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Wilson Library
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MINNESOTA
UNIVERSITY OF
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1
THE LIBRARY

Fi Sham
Jan
GINGER SNAPS:
ܝܐ


A COLLECTION OF
TWO THOUSAND
SCINTILLATIONS OF WIT.
THE MATERIAL GATHERED,
#
AND
The Whole Batch Baked,
BY JO COSE.
"allows that have been
So nimble, and so full of subtle flame,
As if that every one, from whom they came,
Hud put his whole wit in x jest.”
BOSTON:
PUBLISHED BY AMSDEN & CO.
14 BROMFIELD ST.
Entered, according to Act of Congress, in the year 1965, by
AMSDEN & CO.,
in the Clerk's Office of the District Court of the United
States, for the District of Massachusetts.
Stereotyped by MOULD & CAst.
Printed by PRESS, INK, TYPE & Co., Boston.
wils, cls
ANA (676-1
GINGER SNAPS:
A
MAN, who was exceedingly corpulent, coming
late one evening to a fortified town, asked a
countryman whom he met, "if he could get
in at the gate ?" "I should think you might,"
replied the peasant surveying his proportions, "I saw
a load of hay go in this morning."

GARRICK said of Sir John Hill, the physician and
author, "The worst I wish the doctor, is that he may
be compelled to take his own physic and read his own
plays." "You must reverse the punishment," said a wag,
"any man who takes the doctor's physic won't live to
read his plays."
A MAN called another an extortioner for suing him,
"Why my friend,” replied the man who brought the
suit, "I did it to oblige you." "To oblige me, indeed
-how so ?" "Why, to oblige you to pay me."
A roon widow was asked how she became so much
attached to a certain neighbor, and replied that she
was bound to him by several cords of wood which he
had sent to her during a hard winter.
"I SAY, Mr. Pilot, ain't you going to start soon ?”
said a cockney on board a steamer lying-to during a
fog. "As soon as the fog clears up,” replied the
captain. "Well it's starlight overhead now," said
the cockney. "Oh, yes," replied the captain, "but
we are not going that way."
4
~~~~9 GINGER SNAPS 62-
A GENTLEMAN was one day arranging music for
a lady to whom he was paying his attention. "Pray,
Mits D.," said he, "what time do you prefer?" "Oh,"
she replied, carelessly, "any time will do-but the
quicker the better.”
A CURATE having been overhauled by his bishop
for attending a ball, the former replied, "My lord, I
wore a mask."—"Oh, well," returned the bishop,
"that puts a new face on the affair."
A GLASGOW antiquary recently visited Cathcart
Castle, and asked one of the villagers "If he knew
anything of an old story about the building ?" "Ay,"
said the rustic, "there was anither auld storey, but it
fell down long since."
THE Conversation at Holland House turned upon
first love. Tom Moore compared it to a potatoe,
"because it shoots from the eyes." "Or rather,"
exclaimed Byron, "because it becomes all the less by
paring.
GEORGE COLMAN, getting out of an hackney coach
one night, gave the driver a shilling. "This is a bad
shilling," said Jarvey. "Then it's all right," said George
with his inimitable chuckle; "yours is a bad coach.”
A CHAP from the country, stopping at one of our
hotels, being asked by the waiter whether he would
have green or black tea, replied he didn't care a darn
what color it was, if it had plenty of sweet'n in it.
✓
Ar a church in Scotland, two candidates offered
to preach, of the names of ADAM and Low. The
last preached in the morning and took for his text,
"Adam, where art thou?" In the evening Mr. Adam
preached, and, took for his text, "Lo I am here."
"
+48´ GINGER SNAPS 3300-
5
ܝܕ
A CONCEITED juvenile pulpit performer impor-
tuned the bishop of his diocese to allow him to preach.
"I have no objection to permit you," said the bishop,
"but nature will not."
A GENTLEMAN observed upon an indifferent pleader
at the bar, the other day, that he was the most affect-
ing orator that he ever heard, for he never attempted
to speak but he excited universal pity.
A CERTAIN reverend gentlemen of the city of
Edinburgh, dining with a friend, the lady of the house
desired the servant to take away the dish containing
the fowls, which she pronounced fools (as is sometimes
done in Scotland). "I presume, madam, you mean
fowls," said Mr. R-
very pompously. "Very well,
be it so," said the lady "take away the fowls, and
let the fool remain."
COLONEL M., of the cavalry was complaining, that
from the ignorance and inattention of his officers, he
was obliged to do the whole duty of the regiment. “I
am," said he, "my own Captain, my own Lieutenant,”
-"and Trumpeter, I presume," said a lady present.
A LADY having remarked that she thought there
should be a tax on the single state; "Yes madam,"
rejoined an old bachelor; "as on all other luxuries."
A GENTLEMAN observed one day to Mr. Erskine
that punning is the lowest sort of wit.
"It is so,"
answered he; "and therefore the foundation of all."
A YOUNG gentleman, being pressed very hard in
company to sing, even after he had solemnly assured
them that he could not, observed testily, they intended
to make a butt of him. "No, my good sir,” said
Colman, "we only want to get a stave out of you.".
✩
6
+9 GINGER SNAPS B3e-
THE editor who "did not mind his stops" introduced
some verses thus, "The poem published this week was
composed by an esteemed friend who has lain in his
grave many years for his own amusement."
A LADY buying a pound of tea, the merchant
said he would send it home. "Oh, no," said she
; it is
not inconvenient as it is light." Why," said he,
"it is as light as I could possibly make it."
"L
A SCOTCH blacksmith being asked the meaning of
metaphysics, explained it as follows:-"When the
party who listens disna ken what the party who speaks
means; and when the party who speaks disna ken
what he means himsell that is metaphysics."
A GENTLEMAN but a few months married, as be
was bearing home a cradle one day, was met by a
friend, who exclaimed with a smile "Ah! these are
the fruits of matrimony!" "No," returned the other,
"this is only the fruit basket."
A GENTLEMAN having called upon a friend with
whom he found two physicians, left at his departure
the following lines, scribbled on the back of a letter :
"By one physician might your work be done;
But two are like a double barrelled gun.
From one discharge sometimes a bird has flown,
The second barrel always brings it down."
FOOTE being annoyed by a poor fiddler, "straining
hard discord" under his window, sent him a shilling,
with a request that he would play elsewhere, as one
scraper at the door was sufficient.
SHERIDAN, scholar, wit, and spendthrift, being
dunned by a tailor to pay at least interest on his bills,
answered that it was not his interest to pay the prin-
cipal, nor his principle to pay the interest.
→→→ GINGER SNAPS 83+--
63
7
A LADY who had not been favoured with the most
harmonious voice would, nevertheless, attempt to sing.
A gentleman, one of the company, said to another,
"What does she call that ?" He replied, "The
Tempest, I think." On which a seafaring gentleman
present exclaimed, "Don't be alarmed;” it is no tempest,
it is merely a squall, and will soon be over."
WIEN the regulations of the Boston and Cambridge
Bridge were drawn by two famous lawyers,—one
section was written, accepted, and now stands thus:
"And the said proprietors shall meet annually on the
first Tuesday of June, provided the same does not fall
on Sunday.
CURRAN'S ruling passion was his joke. In his last
illness, his physician observing in the morning that
he seemed to cough with more difficulty, he answered,
"That's rather surprising as I have been practicing all
night."
THE following bill was lately presented to a farmer
in Sussex: "To hanging two barn doors and myself
seven hours, four shillings and sixpence."
THE Rev. Doctors H and M- were col-
leagues in the Old Church of Edinburgh. One Sunday,
Dr. M after a heavy rain, was standing before
the fire drying his clothes, when Dr. H- came in,
whom he requested to preach for him, as he had
escaped the shower. "Oh, by no means," replied the
doctor; "gang ye up to the poolpeet, ye'll be dry
eneuf there.'
A COUNTRYMAN going into a probate office where
the wills are kept in huge volumes on the shelves,
asked if they were all Bibles! "No sir," replied one
of the clerks, "they are Testaments.”
→ GINGER SNAPS &+
A CLERGYMAN, on reading the twenty-seventh
verse of the eighteenth chapter of the First of Kings,
incorrectly placed the emphasis, rendering the verse an
absurdity. And he spake to his sons, saying, saddle
me the ass, and they saddled him."
A GENTLEMAN having occasion to call upon an
author, found him in his study, writing. He remarked
the great heat of the apartment, and said, "It is as hot
as an oven." "So it ought to be," replied the author,
"for 'tis here I make my bread.”
AN author, who had given a comedy into the hands
of Foote for his perusal, called on him for his opinion
of the piece. Foote returned the play with a grave
face, saying, "Sir, depend upon it, this is a thing not
to be laughed at.
""
A FELLOW who was tried at Dublin, for some private
offence, received the following sentence,-Judge :—
The sentence of the Court is, that you be flogged from
the Bank to the Quay. PRISONER :-Thank you, my
Lord! you have done your worst-JUDGE:-And be
flogged back again.
A LADY advertises in a Glasgow paper that she
wants a gentleman "for breakfast and tea."
AT a wedding after the clergyman had united the
happy pair, an awful silence ensued; which becoming
rather irksome to a young gentleman, he cried out,
"You need not be so unspeakably happy."
A PROFESSOR lecturing upon heat, observed, that
one of its most conspicious properties was the power
of expanding all bodies. A student arose and asked,
"Is that the reason why the days in warm weather
are longer than those in cold ?”
+49 GINGER SNAPS 63+
9
A YOUNG gentleman who had quarreled with a
lady to whom he had paid his addresses, threatened to
publish the letters she had written him. "That,"
she replied, "would be truly vexatious, for though I
need not be ashamed of the contents, I certainly ought
to be ashamed of the direction.”
A PERSON had been relating many incredible
stories, when professor Engel, who was present, in
order to repose his impertinence, said, "But gentle-
men; all this amounts to very little, when I can assure
you, that the celebrated organist, Abbe Fogler, once
imitated a thunderstorm so well, that for miles around
the country, all the milk turned sour.”
WHEN Milton was blind, he married a shrew. The
Duke of Buckingham called her a rose. "I am no judge
of colours," replied Milton, "and it may be so, for I
feel the thorns daily."
A NEIGHRORING lawyer boasting that he was as
true as a scalebeam, a countryman coolly observed,
that "it was possible, for a lawyer always turns in
favour of the heaviest purse."
"THERE'S two ways of doing it," said Pat to himself,
as he stood musing and waiting for a job. "IfI save
me four thousand dollars I must lay up two hundred
dollars a year for twenty years, or I can put away
twenty dollars a year for two hundred years. Now,
which way will I do ?"
A CELEBRATED judge, who stooped very much
when walking, had a stone thrown at him one day,
which fortunately passed without hitting him. Turn-
ing to his friend, he remarked, "Had I been an upright
judge, that might have caused my death !"
10
+ GINGER SNAPS 63
TIE man that plays at once on the trumpet of fame
and the horn of a dilemma got his first idea of music
on hearing a lay-cock crow, while he was tying a
knot in a cord of wood.
THE Duke of Wellington's saying connected with
early rising, was, "Let the first turn in the morning
be a turn out."
A FRENCH wit said of a man who was exceedingly
fat, that nature only made him to show how the
human skin would stretch without breaking.
"PAT, you are wearing your stockings wrong side
outward." "Och, and don't I know it, to be sure-
there's a hole on the other side, there is."
"I BEQUEATH," said an Irishman in his will, "to
my beloved wife all my property without reserve, and
to my oldest son, Patrick, one-half of the remainder,
and to Dennis, my youngest the rest. If anything is
left it may go to Terrence McCarty."
"COME, Bill, it's ten o'clock, and I think we had
better be going, for it's time honest men were at
home."
"Well, yes," was the answer, "I must be off but you
needn't hurry on my account.'
"
AN old lady hearing somebody say "the mails
are very irregular," said, "It was just so in my young
days no trusting any of 'em !"
MOLLY was telling an absurd dream, when her
mistress exclaimed, "You must have been asleep when
you dreamed such stuff as that!" "No indeed, maʼam”
she replied tartly, "I was just as wide awake as I am
this minnte."
+8 GINGER !
11
SNAPS 33++
"Is your house a warm one ?" asked a man, in
search of a house, of the owner. "It ought to be, for a
painter gave it two coats recently."
A FELLOW had to cross a river, and entered the
boat on horseback ; being asked the cause, he replied,
"I must ride because I am in a hurry."
7
A BOY having complained to his father that Bill
had thrown the Bible at him, and hurt him on the
head, the father replied: "Well, you are the only
member of my family on whom the Bible ever made
the least impression."
A MAN was taken up for stealing some valuable
fancy ducks, and after a description of them, the
prisoner's attorney said, "Why, they can't be such a
rare breed, for I have some of them in my own yard.".
"Very likely," said the complainant ; "I have lost a
good many lately."
WHEN the Parliament began to coin money, an old
cavalier, looking on the new pieces, read this on one
side, "God be with us;" on the other, "The Common-
wealth of England." "I see," said he, "God and the
Commonwealth are on different sides."
"DID you pull my nose in earnest sir ?" "Certainly
I did sir." "It's well you did, for I don't allow
anybody to joke with me in that way.”
A PAPER out west says that one of their orators
spoke for a couple of hours-and was sensible to the
last!
"COME Bridget, get up! Here 'tis Monday morning.
To-morrow's Tuesday, next day's Wednesday -half
the week gone, and nothing done yet!"
12
→ GINGER SNAPS 63←←
An awkward man, in attempting to carve a goose,
dropped it on the floor.
(6
There, now !" exclaimed his wife, "we have lost
our dinner."
'Ono, my dear !" answered he, "it is safe, for I
have my foot on it."
SHERIDAN, being on a parliamentary committee, one
day entered the room as all the members were seated
for business. Perceiving no empty seat, he bowed,
and looking round the table with a droll expression
of countenance, said, "Will any gentleman move that
I may take the chair ?"
THE most dangerous bat that flies at night is the
brick Bat.
•
YE see, may't please yeas, that this man got a
stroke and fell down. Everybody round called out,
Ow, he's kilt! he's kilt! Thin I steps up, and I
hollied out to the crowd, If the man is kilt, why don't
yeas stand back and give him a leetle air?
·
"I wish you would pay a little attention, sir," said
a stage manager to a careless actor.
"Well, I am paying as little as I can," was the calm
reply.
"Attend your church," the parson cries.
To church each fair one goes;
The old go there to close their eyes,
The young to eye their clothes.
A MAN who got drunk at an election, sail it was
owing to his efforts to put down "party spirit."
"THIS Snow storm the boys regard as a joke," said
one to Dr. S., during a late storm. "Yes," replied
the Doctor, "and it is a joke that any one may see the
drift of."
+49 GINGER SNAPS 6300
13
A BA MIELOR, seeing the words "Families Supplied,"
over the door of a shop, stepped in and said he would
take a wife and two children
AN urchin remarked that the principal branch of
education in his school, was the willow branch: the
teacher having used up nearly a whole tree.
-+
ANY paper can publish the appointments after the
coming in of a new administration, but what paper
in the world is large enough to publish half the
disappointments.
►
A LEGAL wag calls his marriage certificate, "a writ
of attain'd her."
"PAY me that six-and-eightpence you you owe me,
Mr. Mulroony," said a village attorney. "For what?”
"For the opinion you had of me.” "Faith, I never
had any opinion of you, in all my life."
Ir you doubt whether to kiss a pretty girl, give her
the benefit of the doubt, and go in.
"My heavings, capting," said Mrs. Darby, "won't
that gun go off!"
"Madam," said the captain, "it has no place to
go to."
How many men can never see the point of a joke
because they are the butt of it.
"You say, Mrs. Smith, that you have lived with
the defendant eight years. Does the court understand
from this, that you are married to him ?"
"In course it does."
"Have you a marriage certificate ?"
"Yes, your honor, three on 'em-two gals and a
boy."
14
→→ GINGER SNAPS
"HAVE you any travelling inkstands ?" asked a lady
of a young stationer. "No ma'am, we have them
with feet and legs, but they are not old enough to
travel yet."
Two gentlemen were lately examining the breast
of a plough on a stall in a market place.
"I'll bet you a guinea," said one, "you don't know
what this is for."
"Done," said the other, "it is for sale." The bet
was won and the wager paid.
"CAPTAIN, I have caught a Tartar." "Fetch him
along then." "He won't come." "Come along your-
self and leave him." "I can't: he won't let me."
AN apothecary's boy was lately sent to leave at
one house a box of pills and at another six live fowls.
Confused on the way, he left the pills where the
fowls should have gone, and the fowls at the pill
place. The folks who received the fowls were aston-
ished at reading the accompanying direction, "swallow
one every two hours!"
"HEAR the words of instruction, my son, while you
are sober," said a sailor, "for it is not possible to be
taught when you are tight."
A BAKER has invented a new kind of yeast.
It makes bread so light that a pound of it weighs
only four ounces.
THE wheel of Fortune must have belonged origin-
ally to an omnibus; for it is continually "taking
up" and "putting down" people.
A CRITIC describes a lady vocalist's voice as being as
clear as a bell, and says one can see through it. Does
he mean that it is cracked?
→18 GINGER SNAPS 84-
15
TALLYRAND, the Prime Minister of Napoleon, was
disliked by Madame de Stael. It so happened that
Tallyrand was lame, and Madame cross-eyed. Meet-
ing, one day, Madame says: "Monsieur, how is that
poor leg?" Tallyrand quickly replied, "Crooked, as
you see.
A WAG who was asked to buy a Bank Note
Detector yesterday, said he would purchase it- if it
would detect a bank note in his pocket.
Said Anna's preceptor. "A kiss is a noun;
But tell me if proper or common," he cried ;
With cheeks of vermillion, and eyelids cast down,
Tis doth common and proper," the pupil replied.
A YOUNG gentleman, the other day, asked a young
lady what she thought of the married state in general.
"Not knowing, I cannot tell," was the reply, "but if
you and I were to put our heads together, I could
soon give you a definite answer."
Hook being told of the marriage of a political
opponent, exclaimed, "I am very glad to hear it.”
Then suddenly added, very compassionately, "And
yet I don't see why I should be, poor fellow, he never
did me much harm.'
"2
A SINGULAR old gentleman was presented with a
doctor's bill. After looking over its contents he
desired the collector to tell the M. D. that the medi-
cine he should certainly pay for, but he should
return the visits.
A BILL being brought before a legislative body for
the regulation of liquor dealers, a distinguished mem-
ber said, "Mr. Speaker I very much approve of the
bill. The dealers are all a set of knaves, I was one
myself for ten years.”
16
- GINGER SNAPS 64+
“WHAT did Mr. Hoke die of," asked a simple neigh-
bor. "Of a complication of disorders,” replied his
friend. "How do you describe such a complication,
my good sir ?" "He died," answered the other, "of
two physicians, an apothecary, and a surgeon."
A BARRISTER observed to a learned brother in
court, that he thought his whiskers were very unpro-
fessional. "You are right," replied his friend, “a
lawyer cannot be too barefaced."
A LADY desired Dr. Johnson to give his opinion of
a new work-she had written, and added that if it was
not suitable to publish she could bring out something
else as she had other irons in the fire. The Dr.
turned over a few leaves and replied, "I advise you,
madam, to put it where your other irons are."
AN auctioneer, at a sale of antiquities, put up a
helmet, with the following candid remark, "This,
ladies and gentlemen, is a helmet of Romulus the
Roman founder; but whether he was a brass or iron
founder, I cannot tell."
A YOUNG clergyman who possessed every requi-
site for the pulpit but a good voice, was told he would
certainly be elected as pastor of a certain congrega-
tion, for he had nobody's voice against him but his
own.
"I RISE, sir, for information," said a very grave mem-
ber of a legislature. "I am very glad to hear it,"
said a bystander, "for no man is in greater need of
it."
Lady. And so you are married, eh? Who did
you marry? Forgetful Snob.-Well, I married forty
thousand dollars; I forget her other name.
- GINGER SNAPS B300
17
J
"You have to work for a living, I s'pose," said a
white gloved young man to an honest mechanic,
"what is your trade ?" "A rope maker, at your ser-
vice," replied the worker.
IN the war of the revolution John Bull wasted a
great many balls, which the Yankees were piling up.
While doing so the British commander sent a message
to them, "We want balls; will you sell them ?" The
answer was, "we want powder; send us powder and
we'll return your balls."
A MERCHANT, examining a hogshead of hardware,
on comparing it with the invoice, found it all right,
except a hammer less than the invoice.
"Och, dont be troubled!" said the porter, "Sure
the boy took it out to open the hogshead with."
A YOUNG fop about starting down to New Orleans,
proposed to purchase a life preserver. "Oh you'll
not want it," suggested the clerk, "bags of wind won't
sink."
"MR. SMITH, you said you officiated in a pulpit;
do you mean by that that you preached ?" "No I
held the light for the man that did.” "Ah! the court
understood you differently. They supposed that
the discourse came from you." "No sir, I only threw
a little light on it." "No levity, Mr. Smith, stand
down."
A LADY of a celebrated physician, one day casting
her eye out of the window, observed her husband in
the funeral procession of one of his patients-at which
she exclaimed, "I do wish my husband would keep
away from such processions; it appears too much like
a tailor carrying home his work,"
18
9 GINGER SNAPS 6300
A MAN hearing of another who was a hundred
years old, said contemptuously: "Pshaw ! what a fuss
about nothing! Why, if my grandfather was alive
he would be a hundred and fifty years old."
"SARAH,” said a young man, the other day, "why
don't you wear ear-rings ?" "Because I havn't had my
ears pierced." "I will bore them for you, then."
"Thank you, sir; you have done that enough."
A GENTLEMAN sent a lad with a letter to the Post
Office, and money to pay the postage. Having
returned with the money, he said, "Guess I've done
the thing slick, I seen a good many folks puttin'
letters in the Post Office through a hole, and so I
watched my chance, and got mine in for nothing,"
Ar an agricultural dinner the following toast was
given "The game of fortune-shuffle the cards as
you will, Spades will always win."
"AN Irishman went to live in Scotland for a short
time, but didn't like the country. "I was sick all the
time I was there," said he, "and if I had lived there
till this time I'd be dead a year ago."
"SALLY," said a lover to his intended, "give us a
kiss, will you?" "No, I shan't," said Sally, "help
yourself."
"SON,” said a careful Quaker to a spendthrift, "thou
art a sad rake."
"Nay, father," replied the promising youth, "thou
art the rake, and I am the spreader."
REYNOLDS, the dramatist, observing the thinness
of the house at one of his pieces, said, "I suppose it is
owing to the war." "No," was the reply; "it's owing
to the piece."
- GINGER SNAPS 63+
19
A 1 ANKRUPT merchant says that his business
has been so bad that he could not pay his debts, even
if he had the money.
"A" said a pious Sunday School teacher, "ah,
Caroline Jones, what do you think you would have
been without your good father_and_mother?”
suppose mum," said Caroline, "I suppose, as I should
ha' been a horphan."
"I
DIGGS saw a note lying on the ground, but knew
that it was a counterfeit, and walked on without
picking it up. He told Smithers the story, when the
latter said, "Do you know, Diggs, you have committed
a very grave offence ?" "Why what have I done?"
"You have passed a counterfeit bill, knowing it to be
such," said Smithers.
A MANUFACTURER of parasols says, that the
height of impudence is taking shelter in an umbrella
store during a thunder-storm.
JOHN asked Julia if she would have him. “No,”
said she, "I will not have you ;" but before John could
recover from the shock, she archly put in, "you may
have me."
,,
THE editor of an Indiana paper says, "more villainy
is on foot." The man must have sold his horse and
carriage.
AN extravagant man having moved into a costly
mansion, remarked to a friend, "Now everything will
go on like clockwork." "Yes," was the reply,"it will
be tick, tick."
"WELL, Robert, how much did your pig weigh ?"
"It didn't weigh so much as I expected; and I always.
thought it wouldn't.”
1
20 *
→ GINGER SNAPS &
"DON'T stand there loafing," said a Professor at
Union College to three students.
·
"We're not loafing said one of them, "there are
only three of us, and it takes leaven to make a
loaf."
A YOUNG man, becoming engaged recently, was
desirous of presenting his intended with a ring, ap-
propriately inscribed; but being at a loss what to
have engraved on it, called upon his father for advice.
"Well," said the old man, "put on, 'When this you
see remember me.' The young lady was much sur-
prised, a few days after at receiving a beautiful ring,
with this inscription; "When this you see, remember
father."
""
"JENNY," said a Scotch minister stooping from his
pulpit, have ye got a peen about ye ?"
"Yes, minister."
"Then stick it into that sleeping brute o' a man o'
yours by your side.”
"I FEEL," said an old lady, "that I've got about
through with this world. I shan't enjoy much more
trouble."
A YANKEE doctor has contrived to extract from
sausages a powerful tonic, which, he says, contains the
whole strength of the bark. He calls it "sulphate of
canine."
A ROBBER who was seized for stealing snuff out of
a tobacconist's shop, by way of excusing himself,
exclaimed that he was not aware of any law that for-
bade a man to take snuff!
"THE politicians have thrown me overboard,” said
a diappointed, politician, "but I have strength enough
to swim to the other side.”
9 GINGER SNAPS &+
21.
"I SAY, my little son, where does the right hand
road go?" "Don't know sir; 'taint been nowhere
since we lived here."
A CHAPLAIN at a state prison was asked by a friend
how his parishioners were. "All under 'conviction,""
was the reply.
A WESTERN editor published a long leader on
"Hogs." A rival paper in the same village upbraids
him for obtruding his family matters upon the
public.
A GENTLEMAN who was rather impatient at table,
declared he wished he could manage without servants.
"Why not have a dumb waiter ?" suggested a friend.
"Because," returned the other, "I have tried them-
they don't answer.”
AN Irish fair one wrote to her lover, begging him
to send her some money. She added by way of post-
script "I am so ashamed of the request I have made
in this letter, that I sent after the postman to get it
back, but the servant could not overtake him."
A MAN was called upon to appear as a witness, and
could not be found. On the Sheriff asking where he
was, a grave, elderly gentleman rose up, and with
much emphasis said:
"My lord, he's gone."
"Gone! gone!" said the Sheriff; "where is he
gone ?"
"That I cannot inform you," replied the communi-
cative gentleman: "but he's dead."
