Hot Stuffs
BY FAMOUS C
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1906-5-8.
THE LIBRARY
REGENTS
O.M. Leland,
Athaca, My.
No. 48.7
GRAVIRANO AROU
THE
UNIVERSITY
KEMINENIA
|OMNIBUS ´´ ARTIBUS
NOV 19 1962..
3
OF
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***

GEO.
W. PECK
WILL CARLETON
ARTEMIS WARD
M.HALSTEAD
JOHN B.GOUGH.
BILL
CANONSASCO@@
MARK TWAIN. ROBERT J. BURDETTE
J. W.
RILEY
ELI PERKINS.
JOSH BILLINGS.
M. QUOD
NYE.
ALEX E. SWEET.
HW.BEECHER
we tetteren
BRET
HARTE
PETROL FUM V.NASBY
EUGENE FIELD.
OPIE
P. READ
OW.HOLMES

HOT STUFF
BY
FAMOUS FUNNY MEN
COMPRISING
JOSH BILLINGS
ELI PERKINS
WIT, HUMOR, PATHOS, RIDICULE, SATIRES, DIALECTS,
PUNS, CONUNDRUMS, RIDDLES, CHARADES,
JOKES AND MAGIC
BY
ROBERT J. BURDETTE
O. M. Leland,
1906-5P
No. 487.


MARK TWAIN
ALEX. SWEET
AND THE FOLLOWING CONTRIBUTORS
Bill Nye, Petroleum V. Nasby, John B. Gough, James Russell Lowell,
Artemus Ward, Proctor Knott, Henry Ward Beecher, Murat Halsted,
M. Quad, Geo. W. Peck, Bret Harte, T. DeWitt Talmage, Mary
Mapes Dodge, Oliver Wendell Holmes, S. S. Cox, Wm.
M. Evarts, Will Carlton, Benj. F. Butler, Mrs.
Partington and nearly fifty others.
BY
THE PHILOSOPHY OF WIT AND HUMOR
MELVILLE D. LANDON, A. M.
FULLY ILLUSTRATED
CHICAGO:
THE REILLY & BRITTON CO.
Some Readers of This Volume,
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A. Schuyler
Dard Swing
B Hawthorne
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Fashugh See
Gun Cluniend

Wade Haccepton
And. 10. White
Chauveer, M. befeur,
Pinjarins
To be with Falugi




810.16
1236 h
HUMOR....
WIT..
PATHOS ..
WIT OF TRUTH.....
WIT OF EXAGGERATION.
SATIRE AND RIDICULE..
REPARTEE………….
CONTENTS.
BULLS, BLUNDERS AND PARADOXES.
IRISH BULLS AND BLUNDERS
SCHOLASTIC WIT....
CLERICAL WIT AND HUMOR.
LAWYER WIT AND HUMOR
DOCTORS' WIT AND HUMOR..
POLITICAL WIT...
TEMPERANCE ANECDOTES
►
Karl
• •
•
IRISH WIT
NEGRO WIT
DUTCH WIT...
WOMEN'S PATHOS AND HUMOR.
CHILDREN'S WIT AND BLUNDERS..
RAILROAD JOKES AND ANECDOTES.
DRAMATIC WIT.
MILITARY WIT
··
GREAT MEN
FUNNY LOVE STORIES,
PUNS AND CONUNDRUMS
CHARADES, RIDDLES AND PUZZLES
MAGIC JOKES..
•
ANECDOTES OF
80
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167
179
217
261
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མ་ད་ད་ན་ན་ན་ན་ན་
Philosophy of Wit and Humor Explained.
Melville D. Landon, A. M,
What is wit and humor?
This is a question often asked, but it has never been truly
answered. Humor is always the absolute truth, while wit is
always an exaggeration. Humor occurs, while wit is the pure
fancy or imagination of the writer. Wit and humor are often
used as synonymous, but they are really at antipodes. Humor
ous writings are absolutely true descriptions of scenes and
incidents really occurring, while witty writings are purely
fanciful descriptions of scenes and incidents which only occur
in the mind of the writer. To illustrate: Dickens was the
King of the Humorists, but his writings are, in almost every
instance, true descriptions of scenes and incidents which really
occurred. The stories of "Little Nell," and "Smike," and
"Oliver Twist" are true to life for they were real, living char
acters. Bret Harte's "Luck of Roaring Camp" is another bit
of pure humor-absolute truth. To illustrate the difference
between wit and humor Mark Twain wrote a chapter on build-
ing tunnels out in Nevada. He described the miners truth-
fully, and as close to life as Dickens described Pickwick or
Fagan or Bill Sykes. He went on with pure humor-pure
truth for four or five pages. But soon his humor blossomed
into wit. He departed from his truthful description and began
to exaggerate. He began to describe a miner who thought a
10
WIT AND HUMOR.
0
good deal of his tunnel. They all told him that he had better
stop his tunnel when he got through the hill, but the miner
said it was his tunnel and he would run it as far as he wanted
to, so he continued his tunnel right on over the valley into the
next hill. You who can picture to yourselves this hole in the
sky held up by trestle work will see where the humor leaves ofr
and the wit begins.
So I say the humorist always takes some pleasant scene and
describes it close to life, while the wit takes that same scene
and exaggerates it. The humorist describes an ordinary scene.
like cording a bedstead or putting up a stovepipe. If he does
it truthfully it will be humor. If he sits down and thinks,—
thinks, cogitates, and adds a thousand imaginary incidents to
these scenes-multiplies them by twenty, it will be wit. You
do not laugh at pure humor. You enjoy it; you say how truth-
fully the writer has described a certain scene, what a master
he is, but you do not laugh; but when the wit comes with his
exaggerations, with his imagination added to the truth, then
you laugh outright.
J
The humorous artists do not produce laughter. The best
they can do is to paint a humorous object just as it is. Laugh-
ter only comes with the witty caricaturist who exaggerates
some feature. To illustrate: A humorous artist can paint a
picture of a mule-a patient mule. A mule is patient be-
cause he is ashamed of himself. And if he paints that mule
true to life, you will not laugh. You will say: "What a splen-
did picture of a mule!" "What a master is he who can paint
a mule so close to life!" Why, I saw a mule painted in
St. Petersburg, by that great animal painter, Schryer, which
sold for $15,000. A single mule eating a lock of hay, while
the original mule from which he painted it could be bought for
$1.30! Now, the people did not laugh at that mule. They
stood in front of it almost as religiously as they stand before a
Greek Madonna. They said: "What a great master is
Schryer?" But another artist, a witty artist, painted that same
HUMOR.
diarah
11
İmalat
mule as truthfully as Schryer did, then, like the witty writers,
he commenced to exaggerate it. He ran one of his ears up
through the trees, and the chickens were-roosting on it!
He spread the other ear around on the ground, and the boys
skating on it! Then he set that mule to kicking. He
made him seem to kick a thousand times a minute. Now, no
mule can kick over seven, or eight, or nine hundred times a
minute. The people all laughed at the exaggerated mule, but
not at the true mule.
were
So, I say, the caricaturists like John Leach and Cruikshanks
are wits, while the true artist like Schryer can never be any,
thing but a humorist, as long as he sticks to the absolute truth.
Irony, satire and ridicule are a species of wit, because they
are all untrue. The ironical Antony says:
"Here, under leave of Brutus and the rest,
(For Brutus is an honorable man).”
Antony's statement every Roman knew to be untrue. It
was wit-the wit of Ridicule.
1
•
"Ridicule" is the strong weapon of the lawyer. To ridicule
an opposing lawyer's serious speech, you have simply to ex
aggerate it. So ridicule is simply exaggeration. It is simply
deformed truth, or lying. Take pure pathos anytime and
multiply it by twenty, exaggerate it, and it becomes wit. It
one lawyer makes a pathetic speech, and a true speech, the
only way to ruin its effect on a jury is to ridicule i. For
instance, I heard a lawyer trying to win the sympathy of the
jury for his client. It was a homicide case. A man had killed
his best friend in a moment of anger:
"Oh, my client felt so bad when he killed his friend," began
the lawyer, "for he loved that friend as he did a brother.
And when in a fit of passion he struck him, it broke his own
heart. When he saw that friend fall down, he knelt down by
his expiring form. His tears fell down on the face of his dead
friend, and a feeling of remorse broke his heart."
Well, he won the sympathy of the jury, for what he said
12
WIT AND HUMOR
was true. Now, the opposing lawyer was not foolish enough
to deny these statements. He would not impeach his own
veracity before the jury by doing so. So nothing was left but
to ridicule them, which he did in this manner:
"Yes," he began in weeping tones. "Yes, he did feel bad
when he killed his friend. The tears did roll down his cheeks.
Rolled clear down into his boots. Then he took off one boot
and emptied it. Then he cried some more. Then he took off
his other boot, Then he tied his handkerchief around his
trousers. Cried 'em full. Bohoo! Bchoo!"
When he got through with his mock pathos the jury were
all laughing, and the effect of the solemn speech was ruined.
Not only that, but whenever during the trial the grief of the
murderer was referred to by the opposing counsel, it invari-
ably brought a laugh of derision throughout the court-room.
Any scene or incident in real life, if described truthfully,
will be humor. Take the simple scene of two married women
taking leave of each other at the gate on a mild evening and
describe it truthfully and it will be humor. To illustrate, two
women shake hands and kiss each other over the gate and then
commences the conversation;
"Good-by!"
"Good-by. Come down and see us soon.
"I will. Good-by."
(6
2
19
A
Good-by! Don't forget to come soon.
"No, I won't. Don't you forget to come up."
"I won't. Be sure and bring Sarah Jane with you next
time."
"I will. I'd have brought her this time, but she wasn't
very well. She wanted to come awfully."
"Did she now? That was too bad! Be sure and bring
her next time."
""
"I will. And you be sure and bring baby.'
""
"I will. I forgot to tell you that he's cut another tooth."
"You don't say so! How many has he now?
"Five. It makes him awfully cross."
"I dare say it does this hot weather."
"Well, good-by! Don't forget to come down.”
"No, I wont, Don't you forget to come up. Good-by {"
:
HUMOR.
13
•
!" (louder.)
"Good-by!
"Good-by !" (very loud.)
The above simple dialogue is pure humor. The same truth-
ful dialogue, if it ended in a point, might be wit. In one of
my Saratoga letters I gave this dialogue ending in a point:
A New Yorker was introduced to a Cleveland gentleman to
day, and not hearing his name distinctly, remarked :
"I beg your pardon, sir, but I didn't catch your name."
"But my name is a very hard one to catch," replied the
gentleman; "perhaps it is the hardest name you ever heard."
"Hardest name I ever heard? I'll bet a bottle of wine that
my name is harder," replied the New Yorker.
(C
"All right," said the Cleveland man. 'My name is Stone
-Amasa Stone. Stone is hard enough, isn't it, to take this
bottle of wine?”
"Pretty hard name," exclaimed the New Yorker, "but my
name is Harder-Norman D. Harder. I bet my name was
Harder, and it is!"
humorists from the
It is a very easy matter to separate the
wits or rather the humor from the wit. Dickens, except in
cases like the speech of Buzfuz and the Pickwick proposal,
was a humorist. Dean Swift, Juvenal, Cervantes and Nasby
are satirists or wits. Josh Billings, Twain, Artemus Ward,
Orplis C. Kerr and John Phoenix are sometimes wits and
sometimes humorists. Max Adler and Bill Nye are both
Baron-Munchausen liars or wits. Adler's wit consists in sim-
ple exaggeration, as is illustrated in his account of accurate
shooting: The Danbury News man is a pure humorist, while
Aleck Sweet and Mr. Lewis, the Detroit Free Press man,
are wits, humorists, and sometimes satirists. Nasby has never
written anything but satire. His Confederate Crossroads
satires, and they alone, have made him famous in America.
How Stammering William Sanders Wanted Free Speech.
Eli Perkins.
William Sanders, the chairman of the Champion Lecture
Association, in Stevens Point, Wis., is the joker of the North-
west. He is not a joke-teller, but a joke-perpetrator, and his
14
WIT AND HUMOR.
stammering jokes are familiar to everyone in the country.
Last week Bill disappeared from the Point, and this week the
villagers heard of him down at Madison, the state capital.
They said he was getting some kind of a bill through the
Legislature.
When I asked Bill where he had been he puckered up his
mouth and replied:
"I-I-I've been down to M-M-Madison, the c-capital."
"What have you been down to the capital for, Mr. Sanders?"
I asked.
"I-I-I've been down to see the memoers of the 1-leg-legisla
ture."
"What did you want to see the members of the legislature
for?"
"W-w-why I wanted to get them to change the s-s-state
con-con-constitution."
66
"Why, what's the matter of the state constitution ?" I asked,
in amazement.
"Why, its a lie, s-s-sir, and I want it c-c-changed."
"What the Wisconsin State Constitution a lie? How is
that?"
"Well, the Con-Constitution guarantees to every man fr-fr
free sp-sp-speech, don't it?”
"Yes, the Constitution guarantees free speech to every
citizen in Wisconsin, I believe."
"Well, do-do-dog on it, then I wa-wa-want fr-fr-free sp-sp-
speech, or I want the d-d-dang thing ch-ch-changed!" exclaimed
Bill
Bailey On Hooping a Barrel.
Putting a hoop on the family flour barrel is an operation
that will hardly bear an encore. The woman generally at
tempts it before the man comes home to dinner. She sets the
hoop up on the end of the staves, takes a deliberate aim with
the rolling-pin, and then shutting both eyes brings the pin
HUMOR.
15
down with all the force of one arm, while the other instine-
tively shields her face. Then she makes a dive for the camphor
and unbleached muslin, and when the man comes home she is
sitting back of the stove, thinking of St. Stephen and the
other martyrs, while a burnt dinner and the camphor are
struggling herocially for the mastery. He says if she had
kept her temper she wouldn't have got hurt. And he visits
the barrel himself, and puts the hoop on very carefully, and
adjusts it so nicely to the top of every stave that only a few
smart knocks, apparently, are needed to bring it down all right;
then he laughs to himself to think what a fuss his wife kicked
up for a simple matter that only needed a little patience to ad-
just itself; and then he gets the hammer, and fetches the hoop
a sharp rap on one side, and the other flies up and catches him
on the bridge of the nose, filling his soul with wrath and his
eyes with tears, and the next instant the barrel is flying across
the room, accompanied by the hammer, and another candidate
for camphor and rag is enrolled in the great army that is un-
ceasingly marching toward the grave.
Burdette's Life Pictures.
A boy asks questions. If there was any truth in the theory
of transmigration, when a boy died he would go into an inter-
rogation point. A boy knows where the first snowdrop lifts
and where the last Indian paint lingers. His pockets are cabi-
néts. He drags from them curious fossils that he don't know
the names of. He knows where the herbs grow that have
marvelous medical properties, and he nearly sends the rest of
the family to the graveyard by making practical tests upon
them. The boy has his superstitions, and he carries in his
pocket one particular marble-be it brummie, agate or blood
alley-which when he loses, he sees panic and bankruptcy
coming, and retires before the crash comes with his pockets
full of shillings and a creditors' meeting in the back room. He
has a charm to cure warts on the hand; he has a marvelous in
16
AND HUMOE.
stinct for the woods. As he grows older he wants to be a mis-
sionary or a pirate, and so far as there is any preference, he
would rather be a pirate
pirate a profession in which there are
more opportunities for making money and fewer chances of
being devoured raw. He hates company, for it carries him to
the second table and leaves him no pie. He never walks down-
stairs, but adopts the single-rail, narrow-gauge passenger
tramway and soon cures the other members of the family of
the practice of setting the water-pitcher on the baluster post.
He asks with alarming frequency for a new hat, and wears it
in the air or on the ground ten times more than on his head.
Poor Tom loves as he makes mischief. He musses his sister's
ruffle and gets severely reprimanded.
But some neighbor's Tom comes in and makes the most
helpless, hopeless, abject, chaotic wreck of that ruffle that it
can be distorted into, and all the reproach he gets is, "Must he
go so soon?" But poor Tom gets weary and drops off into the
wonderland of a boy's dreams, and no mother who has not
dragged a sleepy boy off the lounge at nine o'clock and led
him-up-stairs can understand the Herculean grasp with which
a square sleep takes hold of a boy, how fearfully limber and
limp it makes him, and how it develops innumerable joints
that work both ways. He never relates his dreams till every-
one else in the family has told theirs, and there and then he
comes in like a back county with the necessary majority. In
time Tom comes to desire a tail-coat and glove-fitting boots.
Before he has worn his father's arctics on his feet, and his
mother's slippers-on his jacket. It dawns upon Tom that he
has hands-a pair, a good hand. And when he goes to the
first church sociable with his sister, on account of the absence
of some other Tom, he finds that he has eleven hands, and he
wonders where the eleventh one came from. Now his mother
never cuts his hair with a pair of scissors that have cut miles
and miles of calico, and vast eternities of paper, and snarls
and tangles of string, and have snuffed candles, and peared
HUMOR.
17
apples, and trimmed lamp-wicks, and pried up carpet-tacks, and
trimmed the family nails, and have done their level best at the
annual struggle of cutting stovepipe lengths in two. Now he
knows that man's upper lip was destined by nature to be a
moustache pasture. How exquisitely reserved he is; with what
delicate action does he make the first preliminary investigation'
in order that he may detect the first symptoms of a velvety
resistance. And when he has found that it is there and only
needs to be brought out, how he walks down to the barber's
shop, gazing anxiously into the window, and-walks past.
At last, when he musters up courage enough to go inside
and climbs into the chair, and is just on the point of whisper-
ing to the barber that he would like a shave, in comes some
modern Esau, with beard as long as Tom's arm, and frightens
it out of him, and he has his hair cut again, for the third time
that week, so short that the barber holds it in his teeth, cuts it
with a file, trims it with a smoothing plane, and parts it with
a straight edge and a scratch awl. Nobody ever did know
how a boy gets hold of his father's razor, and when the boy
gets it he hardly knows what to do with it. In the course of
a few minutes the blade buckles on him and cuts every one of
his four fingers. Then he cuts the strop with it, and would cut
it oftener if the strop lasted longer. Then he knocks it against
the side of the mug, drops it on the floor and steps on it; but
is pleased to find that none of the nicks in it are as large as
saw-teeth. Then he wonders that a man's nose is so put upon
his face that a man cannot get at his own with a razor without
standing on his head. He slashes his nose, cuts the corners of
his mouth, and makes a disagreeable cut on his lip that makes
it look as though it had just come out of a free-fight with a
straw-cutter. But he learns just before he cuts his upper lip
clear off and his moustache comes on again. Although without
color, it can be felt very soft felt. And then Tom has to
endure in quiet every sort of attack from the other members
of the family about his face being dirty; that he had better use
ma
2
18
WIT AND HUMOR.
a spoonful of cream and a piece of the cat's toll to lather his
upper lip; and the taunts of his sister and younger brother,
who ask him and cry to the company respectively, "Tom's
raisin' a moustache." But it grows short in the middle and
very no longer at the ends. Don't laugh at it; encourage it;
coax it along; draw it out; speak kindly of it. Even after it
has grown long enough to be felt it causes trouble. It is more
obstinate than a meerschaum pipe in taking color.
'Squire Skaggs and the "Pharaoh Men.”
"You see," said the 'squire, pitching his voice to an exegeti-
cal altitude, "it wuz sorter this way. Last Chuesday was a
week ago, I sailed down from Gwinnett to Atlanty with seven
bags of cotton. Arter I sold 'em I kinder loafed roun', lookin'
at things in general, an' feelin' jest as happy as you please,
when who should I run agin but Kurnel Blasengame. Me an'
the kurnel used to be boys together, an' we wuz as thick as
ive kittens in a rag basket. We drunk outen the same goad,
in' we got the lint snatched outen us by the same bandy-legged
school-teacher. I wuz gitten as lonesome as a rain-crow afore
I struck up with the kurnel, an' I wuz glad to see him. We
knocked aroun' town right smartually, an' the kurnel inter-
juced me to a whole raft of fellers-―mighty nice boys they wuz,
too. Arter supper, the kurneì says:
466
Skaggs,' says he, 'les' go to my room whar we kin talk
over old times sorter comfortable an' ondisturbed like.'
"""Greeable,' says I, an' we walked a square or so an' turned
into an alley, an' walked up a narrer par of stars. The
kurnel gin a little rap at a green door, an' a slick-lookin' mer-
latter popped out an' axed us in. He was the perlitest nigger
you ever seen. He jest got up an' spun aroun' like a tom-cat
with his tail afire. The room wuz as fine as a fiddle, an' full
of pictures an' sofys, an' the cheers wuz as soft as lam's wool,
an' I thought to meself that the kurnel wuz a lugsuriant cuss.
Ahar wuz a lot of mighty nice fellers scattered roun' a-laffin'

MUAS
O
ست
TORCORA
On Lang
“We hev had a pleasant evenin', 'Squire." (See page 19.)
HUMOL
666
an' a-talkin' quite soshable like. Aperient, the kurnel wuzent
much sot back, for he sorter laffed to himself, an' then he says:
Boys,' says he, 'I have fetched up a fren'. Jedge High
tower, this is 'Squire Skaggs, of Gwinnett. Major Briggs,
'Squire Skaggs,' an' so on all roun'. Then the kurnel turns to
me an' says:
566
Really, I wuzn't expectin' company, Skaggs, but the
members of the Young Men's Christun 'Sosashun make my
room their headquarters.'
"I ups an' says I was mighty glad to meet the boys. I
used be a Premativ' Baptis' myself afore I got to cussin' the
Yankees, an' I hev always had a sorter hankerin' arter pious
folks. They all laffed an' shuk han's over agin, an' we sot
thar a-smokin' an' a-chawin' jest as muchuel as you please. I
disremember how it come up, but presently Major Briggs gits
up an' says:
"Kurnel, what about that new parlor game you got out the
other day?'
"Oh,' says the kurnel, lookin' sorter sheepish, 'that wuz a
humbug. I can't make no head nor tail outen it."
“I'll bet I kin manage it,' says Jedge Hightower, quite
animated like.
"I'll show you how, Jedge, with pleasure,' says the kurne?,
an' then he went to the table, unlocked a box, an' tuck a deck
of keerds an' a whole lot of little what-you-may-callems, simi-
larly to horn buttons, some white an' some red.”
'Squire Skaggs paused, and supplied his tireless jaws with
a fresh quid of tobacco.
"It ain't no use to tell you any more. When them fellers
got done larnin' me that game I didn't have money enough to
take me down stars. I say, I looked a leetle wild, for when
the Jedge closed the box he said:
“We hev had a pleasant evenin', 'Squire. You'll find the
kurnel waitin' for you on the steps, and he'll give you your
money back.'
WIT AND HUMOR,
"I ain't never laid eyes on the kurnel sence, an' when I do
thar's goin' to be a case for the Kurriner-you mind my words.
I seed Rufe Lester next day--you know Rufe; he's in the
legislatur now, but I used to give him pop-corn when he
wuzn't so high-I seed Rufe an' he sed I wuz tuck in by the
Pharoah men. Tuck in ain't no name for it. Derned if I
didn't go to the bottom an' git skinned alive.”
Eli Perkins' Book Agent.
A Philadelphia book agent importuned James Watson, a rich
and close New York man, living out at Elizabeth, until he
bought a book -- the "Early Christian Martyrs." Mr. Watson
didn't want the book, but he bought it to get rid of the agent;
then, taking it under his arm, he started for the train which
takes him to his New York office.
Mr. Watson hadn't been gone long before Mrs. Watson
came home from a neighbor's. The book agent saw her, an
went in and persuaded the wife to buy another copy of the
same book. She was ignorant of the fact that her husband
had bought the same book in the morning. When Mr. Watson
came back from New York at night Mrs. Watson showed him
the book.
"I don't want to see it," said Watson, frowning terribly.
"Why, husband?" asked his wife.
"Because that rascally book agent sold me the same book
this morning. Now we've got two copies of the same book-
two copies of the 'Early Christian Martyrs,' and
""
""
"But, husband, we can
"No, we can't, either!" interrupted Mr. Watson. "The
man is off on the train before this. Confound it! I could kill
the fellow, I"
"Why, there he goes to the depot now," said Mrs. Watson,
pointing out of the window at the retreating form of the book
agent making for the train.
21
HUISON
"But it's too late to catch him, and I'm not dressed. I've
taken off my boots, and-"
Just then Mr. Stevens, a neighbor of Mr. Watsor, drove by,
when Watson pounded on the glass in a frantic manner, almost
frightening the horse.
"Here, Stevens," he shouted, "you're hitched up; won't
you run your horse down to the train and hold that book agent
till I come? Run! Catch 'im now!"
“All right,” said Mr. Stevens, whipping up his horse and
tearing down the road.
Mr. Stevens reached the train just as the conductor shouted
"all aboard!"
"Book agent," he yelled, as the book agent stepped onto
the train. "Book agent! hold on! Mr. Watson wants to
see you."
"Watson? Watson wants to see me?" repeated the seem
ingly-puzzled book agent. "Oh, I know what he wants i he
wants to buy one of my books; but I can't miss the train to
sell it to him."
"If that is all he wants," said Mr. Stevens, driving up to
the car window, "I can pay for it and take it back to him..
How much is it?"
“Two dollars for the "Early Christian Martyrs," said the
book agent, as he reached for the money and passed the book
out through the car window.
Just then Mr. Watson arrived, puffing and blowing, in his
shirt sleeves. As he saw the train pull out he was too full for
utterance.
"Well, I got it for you," said Stevens; "just got it, and
that's all."
"Got what?"
"The book-Early Christian Martyrs,' and
By-the-great- guns!" moaned Watson, as he placed
his hand to his brow and fell exhausted onto a depot seat.
2
3
"
WIT AND HUMOR.
22
Josh Billings on Courting.
Courting is a luxury, it is sallad, it is ise water, it is a bever-
idge, it is the pla spell ov the soul. The man who has never
courted haz lived in vain : he haz bin a blind man amung land-
skapes and waterskapes; he has bin a deff man in the land ov
hand orgins, and by the side ov murmuring canals. Courting
iz like 2 little springs ov soft water that steal out from under a
rock at the fut ov a mountain and run down the hill side by
side singing and dansing and spatering each uther, eddying
and frothing and kaskading, now hiding under bank, now full
ov sun, and now full ov shadder, till bimeby tha jine and then
tha go slow. I am in faver ov long courting; it gives the
parties a chance to find out each uther's trump kards, it iz good
exercise, and is jist as innersent as 2 merino lambs. Courting
iz like strawberries and cream, wants tew be did slow, then yu
git the flaver. I have saw folks git ackquainted, fall in luv,
git marrid, settel down and git tew wurk, in 3 weeks from
date. This is jist the wa sum folks larn a trade, and akounts
for the grate number ov almitey mean mechanicks we hav, and
the poor jobs tha turn out.
Perhaps it iz best i shud state sum good advise tew yung
men, who are about tew court with a final view to matrimony,
az it waz. In the fust plase, yung man, yu want tow git yure
system awl rite, and then find a yung woman who iz willing
tew be courted on the square. The nex thing is tew find out
how old she is, which yu kan dew bi asking her and she will sa
that she is 19 years old, and this yu will find won't be far from
out ov the wa. The nex best thing iz tew begin moderate; say
onse every nite in the week for the fust six months, increasing
the dose as the pasheint seems to require it. It is a fust rate
wa tew court the girl's mother a leettle on the start, for there iz
one thing a woman never despizes, and that iz, a leettle good
courting, if it is dun strikly on the square. After the fust year
yu will begin to be well ackquainted and will begin tew like
23
HUMOR.
1
the bizzness. Thare is one thing I alwus advise, and that is
not to swop fotograffs oftener than onse in 10 daze, unless yu
forgit how the gal looks.
Okasionally yu want tew look sorry and draw in yure wind
az tho yu had pain, this will set the gal tew teazing yu tew find
out what ails yu. Evening meetings are a good thing tu tend,
it will keep yure religgion in tune; and then if the gal happens
to be thare, bi acksident, she kan ask yu tew go hum with her.
Az a ginral thing i wouldn't brag on uther gals mutch when
i was courting, it mite look az tho yu knu tew mutch. If yu will
court 3 years in this wa, awl the time on the square, if yu don't
sa it iz a leettle the slikest time in your life, yu kan git meas-
ured for a hat at my expense, and pa for it. Don't court for
munny, nor buty, nor relashuns, these things are jist about az
onsartin as the kerosene ile refining bissness, liabel tew git out
ov repair and bust at enny minnit.
Court a gal for fun, for the luv yu bear her, for the vartue
and bissness thare is in her; court her for a wife and for a
mother, court her as yu wud court a farm-for the strength ov
the sile and the parfeckshun ov the title; court her as tho she
wan't a fule, and yu a nuther; court her in the kitchen, in the
parlor, over the wash-tub, and at the pianner; court this wa,
yung man, and if yu don't git a good wife and she don't git a
good hustband, the falt won't be in the courting.
Yung man, yu kan rely upon Josh Billings, and if yu kant
make these rules wurk jist send for him and he will sho yu
how the thing is did, and it shant kost yu a cent
Lewis on Mean Men.
At 9 o'clock yesterday morning an old woman sat in the
Michigan Central station wiping the tears from her eyes. It
was nobody's business in particular to inquire whether she had
fallen heir to a million dollars or was travelling through life
with a broken heart, but one certain man stepped forward after
WIT AND HUMOR.
24
a time and made some inquiries. Then he passed around
among the crowd and said:
“Gentlemen, here is a poor old woman who wants to get to
Columbus. Let's take up a collection."
In the course of four or five minutes a purse of $3 was made
up, but when he had counted it the man said:
66
Gentlemen, let's chip in enough more to buy her a new
dress. I'm a poor man, but here's a quarter for the old lady."
The purse was now increased to nearly $7, and the woman
had just pocketed the money when a man stepped forward and
said to the collector of the purse:
"Why, Banks, is this you?"
"Of course it is."
"And that woman is your own wife?
"Well, Mr. Knickerbocker," replied the man as he bat-
toned his coat, "it's a mighty mean man who won't chip in a
quarter to buy his own wife a dress and help her off on a
visit!"
•
99
Mark Twain at the Tomb of Adam.
The weeping Twain stood with bowed head before the grave
of Adam. As the tears rolled down his cheeks he thus
mourned:
"The tomb of Adam! how touching it was, here in a land
of strangers, far away from home and friends! True, he was
a blood-relation; though a distant one, still a relation! The
unerring instinct of nature thrilled its recognition. The foun-
tain of my filial affection was stirred to its profoundest depths,
and I gave way to tumultuous emotion. I leaned upon a
pillar and burst into tears. I deem it no shame to have wept
over the grave of my poor dead relative.
sneer at my emotion close this volume. Noble old man he
did not live to see his child; and I-II, alas! did not live
to see him. Weighed down by sorrow and disappointment,
Let him who would
he died before I was born,-six thousand brief summers
25
HUMOR.
before I was born. But let us try to bear it with fortitude. Let
us trust he is better off where he is. Let us take comfort in the
thought that his loss is cur eternal gain."
Max Adeler on Going to Sleep.
Mr. Butterwick, of Roxborough, had a fit of sleeplessness
one night lately, and after vainly trying to lose himself in
slumber, he happened to remember that he once read in an al-
manac that a man could put himself to sleep by imagining that
he saw a flock of sheep jumping over a fence, and by counting
them as they jumped.
He determined to try the experiment, and closing his eyes,
he fancied the sheep jumping, and began to count. He had
reached his hundred and fortieth sheep, and was beginning to
doze off, when Mrs. Butterwick suddenly said:
"Joseph !"
"Oh, what?"
"I believe that yellow hen wants to set."
(6
Oh, don't bother me with such nonsense as that now. Do
keep quiet and go to sleep."
Then Butterwick started his sheep again, and commenced to
count again. He got up to one hundred and twenty, and was
feeling as if he would drop off at any moment, and just as his
hundred and twenty-first sheep was about to take that fence,
one of the twins began to cry.
Hang that child!" he shouted at Mrs. Butterwick. "Why
can't you tend to it and put it to sleep? Hush up, you little
imp, or I'll spank you!"
When Mrs. Butterwick had quieted it, Butterwick, although
a little nervous and excited, concluded to try it again. Turn-
ing on the imaginary mutton, he began.
Only sixty-four sheep had slid over the fence when Butter-
wick's mother-in-law knocked at the door and asked if he was
awake. When she learned that he was she said she believed
(6
1
1
WIT AND HUMOR.
:
ho had forgotten to close the back shutters, and she thought she
heard burglars in the yard.
Then Butterwick arose in wrath and went down to see about
it. He ascertained that the shutters were closed as usual, and
as he returned to bed he resolved that Mrs. Butterwick's mother
would leave the house for good in the morning, or he would.
However, he thought he might as well give the almanac plan
another trial, and setting the sheep in motion he began to
count. This time he reached two hundred and forty, and
would probably have got to sleep before the three hundredth
sheep jumped, had not Mix's new dog in the next yard become
suddenly homesick, and began to express his feelings in a series
of prolonged and exasperating howls.
Butterwick was indignant. Neglecting the sheep, he leaped
from the bed, and began to bombard Mix's new dog with boots,
soap-cups, and every loose object he could lay his hands on.
He hit the animal at last with a plaster bust of Daniel Webster,
and induced the dog to retreat to the stable and think all about
home in silence.
It seemed almost ridiculous, to sume those sheep again,
but he determined to give the almanac man one more chance,
and so as they began to jump the fence he began to count, and
after seeing the eighty-second safely over, he was gliding gen-
tly into the land of dreams, when Mrs. Butterwick rolled out
of bed and fell on the floor with such violence that she waked
the twins and started them crying, while Butterwick's mother-
in-law came down-stairs, four steps at a time, to ask if they felt
that earthquake.
The situation was too awful for words. Butterwick regarded
it for a minute with speechless indignation, and then seizing a
pillow he went over to the sofa in the back sitting-room and
lay down on the lounge.
He fell asleep in ten minutes without the assistance of the
almanac, but he dreamed all night that he was being butted
around the equator by a Cotswold ram, and he awoke in the
HUMOR,
}
morning with a terrible headache and a conviction that sheep
are good enough for wool and chops, but not worth a cent as a
narcotic.
Greek Humor.
Eli Perkins.
The writings of Eschines are full of Greek humor which is
often spoiled by the translators. Socrates was the founder of
the Greek school of humor as well as philosophy. When
Socrates died in Athens, Plato, Antisthenes and other pupils
opened schools to teach the Greek boys. Much of the humor
of the seven wise men of Greece was by proving a lie to be
For instance, Chrysippus said one day to Cleanthes:
true.
"I can prove you to be a very foul man.”
"How so Chrysippus?"
"This way, listen: Whatever you say comes out of you
mouth?"
Yes."
Well, you say snakes; therefore snakes come out of you
mouth."
66
Bret Harte on Ah Sin.
Which I wish to remark-
And my language is plain-
That for ways that are dark
And for tricks that are vain
The heathen Chinee is peculiar,
Which the same I would rise to explain.
Ah Sin was his name;
And I shall not deny
In regard to the same
What that name might imply;
But his smile it was pensive and child-like,
As I frequently remarked to Bill Nye.
It was August the third;
And quite soft was the skies;
Which it might be inferred
That Ah Sin was likewise;
Yet he played it that day upon William
And me in a way I despise.
WIT AND HUMOR.
ટેક
Which we had a small game,
And Ah Sin took a hand:
It was Euchre. The same
He did not understand;
But he smiled as he sat by the table,
With the smile that was child-like and bland.
Yet the cards they were stocked
In a way that I grieve,
And my feelings were shocked
At the state of Nye's sleeve;
Which was stuffed full of aces and bowers,
And the same with intent to deceive.
But the hands that were played
By that heathen Chinee,
And the points that he made
Were quite frightful to see-
Till at last he put down a right bower,
Which the same Nye had dealt unto me
Then I looked up at Nye,
And he gazed upon me;
And he rose with a sigh,
And said, “Can this be?
We are ruined by Chinese cheap labor”—
And he went for that heathen Chinee.
In the scene that ensued
I did not take a hand,
But the floor it was strewed
Like the leaves on the strand
With the cards that Ah Sin had been hiding,
In the game "he did not understand."
In his sleeves, which were long,
He had twenty-four packs-
Which was coming it strong,
Yet I state but the facts;
And we found on his nails, which were taper,
What is frequent in tapers-that's wax.
Which is why I remark,
And my language is plain,
That for ways that are dark,
And for tricks that are vain,
The heathen Chinee is peculiar-
Which the same I am free to maintain.

7.
len Ti
L
DU. Laure 95
65
'And he went for that heathen Chinee." (See page 28.)
3
Eq
FA
HUMOR.
29
Tim Crane and Widow Bedott.
V
Frances M. Whicher.
O no, Mr. Crane, by no manner o' means, 'tain't a minnit
tew soon for you to begin to talk about gittin' married agin.
I am amazed you should be afeerd I'd think so. See - how
long's Miss Crane ben dead? Six months! -- land o' Goshen !
why, I've know'd a number of individdiwals get married in
less time than that. There's Phil Bennett's widder t' I was a
talkin' about jest now she't was Louisy Perce - her husband
hadent been dead but three months, you know. I don't think
it looks well for a woman to be in such a hurry — but for a
man it's a different thing - circumstances alters cases, you
know. And then, sittiwated as you be, Mr. Crane, it's a tur
rible thing for your family to be without a head to superintend
the domestic consarns and tend to the children -- to say nothin'
o' yerself, Mr. Crane. You dew need a companion, and no
mistake. Six months! Good grievous! Why Squire Titus
dident wait but six weeks arter he buried his fust wife afore he
married his second. I thought ther wa'n't no partickler need
o' his hurryin' so, seein' his family was all grow'd up. Such
a critter as he pickt out, tew! 't was very onsuitable — but
every man to his taste I hain't no dispersition to meddle
with nobody's consarns. There's old farmer Dawson, tew
his pardner hain't ben dead but ten months. To be sure he ain't
married yet but he would a ben long enough ago if somebody
I know on 'd gin. him any incurridgement. But tain't for me
to speak o' that matter. He's a clever old critter and as rich
as a Jew-but-lawful sakes! he's old enough to be my
father. And there's Mr. Smith-Jubiter Smith-
you know
him, Mr. Crane-his wife (she 't was Aurory Pike) she died
last summer, and he's ben squintin' round among the wimmin
ever since, and he may squint for all the good it 'll dew him so
For as I'm consarned tho' Mr. Smith's a respectable man-
quite young and hain't no family - very well off tew, and quite
intellectible--but I'm purty partickler. O, Mr. Crane! it's
M
30
WIT AND KUMCE
:
ten year come Jinniwary sence I witnessed the expiration o'
my belovid companion !an oncommon long time to wait, to
be sure but 't aint easy to find anybody to fill the place o'
Hezekier Bedott. I think you're the most like husband of
ary individdiwal I ever see, Mr. Crane. Six months! inurder
ation! curus you should be ateard I'd think 'twas tew soon
why I've know'd "
MR. CRANE.
St. J
MENGATAS
1. Ja dgn meng
ל
"Well, widder-I've been thinking about
taking another companion - and I thought I'd ask you -"
WIDOW. "O, Mr. Crane, egscuse my commotion, it's so
onexpected. Jest hand me that are bottle of camfire off the
mantletry shelf-I'm ruther faint -dew put a little mite on
my handkercher and hold it to my nuz. There-- that 'Il dew
I'm oblecged tew ye now I'm ruther more composed -
you may perceed, Mr. Crane."
MR. CRANE. "Well, widder, I was agoing to ask you
whether whether"
WIDOW. "Continner, Mr. Crane-dew I knew it's tur-
-
rible embarrissin'. I remember when my dezeased husband
made his suppositions to me, he stammered and stuttered, and
was so awfully flustered it did seem as if he'd never git it out in
the world, and I s'pose it's ginnerally the case, at least it has
been with all them that's made suppositions to me you see
they're ginerally oncerting about what kind of an answer
they're agwine to git, and it kind o' makes 'em narvous. But
when an individdiwal has reason to suppose his attachment's
reperated, I don't see what need there is o' his bein' flustrated
-tho' I must say it 's quite embarrassin' to me -pray con-
tinner."
VERONIKA, ANGĻI
ܒܝ
MR. C. "Well, then, I want to know if you're willing
I should have Melissy?"
WIDOW. "The dragon!"
MR. C. "I hain't said anything to her about it yet,
thought the proper way was to get your consent first. I remem
ber when I courted Trypheny, we were engaged some time
"W"
2
81
HUMOR.
before mother Kenipe knew anything about it, and when she
found it out she was quite put out because I dident go to her
first. So when I made up my mind about Melissy, thinks me,
I'll dew it right this time and speak to the old woman first —”
WIDOW. "Old woman, hey! that's a purty name to call
me! — amazin' perlite tew! Want Melissy, hey! Tribble
ation! gracious sakes alive! well, I'll give it up now! I
always know'd you was a simpleton, Tim Crane, but I must
confess I diden't think you was quite so big a fool - want
Melissy, dew ye? If that don't beat all! What an everlastin'
old calf you must be to s'pose she'd look at you. Why, you're
old enough to be her father, and more tew - Melissy ain't
only in her twenty-oneth year. What a reedickilous idee for
a man o' your age! as gray as a rat, tew! I wonder what this
world is a comin' tew! 't is astonishin' what fools old widdi-
wers will make o' themselves! Have Melissy! Melissy!"
MR. C. "Why, widder, you surprise me I'd no idee
of being treated in this way after you'd ben so polite to
me, and made such a fuss over me and the girls."
-
WIDOW. "Shet yer head, Tim Crane-nun o' yer sass to
me. There's yer hat on that are table, and here's the door
and the sooner you put on one and march out o' t' other, the
better it 'll be for you. And I advise you afore you try to git
married agin, to go out west and see 'f yer wife's cold — and
arter ye're satisfied on that pint, jest put a little lampblack on
yer hair
hair — 'twould add to yer appearance undoubtedly, and be
of sarvice tew you when you want to flourish round among the
gals and when ye 've got yer hair fixt, jest splinter the spine
o' yer back'-'t wouldent hurt yer looks a mite-you'd be
intirely unresistible if you was a lettle grain straiter."
MR. C. "Well, I never!"
WIDOW. "Hold yer tongue-you consarned old coot, you.
I tell ye there's your hat, and there's the door-be off with yer
self, quick metre, or I'll give ye a hyst with the broomstick!"
MR. C. "Gimmeni!"
"
8
32
WIT AND HUMOR.
Wmow (rising). "Git out, I say-I ain't a gwine to stan'
here and be insulted under my own ruff-and so git along-
and if ever you darken my door agin, or say a word to Melissy,
it'll be the woss for you-that's all.”
MR. C. "Treemenjous! What a buster!"
WIDOW. "Go 'long-go 'long-go 'long, you everlastin' old
gum. I won't hear another word (stops her ears). I won't, I
won't, I won't.”
[Exit Mr. Crane.
(Enter Melissa, accompanied by Captain Canoot.)
"Good evenin', cappen! Well, Melissy, hum at last, hey?
why dident you stay till mornin'? purty business keepin' me
up here so late waitin' for you- when I'm eny most tired to
death ironin' and workin' like a slave all day;- ought to ben
a bed an hour ago. Thought ye left me with agreeable com-
pany, hey? I should like to know what arthly reason you had
to s'pose old Crane's was agreeable to me? I always despised
the critter; always thought he was a turrible fool- and now
I'm convinced on't. I'm completely dizgusted with him—and
I let him know it to-night. I gin him a piece o' my mind 't I
guess he'll be apt to remember for a spell. I ruther think he
went off with a flea in his ear. Why, cappen- did ye ever
hear of such a piece of audacity in all yer born days! for him
Tim Crane-to durst to expire to my hand- the widder o'
Deacon Bedott! jest as if I'd condescen' to look at him-the
old numbskull! He don't know B from a broomstick; but if
he'd a stayed much longer, I'd a teached him the difference, I
guess. He's got his walkin' ticket now-I hope he'll lemme
alone in futur.
patinga
Synopsis of the Play.
The following synopsis of the play as given in the dialect of
a New York newsboy is a bit of pure humor. There is no
●xaggeration in it-no wit, but it is pure unadulterated humor.
It is a picture drawn close to life :
Two small boys were looking at the black and red posters
HUMOR.
J
on the boards of a Bowery variety theatre. The larger of the
boys wore a man's overcoat, the sleeves of which had been
shortened by rolling them up till his red and grimy hands pro-
truded. The big coat was open in front, revealing a consider-
able expanse of cotton shirt. His hands were thrust in his
trousers pockets. The visor of his heavy wool cap had come
loose, except at the ends, and it rested on his nose. His
smaller companion wore a jacket and trousers that were much
too small even for him. His hat was of black fel: and of the
shape of a sugar loaf. His eyes were round with wonder at
the story his friend in the big overcoat was telling him. It
seemed to be a synopsis of the play,--scenes in which were
pictured on the boards.
"This duffer," said the boy, taking one hand from its pocket
and pointing to the picture of a genteel man with a heavy
black mustache, "is the vill'n. It begins wid him comin' on
the stage and sayin' :
"Wat, ho! Not here yet?'
"Then an Eyetalian covey wid big whiskers- he's the
vill'n's pal-comes on, an' the vill'n teils him that the girl mus'
be did away wid, so he can git the boodle.
"How much-a you give-a?' says the Eyetalian.
"Five tousand dollars,' says the vill'n, an' they makes the
bargain. The Eyetalian is goin' to make b'lieve that the girl
is his'n; that he's the girl's father. Then he is goin' to try to
git her away f'm her friends an' kill her. While they is
makin' the bargain a Dutchman and a darkey is listenin', an'
when the vill'ns goes away, the Dutchman comes out, an'
says he:
"Maybe yer don't was tink I hab heard sometings. don't
it? I vill safe dot girl!”
"The next scene is in a big, fine house. An old woman, all
dressed up swell, is tellin' a young prig that the girl is heir to
fifty tousand dollars, an' dey don't know who her fader an
mudder was. She was picked up on the steps when she was a
34
WIT AND HUMOR.
7
kid. The young feller tells his mudder that he don't care who
her folks was, an' that he'll marry her any way, even if she is
blind. The ole woman goes out an' a be-youtiful girl comes in,
pawin' the air 'cause she's blind an' can't see, an' says she to
the young chap:
"It can't never be !'
"The feller he don't b'lieve her, an' tells her she's givin' him
guff. After a lot of coaxin' she owns up that she likes him,
an' he spreads out his fins an' hollers:
"Then you do love me, Marie !" an' she tumbles.
"Then an ole man wid a white wig comes in-he's the
doctor-an' he looks at the girl's eyes an' says that he can cure
'em, but it may kill her. He takes out two bottles and says:
"In this is sump'n' that'll put yer into a sleep like death,
will yer risk it?'
"Be this me answer,' says the girl, an' she swallers the
bottle, an' tips over on the lounge.
"Jest before the doctor is goin' to fix her eyes the Eyetalian
jumps in an' says:
"Where is mai poor childa?' an' he won't let the doctor do
anythin'. There is a big row, an' the Dutchman comes in an'
says:
"She don't vas his child.'
"But the Eyetalian lugs her off, an' the vill'n-he turns out
to be her cousin-gets all the money.
↓
"The next scene is in the street. The Eyetalian an' the be
youtiful young girl all dressed in rags comes along, an' says
she:
"I'm so-o-o tired.'
"How mucha money you gota?' says the Eyetalian, an'
she says she hain't got no money. Then he goes to kill her,
an' the Dutchman hops out an' yells:
"You macaroni son-of a-gun !' an' the Eyetalian lights out.
"The Dutchman he takes the girl into his house an' comes
out in the street. The girl's feller comes along, an' while they
BUMOR
35
is talkin' the Eyetalian comes back an' sneaks in an' steals the
girl away. But the Dutchman's dog follers him an' shows the
way to the cop an' when gets there they finds out that she's
gone. They find her in a dive where lots of Eyctalians is
playin' whisky poker for the drinks. There's a big row agin,
an' the girl is took out an' carried back to her home. In the
row the Eyetalian gits all chawed up by the Dutchman's dog,
the cop lugs him off, an' he's sent up for ten years.
"In the last act the girl's eyes has been fixed, an' she's sittin'
on the piazzer. The papers has been found, an' the vill'n has
hollered, 'I'm lo-host, I'm lo-host!' The girl is sayin' how
glad she'll be to see her feller an' look into his eyes, when the
Eyetalian, who has cracked the jug, comes cre-e-e-pin' along in
striped togs, an says he to hisself:
"I will now have mia r-r-revenge!'
66 'The lights is turned down, an' the big fiddle goes zub-zub,
zub-zub.
"Then the Eyetalian creeps up an grabs the be-youtiful
young girl an' hollers, 'I will killa you!' an' pulls a big knife
out of his breeches pocket. The young girl yells, an', jest as
he's goin' to jab her wid the knife, they all rushes in, an' the
darkey pulls out a pop an' lets the Eyetalian have it in the ribs,
an' the Eyetalian tumbles down an' squirms, an' the be-youtiful
young girl faints away in her feller's arms, an' down goes the
curtain."
Mark Twain and the Interviewer.
The nervous, dapper, "peart" young man took the chair I
offered him, and said he was connected with the Daily Thun-
derstorm, and added:
"Hoping it's no harm, I've come to interview you.”
"Come to what? 99
"9
"Interview you.'
"Ah! I see. Yes-yes. Um! Yes-yes."
I was not feeling well that morning. Indeed, my powers
3
36
WIT AND HUMOR.
seemed a bit under a cloud. However, I went to the book-
case, and, when I had been looking six or seven minutes, found
I was obliged to refer to the young man. I said:
"How do you spell it?"
"Spell what?"
"Interview."
"Oh, my goodness! What do you want to spell it for?”
"I don't want to spell it. I want to see what it means.”
"Well, this is astonishing, I must say. I can tell you what
it means, if you—if you ".-
"Oh, all right! That will answer, and much obliged to
you, too."
"In, in, ter, ter, inter"-
"Then you spell it with an I?"
"Why, certainly !"
66
Oh, that is what took me so long !·
"Why, my dear sir, what did you propose to spell it with?"
"Well, I—I—I-hardly know. I had the Unabridged ;
and I was ciphering around in the back end, hoping I might
see her among the pictures. But it's a very old edition."
(6
Why, my friend, they wouldn't have a picture of it even
in the latest e-
My dear sir, I beg your pardon, I mean
no harm in the world; but you do not look as-as-intelligent
as I had expected you would. No harm,-I mean no harm at
all."
"Oh, don't mention it! It has often been said, and by
people who would not flatter, and who could have no induce-
ment to flatter, that I am quite remarkable in that way. Yes-
yes; they always speak of it with rapture.
""
"I can easily imagine it. But about this interview. You
know it is the custom now to interview any man who has
become notorious."
"Indeed! I had not heard of it before. It must be very
interesting. What do you do with it?"
46
‘Ah, well-well-well-this is disheartening. It ought to
HUMOR.
37
be done with a club, in some cases; but customarily it consists
in the interviewer asking questions, and the interviewed an-
swering them. It is all the rage now. Will you let me ask
you certain questions calculated to bring out the salient points
of your public and private history?"
"Oh, with pleasure-with pleasure. I have a very bad
memory; but I hope you will not mind that. That is to say,
it is an irregular memory, singularly irregular. Sometimes it
goes into a gallop, and then again it will be as much as a fort-
night passing a given point. This is a great grief to me.
""
"Oh! it is no matter, so you will try to do the best you
can."
"I will. I will put my whole mind on it.”
"Thanks! Are you ready to begin?”
"Ready."
Question. How old are you?
Answer. Nineteen in June.
Q. Indeed! I would have taken you to be thirty-five or
six. Where were you born?
A. In Missouri.
Q. When did you begin to write?
A. In 1836.
Q. Why, how could that be if you are only nineteen now?
A. I don't know. It does seem curious, somehow.
Q. It does, indeed. Whom do you consider the most
remarkable man you ever met?
A. Aaron Burr.
Q. But you never could have met Aaron Burr if you are
only nineteen years A. Now, if you know more about
me than I do, what do you ask me for?
Q. Well, it was only a suggestion; nothing more. How did
you happen to meet Burr?
A. Well, I happened to be at his funeral one day; and he
asked me to make less noise, and-
Q. But, good heavens! If you were at hie funeral he must
38
WIT AND HUMOR.
have been dead; and, if he was dead, how could he care
whether you made a noise or not?
A. I don't know. He was always a particular kind of a
man that way.
Q. Still, I don't understand it at all. You say he spoke to
you, and that he was dead?
A. I didn't say he was dead.
Q. But wasn't he dead?
A. Well, some said he was, some said he wasn't.
Q. What do you think?
A. Oh, it was none of my business! It wasn't any of my
funeral.
Q. Did you
However, we can never get this matter
straight. Let me ask you something else. What was the date
of your birth?
A. Monday, October 31, 1693.
Q. What! Impossible! That would make you a hundred
and eighty years old. How do you account for that?
A. I don't account for it at all.
Q. But you said at first you were only nineteen, and now
you make yourself out to be one hundred and eighty. It is an
awful discrepancy.
A. Why, have you noticed that? (Shaking hands.) Many
a time it has seemed to me like a discrepancy; but somehow
I couldn't make up my mind. How quick you notice a
thing.
Q. Thank you for the compliment, as far as it goes. Had
you, or have you any brothers or sisters?
A. Eh! I-I-I think so,-yes-but I don't remember.
Q. Well, that is the most extraordinary statement I ever
heard.
A. Why, what makes you think that?
Q. How could I think otherwise? Why, look here! Who
is this picture on the wall? Isn't that a brother of yours?
A. Oh, yes, yes! Now you remind me of it, that was a
HUMOR.
39
brother of mine. That's William, Bill we called him. Poor
old Bill !
We never could tell. There
Q. Why, he is dead, then?
A. Ah, well, I suppose so.
was a great mystery about it.
Q. That is sad, very sad.
A. Well, yes, in a sort of general way. We buried him.
Q. Buried him! Buried him without knowing whether he
was dead or not?
He disappeared then ?
A. Oh, no! Not that. He was dead enough.
If you
Q. Well, I confess that I can't understand this. If
buried him, and you knew he was dead-
A. No, no! We only thought he was.
Q. Oh, I see! He came to life again.
A. I bet he didn't.
Q. Well, I never heard anything like this. Somebody
was dead. Somebody was buried. Now, where was the
mystery?
A. Ah, that's just it! That's it exactly! You see we were
twins,-defunct and I; and we got mixed in the bath tub when
we were only two weeks old, and one of us was drowned. But
we didn't know which. Some think it was Bill: some think
it was me.
Q. Well, that is remarkable. What do you think?
A. Goodness knows! I would give whole worlds to know.
This solemn, this awful mystery has cast a gloom over my
whole life. But I will tell you a secret now, which I never
have revealed to any creature before. One of us had a peculiar
mark, a large mole on the back of his left hand that was me.
That child was the one that was drowned!
Q. Very well, then, I don't see that there is any mystery
about it, after all.
A. You don't? Well, I do. Anyway, I don't see how they
could ever have been such a blundering lot as to go and bury
the wrong child. But, 'sh! don't mention it where the family
1
40
WIT AND HUMOR.
*
1
can hear it. Heaven knows they have heart-breaking troubles
enough without adding this.
Q. Well, I believe I have got material enough for the pres-
ent; and I am very much obliged to you for the pains you
have taken. But I was a good deal interested in that account
of Aaron Burr's funeral. Would you mind telling me what
particular circumstance it was that made you think Burr was
such a remarkable man?
*
A. Oh, it was a mere trifle! Not one man in fifty would
have noticed it at all. When the sermon was over, and the
procession all ready to start for the cemetery, and the body all
arranged nice in the hearse, he said he wanted to take a last
look at the scenery; and so he got up, and rode with the
driver.
The young man reverently withdrew. He was very pleasant
company; and I was sorry to see him go.
The Kicking Mule.
One morning 'Squire Johnson was riding his kicking mule to
market when he met Jim Boggs, against whom he had an old
and concealed grudge. The 'Squire knew Boggs' weakness
lay in bragging and betting; therefore he saluted him accord
ingly.
"How are you, Jim? Fine morning."
"Hearty, 'Squire,” replied Jim. "Fine weather. Nice
mule that you are riding. Will he do to bet on?”
"Bet on? Guess he will. I tell you, Jim Boggs, he's the
best mule in the country."
"Great thunder! Is that so?" ejaculated Jim.
"Solid truth, every word of it. Tell you confidentially, I
am taking him down for betting purposes. I bet he can kick
a fly off any man without its hurting him."
"Now look here, 'Squire," said Jim, "I am not a betting
character, but I'll bet you something on that myself."
HUMOR.
$1
"Jim, there's no use don't bet," said the 'Squire. "I don't
want to win your money."
"Don't be alarmed, 'Squire. I'll take such bets as them
every time."
65
'Well, if you are determined to bet, Jim, I will risk a small
stake say five dollars."
"All right, 'Squire—you're my man. But who'll he kick
the fly off? There is no one here but you and I. You try
it."
"No," says the 'Squire; "I have to be at the mule's head
to order him.”
"Oh, yaas," says Jim. "Then probably I'm the mat.
Waal, I'll do it, but you are to bet ten against my five if I
isk it."
"All right," said the 'Squire. "Now there's a fly on your
shoulder. Stand still."
Stand still." And the 'Squire adjusted the mule.
"Whist, Jervey !" said the 'Squire.
The mule raised his heels with such velocity and force that
Boggs rose in the air like a bird and alighted on all fours in a
muddy ditch, bang up against a rail fence.
Rising in a towering passion, he exclaimed:
"Yaas, that is smart! I knew your darned mule couldn't
do it. You had all that put up. I wouldn't be kicked like
that for fifty dollars. Now you can just fork them stakes right
over."
"No, sir," said the 'Squire; "Jervey did just what I said
he would. I said he would kick a fly off a man without its
hurting him, and he did. You see the mule is not hurt by
the operation. However, if you are not satisfied, we will try
again as often as you wish."
Jim brushed the mud off, looked solemnly at the mule, and
then, putting his hand thoughtfully to his brow, remarked:
"No, 'Squire, I don't think the mule is hurt; but I didn't
understand the bet. You can keep the money. ”
WIT AND HUMOR.
Bret Harte's Tragedy at 4-Ace Flat.
There was evidently trouble brewing, and trouble of abnor
mal interest, for never before in the history of Four Ace Flat
had all hands knocked off work tor a whole day. When Abe
Tucker was hung a committee took charge of the solemnities,
and the rest of the inhabitants attended to their business as
usual. Even when Bud Davis held four queens over the king
full of the 'Frisco man, with six hundred thousand in the pot,
the honest denizens of the Flat industriously stuck to their le
gitimate vocation of gouging each other, and local tradition
says that the fight between Mullins and the Kid did not draw
a half playing ring side.
But to-day the whole Flat was at leisure, and it was rumored
in the morning that Buck Galloway would wear a plug hat and
possibly a vest when he appeared on the field. Bill Leffing-
well had bought a new blue flannel shirt that morning, and it
was said that he had greased his boots, all of which proved to
be true, though denounced as canards by the skeptics when
first mentioned in their presence.
At the Oriental saloon there was tripe on the free lunch
table, and at Palace Garden blue chips had gone to twenty
dollars.
And yet it was not a gala day. There was an earnestness in
the faces of men that destroyed any idea that a picnic or a
lynching matinee was in prospect. Besides, the constitution
of the Flat was rigorously in favor of postponing all pleasure
until night, and so it was manifest that there was trouble on
hand and trouble of a serious nature.
During the morning it was all gossip, but toward noon, when
Buck Galloway, in the much envied plug hat, and Bill Leffing
well, resplendent in full blue shirt of dazzling brilliancy, with
boots greased to a mirror-like resplendency, passed each other
on the street without the customary salutation, all Four Ace
Flat knew that the hour had come and braced itself for the
eraitement
HUMOR
44
Pools took a new impetus. Money was placed rapidly, and
in the market loans were effected at the heavy percentage of
four for one, which made it easy to keep the reckoning.
"Think she'll stay game?" asked Pete Wilder, as he exam-
ined his pistol and loaded it with grave solicitude.
"For whatever yer got, she will," responded Mr. David
Sampson, who, by reason of his having added some salt cod-
fish to his stock of liquors, had become a merchant and been
elected mayor. "She'll stick like a tree."
"And the Englishman?" demanded Pete, taking aim at a
man who had refused him a thousand dollars.
66
'Pretty good shot," criticised Mayor Sampson, as the unac
commodating capitalist dropped in his tracks; "took him just
under the ear. Yes, sir, I think the Englishman will stay, too."
And they joined the crowd who were pressing toward the
outskirts of the town.
"You say along the outside of the weepin, Bill?” remarked
e tall handsome girl to Mr. Leffingwell, as she fastened her hat
with a steady hand. Life in the silver leads had left its impress
on her face, which, in spite of the traces of dissipation, had
still soft lines of womanly loveliness in it.
"Right along the outside and for the hip," replied Mr. Left-
ingwell, who was admiring his shirt with an animated coun-
tenance.
"Are we most ready, Buck?" inquired a large, fine-looking
Englishman of Galloway. "I don't regret the act. But I
may hold to-day in remorse as long as 1 live."
66
'Oh, blow that!" retorted Mr. Galloway.
"Aim low and
let remorse keep shop while you're gone."
Out on the mountain side were congregated the wealth and
fashion of Four Ace Flat. Above them the trees waved mu-
sically in the summer air, and the broad stretches of sweet
grass smiled or looked sad as the great billows of clouds cast
shadows upon them.
The Englishman looked around him, and saw that he was no
4
44
WIT AND HUMOR.
favorite. The bold, beautiful face of the brave girl had won
such prejudice as the Flat thought it good judgment to show on
an occasion which demanded the bone and sinew of fair play.
And as he looked at her, whom he had never seen before, the
Englishman expressed a thrill of admiration.
Mr. Galloway raised his hat to Mr. Leffingwell, and here a
complication arose. Mr. Leffingwell's hat was old and mis-
shapen, and Mr. Galloway peremptorily declined to accept the
raising thereof as a return of his salutation. Mr. Leffingwell
protested, but public opinion was against him, and it was at
length decided that he could not, so to speak, put old cloth into
a new garment, and therefore, forasmuch as Mr. Galloway had
taken off his new hat to Mr. Leffingwell, on the field of honor,
Mr. Leffingwell must return the courtesy by taking off his new
shirt to Mr. Galloway.
This delicate point having been satisfactorily settled, Mayor
Sampson improved the opportunity for a little oratory, saying,
in substance, that as how the English bloke had bu'sted a hole
in the gal's side pardner, for which she had demanded satisfac
tion, all he, Mayor Sampson, could add to the preliminaries
was goin' in for keeps and may the best man win.
There was not a tremor as Bill Leffingwell placed her in po-
sition. Her face was as calm as the air around her, and as
she gazed upon her foe, he who had sent her husband home
with no recognition for her in his eyes, a smile played around
her lips, for she knew he would soon go down among the
roots and worms where she had planted the only thing she
ever loved.
"What's your weepins! You have the choice," asked Bill
of Galloway.
"He has got 'em
The Englishman had heard the question, and now advanced
with a large paper parcel. He was pale, but calm and obvi
ously under control
"I'm dogged if I know," replied Buck.
there, but he won't let on to me."
HUMOR.
45
"I have one like this," he said quietly.
let her open the bundle and 1 will mine.
if not both."
"At the word 'fire'
One of us will fail,
The girl took the package and held it firmly. Leffingwell
had won the word, and at his "One, two, three, fire !" both
papers fell to the ground.
The Englishman stood firm, but with a wild shriek that
woke every hiding echo in the Sierras the giri dropped -
dead!
magn
"It's a lucky thing your Englishman got out," remarked
Bill to Buck, as they met at the Oriental during the evening.
"The boys would have grafted him if he'd stayed.”
"You bet!” replied Buck. "If I'd know'd what it was, he'd
have got it from me right there."
"What was the weepin, anyway?" asked the barkeeper,
who had not been able to attend because cf some financial
regulation imperatively demanded by the till in the absence of
the proprietor."
"What was it?" sneered Bill. "What was it? It war a
dog-goned live mouse! That's what it war !"
Eli Perkins On Preventing Fires
It pains me to hear of so many people being burned on ac-
count of elevators and defective flues. To-day Professor Edson
and I laid a plan before the Fire Inspectors, which, if carried
out, will remedy the evil.
When I called on Professor Edson at Menlo Park, he was
engaged on a new experiment. He was trying to abstract the
heat from fire, so as to leave the fire perfectly harmless, while
the heat could be carted away in flour-barrels to be used for
cooking. Then the Professor tried experiments in concentrat-
ing water to be used in the engines in case of drought. The
latter experiment proved eminently successful. Twelve barrels
of Croton water were boiled over the stove, and evaporated
46
WIT AND HUMOR.
0
down to a gill, and this was sealed in a small phial, to be di
luted and used to put out fires in cases of drought or in cases
where no Croton water can be had. In some cases the water
was evaporated and concentrated till it became a fine dry pow
der. This fine, dry powder, the Professor tells me, can be
carried around in the vest-pockets of the firemen, and be blown
upon the fires through tin horns--that is, it is to extinguish
the fire in a horn.
I examined the Professor's pulverized water with great in-
terest, took a horn-in my hands-and proceeded to elucidate
to him my plan for constructing fire-proof flues. I told him
that, to make fire-proof flues, the holes of the flues should be
constructed of solid cast-iron, or some other non-combustible
material, and then cold corrugated iron, without any apertures.
should be poured around them.
“Wonderful !” exclaimed Professor Edson in a breath, “but
where will you place these flues, Mr. Perkins?”
66
66
"My idea," I replied, drawing a diagram on the wall-paper
with a piece of charcoal, is to have these flues in every in
stance located in the adjoining house."
"Magnificent! but how about the elevator?" asked the
Professor.
Why, after putting them in the next house too, I'd seal
them up water-tight, and fill them with Croton and then let
them freeze. Then I'd turn them bottom-side up, and if they
catch fire the flames will only draw down into the cellar."
Professor Edson said he thought my invention would event
ually supersede the Phonograph and do away entirely with the
necessity of the Keely-motor.
66
Artemas Ward.
"I like art. I admire dramatic art, although I failed as an
actor. It was in my schoolboy-days that I failed as an actor.
The play was the "Ruins of Pompeii." I played the Ruins.
HUMOR.
47
It was not very successful performance; but it was better than
the 'Burning Mountain.' He was not good. He was a bad
Vesuvius. The remembrance often makes me ask "Where are
the boys o' my youth?' I assure you this is not a conundrum.
Some are amongst you here, some in America, some are in
jail. Hence arises a most touching question: Where are the
girls of my youth?' Some are married; some would like to
be. O my Maria! Alas! she married another; they frequently
do. I hope she is happy; because I am. Some people are
not happy: I have noticed that.
My orchestra is small; but I am sure it is very good, so far
as it goes. I give my pianist ten pounds a night and his washing.
"I like music. I can't sing. As a singest, I am not a suc
cess. I am saddest when I sing: so are those who hear me:
they are sadder even than I am. The other night, some silver-
voiced young man came under my window, and sang, 'Come
where my love lies dreaming.' I didn't go: I didn't think it
would be correct."
6
Artemas said he had heard of persons being ruined by large
fortunes. He thought, if ruin must befall him, he should choose
to have it come in this form. He even said plainly, “I want
to be ruined by a large fortune."
Artemas said that Brigham Young was the most married
man he ever saw in his life. "I saw," said he, "his mother-
in-law, while I was there. I can't exactly tell how many there
is of her; but there's a good deal. It strikes me that one
mother-in-law is about enough to have in a family, unless you
are fond of excitement. Some of these Mormons have terrific
families. I lectured one night by invitation, in the Mormon
village of Provost; but during the day, I rashly gave a leading
Mormon an order admitting himself and family. It was before
I knew he was much married; and they filled the room to
over-flowing. It was a great success; but I didn't get any
money.
"I regret to say that efforts were made to make a Mormon
4
48
WIT AND HUMOR.
of me while I was in Utah. It was leap-year when I was there;
and seventeen young widows, the wives of a deceased Mormon,
offered me their hearts and hands. I called on them one day;
and taking their white, soft hands in mine,-which made
eighteen hands altogether--I found them in tears. And I said,
'Why is thus ! What is the reason of this thusness?' They
hove a sigh-seventeen sighs of different size. They said,
'Doth not like us?' I said, 'I doth, I doth!' I also said, '1
hope your intentions are honorable; as I am a lone child, my
parents being far, far away.' They then said, 'Wilt not marry
us?" 'Oh, no! it cannot was.' Again they asked me to
marry them, and again I declined. Then they cried, 'O cruel
man! this is too much,-oh! too much!'
M. Quad's Deaf Woman.
A deaf old lady walked into a Main street store, recently,
and asked for ten cents' worth of soap.
"We don't sell a bit's worth," said the polite clerk.
66
'Yes, I want the yeller kind,” replied the old lady.
"You don't understand me, madam," said the clerk; "I
said a bit won't buy any soap in this establishment.”
"Sure enough," replied the aged customer; "soap isn'
what it used to be in my time; they put too much rozum in it
these days."
"Oh, Lord!" exclaimed the now distracted clerk, in a stage
whisper, "will you just hear this old lunatic?" Then placing.
his mouth to the dame's ear, he fairly screamed: "We don't
se-ell a bit's worth of soap he-re!"
"Yes," said the old lady, "you may put it up
you may put it up in paper and
""
tie a string around it, if you like.'
The clerk rushed to a box, took out a bar of soap, and almost
threw it at the poor old woman, exclaiming:
"Take it and get, you old haridan of thunderation ! »
¿
HUMOR.
49
The old lady carefully laid her dime on the counter, and, as
she did so, remarked to the clerk :
"You're the politest and accommodatin'est young man I
ever seed, and I'll call agin when I want some more soap.
99
Billings' "Probabilities."
Truth iz sed to be stranger than fickshun; it is to most
pholks.
About the hardest thing a fellow kan do iz to spark 2 gals
at one time and preserve a good average.
Don't dispize your poor relashuns. They may be taken sud-
denly ritch sum day, and then it will be awkward to explain
things to them.
Next to a klear konshience for solid comfort cums an easy
boot.
If a young man hain't got a well-balanced head, I like to see
him part his hair in the middle.
I don't take any foolish chances. If I wuz called upon to
mourn over a dead mule, I should stand in front ov him and
do my weeping.
There is no man so poor but what he can afford to keep one
dog, and I hev seen them so poor that they could afford to
keep three.
I say to 2 thirds of the rich people in this world, make the
most on your money, for it makes the most ov you. Happy
thought.
I never argy agin a success. When I see a rattlesnaïx's
head sticking out of a whole, I bear off to the left and say to
miself that hole belongs to that snaix.
The infidel argys just az a bull duz chained to a post. He
bellows and saws, but he don't git loose from the post, i
notiss.
I thank the Lord that there is one thing in this world that
50
WET AND HUMOR.
money kant buy, and that iz the wag ov a dog's tail Yure
unkle.
I have seen mer. so fond of argument that they would dis
pute with a guideboard at the forks of a kuntry road about the
distance to the next town. What fools.
Mark Twain Buying Gloves in Gibraltar.
A very handsome young lady in the store offered me a pair
of blue gloves. I did not want blue, but she said they would
look very pretty on a hand like mine. The remark touched
me tenderly. I glanced furtively at my hand, and somehow it
did seem rather a comely member. I tried a glove on my left,
and blushed a little. Manifestly the size was too small for me.
But I felt gratified when she said:
"Oh, it is just right!" yet I knew it was no such thing.
I tugged at it diligently, but it was discouraging work. She
said:
"Ah! I see you are accustomed to wearing kid gloves, but
some gentlemen are so awkward about putting them on."
It was the last compliment I had expected. I only under-
stand about putting on the buckskin article perfectly. I made
another effort, and tore the glove from the base of the thumb
into the palm of the hand, and tried to hide the rent. She
kept up her compliments, and I kept up my determination to
deserve them or die.
"Ah, you have had experience!" [A rip down the back of
the hand.] "They are just right for you—your hand is very
small-if they tear, you need not pay for them." [A rent
across the middle.] "I can always tell when a gentleman un-
derstands putting on kid gloves. There is a grace about it
that only comes with long patience." [The whole afterguard of
the glove "fetched away," as the sailors say, the fabric parted
across the knuckles, and nothing was left but a melancholy
ruin.}
HUMOR.
C
51
·
I was too much flattered to make an exposure and throw tlie
merchandise on the angel's hands. I was hot, vexed, confused,
but still happy, but I hated the other boys for taking such an
absorbing interest in the proceedings. I wished they were in
Jericho. I felt exquisitely mean when I said cheerfully:
"This one does very well; it fits elegantly. I like a glove
that fits. No, never mind, ma'am, never mind; I'll put the
other on in the street. It is warm here."
It was warm. It was the warmest place I ever was in. I
paid the bill, and, as I passed out with a fascinating bow, I
thought I detected a light in the woman's eye that was gently
ironical, and when I looked back from the street, and she was
laughing to herself about something or other, I said to myself,
with withering sarcasm: "Oh, certainly; you know how to put
on kid gloves, don't you?— a self-complacent ass, ready to be
flattered out of your senses by every petticoat that chooses to
take the trouble to do it!"
4
George Peck on Hugging in the Parks.
The law-abiding people of this community were startled on
Tuesday, and the greatest indignation prevailed at an editorial
article in the Sentinel denouncing the practice of hugging in
the public parks. The article went on to show that the placing
of seats in the parks leads to hugging, and the editor denounced
hugging in the most insane manner possible.
The Sun does not desire to enter politics, but when a great
constitutional question like this comes up, it will be found on
the side of the weak against the strong.
The Sentinel advises the removal of the seats from the park
because hugging is done on them. Great heavens ! has it come
to this? Are the dearest rights of the American citizen to be
abridged in this summary manner? Let us call the attention
of that powerful paper to a clause in the Declaration of Inde-
pendence, which asserts that "all men are created free and
52
WIT AND HUMOR.
equal, endowed with certain inalienable rights, among which
are life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. When the fram
ers of that great Declaration of Independence were at work on
that clause, they must have had in view the pastime of hugging
in the parks.
Hugging is certainly a "pursuit of happiness." People do
not hug for wages—that is, except on the stage. Nobody is
obliged to hug. It is a sort of spontaneous combustion, as it
were, of the feelings, and has to have proper conditions of the
atmosphere to make it a success. Parties who object to hug
ging are old, usually, and have been satiated, and are like a
lemon that has done duty in circus lemonade. If they had a
job of hugging, they would want to hire a man to do it for
them.
A man who objects to a little natural, soul-inspiring hug
ging on a back seat in a park, of an evening, with a fountain
throwing water all over little cast-iron cupids, has probably
got a soul, but he hasn't got it with him. To the student of
nature, there is no sight more beautiful than to see a flock
of young people take seats in the park, after the sun has gone
to bed in the west, and the moon has pulled a fleecy cloud
over her face for a veil, so as not to disturb the worshipers.
A couple, one a male and the other a female, will sit
far apart on the cast-iron seat for a moment, when the
young lady will try to fix her cloak over her shoulders, and
she can't fix it, and then the young man will help her, and
when he has got it fixed, he will go off and leave one arm
around the small of her back. He will miss his arm, and
wonder where he left it, and go back after it, and in the dark
he will feel around with the other hand to find the hand he
left, and suddenly the two hands will meet; they will express
astonishment, and clasp each other, and be so glad that they
will begin to squeeze, and the chances are that they will cut
the girl in two, but they never do. Under such circumstances,
*
HUMOR.
53
a girl can exist on less atmosphere than she can when doing a
washing.
There is just about so much hugging that has to be done, and
the Sentinel should remember that very many people have
not facilities at their homes for such soul-stirring work, and
they are obliged to flee to the parks, or to the woods, where
the beneficent city government has provided all of the modern
improvements.
Hugging is as necessary to the youth of the land as medi-
cine to the sick, and instead of old persons, whose days of
kittenhood are over, throwing cold water upon the science of
hugging, they should encourage it by all legitimate means.
When, in strolling through the parks, you run on to a case
of sporadic hugging, instead of making a noise on the gravel
walk, to cause the huggists to stop it, you should trace your
steps noiselessly, get behind a tree, and see how long they can
stand it without dying. Instead of removing the cast-iron
seats from the parks, we should be in favor of furnishing
reserved seats for old people, so they can sit and watch the
hugging,
It doesn't do any hurt to hug.
People think it is unhealthy, but nobody was ever known to
catch cold while hugging. It is claimed by some that young
people who stay out nights and hug, are not good for anything
the next day. There is something to this, but if they didn't
get any hugging they wouldn't be worth a cent any time.
They would be all the time looking for it.
Good Morning.
"Madam," he said, "you see before you a blighted fellow-
creature! I ain't a tramp, marm, I ain't! I have had my
little store of wealth laid away for these rainy days, but, ah!
marm, a relative and spéculation brought me to this sad state
54
WIT AND HUMOR.
in which you see me! I was long on railroad stock, marm,
and- eh? Wood? Me? Me saw that wood? Madam, I feel
that you can not realize my situation! Good morning!"
Mark Twain on the First Woman in Nevada.
Old inhabitants tell how, in a certain Nevada camp, the
news went abroad early in the morning that a woman was
come! The miners had seen a calico dress hanging out of a
wagon down at the camping ground-sign of emigrants from
over the great plains. Everybody went down there, and a
shout went up when an actual bona fide dress was discovered
fluttering in the wind! The male emigrant was visible. The
miners said:
"Fetch her out!"
He said: "It's my wife, gentlemen- she is sick — we have
been robbed of money, provisions, everything, by the Indians
we want to rest.”
66
'Fetch her out! We've got to see her!"
"But, gentlemen, the poor thing, she—”
"FETCH HER OUT!"
He "fetched her out," and they swung their hats and sent up
three rousing cheers and a tiger; and they crowded around
and gazed at her, and touched her dress, and listened to her
voice with the look of men who listened to a memory rather
than a present reality- and then they collected twenty-five
hundred dollars in gold and gave it to the man, and swung
their hats again, and gave three more cheers, and went home
satisfied.
Eli Perkins' Pedometer.
One of the most curious little instruments brought out lately
by Tiffany & Co. is the pedometer,-a small machine about
the size of a watch, which you carry in your pocket to denote
HUMOR.
55
1
the distance you travel on foot or ride on horseback. It is a
very accurate machine. A friend of mine put one in his pocket
the other day, and walked from the Fifth Avenue Hotel to
Central Park and back. Strange to say, it marked the distance
as accurately as a surveyor could measure it. The little ma-
chine works this way: It tells the number of steps you
take, or that your horse takes, during any given time. To get
the length of these steps you take an average. That is, you
walk two hundred feet; then count the number of steps;
divide the number of inches traveled by the number of steps,
and you will have the length of your average step. Then set
the pedometer and start.
The other morning a young married lady, Mrs., who
had suspicions that her husband was "larking" too much when
he ought to be in his office attending to business, put a pedom-
eter in his pocket-book. Kissing his wife good-by, the inno-
cent husband sauntered out and took the stage for his down-
town office. In the stage he met a dashing widow, who took
him
up
to Central Park to see the animals, or rather to carry
on a flirtation on some retired, shady seats, roofed with wood-
bine and ivy. After promenading through the park, visiting
the seals, the ostriches, the baby lions, and the museum, the
sentimental husband returned home.
"Ah, ducky, where have you been--you look all tired out?"
asked the wife, as she kissed him as usual.
"Oh, down to the office; the same old drudgery. Oh, pet,
I'm so glad to get back to my little wifey."
"Did you take the stage to the door, sweet?" asked the
wife, tenderly.
"Yes, lovey; and I was too tired to walk home. Why, I
never went out to lunch, I was so busy."
"Just sat and wrote all day, darling, did you?
"Yes, daisey, all day long. Oh, I'm so tired!'
"Let me see your pocket-book, precious," continued the
}
56
WIT AND HUMOR.
wife; "I want to put something in it." Then she opened it
and took out the little pedometer.
"Oh, Edward!" she screamed as she held it up.
6 What? Caroline!
66
Why, here you've traveled eleven miles since morning.
Where have you been? How could you? Oh, you wicked,
bad man, to deceive your wife so !"
"But, Caroline-"
M
"Don't but me, Edward! You've been walking around all
day. You couldn't have been near the office at all. Oh, you
naughty, naughty man! I'm going home to my mother; I
won't live with you another day. Now, who was she? Who
was the lady?"
"Why, Caroline, I met Mrs. Swope, our clergyman's wife,
and
""
"No, you didn't; she's been with me all day! Oh, Ed
ward!" And then she burst into tears.
*
*
*
That night that poor, heart-broken husband swore by all the
pedometers in heaven or earth that he'd never lie to his wife
again. He even took a pew in the church next to his mother-
in-law, and every Sunday we can now see him with a pedom-
eter in his pocket measuring his way to church.
*
99
*
*
*
Politeness.
Ell Perkins.
Every one is effected by politeness. Once a gentleman went
to Milton, the author of "Paradise Lost," a man said to be
unsusceptible to flattery, and said:
"Mr. Milton, they say you are the only man in England who
can not be flattered."
"Do they say that?" asked Milton, his face beaming with
smiles.
Even Milton was touched with flattery.
HUMOR,
57
J
Mr. Lewis, of the Detroit Free Press, gives this instance of
Hattery:
"Can I see the lady of the house?" inquired a peddler of
an old woman.
66
'Well, yes, you can if you ain't blind!" snapped the woman
who had answered the bell.
"Oh, beg pardon, madam! You are the lady of the house,
then?"
"Yes, I am! What d'yer take me for? Did yer think I
was the gentleman of the house, or the next-door neighbor, or
one of the farm-hands, or the cat, or the ice-chest?”
"I didn't know, madam, but you might be the youngest
daughter."
66
Oh, did yer?
lady of the house.
Well, that was nat'ral, too," replied the
"What d'yer want, sir?"
Then the peddler displayed his wares, and when he left that
door-step half an hour later his face was full of pleasure and
his pockets were full of money. He understood human nature
and had made a good sale.
Mark Twain's Baby Speech.
[Mark Twain's remarks at the banquet of the Army of the
Tennessee were in response to the following toast:]
"The Babies: As they comfort us in our sorrows, let us not
forget them in our festivities."
Now, that's something like. We haven't all had the good
fortune to be ladies; we have not all been generals, or poets,
or statesmen; but when the toast works down to the babies,
we stand on common ground-for we've all been babies. It is
a shame that for a thousand years the world's banquets have
utterly ignored the baby, as if he didn't amount to anything!
If you, gentlemen, will stop and think a minute if you will
go back fifty or a hundred years, to your early married life,
58
WIT AND HUMOR.
;
and recontemplate your first baby-you will remember that he
amounted to a good deal-and even something over.
You soldiers all know that when that little fellow arrived at
family headquarters you had to hand in your resignation. He
took entire command. You became his lackey, his mere body-
guard; and you had to stand around, too.
had to stand around, too. He was not a com-
mander who made allowances for the time, distance, weather,
or anything else you had to execute his order whether it was
possible or not. And there was only one form of marching in
hic manual of tactics, and that was the double-quick. He
treated you with every sort of insolence and disrespect, and the
bravest of you did not dare to say a word. You could face
the death-storm of Donelson and Vicksburg, and give back
blow for blow; but when he clawed your whiskers, and pulled
your hair, and twisted your nose, you had to take it. When
the thunders of war sounded in your ears, you set your faces
toward the batteries and advanced with steady tread; but when
he turned on the terrors of his war-whoop, you advanced in-
the other direction, and mighty glad of the chance, too. When
he called for soothing-syrup, did you venture to throw out any
remarks about certain services being unbecoming to an officer
and a gentleman? No; you got up 2" got it! If he ordered
his pap-bottle, and it wasn't warm, did you talk back? Not
you; you went to work and warmed it. You even descended
so far in your menial office as to take a suck at that warm, in-
sipid stuff yourself to see if it was right!--three parts water
to one of milk, a touch of sugar to modify the colic, and a
drop of peppermint to kill those immortal hiccoughs. I can
taste that stuff yet!
And how many things you learned as you went along! Sen-
timental young folks still take stock in that beautiful old say
ing, that when the baby smiles in his sleep it is because the
angels are whispering to him. Very pretty, but "too thin "--
simply wind on the stomach, my friends. If the baby pro-
posed to take a walk at his usual hour-half-past two in the
1
HUMOR
50
morning-didn't you rise up promptly and remark (with a
mental addition which wouldn't improve a Sunday-school
much) that that was the very thing you were about to propose
yourself? Oh, you were under a good discipline. And as
you went fluttering up and down the room in your "undress
uniform," you not only prattled undignified baby-talk, but
even tuned up your martial voices and tried to sing, "Rock-
a-by-Baby on the Tree-top," for instance. What a spectacle
for an Army of the Tennessee! And what an affliction for the
neighbors, too, for it isn't everybody within a mile around that
likes military music at three o'clock in the morning. And
when you had been keeping this sort of thing up two or three
hours, and your little velvet head intimated that nothing
suited him like exercise and noise, and proposed to fight it out
on that line if it took all night-"Go on! What did you do?"
You simply went on till you dropped in the last ditch.
I like the idea that a baby doesn't amount to anything!
Why, one baby is just a house and a front yard full by itself;
one baby can furnish more business than you and your whole
interior department can attend to; he is enterprising, irrepres
sible, brimful of lawless activities; do what you please, you
can't make him stay on the reservation. Sufficient unto the
day is one baby. As long as you are in your right mind don't
you ever pray for twins. Twins amount to a permanent riot ; and
there ain't any real difference between triplets and insurrection.
Among the three or four million cradles now rocking in the
land are some which this nation would preserve for ages as
sacred things if we could know which ones they are. For in
one of these cradles the unconscious Farragut of the future is
at this moment teething. Think of it! and putting a word of
dead earnest, unarticulated, but justifiable, profanity over it,
too; in another, the future renowned astronomer is blinking at
the shining Milky Way with but a languid interest, poor little
chap, and wondering what has become of that other one they
call the wet-nurse; in another, the future great historian is
60
WIT AND HUMOR.
lying, and doubtless he will continue to lie till his y
mission is ended, in another, the future President is busying
himself with no profounder problem of State than what the
mischief has become of his hair so early; and in a mighty
array of other cradles there are now some 60,000 future office-
seekers getting ready to furnish him occasion to grapple with
that same old problem a second time! And in still one more
cradle, somewhere under the flag, the future illustrious com-
mander-in-chief of the American armies is so little burdened
with his approaching grandeurs and responsibilities as to be
giving his whole strategic mind, at this moment, to trying to
find out some way to get his own big toe into his mouth-an
achievement which (meaning no disrespect) the illustrious
guest of this evening also turned his attention to some fifty-six
years ago! And if the child is but the prophecy of the man,
there are mighty few will doubt that he succeeded.
Baley on "Cording" a Bedstead.
It is a little singular why your wife's mother will persist in
sleeping on a cord bedstead. But she does. You don't think
so much of this until you are called upon to put it
event generally takes place in the evening.
up, which
The bedstead has been cleaned in the afternoon, and, having
been soaked through with hot water, is now ready for putting
up.
Your wife holds the lamp and takes charge of the conversa
tion, The rope has been under water several times in the
course of the cleaning, and, having swollen to a diameter
greater than the holes in the rails, has also got into a fit of
coiling up into mysterious and very intricate forms. You at
first wonder at this, but pretty soon wonder ceases to be a vir-
tue, and then you scold.
The thread which has been wound around the end of the
rope to facilitate its introduction in the holes has come off, and
•
HUMOR.
61
you have to roll it up again. Then, after you have pulled it
through eight holes, your wife makes the discovery that you
have started wrong. The way that rope comes out of those
holes again makes your wife get closer to the door.
Then you try again, and get it tangled in your legs.
By this time you notice that this is the smallest bedroom in
the house, and you call the attention of your wife to the fact
by observing:
"Why on earth don't you open the door? Do you want to
smother me?"
She opens the door and you start again, and she helps you
with the lamp. First, she puts it on the wrong side of the rail,
then she moves it so the heat comes up from the chimney and
scorches your nose. Just as you need it the most you lose
sight of it entirely, and, turning arcund, find her examining
the wall to see how that man has put on the whitewash. This
excites you, and brings out the perspiration in greater profu-
sion, and you declare you will kick the bedstead out of doors if
she doesn't come around with that light. Then she comes
around.
Finally the cord is laid all right, and you proceed to execute
the very delicate job of tightening it. The lower ropes are
first walked over. This is done by stepping on the first one
and sinking it down, hanging to the head-board with the clutch
of death. Then you step with the other foot on the next line,
spring that down, lose your balance, grab for the head-board,
miss it, and come down in a heap. This is repeated more or
less times across the length of the bed, the only variety being
the new places you bruise.
The top cords are tightened in another way, and you now
proceed to that. You first put one foot on each rail, which
spreads you some, and as you do it the frightful thought strikes
you that if one of these feet should slip over, nothing on earth
would prevent you from being split through to the chin.
Then you pull up the first rope until your eyes seem to be
62
WIT AND HUMOK
on the point of rolling out of their sockets, and the blood in
your veins fairly groans, and, on being convinced that you
can't pull it any further without crippling yourself for life, you
catch hold of the next rope and draw that up, and grunt.
Then you move along to the next, and vull that up, and grunt
again.
Just as you have got to the middle and commence to think
that you are about through, even if your joints will never again
set as they did before, you some way or other miss the con-
nection, and find that you have got to go back and do it all
over.
Here you pause for a few minutes of oracular refreshment,
and then slowly and carefully work your way back. You
don't jump down and walk back, because you are afraid to
spread out in that way again. You sort of waddle back, work-
ing the way inch by inch, and with consummate patience. A
man thus stretched across the bedstead never becomes so ex
cited as to lose his presence of mind. It would be instant
death if he did.
Then he goes over it again, waddling and pulling, groaning
and grunting, while his wife moves around with the lamp, and
tells him to take it easy, and not scratch the bedstead any
more than he can help, and that she can't tell which creaks
the most, he or the bedstead. And after he gets through she
has the audacity to ask him to bring in the feather beds.
The New Dodge.
"Can you lend me five dollars for a day or two," asked an
impecunious individual of a rich New York merchant.
66
"O, certainly--glad to do it!" said the merchant, "We al-
ways keep five dollars on hand to lend. John," he said, turn-
ing to the clerk, "is our borrower's five dollars in now?"
"No, sir," said John, "a poor fellow just borrowed it."
"When will it come back?"
HUMOR.
¿
"Tomorrow, sir."
"Then, John, as soon as it comes in lend it to Mr. Borrow.
He's the next man you know." Don't forget!"
Mr. Borrow thinks a moment and then sadly walks away.
A. Fifth Avenue Episode.
Eli Perkins.
Miss Livingstone was calling on the Fifth Avenue Woffing.
tons yesterday afternoon. As she stepped out of her bottie-
green landaulet to walk up the Woffington brown-stone portico,
a swarm of sparrows from Union Square chirped and twittered
over her head and up along the eaves. The sparrows were
dodging about after flies and worms-something substantial-
while Miss Livingstone's mind never got beyond her lace over-
skirt and the artificials on her Paris hat.
"It's perfectly drefful, Edward!" she observed to the bell-
boy as she shook out her skirts in the hall-"howible!" Then
flopping herself into a blue satin chair she exclaimed: "I do
hate those noisy spaw'ows, Mrs. Woffington. They'r breastly
-perfectly atwocious!"
"But you know they destroy the worms, Miss Livingstone:
they kill millions of 'em--just live on 'em. Now, wouldn't you
rather have the sparrows than the worms, Miss Livingstone!
Wouldn't you?"
Just look at my new
“No, I wouldn't, Mrs. Woffington.
brown silk-the nasty, noisy things!
-"
"But worms eat trees and fage and fruit, Miss Living-
stone. They destroy-"
66
'They don't eat silk dresses, Mrs. Woffington, and they
don't roost on nine dollar ostrich feathers and thirty dollar hats,
do they? I'm for the worms, I tell you, and I don't care who
knows it! I hate the spaw'ows!"
“Well, I hate worms, I do. I hate—”
Just then Miss Livingstone's brother—a swell member of the
Knickerbocker club-Eugene Augustus Livingstone, entered,
64
WIT AND HUMOR.
interrupting the sentence, when both ladies turned on him; d
exclaimed:
"Oh, Mr. Livingstone, we are discussing sparrows and
worms, and we refer the question to you. Now answer, which
had you rather have-sparrows or worms?
66
Well, weally I kont say, ladies. Weally, 'pon m' honor
I kont, you kneuw-yeu kneuw. I never had”
"But which do you think you'd rather have, Mr. Living
stone? Which-"
"I weally kont say, ladies, for I never had the spawows-
at least, not since I can remember; but the worms-"
"Oh, Mr. Livingstone!" and then poor Eugene Augustus
had to open the window and sprinkle ice-water all over two
fainting Worth dresses, which looked as if some careless milli-
ner had let them drop-a woman sinker in each holding it to
the carpet.
How Englishmen Take Jokes.
Eli Perkins.
The English people, they say, are the slowest people on
earth to see a joke. Yesterday I was riding over the Grand
Trunk, near Toronto, and the typical Englishman, with eye-
glasses, an opera-glass hung around his neck, and a bundle of
canes and umbrellas under his arm, got on the train.
"There is one of those thick-headed Englishmen who can
never see a joke," remarked a bright commercial traveler.
"O I think you could make him see the point to a joke,” I
answered.
I'll bet anything," said my friend, "that you can't make
that man see the point to an American joke."
"All right," I said, "I'll try it."
So, after being introduced to the Englishman, I set out to
make him smile. I told him the best jokes I knew. He
always listened attentively, but, instead of seeing the precise
point, he would ask some explanation, while his face wore an
18. Marlin juplica
}
"Now, I don't see why an Indian is not entitled to a receipt as well as a white man. I entirely disagree with

