tlf. 888

^mofM^

i)

LIGHTS AND SHADOWS

MELBOURNE LIFE

LIGHTS AND SHADOWS

OF

MELBOUENE LIFE

JOHN FEEEMAN.

LONDON:
SAMPSON LOW, MAESTON, SEAELE, & EIVINGTON,
LIMITMD,
St. gwistsn's P0US.C,
Fettee Lane, Fleet Steeet, E.C.
1888.
I [Ml rights reserved.^

LONDON :
PRINTED BY -WILLIAM CLOWES AND SONS, LIMITED,
ST,iHFOKD STREET AND OHAKIHO CIWSS.
,: Elf. J? 8*

\ A )•

CONTENTS.

PAGE

Introduction ... . .

. Tii

Melbourne in '88 .

1

What -we hate in oue midst

. 14

The Padding Kens ....

. 25

The Police Courts ....

. 36

Publicans and Sinnees ....

. 46

The Kaoes 

. 54

The Zoo 

. 62

The Theatres ... . .

. 69

The Block . . . . .

78

The Elite ...

. 86

The Markets

. 94

Eestaueants

. 104

Boarding Houses . ....

. Ill

Churoues .....

. 117

The Melbourne Peripatetics

. 120

Beggars 

. 122

Match-sellers ....

. 134

Costeemongebs 

. ,. 143

News-runners . . . . .

. 150

FiSH-HAWKERS

. 158

Gatherers . . . . . - .

. 166

Otstermen . . . .

. 177

The Flting Stationer 

183

The TEATELLrtTG Deapi^

191

Street Musicians . . .

. 198

Tinkers 

206

Watercress Men .

. 213

The Periwinkle Man .

. 221

Clothes-prop Vendoes .

. 230

Chimne-t S-weeps 

. 237

Sa-stelot-maohine Men 

. 247

\ \&-

INTRODUCTION.

While the Melbourne Cefitennial International Exhibition
of '88 commemorates the foundation of our nation, and
sho-ws the -world ho-w Australia stands at the end of her
first century, this book 'treats only of Melbourne, the
capital of Victoria — of its institutions, and the manners
and customs of its people.
Fifty-three years ago Melbourne -was founded, and in
that short space of time — for half a century is not much
in the life of a nation — it has developed in a manner few-
cities have ever done in the same tipie before. From a
few wattle-and-dab huts and weather-board shanties has
risen the magnificent city to which we are all so proud to
belong. As the visitor passes through its broad streets, he will
marvel at its stately buildings and manifold signs of
prosperity. He will notice the well-to-do look of the
people he meets ; he will admire the grace and de
meanour of the women, and the manly, independent
bearing of the men.
Let him now turn down one of the arteries leading
from the broad streets to the little ones at the back, and
he -will see that although we have so much to rejoice in,
we have also something to deplore. He wiU find that
Melbourne has its shadows as well as its bright spots,

viii Introduction:
its hovels as well as palaces, low life as well as high,
and abject poverty side by side with boundless -wealth.
Some of these papers have already appeared^ ia the
Melbourne daily journals, for which I wrote them some
time ago ; but that should be no drawback to this book,
foi: what is worth reading once may be read with profit
twice, and those who have not read them -will, on their
perusal, be all the better for an insight into the inner life
of Melbourne. John Feeeman.
Melbourne,

\

LIGHTS AND SHADOWS
OF
MELBOUENE LIFE.

MELBOUENE IN '88.
If some of the old inhabitants of Melbourne who departed
this life in the " forties " could leave their neglected graves
in the old cemetery, and take a stroll round their former
haunts, they would fancy thej' had made a mistake, and
come to the wrong place ; for they would never recognise
in the Melbourne of to-day the disjointed city of that name
they left behind them.
Although this book treats of Melbourne as it is at the
present time, a glance at its early history may not be out
of place.
It was on the 26th May, 1835, that Mr. John .Batman,
-with three other white men and some Sydney natives,
sailed up the Tarra, and, having landed just below the
Falls, pitched his tent, and settled on what is now called
Batman's Hill.
Batman knew perfectly well that, whenever the white
man plants his foot on savage land, his black brother
ceases to be the owner of it. Acting upon that know
ledge, and believing in the principle of " first come first
served," he obtained a nice little block of land, six
hundred thousand acres, in exchange for a few blankets,
clothes, knives, and other articles, among which were
thirty looking-glasses. Unfortunately for Batman, an
unappreciative govemment, thinking the bargain much

Lights and Shadows of Melbourne Life.

too one-sided, ignored it ; so the enterprising colonists
had to appease their "earth hunger" in some more
legitimate manner.
In August of the same year, Batman was followed by
John Pascoe Fawkner ; and to that gentleman is due the
credit of being the actual founder of Melbourne.
On the 29th September, 1836, Captain William Lonsdale"
selected the present site of Melbourne, which, being
approved of by Sir Eichard Bourke, the Govemor of New-
South Wales, was by him named after the then prime
minister of England.
In 1842, Melbourne obtained its municipal rights, and
became a corporation, of which Mr. Henry Ccmdell, a
brewer, had the honpur of being the first mayor. On the
26th June, 1847, it was created a city; and in the follow
ing year -the Eev. Charles J. Perry, the first Anglican
bishop, was installed in St. James's Cathedral.
Things went on improving, and the city grew apace,
tUl 1850, when the district was separated froin New
South Wales, and called Victoria, after our gracious
Queen. At that time there were in the heart of the city
numerous scrubby waste places supposed to be of so little
value that purchasers were hard to find. But their value
has since been discovered with a vengeance, for blocks of
land that were then sold for pounds, have since fetched
more than as many thousands, sho-wing how wonderfully
this fair city of the south has developed in thirty-eight
years. The city was still increasing in size and importance,
when, in the next year, 1851, the discovery of gold in our
soil gave a fresh current to men's thoughts, and an
impetus to their energies they had never known before.
They speedily became disgusted with the slow, though,
perhaps, sure process of making gold in the ordinary way
of business ; for why should they toil at the counter, or in
the workshop for years to obtain it, when there was plenty
lying within a few miles inviting them to come and pick
it up? A general rush from Melbourne was the conse
quence. The shopkeeper sold oif his goods, this time in
reality, at an "Alarming sacrifice," and hurried to the
gold fields with a -^ievv to nuggets. The artisan dropped
his tools, and Shouldered a swag, and hastened ofif in the

Melbourne in

same direction, light-hearted, and hopeful of being at
the end of a few weeks independent of work for ever.
La-wyers, seized -with the general epidemic, rushed to the
diggings, and left their clients to settle their disj)utes
among themselves ; and if a similar stampede of the legal
fraternity were to take place at the present day, society
might, perhaps, in time become reconciled to it. Doctors
deserted their patients, who, doubtless, on being left ti ¦
nature and their own constitutions, soon recovered, and
started ofi" to the same l^nd of promise after them ; and
clerks dropped the pen for the pick, and went at it like
English navvies ; in fact, all classes thought of, and
strove after, nothing else but gold. It is true they did
not all dig in the right place, but most of them did, and
that was sufiScient to inspire the others with the hope of
being equally fortunate in- the end.
On the passing away of the gold fever, these men
retumed to Melbourne, accompanied by some of the
thousands whom the fame of the gold fields had attracted
to our shores ; and the city grew more rapidly than ever
in size and population.
Soon the gaps in the principal streets were filled up
-with handsome shops of brick or stone ; and now trade
has developed into such proportions, that there is not an
inch of space that is not required for l;)usiness purposes.
A few samples of our early shop architecture are yet to
be seen in some of the chief thoroughfares, wedged in
between fine lofty buildings, like shabby dwarfs between
well-dressed giants.
In Melbourne proper, that is, without the suburbs,
there are 66,878 inhabitants, and 13,706 dwellings to
shelter them.
The city is divided into seven wards, each of -Which
sends one aMerman and three councillors to represent it
in the City Council. The To-wn Hall, where these civic
fathers meet, is a noble building, and being at the angle
of two of our principal streets, shows to advantage
when admiring strangers come to see the sights of
Melbourne. The Parliament Houses in Spring Street are not yet
completed, but when they are they will be a._ noble pile
of buildings, and in evei-y way fit for the collective wisdoin
of the colony to meet in for the despatch of business. B ^

Lights and Shadows of Melbourne Life.

Lower down, going south, is the Treasury, a fine stone
building, with a noble flight of steps in front, up which
the jaded minister can mount without fatigue, when_ he
goes to meet his colleagues in cabinet, or executive,
council assemblies.
At the back of that are the Crown Lands and Water
Works departments, two fine buildings of brick and
cement. Our Post-Office is now being completed according to the
original designs, and when finished it will be something
for the Melbourne people to be proud of.
We can boast of a fine Public Library, -with picture and
sculpture galleries, and technological museum attached.
We have, also, on the University grounds, a Museum of
Geology and Natural History, containing many choice
specimens of the animal and mineral kingdoms, -with
' numerous models of mines, and the various kinds of
machinery used in mining operations.
We have two Universities where our future Esculapii,
bishops, and judges, are trained for their high callings by
professors equal in learning to any teaching staff in
the world; and a Working Man's College, where the
intelligent artisan, who aspires to something above the
mere manual drudgery of his craft, and beer, can fit
himself for any position his skill and industry may raise
him to.
We have colleges and grammar schools to prepare the
sons of the well-to-do for the University, private schools
in abundance, and State schools wherever wanted. At
tendance at the latter is compulsory till the age of fifteen,
or till the pupil has reached a certain standard, and the
education is free, and absolutely secular.
Tbe number of churches and chapels in our city show
that a very fair proportion of its inhabitants devote one
day out of the seven to the worship of the true God,
however diligently they may bow down to Mammon
during the other six.
Two noble cathedrals, one Anglican and the other
Eoman Catholic, are in course of erection; and when
completed they will add much to the beauty of our city.
We are well off for charitable institutions, where all
the " ills that flesh is heir to " are properly attended to,
and where ailing poverty can find relief, and a home till

Melbourne in '88.

restored to health, or till claimed by the Inevitable. We
have two Orphanages, really deserving institutions, but,
like most deserving institutions, they are always in debt ;
and Ladies' Benevolent Societies, that do a deal of
unostentatious good to women whose husbands have
deserted them, or are sick, or in prison.
We have a Lying-in Hospital, -where the poor married
women, and the poor unfortunate are alike treated with
the care and attention their condition requires. There is
a Hospital for Sick Children ; another for convalescents,
and several for the treatment of special complaints. We
have a Blind Asylum, an Asylum for the Deaf and Dumb ;
a Benevolent Asylum, where the aged and decayed of both
sexes can find rest, and a home for the remainder of their
days; and what is called the "Immigrants' Home,"
where the casual is housed and fed, and where the
invalided vagrant and loafer can crawl into to die. The
whole of these form an array of charitable institutions
which speaks volumes for the benevolence of our citizens.
We have a large permanent Exhibition building,
where in 1880 our handicraftsmen compared the work of
their hands and heads with that of their fellow toilers in
the other parts of the world, and came out of the contest
with credit. When not used for exhibition purposes, the
building is let for monster concerts, and other affairs that
draw a large concourse of people together. Attached
thereto is an Aquarium, well supplied with many kinds
of the marine monster, and remarkable members of the
finny tribe.
The old Supreme Court yet stands on the old spot, but
Justice no longer holds the scales there, that lady having
taken up her abode in the well-arranged Law Courts on
the westem side of the city. At the corner of the next
street is the Mint, wherein the' gold found in our soil is
converted into sovereigns.
Perched on a high hill, south of the Yarra, may be
seen a grand pile of buildings. This is Government
House, the residence of his Excellency the Govemor. To
the east of that are our beautiful and extensive Botanical
Gardens, open to the public daily, free of charge.
No city in the world is so well off for " lungs," as the
open' spaces have been rightly called, as Melbourne, foi-
they are so numerous and spacious, that, speaking in

6 Lights and Shadows of Melbourne Life.
metaphor, you can throw a stone from one into another.
On the northern side of the city, in what is called the
Eoyal Park, are the Zoological Gardens, large, and weU-
stocked with a great variety of wild animals, birds, and
fishes. The wants of the Melbourne people are supplied by
eight markets — two for vegetables, one for fruit, another
for fish, and one for meat ; while on the northern side of
the city are mark-ets for the disposal of horses, hay,
cattle, and pigs.
We have a Eoyal Observatory, presided over by an
astronomer of world-wide renown, who, with the aid of
one of the largest and best telescopes procurable, keeps
us au courant with what is going on among the heavenly
bodies. He has, also, a mysterious instrument for de
tecting earthquakes when they are not sufficiently
demonstrative to make themselves felt. It is called a
seismograph, and is so sensitive in its nature that, with
almost human sagacity, it mistook, a few years ago, the
firing of a gun in the bay for a subterranean disturbance.
The spacious blue stone barracks in the St. Kilda Eoad
are now the headquarters of our permanent corps ; they
are also used as barracks for our mounted police. It was
there the imperial troops were quartered at the period
when it was thought we were too weak to stand alone.
Things are altered now. We can not only stand alone, but
are beginning to run remarkably fast. We have, besides
the permanent corps, a well-trained and numerous militia;
a naval reserve, and what is by no means of the least
importance, a cadet corps attached to each State, and
public school and college. Boys have a habit of
developing into men, and, by-and-bye, these youngsters
will be a body of well-trained soldiers, on whom we may
rely in the hour of need ; and as there will be a great
annual increase in their number, we shall, in the course
of time, have a powerful and efficient landwehr to fall
back upon, should a foe, by any chance, land upon our
shores. We have nineteen banks and banking companies to
take care of our surplus cash, or advance us some if we
need it. In addition to these, we have two savings-
banks for the smaller capitalists— the Post-Office and the
Melbourne ; while the latter has, within the last year or

Melbourne in '88.

so, started branches in most of the suburbs, greatly to the
increase of their business.
Eighty-seven insurance companies compete for the
privilege of insuring our persons and property" against
every possible mishap that can befall us. "With all their
diligence, however, in search of business, much property
in and around Melbourne remains uninsured, which is to
be regretted, both for the sake of the owners and the
companies; for, unlike most other businesses, the more
" risks "- the latter incur, the better it is for them.
The forty-eight building societies we have are great
boons to the working-man, who can invest his sa-vings to
advantage in. them, or, by their means, acquire a home of
his own.
We have numerous benefit societies in which the
prudent can provide for a time of sickness, and, also, for
a respectable funeral when dead.
We are well off for leamed societies. Every branch of
art and science has a society of its own, composed of men
the most famous in each particular branch. We have
debating societies, mutual improvement societies, a society
for the prevention of cruelty to animals, a royal humane
society ; and, by-and-bye, in all probability, we shall have
a mendicity society.
We have four clubs — the Melbourne, for the elite of our
society, and distinguished visitors ; -the Athenaeum, for
the higher professional men ; the Australian, for squatters ;
and the Torick, for those of Bohemian tendencies.
We have several first class hotels on the western side of
the city, where our wealthy country visitors may be
found when they come to Melbourne, and some rightly
called coffee palaces, for they are palatial in most senses of
the word.
We have a Melbourne servants' home and governesses'
institute to which ladies of that ilk can retire while
waiting for a situation ; a sailor's home to keep Jack out
of the clutches of the land-shark; and three homes, or
refuges, for fallen women.
Melbourne is pretty well off for newspapers and other
publications. There are four dailies— three moming, and
one evening ; Law, Physic, and Divinity have their organs,
and trade and commerce their " Eevie-w," and " Journal."
There are comic papers for the light-hearted, and fine

8 Lights and Shadows of Melbourne Life.

Teligious ones for the serious, though, by the way, some
of the latter journals occasionally indulge in comicalities
that must have reached their editors by mistake, the
writers having evidently intended them for our old friend
Punch. There is one in the interests of the Catholics, and
another favouring the Jews. The teetotallers have their
¦" News," and the licensed -victuallers their " Advocate." We
have two illustrated monthly journals; a sporting paper to
keep our young athletes posted up in the latest records of
all possible sporting events ; a monthly journal of light
literature, and other publications too numerous to mention.
Our prisons and madhouses prove our civilisation to be
equal to that of any of the older cities of Europe. It may
appear strange that civilisation, among its many blessings,
should have the peculiarity of increasing the necessity for "
those places ; but it is so, nevertheless, and the higher the
one, the more numerous the others.
There is a retreat for inebriates, to which our dipso
maniacs can retire till they have overcome their abnormal
thirst, and a discharged prisoner's aid society to take by
the hand those who have erred and are -willing to be led
back to the right path.
We have reformatories, wherein we try to nip crime in
the bud, before our juvenile criminals have time to open
out into the full blown burglar or garotter; while our
industrial schools show how anxious the State is to act in
loco parentis to a certain section of the rising generation —
an anxiety shared in by many of the parents of these
children, as it saves them the trouble and expense of
bringing them up themselves. Certainly, when the
magistrates send these children to the schools, they go
through the formality of ordering the parents to pay so
much per week towards the maintenance of their off
spring, but that order is usually more honoured in the
breach than in the observance.
We have an intelligent body of police, veritable sons of
Anak, assisted by a shrewd and effective detective force,
to watch over the persons and property of our citizens.
Our thieves are far behind their London brethren in
intelligence and digital dexterity. We have none of
those elegantly-dressed swell-mobsmen and women who
find their way into fashionable gatherings, and ease
people of their valuables while they charm them by their

Melbourne in '88. 9

conversation. Our unrecognised conveyancers do their
business in a more vulgar manner. Few of them have
" forks " sufficiently deft to dive into the inmost recesses of
our pockets while we are quietly walking along the street,
or seated comfortably at the theatre or opera; but two
or three stick their victim up at night as he is going
home, or wait till he is lying dead drunk in the gutter
before they attempt to remove anything he may have left
after his debauch. What are called " area sneaks " at
home aj-e represented here by a class who prowl about
the rights-of-way " snow dropping," or " snapping up any
unconsidered trifle" they may see lying about. Our
burglars and housebreakers operate less skilfully than
the Londoners do ; we hear of no cleverly got-up affairs
here such as occasionally startle the British public ; but
when a " crib " is " cracked " here it is done in a rude und
primitive fashion ; nor are the thieves here knit together
by so strong a sense of honour as they are in England,
though "honour among thieves" is not always the rule
there. We have no elegantly dressed lady thieves, who
so successfully "work" in omnibuses, or wherever tho;e
who have anything to lose most do congregate.
We have not yet imported those, interesting creatures
who write on the pavement " I am starving," and then
squat down by the side of it to receive the contributions
of the full-bellied passers by, or till they see a policeman
coming ; nor have we those artistically gifted individuals
who chalk on the flags -with coloured chalks a dish con
taining half a salmon, and then sit down by the side of it
in the hope that some admirer of the fine arts will
appreciate their skill, and reward it with a copper.
Our solicitors (non-legal) are composed of blind men,
decrepit tap-loafers, who beg about the city, and the
habitues of the padding kens, who " work " the suburbs,
all of whom get enough money in three days to find them
in beer the whole seven ; but the business of the blind
ones is far too profitable to be neglected, so they all work
six days a week, and many of them seven.
Like all large cities, we have a demi-monde, some of the
members of which are of a rather high tone. As a class,
they are as well conducted as the frail sisterhood in any
part of the civilised world, and as numerous in proportion
to the population, seeing that we have five hundred and

10 Lights and Shadoivs of Melbourne Life.
ninety seven of the fallen angels in this noble city
of ours. The " social evil" has been a problem for mankind to
solve from the earliest ages, and it will remain unsolved
till the human race has been ci-vilised into sterility, or the
millennium arrives.
At the present time it appears to be looked at in two
different ways, by two different kinds of people. One
would sweep it off the face of the earth by a process that
would be both speedy and effective. These, it may be
noticed, belong to that section of mankind who have Uved
long enough to recognise the wisdom of Solomon's assertion
that " all is vanity." The others regard it from another
point of view. "Whilst deploring the existence of the
evil, they do not ignore the fact that " flesh is grass," and
as they know there are certain contentions in man's
nature in which the animal will overcome the intellectual,
even in the most philosophical, they see the impossibUity
of suppressing it, and would therefore control it by
allowing the traviate certain gathering grounds where
they could meet without stepping upon the skirts of
respectability, or outraging the feeUngs of those whose
only objection to vice is its open display.
"The social habits of the Melbourne people are British
in every sense. We are fond of dinners, parties, balls,
picnics, and social gatherings of all kinds ; we flock to aU
kinds of sports and out-door exhibitions with all the
abandon of school boys. Holidays are plentiful, and no
opportunity is ever missed of making additional ones.
The Melbourne people are hospitable to _a degree.
When -we are honoured by the visits of distinguished or
famous personages, we unite as one man to do them
honour, and sustain the credit of the colony ; ottr only
danger being, that, in our desire to play the host on a
liberal scale, we rather overdo it, and somewhat mar the,
in every other respect, favourable impression we may
have made upon the minds of our guests. Having done
our best to entertain them in a manner befitting their
rank or fame, it is only reasonable we should feel grati
fied in knowing our endeavours have been rightly
appreciated, and, it may be said, our guests usually leave
us with the assurance that words can hardly express the
pleasure they feel in having been entertained in so cordial

Melbourne in '88. 11

a manner, though one, on taking his leave, acknowledged
our hospitality by a parting recommendation to us " not
to blow," while another acknowledged the proffered
hospitality of his would-be entertainers by a characteristic-
display of " himself."
That we are fond of music and theatricals may be
gathered from the fact that we have six theatres, and a
whole host of minor places of amusement, each and aU of
which are fiUed nightly by appreciative audiences ;
whilst the number of public-houses and hotels are equally
indicative of our bibulous tendencies.
Three railway termini, at present not much to look at,
are the outlets and inlets for the travelling public to and
from aU the suburbs, and ever^' centre in -Victoria.
For urban and suburban traffic we are well supplied
-with conveyances. Cabs, busses, and cable tramways are
the means of transit for those citizens who prefer riding
to walking when going from one side of the city to the
other, or to any of the surrounding suburbs.
Our water supply is second to none in the world; the
pressure at the plugs being sufficient to throw the water
over the highest buildings in Melbourne, if required for
the repression of fire. The fire brigade in Melbourne is
an organised and paid body of men, though in the suburbs
the voluntary system obtains.
Melbourne is guarded seawards by the terrible Cerberus,
and it would require a much stronger sop to put her to
sleep than the one Sibyl administered to her namesake.
Besides the Cerberus, there are a frigate, two steel gun
boats, three steel torpedo boats, and three armed dredges
belonging to the Harbour Trust. To man these boats,
we have a volunteer Naval Brigade and Torpedo Corps,
all that we require to protect us against a sudden attack ;
for as long as England has command of the seas no enemy
can do us more injury than might be done in a flying
-visit. Gambling is carried on to a much greater extent in
Melbourne than is known or suspected by the bulk of the
population, who are apt to look upon the external signs
of weU-doing as proofs of the intemal correctness of things
generaUy. How greatly the spirit of gambling influences the minds
of a certain section of our population is from time to time

12 Lights and Shadows of Melbourne Life.
brought to our knowledge through the police reports, or
by hearing that some well-known character has levanted,
or committed suicide ; then there is a deal of virtuous,
though harmless, indignation hurled at those highly
respectable gentlemen who have had a hand in bringing
things to such a melancholy pass. But it soon evapo
rates, and the select " hells " keep on preparing subjects
for Pentridge, or the Yarra, as briskly as ever. The
games mostly affected are loo, nap, poker, and Yankee
grab. It is generally supposed the latter is only played
at for drinks, but that is simply a mistake, for large sums
are daily and nightly won and lost at it.
Like that *of all young countries, our native youth
display a considerable amount of animal spirits, which are
set down by their doting parents as a manifestation of
natural genius. They have been likened to the Spartan
youth of old, though in what, save the imaginations of
gushing writers, the similarity is to be found, is difficult
to see, for the Spartan '- youth were remarkable for
obedience to their parents, and respect for old age, and
these two characteristics cannot be discovered by the
keenest observer among the virtues of our colonial youth.
But however much they may suffer from undeveloped
bumps of veneration, it is undeniable that they are no
fools ; but are the possessors of a considerable amount of
smartness, or native impudence, which is just as useful in
helping a man on through life. The next best thing to
being clever is to ' get people to fancy you are. If you
can do that, you avoid a deal of study and hard work, for
what is the good of striving after the substance when the
shadow wiU do as well ? Thus it is with our boys, who,
from constantly hearing their parents and " indiscreet "
friends say how clever they are, have come to believe it
themselves, and that prevents their standing intellectuaUy
as high as the same boys do at home, who, not having the
same belief in their own natural abUities, strive the
harder to acquire confidence by the tedious, though
necessary, agency of books.
The liveliness of a certain section of our boys takes the
form of what is called " larrikinism," and that, as a
nuisance, stands second to none of those we are in the
habit of-regarding as such.
Cowardly and treacherous as wolves, that portion of

Melbourne in '88. 13

our Spartan youth, unlike their prototypes, require the
confidence inspired by numbers before they can muster
up sufficient courage to commence operations. Then,
twenty or thirty, armed with road metal, will attack a
solitary policeman ; or three or four assault a decrepit old
man or defenceless woman. Then they will vary their
amusements by smashing windows, or looting a public-
house, or get up a fight among themselves ; but, unfor
tunately, the latter part of their programme is usuaUy
interrupted by the police before much damage is done.
Our girls are so proverbial for their precocity, that it
has been said they are seven years old at their birth.
Whoever it may have been who made that remarkable
discovery, he must have had a very limited knowledge of
the female portion of our young colonials ; for, though we
meet with some demoiselles with remarkably old heads
on their young shoulders, they must not be taken as fair
samples of the Victorian maidens, who are as pure and
engaging as any girls in the world. As a rule, they may
not be as pretty as their English sisters, but in all other
respects they compare favourably with them, and where
not, it is as much o-wing to parental neglect as to natural
inclination induced by a southern climate.

14 Lights and Shadows of Melbourne Life.

WHAT WE HAVE IN OUE MIDST.
On the breaking out of the first French Eevolution, fifty
thousand human beings came forth from the various
holes and corners in Paris, whose very existence had,
tUl then, been unkno-wn — human only in form, for every
other attribute of humanity had been stamped out of them
hy ages of tyranny ^nd oppression. Sunk in the lowest
depths of poverty, their minds had become embittered
against aU who were better off than themselves, and,
when the time came, they sought to wash out their -wrongs
in the blood of those who had oppressed them.
It is to that class that aU the frightful horrors and
excesses that accompanied the social disruption are due ;
and naturally no other result could be expected, for as we
sow, so shall we reap. If we sow in -wrong we shall reap
the bitter fruits of it. The harvest may be long in
ripening, but, in the ine-vitable course of events, it wUl
ripen at last, and retum us a hundred-fold the injuries we
have inflicted.
We, too, have a dangerous class in our midst, lurking
in holes and corners away from the pubUc gaze, where
they mature undisturbed their plans against society ; and
where vice in every form flourishes, unchecked by aught
that might have a restraining influence over it. With
us, however, they are not driven to poverty and despera
tion by oppression, for here aU are equal before the law ;
and none need be poor who will work. Yet, although
we have not engendered a criminal class by persecution,
we may have done so by leaving unperformed duties
that are as obligatory upon communities as the proper
care and supervision of a family are upon the head of it,
and to neglect the one is as wrong and blameworthy as
it is to shirk the other.

What we have in our Midst. 15
Many good and worthy people would be greatly
astonished on being told that they are responsible for
half the crime that darkens the page of our every-day
life. Yet it is so; and as long as they allow nurseries for
its culture to exist, it -will thrive, and turn upon them
as the Frankenstein monster did upon him who had
created it.
There is another danger, pestUence, equally the off
spring of man's neglect, lurking in the foul and over
crowded localities, none the less deadly because invisible,
and stiU more terrible because, having once issued forth,
no hand but the Almighty's can arrest its progress.
Eunning from the great to the Uttle streets of this city
are lanes crowded with human habitations. From some
of these lanes there branch off at right angles " places "
containing three or four houses. Those recently built
are of brick, for the Corporation has long since stopped
the erection of any more wooden ones. Others are old
tumble-down -wooden shanties, packed as closely together
as space -wiU allow ; without any regard for the conveni
ence of those who dweU in them ; dirty, alive -with vermin,
close and foetid, -with the sharp pungent odour of decaying
wood ever appealing to your nostrils; roofs not water
proof ; doors -without fastenings, and frequently with only
one hinge ; windows patched with paper, or stuffed with
rags ; floors rotten and fuU of holes, through which the
rats come and devour the food they doubtless think has
been left there for their use by the equally rattish and
predatory dwellers above.
Conveniences that ought to be kept at the back, out of
sight, are frequently placed in front, and common to
two or three houses, the effluvium from which strikes you
long before you can see whence it comes.
Yet these " places " are within sight of, aye, and over
shadowed by, magnificent buUdings devoted to the trade
and commerce of the colony — squalor and poverty side by
side with magnificence and wealth. Bad as these houses
are, however, they bring in rents that quite justify the
auctioneers, when they have any for sale, in styUng them
"valuable city properties." Strange as it may seem,
many of these queer places belong to men ranking high
in religious and " morality " circles, who receive the rents
from their agents with the same complacency Vespasian

16 Lights and Shadows of Melbom-ne Life.
did the proceeds of a certain tax, and would, no doubt, if
questioned, give the same reply he gave to his son Zitus,
who doubted the purity of money obtaiijed in such a way.
Living in these dens are human beings, who, unless
brought to the surface by some disturbing infiuence, such
as a fire in their neighbourhood, or ha-ving to make an
enforced visit to the police court, are never seen, save by
those who visit them in their slums.; women who have
retained nothing that is womanly ; men dead to every
manly sentiment ; and children in whom nothing that is
innocent or child-like can be found.
Others living there are people whose besetting sin is
drunkenness — working-men, who only work long enough
to get the means of going on the " burst," but who are
in perhaps other respects superior to their neighbours.
Some of the blind beggars, too, retire there at night to
spend in riot and debauchery a portion of the money
they have wrung out of the soft-hearted, and equaUy soft
headed, individuals who so un-wisely perpetuate the
nuisance by giving alms in the street ' to men who, in
many instances, are comparatively wealthy, and all of
whom make more money daily than the most skilful
artisan in the colony ; for, from the earliest days, a pair of
sightless eyes has been ah appeal to the human heart
few can resist, and the, " Date obolum " of Belisarius was
not more effective as a conveyancer, in the transfer of
small change, than is the "Please remember the poor
blind " of to-day.
Costermongers, in a small way, likewise affect these
quarters. When a man in that line, with his wife and
family, only occupy one small room,, it is difficult for the
uninitiated to understand how and where he stows away
the unsold portion of his goods from one day to another ;
as it would never do for him to leave them unprotected
in the right-of-way at night, if he wishes to find them in
the morning. But the business is simple enough.
Although the room is more than half taken up by a larg©
bedstead, there is a space underneath it available for
stowing away the more delicate and perishable articles,
such as grapes or fish; but whether, having regard to
freshness and soundness, that is the best place for them, is
a matter of opinion. The cabbages and coarser kind of
produce are thrown anyhow in a corner. It's a wise old..

What ive have in our Midst. 17

proverb which saith, "What the eye does not see, the
heart never grieves about."
Some of these lanes are almost exclusively inhabited by
our Celestial'brethren, who there have their dens, to which
they entice young girls and stupify their brains by
opium as a preliminary to debauching their bodies.
There, also, they carry on their national and highly
intellectual game of pantan, amid a din of exultant
chatter on the part of the winners and angi-y imprecations
from the losers, that has no parallel except in the noise
issuing from a crowd of angry monkeys.
A number of weU-meaning gentlemen have formed
themselves into a society, called the " Chinese Mission,"
the object of which is to bring as many of the followers of
Joss into the pale of the Christian Church as possible ; a
matter by no means easy of accomplishment, even at the
expenditure of much time and money. We do not know
the value of a " heathen Chinee " when converted, but if
he is worth all it costs to convert him, he is valuable
indeed. The mission can give a very satisfactory annual
report, no doubt, but from the little we know of '¦ John "
we are inclined to think that these reports do not
harmonise with the actual results. If we might be so
bold, we would suggest to the missionaries the advisability
of adding a little arithmetic to their gospel teaching, for
it is only right that such of iheir proteges who are connected
¦with the vegetable. hawking interest should know that
each pound contains sixteen ounces — a truth their Asiatic
minds appear at present unable to grasp, for when taxe^
-with trying to palm off seven pounds of potatoes for ten,
their oleaginous faces shine with a look of such conscious
innocence or unconscious guilt, that it is evident our
system of computation and theirs are not in accord.
Mendicants of all sorts, and both sexes, sally forth from
these places as soon as they have recovered from the
previous night's debauch, to levy their daily contributions
from the public. The men help themselves along with
sticks, for the quantity of beer they drink makes them
rather dropsical about the feet, a symptom which they palm
off upon the benevolent as " rheumatic gout."
The women are mostly provided with a basket, wherein
they stow away whatever may be given to them in the
shape of scraps of food, old clothes, or anything else that
c

18 Lights and Shadows of Melbourne Life.
is worth carrying away. Sometimes they carry a chUd
in their" arms, or have one toddling at their sides, and, if
it is very pretty, or very sickly-looking, it is a great
source of income.
Some of the itinerant musicians who discourse such
sweet sounds in our streets, also favour these localities
with their presence when they are at home. In fact, aU
that is doubtful in our population seek in these lanes, and
rights-of-way, a refuge they can find nowhere else, for
here they can lead the lives most agreeable to themselves,
withont fear ofscandalizing their neighbours.
Such is the state of things here in Melbourne, the chief
city of th« southern hemisphere, in the Nineteenth century,
with all its boasted civilisation, and in spite of an efficient
system of police, and of numerous religious bodies.
Let us suppose a fire, fanned by a stiff breeze, were to
break out among these closely-packed shanties. Where
would it end ? Might it not, in spite of our magnificent
water supply, lay half the city in ruins ? And when we
reflect how easily such a thing might be brought about
by the drunken carelessness of those who dweU there, we
can only wonder it has not happened before this.
The respectable inhabitants U-tdng round about there
are quite aUve to the danger constantly hanging over
their heads, and the^' would gladly see the whole of the
rookeries, houses, aud j)eople, cleared out by any means
whatsoever, even though it were by the dangerous agenpy
of fire itself.' There is one guarantee, however, for a
certain amount of care on the part of those who Uve in
the back slums, and that is, the difficulty they would
have in finding other quarters, if they were burnt out of
their present ones. The localities available for such
characters are always crowded to their utmost capacity,
and if a whole rookery were driven to seek a fresh hiding
place, it is hard to say where they could find it. It is
the knowledge of that fact that causes such terror and
excitement when a fire does occur in their midst.
We ^were passing down one of the little streets some
time ago when there suddenly arose a cry of fire. It was
an old wooden shanty down a narrow lane that was
burning. To the right and left of it were other wooden
shanties, with passages of about three feet in -width
between them. In an instant the lanes and lights-of-

What we have in our Midd, 19
way aU around pour forth theix affrighted denizens, who
rush to the corners to see whose place is burning, and to
be prepared to save their goods if the all-devouring
element should come towards their own squalid homes.
Prematurely old women, made so by vice and drink, come
forth Uke unclean animals from their holes. Their blear
eyes shine with excitement, and their bloated faces, in
some cases made still more unlovely by bruises, are
blanched -with terror at the awful cry. Birds of night
sUnk out of their lurking places, blinking like owls
suddenly thrust into the sunlight ; for, late as it is, it is
too early for them to be about. These, however, do not
come forward Uke the rest, but stand in some corner
where they can see, without being seen, as they do not
care to come within the ken of the policeman. Young
girls — young in years but old in vice — look on, and
bandy obscene jests with ill-looking larrikins at their
sides. Little girls, nursing babies almost as big as them
selves, get mixed up with the crowd, and seem in danger
of being trodden to death. Loafers, with their unsavoury
looks and stUl more unsavoury odour of beer and tobacco,
watch the fire with a quiet sort of enjoyment.
If a genuine loafer were asked for Ms idea of elysium,
he would say it was a good position for witnessing a fire,
and unUmited beer.
Eespectable tradesmen, too, were there, with fierce
looks of exultation in their faces, as they see the proba
biUty of the neighbourhood being relieved of, at least,
some of its disreputable inhabitants.
The flames roared and the wood crackled, but the crowd
did not as usual rush in to save the furniture of the
threatened houses, or, more properly speaking, destroy it
by hasty removal. Apathy seemed the order of the day.
No expressions of sympathy were heard in the crowd,
but wishes were freely uttered that the whole place might
be cleared out before the fire brigade could arrive.
A woman -with a chUd in her arms rushed out of the
house next to the one in flames. Anxious to save her
babe first, she gave it to a woman looking on, aud hastened
back to rescue what she could of her effects. She soon re
appeared at the door -with a smaU table, loaded with
crockeryware, in her hands. In hurrying out, the comer
of the table struck against the door-post, and a crash
c 2

20 Lights and Shadows of Melbourne Life.
ensued. That appeared to excite the pity of one of the
onlookers, a black man enveloped in a thick great coat,
as though it were the depth of winter. He flourished a
whip he held in his hand, and darted with it into the
house. He soon came forth again with the bed and
bedding in his hands, and the whip under his ai-m.
Depositing his load beyond the reach of the fire, he
hurried back to save something else. Soon a hurtling
noise was heard, followed by a crash; then he reappeared
with the greater part of a large wooden bedstead. This
time he held the whip between his teeth. AU this time
the woman was making frantic efforts to save what she
could of her belongings, and the^ darkie worked like a
nigger to help her, while, from exertion in the combined
heat of the sun and fire, his face became as glossy as
polished ebony. Still he persevered, and after a few more
visits the house was emptied ; then, as though he felt he
had done something to be ashamed of, he and his whip
disappeared in the crowd.
Those living in the other houses were also striving
desperately to save their goods. A brawny half-dressed
woman brought out a table loaded with aU manner of
things. These she put in safety at the end of the right-
of-way," and hurried back for more. Her naked arms
showed many a bruise in various stages of recovery, and
on the biceps of the left one were tatooed a heart, and
the initials of, we suppose, her own and some one else's
name. The next house appeared to have four occupants —
two men and two women. The men might have been
honest ; if so, they were sadly libeUed by their looks, for
no men's faces ever showed more plainly the compound
look of the thief and bully than theirs. The vocation of
the women was unmistakable.
The first thing they tried to remove was a colonial sofa,
with a quantity of bedding piled up on it. It was too
wide for the doorway, and had to be turned on one side
before it could be got out. That, of course, caused the
bedding to fall off, which added still more to the confusion
by partially blocking up the passage. When that ob
struction was removed, which was not done without the
discharge of a few score of oaths, the business of removal
went briskly on. One of the women came out with a
tray loaded with cups and saucers, a jug, and some glasses,

liliat we have in our Midst, 21
one of which was half full of beer, showing the fire had
surprised them in the midst of a carouse. As she put the
tray down, a ragged urchin of about twelve pounced upon
the glass containing the beer, and swallowed its contents
with a gusto that showed plainly enough he had already
acquired a taste for that liquid, and that, in the future,
the reputation the neighbourhood bore for drunkenness
would be pretty safe in his keeping.
One of the men and a woman now brought out a large
box between them, on the lid of which were placed
several small pictures, a looking-glass, and some books,
one of which was a Bible, that had, in all probability,
been given to them by some missionary, as it is question
able if they had ever taken sufficient interest in its
contents to buy it ; neither would they, for the same
reason, be likely to run the risk of imprisonment by
stealing it. In hurrying along, the looking-glass fell to
the ground with a crash. A titter ran through the
crowd, which had anything but a soothing effect upon
the already ruffled temper of the man, who roared out in
his passion — " Do you call yourselves men, to stand there
laughing whUe people's things are in danger ? I should
be — well, ashamed of myself, to stand idly by, without
trying to save something." Doubtless. It is such as he
who do take an active part at fires, rushing in on
pretence of saving property, but in reaUty to steal
whatever valuables they can put their hands upon. His
appeal, however, received no other response than a few
jeers. By this time the houses in danger had been cleared of
their contents, which were piled anyhow on the pavement
at the end of the lane, where they were -watched over by
a policeman, otherwise, poor and dirty as most of the
things were, many of the snlaller articles would have
disappeared with a celerity astonishing to one un
acquainted with the peculiarities of the people living
round about there.
The house on the right of the one in flames now began
to blaze, and the shingle on the roof of the one on the left
began to, smoke. The destruction of all the houses in the
lane seemed inevitable, and the faces of those who desired
it wore a pleasant look. Jokes and doubtful witticisms
were heard on all sides, some more expressive than elegant.

22 Lights and Shadows of Melbourne Life,
but aU showing some little sympathy vvas felt for those
who were being burnt out of their homes._
A" greasy-looking individual in his shirt-sleeves stood
at the corner of the lane talking . to a loafer, who was
calmly watching the progress of the fire, whUe smoking
with more than usual satisfaction an old wooden pipe, the
fumes from which almost overpowered those arising from
the house on fire'.
" There'd be a blaze if them stables was to ketch," said
the former,- nodding towards some stables at the far end
of the lane, which would most certainly have been in
great danger had there been a strong wind from the
north. " My word ! " asserted the loafer.
" There'll be a great loss of life over this job," chimed
in a man standing close beside them.
At that remark the greasy one laughed, and the loafer
licked his lips, for they both understood perfectly well
the meaning hidden in those few words.
We looked at the last speaker, and, from his unwhole
some looks and dirty condition, came to the conclusion
that there would also be a great loss -of Ufe if he himself
should happen to take fire.
The flames roared, aud the wood crackled, as a sudden
puff of -wind caused two fiery tongues to lick the side of
the as yet unignited house.
" Here she goes," said a butcher, who, in company with
the publican whose house was at the comer, and a
neighbouring baker, stood watching the fire. " There
wont be much left if the reel isn't quick."
" And a good job too," said the baker.
" No fear," observed the pubUcan, who knew if the
houses were burnt down he would lose a number of his
best customers.
"If you want the fire out, you'd better throw a few
bottles of your whisky over it ; there's water enough in
that to put out any fire," said the butoher,.who wanted to
be funny at the publican's expense.
" Go and get two or three sides of your mutton and
throw them in," obsei-ved the baker, who also wished to
be funny; "it'll make it blaze all the fiercer."
" Not in the least," remarked Boniface, who wanted to
be quits with the butcher. « There's not enough fat

What we have in our Midst. 23
about them to make a blaze, and the lean's too tough to
burn." Before the laugh caused by this last sally was over, a
loud " Hi, hi ! " was heard coming down the street. Soon
two firemen, dragging a hoso after them, were forcing a
way through the crowd; others speedily attached the end
to the plug, and a stream of water was poured upon the
burning mass. In two minutes the flames were mastered,
in two more they were entirely subdued, and what might
have been a serious conflagration was now reduced to a
few smoking embers.
We looked round on the crowd, but could, see no signs
of satisfaction on the faces of those near us ; nor did
we hear any sighs of relief as the danger passed away,
but looks of disappointment took the place of oue,
and muttered imprecations were heard instead of the
. other. One man remarked —
" It's a bad job the axle didn't- break while the reel was
coming along, so that the whole lot might have been
fommed out."
The woman who had been minding the baby quickly
joined issue with him by asking —
" What are poor people to do if they're burned out of
their homes ? "
" Let them go to  " he replied, mentioning a place
where there is not much danger of the inhabitants ever
being burnt out.
All danger having now passed over, those who dwelt
in the lane appeared to be in as great a hurry to get
their things back into the houses, as they were before to
get them out.
The woman who had occupied the destroyed house was
invited by one of her neighbours to put her things in her
house tiU she could get another place to live in — an offer
that was gladly accepted.
However undesirable, as neighbours, the denizens of
these localities may be, they have one redeeming trait —
they are kind to one another in distress.
"With many a muttered curse, the two men before
alluded to began to take stock of their furniture ; to see
what was damaged, and if anything was lost. Much
appeared to be damaged, but nothing was missing, except

24 Lights and Shadows of Melbourne Life.
an old pair of trousers, which some one had taken from
under the very nose of -the policeman.
The crowd now began to disperse, evidently to the
satisfaction of the dwellers in that lane, who did not feel
comfortable under the gaze of so many strangers. The
firemen, having assured themselves, that there was no
danger of the fire breaking out anew, packed up and
went also. The two remaining policemen looked round
the ruins, and giving a scrutinizing glance through the
open doors of the remaining houses, resumed their
journeying round their beats.

( 25 )

THE "PADDING KENS."
Of the many queer places that are to be found in
Melbourne, not the least remarkable are the " padding
kens," or sixpenny lodging-houses — the temporary shelter
of the homeless, the resting-place of weary poverty, and
the refuge of the outcast.
The visitor to the westem side of the city may see a
number of houses, on the windows of which is written
" Clean Beds 6d." He wUl also see, especially towards
the latter part of the day, a number of unsavoury looking
men loafing about the doors, leaning on the window-sills,
or sitting on the kerbstone with their feet in the channel.
If he be of a contemplative tum, he will pause, and,
judging from externals, recognise the natural fitness of
things in such places having such indweUers. From the
outside, his thoughts will naturally wander to the interior,
and he -will wonder what it is like, and how its habitues
pass their time when at home. It was so with us ;
we knew the daily habits of the men perfectly well,
and thought we should like to add to our knowledge by
au insight into their nightly doings. But how was it to
be done ? To ask permission to go round the place was
out of the question ; it might have been granted, but we
should not have been allowed to see all, for even an
official visit, when made unexpectedly, is not always to
be depended upon for getting at the right state of affairs,
however sharp the visitors may be ; for, while they are
overhauling- the place in one direction, things that might
be con.sidered objectionable are altered or removed in
another. The lodgers, too, on these occasions, put on
their best behaviour ; the conversation, that has been
carried on with more vigour than elegance is suddenly
hushed; the oath, more than half uttered, is strangled
before it has time to come forth, and the scowl of semi-

26 Lights and Shadows of Melbourne Life:
drunken brutality is changed to a cringing look of ser
vility; for who knows, they think, but they may get
something out of the visitors to have a drink with. So,
in considering the matter carefully, , we came to the
conclusion that there was no other way of seeing things
in their true light than by going among them as one of
themselves. We went up to the manager, or " chucker-out," and
told him we wanted a bed. " All right." We gave him
sixpence, that was all right too ; we asked him where we
Were to sleep. He took us to a good-sized room con
taining ten beds, and pointed to one in a comer. On the
door was pasted a printed paper showing the numher of
cubic feet of air allowed to each bed. We noticed the
key was on the outside of the door ; what did that mean ?
Did they lock the lodgers in at night ? or did they keep
the door locked during the day? Most probably the
latter. It would not be a nice thing for a nervous man
to be locked in with a room full of such very undesirable
companions as the usual habitues of that place were.
We asked the manager when we could go to bed.
" When you like." " At what time could we leave in the
morning ? " " When you Uke."
The brevity of these answers ' made us look more
attentively at this man than we had hitherto done. A
crispness about his looks told us plainly enough that a
short answer was all any lodger was likely to get from
him, and when we consider the class he has to do with,
it is obvious that no wiser course could be taken.
The people frequenting these places are not remarkable
-for keeping regular hours, either in coming or going, so
they come as late at night as they Uke, and leave as early
as they please in the morning, their " doss " always being-
paid for before they are aUowed to get into it. "There is,
doubtless, some- one about the place to see the early birds
do not fly away with the blankets, as some of them who
may be going on the " wallaby," and are unprovided with
a swag, might not hesitate about supplying themselves
with one "on the cheap,", as getting a thing for nothing-
is called.
Having settled the business" so far, we took a stroll
round the place, and this is what we saw.
The furniture is simple, and not costly. The bedding

The "Padding Kens." 27
consists of a stretcher, flock mattress and pillow; two
blankets and a rug or counterpane ; sometimes sheets are
suppUed, but not often, nor are they often wanted. There
is a sitting-room lit by gas — kerosene would be too
dangerous — as in the not unlikely event of a sudden
brawl taking place among the lodgers, the lamp would
stand a very good chance of being knocked off the table,
and, by setting fire to the house, roast some of those who
are to be found there every night too helplessly drunk to
do anything to save themselves. This room is supplied
with a daily paper, and in winter is made cheerful by a
fire. There is a sort of galley somewhere about the
place where a lodger can cook whatever food he brings
in. Plates and dishes are dispensed with, the chop or
steak being taken out of- the frying-pan, or off the grid
iron, and put upon a piece of bread. Should he indulge
in potatoes, they are boiled with the jackets on, and when
done put into the coat pocket, from which receptacle they
are taken out one by one to be eaten. The salt is usually
carried in another pocket, screwed up in a piece of paper.
The meal is generaUy eaten standing in some corner, for,
as a rule, an Englishman, in whatever part of the world
he may be, prefers, when he can manage it, to have his
meals in solitude. When he takes tea to " wet " his
dinner, it is made in a billy, and drunk out of the lid, as
out of a saucer. On these occasions he sits on the floor
with his back to the wall, as it is more convenient than
standing. Those of the lodgers who consider a wash necessary —
though there are many who do not — can indulge in that
luxury by going to a tap in the yard, if they can put up
-with the trifling inconvenience of having no towel to dry
themselves, upon, or, if they happen to possess a pocket-
handkerchief; though, by the way, that is an article the
use of which is not general among the patrons of the
eisEpenny lodging house.
The place is kept tolerably clean, that is insisted upon
by the inspectors, though they do not appear to be very
particular about the number that occupy one bed, for we
heard one man say he could count his bed-fellows by the
hundreds. The sheets when used are washed once a
week, the counterpanes once a fortnight, and the blankets
as often as required, which is sometimes pretty often.

28 Lights and Shadows of Melbourne Life.
Any case of sickness that may arise is quickly trans
ferred to the hospital, for it would be very inconvenient
to have any one die in the house, as he would occupy a
bed he could not pay for, to say nothing of the loss that
might be incurred through the absurd objection many
people have to lying in the same room with a corpse.
In case of a fight or other disturbance among the
lodgers, the " chucker-out " tries to impress upon the minds
of the belligerents the impropriety of their conduct in a
way in which elegance of speech and gentleness of
manner are not altogether relied upon. When he is
unable to bring matters to a happy termination, the
catastrophe is brought about by a deus ex machina in the
shape of a policeman.
On entering the sitting-room, we saw fifteen or twenty
men engaged in various ways. Some were seated reading
the papers ; others were smoking and talking over the
adventures of the day, or leaning listlessly against the
walls, or lying about in various postures on the floor.
The room contained only six articles of furniture — a long
deal table, flanked by two forms in the centre, and three
colonial sofas, as hard and lumpy as though they had
been stuffed with four-inch road metal, stood close to the
walls. On one of these slept a man in a hea-vy drunken
sleep. The greater part of another was taken up by a
man mending his nether garments, and three others,
engaged in an animated conversation, had possession of
the third.
The occupants of that room were of the class always to
be found in such places — real specimens of the genus
loafer. There were no two men of the same height, or
any two with the same cast of feature ; but the " ex
pression on the faces of all was as much aUke as though
they had sprung from the same father and mother. The
same look about the eyes, a sameness about the mouth,
and the same unwholesome complexion, thus sho-wing
plainly enough the power drink has over its victims, and
how it can influence their looks, as weU as bring their
minds to the same dead level.
Among these men we recognised some we had frequently
seen begging about the suburbs ; some as working-men
seeking work ; others as decayed gentlemen brought to
poverty by misfortune and sickness.