"Do you like fish balls, Mr. Wiggins ?" Mr.
Wiggins, hesitatingly, "I really don't know, Miss, I
never recollect attending one.”
22
→
9 GINGER SNAPS 63
;
(
AN editor in Iowa has become so hollow from
depending upon the printing business alone for bread,
that he proposes to sell himself for a stove pipe, at
three cents a foot.
"I TELL you, said a warm friend of a newly elected
senator, to an old sober-sided politician, "your party
may say what you please, but you cannot deny that
Mr. C is a sound man."
"That's what we're afeard on; it's our opinion,"
said old bees wax, "that he's ALL sound."
An old man picked up half a dollar in the street.
"Old man, that's mine," said a keen-looking rascal.
"Did yours have a hole in it ?" asked the old gentle-
man. "Yes," replied the other, smartly. "Then it
is not thine," rejoined the old gentleman, "thee must
learn to be a little sharper next time."
"WHAT would you take,”said a chap lately to a wag-
gish friend, "to read the speeches which have been
delivered in Congress during the last winter ?"
"What would I take ?" responded the wag.
"Yes."
"I'd take about two years."
A PAISLEY manufacturer having by accident got a
cut across his nose, having no court-plaster at hand,
stuck on his unfortunate proboscis one of his_gum
tickets, on which was the usual intimation "War-
ranted 350 yards long."
"MOTHER sent me to ask you to come and take tea
with her this evening," said a little girl to her neigh-
bor. "Did she say at what time ?" "No ma'am ; she
only said she would ask you, and then the thing
would be off her mind."
GINGER SNAPS 630
23
DEAN SWIFT hearing of a carpenter falling
through the scaffolding of a house which he was en-
gaged in repairing, dryly remarked, that he liked
to see a mechanic go through his work promptly.
A GENTLEMAN who spoke of having been struck
by a lady's beauty, was advised to kiss the rod.
BANNISTER, coming into a coffee-house one cold
and stormy night, said that he never saw such a wind.
"Saw such a wind " replied a friend, "What was it
like ?" "Like !" answered Charles, "like to blow my
hat off!"
"Ir a naughty girl would hurt you, you would for-
give her, like a good girl, wouldn't you?" asked a
teacher of a little girl. "Yes, ma'am,” replied the
child, "if I couldn't catch her."
AN actor fell through a loose trap as he was leav-
ing the stage. Energing instantly afterward, he was
met with a hearty laugh, and the remark of a wag.
"I was sorry to see you descend to such clap-trap
manœuvres as that." "Yes," was his quick reply;
"but you'll admit I never undertake anything without
going through"
THERE is a man in the West who has moved so often,
that whenever a covered waggon comes near his house,
his chickens all march up and fall on their backs, and
cross their legs, ready to be tied and carried to the
next stopping place.
AN advertiser in one of the papers says he has a
cottage to let containing eight rooms and an acre of
land.
THE tobacco chewer is said to be like a grose in a
Dutch oven-always on a spit.
24
→→→→→→ GINGER SNAPS 63++
MANY public men consider themselves the pillars
of the State who are more properly the caterpillars,
reaching their high positions only by crawling.
POOR paymasters should learn wisdom from the
mosquito, who always settles his bill, the moment he
finds you.
THE fellow who took it coolly brought it back
slightly heated.
AN advertising doctor lately added a Nota Bene,´
that no letter would be opened unless it contained a
one pound note.
WHY is a restless sleeper like a lawyer? Be-
cause he lies on one side, and turns and lies on the
other.
THE first thing a man takes to in life is milk-the
last is his bier.
A YANKEE, according to the latest authority, sees
aqueducts in bubbling springs, buildings in stones,
and cash in everything.
WHAT one of the planets is supposed to have the
most specie? The moon; because she is continually
changing quarters.
ANOTHER relic of the classic ages was found in
Vermont lately, being a dog's collar, supposed to have
belonged to Julius Cæsar, from the fact of having his
name engraved upon it !
To make your trousers last, you must instruct your
tailor, when he builds you a suit of clothes, to make
your coat and waiscoat first, by which means he will
make your trousers last.
~~+89 GINGER SNAPS 6300
25
IN 1805, Dr. Nott, a very popular preacher, deliv-
ered a sermon in Brattle street Church, Boston.
Afterward, Josiah Quincy wrote this impromptu :
"Delight and instruction have people, I wot,
Who in seeing Nott see, and in hearing, hear Nott. >>
It is supposed by learned theologians, such as
Petros Camotor, that Adam entered the Garden of
Eden in the Spring. However that may be, it is cer-
tain he came out in the Fall.
A GIRL that has lost her beau may as well hang up
her fiddle.
A MAN in New Orleans is so upright in all his
dealings, that he wont sit down to eat his meals.
A FAT candidate for office in Alabama, who is
said to weigh 375 pounds, asks the people of his dis-
trict to try him.
LAUGII at no man for his pug nose-you can't tell
what may turn up.
A SCHOOLMASTER in the country advertises that he
will keep a Sunday school twice a week.
Ir is a popular delusion to believe that powder on
a lady's face has the same effect as in the pan of a
musket-assists her to go off.
THE most remarkable case of indecision we ever
heard of was that of a man who sat up all night, be-
cause he could not decide which to take off first, his
coat or his boots.
In what two cases are precisely the same, means
used for directly opposite purposes? Why, bars to
be sure. They are put on bank windows to keer
thieves out, and on jail windows to keep them in.
26
+9 GINGER SNAPS 61
A YOUNG lady is charged with having said, that if
a cart wheel has nine felloes, it's a pity if a pretty girl
like her can't have one.
A RETIRED schoolmaster excuses his passion for
angling by saying that, from constant habit, he never
feels quite himself, unless he's handling the rod.
When Sarah Jane, the moral Miss,
Declares it very wrong to kiss-
I'll bet a shilling I see through it :
The damsel fairly understood,
Feels just as any Christian should-
She'd rather suffer wrong, than do it!
WHAT gentleman can with any sense of propriety,
ask a fat woman to lean on his arm.
IT has been ascertained that the man who held on
to the last was a shoemaker.
A GOOD sermon is like a kiss. It requires but two
heads and an application.
A GENTLEMAN, whose daughter had married a man
by the name of Price, was congratulated by one of
his friends, who remarked,
"I am glad to see you have got a good price for
your daughter.”
A COMEDIAN recently applied for a letter, at a post
office, and was told there was forty cents to pay for it.
"I can't pay that," said he, "for I know what's in it."
"Well, how much will you give?" asked the post-
master. "Four sous is all it is worth to me,” said the
comedian. "L
'Well, take it then," replied the post-
master, "for I've read it, and it's only a love letter."
A CERTAIN editor in speaking of the miseries of
Ireland, says, "Ireland's cup of misery has been for
ages overflowing, and seems to be not yet full.”
1
→18 GINGER SNAPS 83++
27
THE Country member who so frequently rises to a
p'int of order, invariably sits down again to a quart
of "suthin wet."
A MAN very much intoxicated was sent to jail.
"Why did you not bail him out ?" inquired a bystander
of a friend. "Bail him out!" exclaimed the other ;
"Why you couldn't pump him out.”
"MA, if you will give me an apple, I will be good.”
"No my child, you must not be good for pay-you
ought to be good for nothing."
Ar a Sunday school examination, the teacher asked
a boy whether he could forgive those who wronged
him. "Could you." said the teacher, "forgive a boy,
for example, who has insulted or struck you?" "Y-e-e-s,
sir," replied the lad very slowly "I think,-I-could,
if he was bigger than I am.”
A MEDICAL man of the very old school, calls all
operations that are performed without the patient feel-
ing anything, "senseless operations."
"TOM-come, now tell us the biggest lie you ever
told in all your life, and you shall have a glass of
stout ?"
"A lie! I never told a lie in all my life."
"Draw that stout.
"
AN Irish paper concludes a biography of Robespierre
with the following sentence:- This extraordinary man
left no children except his brother, who was killed at
the same time."
A WAG says there is no danger of hard times among
the shoe-makers, because, every shoe is "soled" before
it is ready for the market.
28
→) GINGER SNAPS 63~~ans
AUNT Betsey tells a story of one of her near neigh-
bors, when she lived in the country, who was "meaner
than parsley." "Why," she says, "whenever he
happened to get hold of a half a dollar he would give
it such a squeeze, that the poor eagle would squeal
out."
A MELTING sermon being preached in a country
church, all fell weeping but one man ; who, being
asked why he did not weep with the rest, "Oh !”
said he, "I belong to another parish."
A WAG told us the other day, that "one half of
the lawyers live without a cause and die without
effect."
"I AM afraid you'll come to want," said an old
lady to her daughter:
"I have come to want already," was the reply, "I
want a nice young man."
"Do you keep pins and needles ?" inquired a strap-
ing fellow, the other day at a dry goods store.
"Yes," replied the store keeper, all sorts of needles
and pins."
"Well, then, I will have some ten pins and terra-
pins."
"WHAT did you give for that horse ?" inquired a
friend of the facetious Mr. B., as he was riding by.
"My note," was the significant reply; "wasn't that
cheap enough?”
“MR. JONES, you said you were connected with
the fine arts. Do you mean by that that you are
a sculptor ?"
"No, sir; I don't sculp myself, but I furnish the
stone to the man that does."
9 GINGER SNAPS 64
29
A DUTCHMAN in Albany, some time back went
out to his milkman in the street with a dish in each
hand, instead of one as usual. The dispenser of
attenuated milk asked if he wished him to fill both
vessels. The Dutchman, replied, suiting the action
to the word, "Dis is for the milluk and this for de watter,
an' I will mix them to shute myself."
A GENTLEMAN at the opera, the other night, in
sounding the praises of a new opera glass which he
had just purchased, said :
"Why, bless your soul, it brings the ladies on the
opposite side of the house so near, that I can smell the
musk on their pocket-handkerchiefs, and hear the
beating of their dear little hearts."
WALKING with Horn, not long since, we observed
a sign, warping and cracking from the heat and dry-
ness of the weather. The wag took notice of the
same, and immediately commenced surveying every
sign in the vicinity as if in perfect astonishment.
"What do you wonder at?" inquired we.
"Nothing," replied he, "only I have heard it said
that "all signs fail in a dry time."
A FRIEND of ours was travelling while afflicted with
a very bad cough. He annoyed his fellow travellers
greatly, till one of them remarked, in a tone of dis-
pleasure: "Sir, that is a very bad cough of yours ?”
"True, sir," replied our friend, "but you will excuse
me-it's the best I've got."
"SAM, what fish in the salt water weighs de least?"
"Why, Julius, what ignoramous questions you ax
yer bredren! Minims weigh de least of course."
“Ño, no, sah-dats wrong now i it am the porpus
weighs nothing-cos he's got no scales.”
30
Q
++ GINGER SNAPS 830
"PAP, I planted some potatoes in our garden," said
a smart youth to his father, "and what do you think
came up ?" "Why, potatoes of course." "No siree!
There came up a drove of hogs and ate them all."
AN aged friend in exhibiting a very complicated
lock to his better half, recently, remarked that there
was something the devil couldn't unlock. "What
made you get something you couldn't open yourself ?”
was the gentle reply.
WHEN David slew Goliath with a sling, the latter
fell stone dead, and of course was quite astonished, as
such a thing had never entered his head before.
While belles their lovely graces spread,
And fops around them flutter.
I'll be content with Anna Bread,
And won't have any but her.
An aunt of ours told us that one day meeting Leigh
Hunt, she in order to excuse her gravity, said "I
am very sad you see !" (Sadducee) The courtly wit
replied in order to compliment her beauty-You are
very fair I see !" (Pharisee.)
P
"MAY it please your honor," said a lawyer address-
ing one of the judges, "I brought this man from the
jail on habeas corpus."
"That's a good one!" said a fellow in an under tone,
who stood in the rear of the court. "I'm blow'd if I
didn't see him come here in a cab."
"WON'T you take my word, sir, when I tell you I
will call and liquidate your demand on Saturday
morning next?" said a delinquent debtor to a dun-
ning creditor, with whom he had sharp words, "No
sir," replied the other, "I had rather you would keep
your word.”
9 GINGER SNAPS 6300
31
THE servant of a Prussian officer one day met a
c.ony, who inquired how he got along with his fiery
master. "Oh, excellently," answered the servant, "we
live on very friendly terms, every morning we beat
each other's coats, the only difference, is that he takes
his off to be beaten, and I keep mine on."
The following advertisement appeared in an Irish
paper: "Whereas John Hall has fraudulently taken
away several articles of wearing apparel without my
knowledge, this is therefore to inform him that, if he
does not forthwith return the same, his name shall be
made public!"
AN Irish gentleman hearing of a friend having a
stone coffin made for himself, exclaimed: "By mesowl,
an' that's a good idee! Shure, an' a stone coffin 'ud
last a man his lifetime !"
THE following notice might have been seen some
time ago stuck up in a corset-maker's shop window in
Glasgow: "All sorts of ladies' stays here.”
PERSONS who are confined to their homes by illness,
and unable to earn bread for their poor families, will
find it profitable to go a fishing among the Islands in
the bay, says the editor of the "True Irishman.”
"WEIGH your words," said a man to a fellow who
was blustering away in a towering passion at another.
"They won't weigh much if he does," said the antago-
nist coolly.
A TAILOR'S apprentice, who seemed to be pained
a good deal with the cross-legged attitude, was asked
how he liked tailoring, to which he replied, "Very
well; but I believe, I shall never be able to stand
sitting."
32
S GINGER SNAPS Bloo
AT Springfield Mass., a lady sent the following.
volunteer toast :-"Spruce old bachelors the ever-
greens of society."
"Ir's a very solemn thing to get married," said
Aunt Bethany. "Yes, but it's a great deal more sol-
emn not to be," said her niece.
A GENTLEMAN was threatening to beat a dog who
barked intolerably.
"Why," exclaimed an Irishman who was present,
"would you beat the poor dumb animal for spakin'
out ?"
DR. DURBIN, the great Methodist orator, once
attempted to preach from the text. "Remember
Lot's wife," and made a failure. Afterwards, remark-
ing to Dr. Bond that he did not know the reason
of his failure, the venerable doctor replied that he
"had better thereafter let other people's wives
alone !"
-
A CELEBRATED actress, whose fresh smile and sil
very voice favoured the deception, always called
herself "sweet sixteen." She stated her age at six-
teen in a court room as a witness. Her son was
directly after placed on the stand, and asked how
old he was. "Six months older than mother," was the
honest reply.
"DIDN'T you guarantee, sir, that the horse wouldn't
shy before the fire of an enemy?"
"No more he won't; 'tisn't till after the fire that he
shies.'
"I AM certain madam that I am right and that you
are wrong; I'll bet my ears on it." "Indeed, sir, you
shouldn't carry betting to such extreme lengths.”
✰ GINGER SNAPS BJDom
33
MR. JUSTICE PAGE was renowned for his ferocity
upon the bench. While going circuit, a facetious
lawyer named Crowle was asked if "the judge was
not just behind." "I don't know," said Crowle, "but
if he is, I am sure he was never just before."
DURING the Revolutionary War the Earl of Dart-
mouth asked an American in London of how many
members the Congress consisted? To which the
reply was, "Fifty-two." "Why that is the number of
cards in a pack," said his lordship; "pray how many
knaves are there?" "Not one," returned the republi-
can; "please to recollect that knaves are court cards.”
AN editor became martial, and was created captain.
On parade, instead of "two paces in front—advance,”
he unconsciously bawled out, "Cash-two dollars a
year in advance !"
"FAITH," said an Irishman. who could not get into
his cabin at Ballingarry, his wife having turned the
key upon him, "faith its meeself that's regularly
locked in." "In," said his companion, "in where?"
"Why, in the street !”
A YOUNG Ensign of a Regiment, residing in a room
which was very small, was visited by one of his fash-
ionable friends, who, on taking leave, said: “Well,
Charles, how much longer do you mean to stop in
this nut-shell ?" To which he replied: "Until I
become a kernel."
Ir you should ever meet with an accident at table,
endeavor to be composed. A gentleman carving a
tough goose, had the misfortune to send it entirely
out of the dish into the lap of a young lady who sat
next to him, on which he looked her full in the face
and said, with utmost coolness, "Madam, I will thank
you for that goose !"
34
* GINGER SNAPS 830.
A SILOR in attempting to kiss a pretty girl, got
a violent box on his ear. "There," he exclaimed,
"just my luck; always wrecked on the coral reefs."
Ar a duel a second interfered, and proposed the
combatants should shake hands. To this the other
objected. "For," said he, "their hands have been shak-
ing for this half hour."
A FRIEND has presented us with the autograph of
the blacksmith who riveted the public gaze; also,
one of the timbers of the house that Forest "brought
down."
A SPEAKER at a stump meeting declared that he
knew no cast, no west, no north no south.
"Then," said a by-stander, "you ought to go to
school and learn your geography."
A ROBBER who was seized for stealing snuff out of
a tobacconist shop, by way of excusing himself, said
that "He was not aware of any law that forbade a
man to take snuff."
Is Miss Smith at home?" asked a gentleman of a
servant, who answered the call of the bell.
"I think not, sir; I'll go and ask her," was the
reply.
AN Irishman took off his coat to show a terrible
wound which he said he had received a few years
before. Not being able, however, to find the wound,
he suddenly remembered it was on his "brother
Bill's arm."
Ar a recent railway festival the following striking
sentiment was given :
"Our Mothers-the only faithful tenders who never
misplaced a switch.”
- GINGER SNAPS (10~
35.
AN innkeeper observed a postillion with only one
spur, and inquired the reason.
"Why, what would be the use of another ?" said
the postilion. "If one side of the horse goes, the other
can't stand still."
WHEN his cousin Charlotte Dunne was married,
Jones said, "It was Dunne before it was begun,
Dunne while it was doing, and it was not Dunne
when it was done."
WHO is that lovely girl?" said Lord Norbury, in
company with his friend, Counsellor Grant. "Miss
Glass," replied Grant. "I should often be intoxica-
ted, could I place such a glass to my lips," said Nor-
bury.
"YOUNG gentlemen, do not all of you go quite yet,
I want some one to carry a letter up town.' "Well,
Tom," says Dick, "you and I can go, and that will
leave one." "Yes," says Harry, "two from three
leaves one to carry."
"HUSBAND, I wish you would buy me some pretty
feathers." "Indeed my dear little wife, you look
better without them." "Oh, no," said she coaxingly,
"you always call me your little bird, and how does a
bird look without feathers ?"
A COUNTRY girl, coming from the field, was told
by her cousin that she looked as fresh as a daisy
kissed by the dew. "Well it wasn't any feller by
that name, but it was Sye Jones that kissed me. I
told him every one in town would find it out.”
"HAVE you ever broken a horse ?" inquired a
horse jockey. "No, not exactly," replied Simons,
"but I have broken three or four wagons."
36
~~•8) GINGER SNAPS 64+
DENTIST to his patient-"Hem, very odd-I must
have made some mistake; there's nothing the matter
with this tooth. Never mind, I'll try again.
Of
course, I won't charge you for pulling more than one
of them—no matter how many I take out."
A LAWYER Wrote "Rascal," in the hat of a brother
lawyer, who, on discovering it, entered a complaint
in open court against the trespasser, who he said, had
not only taken his hat, but had written his own name
in it.
A LEARNED young lady the other evening aston-
ished the company by asking for the "loan of a
diminutive, argentiferous, truncated cone, convex on
its summit, and semi-perforated with symmetrical .
indentations." She wanted a thimble.
"CALL that a kind man," said an actor speaking of
an absent acquaintance; a man who is always from
his family, and never sends them a farthing! Call
that. kindness ?"
"Yes, unremitting kindness."
:-
JULIUS Cæsar HANNIBAL, giving an account of
his sea voyage, says "All de passengers was now
heavin', and if that wasn't enough, the captain give
orders for de ship to heave to, and she hove to."
A WAGGISH spendthrift recently said, "Five years
ago I was not worth a cent in the world; now see
where I am through my own exertions !" "Well,
where are you? "Why, I owe more than $3,000 !"
A QUAKER once hearing a person tell how much
he felt for another who was suffering and needed as-
sistance, drily asked him, "Friend, hast thou felt in
thy pocket for him ?”
9 GINGER SNAPS 63+
37
A MISERLY bailiff, in England came into posses-
sion of a baronetcy, and, desiring an appropriate ·
"coat of arms," adopted one, representing a tin plate,
over which was placed a fork, signifying "fork over
the tin."
▼
A LADY wished a seat. A portly, handsome gen-
tleman brought one and seated her. "Oh, you are a
jewel," said she, "Oh no,” replied he. "I am a jew-
eller-I have just set the jewel."
WHEN a miser was asked what he gave to the poor,
he testily replied, "What I give is nothing to nobody."
"WELL you say you've put all my baggage safe, what
are you waiting for? I thought you were forbidden
to take money." Porter-"So we is sir, We never
'takes' it—it is 'given' to us !"
"PA, didn't you whip me for biting Tommy ?”
"Yes my child, you hurt him very much indeed."
"Well then, pa, you ought to whip mamma's music
teacher, too, for he bit mamma right in her mouth,
and I knew it hurt her, because she put her arms
around his neck and tried to choke him."
"WIFE, wife, what has become of the grapes ?"
"I suppose, my dear, the hens picked them off" was
her moderate reply. "Hens-hens-some two-legged
hens, I guess," said her husband with some impetu-
osity, to which she calmly replied, "My dear, did you
ever see any other kind ?"
"WELL, Mr. Robinson and how does your son get
on with his violin ?"
"Astonishingly; there were
fourteen of us playing together last night and he
took the lead." "Capital-admirable !" "Yes, and
he kept it so well that none of us could catch him ""
38
GINGER SNAPS 8300-
A
"SAM, I have lost my watch overboard-it lies in
twenty feet of water. Is there any way to get it ?"
"Yes, of course there is.”
"How, Sam ?”
"Why, divers' ways, to be sure."
AN Irishman being called to testify in Court, as a
witness, was told by the clerk to hold up his hand.
The man immediately held up his left hand. "Hold
up your right," said the clerk. "Please your honor,"
said the witness, still keeping up his left hand, "Please
your honor, I am left handed !”
"How does your newly purchased horse answer ?"
"I really don't know, for I have never asked him, a
question !"
"You told me, neighbor Twist, when I paid Tim
in advance, on his promising to work for me in hay-
ing time, that I should find him as good as his word.”
"To be sure I did, for I always knew his word was good
for nothing."
"WHAT'S o'clock ?" inquired a traveller. "Next to
nothing," answered his companion with great confi-
dence. "What do you mean ?" asked the traveller.
"Not quite one, and it follows in course that what isn't
one is next to nothing."
-
"PAT do you love your country ?" "Yes, yer
honor." "What's the best thing about ould Ireland,
Pat ?" "The whiskey your honor." "Ah, I see, Pat,
with all her faults you love her still.”
"GENTLEMEN," said a tavern-keeper to his guests,
at midnight, "I don't know whether you have talked
enough or not, but as for myself, I am going to shut
up."
→19 GINGER SNAPS 630
39.
A FASHIONABLE visitor thus addressed a little
girl :
"How are you, my dear ?”
"Very well, I thank you ?" she replied.
The visitor then added, "Now, my dear, you should
ask me how I am."
The child simply and honestly replied, "I don't
want to know."
THAT must be a very foolish, rash woman who will
put tubs out doors to catch soft water when it is rain-
ing hard,
"Ir I were so unlucky," said an officer, "as to
have a stupid son, I would certainly, by all means,
nake him a parson.
A clergyman, who was in the
company, calmly replied, "you think differently, sir,
from your father."
"FATHER, do ships make nails ?"
"No my son-
why do you ask?" Why, cos I heard our captain
say that the ship had made two tacks within the last
half hour."
Li
"HAVE you dined ?" said a lounger to his friend.
"I have upon my honor," replied he. "Then," replied
the first, "if you dined upon your honor, I fear you
have made a scanty meal."
A COUNTRYMAN sowing his ground, two smart fel-
lows came riding along that way when one of them
called to him in an insolent air:
"Well, honest fellow," said he, "it is your busi-
ness to sow, but we to reap the fruits of your hard
labor."
截
​To which the countryman replied, "it is very
likely you may, for I am sowing hemp."
40
GINGER SNAPS 8800
AN Irish recruit was asked by his officer, "What's
your height ?" to which Pat replied, "The man that
measured, told me it was five foot ten, or ten foot
five; I am not exactly sure which-but it was either
one or the other."
A CLOSE fisted fellow, treating a friend to some
old liquor, poured out a very small dose. The latter,
taking the glass and holding it above his head, remark-
ed rather sceptically-
"You say this is forty years old ?”
"Yes," replied the host.
"Then," replied our friend, "all I have to say is, that
it is very small for its age."
A LOAFER, on hearing that they charged five dol-
lars a day for board in California, said he would go
there and live, as he wished to get in some place where
he could get his board charged to him. He is not par-
ticular about the price,
K
GEORGE SELWYN once affirmed in company that
no woman ever wrote a letter without a postscript.
"My next letter shall refute you," said Lady G
Selwyn soon after received a letter from her ladyship,
when after her signature stood-"P. S. Who was
right you or I ??
"FATHER, are there any boys in Congress ?"
"No, my son, why do you ask that question ?"
"Because the papers said, the other day, that the
members kicked Mr. Brown's Bill out of the house."
A WAG says that once on a journey, he was put
into a sleigh with a dozen or more passengers, not
one of whom he knew, but on turning a short corner
the sleigh upset, and then said he "I found them all
out."
→ GINGER SNAPS B300
41
"Look here, Jim, there's a hole knocked out of
this bottle you gave me." "Why, not at all; there's
the hole in it now. If it was knocked out, how could
it be there ?"
✔
A YANKEE Captain once sung out in a squall to a
raw hand on board his craft-
"Let go the jib there! Darn your skin, let go
that jib !"
"I aint touching it !" squalled out the simple Down
Easter.
A GENTLEMAN who has for two years refused to
contribute anything towards the support of the Gos-
pel, recently surprised his friends by contributing to
the purchase of a bell for a new church. On being
asked the reason, he replied that he always put his
money where he could hear it ring.
A PREACHER in the "far West" gave out for his
text, a certain chapter and verse of Clover. The
deacon arose and told him it was Timothy.
was Timothy. “Oh,
yes,” replied the divine, "I knew it was some kind of
grass."