مه
我​能
​HUMOR.
expression as blank as a Chinaman when you've paid him $5
too much change.
Finally I told the Englishman the old story of the Indian
who wanted a receipt for money paid to a white man. Said
1, "The Indian insisted that the white man should give him ♣
receipt.
رو
"What do you want a receipt for?" asked the white man,
"you've paid the money, and that's enough.
"But me must have receipt," insisted the Indian.
66
Why, what for?" asked the white man.
"Because," said the Indian, "Injun may die."
"Well, suppose you do die, I certainly can't collect this
money from you then.”
""
"But," continued the Indian, "me may die and go to
Heaven. The Lord he ask Injun if he good Injun; Injun say
yes. He ask Injun if he pay white man. Injun say yes, yes.
Then the Lord he say where is the receipt? What Injun do
then? Injun can't go looking all over hell after you!"
After I got through, the Americans laughed, as they always
will, even at an old joke, but the Englishman looked me
straight in the face without a smile. You would think he was
viewing the corpse at a funeral. Then he put his front finger
solemnly on the palm of his hand, and said argumentatively :
"Now, I don't see why an Indian is not entitled to a receipt
as well as a white man. I entirely disagree with "
But a roar of laughter from the Americans drowned his
sentence. It so confused the poor Englishman, to have his
honest opinions laughed at, that he turned his back on us and
solemnly waded through the dreary columns of London Punch
all the way into Toronto.
WIT AND HUMOR.
Theory vs. Practice.
A young athlete who had been taking boxing lessons for a
year stood on a brown-stone balcony on Fifth avenue, while a
peddler was screaming "straw-bu-ries."
"Do you sell any more berries for yelling in that manner?"
asked the young man of science as the peddler yelled his berries
at the top of his voice.
"Oh, take in your nose!" was the reply.
"Some one will take your whole body in some day !"
"But it won't be a man with a wart on his chin!"
"No impudence, sir!"
66
And none from you, either!
"You deserve a good trashing!"
""
"And perhaps you can give it to me!"
There was the golden opportunity. The one had science
the other impudence. The one had received thirty-eight les-
sons in boxing the other fairly ached to be pounded.
“Don't talk that way to me or I'll knock you down!” said
the finished pupil as he gently threw himself into position to
to mash a brick wall.
"Oh, you will, eh? Then let's see you do it !"
Even the graduate couldn't tell exactly what took place. He
remembered being kicked on the shins, struck on the chin and
twisted over a horse-block after he fell, but when consciousness
returned his wife and children were crying over him and the
peddler was two blocks down the street shouting:
"Straw-bu-ries- great big ones-red as blood-perfect
daisies-only two shillings for a heaping big quart ! "
Lewis' Lime Kiln Club.
"I would like to spoke a few words to Telescope Perkins, if
he am in de hall to-night," said the President, as the meeeting
opened.
HUMOR.
The brother wiped off his mouth and advanced to the plat
form, and Brother Gardner continued:
"Brudder Perkins. I met you at 8 o'clock in de evenin' on
'lecshun night."
"Yes, sah."
"You war what de white folks call slewed.”
"Ize mighty sorry, sah."
"You were full of glory. You felt dat you had saved de
kentry. Your clothes war all mud. Your breaf smelt of
skunks, an' you had to jump up and down an' whoop to keep
from bustin' yer biler.”
"Lots of white folks was doin' de same, sah."
{
"Sartin-sartin. You, an ole ex-slave, unable to read or
write, was only followin' in de footsteps of intelligent, edde-
cated white men. Brudder Perkins, I war walkin' round on
'lection day, an' I saw some curus things. I saw citizens who
would not swallow ten drops of whisky if life depended on it
wote fur men who hev sold the pisened stuff ober de bar fur
years. An' dat was savin' de kentry.
"I saw men who would turn a servant gal out doors on a
winter's night, if dey heard a scandle 'bout her, walk up to
de poles an' wote fur men who rent from two to half a dozen
houses to women of bad character. That was gwine it straight!
"I saw men whose wives am breakin' deir hearts ober de
wayward course of beloved sons, walk to de winder and stick
in ballots fur candidates who am in cahoots wid blacklegs an'
de steady patrons of gambling houses. Dat am de glory of
politics!
"I saw Christian men, who pray agin vice and shed tears
ober de wickedness of society, wote for candidates whose pri-
vate lives am one long night of debauchery an corruption.
Dat was standin' by de party.
"I saw ministers of de gospel cast wotes for drunkards, liber-
tines an' outlaws of society. Dat was supportin' de principle.
"I saw de honest, decent men arrayed on one side, and de
WIT AND HUMOR.
10-
!
•
thugs, thieves an' loafers on de odder, and de honest, decent
men war swept away like chaff befo' a gale. Dat was an illus-
trashun of de beauties of de 'lective franchise!'
39
The Steamboat Race.
"But I won't do it agin, sah," pleaded Brother Perkins.
"You kin sot down," quietly remarked the President. "Dat
same night I heard Aldermen bawlin' like mules bekase some
favorite candidate had pulled frew wid de aid of money an'
whisky. Citizens who wouldn't let you in at de front doah
rolled in de mud dat night like hogs. Men who hev sons to
bring up met an' shook hands an' rejoiced ober de 'leckshun of
candidates who know de way into ebery saloon an' poker-room.
in Detroit. Blame you, Brudder Perkins-blame you for fol
lerin' de example of leadin' white folks! No, sah! Go an'
sot down an' feel proud dat you come so nigh bein' an eminent
citizen!"
Mark Twain.
Presently the pilot said:
"By George, yonder comes the Amaranth !"
A spark appeared close to the water, several miles down the
river. The pilot took his glass and looked at it steadily for a
moment, and said, chiefly to himself: "It can't be the Blue
Wing; she couldn't pick us up this way. It's the Amaranth,
sure."
ie bent over a speaking-tuke and said :
"Who's on watch down there ?"
A hollow, inhuman voice mumbled up through the tube in
answer:
"I am-second engineer."
"Good! you want to stir your stumps, now, Harry; the
Amaranth's just turned the point, and she's just a humping her-
self, too!"
The pilot took hold of a rope that stretched out forward,
jerked it twice, and two mellow strokes of the big bell responded.
A voice on deck shouted:
60
HUMOR.
"Stand by, down there, with that larboard lead !”
"No, I don't want the lead," said the pilot; "I want you.
Roust out the old man-tell him the Amaranth's coming. And
go
and call Jim-tell him
"Aye! aye! sir."
The "old man" was the captain. He is always called so
on steamboats and ships. "Jim" was the other pilot. Within
two minutes both these men were flying up the pilot-house
stairway, three steps at a jump. Jim was in his shirt sleeves,
with his coat and his vest on his arm. He said:
Where's the glass ?"
"I was just turning in.
He took it and looked:
"Don't appear to be any night hawk on the jack-staff; it's
the Amaranth, dead sure !"
*
George Davis, the pilot on watch, shouted to the night
watchman on deck:
*
*
*
"How's she loaded ?"
"Two inches by the head, sir !"
"Tain't enough!"
*
*
The captain shouted now:
66
'Call the mate. Tell him to call all hands and get a lot of
the sugar forrard-put her ten inches by the head. Lively
now !"
"Aye! aye! sir!"
A riot of shouting and trampling floated up from below,
presently, and the uneasy steering of the boat soon showed
that she was getting "down by the head."
The three men in the pilot-house began to talk in short, sharp
sentences, low and earnestly. As their excitement rose, their
voices went down. As fast as one of them put down the spy
glass, another took it up-but always with a studied air of
calmness. Each time the verdict was:
"She's a-gaining!"
The captain spoke through the tubs :
WIT AND HUMOR.
"What steam are you carrying?"
"A hundred and forty-two, sir! but she's getting hotter and
hotter all the time."
The boat was straining, and groaning and quivering, like a
monster in pain. Both pilots were at work, now, one on each
side of the wheel, with their coats and vests off, their bosoms
and collars wide open, and the perspiration flowing down their
faces. They were holding the boat so close to the shore that
the willows swept the guards almost from stem to stern.
"Stand by !" whispered George.
"All ready!" said Jim under his breath.
"Let her come!"
The boat sprang away from the bank like a deer, and darted
in a long diagonal toward the other shore. She closed in again
and thrashed her fierce way along the willows as before. The
captain put down the glass:
“Blazes, how she walks up on us! I do hate to be beat!”
The Amaranth was within three hundred yards of the Boreas,
and still gaining. The "old man" spoke through the tube:
"What is she carrying now?"
"A hundred and sixty-five, sir."
"How's your wood?"
"Pine all out. cypress half gone-eating up cottonwood
like pie!"
"Break into the rosin on the main deck! pile it in—the boat
can pay for it!
""
Soon the boat was plunging and quivering and screaming
more madly than ever. But the Amaranth's head was almost
abreast the Boreas' stern.
"How's your steam now, Harry?"
"Hundred and eighty-two, sir."
"Break up the casks of bacon in the forrara hold! Pile it in!
Levy on that turpentine in the fantail drench every stick of
wood with it!"
The boat was a moving earthquake by this time.
11
ATUMOR
"How is she now?"
“A hundred and ninety-six and still a-swelling!—water be
low the middle gauge cocks!-carrying every pound she can
stand!-nigger roosting on the safety-valve!"
"Good! How's your draught?
"Bully! Every time a nigger heaves a stick of wood into
the furnace he goes out the chimney with it!"
""
The Amaranth drew steadily up till her jack staff breasted
the Boreas' wheel house-climbed along inch by inch till her
chimneys breasted it.
"Jim," said George, looking straight ahead, watching the
slightest yawning of the boat and promptly meeting it with the
wheel, "how'll it do to try Murderer's Chute?"
"Well it's-it's taking chances. How was the cottonwood
stump on the false point below Boardman's Island this morn-
ing?"
"Deep four!"
"Half three ! "
"Water just touching the roots."
"Well, it's pretty close work. That gives six feet scant in
the head of Murderer's Chute. We can just barely rub through
if we hit it exactly right. But it's worth trying. She don't
dare tackle it," meaning the Amaranth.
In another instant the Boreas plunged into what seemed a
crooked creek, and the lights of the Amaranth were shut out
in a moment. Not a whisper was uttered, now, but the three
men stared ahead into the shadows, and two of them spun the
wheel back and forth with anxious watchfulness, while the
steamer tore along, The Chute seemed to come to an end
every fifty yards, but always opened out in tine. Now the
ead of it was at hand. George tapped the big bell three times;
two leadsmen sprang to their posts, and in a moment their
weird cries rose on the night air and were caught up and re
reated by two men on the upper deck:
• No-o bottom!”
"S
;
WIT
WIT AND HUMOR.
"Quarter three!"
Mark under water three!"
"Half twain !"
"Quarter twain !—"
Davis pulled a couple of ropes, there was a jingling of small
bells far below, the boat's speed slackened, and the pent steam
began to whistle and the gauge cocks to scream.
"By the mark twain !"
"Quarter her-er-less twain !"
"Eight and a half?"
"Eight feet!"
"Seven an' a-half!-"
Another jingling of little bells and the wheels ceased turning
altogether. The whistling of the steam was something fright-
ful now; it almost drowned all other noises.
❤
"Stand by to meet her!
George had the wheel hard down and was standing on a
spoke.
"All ready!"
The boat hesitated, seemed to hold her breath-as did the
captain and pilots-and then she began to fall away to star-
board, and every eye lighted.
"Now then! meet her! meet her! snatch her!" The wheei
flew to port so fast that the spokes blended into a spider web,
the swing of the boat subsided; she steadied herself.
'Seven feet!"
"Sev-six and a half!
"Six feet! Six f
29
"Bang! She hit the bottom! George shouted through the
tube:
66
99
وو
Whale it at her!
Spread her wide open i
The escape pipes belched snowy pillars of steam aloft, the
boat groaned and surged and trembled and slid over into
"Mark twain ! "
66 Quarter ber heim.
93
A g
73
HUMOR.
P
Tap! tap! tap! (to signify "lay in the leads.")
And away she went, flying up the willow shore with the
whole silver sea of the Mississippi stretching abroad on every
hand, and, no Amaranth in sight.
The Curious Yankee.
A well-known citizen of Hartford, Connecticut, had taken
his seat in the afternoon train for Providence yesterday, when
a small, weazened-faced, elderly man, having the appearance
of a well-to-do farmer, came into the car, looking for a seat.
The gentleman good-naturedly made room for him by his side,
and the old man looked over him from head to foot.
"Going to Providence?" he said, at length.
"No, sir," the stranger answered, politely; "I stop at
Andover."
"I want to know! I belong out that way myself. Expect
to stay 'ong?"
"On over night, sir."
A short pause.
"Did you cal'late to put up at the tavern?"
"No, sir; I expect to stop with Mr. Skinner."
"What, Job Skinner's ?-Deacon Job-lives in a little brown
house on the old 'pike? Or, mebbe, it's his brother's? Was
it Tim Skinner's-Squire Tim's-where you was goin'?"
"Yes, it was Squire Tim's," said the gentleman, smiling.
"Dew tell if you are goin' there to stop over night. Any
connection of his'n?"
66 "No, sir."
"Well, now, that's curus! The old man ain't got into any
trooble, nor nothin', has he?" lowering his voice; "ain't goin'
to serve a writ onto him, be ye?"
"Oh, no, nothing of the kind."
"Glad on't. No harm in askin', I s'pose. I reckon Miss
Skinner's some connection of yourn?"
ક
26
WIT AND HUMOR,
yo
“No,” said the gentleman. Then, seeing the amused ex-
pression on the faces of two or three acquaintances in the
neighboring seats, he added in a confidential tone:
"I am
going to see Squire Skinner's daughter.
""
"Law sakes!" said the old man, his face quivering with
curiosity. "That's it, is it, I want to know? Goin' to see
Mirandy Skinner, be ye? Well, Mirandy's a nice gal-kinder
humbly, and long favored, but smart to work, they say, and I
guess you're about the right age for her too. Kep' company
together long?
""
"I never saw her in my life, sir."
"How you talk. Somebody's gin her a recommend, I s'pose,
and you're gin' clear out there to take a squint at her. Wa'al,
I must say there's as likely gals in Andover as Mirandy Skin-
I've got a family of grown-up darters myself. Never
was married afore, was ye? Don't see no weed on yur hat.”
ner.
"I have been married about fifteen years, sir. I have a
wife and five children." And then, as the long restrained mirth
of the listeners of this dialogue burst forth at the old man's
opened-mouthed astonishment, he hastened to explain: "I am
a doctor, my good friend, and Squire Skinner called at my
office this morning, to request my professional services for his
sick daughter."
Wa'al, now!" And the old man here waddled off into the
next car.
Stanley Huntley's "Les Incomprehensibles."
BOOK I.
Victor You Go.
A man sat on picket-fence.
Picket-fences were invented by Charlemagne, and improved
upon by Charles II of England.
Still the man sat on the fence.
A
HUMOR.
•
BOOK II.
The fence surrounded a tall, gloomy building. The building
had shutters at the windows. The man was a Frenchman.
They are copyrighted. All Frenchmen not bearing the signa-
ture of the author are spurious.
It was night. It was a dark night. Darkness is a shadow
that rises from the ground when the sun goes down.
The man on the fence was thinking. His name was Lip-
piatt.
↓
BOOK III.
Lippiatt loved Maronette. Maronette was a girl. She knew
Lippiatt. She did not know that Lippiatt loved her.
Maronette lived in the gloomy house. Lippiatt did not tell
Marcnette that he loved her. He was content to sit on the
fence in front of her house. He was a quiet man. Like all
Frenchmen, he was the bravest man in thirteen counties. He
was a tailor. A tailor is a man who promises to have your
clothes done for Saturday, and brings them around week after
next.
Lippiatt was poor. All heroes are poor.
99
BOOK IV.
Maronette opened a window and shied an old boot at Lip-
piatt.
"Is that you, Lippiatt?
“Yes!” said Lippiatt.
Maronette laughed.
66
My father said that I must marry the man who will bring
him the Norwegian maelstrom," said Maronette.
Lippiatt got off the fence and walked away.
BOOK V.
Like all tailors in France, Lippiatt was a good sailor. He
stole a boat and started for the coast of Norway. A fearful
storm came on. The world drew on a heavy cloak to protect
WIT AND HUMOR.
$16
The sea opened a thousand mouths to
hungry for him. His beard and
Great grasping hands reached down
itself from the storm.
swallow Lippiatt. It was
hair were filled with salt.
to snatch him.
Lippiatt only laughed.
The scenes grew wilder. Monsters of water crowded against
the boat. They were reaching for Lippiatt. He steered his
boat to avoid them.
A wave averages twenty feet in height. It contains 400 tons
of water. It is thicker at the base than at the top. In this
respect it is like a pyramid. But it is not three-cornered. It
is oval in shape. A round wave is a water-spout. A water
spout is thick at the top and bottom and slender in the middle.
Lippiatt knew this.
He was afraid of waves. He was fearful of water-spouts.
BOOK VI.
In four days Lippiatt arrived at the maelstrom.
"It is for Maronette," said he.
The maelstrom is shaped like a tunnel. The lower end is at
the bottom. The mouth is at the top. It is caused by the
tides. The Norwegians supposed it to be caused by a hole in
the earth. Lippiatt knew better.
He went down in the maelstrom and tied a rope round the
lower end. To this rope he adjusted blocks and pulleys. Then
he climbed out of the pit and fastened the other end of the
rope to the masthead. The blocks gave him a purchase
He rested.
BOOK VII.
Having rested, Lippiatt pulled on the rope. He pulled the
maelstrom inside out. The bottom was then at the top. It
spun around like an inverted top.
Lippiatt drove a staple into it and fastened his line. Then
he set sail. The maelstrom followed.
"I shall marry Maronette," he said.
By K
HUMOR.
BOOK VIII.
Another man sat on the picket fence. It was Goudenay.
Goudnenay loved Maronette. Maronette loved Goudnonay.
Goudenay saw something coming in the harbor.
"What's that?" he asked.
It looked like an inverted funnel. It was 1,000 feet high.
"I don't know," said Maronette.
She was right. She didn't.
BOOK IX.
Lippiatt soon landed. He took the maelstrom on his shoul
ders. Then he went to the gloomy house. He hung the maeï-
strom on the picket fence.
'How do you do, Goudenay," he asked.
He knew Goudenay. He had disappointed him about some
rousers.
"I am happy," said Goudenay; "I am going to marry
Maronette."
Lippiatt looked at Maronette.
"Yes," she said, "I marry Goudenay this morning."
BOOK X.
Lippiatt went to the wedding.
He gave Maronette a silver card receiver.
Maronette smiled.
Lippiatt went back to the picket fence. He ate the maei-
trom up.
BOOK XI.
As the wedding party went home they saw a dead body
lying beside the picket fence. The point of the maelstrom was
sticking out of his mouth.
"Good gracious !" said Maronette.
"Holy smoke!" exclaimed Goudenay.
It was Lippiatt.
WIT AND HUMOR.
?
Honesty That Surprised the Miner.
Eli Perkins.
In Denver, years ago, when Denver was made up of a popu-
lation of robbers, gamblers and adventurers, there used to be a
miners' bank, a bank where miners deposited bags of gold-dust,
or sold it for currency. In the bank, before the teller's win-
dow, there stood one day a forlorn, dejected, woe-begone look-
ing old miner-a seedy old forty-niner. He wore an old, faded
slouch hat, about the color of his tangled, sun-browned beard.
He never spoke as the other miners came in and exchanged
their dust for coin, and no one spoke to him. He was a per-
sonified funeral-a sad, broken-hearted man. As this sad
miner stood there one day, smoking his pipe, and seemingly
oblivious to everything, a young man entered and jauntily
handed in his bag of dust.
"It weighs six hundred and eighty dollars, Mr. Johnson,"
said the teller, taking it from the scales.
"All right; give me credit on the books," said the young
man, moving toward the door. But, turning on his heel in
the doorway, he paused a moment, put his hand thoughtfully
across his brow, and said:
"I beg your pardon, sir; but it seems to me you made a lit-
tle mistake in paying me last week, didn't you?”
"No, sir; we never err, sir," said the teller, harshly; "and
if we did make a inistake yesterday, it's too late to correct it
You should have spoken about it at the time.”
now.
(6
'But, sir, I am positive that you paid me ninety dollars too
much. Suppose you weigh the last week's bag again," urged
the young man.
"O, if the error was that way, perhaps we did make a mis-
take," replied the teller, putting the bag of gold-dust on the
scales again. "Goodness! I did make a mistake. I paid you
just ninety dollars too much, and-"
'Here's your money," interrupted the honest young man,
throwing down the amount in coin.
6
Ay
HUMOR.
f
"I'm very much obliged," said the teller: "for the mistake
would have come out of my wages when we came to balance
the books. I cannot thank you too much."
The only man watching the transaction was the old slouch-
hatted miner. He arose, fastened his eyes on the honest young
man, then came and watched him pay the money back. Sur-
prise filled his countenance. His eyes opened wide, and his
lips fell apart with astonishment. Then, looking the honest
young man straight in the face, he exclaimed:
"Stranger, don't you feel mighty lonesome 'round here?"
Josh Billings on Setting Hens.
The best time to set a hen iz when the hen iz reddy. i
kant tell what the best breed iz, but the shanghigh iz the
meanest. It costs az inuch to bord one az it duz a stage hoss,
and you might az well try to fatt a fannin-mill by runnin oats
thru it. Their aint no profit in keepin a hen for hiz eggs if
he laz less than one a day. Henz is very long-lived if they
dont contract the throat dizeaze; there iz a great menny goes
to pot every year, by this melancholly dizeaze. I kant tell
eckzactly how to pick out a good hen; but az a general thing,
the long-eared ones I know are the least apt to scratch up a
garden. Eggs packed in ekal parts of salt and lime-water will
keep from 20 to 30 years if tha are not disturbed. Fresh beef-
steak iz good for henz. I suppose 4 or 5 pounds a day iz all
that a hen would need at fust along. I shall be happy to
advise you at any time on the hen question-and take it out
in eggs.
W
WIT
How it Differs from Humor.
Melville D. Landon, A. M.
Wit simply consists in exaggeration. The humerous writer,
like Dickens, describes scenes in real life truthfully. That is
humor Baron Munchausen deals in pure imagination and
fancy. He is a pure wit. When some one asked the Yankee
farmer whose hogs were very poor how he kept them from
crawling through the knot holes in the pen, he answered:
"I tie knots in their tails."
That was pure wit- pure exaggeration.
There was a strange mixture of wit and humor in the an
swer of Porson when some one said : "Byron and Tennyson
and the modern poets, sir, will be read when Homer and Vir
gil are forgotten.'
"Yes," said Porson, "and not till then!"
""
The answer at first seems like wit, but when you think of it,
it becomes humor, because you know it is true.
Taking Castor Oil- Wit.
A good illustration, showing how a subject can be handled
in a witty manner was told me by W. H. Tippetts of the Ticon-
derogian:
A young lady came into Alexander Weed's drug store and
asked him if were possible to disguise castor oil.
"It's horrid stuff to take, you know. Ugh!" said the young
lady, with a shudder.
"Why, certainly," said Mr. Weed, and just then, as another
young lady was taking some soda water, Mr. Weed asked her
if she wouldn't have some too. After drinking it the young
lady lingered a moment and finally observed:
81
Wm.
"Now tell me, Mr. Weed, how you would disguise castol
oil?"
66
Why, madam, I just gave you some-
"My gracious me!" exclaimed the young lady, "Why I
wanted it for my sister!"
99
Taking Castor Oil Humor.
M. Quad, who always writes with a master's hand, treats
the same subject humorously.
His loving mother had had her mind made up for two or
three days that the boy needed some castor oil, but she knew
that she must approach him gently. She placed the bottle
where he could not see it, and when he turned up his nose,
she said:
66
'It's just like honey, my darling.
He seemed to doubt her word, and she continued:
59
"If you'll take some, I'll let you go to the circus.”
"How much?" he cautiously inquired.
"Oh, only a spoonful, just a spoonful," she replied, as she
uncorked the bottle.
"And you'll give me some sugar, besides?" he asked.
"Of course I will-a big lump.
""
He waited until she began pouring from the bottle, and then
asked:
"And you'll give me ten cents, too?"
"
"Yes, of course.
"And you'll buy me a shoo-fly kite?" he went on, seeing
his advantage.
"I guess so."
"No kite-no ile," he said, as he stepped back.
66
Well, I'll buy you a kite," she replied, filling the spoon up
"And a velocipede?”
"I'll think of it."
"You can't think no castor oil down me!" he exclaimed,
looking around for his hat.
!
WIT AND HUMOR,
82
"Here--I will, or I'll tease father to, and I know he willi
Come, now, swallow it down."
“And you'll buy me a goat?"
**Yes."
"And two hundred marbles?"
"Yes. Now take it right down."
"And a coach dog?"
"I can't promise that "
"All right-no dog, no ile!"
"Well, I'll ask your father."
"And you'll buy me a pony?"
“Oh, I couldn't do that. Now be a good boy and swallow
it down."
"Oh, yes, I'll swallow that stuff, I will!" he said as l
clapped on his hat. "You may fool some other boy with a
circus ticket and a lump of brown sugar, but it'll take a hundred
dollar pony to trot that castor ile down my throat!"
And he went out to see if the neighbor's cat had been caught
in the dead-fall he set for her.
Mr. Tippetts' account ends with a little sparkling imagina-
tion and fancy, while M. Quad's story is an utterly true
account, requiring no imagination or fancy to see the point.
Printing and Publishing.
The following are given as instances of wit, because each
ease is purely imaginative. Each case has been exaggerated
by the fertile brain of the writers:
Eli Perkins on Printing and Publishing.
A beautiful young authoress went to George W. Carleton,
the publisher, to get him to print a book for her.
But I do not print books," said Mr. Carleton, "I am a
publisher."
56
" Well, now, what is the difference between a publisher and
1
1
WTT.
a printer?" asked the young lady, opening her eyes bewilder
ingly,
"Why simply this, my dear young lady," said Carleton,
"if I should print a kiss on a beautiful young lady's cheek, it
would be simply private printing, but if I should go out and
tell the whole world about it, that would be publishing, and
the meanest kind of publishing, too."
“I should think so," said the young lady
The Stingiest Man in Schenectady.
Wilkins.
The stingiest miser in Schenectady was Deacon Chase. He
was stingy all his life, and even died stingy. When his wife
died he bought a double gravestone, and had his own name
put on the other side. The day he died he limped and stag-
gered into the barber shop to get shaved.
"You--charge--ten cents-to-shave-live men, don't
you?" asked the deacon.
"Yes, that is our price," replied the barber
"What--you charge-to shave-dead men?" gasped the
deacon.
"One dollar," said the barber, wondering what he meant.
"Then-shave me-quick,” said the deacon, nervously eye-
ing the watch which the doctor held in his hand. He was too
weak to speak further, but the doctor interpreted aright the
question that was in his eyes.
"Fifteen minutes," replied the doctor. "You'll live fifteen
minutes more.
""
The deacon made a feeble motion, as with a lather-brush,
and the barber was at his work in a jiffy. He performed his
task with neatness and despatch; and, although the deacon
had several sinking spells of an alarming nature, yet he bore
up to the end. When the last stroke of the razor was given.
the deacon gasped, in tones of satisfaction:
"That'll do-ninety-cents-saved," and immediately ex
pired.
WIT AND HUMOR
84
The Original Parrot Story.
Eli Perkins.
Mr. Travers, who stammers enough to make a story inter
esting, went into a bird fancier's, in Center street, to buy a
parrot.
"H-h-have you got a-a-all kinds of b-b-birds?" asked Mr. T.
"Yes, sir; all kinds," said the bird fancier, politely.
"I w-w-want to b-buy a p-p-parrot," hesitated Mr. T.
“Well, here is a beauty. See what glittering plumage !”
"I-i-is he a g-g-good t-talker?" stammered Travers.
"If he can't talk better than you can I'll give him to you!"
exclaimed the shopkeeper.
William bought the parrot.
A Fool Discovers Himself,
A letter was once received at the post-office in New Orleans
directed to the biggest fool in that city.
The postmaster was absent, and on his return one of the
young clerks informed him of the receipt of the letter.
"And what became of it?" inquired the postmaster.
"Why," replied the clerk, "I didn't know who the biggest
fool in New Orleans was, so I opened it myself."
"And what did you find in it?" inquired the postmaster.
"Find?" replied the clerk. "Why nothing but the words,
'Thou art the man. """
Highly Indignant.
Eli Perkins.
"What! Pat Ryan whip me?" exclaimed Sullivan, the
pugilist, scornfully.
"Yes, I think he could," replied a bystander.
"Lick me? ME! Why, Pat Ryan can't lick a postage
stamp ! "
85
WIT
"How often," asked an impatient creditor, "must I climb
three pairs of stairs before I get the amount of this litte
account?"
Debtor: "Do you think I am going to rent a place on the
first floor to accommodate my creditors?"
Griswold on the Tramp.
"Saw wood! Saw wood this cold winter's day for my
dinner!" said the tramp, with a look of horror. "Not much
I won't. It isn't that I object to labor. I yield to no man in
respect for the God-given privilege of earning my sweat by
the bread of my brow. I am ready, nay, anxious to work,
Give me some hay to spread, right out here in the snow.
Show we where there is a stone wall to lay-behind. Any-
thing but helping in the most distant way to devastate the
mighty forests of this broad land, that the Almighty meant to
gather moisture and induce the reviving rain to fall upon the
parched earth. Why, do you know that this continent is
doomed to become an arid desert if this destruction goes on?
It's a fact, and I won't be a party to it. No forests, no rain:
everything dry--dry as I am. I decline the responsibility for
it. Tell me where I can find some hay to spread, I say-or
some oats to cradle, and I'll take off my overcoat and go and
hire you a boy to do it; but no wood-sawing for me, if you
please!"
Greek Wit and Wisdom.
John Randolph stole one of his best witticisms from Aris-
tippus, the cynic and pupil of Socrates.
When a pedantic singer was boasting of his voice, Aris
tippus said:
"It takes no brain to have a good voice "
"How is that?" asked the singer.
WIT AND HUMOR
"Why, a tin-horn with an idiot behind it can produce better
music than any singer in Greece!"
This made the singer mad, and he twitted Aristippus with
having no children.
"The Gods will not permit any more such cynics to be
born, while I have many children," said the singer.
"Yes, you ignoramus," said Aristippus, "you boast of a
quality of which all slaves are your equal and every jackass
your superior !"-- Translated from the Greek by Eli Perkins.
Don't Praise Your Horse Too Soon
“Mr. Johnson, that is a fine horse you have there; what is
he worth?,"
"Three hundred and fifty dollars."
"
"No, not so much as that?
"Yes, every cent of it, and another fifty on top of it."
s Are
you sure?"
46
"
Yes, I'll swear to it."
"All right.”
"What are you so darned inquisitive for?”
46
"Merely for assessing purposes. I am the assessor for this
ward, and only wanted to know what you rated your nag at."
Oh, I see what you're driving at. Well, for the purpose
of sale, he's worth every cent of it, but for taxation he's not
worth more'n twenty-five dollars."
A Frenchman's Surprise.
Eli Perkins.
The Geyser Spring, in Saratoga, is still spouting The
water bursts from the bowels of the earth through solid rock
eighty feet from the surface, and then flies twenty feet into the
air.
A Frenchman-Baron St. Albe, from the "States " Hotel-
went over to see the spring spout yesterday. As the volume
87
WWW.
1
of water burst into the air he dropped his umbrella on the arm
of a young lady, and, raising both hands in the air, is said to
have exclaimed:
"Eh! dis is ze grand spectakle! Suparbe! Magnifique i
By gar, he bust up fust rate!"
Dense Population.
"Where is your house?" asked a traveler in the depth of
one of the old "soleinn wildernesses" of the Great West.
"House! I ain't got no house."
"Well, where do you live?"
"I live in the woods-sleep on the Great Government Pur-
chase, eat raw bear and wild turkey, and drink out of the Mis
sissippi!"
And he added:
"It is getting too thick with folks about here. You're the
second man I have seen within the last month; and I hear
there's a whole family come in about fifty miles down the
river. I'm going to put out into 'the woods' again !"
Very, Closely Related.
“Well, Sam, I'll tell you how it is. You see, I married a
widow, and this widow had a daughter. Then my father,
being a widower, married our daughter so you see my father
is my own son-in-law."
"Yes, I see."
"Then again my step-daughter is my step-mother, ain't she?
Well, then, her mother is my grandmother, ain't she? I am
married to her, ain't I? So that makes me my own grand-
father, doesn't it? "
WIT AND HUMOR.
88
Pigeon English (Chinese Dialect).
Eli Perkins.
Mrs. Van Auken, of Fifth avenue, recently employed a Chi-
nese cook -- Ah Sin Foo. When the smiling Chinaman came
to take his place, Mrs. Van Auken asked him his name.
"What is your name, John?" commenced the lady.
"Oh, my namee Ah Sin Foo.”
"But I can't remember all that lingo, my man. I'll call
you Jimmy."
"Velly wellee. Now, wha chee namee I callee you?" asked
Ah Sin, looking up in sweet simplicity.
'Well, my name is Mrs. Van Auken; call me that."
"Oh, me canno 'member Missee Vanne Auken. Too big
piecee namee. I callee you Tommy - Missee Tommy."
Cause and Effect..
In 1876 all the newspapers were full of a kind of para-
graphs where the cause and effect were very far apart. For
instance:
Nancy Jones, a beautiful young lady of Log City, lighted a
fire with kerosene last Saturday. Her funeral sermon will be
preached this afternoon. No flowers.
**
*
Again:
Bill Jones asked a stranger if he was the same man who
nad been in jail at Cherryville for stealing chickens, but when
he picked himself up and found his teeth scattered around on
the sidewalk, he wished the interrogation point had never
been invented.
* *
*
66
We are informed that the gentleman who stood on his
head under a pile-driver for the purpose of having a tight
pair of butes druv on, found himself the next day in Chiny,
perfectly naked, and without a cent in his pockets."
89
WIT.
Again :
A man in Log City insisted, against his wife's wishes, in
smoking on a load of hay — coming home shortly afterwards
without any whiskers or eyebrows, and the iron-work of his
wagon in a gunny bag.
* *
X
A woman put her tongue to a flat-iron to see if it was hot.
That household has been remarkably quiet since.
* *
*
""
"If George had not blowed into the muzzle of his gun,
sighed a widow at the funeral of her husband, "he might
have got plenty of squirrels, it was such a good day for them."
"He handled his gun carelessly and put on his angel plum-
age."
* *
*
Jim Stewart mistook the head-lights of an engine for a fire-
bug. He subsequently joined the temperance society.
Conservative Answers.
Eli Perkins.
"I don't know what you think, Charley," said a very conserva-
tive man to his friend, "but I think when one fellow borrows
another fellow's horse and buggy, and cuts the buggy up for
kindling wood and don't return the horse, why I think it's bad
taste!
This was not quite so severe as the opinion of a Western
judge who was asked about a mean man who was caught pass-
ing counterfeit money at a donation party:
66
"Why," said the judge, "the Pythagorians held that the
very
moment one person dies another is born, and that the soul of
the one that dies goes into the soul of the one that's born.
Now, I've been calculating up and I find that when Charley
Gardner, who passed that counterfeit bill on the minister, when
he was born I found out nobody died."
WIT AND HUMOR.
Origin of Names.
A young Oil Citizen calls his sweetheart Revenge, because
she is sweet.-Oil City Derrick.
And the young married man in South Hill calls his mother-in-
law Delay, because she is dangerous.--Burlington Hawkeye.
And a South End man calls his wife Fact, because she is a
stubborn thing.-Boston Globe.
And a fourth wife of a district attorney calls him Necessity,
because he knows no law. -New Orleans Times.
And a Cincinnati man names his coachman Procrastination,
because he stole his watch.-Breakfast Table.
And we called a beautiful schoolma'am that we used to go to
Experience, because she was a dear teacher.-Eli Perkins.
And a Yonkers man names his wife Frailty, because Shakes-
peare says: "Frailty, thy name is woman.-Yonkers Gazette.
Eli Perkins calls his wife Honesty, because he says it is the
best policy.-N. Y. Herald.
Robbing an Editor.
Will Vischer.
"Listen, my children," said a venerable man, "and I will
tell you a story, beautiful and true. Once upon a time there
was a bad, bold robber, who had his haunt in the wilds of a
mountain. At the foot of the mountain, in the valley, was a
village. It was not a very large village, yet in it a newspaper
was printed. The robber looked upon the editor of the news-
paper as being the chief man of the village, and thought he
must be very rich. So one dark night he came down from his
den in the mountain and stole into the dwelling of the editor
and then into the room where he slept. The editor, being a
good man, slept as soundly and sweetly as a child. The rob-
ber searched all the place, but could not find the caskets of
gold and diamonds he had supposed to be stored up in the
room. He then put his hands in all the pockets of the clothes
५
WTH
of the editor, but found no money in any of them. The rob
ber then stood for a time as in a stupor. He was like one
awakened from a dream. He listened for some moments to
the deep, regular breathing of the sleeping editor, and as he
stood so he began to feel sad. The heart of the bold, bad man
was touched. Quietly he took from his purse $4.75, placed
the money in the pantaloons pocket of the editor, and softly
stole from the house. In the morning, when the editor got up
and put on his pantaloons there was a jingle as of money. A
look of astonishment came into the face of the editor.
He put
his hand into his pocket and drew out the money. When he
saw this great wealth the knees of the editor smote together;
he turned pale, fainted, and fell to the floor, and there lay as
one who is dead.”
"Did they ever catch the editor, grandfather?”
"No, my darlings, they didn't want to catch him. But
when the editor came out of his faint, and his eyes again saw
all the money lying about the room where it had fallen, he
was sorely perplexed. At last he felt sure it had been quietly
placed in his pocket in the night by a great and rich neighbor,
who owned a tanyard and was running for the legislature. So
for days and days he printed in his paper whole columns of
praise of the rich neighbor, who was elected to the office, and
ever after the two men were the greatest friends. Thus, my
dears, do good actions always meet with their reward."
How Alligators Eat.
Eli Perkins.
An alligator's throat is an animated sewer. Everything
which lodges in his open mouth goes down. He is a lazy dog,
and, instead of hunting for something to eat, he lets his vic-
tuals hunt for him. That is, he lays with his great mouth
open, apparently dead, like the 'possum. Soon a bug crawls
into it, then a fly, then several gnats and a colony of mus-
quitoes. The alligator don't close his mouth yet He is
WIT AND JUMOR,
99%
waiting for a whole drove of things. He does his eating by
wholesale. A little later a lizard will cool himself under the
shade of the upper jaw. Then a few frogs will hop up to
catch the musquitoes. Then more musquitoes and gnats light
on the frogs. Finally a whole village of insects and reptiles
settle down for an afternoon picnic. Then, all at once, there
is an earthquake. The big jaw falls, the alligator slyly blinks
one eye, gulps down the whole menagerie and opens his great
front door again for more visitors.
Jenney June Says
"Gathered waists are very much worn this winter."
If the men would gather the waists carefully and not squeeze
so like blazes, they would not be worn so much. Some men go
to work gathering a waist just as they would go to work washi
ing sheep, or raking and binding They ought to gather as
though it was eggs done up in a funnel-shaped brown paper at
iu
a grocery.
(6
Pomposity Squelched.
"Is the cashier in?" asked a pompous peddler as he entered
a bank.
George Peck.
"No, sir," was the reply of the teller.
66
Well, I am dealing in pens, supplying the New England
banks pretty largely, and I suppose it will be proper for me to
deal with the cashier."
"I
suppose it will," said the teller.
Very well; I will wait."
The pen peddler took a chair and sat composedly for a full
hour, waiting for the cashier. By that time he began to grow
uneasy, but sat twisting in his chair for about twenty minutes,
and, seeing no prospect of a change in his circumstances, asked
the teller how soon the cashier would be in.
93
OM.
"Well, I don't know exactly," said the waggish teller, "but
I expect him in about eight weeks. He has just gone to Lake
Superior, and told me he thought he should come back in that
time.”
Peddler thought he would not wait.
"Oh, you may stay if you wish," said the teller very
blandly. 'We have no objection to you sitting here in the
day-time, and you can probably find some place in town where
they will be glad to keep you nights."
The pompous peddler disappeared without another word.
Eli Perkins' New Year's Calls.
FIFTH HEAVENUE HOTEL, 1 A. M., Jan. 2.
I don't feel like writing to-day; my head aches. I made
New Year's calls yesterday--made 125 calls. I finished them
about twelve o'clock--an hour ago.
I had my call-list written off, and commenced at Sixtieth
street and came down. My idea was to make 125 calls of five
minutes each. This would take 625 minutes, or ten hours. I
think I did it. I worked hard. I was an intermittent perpet-
ual motion. I did all anybody could do. If any fellow says
he made 126 calls, he-well, he is guilty of a li-bel. I tried
it. I made my 125th call with my eyes closed, and at my
126th I swooned on the hall stairs. Nature was exhausted.
Oh, but wasn't it fun! It is nothing to make calls after you
have been at it a spell. The last twenty calls were made with
one eye closed. I was actually taking a mental nap all the
time. My tongue talked right straight ahead, from force of
habit. Talking came as easy as ordinary respiration. All I
had to do was to open my mouth and the same words tumbled
out:
66
then the ty
Hap new year, Mis-Smite ! "
“Ah! Mr. Perkins, I'm delighted
"May you have man'hap' returns-by-by 1"
My pa
$9
WIT AND HUMOR.
留言
​"But arn't you going to take a drink to —”
"Thank
spleasur (drank); may you live (hic) thousand
years!"
"By-by" (sliding into the hall and down the front steps).
I started at noon. Made first call on young lady.
She said: "You have many calls to make.
tify yourself with a little sherry?"
Won't you for-
I said I (hic) would, and drank small glass.
Called next on married lady on Fifth Heavenue.
She said: "Let's drink to William
you know Will is off
making calls on the girls."
"All right, Mrs. Mason;" then we drank some nice old
Port to absent William.
On Forty ninth street met a sainted Virginia mother, who
had some real old Virginia egg-nogg.
Very nice Southern egg-nogg. Abused the Yankees, and
drank two glasses with Virginia mother.
On Forty-sixth street met a lady who had some nice Cali-
fornia wine. Tried it. Then went across the street with Dem-
ocratic friend to say New Year's and get some of old Skinner's
1836 brandy. Got it. Mrs. Skinner wanted us to drink to
Skinner. Drank to Skinner and ate lobster salad.
Met a friend, who said:
"?
"Let's run in and (hic) see Coe, the temperance man.
Coe said: "Temperance is wise these times."
"Fac'," sez I. "Les drink to him.'
Drank twice to temp'rance. Drank to Mrs. Temperance,
Drank to children.
Drove round to Miss Thompson's on Fifth Heavenue,
Thompson's famous for rum punch. Tried two glasses with
Miss Thompson. Very happy. House looked lovely. Ate
brandy peaches. Good many lights. Pretty girls quite
num'rous. Drank their health. Drank claret. Then drank
Roman punch. Went out, leaving a Dunlap hat for a Knox,
and a twelve-dollar umbrella in the hat-rack.
7
35
WIT
}
Happy thought! Took Charley Brown in the carriag with
driver, and got on outside with myself.
Charley said, "Let's drop in on the Madison Heavenue
Masons." "All right.". Dropped in. Miss Mason says:
“Have some nice old Madeira?”
"Yes, Miss Mason, will have some, my dearie." Drank to
Mrs. Mason, and ate boned turkey to young ladies. Young
adies dressed beautifully-wore court train and shoes a la
Pompadour. Left overcoat and umbrella, and changed high
hat for fur cap. Saw a span of horses in a carriage drawn by
Charley King. Charley was tightually slight. Said he'd been
in to Lee's, eating boned sherry and drinking pale turkey.
Now, all called on the Lambs, on Thirty-fourth Heavenue.
Old Lamb was 'round. Drank brandy peaches here, and ate
more pony brandy. Young ladies beau'ful high-heeled
dress and shoes decollette. Great many of them. Nice
Roman punch with monogram on it. Presented large bouquet
in corner to Mrs. Lamb. Exchanged hat for card-basket, and
slid down front banisters.
Called on Vanderbilt. Hang (hic) Van-Vanderbilt! Van-
derbilt didn't rec'v calls. Carried off card-basket and hung
Charley's hat on bell-knob. Used Vanderbilt's cards to make
other calls with. Kept calling. Called steady. Called be-
tween calls. Drank more. Drank everywhere. Young ladies
more beautiful. Wanted us to come back to the party in the
evening. Came back. Grand party. Gilmore furnished by
music. Drank more lobster salad. Drank half a glass of silk
dress, and poured rest on skirt of Miss Smith's champagne
in corner. Slumped plate gas-light green silk down on to
nice ice-cream. Dresses wore white tarletan young ladies cut
swallow-tail. Sat on young lady's hand and held etairs. Very
(hic) happy. Fellows had been drinkin'.
1
11 P. M. Left party. Carriage outside wanted me to get
into Fred Young and prom'nade over to the Stewarts. Roman
punch had been drinking Fred. He invited eight other horses
WIT AND HUMOR.
86
to get into the fellows and ride around to Stewart's. Stewart
tight and house closed up. Left pocket-book in card-basket
outside, and hung watch and chain on bell-knob.
Called on the Fergisons. All up. Had old Burgundy.
Fergison's a brick. Took sherry. Beau'ful young lady dressed
in blue Roman punch. Opened bottle of white gros grain
trimmed with Westchester county lace. Drank it up. Fellows
getting more tete-uly slight. Drank Pompadour rum with
young lady dressed a la Jamaica. Hadn't strength to refuse.
Drank hap' New Year fifteen times-then got into Fifth
Heavenue Hotel, and told the driver to drive 'round to the car-
riage. Came up to letter, and wrote this room for the Daily
Com(hic)vertiser. Pulled coat off with the boot-jack, and
stood self up by the register to dry. Then wrote (hic)—
wrote more (hic).
U-LI PIRK(hic)INS
Bill de Fire. (French Dialect.)
Ferrin, the landlord of the Westminster Hotel, in New
York, is not often nonplused, but last August a dapper little
Frenchman staggered him for a moment. Walking up to the
office, he accosted Ferrin with :
"If you please, monsieur, you shall send bill de fire in my
room."
66
'A what?" said Ferrin, looking at the thermometer, which
indicated ninety-two degrees.
"I wish ze bill de fire in my apartment,” replied the French-
man.
“All right, sir," said Ferrin, with that outward imper-
turbability with which the true hotel-keeper receives an order
for anything, even if it be gold-dust pudding with diamond
plums. "John! fire in 10,001."
"Yes, sur-r-r," said John, and by the time the Frenchman
had arrived at his room, John, with perspiration pouring of
9}
WIT.
of him, had the grate filled and a blaze roaring up the chim
ney like mad.
"Vat ze diable you do?" said the astonished foreigner.
"Built a fire as ye ordered," replied the other exile.
"Fire!" said the Frenchman, "I shall roast myself wiz ze
heat!" and rushing down stairs he appeared at the office with
inflamed face and moistened shirt-collar, exclaiming: “I ask
you not for ze fire. What! think I wish to make myself more
hot, eh? I call for bill de fire ze bill, ze cart, so I can eat
myself wiz my dinaire."
"Bill of fare? Oh, yes, sir," said Ferrin.
"I beg your
66
pardon.
And he politely passed out the programme for the day, but
deputed a Frenchman of the restaurant to answer any further
orders from the subject of Napoleon.
Fooling A Chinaman.
A plump little Celestial, his almond eyes twinkling with de-
light and an extraordinary grin lighting up his yellow counte-
nance, dropped in to witness the lottery drawing the other day.
He watched the blindfolded boys draw the numbers from the
wheel with apparent interest, and bore the jokes of the crowd
around with evident good-nature.
"Say, John, you washee that man's shirtee?" asked one of
the crowd, pointing to one of the benevolent-looking commis-
sioners.
"I washee heapee plenty shirtee, if I winee plize,” replied
the bland Mongolian.
"Have you got a ticket, John?" inquired the man in the
erowd.
V
I
"Well, me tlinkee me habee," replied the Chinaman, draw-
ing one from his pocket. Tlickee win?" he inquired.
The man in the crowd looked at the number, and scanning
his list, found that it had come in for a $500 prize.
WIT AND HUMOR.
38
"Well, John," replied the man in the crowd, very innocently,
• I think you've lost.'
29
"Chinee man losee allee time," said the subject of the Flow-
ery Empire; "gotee no luckee, gless tlow tlickee away.
"You needn't do that, John," said the man, with a patron-
izing air.
"I'll give you a dime for it."
"Dlime too lillee. Glimme a dollar," said the Celestial.
"A dollar's too much for a ticket that can't win. We'll split
the difference and call it half a dollar, eh?" said John's kind
informant.
""
"Chinee man glottee no luckee; Melican man takee allee
mlonee. Takee the tlickee and glimme flo' bittee;" and John
passed over his ticket in exchange for the money.
When the Mongolian's grinning features had disappeared the
man chuckied and remarked that he had "got her this time."
"Let's see the ticket," said one of his friends.
The man who had made the lucky investment handed the
ticket over, when his friend exclaimed:
"
59
Why, George, it was drawn just last June 1"
"Is that so?" asked the man, dumbfounded, the revelation
that he had been duped dawning upon him. Where is that
lying rascal of a heathen Chinee who put up this job on me?"
Rubenstein's Piano-Playing.
Jud. Brownin.
"Jud., they say you heard Rubenstein play when you were
in New York."
(6
"I did in the cool."
66
Well, tell us about it."
"What! me? I might's well tell you about the creation of
the world."
"Come, now; no mock modesty. Go ahead.”
Well, sir, he had the blamedest, biggest, cattycorneredest
pianner you ever laid eyes on; somethin' like a distracted
hilliard-table on three legs. The lid was heisted, and mighty
99
WIT.
well it was.
If it hadn't been, he'd a tore the intire insides
clean out, and scattered 'em to the four winds of heaven."
Played well, did he?"
}
66
"You bet he did; but don't interrup' me. When he first
set down he 'peared to keer mighty little 'bout playin', and
wisht he hadn't come. He tweedle-leedle'd a little on the
trible, and twoodle-oodle-oodle'd some on the base-jest foolin'
and boxin' the thing's jaws for bein' in his way. And I says
to a man settin' next to me, s' I, 'What sort of fool playin' is
that?' And he says, 'Heish!' But presently his hands com-
menced chasin' one 'nother up and down the keys, like a passel
of rats scamperin' through a garret very swift. Parts of it was
sweet, though, and reminded me of a sugar squirrel turnin' the
wheel of a candy cage.
666
'Now,' I says to my neighbor, 'he's showin' off. He
thinks he's a-doin' of it, but he ain't got no idee - no plan of
nothin'. If he'd play me up a tune of some kind or other
I'd—ƒ
"But my neighbor says, 'Heish!' very impatient.
"I was just about to git up and go home, bein' tired of tha
foolishness, when I heard a little bird waking up away off in
the woods, and calling sleepy-like to his mate, and I looked up
and I see that Rubenstein was beginnin' to take some interest
in his business, and I set down agin. The music began to
make pictures for me faster than you could shake a stick; to
tell tales like the story-books, and to start all sorts of feelin's--
it just toted me like I was a child wherever it pleased, and
showed me all kind of things that is and things that isn't
and couldn't never be. It was the peep o' day. The light
come faint from the cast, the breeze glowed gentle and fresh,
some more birds waked up in the orchard, then some more in
the trees near the house, and all begun singin' together. People
begun to stir, and the gal opened the shutters. Just then the
first beam of the sun fell upon the blossoms; a leetle more and
it techt the roses on the bushes, and the next thing it was broad
WIT AND HUMOR.
100
.
day. The sun fairly blazed; the birds sang like they'd split
their little throats; all the leaves was movin' and flashin'
diamonds of dew, and the whole wide world was bright and
happy as a king. Seemed to me like there was a good break-
fast in every house in the land, and not a sick child or woman
anywhere. It was a fine mornin'.
"And I says to my neighbor, 'That's music, that is.'
"But he glared at me like he'd like to cut my throat.
"Presently the wind turned; it begun to thicken up, and
a kind of gray mist come over things; I got low-sperited
d'rectly. Then a silver rain begun to fall. I could see the
drops touch the ground; some flashed up like long pearl ear-
rings, and the rest rolled away like round rubies. It was
pretty, but melancholy. Then the pearls gathered themselves.
into long strands and necklaces, and then they melted into thin
silver streams running between golden gravels, and then the
streams joined each other at the bottom of the hill, and made
a brook that flowed silent, except that you could kinder see
the music, specially when the bushes on the banks moved as
the music went along down the valley. I could smell the
flowers in the meadow. But the sun didn't shine, nor the birds
sing; it was a foggy day, but not cold. The most curious
thing, though, was the little white angel boy, like you see in
pictures, that run ahead of the music brook, and lead it on
and on, away out of the world, where no man ever was
I never was, certain. I could see that boy just as plain as I
see you. Then the moonlight came, without any sunset, and
shone on the graveyards, where some few ghosts lifted their
hands, and went over the wall, and between the black sharp-
top trees splendid marble houses rose up, with fine ladies in
the lit-up windows, and men that loved 'em, but could never
get a nigh 'em, and played on guitars under the trees, and
made me that miserable I could a cried, because I wanted to
love somebody, I don't know who, better than the men with
guitars did. Then the sun went down, it got dark, the wind

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WIT.
101
moaned and wept like a lost child for its dead mother, and I
could a got up then and thar and preached a better sermon
than any I ever listened to. There wasn't a thing in the
world left to live for, not a blame thing; and yet I didn't
want that music to stop one bit. It was happier to be miser-
able than to be happy without being miserable. I couldn't
understand it. I hung my head and pulled out my handker-
chief, and blowed my nose loud to keep from cryin'. My eyes
is weak anyway. I didn't want anybody to be a-gazin' at me
a-snivelin', and it's nobody's business what I do with my nose.
It's mine. But some several glared at me, mad as Tucker.
"Then, all of a sudden, old Ruben changed his tune.
He
ripped and he rar'd, he tipped and tar'd, he pranced and he
charged, like the grand entry at a circus. 'Peared to me that
all the gas in the house was turned on at once, things got so
bright; and I hilt up my head ready to look any man in the
face, and not afeared of nothin'. It was a circus, and a brass
band, and a big ball, all goin' on at the same time. He lit
into them keys like a thousand of brick; he give 'em no rest
day nor night; he set every livin' jint in me a-goin'; and not
bein' able to stand it no longer, I jumpt spang onto my seat,
and just hollered:
"Go it, my Rube!'
"Every blamed man, woman, and child in the house riz on
me and shouted, Put him out! put him out!'
6
"Put your great-grandmother's grizzly-gray-greenish cat
into the middle of next month!' I says.
Tech me if you
dar
I paid my money, and you jest come a-nigh me!'
"With that some several p'licemen run up, and I had to
simmer down. But I would a fit any fool that laid hands on
me, for I was bound to hear Ruby out or die.
"He had changed his tune agin. He hop-light ladies and
tip-toed fine from eend to eend of the key-board. He played
soft, and low, and solemn. I heard the church-bells over the
hills. The candles in heaven was lit. One by one I saw the
!
109 .
WIT AND HUMOR.
stars rise. The great organ of eternity began to play from the
world's end to the world's end, and all the angels went to
prayers. Then the music changed to water, full of feeling that
couldn't be thought, much less told about, and begun to drop
-drip, drop, drip, drop-clear and sweet, like tears of joy
fallin' into a lake of glory. It was sweeter than that. It was
as sweet as a sweetheart sweetenin' sweetness with white
sugar
mixt with powdered silver and seed diamonds. It was too
sweet. I tell you the audience cheered. Ruben he kinder
bowed like he wanted to say, 'Much obleeged, but I'd rather
you wouldn't interrupt me.'
"He stopt a minute or two to fetch breath. Then he got
mad. He run his fingers through his har, he shoved up his
sleeves, he opened his coat-tails a little further, he drug up his
stool, he leaned over, and, sir, he just went for that old pianner.
He slapt her face, he boxed her jaws, he pulled her nose, he
pinched her ears, and he scratched her cheeks till she fairly
yelled. He knockt her down and he stompt on her shameful. She
bellowed like a bull, she bleated like a calf, she howled like a
hound, she squealed like a pig, she shrieked like a rat, and
then he wouldn't let her up. He run a quarter-stretch down
the low-grounds of the oase, till he got clean into the bowels of
the earth, and you heard thunder galloping after thunder
through the hollows and caves of perdition; and then he fox-
chased his right hand with his left, till he got away out of the
trible into the clouds, whar the notes was finer than the pints.
of cambric needles, and you couldn't hear nothin' but the
shadders of 'em. And then he wouldn't let the old pianner go.
He for'ard-two'd, he crost over first gentleman, he crost over
first lady, he balanced to pards, he chascade right and left,
back to your places, he all hands'd aroun', ladies to the right,
promenade all, in and out, here and thar, back and forth, up
and down, perpetual motion, double and twisted and tied and
turned and tacked and tangled into forty-'leven thousand double
bowknots. By jings ! it was a mixtery. And then he wouldn't
}
WM.
108
}
let the old pianner go. He fetcht up his right wing, he feteht
up his left wing, he fetcht up his centre, he fetcht up his re-
serves. He fired by file, he fired by platoons, by company, by
regiments, and by brigades. He opened his cannon, siege-guns
down thar, Napoleons here, twelve pounders yonder, big guns,
little guns, middle-size guns, round shot, shells, shrapnels,
grape, canisters, mortars, mines and magazines, every livin'
battery and bomb a-goin' at the same time. The house trim-
bled, the lights danced, the walls shuk, the floor come up, the
ceilin' come down, the sky split, the ground rockt; heaven
and earth, creation, sweet potatoes, Moses, nine-pences, glory,
ten-penny nails, my Mary Ann, hallelujah, sweet Cæsar in a
'simmon-tree, Jeroosal'm, Tump Tompson in a tumbler-cart,
roodle-oodle-oodle-oodle-oodle-ruddle-uddle-uddle-uddle-uddle
--raddle-addle-addle-addle-addle- riddle-iddle-iddle-iddle-iddle
- — reetle-eetle-eetle-cetle-eetle-eetle p-r-r-r-r-r-lang! p-r-r-r-r-r-
lang! per lang! per plang! p-r-r-r-r-r-lang! Bang!
"With that bang! he lifted hisself bodily into the ar, and
he come down with his knees, his ten fingers, his ten toes, his
elbows, and his nose, striking every single, solitary key on that
pianner at the same time. The thing busted, and went off into
seventeen hundred and fifty-seven thousand five hundred and
forty-two hemi-demi-semi-quivers and I know'd no mo'.
"When I come to I were under ground about twenty foot,
in a place they call Oyster Bay, treatin' a Yankee that I never
laid eyes on before, and never expect to agin. Day was
a-breakin' by the time I get to the St. Nicholas Hotel, and I
pledge you my word I didn't know my name. The man asked me
the number of my room and I told him, Hot music on the
half shell for two!' I pintedly did."—Moses Adams.
<
A Live Commercial Traveler
Sheriff Wiggins, of Dallas, Texas, made it a prominent
part of his business to ferret out and punish commercial trav
104
WIT AND HUMOR.
1
elers who traveled in Texas without a license; but one morn
ing he met his match-a genuine Yankee drummer.
"What have you got to sell? Anything?" asked the sheriff,
as he met the Connecticut man on the streets.
"Oh, yes; I'm selling medicine - patent medicine. Selling
Radway's Ready Relief, and it's the best thing in the world.
You ought to try a bottle. It will cure your ager, cure rheu
matism cure everything."
Ag
56
“And you will sell me a case?"
99
Sartenly, sir; glad to.'
Then the sheriff bought a case.
"Anything more?" asked the drummer.
"Yes, sir; I want to see your license for selling goods in
Texas. That is my duty as the high sheriff of Dallas county."
The drummer showed him a document, fixed up good and
strong, in black and white. The sheriff looked at it, and pro-
nounced it "all right." Then turning to the commercial trav-
eler, he said:
"I don't know, now that I've bought this stuff, that I shall
ever want it. I reckon that I may as well sell it to you again.
What will you give for it?
"
"Oh, I don't know that the darned stuff is any use to me;
but seeing its you, sheriff, I'll give you a dollar for the lot of
you raly don't want it."
The sheriff delivered back the medicine at four dollars dis-
count from his own purchase, and received his change.
66
Now," said the drummer, "I've got a question or tew to
ask you. Hev you got a drummer's license about your trousers
anywhere? "*
<<
'No; I haven't any use for the article myself,” replied the
sheriff.
"Hain't, eh? Wal, I guess we'll see about that pretty
darned soon. Ef I understand the law, it's a clean case that
you've been tradin' with me, and hawkin' and peddlin' Rad-
1
WTT.
105
way's Ready Relief on the highway, and I shall inform en
you-- darn'd ef I don't, neow ! "
When the Yankee reached the court-house he made his com-
plaint, and the sheriff was fined eight dollars for selling with-
out a license.
The sheriff was heard afterward to say that "you might as
well try to hold a greased eel as a live Yankee."
Hotel Wit.
Potter Palmer, hearing of the whereabouts of a guest who
had decamped from the Palmer House without going through
the formality of paying his bill, sent him a note:
“Mr.
Dear Sir: Will you send amount of your bill,
and oblige," etc.
To which the delinquent replied:
"The amount is $8.621. Yours respectfully."
**
*
The following conversation took place recently in a hotel :
"Waiter!"
“Yes, sir."
"What's this?"
"It's bean soup, sir. *
"No matter what it has been, the question is, what is it
now?"
**
*
When a man without cash or credit attempts to leave a
hotel, and lowers his valise out of a back window by means of
a rope, it makes charity seem cold to hear the voice of the
landlord below, yelling up:
"All right, I've got the valise; let go the rope
97
X
* *
A waiter at Saratoga handed an Arizona man a bill of fare.
"Oh, take that paper away, sir!" he said, "I didn't come
here to read. I want to eat."
106
WIT AND HUMOR.
1
"But it's the bill of fare, sir!"
"The what?
"The bill of fare !"
'Oh, well; how much is it?" putting his hands in his
pockets.
""
A Meat-eoric Shower.
The baby rolls upon the floor,
Kicks up his tiny feet,
And pokes his toes into his mouth-
Thus making both ends meet.
The dog, attached to a tin pail,
Goes howling down the street,
And, as he madly bites his tail,
He maketh both ends meet.
The butcher slays the pensive pig,
Cuts off his ears and feet,
And grinds them into a sausage big-
Thus making both ends meet.
'
The farmer coops his ducks and hens
Feeds them with corn and wheat;
The means must justify the ends,
For thus he makes them meat.
A Very Modest Man.
"Mr. Gordon, won't you step into the parlor for a moment?
I wish to speak with you," asked a New York boarding-house
keeper of a modest boarder who owed her two months' back
board.
"Really, Mrs. Grimshaw, I should like to accommodate you;
but what would the boarders say at seeing us alone? Think of
the scandal going through the papers, madam. Oh, no! Ex-
cuse me.'
""
Equally as modest a man was a beggar who called on Mrs.
Vanderbilt and said:

୧
"It was bit off."
C
(See page 107.)
AF:
My 95.
107
WIT.
46
Unless you give me aid, Mrs. Vanderbilt, I am afraid I
shall have to resort to something which I greatly dislike to do."
Mrs. Vanderbilt handed him a dollar, and asked compassion-
ately: "What is it, poor man, that I have saved you from?"
66 Work," was the mournful answer.
Too Inquisitive.
Sam Bacon, the most inquisitive man in New Haven, was
riding down the Houston road from Falls Village, when an
Englishman came into the car with one leg.
66
I guess you been in the army, stranger," said Sam, look-
ing down at the leg.
"No, sir, I've never been in the army," said the Englishman
"Fought a duel somewhere, I guess," suggested Sam.
"No, sir, never fought a duel."
"Been wrecked on the cars, perhaps?"
"No, sir; nothing of that kind."
Sam tried various dodges, but to no effect, and at last, almost
out of patience with himself, as well as with the gentleman,
whose patience was very commendable, he determined on a
direct inquiry as to the nature of the accident which caused the
gentleman to lose his leg.
"I will tell you," replied the Englishman, "on condition
that you will promise not to ask me another question.”
"Very well," said Sam, "just tell me how you lost that leg,
and I won't ask you another question."
"Well, sir," remarked the Englishman, "it was bit off!"
"Bit off!” cried Sam. "Wa'al, I declare; I should jes
like to know what on airth-"
"No, sir, not another question," interrupted the English-
"not one."
man,
When Sam Bacon reached Bridgeport, he was taken down
with a sick headache. His curiosity was too much for him,
but he died without having it satisfied.
WIT AND HUMOR.
108
Eli Perkins on Drunkards.
The last New York bon mot happened on New Year's day.
George W. Carleton, the publisher, the brightest wit in New
York, in making his New Year's round, called on a good old
mother in Israel on Madison avenue. She is a real good old pillar
of the Methodist Church - Mrs. Brewster is, with white Quaker-
combed hair, and nine naughty grandchildren. When I saw
Freddy, the youngest, he was sailing a paper boat in the New
Year's claret punch-bowl, and shooting with his bow and arrow
at the things on a Christmas tree.
6.6
Freddy, you mustn't be rude," said the good vid grand-
mother, catching him by the arm.
"Ou do way," said Freddy, pulling one arm almost out of
his sleeve in his effort to escape.
"Little boys must not sass their grandmothers, Freddy,'
said the old lady. "I never knew a boy to sass his grand-
mother who didn't come to some bad end.”
··
"Fourteen years ago," continued the old lady, "I knew a
ittle boy who sassed his grandmother up in Stamford, Conn.
He got up in an apple tree and sassed her, and I knew that
boy would come to some bad end. Well, I watched that boy,
and what do you think? Why, last week he died, and went
down to a drunkard's grave. Yes, he filled a drunkard's
grave, and-""
99
"And the drunkard let him do it," interrupted Mr. Carle-
ton. And I'll bet ten dollars that that miserable drunkard
is now in New York drinking wine and eating big dinners at
Delmonicc's every day, while this poor little boy who sassed
his grandmother occupies his grave up in Stamford. It's a
shame! Novody but a mean, miserable drunkard would stand
by and see an unfortunate little boy occupy his grave."
7

J.Sany.
55"16"
"Pay for it! Of course I didn't! Why should I? I didn't take it,
did I?" (See page 109.)
WIT
109
A Sharp Bargain.
W. A. Croffut.
A shrewd old Windom county yankee went into a grocery
store at Norwich and asked the price of herrings.
"Three cents apiece," answered the grocer.
"Ah," said Smarty, briskly, "I'll take one;" and the gro
cer rolled him up his herring. As he took the parcel, a new
thought struck him.
66
"How much a glass?"
"Three cents.'
Keep beer?" he shouted, explosively.
"Yes," said the grocer, as soon as he recovered from the
shock of his customer's abruptness.
دو
"Oh, ah,” said the customer, thoughtfully, and then with
great rapidity: "Well, I won't take the herring - I'll take
beer; herring's three cents; beer's three cents; give me the
beer-there's the herring;" and he passed over the herring,
drank the beer, and started to go.
• See here," interrupted the grocer, "you haven't paid for
the beer."
"Paid for it; of course I haven't; I gave you the herring
for it; both the same price, you said.”
""
"Y-e-s-I know," said the grocer, who was getting con-
fused; "but you didn't pay for the herring."
"Pay for it!" thundered Smarty; "of course I didn't. Why
should I? 1 didn't take it, did I?"
And then the grocer said meekly: "Oh, well, I presume it's
all right-only I don't- but of course you're correct—only,
if you'd just as leave, I wish you'd trade somewhere else.”
The customer retired, and the grocer fell into a brown study,
from which he at length emerged, with the remark, “Well,
that's a darned smart feller, anyhow."
110
WIT AND HUMOR.
1
How a Missouri Desperado Showed His Gratitude.
Eli Perkins.
Two years ago, the James brothers, who sacked the express
car, and "went through" the passengers on the Chicago,
Rock Island and Pacific at Gad's Hill, stole the money box at
the Kansas State fair. They rode into Kansas City on horse-
back, and when the cashier was walking to the bank with the
receipts of the day, about $2,000, they pointed their pistols at
his head, seized the box, and galloped off. This was done in
broad daylight, in the midst of a great crowd.
Some time afterward, one of the Kansas City reporters wrote
an article about these highwaymen, saying some kind things.
He called them brave, and said they had done the most daring
deed in the highwayman's record. A few nights afterward,
one of the Jaines brothers rode into Kansas City, went to the
newspaper office and, calling the reporter out, presented him a
handsome watch and chain. They said the article in question
touched them in a tender spot, and they desired to show their
gratitude.
"But I don't feel at liberty to take this watch," said the
reporter.
"But do it to gratify us. We didn't steal this watch; we
bought it and paid for it with our own money," continued the
desperadoes.
"No; you must excuse me," continued the reporter.
2
"Well, then, if you can't take this watch," replied the James
brothers, regretfully, "what can we do for you? Perhaps you
can name some man around here you want killed!"
National Traits.
A gentleman wishing to discover the predominating trait in
the character of an Irishman, an Englishman, a Frenchman,
Scotchman and a Yankee, thought he would ask the repre
{
WTT.
111
sentative from each nation the same question and note their
answers.
First he met an Englishman and asked him the question:
"What will you take to stand all night in the tower of that
church?"
""
"I should not wish to do it short of a guinea,
The Scotchman came along, and to the same inquiry
answered:
"And what would you be willing to give?"
A Frenchman was met, and, bowing very politely, said:
"I would be most happy to oblige you, but I beg to be ex-
cused at present as I am engaged.
»
Jonathan promptly replied to the question:
"What will you take to do it?"
"I'll take a dollar."
And last of all came Patrick, and when the inquiry was put
to him, he replied:
"An' sure, I think I would take cowld."
The California Sunday School Teacher.
Eli Perkins.
There are good men out in California, very good men, and
shrewd men, too.
The other day a real good young man, who used to teach a
Bible-class out in San Francisco, boarded the Union Pacific
train at Ogden. He was going home to Boston as a delegate
from California to the Massachusetts Sunday School Associa-
tion. He was neatly and sweetly dressed, and spent most of
his time reading the Christian at Work. After a while he
got introduced to a Colonel, a Professor and a Doctor, who
said they also lived in Boston, and they invited him to take a
quiet game of Enchire.
During an animated religious conversation, three aces were
thrown on his side of the table, after which one of the Boston-
ians gayly remarked, with the greatest coolness, "I wish that
112
WIT AND HUMOR.
we were playing poker. I don't know that I have been
favored with such a hand for years.
Our religious young
man from San Francisco immediately saw the game of the
sharpers, looked up innocently, and remarked:
"I have been favored also. I have a pretty good poker
hand myself."
The three looked at each other significantly.
"They call you Professor?" asked the young man from Sar
Francisco.
"Yes."
"And they call you Colonel?"
* Yes."
ور
"You are from the East, I believe?»
"Yes, from Boston."
(6
1
Well, gentlemen," he continued, rising, "you had better
take the next train back. We meet it just the other side oi
the Grand Cañon. You can't make a cent at this. They have
been teaching it in the Sunday Schools in California for years."
Artemus Ward's Fort
Every man has got a Fort. It's sum men's fort to do one
thing, and sum other men's fort to do another, while there is
numeris shiftliss critters goin round loose whose fort is not, ic
do nothin.
Shakspeer rote good plase, but he wouldn't hav succeeded as
a Washington correspondent of a New York daily paper. He
lackt the rekesit fancy and imagginashun.
That's so !
Old George Washington's Fort was to not hev eny public
man of the present day resemble him to eny alarmin extent.
Whare bowts can George's ekal be fownd? I ask, & boldly
anser no whares, or eny whare else.
My Fort is the grate moral show bizniss & ritin choice
WIT
113
་་
famerly literatoor for the noospapers. That's what's the mat
ter with me.
&c., &c., &c. So I mite go on to a indefinite extent.
Twict I've endevered to do things which thay wasn't my
Fort. The fust time was when I undertuk to lick a owdashus
cuss who cut a hole in my tent & krawld threw. Sez I, "my
jentle Sir go out or I shall fall unto you putty hevy." Sez he,
"Wade in, Old wax figgers," whareupon I went for him, but
he cawt me powerful on the head & knockt me threw the tent
into a cow pastur. He pursood the attack & flung me into a
mud puddle. As I aroze & rung out my drencht garmints I
koncluded fitin wasn't my Fort. Ile now rize the kurtin upon
Seen 2nd: It is rarely seldum that I seek consolation in the
Floin Bole. But in a sertin town in Injianny my orgin grinder
got sick with the fever & died. I never felt so ashamed in my
life, & I thowt I'd hist in a few swallers of suthin strengthin.
Konsequents was I histid in so much I dident zackly know
whare bowts I was. I turnd my livin wild beests of Pray loose
into the streets and spilt all my wax wurks. I then bet I could
play hoss. So I hitched myself to a Kanawl bote, there bein
two other horses hitched on also, one behind and anuther
ahead of me. The driver hollered for us to git up, and we
did. But the hosses being onused to sich a arrangement be-
gun to kick & squeal and rair up. Konsequents was I was
kickt vilently in the stummick & back, and presuntly I fownd
myself in the Kanawl with the other hosses, kickin & yellin
like a tribe of Cusscaroorus savijis.. I was rescood, & as I was
bein carrid to the tavern on a hemlock Bored I sed in a feeble
voise, "Boys, playin hoss isn't my Fort."
MORUL.-Never don't do nothin which isn't your Fort, for ef
you do you'll find yourself splashin round in the Kanawl, fig-
geratively speakin.
114
WIT AND HUMOR.
O
Modern Fables.
An elephant had been endeavoring to rive the bole of a
knotted oak with his trunk, but the tree closed upon that mein-
ber, detaining it and causing the hapless elephant intense.
pain. He shook the forest with his trumpeting, and all the
beasts gathered around him. "Ah, ha, my friend,” said a
pert chimpanzee, "you have got your trunk checked, I sec."
"My children," said a temperate camel to her young, "let
this awful example teach you to shun the bole." "Does it
hurt you much?" said a compassionate gnu. "Ah, it does;
it does; it must; I have been a mother myself." And while
they were sympathizing with him, the unfortunate elephant
expired in great agony.
Moral. The moral of the above is so plain as to need no
explanation. Talk is cheap.
The Hare and the Tortoise.
The hare once challenged the tortoise to a trial of speed.
The hare frisked about merrily, paying little attention to his
rival or jeering him for his slowness. The tortoise, however,
plodded along steadily and had well nigh reached the end,
when the hare observed his progress. Away darted the hare
like lightning and won the race.
Moral.--The race is not always to the slow.
The Merchant of Venice.
A Venetian merchant, who was lolling in the lap of luxury,
was accosted upon the Rialto by a friend who had not seen
him for many months. "How is this," cried the latter,
"when I last saw you, your gaberdine was out at elbows,
and now you sail in your own gondola?" "True," replied the
merchant, "but since then I have met with serious losses and
been obliged to compound with my creditors for ten cents on
the dollar."
Moral.-Composition is the life of trade.
1
WIT.
115
Fable of the Viper and the File.
A viper entered a blacksmith's shop one day, and feeling
rather empty, began to forage for lunch. At length, seeing a
file, he went up to it and commenced biting at it. "Chaw
away, old bird," said the file, "you won't make much out of
me; I'm a slugger myself, I am." The viper, refusing to take
warning, however, kept on his repast until he had completely
swallowed the file. He had no sooner done so than he curled
up his legs and died; and no wonder-he had eaten a file c
the Congressional Record.
An Extraordinary Woman.
Angry wife (time 2 A.M.)-Is that you, Charles?
Jolly husband-Zaslı me!
+
Angry wife-Ilere have I been standing at the head of the
stairs these two hours. Oh! Charles, how can you?
Jolly husband (bracing up) — Shtandin' on your head on t
shtairs! Jenny, I'm shprized! How can I? By Jove, I
can't! Two hours, too! 'Strornary woman!
The Lion and the Giraffe.
A lion who had long reigned with supreme power over the
forest, one day called a convention of all the beasts and an-
nounced his intention of abdicating.
"I am growing old and feeble, and must soon pass away,
he argued. “All things considered it is better that my suc
cessor be nominated and installed while I am living to give
him the benefits of my experience and advice."
There was general joy among the beasts, for the lion had
lorded it after his own fashion. The elephant was squinting
around, the rhinoceros was pushing his nose into the crowd,
>>
116
WIT AND HUMOR.
and the giraffe was doing a heap of thinking way down his
throat when the lion continued :
"After serious reflection and solemn consideration I have
decided that my own son shall succeed me. The office will
not only be kept in the family, but the family will be kept in
office. There being no further business before the meeting
we will adjourn."
"But why the need of this convention?" protested the rhi-
noceros.
"Well, there wasn't any particular need of it," replied the
lion, "but it is customary to call one in order to collect the
expenses of nomination. Brother giraffe, pass the hat!"
Moral" Attend the primaries!"
Slightly Confused.
Col. Smith was the guest of Congressman Belford in Wash-
ington, and was returning to his hotel late one night when he
lost his way. While browsing about in an aimless, inane sort
of a manner, he encountered a policeman.
"Scuse me, my frien'," said Col. Smith, "but can you tell
me which izee opposite side o' ze street?"
"Why," explained the policeman, "it's over there—the
other side."
"Zat's what I thought," said Col. Smith, "but while I was
walking over there a few minutes 'go, I asked a man an' he
told me zis wazzee opp'site side ! ”
Eli Perkins and the Quaker.
I lectured in a good old Quaker town up in Pennsylvania a
lew weeks ago, and after the lecture, the lecture committee
came to me with my fee in his hand, and said, as he counted
the roll of bills:
}
¡
WIT
117
13
(
Eli, my friend, does thee believe in the maxims of Benja
min Franklin?"
"Yea," I said.
"Well, friend Eli, Benjamin Franklin, in his Poor Richard
maximns, says that Time is money.””
،
"Yea, verily, I have read it," I said.
"Well, Eli, if time is money,' as thy friend, Poor Pichard,
says, and thee believe so, then verily I will keep the money
and let thee take it out in time."
Eli Perkins' Happy Thoughts.
I saw a man pulling his arms off trying to get on a new pair
of boots, so I said:
Happy Thought-They are too small, and you will never
be able to get them on until you have worn them a spell.
I heard an officer in the Seventh Regiment scolding a pri-
vate for coming too late to drill, so I said:
Happy Thought-- Somebody's must always come last; this
fellow ought to be praised, for, if he had come earlier, he
would have shirked this scolding off upon somebody else!
I saw an old maid at the Fifth Avenue with her face cov-
ered with wrinkles, turning sadly away from the mirror, as she
said:
Happy Thought-Mirrors, nowadays, are very faulty. They
don't make such nice mirrors as they used to when I was
young.
I heard a young lady from Brooklyn praising the sun, so I
said:
Happy Thought-The sun may be very good, but the moon
is a good deal better, for she gives us light in the night, when
we need it, while the sun only shines in the daytime, when it
is light enough without it.
I saw two men shoot an eagle, and as it dropped on the
ground, I said:
118
WIT AND HUMOR.
Happy Thought-You might have saved your powder, for
the fall alone would have killed him.
Two Mississippi River darkies saw, for the first time, a train
of cars. They were in a quandary to know what kind of a
monster it was, so one said:
Happy Thought-It is a dried-up steamboat getting back
into the river.
A poor, sick man, with a mustard plaster on him, said:
Happy Thought--If I should eat a loaf of bread, I'd be a
live sandwich!
As a man was burying his wife, he said to his friend in the
graveyard: Alas! you feel happier than I. Yes, neighbor,
said the friend :
Happy Thought-I ought to feel happier; I have two wives
buried there!
A man out West turned state's evidence and swore he was a
member of a gang of thieves. By and by they found the roll
of actual members, and accused the man of swearing falsely.
"I was a member," said the man, "I-
Happy Thought-"I was an honorary member !"
—
Griswold on the Buzz-Saw.
Uncle George had a controversy with a buzz-saw the other
morning. It seems that my uncle got the worst of the argu-
ment. He was resting.
"Uncle George," said I, "I hear you were buzz-sawed this
morning?"
"I was! I was buzz-sawed, sure!" said Uncle George, hold-
ing up a bunch of white rags at the end of his arm.
"Did it hurt you much?" I continued, sitting down on the
bed.
"Two fingers and a thumb."
"You have got them tied up? "
"No; I have got the place where they were tied up."
WI..
119
$
"Then they are off?"
"Yes, a good ways off."
"How did it happen?"
"I pushed my hand against the saw while running a
narrow strip through."
"Did you keep it there very long?"
"No."
"Did you take it right away?"
“Yes.”
99
"Did you take it all away?'
"All but two fingers and a thumb."
"What did you do with them?
""
"I left them on the other side of the saw.”
""
"Did you say anything at the time?"
"I did; but it won't do to publish.
4i Do
you think the buzz-saw was to blame ?"
"Chiefly."
"How did it feel?"
"A good deal like shaking hands with a streak of light-
ning."
"Did the buzz-saw say anything?"
"It said 'Zip!' and then buzzed on.”
"Do you think you would put your hand there if you had it
to do over?"
66
Hardly."
"Don't you think it would be a good thing if a buzz-saw
could be invented that would saw without moving?"
"Undoubtedly.”
"Do you know anything more about a buzz-saw than any
body else does?"
"Yes."
"What?"
“Don't you ever get within a mile of a buzz-saw when it is
in motion."
"Why?"
120
WIT AND HUMOR.
"Your curiosity might get the better of your judgment, and
you would be tempted to experiment until your fingers were
all left where mine are. Good afternoon."
Smart Sayings.
"My friend," said Douglass Jerold, "have you sufficient
confidence in me to lend me a guinea?"
"Oh, yes, I have the confidence," said his friend, "but I
haven't got the guinea."
**
*
Sheridan — scholar, wit and spendthrift - being dunned by
a tailor to pay at least the interest on his bill, answered that it
was not his interest to pay the principal, nor his principle to
pay the interest. The tailor thoughtfully retired.
*
An old rail-splitter in indiana put the quietus upon a fellow
who chafed him upon his bald head, in these words: "Young
man, when my head gets as soft as yours, I can raise hair to
sell."
**
*
"Sit down!" said a nervous old gentleman to his son, who
was making too much noise.
"I won't do it,” was the impudent answer.
I will be obeyed!"
"Well, then, stand up.
* *
X
"How much do you charge for weighing hogs?” asked a
gentleman of one of our "weighmasters."
66
Oh, just get on: I'll weigh you for nothing," was the
bland reply.
**
An old farmer said to his sons: "Boys, don't you ever,
spekerlate or wait for somethin' to turn up. You might jest
as well go and sit down on a stone in the middle of a medder
WIT.
121
with a pail 'twixt your legs and wait for a cow to back up to
you to be milked."
* *
X-
"Now, John, suppose there's a load of hay on one side of
the river and a jackass on the other side, and no bridge, and
the river is too wide to swim, how can the jackass get to the.
hay?”
66
I give it up."
"Well, that's just what the other jackass did."
Mark Antony's Oration Over Cæsar.
[The Text from which Shakespeare wrote his Version.]
Friends, Romans, countrymen! Lend me your ears;
I will return them next Saturday. I come
To bury Cæsar, because the times are hard
And his folks can't afford to hire an undertaker.
The evil that men do lives after them,
In the shape of progeny that reap the
Benefit of their life insurance.
So let it be with the deceased.
Brutus had told you Cæsar was ambitious :
What does Brutus know about it?
It is none of his funeral. Would that it were!
Here, under leave of you, I come to
Make a speech at Cæsar's funeral.
He was my friend, faithful and just to me;
He loaned me five dollars once when I was in a pinch
And signed my petition for a postoffice.
But Brutus says he was ambitious.
Brutus should wipe off his chin.
Cæsar hath brought many captives to Rome
Who broke rock on the streets until their ransoms
Did the general coffers fill.
When that the poor hath cried, Cæsar wept,
Because it didn't cost anything, and
Made him solid with the masses. [Cheers.]
Ambition should be made of sterner stuff,
Yet Brutus says he was ambitious.
Brutus is a liar and I can prove it.
You all did see that on the Lupercal
R. W. Grisweli
122
WIT AND HUMOR,
I thrice presented him a kingly crown
Which thrice he did refuse, because it did not fit him quite,
Was this ambitious? Yet Brutus says he was ambitious.
Brutus is not only the biggest liar in the country
But he is a horse-thief of the deepest dye. [Applause.]
If you have tears, prepare to shed them now. [Laughter.]
You all do know this ulster.
I remember the first time ever Cæsar put it on,
It was on a summer's evening in his tent,
With the thermometer registering ninety degrees in the shade;
But it was an ulster to be proud of.
And cost him seven dollars at Marcus Swartzmeyer's.
Corner of Fulton and Ferry streets, sign of the red flag.
Old Swartz wanted forty dollars for it.
But finally came down to seven dollars because it was Cæsar!
Was this ambition? If Brutus says it was
He is even a greater liar than Mrs. Tilton!
Look! in this place ran Cassius's dagger through:
Through this the son of a gun of Brutus stabbed,
And when he plucked his cursed steel away,
Mark Anthony how the blood of Cæsar followed it!
[Cheers and cries of "Give us something on the Silver
bill!" "Hit him again!" &c.]
I come not, friends, to steal away your hearts,
I am no thief as Brutus is,
Brutus has a monopoly in all that business,
And if he had his deserts, he would be
In the penitentiary, and don't you forget it!
Kind friends, sweet friends, I do not wish to stir you up
To such a sudden flood of mutiny.
And as it looks like rain,
The pall bearers will proceed to place the coffin in the hearse,
And we will proceed to bury Cæsar,
Not to praise him.
He Proved it.
Major Ben Russell, being met one day by his old friend
Busby, he was familiarly saluted with a hearty shake of the
hand, and "How do you do, old Ben Russell?"
"Come, now," said Major Ben, "I'll not take that from you
-not a bit of it; you are as old as I am this minute."
"Upon my word," said Mr. Busby, "you are my senior by
at least ten years.' 97
WIT.
128
f
"Not at all, friend Busby, and, if you please, we will deter-
mine that question very soon-
thing you can recollect?"
dag
- just tell me what is the first
"Well, the very first thing I recollect," said Mr. Busby,
was hearing people say: There goes old Ben Russell!'"
66
66
"Annie, is it proper to say this 'ere, that 'are?"
""
Why, Kate, of course not.'
“Well, I don't know whether it is proper or not, but I feel
cold in this ear from that air."
Eli Perkins' Sayings.
Levity is the soul of wit.
**
*
A "boor" is a man who talks so much about himself that
you don't get a chance to talk about yourself.
* *
*
* *
Never blow a man's brains out to get his money, young
man, but just shy around and blow his money out and get
his brains.
*-
C
X X
What will eventually become of the thoroughly wicked and
depraved? is a question often asked. They will probably all
practice law a little while, and eventually all go to the Legis-
lature.
*
Aristocratic relations have nothing to do with a man's real
character. Cain belonged to one of the first families in the
Holy Land, but when he got mad he was such a bad man that
he killed half the young men in Asia.
* *
X
If you get the best of whiskey, whiskey will get the best of
you,
& wy
}
124
WIT AND HUMOR.
Muzlin' makes a dog safe, while it makes a young lady dat
gerous—still, in hot weather they both want muslin.
* *
*
They say "love is blind," but I know a lover in Jersey City
who can see a good deal more beauty in his sweetheart than
I can.
* *
*
Ladies, skip this paragraph! It is really unfit for publicati,n.
It got into my letters by mistake, and I ask the printer to
destroy it or set it up wrong side up:
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* *
X-
A shoemaker was arrested for bigamy and brought before
the magistrate.
"Which wife,” asked a bystander, "will he be obliged to
take?"
Smith, always ready at a joke, replied, "He is a cobbler,
and of course must stick to his last."
Artemas Ward on Paying Debts.
A gentlemanly friend of mine, writes Artemas Ward, came
one day with tears in his eyes.
I said "Why those weeps?"
He said he had a mortgage on his farm and wanted to bor
row two hundred dollars.
I lent him the money, and he went away
Some time after, he returned with more tears. He said
he must leave me forever. I ventured to remind him of
WIT.
125
the two hundred dollars he borrowed. He was much cut up
I thought I would not be hard upon him, so told him I would
throw off one hundred dollars. He brightened up, shook my
hand, and said :
"Old friend, I won't allow you to outdo me in liberality;
I'll throw off the other hundred."
And thus he discharged the debt.
Animate and Inanimate Nature.
"Can a thing which has no life move?" asked Joseph Cook
of Eli Perkins.
"Of course they can," replied Eli. "Why last year I saw
a watch spring, a rope walk, a horse fly, a match box, a pea-
nut stand, a mill dam, an oyster fry, and a cat fish; and this
year," continued Eli, "I expect to see a peach blow, a gin
rling, a brandy smash, and-"
"Anything more, Mr. Perkins?"
"Why, yes, I expect to see a stone fence, a cane brake, and
a bank run."
"Did you ever see a shoe shop, a gum boil, or hear a
codfish bawl?" asked Mr. Cook.
"No, but I've seen a plank walk, a horse whip, and a tree
toad, and I would not be surprised some day to see the great
Atlantic coast, the Pacific slope, a tree box, and—”
As Mr. Cook left, Eli told him that he had often seen a very
mysterious thing—that he had seen a uniform smile.
66
'Why, I've often seen a sword fish," said Mr. Cook. “I've
seen hog skin boots too, and once I saw some alligator's hide
shoes. Yes," he continued, "Mr. Perkins, I have even heard
the bark of a tree--actually seen the tree bark, seen it holler
and commence to leave. The tree held on to its trunk, which
they were trying to seize for board."
196
WIT AND HUMOR.
A farmer asked Griswold, the "Fat Contributor," to give
his opinion about late plowing:
"Plowing," replied Griswold, "should not be continued
later than ten or eleven o'clock at night. It gets the horses
into the habit of staying out late, and unduly exposes the plow."
Another subscriber asked "Gris," "how long cows should
be milked." Gris replied:
"The same as short cows."
Prudery Rebuked.
Genl. Sherman was once traveling in the vicinity of Lake
George in company with several ladies, when one of them,
more remarkable for prudery than good taste, took occasion to
call forth the polished satire of the wit, after this fashion :
"Dear me, General, that's very shocking!"
"What, madam?”
"Why, there! down on the lake; those boys-bathing.
Gen. Sherman looked—and saw some half dozen little
urchins gamboling in nudity and unconcealed delight, along
the sparkling sands; and thus rebuked his less modest com-
panion:
"Boys? Those are girls, madam, are they not?"
66
'Why, General, no! I assure you they are boys!"
"Are they? Ah! Well, ex-cuse me, madam, at this
distance I don't know the difference!"
Mrs. Partington.
"Are you the judge of reprobates?" said Mrs. Partington,
as she walked into an office of a judge of probate.
"I am a judge of probate," was the reply.
"Well, that's as I expect," quoth the old lady. "You see
my father died detested and left several little infidels, and I
want to be their executioner.”
WIT.
127
Wilkin's Sermon.
Full many a man, who now doth beat the printer
Will waste his voice upon the heated air,
And vainly sigh for cooling breeze of winter,
When he is punished for his sins down there
# F
Had to Take an Interest.
Two "commercial tourists" of the pine-board persuasion
"Helloo, Charley,"
met in the Union depot the other day.
says
No. 1, "haven't seen you in an age.
now?"
What are you doing
"Oh, I am in the same old line," responds No. 2.
"With the same house?"
"Yes, same old concern, but situated a little differently."
"How is that?"
"Well, I've got an interest."
"Is that so. How long since?"
"Since the first of the month.’
"9
"Let me congratulate you."
"Yes, the old man told me I'd got to take an interest in the
business this year, or quit. So I took the interest."
Ancient Greek and Roman Wit.
Eli Perkins.
The Greeks and Romans had their wits and humorists as
well as we of modern time. Antisthenes, born at Athens in
the nineteenth Olympiad, afterwards a pupil of Socrates, was
the Randolph of Greece. He was a cynic, and the Greeks say
he snarled like a dog.
One day Diogenes went to Antisthenes and asked him if he
would like a true friend?
"Yes," said Antisthenes, " if that friend can free me from
pain,"
128
WIT AND HUMOR.
"This friend will free you from pain," said Diogenes, hand-
ing him a dagger.
"Yes, and from life, too. I did not say that," replied An-
tisthenes.
Plato asked this cynic a conundrum: "What is the differ
ence between a crow and a flatterer?"
"One," said Antisthenes, "devours the dead, while the
other devours the living."
When some wicked men praised the cynic, he said: "If the
wicked praise me, it must be for doing something wicked.
When wicked men abuse me, I know I am doing right.”
When the Athenian senate promoted a good many gen
erals, like our political generals during the war, Antisthenes
said "Why don't you politicians vote that asses are horses?"
One day an Athenian fellow was boasting of his good looks.
"I am beautiful," he said.
66
Yes, so is a brass statue beautiful," said the cynic, “and
empty, too, like yourself."
""
Eli's Doubtful Compliment,
Yesterday, as the Santa Fé train neared Topeka I sat down
by an old farmer from Lawrence. Corn bins lined the road,
and millions of bushels of corn greeted us from the car win-
dows. Sometimes the bins full of golden grain followed the
track like a huge yellow serpent.
Looking up at the old granger, I asked him where all this
corn came from. "Do you ship it from New York, sir?"
"From what?" he said.
"From New York, sir."
"What, corn from New York !"
"Yes, sir," I said.
did you ship it from England?"
He looked at me from head to foot, examined my coat,
looked at my ears, and then exclaimed,
"Did you import it from New York, or
WIT.
129
"Great God!"
66
I never heard those two words sound so like "darned fool"
ད་
before.
A moment afterwards the old fariner turned his eyes pity-
ingly upon me and asked me where I lived.
"I live in New York, sir."
"Whar?"
"In New York, sir. I came west to lecture.”
"What, you lecture?"
"Yes, sir."
56 You! "
"I do."
"You lecture! you do? Well, I'd give ten dollars to hear
you lecture!"
I never knew whether this was a great compliment, or-
well, or what it was.
**
*
"How much is the toll?” asked two old women of an Indiana
toll-gate keeper.
"Twenty cents for a man and a horse," answered the gate
keeper.
"Well, then, get out of the way; we're two old women and
a mare. Get up, Jenny!"
As the two old women went flying down the road the old
man simply exclaimed:
66
By Gum !"
Secretary Chase and the Noble Young Man from Ohio.
There was a noble youth from Ohio who, on being urged to
take wine at the table of Chief Justice Chase in Washington,
had the moral courage to refuse. He was a poor young man,
just beginning the struggle of life,
"Not take a glass of wine?" said Mr. Chase, in wonder
ment and surprise.
130
WIT AND HUMOR.
"Not one simple glass of wine?" echoed the statesman's
beautiful and fascinating daughter, as she arose, glass in hand,
and, with a grace that would have charmed an anchorite, en-
deavored to press it upon him.
"No," said the heroic youth, resolutely, gently repelling the
proffered glass.
What a picture of moral grandeur. A poor, friendless
youth refusing wine at the table of a famous statesman, even
though proffered by a beautiful lady.
"No," said the noble young man, and his voice trembled a
httle and his cheek flushed. "I never drink wine, but-
(here he straightened himself up and his words grew firmer)--
if you've got a little good old rye whisky I don't mind trying
a snifter!"
* *
*
"Did any of you ever see an elephant's skin?" inquired a
teacher of an infant class.
"I have," exclaimed one.
"Where?" asked the teacher.
"On the elephant."
* *
*
Flora pointed pensively to the masses of clouds in the sky,
saying:
"I wonder where those clouds are going?" and her brother
remarked:
"I think they are going to thunder."
* *
*
Why will young ladies lace so tight?
My Uncle Consider says our New York young ladies lace
tight so as to show economical young fellows how frugal they
are-how little waste they can get along with. They don't
lace so as to show their beaux how much squeezing they can
stand, and not hurt 'em, oh, no!

EVAHTELA
علان
Are you the duck that runs the gospel mill next door?'
(See page 131.)
1
WM.
Mr. Jack Astor left Saratoga yesterday just because he wrote
his name with a diamond on one of the French glass windows
of the Hotel and the landlord came along and wrote under it :
"Whene'er I see a fellow's name
Written on the glass,
I know he owns a diamond,
And his father owns an ass."
El Perkins,
Tight Money Market.
"How is money this morning, Uncle Daniel?" asked Uncle
Consider, as he shook hands with that good old Methodist
operator on the street this morning.
66
Money's close and Erie's down, brother; down-down-
down !"
Ka
"Is money very close, Uncle Daniel?"
"Orful, Brother-orful!”
"Wall, Brother Drew, ef money continues very close to-
day," said Uncle Consider, drawing himself up close to Uncle
Daniel; "ef she gets very close-close enough so you can
reach out and scoop in a few dollars for me, I wish you would
do it.'
22
Uncle Daniel said he would.
Mark Twain's Nevada Funeral. - Scotty Briggs and the
Clergyman.
Scotty Briggs choked and even shed tears; but with an
effort he mastered his voice and said in lugubrious tones to
the clergyman:
"Are you the duck that runs the gospel-mill next door?
"Am I the pardon me, I believe I do not understand?"
With another sigh, and half-sob, Scotty rejoined:
"Why you see we are in a bit of trouble, and the boys
thought maybe you would give us a lift, if we'd tackle you -
""
WET AND HUMOR.
132
that is, if I've got the rights of it and you are the head clerk
of the doxology-works next door."
"I am the shepherd in charge of the flock whose fold is
next door."
"The which?"
"The spiritual adviser of the little company of believers
whose sanctuary adjoins these premises."
Scotty scratched his head, reflected a moment, and then
said:
"You ruther hold over me, pard. I reckon I can't call
that hand. Ante and pass the buck."
"How? I beg pardon. What did I understand you to
say?"
"Well, you've ruther got the bulge on me.
Or maybe
we've both got the bulge somehow. You don't smoke me
and I don't smoke you. You see, one of the boys has passed
in his checks and we want to give him a good send-off, and so
the thing I'm on now is to roust out somebody to jerk a little
chin-music for us and waltz him through handsome."
66
My friend, I seem to grow more and more bewildered.
Your observations are wholly incomprehensible to me. Can-
not you simplify them in some way? At first I thought per-
haps I understood you, but I grope now. Would it not expe-
dite matters if you restricted yourself to categorical statements
of fact unencumbered with obstructing accumulations of
metaphor and allegory?"
Another pause, and more reflection. Then, said Scotty:
"I'll have to pass, I judge."
"How?"
"You have raised me out, pard.
"I still fail to catch your meaning."
66
Why, that last lead of yourn is too many for me
the idea. I can't neither trump nor follow suit."
The clergyman sank back in his chair perplexed Scotty
99
that's
WIL
leaned his head on his hand and gave himself up to thought.
Presently his face came up, sorrowful but confident.
"I've got it now, so's you can savvy," he said.
we want is a gospel-sharp. See?"
"A what?”
"What
"Gospel-sharp. Parson."
"Oh! Why did you not say so before? I am a clergyman-
a parson."
man.
"Now you talk! You see my blind and straddle it like a
Put it there!"—extending a brawny paw, which closed
over the minister's small hand and gave it a shake indicative
of fraternal sympathy and fervent gratification.
you
"Now we're all right, pard. Let's start fresh. Don't
mind my snuffling a little--becuz we're in a power of trouble.
You see one of the boye has gone up the flume--"
"Gone where?"
"Up the flume-throwed up the sponge, you under-
stand."
"Throwed up the sponge?"
໒ Yes-kicked the bucket-??
CESTOVNE ON
"Ah !—has departed to that mysterious country from whose
bourne no traveler returns.
>>
"Return! I reckon not. Why pard, he's dead!”
"Yes, I understand."
Oh, you do? Well I thought maybe you might be get
ting tangled some more. Yes, you see he's dead again-"
66
Again? Why, has he ever been dead before? "
"Dead before? No! Do you reckon a man has got as
many lives as a cat? But you bet you he's awful dead now,
poor old boy, and I wish I'd never seen this day. I don't want
no better friend than Buck Fanshaw. I knowed him by the
back; and when I know a man and like him, I freeze to him—
you hear me. Take him all round, pard, there never was a bullier
man in the mines. No man ever knowed Buck Fanshaw to go
!
WIT AND HUMOR
134
It
back on a friend. But it's all up, you know, it's all up.
ain't no use. They've scooped him."
"Scooped him?"
once.
"Yes-death has. Well, well, well, we've got to give him
up. Yes, indeed. It's kind of a hard world, after all, ain't it?
But pard, he was a rustler You ought to see him get started
He was a bully boy with a glass eye! Just spit in his
face and give him room according to his strength, and it was just
beautiful to see him peel and go in. He was the worst son of
a thief that ever drawed breath. Pard, he was on it! He
was on it bigger than an Injun!"
"On it? On what?"
"On the shoot. On the shoulder. On the fight, you under-
stand. He didn't give a continental for anybody. Beg your
pardon, friend, for coming so near saying a cuss-word—but
you see I'm on an awful strain, in this palaver, on account of
having to camp down and draw everything so mild. But
we've got to give him up. There ain't any getting around
that I don't reckon. Now if we can get you to help plant
him—"
"Preach the funeral discourse? Assist at the obsequies?"
Obs'quies is good. Yes. That's it-that's our little game.
We are going to get the thing up regardless, you know. He
was always nifty himself, and so you bet you his funeral ain't
going to be no slouch--solid silver door-plate on his coffin, six
plumes on the hearse, and a nigger on the box in a biled shirt
and a plug hat-how's that for high? And we'll take care of
you, pard. We'll fix you all right. There'll be a kerridge for
you; and whatever you want, you just 'scape out and we'll
tend to it. We've got a shebang fixed up for you to stand
behind, in No. 1's house, and don't you be afraid. Just go in
and toot your horn, if you don't sell a clam. Put Buck
through as bully as you can, pard, for anybody that knowed
him will tell you that he was one of the whitest men that was
ever in the mines. You can't draw it too strong. He never
135
WET.
could stand it to see things going wrong. He's done more to
male this town quiet and peaceable than any man in it. I've
seen him lick four Greasers in eleven minutes, myself. If a
thing wanted regulating, he warn't a man to go browsing
around after somebody to do it, but he would prance in and
regulate it himself. He warn't a Catholic. Scasely. He was
down on 'em. His word was, 'No Irish need apply!' But
it didn't make no difference about that when it came down to
what a man's rights was--and so, when some roughs jumped
the Catholic bone-yard and started in to stake out town lots in
it he went for 'em! And he cleaned 'em, too! I was there,
pard, and I seen it myself."
"That was very well, indeed at least the impulse was-
whether the act was strictly defensible or not. Had deceased
any religious convictions? That is to say, did he feel a depend-
ence upon, or acknowledge allegiance to a higher power?"
More reflection.
Mga
"I reckon you've stumped me again, pard. Could you say
it over once more, and say it slow?”
"Well, to simplify it somewhat, was he, or rather had he
ever been connected with any organization sequestered from
secular concerns and devoted to self-sacrifice in the interests of
morality?"
"All down but nine-set 'em up on the other alley, pard.
"What did I understand you to say?"
"How? Begin again?"
"That's it."
"Why, you're most too many for me, you know. When
you get in with your left I hunt grass every time. Every time
you draw you fill; but I don't seem to have any luck. Let's
have a new deal."
"Very well. Was he a good man, and—”
"There I see that; don't put up
at my hand. A good man, says you?
for it. He was the best man that ever
""
another chip till I look
Pard, it ain't no name
pard, you would have
Madaga
1
WIT AND HUMOR
186
>
doted on that man. He was always for peace, and he would have
peace-- he could not stand disturbances. Pard, he was a great
loss to this town. It would please the boys if you could chip
in something like that and do him justice. Here once when
the Micks got to throwing stones through the Methodis' Sun-
day school windows, Buck Fanshaw, all of his own notion,
shut up his saloon and took a couple of six-shooters and
mounted guard over the Sunday school. Says he, "No Irish
need apply!" And they didn't. He was the bulliest man in
the mountains, pard! He could run faster, jump higher, hit
harder, and hold more tangle-foot whisky without spilling it
than any man in seventeen counties. Put that in, pard—it'll
please the boys more than anything you could say. And you
can say, pard, that he never shook his mother."
"Never shook his mother?"
"That's it-any of the boys will tell you so.
"Well, but why should he shake her?"
"That's what I say-but some people does."
"Not people of any repute.
19
Well, some that averages pretty so-so.
"In my opinion the man that would offer personal violence
to his own mother ought to
ور
""
ܐ
"Cheese it, pard; you've banked your ball clean outside the
string. What I was a drivin' at was that he never throwed off
on his mother-don't you see? No, indeedy! He gave her
a house to live in, and town lots, and plenty of money; and
he looked after her and took care of her all the time; and
when she was down with the small-pox, I'm d-d if he didn't
set up nights and nuss her himself! Beg your pardon for say-
ing it, but it hopped out too quick for yours truly. You've
treated me like a gentleman, pard, and I ain't the man to hurt
your feelings intentional. I think you're white. I think
you're a square man, pard. I like you, and I'll lick any man
that don't. I'll lick him till he can't tell himself from a last
year's corpse! Put it there!" Another fraternal hand-shake
- and exit.]
FATHOS.
From Laughter to Tears.
Patho is the truthful description of a solemn scene.
We
enjoy pathos as much as we enjoy humor. Tears and laughter
come from the same fount. How many times we have seen
young ladies crying over a pathetic love-story. They would
read and cry, read and cry. If they didn't enjoy that pathos
they would throw the book away. The book may not have
cost ten cents, but they were trying to get a uollar's worth of
cry out of it.
Pathos and humor are twin sisters They are both true to
nature.
A Beautiful Death.
Eli Perkins.
"Doctor, is I got to go?"
"Aunt 'Liza, there is no hope for you."
"Bress the Creat Master for his goodness. Ise ready.”
The doctor gave a few directions to the colored women that
sat around 'Liz's bed, and started to leave, when he was
recalled by the o'd woman, who was drifting out with the tide :
"Marse Jolin, stay wid me till it's ober. I wants to talk ob
de old times. I knowed you when a boy, long 'fore you went
and been a doctor. I called you Marse John den; I call you
de same now. Take yo' ole mammy's hand, honey, and hold
it. Ise lived a long, long time. Ole marster and ole missus
hab gone before, and de chillun from de ole place is scattered
ober de world. I'd like to see 'em 'fore I starts on de journey
tonight. My ole man's gone, and all de chillun I nussed at
dis breast has gore too. Dey's waitin' for dere mudder on de
137
WIT AND HUMOR.
138
golden shore. I bress de Lord, Marse John, for takin' me to
meet 'em dar. Ise fought the good fight, and Ise not afraid to
meet de Saviour. No mo' wo'k for poor old mammy, no mo'
trials and tribulations-hold my hand tighter, Marse John--
fadder, mudder
mudder-marster misses-chillun Ise gwine
home."
p
-
The soul, while pluming its wings for its flight to the Great
Beyond, rested on the dusky face of the sleeper, and the
watchers, with bowed heads, wept silently. She was dead.
Mrs. Southey on the Pauper's Death.
Tread softly—bow the head-in reverent silence bow;
no passing bell doth toll, yet an immortal soul is passing now.
Stranger! however great, with lowly reverence bow there's
one in that poor shed-one by that paltry bed - greater than
thou. Beneath that beggar's roof, lo! Death doth keep his
state Enter-no crowds attend; enter-no guards defend
this palace gate. That pavement, damp and cold, no smiling"
courtiers tread; one silent woman stands, lifting with meagre
hands, a dying head. No mingling voices sound an infant
wail alone; a sob suppressed-again that short deep gasp,
and then the parting groan! Oh! change-oh, wondrous
change! burst are the prison bars! This moment there, so
low, so agonized ;—and now, beyond the stars! Oh! change
-stupendous change! There lies the soulless clod:- the sun
eternal breaks- the new immortal wakes-wakes with his
God!
"If I Had Only Spoke Him Fair at the Last."
There was a great colliery explosion in England. An hun-
dred men were killed, and their corpses lay at the mouth of
the coal mine for recognition. Wives were wringing their
hands and children were crying, and a wail of desolation filled
the air.
10
139
PATHOS
Sitting at the mouth by a pale corpse was a young wife.
She looked at her husband, but uttered no cry; her eyes were
dry. She rocked herself to and fro, her face white with
anguish.
"Oh, that I had spoken fair to him at the end!" she
moaned; "O, that he would come to life one minute that I
could say 'Jimmy, forgive me,' but nothing can help me now.
O, I could bear it all if I'd only spoken fair to him at the end ! "'
And then at last, the story came. They had been married a
year, she and Jim; and they both "had tempers," but Jim he
was always the first to make up. And this very morning they
had had trouble.
It began because breakfast wasn't ready, and the fire wouldn't
burn; and they had said hard words, both of them. But at
the very last, though breakfast had not been fit to eat, Jim had
turned round at the door, and said:
"Gi'e me a kiss, lass. You know you lova me, and we
won't part in ill-blood;" and she had been in her temper still
and answered :
"No, I don't know as I do love you," and had let him go,
with nevor a kiss and never a fair word; and now- And
there she stopped, and awful, tearless sobs shook he and the
4 :
visitor could only say:
"Do not grieve so hopelessly; perhaps he knows what you
feel now." But the mourner's ears were deaf to vil comfort,
and the wailing cry came again and again:
"Oh, if I had only spoke him fair at the last!”
It is not a common story, this. We quarrel with those we
love, and part, and meet and make up again; and death is
merciful, and wairs till we are at peace; yet how possible is
just such an experience to any one of us, who parts with some
dear one in anger, or who lets the sun go down upon wrath !
But it is always the noblest nature, the most loyal heart,
which is the first to cry, "I was wrong; forgive me."
M
WIT AND HUNKER.
140
The Effect of a Kind Word.
That was a delicate compliment given by a ragged little Irish
newsboy to the pretty girl who bought a paper of him. "Poor
little fellow," said she, "ain't you very cold?"
“I was, ma'am, before you passed,” he replied.
"Kissing Mother."
A father, talking to his careless daughter, said:
"I want to speak to you of your mother. It may be that
you have noticed a careworn look upon her face lately. Of
course, it has not been brought there by any act of yours, still
it is your duty to chase it away. I want you to get up to-mor
row morning and get breakfast; and when your mother comes,
and begins to express her surprise, go right up to her and kiss
her on the mouth. You can't imagine how it will brighten
her dear face.
George Peck.
"Besides, you owe her a kiss or two. Away back, when you
were a little girl, she kissed you when no one else was tempted
by your fever-tainted breath and swol en face. You were not
as attractive then as you are now. And through those years
of childish sunshine and shadows, she was always ready to
cure, by the magic of a mother's kiss, the little, dirty, chubby
hands whenever they were injured in those first skirmishes
with the rough old world.
"And then the midnight kiss with which she routed so many
bad dreams, as she leaned above your restless pillow, have all
been on interest these long, long years.
"Of course, she is not so pretty and kissable as you are;
but if you had done your share of work during the last ten
years, the contrast would not be so marked.
Her face has more wrinkles than yours, and yet if you
were sick, that face would appear far more beautiful than an
angel's as it hovered over vou, watching every opportunity to
FATHOS.
minister to your comfort, and every one of those wrinkles would
seem to be bright wavelets of sunshine chasing each other over
the dear face.
"She will leave you one of these days. These burdens, if
not lifted from her shoulders, will break her down. Those
rough, hard hands that have done so many necessary things ·
for you, will be crossed upon her lifeless breast.
"Those neglected lips, that gave you your first baby kiss,
will be forever closed, and those sad, tired eyes will have
opened in eternity, and then you will appreciate your mother;
but it will be too late."
Searching for Papa.
A lady in the street met a little girl between two and three
years old, evidently lost, and crying bitterly. The lady took
the baby's hand and asked where she was going.
"Down to find my papa," was the sobbing reply.
"What is your papa's name?" asked the lady.
"His name is papa.
""
46
'But what is his other name? What does you mamma call
him?'
""
"She calls him papa," persisted the little creature.
The lady tried to lead her along, "You had better come
with me.
I guess you came this way!"
66
'Yes, but I don't want to go back. I want to find my
papa," replied the little girl, crying afresh, as if her heart
would break.
"What do you want of your papa ?" asked the lady.
"I want to kiss him.
Just at this time a sister of the child who had been search-
ing for her, came along and took possession of the little run-
away. From inquiry it appeared that the little one's papa,
whom she was so earnestly seeking, had recently died, and she,
tired of waiting for him to come home, had gone out to find
Bias
WIT AND) HUMOR.
42
An Eloquent Reply.
"I have just heard one of the most eloquent remarks from
an unexpected source that I ever listened to," said Col. Charles
S. Spencer the other day. "I have been forwarding the case
of a poor, ignorant Irishwoman, whose hu hand, a smart and
pushing man, has abandoned her without means of support.
The case was a very plain one against him. Indeed, he had
absolutely no defence. The judge asked my client finally:
you any means of support whatever, madam?"
"Well, yer honor," she replied quietly; "I have three, to
tell the truth."
"Have
"Three!"
"Yis, sor."
"What are they?"
"Me two hands, yer honor," answered the poor creature,
"me good health, and me God!"
"Who are you
"I'm Jack."
Jack.
Lewis.
A year or more ago, as the foreman of one of the iron works
of this city was crossing the yard one day, he espied a little
skip of a boy, seemingly not over eleven years old, seated on
a big fly-wheel and chewing the end of bitter reflection.
?",
"What are you doing here?"
"Resting."
"What do you want?"
"A job."
Those were the questions and answers. The boy was pale and
ragged, but in his steel-blue eyes the foreman saw game. And,
too, the idea of a waif like him setting out to battle the world
touched a tender chord in the heart of the man who had boys
of his own, and he set Jack at work in the yard.
PATHOS.
No one thought the boy would stay a week, and no cared to
ask where he came from or who he was. But he stuck. He
was hard working and faithful, and, as the weeks went by, he
gained friends. One day he walked up to the foreman and
said:
"I want to learn the trade?
"You? Ha! ha! ha! Why, Jack, you are not big
enough to handle a cold-chisel."
"I can whip any 'prentice boy in this shop!" was the earn-
est declaration.
+
32
"Just hear him! Why, any of the lot could turn you wrong
side out! When you get big enough to whip the smallest one
you come to me for a job."
At noon that day Jack walked up to the biggest apprentice
boy in the shop and said:
"Come out doors."
ور
+
"What do you want?
"I'm going to lick you.”
"What for?"
"Because I want a chance to learn the trade."
The two went out, and, in sight of twenty witnesses, little
Jack won a victory. At 1 o'clock he touched his cap to the
foreman and said:
"I've licked your biggest 'prentice, and want to go to work!"
Ten minutes later he had become a machinist's apprentice,
and if you go in there today, you will find him with greasy
hands, oily face and a head full of business ideas. Jack carries
the keys to the drawers where the steam gauges, safety valves
and other trimmings are kept, and he knows the use of
every tool, the workings of every piece of machinery, and
there is a constant call for Jack here and Jack there. Before
he is twenty, he will be a finished machinist, and before he is
twenty-five, he will be foreman of some great shop. He is
quiet, earnest, respectful and observing. What he does is
well done. What he is told he never forgets.
WIT AND HUMOR.
And here in Detroit are hundreds of boys who complain
that there is no chance for them, even when backed by money
and influence. They wait and wait and whine and complain,
and leave it for waifs like little Jack to call up the game in
their souls, and walk boldly into a great manufacturing works
and say:
"I'm here- I want a job!
""
Eli Perkins' Baby Story
In the cabin of the steamer St. John, coming up the Hud-
son the other evening, sat a sad, serious-looking man, who
looked as if he might have been a clerk or bookkeeper. The
man seemed to be caring for a crying baby, and was doing
everything he could to still its sobs. As the child became rest-
less in the berth, the gentleman took it in his arms and carried
it to and fro in the cabin. The sobs of the child irritated a
rich man, who was trying to read, until he blurted out loud
enough for the father to licar:
"What does he want to disturb the whole cabin with that
baby for?"
6.6
Hush, baby, hush!" and then the man only nestled the
baby closer in his arms without saying a word. Then the baby
sobbed again.
"Where is the confounded mother that she don't stop its
noise?" continued the profane grumbler.
At this, the grief-stricken father came up to the man, and
with tears in his eyes, said: "I am sorry to disturb you, sir, but
my dear baby's mother is in her coffin down in the baggage-
I'm taking her back to her father in Albany, where we
used to live.”
room.
The hard-hearted inan buried his face in shame, but in a
moment, wilted by the terrible rebuke, he was by the side of
the grief-stricken father. They were both tending the baby.
145
PATHOS.
If I Should Die To-Night.
If I should die to-night
My friends would look upon my quiet face
Before they laid it in its resting place,
And deem that death had left it almost fair
And, laying snow-white flowers against my hair,
Would smooth it down with tearful tenderness,
And fold my hands with lingering caress-
Poor hands, so empty and so cold to-night!
If I should die to-night
My friends would call to mind with loving thought,
Some kindly deed my icy hands had wrought,
Some gentle word the frozen lips had said;
Errands on which the willing feet had sped;
The memory of my selfishness and pride,
My hasty words, would all be put aside;
And so I should be loved to-night.
If I should die to-night
Even hearts estranged would turn once more to me,
Recalling other days remorsefully,
The eyes that chill me with averted glance
Would look upon me as of yore, perchance,
And soften, in the old familiar way;
For who could war with dumb, unconscious clay?
So I might rest, forgiven of all, to-night.
Oh, friends, I pray to-night,
Keep not your kisses from my dead, cold brow;
The way is lonely, let me feel them now.
Think gently of me; I am travel-worn ;
My faltering feet are pierced with many a thorn;
Forgive, oh, hearts estranged, forgive, I plead!
When dreamless rest is mine, I shall not need
The tenderness for which I long to-night.
Heaven Help Them!
Five weeping children were left orphans the other day by
the death of their mother, a widow who lived on Prospect
street. The father was killed at one of the depots about two
years ago, and since then the mother had kept the family to-
WIT AND HUMOR,
748
gether by hard days' work. Lack of food, exposure, and
worry brought on an illness which terminated fatally, and the
children huddled together in a corner of the room feeling awed
and frightened, but yet unable to realize that death had made
them waifs. When the remains had been sent away to pot-
ter's field, a dozen women gathered and held a whispered
conversation:
"I'll take one of the poor things, though I've four children
of my own," said one of the women.
"And I'll take another."
22
"And I'll take one.
"And so will I.”
Then there was the baby-a toddling boy, who had been
rocked to sleep every night of his life, and whose big blue eyes
were full of tears as he shrank behind his sister to escape ob-
servation. As none of the poor women seemed prepared to
take so young a child, a girl not over ten years old, dressed a
little better than other children there, crept into the group,
reached out for the babe, patted his white head, kissed him,
and said:
"I will take this one! I have no brother, and ma and pa
will let me keep him. He can sleep in my trundle-bed, play
with my doll, and they may put all the Christmas presents into
his stocking!" and the girl ran around the corner and returned
with her mother, who sanctioned all she had said.
"Come,
bubby-you're mine now!" called the girl, and he laughed as
she put her arms around him and tried to lift him up.
By-and-by a woman said: "Children, you have neither
father, mother, nor home. You must be divided up or go to
the poor-house. Kiss each other, poor orphans, and all kiss
the baby!"
They put their arms around him, and hugged and kissed
him, and they went out from the old house to go in different.
directions, and perhaps never again to meet all together.
147
PATHOS.
Poe's Annabel Leo.
It was many and many a year ago, in a kingdom by the
Sea, that a maiden there lived, whom you may know by the
name of Annabel Lee; and this Maiden she lived with no
other thought, than to love, and be loved, by me! I was a
child, and she was a child, in this kingdom by the Sea; but
we loved with a love that was more than love,
I and my
Annabel Lee; with a love that the winged seraphs of heaven
coveted her and me! And this was the reason that, long ago,
in this kingdom by the Sea, a wind blew out of a cloud, chill-
ing my beautiful Annabel Lee; so that her high-born kinsmen
came and bore her away from me, to shut her up in a sepul-
chre -- in this kingdom by the Sea. The Angels, not half so
happy in heaven, went envying her and me; yes! that was the
reason (as all men know, in this kingdom by the Sea) that the
wind came out of the cloud by night, chilling and killing my
Annabel Lee. But our love it was stronger by far than the
love of those who are older than we of many far wiser than
we; and neither the Angels in heaven above, nor the De-
mons down under the sea, can ever dissever my soul from
the soul of the beautiful Annabel Lee! For the moon never
beams without bringing me dreams of the beautiful Annabel
Lee; and the stars never rise but I feel the bright eyes of the
beautiful Annabel Lee; and so, all the night tide, I lie down
by the side of my darling-my darling-my life and my
bride; in her sepulchre there by the Sea,-in her tomb by
the sounding Sea!
can ever dissever
66
Ap
m
Eli's Baby Story.
'Lillie, did you say your prayers last night?" asked a
fashionable mother of her sweet little girl who remained home
while the mother went to the Charity-Ball.
"Yes, mamma, I said 'em all alone.”
WIT AND HUMOR.
148
"But who did you say them to, Lillie, when your nurse was
out with me?"
66
Well, mamma, when I went to bed I looked around the
house for somebody to say my prayers to, and there wasn't
nobody in the house to say 'em to, and so I said 'em to God."
M. Quad's Pathos.
It surprised the shiners and newsboys around the postoffice
the other day to see "Limpy Tim" come among them in a
quiet way, and to hear him say :
"Boys, I want to sell my kit. Here's two brushes, a hull
box of blacking, a good stout box, and the outfit goes for two
shillin's!"
"Goin' away, Tim?" queried one.
Not 'zactly, boys, but I want a quarter the awfullest kind,
just now."
"Goin' on a 'scursion?" asked another.
"Not today, but I must have a quarter," he answered.
One of the lads passed over the change and took the kit, and
Tim walked straight to the counting-room of a daily paper, put
down his money, and said:
"I guess I kin write it if you'll give me a pencil."
With slow-moving fingers he wrote a death notice. It went
into the paper almost as he wrote it, but you might not have
seen it. He wrote:
Died - Litul Ted-of scarlet fever; aiged three yeres. Funeral
to-morrer, gon up to Hevin; left won bruther.
"Was it your brother?" asked the cashier.
Tim tried to brace up but he couldn't. The big tears came
up, his chin quivered, and he pointed to the notice on the
counter and gasped :
“I—I had to sell my kit to do it, b-- but he had his arms
aroun' my neck when he d-died!"
He hurried away home, but the news went to the boys, and
:
149
PATHOS.
{
they gathered in a group and talked. Tim had not been home
an hour before a barefooted boy left the kit on the doorstep,
and in the box was a bouquet of flowers, which had been
purchased in the market by pennies contributed by the crowd
of ragged, but big-hearted urchins. Did God ever make a
heart which would not respond if the right chord was touched?
A Texan's Rovings.
Eli Perkins.
Col. Albert C. Pelton, whose beautiful twenty-thousand-
acre ranche is out toward the Rio Grande, near Laredo, has
been the Peter the Hermit of the Texans for years. He has
believed that he held a divine commission to kill Apache
Indians. Col. Pelton came to Texas in 1844, a common sol-
dier. By talent and courage he rose to the rank of colonel,
and finally, in 1847, commanded Fort Macrae. That year he
fell in love with a beautiful Spanish girl at Alburquerque, N.
M. Her parents were wealthy, and would not consent to their
daughter's going away from all her friends to live in a garri-
The admiration of the young couple was mutual, and
parental objections only intensified the affection of the lovers.
The Spanish girl's nature is such that, once in love, she never
changes. Finally, after two years' entreaty and devotion, Col.
Pelton won the consent of the parents of the beautiful Span-
ish girl, and they were married and removed to Fort Macrae.
son.
Then commenced a honeymoon such as only lovers, shut up
in a beautiful flower-environed fort, can have. The lovely
character of the beautiful bride won the hearts of all the
soldiers of the fort, and she remained a queen among these
rough frontiersmen. One day, when the love of the soldier
and his lovely wife was at its height the two, accompanied
by the young wife's mother and twenty soldiers, rode out to
the hot springs, six miles from the fort, to take a bath. While
in the bath, which is near the Rio Grande, an Indian's arrow
passed over their heads. Then a shower of arrows fell around
+
WIT AND HUMOR.
150
them, and a band of wild Apache Indians rushed down upon
them, whooping and yelling like a band of demons. Several
of the soldiers fell dead, pierced with poisoned arrows. This
frightened the rest, who fled. Another shower of arrows.
and the beautiful bride and her mother fell in the water, pierced
by the cruel weapons of the Apache. With his wife dying
before his eyes, Col. Pelton leaped up the bank, grasped his
rifle, and killed the leader of the savage fiends. But the
Apaches were too much for the colonel.. Piced with two
poisoned arrows, he swam into the river a hid under an
over-hanging rock. After the savages had left, the colonel
swam the river and made his way back to Fort Macrae. Here
his wounds were dressed, and he finally recovered, but only to
live a blasted life without love, without hope; with a vision
of his beautiful wife, pierced with poisoned arrows, dying per-
petually before his eyes.
After the death of his wife a change came to Col. Pelton.
He seemed to think that he had a sacred mission from heaven
to avenge his young wife's death. He secured the most uner-
ring rifles, surrounded himself with brave companions, and
consecrated himself to the work of revenge. He was always
anxious to lead any and all expeditions against the Apaches.
Whenever any of the other Indians were at war with the
Apaches, Col. Pelton would soon be at the head of the former.
One day he would be at the head of his soldiers and the next
day he would be at the head of a band of Mexicans. Nothing
gave him pleasure but the sight of dead Apaches. He defied
the Indian arrows and courted death. Once, with a band of
the wildest desperadoes, he penetrated 100 miles into the
Apache country. The Apaches never dreamed that anything
but an entire regiment would dare to follow them to their
camp in the mountains. So when Col. Pelton swooped down
into their lodges with ten trusty followers, firing their Henry
rifles at the rate of twenty times a minute, the Apaches fled in
151
PATHOS.
consternation, leaving their women and children behind. It
was then that there darted out of a lodge a white woman.
"Spare the women!" she cried, and fainted to the ground.
When the colonel jumped from his saddle to lift up the
woman he found she was blind.
"How came you here, woman, with these damned Apaches?"
he asked.
"I was wounded and captured," she said, "ten years ago.
Take, oh, take me back again!”
"Have you any relations in Texas?" asked the colonel.
"No, my father lives in Albuquerque. My husband,
Colonel Pelton, and my mother were killed by the Indians."
"Great God, Bella! Is it you- my wife?"
Oh, Albert, I knew you would come!" exclaimed the
poor wife, blindly reaching her hands to clasp her husband.
Of course there was joy in the old ranche when Col. Pelton
got back with his wife. The Apaches had carried the wounded
woman away with them. The poison caused inflammation,
which finally destroyed her eyesight.
When I saw the colonel in his Texas ranche he was reading
a newspaper to his blind wife, while in her hand she held a
bouquet of fragrant Cape jessamines which he had gathered for
her. It was a picture of absolute happiness.
Oliver Wendell Holmes' Fathos.
C-o-m-e in! Well I declare stranger, you gave me quite a
turn! I-I—was kind of expectin' somebody, and for half a
minute I thought mebbe as 'twas her, but she'd never stop to
knock; want a bite and a sup and a night's lodging? Why,
of course; sit down, do. I-a-most forgot to ask
you, I
was that flustrated. Poor soul! how tired and worn-out you
look! I can make you comfortable for the night and give you
a good meal of victuals, and a shake-down on the floor, but I
would, s-c-a-r-c-e-l-y like to put you in Lizzie's room--she was
that particular, and your clothes are so wet and drabbled
!
WIT AND HUMOR.
152
Why, woman, what makes you shake so-ague? Never
heard tell of any in these parts. Guess you must have brought
it with you. Well, a good night's rest will set you up wonder-
fully, and you can lie right here by the stove, and the fire
a-smolderin' will keep you warm, and the light will be a-burn-
in' till it's broad day--broad day!
What do I keep the light a-burnin' for? Well, now, when
folks ask me that, sometimes I tells them one thing and some-
times I tells them another. I don't know as I mind tellin' you,
because you're such a poor, misfortunit creeture, and a stranger,
and my heart kind of goes out to such. You see, I have a
daughter. She's been away these ten years, has Lizzie, and
they do say as she's livin' in grandeur in some furrin' place,
and she's had her head turned with it all, for she never lets her
poor old mother hear from her, and the fine people she's with
coaxed her off unbeknownst to me, and I don't mind telling
you as it was a great shock to me, and I ain't the same woman
since Lizzie went out one night, and when she kissed me, said:
C:
"Leave a light in the window, mother, till I come back;"
and that was ten years ago, and I've never seen her since, but
I've burned a light in the window every night all these ten
years, and shall till she comes home.
Yes, it's hard to be a mother and be disappointed so. I
allowed she was dead till folks who had seen her well and
splendid told me different, and I was sick a long time—that's
what made my hair so white--but I hope she never heard of it;
'twould have her as miserable as I was, and her fine things
wouldn't have been much comfort to her! Folks blame her
terribly, but I'm her mother, and it just seems as if I could see
her; so pretty, with her long brown curls, and the smile she
had, and her gentle ways, and I loving her better than Heaven
above me! This is my punishment-to sit alone all day and
never to sleep at night, but I hear her crying "Mother!
mother! where are you!" and if I go once, I go a dozen times
to the door, and look up and down the lonesome road and call
153
PATHOS.
“L-i-z-z-i-e! L-i-z-z-i-e!" and there's never any answer but the
night-wind moaning in the trees!
Well, I didn't mean to make you feel bad; don't cry, poor
soul! You've had enough trouble of your own, I guess by
your looks! Your hands are like ice-and your temple and
your face is white and-and-why, what is this? You are not
old and your hair hangs in brown curls-and your eyes-Mer-
ciful God! it's Lizzie come back to her mother-it's my child
that was lost and is found-put out the light-put out the light
for the night is over and it's the clear broad day at last!
Blest they who seek,
While in their youth
With spirit meek,
The way of truth.
To them the sacred Scriptures now display
Christ as the only true and living way;
His precious blood on Calvary was given
To make them heirs of endless bliss in Heaven.
And e'en on earth the child of God can trace
The glorious blessings of his Saviour's grace.
For them he bore
His Father's frown;
For them he wore
The thorny Crown;
Nailed to the Cross,
Endured its pain,
That His life's loss
Might be their gain.
Then haste to choose
That better part,
Nor e'er dare refuse
The Lord thy heart,
Lest He declare,
"I know you not,"
And deep despair
Should be your lot.
Now look to Jesus who on Calvary died,
And trust in Him who there was crucified.
WIT AND HUMOR.
154
i.
Lost Children in New York.
"Lost child!"
That used to be the cry, but now, though there are a dozen
children lost every day in New York, the thing is so system-
atized that it is impossible for a child to be lost for any length
of time. The only thing is to know what to do to find it, and,
if you read three minutes longer, you will know all about it."
"How can we find a lost child?"
"The first thing you must do after the child is lost is to go
to Police Headquarters on Mulberry street, near Houston.
Away up in the fifth story of that marble-front building are
three rooms labeled 'Lost Children's Department.' This Lost
Child's Department was established in 1864. Here you will
see a dozen cozy cribs, cradles, and beds for the little lost
children and foundlings of the city. Yes, and sometimes for
old men and women, too-lost in their second childhood.
At the head of this department you will see the middle-aged
matron, Mrs. Ewing-a bright, systematic American woman.
"How do the lost children get here?”
"First, they are picked up by kind-hearted policemen, and
taken to their respective station-houses. Here they are kept
until seven p.m. Then the sergeant of police sends them with
a ticket to Mrs. Ewing, at Police Headquarters."
"What does Mrs. Ewing do with them?”
"She first enters the child's name on the book, gives it a
number; then writes its sex, age, color, by whoin found, where
found, precinct sent from, and time received. Then, after the
child is gone, she writes after its name how long it stayed and
what became of it."
"What becomes of the children sent here?"
'Every effort is made to find out where the child lives, who
its parents are, the father's profession, etc.; and if, at the end
of three days, nothing is heard from the parents or friends of
1
11
155
PATHOS.
;
the clud, it is sent by Inspector Dilks to No. 66 Third Ave-
nue, to the Superintendent of the Out-Door Poor,' for the
Department of Public Charities and Correction.'
}
"What then?
"Here, in the Charity and Correction Building, are some
nice rooms ket by a good woman by the name of Tuiney, and
the children are cared for till the old nurse named 'Charity'
takes them in a carriage to the foot of Twenty-sixth Street and
the East River, and accompanies them on the boat to the
Foundling Hospital on Randall's Island, where they stay at
school till they are claimed, bound out, or become old enough
to support themselves."
We have now followed the lost child from the time when
first lei, through the local station house, Police Headquarters,
and to Randall's Island. Now, we will return to the Police
Hoadquarters, and hear what Mrs. Ewing says about the babies.
How many children are lost per month?" I asked of the
atron.
"I had eight yesterday. From 400 to 500 pass through our
hands every mouth in summer, but in winter not so many.
Then, sometimes, we have old people, too."
"Do you have many old people!"
"No, only a few. Yesterday the police brought in a nice
old lady with white hair, who seemed to be all in confusion.
The sight of the police had frightened her," continued the
matron; "but as soon as I got her in here I gave her a nice
cup of tea, and commenced to find out where she lived."
"Who do you live with, grandma?" I asked, for she was
eighty years old.
She said she lived No. 700, but she didn't know the street.
Thon pretty soon she seemed to gain confidence in me, and
she took out a big roll of bank bills and a Third Avenue Sav-
ings Bank book.
"See," said the old lady, confidentially, "I went to get this,
66
WIT AND HUMOR.
106
:
and I got confused when I came out. I live on the same street
with the bank."
1
"And sure enough," said the matron, "when we looked in
the directory there we found her daughter's residence, No. 700
Third Avenue. When the police took the old lady home the
daughter was half crazy for fear her mother had been robbed."
"Do you have a good deal of trouble in finding out the resi
'dences of children?"
666
"Not very often. But sometimes the children stray across
the ferries from Jersey City and Brooklyn, and then there are
so many streets in Brooklyn and Jersey named after our streets,
that we are sorely puzzled.
2
"The other day, to illustrate, a pretty little German girl
was picked up down toward Fulton street. The only thing she
knew was that she lived corner of Warren' and Broadway, so
the police brought her up here. I sent her the next day to the
corner of Warren and Broadway, but there were nothing but
warehouses there, so we were very much puzzled. When the
little girl came back I thought her heart would break. The hot
tears rolled down her cheeks, and her face was hot with fever.
O, it was roasting hot! I was afraid she would be sick. So I
said:
Sissy, don't cry any more; lay down, and when you wake
up your papa will be here."
666
"O, will he come, sure, will he?' sobbed the little girl.
“Yes, my child,' I said, and then I put her in the crib.
She had a paper of peanuts and seventy cents in her pocket
which she said her mother gave her. These I put before her
on a chair, and the little thing soon fell asleep.
"About two o'clock in the morning," continued the matron,
"somebody knocked at the door. I got up and struck a light,
and as I opened it a man asked:
“Have you got a little lost girl here?'
"Yes, we've got three little girls here to-night,' I said.
157
ཀ:
PATHOS.
ย
ad
ور
"But have you got a little girl dressed in a little red hood
and a plaid shawl?'
"Yes; just such a one. Come in and see her.
"Then," continued the matron, "he came in. The light
shone on the little girl's face in the crib. In a second the
father had her out of it and in his arms.'
"How did you get over here, baby?' he cried, as he held
his rough beard against her face. But the little girl only
sobbed and clung to him all the more.”
"What was the child's mistake about the street?" I asked.
"Well, she lived corner of Broadway and Walton street.
Brooklyn, and she spoke Walton as if it were Warren."
A while ago a little boy, three and a half years old, living in
Passaic Village, New Jersey, strayed away from home. He wan-
dered to the railroad, and when he saw a car stop he thought
it would be a nice thing to take a ride. So he climbed up
the steps, got into the car and rode to Jersey City. When the
car stopped he wandered on to the ferryboat with the surging
crowd of passengers, and was soon at the foot of Courtland
street, in the great city of New York. Here he played around
a little while in high glee. By and by, as night came on, he
began to be hungry and to cry for his father and mother. So
a kind-hearted policeman picked him up, took him to the
station-house, and the sergeant sent him to Mrs. Ewing's, at
Police Headquarters.
As soon as little Johnny was missed at home, in Passaic,
the search commenced. Dinner came and no Johnny-then
the supper passed and the father and mother began to be fran
tic. They searched everywhere for two days and two nights.
The big foundry at Passaic was stopped, and one hundred men
scoured the country. Then as a last resort, his heart-broken
father came to New York. After putting an advertisement in
the Herald, he thought he would go to Police Headquarters.
Johnny was such a bright little boy that the matron had taken
""
WIT AND HUMOR.
158
him out shopping with her on Broadway when the father came,
so he sat down till her return to question her about lost
children.
66
Judge of his astonishment and joy, after fifteen minutes'
waiting, when Johnny came flat upon him with the matron.
Why, my little boy !" cried the father, "how did you get
here?" But Johnny was too full of joy to reply, and when his
father went off to the telegraph office to tell the glad news to
his mother, he cried till his father took him along too, and he
wouldn't let go his father's hand till he got clear back to Pas-
saic, for fear he would be lost again.
A while ago in Paterson a young man, by the name of
Taylor, pretended to love a young lady. His love was re-
turned-then came deceit and seduction. The girl had a
beautiful child, and although it was born in sorrow, she had
great love for it, for the cold-hearted world had deserted her:
women treated her with icy looks, and the baby was her only
hope.
One morning-it was the morning before the July riots-
on the 11th of July, about four o'clock in the morning, a
policeman found the babe, then eleven months old, on the cold
steps of a big brown stone house on West Thirty-third street.
It was taken to the station-house by a policeman, and then sent
to Mrs. Ewing, at Police Headquarters. Here it was kept for
two days, and then sent to Randall's Island.
!
The mother was frantic with remorse when she found her
child was abducted in Paterson, and as it was in Alice Bowlsby
times, suspicious eyes were turned toward Taylor, its father.
He was arrested. The Paterson Chief of Police came to New
York, found out that the child had gone to Randall's Island,
and that the Commissioners of Charity had adopted it out to
some rich people in Brooklyn. When this news was conveyed
to the unhappy mother she started "post haste" to see her
child in Brooklyn. With her heart throbbing with joy, she
rang the bell and passed in. Too happy to suppress her
159
PATHOS.
emotions, she showed her exuberance of spirits, and was just
going to laugh with joy when a woman came out of the room
crying.
"O! our baby is dead-she is dead!" cried the woman,
wringing her hands.
With all her joy turned to anguish, the real mother passed
into the death room, and there she saw her little baby, with
her eyes closed in death.
She had just died.
The meeting between these two mothers was affecting,
indeed. Together they told over the story of the little one,
and together they shed their tears of sympathy at her funeral.
Neither knew which loved her the most!
"Do you ever have any rich people's children nere?" I asked
the matron.
"Yes, frequently. They get lost, shopping with their
mothers on Broadway, and the Broadway police have orders
not to take the lost children which they find to the station-
house, but bring them directly here. And here their fathers
and mothers frequently come after them.'
""
"What other children get cared for here?" I asked.
"Well, the little Italian harp boys frequently come here
with the police to stay over night, but after they get a nice
warm breakfast, they suddenly remember where they live, and
we let them go. They are very cute, they are?"
The intelligent matron talked on for an hour, giving me a
hundred pathetic and funny instances of child-losing in the
great city—but you have already read enough.
George Alfred Townsend's Story.
It was not long ago that a gentleman said to me- he was
in wine "Johnny, I will take your best bouquet that big
one on a tray, fit to be the bridal bed of Evo-if you will carry
it to this address,”
Magny ante. P
S
WIT AND HUMOR,
"All right, boss," was my response, as I took his $10 bill,
and observed a rather devilish light in his eye, while he wrote
a name on a card. It was a beam of the light that shone in the
eye of Cain as the discriminating flame of heaven shot past
his offering and blazed on Abel's altar. However, I wasn't
particular about what was going on in his mind, and he slipped
the card in the bouquet, and I started off to deliver it. Stop-
ping close by to change my note and eat a bit of lunch, a good
many people gathered near the great prize bouquet and began
to talk about it and to smell it, and so, whether some jealous
rival stole that card, or whether I had dropped it on the street
the card was missing when I took up that great salver of
flowers again.
I hastened back to the place where I had met the gentleman.
He had gone away in a carriage. I told my trouble to the
hotel clerk, the genial Gillis, and he said, "Pshaw! take it to
his wife. He is no sporting man.'
ور
Now, that gentleman I knew, by an accident of passing his
house, and I had often admired the inflexible, the solitary, the
lofty and self-reliant quality in him. He was kind to his
inferiors, manly to his equals, haughty to his superiors. About
once or twice a year he showed liquor in his eyes as if Cain
had bred on Abel's stock, and a little liquor brought out the
consanguinity. I said to myself, "These flowers will wither
for which I have been paid. I believe he meant to send them
to his wife, and I will take them."
I rang the door-bell of his house and asked for the lady.
Shown into the parlor I saw my buyer's picture over the
mantel. The house was not expensively furnished, but looked
like the abode of perseverance in some moderately compensat-
ing profession and slow but gaining conquest on half fortune.
A lady entered the parlor and beheld the flowers. She turned
to me and said : "Who are these for?"
"For you, madam."
161
PATHOS.
"For me?" Her face flushed.
flowers to me?"
I saw I was in for it somewhere, and there was no safety but
in consistent lying. "Your husband sent them, Mrs.
99
"Who has dared to se
66
I had heard his name, and felt that this was his wife.
"My husband?" Her voice faltered. "How came he to
send me flowers? Have you not made a mistake?’
"No, madam. He has never bought flowers from me be-
fore. He is not a customer of gallantry. There is no mistake
about it."
ور
She seemed all fluttered, like a widow told that her husband
has returned to life. Looking now at the flowers, again at his
portrait, her eyes,dilated, her temples flushed. She walked to
me like a woman of authority and under some high mental
excitement. Looking into my eyes she said:
"What did my husband say?"
6
"He said, madam, I have not made a present to my dear
wife for years. Business and care have arisen between us.
Take her these flowers that their blossoms may dispel the win-
ter from our hearts and make us young again." "
She turned to the bouquet and rained her tears upon it. An
orange bud she took, all blinded so, and hid it in her bosom.
She sank upon her knees, and laid her head among the flowers.
to let their coolness refresh her parched, neglected heart, and
sobbed the joy of love and confidence again. I stole away like
a citizen of the world.
As I went up the street and stopped at the same hotel, the
husband was there. "Johnny," said he, "did you deliver the
bouquet?"
"Yes, I took it to your wife." "To my wife?"
"Yes, boss, you are too good a man to wander as you wished
to go. Go home. The ice is broken. Your wife is full of
gratitude. Saved by a mistake, embrace the blessed opening
made for both of you; plant those rich blossoms on the grave
of estrangement, and in the words of the great good book,
'cling to the wife of thy youth.""
!!
WIT AND HUMOR
162
"
He staggered a moment, looked as if he ought to knock me
down, and rushed from the place.
Next day I met her upon his arm.
66
Johnny," he said, "bring her as big a bouquet every week,
and save one scarlet rose for me!"
66
Eli Porkins' Hero.
Captain Mason used to be a drinker and a fighter himself
like the other Hickory Bayou boys," said Col. Baker, the
Chairman of the Cairo (Ill.) Lecture Association. "He's
joined the church now, but he always takes care of every
drunken man he sees. See, he's putting Whiskey Bill into
his wagon now.”
66
"But why does he interest himself so for Whiskey Bill?"
I asked.
Well, as I was saying, the Captain used to be a drinker
and a fighter himself. He was sentenced to be shot once in
the army for fighting. He struck an officer- got on a drunken
frolic, and
""
"How did the Captain escape?" I asked.
"Well," said the Colonel, "Mason, with a dozen fellows
from the Hickory Bayou, enlisted in my regiment. He was
a splendid soldier,- always ready for battle, one of the best
men in the regiment, but he would have his sprees. One day,
about three weeks before the battle of Mission Ridge, Mason
brought a canteen of whiskey into camp, and, always generous,
went to giving it to the boys. This was against orders; so I
ordered my Major to arrest him and put him in the guard-
house. Mason found out that the Major was after him with a
squad of men, and, full of deviltry, he commenced dodging
around behind the tents to keep from being arrested. But
pretty quick in trying to keep away from the men he ran square
against the Major.
163
PATHOS.
:
"Here, you rascal!' said the Major, seizing him by the
coat-collar, without giving him a chance to explain, 'Now you
walk to the guard-house! I'll fix you, you scoundrel !
>
"But, in the excitement of the moment, Mason knocked the
Major flat, and then he went and gave himself up.'
""
"What was done about it?" I asked.
(6
Well, Mason was tried before a court-martial for striking
a superior officer, sentenced to be shot, and the sentence was
sent to Gen. Jeff C. Davis to be approved. Then poor Mason
was imprisoned on bread and water, with a ball and chain to
each foot."
“Did Gen. Davis approve the sentence?"
"Yes, he approved it."
"But how did Mason escape being shot?"
(6
'Well, the next day, before the approved sentence arrived,
came the battle of Mission Ridge, and our regiment was
ordered forward. Mason, of course, was in the rear, under
guard, with a ball chained to his ankles. We heard the Rebel
cannon in front all the forenoon; we knew there was a big
battle on, and we needed all our men. So I rode over to the
guard-house and told Mason that we would have to leave him
behind alone with his ball and chain on till the battle was
over.
"Let me go with the boys, Colonel !' pleaded Mason; '1
don't want to see the boys in a fight without me.'
"But you might escape, Mason. You know there is a sen-
tence hanging over you.'
"By heavens, Colonel! you ain't going to let the boys go
into this fight without me !' and the tears came to his eyes.
"Got to, Mason,' I said. 'I can't trust you.'
“Then,” continued the narrator, "the order came from Gen.
Davis for our regiment to move up and charge a Rebel redoubt,
and the boys dashed forward. It was an awful sight! Twice
they enfiladed us, and the Rebel bullets mowed down our men
by dozens, while the Rebel flag still waved on the redoubt.
WIT AND HUMOR.
164
"Colonel, you must capture that redoubt!' was the order
that came from Gen. Davis.
"Our men were now badly tired out, and the dead and
wounded lay all around us; but I got our men together, and
made the final charge. Gods! what a charge! My horse was
killed under me. The men went forward in a shower of bul-
lets. I thought they were going straight for that flag; then
all at once they wavered. The bullets flew like rain, and the
advance men were all shot down. There was no cne to lead,
and I thought all was lost. Just then I saw a man come rush-
ing up from the rear. He grabbed a dead soldier's repeating-
rifle, pushed right through the dead and dying, reached the
head, and pushed up the redoubt. The boys saw him, took
courage, and followed. In a moment I saw the brave fellow
swing his rifle around him on the top of the redoubt, grasp the
flag-staff and break it off, while the boys struggled up the side
and emptied their guns into the retreating Rebels.
"The day was ours! As I came up I shouted:
“Who took the flag, boys?'
"It was Mason!' said the boys; and, looking down, I saw
a broken chain and a shackle still on his ankle.'
""
Then the narrator's voice choked him, and the tears cam
into his eyes.
"I couldn't help it, Colonel,' said Mason, 'I couldn't see
the boys fighting alone; so I got the ax and pounded off the
ball and chain, and now, Colonel, I'll go back and put 'em on
again.'
"Go back and put them on again!' I almost cried. 'No,
sir! Mason, I'll put them on myself first.' Then," said the
Colonel, "I reflected that this wasn't military, and I told the
brave fellow to stay with two of the boys.
t
!
"That night," continued the Colonel, “I wrote over to Gen.
Davis about Mason's bravery; how he captured the rebel flag
and led the regiment to victory; in fact, saved the battle; and
begged him if he had not approved Mason's sentence of death,
&
FATHOS.
to send it back to the court unapproved. In an hour the
messenger came back with the papers. The sentence had been
approved before the battle, but Gen. Davis took his pen and
wrote across the bottom :
"The findings of the court disapproved, private Thomas
Mason, for distinguished bravery in capturing a rebel flag,
promoted to a second lieutenancy.'
999
"What did Mason say when you told him about his promo-
tion?" I asked.
"Well," said the Colonel, "I read him the death sentence,
and its approval first. Mason sank down, his face fell on his
arm, and I heard a deep groan. Then he said, as his eyes
filled with tears:
"Well, Colonel, it is hard, but I can stand it if any one can.'
"But here is another clause, Mason,' I said. 'On account
of your splendid bravery yesterday, you have been promoted
to a second lieutenancy.'
"What me? Colonel, me?!
"Yes, Lieut. Mason, you!'
"Thank God!' burst out, and the bravest man in the
Northern army stepped into his tent to send a streak of sun-
light to cheer up his broken-hearted mother.”
"And that's the man who just lifted Whisky Bill into his
wagon?'
: 1
"Yes, sir, that's the man, and he's brave enough to do any-
or from pulling down a rebel flag to leading a drunken
of a saloon.”
Beech
to Moody on Children.
"Henry Ward Beecher learned much from children," said
Mr. Moody, "and so can we all. One day, a sweet little girl
whose father had become quite worldly and given up family
prayers, climbed into her father's lap and said, tearfully:-
'Papa-dear Papa, is God dead?'
'No, my child; why do you ask that?"
'Cause, Papa, you never talk to him any more as you used
to do.'
These pathetic words haunted him until he was reclaimed.”.
Gough's Druggist Story.
166
A long, lean, gaunt Yankee entered a drug-store and asked:
"Be you the drugger?"
"Well; I s'pose so; I sell drugs."
"Wall, hev you got any of this here scentin' stuff as the
gals put on their handke'chers?'
""
"Oh, yes.”
Wall, our Sal's gine to be married, and she gin me a nine-
pence, and told me to invest the hull 'mount in scentin' stuff,
so's to make her sweet, if I could find some to suit; so, if
you've a mind I'll jest smell 'round."
The Yankee smelled round without being suited until the
"drugger" got tired of him; and taking down a bottle of
hartshorn, said:
"I've got a scentin' stuff that will suit you. A single drop
on a hanke'cher will stay for weeks, and you can't wash it
out; but to get the strength of it you must take a good big
smell."
66
"Is that so, Mister? Wall, just hold on a minute tiil I
get my breath; and when I say neow you put it under my
smeller."
The hartshorn of course knocked the Yankee down, as liquor
has done many a man. Do you suppose he got up and smelt
again, as the drunkard does? Not he; but rolling up his
sleeves and doubling up his fists, he said:
"You made me smell that tarnal evcrlastin' ff, Mister,
and now I'll make you smell fire and brimstone."

