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YALE UNIVERSITY
LIBRARY

:!Kb-d--'i'"Oc-|

Gift of
S. R. Betts
1909

A View of Ihe Wa„»,o., of Ih. lau; LORD TIMOTHY DEXTEU. Newburyport. See Page 24.

LIFE OF
LORD TIMOXni DEXTER;
wrra
SKETCHES OF THE ECCENTRIC CnARACTEKS TIIAT
COMPOSED HIS ASSOCIATES;
INCLUDING HIS OWN WEITINGS,
"Setter's iPfcltlc for tlje ISnotofna Ones," $ct., fee.
BY
SAMUEL L. KNAPP.
AN tNTRODDCTION
BY " C y M 0 N ."
FOKTBAITS OF HIMSELF, HIS. rOET LAUREATE, ETC.
BOSTON:
J. E. TILTON AND COMPANY,
No 161 TVashinoton Street.
18 58.

Entered according to Act of Congress, in the year 1858, by
J. E. TILTON AND COMPANY,
In the Clerk's Office of the District Court of the District of Massa
chusetts.

Ci^bZ.'d%^c.

OASIBRIDOE :
ALLEN AND FABNHAH, FaiHTEKS.

INTRODUCTION.

Never since the Flood has there lived a man so
little appreciated as Timothy Dexter. 'Whilst all his
foibles and eccentricities have been " conned by rote,''
and emblazoned to the world, his many virtues are
overlooked. We will not here assay to write the life
of this celebrated individual, for that has already been
done in the subsequent pages ; our task is only to in
troduce this book to the reader. But we should feel
as if we had omitted doing our duty, did we let pass
this opportunity of showing the subject ofthis biogra
phy in some of his noble and manly points, of which
he possessed not a few.
We " speak by the card," ha-ving the best authority
from those who lived near this man as neighbors, and
knew him well, in all his outgoings and in all his in
comings. Had Dexter been an educated man, and
cultivated a sycophantic and hypocritical disposition (5)

6 INTRODUCTION.
— being all things to all men, and living strictly in
outward appearances, at least, in accordance with the
times, then we should have had a very different his
tory of him. If he was erratic, he was honest. How-
beit, time makes all things even, — and it shall go
Lard with us, O Timothy 1 but we will help to cast off
the scales which have ever blinded the eyes of the
world to thy manifold virtues j we will e'en attempt to
remove the stains which bigotry and intolerance have
ever delighted to heap upon thy devoted head, and
strive to "Weed the nettles from thy grave."
Circumstances placed our subject in a town remark
able for its rehgionists of the " straitest sect." Noth
ing iu their " close pent up " opinions could be right
and just, unless it came within the rules of their
church. Timothy Dexter eschewed bigoted devotion,
consequently he brought down the ire of their sup
porters upon himself in all its malignancy. But they
should have remembered hb many good qualities;
— alas I how could they ? Those who believed in
the doctrine of total depravity would not nor could
not, with their jaundiced vision and narrow-minded
ness, see " any good coming out of Nazareth."

INTRODUCTION. 7
Dexter left a legacy of two thousand dollars for the
poor of Newburyport who keep outside the alms
house ; and this fact is known at this day but to a
very few. See his will at the latter part of the book.
A more judicious one never was made, as the reader
may judge for himself.
Had Newburyport been blessed with a few more as
generous and public-spirited men eis Dexter, it would
have been much better for its interests. A peculiar
trait in most of the people in that town was a morbid
religious sentiment, which, by keeping their minds so
intent upon the things of a future world, caused them
to lose their relish for this.
Dexter was any thing but a fool. Every thing that
he undertook, worked well; not by luck, as many
thought and said, but by most excellent judgment
'When he bought up the govemment paper, he made
a brilliant speculation. He was laughed at by the old
fogies of that day for taking so many shares in the
first chain bridge over the Merrimack ; but the smile
went the other way, when for the first forty years it
yielded a dividend of over twenty-five cents on the
dollar 1
Dexter offered to build a magnificent hall, and give

8 INTRODUCTION.
it to the town, provided that they would name it after
him ; and likewise to pave their principal business
street, if it should be called by his name ; but the stiff-
necked and straight-waistcoated old hunkers, in the
plenitude of their grave and profound wisdom, spurned
his generous offer with a holy horror, because, for
sooth, it came from Dexter, tVie eccentric, who, unlike
their deacons and elders, did not wear leather breech
es, and belong to a Presbyterian church. O, those in
tolerable old bigots! They had heads, and so had
Dexter's images.
He did not send his money to Italy for statuary cut
from foreign marble by their artists ; but a young
townsman, just beginning life as a carver, was selected
to chisel images of our best public men, from native
timber, wherewith to adorn his republican mansion.
As to his eccentricities, perhaps they have been
somewhat exaggerated. Many of us, if we dared to
brave the opinions of the world, would throw off our
constraint, and occasionally act the harlequin. More
over, who shall judge betwixt the pomp and vain
glory of the real and the mock lord? — In passing
along the great principal thoroughfare of Boston, one
day, we saw two men of the Shaker family walking

INTRODUCTION. 9
down street in all their dignity of soberness, and a
well-known Chinaman in full regalia coming up in
the opposite direction. Simultaneously, the three made
a dead halt. " John Chinaman " stood and smiled at
the queer close-cut garb of the straight-laced shakers ;.
and the two plain, broad-brimmed, lean, lank, long
haired, serious visaged disciples of Ann Lee, burst
forth in a cachinatlon, not at all in keeping with their
general mode and manner of deportment, as they
gazed upon the celestial, with his peculiar trappings,
especially the cue, which hung down his back like the
handle of a warming-pan, tipped with " a bunch of
blue ribbon.'' We could not forbear laughing at the
three, — at the same time reproving ourself for so do
ing, not feeling sure that we stood wholly free from
some peculiarities which might call forth a smile from.
them. In short, as the inimitable Fielding has it, —
whilst we laugh at the follies of others, we should, at
the same time, think of and grieve at our own.

PRE.FACE,

In looking over some old papers a short time
since, I came across several memoranda I had
made many years ago, on the eccentric person,
commonly called Lord Dexter. The man and
most that related to him had passed from my mind
as one of those dreams in the course of our lives,
that make a strong impression for a time, and
then sink from the memory, perhaps never to re
turn. The perusal of these old notes awakened
recollections of by-gone times so distinctly, and
brought with them so many sunny images, that I
felt, at once, determined to give the picture a more
(11)

PREFACE.
permanent canvass than these Sibylline leaves
that I had dragged up from the cells of the cav
ern. All the dramatis personae of the piece were
well known to me and were subjects of my par
ticular study ; and I think that these persons will,
at once, be recognized by many in the neighbor
hood in which they lived, as drawn fully from
life, and no trait of their characters or acts as set
down in malice.
The poet I have described, is remembered by
thousands who retain a recollection of his air, and
manner, as well as the tones of his stentorian
voice. The person of the colored woman is yet
fresh in the recollections of men, women and
children. The weird sisters in the group are not
strange personages ; not a few will remember
them distinctly, for they were of notoriety in their
day. The astrologer has now been dead more
than thirty years, and much of the present genera
tion have come up since his departure ; but there
are several now in active life, who knew him well
and have excellent anecdotes of him still in store.
It is not many years since I heard several of
them. The Dog-town landscape. was once true to na
ture and history, but in the march of intellect

PREFACE. 13
there may be, for ought I know, a city resplendent
in architecture and famed for wisdom, on the spot
once so barren and desolate, that the surveyor's
chain had hardly crossed it when I saw it. Ima
ges of buried poverty and misery, may be called
up by the historian and the philanthropist " to
point a moral or adorn a tale." One reason, per
haps, for thinking our fathers were better than we
are, may be, that we cherish the memory of the
good only and leave in forgetfulness all that were
indiflerent or bad.
To judge rightly of the past we should see
every shade and every light of the picture. The
living panorama that passes before us must be
scrupulously examined to give us a fair under
standing of the matter; and those of memory
should be as well grouped and arranged, for us to
draw sound opinions from them. There is a sort
of evening shadow over the past, which brings on
a distinctness which cannot be had under more
vertical rays of the sun. Some may take excep
tions to our going too minutely into past events.
This is not the example which sacred history sets
us. In that history, virtues and vices, weakness
and strength are fully exhibited. There is a
fastidiousness about modern times that often re-

u

preface.

strains a free pen ; which may be illustrated by
an anecdote. .A. modern Venetian magnate on
seeing West's picture of " Christ Eejected," ob
served, that he thought it unkind that the inde
cision of his ancestor, Pontius Pilot, shonld so
often be brought forward at this late day

LIFE OF DEXTER.

If " the proper study of mankind is man,'
every form of character should pass under
our notice. No one can be said to have a
thorough knowledge of human nature, who
has only examined a few of the good and
wise. The naturalist fills his museum With
every production of nature, and takes as
much pleasure in studying the " elegantly
little," as the vast; and perhaps dwells long
er on the structure and plumage of the fairy
humming bird, than on the enormous wing
of the albatross. Goldsmith, in his Animated
Nature, has taken as much trouble to de
scribe the frog and the toad, as he has in
portraying the horse, the noblest of ail the
quadrupeds on earth. The mighty delinea
tor of human nature, of Iiabits and educa
tion, Shakspeare, has made greater effort to
(15)

16 LIFE OF DEXTER.
show off the eccentric and the foolish than
he has to exhibit the wise, the heroic and
the good. In portraying such men as Julius
Cassar, Anthony, Cicero and the more an
cient philosophers and warriors, he has taken
whole pages from Plutarch and other writers,
but liis eccentrics and fools are all his own.
In this new path he seemed not to borrow any
thing, and his Touchstones, Dogberrys, Mal-
volios, are his alone. Did any previous
dramatist furnish him with models for his
Masters Shallow, Slender and Silence? No
one will pretend to point out any such char-
cters in any work of antiquity. iEsop drew
some characters that were foolish enough
but they were nothing to Shakspeare's crea
tion; yet the very moment their likenesses
were seen they were known to be natural.
The miser, the fop and the downright fool
are found in many works, but that com
mingling of cunning, shrewdness, imbecility,
roguery and sarcasm, which constitutes some
minds and makes up an anomaly in the hu
man family, has seldom been attempted.
After Shakspeare, Sir Walter Scott has been
the most successful in his dramatic characters,
and it cannot be denied but that his eccen
tric beings are the master touches of his
pencil. All his singular beings are acting in
their proper sphere and make up the variety
which nature intended to exhibit. These

LIFE OF DEXTER. 17
satirists have dealt in moral and mental
monsters; such beings as they wished to
chastise, they called up by the force of the
imagination, and after lashing them as long
as they enjoyed the sounds of their own
whips, held them before the world, and then
the monsters sunk again to the shades. Not
so with the creations of Shakspeare and
Scott; these poets and masters of every
spell, have left their offspring to share im
mortality with themselves; Touchstone and
Meg Merrilies will never die while their pro
genitors are remembered.
Tired of dwelling upon "the tall, the
wise, the reverend head," and of the prow
ess of heroes, I was looking over some old
papers, and among them 1 found a few pages
of memoranda, made many years ago, upon
the life and character of that eccentric being,
now remembered by thousands, Timothy
Dexter. The fame of this singular man
was not confined to the town, county or
state in which he lived; but many of the
anecdotes respecting him have been publish
ed in different parts of the world. No doubt
that a great many stories told of him were
made up by the ingenious, but still there are
enough very well authenticated, to make a
few amusing pages, and to throw some light
on the idiosyncrasies of the human mind. It
is a well known fact that " strange beings
2

18 LIFE OF DEXTER.
will find strange associates." This was
fully proved in the life of Dexter. No one
ever collected about him a more singular
group than this oddity. His tricks were
fantastic, but never malignant, when free
from the insanity of inebriation, and the
reader, I think, when he has followed him
through a part of his eccentricities and follies
will feel more pity than hatred for the man,
whose only crime was in his possessing For-
tunatus' cap, to catch a shower of gold for
which others had to labor hard to obtain in
scanty drops.
Timothy Dexter was born in Maiden,
near Boston, in the year 1743. He was bred
to tlie leather dressing, then, and since, a lu
crative' profession. The business for the
commonwealth of Massachusetts, was near
ly all concentrated in the town of Charles
town. Sheep-skins, goat and deer-skins,
were dressed so elastic and soft as to make
a delicate wear. About the time of Dexter's
apprenticeship the secret of dressing skins
after the fashion of leather brought from the
Levant, called morrocco leather, became
known to some of the craft in Charlestown,
and for years they had the monopoly of the
business. A great demand for the article
for ladies' shoes gave the initiated constant
employment. On arriving at the age of
twenty-one, Dexter commenced business for

LIFE OF DEXTER. 19
himself, and by industry, frugality ana per
severance, soon became thrifty and above
board; and although Charlestown was
laid in ashes at the commencement of the
revolutionary struggle, he pursued in the
neighborhood his calling to a profitable
account, and in a few years after the peace,
could command several thousands of dollars
in specie. He had married a widow whose
former husband had been in the occupation
and had left his family in good circumstan
ces. She was industrious also, and saving,
and made no inconsiderable profit on a small
stock of goods she kept for sale in the huck
ster line. Thus they went on, good, quiet,
tidy, honest folks, blessed with children to
labor for, as well as for themselves. The
times from the peace of 1783, until after the
adoption of the federal constitution in 1789,
were dark and difficult, andmany were sadly
oppressed. The old continental money was
depreciated to almost nothing, and the secu
rities issued by the state of Massachusetts,
which had for a while kept public confidence
in that quarter alive, had now sunk to about
two shillings and sixpence on the pound.
The patriotic holders were greatly distress
ed ; many of them, possessing nothing for
seven years' services but this trash, were
forced to part with it for any thing they
could get. Two benevolent gentlemen in

20 LIFE OF DEXTER.
Boston, John Hancock, governor of the com
monwealth at that time, who had formerly
been president of the continental congress,
and Thomas Russel, the most eminent mer
chant then in America, to keep up the
public confidence, and to oblige a friend,
would make purchases of these securities,
until the amount was considerable. This
had the desired effect in some measure, and
a few other purchasers were found, but hard
money was so scarce that not much was
done in this brokerage. Dexter finding his
great neighbors, Hancock and Russel, doing
something in stocks, took all his own cash,
with what his wife had, and in imitation
purchased likewise. He probably made
better bargains than the magnates did. He
bought in smaller quantities, and had better
opportunities to make his purchases than
they had. He felt that he could live on his
industry, and ventured all on the chance of
these securities ever being paid. When
Hamilton's funding system went into opera
tion, he was at once a wealthy man, and
leaving his mechanical business, speculated
pretty largely in stocks, and to great advan
tage, for there were many who then seemed
to feel and reason as if the government of
the United States was a house built on sands,
and the acts of congress but of little more
permanency than writing traced on the same

LIFE OF DEXTER. 21
material on the sea-shore, which the first
storm would efface.
Dexter soon aspired to join the upper
classes of society, as many a fortunate block
head had done before him; but he would
not be h5q)ocritical, and he could not keep
his mouth shut, and of course made no head
way in his attempted progress to join the
aristocrats of the day. Nothing could be
done with the upper classes in Boston, and
he found it more difficult in Salem, which
led him to turn his attention to Newburyport,
the third sea-port then in Massachusetts.
It was a delightful place.
The town of Newburyport is situated on
the right bank of the Merrimack. The
whole territory belonging to the cbrporation
is but little more than six hundred acres,
and nearly one half of this is low pasture
lands, but the thickly settled part is a lovely
spot of ground. The southerly line is on an
elevation about sixty or seventy feet from
the surface of the river. The main street,
called High street, running about a mile and
a quarter from east to west on the town
boundary, extends eit^ier way much further,
making a delightful riding course of more
than three miles in distance. The streets
running at right angles with High street to
the water are intersected by others, throwing
a great portion of the whole site into squares

22 LIFE OF DEXTER.
convenient for building lots. The soil is
light, gravelly and warm, well suited for
gardens, for which the town is famous.
Many of the buildings are still of wood :
forty years ago they were chiefly so. The
water here is good and the streets are wide
and kept clean, and every thing 'about the
" sweet village," bore marks of industry,
thrift and comfort. Numerous churches and
school-houses were placed at convenient dis
tances. The shipping was extensive, for
the size of the place. The town was thrifty
for many years before the revolution, and
when the war broke out several merchants
left Boston to carry on their commerce in
Newburyport. Their business flourished
from the peace of 1783, until the embargo of
1807, when it received a grievous wound,
but, thank heaven, not a vital stab as many
thought it would have proved, for it is slowly
rising from its difficulties. The evils will
vanish in time, for the people act there upon
the Grecian maxim that " the gods sell all
things to industry." The education of this
people was plain and wholesome. Reading,
writing and arithmetic were taught to all,
and their moral precepts were all drawn
from one book. The bible was read from
lisping infancy to purblind decrepitude.
Every one was master of the good old trans
lation from the Saxon — and it contains a vo-

LIFE OF DEXTER. 23
«
cabulary sufficiently capacious for all the mo
ral and religious relations of life ; the business
relations find their appropriate language as
fast as they are required. There never was
any canaille here : some few there are, as
everywhere, the unfortunate and poor ; but
the mass of people were well to do ; intelligent
and active, they of course were happy. The
wealthy and intellectual portion of the com
munity formed a circle that had sufficient of
the comforts and refinements of life to give
society a charm which is seldom found in
overgrown cities. The population was not
so large as to hide any individual, however
humble. Each stood out as it were from the
canvass, and could be examined by every
one who wished to observe. It will be seen,
by those who take the trouble to think upon
the subject, that there are more singular and
eccentric characters to be found in small
places than in large ; in the latter it is hard
to attract notice. The diorama is con
stantly shifting, and an individual is seen for
an instant only, and then disappears, perhaps
forever ; while in the small picture, which
is not larger than the angle of ordinary vision,
each image stands for constant examination.
The landed property in Newburyport was,
at the time of Dexter's coming- there, lower
than in other sea-ports in the East, in conse
quence of the failure of several distinguished

24 LIFE OF DEXTER. »
merchants who had traded too largely on the
return of peace. Their palaces — for they
could not, in justice, be called by a lesser
name — were in the market, and Dexter pur
chased two of them. One of them he occu
pied for a short time, and on the revival of
business sold it at a fair profit. The other
he fitted up for himself in his own style. It
was a princely chateau, standing on the
height of land about a quarter of a mile from
the river, commanding a most beautiful and
extensive view of the sea, the Isle-of-shoals,
and the far surrounding country. The
grounds had been laid out in the most ap
proved European manner by the intelligent
artists from England and France.
The house was capacious and well finish
ed, and the out-houses tasteful and com
modious. A lovelier spot or a more airy
mansion, Lucullus himself could not have
wished; and all his ponds would not have
furnished a greater variety of excellent fish
than the Newburyport market supplied.
When Dexter bought this seat every thing
about it was in fine order; but it was not to
the taste of the purchaser. He raised min
arets on the roof of his mansion, surmounted
by gilt balls in profusion ; and the whole
building was painted as finely as a fiddle.
One who marked the alteration compared it
to a person changing the robes of a peer and

LIFE OF DEXTER. 25
assuming the motley dress of a harlequin ;
but this made the bumpkins stare, and gave
the owner the greatest pleasure. In all the
agitations of a vitiated taste. Dexter went on
with his supposed hnjnovements. In the
garden, which extended several hundreds of
feet on the noble high-way, passing in front
of it, and was filled with fruit and flowers
of indigenous growth, or those imported
from Europe, or acclimated from warmer
regions, the tasteless owner, in his rage for
notoriety, created rows of columns, fifteen
feet at least, high, on which to place colossal
images carved in wood. Directly in front
of the door of the house, on a Roman arch of
great beauty and taste, stood general Wash
ington in his military garb. On his left
hand was Jefferson ; on his right, Adams,
uncovered, for he would suffer no one to b6
on the right of Washington with a hat on.
On the columns in the garden there were
figures of Indian chiefs, military generals,
philosophers, politicians and statesmen, now
and then a goddess of Fame, or Liberty,
meretricious enough to be either. If he, in
the plentitude of his generosity, raised a col
umn to a great man to-day, he reserved the
liberty of changing his name to-morrow;
and often the painter's brush made or un
made a fierce warrior. General Morgan,
yesterday, is Bonaparte to-day ; and the

26 LIFE OF DEXTER.
great Corsican leader was often as much
neglected in the garden of the capricious
Dexter, as li^ afterwards was at St. Helena.
But Dexter was more of a gentleman than
Sir Hudson Lowe, and never passed Bona
parte — even when he was not so great a
favorite — without touching his hat.
There were upwards of forty of the figures,
including four lions, two couchant, and two
passant. These were well carved, and at
tracted more attention from those who had
any taste than all the exhibition except the
arch, on which stood the three presidents.
The lions were open mouthed and fierce as
if they had been rampart in Heraldic glory,
and reminded the gazer of the lion in the
sounding verses of Sir Richard Blackmore :
" The lordly lion looked so wondrous grim,
His very snadow durst not follow him."
These images were all in good repair
when Dexter died. The first that time or
accident threw down, was the gigantic Corn-
planter, the mighty progenitor of a race of
illustrious sachems. Whether this Avas om
inous of the fate of the red men, or a mere
accident, no oracle yet has told us ; but when
the column was prostrate in the dust, the
Indian was placed as a scare crow to the
chickens, but they soon became brave under
the feet of " the fierce barbarian grinning
o'er his prey." The rest of the columns stood