LORD BROUGHAM, in speaking of a man whose case
came before him at least twenty times, said he was
born unlucky, "and I believe, if he had ever fallen
upon his back, he would have broken his nose.”
AN Irish sailor once visited a city where he said,
"they copper bottomed the tops of their houses with
sheet lead." •
A NEGRO driver of a coach in Texas, stopped to
get some water for the young ladies in the carriage,
being asked what he stopped for, replied, "I am water-
ing my flowers.”
42
+9 GINGER SNAPS B-300-
"HAVEN'T you finished scaling that fish yet, Sam ?”
"No, master, 'tis a very large one." "Why, you have
had time to scale a mountain."
A MAN in Pawtucket, recently made application
for insurance on a building situated in a village
where there was no fire-engine. He was asked :
"What are the facilities in your village for extin-
guishing fires?" "Well, it rains sometimes," he
replied.
"JOSIAH, how many scruples are there in a drachm?"
"Don't know, zur." "Well, recollect there are two."
"O, there is, hay! Well daddy takes his dram every
morning without any scruples."
COLONEL C, who was head and ears in debt
when stationed at the Tower, was told by his servant
that a person wanted to see him on particular busi-
ness. Requiring a description of the announced, the
reply was, "A man of color.” "Oh, say no more,"
said the colonel, "I know what color-it is a dun."
The colonel happened to be right.
"I HAVE passed through great hardships," as the
schooner said after sailing through a fleet of iron-
clads.
Ir a picture is well hung, does it follow as a matter
of course that it is well executed?
SOME one says of a certain congregation, that they
pray on their knees on Sundays, and on their neigh-
bors the rest of the week.
THE oldest piece of furniture is the multiplication
table. It was constructed more than two thousand
years ago, and is yet as good as new.
•
+ GINGER SNAPS 8300
43
"Mr. SWIPES, I've just kicked your son William
out of my store." "Well Mr. Swingle, it's the first
Bill you've footed this many a day.
A GENTLEMAN presented a lace collar to the ob-
ject of his adoration, and, in a jocular way, said,
"Do not let any one else rumple it."
"No, dear,” said the lady, "I will take it off."
A SCHOOL BOY, being asked to define the word
"Admission,' said it meant twenty-five cents.
"Twenty-five cents !" echoed the master, "what sort
of definition is that ?" "I don't know," sulkily re-
plied the boy, "but I am sure it says so on the adver-
tisement down here at the show."
""
"WELL, wasn't that a finished scrmon we had this
morning?" asked one person of another, as they came
out of church together. "Finished!" was the reply,
"yes, it was finished at last, although I began to think
it never would be."
THE Prima Donna who "carried away her audience"
is earnestly and humanely requested to bring it back,
as there were several mothers in it who left babes at
home, that may want something.
AN editor getting tired of paying printers, resolved to
put his own shoulder to the wheel. Here is a speci-
men of his effort at setting type :
'wə tqiny eshyll do most or Our
tY Je hereefier-rinteaS ma
bem difioult To St tipe, buy we dOn' eXperienɔe
Buch diffiɔuLY.",
wn seating
Ly equ Ts
O
"I CAN marry any girl I please," said a young fellow,
boastingly. "Very true," replied his waggish con-
panion, "for you can't please any."
44
GINGER SNAPS 3300-
DEAN COWPER, of Durham, was very saving of
his wine one day; and descanting on the extraordi-
nary performance of a man who was blind, he remarked
that "the poor fellow could see no more than that
bottle," "I don't wonder at all," said Mr. Drake, "for
we have not seen more than that bottle this after-
noon."
Ir being hinted to a barrister, who was wearying
the court with a long and dull argument, that he
ought to bring it to a close, he angrily replied, "I will
speak as long as I please!" "You have spoken longer
than you please already," said his antagonist.
A GENTLEMAN on taking a volume of Gibbon's
Rome to be bound, was asked if he would have it
bound in Russia. "Oh, no," he replied, "Russia is too
far off. I will have it done here."
THE man who "couldn't stand it any longer," has
taken a seat.
AN editor compliments a brother editor thus: "Mr.
Brown is a clear thinker, a ready and vigorous writer,
and a first-rate fellow to boot.”
Ir makes a great difference whether glasses are
used over or under the nose.
A TEACHER of vocal music asked an old lady if her
grandson had any ear for music. "Wa'all," said the
old woman, "I really don't know. Won't you take
the candle and see?"
Ir we were asked what physician stood at the top
of his profession, we should say it was the gentleman
who was in the habit of attending "patients on a monu-
ment."
•89 GINGER SNAPS (30
45.
De
A LITTLE GIRL of four years old, was recently
called as a witness in a police court, and in answer to
the question as to what became of little girls who
told lies, she innocently replied that they were sent to
bed.
"PATRICK, you fool, what makes you steal after the
rabbit when your gun's not loaded?"
"Hush, me darlint, the rabbit don't know that."
A GENTLEMAN, whose counting-house had been his
altar, having failed in business, was asked what he
intended to do, and replied, "I shall stay at home
a while, and get acquainted with my family."
“Toм, you seem to gain flesh every day-the
grocery business must agree with you. What did you
weigh last?"
(6 Well, Simon, I really forget now, but it strikes me
it was a pound of butter."
THE individual who was "up to snuff," has come
down to tobacco.
AN Irish gentleman lately said to another: "I
called to see your family but they were not at home;
and I suppose they had gone to ride in a carriage
which was standing at the door."
"You labor over much on composition, Doctor,"
said a clergyman to an eminent divine. "I write a
sermon in three hours and make nothing of it."
"So your congregation say," quietly quoth the
Doctor.
"I WOULD do anything to gratify you; I would go
to the end of the world to please you," said a fervent
lover to the object of his affections. "Well, sir, go
there and stay, and I shall be pleased."
46
→ GINGER SNAPS 8++
9
"ARE you the mate of the ship ?" asked an emi-
grant of the cook, who was an Irishman. "No, sir;
I'm the man that cooks the mate."
THE first apple was eaten by the first pair.
PADDY'S description of a fiddle cannot be beat :
"It was the shape of a turkey, and the size of a goose;
he turned it over on it's back and rubbed its belly
with a stick; and och St. Patrick! how it did
squale !"
DID the man who ploughed the sea and afterwards
planted his feet on his native soil, ever harvest the
crops?
}
A LADY laying her hand on a joint of veal, said, “I
think, Mr. F. this veal is not as white as usual."
"Put on your glove, Madam," said the dealer, “and
you will think differently."
SOME people assert that they have seen a dog draw,
a horse fly, a bell pull, a coal smoke, a pail run, a-bun-
dance, a wheel-write, a rope walk, a rail fence, and a
hat box.
A CABINET MAKER having made a table for a cus-
tomer, who did not come after it for several years, thus
addressed him when at last he applied for it. "Sir,
you are the most un-com-for-table customer I have.
ever had!"
A CELEBRATED barrister retired from practice, was
one day asked his sincere opinion of the law. "Why,
the fact is," rejoined he "if any man were to claim
the coat upon my back, and threaten my refusal with
a lawsuit, he should certainly have it, lest in defending
my coat, I should lose my waistcoat also."
• GINGER SNAPS 8300-
47
“WILLIAM,” said a teacher to one of his pupils,
"Can you tell me why the sun rises in the east ?"
"Don't know, sir," replied William, "cept it be that
'east makes everything rise."
SOME seem to act upon the assumption that, if they
cheat a poor fellow out of his farm, he has no ground
for complaint.
SNUFF-TAKERS differ from all the rest of the world
for they turn up their noses at what they most ad-
mire.
A HIGH RENT.—A hole in the crown of your hat.
A DRUNKEN Dutchman by the name of Cain stag-
gering through the streets one day, was asked if he
was the man that slew his brother ?" "No," said he,
"I was the one that got slewed."
PETER says it is folly to tell a man that he must not
enlarge his debts when the poor fellow is doing all he
can to contract them.
"Do you see that fellow lounging there, doing
nothing?" said Owens to Jenks the other day. "How
does he live? by his wits?" "Oh, no; he's a canni-
bal !" "A cannibal !" "Yes, a cannibal-he lives on
other people!"
A LEVELER perceiving two crows flying side by side,
said, "Ay, that is just as it should be. I hate to see
one crow over another."
DON'T carry your handkerchief in your breast-
pocket. If you do you take a wiper to your bosom.
THE man who confines himself to the drink best for
him is well-supplied.
48
→→→→→ GINGER SNAPS 68++
"MR. SMITH! The hogs are getting into your
corn-field!" Never mind, Billy, I'm sleepy. Corn
won't hurt 'em."
A PERSON who was called into court for the pur-
pose of proving the correctness of a doctor's bill, was
asked by the lawyer whether "the doctor did not make
several visits after the patient was out of danger ?”
“No,” replied the witness, "I considered the patient
in danger as long as the doctor continued his visits."
"TELL your mistress that I've torn the curtain,"
said a lodger to the servant. "Very well, sir, mistress
will put it down as extra rent.”
"I SEE you are on the Watch," as the thief said to
the guard chain.
"MRS. BROWN, they say your husband follows very
crooked ways.” "Well, Mrs. Smith, that is not strange,
for when he was a boy he got so much in the habit of
chasing snakes, that he never could get over it.”
An old bachelor having been laughed at by a bevy
of pretty girls, told them that they were small potatoes.
"We may be small potatoes," replied one of the maid-
ens, "but we are sweet ones."
"HAVE you ground all the tools right, as I told
you this morning when I went away?" said a carpen-
ter to a rather green lad whom he had taken for an
apprentice. "All but the handsaw, sir !" replied the
lad promptly: "I couldn't get all the gaps out of
that."
"How do you like Shakespeare?" said a blue
stocking young lady to an old river captain. "Don't
like her at all, madam; she burns too much wood, and
carries too little freight."
* GINGER SNAPS 8300~
49
"How would you divide a drachm ?" asked one
printer of another. "Why," replied the other, "I
would drink one-half.”
THE old fogy who poked his head from "behind
the times," had it knocked soundly by a "passing
event."
An old lady, reading an account of a distinguished
old lawyer, who was said to be the father of the New
York bar, exclaimed: "Poor man! he had a dreadful
set of children."
"Do make yourselves at home, ladies,” said a lady
one day to her visitors. "I am at home myself, and
wish you were."
"OH, my dear sir," said a poor sufferer to a den-
tist, "that is the second wrong tooth you have pulled
out."
C
"Very sorry, sir," said the blundering operator,
"but as there were only three when I began. I am
sure to be right next time !"
Ir is a question worthy of careful investigation,
whether a person whose voice is broken, is not all the
more competent to sing "pieces."
THOMAS HOOD died composing-and that, too a
humorous poem. He is said to have remarked that he
was dying of charity to the undertaker, who wished to
urn a lively Hood.
AN imaginative Irishman gave utterance to this
lamentation:
I returned to the halls of my fathers by night, and
found them in ruins! I cried out aloud, My fathers
where are they? And echo responded: "Is that you,
Patrick McCarthy ?"
50
-+++$ GINGER SNAPS 8-
A YOUNG man, in company, descanting very flip-
pantly on a subject, his knowledge of which was
very superficial, the Duchess of Devonshire asked his
name. "Scarlet,” replied a gentleman who was stand-
ing by. "That may be," said her Grace, "and yet he
is not very deep read."
A PERSON inquiring at one of our railway-stations
what time the 7.45 train would start, was answered:
"At a quarter to eight." "Bless me," exclaimed the
inquirer, "you are always changing the time on this
line."
HUSBAND: "Mary, my love, this apple dumpling
is not half done." Wife: "Well, finish it then, my
dear.'
>>
A WINDY M. P., in a tedious oration, stopped to
imbibe a glass of water. "I rise," said Sheridan "to
a point of order." Everybody started in wonder what
the point of order was.
"What is it?" said the
speaker. "I think, sir," said Sheridan, "it is out of
order for a windmill to go by water."
THE strongest kind of a hinta young lady asking
a gentleman to see if one of her rings would go on his
little finger.
In the last illness of George Colman, the doctor
being late in an appointment, apologized to his patient,
saying that he had called in to see a man who had
fallen down a well.
"Did he kick the bucket, doctor ?" groaned out
George.
Iris the opinion of a Western editor that wood goes
further when left out of doors, than when well housed.
He says some of his went half a mile.
+ GINGER SNAPS -
51
DURING an examination, a medical student being
asked, "When does mortification ensue ?" he replied,
"When you pop the question, and are answered,
"No." "
A BACHELOR geologist was boasting that every
rock was familiar to him as the alphabet. A lady who
was present declared that she knew a rock of which
he was wholly ignorant. "Name it, madam," cried
Colebs. It is the rock cradle, sir," replied the
lady.
THE best adhesive plaster you can put on luggage
is to stick to it yourself.
TOM presented his bill to his neighbor Joe. "Why,
Tom, it strikes me that you made out a pretty round
bill here, eh?” "I am sensible it is a round one,”
quoth Tom, "and I have come for the purpose of get-
ting it squared !”
وز
IT has been said that pantaloons obtained on credit
are breeches of trust.
THERE is a young man in Vermont who feeds his
geese on iron filings, and gathers steel pens from their
wings.
TOM MOORE said to Peel, on looking at the picture
of an Irish orator: "You can see the very quiver of
his lips." “Yes,” said Peel, “and the arrow coming
out of it." Moore was telling this to one of his
countrymen, who answered: "He meant arrah coming
out of it."
SHOWMAN, can the leopard change his
"MR.
spots ?"
"Yes, sir, when he gets tired of one spot he can go
to another."
52
8
→→→→→ GINGER SNAPS 3+
THE young lady who took the eye of everybody, has
been arrested for stealing.
A MAN with one eye laid a wager that he (the
one-eyed) saw more than the other. The wager was
accepted. "You have lost," says the first; "I can see
two eyes in your face, and you can only see one in
mine.'
"Is there any danger ofthe boa constrictor biting?”
asked a visitor of a zoological showman. "Not the
least," replied the showman, "he never bites, he swal-
lows his wittles whole."
ON a recent occasion, as the marriage ceremony
was about to be performed in a church, when the
clergyman desired the parties wishing to be married
torise up, a large number of the ladies immediately
rose.
"HAVE you voted ?” said one gentleman, evidently
much in need of an office, to another in the same con-
dition.
"Woted ?" was the reply, "I haint done nothing
else. I've been wotin' all day."
"Ar!" said old Mrs. Doosenbury, "larning is a great
thing; I've often felt the need of it. Why, would
you believe it, I'm now sixty years old, and I only
know the name of three months in the year; and
them's spring, fall and autumn. I larnt the names of
them when I was a leetle bit of a gal !"
*
"ISAY, Pat," said a Yankee to an Irishman, who
was digging in his garden, "are you digging out a
hale in that onion bed ?”
"No," says Pat, "I am digging out the earth, and
leaving the hole."
GINGER SNAPS &
53
{
AN eminent artist lately painted a snow storm so
naturally that he caught a bad cold by sitting too near
it with his coat off.
"WILL you take something?" said a teetotaller
to a friend, while standing near a tavern. "I don't
care if I do," was the reply. "Well," said the teeto-
taller, "let's take a walk."
"MARTHA, what letter in the alphabet do you like
best ?"
"Well, I don't like to say, James."
"Pooh, nonsense! tell me right out; Martha, which
do you like best. ?"
"Well,” said Martha, dropping her eyes, "I like U
the best."
A YOUNG physician, asking permission of a lady to
kiss her, she replied; "No sir, I never like to have a
doctor's bill thrust in my face.
"HALLO, stranger you appear to be travelling."
"Yes, I always travel when on a journey."
"I think I have seen you somewhere."
"Very likely, I have often been there."
"What might be your name ?"
"It might be Sam Patch; but it isn't."
"Have you been long in these parts.”
"Never longer than at present-five feet nine.”
A TAILOR, who, in skating, fell through the ice,
declared that he would never again leave a hot goose
for a cold duck.
"JOIN," said a doting parent to her rather insatia-
ble boy, "can you eat that pudding with impunity ?"
"I don't know," replied young hopeful, "but I guess I
can with a spoon."
·
54
→ 8e-
↔ GINGER SNAPS 81++
A CHINESE boy, who is learning English, came
across the passage in his Testament, "We have piped
unto you, and ye have not danced, rendered it thus ;
"We have toot, toot to you what's the matter you no
jump ?"
((
WHEN Dr. H. and Sergeant A. were walking arm
in arm, a wag says to his friend.
"Those two are just equal to one highwayman.".
"Why so," was the response.
"Because," rejoined the wag, "It is a lawyer and
a doctor—your money or your life."
In the town of T -there was a shoemaker who at
times officiated as preacher. He always wrote the
notices himself, in order to save the expenses of
printing. Here is one of them: "There will be preach-
ing in the pines this Sunday afternoon on the subject,
'All who do not believe will be damned at three
o'clock.'
"""
Ar a wedding recently, the officiating priest put to
the young lady the home question,
"Wilt thou have this man to be thy wedded hus-
band ?"
The maiden dropped the prettiest courtesy, and with
modesty, replied, "If you please, sir."
DOBBS, on being questioned by the Court as to
whether he had ever been extensively engaged in the
hotel business, answered that he rather thought he
had, as he once "boarded a frigate and two sloops-of-
war."
"Ir," said an Irish apothecary, "you find three
tumblers of whiskey punch disagree with you over
night, don't take 'em till the next day, and then leave
'em off entirely."
9 GINGER SNAPS 630
55
 PHYSICIAN once advised Sydney Smith to "take
a walk upon an empty stomach.”
"Whose stomach ?" asked the wit.
A WAG, on hearing that a man had given up chim-
ney sweeping, expressed surprise, as he thought that
business sooted him.
"OH, just look out o' the window, Mr. Editor, and
see that string of men and boys with poles on their
shoulders. What do you suppose they are after ?"
"They are after fish in the pond, I presume." "No sir,
They are all one after the other."
"WHAT are you fencing the pasture for? Forty
acres of it would starve a cow." "Certainly, and so
I am fencing it to keep my cows out."
"WAKE up here, and pay for your lodging," said
a deacon, as he nudged a sleepy stranger with the
contribution box.
A LAWYER asked a Dutchman in court what ear
marks a pig had, that was in dispute. "Vell, he has*
no ear marks except a very short tail."
A LONDON witness having told the magistrate he
was a penman, was asked in what branch of literature
he wielded his pen, and he replied that he penned
sheep in Smithfield market.
LAW is like a seive; you may see through it but
you must be considerably reduced before you can get
through it.
A SEAMAN, who had escaped a dreadful shipwreck
on the coast of Maine, was asked by a moral lady
how he felt when struggling. "Wet, Madam, vety
wet."
56
GINGER SNAPS B3+
A DIVINE informed a sailor that the devil was
chained up. "How long is the rope?" "Oh," was
the dignified reply, "it extends over the world."
"Does it?" rejoined Jack; "if so, the lubber might as
well be loose."
A SCOTCH peasant girl said to her brother, she
"could na see what it was that made him gang so
often and stay so late to see one lassie; for her part,
she had rather have the company of one lad than
twenty lassies."
"MADAM, you said your son was a lawyer-has, he
much practice?" "Why, yes, sir, he has a great
practice of smoking cigars."
DURING the examination of a witness as to the
locality of the stairs in a house, the counsel asked him,
"Which way did the stairs run ?"
The witness, who by the way is a noted wag, replied,
that, “One way they ran up, but the other way they
ran down."
Mrs. Chibbles.-"Oh ! good Mr. Sailorman, do you
think there is any fear ?" Old Salt.-"Sartin, marm,
sartain ; lots o' fear, but not a bit o' danger !"
AN Irishman was challenged to fight a duel, but
declined on the plea that he did not wish to leave his
ould mother an orphan.
A NEGRO once gave this toast: "De late gubnor
of the state; he came in with little opposition, him go
out with none at all."
A YOUNG man who had received a "blowing up"
from his sweetheart, retorted by calling her a wind-
lass.
+49 GINGER SNAPS (3*——–
6300
57
A FRIEND of ours the other day was accosted in one
of our streets with the words, "Do you know the time,
sir ?" Upon which he pulled out his watch, and
after consulting it, returned it to his pocket, coolly
replying to the interrogative, "Yes, sir, I do," and then
walked off.
GENERAL ZAREMBA had a very long Polish name:
The King having heard it, one day asked him, good-
humoredly, "Pray, Zaremba, what is your name ?"
He repeated the whole name. "Why," said the
King, "the devil himself never had such a naine.”
"I should presume not, sire, replied the General ; “he
was no relation of mine."
A FELLOW not on good terms with his boots, had
the impudence to remark that he could sell them
easily enough, because they had been half soled
once.
IF a man reap "whatsover he soweth," what a har-
vest of coats and breeches the tailors will have one of
these days!
THE woman who undertook to scour the woods has
abandoned the job, owing to the high price of soap.
The last that was heard of her she was skimming
the seas.
A YOUNG gentleman who had just married a little
beauty, says, "She would have been taller, but she is
made of such precious materials that Nature couldn't
afford it."
Ar a late convention a stout delegate was accosted
by a small delegate, "Delegate, sir?" "Yes sir ?"
"Which wing do you belong to ?" "Wing? Jehosa
phat! Why, sir, I am the whole bird !"
·
58
GINGER SNAPS 64+
A SAILOR being asked how he liked his bride, is
reported to have remarked: "Why, d'ye see, I took
her to be only half of me, as the parson says, but dash
me, if she isn't twice as much as I. I'm only a tar
-she's a tartar."
A COCKNEY conducted two ladies to the Observa-
tory to see the eclipse of the moon. They were too
late; the eclipse was ever and the ladies were disap-
pointed. "O,"exclaimed our hero, "don't fret. I know
the astronomer very well; he is a very polite man,
and I am sure will begin again."
A CONVICT who was about to be sent to the House
of Correction, was told they would set him to picking
oakum, "Let 'em try,” said he, "I'll tear the thing to
pieces !"
A FRIEND of ours was congratulating himself upon
having recently taken a very pleasant trip. Upon
inquiry, we found that he had tripped and fell into a
young lady's lap.
"HALLO, Jake, where did you buy those fish ?"
"I didn't buy 'em!"
"Well, where did you get them ?”
"I HOOKED 'em."
A WRITER speaks of a hut so miserable that it
didn't know which way to fall, and so kept standing.
This is like a man that had such a complication of dis-
eases that he didn't know which to die of, and so lived
on.
A GENTLEMAN of Alabama was lying in bed one
morning, when a friend stepped in, and said: "Brown,
breakfast is coming on." "Let it come," said Brown,-
with a look of defiance. "I'm not afraid of it.”
~ GINGER SNAPS 30-0
59
T
A "Hoss" doctor in Olean, made a bet of twenty
dollars that he could remove from any horse anything
nature had not placed on the beast--meaning ring-
bone, spavin, etc. A wag took the bet, showed him a
mortgage for one hundred and fifty dollars on a favor-
ite horse, and pocketed twenty dollars.
GRE
""
A RUSTIC went into the shop of a Quaker to buy a
hat, for which twenty-five shillings was demanded.
He offered twenty. "As I live," said the Quaker, "I
cannot afford to give it to thee at that price.' "As
you live," exclaimed the countryman, "then live more
moderately." "Friend," said the Quaker, "thou shalt
have the hat for nothing. I have sold hats for
twenty years and my trick was never found out till
now.
AN Irish pedagogue recently informed his pupils
that the feminine gender should be applied to all ships
and vessels afloat, except mail steamers and men-of-
war.
"WHY don't you limit yourself?" said a physician
to an intemperate person: "set down a stake that
you will go so far and no farther." "I do,” replied
the other, "but I set it so far off, that I always get
drunk before I get to it."
A FELLOW was told that three yards of cloth, by
being wet, would shrink one quarter of a yard. "Well,
then," he inquired, "if you should wet a quarter of a
yard, would there be any left ?"
"Do you like novels ?" asked Miss Fitzgerald of her
backwoods lover.
"I can't say," he replied, "I never ate any; but I
tell you I'm death on possum."
· 60
GINGER SNAPS 63++
A WOMAN appeared in the court of Louisville,
recently to be appointed guardian for her child, when
the following colloquy ensued: "What estate has
your child?" "Plaze your honor, I don't understand
you." Judge I say, what has she got ?" "Chills
and faver, plaze yer honor."
AN apothecary, who is continually troubled with
the inquiry for the time, was asked the other day,
"Please sir, tell me what time it is!" "Why, I gave
you the time not a minute ago !" said the astonished
apothecary. "Yes, sir," replied the lad, "but this is
for another woman !"
"I GUESS you mean to bring up that ere one to be
pretty sharp at a bargain," said a fellow to a woman,
who was rocking and singing with all her might to a
little responsibility.
"Why?"
"Cause you keep bawling by low, baby by low, baby,
into his ears all the time.”
"IN my time, Miss," said a stern aunt, "the men
looked at the women's faces, instead of their ankles !"
"Ah, but my dear .aunt," retorted the young lady,
"you see the world has improved, and is more civil-
ized than it used to be. It looks more to the under-
standing."
"BOB, is that dog a hunter ?” "No; he is half
hunter and half setter-he hunts bones when he is
hungry, and sets by the fire when he is satisfied."
A TRAVELLER stopped at an inn to breakfast, and
having drank a cup of what was given him, the ser-
vant asked what will you have, tea or coffee! To
which the traveller answered:
9 GINGER SNAPS 630
61
"That depends upon circumstances. If what you
gave me last was tea, I want coffee. If it was coffee,
I want tea-I want a change."
f
"Ir appears to me," said a small apple-faced man,
"that they make a great deal of fuss about this fel-
low, Shakespeare! I'd just like to know what it is all
about! Why, if it wasn't for his writings he never
would have been heard of "
AN advertisement, setting forth the many conve-
niences and advantages to be derived from metal win-
dow sashes, among other particulars, observed,
"these sashes will last for ever; and afterwards, if
the owner has no further use for them, they may be
sold for old iron."
A YOUNG lady having called out an ugly gentleman
to dance with her, he was astonished at the con-
descension, and believing that she was in love with
him, desired to know why she had selected him from
the rest of the company. "Because, sir,” replied the
lady, "my husband commanded me to select such a
partner as should not give him cause for jealousy."