1
DRUGS
Hy
ohur⋅
bu
DIN SI
"You made me smell that tarnal everlastin' stuff, mister, and now I'l
make you smell fire and brimstone." (See page 166.)
THE WIT OF TRUTH.
How a Startling Truth Will Produce Laughter.
A boor is a man who talks so much about himself, that you
can't talk about yourself.
The Wit of Truth.
Melville D. Landon, A.M.
We always laugh at great exaggerations, but, strange to say,
we also sometimes laugh at a great truth. Truth is often
stranger than fiction. A wonderfully true statement at first
sounds like a big lie, then, as we reflect upon it, the idea dawns
upon us that it is a truth. This discovery produces laughter.
This producing laughter with great truths has always been my
great trouble. I have generally told such great, strange truths,
that the people would laugh because they thought they were
lies. So I have got the reputation of being a worldly minded
humorist, when, in fact, I am a great truth-teller. To illustrate:
One night I was telling about the big trees in California. I
said I rode into a tree, a big hollow tree, on horse-back, and
then walked out at the knot-holes. The people laughed because
they thought it was a lie, when, in fact, it was the truth. The
trees are thirty-five feet in diameter, and the hole through
thom is twelve feet in diameter-as wide through as a barn-
door
There was pure wit in this truthful reply of the Irishman:
"Pat," I said, "how would you like to be buried in a
Protestant graveyard?"
F
"Faith, Mr. Perkins, an' I'd die first.
LOS
WIT AND HUMOR.
"
•
The wit of the old Greek philosophers, Solon, Socrates and
Aristippus, consisted in proving a big lie by the sophistry of a
syllogism, or else in stating a startling truth. Many of the
truthful sayings of the wise men of Greece have been repro-
duced by Josh Billings, and, clothed in the ignorant frame
of bad spelling, the wisdom of them is doubly startling and
laugh-provoking. To illustrate the old Greek wits, I have
translated a little dialogue from schines:
"How are educated men superior to uneducated men?"
was asked of Aristippus, the pupil of Socrates.
"Just as broken horses are superior to those that are un
broken," was the answer.
Why is it better to be poor than ignorant?" continued the
questioner.
"Because the poorest beggar can beg money and get it, but
the fool can beg for brains and never get them," answered
Aristippus.
66
How a Greek Boaster was Squelched by the Truth.
In those days, the 99th Olympiad, when Dionysius was king,
Athenian society was made up of two classes, the philosopher
who followed Plato and Socrates, and the handsome athletes
who were proud, not of their brains, but of their physical
strength.
One day Clinos, a very handsome athlete but a great boaster,
met a group of philosophers and began boasting about his
muscle:
"I tell you," said the boasting Clinos, "I can swim farther
than any man in Athens.”
"And so can a goose," said Aristippus.
"Yes, and I can dive deeper than any man in Greece.
"And so can a bull-frog," said Diogenes.
"And more than that," continued Clinos, getting red in the
face, "I can kick higher than any man in Athens, and-"
""
(
THE WIT OF TRUTH.
160
3
"And so can a jackass," interrupted Æschines.
"And more than all these, everybody says that I am the
handsomest man in Athens."
"And so is a brass statue--a hollow brass statue, and it
has neither life nor brains," said Aristippus: Eschines' Jokes,
translated by Melville D. Landon A.M. (Eli Perkins).
Josh Billings' Witty Wisdom.
The trouble with some people who brag of their ancestry is
in their great descent.
I thank God for allowing fools to live, that wise men may
get a living out of them.
If a fellow gets to going down hill, it seems as if everything
were greased for the occasion.
Wealth won't make a man virtuous, but that there ain't any
body who wants to be poor just for the purpose of being good
If you want to keep a mule in a pasture turn him into an
adjacent meadow and he'll jump in.
I've known a mule to be good for six months just to get a
chance to kick somebody.
Men should not boast so much; a little hornet if he feels
well can break up a whole camp meeting.
"The man who has a thousand friends,
Has not a friend to spare ;
But he who has one enemy,
Will meet him everywhere.”
Burdette on the Life of Man.
Man, born of woman, is of few days and no teeth. And,
indeed, it would be money in his pocket sometimes if he had
less of either. As for his days, he wasteth one-third of them,
12
170
WIT AND HUMOR,
and as for his teeth, he has convulsions when he cuts them,
and as the last one comes through, lo, the dentist is twisting
the first one out, and the last end of that man's jaw is worse
than the first, being full of porcelain and a roof-plate built to
hold blackberry seeds.
Stone bruises line his pathway to manhood; his father boxes
his ears at home, the big boys cuff him in the playground,
and the teacher whips him in the schoolroom. He buyeth
Northwestern at 110, when he hath sold short at 96, and his
neighbor unloadeth upon him fron Mountaia at 63, and it
straightway breaketh down to 521. He riseth early and sitteth
up late that he may fill his barns and storehouses, and lol his
children's lawyers divide the spoil among themselves and say
"Ha, ha!" He growleth and is sore distressed because it
raïneth, and he beateth upon his breast and sayeth, "My crop
is lost!" because it raiueth not. The late rains blight his
wheat and the frost biteth his peaches. If it be so that the
sun shineth, even among the nineties, he sayeth, "Woe is me,
for I perish," and if the northwest wind sigheth down in forty-
two below he crieth, "Would I were dead!" If he wear sack-
cloth and blue jeans men say "He is a tramp," and if he
goeth forth shaven and clad in purple and fine linen all the
people cry. "Shoot the dude!"
He carryeth insurance for twenty-five years, until he hath
paid thrice over for all his goods, and then he letteth his policy
lapse one day, and that same night fire destroyeth his store.
He buildeth him a house in Jersey, and his first born is
devoured by mosquitoes; he pitcheth his tents in New York,
and tramps devour his substance. He moveth to Kansas, and
a cyclone carryeth his house away over into Missouri, while a
prairie fire and ten inillion acres of grasshoppers fight for his
crop. He settleth himself in Kentucky, and is shot the next
day by a gentleman, a Colonel and a statesman, "because, sah,
ho resembles, sah, a man, sah, he did not like, sah." Verily,
THE WIT OF TRUTH.
171
there is no rest for the sole of his foot, and if he had it to do
over again.he would not be born at all, for "the day of death
is better than the day of one's birth."
* *
*
Mirth is natural; it is pure; it is strictly honest. There can
be no true ripple of laughter at another's expense. The prac-
tical joker is vulgar and mean-souled. His jest is hollow, and
only echoes the pain of sorrow of his victim. Vast, indeed, is
the difference between low, coarse ribaldry and the sparkling,
genuine cadences of human glee.
**
X
A clergyman told an Indian he should love his enemies.
"I do," said the latter, "for I love rum and whisky and
tobacco."
Truth Stranger than Fiction.
The New York newspapers actually gave an account of a
man attending his own funeral. It was a true account too.
Pat Burke was in a sinash-up on the New York Central, and
was supposed to be killed His wife even recognized his
remains among the killed. The remains were brought home
and a wake was had. Then Mrs. Burke accompanied by the
funeral cortege and the corpse started for the grave yard.
After the procession had left the house, Pat appeared.
"Where's me wife?" said Pat, "spake quickly!"
ور
"She's gone to yer funeral, sure.'
"Moy funeral? Bedad, an' oi'm not dead yet!”
"Not dead? Sure now, Pat, yer foolin'!"
"Foolin'? What do you mane, woman? An't oi here
now?"
"Arrah, Pat, jewel! you know yer dead. Sure and wasn't
at yer wake meself!"
I
"Then, where's me corpse?"
172
WIT AND HUMOR.
"Gone to the burying, amock, an' yer poor wife is with it
wapin' her eyes out."
(6
Begorra, she'd better be wapin' her eyes out over me dead
corpse, than be batin' the life out of me live corpse wid a
broomstick!" said Pat, as he lighted his pipe.
The Two Virtues.-A Fable and a Poem.
Ivan Tourgines.
One day it occurred to the good God to give a party in his
palace of azure. All the virtues were invited, but the virtues
only, and, in consequence, there were no gentlemen among
the guests.
Very many virtues, both great and little, accepted the invi
tation. The little virtues proved to be more agreeable and
more courteous than the great ones. However, they all
seemed thoroughly happy, and conversed pleasantly with one
another, as people who are well acquainted, and indeed some-
what related, ought to do.
But suddenly the good God noticed two fair ladies who
appeared not to know each other. So he took one of the
ladies by the hand and led her toward the other.
"Benevolence," said he, indicating the first, "Gratitude,'
turning to the other.
The two virtues were unutterably astonished. For since the
world began, and that was a great while ago, they had never
met before.
*
The Truth All Around.
HER VERSION.
"Who is Ned?" Why, I thought that you knew
We once were engaged for a year!
Oh, but that was before I knew you—
That was ages ago, my dear.
"Over cordial !" Now Hubby for shame!
Such nonsense! Yes, that was his wife-
99
EL. O. W
THE WIT OF TRUTH.
173
Demure little thing and so tame-
Men do make such blunders in life.
Ned was such a good-hearted fellow
"Devoted!" of course he was then!
Oh, you need not frown and turn yellow,
I could have had a dozen men.
One thing I will say, however,
He's unhappy, that I can see;
Poor fellow! he probably never
Quite conquered his passion for me.
"Too poor!" yes, but proud as a lord—
When you came Well, you know the rest
Dear, you said you would take me abroad;
Yes, of course, I loved you the best!
M
Ang
Bag
HIS VERSION.
Ned, who is that overdressed lady
You greeted so warmly today?
What is it you're keeping so shady?
What is she to you, anyway?
"That lady?" -the wife of a banker ·
(Thought her toilet remarkably fine);
By the way, you ought to thank her,
She was once an old flame of mine.
¿
offered my "congratulation,"
Nothing more to tell you the truth
Our affair — mere infatuation,
HON.
In the days of my callow youth.
Was she fond of me?" Well, she said so;
66
"Did I love her?" We spooned for a year;
"Why didn't we marry?" Why, you know,
I met you, and loved you, my dear.
Of course, we all knew that he bought her--
Youth and beauty exchanged for pelf!
What? "If you weren't a rich man's daughter**
My dear! I loved you for yourself!
THE TRUTH ABOUT IT.
"Twas the old, old story repeated;
Two young hearts that once beat as one:
Their twin aspirations defeated;
174
WIT AND HUMOR.
5
Two young lives forever undone.
You think so? You're sadly mistaken!
They each had a something to sell.
Each fancies the other forsaken,
DAN A
And both, yes, they both "Married Well!"
Uncle Consider's Truthful Remarks.
Eli Perkins.
One day I asked Uncle Consider what he thought of a miser.
Said he: "Eli, a stingy man is to be pitied. He is simply
a policeman to guard his own money. He lives poor to die
rich, and dines off of crackers and cheese to give sweetbreads
and champagne to his heirs. He serves his master Avarice to
lose his own soul, better than you Christians serve God to save
it. He worships Mammon and wears out his knees bowing to
the God of this world and refuses to take a decent suit of
clothes or an opera-ticket for his trouble."
In selecting your companions, Eli, continued my Uncle, it
is better to associate with nice people. If you know nice peo-
ple is easy enough to descend in the scale. If you begin with
the lowest you can't ascend. In the grand theater of human
life-a box ticket takes you through the house.
When I asked my Uncle, one day, what became of hypo-
crites, he said:
Why hypocrites go to Hell by the road to Heaven. They
run every toll-gate on the Heavenly road but the last one-and
there Death is the gate-keeper, and he demands their souls to
pay for the stolen tolls.
When I asked him what eventually became of all the thor
oughly wicked and depraved, he thought a moment, and said:
"They all practice law a little while and then they even
tually go to the legislature."
True Sayings.
A mother down east was so kind that she gave her child
chloroform before she whipped it.
THE WIT OF TRUTH,
175
Free speech is the brain of the Republic.
* *
!
į
No bird is actually on the wing. Wings are on the bird.
* *
*
A blow from a parent leaves a scar on the soul of the child.
* *
X
Whiskey is the son of villainies, the father of all crimes, the
mother of all abominations, the devil's best friend, and God's
worst enemy.
**
I know a young man who attends church regularly, and
clasps his hands so tight during prayer time, that he can't get
them open when the contribution box comes around.
Laughter.
Eli Perkins.
Laughter has often dissipated disease and preserved life by
a sudden effort of nature. We are told that the great Erasmus
laughed so heartily at a satirical remark that he broke a tumor
and recovered his health. In a singular treatise on laughter,
Joubert gives two similar instances. A patient being very low,
the physician, who had ordered a dose of rhubarb, counter-
manded the medicine, which was left on the table. A monkey
in the room, jumping up, discovered the goblet, and, having
tasted, made a terrible grimace. Again, putting only is
tongue to it, he perceived some sweetness of the dissolved
manna, while the rhubarb had sunk to the bottom. Thus
emboldened, he swallowed the whole, but found it such a
nauseous poison that, after many strange and fantastic gri-
maces, he grinded his teeth in agony, and in a violent fury
threw the goblet on the floor. The whole affair was so ludi-
crous that the sick man burst into repeated peals of laughter,
and the recovery of cheerfulness led to health.
{
176
1
WIT AND HUMOR.
A
John Brougham on Gambling.
I am not about to defend gambling, but to prove that all the
world are gamblers.
The most reckless; mbler of all is the legislator, who spec
ulates on human interest, and often stakes national prosperity
against some petty interest.
Life itself is a game of chance. The very axiom, "Nothing
is certain," disproves even the certainty of nothing being cer-
tain. The very machinery of the firmament is a sublime
game of billiards, in which the stars are the balls, and the
cues the centrifugal and centripetal forces.
Every dinner is a game of chance -- it may choke you on
the spot, or else you may never live to digest it. What mat-
ters it if a man be killed by an active mad bull or a bit of
passive beef?
But gambling reaches its climax in marriage. Rouge et
noir is never so dangerous as when they represent the cheeks
and eyes of beauty. Marriage is dipping in the lucky bag in
which, out of a hundred, ninety-nine are snakes to one eel.
Even agriculture is gambling; it is risking one potato in
cnat great faro bank (the earth) to gain a bushel. Grains of
wheat are dice, and the farmer who reaps a good harvest is an
enormous gambler.
Commerce comes under the same penalty--every mercantile
firm is illegal, whether it gains or loses.
Even the drama is a gambler. What manager can be sure
that his new tragedy may not be a broad farce, and kill half
the audience with laughter?
On Whipping Children.
19
If there is one of you here, said Col. Ingersoll, who ever ex-
pect to whip your child again, let me ask you something.
Have your photograph taken at the time, and let it show your
THE WIT OF TRUTH,
177
face red with vulgar anger, and the face of the little one with
eyes swimming in tears. If that little child should die, I can-
not think of a sweeter way to spend an autumn afternoon than
to take that photograph and go to the cemetery, where the
maples are clad in tender gold, and when little scarlet runners
are coming, like poems of regret, from the sad heart of the
earth; and sit down upon that mound, I look upon that
photograph, and think of the flesh, made dust, that you beat.
Just think of it. I could not bear to die in the arms of a
child that I had whipped. I could not bear to feel upon my
lips, when they are withering beneath the touch of death, the
kiss of one that I had struck.
Stanley Huntley's Story of Affection.
Husband (traveling).-Scene I-Room in hotel. Spittoon
rull of cigar stumps. Bourbon whisky. All hands equipped
for a night's spree. Husband in a hurry to be off, writing
hone:
DEAREST SUSIE: My time is so occupied with business that
I can hardly spare a moment to write to you. Oh ! darling,
how I miss you! and the only thing that sustains me during
my absence is the thought that every moment thus spent is for
the benefit of my dear wife and children. Take good care of
yourself, my dear. Feed the baby on one cow's milk. Ex-
cuse haste, etc.
Wife (at home).-Scene II-Parlor. All the gas lit. Thir
teen grass-widows; Fred, from around the corner, with his
violin; Jim from across the way, with his banjo; Jack, from
above, with his guitar; Sam, from below, with his flute; lots
of other fellows, with their instruments. Dancing and sing-
ing; sideboard covered with nuts, fruits, cake, cream, wine,
whisky, etc. Wife, in a hurry to dance, writing to her hus-
band:
DEAR HUBBY: How lonesome I feel in your absence! The
178
WIT AND HUMOR.
hours pass tediously. Nobody calls on me, and I am con
stantly thinking of the time when you will be home, and your
cheerful countenance light up the routine of every-day life.
My household duties keep me constantly employed. I am liv-
ing as economical as possible, knowing that your small income
will not admit of frivolous expense. But now, dear, I will say
good-bye, or I will be too late for the monthly concert of
prayer. In haste, yours, etc.
•
God Made us to Laugh.
God made us to laugh as well as to cry.
The laugh of a child will make the holiest day more sacred
still. Strike with hand of fire. O, weird musician, thy harp
strung with Apollo's golden hair! Fill the vast cathedral aisles
with symphonies sweet and dim, deft teacher of the organ
keys! Blow, bugler, blow until thy silver notes do touch and
kiss the moonlit waves, charming the wandering lovers on
the vine-clad hills; but know your sweetest strains are dis-
cords all compared with childhood's happy laugh—the laugh
that fills the eyes with light, and dimples every cheek with
joy. Oh, rippling river of laughter, thou art the blessed
boundary line between the beast and man, and every wayward
wave of time doth drown some fretful fiend of care
1
WIT OF EXAGGERATION.
Wonderful Stories and Awful Exaggerations.
Melville D. Landon, A.M.
Much of our wit is made up of pure Baron-Munchausen
exaggeration. The story teller exaggerates, the actor exag-
gerates, the writer exaggerates and the witty artist exaggerates.
Gil Blas, Gulliver's Travels, Don Quixote and the Tale of a
Tub are instances of pure imagination, pure fancy, pure
exaggeration. There is no special genius displayed in report-
ing a scene close to life. Dickens only becomes great when he
lets his imagination play in the speech of Buzfuz. Herein
differs the wit from the humorist, as will be seen in other
chapters of this book. The humorist is a faithful photographer.
He tells just what he hears and sees, while the wit lets his
imagination and fancy play. I believe the wit is as far beyond
the humorist as the ideal picture is beyond the humdrum
portrait. A witty sketch is as much beyond a humorous
sketch as Raffaelle's ideal, Sistine Madonna is beyond Rubens'
actual portrait of his fat wife. One is ideal, the other is real.
Any patient toiler can write humor, while it is only the man
with brain and imagination who can write wit
Many of the exaggerated stories in this chapter are instances
of pure wit, pure fancy and imagination.
t
Baron Munchausen's Best Stories
Baron Munchausen told in all two hundred large stories.
His two best are his wolf and church stories.
"Speaking of wolves," said the Baron, "I will tell you
how I managed these savage beasts in Russia. One day I was
179
180
WIT AND HUMOR.
walking along utterly defenseless, without gun or pistol, when
a frightful wolf rushed upon me so suddenly, and so close,
that I could do nothing but follow mechanical instinct, and
thrüst my fist into his open mouth. For safety's sake 1
pushed on and on, till my arm was fairly in up to the shoulder.
How should I disengage myself? I was not much pleased
with my awkward situation with a wolf face to face, our
ogling was not of the most pleasant kind. If I withdrew my
arm, then the animal would fly the more furiously upon me;
that I saw in his flaming eyes. What do you think I did!
Why I reached my arm through the wolf, laid hold of his tail,
turned him inside out like a glove, and flung him to the
ground, where I left 'im.
X
*
Y
Aggte
X
*
*
"At another time," continued the Baron, "when I was
riding along in a sledge, in the midst of a dreary Russian
forest I spied a terrible wol making after me, with all the
speed of ravenous winter hunger. He soon overtook me.
There was no possibility of escape. What do you think I
did? Why, I just laid myself down flat in the sledge, and let
my horse fly. But soon the wolf caught up, and leaping straight
over me, caught the horse in the rear and began instantly to
tear and devour the hind part of the poor animal, which ran the
faster for his pain and terror. Thus unnoticed and safe my-
self, I lifted my head slyly up, and with horror I beheld that
the wolf had ate his way into the horse's body; it was not
long before he had fairly forced himself into it, when I took
my advantage, and fell upon him with the butt end of my
whip. This unexpected attack in his rear frightened him so
much, that he leaped forward with all his might: the horse's
carcase dropped to the ground, but in his place the wolf was
in the harness, and I drove that wolf straight into St. Peters.
burgh!"
She
WIT
WIT OF EXAGGERATION.
181
Salvanus Cobb, Jr., on Long Range Shooting.
Nat. Willey did not like to give up beat when it came to
yarns of shooting; for Nat., in his youth and early manhood,
had been somewhat noted as a sportsman, both with the gun
and the fishing-rod. Born and reared in the shadows of the
White Mountains; nearly related to the unfortunate family
whose monument in the "Willy Notch" is the work of thou-
sands of sympathizers he had lived in the time when game
was plenty, both in wood and water.
On a certain autumnal evening Nat. sat in the spacious bar-
room of the Conway House, where a goodly company were
gathered around a great open fire of blazing logs, when the
conversation turned upon rifle shooting as compared with the
shot-gun; and those who advocated the rifle based their claims
for superiority partly on its longer range. And this led to
stories of long ranges; and the distances to which one or two
of those present had fired a rifle ball, with killing effect, was
wonderful. Nat. had listened, but had said nothing of his
own prowess. One man, from Virginia, told several marvel-
lous stories, one of which was to the effect that his father, who
had been one of the pioneers into Kentucky, had once owned
a rifle with which he had killed a deer at the distance of two
miles!
"I know it seems almost incredible," he said, in conclusion;
"but the ground was measured by a practiced surveyor, and
that was the sworn result.'
99.
A brief silence followed this, which was broken by Charley
Head, who said to Old Nat. :
"Look here, Uncle Nat., how about that rifle that General
Sam. Knox gave to you? If I don't forget, that could shoot
some."
66
You mean the one that I had to fire salted balls from,
eh ? "
❝ Yes. Tell us about it."
182
WIT AND HUMOR.
"Pshaw It don't matter. Let the old piece rest in its
glory."
And the old resident would have sat back out of the way,
but the story-tellers had become suddenly interested.
"Let us hear about it," pleaded the gentleman whose father
had been a compatriot with Daniel Boone. "Did I under-
stand you that you salted your bullets?"
66
Always," said Nat, seriously and emphatically.
"And wherefore, pray?"
"Because," answered the old mountaineer, with simple
honesty in look and tone, "that rifle killed at such a distance
that, otherwise, especially in warm weather, game would spoil
with age before I could reach it."
Burdette on the Missouri River.
The dust blows out of the Missouri River. It is the only
river in the world where the dust blows in great columns out
of the river bed. The catfish coine up to the surface to sneeze.
From the great wide-stretching sandbars on the Kansas shore.
great columns of dust and sand, about two thousand feet high,
come whirling and, sweeping across the river and hide the
town, and sweep through the train and make everything so
dry and gritty that a man can light a match on the roof of his
mouth. The Missouri River is composed of six parts of sand
and mud and four parts of water When the wind blows very
hard it dries the surface of the river and blows it away in
clouds of dust. It is just dreadful. The natural color of the
river is seal-brown, but when it rains for two or three days at a
time, and gets the river pretty wet, it changes to a heavy iron-
gray. A long rain will make the river so thin it can easily be
poured from one vessel into another, like a cocktail. When it
is ordinarily dry, however, it has to be stirred with a stick
before you can pour it out of anything. It has a current of
about twenty-nine miles an hour, and perhaps the largest
:
WIT OF EXAGGERATION.
183
acreage of sandbars to the square inch that was ever planted.
Steamboats run down the Missouri River. So do newspaper
correspondents. But if the river is not fair to look upon, there
is some of the grandest country on either side of it the sun
ever shone upon. How such a river came to run through such
a paradise is more than I can understand.
George Washington.
One day, in a fit of abstraction, the juvenile George cut
down Bushrod's favorite cherry tree with a hatchet. His pur-
pose was to cut
and run.
But the old gentleman came sailing round the corner of the
barn just as the future Father of his Country had started on
the retreat.
"Look here, sonny," thundered the stern old Virginian,
"who cut that tree down?"
George reflected a moment. There wasn't another boy or
another hatchet within fifteen miles. Besides, it occurred to
him that to be virtuous is to be happy. Just as Washington
senior turned to go in and get his horsewhip, our little hero
burst into tears, and, nestling among his father's coat-tails,
exclaimed, “Father, I cannot tell a lie. It must have been a
frost!"
Eli Perkins on Potato Bugs.
Uncle Hank Allen was perhaps the smoothest and most ac-
complished liar in central New York. There were other ordi-
nary country postoffice liars in the beautiful village of Eaton,
New York, where I was born, but Uncle Hank could lie like a
gifted metropolitan. Every night Uncle Hank's grocery was
filled with listening citizens, all paying the strictest attention
whenever the good old man spoke. When Charley Campbell
or John Whitney lied nobody paid much attention because they
184
WIT AND HUMOR
were clumsy workmen. Their lies would not hold water like
Uncle Hank's. Why the old man's lies were so smooth, so
artistic, that, while listening to them, you imagined you were
listening to Elder Cleveland's bible stories.
One day they were talking about potato bugs in Uncle
Hank's grocery:
my
"Talk about potato bugs," said Dr. Purdy, "why up in
garden there are twenty bugs on a stalk."
"Twenty bugs on a stalk! only twenty!" mused Charley
Campbell contemptuously; "why they ate up my first crop of
potatoes two weeks ago, and they are now sitting all around
the lot on trees and fences waiting for me to plant them over
again."
(6
Why you don't know anything about the ravenous nature
of them potater bugs!" exclaimed old Hank.
"You may
call me a liar, but I've had potater bugs walk right into my
kitchen and yank red-hot potaters right out of the oven!
Waiting around a potato patch for the second crop!' ex-
claimed old Hank with a sneer. 666
Waiting? Why gosh
blast your souls, I was up to Townsend's store yesterday and I
saw potater bugs up there looking over Townsend's books to
see who had bought seed potater for next year. I did, by
Gum!"
،
The whole grocery was still when Uncle Hank finished.
You could have heard a pin drop. Finally a long, lean man
from Woodman's Pond raised himself up. The stranger,
evidently a new comer and not acquainted with Mr. Allen,
pointed his long finger at Uncle Hank, and exclaimed with a
hiss:
"You are a liar!"
Uncle Hank looked over his glasses at the stranger long and
earnestly. Then holding out his hand he inquired with a
puzzled look:
"Where did you get acquainted with me?”
T
“You are a liar!" (See page 184.)
SELAY
PIRES
J.Lory...
O.Lang.
1

↓
13
185
WIT OF EXAGGERATION.
How the Yankee Amazed Them.
Eli Perkins.
A Yankee in Paris, who was listening to the boasts of a lot
of English and French artists about the wonderful genius of
their respective countrymen, at length broke out, saying:
"Oh, pshaw! Why we have an artist in Boston who can paint
a piece of cork so exactly like marble that the minute you
throw it into the water it will sink to the bottom just like a
stone."
"How won-deerful!" exclaimed the Frenchman.
"O not very wonderful. We have more wonderful things
than that over there," said the Yankee.
"Tell us about some of ze won-deer-ful things!" said the
Frenchman.
"Well, one day, gentlemen, I was crossing the Rocky
mountains, when I found a petrified forest. The trees were
turned into solid stone. As I loitered on the edge a deer
started across the valley and was transformed in a moment into
solid stone. A bird flew past me, and, perching on a tree,
began to sing. Suddenly the bird was changed to stone. The
song she was singing was also petrified, hanging down from
the beak of the bird-cold, cold stone."
"Won-deer-ful!" exclaimed the Frenchman.
"But I have seen more wonderful things in England than
that," said the Englishman.
"What?" asked the Yankee.
"Why I saw a man swim from Liverpool clear to Queens
town."
"Swim !" exclaimed the Frenchman. "You see him
swim?"
"Yes, sir; I saw him. The man swam right alongside my
boat. Sometimes he would swim ahead of the boat. Then a
storm would come up and the boat would catch up with him.
But we came into Queenstown harbor side by side."
WIT AND HUMOR.
180
“Would you know that man if you should see him?” asked
the Yankee.
•
"Yes, I think I should. He was about your size.”
Well," said the Yankee standing up, "I am that very
man. I'm awful glad you saw me do it, for a good many
people in England will doubt the story, and I want to use you
as a witness."
""
Adler on Wonderful Shooting.
They had been talking about the remarkable performances
of Dr. Carver, the marksman, who shoots with a rifle, glass
balls, which are sent into the air as fast as a man can throw
them. Presently, Abner Byng, who was sitting by, said:
66
"That's nothing."
"What is nothing?"
Why, that shooting. Did you ever know Tom Potter!"
"No."
"Well, Potter was the best hand with a rifle I ever saw;
beat this man Carter all hollow. I'll tell you what I've seen
Potter do. You know, may be, along there in the cherry
season, Mrs. Potter would want to preserve some cherries ;
so Tom 'd pick 'em for her, and how do you think he'd stone
'em?"
"I don't know. How?"
66
'Why, he'd fill his gun with bird shot, and get a boy to
drop half a bushel of cherries at one time from the roof of the
house. As they came down, he'd fire, and take the stone
clean out of every cherry in the lot! It's a positive fact. He
might occasionally miss one cherry, may be, but not often.
But he did bigger shooting than that when he wanted to."
"What did he do?”
"Why, Jim Miller-did you know him? No? Well, Tom
made a bet once with Jim that he could shoot the buttons off
187
WIT OF EXAGGERATION.
of his own coat tail, by aiming in the opposite direction, and
Jim Miller took him np."
"Did he do it?"
"Do it? He fixed himself in position, and aimed at a tree .
in front of him. The ball hit the tree, carromed, hit the cor-
ner of a house, carromed, struck a lamp post, carromed, and
flew behind Tom, and nipped the button off as slick as a whistle.
You bet he did it."
"That was fine shooting."
"Yes, but I've seen Tom Potter beat it. I've seen him
stand under a flock of wild pigeons, billions of them coming
like the wind, and kill 'em so fast that the front of the flock
never passed a given line, but turned over and fell down, so
that it looked like a kind of a brown and feathery Niagara.
Tom did it by having twenty-three breech-loading rifles and a
boy to load 'em. He always shot with that kind."
"You say you saw him do this sort of shooting?”
"Yes, sir; and better than that, too. Why, I'll tell you
what I've seen Tom Potter do. I saw him once set up an
India rubber target at three hundred feet, and hit the bull's eye
twenty-seven times a minute with the same ball! He would
hit the target, the ball would bounce back right into the rifle-
barrel just as Tom had clapped in a fresh charge of powder,
and so he kept her a-going backward and forward, backward
and forward, until at last he happened to move his gun, and
the bullet missed the muzzle of the barrel. It was the biggest
thing I ever saw; the very biggest-except one.
""
"What was that?"
66
""
Why, one day I was out with him when he was practicing,
and it came on to rain. Tom didn't want to get wet, and we
had no umbrella, and what do you think he did ?”
"What!"
"Now what do you think that man did to keep dry?"
"I can't imagine."
"Well, sir, he got me to load his weapons for him, and 1
•
WIT AND HUMOR.
188
pledge you my word, although it began to rain hard, he hit
every drop that came down, so that the ground for about eight
feet around us was as dry as punk. It was beautiful, sir;
beautiful! "
And then the company rose up slowly and passed out, one
by one, each man eyeing Abner, and looking solemn as he
went by; and when they had gone, Abner looked queerly for
a moment, and said to me:
"There's nothing I hate so much as a liar. Give me a man
who is the friend of the solid truth, and I'll tie to him.”
Criswell's Wonderful Clock.
Mr. R. W. Criswell contributes to this work some of his
best things, among them one of his Grandfather Lickshingle
stories:
66
Speakin' of the time o' day," remarked Grandfather Lick-
shingle, when the hired girl thrust her head in the room and
asked what she should get for dinner, "speakin' of the time
o'day, reminds me of a clock I had when I first went to house-
keeping."
→
"How did it differ from other clocks? "
"2
"Very materially, sir, as you will ascertain by findin' out.
It wuzn't none of yer French clocks, made in Amsterdam by
a native of Switzerland. Made it myself from designs of my
own designatin'. It 'ud run thirty-eight days without whip or
spur. Wasn't what you'd call a handsome clock, as in them
days we looked more to utility than movement. Built this
clock for service.'
""
"It was a success, no doubt.'
"P'r'aps so, p'r'aps no. That's not for your grandfather to
to say. I'll tell you about it an' you can bring in a verdict in
accordance with the evidence adduced, an' for such you shall
answer at the great day. I made this clock outen the machin-
⚫ry of a couple of old telephones, a type-settin' machine an' a
189
WIT OF EXAGGERATION.
jig-saw, together with some cog-wheels and dufunnys that I
kem across in the scrap pile back of the brass foundery.
Worked on it night an' day for seventeen years, an' when at
last I brought it to completion th press an' pulpit arose as
the voice of one man an' pronounced it the most victorious
triumph of the century."
"
"What was there peculiar about your clock?"
"The most peculiar thing about it was its singularity. As
I said, I had built it entirely with a view to its utility in a new
household, an' had combined the machinery to that end. In
the first place, that clock 'ud set on the mantel and rock the
cradle."
"How was that?"
"Well, I had wires radiatin' out from the fly-wheel. These
we attached to the cradle."
"But at that time you had no occasion for a clock that would
rock the cradle. That is to say
""
"Nobody said I had, did they? But while I wuz about it
I thought I might as well fix it that way. The neighbors used
to bring in their children an' have 'em rocked just to see how
it worked. It 'ud rock as many cradles as there was wires
attached, an' sometimes we had as many as twenty-five babies
in our care at one time. It wuz a curious sight to see the
twenty-five or thirty cradles, each one containin' a baby an'
some of 'em twins, all goin' at once. One day a stranger kem
in our house to sell us some lightning-rods. That day there
was forty cradles goin'. The man was astonished. He looked
at the sleepin' infants, then at my wife, then at your grand-
father, and said :
"My Christian frien', I am of the opinion that the best
thing that kin happen to you is a seven-pronged streak of light-
nin', an' I will retire without showin' my samples,' an' he did.
"There wuz another thing about that clock. You could set
it so it 'ud kindle the fire at any hour in the mornin'."
"Is it possible?”
WIT AND HUMOR.
195
"Yes; an' it 'ud put on the teakettle, pull the hired girl out
of bed, an' spank the baby - if you had one to spank; an' as
long as we kept that time-piece we never had less than from
twenty-five to thirty.'
"Quite wonderful, indeed!"
ور
"That wuzn't all it 'ud do by a long shot. It 'ud catch
more rats than a Scotch terrier."
"Catch rats?"
"Catch 'em quicker'n you can think; didn't run after 'em,
like a fool dog or cat. Wind up what we call the 'rat-catcher'
an' it 'ud emit a peculiar sound, like the weepin' of a young
rat. The old 'uns 'ud conie to the rescue, an' it 'ud be the
most sorrowful rescue you ever read about. A couple of steel
claws 'ud shoot out of the recesses of that time-piece, an' rats
an' mice 'ud fall in a common grave, heaped an' pent, as the
poet says, in one red burial blent.”
"Marvelous! marvelous !"
"More 'an that. This clock 'ud pick up chips, blow the
dinner-horn, call the dog, register the rise and fall of the tide,
give quotations from the stock exchanges—”
"You don't say so!"
66
"Help a man on with his overcoat
"What! ""
"Reach out his hands an' assist you with your ulster jes' as
natural as life.'
""
""
""
"Was it a good time-keeper?'
Keep time like a singin' master. Don't make clocks like
that nowadays. Your grandfather's clock -- "
But grandfather had fallen fast asleep, perhaps before half
was told.
The Truthful Pilot.
The passenger who was going down the Mississippi river for
the first time in his life, secured permission to climb up beside
the pilot, a grim old grayback, who never told a lie in his life.
191
WIT OF EXAGGERATION.
"Many alligators in the river?" inquired the stranger, after
a look around.
"Not so many now, since they got to shootin' 'em for their
hides and taller," was the reply.
"Used to be lots, eh?"
"I don't want to tell you about 'em, stranger," replied the
pilot, sighing heavily.
"Why!"
"'Cause you'd think I was a lying to you, and that's sumthin'
I never do. I kin cheat at kards, drink whiskey or chaw poor
terbacker, but I can't lie,"
"Then there used to be lots of 'em," inquired the passenger.
"I'm most afraid to tell ye, mister, but I've counted 'leven
hundred allygaters to the mile from Vicksburg clear down to
Orleans! That was years ago, before a shot was ever fired at
'em."
66
Well, I don't doubt it," replied the stranger.
""
"And I've counted 3,459 of 'em on one sandbar!" con-
tinued the pilot. "It looks big to tell, but a government
surveyor was aboard, and he checked 'em off as I called out.'
'I haven't the least doubt of it," said the passenger as he
heaved a sigh.
1
"I'm glad o' that, stranger. Some fellows would think I
was a liar, when I'm telling the solemn truth. This used to
be a paradise for alligators, and they were so thick that the
wheels of the boat killed an average of forty-nine to the mile!"
"Is that so?"
"True as a Gospel, mister; I used to almost feel sorry for
the cussed brutes, 'cause they'd cry out e'enamost like a human
being. We killed lots of 'em, as I said, and we hurt a pile
more. I sailed with one captain who allus carried 1,000 bot-
tles of liniment to throw over to the wounded ones!
"He did!"
"True as you live, he did. I don't 'spect I'll ever see an-
other such a Christian man. And the alligators got to know
99
WIT AND HUMOR,
192
the Nancy Jane, and to know Captain Tom, and they'd swim
and rub their tails against the boat, and pur like cats, and look
up and try to smile!"
"They would!"
"Solemn truth, stranger. And once, when we grounded on
a bar, with an opposition boat right behind, the alligators gath-
ered around, got under the stern and humped her clean over
the bar by a grand push. It looks like a big story, but I never
told a lie yet, and never shall. I wouldn't lie for all the money
you could put aboard this boat."
There was a painful pause, and after a while the pilot con-
tinued:
"Our injines gin out once, and a crowd of allygaters took a
tow line and hauled us forty five miles up stream to Vicksburg."
"They did!"
"And when the news got along the river that Captaim Tom
was dead every allygater in the river daubed his left ear with
black mud as a badge of mournin', and lots of 'em pined away
and died."
The passenger left the pilot house with the remark that he
didn't doubt the statement, but the old man gave the wheel a
turn and replied:
"There's one thing I won't do for love nor money, and that's
make a liar out of myself. I was brung up by a good mother,
and I'm going to stick to the truth if this boat doesn't make a
cent.'
""
How Wild Bill Talked to the Quaker Indian Commissioner.
"Go on with thy account of the thunder shower," said the
Quaker clergyman.
66
'Well, as I was telling you," said Wild Bill, placing
his pistol in his pocket and looking the Quaker Indian Com-
missioner straight in the face like a truthful man, "I say as
I was telling you, I seen clouds making to north'ard and I
WIT OF EXAGGERATION.
$
knowed it was going to settle in for thick weather. I told my
son to look out, and in less than half an hour there broke the
doggondist storm I ever seed. Rain! Why, gentlemen, it
rained so hard into the muzzle of my gun that it busted the
darned thing at the breech! Yes, sir. And the water began
to rise on us, too. Talk about your floods down South! Why,
gentlemen, the water rose so rapidly in my house that it flowed
up the chimney and streamed 300 feet up in the air! We got
it both ways that trip, up and down!"
"Do we understand thee is relating facts within the scope of
thine own experience?" demanded the clergyman, with his
mouth wide open.
"Partially mine and partially my son's," answered the truth-
ful Bill. "He watched it go up, and I watched it come down!
But you can get some idea of how it rained when I tell you
that we put out a barrel without any heads into it, and it
rained into the bunghole of the barrel faster than it could run
out at both ends !
""
"Which of you saw that, thee or thy son?" inquired a
clergyman.
<<
"We each watched it together, my son and me," returned Wild
Bill, till my son got to near the barrel and was drowned. Ex-
cuse these tears, gentlemen, but I can never tell about that
storm without crying."
"Verily the truth is sometimes stranger than fiction," said
the clergyman. "Verily it is."
66
Idaho Meanness.
"Don't you go there!" he said, as he turned around on the
passenger who announced that he was going through to Idaho.
They are the most selfish people you ever saw."
"How?"
"Well, take my case. I ran a wildcat under a schoolhouse
and discovered a rich mine, and yet they wouldn't let me do
WIT AND HUMOR.
194
any blasting under there during school hours for fear of dis-
turbing the children. I had to work at nights altogether, and
they even charged me thirty cents for breaking the windows."
"Indeed?"
“And in another case where I staked out a claim and three
men jumped it, the Governor refused to issue ammunition or
let the Sheriff move; and do you know what I had to do?
I had to dig a canal from the river, three miles away, and let
the water in to drive the jumpers out, and even then the Cor-
oner who sat on the bodies made me pay for the coffins and
charged me $12 for a funeral sermon only seven minutes long!
Don't go beyond Colorado if you want to be used well.”
Eli Perkins' Lazy Man.
"He was very lazy, Mr. Perkins," said old Mrs. Jones
"I must say my first husband was a very lazy man.”
"How lazy was he?" I asked.
“Well, he was so lazy, Eli, Mr. Jones was so lazy that he
wouldn't shovel a path to the front gate."
'How did he get the path broken out?" I asked.
"O, he used to lay on the lounge and pinch the baby's ear
with the nippers until the neighbors came rushing in to tread
down the snow."
A Truthful Trio.
Mark Twain and Petroleum V. Nasby, says Donn Piatt,
dined with Eli Porkins at the latter's residence in New York.
The conversation at that dinner I shall never forget. The
stories told and the reminiscences brought out at that dinner
would fill & small book.
After the last course, and after the ladies had withdrawn, the
conversation turned upon horses. Finally Mr. Twain laid
down his cigar and asked Perkins and Nasby if they had ever
heard of a fast horse he (Mark) used to own in Nevada.
195
WIT OF EXAGGERATION.
"I think not," said Nasby.
66
"Well, gentlemen," continued Mr. Twain, as he blew a
smoke ring and watched it, "that was a fast horse. He was
a very fast horse. But he was so tough bitted that I couldn't
guide him with a bit at all.”
56
"How did you guide him?" asked Eli.
“Well, gentlemen, I had to guide him with electricity. I
had to have wire lines and had to keep a battery in the wagon
all the time in order to stop him."
me.
"Why didn't you stop him by hollering who-a?" asked Eli.
"Stop him by hollering who-a!" exclaimed Mr. Twain.
Why I could not holler loud enough to make that horse hear
He traveled so fast that no sound ever reached him from
behind. He went faster than the sound, sir. Holler who-a
and he'd be in the next town before the sound of your voice
eould reach the dash-board. Travel fast?' I should say ne
could. Why I once started from Virginia City for Meadow
Creek right in front of one of the most dreadful rain-storms we
ever had on the Pacific coast. Wind and rain? Why the wind
blew eighty miles an hour and the rain fell in sheets. I drove
right before that storm for three hours just on the edge of
that hurricane and rain for forty miles."
"Didn't you get drenched?"
M
"Drenched?" No, sir. Why, I tell you, I drove in front
of that rainstorm. I could lean forward and let the sun shine
on me, or lean backward and feel rain and catch hailstones.
When the hurricane slacked up the horse slacked up, too, and
when it blew faster I just said 'g-lk!' to the horse, and
touched the battery and away we went. Now I don't want to
lie about my horse, Mr. Perkins, and I don't ask you to believe
what I say, but I tell you truthfully that when I got to Meadow
Creek my linen duster was dry as powder. Not a drop of
rain on the wagon seat either, while the wagon box was level
full of hailstones and water, or I'm a P
39
"Look here, gentlemen," interrupted Mr. Nasby, "speak
WIT AND HUMOR.
108
ing of the truth, did you ever hear about my striking that mar
in Toledo ? ""
Mark said he had never heard about it.
"Well, sir, it was this way: There was a man there-
one of those worldly, skeptical fellows, who questioned my
veracity one day. He said he had doubts about the truthful-
ness of one of my cross-roads incidents. He didn't say it
publicly, but privately. I'm sorry for the sake of his wife
and family now that he said it at all—and sorry for the man,
too, because he wasn't prepared to go. If he'd been a Christ-
ian it would have been different. I say I didn't want to strike
this man, because it's a bad habit to get into this making a
human chaos out of a fellow man. But he questioned my
veracity and the earthquake came. I struck him once-just
once. I remember he was putting down a carpet at the time
and had his mouth full of carpet tacks. But a man can't stop
to discount carpet tacks in a man's mouth, when he questions
your veracity, can he? I never do. I simply struck the
blow."
medg
D
"Did it hurt the man much?" asked Eli
"I don't think it did. It was too sudden. The bystanders
said if I was going to strike a second blow they wanted to
move out of the state. Now, I don't want you to believe me,
and I don't expect you will, but I tell you the honest truth,
Mr. Perkins, I squashed that man right down into a door-mat,
and his own wife, who was tacking down one edge of the
carpet at the time, came right along and took him for a gutta
percha rug, and actually tacked him down in front of the door.
Poor woman, she never knew she was tacking down her own
husband! What became of the tacks in his mouth? you ask.
Well, the next day the boys pulled them out of the bottoms of
his overshoes, and-"
66
Gentlemen!" interrupted Eli, "it does me good to hear
such truths. I believe every word you say, and I feel that I
ought to exchange truths with you. Now did you ever
WIT OF EXAGGERATION,
near how I went to prayer-meeting at New London, Conn., in
a rain-storm?
""
They said they had not
"Well, gentlemen," said Eli, "one day I started for the
New London prayer-meeting on horseback. When I got
about half way there, there came up a fearful storm. The wind
blew a hurricane, and rain fell in torrents, the lightning
gleamed through the sky, and I went and crouched down
behind a large barn. But pretty soon the lightning struck the
barn, knocked it into a thousand splinters, and sent my horse.
whirling over into a neighboring corn-patch.'
$9
"Did it kill you, Mr. Perkins?" asked Mr. Twain, the tears
rolling down his cheeks.
66
'No, it didn't kill me," I said, "but I was a good deal dis-
couraged."
"Well, what did you do, Mr. Perkins?"
“What did I do?' Well, gentlemen, to tell the honest Con
necticut truth, I went right out into the pasture, took off my coat,
humped up my bare back, and took eleven clips of lightning
right on my bare backbone, drew the electricity all out of the
sky, and then got on to my horse and rode into New Londor
in time to lead at the evening prayer-meeting."
Arise and sing!
Irish Exaggeration
An Irishman addicted to telling strange stories, said he saw
a man beheaded with his hands tied behind him, who directly
picked up his head and put it on his shoulders in the right
place.
“Ha! ha! ha!" laughed an Englishman; "how could he
pick up his head when his hands were tied behind him?"
And, sure, what a purty fool ye are!" said Pat; "and
couldn't he pick it up wid his teeth? To ould Nick wid yer
botheration !"
WIT AND HUMOR.
198
A little while afterward Pat was speaking of the fine echo
at the lake of Killarney. "Why," said he, "when you shout,
the echo repeats your voice forty times."
"Faith, that is nothing at all to the echo in my father's
garden in the county of Galway,” said an Irish hackman, who
was listening. "If you say to it:
"How do you do, Paddy Blake?' it will answer :
"Pretty well, thank you, sir.""
"Pat, is your hack clean?" I asked of an Irish hackman.
"Clean, do ye say? clean? Begorra an' it would carry a
bride and bridesmaid, in their white satin robes, up and down
the city, and turn them out a good deal cleaner than when
they went in !"
Yankee Exaggeration.
"Was Aaron Burr a mean man?" I asked a Yankee deacon
up at Hartford.
"Mean? I should say he was. Aaron Burr mean? Why,
I could take the little end of nothing, whittled down to a point,
punch out the pith of a hair, and put in forty thousand such
souls as his, shake them up, and they'd rattle!"
Lord Erskine on Lying.
Lord Erskine was once called upon by an oid friend and
asked whether an action for damages would lie in a certain
case; and the evidence being clearly insufficient, he replied
with one of his best puns:
"The action will not lie unless the witnesses do."
And in the Thelwall case, the prisoner, becoming alarmed,
wrote upon a slip of paper: "I'm afraid I'll be hanged if I
don't plead my own case," and handed it to Erskine, his coun
sel, who replied :
"You'll be hanged if you do."
199
WIT OF EXAGGERATION.
The Truthful Editor.
"Talk about presence of mind!" exclaimed Mr. Doremus,
of the Galveston News, "Why one day Aleck Sweet was
standing at his desk writing, when a stroke of lightning de-
scended through the roof, stripped him of his clothing, even
his boots; threw him against a wall, and left him paralyzed
and unable to move a muscle."
“Did it kill him?" asked a bystander.
"No, sir, he retained complete consciousness through it all,
and, being on the spot, was enabled to write up a veracions
account of the affair. He has since recovered."
Hereditary Liar,
*Father did you ever used to lie when you were a boy?”
"No, my son," said the paternal, who evidently did not
recall the past with any distinctness.
"Nor mother, either?" persisted the young lawyer.
"No! but why?"
"Oh, because I don't see how two people who never told a
ie could have a boy who tells as many as I do. Where could
I have got it from !"
Alex. Sweet on Rapid Transit.
Uncle Mose owns several small shanties, which he rents out;
but one of the tenants is rather slow coming up with his rent,
so old Mose had to make him a pastoral visit. Just as he was
coming from the house, old Mose met Jim Webster.
"Jim," said the old man, "which am de fastest trabbler
you ebber heered tell about?"
"Dey say dat de ray ob light trabbles more den 200,000
miles a second, but, I nebber timed it myself," replied Jim
WIT AND HUMOR.
"Dar's a man in Gaiveston what can gib de ray ob light
fifty yards start and beat it de wust kind.”
"G'way, ole man. Lyin' is ketchin', an' I hain't been vac
cinated since de wah."
"Hit am jess as I told yer. Gabe Snodgrass, which owes
for four mumfs back rent, can outtrabble de light.”
"Did yer see him doin' it?"
"I went to de front doah, an' jess as his wife opened de
front doah, I seed Gabe slide out e back dcah. 'Is Gabe
home?' says I. 'He's done gone to Houston,' says she. Hit
am fifty miles to Houston, an' he must hab made dé trip while
I was lookin' at him slide out de back doah. Just fetch on yer
ob light, an' ef it don't hab to hump itself to catch up wid
Gabe Snodgrass when I comes fur de back rent, den I's a fool,
dat's all !"
ray
?
Queer Answers.
"How did you like the ruins of Pompeii?" asked an old
lady of her son who had just returned from Europe.
"I didn't go to see 'em, ma. They said they was so dread-
fully out of repair that I thought it wouldn't pay."
**
*
"That editor over the way," said the editor of the Sedalia
Bazoo, “is mean enough to steal the swill from a blind hog."
"That Bazoo man known he lies," was the reply next day.
He knows we never stole his swill.”
N
"How did you come to have a wooden leg?" asked one
tleman of another on the cars.
"I inherited it, sir."
"How is that?" inquired his friend.
"Well, sir, my father had one, and so had my grandfather
before him. It runs in the family,"
"Was that leg at Bull run?
14
201
WIT OF EXAGGERATION.
"When does a married man become a bird?" asked Eli
Perkins.
"Never, sir! never!" said Joseph Cook. "It is prepos
terous, Mr. Perkins."
"When a married man comes home at two o'clock in the
morning don't his wife make him quail?"
**
*
Old Deacon Bonney never told a lie; but he used to relate
this: He was standing one day before a frog-pond, and saw
a large garter snake make an attack upon an enormous bull-
frog. The snake seized on the frog's hind legs, and the frog
to be on a par with his snakeship, caught him by the tail, and
both commenced swallowing each other, and continued this
carniverous operation until nothing was left of them.
Lincoln's Exaggeration.
During the late war, one of the gun-boat contractors was
impressing upon Mr. Lincoln the great superiority of his
boats, because they would run in such shallow water. "O,
yes,” replied the President, "I've no doubt they'll run any.
where where the ground is a little moist!"
* *
*
Just as a traveler was writing his name on the register of a
Leavenworth hotel, a bed-bug appeared and took its way across
the page. The man paused and remarked:
"I've been bled by St. Joe fleas, bitten by Kansas City
spiders, and interviewed by Fort Scott graybacks; but I'll be
darned if I was ever in a place before where the bed-bugs
looked over the hotel register to find out where your room was !”
WIT AND HUMOR.
The Colorado Liar.
"That is the biggest liar in Colorado, and you know I'm a
judge," said the reporter of the Denver News, pointing to a mild-
eyed fellow with a Texan sombrero and four pistols in his belt.
"Has he really ever killed any one?" I asked.
"Killed anybody? You betcher life. More'n you've got
fingers and toes on you. Why, that's Dead-Shot Bill. Never
has to waste a second cartridge. Always takes 'em an inch
above the right eye."
"Is he a robber?" asked several of the passengers at once.
"Naw! He ain't nothin' of that sort. He kills for sport
Wouldn't steal nothin'."
"Might I inquire if he has shot any one quite recently?"
asked the English tourist, beginning to tremble.
"Waal, no; not since a week ago Friday, that I can recoi-
lect on."
This was carefully noted down by a stout, fat gentleman,
who appeared to be all ears, and looked as though he, too,
might be an English tourist.
"Well, don't the authorities make any attempt to-to restrict
his amusement?" I asked.
"Authorities? Guess not. Why, he's sheriff himself of this
county, and since he shot the last Judge for fining him for con-
tempt of court when he shot a lawyer that had the impudence to
say that a fellow the sheriff had taken in for stealing a horse
wasn't the right inan, there hasn't been anybody who felt like
taking his place.”
A moment afterward a quiet-looking stock man sat down
beside me, and, turning to him, I pointed out the bloody form
of Dead-Shot Bill and asked him if he knew him.
"Know him!" said the stock man; "why, of course I do.
I've known him since he came from the East, and I hired him
to look after a flock of sheep, but I've had to let him go
because he was afraid to leave the ranche on account of the
Indians in his mind "
mult, magtatag
*

L
77)
Or
RELIUKUILT BAHNUN
Q. Lang
"Why, that's Dead-Shot Bill." (See page 202.)
55
WIT OF EXAGGERATION.
203
Lying-Under a Mistake.
"If your Honor please, that is not the point in question,"
said a Western attorney.
"The court thinks otherwise," replied the Judge.
"But," said the attorney, somewhat excitedly, "I say your
Honor lies" and here he was suddenly cut short by the
Judge.
"What do you say, sir? Do you mean to insinuate the
court lies?" sharply and quickly rapped his Honor.
"No, I beg pardon, if the court so understood it. What I
was about to say, when interrupted by your Honor, and what
I now say in the presence of the court is, that your Honor
lies”—and taking a long breath and coughing slightly-"under
a mistake."
This was a satisfactory explanation, and the court and audi-
ence enjoyed the scene with considerable merriment, and the
case proceeded without further interruption.
M
Eli Perkins on Mean Men.
I was talking with Senator Blaine in Saratoga one day about
mean men when Sam Cox stepped up and said he knew a very
mean man -the meanest man on earth.
"How mean is that?" I asked.
"Why, Eli," he said, "he is so mean that he keeps a five-
cent piece with a string tied to it to give to beggars; and when
their backs are turned he jerks it out of their pockets!
"Why, this man is so confounded mean," continued Mr.
Cox, "that he gave his children ten cents apiece every night.
for going to bed without their supper, but during the night,
when they were asleep, he went upstairs, took the money out
of their clothes, and then whipped them in the morning for
losing it."
ļ
204
WIT AND HUMOR,
"Does he do anything else?"
"Yes, the other day I dined with him, and I noticed the
poor little servant girl whistled all the way upstairs with the
dessert; and when I asked the mean old scamp what made her
whistle so happily, he said: 'I keep her whistling so she can't
eat the raisins out of the cake.'”
I was down in Uncle Hank Allen's grocery today, telling
about Sam Cox's inean man, when Oliver Wilcoxen remarked:
"That was a pretty mean man, but I could tell
could tell you about
meaner men than that right in this town. Now there is old
Backus Long. You remember about the sausage skins?"
'No, what was it?" asked several voices at once.
66
"Well, I don't speak of this as a case of meanness, but I
put it forward as an instance of careful thrift when I say that
when I ran the butcher's shop Backus Long always used to
send back his sausage skins and have them refilled."
ney.
"That was simply business shrewdness," said John Whit-
"Now I always do those kind of things myself. For
instance, it is always my custom to stop the clock nights."
"What for?" asked Stanley Westfall.
"I do it to keep it from wearing out the coggs.
"I call that rather close," said Deacon Monson. "I call
that mean, but we've got a man over in Lebanon who beats
that. Old Calkins over there is so mean that he skims his
milk on top, and then, when no one is looking, he turns it over
and skims it on the bottom."
Uncle Hank now uncrossed his legs, took a quid of fine cut,
and remarked:
"Gentlemen, you don't appear to be aware of the many
mean things done every day in this community. I tell you
there is an all-killin' sight of meanness in this town.”
"Who's meaner than old Calkins?" asked Calvin Morse.
66
"
Why, the meanest man in this town, and none of you
seems to have heard of him," said Uncle Hank. "I
"I say the
WIT OF EXAGGERATION.
205
meanest man in this town, if my memory does not fail me, is
old Deacon Crawford, and "
"What was the meanest thing he ever did?" asked a dozen
voices.
"Well, gentlemen, you may call me a liar, but it's the
solemn truth. One day Deakin Crawford found a stray bung
hole over around Stanley Westfall's cooper shop, and—”
"What did he do with a stray bung hole?" asked Jonas
White.
"Why, gentlemen, you may call it a lie, but if he didn't
take it up to Morse's cooper shop, and, handing it out, ask
Gardner Morse to please give him a barrel to fit that ere bung
hole. He did, by gosh!"
Eli Perkins on Large Feet.
There is an Englishman in Saratoga whose feet are so large
that he rests easier standing up than lying down.
Mrs. Thompson says he objected to taking a walk yesterday,
on the ground that it was so damp.
"What difference does that make?" I asked.
"Oh, his feet are so large that so much of him is exposed to
the damp earth that he takes cold.”
"But suppose he is compelled to go out very rainy weather
--what does he do?" I asked.
"Why, if he has to stay any great length of time, he gener
ally sits down on the grass and holds his feet up!"
One day this man was looking for a pair of shoes. He tried
on four or five pairs and then he asked for the largest pair in
the store.
"These are number 16's," said the store keeper. "They
are certainly large enough.
""
"No," said the man, "they are too small. They pinch my
feet.”
206
WIT AND HUMOR.
·
"O, I have it," said the store keeper, "here, just try on the
box!"
The man didn't buy the box but suited himself in some other
store, and the sequel came out the next day in the Albany
newspaper as follows:
"Ticket!" said the conductor, as he stopped in front of
gentleman, who looked as if he was anchored to his seat.
The gentleman addressed handed over the required paste-
board, which was duly punched, and looking around, the
conductor said:
"Where's your friend's ticket."
"What friend?
I have no friend."
"Who's the party occupying this seat with you?"
"I'm alone," said the passenger, looking somewhat puzzled
at being questioned.
"Then what are you doing with two valises?'
"Two valises! why, I haven't any," at the same time moving
his feet with exertion.
"Oh! excuse me !" said the conductor, as he passed out of
the car.
رو
Nasby's Satire, Ingersoll's Ridicule and Lewis' Humor.
"The difference between satire, ridicule and humor," writes
Eli Perkins, "is this: the satirist, like Nasby, exaggerates an
error, makes it hideous and kills it; while the ridiculer, like
Ingersoll, exaggerates a truth and laughs it out of court. The
humorist, like Lewis of Detroit, paints a true picture of
nature. To illustrate humor, I give this true incident: A
dear, good, old lady, with her daughter, came timidly into
the Poughkeepsie station. She was quite excited. Pointing
her hand nervously through the ticket agent's window, she
asked, tremblingly:
'When does the next train go to New York?'
'Exactly three-twenty,' said the agent, looking at his
watch.
'Is that the first train?' nervously gasped the old lady.
Yes, madam, the very first train.'
WIT OF EXAGGERATION.
207
Isn't there any freights?' Isn't?
•
No, madam, there are no freights.'
• Isn't there a special?'
"No, nothing.'
'If there were a special would you know it?
'Certainly, madam.'
'And there isn't any?'
'No, there isn't.'
6
Well, I'm glad there isn't-awful glad! Now, Maria,
we can cross the track!"
799
Bill Nye Condemns Liars.
We have nothing more to say of the editor of the Sweet
water Gazette. Aside from the fact that he is a squint-eyed,
consumptive liar, with a breath like a buzzard, and a record
like a convict, we don't know anything against him. He
means well enough, and if he can evade the penitentiary and
the vigilance committee for a few more years, there is a chance
for him to end his life in a natural way. If he don't tell the
truth a little more plentifully, however, the Green River
people will rise as one man and churn him up till there won't
be anything left of him but a pair of suspenders and a wart.
A Miner Criswold's Story.
A tramp sat upon a doorstep in New York tenderly holding
his head in his hands, when the owner came along.
"What's the matter with you, man?" asked the gentleman.
"I'm in doubt, sir; I'm in a state of doubt."
"In doubt? what about?"
"Well, sir, I went into that alley-gate up there to get suth'in
to eat; I might a-knowed suth'in 'd happened, for there was
a dead book agent layin' on the flower bed, and a liniment
man with the side of his head all caved in leanin' up again
the peach tree."
"Well?"
IN THE
208
WIT AND HUMOR.
"You see I allus was ventursome; so I very politely
stepped up and taking off my hat asked a woman standin'
there, would she be kind enough to give me a berry pie and
some breast of chicken?”
66
Well, what happened then "
"Now, my friend, that's what I'm in doubt about. I'm
thinking it over now. I don't seem to make out whether I
got the pie or the back porch fell down on me, or perhaps I
fell asleep under a pile driver. I don't know anything about
it, but to give myself the benefit of the doubt, I believe I'd
sooner work half an hour than go into that yard again. I
would."
A Truthful Boy.
M
"Where were you, Charlie?"
"In the garden, ma."
"No, you have been swimming; you know I have cau-
tioned you about going to the creek. I will have to correct
you. Look at your hair, how wet it is."
،
"Oh, no, ma, this is not water it is sweat."
"Ah, Charlie, I have caught you fibbing; your shirt is
wrong side out.”
Boy triumphantly. "Oh, I did that just now, ma, climb-
ing the fence."
M
Large Bugs.
El Perkins.
One day they were talking in Uncle Hank's grocery about
large bedbugs and tough bedbugs.
"I boiled a bedbug nine hours and it swam around on the
top all the time," said old Gifford.
"I put a bedbug in a kerosene lamp," said Charley Camp-
bell, "kept it there four years, and it hatched out twenty-seven
litters of bedbugs right in the kerosene."
Old Hank Allen, who had been listening as an outsider, here
WIT OF EXAGGERATION.
209
}
gave in his experience in corroboration of the facts.
Said he :
"Some years ago I took a bedbug to Wocd's iron foundry,
and dropped it into a ladle where the melted iron was, and had
it run into a skillet. Well, my old woman used that skillet
for six years, and here the other day she broke it all to smash;
and what do you think, gentlemen? that 'ere insect just walked
out of his hole where he'd been layin' like a frog in a rock,
and made tracks for his old roost up-stairs. But," added he,
by way of parenthesis, "by ginger, gentlemen, he looked
mighty pale!"
A book agent took refuge under a hay-stack during a thunder-
storm and the lightning struck him on the cheek, glanced off
and killed a mule two hundred yards away.
**
A Colorado traveler who had chartered half a bed at a
crowded hotel, and was determined to have the best half,
buckled a spur on his heel before turning in. His unfortunate
sleeping partner bore the infliction as long as he could, and at
last roared out:
**
*
"Say, stranger, if you're a gentleman, you ought to cut your
toe-nails!"
Gen. Butler on Three Great Liars.
K
C
"I have the honor," said Gen. Butler at the Medico-Lego
dinner at Delmonico's "I have the honor of knowing three
of the greatest liars the greatest living liars in America."
"Who are they?" asked the venerable Sam Ward, as he
dropped a chicken partridge to listen to the General.
66
Well, sir," said the General, as he scratched his head
thoughtfully, "Mark Twain is one, and Eliar Perkins is the
other two!"
Arise and sing!
-
}
210
}
WIT AND HUMOR.
An Officer of the Weather Bureau in Topeka.
Topeka (Kans.) Commonwealth.
Among the arrivals at the Windsor yesterday morning was
a venerable old bald-headed man, who closely resembles the
pictures of Baron Humboldt. There was an air of mystery
about the old man that the guests could not fathom. Some
said it was Sir Morton Peto, the English railway king. Others
said it was Samuel J. Tilden. Finally a Commonwealth re-
porter sent his card up to the venerable stranger's room, when
he was graciously received by the stranger and presented to
his wife and five beautiful daughters. It was a strange thing
to see five beautiful daughters travelling with the same parents
and all of them seemingly about the same age.
When our reporter ventured to ask the illustrious stranger
about his mission to Topeka, he said:
"I am the chief of the new weather bureau recently estab-
lished in New York. Our mission and business is to furnish
weather to suit the different states. I arranged the recent
hurricane in Kansas City and am now in Topeka to be present
at a hurricane which we have appointed to take ´place next
Thursday."
"And you say that the Kansas City hurricane was gotten up
especially for that city?"
"Certainly, young man; you see there had been a good
deal of wind about Topeka, especially about the state house,
and Kansas City was jealous, so they sent for me to get up the
rival wind, and I fancy I succeeded very well. Yes, sir," said
the old man, as he rubbed his bald head with a silk handker-
chief, "it was a pretty fair hurricane-pretty fair."
"How hard did it blow over there?" asked our reporter,
believing the Kansas City papers had lied about their own
wind.
27
"Well, my son, it blew hard-yes, very hard. In several
instances it blew post holes clear over the river into Clay
鄒
​་་
HM
D
O Geng
❤7 am the chief of the new weather bureau recently established in New York." (See page 210)