The "Padding Kens." 29
There, too, were men who may be seen any morning
loafing about the wharf as though they were looking for
work, and, no doubt, they themsehes believe they are ;
but if any one were to offer them a job, unless it were a
very light one, they would look upon it a6«A personal
affront. Umbrella menders, who go about with a few
skeleton umbrellas tied in a bundle at their backs, were
seated at the table resting after their day's peregrinations.
Watercress men, and some who go about with cockles
and periwinkles, were dozing off the effects of the many
half-pints of beer with which they had been trying to
keep their throats moist during the greater part of the
day. The match-selling interest was also represented ;
so was the travelling drapery business; and the "flying
stationer " was there in all his glory.
There were some there, too, whose mode of getting a
living was quite as well understood, although it was not
so openly carried on. We also saw the genuine tap-
loafer, who manages in some mysterious way to get
sufficient money to pay for his bed, and find himself iu
beer. Cheek by jowl with him were men who had once
held respectable positions in society, but who, yielding
to the temptation of drink, had sacrificed those positions,
and were now only waiting, with broken health and
ruined reputations, till delirium tremens, or the Yarra,
finished a career so mis-spent and profitless. One was
relating the experiences of the day in language that, as
far as diction went, was faultless. The same cannot be
said, however, of the subject of his conversation. Another
was -relating how he had, at one time, been an officer in
the army, but, becoming disgusted with the service,
he left it, which means that, for some fault or other, he
was cashiered, or obliged to sell out.
Four of them now sat down to have a game of cards ;
but, first of all, it was necessary to remove a man who lay
stretched out at full length on the top of the table fast
asleep, which removal was brought about by pushing him
off" with as little ceremony , as though he had been a
bundle of old rags. He fell with a great clatter, first
on the forin and then on to the floor, from which he
looked round vrith a puzzled look in his face, as though he
were wondering how he got there.
One of the four then produced from his pocket a pack

80 Lights and Shadoivs of Melbourne Life.
of cards, so besmeared with dirt and grease that only
those constantly using them could distinguish one from
the other. A flat piece of wood, perforated like a
cribbage-board, was also brought out of the same
capacious receptacle, and placed upon the table. Two
matches were then cut in halves and sharpened at on^
end for pegs, and all was ready. They played a game of
cribbage for a halfpenny a corner, which halfpence were
duly staked upon the table, and covered by the cribbage-
board, from which it was evident that each doubted
either the honour or the solvency of the other.
They were about as rough-looking a quartette as could '
be seen in the colony. The eldest was a taU bony feUow,
dirty, and savage-looking, who apparently could not utter
three consecutive words without an oath. He wore an old
grey Paget coat that had evidently been made for a much
shorter man than himself, for the sleeves only reached
half way between the elbow and wrist, whUe the skirts
terminated just below the smaU of the back. His
trousers might have been made originally of one kind of
cloth, but it would have been impossible from the way in
which they had been patched to decide then which it
was. The others differed but little in appearance from
those who may be seen at any time loafing about the
threepenny taps. .
We stood watching the game for some time, and if we
had not been disgusted with his language, we should"
have been highly amused at the fierce looks the tall one
threw at his partner evei y time their adversaries pegged
a few holes. He swore at him whenever he played
without making fifteen or a pair, although he may not
have had the cards to do it with, but that, in , the taU
one's opinion, [ought to be no impediment whatever.
Once, however, when he did pair a card, and his opponent
mad^ a pair royal of it, it had such an effect upon him
(the long one), that if he had not relieved himself by the.
discharge of an immense volume of oaths, he must have
broken a blood-vessel.
We now turned our attention to the others. There
was one whose appearance we rather Uked. He was
better dressed than the general run of those present, and
was silent and reserved' in manner, as though the
company he was in was not at aU to his Uking. We soon

The ''Padding Kens." 31
found ourselves at his side, and sought to enter into
conversation with hiiu by asking if he thought it would
rain before morning. He answered our question by
propounding another, and that was if we were going to
" shout," at the same time telling us, in very lugubrious
tones, that he had only been able to save enough to pay
for his "doss," and hadn't tasted a drop of beer since
morning. As we observed before, we had rather liked
the look of this man. We had, moreover, come to the
conclusion that it was through some undeserved mis
fortune he had been reduced to the" necessity of seeking a
^lodging among such uncongenial spirits ; but his readiness
in slang and ¦ love of beer completely dispelled that
iUusion, and made us confess to ourselves that- our reading
of the human character was not perfect.
As the man seemed sober, we thought there would be
no harm in aUowing him to " moisten his clay " at our
¦expense, so we told him we had a shilling left, and if he
would come along with us, we would stand a half-pint.
He was thankful for the offer, and promptly accepted it.
A few yards from this house there is a tap wherein
" sparkling ale " is dispensed to a thirsty public at three
pence per pint. Thither we went. Most of the public-
houses in Jlelboume have a screen before the door, to
prevent people in the street seeing those who may be
drinking in the front of the bar — an arrangement in
tended for the comfort of those who have not yet
dro-wned all feeling in bad spirits, or washed out all
respect for public opinion with that mysterious compound
called coloni^il ale. On passing the screen we saw eight
or ten loafers in various stages of intoxication ; some
leaning on the counter, others standing in front of it, and
one, whose legs had given way under the weight of beer
they had to sustain, was lying on the floor grovelling in
the wet sawdust in his vain endeavours to rise. Our
business, however, was not with these.
Instead of ordering two glasses of ale, we called for two
half-pints — not that we wished to save threepence, or
preferred the pewter, but because the crystal would have
inspired those standing around with the belief that they
had- one among them who had been on some successful
"lay," and was weU in funds, in which case he is
expected to shout for "all hands," a thing we by no

32 Lights and Shadows of Melbourne Life. -^
means intended to do. The barman drew one half-pint,
and that quickly disappeared down our friend's throat,
and it apparently required an effort on his part to prevent
the measure going as well. Just then a dirty-looking
loafer emptied his half-pint, and put it on the counter.
-The barman took it up, aiid, while it was yet reeking.
with the slaver and tobacco-juice from the jaws of the
nasty beast who had just used it, filled it for us. That
was rather too much. Thinking it would not be wise
to make any objection, we mumbled something about a
pain in the inside and called for brandy, leaving the beer
for our friend to drink if he felt disposed, and he was
very much disposed, for it disappeared as quickly as the
other had done. We noticed the customers in that tap
were not allowed to help themselves from the bottle, as
they are in some of the others. We suppose it is because
Boniface fears they might take more than would be good
for them, a thing he objects to — at his expense.
It occurred to us that brandy was not often called for
in that department of the hotel, as our request fbr ¦ it
caused quite a sensation among the loafers, and the
barman was careful not to part with the glass tiU he got
the sixpence.
On returning to the sitting-room of the lodging-house,
we saw we had risen wonderfully in our new friend's
estimation, and he gave us a history of his colonial career,
which appeared to have been on an inclined plane from the
very start. He ascribed his want of success to the fact
of his not being a fool; for, as he said, only fools can get
on nowadays, and the bigger fool he is, the better he
does. If, as he started, the absence of brains is a sure road to
success, the converse must hold good with those possessing
well-furnished brain-pans, and as this man was about as
poor as he could well be, we may conclude that his
intellect was something stupendous.
Having thus unburdened himself, he asked us if we
could lend him the price of a pint of beer till the mon-ow,
when he would pay us back without fail. Having
cfilculated the probable effect of another pint of beer on
the top of the two half-pints he had already had, we
thought we might advance him the money without the
after-reproach of having aided and abetted him in making

The "Padding Kens." 33
a'beast of himself, so we lent him the threepence on the
strict understanding that he was to pay us back on the
next afternoon, which he promised faithfully to do.
Whether he would have kept his promise or not, we have
no means of knowing, for we never called to ask him
for it.
It was now near midnight, and many of the lodgers
had left the room and gone to their beds. The card-
players still continued their game, while their language
had become, if possible, more blasphemous than before.
The man who had been tailoring had completed his job,
and retired for the night. The three who had been
holding such lively converse on the sofa had talked
themselves into a state of thirst, which they were trying
to slake with beer one of them had been to fetch in a
bUly. The decayed gentleman had gone to bed ; so had
the unfortunate working-man ; while the ex-officer was
-writing vpith a pencil, on a dirty piece of paper, what we
-took to be the draft of a begging-letter, as he was
receiving instructions from a shabbily-dressed man at
his side.
Soon that portion of the lodgers who cling to the
public-houses till tumed out at closing time, began to
arrive, and stagger off to their beds. One or two looked
into the room as they passed the door, and cast wistful
glances at the billy containing the beer. One was carried
along the passage, dead drunk, by two others, who were
far from being sober themselves, but whose objurgations
upon the senseless lump of clay they bore between them
might have conveyed the impression to the minds of any
one who could not see them, that drunkenness was their
abomination. Another came along singing snatches of a
love-song in a harsh, broken voice, -with aU the gravity
peculiar to some men when drunk. The next that came
along gave vent to his feeUngs in another way — ^by
standing at the door and performing a nigger breakdown
to his o-wn whistling, till told by the manager to drop his
row and get off to bed. Two men now came in quarreUing
about a game of " Yankee grab " they had been playing at
for drinks in the neighbouring public-house. It seems
one had been playing " on the bounce " — that is, without
any money iii his pocket, trusting to chance to win, and
to his own impudence to get out of it if he lost. In this
D

34 Lights and Shadows of Melhowrne Life.
instance, however, the defaulter's "cheek" would have
availed him but little, for the man who had been " sold "
¦was so riled at his treatment that, although,he had done
the same thing himself scores of times, he would have
made it uncommonly warm for his opponent if the
manager had not gone to his assistance.
The next moment the " chucker-out " gave another
proof that his berth was no sinecure, by .pitching a man,
who had formerly misbehaved himself in the house, out
into the street, with the threat that if he didn't " take his
hook " he would be very likely to want the assistance of a
doctor for the readjustment of some of his ribs.
AU the lodgers, with the exception of the card-players,
had now left the room, when we thought we might as
well go to the dormitory, to see how things were looking
there. A tallow-candle, in a battered tin candlestick, glimmered
on the mantelshelf, giving just sufficient Ught to break
the darkness, and show us that nine out of the ten beds
were occupied. The one in the comer, reserved for us,
was still vacant, and was Ukely to remain so — ^for .this
night at least — as we had not the least intention of
remaining in the place one moment after we had gratified
our curiosity. One man only of the nine appeared to be
awake, and his eyes were fixed upon us -with a staring
gaze, as though he were wondering if we had come there
with any sinister design. One lay -with his head and
shoulders uncovered ; another was so covered up that he
must have been half smothered by the clothes-; another
slept on his back, stretched out stiff and straight, as
though he expected to die in the night, and wished to
make things easy for the undertaker; whilst the man in
the next bed was doubled up, with his knees and chin
close together. Some slept calmly and quietly, but one
snored so abominably that it could only be likened to the
noise a lusty boy makes when blowing through a cow's
hom. On the whole, it was as disagreeable a sight as one
would wish to see, and we would infinitely prefer braving
the mosquitoes in the scrub to passing the night in such
a room as that.
There being nothing more to see, we quietly slipped
out and went home.

TJie " Padding Kens." 35
Summer is the " slack season " at the padding kens, as
many of their patrons then go on the " Wallaby track,"
and do not return to Melbourne till the vsdnter sets in.
Others, whose first thought in the cold weather is to save
sixpence for the bed, are not so particular in summer, for
the days being hot, and the lughts pleasant, they prefer
spending it in beer, and sleeping al fresco. Nor is it
difficult to find in Melbourne a resting-place suitable to
all tastes. There are old boilers lying about the vacant
spaces on the westem side of the city, with man-holes
invitingly open for those who Uke snugness, and are not
afflicted with corpulency ; and also empty malt-tanks, for
those who can get into them.
Some of the homeless ones seek a secluded spot in the
scrub, where they can recruit the strength wasted by the
day's wanderings, or sleep off the effects of the day's
potations. There are, also, many other places where the
impecunious can retire at night ; under verandahs, in
empty houses, or in any convenient hole or corner that
gives promise of a few hours' quiet possession, although
that promise is not always fulfilled, for sometimes the
guardians of the night rouse them from their slumbers
and take them to a place where, for a time at least, they
are lodged and boarded -without being called upon to pay
for either. Yet such is the perversity of human nature,
that that tender solicitude is not always gratefully ap
preciated by those who are the objects of it.

» 2

36 Lights and Shadows of Melbourne Life.

THE POLICE COUETS.
Foe those who have the time to spare, and a desire to
learn something of human nature, there are few places
where a morning could be more profitably spent than in
one of our police courts. Certainly, the view we get
there of our social life is not altogether the brightest, nor
the one most gratifying to our self-love ; still, as society,
as a whole, is made up of many sections, it is necessary,
in order to make our knowledge complete, to be acquainted
with each different partr— the good, bad, and the in
different. It is not, however, only the unamiable portion of
mankind we see there ; many good and worthy people
are forced to appear, much against their o-wn inclinations,
to give evidence, either as prosecutors or witnesses, a
position some of them have such an intense disUke to,
that nothing but the fear of the pains and penalties the
contumacious are liable to ever makes them come at" aU.
How few men, or women, are there who can stand in a
witness-box and not show they are in a strange element ?
The faltering voice, the perspiring brow and parched Ups,
the nervous twitching of the fingers, and the frequent
change of position, show their perturbation ; and
frequently, too, it is painful to notice their mental
agony while undergoing cross-examination. A timid,
modest woman may be seen writhing under the cruel
remarks of a merciless attorney, or questioned upon
subjects the most abandoned woman would feel ashamed
to answer, if called upon to do so in public, aU the whUe
the "public," as represented by the greasy loafers behind
the railed-off portion of the court, are chuckling with
delight, as they witness her distress.
There are many cases brought into court which, from
surrounding circumstances, cannot fail to awaken a feeling

The Police Courts. 37
of compassion in the hearts of those present, such as a
man who, having hitherto borne an irreproachable
character, has, under some uncontroUable impulse, com
mitted a trifiing theft. It is indeed pitiable to watch
him as he hangs his head while the charge is being made,
he, at the same time, kno-wing that many of his friends
are there listening to it — for friends will attend on such
occasions to watch the proceedings, but whether from
sympathy or curiosity is a question.
A mother, whose scamp of a son has brought himself
¦within reach of the law, may be seen pleading for him
-with all the fervour of maternal love ; or another parent,
weeping, and almost heartbroken, comes there, and casting
aside the repugnance all have to making such family
griefs pubUc, implores the magistrates to save her
daughter from a life of infamy by placing her where
she v^ill be beyond the influence of her evil companions.
In such cases as these, pity is mingled -with sorrow.
There are some, however, in which our pity is changed to
anger, and sorrow gives place to a feeling of satisfaction,
as we see a well-merited punishment meted out to some
more than ordinarily deserving subject.
The shameless perjured one may be seen rearing his
vile head as he calls God to witness his lies, to save a
few paltry shiUings, or, to swear away the liberty,
or even the life, of' some one he dislikes. A youthful
criminal, proud of being, for a brief period, the cynosure
of aU eyes, holds up his head, and tries to put on an
appearance of bravado, as he looks round to see what
effect his " pluck " has upon his " pals," "who constitute a
considerable portion of the listening " pubUc."
Bold rascaUty seems pleased, as he hears his cunning
dilated upon, and joins in the laughter of the audience as
the victim relates, with much hesitancy, and with pro
voking simplicity, how great a fool he has been ; but the
laugh goes over to the other side of his mouth as he hears
the fiat of a month's hard labour.
Brazen wantonness stands unabashed while a recital of
her conduct is going on that ought to make one, with
the least particle of the woman left, sink into the earth
with shame.
Decrepit filth, sometimes respectably dressed, at other
timos in rags, stands there cowering before the indignant

38 Lights and Shadows of Melbourne Life.
glances of those who hear how he has tried to pollute the
mind of some innocent child, whose trusting nature
makes her so open to the machinations of such monsters.
Fraud under every shape, and vice under every form,
may be seen there daily. Eecitals, painful to, listen to, -
are followed by others intensely ludicrous. _These, again,
are succeeded by a lively interchange of courtesies be
tween the attorneys and the Bench, to the great amuse
ment of the public.
In former times, the admission of the pubUc to the
courts of law was intended as a check upon the authori
ties, and a guarantee of fair play to the accused. Nowa
days, aswe have a free and ubiquitous press, it is open to
dispute whether an indiscriminate admission is an un^
mitigated good. Look at the audience behind the raU in
one of the city police courts. Are they such as would be
likely to act as a check upon the eccentricities of any ma
gistrate who felt disposed to rule according to his own
inclinations, rather than abide by the letter of the law ?
or, does the moral influence of their presence serve as a
protection to the accused ? The courts are crowded day
after day by the same unsavoury people,, who go there in
the hope of hearing something that will gratify their
prurient tastes, or to gloat over the details of some horrid
murder. Boys of fourteen, to old men of sixty, linger
there hour after hour, covered with filth and swarming
with vermin, whilst the mai- odours arising from thefr
bodies vitiate the atmosphere of the court, and render it
scarcely endurable ; the vermin at the same time crawling
across the floor in search of " fresh woods and pastures
new," on the cleaner and more dainty bodies of the
respectable portion of the audience.
"Toung lads go there to get a " -wrinkle " in crime.
They leam what numerous loopholes there are through
which one may wriggle out of a misadventure. They can
learn the strong and the weak" points of the enemy's (the
law's) attack, and jDrepare to meet him where he is
weakest. From what they see there, they can improve
ujjon old dodges and learu new. In fact, in every sense,
the police courts are the best seminaries in which youth
ful criminals can receive the rudiments of an education
that will, in after years, fit them for high positions in the
ranks of crime. Nor are these- the only ill-effects of

The Police Courts. 39
"free admission." The loafers crowd out people who
really have business there, causing them much incon
venience and annoyance.
The magistrate presiding needs a cool head and logical
mind, for he has much to contend with before he can
arrive at a proper decision ; the stupidity of some and
the obstinacy of others ; the hard swearing on one side,
and the equally evident perjury on the other ; and the
whole made still more confusing by the mystifying argu
ments and disputes of the la-wyers. He has to settle
many things that would be much better settled outside,
if people would only reflect a little, instead of giving way
to their tempers — such as family disputes that might be
amicably arranged among themselves, but which are only
embittered by an appeal to him ; or, two friends, over some
trifling matter, are often made irreconcilable enemies
in the same way, when their disagreement might have
been entrusted to some mutual acquaintance, who would
have smoothed it over to the satisfaction of both parties.
A deal of dirty linen is, also, brought to court to be
washed, that ought to be purified at home ; and the petty
squabbles of neighbours occupy much of the magistrate's
time, and must be a great trial of his patience. In fact,
if he were to Usten to all the plaintiff, and defendant, and
their -witnesses, have to say, he would not be able to get
through one case in a week,
Mrs. M'Tadger complains of Mrs. M'Fin, for insulting
and threatening language, and slapping her little boy's
face. "Plaze, your -wurship," said the plaintiff, "me little
boy came running to me, and tould me that Mrs. M'Fin
had slapped his face. I wjnt and axed her why she
slapped the child's face, when she up, and tould me she
never drank'six quarts of beer in one day, and had to be
taken home in a barrow, and thin she called me a drunken
ould cat."
" It was hardly polite to call you that," said the magis
trate, "but it is not actionable for a person to assert that
she never drank six quarts of beer in one day, and had to
be taken home in a wheel-barrow. What have you to
say in reply, Mrs. M'Fin ? "
" May it plaze yer honner," said the defendant, " I
was standing at me doore, whin Mrs. M'Tadger came and

40 Lights and Shadows of Melbourne Life.
axed me why I slapped her boy's face, when I hadn't seen
the ehild all the blessed day. She called me a bad name,
and said she could show her marriage lines, and, ses she,
what about the leg of mutton Mrs. Jones lost out of her
yard ? and how about the brown-paper parcel ? and  "
Here the magistrate interposed by putting the question,
" Did you slap the boy's face, and call her what she says
you did?"
" I did not, yer honner."
" Have you any witnesses, Mrs. M'Tadger ? "
That lady had about a dozen, and the defendant about
the same number, for the whole of the inhabitants of the
right-of-way in which they dwelt were divided into
M'Tadgerites and M'Finites.
Mrs. M'Tadger's witnesses sustain their chief's story in
every particular, with addenda of their own, and describe
Mrs. M'Fin as everything that's bad.
The M'Finites, on the other hand, contradict, point
blank, all the others state, aud make out Mrs M'Tadger to
be a drunken old woman, and Mrs. M'Fin everything
that's virtuous and gentle.
Cases like that usually end in dismissal, when the
victorious party return to the right-of-way with what they
call " flying colours," and celebrate the victory during the
remainder of the day with noisy jubilation, and much
beer swilling. The defeated party retum, a few at a
time, considerably crest-faUen, but, however much thefr
defeat may have damped their spirits, it has in no way
affected their thirst, for the jug goes as often from Mrs.
M'Tadger's to the hotel, and back, as it does from Mrs.
M'Fin's. Beer is a great institution. It is associated with nearly
all the affairs of life,, and resorted to under every mental
condition. In cases like the above, it intensifies the joy
of the successful, and soothes the tempers of the losing
side, and reconciles them to their defeat ; at least, one
would suppose that to be the reason why Utigants hold it
in such general estimation. Certainly, there are some
inconveniences likely to aiise "from its unlimited use, but
it's a great institution notwithstanding.
Mr. O'Eourke complains of having a brickbat sent
through his window, and being called an " Irish pig."
This is a cross-summons case, and Mr. O'Eourke himself

The Police Courts. 41
has to answer a charge of assault, and damaging a lady's
dress, by tearing it off her back. Each side had secured
the services of a lawyer, which had no other result than
to make the already tangled skein still more complicated.
" Please, your worship," said Mr. O'Eourke's attorney,
" my cUent has been exposed to a system of persecution
for the last two or three months, that would have driven
any ordinary man mad. His windows have been smashed,
his clothes-lines cut, and the wet clothes strewn upon the
dirty ground. It was only three days ago his wife was
making a pudding in the kitchen, when suddenly a brick
bat came through the window, and sent the pieces of
broken glass among tlie flour, which bad to be thrown
away, for it would have been dangerous to eat it. Not
content with that, but adding insult to injury, the defen
dant called my client an ' Irish pig.' Now, your worship,
I'm an Irishman myself, and I can assure you it's not
pleasant to be called that, especially by one who is very
sensitive, when allusion is made to any of the national
- peculiarities. I wiU now call my client to state the facts
to your worship."
Mr. 0 Eoiirke made his statement, and a remarkable
statement it was. It went to show what a mild, in
offensive old man he is, and in what extremely unpleasant
places his lines had fallen, by his having to live in the
midst of neighbours such as those he was surrounded by.
In cross-examination, however, he admitted he might
have told the defendant she was all the scum of Scotland
roUed up together, and made into a woman ; and also,
that he may have insinuated that she had partly worn
away the door-post by rubbing herself against it, to
aUay the itching so pecuUar to her country people, but
he couldn't tell whether it was before, or after, she had
oaUed him an Irish pig. He, also, confessed to having
jammed her between the gate and the post, but that was
accidental ; and that he might have torn the dress off her
back, but that was because she sti-uggled. His evidence
was corroborated by his witnesses ; while those for the
defence denied it in toto, and made him out, in every
way, the aggressor.
The magistrates reserved their decision till they had
heard the counter-charge, which was sustained and
denied by the same witnesses who had given" evidence in

42 Lights and Shadows of Melbourne Life.
the former case. The result was, that each was fined a
small sum, which was made still more gratifying to them,
by both having to pay their own costs.
Sometimes the magistrates have to hear cases in which
the ludicrous forms no part. On the contrary, a tale of
sorrow and misfortune excites the pity of all who hear it.
Lazarus had been cast down by sickness, and aU manner
of misfortunes, not the least of which was owing Dives a
few pounds. The usurer, kno-wing that Lazarus had, as
yet, goods more than sufficient to pay him his debt,
resolved to proceed against him before they were wasted
in providing food for the family. In vain Mrs. Lazarus
went to him -with tearful eyes to ask for time, teUing him
if he would grant them that, they would be able to pay
him by instalments. He -pooh-poohed the idea. What
had he to do with other people's sicknesses and misfor
tunes ? All he had to do was to look after himself.
They owed him the money, and they must pay him, or,
he would sell oft' all they had. But, very fortunately, it
was first of all necessary to bring the magistrates to the
same way of thinking, before that extreme measure could
be brought . about ; and, as they saw it was a case of
genuine distress, they showed themselves little disposed .
to bring utter ruin upon an unfortunate family. The'
debtor was asked how much he could pay per week.
Half-a-crown. Dives was asked if that would do?
Certainly not; the money was owing, and they must pay
it. The magistrates cut the matter short, by adjudging
Lazarus to pay five shillings per month — just half what
Dives had refused to take. Costs were not mentioned.
For the courts to be seen at their best, however, is when
some great scandal, or murder, is coming on for hearing,
only you must ^go early to secure a place. Then there is
a full bench of magistrates, looking as dignified and
sedate as the gravity of the occasion requires, or, as their
personal appearance will allow them. The attorneys look
lively ; and the barrister or two who may be engage^ in
the case try to appear as though they had no doubt what
ever of the result being favourable to the side on which
they are retained.
The policemen seem uncommonly "spry;" and the
detectives look mysterious, and knowing ; while the
sergeant is rather more pompous than usual, as he cries

The Police Courts, 45
"Silence in the coort." Some of the witnesses appear
nervous, as they fidget in their seats, when they are lucky
enough to get any, and look as though they would
rather be anywhere than where they are. That frame of
mind is highly conducive to thirst, which may account
for the number of public-houses always to be seen in the
vicinity of the courts of law. Others have a nonchalant
look, which only lasts tiU they get into the witness-box.
Then the perspiration may be seen standing in beads on
their brows, or running in streams down their faces,
though that is rather an advantage than otherwise to
them, as it enables them to collect their thoughts while
"mopping" it up with their handkerchiefs.
After the disposal of the night charges, and order being
duly established in the " coort," the case proceeds. The
greasy ones look expectant, as it is being opened. Soon
the look of expectancy gives place to one of pleasure, as
they hear the details of some monstrous piece of depravity,
or atrocious murder, laid bare. Their eyes sparkle with
deUght ; they lean forward lest they should lose one word
of the horrid tale, and, ' altogether, it is a sight that must
be seen before one can understand the native ugliness
of the loafer mind. It is out of their midst that the
laughter we so frequently see mentioned in the police
reports proceeds, for they laugh on every possible occasion,
whether there be anything to laugh at or not.
The case having been opened, the examination of the
witnesses begins. The public are now entertained by a
Uvely exchange of courtesies between the opposing
lawyers. One assures the other he hardly knows which
to admire most, his legal acumen, or his gentlemanly
manner. The other replies by telUng his friend he
esteems it a great honour to be in the same case with one
who possesses more knowledge of the law than all the
judges put together, and that he only regrets not being in
a place where he could acknowledge his urbanity in a
more decided manner, and in a way much more agreeable
to his own feelings.
The presiding magistrate here mildly suggests the
propriety of deferring the further exchange of compUments
to some more fitting occasion, in order that the business
might be gone on with. This seldom has any other effect
than to bring down upon his Worship a shower of flat-

44 Lights and Shadows of Melbourne Life,
tering observations from one of the two, who assures him
that his impartiality as a magistrate is too well known to
need comment from him, and that his desire to further
the ends of justice in the way most agreeable to all parties,-
fills him with admiration, and makes him feel proud in
having to conduct a case before him. So they keep on,
till they have exhausted the dictionary of its polite
phrases, then, and not till then, the case is aUowed to
proceed. The lawyers sometimes get hold of a stupid -witness,
or a stubborn one, or one that combines in himself the
natures of both, when it is highly amusing to watch them
while he is undergoing cross-examination.
" Do you mean to swear," thunders the la-wyer, " that
you saw the prisoner near the spot, at the time you
stated ? "
" Do I mean to swear that I saw the prisoner "near the
spot, at the time I stated ? "
" "Yes."
" Weil, I beUeye I did."
" Oh ! you believe you did ; now a short time ago you
swore you did. What do you mean by that prevarica
tion ? "
" What do I mean by that prevarication ? "
" Yes ; you need not repeat my question. What do you
mean by that prevarication ? "
" Well, I'm sure I saw him there."
"You swear it?"
" Yes."
"Are you aware you are liable to be committed for
contempt of court for prevaricating in that manner? "
The witness was not aware of it ; in fact, it was showing
matters to him in a new light, and, if looks are at aU to be
depended upon, it was one the reverse of rosy.
A strange variety of witnesses have to be dealt with by
the legal gentlemen. There is the willing witness, one
who is glad to attend for the sake of the money he gets as
expenses, who gives his evidence in a reckless, and not
always satisfactory manner ; and is quite prepared, if not
to swear falsely, at least so to exaggerate the truth, that
it almost amounts to it. He may be known by the fiip-
pancy of his answers, and the doggedness with which he
sticks to what he has once said.

The Police Courts. 45
There is tho, unwilling witness, who only attends
because he cannot well keep away, who gives his evidence
in a nervous, timorous manner, and while in that state can
be badgered into saying anything the opposing lawyer
wishes. There is the unfriendly witness, who will not
speak one word till he gets his expenses, and when he does
open his mouth he frequently does the side that brought
him to court more harm than good. Then there is the
witness of the non mi ricordo type, who is always unable
just then to " charge his memory " -vnth some fact he
knows as weU as he does which is his right hand. It
requires a considerable amount of nerve to play the part
of this -witness. If he were at all timid he would speedily
collapse, and perhaps find himself on the -wrong side of the
prison waUs. All the browbeating of counsel, or attorney,
is completely thrown away upon him. In vain does the
judge or magistrate fro-wn, and tell him to be careful of his
answers. He is careful, and his care consists in not
saying anything damaging to the side he appears for.
Some witnesses bellow out loud enough to be heard
outside the court ; others speak in such low tones that'they
have constantly to be told to speak up. Some kiss the
book -with a loud smack ; others just put it to their lips ;
and some, whose religious scruples stand in the way of
their taking oaths, have been known to compound with
their consciences, by kissing their thumbs instead of the
book.

46 Lights and Shadoivs of Melbourne Life.

PUBLICANS AND SINNEES.
This paper does not treat of publicans and sinners in the
Biblical sense, but as we see them in the flesh at the
present day in Melbourne.
The pu'blican of old was hated and despised by every
class of society. For why? He held the office of the
modern tax-gatherer, and as such exacted his dues in a
harsh, unfeeling, and often cruel manner. The pubUcan of
to-day is neither harsh nor cruel, but is quite as unfeeUng
as the one of old. In those times he only exacted rnoney,
and with that the troubles of those who had to pay it
ended. Nowadays, paying the money is the least part
of the evil, as they get that in retum which frequently
brings with it poverty, madness, and death.
Many of the modern pubUcans are good fellows enough
outside their business — loving husbands, good fathers,
and ' trustworthy friends. Moreover, they always put
something into the poor-box when they get thefr licences
renewed, and it is as well they should do so, for it is the
keeping them in prosperity that, in a great measure,
makes that poor-box necessary.
What a contrast there is between the pubUcan and the
sinner. Look on the rags and unmistakable poverty of
the one, and on the smug look of prosperity there is about
the other. Notice him, as he stands' in the door-way
waiting for customers, just as a spider awaits, in some
corner of his web, the advent of unwary flies ; his two
thumbs stuck in the arm-holes of his waistcoat, displaying
his thick flabby fingers encircled with rings ; a massive
gold watch-guard, with its pendant trinkets, hanging in
front of his white vest, while his snowy shirt-front is
ornamented -with gold studs, with a small diamond in the
centre.

Publicans and Sinners. 47
A customer now comes in, with whom he enters into
conversation with a considerable amount of bonhomie.
The weather is the first topic, and the probability of a
fine day at Flemington is the next. The customer calls
for a glass of ale, which he gets and pays for. The
conversation now branches off into politics, a subject the
customer gets rather warm upon, which necessitates
another glass of ale. When that is finished and he is
preparing to leave, the publican proposes a " shake " for
drinks, which means a game called " Yankee grab," played
¦with dice. The sinner, already pinned with two glasses
of ale, is not likely to refuse, and that the publican knows
right weU. They throw, and the latter loses. Not liking
to leave off -without giving the publican his revenge, the
other proposes another game and other drinks. A mutual
acquaintance may now drop in, when he is invited to join
in the play, which he does. So they keep on playing and
drinking till their brains become muddled, and they them
selves rendered unfit for the proper discharge of their
daUy business.
The barmaid now relieves the landlord from attendance
in the bar. Let us see what she is like. There is a
pecuUarity about barmaids which marks them distinctly as
a class. It is difficult to say what it is. It is independent
of form, or height, or complexion. Let them dress as
they like, in whatever fashion or colour they choose, the
barmaid is seen through all, whether she be doing the
block or adding brilUancy to the dress-circle of the
theatre. There is an exaggerated kind of head-dress in
favour -with some ; others have the hair cropped close like
a boy's, with a few frontal curls left to show the
femininity of the wearers. In business time they mostly
affect black , lustre dresses, some worn plain and some
trimmed in colours according to the taste or complexion of
the wearers. As one might imagine, from the nature
of their employment, some of these young ladies acquire a
boldness of manner that is apt to leave an unfavourable
impression upon the minds of those who believe that
lovely woman's brightest jewel is modesty. Others
become chatty, and a_ trifle slangy, but at the same time
they maintain a modest demeanour, bearing in mind that
it is just possible Sn&i one or other of their many
admirers may one day propose, as is not unfrequently

48 Lights and Shadows of Melbourne Life.
done. They are showy in appearance, and some of them
possess pretty faces and nice figures, though hardly such
as a painter would choose as models for a Madonna.
They are great in eamngs, and usually flash a pair
presented to them by some soft-hearted member of their
strings. Each of these barmaids has a number of admirers
called her " string," and the longer that string is, the
higher she stands in her employer's estimation.
A little girl, bare-footed and bare-legged, whose only
clothing, it is easy to see, consists of a shift covered by a
ragged frock, now enters with a black smoked billy in her
hand, and asks for sixpenny worth of beer. 'From the
confident way in which she asks to be served, it is evidently
not the first time she has been there. Let us follow her
to her home. A few steps from the hotel is a right-of-way.
A short distance down that a "place" branches off, on
one side of which are three miserable hovels, once two-
roomed cottages ; now they merely look Uke some pieces
of old quartering stuck on end and kept in position by
weather-boards nailed to them. The roof consists of old
shingle, zinc case-linings, and flattened out kerosene tins,
the whole kept from blowing away by the weight of some
large lumps of bluestone. There was once a -window to
each room, now the glass is replaced by paper. There is a
door which answers its purpose, when you can coax it to
shut, which is rather a difficult matter, but that is nothing
compared with the amount of persuasion necessary to get
it to open again. The inside was once canvassed and.
papered, now the canvas and paper hang in festoons from
ceiling and walls, showing the blue sky above and the
rotting weather-boards at the sides. The holes in the
roof are not an unmitigated evil, however, for although
they let in the rain, they let out the fetid atmosphere
arising from the bodies of those who dwell within. The
furniture of that house is such as one might expect to find
there. A few rags strewn in a comer answer for a bed ;
an empty case in the middle of the room does duty as a
table ; while two gin-cases are equaUy serviceable as
chairs. A few broken plates, a pie dish, -with part of the
rim knocked off, and two or three knives and forks, some
minus the handle, lie on a dirty shelf. A tea-cup without
. a handle and a small jam-tin, used as drinking vessels,
are placed upon the case in the middle of the room along

Publicans and Sinners, 49
with the before-mentioned billy. In the fire-place, which
is merely an assemblage of loose bricks, a large saucepan
holds itself in readiness tq cook whatever may be put into
it ; and by the side of it lies a broken- winded pair of
beUows without a nozzle, which doubtless came off in
some row, for that useful article of furniture, if grasped
by the iron tube, is very effective in the enforcement of
arguments when words are not sufficiently convincing.
The occupants of that house harmonise in every way
with the house itself. A man is lying stretched upon the
floor smoking ; a woman occupies each gin-case, and
another squats upon the floor; as miserable and as
disreputable a quartette as could be seen in the colony.
The little girl is evidently the daughter of the house — the
man being her father, and the woman squatting on the
floor her mother. The other two are neighbours who
have just dropped in to have a carouse. The little gfrl
having placed the billy upon the case, is gone into the
right-of-way to play till she is wanted to fetch more beer ;
and weU for her it is she is not in such company, for the
language uttered there is simply awful. Imprecations
are called down upon the head of some one who is evidently
in bad odour -with, at least, three out of the four. The
fourth feebly tries to take his part, but is borne do-wn by
numbers, but in a half-good-humoured manner, for they
are, as yet, early on their drinking bout. By-and-bye,
¦wjhen the beer begins to take effect, the good humour now
prevaUing will be changed to fury, when bitter words
¦wiU be replied to by cruel blows ; and a scene that opened
-with every appearance of friendship and goodwill, will
be closed by an exhibition of the most brutal and fiendish
passion. Let us now return to the pubUc-house.
At the side of the house is a passage with a smaU
sliding door opening into the bar, through which the
customers can put their bottles or jugs, and get what
they want without being seen by those in front of the
bar. A respectable-looking woman, evidently a working-
man's wife, puts a jug through the trap and asks for three
pennyworth of beer, having obtained which she covers
the jug with her apron and takes it home.
Asmodeus-Uke, we -will look into her home. It is just
the sort of place one would expect to see where a woman

50 Lights and Shadows of Melbourne Life,
who " likes her beer " is the presiding genius. The
husband having to be at work by eight, has his breakfast
a little after seven. It is now past eleven, and the break
fast things are not yet cleared away, neither is the bed
room touched, nor any of the household work done. How
the time has been spent is clearly shown by a newspaper
lying on the table, with a red-and-yellow covered sen
sational novel by the side of it.
A friend has dropped in, for these women who are fond
of beer mutually visit at each other's houses to have a
quiet glass, and discuss the affairs of some mutual acquain
tance. As slander requires something to wash it down,
more beer is sent for ; thus the day is muddled away
with no-Fcl-reading, drinking, and gossip, tUl she has to
hurry on with the preparation of dinner for her husband,
who returns home shortly after five.
Back again to the hotel. It is now late in the' evening,
and the barmaid looks resplendent in the gas-light. The
mountain of hair on her head has been made smooth, the
black jet earrings and brooch have been replaced by gold
ones, and an additional ring graces her fingers. The
black lustre dress, with its green trimming, is stUl
retained, and a piece of scarlet ribbon is intertwined in
her hair ; while her complexion is as fresh and natural as
violet powder and carmine can make it.
A fast-looking young feUow, who is evidently on good
terms with the barmaid, whom he calls " Polly," now
comes in. He shakes hands with her, and asks how she
" sagaciates." She assures him she is quite " salubrious,"
and hopes he is in a " perfect state " himself. He gives
her to understand that he only needed one thing to make
his happiness complete, and that was the knowledge that
she was " to rights," and having ascertained that, he has
• nothing more to wish for except a drink. On being
handed the bottle and glass to help himself, he assures the,
smiling barmaid that the gods themselves were never
better served, and that Hebe was not a " patch " upon her.
Having delivered himself thus, he winds up by insinuating
that, although she is in health and appearance as near
perfection as possible, a thimbleful might do her good.
She is of the same opinion herself, and pours out of a
decanter a small glass of a palish-coloured liquid which
she drinks, and for which her admirer, or, as she calls

Publicans and Sinners. 51
him, her " bloke," pays sixpence. It may interest some
to know that the pale-coloured liquid Polly drinks is
neither more nor less than cold weak tea. If she were to
drink only a sip of wine or spirits every time she is asked,
' she would requfre a head as well-seasoned as a brandy
cask to stand it. And if she were to refuse to imbibe
when invited to do so, her employer would teU her she
was taking a "shingle off his roof," a proceeding he
strongly objects to ; so to keep on good terms with him,
and retain her faculties till bed-time, she drinks cold
tea. Boniface himself does the same thing when any of his
customers pay him to drink a little of his own stuff, or
when he " shakes" them for drinks.
What can be said of the poor guU who has not sense
enough to see how he is tricked and laughed at by Polly ?
He fancies he has the exclusive good-will of that damsel
instead of being only one of a dozen. He buys her
jeweUery, and takes her out as often as she wiU let him,
which means, when she cannot do better by going -with
some one else; for, be it understood, she is most con
descending to those who are the most liberal.
He stands there chatting and consuming his nobblers
tUl he fancies he has had enough, when, -wishing PoUy
"affectionately good-bye, he departs.
We wiU foUow our typical sinner to the end of his
career, and show how, lured on by drink and designing
barmaids, he descended step by step into the abyss of
misery and degradation. This is no fancy sketch, but is
taken from actual Ufe, and is only one instance of many
that have happened, andj,re happening at this moment,
in Melbourne.
He held a good position in a well-known firm, with a
prospect of rising to a better. The first time his fr-regu-
larities were brought under the notice of his principal, he
received a kind admonition. The second time he was
warned that its repetition would be followed by instant
dismissal. The third time, notwithstanding a fervent
promise of amendment from himself, and the intercession
of friends, he was dismissed. For some time that had a
steadying effect upon him, and his friends began to hope.
Then Polly regained her sway over him, and he sank
lower. After being out of a situation for some time, he
E 2

52 Lights and Shadows of Melbourne Life.
got another billet, and he might even then have regained
his former position had he kept straight. Things went
on better at first, but only for a short time, and he lost
that in the same way he had lost the others. Soon, a
change was visible in his appearance. His clothes, in
which he once took so much pride, now get shabby; his
boots are burst at the sides, and down at heel ; his linen,
once so faultless, is now more than doubtful ; and his
gloves, which he still affects, are not nearly so nice looking
as they once were.
Polly sees the alteration in his circumstances as soon as
anyone, and draws off accordingly. The sixpenny nobbier
of pale brandy is now altered to threepennyworth of rum,
and the glass of EngUsh ale, or stout, to half-a-pint of
beer. After repeated attempts to reclaim him, his friends
have been compelled to tum their back upon him.
Lower and lower he sinks, till he becomes the companion
of the most abandoned. Lower, and stUl lower, tUl even
they look upon him with contempt. Lower, and yet
lower, tUl he settles down amongst the lowest dregs,
where he, the educated, and once respectable, lies festering
tiU death terminates a life whose early promise had been
so woefully unfulfilled. How he came by his end may be
seen in any of the morning papers., " As some boys were
fishing close to the Falls Bridge, they saw the body of a
man floating in the river. Tt was got ashore, and removed
to the morgue, where it awaits identification."
Did Polly see that paragraph? If she did, was her
heart at all moved by pity for one she had so greatly
helped along the road to ruin? Or did she dismiss him
from her mind with the remark usual when such things
happen ? " What a fool he has been ! How weU he
might have done, if he had only kept ' square ' ! "
It is novsr later in the evening, and the landlady graces
the bar with her presence. No black lustre dress trimmed
with green does for her ; neither does she flaunt the
scarlet ribbon ; but silks of the dearest, and jewellery the
most recherche, are caUed in to set off her substantial,
though somewhat vulgar, charms.
She helps in the bar now, that Polly may have a little
more time to attend to her "string," numbeis of whom
flock iu as the night advances. The mistress has a

Puhlieans and Sinners.

repartee for one, a joke for another, and a smile for all —
and such a smile! A face lit up by smiles is usually
pleasant to look upon, but a smile on hers means misery
elsewhere. She smiles upon the working-man while he
is spending the money that should go to the sustenance
of his family, and she smiles upon the poor care-worn wife
who comes there with her children to try to get him home.
She smiles upon these ragged and famishing children,
while mentally thanking God her o-wn are not like them ;
.and she smiles, aye 1 and sweetly too, upon the dissolute
wife of a respectable man, while she is disgracing herself,
and bringing certain ruin upon her husband.
Glasses of ale and spirits now circulate pretty freely,
and as often as asked, Polly takes her nobbier of cold tea,
which is so often that it ought to strike the poor fools,
-s\'ho pay sixpence every time she condescends to drink, as
singular that one so young can drink so much without
showing it. But the day -will come when the cold tea
wiU be put aside for something stronger, weak enough at
first, but gradually increasing in strength, till she becomes
a confirmed toper.
At 11.30 the publican turns the sinners into the street,
and closes the door. He and his wife now sit down, and
count the takings, which have to-day been good, quite up
to the average, and he rejoices accordingly. The business
of the day over, the smiling pair finish off with a com
fortable supper of cold fowl, or oysters, washed down -with
bottled stout. Nothing has occurred during the day to
disturb their minds or impair their appetites, so the good
things before them disappear with astonishing rapidity.
A sufficient amount of solids, with liquid in proportion,
having been despatched, they wind up with a " nip," and
retire to bed, with an inward sensation of comfort, and in
good humour -with the world at large.

54 Lights and Shadows of Melbourne Life,

THE EACES, -
Wherever a community of the Anglo-Saxon race pitch
their tents, one of the first things they think of is a race
course. In selecting the one for Melbourne, the gentle
men appointed for the purpose knew perfectly weU what
they were about when they chose the ground at Fleming-
ton. It is in every way suited to the purpose — as much
so, as though it had been made to order. Horsey men say
it can't be "beat." It is to Melbourne what Sydney
Harbour is to that city, something to "blow" about. It
is spacious and level, the circular course being ample to
try the powers of the contending horses, whUe the
" straight " is of sufficient length to give the best one a
"show" for the first place. It is surrounded by hUls, so
that the thousands who annually attend the races can see
the running from start to finish.
The "La-wn," on a fine day, is something to look at.
It is a living kaleidoscope of magnificent dresses, of all
materials, and every possible colour. The grand stands,
as they are facetiously called, are not remarkable either
for architectural beautjr, or as comfortable places to sit in
for four or five hours at a stretch, but they give a good
view of the race, and thereby answer their intended
purpose. They are four in number, one for members of
the Jookey Club, and three for the public ; in the principal
one of which are two viceregal boxes. Under this stand
are the luncheon-rooms and bars, where the hungry and
thirsty can satisfy their wants if they can get near enough
to the tables to be served before it's time to start for home.
The luncheon hour in the open sheds erected in the
carriage paddock, is the joUiest part of the business. It
is then care and anxiety are left at home, or in the
office ; and friends crack jokes and bottles of champagne

The Races. 55

at the same time. The ladies enjoy themselves with an
abandon they would never think of displaying at home.
They talk and laugh with their pretty mouths full of
turkey, and drink their champagne as though they liked
it. People who at other times are very careful as to
what they eat and drink, dismiss their caution on these
occasions, and store up a full day's repentance for the
morrow. Some parties take their lunch in their carriages, the-
ladies seated and the gentlemen helping them to the
various good things spread out on a table-cloth on the
grass. These, too, are jolly, and their jollity springs as
much from the surroundings, as it does from the cham
pagne, for aU who can afford it, and many who cannot,
indulge at race time in that sparkUng fluid. Others of
the less wealthy, enjoy their fowl, or ham-sandwich; and
they laugh, and joke, and quaff their bottled beer, and sip
their whiskey, and get up their " sweeps," with the same
utter disregard of everything but the enjoyment of the
passing hour.
Having lunched, and laughed to their heart's content,
they all return to the stand to watch the running for the
" Cup," in which all are interested, either by bet or sweep.
Then, a gUmpse may be caught of colonial " high life
below stairs," when " Jeames " and tho coachman and
groom, before thej' repack the hamper with the uncon-
sumed good things, and remove the half-emptied bottles,
seat themselves at the tables and partake of lunch with, if
possible, more enjoyment than that manifested by their
"betters." These after-feeds, however, do not always
end happily ; for, the convivialists, who have been more
accustomed to colonial ale than to any other beverage,
finding the champagne an agreeable change, indulge
pretty freely in it, without making sufficient aUowance
for the difference in the strength of the two liquids ; with
the result that, they^sometimes have to be driven home
- themselves, instead of performing that office for their
employers. The " Hill " at the back of the grand stand, is patronised
by those who cannot afford to go to the Lawn. That, too,
has its grand stand, from which a better view of the race
can be obtained than from any point on the Lawn. It is a
sight to see the HUl from the " Flat," or front of the

56 Lights and Shadows of Melbourne Life.
Lawn, while the " Cup " is being run for. It appears to be
a solid mass of human faces piled on the . top of one
another, with their eyes fixed with an earnest gaze upon
the crowd of rushing horses ; while the roar from the
many thousand throats, towards the finish of the race, is
almost sufficient to shake the hill to its foundation. The
small fry of the tribe of metallicians do their business on
the Hill, always on strictly cash principles, in so. far as
being their own stakeholders ; but some of them are not
unfrequently absent from their posts when the backers of
the winning horses go to look for them.
The frequenters of the "HiU" indulge largely in
shilling and half-crown sweeps, and that gives them as
much interest in the race as that felt by the sharers in
the pound sweeps on the Lawn.
The " Flat " is free to all, consequently it is greatly
affected by the poorer portion of the admirers of the turf,
who flock thither in thousands, and invest their shilUngs
in sweeps got up for their delectation by grotesquely-
dressed men, and by individuals with blackened faces.
The reason these latter thus disfigure themselves is, that
they may be recognisable by the clients who have been
lucky enough to draw the winning horses.
It is on the " Flat " the magsmen manipulate the three
cards, and thimble, and in various other ways exploiter
the bipedal flats who are foolish enough to back their luck
against the spieler's wits. It is rather risky work for
these nimble-fingered gentlemen nowadays, fur the
detectives and plain-clothes constables keep too sharp a
look-out for them to give them a chance of operating in
the wholesale manner they used to do.
More fun is seen on the Flat than on the La-wn, or on
the Hill, for Mrs. Grundy is still a power among [the
frequenters of these latter places, even at race time. The
flatites, however, have never heard of the good lady, or, if
they have, they care very Uttle about any opinion she
might form of thefr doings. They go there to enjoy
themselves in the way most agreeable to themselves, and
by the aid of the many drinking booths there, they usuaUy
succeed in doing so.
Although racing is so popular among the English-
speaking inhabitants of the world, it has its opponents,
as well as its admirers. The latter say it improves tha

The Baces. 57

breed of horses, while the former maintain it deteriorates
the breed of men, by converting those who might other
wise be honest men into blacklegs and sharpers.
Whether the equine race is improved by one horse being
trained to excel another in speed, or the human race
deteriorates by one man training himself to excel another
in wit, we will leave the disputants to settle among
themselves, and confine this paper to a description of the
sort of people who go to the races, and what may be seen
at these annual gatherings.
The late Lord Palmerston spoke wisely when he called
the English racing festival " Our Isthmian Games," for
the one is as popular with the Briton of to-day, as the
national gathering on the Isthmus of Corinth was to the '
Greek of old, the only difference being, that while our
festival is annual, the other was held once in three years.
What the English folk would do if they had to wait three
years for their races, is hard to say ; for, as it is, they are
looked forward to with impatience by many as a time of
relaxation, or pleasure, or gain, or all combined. Then it
is that the various games of wit versus folly are in full
swing, for it is the harvest time of the sharps, and the
season when pigeons yield their feathers more readily
than usual.
At that time may be seen hard-headed men of business,
proverbially shrewd, and the least likely ones in the
world to be outwitted at any other time, infected with the
excitement of the moment, and betting with all the
enthusiasm of the merest greenhorn ; and when they see
they have lost, they smile as though it was the best joke
imaginable, or wash down their chagrin in a glass of
champagne. Sober, steady-going, religious men, who
detest gambUng as much as they can detest anything,
think there is no harm, at this time, in relaxing somewhat
of thefr usual rigidity, and pacify their consciences with
the proverb that " It's not wise to keep the bow always
bent." At this time, also, are to be found fast young men, who
think it quite " the cheese " to be seen in the company of
the knowing ones, whose " tips " they act upon with
childish simplicity, and when they find they have lost,
they exercise the little inteUect they possess in trying to
make out how it was they didn't win. These form rather

58 Lights and Shadows of Melbourne Life.
a numerous class, who think to be well posted in the
names of the horses, is to have an intimate knowledge of
the horses themselves, though, poor donkeys, they-know
as much about their equine superiors, as they do of Hindu
stani ; nevertheless, they are to be seen in the centre of
small crowds talking " horse " with all the dogmatism of
old stable hands.
Men holding respectable and lucrative situationSr but
gamblers by instinct, anxiously look forward to the racing
season, when they hope, by a stroke of fortune, to make
good their losses at cards, or dice, which will enable them
to replace the money they have embezzled, when they
will leave off gambling altogether, and never take to it
again. But if they cannot win at games of chance, when
what is called " luck " might at any time throw the ^ame
into their hands, in spite of the skUl and knavery opposed
to them, they are not likely to do so when skUl and
knavery are alone pitted against them. So the inevitable
crash comes ; and as the gaol opens its portals to receive
them, they realise the fact that seeing Ufe, and fast Uving,
are not always conducive to a man's happiness.
Heavy swells in the enjoyment of magnificent " screws "
of thirty " bob " a week now scrape sundry half-cro-wns
together and take all manner of odds on all manner of
events. The only event they do not speculate upon is the
one most likely to come off — their losing. Hobbledehoys,
whose wages range from ten to fifteen shilUngs per week,
bet in the hope that they may " pull off" some event, by
which] they raay line their pocket with a few shilUngs,
and have something self-laudatory to talk about among
their comrades. Shop-boys, led away \>y the example of
so many of their elders, are also seized with the desire of
betting, and to obtain the means of gratifying that desire,
they commence a life of crime, by pilfering their master's
money. The ladies, too, partake of the general excitement, and
bet largely in gloves and handkerchiefs, though, we are
sorry to say, they are inveterate " welchers," for when
they lose, the last thing they ever think about is paying ;
yet. Shy lock himself was not more persistent in demanding
his pound of flesh than they are in claiming their win
nings. For all that, being " mashed " by such interesting
blacklegs is rather delightful than otherwise. •

The Races. 59

The races are also looked forward to hy a class of men
of a far different stamp than the general run of those who
visit them. We aUude to what are called " magsmen " or
" spielers," from the German verb " spielen,!' to play. As
a rule they are not remarkable for elegance, either of
manner or appearance. They dress anyhow, but alwajs
¦with a striet regard to untidiness. Every style of gar
ment is patronised by them, colour being as little studied
as shape, and fit thought no more of than either. Their
hats and boots harmonise with the rest of their covering,
and they usually wear a figured shawl-scarf round their
throats, instead of a necktie. There is a fishy look about
them, real as well as metaphorical, which shows they
sometimes turn their hands to honest employment. In
the moming they may be seen about town, engaged in
some Une connected with the hawking interest ; in the
afternoon, their favotirite pastime is loafing about the
different lanes and rights-of-way of the city ; and at night
they may be seen hanging round certain public-houses in
Bourke Street.
There is a " Je ne sais quoi " about these men that dis
tinguish them from the rest of mankind. What it is we
cannot describe, but it is something in their looks and
manner, independent of any personal trait, that ought to
make the most verdant of yokels button up his pocket
when in their company. They have, moreover, a quick,
shifty glance, a ceaseless movement of the hands, and
many other peculiarities that are sure indications of an
active mind, and one that is only exercised for their own
exclusive benefit. The only interest they take in the
races is, that the latter are the means of bringing a num
ber of people together, among whom they calculate there
wiU be a certain percentage of fools, out of whom they
expect to extract as much " sugar " as will keep them in
clover for months to come.
It is a matter of the most perfect indifference to them
which horse wins, as they never bet. They come there
to back their own wits against other people's, and, as the
odds on that event are so much in their favour, they let
well alone. If the result of the race depended upon the
strength and activity of the horse's own four legs, they
might perhaps speculate, but as they are much too wide
awake not to know that other " legs " besides the horse's

60 Lights and Shadows of Melbourne Life.
have a deal to do with the running and the winning,
they fight very shy of risking any money on such un
certain undertakings, tip or no tip.
There are in society a certain number of men who have
a very comfortable belief in their own cleverness. These
men are called by magsmen " fly flats," and are just the
ones they like to get hold of, for they are the easiest of all
to be duped. When that belief is backed up, as it
frequently is, by an avaricious disposition, they cannot
resist the temptation of making money by means that, to
them, seem perfectly correct, though to others with minds
differently constituted, they would appear the reverse of
creditable. They are never above taking advantage of
the want of wisdom in those they have dealings with —
nay, they look upon it as laudable, and -wUl often boast of
it afterwards, as though they had done something uncom
monly smart. Theyare so intent upon "besting" thefr
opponents, that the idea of others being animated by
the same benevolent intention towards themselves, never
for a moment enters their minds, so they neglect the
precautions necessary to guard against it, and thus they
fall a prey to men whose principles are no worse than
their own, only their wits are a great deal keener.
There is another class of men so simple and confiding
in their natures, that experience has no effect upon them
whatever. It matters not how often they are " done,"
they appear to be as powerless to keep their money as
sheep are to retain their wool when shearing time comes
round, though the fleecing in one case is done in a less
violent manner than in the other. These men are called
" mugs," and furnish a very large proportion of those who
keep magsmen going.
There are also some, who cannot altogether be ranked
as fools, who mix themselves up with the sports for the
sake of amusement, caring but little whether they win or
lose — only they prefer winning.
It is both difficult and dangerous for the spielers to ply
their various callings at race gatherings now, owing to
the sharp look-out kept for them by the plain-clothes
police. Sharp as it may be, however, the " piping " of
the gamblers is quite as keen for the police. They have
their signals, and their words of warning, which are
passed rapidly along by their scouts, and reach the

The Baces. 61

parties they are intended for long before the police can.
A magsman, in the centre of a group composed of " mugs "
and "buttons," hears the word " Nit." In, an instant the
cards, and the small board on which theyare manipulated,
disappear as if by magic, and the player strolls away
looking as innocent as though he hadn't touched a card
for a month. With all their cunning, however, they are
sometimes caught in flagrante delicto, and sent to crack
diamonds inside the -walls of Her Majesty's gaol for a
month.