LIFE OF DEXTER. 27
the sunshine and the storms until " the great
September gale," which happened in 1815,
when most of them were thrown down in
that tornado. The three presidents rode out
the storm. The executor on the estate sold
the images at auction. The goddess of Fame
sold for the most money — she brought five
dollars. The image of the great premier of
England, William Pitt, whose sagacity and
firmness guided Britain in safety through
the most terrific convulsions of nations, when
the great deep of the political world was
broken up and a universal deluge threatened
mankind, was sold for a dollar; and an ec
clesiastic who had been named the " Travel
ling Preacher" brought only fifty cents.
Dexter had put himself among the great
he delighted to honor, and labelled the col
umn, " I am the greatest man in the East ;"
and I believe once it was extended to the
North, West and South, and his fame as a
philosopher made an addendum. What a sa
tire on monumental glory ! On the fallen
image no bid could be had ; so fares it with
those who thrust themselves into company
with whom they had no claim of equality.
The cost of these columns and images was
considerable, probably twice as much as
the whole estate, when Dexter purchased.
The arch and figures of the presidents were
expensive, two thousand dollars or raore;

28 LIFE OF DEXTER.
the lions, without the columns on which
they stood, were carved at two hundred dol
lars apiece. The other thirty-six columns
with their images must have cost two hun
dred dollars each — taking in the lettering
and gilding, the whole could not have fallen
short of fifteen thousand dollars.
In the group on the arch, Mr. Jefferson
holds in his hand a scroll partly unrolled,
intended to compliment him as the author
of the Declaration of Independence. The
sculptor had not imagined it so obscure as
to require an inscription, but lord Dexter
thought that he would make the painter
finish what the sculptor, in his opinion,
neglected. His favorite painter, a very
clever artist, Mr. Babson, was employed.
He commenced his labor by taking the pre
caution to tie a rope around his body to pre
vent accidents on the scanty staging, and
made it fast to some part of the arch. He
measured out his letters, "The Declaration
of Independence," and while pencilling it.
Dexter, from the ground, could not distinctly
see the letters, but as soon as the painter had
reached Dec, Dexter called out to him, "That
is not the way to spell Constitution." " You
want," returned the painter " the Declaration
of Independence." " I want the Constitu
tion, and the Constitution I will have."
The Constitution had then just been adopt-

LIFE OF DEXTER. 29
ed, and by the adoption Dexter's fortune
was made, and that was uppermost in his
mind at all times, and the Declaration of
Independence was a matter too deep in the
recesses of ancient history for his lordship's
memory ; still, with the pertinacity of an
honest mind, Mr. Babson would not erase
his letters, for he knew what the artist in
tended. Dexter raved ; the painter remon
strated most distinctly, when Dexter went
into the house, brought out a large pistol and
discharged it at his rnan of letters before the
latter had a chance of escape. The ball en
tered the house, and the marks of its passage
were long afterwards seen there. The en
raged lord was no shot, and was fortunate
in hitting the side of a house instead of the
object of his wrath. The letters remain to
this day, " The Constitution.'"
Society is always in danger when the
sword and purse are united, as they were in
this instance ; — in fact, their union has al
ways been attended with fearful consequen
ces. Their connection has never been legiti
mate. The liberties of Rome were lost
when the Pretorian band had possession of
the military chest. The mind that has two
such powers to wield, sinks under its exer
tions, for it is constantly in a state of intoxi
cation ; the rule extends from the household
officers to those of an empire.

30 LIFE OE DEXTER.
Dexter imported elegant articles from
France to furnish his house, and it must be
confessed that his agents were men of taste ;
for some portions of it were splendid and
classical. It was soon after the era of phren-
sy, in France, when David's pencil drew
models for the upholsterer, and the sans cu-
lotte and the assassin changed their savage-
ism to taste, intending to enjoy this world, as
they believed in no other. This elegant and
tasteful furniture was soon spoiled by abuse.
He and his son, with such companions as
they could find, kept up their revels in the
best apartments of the house. His wife was
seldom at home, for she could not live in
his house with any comfort. This mansion,
once the abode of a wise and elegant man,
with a well-regulated family, nov/ became a
pest-house and not unfrequently a bagnio.
Of course, the splendid French colors became
tawdry-yellow or dirty-red. Curtains and
counterpanes which had once belonged to
the queen of France, which, at all events,
were elegant, were covered with unseemly
stain, offensive to sight and to smell.
He had seen at the houses of Hancock
and Russel, cases of well bound books, and
he was seized with a desire to emulate them
in the possession of a library. He bought
the best bound books he could find, and in
that manner secured some valuable works;

LIFE OF DEXTER. 31
but he was often deceived, as such binding
as ho liked was put on worthless books and
exposed to his sight as by accident. He had
splendid editions of Bornel Thornton's
Works, the Bon Ton Magazine and all such
ridiculous trash ; buthe never read in them
ten minutes at a time. These books were
scattered through every apartment in his
house, while the book case was half empty,
and its doors on the swing. The leaves in
his books were turned down at places at
tractive to the reader. The libidirious prints
were often much worn, and many books
were entirely despoiled of their cuts by the
people who visited him. The library, when
sold, amounted to a trifle only, as most of
those of a fair character were torn and de
faced. He was told of the great passion some of
the noble lords in England had for paintings,
who had expended large fortunes in collecting
galleries for the gratification of their taste in
this way, and he gave himself no rest until
he had commenced a gallery. He employed
a young gentleman of taste, who was about
to visit Holland and other parts of Europe,
to act as a picture fancier for him, and it
must be confe'issed thathehadmade some good
purchases, but on his return, Dexter selected
all the daubs and declined taking the others.
The collector was at first indignant and mor-

32 LIFE OF DEXTER.
tified, but some one suggested to him to mark
those ordinary paintings with some great
master name, and all would be right. This
he did in self-defence, and a Correggio, a
Guido, a Raffaelle, or a Titian were hung
upon the walls before the paint was dry that
marked their names. If he was cheated, he
was not the only dupe in picture buying, for
many who have started into sudden wealth,
and who supposed that the acquisition of
dollars superinduced a refinement of taste,
have been most laughably imposed upon,
and often while pointing out the ,beauties of
the picture to their guests, by rote, as the
salesman dealt them out at his rooms, or the
auctioneer when his eloquence was enforced
by his hammer, are unconscious of the
sneer that plays about the lips of the listen
ing connoisseur who is waiting for his din
ner. In Dexter's palmy state there were but
few good pictures in the country, and the
most wealthy and ancient families contented
themselves with a portrait from Smybert or
Copley, of some ancestor, and the rest of the
ornaments were some French engravings of
Joseph, sold by his brethren, or Jonah thrown
into the sea, or of the bears sent to devour the
wicked children; but the most venerated
painting of the household was generally the
Family Coat of Arms, the production of
some wonderful sign-painter who had suffi-

LIFE OF DEXTER. 33
cient enterprise to own Guillim's Book of He-
raldy, from which he copied the arms of such
families as he found there, and who tran
scribed on the back of the picture, the de
scription of the bearings and crests in lan
guage equally unintelligible to limner and
possessor. At one time Dexter's passion was for horses,
and with the assistance of his coachman he
was frequently successful in obtaining a fine
span for his carriage ; but although he kept
a beautiful saddle horse, he seldom ventur
ed to appear on horseback. He conceived
a desire for the exhibition of cream-colored
horses, and after a long time bought a pair
of very good ones, and for a while he heard
the boys cry out, " Huzza for Dexter's
horses !" but their admiration died away,
and his love for cream-colored horses died
with it. Unstable as the wind, he sold them
for no other fault than that they would not
change color as his fancy changed.
His coach was elegant, and well, as it
came from the maker's hands, but he must
make it gaudy and finical. He had his
coat of arms painted on it, with the Baronial
supporters, which he stole from the Peer
age according to the dictates of his taste,
being beyond the power ofthe Herald office
and all its kings at arms.
He found it difficult to fill up the measure

34

LIFE OF DEXTER.

of his time, as he had led an industrious
life. And finding merchants then the lead
ing men, and thinking that they were soon to
be the nobility of the country as they had
been the nobility of Venice, as some of those
around him intimated, he engaged most zeal
ously in commerce. At that period it was
almost impossible to make a bad voyage,
go any where, in any part of the habitable
globe. His traffic was principally to the
West Indies and to Europe, but he sent ad
ventures to the East Indies, which were gen
erally very profitable. While engaged in
commerce, Dexter's son, Samuel Lord Dex
ter, as he was called, arrived to that age
when young men think themselves capable
of doing the business of factor abroad, then
seldom trusted to the master of a vessel. The
son importuned the father for this employ
ment and prevailed upon him to send him in
that capacity to Europe ; the result was that
he squandered the full amount of the cargo
at the gambling table, where he was a mere
gull. The old man had some misgiving
when he sent his hopeful heir on such an
erraiul, and was not so much disappointed
as migiit have been supposed at such an is
sue. The boy was naturally imbecile, but
his course of education made him a tool for
every sharper. Intoxicated with the fame
of his father's wealth, he thought that i*

LIFE OF DEXTER. 35
would supply the place of every thing; of
course he was idle at all times, and profli
gate when he could be. He grew in size
more rapidly than most boys, but his mind
was stored with nothing useful or ornamen
tal. He was capricious in his appetite, petu
lant in his temper, and cowardly in the ex
treme, and, in fact, rotten to the core. He
had but one redeeming virtue among boys,
and it was that of profusion. He bribed
them with cakes, fruit and confectionary, to
assist him in getting his lessons and to screen
him from insults. His father's ideas of gen
tility, consisted in the expenditures of his
sou, and as he was the most lavish of all
the boys, of course he was the most elevat
ed of the gentry. His education was costly,
and his father thought it good. The only
ingenuity and talent he ever exhibited was
in inventing lies to screen himself from pun
ishment. The boys despised, and the mas
ter pitied his imbecility. School became
irksome to him, as smaller boys went before
him, and larger ones neglected him. On
returning home and mingling with the young
merchants he conceived the desire of being
supercargo, and it eventuated as we have
stated. When he returned from his European
voyage he lived in perpetual quarrels with
his father, and plunged into every species

36 LIFE OF DEXTER.
of dissipation ; a more useless or profligate
young man could not be found. He was a
goose from whom every knave plucked a
feather, to whom every Cyprian had a chain
to hold him as a cub. If he had been for
tunate enough to have had a sober and dis
creet father, who would have insisted on a
proper education, feeble as he was, some
thing might have been made of him. It was
a difficult time to educate a boy who had
any expectations of fortune from his parents,
for there were then many wretched exam
ples of profligacy among the sons of the rich
men of that time. It would be painful to
call up names, but most of those who have
reached middle age can call to mind many
fine fellows, who, from mistaken impressions
of life, have gone down to the grave "un
wept, unhonored, and unsung." "The R's, the
K's. the T's. and the S's, &c. &c., read no
thing but anecdotes of Charles Fox's dissipa
tion, or of Richard Brinsly Sheridan's wit and
profligacy. In the sport of buckism they
ate hundred dollar bills on a slice of bread
and butter, and skipped dollars on the sur
face of a pond, all to show their nobility.
Many of their fathers, honest men, whose
great merit was success, looked forward to
the time when orders of nobility would be
created in this country, and if they were
not elevated "to the peerage themselves, they

LIFE OF DEXTER. 37
imagined that their high-bred sons would
stand a good chance for the advancement.
They did not see that the polarity of the
government and people was inclining to de
mocracy; but, fortunate or not, all those
aristocratical feelings were swept away by
the tide that was then beginning to agitate
the public mind. The past seems a dream
to those who lived in it, and almost a legend
to those who only take it from history ; from
history did I say? history was afraid to
record a tythe of the truth of the times.
The wisest knew nothing ofthe clastic pow
er of public opinion. Young Dexter, like
many of his contemporaries, the sons of rich
men died, without doing the slightest good
in society and without any particle of regret
from any one. No drunken companion who
had partaken of his wine even said " he
was a clever fellow ; it is a pity he went off
so soon."
We may as well speak of the daughter of
Timothy Dexter now as at any other time.
She bloomed for a while, a giggling belle of
more than ordinary personal beauty; but
her education was superficial as her brother's.
The fame of her father's wealth brought
about her a host of swindling, simpering gal
lants ; but most of them retired after a visit
or two, finding it impossible, with all their
love of money, to bring their minds to

38

LIFE OF DEXTER.

make serious proposals to one so entirely
unfitted for society. At length, a grave,
philosophical scholar, who had travelled in
Europe and the East, made his bow to her.
His fame was then at its height. She
saw his name in the newspapers, as hav
ing made a pilgrimage to Mecca, or of doing
some other wonderful feat in the way of
travel, and her vanity was raised at his at
tentions. He was deeply read in men, and
soon knew how to manage lord Dexter.
They were married ; the father did not
bleed as freely as he expected, and his wife
did not improve as he thought she would do
under his instruction. They dragged along
together, she growing every day more slat
ternly and silly and he more morose and inat
tentive. They had one child, a daughter.
The father has been attentive to her morals
and education, and she makes a respectable,
excellent woman. Soon after the child was
born, his wife grew intemperate, was led
astray, and a divorce followed. She lived
for many years a sad object of fatuity and
wretchedness. There are none of the crea
tures of God that make so pitiful a spectacle
as a feeble mind sunk in vice. It has no
redeeming flash of thought, no lucid remi
niscences, no bitter weepings over the past,
which show what once existed, and often
fccreeti a fallen being from deserved neglect

LIFE OF DEXTER. 39
and insult. Tho bloated forms of idiocy,
and the obstreperous, vacant laugh of in
sanity are appalling to sensitive minds, and
a sore lessener to those who indulge in the
pride of human nature. She was kept out
of public sight, and supported by the provi
dent care of her father ; one good deed
which should be named in the waste of
his life, where but few green spots are to be
found. Dexter, by every devise, could only be no
torious, but not popular. He soon found
that people did not always find respectabili
ty according to the extent of their taxes, nor
even in proportion to their profusion. The
men would not associate with him, the wo
men shunned him, and the boys used him at
times for their mirth. Boys are shrewd
critics and good judges of men, within which
lists they would not suffer him to come. In
any other portion of our country, but such
a quiet place as Newburyport, he could not
have existed ; the mob, or the incensed
citizen, would have driven him out until his
reason had come to him ; but there they as
sumed no Lynch law, having too great a re
spect for the ordinances and laws establish
ed by their fathers.
He had nothing to give the people but his
money, and this they would not except, at
the price of granting him indulgences to

40 LIFE OF DEXTER.
commit crimes, or even peccadilloes or follies,
but they were willing to protect him in all
his rights. He would have done better in
London than in the town of Newburyport.
In a large place, generosity, or the parade of
it, has ten thousand wings, but domestic
sins are often hid in the mighty wilderness
of an overgrown population, while they are
directly exposed to the sharp-sightedness of
a village. When Dexter first came to Newburyport
he opened his garden for the inspection of
the public, and in the seasons of fruits and
flowers was very liberal to his visiters, par
ticularly to those from the country. Gay
maidens came from his gates laden with
flowers or fruits, and seemed happy in their
visit to the strange man. If their gallants
thought he was not a Solomon, they found
him no niggard. This did not last long, for
he soon considered, and in fact called his
grounds ^^ a yellow-bird trap;" for although
he was an hundred times rebuffed and treat
ed with the profoundest contempt, yet he
still persisted in believing that he was mas
ter of all he found there. The story of his
attempts at improper liberties with his fe
male visiters soon became current, and the
number diminished every day; but those
who still persisted in coming were of the
less scrupulous of theirsex. Hisflowersand

LIFE OF DEXTER. 41
fruits lost their charms, and often were of
fered in vain. If an unsophisticated female
came from the country, unacquainted with
his reputation, lie gloated over her with the
most disgusting fondness ; but it Avas fre
quently a long while before the girl under
stood the man who offended her by such in
civilities. There were instances of his get
ting most sadly used up by such guests,
when they saw the situation they were in.
On the whole, his trap-cage cost more than
it came to; for sometimes a half a dozen
country damsels made him a visit for a frolic,
and protected each other.
When disappointed of'his prey he would
rave about house and curse his family for
joining in the league against him. How
wretched is the life of a dotard, in the pur
suit of what he calls pleasure.
A thousand anecdotes have been told of
Timothy Dexter showing his folly and his
success, and many of them are unquestiona
bly correct. When in the full tide of his
commercial speculations, he was the same
imitative creature as in buying his securi
ties. Some of the merchant's clerks were
fond of quizzing him ; at one time they put
him up to send a large lot of warming-pans
to the West Indies, as a part of an assorted
cargo. The captain, a young and ingenious
man, finding this article in the invoice, set

42 LIFE OF dexter;
his yaukee talents to work to find a sale for
them. He took off the covers and had hand
some handles put to them, and called them
skimmers and the pan part, ladles. He then
had them in troduced into a large sugar-making
establishment, and they were much approved
of, as the best machines of their kind ever
invented. Every sugar-maker was anxious
to obtain several sets for his establishment,
and the whole was sold to great advantage.
At another time a rigger of one of his ves
sels called upon him for a large quantity of
stay stuff, when he rode to Salem and Boston,
and purchased up all the whale-bone to be
found, and had it brought to Newburyport,
and when his workmen laughed a,t him for
his stupidity, he said, " Never mind." In a
short time it was found that he had monopo
lized the article and could command his own
price for it. This put him on a scent by
which he frequently profited, for he would
inquire if any article Avas scarce in the mar
ket, and if so, he would buy up all he could
find, and not unfrequently raised the price
of it to double or more. He made quite a
speculation in opium at one time, in this
way. It often happened that shrewd mer
chants were suspicious of selling him an ar
ticle, apprehensive that it vvas almost a sure
sign that it was going to rise, although they
could see no reason for it.