WIT OF EXAGGERATION.
county. Deacon Coates, of the Coates House, told me that it
blew his cook stove seventeen miles and came back the next
morning and got the griddles."
เ
'My gracious!"
"Yes, sir, and worse than that. Four Kansas City editors
gct caught out in that wind. They carelessly left their mouths.
open when the wind caught them behind their teeth and turned
them inside out and "
"Heavens! did it kill them?"
"Well, no, but they were a good deal discouraged, my son.
There was one very queer circumstance, though. It seems that
about a dozen Journal reporters were returning from prayer
meeting
59
Man, and play makakat
"Prayer meeting?"
"Yes, my son; returning from prayer meeting, when the
wind caught them and blew them right up against a stone wall
and flattened them out as thin as wafers. In the morning there
they stuck on the wall and
""
"Did it kill them?'
ور
But as I was say
"No, you can't kill a reporter, my son.
ing, the next morning there they stuck until Mr. Van Horn
went out with a wheelbarrow and spade and scraped them off."
"Did you see these flattened reporters?"
"I did. Mr. Van Horn was just sending them to Texas by
express."
92
"Eli ? ""
"What for? What could they do with these flat reporters
in Texas?"
"Mr. Van Horn told me they were to be used as circus
posters, and—____”,
""
"What is your name?" asked our reporter.
"You can rely upon my statements, young man. My name
is Eli Perkins, and-"
"" Yes.”
"Good morning, Eli !" and our reporter was away.
WIT AND HUMOR.
212
The Texas Cow Boy.
First Cowboy:
I'm the howler from the prairies of the West.
If you want to die with terror, look at me.
I'm chain-lightning. If I ain't, may I be blessed.
I'm the snorter of the boundless perarie.
Chorus-He's a kiiler and a hater;
He's the great annihilator;
He's a terror of the boundless perarie.
Second Cowboy :
I'm the snoozer from the upper trail;
I'm the reveler in murder and in gore;
I can bust more Pullman coaches on the rail
Than any one who's worked the job before.
Chorus-He's a snorter and a snoozer;
He's the great trunk line abuser;
He's the man who put the sleeper on the rail
Third Cowboy:
I'm the double-jawed hyena from the East;
I'm the blazing bloody blizzard of the States;
I'm the celebrated slugger, I'm the beast;
I can snatch a man bald-headed while he waits.
Chorus-He's a double-jawed hyena;
He's the villain of the scena;
He can snatch a man bald-headed while he waits
R. S. Criswell's Story:
When Grandfather Lickshingle heard it read from a news-
paper that Mrs. Peter Ripley, of Sherman, N. Y., had a lamp-
chimney which they have used constantly for thirteen years,
he rapped savagely on the floor with his cane and said:
"Now what the dickens is the use of putting such stuff as
that in a newspaper? If they want some information about
lamp-chimneys, let them come to me and get it. When me and
your grandmother broke up house-keeping we had a lamp-
chimney that was a lamp-chimney. But you can tell your
aunt's folks that it wasn't made in these shoddy times. I paid
1
213
WIT OF EXAGGERATION.
three cents in gold for it the day after we were married. That
was away back somewhere in 1700. We used it night and
day for seventy-nine years and eight--"
"Why, grandpa, you didn't have to use it in the daytime,
did you?"
66
'Didn't have to-no! But we did. Used it at night on
the lamp, and in the daytime we used it to drive nails with.
Sometimes the children cracked hickory-nuts with it, and the
Street Commissioner borrowed it several times to pound rocks
on the street. One day he thought sure he had lost it. His
workmen had left it on the track, and the street cars ran over
it seventeen times before it was found."
"This lamp-chimney had been in a railroad collision, twen
ty-two lamps had exploded under it in its time, a mule kicke
it through the side of a stable, and it came out of it all without
as much as a crack. But it's broke now," said grandfather,
with a heavy sigh.
·
"Then you were foolish enough to allow the hired girl to
attempt to clean it, were you not?" asked mother.
"Naw, but we might as well. When we quit keepin' house
I gave it to General Butler, who lived up in Boston. He was
hard of heerin', and wanted it for an ear trumpet. One day
Ben Butler tried to tell Solon Chase, up in Maine, that a green-
back currency was the only thing that would save this country,
and busted the chimney into a million pieces;" and grand-
father hammered on the floor with his cane, and said it was a
sad, sad day for this country when the Green-back party was
born.
The Way to Deny a Lying Rumor.
The following paragraph began to be extensively circulated
in the newspapers in 1875:
:
Eli Perkins was once a resident of Fulton, and to-day his
wife and a handsome eighteen-year-old daughter are occupying
a cosy dwelling on a principal street here. Few besides the
WIT AND HUMOR.
214
little family he left behind him can call him by his true name."
--Fulton Times.
This is the way the lie was corrected:
To the Editor of the New York Sun :
Now, if this paragraph is true, it is time that I were arrested
for bigamy, for I am at present pretending to occupy the posi
tion in New York of the devoted husband of the only original
and most loving little wife on this continent.
If I ever abandoned a wife in Fulton, N. Y., it must have
been some other man's wife. I have done a good deal of that
kind of thing in my life, and if all our lawyers, editors, and
clergymen would follow my example in such things closer than
they do, they would reduce unhappiness in this life and the
price of sulphur in the next.
I abandoned a daughter years ago, when I was about eighteen
years old. She was the daughter of a merchant-young, beau-
tiful and wealthy. I did not abandon her on my own account,
but her father came to me with a shot-gun and asked me to do
it. If you had seen the man and the gun you would have
abandoned a whole drove of daughters. But even then, if she
had urged me to stay, I should have picked out the buck-shot
and continued to board with her father and mother.
Yours truly,
ELI PERKINS.
P. S.-RECAPITULATION.
66
39
I. I never was in Fulton, N. Y.
II. I never had a daughter.
III. I am now living in New York with my "only original,
loving wife, and I love her as the angels do an honest, truthful
journalist. There is more danger of my wife abandoning me
than there is of my abandoning her; and if any editor will
insure me against being abandoned, I will give him $300.
E. P.
Famous Wind Storms.
(Remarks made at the Hatchet Club.)
66
Talking about hard blows out west," said Mr. Lewis, of
the Detroit Free Press, at a meeting of the "Hatchet Club,"
talking about heavy winds, why I saw a man out in Michi-
gan sitting quietly on his doorstep eating a piece of pie
Suddenly, before he could get into the house, the wind struck
""
£5
1
215
WIT OF EXAGGERATION
A
him. The gale first blew the house down, and then seized the
man, carried him through the air a hundred yards or so, and
landed him in a peach-tree. Soon afterward a friendly board
from his own house came floating by. This he seized and
placed over his head to protect himself from the raging blast,
and-finished his pie. (Sensation.)
"That was a windy day for Michigan, I presume,” said
Mr. Wm. Nye, of Laramie, but that would not compare
with one of our Laramie zephyrs. Why, gentlemen, out in
Laramie, during one of our ordinary gales, I've seen boulders
big as pumpkins flying through the air. Once, when the wind
was blowing grave-stones around, and ripping water-pipes out
of the ground, an old Chinaman with spectacles on his nose
was observed in the eastern part of the town seated on a knoll,
calmly flying his kitean iron shutter with a log-chain for a
tail." (Hear, Hear!)
"That was quite windy," said a Boston man, who had just
returned from Nevada. "We had some wind out there. Ono
day as I was passing a hotel in Virginia City, the cap blew
from one of the chimneys. It was a circular piece of sheet
iron, painted black, slightly convex, and the four supports
were like legs. The wind carried it down street, and it went
straddling along like a living thing."
"Well, what was it?" asked a member.
"Why, it turned out to be a bed bug from the hotel, and,
by George! I never saw anything like it," then he added,
"outside of Boston." (Sensation.)
"You have seen some strong winds, gentlemen," observed
Eli Perkins, "but I have seen some frisky zephyrs myself, and,
as to night is the 22d of February, the birthday of the patron
saint of the Hatchet Club," I will tell you about them.
"Once, out in Kansas, they told me the wind blew a cook-
stove eighty miles, and came back the next day and got the
griddles. (Wonder and applause.)
A reporter of the Kansas City paper was standing out in
:
WIT AND HUMOR.
216
the street looking at the stove as it floated away, when the
wind caught him in the mouth, and turned him completely
wrong side out. (Sensation.)
}
C
"In Topeka," continued Mr. Perkins, "post holes were
ripped out of the ground and carried twenty miles (hear, hear),
and careless citizens who ventured out were blown right up
against brick walls and flattened out as thin as wafers (Sen-
sation, and a voice, that's too thin'). Yes, thousands of
citizens," continued Eli, "were thus frescoed onto the dead
walls of Topeka. The next day after the wind sibsided,
Deacon Thompson went around with a spade and pealed off a
wagon load of citizens, and-".
“What did he do with them?" gasped the members of the
Club.
(6
Why, gentlemen, if I remember rightly, he shipped them
to Texas and sold them for circus posters and liver pads.”
"Arise and sing!"
Very Windy,
Talking about the wind," said George Peck, Milwaukee
liar, "Talk about the wind blowing the grasshoppers away!
One of them faced the gale the other day for an hour, and
then yanked a shingle off a house for a fan, saying it was
awfully sultry."
A
SATIRE AND RIDICULE,
How Satire Differs From Humor.
Satire is one of the strongest weapons we have. The Satires
of Juvenal changed the customs of Rome, Dean Swift changed
the political aspect of England with his "Tale of a Tub;"
Cervantes broke up the awful custom of Knight errantry in
Spain by Don Quixote, and Nasby with his cross-roads letters
did more for the Union during the last war than a brigade of
soldiers.
Satire and Ridicule in the Bible.
Eli] Perkins.
The bible is full of ridicule and satire. Elijah was always
using it, and our Saviour himself, on several occasions, uttered
the most laugh-provoking ridicule. You remember when he
said:
"Ye be blind leaders of the blind: Ye strain out a gnat and
ye swallow a cammel."
Suppose our Saviour had said:
"Ye strain out a musquito and ye swallow a buffalo." It
would not have been more ridiculous, nor convincing.
Elijah broke down the heathen Priests of Bael with ridicule.
You remember the prayer test, where the priests of Bael said,
Bael could light the tinders as well as Elijah's God. Then
Elijah turned upon them and said:
"Pray away! Bael is a God, but peradventure he sleepeth.
Peradventure he hath gone on a journey Pray louder ! "
217
WIT AND HUMOR.
218
Satire on Modern Church Music.
Eli Perkins.
My cousin Julia is learning to sing hi— opera in the choir.
Everything is on the hi now; hi— opera, hi— church, hi—
heels, or hi-pocracy.
When Eugene Augustus asked her to sing some modern
high church music last night, she flirted up her long train, co-
quettishly wiggle-waggled to the piano, and sang :
When ther moo-hoon is mi-hild-ly be-heaming
O'er the ca-ham and si-hi-lent se-e-e-e-a;
Its ra-dyunce so-hoftly stre-heaming,
Oh! ther-hen, oh, ther-hen,
I thee-hink
Hof thee-he,
I thee-hink,
I thee-hink,
I thee-hink,
I thee-he-he-hehehehe hink hof the-e-e-e-e!!
"Beautiful, Miss Julia! beautiful!" and we all clapped our
hands. "Do please sing another verse-it's perfectly divine,
Miss Julia!" said Eugene Augustus. Then Julia raised her
golden (dyed) head, touched the white ivory with her jewelled
fingers and warbled:
When the sur-hun is bri-hight-ly glo-ho-ing
O'er the se-hene so de-hear to me-e-e;
And swee-heet the wee-hind is blo-ho-ing,
Oh! ther-hen, oh ther-hen,
I thec-hink
Hof thee-hee,
I thee-hink,
I thee-hink,
I thee he-he-hehehehe-hink, hohohohohohoho-
hohoho-of-the-eeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!
There, that will stun the congregation next Sunday, won't
it" said Julia.
We all told her we thought it would.
SATIRE AND RIDICULE.
Satirizing Darwin.
Instead of defending Christianity, it is better to satirize the
Anti-Christians.
"I believe with Huxley and Darwin in a religion of reason,
satirizes Eli Perkins. "Before we can make our new doctrine
of reason successful we must destroy all the churches, and
have a new bible. The old theory of creation is all wrong.
Nothing was created. Everything grew. In the old bible we
read: 'In the beginning God created heaven and earth.'
"Now this is all wrong," says Darwin and I. Our new
bible is to commence like this:
97
GENESIS. CHAP. I.
1. There never was a beginning. The Eternal without us,
that maketh for righteousness, took no notice whatever of
anything.
2. And Cosmos was homogeneous and undifferentiated, and
somehow or another evolution began, and molecules appeared.
3. And molecule evolved protoplasm, and rythmic thrills
arose, and then there was light.
4. And a spirit of energy was developed and formed the
plastic cell, whence arose the primordial germ.
5. And the primordial germ became protogene, and proto-
gene somehow shaped eocene, then was the dawn of life.
6. And the herb yielding seed, and the fruit-tree yielding
fruit after its own kind, whose seed is in itself, developed
according to its own fancy. And the Eternal without us, that
maketh for righteousness, neither knew nor cared anything
about it.
Pat
7. The cattle after his kind, the beast of the earth after his
kind, and every creeping thing became evolved by hetero-
geneous segregation and concomitant dissipation of motion.
8. So that by survival of the fittest there evolved the Simi-
WIT AND HUMOR.
ads from the jelly-fish, and the simiads differentiated them-
selves into the anthropomorphic primordial types.
9. And in due time one lost his tail and became a man,
and behold he was the most cunning of all animals; and
lo! the fast men killed the slow men, and it was ordained to
be so in every age.
10. And in process of time, by natural selection and sur-
vival of the fittest, Matthew Arnold, Herbert Spencer, and
Charles Darwin appeared, and behold it was very good.
Kyle's Satire on the Dude.
Mr. George W. Kyle furnishes one of the cleverest of satires
on "Dude" or "Swell" in the form of a soliloquy :
I say! I wonder why fellahs ever wide in horse-cars. I've
been twying all day to think why fellahs ever do it, weally!
I know some fellahs that are in business, down town, you
know-C. B. Jones, cotton dealer; Smith Brothers, woolen
goods; Bwown & Company, stock bwokers and that sort of
thing, you know-who say they do it every day. If I was to
do it every day, my funeral would come off in about a week.
'Pon my soul it would. I wode in a horse-car one day. Did
it for a lark. Made a bet I would wide in a horse-car. 'Pon
my soul I did. So I went out on the pavement before the
club-house and called one. I said, "Horse-car! horse-car!"
but not one of 'em stopped, weally! Then I saw that fellahs
wun after them--played tag with them, you know, as the
dweadful little girls do when school is coming out. And some-
times they caught the cars-ah-and sometimes they did not.
So I wun after one, I did weally, and I caught it. I was out
of breath, you know, and a fellah on the platform-a conduc-
tor fellah-poked me in the back and said, "Come! move up!
make room for this lady!" Al-by Jove he did, you know!
I looked for the lady so (ye-glass business), but I could see no
lady, and I said so. There was a female person behind me,
221
SATIRE AND RIDICULE.
with large market-basket, cwowded with-ah-vegetables and
such dreadful stuff, and another person with a bundle and
another with a baby, you know. The person with the basket
prodded me in the back with it, and I said to the conductor
fellah, said I,
"Where shall I sit down?
you
know. (Eye-glass business.)
pied by persons, conductor," said I.
He was wude, very wude, indeed, and he said:
"You can sit on your thumb if you have a mind to."
And when I wemonstrated with him upon the impwopwiety
of telling a gentleman to sit on his thumb, he told me to go to
thunder. "Go to thunder!" he did indeed. After a while
one of the persons got out and I sat down; it was vewy dis-
agweeable! Opposite me there were several persons belong-
ing to the labowing classes, with what I pwesume to be lime
on their boots, and tin kettles which they carried for some
mysterious purpose in their hands. There was a person with
a large basket, and a colored person.
fellah that had been eating onions!
I couldn't stand it! No fellah could, you know. I had heard
that if any one in a car was annoyed by a fellah-passenger he
should weport it to the conductor. So I said:
Next to me there sat a
'Twas vewy offensive!
"Conductor! put this person out of the car! he annoys me
vewy much. He has been eating onions."
I-ah-I don't see any seat,
The seats seem to be occu
"Where shall I sit?"
1
"But the conductor fellah only laughed. He did indeed !
And the fellah that had been eating onions said:
"Hang yer impidence, what do ye mean by that?"
"It's extwemely disagweeable, you know, to sit near one
who has been eating onions," said I. "I think you ought to
resign, get out, you know." And then, though I'm sure I
spoke in the most wespectful manner, he put his fist under
my nose and wemarked,
"You'll eat that, hang you, in a minute!" He did indeed.
And a fellah opposite said:
WIT AND HUMOR.
"Put a head on him, Jim!" I suppose from his tone that
it was some colloquial expwession of the lower orders, re-
ferring to a personal attack. It was vewy disagweeable in-
deed. I don't see why any fellah ever wides in the horse-cars.
But I didn't want a wow, you know. A fellah is apt to get a
black eye, and a black eye spoils one's appeawance, don't you
think? So I said, "Beg pardon, I'm sure." The fellah said,
"Oh, hang you!" He did, indeed. He was a vewy ill-bred
person. And all this time the car kept stopping and more
people of the lower orders kept getting on. A vewy dweadful
woman with a vewy dreadful baby stood right before me, in-
tercepting my view of the street; and the baby had an orange
in one hand and some candy in the other. And I was wonder-
ing why persons of the lower classes were allowed to have
such dirty babies, and why Bergh or some one didn't interfere,
you know, when, before I knew what she was doing, that
dweadful woman sat that dweadful baby wight down on my
lap! She did indeed. And it took hold of my shirt bosom
with one of its sticky hands and took my eye-glass away with
the other and upon my honor, I'm quite lost without my eye-
glass.
"You'll have to kape him till I find me money," said the
woman.
+
"Weally!" said I, "I'm not a nursery-maid, ma'am."
Then the people about me laughed. They did indeed. I
could not endure it. I jumped up and dwopped the baby in
the straw.
"Stop the car, conductor," said I, "stop the car." What
do you suppose he said?
66
'Hurry up now, be lively, be lively; don't keep me waiting
all day!" And I was about to wemonstrate with him upon the
impwopwiety of speaking so to a gentleman, when he pushed
me off the car. That was the only time I ever wode in a horse-
car. I wonder why fellahs ever do wide in horse-cars? I should
think they would pwefer cabs, you know.
CA
ရွာ
a t
"You'll have to kape him till I find me money." (See page 222.)
i z
4A PALM-3-
Laver 90
}

SATIRE AND RIDICULE.
223
*
M. Quad's Satire on Foreign Charity,
There were a score cr more of women gathered together at
Mr. Johnson's house. Mr. Johnson is a good-hearted man
and a respectable citizen, though he is rather skeptical in some
things. The women had just organized "The Foreign Benev-
olent Society," when Mr. Johnson entered the rocm. He was at
price appealed to to donate a few dollars as a foundation to work
on, and then Mrs. Graham added:
"It would be so pleasant in after years for you to remember
that you gave this society its first doilar and its first kind
word."
IIe slowly opened his wallet, drew out a ten-dollar bill, and
as the ladies smacked their lips and clapped their hands, he
asked:
"Is this society organized to aid the poor of foreign
countries?"
"Yes—yes—yes!" they chorused.
"And it wants money?
>9
?
"Yes--yes.”
""
So'
"Well, now," said Johnson, as he folded the bill in a tempt-
ing shape, there are twenty married women here. If there
are fifteen of you who can make oath that you have combed
the children's hair this morning, washed the dishes, blackened
the cook-stove, and made the beds, I'll donate ten dollars."
"I have," answered two of the crowd, and the rest said:
"Why, now, Mr. Johnson !"
"If fifteen of you can make oath that your husbands are
not wearing socks with holes in the heels the money is yours,"
continued the wretch.
"Just hear him!" they exclaimed, each one looking at the
other.
"If ten of you have boys without holes in the knees of their
pants, this X goes to the society," said Johnson.
"Such a man!" they whispered.
224
WIT AND HUMOR.
"If there are five pairs of stockings in this room that do not
need darning, I'll hand over the money," he went on.
"Mr. Johnson," said Mrs. Graham, with great dignity,
"the rules of this society declare that no money shall be con-
tributed except by members, and as you are not a member, I
beg that you will withdraw and let us proceed with the routine
business."
Satirizing the Managing Boston Girls.
Eli Perkins
Last evening as Mr. Stub was playing his sweet music in the
Saratoga ball room, an old maid from Boston was promenading
out on the flirting balcony with Mr. Jack Astor, one of our swell
young gentlemen from New York.
As the lanciers stopped, Miss Warren looked languidly
over into the park, sighed four times and then pathetically
remarked:
"Nobody loves me, my dear Mr. Astor; nobody
"Yes, Miss Warren, God loves you, and your mother
loves you."
"Mr. Astor, let's go in !"
And five minutes afterward Miss Warren was trying the
drawing-out dodge on another poor innocent, unsuspecting
fellow.
亨
​Satire on the Critic.
J
Ivan Tourganeff.
There was a fool. For many years he lived comfortably.
Then, little by little, the news came to him from all quarters
that he was a brainless fellow.
The fool was very much confused by this, and was very
anxious to find some way to put an end to such disagreeable
news.
At last a sudden idea brightened his poor head, and with-
out much ado he put it into practice.
An acquaintance met him in the street and began to praise
a famous painter.
SATIRE AND RIDICULE
225
This painter was forgot
"Mercy!" exclaimed the fool
ten long ago. Don't you know that?
know that? I did not expect that
from you.
You are behind the times "
The acquaintance was confused, and hastened to agree with
the fool.
"What a beautiful book that is," another acquaintance
said to the fool, talking of a new book
"Gracious!" exclaimed the fool, "that book is good for
nothing there is not a single novel idea in it. Everybody
knows that. Don't you know it? Oh you are behind the
times."
And this acquaintance was also confused, and he, too,
agreed with the fool
"What a fine and noble man my friend N. N is," said
another person to the fool.
"Oh, dear me!" exclaimed the fool,
scoundrel; he has cheated all his relatives
know that? You are behind the times
;
he is a well known
Who does not
And this person agreed with the fool and forsook his friend
And the same sort of remarks the fool made whenever they
praised anybody or anything in his presence Sometimes
he added: "Do you believe yet in authorities?"
Thus it came about that people began to talk of the fool
thus: "What an angry inisanthrope he is!" "But then
what a clear head!" "And what a sharp tongue!"
he is a genius!"
"Ah,
At length the editor of a large journal asked the fool to
conduct its department of criticism And the fool criticised
everything and everybody in his own peculiar inanner.
The fool who denounced all authorities has now become an
authority himself, and the youths revere him and fear him.
They cannot help it, for did they not revere the fool he would
class them among those who are behind the times.
How happy fools are among cowards.
226
WIT AND FUMOE.
B11 Perkins Satirizes the Shoddy Saratoga Girl
Conversations as varied as the crowd greet you on every
hand at Saratoga Last night, Mr Winthrop, a young author
from Boston, was talking to Miss Johnson, from Oil City.
Miss Johnson is a beautiful girl-very fashionable
No ma
terial expense is spared to make her attractive. She is gored
and puckered to match her pannier, and ruffled and fluted and
cut on the bias to correspond with her overskirt, but alas her
literary knowledge is limited..
As Mr Winthrop was promenading up and down the bal
cony last night, he remarked to Miss Johnson as he opened
Mr Jenkins' English book:
Have you seen 'Ginx's Baby,' Miss Johnson ?
77
"i
Oh, Mr. Winthrop I think all babies are dreadful--
awful-perfectly atrocious! Mrs Ginx don't bring her baby
into the parlor does she?"
"But how do you like 'Dame Europa's School,' Miss John
son?" continued Mr Winthrop
"I don't like any school at all, Mr Winthrop, except
dancing school--they're dreadful-perfectly atrocious 0, the
divine round dances, the--""
P
i
"Have you seen the Woman in White,' by Wilkie Collins,
Miss Johnson?"
1
"No, but I saw the woman in dark blue by Commodore
Vanderbilt--and such a dancer-such a-”
"Did you see Napoleon's Julius Cæsar" interrupted
Mr. Winthrop
(C
throp
Napoleon's Julius seize her! you don't say so, Mr Win-
Well, I don't wonder. I wanted to seize her myself
any one who would wear such an atrocious polonaise !"
And so, aristocratic Miss Johnson went on In every word
she uttered I saw the superiority of the material over the
mental-the preponderance of milliner over the schoolmaster
was glad to sit with the poor Boston author at the fountain
1
SATIRE AND RIDICULE.
22'7
of Miss Johnson's wisdom-to drink in a perpetual flow of
soul, and to feast on reason.
But when a moment afterward I saw Miss Johnson and
empty-headed Mr. Witherington of Fifth avenue floating down
the ball room in the redowa, I felt that my early education
had been neglected.
"Alas, I cannot dance!" I sighed. "I cannot dance the
German !
""
“O,” I sighed in the anguish of my heart, "would that I
directed my education in cther channels; would that I had
cultivated my brain less and my hee's more, and that books
and art and architecture had not drawn me aside from the fes-
tive dance. Would that the palace of the Cæsars, the Milan
Cathedral, and the great dome of St. Paul's were in chaos!
Would that Dickens and John Ruskin and old Hugh Miller
had never lived, and that the sublime coloring of Rembrandt
and Raphael had faded like the colors of a rainbow."
X
*
*
*
X
X
*
*
*
"After death comes the judgment; and what will it profit a
man to gain the whole world and fail with Miss Johnson to
dance the round dances?" In the anguish of my heart I cry
aloud, "May the Lord have mercy on my soul and not utterly
cut me off because I have foolishly cultivated my brain while
my heels have rested idly in my boots.”
So I went on!
*
Griswold Satirizes the Dishonest Business Man.
The Fat Contributor.
"I'll tell you how it is," said old Perkins, of Boston, to a
rriend who was about to fail in business, "you can make a
fortune by going into bankruptcy, if your debts are only big
enough. The more you owe, you know, the more you make.
Do you see?
"No; I don't really see how I shall make money by losing
it," said the unfortunate friend. "I owe enough, the Lord
228
WIT AND HUMOR.
knows, if that's all you want, but how I'm ever to pay even
fifty cents on the dollar, and have anything left to commence
over again, is one of the things I can't see into."
"But you don't want to pay your debts, man.
Well, but
you are a green 'un-that is too good. Pay! Ha, ha! What
are you going to fail for?"
"Because I can't help it. Now, what are you laughing
about?"
"I'm laughing because you don't seem to understand that
you
can't afford to fail in these hard times unless you can
make a snug thing out of it. You mustn't plunge headlong
into ruin, you know, with your eyes shut," said brother Per-
kins, adjusting his diamond pin.
"Mustn't I?"
""
"No! Never do in the world. Have your wits about you,
and keep your head clear. Don't let the trouble worry you
into fogging your brain with too much drink. Wouldn't do it
at all. Keep your eye peeled and watch for the main chance."
'Yes yes; I see. But how, Mr. Perkins?
"Well, first, you must appoint your own receiver, and be
sure to select the stupidest man you can find. Get a man who
don't know enough to drive a cow, and too lazy to add up a
column of figures, even if he knows how. If you can find an
ignoramus that can't read, so much the better. Make him
believe there ain't hardly anything to divide, and you can buy
him off cheap.'
""
"So, ho, that's the way, is it? Go on, I'm learning fast."
"If the man you get is green enough, and not too blamed
awkward to stumble on to the true state of things accidentally,
you won't have a bit of trouble. Divide with him right on the
start, and______">
"But the creditors-what are they to do?"
"Them? The creditors! Oh! never mind them. You just
take care of yourself. You can't take care of everybody when
you fail; but take care of yourself, my boy, and if you fail
SATIRE AND RIDICULE.
229
often enough you'll die a millionaire. I've tried it myself, you
know. Look at me! Failed eight times, and now I'm Presi
dent of two savings banks, and to-morrow I'm going to endow
a theological seminary.'
""
And Brother Perkins consulted his magnificent stem-winder,
and said it was about time to go in and join Elder Mines and
Deacon Griswold to arrange about the $4,000 which the church
had lent him for safe-keeping.
Lewis' Satire on the Patriotic Politician.
He found half a dozen American freemen waiting for him
when he reached his office yesterday morning. The first one
admitted removed his hat and gave three cheers.
"What's that for?" asked the candidate.
"It's for the triumph of principle over corruption—honesty
over fraud-integrity over iniquity and wickedness. The free-
men are going to rally."
"How much do you want?" asked the candidate, as he
pulled out his wallet.
"There will be such a raily of honest electors as—”
"How much?"
"The horny handed sons of toil have become dis—”
"How much, I say?"
"Well, sir, I'll have to keep seven of the boys full of beer
from now to election day, and I'm thinking that about ten-”
"Take it; here it is. Good morning; next!"
The next entered with a cat-like tread, looked all around the
room for listeners, and then, sinking his voice to a whisper, he
exclaimed:
"Hush! "Tis the battle cry of 10,000 freemen coming to
the rescue ! "9
"Will $2 be enough this morning?" coldly inquired the
candidate.
"You'll get there by the largest majority this county has
16
230
WIT AND HUMOR
ever seen? One part of my ward was going solid against you
thinking--
"I'll make it $3."
""
66
'But I crushed out the opposition, and when the glorious
sun of Nov. 7 gilds the spires and steeples, there will be such
an uprising-
""
"Here's $4-go 'long-don't bother me any more--big
hurry-anybody else?"
A Little Sarcastic,
"Twas Harry who the silence broke:
"Miss Kate, why are you like a tree?
Because, because-I'm board," she spoke.
“Oh, no, because you're woo'd,” said he.
'Why are you like a tree!" she said;
"I have a-heart?" he asked, so low,
Her answer made the young man red,
"Because you're sappy, don't you know?"
"Once more," she asked, "why are you now
A tree?" He couldn't quite perceive,
"Trees leave sometimes, and make a bow,
And you may also bow and leave.”
alga
Satire on the Commercial Traveler.
"Is this seat engaged?" he asked of the prettiest girl in the
car, and, finding that it wasn't, he put his sample box in the
rack and braced himself up for solid enjoyment.
"Pleasant day," said the girl, coming for him before he
could get his tongue unkinked. "Most bewildering day, isn't
it ?"
"Y-yes, miss," stammered the drummer. He was in the
habit of playing pitcher in this kind of a match, and the posi
tion of catcher didn't fit him as tight as his pantaloons.
"Nice weather for traveling,' continued the girl, "much
nicer than when it is cold. Are you perfectly comfortable?"
SATIRE AND RIDICULE.
231
"Oh, yes, thanks," murmured the drummer.
"Glad of it," resumed the girl, cheerfully. "You don't
look so. Let me put my shawl under your head, won't you?
Hadn't you rather sit next to the window and have me describe
the landscape to you?"
"No, please," he murmured, "I am doing well enough."
"Can I buy some peanuts or a book? Let me do something
to make the trip happy! Suppose I slip my arm around your
waist! Just lean forward a trifle, please, so that I can!"
"You'll---you'll have to excuse me," gasped the wretched
drummer; "I don't think you really mean it."
"You look so tired," she pleaded; "wouldn't you like to rest
your head on my shoulder? No one will notice. Just lay your
head right down and I'll tell you stories."
"No, thanks! I won't today! I'm very comfortable,” and
poor drummer looked around helplessly.
the
"Your scarf-pin is coming out. Let me fix it. There!"
and she arrayed it deftly. "At the next station I'll get you a
cup of tea, and when we arrive at our destination you'll let me
call on you?" and she smiled an anxious prayer right into his
pallid countenance.
"I think I'll go away and smoke," said the drummer, and
hauled down his gripsack and made a bolt for the door, knee-
deep in the grins showered upon him by his fellow-passengers.
66
"Strange!" murmured the girl to a lady in front of her.
"I only did with him just what he was making ready to do
with me, and big and strong as he is, he couldn't stand it. I
really think women have stronger stomachs than men ; besides
that, there isn't any smoking-car for them to fly to for refuge.
I don't understand this thing." But she settled back contentedly
all the same; and at a convention of drummers, held in the
smoker that morning, it was unanimously resolved that that
seat was engaged, as far as they were concerned, for the balance
of the season.
232
WIT AND HUMOR.
8
Satire on Hiring Servants in New York.
Ladies who go to intelligence offices to employ servants, are
often subjected to most impertinent questioning on the part of
the Irish chambermaids and cooks. They always want one
afternoon out, the privilege of a front room to see beaux in,
etc. Mrs. Perkins has been troubled so much with servants
that Eli finally put the following satirical advertisement in the
Herald. Strange to say, the advertisement was answered the
next day by over 400 cooks:
COOK WANTED-LADY.-A woman in respectable circum-
stances, living 74 E. Seventy-sixth street, and who can give
good references from the last lady who worked for her, wishes
à situation as mistress over two young ladies to act in the
capacity of cook and chambermaid. The advertiser has a hus-
band and one child, but if the child is an objection, it will be
sent out to board. The ladies who consent to enter into the
alliance will have full management of the house. They will
be allowed to employ an inferior person to assist them in doing
their own washing and ironing, provided they will allow the
advertiser to put in a few small pieces, such as collars, cuffs
and baby clothes. The advertiser will assist in the heavy
work, such as wiping down the stairs, building fires, and such
other labor as may be considered unbecoming in a lady. A
gentleman of color will be in attendance to wash door steps,
scrub stairs, clean knives and dishes, carry water, and run on
errands. The young ladies will have Sundays and Saturday
afternoons to themselves, and can use the back parlor for even-
ing company during the week, provided the advertiser can use
it in the morning. In case the young ladies desire to give a
party, the advertiser, after giving up the keys of the wine
cellar and larder, will spend the night at the hotel. If the
young ladies have relatives, they can supply them with flour,
chickens and vegetables from the common larder. Presents
will be exchanged on Christmas, and the young ladies can
have a set of jewelry or a point lace underskirt on Easter
morning.
Candidates will please send address to Mrs. Eli Perkins, 74
E. Seventy-sixth street, when the advertiser will call on them
with her recommendations and certificates of good character.
SATIRE AND RIDICULE.
233
:
:
Eugene Field Satirizes Railroad Swindlers.
Ben-Ali-Sneezer, late one afternoon,
Met Sheik-Bak-Gammon on old Horeb's mount,
And thus he, in the language of the east,
His multifarious hardships did recount:
"O Shick, I bow me in the dust and mourn-
For lo! whilst browsing on the fertile plain,
Two of my choicest heifers fair and fat,
Were caught in limbo and were duly slain
By that infernal pest of recent birth,
The half-past 8 accommodation train!"
Then quoth the Sheik: "One of my whitest lambs,
Which I did purpose soon to drive to town,
While frisking o'er the distant flowery lea,
Was by that self-same fatal train run down.
Now, O Ben-Ali! by the prophet's beard,
What are we ruined shepherd-folk to do?
Suppose we take our troubles into court;
You swear for me, and I will swear for you;
And so, by mutual oaths it's possible
We may most hap'ly pull each other through."
Ben-Ali-Sneezer, some months after met
The Sheik Bak-Gammon, and, inclined to sport,
The two sat down upon a cedar stump
To talk of their experiences in court.
,,
Ben-Ali quoth: "Them cows was thin as rails;
Now that they're gone, it's mighty glad I am!
Bak-Gammon said: "Now that the judgment's paid,
I don't mind telling you that the slaughtered lamb,
So far from being what you swore in court,
Was, by the great horned spoon, not worth a d—!”
Satire on the Ancient Fables.
Eugene Field, the original author of the modern fable series,
is one of the most versatile wits of the times. The following
are specimens of his modern fables:
An Impressario once Approached a Mule and offered him
Advantageous Terms to become a Prima Donna. "Alas!"
quoth the Mule, with a Sigh, "that is an Impossibility, for
234
WIT AND HUMOR.
A
though I have an Ear for Music iny Voice is Sadly Attuned."
"But you can Kick?" inquired the Impressario. "At kick-
ing," admitted the Mule, "I ain Positively Peerless." "Then,"
exclaimed the Impressario, "you have the Highest Qualifica-
tion of a Prima Donna. Consider yourself Engaged."
A Dog and his Tail fell into a Dispute as to which should Wag
the Other. An itinerant Wasp passing that Way casually Re-
marked: "Speaking of Tails, reminds me that I Possess one
which May possibly be Influential enough to Wag you Both.”
This fable Teaches that ten cents worth of Dynamite is a bigger
man than a Church Steeple.
Satire on the Old World's Ruins.
(From Eli Perkins Lecture in the Princeton College Lecture Course in 1882.)
My uncle Consider went to see the Prince of Wales while
he was here. They had a long talk, the Prince and Consider
did.
"How do you like our country-America?" asked my
uncle, as he held the Prince's hand tremblingly in his.
"It is great, Mr. Perkins-g-r-e-a-t. Europe with her 2,000
years of civilization only excels you in one thing."
"What is that, your Highness?"
"Alas! in her magnificent ruins, Mr. Perkins-"
"But, your Worshipful, we have a remedy for that. You
have old ruins in Germany and England, but we build our
houses very shabbily, and we shall soon have ruins-s-p-l-e-n-
d-i-d young ruins here, too. Look at Washington monument!
It looks like a y-o-u-n-g 1-u-i-n now. (Laughter.) Go to Mount
Vernon and see the crumbling tomb of the Father of our
Country. Go to Princeton and see the sidewalks."
"Yos, Mr. Perkins, I see the enterprize of you Americans
on the ruin question, but you cannot quite compete with us
yet. You have the crumbling tomb of the Father of your
Country but you have no Kenilworth; you have Washington
SATIRE AND RIDICULE.
235
monument but you have no Pantheon--no Coliseum - no
ruined Senate Hall, no
""
"But your worshipful has not seen all our ruined halls.
You have not seen our magnificent ruin of Tammany Hall. It
is beautiful to behold. It is the reward of virtue."
"Yes," continued my uncle, thoughtfully.
"We have
other and grander ruins than all of these. We have the ruins.
of a standing army-we have the ruins of aristocracy and
caste-we have the ruins of nullification and secession-and we
have that still grander ruin, the ruin of human slavery. (Ap-
plause.)
"We have the ruins of that old feudal law of entail and pri-
mogeniture-and we have the ruins of that stupendous policy
of you old world despots, the divine right of kings!
"Yes, Mr. Perkins," interrupted the Prince, as he laid his
hands on my uncle's shoulders and looked him straight in the
face" and on these ruins you have reared your magnificent
civilization. On these ruins you have reared a nation whose
sublime progress makes Europe look like a pigmy!
"And this," he continued, "is American Democracy. Alas!"
he continued to mourn, "if we had more of your republican
ruins-more ruins of slavery and despotism-more ruins of
aristocracy in place of our ruined towers and Pyramids,
Cathedrals and Coliseums, we would be better off!"
"3
Burdette's Satire on "The Home" in Weekly Newspapers.
Several newspapers, like the Detroit Free Press and Chicago
Tribune, have established a ladies' page in their Saturday's
edition, where all sorts of communications are printed from
lady subscribers. As a satire on this the Hawk-Eye estab-
lished what it calls "The Mushery." Under this heading
there recently appeared the following letters in the Hawk-Eye
236
WIT AND HUMOR.
THE MUSHERY.
From Minnie May, Aledo, Ill. Can any of the numer
ous contributors to "The Mushery" tell me how I can make a
rag carpet out of two pairs of old pantaloons, a linen vest, and
an old flannel night-gown, so it will cover a room fourteen by
sixteen feet? And how can I make a rag carpet so that it
cannot be detected from body Brussels?
From Henry S. T., Peoria. I would like to exchange
jack-knives, sight unseen, with any contributor to "The
Mushery." I have also a fine, large meat-hound, well trained
to look into the kitchen-door and dive for biscuit, that I will
exchange for farm property in Nebraska.
W
From Jennie Jessamine, Mount Pleasant, Ia. -Can the
editor of "The Mushery" or any of its contributors tell me
where to find that beautiful poem by Herbert Algernon
L'Awrence, in which occurs the tenderly charming lines:
"Oh, sweetling, sweetest of the sweetly sweet.”
From Bluebell, Monmouth, Ill. I see that another "young
mother" in "The Mushery" complains that her baby is suf
fering with a sore mouth, and that no medicine that she has used
does any good. I used the following perscription for our little
"Daisy." It was given me by an aged widow lady who has
had great experience with children: Take equal parts of
burnt alum, burnt borax,, nutmeg, loaf sugar, burnt leather,
oil of cloves, powdered chalk, ground ginger, burnt flannel,
teaspoonful of goose-grease, common salt, a little white-wine
vinegar and a pinch of snuff. Rub on in a dry powder with a
stiff tooth-brush.
From Honest John Thompson, Muscatine, Ia. -I would
like to learn how to paint in water colors and oil in six weeks
without a master. Cannot some of the contributors to "The
Mushery" tell me how I can do this?
Pliny C. Elderkin, Fort Madison, writes: I tenderly love
a beautiful girl who lives back near the hill in the house with
SATIRE AND RIDICULE.
237
the new porch. Can any one tell me what will take fresh
paint stains out of the foundation of a pair of broadcloth
pants?
From Mrs. A. L. C., Ottumwa. What will take ink stains
out of the face of a postage stamp?
From Eleanor Eldreth, Galesburg. Can any of the liter-
ary people of "The Mushery" tell me who is author of
Milton's "Paradise Lost?"
From Myrtle May, Oquarska. - How do you dye a pair of
black kids white, when you want to wear them to a wedding
two days after you go to a funeral.
Lewis' Satire on Divorce Law.
They were in to see a divorce lawyer yesterday - Mary
Ann and her mother. Mary Ann was a little embarrassed,
but the old woman was calm. When they spoke about a
breach-of-promise case the lawyer asked:
66
“What evidence have you got?"
Mary Ann, produce the letters," commanded the mother,
and the girl took the cover off a willow basket and remarked
that she thought 927 letters would do to begin on. The other
651 would be produced as soon as the case was fairly before
the court.
/
"And outside of these letters?" queried the lawyer.
"Mary Ann, produce your diary," said the mother. "Now
turn to the heading of Promises,' and tell how many times
this marriage business was talked over.”
.
"The footing is 214 times," answered the girl.
C
"Now turn to the heading of Darling,' and give us the
number of times he has applied the term to you.
"9
"If I have figured right, the total is 9,254 times."
•
"I guess you counted pretty straight, for you are good in
arithmetic. Now turn to the heading of 'Woodbine Cottage,'
238
WIT AND HUMOR.
and tell us how many times he has talked of such a home fo
you after marriage."
99
"The footing is 1,395 times.'
"Very well. This lawyer wants to be sure that we've
got a case. How many times has Charles Henry said he
would die for you?"
Three hundred and fifty," answered the girl as she turned
over a leaf.
"How many times has he called you an angel?"
""
"Over 11,000, mamma.
"How about squeezing hands?"
"Over 384,000 squeezes.
"And kisses?"
22
1
"Nearly 417,000."
"There's our case," said the mother, as she deposited basket
and diary on the lawyer's table. "Look over the documents,
and if you want anything further I can bring in a dozen neigh-
bors to swear to facts. We sue for $10,000 damages, and
we don't settle for less than an eighty-acre farm, with build-
ings in good repair. We'll call again next week - good
day, sir!"
Satire on the Growth of Aristocracy.
Eli Perkins.
His name was Ezra Green, Jr. He was a high-toned Nev
York Englishman, and he turned and cast upon me an "im
perial look.”
"I disdain a Yankee," he said in scorn.
I thought this was queer when I remembered that his father
and mother still live on Second avenue. over there where the
Fifth avenue fellows go to flirt with the girls Sunday after-
noons.
Alas! Ezra's father was once a tailor on Avenue II. Time
passed, and this respectable tailor grew to be a
MERCHANT
TAILOR,
SATIRE AND RIDICULE.
239
He
More time went on. Providence prospered Ezra, and his
coats fit well. IIe spent much of his feeble income in im
proved signs. One day I saw a flashy painter paint these
letters over his door:
•
EZRA GREEN,
MERCHANT Tailor and IMPORTER.
More time skipped along, the tailor moved up town, and I
saw Ezra raise the imperial arms of England and France on
each end of his sign. Then it read, in bright gilt letters--
English
Arms.
E. GREEN, IMPORTER,
PARIS, LONDON, NEW YORK.
French
Arms.
•
•
Alas! the poor "tailor" became smaller and smaller, until
it faded entirely away-and still Ezra made clothes.
One day a retired Broadway merchant saw the imposing
sign, and, stepping in, innocently asked Ezra the price of
exchange on London.”
((
The price of the which?" inquired Ezra, sticking his
shears behind his ears.
"O! I am mistaken.
You do not do bank business?"
Ezra said he made clothes for a good many bankers, but the
Broadway merchant slid away as if ashamed of his mistake.
Fortune smiled upon Ezra, affluence gilded his destiny, and
his clothes wore well. He rode in a liveried Landaulet, trav-
eled in foreign climes, reveled with the nobility in palaces
without exponding a cent outside for patching his pants. His
career was happy and glorious abroad, and his breeches never
ripped at home.
And now Ezra, Jr., has become a great swell. He is the
Dude of Dudes. IIe has a corner house on Fifth avenue, is
President of the Polo club, drives a tandem team at Newport
nd every night he adorns the front proscenium box at the
•
240
WIT AND HUMOR.
}
opera. He despises labor so much that when his coat loses a
button he goes into the clothes press where no mortal eye can
see him and-sews it on.
Virtue is its own reward. Alas-alas!
Satirical Banking Rules.
The following rules used in the 2d National Bank, New York,
are recommended to the attention of those who do business at
all banks. They will be the means of saving a great deal of
time and annoyance--by not following them:
If you have any business with a bank, put it off until two
o'clock, or, if it is possible, a little later, as it looks more busi-
ness-like to rush in just as the bank is closing.
In depositing money, try to get it upside down and wrong
end foremost, so that the teller may have a little exercise in
straightening it up before counting it.
It is best not to take your bank-book with you, but call at
another time to have it entered. You can thus make two trips
to the bank where one would answer.
If a check is made payable to your order, be careful not to
indorse it before handing it to the teller, but let him return it
to you and wait while you indorse it; this helps to pass the
time, and is a pleasure and relief to the teller.
You can generally save time when making a deposit by
counting your money down to the teller, as you can nearly
always count more speedily and correctly than he can.
When you make a deposit do not use a deposit ticket, but
mix indiscriminately together, checks and bills, since it facili-
tates matters exceedingly.
If you make a deposit of one hundred dollars, and give a
check for fifty dollars, it is a good thing to call frequently at
the bank and ask how your account stands, as it impresses the
officers favorably with your business qualifications.
!
SATIRE AND RIDICULE.
Never keep any record when your notes fall due, and then
if they are protested, censuro the bank for not giving you
notice.
241
Always date your checks ahead, it is a never-failing sign
that you keep a good balance in bank, or if you do not wish it
generally known that you are doing a good business, do not
deposit your money until about the time you expect your check
will be in.
A strict observance of the foregoing rules will make your
accounts desirable for any bank, and will make you a general
favorite with all the bank officers.
Eli on the Bear.
Coming up from Broad street in the cars yesterday, I met a
poor, disconsolate Wall street broker. His heart seemed
broken, and his face was the picture of despair. I had been
usher at his wedding a few months before, when he seemed the
picture of happiness; so, smiling, I asked:
66
Why, Charles, what has happened; what makes you look
so sad?"
"Oh, Eli!" he sighed, "I am all broken up. I have met
with a dreadful misfortune."
"What is it, Charley?" I asked sympathetically.
"O, Eli! Nellie, my dear wife, is dead!" and the he
broke down. Pretty soon he continued: "Yes, I'm all
broken up.
I don't take any interest in anything now. My
mind is constantly with my poor angel wife. I dream of her
all the time-in the morning and at night, and-by the way,
Eli, how did you say Erie closed to-night?
6
"Erie is down, and they are all off,' Charley."
"3
""
"Well, that's cheering," he sobbed, "for when I got 'short'
of Nellie, I went 'short' of the whole market, and it's very
consoling in my grief to find things looking so cheerful in the
street.
{
$43
WIT AND HUMOR.
Lewis' American Fables.
A Peasant who had often heard that Truth was a Jewel
İying at the bottom of a well, one day descended into his well
to search for the treasure. He skinned his knees and elbows,
barked his nose, run an old fork into his foot, and shivered
around for six long hours before his wife drew him up and
asked:
"What in Goodness name were you doing down there?"
"Looking for Truth."
"Why, I could have told you before you went down that
you were the biggest fool in America!"
Moral. You can get more Truth than you want around any
well-curb.
Eli Perkins' Satire on the Old-Time Kentucky Gentleman.
A gentleman is a mysterious being down in Kentucky. I've
often heard Kentuckians say, "By Gad, sah, I'm a gen'le-
man!" but I never knew what it meant till to-day. The clerk
of the Kentucky hotel met the passengers at the cars.
He was
soliciting customers for the hotel. He was a ponderous man,
and a handsome man, too, as are all Kentuckians. He did
not shout rudely, as do Northern porters:
"Burnett House! Carriage!"
"Palmer House! Free 'bus! ""
He simply walked up as if you were the guest of the city,
and remarked:
"Sah, I should be glad to show you to a hotel, sah; the
finest in the city-the Palace, sah! I'm a gen'leman, salı,
and I will treat you right."
I hesitated a little about handing my portmanteau to a seedy-
looking menial to carry, when the landlord said :
"Let him carry it, sah. He's a gen'leman; he'll take goog
care of it, sah; perfectly safe, sah."
SATIRE AND RIDICULE.
243
"Yes," remarked the landlord as we walked up the hill,
"that man carrying your bag is a gen'leman, sah. Why, salı,
he was once worth $200,000; had seventy niggers and 700
acres of the best blue-grass land in Kentucky.'
2)
"What became of it, sir?" I asked.
"Drank it all up, salı. Fast horses, and fast women and
whisky got away with it all, sah. And poker had a heap to
do with it, too. That man lost $4,000 and a 2 : 20 horse in one
night. Oh, sah, he's got gen'lemanly instincts, he has, sare's
yer bo❜ne. He's poor, and ragged, and dirty, and bloated
with whisky, and all falling to pieces like-a perfect wreck,
but he's a gen'leman! He won't steal your carpet-bag!"
White's Satire on Modern Love Stories.
One evening when Lucy's papa had come home from the
office and eaten his supper, he went into the parlor and planted
himself on the sofa. After he had been there a little while he
noticed that Lucy did not come in aud make a break at the
piano, as was her custom. This puzzled the old gentleman
greatly, but he was very happy, because the parents of girls
who play the piano usually feel like taking an axe to that in
strument. But pretty soon Lucy entered the room and began
telling her papa how much she loved him, and how dark and
cheerless her life would be in case he should be called above.
;
¡
This sort of talk made her papa feel rather solemn, for he
had been to the races a good deal and would occasionally go
out with the boys, and when a man gets on the shady side of
50 he doesn't particularly care to have people lug the "Sweet
By and By" into their conversation. But pretty soon Lucy
placed her lily-white hand on her papa's brow and began to
smooth his hair, saying how glad it would make her if she
could only smooth the furrows of care that time had placed
there. Then she artfully shifted the subject, and spoke of how
cold the weather was getting and what lovely sealskin sacques
244
WIT AND HUMOR.
she had seen in the store windows down town that afternoon.
Then her papa saw what she was up to, and dropped on
himself. So, by the time Lucy got around to that part of her
talk where she put her arms around his neck and kissed him,
and asked him to buy her a sealskin, he had neatly arranged
his lic. He told her of how poor the crops had been, and
that trade was in a very dull state because of the uncertainty
as to what office Ben Butler would want next, and sung such a
song that Lucy began to think she was lucky to have a place
to sleep in and a pair of heavy shoes for the winter.
"No, my child," he said, "I cannot think of spending three
hundred dollars for a sealskin sacque when times are so hard."
And Lucy said that she was sorry she had mentioned the sub-
ject, and went away feeling quite sorry for her
papa.
Soon after she had left the room her big brother came in.
"I saw that horse you were talking about," he said to his papa.
"Did you?" asked the old gentleman. "How fast can he
go?"
"Two-thirty,” replied the big brother, "and $1,000 will buy
him."
Rising quickly from the sofa, Lucy's papa wrote a check and
handed it to his son. "Go and close the trade tonight," he
said, "and tomorrow afternoon I will make some of these peo-
ple that think they own trotters look like hired men.”
}
So you see, children, that some papas think more of beating
two-forty than they do of making an only daughter happy.
The Honest Book Agent.
Atlanta Constitution.
"We had better understand each other," he said, deprecat-
ingly, as he shambled into the editorial room, "before we
begin. I'm a book agent."
Unmindful of the groan that met this statement he went on:
"I am not a white-haired philanthropist from New Haven,
who has come south through sympathy for your stricken people.
1
"

Sa
PRIDATO
OFFICE
JHMAVEN
WHAND
OFF
Fold
'I'm a fair, square, bald-headed book agent." (See page 245.)
7
SATIRE AND RIDICULE.
I'm a fair, square, bald-headed book agent." Encouraged by
the reception of this frank avowal, he took a seat, and, drop
ping his feet in a waste-basket, said :
"I'm not a retired clergyman, who seeks to scatter religious
instruction while he builds up his wornout frame in your balmy
clime. I'm not an apostle of art, who has consented to seek
your benighted region, and educate your people by parting
with a few picture books in parts. I'm not a temperance
lecturer from Bangor, who pays expenses by dispensing of lit-
erature on cominission while he regenerates the rum-sucker.
I'm not all of these-nor either. I'm an unmodified book
agent, with none of the corners rounded, running on cheek in
pursuit of tin."
"Here's candor, at least," remarked the young man who
writes the puffs of hardware stores.
"Yes, candor at best. I'm not a gilded shain. You don't
pick me up for a prince in disguise, or art or morality going
incog. I do not fly the skull and cross-bones hid behind a hol-
iday flag till I've grappled and boarded you. I've got the
regular old death's head nailed to the mast, and I'm a pirate
from keel to centre-board, and if you don't want that sert of
company blow me out of the water."
He had the whole force on deck at this point.
"I've got no off-hand preamble to my bloody work. I do
not lead you through flowery paths of ease to where I've got the
the trap sprung. I do not beguile with an anecdote, inspire
with eloquence, soothe with persuasion, or pique with local
gossip. I was not directed to you as a leader of culture or a
person who'd be likely to buy. I won't show you a list of
high-toned decoys who have put their names down to get rid
of me and to draw you in. I don't show the work I'm selling,
and I've never been able to learn the idiot's soliloquy that
explains the pictures.
Here he paused while the manager called for the cash boy.
"That's about the size of me and my business. The book's
99
WIT AND HUMOR..
sis
right here-fifty parts, 50 cents a part, plenty o' pictures and
big type for the reading, written by somebody or other, and
means $10 clear to me every time I work one off.
Do you
take, or do I go?"
By this time eleven copies of the first part were ordered, and
the 'eleven able' resumed their work, while the office boy
indites this tribute to a man who ain't ashamed of his little
racket.
Eli Perkins' Dudes.
There are three kinds of dudes in New York. There is the
inanimate rich dude who don't want to do a thing on earth
but exhibit himself. Then there is the poor dude, who dresses.
like the rich dude, and who wants to marry a rich girl and
board with her mother, and, lastly, there is the wicked club
house dude, who wastes his rich father's money, and then
marries four or five rich women, kills them off and lives off of
their estates.
The Poor Dude.
The poor dude wears the same one-barrelled eye-glass that
the rich dude does. He wears apparently the same high col-
lar, the same peaked-toed shoes, with drab tops, the same
English topcoat and the same embroidered kids, but when you
examine them closely they all prove to be an inferior imitation,
made on Sixth avenue. The poor dude don't have rooms at
Delinonico's. He rents a hall bedroom and eats when he is
invited. He goes to the opera on $1-stand-up-tickets, and then
goes and visits some rich young lady who is sitting in a $20
box. They always go to parties as escorts, the poor dudes do,
and let some rich young lady find the carriage.
I knew a poor New York dude whose pet theory for years
has been to marry a rich orphan girl with a bad cough--with
the consumption. One day he came into my room 'most
heartbroken.
"My pet theory is exploded, Eli." * he said, "I am dis-
** 7
SATIRE AND RIDIOULE,
couraged. I want to die." Then the tears rolled down his
cheek.
"What is it, Charley? O, what has happened?" I asked.
"Ohoooo, Eli," he sobbed, and then he broke down.
"But what is it, Charley? Confide in me," I said, my heart
almost breaking in sympathy with his bereavement.
66
Well, my friend, my dear friend, I will tell you all about
it.".
Then he leaned forward, took my hand tremblingly in his,
and told me his sad, sad story.
The other day, Eli," he said, "I met a very rich young
lady-the rich Miss Astor from Fifth avenue. She was very
wealthy-wore laces and diamonds-but, alas! she didn't have
any cough to go with them. She bad piles of money, but no
sign of a cough--no quick consumption—just my
luck!"
Then he buried his face in his hands. He wept long and
loud.
A
*
"What else, Charley?" I asked, after he had returned to
consciousness.
"Well, yesterday, Eli, I met a beautiful young lady from
Chicago. She was frail and delicate-had just the cough I
wanted--a low, hacking, musical cough. It was just sweet
music to listen to that girl's cough. I took her jeweled hand
in mine and asked her to be my bride; but, alas! in a fatal
moment I learned that she hadn't any money to go with her
cough, and I had to give her up. I lost her, O, I lost her ! "
And then the hot scalding tears trickled through his fingers
and rolled down on his patent leather boots.
Sad Refections.
A kind old father-in-law on Madison avenue, who is sup-.
porting four or five poor dudes as sons-in-law, went down to
see Barnum's Feejee cannibals.
65
Why are they called cannibals?" he asked of Mr. Barnum.
1
WIT AND HUMOR.
248
"Because they live off of other people,” replied the great
showman.
? 'Oh, I see," replied the unhappy father-in-law. "Alas!
my four dude sons-in-law are cannibals, too-they live off of
me."
""
Eli Perkins' Rich Dude.
The rich and wicked New York dudes!
I do not mean the harmless Fifth avenue dude the dude
who sits like a plaster cast around the swell Knickerbocker
Club. I do not mean the dawdling dude, who wears the high
collar, the English top-coat, the tight trousers, and the lemon-
colored gaiter tops. I mean the wicked dude-a brother of
the simple dude.
Who are these wicked dudes ?
T
Why, New York city is full of them. They have rich
fathers; they drive their father's horses; their fathers are
stockholders in the Academy, and the boys occupy the seats.
Their mission is to spend their father's money and live like
barnacles on his reputation. They don't know how to do any-
thing useful, and they don't have anything useful to do. They
come into the world to be supported. They are social and
financial parasites. A poor dude does the best he can, but
these fellows do the worst they can.
Rich girls "go for" them on account of their rich fathers.
They marry them, have a swell wedding, and then spend a
lifetime mourning that they did not marry a brave, strong,
working fellow, who would have felt rich in their affections,
and who, with a little help from father-in-law, would have
hewn his way to wealth and position.
Rules for Making Rich Dudes.
Below I give ten cardinal rules, which, if followed, will
make a rich dude out of any brainless son of a rich father.
Any young New Jersey Stockton, Kentucky Ward or Massa
249
SATIRE AND RIDICULE.
chusetts Lawrence- yes, any Darnphool Republican Prince of
Wales can carry out these simple rules, and thus attain to the
glorious position of a rich dude. If carried out they will pro-
duce the same result nine times out of ten. I have seen them
tried a thousand times.
Rules.
First. If your father is rich or holds a high position socially
and you are a good-for-nothing, dissipated darnphool of a
swell, without sense or character enough to make a living, pay
your addresses to some rich girl- and marry her, if you can.
Second Go home and live with her father, and magnani-
mously spend her money. Keep up your flirtations around
town just the same. Gamble a little, and always dine at the
clubs.
Third. After you wife has nursed you through a spell of
sickness, and she looks languid and worn with anxiety, tell
her, like a high-toned gentleman, that she has grown plain-
looking; then scold her a little and make love to her maid.
Fourth. If your weary wife objects, I'd insult her— tell her
you won't be tyrannized over. Then come home drunk once
or twice a week and empty the coal-scuttle into the piano, and
pour the kerosene lamps over her Saratoga trunk and into
baby's cradle. When she cries I'd twit her about the high
(hic) social position of my own (hic) family.
Fifth-If, weary and sick and heartbroken, she finally asks
for a separation, I'd blacken her character-deny the paternity
of my own children-get a divorce myself. Then by wise
American law you can keep all her money, and, while she
goes back in sorrow to her father, you can nagnanimously
peddle out to her a small dowry from her own estate.
Sixtlı-If she asks you-audaciously asks you---for any of
her own money, tell her to go to the dev-devil (the very one
she has come to).
Seventh-Now I'd keep a mistress and a poodle dog, and
WIT AND HUMOR.
250
•
ride up to the park with them in a gilded landaulet every
afternoon. While this miserable, misguided woman will be
trodden in the dust by society you can attain to the heights of
modern chivalry by leading at charity balls in public and
breeding bull pups and coach dogs at home.
Eighth-After you have used up your wife's last money in
dissipation, and brought your father's gray hairs down in
sorrow to the grave, I'd get the delirium tremens and shoot
nyself. This will create a sensation in the newspapers and
cause every other rich dude to call you high-toned and chiv-
alrous.
Ninth-Then that poor angel wife, crushed in spirit, tried
in the crucible of adversity, and purified by the beautiful “Do-
unto-others" of the Christ-child, will go into mourning, and
build with her last money a monument to the memory of the
man who crushed her bleeding heart.

SACRED TO THE MEMORY
OF
J. LAWRENCE DUDE.
Died May 12, 1886.
He was a kind father and
indulgent husband. He al-
ways indulged himself.
"The pure in spirit shall see
God."
He wore the tightest trous-
ers, the peakedest shoes, and
the highest collar on the block.
THE DUDE'S MONUMENT,
SATIRE AND RIDICULE.
19 and 26.
Below I give the diary of two days in the life of a New
York coquette. At nineteen she is honest, lovable and inno-
cent. Seven years after she becomes a heartless woman of
the world, a blasé flirt.
HER DIARY 1883.
May 1, 1883. -Nineteen today - and I'm too happy to
live! How lovely the park looked this morning. How
gracefully the swans swam on the lake, and how the yellow
dandelions lifted up their yellow faces all smiles!
—
Albert dear Albert - passed mamma and me, and bowed
so gracefully! Mamma frowned at him. O, dear! I am not
quite happy.
Last night my first ball, and Albert was there. Four times
he came, and I let him put his name on my card- then
mamma frowned savagely. She said I ought to be ashamed
to waste my time with a poor fellow like Albert Sinclair.
Then she brought up old Thompson, that horrid rich old
widower, and I had to scratch Albert's name off. When
Albert saw me dancing with Thompson the color came to his
cheeks, and he only just touched the ends of my fingers in
the grand chain.
O, dear, one of Albert's little fingers is worth more than
old Thompson's right arm. How stupidly old Thompson
talked, but mamma smiled all the time.
Once she tipped me on the shoulder, and said in a low,
harsh voice, "Be agreeable, Lizzie, for Mr. Thompson is a
great catch." Then Thompson, the stupid old fool, tried to
talk like the young fellows. He told me I looked "stunning,"
said the ball was a "swell" affair, and then asked me to ride
up to the park in his four-horse drag. Bah! Mother says I
must go, but, O, dear, I'd rather walk two blocks with Albert
than ride ten miles in a chariot with the old dyed whiskers.
WIT AND HUMOR.
252
After supper such an event took place. Albert joined me,
and after a lovely waltz we wandered into the conservatory
and had a nice confidential chat together. It is wonderful
how we both like the same things. He admires the beauti-
ful moon
so do I. I love the stars, and so does he! We
both like to look out of the open window, and we both like to
be near each other- that is, I know I do.
that is, I know I do. Albert dotes on
Longfellow, and, O, don't I! I like Poe, and so does Albert,
and the little tears fairly started (but Albert didn't see them)
when he repeated softly in my ear :
"For the moon never beams, without bringing me dreams,
Of my beautiful Annabel Lee;
And the stars never rise, but I feel the bright eyes
Of my beautiful Annabel Lee,”
—and a good deal more besides, about love and the sounding
sea. Then Fannie Carter, who is in my class at Mrs. Hoff-
man's, came by with Will Mason, and sat right down in the
next window. I do believe she loves him!
What a nice, sensible talk Albert and I had! First, we
began talking about the soul how destiny sometimes bound
two souls together by an invisible chain. Then we considered
the mission of man and woman upon the earth-how they
ought to comfort and support each other in sickness and in
health. And then Albert quite startled me by asking me if I
had ever cared for any one. And when I said "Yes, papa
and mamma," he laughed, and said he did not mean them, and
then I felt quite hurt, and the tears would come into my eyes,
for I do love mamma, even if she does make me dance with
that horrid old Thompson, with his dyed whiskers.
Then Albert leaned his face toward mine. I felt his mus
tache almost touch me as he whispered such nice words in
my car.
He told me how he had longed for an opportunity
to speak to me alone, how--and then I was so happy, for I
knew he was going to say something very nice indeed-
D
253
SATIRE AND RIDICULE
when ma, with that dreadful old widower, came along and
interrupted us.
"Come, Lizzie, you go with Mr. Thompson, for I want to
present Mr. Sinclair to Miss Brown," and then ma-O, dear!
she took Albert and presented him to the girl that I hate worst
of anybody in school. I didn't see Albert again, for when he
came around, ma said, "Lizzie, it looks horrible to be seen
dancing with Albert Sinclair all the evening. You ought to
be ashamed of yourself."
O, dear, I look like a fright-I know I do, but I do hope I
shall look better when I see Albert on the avenue tomorrow.
Let's see-I wonder if he won't write to me? But I'll see him
when he walks up from business tonight-maybe.
HER DIARY-1890.
May 1, 1890.-Out again last night. What a horrible bore
parties are! I hate society. New York women are so prud-
ish, with their atrocious high-neck dresses, and the fellows are
so wretchedly slow. O, dear! Everything goes wrong. If I
hadn't met Bob Munroe, who took us to the Mabille and the
Alhambra, on the other side last summer, I'd 'a' died. Bob's
double entendre rather startled the poky New York girls,
though. Gracious, they ought to hear the French beaux talk!
They do make such a fuss about our Paris décolleté dresses.
Why, Bessie Brown wore a dress at a Queen's Drawing Room
with hardly any body on at all-and she had that same dress
on last night. Of course I could not stand any chance with
her, for decolleté dresses do take the fellows so. But I'll be on
hand next time.
Young Sinclair, with whom I used to "spoon" years ago,
was there--and married to Fannie Carter, my old classmate.
Pshaw! she is a poky, old, highnecked, married woman now,
and Sinclair-well, they say that he was almost broken-hearted
at my conduct--that he drank, and then reformed and joined
the church, and is now a leading clergyman. Well, I'm glad
WIT AND HUMOR.
251
Sinclair became a preacher. I always knew black would be-
come his complexion. What if I should go and hear him
preach, flirt with him a little, and get his poky old wife
jealous! Goodness! but don't he look serious, though!
There's a glass-gracious! I'm as pale as a ghost! There's
no use of my trying to dress without rouge, I do wish they
would learn how to put on pearl white here-why, every
wrinkle shows through. Then I do wish New York fellows
would learn how to dance!-that atrocious galop upset my
pads, and I had to leave in the middle of the dance to arrange
things. Old Thompson is dead, died single-but his brother,
the rich whiskey man, was there, and gracious! it was fun to
dance with him after he had taken in his usual two bottles of
champagne. He turned everything-the lanciers, polka, ana
all-into the Virginia reel. That's Bob Monroe's pun. But
after we got through dancing, didn't I have a flirtation with
Old Thompson No. 2 while Albert Sinclair was helping mother
to some refreshments! Dear old thing, she don't bother me
in my conservatory flirtation any more. Well, Old Thompson
No. 2 got quite affectionate--wanted to kiss my hand, and
when I let him he wanted to kiss me! The old wretch-when
he's got a wife and three daughters. But I had my fun-I
made him propose conditionally-that is, if Mrs. Thompson
dies; and I tell ma then I'm going to be one of our gay and
dashing young wives with an old fool of a husband-and
plenty of lovers. O, dear! I'm tired and sleepy and I do
believe my head aches awfully, and it's that abominable cham-
pagne. What goosies Fannie Carter and Albert Sinclair have
made of themselves! What fun can she have with the men?
O, dear!
Ridicule
Melville D. Landon, A.M.
*
Ridicule is pure wit. It consists in exaggerating man's
statement or argument so as to make it appear absurd or ridig
*See Chapter on Humor.
255
SATIRE AND RIDICULE.
ulous. Ridicule is the strong weapon of the lawyer. Ingersoll
ridicules orthodoxy by overdrawing pictures of orthodoxy. For
instance, Ingersoll takes the Christian church of 800 years ago,
when the people of England and Spain were semi-barbarous
when every man went round encased in armor, with a spear in
one hand and a battle-axe in the other-when lecherous
Henry the VIII was boring Christian eyes out in England and
the Spanish inquisitorial kings were quartering Christians in
Spain. I say he takes the church of the barbarous inquisition
and puts it down in front of our young men of today. Then
he points to a Catholic partisan boring a real Christian's eyes
out, and says, “Now, young men, do you want to belong to
any such shaky old church as that?" He even makes us laugh
at that old church. He ridicules it. Then he says that is the
present church, and wants you to laugh at the church of today.
*
*
V
*
To ridicule a man's ideas you simply want to exaggerate
them. That is the way Ingersoll ridicules Christianity. To
illustrate how you can ridicule a man's false ideas :
One day I met George Francis Train in Madison square, sur
rounded by children. Dr. Hammond had told me that ridicule
was an infallible test for insanity-that if a man got mad at a
harmless joke, a joke with no animus in it, it was a pretty sure
sign of insanity.
"Do you see these hands?" commenced George, as he always
does. "See the blood run into them. There's health for
you! All this comes from vegetable diet, sir. No meat for
me. I eat nothing but vegetables. Vegetables make muscle,
sinew, strength, manhood."
،
"Yes, George,” I said, "you're right. Meat is weakening.
I always notice all the strong animals live on vegetables.
There's the weak lion and the tender panther, they live on
vegetables; and there's the sturdy sheep, the hardy goose, the
savage calf, the wild and ravenous jackass, they live on meat
entirely. They—
""
*
*
WIT AND HUMOR.
250
"It always makes me mad to talk to an infernal fool," said
Train, coloring up, while he turned on his heel and left in a
huff.
Then I knew George Francis was insane.
*
X
*
*
*
To show you how you can always ridicule a man, when you
cannot answer him, I will tell you a little incident which Mr.
Lewis says happened down in a Mississippi railroad eating
house:
*
"Them sandwiches are enough to kill a dog!”
"What sandwiches?"
Among the passengers who rushed in from the train to get
a twenty-minutes dinner was a fault-finding gentleman, who,
as usual, had made his mind up to say something unpleasant
when he came to pay for his meal. He was growling when he
went in and he growled all the while he was eating, and when
he slouched up to the desk to pay his seventy-five cents he
broke out with :
"Why, them on the table."
"But we have no sandwiches on the table, sir," protested
the landlord.
"You didn't try to eat one of those?"
"Yes, I did!"
"You haven't? Well, I should like to know what you cail
them roasted brick-bats on that blue platter?"
"Then, my friend, you had better go for a doctor at once!
Those are table ornaments, made of terra-cotta, and were
placed there to help fill up space! Land of cats! but you must
have lived in a cane-brake all your life!"
The traveler rushed into the car and began to drain a
brandy-flask, and he didn't get over looking pale for three
hours.
And they were sandwiches after all, said Mr. Lewis-real
good ham sandwiches made that day. The landlord had
adopted that particular style of ridicule instead of using a club.
257
SATIRE AND HIDICUL.FL.
Satirical Advice on Etiquette.
Eli Perkins,
Engage in an argument with every person you meet.
Never listen to the other person, for if you do you may for-
get what you want to say yourself.
Always talk of your private, personal and family matters
while conversing with strangers. They like to listen to long
accounts of how you had the rheumatisın.
If you are a professional inan, always discuss professional
matters in the presence of non-professionals.
If a person makes a mistake in grammar, or calls a word
wrong, always correct him, especially if there are several peo-
ple around to hear you.
If a man has a glass eye, a wooden leg, or a wig, always
refer to it.
Never talk in a mild, gentle and musical voice, but toot up
high and loud. Drown other people's voices if you can't
drown their ideas.
When a man is talking let your eyes and mind wander about
the room, and when he gets through ask him to repeat what
he said again.
If with a stranger, always use profanity and vulgar words.
You will be surprised how it will change their estimation of
you.
Insist on talking about subjects that the rest of the company
have never heard anything about. If you can't find a foreign
subject like Europe, or what you did in college, pick out the
prettiest girl in the room and whisper to her.
Always make fun of the locality where you are staying. It
you can't do that, ridicule or abuse some of the leading citi
zens. A son or a daughter may be present, and they will like
to hear you ridicule their old father.
Always pretend to great gentility yourself, and ridicule peo-
ple who came up from a modest beginning. If you can't say
WIT AND HUMOR.
258
that your ancestors belonged to some notable family, make a
strong point of being acquainted with a great many distin-
guished people yourself, and constantly refer to the time when
you were in college.
Ridiculing the "Swell" Soldiers.
Eli Perkins.
I was charmed by our swell Seventh Regiment when it came
to Saratoga. Every man wore white pantaloons, white kids,
English side whiskers, and parted his hair in the middle.
"Don't they look too sweet for anything!" exclaimed all
the young ladies at once, as the boys came onto the hotel
balconies.
The only indignity the handsome fellows suffered was when
Col. Clarke wanted to borrow some nut crackers from the
hotel, and Mr. Marvin objected, because he said it wouldn't
do to let the regiment have them.
“Why don't you
"Why?" asked Col. Clarke, indignantly.
lend the boys the nut crackers?"
"Because it's dangerous," said Mr. Marvin.
"How dangerous?"
"Why, Colonel," said Mr. Marvin, as he wiped his head
with a red bandana handkerchief, "don't you know that when
the boys crack the nuts they'll be liable to burst the sheli
against the kernel ? ”
But the sweetest thing of all was the polite dress-parade in
front of the hotel for the ladies, who were kept back by a guard
of white satin ribbon.
Before going through the manual of arms, Col. Clarke
bowed to and shook hands with every member of the regi-
ment-and then commenced the polite drill as follows:
Attention, if you please, gentlemen! Ah! (takes off his
hat and bows sweetly) thank you !
Will you be kind enough to shoulder arms? Thanks (smil
ing and bowing with hat in hand), gentlemen, thanks f
259
SATIRE AND RIDICULE,
:
Will you now favor me by ordering arms? Ah, thanke,
gentlemen!
If it is not asking too much, will you now be kind enough
to order arms again? Ah-thanks--(bowing very low and.
taking off hat) you are very kind!
I hope, if not too fatiguing, that you will now be kind
enough to present arms! Ah-very good (smiles sweetly), I'm
too much obliged to you!
If agreeable to you, will you shoulder arms, please? You
are ah, very kind-(bowing)--I'm so much obliged to you!
If not too much fatigued, gentlemen, might I ask you to
order arms? Thanks, gentlemen! Ah! you're very kind!
(Bows very low and salutes regiment.)
You are now dismissed, gentlemen! (Bows profoundly.)
I'mah awfully obliged to you. If agreeable to you, ah
--meet you again to morrow evening! Good-day, gentle-
men! (Bows and shakes hands all around, while the soldiers
return to flirt with the young ladies on the balconies.)
KamanĽA
Eli Perkins ridiculing the " Shoddyites" who buy
Big Diamonds.
Since they have discovered diamonds in Africa they are
getting too common on Fifth avenue to be even noticed. One
young, rich lady wears finger-ring diamonds in her hair. A
Chicago lady, staying at the Fifth Avenue, alleged to have
lived with her present husband two weeks without getting a
divorce, wears diamond dress-buttons; and even one of the
colored waiters-an African, too, right from the mines-
showed me a diamond weighing thirty-seven pounds, which he
offered to sell me in the rough for $4 a clear indication that
even the Africans don't appreciate the treasure they have
found.
Ap
This morning a lady from Oil City went into Tiffany's great
jewelry store and said she desired to purchase a diamond.
WIT AND HUMOR,
280
"I understand solitaire diamonds are the best, Mr. Tiffany,"
she said, "please show me some of them."
"Here is a nice solitaire," answered the silver-haired dia-
mond prince. "How do you like it?"
،.
Putty well," said the rich lady, revolving it in her fingers.
"It shines well, but are you sure it is a solitaire, Mr. Tif
fany?"
"Why, of course, madame."
"Wall, now, if you will warrant it to be a real, genuine
solitaire, Mr. Tiffany, I don't mind buying it for my daughter
Julia-and-come to think," she continued, as she buttoned
her six-button kid-gloves and took her parasol to leave, “if
you've got five or six more real, genuine solitaires just like
this one, I don't mind takin' 'em ali so as to make a big soli-
taire cluster for myself."
"Yes, madame, we'll guarantee it to be a real solitaire,
smilingly replied Mr. Tiffany, and then the head of the house
went up to his private office, and in the presence of four hun-
dred clerks sat down and wrote his official guarantee that the
diamond named was a genuine solitaire. As the lady bore the
certificate from the big jewelry palace she observed to herself:
"There's nothing like knowing you've got the real, genuine
thing. It's really so satisfyin' to feel sure!"
But that evening her fiendish husband refused to buy the
diamonds" and then this beautiful woman," said Mr. Tif-
fany, "all dressed up in silks, and laces, and garnet earrings
cut on a bias sat down in the hotel parlor and had to refuse
to go to a party at Mrs. Witherington's because her jewels did
not match her polonaise !"
""
“O dear!” said the great jeweler, and in the fullness of his
grief he poured a coal-scuttle into a case full of diamonds,
and watches, and silver spoons, and a basket full of diamonds,
and pearls and garnets into the coal stove!
13
REPARTEE.
Many Laugh-Provoking Examples.
Eschines Greek Jukes translated by Melville D. Landon, A.M. (Eli Perkins).
We find much splendid repartee in the writings of Eschines,
Diogenes, Plato and Aristippus. It is hard to translate it,
and not have it lose its force, but I give below a free transla-
tion of some of the best repartee in the old Greek:
One day, the tyrant Dioysius asked Aristippus, a pupil of
Socrates, but a cringing toady to the King, "Why do you
philosophers always come to the rich, while the rich never,
never return your calls?"
"Because," said Aristippus, "we philosophers want money
which the rich can give us, but the rich want brains which we
can't give them, even if they do return our visits.”
Croesus, a rich but illiterate Athenian, brought his stupid
son to Aristippus to be educated.
"How much will you charge to make my boy a scholar?"
he asked.
"How much?" mused Aristippus, as he put his hand on the
boy's low forehead. "How much? Why about five hundred
drachmas."
"Why,
"Five hundred drachmas !" exclaimed Croesus.
that is too dear. Why with that I could buy a slave."
"Then go and buy a slave," said Aristippus, "and you'll
have twins, you'll have a pair of them."
"Bat how will it benefit my son five hundred drachmas
worth?" asked the shoddy Greek.
261
WIT AND HUMOR,
262
66
Why, if he gets no other good when he goes to the theater
you can tell your blockhead boy from the wooden benchos."*
One day when Dionysius asked Aristippus why he came to
him so much for?
"Why, I come to exchange something which I have for
something which you have."
"What is that?"
"Why, I come to trade brains for money!"
One Greek writer, schines, says Aristippus said "When I
want wisdom I go to Secrates but when I want money, I
come to you."
K
Alex. Stevens' Repartee.
A. H. Stephens is said to weigh but seventy-four pounds;
yet, he was always considered in the South as a man of weight.
Mr. Stephens once severely worsted a gigantic Western op-
ponent in debate.
The big fellow, looking down on Stephens, burst out, "You!
why, I could swallow you - whole."
"If you did," answered the latter, "you would have more
brains in your bowels than ever you had in your head."
Oscar Wilde Demolished.
Oscar, the long haired esthete, was delivering himself of an
eloquent tirade against the invasion of the sacred domain of art
by the meaner herd of trades-people and miscellaneous no
bodies, and finally, rising to an Alpine height of scerr, ex
claimed,
66
Ay, all of you here are Philistines-mere Philistines !**
"Yes," said an old gentleman, softly, "we are Philistines.
and I suppose that is why we are being assaulted with the jaw
bone of an ass."
17
*The literal Greek reply was "he will not be one stone setting on
another The seats of the Athenian theater were of stone.
2632
RUPARTEE.
Gen. Carey Worsted.
"You can not keep me down," shouted Gen. Sam Carey,
the great Ohio orator, at a public meeting; "though I may be
pressed below the waves I rise again; you will find that I
come to the surface, gentlemen."
"Yes," said an old whaler in the audience, "you come to
the surface to blow."
Very Gentle Repartee.
Eli Perkins.
Oliver Wendell Holmes and John G. Saxe were once talking
about brain fever.
“I once had a very severe attack of brain fever myself,"
said Mr. Saxe.
"How could you have brain fever?" asked Mr. Holmes,
smiling. "It is only strong brains that have brain fever."
"How did you find that out?" asked Saxe.
Scotch Repartee.
A Scotchman complained that he had got a ringing in his
head.
"Do ye ken the reason o' that?" asked his friend.
"No."
"I'll tell ye--it's because it's empty."
“And ha'e ye never a ringing in your head?" asked the
other.
"No, never.
“And do ye ken the reason?-because it's cracked."
99
"
What Is Repartee?
Melville D. Landon, A. M.
Repartee is a sudden flash. It is turning a current of
thought in an opposite direction. It is the upsetting of a
train of thought. It is really deforming a thought. Repartee
WIT AND HUMOR.
is a case where one speaker makes a piain statement, aimed
in a certain direction, which a hearer collides with and reversos
so as to shoot straight back at the speaker.
"What I want," said a pompous orator, aiming at his
antagonist, "is good common sense."
Exactly," was the whispered reply, "that's just what you
(6
need."
Repartee is often very unkind, but its unkindness is excusa-
ble when the person indulging in it has been attacked. For
instance, Abernethey, the famous surgeon, swore violently at
a poor Irish paver who had piled some paving-stones on the
Doctor's sidewalk.
"Remove them! away with them!" screamed Abernethy
with an oath.
"But where shall I take them to?" asked Pat.
"To hell with them!" exclaimed the Doctor.
"Hadn't I better take then to heaven? Sure, and they'd
be more out of your honor's way there," said Pat, as he leaned
on his spade.
An instance of unkind repartee is recorded of Charles
Lamb:
One day a loving mother brought her beautiful golden-
haired baby into dinner in her arras. She was very proud of
her sweet babe, and, holding it up with pride and joy in her
eyes, she said:
"Mr. Lamb, how do you like babies?"
"I like 'em boiled, madam --boiled!
""
Of course that mother never loved Mr. Lamb after that.
The finest piece of repartee in the English language is the
instance where two Irishmen were walking under the gibbet
of Newgate. Looking up at the gibbet, one of them remarked :
Ah, Pat, where would you be if the gibbet had done its
duty ?"
66
"Faith, Flannagan," said Pat, "and I'd be walking Lon
don-all alone!”
>