A PHILOSOPHER who had married a vulgar but
amiable girl, used to call her "Brown Sugar;" because
he said, she was sweet, but unrefined.
A PHILOSOPHER who had studied out almost
everything, says he is satisfied that the reason why
girls are in the habit of pouting out their lips is because
they are always willing that theirs should meet yours
half way.
"MANY of our merchants advertise that we can
buy of them "at cost." When we make the trial we
find that we may buy of them at very great cost.
62
→ GINGER SNAPS 8+
M
"CAN you give two sixpences for a shilling ?" asked
a little boy of a grocer's clerk.
"Certainly," said the clerk, handing out two six-
penny pieces.
"Well," said the boy, picking up the sixpences and
turning to go out, "mother says she will send you the
shilling to-morrow."
WHEN we inquired of a friend a few days since
what business he now followed he replied, "Dentistry
-the insertion of teeth in roast beef and bread and
butter."
"Do you know the prisoner, Mr. Jones ?" "Yes,
to the bone." "What is his character ?" "Didn't
know he had any." Does he live near you?" "So
near that he has only spent 5s. for firewood in eight.
years."
*
A DOCTOR Ordered one of his patients to drink
flower of sulphur and water. The patient expressed
his disgust by significant grimaces. "It is only the
first glass that is hard to drink," said the doctor.
"Then," rejoined the invalid, "I will begin with the
second."
A GASCON officer who had served under Henry
IV., King of France, not having received any pay for
a considerable time came to the king, and confidently
said to him, “Sire, three words with your Majesty-
money or discharge." "Four with you," answered
his Majesty, "neither ONE nor t'other."
'WHERE are you going?" said a Scotch gentleman
to a thief, whom he observed crawling through a hole
in the hedge into his garden. "Back again !" replied
Sawney, as he hastily retreated.
9 GINGER SNAPS 830
63
THE captain of a privateer, who had been in an
engagement wrote to his owners that he had received
but little damage, having only one of his hands
wounded in the nose.
THE saying that "there is more pleasure in giving
than receiving," is'supposed to apply chiefly to "kicks,
medicine and advice."
THE meanest man in the world lives in London.
He buttons his shirt with wafers, and looks at his money
through a magnifying glass.
A MAN named Stone, exclaimed in a bar-room, "I'll
bet I have the hardest name in the company." "Done,"
said one of the company; "what is your name?”
"Stone,” cried the first. "Hand me the money," said
the other, "my name is Harder,"
A SERVANT, Sweeping out a room, found a six-
pence, which he carried to its owner.
"You may
keep it for your honesty," he said. Shortly after, he
missed his gold pencil case, and inquired of the ser-
vant if he had seen it. "Yes, sir," was the reply. "And
what did you do with it ?" "Kept it for my honesty
sir !"
A PAPER chronicles as lost, "a new silk umbrella,
belonging to a gentleman with a curious carved ivory
head."
"SHALL I have your liand," said a New York ex-
quisite to a belle, as the dance was about commencing.
With all my heart," was the soft response.
A VIRGINIA paper describes a fence, which is made
of such crooked rails, that every time a pig crawls
through he comes out on the same side.
64
→→
48 GINGER SNAPS 83++
A PHYSICIAN stopped at the shop of a country
apothecary, and inquired for a pharmacopeia. "Sir,"
said the apothecary, "I know of no such farmer living
about these parts !"
"Au, my good fellow," said one man to another,
slapping him familiarly on the shoulder, “you are one
of the men we read of!”"
"How so?" inquired the other. "Where did you
read of me ?"
"In the police report."
"PLEASE, sir," said a poor bewildered Benedict,
"you're marrying me to the wrong woman."
"Never mind," replied the minister, "you can settle
that afterwards."
JERROLD went to a party at which a Mr. Pepper
had assembled all his friends. Jerrold said to his
host, on entering the room, "My dear Mr. Pepper,
how glad you must be to see all your friends mus-
tered !"
AN old unloved Deacon, in his last hours, was
visited by a neighbor, who said: "Well, Deacon, I
hope you feel resigned in going." "Y-e-e-s," said the
Deacon, "I-I think I-I am resigned." "Well," said
the other, "I thought it might be consoling to you to
know that all the neighbors are resigned also."
1
A DUTCHMAN thus describes an accident: "Vonce,
a long while ago, I vent intos my abble-orchard, to
climb a bear-tree to get some beaches to make vrow a
plum-budding mit; and ven I gets on the tobermost
branch, I vall from the lowermost limb, mit von leg
on both sides of the fence, and like to stove mine out-
side in."
GINGER SNAPS Br
65
THE man who undertook to blast his neighbor's
prospects, used too short a fuse, and got blown up
himself.
"JOHN, I fear you have been forgetting me," said a
bright-eyed girl to her sweetheart the other day.
"Yes, Sue, I have been for getting you these two
years."
A GENTLEMAN the other evening objected to play-
ing cards with a lady, because he said she had such a
winning way about her.
Ir oranges can be purchased at twenty-five cents a
piece, how much would a whole one cost?
A YOUNG lady explained to a printer the other day
the distinction between printing and publishing, and,
at the conclusion of her remarks, by way of illustra
tion, she said, "You may print a kiss on my cheek, but
you must not publish it."
"Ir all the world were blind, what a melancholy
sight it would be," said an Irish clergyman.
LEIGH HUNT was asked by a lady, at a dessert, if
he would not venture on an orange. "Madam, I
should be happy to do so, but I am afraid I should
tumble off."
IN Cork, the crier of the Court anxious to disperse
the crowd around the bar, exclaimed, "All ye black-
guards that isn't lawyers, quit the Court !"
A CONSCIENTIOUS person affirms that he once in
his life beheld "people minding their own business.”
This remarkable occurrence happened at sea, the
passengers being too sick to attend to each others'
concerns.
66
- GINGER SNAPS &
SOME descendant of Solomon has wisely remarked,
that those who go to law for damages are sure to get
them!
"I DO declare Sal, you dew look pretty enough to
eat." "Wall, Solomon, aint I eating as fast as I can,"
replied Sal, with her mouth full.
AN Irish jockey elated with his success at winning
a race, observed, "By my shoul, I'm first at last; I've
always been behind before."
DOGS are said to "speak with their tails."
Would it be proper to call a short tailed dog a stump
orator?
A DENTIST at work in his vocation always looks
down in the mouth.
THE editor who kissed his sweetheart, saying,
"Please exchange," is believed not to have exceeded
the proper liberty of the press."
A GENTLEMAN, in his eagerness at the table to
answer a call for some apple pie, owing to the knife
slipping on the bottom of the dish, found his knuckles
buried in the crust, when a wag who sat opposite him,
very gravely observed, whilst he held his plate, "Şir,'
I'll trouble you for a bit, while your hand isin."
""
A SICK 'man slightly canvalescing, recently in con-
versation with a pious friend, congratulating him
upon his recovery, and asking him who his physician
was, replied, "Dr.- brought me through." "No,
no," said his friend. "God brought you out of your
illness, not the doctor." "Well," replied he, "may be
he did, but I am certain the doctor will charge me
for it."
+ GINGER SNAPS BB0
67
A DOMESTIC newly engaged presented his master
with a pair of boots, the leg of one of which was
much longer than the other. "How comes it, that
these boots are not of the same length ?" "I really
don't know, sir ; but what bothers me most is, that the
pair down stairs are in the same fix."
"DOCTOR, mother sent me down to the shoticary
pop quicker'n blazes, cos bub's sick with the picken
chox, and she wants a thimbleful of poly golic in this
din tiper, cos we hadn't bot a gottle, and the kint
pup's got the bine witters in it-Got any?"
Two well-dressed shoemakers being in the company
of some gentlemen, were asked their profession; says
one of them, I practice the heel-ing art," "and I," says
the other, “labor for the good of men's soles.”
A JUDGE being challenged by a Senator, the fol-
lowing dialogue ensued: Senator "Did you receive
my note, sir!" "Judge-Yes, sir."
"Well, do you
intend to fight me ?" "No, sir."
"Then, sir, I
consider you a pitiful coward." "Right, sir; you
knew that well, or you never would have challenged
me."
THERE was a deacon in New Hampshire by the
name of Day-by trade a cooper. One Sunday, he
heard a number of boys playing in front of his house,
and went to stop their Sabbath breaking. Assuming
a grave countenance, he said to them, "Boys, do you
know what day this is ?" "Yes, sir," immediately
replied one of the boys, "Deacon Day, the cooper !”
AN officer being intoxicated, an old soldier observed
that he was afraid there was something wrong at
head quarters.
68
GINGER SNAPS 8700-
A SHORT time since, an officer who was sent to
summon a Mrs. Thayer, alias Burnett, to attend
court, made a return that he had summoned Mrs.
Thayer, but "Alias Burnett" could not be found in
his precinct.
GORDON CUMMING, the great lion slayer, was
telling Rogers, one day, how he once came unarmed,
upon a huge lion. "Thinking to frighten him, I ran
at him with all my might," said the hunter. "Where-
upon," said Rogers, "he ran away with all his mane,
I suppose?" "Exactly so," said Cumming.
A RUNAWAY thief having applied for work to a
blacksmith, the latter showed him some handcuffs, and
desired to know if he ever made any of them.
"Why, yes, sir," said the other scratching his head,
"I've had a hand in them.”
"My dear Amelia," said a dandy, "I have long
wished for this opportunity, but hardly dare speak
now, for fear you will reject me; but I love you;
say you will be mine! Your smiles would shed," and
then he came to a pause; "your smiles would shed,"
and then he paused again.
"Never mind the wood-shed," replied Amelia, "go
on with the pretty talk."
A MAN named Brown has been arrested at Galena
on a charge of bigamy. "He loved not wisely, but
two well."
An advertisement appears in a western paper which
reads as follows:
“Run Away—a hired man named John, his nose
turned up five feet eight inches high, and had on a
pair of corduroy pants much worn.
JGINGER SNAPS 6-3-
69
"My dinner don't agree with me," said a man to
his wife, after an extraordinary heavy meal.
"I don't blame it, my dear, I saw you jawing it so
hard."
"Do you enjoy good health, Zachary ?”
"Why, yaze, to be sure, who doesn't ?"
QUAINT old Fuller says-
"Let him who expects one class of society to pros-
per in the highest degree while the other is in distress,
try the experiment whether one side of his face can
smile while the other is pinched."
ONE of the best hits ever made at an impropriety
in a lady's dress, was made by Tallyrand. During the
revolution, when asked by a lady his opinion of her
dress, he replied, "it began too late and ended too
""
soon.
AT a north country inn the boots being called, a
lad in rustic attire presented himself.
"Well, are you the boots?"
The youth replied, "No, I'm stockings sur."
The traveller not exactly pleased with the answer,
asked him, "What do you mean by stockings, you
impertinent snapper ?"
"Wha, sur," said the boy with an unaltered coun-
tenance, "I'm under the boots, so ha must be the
stockings, sur."
Young Wife-"You say, Mr. Brownless, you havn't
any money; neither have I. What in heaven's name
will we do for dinner ?"
Husband-wildly
"What shall we do for dinner?
ha ha! I know. Go fry the goldfish and roast the
canary."
70
+49 GINGER SNAPS 8+++
A YOUNG lady at Newport, who was about leaving
the gay and festive scene which the parlors of the
"Ocean" presented, with the intention of retiring for
the night, turned to her friend and remarked :
"Well, Mary, I've seen all the clothes, and every-
body has seen mine, so I shall now go up stairs.
Good night."
"DID you ever go to a military ball ?" asked a lisp-
ing maid the other night of an old veteran of Jack-
son's, army of '15.
"No, my dear," growled the old soldier, "in those
days I had a military ball come to me—and what d’ye
think? it took my leg off."
“I BELIEVE,” said a tall representative from a coun-
try town, "that I am one of the tallest members in the
House."
"Yes," added a fellow representative, "and one of
the slimmest, also."
An old gentleman says that he is the last man in
the world that would tyrannise over his daughter's
affections. So long as she marries the man of his
choice, he don't care whom she loves.
"DIDN'T you tell me, you could hold the plough ?"
said a farmer to a green Irishman whom he had taken
on trial, "Arrah, be aisy now!" said Pat. "How
can I hold it, and two horses drawing it away from me.
But give it to me in the barn, and be jabers, I'll hould
it with anybody!"
1
"DON'T you think tight lacing bad for the con-
sumption, doctor ?" asked a young lady of her phy-
sician. "Not at all," said the doctor; it is just what
it feeds on."
+ GINGER SNAPS -
71
AN old Greenland seaman could believe crocodiles
shed tears, for he had seen whales blubber.
A TAILOR, who had made a gentlemen's coat and
vest too small, was ordered to take it home and let
them out. Some days after, the tailor told the gen-
tleman that his garments happening to fit a coun-
tryman, of his, he had let them out at a shilling per
week.
A TEUTONIC individual at work for a certain busi-
ness firm out West, had occasion to leave town. Ac-
cordingly he was paid off and requested to give a
receipt in full. He took the pen in hand, and after
hard scratching, produced the receipt, which read as
follows: "I ish full. I wants no more money,-JOHN
TWACKHAMMER."
་་
"A COFFIN," said an Irishman, "is the house a man
lives in when he is dead."
"Do you mean to say that you can relate occur-
rences at the time of your birth, from your own
recollection ?" The laugh which began against the
witness turned upon the judge, as the former replied:
"Why, sir, I cannot exactly say that I remember
every particular, but I can assure your honor I was
there!"
A FRIEND wants to know when the man who
stopped up all night is going to take the plug out.
A MAN praising porter, says it was so excellent a
beverage that it always made him fat.
"I have seen the time,” said another, "when it made
you lean."
"When ?" asked the eulogist.
"Last night, against a wall ?”
*
72
-**) GINGER SNAPS &
AN Irishman trying to put out a gas-light with his
fingers, cried out, "Och, murther, the devil a wick's
in it."
A PLEA for old cheese-Mite is right.
As cold weather approaches it is proper for benevo
lently inclined persons to present the poor with cords
of wood, for their gifts will be recorded above.
AN honest farmer thus writes to the chairman of an
English Agricultural Society: "Gentlemen please put
me down on your list of cattle for a bull."
Ar a shop window in Drury Lane there appears
the following notice-"Wanted two apprentices, who
will be treated as one of the family." May their ap-
petites be small!
"MR. JENKINS, will it suit you to settle that old
account of yours ?”
"No, sir, you are mistaken in the man-I am not
one of the old settlers !"
WANTED to know. The address of the fire when it
goes out.
Whether the edge of a sharp wind is
keener than a cutting satire. Whether a treble
singer does three times as much as another. And
whether a lawyer ever fainted under the burden of
conveying a house.
"MADAM, can you give me a glass of grog ?" said a
traveller in Arkansas, as he entered a cabin on the
road-side. "I ain't got a drop, stranger." "But a
gentleman told me just now that you had received a
barrel." "Why, good gracious! What do you reckon
one barrel of whiskey is to me and my children when
we are out of milk."
+9 GINGER SNAPS 61
73
In a tavern in a small town sat a farmer, who was
plagued and bantered by a number of guests who were
present.
"Well," said the farmer at last, I've got the best of
.all you."
"How so?" asked all.
"In me you have only got one fool, while in you
I've got over a dozen."
SOME one called Richard Steele the "vilest of man-
kind." He retorted with proud humility, "It would
be a glorious world if I were."
A LEMONLESS Irishman was observed one evening
slicing a potato into his hot whiskey toddy.
"What are you about ?" Charley inquired.
"It's punch I'm making, dear," quietly replied Pat.
"But what are you slicing that in for ?"
"To give it a flavor."
"What, a potato flavor ?”
"Sure, and isn't it a flavor, whether it's a limon or
pitaty ?"
"I HAVE come for my umbrella," said the lender
of one of these articles, on rainy day to his friend.
"Can't help that,” exclaimed the borrower. "Don't
you see that I am going out with it ?”
"Well-yes,-replied the lender astonished at such
outrageous impudence ; "yes, but-but-but what am
I to do ?"
•
"Do?" replied the other, as he threw up the top,
and walked off; "do as I did-borrow one.
>>
A DWARF said to a giant, "we have equal rights ?”
"Very true, my good fellow," replied the giant, "but
thou canst not walk in my shoes. "Nor thou in mine,”
said the dwarf,
"74
→→89 GINGER SNAPS zer
KO
AN Emeralder, in writing his life says:
"He ran away early from his father, because he dis-
covered he was only his uncle."
"MOTHER, this book tells about the angry waves
of the ocean. Now what makes the ocean get angry?"
"Because it has been crossed so often my son.
""
“I HOPE to live to see the day," said Lord Brough-
am, "when every peasant in England can understand
Bacon." "His lordship," replied "Cobbett, "had much
better hoped to see the day when every peasant would
be able to eat bacon."
A LADY of not very amiable temperament, rudely
discharged her servant girl. "I will not only send you
away," said she, "but will not even allow you to refer
to me for a character."
"Thank you, ma'am," said the girl, "the only favor
I can ask you is, that you will never mention my
having lived with you, for if you do, I fear no one else
wil give me a place.”
A WIFE complained to her husband that he sat up
late at night.
"That is the last thing I do, my dear," was the
reply."
WHAT is the occasion of the bell ring, Tom ?"
"Well, it was occasioned by somebody at the end
of the rope.'
""
THIS sentiment was given at a printers's festival
held in honor of Franklin's birthday:
Printers and Bookbinders-May they be pressed
with business, stitched with friendship, backed with
good cloth, and bound to suit an exacting public.
+ GINGER SNAPS 830–
75
A COACHMAN, who drove two miserable horses,
styled his vehicle the Regulator. A brother whip
called out the other day, while passing him-
"I say, Tom, don't you call your coach the Regula-
tor ?"
"Yes, I do,” replied the other.
"Ay, and a very proper name it is," resumed Jehu.
"Why so?"
*
"Why, because all the other coaches go by it.”
THE hanging question is thus summed up: "After
a careful consideration of all the arguments for and
against capital punishment, we have come to the con-
clusion that the 'debt of nature' can never be paid, if
it can't be collected without an execution."
WHEN Sir William Hamilton announced to the
Royal Irish Academy his discovery of the central sun
-the star on which our orb of day and his planetary
attendants revolved-a waggish member exclaimed,
"What! our sun's sun? Why, that must be a grand
sun ?"
"A BUCK, while being measured for a pair of boots,
observed,
"Make them cover the calf.”
"Heavens," exclaimed the astonished shoemaker,
surveying his customer from head to foot, "I have not
leather enough."
THE Turkish Ambassador at London was at a public
dinner, in company with some of the magnates of
the land, but, of course, drank no wine. The Presi-
dent gave as a toast, in compliment to his Excellency,
"The Sublime Porte and the Turkish Ambassador.”
A waiter echoed it down the table, "A supply of Port
for the Turkish Ambassador."
76
→) GINGER SNAPS 830+
""
THE man in jail who looked out of the window of
his cell and exclaithed, "This is a grate country,
is now generally admitted to have spoken within
bounds.
THE phrase, such a man is a brick, had its origin
thus:
An Eastern Prince on being asked, "Where are
the fortifications of your city ?" replied, pointing to
his soldiers, “Every man you see is a brick.”
SOME person was asked why B stood before C?
Because, was the answer, a man must B before he
he can C.
A PROFESSOR at a university was lately displaced
because he regulated the astronomical clock to keep
mean time.
Two friends were conversing the other day con-
cerning a young lady named Joy whom they thought
very beautiful, but who seemed decidedly averse to
changing her name. One said, "Is it not strange she
does not marry ?"
"Not at all," was the reply; "she will never wed."
"Why not, pray ?"
1
"Because her favorite poet forbids it. Does not
Keats say
A thing of beauty is a Joy forever?'"'
HORNE TOOKE being asked by George III whether
he played cards, replied: "No your Majesty; the fact
is, I cannot tell a King from a knave."
ONE old Irish dame asked another, touching some
person recently deceased, the following question :
"Eh, dear. Judy, alannah, iv what did he die ?"
"Ayeh, den," replied Judy, "he died iv a Tuesday,
I'm tould."
+
→ 64
GINGER SNAPS 6300
77
1
THERE is a good story of a Quaker who was charged
the exorbitant sum of seventeen dollars for a horse
and buggy for a short drive, and on being presented
with the bill simply remarked, "Thou mistakest me.
I did not wish to purchase thy establishment, but only
to hire it."
THE deacon of a church upon whom a new pastor
had been settled, was praising his many good quali-
ties to the deacon of a neighboring church. He de-
clared that the new minister had but one fault in the
world, and that was a propensity to become a little
quarrelsome when he was drunk.
HOGARTH once having invited his friends to dine,
painted upon the table a pie, a knife and fork, and
underneath the Greek characters, representing, Eta
Beta Pi.
TO CURE DYSPEPSIA, take a new axe, put a white
hickory handle in it, bore a hole in the top of the
handle, fill the hole with gum camphor, and seal it up.
Then take the axe and cut cord wood until the heat of
the handle dissolves the camphor.
A PHYSICIAN boasting at a dinner that he cured
his own hams, when one of his guests remarked
-"Doctor, I would sooner be your ham than your
patient."
C
THE gentleman so often spoke of in novels, who
riveted people with his gaze, has obtained employment
in a boiler manufactory,
"WELL, I have lost my lawsuit !" exclaimed a lady,
with a sigh. "Oh, mamma, how glad I am," said her
child, "that you have lost it; for it tormented you
awfully."
78
GINGER SNAPS Zer
EARLY on a cold morning a travelling profile cutter
called at the house of a wag, and inquired if he wanted
a profile taken.
(6
Yes," was the reply, "I want yours taken from my
door."
"I NEVER shot a bird in my life, said some one to
a friend, who replied, "For my part, I never shot any
thing in the shape of a bird, except a squirrel, which
I killed with a stone, when it fell into the river and
was drowned."
"My horse, sir ? Why, I'll wager it to stand still
faster than yours can gallop!"
THE hen never jokes when she lays her egg. She
is always in her nest.
A YOUNG and pretty lady, riding in the cars, was
observed to have a piece of "court plaster" on her lip.
When the car had emerged from a covered bridge,
into light, it was observed to have disappeared ; but
was detected clinging to the lip of the young man who
sat on the seat with her! They both looked as inno-
cent as if they "hadn't been doing nothin'."
AN old bachelor is a traveller on life's railroad,
who has entirely failed to make the proper connec-
tions.
A YOUNG lady returning late from the opera, as
it was raining ordered the coachman to drive close
to the side, but was still unable to step across the
gutter.
"I can lift you over it," said coachy.
"Oh, no, I am too heavy," said the sweet miss.
"Lor, miss, I'm used to lifting barrels of sugar," re-
plied John.
+ GINGER SNAPS 8300~
79
A POOR Irishman, who applied for a license to sell
ardent spirits, being questioned as to his moral fitness
for the trust, replied-
"Ah, sure it's not much of a character that a man
needs to sell rum."
"
'JIMMY, are your folks all well?”
"Yes, ma'am, all but Sally Ann."
"What's the matter with her ?”
"O, nothing particular-only she had the hoopin'
cough once, and she haint never got over it. The
cough aint any account now, but she has the Hoop
desperate."
WHEN a subscription was proposed for Charles
James Fox, and some one was observing that it would
require some delicacy, and was wondering how Fox
would take it.
“Take it ?” observed Selwyn, "why, quarterly to
be sure."
A COUNTRY cousin remarking to an English friend
that a storm was brewing, the cockney said that he
supposed the storm, would be an 'ail-storm.
A YOUNG thief, who was charged the other day
with picking pockets, demurred to the indictment, "he
had never picked pockets, but had always taken them
just as they came.
"You probably have more rascality on board this
trip than you have ever carried before."
"Why," asked the driver.
"You have Commodore Moore along," was the
reply.
(
'Ah, General," says the driver, "I just heard Com-
110dore Moore, make the same remark, but it was on
your account."
80
• GINGER SNAPS B3+
WILLIS describes a sheet of blotting paper from
Washington Irving's desk as "the door mat on which
the thoughts of Irving's last book had wiped their
sandals as they went in."
"AH," said Seraphine Angelico, speaking on some
subject in which her feelings were warmly enlisted,
"how gladly I would embrace an opportunity."
"Would I were an opportunity !" "interrupted her
lover.
Or all the political repartees one of the happiest
was that of Sheridan, who, on being reproached by
Pitt as forming a drag-chain on the wheels of govern-
ment bounded up with the reply, that for once he
could compliment the minister on the correctness of
his allusions, since the drag-chain was never imposed
but when the vehicle was going down hill !"
"THE greatest organ, in the world some old bache-
lor says, "is the organ of speech in a woman; it is an
organ without stops."
"How many knaves do you suppose live in this
street beside yourself!"
"Besides myself! Do you mean to insult me ?"
"Well, then how many do you reckon including
yourself ?"
Ar a celebration in Keokuk, one of the speakers
remarked that, "in 1837, it was a nest of pirates,” and
directly afterwards added, "Keokuk has held her own
remarkably well for twenty years past."
"DOCTOR," said a man to a physician, "my daugh-
ter had a fit this morning, and continued for half an
hour without knowledge or understanding." “Oh,”
replied the doctor," never mind that-many people
continue so all their lives."
·
GINGER SNAPS B30
81
"SAM, did you see Mr. Jenkins, the new over-
seer ?"
"Yes, massa, I met him by the cotton-gin."
“He's a good looking fellow, isn't he ?”
"Well, massa, he talks like a good looking man-he
made a bow, dats all he said."
"JONATHAN, where were you going yesterday,
when, I saw you going to the mill ?"
"Why, I was going to the mill, to be sure.”
"Well, I wished I'd seen you, I'd got you to carry
a grist for me."
"Why, you did see me, didn't you ?"
"Yes, but not until you got clean out of sight."
"Do you believe in second love, Mister McQuade ?”
"Do I belave in second love? Humph! if a man buys
a pound of sugar, isn't it swate? and when it is gone,
don't he want another pound, and isn't that swate
too? Troth, Murphy, I belave in it."
A PERSON who had been listening to a very dull
address, remarked that everything went off well-es-
pecially the audience!
"PETER, what are you doing to that boy ?" said a
schoolmaster. "He wanted to know if you take ten
from seventeen how many will remain ; so I took ten
of his apples to show him, and now he wants I should
give them back." "Well, why don't you do it
then ?" "Coz, sir, he would then forget how many
is left !"