LIFE OF DEXTER. 43
He purchased a splendid country seat, in
the town of Chester, in New Hampshire,
thinking that novelty would please him, and
that the reputation for wealth would avail
him more in the country than in the town.
Here, after ornamenting his house and out
houses in the most finical manner, and other
wise lavishing large sums of money in mak
ing magnificent stables, and monstrous sized
pigeon-houses, he began to quarrel with the
inhabitants, who cared but little for the
wealth they could not share ; and they more
than once put a stop to his impudence Avith
a horse-whip. Hampton Beach, in the
county of Rockingham and state of NeAv
Hampshire, is a famous Avatering place.
There is a beautiful beach of no inconsid
erable extent, from Avhich the eye rests on a
boundless expanse of the ocean. At morn
ing and evening, on fine summer days, are
to be seen gay groups of men, Avomen and
children wandering about, picking up shells
which the Avinter storms and waves have
brought to the shore, and to add to the pic
turesque beauties of the scene, there is a
bluff called " Boar's Head," against which
the sea dashes in impotent roar in the storm,
but at the summer season so gently laves as
to give it that beauty Avhich borders on sub
limity, but does not reach it. On this beach,
those Avho came to take " a sniff of the

44 LIFE OF DEXTER.
briny," are free and easy in their intercourse
Avith strangers. Here Dexter often resorted
to catch the notice of some one who had
not much acquaintance with " the greatest
man in the East," and ran over his history,
Avhich he was generally fond of communi
cating to any one Avho Avas Avilling to listen
to him. On such occasions he was silly, but
still amusing to many. A playful girl
amused herself with him on one of their ex
cursions, until he lost all sense of propriety,
and rudely assailed her. She outran him,
and coming up all out of breath to the car
riage Avhere her protector was, she entered
her complaint to him. He Avas a gigantic
youth, Avho could not brook this treatment of
his female friend, and yet disdained to use
his strength in the ordinary way to avenge
her, seized the old man by the collar, led
him to the steps of , the carriage and seating
himself on them, took the offender across his
knee and chastised him with his open hand
as school-masters used to do unlucky ur
chins who stole apples, or played truant, in
former days. The blows Avere so severe as
to make the blood trickle to the heels of the
offender. This kept him in good order in
public places for years.
Dexter Avas not only ambitious of being a
lover of learning, but made a most Avonder-
ful effort to write a book. This extraoidi-

LIFE OF DEXTER. 45
nary performance Avas called, a very signifi
cant title, " A Pickle for the Knowing
Ones." It was a galamathies of all the saws,
shreds, and patches that ever entered the
head of " a motley fool," with some items of
his OAvn history and some allusions to his
family difficulties. It was so ridiculous that
there seemed no small degree of ingenuity
in making it up, and probably he had some
assistance from the printer, or his devil. He
spurned all the ordinary laAVs of orthoe
py or punctuation. He spelt from the light
of nature, and left common sense to make
out the pointing ; but fearing they should
forget the stops, he put them all in the last
page, requesting the reader to place them
where he pleased. Of this Avork he publish
ed and gave aAvay a large edition, under
standing that the noblemen in England did
not sell their literary works, but sent them
as presents through the land. The example
of lord Byron, of later days, could not then
have been cited, as he had never Avritten or
published, or sold to them who gave him
the most for his AVorks like other men. This
work contained a likeness of this " greatest
man of the East," admirable for its' correct
ness, and valuable for the engraving. His
little dog is placed in the foreground, and
is as good a likeness as that of his master.
He Avas made happy by hearing the compli-

46

LIFE OF dexter.

mentspaid to himforthis extraordinary Avork.
He Avas told, and he repeated it, that Shak
speare and Milton were not his equals, and
his Avork Avould be read when they Avere for
gotten ; not thinking it might be added, as
it Avas in another case, " not until then."
The book is out of print; many of these
volumes are no doubt scattered throughout
the country, but, by most diligent search, I
have been unable to procure a copy, although
in my inquiry I found king James' Blast
blown against Tobacco, and many curious
old sermons, with long and quaint titles.
What a careless generation I one Avould
almost think that the press had not the pow
er to preserve works of genius, according to
the boast of the times. There are noAv in
existence several volumes of his library, but
his production has sunk to oblivion. I
think he has broached the idea of his own
immortality in the volume, and anticipated
the Avonderings of posterity over his lucu
brations. He is not the only author and
publisher of a book who has made errone
ous calculations. " I write for perpetuity,"
may have been said in the hearts of thou
sands ; but few such presentiments were
the true promptings of genius.
When the news of the death of Louis
XVI. arrived in Boston, Dexter was there.
He hastened to NcAvburyport, as fast as his

life of dexter. 47
horses Avould carry him ; but said nothing of
the intelligence he had received. It Avas early
in the evening, Avhen several of the church
bells of the town began to toll, to the sur
prise of the inhabitants. On reaching the
doors of the churches tho people found them
closed. Dexter had procured the sextons,
Avhen he found those that could be bribed,
to commence the passing bell before he
promulgated the neAvs of the death of the
amiable monarch. The selectmen soon
stopped the bells, but Dexter gained his
point, that of promulgating the mournful
tidings after his own manner. The boys
left their play, and gathering in groups, lis
tened to the tale of wo. One, however, of
the Jacobins of that day, a little felloAv, said
he Avas glad of it; all kings should die,
said he, that poor people might have their
money; he Avished the poor Avould cut off
the heads of our rich men to-morrov/.
Another urchin mounted the fence, and from
a post took the other side. He said king
Louis XVI. was a good man, and assisted
the Americans in gaining their indepen
dence; and Avicked men cut off his head
before the good men could come to save him ;
and then related several anecdotes of his
generosity to the poor. The boys were
mostly on the .side of the latter speaker.
The first was hustled out of the company ;

48

life of dexter.

and some one of them hearing that it was
Dexter who brought the news, and paid
sexton Hale and others for tolling the bell,
proposed to make Dexter a visit and to
sympathize Avith him. The great man,
at that time, lived in the centre of the
town, in the first palace that he had pur
chased. The proposition was at once ac
ceded to, and the crowd moved to State
street, and paraded before Dexter's door,
who came out to know their wishes. The
speaker whose eloquence had been approv
ed of by the boys stated to him the object of
their visit, and thanked him for noticing the
death of so good a man. Dexter acquitted
himself remarkably Avell. He said in reply,
they were fine boys, and would grow up and
make great men ; adding, that if the fruits
or flowers were groAving, he Avould let them
all come into the garden ; but it Avas the
season only for digging. He then proposed,
that they should come in and have a glass
of Avine ; but the boys said that Avould be
making merry, and declined the honor. As
they turned to depart they raised the cry,
" long live Dexter." Never was being more
happy than Dexter at that moment. The
boys went home, some Avere reprimanded
for the course they took, and others Avere
commended for their good feelings. Dexter,
during the whole French revolution, ex
pressed his commiseration for the royal

LIFE OF dexter. 49
family that had escaped the guillotine, and
said that he Avould fit up his house for their
accommodation, if they should escape to
this country. At one period he bought up
a large stock of provisions, alleging his be
lief that they Avould come here. They did
not come ; but provisions rose in price, and
he made a handsome advance on them.
This he attributed to Providence, to pay him
for his good intentions ; but most probably
this was a piece of his sagacity, or of imi
tation, as some of his shrcAvd neighbors had
accumulated a stock likewise, and saAV their
account in it as well as himself, without al
leging any such reasons for their course of
business. Such a man's motive, it is fre
quently difficult to discover, and perhaps-
Avould be equally difficult for him to honestly
avoAV ; there are but fcAv men Avho are suffi
ciently attentive to their oAvn thoughts to
be able to analyze every motive to action,
and among these Dexter Avas not one.
Dexter, notwithstanding he believed that
his name would go down to posterity in
great honor, and that over his remain^ there
Avould hang a permanent halo of glory, still
knew that, according to the course of na
ture, " this mortal coil must be shuffled
off," and other worlds must be tried, and
that sooner than he might expect. With
this impression, he built himself a tomb, not
4

50 LIFE OF DEXTER.
a dark and dreary vault, where neither air
nor sun obtains entrance, except when its
'" ponderous and marble jaws are opened"
to receive a tenant. Dexter's tomb Avas the
basement story of a handsome summer-
house, erected on a sightly position, sur
rounded by " shrub, flower and tree." The
tomb was well lighted and ventilated — a
mere pleasant retreat, " after life's fitful fe
ver" should be over. In this sleep of death
he kncAV not what dreams might come, and
he said, that " as a candle burning in one's
room at night kept off bad dreams, Avhy
should not the light of day keep off ugly
spectres Avhen Ave shall sleep the long sleep of
death? and the music Avhich the living have
in the summer-house can offend no one."
Some one had told him, for it Avas the
amusement of young and old wags to fill his
head with singular events, that the great car
dinal Wolsey, AvhenheAvasin power, "sound
ing all the depths and shoals of honor," had
sent to Egypt for a black marble sarcopha
gus of great size, in Avhich his body was to
Avait the resurrection of the just. In all
probability the relator did not tell him that
thecardinal did notuse his sarcophagus, hav
ing died in disgrace; and certainly no one
could tell him Avhose mortal remains should
rest in it, for lord Nelson, whose corse noAv oc
cupies it, Avas then living in the full tide of

LIFE OF DEXTER. 51
fame, the admiration of Dexter, with tho
rest of the Avorld, for he had placed his effi
gy in his galaxy of the Avorthies Avho orna
mented his grounds. After long meditation,
he came to the conclusion of preparing his
OAvn coffin, as he had done his tomb, and
most certainly reason could find no argu
ments against one, more than the other ; nor,
in fact, against either. His first object Avas
to hunt for an extraordinary lot of mahoga
ny plank ; and, by picking a board here and
another there, he succeeded in procuring them
full of knots, curls and veins of rich hues.
The next step was to employ a cabinet mak
er to construct the coffin. A house joiner,
Avhose Avorks were mostly pine, would not,
in his mind, be sufficiently skilled to make
such a doomsday article. A Avorkman Avas
at length found, of reputation enough to be
employed. It was an excellent piece of
work, Avell jointed and fastened, superbly
lined and pillowed, and in which a living
head might have rested comfortably. Four
massy silver handles were attached to the
sides, in order that it might be moved about
without the awkAvardness generally attein-
dant on handling a coffin with a corse in it,
particularly a heavy one. He surveyed the
article with delight, and having the top un
screwed, tried this future repository of
his ashes, and found that there Avas room

•J'i LIFE OF DEXTER.
enough for him to lie well. He then placed
it in a room co»venient for exhibition. He
took no small pleasure in showing it to his
visiters, who generally expressed a Avish to
see it. At other times it Avas locked up with
caution, for fear it might be injured, by ac
cident or design ; for he kncAv enough of hu
man nature to believe, that envy and malice
often struck their daggers into the coffin of
those whose presence when living they fled
from. With the key which fast bound his
treasure in his pocket, he went to prepare
the place in Avhich he was to rest, by some
neAV change of earth, M'^all or upper build
ing, according to his caprice, and to hasten
the time of his coming to it by copious
draughts of alcohol — the grave-digger of
millions. After the tomb had been prepared, and the
coffin finished to his taste. Dexter, with a few
of his cronies, got up a mock funeral, sup
posed by many at the time to be a real one.
He had, by giving to his wife, son and
daughter, suits of mourning and money to
boot, engaged them, at last, to acquiesce
in his whim. Cards were sent to certain
persons in the town to attend the funeral.
Some who had no misgivings, and all Avho
desired a frolic, came at the hour appointed.
Some Avag, for he could not get a priest to
perform the burial service, read it and pro-

LIFE OF DEXTER. 53
nounced a eulogy on the great man of the
East. The procession moved to the garden-
vault, the coffin was deposited, and the door
locked. The assembled mourners returned
to the large hall, Avhere a sumptuous enter
tainment had been provided, and the choicest
wines Avere poured out like water. Some
one hinted that Dexter's ghost Avas seen at
an upper windoAv while the procession sIoav-
ly moved to the vault, but this passed aAvay,
Avhen a loud complaint Avas heard in the
kitchen. It was lord Dexter caning his
wife for not acting her part as she should
have done in the ceremony. She had not
shed a tear ! She should have cried to think
it Avas not a reality*. Dexter had been so
much pleased ih his concealment, in hearing
of his praise, that he entered the Avake-room
with the highest glee ; shared in the wine,
and threw small change from his AvindoAV to
the gaping crowd of boys who had gathered
to Avitness the last solemn scene. These
freaks amused a portion of the people, and
did no great harm. The judicious grieved,
but the mass loved fun. There was, how
ever, a drawback to his experiment ; not a
single bell tolled, Avhen he expected the whole
of them would have sounded a knell for his
passing soul. That Avas not all ; not a requi
em Avas sung, except by the wag Avho per
formed the funeral services : he gave one that

54

LIFE OF DEXTER.

some bacchanalian had in former times com
posed for himself to be sung before his de
parture. Dexter expressed himself satisfied
Avith every thing but the absence of the toll
ing bell, and his wife's dry eyes. His son
had performed his part to admiration, being
sufficiently drunk to Aveep without much
effort. It is said that his grief was so exces
sive that he required support as he entered
the tomb ; at least, the old man was satisfied
Avith his enactments.
To guard his images and his fruit, he
generally, in the summer season, kept a sen
try during the night. If the guard made no
alarm he was pretty sure of being charged
with negligence of duty. He often had a
shrcAvd old man as a Avatchman at the time
Avheii his cherries Avere ripening, and he
had a most noble orchard of this excellent
fruit, planted by the care of the original
OAvner of the premises he possessed. For
several nights the Avatchman made no alarm,
and Dexter began to suspect that he Avas
leagued Avith those Avho used to purloin his
cherries. This he did not fail to make
known to all. The next night, at the dead
hour of darkness, two discharges of a mus
ket Avere heard. The inmates of the house
rushed out half dressed and found the watch
man deploring the deed he had done ; blood
was traced from one of the trees, on Avhich

LIFE OF DEXTER. 55
a limb Avas broken, to the Avail that divided
the garden from the town street ; this Avas
partly thrown down, and prints of hands
and feet were seen in the clayey soil on
Avhich the victim had fallen, in his desperate
exertions to escape ; and then the traces of
blood Avere lost in the grass.
The Avatchman was found in an agony
of distress at the rash act, and thrcAv all the
blame, moral and legal, on his employer.
Dexter Avas delighted, and was Avilling to
take all responsibility. He Avas now amply
revenged on the rascals who had plundered
his garden. As a rcAvard, he swore, in the
plenitude of his delight, that his faithful
Avatchman should be rcAvarded by fifty
pounds of coffee. He had lately imported a
cargo of coffee, and directed his wife to weigh
it out. She, not having full confidence iu
the honesty of the transaction, and being
prudent withal, gave the guard quite a small
bag for one containing fifty pounds. Dexter
cast his eye upon it, and suspecting the
cheat, most solemnly declared that his wife
should add five-fold for all deficiencies. The
bag was Aveighed and fell sadly short. The
quantity forfeited by the wife, when forth
coming, was more than the old man could
shoulder, and he hired a hand cart to convey
the coffee, the rcAvard of his fidelity, to his
own home. It Avas undoubtedly a hoax, but it

56 LIFE OF DEXTER.
answered two purposes, without wounding
any one. It satisfied Dexter, and frightened
aAvay the little thieving rascals, who had
Avishfully eyed his fruit, if they had not, as
yet, made an attempt to furtively gain it.
The people from the country who came
to make a visit to the sea-board and to catch
a sea-breeze Avere his favorites. They came
for a frolic and enjoyed it. They knew his
Aveak side, and flattered him to his heart's
content, and for their pains saw all his curi
osities, had free access to his garden, and fed
deliciously upon ripe currants, gooseberries,
pears and plums, as happened to be ripe, and
not unfrequently drank his brandy and Ava-
ter, or partook of his good wines. If he
Avas at times a little free in his remarks, they
took no notice of it, as they visited him in
such large bodies that no one felt particu
larly aggrieved, and all departed in good
glee. On one or these visits, which fell un
der the writer's observation, the country
damsels carried on the fun so far as to beg a
lock of his hair, noAv growing gray, for a
locket. One Avished for a lock that had be
come entirely gray, another beginning to
turn so ; and, believing them all, the locks
of the Adonis Avere pretty Avell shorn ; but
it is more than probable they Averc all shorn
from a wig. If this Avere the case, he must
have been delighted at the joke ; for he loved

LIFE OF DEXTER. 57
to deceive as Avell as to be deceived. He
Avas never satisfied Avith any thing natural ;
tricks Avithout malice made up the great
amusement of his latter days. He devised
it in the morning and cherished it at night,
and no doubt but that it filled his dreams.
There Avere times in Avhich he quite as
tounded his acquaintances by his remarks,
half Avisely and half foolishly said. When
every paper Avas teeming Avith lord Thur-
low's famous speech in the house of lords,
" When I forget my king may God forget
me," he travestied it to " When I forget my
self may God forget me," and many thought
his more sincere than the chancellor's, which
seemed to smack of political ambition.
One of Dexter's amusements was to ex
amine many times a day his clocks and
Avatches, in Avhich his house abounded. In
general, he had selected those of curious
Avorkmanship and of great value. Once a
week he had them regulated and set a run
ning. And to those that behaved best, to use
his own phrase, he gave great names, some
times most ridiculously inappropriate. He
daily talked to his chronometers as things
of life, and threatened to sell them if they
did not go avcU. If they got out of order
he sent for his friend T. B., a very ingenious
Avatchmaker ; a man of singularities, but of
'no moral aberrations. He indulged in harm-

58 LIFE OF DEXTER.
less, but sometimes strange views of mental
philosophy ; and Dexter's mind Avas to him
a subject of much thought and analysis.
He had the entire confidence of the great
man of the East, and could draw from him all
his honest opinions, Avhenever he had any
that existed for a minute at a time. One
day when the artist was regulating clocks
and Avatches, which Avas no easy task, as
many of them were of complicated Avork
manship, a conversation arose upon the na
ture of time.' Dexter gave it as his opinion
that time Avas part of the atmosphere, for
some of his clocks, he said, showed Avhen it
Avas going to rain ; it Avas also a part of the
heaven, for his clocks showed the groAvth
and decrease of the moon. Then it Avas a
part of the mind of man, for he could set
one of the clocks so that it would ring a bell
and Avake him up at any hour of the night.
At last, like Simonides, Avhen questioned up
on the nature of God, who asked but a feAv
hours at first to answer the question, and at
the end of the time required a longer period,
and so on until he refused to answer at all.
Dexter gave it as his opinion that time Avas
a shadow you could not catch Avith a hat
like a butterfly, or shoot Avith a gun like a
pigeon. Time is a subject that every one, Avhat-
ever calibre of mind he may pcfesess, from

LIFE OF DEXTER. 59
the philosophical and poetical Young, to
Shakspeare's Fool, attempts to discuss.
" Good morrow, Fool," Quoth I. " No, sir," Quoth he,
" Call me not. Fool, till hcaTen hath sent me fortune."
And then he drew a dial from his polce,
And looking at it -with laclt-lustre eye,
Says very wisely, " It is ten o'clock ;
Thus may we see," quoth he, " how the world wags ;
'Tis but an hour ago since it was nine,
And after an hour more it will he eleven ;
And so from hour to hour we ripe and ripe,
And then from hour to hour we rot and rot,
And thereby hangs a tale." AVhen I did hear
The motley fool thus moral on the time,
My lungs began to crow like chanticleer,
That fools should be so deep contemplative.
And I did laugh, sans intermission,
An hour by his dial. 0 noble fool I
A worthy fool I Motley 's the only wear.
The fit of talking upon philosophy was
still upon him, and he said that it was a
great puzzle to him that God suffered man
to do Avhat he had not done himself. " Look
at all these trees," said he, " there are no tAvo
of them alike; notAvomennow going along
in the street are alike ; there are two of no
thing alike, yet you can make my clocks
and Avatches so much alike that they do not
vary a minute in a month. This is strange
to me, and I have come to the conclusion,
Mr. T. B., that man is a wonderful toad !
Sometimes I think he is a Avoodchuck, and
digs a hole to keep out of sight, until he
gets a fair chance for the clover; now he
looks to me like a Aveasel that can creep in
to a small place to catch a rat ; sometimes

60

LIFE OF DEXTER.

he is as cunning as a fox, then as stupid
as a jackass, and pretty generally, I do not
know Avhat the d— I to make of him." There
Avas a pause, but the philosophizing spirit
had not departed.
At length he resumed, " Mr. B., Avhat do
you think of our ministers in this tOAvn ? are
they, in your opinion, honest men?" " O !
certainly," replied the philosopher, Avho Avas
the best natured man in the Avorld, " excel
lent men," enumerating them, and giving
each his peculiar characteristics, to the extent
of a longer eulogy than Avas his custom to
give, for he wished to impress on Dexter's
inind a respect for the holy men. " Well,
Avell," said Dexter, " 1 suppose they are
good men ; but I want to knoAv Avhy they
do not agree any better ? they are always at
sword's points, and Avill not enter each other's
pulpits, or hardly nod at each other in the
streets. M  says, that Dr. S  's god
is his devil ; and M  again says that an
Antinomian cannot go to heaven. I once
asked lawyer P., who knows every thing,
and as much again, Avhat an Antinomian
was ; he told me in a minute that it Avas ' an
old stingy fellow Avho would not go to laAV,
and cheated the lawyer of his fees.' " "So
you see he had got one member on his side,
and that is pretty well for the lawyers."
"'Mr. B.," said Dexter, " I should liice tliis

LIFE OF DEXTER. 61
parson M  ; he has a good voice, Avhich
makes the house ring again, and he is not
afraid to roast sinners to a crisp ; but then
he has too much of the Alphin and the Ome-
gin for me," meaning that he dealt too much
in declamatory sentences, such as, " I am
Alpha and Omega — the beginning and the
end, the first and the last." The thunders
of the gospel Avere more familiar to his
tongue than the cooings of the dove, or the
whispers of love, and the musical organs of
Dexter were nicely attuned. One fact, in
proof that if
" The man that has no music in him.self,
Nor is not moved with concord of sweet sounds.
Is fit for treasons, stratagems, and spoils,"
that he who has, is not necessarily great.
The artist now Avished, at this stage of the
conversation, to avoid it altogether. But not
so Avith Dexter ; he continued, " I dare say
that all our ministers are clever fellows,
Mr. B., but 1 wish you and I had the Avind-
ing of them up ; if we had, they would not
tick so loud, and would go better than they
noAv do." So it falls out that one class of
men are critics upon others, and even Pope
acknowledged that Dennis had some truth
in his satire.
In one of his paroxysms. Dexter ordered
his son to take the gun and fire at a person
in the street, who was, as he thought, too

C2 LIFE OF DEXTER.
impudently or sneakingly viewing the pre
mises. The young man had principle and
feeling enough to decline; but the father,
draAving a pistol, swore he Avould shoot him,
if he did not obey at once. The son fired,
and either by intention or good fortune,
struck the fence, near the traveller. A com
plaint was made to the magistrates, Avho ad
judged Dexter to the county house of cor
rection, for several months. He then made
a bargain Avith the officer who Avas ordered
to attend him to his place of confinement
to suffer him to ride in his OAvn coach to the
county-house, in the toAvn of IpsAvich. The
officer attended on horseback, and Dexter
amused himself by jollification and ribaldry
all the Avay, to the astonishment of the good
people they passed. The disgrace at first
Avas nothing to the pleasure he felt, from
thinking that he was the first man sent to
the house of correction who Avent in his OAvn
carriage, drawn by two splendid horses. In
this state of confinement he grew sober, and
began to feel the degradation of his situation,
and to be solicitous of being relieved. This
Avas effected, but not without considerable
expense. It was said, at the time, to have
cost him over a thousand dollars to get out
of the scrape.
There are many of more intellect than
Dexter possessed, Avho have stolen through