<<
3
Hadn't I better take them to heaven ?"
more out of your honor's way there."
"Sure, and they'd be
(See page 264.)
REPARTEE,
263
A mild species of repartee was the reply of Charles James
Fox to a man who kept dunning him for a small debt:
"I beg your pardon, Mr. Fox," said the dunner, "but you
know I have waited a long while. Still, I do not want to
make the time of payment inconvenient to you. I only desire
you will fix upon some day certain in the future when you
will pay."
66
"That is very kind of you," responded Fox, and I will
accede to your request with pleasure. Suppose we name the
Day of Judgment. But stop! that will be a very busy dav
for you; suppose we say the day after."
}
A fine bit of repartce is attributed to Douglas Jerrold :
Have you seen my Descent Into Hell?" inquired an
author, a great bore, who had written a book with a fiery title.
"No," replied Douglas Jerrold, "but I should like to."
BULL, BLUNDER AND PARADOX.
Paradox-American Bulls-Remarkable Blunders.
Mr. Gough once asked an Irishman if he ever saw a teetot-
aller drunk?
"Och!" replied Paddy, with earnestness, "I've seen many
a man drunk, but I couldn't tell whether he was a teetotaller or
not."
Shopping Blunders.
Eli Perkins.
"Can you show me something pretty in scarfs?" he asked
of one of the rosy-cheeked sales ladies at Macy's.
66
O, yes, sir; here's soine blue satins for a dollar--just two
sweet for anything."
"I think you are a little dear," he said, with a pleasant
smile.
"You are very complimentary," she said, her cheeks covered
with a crimson blush.
When he thought how he had been misunderstood he
blushed and staminered:
"O, I beg pardon, Miss, I didn't mean to say you were a
little dear. I meant-
ور
"Never mind, there are plenty of young men who do think
so, sir! Good morning!"
66
Servants' Blunders.
Mrs. Howard Hinckle, a Cincinnati lady, has recently had a
remarkable experience with a new Irish girl:
(0 we must have some
Biddy," said she, one evening,
sausages for tea this evening, I expect company."
266
""
}
BULL. BLUNDER AND PARADOX.
207
"Yes, ma'am."
Tea time arrived, and with it the company; the table was
spread, the tea was simmering, but no sausages appeared.
"Where are the sausages, Biddy?" inquired Mrs. Hinckle.
"And sure they're in the tay-pot, ma'am! Didn't you tell
me we must have 'em for tay?"
Which Blundered?
Ell Perkins.
"Is any one waiting on you?" asked the handsome young
fellow at the counter of one of our up town stores, of a young
lady from the country.
66
"Yes," she replied, blushing crimson.
waiting on me for over a year and——”
"I mean," stammered the young man, "is there any one
waiting on you in this store?"
((
Well-ah, not yet," she said looking up archly, "but
"Shall I have the pleasure of waiting on you then?" he
asked smilingly.
"I've had a fellow
2
"O-al-well-you are very kind, thank you," she said
blushing scarlet, "but perhaps you are engaged?"
O no I'm not engaged. I can wait on you now just as
well as not."
"Well, I don't know that it would be right," she said
blushingly, "I'm about halfway engaged myself. That is John
---he's gone to California now, but just before he left he asked
""
me
"
"O, my dear girl, you're mistaken --"
"No, no, there's no mistake," she said sadly. "Johr, I
expect, really considers that we are engaged. Now," she
said with a puzzled look, "do you really think it would be
right to let any other young man wait on me during John's
abeenee? If you think so
""
"My dear, dear girl, it's all a blunder! It's
268
WIT AND HUMOR.
"Then you don't want to wait on me?" she interrupted
poutingly.
"Why, yes-no-con-found it!" and he fell fainting on the
floor.
When last seen she was fanning him and telling him to
cheer up and she would dismiss John-perhaps.
Bulls, Blunders and Repartee.
Melville D. Landon, A.M.
Repartee is an intended bull or blunder. Repartee is
always hurled at some other person; while the bull or blunder
is against the speaker himself. Repartee is in the active
transitive, while the bull or blunder is in the passivo. Repartee
cuts like a two-edged sword, while the bull or blunder is
purely innocent. One causes the laugh of derision, while the
other causes the laugh of amusement. As an instance of the
innocent bull or blunder, I give from the pen of Mr. Alexander
Sweet:
"Why didn't you deliver that message as I gave it to you?"
asked an Austin gentleman of his stupid servant.
"I did de best I could, boss."
"You did the best you could, did you?" imitating voice
and look. "So you did the best you could. If I had known
that I was sending a donkey, I would have gone myself."
As an instance of unkind repartee or retort, I give Mr.
Charles Lamb's reply to the kind mother, whose guest he was:
One day, a loving mother came into a dinner to which
Charles Lamb was invited, dandiing her beautiful baby in her
arnis.
"How do you like babies, Mr. Lamb?" asked the fond
mother, lifting the baby up and down with great pride.
"I like 'em b-b-boiled, madam, BOILED!" exclaimed Mr.
Lamb.
Bulls or blunders are akin to the paradox, but they are no
the same. A paradox states a logical impossibility, while a
bull is a thoughtless blunder. When they were talking about
BULL, BLUNDER AND PAR: DOX.
269
the barefooted peasantry of Ireland and the society of leather,
Sir Boyle Roache, the Irish baronet, said:
66
If leather is so dear, gentlemen, why can't we make the
under leather of wood?"
This is a blunder. In his confusion of ideas, Sir Boyle used
"leather" in place of "sole."
Again, an Irishman, with a heavy bundle on his shoulders,
riding on the front of a horse-car, was asked why he did not
set his bundle down on the platform. "Be jabers," said Pat,
"the horses have enough to drag me; I'll carry the bundle."
Sir Boyle once wrote the following resolution in regard to
the new jail in Dublin :
"Resolved, that the new prison shall be built on the site,
and with the materials of the old one, and that the prisoners
shall continue to reside in the old prison until the new one is
completed.'
""
Once, when a member of parliament stated, on a money
grant, that it was unjust to saddle posterity with a debt in-
curred to benefit the present, Sir Boyle rose and said :·
(4
Why should we beggar ourselves to benefit posterity?
What has posterity done for us?" The laugh which followed
rather surprised him, as he was unconscious of his blunder.
He explained:
'Sir, by posterity I do not mean our ancestors, but those
who come immediately after them.”
And it was Sir Boyle who said: "Single misfortunes never
come alone, and the greatest of all possible misfortunes is gen-
erally followed by a much greater.
Fearing the progress of revolutionary opinions, Sir Boyle
drew a frightful picture of the future, remarking that the house
of commons might be invaded by ruffians who, said he, "would
cut us to mince meat and throw our bleeding heads on that
table, to stare us in the face.”
On another occasion Sir Boyle was arguing for the habeas
corpus suspension bill in Ireland: "It would surely be better,
1.
470
WTT AND HUMOR-
Mr. Speaker," said he, "to give up not only a part, but, il ne
cessary, even the whole of our constitution, to preserve the
remainder!"
Bulls are caused by the person answering a question without
thought. Now, in the following case, the listener thought the
questioner had asked about cold weather, instead of about cold
summers : "Did ye ever know such a cold summer as this?
asked Mike of a fellow Irishman.
""
"Yes," answered Pat.
"When?"
"Last winter, be jabers."
Here is another:
"Bridget, I wish you would go and see how old Mrs. Jones
is this morning."
Bridget returned in a few minutes with the imformation that
Mrs. Jones was 72 years, 10 months and 8 days old.
Often public speakers whose minds are not on their long
sentences make a paradox or bull. A German orator once
said: "There is no man or child in this vast assembly who has
arrived at the age of 50 years, that has not felt the truth of this
mighty subject thundering through his mind for centuries."
John B. Gough once said solemnly to an audience: "Par-
ents, you may have children, or, if not, your daughters may
have."
د
Again: A physician once boasted to Sir Henry Halford: “I
was the first to discover Asiatic cholera and communicate it to
the public."
Mrs. Partington's Blunders,
The Partington papers had a great run about twenty years
ago. The fun of them consisted in an old woman getting the
meaning of a word wrong or in pronouncing the word wrong.
For instance:
When Mrs. Partington read in the Boston Globe that at the
BULL, BLUNDER AND PARADOX.
271
Music Hall the "Prayer of Moses" was executed on one string,
she remarked:
"The Prayer of Moses executed on one string! Praying,
I s'pose, to be cut down. Poor Moses!" she sighed, "executed
on one string! Well, I don't know as I ever heard of anybody
being executed on two strings, unless the rope broke."
Good Taste.
"You can't bear children," said Mrs. Adams, disdainfully.
"Perhaps if you could you would like them better," con-
tinued the old lady, wiping her spectacles.
Fancy Diseases.
"Diseases is very various," said Mrs. Partington. "Now old
Mrs. Haze has got two buckles on her lungs, and Mary Simms
is dying or heritage of the lungs. One person has tonsors of
the throat and another finds himself in a jocular vein. New
names and new nostrils everywhere!"
Blind as a Bat.
Gentleman to his rustic servant:
"Well, Jean, did you
give the Governor my note?"
"Yes, sir; I gave it to him; but there's no use writing him
letters; he can't see to read them. He's blind-blind as a
bat!"
"Blind! "
"Yes, sir; blind. Twice he asked
and I had it on my head all the time.
The Deaf Man.
+
me where my hat was,
Blind as a bat, sir!"
Old Hunter was a very deaf man. One day the boys, to get
a joke on him, gave him the following mock toast:
"Here's to old Hunter, the two-sided old villain; may hə
be kicked to death by mules, and his body be sunk in the sea
સ
272
WIT AND HUMOR.
a hundred fathoms deep. May no prayer be said over him,
and may his blind soul wander rayless through all eternity.”
The toast was drunk with great glee, in which the old man
joined.
"The same to yourselves, gentlemen," said he, "The same
to yourselves."
Old Hunter had not heard a word that was said.
A
Charley Bender's Blunder.
Charley Bender who used to live in South Bend, went to
Reno, Nev. While there he hit upon a scheme to advertise
his business, and told the editor of the Reno Gazette to an-
nounce that he would give a special premium to the lady
exhibiting a baby at the fair that most resembled her. The
announcement appeared among the fair notes, and read:
"Charles T. Bender offers a special premium to the lady ex-
hibiting a baby that most resembles him." Charley was out
of the city for several days, and when he came back couldn't
understand why the ladies, with whom he had always been a
a great favorite, looked at their noses when they passed him,
and the matter grew absolutely serious when a very intimate
lady friend to whom he proffered his hand, exclaimed, "Don't
you dare to shake hands with me, sir, you vile thing."
It was
all made as plain as day when Charley saw the typographical
error, and he is not to be blamed for hunting up the editor
with his revolver,
Blunders in Newspapers.
An illiterate farmer, wishing to enter some animals at an
agricultural exhibition, wrote to the secretary as follows:
Also enter me for the best jackass; I am sure of taking the
premium.
??
Among. the replies to an advertisement of a music com
PULL, BLUNDER AND PARADOX
273
mittee for "a candidate as organist, music-teacher," etc., was
the following: "Gentlemen, I noticed your advertisement for
organist and music-teacher, either lady or gentleman. Having
been both for several years, I offer you my services."
A recent advertisement contains the following startling infor
mation: "If the gentleman who keeps the shoe store with a
red head will return the umbrella of a young lady with whale-
bone ribs and an ivory handle, he will be suitably rewarded."
An Irish agricultural journal advertises a new washing
machine under the heading: "Every man his own washer
woman," and in its culinary department says that, "potatoes
should always be boiled in cold water."
Blunders in Punctuation.
There is a tombstone in the Saratoga graveyard on which is
tnis epitaph:
"Erected to the memory of John Phillips, accidentally
shot as a mark of affection by his brother."
A correspondent introduces a piece of poetry to the editor
of an American newspaper in these words:
"The following lines were written fifty years ago by one
who has for many years slept in his grave merely for his
amusement."
The compositor on a Philadelphia paper, by displacement of
a space, informed the masses of that city that Mr.-
address them asses at National Hall.
would
Eli Perkins' American Blunders
Punctuation makes a great many bulls in this country. The
other day I picked up a newspaper in Wisconsin full of curious
things.
I inclose a few specimens :
"The procession at Judge Orton's funeral was very fine and
274
WIT AND HUMOR.
nearly two miles in length as was the beautiful prayer of the
Rev. Dr. Swing from Chicago."
Another:
"A cow was struck by lightning on Saturday belonging to
Dr. Hammond who had a beautiful spotted calf only four days
old."
A distressing accident is thus chronicled :
"A sad accident happened to the family of John Elderkin
on Main street yesterday. One of his children was run over
by a market wagon three years old with sore eyes and pantalets
on that never spoke afterwards."
A Towanda (Penn.) sign reads thus:
"John Smith--teacher of cowtillions and other dances--
gramer taut in the neetest manner-fresh salt herrin on draft
-likewise Godfreys cordial-rutes, sassage and other garden.
truck.-N.B. A bawl on frida nite-prayer meeting chuesday
also salme singin by the quire."
I cut this advertisement from the N. Y. Herald:
"Run away--A hired man named John; his nose turned
up five feet eight inches high, and had on a pair of corduroy
pants, much worn.
22
This, also, from the personal column of the Herald:
"Personal: If the gentleman who keeps the shoe store with
a red head will return the umbrella of a young lady with
whalebone ribs and an ivory handle to the slate-roofed grocer's
store, he will hear something to his advantage, as the same is
the gift of a deceased mother, now no more, with the name
engraved upon it.
"I say, Jim," said a creditor to a bankrupt the other day,
"what'll you pay?"
(6
'Wall, I'm going to pay fifty cents on the dollar if I have
to pay it out of my own pocket."
The next morning after lecturing at Janesville I saw this
paragraph:
George Peck an intemperate editor from Milwaukee fell
66
BULL, BLUNDER AND PARADOX.
275
over the gallery last night while Eli Perkins was lecturing in a
beastly state of intoxication."
"The coroner's jury brought in a verdict that Mr. Peck
came to his death by remaining too long in a cramped position.
while listening to Mr. Perkins' lecture which produced apop-
lexy on the minds of the jury."
The Paradox.
Melville D. Landon, A.M.
A paradox is an instance of deformed logic. It is a case
where a sentence destroys not itself, as in the case of the
anticlimax, but all the logic in itself. The anticlimax is the
deformed sentence itself, while the paradox is the deformity
of its logical sense. The best paradox in the English language
is the cne made by Artemas Ward when the humorist said:
"I'm bound to live within my means if I have to borrow
money to do it."
The best paradox I ever constructed was a sentence once
used in complimenting the West. It was made in a dinner
speech. I commenced thus:
"I like the West. I like her self-made men, and the more
I travel west, the more I am with her public men, the more I
am convinced of the truthfulness of the Bible statement that
the wise men came from the East!"
Here is another :
"How do you think Smith's property will stand after all his
debts are paid?" asked a lawyer in a bankrupt case.
"I believe he will owe several thousand dollars," was the
reply.
Another instance: Two men were pulling on their boots.
One pulled away at the straps till one broke, when he
exclaimed:
"I don't believe I'll ever get these boots on till I've worn
them a spell!"
3
19
276
WIT AND HUMOR.
:
An Irishman was trying to sell some iron window-sashes,
and in recommending them said:
"These sashes will last you forever, sir; and afterwards, if
you have no further use for them, you can sell them for old
iron."
Again :
A Judge in Dublin asked an Irish policeman, "When did
you last see your sister?"
'The last time I saw her, my Lord, was about eight months
ago, when she called at my house, and I was out."
"Then you did not see her on that occasion?"
"No, my Lord; I wasn't there."
Again:
At a crowded concert to hear Patti the other night, a young
lady was looking for a seat.
"It is a seat you want, Miss?" asked the Irish usher.
"Yes, a seat, please."
"Indade, miss," said Pat, "I should be glad to give you a
sate, but the empty ones are all full."
Again :--
An Irishman, describing the trading powers of the genuine
Yankee, said:
"Bedad, if he was cast away on a desolate island, he'd get
up the next mornin' and go round selling maps to the in
habitants."
Again :--
An Irishman boasted that he had often skated sixty miles a
day.
"Sixty miles!" exclaimed an auditor, "that is a great
distance; it must have been accomplished when the days were
the longest."
"To be sure it was; I admit that," said the ingenious.
Hibernian, "but whoile ye're standin' sit down, an' oi'll tell
ye all about it."
Again:
BULL, BLUNDER AND PARADOX.
277
An Irish lover said, "It is a great comfort to be alone
especially when yer swatcheart is wid ye."
Again you all remember the triumphant appeal of an Irish-
man who was a lover of antiquity, who, in arguing the super-
iority of old architecture over the new, said,
"Where will you find any modern building that has lasted
so long as the ancient?”
Again :-
An Irishman got out of his carriage at a railway station for
refreshments, but the bell rang and the train left before he had
finished his repast.
Hould on!" cried Pat, as he ran like a madman after the
car, “hould on, ye murthen ould stame injin—ye've got a
passenger on board that's left behind.”
Again :-
My wife's cook was sick. She was sure she was going to
die. It was the colic.
"Would you take anything, Bridget?" asked my wife, pour-
ing out some bitter cordial.
66
Indade," said Bridget, "I would take anything to make
me well, if I knew it would kill me."
Again :-
"A man who'd maliciously set fire to a barn," said Elder
Podson, "and burn up a stable full of horses and cows, ought
to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'd like to be the one
to do it."
Again:
Two deacons once disputing about a proposed new grave-
yard, one remarked: "I'll never be buried in that ground as
long as I live!" "What an obstinate man!" said the other
"If my life is spared I will."
1
IRISH BULLS AND BLUNDERS *
The Irish Hack Driver.
Eli Perkins.
The Quaker Indian Commissioners recently returned to
Philadelphia. The "Broadbrims" landed, carpet bag in hand
at the Pennsylvania depot, when an Irish hackdriver who
chanced to have a broadbrim also, stepped up, and to ingra
tiate himself into their good graces passed himself off as a
brother Quaker.
"Is thee going towards the Continental Hotel?" asked the
hackdriver.
"Yea, our residences are there,” replied the Quaker.
“Will thee take my carriage?"
"Yea-gladly."
As they seated themselves, the hackdriver asked very seri
ously-
"Where is thou's baggage?"
* 4
Two Irishmen met once, and referred to the illness of a
third.
(
"Poor Michael Hogan! Faith, I'm afraid he's going to
die," said one.
"And why would he die?" asked the other.
"Oh, he's got so thin! You're thin enough, and I'm thin
-but, by my sowl, Michael Hogan is thinner than both of us
put together."
Two Irishmen, who, fancying that they knew each other,
*The Irishman has made so many good natured bulls and blunders,
that a separate chapter has to be given to them.
治
​IRISH BULLS AND BLUNDERS.
279
crossed the street to shake hands. On discovering their err
'I beg your pardon !" cried the one.
"Oh, don't mention it," said the other. "It's a mutual
mistake; you see, I thought it was you, and you thought it
was me, and after all, it was neither of us!"
* *
*
เ
"As I was going over the bridge the other day,” said an
Irishman, "I met Pat Hewins. 'Hewins,' says I, 'how are
you?"
66
Pretty well, thank you, Donnelly," says he.
""
Donnelly," says I, "that's not my name.
"Faith, then, no more is mine Hewins."
"So with that we looked at each other agin, an' sure enough
it was nayther of us."
Taking it Easy.
Mr. O'Rafferty has a boy named Mike, that for laziness can-
not be beaten. This assertion is not absolutely correct, how-
ever, for he is beaten for laziness every day by the old man.
After one of these sad scenes between parent and child, Mike
remarked dismally:
"I persoom that there is no plazin' of yez. It is wishin' I
was dead I am."
"It is loike yerself," retorted the father, "to be wishin' ye
was stretched in an expinsive and convaynient coffin, takin' it
aisy for the rest of yer life."
*
The captain of a steamboat seeing an Irishman smoking
away abaft the wheelhouse, stepped up to him and said:
"Don't you see that notice stuck up there?"
"D'ye mane that bit o' painted tin ?”
"To be sure I do. Why don't you follow it?"
"I haven't sayn it move; it's nailed fast, I'm considerin'."
"I mean, have you read that notice?"
280
}
WIT AND HUMOR.
Divil a bit; shure I don't know how to rade.”
"Well, it says: 'No smoking allowed here.""
"By the powers! it doesn't consarn me a smite, thin, for I
never smoked aloud' in my life."
،
* *
X
Two good natured Irishmen on a certain occasion, occupied
the same bed. In the morning, one of them inquired of the
other:
"Dennis, did you hear the thunder last night?"
"No, Pat; did it raily thunder?"
"Yes, it thundered as if hivin and airth would come
together."
"Why in the divil, then, didn't ye wake me, for ye know I
can't slape whin it thunders."
An Irishman's Will.
In the name of God, Amen! I, Timothy Delona, of Bar-
rydownderry, in the county of Clare, farmer; being sick and
wake in my legs, but of sound head and warm heart: Glory
be to God-do make the first and last will the ould and new
testament; first I give my soul to God, when it pleases Him
to take it; sure no thanks to me, for I can't help it then ; and
my body to be buried in the ground at Barrydownderry Chapel,
where all my kith an' kin that have gone before me, an' those
that live after, belonging to me, are buried; pace to their
ashes, and may the sod rest lightly over their bones. Bury
me near my godfather, Felix O'Flaherty, betwixt and between
him and my father and mother, who lie separate altogether, at
the other side of the chapel yard. I lave the bit of ground
cortaining ten acres →→ rale old Irish acres to me eldest son
Tim, after the death of his mother, if she survives him. My
daughter Mary and her husband Paddy O'Ragan are to get the
white sow that's going to have twelve black bonifs. Teddy,
{
IRISH BULLS AND BLUNDERS.
2:1
my second boy that was killed in the war of Amerikay, might
have got his pick of the poultry, but as he is gone, I'll lave
them to his wife who died a wake before him; I bequeath to
all mankind fresh air of heaven, all the fishes of the sea they
can take, and all of the birds of the air they can shoot; I lave
to them the sun, moon and stars. I lave to Peter Rafferty a pint
of fulpoteen I can't finish, and may God be merciful to him!
* *
*
An Irishman who was standing on London Bridge said to a
youth:
"Faith, and I think I know yees; what's yer name?"
"Jones," said the boy.
"Jones! Jones!" said the Irishman; "and I knew seven-
reen ould maids by that name in Dublin. Was aither of them
your mither?"
**
*
Said a member of Congress from Ohio to a New Yorker,
who was trying to tell him something about hogs: "You can't
tell me any thing about hogs. I know more about hogs than
you ever dreamt of. I was brought up in Cincinnati right
among 'em."
**
*
"Are you sick, Pat?" asked the doctor.
"Sick, is it! Sick! Faith, and I laid spachless siven long
weeks in the month of August, and did nothin' but cry
Wather! wather!' all the time."
* *
*
"How is the man that was hurt?" was asked of an Irish-
man the next day after a railroad smash-up on the Erie road.
Sure, how is the man that was hurt?" repeated Pat
"I mean is he any better?"
"No; he's no better."
"Is he conscious?"
"Yis, he's conscious, but divil a thing does he know
282
WIT AND HUMOR.
The Irish Letter.
TULLYMUCOLESCRAG, Parish of Ballyraggett,
near Ballysluggathey, County of Kilkenny,
Ireland, Jinuary the 1th.
MY DEAR NEPHEW: I haven't sent ye a letther since the last
time I wrote to ye, bekase we have moved from our former
place of livin' and I didn't know where a letther would find
ye; but I now wit pleasure take up me pin to inform ye of the
death of yer ownly livin' uncle, Ned Fitzpatrick, who died very
suddenly a few days ago afther a lingerin' illness of six weeks.
The poor fellow was in violent convulsions the whole time of
his sickness, lyin' perfectly quiet and intirely specchless-all
the while talkin' incoherently, and cryin' for wather. I had no
opportunity of informin' ye of his death sooner, except I wrote
to ye by the last post, which same went off two days before he
died; and then ye would have postage to pay. I am at a loss
to tell what his death was occasioned by, but I fear it was by
his last sickness, for he was nivir well ten days togither during
the whole of his confinement; and I believe his death was
brought about by his aitin' too much of rabbit stuffed with pais
and gravy, or pais and gravy stuffed with rabbit; but be that
as it may, when he brathed his last, his docther gave up all
hope of his recovery. I needn't tell ye anything about his
age, for ye well know that in June next he would have been
just seventy-five years old lackin' ten months, and had he lived
til that time, would have been just six months dead. His
property now devolves to his next of kin, which all died some
time ago, so that I expect it will be divided between us; and
ye know his property, which was very large, was sold to pay
his debts, and the remainder he lost at a horse race; but it was
the opinion of iverybody at the time he would have won the
race, if the baste he run aginst hadn't been too fast for him.
I niver saw a man in all my life, and the docthers all said so,

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a fine ear the bird has got for music, but he's got a wonder.nl
cowld." (See page 283.)
283
IRISH BULLS AND BLUNDERS.
that observed directions or took medicine betther than he did.
He said he would as leve dhrink bitter as sweet if it had only
the same taste, and ipecakana as whisky punch, if it would
only put him in the same humor for fightin'. But, poor sowl!
he will niver ate or dhrink any more, and ye haven't a livin'
relation in the world except meself and yer two cousins who
were kilt in the last war. I cannot dwell on the mournful
subject any longer, and shall sale me letther with black salin
wax, and put it in yer uncle's coat-of-arms.
uncle's coat-of-arms. So I beg ye not to
brake the sale when ye open the letther, and don't open it
until two or three days afther ye resave this, and by that time
ye will be well prepared for the sorrowful tidings. Yer old
sweetheart sinds her love unknownst to ye.
When Jarry
McGhee aives in America, ax him for this letther, and if he
don't brung it from amongst the rest, tell him it's the one that
spakes about yer uncle's death, and saled in black.-I remain
yer affectionate ould grandmother,
BRIDGET O'HOOLEGOIN
P.S.-Don't write till ye resave this.
N.B.-When yez come to this place stop, and don't rade any
more until my next.
* *
*
A
An English gentleman was writing a letter in a coffee-house,
and perceiving an Irishman stationed behind him reading it,
said nothing, but finished his letter in these words:
"I would say more, but a big, tall Irishman is reading over
my shoulder every word I write."
"You lie, you scoundrel!" said the self-convicted Hibernian.
* *
*
Two Irishmen, in crossing a fieid, came in contact with a
jackass, which was making "daylight hideous" with his un-
earthly braying.
Jemmy stood a moment in astonishment, then turning to
Pat, who was also enraptured with the song, he remarked:
"It's a fine ear t bird has got for music, but he's got a
wonderful cowld."
WIT AND HUMOR-
281
An Irishman hearing of a wonderful musician, concluded to
take lessons from him, and inquired of his terms. The answer
was:
"Six dollars for the first month and three dollars for the
second month."
"Then," said the Irishman, "I'll come the second month."
**
*
"It's a great comfort to be left alone," said an Irish lover,
"especially when your sweetheart is wid you."
* *
X
An Irish editor, in speaking of the miseries of Ireland, says:
"Her cup of miseries has been for ages overflowing, and is
not yet full."
* *
*
A spirit-merchant in Dublin announced, in one of the Irish
papers, that he has still a small quantity of the whisky on sale.
which was drunk by his late Majesty while in Dublin.
* X
A music dealer, not long since, received the following order:
"Please send me the music to 'Strike the Harp in Praise of
God and Paddle Your Own Canoe.'"
* *
*
A venerable Irish lady in Taunton, Mass., went into the
telegraph office, the other evening, and stated her wish to send
a message to her son in a neighboring city. Whereupon the
obliging operator asked her if he should write it for her, to
which she hesitatingly responded:
"Av ye plaze, Mister, I'll do it meself, for James knows
my writing."
**
-X
A Yorkshire clergyman, preaching for the Blind Asylum,
began by gravely remarking:
"If all the world were blind, what a melancholy sight it
would be!"
285
IRISH BULLS AND BLUNDERS.
Two Irishmen were working in a quarry when one of them
fell into a deep quarry hole. The other, alarmed, came to the
margin of the hole and called out, "Arrah, Pat, are ye killed
entirely? If ye're dead, spake." Pat reassured him from the
bottom by saying in answer, "No, Tim, I'm not dead, but
I'm spachless."
**
“I am a native American citizen, born, bejabers, in this
country," said Mr. Muldoon, at a recent political gathering,
“and if ye disbelieve it, come around home and I will show
ye me naturalization paphers.
""
* *
*
A lady the other day, meeting a girl who had lately left her
service, inquired, "Well, Mary, where do you live now?"
"Please, ma'am, I don't live nowhere now," replied the
girl; "I am married.”
* *
Some years ago two Irishmen were carrying the hod at a
new brick building going up on the street fronting on the
North River, New York. At noon, one of the Cunard steam-
ers, going out to sea, fired off the usual guns.
"Do you hear that, Larry?"
"The goons, do you mane? What is it?"
“Why, ov coorse; it's an arrival goin' out!"
**
*
"Where did you put the hoe I saw you wid?"
"It's gone intirely, feyther."
don't
"Thin I'll break ivery bone in your body wid it if you
find it."
**
#
An Irishman, hearing of a friend who had a stone coffin
made for himself, exclaimed:
66
'Faith, that's good. Sure an' a stone coffin 'ud last a man
a lifetime.”
WIT AND HUMOR
286
A colored clergyman in Philadelphia recently gave notice
as follows from the pulpit: "There will be a four-days' meet-
ing every evening this week, except Wednesday afternoon.'
"2
**
Captain. "How many fathoms?"
Pilot. "Can't touch bottom, sir."
Captain. "Well, d--n it, how near do you come?"
An Irish magistrate, censuring some boys for loitering in
the streets, argued: "If everybody were to stand in the
street, how could anybody get by ?”
**
*
"Gentlemen, is not one man as good as another?"
"Uv course he is," shouted an excited Irish chartist, "and
a great deal bether."
# #
*
Said an Irish justice to an obstreperous prisoner on trial:
“We want nothing but silence, and but little of that."
**
*
"Pat, do you understand French?”
"Yis, if it's shpoke in Irish.'
"3
*
A grocer in Washington advertises that he has "whisky for
sale that has been drunk by all the Presidents, from Gen. Jack-
son down to the present time."
**
*
A New York policeman swore to the following affidavit:
"I hereby solemnly swear that the prisoner set upon me,
calling me an ass, a precious dolt, a scarecrow, a ragamuffin,
and idiot, all of which I certify to be true."
**
*
Brown, the other day, while looking at the skeleton of a
donkey, made a very natural quotation. "Ah," said he, "we
are fearfully and wonderfully made."
287
10SH BULLS AND BLUNDERS.
An Irishman once ordered a painter to draw his picture and
to represent him standing behind a tree.
Natural Blunder.
Ell Perkins,
"You made these boots, didn't you?" asked a mad man with
with a bad-fitting pair of shoes.
64
ઃઃ
Yes," said the shoemaker, looking up from his last, "I
made 'em."
"Well, confound it! I told you to make one larger than the
other, didn't I?"
"Yes, and I did."
"No you didn't either. One is smaller than the other."
"But change that big boot onto the big foot and see if it
won't fit," said the shoemaker.
"By gum! you're right. One is bigger than the other."
* *
*
"Do you call that a veal cutiet, waiter?" said a customer.
"Why, it is an insult to a calf to call that a veal cutlet.'
">
"I didn't mean to insult you, sir," said the waiter.
SCHOLASTIC WIT.
School, College, Teacher, and Pupil.
A Harvard professor, dining at the Parker House, Boston,
ordered a bottle of hock, saying as he did so:
"Here, waiter, bring me a bottle of hock-hic, hæc, hoc."
The waiter, who had been to college, smiled, but never
stirred.
"What are you standing there for?" exclaimed the pro
fessor. "Didn't I order some hock?"
"Yes, sir," said the waiter, "you ordered it, but you after
wards declined it."
German Student Pomposity.
Eli Perkins.
A party of American travellers were on the railroad platform
at Heidelberº, One of the travellers happened to crowd a
Heidelberg student, when he drew himself up, scowled pom-
pously, and said :
"Sir, you are crowding; keep back, sir!"
"Don't you like it, sonny?" asked the American.
"Sir!" scowled the student, "allow me to tell you, sir, that
I am at your service at any time and place.”
"Oh, you are at my service, are you?" said the American.
"Then just carry this satchel to the hotel for me!"
A Collegian's Unbelief Cured.
"I don't believe much in the things spoken of in the bible.'
said a collegian to an old Quaker.
"Does thee believe in France?" asked the Quaker.
283
289
SCHOLASTIC WIT.
"Yes, I do; I never saw it, but I have plenty of proof that
there is such a country."
"Then thee does not believe in anything unless thee or thy
friends have seen it?"
"No, sir, I do not."
“Did thee ever see thy own brains ? »
"No."
"Did thee ever know of anybody that has seen thy brains?"
"No."
"Does thee believe thee has any?"
The collegian had nothing more to say on the subject.
* *
*
The following is the reply of a fond father, who had just
received a letter from his son, a student in his own alma
mater: "My dear son-Accept my heartiest congratulations.
I was engaged to the same Miss Bunter when I was in college,
and can appreciate the fun you are having. Go it while you
are young. Your loving father."
* *
*
Prof. Blackie once chalked on his notice board in college:
"The professor is unable to meet his classes tomorrow."
"A waggish student removed the 'c' leaving 'lasses.'
When the professor returned, he noticed the new rendering.
Equal to the occasion, the professor quietly rubbed out the
"1" and the notice read:
"The professor is unable to meet his asses tomorrow."
999
Eli Perkins on Dr. McCosh's Impression.
"Ah, I have an impression!" exclaimed Dr. McCosh the
president of Princeton college, to the mental philosophy class.
Now, young gentlemen," continued the doctor, as he touched
his head with his forefinger, "can you tell me what an im
pression is?"
WIT AND HUMOR.
290
1
No answer.
"What; no one knows? No one can tell me what an im
pression is!" exclaimed the doctor, looking up and down the
class.
"I know," said Mr. Arthur. An impression is a dent in
a soft place."
"Young gentleman," said the doctor, removing his hand
from his forehead and growing red in the face, "you are
excused for the day."
**
*
A freshman hesitates on the word "connoisseur."
Prof. "What would you call a man that pretends to know
everything?'
""
Freshman answers: "A professor."
* *
*
Yale student, reading Virgil-"Three times I strove to cast
my arms about her neck, and—that's as far as I got, professor.
Prof. Thatcher: "Well, Mr. Evarts, I think that was quite
far enough."
"Yes, sir."
"How many sides has a circle?
66 "Two," said the student.
A Bright Student.
The Rev. Dr. Ranson, of Edinburgh, was examining a stu-
dent before the class, and these were some of the results:
"And you attend the class for mathematics?" asked the
Doctor.
در
"What are they?"
"An inside and an outside!" and then the class roared.
The Doctor was nonplused, but continued the examination:
"And you attended the philosophy class also?"
"Yes, sir."
20
291
SCHOLASTIC WIT.
"Well, you would hear lectures on subjects. Did you ever
hear one on cause and effect?"
"Yes, sir."
"Does an effect ever go before a cause?"
"Yes, sir."
"Give me an instance."
"A man wheeling a barrow."
The class roared again, and the Doctor asked no more ques-
tions.
A Class Joke that Kicked Back.
"Where is the place in the horizon called the zenith?”
asked Prof. Jackson of the mathematical astronomy class at
Union College.
"It is the spot in the heavens directly over one's head,"
remarked John Bailey.
"Can two persons have the same zenith at the same time?”
asked Prof. Jackson, with a twinkle of his eye.
"They can, sir," answered Mr. Bailey.
"How?" asked the Professor, who thought he was on the
eve of a class joke.
"Why, when one stands on the other's head!"
A Wasted Education.
Ople P. Kead.
،،
Jim, it do seem to me dat yer's putting yer edycation ter
a mighty po' use. I ain't heard a big word from yer yet. I
can un'erstan' yer gist as well as I did 'fore yer went ter dat
school. Ef a man's edycated I want him to talk so I can't
un'erstan' him. Me and yer mudder hab been talkin' 'bout dis
matter, an' we'se so grieved way down in de flesh. Jim, what's
de big word fur grasshopper?"
"Orthopterous insects of the genus gryllus, according to
Webster," replied the young man.
WIT AND HUMOR.
"But de tuther day when dem folks was heah yer spoke of
a grasshopper jest de same as de ignorantest nigger in de
country, and brought shame down on de heads of yer mudder
and myself. What's de big word fur goat?
"Mammiferous quadruped of the genus capra," answered
the young man.
"
"But why didn't yer say so 'stead of sayin' goat like a nig-
ger, an' bringin' de tingle ob embarrassment to yer fader's
face? What did I gin yer dat schoolin' fur- to talk like an
unedycated son of a po' white man? Think dat I'se gwine ter
keep yer heah in idleness 'lessen yer can reflec credic on de
family? Jim, what is de big word fur fool?"
"I don't know, sir."
"Yer don't? Den yer ain't 'quainted wid yerself. Yer
doan' recognize whar yer stands. Go out dar in de field wid a
mule an' identify yerself."
How Girls Study.
Belle McDonald.
Did you ever see two girls get together to study of an even-
ing? I have, and it generally goes like this:
"In 1673 Marquette discovered the Mississippi. In 1673
Marquette dis - What did you say, Ide? You had ever
so much rather see the hair coiled than braided? Yes, so had
I. It's so much more stylish, and then it looks classical, too;
but how do you like-O, dear! I never will learn this lesson !
In 1863 Lafayette discovered the Wisconsin. In 1863 La-
fayette discovered the well! what's the matter with me,
anyhow! In sixteen seventy-three Marquette discovered the
Mississippi. I don't care if he did. I suppose the Mississippi
would have got along just as well if Marquette had never
looked at it. Now, see here, Ide, is there anything about my
looks that would give you to understand that I know when
Columbus founded Jamestown, and how George Washington
won the battle of Shiloh? Of course there isn't. History's a
S
Mag, magig
ང་

U. Lung.
"Yer doan' recognize whar yer stands." (See page 292.)
SCHOLASTIC WIT.
293
horrid study anyhow. No use, either. Now, French is ever
so much nicer. I can introduce French phrases very often,
and one must know I have studied the language. What is the
lesson tomorrow? O, yes; conjugation of parler. Let's see;
how does it commence? Fe parle, tu parle, il par-il pa-il-
well, il, then!
"Conjugations don't amount to anything. I know some
phrases that are appropriate here and there, and in most every
locality; and how's anybody going to know but what I have
the conjugations all by heart?
"Have I got my geometry? No, I'm just going to study it.
Thirty-ninth, is it not?
Kadar pa
"Let the tri-angle A B C, tri-angle A B-say, Ide, nave
you read about the Jersey Lily and Freddie? I think it is
just too utterly ut, and Freddie is simply gorgeous. I'm com-
pletely crushed on him—
"Oh, this theorem !
"Let the tri-angle A B C be right-angled at B. On the
side B C erect the square B D, on the side A B, the
square A I.
On the side-did I tell you Sister Carrac-
ciola gave me a new piece today, a sonata? It is really
intense. The tones fairly stir my soul. I am never going to
take anything but sonatas after this. I got another new piece,
too. Its name is Etudes. Isn't it funny? I asked Tom this
noon what it means, and he says it is Greek for nothing. It
is quite apropos, for there is really nothing to it-the same
thing over and over.
"Where was I? O, yes, the side A C, the square A E.
Draw the line come on, let's go at our astronomy. It's on
"Are the planets inhabited?'
"Now, Ide, I think they are, and I have thought about it
a great deal. I banged my hair again last night. I wanted a
Langtry bang just too bad for any use, but pa raved, and I
had to give in. Yes, I think they are inhabited. I should
like to visit some of them, but you would not catch me living
294
WIT AND HUMOR.
4
on Venus. Eight seasons! Just think how often we would
have to have new outfits to keep up with the styles.
"What! you are not going? I am so sorry, but I suppose
you are tired. I am.
I am. It always makes me most sick to study
a whole evening like this. I think sister ought to give us a
picture.
And they go to school the next morning and tell the other
girls how awfully hard they have studied.
""
A Buffalo teacher was being examined by the school board.
Among the questions asked was this:
"Do you think the world is round or flat?"
Round or Fiat.
"Well," said the teacher, as he scratched his head in deep
thought, "some people think one way and some another, and
I'll teach round or flat, just as the parents please."
Practice vs. Theoretical Knowledge.
A college professor was being rowed across a stream in a
boat. Said he to the boatman :
geology?
"Do you understand philosophy?"
"No, never heard of it."
"Then one quarter of your life is gone. Do you
""
"No." *
understand
"Then one-half of your life is gone. Do you understand
astronomy?"
"No."
"Then three-quarters of your life is gone."
But presently the boat tipped over and spilled both into the
river. Says the boatman:
"
"Can you swim?
"No."
"Then the whole of your life is gone.
功
​SCHOLASTIC WTT.
295
Effect of One Term in College.
When young Mr. Spitzer left home for college, he took leave
of his mother in this manner:
*
"Mother, I will write often and think of you constantly."
When he returned, two years later, he remarked to the an-
xious parent:
"Deah mothaw, I gweet you once moah!"
Imagine the feelings of a fond mother.
The Effect of Education.
Uncle Remus.
Jake was heard calling across the fence to his neighbor's son,
a colored youth, who goes to school at the Atlanta Colored
University:
"Look hyar, boy, you goes ter school, don't yer?"
"Yes, sir,” replied the boy.
"Gittin' eddykashun, ain't yer?”
"Yes, sir."
"Larnin' rithmetick and figgerin' on a slate, eh?”
"Yes, sir."
"Well, it don't take two whole days to make an hour, do
it?"
"Why, no!" exclaimed the boy.
"You was gwine ter bring dat hatchet back in an hour,
wasn't yer?"
"Yes, sir."
"An' it's bin two whole days since you borrowed it. Now,
what good's eddykashun gwine ter do you thick-skulled niggers
when you go to school a whole year an' den can't tell how long
it takes to fotch back a hatchet?"
The boy got mad and slung the hatchet over the fence and
half-way through an ash-barrel.
21
296
WIT AND HUMOR.
"Annette, my dear, what country is opposite to us, on the
globe?" asked a teacher.
A Smart Student.
"Don't know, sir."
"Well, now," continued the perplexed teacher, "if I were
to bore a hole through the earth, and you were to go in at
this end, where you come out?"
(6
'Out of the hole, sir," replied the pupil, with an air of tri-
umph at having solved the great question.
* *
X
Teacher. (6
"Who was the first man?"
Head scholar. "Washington; he was the first in war,
first in"
Teacher. "No, no; Adam was the first man.
Head scholar. "Oh, if you're talking of foreigners, I s'pose
he was."
Ang mga
make
* *
*
Abraham Lincoln was once talking about food for the army.
From that the conversation changed to the study of the Latin
language.
"I studied Latin once," said Mr. Lincoln.
"Were you interested in it?" asked Mr. Seward.
"Well, yes. I saw some very curious things."
"What?" asked Mr. Seward.
""
"Well, there's the word hominy, which we have just
ordered for the troops. I see how the word originated. I see
it came from the Latin word homo — a man.
"When we decline homo, it is :
Homo a man.
Hominis of man.
Homini for man.
So you see, hominy being 'for man,' comes from the
Latin."
E. P.
SCHOLASTIC WIT.
297
#4
Horstility.
A pedagoguo told one of his scholars, a son of the Emerald
Isle, to spell hostility.
"H-o-r-s-e, horse," began Pat.
"Not horse tility," said the teacher, "but hostility."
“Sure,” replied Pat, "an' didn't ye tell me the other day
not to say hoss? Be jabers, it's one thing wid ye one day and
another the nixt."
Child Philosophy.
"Ethel," asked the teacher, when Ethel had grown quite
large, and began to think a little, "whom do the Ancients
say supported the world on his shoulders?"
"Atlas, sir."
"Yes. Quite right. Now, if Atlas supported the world
who supported Atlas?"
“I suppose he married a rich wife," replied Ethel, thought
fully.
Blundering into the Truth.
"When rain falls, does it ever arise again?" asked the pro-
fessor of chemistry.
"Yes, sir."
"When?"
"Why, in dew time"
"That will do, Mr. Mason. You can sit down."
* *
*
A colored lyceum in a Georgia college discussed the question,
"Which is de most useful, paper or gunpowder?" The debate
was closed by a disputant who spoke as follows :
"Mr. President: S'pose dar war a bar at de do', an' you
war to go dar and shake de paper at him, you'd see what de
298
WIT AND HUMOR.
bar would do. But jess shoot a cannon at him and see what
comes. I calls for de question."
The president forthwith decided in favor of powder.
What Ailed the Schoolmaster.
"Come here, sir!" said a stern parent.
"What is this
complaint the schoolmaster has made against you?"
"It's just nothing at all, Pa. You see, Jimmy Hughes bent
a pin, and I only just left it on the teacher's chair for him to
look at, and he came in without his specs and sat right down
on the pin, and now he wants to blame me for it ? "
X X *
*
Irritable schoolmaster.
"Now, then, stupid, what's the
next word? What comes after cheese?"
Dull boy.
"A mouse, sir.”
+1
A Plea for Precise Adjectives and Adverbs.
Eli Perkins.
The intellectual bankruptcy of many of our rich and vulgar
people is shown by their eternally using such indefinite ad-
jectives as "spoony," "nobby," "swell," "jolly," "loud,"
etc. These terms are not in the dictionary, and us common
people do not know what they mean. For example, I asked
the fashionable Miss Astor the other day if she liked Mr.
Brown.
"Yes, rother, but you kneuw he's too 'swell' for me, yeu
kneuw," replied Miss Astor, pulling on her fourteen-buttoned
gloves.
Now I didn't know what Miss Astor meant by "swell," so
I said: "If you refer to my friend Mr. Brown of Grace church,
I beg to say you are wrong. He's not swelled at all. It is all
the result of a good 'square,' healthy diet and gentle Sunday
exercise. No, Miss Astor, there is no swell there-not a bit
of it!"
SCHOLASTIC WIT.
299
"
"Pshaw! Mr. Perkins, we don't mean your 'poky' Mr.
Brown at all. We mean natty' Fred Brown, of Fifth avenue,'
said Miss A.
6
"Fred drives a 'nobby rig,"" continued Miss Astor.
"Yes, awful; but deuced 'loud,'" suggested young Van-
derbilt.
666
'Jolly' with the fellows, and awful 'spooney' on the girls,
eh?" suggested Lord Mandeville.
4
"You bet!''regular brick!"" said Miss A., "but he 'sours"
on them quick. Don't mean business, Fred don't; he's
'spooney,' then chills' all at once!"
"Like the sermon yesterday?" asked Lord Mandeville.
"Pshaw! too slow !" said Miss Astor. "Rum, ch, to hear
old Swope pitch into the Jews? Did you notice Fanny Green
laughing when he read about David 'going for' Goliah? Ha!
ha! too funny. How did you like the singing? Just 'too
lovely,' wasn't it?"
,
9
"Oh, 'so-so. Fact is, I've chilled' on last year's operas.
They're a 'bore.' I'm afraid our 'singing business' is going
to 'bust up.
999
"Oh, awful! that would be perfectly dreadful! shocking!!
perfectly atrocious!!!" etc., etc.
I find, on examination, that these terms are almost all
foreign importations; they came straight from London. They
are simply the literary coinage which passes among the Lon-
don chaps, in the clubs, and in the ante-room after the Lord
Mayor's dinner.
It wounds my national pride to think that we have to depend
entirely on England for these "cant" phrases. It is a sad
thing that in bob-tail grammar, that great mark of civilization,
we should be, indeed, behind London. With tears in my eyes,
I turn away from the sad spectacle-a nation's humiliation. I
resolve that we should be no longer eclipsed-that we shall
"bang" the tail of language as well as they.
300
WIT AND HUMOR.
X
>
So I have invented a new dictionary, or appropriated one
which was being used by a young lady friend.
Startling invention !
And so simple! In five minutes' practice you can express
precisely, by the terms of this new discovery, every sentiment
or emotion of the human heart. Linley Murray, who caused
so much unhappiness to our forefathers, is at last superseded-
eclipsed" thrown into the shade."
،،
Thoughts are now expressed in percentages. One hundred
is the superlative or the par basis of every emotion, quality,
quantity, or sentiment. The rate below one hundred gives the
precise positive and comparative value of the object rated.
See how in our conversations we now eclipse the old
swells" of the Brevoort House and the cockney chaps of
Rotten Row !
"How did you like Longfellow before he died, Miss
Smith ?"
“100."
66
Tennyson?"
"75."
Now, hate or disgust, which are negative emotions, or
rather passions, are expressed by the negative sign (—) before
the percentage, while positive passion of Love, as Lord Kame
calls it, or adoration, is expressed by the plus sign (+) after
the percentage.
"How did you like poor dead Walt Whitman?
"-5." (She hates him).
66
"Is Mr. Brown good-looking?
"660.”
"Dress well?"
"6 80."⁹
"How do you like him?”
(6 95." (Strong friendship.)
Ma
"2
99
"How is the weather?"
"100." (Beautiful.) (25, shabby; 10, atrocious.}
SCHOLASTIC WIT.
301
"What theatre do you like best?"
Wallack's, 95; Booth's, 90; Niblo's, 50; Bowery, 20.
"Is Smith clever?"
"10." (He's a fearful "bore.")
"Do you love me, darling?"
"75." (Cool friendship.)
"How do you like Mr. Thompson, the banker?”
"105+." (Heavens! She's in love with him.)
"Like to dance the round dances?"
"120+." (Adores them !)
"Fond of the square dances?"
"--25." (Despises them.)
• Will you be sure to give me first round' at the next In-
auguration Ball?"
“100."
•
"How was Mr. Tweed for honesty?"
"-75." (IIow much nicer than to say he stole !)
"Was Mr. Greeley honest before he died?"
"100 generally, 95 with Mr. Seward, 75 with Conkling, 60
with Grant, 5 with Murphy, and about 50 on Protection.”
"Do you think Mr. Dana used to love General Grant before
they died?"
"_3741."
"How much did Grant use to care?"
"0,000,000,000."
Teaching a Eoy to be Studious and Thoughtful.
Detroit Tribune Humorist.
"Pa," asked Willie Jones, as he was studying his history
lesson, "who was Helen of Troy?'
"2
"Ask your ma," said Mr. Jones, who was not up in classic
lore.
"Helen of Troy," said Mrs. Jones, who was sewing a new
heel on the baby's shoe, "was a girl who used to live with us;
she came from Troy, New York, and we found her in an in-
O
30%
WIT AND HUMOR
telligence office. She was the best girl I ever had before your
father struck Bridget."
65
'Did pa ever strike Bridget?" asked Willie, pricking up his
ears.
"I was speaking paragorically," said Mrs. Jones.
There was silence for a few moments, then Willie came to
another epoch in history.
"Ma, who was Marc Antony?"
“An old colored man who lived with my pa. What does it
say about him there?"
"It says his wife's name was Cleopatra.
"The very same! Old Cleo' used to wash for us. It's
strange how they come to be in that book."
"9
"History repeats itself," murmured Mr. Jones vaguely,
while Willie looked at his ma with wonder and admiration
that one smali head could carry all she knew. Presently he
found another question to ask.
"Say, ma, who was Julius Cæsar?"
"Oh, he was one of the pagans of history," said Mrs. Jones,
trying to thread the point of her needle.
"But what made him famous?" persisted Willie.
"Everything," answered Mrs. Jones, complacently; "he
was the one who said, 'Eat, thou brute,' when his horse
wouldn't take its oats. He dressed in a sheet and pillow-case
uniform, and when his enemies surrounded him he shouted,
'Gimme liberty or gimme death,' and ran away."
"Bully for him!" remarked Willie, shutting up the book
of history. "But say, ma, how came you to know so much?
Won't I lay over the other fellows tomorrow, though?"
"I learned it at school," said Mrs. Jones, with an oblique
glance at Mr. Jones, who was listening as grave as a statue.
"I was always a very close student. When other children
were slidin' down hill winter evenings I was studying by the
midnight oil. When my teacher told me anything I always
treasured it up, I always sought for wisdom and
""
;
SCHOLASTIC WIT.
303
“Well, I say, ma, who was Horace?" interrupted Willie.
"Your pa will tell you about him, I am tired," said Mrs.
Jones.
Then she listened with pride and approval while Mr. Jones
informed his son that Horace was the author of the Tin
Trumpet and a rare work on farming, and the people's choice
for President, and only composed Latin verses to pass away
the time and amuse himself.
Lipo Conjugated.
Dr. McCosh was hearing the Greek recitation when he was
a young professor in England.
"Now, young men," he said, "the verb is lipo, conjugate
it, Mr. Mason."
(6
Lipo, lipo, li—_39
"No, eipas," prompted Dr. McCosh.
"I make it next!" shouted a half-sleeping sophomore.
2
* X
*
+
Teacher. "Well, how stupid you are, to-be-sure! Can't
multiply eighty-eight by twenty-five! I'll wager that Charles
can do it in less than no time."
Abused pupil. "I shouldn't be surprised.
"I shouldn't be surprised. They say that
fools multiply very rapidly these days."
&
Rex Fugit.
It was in a Latin class, and a dull boy was wrestling with
the sentence "Rex fugit," which, with a painful slowness ot
emphasis, he had rendered, "The king flees."
"But in what other tense can the verb 'fugit' be found"
asked the teacher.
A long scratching of the head, and a final answer of "Per
fect," owing to a whispered prompting,
22
304
WIT AND HUMOR.
"And how would you translate it then? *
"Dun-no."
"Why, put a 'has' in it."
Again the tardy emphasis drawled out, "The king has fleas."
Popular Errors about Wit, Humor and Laughter.
Melville D. Landon, A.M.
What causes laughter?
All the old writers and rhetoricians from Plato to Lord
Kames have agreed that laughter is caused by wit, and that
wit is a "short-lived surprise." They say laughter is caused
by a short-lived surprise. But the old writers are all wrong.
Laughter is always caused by some deformity in art or nature.
It is caused by deformed music, deformed grainmar, deformed
rhetoric, deformed logic, deformed language and deformed
truth itself. If surprise alone would cause laughter, then those
passengers who were pitched over Ashtabula bridge would have
screamed with laughter. If surprise would cause laughter,
then a man would laugh when he is shot in the back. No,
my friends, surprise unless caused by a deformity will not
cause laughter. It is the deformity that does it. The deform-
ity is the real cause of the laughter. You wouldn't laugh at a
beautiful swan, but if you were walking along, and should see
a double headed rooster running both ways to get away from
itself, you would burst out laughing.
The deformities that produce laughter the quickest can be
mentioned.
Deformed grammar is a very fertile source of fun. To illus
trate: To a little girl learning to read I said,
"Didn't you have a hard time learning to read?"
"Yes," she said, "I did have a hard time learning to read,
but I kept on learning to read and bimeby I rode."
You remember the little girl who did not want her sister to
skin a potato for her. "You need not skin a potato for me,
Jenny," she said; "I have one already skun.”
SCHOLASTIC WIT.
31.5
Again, I met two chambermaids who were talking about
banging their hair. One asked the other if she banged her hair.
"Yes, Mary," she said, "I bang my hair-keep a banging
it, but it don't stay bung !"
The following couplet about Boss Tweed is a very good in-
stance of deformed grammar:
A cautious look around he stole,
His bags of chink he chunk;
And many a wicked smile he smole,
And many a wink he wunk.
Deformed rhetoric, the anti-climax, is a prolific source of
laughter. For instance, I once heard a New Jersey clergyman
describing a storm, and he described it like this: "The winds
howled like the roaring of Niagara, the thunders rumbled and
grumbled and pealed like Vesuvius laboring with a volcano,
the lurid lightnings flashed through the sky like-like sixty !”
Deformed music and deformed oratory always produce
laughter. The speaker now gave instances of deformed oratory
that set the house in a roar of laughter. These instances can
not be reported without destroying them. Deformed language
(the dialects and all stammering stories) is always funny. The
Irish, Dutch and Negro dialects are simply instances of de-
formed language.
All stammering stories are funny, on account of the deform-
ity of the language. For instance, my old rat story told years
ago about our stammering New York banker, Mr. Traverse.
One day Mr. Traverse went into a dog fancier's on Centre
street to buy a rat-terrier. Turning round to the dog merchant,
he asked:
"Have you got an any rat-rat-rat terriers?"
"Certainly," said the man. "Can't you see them all around
here?"
99
"Can your rat-rat-rat terriers catch a-catch a r-r-rat ?
"Certainly, that is what they are for, to catch rats, ”
!
21
306
WIT AND HUMOR.
"Well, won't you put one of your rat-rat-rat-terriers into a
box here w-w-with some rats and let me see him c-c-catch one.
""
The dog fancier put the rat terrier into a box with five or six
large rates, and one of them, a ferocious fellow, made a dive
for him, caught him by the throat and killed him-killed the
dog!
Mr. Traverse eyed the dead dog a moment, and then,
putting his hand into his pocket, said:
"Well, my friend, w-what will y-y-you take for the r-r-rat?”
CLERICAL WIT AND HUMOR.
Wit of Divines and Churchmen.
"Mr. Beecher," said General Grant to the famous Brook
lyn divine, one day, "why does a little fault in a clergyman
attract more notice than a great fault in a bad man?”
"Perhaps—” said Mr. Beecher, thoughtfully, "perhaps it is
for the same reason that a slight stain on a white garment is
more readily noticed than a larger stain on a colored one."
Cardinal McClosky Wants Information.
Eli Perkins.
One day Cardinal McClosky, who always likes a good cleri-
cal joke, met Mr. Talmadge and made some enquiries about
Plymouth church, presided over by Mr. Beecher.
"I see," said the Cardinal, "that in speaking of Mr.
Beecher's church you always say the Plymouth brethren?"
"Yes," said Mr. Talmadge, "Plymouth brethren means the
church."
"But when you speak of the Plymouth brethren why do you
not speak also of the Plymouth sisters?"
66
Because," said Mr. Talmadge with a twinkle of the eye,
"because I suppose the brethren embrace the sisters."
Never Get Excited.
"Boys," said a good old clergyman to the boys in the bible
class, "you should never lose your tempers.
swear or get angry or excited. I never do.
You should never
Now to illustrate,
807
308
WIT AND HUMOR.
you all see that little fly on my nose. A good many wicked
men would get angry at that fly, but I don't. I never lose my
temper. I simply say: Go away, fly-go away-' CONFOUND
IT IT'S A WASP!!!"
The Sabbath-School Lesson.
66
My dear children,” said a kind old clergyman to the Sab-
bath-school, who was showing off his school to some visiting
clergymen, "I am going to tell you about Peter.
"Who knows who Peter was?"
There was no reply.
"Can't any of you large boys tell who Peter was?" he con
tinued, looking at the large boys and girls.
The big boys and girls were utterly dumb.
"Can any little boy or girl in the school tell me who Peter
was?" urged the clergyman.
"I can," said a little fellow in the corner.
"Ah! that's a good boy! Now you come by my side and
stand up on this chair, and tell those big boys and girls who
Peter was."
The little fellow mounted the chair, and in a shrill voice
repeated :-
"Peter, Peter, pumpkin eater,
Had a wife and couldn't keep her."
At this point he was stopped by the alarmed clergyman, but
not before the children all took up the rhyme and repeated it
loudly to the close. They all knew who Peter was
Of course the visitors screamed with laughter.
Didn't Want To Cool off the Meeting.
Bishop Ames tells a story of a slave-master in Missouri, in
the olden time of negro vassalage, who said to his chattel:
"Pompey, I hear you are a great preacher."
OLERICAL WIT AND HUMOR,
300
"Yes, massa; de Lord do help me powerful sometimes."
"Well, Pompey, don't you think the negroes steal little
things on the plantation?"
"I'se mighty 'fraid they does, massa."
"Then, Pompey, I want you to preach a sermon to the
negroes about stealing."
After a brief reflection, Pompey replied:
"You see, massa, dat wouldn't never do, cause 'twould trow
such a col'ness over the meetin”.”
* *
*
A good old Methodist preacher, long ago removed from this
scene of temptation, in relating his "experience," said that
woman's eye was once so powerful as to draw him thirteen
miles over a rough road in winter, simply for her to tell him
that she wouldn't marry him.
The Devil He.
was.'
Highlanders have the habit, when talking their English,
such as it is, of interjecting the personal pronoun "he" where
not required — such as "The King he has come,” instead of
"The King has come." Often, in consequence, a sentence or
an expression is rendered sufficiently ludicrous, as the sequel
will show :
A gentleman says he has had the pleasure of listening to a
clever man,—the Rev. Mr. Bruce, of Edinburgh,—and recently
he began his discourse thus:
"My friends, you will find the subject of discourse this
afternoon in the first Epistle general of the Apostle Peter,
chapter 5th and verse 8th, in the words, "The devil he goeth
about like a roaring lion, seeking whom he may devour.'
Now, my friends, with your leave, we will divide the subject
of our text to-day into four heads :
46
?
'Firstly, we shall endeavor to ascertain Who the devil he
310
WIT AND HUMOR.
"Secondly, we shall inquire into his geographical position-
namely, 'Where the devil he was,' and 'Where the devil he
was going.'
(
Thirdly,--and this is of a personal character, Who the
devil he was seeking.
>
"And fourthly and lastly, we shall endeavor to solve a ques-
tion which has never been solved yet:
"What the devil he
was roaring about.'”-
Map JA
Whispering Angels.
The Rev. Mr. Armour was more prominent in his day for
the brilliancy of his imagination than the force of his logic.
At one time he was preaching on "The Ministry of Angels,
and in the peroration he suddenly observed:
"Methinks I hear an angel whisper now!"
""
The change of tone startled the deacon, who sat below, from
a drowsy mood, and, springing to his feet, he spoke :
"I guess it is the boys in the gallery."
Special Prayer.
"Uncle Josh," I said, "don't you believe in the efficacy of
special prayer?"
"Dat depends, Mister Perkins, on what yo' pray for."
"How is that, Uncle Josh?"
´´Wall, I allays notice dat when I pray de Lord to send one
of Massa Shelby's turkeys fo' de ole man it don't come, but
when I prays dat He'l send de ole man for de turkey my
prayer is allays answered."
Better Than Nothing.
A good old Methodist lady, very particular and very plous,
once kept a boarding house in Boston. Staunch to her princi
ples, she would take no one to board who did not hold to the
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311
CLERICAL WIT AND HUMOR.
eternal punishment of a large portion of the race. But the
people were more intent on carnal comforts than spiritual
health, so that in time her house became empty, much to her
grief and alarm.
After some time a bluff old sea captain knocked at the door,
and the old lady answered the call.
(6
Servant, ma'am. Can you give me board for two or three
days? Got my ship here, and shall be off soon as I load."
Wa'al, I don't know," said the old lady.
"Oh, house full, eh?"
"No, but__”
"But what, ma'am?"
"I don't take any unclean or carnal people in my house.
What do you believe?"
"About what? "
66
Why, do you believe that any one will be condemned?"
"Oh, thunder! yes."
"Do you?" said the good woman, brightening up.
how many souls do you think will be on fire eternally?"
"Don't know, ma'am, really-never calculated that."
"Can't you guess?"
"Can't say—perhaps fifty thousand.”
"Wa'al, hem!" mused the old woman;
you; fifty thousand is better than nothing."
"Well,
"I guess I'll-take
The Colored Preacher's Logic.
This incident really occurred in Zanesville, Ohio. The
Judge mentioned was Judge Andrews, then a member of
Congress.
Parson Jones, an earnest preacher who has since been
gathered to his fathers, was delivering the discourse at a re-
vival meeting. The old colored man was eloquent and his
logic was irresistible.
"My dear friends and brethren," said he, "de soul ob de
WIT AND HUMOR.
312
brack man is as dear in de sight ob de Lord as de soul ob de
white man.
Now you all see Judge Andrews a-sitting dah
leaning on his golden headed cane; you all know de judge,
niggas, and a berry fine man he is, too. Well, now, I'se
gwine to make a little comparishment: Suppose de judge,
some fine mornin' puts his basket under his arm and goes to
market to buy a piece of meat. He soon finds a nice, fat piece
of mutton and goes off with it. Do you 'spose de judge would
stop to 'quire wedder dat mutton was ob a white sheep or ob a
brack sheep? No, nuffin ob de kind; if de mutton was nice
an' fat it would be all de same to de judge; he would not stop
to ax wedder de sheep had white wool or brack wool. Well,
jis so it is wid our Hebenly Master. He does not stop to ax
weader a soul 'longs to a white man or a brack man wedder
his head was kivered wid straight har or kivered wid wool;
the only question he would ax will be, 'Is dis a good soul?'
and if so de Massa will say, 'Enter into de joy ob de Lord, ar'
sit down on de same bench wid de white man; ye's all on a
perfect 'quality,"
Eli Perkins Tells How They Swindled a Poor Clergyman.
The reason why I urge upon every one, however smart, not
to put too much confidence in his own smartness, will be seen
further on.
Yesterday I had to wait several hours at Monmouth, Ill.,
a station on the Chicago, Burlington and Quincy road. Mon-
mouth has been frequented by three-card monte men for years.
I have always known it, have often seen them there, and have
often written about them.
Well, yesterday they were there again. One of them, with
a Canada-Bill dialect wanted to show me some strange "keerds”
that he got up in Chicago.
"What were you doing up there," I asked, knowing that he
313
CLERICAL WIT AND HUMOR.
1
was a three-card monte man, and feeling an interest in his
modes.
"Me and pap," he said,
up a pile on 'em, an' made a
by a three-keerd monte man.
the keerds, and I'l show you how they done it.”
"Never mind, boys," I said, "I know all about it. I
know the whole racket. Now I'll keep quiet, mind my own
business, and let you try your mcnte game on someone a little
more fresh.'
"took up some hogs. We took
heap; but pap he got swindled
Got near ruined. But 1 grabbed
The monte-boy saw at once that I was posted, and soon
turned his attention to a good-looking, jolly, young and inno-
cent clergyman in the depot. In a few moments I saw that
the innocent clergyman had become deeply interested. His
interest grew as he watched the cards. There were three or-
dinary business-cards like these:
ST. LOUIS RAILROAD,
TICKET AGENT.
MUTUAL LIFE INSURANCE CO.,
NEW YORK.
MACY'S DRY GOODS STORE,
NEW YORK.
"I believe I can tell which card has 'Mutual Life Insur-
ance Co.' on it," said the innocent clergyman.
"All right-try it," said the monte-man, flopping them
about.
1
WIT AND HUMOR.
214
"There, that one!" said the clergyman, smiling.
Sure enough he was right.
"I don't see how your poor father could lose all his money
at such a simple game as that," said the clergyman. "Why
your eyes can see the cards all the time."
"Suppose you bet $5 that you can tell," suggested the
monte-man.
66
"All right, I'll risk it," said the clergyman, "though I
don't like to win money that way.
The cards were turned, and of course the poor, unsuspecting
clergyman lost. Again he tried it, hoping to get his $5 back,
but lost again. Then he put up his last dollar, and lost that.
Then seeming to realize his situation, he put his hand to his
head and walked out of the depot.
"To think," he said, "that I, a clergyman, should get caught
at this game. Why I might have known it was three-card
monte. I've no respect for myself," and he wiped his eyes like
like a man who felt the most acute condemnation.
"Why don't you complain of the scoundrel?" I asked.
ور
"I would, but I'm a clergyman, and if they should hear of
my sin and foolishness in Peoria, I would be relieved. My
family would suffer for my sins,"
"Then I'd keep quiet about it," I said; "but let it be a
lesson to you never to think you know more than other
people."
"But they've got my last dollar, and I want to go to Peoria.
I must be there to preach on Sunday," said the innocent, suffer-
ing man.
"Can't you borrow of some one?" I asked.
"No one knows me, and I don't like to tell my name here
after this occurrence," said the poor man, half crying.
66
Very well," I said, "hand me your card, and I will let
you have $5, and you can send it to me at the Palmer House,
Chicago, when you get to Peoria," and I handed the poor man
the money.
2
315
CLERICAL WIT AND HUMOR.
A moment afterwards I spoke to the agent at the depot about
the wickedness of those monte men, and told him how I had to
lend the poor clergyman $5 to get home.
"And you lent him five dollars?"
"Yes, I lent the poor man the money."
"Well, by the great guns!" and then he swung his hat and
yelled to the operator :
66
'Bill, you know that ministerial-looking man around here?”
"You mean the capper for the three-card monte-men, don't
you?-Bill Keyes-Missouri Bill."
"Yes."
"Well, by the great guns, he's the best man in the whole
gang; he's just struck old Eli Perkins for $5. It does beat
me what blankety-blank fools them darned literary fellers
are!"
(6
The Unbeliever in Indiana.
"Yes, sir, I've been to Sodom and Gomorry, and seen the
pillar of salt Lot's wife was turned into."
"Good salt-genewine?" asked a Hoosier of the travelled
gospeller.
"Yes, sir, a pillar of salt !"
"In the open air?"
"Yes, sir, in an open field, where she fell."
Well, all I've got to say is, if she'd dropped in Indiana,
and in our parts, the cattle would have licked her up before
sundown!"
He Found The Wicked Man.
A celebrated camp-meeting revivalist in Kentucky used to
summon the worshipers to service after dinner by blowing a
horn from the camp-meeting platform. One day a worldly-
minded fellow who had never experienced the "wrath te
come" poured some soft soap into the clergyman's tin horn
WIT AND HUMOR.
316
Of course, when he sounded the horn, he blew a blast of soft
soap all over his astonished brethren. Taking it from his
mouth, the revivalist wiped the nozzle on his sleeve. looked
over the congregation and cried out in his wrath :
"Brethren, I have passed through many trials and tribula-
tions, but nothing like this. I have served the ministry for
thirty years, and in that time have never uttered a profane
word, but I'll be cussed if I can't whip the man that soaped
•
that horn."
*
*
-X-
*
Some two days after the horn-soaping, a tall, swarthy,
villanous-looking desperado strolled on the grounds, and
leaned against a tree, listening to the eloquent exhortation to
repent which was being made by the preacher. After a while
he became interested, finally affected, and then took a position
on the anxious seat, commenced groaning in "the very bitter-
ness" " of his sorrow. The clergyman walked down and en-
deavored to console him. No consolation-he was too great
a sinner, he said. Oh, no-there was pardon for the vilest.
No, he was too wicked-there was no mercy for him.
"Why, what crime have you committed?" said the preacher;
"have you stolen?"
"Oh, worse than that!"
"What! have you committed perjury?"
"Worse than that-oh, worse than that!" sobbed the man.
"Murder, is it?" gasped the horrified preacher.
"Worse than that!" groaned the smitten sinner.
The excited preacher commenced taking off his coat.
(6
Here, brother Cole!" he shouted, "hold my coat--I've
found the fellow that soaped that horn!"
*
*
*
Very Truthful.
"Well, Father Brown, how did you like my sermon yester-
day?" asked a young preacher.
“Ye see, parson," was the reply, "I haven't a fair chance
317
CLERICAL WIT AND HUMOR.
at them sermons of yourn. I'm an old man now, and have to
set putty well back by the stove; and there's old Mrs. Smith,
'n widder Taff, 'n Mrs. Rylan's darters, and Nabby Birt, 'n
all the rest setting in front of me with their mouths wide open
a-swallerin' down all the best of the sermon; 'n what gits down
to me is putty poor stuff, parson, putty poor stuff."
* *
*
"Do you know why half-farthings are coined in England?"
asked a Scotchman of an Irishman.
"Faith an' I do. It was to give Scotchmen an opportunity
to subscribe to charitable institutions."
* *
*
"Mr. Smith," said a lady at a church festival, "won't you
buy a bouquet to present to the lady you love?"
"That wouldn't be right," said Mr. Smith; "I'm a married
man.'
""
The Darky's Hell.
An old negro minister, in a sermon on Hell, pictured it as a
region of ice and snow, where the damned froze through
eternity.
"Why do you tell your congregation that hell is a cold
place!" asked the visiting Bishop.
"I don't dare to tell them people nothing else, Bishop.
Why, if I was to say that Hell was warm, some of them old
rheumatic niggers would be wanting to start down the first
frost."
I Vash So Glad I Vash Here.
One who does not believe in immersion for baptism was
holding a protracted meeting, and one night preached on the
subject of baptism. In the course of his remarks he said that
some believe it necessary to go down into the water, and come
up out of it, to be baptized. But this he claimed to be fallacy,
WIT AND HUMOR.
818
for the preposition "into" of the Scriptures should be rendered
differently, as it does not mean into at all times. "Moses,"
he said, "we are told, went up into the mountain; and the
Savior was taken up into a high mountain, etc Now we do
not suppose either went into a mountain, but went unto it.
So with going down into the water; it means simply going
down close by or near to the water, and being baptized in the
ordinary way, by sprinkling or pouring." He carried this
idea out fully, and in due season closed his discourse, when an
invitation was given for any one so disposed to rise and ex-
press his thoughts. Quite a number of his brethren arose and
said they were glad they had been present on this occasion,
that they were well pleased with the sound sermon they had
just heard, and felt their souls greatly blessed. Finally a cor-
pulent gentleman of Teutonic extraction, a stranger to all,
arose and broke the silence that was almost painful, as
follows:
"Mister Breacher, I is so glad I vash here tonight, for I
has had explained to my mint some dings dat I neffer could
pelief before. Oh, I is so glad dat into does not mean into at
all, but shust close by or near to, for now I can pelief many
dings vot I could not pelief pefore. We reat, Mr. Breacher,
dat Taniel vosh cast into de ten of lions, and came out alife.
Now I neffer could pelief dat, for wilet peasts would shust eat
him right off; but now it is fery clear to my mint. He vash
shust close py or near to, and tid not get into de ten at all.
Oh, I ish so glad I vash here tonight. Again we reat dat
de Heprew children vash cast into de firish furnace, and dat
always look like a peeg story too, for they would have been
purnt up; but it ish all blain to my mint now, for dey was
shust cast py or close to de firish furnace. Oh, I vash so glad
I vash here tonight. And den, Mr. Breacher, it ish said dat
Jonah vash cast into de sea, and taken into de whale's pelly.
Now I neffer could pelief dat. It alwish seemed to me to be
a peeg fish story, but it ish all blain to my mint now. He
819
CLERICAL WIT AND HUMOR.
vas not into de whale's pelly at all, but shump onto his pack
and rode ashore. Oh, I vash so glad I vash here tonight.
And now, Mistor Breacher, if you will shust exblain two
more passages of Scriptures, I shall be oh, so happy dot I vos
here tonight! One of dem ish vere it saish de vicked shall be
cast into a lake dat burns mit fire and primstone alwish. Oh,
Mister Breacher, shall I be cast into dat lake if I am vicked,
or shust close py or near to shust near enough to be comfort
able? Oh! I hope you tell me I shall be cast only shust py a
a good veys off, and I will pe so glad I vash here tonight.
De oder bassage is dat vich saish blessed are they who do
these commandments, dat dey may have right to de dree of
life, and enter in droo de gates of de city, and not shust close
py or near to-shust near enough to see vat I have lost
and I shall pe so glad I vash here tonight."
p
A Novel View of Adam's Fall
JR7 ALAM
The Rev. John Jasper, of Richmond, Va., the author of the
new sun-do-more doctrine, preached the following sermon on
the fall of Adam:
My tex, bruderen and sistern, will be found in de fus' chap
ter ob Ginesis and de twenty-seben verse: "So de Lor' make
man jus' like Hese." Now, my bruderen, you see dat in de
beginnin' ob de world de Lor' make Adam. I tole you how
he make him. He make 'im out ob clay, an' He sot 'im on a
board, an' he look at him, an' he say, "Firs rate;" and when
he get dry he breathe in 'im de breff of life. He put him in de
garden ob Eden, an' he sot 'im one corner oò de lot, an' he
tole him to eat all de apples, 'ceptin' dem in de middle ob de
orchard; dem he wanted for he winter apples. Byme-bye
Adam he got lonesome. So le Lor' make Ebe. I tole you
how he make her. He gib Adam lodlum till he git sound
'sleep; den he gouge a rib out he side and make Ebe; and he
set Ebe in de corner ob de garden, an' he tole her to eat all
›
WIT AND HUMOR.
320
do apples, 'ceptin' dem in de middle ob de orchard; dem he
winter apples. Wun day de Lor' go out a bisitin'; de debbil
cum along; he dress hisself in de skin ob de snake, and he find
Ebe; an' he tole her, "Ebe! why for you no eat de apple in
de middle ob de orchard?" Ebe say: "Dem de Lor's winter
apples." But de debbil say: "I tole you for to eat dem, case
deys de best apples in de orchard." So Ebe eat de apple and
gib Adam a bite; an' debbil go away. Byme-bye de Lor' come
home, an' he miss de winter apples; an' he call: “Adam!
you Adam!" Adam he lay low; so de Lor' call again: "You
Adam!" Adam say: "Hea, Lor'!" and de Lor' say: "Who
stole de winter apples?" Adam tole him he don't know-
Ebe he expec'! So de Lor' called: "Ebe!" Ebe she lay
low; de Lor' call again: "You Ebe!" Ebe say: "Hea,
Lor'!" De Lor' say: "Who stole de winter apples?" Ebe
tole him she don't know--Adam she expec'! So de Lor cotclı
'em boff, and he trow dem over de fence, an' he tole 'em, "Go
work for your libin'!"
**
*
"Children," said a country minister, addressing a Sunday-
school, "why are we like flowers? What do we have that
flowers have?"
And a small boy in the infants' class, whose breath smelled
of vermifuge, rose up and made reply:
"Worms!" and the minister crept under the pulpit chair to
hide his emotion.
He Was Not Surprised.
The travelling clergyman was a devout Christian, and had
made the study of the Bible and a proper understanding of the
big Book the highest aim in life.
When he arrived at the sea of Galilee his heart was filled with
awe, and he felt enervated and cleansed by the thought that
he was gazing on the very spot where his Saviour once
stood.
22
321
OLERICAL WIT AND HUMOR.
Approaching the ooatman, he addressed him in his choicest
Arabic, and with Bible and commentary in hand awaited an
answer.
'Ah! what 'smather'th yer? Why don't yer talk United
States?" asked the man contemptuously. He was a real live
Yankee who was picking up a living by terrying tourists across
the sea.
"So this is the sea of Galilee," devoutly murmured the
searcher after knowledge.
"Y-a-a-s."
"And this is where our Savior walked upon the waters?"
"Ya-a-s."
"How much will you charge to take me to the exact spot?"
"Wa-al, you look like a clergyman, an' I won't charge you
nothin'."
The devout one boarded the boat, and at last was pointed
out where the miracle is said to have occurred. After gazing
at the waters, and dividing his time between glances at his
books and devout ejaculations of satisfaction, the searcher sig
nified his willingness to return.
"Charge you $20 to take you back," said the speculative
Yankee.
66 But you
said you would charge nothing."
"Naw I didn't. It was nothing to bring you out. Twenty
to get back."
"And do you charge everybody $20 to take them back?'
asked the astonished teacher.
"Ya-a-s. That's about the figger.
"Well, then," said the devout one, as he went down into
his clothes, "no wonder our Savior got out and walked."
* *
*
>
"If the winds blow this way for another hour," said the cap-
tain on board cf a ship in danger of being wrecked, to a
passenger who was a clergyman, "we shall all be in heaven."
"God forbid !" was the prayerful answer of the divine
WIFT AND HUMOR.
3***
Moody's Realistic Sermon.
At a very rerresning season of revival in Chicago, Mr. Moody
announced that he would devote an evening to the men con-
nected with the roads, inviting them all to be present, and
promising something that would be of interest to them. The
night came around, and the railroad men were on hand. Per-
haps they did not take much stock in emotional religion, but
they were prepared to pay respectful attention to anything that
might be said.
"Ring the bell !" exclaimed Mr. Moody, plunging into his
theme without further introduction, hoping to please his audi-
tors he continued reference to their avocation. "Toot, toot-
toot! Away we go!" and he began to hop up and down and
stagger around the stage. His imitation of car motion was
infectious, and the men bobbed around their seats.
"We are plunging along at sixty miles an hour," he roared.
The audience said nothing but looked at each other with
raised eyebrows.
There is nothing between us and death!" continued Mr.
Moody. "It is a station to which we are all bound! Look
out! Ha! That switch is open! Now we are bound to eternal
perdition! There is no help for us! We are-
95
But al! he could see were assorted sizes of legs disappearing
through doors and windows. There was but one man left in the
audience, and he was screwing an imaginary brake with all his
might.
66
My friend-" began Mr. Moody.
"Jump, you idiot," roared the solitary Brakeman. "If
we've cut the switch, and hell's ahead, you want to jump!"
"But you, my brother, but you--!” exclaimed Mr. Moody,
hoping to impress one emotional soul.
"Never mind me!" yelled the Brakeman, setting his foot
firmly and crouching over the wheel. "Never mind me! I've
been brakeman on this road for twenty-one years, and I'm
823
CLERICAL WIT AND HUMOR.
willing to lay off in hell for a little rest! Jump, you infernal
fool, unless you're tired of preaching."
Referring to the occasion subsequently, Mr. Moody so-
lemnly affirmed that he had made his last effort at a realistic
sermon.
Leaving the Dance to Pray.
Eli Perkins.
Do not think because I write about the follies and foibles of
Saratoga that good and true men do not sometimes go there.
The good man will be good everywhere. He will be just till
he has no bread, just till he has no drink, just chained to the
stake, till he sees the faggots piled about him and curling flames.
gnawing at his quivering flesh-clinging to the throne of God.
In the mazes of the dance you will see brave men with hearts
to love and pray; Christian mothers with faces all aglow with
the smiles of Heaven; children with beautiful angel faces, and
babes in arms, sweet blossoms born from the bosom of Divinity.
Last summer you might have seen enacted daily, at one of
the most fashionable hotels in Saratoga, one of the sweetest
incidents in the Christian life. As the thoughtless watering-
place throng swayed in and out of the great dining-room, and
the endless clatter of tongues and cutlery seemed to drown
every holy thought, a silver-haired old man entered quietly at
the head of his Christian family and took his seat at the head
of the table.
Instantly the laughing faces of a tableful of diners assumed a
reverential look. Their knives and forks rested silently on the
table while this silver-frosted Christian, with clasped hands,
modestly murmured a prayer of thanks-a sweet benediction
to God. The scene lasted but a moment; but all day long the
hallowed prayer of this good man seemed to float through the
air, guiding, protecting and consecrating the thoughtless army
of wayward souls.
It was a long time before I could find out who this grand old
Christian was; but one night it came to us all at once.
WIT AND HUMOR.
324
1
That night a lovely Christian mother arose early from the
hop-room, with her two little girls, to return to her room.
66
Why do you go so early, Mrs. Clarke? The hop is not
half over,” remarked a lady friend.
"You will laugh at me if I tell you.
you, my dear?"
Now, really, won't
"No, not unless you make me,” replied her friend.
"Well then," said this Christian mother, as she leaned for-
ward with a child's hand in each of hers, "You know I room
next to that dear, good old white-haired man, and every night
at ten he does pray so beautifully that I like to go with the
children and sit in the next room and hear him pray; for I
know when we are near his voice nothing can happen to the
children."
With tears in her eyes, her friend said, "Let me go with
you ;" and right there, in the middle of the lanciers, these two
big-hearted Christian women went out with their children to go
and kneel down by the door in the next room to listen to the
family prayer of good old Richard Suydam.
Special Prayer.
Queer notions of prayer some people have. At a meeting
in the northern part of Maine, the pastor remarked that if any
present had relatives or friends in distant lands, prayer
would be offered in their behalf. Then uprose a simple-
looking individual and said:
"I would like you to pray for my brother. He went away
two weeks ago, and I haven't heard from him since. I don't
know just where he is, but you needn't pray below Bangor."
* *
*
"Well, brother Slummidge, how much shall I put you down
for to get a chandelier for the church?" asked Parson Brown.
"Shoo! Parson, what we want to get a chandeleer for?
The' hain't nobody kin play on ter it when we do git it !”
325
+
OLERICAL WIT AND HUMOR.
+
An Earnest Response.
A few years ago, at a negro camp-meeting held near Flush-
ing, the colored preacher said:
"I tell you, my blubbed bredern, dat de debble is a big
hog, an' one ob dese days he'll cum along an' root you all out."
An old negro in one of the anxious pews, hearing this, raised
himself from the straw, and, clasping his hands, exclaimed in
the agony of his tears:
"Ring him, Lord! ring him!"
We Shall Meet Again.
One day a kind old clergyman got on the train near Auburn.
He had a sweet, Christian face and venerable silver hair.
Near him sat five or six young ragamuffins-thoughtless ras-
cals, who, to annoy the good old minister, kept scoffing at
religion and telling disagreeable stories.
The good old man endured it all, hearing everything with-
out answering, and without being moved. Arriving at his
journey's end, he got out, and only remarked:
"We shall meet again, my children."
"Why shall we meet again?" said the leader of the band.
"Because I am a prison chaplain," was the reply.
Forgiving the Priest.
"I'm ashamed to see you again in this beastly condition,
Patrick, after the solemn promise, made only a week ago, that
you would nevermore get drunk, and after having taken the
pledge. It's a burning shame to you," said Father Daly,
"and a sin against God and the Church, and sorry I am to be
obliged to say so."
""
"Father Daly," said Pat, in a tone half tipsy, half laughing,
"did you say you were sorry to see me so?"
2
WIT AND HUMOR.
326
"Yes: I am indeed."
"Are you sure you're sorry?"
""
"Yes; very, very sorry.'
"Well, then, Father Daly, if you are sure you're very, very
sorry-I'll forgive you!"
A Strong Illustration.
Murat Halstead.
A Hard Shell preacher wished to bring forth a good illustra
tion, as he thought, and hence he took a walnut, as he called
it, into the pulpit with him, and something to crack it with.
On holding it up, in the course of his sermon, he said:
"My friends, you see this walnut-well, this outer hull here
is like the Methodists, soft and spongy, with no strength into
it; see, I even break it with my fingers," and suiting the
action to the words, he disclosed the inner nut, and said:
"this is like the Missionary Baptists, hard and dry, with no
substance in it; but the kurnul-the kurnul, my friends, is
like the good old primitive hard-shell Baptist faith, full of
fatness and sweetness."
He then proceeded to crush the "walnut" and give his
hearers an ocular demonstration of his illustration, but behold,
it was rotten; and, to the utter astonishment of his hearers, he
cried out :
"By jinks! it's rotten.'
39
Cold or Hot.
Chas. A. Dana.
An Irishman had a dream which taught him the danger of
delay:
"I dreamed," said he, "I was wid the Pope, who was as
great a jintleman as any one in the district, an' he axed me
wad I drink. Thinks I, wad a duck swim, an' seein' the
whisky an' the lemon an' sugar on the sideboard, I told him I
didn't care if I tuk a wee dhrap of punch. Cowld or hot?'