A YOUNG lady stepped into a store of a merchant
by the name of Wade, and very innocently said she
would like to be weighed (Wade.) "Really, I am
very sorry," said he, "but my wife will tell you that
you are too late a couple of years."
82
→ GINGER SNAPS 83+
MISTER, did you say or did you not say what I said
you said, because G. said you said you never did say
what I said you said; now if you say that you did not
say what I said you said, then what did you say.
THE most polite parts of a ship are the bows and
gallant yards.
"I WONDER," said Sambo, "why de sun no shine dis
dark night an' not always keep shinin' in de day time,
wen dare's no need ob him."
LET a young woman take the degree of A B, that
is A Bride, and she may hope in due time to be en-
titled to that of A. M.
"
"WELL," said a carpenter, "of all the saws, I ever
I never saw a saw saw as I saw that saw saw.
saw,
COMING from the pulpit after a heavy sermon, a
popular minister said to his favorite deacon. "Dea-
con, I'm very tired." "Indeed," replied the deacon,
"then you will know how to pity us.”
AN Irish preacher once broke off the thread of his
discourse, and said to his hearers, "My dear friends,
let me tell you, that I am half through with my ser-
mon; but seeing your impatience, I will say that the
remaining half is not more than a quarter as long as
that you have heard.”
A BREEDER of Shanghies says, that one of these fowls
when eating corn takes one peck at a time.
An exchange paper says: "Never let people work
for you gratis. Two years ago, a man carried a bun-
dle for us, and we have been lending him two shillings
a week ever since."
→3 GINGER SNAPS 63+
83
1
A GREEN youth who had crossed the Atlantic,
told a story of a storm when the rain poured down
in torrents that the ocean rose six inches. "There is
no mistake," said he, "because the captain kept a mark
on the side of the vessel."
A NEWLY married gentleman and lady riding in a
chaise were unfortunately overturned.
A person
coming to their assistance, observed it was a very
shocking sight. "Very shocking indeed," replied the
gentleman, "to see a newly married couple fall out
so soon."
A VILLAGE doctor went out to visit a patient in a
neighboring hamlet, and took with him his gun, that
he might wing any game he encountered on crossing
the fields. A peasant meeting him on the way, asked
him whither he was going.
"To see a patient," was the answer.
"What then,” said the peasant, "do you really fear
to miss him in the ordinary way, that you take your
gun with you to make sure of him ?"
A YOUNG lady, severely interrogated at court by an
ill-natured counsel, observed, that she never before
understood what cross-examination was.
"ARE my steaks, ready, fellow ?" bawled a buck at
an eating-house.
"No," replied the waiter, "but I perceive your
chops are."
BLACKSMITHS are, more or less, given to vice,
Carpenters, for the most part, speak planely, but they
chisel when they can get a chance. Not unfrequently
they are bores, and often annoy one with their old
saws."
84
9 GINGER SNAPS 6
“SMALL thanks to you sir, for what you said in my
case," said a defendant to one of his witnesses.
"Ah, sir,” replied the witness, "just think of what I
didn't say."
"BRIDGET, I told you to fetch the pump, and I
thought you did it ; but it's as dry as ever.
64
Sure, marm, iven't I been tugging away at it this
half hour, and can't lift it for the life of me !"
A NOBLEMAN observing a large stone, lying near
his gate, ordered his servant, with an oath, to send
it to purgatory.
"If," said the servant, "I were to throw it to heaven
it would be more out of your way."
"WHERE was John Rogers burnt to death ?" said
the teacher to me in a commanding voice. I couldn't
tell-to the next-no answer.
Joshua knows,"
""
said a little girl at the foot of the class. "Well," said the
teacher, "if Joshua knows, he may tell." "In the fie-r,'
said Joshua, looking very solemn and wise."
A CLERGYMAN was rebuked by a brother of the
cloth, a few days ago, for smoking. The culprit replied
that he used the weed in moderation. "What do you
call moderation ?" asked the other. "One cigar at a
time," replied the offender.
A GOOD story is related of a doctor, who had a
patient that was strongly attached to his cups, and
when he found him near his end, he sought to break
the news to his wife in a gentle way, by telling her
that her husband would probably soon be in the
world of spirits"
"And won't he be glad when he gets there ?" she
said, “for sure he never could get enough here ?”
49 GINGER SNAPS 8300
85
"JOHN, did you find any eggs in the old hen's nest
this morning?"
"No, sir, if the old hen has laid any, she has mislaid
them."
“My dear sir,” said an electioneering acquaintance,
accosting a sturdy wag on the day of election. "I'm
very glad to see you. "You needn't be-I have
voted,"
""
A COXCOMB, talking of the transmigration of souls,
said, "in the time of Moses I have no doubt I was the
golden calf."
"Very likely," replied the lady, "time has robbed
you of nothing but the gilding."
A YOUNG lady; engaged to be married, and getting
sick of the bargain, applied to a friend to help her to
untie the knot before it was too late. "Oh, certainly,"
he replied, "it's very easy to untie it now, while it's
a beau knot."
THE Marquis d'Harcourt walking arm-in-arm with
Voltaire, a person took off his hat to the marquis, who
returned the salute. "Why did you bow to that fel-
low," says Voltaire, "he is one of the greatest black-
guards of the day." "What of that ?" replied the
marquis," "I would not allow a blackguard to out-do
me as a gentleman.”
"THERE now," cried a little girl, while rummaging
a drawer in a bureau-"there! Gran'-pa has gone
to heaven without his spectacles; what will he do ?"
Morro for a neutral paper.-All talk and no
sider.
A TRAVELLER in the desert describes the Simoon
as if it were an air-apparent.
1
86
~S GINGER SNAPS 3+
"MY SON," said a man of doubtful 'morals, putting
his hand upon a young urchin's shoulder, "I believe
Satan has got hold of you." "I believe so too,” was
the reply.
PROMISSORY NOTES-Tuning the fiddles before
the performance begins.
ON a benefit night, at the Dublin Theatre, many
particular friends of the actor were let in at a private
door, before the great doors were opened, which,
when discovered, a gentleman cried out, in a passion :
"It's a shame they should fill the house full of people
before anybody comes."
A PICKPOCKET is said to have been doing a good
business on the lines of a railroad out West, by going
into a car, refusing to pay his fare, and picking the
conductor's pocket as he is putting him off.
Ir is no misfortune for a nice young lady to lose
her good name if a nice young gentleman gives her a
better.
"WHY is it, husband, that whenever we send for a
pound of tea or coffee to the grocer, it falls an ounce
short ?" "Oh, it's just a weigh he has.”
RAISING provisions for the war-planting cannon.
THE following notice appeared on the west end of
a meeting-house: "Anybody sticking bills against
this church, will be prosecuted according to law or
any other nuisance.”
妻
​"I WISH that boy belonged to me,” said old Roger.
"What would you do for him ?"
"I'd p-p-'point his funeral for the day after to-mor-
row, and I'd s-s-see that he was r-r-r-ready.”
GINGER SNAPS 6
87
"WILL you keep an eye on my horse, my son, while
1 step in this store ?"
"Yes, sir.",
Stranger goes in, comes out and finds his horse mis-
sing.
"Where is my horse, boy ?"
"He's runn'd away, sir."
"Didn't I tell you to take care of him
you young
scamp ?"
"No, sir; you told me to keep my eye on him, and
I did, till he got clean out of sight !"
"Now, waiter, what's to pay ?" "What have you
had, sir ?” “Three fish." "Only brought up two,
sir." "I had three-two trout, and one smelt.”
THE friends of a wit expressed some surprise that,
with his age and his fondness for the bottle, he should
have thought it worth while to marry.
"A wife was necessary," he said; "they began to
say of me that I drank too much for a single man.
""
:
THERE is a current belief that a wolf is never more
dangerous than when he feels sheepish.
A LITTLE boy, five years old, while writhing under
the tortures of the ague, was told by his mother to
rise up and take a powder she had prepared for him.
"Powder ! powder " said he raising himself on one
elbow and putting on a roguish smile, "Mother, I aint
a gun!"
"I LIKE you," said a girl to her suitor, "but I can-
not leave home; I am a widow's only darling; no
husband can equal my parent in kindness." "She is
kind," replied the wooer, "but be my wife-we will
all live together, and see if I don't beat your mo-
ther !"
88
3 GINGER SNAPS 83++
A SOLDIER being asked if he met with much
hospitality while he was in Ireland, replied, "that
he was in the hospital nearly all the time he was
there."
S
A PAPER giving an account of Toulouse, France,
says, "It is a large town, containing 60,000 inhabi-
tants built entirely of brick !"
A YOUNG fellow, the son of an eminent dancing
master, applying to a friend as to what trade or pro-
fession it would be best for him to pursue, was an--
swered, "I think you cannot do better than follow the
steps of your father."
"I SUPPOSE," said a quack, while feeling the pulse
of his patient, "that you think me a humbug.""Sir,"
replied the sick man, "I perceive you can discover a
man's thoughts by his pulse."
Boy.
Teacher.-"How many axes are there?"
"Broad axe, narrow axe, post axe, axe of the
Legislature, axe of the Apostles, and axe my pa!”
"HARRY, did you ask Hicks for that money ?”
"Yes." "What did he say ?" "Nothing-he just
kicked me into the road. That is all he said."
A PLAYER performing the Ghost in Hamlet, who
was badly hissed, put his audience in good humor by
stepping forward and saying, "Ladies and gentleman,
I am extremely sorry my efforts do not suit you; if
you are not satisfied I must give up the Ghost."
AN officer in battle happening to bow, a cannon
ball took off the head of a soldier who stood behind
him, "You see," said he, "a man loses nothing by
politeness."
GINGER SNAPS 83+
89
THE object of supporting a candidate-to secure
his Good Offices.
AN honest farmer looking over a bill found, "To
1 lb. Tea"-"To 6 lb. ditto." He went to his wife and
said, "Here is a pretty charge? What on earth
have, you done with so much ditto ?" She declared
she never had any ditto in the house in her life. So
back the farmer posted to the store and reported, and
received an explanation. On his return his wife ask-
ed him if he had learned what it meant. "Yes,"
said he, "it means I'm a darned old fool, and you
are ditto."
DIGBY met a friend who is terribly given to fib-
bing, and accosted him thus: "Been to church to-day,
Jones." "No," was the quick response; "I've been
on the bed nearly all day." "Just as I expected,"
chimed in Digby, "you're always lying,"
We have a legal document, before us closing with
the words, "given under my hand and seal." That's
what we call an underhand piece of business.
OUR proof reader complains because, as he says,
though he is not in jail, he is confined in a house of
correction."
DIGBY seeing it stated that rents were going up
sagely remarked, "then there'll be no more use for
sewing machines."
"How is the market, neighbor ?" "Very quiet.”
"Anything doing in cheese ?" "Not a mite."
“FATHER,” said a lad, "I have often read of peo-
ple being poor but honest; why don't they sometimes
say rich but honest?" "Tut, tut, my son," replied
the father, "Nobody would believe them."
90
GINGER SNAPS 63+e—
We were asked the other day what kind of a vehi-
cle a Hurry is which people tell about going in so
much. We don't know, but rather guess, judging
from the way in which folks jump about at such times,
that it must be a little buggy.
DURING a rehearsal, Braham said to Tom Cooke,
who was the conductor, "Now, Tom, keep the piano
quiet here, because, just at this part, to give effect, I
intend dropping my voice." "Do you? By the pow-
ers," said Tom, "whereabouts? for it's just the sort of
voice I should like to pick up!"
ONE of Sir Boyle Roche's invitations to an Irish
nobleman was rather equivocal: "I hope, my lord, if
ever you are within a mile of my house, you'll stay
there all night."
HAVING received and examined a large quantity
of government reports, we have become convinced
that the label "Pub. Doc." should be altered to Dry
Doc.
Ir may sound like a paradox, yet the breaking
of an army's wings is a sure way to make it fly.
"I TOULD him had he any strong beer what was
good, he axed me yes, but it was sour and all gone."
THE man who is ahead of his age, must have been
born before his time.
"ARE you still boarding, my friend ?"
"No, I am keeping house; I'm above board."
MERRYMAN says when he went on the steamer to
California, they kept the chickens in the hatchway,
the beef in the bullworks, near the steerage, and when
they ran out of eggs the ship lay too.
→9 GINGER SNAPS 8-3-
91
A CLERGYMAN at a funeral, when at the grave-
side, said to the chief mourner, "Is it a brother or sis-
ter ?" "Neither ; it is only a cousin."
A LADY said to the gentleman who accompanied
her and her sister, "Why, it rains; send and get an
umbrella." "Why, my dear," said the gentleman,
"you are neither sugar nor salt, and the rain will not
hurt you."
"No," said the lady, "but we are lasses.”
If you want to be suited, go to a tailor; if you
want to be non-suited, go to law.
YOUNG ladies at needle-work, are not always
what they appear. They are sometimes seaming.
DOBBS says that he has one of the most obedient
boys in the world. He tells him to do as he pleases,
and he does it without murmuring.
WHEN is a wall like a fish? When it is scaled.
"I Do not say," remarked Mr. Brown, "that Jones
is a thief; but I do say that if his farm joined
mine, I would not try to keep sheep.”
"MOTHER," did you know that the 'iron horse' has
but one ear?" "One ear! merciful gracious, child,
what you mean ?" "Why, the engin-ear, of course.
“DE conkrekation vill pleeshe to sing the von dou-
sandth and two'th psalm," said a Dutch parson as he
gave out the morning hymn.
"There are not so many in the book," responded
the chorister.
"Vell, den, pleesh sing so many as tare pe."
BACHELORIC Exclamation.-A las -Maidenly
Exclamation.-Ah men!
92
→ GINGER SNAPS 84-
MR. CAPTAIN, you looked so much like the mate
that I took you to be the cook. Will you be after
lending me the loan of your broadaxe, to saw an
empty barrel of flour in two, to make my cow a hog-
pen ?"
A FEW days since, at an evening party, a gentle-
man handed his wife a glass of wine; some one asking
her if it were Madeira, she replied, "I presume so, for
it came from my deary."
"THIS is George the Fourth," said an exhibitor of
wax work, pointing to a slim figure.
"I thought he was a very stout man."
"Very likely; but if you'd been here without
victuals half so long as he has, you'd be twice as
thin."
در
A FRIEND of ours thus describes the patience of a
husband with whom he is acquainted:
"He never said a word,
But with a look of deepest melancholy,
IIe sat like patience on an ottoman
Waiting for his wife to put her bonnet on."
ON one of the state trials, the judge shook his head
while Curran was speaking. He could not restrain
his wit to the jury: "Believe me, gentlemen, if you
remain here many days, you will yourselves perceive
that when his lordship shakes his head, there's nothing
in it !"
A YANKEE on being asked what he should do if he
were banished to the woods, replied that "he thought
he should split."
""
DIGBY is of opinion that there are writers whose
ideas are so high, that like the peaks of lofty moun-
tains, they are continually in the clouds cloudy.
GINGER SNAPS (3
93
Ar a young ladies' seminary, a few days since,
one of the most promising pupils was interrogated;
"Mary, did Martin Luther die a natural death ?"
"No," was the prompt reply; "he was excommunicated
by a bull!"
LIP service-Kissing.
"I LIVE by my pen," said a vulgar author to
a lady. "You look, sir, as if you ought to live in a
pen.'
Two gentlemen meeting on Court Street, one said,
"So friend Dea the lawyer is dead." "Yes, and I
hear he left very few effects." "Just so; it could not
be otherwise he had very few causes.
""
A GENTLEMAN ordered a servant to call him at
six ; but he awoke him at four telling him he had two
hours longer to sleep.
A LADY beating a tune on a table, as destitute of
harmony as of time, asked another if she knew what
she played. "I do," answered she; "you play the
fool."
DR. BLANK having taken a little too much was
called to a patient. With some difficulty he reached the
bedside, and taking the lady's wrist, tried to note the
pulsations. Being unable to do so, he mumbled, al-
luding to himself, "Drunk by Jove, drunk." "Oh,
madam," cried the servant as soon as the doctor had
left, "what a wonderful man! how soon he discovered
what ailed you."
SOME one remarking that the dinner hour was
getting later and later. "Aye," quoth Rogers, "it will
soon end in our not dining till to-morrow."
94
9 GINGER SNAPS 830
"SHALL I cut the loin of mutton saddlewise ?"
"No," was the reply, "cut it bridlewise, for then we
may get a bit in our mouths.”
SWANS sing before they die-'twere no bad thing
should certain persons die before they sing.
SWIFT'S Stella, in her last illness was told by her
physician, "Madam, I hope we shall soon get you up
the hill again.” “Ah,” said she, “I am afraid before I
get to the top of the hill I shall be out of breath."
A LADY of wealth put her daughter, who had been
pampered by indolence, under a governess. Upon
calling to inquire how she progressed with her studies,
she was told, "Not very well." "Why, what is the
reason?” “She wants capacity." "Well, you know
I don't regard expense; purchase one directly."
A BOTTLE-NOSED loafer went into one of our bar-
ber-shops the other day, and after being shaved,
handed the proprietor a red cent, upon which he was
informed that the price of shaving was a sixpence.
Loafer replied very coldly, "I know it, and that
[pointing to the cent] only lacks five cents of it! You
aint a-going to stand for half a dime ?"
no appeal from this ludicrous view of the case.
There was
AN Irishman was directed by a lady of large size
to secure and pay for two seats in a stage, as she want-
ed comfortable room in riding. The fellow returned
aud said, "I've paid for the two seats you tould me to;
but as I could not get but one seat for the inside, I
took the other for the outside."
"ĊAN you tell me, sir, how to find the sheriff's
office?" "Yes, sir; everytime you earn five dollars
spend ten."
→→ GINGER SNAPS 63+
4
95
"R. GRIPES the usurer, to whom a sixpence al-
ways looked as large as a cartwheel, is in the habit of
holding his breath while the tailor measures him, so
that his garment will require less cloth.
"How fast they build houses now !" said H. "They
began that building last week, and now they are
putting in the lights." "Yes," answered his friend,
and next week they will put in the liver."
BURTON, while travelling on a steamboat seated
himself at the table and called for beefsteak. The
waiter furnished him with a small strip of that article.
Taking it upon his fork, and turning it over and ex-
amining it with one of his peculiar looks he coolly
remarked, "Yes, that is it, bring me some.”
-
"WELL, Jane, this is a queer world," said Joe to his
wife; a sect of women philosophers has sprung up."
"Indeed," said Jane, "and what do they hold ?" The
strangest thing in the world," said he, "their tongues."
CC
A BACHELOR sea captain who was remarking the
other day that he wanted a good chief officer, was
promptly informed by a lady present, that she had nó
objection to be his first mate. He took the hint and
the lady.
An old gentleman in his efforts at carving a turkey
becoming irritated at the dullness of the knife gave it
a toss down stairs. Inmediately his next neighbor
took the turkey by the leg and threw that after the
knife, saying, "we're going to dine down stairs, are
we ?"
We know a good-natured bachelor, so generous
that, poor fellow, he would give even his heart away,
if he could only find an interesting object to take it.
96
+8 GINGER SNAPS B30-
A DEAD hen is better than a live one; she will lay
wherever you put her.
AN apothecary opened a new store, and for a sign
put up a spread eagle. A neighbor going by, stopped
and looked at it. "How do you like it. ?" inquired the
dealer in emetics. "O, sir," replied the man, "you
have got the wrong bird-you should have one of the
kind that goes quack, quack."
LAMB once said to a brother whist player, whose
hands were none of the cleanest. "If dirt was trumps,
what a hand you would have."
A CORRESPONDENT says, "that woman is twice as
good as a man, and proves it thus by the very ortho-
graphy-W-o-man-double you O man!
1
"WHAT is the use," asked an idle fellow, "of a man
working himself to death to get a living."
"HAVE you read my last speech ?" said a vain ora-
tor to a friend. "I hope so," was the reply.
CREDITOR'S PRAYER.-That short people would
not be so long.
THERE is a man living somewhere in Albany so
alarmingly bright that he uses the palms of his hand
for a looking-glass. It is said anybody can see through
him.
THE trouble with bow-legged men is, that they are
always going on benders.
A WIFE'S farewell to her husband every morning
-"buy and buy."
THE way we marry-ring the bride's finger, and
then wring her heart.
*-
→→→→→→→ GINGER SNAPS pommes
97
A PERSON went into one of our fashionable refresh-
ment rooms, not long since, and was surprised at see-
ing nothing on the table. "What will you have ?"
asked the waiter. Jonathan stared like a stuck pig,
and said, "I dun know." "Would you like a bill of
fare, sir ?" "Wall thank you, I don't care if I dew
take a small piece.”
PUTTING a stop to a woman's tongue is said to be
a difficult punctuation.
Ar church, Joe says his manly heart
With true devotion swells,
Denying that-as some assert-
He's led there by the Belles;
While Jane the happiest of coquettes,
Whose eye no sorrow dims,
Most piously employs her time,
In looking for the Hims.
Hancock [when signing the Declaration of Inde-
pendence.] "There must be no discord or pulling
different ways; we must all hang togther."
Franklin-“If we don't hang together, we shall be
hanged separately."
DON'T take too much interest in the affairs of your
neighbors. Six per cent will do.
WE walked to church one Sunday morning behind
"the girl with the hole in the heel of her stocking."
She probably knew of it Saturday, but remembered
the Sabbath and kept it hole-y.
THERE is a man in Virginia who is so aristocratic
that he has cut his own acquaintance.
Pious gentleman-"My boy. my boy, you do very
wrong to fish on Sunday!" Boy-"It can't be no
harm, sir, I aint cotched, nothing."
I
ㄱ
​98
9 GINGER SNAPS 8300
•
"COME down from that building, you rascal, and I'll
knock your eyes out."
"You will, will you ?"
"Yes, you scoundrel, I will."
"Then I guess upon the whole-I shant come
down."
""
WHOSE pigs are those, my lad ?" "Whoy, they
belong to that there big sow.' "But I mean who is
their master ?" "Why, the little un, sir, he's a grand
un to fight!"
LALANDE, the French astronomer, when the revolu-
tion broke, only paid the more attention to the revo-
lutions of the heavenly bodies; and when he found, at
the end, that he had escaped the fury of Robespierre
and his fellow ruffians, he gratefully remarked, "I may
thank my stars for it."
"Is anybody waiting on you ?" said a polite dry
goods clerk to a girl from the country.
"Yes, sir," said the blushing damsel, "that's
ler outside. He wouldn't come in."
my fel-
AN Irish veternary student, when under examina-
tion, was asked what he would recommend if there
was a horse brought to him with a particular disease.
"Och! by the powers," was the answer, "I'd recom-
mend the owner to get rid of him."
WHEN Voltaire was told that a friend of his was
studying to become a physician, he exclaimed:
"Why will he be so mad? He will have to thrust
drugs of which he knows but little, into a body of which
he knows less."
A STORE-KEEPER advertises ten pounds of sausages
for a dollar. "That's dog cheap!
19 GINGER SNAPS 6-30
99%
"MISS BROWN, I have been to learn how to tell
fortunes," said a young man to a brisk brunette.
"Just give me your hand, if you please." La, Mr.
White, how very sudden you are? Well, go and ask
pa."
"I UNDERSTAND," said a deacon to his neighbor,
"that you are becoming a hard drinker." "That is a
downright slander,” replied the neighbor, "for no man
can drink more easy.”
THE man who attempted to whistle a bar of soap
has injured his voice by trying to sing a stave off a
barrel.
A SAILOR of the name of Moore having presented
a gold anchor to his affianced bride, a wag remarked
that she was moored!
"PLEASE, sir," said a little girl, who was sweeping a
crossing for a living, "you have given me a bad penny."
"Never mind, little girl, you may keep it for your
honesty."
A FRENCHMAN being about to remove his shop,
his landlord inquired the reason; stating at the same
time, that it was considered a very good stand for
business. The Frenchman replied with a shrug of
his shoulder, "Oh, yes, he's a very good stand for
de business; by gar, me stand all day, for nobody come
to make me move.
It is impossible to look at the sleepers in a
church without being reminded that Sunday is a
day of rest.
WANTED, for the ornithological department of the
Museum, the beak and claws of a toma-hawk.
100
- GINGER SNAPS 63-as
"An sure,
"BRIDGET, where's the gridiron ?"
ma'am, I's just after giving it to my sister's own cous-
in, Bridget O'Flaherty; the thing is so full of holes
it is no good at all.”
"How is it," said a man to his neighbor, "that
Parson M, the laziest man living, writes these in-
terminable long sermons ?" "Why," says the other,
"he probably gets to writing and is too lazy to stop.”
THE child who cried for an hour didn't get it.
A QUAKER having sold a fine looking but blind
horse, asked the purchaser :
"Well, my friend, dost thou see any fault in him ?”
"No," was the answer.
"Neither will he see any fault in thee," said old
Broadbrim.
A GENTLEMAN observed to another that an officer
in the army had left his house without paying his
rent. "Oh," exclaimed Frank Matthews, "you mean
the left-tenant."
A PERSON fond of the marvellous told an improba-
ble story, adding, as was his wont, "Did you ever hear
of that before?" "No, sir," said the other, "pray, did
you ?”
"Aн, me," said a pious lady, "Our minister was a
powerful preacher; for the short time he ministered
the word of God among us, he kicked three pulpits
to pieces and banged the in'ards out of five Bibles."
"I SHOULD think these omnibus wheels would be
fatigued, after running all day," observed John.
"Well, yes," replied Tommy, taking a squint at them,
they appear to be tired."
+ GINGER SNAPS 83+
101
+
66
"You musicians ought to be happy fellows," said
P., the other day, to a bandmaster. Why," said the
leader. "Because you need never want for money;
for when your funds run short, you have only to
put your instruments to your lips and-raise the
wind."
THERE is a man living near the Falls of Niagara,
who is so hard of hearing, that it takes a sledge ham-
mer to break a secret to him.
THE following sentence appears in the columns of
a Liverpool paper: "The corporation are about to
build two free schools, one of which is finished.' ”
"WHEN was Rome built ?" inquired a competitive
examiner. "In the night, sir." "In the night! how
do you make that out?" "Why, sir, you know Rome
wasn't built in a day !"