LIFE OF DEXTER. 63
life Avithout censure or notice, and passed as
clever sort of men, in their Avay. It Avas
Dexter's misfortune to have made himself an
object of notoriety. He was mentally feeble,
but his Avealth gave him opportunities for
display. Strong minds, under the influence
of Avhim and caprice, often provoke a sneer
from those of more moderate capacity.
Many Avho attempted to take advantage of
him got sadly deceived. He had no small
share of cunning, Avhen all seemed to have
departed from him. He by direct or indi
rect means attained correct opinions upon
the value of goods and lands, and seldom
made an injudicious speculation. He dip
ped into the Ohio lands to great advantage,
if the first executor on his estate had been
sagacious and sold it at the right time. Al
though Dexter affected to dash ouAvard as
a leader, yet he drew all opinions from the
public voice, constantly placing his ear
Avherever public opinion Avas to be caught.
If he Avas not a profound calculator, he Avas
a ready reckoner and came to results rapidly.
There Avas no dulness about him. His ele
ments, hoAvever shalloAV, were in constant
motion. Sometimes it was thought that he
seriously questioned his OAvn greatness : but
such rational moments did not frequently
occur, and visions of distinction flitted be
fore him oftener than any other. Now and

64

LIFE OF DEXTER.

then a pious fit came over his mind, and he
was determined to seek fame and heaven
together, by becoming a patron to the
church. He did not regard the satirical re
mark of the bard,
" Who builds a house to God and not to Fame,
Will scarcely mark the marble with his name j"
but connected the idea of the constant
sounds of a church-going bell Avith " the
Avhistling of a name." Dexter's gifts Avere al-
Avays marked with the name of the donor.
The face of his presented clocks and bells
contained his name ; but gratitude has not
retained them all. The brush has passed
over the former, and the latter , have been
exchanged at the foundery, for others of a
larger size, or different tone ; and the newly
cast ones contain nothing of the former
inscriptions. Was he much to blame? If
every particle of vanity Avas extracted from
every charity of life, how little Avould be the
residuum ! Vanity is a natural, if not a
necessary ingredient, in all the eleemosynary
acts. This vanity is often easily disguised,
but, nevertheless, it exists. Dexter, like
many others, had no balance-wheel to his
mind, or regulator to his tongue, particularly
Avhen there were no dollars and cents in the
business. With all his follies, he could not
be called a hard master ; for he paid all his
Avorkmen fairly, according to his agreement,

LIFE OF DEXTER. Cy
but Avas sharp in making his bargaitis. He
insisted that every laborer was Avorthy of
his hire. A laughable instance of this has
often been related of him. One of his family
being sick, he sent for a clergyman to com
fort and pray Avith her. As he Avas about
to depart. Dexter offered the holy man his
fee. This Avas declined by the clergyman
and insisted on by Dexter, Avho unquestiona
bly had the best of the argument. Finding
all entreaty vain, the master of the house
ended the debate at the muzzle of a pistol.
HoAv few rewards Avere ever so enforced !
From the lily hand of him Avho baptizes,
and him who offers the firmer grasp of the
physician, up to the iron clench of the law-
yei, was it ever before recorded, that a para
lytic stroke reached the hand extended to
grasp a fee proffered by generosity ?
There was a giant of a fellow, born some-
Avhere near the head Avaters of the Merri
mack, by the name of William Burley. He
stood six feet seven inches high without his
shoes. His frame was compact and strong.
His hands were large and his feet monstrous.
He was the champion of every Avrestling ring
Avithin fifty miles of the place of his birth.
He had heard of Dexter and went to see
him. They were mutually pleased Avith
each other, and a bargain Avas soon made'
for Burley's services. The laborer Avas tO'
5

66 LIFE OF DEXTER.
do double work, eat a double portion of food,
and do all Dexter's fighting, on condition
that he was saved harmless from the effects
of the laAv. Burley told his employer, that
he was generally called Dwarf Billy, by
Avay of distinction, and had no objection to
the name. For some time the dwarf was
seen industriously at work in the garden and
field, much to the satisfaction of .Dexter,
Avho Avould go down to his field, sit upon a
large basket of corn or pumpkins, and make
the dwarf take the Avhole load on his back to
the barn. He Avas so fond of the dwarf that
he would spend no small part of the day
Avith him to Avitness his feats of strength,
Avhich he Avould take great pains to make
known to his neighbors.
While Burley was in the service of Dex
ter, a bold and boisterous sea captain made
the Eccentric a visit and examined his house
and grounds; but having '¦'pulled at the
halyards" too freely, Avas quite uncivil and
found fault Avith every thing he saw. Dex
ter became so vexed that he threatened to
call his men and drive him off". This Avas
amusing to the captain, Avho dared Dexter
to send any three of his men to him, and he
Avould give them fair play. Dexter now
thought of Burley, who had been so good
natured about the house that Dexter had
forgotten all about his fighting powers. Be-

LIFE OF DEXTER. 67
fore the dwarf Avas sent for, the captain took
from his pocket a guinea and offered to wa
ger it that no two men that Dexter had,
could get him fairly from the premises by
corporeal strength. The bet Avas accepted.
Billy came, and stood before the captain Avith
his arms bare, his shirt collar open, and
throwing on his antagonist a fierce look,
turned to his employer and said, " Lord Dex
ter, do you Avish me to skin him before I eat
him, or not stop for that?" " Do as you
please," said Dexter, highly amused to see
how the captain looked. The captain eyed
the man-monster for some time, put his
guinea in his lordship's hands, saying, " By
Jupiter? if this is your dv/arf, hoAv big are
your giants?" Dexter handed the guinea
over to Bill, Avho quite composedly put it into
his pocket, and taking up a handful of ap
ples, presented them to the departing guest,
Avith a speech. " Captain, it is a good deal
better to eat a few good apples than to fight
even a dwarf ! You may say that apples
are big as an eighteen pound cannon-ball,
at Halifax, but don't say that they are quite
as large as my head, Avhere I am." The
dwarf soon got tired of his employer's ca
prices, and left him.
Dexter was not only amusing in himself,
but not unfrequently the cause of wit and
merriment in others. ToAvards the close of

68

LIFE or DEXTER.

his career a stranger came to Newburyport,
and Avishing to see lord Dexter, sent him a
note, requesting the honor of an interview,
understanding that his lordship, at times,
Avas quite accessible. At this moment, " the
great eccentric" Avas quite indisposed hav
ing the night before
" Like great Caesar reeled sublime to bed,"
and of course his attendant did not give him
the note ; but the colored woman who Avas
then reigning empress of the domains took
the letter to one of her distinguished patrons
and Avished him to send an ansAver. The
gentleman was at dinner Avith a young
friend, and they thinking the Avriter of the
note was a foreigner who had been finding
fault with every thing in the country, and
boasting most egregiously of his own,
thought they would have some amusement
with him. An answer was returned stating
that, owing to the severe indisposition of
some part of his family, lord Dexter Avould
not receive the gentleman at his cha
teau, but would be happy to meet him at
eight o'clock that evening at the Bridge inn,
to share in a little supper of birds. The
note was. Avritten on rose paper and sealed
with a lordly impression. The friends pre
pared themselves for the intervicAV. The
oldest, Avho was to represent lord Dexter,
'Wore a salmon-colored coat that had formerly

LIFE OF DEXTER. 69
belonged to a French marquis Avho nad fled
from St. Domingo, at the time of the revolu
tion, and had died at NcAvburyport ; the dis
guise was still further made out by a full-
dressed wig of a fashion more than half a
century gone by. The younger, who was
to personate the son, had borrowed a drum
mer's or fifer's red, shortcoat, rather too small
for him, but Avhich gave the air of higher
gentility. It had been suggested in the an-
SAver to the stranger's note, that as they seldom
were at public places, he must not inquire
for Dexter directly, but for the gentleman in
the Avest room. The stranger was punctual ;
but lord Dexter and his son had preceded
him. As the stranger entered they saAv they
were out in their calculations, for instead of
seeing the coarse, big, and burly foreigner,
Avho had been talking of plums in his coun
try as long as goose-eggs, and cantelopes as
large as a peck basket, they met a gentle
man of highly polished manners ; and they
soon found him as intelligent as polished. As
he entered, lord Dexter arose to receive him,
with the grace and dignity of a prince. He
extended to the stranger one of the most deli
cate hands that was ever presented in friend
ship or ceremony, adorned with rings of
great brilliancy and value. The stranger,
although acquainted with the world, ac
knowledged afterwards, that he had never

70 LIFE OF DEXTER.
witnessed such high-bred manners. The
supper soon came in. His lordship asked
the stranger if the bird should be carved
after the style of the Roman Lucullus ok
after the manner of the modern epicure,
Quin. A smile played upon the face of the
stranger, and he, bowing, preferred the Ro
man method, for he Avas not very distinctly
apprized of what that might be. The knife
was drawn across the breast, and the
division made transversely instead of lat
erally, separating, in a good measure, the
white meat from the dark. " The Roman,"
said his lordship, " wished to have a good
bite of the Aving and breast to satiate his
appetite, at first, and then pick upon the
scanty dark meat to provoke a fresh appe
tite. Quin cut otherwise, because he Avish
ed to provoke an appetite first, and then in
dulge it afterwards." "Quite philosophical,"
thought the stranger, " for one of lord Dex
ter's reputation, but probably he has been
misrepresented." After quite a discussion
upon gastronomy, the politics of the day
were introduced. The character of William
Pitt, the great premier of England, came on
the tapis. The son now broke forth in his
torical eulogy of that great man. The po
litical state of the world made the back
ground of the picture. His father's virtues
Avere seen shadoAved at a distance, and the

LIFE OF DEXTER. 71
former age of lord Holland, general Wolfe,
Avith the embalmed malice of Junius, Avere
forcibly depicted. Buonaparte Avas placed
alongside of Pitt the younger, and their char
acteristics dwelt upon, until they Avere seen
blazing abroad, and overshadoAving the
Avhole Avorld. From politics they passed
to literature and science, and in all, the
stranger bore his part most admirably, noAv
and then gazing Avith Avonder upon his en
tertainers. A ncAv race of poets Avere then
just twinkling on the literary horizon. Sou
they Avas then struggling through those Jac
obin mists, which so long obscured his noble
genius. Campbell had breathed his strain
of hope, and Coleridge had begun his song.
Sir Walter Scott Avas then a clerk, Avho had
noAv ventured a fcAv stanzas only, and Avas
still recording on the docket. " The Pur
suits of Literature" had just reached us, but
the author Avas then not knoAvn. His taste,
his vanity, his learning, his honest but oft-
misguided satire, were subjects of passing
remark. The stranger inquired for the
American poets. They Avere presented to
him in regular order, from the earliest his
tory of our country to the time of the con
versation, and fair analysis of them given.
Lord Dexter now and then interspersed a
sh'rcAvd and pointed remark, but yielded to
his son, as being more conversant Avith mod
ern subjects.

72 LIFE OF DEXTER.
The wine Avas excellent, and circulated
freely. His lordship was at home in the
science of the wine cup. He knew every
vintage, on every soil, and now more than
ever astonished the stranger. His lordship
talked of every choice bottle from the Godol
phin down to old Row's sales.
The subject of horses Avas alluded to ;
the Sporting Magazine Avas a text book to his
lordship. The history of the horse Avas fa
miliar to. him, from the day he Avas first sub
jugated to man, to the barb and grey hound
of the desert of the present hour. The con
versation Avas continued until late in the
night, Avhen the father and son took their
carriage to go home. The stranger suggest
ed that he Avould follow, as he was not ac
quainted with the road. There Avas still a
lurking suspicion in the stranger's mind that
he Avas hoaxed. When Dexter and his son
arrived at their chateau, the colored Avoman
opened the gate, and they, Avishing the
stranger good night, rode in. His suspicions
could exist no longer. He drove on, and
they, waiting until he Avas out of sight, fol
lowed him. On viewing the subject the
next day, they come to the conclusion that
it Avas the proper course to make an expla
nation at once. The next morning they
took a fcAV friends Avith them and made the
" amendjij honorable" to the stranger; by

LIFE OF DEXTER. 73
this time he had become acquainted Avith the
braggadocio they intended to gull, and Avas
as much disgusted with him as they Avere.
All, therefore, Avas readily forgiven, and the
stranger Avas treated in the most courteous
manner. He Avas introduced to lord Dexter
and his (Jriveling son, and often amused his
friends by the feelings and reasonings which
passed his mind in his evening's entertain
ment. He used to say that he did not think
that there were as many diamond rings in
the Avhole city, as Dexter exhibited that
night. Late as it was Avhen he returned, he
took down the evening's conversation, and
read it at several dinners, to the no small
amusement of his listeners.
In some Avay or other Dexter and his
family Avere constantly, for several years,
before the public ; for every thing they did
Avas noticed. The common currents of life
make a smooth surface, and attract but lit
tle attention ; but on those waters where are
seen a few ripples and whirlpools the eye is
constantly directed ; and it is no great mat
ter to the observer Avhether their agitations
are made by a sea-serpent or a horned pout,
or any other small fry. Diogenes, in his
course of life, did not half as much good as
lord Dexter, for Dexter employed and fed
many men, while the Greek philosopher
hardly fed himself The difference between

74 LIFE OF DEXTER.
these great eccentrics Avas this, Diogenes
wished even kings to get out of his sunshine,
and Dexter Avished his glory to shine on
every fool Avho would Avorsliip him.
Dexter, although he did not do much good,
did not live in vain. The follies he was
guilty of fell on himself and his family, but
the public did not suffer much. He Avas
guiltless of shedding his country's blood ; his
ambition did not that Avay tend. He never
aspired to the dreams of Condorcet, nor ter
rified the world Avith the dagger of Catiline.
He sometimes affrighted his household with
the discharge of a musket, but never aimed
Avith sufficient precision to hit his object.
He never led mankind astray by false rea
soning, for he never reasoned. He had no
influence in the social or political relations
in life, for he Avas hardly within the pale of
either circle. He never excited envy in the
breast of any one. The beggar that receiv
ed his alms pitied the opulent giver. If there
were those Avho repined at their Avant of for
tune, they thought of Dexter and ceased to
grieve. The tyro at school used his name
in his themes upon the vanity of riches, and
ran parallels between the poor with Avisdom
and the rich Avith folly. It Avas a good sub
ject and often discussed. Not unfrequently
the youthful poet would launch a satirical
rhyme at him, and even his dog did not es-

LIFE OF DEXTER. 75
cape abuse for not having sagacity enough
to read his master's character. He never
rose to the altitude of hatred, nor to the dig
nity of scorn, but Avas named for the laugh
ter of the mirthful and used by the grave
" to point a moral or adorn a tale." There
were none so poor as to do him reverence.
One autumnal morning the writer Avas
passing Dexter's mansion quite early, and
saAv him talking Avith a group of women on
horseback. Their appearance Avas more
frightful than the Aveird sisters on the heath ;
their attire was entirely tatterdemalion; their
faces begrimed with dirt and smoke ; their
eyes haggard and sunken, and their bonnets
of every hue, and dingy in all. The horses
on Avhich they Avere mounted Avere nearly
skeletons, and out-rosinanted Rosinante him
self The horse of Don Quixote, from the
military panoply of his master, armed with
a spur, had a touch of chivalry in him ; but
all fire had departed from the vision of their
shadoAvs of horses. The dialogue between
the " wise, man of the East" and those
skinny, choppy-fingered witches could not
be distinctly heard, but the laugh Avas
screamy and obstreperous. The conversa
tion lasted some time before they took up
their line of march on their skeletons. From
what was caught by the ear at their parting,
the belief then was, that there had been a

76 LIFE OF DEXTER.
trial of wit and sharp sayings between the
women and lord Dexter, for they rode off
Avith faces full of broad humor, Avhile his
bore marks of defeat. From whence came
these imps the Avitness could not at that lime
conjecture, but on inquiry found they were
" Dog-Towners," people who inhabited a
heath about five or six miles distant from the
Merrimack. The next day the Avriter Avith
a friend made them a visit. The travellers
entered a dreary looking tract of neglected
land, evidently thought by the owners too
poor for cultivation. A few wretched huts
were scattered over the barren spot, among
brush and Aveeds, with smoke, issuing from
every part of the roofs of the cabins. The
horses seen the day before near the palace,
were here and there browsing upon thistles,
Avire grass and blackberry vines, looking full
of misery. The crows were cawing over
their heads, with whetted beaks, impatient for
their natural rights, the possession of their
carcas.ses, when the foAV sands of the wretched
jades had run through the hour-glass of their
existence. The ominous croakings seemed
evidently to occupy the minds of the avo-
begone steeds. Among the bushes were seen
the women gathering whortleberries, black
berries and various wild herbs, such as tho-
rough-Avax, pennyroyal, white Aveed, mul
lein, five-fingers, yellow dock, scullcap, Avith

LIFE OF DEXTER. 77
other herbs half domesticated, as saffron,
hyssop, and balm. The herbs and berries
were for the next day's market. On looking
into the cabins we found an abundance of
children, but not any men excepting one or
tAvo decrepit old fellows, past service ; the
others, Ave understood, had gone a macker-
elling. The children of both sexes Avere
without hats, bonnets or shoes, and had but a
scanty rag to cover them. The outer layer
of their hair was bleached to a broAvn flax
color, of Avhatever natural hue it might
have been originally. Their feet felt no
thing but the sharpest thorns; they scoffed
at the brier and complained not of stone-
crushes. These children Avere as agile as
young goats of the mountains, and but a lit
tle more intelligent. They Avere unacquaint
ed with misery, for they were above the ills
of life. Among the children were seen a few
stunted SAvine, squealing around the hovels.
They Avere the most sensitive of all. the crew.
There Avere also a fcAV barn-foAvl, the only
well fed creatures we saAv, for they were rev
elling on clouds of grasshoppers. To make
up the group there were Several cows of Pha
raoh's lean kine, Avith a bell hanging between
their horns to direct the ear of the heath-born
urchins Avho looked after the coavs straying
from the neighboring cabins ; Ave did not see
any spinning-wheel, loom or instrument of

78 LIFE OF DEXTER.
husbandry. There was, however, one branch
of manufacture carried on even here ; it Avas
that of distillation. A few small stills Avere
then in operation, for making tansy water,
mint drops and similar essences. We bought
there several bottles of rosewater of a most
exquisite flavor. It was distilled from the
leaves of the Eglantine. This species of the
wild rose abounds in that region, and by
long usage is the property of the herb-Avo-
men, and never gathered by the OAvners of
the pastures in which it groAvs. The
fiiend of the Avriter, more fond of draAving
landscapes than of shooting the Avild pigeons,
then plentiful thereandall around, sketched a
view of Dog- Town and adorned it Avith some
figures of these Aveird sisters, over a still,
drawing the alcohol from herbs, as Avas prac
tised at Bagdad some nine hundred years be
fore it Avas known on the Newbury borders.
The sketch Avas graphic ; the smoke of the
alembic arose curling around the heads of
the females Avatching the process; an old tat
tered remnant of _ a petticoat was throAvn
over their heads to' keep off a scorching sun
of the last of August. The figures Avere all
to the life. The writer remarked that in
some distant day, the picture might be
read in the heraldry of some family, as the
priestess of Nature, interrogating her mother
to disclose her secrets. All that Avas to be

LIFE OF DEXTER. 79
done to effect the change Avas only to soften
the hard features of the females, give a fash
ionable air to the ragged garments, call the
old black petticoat the veil of Isis, and in
scribe this motto to the picture, " Hygeia
in herbas," and the metamorphosis would be
effected. By elevating the imagination and
producing new creations from old ones, and
from trivial incidents, a thousand greater
changes Avere made in former days. The
laureate of some future Dexter may seize the
images and prove his patron to have descend
ed from the great and early benefactors of
mankind, who taught the virtues of vegeta
ble medicines.
The next morning the cavalcade made
their appearance in the city, and as they
reached the borders of it filed off in separate
directions to supply their particular custom
ers, for all who traffic have a system of their
OAvn of doing business.
It Avould strike one as almost impossible
that such a colony should exist Avithin six
miles of a beautiful and enlightened tOAvn.
But fcAV seemed to knoAv any more about
them than that they Avere Dog-Towners and
supplied the town Avith herbs and berries.
Ten thousand prayers have arisen from the
holy altars of that pious toAvn for the hea
then Avho Avalk in darkness, and are perish
ing for lack of vision; but Avho ever heard a

80 LIFE OF DEXTER.
single aspiration to heaven for a blessing on
the colony of Dog-Town 1 Once, and again,
have the generous hearts of the inhabitants
of that good place, Newburyport, beat high
at the departure of holy men, missionaries to
the heathen, Avho Avent forth loaded with
presents and Avafted onward by blessings, to
bring the Hindoos within the pale of Christ
ianity, to break every spoke in the accursed
Avheels of the car of Juggernaut, and to op
pose by holy violence the tenth incarnation
of Brahma, and Avho Avere there that did not
feel a portion of the enthusiasm generally
exhibited at such times. But Avould it not
be Aviser to think of those Avho perish for
lack of vision near us? I speak of times
gone by, before home missionaries Avere
thought of All may noAv be changed, for
aught I know.
But to my ppint; miserable as these beings
of Dog-Town Avere, they still Avere possessed
of some character, for they did all they could
in their sphere, and they despised him Avho
fell short of his duty. They laughed at the
folly of Dexter as Avell as their betters, and
felt that they were every Avay above him.
They were bound to a hard-hearted soil that
refused to pay the laborer, but they picked
up a few of the foundling germs of nature,
and by industry and perseverance made a
new class of statistics in national traffic ;