62 Lights and Shadows of Melbourne Life.

THE "z;oo."
From the earUest ages nations have had a fancy for
gathering wild animals together. Darius must have had
a menagerie, or he could not have cast Daniel into the
lion's den. The Eomans, too, kept wUd beasts, but not
merely to look at, and study in their cages — that was far
too tame an amusement to satisfy their active minds ; they
preferred the excitement of seeing the animals fight, either
with one another, or with men.
The custom of keeping wild animals, is as popular in
modern times as it was in the olden. "Who does not
remember Wombwell's Menagerie, with its great variety
of wild beasts, and the docile elephants that would
trumpet forth their thanks for the apples, or cakes, their
juvenile admirers were so fond of giving them. There
used to be " the lions in the Tower," and other animals,
too, till they were removed to the Zoological Gardens, in
the Eegent's Park.
In Paris they have the " Jardin des Plantes," where
they keep a fine assortment of wUd nature. In Beirlin,
the " Thier-garten " is rich in the number and variety of
its specimens of the animal vi^orld. We, in foUowing such
a good lead, show ourselves equally desirous of having the
same means of amusement and instruction, for the two go
together ; though our display is not yet equal to those of
the older countries of Europe, as menageries, like nations,
usually have small beginnings. By-and-bye, as our
country becomes more peopled, our " Zoo " will become
more populous also.
The gardens are prettily situated in what is called the
Eoyal Park. The first thing that catches the -visitor's ey©
on entering is a group of parrots, of many colours and
various sizes. They are all capital talkers, but, unlike
most parrots, they have been taught by one of their owu

The "Zoo." 63

kind, a loqacious old fellow in whose company they were
placed when they first arrived at the gardens.
On the right of the entrance is the place for refresh
ment, where the inner man can be " restored " on cakes
and teetotal drinks, or, if he prefer it, new milk at two
pence per tumbler. Eight cows are kept to supply the
visitors with the lacteal, four of which always stand in
their staUs in full milking condition.
The gardens are well arranged, and extensive enough
to hold aU the animals we are likely to get for generations
to come.
The flower-beds are kept free from weeds, and the
walks free from litter, while the general management
appears to be such that the imprisoned animals would
have rather a pleasant time of it, if they could only
forget that they were once free, for the love of liberty
is common to birds and beasts, as well as to man.
The animals that get the largest share of attention from
the -visitors to our " Zoo " are the lions and the monkeys — ¦
the subUme and the ridiculous of the /eras naturse. The
monkeys receive by far the greater notice, which shows
that there, as is frequently the case in civilised Ufe, the
subUme has to play second fiddle to the ridiculous.
Lord Monboddo said that the only difference between
the man and the monkey was, that the man's tail grew
inwards, and the monkey's outwards. Whether his lord
ship was right or not, need not be argued here, but it is
very evident the dissimilarity in some other respects is
not so great as it is in the one he has mentioned. For
instance, when a monkey sees another with anything he
fancies he should like, and he is strong enough, he takes
it. That has always been one of the peculiarities of man.
From the earUest ages it has been a maxim that no man
has a right to more than he can keep. Certainly, the la-w
objects to that theory, unless it is first of all consulted ;
then it frequently acknowledges the soundness of the
/ jprinciple, by reducing it to practice. Another feature
common to both is, when one is down, there are not
wanting plenty to pitch into him ; only monkeys do it
with their teeth and claws, while men do it with their
tongues. Monkeys also have a way of prying into things.
that do not concern them ; a similar weakness may be
discovered in some men.

64 Lights and Shadows of Melbourne Life.
It is as amusing to watch the visitors round the monkey
house as it is to observe the inmates themselves. The
children laugh at their antics, and recognise in them
fellow beings. Their elders look amused, and smile as
the mind carries them back to their own monkey days ;
while others have a serious look, as though they were
admitting to themselves that, perhaps, after aU Darwin
is right.The simia is pretty well represented in these gardens.
There is an orang-outang who walks about very much Uke
an old man, and is quite as good-looking as some old men
we see in the streets. There is something particularly
droU about this old gentleman. He drinks out of a bottle
or pannikin like a man, and prefers beer to water. When
being brought over, the sailors used to make him drunk,
for the fun of the thing, and the antics he would indulge
in when in that state were very similar to those of the
" exhilarated " human being.
In the same cage are the " drill monkey," the most
active of all the simian race, and the " whistling monkey,"
the latter perpetually emitting a short sharp whistle.
When we saw him in his cage, and heard the laughing
jackass in his close by, we thought what a pity it was
some of the laughing jackasses and whistling monkeys
we have in society were not here to keep them company.
There are many more monkeys to be seen in these
gardens, among which are the " agile gibbon," and the
" lemur," of nocturnal habits, and with a muzzle Uke a
fox's. A little further on may be seen many fine specimens of
the feline race, ' notably two lions — one a magnificent
brute, though now well advanced in years. The poor
fellow is a widower, the late very much lamented Mrs.
Leo having departed this life about two years ago.
This king of beasts has a look of mildness and dignity
about him not always to be seen in the faces of the kings
of men, if their portraits are to be depended upon.
While noticing his powerful limbs, one cannot help
reflecting on the vast superiority of mind over matter.
How many men, unaided by art, would it requfre to take,
and keep, this lion in subjection ? Of 'what avail would
their feelsle strength and puny hands be against his
mighty limbs and terrible claws? Man may boast of

The "Zoo." 65

being lord of all created things, he may glory in the
possession of an intellect that enables him to control the
Ughtning ; he may feel proud in the power given by faith,
which assures him that if he says to the mountain, " Be
thou removed," it will forthwith disappear, and he may
contemplate with pleasure the mighty animals he has
brought under his dominion ; but, in a state of nature,
face to face -vrith that lion, he would be as powerless as a
kitten before the onslaught of a bulldog. The constant
walking backwards and forwards before those iron bars
must, in time, have a bad effect upon the sight ; and the
hard, unyielding boards must be Ul-suited to feet intended
by nature to walk over the springy sod.
Close by are leopards, pumas, and tigers. One of the
latter, and the finest of all, took it into his head one day
to kUl his spouse, an act he has, doubtless, since regretted,
for one in his position cannot afford to lose his only com
panion, and she the sharer of his joys and sorrows; for
that tigers have joys to share is shown plainly enough
when in thefr playful moods ; and it is hard to believe
they do not know what sorrow is, when thinking of their
native jungle. There are, also, belonging to this class
the Tasmanian de-vil, quite as vicious looking as the per
sonage he is named after is supposed to be ; the savage
jungle cat, our native cat, and the chaus cat.
The canine race is represented by some hybrid wolves,
the offspring of an Esquimaux dog and the common
black wolf; the prafrie wolf, the marsupial wolf from
Tasmania, dogs like racoons, two mild-looking dingoes,
and a brown English fox.
Of the ursine species there are some black Hima
layan bears in cages, and two brown ones in a pit ;
whUe the porcine is represented by some wild boars of
India. Of the order reptilia there are the rock python, the
terrible boa constrictor, cartet, diamond, copper-head, and
tiger snakes ; the blue-tongued lizard, lizards of all kinds,
and one large iguana.
Of the feathered tribe there is a fine display. Song
birds of various plumage are confined in a large aviary,
and in the melody issuing therefrom raay be heard the
well-remembered notes of inany English birds. They
breed weU, but the gentlemen do not confine their atten-
F

66 Lights and Shadows of Melbourne Idfe,
tion to the ladies of thefr own kind, with the result that^
the progeny is rather a mixed one.
Eiagles and vultures confined in large compartments
covered with wire netting eye the visitors in no friendly
manner. One magnificent specimen of the condor would
measure thirteen or fourteen feet from tip to tip of wings,
and, when standing, he must be four feet in height.
There are the wedge-tailed eagle, the white-biUed sea-
eagle, and a whistling eagle.
There, are Java pea-fowls, and pea-fowls from every
where else. Geese from Bass's Straits, the demoiselle
crane, and the long slender-legged flamingo.
' Grave-looking owls sit blinking on their perches, -with
the solemn look of a judge about to pass a sentence of death.
Native companions and emus, the ostrich and the
cassowarry, wander about in their large enclosures in an
aimless ^ort of manner.
In another enclosure, with a pond in the centre, are
four fine pelicans constantly on the look-out for fish.
Macaws and parrots, from those of the most gorgeous
plumage to the pure white ; peacocks, pheasants, part
ridges, ducks of e-very kind, the cro-wned pigeon, the lyre
bfrd, and every other specimen of the feathered tribe may
be seen in our " Zoo."
A specimen of almost every kno-wn variety of the
homed animal has found jts way to these gardens. The
curved-horned mouffl a, the Burrtel wild sheep, the^ibex,
llama, and the yak. In their paddock are the tame and
gentle deer, pushing their moist noses through the fence
to receive anything in the shape of fruit the visitors
choose to give them.
Here too are the water buffaloes, indulging in a bath,
with only their noses out of the water ; and buffaloes of
every other description disport themselves in a manner
most to their own Uking.
Truly a strange and varied assortment of Uving
creatures have been gathered together in this place. A
land tortoise, almost as large as a full-grown turtle, s-wims
about in a tank ; there are wombats, fawn-coloured field-
mice, as large as small rats ; white rats, bred for feeding
the boas, and other large snakes ; and -the black Angora
guinea-pig, also cultivated for the delectation of the
snakes.

The "Zoo." 67

There are beavers, and beaver rats — the latter just like
the common rat, only ten times its size. Guinea-pigs of
the ordinary kind dwell together in harmony in a minia
ture cottage called " Guinea-pig Cottage," and another
kind of guinea-pigs live in a small red-brick castle,
built for thefr special use. Some white rabbits inhabit a
log hut, similar to those the old backwoodsmen of America
delighted in. There may also be seen there a hybrid
between a hare and a rabbit.
The porcupines display their fretfulness by trying to
keep out of sight as much as possible ; and the ant-eating
porcupines have plenty of occupation in searching for
ants in their cage, the bottom of which is buUt of brick
and covered -with about two feet of mould.
The duck-bUled platypus is there too, along with
opossums, and kangaroo rats.
Kangaroos of all ages and sizes, one of which is perfectly
white, hop about in thefr not very graceful manner. The
white one has a son, also white, with the exception of a
dark patch on the breast ; wallabies, like stunted kan
garoos, skip about merrily in the space allotted to them,
and are apparently free from all care and anxiety. Two
zebras are grazing in their paddock.
They have only one elephant, and that supports itself
by carrying children round an enclosure on its back ; the
saddle -will hold six at a time, and was made at a cost of
sixty pounds.
There is a double fence round the enclosure devoted to
the elephant, the outer one about three feet from the
inner. At first there was only a single fence, but a
gentleman was one day leaning with his back against it,
without thinking of what was behind him, when suddenly
he felt the elephant's trunk pressing against his chest.
He was not hurt, for the animal is not a savage one, but
he might have been ; and to guard against the possibility
of its recurrence, the outer fence was put up, and notices
posted aU round that visitors, are not to climb over.
There is a camel in the same enclosure, which is also
self-supporting in the same way as the elephant. The
camel's saddle holds four juveniles at a time, and on fine
days it is pretty well patronised, for the young colonials,
as a rule, are fond of getting into high places.
There is a stand, the top of which is reached by steps
F 2

68 Lights and Shadows of Melbourne Life.
for the children to get on and off the two patient and
wiUing animals.
On Saturday afternoon music is added to the other
attractions of the gardens. There is a fine stand erected
for the players, with sounding-boards over their heads-
and at their backs, so that the sound can be thro-wn well
forward on to the lawn in front of it, on which are placed
chairs for the accommodation of the listeners, and tables
for these who need refreshments.

( fi9 )

THE THEATEES.
From the time of Thespis, mankind has been fond of
theatrical displays ; even before then a rude kind of
representation accompanied the solemnisation of the rites
of Bacchus, when the shepherds and peasants, having
sacrificed a goat, would complete the ceremony by dances,
and play all manner of antics, and, to give grotesqueness
to the proceedings, would stain their faces -with the lees
of wine.
"When Thespis came, he soon saw the inconvenience of
the performers running about among the audience, and
converted a cart into a stage for them to act upon.
.33schylus afterwards improved upon that by building
a theatre, first wood, then of stone, and that stUl further
increased the comfort of the spectators, by converting
a disorderly mob of on-lookers into a quiet respectable
audience. He introduced the mask as an improvement
upon the face-staining disguise, and gave his characters
dresses ; and, to give them greater stature, he added the
coturnus or buskin.
The drama attained to still greater perfection under
Sophocles and Euripides, who were themselves actors as
well as authors. It may be mentioned, to show how much
the Athenians had improved upon the cart of Thespis,
that they expended a hundred thousand pounds to pu-t
one of Sophocles' tra,gedies worthily upon the stage.
The theatre was built in the form of a horse-shoe, with
the stage at the two ends. The seats rose one above
another all round it, leaving the space in the centre,
corresponding -with our pit, to be occupied by the chorus
when not on the stage. The heavens were the roof, and
that would free the managerial mind from all anxiety on
the score of ventUation— a painful subject with. managers
at the present day, for, since ventilation has been reduced

70 Lights and Shadows of Melbourne Life.
to a science, it has only succeeded in giving satisfaction to
no one, as the audiences complain that they are either
stifled by the heated atmosphere of the house, or laid up
-w;ith a week's neuralgia through being obliged to sit in
the cold draughts.
The- chorus, in the days of Thespis, acted as the
orchestra, .ffischylus remodelled it, and gave it far more
important functions. It was to the chorus, the performers
addressed themselves, and these, led on by their leader,
the corypheus, communicated to the audience the emotions
proper for the occasion.
The Eomans transferred the drama to Eome, where, with
the exception of a species of theatricals performed by the
Eoman youth caUed " Fabulse Atellanse," it had been un
known. It speedily took root in the new soU, and
attained to great favour with the patrician and plebeian
alike. Actors were highly esteemed by their feUow-citizens
in Greece. In Eome, on the other hand, all who appeared
on the stage were stigmatised as infamous by an edict of
the Proctor. That decree could only have applied to the
small fry of the histrionic fraternity, for two actors,
Eoscius and Paris, became famous, and were looked upon
with great favour by eminent Eomans.
As the empire declined, so did the drama; and, when
the one fell, the other apparently died also ; Ijut it
budded forth again in the Middle Ages, under the name
of " Mysteries and Moralities,"
At Dunstable, in England, the first theatre was opened
by the pious Geoffrey ; but he was quite as unfortunate
as many who have embarked in the same line in more
modern times, for, shortly after, it was burnt down, as
some said, in Divine anger at the desecration. This had
such an effect upon poor Geoffrey that he went and hid
his chagrin in a cell at St. Albans.
In those days the performer combined the functions
of the ecclesias-tic with those of the actor, and even at the
present day the ecclesiastic has not altogether dropped the
actor, for a Uttle of the " hanky-panky " may be seen in
some of the preachers yet.
The strolling glee-men were welcomed everywhere, and
nowhere more so than within the walls of the monastery,
where the monks were ever ready to compose " patter " for

The Theatres. 71

them, in return for the relief they afforded them from the
monotony of their monastic life.
That gave great offence in certain quarters ; and a
decree was issued from the Council of Claverstoe, bearing
the king's signature, " that histriones, or actors, and other
vagabonds mentioned therein, should be no longer allowed
access to the monasteries ; and that no priest should turn
glee-man himself, or tum ale-poet by -writing verses for
such disreputable characters."
The Melbourne folks are as fond of amusement as most
people, and in the theatre are as well behaved as an
audience can be ; certainly there is a deal of unceremonious
scrambling to secure a good seat when the doors are first
opened; but that is only natural, for most people prefer
sitting to standing when they go the theatre, even though
it be on a hard, cushionless, and backless seat. Scrambling
for a seat in the theatre is much the same as scrambling
for a position in the worl^ ; the strong, pushing ones get
to the front, while the timid and unassuming have to
content themselves with what they can get.
There are six theatres in Melbourne, besides a host of
other places of amusement, all of which are now con
ducted with the strictest regard to decorum.
The vestibules of some of them are the nightly resort
of a motley crowd of loungers, who meet their acquain
tances there hy appointment, or come to watch the human
kaleidoscope in its ever-changing aspects. Youths, from
sixteen to twenty, hang about the bar doors trjdng to get
a glimpse at the nobbier-dispensing beauties behind the
counter. Youths, too, of a more mature age, old boys
who were youths forty years ago, may be seen doing the
same. Vapid swells ¦ saunter into the bar, and throw
killing glances at the barmaids, which are thrown back
with interest by the smiling Hebes, much to the delight
of their empty-headed admirers, and much inward
chuckling to themselves.
Chevaliers d'industrie are there, also, on the look out for
any flat who may happen to be present with more money
than brains. Spongers, in want of a drink, hang about
in the hope of meeting some one they are on speaking-
terms -vrith, who may be wUling to shout. Loafers, rather
better dressed than the ordinary run of the tribe, come
there without any particular object in view, but at the

72 Lights and Shadows of Melbourne Life.
same time they are ready for whatever may come in their
way. Eagged boys of all ages hang about just inside the
gateway, begging the checks of those who come out
between the acts, or playing with one another tiU someone
connected with the place drives them away. A policeman
wanders up and down in a seemingly abstracted manner ;
but he is doubtless fully alive to all that is going on
around him. When in want of a change, he strolls into
the pit to see what is going on there, while a detective, or
two may be seen on the look-out for some stray lamb they
are in search of.
On " off-nights " the dress-circle has a somewhat
mournful look, quite as lugubrious as the looks of the
management when they see nothing but dead-heads in it.
It is no very difficult matter to distinguish a dead-head
from one who has paid for admission ; there is a look of
independence about the latter that is sadly wanting in
the former, as there must necessarily be, for the gpod
folks who are there by vfrtue of payment must feel
themselves on a higher plane than those who go "on
the cheap."
On " full nights," however, it is different ; then aU is
joy and animation. The gentlemen chat, and the ladies
smUe as they gracefuUy work their fans, or look through
the lorgnette at some one in a distant part of the house.
It is pleasant to contemplate the ladies' dresses when they
harmonise, which is not always the case ; nor do the ladies
always select the colours best suited to their complexions,
which is a pity.
The style and variety of head-dresses one may see
there would make a rare display in a hafr-dressers'
window. There is the lofty "pile," and the "plait"
coiled flat down upon the cro-wn of the head, the " water
fall " and the ringlets " ; the " frontal curls," and the
" fringe " ; the " bandeau," the " rouleau," the " straight,"
and this " frizzy."
The complexions, too, how clear and bright they look
in the gaslight, though some of them seem far too fresh
to be natural. The secret of making themselves " beauti
ful for evei; " has not been imparted to all ladies ; some
do it well enough, and, if not looked too closely into, it
passes. Others are extremely careless in putting on th©
violet powder ; they leave it in dabs, which detracts sadly

The Theatres. 73

from the sweet face it covers, especially when seen by
daylight. Nor is the rouge or carmine always properly
blended with it ; it is not nicely softened at the edges,
consequently it has au unnatural look.
The pleasure and excitement of the situation give a look
of happiness to all, and make the eyes sparkle Uke the
paste diamonds that may sometimes be seen there doing
duty for real ones.
The " family circle " has been rightly named, for it is
there paterfamilias takes his brood of little ones, when
they go to see the pantomime, or whenever he so far
relaxes as to give them a treat to the theatre.
It is a pretty sight to see a father, and mother, and five
or six children sitting in the front row of seats, all as
happy as mortals can be, except perhaps the mother, who
is in constant fear that Some of the youngsters, in their
anxiety to see what is going on in the pit, will fall over
the parapet on to the heads of the people below. The
father is at the head of the commissariat, and is kept fully
employed in serving out lollies and apples as long as they
last, and he doubtless feels relieved when they are all
gone. Eespectable well-to-do tradesmen and their families
also affect the family-circle part of the house. Young men
who are not quite so fast as the general run of th©
Melbourne youth prefer being there to anywhere else,
especiaUy when they take their sisters or sweethearts
with- them. Family parties from the country go there,
-because their visit being only temporary they do not care
about going to the trouble and expense of providing
dresses fit for the dress-circle. Spinsters who caniiot be
exactly called young go there in company with one or
two friends. Young women who are not fortunate
enough to possess beaux go in couples for mutual pro
tection, £und, perhaps, with the latent hope that they may
meet -with some of the opposite sex with sufficient good
taste to fall in love with them.
People who regularly attend church, and who also think
they can go to the theatre without playing into the hands
of the devil, affect that part because it is less rowdy than
the pit, and less expensive than the staUs; and, lastly,
elderly people of Umited means always patronise the
family-circle whenever they go to the theatre.

74 Lights and Shadows of Melbourne Life,
The stalls, too, have their regular frequenters, and the
influences which cause them to gravitate to that part are
as inexorable as those which attract others to the dress-
circle or pit.
People who are rather deaf go there the better to hear
the dialogue, and some prefer it to the dress-circle because
they do not like to be " stared at," but these are mostly
ladies of nervous temperament. Fast young fellows go
there to be jolly ; and Cyprians, with an eye to business.
Inexperienced young men take their mothers, and sisters,
or sweethearts there, because they think it select, and for
the reason that they get a good view of the stage ; and
many who pay the extra price to go there would just as
soon be in the pit if they could only get a good seat.
There is less lolly sucking and apple munching in the
stalls than there is in the pit, though a little of both is
indulged in, but in a more quiet and subdued manner;
and bottles are seldom seen, except an occasional bottle of
lemonade. There is a great clearing out for the inevitable nobbier
among the male occupants of the stalls as soon as the
drop scene falls, and the ladies are left to take care of
themselves in the best way they can during their- absence.
There is as much amusement to be derived from
watching the acting going on among the audience as
there is in witnessing that which takes place upon the
stage. Watch the youth and maiden who have just entered,
and see if it -would be possible to mistake them for any
thing else than lovers. Notice the look of happiness in
his face as, with her shawl over his arm, he leads her to
a seat he thinks will give her the best view of the stage.
And with what anxiety he looks after her comfort when
she is seated. How different his manner is to that of the
married man who has just come in with his wife. His
anxiety appears to be all on his own account now, though
once he was as solicitous for the comfort of his darUng as
our young friend is fot that of the dear creature at his
side. The good dame, however, appears to be quite able
to take care of herself, as may be seen from the decision
with which she plumps down into her seat, and settles
herself comfortably to watch the performance to the end.
During the whole of the evening, the young feUow

The Theatres, 75

takes but little notice of what is taking place on
the stage. All his thoughts are centred in the dear
object at his side. His emotions are but the reflection of
hers. If she be pleased, and laugh, he laughs as well,
and if she does not " think much " of the piece, he votes
it scarcely worth listening to. OccasionaUy, as the
evening creeps on, she is persuaded to dip the -tips of her
dainty fingers into a bag of biscuits he has brought for
her delectation, and when the man comes round with the
lemonade, he whisperingly suggests a bottle, but she
cannot muster up sufficient courage to drink lemonade out
of a bottle in such a pubUc place. No hen, whose incu
batory labours have only been blessed with one chick,
could be half as anxious for its welfare as he appears to
be for the comfort and happiness of his sweetheart. When
the curtain falls, he wraps her in her shawl, as carefully
as though he dreaded some dire results from the night air
coming in contact with her ethereal body. By-and-bye,
when the twain are made one flesh, he will, perhaps,
think that, after all, women are only made of clay.
The patrons of the pit are found among tradesmen,
shopkeepers, and labouring men of all kinds. There is
another class who always go there when they go to the
theatre, for the very simple reason that their means will
not permit of their going to any other part — such as
junior clerks, storemen, and the like, and these form small
knots of three or four under the dress circle at the sides,
to gossip over the news of the day, or discuss the affairs
of their friends, or criticise the actresses, or talk over
things theatrical. We have had many an inward snigger
whUe we have been listening to these young fellows,
when their talk has been histrionics. They appear to
have the names of past and present celebrities at their
fingers' ends, and discuss the subject with aU the
dogmatism of old stage veterans. Certainly they are
seldom correct as to dates or parts ; but that is of no
consequence, as those they are talking to know as little
about it as they do themselves.
A party of five may now be seen bustling along to get
a good seat. A glance will show j^ou that these five are
composed of a man and his wife — with the baby, of
course — a lady friend and her daughter, and the
daughter's young man. They have evidently come with

76 Lights and Shadows of Melbourne Life.
the intention of having a night's enjoyment, for the man
carries a black bag, fiUed to repletion with all manner of
good things, among which is a bottle, for the cork may
be seen protruding through the clasps. There is an
inconvenience attending these small parties, and that is,
they all want to sit together, and they can only.do that,
at times, by crowding into a space where ther© is only
room for about two, which they do without the least
regard for the feelings or convenience of those afready -
seated, which sometimes begets a little plain speaking.
The lady friend has been there before during the run
of the same piece, and she takes upon herself th©duty of
expounding the plot, and, at the most exciting part,
everyone around her has the interest destroyed by
hearing her relate what is going to happen next. She
has also a disagreeable habit of keeping time to the music
by beating her feet upon the floor, a proceeding which is
speedily taken up by the others, till it becomes pretty
general, much to the disgust of those who prefer their
music without such accornpaniment. The baby, who has
been watching the p'erformance with great attention tUl
the part arrives where the interest of the audience is at
its highest, now calls attention to itself by crying -with
all the power of its vigorous lungs. The audience all
over the house get indignant, and frequent cries are
heard of " take it out," while one recommends its mother
to sit upon it ; and another, still more inhuman, suggests
the advisability of throttling it. A woman, sitting close
by, whose children, if she ever had any, must be all
grown-up, is heard to wonder "whatever women can be
thinking of to bring their babies to such places." At
length the child, after its mother has exhausted aU the
known maternal dodges to keep it quiet, has to be taken
out, and its cries are still heard from time to time in
some distant part of the house.
Some of the frequenters of the pit have a disagreeable
habit of munching apples all the evening, accompanied
by a noise that is very trying to the nerves of those
seated near them, for it is similar to that made by a pig
when eating a raw turnip. Others go in for oranges, and
keep sucking and talking all the night. Some take
sandwiches, others biscuits, while some keep constantly
crunching lollies, and perfume the air all eiround with

The Theatres. 11

the odour of peppermint. Some go provided with a small
flask, from which they take a sip, and pass it round to a
friend. Others take a square gin bottle filled with beer,
which is poured into a teacup without a handle, and
passed round to those of the party who want a drink.
In fact people go to the pit to enjoy themselves, and they
do so physically as well as intellectually.
The gallery is the region belonging exclusively to the
larrikin class. Certainly some few working-men go
there, but not many. Now the price is the same as it is
in the pit. Sometimes, however, when the latter place is
too crowded to be comfortable, many leave it and take
thefr seats among the gods, where, with the exception of
Saturday night, when the Olympians muster in great
force, they usually find plenty of room.
Bright specimens of our colonial youth, male and
female, may be seen in that part of the house. The
neglected chUd, after running about the streets aU day,
finds his way there at night, the money with which he
pays for admittance being probably the proceeds of some
petty theft. The full-blown larrikin, hang-dog in look
and careless in attire, comes there with no other apparent
object than to air his filthy language, and create as much
uproar as possible. Young girls, children almost, but
who have, nevertheless, been on the streets for years,
prefer it -to the pit, because they can indulge in greater
freedom of speech, and be less guarded in their actions.
The galleries are not so crowded now as they used to
be when the price for admittance was only sixpence.
Then it was fiUed nightly with some of the choicest
specimens of the juvenile ruffianism hailing from the back
slums, and disturbances were so frequent that the
management, to keep as many of these interesting
creatures out as possible, raised , the price to a shilling.
That had, in a great measure, the desired effect; for
many who could raise a sixpence were unable to scrape
together a shilling, and the houses are much quieter in
consequence.

78 Lights and Shadows of Melbourne Life.

THE "BLOCK."
All large cities have a "resort" where the haut ton,
beauty, and fashion, meet to compare notes or dresses, to
admire, or be admired. In London, it is caUed " Eotten
Eow," in Paris, " Bois de Boulogne," in Berlin, " Unter
den Linden," and " Eialto " in Venice. In Melbourne it
is a quarter of a mile of hard flagging on the north side
of Collins Street, and called the "Block."
A stranger, or that much-quoted individual, the
"intelligent foreigner," who confined his observation of
us to that street, would think he had landed in the
Utopia he had heard something about, and that want and
misery, vice and crime, were here unknown.
En passant, it appears to us that what an intelUgent
foreigner might think of our doings' would depend
greatly upon his nationality. A Frenchman — from
whose capital most of the fashions emanate — ^would
consider our ladies' dresses quite correct, while an in
telligent critic from Central Africa, where a lady's walking
costume is nothing more elaborate than a bead necklace,
might think our damsels go about very much over
dressed. Nor is personal adornment the only matter on
which two intelligent foreigners might take adverse
opinions. Take, for instance, our ladies' feet, caUed by
gushing husbands, during the honeymoon, " tootsies."
A gentleman from Pekin would, if he knew the colonial
term, call them "bettle crushers," while the inteUigent
Hottentot, comparing them with the pedal supporters of
the dear one he left at home, would think they were far
too small for their sweet owners to go about with safety
upon. But whatever part of the world our intelligent friend
Came from, and however closely he might look, he would
see little sign of care or jinxiety on the faces of those he
met " doing the Block."

The "Block." 79

The business man who has just heard news that tells
him of losses to come shows no sign of it as he greets -an
acquaintance in his usual off-handed and cordial manner.
The man on the verge of bankruptcy looks as confident
as of yore, and perhaps feels more so ; and nothing in the
manner of that matronly-looking lady, as she sweeps
along between her two daughters, tells you of the anxiety
she has lately gone through in trying to make both ends.
meet. There are dozens who " do the Block " daily,
smiling, and looking so good, and so happy, whose hearts,
if they could be seen, would be found filled with despair,
hopelessness, and aU uncharltableness.
Dress, now-a-days, is a great leveller of outdoor -
distinction; therefore it must not be supposed that only
those who look upon themselves as the elite of our society
are to be found on the " Block," as the two extremes of
Melbourne and suburban life meet there regularly.
Ministers' wives and daughters, clergymens' ladies, the
-wives and daughters of merchants, and wholesale trades
men, mechanics' -wives, work-girls, servants out for a
stroll, and Cyprians brush up against one another as they
pass and repass.
A strange assortment of people may be seen during a
stroll up and down the " Block." Every type of the
human countenance is to be seen there, and every variety
of the human figure, adorned in every style of garment
which fashion for the moment says is the correct thing
to wear.
Some awkward rencontres, too, are frequently witnessed
there. An exquisitely-dressed swell meets a poorly-clad
creditor whom he is ashamed to recognise, yet afraid to
show it openly for fear of bringing matters to a crisis, so,
with the best grace he can, if he must meet his eye, he
gives him a friendly nod as they pass. A well-dressed
lady meets her much better-dressed and more ladylike
milliner; a mistress who has come to town in search
of a servant from the registry-office, meets the one who
left her ser-vice yesterday ; and the two Misses Dash pass
without recognising former friends who knew them when
they were poor and but little thought of.
The most noticeable thing to be seen on the Block is
the figure cut by some of the male promenaders. Who
would think that that young swell in fashionably-cut

80 Lights and Shadoivs of Melbourne Life.
clothes — though it requires but half a glance to see they
are slop-made — is only a clerk with the magnificent wage
of twenty-five shillings per week ? But it is so, never
theless, though nothing but a life of deprivation enables
him to appear as he does. With that, however, he is
content if he can but show off in CoUins Street whenever
he has any errands to do.
Many of the exquisites who are to be seen sauntering
up and do-wn are junior partners in mercantile firms,
swellish professional men, theatrical stars, celehfities of
all kinds, and dandies of every description. From three
till five the crowd is swoUen by bankers' clerks, clerks in
govemment offices, and some few merchants' clerks, who
can get away early.
An hour or two spent on the Block is not wasted when
you know who and what the people are you see
there ; for by noticing their outdoor demeanour, and com
paring it with their everyday lit© at home, you get
an insight into character that is both amusing and
instructive. There are certain men in society who know everyone
and everything. . Now we can't say we care much about
the company of a man who knows everything, because he
usually succeeds in convincing us we know so little
ourselves, and that is not always pleasant. But we do
enjoy the society of a man who knows everyone, especiaUy
if he be at all gifted as a narrator.
We have the privilege of being acquainted with such a
man, and when we meet him in Collins Street, we turn
him to the utmost advantage. Selecting the best point
of view for seeing all who pass and re-pass, he wUl give
us the history of most of those who come under our
observation. One day, while thus standing, we noticed a
stylishly-dressed young fellow coming towards us with a
self-satisfied smirk upon his countenance. SuddeiUy that
pleasant look was changed to one of confusion, and he
turned short round and crossed to the other side of the
street. We asked our friend if he knew him. " Oh,
yes ! " he answered ; " he is one of old Blanks' clerks, and
here comes old Blanks himself," he continued, as he
indicated a rather seedy-looking old gentleman coming
towards us. The confused look upon the clerk's face, and
the abrupt alteration in his course, were thus easUy

The "Bloch." 81

accounted for ; but we could not exactly understand why
it should be so, unless he were taking a surreptitious
stroll, instead of attending to his duties, so we asked our
friend for an explanation.
" Well, you see," he answered, " this young fellow only
gets two pounds a week, and lives at the rate of five or
six. How he manages it is only kno-wn to himself at
present. By-and-bye we may be let into his confidence.
In the meantime, however, he lets old Blanks see as little
of his unofficial life as possible, for he knows perfectly
weU that that old gentleman is quite alive as to th©
purchasing power of forty shiUings."
"Who is this young lady coming along sucking the
handle of her parasol ? " we asked, looking toward an
elegantly-dressed and rather pretty young lady.
"That's Belinda," he replied. "Her father is the
most perfect old miser that ever lived. How she
manages to wheedle the money out of him to dress like
that is a marvel. He is immensely rich, as he well might
be, for he has never spent sixpence in his life where
threepence would do. fie is very fond of his daughter,
however, with aU her faults, and lets her do precisely
as she likes. She is not a bad-hearted girl, although she
has broken the hearts of half-a-dozen young fellows, who
each had an eye to her prospective fortune. She is rather
inclined to be fast, it is true, but, having plenty of sense,
she wUl settle do-wn and make the best wife in the
colony when she sees the man she likes well enough to
marry. Whoever that lucky feUo-w may be, he will be
doubly blessed, in having a treasure in his wife, and
another in the old man's money-bags."
" You see that fellow coming along in the black bell-
topper," he shortly afterwards said, alluding to one who
came along soon after ; " that's the biggest scoundrel out
of Pentridge. He lets everyone in who has anything to
do with him where money is concerned ; and the most
marveUous thing about it is, he does the same person
repeatedly. He has a good billet, and could live com
fortably even by keeping within his income ; but that
does not agree with his ideas of what life should be, nor
¦with the notions he entertains of his own importance.
It is wonderfu] how he has contrived to carry on as long
as he has,~for the tradesmen he deals with are no fools in
a

82 Lights and Shadows of Melbourne Life.
their transactions with their ordinary customers, neither
is modesty in dunning one of their faiUngs. It must be
owing to his sublime " cheek " and plausible manner,
which are sometimes successful where modesty would
fail. He is a great gambler, among other things, and
is generally lucky, in fact suspiciously so ; but nothing
has hitherto been discovered against his play, so he is
allowed to keep on."
He now directed our attention to two rather loudly-
dressed ladies who came swaggering along, occupying
neariy the whole -width of th© pavement, and making
those they met deploy to the right and left, whUe they
passed. It was not necessary for him to tell me what
they were, their manner sufficiently indicated that.
There is one thing that must strike an observer as he
passes up and do-wn the " Block," and that is, the number
of extremely ugly faces that are to be seen among the
male promenaders. We occasionally see a fine, handsome
fellow, it is true, but many others have a strong facial
resemblance to certain tribes of monkeys one sees in the
larger menageries at home. It is not only in features the
likeness is to be noticed. They imitate jnany of their
actions and manners. What can be more similar than
the frightful grin they bestow upon a lady to whom they
raise the hat? Or what can be more natural than the
monkey-like impertinence with which they stare at every
weU-dressed lady they meet ? And how much their talk,
when two or three of them meet, sounds like the chatter
of as many monkeys, only not quite so musical. In fact,
a stroll up and do-wn Collins Street will do more in an
hour to convince one of the possibility of Darwin's theory
being correct than the ablest treatise that could be
written in support of it.
When the young ladies and gentlemen meet, how
cordial their manners appear to be with each other !
How affable they seem ! How the musical laugh of the
ladies is echoed in the not quite so musical cachihnation
of the gentlemen; and when they separate, with what
ineffable condescension the ladies offer the -tips of their
neatly-gloved fingers; having shaken which, how grace
fully the gentlemen reply, by lifting the hat. As soon as
they have parted, however, what a change may be seen
in their looks. "The smile remains, but it is now one of

The "Bloch," 83

derision. The lips that have just been paying compli
ments now give utterance to remarks the reverse of
flattering. " What donkeys ! " say the ladies.
" Expensive, but not elegant," say tho gentlemen.
Fondness for the " Block " is not confined to the young.
The middle-aged and the elderly are equally partial to a
stroll up and down, provided they can dress well enough
to appear in the midst of the gorgeous display of mUlinery
and sartorial excellence one sees there.
It has been irreverently said, that God's noblest work
would be incomplete without the tailor. Of course, that
is open to discussion, but it is very evident that the part
performed by the tailor is the part most admired at the
present day, at least, when he is a fashionable one ; for
then, and then only, is the man considered perfect. The
same person who, if dressed in fashionable attfre, would
be received with open arms on the " Block," would, if
dressed in fustian, or cotton print, be looked upon as
being as much out of place there as a pig would be in a
drawing-room. Such being the caso, is it to be wondered at that the
poorly-paid clerk half starves himself in order to appear
well dressed, and have a brief flutter among the many-
hued butterflies who disport themselves daily on the
hard flags of GoUins Street ?
Some of those who cut such fine figures in that street
would not be walking backwards and forwards there
if they were compeUed to pay thefr debts. There are, to
our o-wn certain knowledge, men to be seen there daily
who have not a stitch on thefr backs they could truth
fully call their own. The clothes they wear are unpaid
for ; the money that should have paid for their hats has
been spent at the opera ; their bootmakers sigh in vain
for the money for the last new pair of boots ; and the
hosier is not a whit more fortunate than the others.
We often think tradesmen must use customers of this
sort as walking advertisements, otherwise it is hard to
understand why thej' allow men whose wages, in many
instances, are below those of a skilful artisan to get so
much in their debt, when the probability of their ever
being paid is so remote.
There is something about the " Block," that has a bad
G 2

84 Lights and Shadoivs of Melbourne Life,
effect upon the eyesight of those who frequent it. At
least, such appears to be the case, from the number of
times one notices a well-dressed young fellow pass an
acquaintance not quite so well dressed, without being
able to see him ; while in Elizabeth Street, a few yards
off, he will stop him, and have a chat, and even conde
scend to drink at his expense, if invited thereunto.
Between one and two may be seen a pretty fair sprink
ling of junior clerks and work-gfrls, who, having eaten
their bread and meat, bath-bun, or half-a-pound of mixed
biscuits, or whatever else they may have had for lunch, go
there to spend the remainder of the hour — the young men
to air their dignity and leer at the girls, and the girls to
be leered at.
It is amusing to watch these young fellows as they
swagger up and down ; and to Usten to the snatches of
their conversation they take care you shall hear as they
pass. About the time of the races their talk is " horse ; "
during the opera season, Signor this, or Signora that, are
their themes, as if they understood an atom of one subject
or the other !
The best time to see the " Block '! is from eleven till
one on a fine Saturday moming. Here the ladies,
middle-aged and young, come to meet their husbands,
papas, brothers, or sweethearts, who leave business early
on that day. It is a bustling sight, for all the suburbs
appear to have sent large contingents of wealth and
beauty to give animation to the scene. At that time
the ladies have it nearly all to themselves, and a glorious
show they make of it. The bright colours of their
dresses, their happy looks, and eyes sparkling with
excitement, lend a charm to the scene tha-t is pleasant to
behold. The daughters of Israel, ha-ving just left the synagogue
in Bourke Street, show up about that time in great num
bers. They, too, enjoy the scene with, if possible, more
zest than their Nazarene sisters, and laugh and chatter,
and shoot sly glances at any young member of their own
" people " who may happen to be there airing his factory-
made Sabbath clothes, and drawing Elysium through the
amber mouthpiece of his cigarette-holder at the same
time. Saturday being a school holiday, the younger members

The "Block" 85

of the family come with their mammas to meet papa, and
"do the Block."
Their fresh ingenuous looks are in great contrast with
the artificial and affected manners of some who are but a
few years their seniors ; while their careless gaity shows
how deUghtful the change from the school-room to a
stroll up and do'wn that crowded thoroughfare is.

86 Lights and Shadows of Melbourne Life,

THE ELITE.
All things have a beginning, aristocracies included, and
cs we have in our midst an aristocracy in process of for
mation, it may be interesting to know how and from
what kind of people they originate,
History tells us what the aristocracies in the older
countries were; and as we can see v\ith our o-wn eyes
what the fathers and mothers of our future grandees are
like at present, and knowing what they have been in the
past, it must be acknowledged that, as individuals, they
are much, more respectable than many of the founders of
the old houses of Europe, who, as a rule, were men of
very questionable habits.
Some of them advanced themselves by practices that
were considered correct enough in those days, but which
would, if indulged in by their descendants at -the present
time, procure them a lengthened seclusion from society ;
or, in other words, they were simply thieves, and very
vulgar ones, to boot. But that was in the good old times,
when it was thought no man had a right to more than he
could keep.
The founders of some of the more modern " famUies "
were men who received their titles as a well-merited
recognition of services rendered to their country, either
on the battle-field, or in the council chamber ; or for
having made themselves renowned in some laudable
pursuit. How many generations does it require to convert the
plebeian blood of the ennobled commoner, or enriched
tradesman, into the sangre azul of the aristocrat ? Or,
does the patent of the sovereign, while dignifying tbe
body, alter the tint of the blood, and make it less turbid,
at the same time ?
All the men who are at the head of our society have

The Elite, 87

risen by their own efforts. None of the positions wer©
inherited. Many were gentlemen, and scholars, and
-would rank as such in any country in the world. Some
were just sufficiently educated for mercantile pursuits ;
and others were as innocent of " book learning " as men
could weU be. But whatever intellectual difference there
may have been between them, they aU started pretty
equaUy as to money matters.
One would think that in the race for wealth, the better
educated would secure the prizes, but it has not been so
here, at all events ; for the unlettered have done as well,
if not better, than the highly cultured. There are men in
this city whose fortunes will run into six or seven figures
so strangely iUiterate that they hardly know sufficient
of caUgraphy to sign their names to a cheque.
People are apt to say, when they hear of an ignorant
man getting rich, " How much better he^, would have
done if he had been well educated." Well, perhaps, not.
One of the objects of education is to improve the mind,
and when that has been done, men see things in a
different light to that in which they formerly looked at
them, and that makes them pause before undertaking
many things they would not have hesitated about before.
While they are hesitating, others, less scrupulous, push
in, and do it for them, and the only benefit they derive
from their mental improvement is the satisfaction of
knowing they have left some questionable transaction
undone to their own pecuniary disadvantage.
Noblesse oblige. If titles compel men to walk circum
spectly, it might, perhaps, be better if they were a little
more freely distributed, for the recipients would think so
much more of themselves, and consequently behave better ;
and others would hold them in greater estimation, and
there would be less evil speaking ; for a title, like the
mantle of charity, covers a multitude of sins.
How quickly, too, the change is perceptible. What a
difference there is in the plain Mr. and Sir Timothy Blank
within twenty-four hours after receiving the accolade.
How much more upright he stands. How affable and
patronising he is to those who were but yesterday his
equals ; whUe his acquaintances, who had hitherto failed
to "see much" in Mr. Blank, now detect qualities of a
high order in Sir Timothy. ,

88 Lights and Shadows of Melbourne Life.
The glory of the title is also reflected with but slightly
diminished lustre upon all his surroundings. His better
half is not long in' letting the servants know that their
mistress is now a " Lady," and Miss Blank comforts
herself iu a way she would hardly have done a week
ago. Mr. Tom, who expects one day to inherit the title,
„ appears to have become as sedate as though he had
received an instalment of ten years of his allotted number.
The principal of the school where he is being educated
quickly lets the people living round about him know that
he has the son of a " sir " among his scholars ; and the
parents of these boys look forward hopefully to the
advantages their sons may one day derive from contact
with an embryonic baronet ; while the scholars them
selves put up with many things from him now they would
have threatened to punch his head for a few days ago.
Even the servants acquire a distingue manner they were
strangers to before. The tradesmen and shopkeepers
become more civil and attentive, for it is a capital
advertisement having titled people among their customers.
The house gets a coat of paint to set off its master's coat
of arms ; the carriage and horses look more aristocratic ;
the garden is made trim, and the lawn, if any, gets a
clean shave.
Although we can see the formation of our aristocracy,
unfortunately we shall not live to see it in its full
maturity, but there cannot be a doubt it will bear com
parison with that of any country whatsoever. Our
married magnates, knowing the advantages of education
— though, as has been observed before, many of them only
derive that knowledge from the absence of it in them
selves — take care to give their children as good a one as
they are capable of receiving. In the course of a few
generations the intellectual improvement they will have
undergone will have refined their tastes, and improved
their minds; and as the mind influences the features, the
rugged visages we so frequently see in high places now
will have become softened into a more classic type.
Some of our elite are open-handed in their liberality,
endowing colleges, and bestowing munificent gifts in
various other directions. Others again, who are now
millionaires, remembering their struggles with poverty in

The Elite.

the early times, think they know the value of money too
well to give much of it away, and hug their wealth to
their bosoms as fondly as a mother does her first-born

Brian Boroo landed in Melbourne just about the time
of the gold discover3'. Money was then to be made, and
he soon displayed a remarkable aptitude in making it ;
and not only that, but he has been quite as clever in
knowing how to keep it.
He is now well up on the social ladder ; he keeps his
horses and his buggy ; he is on the Commission of the
Peace, and has been in the " House ; " he has a suburban
residence, and his income may be set down at thousands :
but he is Brian Boroo still. Wealth has not improved
him, nor added much to his polish, though it may have
caused his opinions to change on many matters. What
was white when he was poor is black now he is rich.
Men who came out with him and have not risen he
ignores. His early acquaintance with the bogs is for
gotten, or, if his mind ever does go back so far, it is to
wonder how long the old sow has been dead, and if the
peat is as hard to dig as ever.
As for Pat, and Mick, and the other boys who used to
trot the bogs with him, he wouldn't know them if he
were to meet them. He is very exacting as to outward
observance of respect, and he tries hard to cut a figure,
but however much he may try he cannot hide the tin-
pot. It shows at home, it shows in his buggy,-and it
shows on the bench, but at no time does it show more
plainly than when he opens his mouth.
He is a great believer in the divine right of the wealthy
few to govern the impecunious many. He, the once shoe
less, though now possessor of untold thousands, looks upon
himself, ignorant and vulgar though he be, as one of those
intended by nature to rule the destinies of that portion of
his fellow-citizens he contemptuously calls the " people."
He has educated his children, and no doubt instilled
into their minds the high position the Boroos held in
society in the olden times and how they must sustain
the reputation of the family in times to come.
It is not known if he has begun to trace his descent
from the " ould ancient " kings of Ireland ; but, if he has
not, it is because his education has been so neglected that

90 Lights and Shadows of Melbourne Life.
the history of Ireland is a book as far beyond his com
prehension as it would be if if were written in Greek.
His children rank among the Australian aristocracy.
And why not ? They are well educated, and as good as
the general run of mankind, though, perhaps, the rough
model they have had in their father may have given
shape to some of their characteristics. But that will
become fainter and fainter with each succeeding genera
tion, till at last every trace of it will have disappeared
altogether, and they wilh sit side by side with, and he
in every way equal to, the descendants of our merchant
princes. Chips is another member of our elite, and wiU be
recorded in the future Australian Debrett as the founder
of the Chips family.
He landed here with a few tools, and the scarcely to be
perceived rudiments of an education, but to compensate
for the latter deficiency, he had an abundant stock of
conceit, and a keen eye for looking after the interests of
Mr. Chips. At that time, land in convenient blocks went
begging for buyers, and at a price that brought it -within
the reach of all who chose to invest their savings in that
very safe investment. Chips was then earning good
wages, and as fast as he saved a few pounds he bought
land and kept it, or, as he elegantly termed it, "let it
sweat," till it would fetch a better price. Out of small
beginnings sprang large endings, and it would be hard
for him to tell, at the present time, within a few
thousands, how much he is really worth.
It is to a man's credit to raise himself from a low
position in society to a high one, if he can do so by honour-
alile means ; but, having done so, it is hardly becoming for
him to look down upon others, former friends, who have
remained poor, as though they belonged to an inferior
order of beings. At one time he was as ignorant of his
own natural superiority as other people were, and if he
had remained poor, he would be ignorant of it stiU. But •
when the fickle goddess began to smile upon him, and he
added house to house, nature asserted herself, and the
man began to appear. When joining field to field his
mind expanded, and he speedily recognised the fact that
those who rise in the world are better than those who
remain low ; and that Fortune only smiles upon those

The Elite. 91

whom nature intended to be the recipients of her
favours. If there be any superiority about him, it springs
entirely from nature. He owes nothing whatever, except
a little reading and -writing, to art ; with that all his
accomplishments end. StUl ho tries to shake off the saw
dust, and to surround himself with a halo of respectability.
He dresses in black, and attends regularly at church,
where his demeanour is strictly orthodox, and, as far as
appearances go, he is an ornament to the pew he occupies.
' His chUdren are highly educated, and are altogether a
wonderful improvement upon the author oftheir existence.
The gfrls are accompUshed,' and the sons rising in their
several callings, and as it does not necessarily follow that
they should inherit the old man's personal qualities along
with his money, they will not be the least worthy of our
Colonial aristocracy.
Chips is no fool, at least not in the sense the term is
usually put, for he possesses a fair amount of natural
shrewdness, and that lands him pretty safely from most
of the enterprises he embarks in.. What folly he does-
manifest springs entirely from conceit and ignorance, and
the pride which is begotten of wealth.
Eigida made her debut in the kitchen, in the useful but
not very high capacity of kitchen-maid. At that time
she possessed a tolerable share of good looks, and she was
perfectly well aware of that fact herself. Moreover, she
was thoroughly con-vinced that the kitchen was not
her proper place, and that she was intended by nature to
move in a higher sphere, and she regulated her conduct
accordingly. The master she then served had a soft heart,
which she speedily detected, and tumed to advantage.
He proposed marriage, and she blushingly consented. He
was then very rich, having just retired from business with
an ample fortune. As a business man he had the reputa
tion of being shrewd and lucky. On retiring, however,
it was very soon seen that, sharp as he may have been in
making money while in business, he was equally clever in
getting rid of it, when he had nothing else to do.
That state of things did not altogether meet with
Eigida's approval, as she was perfectly well aware that
there are contingencies in married life no prudent couple
ought to overlook. By judicious management and proper

92 Lights and Shadows of Melbourne Life.
representations, she brought her husband over to her o-wn
way of thinking, namely, that money spent unnecessarily
is so much money wasted. The poor man fell a martyr
to his family devotion. He could neither make money
nor spend it, and as they were the only two occupations
-that made life worth Uving, he pined awaj', and died,
shortly after they had been married two years. By that
time, two of the contingencies aforethought had arrived,
with a third in prospectu. The late lamented, as aU
dutiful husbands ought to do, had made his wUl tibso-
lutely in favour of his wife, feeUng sure she would watch
over the interests of their children. In that belief he
was quite right, for, although self-seeking when single,
self was merged in her children now that she was a
mother, and few more devoted ones have ever lived.
Eeaching the drawing-room via the kitchen is by no
means the social bar here which it is at home, always pro
vided the manners rise as well. The widow was visited,
and " received " by the ton of Melbourne, and well she
deserved it, for there had been as great a transformation
in her manners as in her fortunes, and few would have
believed that the elegantly-dressed lady who received her
visitors with so much- grace had graduated in the lower
regions of the establishment.
Volumnia is fond of talking of her friends at home,
especially of her aunt. Lady This, and of her cousin the
Hon Miss That, and of the style she used to live in. She
is well up in the names and history of the peerage, and
can relate something about most of the old county families.
She is well educated, and of easy manners, and might .
pass unobserved if she would only talk a little less.
She has displayed considerable taste in furnishing her
house, but there are a few expensive articles brought
prominently forward, or talked about rather^ too much.
Her principal themes in conversation are my horses, my
carriages, my servants, or whatever else she may have
which is only possessed by the few.
In music she goes in for high class. "Ah I de la morte "
is her delight, and everything else that has not an Italian
name to it, her abomination. She is not over liberal with
her money, but when she does give she likes it to be
known, that others m'ay go and do like-wise — at least, it
is only charitable to suppose that is her reason.

The Elite. 93

She is very clever, she can do everything well but talk,
that she cannot do ; not that she says anything that
would shock Lindley Murray ; she is only unhappy in her
subjects. She will talk, and that is her misfortune.
Such are a few specimens of the Australian elite. We
could have given examples of another kind, of men who
are gentlemen by education and instinct, and in every
way worthy of being the founders of our future aristocracy.
Not that those we have mentioned are unworthy in
themselves, they are only unfortunate in not having been
able to improve their minds with their fortunes.