THE latest Irish bull is the case of a gentleman,
who, in order to raise the wind whereby to relieve
himself from pecuniary embarrassments, got his life
insured for a large amount and then drowned him-
self.
TRUTH, So, they say, lies in a well-
A paradox, forsooth!
For ifit lies, as people tell
How can it, then, be truth?
"IF you go on in that way, sir," said a prisoner in
the dock to his counsel, who was defending him with
force and fury, and abusing Judge and Jury in good
set terms "if you go on in that way, they will hang
me, I know they will." "Never mind, my boy," replied
the counsel, an Irish gentleman, carried away by his
own eloquence-"never mind my boy; let them hang
you, and I'll make them repent it.'
102
→→→→ GINGER SNAPS 68+
JOSH BILLINGS says: "It iz highly important that
when a man makes up hiz mind to bekum a raskal, he
should examine hizself clusly, and see if he aint bet-
ter konstrucked for a phool."
"JOHN," said a stingy old hunk to his hired man,
as he was taking dinner," "do you know how many
pancakes you've eaten ?"
“No,”
"You've eaten fourteen."
"Well," said John, "you count and I'll eat."
THOUGH there were not enough of righteous peo-
ple in Sodom to save the city, there was nevertheless
a pretty good Lot.
A BRIEFLESS young lawyer says that any lady
who possesses one thousand acres of land, presents
sufficient ground for an attachment
A SIDE JUDGE in one of our country courts, said
the presiding judge never consulted with him only on
one question, and that was, after listening to some
windy pleas of an hour's length each, he turned to
me and whispered, "Isn't this bench made of hard
wood ?" "I told him, I thought it was."
"You say, Mr. Snooks, that you saw the plaintiff
leave the house. Yes sir, in haste ?" "Do you know
what caused the haste ?" "I'm not sartin, sir, but I
think it was the boot of his landlord." "That will do.
Clerk, call the next witness."
To be ahead of Time-carry your watch behind
you.
"OH, she was a jewel of a wife," said Pat, mourning
over the loss of his better half; she always struck me
with the soft end of the mop."
9 GINGER SNAPS 830
103
"WHY don't you ask your sweetheart to marry you?"
"What did she say ?” “O, I've
"I have asked her."
the refusal of her."
THE following epitaph is to be seen on a tombstone
in New Jersey:
Here lies the body of Jno, Jones, who was accident-
ly shot by the discharge of a Colt's pistol. The
pistol was of the large size, brass-mounted-and of
such is the Kingdom of Heaven.
"I SEE the villian in your face," said a Western
judge to a prisoner. "May it please your worship,"
replied the prisoner, "that is a personal reflection.'
WHEN Jemima went to school, she was asked why
the noun bachelor, was singular. "Because," she
replied, "it is so very singular that they don't get
married."
Ir is perfectly natural that physicians generally
should have a greater horror of the sea than anybody
else-because they are more likely to see sickness.
COME hither, Sir John, my picture is here ;
What think you my love; don't it strike you?
I can't say it does just at present, my dear,
But I think it soon will, it's so like you !
AN innocent young man desires to know why
crockery ware dealers are unlike all other shopkeep-
ers; and adds very innocently, "Because it won't do
for them to crack up their goods.”
A GALLANT was lately sitting beside his beloved,
and being unable to think of anything to say, asked
her why she was like a tailor. "I don't know," said
she, with pouting lip, "unless it is because I'm sitting
beside a goose."
104
+ GINGER SNAPS 6t
A TEMPERANCE lecturer said: "Parents, you
have children, or, if you have not, your daughters
may have."
A WOMAN was enjoined to try the effect of kind-
ness on her husband and since it would heap coals
of fire on him, replied that she had tried "bilin' water,"
and it didn't do a bit of good.
SOON after the death of Woodsworth a man met a
farmer of the neighborhood, and said to him; "You
have had a great loss." "What loss ?" "Why you
have lost a great poet." "Oh! ay," said the farmer,
"he is dead, but I hey no doubt wife'll carry on the
business and make it as profitable as iver it was.'
AN eloquent lecturer recently got off a skyrocket
as follows:
"Thren shall blockheadism, the jackassical dome of
disclosive procedure, above the allfired great leather
fungus of Peter Nipninneygo, the great gooseberry-
grinder, rise into the dome disclosive until co-equal,
co-extensive, and conglomerated lumaxes, in one
grand comprehensive mux, shall assimilate into
nothing, and revolve like a bob-tailed pussey-cat after
the space where the tail was.
A DISTINGUISHED Baptist clergyman made an ad-
mirable speech to a great audience in Exeter Hall,
and then, instead of leaving off, went on and on, until
his father a quaint old preacher, pulled his coat-tail
and said in an undertone, "why don't you say a good
thing, and then sit down!" "That's just what I'm
trying to do, father," was the reply.
WHATEVER the wind may do in winter, it can-
not be denied that in spring it turns over a new
lef."
9 GINGER SNAPS 67
105
BILLINGS (Josh) says: "It iz ced that a hoss don't
know hiz strength'-and i don't really suppose that
a skunk does nuther.'
""
THE first time Jerrold saw a celebrated song writer,
the latter said to him: "Youngster, have you suf-
ficient confidence in me to lend me a guinea ?" Jer-
rold-"Oh yes; I have all the confidence, but haven't
the guinea.”
A YOUTH after vainly trying to explain some scien-
tific theory to his inamorata, said the question is so
difficult, that I don't see what I can do to make it
clearer. Suppose you pop it! whispered the blushing
damsel.
ALL out of tune IIal sang the song,
Then played his flute-till, heaven knows!
Methought 'twas very, very wrong,
For Hal to "go from words to blows !"
i
A MAN bought a horse on condition that he should
pay half down and be in debt for the remainder. A
short time after, the seller demanded payment of the
balance, the other answered: "No ; it was agreed that
I should be in your debt for the remainder; how can
that be if I pay it ?"
AN Irish lawyer of the temple going to lunch, left
his direction in the key-hole: "Gone to the Edinburgh
Castle, where you shall find me ; and if you can't read
this, carry it to the stationer's and he shall read it for
you."
"WHICH, my dear young lady, do you think the
merriest place in the world ?"
"That immediately above the atmosphere that sur-
rounds the earth I should think; because I am told
that there all bodies lose their gravity."
:
196
** GINGER SNAPS 63eem
PRUDE is a queer chicken. Speaking of a quar-
relsome man who was always berating somebody or
something she said, "he is down on everything but
his knees."
A GOOD Union soldier, while at the Libby Prison,
Richmond, being limited in his letter to six lines,
thus condensed his thoughts and wishes:
"My dear Wife :-Yours received-no hopes of
exchange-send corn starch-want socks-no mo-
ney-rheumatism in left shoulder-pickles very
good-send sausages-God bless you-kiss the baby
-Hail Columbia! Your devoted husband."
"On dear!" exclaimed an urchin who was chewing
a green apple, "I've swallowed an odd fellow."
"An oddfellow!"
"Yes, he's giving me the grip."
"SIR," said a young wife to her husband, a few days
after marriage, "you were honest enough to tell me
that your chimney smoked, but why didn't you tell me
that you smoked yourself?"
A MAN boasted that he once had a brother who was
a REVOLUTIONARY HERO. It came out that the per-
son spoke of was long on a treadmill.
"RECOLLECT, sir," said a tavern keeper to a gen-
tleman who was about leaving his house without pay-
ing his reckoning, "recollect, sir, if you lose your
purse, you didn't pull it out here."
AN Irishman observing a dandy taking his usual
strut in Broadway, stepped up to him and inquired,
"How much rent do you ask for those houses ?"-
"What you ask me that for ?" "Faith, and I thought
the whole street belonged to ye."
→ GINGER SNAPS 63++——
107
'
Ir was the luck of an Irishman to reach a railroad
lepot just as the cars had left. With a carpet bag in
hand he ran after the train, shouting at the top of his
voice, "Hould on, hould on, yer blasted ould firecart,
there's a man aboard you've left behind.”
A WESTERN editor was recently requested to send
his paper to a distant patron, provided he would take
his pay in "trade.” At the end of the year he found
that his new subscriber was a coffinmaker.
Jones.-"Poor Lucinda took that circumstance very
much to heart," Nibbles-"Did she indeed? The
dear girl! I wish I was that circumstance!"
A DYING West India planter, groaning to his favor-
ite negro, sighed out, “Ah, Sambo, I am going a long
journey."
"Never mind, massa," said the negro, consolingly,
"him all de way down hill."
"HAVE you seen my black-faced antelope ?" in-
quired Mr. Lewcope, who has a collection of animals,
of his friend. "No, I haven't.
"No, I haven't. Who did your black-
faced aunt elope with ?"
Of all the sad inventions a female to annoy.
There's none a mother mentions as equal to a boy;
Consistently pursuing of mischief all day through,
He has done it, he is doing, or else he is going to.
"WHY don't you give us a little Greek and Latin
occasionally?" asked a country deacon of the new
minister,
"Why, do you understand those languages ?" was
asked.
"No, but we pay for the best and we ought to have
it."
108
+
→→→‡ª GINGER SNAPS 6**r
CAN any civil engineer inform us how it is that the
mouths of rivers are larger than their heads.
AN exchange paper says that the way to meet a
bankrupt is to take no note of him.
A SERVANT girl, hearing the lady of the house ask
her husband to bring "Dombey & Son" with him when
he came home to dinner, laid two extra plates on the
table for the supposed visitors.
A MAN once went to an eccentric lawyer, to be
qualified for some petty office. The lawyer said to
him-
"Hold up your hand, I'll swear you, but all creation
couldn't qualify you.
""
AN eminent painter was once asked what he mixed
his paints with, in order to produce so extraordinary
an effect.
"I mix them with my brains, sir, was his answer.
AMONG the men what divisions rise
For "union," one, and one "no union cries!
Shame on the sex that such dispute began;
Ladies are all for union-to a man!
THE man who had no music in his sole wore sea-
soned leather.
66
A FELLOW stole a wood saw, and on trial told the
judge that he only took it as a joke. “How far did you
carry it?" asked the judge. Two miles," answered
the prisoner. "That's carrying the joke too far," re-
marked the judge, and the prisoner was committed
for further examination.
On the edge of a small river in the county of Cavan,
Ireland, there is a stone with the following inscription:
"N, B.-When this stone is out of sight, it is not safe
to ford the river.”
+ GINGER SNAPS 830
109
WHEN the Persian poet, Hafiz, was asked by the
philosopher, Zinda, what he was good for, he re-
plied:
"Of what use is a flower ?"
"A flower is good to smell," answered the philoso-
pher.
"And I am good to smell it," said the poet.
NEVER be rude, or say to a man, “There's the
door:" Address him more politely, thus: "Elevate
your golgotha to the summit of your pericranium, and
allow me to present to your demonstration that scien-
tific piece of mechanism which constitutes the egress
portion of this apartment."
"TALKING about hosses," says a Vermont jockey,
"Why, when that colt of dad's was out in a thunder-
storm, the lightnin' killed the old mare and chased
that same young hoss all around the paster without
gittin' within ten rods of him."
"CAN you steer the main-mast down the forcastle
stairs?" said a sea-captain to a new hand. "Yes,
sir, I can, if you will stand below and coil it up."
Cap' didn't catechise that man any more.
"Now the swallows are returning," said a man on
shipboard as he threw up his breakfast.
An editor says that the only reason why his house
was not blown away during the late gale, was because
there was a heavy mortgage upon it.
""
A BRAZEN-FACED barrister having failed in all
his endeavors to confuse a handsome witness, at last
said, "Miss, upon my word, you are very pretty."
The young lady, promptly replied, "I'd return the
compliment if I were not on my oath."
5
4

110
+ GINGER SNAPS B30
THE last case of jealousy is that of a lady who dis-
carded her lover, a sea captain, because he hugged the
shore.
A FEW nights since, a serenading party, after
spending an hour in producing the most dulcet strains,
were informed by a polite watchman that "nobody
lived there."
STUBBS said to one of his debtors: "Isn't it about
time that you paid me that little bill ?" "My dear
sir," was the consoling reply, "it is not a question of
time, it is a question of money"
"I Do not wish to say anything against the indi-
vidual in question," said a very polite gentleman,
"but would merely remark in the language of the
poet, that to him, 'truth is stranger than fiction." "
"Boy, you are not far from a fool." "Well, as we
aint more than three feet apart, I give in to that," was
the reply.
It is currently reported and generally believed of
the female sex, that they do not scruple to hook each
other's frocks.
A POOR, thoughtless old gentleman sat down, the
other day, on the spur of the moment. His screams
were frightful.
JOHN REEVE was accosted on the Kensington road
by a female, with a small bottle of gin in her hand.
"Pray, sir, I beg your pardon, is this the way to
the workhouse ?"
John gave her a look of clerical dignity, and point-
ing to the bottle gravely said-
"No, madam, but that is."
+ GINGER SNAPS 83+~~
111
SIR CHARLES NAPIER said, "I once asked a fel-
low, black as a chimney sweep, if a coal pit could be
descended without spoiling my clothes. "Bless you,
I goes down ten times a day, and never minds my
clothes," was the answer.
It is said to be an actual fact that the man who
attempted to hug the beautiful Miss Lemon, has sued
her for striking him in the eye. He is altogether un-
reasonable. Why should he squeeze a lemon unless
he wants a punch.
DR. B, wishing to explain to a little girl the
manner in which a lobster casts its shell, when he has
outgrown it, said:
"What do you do when you have outgrown your
clothes? You throw them aside don't you?"
"Oh, no,” replied the little one, "we let out the
tucks?"
"WILL you have two buffaloes ?" inquired a stable
keeper of a foreigner, who was going to try his first
sleigh ride.
"Good gracious!" was the reply, "I only want a
horse."
THE pen of a ready writer,-An able editor's sanc-
tum.
An actor with a very homely phiz was acting Mith-
ridates, when a beautiful captive said to him, "Ah,
my lord, you change your countenance." Hook, who
was in the pit, exclaimed, "Don't stop him, don't stop
him; for heaven's sake let him."
THE lady who burst her sides a laughing, had them
mended by her husband coming into her front parlor
with muddy boots.
112
→9 GINGER SNAPS 830
"MOTHER, can't I go and have my daguerreotype
taken ?" "No, I guess it isn't worth while." "Well
then, you might let me go and have a tooth pulled,
I never go anywhere!"
"B NATURAL" is called the keynote to good
breeding.
A MAN was indignantly exclaiming that his knife
had been stolen, when, at last one of his neighbors,
whose garden had been robbed a short time previous,
said to him, "I found your knife among my cabbages;
how came it there ?" The fellow was struck dumb.
"You are very stupid, Thomas," said a country
schoolmaster to a little boy eight years old; "you are
like a donkey, and what do they do to cure him of
his stupidity ?"
"Why they feed him more and kick him less,"
said the urchin.
"I REMEMBER," says Lord Bidden, "Mr. Justice
Gold trying a case at York, and when he had pro-
ceeded for about two hours, he observed; 'Here are
only eleven jurymen in the box, where is the twelfth ?'
'Please, you, my lord,' said one of the eleven, 'he
has gone away about some other business, but he left
his verdict with me.'"
Ir is said that when a crew of Chinese pirates get
out of provisions they salt their own junk and eat
that.
"WELL, farmer, you told us your wood was a good
place for hunting. Now we have tramped through
it for three hours, and found no game."
:
"Just so; as a general thing, the less game there
is, the more hunting you have."
+1ª GINGER SNAPS 8300~
11&
SUGAR went up so high lately that it caused a
slight increase in the price of sand.
}
An elephant is a powerful animal, but the smallest
dog can lick him.
THE other day a town-crier took in charge a lost
child and proceeded to hunt up its parents.
On be-
ing asked by a lady what the matter was, he replied,
"Here's an orphan child, madam, and I'm trying to
find its parents."
A YOUNG man having devoted himself to the special
entertainment of a company of pretty girls for a whole
evening demanded payment in kisses, when one of
them instantly replied,
"Certainly, sir present your bill."
A JUDGE in Indiana threatened to fine a lawyer
for contempt of court.
"I have expressed no contempt of court," said the
lawyer, "on the contrary, I have carefully concealed
my feelings."
A PERSON was boasting that he sprung from a high
family in Ireland.
"Yes," said a bystander, "I have seen some of
the family so high that their feet could not touch the
ground."
No wonder Job was so badly boiled; his wife kept
him continually in hot water.
A GENTLEMAN inquired of a carpenter's boy,
"My lad, when will this job, your master has on hand,
be done !"
"I can't tell, sir," said the honest boy, artlessly, "it's
a DAY job, and it will depend upon how soon the old
man has another order."
114
→ GINGER SNAPS 8teen
A GRAMMARIAN conjugated the heat in somewhat
the following style: "Hot, hotter, hottest; hottentot,
hottentoter, hottentotest; hottentotissimo, hottentot-
issimus, hot as an oven, hot as two ovens, hot as four
ovens, hot as seven ovens !" How comfortable to
contemplate such weather!
“GEORGE, do you know that Mr. Jones has found a
beautiful baby on the doorstep, and is going to adopt
him ?" "Yes, papa; he will be Mr. Jones's step-son
won't he?"
OLD leather is pronounced a superior fertilizer,
containing thirty times as much nitrogen as barnyard
manure. Save your old boots, therefore, farmers, and
go barefoot, for the benefit of your corns.
THE lap of luxury—A cat enjoying her milk.
A FRIEND in the army writes,-"An Irish soldier
brought me an old brass watch to fix. It was well
worth ten dollars to repair it, and I asked him whether
he wanted it fixed at that figure. “Och, and sure I
will," was the reply, if you will agree to take the watch
as part pay!"
MOTTO for a barber,-Cut and comb again..
A MAGISTRATE asked a prisoner if he was már-
ried. "No," replied the man. "Then," rejoined his
worship, "it is a good thing for your wife.”
A COUNTRY Surgeon, who was bald, was on a visit
to a friend, whose servant wore a wig. After ban-
tering with him for a considerable time, the doctor
said-
"You see how bald I am, and don't wear a wig."
"True, sir," replied the servant, "but an empty barn
requires no thatch."
GINGER SNAPS 300
115
DOES it follow that a man raised on ginger must be
ginger-bred?
THE proprietor of a forge, not remarkable for cor-
rectness of language, but who by honest industry had
realized a comfortable independence, being called up-
on at a social meeting for a toast gave―
"Success to forgery."
An auctioneer exclaimed-"Why, really ladies and
gentlemen, I am giving these things away."
"Are you ?" said an old lady present, "well, I'll
thank you for that silver pitcher you have in your
hand."
"ARE those pure canaries ?" asked a gentleman of
a bird dealer, with whom he was negotiating for a gift
for his fair.
"Yes, sir," said the dealer, confidentially. "I raised
them 'ere birds from canary seed."
LORD NELSON, when a boy being on a visit at his
aunt's, went hunting one day, and did not return un-
til dark, The good lady, much alarmed, scolded him
severely, and said;
"I wonder fear did not drive you home ?"
"Fear," replied the boy, "I don't know him."
A SHOP KEEPER who had stuck up a notice in
glaring capitals-"Selling off!-Must close on Satur-
day," was asked by a friend, "Are you selling off?"
"Yes, all the shopkeepers are selling off, aint they ?”
"But you must close on Saturday.' "To be sure ;
you wouldn't have me keep open on Sunday ?"
"
THERE is a good reason why a little man should
never marry a bouncing widow. He might be called
the widow's mite.
1.6
→ GINGER SNAPS 63+
MOTTO for the rose in June-Well, I'm blowed."
For the asparagus in July,-"Cut and come again."
For the marrowfat pea in August-"Shell out." For
the apple in September-"Go it, my pippins " for the
cabbage in December-"My head is sound; my heart
is my own.
""
A SMALL boy said to man who was expressing his
surprise that a baker's horse did not start at the ex-
plosion of crackers around him on the Fourth, "Why',
sir, that horse has carried crackers these forty years."
AN exchange paper finds fault with the practice
of putting Latin inscriptions on tombstones. But
what more appropriate place than a graveyard can
there be for a dead language, it may be asked.
"WELL, Charley, said an anxious parent to an ur-
chin of three years, on Christmas day, "what did you
find in your stocking this morning?" "Find, father,"
replied the hopeful youth, "why, I found a big hole."
AN alderman came to Dr. Franklin and said he had
a tendency to the gout, asked what he could do to
arrest it.
"Take a bucket of water and a ton of coal three
times a week,” replied the doctor.
"Why, how ?" replied the alderman in astonish-
ment.
"Drink a cup of the former three times a day and
carry the latter up three flights of stairs."
A BADLY bunged up Emerald islander, in response
to the inquiry, "Where have you been?" said :
"Down to Mrs. Mulrooney's wake; an illigant time
we had on it. Fourteen fights in fifteen minutes; only
one whole nose left in the house, and that belonged to
the tay-kettle!"
→3 GINGER SNAPS 8++
117
ON a child being told that he must be broken of a
had habit, he actually replied-"papa, hadn't I bet-
ter be mended?"
THE other evening a gentleman's button caught
hold of the fringe of a lady's shawl.
"I am attached to you," said the gentleman augh-
ing, while he was industriously trying to get loose.
"The attachment is mutual" was the good humor-
ed reply.
THE lock that is sometimes forced-wedlock.
A GENTLEMAN said to his Hibernian servant:
"Pat, here comes a funeral; do you know who is
dead?" "Faith, I guess sir, it must be the man in
the coffin," was the reply.
THE old dog Tray's ever faithful they say;
But a dog that is faithful can never be Tray.
To make boots last four years. Grease well with
a mixture of tallow, lamp black and beeswax ; then
set them away in a closet.
AN affectionate Irishman once enlisted in the Seven-
ty-fifth Regiment, in order to be near his brother, who
was a corporal in the Seventy-sixth.
AN Irishman was once brought before a magistrate
charged with marrying six wives. The magistrate
asked him how he could be so hardened a villian.
"Plase your worship," said he, "I was trying to
get a good 'un."
An excitable gentleman at a fire headed a line of
fire buckets, and as fast as they were passed to him
he threw bucket and all into the fire, crying out all
the while-"Pass on more buckets !"
118
→ GINGER SNAPS en
“Do you know,” said a friend to Jerrold, "that Jones
has left the stage and turned wine merchant ?" “Oh,
yes," Jerrold replied; "and I am told that his wine off
the stage is better than his whine on it."
A SINGING master, while teaching his pupils, was
visited by a brother of the tuneful art. The visitor
observed that the chorister pitched the tune vocally,
said:
"Sir, do you use a pipe ?"
"No, Sir," replied Semibreve with admirable gravi-
ty, "I chew!"
"I THINK," said a wife who could not agree with her
husband, "I think, Mr. Jibbs, we had better divide
the house, You shall live on one side and I on the
other."
"Very well, my dear," replied he; "you take the
outside, and I'll have the inside."
A SOLDIER was wounded by a shell from Fort
Wagner. He was going to the rear. "Wounded by
a shell ?" "Yes," he coolly answered, "I was right
under the darned thing when the bottom dropped
out."
As a canal boat was passing under a bridge, the
captain gave the usual warning, "Look out !" when
a little Frenchman, popping his head out the window,
received a severe thump, He drew it back in a great
pet, and exclaimed, "Dese Americans are queer
people-dey say 'Look out,' when dey mean, 'Look
in !"
A POTHOUSE politician was boasting that he could
bring an argument to a point as quick as any other
"You can bring a quart to a pint a good deal
quicker," observed a wag.
man.
→→→→ GINGER SNAPS 83+→→mmies
119
THE I have a rich joke on Dr. Egan, a great land
operator, as well as a most successful physician.
The Doctor prescribed some pills for a lady. He
was asked how they were to be taken.
"A quarter down," said the Doctor, "and the bal-
ance in one, two, and three years."
ONE Scotchman complained that he had got a ring
in his head. "Do you ken the reason o' that ?" asked
his worthy crony. "No." "I'll tell you-it is because it
is empty.
"And have ye never a ringing in your
head ?" quoth the other. "No, never,"
"And you
ken the reason? It's because it's cracked."
""
ALDERMAN BINNS being called upon by a woman
in great haste, and quite indignant at an expression
used to her, addressed him thus:
"Alderman, Mrs. Snooks, my next door neighbor,
called me a thief, can't I make her prove it ?”
"Well," said the Alderman, after a moment's de-
liberation, "you can, but you had better not.”
"SIR," said one politician to another, "my party is an
immovable rock." "Then sir, the ship of State should
steer clear of it."
THE speaker, who took the floor has been arrested
for stealing lumber.
THE reason why a bear should seek
A dry goods shop seems puzzling,
And so I'd state that there he'd want
Just nothing else but Muzzlin'.
A DANDY wishing to be witty, accosted a young
bell-man as follows:
"You take all sorts of trumpery in your cart, don't
you ?"
"Yes jump in, jump in."
}
120
+ GINGER SNAPS 83+~~
XTRAVAGANZA XTRAORDINARY.-Charles X.,
x King of France, was xtravagantly xtolled, but is
xceeding xecrated. He xhibited xtraordinary xcel-
lence in xigency; he was xmplary in xternal, but
xtrinsic on xamination; he was xtatic under xhorta-
tion, xtreme in xcitement, and xtraordinary in xtem-
pore expression. He was xpatriated for his xcesses,
and to xpiate his xtravagance, xiled and xpired in
xile.
A PRACTICAL joke was once attempted to be play-
ed on Mr. Erskine, as he went one day to Westminster`
Hall, with his ample bag crammed full of briefs.
Some waggish barrister híred a jew boy to go and ask
him if he had any old clo' to sell.
·
"No, you little Hebrew imp," exclaimed the indig-
nant counsellor, "they are all new suits.”
A MECHANIC his labor will often discard,
If the rate of his pay he dislikes ;
But a clock--and its Case is uncommonly hard,
Will continue to Work, though it Strikes.
A MAN in New York, goes about with his arm
supported in a sling, because he is to lazy to swing
it.
"My son," said an astronomer the other day, "you
will see the earth turns over on its axis, and makes
one revolution round the sun each year." "Then,
Pa, does France turn on its axis when it makes
its revolutions?" "No, my son, not exactly, it turns
on its bayonets."
L
IN going on board a Mississippi steamboat the other
day, Mr. Jones met Mr. Smith, and asked-
"Which way are you going Smith, up or down ?"