LIFE OF DEXTER. 81
while the possessor of great wealth Avas then
frittering aAvay the stores a blind fortune had
shoAvered upon his head, casting them aAvay
without feeling or Avithout principle.
Man, a little beside himself, is the most
unreasonable of all animals. Dogs and horses
belonging to those accustomed to being ine
briated will come to the succor of their mas
ters. The Avriter remembers a spirited horse
that no blows Avould drive to a quick pace
when he felt his master reeling on his back.
It was said that Dexter's dog Avould never
leave his master's feet Avhen he was at all
intoxicated. What a satire on the presump
tion of man, who arrogates to himself to be
lord of creation !
A rich man of eccentricities will always
gather around him strange associates, and
Dexter could boast of many such. Among
those who early had an influence over him
John P  may be named. He Avas of
a respectable family, from which at a ten
der age he became an outcast. He was a
being possessed of high powers of taste, im
agination and invention. He had in the
common paths of life gleaned something in
the form of knoAvledge, and could make
most dexterous use of it among the mass of
mankind. He was a splendid chirographist,
and this Avas then the great desideratum for
a school-master, to Avhich honor he aspired ;
6

82 LIFE OF DEXTER.
but with a discreet school committee his
morals would not answer, notwithstanding
their impressions of his genius and learning.
Having been rejected as a candidate for one
of the town schools, he opened a private one,
and for a while attracted attention and had
a respectable number of pupils. The writer
of this memoir, then only nine years of age,
was among them. John P  Avas a dare
devil in some things and a coward in others,
a man of perpetual contradictions in his
characteristics. He gulled the world with
pretensions to occult sciences, while he knew
but little of any practical branch of know
ledge. He set up claims to judicial astrolo
gy and cast nativities for those who Avere
credulous enough to believe in the science,
and sometimes appeared a sincere believer
in his own calculations. He said of him
.self that he should never die until the sun
was blotted out of the heavens, and, to fix
the credulity of thousands, expired in a mis
erable mansion on the 16th of June, 1806,
during the great and total eclipse of the sun
on that day. He Avas stretched on his death
bed, so exhausted that he could not raise
himself without assistance to gaze on the
phenomenon. Being supported by some one,
and handed a piece of smoked glass to look
at the sun, he reverted to his former prophe
cy, and at the moment of total darkness,

LIFE OF DEXTER. 83
when all nature around him seemed distress
ed, the chill of death came over him and he
expired Avithout a sigh. However natural
may be such death, superstition never forgets
such an instance, but treasures it up in the
memory, and it has its influence for years to
come, if not on the conduct, certainly on the
feelings of many. One of the freaks of this
eccentric man Avas, as he called it, to test his
pupils' pluck. One instance the Avriter can
never forget. A blind preacher, by the name
of Prince, died, and during his last moments
requested to be buried in the tomb Avith the
celebrated George Whitefield and the rever
end Jonathan Parsons. Whitefield had died
in NcAvburyport, in 1770, and a vault Avas
made for him under the first Presbyterian
church in the town, and Parsons was laid
by his side a few years afterwards. This
Avas the only tomb under or near the build-*
ing. It was opened a day or tAvo before the
funeral of blind Prince, and hundreds visited
it. Whitefield and Parsons had been buried
in their surplices and wigs, which remained,
after so many years, tender, or nearly rotten,
but entire. Every visiter stole a piece of
the holy relics to carry away and preserve.
At the close of the afternoon lessons the
school-master and astrologer took a pupil to
the vault and showed him the remains. The
entrance was by a trap door in the broad-

84 LIFE OF DEXTER.
aisle of the meeting-house. A small lamp
was glimmering over the sacred ashes of the
two pious divines. The wicked teacher saw
that the boy was in a profound reverie, and
silently stole out qJ the tomb, and shutting
the trap door, departed. The child heard
the trap door close, and for an instant trem
bled at the thought of being alone in the
charnel-house; but he instantly recovered
himself, and stood composedly gazing on
those Avho slept beneath. Can the departed
spirits of good men injure children? was the
question put to himself This was soon set
tled in his mind, and he taxed'his memory
for all the anecdotes of them Avhich he had
heard from his pious mother, who had often
listened to the orator Whitefield, during
his arousing appeals to those Avho went on
in life " sleeping on the confines of eternity
and walking unco)icer?ied over the bottomless
pit." The child of the tomb at that hour
is still living, and has been frequently heard
to say that he dates back to that period the
reverence in Avhich he ever holds the dead.
How long he was there he could not say
precisely, but it Avas the time the school
master took to go some distance, and drink
tea Avith the boy's mother. As the astrolo
ger finished his last cup, he told the mother
the position in Avhich he had left her son to
test his courage. The indignant Avoman

LIFE OF DEXTER. 85
sent him immediately to the release of her
child, desiring an elder boy to go with the
monster, as she called him, to see that he
Aveiil directly to the church. She was dis
turbed, but at once observed "the boy will
sustain himself, I know his character :" still
the fondness and fearfulness of the mother
lingered beneath the guise of the pious he
roine. When the prisoner returned not a
Avord passed between him and his mother on
the subject, and months elapsed before either
alluded to the circumstance. *
Such Avas the man Avho for several years
Avas the director of the mind of Dexter. He
at once understood the calibre of the success
ful fool, and took the proper course to man
age him. The astrologer pretended to ini
tiate his patron into the occult arts and sci
ences, and exhibited his books of necroman
cy treating of Druidical rites and abounding
in Runic characters. There can be no doubt
that at the conclusion of the lessons both the
master and pupil's information Avas nearly
the same. The writer has the most vivid
recollection of the astrologer and his school-
house. Under a Avidely spreading elm of the
first class, which probably had been spared
by the early settler, on the south side of
High street, betAveen Avhat are noAv State
and South streets, in Newburyport, there
was a small cottage containing one room;

86 LIFE OF DEXTER.
this was the school-room of master P  .
His manners were familiar, his discipline
lax, and his punishments few and not se
vere. He taught by conversation and lec
tures ; and so happy Avere his illustrations
that his boys of ten years old were superior
to those of other schools at fifteen. He had
several maps and charts, and spent hours
each day in showing his pupils the different
parts of the globe. When geography was
not a study in the common schools, his boys
could chalk out a tolerable map on the floor
and name the large cities and great rivers
of different countries. He knew a smatter
ing of chemistry, and performed many ex
periments in natural philosophy; but, so little
understood was the science of chemistry at
that time, these experiments Avere called
tricks. He had been taught some optical
illusions, Avhich excited AVonder among his
pupils. He would take them into the Avoods
and fields and teach them the names of trees
and plants, and of the birds as they flew by.
It Avas so much more delightful to go to
master P  ¦ than to other schools, that no
scholar that had been with him ever return
ed cheerfully to the other instructors. The
rare books he possessed were sometimes
shown to his favorite pupils, and he explain
ed their uses to them, laughing at the credu
lity of the world. He introduced athletic

LIFE OF DEXTER. 87
sportsandsuperintended them himself, Avhich
was»a most scandalous affair to the other
grave teachers. One of them Avent so far as
to say that he had gone in a swimming Avith
his boys and showed them how to acquire
the art I Avhat gross impropriety, thought
the dull teachers. The Avriter's memory has
hardly lost a single occurrence of that mem
orable epoch; and on revicAving the man and
his course, although he must confess that
the extent of his knoAvledge of science Avas
small, and there Avas a great deal of charla
tanry about him as a teacher, yet he pro
nounces him a man of extraordinary poAvers
of mind, and one Avho more than any other
had a forecast of Avhat instruction should be.
It is indeed a misfortune for a man to live
before his age, or rather in advance of it.
After all, he lived with a good-sense people,
and might have been respectable had he been
less profligate in his habits, or more guarded
in his conduct. He foolishly ridiculed Avhat
he called superstition, and satirized stupidity
Avherever he found it. He made himself
hated by coining soubriquets for his neighbors
that often had point and sarcasm in them,
and too much truth to make a palatable joke
of He took more pleasure in annoying
dulness than in enlightening ignorance, and
was never happier than when he could raise
a laugh at any blockhead's expense. There

60 LIFE OF DEXTER.
Avas no medium in any thing he did ; his
generosity Avas prodigality, and his friendship
enthusiasm, but his enmities died away as
soon as he had succeeded in making his foe
ridiculous. He was a kind and skilful
Avatcher over a sick bed, and never appeared
Aveary in administering to the comfort of
the afflicted. He had a passion for being
with the dying and the dead ; and he adjust
ed the folds of the winding sheet with ex
quisite taste, and the grave digger's mattock
and spade were lovely instruments in his
eyes. He evinced a hatred to all lies on
tomb-stones, and often made parodies on flat
tering epitaphs. One which ended in an
old fashioned couplet, " Death, by thy fiery
darts thou hast me slain," he changed to
"Rum, by thy," &-c. which alteration mad
a great noise at the time.
Many stronger minds than that of Dex
ter have been at times under the influence
of superstition. His was inconstant thral
dom by its influence. Brutus saAV Caesar's
ghost, who promised to meet him at Philip-
pia, and Buonaparte believed in presenti
ments. Fates and Fortunes. My lord Dexter
had a great variety of fortune-telling works,
dream books, and such valuable trash. Of
ten, not trusting entirely to one juggler, he
Avould consult another, and sometimes they
played into each other's hands. On the pur-

LIFE OF DEXTER. 89
liens of the toAvn there lived a singularly
bold, intelligent woman, Avho Avent by the
name of madam Hooper : the name she
probably assumed, as it Avas a highly
respectable one in the tOAvn in which she
lived. She had made her appearance af
ter the peace of 1763, and unquestionably
had been an appendage to the English army
in Canada. She gave out that she was the
widoAV of a British officer, Avho fell Avith
Wolfe. She had received a good education,
particularly for that day. This woman ob
tained a school in the toAvn, and taught fe
males Avith success ; but, at length, becoming
tired of the labor, she gave it up and lived
on fortune-telling. She was wondrously
shrcAvd, and made many admirable conjec
tures upon forth-coming time, by knoAving
the past events of the individual's life. She
sometimes pretended that her charms refus
ed to Avork, and her applicants were sent
away, to come again in a more propitious
hour. This gave her an opportunity of hear
ing all the conjectures made upon the sub
ject. Then her Mephistopheles Avould obey
the league and bring information. She had
a masculine voice, and powerful arm, by
which she could wield a sAvord, particularly
a broad sword, with the skill and force of a
fencing master. She was also an excellent
shot with gun or pistol, and frequently

90 LIFE OF DEXTER.
amused herself by trials of skill, all alone,
except she Avas watched by some wonder-
struck boys who had taken pains to conceal
themselves to witness her feats. Her con
versations generally partook of aphoristic
fragments, enigmatical sentences, with up
lifted or downcast eyes, or attended Avith
strange gestures; and she not unfrequently
closed her incantations with indistinct mut-
terings, as if communing with invisible
spirits. On a time Dexter had a bed of fine
melons robbed, night after night, of the
ripest and best of fruit. His astrologer
could not give him any information on this
subject, as it Avas nearly the full of the
moon, the patroness of thieves, and the stars,
by being further from the earth, refused to
answer all inquiry at the time. The astrol
oger advised Dexter to apply to madam
Hooper, as her conjuration Avas not affected
by the moon or any. other planet. Dexter,
at length, applied to her. She called up the
thief for her OAvn satisfaction. She repre
sented him as a grave looking man, in drab
clothes, one that Avas never suspected by the
owner of the melons, but she distinctly told
him how to find the house, and that there
he Avould find several melons that had been
marked by him. Precisely as he Avas di
rected, he did, and there Avere his melons.
concealed, to be sold next day. She had

LIFE OF DEXTER. 91
now established her fame Avith Dexter. It
was probably by a system of espoinage that
she Avas able to do all this ; but it must be
confessed, that many of her prophecies, inu-
endoes, and even positive declarations, have,
as yet, found no Sphinx to unriddle them.
She Avas one of the best physiognomists in
the Avorld. She frequently made his lord
ship a visit, and asked for nothing she did
not receive. She did not live long enough to
see Dexter in his Avane, but at her death he
took into favor the celebrated Moll Pitcher,
who lived at the very inconvenient distance
of tAventy-eight miles from his chateau ; but
she was several times consulted by Dexter.
The first time he visited the dame he went
in disguise ; but she soon found him out, but,
concealing the fact, told all that had happen
ed to him for many years past, and this
chained him at once to the full belief of the
potency of her spells. Pitcher was a shrewd
woman, without education, and Dexter
sympathized with her more readily, and un
derstood her better, than he did the learned
dame Hooper. He was afraid of the latter,
but he came within the magic circle of the
other without any dread. The history of
these women might be pursued until the
wise would blush, and the judicious grieve,
lo find how many of good sense in most
things have made fools of themselves, by

92 life of dexter.
clandestinely consulting these fortune-tellers.
The belief that the devil allows some of his
imps to know something hid from the wise
was an early impression, and one that will
last as long as man exists, but such is the
progress of common sense that the evils that
once flowed from this error have ceased to
be in any degree alarming. Dexter, in all
probability, saved money by his acquaint
ance with these persons, reputed to know
every one who trespassed upon his premises.
But few men or boys dared under the cover
of darkness to run the risk of encountering
those Avho dealt in supernatural agency.
Such is human nature, that many, who af
fect to despise all stories of hobgoblins and
witches in the sunshine, are confoundedly
afraid of them in the dark, particularly
Avhen doing Avhat their consciences teach
them to be Avrong. To guard his fruit, a
few sentinels, man-traps and spells of en
chanters, united, gave his garden a security
that the Hesperides never Avas sure of, un
der the potent spells of the dragon ; and
there is no more insidious and formidable
foe than the boys of a city are to the or
chards of the vicinity.
We have mentioned Dexter's literary taste
as being greater than his acquirements. He,
in emulation of the kings of England, select
ed a poet laureate ; never Avas there a more

LIFE OF dexter. 93
admirable selection. Their tastes, their ge
nius, and, in some measure, their course of
life, were suited to each other. The name
of the bard was rather unpoetical, being
Jonathan Plummer ; but at that time that
wicked Avag, lord Byron, had not said
" AmOS Cottle Phoebus ! what a name." He
was younger than his patron by more than
twenty years ; but was wonderfully grave
for his age. He was born near Gravel hill,
in the town of NcAvbury, a large ancient
town, from which Newburyport had been
taken, a foAV years before the revolution.
Unlike most poets, he died near the very
spot of his birth-place. He was a strange
and wayward boy, had a great fondness for
reading, and possessed a remarkable memo
ry. At about sixteen or eighteen years of
age, he attended a meeting of religious enthu
siasts who worshipped God in the woods
and fields. Here, while listening to the
ranting of field preachers, his genius blazed
forth, and he spoke like one of gifts and
graces. His voice was deep toned and sol
emn, and of great compass, and his dis
courses Avere often graced with anecdotes
from his miscellaneous reading. He soon
announced to the world his intention of de
voting his days to the holy calling of saving
souls, and abandoned bis former honest call
ing of selling halibut from a wheelbarrow,

94 LIFE OF dexter.
at fair Aveight and Ioav prices ; a fat fin cut
for two coppers a pound, the more solid
parts for a copper; and Avhen there was a
more plentiful supply, even a " Brumagem"
would buy enough to furnish a man a din
ner. When the halibut Avere gone, he used
his wheelbarrow as a vehicle from Avhich he
vended straw for under beds, and, for years,
he managed this business. He, at times,
under his mass of straw concealed certain
publications, that were frowned at, if not
prohibited, at common law. He sold Hoyle
to young men, and a copy of Bonnel Thorn
ton's poems might be had of him ; but Avhen
he became a student in divinity all these
sources of profit failed, for it was not decor
ous now to deal in these matters; but as
genius is always full of resources, he soon
appeared in another sphere of letters. He
seized all the terrible accide?its, drownings,
suicides, and hangings, and ornamenting his
sheet with coffins, and spreading it out Avith
eulogies, elegies, and warnings, in prose
and verse, he ushered them to the public
from a literary cabinet, as he called the bas
ket on his arm. This was a profitable
trade, for he added to this Pierian stock a box
of Hygeian pills, or a tincture in pliials for
certain cures and preventives, ifcc. At times,
for a few cents, he Avould recite his oAvn
compositions, or those he had committed to

life of dexter. 95
memory ; and, if in an affected manner, yet
that manner Avas not Avithout effect. IDur-
ing some months in the Avinter he retired to
the country, and kept school, and Avas not
unfrequently quite a popular master, for in
his day there Avere districts in Avhich the
question among the school committee Avas,
not " Avhat does he knoAV?" but "hoAV cheap
can Ave get him?"
His Avhole business now Avas Avith the
Muses, in one or more of their capacities, as
inspirers or teachers of mankind. In the
bright and sweet risings of his fame, but
Avhile he yet wore the clerical habit, his pro
ductions caught the eye of the " greatest
man of the East ;" an introduction Avas
readily had, for Avealth makes no ceremony
of entering the temples of learning. The
divine had never received a call, although
his fame had been Avidely spread. Hoav of
ten do Ave see prosing dulness take the place,
ay, the precedency of exalted talents. Per
haps thinking he should never rise to Sibene-
fice, he closed Avith a proposal to enter the ser
vice of Dexter SiS poet laureate. The stipend,
for genius can never stoop to salaries, Avas
small, but lie was furnished Avith a singularly
splendid livery. It consisted in a long, black,
frock coat, with stars on the collar, and also
at the front corners ; this livery also Avas
fringed, Avhere fringes could be put ; a black

96 LIFE OF dexter.
under dress, shoes and large buckles, Avith a
large cocked hat, and a gold-headed cane,
made out the dress. The poet laureate began
his reign by eulogies in prose and verse, and
for some time the poet and patron were mu
tually happy ; but after a while Jonathan
found that his muse could not produce flat
tery half as fast as the cormorant appetite
of his patron demanded, and Avhen he did
concoct an article of the kind it Avas not half
as saleable as the wonderful matters Avhich
he gathered for his calender of strange events.
A religious scruple came over his conscience ;
in a dream he had learned that it Avas sinful
to Avear fringes ; this scruple he imparted to
his patron, Avho ridiculed the impression as
nonsensical. This was too much for ihe lau
reate ; still, however, after mutual jealousies
and scoldings on one side, and mutterings on
the other, they patched up treaties of peace,
which lasted until the death of the patron.
Jonathan expected to be remembered in
the Avill of Timothy, but he Avas not, and
his grief could not be assuaged, or the loss
of his legacy could not be forgotten ; but he
was obliged to console himself Avith the hon
ors he had already received.
The poet continued his labors in compo
sitions and sales for nearly twenty years af
ter the death of his patron, and by the most
rigid economy accumulated a pretty little

LIFE OF DEXTER. 97
property, as Avas found at his death. He
had Avritten, published, and sold several
wills of his OAvn, before his death, but he
left one altogether different as his last testa
ment. Some of the fair damsels mentioned
in a will he published many years before,
had grown old when he Avas about to give
up the ghost, and their charms were no lon
ger the keys of his coffers. During a great
part of his life no man was more self-com
placent than Jonathan Plummer; no poet
ever more satisfied with his muse ; but his
distracted brain at length Avas seized Avith
the disease of self-abhorrence, and he acted
on the maxim, " if thine eye offend thee,
pluck it out," until it led to a mutilation
of his person ; but he recovered from this,
and died of self-starvation. So departed
this poet of dreadful accidents, of groans,
and tears, and warnings, who had been city
and country ballad-monger for more than
forty years. If his fame shall not be as ex
tensive as the laureates of other times, his
life Avas more singular; no one ofthe whole
list, from Dryden to Southey, Avas more in
dustrious ; and in this he differed from them,
he Avas more successful in selling than in
composing; and perhaps in one more he sur
passed them, he Avas quite as grateful to his
patron as they were to their kings. Dryden
was removed from his office by a profligate
7

08 LIFE OF DEXTER.
monarch, or his subservient ministers, to
make room for such a poetaster as Shad-
Avell. The supremacy of Plummer was
never questioned, nor was he ever supersed
ed; although at times it must be confessed
that Dexter received praise from rival poets,
and " rolled it as a sweet morsel under his
tongue." Plummer was moral, didactic and
pathetic, but indifferently descriptive. I do
not remember that he ever attempted a full
picture of the palace and its appendages,
notwithstanding it afforded a more ample
field for poetical description than Windsor
Forest, or even Wapping, themes on Avhich
Pope dwelt with so much delight, and in
Avhich he succeeded so admirably Avell.
Sternhold and Hopkins Avere the models on
Avhich our bard fashioned his productions,
and if he deviated from them it Avas to fol
low the early New England psalmist, whose
Avorks, shame on the taste of the limes ! have
gone down to oblivion. He satirized the fol
lies and vices of men Avithout being particu
lar as to fools and culprits.
Plummer boasted that he had been croAvn-
ed Avith the poet's wreaths of flowers, by the
hand of his patron, in open day, but never
seemed satisfied that all had been done
Avhich the august ceremony required. Some
years after the laurel crown had been placed
on Plummer's brow, some one read to him