LEBY
all Sany
"Well, then, Father Daly, I'll forgive you." (See page 826.)
CLERICAL WIT AND HUMOR.
327
&
axed the Pope. Hot, your Holiness,' I replied; an' be that
he stepped down to the kitchen for the bilin' water, but before
he got back I woke straight up. And now it's distressin' me I
didn't take it cowld."
Burdette and the Religious Breaksman.
On the road once more, with Lebanon fading away in the
distance, the fat passenger drumming idly on the window pane,
the cross passenger sound asleep, and the tall, thin passenger
reading "Gen. Grant's Tour Around the World," and won-
dering why Green's August Flower should be printed above
the doors of a "Buddhist Temple at Benares." To me comes
the brakeman, and seating himself on the arm of the seat,
says:
"I went to church yesterday."
"Yes!" I said, with that interested inflection that asks for
more. "And what church did you attend?
""
"Which do you guess?" he asked.
"Some union mission church?" I hazarded.
"
"Naw," he said, "I don't like to run on those branch
roads very much. I don't often go to church, and when I do,
I want to run on the main line, where your run is regular and
you go on schedule time and don't have to wait on connections.
I don't like to run on a branch. Good enough, but I don't
like it."
"Episcopal?" I guessed.
"Limited express," he said, "all palace cars and $2 extra
for a seat; fast time and stop at the big stations. Nice line,
but too exhaustive for a brakeman. All train-men in uniform;
conductor's punch and lantern silver-plated, and no train-boys
allowed. Then the passengers are allowed to talk back at the
conductor, and it makes them too free and easy. No, I
couldn't stand the palace car. Rich road, though. Don't often
328
WIT AND HUMOR.
hear of a receiver being appointed for that line. Some mighty
nice people travel on it too.
"Universalist?" I guessed.
"Broad gauge," said the brakeman; "does too much com-
plimentary business. Everybody travels on a pass. Conduc
tor doesn't get a fare once in fifty miles. Stops at all flag
stations and won't run into anything but a union depot. No
smoking car on the train. Train orders are rather vague,
though, and the train-men don't get along well with the pas-
sengers. No, I didn't go to the Universalist, though I know
some awfully good men who run on that road.”
"Presbyterian?" I asked.
"Narrow gauge, eh?" said the brakeman: "pretty track,
straight as a rule; tunnel right through the mountain rather
than go around it, spirit-level grade, passengers have to show
their tickets before they get on the train. Mighty strict road,
but the cars are a little narrow, have to sit one in a seat and no
room in the aisle to dance. Then there's no stop-over tickets
allowed, got to go straight through to the station you're ticketed
for, or you can't get on at all. When the car's full, no extra
coaches, cars built at the shops to hold just so many, and nobody
else allowed on. But you don't hear of an accident on that road,
it's run right up to the rules."
66
“
Maybe you joined the Free Thinkers?” I said.
"Scrub road," said the brakeman: "dirt road bed, and no
ballast, no time card and no train dispatcher. All trains run
wild, and every engineer makes his own time just as he
pleases. Smoke if you want to; kind of go-as-you-please
road. Too many side tracks, and every switch wide open all
the time, with the switchman sound asleep, and the target
lamp dead out. Get on as you please, and get off when you
Don't have to show your tickets, and the conductor
isn't expected to do anything but amuse the passengers. No,
sir; I was offered a pass, but I don't like the line. I don't
like to travel on a road that has no terminus. Don't you know,
want to.
}
OLERICAL WIT AND HUMOR.
329
1
sir, I asked a Division Superintendent where that road run to,
and said he hoped to die if he knew. I asked him if the
General Superintendent could tell me, and he said he didn't
believe they had a General Superintendent, and if they had,
he didn't know anything more about the road than the pas
sengers. I asked him who he reported to, and he said, 'no-
body.' I asked a conductor who he got his orders from, and
he said he didn't take orders from any living man or dead
ghost. And when I asked the engineer who he got his orders
from, he said he'd like to see anybody give him orders;
he'd run that train to suit himself, or he'd run it into the
ditch. Now, you see, sir, I'm a railroad man, and I don't
care to run on a road that has no time, makes no connections,
runs nowhere, and has no Superintendent. It may be all
right, but I've railroaded too long to understand it."
"Did you try the Methodist?" I said.
6
"Now you are shouting," he said, with some enthusiasm.
Nice road, eh? Fast time and plenty of passengers. Engi-
neers carry a power of steam, and don't you forget it; steam
gauge shows 100, and enough all the time. Lively road;
when the conductor shouts all aboard!' you can hear him to
the next station. Every train-lamp shines like a headlight.
Stop-over checks given on all through tickets; passengers can
drop off the train as often as they like, do the stations two
or three days, and hop on the revival train that comes thundering
along. Good, whole-souled, companionable conductors; ain't
any road in the country where the passengers feel more at
home. No passes; every passenger pays full traffic rates for
his ticket. Wesleyanhouse air-brakes on all trains, too;
pretty safe road, but I didn't ride over it yesterday."
99
66
'Maybe you went to the Congregational church," I said.
"Popular road," said the brakeman; "an old road, too,
one of the very oldest in the country. Good road bed and
comfortable cars. Well managed road, too; Directors don't
interfere with Division Superintendents and train orders,
330
WIT AND HUMOR.
Road's mighty popular, but it's pretty independent, tov See,
didn't one of the Division Superintendents down East discon-
tinue one of the oldest stations on the line two or three years
ago? But it is a mighty pleasant road to travel on. Always
has such a splendid class of passengers."
"9
"Perhaps you tried the Baptist?" I guessed once more.
"Ah, ha!” said the brakeman, "she's a daisy, isn't she?
River road; beautiful curves; sweep around anything to keep
close to the river, but it's all steel rail and rock ballast, single
track all the way and not a side track from the round-house to
the terminus. Takes a heap of water to run it, though; double
tanks at every station, and there isn't an engine in the shops
that can pull a pound or run a mile with less than two gauges.
But it runs through a lovely country; these river roads always
do; river on one side and hills on the other, and it's a steady
climb up the grade all the way till the run ends where the
fountain-head of the river begins. Yes, sir, I'll take the river
road every time for a lovely trip, sure connections and good
time and no prairie dust blowing in at the windows. And
yesterday, when the conductor came around for the tickets
with a little basket punch, I didn't ask him to pass me, but
paid my fare like a little man-25 cents for an hour's run,
and a little concert by the passengers throwed in. I tell you,
Pilgrim, you take the river road when you want—”
But just here the long whistle from the engine announced a
station, and a brakeman hurried to the door, shouting :
"Zionsville! This train makes no stop between here and
Indianapolis.'
""
The Minister Jokes His Wife.
Eli Perkins.
The Rev. George Hepworth, who likes to tell a good joke
on his wife, says that he had complained many times that
his wife's mince and apple pies looked just alike.
"I can't tell your apple from your mince, my dear," he said,
16 without tasting them "
ULERICAL WIT AND HUMOR.
331
"I'll fix that," said Mrs. Hepworth, "I'll have the cook
mark them."
The next day when the pies came on Mrs. Hepworth said
In triumph! "Now you can tell the mince from the apple.
I've had this one marked T. M., 'tis mince, and this one
T. M., 'taint mince!"
{
* *
*
"It isn't loud praying which counts with the Lord so much
as giving four full quarts of whisky for every gallon,” says an
Arkansas circuit rider.
A Stingy Congregation.
The nat was passed around a certain congregation for the
purpose of taking up a collection. After it had made the cir
cuit of the church, it was handed to the minister-who, by the
way, had exchanged pulpits with the regular preacher--and he
found not a penny in it. He inverted the hat over the pulpit
cushion and shook it, that its emptiness might be known ;
then, raising his eyes to the ceiling, he exclaimed with great
fervor:
"I thank God that I got back my hat from this congregation."
**
*
A thick-headed squire, being worsted by the Rev. Sydney
Smith in an argument, took his revenge by exclaiming: "If I
had a son that was an idiot, by Jove, I'd make him a parson!"
"Very probable,” replied Sydney, "but I see your father
was of a very different mind.”
Eli Perkins On Special Prayers.
Elder Smitzer was famous for making special prayers. In
these prayers he used to tell the Lord everything. In fact he
used to tell the Lord so much that he would have no space left
for asking for the blessing. The elder would go on for a half
332
WIT AND HUMOR.
an hour informing the Lord about everything in Log City, and
in Asia, Africa and Oceanica.
Once I took down the Elder's prayer in short-hand, and it
ran thus:
"O Lord, thou knowest everything. Thou knowest our
uprisings and our downsittings. Thou knowest thy servants'
inmost hearts. Thou knowest, O Lord, what thy servant's
children are doing. Thou knowest the wickedness of thy
servant's nephew, Francis Smitzer,-how he came home last
night in a beastly state of intoxication, whistling, O Lord, that
wicked popular air (whistling):
"Sho' fly, don't bodder me!"
"Thou recognizest the tune, O Lord!"
Wanted to Fly to Heaven.
66
"O, I wish I had wings like a grasshopper!" exclaimed a
colored lady at a revival meeting in Richmond.
"Amen!" exclaimed several voices.
After the meeting and the excitement had subsided, a colored
brother asked the convert why she wanted wings like de grass-
hopper?
>
"That I might fly to heaven."
"You fool nigger; woodpecker ketch you 'fore you get half
way dar. "
* *
*
A good old lady at a Tennessee camp meeting appearing to
be greatly distressed, attracted the sympathy of one of the
brethren, who went to her, and, in kindly tones, asked if he
could do anything for her.
"O, I don't know," she groaned.
"Do you think you've got religion?"
"O, I don't know; mebbe it's religion-mebbe it's worms."
OLERICAL WIT AND HUMOR.
333
Conditional Piety.
Two Scotch fishermen-Jamie and Sandy-belated and be-
fogged on a rough water, were in some trepidation lest they
should never get ashore again. At last Jamie said :
"Sandy, I'm steering, and I think you'd better put up a bit
of prayer."
"I don't know how," said Sandy.
"If ye don't I'll just chuck ye overboard," said Jamie.
Sandy began: "O Lord, I never asked anything of Ye for
fifteen year, and if Ye'll only get us safe back I'll never trouble
Ye again, and-"
66
Whisht, Sandy," said Jamie, "the boat's touched shore;
don't be beholden to anybody."
The Harp of a Thousand Strings.
The following sermon had a great run in 1859. It is safe to
say that thirty million people have read it:
man,
I may say to you, my breethering, that I am not an edecated
an' I am not one o' them as bleeves that edecation is
necessary fur a Gospel minister, fur I bleeve the Lord edecates
his preachers jest as he wants 'em to be edecated, an', although
I say it that oughtn't to say it, yet in the State of Indianny,
whar I live, thar's no man as gits a bigger congregation nor
what I gits.
Thar may be some here to-day, my breethering, as don't
know what persuasion I am uv. Well, I may say to you, my
breethering, that I'm a Hardshell Baptist. Thar's some folks
as don't like the Hardshell Baptists, but I'd ruther hev a hard
shell as no shell at all. You see me here today, my breether-
ing, drest up in fine close; you mout think I was proud, but I
am not proud, my breethering, and although I've been a
preacher av the Gospel for twenty years, an' although I'm
334
WIT AND HUMOR.
2
capting of that flat boat that lies at your landing, I'm not
proud, my breethering.
I'm not gwine ter tell you edzackly whar my tex may be
found; suffice it to say it's in the leds of the Bible, an' you'll
find it somewhar 'tween the first chapter of the book of Genera-
tion and the last chapter of the book of Revolutions, and ef
you'll go and sarch the Scriptures, as I have sarched the Scrip-
tures, you'll not only find my tex thar, but a great many uther
texes as will do you good to read, an' my tex, when you shill
find it, you shill find it to read thus: "And he played on a
harp uv a thousand strings-sperits of just men made per
feck."
My tex, breethering, leads me to speak uv sperits. Now
thar's a great many kinds of sperits in the world—in the fust
place, thar's the sperits as some folks call ghosts, then thar's
the sperits of turpentime, and then thar's the sperits as some
folks call liquor, an' I'v got as good an artikel of them kind uv
sperits on my flat-boat as ever was fotched down the Mississip
pi river, but thar's a great many other kind of sperits, for the
tex sez: "He played on a harp uv a thou-sand strings-sper-
its of just men made perfeck.”
But I'll tell you the kind uv sperits as is ment in the tex, it's
fure. That is the kind of sperits as is ment in the tex, my
breethering. Now thar's a great many kinds of fire in the
world. In the fust place, thar's the common sort uv fire yoú
lite your segar or pipe with, and then thar's camfire, fire before
you're reddy, and fall back, and many other kinds uv fire, for
the tex sez: "He played on a harp uv a thou-sand strings-
sperits uv just men made perfeck."
But I'll you the kind uv fire as is ment in the tex, my breeth
ering-it's hell fire! an' that's the kind uv fire as a great many
uv you'll come to, ef you don't do better nor what you have
been doin'-for "He played on a harp of a thou-sand strings-
sperits uv just men made perfeck.
99
Now the different sorts uv fire in the world may be likened
·
OLERICAL WIT AND HUMOR.
385
unto the different persuasions of Christians in the world. In
the fust place we have the Piscapalions; and they are a high
sailin' and a high-falutin sct, and they may be likened unto a
turkey-buzzard that flies up into the air and he goes up and up
till he looks no bigger than your finger-nail, and the fust thing
you know, he cums down and down, and is a fillin' himself on
the karkiss of a dead hoss by the side of the road-and "He
played on a harp of a thou-sand strings-sperits of just men
made perfeck."
And then thar's the Methedis, and they may be likened unto
the squirrel, runnin' up into a tree, for the Methedist believes in
gwine on from one degree of grace to another, and finally on
to perfeckshun, and the squirrel goes up and up, and up and
up, and he jumps from lim' to lim', and branch to branch, and
the fust thing you know he falls, and down he comes kerflum-
mux, and that's like the Methedis, for they is allers fallin' from
grace, ah! And "He played on a harp of a thousand
strings-sperits of just men made perfeck.'
""
And then, my breethering, thar's the Baptist, ah—and
they hev bin likened unto a possum on a 'simmon-tree, and
the thunders may roll, and the earth may quake, but that
possum clings there still, ah-and you may shake one foot
loose, and the other's thar, and you may shake all feet loose,
and he laps his tail around the lim' and he clings furever,
for "He played on a harp uv a thou-sand strings-sperits of
just men made perfeck."
S
Eli Perkins' Sermon.
The ladies of the Hotel in Saratoga asked Eli Perkins to
address them last Sunday evening. After the fashionable
belles and beaux had sung "Old Hundred," Eli Perkins
adjusted his glasses, and, as near as the reporter of the Sara
togean could report his remarks, said :
23
336
WIT AND HUMOR.
*
"My dearly beloved sisters, St. Paul said, 'Let the woman
keep silent in the churches,' and Timothy said--"
,
"Pshaw, uncle Eli, don't commence that way," interrupted
a young lady from Fifth Avenue, "we don't want to hear about
St. Paul and Timothy. Tell us something about Worth
dresses, and Paris hats. Tell us about those shoddy people
who come here from Oil City. Tell-"
"Well, my children," began Uncle Eli, as he pushed the
Bible one side and took up a copy of the Ladies' Journal,
"I don't know much about shoddy people down in Oil City,
but I will tell you about the shoddy people who come up here
from New York. I will tell you how to tell shoddy people at
a glance." "How? O do tell us. Won't it be jolly nice?"
interrupted three young ladies from Madison Avenue as they
fluffed up their false bangs.
"Well, my children," began Mr. Perkins, "when a new
family first arrives at the hotel you must watch them closely.
Divinity puts up certain infallible signs to distinguish the igno-
rant and vulgar from the children of culture and virtue.
"1. If the lady comes into the parlor with a diamond ring
on the outside of her glove, and a long watch chain around her
neck, it is safe to ask her how much she gets a week." ["Hear,
hear!” and several ladies put their hands under their paniers.]
"2. If Providence erects a dyed mustache over the mouth
of a man, it is to show that he is a gambler or a vulgarian.
[Cheers, when two three-card-monte men, a gambler and four
hotel clerks from Kalamazoo, put their hands over their
mustaches.]
""
"3. If, when that new family enter or leave a. room, the
gentlemen rush ahead, leaving the ladies to follow, there is
something 'shoddy' somewhere.
"4. If the man presents the ladies to the gentlemen,
instead of vice versa, and they all shake hands on first presen-
tation, then you may know they hail from Hoboken.
5. If, when they go in to dinner, they do nothing but
VETRICAL WIT AND HUMOR.
327
loudly order the waiters around, and talk about the wine, you
can make up your mind that they are the first waiters they ever
had and the only wine they ever drank. If they pick their
teeth at the table, [a voice, Shoot them on the spot'] yes, my
friends, I say that to their teeth.
“6. If, when a gentleman sits in the parlor talking to a
lady, he doesn't sit up straight, but sprawls all over the sofa,
puts the soles of his boots on the lady's dress, on the furniture,
or wipes his shoes on his own white linen pantaloons, you'd
better refuse an introduction to him." [Applause, when eight
Fifth avenue "swells," who sat with their legs radiating like
the wings of a windmill, or sprawling one foot cross-legged in
the empty air, whirled themselves right side up.]
"7. If the ladies in that party whitewash their faces, redder
their lips, blacken their eyebrows, or bronze or yellow their
hair, just you think this is another sign which Providence puts
up so you can shun them. Enamel and hair dye are social
beacon-lights, to enable you to keep off the rocks of Cypria.
Just you keep away from such people, for they are wolves in
sheep's clothing."
Voice from a young lady - "But we want to look beautiful,
Mr. Perkins."
"But this will not make you beautiful, my children. Any
sweetheart who is so shallow as to take whitewash for the
human skin, or rouge for the rose-cheeks of nature, is too much
of a sap-head to make a good husband, and if he is smart
enough to see through your deception, why he will surely leave
you in disgust." [Applause by the gentlemen, while several
ladies turned around and wiped their powdered faces with their
pocket handkerchiefs.]
And, finally, my dear young ladies, if any young gentleman
with a celluloid collar from Alaska comes here and tries to hold
your hand on the balcony, tell him that Eli Perkins wears his
collars sewed on his shirts, and that you are engaged to him
for the next waltz. Tell him that any young man who would
WIT AND HUMOL.
cheat his washwoman out of three cents why such a young
man was not ordained by Providence to board with your father
and mother in a brown' stone house on Fifth avenue.
different!
Far
"Arise and sing!"
Uncle Henry's Creditors.
Albert Morse.
They were out collecting subscriptions for the Log City
Presbyterian church, One day Jonas White met Uncle Henry
in front of the grocery and asked him how much he going to
give toward the church.
"I suppose you will give us something, won't you, Uncle
Henry?" asked Mr. White.
"Can't do it,” replied Uncle Henry.
"Why not? Is not the cause a good one?"
"Yes, but I am not able to give anything."
"Pooh ! pooh! I know better; you must give a better reason
than that."
ܝ܀܀
"Well, I owe too much money-I must be just before I'm
generous, you know."
"But, Uncle Henry, you owe God a larger debt than you
owe anybody else.”
"That's true, Mr. White, but then He ain't pushing me
like the balance of my creditors."
* *
*
66
66
May I leave a few tracts?" asked a medical missionary of
a lady who responded to his knock.
"Leave some tracks? Certainly you may," said she, looking
at him most benignly over her specs.
"Leave them with the
heels towards the house, if you please.
* *
*
""
Patrick," said the priest, "how much hay did you steal?"
"Well, I may as well confess to your riverence for the whole
stack, for I am going after the rest tonight."
CLERICAL WIT AND HUMOR.
330
$
Legge, Bishop of Oxford, rashly invited a couple of wits-
Canning and Frere-to hear the first sermon after his appoint-
ment.
"Well," said he to Canning, "how did you like it?" "Why,
I thought it rather short."
"Oh, yes, I am aware it was short, but I was afraid of be-
ing tedious."
"Oh, you were tedious," said Canning.
""
K
The Original Collection Story.
Eli Perkins.
I'll tell an old story, which I wrote out once to illustrate my
Uncle Consider's piety in time of danger. The newspapers
got hold of it and it is now going the rounds, but it is my story
and I'm going to tell it now.
One day Uncle Consider and I were sailing up the Sound in
a yacht. As we passed Rye beach there arose a great storm.
The waves blew a hurricane, and the wind rolled mountain
high. We all rushed frantically about from the main top gib
to the low hen-coop-but everywhere death stared us in the
face.
**
In utter despair I said, "pray, dear Uncle, pray!" but he
said he couldn't.
Sez I, "Uncle Consider"-sez I, "Uncle-if you can't pray
please do something religious.'
"I will, Eli!" he said, wildly, ketchin' hold of hisself-and
what do you think he did?
Why he took up a collection!
"But I pass," said a minister one Sunday, in dismissing one
theme of his subject to take another.
"Then I make it spades!" yelled a man from the gallery
who was dreaming the happy hours away in an imaginary game
of euchre.
340
WIT AND HUMOR,
→
"Where was Bishop Latimer burned to death?" asked a
teacher, in a commanding voice.
"Joshua knows," said a little girl at the bottom of the
class.
66
Well," said the teacher, "if Joshua knows, he
In the fire," replied Joshua, looking very
wise.
66
""
may tell.
grave and
Bible Knowledge in Mauch Chunk.
Eli Perkins.
It is situ-
Mauch Chunk, Pa., is pronounced Mock Chunk.
ated on, and sometimes under, the Lehigh River. It is a queer
old town. It is built in a crack in the earth. On either side
you have to look straight up about half a mile before you can
see daylight. The sun rises there at nine in summer and sets
at four. In January, when the sun runs low, it does not strike
Mauch Chunk at all. The people receive their light as they
do in Norway in mid-winter-from reflected rays.
Mauch Chunk has the finest Episcopal church and the best
equipped hose company in all Pennsylvania. The deacons of
the church are the officers of the hose company. The other
day the fire bell rang in the middle of the sermon, and in less
than two minutes sixty-four members of the church had slung
off their plug hats and appeared at the brakes with red
shirts and fireman's hats. A few miles down the river from
Mauch Chunk is Bethlehem and Allentown. One day the
Superintendent of the Sabbath-school in Mauch Chunk was ex-
amining the school. When he asked where Christ was born a
little fellow answered:
"Christ was born in Allentown, sir."
66
No, my child," said the Superintendent. "Our Saviour
was born in Bethlehem."
"Well, I knew he was born somewhere down that way. I
got within four miles of it," said the boy.
A
CLERICAL WIT AND HUMOR,
34
"Carrie, Let Jim Seal that Vow!"
Eli Perkins.
At the Round Lake camp meeting many people sleep in the
same tent, being separated by cloth partitions. As young fel-
lows are thrown with pretty girls a good deal, it is nothing
against them that they sometimes fall in love.
A young Methodist fellow from Ballston had become quite
interested in a pretty daughter of a religious farmer. One
night, while a dozen of old cold-hearted fellows were trying to
sleep, they were continually disturbed by the lovers' spooney
talk, which they distinctly heard through the cotton cloth par-
tition.
They heard him say in a low, sweet clarendon voice, "now
Caroline, dear, do let me seal the vow-do!"
"No, James, I can not. What would my father and mother
say?" replied a sweet, girlish voice.
"But Caroline, you have promised to be mine-now let us
seal the vow-let us, do let us-won't you? Do kiss me!"
'No, James, I can not, oh, I can not-
(6
""
In a moment the tent partition parted, and a big whiskered
brother, who wanted to sleep, shouted, "for Heaven's sake,
Carrie, let Jim seal that vow. He'll keep us awake all night
if you don't!"
That vow was sealed,
Theology Mustn't Be Questioned,
A Richmond negro preacher said to his congregation: “My
bredrin, when de fust man, Adam, was created, he was made
ob wet clay, and set up agin de fire-place to dry.”
"Do you say,” said one of the congregation, rising to his
feet, "dat Adam was made ob wet clay, an' set up agin de
fire-place to dry?
"Yes, sar, I do."
""
342
WIT AND HUMOR.
"Den who made de fire-place?"
"Set down, sar," said the preacher, sternly, "sich dogon
questions as dat would upset any system ob theology."
4
Disturbed in Prayer.
A negro, who was suspected of surreptitiously meddling withi
his neighbor's fruit, was caught in a garden by moonlight.
"What you doing here Mr. Green?" was asked.
The good negro nonplused his detectors by raising his eyes,
clasping his hands, and piously exclaiming :
"Good Lord! dis yere darkey can't go nowhere to pray any
more without bein' 'sturbed."
Aunt Chloie and the Clergyman.
Eratique Henrique,
"Aunt Chloie, do you think you are a Christian?" asked
the temperance clergyman of an old negro woman who
was smoking a pipe.
"Yes, brudder, I spects I is."
"Do you believe in the Bible?"
"Yes, brudder."
"Do you know that there is a passage in the Scriptures that
declares that nothing unclean shall inherit the kingdom of
heaven?"
"Yes, I've heard of it.”
"Well, Chloe, you smoke, and you can not enter the kingdom
of heaven, because there is nothing so unclean as the breath of a
smoker. What do you say to that?"
"Why, I specks I leave my breff behind when I go dar."
Wicked Kalamazoo.
Eli Ferkins
It is the
Kalamazoo, Michigan, is a very wicked town.
haven of private dog fights and household draw poker. All
minstrel companies go there to get wrecked. I do not know

E
allkan
"Why, I specks I leave my breff behind when I go dar."
(See page 342.)
343
CLERICAL WIT AND HUMOR.
why they should get wrecked there, for they always have good
houses. It must be because the poor minstrels after the show
are invited into the best private Kalamazoo families for social
intercourse with deacons and clergymen, and are then robbed.
When I put up at Kalamazoo I always go to the jail. It is
really the only safe place for a traveling man to go to. I
always feel safe in the jail, for I know while I am there that
the citizens of the town cannot break through and steal my
jewelry.
The other day a Kalamazoo clergyman thus gave out a
church announcement:
"My dearly beloved brethren," he said, "services will be
held in this church next Sabbath, Providence permitting, and
it isn't good fishing in the river."
One night Rev. Mr. Moore announced:
"The Lord willing, and there being no ainstrel troupe in
town, there will be a prayer meeting in this church next
Thursday evening."
The Parson, the Crane and the Fish.
A devout clergyman sought every opportunity to impress
upon the mind of his so the fact, that God takes care of all
his creatures; that the falling sparrow attracts his attention, and
that his loving-kindness is over all his works. Happening one
day to see a crane wading in quest of food, the good man
pointed out to his son the perfect adaptation of the crane to
get his living in that manner.
"See," said he, "how his legs are formed for wading! What
a long, slender bill he has! Observe how nicely he folds his
feet when putting them in or drawing them out of the water!
He does not cause the slightest ripple. He is thus enabled to
approach the fish without giving them any notice of his arri-
val. My son," said he, "it is impossible to look at that bird
without recognizing the design, as well as the goodness of God,
WIT AND HUMOR.
344
in thus providing the means of subsistence." "Yes," replied
the boy; "I think I see the goodness of God, at least so far as
the crane is concerned; but, after all, father, don't you think
the arrangement a little tough on the fish?"
* *
*
Two little girls were comparing progress in catechism study :
"I've got to original sin," said one.
"How far have you
got?"
"Me? Oh, I'm way beyond redemption," said the other.
* *
X
66
Sarah," cried a girl looking out at the upper story of a
small grocery, addressing another girl who was trying to enter
at the front door, "we've all been to camp meeting and been
converted; so when you want milk on Sunday, you'll have to
come round to the back door.”
* *
*
A parson reading the funeral service at the grave, forgot the
sex of the deceased, and asked one of the mourners, an Emer-
alder "Is this a brother or a sister? 99
"Neither,” replied Pat, "only a cousin."
No Time to be Solemn.
A young clergyman at the first wedding he ever had, thought
it was a very good time to impress upon the couple before him
the solemnity of the act.
"I hope, Dennis," he said, "you have well considered this
solemn step in life."
"I hope so, your riverence," answered Dennis, holding his
license in his hand.
"It's a very important step you're taking, Mary," said the
minister.
"Yes, sir, I know it is," replied Mary, whimpering. "Per
haps we had better wait awhile."
"Perhaps we had, vour riverence," chimed in Dennis.
345
OLERICAL WIT AND HUMOR.
The minister, hardly expecting such a personal application
of his exhortation, and seeing the marriage fee vanishing
before his eyes, betook himself to a more cheerful aspect of
the situation, and said:
"Yes, of course, it's solemn and important, you know, but
it's a very happy time, after all, when people love each other.
Shall we go on with the service? ”
"Yes, your riverence," they both replied, and they were
soon made one in the bonds of matrimony; and that young
minister is now very careful how he introduces the solemn view
of marriage to timid couples.
How Farroll Used Scripture.
Mike Farrol', the adopted son of Senator Fenton, writes Eli
Perkins, was a classmate of mine in Union College. When
the war broke out I went into the United States Treasury in
Washington, and Farroll became Governor Fenton's private
ecretary. Farroll must have made a good deal of money in
Albany for he is rich now. He had a way of "striking" the
politicians who wanted a favor out of the Governor. One
day Farroll had for the third time been waited upon by an
impatient party, interested in two important bills which had
passed the Legislature, and with sundry others, were awaiting
the Governor's signature.
"Did you place my bills before His Excellency?" asked the
party of the secretary.
(6
N-n-not yet," said he (he had a slight impediment in his
speech); "n-not quite yet; the G-g-governor's v-very busy.
By-the-b-by, w-what was the n-name of the m-man that g-got up
into a t-tree, when our Savior was w-walking along that
w-way?"
""
"O, you mean Zaccheus ?
"Ye-es; that's the man. Well, do you r-recollect what was
s-said to him?”
WIT AND HUMOR
840
66
"Certainly; "Zaccheus, come down!"
Ex-ac-tly; ye-es, 'Come down!' I was thinking of that
ye-esterday, when you ccalled, but I c-couldn't rem-member
the name!"
The hint was taken; the party "came down" accordingly
and when he next called, his signed bills were ready for him.
Eli Perkins On Kentucky Piety.
A pious old Kentucky deacon-Deacon Shelby-was famous
as a shrewd horse dealer. One day farmer Jones went over to
Bourbon county, taking his black boy Jim with him, to trade
horses with the Deacon. After a good deal of dickering, they
finally made the trade, and Jim rode the new horse home.
"Whose horse is that, Jim?" asked some of the horse-
Irading deacon's neighbors, as Jim rode past.
"Massa Jones, sah."
"What! did Jones trade horses with Deacon Shelby?"
"Yes, massa dun traded wid de deakin.'
"Goodness, Jim! wasn't your master afraid the deacon
would get the best of him in the trade?"
"Oh no!" replied Jim, as his eyes glistened with a new in-
telligence, "Massa Jones knowed how Deakin Shelby dun got
kinder pious lately, and he was on his guard!'
A Delicate Conscience.
""
Two Irishmen were convicted of murder and called for sen-
tence. When asked what they had to say, one answered:
"We did it, sor. I sthruck him wid a stone and Moik he
hit him wid a shillelah, and then we both av us buried him in
the bog, sor.
22
"Well, well," said the judge, "but what did you do before
you threw the body into the bog?"
"Sure we searched him, sor."
CLERICAL WIT AND HUMOR.
"Yes, and what did you find?"
"Two shillin's and two sixpence, yer Honor."
"Well, anything else?"
"Yes, sor; a foine lunch of bread and mate.'
"Yes; and what did you do with that?"
"We were hungry, sor, and we ate the bread, but threw the
mate away."
"Why did you throw the meat away?"
"Sure it was Friday, sor."
""
The Clerical Call.
"You ought to have seen me," said the vivacious young
lady, who had just come to town, to the new minister.
had just got the skates on and made a start, when I came
down on my 22
46
Maggie!" said her mother.
""
"What? Oh, it was so funny! One skate went one way,
and the other'n tother way, and down I came on my-
"Margaret!" reprovingly spoke her father.
* *
*
"Well, what? They scooted from under me, and down I
came plump on my-"
66
Margaret!" yelled out both her parents.
"On my little brother, who held me by the hand, and I
liked to have smashed him. Now, what's the matter?"
The girl's mother emerged from behind the coffee pot, a
sigh of relief escaped from the minister, and the old gentle-
inan very adroitly turned the conversation on the subject of
our next mayor.
66
""I
* *
*
"Man," said the colored clergyman, "is de first animal in
creation; he springs up like a sparrow-grass, hops about like
a hopper-grass, and dies just like a jack-ass!"
A clergyman, who had been staying for some time at the
house of a friend, on going away, called to him little Tommy,
WIT AND HUMOR.
348
the four-year-old son of his host, and asked him what he
should give him for a present. Tommy, who had great respect
for the "cloth," thought it was his duty to suggest something
of a religious nature, so he answered, hesitatingly: "I-I
think I should like a Testament, and I know I should like a
pop-gun!"
000
"Do you subscribe to all the articles of the Athanasian
creed?" was asked an old lady.
"No, I don't! I can't afford it. There's a collection next
week for the convention fund, and I can't do any more," was
the reply.
Not Looking For Sal-Vation.
Up in Oshkosh the other day a fellow got lost from his sweet-
heart, and was rushing hurriedly down the crowded streets to
find her. After running about two squares he saw quite a
number of people going into a large building, which happened
to be a church, and he concluded to rush in and see if she was
there. The minister, seeing the excited lunatic, thought he
was seeking religion, stopped preaching and asked :
"I say, young man, are you looking for salvation? ”
"No, sir, I don't know her at all. I'm looking for Sal
Stickem; is she here?"
On the Wrong Road to Heaven.
"Where are you going?" said a young gentleman to an
elderly one in a white cravat, whom he overtook a few miles
from Little Rock.
"I am going to Heaven, my son. I have been on the way
eighteen years.'
""
"Well, good-bye, old fellow; if you have been traveling
Jowards Heaven eighteen years, and got no nearer to it than
Arkansas, I'll take another route. Why, you are traveling
right away from it.”
349
OLFRICAL WIT AND HUMOR.
A Baptist and Congregational minister were riding together
one day, when there was strong manifestation of a coming
shower. The former suggested to the latter, who was driving,
that he had better quicken the speed of the horse. The Con-
gregationalist replied:
66
"Why, brother? are you afraid of water ?”
“Oh, no!” said the Baptist; "I am not afraid of water;
it's the sprinkling I wish to avoid."
A Very Clear Text.
Father Rollins, out in Wisconsin, was preaching from the
words, "He that believeth shall be saved." He opened at con-
siderable length with a general view of the subject, and then
concentrating his force, proceed to a critical exegesis of the text
in this wise:
"My brethern, I wish to direct you attention closely and
particularly to the wording of this Scripture, as thereby to
reach the very meat and substance of it. The text says, 'He
that believeth;' observe, my brethern, it does not say, 'He
that believes,' nor 'He that believed,' but it plainly and ex-
pressly declares, it is he that believeth who shall be saved.
Mark, my brethern, the force in the Scripture of the little
word eth!"
Perhaps they did mark it; but what the good preacher meant
was more than the wisest of them could tell.
"Sister, are you happy?
“Yes, deacon; I feel as though I was in Beelzebub's bosom.”
"Not in Beelzebub's?"
"Well, in some of the patriarchs; I don't care which !"
* *
*
""
K
A Funny Mistake.
Darwin Morse.
Deacon Wood, of the Log City Presbyterian church, had sent
off and got a new hymn book for the congregation containing
WIT AND HUMOR.
350
hymns and notes. He had been supplying them to the choir
for seventy-five cents each.
One day after Elder Cleveland had finished his sermon, and
just before dismissing the congregation, he arose and said :
"All you who have children to baptize will please to present
them next Sabbath."
Deacon Wood, who didn't hear Elder Cleveland distinctly
and who had an eye on selling the books, and supposing the
pastor was referring to them, immediately arose and said:
"All you who havn't, can get as many as you want by call-
ing on me, at seventy-five cents each."
As Mr. Wood had never had many children, the mistake
was very ludicrous.
The Trinity Illustrated.
The best illustration of the trinity (three in one) that has
occurred for a long time, tock place in Ann Arbor, Michigan.
The Rev. Hosea Brown, a joking methodist preacher, put up
at an Ann Arbor hotel.
66
"Now I want a room by myself," he said.
Very well," said the clerk, "unless we should have to put
someone in with you.'
Sure enough more guests arrived and the clerk had to put
another lodger in parson Brown's room.
"Hello there, parson!" he said, banging on the door about
midnight.
"What do you want?" asked the parson, awakening from a
deep sleep.
"You must take another lodger, sir, with you," said the
voice of the clerk.
"What! another yet?"
"Why, yes-there is only one in there, isn't there?"
"One! why here are three of us. There is Mr. Brown, and
24
351
OLERICAL WIT AND HUMOR.
2
a Methodist preacher, and myself, already, and I should think
that enough for one bed, even in Michigan."
The landlord seemed to think so too, and left the trio to
their repose.
* *
A preacher in one of the fashionable London churches is re-
ported to have said, "St. Paul remarks, and I partially
agree with him." This reminds us of the judge who, in sen-
tencing a prisoner to death, observed, "Prisoner at the bar,
you will soon have to appear before another and perhaps a
better Judge."
Better Acquainted Wid de Lord.
The colored brethren in Richmond were having a revival
meeting, says the Religious Telescope. Everyone was earnestly
devoting himself to the good cause. All seemed to feel the
need of a more thorough reformation.
A brother was suppli-
cating the throne eloquently when another brother called out in
a stentorian voice:
"Who dat prayin' ober dar?"
The response was:
"Dat's brudder Mose."
"Hold on dar, brudder Mose," was the dictum of the
former, "you let brudder Ryan pray, he's better 'quainted wid
de Lord dan you am!"
New York Religion.
"John," said a rich New York grocer to his man,
you mixed the glucose with the cyrup?"
"Yes, sir."
"And sanded the sugar, too?"
"Yes, sir."
"Dampened the tobacco?"
Eli Perkins.
"have
WIT AND HUMOR.
"Yes, sir."
“And watered the whisky?"
"Yes, sir."
"Then you may come in to prayers.
* *
*.
35
A negro, about dying, was told by his minister that he must
forgive a certain darkey against whom he seemed to entertain
very bitter feelings.
"Yes, sah," he replied, "if I dies, I forgive dat nigger, but
if I gets well, dat nigger must take care."
Disliked New Acquaintances.
A Jerseyman was very sick and not expected to recover.
His friends got around the bed, and one of them said:
"John, do you feel willing to die?"
John made an effort to give his views on the subject, and
inswered with a feeble voice,
“I think I'd rather stay here in Newark where I am better
acquainted."
Ol Nigger Dickson.
Mr. Dickson, a colored barber in a large New England
town, was shaving one of his customers, a respectable citizen,
one morning, when a conversation occurred between them
respecting Mr. Dickson's former connection with a colored
church in that place :
“I believe you are connected with the church in Elm Street,
are you not, Mr. Dickson?" said the customer.
"No, sah, not at all.”
"What are you not a member of the African church?”
"Not dis yeah, sah."
"Why did you leave their communion, Mr. Dickson, if I
may be permitted to ask?"
OLERICAL WIT AND HUMOR.
"Well, I'll tell you, sah," said Mr. Dickson, stropping a
concave razor on the palm of his hand, "it was just like dis.
I jined the church in good fait. I gave ten dollars toward the
stated gospil de fuss year, and de church people call me 'Brud
der Dickson;' de second year my business was not so good,
and I gib only five dollars. That year the people call me Mr.
Dickson. Dis razor hurt you, sah?”
"No, the razor goes tolerably well."
"Well, sah, de third year I feel berry poor; had sickness in
my family; I didn't gib noffin' for preachin'. Well, sah, arter
dat dey call me 'dat old nigger Dickson'-and I left 'em."
The Sabbath School Lesson.
"My son, what is a tare?"
The father was hearing his boy recite his Sunday School
lesson from the fourteenth chapter of Matthew, where the devil
went about sowing tares.
"Tell me, my son, what is a tare?"
"You had 'em."
ind
"I had 'em? Why, Johnny, what do you mean?"
"Why, last week, when you didn't come home for three
days," said Johnny, "I heard mother tell aunt Susan that you
were on a tare."
How He Squelched the Methodists.
An old Negro, near Victoria, Texas, who was the only
Baptist in the neighborhood, always "stuck up for his own
faith," and was ready with a reason for it, although he was
unable to read a word. This was the way he "put 'em
down:"
"You kin read, now, keant you?"
"Yes. "
WIT AND HUMOR.
354
"Well, I s'pose you've read the Bible, hain't you?"
"Yes."
"You've read about John de Baptist, hain't you?"
"Yes."
F
“Well, you never read about John de Methodis', did you?
You see I has de Bible on my side, den. Yah, ya-a-h!”
X X
*
"I take my tex dis morning," said a colored preacher,
"from dat po'tion ob de Scriptures whar de Postol Paul pints
his pistol to de Fessions."
Widow Maloney's Pig.
Mike Murphy was taken to task by his spiritual adviser for
having stolen widow Maloney's pig. The evidence against
Mike was so direct and positive, that it was worse than useless
for him to deny the crime, and he listened with downcast eyes
and much meekness to a well-deserved lecture from the priest,
upon the wickedness of the theft he had committed, till the
reverend gentleman asked him what he would say in the day
of judgment when he should be confronted by Mrs. Maloney
and her pig? when he brightened up at a happy thought, and
said:
"And ye say that the pig 'il be there, yer riverence?"
"Yes, the pig 'll there, and Mrs. Maloney 'll be there, too,
living witnesses against you. What, I repeat, can you say
in such a presence?"
“Yer riverence, I'll say, Widow Maloney, there's yer pig,
take it!"
A. Protestant Cow.
"Well, Pat, my darling, and where did you git that baste
of a cow?” asked, the Irishman's wife, as Pat drove the new
cow into the yard.
"Sure an' I got her of old Mr. Higgins, the Methodist
minister, who lives up the road."
365
CLERICAL WIT AND HUMOR.
"
P
"What, did you buy a cow of that old Protestant ? ”
"And why not, Bridget, dear? Just you bring out that
bottle of holy water, and I'll be after pouring it on her, and it
will make her all right in no time.”
Bridget did as she was bid, and bringing the bottle to Pat,
he took it and poured it on the animal's back, making the
cross with all due devotion as he poured. But the old woman,
by mistake, had brought him a bottle of vitriol, and Pat was
astonished to find that the cow was frantic under the operation,
kicking worse, by far, than before he applied the holy water.
He tried it again, and poured on more, when the cow broke
ioose from Pat, and kicked him over, as she dashed away,
to the terror of poor Bridget, who cried out:
"Holy Virgin, and mither of Moses! isn't the Protestant
strong in her yet ?”
The Parable of the Virgins.
The Rev. John Jasper, of Richmond, preached as follows:
My dearly belobed breth'ren. Before I begin my sermon on
de foolish virgins I wish to inquire. "Why are so many of
dese hyar seats vacant?
"Where is de brudders and sisters who ought to be settin'
hyar?
"Oh, some of dem is down on Bay street sparkin', and
some of dem is in card houses, and some is in drunken houses,
and some is sittin' at home bekase deyse too tired!
"Oh-er! brudderin, when you true believers gets up to de
white frone den people will come to you and say:
"Gib us of your oil, for our lamps done gone out,' and you
will say-er, 'You can't come dat game on us. No-er, for de
tex says, 'Dese shall go into eberlastin' punishment, but the
righteous inter life eternal.'
+
"Dere's a great many people talks 'ligion bery loud down in
Bay street in de day time, but where is dey tonight?
WIT AND HUMOR,
356
"Why-er, deyse foolin' round expectin' when de bridegroom
comes-er to borry oil from dem dat's got no mo'.
'But what does the Scripter say-cr?
"Why, it says, 'Let dem go radder to him dat sells it at de
sto',' and while dey is gone de do' is slammed shet, for de tex
says, 'Dese shall go into eberlastin' punishment, but de
righteous into life eternal."
"Now brudderin and friends, what would you think of any
of you ladies and gentlemen who would go splurging down
Bay street with a hat, a watch, a coat, or dress or bonnet on
what didn't belong to you? Stickin' up your nose because
you's so berry fine, and everybody sayin' as you go long dem
wan't your own close, wouldn't you feel cheap?
"But dey's going to be fooled, for de tex says-er dese shall
go into eberlastin' punishment, but de righteous into life
eternal !
"Oh, yes-er, my beloved brudderin and sisters, you can't go
a sailin' into hebben on borrowed close, as you sails down Bay
street, for it is written, Ebery tub mus' stand on its own
bottom, and ebery knee shall bow, and ebery tongue shall
confess dat fire and brimstone shall be dere po'tion for eber
and eber,' and de tex says, 'Dese shall go into eberlastin' pun-
ishment, but de righteous into life eternal.""
"
A Nice, Aisy Job.
Two Irishmen, shoveling sand on a hot day, stopped to rest
and to exchange views on the labor question.
"Pat, this is mighty hard work we're at.”
"It is, indeed, Jimmy; but what kind of work is it you'd
loike if ye could get it?”
"Well," said the other, leaning reflectively upon his shovel,
and wiping the perspiration off with the back of his hand, “for
a nice, aisy, clane business I think I would loike to be a
bishop.
357
CLERICAL WIT AND HUMOR.
A Whole Sermon.
Whoever plants a leaf beneath the sod,
And waits to see it push away the clod,
He trusts in God.
Whoever says, when clouds are in the sky,
"Be patient, heart; light breaketh by-and-by."
He trusts in God.
Whoever sees, 'neath Winter's field of snow,
The silent harvests of the future grow,
God's power must know.
Whoever lies down on his couch to sleep,
Content to lock each sense in slumber deep,
Knows God will keep.
Whoever says “tomorrow," "The unknown,”
"The future," trusts unto that power alone
He dares disown.
The heart that looks on when the eyelids close,
And dares to live when life has only woes,
God's comforts knows.
ļ
For The Benefit of The Poor.
A company of minstrels went to a town not far from Boston,
recently, and advertised to give a performance for "the bene
fit of the poor- tickets reduced to ten cents." The hall was
crammed full. The next morning a committee of the poor
called upon the treasurer of the concern for the amount said
benefit had netted. The treasurer expressed astonishment at
the demand.
"I thought," said the chairman of the committee, "you
advertised this concert for the benefit of the poor?"
"Didn't we put the tickets down to ten cents, so that the
poor could all come?"
"Yes, but we thought you were to give the results to the
poor."
99
WIT AND HUMOR,
358
f.
66
"We have given the results to the poor to the pos
minstrels."
He was right, for the paper the next week spoke of them as
the poorest minstrels that had ever struck the town.
* *
*
"I speculate a little."
"How speculate?”
"Sells chickens."
What bird did Noah send out of the ark?" asked a Sab-
bath-school teacher of a class of boys.
"A dove, sir!" said the smallest boy in the class.
"Very well, but I should have thought some of you big
boys would have known that," said the teacher.
"But that boy ought to know, sir," said a big boy, "'cause
his father's a bird ketcher, sir."
Busy With Clerical Duties.
"What other business do you follow besides preaching?"
was asked of an old colored man.
"Where do you get the chickens?"
"My boys fetch 'em in.
Matematykalý
λ
1
>>
"Where do they get them?
"I doan know, sah. I'se allers so busy with my preachin'
dat I ain't got time to ax. I was a gwine to inquire de udder
day, but a 'vival come on an' tuk up all my time."
Willing to Assist.
An old and weather-worn trapper was recently seen saunter-
ing along the main street of Oshkosh. Pausing in front of a
little meeting-house for a moment, he went in and took his seat
among the congregation. The preacher was discoursing on the
359
CLERICAL WIT AND HUMOR.
I
text of "the sheep and the wolves," and had evidently been
drawing a contrast between the twe subjects. Says he:
"We who have assembled here from week to week and do
our duty, and perform our part, are the sheep; now who are
the wolves?"
A pause, and our friend the trapper rose to his feet:
"Wa'al, stranger, rather than see the play stopped, I will
be the wolves."
A Ghost Story,
A foolish Irish fellow went to the parish priest and told him,
with a very long face, that he had seen a ghost.
"When and where?" said the pastor.
"Last night," replied the timid man, "I was passing by the
church, and up against the wall of it did I behold the spectre.
"In what shape did it appear?" inquired the priest.
“It appeared in the shape of a great ass."
"Go home and hold your tongue about it," rejoined the
priest; "you are a very timid man, and have been frightened
by your own shadow.”
What the Jew thinks about Jerusalem.
Alex. Sweet.
The real sentiment of the Israelites in regard to Jerusalem
and the Holy Land was admirably illustrated by a conversa
tion we overheard only a few days ago. Mose Cohen met Jacob
Levy, and the former said:
رو
"Moses, don't forget dot next Chewsday ve Chews must put
on sackcloth mit ashes, and veep like ter tayfel.
"Vy sheuld ve Chews weep next Chewsday more den on
any udder day?" asked Levy.
"Pecause next Chewsday vas dat day on which Jerusalem
vash destroyed by de Romans.'
"Ish dot so?"
ور
رو
• It ish chust so.”
16 But I don't see vy we should veep on dot Chewsday ven
WIT AND HUMOR
360
Jerusalem vash destroyed any more den on any udder day.
Ve don't own any houses in dot town"
"Dot's vot I say," was the philosophic response.
He Wasn't Ready.
Old Isaac was, or rather believed himself to be, a very de-
vout Christian, "wrestled" much in prayer, and it was his
custom at night, when his work was over, to retire to his cabin,
and devote himself to worship until bedtime. These exercises
were carried on in so loud a tone as to be heard by all the per-
sons on the farm, white and black, and old Isaac's earnest and
frequent announcements that he was always ready to meet his
"Lawd" had been so often heard that some rascally boys con-
cluded to have some fun, and at the same time test Isaac's
faith. One night, therefore, while old Isaac was under full
headway in his exercises:
"O Lawd! we know dy long suf'rin fur dis beni'ted sinner
but we feel, O Lawd! dat in dy love we will be spahed dy van-
gins and raf. We are always reddy. Lawd, at dy biddin, to
cum to de, and to meet dy angel Gabr'el. Send him, O Lawd i
wid his shinin' trumpit, his robes ov glory, and his crown ov
life, and take dy poh sahvant into dy vineyard-
""
"Is-a-ac! Is-a-ac!" came in deep, sepulchral tones down the
chimney.
"Amen!" softly said Isaac, closing his prayer abruptly, and
rising with fear and trembling
"Is-a-ac! Is-a-ac!" came the still dreadful tones.
"Who-ho-ho's dat?" stammered the awe-stricken negro.
"The-angel-of-the-Lord-has-come-for-Isaac ! "
came in slow, solemn tones, with measured emphasis, from the
darkness outside
Isaac hesitated, and then, with a snow of enforced courage,
it came :
"De Lawd bless you, dat old nigger hain't been here for
week !"
CLERICAL WIT AND KUMOR.
The Force of Prejudice
A very low-church minister was reproving his curate for hav-
ing taken part in a wedding breakfast.
"But, sir," said the young man, in amazement, "our Lord
himself was present at a wedding feast in Cana."
"That's perfectly true, young man," answered the parson;
"but in my opinion he had much better have stopped away."
The Dean of Galsford,
66
'I have my doubts about the Thirty-nine Articles, sir,” said
a too conscientious Christ Churchman to him on the eve of
taking his degree. The Dean of Galsford looked at the
troubled one in a hard, sardonic way, and asked:
"How much do you weigh, sir?"
99
"About ten stone, I think, sir," was the astonished answer
"And how tall are you to half an inch ?"
"I really don't know to half an inch."
"And how old are you to an hour?"
The dubious one was speechless.
"Well you are in doubt about everything that relates to
yourself," cried the Dean, triumphantly, "and yet you walk
about, saying: 'I am 20 years old, I weigh ten stone, and am
5 feet 8 inches high.' Go, sign the Articles, it will be a long
time before you find anything that suggests no doubts."
How Brother Brooks Swore.
The death of the Rev. Charles T. Brooks, of Newport, R. 1.,
recalls a little anecdote about him. At a tea party, given by a
member of the Rev. Dr. Thayer's church a few years ago, a
lady playfully remonstrated with Dr. Thayer for his intimacy
with the Unitarian divine.
"It is true," said Dr. Thayer, "that Mr. Brooks and I are
WIT AND HUMOR
362
very good friends, and that I am really very fond of him. He
is a most delightful companion, and we often go fishing to-
gether. Today, however, while we were on the fishing-ground,
he shocked me by a little exhibition of profanity."
"Profanity!" exclaimed the orthodox sister, "you don't
really mean that Mr. Brooks is profane?”
"I must confess that he was somewhat so today," said good
Dr. Thayer. "You see, it happened thus: we were at anchor
with our lines out, Brother Brooks, the skipper, and I, when,
after some tedious waiting, the skipper cried out :
“I had a d―n good bite then!" whereupon my Brother
Brooks quickly responded, "So did I!'”
Simple Faith.
Bill Nye.
Up in Polk County, Wisconsin, not long ago, a man who had
lost eight children by diphtheria, while the ninth hovered
between life and death with the same disease, went to the
Health Officer of the town and asked aid to prevent the spread
of the terrible scourge. The Health Officer was cool and col
lected. He did not get excited over the anguish of the father
whose last child was at that moment hovering upon the out
skirts of immortality. He calmly investigated the matter, and
never for a moment lost sight of the fact that he was a town
officer and a professed Christian.
You ask aid, I understand," said he, "to prevent the
spread of the disease, and also that the town shall assist you
in procuring new and necessary clothing to replace that which
you have been compelled to burn in order to stop the further
inroads of diphtheria. Am I right?"
The poor man answered affirmatively
"May I ask if your boys who died were Christian boys, and
whether they improved their Gospel opportunities and attended
the Sabbath school, or whether they were profane and given
over to Sabbath breaking"
563
OLERICAL, WIT AND HUMOK,
The bereft father said that his boys had never made a pro
fession of Christianity; that they were hardly old enough to
do so; and that they might have missed some Gospel oppor
tunities, owing to the fact that they were poor and hadn't
clothes fit to wear to Sabbath-school. Possibly, too, they had
met with wicked companions and had been taught to swear;
he could not say but they might have sworn, although he
thought they would have turned out to be good boys had they
lived
66 I am sorry
that the case is so bad," said the Health Office:
"I am led to believe that God has seen fit to visit you with afflic
tion in order to express His divine disapproval of profanity,
and I cannot help you. It ill becomes us poor, weak worms
of the dust to meddle with the just judgments of God. Whe-
ther as an individual or as a quasi corporation, it is well to
allow the Almighty to work out His great plan of salvation,
and to avoid all carnal interference with the works of God."
The old man went back to his desolate home, and to the bed-
side of his only living child. I met him yesterday, and he
told me about it all. "I am not a professor of religion,” said
he, "but I tell you, Mr. Nye, I don't believe that this Board
of health has used me right. Somehow I ain't worried about
my little fellers that's gone. They was little fellers, any way,
and they wasn't posted on the plan of salvation, but they was
always kind and always minded me and their mother. If God
is using diphtheria agin perfanity this season, they didn't know
it. They was too young to know about it and I was too poor
to take the papers, so I didn't know it nuther. I just thought
that Christ was partial to little kids like mine, just the same as
He used to be 3,000 years ago, when the country was new.
I
admit that my little shavers never went to Sabbath-school much,
and I wasn't scholar enough to throw much light onto God's
system of retribution, but I told 'em to behave themselves
and they did, and we had a good deal of fun together-me
and the boys-and they was so bright, and square and cute,
WIT AND HUMOS.
364
that I didn't see how they could fall under divine wrath, and
I don't believe they did. I could tell you lots of smart little
tricks that they used to do, Mr. Nye, but they wa'n't mean no
cussed. They was just frolicky and gay sometimes because
they felt good.
"Mind you, I don't kick because I am left here alone in the
woods, and the sun don't seem to shine, and the birds seem a
little backward about singin' this spring, and the house is sc
quiot, and she is still all the time and cries in the night when
she thinks I am asleep. All that is tough, Mr. Nye—tough
as the old Harry, too--but it's so, and 1 ain't murmurin', but
when the board of health says to me that the Ruler of the
Universe is makin a tower of northern Wisconsin, mowin'
down little boys with sore throat because they say 'gosh,' 1
can't believe it.
4
6
"I know that people who ain't familiar with the facts wili
shake their heads and say I'm a child of wrath, but I can't
help it.
All I can do is to go up there under the trees where
them little graves is and think how all-fired pleasant to me
them little, short lives was, and how every one of them little
fellers was welcome when he come, poor as I was, and how I
rastled with poor crops and pine stumps to buy cloze fer 'em,
and didn't care a cent for style as long as they was well
That's the kind of a heretic I am, and if God is like a father,
that settles it. He wouldn't wipe out my family just to estab
lish discipline, I don't believe. The plan of creation must be
on a bigger scale than that, it seems to me, or else it's more or
less of a fizzle.
"That board of health is better read than I am. It takes
the papers and can add up figures, and do lots of things that I
can't do, but when them fellers tells me that they represent the
town of Balsan Lake and the Kingdom of Heaven, my mor-
bid curiosity is aroused, and I want to see their stiffykits of
election,"
365
CLERICAL WIT AND HUMOR.
What Constitutes A Good Sermon.
"That was a good sermon," said Job Shuttle, as he sauntered
out of the vestibule.
"Pretty good," replied Patience. "I hope you'll profit
by it."
"Why, there was nothing in it that applied to me at all."
"Oh, that's why you say it was 'a good sermon,' I suppose."
A Good Sermon.
"Boy," said Brother Gardner, "take off dat swaller-tailed
coat! Jump outer dem tight pants! Drop that silk necktie !
Den you go to work an' fin' a cheap boardin' house an' begin to
pay your debts. Let your cloze match your salary. Let your
board match your cloze. Be what you am-a common sort oi
pussen whose assets will kiver his liabilities by hard pullin'.
You can't deceive anybody, and the less you try to de better
people will like you."
LAWYERS' WIT AND HUMOR.
WIT AND HUMOR OF LAWYERS, JUDGES, JURORS AND WITNESSES.
A Lawyer's Heart
Elt Perkins,
"Have you ever been in prison?" asked a badgering law
yer of a modest witness, whom he was trying to bully.
The witness did not answer.
66
Come, now, speak up, no concealment. Have you ever
been in prison, sir?”
"Yes, sir, once," answered the witness, looking modestly
down to the floor.
66
'Yes, I thought so. Now when? When were you in prison,
sir?"
"In 1863."
"Where, sir?”
The witness hesitated.
"Come, own up, now, no dodging," screamed the lawyer.
"Now where were you in prison, sir?"
“ In————in—in-
""
"Don't stammer, sir! Out with it! Where was it?"
"In-in Andersonville, sir."
There was a moment's paifnul pause. Then the lawyer, who
was an old soldier, put his hand to his forehead as if a pistoi
shot had struck him, while the tears came to his eyes. Then
jumping forward, he clasped his arms around the witness' necs,
and exclaimed:
"My God! I was there myself !
366
25
567
LAWYERS.
Chief-Justice Chase and the Negro,
Chief-Justice Chase was once having an overccat lined with
coons' fur, writes Eli Perkins, when the negro tailor suggested
that the coat would be warmer if the fur were put outside.
"My experience has convinced me," said the Chief-Justice,
that far is warmer when it is worn inside of the garment,
and I never could understand why the coon doesn't wear his
fur that way."
“But you would know if you were a coon,” said Sambo.
"Why?" asked the Chief Justice.
"Because if you were a coon, Mr. Chase, you'd have more
sense i"
""
A Freeholder in Mississippi,
The editor of the Tioga Agitator once lived at Port Gibson
on the Mississippi river. There was a great deal of litigatior
down there, and the editor being summoned to sit on the jury,
fried to get excused.
When his name was called Judge Chambers asked him if he
were a freeholder.
"No, sir," said the editor, "I'm only staying in Port Gibson
*emporarily."
“You board at the hotel, I presume?" asked the judge.
"No, sir. I take my meals there, but have rooms in
another part of the town, where I lodge.”
"So you keep bachelor's hall?"
"Yes, sir."
"
"How long have you lived in that manner ?
About six months."
I think you are qualified," gravely remarked the judge,
*for I have never known a man to keep bachelor's hall the
ength of time you name who had not dirt enough in his room
to make him a freeholder. The court does not excuse you."
WIT AND HUMOR.
The Max With. Life in Eim.
O'Connell once caught a lying witness who was swearing to
the signature of a will. The council asked,
The council asked, "Was this mar
alive when he signed the will?"
"There was life in him, yer honor."
"Can you swear that he was alive when he signed this will ?"
"He had life in him, sir.'
99
"On your soul's salvation, and before the Eternal God, was
the man alive?'
""
66
"No, sir," stammered the confused witness, he had a live
-fly-in-his-mouth!"
Solence with a
་
Ek Perkins.
Col. Ingersoll often squelched the opposing counsel by a
blast of ridicule. One day in Peoria they were trying a pat
ent churn case. The opposing counsel used many scientific
terms. He talked about the science of the machine, and how
his client had contributed to science a valuable discovery.
99
"Science !" yelled Col. Ingersoll. "The opposing counsel is
always talking about science and see (looking over at the op
posing counsel's brief) he spells it with a 'y'--with a 'y,
siz!"
Y.
The Witness who Answered as the Lawyers Asked
"Do you know the prisoner well?" asked the attorney.
"I never knew him sick," replied the witness.
you
"No levity," said the lawyer, sternly. "Now, sir, did
ever see the prisoner at the bar?"
"Thousands of times, sir, I've drank-"
Answer my question, sir," yelled the lawyer.
long have you known the prisoner ? "
"From two feet up to five feet ten inches"
1
35 CON
369
LAWYERS.
"Will the court make the
"I have, Jedge," said the witness, anticipating the lawver;
I have answered the question. I knowed the prisoner when
he was a boy two feet long and a man five feet ten."
"Your Honor ""
29
"It's fact, Jedge, I'm under oath," persisted the witness.
The lawyer arose, placed both hands on the table in front of
him, spread his legs apart, leaned his body over the table, and
said:
more.
"Will you tell the court what you know about this case?"
"His name isn't Case, sir. His name is
99
"Be quiet, sir. Who said his name was Case?
"You did. You wanted to know what I knew about this
Case. His name's Smith."
"Your Honor," howled the attorney, plucking his beard
out by the roots,
66 will you make this man answer?"
"Witness," said the judge, "you must answer the ques-
tions put to you."
"Land o' Goshen, Jedge, hain't I been doin' it? Let the
blamed cuss fire away. I'm all ready.'
99
"Then," said the lawyer, "don't beat about the bush any
You and the prisoner have been friends!"
"Never," promptly responded the witness.
"What! Wasn't you summoned here as a friend?"
"No, sir; I was summoned here as a Presbyterian. Nary
one of us was ever Friends. He's a hard-shell Baptist, with-
out a drop of Quaker in him.”
"Stand down,” yelled the lawyer, in disgust.
"Hey?"
"Stand down."
""
"Can't do it. I'll sit down or stand up-"
"Sheriff, remove the man from the box.”
Witness retires muttering: Well, if he ain't the thick-
headedest lawyer I ever seed in this court house.
66
WIT AND HUMOR.
370 ·
Rufus Choate Outwitted.
Rufus Choate was seldom outwitted, but when he got hold of
Dick Barton, chief mate of the Chalenge, he found his match.
The case was assault and battery, and Mr. Choate was examin-
ing the witness.
"Was the night when the assault was committed light or
dark?"
"Yes, sir, it was light or dark."
"Was it rainy?"
"Yes, sir."
"Was there a moon that night "
"Yes, sir."
66
Ah, yes! a moon
"Yes, a full moon.
"Did you see it? ”
.C
'No, sir, I did not.”
"Then how do you know there was a moon?
"The 'Nautical Almanac' said so, and I will believe that
sooner than any lawyer in the world."
"What was the principal luminary that night?"
“Binnacle lamp aboard the Challenge.'
99
"Ah! you are growing sharp, Mr. Barton."
"What in blazes have you been grinding me this hour for-
to make me dull?"
""
""
99
"Be civil, sir! And now tell me what latitude and longi-
tude you crossed the equator in."
"Ah! you refuse, do you?"
"Yes; I can't."
"Sho-you're joking!"
66
'No, sir, I am in earnest, and I desire you to answer me.”
"I shan't."
"Indeed! You are the chief mate of a clipper ship, and are
unable to answer so simple a question ? "
"Yes! 'tis the simplest question I ever had asked me.
371
LAWYERS.,
Why, I thought every fool of a lawyer knew that there was no
latitude at the equator. ""
That shot silenced the great lawyer.
Bantering Lawyers.
Two young lawyers had been fighting all day about the
"relevancy of testimony," when one got out of patience and
appealed to the judge.
"If your honor please," he said, turning to the judge, "I
desire to try this case on its merits, and according to the
established rules of evidence. The gentleman on the other
side certainly knows some law !"
This unexpected personal remark aroused brother G. into a
high pitch of excitement. Addressing the court, with cutting
emphasis he replied:
"I'm a fool, and I know it, and it don't hurt me a bit; but
the counsel upon the other side is a darned fool and don't
know it, and it's killing him; and the sooner he finds it out
the better for himself and his clients!"
Then, turning upon his opponent with venomous sarcasm,
he continued:
"You! you! what do you know? You think you're smart,
don't you? There (throwing him a half dollar), hurry up,
quick, tell me all you know, and give me the change.”
At this point the court interfered, and the case proceeded.
X. X.
*
66
"My lord," began a pompous young barrister, "it is written
in the Book of Nature--" "On what page, sir-on what
page?" interrupted the judge, with pen in hand.
Curran's Wig
A barrister entered court one morning with bis wig stuck on
one side. Unconscious of the absurdity of his appearance, and
WIT AND HUMOR,
372
surprised at the observations made upon it, he at length asked
Curran :
"Do you see anything ridiculous in this wig, Mr. Curran ?”
"Nothing except the head," was the consolatory answer.
**
Y
"I wish to ask the court," said a facetious lawyer, who had
been called to the witness stand to testify as an expert, "if I
am compelled to come into this case, in which I have no
personal interest, and give a legal opinion for another?"
"Yes, yes, certainly," replied the mild-mannered judge,
"give it for what it is worth,"
Law and Medicine
El Perkins
"Stop that coughing over there!" cried a New York judge.
"Such coughing disturbs the business of the court.”
There was a short painful silence, writes Eli Perkins, during
which a pale, consumptive man struggled with himself, then
coughed again, and continued it for several minutes.
"I'm bound to stop that coughing!" exclaimed the judge.
"I fine you ten dollars. I think that will stop it."
"Jedge," said the cadaverous man, "I'd be willin' to pay
twenty dollars to have that cough stopped. If you can stop it
for ten dollars, you'd better get down off that bench and go to
practicing medicine. There's money in it, jedge-money in
it!"
A. Smart Lawyer and a Stupid Judge.
James T. Brown, of Indiana, a smart lawyer, says an Ex-
change, was once employed to defend a case in the Circuit
Court of that State. The judge was not very learned in tech-
nicalities, knew but little Latin, and much less Greek. The
jury were ordinary farmers. After the plaintiff's counsel had
opened the case, Brown rose and spoke for two hours in a very
flowery and eloquent manner, repeating Latin and Greek, and
373
LAWYERS,
using all the technicalities he could think of. The jury sat
and eyed him with their mouths wide open, the judge looked
on with amazement, and the lawyers laughed aloud. Brown
closed. To the jury and court the whole argument was as
clear as mud. The case was submitted to them without one
word of reply, and their verdict, without leaving the box, was
against Brown.
In the morning Brown appeared in court, and, bowing
politely to the judge, made a motion for a new trial.
"May it please your honor, I humbly rise this morning to
move for a new trial; not on my own account, for I richly
deserve the verdict, but on behalf of my client, who is an
innocent party in this matter. On yesterday I gave wing to
to my imaginatior and rose above the stars in a blaze of glory
I saw at the time that it was all Greek and turkey tracks to
you and the jury. This morning I feel humble, and I promise
the court, if it will grant me a new trial, that I will try to
bring myself down to the comprehension of the court and
jury."
The Judge. "Motion overruled, and a fine of five dollars
imposed upon Mr. Brown for contempt of court."
"For what?”
"For insinuating that the court don't know Latin and Greek
from turkey tracks."
"I shall not appeal from that decision; your honor has com
prehended me this time.”
Laughed out of Court
At Erie, Pennsylvania, the editor of a German humorous
paper was sued for libel. On the opening of the trial the
defense was astounded by the district attorney claiming an
ancient right to "stand aside" any juror called until the box
was filled with men acceptable to the commonwealth, the
standing aside being independent of the peremptory challenges,
I
WIT AND HUMOR,
374
and allowable to the extent of standing aside the entire panel,
practically enabling the commonwealth to get a jury of its own
selection.
As the affair was between Germans and the Young Men's
Christian Association, the former were fearful that they would
all be made stand aside and kept off the jury.
On the second morning after the judge had ruled in favor of
the "stand aside" claim, Weiss, the defendant, convulsed
everybody by coming into court with an armful of ancient, legal
literature, obtained by ransacking every law library in the city,
and asserting a right, under the ruling of the court, to establish
his innocence by ordeal, or trial by combat. He contended
that if unrepealed ancient procedure is good law his claim to
demand the "wagere of battel" was as just and equitable as
the "stand aside" privilege. Shrieks of laughter followed the
sad-faced man's demand, irresistibly comical in itself, but the
more exquisite from the fact that he is a little, attenuated,
weak-chested, asthmatic body, weighing only ninety-eight
pounds, while his adversary is a herculean fellow who tips the
scale at two hundred pounds, and before whom in a personal
encounter the funny editor would melt away like the hoar frost
under the morning sun.
Weiss has carefully drawn up all his rights under the unre
pealed laws, and he proposes to make this judicial district sick
of King Edward the First. These alleged rights are:
First-The "ordeal of fire." He claims that he can demand
the establishment of his innocence by offering to plunge his
arm in boiling oil, pick up red-hot iron, or walk barefoot over
nine red-hot plowshares, and that if he sustain no hurt by the
operation, his ´innocence will be proved, and the costs belong
to the prosecutor. But this test, after mature deliberation, he
will waive. "All that remains," says Weiss, "is to demand
the trial by combat, and may God defend the guiltless."
He describes the procedure of this combat as follows, pro-
ducing ancient authority in its support:
LAWYERS.
The judges and clergy are to assemble on a given day, and
before them the accused person must fling down his glove and
declare his intention to defend the same with his body. The
prosecutor will then pick it up and announce his readiness to
make good the appeal, body for body. Then both men will
bring out their battle-axes or javelins, and, kneeling before the
judges, will make oath that the weapons have not been charmed
by witchcraft, etc. This done, each is to grasp his axe in the
right hand, and the left hand of the other in his left.
The ac-
cused person to say: "Hear this, O man, who callest thyself
John Firch by the name of baptism, that I, who call myself
Frank Weiss by the name of baptism, did not libel you, so help
me God and all the saints." To which the accuser will reply:
"Hear me, O man, whom I hold by the hand, and who callest.
thyself Frank Weiss by the name of baptism, that I do hold
thee perjured, and this I will prove with my body, so help me
God and all the saints." At a signal from Judge Galbraith
the men will come out of their corners and go for each other,
and his cause shall be deemed just who succeeds in carving
up the other before the going down of the sun.
The merriment caused by Weiss's claim can better be im
agined than described. One stout juror came near having a fit
of apoplexy, and another laughed himself into imbecility.
During the roars of laughter Weiss stood without a smile on
his face, a picture of solid, substantial misery. While conscious
of the absurdity of his claims and the impossibility of substan-
tiating them, Weiss made the appeal with a tragic earnestness
that almost induced convulsions. The upshot is likely to be
that the case will be laughed out of court.
11
A Stubborn Jury.
Colonel Mason, who lives in Washington county, Maine, had a
great aptitude for serving as a juror. When thus serving, he
was very anxious that his opinion should be largely consulted
17
WIT AND HUMOR,
376
in making up a verdict. Some years ago, while upon a case,
after many hours' trial to agree, but failing, he marshaled the
delinquent jury from the room to their seats in the court, where
the impatient crowd awaited the result of the trial.
"Have you agreed upon a verdict?" inquired the clerk.
Col. Marose, turned a withering glance upon his brother
jurors, and exclaimed:
"
"May it please the court, we have not; I have done the
best I could do, but here are eleven of the most contrary devils
I ever had any dealings with."
An Ingenious Client.
Opie P. Read.
6.6
"I want to engage your services," said an Arkansaw man tó
a lawyer.
"All right, sir, be seated. What is the case?"
"There's a man in my neighborhood called Alex. Hippen.
I want you to prove that he stole a saddle."
"Did the saddle belong to you?"
"No."
"But then you are the prosecuting witness?"
"No, I don't propose to have anything to do with the
case."
"Then why do you want me to prove that Hippin stole the
saddle?"
"You see, I stole the saddle myself, and if I can prove that
Hippin stole it, I'm all right."
66
We'll fix that. Of course we can prove that
Ah, I see.
he stole it."
Oratory on a Jury.
Eli Perkins,
Oratory will do with an ignorant jury but not with an intelli-
gent jury. Charles O'Connor says oratory is nothing but the
old clothes around a thought A great flourish of oratory is