"That depends upon circumstances.
over the boiler, up; if in the cabin, down."
If I sleep
Ž
GINGER SNAPS 63
121
"THERE, John, that's twice you've come home
and forgotten the lard."
"La, mother, it was so greasy it slipped my mind."
THE saying "that there is nothing like leather,"
is justified by the fact that it is our sole reliance.
"I AM willing to split hairs with my opponent all
day if he insists on it, said a very distinguished lawyer
in a speech at the bar.
"Split that then," said the opponent pulling a coarse
specimen from his own head.
"May it please the court, I didn't say bristles."
}
A WESTERN editor wishes to know whether the
law recently enacted against the carrying of deadly
weapons applies to doctors who carry pills in their
pocket.
To avoid all proceedings unpleasant,
I beg you to pay what is due;
If you do, you will oblige me at present,
If you don't then I'll oblige you.
ONE of our citizens was thus accosted by his land-
lord: "As everything is on the rise, I feel it my duty
to raise your rent."
Citizen replied, "Sir, I am truly thankful, for times
are so hard, that I find it really impossible to raise it
myself."
"POMPEY, de corn's up."
"De corn up? why I only planted it yesterday."
"I know dat, but de hogs got in last night and guv
it a lift."
“My dear,” said a gentleman to a young lady to
whom he thought to be married, "do you intend to
make a fool of me ?" "No," replied the lady, "nature
has saved me the trouble,"
122
➡*** GINGER SNAPS 8++
"No man," says Mrs. Partington was better calcu-
lated to judge of pork than my poor husband was.
He knew what good hogs were for he had been
brought up with them from his childhood."
•
A POOR German witness being tormented with
questions by a barrister, declared he was so much
exhausted that he must have a drink of water before
he could say another word. Upon this the judge re-
marked:
"I think, sir, that you must have done with the wit-
ness now, for you have pumped him dry."
JOHN's wife and John were tete-a-tete-
She witty was, industrious he;
Says John. "I have earned the bread we eat.”
"And I," says she have urned the tea,”
A GENTLEMAN named Dunlop remarked that he
had never heard his name punned upon, and did not
believe it could be done.
"There is nothing in the world more easy, sir,”
replied a punster, "Just lop off half the name, and it
is Dun."
A SOLDIER in a newly raised Irish corps observed
to his comrades, that a corporal was to be dismissed
from the regiment.
"Faith and indeed," replied the other, "I hope it is
the corporal so troublesome to our company."
"What is his name?" inquired the soldier.
"Why-Corporal Punishment."
ONE Sunday afternoon, a lad so lazy in his motions
that he did not get to the church-door till the congre-
tion were coming out, and he said to the first man he
met-"What! is it all done ?" "No," said the man,
"it's all said, but I'm thinking it will be a long time
before it will be all done.”
+ GINGER SNAPS 64
123
It is reported of a certain ostentatious lawyer
that he is never without at least a dozen cases on
hand, It has been ascertained however, that they
consist of old book-cases.
A NEGRO passing under a scaffolding where some
repairs were going on, a brick fell from above on his
head and was broken by the fall. Sambo very coolly
raised his head and exclaimed-
"Hallo, you white man up dare, if you don't want
your bricks broke just keep 'em off my head."
IT is an admitted fact that one swallow does not,
make a summer, but any cat can make a spring.
JOHN, tall and a wag, was sipping his tea,
When his landlady rather uncivilly free,
Accosted him thus-"Sir, a man of your metre
Must be, I think, a very large eater!
"Nay, nay," quoth the wag, "tis not as you say,
For a little with me goes a very long way!"
A LADY passing along the street one morning last
week, noticed a little boy scattering salt upon the
sidewalk
"Well, I'm sure,” said the lady, "this is real bene-
volence."
"No it aint," said the boy, "it's real salt."
A LADY, in speaking of a gathering of lawyers to
dedicate a new court house, said she supposed they
had gone to view the place where they must shortly
lie.
"My dear," said a smiling spouse to her other half,
a morning or two since, "I am going a shopping; I
want a little change." "Pooh;" responded the ungal-
lan: man, "that would be no change at all; you go
shopping every day."
1
124
9 GINGER SNAPS GI+~
AN elderly Pennsylvania woman with her daughter,
looking at the marble statue of Girard, in the college
building, the other day, startled the bystanders by ex-
claiming "La, Sally, how white he was."
-
A GENTLEMAN having built a large house was at
a loss what to do with the rubbish. His steward
advised him to have a pit dug large enough to contain
it.
"And what," said the gentleman smiling, "shall I
do with the earth which I dig up from it ?"
To which the steward with great gravity replied-
"Have the pit large enough to hold all."
"I'm going to draw this beau into a knot" as the
lady said when standing at the hymenal altar.
"JIM, why is it that musician's strains are always.
heard so much less distinctly when he plays alone,
than when in a band ?" "Why, I didn't know it was
so-suppose it must be because he plays so-lo."
WHEN the young gentleman who styled himself
the American Goethe was asked why he did not write
something equal to Goethe's he testily answered, “Be-
cause I haven't a mind to.'
"
A PAWNBROKER is like an inebriate; he takes the
pledge but cannot always keep it.
"WHOSE Son are you, my little boy ?" "I aint no-
body's son; I am Mr. Thomson's nephew, sir."
2
A COARSE, ill-natured fellow died one day, and his
friends assembled at his funeral, but no one had a good
word to say about the deceased. Even at the grave
all were silent. At length a good-hearted German,
as he turned to go home, said, "Vell, he vas a goot
schmoker!"
49 GINGER SNAPS 33+——
125
Mr. PULLUP coming home late "pretty full," finds
the walking slippery, and exclaims: "V-v-very singu-
lar; wh-whenever water freezes it allus fr-freezes with
the slippery side up; singular!"
•
SUSAN was desirous of purchasing a watch.
The maker, showed her, among others, a beautiful one,
remarking that it went thirty hours. "In one day ?"
asked Susan.
"You would not take me for twenty ?" said a nice
girl to her partner while dancing, a few evenings
ago; "what would you take me for ?" "For better,
or for worse,” replied he.
An individual was arrested the other day while en-
deavoring to pick a gentleman's pocket. He said he
wasn't used to the business, and was just trying to get
his hand in.
A YOUNG lady was told that a party was to be given
in that place, and that lots of young men from Troy
would be present. "Yes," she said, "vacant lots,
probably."
THE barber who dressed the head of a barrel, has
been engaged to curl the locks of a canal.
A GENTLEMAN at a musical party, where the lady
was very particular not to have the concord of sweet
sounds, interrupted, seeing that the fire was going out,
asked a friend in a whisper, "How can I stir the
fire without interrupting the music?" "Between the
bars," replied the friend.
"SAY, missus, can you tell me what makes them
'ere roosters' feathers so smooth ?" Old lady-“No,
my son." "Why, it's because they always carry their
combs with 'em."
126
ސ
→→→→
GINGER SNAPS 83ee
THE celebrated portrait painter Stuart once met a
lady in the street in Boston, who saluted him with-
"Ah, Mr. Stuart, I have just seen your miniature
and kissed it, because it was so much like you."
"And did it kiss you in return ?"
""
"Why, no.
"Then," said Stuart, "it was not like me."
T
SAMBO bought a patriarchal turkey. "I took him
home," says he, "my wife bile him tree hours, and
den him crow! My wife den pop him into the pot with
six pounds o'taters, and he kick 'em all out; he must
a bin as old as dat Mefooselum."
A GENTLEMAN can probably marry any lady of his
acquaintance-if he pleases.
A BACHELOR merchant's advice in selecting a
wife, says: "get hold of a piece of calico that will
wash."
THE wrath of soldiers is greatest, we imagine, when
it is in tents,
PIRON, the French author, was questioned by a
haughty police magistrate concerning his profession.
"I ain a poet, sir," said Piron.
แ
"Oh, a poet," said the magistrate; "I have a brother
who is a poet."
"Then we are even," said Piron, for I have a bro-
ther who is a fool."
MISTAKE.—To suppose a clock strikes with its
hands.
"Boys, what is all that noise in school ?".
"It's Bill Sikes imitating a locomotive."
"Come up here William, if you have turned into
a locomotive, it is time you were switched off."
1
→ GINGER SNAPS 630.
127
FOOTE was once met by a friend in town, with a
young man who was flashing away very brilliantly,
while Foote seemed grave.
"Why Foote," said his friend, "you are flat to-day;
you don't seem to relish wit!"
"Blame it," said Foote, "you have not tried me yet,
sir."
THE bank where the wild thyme grows has declared
a dividend of ten scents on the share.
AN Irish officer upon seeing a beautiful picture
sketched upon a wall in America, exclaimed—
"It is a fine painting, but it was never done in
America.'
"
"Oh, sir," says his friend, "don't you see it on the
solid wall, and therefore must have been done in this
country."
“Ah,” replied he, "I see that plain enough, but I only
meant that the man who did it, was never in Amer-
ica."
"HALLO, Sharp, you hobble, my boy; what is the
matter.
"Oh, I had my foot crushed between the railroad
cars."
"And don't you mean to sue for damages ?"
"Damages; no, no-I have had damages enough
already ; hadn't I better sue for repairs ?"
“MR. SMITH, you said you boarded at the Colum-
bian Hotel for six months; did you foot your bill ?"
"No, sir; it amounted to the same thing-the land-
lord footed me.".
GEOLOGICALLY speaking, says Hood, the rock up-
on which hard drinkers split, is quarts.
128
→¿? &
GINGER SNAPS 61++~~
THE following notice was posted up in the county
of Kent: "Notice is hereby given, that the Marquis
of Camden (on account of the backwardness of the
harvest) will not shoot himself nor any of his tenants.
till the 14th of September."
"SAY, Pomp, you nigger, where you get dat new
hat?"
"Why, at de shop, ob course.”
"What is de price of such an article as dat ?”
"I don't know, nigger-I don't know, the shopkeep-
er wasn't dar."
"SAMBO, where is your master ?" "Gone out."
"Has he left off drinking yet?" "Oh, yes! he leave
off two, three times dis mornin."
A GIPSY woman promised to show two young ladies
their husbands' faces in a pail of water. They looked
and exclaimed-
adap
"Why, we only see our faces."
"Well," said the gipsy, "those faces will be your
husbands' when you are married."
BIDDY came back from whortleberrying, and was
asked if she found the berries plenty. "Sure, yes,”
said she, "but the dry weather has made them so
small, that it takes the whole of a peck to make a
quart."
"WELL, John, did you take the note I gave you to
Mr. Smithers?"
"Yes, sir, I took the note, but I don't think he can
read it."
"Cannot read it; why so, John ?"
"Because he is so blind, sir. While I wor in the
room he axed me where my hat was, and it wor on
on my head all the time."
I
GINGER SNAPS B-f
129
AN editor speaking of a drink he once had occasion
to indulge in, says he couldn't tell whether it was
brandy or a torchlight procession going down his
throat.
"POMPEY," said a good-natured gentleman to his
colored man, "I did not know till to-day, you had
been whipped last week."
"Didn't you, massa ?" replied Pompey, "I know'd
it at the time.”
AFTER rolling all night in your berth at sea, till
you are miserably sick, it is irritating to have a stew-
ard open the door in the morning, and ask if
you will
have a fresh roll for breakfast.
A DISAPPOINTED author, indulging in a vein of
abuse against a successful rival, exclaimed-"He is
without exception, the most superficial, self-sufficient,
ignorant, shallow creature that ever made any pre-
tensions to literature." "Gently, my dear sir," in-
terrupted a gentleman, "you have quite forgot your-
self."
AN Irish gentleman having a small picture room,
several persons desired to see it at the same time.
"Faith, gentlemen," said he, "if you all go in, it will
not hold half of you !"
"MOTHER," said a boy, "is there any harm in break-
ing egg-shells."
"Certainly not, my dear; but why do you ask that
question ?"
"Because I dropped the basket of eggs just now.”
"BOB, how is your sweetheart getting along ?"
"Pretty well, I guess; she says I needn't call any
""
more
130
**9 GINGER SNAPS 64
•
THE question is often discussed whether the
savages enjoy life. We suppose they do, as they
always seem anxious to take it when they can get a
chance.
Two men went to buy a hat. They were delight-
ed with the sample inside the crown of which was in-
serted a looking glass. "What is this glass for ?"
said one of the men. The other exclaimed: "What
for? why, for the man who buys the hat to see how
it fits him."
"I SAY, Mr. Highflier, won't you let a feller go with
you in that balloon ?" "I can't possibly accommodate
you, my dear friend." "Well then be kind enough to
take my card along, for I am determined to get my
name up some how or other."
1
A PERSON visiting the London Museum of Cu-
riosities was shown the skull of Oliver Cromwell.
"It is extremely small," said the visitor. "Bless you,
sir," replied the cicerone, "it was his skull when he
was a little boy."
WHICH is of greater value, prythee say,
The Bride or Bridegroom ?-must the truth be told?
Alas, it must! The Bride is given away——
The Bridegroom's often regularly sold.
EVERY bird pleases us with its lay-especially the
hen.
"GUBBINS is very close, it was observed; "he will
squabble about a single farthing." "Well," remarked
Sharp, "I have always thought the less one squabbles
about the better."
ARMY contractors are sometimes ambushed ene-
mies who lie in weight. Aye, and in measure, too.
+ GINGER SNAPS $800
131.
(6
“WAITAH ?” “What sir ?" "Got any green peas?"
"Yes, sir; have some ?" "Yaas, bring me three."
Anything else, sir ?" "Yaas; a slice or two of straw-
berry, cut thin.' "Certainly, sir; anything more ?"
"More! Ah! what do you take me for a perfect
hog, ah ?”
""
DR. CASIN having heard the famous Thomas Fuller
repeat some verses on a scolding wife, was so delighted
with them as to request a copy.
"There is no necessity for that," said Fuller, "as
you have got the original.”
/
A STRANGER from the country observing an ordi-
nary roller-rule on the table, took it up, and inquir-
ing its use, was answered: "it was a rule for count-
ing-houses."
Too well bred, to ask unnecessary
questions, he turned it over and over, and at last, in
a paroxysm of baffled curiosity, inquired: "How
in the name of wonder do you count houses with
this ?"
MR. PUNCH was asked whether it was possible to
cure a blind alley, when that mighty genius readily
replied: "Certainly; I should first begin by improv-
ing its site."
YOU'RE a queer chicken! as the hen said when she
hatched out a duck.
To keep water out, use pitch; to keep it in use a
pitcher.
A GENTLEMAN met a half-witted lad in the road,
and placing in one of his hands a sixpence and a pen-
ny, asked him which of the two he would choose.
The lad replied he would not be greedy; he'd take
the smallest.
132
→ GINGER SNAPS (30
A SUBSCRIBER writes to a Western editor-"I
don't want your paper any longer." To which the
editor replies "I would not make it any longer if
you did. Its present length suits me very well."
FOR views on the Rhinc-look into a pork bar-
rel.
"I WISH, Mr. Speaker, to present a liquor bill," said
a red-nosed member of a Western Legislature. "You
never present any other kind," said a political oppo-
nent.
"KATY, have you laid the table-cloth and plates,
yet?" "An' sure I have, mem, everything but the
eggs; and isn't that Biddy's work, sure?"
MR. S., is your customer B. a man to be trusted ?"
"I know of no one more so. He is to be trusted for
ever he never pays."
·
"COME, Bob, say, what did you clear by your
speculation?" said a friend to his companion. "Clear!"
answered Bob, with a frown, "why, I cleared
my pockets."
THE man who was so hemmed in by a crowd,
`has been troubled with a stitch in his side ever since.
THOSE ladies, who have a passion for tea-parties
should remember that tattle begins with T.
CORK-SCREWS have sunk more people than cork
jackets will ever keep up.
A FARMER being asked if his horses were matched,
said, "Yes, they are matched first rate; one of them
is willing to do all the work, and the other is willing
he should."
49 GINGER SNAPS (Eder
133
A GREENHORN sat a long time,. very attentive,
musing upon a cane-bottom chair. At length he
said: "I wonder what fellow took the trouble to
find all them ar holes, and to put straws round
'em !"
"You don't seem to know how to take me,"
said a vulgar fellow to a gentleman he had in
sulted. "Yes, I do," said the gentleman, "by the'
nose."
"WELL, Tom," said a grocer to his apprentice,
"you have been apprenticed now three months, and
have seen the several departments of our trade. I
wish to give you a choice of occupation." "Thank'ee
sir." "Well, now, what part of the business do you
like best?" "Shutting up, sir?"
"
Two gentlemen discussing the merits of a strict
calvinist minister and a liberalist, one remarked that
the latter in his efforts, did not go to any great depth.
"No," responded the other, "he does not go in that
direction.
"HAVE guns got legs ?" asked little Jimmy of his
father, the other day.
"No, my son."
"How do they kick, then ?"
"With their breeches, my son ?"
LABOR LOST.-An organ-grinder playing at the
door of a deaf and dumb asylum.
A YANKEE captain was caught in the jaws of a
whale, but was finally rescued, badly wounded.
0.1
being asked what he thought while in that situation,
he replied: "I thought he would make about forty
barrels."
134
→ GINGER SNAPS (3+-
THE only fish near the coast of Ireland is the sole
fish.
Frederick—“There now, how very provoking ; I've
left the prayer books at home!”
Maria-"Well, dear, never mind; but is my bonnet
straight,"
SAYS Tom to Bill, "pray tell me, sir,
Why is it that the devil
In spite of all his naughty ways.
Can never be uncivil ?”
Says Bill to Tom, the answer's plain
To any mind that's bright,
Because an imp of darkness,
Can ne'er be imp o' light.”
sir,
"Mr. Trim,” said a wag, "how do you keep your
books?" "Oh, by double entry."
"Double entry.
How is that ?" "Oh, easy enough; I make one en-
try, and father makes the other."
+
Tom-"Hallo, Fred! what, you writing poetry ?"
Fred-“Yes, I am writing an owed (ode) to my tailor.
Tom-"What is the time and tune ?” Fred-"Time
sixty days. It is set to notes of mine in his posses-
sion."
To.
THE way to make a tall man short is to ask him to
lend you a few dollars.
"You had better ask for manners than money," said
a finely dressed gentleman to a beggar boy who had
asked for alms.
"I asked for what I thought you had most of," was
the reply.
A NEW member arose to make his first speech, and
in his embarrassment began to scratch his head.
"Well," exclaimed Sheridan, "he has got something
in his head after all."
+ GINGER SNAPS 63+
135
"PAPA," said a little boy to his parent, "are not
sailors very small men ?" "No, my dear," answered
the father; "pray what leads you to suppose that
they are so small?" "Because," replied the young
idea, smartly, "I read the other day of a sailor going
to sleep in his watch."
“WHAT!” thundered the enraged skipper, "have
the ungrateful scoundrels the audacity to assert that
they don't get enough to eat? Confound their insa-
tiable gluttony! Give them three herrings for dinner,
Joe; give them three herrings, and let them bust, blast
them ""
"COME here, Master Tommy, do you know A, B,
C's ?" "Yiz zur, I know a bee sees."
A POOR Irishman seeing a crowd of people ap-
proaching, asked what was the matter. He was an-
swered, “A man going to be buried." "Oh," replied
he, "I'll stop and see that, for we carry them to be
buried in our country."
"A
SPURZHEIM was lecturing on phrenology.
"What is to be considered the organ of drunken-
ness ?" said the professor.
"The barrel organ," shouted one of the audience.
AN Irishman who had blistered his fingers by en-
deavoring to draw on a pair of boots, exclaimed, "By
St. Patrick! I believe I shall never get 'em on until
I wear them a day or two."
""
WHERE is the hoe, Sambo ?"
massa. "Well, where is the rake ?"
"But where are they both ?" "Why,
By golly, old massa, you 'pears to be berry 'ticular
dis mornin' !"
"Wid de rake,
"Wid de loe."
bof toguder.
((
136
→ GINGER SNAPS &
"DICK, you have a hole in your trowsers. "Well,
who cares, it will wear longer than a patch." "Yes,"
says Sam, "and wider too."
""
AN Irishman who was troubled with toothache, de-
termined to have an old offender extracted; but
there being no dentist near, he resolved to do the job
himself; whereupon he filled the excavation with
powder, but being afraid to touch it off, he put a slow
match to it, lighted it, and then ran round the corner
to get out of the way.
Two Quaker girls were ironing on the same table.
One asked the other which side she would take, the
right or left.
She answered promptly-"It will be right for me
to take the left, and then it will be left for thee to
take the right.”
A POST was erected by the direction of the survey-
ors of old roads of Kent, some years ago, bearing the
following inscription :-"This is a bridle path to Faver-
sham; if you can't read this, you had better keep the
main road.”
A LAD applied to the captain of a vessel for a berth:
the captain, wishing to intimidate him, handed him a
piece of rope, and said, "If you want to make a good
sailor, you must make three ends to the rope." "I can
do it," he readily replied; "here is one, and here is
another that makes two. Now, here's the third,"
and he threw it overboard."
A DIVINE preached one Sunday morning from the
text, "Ye are children of the devil," and in the after-
noon, by a funny coincidence, from the words, "Chil-
dren, abey your parents."
• GINGER SNAPS (1+r
137
FA
A DUTCHMAN, being asked how often he shaved,
replied, "Dree dimes a week effery tay but Soontay;
den I shaves effery tay."
A YOUNG poet offered his play to one of the thea-
tres for nothing. The manager said the author knew
the exact value of it.
AN ill-natured editor says the woman all use paint
and he sets his face against it.
A NORTHERN English rector used to think it polite
not to begin service before the arrival of the squire.
A little while ago he forgot his manners, and began.
"When the wicked man "Stop, sir," called out
""
the clerk, "he aint come yet.”
"THIS is a funny cheese, Uncle Joe, but where
shall I cut it ?" "Oh," said the grinning friend, “cut
it where you like." "Very well," said the Yankee,
coolly putting it under his arm, "I'll cut it at home."
A CONCERT singer having murdered a tune, sub-
sequently tried his voice and acquitted himself.
THE man who attempted to look into the future had
the door slammed in his face.
A KEY that fits everybody's trunk-Turkey.
"DID you see me when I had taken more than you
thought I could carry ?"
"No, I cannot say that I have, but I have seen you
when I thought you had better have gone twice for
it."
"How is your husband, Mrs. Squipps ?" "Why the
doctor says as how if he lives till morning, he shall
have some hopes of him; but if he don't he must
give him up."
138
-++♪¶ GINGER SNAPS 83++
"WHAT does the minister say to our new cemetery,"
asked Mr. Hines.
"He don't like it all; he says he won't be buried
there as long as he lives."
"Well," said Hines, "if the Lord spares my life, I
will."
A BEAUTIFUL day, Mr. Jenkins." "Yes, very plea-
sant indeed." "Good day for the race." "Race-what
race ?" "The human race." "Oh, 'long with your
stupid jokes, get up a good one like the one I told
Day. "Day-what Day?" "The day we celebrate,”
said Jenkins.
THERE is a fellow down East whose feet are so
large that he is obliged to pull his boots on over his
head.
A GENTLEMAN having bought a pair of geese, ask-
ed the seller why he was so unwilling to dispose of
one alone.
"Why, sir," said he, "they have been constant com-
panions five and twenty years, and I had not the heart
to part them."
A MILKMAN sometimes resembles the whale that
swallowed Jonah for he takes a great prophet (profit)
out of the water.
"HERE, boys, I have four apples to divide between
three of us, so there are two for you two, and two for
me too."
THE herb doctors hold that, to be healthy, a'aan,
like a tree, must take root.
AN Irishman said he did not come to this country
for want. He had abundance of that in his own
country.
19 GINGER SNAPS 8zer
139
AN affected singer at a Dublin theatre was told by
a wag in the gallery, "to come out from behind his
nose and sing his song like other people."
THE man who was lost in slumber, found his
way out on a night mare.
"You havn't got such a thing as a pair of old trou-
sers, have you."
"No, my man," said the merchant; I don't keep
my wardrobe in my counting-house."
"Where do you live ?" rejoined Pat, "and I'll call
in the morning for the ould pair you've got on."
"MASTER at home ?" "No, sir, he's out." "Mis-
tress at home?" "No, sir, she's out." "Then I'll step
in and sit by the fire." "That's out too."
"My dear doctor," said a lady, "I suffer a great
deal with my eyes." "Be patient madam," he replied,
"you would probably suffer a great deal more with-
-out them."
A LADY at sea, full of apprehensions, in a gale of
wind, cried out, among other exclamations "We shall
go to the bottom! Mercy on us, how my head
swims!"
"Madam, never fear," said one of the sailors;
"you can never go to the bottom while your head
swims."
"DOES the Court understand you to say, Mr. Jones,
that you saw the editor of the Augur of Freedom in-
toxicated !"
"Not at all, sir; I merely said that I have seen
him frequently so flurried in his mind, that he would
undertake to cut out copy with the snuffers-that'
all."
140
- GINGER SNAPS
"ANY ting bite you dar," inquired one Dutchman
of another, while engaged in angling. "No, noting
at all." "Vell !" returned the other, "noting bite me
too."
ARTISTS have adopted different emblems of char-
ity. We wonder none of them ever thought of a piece
of India-rubber, which gives more than any other
substance.
"WHAT is that dog barking at ?" asked a fop whose
boots were more polished than his ideas. "Why," re-
plied a bystander, "because he sees another puppy in
your boots."
COPY of a sign upon an academy out West: "Free-
man & Huggs; Freeman teaches the boys and Huggs
the girls."
"ME and broder Haunse and too odder togs went
a hunting von day next week; we trive nine wood-
chuck into von stone heap, and we killed ten out ob
de nine, 'fore von got in.”
"I SAY, John, where did you get that rogue's hat ?”
"Please, yer honor," said John, "it is an ould one of
yours that the missis gave me yesterday."
A YOUNG lady being asked whether she would
wear a wig when her hair turned grey, replied with
great earnestness, "Oh, no, I'll dye first."
THERE is a phrenologist in London who can
tell the contents of a barrel by examining its head.
"I WISH to procure the Biography of Pollock,” said
a student to a bookseller. "Can you inform me where
I can obtain it ?" "I cannot, sir; but I dare say you
will find it in the 'Course of Time.'