94 Lights and Shadows of Melbourne Life.

THE MAEKETS.
From the earUest times the market has been an important
place in a city. In Eome it was called the " Forum," but
it was not confined to the sale of provisions, and the
usual odds and ends that are brought to market to be sold.
It was there the Pr«tor meted out justice- to peccant
citizens. In ancient Greece and in Palestine it was the same.
When Paul and Silas were at Thyatira, they met a damsel
possessed with a spirit of divination, which spirit they
cast out. This young lady was what we caU now a
" fortune-teller," for we are told she " brought her
masters much gain by soothsaying." When these enter
prising individuals saw "the hope of their gains. was
gone," they caught the two apostles and " drew them into
thp market-place unto the rulers," and having made out a
case to the satisfaction of the multitude, the magistrates
rent off the clothes, and ordered Paul and Silas to be
beaten. The market must, also, have been a place of pubUc
resort, for we have it on the authority of St. Mark that -
the Scribes loved salutations in the market-places ; and it
is further said that our Saviour disputed daily in the
market with those He met there.
In former times, in England, the market was held in
the churchyard on Sunday mornings, for the convenience
of those who wished to provide for their temporal wants,
as weU as their spiritual. That strange custom was often
prohibited during times of religious enthusiasm ; and as
often re-established, as soon as matters had cooled down,
tUi it was finally abolished in Henry VI.'s time. Till
recently, in many places they continued to hold the
market in the churchyard, but not on Sundays.
In the centre of. most, if not in all, market-places in

The Markets. 95

England a cross was erected, at the foot of which religious
services were held, and where, also, in times, of popular
ferment, demagogues harangued the excited crowds who
met there to ventilate their grievances.
A " Court of Pie Powder " was held iu every market,
for the settlement of market disputes. The name of these
courts is derived from "pieds poudreux," dusty feet,
denoting that the litigants had just come off the roads to
have their quarrel adjusted. "The offences which came
within the jurisdiction of this court were assaults, giving
short weight or measure, slander, and any other of the
many complaints Ukely to arise in a congregation of rival
dealers. The slander spoken of consisted in Hodge
depreciating Giles' " turmuts," or " wuts," or whatever
else he might have had in the market for sale.
The offence 'complained of must have been committed
in the market, during market hours, and on the same day,
otherwise the court had no jurisdiction. Any of the
parties dissatisfied with the decisions of this court could
appeal against them at the court at Westminster.
The most important of all the English markets was
Smithfield. It was there, on the 23rd August, 1305, that
the brave Sir William WaUace was executed. Dragged
at the tails of horses to the place of execution, he was
hanged on a gallows as high as that intended for Mor-
decai. When cut down, he was drawn and quartered ;
which means he was drawn on a hurdle, and his limbs
severed from th© body. These limbs were afterwards
distributed with rigid impartiality in different places in
England and Scotland. His right arm was set up for the
people to gaze upon at Newcastle; his left at Berwick.
His right leg was publicly exposed ^t Perth, and his left
at Aberdeen ; whUst his head was stuck on a spike at
London Bridge. All this was done as a. warning to all
and sundry not to play at the game called by one side
treason, and by the other patriotism.
At Smithfield, also, on the 15th June, 1381, Wat Tyler
received his quietus from Sir William "Walworth's dagger.
Before Tyburn was made the place of public execution,
criminals were hanged there, at a spot called the " Elms,"
so named from a clump of those trees growing there. It
was there Jack Straw, Wat Tyler's lieutenant, was hanged
the day after his chief's death.

96 Lights and Shadows of Melbourne Idfe.
. By a statute of Henry VIII., poisoners were boiled to
death in Smithfield market ; the modus operandi being to
fasten the condemned ones in a kind of chair, and dip
them into a boiling cauldron till they were dead.
At Smithfield, also, were burned at the stake those who
preferred martyrdom to renouncing their faith ; and there,
too, a similar fate awaited those convicted of "Petit
treason." Petit treason is when a servant murders his
master, or a wife her husband. For the latter offence, a
woman was, in 1652, publicly burned before an unsym
pathetic crowd of gaping onlookers. She was the last of
the long array of those who had expiated -by fire the sin
of differing in opinion from others, or , using a knife to
sever the nuptial knot.
Melbourne is pretty well off for markets, being able to
boast of eight — two for vegetables and dairy produce, one
each for meat and fish and fruit, one for hay, anothei: for
horses and cattle, and one for pigs.
Of the two vegetable markets, the Eastern, at the top
of Bourke Street, and the Victoria, the latter is the more
important, as it is more central, and can supply a larger
area of the population. It extends from Queen to Peel
Streets, along Victoria Street. It is formed of a number
of avenues, with corrugated fron roofs. The floor wher©
the dealers stand is flagged ; while the part devoted to
the horses and carts is pitched.
The Chinese contingent to the army of market-gardeners
is a very large one ; they are not so noisy as their Cau
casian brethren, but are apparently quite as fond of
" chaffing " each other, if one may judge from the broad
grins to be seen on their yellow faces, and the twinkle in
their almond eyes, when three or four of them are
conversing together, while waiting the advent of their
customers. " John's " method of doing business is so well known
that no customer would ever think of giving him any
thing like the price he asks for his wares. An offer of
about half is made, and if the smiling Celestial thinks
that is not sufficient, the haggling is continued till the
things change hands at about 25 per cent, less than the
original demand.
One avenue of the market is devoted to dafry produce,
where butter in tubs and in pound and half-pound pats

The Markets. 97

is laid out on clean cloths in trays, and offered to the on-
looking housewives by clean, wholesome-looking women
in white sleeves at a penny a pound less than they can
buy it at the shops. Eggs, packed in chaff, tempt the
thrifty dames by their size and cheapness ; a sucking-
pig, with an orange in its mouth, is stretched out at
fuU length on the tail-board of a cart, where, also, are
displayed- joints of fresh pork, guaranteed dairy fed.
Attention is drawn by vociferous merchants to the un
rivalled quality of their cheese, hams, bacon, and pickled-
pork, spread out so temptingly on boards placed upon
trestles ; ketchup in wine bottles, and tomato sauce in
jars and pickle bottles, tempt those whose tastes incline
to those condiments ; and honey in the comb and in jars
and pots make the mouths of people with a sweet tooth
water. Lovers of veal can sometimes buy in that avenue the
whole side of a calf for two shiUings or half-a-crown.
Certainly they are rather small, and the bones are not
usuaUy overburdened with meat — in fact, so little of the
latter is there to be seen that the calves when alive must
have been " staggering bobs" indeed.
Another avenue in the market is given over to the sale
of butcher's meat, where the price of a side of mutton
varies from " two bob," as the seller calls it, to half-a-
crown ; while lamb ranges from the flrst-mentioned sum
to three and sixpence, the side at the latter price appear
ing to be really good wholesome meat.
, Mutton at two shillings a side can hardly be considered
a " dainty dish to set before a king," but for a poor man
with a large famUy- whose wife, for want of means, has
not much choice in the selection of the Sunday joint, it is
well it can be had at that price. Nor can it be said of
those sides of mutton as King David spoke of his enemies,
" They are inclosed in their ovm fat," for they are about
as innocent of fat as sides of mutton can well be.
Until some authority settles the point, it will alway
be doubtful wher© veal ends and beef begins, for joints of
what is called veal are sometimes exposed for sale in that
market which should convince the most inexperienced
that, if the calf from which they had been taken had not
developed into a bullock when killed, it must have been
iust on the point of doing so. H

98 Lights and Shadows of Melbourne Life.
To enumerate the various kinds of vegetables brought
to this market would be to give a list of the whole edible
vegetation of the Colony, as nothing that grows in the
garden or orchard that omnivorous man delights in is left
out. The quantity, too, brought there every market
morning is simply astounding, and one naturaUy wonders
where it all goes to, and who they are that eat it, for
that it is eaten must be taken for granted. It shows, at
all events, that the people of Melbourne have healthy
appetites, and the means of getting the wherewithal to
satisfy them.
By five o'clock the market-gardeners are at their
¦" stands," and the dealers soon after begin to arrive, the
latter being that portion of the retailers who believe in
the proverb which tells us it is the early bird that catches
the worm. These come early to see how the market is
supplied, and to get the pick of that of which there is the
least ; thus they . steal a march upon those who prefer
their beds to business.
By six the business has commenced in earnest. The
dealers now flock in from all quarters, and as they go
round the market to see how the prices rule, their noisy
inquiries may be heard on every side, whUe the harsh
voices of the men and the shrill notes of the women are
heard in reply, coupled with the usual guarantee of the
superiority of their wares over everyone else's ; and the
chatter of the Celestials, in which " no fear " and " no
gammon" are the only words intelUgible to the bar
barian ear, adds to the din, and makes a perfect babel of
voices. It is amusing to listen to the haggUng that takes place
over nearly everything that is sold. The price asked in
the first instance counts for nothing, as the buyer's
intention to give it is as remote as the farmer's expecta
tion of getting it.
At this time, housekeepers who have a fancy for going
early to market begin to appear. Ladies, with an un
mistakable look about them of being up before their usual
time, come with their husbands or grown-up children to
get the vegetables for the morrow, and the eggs and
butter for the ensuing week. This class of customers
sometimes come from a great distance, so far indeed that
one would think the little they save in the cost of the

Tlie Markets. 99

provisions, and the trouble of carrying them homo, would
hardly compensate them for their self-denial in rising so
early; but people fancy what they buy in the market
much more than they do the things they get in the shops.
In addition to that they believe, in consequence of thefr
appetites being so much keener at breakfast time, that
early rising and the walk does them good ; and they are
undoubtedly right.
Sometimes a young newly-married couple, still in the
full enjoyment of the honeymoon, may be seen winding
their way in and out of the crowd, carrying with them
the small purchases they have made for the morrow,
which mostly consists of one or two sticks of celery, a
cauliflower, two or three pounds of apples, and, perhaps,
half a dozen eggs tied up in a handkerchief. At present
thefr -wants in that line are smaU, far different from those
of the matronly-looking lady yonder, with her four chil
dren, who come there regularly every Saturday moming.
The eldest boy staggers along under the weight of
a pUlow-case filled to its mouth -with various kinds of
vegetables, which he carries first on his shoulder, then
under his arm ; anon he clasps both his arms round it,
and bears it in front as though it were some cherished
object he held in a fond embrace. With all his attention
to his burden, however, he is not unmindful of himself, for
aU the time he is [munching an apple -with the most un
mistakable gusto. A grown-up daughter carries a basket
fiUed -with apples, as may be seen from its being so fuU
that the lid -wiU not go do-wn ; she is also eating an apple,
and from the way she distorts her pretty mouth, it is
evidently not a sweet one. One of the other boys has a
large water melon under each arm, and an apple in each
hand. The other has a basket containing butter and
eggs on one arm, and some sticks of celery and rhubarb
under the other; but, in spite of his arms being thus
occupied, he contrives to reach his mouth with the in
evitable apple. The good dame leads the way home
-with a small basket of tomatoes in one hand, and a bunch
of flowers in the, other, and is the only one of the party
who is not discussing an apple.
Young ladies and their sweethearts frequently visit the
market about this time, but more with a view to
witnessing the busy scene than to make purchases. If,
H 2

100 Lights and Shadows of Melbourne Life.
however, they do buy anything, it is a little fruit for
immediate consumption, or a bunch of flowers to take
home. Young ladies in twos and threes go round, perhaps, once
during the summer, and for ever after they tell thefr
friends they rise early and go to market, and maybe they
believe it themselves.
Elderly valetudinarian gentlemen, who cannot sleep in
the moming, stroll round when it is fine for the .benefit
of their health, or in search of an appetite.
Occasionally a couple of swells, whose seedy manners
tell of the previous night's debauch, may be seen wander
ing about the market, with no other apparent object in
view than to let people see how silly they are.
A few " vags " of all ages and both sexes, who have
just left the holes and comers where they have passed the
night, prowl round the carts and stalls with an eye to
whatever may be lying about.
Homeless children, vags in embryo, watch, with sharp,
hungry looks, for an opportunity of abstracting something
wherewith to appease their hunger.
Ownerless dogs wander in and out with tails depressed,
looking wistfully in the faces of all they meet, perhaps
in the hope of finding a new master — ^though why they
should look for one in such a crowded place, where kicks
and objurgations are all they are likely to get, is difficult
for one who is not acquainted with the working of the
canine mind to understand.
At seven o'clock the thrifty housewives continue to
arrive to buy cases of fruit for preserving, or tomatoes for
making sauce, or eggs and butter for the week's consump-
- tion, or whatever else they may require.
About this time may be heard a tremendous uproar
among the poultry. The hens scream out a shrUl protest
against being dragged out of the coop by the legs, and
having their ribs pinched by intending purchasers ; th©
geese stretch their long necks through the bars of the
crate they are confined in, and seem amazed at the
bustling crowd around them, while with piteous looks
they manifest an anxiety to get out that shows they littl©
know what the future has in store for them; but that
look of meekness gives place to a gleam of anger, and
their mild cackling changes to a cry of indignation as

The Markets. 101

they are held up by the legs, that their weight and fitness
for the table may be ascertained. Nor are the ducks
more silent than the others, while being manipulated by
those who wish to purchase them with a view to future
eggs ; and the voices of the turkeys too are heard as they
get their share of turning over and prodding by the
fingers of people who must think the poor birds have no
feeling. At eight o'clock the private purchasers still continue
to pour in, but these are mostly people who have not
sufficient resolution to rise earlier, or women who could
not leave home sooner in consequence of having to get
their husbands' breakfasts in time for them to be at work
at eight o'clock.
At nine, those who habitually come late begin to
arrive, and these are the knowing ones, who wait till the
rush of the business is over in order to get what is left at
a cheaper rate, as they know perfectly well that the
farmers and market-gardeners rather than take their
things back will sell them for what they will fetch.
Many of the late comers are costermongers, who prefer
cheapness to quaUty, and restaurant keepers, who give
a dinner of three courses for sixpence ; and to do that it is
evident they must exercise a deal of judgment in going to
market. Much amusement may be derived in listening to the
-wrangling going on between buyer and seller while a
sale is being negotiated. A Chinaman walks up to a
dealer in poultry, and asks the price of a pair of
fowls. " Four and six," responds the dealer.
" No fear," says John ; " me no givit."
He then dives his hand into the coop and pulls out an
unfortunate fowl by the legs, and feels her all over to
ascertain the amount of edible matter there may be upon
her bones.
" Too muchee," continues the Mongolian. " WeUy
small, not muchee fat, no goed. Me givit three shilling
sixpenny." 'The usual result in these cases is that they spUt the
difference, as it is called, that is, the flowery-lander would
get the fowls for four shiUings.
Few sales are effected without a deal of "chaff" on

102 Lights and Shadows of Melbourne Life.
both sides, and often angry words pass backwards and
forwards, much to the edification of those looking on.
One morning a man asked the price of a turkey.
" Seven and six," was the reply. The man' offered seven
shillings, when the farmer, an Irishman, told him to go
to a place that's much too warm to be pleasant. That of
course begot a retort quite as polite, accompanied by an
indignant protest against being spoken to in such a
manner when civilly trying to transact business. At
that the farnfer somewhat softened, and said although
he told him to go there, he didn't wish him to do so.
Upon that explanation being given, they resumed nego
tiations, and the turkey found a fresh owner at the
farmer's price.
Besides that which is required to strengthen the inner
man, many other things that are needed in a household
are to be bought in that market.
Wickerwork of- every description, from small baskets
to perambulators, occupy no small space on the flags.
Flowering shrubs and small trees, with their roots don©
up in matting, are at the command of those who delight
in arboriculture, while flowers in pots, and flowers iu
bunches, with small posies for the button-hole, silently -
appeal to those who can appreciate nature in such a
pleasant guise.
Crockeryware of the useful kind is spread out upon
the pavement in great variety and profusion. Bric-a-
brac, such as cheap chimney ornaments, and curios of aU
kinds are displayed with some taste to tempt the working-
man's wife into buying a few to ornament her parlour.
Drapery of e-very description, from a needle to a lady's
improver, is set out to the best advantage on a large
board to catch the eye of any fair visitor who may happen
to be in want of anything in that Une. .
Every description of second-hand fronmongery, such as
tools, locks and bolts, dog-chains and collars, picks, crow
bars, shovels aud coal-scuttles are thrown together in a
confused pUe, along with blocks and pulleys, shoemakers'
lasts, and iron buckets.
cheap clothing, new and second-hand, the latter
guaranteed as good as new, with hats of all shapes and
make, are there for the benefit of those whose outer man
needs readorning.

The Markets. 103

Boots and shoes, from a bab)''s shoe to a navvy's heavy
boot, and slippers in great variety, with bottles of " Peer
less gloss," " Jet blacking," and wonderful " Kid-reviver,"
may be obtained by those who stand in need of them.
Side by side with these are worsted and leather laces,
long and short, and little bags of boot protectors, at four
pence per bag, enough, as the merchant assures the
customer, to make his boots last till the uppers are worn
out.. Cheap jeweUery of all kinds is invitingly laid out to
tempt those of gaudy tastes. These latter articles must
be brought for the benefit of the country folks, to take
home to their wives or daughters or sweethearts, as the
Melbourne people have a much larger and more showy
stock to choose from in various parts of the city.
Bottles of scent and scented soap, tooth-brushes and
tooth-powder, pearl-powder, and puff-boxes, wherewith
ladies of doubtful complexion may make themselves
" beautiful for ever," are laid out by the side of boxes of
hairpins, and many other ingenious contrivances for
fastening up the ladies'- hafr.
Feather dusters, hair brooms, and scrubbing-brushes
commend themselves to the tidy housewife should she
need any, while glass ware of every kind, and cheap, can
be bought in that market, along with dolls of all sizes,
some clothed, others in the nude state, and toys of every
description, from Noah's arks to marbles.
There is a restaurant in th© market, where the market-
gardeners and others can get a substantial breakfast for
sixpence. It does one good to see with what gusto the
sausages and potatoes, saturated with what is supposed to
be gravy, are discussed by the hungry countrymen. The
ifre looks bright and cheerful, and it warms one to look
at it on a cold moming ; and the hissing of the fat in
which the -sausages, and chops, or steaks are fried, has a
cheery sound, whUe the odour arising from the onions
fried with them is of sweet savour td those going in to
partake, but it must be very tantalising to the hungry
ones standing around who lack the needful sixpence.

104 Lights and Shadows of Melbourne Life.

EESTAUEANTS.
We are indebted to the French for that very appropriate
word. It means " restorative," and is applied to a place
where the hungry, toil-weary man can get sufficiently
" restored " to resume the labours by which he earns the
-wherewithal that will procure future " restorations " for
himself and those dependent upon him.
Food is not the only want we have, though it is by far
the most urgent ; if it were, but littl© exertion would be
needed to supply it, and we should stUl be wandering
about in a state of, nature. CivUization, however, among
its other blessings, has increased our wants in an extra
ordinary manner, and made us absolutely dependent upon
one another, as we must, in order to obtain the means of
supplying our own wants, minister to those of others.
No-t the least important of those who look after the
wants of others are the restaurant-keepers, of whom there
are great numbers in Melbourne.
There are two kinds of restaurants — the high-priced
and the low. In one you pay a shilling for a meal, and
in the other sixpence. We -iise the two terms compara
tively, for a shilling is not an extravagant sum to
have to pay for a meal, but it is large as compared
with sixpence, when you can get a meal equally as good
for the latter sum. The only difference between the dear
ones and cheap is that the company in one is more select
than that in the other. The meals are precisely the same ;
the meat of as good quality, as well cooked, and as much
in quantity. It is true, those who -vrish it can have a
glass of ale with their lunch in the former, while in the
latter they have to put up with a cup of tea.
Some people like to keep up appearances — that is,
spend more in display than they can afford, and that
either leads to bankruptcy or to the deprivation of much
solid comfort.

Restaurants, 105

There are many men in whose menage the saving of
sixpence in a meal would be of great consideration, who
prefer lunching at the dearer restaurants rather than run
the risk of being seen entering or leaving one of the
cheap ones, whUe some, who always indulge in- a sixpenny
" feed," exercise a vast amount of ingenuity in trying to
make people believe that they always patronise the better
class of restaurants and luncheon-rooms. Some young
feUows, who like to keep up appearances at lunch-time,
have adopted a novel and inexpensive method of doing it.
They bring their luncheons in their pockets from home,
and having eaten them in the office or store, stroll out
and stand for ten or fifteen minutes picking their teeth in
front of one or other of the fashionable restaurants in
Collins or Swanston Streets.
Much of human nature may be learnt in a restaurant.
In private life men are restrained by the laws of society
from giving way to their natural impulses at meal times.
In the restaurant, however, it is different. There men
think only of filling the vacuities in their stomachs, and
trouble themselves but little as to what those around
them may think of the way in which it is done — of course,
-without there being anything gross or offensive about it.
Some hang thefr hats on the pegs and eat the meal
uncovered. Others keep their hats on while eating ; but
these, we have noticed, are usuaUy the baldheaded ones,
who are not particularly anxious to let people jinow of
their capillary deficiencies. Some, who at home would
never think of putting the knife to the moiith, are not so
particular here, especially when it is used to convey to it
a consignment of cabbage. Some commence almost before
the waiter, or waitress, has put the plate down, and eat
as ravenously as though they were famishing. Others
eat slowly and as deliberately as if they thought it was
the last meal they were going -to have, and wished to spin
it out as long as possible ; and one or two, we have
noticed, offer up a silent grace before making their
onslaught. Some, while eating, make as much noise
¦with the mouth as a pig does when eating, and we have
invariably noticed that the people who do that are some
what swinish in other respects. They also take care to
let their opposite neighbour see the food whUe it is
undergoing the process of mastication, and when they

106 Lights and Shadows of Melbourne Idfe.
drink, it is always with the mouth half fuU. Others
have an "affected manner at table, holding the knife and
fork as you would a pen, with elbows close to the sides,
and back as rigid as that of a boarding-school miss dining
in strange company. In fact, the way in which a htmgry
man will conduct himself in a public restaurant is a pretty
true index of his character.
In some of the dear restaurants you cannot hear what
you have ordered called out to the men in the kitchen.
In the cheap ones it is different, as, no sooner have you
told the waiter what it is jou want, than every one in the
room knows as weU 'as you do yourself what it is to be.
At first you feel rather annoyed at that. Afterwards you
don't so much mind it ; on the contrary, you begin to
take an interest in the different calls, and, if you are of a
contemplative tum of mind, you get to associate certain
dishes with certain men. You see a man come in, and,
from something in his manner, you feel convinced he -will
call for mutton broth. Another you connect -with roast
beef, and another -with boUed mutton, and you ar©
tolerably correct in all cases, though why you should
be you would find it difficult to explain.
The waiters need good memories to call out correctly
for all that has been ordered during the rush at lunch-
time. One waiter will take the orders of half-a-dozen
customers at once, which he will deUver with great
volubility in the following -manner : " Eoast beef one,
outside cut, plenty gravy." — " Boiled mutton two, one,
no sauce." — "Eoast mutton one." — "Corned beef one,
potatoes only." — " Plum one." His being able to recollect
all the things that have been ordered is, in a great
measure, the result of practice, combined -with native
smartness. But however smart a waiter may be in
delivering his orders, those in the kitchen must be
smarter stiU to receive and attend to them without
confusion, for the orders, as given above by one man
are not the only ones the cooks have to attend to at
the same time, as tvvo or three other waiters are equaUy
vociferous in making known what they want for their
customers; and while the one already mentioned is
speaking, the others are chiming in with "Eice one,"
" Eice another," " Irish stew one," " Oxtail one," " Bread
two," or whatever else the bill of fare may contain.

Restaurants. 107

The patrons of the cheap restaurants are of various
kinds — clerks with small salaries, who are not ashamed
to be seen coming out of a cheap dining-room, weU-to-
do tradesmen, and men whC don't " see " paying a shiUing
for what they can get for sixpence ; mechanics, labourers,
people who live in lodgings, and the hungry generally
whose means are limited. The habitues of the dear ones
are of a higher grade — merchants, professional men,
stock and share brokers, clerks in superior positions, and
some clerks in very low ones, shopkeepers, loungers
about to-wn, ladies in business, for -vy-hose accommodation
a room is set apart, and aU who want a meal and can
afford to pay a shiUing for it.
The presiding genii of many of these restaurant
kitchens are men of very dark complexions, though it
has never been satisfactorily explained to us in what
way they are better adapted to the business than the
Caucasian. There is doubtless some good reason, or they
would not get the preference, as the proprietors must
know that, all other things being equal, an Englishman
would rather have his food prepared by a white than
by a black man.
Every one in the kitchen, except the man who peels
the potatoes and washes up, is caUed cook — the first,
second, third, or up to whatever number there may
happen to be. Their wages range from fifty shilUngs
to a pound per week, and the washer-up gets, perhaps,
four or five shilUngs and his "tucker."
As members of society, they are decent men enough,
though somewhat given to a redundancy of language,
by using an unnecessary number of adjectives when ex
pressing thefr ideas. As a rule, they are not teetotaUers ;
there may be some among them, but if there are, we
have not the honour of their acquaintance. In personal
appearance there is an oleaginous " cookish " look about
them, as though the greasy atmosphere of the kitchen
had permeated the whole of their bodies, and was oozing
out through the pores of the face. Their habits are
not remarkable for cleanliness, though, for the matter of
that, they are not much worse than many cooks in
private families, who sometimes do their spiriting in a
manner which, if it were known in the dining-rooms,
might spoil th© enjoyment of many a nice dish.' They

108 Lights and Shadows of Melbourne Life.
are never a very healthy class of men, which may be
easily understood from the nature of their occupation,
but they are hard-working, and tolerably good feUows
in the main.
Many of the waiters have been under-ste wards on
board ships. A few are foreigners, and others take to
the line because they have a natural adaptability for it.
The nature of their occupation is Ukely to develop any
natural smartness they may possess, and give that
spryness to their motions which distinguishes them as a
class. The majority of them, however, fall far short of
their London brethren, inasmuch as their motions are
not quickened by the expectation of " backsheesh."
As a rule, they are civil and obUging, and wUl stand
any amount of grumbling -without retorting by more
than a mild deprecation ; and they sometimes have much
to put up with through the customers taking a rather
unfair advantage of an Englishman's time-honoured
privilege of grumbling about his food.
The waitresses are young damsels in not very affluent
circumstances ; but, being under the necessity of doing
something for a living, they take to waiting, in preference
to domestic service, as it is more genteel, and in every
way more agreeable to their feelings. In service they
would be called " Susan," or " Jane," or whatever else
their names might be. As waitresses, they are addressed
as " Miss So-and-sa," and spoken of as " young ladies."
Moreover, they have an opportunity of indulging in a
Uttle flirtation with the young fellows who frequent the
restaurants, which often leads to small presents, and
sometimes eventuates in marriage.
Most of them are pleasant chatty girls, and are great .
attractions to the places they are employed at, the
principal, in fact, for hundreds of young men go there
who would not if they had to be waited upon by men.
Some of them are rather outre in the matter of headgear,
and they have a strong affection for black lustre dresses ;
presumably on account, of their being more economical,
for they are not overpaid, these waitresses. Indeed, the
"screw" they get is rightly named when applied to
their wages, as their employers take care ttf screw them
down as closely as possible.
It may be easily understood that there are some men

Restaurants, 109

who dine at these sixpenny restaurants who take care to
get full value for their money. We one day saw a man
come in whose hungry looks struck us before he sat down,
and as he seated himself where we had a good view of
him, we were enabled to see that his looks were but the
outward and visible signs of a more than the average
adult male appetite. He ordered a plate of mutton
broth, and when that was finished, there was half a
smaU loaf less on the table. He then ordered a plate of
corned beef, with carrots and potatoes, which speedily
went the same way as the broth, accompanied by the
good half of another loaf. He then called for plum
pudding, and when that was gone, he appeared to be
satisfied. One might well wonder what profit could be made out
of a sixpenny dinner of three courses — soup, meat, with
vegetables, and pudding, for such are the constituents
of the meal ; but when" there be added to the things
already mentioned at least threepennyworth of bread,
the proprietor's anxiety to cultivate the patronage of
such customers must be small indeed.
In addition to the regular restaurants, there are a
number of hotels and luncheon rooms, where a lunch
may be obtained from a shilling upwards, according to th©
selection made from the carte. These places are affected
by the wealthy country visitors, the nabobs of commerce,
bank managers, and those who -wish to entertain a friend
in a manner out of the common.
There is also one place conducted a la Frangaise, where
French dishes are served up in grand style. We have
never seen " frogs " on the menu, but, doubtless, as soon
as the colonial taste has been cultivated up to that
batrachian, they will be forthcoming.
There are hotels in Melbourne, where a hungry man,
whose available cash does not amount to sixpence, can
get a good square meal and glass of ale for threepence, if
his conscience -will allow him to do so. In some of these
hotels, plates piled up with sausage-m,eat between layers-
of pastry are put upon the counters, from eleven till one,
for the free use of the customers. This is cut up into
oblong bits of a very convenient size for the mouth and is
served up cold.
We were once struck by the vigour with which a man,.

110 Lights and Shadows of Melbourne Idfe.
who had called for a glass of ale, attacked one of these plates
•of sausage-meat. He took up a piece, and in two bites it
disappeared ; then another and another foUowed after it
in quick succession, till_he had consumed a dozen".
After getting so far, he finished his ale, then, with a look
¦of contentment on his face, he gave his moustache a
t-wfrl, and sat down on the sofa to have a smoke.
In America, men of this description ar© called
*' brimmers," which means, in English, soldiers who go
foraging for food. Brimming on such a scale as that
must be exceptional, or Boniface would soon discover
-another mode of at-tracting custom less expensive than
the free lunch.
In some of the other hotels, where, sixpence is the
ruling price for drinks, a really good spread is kept qn a
table for the customers to operate upon, from eleven in
the morning till they close at night.

( 111 )

BOAEDING-HOUSES.
In aU large towns and cities, there are a great number of
homeless people. We do not mean the destitute and the
outcast, but those who, by reason of circumstances, find
it inexpedient to have homes of their own, and these
form rather a numerous class, and consist of members of
©very grade in society — M.P.'s, civil servants, clerks,
shopmen, tradesmen, labourers, and men in independent
positions. There are, also, numbers of the fair sex, such
as governesses, young ladies in business, and servants out
of place, who are obliged to board out tUl the anxiously
looked-for time arrives when they -wiU have homes of
their own. But these ladies mostly live with private
famiUes, as it is not every boarding-house keeper who
cares about mixing them with her gentlemen, as the
heart-burnings and jealousies they are the frequent cause
of add nothing to the comfort of the establishment.
There would not, perhaps, be so many damsels as there
are sighing away their existence in unwooed singleness
if bachelors only knew the comfort and independence of a
home of their own, where they could have thefr meals
how and when they liked ; where they could sit before a
fir© that radiates some heat ; where they could lie in bed
and stretch themselves without untucking the clothes at
the foot ; and where they could invite a few friends to
spend the evening, without being haunted by the fear
that their presence was only tolerated in the house.
But, alas I there is another side to that pleasing picture,
and one that Ccelebs must look at before embarking in
matrimony, or it -will force itself upon his observation
afterwards. WhUst lounging on the sofa, or stretched upon the bed,
fretting away the dreary time he is kept waiting for
dinner, he cannot- help reflecting at times upon his
forlorn position, and he wonders how much it would cost

112 Lights and Shadows of Melbourne Life.
over and above what he pays for his board to keep a wife.
Knowing the retail price of provisions, and the general
run of house rent, he is able to arrive at a pretty correct
idea as far as they go. But then there are the milliners'
and dressmakers' bills in the dim distance, and the item
for boots, and other contingent expenses ; such as doctors'
and nurses' fees, and many other inevitable disbursements
that follow in the wake of a family ; so, with a sigh, he
reconciles himself to his present position, till the advent
of those good times that have been for so long said to be
coming. In Melbourne, where such a large proportion of un
married men and others of unsettled and migratory habits
are to be found among its population, one might naturaUy
expect that boarding-houses would abound ; and, in truth,
they are as plentiful as friends in prosperity, especiaUy
on the western side of the city. The suburbs on the
east, north, and south, are also rich in these places;
but they are patronised by the more settled portion of
the toilers and moUers of Melbourne.
The wharf and the Spencer Street terminus being on
the western side, that locality gets nearly all the new
arrivals, whether from Europe, the other colonies, or the
up-country districts.
Boarding-houses may be divided into two sorts, pubUc
and private. There are also numbers of highly respectable
people, professional men, and other.«, who, having a room
or two more than they want for their o-wn use, let them,
as much for the sake of having them occupied and for
company as for anything else. Others take in boarders
in order to supplement their incomes without being under
the necessity of doing so ; and some, strange as it may
appear, do it exclusively for amusement.
Public boarding-houses consist of hotels and large
private buildings, sometimes dignified by the title of
" Temperance Hotel." In many of the latter th©
accommodation is regulated not so much by the number
of cubic- feet of breathing space aUowed to each sleeper as
by the number of beds the room will hbld, and that, too,
in spite of anything the corporation bye-laws may say to
the contrary, notwithstanding. So little regard have the
proprietors of some of these places for anything but
money-making, that the beds are placed so closely

Boarding Houses, 113

together that the lodgers can scarcely get between them ;
and they would be piled upon one another in bunks, as
they are in the steerage of an emigrant ship, if they
could get anyone to submit to it.
.People in search of lodgings in Melbourne may
very soon find what they want. The only difficulty
likely to arise would be from having so many to choose
from. Hospitable notices meet the eye on every side.
Some hang out large signs, whereon is written " board
and residence ; " others have a genteel card in the window
with the same announcement; whilst some advertise in
the papers, to inform the homeless where their address
cards may be obtained. The proprietors of some of the
larger boarding-houses and hotels have another way of
making thefr establishments known ; namely, by touts,
euphemistically called " runners." It is the business of
these men to board the newly-arrived ships at the wharf
or Sandridge ; or invade the raUway terminus, and bring
away as many of the fresh arrivals as they can to the
houses they represent. These men are not quite so bad
as the " commissionaires " at the ports of arrival on the
continent of Europe. They do not seize you bodily, nor
walk off with your luggage -vrithout your permission, or
indulge in any of the annoying peculiarities the others
take so much delight in. Neither are they as intelligent,
the continentals being frequently masters of several
languages, while many of the Melbourne touts appear to
know very little of their o-wn, except its expletives.
The personal appearance of some of these men would be
a strong recommendation to a respectable person not to go
to the houses they in-vite him to. But as the people they
keep the sharpest look out for are diggers, shepherds, or
others who have come do'wn to Melbourne to spend their
sa-vings, and who are not very particular in their habits,
or delicate in their tastes, the proprietors of the houses
they tout for must find it to their advantage to keep
them, or they would not do so. Some of these men, in
thefr dealing -with their employers, have rather crude
ideas, as to what is right. A publican once told us that
one of his runners, to whom he gave a. pound a week and
his keep, was in the habit of taking part of the new
arrivals he picked up to other houses, for the sake of the
fee he got of so much per head. A smart way of doing

114 Lights and Shadoivs of Melbourne Idfe,
business that, and one which there can be no doubt they
frequently indulge in. Those landlords who do not keep
runners usually give cabmen so much per head for every
boarder they bring them.
Boarding-house keeping in the good old times, as some
people are fond of speaking of the early days of our city,
was a highly lucrative business. Three or four pounds
per week was the sum demanded for accommodation no
better than can now be obtained for a pound or thirty
shillings. The prices now range from two pounds to
fifteen shillings per week, washing included.
Of course there are boarding-houses and boarding-
houses. In some your comfort is the principal thing
attended to ; in others, the object aimed at is to get as
much out of you as possible. Some landladies are kind-
hearted, and gentle in manner, always good humoured,
and only unhappy when they think their boarders are
hot comfortable. Others are ill-tempered, grasping, loud-
¦voiced, and vulgar, and always miserable because they
think their boarders are getting too much for the money
they pay.
As the comfort of home depends so much upon the
temper and disposition of the presiding genius, it may be
very easily understood that your comfort does not depend
so much upon what you pay as it does upon your land
lady, and those by whom she is surrounded. You may
be far more comfortable in a place where you only pay
eighteen shillings than in another where you pay thfrty.
Some landladies are all you could desire, on the score
of leaving your things as they find them, or if they do put
you to any inconvenience, it is done unintentionaUy, and
solely with a view of keeping things tidy. One evening
we missed our spectacles ; we searched all over the room
without being able to find them. We asked the landlady
if she had seen them. She had not. We then had
another seaioh, with the same results as on the first
occasion. It then occurred to us to ask the servant if she -
had done anything with them. She said, in putting the
room "straight " that morning, she had put them into the
case, thinking chat vvas the proper place for them.
Perhaps she wa.3 right, but it was the last place in the
world where we should ha-ve thought of looking with any
expectation of finding them.

Boarding Houses, 115

Other landladies are not so particular, for they claim a
vested right in the use of whatever they see lying about
belonging to you. Your clothes brushes are in general
requisition ; your scissors are only to be found after a
weary hunt all over the house ; and your razors are
frequently used for cutting corns. The children, when
there are any, invade your room, and convert it into a
playground ; while the cats and dogs prefer sleeping on
your bed to anywhere else ; and if you are absent for a
night or two, some member of the family is sure to be
put to sleep in your bed. Nor are these the only incon
veniences you have to put up with. Troubles of another
kind await you. Hot water for shaving is a luxui-y not
coming strictly within the categoi-y of " board," though
you can sometimes get it, if you choose to wait, which is
not always convenient for those who have business to
attend to. Then your breakfast is often late in conse
quence of your landlady not being able to see the advan
tage of early rising, for so fond are some ladies of their
beds that they stick to them with a tenacity only equalled
by that with which a barnacle clings to a ship's bottom ;
and when they do leave them, it is as regretfully as
though the separation were for ever.
People who leave their beds -with such reluctance
usually excuse their late rising by saying they must
have a certain amount of rest. Just so. It is strange
these good folks do not try the experiment of taking to
thefr beds a little earUer at night, instead of putting it
off, as some of them do, till long after the cock has
announced the beginning of another day. If they would
only reflect, they would find ihat by retiring two hours
earUer, they could rise an hour sooner, with the clear gain
of one hour's bed. Nor is this the only advantage they
would derive from the change, for the extra time they
would have at their disposal would enable them to culti-
-vate a few smUes before it was time to serve up breakfast.
Many of the public boarding-houses are presided over
by daughters of Erin, who take to the business with great
aptitude and considerable success ; for the Irish diggers,
and other up-country folks of the same nationality, who
visit Melbourne in such numbers, always patronise their
country-women for the sake of " Owld Ireland."
As a mie, these places are not remarkable for cleanli-
I 2

116 Lights and Shadows of Melbourne Life,
ness, nor is the bedding by any means luxurious, while
quantity in the food is thought to be of more conse
quence than quality. Beefsteak and onions, with plenty of
" spuds," is the usual breakfast in these houses ; and
a very substantial meal it is to begin the day with,
especially if care be taken to provide a tough steak.
Good livings are to be made in these places, and even
little fortunes accumulated, which enable th© proprietors
to retire, and moralise upon the omnivorous habits of
man. With aU that however, many of them are not
satisfied. They look upon themselves as a hardly used
race ; victims to people with healthy appetites, who are
unreasonable enough to eat as much as they require, when
they know that everything in the shape of provisions has
" gone up."
It is natural to expect that an upward tendency in
the price of food wiU have a correspondently depressing
effect upon the minds of housekeepers in general, and
boarding-house keepers in particular, for whatever may
be the price of provisions, they get no more from thefr
boarders, and it is too much to expect they -will pay four-
,pence per pound for mutton with the same equanimity
they would twopence ; or two shilUngs per pound for
butter when tenpenny would do as well, if they could
only get it.
Boarding-house keeping at the present day, Uke many
other things, has almost been reduced to a science, which
teaches how to extract' as much profit as possible out of
boarders, compatible witih keeping thefr bodies in a healthy
state, and satisfying their hunger at meal times. Of course
some ladies have a better aptitude for the business than
others, and will, by judicious management, make more out
of boarders at sixteen or eighteen shUlings per week than
others wiU out of those who pay a pound, and treat them
better into the bargain. These are the only ones who
rise to eminence in the profession, and they are compara
tively few in number, for what has been said of a poet
applies equally to a boarding-house keeper, nascitur non fit.

( 117 )

CHUECHES.
The Church of Christ in Melbourne has many names, and
is governed under many forms. It is divided and sub
divided into many sects, each with a different designation,
and each with a separate place of worship, whether it be a
duly consecrated church, or chapel, or whether a theatre
or music-hall has been hfred for the occasion. The ad
herents of each of these sects say that Christ is the
foundation upon which their hopes are buUt. So far so
good. Now the end every Christian has in view is, or
ought to be, eternal life ; and Christ pointed out the way
to that end in a manner that could be grasped by the
understanding of a child. Yet learned men wrangle and
dispute as to which it is. Each sect says there is but one
way, and that is the one they have chosen, and they who
foUow any other only journey on to damnation.
The ministers of the Gospel in this city are, as a rule,
pious, hard-working and earnest men, many of whom
have to great learning joined a simple mind, and who
look upon the office of Christ's ministry as far greater
and more to be desired than the crown of a king. These
men try to win souls to Christ, not by denunciation, but
by exhortation; they look upon poor erring mortals as
their Master did, and know well it is better to reclaim
them by words of hope than harden them in thefr sins by
assurances of eternal -wrath.
A clergyman's life in Melbourne is certainly not one of
ease. There are no prizes or high positions in the Church
- to be obtained here, as there are at home. Hard work
and small stipends are nearly all he has to look forward
to ; and in the face of that, a man need be earnest in the
work he has to do. There are a few clergymen pretty
well paid, but many of them have not a larger income
than can be commanded by a skilful artisan, and out of
that they must keep up an appearance, and bestow some-

118 Lights and Shadows of Melbourne Idfe.
thing in charity. Nor does a clergyman receive the same
amount of consideration here as at home. In England, to
the treatment he is entitled to as a gentleman is added a
feeling of respect for his office. In all young cities men
have not much time for the cultivation of bumps of venera
tion ; moreover, they are apt to look upon one man as being
as good as another, if not a little better, so, without meaning
any disrespect, they merely regard him as a clergyman
whose business it is to lookafter their salvation, in retum for
the threepenny bits they give weekly towards his stipend.
Others there are, and not a few of them, who treat him
still worse, for they appear to~ think he ought to work for
nothing, which he would certainly have to do if everyone
were of the same way of thinking. These enUghtened-
peopl© say, " They hate to go to church because the
plate is always shoved under their noses " ; and as they
have an equally strong objection to church rates and the
State aid, it is difficult to understand how, in thefr opinion,
the money necessary for the due celebration of Divine
service is to be obtained.
The demeanour of our fellow-citizens in church is as
becoming as that of any congregation in the world; and
we often think, when we see them looking so pious, and
so mild and gentle, what a blessing it wotdd be for the
world at large if people could only fancy it was always
Sunday, and that they were always in church. We
should have fewer wars, and less .'quarreUing and back
biting, for whatever our feelings might be one towards
another, we should make no open manifestation of them,
but keep our ill-humour to ourselves tUl something else
had dislodged it from our minds.
Certainly there is a little harmless criticism carried on,
but it only extends to the undue length of Miss Bro-wn's
train, as she sweeps along the aisle ; or to the fright Mrs.
Jones looks in her new bonnet; or how Mrs. Eobinson
wears hers too far forward. No open display of temper is
ever indulged in, except occasionally, when people come
rather late and find their seats occupied ; but the cloud
soon passes away and the Sunday look once more beams
forth. " God loveth a cheerful'giver." One would think that
the denomination of the coin dropped into the offertory
plate would depend, in a great measure, upon the means

Churches, 119

of the giver. But that is not always the case, for, as a
rule, the poorer members of a congregation are far more
liberal than the richer.
What was said of the widow's mite in the olden time
holds good at the present day. The copper of a person to
whom a penny is of consequence is more acceptable than
the shUling or half-crown of the man to whom the loss of
thousands would be as nothing.
The manner of giving is always regulated by the value
of the coin bestowed. The threepenny bit is dropped into
the plate without any display whatever. The sixpence is
deposited rather more openly ; and the shilling is dropped
in with a decided' chink. A great rattle is made when
the half-crown falls out of the donor's hand, and he
always looks as unconcerned as though it were nothing to
him. There is a musical jingle about the sovereign as it
drops among the silver that is pleasant to the collector's
ears, though, unfortunately, it is seldom heard in the
Anglican churches ; and there is a subdued rustle about
the cheque or banknote as it is quietly and unostenta
tiously dropped into the plate.

120 Lights and. Shadoivs of Melbourne Idfe.

THli MELBOUENE PEEIPATETICS.
In all civilised communities there are numbers of traders
carrying on business in the open air, wandering about the
highways and byways, seeking customers wheresoever
they may be found.
Our peripatetic merchants are numerous as a body, and
their merchandise embraces most of the articles that are
useful or necessary to our existence ; moreover, they are
industrious in habit, and, as a rule, fafrly honest, though
their pounds do occasionally faU short of the orthodox
number of ounces. But that may be owing to the example
set them by tradesmen holding a far higher position in
the commercial world, who may be detected in reducing
weights, abbreviating measures, or sophisticating what we
eat and drink, without their social status being in any
way damaged thereby.
Some of our street dealers confine their operations to
one line alone ; others are not so particular, but go in for
whatever appears likely to yield the greater profit,
whether it be fish, -wUd fowl, rabbits, vegetables, or fruit.
The ages of our peripatetics range from three or four
years to more than man's aUotted number — three-score
and ten ; and, as may.be expected, with the -two extremes
of age, we see the two extremes of bodily condition.
There are children with the lithe limbs and keen looks of
those who have graduated in the gutters, running about
selling the evening paper ; and old men in the last stage
of beery decrepitude staggering along selUng wax matches.
The majority of them, however, are strong, hearty men,
and they need be, for they have heavy loads to carry and
wheel about the streets from early morn till sometimes
late at night.

The Melbourne Peripatetics. 121
They are useful, too, for by their means housekeepers
can get what they want -without the trouble of fetching
it from the shops.
There is another and .very numerous class of peri
patetics, who do not work -with so much credit to them
selves, nor with the same advantage to the rest of the
community, namely, the beggars, and with them we wiU
begin.

122 Lights and Shadows of Melbourne Life.

THE BEGGAES.
The beggars of Melbourne may be di-rided into three
classes — :the blind, the pretended blind, and the wide
awake ones.
Some of these blind men have known Ufe in many of
its phases, or, as it is popularly put, they have seen many
" ups and downs " in their time ; whUe the antecedents
of others would hardly stand the test of a very close
scrutiny. One, whose sightless eyes excite the compassion of the
passers-by, was, if report speak truly, the hero of an
adventure that has both a serious and a comic side to it.
Some years ago he foUowed the not very highly thought
of, though perhaps lucrative business of boot blacking,
outside one of the banks in New Zealand. At.that time his
eyes must have been pretty sharp, for, watching for what
is commonly called a " slant," he slipped into the bank,
and slipped out again with a large amount of gold, some
say three thoiisand pounds worth, without being detected.
He gave this gold into the keeping of an accompUce, -with
instructions to take it to Melbourne, and wait there till
he came, when they would divide it between them.
To divert suspicion from himself he continued his
occupation outside the bank as usual, which he not only
succeeded in doing, but was actually employed by the
bank authorities as a detective, to watch the people who
went into and left the bank, and to report whatever he
saw of a suspicious nature. How he must have chuckled
to himself as he thought how easily he could " spot " the
thief if he had felt disposed.
After the affair had somewhat blo-wn over, he came to
Melbourne, to join his mate and divide the spoil. On
arriving here he found his friend had extended his journey

Beggars. 123
to England, and had taken the gold with him, forgetting,
in the hurry of departure, to leave an address behind
him. On making that discovery the rage of the baffied one
knew no bounds, which is hardly to be wondered at when
all the circumstances of the case are taken into considera
tion. He swore if he ever came across the runaway he
would kUl him, and there is no doubt he would have kept
his word ; but the other was far too astute to give him a
chance of adding murder to his other sins. How different
must have been the emotions of these two men ! While
one was gnashing his teeth with rage at being outwitted,
the other must have been chuckling over the successful
issue of his piece of double rascality, as he sped away to
the land where he hoped to enjoy the full benefit of it.
" Honour among thieves " is a pretty saying, no doubt,
and rather sentimental to boot, but it is not 'always
acted up to in light-fingered circles. What honour there
is among them is that begotten of fear. A thief knows
very well that if he " peach " on a pal for one affair, that
pal will " round " on him for something else ; and that is
where the honour comes in. If one thief can " best "
another without being found out, he will do so. Or, if he
can " put him away," without its being known to anyone
but the police, he wUl, of course, for a consideration.
It is the same sort of honour that regulates the division
of the proceeds of robberies. Two men " work " together
at pocket-picking. The one who abstracts the puise
" sUngs " — that is, hands it to his mate, who immediately
'" laminases," c^est-a-dire, clears out -with it, the two meet
ing afterwards in some pre-arranged spot to divide the
contents. In the meantime, however, the receiver has
been careful to " go over," or examine the purse to see
what it contains. Its contents may be, say, ten pounds,
which, di-vided between two, is exactly five pounds each.
There being no possibiUty of the one who stole the purse
kno-wing what it contained when it left its owner's
possession, the one who received it can take out as much
as he thinks proper, without the other being any the
wiser. Accordingly, number two helps himself to, maybe,
five pounds, and puts that into his pocket as his first
share of the spoil. When the two worthies meet, and
examine the purse, it is found to contain five pounds,

124 Lights and Shadows of Melbourne Idfe.
which is two pounds ten apiece. Thus one gets seven
pounds ten shillings out of the ten pounds, and the other
gets the balance. That is the honour that rules among
Messieurs les voleurs.
One well-known blind beggar of Melbourne" lost his
sight while blasting rock at Pentridge, where he had to
do a five years' rustication for burglary. When the prison
. doctor had patched him up, the authorities, seeing he
could be of no further use to them, kindly remitted the
unserved portion of his sentence, and sent him out into
the now, to him, darkened world to do the best h© could
. for himself. He took to begging, as the readiest means
of getting a living, and has Tp.ow a good " connection "
among the street givers, and does very well. He may be
seen plying his calling at all public gatherings ; he lives
in clover, and enjoys his beer.
Some of these blind beggars are said to have grown
comparatively wealthy through the benevolence of the
soft-hearted. One, it was reported, had a rent-roU that
would have kept him in comfort; another had money
invested in various ways which brought him in a good
income ; while yet another, who lived in his own
suburban viUa, was wont to come to his " stand " in to-wn
every morning in a cab. These men are not doing so well
now as they did formerly, owing to the greatly increased
number of bUnd men who have joined thefr ranks, though
where they all come from it would be difificult to say.
The blind men already in possession of the streets
" look '' with no friendly eyes, upon any interloper who
locates himself anywhere near one of their stands. They
are great protectionists, and say their calling ought to be
protected the same as most others are, though how it is to
be done, whether by a poll-tax or a pole-axe, they are
unable to say, but there can be no doubt they would much
prefer the latter method of keeping the number down.
Though not doing so well now as formerly, they aU
manage to get a good " crust, ' as they call it. Some are
saving in disposition; others spend all they can get in
riot and debauchery, knowing full well that when they
can no longer " work," a home will be found for them in
the Benevolent Asylum, or Immigrants' Home. Some
live in fairly decent homes ; others dwell amidst the
filth and squalor of the back slums, or hide their orgies

Beggars. 125
from the common gaze in some secluded right-of-way
running off one of the little streets.
These blind beggars are, as a rule, uxorious in habit,
and each has a housekeeper to prepare his meals and take
care of the place while he is away.
One of these amorous old fellows named Peter once
tried the experiment of having two wives, but, finding it
didn't work smoothly, he got rid of the dupUcate at the
end of the second day. It seems his wife, who had to
take him his dinner every day at one o'clock, found, when
she got back one day, that some one had broken open the
back door and robbed the house. It had evidently been
done by some one well acquainted with the place, for no
search had been made for money, or any light articles of
value, but the thieves went straight for the blankets and
walked off -with them.
When Peter got back that evening and heard what had
happened, his emotions, as may be expected, were of the
liveUest, as it was -winter time, and the blankets were of
the best quality, for h©- always liked to be warm and
comfortable at night. Although th© woman was away at
the time waiting upon the old scoundrel, that, in his
opinion, did not absolve her from blame, and as he was
not likely to get hold of the guilty parties, he took it out
of her " hide," as he called it, or, in other words, gave her
a most unmerciful beating.
In thinking the matter over the next moming, he came
to the conclusion that, in order to prevent the same thing
occurring again, it would be advisable to supplement his
present wife vrith another, so- as to hav© one always at
home to mind the house while the other was away with
his dinner. On broaching the matter to his wife, that
lady set herself resolutely against it, and threatened all
manner of direful things in the event of its taking place,
among which was burning down the house and roasting
him and the interloper together. After an exceedingly
mauvais quart d'heure for both parties, he brought Tier over
to his way of thinking by a repetition of the previous
night's treatment, when she consented to live on amicable
terms with her new associate.
Peter found no difficulty in getting another help-meet,
nor would he have' had if he had wanted half-a-dozen ; he
brought her home that same evening, and celebrated the

126 Lights and Shadows of Melbourne Life,
event in the usual way, by inviting a few select friends to-
spend the evening with them.
The first thing the two ladies did after their husband
had gone to business the next moming was to have a
fight, which, with intervals for mutual abuse, they kept
up so long and so furiously that they forgot all about the
old man's dinner. That worthy, finding his dinner did
not come at the usual time, began to wonder what could
be the cause of it, as the woman had hitherto been so
punctual in bringing it. He waited till three o'clock,
when hunger and curiosity drove him home, with a view
of getting both satisfied. On arriving at his abode he
" felt " a great crowd outside the house, and heard the two
women inside fighting and screaming like wUd cats.
Within a very few seconds after Peter's arrival the three
of them were hard at it, the blind man distributing his
blows with strict impartiality between the other two.
Having restored order, he wanted to know how it was
he hadn't had his dinner as usual; and, as neither of
them could tell, he caught hold of the one nearest to him
and re-commenced the punching process. This time the
newcomer was the recipient ; the old one, taught by
experience, took care to have the table between her and
her master, as she always did, if possible, whenever- he
"took on."
Having somewhat calmed down, he ordered the t-wo
women to get his dinner ready in as short a space of time
as possible ; and while the one who was least damaged in
person and clothes went to the butcher's for some sausages,
the other lit the fire and got the frying-pan ready to cook
them in. As soon as the woman returned, Peter told her
to take the billy to the public-house at the corner of the
lane and get a shilling's-worth of beer, suggesting at the
same time she had better not drink any of it on the way,
or she would get none when she got back. "When she
came in with the beer, the suspicious old blackguard took
the billy from her and placed it upon the table, then,
with the forefinger of his right hand, gauged its contents
to see if there was the proper quantity. Being satisfied
on that point, he took a drink, and sat down in readiness
for dinner.
Having made a hearty meal, and washed it down by a
copious infiow of beer, some of his good humour returned,

Beggars, 127
and he sent for another shilling's-worth of beer and a
shilling's-worth of rum. They all sat down to talk the
matter over, and by the time the last supply of liquor
had been disposed of, they were the best friends in the
world, and they finished up the night with a triangular
kissing-match. The next morning things went on so pleasantly that
Peter began to think that the bigamous state was a
decided improvement over the one-wife arrangement, and
he wondered he had never tried it before.
While the new " missis " was preparing the breakfast,
¦the other wet the corner of a towel and wrapped it round
her hand; then, rubbing some soap on it, wiped the old
man's face, using all the time the endearing expressions a
mother does when operating upon her child in the same
way. Ha-ving cleaned and dried his face, she turned her
attention to his hands, and having done them to her
satisfaction, she combed his hair and whiskers, and helped
him to get inside his coat. When Peter started out for
business that morning, he felt happier and more comfort
able than he had done for many a long day.
As the two women had on the previous night promised
not to fight any more, they felt bound to keep their
pledge. But, in doing that, they went to the other
extreme, and became exceedingly affectionate, which led
to the consumption of sundry jugs of beer, with the result
that, when their lord and master's dinner-time came
round, they were both too drunk to attend to it ;.
consequently, he had to come home once more for his
mid-day meal. When he got inside, he found them
locked in each other's arms, fast asleep on the bed, which
had such an effect upon him that he got hold of the
newcomer and dragged her off the bed and into the lane,
where she lay tUl a policeman took her to the lock-up as
drunk and incapable.
Although Peter had been so pleased with the new order
of things in the moming, he came to the conclusion before
he went to bed that having two wives in one hou sel s a
mistake, unless the husband is always there to keep an
" eye " upon them ; but as, in consequence of his being
away aU day, he could not do that, he made up his mind
to return to what dii^lomatists caU the status quo ante.
The position of housekeeper to one of these blind men

128 Lights and Shadows of Melbourne Life.
is one much sought after by a certain class of middle-aged
women, whose notions of propriety are somewhat lax.
Easy as these men find it to get a new "wife," they
sometimes have great trouble in getting rid of the old
one, not that there are any legal difficulties tb be over
come, but owing to the lady's objection to be superseded.
As no minister of reUgion has ever blessed the union, a
divorce according to law is, of course, not necessary,
neither is the process of separation as slow and expensive
as it would be if left to the lawyers, but it is quite as
vexatious while it lasts, and is equally as amusing to the
denizens of the right-of-way in which it occurs as it
would be if done in an open court for the edification of
an admiring public.
When, owing to incompatibility of temper, or a
" drunk " of more than the average length on the lady's
part, blind Tom, or, Dick, or Harry thinks a change of
wife would be to his advantage, he brings home a new
one to replace the one in disgrace. Then the trouble
begins. The lady in possession refuses, in language
largely interspersed with adjectives, to renounce her
conjugal rights, and expresses her determination to
prevent the new bride's nuptial couch being one of
roses. The latter retorts in a phraseology quite as
©legant as the other's, and when they have both ex
hausted their stock of Billingsgate, they " go " for each
other like two wild cats. If the newcomer is the better
of the two in the ad hominem line of argument, the
blind man leaves the settlement of the question in her
hands. Should victory, however, incUne to the side of
th© discarded one, he " pitches in " also, and between
the two she soon gets enough.
The battle over, the vanquished one is allowed to pack
up her few "rags," as women of this class caU their
clothes, and depart. If, however, she accepts with
resignation the new order of things, that is, regards
the divorce as un fait accompli, she is allowed to remain,
and join in the " spree," which always follows one of
these weddings.
When a rough-and-tumble fight, participated in by
three, takes place in a small room, there is sure to be a
deal of confusion among the furniture ; and when plates
and jugs, aud other domestic utensils are used as missiles.