LIFE OF DEXTER. 99
the ceremony of crowning those poets Avho
had Avon the prizes in Italy. The crowning
of Petrarch and Corrina attracted his atten
tion, and he sighed to think that he nor his
patron Avas acquainted Avith these gorgeous
ceremonies when he Avas honored Avith the
laurel. Dexter had been told that the Dru
ids crowned their bards Avith misletoe, and
as this did not grow in his garden he Avas
directed to use parsley in its stead. This
herb, or rather Aveed, is frangible, and easily
wilts ; but in this case it did not perish by
sun, wind or rain, for the mob of boys press
ed on so furiously that the ceremony was
interrupted, the laurel scattered, and the
poet and his patron fled. Some laughing
damsel, hearing of the issue of the ceremony,
bound some artificial floAvers on the cocked
hat, Avhich looked as well as the Avreath of
Parnassus, drenched in the richest dcAvs of
Castalia. This was the only time an attempt
was ever made to crown an American poet,
literally, as it was done in former times.
Still there are men now walking our streets
who wear the bays by dint of puffers, Avho
never deserved a single leaf of laurel ; Avho,
for wishy-washy, silky-milky rhymes, print
ed in either hemisphere, and trumpeted by
those who expect a similar favor, are
astonished that the Avorld let them pass
without paeans from every quarter. They

100 LIFE OF DEXTER.
may reign for a while, as Shadwell took the
laureate's leaf from Dryden, but they Avill in
a fcAv years pass away as the whole bevy
of the Delia Cruscan school was swept into
oblivion by the iron hand of Gifford. There
was some hissing among the small snakes,
and Avrithing and darting of stings of those
Avho reared their heads as gorgons of a big
ger size, but the very " reluctantes dracones"
died within the grasp of the modern Juvenal.
Oh I for some extermination of this noi
some race, for whether they belong to the
tribe of creeping reptiles, or may be classi
fied Avith fawning puppies, they are equally
offensive. T'he poet was in the full sale of his Avorks
in 1808, after the death of his patron, when
a young lawyer came to Newburyport to
practise in his profession. The honest oAvn-
er of the premises which he wished to hire
told him candidly, that he would find one
great nuisance about the premises, that no
one but death could abate. He then stated
that Plummer, the poet, Avas in the habit of
sitting on the steps of the office several hours
in the day, and that his temper Avas so vin
dictive that he, nor any other person, dared
drive him away. "Never mind that," said
the young man, " I will take that upon my
self" On taking possession of the premises he
said not a Avord to Plummer for some Aveeks,

LIFE OF DEXTER. 101
and he came Avith his basket as usual. The
occupant in the mean time bought of all the
Parnassian assortment of the poet, and put
his name as a subscriber for Avhatever might
come from his pen; the poet's confidence
was entirely won, and they interchanged as
friends the words of salutation every day.
At length, one day the lawyer took Mr.
Plummer aside, and observed, " I know you
are my friend, and you will hear me patient
ly. You are aware that people Avho visit laAv-
yers' offices are of all classes,— sometimes
the rich, who Avish to oppress, sometimes the
poor, who Avant protection, and not unfre
quently the vicious : now none of these Avish
to be inspected by the pious clergyman Avho
may point at them in his next discourse ;
this drives a great many from my door to
others ; you certainly do not Avant to injure
me." The poet seemed to aAvake from a
dream. " I see it, I see it all," Avas his first
remark, — "you shall find me there no more,"
and Avas as good as his Avord. The poet
was now invited to come into the office, and
examine the lawyer's library, Avhich contain
ed the English classics, and select those he
wished for his reading. The poet sparingly
availed himself of the offer, but took several
volumes of poetry, which he read Avith avid
ity, and conversed upon the merits of the
authors, as he returned the books, if with

102 LIFE OF DEXTER.
some singularity, certainly with no small
degree of acumen ; but after a few months
he ceased to come altogether ; when the law
yer meeting him, said in a pleasant way, " I
Avish to knoAV, friend Plummer, why you have
discontinued reading my books ; " I hope you
are not oflended Avith me." " I Avill tell you
honestly," said Plummer, " I dare not read
any more books of poetry, for the more I
read the less satisfied I am with my oAvn
composition. Once I thought I stood num
ber one as a poet, for God had inspired me,
as he once did doctor Watts, but I can't
make it go noAv, as I once did before I Avas
seduced by the heathen gods and goddesses.
I am punished for having gone astray after
idols; but I can't help saying that they are
sweet creatures ; but I must forget them, or
I shall certainly be lost." Il Avas in vain
for the young gentleman to assert that in
his opinion. Young, Milton, Cowper, and
others Avere equally inspired Avitli the good
doctor Watts; it Avould not do. On acloseex-
amination the inquirer found that " Qziarles'
Emblems" was this poet's most admired
volume, and this was presented lo him.
The subsequent Avritings of Plummer bore
evidence of his having thoroughly read the
work ; no won.der that such a wild, pious,
half crazy production of genius as that of
Quarles' should attract such a poet as Plum-

LIFE OF DEXTER. 103
mer. Indeed, it is astonishing that the work
is not held in higher estimation than it is, by
those of purer taste, for some of his figures
and illustrations border on the oriental beau
ties of the Apocalypse.
The person of Plummer Avas not of most
etherial make. His feet Avere long and
clumsy ; his legs thick, his chest broad and
strong ; his face Avas long, with a prominent
nose, Avide mouth and thick lips. He was
irascible and vindictive, and it fared sadly
with the boy he caught, Avho, to use his OAvn
peculiar phrase, attempted to make gatnut
of him. He had the vanity — and is there a
poet Avithout it? — to think that he Avas a
handsome man, and that half of the female
world Avas enamored with him ; but neither
beauty, Avealth or fame, kept the laureate
from the destiny of falling by his own will.
" Poets, alas ' must fall like those they sung,
Deaf the praised ear, and mute the tuneful tongue."
A humble stone marks the spot Avhere the
ashes of the laureate repose, but fcAV pil
grimages are made to it. Around him rest
the early settlers Avho Avere men of renown.
The Dummers, the SewaUs, &c., are there,
in their narroAv beds. The requiem that
sung them to repose had ceased ages before
the laureate came to join the aongregation of
the dead. In the same grave-yard are buri- ,
ed two poets of legitimate standing among

104 LIFE OF DEXTER.
the sons of song. William Boyd, who was
the author of a poem on Woman, and other
pieces of exquisite poetry, found a grave in
this yard, among his ancestors. His monu
ment, unlike most poets', is conspicuous. His
itaste was refined, his muse as delicate as the
Mimosa ; no easterly blast could make the
sensitive plant recede, fall and faint, sooner
than a coarse, critical remark would the
spirits of Boyd. His was no age for the re
finements of the muse. Poetry, at the time
he flourished, some forty years ago, Avas
held in slight estimation, particularly if it
Avas classical, as was every'line from the
pen of Boyd. Plummer and Boyd were
contemporaries : the latter Avas bred in the
groves of learning, and drank freely from the
pure fountains of inspiration ; the former
grew up among fishermen, clam diggers,
and lobster catchers, yet his works Avere read
by thousands where Boyd's Avere by one.
The ballad maker and death's head vender
grew rich on the sale of his trash, Avhen
the sweet and delicate bard paid for the
printing of his own poems, Avithout thinking
of sales or profits — so much depends on the
spirit of the age in giving character to men.
Robert Coffin, Avell known as the " Boston
bard," Avas b«ried in this place also. He
J wrote many things that bore the true stamp
of genius, but his existence was short, fever-

LIFE OF DEXTER. 105
ish, and but of little value to society. He
had none of the delicacy of Boyd, or the
perseverance of Plummer. As soon as he
began to reason, and feel, he quarrelled with
heaven, earth and himself, and continued
the Avarfare until life was at an end. His
Avorks Avere collected and published by him
self a few years before his death. The
fame of a writer of fugitive pieces is gener
ally lessened by a collection of them. Odes,
hymns, &c. often receive a momentary
brightness, and current reputation, from the
occasion on Avhicli they were Avritten, Avhich
is lost or greatly impaired Avhen they are
presented in a volume. Plummer was wise
enough to give only that Avhich the occasion
called forth, and never stereotyped or seldom
published a second edition. He knew the
signs of the times, and the tastes and habits
of the public. The poet laureate Avent to his
grave thinking that " his eloquence Avas
sweeter than his song." Villiers and Ber
nard, lAvo excellent actors of the old Federal
street theatre, Avere on a visit to Newbury
port, giving readings and recitations which
were very well attended. At that time
there were a goodly number in the city who
were fond of elocution. By some address
on the part of several gentleman of the place,
the actors had an interview with Plummer,
and prevailed on him to read, recite and de-

106 LIFE OF DEXTER.
claim, some of his OAvn compositions in prose
and verse. After hearing him for a long
time, they gave it as their opinion, that if
he had received proper instruction he would
have made one of the first pulpit orators of
the age, — havirig a voice strong, flexible,
and euphonious ; but Avhich Avas spoiled by
the affectation of being wonderfully pathetic.
Plummer is not the only one made ridiculous
by such affectation. The evil is a common
one in our pulpits to this day, although
there have been great improvements in pul
pit eloquence within a few years ; there is
more nature and less cant than formerly
among ecclesiastic or other orators.
The person Avho had the most influence
over Dexter of all Avho Avere near him Avas a
female African, Avhose name was Lucy Lan
caster. She Avas the daughter of an old Afri
can brought to this country when young.
He always stated that he Avas the son of a
prince, and had been taken in his first battle.
He Avas always believed by his master in
his assertions, and these Avere strengthened
by the attentions paid him by those Avho
came Avith him, young and old. On the
day of negro election, as it Avas at that time
called, in Massachusetts — meaning nothing
more than this, that by long usage, the
slaves, Avho Avere alv/ays treated Avell in that
state, were permitted to have a parade and

LIFE OF DEXTER. 107
jollification on Boston common, on the day
ofthe assembling of the general court; Cae
sar, Lucy's father, Avas generalissimo, and
had from his rank twelve footmen to run by
his side Avhile he paraded on horseback. .
His horse was ahvays one of great speed
and elegance ; for he seemed to have a pre
sumptive right to borroAv the best horse in
the town. The daughter of the prince Cae
sar was Patagonian in size, and quite heroic
in character. She was shrcAvd, Avell inform
ed, and brave as ever man or Avoman
could be. She alloAved no negro to enter
her dwelling. Her acquaintances Avere of
the first gentry. If a person Avas named
for the most unhesitating confidence it Avas
laAvyer Parson, as she Avas called by the
boys — a name they courteouly bestowed up
on her, because they thought her mind was
of a kindred order to that of the " giant of
the laAV." She endeared herself to many for
great services during an alarming period of
sickness, in 1796, when the yellow fever
raged in the tOAvn. Night and day she spared
no pains, but fearlessly, resolutely and skil
fully attended her sick friends. She had a
constitution nothing, in that day, could break
doAvn, and her judgment Avas of a superior
order ; as far above other common minds as
her strength was above that of ordinary fe
males. Dexter, finding that she lived in the

108 LIFE OF DEXTER.
upper classes of society, sent for her in some
case of sickness, and, much to his credit, she
ever afterwards kept the hold she had at
that time gained as Dexter's nurse. She
was the confidant and confessor of the Avhole
family, and, by her prudent management,
often settled quarrels or prevented them. It
Avas in vain for any member of the family to
oppose corporeal or mental power against
her, and after a while they made no resis
tance to her mandates. If Dexter loaded a
gun to shoot some one. Luce was sent for ;
if the son had a crazy fit, she must be
there ; if the daughter made an escape, as
she sometimes would do. Luce hunted her
up, and brought her back. She entered the
house when she pleased, and staid as long
as she pleased. The servants obeyed her as
mistress of the whole household. This sa
gacious woman always gave Dexter more
credit for mind than any one else ever did.
She thought that he was a very honest man
and Avould not take any advantage of his
workmen, but Avould see them paid strictly
according to contract. She thought that
his eccentricities arose in a measure from
the flow of his animal spirits. He could
not be still, and having nothing of impor
tance to occupy his mind, he fluttered
from folly to folly Avithout thinking of Avliat
he was about. She understood his charac-

LIFE OF DEXTER. 109
ter perfectly, and Avhen he Avas in one of
these restless fits, she Avould, if possible,
keep him from liquor, and advise him to
make an alteration in the garden, out houses
or fences; and as soon as his AVorkmen were
busy, he was happy until the matter Avas
finished, and this cure often was effectual
for some time. As Dexter became more
Aveak and irascible, the more she Avas wanted,
and the more good she did. There can be
no doubt but that his freaks would have
been oftener and more injurious if he had
dispensed with her services. She often
quenched the fire as it was kindling, and
shot the folly ere it flcAV. Dexter never
understood the sound maxim of prudence,
' When youdon^tknmo what to do, donHyou
do you donH know what." There is some
excuse for the man; he had no taste for
reading any thing, and probably did not pay
much attention to any thing he might have
attempted to read; he was excluded from
all society ; the common walks Avere not
paths for him, and in the higher circles he
could not travel. The pride of walking in
his garden, watching his flowers and trees,
was something, and the contemplation of
his images still more. He said of himself
that he could no more be still than a devil's-
needle, and sometimes used to say if there
was a transmigration of souls he should next

110 LIFE OF DEXTER.
appear in one, and with this train ol thought
in his mind he would suffer no one to kill
this insect. Thus his mind roved from Avhim
to Avhim, Avhich might have been kept steady,
as it Avas in early life, if he had not been
free from all anxiety for a support. This
solicitude to obtain a subsistence is the bal-
ance-Avheel in minds much stronger than
that of our subject.
Dexter continued his course of life, Avith
out any essential change of habits, until Oc
tober 26, 1806, when he quietly expired at
his palace.
" In Monday place, Sir Richard Monday died."
His life Avas a much longer one than could
have been reasonably expected of a man
given to such indulgences. One thing seem
ed lo protract his days; he drank nothing
but the purest and best of liquors. Most
inebriates grow gross in their tastes, and at
last prefer that liquor Avhich comes the near
est to the highest proof alcohol to any other.
In his last days, he Avas sensible of the
follies of his life, and was desirous of aton
ing for his errors as far as he could, by mak
ing a just disposition of the property he Avas
about to leave. He took the best of advice
and followed it. It is a singular fact, that
while most wise men's Avills are injudicious
in some features, no one ever found fault
with Dexter's. Not only his offspring, but

LIFE OF DEXTER. Ill
his collateral relations, Avere provided for in
a proper distribution of his goods and estate.
His remains Avere notalloAved to repose m
the tomb he made for himself; the Board
of Health Avould not permit his Avishes to be
carried into effect, and in this they Arere pru
dent. The grave of such a man, in such a
public place, Avould have been a nuisance
indeed. He sleeps quietly in the Hill ceme
tery, in NcAvburyport, the most numerous
congregation of the dead Avithin the precincts
of the corporation. A simple stone marks
the grave of the once ambitious fortunate,
Avhose living dreams Avere full of posthumous
glories. The Dexter house has lately been
repaired, but the garden is not kept in such
order as it Avas in the days of the second oc
cupant after the decease of the owner. Mr.
Caldwell had a taste for gardening, and did
all he could to make the grounds look Avell.
It Avill soon pass into hands desirous of re
storing its former beauty and splendor, Avith
out a particle of the frippery which once
was seen there, to the amusement of the
traveller, and to the annoyance and grief of
the neighborhood

JONATHAN PLUMBIER,
rOET LAUREATE TO LOUD DEXTEK.

(113)

114
The Poet Laureate of Lord Dexter, Avhose
name, as we have before stated, was Jona
than Plummer, Avrote a number of poems
lo the praise of his Lordship, which Avere
printed and hawked about by the author.
The folloAving Ave believe is the only one
noAv extant.
Lord Dexter is a man of fame ;
Most celebrated is his name ;
More precious far than gold that's pure.
Lord Dexter shine forevermore.
His noble house, it shines more bright
Than Lebanon's most pleasant height ;
Never was one who stepped therein
Who wanted to come out again.
His house is fill'd with sweet perfumes,
Rich furniture doth fill hia rooms j
Inside and out it is adorn'd.
And on the top an Ragle's form'd.
His house is white and trimm'd with green,
For many miles it may be seen ;
It shines as bright as any star,
The fame of it has spread afar.
Lord Dexter, tbou, whose name alone
Shines brighter than king George's throne ;
Thy name shall stand in books of fame,
And Princes shall his name proclaim.
Lord Dexter hath a coach beside.
In pomp and splendor he doth ride ;
The horses champ the silver bitt.
And throw the foam around their feet.
The images around him stand,
For they weie made by his command,

115
Looking to see Lord Dexter come,
With fixed eyes they see him home.
Four lions stand to guard the door.
With mouths wide open to devour
All enemies who dare oppose
Lord Dexter or his shady groves.
Lord Dexter, like king Solomon,
Hath gold and silver by the ton.
And bells to churches he hath given.
To worship the great king of heaven.
His mighty deeds they are so great.
He's honor'd both in church and state.
And when he comes all must give way.
To let Lord Dexter bear the sway.
When Dexter dies all things shall droop,
Lord East, Lord West, Lord North shall stoop.
And then Lord South with pomp shall come
And bear hia body to the tomb.
His tomb most charming to behold ,
A thousand sweets it doth unfold ;-
When Dexter dies shall willows weep,
And mourning friends shall fill the street.
May Washington forever stand ;
May Jefferson, by God's command.
Support the rights of all mankind,
John Adams not a whit behind.
America, with all your host,
Lord Dexter in a bumper toast ;
May he enjoy his life in peace.
And when he's dead his name not cease.
In heaven may he always leign.
For there's no sorrow, sin, nor pain ;
Unto the world I leave the rest.
For to pronounce Lord Dexter blest.

"lam the first in the east^ the first in the west., and the greatest
philosopher in the known world,''''

LORD TBIOTHY DEXTER,
WITH HIS SINGULAR DOG.

(117)

IHE MD GENIUS

LORD DEXTER

Sancho Panza never longed to be a gov
ernor more ardently than Timothy Dexter
longed to be a lord. If a real title of
nobility could have been bought with
money, the illustrious trader in Avarming-
•pans would have throAvn down the cash till
his letters patent Avere gained ; but as, un
fortunately for him, nothing of the kind in'
a legalized 'shape could be procured, our
hero hit upon the novel and ingenious ex
pedient of bestOAving the title upon himself,
and this self-conferred honor seems to have
answered his purpose quite as well as any
thing more legitimate would have done.
Everybody called him " Lord Dexter," and
he will probably continue to be knoAvn as
"Lord Dexter," as long as he is remem
bered. His other title of "King of Ches
ter," which he at one time had thoijghts of
taking, m consequence of possessing a fine
(119)

120 LIFE AND GENIUS
country seat at the town of that name in
New Hampshire, Avas not so successful.
Dexter, having thus astonished the Avorld
by his great achievements in leather-dress
ing, money-broking, land-speculating, and
castle-building, at length resolved to turn
author, and exhibit to mankind an example
of universal genius not to be easily paral
leled in the history of the human intellect.
For this purpose he took pen in hand and
wrote " A Pickle for the Knowing Ones,"
— a Avork Avhich at once placed him on the
summit of fame as a literary character, and
threAV the Avorld into a maze of Avonder
" That one small head could carry all he knew."
Dull people, indeed, could make nothing*
of it: they found fault Avith the spelling and
punctuation. But uotAvithstanding the cavils of the
ignorant and unreflecting, the Pickle was
Avell received by that portion of the com
munity lo Avhom it Avas addressed, namely
the Knowing Ones. These sagacious Avights
found in it a fund of amusement as well as
instruction, and those recondite passages
where the meaning Avas not immediately
apparent, they Avere content to take upon
trust, fully persuaded that time, that unfail
ing elucidator of hidden things, Avould bring
to light all the mysteries of Lord Timothy's

of LORD DEXTER. 121
oracular wisdom. So popular, in fact, did
the Avork become, that a second edition Avas
soon called for, and eagerly taken up. We
may add, hoAvever, that our author, Avith a
truly liberal spirit, did not hesitate to meet
the pubhc curiosity at least half Avay, by
distributing his book gratis to all Avho had
the taste to admire it.
No doubt he had good reason for adopt
ing his peculiar style of composition, Avhich,
Avhatever may be said of it, must be al-
loAved at least to possess this high merit —
that it is not servilely copied from any
author ancient or modern, but is the original
invention of the great man himself
Dexter, though he Avas an imitator in
some trifling particulars, though he bought
books Avhich he could not read, like some
other great men, yet in the main he had a
way of his oAvn, Avhich he disdained to copy
or suffer to be copied. Ho carnt his money
shreAvdly and spent it foolishly -.—others
Avho are shrewd in earning are shreAvder in
spending. In short, he was a living excep
tion to all general rules, and a living con
tradiction to all maxims of human Avisdom :
yet Ave have heard people deny him the
title of a great man !
The Avorld has been much divided on the
question as to Avhich of Dexter's exploits
was the greatest. The majority of his

122 LIFE AND GENIUS OF LORD DEXTEK.
admirers seem to incline in favor of the
warming-pan achievement : and it must be
allowed that our hero's genius shines in full
lustre in this adventure. Sending coals to
Newcastle was a deed that had been done
a hundred times, but to send warming-pans
to the West Indies Avas indeed a new thing
under the sun ! Who had ever thought of
such an attempt before 7 and how the wise
acres laughed when they heard that the
thing had been attempted by our sagacious
Lord Timothy ! But who laughed in the
end? The warming-pans found purchasers
to the great astonishment of the KnoAving
Ones of Newburyport, and our ingenious
experimenter in trade had the satisfaction
of turning the joke upon his detractors and
putting money in his pocket at the same
time. He died at Newburyport, October 26,
1806.