"
GINGER SNAPS 8++
141
·
"Now, then, my hearties," said a gallant captain,
"you have a tough battle before you. Fight like heroes
till your powder is gone, then run!" "I'm a little
lame, and I'll start now."
"I know every rock on the coast," cried an Irish
pilot. At that moment the ship struck, when he ex-
claimed, "and that's one of them."
"PA, what is meant by raw recruits ?"
soldiers who have not stood fire, child."
"It means
AN Irishman asked what was his religious belief,
"Is it me belafe ye'd be asking about?" said he. "It's
the same as the widdy Brady. I owe her twelve
shillings, and she belaves I'll never pay her; and faith
that's my belafe, too:"
"A MAN who'll maliciously set fire to a barn," said
Mr. Slow, "and burn up twenty cows, ought to be
kicked to death by a jackass, and I'd like to be the
one to do it."
"Ir ever you have a dispute with any one about
money," said a seedy fellow to a rich friend, "just
leave it to me."
AN Irishman being asked on a rainy day, what he
would take to carry a message from Bull's Head to
the Battery, answered; "Sure I'd take a coach.”
A LIVELY Hibernian exclaimed at a party where
Theodore Hook shone the Star of the evening.
"Och, Master Theodore, but you're the hook that
nobody can bate”
"MAST head, ahoy !" "Ay, ay, sir!" was the
answer. "Do you see a light ?" "Yes, sir!" "What
light ?" "Daylight, sir !"
142
49 GINGER SNAPS 0
A COUNTRY gentleman was boasting of having been
educated at two colleges.
6.
You remind me," said an aged divine, "of a calf
that sucked two cows."
"What was the consequence ?" asked a third per-
son.
"Why, sir; the consequence was that he was a very
great calf."
A PARTISAN paper says "it is a mistake that the
opposite party plays upon a harp of a thousand strings.
The organ of that party is a lyre.”
"I HAVEN'T another word to say, sir-never dis-
pute, with fools." "No," was the reply, "you are very
sure to agree with them."
A WESTERN editor announced to his patrons, a
short time ago, that owing to the pressure of adver-
tisements upon his columns, he should be obliged
to suspend the publication of his paper for a few
weeks.
A PAPER, announcing the wrecking of a vessel,
says, "The only passengers were T. B. Nathan, who
owned three-fourths of the vessel and the captain's
wife."
"PRAY, Mr. Jenkins, help yourself to the bacon !
Don't be afraid of it.'
""
"No, indeed, madam-I've seen a piece twice as
large, and it did not scare me a bit.”
A SUBSCRIPTION paper of this style was recently
circulated in one of our churches. "We, the under-
signed, agree to pay the amount affixed to our names
for the purpose of paying the organist and a boy to
blow the same."
•
GINGER SNAPS 6300—
143
AN epicure once asserted that two were required
to make a meal of a chicken-himself and the
chicken.
"You can do anything if you have patience," said
an old uncle, who had made a fortune, to his nephew,
who had nearly spent one.
"Water can be carried
in a sieve, if you only wait."
"How long?" asked the petulant spendthrift, who
was impatient for the old man's obituary.
"Tillit freezes!" was the cold reply.
SOME men keep savage dogs around their houses, so
that the hungry poor who stop to get a bite may get it
outside the door.
"DID you say that my brother Jim didn't know as
much as Smith's yellow dog ?" "No, I said Smith's
yellow dog knew more than your brother Jim."
Two lovers stood upon the shore
Of Massachusetts bay,
Bidding a sad farewell before
Seth tore himself away.
"I'll marry you when I come back,
My Sally Ann," says he;
And then he took a little smack,
And went away to sea.
“CORN BREAD?" said an Irish waiter, "we haven't
got it; an' isn't it corn bafe ye mane ?”
"Pa, how many chick-
Eddie [a very smart boy].
ens are there on that dish ?"
Parent.-"Two, my son."
Eddie.-"No, there are three. This is one, and
that is two-and don't one and two make three ?”
Parent.-"Well then, your mother may have one,
I'll take the other, and you may have the third for.
your dinner."
144
→+9 GINGER SNAPS 88.
"WHY," said Bob Pitts to Will Swipes, when he
caught him drinking. "I thought you had signed the
pledge." "So I have," said Swipes, "but all signs fail
in dry weather."
"ARE those bells ringing for fire ?" inquired Simon
of Tiberias. "No, indeed," answered Tibe, "they
have got plenty of fire, the bells are ringing for
water."
Mr. SNOOKS was asked the other day how he
could account for Nature's forming him so ugly.
Nature was not to blame," said he, "when I was two
months old I was considered the handsomest child in
the neighborhood-but my nurse swapped me away
for another boy, just to please a friend of her's whose
child was rather homely looking."
"WHY do you set your cup of coffee upon the chair
Mr. Jones?" said a worthy landlady one morning at
"breakfast. "It is so very weak, ma'am," replied Mr,
Jones, demurely; "I thought I would let it take a
>>
rest.
A CLOSE-FISTED man invited a friend to dinner
and provided only two mutton chops. Upon remov
ing the cover, he said, "My, friend, we have a lenten
entertainment; you see your dinner before you."
Taking the two chops upon his own plate, his friend
replied; "Yes, I do; but where is your dinner ?"
Two persons, contending very sharply on matters
regarding a late election, got to rather high words,
when one of them said, “You never catch a lie coming
out of my mouth." The other replies, "you may
well say that, for they fly out so fast that nobody can
catch 'em."
GINGER SNAPS &
145
"BIDDY, did you put an egg in the coffee to settle
it.". "Yes, mum, I put in four; they were so bad, I had
to use the more of them."
"I'M afloat! I'm afloat!" screamed a young lady
of powerful lungs and fingers to match, as she exer-
cised both at the piano.
"I should think you were," growled an old bachelor,
"judging from the squall you raise.
"WHERE shall I get a panel?" said the sheriff to
the judge. "Why, I suppose, sir, that you can get
enough panels out of doors."
It may not be generally known that editors get one
important item of subsistence at a low price-they get
bored for nothing.
Ar a whist-party, when Talleyrand was present
some one observed that old Mrs. B. had dishonored
her family by marrying her valet. "Oh," said Talley-
rand, "it was late in the game with her, when honors
didn't count."
MRS. DAWDLE says that one of her boys don't
know nothing, and another does. The question is,
which knows the most.
A VERITABLE entry made by the secretary of a
secret society; "Arter gwine through the yewzul
fawms, there was a colleckshun taken up, but nothin'
was paid in."
A REPORTER thus graphically describes the effects
of a storm on the North River:-" "While the storm
was at its height the vessel heeled to the larboard, and
the captain and another cask of whiskey rolled over-
board.
99
146
++) GINGER SNAPS &
THE great race between a night-mare and a clothes-
horse came off recently. The man who entered the
mare wasn't wide awake; so the horse took the
prize.
"I THINK our church will last a good many years,"
said our deacon. "I see the sleepers are very
sound."
the HORN went to a menagerie to examine
A
the beasts. Several gentlemen expressed the opinion
that the orang outang was a lower order of the
human species. Jonathan did not like this idea, and
striding up to the gentleman, expressed his contempt
for it thus: "Pooh ! pooh! he's no more human species
than I be !"
N old farmer was in the habit, every night,
of counting his live stock, to see if any had gone
astray. "He called to his son: "John, have you
counted the hogs ?" "Yes, sir," "And the turkeys,
cows, and sheep?" "Yes, sir.' "Well, then John,
go and wake up the old hen, and count her, and then
go to bed."
A YOUNG lady Down East advertises for the young
man that "embraced an opportunity," and says if he
will come over to their town he can do better.
Ar an examination of the College of Surgeons, a
candidate was asked by Abernethy-"What would
you do if a man was blown up with powder ?" "Wait
until he came down," was the reply.
"SAM, why don't yon talk to massa and tell him to
lay up treasures in heaven ?" "What de use ob lay-
ing treasures dar, where he neber see um agin ?”
3
+ GINGER SNAPS #++
147
AN editor, in drawing attention to an article
against ardent spirits in one of the inner pages of his
paper, says For the effect of intemperance, see
our inside."
"I'm glad that this coffee don't owe me anything,"
said Brown, a boarder, at breakfast.
"Why?" said Smith.
Because I don't believe it would ever settle.”
A MAN advertises for a "competent person to un-
dertake the sale of a new medicine," and adds that "it
will be profitable to the undertaker."
"I SAY, Bill," said a worthy fellow, "do you know
that Jones said you were not fit to clean his shoes?"
"Did he ?" was the reply; "I hope you defended me.”
“Yes, that I did." "Well, how did you do it ?” “Of
course, I said you were.”
THE people live uncommon long in Vermont.
There are two men there, so old that they have quite
forgotten who they are, and there is nobody alive who
can remember it for them.
AN Irishman on being told to grease the wagon,
returned in about an hour afterwards and said, "I've
greased every part of the wagon but them sticks the
wheels hang on."
"JOHN, did Mrs. Green get the medicine I ar-
dered ?"
"I guess so," replied John, "for I saw crape on the
door the next morning."
"You seem to walk more erect than usual, my
friend." "Yes, I have been straightened by circum-
stances."
܂
148
+ GINGER SNAPS +
"SIR. your account has been standing for two years,
and I must have it settled immediately." To which
the customer replied: "Sir, things usually do settle
by standing; I regret that my account is an exception.
If it has been standing too long, suppose you let it
run awhile."
THE best way to keep food upon a weak stomach is
to bolt it down.
"ATTENTION, Company, attind to rowl call. All of
ye that are presint, say Hero, and all of ye that are
not here, say Absint."
DR. WILLIAMSON had a quarrel with one of his
parishoners by the name of Hardy, who showed con-
siderable resentment. On the succeeding Sunday,
the doctor preached from the following text, which he
pronounced with great emphasis, and with a significant
look at Hardy, who was present: "There is no fool
like the fool-Hardy."
THEY are fond of titles in the East. Among his
other high sounding titles, the King of Ava has that
of "Lord of Twenty-four Umbrellas." This looks as
though he had prepared himself for a long reign.
"MRS. GRIMES, lend me your tub ?” “Can't do
-all the hoops are off-it's full of suds; besides, I
never had one-I washes in a barrel."
A RAW Irishman, on his first sight of a locomotive,
declared it was the devil. "No," said his companion,
"it is only a steamboat hunting for wather."
A JURY is said to have brought in the following
verdict some years ago :-"Guilty, with some little
doubt as to whether he is the man."
+9 GINGER SNAPS 63+
149
"WHAT are you doing there ?" inquired Jack of
Tom, as he caught him peeping through the key-
hole. "What's that to you?" said Tom ; "I don't like
to see a person prying into other peoples' business.”
"I WISII you would not give me such short weight
for my money," said a customer to a grocer. "And I
wish you wouldn't give me such long wait for mine,"
replied the grocer.
A GENTLEMAN who recently travelled over a cer-
tain railroad, declared his opinion that it is the safest
road in the country, as the superintendent keeps a boy
running ahead of the trains to drive off calves and
sheep!
A FELLOW eating at a boarding house where they
furnish the toughest of beefsteaks, gave mortal offence
to his landlady by handing his plate and asking, in a
loud voice, for a little of the daily board.
"HAVE you much fish in your bag?" asked a person
of a fisherman. "Yes, there is a good eel in it." replied
he.
A GOOD-LOOKING young lady recently entered a
dyer's shop, and thus accosted him: "You are the man
that dyes, are you not ?" "No," replied the gal-
lant, "I am the man that lives; but I will dye for
you."
A MERCHANT, not over conversant with geography,
on hearing that one of his vessels was in jeopardy,
exclaimed “Jeopardy, jeopardy, where's that? At
any rate, I'm glad the ship's got into a port.”
"GUILTY or not guilty ?" asked a Dutch justice.
"Not guilty." "Den vat the tyful do you here? Go
about init your pizness."
150
→S GINGER SNAPS 8+
A YOUNG man stepped into a bookstore and said
he wanted to get a "Young Man's Companion."
"Well, sir," said the bookseller, "here is my daugh-
ter."
py
AN Irish captain in the army, newly appointed to
drill his regiment, vociferated loudly his first order,
to show his authority :-"Advance three steps back-
wards; and those men without arms, hold up your
hands ?"
THE question asked by a hospital physician was.
"How many deaths ?” "Nine." "Why I ordered
medicine for ten!" "Yes, but one would not take
it."
"I HAVE heard," said a Quaker to a reverend gen-
tleman, “I have heard, Friend Young, that thou
wouldst not bury Lee, because he was one of the dis-
senters." "You are misinformed, I should be happy
to bury them all," replied the other.
A FATHER called his son into a crowded stage-
"Ben-jam-in !"
P
"DOES the razor take hold well ?" inquired a darkey
who was shaving a gentleman from the country.
"Yes," replied the customer with tears in his eyes,
"it takes hold first rate, but don't let go worth a red
cent."
PRINTS of darkness.-Mourning calicoes.
A COLLEGE student being examined in Locke,
where he speaks of our relations to the Deity,
was asked, what relations do we most neglect ?"
when he answered with much simplicity, "Poor re-
lations, sir."
+9 GINGER SNAPS from
151
THE following notice was lately affixed upon a
church door in England: "This is to give notice,
that no person is to be buried in this church-yard, but
those living in the parish, and those who wish to be
buried, are desired to apply to me, Ephraim Grub,
Parish Clerk."
"A FRIEND of mine," said Erskine, "was suffering
from a continual wakefulness and various methods
were tried to bring him sleep. At last his physicians
resorted to an expedient which succeeded admirably.
They dressed him in a watchman's coat, put a lantern
in his hand, placed him in a sentry-box, and-he was
asleep in ten minutes."
AN Irishman having accidentally broken a pane
of glass in a window was making the best of his way
to get out of sight as well as mind; but unfortunately
for Pat, the proprietor stole a march on him, and
having seized him by the collar exclaimed→
"You broke my window, fellow, did you not ?”
"To be sure I did," said Pat, "and didn't you see
me running home for money to pay for it ?"
"DADDY, I want to ask you a question."
"Well, my son."
"Why is neighbor Smith's liquor shop like a coun-
terfeit dollar ?”
"I can't tell, my son."
"Because you can't pass it," said the boy.
ONE very cold night D. was roused from his slum-
bers, by a very loud knocking at his door. After
some hesitation he rose and went to the window and
asked "Who's there ?" "A friend." "What do you
want?" "I want to stay here all night." "Stay there
then," was the benevolent reply.
:
152
~49 GINGER SNAPS &+-
*
A TRAVELLER, relating his adventures, told the
company that he and his servant made fifty wild
Arabs run; which startling them, he observed there
was no great matter in it-"for we ran, and they ran
after us.
""
DON'T put your watch under your pillow—a man
should never sleep upon his watch,
A LECTURER was dilating upon the power of the
magnet, defying any one to show or name anything
surpassing it. A hearer demurred and instanced a
young lady, who used to draw him thirteen miles every
Sunday.
THE lawyer who filed a bill, shaved a note, cut an
acquaintance, split a hair, made an entry, got up a
case, framed an indictment, impanelled a jury, put
them into a box, nailed a witness, hammered a judge,
and bored a whole court, all in one day, has since laid
down law and turned carpenter.
A GROCER advertises in the following. manner :
"Hams and cigars, smoked and unsmoked,”
WHEN you are running from a mad bull, to be slow
isn't to be sure.
A WRITER called at his printer's and accused the
compositor of not having punctuated his poem, when
the typo earnestly replied "I am not a pointer, I am
setter.
A MEDICAL man lately offered to a publisher, in
Paternoster Row, a Treatise on the Hand, which the
latter declined, with a shake of the head, saying, “My
dear sir, we have got too many treatises on our hands
already?"
*
- GINGER SNAPS 83+
153
A SERVANT living in our suburbs, was directed to
get the mail. After her return her mistress inquired
of her, "Did you get the mail ?" She answered,
"Faith, mum, I did not, for you forgot to tell me
whether it was indian mail or corn mail that you
wanted."
"HERE is your money, dolt, and tell me why your
rascally master wrote me eighteen letters about that
contemptible sum.' "I'm sure, I can't tell, but if you
will excuse me, sir, I guess it was because seventeen
didn't fetch it."
"MISTER, I say, I don't suppose you don't know of
nobody who don't want to hire nobody to do nothing,
don't you ?"
"Yes, I don't."
LORD NORBURY, riding in the coach of his friend
Purcell, and chancing to pass a gallows, asked,
"Where would you be, Purcell, if every man had his
due ?" "Alone in my carriage," was the reply..
"Is he alive ?" inquired a little boy, one day, as he
gazed on a large turtle crawling in front of a res-
taurant.
"Alive!" exclaimed a fat gentleman, who was look-
ing at the monster with intense interest, "sartinly,
sartainly, boy. He acts like a live turtle, don't he?"
"Why, yes he acts like one," answered the little
querist, "but I thought perhaps he was only makin’
believe."
"JIM, I believe that Sam's got no truth in him."
"You don't know, nigga; dere's more truth in dat
nigga dan in all de rest on de plantation," "How
you make dat ?" "He never lets any out."
I
154
GINGER SNAPS 630--
•
A SAILOR dropped out of the rigging of a ship-of-
war, some fifteen or twenty feet, and fell plump on
the first lieutenant. "Wretch," said the officer, as he
gathered himself up, "where did you come from ?”
"And sure I come from the north of Ireland, your
honor."
DURING the autumn gales the volume of nature is
full of fly-leaves.
THE following question was addressed to a lawyer:
"If distance lends enchantment to the view, and the
view refuses to return it, can distance recover any
legal redress?”
"THAT'S the rock on which we split," said Charley
to his wife when she asked him to rock the cradle.
A STRANGER dined recently at a fashionable hotel,
where they had apple dumplings with sauce "both"
for dinner. He got through with the sauce, when
mine host kindly inquired, "Will you have some more
dumplings, sir?" "No, sir, thankee," was the reply,
"but I will thank you for a little more of the 'int-
ment."
A LADY was once declaring that she could not un-
stand how gentlemen could smoke. "It certainly
shortens their lives," said she. "I don't know that,"
replied a gentleman. "There is my father who
smokes every blessed day, and he is now seventy
years old." "Well," was the reply, "if he had never
smoked he might have been eighty."
WE are of the opinion that the man who wears
squeaking boots makes music with the sole and with
the understanding.
I
+↔ GINGER SNAPS E♪+-
155
A YOUNG apprentice in the shoe-making business
asked his master what answer he should give to the
often repeated question. "Does your master warrant
his shoes?" "Answer, Thomas," said his master, "that
I warrant them to prove good; and, if they don't I'll
make them good for nothing."
A WOMAN called at a grocer's, and asked for a
quart of vinegar. It was measured out, and put into
a gallon jug. She then asked for another quart to
be put in the same vessel. "And why not ask for a
half gallon, and done with it?" impatiently asked the
grocer. "Och, bless yer little sowl," answered
Bridget, knowingly, "isn't it for two I want it."
THE man who was driven to distraction had to walk
back.
"HAVE you found a verdict?" said a judge to the
foreman of a jury. "No, your honor: we have hunt-
ed in every corner of the room, and there isn't one
there."
“Drò it rain to-morrow?" inquired a Dutchman of
a Frenchman. "Me guess it was,” replied the French-
man.
THE following is given as a new mode of parsing
down East: "I court. Court is a verb active, indica-
tive mood, present tense, and agrees with all the girls
in the neighborhood."
A VERY fat man for the purpose of quizzing his
doctor, asked him to prescribe for a complaint, which
he declared was sleeping with his mouth open. "Sir,"
said the doctor, "your disease is incurable. Your
skin is too short, so that when you shut your eyes
your mouth opens."
*156
48 GINGER SNAPS 630
"IT strikes me," began an orator. "Then why
don't you strike it back?" shouted a sailor among the
audience.
MR. JONES called upon a gentleman who adver-
tises to restore oil-paintings, and requested him to
restore a valuable landscape which was stolen from
him two years ago.
A LAWYER asked a witness how far he stood from
a certain place. "Just six yards, two feet, eight
inches and a half," was the reply. "How came you
to be so exact, my friend ?" "Because I thought some
fool or other would ask me, so I measured it."
AN apothecary lately sent in a bill to a widow lady,
which ran thus: "To curing your husband till he
died !"
AN Irishman came to Dr. Russell and said, “Arrah,
docthor, it is no use at all to give me an emetic. I
tried it twice in Dooblin and it would not stay on my
stomach either time."
A CUNNING juryman addressed the clerk of the
court when administering the oath, saying "Speak up ;
I cannot hear what you say." "Stop; are you deaf,"
asked the judge. "Yes, of one ear." "Then you may
leave the court, for it is necessary that jurymen should
hear both sides."
PAT MOODY ordered a painter to draw his picture,
and to represent him standing behind a tree.
A DOCTOR of our acquaintance cannot prescribe for
himself without a fee, therefore, when unwell he takes
a greenback out of one pocket and puts it into the
other.
→ GINGER SNAPS 670.
157
In an old Boston tavern the following notice was
posted, "Gentleman learning to spell are requested to
use yesterday's paper."
A TRAVELLER on being asked whether he had
been through Euclid, replied that he didn't quite re-
member, but thought he had passed a night there.
An old gentleman accused his servant of having
stolen his stick. The man declared himself innocent.
"Why, you know," rejoined the master, "that the
stick could never have walked off with itself." "Cer-
tainly not, sir, unless it was a walking stick."
A MAN behind the times should be fed exclusively
on ketch-up.
“GENTLEMEN,” said a speaker at a public meet-
ing, "is not one man as good as another?" "Uv coorse
he is," shouted Pat, "and a great deal better."
"COL. BROWN, I owe you a grudge, remember
that!" "I shall not be frightened then, for I never
knew you to pay anything that you owe.”
AN overbearing lawyer endeavored to browbeat a
witness by telling him that he saw a rogue in his face,
"I never knew before," said the witness, "that my face
was a looking glass."
A SHOPKEEPER having advertised his stock to be
sold under prime cost, a neighbor observed that it was
impossible for him to do so, as he had never paid any-
thing for it himself.
A RICH upstart asked a poor person if he had any
idea of the advantages arising from riches, “I believe
they give a rogue an advantage over an honest man,”
was the answer.
1
158
GINGER SNAPS 8300
SOME people have a notion that villany ought to
be exposed. We think it deserves hiding.
A GENTLEMAN speaking of the happiness of the
married state before his daughter, disparagingly, said,
"She who marries, does well; but she who does not
marry, does better." "Well then," said the young
lady, "I will do well; let those who choose do better."
I KEEP an excellent table," said a lady to one of
her boarders. "That may be true, ma'am," said he,
"but you put very little upon it.”
CURRAN, hearing that a stingy and slovenly bar-
rister had gone on a journey with a shirt and a guin-
ea, observed, "He will not change either until he re-
turns."
A CANDIDATE for an office out West, who lacked
eloquence, when another had in a long and brilliant
speech, promised great things, got up and said, "Fel-
low citizens, all that he has said I will do.”
A GENTLEMAN parting with a lazy servant was
asked if she was afraid of work, "Oh, no, not at all;
she'll lie down and fall asleep by the very side of
it."
COLEMAN, the dramatist, was asked if he knew
Theodore Hook. "Yes,"replied the wit, "Hook and I
are old associates."
MOST kinds of roots and barks are now used as
medicines, except the cube root and the bark of a
dog.
"MASSA," said Sambo, "one of your oxen is dead,
todor too. 'Fraid to tell you of boff' at once for fear
you couldn't bore it."
49 GINGER SNAPS 3.
159
A CLIENT once burst into a flood of tears after
he had heard the statement of his counsel, exclaim-
ing:-"I did not think I had suffered half so
much."
"WHAT plan, said an actor, "shall I adopt to fill
the house at my benefit ?" "Invite your creditors;"
was the reply.
"I NEVER put my razor in hot water, as I find it
injures the temper of the blade," said a friend to
Rogers the poet. "No doubt of it," replied R; "show
me the blade that is not out of temper when plunged
into hot water."
A LADY asked a sailor why a ship was called she.
The son of Nep replied that it was because the rigging
cost more than the hull.
"I WOULD," says Jim, "a tax devise
That shall not fall on me."
"Then tax paid bills," our Dig, replies,
For those you never see."
SAID a gentleman to a lady, "I wonder you have
never made a match. I think you need the brimstone."
"No, not the brimstone," she replied, "only the spark.”
"HAVE a care," said a Quaker to an abusive young
man, "Thee mayest run thy face against my fist."
"ZOUNDS, fellow." said an old gentleman to a mat-
ter of fact person, "I shall go out of my wits." "Well,
you won't have far to go," said Matter-of-fact.
A LADY'S-MAID told her mistress that she once
swallowed several pins together. "Dear me "said the
lady, "and didn't they kill you ?”
WHEN a Tennessee girl is kissed, she frowns and
says, "Put that article right back, sir, where you took
it from."
→
160
~ GINGER SNAPS &
K
A FERRYMAN whilst rowing over a river was asked
by a timid lady in his boat whether any persons were
ever lost in the stream. “Oh, no," said he, "we always
finds 'em agin in a day or two.'
""
A LADY meeting a girl who had recently left her
service, inquired, "Well, Mary, where do you live
now ?" "Please ma'am," rejoined the girl, "I don't
live nowhere now, I'm married."
"PAT, if Mr. Jones comes before my return tell
him that I will meet him at two o'clock. "Ay, Ay,
sir; but what shall I tell him if he don't come ?”
"MYNHEER, do you know what for we call our boy
Hans ?" "Do not, really." "Vell, I will tell you,
Der reason we call our boy Hans is, it ish his name."
A BARRISTER who was remarkable for coming in-
to court with dirty hands, observed that he had been
turning over Coke, "Coke," exclaimed a waggish
brother, "I thought it was coal !"
"How far is it to Bangor ?" "Aboot twenty mile."
"Twenty miles! It cannot be so far." "Well, maybe
it's twelve." "It does not seem more than four.”
"Indade, I'm thinking yer right." "Really, you seem
to know nothing about the matter." "Troth, I can-
not say I do."
As it is possible you may have acquired such an appe-
tite for these SNAPS that you will continue on and eat
the covers (or the dish, so to speak); and as such a
course might prove disastrous to your health, we beg
leave to say, with all due respect to your own judg-
ment in such matters, that this is
THE END.
+

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UNIVERSITY OF MINNESOTA
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