Beggars, 129
as they generaUy are in these affrays, there is likely to be
a considerable amount of wreckage among the more fragile
articles. When peace is restored, the room has to be put straight
before the wedding festivities can begin, and the two
women set about doing that with as much cordiality as
though their late contention had been a game at cards.
There is one good trait to be found in the natures of this
class of people, and that is, however fiercely their tongues
may have wagged at each other, or however bitterly
they may have fought, they are always willing, as soon
as the blood has cooled down, to let "bygones be by
gones." The two ladies, having put the front room in order,
retire to the back to rearrange thefr own disordered
garments, and smooth their dishevelled locks, which
usually get very much tangled in these struggles. Beer
is then sent for, and a few neighbours in-vited to join in
the carouse, which is kept up till there is a general all
round " drunk."
There was once a rather unexpected termination to on©
of these wedding feasts.
A blind man, whom we will call Jim, being dissatisfied
with his housekeeper, resolved to " chuck her up," as he
called it, and get another one to take her place. Out of
the goodly number he had to choose from, he selected a
lady who was highly recommended as being in every way
suitable for him, she being a good cook, and fairly clean
in her habits. She had just finished a " stretch," that is,
three months in the Melbourne gaol ; but that in Jim's
- opinion was rather an advantage than otherwise, as he
preferred a lady just out of prison to one who had been
out a long time, as she has had to submit to a cleansing
process sh© would have been a stranger to had she been at
large. During the spree which Jim gave in honour of his
Spousailles the newly-made bride displayed a capacity for
swaUowing beer that was looked upon as remarkable,
even by the thirsty souls around her, and a cantankerous-
ness when half drunk that convinced the fickle bride
groom his new -wife was no improvement upon the old, so,
thinking he had better have to do with a devU he knew
than with one he didn't, he kicked her out into the lane,
K

130 Lights and Shadows of Melbourne Life.
and took back to his arms the one he had so recently
divorced. There are several well-trained dogs attached to the
blind brotherhood, to act as guides and keep them out
of danger as they go to and from their stands. These
dogs know where their masters want to go as well as
they do themselves, and, also, what public-houses to
stop at.
Besides the reaUy blind, there are some only partially
so, but these " fox " total blindness with much about the
same pecuniary results their more " favoured " brethren
acquire by exhibiting the genuine article.
The other beggars are even more undesirable as mem
bers of society than the blind ones, as they lead quite as
vicious lives, and have not the same excuse for taking to
begging as a means of living. They are not aU such old
and decrepit men as may be seen about Melbourne ; but
many of them are strong and vigorous, and quite able, if
they were compelled, to earn the food they eat. The old
men confine themselves entirely to Melbourne, the younger
ones " work " the suburbs, and ask for employment, as a
preliminary to asking for money. These latter extract
more from the fears than from the compassion of those '
they soUcit. Their way of going to work evinces con
siderable knowledge of human nature, at least human
nature as displayed by females in an unprotected state.
They begin, in a fawning manner and whining tone, by
asking if the lady can give them some work by which
they can earn a trifle to buy food for their famUies. Of
course they neither want nor expect work, and if they
can get money by being civil, weU and good ; if not, they
put on a browbeating air that goes straight to the under
standings, if not to the hearts, of females who know they
have no male protector near.
Sometimes food is offered them, but they speedUy let
it be known it is not altogether that they want, but
a few coppers to get a powder or some other medicine fqr
a sick child. Some will reject the proffered food with
disdain, others will take it and throw it away as soon as
they are out of sight ; while yet others go to work in a
more artful manner. These will take the food, and take
up some position where they can be seen from the house,
and pretend to eat it as ravenously as though _they had

Beggars. 131
eaten nothing for a week ; though the greater part of it
goes into the coat pocket instead of into the stomach.
These men only beg in the suburbs. In town they are
loafers, hanging about the threepenny taps as long as
their money lasts. When it is all gone, they resume
their travels tiU their exchequer is sufficiently well
replenished to enable them to have another " booze."
The old men about town are quite as clever in extracting
money from the pockets of the kind-hearted by exciting
their compassion, as the younger ones in the suburbs are
in quickening the charity of the timorous by playing
upon their fears.
Frequently as you walk along the street, some dissolute-
looking old feUow, who appears to be only able to retain
the perpendicular by means of a walking-stick, will
approach you and say, " Have you got a copper, sfr, to
give a poor old man who has had nothing to eat for forty
eight hours ? God bless you, sfr ; give me something to
get a meal with." Now, perhaps, you may be hungry
yourself, and will pity hipi accordingly; or you may
have just had a good lunch, and -will feel charitably
disposed; then your hand will go into your pocket, and
you vriU be sixpence the poorer as to the currency, but
ten times the amount richer in the satisfaction of thinking
you have done a good deed, when all you have done has
been to enable this man to put himself outside of two
pints of beer.
Sometimes they vary the tale; often they are tired
with walking day and night, and have only threepence,
which they show, towards paying for a bed; and they
implore you to make it up to sixpence, so that they may
have at least a night's rest.
The existence of these men simply consists of two parts
— ^begging by day, and drinking at night ; the little food
they are able to take being eaten whenever they feel
inclined for it — which is seldom, for they appear to Uve
almost upon what they call "suction," which, in their
case, means beer.
Begging, like other professions, is governed by certain
rules of etiquette, any infringement of which draws upon
the offending one the reprobation of the entire body.
One article of their un-written law is, that one man may
not "-0 on another's " beat ; " should he do so, "the others
° • K 2

132 Lights and Shadows of Melbourne Life.
contrive, by some means or other, to make it extremely
"hot "for him.
The female beggers are no improvement upon the
males in respect of habits or tastes, nor are their ante
cedents any better ; but, if anything, rather worse. As
long as anything in the shape of good looks remained,
they found the means of living in other directions ; but,
now that drink has made them too loathsome for that kind
of life, no other resource than begging is left them for
the miserable remnant of their days, unless it be a sojourn
in Her Majesty's gaol.
They frequently go about accompanied by one or two
children, which are not their own, but borrowed for the
occasion, of course, for a consideration. We have not
been able to discover sufficient to justify us in saying that
children are regularly hired out here for begging purposes
as they are in London, but that they are sometimes lent>
is weU known.
In London, children are not only hired out to beggars,
but they are manufactured for the purpose. The bUnd'
child seen with the beggar woman has, in all probabiUty,
had its sight destroyed by chemicals, or in some other
way. The poor little cripple who so excites the pity of
the tender-hearted has had its limbs distorted by
bandages, or- other mechanical appliances. The sickly-
looking child has been " dosed " till it has been brought
to death's door, and, nothing but the fear of being
hanged keeps the wretches who torture it from letting it
pass through.
More little ones are required to keep the market well
supplied with moribund children than there are to keep
up the stock of blind ones and cripples. A child may be
blinded or crippled without any fatal results; but its
system cannot be tampered with beyond a certain Umit
without endangering its life, so the little one, after being
kept as long as prudence allows, is permitted to recover,
and others treated in the same way to take its place.
This is no imaginary sketch, but a recital of what
actually occurred within our own recollection.
The children thus treated are not unfrequently stolen
from perambulators left carelessly guarded, or from little
nurse girls by a respectable looking woman, who kindly

Beggars. 133
holds the baby while the girl goes just round the corner
to get some lollies.
The female beggars who " do " the suburbs mostly take
baskets -with them to carry away the scraps of food they
may hav© given to them, which, by-the-way, they never
eat, but give it to those who will, or throw it away on
the first opportunity. The London beggars are -wiser in
their generation, for they take their " scran bags " to the
" padding kens," and sell the broken victuals to whoever
-wiU buy it. Some of our female mendicants call regularly
at certain houses, where they always get tea and sugar
given to them by the kind-hearted people they impose
upon by weU-concocted tales of sickness and poverty.
This is afterwards sold to their acquaintances for what it
will fetch, which is usuaUy threepence ; and for that sum
the purchasers get about a shilling's worth of tea and
sugar.

134 Lights and Shadows of Melbourne Life.

MATCH-SELLEES.
It is hard to say by what process the first spark of arti
ficial fire was kindled, as the event occurred so long
before men understood the art of recording their trans
actions ; but it was doubtless brought into existence by
the friction of two pieces of wood, as is done at the
present day by those savages who know not matches.
History describes Archimedes as a mighty fire-kindler
by means of the burning glass, and, of course, we must
accept history as we find it ; though, it may appear to
some that the means he is said to have employed to
destroy the Eoman ships savour somewhat more of the
ben trovato, than they do of the vero.
The oldest known civilised method of obtaining fire
was that of the flint and steel, the sparks from which
were caught by decayed wood, or something reduced by
burning to what we call tinder.
We can well remember the old tinder-box process of
obtaining a light, and many a time when we have heard
in the daik the "nick, nick" of the flint and steel, and
have seen the sparks fly, we .have thought it the most
wonderful thing in creation. When tbe tinder has
caught, we have watched the tiny spark as it grew under
the blowing of the operator, and have seen the tip of the
match applied to it ; and as the feeble blue light first
illumined the face held over the box, and then graduaUy
expanded into the full blaze of the match, we "have felt
awe-stricken and subdued.
The tinder-box went out as the locomotive came in. It
had been a good servant; so had the stage-coach, but
they both became too slow for the age, or rather, the age
had become too fast for them, so one had to give way to
the iron horse, and the other was supplanted by the
lucifer.

Match- Sellers. 135

The lucifer was then a thin flat match, and was ignited
by being drawn between two leaves of sand-paper. That
was speedily improved upon by the congreve match,
which was more readily lit by rubbing it against the
bottom of the box, or on any rough surface. That method
of lighting the match has not been superseded, nor is it
likely to be, as it is simplicity itself.
Before the tinder-box finally disappeared, it was sought
to bring phosphorus into general use as a fire-kindler. It
was confined in a stoppered bottle, and when a light was
wanted, the stopper was removed, and a brimstone match
dipped in, which, on being withdravsm, kindled by contact
-with the atmosphere. But as that method was not con
sidered a very safe one, it found favour with but few,
and it was rather expensive besides.
The manufacture of the old brimstone match was very
simple, and most of the sellers were the makers as well.
A piece of straight grained wood was cut into the re
quired length and thickness. It was then split into thin
strips, and about half a dozen taken up, pointed at both
ends, and the tips dipped into a pan of molten brimstone.
They were then tied in the middle, and expanded like an
attenuated, letter X, and the bunch was ready for sale ;
the price of which was one halfpenny. Great quantities
were made by gipsies, either in their tents in summer, or
at their town residences in Kent Street, in winter, and
afterwards sold wholesale to the shop-keepers, or to those
sellers who did not make their own.
Match-making has developed into such wonderful pro
portions since science and machinery have been brought
into requisition for their production, that one might well
wonder what becomes of them all. Where there was on©
old-fashioned brimstone dip made, there are now ten
thousand congreves brought into existence ; some fac
tories turning out many millions of boxes each per
• week. The machinery for splitting the wood into matches is
ingenious and complicated in its nature. A piece of soft
wood (it must be close-grained, and free from knots) is
put into the machine at one end, and it comes put split
into matches at the other. The dipping process is carried
on by children; and children also make the boxes, and.
pack the matches in them, as the price they are sold at

136 Lights and Shadoivs of Melbourne Life.
prohibits the employment of adult labour, except in those
branches where skill and steadiness are required.
For some time there J was only one kind of lucifer
match in use ; then the wax matches appeared, but they
were not for a long while in such requisition as the
others, being dearer, on account of the greater cost of the
material and the more elaborate nature of their manu
facture. But now, however, as they can be bought
wholesale at fourpence per dozen boxes, they are in more
general use, especially among smokers, on account of
their greater convenience. Afterwards, the safety matches
were introduced, which are decidedly an improvement
upon the others, both on account of the greater certainty
of getting a light when one is struck, and the impos
sibility of accidents arising from thefr untimely ignition,
for, unless they are struck on paper speciaUy prepared,
they will not light.
Match-selling has always been the dernier ressort of
poverty, and the seUers themselves the lowest and least
influential of all the commercial classes. Although the
old match-sellers were dignified by the title of " timber
merchants," they were looked upon as being only one
step above the beggars, and, in fact, they were nothing
else, as the few bunches of matches they held in the hand
were only carried as a blind to hide the more profitable
caUing of begging.
The social status of the match-seller has not improved
much in our own day, but the business is somewhat more
lucrative, on account of the greater number of matches
sold. As the sale of these articles has so greatly in
creased, so, also, has the number of sellers. In fact, they
have become so numerous that as one goes up Bourke
Street, " Wax matches penny a box " is dinned into one's
ears with almost every step one takes. Seeing the
number of vendors, one naturally wonders where they
find buyers, and who these buyers are. One has not to
go far, however, before one finds out that the patrons of
these itinerant merchants are the smokers, who, in order
to enjoy their pipes, must have some means of setting
them going, and these means are avaUable at the small
outlay of one penny.
It would be interesting to know the number of boxes
of matches sold in the streets annually. It must be

Match-Sellers. 137

something enormous, as smoking is so general among all
classes, and matches are so necessary to them that each
one must go provided -with a box.
There is a deal of good fellowship in connection with
matches. A man's match-box is as much at the service
of another as his snuff-box was when snuff-taking was
more general than it now is. Any smoker who wants a
light, and has run out of matches, has only to stop
the first man he meets and ask for one, when he will not
only get it, but wUl very likely be pressed to take three
or four, unless the other happens to be in the same
predicament as himself.
A few years ago the match-selling business was exclu
sively, or nearly so, in the hands of small boys, who were
sent out by their parents with a few boxes, so that they
might earn something towards their own keep, or, as was
frequently the case, to bring home something for these
parents to get beer with. Now, with the exception of a
few Uttle chUdren and young cripples, they appear to
have slipped out of it altogether, and left it in the hands
of beery old men, and bUnd beggars, though the latter
have a few boxes with them more as a " staU " than with
a view of selUng them.
The wholesale price of wax matches being sixpence
per dozen boxes, that allows the retail dealer two hundred
per cent, profit, a tolerably fair return when the sale is
good. Of course, some do Isetter than others, though they
all calculate upon seUing two or three dozen every day.
Three dozen is a good day's work, and much more than
th© ^average sale, which may be, taking the whole fra
ternity, about two dozen, thus making the week's earnings
eight shillings — a sum hardly sufficient to find them in
luxuries, though, with care,' it might in necessaries, if
beer be left out of the question.
Small as the sum is, it is more than they could eam at
anything else, except begging ; but, as that is rather
overdone at present, it is doubtful if they could improve
their circumstances by taking to it; besides, as inter
lopers, they would have to run the gauntlet of those
already engaged in the latter calling.
There are not many women or girls engaged in match-
selUng. One may be seen occasionally, but it's not very
popular with them, as it necessitates an outlay before

138 Lights and Shadows of Melbourne Life.
they, can begin, which they are not always provided
with ; besides, they find the " whimpering dodge " a much
better " lay " to go upon.
It is an easy business, aud one just suited, to the years
and dispositions of those who carry it on, as they have no
heavy load to hawk about ; nothing heavier than a cigar-
box, for that is the usual thing they keep their matches
in, either carried in the hand, or hung round the neck by
a piece of string.
It is not YBij refreshing to contemplate some of these
men, for there is that about them which shows pretty
jilainly what their past lives have been. The effects- of
vice are traceable in every feature. Drink has bleared
the eyes, but still the evil expression begotten by a life
of crime remains ; for many of them belong to that class
whose early colonial experience has procured them the
title of " old hands," and whose past existence has been
nothing else than an alternation of prison life and freedom,
till now, too old to continue active predatory operations,
nothing remains for them but a life of loaferdom, till
death overtakes them in the padding-ken, or in the
slums, or the scrub, whither they sometimes retire to
sleep off the effects of their last drunken Orgies.
There is one among them who, some years ago, came as
near to being hanged as a man could weU be who had not
the rope actually round his neck. He is a native of the
" tight little island," and was at one time the " Tippe-
rariest " of all the pugnacious dwellers round about that
portion of Her Majesty's dominions. In fact, he was that
kind of individual of whom one of his countrymen has
said, "He was never at peace except in a row." He
appeared to live but for one object, and that was to get
some one to tread upon the tails of his coat.
One day he was " accommodated " by a man who could
wield the shillelagh even better than he could himself, as
he speedily found out, for though blessed with a skull of
more than Celtic thickness, his opponent's stick fell upon
it so hard and so often that he was obliged to cave in.
Though beaten, he was not subdued, as was soon seen.
His vanity was more seriously wounded than his head was,
and he looked upon himself as degraded in the eyes of the
world, at least of that portion of it who held Tipperary

Match-Sellers. 139

He felt he must do something to rehabilitate himself iu
the good opinion of his neighbours ; and to ascertain the
best way of going about it, he consulted the " poteen,"
under the inspiration of which a resolve was soon made.
This time he was determined there should be no mistake
about it, for, discarding the comparatively harmless
shUlelagh, he armed himself with a pick, and, waiting
for his adversary, he drove the point of it into his
brain. Whether he conceived the idea of the deed before
he got drunk, or after, is not kno-wn, but he was drunk
when he did it, and that, in all probability, saved his
life. He was tried for the crime, found guilty, and con
demned to death. A few hours, however, before he
was to have been hanged, the sentence was commuted
to transportation for life. That was close upon forty-fiv©
years ago.
He was sent to Norfolk Island, and kept in bondage
for about ten years, and then allowed another start in
life. How he passed the next five years is best known
to himself, as he is very reticent concerning his doings
during that period. Thirty years ago he turned up in
Victoria, much to the advantage, no doubt, of the place
he had left, unless his conduct there was much better
than it has been here. The narrow escape he had had
from the gallows, and his subsequent long imprisonment;
had not acted as a restraint upon his fierce disposition.
On the contrary, they seemed to have intensified it, and
made him more reckless than ever, and once more he
came vrithin one step of the gallows.
One day he met a man in the bush and bailed him
up, vrith a view of easing him of any spare cash he
might happen to have about him. As the man could
not see the justice of the proceeding, he did not manifest
any. particular celerity in emptying his pockets, which
rather chafed the other, who, to quicken his movements,
fired at him, the baU just grazing his ear. That wa,s
about the most unwise thing he had ever done in his
life, except .driving the pick into the other man's head,
for as long as he kept his victim covered he was master
of the situation. As soon, however, as he had fired and
missed, they stood upon equal ground, as the pistol was
an old-fashioned one, and the man sprang upon bim
like a tiger, and, being younger and stronger, almost

140 Lights and Shadows of Melbourne Idfe.
throttled him to begin with, and very soon after had
him tied, neck and heels together, with his own belt.
For that little freak he got ten years on the roads, and
was let off after having served about six. On becoming
once more free, he recognised the fact that bushranging
was not exactly his line; for however potent the will
may be for evil, it is powerless if not sustained by bodUy
vigour, and as he was neither so young nor so active as he
had been, he thought it would be better to confine his
operations for the future to Melbourne.
As time, and beer, began to tell upon him, his depre
dations became of a smaUer and more paltry nature ; and
as he was unfortunate in being nearly always caught in
the act, he had to " put in " more of his' time at stone-
breaking than he approved of, so he thought he had
better turn over a new leaf, and -win his bread and beer in
some way less obnoxious to the Law ; and whenever he
has, since then, been at loggerheads with the authorities,
it has been for some such eccentricity as being drunk and
incapable. He is now quite venerable, and has finaUy
settled down to the more honourable calUng of selling
wax matches.
All the match-selling brotherhood, however, have not
such evil antecedents as this one. There is one who was
once an officer in Her Majesty's service, but in consequence
of continued misconduct, more social than criminal, he
sank do'wn to his present condition.
In youth he was remarkable for almost everything but
steady habits, and as he appeared to have an unusually
large quantity of wild oats to sow, his friends thought he
might as weU sow them in the army as anywhere else, so
they got him a commission. The first lot he sowed there,
however, produced such an abundant crop of troubles that
he had to retire, and seek a fresh field for the remainder.
His friends thought the soil -of Australia admirably
suited to receive them, and, as it promised a change, he
was of the same opinion himself. They fitted him out,
and gave him a sum of money for his support till he
could " turn himself round." He did turn himself round,
and got into such a whirl that, before he could stop,
all his money had flown from him as completely as water
does from a well-trundled mop.
On coming to himself, and finding all his money gone,

Match-Sellers, 141

he -wrote home to his friends for more. In the meantime,
he had his outfit to fall back upon, and as there are plenty
of people about who, from pure kindness of heart, will
give any impecunious immigrant who has anything to
sell at least a fourth of its value for it, he managed to
live pretty weU for a month.
According to his own calculations, it would be at least
five months before he received a remittance, and it became
a serious question with him how he was to live in the
meantime. Passing valueless cheques was not so fashion
able then as it has become since, and we have no reason
for supposing he would have practised it if it had been ;
but there was a pressing necessity for raising the wind
somehow, and as he had no more clothing than was
absolutely necessary for his own use, what was he to do ?
It is only just to say he tried to get employment, but as
work of any description was something he had never been
accustomed to, he found it difficult to get anything that
would suit him. Being a good scholar, he managed to
get into an office as clerk, but not being accustomed to
the duties, he was always making mistakes ; and on his
principal discovering one of a more glaring nature than
usual, he politely told him he could dispense with his
services. That was no recommendation for another
billet of the same kind, so he had to tum to something
else. He tried lumping on the wharf, but the loads
wouldn't fit his back. He then tried the pick and
shovel, but at the end of the day he felt convinced that
nature never intended his hands to be put to any such
purpose, so he gave that up. He struggled on somehow
tiU he received an answer from home, which informed him
that if he caUed at a certain place in Melbourne he would
receive a pound per week, and that if he wanted more he
must strive for it by his own industry. Although,
compared with the way he had been living lately, his,
present position was one of wealth, he found at the end
of the first week that the things this pound would produce
did not include luxuries, and as he had always been
accustomed to them, he felt the deprivation keenly.
His friends knew perfectly well when they advised him
to get into some kind of employment, he would not do
so, and the reason they did not send him more money,
and let him have the control of it, was because they knew

142 Lights and Shadows of Melbourne Life.
that if he ever had money enough at one time to pay his
passage back to England, he would not be long in
Australia ; and as they preferred having the diameter of
the globe between them, they only sent him just suf
ficient to keep him from starving. To cut a long story
short, they kept up the remittances for a few years, when,
seeing there was no hope of his doing anything for
himself, they discontinued it, and left him entirely to his
own devices, and as they had never been of any use to
him in the past, they were not likely to be more so in the
future. He gradually settled down into a confirmed
loafer, and is now a melancholy instance of what want of
ballast, and drink, will bring a man to.
These men, enfeebled as they are by age and beer,
could not work if they felt inclined that way, and as they
must live somehow, and have no choice but match-
selling or the Immigrants' Home, they prefer the fonner,
as it is easy, and assures them an existence, even though
it be a bare one. It, moreover, enables them to live a
life of comparative freedom, and keeps them outside the
Vagrancy Laws.

( 143 )

COSTEEMONGEES.
Not the least deserving of our peripatetics are the
leather-lunged and hard-working costermongers. They
may be seen dragging their leads through the pelting
shower, or under the almost vertical rays of the mid-day
sun ; and though the hot wind may scorch, or the cold
wind chill, their cries are heard from morn till eve, and
frequently half through the night.
As a class they do not rank very high, neither are
they remarkable for personal beauty or agreeableness of
manner ; but, for all that, they are a shrewd and useful
body of men.
The Melbourne costermongers are not so distinct ag a
class as the Loudon ones are. There they are never
mistaken for anything else, nor do they wish to be.
They are distinguished by their manner and dress.
" Costermonger Joe " is no exaggeration ; he is but tho
type of the class to which he belongs. A monkey-jacket
¦with large pearl buttons, a sleeved waistcoat with three
rows of smaller pearl buttons, corduroy trousers with a
fly about six inches deep at the bottom of each leg on the
outside seam, " ankle jack " shoes, a bright shawl-pattern
scarf round the neck, a close-fitting cap, with flaps that
may be tumed down over the ears, but which never are,
are the correct things in dress for a London costermonger.
His conversation is slangy, and he aims at being con
sidered " leery " — that is, -wide awake, and to tell him he
knows the " price of old rags " is to pay him the highest
possible compliment. He is fond of singing, and the
burden of his songs is " love," or the free and easy life led
by those in his own Une of business, or both combined.
He always sings in a natural key — that is, untramelled by
any rules of the art. Excellence, in his opinion, consists
in expelling from the lungs the largest possible "volume of
sound, which, together with a peculiar intonation, renders

1-44 Lights and Shadows of Melbourne Life.
his singing so delightful to those possessed of a musical
ear. Next to singing, his chief pleasure is in dancing,
and the nigger step is his favourite pas. Nothing
affords him greater pleasure than to Usten to the
pattering of his feet as he " comes " the double shuffle
on the cellar-flap outside some public-house, especiaUy
when it is timed by his own whistling.
Such is the portrait of the orthodox London coster
monger ; and now we -will endeavour to show what the
Melbourne one is like.
The distinctive feature of our coster is that there is
nothing distinct about him, either in dress, manner, or
taste. He is supremely indifferent as to the style or
quality of the clothes he wears, provided they are not too
clean, or too free from patches. A paget-coat has no more
charms for him than a short jacket, neither is he particular
as to fit, if he can only get inside it.
In trousers he sometimes patronises moleskins, and
sometimes tweed. When it is the latter, they are usuaUy
well patched, and that, too, without any regard to material
or colour, which sometimes makes it difficult to decide what
their original colour was. In boots he affects bluchers, or
lace-ups. He may have heard of " ankle jacks," but it is
doubtful if he would wear a pair if they were given to
him. He sometimes sports a pair of elastic-sides on
Sundays, or whenever he dons his best clothes. He
always wears a shawl or comforter round his neck, -winter
and summer, and, if there be any difference, it is worn
thicker in summer than in winter. In the matter of head
gear he is partial to the black soft felt with a stiff broad
brim. He is not particularly fond of singing, nor, when
he does sing, are his songs of any particular class.
"Tommy, make room for "your Uncle" -wiU do as well
for him as the "Battle and the Breeze." He is rather
partial to dancing, and his displays in that direction are
in the nigger style ; any other branch of the terpsichorean
art he looks upon as a mistake. His conversation is
usually fortified by expletives — indeed, sometimes, the
expletives are nearly all the sentence consists of — ^and he
likes to be looked upon as one " who knows a thing or
two." Like every other class, this one has its grades — the
equestrian, and the plebeian, and the distinction is as

Costermongers, 1 45

clearly defined as it was among the ancient Eomans.
The former go about with a horse and cart, while th©
latter have no higher aspfrations than a basket or barrow.
In London the donkey is the favourite assistant of
the costermonger. Here that useful animal is almost
unknown. The Chinese have taken to costermongering with the
same diligence they have to fish-hawking, and with as
good results to themselves.
" John " is a remarkable creature in more ways than
one. He is pushing in business matters, laborious, and
persevering in whatever work he undertakes, abstemious
in Uving, and saving in disposition, and those very
qualities which would be considered commendable in tha
Caucasian are looked upon by a section of our population
as proofs of the natural depravity of the Mongolian.
Some years ago we went to war with China because the
almond-eyed dweUers in the flowery-land would not come
out — ^that is, they kept at home, and would have no
" truck " -with the outer barbarian. Now, the proba-
bUities are that the next Chinese war will be because
they won't keep in — that is, stay at home and mind their
own business.
The Chinaman does as well as, if not better than, th©
Englishman at costermongering. He certainly gets a
better price for his wares, because people fancy he grows
them aU himself, and that consequently they are fresher
than those which have been knocking about the market.
Some years ago, he could have been seen trotting along
under a pole supporting two baskets filled with a weight
of vegetables that would have broken the heart, if not the
back, of the Anglo-Saxon hawker if he had been compeUed
to carry them in the same way. John's peculiar trot, as
he went along -with his load, was not from any desire to get
before a rival going th© same way as himself, but it was
forced upon him by having to keep step with the swinging
of his pole, as any want of harmony between the two would
have made progression extremely difficult.
Binkie is wiser now than he was then. He has
found out that the horse and cart, or truck, used by the
barbarous nations of the West are much more easy and
convenient than the pole and baskets of the Bast; and,
with the adaptability of his nation, he has taken to both.

146 Lights and Shadows of Melbourne Life.
His ideas of commercial moraUty differ slightly from
those of people who look upon honesty as being the best
policy. Not that he is singular in that respect, for there
are many who are not looked upon as heathens, but who
are, nevertheless, frequently " deceitful upon the weights."
You must never give him what he asks, but always
knock off, at least, twenty-five per cent., for he can no
more help " sticking it on " than he could help dropping
anything that was too hot to handle. The prudent
housewife should always be provided with weightg and
scales to check his spring weighing-machine, which can
be easUy made to register a pound without putting more
than twelve ounces in the scale.
As has been observed before, giving short weight is not
confined to the Chinese ; sixteen ounces to the pound are
rather the exception than the rule -with those who follow
the otherwise creditable calling of vegetable hawking.
They sell cheaper than the shopkeepers, and they can
afford to do so, having no heavy rents to pay, but they've
no right to seek another advantage by giving short
weight. In all other respects they are as honest as any
body 6f men in the Colony. They Work hard, live hard,
and frequently drink hard. They marry, and are given
in marriage, and, usually bring up their offspring to their
own line of business. A very small percentage of them
get rich now-a-days, though there are at this moment
some very wealthy men in Melbourne who commenced
life as hawkers. But that was in the good old times
when money was plentiful, sense scarce, and land cheap.
It is not so easy to get rich now, for the order of those
three things is reversed — money is scarce, sense abundant,
and land so much the square inch.
Though few .costers now become what may be called
rich, many of them do pretty weU. Some live in their
own houses, and have a little money put by for old age.
Others can barely live, and frequently find it difficult to
get sufficient money to go to market with ; but that, in
many instances, is the result of improvidence, and drink.
A man once having taken to costermongering seldom
leaves it for anything else. He may improve his position,
and extend his business by opening a shop, but it is
always in the same line.
As a body of men the costers are not badly-disposed,

Costermongers. 147

though there are some roughs among them, but not a
greater proportion than may be found in some highly
respectable circles. They are not particularly sober in
their habits, nor are they remarkable for drunkenness.
One of our Melbourne costermongers calls himself the
"champion cocoanut-stripper of the world." Now, it's
just possible that there are plenty of people who do not
know what cocoanut-stripping is, and, on hearing of it
for the first time, they might imagine it was stripping
the nuts off the trees. Cocoanut-stripping is simply
denuding the nut of the thick fibrous tusk it is enveloped
in when taken from the tree. Although it is necessary
to strip the nut before you can get at the inside, one
would hardly imagine that the business of denudation
demands such an amount of skill on the part of the
operator that anyone should set himself up as the
champion of that particular branch of industry. But
though it looks so simple, cocoanut-stripping may be more
difficult than one would imagine, and as excellence is
commendable in whatever undertaking one embarks in,
this individual is to be congratulated upon his champion
ship. Like most classes, the costermongers have a standing
grievance, and that grievance is the having to pay a
licence fee for the privilege of selUng their things about
the streets. Why they should be taxed, they are utterly
unable to unders-tand, which may be owing to their never
having made political economy their study, or, perhaps,
they think all taxation bad in principle, and that it ought
to be aboUshed as a reUc of barbarism. Be it as it may,
their objection to the imposition is most decided, and
they never let a chance slip by without unburdening
their minds on the subject.
They have another cause of dissatisfaction with the
authorities in having to " move on " when told to do so
by the police. Their favourite business spots are at the
intersections of Little CoUins, and Little Flinders, with
Swanston and Elizabeth streets. There, during the
season, may be seen the vendors of the luscious grape,
the mellow pear, and the delicious apple, offering their
wares at prices considerably below those ruling in the
shops. Barrow-loads of crayfish, when those crustaceans
are plentiful, are planted here and there, in tho gutters,
L 2

148 Lights and Shadows of Melbourne Life.
and find a ready sale at prices ranging from sixpence to a
shilling ; while a huge barraconta may sometimes be
bought there for sixpence, or five or six dozen pilchards
for a shilling.
As with most other questions, much may be said for
and against allowing hawkers to " pitch " in the busiest
parts of the city. Shopkeepers who pay heavy rents
complain, with some show of reason, of being undersold
at their own doors by traders who pay no rent at all, and
business people generally grumble at the obstruction
caused by the wheelbarrows loitering in front of their
premises. On the other hand, the hawkers say all they want is to
be allowed to earn an honest living, and those who pre
vent their doing that must take the responsibility upon
themselves, for they will live, all the same — which means,
they will live honestly if they can, but, in any case, they'll
live. The public, too, are largely interested in the
matter, for there is a very large section of "it who prefer
getting grapes in the street at threepence per pound to
giving sixpence for the same article in the shops.
It being impossible to reconcUe these opposing interests,
a modus vivendi has been found by requesting the " barrow-
knights " to keep moving. As the bye-law says nothing
about the pace they are to go at, the movement is not of
the allegro kind. Indeed, it is about as slow as it would
be if it were a race between the barrows, the last one in
to be the winner.
It is amusing to watch the costers when engaged in the
congenial work of " dodging the cop," as they call keeping
out of the way of the policeman. Having been told once
to move on, it wouldn't do to be told to do so twice in one
day, unless they wanted ¦ an interview with the police
magistrate ; so, to avoid that, they plant scouts to watch
for the constable, and as soon as the shiny helmet is seen
in the distance, the "office" is given, and the barrows
begin to move slowly up the little streets close by, and
keep on moving till the man in blue has passed, when the
chuckling coster quickly moves back again, 'and rewards
his own dexterity with a fresh quid of tobacco. From
the experience gained in dodging their natural enemies,
these costers can tell to within a few minutes when a
constable has passed a given spot on his beat, and how
long it will be before he visits that spot again.

Costermongers, 149

There are very few women engaged in vegetable-
hawking in Melbourne. They do not take so kindly to
it as they do at home, where women may be seen driring
barrows, or drawing trucks, with more than feminine
energy. A few go about with their husbands with a horse
and cart, and some keep stalls ; but as a rule, the employ
ment does not agree with their ideas of the fitness of
things, so they have left the business in the hands of the
sterner and more robust sex.

150 Lights and Shadows of Melbourne Life,

NEWS-EUNNEES.
The intelligence of a people may be gauged by the number
-and ability of its joumals, as they bring a man face to
face with actual life, and show him what is going on in
worlds beyond the narrow one in which he exists.
As an educational power, the Press stands pre-eminent.
It completes the education we have received at school,
as, unless the theories we have acquired from books are
supplemented by its more practical teaching, they will
remain little more than theories all our lives.
The Press to be a blessing must be free, not licentious.
Its power is in proportion to its good name. Being con
ducted by human agency, it cannot be perfect, for no
human institution is ; but, though perfection cannot be
expected, respectability is insisted upon, and to the credit
of the Melbourne Press be it said, it is free without being
scurrilous, and talented without being pedantic,
A free Press, besides being valuable for what it does,
is ten thousand times more so for what it prevents, A
country blessed with a free Press is safe — safe from foes
without and from foes within. Its people are safe from
oppression by the powerful, and from the petty persecu
tions and annoyances of Jacks-in-office. With a free
Press, Judge Jeffreys would have been an impossibiUty,
and Titus Oates would have got what he deserved long
before he did. Human nature, however, is the same in
all ages, or rather would be under similar circumstances ;
and if our welfare were not watched over by a vigilant
Press, it is just possible that Judge Jeffreys might re
appear in our midst ; and, as for Titus Oates, a constant
perusal of the daily papers will show us he is often not
far off, as it is.
Having clever and cheap newspapers, we require the
means of circulating them, and the readiest and best are
the runners. Now-a-days the newspaper is as much a

.News-Runners, 151

part of the breakfast table as the chop or steak is ; of.
the two it could be the least dispensed with, and nothing
disturbs paterfamilias so much as its absence from the
table. We are afraid, however, he does not appreciate,
as he ought, the smaU boy who has to leave his bed so
early in the moming, and walk through the rain or cold
-wind in order that his paper may be ready for him when
he rises. The chances are, if he ever does think of the
poor boy at all, it is to curse him when he is a few
minutes late. Such is the gratitude of the world. Our
best friends— and that the newsboy comes within that
category no one -will deny — may constantly serve us, tUl
one fault drives from our minds aU recollection of past
benefits. The newsboys of London are far more lively in their
habits and more persistent in trying to effect a sale than
their Melbourne brethren are. There it seems as if they
did not know the meaning of the negative particle " no,"
for they wiU follow you with the papers till you either
buy one or send them away with a cuff. A friend of
ours, of strictly religious views, says he believes they are
merely agents of the Evil One, sent to entrap men into
swearing. Be that as it may, there is no mistake, not-
-withstanding their usefulness, that they are an unmitigated
nuisance. Go where you will, your steps are dogged by these imps,
and a newspaper thrust into your face. As you mount
to the knife-board of an omnibus, a tug at your coat tails
reminds you you are expected to buy a paper, to read as
you go along. The moment you leave your house, you
are pounced upon by two or three newsboys, who have
apparently been waiting for you. As you go to business,
you are set upon by the sellers of the morning papers,
and as you retum from it, they surround you again -with
the evening ones. At the railway stations, either going
on, or retuming from, a joumey, your anxiety on account
of your luggage is, for the moment, forgotten in the
excitement of fighting your way through a crowd of these
boys. As you go to the theatre, the " last edition " is
dinned into your ears ; or, as you walk arm-in-arm with
the dear creature who, at present, makes Ufe so much
worth li-ring, your ears are assailed with " Ucho. FuU
accounts of the breach of prom — ise.^'

152 Lights and Shadows of Melbourne Idfe.
Now, an announcement like that, coming upon you just
as "you are considering the advisability of " popping the
question," will probably divert your thoughts into
another channel ; and the busy mind will conjure up all
the endearing expressions you have committed to paper,
and which are now in your sweetheart's possession.
Knowing, as every man ought to do, that in these
"cases" there is usually a resurrection of old love letters,
which are read in court, to the intense amusement of
everyone except the defendant, and which, afterwards,
become public property, you will feel incUned to hesitate
before putting the momentous interrogation, lest some
thing beyond your control should bring about a simUar
case in which you and your darling would figure as
principals. Some of the Melbourne newsboys are sons of poor but
respectable parents, who keep them at school all day, and
allow them to sell the evening papers at night, so that
they may contribute something towards their own keep.
Most of the runners, however, are gamins pure and simple,
who take to the buriness, heart and soul, for the sake of
the money they can realise at it, which they afterwards
get rid of in the way most agreeable to their own tastes.
Some take the trifle they earn home to thefr parents,
who sometimes make a good use of it, though frequently
it is spent in drink. Others, who have no home,
and no parents, attend first to their craving hunger by
an investment in bread and a saveloy ; or, if they have
been very lucky, in two threepenny meat pies ; then, if
.they have sufficient cash left, they visit the gallery of the
theatre ; after which they retire to the hole or corner
-v^here they usually " pitch their doss," and sleep soundly
tUl hunger wakes them late next moming.
Others play at " pitch and toss " till they have lost
their own or won the other boys' hard earnings ; when
the lucky ones indulge in a glorious " feed," while th©
unlucky ones look hungrily on, in the hope it may be their
turn to-morrow.
" Herald a penny, full account of the murd — ^her, and
robber — ^ree ! " How familiar that cry is to us every
evening between the hours of four and eight, pitched in
every key the human voice is capable of giving expression
to, from the childish treble to the harsher note of husky

News-Runners. 15c

adolescence, and the feeble accents of extreme old age.
These cries are varied by those relating to a " fi — her," or
a " suee — eide," or the case of Mr. So-and-So, or the trial
of some one else whose offence has caused an unusual stir
in society. Some of these youngsters exercise a deal of
ingenuity in dishing up old events as something new.
The sUghtest allusion to a murder that occurred a month
ago is given out as the " full account of the murd — her,"
thus leading people to suppose that another had been added
to the somewhat long list of those that have gone before.
In trading thus upon the populartastefor the sensational,
these boys display no little knowledge of human nature,
for it is certain there are hundreds who would purchase a
paper that contained the account of a murder who would
never think of doing so if they only expected to find in it
the ordinary daUy budget of news. Next to a murder, a
spicy scandal, or a dreadful suicide, is the most potent cry
for inducing people to part with their pence. The faux
pas, or eccentricities of well-known personages, Ukewise
bring about the sale of many extra copies, for we dearly
love to moraUse over the shortcomings of our betters.
A newspaper may contain any number of ably-written
articles, papers on scientific or useful subjects, and
people wUl throw it down with disgust, and say, " There's
no news at aU in the paper to-day." That may not say
much for the intelligence of the present day, but it is
true nevertheless, and weU known to the managers of the
different newspapers, who, knowing what a fascination a
murder, the more atrocious the better, or a glaring breach
of the seventh commandment, has for a no small portion
of mankind, take care to provide for the issue of a largely
increased number of copies while the excitement lasts.
Newspaper-running is now mostly in the hands of
children, who from their active habits are better suited
to the occupation than those who are more advanced in
years. There are some few old men connected with it, but
these usuaUy stand at some corner, or confine themselves
to very short rounds. One or two blind men combine
the sale of newspapers with that of wax matches and
bootlaces, one of whom has a round of customers, at
whose houses he delivers the papers every Saturday
morning with the precision of the keenest-eyed news-
runner in the Colony.

154 Lights and Shadoivs of Melbourne Life.
Little barefooted boys, whose tender years one would
suppose unfitted them for such employment, run about
the streets piping Evening Herald with as much
earnestness as though their existence depended upon the
sale of a few copies. Girls between the ages of seven and
fifteen stand at the comers, and offer to each passer-by
the evening or the weekly papers. These mostly sell for
their fathers or mothers, who may be seen standing close
by with a bundle of the same papers under their arms.
A few married women, with babies in their arms, strive
to supplement their other incomes by the sale of a few
copies of the " Herald," and occasionally an able-bodied
man may be seen engaged in the same business, but these
latter mostly belong to the loafing class, who have very
little faith in hard work.
The wholesale price of the evening paper is one and
sixpence per quire of twenty-five sheets, so that leaves
sevenpence profit on every twenty-five sold. Some of the
more activ^ boys will seU between fifty and a hundred
every evening. Many, however, are unable to sell more
than twenty or thirty, and that, of course, leaves them in
very poor circumstances.
The distance some of these boys travel during the
evening, up one street and down another, in search of
customers, would rather surprise them if it were meas'ured ;
but as they cannot see it in a straight line, they get over
it without knowing how tired they ought to be.
Two or three of the elder boys who do business on
their oWn accounts employ some of the vei-y small ones
as "runners." To these they give half the profits; so
that, if one be lucky enough to sell eight, it wUl enable
him to get a penny bun for supper.
Some of them are very smart in sensationalising any
scrap of news the paper may contain ; and some even go
as far as alluding to a murder when none has occurred ;
while others confine themselves to the simple cry of
" Herald, a penny ! " except when something out of the
usual has happened, when they are as vociferous as the
rest. One of the latter class came up to us with the usual
question —
" Herald, sir ? "
" Have you a murder in it ? " we asked.

News-Runners. 1 55

" No, sir."
" A suicide ? "
" No, sir."
"A robbery?"
" No, sir."
"What! not a robbery?"
" Only a man knocked another down in Bourke Street,
and stole his watch."
"WeU, can't you make that into a daring highway
robbery and attempted murder ? "
The boy seemed struck with the idea, as he passed on,
and, very shortly after, we heard him bellowing out our
suggestion at the very top of his voice, though whether
it increased the sale of copies we are unable to say, but
in all probabUity it did.
That may seem a rather doubtful piece of moraUty on
our part, but what we said we intended as irony, and
never thought for a moment it would be acted upon.
Som© of these lads rather overstep the bounds of good
manners when they fail to secure a customer they have
" spotted," as the foUowing specimen of what the admirers
of our colonial youth call " smartness " will show.
A young imp went up to a respectably-dressed man,
and offered him the evening paper. For some time he
took nb notice of the boy's importunity, till at last he
said, " No, no," in rather impatient tones.
" How 's that ? " queried the lad. " Haven't yer got a
' win ' (a penny) on yer, or can't yer read ? "
The sublimity of the impudence saved him from a cuff,
for the man, after apparently debating within himself
whether he should give him one or not, smiled, and tumed
away. There being such a keen competition among the boys,
they soon acquire a pushing manner that would bo highly
useful to them if, in after life, they could only find their
way into some draper's establishment.
"We saw a couple of them, one afternoon, running up
to a gentleman, and so close was the race that he had a
difficulty in deciding which came in first. In order to
influence his decision, each one became very loud and
voluble in urging his claim to the gentleman's preference.
" Look here, sir," said one, " I saw you first."
" No, you never," repUes the other. " I see the gentle-

156 Lights and Shadows of Melbourne Idfe,
man before you did, and, besides, I sold him one yesterday,
and have been looking out for him ever since."
" Why, didn't I pay you ? " asked the gentleman.
" Oh, yes, sir, but I thought you'd want another to day,
and that made me look out for you."
" What's that to do with it ? " asked his rival. " If the
gentleman bought one off you yesterday, he ought to buy
one off me to-day, to make it fair."
That appeared to be the purchaser's opinion also, for
he bought one off the last speaker, much to the chagrin
of the other.
Some of these smart yOung gentlemen frequently get
themselves into trouble, in consequence of making false
announcements as to the contents of their papers.
One evening, at the corner of Queen and CoUins Streets,
a man seized one of these dispensers of the evening's
literary pabulum by the collar, and taxed him with
swindling him out of a penny the evening before, by
calling out the " full account of a murder," when the
paper contained no aUusion whatever to one.
No doubt the man was grievously disappointed in not
being able to feast his mind upon the details of some
horrid murder ; and his vanity might, also, have been
hurt by the boy's " selling " him as well as the paper ;
but, seeing he had value for his money, it hardly amounted
to swindling, although it might have been a mild form of
obtaining money under false pretences.
At first the boy was rather taken aback. SpeedUy,
however, his native impudence came to his assistance,
and he stoutly denied ever having seen his assaUant
before, who, he said, had mistaken him for his brother,
who was very much like him.
" You lie, you young scoundrel, you know very well
you sold me the paper," said the man, " and I've a good
mind to give you something that will teach you to speak
the truth another time."
The victimised one seemed really inclined to put his
threat into execution, and the boy thought he was going
to get it. However, the hold on the collar was relaxed,
and the lad was not long in putting a few paces between
him and the disappointed one.
It is a fortunate thing the gamins of Melbourne can
earn a trifle in seUing papers about the streets. The

News-Runners. 157

earnings of the regular ones may be small — ranging, as
they do, from four to eight shillings per week ; but, small
as they are, it is a consideration in connection with their
keep, and if they did not eam that much in such a credit
able manner, the chances are they would earn nothing
honestly. How many possible burglars and garrotters, in embryo,
are there among these poor barefooted children who run
about selling the evening papers ? — ^possible, we mean, if
left to themselves. On the other hand, how many decent
and respectable members of society maj' there not be
among them in the future, if means be now given them
of raising themselves from the gutters ? It is a question
that concerns everyone who has anything to lose, or who
has the well-being of his country at heart.
By investing a penny in a paper you not only have
half-an-hour's inteUectual enjoyment, but you do good,
though, perhaps, you may never know it. You encourage
a habit of industry and a desire to do well in those who
are naturaUy inclined to the opposite; and if that does
not help a man to enjoy his pennyworth of news, we
should like to know what would. Habits of industry
and well-doing are as easily acquired as evil ones, the
same opportunities being offered ; and if you can en
courage those habits by buying a paper from those who
so earnestly strive to seU them, it is a duty you owe to
society to do so, as you thereby beget a spirit of self-
reliance in those" poor waifs of humanity that may cling
to them all through their lives.