THE PICKLE;
FBOH THE MrSEDM OF LORD TIMOTHT DEXTEK.

Lord Dexter relates hoto he was created Lord by the
People, announces his intention of forming a
Museum of great men, that shall be the wonder y the
world, and shall confound his enemies.
Ime the first Lord in the younited States
of A mercary Noav of Newburyport it is the
voise of the peopel and I cant Help it and
so Let it gone Noav as I must be Lord there
will foUer many more Lords pretty soune
for it Dont hurt A Cat Nor the mouse Nor
the son Nor the water Nor the Eare then
goue on all is Easey Now bons broaken all
is well all in Love Now I be gin to Lay
the comer ston and the kee ston Avith grat
Remembrence of my father Jorge Washing
ton the grate herow 17 sentreys past before
Ave found so good a father to his shildren
and Now gone to Rest Noav to shoue my
Love to my father and grate Caricters I
will shoue the world one of the grate Won-
(123)

121 A pickle for
ders of the world in 15 months if noAv man
mourders me in Dors or out Dors such A
mouserum* on Earth Avill annoiice 0 Lord
thou knoAvesl to be troue fourder hear me
good Lord 1 am A goueiiig to Let or shildren
know Noav to see good Lord Avhat has bin
in the Avorld grat Avase back to OAvr fore
fathers Not old plimethl but stop to Addom
& Eave to shoue 45 figures Iavo I.cgcd and
fore Leged because Ave Cant Done Aveel
Avith out fore Legd in the first plase they
are our foude in the Next plase to make out
Dexters mouseum I Avants 4 Lions to defend
thous grat and mistry men from East to
wist from North to South Avhich Now are
at die plases Rased the Lam is Not Readey
in short meater if Agreabel I forme A good
and peasabel government on my Land in
NcAvburyport Compleat 1 taks 3 presedents
hamsher govenor all to None york and the
grate mister John Jay is one, that maks 2
in that state the king of grat britton mister
pitt lloufes king Cros over to franco Loues
the 16 and then the grate bounepartey the
grate and there segnetoure CroAV biddey — I
Command pease and the gratest brotherly
Love and Not fade be Linked to gether
Avitli that best of troue Love so as to govern
all nasions on the fass of the gloub not to
• Museum. t Plymouth.

THE KNOWING ONES. 125
tiranizc over them but to put them to order
if any Dcspout shall A Rise* as to bound-
reys or Any maturs of Importance it is Left
france and grat britton and Amacarey to be
setteled A Congress to be alhvays in france
all Despouts is to be thare settled and this
may be Dun this Avill balless poAver and
then all Avars Dun A Avay there-fore I have
the Lam to Lay Doav Avith the Lion Now
this may be Dun if thos three powers
would A geray to Lay what is called Devel
one side and Not Carry the gentelman pack
hors Any longer but shake him of as dust
on your feet and Laff at him there is
grate noise Aboute a toue Leged Creter he
says I am going to set sade black Divel
there stop he Avould scare the Avomans so
there Avould be 'No youse for the bilding, I
should have to erect sum None Avon Noav
I stop hear I puts the Devil Long Avith the
bull for he is a bulling 2 Leged Annemal
stop put him one side Near Soloman Look-

* Here the learned author makes a plunge into the
sea of political discussion. The wisdom he displays cannot
be too much admired. If the princes and potentates of the
earth would but take a fool's advice they might save them
selves the trouble of fightins. The " Pickle for the Know
ing Ones," will teach them how they may compose their dif
ferences without bloodshed. Should any one inquire who
invented Peace Societies, we can reply, " Lord Dexter." The
whole sclieme of (he " Congress of Nations" is to be found in
the lines which follow : yet we dare say, Dexter had never
read the Abbe St. Pierre.

126 A PICKLE FOR
ing Avith Soloman to Ladey venus Noav stop
wind up there is grat ods in froute I Avill
Let you knoAv the sekret houe you may see
the Devel stand on your head before a
Loucking glass and take a bibel in to your
bousum fast 40 OAvers and look in the
loucking glass, there is no Devel if you dont
see the ould fellow but I affirm you will
see that old Devel
Unto you all mankind Com to my hous
to mock and sneare Avhi ye Dont you Lafe
be fore hewn or I meane your betters think
the heir poAver Dont knoAV thorts and
Axsions Noav I will tell you good and bad
it is not pelite to Com to see Avhat the bare
Avails keep of my ground if you are gentel
men you Avould stay AAvay Avhen all is
Dun in marble Expect to goue out my selfe
to Help it thous grat men Avill send on there
Likeness all over the younited States I Avish
all the printers would send on there Like
nesses in 40 Days to Timothy Dexter I
mean I Avant the printers to give Notis if
pleases to inform by printen in the Nous-
papers for the good of the holl of man
kind 
I wans to make my Enemys grin in time
Lik A Cat over A hot pudding and goue
AAvay and hang there heads Doun Like A
Dogg bin After sheep gilty stop see I am
Afrade I Rite toue hash my peopel Com-

THE KNOWING ONES. 127
plane of backker spittel maks work to
Cleane it up  in the Avomen skouls A
bout it spit in ther hankershif or not spit A
tall I must say sumthing or I should say
Nothing there fore make sum Noise in the
Avorld Avhen I git so ouely to Nash my goms
and griyng for Avater and that is salt water
when brot A young Devel to bring it and A
Scoyer* to wate and tend on gentelmen A
black Suier his breth Smelt wos than bram
stone by far but Let the Devel goue in to
Darknes and take his due to Descare man
kind for A Littel while this Cloven foot is
seen by sum but the trap will over hall the
Devel in tim, I pittey this poore black manf
I thine his master wants purging A Littel to
har ber mr Devel A most but I did Not say
Let him Run A way good Nit mr Devel
CaryJ the SAVord and money with you tak
John mekel Jen tel man good Nit
T Dexter

Lord Dexter relates how he came to Fortune, by Specula
tions in Warming-Pans, Whalebone, Bibles, and
Government Securities.
How Did Dexter make his Money ye

* Squire.
+ / pUley this poore black man. There is the same touch of
pathos in Tristram Shandy. "The devil is damned to aU
eternity," quoth Dr. Slop. " I am sorry for it," said my uncle
Toby. t Mr. Cary was a clergyman of Newburyport, with whom
Dexter had a quarrel.

128 A PICKLE FOR
says bying Avhale bone for staing for ships
in grosing three houiidred & 40 tons — bort
all in boston salum and all in None york
under Cover oppoiily told them for my
ships they all laffed so I had at my oan
pris I had four Counning men for Rounners
thay found the home as I told them to act
the fool I Avas full of Cash I had nine tun
of silver on hand at that time — all that
time the Creaters more or less lafling it
spread very fast here is the Rub — in fifty
days thay smelt a Rat — found where it Avas
gone to Nouebry Port — spekkelaters swarm
ed like hell houns — to be short Avitli it I
made seventey five per sent— one tun and
halfe of silver on hand and over  one
more spect — Drole a Nuf — I Dreamed of
Avorming pans three nites that thay Avould
done in the Avest inges I got no more than
fortey Iavo thousand— put them in nine
vessels for difrenl ports that tuck good
hold I cleared sevinty nine per sent the
pans thay made yous of them for Coucking
— very good masser for Coukey — blessed
good in Deade missey got nise handel
Noav burn my fase the best thing I Ever
see in borne days I found I Avas very
luckky in spekkelation. I Dreamed that
the good book Avas Run Doavu in this Coun
trey nine years gone so Ioav as halfe prise
and Dull at that — the bibel I means I had

THE KNOWI.NTi ONES. 129
the Ready Cash by holl sale I bort lAvelve
per sent under halfe pris thay Cost fortey
one sents Each bibbel — twentey one thou
sand — I put them into tAventy one vessels
for the Avest inges and sent a text that all
of them must have one bibel in every familey
or if not thay Avould goue to hell — and if
thay had Dun wiked flie to the bibel and
on thare Neas and kiss the bibel three
times and look up to heaven annest for
forgivnes my Captteins all had Compleat
orders  here Coms the good luck I made
one hundred per sent «fc littel over then I
found I had made money anuf I hant speck
alated sence old time by government se-
courities I made or cleared forty seven
thousands Dolors — that is the old afare
Now I toald the all the sekrett Noav be
still let me A lone Dont wonder Noe
more houe I got my money boaz

Lord Dexter informs the whole World of the Improve
ments made and contemplated, about his Palace :
describes his Tomb, <^c.
To mankind at Large the time is Com at
Last the grat day of Regoising what is that
whye I will tell you thous three kings* is
* TTurus three kings, are the three Presidents which Deiter
placed on the Royal Arch in front of his house. They stand
9

130 A PICKLE FOR
Rased Rased you meane shoued know
Rased on the first Royel Arch in the world
olmost Not quite but very IiIav up upon so
thay are good mark to be scene so the wo-
mans Lik to see the frount and all peopel
Loves to see them as the quakers Avill Com
and peape slyly and say houe the done frind
father Jorge Avasheton is in the sen ter king
Addoms at the Rite hand the present king
at the Left hand father gorge with his hat
on the other hats of the middel king with
his sword king Addoms with his Cane in a
grand poster Adtetoude turning his fass to
Avards the first king as if thay Avas on sum
politicks king our present king he is stands
hearng being yonger and very deafe in
short being one grat felosfer Looks Avell
East & Avest and North &, south deafe &
very deafe the god of Nater has dun very
much for our present king and all our former
ones thay are all good I Avant them to Live
for Ever and I beleave thay Avill it is hard
Avork to be A king — I say it is harder then
tilling the ground I knoAv it is for I find it is
hard Avork to be A Lord I dont desier the
sound but lo pleas the peopel at Large Let
it gou to brak the way it dus for A sort
ment* to help a good Lafe lo Cour the sick
there still, AVashington in a cocked hat, and " king Addoms'
and the " grat felosfer" Jefferson, uncovered.
* it dus far a sort ment. It does for an assortment. This

THE KNOWING ONES. 131
spleney goutey dul frames Lik my selfe
with the goute and so on make merry a
Chealy Christon is for me only to be onnest
No matter Avhat thay Avorshep son monne
or stars or there Avife or miss if onnest Live
for Ever money Avont gitt thous figers* so
fast as I Avish 1 have senc to Leg horn for
many mr bourrf is one Amonks many
others I sent in the grand Crecham thous 3
kings Are plane Avliite Leead colow at
present the Royal Arch & figers cost 39
pound Avate silver the hiest Councaton
order in the Avorld so it is sade by the know
ing ones I have only 4 Lions & 1 Lam up
the spread Eagelf has bin up 3 years upon
the Coupalay I have 13 billors front in strat
Row for 13 states Avhen we begun 3 in the
Rear 15 foot hie 4 more on the grass see 2
the same hath at the Rite of the grand Arch
2 at the left Aving 15 foot hie the Arch 17
foot hie the my hous is 3 sorey upAvards of
290 feet Round the hous Nater has formed
the ground Eaquel to Avhat you Avould wish

seems to have been a cant phrase with our author, and much
in keeping with his character, smacking so strongly of thj
shop. We find in a subsequent page, " A sort ment is good
in a shop."
* llwus figers. Those figures, his statues, which ths
sculptor could not carve with a dj^patch equal to Dexter's
impatience. T mr bourr. Aaron Burr.
X ihe spread Eaget. The spread eagle was placed on top
of the cupola, where it served the purpose of a weather-vane.

132 A PICKLE FOR
for the Art by man Eaquel to a Solomun the
onerbel Jonathan Jackson one of the first in
this Country for last borne a grat man by
Nater then the best of Lurning Avhat sot me
fored* for my plan having so gran spot the
hool of the AVord Cant Excead this to thous
that dont know would think I was Like
halfe the world a Lier I have traveled, good
deale but old steady men sayeth it is the
first that it is the first best in this Contry
& others Contrey I tell you this the trouth
that None of you all great men needent be
A frunted at my preseadens & I spare Now
Cost in the Avork I have the tempel of Rea
son in my garding 3 years past Avith a toume
under it on the Eage of the grass see it cost
98 gineys besids the Coffen panted whit in
side & out side touched with green Nobel
trimings uncommon Lock so I can tak the
kee in side and have fier works in the
toume pipes & tobacker & A speaking
trumpet and a bibel to read & sum good
songs What is presedent answer A king bonne
parley th» gratf has as much power as A
* sot me/bred. Set me forward.
t bonne partey the grot. Our author here makes a desperate
grapple with the knotty question of politics which convulsed
then, as it does now every quarter oi the country. " Bonne
partey the grat" was not yet Emperor of the French, yet the
sagacity of Lord Timothy could discover that he had " as
much power as Any king for grate ways back." The whole
of this paragraph may be read with special edification. Our
author disposes of the matter with Ihe decision if not the

THE KNOWING ONES. 133
king and ort to have & it is a massey he
has for the good of mankind he has as much
poAver as Any king for grat ways back there
must be A head sum whare or the peopel is
Lost Lik wild gees when they Lous the
head gander two Leged wants A head
if fore Leged both & 2 Leged fouls the
Narne of presedent is to please the peopel at
Large the sound souts best Noav in the
south give way the North the North give
way to the south or by «fc by you will brake
what falers* be wise or keep the Links to
gether and if you cant A gree Consoalatedf
to a kingly power for you must keep to
gether at the wost hear it Labers ye les see
there is so many men Avants be the all
offeserst & Noav sogers poor king Every
day wants A bone sum more then other the
king cant Live Avithout the feald wee have
had our turne grat good father Addoms
turne & turne A bout Rest Easey you all
will be pleased ,with the present king give
time all did I say Now but the magor part
fore fifths at least
Timothy Dexter
profundity uf a Machiavel. The allusion to the " head eander"
wilt be thought particularly applicable at the present day.
¦"falers. Fellows.
t Consolidated.
t so ¦many -men wants to be the alt qffesers. Office hunting,
then, appears to have been prevalent in our author's day ag
well as at the present moment. Alas ! there is nothing neir
under tbe sun!

134 A PICKLE FOR
Lord Dexter depicts the evil results of making Iioo
Thwns of One; advises against Office-Seeking and
College-Learning. Friends hear me 2 granadears* goss up
in 20 days fourder friends I Avill tell the A
tipe of man kind Avhat is that 35 or 36 years
gone A toAvn caled Noubryf all Avon the
Younited states Noubry peopel kept to
gether quiet till the Lamed groed strong
the the farmers was 12 out of 20 thay
Avanted to have the oifesers in the Contrey
the Larned in the See port wanted lo have
them there geering A Rose groued worme
file thay wood in Law thay Avent the Jnrel
Cort lo be sot of finely thay got there Eands
Answered the see port caled Newbury Port
6U0 Eakers of Land out of thirty thousand
Eakers of good Land so much for mad
peopel of Laming makes them mad if thay
had kept to gether thay AVOod have bin the
sekent toAvn in this slat A bout halfe of
boston Noav men mad to be in offess it hurts
the peopel at Large Like Carying the In-
* 2 granadears. These were gigantic fellows carved in wood
that stood sentry with enormous muskets in part of Dexter's
yard. t A town cated Noubry. Our author here gives us the his
tory of the separation of Newburyport from Newbury, when
the inhabitants ofthe " water-side" with 600 acres of territory
out of 30^000 obtained an act of incorporation as a distinct
town, or m the language of the learned Dexter, " went to the
Jnrel Cort to be sot of," i. e. went to tbe General Court to bs
set off.

THE KNOWING ONES. 135
negent* Lam to slarter Now it Avould doue
to dewide the North from the south all won
Avhat I have Leade down but Now keep to
gether it is Like man and wife in troue
Love Now guving death in the grander you
will sous the glory I say keep to gether
dont brak the Chane Renoue brotherle Love
Never fade Like my box in my garding be
one grat familey give Avay to one A Nother
thous changes is the tide hie warter & Loue
warier hie tids & Loue tids for my part I
have Liked all the kings all three all our
broken marchantsf cant have heaths of
proffett goue and till the ground goue to
work is 'all that has bin to Coleage goue
with slipers and promis to'pay and Never
pay only Avith A Lye I gess 4 fifths is
Coleage Lant or devel Lant or pretended to
be onnest free masione but are to the Contry
forgive me for gessing I hope it is Not so
the Leaned is for LoovsJ & Littel fishes
moses Avas but a man and Aaron thay had
sum devel Like my selfe man is the same
give him power I say the Cloak Cukement
maters the wost of cheats we hant got any

* Innocent.
t broken marchants. What I were there broken merchants
too, in those days ? Alas 1 for the good old times I We have
strong misgivings that they were not a great deal better than
the present, for we shall find in the next line a complaint of
" promis to pay and Never pay only with A Lye."
t Loaves.

136 A PICKLE FOR
N Port wee are Noted to be the first in the
North sabed Day is Not half A Nuf* Night
meatans it maks work for the Docters and
Nuses Coaching Could but them that Lives
breed fast to mak up for them that dies poor
creaters I pittey them so preast Riden it is
Avickard to leave poor sols in to the grave
all our ministere are imported Very good men
foull of pie house Love I kep them A mit
Amen at present

Magnanimity of Lord Dexter.
The yong man that doth most all my
Carving his Avork is much Liked by our
grat men I felt founneyf one day I thort I
Avould ask sade young man whare he was
bonej he sade Now Avhare what is all that
Noav Avhare was your mother over shaded
I says my mother was if I was to gess No
I tell in Now toAvn borne o on the Avaler I
says you beat me and so wee Lafed and it
shuk of the spleane^ shoue him A Crows
"' sabed bay is Not half A Nuf, i. e. Sabbath day is not
half enough. A bit at the ultra devotion of the people of
Newburyport, who have long been noted for their disposition
to make more than one " sabed day," out of seven, as well as
for their attachment to " Night meatens."
t Funny.
t Born.
9 10 wee Lafed and it shuk of the spleane. This laughing

the KNOWING ONES. 137
Neast he can carve oue A fine felloAV — I
shold had all marbel if any bodey could to
me the prise so I have sent for 8 busts for
kings and grat men and 1 Lion & 2 gray
hounds I hope to hear in foue* Days to all
onnest men Timothy Dexter

Lord Dexter''s Dissertation on Man.
mister printter I must gou sum fouderf I
have got one good pen my fortin has bin
hard very hard that is I have had hard
Noks on my head 4 difrenl times from a boy
to this Day tAvice taken up for dead two
beatings Avas a LaAvyer then he put me
blind 7 days 2 tockters he Avas mad be Case
the peopel at Large Declared me Lord
Dexter king of Chester this at my Contrey
sect 26 mils from N Port my plase there is
the fist from soil water to Canedey  this
LaAvyer that broused me was Judg Live-
more son Arther the same Creator borid
200 dolors sum monts be fore this & then
Oaded me he beat his bene factter it has bin

to shake off the spleen, fully corroborates what our philos
opher says in a preceding page, that he found it " hard work
to be A Lord." A humiliating confession, but which shows
tha magnanimity of Lord Timothy. Greatness, it seems,
did not make him happy I
* Few. t Further.

138 A PICKLE FOR
my Luck to be yoused ten times wos by
them I doue the most for I have Lost first
and Last as much as a tun of silver grose
my Avifc that Avas had 400 wut of silver
Abraham bishup that maried my dafter ten
years gone him & shee sence then & my
son Samuel L Dexter upAvards seventeene
thousands Dolors the Rest by hamsher Col
by Rougs* has gokbeyf handed preasts Dea-
kens gruntters Avhirhers Every foue minuets
A sithj or A groune I thinks sum times the
saving solt & smoak & soil peater will in
time be very dear if it is yous the more
smoak or the preasts Avill be out of Avork
Littel Like sister france I Lade out a blan
to have holerdays one Day in ten 24 years
gone I thort it Avould save the Natision great
deale of money sir in one sentrey then the
presls wood have time to studdery then
hamer doAvn smartly make the sniffer smoak
in their Nostels under the Cloak of pie eatty
the hipecricks Cloven foots thay Doue it to
git power to Lie and Not be mistrusted all
wars mostly by the suf the broken marchents
are fond of Avar for they hant Nothing to
Lous & the minesters in all wars the Case o
god Leave the Divel out Avhen it is all Divel
If you can bare the trouth I Avill tell the
trouth man is the best Annemal and the
•f Rogues. t Jockey. J Sigh.