158 Lights and Shadoivs qf Melbourne Life.

FISH-HAWKEES.
These are not the most respectable of the hawking
brotherhood, though, doubtless, there are some decent
fellows among them ; but, as a rule, their manners fall far
short of what society deems the standard of poUteness.
They are coarse and vulgar in language, and uninviting
in aspect; and, in addition to those two characteristics,
they are great drinkers, theu- favourite "lap," as they
call it, being rum.
There is something about fish that has a not very
elevating effect upon the minds of those who deal in it.
Male and female alike become remarkable for a species of
eloquence that is not tolerated in polite circles — at least
not when strangers are within hearing. So proverbial
are they for their vigorous speech, that in aU countries
where fish-dealers form a distinct class, they are quoted
as everything that. is low and vulgar.
"Billingsgate" among the EngUsh is a term applied to
language that is not recognised as part of the curriculum
of our Universities; and few ladies in Scotland would
care about being called " fishwives." In France it is the
same. " Poissade " is a title no grande dame aspires to.
In Germany, " fischerfrau," when appUed to a lady, is
not looked upon as a compliment ; and in Italy the
" piscatori " are as noted for their fluency of speech as
the confraternity in all other nations. It is the same in
this Colony. For a fish-hawker to utter ten consecutive
words without an oath appears to be an impossibility;
and if he were to do so, he would stand a very good
chance of losing caste among his fellows, and becoming
the butt of all their witticisms.
Fish has not only procured those who deal in it a. bad
name, but the word, also, when used adjectively, and
applied to actions, implies sometimes that which is the
reverse of creditable. Anything of a suspicious nature

Fish-Hawkers. 159

is said to have a " fishy " look ; and what has been
conceived in fraud, and brought forth just inside the law,
is denounced as being decidedly " fishy."
Why should it be so? Fish is pleasant to the taste
and nutritious to the body ; and they seem gentle and
playful creatures enough when swimming about in their
native element, always excepting the shark and octopus,
which are certainly repulsive to the sight, and disagree
able as neighbours.
Shakespeare speaks of " an ancient and fish-like smell " ;
but when he said that, he must have meant when the fish
itself was ancient, for, when fresh, it is a pleasant reminder
of the briny ocean, and far more agreeable to the nostrils
than the smell of some men.
Some of the fish-hawkers do not confine themselves
exclusively to supplying the piscivorous portion of Her
Majesty's lieges with that edible, but resort, occasionally,
to methods of raising the wind that are quite as " fishy,"
but not so honourable, as their regular calling. At races,
and other public gatherings, they may be seen manipulating
the three cards, or initiating greenhorns into the mysteries
of " over and under," or some other game by which flats
are induced to part so readUy with their superflu'ous
cash. That branch of industry, however, not being per
manent, though highly lucrative while it lasts, they have
to resume their baskets and trucks as a means of Uving iti
those times when the races are not.
Great numbers of the fish-ha-^kers are Celestials — poor,
miserable-looking objects, whose dirty appearance would
set any one against fish, — only it is an article that can be
washed, — though, in 1;hat respect they are hardly less
in-riting in looks than some of their Christian brethren.
Their feeble-looking bodies and weak cries are in great
contrast to the burly forms and stentorian voices of the
Anglo-Saxon ; but though their bodies are small, they
are uncommonly tough, and being possessed of energetic
-wUls, and of industrious habits, they go the round of
their customers with less fatigue than would be felt by
the stronger and more phlegmatic barbarian.
They must be early at market, in order to get the fish
in time for their customers' breakfasts ; besides, if they
were to come late, and fish happened to be rather scarce,
they might find it aU gone when they got there, and if

100 Lights and Shadows of Melbourne Life.
they wanted any they would have to get it at an enhanced
price from the other hawkers. When fish is scarce, and
rabbits and wild-fowl plentiful, they invest in thes©
latter, in preference to the former ; for, when the price
of fish rules high, as it always does when scarce, people
will not buy it, for they appear to be utterly unable to
see the correctness of giving a shiUing to-day for what
they could have bought yesterday for sixpence, and that
makes the hawkers fight rather shy of it when it is not
plentiful. Friday is the fish-hawker's busiest day, on account of
the number of Catholics there are in Melbourne, who
must have fish on that day, or put up with what saUors
call a " banyan day."
Although not remarkable for politeness in social Ufe,
they are tolerably civil to their customers when things go
pleasantlj'. Sometimes, however, when one of them has
been detained at the doorstep by some stingy housewife,
and he is unable to see his way to a profit out of the
price she offers, he is apt to give vent to his annoyance
in language the meaning of which is hidden from the
good dame by the words being spoken in argot, other
wise it might lead to his being introduced to a police
magistrate, unless the indignant lady, unable to control
her feelings, settled the matter herself by making his
head acquainted with a broom-handle.
They speak plainly enough sometimes, when their
expectations of getting a customer have been baulked, as
the following short passage wUl show.
A lady was sweeping out her front verandah one
morning when a hawker came alpng with the usual
enquiry :
" Do you want any fish to-day, missis ? "
" No, not to-day."
"You'd better try some, they're nice and fresh — ^in
fact, all but alive," he persisted, while offering one for
her inspection.
" How do you sell them ? "
" A shilling a dozen ; and I'll guarantee you don't get
them in the shops under two bob."
" A shilUng a dozen for those sprats I " she cried in
astonishment. " I'll give you sixpence for a jdozen and a
half,"

Fish-Hawkers. 161

" Have you got sixpence ? " queried the fishmonger.
" Yes."
" Then you must have gone short of beer yesterday."
With that saucy reply he picked up his basket and
went on.
There have, at one time or other, been some remarkable
characters connected with the fish-hawking industry, one
of whom was kno-wn as " Old Dan." This individual was
quite a musical genius, and a celebrity in other respects.
Instead of announcing the quality and vitality of his fish
in the usual manner, he would sing it in what must, at
one time, have been really a fine voice.
Dan was not wealthy, and could at no time muster
more than a few shillings to invest, or, as he called it,
" investigate," in fish ; consequently, when the market
rates ruled high, he was unable to " line " his basket, and
on those mornings the streets were not resonant with his
songs. In dealing -with his customers, Mr. Dan was very inde
pendent, and rather inclined to be saucy when his price
was too high for buyers, or his powers of persuasion too
feeble to push a sale. He was in the habit of associating
the names of well-kno-wn Melbourne men with his ditty,
and he would drag them in -vrithout any regard to rhyme
or reason. He attracted a deal of notice on his rounds, and
would bring a smile to the faces of many who had very
little else to smile about. Strangers would stop and stare
at him with astonishment, and those who had heard him
daUy for years were always pleased to hear his well-
kno-wn voice again. He did better than any other man
could have done on his small outlay, as he always asked
and got a good price for his fish, and that suited him
better than carrying about a heavy load, and getting no
more for it.
When he retired from the streets, he took to letting
lodgings in a right-of-way off Bourke Street east, and
supplemented the income derived from that by hiring out
trucks to those hawkers whose circuinstances were not
flourishing enough to permit of their having one of their
own. 'thus Dan disappeared from a world of which, in his
time, he had been such a distinguished ornament; but, as
may be expected, that world went on as usual. — buying
M

162 Lights and Shadows of Melbourne Life.
and selling ; " besting " one another whenever they had
the chance; "boozing" and getting sober, quarreUing
and making it up -with libations of unUmited beer, only
instead of its being poured out on the ground as in the
olden times, it was poured down the throats of the late
contestants — a sure way of securing peace for a time, by
making them too drunk to quarrel. By "world" we
mean the fish-hawker's sphere, not the globe on which we
stand, aiid which, so many parties, sects, and sets, divide
into worlds of their own.
Not having seen the old man for some time, we asked
one of our hawker-friends how he was getting on.
" Oh," was the reply, " he pegged out a month ago !
Poor Dan; he wasn't a bad sort," he continued, -with a
sincerity that unmistakably showed he meant what he
said. It may not be generaUy kno-svn that " to j)eg out "
means " to die," as well as to win a game of cribbage,
add in using the expression he did, the hawker meant no
disrespect to his departed friend's memory. It may not
be a very elegant or reverent way of speaking of a friend's
departure from this world ; but these men seldom mix in
ecclesiastical circles, and elegance of speech has not been
their study, so wha-t might seem frreverent if uttered by
a parson, is not irreverence when spoken by them. Again,
the negative praise of not being a " bad sort " was abou^t
the highest compliment our friend knew how to bestow
upon the late lamented Mr. Dan.
It is a fortunate thing the " world " is not dependent
upon one man for its well-being, though many a one
fancies it is, and, just as a wheel is dependent upon
its hub, so he believes his world to be dependent upon
him. A man of startling force of character is sometimes found
in the political world who appears to be the atlas upon
whose shoulders it rests ; the man dies, yet, somehow, the
nation goes on. In many a private firm, too, it is the
same; some one employe seems indispensable to its
prosperity. He presumes upon that, and "carries on,"
till, over-doing it, his services are dispensed ¦with; yet,
much to his surprise, the firm doesn't " burst up." Down
wards, through every class to the lowest position in
society, the same idea prevails; and when Dan retired

Fish-Hawkers. 163

from hawking fish, it was thought his position in the
musical departmen^t could not be filled up. Very soon,
however, that was found to be a mistake, for, no sooner
had our old friend disappeared, than his mantle fell upon
the shoulder of another genius, who had apparently been
waiting to receive it.
The new singer is a different one from the old, and has
a much finer voice. He belongs to the equestrian order,
that is, h© ©¦wns a hors© and cart, and so is, of course, of
a higher stratum in the hawker world than poor old Dan
ever was. H© has a good horse, and his cart is painted
white, and he himself dr©sses in white saUor costume.
He has no apparent disUke to soap and water, for his face
is always clean, thereby contrasting favourably with
many of the fish-hawking brotherhood. He " works "
the southern suburbs, and does pretty well, for his cleanly
looks are of great assistance to him in pushing his
business. Two or three other peripatetic dealers in fish go about
¦with nice-looking " mokes," harnessed to long shallow
barrows, on which are displayed their fish, or rabbits, or
whatever else they may have for sale. These also " do "
the suburbs, as the noise and traffic of the city streets
would be too much for their donkeys' nerves.
To see the fish-hawkers to advantage, one must go to
the fish-market some morning at five o'clock, when one
-wiU see there that which will well repay one for the self-
denial of getting up so early. They are then all together,
and can be studied en masse, when their manners are free,
and thefr tongues unrestrained, and not as one sees them
when dealing with their customers, for then prudence
and the fear of the law compel them to qualify their
language, and keep their practical jokes in subjection.
Shortly after five o'clock the fish arrives in baskets,
and is sold by auction by five salesmen, aU of whom are
vociferous at the same time in lauding the quality of the
lots they offer for sale, and if the " chaff " of twenty or
thirty loud-voiced men, who take deUght in making as
much noise as possible, be added, we cannot be far wrong
in saying th© scene is of the liveliest.
When one man is unable to buy a basket to himself, he
joins with on© or two others, and they purchase one
between them, which they afterwards divide as fairly as
M 2

164 Lights _and Shadows of Melbourne Life.
they can. The waj' in which the division is made is
this: if three men have clubbed together for a basket,
three fishes of as nearly as possible the same size are taken
out and laid separately on the ground ; then three more
of an equal size are taken out, and one added to each of
the others ; and so they keep on putting one to each lot
till the whole is divided into three equal portions, when
¦the man who divided them allows the others to take their
choice, and he has the one that is left.
One moming, however, the man who was dividing the
fish appeared to have imbibed more rum than was consis
tent with clearness of vision, or correctness in judging
weight and size, for he was putting the lots together ¦with
so little regard to equality of bulk that one of the others
asked him, in choice Billingsgate, if he knew what he
was about. The sorter told him to go to a place that
must be nameless, and asked him if he thought he was an
adjective fool. The other answered he didn't think any
thing at all about it; he was adjectively well sure he
was, and if he didn't let the adjective fish alone, he would
hammer some of his adjective ribs in. That caused the
wrath of the threatened one to boil over, and he made a
blow at the other, which, if it had landed where it was
intended, would have sent him flying; but as it feU
about two feet short, no harm was done, except to the
beUigerent himself, who, through striking nothing more
substantial than air, overbalanced himself, and fell on
the top of the fish, where he lay sprawling till one of the
bystanders picked him up. By that time his wrath had
evaporated, and the others went on dividing the fish as
though nothing unusual had occurred.
The noise and .bustle are highly exhilarating, and keep
everyone on the alert. The coarse jests of the EngUsh
are mingled with the excited jabber of the Chinese, who
appear to be comparing notes with one another on some
weighty matter that requires a deal of gesticulation.
Much horseplay and practical joking is indulged in, of
which that called "bonneting" is the favourite. Some
times a small fish, or a ball of wet fishy paper, is sent
flying into some one's face, though the Celestials are
usually the targets these missiles are aimed at, and if
John protests against such treatment, his protestations
are received with a yell of delight. Occasionally when

Fish-Hawkers, 165

he is forcing his way through the crowd with a basket at
each end of his pole, some one will let the last slip off,
and that, of course, -will cause the other to fall down in
front, to the intense delight of every one but the China
man himself, who on these occasions generally lets loose
aU the vulgar English ho is master of; and when that is
not sufficient to relieve his feelings, he supplements it
with as much Chinese as he thinks necessary.
He does not always confine himself to swearing, how
ever, for he frequently resents the insult in a more
striking manner. One morning, as a Chinaman was
working his way through^ the crowd with his basket [of
fish on his head, some one tipped it over. " John " im
mediately tumed round and struck the man nearest to
him, who happened to be the wrong one. The man
quickly retaUated in the same way, which caused quite a
furore of delight among the bystanders, especially so to the
real culprit, who patted John on the back and told him
not to be afraid, but to go in and win. The Celestial,
however, thought better of it, for he picked up his fish
and went on his way, not, it is hardly necessary to add,
rejoicing. One would scarcely credit the number of Chinese fish-
hawkers there are if one did not see them together in
the market. They have appropriated to themselves a
kind of piazza on the right hand side as you go in, where
they sort and divide their fish, keeping up all the time a
chattering such as only the Chinese are capable of.
The fish-hawkers have a licence fee of threepence to
pay every moming before they leave the market. Of
course that tax is not approved of by either the Caucasian
or Mongolian, and that appears to be about the only
subject on which there is an identity of view between
them, thus proving the correctness of tho poet's dictum,
that, under certain circumstances, all the world becomes
akin.

166 Lights and Shadows of Melbourne Life,

GATHEEEES.
Matter being indestructible, there can be no such thing
as waste. What is called waste is simply allo-wing
things that have served their intended purpose to Ue by
till they have resolved themselves into thefr original
elements, instead of putting them to some other useful
purpose. Although man may neglect to make the most of things
he has to do with, he cannot,^ with all his power, destroy
one atom of anything, or waste one drop of water. He
can, by fire, or acids, reduce a substance apparently to
nothing, but it is not destroyed; it is merely restored
to its original condition, to be reproduced at some future
time in the same or some other shape.
The scheme of creation is so grand in its conception,
and so perfect in every detail, that not to recognise in it
the hand of an all-wise and omnipotent Creator and
Euler is a sign of such mental blindness that those who
are so afflicted must be simply mad.
In the beginning, " the earth was without form and
void." But God shaped it, and gave it vitality, "and
saw that it was good." Since then everything has
sprung from the earth, and will return to it in obedience
to a law laid down by the Almighty. That law is un
alterable, and what we see to-day will disappear to
morrow, to re-appear at some future time; and that
ceaseless round will continue till, earth shall unite with
heaven, when our bodies, purified of their grosser particles,
will stand in the presence of Him from whose hand they
sprang. Let us see if it be in man's power to waste that which
he hath and calleth his own. He is said to waste his
health when, by vicious courses, or otherwise, he makes

Gatherers. 167

himself ill. But he does nothing of the sort; the
health, or rather the life, by which the clay is quickened,
belongs to Him who gave it, and to whom it will retum
unimpaired when the body that contains it shall have
become too weak to keep it any longer. All he does is to
damage the flesh, and hasten its restoration to the earth,
whence it sprang.
He is said to waste his substance ; he merely gives it
into some one else's keeping. He is said to destroy
something by fire, when all he does is to liberate certain
gases it is entfrely composed of. He is said to waste his
words, when he talks more than is necessary, or to no
purpose ; well there may be a Uttle seeming truth in
that, but it is only seeming, as he can do nothing of the
sort, although he may tire the patience of his listeners,
and make himself ridiculous. Speech is but wind, which,
o^wing to the formation of the human throat, a man can,
¦with the assistance of his tongue and Ups, convert into
articulate sounds. These sounds are conveyed by the
atmosphere to the tympanum of those who happen to be
near, from off which they reach the understanding, if th©
speaker is fortunate enough to make his meaning
sufficiently clear ; if not, he wastes nothing, as all he
does is to cause a few ripples in the surrounding atmo
sphere — a fact that should be bome in mind by people
afflicted -with a cacoeihes loquendi.
He is also said to waste his time. He cannot do that
either, because there is no such thing. It is all eternity,
so vast and illimitable that our puny inteUects can
conceive neither beginning nor end ; and to say that a
man wastes his time is merely to assert he has left undone
something he ought to have done.
If things are not wasted, it might be asked, what
becomes of them when they are wom a-way, or othervrise
made invisible? They are not wom away ; they are only-
distributed. Matter is of such a nature that it can bo
reduced to a powder so fine that one can neither see nor
feel it. What has become of the doorstep that has been
worn down by our constant treading ? Pieces have been
rubbed off it by the foot, and these pieces, mixing with
other particles lying about, help to form a mass that may,
in some millions of years time, be worked up into another
doorstep. It is the same with the great toe of the stone

168 Lights and Shadows of Melbourne Idfe,
statue of St. Peter that has been kissed away by pious
Catholics at Eome. Small particles have clung to the Ups
of the worshippers in their contact with the stone ; and,
-being licked into the mouth, have passed through th©
body into their original home in the earth.
Buildings and statues that have been exposed to the
atmosphere are seen to be much worn. What has become
of the part that is absent? It has been filed away by
the wind, and the filings carried to a distance, and then
quietly dropped tb earth, where they have other duties to
perform. There is nothing, however small and useless it may
appear, that may not be put to some profitable use, if you
can only get enough of it together. Your old coat, if it
cannot be " duffed " up and made " ash good ash new,"
can be with others tom into fragments and regenerated
in. the shape of shoddy, and in that condition it may,
with the help of the tailor, be made to adorn once mor©
your outer man.
Old rags are the parents of the greatest civUising agent
the world has ever known, for without paper the printing
machine would be useless, and journals that can now be
had for one penny would be unobtainable at any price,
and we should fall back into the darkness of the papyrus
and parchment days.
Bones that have grown from what sprang from th©
earth may be pulverised and re-committed to it, to
produce" the wherewith to form the bones of future genera
tions; and if you put those on one side Towzer has
polished, they will, in the course of a year bring you in
enough to buy you a pair of braces, or a necktie.
Every scrap of iron, or other metal, seen lying about
the house or yard should be picked up and put on one
side. You may get enough some day to sell ; if not, you
can always give the little you have to those who wiU
thankfully receive it. The little bits of fat left from the
table, or trimmed off the uncooked joint, if rendered down
and sold, will soon reappear in the shape of soap or
candles. Of course no one wants to be told what they
can do with their empty bottles, they are told that half "a
dozen times every day at their back gates, but they may
not know what to do with them when they are broken.
If they save them, with any other bits of broken glasB

Gatherers. 169

they may happen to have, they can sell them to tho
dealers, who will sell them again at the glass works,
where they wUl be melted down and reformed into
bottles, once more to convey to the bibulous the liquid
which " maketh the heart glad."
" Any empty bottles to sell ? " One hears that cry
often enough now, though in the early days bottles were
not only unsaleable, but they couldn't be given away.
These gatherers are the lowest of the industrial classes,
and are as remarkable for rags and dirt as they are for
snapping up any " unconsidered trifie " they may see
lying about. Their ranks are filled by both sexes, and of
all ages. One may see little boys and girls among them,
and old -men and women of sixty; but the great majority
are boys between twelve and twenty.
The way in which some of these boys dress is pecuUar
to themselves. They, of course, acknowledge the neces
sity of donning some kind of covering, but that the size
of the garment should be influenced by the size of th©
body is a question too puerile to be entertained for a
moment. One may often see a boy between four and five
feet in height wearing a coat that must have been made
for a man at least six feet, the skirts beating at his heels
and the cuffs turned back to the elbows. The waistcoat
is usually dispensed with. Not so the trousers, and as
he must have his nether limbs encased in something,
that something is usually a pair of small boy's knicker
bockers ; thus, the amplitude of one garment is made
still more striking by the scantiness of another. The
men are quite as remarkable as the boys in the matter of
dress'. To see them one would " think they were scare
crows who, having become weary of the monotony of
their regular occupation, had taken to gathering as a
change. There are in and around Melbourne about four hundred
men and boys engaged in "marining," as the occupation
foUowed by the gatherers is called. It is a new slang
word added not long ago to the " patter " of the slums,
and jneans working for the marine store dealers. Two
usually go together, with a truck lent them by the,
dealer for whom they travel, on the understanding that
he is to be the sole purchaser of their day's acquisitions.
They mostly have a short rope fastened to the handle of

170 ' Lights and Shadows of Melbou/rne Life.
their hand-cart, which they hitch on to the back part of
any larry or cart that may be going their way, if they
can get the driver's permission, which is very convenient
in helping them up the hilly streets. Some have a horse
and cart, and " do " the more distant suburbs. These do
pretty well ¦without having to work as hard as the others,
for driving a horse is much easier than driving a truck.
It would be well if this business were entirely in the
hands of men, for the temptation to pilfer is too great for
many of these boys to resist ; as when they are prowUng
about the rights-of-way, they see many things lying
about the back-yards they could tum to a profitable
account, and when no one is looking they are apt to snap
it up and put it into the bag they always have so con
veniently -with them. That is frequently the first step
in crime, and although it may only be an empty bottle, or
a few bones, it is taking what is not thefrs, and if they
acquire the habit of doing that with trifles, it wiU end
with their stealing something far more valuable. Pro
bably there are plenty of men quite as Ukely to yield to
temptation as the] boys ; but, however that may be, some
of them would be better able to resist it.
There is another reason why the calling is bad for
boys — it gives them a liking for a vagabond life that -wUl
cling to them for ever. It is also an inducement for the
unruly ones to run away from home, as they know there
is always a certainty of their being able -to earn some
thing to buy food with, while if there were no such
opportunity offered to them, hunger would soon bring
them back repentant to their parents' door if the fear of
it did not restrain them from leaving it.
Some years ago a few benevolent persons started a
" Boys' Brigade of Gatherers," with the -riew of turning our
gamins to some useful account by giring them the habits
of industry and self-reliance ; but from some cause or
other, probably the want of funds, it collapsed. If such
was the case it says very little for the -wisdom or
benevolence of those who, having the means of doing
good, aUowed such an undertaking to fall through, when
at the expense of a little time and money, God only
knows what good might have been done ; for objection
able as the occupation is for boys if left to thefr own
devices, it might have given the brigaded ones, who

Gatherers. Ill

were under some sort of discipline and supervision, a
start in life that would have been the turning-point for
good. The different industrial brigades of the ragged-schools
at home have turned out some bright men ; and it would
be the same here if a helping hand was held out to our
street arabs, instead of letting them run about wild. If
some of them were formed into a shoe-black brigade,
as they are in London, there can be no doubt of its
success if the charge were only a penny, for there are
hundreds who would pay that to have their boots
blacked who object to pay the sixpence or threepence
demanded by the loafers, who at present enjoy the
monopoly of that branch of the urban industry.
The price the gatherers get for the old bottles depends
upon the season. In hot weather when there in an
active demand for bottled colonial beer, the brewers will
give them ten shillings per gross. In the winter months,
when the majority of our citizens prefer whisky to beer,
the demand for " empties " is not so great, consequently
a lower price rules. For these bottles the " mariners "
give from a penny to threepence a dozen, which leaves
them a fafr margin for profit. The old medicine bottles
they wash and sell to the wholesale and retail chemists,
and get a good price for them. Old lead brings them in
from a penny to twopence per pound ; bones, eighteen-
pence per cwt. ; rags, three pounds a penny ; and old
iron, a farthing a pound. These latter articles, however,
they pick up, or get given to them for next to nothing.
Some of the men who go about gathering do so merely
as a " staU " to keep them outside the Vagrancy Act, as
it enables them to prove when arrested for vagrancy, as
they are very liable to be, that they have a means of
getting a Uving. Others take to it simply because it
gives them an opportunity of surveying the back parts of
the houses they call at, whereby they discover the easiest
way of " cracking " them. They then " lay on " some of
thefr friends, and if the burglary " comes off," which
means, if it be successful, they are let into the " swim,"
that is,' they get a share of the plunder.
Others hang on their o-wn " hooks," either as " hatters "
or in couples. By hatters we do not mean that very
respectable body of men who provide our head-gear, but

172 Lights and Shadoivs of Melbou/rne Life.
those thieves who play a "lone hand" in thefr opera
tions. The hatters do better than the others, and are
less Ukely to be " copped," for a secret that is only kno-wn
to one is much safer than when it is shared in by two.
But whether they act singly or in pairs, the modus
operandi is just the same.
Having entered a back -yard, and having received no
answer to their question re the old bottles, they, go to the
back door and knock. If no one comes to see what is "wanted,
they try the handle. If the door be locked it is a sure
indication that no one is at home. The door, or window,
is then prized open, and the house " turned over," to find
any money or jewellery that may be in it. They do not
care for clothed or other bulky articles on these occasions.
What they want is something they can put into their
pockets, and carry away without showing anything
unusual in their appearance. Having ransacked the
house, they retire by the way they came, and continue
their rounds as though nothing had happened to inter
rupt them. To divert suspicion from themselves, they go
the same round the next and few following days ; after
which they retire from business till the proceeds of the
robbery are spent.
These enterprising gentlemen do not confine their
attentions to occupied houses only, for, if they have a
chance, they will go into an empty house and steal every
key in it ; and not unfrequently pay a nocturnal visit tb
the same place, and walk off with the gas-fittings.
There is a perfect understanding between these gatherers
and the dogs belonging to the different houses they call
at. Not a friendly understanding be it understood, but
the revers3. There can be no doubt of our canine friends
being readers of character of no mean order, and when
they see a "mariner" at the back gate, their instinct
tells them they must be on the alert ; and the boys ar©
perfectly well aware of the feelings the dogs entertain
towards them. The first thing the gatherers do on
arriving at a back gate is to look out for the dog before
they open it too wide. If the dog, be chained up it's all
right, and they go inside, when the dog speedily lets th©
people of the house know they are wanted. If they
cannot see a dog, and they are in doubt as to whether
there be one or not, the cry of " Any old bottles to sell "

Gatherers. 173

will quickly bring him on the scene if there happen to
be one about. If none show up, they enter the yard with
confidence. "When there is a dog, and his barking brings
no one to see what is wanted, they conclude, and pretty
correctly, that they are aU out, and that they consider
gives them the right of search in all the yard outside the
reach of the dog's chain.
Two youngsters one day went into a yard, the occupant
of which appeared to be absent, and as they were looking
about they spied three lemonade bottles lying just within
the length of the dog's chain. The twain held a councU
of war as to how they were to be captured, for they were
determined to have them before they left. They tried to
make friends with the dog by means of a piece of bread,
but his sense of duty was stronger than his appetite.
They then tried coaxing, but all their blandishments
were thrown away, as he was not to be caught by chaff.
They then tried to steal a march upon him, by one
occupying his attention on the side furthest from the
bottles, while the other rushed in to pick them up. But
that dodge failed also, as the dog appeared to be on both
sides of his kennel at once. Another council of war was
now held as to what should be the next move, when one
of them happened to see a clothes-prop lying handy, and
that was brought into requisition to rake the bottles
towards them. A battle now took place between the
dog, a large Newfoundland, and the prop. As soon as it
was within reach he seized hold of it, and held on -with
the tenacity of death. In the struggle which ensued
the two boys managed to get the dog on the side furthest
from the bottles, and thinking he would still retain his
hold of the prop, one of them slipped round -with the
view of picking them up. But this youth nearly found
out to his cost that he" had reckoned without his host, for
as soon as the dog saw that manoeuvre, he let go the prop
and sprang at the boy, ahd he only escaped by the skin
of his teeth.
How the affair would have ended is hard to say, for at
that moment the mistress of the house entered upon the
scene -with the shrill and by no means friendly enquiry of
what they wanted. One of them answered, " They only
wanted to get at the bottles to see how much they were
worth in case she should want to sell them." The old

174 Lights and Shadows of Melbou/rne Idfe.
lady was not to be deceived by a story like that, and
she told them if they didn't clear out pretty quickly,
she would let the dog loose, and one step towards the
kennel had such an effect upon thefr movements that
in less than two seconds they were on the safe side of
the gate. ^
Intellectually these lads rank as low as they do socially,
although they may not be deficient in natural intelli
gence ; but instead of its having been improved by
education, it has been sharpened into cunning by their
gutter associations.
Their ignorance is simply appalling, and as long as the
compulsory clauses of the Education Act are aUowed to
remain inoperative, they will continue as they are — a blot
upon our civiUsation.
A few take the money they eam home to thefr parents ;
others get rid of it by playing at pitch and toss, or other
kindred games. Some spend a portion of it in going to
the galleries of the theatres, or, in the case ofthe elder, and
some of the younger ones, squander it in drink. Thus
many of theni start in life -with a taste for pUfering,
gambling, and drinking ; and with such a start, can there
be any doubt what the finish is likely to be ?
We stopped two young gatherers one day, and entered
into conversation with them concerning thefr occupation,
and how they passed thefr idle time. Among other
questions, we asked one what he did with his money.
" Take it home to my father," he answered.
" What does your father work at ? "
" Nothing."
" How does he live ? "
We understood by his answer that he loafed upon him,
and his brother, who worked at boot pegging.
" Have you no mother ? "
" Yes."
" Then why don't you give the money to her ? "
" That would be worse," said the poor boy, with a
mournful look.
What hope is there for that lad, -with a home so dismal
and associates so doubtful. ,
We asked if the other boy was his brother.
" No."
" What do you do -with your money ? "

Gatherers. ¦ 175

" Keep myself with it."
" Have you no father or mother ? "
" No."
" Do you ever play at pitch and toss ? "
"No fear," he answered. " I don't beUeve in working
hard for my money, and then losing it at pitch and toss,
the same as some of the boys do. But others win though,"
he added, -with a look that convinced us it was nothing
but the fear of losing that kept him from joining the
others in that innocent pastime.
" You would play if you thought you could win ? " we
asked. " Oh, yes," he replied naively.
There are a few women and girls engaged in gathering,
but most of them, instead of going round the rights-of-
way, visit the corporation tip, and other places where
refuse is deposited, and rake among the rubbish for rags,
bones, and scraps of iron, or anything else that may have
a commercial value.
A few Celestials adopt this mode of getting a living,
but they resemble more the chiffoniers of Paris than they
do the ordinary gatherer. They are poor, miserable-
looking creatures, and belong to the lowest and poorest
class of our Chinese population. They buy nothing, but
confine themselves to what they can pick up in the gutters
and rights-of-way. They are armed -with a piece of stout
-wire -with a hook at the end, with which they pick up the
bits of rag they see lying about, and put them in their
baskets, thus avoiding the loss of time that would be
involved in getting from under the pole that supports
their baskets.
They commence their peregrinations at daylight, and
that gives them the same advantage in picking up what
has been thrown away during the night the early bird
has in catching the worm.
As- they prowl about the rights-of-way, they are not
very particular in helping themselves to anything they
may see lying about, unless it be something too hea-vy to
Uft or too hot to handle ; then they -wUl leave it for the
right owner to do what he pleases -with. Nor are they at
aU fastidious as to what it is. A flat iron wUl please them
just as well as a pair of trousers ; and they have no more
objection to a bar of soap, except for cleansing purposes,

176 Lights and Shadows of Melbourne Life.
than they have for a gridiron or a frying-pan : and if they
can induce a hen or a duck to be quiet tiU they get hold
of its neck, it is not unlikely to furnish them with a
supper after their day's work is over. Although " John "
is so accommodating in that respect, he is not at aU self-
assertive. Should any of the acts he does by " stealth "
become " fame," he vrill, Uke the benevolent person
mentioned by the poet, not only blush, but even if caught
red-handed, stoutly deny all felonious intent. " Me no
touchee, me welly good man, no gammon, yah gand ma
goh dinooman ah foo ; " and as the last seven words are
generally considered satisfactory proof of his innocence,
he is usually allowed to depart.

( 177 )

OYSTEEMEN.
It is to be regretted that history is silent as to who the
courageous individual was who first swallowed an oyster,
and how it was he found out they were good. As a
benefactor of his species, mankind, or at least that
portion of it who like oysters, owes him a debt of grati
tude that nothing short of a monument would repay. But
it unfortunately happens that mankind is not much given
to erecting monuments to its benefactors, or, if their
memories should by any chance be honoured in stone
when dead, it is because they have, in most cases, been
neglected while living.
If this unknown hero had shown his contemporaries
how to swallow a man, instead of an oyster, he would
have been worshipped as a demigod, and would be
existent in marble in some museum at this moment.
There being no direct proof of how it came to pass that
these delicious bivalves were found to be good eating, it is
marvellous that our savans have not accounted for it by
some theory of their own. Of course, what one said the
other would contradict, that goes -without saying ; but
the subject -would be a capital grindstone for the dis
putants to sharpen their wits upon, and, as a bone of
contention, they would find enough meat upon it to last
for generations. The pubUc, too, would take an interest
in the dispute, quite as much as they do whenever the
momentous question of Hamlet's insanity crops up, or
whether or not Cambronne said at Waterloo, " The guard
dies but never surrenders," or whether our Duke, at the
same memorable fight, uttered the words, " Up, guards,
and at 'em," or any other craze that every now and then
comes to the surface to set the knowing ones by the ears.
The oyster, as an edible, was known in the early ages ;
for at a Eoman feast they were not the least esteemed of
the many delicacies placed upon the festive board. They

178 Lights and Shadows of Melbourne Life.
were expensive, too, which may be accounted for by the
fact of only a limited number of beds having been dis
covered, and the art of cultivating them being unknown.
The good a man does spreads in many directions. The
man who introduced oysters as an article of food has not
only shown us what a delicious morsel there is to be
found within the two shells of that rather unsightly lookr
ing fish, if fish it be, but he has, in consequence of the
demand for the same being so great, given many others
the means of subsistence in supplying it.
The. peripatetic oysterman thinks his social status
slightly above that of the ordinary fish-hawker; and
perhaps it is in some respects, but in manner and appear
ance he is quite, as fishy as the other, his speech as
vigorous, and his partiality for rum as decided. In a
pecuniary sense he does better, certainly, but he has to
work harder and later for it, and has much more trouble
in getting his fish ready for sale.
Oysters, when thej leave thefr beds, are joined together
by their shells in twos and threes, and sometimes more.
These have to be divorced by being chopped asunder vrith
a knife, which is a work of time. They are then cleaned,
and sorted, the larger ones being sold by the dozen, whUe
the smaller ones are opened and put into pickle bottles to
be sold for stewing, or to be eaten in any other way the
buyer may think proper. Many people think only the
stale ones go into the bottles, but that is a mistake. A- few
stale ones may find their way there, but the bottles are
the refuge of those whose stunted growth prevents their
being disposed of in any other way.
Every night, except Sunday, between the hours of six
and twelve, the cry of " Sydney rock oysters " may be
heard in all the quiet streets of Melbourne, beUowed out
in the loudest tones the human voice is capable of giving
utterance to. Stentor himself might have envied some of
these men their voices, for they are to be heard two or
three streets off from the one they are actually in ; and
one had such brazen lungs that he could be heard dis
tinctly at Williamstown while crying his oysters at Port
Melbourne. These men have an advantage over the other fish-
dealers because their oysters will keep till they can sell
them. For ten days or a fortnight they will remain

Otjstermen. 179

saleable, though of course they wiUnotbe so nice as when
when first brought to market. The consumer, however,
swaUows them in the full beUef they were fresh that
morning, and the dealer is too wise to enlighten him upon
a matter it is better for him to remain in ignorance of.
In order to enjoy a dish of oysters properly, one must
have the most absolute faith in those one is discussing,
because the time occupied in transferring one from its
shell to one's stomach is so short that if it happen to be
a bad one, one only discovers it when it is too late to be
of any service ; and of all the abominations to swallow, a
bad oyster is the most abominable.
The number of oysters some men will eat is incredible.
Dando, who was so well kno^wn in London fifty years ago,
thought no more of eating a gross than he did of swindling
the tradesman out of the money afterwards. Others hav©
been known to eat twenty dozen without any serious
consequences resulting therefrom ; and plenty swaUow
two or three dozen, in order to prepare the stomach for
dinner. We once asked a weU-known dealer what was the
greatest number he had ever known a man to eat at one
sitting or standing. He said he had heard of a man eating
upwards of thirty dozen, but had never actually seen one
swaUow more than thirteen dozen, and that was for a
wager, but the affair was not decided, owing to a dispute
about payment.
A butcher challenged the nephew of this dealer to a
contest in oyster eating, the loser to pay for the whole,
which challenge was accepted. Before beginning, a
private arrangement was come to between uncle and
nephew, that the oysters were to be divided equally as to
size, that is, the nephew was to get the small ones and
the butcher the large ones. But in spite of being thus
handicapped, the butcher had swaUowed his thirteen
dozen as soon as the other had his.
After another private confab between uncle and nephew,
the latter, thinking to " bounce " his opponent, ordered
ten dozen more. "The batcher, feeling as fresh as at the
beginning, ordered an equal number, and looked as though
he could have swallowed ten dozen more on the top of that.
As a vendor of oysters, the dealer must have admired the
butcher's, swallowing capacity, which he began to think
N 2

180 Lights and Shadows of Melbourne Life.
was unlimited, but he had not quite the same faith in his
ability to pay if he lost ; so before making a fresh start,
he said he should like to see the money staked, in case
there should be a dispute. That seemed very reasonable
to the butcher, and he asked for a blank cheque. Here
another hitch occurred. The dealer had been in business
too long not to know how fond some people are of getting
out of their liabilities by the simple process of drawing
bogus cheques, so he suggested that, as they were
strangers to each other, the same amount iu the currency
would be preferable, and as that was not forthcoming,
the wager has remained undecided until this day, though
there is no doubt the butcher would have won, as the
dealer said he believed he would have swallowed every
oyster in the shop.
On hearing that story, it appeared to us that the one
who had the least cause for satisfaction over that
transaction was the dealer himself, although he had all
along been in the most bUssful state of ignorance of it.
We asked him if each one paid for the oysters he had
eaten. " No," was the answer.
" Then you were the only one who lost ? "
" So I was," he said, after a moment's reflection ; " I
didn't think of that before."
That was some months after the event, and during the
whole of that time he had been congratulating himself
upon having been "too many" for the butcher, although
his oysters had not, and was wont, when talking the
matter over with his congeners, to take no small credit to
himself for smartness in not being " had " by a valueless
cheque. We further asked our friend if he was aware that,
having agreed to wait for payment till it had been decided
which of these two men was the greater glutton, he had
no claim upon either till it had been shown who was the
loser. He was not aware of it. Furthermore, we tpld
him that his refusal to supply more oysters made it
impossible to decide which that loser was; and as each
expected to be the winner, it was not Ukely 4hat either of
them would pay.
He was rather surprised at the legal view of the matter
and assured us that in any future oyster contests that took

Oystermen. 181

place in his establishment, the contestants would have to
pay as they went on.
" Why," he said, warming up to the subject, " two men
might come into the shop pretending they'd made a
wager, and eat till they both burst, and then call it a
' tie,' and I shouldn't be able to get a copper."
"Precisely." " Then all I can say is this," he added, savagely biting
off th© corner of a plug of tobacco — " if that's law, it's
not justice."
Seeing that he had only just become alive to the fact
that, instead of having been " too many " for the butcher,
that gentleman was, in reaUty, a few chalks ahead of him,
there is nothing surprising in the fact of his being
annoyed, for the revulsion of feeling caused by the
awakening from a pleasant illusion to an unpleasant
reaUty is never agreeable, and finding himself twenty-
six dozen of oysters to the bad was a reality our friend
found particularly unpleasant.
The peripatetic oystermen charge sixpence per dozen,
opened, and fourpence unopened, and that leaves a wide
margin for profit when a bag containing from one hundred
and eighty to two hundred dozen can sometimes be
bought for a pound. Many of the shops sell them at the
same rate, but at the principal ones the price is just
double. Most people like oysters. They are nice for lunch,
and serve well as avant couriers to the dinner. For
supper they are light and digestible, and do not disturb
our slumbers afterwards.
Many people, after having been to the theatre, are fond
of winding up with an oyster supper, with bread-and-
butter and stout, the whole topped up with a nip of
brandy to prevent any unpleasant consequences that
might arise from the action of the vinegar upon the
stomach. Men who have reached the hilarious stage
of good fellowship — that is, when they have had just
sufficient to take them to the line that divides the sober
from the drunken states — like a dozen or so of oysters as
a zest to the next and succeeding glasses. They are, also,
cooling to the system, and soothing to the nerves, when
one is hot and feverish and unable to sleep.
It would be a great pubUc loss if the supply of oysters

182 Lights and Shadows of Melbourne Life.
was to give out. As it is, they are getting rather scarce,
and unless some means are adopted for increasing the
supply, they will be as dear here as they are in England,
where they will soon become a dainty dish only fit to be
set before a king.
Some years ago the Western Port Company tried to
cultivate them here, but with a very small measure of
success, for what with the rules laid do-wn by the
authorities, and other causes, the business collapsed, and
now all we consume we import from Sydney and New
Zealand.

( 183 )

THE FLYING STATIONEE.
Some people, on reading this title, might wonder what
it means, and as they are mentally seeking a solution,
thefr thoughts wiU naturally turn to Icarus. But it is in
no Icarian sense the- term is used. As stationery is only
requfred on earth, its vendors can ply their avocations
vrithout the aid of -wings ; so we hasten to say we are
speaking of those people who go about the streets selling
note-paper, envelopes, pens, and many other small and
light articles of stationery.
We first heard the term in England, but how it came
to be applied to this class of peripatetics we cannot
conceive, for their movements are as much unlike fiying
as locomotion can well be. The few we knew at home
were remarkable for almost everything but activity. One
was what is called " bumble-footed " — that is, nature had
made the mistake of sticking a small elephant's foot on to
his right leg instead of making it to match with his left
one. Another had a pair of legs like a pair of calipers,
and, of course, pedal celerity was out of th© question -with
regard to his movements ; while a third — and he was the
most active of the lot — had a wooden leg, his own being
left somewhere in India in consequence of its being in the
way of a mutineer's bullet. But the poor fellow had his
consolation, for a grateful country allowed him sixpence a
day to live upon, and a new leg every two years. The
term " flying stationer " must have been appUed to this
order of peripatetics ironically, just as in the pre-railroad
days a conveyance whose pace was about two miles an
hour was called a " flying waggon."
The amount of capital necessary to make a start in this
business is not very large, neither are the appliances for
carrying it on by any means expensive, all that is required
being a flat pasteboard box, such as the drapers receive
half-a-dozen shirts in, one of which you can always beg ;

184 Lights and Shadows of Melbourne Life.
but a strap is needed as well, to buckle round the
middle and to carry it by.
Being provided with a shilling and the box, you are in
a position to make a beginning. You then go to the
" swag-shop " and lay out your shilling in the things you
think you will find the readiest sale for. We have never
heard the term " swag-shop " appUed in this colony to
those establishments where hawkers get their goods, but
in London that is the name they are known by, and are
mostly to be found in Houndsditch and the neighbourhood
round about there. The term " swag " only appears to be
applied here to the bundle a man carries over his shoulder
when on the "wallaby track," which is the colonial
synonym for being "on the tiamp." At home the dry
goods hawkers use it in speaking of their stock-in-trade ;
and thieves call the takings of a burglary by the same
name. Having invested your shilUng, aU that remains for you
to do now is to dispose of your stock, and by the time you
have done that you wUl have ample reason for being
satisfied with the result.
A shilling is but a small sum, and thought very Uttle
of by most people. It is, also, a convenient coin, for a
man who has forgotten to come prorided with a three
penny bit can put it in the plate at church without
breaking his heart. It is handy, likewise, as a " tip " for
a boy you wish to encourage, or -to give to a little girl to
buy lollies with. It is, moreover, historical, for who has
not heard of So-and-so being cut off with a shUling ? or
of Such-and-such- a-one having threatened to confine the
legacy of a graceless son or nephew to that amount? It
is the favourite foundation, too, on which many a stupen
dous fortune has been built. "We have some very wealthy
men in this fair city of ours who are fond of boasting of
their small beginnings — of how they started with a
shilUng and a basket, and now you see what they are.
It might have been a few pounds, but they prefer the
shiUing, as it sounds better and sets off their energy to
greater advantage.
One of these successful colonists tells us how he landed
forty years ago with twenty-five pounds in his pocket, and
a tolerable " kit " ; how he saw " life " till the money was
all gone save one solitary shiUing, and that he -had

The Flying Stationer. 185

received from a kind-hearted relative with whom he, had
just left the last article of that kit that had any value.
That evening, as he was discussing his present position
and future prospects with his landlady, she, good soul,
lent him a basket and advised him to invest the shUling
in some kind of merchandise, and hawk it about, till he
could do something better. He acted upon that advice,
and the shilling's-worth of wares brought him in three-
and-sixpence. Tui-ning one's capital over in one day,
with a clear profit of two hundred and fifty per cent., is
not bad. That night he indulged in the luxury of a
" square meal," the first he had had for a week. The next
day he invested two shillings in the same things, with
equally satisfactory results ; and so he kept on, till at the
end of the week square meals became the rule instead of
the exception. At the end of another week he was again
on visiting terms with his uncle, but on these occasions
he might have been seen coming out with a bundle under
his arm instead of going in with one.
Love, seeing how fortune smiled upon him, also took an
interest in his welfare, and the two together have watched
over him ever since. He felt a great regard for the basket
he had made such a happy start in business ¦with, and
wished to retain it as his own personal property ; and he
came to the conclusion that the best way of doing that
would be to. marry its then lawful owner. She, prudent
woman that she was, thought that with his perseverance
and luck, and her own wit, they would do very well
together, and consented. The result proved how correct
her judgment had been.
Three days were all they allowed themselves for the
honeymoon, after which they went to work in earnest.
He StiU persevered, and his luck continued, and her wit
was quite equal to taking care pf all the money she got
hold of. They prospered exceedingly, indeed far beyond
their most sanguine, expectations, and have long since
retired from business.
The profits of the fiying stationery business are rather
large. A man who starts with a shilling's-worth of
goods can manage to live out of it for the day, and have
enough left to renew his stock with the next morning,
unless he allows his thirst to overcome his prudence,
which is too frequently the case with those who incline

186 Lights and Shadows of Melbourne Life.
to this branch of industry. There are a few young men
engaged in it, but they are not of the kind that form the
bone and sinew of a nation. On the contrary, they are
too lazy to work, and too thriftless ever to rise abave a
certain position in society, and that is always a very low
one. The others are old and confirmed drunkards, with
no home but the sixpenny lodging-house, and no aspiration
beyond the threepenny tap.
Some of them do not depend solely upon their stationery
as a mea,ns of raising the wind, as they call it, but carry-
it more as a " stall " than with a view of giving it in
exchange for the currency, their real business being
begging. If any one wants a few envelopes or a little
note-paper, they wUl sell them certainly, but they would
much rather receive the money without giving anything
in retum, as that lays them under the painful necessity
of having to practise a Uttle self-denial when the time
comes for renewing their stock.
As a class, they are much given to loquacity, and are
fond of talking of what they have been in times past, and
how well they might have done had it not been for drink,
not knowing they are saying that which should close the
hearts of all against their appeals. But gentiUty, brought
to poverty by vice, is looked upon with more pitying eyes,
and is treated far more indulgently, than are the lowly
poor, and those whose poverty is the result of misfortune
alone. Foremost among the flying stationers was Mr. Bob
Temple, who died a few years ago in Her Majesty's gaol
of Melbourne, to which he had been committed for six
months as an habitual drunkard. He failed, however, to
complete the whole of his sentence, for the hominy and
Yarra- Yarra water were too many for him. His weakened
stomach could not stand such vigorous diet, and he
succumbed to their influence within a very short time
of his admittance.
Bob " was a fellow of infinite jest," insatiable in the
matter of beer, and decidedly partial to rum. He belonged
to that rather large class of people of whom it is said,
"He is no one's enemy but his o-wn." It's a pity the
name of the sapient individual who first uttered that
aphorism is not known, so that it might be handed do-wn
to posterity. A man does not belong to himself, but to

The Flying Stationer. 187
society, to which he owes certain duties. If he neglect
those duties, he commits a crime, and he cannot well
fulfil them if he drinks himself into a state of semi-
idiocy, and yet, when he has done so, he is said to be no
one's enemy but his own.
Bob was not a bad-hearted old feUow in the main,
although he had what is caUed " an ugly tongue " when
anything went wrong with him, such as being obliged to
stop half way on the road to drunkenness for want of the
means to complete the journey ; but, take him altogether,
it -wUl be some time before " we see his Uke again."
He had been much about in his time, and had studied
men and manners. He had, also, known the vicissitudes
of fortune. Some years ago he kept a store in San
Francisco, and was doing well — in fact, making rapid
strides to wealth; but a fire, by which he lost thfrty
thousand doUars, reduced him to poverty in one night.
That was the turning-point in his do-wnward career. He
took to drink, and that hastened his descent, and brought
him to the lowest depths of degradation, from which he
could never afterwards rise, nor did he try to do so. He
was no fool, in the ordinary acceptation of the term, for
he had read much, and of the seeds thus scattered through
his mind many had fallen on favourable soU, and nothing
but an over-irrigation by beer had prevented their bearing
good fruit.
He used to say that the greatest mistake he ever made
in his Ufe was to run away with another man's ¦wife, or,
rather, aUow her to run away with him. Poor Bob was
not the first one who has made the discovery that the
breach of that particular clause of the tenth commandment
is a mistake. If a man steal another's goods, he steals
something he can get rid of, if he is not found out in
time to preven^t it; but if he appropriate his ¦wife, he
gets hold of something not easUy disposed of in the event
of his getting tired of her, owing to the difficulty of
finding a " fence " ¦wUUng to negotiate stolen property of
that description. Neither is she easUy hidden, because,
although she may be " lost," she has a natural disUke to
remaining perdue. Nor is it safe to put her quietly
away, for, although the law allows you to steal another
man's wife, it has a strong objection to your murdering
ber.

188 Lights and Shadows of Melbourne Life.
In addition to all that, the outraged husband sometimes
makes matters exceedingly uncomfortable, in person or
pocket, for the disturber of his domestic bUss, all of which
make it easy to believe that running away with another
man's wife is a mistake.
Bob found many to sympathise with him in his fallen ,
condition, and he got rather more than his share of elee
mosynary patronage ; consequently he was able to begin
drinking soon after he started on his round in the morn
ing, keep on all day, and as far into the night as the
money would allow.
One thing may be mentioned here about the class of
people to which our friend belonged ; and that is, ex
perience has taught them the ¦wisdom of spending thefr
money as fast as they get it, for, if they do not, some one
else wUl for them, as living among such doubtful characters
as some of the habitues of the sixpenny lodging-houses are,
the chances are, if they went to bed with any left at night,
they would not be able to find it the next moming. Tha^t
was the principle upon which Bob always acted, for, as
he naively said,
" I may as well get drunk on the money myself as let
another man do it for me."
Another of our flying stationers was once in business in
Melbourne as a chemist. He has not been seen about his
usual haunts for some time, so he must have passed over
to the great majority. He was quite as great a character
in his way as the late Mr. Bob, and was quite as fond of
beer. His manner of living and general behaviour was
a little more respectable than that of the last-named
gentleman, as he occupied a room — or, as he- called it,
had apartments — to himself, somewhere in Little Bourke
Street. He had a small circle of friends, upon whom he
would call when times were dull, who, on these occasions,
gave him food to take home.
He suffered much from what he called rheumatic gout
in the feet, but which was in reality dropsy, caused by
the quantity of beer he drank. He was a poet, or at
least caUed himself one ; and one might almost have
thought his poetry had the rheumatic gout as weU as his
feet, for the one halted just as badly as the other.
It is astonishing what a number of apparently sane
people there are to be met with who look upon themselves

The Flying Stationer. 189
as poets. If they can only string a few lines of th©
Queen's English together, and make them jingle at the
ends, they settle down in the very comfortable belief that
it is poetry, and they entertain but a poor opinion of those
who do not regard it in the same light.
Our ex-chemist carried about for sale some printed
sheets of his effusions, which the buyer could have at his
own price, whether, it were a penny, or a shilling, or any
intermediate coin. He was a ventriloquist, too, in a
small way, and could give some very amusing displays
of his skill in that line. Among his other small articles,
he sold spectacles, and would let any one have a pair
of pebbles worth fifteen shillings, according to his own
guarantee, for half-a-crown, or, if he could not get that
much, he would take sixpence. He was particularly
loud in his denunciations of drunkenness, saying what
a bad thing it is, and how much better he would have
done if he had not given way to it.
The flying stationery business is a nice light one, and -
well suited to old people of limited means, such a smaU
outlay — ^a shUUng only — ^being required to make a start
with. In fact, if it wanted more, many of those who now
follow it would be unable to do so, as that is about the
largest sum they can ever muster at one time. That
shilling, when raised, has to be quickly invested in stock,
or it wotUd find its way into some hotel-keeper's till, as
the only belief the people this paper treats of have in
money is that it was made to circulate ; and to keep it
idle in the pocket while there was plenty of good beer
to be had in exchange for it is, in their estimation, some
thing like flying in the face of Providence, and doing an
injury to society.
The two chief wants of these men are a bed and beer :
all others have to stand over till the funds will allow of
their being attended to ; and of these two the bed is
alwajs made sure of firs-t. The reason why that is so is
this: their credit not standing very high at the places
where they " doss it," they have to pay in advance for
their sleeping accommodation. If they were to put off
paying for the bed till they wanted to occupy it, th©
chances are they would have to pass the night in the
gutter, unless some policeman carried them off to the
lock-up ; for, by then, they would be much too drunk to

190 Lights and Shadows of Melbourne Idfe.
care about a bed at all, especially after being nicely
tucked in in the gutter. But as sleeping in the latter
plaCe tends to rheumatism, they secure the bed before
hand, and then finish up the day in one of the neighbour
ing taps, in the perfect confidence that, when they have
lost the use of their legs, some of their comrades less
drunk than themselves, will carry them off to bed, that
being an understood thing among them.

( 1^1 )

THE TEAVELLING DEAPEE.
Besurgam may be said by your old coat as truthfully as
it can be by yourself, for you wiU both rise again after
having undergone a process of demolition. All that is
material and corruptible about yourself the worms will
consume, and at the resurrection, if you have deserved it,
you -wiU be reclothed with incorruptibility, and translated
to a purer and better state.
What the worms have done for you, the tackle will do
for your old coat. It will then be teazed into fluff; after
that, spun into yarn, then woven into a web, and, flnally,
the teaselling machine -will raise a nap, and it will come
forth once more, smooth, glossy, and respectable looking,
but it will only be shoddy.
Shoddy is not alone confined to cloth. There is plenty
of human shoddy to be found among every class of people
who inhabit this fair world of ours'; the'j difficulty being
not to discover it, but to discover where it is not.
Would it be possible for the merest tyro in the study
of mankind to overlook the shoddiness of some of those
who are to be seen in high places, who are not even
smooth, or glossy, or respectable looking ?
, In the " House," too, a Uttle may be seen in men who,
. when on the stump, have guaranteed themselves real
" West of England " " aU wool," and warranted not to
shrink — from their duties.
Whether there be any shoddy in the legal business, we
shall leave people to find out for themselves, as it's a
" cloth " we know nothing about, and as we've never
wished to be wiser in the matter, we've made no inquiries.
It is evidently worked up in the bodily textures of some
of the gentlemen who form the committees of our charitable
institutions, for they get uncommonly rough when brushed
against the wool.