THE KNOWING ONES. 139
Avorst all men are more or Less the Divel
but there is sit of ods* sum halfe sum three
quarters the other part of beast of Difrent
kind of beasts sum one thing and sum a
Nother sum Like a Dog sum Lik horses sum
bare s Cat sum Lion sum lik ouls sum a
monkey sum Avild Cat sum Lam sum a
Dove sum a hogg sum a oxe sum a snake I
want Deseponsf to be Dun A way but they
wont Never be as Long as prist Riden Avhat
Doue the preast preach to the Divel for all
there hearaesj old and youn more or Less
the Divel I Liked to sade so Divel preaches
to Divels Rebouking sin keep it up up sayeth
the hipacrits mockers of god habits an Cos-
tom is the ods ods make the difference I sees
god in all plases the god of Nater in all
things Avee Live and move in god he is the
god of Nateer all Nater is god take one Elle-
ment from us one of the fore take the fier
or the Avater or or Eare or Earth Avee are
gone so Avee Live in god Noav Less us all be
good children doue all things Rite the strong
must bare the Infremiteys of the wicked
shildren keep up tite LaAvs DraAV the Ranes
Littel harder stop tlieavs as fast as you can
bad trade sheuuing Nine Numbers Avas Rot^
in 23 OAvers when I had hold of the pen five
houres & 35 minuets A sort ment A sort
ment is good in A shop 
"' sU of ods, a sight of odds. t Deceptions.
t Hearers. § Wrote.

140 A PICKLE FOR
the preasts fixes there goods six days
when the open shop on Sundays to sell there
goods sum sets them of better than others
bolerhed when a man is so Aveek he Avont
doue for a LaAvyer mak a preast of him for
Aveek thing to goue Avith week things the
blind to Lead the blind so that they may
fall into one Dich and so they goue throne
the Avorld darkiness but foue peopel have A
pinon of there one Not one in lAventy as to
this world goods and so it is as lo the other
Avorld to Inquire the way goue to a fryer
our peopel a bout the same only call it
sumthing Else in Rum* of a king call it
presedent but preasts have money to save
sols I Avant to know Avhat a sole is I wish to
see one Not a gizard I thinks the sole is the
thinking part there is grat minds & Littel
minds grat sols & Littel sols great minus &
littel minds According to the hevdey boddeys
that has the poAver of our boddeys the same
mother and the same father and six children
hoAv thay will differ in Looks complexions
and axons sum for grat thing sum for littel
thing sumthing Nouw I say I say my figers
will pay Intress moneyf prove it first going
* Room.
+ my figers will pay Intress money. He means to say his
statues will pay him for their cost by bringing strangers to
Newburyport to look at them ; thus increasing the toll over
Essex Merrimack Bridge, where Dexter was a large Stock-
bolder, and raising the rent of his houses.

THE "knowing ones. 141
over my brige sum more tole then helping the
markett of the town Leeting hoses tavern
keepers costom the honnor of the town &
my selfe Timothy Dexter
one thing fourder I have bin convarled
upAvards 30 years quite Ressned* for the
day the grat day I Avish the preast Node as
much as I think I doue there harts would
Leap up to glory to be so Reader for the
time of Regoicing to goue to be maried to
what a fine widow with her Lamp bouming
the Lamps trimmed Avith glorey the shaking
quickers after they git convarted and thare
sins washed A Avay they stay at home <k
Let thous go unclene and so it is much so
with me I stay at home praying for theavs
and Rougs to be saved Day and Night pray
ing for siners poour creaters my hous keeper
is in the dark wos then badf Crasey to be
saved shee says shee has sind A gainst the
holey gost I have Asked her Avhat is shee
says it is sumthing but cant find out way
sends for the preast coms what is the mater
gost gost Dear sir & the minester makes a
prayer the gost went of mostly not all part
strayed behind shee has bin crasey Ever
sence the preast cant Lay the serpent houe
many Nick Names three things have so say
eth the preacher Amen Amen see fath I du
* Resigned. ^ Worse than bad.

142 A PICKLE FOR
Lord Dexter against Colleges and Priests.
NouE mister printer sir I was at Noue
haven 7 years and seven monts past at com
mencement Degress on 40 boys Avas tuck
degrees to doue good or Not good the old
man Avith the hat on told them to sueday
houeman Nater* walk as A band of broth
ers from that time to this day I thort that
all thous that Avas brot up to Coleage the
meaning Avas to git there Liveing out of the
Labeer If the Coleages Avas to conliner one
sentry and keep up the game reckon the cost
of all from there cradel to 22 years old all
there fathers and gurdEandsf to Lav out
one houndred years intress upon intress gess
at it & cast it see houe many houndred
thousand millions of Dolors it would com to
to make Rougs and thieves to plunder the
Laboring man that sAveats lo get his bread
good common Laning is the best sum good
books is best well under stoud be onnest
dont be preast Riden it is a cheat all be
onnest in all things Now feare Let this
goue as you find it my Avay speling houe is
the strangest man T Dexter
fourder mister printer for a minister to git
the tone is a grat pint when I lived in ham
sher one Noue Lit babstisj babler sobed A
'* Study human nature. t Guaidiaos.
(New Light Baptist.

the knowing ones. 143
way just fineshing his sermon he says o
good lord I hop you Avill consider Avhat foue
hints I have given and I Avill cleare it up
sum time hence I am much Avore doAvn Now
the Avether being very Avorme to day Less
bray* & so Avent on fire fire & brimstone &
grunting & sithuig and tryed to cry 60 snufel
& bloAV the sconks home and sum the old
fouls & yong fouls sot to crying I tuck my
hat and Avent out houe mankind and wo
man kind is in posed upon all over the world
more or less by preast craft o for shame o
for shame I pittey them be onnest doue as
you Avoiild Avish others to doue unto you in
all things Noav fear of Death, A men TD'k
fourder what diff'rent avous we have of
this Avorld & the other world two good wo
men Lived in a tOAvn whare I once lived
one was sick of a consumsion Near Death
both belonged to the Church very onnest
only the Avell woman was weak in wous (fc
thing says unto the sik woman I thinks you
Avill see my housbon doue tell him I and my
son A greus very well and Avee are all well
and the soav is piged and got seaven pritty
pi^s and fare you well sister this I belieave
is sorting troue & so fare the well — I shall
com A gane in Littel while
***** '*' Let us pray.

144 A PICKLE FOR
QuizoTANA : Lord Dexter's Pugilism — Rencontre with
a Lawyer — the Peer suffers ignoTninious Defeat.
This Cometh Greeting, mister printers
the Igrenl* or the NoAving wons says I ort
to Doue as thay Doue to keep up Cheats or
the same thing Desephonsf to Deseave the
Igrent so Avee may Cheat and LikcAvise have
wars and plunder my wish is all Liers may
have there part of fier and brimstone in this
world or least sum part part of it or Else the
gouement is Not good it will want pourging
soone if a LaAvyer is to way Lay a man an
brouse him unmassely All most to Death A
sitteson that pays tAventey fore Dolors for
Careags and more than one Dolor A Aveek to
ment the hiways and my being Libperel is
in part of this bloddey Afare No sauage
would beat a man as I was beaten almost to
Death I Did not know houe these men
Came to keep sade LaAvyer from quit kiling
of me till sum time After three men saw the
Axon of the blodey scene without massay
and carried sade Dexter in lo the house sun
fainting or Neare to it se and behold the
olful site bleading and blind of one Eye
twoue brousings in two hours at Least Now
LaAvs in this part of the Avorld Noav part of
the Avorld A man of money to Live those I
lend money to sind A LaAvyer and others
*' Ignorant. t Deceptions.

the knowing ones. 145
thay youse me the Avost it maks Inemye
then those Rogs if there is Any that call me
A foull and pick A Qualrel with me A bout
my Nous papers so as to pay the Lawyer
Craft to make up the molton Calf Not an Ox
Noav the town of Chester has Lost two
hundred wate of silver at Least I beleuv
more money Noav thay may have me in the
tOAvn or A LaAvyer Chouse for yourselves
my frinds and feloAV mortals pease be with
you All A men selagh finely brethren sum
thing more Coming  Timothy Dexter.
Chester Sopt the 29 1796

Lord Dexter discourses very learnedly on Bridges ; ar
rives to the conclusion that Newburyport will double
its population in thirty years, and ends with a splendid
donation to the town to be remembered in his will.
I SAY to houme in may consame Now to
our Rulers for a hearing in the first plase
Dexter and others consarned in the first
brigge on the merremak* it has payed to
the town of N Port and Cuntry at large

'*' This chapter is taken up with the " bridge question,"
which related to the three bridges over the Merrimack, name
ly, Essex Merrimack Bridge, which our author sometimes
calls " Dexters Brigg," the bridge at Haverhill, and the Rocka
Bridge, between tlieste two.
10

146 A PICKLE FOR
tiyenty per sent, one thirde to each party,
the owners one thirde of twenty per sent.
This is worrey of prase sense this brigge
was finished Iavo more briges has been done
over A hove on the same River, the Rocks
brige is a wast of money and Labor if
there was no Rocks brigg the havrel brigg
would barly pay the undertakers in bilding
sade brigg Now no onnest men can burne at
the hart with gruging the proffets of any
one of thous brigges. The Rocks brigg is
most dun the money is Lost havvrel barly
pays the way Avhen the Rocks brigg is Dun
and Noav more Dexters brigg and others
oners doue but have half so much Intrest as
bankers the Repars & & & so on has bin
grate to finish the Repars back and fored lo
next ougest is five thousand dolars in nine
or ten years or there A bouts and you all
knoAV how money has been sum part of the
time very bad in worth
the town of N Port is likely to grow in
thirty years to Doubel be twelve thousand
peopel three thousand A hove this brigg
talked of
No 2 further please your honours there is
A bout Eight hundred Rodd in lenth to the
Deare Oilen* brigg & one hundred Rod in
weth to bring it square Nobel house Lolls
Number of bilding yards up to this Deare
* Deer Island, at Essex Merrimack Bridge.

the knowing ones. 147
Oilen Brigg and many plases for warfes
Nater has formed N Port and part of Noubry
as well for pease and war all together as
well as the Lord would wish to have it and
noAv lett us be wise in proving in proving it
in pease and godly love Not gruging one
Another if sixty three oners was now as at
first in Dear oilen brigg this hart burning
Avodent be sot on fier Noav but twenty five
oners such and such passons feels hurt pre
tending there is toue much profets to Dexter
in petickler he has twelve per sent grate
mestake they chouse to Lye to hurt me
becose it is the most of tny bread the best
Anker to my ship I have bought at fifty
Eounds A share in twelve monts past, people
as offen asked me why I did not bye the
holl I have oflfen told them mankind was
mankind it wod not dou nor wod it dou for
a foue people to hold all the public seccoure-
teys for mankind Avas so much of what wee
Call the Devel or Rouring Lions or wouls.
No 3 fouder there is plenty of Complant
of the difficulty of pasing those briges Now
as it is troue if those giddy people have
Liberty to bould A brigg it wont pay but
three or four per sent at most then they
must have one halfe the passing of my brigg
as I call it A mad bisness Now as for A
turn pik from Newbrey brige to Epsswith*
4 * Ipswich.

148 A pickle for
is not bad it may doue middling well six
one way half a Dozen tother way & from
Epsswith to beble* brigg and so on to Boston
Amen or from Dexters brige to mouldenf
brigg or Reather to Noue boston brigg it may
have its Avate as much as Ever Avee ant
Ripe for so many grate things wate seven
years Longer time
I say wate twelve years before you have
Any more briges within four miles of mere-
mack brigg I have il in conlemplasion to
give twenty five shares to the town of N
Port to be kept al there expence in Repars
the Incom for mending streets in the town
of N Port for that sole yous to be fixed in
my last will — well Dun I meane this After
12 years for the town of N Port to hav
twenty five shars from march first day one
thousand Eigh hundred and two to be in
foull forse and power greeting I ones one
hundred ten shars there is two hundred in
the holl the the first Cost and Repars is A
bout forty thousand and seven hundred
Dollars 1 am a frind to all onnest men
Timothy Dexter
? Beverly. t Maiden.

the KNOWING ONES. 149
NOW WONDER*
T. Dexter says four things — Wants good
judgment to live in the Avorld, in giving and
le7iding, trusting and borrowing. For I
begin to see I have already given my Avife,
that was, and my son Samuel L. Dexter,
and B****p, more than ten thousand dol
lars, in tAvo years, and neither of them thank
me. Now to all men that OAves me, be so
kind to themselves and me, as to pay me, in a
short time, or else call and pay squire Brad
bury's son the lawyer in Newburyport, Avith
out further trouble and cost.
Timothy Dexter.

[For the Impartial Herald.]
Messrs. Blunt and March — I say to whom
it may concern — to the majesty of the people
of NcAvburyport, Greeting —
It costs eight hundred dollars a year to
support a watch in this town, and yet
gentlemen's windows are broken, fences
pulled doAvn and Cellars broken open, and
much other misdemeanors done at night.
Are the watch asleep, or are they afraid to
detect those who are guilty of such practices?
Boast not of it, if you call this Liberty and
? This piece and the following were advertisements, pub
lished originally in the Impartial Herald, at Newburyport.
'Tho speUing and punctuation are evidently none of^ oiu
author's.

150 A pickle foe
Equality. Newburyport has had the narae
of being a very civil worthy place ; it is a
great pity some bad boys or young men
should disgrace it. I hope our worthy and
honorable rulers will bring those rude lads
to see themselves, and lick the dust like
serpents, and ask forgiveness of their betters,
and do so no more, but repent and live.
. Now felloAV citizens is it wisdom, is it
policy, to use a man or men so shocking bad
as to oblige them lo leave the loAvn where
they paid one Dollar a day to support
government 1
A friend to good order, honor to whom it
belongs, lo great men a friend — to all good
citizens and honest men good bye.

Whereas many philosophers has judged
or guessed at many things about the world,
and so on Now I suppose I may guess as it
is guessing times. I guess the world is one
very large living creature, and always was
and always will be without any end from
everlasting to everlasting, and no end. What
grows on this large creature is trees and
many other things. In the room of hair the
rocks is moulds. This is called land where
the hair grows, the belly the sea — all kinds
of fish is the worms in the belly. This large
body wants dressing to gel our living of this
creature and by industry Ave get a living —

the KNOWING ONES. 151
We and all the animal creation is less than
fleas in comparison on the back or belly of
this very large immense body. Among the
hairs to work on this great body is that of
Nature, past finding out. All we know is
we are here, we come into the world crying
and gone out groaning. Mankind is the mas
ter beast on the earth — in the sea, the whale
is the head fish — the great fish eat up the
little ones, and so men not only destroy one
another, but they are master over the whole
of beasts and fish, even over a lion, therefore
men is the masterly beast, and the worst of
the whole — they know the most and act the
worst according to what they know. Seeing
mankind so bad by nature, I think when
the candle goes out, men and women is
done, they will lay as dirt or rocks till the
great gun fires, and when that goes off"
the gun will be so large that the gun will
contain nine hundred million tons of the
best of good powder, then that will shake
and bring all the bones together, then the
world will be to an end. All kind of music
will be going on, funding systems will be
laid aside, the melody will be very great.
Now Avhy can't you all believe the above
written as well as many other things to be
true, as well as what was set forth in the
last Centinel concerning digging up a frog^
twenty feet below the surface, where it was^
most as hard as a rock — there was his shape-

152 A PICKLE, ETC.
like taking a stone out of a rock. This is
from a minister. Now why wont you be
lieve me as well.

APPENDIX.
The follering peases are not my Riling
but very drole Timothy Dexter
[Here follow, in the original edition, a few pages apparently
made up of extracts from the newspapers of the day ; but as
their merits in point of originality, although " very drole,"
are not equal to the drollery of Lord Timothy himself) we have
thought it best to omit them.]

[Note to Dexter's Second Edition.]
fonder mister printer the Nowing ones
complane of my book the fust edition had
no stops I put in A Nuf here and thay may
peper and solt it as they plese
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DEXTER'S LAST WILL AND TESTAMENT.

M the name of God, Amen, — I, TIMOTHY
DEXTER, of Newburyport, in the County of Essex,
being of a sound and perfect mind and memory, do
make and publish this my last will and testament, in
manner following, viz.
Imprimis. I give and bequeath unto my Avife, Eliza
beth Dexter, fifty dollars, in addition to two thousand
pounds that I have already given her.
Item. I give unto my son, Samuel Lord Dexter,
three thousand dollars, to be paid him by my execu
tors, in twelve months after my decease. Also, the
improvement of fifty shares in Essex Merrimack
Bridge during his natural life ; and in case he should
leave any heir of his body lawfully begotten, my Will
is, that the said fifty shares be equally divided between
them ; but if he shoidd die without such heirs, my Will
(164)

dexter's WILL. 155
is, that tho said fifty shares be divided between my
brothers, Nathan Dexter and John Dexter, as follows,
viz. ; three fourth parta thereof to said Nathan, and
one fourth part to said John, and their heirs and as
signs forever.
Item. I give unto my daughter, Nancy Bishop, wife
of Abraham Bishop, two thousand dollars, to be paid
her by my executors, in twelve months after my de
cease : also, the improvement of thirty shares in Essex
Merrimack Bridge, during her natural life, and at her
decease, to be equally divided between her heirs.
Item. I give unto my grand-daughter, Nancy Bish
op, one thousand dollars, to be paid her by my execu
tors, when she shall arrive at the age of twenty-one
years ; but if she doth not live to the age of twenty-
one years, that then said money to be given to my
brotber, Nathan Dexter, and his heirs.
Item. I give unto my brother, Nathan Dexter, ten
shares in Essex Merrimack Bridge, to him and his
heirs forever.
Item. I give unto my brother, John Dexter, two
shares in Essex Merrimack Bridge, to him and his
heirs forever.
Item. I give unto Edmund Plummer, son of Samuel

156 DEXTER'S WILL.
Plummer, two shares iu Essex Merrimack Bridge, to
him and hia heirs, forever.
Item. I give unto John Tracy, son of John Tracy,
Esq., two shares in Essex Meri-imack Bridge, if he
should live to the age of twenty-one years; if he should
not, my Will is, that said shares be equally divided be
tween his sisters.
Item. I give unto Joseph Somerby, schoolmaster,
two shares in Essex Merrimack Bridge, to him and
his heirs ; also, my best silver Can, my turtle-shell
pinchbeck Watch, three of my best silver Spoons, and
one pair of gold Sleeve-Buttons.
Item. I give unto the town of Maiden, three hun
dred dollars, to be laid out to purchase a bell for the
Meeting-IIouse ; also, two thousand dollars, to be put
at interest for 100 years, and the interest to be appro
priated annually for the support of the gospel in said
town of Maiden.
Item. I give unto the town of Newburyport, two
thousand dollars, to be put at interest by the over
seers, and the interest to be given to such of the poor
of the town as the overseers may think most necessi
tous, who are not in the work-house, annually.
Item. I give unto my son, Samuel Lord Dexter, and

dexter's will. 157
my daughter, Nancy Bishop, all the rest and remain
der of my estate, both real and personal, to them and
their heirs ; but if the said Samuel and Nancy should
die without heirs, then my will is, that the same be
divided between my two brothers and their heirs.
Lastly. I constitute and appoint Deacon Enoch Tit-
comb and Nathan Hoyt, both of Newburyport, to be
my sole Executors to execute this my last Will and
Testament ; and I order my Executors to pay all my
just debts and funeral expenses, and all the legacies
that I have bequeathed ; and I do hereby revoke all
former and other Wills by me heretofore made, this
only to remain in force. In witness whereof, 1 have
hereunto set my hand and seal, the first day of March,
in the year of our Lord, 1799.
TIMOTHY DEXTER, (l. s.)
Signed, sealed, and declared by the Testator, to be his
last Will and Testament, in presence of us, who,
in his presence, have subscribed our names aa
witnesses. Caleb Sticknbt,
Joshua Davis,
Sam DEL Plummeb.

A
PICTURE OF THE MAIVSIOIV,
WITH THE
IMAGES AS THEY STOOD,
INSCRIPTIONS ATTACHED, Sec,
Has been published. Size of Plate,
15 X 24, and will be carefully put up
on a roller, and sent, post paid, to any
address, on receipt of price, —
FIFTY CENTS.

published bt
J. E. TILTON & CO.,
AND
STATIONERS,
161 WASHINGTON STREET,
BOSTON.
(158)

This preservation copy
was printed and bound at
Bridgeport National Bindery, Inc.,
in compliance with U.S. copyright law.
The paper used meets the requirements
of ANSI/NISO Z39.48-1992
(Permanence of Paper).
R s D c
@ 1999

3 9002

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