192 Lights and Shadows qf Melbourne Idfe,
Nothing in creation can hide its own nature, or be
disobedient to the laws that govern it. Men may, for a
time, set Nature at defiance, and restrain her operations ;
but it is only for a time. In the end she will assert herself
to the confusion of those who sought to interfere with her.
Thus it is with shoddy. Wherever it is, whether in the
man or coat, it will manifest itself, whatever may be don©
to hide it.
Most people Uke bargains. Convince a man that a
given article is worth a pound, and offer it for five
shillings, and th© chances are, whether he wants it or
not, he will take it. It is that love of bargains which
makes them fall such easy victims to the shoddy- vend ors,
who go about "like roaring lions, seeking whom they
may devour."
These men produce some pieces of nice-looking cloth,
which they guarantee to be remnants of a first-rate
article, but which are, in reality, only short lengths of
shoddy. These they offer at marvellously low prices,
and, by sheer push, induce thefr dupes to give thefr
sterUng coin in exchange for the worthless stuff.
It is a good thing to bfe able to push weU, whether one
is forcing one's way through a crowd, or striving for a
position in the world, or conducting a transaction in
connection with drapery. Pushing has now become part
of the drapery business, and if a young man cannot push
his way into 'his employer's good graces, by pushing the
goods into the customers, he will stand a very good chance
of being pushed into the street himself.
We all know the meaning of the verb "to push" in
in everyday life, but every one may not knpw that, in
the drapery line, it means making people spend half-a-
crown when they only intended to lay out a shilUng.
The travelling draper is a decided improvement upon
the flying stationer, both in a mercantile and social
aspect, though there are a few, in the lower grade of the
business no better in any respect whatsoever.' Thes©
also carry their stock-in-trade in flat pasteboard boxes,
said stock consisting of about a shilling's-worth of needles,
tape, and reels of cotton, intended, not so much for sale,
as a cloak for begging, and to keep them outside the
Vagrancy Laws. There are, also, a few" women engaged
in this trade, some of whom are no better than the men

The TraveUing Draper. 193
just alluded to. Their habits and tastes are the same,
and their antecedents quite as cloudy. Nor are they
less beggars, for they depend more upon their artfully-
concocted tales of distress than they do upon the sale of
needles and cotton.
There are many grades in the travelUng drapery
business, the lowest being those just above mentioned,
and the highest the men who go about in a trap drawn
by one or two horses ; while the middle ranks are filled
up by the pedlars who carry their goods done up in a
bundle, covered ¦with American cloth to keep them from
the wet, or els© in baskets similar to .those carpenters
carry thefr tools in, only larger.
The men with bundles mostly sell dresses, shawls,
ribbons, etc. ; while the men with baskets confine them
selves to cloth, which they call remnants of " West of
England," but which are, in reality, only pieces of shoddy,
and usually the worst kind of tha^t.
Some of the " upper ten " of these glib-tongued gentry-
are in a large way of business, and do very well, fre
quently employing an assistant, or working in conjunction
with a partner. • There are some in Melbourne now keeping
very pretentious shops, who first started with a basket;
but these were only the careful plodding ones, who, instead
of spending thefr profits in drink as fast as they got it,
applied it to the increase of their stock, till, froin a basket,
they rose to a horse and trap, and from that to a shop,
and now they are well-to-do and influential citizens.
As a class, these men are not remarkable for a high-
toned commercial moraUty in their dealings -with the
public. On the contrary, they appear to think that if a
person chooses to give ten shiUings for an article worth
nothing, he has a perfect right to do so, and anymeddUng
on the part of the law or any one else is an act of down
right impertinence, and an interference with the liberty
of the subject in a country where a man is supposed to
possess the privileg© of conducting his own business in
his O'wn way.
However much we may feel inclined to boast of the
intelligence of the nineteenth century, our friends in the
travelling drapery business certainly do not believe in it,
for they come across so many fools in their travels, that
they have long since arrived at the conclusion that wise
0

194 Lights and Shadow? of Melbourne Life.
men are the exception, and not the rule ; and as they are
guided by their own experience of mankind in forming
that opinion, we may depend upon it they are not far
wrong. The daily papers are constantly warning people against
the doings of these shoddy men ; but it may be said of
to-day as it was of the olden times, " Wisdom crieth out
aloud in the streets, but no man heedeth her."
It is a very debatable point whether we shall ever b©
as wise as we ought to be this side of the Millennium, or
at least wise enough not to be taken in by such trans
parent dodges as are continually being offered for our
consideration. If those keen-witted individuals who
have such a craving after our money -vrould treat us to a
novelty in the art of fleecing, it would not be so bad, as
we should at all events learn something for our monej-.
But it is the same dodge over and over again ; we are
"had" to-day by the same trick we were "sold" by
yesterday ; and if we are not " done " in the same way
to-morrow, it wiU be because the opportunity has been
denied us.
These shoddy men and others who live by their wits
are, as a rule, keen observers of mankind, and in their
intercourse with the world have had ample opportunities
for discovering that people who have plenty of money are
sometimes very deficient in sense, and those with plenty
of the latter (themselves for instance) seldom possess a
- superabundance of the former. As they consider that an
abnormal state of things, they look upon themselves as
justified in depriving them of some of the vUe dross, in
exchange for a little of their cwn wit, in the hope that
they may become wise by experience, and learn how to
keep what they have left. In carrying out that idea
they are sometimes eminently successful, as far as ex
tracting the money goes ; but in teaching wisdom they
are not quite so fortunate.
These men never calculate upon dealing with the same
person twice ; neither are they in a hurry to visit th©
same locaUty again, as they consider a personal interview
with their customers before the recollection of their last
bargain has become dimmed by time would not be much
to their advantage, as the mildest of mankind has an
objection to be cheated; and, when he finds he has been.

The Travelling Draper. 195
he is apt to entertain feelings towards those who have
victimised him that are not in accordance with pure
Christian charity.
A friend of ours was once interviewed by one of these
pushing gentlemen, and asked if he wanted a rare bargain
in coatings and vestings. Bro^wn,.for that was his name,
was one of those who are vulgarly said to . " know their
way about," which was certainly true in his case in more
senses than one. He had a craving for knowledge of any
kind that was insatiable, and knew something of every
conceivable subject that could be brought on the tapis,
from divinity down to the latest dodge introduced by
¦those genial-looking individuals called " confidence men."
He understood at a glance the manner of man he had to
deal with in this shoddy man, and knew as well as he
did himself what he was going to say ; but he thought he
might as well trot him out, in the hope of being able
to add another " wrinkle " to those time had already
stamped upon his brow, so he gave him a slight en
couragement to " open out," which he was not long in
doing. The merchant was a slippery-tongued young feUow,
and Brown could see he had no mean opinion of his own
ability, and that he looked upon him (our friend) as
one to be " had " with as much certainty as though his
money was already in his pocket. He said he was tra
velling for a firm in Flinders Street who had a sudden
and urgent need for a certain sum of money by next
Wednesday. " Money we want," he said, " and money we must have,
at any sacrifice, to keep the estate out of sequestration."
All the time he was talking he was sorting some
pieces of cloth ; and when he had got them in order, he
continued :
" Now here's a remnant of splendid black cloth sufficient
to make a coat and vest ; and here's a piece of blue that
¦will make you a paget ; and this piece of splendid Geelong
tweed will make you a trousers and vest ; and if you buy
the cloth, you can get the whole of the articles made up at
the factory in Flinders Street for ten-and-six, trimmings
included ; now, what do you say for the lot ? "
"What do you ask for it?" queried Brown.
" Well, I want thirty-five shillings for the black cloth,
0 2

196 Lights and Shadows of Melbourne Life.
fifteen for the blue, and the tweed you may have for
eighteen, making in all, three eight; and when you've
got them made into garments for ten-and-six, you'll have
a bargain you'll never meet with again."
" Can I have the clothes made up for my boys ? " Brown
asked. " Most certainly," was the ready response.
Our friend expressed great regret that he had not as
much money by him.
" How much have you ? "
Brown shook his head and said — -
" Nothing Uke that."
" Come now, I'll tell you what I'll do ; you shall have
the lot for two ten ; you can't grumble at that."
" That seems very cheap," said Brown in reply, where--
upon he saw a gleam of satisfaction in the young feUow's
eyes ; " but let me understand you. If I buy that cloth
sufficient to make two coats, two vests, and a pafr of
trousers, I can get the five garments made up for ten-
and-sixpence ? "
"Yes."" Then I tell you what I'll do. You may leave the
cloth with me, and I'll send the boys to Flinders Street
this afternoon to get measured, and as soon as they are
done you may call and get the money."
A blank look passed over shoddy's countenance as
he heard this ; but it lingered only a moment, and he
said —
" That's fair ; but there's one thing that prevents that
arrangement being come to, and that is, our urgent
need of money. The money must be obtained by next
Wednesday, and the clothes cannot be made up by
then." " Then I must wish you good morning."
" How much will you give for the lot ? WiU you give
two pounds ? "
" My good fellow, how old are you ? " asked Brown.
The question rather surprised the other, and he couldn't
exactly see what his age had to do with it.
"It certainly hasn't much to do with it, but I was
merely going to tell you that I knew all about shoddy
long before you were born."
"With that the baffled one packed up and " sloped."

The Travelling Draper, 197
Palpable as that dodge may seem, there were plenty of
people so anxious to get a bargain that they were com
pletely taken in by it, and only found out how green
they had been when they went in search of the factory
they had been directed to, which they either could not
find, or, having found it, were smiUngly told that they
had been gulled, as the person who sold them the cloth
was in no way connected -vrith the establishment.
Another kind of travelling draper goes about in a
showy-looking trap for orders, and shows samples of
really good lines, at marvellously low prices, for ready
cash. Small shopkeepers are the ones usually operated
upon by these gentry; and the dupes after they have
received the goods and paid for them discover that the
sample and the bulk are slightly different. But then
they can console themselves with the reflection that, if
they have been taken in themselves, they can make
matters square by taking in some one else.
The profits the travelling draper gets on his goods are
very great, as they are mostly "job lots," or damaged
articles he deals in, though of course his customers are
not aware of that. The men connected with this branch
of industry are very pushing in the way of conducting
business. " No " with them is anything but a negative
particle, and it will take one a good half hour to convince
them it does not mean " Yes." And in the matter of
colour, if one wants a blue and they happen to be without
it, they will persuade one that green will do infinitely
better — in fact, they will do business with one if they
-can. They will rummage their goods about, and take so
much trouble to display them before one's eyes, that
one feels ashamed to let them depart without buying
something. It is a mistake for people to fancy they can buy things
cheaper from hawkers than they can at the shops. On
the contrary, they are dearer, for one has to pay a good
price for an inferior article. But then it is mostly in the
country places a long way from any shop where these
men do business, and if they can save one a journey by
bringing what one wants to one's door, that is worth
something.

198 Lights and Shadows of Melbourne Life.

STEEET MUSICIANS.
Music, they say, " hath charms to soothe the savage
breast." -Now the question is, what is music, and where
does it begin, and discord end ?
The East Indian thinks the noise of the tomtom the most
sublime of all earthly sounds, while the Chinese consider
their reeds and. pipes and stringed instruments the only
real exponents of harmony. Some people of a melancholy
turn take delight in discoursing dismal airs on the flute,
and think they are indulging in music ; others, in the full
belief they are wooing Euterpe, drive those in their
vicinity half mad by rasping on the fiddle. With such
as these, skill in execution is of no moment whatever;
the mere fact of being able, by breathing into a flute, to
convert their own breath into musical sounds, or produce
some kind of measured noise by the friction of horsehair
on catgut, is-quite sufficient for them.
As far as can be seen into the past, music has been part
of religious ceremonies and funeral rites, the priest,
prophet, and poet being the musicians. In secular
matters, too, it has always played an important part,-no
military pageant or private amusement being complete
without it.
In the heathen mythology, we are told, ApoUo was the
inventor of music ; hence his title, th© god of music.
Mercury is credited with the invention of the lyre, or, as
it has been called, the sounding shell.
The power of music in those days was much greater
than it is in our own, if we are to believe all we are told.
By its means Mercury closed in sleep the hundred eyes
of Argus as he was watching over Jove's beloved Io.
Orpheus brought the most ferocious beasts to his feet by
the persuasive eloquence of his instrument, and Amphion -
caused the huge stones and the massive pillars with which

Street Musicians, 199

Thebes was built to dance into their proper places by the
magic touch of his lyre. Poor Orpheus, inconsolable for
the loss of his Eurydice, went to seek her in the infernal
regions, where he played so sweetly that even the merci
less heart of Pluto was softened, and the torments of the
damned -were for a time suspended. He could not resist
the musical appeal of the widowed Orpheus, and he
promised to restore his wife to him on condition that he
left the Tartarean abode without looking behind him;
but, alas I his anxiety to behold once more his beloved
wife was so great that he forgot what he had promised,
and, looking back, had in consequence to depart alone.
Ajrion of Lesbas, a famous lyric poet and musician,
having amassed great riches in Italy, was returning to
his o-wn country when the sailors conspired to kill him
for the sake of his wealth. He asked and obtained permis
sion to touch his lyre before he died. After having played
for a short time he leaped into the sea, where a dolphin,
that had been charmed by his music, was waiting to
receive him, and it bore him on its back in safety to
Tenarum in Laconia. For that benevolent act the dolphin
was placed among the constellations.
In biblical history Jubal is the first mentioned as a
musician, and he was called " the father of all such as
handle the harp and the organ."
Some nations have an instrument peculiar to themselves.
The Swiss abide by the Alpine hom, and believe it to be
second to nothing in the musical line. By its means they
have been taught to love the ranz des raches with such an
intensity ,'of feeUng that on hearing it when far from
their native hiUs, they are seized with such an irresistible
longing for home, that unless it is gratified they sink
under what is called mat de pays. The Irish are stirred
to enthusiasm by the harp ; and the Scotch seek consola
tion in the bagpipes. The Welsh also look upon the harp
as their national instrument, and love to hear its melodious
notes. It was an unfortunate thing for the bards in the time
of Edward I. that the Welsh were so fond of listening to
the harp, as that monarch, seeing what power they had
over the minds of the people, cut the matter short by
having them all put to death.
The English appear to have no preference for any

200 Lights and Shadows of Melbourne Life,
particular instrument, as all, from the grand organ down
to the nigger bones, are the same to them.
Outdoor music, as we hear it interpreted in our streets
by some of the wandering players, has not a nice effect
upon the nerves of some people, for it embraces all the
degrees of badness — the positive, comparative, and super
lative. It would be a bad job for some of these players
if there were no people about to whom discord and
harmony are synonymous terms. These, thinking they
encourage art, donate the disturbers of public quiet »
copper, or a stray threepenny, thereby encouraging a
nuisance that wUl acquire larger dimensions as soon as it
is seen it will pay. They are not all bad players, how
ever, these peripatetics. Some of them are first-rate
instrumentalists, who, one would think, ought to do much
better than playing about the streets.
A pair, an Italian and a native bom, used to go about
the stree-ts of Melbourne, one ¦with a harp, and the other
with a penny tin whistle. The music the latter extracted
from his instrument was simply astonishing. One -who
had never heard him play it would think it hardly
possible to bring forth the notes he did from an article
that was made for, and sold to, the rising generation of
forty years agone as a plaything. Our memory takes us
back to its first appearance, and we have a lively recoUec
tion of how speedily it became in our hands, or between
our lips, an instrument of torture to the unmusical portion
of our elders.
A very stout man has for some years past nightly
charmed the ears of the visitors to Scott's or Menzies -with
his vocal displays. He accompanies himself on the guitar
in the orthodox style, at least as we see it done on the
stage, or in the pictorial representations of the old trou
badours. In playing the guitar, a man can put on any amount of
" side," but he must be of a graceful figure, which our
fat friend certainly is not.' He may at one time have
been as slim as any love-lorn troubadour of old, but he
has long outgrown that, although the " side " remains.
Two strolling musicians, one of whom plays the con
certina and the other the banjo, play nightly before the
bars of the different pubUc-houses in and around Mel
bourne, and a very good thing they make of it, for men

Street Musicians, 201

when half-drunk, as most of their listeners are, reward
pretty UberaUy those who know how to tickle their
musical instinct. The man with the banjo sings, and
selects those songs he knows will be most agreeable to
the tastes of his audience, however sentimental or other
wise that audience may be.
Where the Irish element predominates, he finds " Wear
ing of the Green " highly provocative of liberality on the
part of his listeners ; and " Scots wha hae," is equaUy
efficacious in extracting " bawbees " from the " pouches "
of the patriotic half " fou " sons of Scotia. A group of
fast young feUows - can have their ears tickled by sotto
voce songs, if the banjoist thinks there is any chance of
being " patronised " for it, and this same singer would be
quite as ready to sing the Old Hundredth psalm, if it were
possible to find two churchwardens in such a place to
listen to it.
In London a man went about who was quite an
orchestra in himself. -He played the violin -with his
hands, and beat a big drum at his back, the sticks being
strapped to his elbows. He wore a largo hat, not unlike
a Chinese pagoda in shape. This unique kind of head
gear was studded all over vrith small brass bells, which
tinkled in obedience to a nod of the head. He beat the
cymbals with his knees, and blew vigorously into a huge
set of Pandean pipes stuck in his cravat ; whUe his feet
danced nimbly over fifty or sixty treadles, above which h©
was seated. Each of these treadles gave vitality to the
clapper of a hand-beU hung about a large frame that went
on wheels.
The nearest approach to this genius ever seen in Mel
bourne was a blind man, who played the flute, a concertina,
and beat a drum and the cymbals at the same time. This
man, blind as he is, invented this queer music machine
himself, and made it while living at Blind Sam's sixpenny
lodging-house in Little Bourke Street. It was not a very
compUcated affair, merely consisting of a light framework,
-with two treadles, one of which set the drumstick to
work, and the other brought the cymbals into play.
Another blind man, who used to play the concertina
and sing to it in Bourke Street, has disappeared, doubtless
to the satisfaction of the frequenters of that thoroughfare.
A few years ago a blind fiddler used to play hornpipes.

202 Lights and' Shadows of Melbou/rne .Life.
daily and nightly in the streets, to the intense delight of
an attendant crowd of young nimble-footed larrikins, who '
would keep time to the music "with some of their graceful
and cpmplicated j)as on the neighbouring kerbstone.
The great majority of the blind musicians of the present
' day affect the hand-organ when they appeal to the
musical natures of the Melbourne people. With the
exception of a few small ones, which the operators hold
in their laps while playing, the organs are all on wheels,
for most of the blind men are too feeble to carry about
such a heavy load ; and those who are not are far too lazy.
Each one is accompanied by a " wife " to steer the organ
through the cro-wded streets, and turn the crank, while
the/' husband " leans against a verandah post, holding out
the eleemosynary tin-box for the charitable to drop their
coins into. When the woman is tired and wants a
" spell," the man takes to the ci'ank, and she holds out
the box, and so on alternately.
One of these women is very fond of adding the sweet
tones of her own voice to the notes of the org9.n, and the
way she sings " My grandfather's clock " is a ravir.
The larger and better kind of street organs are worked
by Italians, presumably with good results, as there are
mostly a couple of Italia's swarthy sons in attendance.
The smaller hand-organ,' which hangs in front pf the
player, is also ground by men of the same nationaUty.
One has a monkey cutting capers on the top of the organ,
said monkey keeping a sharp lookout for the coins the
admiring spectators sometimes present him with, which'
he immediately consigns to his mouth, and keeps there
till his master makes him disgorge.
There is a serio-comic expression upon the face of this
monkey that is remarkable, and a look of settled disgust
that plainly shows he is dissatisfied with something.
What is it ? Is there a Darwin in the Simian world who
has also discovered that the quadrumana and the dual
handed are of a common origin? If so, has our littie
friend heard of it ? He may have, and that may account
for his look of disgust at having to acknowledge the
grinning crowd around him as members of his own order.
A few years ago a young Italian came into notice, who
had discovered a use for his digits never intended by the
Creator, and as a natural consequence, he caused quite a

Street Musicians. 203

furore wherever he went ; as people always do who can
set nature at defiance, or discover something in her works
she never thought of herself. This genius, by putting
two fingers of one hand into his mouth, blew an accom
paniment to the organ he played with the other, in a man
ner that was rather astonishing. One who has only heard
the boys about the streets whistling with their fingers can
form rio idea of the music this young feUow could extract
from the tips of those two simple instruments, by merely
blowing upon them when inside his mouth. It is true
there was nothing very graceful about the action, neither
did it improve the shape of his mouth, and there was a
look of impending apoplexy about the eyes as he trilled
forth his notes that conveyed a very unpleasant feeling
to the minds of those who were looking" on.
The best known character in the itinerant musical
world of Melbpui-ne is an individual rejoicing in the
cognomen of " Ballarat Joe." He is tall of stature, and is
always seen in a white bell-tppper -with a broad black
band. His organ is about the best to be seen in the
streets, and is an object of care and veneration to its
o-wner. He hails from BaUarat, as the prefix to his name
teUs us, and is as weU known there as the " corner "
itself. Like many other privileged public characters, he is
plain of speech, and when offended or offered a copper, is
apt to give vent to his displeasure in no measured terms.
Some years ago he went to England to get a new organ,
and was returning in the Queen of the Thames, when
that unfortunate vessel was lost, and of course his organ
went down with her. "When he got back to Victoria, he
was about as poor as he well could be, but a subscription
was got up tp raise the means of getting him another
instrument, and the organ he has now is the result.
Some of his admirers, either seriously or fpr fun, pnce
started him as a candidate to represent one of the divisions
of Ballarat in the Legislative Assembly. He failed to
secure the seat, however, which is perhaps to be regretted,
as his " organ " of speech would have brought him into
the same prominence inside the House his barrel organ
dpes pn the putside pf it.
We have several German brass bands in pur midst, but
they mpstly affect the suburbs, where they are less likely

204 Lights and Shadows of Melbourne Life.
to frighten the horses than they would be in town, and
where they find a more copious inflow of threepenny bits.
These carry their music-stands with them, and stand in a
circle, when they " pitch," in order that the sounds of the
various instruments may blend in one.
London at one time absorbed all the superfluous brass
instrumentalists of Germany, but now that Bismarck has
made the military conscripticn so irksome, more Vater-
landers emigrate than the English capital can support,
consequently we are more favoured -with their company
now than we formerly were.
The dulcet strains of the Scotch bagpipes are not very
often heard in the streets of Melbourne, except on the
occasion of a Caledonian gathering, at which time they
may be heard to advantage. A Highlander, or, at any
rate, a man dressed in Highland costume, may sometimes
be seen marching to and fro in front of Scott's, playing
the pipes to remind any Scotch squatter who may happen
to be staying there of the land of his birth.
Whether these itinerant musicians do any good, in the
way of creating a taste for music, is open to question. A
few idlers in the streets may like to Usten to them, till
the man comes round with the hat ; but the business
people would rather dispense with their " concord of
sweet sounds."
Our street players are not so wise in their generation
as the fraternity in London are. Here, if the coins are
not quickly forthcoming, they pack up and pitch some
where else. In the quiet streets of London exactly the
opposite obtains. Here they play on till they are paid to
go away, which they well know they will be if they stay
long enough. Consequently, as soon as they " strike up,"
the people opposite whose houses they have pitched send
out the servants with what they have to give, when the
musicians cut their piece short and move on. If the
householder's troubles ended with one band, it wouldn't
so much matter, but as it is, it's only the beginning ofthe
day's annoyances, for they have no sooner persuaded one
lot to go away than another comes, who have also to be
blackmailed into moving on. Thus it keeps on, all
through the day, and far into the night.
No women, as far as we know, are engaged at the
present time in providing al fresco concerts for the people

Street Musicians. 205

in and abput Melbpume, except the few who assist the
blind barrel-organists. There were a few some years
ago, but they appear to have taken their departure to
more favoured lands, all except one old blind woman, who
is living on her means in one of the suburbs.
The reason why the EngUsh-speaking race is so highly
favpured in the matter of foreign musicians is because
they have taken it into their heads that if a man be an
Italian he must be a musical genius ; and they would
give five times as much to hear him play or sing, however
indifferently he might do it, as they would to hear one of
their own countrymen. That fact the " Padroni," who
import these itinerants, are perfectly well aware of, and
they make the most of it.
The next thing to being an Italian is for an EngUsh
professional to take an Italian name. However skilful
Mr. Greathead may be in his own particular line, he
would draw together but small audiences if he retained
his patronymic in its plain English ; but as " Signor del
Capo Gross© " he might become the rage.

206 Lights and Shadoivs of Melbourne Life,

TISKEES.
It has been said that half the world does not know
how the other half lives. Of the wisdom and truth of
that saying there can be no doubt, for there are vast
numbers pf highly inteUigent fplks whp are in a mpst
benighted state as tp the nature and number pf callings
there are in which men can get an hpnest living.
Each pccupation, of whatever kind it may be, is
followed by people who have, apparently, a natural in
clination that way, for they fall into the line as surely
as though they were impeUed thereto by some natural
force. Nor is that peculiarity confined to any particular
nation or locality. It is to be found wherever these
callings are pursued by a distinct class of men, whatever
may be their religion, language, or national habits. The
peripatetics of Melbourne, except perhaps the coster
mongers, are precisely the same in their own branches as
the peripatetics in every other part of the world, and the
same applies to those who are not peripatetic in thefr
businesses. The same tastes, the same ideas and manners,
and the same expression of countenance may be seen in
all. The tinker of Melbourne might be suddenly dropped
in the middle of London, and no one but himself would
know he was not in his right place.
Let those whose recollection of home is still vivid com
pare the people they see here with those they remember
in the same line there, and they will see the correctness
of pur assertipn. The man whp asks them if they have
any knives er scissprs to grind, and the vendor of clothes-
props, they will recognise as the twin brothers ofthe men
who used to solicit their custom in the same interests in
London. Their butcher and baker will also remind
them of the ones they left at the Antipodes,' and so will
the lawyer, and doctor, if they have ever had the mis
fortune to need their help.

Tinkers, 207
In all communities, tinkers have been regarded as use
ful members of society, as far as their avocation goes, but
not very desirable as a " set " for polite people to mix with.
" The knife-grinder " of Teniers, as a work of art, was
highly-esteemed, and fetched a great price, probably ten
times more than the original would have brought if he
had been put up for sale. But, however picturesque the
rags and dirt of these men may appear when represented
on canvas, actual contact with the living models is not
pleasant, especially for those whose sense of smell is un-
impafred ; and although there are hundreds who would
give more than its weight in gold for the knife-grinder
as Teniers left him, it is ^doubtful if one of them would
for a moment tolerate his presence on their carpets if he
were stUl in the fle.sh.
The term " tinker " was at one time only applied to
those who wrought in " tin," and mended saucepans and
tin kettles, or anything else made of that metal. It is
now extended to knife and scissor-grinders, umbrella-
menders, and even to some legislators, although these
latter are not peripatetic.
A hple is sometimes found in the cpnstitutipn, pr a leak
discpvered in an Act of Parliament, that requires the
immediate attentipn pf thpse whpse duty it is tp keep
things in prpper prder.
When a tinker is pffered a saucepan tc mend, which he
thinks is net wprth mending, er cpnsiders too old-fashioned
for modem use, he will undertake the job certainly, if you
pay him, but in stopping up one hole he will so arrange
matters that another wUl break out somewhere else before
very long, so that either he or the next tinker that comes
that way may be called in to doctor it up again.
It is just the same with legislative tinkers. When it
has been seen that an Act of Parliament will -not hold
water, there is a general " pow-wow " as to what is to be
done to mend it. If the tinkers are in the majority, they
patch it up, usuaUy with a similar result to the one just
mentioned in connection with the saucepan ; although it is
not hinted that they wilfully scrape a place nearly through
the bottom with a view to another job, yet they simply
bungle what they have to do, and that has pretty much
the same effect. When the laisser faire party are in the
majority, it is not meddled with, in the hope that the leak

208 Lights and Shadows of Melbourne Life.
will stop itself, or that it may never be wanted again; or
that it is not of sufficient consequence for them to put
themselves to any inconvenience on its account, or some
other reason equally eegent is assigned why they shpuld
do nothing to it. But no one ever thinks of replacing it
by a new one, and the consequence is that every now
and then there is a great hubbub on account of the mess
made by this leaky Act of Parliament.
In comparing some legislators -with the knights of the
spldering-irpn, np disrespect is meant tp the latter, whp
dp their work well enough for the pay they get for it,
and there can be no doubt if they were formed into a
chamber, and contracted with for three hundred a year
each to keep the tin-kettles of the Colony in order, they
would do it effectually, and enjoy their beer afterwards
with the proud consciousness that it had been bought
with money honestly come by.
Some legislators may think they earn what they get as
payment for their services, and perhaps they do, as a man
is always the best judge of his own value ; but there are
many who hold a contrary opinion, and among these may
be included the peripatetic tinkers, to a man. It hardly
harmonises with their ideas of the fitness of things that
some men should get three hundred a year for sitting in
a ccmfortable room for a few hours three days a week,
Only to amuse themselves in passing compliments upon
each other's personal looks, or in congratulating one another
upon their reputations for veracity, while others have to
pull a truck about the streets all day for a few shilUngs.
Every man thinks his own particular business is as
honourable in itself, and as necessary to the community,
as anyone else's, and that it ought to be as well paid ; and
the tinkers in metal, believing as they do, that it is far
more 'difficult to make a tin-kettle than it is to manu
facture an Act of Parliament, are at a loss to understand
why they should only get. about fifty pounds in the
course of the year fpr dping the pne, while the tinkers in
legislatipn get three hundred pounds for dping the ether.
But they pught npt tp overlopk the fact that it requires
an intelligence pf higher order to make an Act of Parlia
ment than it does to fabricate a tea-kettle, the two things
being totally distinct, though both are supposed to be
able to hold water.

Tinkers. 209
But that is precisely what they do overlook. They
consider that the highest point to which human ingenuity
can attain is reached in the making of a tea-kettle, com
pared with which the making of an Act of Parliament is
as nothing, and that is the reason they hold such a poor
opinion of our legislators, who, though they can make
any number of Acts of Parliament, know nothing whatever
about making tea-kettles.
Tinkering is usually followed at home by gipsies in the
country places, and by the " house-dweller " in and
around London. These latter mostly dwell in Kent
Street, or the Mint in the Borough. Some few affect
Whitechapel and St. Giles, or the lowest quarters of
Westminster, but the Surrey side is the part of the
metropoUs they favour most.
As the " Eomany," as the gipsy is called, has not yet
pitched his tent in Australia, the business is left entirely
in the hands of our own people, many of whom followed
the same occupation at home, and having been compelled
to pay a visit -to one or other of these colonies in the early
days, they resumed their old trade as soon as they had
the chance.
Some years ago, when there was less competition, and
prices ranged higher than they do at present, the business
was a highly lucrative one. An umbrella -mender, or
scissors-grinder, or saucepan-patcher, thought nothing of
earning a pound a day, now if he can eam five shillings
in the same time he thinks he has done remarkably weU,
and often he has to travel about from moming till night
without being able to earn more than half that sum.
Some have their workshops dra-wn about by ponies, or
donkeys, but these are the great men of the fraternity,
who can sit and ride while their less fortunate brethren
are compelled to push their machines before them as they
trudge along the dirty roads. Those of the equestrian
order do much better than the others, because they can
take a wider circuit, and visit the more distant suburbs,
where many jobs are to be picked up, and for which they
get better prices than are to be obtained in town, where
the competition is keener. Those of a lower grade, who
only go in for mending saucepans, or umbrellas, carry the
appliances for the work tied up in a bundle at their backs.
These men confine themselves to the city and its im-

210 Lights and Shadoivs of Melbourne Life.
mediate environs, and are the least important of the
tinker brotherhood. They make their home at the six
penny lodging houses, where they may be seen sitting on
the doorstep, or on the kerbstone, when not out at
business, or soaking in one of the taps that are generally
so convenient to those places. '
The dispositions and habits of these men would have
to undergo considerable tinkering before they could be
Jiointed to as models for the guidance of others. In no
country in the world do they stand very high in public
estimation ; nor are they famed for sobriety, but here
they are if possible worse than elsewhere. "Whether it
be owing to the climate, or to the colonial beer they
take so much of, or both combined, we are unable to say,
but it is certain there is much about them that stands in
need of improvement.
All are not included in that sweeping denunciation,
however, for we know one or two decent fellows among
them who are sober and industrious, and who try to live
respectably. One turned teetotaUer, and kept it up for
six months, at the end of which time, to use his o-wn
words, he found himself- beginning to get very weak, so
much so, that he had to place himself under the doctor's
hands. While a teetotaller, he saved some money, which
was speedily swaUowed up by the doctor's bUls, which
left him, in a pecuniary sense, no better off than he would
have been had he not taken the pledge. Such being the
case, one need not be surprised that he failed to see in
what way his self-denial had benefited him ; for, as he
naively observed, it is no use saving money by tee-
totallism if you have to give it to the doctor afterwards.
Thu.9, the matter resolved itself into the simple question
of whether he should go back to the publican or remain
under the care of the doctor, and as he much preferred
beer to physic, both ou account of its being more agree
able as a beverage and not so expensive, he was not long
in making his mind up which it should be, and the doctor
knew him no more.
Most of the peripatetic umbrella-menders are old men
who have been at the business for years — in fact, so long
that they have become quite unfitted for any other occu
pation, even if they felt disposed to try it. In the grand
old times, when plenty of money was to be made, they

Tinkers. 211
lived very jolly lives. But now that things are so bad
that they can scarcely make beer, they take a very
desponding view of matters in general, and are rather
given to prophesying the speedy collapse of the Colony.
They are great politicians in their way, and hold very
decided opinions upon whatever subject they give their
attention to ; and are, to a man, anti-immigrationists.
They look upon an influx of population in much the
same Ught one would the importation of the cholera, or
the sudden invasion of a hostile army.
A new chum in their eyes is the incarnation of all
that's evil, because, as they say, men who come here
and, by overstocking the labour market, take the bread —
or beer — out of other men's mouths, must be so radically
depraved that hanging is too good for them, and it's a
pity Government does not tie them in sacks and drop
them into the bay as fast as they arrive.
We overheard the foUovring conversation between two
men connected with the tinkering interest, who were
boozing in one of the threepenny taps. We will translate
what was said into readable English, leaving the ex
pletives to the imagination of those who may take the
trouble to read what we have written.
One, who had arrived from New Zealand the day before,
was giving an account of the unflourishing state of the
" trade " in that Colony, and how much it was overdone,
and the difficulty there was in getting a crust at it in
consequence. He also stated that, as he could not live
there, he determined to clear out and try his luck in
Victcria as soon as he had saved up sufficient money to
pay his passage across.
When he had got so far, the other, who had been
Ippking at him from the beginning with glittering eyes,
asked him in a neatly-turned sentence, if he thought i'l
was right to come here and rob ppor fellows of their
¦work. Fellows was not the word used, but it wiU do.
The new arrival opined he had as much right here as
anyone else. The other thought not, and gave him to
understand that as they had made the country, they were
not going to let others step in and reap the beneflt. The
new chum asked him what lie had done towards making
the country. At that impertinent question tho old one
waxed wroth, and inquired what it was to do with him,
p 2

212 Lights and Shadows of Melbourne Life.
but if he particularly wished to know, and would step
putside, he wpuld very spon let him see. The curipsity
of the New Zealander was not sufficiently excited to
induce him to go outside, and he said so, at the same
time advising the angry one not to make a fool of himself.
Instead of being thankful for that piece of good advice,
he taunted the other with being a " new chum." That
was rather too personal to be pleasant, and the new
arrival retorted by saying he was not the only one
guilty of new chumism, as his accuser must have been
pne himself at seme time or other, unless he happened to
be an " old lag," and that was not much better. The
barman here read the' " riot act," or there is no saying
what might not have been the result of this Uttle
episode. One of our tinker friends came up to us one night, and,
in very lugubrious though half angry tones, told us he
had that morning seen a shipload of immigrants arrive at
Port Melbourne, and that he had only taken eighteen
pence all day. Although we failed to see any connecticn
between the twp circumstances, we plainly perceived they
were in seme way asspciated in his mind as cause and
eff'ect. We tried tp console him by telling him that,
according to the doctrine of probabUities, the greater the
number of persons in a given place, the greater would be
the number of broken umbrellas ; consequently, ther©
would be a greater demand for his services to mend them.
" Don't you believe it," he answered, " for the people
who can mend them increase a jolly sight faster than
they do who break them."

( 213 )

WATEECEESS MEN.
Prevention, they say, is better than cure, and it is as
true as any pf the very wise sayings pur ancesters have
handed dpvm tp us. The principle applies to all things,
for all things are liable to get out of gear if they are not
properly attended to. It is better to prevent crime than
tp punish it, and much better to avoid sickness than to
have to cure it afterwards.
The power of seeing into the future has been very
wisely withheld from mankind, or the knowledge of what
we had to suffer — ^some lingering disease, pr the loss of
some one dear to us — would spoil our enjoyment of the
blessings we may happen to have at present, and make
us miserable in anticipation of the coming woe. And
those for whom fate had nothing but blessings in store
would be anxious and impatient -for the time to come
when they might enter upon the enjoyment of them.
StUl, a little knowledge of the future would, no doubt, be
of advantage, by enabling us to guard against preventable
mishaps ; but, although we can have no intuitive insight
into it, we can, if we choose, learn something of it by
studying the past, for all ought to know that, what has
happened once ¦will, under a similar set of circumstances,
occur again.
There are few who do not, from their own experience
or from that of others, know what momentous results
sometimes spring from the merest trifles, for the com
mission or omission of something of no apparent conse
quence will influence, for good or evil, a man's whole
future life ; and when it is done, he sees how easily it
might have been different. We make a bad move at
chess, through which our pieces get into irretrievable
disorder, and we lose the game. We see at once if we
had not made that move, we should have been all right ;
so, taught by experience, we avoid it for the future.-

214 Lights and Shadows of Melbourne Life.
It is just the same in the more serious game of life.
We know what we suffer, but we do not always know
what we escape. We take a walk in a certain direction,
and while there meet with an accident, or do something
that entails serious consequences upon us. We know
perfectly well if, instead of going in that particular
direction, we had taken another, we should have escaped
those troubles, but we should not have known it, and,
consequently, have had nothing to feel thankful for.
In matters relating to our health, we are also greatly
dependent upon trifles. Half the ills that affiict humanity
are preventable, and would never be heard of if people
would only adopt a judicious regimen, but they will not,
and they suffer accordingly. The artificial lives we lead
render a change of diet absolutely necessary if we would
keep in perfect health; yet people cannot, or wiU not,
recognise that important fact. They get into . a dietary
groove, and keep to it as though they thought the human
stomach was a mere machine for converting into tissue
the same food from year's end to year's end. The con
sequence is their mental and physical ppwers beccme
weakened, and they gradually settle dpwn intp their
graves, pr becpme dyspeptic misanthropes.
When a man is suffering from the bile, pr spme ether
derangement ef the system, he knpws he has taken seme-
thing that disagrees with him, and is only paying the
penalty of it. As Ipng as the sickness lasts, he resplves
to have a change of diet altogether, but when he gets
well^ike a certain nameless personage, who, when he
was ill, promised to become a saint, but who on recovery,
resumed his old habits — he re-enters the old groove, and
keeps on till he is sick again.
When Bibo wakes in the morning and finds his ideas
rather confused, and his thinking powers not exactly in
working order, he knows pretty well what to ascribe it
to, and fully recognises the wisdom of the saying that
heads this paper, and resolves to act upon it in the future.
In the meantime, however, acting upon the homoeopathic
principle that a hair of the dpg that bit ypu will cure the
bite, he takes as a " pick-me-up " a glass pf what he had
tpp many of the night before, feels better, and then
quietly forgets all about it.
Many complaints arise, not from having taken some-

Watercress 3Ien. 215

thing that has disagreed with you, but through not
having taken what would have prevented them.
The blood of the human system requires purifying, cr
it wiU become stagnant and impure, Uke water in a
shaUpw ppnd. Those means of purification have been
placed within our reach by a bountiful Providence, and
if we do not avail ourselves pf them we suffer for it.
Watercresses are one of these means, and if a pennywprth
wUl keep us off the doctor's list, would it not be unwise
on our part not to invest that sum in them ? They are
valuable as antiscorbutics. They purify the blood, and
the blood is the life of our bodies. If the blppd be pure,
all is well. If not, misery and disease follow as surely as
the thunder-clap does the lightning-flash.
Watercresses are not so plentiful here as they are in
London, where they are sent every market moming in
immense quantities from different parts pf the country,
to be sold to the retail dealers like other vegetables.
Here the supply is obtained in a different way, although
some is brought to market, and bought up by the shop
keepers, and by others for their own consumption. The
hawkers obtain watercress from the different swamps and
creeks round about Melbourne, -vyhere it grows somewhat
abundantly, and may be gathered by all who choose to
go for it.
In London the watercress business is mostly in th©
hands of women and girls, whose shrill cries may be
heard early in the moming, and between dinner and
tea-time in the afternoon, for the Londoner dearly loves
his " cress " with hia bread and butter. There may be a
few men and boys connected with it, but the majority of
¦ the dealers belong to the " sex."
Our watercress men belong to the same class of th©
genus hawker as the " winkle " and cockle men do. They
have the same habits, and live in the same way. Thefr
personal appearance is the same, they are quite as fond of
beer, and are equally partial to rum.
They are not in receipt of very large incomes, although
they carry on their business under favourable circum
stances, since all they need to make a start with is a
basket ; their stock-in-trade, as mentioned above, costs
them nothing but the trouble of gathering ; though that,
in the cold, wet weather, is far from being a pleasant job.

216 Lights and Shadows of Melbourne Idfe,
Then they have to tie them in bundles and hawk them
about till they are sold, bellowing out all the time at the
top of their voices to let people know what a luxury they
have within their reach. Their earnings range from a
shilUng tp half-a-crown a day; and when we consider
what they have to do, that cannot be considered an
extravagant rate of remuneration.
There are not many men engaged in the business- at
present, and the few there are are mostly men who have
been in the Colony many years, but have never held a
very high position in society. Some of them have been
pretty well off in times past, when money was to be
made by means that are not considered quite correct
nowadays. One started the flrst skittle-aUey in Melbpumej and
that was in Little Beurke Street, a shert way up on the
westem side of Elizabeth Street. He afterwards opened
a " three-up " room — that is, a room where gambling was
carried on by tossing with three coppers. A deal of
money may be won or lost at that game, even by going as
low as " three for a half-a-crown," and " two for a shilling,"
which means when three pence are tossed up and they aU
three come down alike, either heads or tails, you win or
lose half-a-crown, according to your call being right or
wrong ; and as two out of the three are botm.d to be the
same, you must win or lose at least a shilling at each
toss. These two " specs " brought him in a considerable
revenue, but, like many more who made money at that
time, he could not keep it, owing to his fondness for
tossing, at which amusement he was singularly unlucky,
frequently losing as much as forty pounds in one day.
But it was not only his bad luck he had to contend -with.
Eivals in business sprang up all round him, as might be
expected, fpr it was npt veryjikely that one man would
be allowed to enjoy, for any length of time, the monopoly
of two such profitable " lays " as skittle-alleys and " three-
up" ropms prpved to be. Although the devotees of those
games increased with the opportunities offered for the
gratification of them, they did not increase fast enough to
keep all in full swing, and soon the starter of the idea
had the pleasure of seeing the people for whose benefit he
had introduced those highly intellectual pastimes, desert

Watercress Men, 217

his premises for those of his rivals, till at length he " lost
the run " of the business altogether, and became poorer
than he was when he first started the enterprise.
Not being very poUshed in manner er pf gentlemanly
exteripr, he ceuld npt embark in any pf the higher
branches of the science of fleecing, so he had to confine
himself to wooing the fickle goddess through the medium
of " three-up " ; but, as her smiles were not so liberally
bestowed as her frowns, emptiness soon became the
normal state of his pockets. From that condition they
have never since recovered, and now, in his old age,
whUe waiting the approach of the "inevitable," he
has no other means of obtaining a crust than by selUng
watercresses. Another of our peripatetics in the same Une, whose
feeble cry, as heard in the streets, teUs us plainly enough
that his interest in watercresses will soon terminate, has
been a genius in his time, and has passed through a rather
chequered career.
He came from the west of England, and was pretty well
known to the inhabitants living within a considerable
radius of his native vUlage. From a very early age he
had noticed that those of his friends who worked hard
had to live hard as well ; in fact, the harder they worked
the poorer they kept. He was a sharp lad, and had leamed
to read, and his reading soon taught him that there were
two classes in society — those who worked and those who
didn't, and that, as a rule, the non-workers were infinitely
better off than the workers, which he thought was rather
strange. He also read about the "dignity of labour," and
wondered what it meant, for, with him, labour and
poverty were synonymous terms, and judging from those
he saw around him, he could not believe in the possibiUty
of dignity and poverty being united in the same person.
Whatever compensatory consolation in the shape of
dignity hard work had for those who took kindly to it,
it was not, in his opinion, nearly so good as the more
tangible cpnsideratipn pf hard cash, and as there was so
little of that to be obtained by working, he resolved to
avoid it altogether, and enjoy the ease of a far niente life,
leaving the dignity for those workers who were satisfied
with it.

218 Lights and Shadows of Melbourne Life.
One night, when he was about fifteen years of age, he
snared a couple of hares, and sold them the next morning
to an innkeeper for five shillings. At that time his father
was earning two shillings per day as a labourer, and he
felt so pleased at being able to eam more than twice as
much in one night than his father could in a day, that h©
went to him, and, with a feeling of pride, told him what
he had done, and offered him the five shillings. To his
intense astonishment, to say nothing of pain and grief, his
father, instead pf embracing him, tied him up, and gave
him a most unmerciful beating, and kept him all that day
without anything to eat. Early the next morni"ng, before
going to work, pater gave the lad a severe lecture on
conduct in general, and poaching in particular. Being
hungi-y and sore, the boy's mind was at that moment in a
highly favourable state for receiving impressions, and h©
gave the author of his being to understand that he began
to look upon snaring hares as highly immoral, and that he.
would do so no more. On that understanding he was
again received into favour.
Although his father had convinced him of the im
propriety of snaring hares, his opinion in regard to work
had undergone no modification whatever, but had become,
if possible, more decided on the matter than before. As
there were plenty of other ways of getting money without
being under the disagreeable necessity of having to wprk
fpr it beside poaching, it was not very long before h©
©mbarked in an enterprise of a different nature ; but, being
taught by experience, he was particularly careful not to
let his father know what that enterprise was, lest he
should approve of it as little as he had done of his mod©
of catching hares.
One night, as he was walking along the main thorough
fare with a bundle under his arm, he had the misfprtune
to meet the village constable, who, being - rather in
quisitive, asked him what he had tied up in his pocket-
handkerchief. Instead of giving a plausible and straight
forward answer, he dropped his load and took tp his
heels, but was quickly overtaken and locked up. Upon
examination, the bundle was found to contain some
articles that had been stolen the previous night from a
gentleman's house in the neighbourhood. At his trial he
faUed to satisfy the jury that he had picked the things. up

Watercress Men. 219

by the roadside, and as the judge could not tic him up and
flog him as his father had done, he ordered him a change
of locality instead, in the hcpe that during the next seven
years he might acquire a taste for werk.
On arriving at this side ef the glebe, it appeared as
though the judge's hopes were about to be justified, for
although he would not work when free, he laboured so
weU in bondage that, at the end of two years, he received
a conditional pardon. Things went on pretty well till
his restricted Uberty was made absolute, when his old
disUke to work returned with tenfold intensity, and
before very long he again got within the clutch of the
law. Eeleased once more, it occurred to him that the air
round about Sydney was not good for him, so he made up
his mind to come to Port Phillip for a change. That was
thirty-eight years ago. The change was not much to
his advantage, nor to the Melbourne people's either, for
it was .very soon perceived that the local " appropriators "
had had fresh blood infused into them by arrivals from
the " Sydney side." The police had a shrewd suspicion
that our friend was not far off, and they kept such a sharp
look-out for him that it was not long before he found his
way into the " stockade."
He was out again on the breaking out of the gold fever,
and it is supposed he had a finger in the Eureka pie, from
which, however, he was able to withdraw without getting
into further trouble. At digging he was pretty fortunate,
and might have done well if he could have kept steady ;
but the possession of gold only had the effect of adding
gambling and drinking to his other qualities, and they
speedUy altered his position for the worse. As years
went by, drink and exposure beg.an to tell upon his
constitution, and he became too feeble to dig, and not
active enough to thieve, and- now his only resource is —
watercresses. It was from himself we received the above biographical
sketch ; and when he had finished, we asked him what
became of the five shillings he received for the two hares.
He said he couldn't tell, but he noticed the next day his
mother had a new pair of boots on.
It is fortunate that such men as these are able to get
some sort of a living for themselves, instead of being a

220 Lights and Shadows qf Melbourne Life.
burden on the State, as they undoubtedly would be if
there was nothing left for them to do but work, which, in
their case, is simply impossible ; and as they could not be
allowed to die of starvation in the streets. Immigrants'
Homes and Benevolent Asylums would have to be multi
plied exceedingly. ,

( 221 )

THE PEEIWINKLE MAN.
The " winkle," as an article pf fppd, dpes not rank very
high, certainly ; but, for all that, it is a tasty little thing
when properly cooked, and is much admired by the
working classes. It is a small mollusc of the Gasteropod
order — that is, it uses its stomach as its feet whenever it
wants to change its locality.
There is nothing that ' lives and moves and hath its
being,' whether it walks erect as a man, files in the air,
or crawls on its belly as the worm, that omnivorous man
does not eat.
The Englishman glories in his roast beef, and believes
in his mutton. These he looks upon as the foundation
upon which the British stamina is built. He is partial
to venison, and does not object to pork. He can also
make a hearty meal off a hare or rabbit, but there his
liking fpr the quadrupedal prder pf nature ends. He has
net yet taken to hippophagy, or developed a taste for cats,
dogs, or rats. Where John Bull leaves off, John Chinaman,
less fastidious or more frugal, takes up the running, and
looks upon cats, dogs, and rats as important items in his
culinary arrangements.
In bipedal food, the Briton confines himself to the fowls
of the air, and leaves the consumption of his o-wn species
to the Solomon Islander, That simple child of nature
knows nothing about man's mission on earth; he only
regards him as spmething gepd to eat, and thinks it would
be the height of folly to dispose of his "remains" by
sepulture or cremation when they can be so easily re
converted into living tissue.
Of fishes, John Bull eats all he can catch, except the
shark and whale. These he only dines off in extreme
cases, such as shipwreck ; but an Esquimaux looks upon
a stranded whale as a godsend, and wiU devour twenty or
thirty ppunds pf putrid blubber per diem.

222 Lights and Shadows of Melbourne Life.
The few men' who go about Melbourne selling winkles
belong to the loafer class, and are mostly old men. As a
rule, they patronise the sixpenny ledging-hpuse, when
they save the wherewithal to pay for the bed ; when they
haven't, they "doss it " where they can, which is usually
in an eld bpiler or empty malt-tank in winter, and sub
Jove in summer.
At one time these men could fill their baskets at
Williamstown or St. Kilda, but fbr the last few years
they have been rather scarce in those localities, owing
to tho number of excursionists who, when there, make
" winkle-hunting " part of the day's amusement. Conse
quently, those -vriio want them for sale have to look
elsewhere for them.
It is but a hard and precarious living the " -winklers "
get at the best. With basket on arm, they trudge along
the road in all weathers to the few remaining spots where
the tiny molluscs are yet to be found. Sometimes they
are so fortunate as to. be able to fill their baskets at
Brighton, but frequently they have to go as far as
Morehalloe, and sometimes further than that. Leaving
town early in the moming, they may be able to get to
Brighton, fill their baskets, and return to Melbourne in
time to sell them the same night. If, however, they have
to go beyond the latter-named place, all they can do is
get there in one day and return the next.
It would be a weary walk for these elderly gentlemen
if they could not get an occasional lift on the road. But,
fortunately for them, there are plenty of carts or empty
drays going the same way as themselves, the drivers of
which will always give them a ride, if civUly asked for
permission to "jump up."
The winkles are found loose among the gravel or sand
upon the beach in greater or lesser quantities, more
frequently the lesser. They also hide themselves in tho
friendly shadow of the loose boulders lying about, which
have to be removed before the searcher can reach his prey,
often not an easy task for men whose muscles have become
softened, and whose strength has been sapped by a per
petual soaking in " colonial."
Having filled his basket, which, by the way, is no Ught
load, our winkle man gets on the "back track," as he
calls it. Having arrived in town, he goes to the place he

The Periwinkle Man. 223
stays at, and begins to prepare his stock for the market.
The first process the vrinkles undergo is washing — a very
necessary operation, as the sand clings to them with great
tenacity, and can only be removed by repeated rinsings
under the tap. Having washed them to his satisfaction,
the next thing our friend has to do is to boil them, and a
few minutes suffices for that, if he can get anything to
boil them in. The cuUnary arrangements of these six
penny lodging-houses are not always pf the most perfect
description. Neither does the manager or chucker-out
consider it part of his duty to provide boilers for cooking
winkles in, as the only recognised cooking in these
establishments is the preparation of whatever smaU
articles of food the lodgers may bring in, and for that
a saucepan and gridirpn are at their service. Shculd the
saucepan be engaged at the time the winkle man wants
tp cpok his winkles, he berrpws a biUy, and does as many
as it will hold, and repeats the operation till the whole
are cooked.
.Having prepared his stock for sale, all that remains for
him to do now is to sell it, and before he can do that he
has to travel up one street and down another for many
weary miles in search of customers. The great bulk of
his patrons are to be found in hotels, among the half-
drunken people lounging about the bars, whose appetites
being spmewhat palled by drink, are tickled by these
tasty Uttle things, and restpred to their nermal cpnditipn.
Many people, especially new arrivals, like them with
their bread and butter at tea-time. Others are fond of
them, but cannot command sufficient patience to extract
them from their shells ; and some " can't a-bear " them
on account of their strong resemblance to snails.
If pur friend can get back tp tpwn with a peck pf
vrinkles he considers himself very fortunate. Mostly,
however, he has to content himself -with about half that
quantity, which being sold at threepence the half-pint
leaves him something like four shilUngs for his trouble,
and as it sometimes takes him two days to gather and
seU them, it cannot be said his business is a lucrative
one. The possession of money is not always an unmixed
blessing. Strange as it may sound, people sometimes
have more money than is good fpr them, that is, when

224 Lights and Shadows of Melbourne Life.
they make an injiidicious use of it. It is much better
for our friend that his income is limited to about two
shillings a day, as out of that he must pay for a bed,
and at least one meal, Sunday included, and that vrill
not leave him sufficient for a very extended " drunk,"
whereas, if he had more he would never be sober. He
is tolerably contented, however, and accepts his position
with great philosophy, saying, " If I cannot get drunk
every day, I will as often as I can." In carrying out
that resolve, he hangs about his favourite tap till all his
money is gone, then he and his basket disappear till the
following evening, when there are other rinsings and
another boiling, soon after which the streets are again
resonant with " Periwinkle."
The individual in the winkle interest who forms the
ground-work of this paper knows nothing of earthly
care, and is as free from earthly goods as Diogenes was of
old. The cynic had but what he stood upright in and a
lantern. Our peripatetic has only the clothes on his
back and a basket, and that basket is as necessary to him
in seeking a living as the lantern was to the Greek in
his search for an honest man.
Nor would it be wise on our winkle man's part to have,
more clothes or other property than he could carry about
with him, as any surplusage would be sure to disappear
the moment it was out of his sight. We have jus-t said
our friend was tolerably contented and free from care ;
but most men wish for something they have not, and he is
no exception to the rule. He has an ambition, but that
ambition only extends to the laudable desire of being the
possessor of two shirts. The laundry arrangements of
these sixpenny lodging-houses are not very complete, and
he sometimes finds it difficult to get the only shirt he has
washed, whereas if he had two he cculd have pne off and
one on ; the " off " one being in readiness to replace the
other when a change was deemed necessary. A month
he thinks is quite long enough for any man to wear a
shirt withput its being washed, and perhaps it is ; but,
judging by the hue pf the little we cpuld see pf the pne
he then were, we incline to the belief that he had not
made the monthly change of linen a hard and fast rule.
It was not altogether his inability to get an extra
shirt that kept him from it, but the fear of not being

The Petiwinkle Man. 225

able to keep it after he had gone to the expense of
getting it.
" I would get another one somehow," he said to us one
day, "if I'd only a place to hide it in when I'm not
wearing it; but what's the use of a poor man Uke me
buying a shirt for another cove tp wear ? "
We were quite prepared tp admit that in the great
prpbabUity pf such being the case, the dupUcatipn would
npt have been a wise act, but we suggested that as he
had several relatives living net far pff, he might leave
the spare shirt ¦vrith ene of them till he wanted it, when
Le would not only take care of it, but lend him a Uttle
money into the bargain.
" No fear," he exclaimed. " If I was to try to pawn a
shirt, the pawnbroker would think I'd stolen it, and very
likely send for a " slop " (policeman) and give me in
charge. Besides, it might be six months before I'd be
able to get it out again, and I might just as well be
without it as not be able to get it when I wanted it."
Accepting that common-sense view of affairs, we ex
pressed a vrish to know how he managed to get the only
shfrt he had washed. He was his own laundress, and
washed it as often as he thought requisite. In winter it
underwent the cleansing process in a bucket under the
tap in the back yard, and afterwards held before the
kitchen fire till dry enough to put on. Sunday morning
used to be his favourite washing time, but in consequence
of a fight taking place in the kitchen during the drying
process, the chucker-out determined that for the future,
that day, as far as the laundry business went, should be
kept holy.
It so happened that an umbrella-mender, who was
staying there, tpok it into his head that his shirt would
be all the better for a wash. Unfortunately the idea
occurred to him on the same morning a similar idea had
taken pessessien of our winkle man. Things went on
amicably enough till they brought their clothes into the
kitchen to dry, when it was soon discovered that there
was barely room for two men to hold their shirts in front
of the fire, and aUow half a dozen others to prepare their
breakfasts at the same time. The consequence was a deal
of grumbling, accompainied by many forcible adjectives,
took place among them. From grumbling they got to
Q

226 Lights and Shadows of Melbourne Idfe.
pushing, and that ended in a general all round fight.
The clatter soon brought the chucker-out on to the scene,
and from the prompt way in which he quelled the riot,
he proved beyond a doubt that he was the "right man in
the right place."
In summer when the weather was hot, our friend used
to go to the banks of the Yarra, between the Falls and
Prince's bridges, and having washed his shirt in the
stream, would spread it out on the banks for the sun to
dry it. While the drying was going on, he usuaUy lay
down to have a nap, till one day, on awaking, he found
his shirt had disappeared. He never knew if it had been
blown into the river, or whether it had been stolen by
some loafer who had thought it a favourable opportunity
of ge-tting a change of Unen, He inclined to the former
belief, because, as he observed,, the shirt was in such a
dilapidated, state that any loafer must be hard up
indeed who would think it worth the trouble of walking
off with. Ever after that, he said, he always took the
precaution of going to sleep with one eye open till the
garment ¦was sufficiently desiccated to be resumed,
"When washing day came round he used to go to the
Public Library and take a piece of soap out of the
lavatory in the full belief that he had a perfect right to
do so, and when we informed him he had committed a
larceny for which he was liable to imprisonment, he was
not only greatly surprised, but highly indignant as weU.
"Wasn't it bought with the public money? " he asked,
" and put there for the public use, and haven't I, as one
of the public, as much right to it as anyone else ? "
" Of course you have, but you must go there to use it."
"They wouldn't let me wash my shirt there, would
they?" "Not if they knew it."
" Well then, what benefit is the soap to me if I can't
take it to where I can do my washing ? "
" My good fellow, you must understand the trustees do
not find soap for washing shirts, either there or anywhere
else. It is placed in the lavatory for the use of those
visitors who want to wash their hands before they handle
the books, and you may go there and use it as often as
you like and as much as you like."
" But if I have the right to use the soap at aU, what

The Periwinkle Man. 227
difference can it make whether I use it inside the build
ing or outside ? "
" None whatever, as far as the soap is concerned, but
the law says you must not take it away."
" The law be hanged. Eight's right, and wrong's no
man's right."
Although we could not dispute the correctness of the
latter sentence, we failed to see in what way it justified
his purloining the soap ; but as we saw there was no,
probability of bringing him over to our way of thinking,
we changed the subject.
One evening we met our winkle merchant as he was
going his rounds, and, somewhat to our astonishment, we
saw he had a clean face, or rather, it was not in its
normal state of dirt. We also noticed there was a look of
sorrow mingled -with disgust upon it, that convinced us
something had gone wrong. On enquiring what it was,
he told us, in his p-wn quaint fashipn, hpw pne night he
had been served a trick that nearly broke his heart and
kept him sober for weU-nigh a week. That accounted
for the unwonted cleanness of his face. That was about
nine days before our meeting, and he had not then
recovered from the effects of what he called " that cruel
blow," He started off early one morning to get his winkles,
when he was fortunate enough to get a lift in one of the
fish carts as far as Mordiallpe, and that took him to the
end of his journey. Having gathered his molluscs, he
started on the homeward track, and luckily got anpther
ride that tpok him to Windsor, which enabled him to get
home and have his winkles cooked by five o'clock that
evening. There had been a fierce hot wind blowing all
day, and he had had nothing but Yan Yean to quench
his thfrst with, so it may be easily imagined he was in
prim© fettle for a svrig of his favourite beverage as soon
as business placed the means of getting it -within his
reach. He had not been in the street long before he sold half
a pint of winkles, the three pence for which he quickly
exchanged for a pint of beer. That disappeared with no
other effect than an increase of thirst and a craring for
more. Shortly after that another stroke of business
placed the price of another pint at his command, and
Q 2

228 Lights and Shadows of Melbourne Life.
that too was speedily "liquidated." If he had stopped
there all might have been well. Instead of that, however,
he kept ou spending the money as fast as he got it, till at
length the fumes of the beer he had taken so much of on an
empty stomach mounted to his brain, and the use of his
legs and the cpnscipusness pf his whereabeuts left him at
the same moment.
In the same tap, which was not far from where our
friend lodged, several of his feUow lodgers, also suffering
from the hot wind and sun, were discussing various
knotty points and trying to keep their throats moist at
the same time. These men were not so far " gone " as
not to be able to help a brother in distress, so two of them
picked up their insensible chum, and carried him off to
bed, while a third followed after with the basket of
winkles. As we -have hinted before, some of the habitues] oi these
padding kens have rather lax notions as to a man's right
to his own pioperty, especially when that property
consists of anything they fancy they should Uke, so on©
need not be surprised at their appropriating the drunken
man's winkles. As soon as they had placed their burden
upon his bed, the three men, each armed -with a pin, fell
upon the winkles with a vigour that augured weU for
their speedy conversion into a basket of empty shells.
They had not been at it long when three other half-
drunken loafers staggered into the room to go to bed,
there being accommodation in this apartment for eight.'
The new arrivals seeing how the case stood, provided
themselves with pins, and joined in the attack upon the
molluscs with a determination quite equal to that dis
played by the others. By the united efforts of these six
men the basket was soon emptied. Then the shells were
gathered up and put into the basket, and the basket and
half-pint measure placed under their owner's stretcher.
After a little mutual congratulation upon each other's
smartness, the six chuckling loafers shook off their
clothes and tumbled into bed and were soon as insensible
to what was passing around them as was the man they
had just robbed.
When our winkle man awoke the next morning, the
first thing he did was to look for his basket, and seeing
the shells in it, he concluded it was all right. His name

The Periwinkle Man, 229
standing rather high in that establishment, he had no
difficulty in borrowing the wherewith to get a breakfast.
That morning he felt more than usually "seedy,"
and confessed he " didn't feel much like eating." But he
knew he must take something, and he debated within
himself what would be the best thing to coax the appetite
with. After much deliberation, he decided in favour of
a penny roU, a very salt red-herring, and a pint of beer.
After partaking of that luxurious meal, which he enjoyed
immensely, he picked up his basket and went on his
round. The first customer he served soon called him back,
and asked him what he meant by selling him a lot of
empty shells. The poor fellow, conscipus of his own
integrity, was rather staggered by the question, and
tried to account for it by saying that, perhaps, it was
only the first one or two he had picked up -that were
empty ; but when he saw they were all alike, he
tumed his attention to those in his basket, and finding
they were empty also, his emotion became of the live
liest. He understood it all in a moment, and giving the
customer his money back, he returned to the lodging-house
to find out, if possible, who they were who had robbed
him. Of course no one there knew anything about it,
and as it would hardly have been right to immolate the
whole of the lodgers in order to make sure of the guilty
ones, he relieved his mind by the discharge of a few score
of paths, and submitted tp it with the best grace he
cpuld.

230 Lights and Shadows of Melbou/rne Life.

THE CLOTHES-PEOP VENDOE.
Cleanliness, we are told, is next to gpdliness. If that be
SP, the CPU verse must held gppd, when it would appear
that dirtiness and ungodliness are in close alliance. But
so far from that being the case, we hear of men — some of
the old monks and hermits for instance — whpse dislike
to soap and water, or whatever the detergent of the
middle ages may have been, was quite as great as their
hatred of the devil. When these godly men spught to
prppitiate heaven by denning a shirt made pf hprse-hair,
they must have stppd very much in need of a change,
after having worn the same one for a number of years
withput its ever having passed threugh the hands pf th©
laundress. At least, we are newhere told they ever pos
sessed two shirts, so that one might be purified whUe the
other was_ mortifying the flesh.
Neither are we led tp supppse they did what many a
clever man who only ppssessed one shirt has had to do
in pur own time — lie in bed while it was being washed.
It is just possible these old penitents did not believe in
the existence of what they couldn't see, for the horse-hair
being dark, and the dirt of the same tint, it would not be
readily perceived by the eye. But one would suppose
the nose would become alive to it, unless it had lost its
functions through constant association with frouziness.
However it might have been in thefr own cases, a
stranger on approaching them would speedily have
detected the necessity for a change of some sort.
Neither is cleanliness, the, old saw to the contrary not
withstanding, always a sure sign of godliness, for there
are some people who are very clean in their persons, but
extremely ungodly in their lives. Although cleanliness
and godliness are not always associated, it is just possible

The Clothes-prop Vendor. 231
that the former may lead tp the latter, as when a man is
clean he is ccmfpitable — at least, seme are — and when
he's in that state, the mind is more open te divine truths
than it is when he's uncomfortable.
It may be asked what has all that to do with the
clothes-prop man. The answer is, everything. Now, to
make a subject intelligible, one must approach men's
understandings in much the -same way one would advance
upon an enemy's lines — by degrees. A raison d'etre must
be given for everything, and in erder tp intrpduce pur
clothes-prop man, we must first show that laundresses are
necessary. Everyone knows that after clothes are washed
they must be dried, to effect which a clothes-prop is
indispensable, to give the things the full benefit of the
breeze and keep them from trailing on the ground.
The clothes-prop business, as far as its slackness or
briskness is concerned, is regulated entirely by the state
of the marriage market. The connection of the two may
npt, at first sight, be pbvipus ; but that it is sp can be
prpved beyond a doubt. The props are made of a re
markably tough kind of wood, the ti-tree, and when a
lady has provided herself -with as many as she wants, she
wUl need no more, unless the original ones get stolen, or
chopped up for fire-wood, during the whole of her mar
ried Ufe, or until an increase in the family renders an
extension of the laundry operatiens necessary. Thus it
is seen that new preps are enly required by newly-
married ladies, and, pf course, the more there are who
join the holy state, the greater will be the demand for
those useful articles.
One of the first things a young lady thinks of when
she gets married, and moves into a house of her own, is
the. clothes-prop, and she listens for the cry of the vendor
as anxiously as she was wont to do for the sound of her
lover's footsteps in the happy days of their courtship.
Nor has she to wait long for the welcome sound, for the
advent of a clothes-prop man in the neighbourhood of a
newly-married couple is a certainty. Why it is so is
one of the great mysteries of nature we are unable to
fathom. When a camel has dropped dpwn in the desert
to die, the vultures, till then i-nvisible, assemble rpund
the dying brute, and watch with cruel eyes fer the
mpment to cemmence the feast.

232 Lights and Shadows of Melbourne Life,
It must be by a similar instinct that the clothes-prop
man is lead to the neighbourhood of a newly-created
household; for, as vultures are invisible in the desert
skies tUl there is something for them to eat on the sand,
so surely is our friend never seen in localities where there
is no sale for his props.
The demand for props being limited, only a few men
are required for their distribution, and these few have not
a very flourishing time of it. They number, we believe,
all told, about twelve, one or two of whom have a horse
and cart to go about the distant suburbs, while the others
" hump " the props on their shoulders about the outskirts
of the city.
At one time the " sticks," as they are called, could be
obtained in the ti-tree scrub, on the banks of the Yarra,
close to the Williamstown ferry, but the supply from that
quarter has long since given out, and they are now
brought by train from Gippsland. When the men had to
go to the Yarra and cut thefr own sticks, it was no child's
play. In winter, they had to work up to their knees in
mud ; and in summer they had to face countless myriads
of mosquitoes, that bitterly resented any invasion of their
territories. Nine was about the number a man could cut, trim, and
carry into town in one day. There were some who could
manage a dozen, but they had to be strong to do so, as
the ti-tree, when wet, is very heavy. It was wearisome
work trudging along the road with nine or a dozen props
Upon the shoulder, and by the time they were back in
Melbourne, they were too tired to hawk them about the
city and suburbs, so that part of the business had to be
put off till the next day. Thus it took two days to sell
nine props, and as the usual price was ninepence each, it
may be easily understood that these men had not very
rosy times of it.
The social position and habits of these men are much
the same as those of the peripatetics generally. One or
two Uve in a sixpenny lodging-house, and the others are
to be found located in the different rights-of-way in the
city. They are, as a rule, great drinkers, rum being
their favourite tipple, because, they say, it keeps out the
damp. We have the privilege of being on speaking terms with

Tlie Clothes-prop Vendor, 233
one of these men, and when we meet we generally stop
and have a chat on general subjects ; at least such sub
jects as he is best qualified to discourse upon.
The position he holds in his stratum of society enables
him to observe many things that very few in the upper
strata know anything about, and his observations are
characterised by a display of common seiise not always to
be found in the remarks of men who are supposed to possess
a large amount of that article. He is very shrewd, and
has a keen sense of the ridiculous, and has a droll way of
relating whatever he sees and hears. It may seem
strange that one such as we have described this man to
be should hold the low position in society he does. But,
strange as it may appear, it would be stiU more singular,
when his habits are considered, if he held any other.
The rush to the gold-fields in the early, days of our
history brought to our shores a strangely varied assort
ment of the genus homo, each one of whom came in the
fuU expectation of becoming suddenly rich. Some were
successful, while others were not. Among the latter
were noblemen, baronets, and professional men of all
degrees. These unfortunates had to live, and in order to
do that they must work, and to the honour of many of
them be it said, they pocketed their dignities, and doffed
their coats, and went at it. Some cracked stones by the
roadside, others tumed to as bricklaj'ers' labourers, while
the rest earned a crust in the best way they could.
Those of the unlucky ones who had friends at home to
send them the means of getting back soon bade Australia
farewell, and returned to their native land wiser and
perhaps better men. Of the others, not so fortunate, some
eventually did well ; while the others settled down into
"dead-beats," living anyhow and anywhere. Among
these was our friend the prop-man.
At home he had been an articled clerk in a lawyer's
office, where he was Ippked uppn as the ppssesspr pf
average ability, and he might have dene weU had net
the auri sana fames brpught him tp Australia. _ He was pf
a rpring disppsition, and had a lively imagination. Fired
by the reports of the heaps of gold that could be picked
up in Victoria, he thought he might as well come and get
his share as anypne else. He was then eighteen, and after
much persuasipn, he induced pne ef his fellpw clerks to

234 Lights and Shadows of Melbourne Idfe.
join him in the expedition ; and they both ran away from
their articles and came to Melbourne, at least our friend
did ; -the other was buried at sea when the passage was
about half over.
Although this individual does not stand very high,
socially, he is one of the upper ten in his own rank of
life, and, as such, is looked up to by those who are less
intellectually gifted than himself.
Whatever " world " a man belongs to, he will make his
own ppsitipn in it, and find his pwn level. When we say
" wprld," we mean one of the classes into which society
is divided, which classes are subdivided into grades ; and
whenever a man enters one of these classes, he rises or
falls to his own grade, and keeps tp it as naturaUy as a
planet does to its orbit.
Possibly many people will be astonished to hear that,
even among the lowest and most depraved classes, there
is an aristocracy. But it is so, nervertheless ; and the
aristocracy of low life gives the tone to it, just as surely
as that of the upper points out the way things ought to
go there.
In the ranks of crime the burglar is looked up to by
the pickpocket with the same veneration a snobbish
gentleman" bestows upon a lord. But though he con
siders the "cracksman" his superior, his contempt for
the " snowdropper " is as intense as that of the snobbish
gentleman for the artisan,
Lais,- when on her "beat," bedizened in silks and
feathers, would feel greatly insulted if one of her sisters
in a lower grade were tp stpp and address her ; while the
secpnd-class Cyprian wculd never think ef asspciating
with a stiU lower fallen one, whom drink and disease had
robbed of good looks, and whose wardrobe can produce
nothing but rags.
With all that present exclusiveness, however, Lais will
descend in her turn, step by step, to the lowest grade,
when her feathers will be replaced by soiled ribbons, and
her silks give way to rags.
It is the same with the peripatetics. The costermenger
whp owns a barrpw thinks far' more of himself than he
does of the man whose business appliances only extend to
a basket. Those who requfre a little skill to carry on their
occupations, such as tinkers, consider themselves superior

The Clothes-prop Vendor. 235
to those whpse caUing requires no preparatory training,
such as the clothes-prop men ; and these in turn look down
upon the beggars and match-seUers with the most supreme
contempt. Lower than that it cannot go, unless it be
that when one of the last-mentioned sees a mate carried
off to the hospital, or Immigrants' Home, to die, he may
thank Ged he has net come to that yet.
Thus, throughout, the laws, of caste are as clearly
defined, and as strictly conformed to, by the section of
our population we are treating of, as they are among
the Hindoos.
When pur friend is drunk, which is as pften as the
state ef his finances will allew, he is not sp agreeable
in manner, or coherent in speech, as when sober, con
sequently it is difficult to separate the wheat from the
tares of his discourse. He has also many peculiar ways
when in that state, one of which is to stop us every time
we meet, and insist upon shaking hands — an ordeal we
always submit to, as the readiest way of getting rid of
him. One cold winter's day, a few years ago, when the
" proppers " could cut their own sticks in the scrub, we
met him toiling along under a load of props he had cut
that morning. There had been a drizzling rain about an
hour before, and he looked weary, wet, and dejected.
" For God's sake," he said, as soon as he saw us, " give
me a drop of rum, or I shall die ! " Having said which,
he laid his props down by the edge of the kerb, so as to
be ready to " adjourn," for he fully expected to get what
he had asked for.
Out of compassion we did adjourn, and he soon felt
better under the vivifying effects of two threepenny-
worths of rum. In the conversation that followed, we
asked him if he did not prefer .the summer to winter for
cutting his props.
" No fear," he replied ; " I Uke the winter best, for then
we are at least free from the mosquitoes. I was down in
the scrub one morning, about three months ago, at five
o'clock, when I got it awful. It was a close muggy
moming, with scarcely a breath of air stirring, when
they came round me in swarms, and almost drove me
mad vrith their stings. People say they only bite new
chums ; if so, they've been mistaking me for one every

236 Lights and Shadows of Melbourne Life.
summer these last twenty years, and the more they taste
of me the better they seem to like me. But that moming
they gave me such " pepper," that if I had been a new
chum, instead of an old, well-seasoned one, I shpuld never
have left the scrub alive."
When he had get sp far, he put both his hands to his
sides, as though he was in great pain, and said he thought
he had the cramp in his stomach, to which he was very
liable whenever he got wet, and expressed the beUef that
another drop of rum would do him good. We told him
we thought not, and advised him to go home and 'get
something to eat, 'with a basin of hot cpffee, and that
would do him more good than aU the rum in the wprld.
Althpugh it was plain tp see he wpuld have preferred his
own remedy tp purs, he said nothing further, but went
to the place where he had left his props, and, ha-ring
shouldered them, trudged off home.
Owing to the heavier nature of the occupation, "prop
ping " has to be followed by a younger and far more
vigorous class of men than the peripatetics who foUpw
thpse occupations which can be carried on by means of a
light basket ; consequently they are net all such hopeless
drunkards as the " winkle " and the cockle men are.
Comparatively young as they are, however, some of
them " swipe " to an extent that gives fair promise that,
as old age Creeps upon them, when they wUl have to
drop the props and take tp the baskets, their power of
imbibing will be quite equal to that pf any pf their
predecessprs. When the young housewife, still in the first blush of
pride in her new home, is negotiating the purchase of
her props, she should think of the hardships the man she
is dealing with has to undergo in procuring them, and as
they are articles so necessary to the proper working of
her laundry, she shpuld npt drive tpp hard a bargain with
him.

( 237 )

CHIMNEY SWEEPS.
The term " sweep " is not confined solely to those useful
individuals who, for a consideration, come early in the
morning to divest our chimneys of their superfiuous soot.
It is also appUed to certain members of society who,
although decidedly a " cut " above handling such a dirty
material as soot, will, nevertheless, bespatter themselves
-with dirt that cannot be washed off.
There is the " Moral sweep " — the seducer, the false
friend, and the evader of just liabiUties; the "Lying
sweep " — the man who seldom opens his mouth but to
utter a falsehpod ; the " Drunken sweep " — the man who
ruins his health, destroys his mind, and brings misery
upon all dependent upon him by an ungodly thirst ; the
" Lazy sweep " — the man who prefers eating the bread of
idleness to that which eats so much sweeter when earned
by honest toil ; the " Dirty sweep " — the man who is not
above doing mean actions ; whUe a " Eegular sweep " — is
the term appUed to an all-round scoundrel.
AU and several of these men consider themselves far
superior to the poor looked-down-upon " chummy."
Chimney-sweeping is not considered a dignified caUing
in any country in the world. That is probably owing
to the dirt which clings to those who follow it, for dirt
and dignity are incpmpatible. We speak pf material, net
moral, dirt, as a man may be dirty in his actiens and
extremely dignified in cpmpprtment.
Chimney-sweeping in Melbpume is a mere lucrative
business than it is in London, where " chummying " has
for many years been at a low ebb. There was a time
when the "queer" — as soot is called in the sweep's
jargon — could be sold to the farmers for dressing the land
at half-a-crown per bushel. Now, owing to the intro
duction of so many patent manures, it will enly fetch
fcurpence.

238 Lights and Shadows of Melbourne Idfe.
Besides taking away the soot. Chummy topk gpod care
to clear out the cinders and ashes from the grate, and
walk off with them as well. On reaching home, the sweep
would empty his bag of soot and ashes on to a heap in a
room used for that purpose, as it would never dp to keep
it in the open air, for, being so light, the first puff of
wind would send it flying all over the neighbourhood.
The soot is then sifted to separate the cinders — " breeze,"
as it is called^-from it. The former is then tied up in
sacks, and put aside till the farmer, or market-gardener,
calls for it, unless the sweep happens to have a horse and
cart of his own, when he is only too glad to- deliver it
himself. The breeze is sold to the brickmakers, who use
it for burning their bricks, as, owing to its comparative
freedom from smoke,- it is much better than coal, -with the
addition.al advantage of its being much cheaper.
Here the soot is worth nothing, so Chummy, when he
has taken it out of the chimney, throws it into the first
convenient place he can find, which is usually the dust-
box, or some comer of th© back yard.
Notwithstanding the soot having no commercial value,
chimney-sweeping is not a bad business in Melbourne.
There was a time when a sweep could earn his pound a
day, and sometimes more ; even now a man with a good
connexion may calculate upon a fair income — the year
out and the year in, as they call it. A sweep out here
may sometimes be seen with a clean face — a phenomenon
never seen at home, except, perhaps, on Sundays ; even
then there is a grimy look upon them, having a strong
resemblance tb the outside of a saucepan the cppk has
been trying tp polish. The reason why the colonials
have cleaner faces than their brethren at home is owing
to wppd being so largely used for fuel, the soot of which
being harder and more cohesive than that resulting from
coal, it does not fly about when touched.
As members of society, our sweeps are, as a rule, better
behaved than those in. England ; and the cause of that
higher " tone " may be found in the fact that here nearly
all of them are their own masters.
But few appliances are needed to start a man in
business, and it needs no preparatory training. A
machine, costing about five pounds, a scraper, a hand^
brush to sweep up the soot, and a cloth to sweep it into.

Chimney Sweeps, 239

are all a man requires tp make a start in that line. If
he wish tp indulge in a sign, a brush similar te a Turk's
head erected above the roof of his house will do.
Although our sweeps are generaUy better behaved than
those of London, an exception to that rule may sometimes
be met with, as the foUowing incident will show.
A weU-known and highly-respected Chinese merchant,
living at East Melbourne, was, some time ago, standing
at his front gate talking to his wife and a friend, when a
sweep came along and asked him if he wanted his chimney
swept. " No,'' was the answer.
"How is it," queried the sweep, "that you Chinese
never want your chimneys swept ? "
The answer he got to that impertinent question was a
crack on the head from the Chinaman's umbrella. The
sweep retaUated by knocking off his assailant's hat with
his brush, and there seemed every prospect of what is
caUed in the prize-ring jargon a " rattling mill " coming
off between the two, when the gentleman standing by,
and the groom who happened to be working in the front
garden, interfered in the interests of peace, and each
drew his man off, the sweep hinting at future law pro
ceeding.'!, and the other threatening the immediate
invocation of the police. However, nothing further
came of it, as one, doubtless, was ashamed of his rudeness,
and the other must have felt he had not cut a very
dignified figure in the matter.
Many of the elder members of the brotherhopd fpUpwed
the same calling at home, but, hearing of the diggings,
they came out to " try their luck," and having tried it,
¦with poor results, or having made something, and lost it
again, they feU back upon their original avocation, and
found it a. much better way of earning money, and far
easier than digging.
One came out to AustraUa under a cloud, and when it
had rolled ,by, he came to Victoria, where he met a
chummy he had known in London, and the two " amalga
mated," as he caUed it. Seeing this man could neither
read nor write, it would be hard to say where he picked
up that word,
Haring amalgamated, they thought they would go on
the spree for a week before getting into harness. But

240 Lights and Shadows of Melbourne Life.
the week had scarcely half expired when they had a
dispute, which ended in a fight, and having hammered
one another to their muthal satisfaction, they shook
hands, and dissolved the partnership, with the same
liquid formalities that had accompanied the amalga
mation. We asked our friend, the cloudy one, what the quarrel
was about.
" Well, you see," he answered, " he wanted to be boss,
but I wasn't a-going to let him. We was a-talking of it
over, when he ses, ses he, ' Nat, I think the business had
better be carried on in my name.' ' How's that ? ' ses I.
' Because I'm not known to the perlise,' ses he. ' P'r'aps
not,' ses I, ' but you ought to be,' I ses. ' What about
the " souper " (watch) as was lost the moming you swep'
old Jones' flue ? ' At that he lets fly, and drops me a hot
'un on the nose, and I sends him a straight 'un that put
his ear about an inch further back. Then at it we goes,
and as nobody was there to interfere, we fought till we
was both tired."
One knight of the brush and scraper had been a draper
at home. He, like others, having been seized -with the
gold fever, came out here in the expectation of being able,
in a few months, to return te the land of his birth vrith
sufficient of the precious metal to open in a large way of
business in London. The day after he landed at Port
Melbourne he was taken Ul, having only a few shUlings
in his pocket. His other belongings were the clothes h©
stood upright in, an extra shirt or two, and several pafrs
of stockings -tied up in a pocket-handkerchief, the other
portion of his wardrobe having been disposed of in London
to raise the means of getting to the land of promise. On
recovering from his illness, he found himself penniless,
arid being without a "swag" to gp pn the "wallaby"
with, he had, nolens volens, tp remain in Melbeurne.
In cpnsequence pf there being such an expdus pf the
male population from the capital, a man -willing to wprk
was npt long in want of a job, and that, tpp, at a fafr
rate pf wage. The draper wprked weU, and sepn scraped
a little mcney tpgether, which he carefuUy bearded, in
the hppe that, before long, he would be able to save
enough to provide the necessary outfit for his visit to the
gold-fields.

Chimney Sweeps. 211
As he was taking his half-pint of " sheoak ' one after-
nppn in an hotel in Flinders Street, a sweep came in, also
with a view to a " wet," He had his business appliances
upon his shoulder, and having deposited them in a corner,
caUed for a pint of beer. He and the draper soon got
into conversation, and their talk, of course, took the direc
tion of the goldfields. The draper regretted he was not
able to proceed thither owing to a lack of funds ; and the
sweep deplored his fate in not being able to dispose of
the " plant " and goodwill of his business, so that he too
might be able to hie to the same Tom Tiddler's ground.
After having had their measures refilled, they became
very confidential -with each other, especially the sweep.
He spoke of his earnings, their certainties, and potenti-
aUties, saying :
" Look here, mate, I've earned nearly a pound to-day,
and I got almost as much yesterday, yet I can't seU my
tools and business for thirty bob 1 " and he pulled a
handful of silver out of his pocket to show he was not
" blowing." That set the draper thinking. What if he were to buy
the business ? He had the needful thirty bob, and a
" quid," as he called a sovereign, to spare. It was a
business anyone could take to. All one had to do was to
" poke " th© machine up the chimney, and await results ;
then, having sw©pt up the results, and thrown them
away, pocket the fee, and start out in search of another
job. By the time he had got so far in his cogitations, both
pewters were empty, and had to be replenished. This
time, however, the draper's half-pint measure was dis
missed in favour of one that held a pint, as the effort of
thinking and weighing the pros and cons of the contem
plated new undertaking had made him extremely thirsty.
At length, after a little talk, the bargain was concluded,
the draper, handing over the thirty shillings, received in
exchange the sweep's hand-brush, scraper, cloth, and
machine. No documents were signed and delivered in
connection with the business, as none were deemed
necessary by either of the parties to the contract. A
shake of the hand and an inpouring of a couple of pints
of beer were the only formula gone through to bind the
bargain, and they, in the estimation of these twp men,
E

242 Lights and Shadoivs of Melbourne Life.
bound it as effectuaUy as any legal document in the
-world could have done.
The sweep was a decent kind of feUow, and gave the
other all the information he wanted concerning the modus
operandi of the "trade," and the best "rounds" for him
tp go on.
As the retiring sweep intended to start for the diggings
the next day, he advised his successor to go into the
cottage he, was about to leave, as it would keep the con
nection together, and obviate the necessity of his having
to find a house for himself, which might be a difificult
thing to do, as many landlords are unreasonable enough
to object to sweeps as tenants. The furniture, he told
him, he could have for whatever he liked to give. Th©
draper agreed, but, on arriving at his new abode, he was
somewhat surprised to see it was nothing more than
an old tumbledown, two-roomed, wooden cottage, in a
lane off Little Collins Street west. It had eridently
undergone some rough usage and much neglect, as its
dilapidated look could not be the restdt of did age, as it
was npt built till 1839, four years after Batman had
pitched his tent close by. His astonishment at the
appearance of the house was as nothing compared with
his amazement when told he would have to pay, in
advance, a pound a week for the privilege of occupying
it. A pound a quarter he would have thought nearer th©
mark. Eents ruled high in Melbourne at that time. Any old
shanty that could boast of a door and a roof, no matter
how leaky the latter might be, would fetch just as much
rent as the owner liked to ask. However, seeing ther©
was no help for it, the new tenant accepted the inerit-
able. The furniture was not very expensive in quality or
varied in kind. A stretcher, flock mattress, and two
blankets comprised the bedding. A chafr without a back,
a .table with only three legs, the crippled side being
placed against the wall to enable it to stand ; a brpken
jug tp fetch the beer in, and a jam-tin tc drink it put pf;
a couple of plates, a basin, a gridiron, and the inevitable
billy, were everything in the shape of furniture the room
con-tained. This splendid assortment of goods, as an
auctioneer would put it, was sold for five shilUngs, and

Ghi.nney Sweeps. 243
the vendor congratulated the vendee upon the magnitude
of- his bargain, for had he net got a business with the
tools for carrying it on, and a furnished house for less
than two pounds ? There was a box under the stretcher
containing what the sweep caUed a few rags, not included
in the transaction.
This second stroke of business had to be ratified with
beer in the same way the other had been, and the sweep
took the jug and went to the nearest " pub," returning
with it shortly afterwards full of beer. They then sat
dovra, one on the chair and the other on the edge of the
bed, to enjoy it. It was now about sir o'clock, the
sweep's usual supper-time, and he asked his new friend if
he would like a " bite." The latter confessed to feeUng a
Uttie " peckish," and said he should. The lat© tenant
then dived his arm into a small cupboard by the side of
the fireplace, and unearthed half a loaf; another dive,
and a lump of cheese was brought into view. He then
opened the cupboard-door to its fuU width, went down on
his knees, and began groping in the comers of the shelf,
-with the result that he brought out a good-sized onion, a
littie salt screwed up in paper, and an old buckhom-
handled knife. These he placed upon the table beside the
bread and cheese, and the two fell upon the edibles with
great enjoyment. The sweep accounted for the presence
of the onion by saying he always liked a " hot supper."
During the progress of the meal it pccurred to the
draper that, having paid for the furniture, he had only
fifteen shillings left, and he didn't see how he could pay
a week's rent out of that. On explaining his financial
difficulty to his friend, he received the gratifying informa
tion that the week had yet three days to run, and in the
meantime he would be able to earn more than sufficient
to meet the smiling landlord on friendly terms when he
caUed on the next Monday moming.
Shortly after that the sweep, who had a friend with
whoin he could reside tiU he started for the diggings,
shppk his new friend by the hand, and, shouldering his
box, departed. The quondam draper left the house with
him, and went to, his old lodgings to settle up vrith his
landlady, and remove the few things he had to his new
home. It may seem strange that a man who could earn so
R 2

244 Li, hts and Shadows of Melbourne Life,
much money as it has been shown the late sweep could,
should have a home so incompletely furnished. , But,
strange as it may appear to those unacquainted with the
popular habits of the period we are writing of, it was by
no means an uncommon state of affairs. " Knocking
down " was then a pastime in great favour with men pf a
certain mental bias, when they happened to be in ppsses-
sipn pf mpre' men ey than they were accustemed to have at
one time. This knocking business was not brought about
by the fist of the individual who performed the operation,
but was simply going into an hotel and " shouting " for
" all hands " till the money was spent.
That mode of getting rid of his money was the favourite
one of this sweep, when he had saved enough to indulge
in it. He would work hard till he had scraped together
thirty pr fprty ppunds, when he wpuld have what he
called a " spell," and enjpy intensely the release frcm
business till the empty state pf his < ppckets cpmpeUed
him tp shpulder ence mere his machine and resume his
rpunds. There is another way in which the scarcity of furniture
in our friend's mansion may be accounted for^ — his dislike
to burden himself with anything he could do without.
He was a philosopher in his way, and was wont to argue
thus : " What's the good of haring a. lot o' things you
don't want ? The old jug does very weU to fetch the
supper beer in, and the jam-tin is just as gpod to drink
it out of as the best glass in the world, and better, for if I
was to drop it I cpuld. pick it up again, npne the wprse,
but if I drepped the glass it would smash, and I should
have to buy another. Besides, what do I want with a
blooming lot o' furniture ? All I want is a ' cheer ' to
' set ' on, a table to eat my ' tucker ' off, and a ' bed ' to
' lay ' on. If I had more, I should come home some
afternoon and find some one had ' shook ' the whole
'biling.'.'? The latter part of his speech was quite correct. Beino-
away so much of his time, if he ha,d left anything at
home worth taking, the chances are some one would have
taken it, whereas, in the then state of his belongings, he
might have left the door wide open without the premises
being invaded by a more harmful foe than a fe-w stray
fowls looking in with a view to crumbs, or a cat in search

Chimney Sweeps. 245
of mice or a fragment of meat left from the occupant's
breakfast. Early the next moming the new sweep went on his
rounds, and retumed home about two o'clock twelve
shillings the richer. Having placed his tools in a corner
of the second room, he went out and bought a scrubbing-
brush, a pound of soap, and a bucket, ¦vrith a view of
taking a few coats of mud off the floor. He imdid his
bundle, and took out a worsted stocking to use as a
house-cloth. In the backyard he found an old grass
broom wom down to a stump. With this he swept both
rooms out as well as he could, and then scrubbed the top
of the table and its three legs. He then operated on the
floor, and when he had finished that he thought he had
done enough household work for one day.
His pwn wants now claimed his attentipn, fer he had
partaken of nothing that day, except half a pint of beer,
as, owing to his over-indulgence ofthe previous evening, he
felt far too seedy when he awoke in the morning to care for
any breakfast. He looked into the cupboard, and found
some wood on the bottpm part pf it. After he had made
a fire, and put seme water pn in the billy to wash up
vrith, he went out to buy a steak and a loaf. Having put
the former on the fire, he looked about to see if he could
find anything to turn it with, and a closer inspection of '
the cupboard led to the discovery of a fork with one prong,
eridently the mate of the knife he and the sweep had
used the night before to cut the bread and cheese -with.
"WhUe the steak was cooking, he took the jug and went
to the public-house, which was only a few doors off, for a
pint of the liquid which both cheers and inebriates.
When he got back the steak was done, and he sat down
determined to do fuU justice to it. He was well pleased
with his day's work, lus appetite was keen, and the steak
not over tough, so there was nothing to prevent his
perfect enjoyment of the meal, and its concomitant pint of
beer. When he had " polished off" the steak, as he caUed
it, he put the remainder of the loaf in the cupboard, and
proceeded to wash up. Here he was confronted by a
difficulty he had not foreseen-^he had nothing to dry the
things with when washed. He sppn overcame that, how
ever, by going to his bundle, out of which he took an old
shirt, and tearing out the back, used it as a towel.

246 Lights and Shadows of Melbourne Life.
He resolved to refurnish the house as soon as he was in
a position to do so, but in the meantime he dismissed the
jam-tin, and replaced it by a glass tumbler, and added a
cup and saucer to the two plates and basin. The next day
business was a little better than the first, and he bought
a knife and fork out of the proceeds.
On the third night he slept vrith his head upon a piUow,
for, as he said, his clothes made up into a bundle were not
at all comfortable things to rest the head upon.
From those small beginnings our friend went on
improving his position, tUl he became pretty weU off, and
if he, had been more careful of his money, that is, if he
had not spent so much of it in drink, he might have been
better off than he is. As it is, he Uves in his" own cottage,
and has two others besides.

Saveloy Machine Men. 247

SAVELOY MACHINE MEN.
A FEW years ago, as many of us have good reason for
remembering, a new industry of a nocturnal kind was
started in our midst. We allude to the baked potato and
saveloy machines, whose steam whistles were so effective
in banishing slumber from the eyes of those whose mis
fortune it was to Uve within the radius of a hundred yards
of the spot where one of them " pitched."
From aU parts of the metropoUs complaints were rife
of, th© abominabl© nuisance caused nightly by these
whistles, which had the effect after a time of galvanising
the police into a little activity, and a few of the delin
quents were summoned.
When the business was started, a little more than
eighteen years ago, it commenced -with only one machine,
and that mad© its first appearance in " Paddy's Market."
It was an object of great interest to the young colonials,
who crowded round it in such numbers that intending pur
chasers had the greatest difficulty in getting their wants
suppUed. On non-market nights it went about the streets,
still foUowed by a crowd of astonished admirers, the
juvenile portion of whom went into ecstasies every time
the steam whistle was "sounded.
The proprietor of that machine soon discovered he had
found a public " want," the supplying of which promised
to be highly remunerative. But he was not aUowed to
retain the monopoly for any length of time, for others,
seeing how the public taste inclined to hot pies and
saveloys, started in opposition, till at length aU parts of
the city and suburbs w.ere nightly supplied with hot
suppers. Although these men are decidedly peripatetic in doing
their business, they are highly offended if called hawkers.
" TraveUing, sir," said one of them to us one night, on
our asking him how long he had been hawking. " We

248 Lights and Shadows of Melbourne Idfe,
are net hawkers, althpugh we have to get our living in
the street, but tradesmen, and a cut above the men who
have to hump their baskets, or push their barrews.
We applpgised fpr the slip of the tongue, and were
graciously forgiven.
Seeing the door of his machine open as he was serving
gome customers, we thought we might as well look in to
see what the internal arrangements were like. We no
ticed the prevailing odour was of grease and soot, whil©
the potatoes looked as though they had been baked in the
latter substance, and, through being turned so often by
the man's greasy fingers, they had acquired as glossy a
look as though they had been polished. Th© complexion
of his pies, through much handling, had also changed for
the worse, and had anything but an appetizing look ;
while the saveloys were hissing in a tin dish up to half
their thickness in grease, which sound must have had a
terribly tantalising effect upon the appetites of the half
dozen hungry-looking boys standing round.
The dealer appeared to think that forks were unneces
sary implements to one in the possession of the correct
number of fingers, for they were the only forks he used in
transferring his wares from -the oven to the plate, or
whatever the customer might have brought -to receive
them. There must have been something of the Salamander
about that man, for he handled the scalding hot saveloys
and pies as coolly as though they had not been near a
fire for a week. "We then noticed his hands were of the
same colour as the potatoes, and we wondered whether it
was the hands dirtied the potatoes or the potatoes the
hands. That question was soon settled to our satisfaction,
for he scooped a double handful of coal out of the box and
threw it into the open furnace, thus showing he was as
independent of a shovel as he was of a fork. Having
closed the furnace door, he 'rubbed his hands on his
trpusers tp rempve seme of the coal dust, and took half a
dozen pies out of a tray and put them into the oven to
warm. But we must give him all due credit by saying
that he waited till his customers' backs were turned before
doing that.
The customers having now departed, the pieman closed
the oven door, thus hiding from the Ipnging eyes of the

Saveloy Machine Men, 24!)
hungry boys the deUcacies it contained, and as they could
neither see nor taste them, they too went on their way.
Being now disengaged, the merchant lit his pipe and
laid himself out for a comfortable smoke. Wishing to get
some information about these machines and their drivers,
and thinking this a favourable opportunity for doing so,
we entered into conversation with him by observing :
"There's a nice savoury smeU about your wares, I
suppose a hungry'man could make a good meal off them ?"
" He could that," was the answer.
We then asked him if he would have a glass of ale. He
thanked us poUtely, and told us he had been a teetotaller
for more than thirteen years. We congratulated him
upon that cfrcumstance, and expressed the hope he would
continue so for the next thirteen. He assured us he
intended to do so.
It may seem inconsistent on our part to advise a man to
keep the pledge just after having asked him to have a
glass of ale. But it must be borne in mind that one of
the customs of modem society is to acknowledge a civUity,
past or prospective, by an inritation to drink, and our
doing so in this instance was simply emplpying the
readiest means, as we theught, pf getting on easy terms
with him, though had we known he was a non-drinker
we should certainly not have done so.
Walpole was quite right when he said, "Every man has
his price," though it is doubtful if that very astute gentle
man -wished it to be understood that the " price " always-
meant money. He knew mankind top weU npt to know
that most men are " gone " on some subject or other. They
beUeve in this, or they don't beUeye in that, and they take
to thefr heart of hearts those who beUeve or disbeliev©
with them : identity of thought is their " price." Others
may have some particular crotchet. Their " price " is
having it humoured. The surest way of "fetching" a
man is to ride his hobby. You may find it rough work,.
but if you can oiUy keep on long enough, you may calcu
late upon having made, if not a friend, an admfrer, for
life. A mother's " price " is unlimited praise cf her baby's-
beauty; a father's, laudation of his son's smartness;
though one may be like a monkey and the other a fool.
There are scores of men who would be highly indignant
if offered money for giving information, but who are apt.

250 Lights and Shadows of Melbourne Idfe,
to become veiy leaky after having partaken of a glass of
ale at your expense ; or if, as was the case -with the save-
loyman, they happen to be teetptaUers, a little "flum
mery " will dp as weU.
Doubtless Sfr Eobert had come across many men
whose "price" took the tangible shape of money, but
there must have been others, whose services he wanted,
free frcm the itching palm. Each of these he woidd know
how to buy at his pwn "price," vritheut the purchased
one ever suspecting he had been bought.
We wanted some information" from our pieman that
we thought might be of some public interest, and we knew
of no readier way of doing it than by getting him to talk.
But one cannot get on famiUar terms -with a steanger at a
bound; one must work up to it by degrees, just as an
engineer approaches an enemy's Unes.
When we found this man's " price " was not beer, -we
wondered what it could be. We knew nothing of him
and had not heard him talk sufficiently to discover if he
had any particular " crank." We would have tried praise
had there been anything praiseworthy about him or his
belongings. His horse inclined very much to the knacker,
so much so that even our ¦wiUing eyes failed to see a
" point " about it ; and the machine was quite as dUapi
dated as the horse.
Just then he sounded his steam whistle, but in a very
feeble manner, and for a few seconds only, then, having
shouted " Hot pies, baked potatoes, saveloys," in drawUng
and lugubrious tones, he relit his pipe and went on ¦vrith
his smoke.
It then occurred to us that we might propitiate him
by condoling with him on the injustice of his not being
allowed to blow his whistle as loud and as long as he
pleased. " It's hard lines," we said, " that yeu're not aUowed to
sound your whistle to let people know you're about."
" It is that," he resppnded in a manner that told us we
had struck the right chord, and we saw at once that this
man's " price " was sympathy.
" You lose a deal of custom through it?"
" We do that. At one time we could stand at four
cross roads and whistle for a quarter of an hour at a
stretch, and people would flock from all sides to get what

Saveloy Machine Men. 251
they wanted, but now we have to keep constantly on the
move, and call cut tp let people know where we are ; and
by-and-bye I suppose they'U stop that too."
" Yery likely," we assented. The little sympathy we
had expressed for him on the hardness of his lot, in not
being aUowed to make himself a pubUc nuisance, put us
on as intimate terms as though we had knovra each other
for years, and we found him as garrulous and wiUing to
give information as we coidd desfre.
In answer to the question as to the class his customers
belonged to, he told us they were shopkeepers, tradesmen,
cabbies, policemen on night duty, loafers, gamins, and
night bfrds of aU kinds who liked a hot supper and could
muster the threepence to pay for it.
"Being out so late at night, when so many drunken
men and bad characters are about, you sometimes get hold
of an awkward customer to deal with ? "
" I do that," was his reply. It may be noticed that our
friend made great use of the pronoun " that " when he
agreed ¦with our assertions. It is a common form of speech
among a certain class, and means hearty concurrence in
what has been said.
He then related how, one morning about one o'clock, as
he was going home, a drunken man stuck him up and
demanded a pie. It so happened he was " sold out " of
those deUcacies, and told the man so, offering at the same
time to give him a saveloy instead.
" You're an adjective Uar," roared the inebriate, " and
if you don't put yourself together and hand me out one
pretty smart, I'll punch your blooming head," and he
piQled off his coat preparatory to carrying out that threat.
The pieman was a little man, and would have had no
chance vrith the other in a bout of fisticuffs, but he was
not deficient in pluck, and had a strong objection to having
his head punched, so he armed himself -vrith his furnace
poker and stood on the defensive.
"What are you going to do with that blooming poker?"
asked Bibo.
"If you don't put on your coat and clear out of this,
yon'U soon find out," answered our Uttle friend.
WhUe they were facing one another, and before any
thing further could be said, another drunken man stag
gered on the scene, and seeing the other -with his coat off.

252 Lights and Shadows of Melbourne Life.
accepted it as a chaUenge to fight. The newcomer's coat
was soon lying on the ground beside the other's, and the
two men confronted each other without a word haring
been spoken. They soon went at it, but they were both
tpp drunk tp dp any damage. All they cculd dc was to
grapple and hold on to one anpther fpr mutual suppprt.
WhUe they were swaying abput, twp pplicemen came
along, who made them put on their coats, and then walked
them off to the lock-up. The pieman feeUng grateful for
the last comer's intercession, explained the matter to the
policemen, and offered to dri-ve his friend home if they
would allow him. The constables were however obdurate,
and took him away -with them.
Our friend had by this time come to the conclusion that
he had exhausted the neighbourhood of his present "pitch,"
so he moved off to see what business he could do in
anothei street. His saying he had offered to drive the
drunken man home pn his machine recalled to our mind
how one of our high civic dignitaries, when belated one
night, had ridden home in triumph on a vehicle of a
similar description, so we went with him with a view of
finding out if he was the owner of the cpnveyance that
had been sp highly hpnpured. He was net, he teld us,
but he knew whese it was perfectly weU.
Having pitched ence more, he allowed a feeble whistle
tp escape, and fpUpwed it up by the usual vpcal display pn
his pwn part, after which he vplunteered the statement
that there were seme " mean cusses " in the world. Al
thpugh perfectly well aware pf that fact, we did net
exactly see what it had tp dp with anything that had
passed between us. But wishing tp find out what par
ticular kind of " cuss " he alluded to, we assented, and told
him we had met with a few ourselves, and judging from
his observation, we supposed he had also.
" I have that," he said, and then went on to tell us how
he had one night been " bilked," that is, cheated, by two
men out of six saveloys and a dozen potatoes. These
worthies came up to him, and while one was apparently
feeling in his pocket for the money, the other told him to
tie the saveloys and potatoes in a handkerchief he gave
him for the purpose. The unsuspecting pieman did as
he was told, and handed the parcel to the one who had
given the order, when they both darted away and disap-

Saveloy Machine Men, 253
peared round a convenient corner, and were out of sight
when the victim reached that corner in pursuit.
He spied a policeman about a hundred yards off, to
whom he reported the robbery, and was advised by that
functionary to summon the men.
" How can I summon the men when I don't know who
they are ? " asked the pieman, somewhat astonished.
" Faith, thin you'll have to foind that out," was all the
answer he got.
" Can't you go after them ? "
" No I can't, because it's only a debt. You handed
them the things, and they ran away without paying you,
and that, in the eyes of the law, is not robbery."
The poor feUow failed to see it in the same Ught. To
his unsophisticated mind, robbery was robbery, whether
the things were snatched by violence from the owner or
ordered with a pre-determination not to pay for them.
We told him it was very Ukely that, after these two
men had eaten the potatoes and saveloys, they would go
into some quiet pubUc house and get a pint of beer each,
on the same terms.
Just then two customers came up, so we bade the little
man good night and passed on.
One night, about a quarter past eleven, we saw another
specimen of the baked "tater " brotherhood leaning against
his machine smoking. There was a serious look about
him, as though he was mentaUy calculating the night's
profits and found them unsatisfactory. Customers did
not appear to be at aU rife, which perhaps had something
to do vrith his sombre looks. We introduced ourselves by
asking if he could direct us to a certain street. He could
not, which was' not at all remarkable, seeing that, to
our knowledge, there was no street of the name we gave
in Melbourne. We then entered into conversation with
him on various subjects, beginning with the weather, and
ending by asking him which horse was going to win the
" cup," the races being then close upon us. W© found in
the latter subject we had hit upon the right topic, for,
like every one else at that time, this man knew all about
it. He named a horse and said it was bound to " pull it
off." It was a " moral," by which latter -word he meant
it was a moral certainty his horse would vrin.
Here he woke up aU the echoes of the neighbourhopd

254 Lights and Shadows of Melbourne Life.
by a lively movement on his steam whistle. After that
he indicated the precise spot where he could be found by
calling out "Hot pies, baked potatoes," in a voice that
bore no^ slight resemblance to the roaring of a bull. The
sounds of the latter performance had scarcely died away
when a man, dressed only in his trousers and night shirt,
came out of one of the houses close by and told him if he
didn't stop his expletive row he would smash him and Jiis
expletive machine too. That riled the pieman, and he
told the disturbed householder he might go to a certain
nameless place. That begat a Uvely interchange of com
pliments, vrith many mutual expressions of opinion as to
each other's good qualities and respectabUity, but the 'tater
man, knowing he was in the wrong, soon gave the other
"best," and moved on before the affair had got beyond.
words. Having got on with him, so far, amicably, we went
after him, and when he had " pitched " in another street
we tried to resume our conversation, but the ^'barney"
he had just had with the man in the other street had eri
dently disturbed his equanimity, and all our advances
were unmistakable faUures. Not wishing to appear
snubbed, we asked him if he had anything nice that
would do for supper.
" You can see what there is," he^said, as he opened the
oven dppr with a snap.
We Ippked in and saw a simUaf arrangement te that in
the pne we had examined befpre. There was the same
cpmpound smeU, the same sibilation of fat in the tin dish,
and the pies and potatoes were of the same dingy hue.
" How do you sell the potatoes ? "
" That depends upon the size."
" They are very black. What makes them that colour? "
" The smoke of the furnace, but that makes no difference,
people never eat the skins."
"True, but they prefer seeing them in their natural
colour. How do you sell the saveloys ? " we asked, vrish
ing, if possible, to restore his good humour.
" Three for sixpence."
" Well, we think -tve'll have a pie." Our intention was
to give it to the first boy we met, but, through an unfor
tunate display of fastidiousness on our part, we were pre
vented carrying out that benevolent intention.

Saveloy Machine Men. , 255
He_ took the pie out of the tray with his bare hand and
held it out to us, evidently thinking we should take it in
the same way. In that however he was greatly mistaken,
for it was not only too hot for us to handle, but we had an
insuperable objection to going about for the rest of the
night ¦with a greasy hand. Our want of alacrity in
relieving him of the dainty morsel was, we could see,
anything but agreeable to him, but, for all that, we were
not going to take the pie unless he wrapped it in paper.
" Here you are," he at length said.
"Haven't you got a piece of paper to put it in?"
"No." " I can't take it like that then."
Without further parley, he dashed the pie back into the
oven and said, —
"You're expletive particular about your threepence,"
and mounting to his seat he drove on.
There are, in good sooth, many strange places in
Melbourne, and some queer people too — so strange and
so queer that many vrill think I have dra^wn upon my
imagination for my facts. In cpming tp that cpnclusion,
however, they will do me an injustice. I owe nothing
to imagination. The places, as I have described them,
may be seen in the heart of the city at this moment,
and each character I have intrpduced has been taken
frpm a Uving mpdel, whp stUl hplds, if alive, the same
position in society he held at the time he came under
my observation ; or, if dead, another, of whom lie was
the type, may be seen in his place.

the end,"

LONDOS :
PRINTED BY ¦WILLIAM CLO^WES AND EONS, LIMITED,
fcTAHFOKD STREET AKD CHAHIKG CROSS.

YALE UNIVERSITY UBRARY

3 9002 03229 0091

m--^

'ms3s<f.:-yif ¦