23/
८
QU.S
Lamy '95
"Here are eleven of the most contrary devils I ever had any dealings with." (See page 376.)
LAWYERS.
877
always to catch the house, but not the jury. "A great speech,"
says O'Connor, "is one thing, but the verdict is the thing."
When Charles O'Connor stood before the Supreme Court in
Washington, endeavoring to win a hundred-thousand dollar fee,
there was perfect intelligence on both sides and no oratory was
iased. Some one asked O'Connor why he didn't use more ora-
tory, he said:
"I wanted the hundred thousand dollars, not the empty ap-
plause. You can't sell oratory for a hundred thousand dollars,
you have to give it away on the Fourth of July."
When Chief Justice Parsons, of Massachusetts, was practic-
ing at the bar, a farmer, who had often heard him speak, was
asked what sort of a pleader he was.
"Oh, he is a good lawyer and an excellent counsellor, hut a
poor pleader," was the reply.
"But does he not win most of his causes ? "
"Yes, but that's because he knows the law, and can argue
well; but he's no crator."
A hard-headed bank president once congratulated himself,
in the presence of Mr. Mathews, on resisting, as a foreman of
a jury, the oratorical blandishments of Mr. Choate.
"Knowing his skill," said the hard-headed man, "in making
white appear black and black white, I made up my mind at
the outset that he should not fool me. He tried all his arts,
but it was of no use; I just decided accordingly to the law and
evidence."
"Of course," answered Mr. Mathews, "you gave your ver-
dict against Mr. Choate's client?"
"Why, no, we gave a verdict for his client; but then we
couldn't help it, he had the law and the evidence on his side."
It never occurred to the bank president or to the farmer that
Choate and Parsons were after verdicts, not admiration. And
they got them, because they sunk the orator into the advocate.
"Thou madest people say, 'How well he speaks!'” said
378
WIT AND HUMOR.
Demosthenes to Cicero, in Fenelon's "Dialogues of the Dead,
“but I made them say, 'Let us march against Philip !'"
That was true, but it required many passionate appeals front
this prince of orators before the Athenians uttered that cry.
More Bear than Law.
59
When Gratiot county, Michigan, first began to be disturbed
by pioneers, and soon after it had its first justice of the peace,
a farmer named Davison walked three miles to secure a
warrant for the arrest of his neighbor, named Meacham, for
assault and battery. To save the constable a three mile trip,
the defendant walked with the plaintiff. They encountered
his honor just leaving his house with his gun on his shoulder,
and Davison halted him with:
66
'Squire, I want a warrant for this man for striking me.”
"I'm in an awful hurry-come tomorrow."
"So'm I in a hurry, and I'm going to have a raising to-
morrow."
"Meacham, did you hit him ?"
"Yes."
66
'Davison, did you strike first?"
66 No."
"Meacham, had you rather work for him three days than go
to jail?"
"I guess so."
"And will that satisfy you, Davison?"
"Yes."
"Then make tracks for home and don't bother me another
minute! My son has just come in with the news that an old
bear and three cubs are up the same beech down at the edge
of the slushing, and I'm goin' to have some bear meat if it
upsets the Supreme Bench of Michigan. Court stands
adjourned at present ! "
LAWYERS.
379
Truth and Veracity.
In a recent murder trial at Bangor, Me., a Mrs. Flannagan
swore to a confession made to her by the respondent, where
upon defense called an old fellow who had said repeatedly he
wouldn't believe her under oath.
Lawyer: "Do you know the reputation of Mrs. Flannagan
for truth and veracity?"
Witness: "Wall, Square, I guess she'd tell the truth; but
about her veracity-well, now, some say she would and some
say she wouldn't."
He Challenged the Judge.
Alexander Sweets
A young lawyer was appointed to defend a negro who was
too poor to hire counsel of his own. After the jury was in
the box the young lawyer challenged several jurymen who, his
client said, had a prejudice against him.
"Are there any more jurymen who have a prejudice against
you?" whispered the young lawyer.
“No, boss, de jury an all right, but now I wants you to
thallenge de jedge. I has been convicted under him seberal
times already, and maybe he is beginnin' to hab prejudice agin
me."
The young lawyer, this being his first case, took the advice
of his client, and, addressing the Court, told the judge he
could step aside.
A Thick-headed Witness.
Pat Fogarty went all the way from Manchester to London to
thrash Mick Fitzpatrick, which he did, winding up the per-
formance with the assistance of an "awful horseshoe." He
was detected and brought before Mr. Justice Simpleman. A
part of the examination is annexed :
Court. "Well, sir, you came here from Manchester, aid
you?"
380
WIT AND HUMOR.
!
•
Pat. "Your honor has answered correct.”
Court. "You see the complainant's head; it was cut by a
sharp instrument. Do you know what cut it?"
Pat. "Ain't your honor afther sayin' that a sharp instrument
did?"
Court (becoming restive). "I see you mean to equivocate.
Now, sir, you cut that head; you came here to cut it, did you
not? Now, sir, what motive brought you to London ?"
Pat. "The locomotive, yer honor."
66
Court (waxing warm). Equivocating again, you scoun
drel!" (Raising up the horseshoe, and holding it before Pat),
"Do you see this horseshoe, sir?"
Pat.
Court.
you not tell at once that it is a horseshoe?"
Pat.
Court (angrily). "No?"
Pat. "No, yer honor; but can yerself tell?"
Court. "Of course I can, you stupid Irishman.”
Pat (soliloquizing aloud). "Oh, glory be to goodness, see
what education is, yer honor! Sure, a poor, ignorant creature
like myself wouldn't know a horseshoe from a mare's."-Lon-
don News.
"Is it a horseshoe, yer honor?”
"Don't you see it is, sir? Are you blind? Can
"Bedad, no, yer honor."
Which End?
A judge, pointing with his cane to a prisoner before him,
remarked:
"There is a great rogue at the end of this stick."
"At which end, your honor?" asked the prisoner.
A Queer Law Firm.
Isaac Ketchum and Uriah Cheatham were attorneys-at-law,
and everybody has heard of the sign over their office-door,
"Ketchum & Cheatham," which was so significant of the
LAWYERS.
381
trade, that they took it down and had another painted with
the addition of these initials:
It re-
"I. Ketchum & U. Cheatham," which was no better.
quired the full names, and then the idea was very clearly ex-
pressed, but it left the inference that Isaac would Ketch'em
and Uriah would Cheat'em.
They finally dissolved partnership, and often did for each
other what they were willing to do for the public at large.
"Now," said lawyer Gilbrath, of Erie, who was question-
ng a witness, "I want you to answer precisely every ques-
jon I ask you. Will you do it?"
"I will, sir."
"Now, what business do you follow?"
"I'm a driver, sir."
A Precise Answer.
"That is, you drive a wagon?"
"No, sir, I do not."
66
Why, sir, did you not tell me so this moment?”
"No, sir, I did not.
""
"Now, sir, I put it to you on your oath, do you drive a
wagon?
"No, sir."
"What is your occupation, then?"
"I drive a horse."
23
The Intelligent Juror.
"Do you know what a verdict is?" asked a challenging
lawyer of a colored juryman in Arkansas.
"No, sah."
"Did you ever see one?"
66
"No, sah! I nebber was at a show in my life."
26
382
WIT AND HUMOR.
Why Ell Perkins Left the Law and Became a Journalist.
I studied law once in the Washington Law School. In fact,
I was adınitted to the bar. I shall never forget my first case.
Neither will my client. I was called upon to defend a young
man for passing counterfeit money. I knew the young man
was innocent, because I lent him the money that caused him
to be arrested. Well, there was a hard feeling against the
young man in the county, and I pleaded for a change of venue.
I m de a great plea for it. I can remember, even now, how
fine it was.
It was filled with choice rhetoric and passionate
oratory. I quoted Kent and Blackstone and Littleton, and
cited precedent after precedent from the Digest and State
Reports. I wound up with a tremendous argument, amid the
applause of all the younger members of the bar. Then,
sanguine of success, I stood and awaited the judge's decision.
It soon came. The judge looked me full in the face and said:
"Your argument is good, Mr. Perkins, very good, and I've
been deeply interested in it and when a case comes up
that your argument fits, I shall give your remarks all the
consideration that they merit. Sit down!"
This is why I gave up law and resorted to lecturing and
writing for the newspapers.
A Precise Answer.
The following anecdote is submitted to professional gentle-
men who give evidence before coroner's juries: A witness for
the prosecution in a murder case was thus questioned by his
honor:
"You say you saw the man shot at and killed?”
"Yes, sir."
"You said, I think, that the charge struck the deceased on
his body, between the diaphragm and the duodenum ? ”
LAWYERS.
833
66
No, sir, I didn't say no sich thing. I said he was shot
between the hog-pen and the wood-house."
* *
*
"Do you think I shall have justice done me?" said a culprit
to his counsel, a shrewn Kentucky lawyer, of the best class
in that "eloquent State."
“I am a little afraid you won't,” replied the other; “I see
two men on the jury who are opposed to hanging !"
Grave Wit.
The bar is noted for its wit; but it is not always that the
best things are said before the bar. A poor fellow, in his
examination the other day, was asked if he had not been in
that court before, and what for? (He had been up for body
stealing).
"It was for nothin' at all," said the humorist, honly
rescuing a feller cretur from the grave."
"
Judicial Ignorance.
Last week, writes Alex. Sweet, a strapping negro woman
was up before an Austin justice, charged with unmercifully
beating her boy, a saddle-colored imp.
"I don't understand how you can have the heart to treat
your own child so cruelly."
"Jedge, has you been a parent of a wufless yaller boy like
dat ar cub of mine?"
"
"Den don't talk; you don't know nuffin about it!
"Never-no, never ! " ejaculated the judge, with great vehe-
mence, getting red in the face.
A Jury of His Peers.
El Perkins.
It has got to be understood that when a prisoner is innocent
he should be tried by a jury of his peers. You want a jury
884
WIT AND HUMOR.
then that cannot be fooled with then. You want a jury who
will give a true verdict. But when the prisoner is guilty and
you want to acquit him you must have an ignorant jury. You
want a jury that you can fool with-a jury that you can make
believe black is white. Such an ignorant jury should have low
brows and wear No. 6 hats. In order to get this ignorant
juror I submit the following old form for interrogating a jury-
man, which can be used by any lawyer:
Blank Form.
"Are you opposed to capital punishment?".
"Oh, yes yes, sir."
"If you were on a jury, then, where a man was being
tried for his life, you wouldn't agree to a verdict to hang
him?"
"Yes, sir-yes, I would."
“Have you formed or expressed an opinion as to the guilt
or innocence of the accused ? ”
"Yes, sir!"
"Your mind, then, is made up?"
""
"Oh, no-no, it ain't.
"Have you any bias for or against the prisoner?"
"Yes, I think I have."
"Are you prejudiced?"
"Oh, no, not a bit.”
"Have you ever heard of this case?”
"I think I have."
"Would you decide, if on the jury, according to the evi-
dence or mere rumor?'
66
""
"Mere rumor."
Perhaps you don't understand: would you decide accord
ing to evidence?"
"Evidence."
"If it was in your power to do so, would you change the
law of capital punishment or let it stand?"
"Let it stand.".
1
1
LAWYERS.
385
•
The court: "Would you let it stand or change it?"
"Change it."
"Now, which would you do?"
"Don't know, sir."
"Are you a freeholder? "
6.6
"Yes sir, oh, yes.”
"Do you own a house and land, or rent?*
99
"Neither-I'm a boarder."
"Have you formed an opinion?"
"No, sir."
"Have you expressed an opinion?
"Think I have."
* *
*
""
The court: "Gentlemen, I think the juror is competent. It
is very evident he has never formed or expressed an opinion
on the subject "
"Gentlemen of the jury," was the impassioned peroratior
of a lawyer in a city court a few days ago, "God knows my
client is innocent, and what is more to the purpose, I know it!
A Milwaukee Lawyer Who Knew Something.
A Milwaukee lawyer, who came back after some years'
absence from the city, and went almost immediately into the
trial of a jury case. "I believe," said he to his opponent, as
he glanced at the occupants of the jury-box, "I know more
than half those fellows, if I have been away so long."
“I should think it strange," was the encouraging reply, "if
you didn't know more than all of them!"
>
Hard On Lawyers.
El Perkins.
In Akron, Ohio, where they have the personal damag
temperance law, writes Eli Perkins, I heard of a funny ten
erance case. A rumsoller, whom I will call Hi Church,
because he was "high" mest of the time, who had been sued
several times for damage done by his rum on citizens of the
883
WIT AND HUMOR,
town. One man came out drunk and smashed in a big glase
window. He was toc poor to pay for it, and the owner came
against Church. A boy about sixteen got drunk and let a
horse run away, breaking his arm. His father made Church
pay the damage. A mechanic got drunk and was killed on
the railroad track, and his wife sued Church for $2,000 and
got it
A farmer got drunk and was burned in his barn on the
hay. His son sued Church and recovered $1,800. Church
got sick of paying out so much money for personal and prop
erty damages. It ate up all the rumseller's profits.
Still, he acknowledged the law to ve a statute, and that it
held him responsible for all the damage done by his rum.
He used to argue, also, that sometimes his rum did people
good, and then he said ho ought to receive something back.
One day, lawyer Thompson got to drinking. Thompson
was mean, like most all lawyers, and when he died of the
delirium tremens there wasn't much mourning in Akron.
There wasn't anybody who cared enough for Thompson to sue
Church for damage done. So, one day, Church went before
the Court himself.
"What does Mr. Church want?" asked the Justice.
"I tell yer what, Jedge," commenced the rumseller, "wher
my rum killed that thar mechanic Johnson and farmer Mason,
I cum down like a man. I paid the damage and squared up
like a Christian-now, didn't I, Jedge?"
"Yes, you paid the damage, Mr. Church; but what then?"
"Well, Jedge, my rum did a good deal to'ards killin' lawyer
Thompson, now, and it 'pears ter me when I kill a lawyer I
kinder oughter get a rebate !”
A Contingent Fee
A New Yorker asked Wm. M. Evarts what he would charge
for managing a certain law case,
"Well," said Mr. Evarts, "I will take your case on a contin
gent fee"
LAWYERS.
387
!
"And what is a contingent fee?"
"My dear sir," said Mr. Evarts, mellifluously, "I will tel!
you what a contingent fee to a lawyer means. If I don't wir
your suit I get nothing. If I do win it you get nothing.
See?"- New York Morning Journal.
Professional Veracity.
The Lawyer?
I slept in an editor's bed last night,
When no other chanced to be nigh,
How I thought as I tumbled the editor's bed
How easily editors lie.
The Editors
If the lawyer slept in the editor's bed
When no lawyer chanced to be nigh
And though he has written and naively said,
How easily editors lie,
He must then admit, as he lay on that bed
And slept to his heart's desire,
Whate'er he may say of the editor's bed,
Then the lawyer himself was the lier.
* *
Chambers Journal
An Irish crier at Ballinsloe being ordered to clear the court,
did so by this announcement: "Now, then, all ye blackguards
that isn't lawyers, must lave the coort."
The Young Lawyer in Society and in Love,
Eli Perkins:
The other night I met a young Columbia College law-student
at a party. He was dancing with Miss Johnson.
"I have an engagement to dance the 'Railroad Galop' with
Miss Johnson," I remarked-" number ten. "
"You have an engagement? You mean you have retained
her for a dance?"
54 She has contracted to dance with me," I said.
"But contracts where no earnest money is paid are nnd and
void. You must vacate the premises."
388
WIT AND HUMOF.
"But will you please give me half of a dance? I ask the
courtesy."
"Why, yes, Mr. Perkins," he said; "take her; "but recc?
lecting his law knowledge, he caught hold of my coat-sleeve
and added this casual remark:
"I give and bequeath to you, Mr. Eli Perkins, to have and
to hold in trust, one-half of my right, title and claim and my
advantage, in a dance known as the 'Railroad Galop' with
Amelia Johnson, with all her hair, paniers, Greciar bend,
rings, fans, belts, hair-pins, smelling-bctties, and straps, with
all the right and advantage therein; with full power to have,
hold, encircle, whirl, toss, wiggle, push, jam, squeeze, or other-
wise use--except to smash, break or otherwise damage-and
with right to temporarily convey the said Amelia Johnson, he
hair, rings, paniers, straps, and other heretofore or hereinafte
mentioned, after such whirl, squeeze, wiggle, jam, etc., to he
natural parents, now living, and without regard to any deed or
deeds or instruments, of whatever kind or nature soever, to the
contrary in anywise notwithstanding
"2
The next evening, the young lawyer called on Miss Johnson,
with whom he was in love, and proposed.
"I have an attachment for you, Miss Johnson," he con
menced.
66
Very well, sir; levy on the furniture," said Miss Johnson
indignantly
"I mean, Miss Johnson, there is a bond-a inutual bond-
"Never mind the bond, take the furniture, I say. Take-'
"You do not understand me, madame. I came here to court-'
"But this is no court, sir. There is no officer "
"Yes, Miss Johnson, your father said this morning: 'Mr
Mason, I look upon your offer, sir, with favor.'
999
"Your officer?"
66
My offer, madame-iny offer of marriage. I love you
Jadore--
9
"Goodness gracious!" and Miss Johnson fell fainting to
the fiorr.
LAWYERS.
389
An Exact Witness.
A descendant of the ancient squatter who, like his pre
decessor, has from earliest recollection been living on lands
whose title is just about as genuine as the title of the average
colonel, was summoned before court as a witness. The old
man had heard a great deal of courts, and how it was the aim
of lawyers to "ketch a feller in a lie and make fun of him.'
and he was resolved not to allow himself to be disgraced.
"What is your name?" asked the lawyer.
42
"Which one? I've got several.*
"The one that you sign?"
"I don't sign none; I can't write."
"Is your name Peggleton?"
ور
"That's part of it.”
"What's the other part?"
"You guessed so well the first time, now guess again.
"The immons says that your name is Josiah Peggleton; is
that corect?
66 I reckon it is."
"You have known the prisoner a long time, I understand."
"I never seed the prisoner before."
59
"Look out, sir, you'll perjure yourself. It is well known
that you have been intimate with the man Jackson."
"Yes, I know Jackson mighty well."
"Thought you never saw him before?”
"I didn't say it."
66
'Yes, you did. Your exact words were, "I never saw the
prisoner before."
"I never did, for he wan't a prisoner when I seed him."
(6
Ah, a very fine construction. See that you continue to be
so particular. Did you see the quarrel between Jackson and
Alrichs? 99
"No, sir; never seed it."
390
WIT AND HUMOR.
"Look out, sir, look out! Were you present when he two
men quarreled, and fought!"
"I was thar.'
66
16
ور
Thought you said that you didn't see the quarrel?"
"I didn't see it. I heard it."
"You are very exact. We'll see how far your analysis will
serve you. I understand then that you heard the quarrel?"
"I don't know."
"Didn't you say that you heard it."
"Yes, but I don't know what you understand."
"How far apart were they standing?"
"I didn't measure it."
"How far do you think?
"I don't think.”
99
"Your Honor," exclaimed the lawyer, "I wish
you would
mpress upon this man the importance of answering my ques-
tions. The result of this case depends much upon his tes-
timony."
"Mr. Peggleton," said the judge, "you must tell what you
know about the fight in a straightforward manner.
29
"You're the judge, I reckon."
"Yes, I'm the judge.”
"An' you want me to tell what I know about this fight in a
straightforward manner? Well, the fight wa'n't in a straight-
forward manner, for you never seed sich a scratchin' and
twistin' around. The two men met, cussed each other, and fit.
They fit because they cussed, but I don't know why they
cussed. One knocked the other down, and then the other
knocked him down. Then they fit. Arter awhile the other
one fell and got up and knocked him down. Then they fit.
About this time the thing got sorter interestin', and I sorter
wanted to jine hands myself, but I didn't. Arter awhile they
stopped, and cussed while they was restin'. Then they fit
again, an' both of them fell over a chunk. I couldn't keep out
any longer. The temptation was too strong, and while they
LAWYERS.
391
laid on the ground I gethered a pole an' says, 'here's to you,
boys,' and hit both of 'em at once. Then I jumped the fence
an' run away, and that's all I know about the fight. Thank
you for your perlite attention," and before he could be re-
strained he had left the court-room.
Commenced Work Very Young.
A woman was testifying in behalf of her son, and swore
"that he had worked on a farm ever since he was born."
The lawyer who cross-examined her, said:
“You assert that your son has worked on a farm ever since
he was born ?”
"I do."
"What did he do the first year?"
"He milked."
Gen. Butler's Hard Witness.
"How high was the dam?" asked Gen. Butler of a stubborn
witness.
"About twenty feet."
"What was there on top of the dam ?”
"A log."
“What did the log rest on at the east end?"
"On a rock.'
""
‹ What did the west end rest on?"
"Don't know."
The general dropped his pen suddenly and sharply cried out:
"You don't know? Why don't you know?"
The witness changed the cross of his legs and shifted his
quid to the other cheek and then replied:
"Because I don't."
The general got up enthusiastically, and pointed his index
finger at the witness and shrieked out :
392
WIT AND HUMOF.
"Do you mean to tell this court and jury that you can't tell
what the west end of the log rested on?"
"Certainly I do.”
"When did you see the log last?"
"Day before yesterday."
"And didn't you see the west end of the log?"
"No."
"Now, on your oath, tell us why you can't tell what the
west end of that log rested on?" shouted the general, with
great solemnity.
"Because the west end was stuck in the bank."
Tableau. Judge Hand the lawyers enjoyed a silent
laugh as the general sighed out a surprised "Ah!”
The sheriff rapped and cried out "silence" to the laughing
crowd.
* *
*
An irritable and obstinate judge gave great offence to Lawyer
Brady, by refusing attention to his argument, upon which the
lawyer, turning to a friend, observed rather sharply:
"That judge," said Brady, "has every quality of a jackass
-except patience."
Answered Correctly.
"And now, Mrs. Sullivan," said lawyer Thomson, "wil
you be kind enough to tell the jury whether your husband was
in the habit of striking you with impunity?"
"Wid what, sir?"
"With impunity."
"He wuz, sir, now and thin; but he sthruck me ofthene
wid his fisht.”
The Effect of a Strong Plea.
A man in North Carolina who was saved from conviction for
horse-stealing by the powerful plea of his lawyer, after his
acquittal by the jury, was asked by the lawyer:

Ga
1
Houns
HBA
DET
10
PELERÍTET
QU
“I'll be doggoned if I ain't got my doubts about it." (See page 383.)
395
LAWYERS,
"Honor bright, now, Bill, you did steal that horse, didn't
you?"
"Now, look a-here, judge," was the reply, "I allers did think
I stole that hoss, but since I hearn your speech to that 'ere jury,
I'll be doggoned if I a'n't got my doubts about it.”
Proof Positive.
"And you say that you are innocent of the charge of steal-
ng a rooster from Mr. Jones?" asked an Arkansas judge of
a meek-looking prisoner.
"Yes, sir, I am innocent as innocent as a child.”
"You are confident that you did not steal the rooster from
Mr. Jones?' ""
"Yes, sir; and I can prove it."
"How can you prove it?"
"I can prove that I didn't steal Mr. Jones' rooster, Judge,
because I stole two hens from Mr. Graston the same night,
and Jones lives five miles from Graston's."
56
A
"The proof is conclusive," said the judge.
the prisoner.'" ""
A Smart Witness.
Mr. Jones loaned Mr. Smith a horse, which died while in
his (Smith's) possession. Mr. Jones brought suit to recover
the value of the horse, attributing his death to bad treatment.
During the course of the trial a witness (Brown) was called to
the stand to testify as to how Mr. Smith treated horses.
Lawyer (with a bland and confidence-invoking smile).
Well, sir, how does Mr. Smith generally ride a horse?"
Witness (with a very merry twinkle in his eye, otherwise
imperturbable). "Astraddle, I believe, sir."
99
"Discharge
Lawyer (with a scarcely perceptible flush of vexation on his
cheek, but still speaking in his blandest tones). "But, sir,
what gait does he ride?
WIT AND HUMOR.
391
"He never rides any gate, sir. His boys ride
Witness.
all the gates."
Lawyer (his bland smile gone and his voice slightly husky)
"But how does he ride when in company with others?"
Witness. "Keeps up, if his horse is able; if not, he goes
behind."
Lawyer (triumphantly, and in perfect fury). "How does he
ride when alone, sir?"
Witness.
"Don't know; never was with him when he was
alone."
Lawyer. "I have done with you, sir."
Value of a St. Louis Character.
"Well, prisoner, you say you lived in St. Louis?"
"Yes, sir; and when I came to that town three years ago.
I had no character, but now-
99
"What now?"
66
Why, Jedge, now I have a character, and--”
"That settles it. Ten dollars and thirty days," said the
judge. "A man with no character at all is a better citizen
than a man with a St. Louis character. Call the next case."
Debts of Honor.
The famous Faul Jones, having resolved to pay his debts,
first discharged those which are termed debts of honor. An
artisan, who was one of his creditors, called on him and pre-
sented his bill.
"I have no money just now, my friend," said Jones.
66
But, sir, I know that you paid away fifty pounds this
morning, and that you have still some left."
"Oh! that was a debt of honor."
"Well, sir, I will make mine one also ;" and so saying the
man threw his account into the fire.
930
LAWYERS.
Absent-Mindedness.
"What would be your notion of absent-mindedness?” asked
Rufus Choate of a witness whom he was cross-examining.
"Well," said the witness, with a strong Yankee accent, "I
should say that a man who thought he'd left his watch to hum,
und took it out'n 'is pocket to see if he'd time to go hum and
get it, was a leetle absent-minded."
66
"A fight."
What Next?
"What did you have at the first saloon you stopped?" asked
a lawyer of a witness in an assault and battery case.
"What did we have? Four glasses of ale, sir."
* What next?"
"Two glasses of whisky."
"Next?"
"One glass of brandy.
"Next?"
95
95
**
A lawyer, on being called to account by Rufus Choate for
naving acted unprofessionally in taking less than the usual fee
from his client, pleaded that he had taken all the man had.
"Very well," said Mr. Choate, "we will have to excuse you,
then."
ཡཾ
Smarter Than He Looked.
William Look! Tell us, William, who made you?" said
Lawyer Thompson, of Little Rock, to a half-witted witness.
William, who was considered a fool, screwed up his face,
and looking thoughtful and somewhat bewildered, answered,
Moses, I suppose."
6.6
"That will do," said Lawyer Thompson, addressing the
court. "Witness says he supposes Moses made him. That
WIT AND HUMOR.
368
"C
s an intelligent answer; more than I thought him capable of
giving, for it shows that he has some faint idea of Scripture. I
aupin it was not sufficient to entitle him to be sworn as a wit-
aess capable of giving evidence."
66
Mr. Judge," said the fool, may I ax the lawyer a
question ?”
:
Certainly," said the judge.
Well, then, Mr. Lawyer, who do you suppose made
you ?"
"Aaron, I suppose," said Lawyer Thompson, imitating the
witness.
After the mirth had somewhat subsided, the witness drawled
out: "Wall, now, we do read in the Book that Aaron once
made a calf, but who'd a thought the critter had got in here."
The judge ordered the man to be sworn.
A Sharp Dialogue.
"What's gone of your husband, woman?" asked a judge of
an Irish woman.
"What's gone of him, yer honor? Faith, and he's gone
dead.”
1.
"Ah-pray what did he die of?”
"Die of, yer honor? He died of a Friday."
"I don't mean what day of the week, but what complaint?"
"Faith, and it's himself that did not get time to complain."
Did he die very suddenly?"
"Yes, very suddenly for him.”
"Did he fall in a fit ? »
€
No answer.
"He fell down in a fit, perhaps?"
"Why, no, not exactly a fit, your honor. He fell out of a
window, or through a cellar door-Ilon't know what they call
it."
"Oh, ay--and broke his neck."
27
307
LAWYERS.
16
No, not quite that, yer worship.
"What then?"
"There was a bit of sthring, or cord, or that like, an
throttled poor Mike."
"Quite likely. Call the next case."
**
99
"You are a nuisance; I'll commit you," said an offended
judge to a noisy person in court. "You have no right to
commit a nuisance," said the offender.
* *
&
When a Kentucky judge, some years ago, was asked by an
attorney, upon some strange ruling,
"Is that law, your honor?" he replied:
"If the court understand herself, and she think he do, it
are !
"9
Intelligent Juror.
“Ah,” said a Louisiana lawyer to a clay-eating white man
from the hills, what brought you to Lake Providence?"
"Why, sir,' said the countryman,' 'I am fotched here as a
jury, and they say if I go home they will have to find me, and
they moutn't do that, as I live a good piece.'
"What jury are you on?" asked a lawyer.
¿o ‹ What jury?'
9
Yes, what jury? Grand or traverse jury? ›
"Grand or travis jury? dad fetch it if I know.'
"Well,' said the lawyer,
6
did the judge charge you?'
6
6
‹‹ Well, squire,' said he, the little fellow that sits up in the
pulpit and kinder bosses it over the crowd gin us a talk, but f
don't know whether he charged anything or not.`
"The crowd broke up in a roar of laughter, and the sheriff
५०
called court."
WIT AND HUMOR,
398
The Absent-minded Lawyer,
Ell Perkins,
George Harding, Esq., the distinguished Philadelphia pat-
ent lawyer, and a brother of William Harding, the accomplished
editor of the Philadelphia Inquirer, is remarkable for a retentive
memory.
On Saturday Mr. Harding rode down to Wall street in a
Broadway omnibus. At the Domestic Sewing-Machine building
a beautiful young lady got in and handed fifty cents to the distin
guished attorney, requesting him to please hand it to the driver.
"With pleasure," said Mr. Harding, at the same time pass
ing the fifty cents up through the hole to the stage-man.
The driver made the change and handed forty cents back to
Mr. Harding, who quietly put it away into his test pocket, and
went on reading a mowing-machine brief.
Then all was silent.
The young lady began to look nervously at Mr. Harding for
her change. "Can it be possible that this is one of those polite
confidence men we read of in books?" she thought to herself.
Then she looked up timidly and asked Mr. Harding some
thing about the Brooklyn ferry.
"Oh, the boats run very regular-every three minutes," re-
plied the interrupted lawyer, trying to smile. Then he went
on reading his brief.
"Do the boats run from Wall street to Astoria?" continued
the young lady.
"I don't know, madame,” replied Mr. H., petulantly; "I'm
not a resident of New York; I'm a Philadelphian."
११
"Ah! yes "—(then a silence).
Mr. Harding again buried himself in his brief, while the
young lady ahemed and asked him what the fare was in the
New York stage.
"Why, ten cents, madame-ten cents."
"But I gave you fifty cents to give to the driver," interrupt-
ed the young lady, "and"
LAWYERS.
"Didn't he return your change? Is it possible? Here,
driver!" the lawyer continued, dropping the brief and pulling
he strap violently, "why the dickens don't you give the lady
her forty cents, sir, forty cents?"
"I did give her the change. I gave forty cents to you, and
you put it in your own pocket,” shouted back the driver.
"To me?" said Mr. Harding, feeling in his vest pocket, from
which his fingers brought out four ten-cent pieces. "Gracious
oodness, madame! I beg ten thousand pardons, but-but-"
“Oh, never mind," said the lady, eyeing him suspiciously,
"you know a lady in a wicked city like New York has to look out
for herself. It's no matter-it wasn't the forty cents; but be-
fore' I had left home mother cautioned me against polite confi-
dence men, who look so good outside, but-"
"Goodness gracious! my dear woman!" exclaimed Mr.
Harding, while all the passengers eyed him with suspicion, "I
assure you—”
But the stage stopped then, and the young lady, holding
fast to her port-money, got out and fled into the Custom House,
while Mr. Harding went on filling up in this form :
"Goodness gracious! Did you ever? O Lord! what shall
I do?" etc.
The distinguished lawyer got so excited about the affair that
he went back to Philadelphia next morning-a ruined man.
He even forgot to take a $10,000 fee which Ketchum was to
pay him in a mowing-machine case. He says he'd rather pay
$10,000 than to let the Philadelphia fellows get hold of the
story, for fear they would be asking him what he wanted to do
with that poor woman's forty cents.
Ka
I
Examination of Lawyers.
Q.-What is a writ of attachment?
Ans.-A letter from my sweetheart.
-What is a stay of proceedings
WIT AND HUMOR
400
Ma
Ans-Finding a roach in a plate of soup you have beer
eating,
Q.-When do you discontinue suit.
Ans. When another fellow cuts you out
Q.-What is an appeal?
વૃદ્ધ.
Ans. When cornered by your washerwoman to ask for
more time.
Q-What is personal property?
Ans. A wife and children.
Q-What is a "que warranto?"
Ans.-A writ inquiring by what right one man can kis
another's wife.
Q.-What is a distress?
Ans-A pain in the stomach.
Judge Shay
Judge Shay, of New York, was traveling in Ireland, and or
one occasion was obliged to sleep with an Irishman in
crowded hotel, when the following conversation ensued:
"Pat, you would have remained a long time in the old
country before you could have slept with a judge, would yor
not?"
"Yes, your honor," said Pat; "and I think your hono
would have been a long time in the ould country before ye
been a judge, too."
He Was a Good Man,
A New York judge was examining an Irish witness, who
lives down near Five Points, in regard to the morality of a
prisoner, when the following colloquy took place :
Judge. "Do you know the prisoner, sir!"
Irish witness. "Yes, sir."
Judge. "How long has he been in this country ! "
LAWYERS.
Witness.
"A little over five year.
Judge. "Is he a man of good moral character?"
Witness (quite bewildered). "Sure, your honor, I don't
""
know what moral character means.'
""
Judge. "Well, sir, I will talk more plainly to you. Does
O'Brien stand fair before the community?"
Witness (completely nonplused). "By my sowl, I don't
apprehend your maning, your honor."
Judge (rather irritated). "I mean to ask you, sir, if O'Brien,
the person who wants to be a citizen, and for whom you are a
witness, is a good man or not?"
Witness. "Oh! why didn't you ax me that way before?
To be sure he is a good man. Sure and I've seen him in ten
fights during the last two years, and every time he licked his
man."
Rough On the Lawyer.
A very eminent lawyer in New York received a severe
reprimand from a witness on the stand whom he was trying to
brow-beat. It was an important issue, and in order to save his
cause from defeat, it was necessary that Mr. A., the lawyer,
should impeach the witness. He endeavored to do it on the
ground of age. The following dialogue ensued:
"How old are you?" asked the lawyer.
"Seventy-two years," answered the witness.
"Your memory, of course, is not so brilliant and vivid as it
was twenty years ago, is it?"
""
"I do not know but it is.
"State some circumstance," said the lawyer, "which oc
curred, say, twelve years ago, and we shall be able to see how
well you can remember."
"I appeal to your honor if I am to be interrogated in this
manner; it is insolent," exclaimed the witness to the judge.
"You had better answer the question," said the judge.
WIT AND HUMOR.
40%
"Yes, sir; state it!" commanded the lawyer.
"Well, if you compel me to do it, I will. About twelve
years ago you studied in Judge B.'s office, did you not?"
"Yes,” replied the lawyer.
6
"Well, sir, I remember your father coming into my office
and saying to me, Mr. D., my son is to be examined tomor
row, and I wish you would lend me fifteen dollars to buy him
a new suit of clothes.' I remember, also, from that day to
this he has not paid me that sum. That, sir, I remember as
though it was but yesterday."
Lewis On Lawyers.
“Have you had a job to-day, Tim?" inquired a well-known
legal gentleman of the equally well-known, jolly, florid-faced
old drayman, who, rain or shine, summer or winter, is rarely
absent from his post in front of the post-office.
""
"Bedad, I did, sor.'
"How many?"
"On'y two, sor."
"How much did you get for both?”
"Sivinty cints, sor."
"Seventy cents! How in the world do you expect to live
and keep a horse on seventy cents a day?”
"Some days I have half a dozen jobs, sor; but bizniss has
been dull to-day, sor. On'y the hauling of a trunk for a gintil-
man for forty cints, an' a load of furniture for thirty cints; an'
there was the pots an' the kittles, an' the divil on'y knows
phat; a big load, sor.”
"Do you carry big loads of household goods for thirty
cents?"
"She was a poor widdy, sor, an' had no more to give me.
I took all she had, sor; an' bedad, sor, a lyer could have done
no better nor that, sor.
And old Tim had won the first fall.
呉
​N
Ball
Ou Rang 195
I remember also from that day to this he has not paid me that sum." (See page 402.)

LAWYERS.
403
Carrying a Joke Tco Far.
Bill Jones stole a saw, and on his trial he told the Judge
that he only took it as a joke.
"How far did you carry it!" inquired the Judge.
"Two miles," answered the prisoner.
"Ah! Mr. Jones, that's carrying a joke too far," said the
Judge, and the prisoner was sentenced to jail for three months.
* *
Y
"Prisoner, why did you follow this man and beat and kick
him so shamefully?
""
"I am sorry, your honor-I was a little drunk, and I
'thought it was my wife."
A Leadville Coroner's Jury.
A man was found dead in Leadville, writes Eli Perkins, and
the coroner's jury summoned to investigate the case brought
in the following verdict :
We find that Jack Smith came to his death from "heart
disease." We found two bullet holes and a dirk knife in that
organ, and we recommend that Bill Younger be lynched to
prevent the spreading "of the disease."
Negro Idea of Justice.
Eli Ferkins.
I was visiting Darlington, South Carolina, in 1868, writes
Eli Perkins, where I attended court presided over by a neg
justice.
"Cæsar Green, an aged colored man, had been arrested for
stealing a cow, killing her and disposing of the meat. The
hide and horns found on Mr. Green's premises were proof of
the crime. In fact, Green confessed to stealing the cow.
"Well, Mr. Green," said the Darkey judge, "you stands
404
WIT AND HUMOR.
'victed ob stealin' de cow. Now, what you got to say for
yusself? What you gwine to do 'bout it?
""
"I hain't got nuffin to say, jedge, but I 'spose jestice de-
mands dat I pay for de cow?"
" said
"Yes, you's got to pay seventeen dollars for de cow,
the justice, sternly, "and dot will settle it."
"But, jedge, I hain't got de seventeen dollars."
"No money at ole?"
"No, not a cent, jedge."
"Does anybody owe you any money?" asked the judge.
"Yes," said the culprit, "Jack Smith owes me seventeen
dollar, and hes done owed it to me since Christmas.”
"Justice must take
"Very well," said the judge, sternly.
her course. De law must be satisfied. I order de sheriff to
discharge de pris'ner an' arrest Jack Smith, an' hold him in
close 'finement till he pays de seventeen dollars."
When I left Darlington, two weeks after, I learned Smith
had paid the seventeen dollars, and justice (colored) was
satisfied.
He Wouldn't Bump.
At the last term of the court of common pleas of Upper
Sandusky, Ohio, there happened to be upon the docket a case
of "Bump against Baker." When judge Beer reached this
case upon the first call there was no answer, and the judge
called out to the attorney for the plaintiff :
"Mr. Jones, 'Bump against Baker.'”
Mr. Jones, who had not been paying strict attention, and
evidently not comprehending the situation, looked up and said:
“Bump against him yourself, Judge.
* *
*
""
Two lawyers were conversing about a case, when one said:
"We have justice on our side." "What we want," said the
other, “is the Chief Justice."
LAWYERS.
405
The Perjurer.
"Then, gentlemen," said Judge Johnson, of Nashville, to
the jury, "thar's subornation of perjury, which is likewise
forbid by law, and which I reckon is one of the meanest crimes
that men get to do fur money. It's when a feller is too smart
or too scary to swar to a lie hisself, and so gets another man to
do it fur him, and one of yer mean, dirty, snivelin', little-
minded fellers! Why, a whole regiment of sich souls could
hold a jubilee in the middle of a mustard seed, and never hear
fone another!”
* *
*
66
"Would you convict a man on circumstantial evidence?
asked an Arkansaw judge.
"I dunno wot dat is, jedge."
"Well, what do you think it is?"
'Well, 'cordin' to my judgment, sarcumstanshil is 'bout dis:
If one man shoots annudder and kills him, he orter to be hung
for it. Ef he don't kill him, he orter go to the plenipotentiary."
The Old Spoons Story.
Colonel Charles Spencer, our New York counselor at law,
some years ago had to defend one Marshall, charged with
larceny, and against whom there was very strong evidence.
Before the trial Spencer went to his client and told him that his
only chance of escape was in a plea of insanity, and he advised
him to play the lunatic, and to answer all questions put to him
with the word "spoons." The day of the trial came on, and
Marshall took his place in the dock, pale, haggard and wild-
looking.
"Guilty or not guilty?" asked the clerk.
"Spoons !" drawled the prisoner, with a blank etare.
"Come, plead guilty or not guilty," repeated the clerk.
406
WIT AND HUMOR.
66
Spoons!" was the only reply.
"Prisoner, will you answer the question put to you, or do
you want to be punished for contempt?" asked the judge.
"Spoons," bawled the prisoner, still unmoved.
At this point the counsel for the prisoner interfered, and told
the court that his client was not in a condition to be put on
trial, as he was evidently not responsible for his actions, and
it was an outrage on a free citizen, etc.
"Do you understand what is said?" asked the judge, ad-
dressing the prisoner.
"Spoons," was his reply, in accents wild.
It was evident that the man was crazy, and the judge ordered
him discharged. He was taken charge of by his friends, who
were present, and left the court with them. Counselor Spencer
followed them, and, congratulating him on his escape, sug
gested that it might be a good idea to pay him his fee. His
client stared at him with blank amazement, and moved away
with the simple remark, "Spoons.
""
Too Much Alibi.
"You say that Ellis plowed for you all day on the 29th of
November?" asked a lawyer who was trying to disprove an
alibi.
"Yes," replied the witness, referring to his memorandum
book.
"What did he do on the 30th?" continued the lawyer.
"He chopped wood."
"On the 31st?"
"That was Sunday, and he went a squirrel hunting."
"What did he do on the 32d?"
"He threshed the wheat on that day."
"What did he do on the 33d?"
(
"It was raining, and he shaved out some handles."
"What did he do on the 34th "
LAWYERS,
407
"He chopped wood."
"What did he do on the
97
But before the question could be finished, the witness' wife
eized him by the collar and whisked him outside of the witness
box, yelling in his affrighted ear, "You old fool? don't you
mow that there are only thirty-one days in tho month of
November?"
Brady and the Cobbler.
When James T. Brady first opened a lawyer's office in New
York, he took a baseinent room which had previously been occu-
pied by a cobbler. He was somewhat annoyed by the previous
occupant's callers, and irritated by the fact that he had few of
his own.
One day an Irishman entered.
"The cobbler's gone, I see," he said.
"I should think he has," tartly responded Brady.
"And what do ye sell?" he said, looking at the solitary
able and a few law books.
"Blockheads," responded Brady.
"Begorra," said the Irishman, "ye must be doing a mighty
fine business-ye hain't got out one left."
A Good Excuse.
"If your honor please, I'd like to get off the jury,” said a
juryman to Judge Oakey, of New York, just as the trial was
about to commen ce.
"Why not? out with it !"
"Well" (hesitating).
"Go on !"
"You can't get off without a good excuse," said the judge,
""
"I have a good reason.'
"You must tell it, or serve," said the judge.
"But, your honor, I don't believe the other jurors would
care to have me serve."
108
WIT AND HUMOR.
"I've got the itch."
Mr. Clerk," was the witty reply, "scratch that man out."
It is needless to say that this was one of the most mirth-pro-
voking scenes that ever occurred in the court-room
You Won't Strike a Man When He's Down.
Curran, the Irish barrister, was a man of great magnetic
force. His oratorical powers were of the most splendid style,
and his wit, pathos and sarcasm irresistible. He is said to
have received a call before he had left his bed one morning,
from a man whom he had roughly, and with a good deal of in-
solence, cross-examined the day before.
66
'Sir," said this irate man, presenting himself in Curran's
bedroom, and arousing the barrister from slumber to a con-
sciousness that he was in a very awkward position, "I am the
gentleman you insulted yesterday in court, in the presence of
the whole county, and I have come to thrash you soundly for
it." Thus suiting the action to the word, he raised a horse-
whip to strike Curran, when the latter quickly said:
"You don't mean to strike a man when he's down?""
"No, bedad; I'll jist wait till you've got out of bed, and
then I'll give it to you.
99
Curran's eye twinkled humorously as he replied:
"If that's the case, by, I'll lie here all day.”
So amused was the Irishman at this flash of wit, that he
dropped his whip, and with a hearty roar of laughter, asked
Curran to shake hands with him.
His wit, at times, was extremely bitter, as when asked by a
young poet, whom he disliked :
"Have you seen my 'Descent into Hell?'" he replied:
"No; I should be delighted to see it."
At other times, his humor was warm and delightful, as for
example, when his physician one morning observed:
LAWYERS,
400
6.6
"You seem to cough with inore difficuity?" he replied:
"That is rather surprising, for I have been practicing all
night."
Rough on Blackstone.
A young lawyer in Arkansas was arguing a case before a
judge whose self-conceit was in inverse proportion to his knowl-
edge of the law.
The counsel was endeavoring to sustain a legal position he
had taken in the case. He proceeded to quote Blackstone,
when the court interrupted him by saying:
"It is presumed, sir, that this court knows the law."
"Yes, your honor, but the presumption of the court may be
abutted," suggested the attorney,
"Sit down, sir, or the court will commit you for contempt.
This court will not be dictated to with impunity; and if such
an infringement be made again on its dignity, it will immedi-
ately order the offender to jail."
"Well, if your honor please, I don't say that my point is
well taken. I have great respect for this court, but I'd just
like to read a little from Blackstone to show what a blamed
old jackass he must have been."
Saluting the Jury,
A man who had never seen the inside of a law court until he
was recently introduced as a witness in a case pending in one
of the Scotch courts, on being sworn, took a position with his
back to the jury, and began telling his story to the judge. The
judge, in a bland and courteous manner, said:
"Address yourself to the jury, sir."
The man made a short pause, but, not comprehending what
was said to him, forthwith continued his narrative.
The judge
was then more explicit, and said to him
416
WIT AND HUMOR.
UMOR.
"Speak to the jury, sir the men sitting behind you on the
Denches."
The witness at once turned round, and, making an awkward.
Jow, said, with great gravity of manner:
"Good morning, gentlemen!"
we wil
* *
*
"Silence in the court!" thundered a Kentucky judge the
>ther morning. "Half a dozen men have been convicted
lready without the court's having been able to hear a word of
he testimony."
* *
*
Judge. "Have you anything to offer to the court before
sentence is passed on you?”
Prisoner. "No, judge. I had ten dollars but my lawyer
ook that."
* *
*
Judge Shay, of New York, went to a hotel in Switzerland,
and, strutting up to the proprietor, said in an over-powering
manner, "I want a room, the best you have, for I am Judge
Shay, of New York."
t
"It makes no difference, sir," said the hotel keeper, "I will
try and treat you as well as anyone else."
* *
-X.
Judge Grier, late of the United States Supreme Court, was
once trying a case in Pennsylvania. A blundering jury re-
turned an unjust verdict. As the clerk turned to record it,
Judge Grier said:
"Mr. Clerk, that verdict is set aside by the court. It may
as well be understood that in this State it takes thirteen men
to steal a man's farm."
A Chicago lady once applied to a Learned Judge for a
divorce.
"What is the name of the husband" inquired the Learned
Judge.
LAWYERS.
411
contemplate
"I have no husband yet, but inasmuch as
matrimony, I feel that I should be prepared for the worst."
Mixed Grammar.
A man had been caught in theft, and pleaded in extenuation
that he was drunk.
Court (to the policeman, who was witness)-"What did the
man say when you arrested him ?”
Witness" He said he was drunk."
Court "I want his precise words, just as he uttered them;
he didn't use the pronoun he, did he? He didn't say he was
was drunk?”
Witness"Oh, yes, he did-he said he was drunk; he
acknowledged the corn.
99
Court (getting impatient at the witness' stupidity)—“ You
don't understand me at all; I want the words as he uttered
them; didn't he say I was drunk?”
Witness (deprecatingly)—“Oh, no, your honor, he didn't
say you were drunk; I wouldn't allow any man to charge that
upon you in my presence.
""
Prosecutor "Pshaw! you don't comprehend at all; his
honor means, did not the prisoner say, 'I was drunk?'
999
Witness (reflectively)—" Well, he might have said you was
drunk, but I didn't hear him."
Attorney for the Prisoner-" What the court desires is to
have you state the prisoner's own words, preserving the precise
torm of the pronoun that he made use of in reply. Was it first
person, I, second person, thou, or the third person, he, she, or
it? Now, then, sir, (with severity) upon your oath, didn't my
client say, 'I was drunk?""
Witness (getting mad)—“No, he didn't say you was drunk,
either, but if he had I reckon he wouldn't a lied any. Do you
s'pose the poor fellow charged the whole court with being
drunk?"
412
WIT AND HUMOR.
E. Perkins-Attorney at Law.
I am now ready to commence the practice of law in New
.York. I've been reading New York law for two weeks-night
and day. I find all law is based on precedents. Whenever a
client comes to me and tells me he has committed a great
crime, I take down the precedent and tell him what will become
of him if he don't run away.
In cases where clients contemplate great crimes, I tell them
beforehand what will be the penalty if they don't buy a juryman.
Yesterday a man came to me and said he wanted to knock
Mayo. Hall's teeth down his throat. "What will be the
penalty, Mr. Perkins?" he asked.
Are they false teeth or real teeth?" I inquired.
"False, I think, sir."
>
"Then don't do it, sir. False teeth are personal property
but if they are real, knock away. These are the precedents: "
TEETH
A fellow on Third avenue bor-
rowed a set of false teeth froin the
show case of a dentist, and he was
s nt to Sing Sing for four years.
CASES.
Another fellow knocked a man's
real teeth down his throat, and
Judge Barnard let him off with a
reprimand!
The next day comptroller Green came to me and wanted to
knock out Mr. Chas. A. Dana's eye, because Mr. Dana wrote
such long editorials.
"Are they real eyes or glass eyes, Mr. Green?" I asked.
"One looks like glass, the other is undoubtedly real,” said
Mr. Green.
"Then read this precedent and go for the real eye:
Making off with a man's glass
eye—two years in Sing Sing.
POSSIBLE EYE CASES.
""
Tearing out a man's real eye-
a fine of $5.
precedents:
In cases of legs I find these
Stealing a man's crutch- two
years in the penitentiary.
1
Kreaking a man's lege fine of
$10.
LAWYERS.
413
So I advise clients to go for real eyes and real legs.
GENERALLY.
I conclude-
Damage to a man's property-
he penitentiary and severest pen-
alty which the law admits.
I conclude
Damage to or destruction of a
man's life-acquittal or a recom<
mendation to mezcy.
Now I am ready to practice. I prefer murder or man-
slaughter cases, as they are the simplest. If you want to shoot
a man come and see me, and I'll make a bargain with the judge
and jury, and get you bail beforehand.
Naturalization Court Scenes.
N. Y. Sun.
The scenes witnessed in the New York courts just prior to
the annual elections, when the rush to obtain the rights of
citizenship is at its height, are often ludicrous. In the Com-
mon Pleas, for instance, an Irishman, accompanied by a
witness as to character, approached Judge Brady, when the
following colloquy occurred:
Judge: "You know this individual?"
Witness: "Av course I do. "}
Judge: "Is he a man of good moral character?"
Witness: "Well, your honor, he rades the Boible, he plays
the feddle, he doesn't whip the.ould woman, and now and then
he takes a dhrop of whisky.
""
Will that suit?
*
*
*
*
Later, a pair on the same errand entered Judge Daly's
court:
*
Judge: "You know this person?"
Witness: "Y-a-a-s."
""
*
O
Judge: "Is his character good?
Witness: "Mein Gott, chudge! Of gourse it is; he's a
paker!
""
*
*
*
*
Lastly, an Irishman came up before Judge Brady for natur-
alization:
"How long, Patrick, have you been in this country?" asked
the judge.
1
414
WIT AND HUMOR.
?
"Six years, y'r honor."
"Where did you land?"
"In New York, sir."
"Have you ever been out of the United States since you
landed, six years ago?" asked the judge.
"Niver but once, y'r honor.".
“And where did you go then?"
"To Elmira, y'r honor."
The judge joined heartily in the explosion that followed, bat
he gave the Irishman his papers, and after the adjournment
returned to his residence in foreign lands.
The Irishman got his papers and left the United States again
for Elmira.
* *
*
"Are you the judge of reprobates?" said Mrs. Partington,
as she walked into an office of a judge of probate.
"I am a judge of probate," was the reply.
"You see
"Well, that's it, I expect," said the old lady.
my
father died detested, and he left several little infidels, and
I want to be their executioner."
Eli Perkins on Thad Stevens.
When I lectured before the Carlisle (Pa.) Teachers' Institute
they told me innumerable stories about that grim old patriot
and Anti-Slavery agitator, Thad Stevens.
One day the old man was practicing in the Carlisle courts,
and he didn't like the ruling of the presiding judge. A second
time the judge ruled against "old Thad," when the old man
got up with scarlet face and quivering lips and commenced
tying up his papers as if to quit the court room.
"Do I understand, Mr. Stevens," asked the Judge, eyeing
"old Thad" indignantly, "that you wish to show your con-
tempt for this court?"
"No, sir; no, sir," replied "old Thad." "I don't want
to show my contempt, sir, I'm trying to conceal it!"
LAWYERS.
415
Precise Words.
A witness was examined in a case before Judge Folger, who
required him to repeat the precise words spoken. The witness
hesitated until he rivited the attention of the entire court upon
him, then, fixing his eyes earnestly on the judge, began:
"May it please your honor," he said, "you lie and steal, and
get your living by stealing.""
The face of the judge reddened, and he immediately said:
"Turn to the jury, sir."
Hog and Bacon.
Lord Bacon as a wit, a lawyer, a judge and philosopher, will
be remembered through the ages to come, down to the last
syllable of recorded time. His life with all its accomplish-
inents is marred with unpleasant scenes. Much humor is
traced to him as its source. Perhaps the most amusing thing
occurred in the case of the criminal Hogg, convicted of a
felony, who begged his honor not to pass sentence of death
upon him, because hog and bacon were so near akin to each
other; to which he replied:
"My friend, you and I cannot be kindred unless you be
hanged, for hog is not bacon until it is hung." And then
sentence was passed upon him.
Lawyer's Modest Fees.
George Smith, of Norwich, Conn., had failed in business
and sold out, and having two or three tough little bills, had
given them to this lawyer for collection. Smith went to the
office to receive the proceeds. The amount collected was
about fifty dollars.
"I'm sorry you've been so unfortunate, Smith, for I take a
416
WIT AND HUMOR.
great interest in you. I shan't charge you so much as I should
if I didn't feel so much interest in
you."
Here he handed Smith fifteen dollars, and kept the balance
"You see, Sinith," continued the lawyer, "I knew you when
you were a boy, and I knew your father before you, and I
take a good deal of interest in you. Good morning; come
and see me again !"
Smith, moving slowly out of the door, and ruefully contem-
plating the avails, was heard to mutter,
"Thank God, you didn't know my grandfather."
The State is Drunk.
A few years ago, the State's attorney of a northern county in
Vermont, although a man of great legal ability, was very fond
of the bottle. On one occasion, an important criminal case
was called on by the clerk, but the attorney, with owl-like
gravity, kept his chair.
"Mr. Attorney, is the State ready to proceed?” said the
judge.
"Yes-hic-no-your honor," stammered the lawyer;
"the State is not-in a state to try this case, to-day; the
State, your honor, is-- drunk!"
A Fellow Feeling on the Part of a Judge,
A gentleman was arraigned before an Arkansas justice on a
chargo of obtaining money under false pretenses. He had
entered a store, pretending to be a customer, but proved to be
a thief.
"Your name is Jim Lickmore," said the justice.
“Yes, sir.”
"And you are charged with a crime that merits a long term
in the penitentiary?"
"Yes, sir."
1
LAWYERS.
417
"And you are guilty of the crime?”
"I am.”
*
“And you ask for no mercy?”
"No, sir."
"You have had a great deal of trouble within the last two
years?"
"Yes, sir, I have."
"You have often wished that you were dead?"
"I have, please your honor."
You wanted to steal money-enough to take you away from
Arkansaw?"
""
"You are right, judge.”
"If a man had stepped up and shot you just as you entered
the store, you would have said, "Thank you sir?""
"Yes, sir, I would. But, judge, how did you find out so
much about me?"
"Some time ago," said the judge, with a solemn air, “I was
divorced from rey wife. Shortly afterward you married her.
The result is aclusive. I discharge you. Here, take this
fifty-dollar bill. You have suffered enough."
The Lawyer Used Up.
Some years ago up in Connecticut, a long, lean Yankee
dropped into the old Franklin Hotel. The weather was cold,
and a knot of lawyers were in the bar-room sitting around
the fire, smoking, drinking and chatting.
A young sprig spoke to him and said :
"You look like a traveler."
"Wall, I 'spose I am; I come from Wisconsin afoot, 'tany
rate."
((
'From Wisconsin that is quite a distance to come on one
pair of logs. I say, did you ever pass through the 'lower re-
gions' in your travels?"
66
"Yes, sir," he answered, a kind of wicked look stealing
(
418
WIT AND HUMOR.
over his ugly phizmahogany, "I'ben through the outskirts."
"I thought it likely. Well, what is it like down there?"
"Oh," said the Yankee, deliberately, half shutting his
eyes, and drawing around the corner of his mouth, "you'll
find it much the same as in this region - the lawyers sit nigh
est the fire."
Would Rather Be an Ass.
A judge and a lawyer were conversing about the doctrine of
transmigration of the souls of men into animal
"Now," said the judge, "suppose you and I were turned
into a horse and an ass, which would you prefer to be?”
"The ass, to be sure," replied the lawyer.
"Why?" asked the judge:
"Because I have heard of an ass being a judge. but a horse
never."
Curran's Wit.
Lord Clare one day brought a Newfoundland dog upon the
bench, and began to caress the animal, while Curran was
addressing the court. Of course the latter stoppeů.
"Go on, go on, Mr. Curran," said his lordship.
Oh, I beg ten thousand pardens, my lord," returned the
advocate; “I really thought your lordship was employed in
consultation."
Jo Guild's Speech.
The Nashville Bar Association presented Judge Jo Guild,
the Nestor of the Nashville bar, with a portrait of himself.
Gen. Baie made the presentation speech, and Judge Guild
responded as follows:
GENTLEMEN OF THE BAR OF NASHVILLE AND OF THE BAR
ASSOCIATION: I am like the old Baptist preacher who was
unprepared. He opened his mouth and trusted in God to fill

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"You'll find it much the same as in this region-the lawyers sit nearest
the fire." (See page 418.)
LAWYERS.
it. [Laughter.] It would be a great pleasure to me if, when
we look back at the distinguished bar that Tennessee has ever
been honored with, I could see upon these walls the portraits of
the lamented Felix Grundy, of Ephraim H. Foster, William L
Brown, Bane Peyton, of Crab, of Haynes, of John Bell, and
that great galaxy of talent that has never been excelled at any
bar in these United States. There never was a revolution,
there never was a lick struck for liberty, for the cutting down
of the prerogative of kingly power, the oppression of the
people, but the members of the bar were leaders in the great
work. You belong to a noble avocation; you have the
example of those great men running down the tide of time to
emulate, to admire. It was Cicero's great fire that burned on
the forum and in the Senate at Rome; it was his fire that
drove the traitor Cataline from Rome, and the infamous
Claudius; it was the sacred fire of Demosthenes that aroused
Athens; it was the eloquence of Philip that nerved Leonidas
and his three hundred followers at Thermopyla for the sal
vation of their country; it was a lawyer, when the Apostles
became alarmned and dispersed in the garden and deserted the
blessed Messiah, that stood firm, his heart swelling with indig-
nation at the treatment of Christ on Calvary amid the Roman
bayonets, and then took down our Savior, dressed him in linen
and embalmed him in the sepulchro; it was the lawyers of
England that rose up against the tyranny of the Tudors, the
Stuarts and the Lancasters, and arcused the English to arms; it
was Shrewsbury and Lord Bolingbroke who put William and
Mary on the throne in 1688. When George the Third sought
to oppress the colonies of America, James Otis rose up and
made a great speech against the bill of assessments. Old
John Adams caught the fire of Otis. The ball was set in
motion in Massachusetts, and brought out the celebrated
speech of Patrick Henry, the great natural orator, in the Vir-
ginia House of Burgesses.
WIT AND HUMOR.
420
Otis was an argumentative man, and when he ceased to
speak his hearers became dissatisfied.
He could strike chords
of the heart that moved his audience. It was a different kind
of oratory from that of Henry. Otis was a beautiful, placid
river, that ran along the lawns, kissing the grasses as its
waters passed along; but Patrick Henry was one of those
mountain streams which come rushing, roaring, frothing, thun-
dering down the mountain-and he just knocked them into a
cocked hat e-v-e-r-y time. [Loud, prolonged, and convulsive
laughter.]
And whenever I hear a man crying out against the profes-
sion of the lawyer, I regard him as worse than an egg-sucking
dog. [Renewed laughter.] His mouth ought to be burned with
hot eggs. [Laughter.] While I don't contend that lawyers
are better than other men, yet from their opportunities, from
the whetting of their intellects, from their constant looking
into the history of the State, study of human nature, and rub-
bing up against men, I say that liberty is indebted to the law
yers in every country. Their military fire burns slowly, but
when the spirit is touched up with lightning, you may expect
the devil from them. [Laughter.]
There was Alexander Hamilton, who probably did more
toward carrying the Constitution into effect than any other man.
His deeds in the war for independence placed him high in the
niche of fame. Few, if any, rose higher; and when he fell,
it was like the fall of a towering oak in the silence of the
woods. It shocked the American heart. There was old John
Adams, too; he was one of those lightning lawyers. And
what about old Jackson? Was not he a lawyer? Old Andy
Jackson blazed his way with John Overton, McNany, John
Howard, and others. They were the founders of the law in
Tennessee. I maintain that there never was a greater military
chieftain than Andrew Jackson. The speech of James Otis
made old John Adams what he was: the speech of Patrick
421
LAWYERS.
Henry made Jefferson what he was. William Pinckney and
a host of others of the profession were of the best bred stock
in the United States. [Laughter.] It is Lexington and Aus-
tralian stock mixed.
The members of the bar have ever maintained the fame of
their predecessors. Look what a galaxy we had here in 1320.
There was old Jenkin Whiteside, Felix Grundy, Andrew
Hayes, Dickerson, and Ephraim H. Foster he was a Saul of
Tarsus. [Laughter.] He was a shoulder higher than any of
them as a gallant striding peacock man. [Loud laughter.]
I always except old Jackson. [Uproarious laughter.] Come
along down, and I say we haven't depreciated. I say, gentle-
men, that you can go all over these things and take the lawyers
rough and tumble-now, I'm a rough and tumble man myself
-[Laughter-from the Justice of a police court to the supreme
court of Tennessee, and I maintain there is not a better bar in
America than the Nashville bar. [Applause.]
Now, there were three or four speeches made before me
yesterday. There was Bate, Ned Baxter, Williams and
Allison. I would say that these speeches would knock the tads
out of any of the bar of these United States. [Loud and pro-
longed laughter.] Although, General Bate, I charged the law
against you on one pint, in the other I charged it for you.
[Uproarious applause and renewed laughter.] I think we are
about even. [Continued laughter.]
megang magag
I have detained you long enough. I return the bar my
heartfelt thanks, and then I thank the president of the associa
tion. I think I have said enough. I can only thank you,
gentlemen and I will just stop right here.
The room rang with laughter and shouts of approval as the
judge concluded his extraordinary speech.
WIT AND HUMOR.
A Hard Witness.
66
Prosecuting Attorney. "Mr. Parks, state, if you please,
whether you have ever known the defendant to follow any
profession!"
Witness. "He's been a professor ever since I knew him."
"Professor of what?"
"A professor of religion.
"You don't understand me, Mr. Parks; what does he do?”
"Generally whatever he pleases.
"Tell the jury, Mr. Parks, what the defendant follows."
"Gentlemen of the jury, the defendant follows the crowd
when they go to drink."
""
""
"This kind of prevarication, Mr. Parks, will not do here.
Now state what this defendant does to support himself."
"I saw him last night support himself against a lamp-post."
"That's all, Mr. Parks."
Cross-examined. "Mr. Parks, I understand you to say that
the defendant is a professor of religion. Does his practice cor-
respond with his profession?"
66
'I never heard of any correspondence passing between
them."
"You said something about his propensity for drinking;
does he drink hard?"
"No, I think he drinks as easy as any man I ever saw."
"You can take your seat, Mr. Parks ;" and Mr. Parks took
his seat with the air of a man who had made a clean breast of
it, and told all he knew of the subject in hand.
The Chinese Under the Code.
Enter policeman (reads)—“ Mr. Quong Long, you are hereby
notiñed, in conformity with the provisions of the new Code,
that you must close your shop on Sunday under penalty of the
aw."
#
LAWYERS.
2
Quong Long-" Codee, me no sabee; what you call Codee."
Officer (aside)-Faith, I'll translate it for the haythen Chi-
eneser.” Big police, Melican man slay you no washee
Shlunday; shutle shoppe, go chop chop churchee-D'ye un-
dersthand that, beghorra?"
66
Quong Long-." Bring him in tomorrow, one dollee dozen."
Officer "I don't want washin'
(૮
I warn ye to shut your
shop tomorrow.
99
Quong Long (bringing license)" Big coppee, five dollee,
allee lite."
Officer (very mad, and shaking a club)--"Ye'd better mind
phat I say or I'll run ye in at sunrise meself."
Quong Long (after consulting his dictionary)-"Me sabee;
me Christian; go Melican Sunda-school. Put shuttee up alle
time Sunda."
Officer, returning later, finds the following in the window:
Notis.
Sunda.
No washee, no comee. Man must go churchee. New
Codee.
QUANG LONG.
An Irishman once pleaded guilty, throwing himself on the
mercy of the court. To the surprise of the judge the jury
gave a verdict of “not guilty.' "What do you mean?" ex-
claimed the judge indignantly; "why the man has confessed
his guilt."
دو
""
"Oh, my lord," exclaimed the foreman, "you do not know
that fellow, but we do. He is the most notorious liar in the
whole county, and no twelve men who know his character can
believe a word he says.
The custom of appointing young lawyers to defend pauper
criminals received a blow the other day. A well known judge
had appointed two young lawyers to defend an old experienced
WIT AND HUMOR.
4%,
horse-thief. After inspecting his counsel some time in silence.
the prisoner rose in his place and addressed the bench :
"Air them to defend me? >>
'Yes, sir," said the judge.
"Both of them?" asked the prisoner.
"Both of them,” responded the judge.
"Then I plead guilty," and the poor fellow took his seat and
sighed heavily.
A Kentucky jury brought in the verdict: "Not guilty, if
he'l leave the state!"
Our verdict said the foreman of an Arkansas jury is "that
the prisoner is guilty and must be hanged, and we hope it will
be a warning to him."
1
DOCTORS, MIT AND HUMOR.
Fun and Pathos of the Profession.
An Irish editor says ne can see no earthly reason why
women should not be allowed to become medical men.
1
How Pat's Life Was Saved.
"Dr. Terry is a good Doctor," I said to Pat one day.
(6
'Ah yis sure, shure Doctor Terry is a foine man intirely,
Mister Purkins."
"But he's a good Doctor, isn't he?"
"Well, sur, it's not for the loikes av me fur to be givin' an
opanion on a midical man; but I can say this much for him :
I was wanst at death's dure, an' it was to Dr. Terry, no less,
that I owe me loife.”
"How was that? What was the matter you?
"Ye see, sur, I had a complication of diseases, an' two
other doctors did be workin' on me fur some time, an' I was in
a moighty bad way, an' the two doctors they give me up an'
wint away, an' then my friends they sint' fur Dr. Terry, but he
had another engagement, an' he didn't come !”
The Doctor Lost Faith in Daniel Webster.
An Arkansas judge had his law office very close to a certain
doctor's-in fact, they were separated only by a plank parti-
tion with a door in it. The judge was at his table, busy with
425
WIT AND HUMOR.
1
his briefs and bills in chancery. The doctor was writing a
letter, and, pausing at the word economical, called out:
"Judge, isn't e-q-u-i the way to spell equinomical? "
"Yes, I think it is," said the judge, "but here is Webster's
dictionary; I can soon tell."
He opened the book, and, turning over the leaves, repeated
aloud, "equinomical-equinomical.
29
Finding the proper place, he ran his eye and finger up and
down the column two or three times, until he was perfectly
satisfied that the word in question was not there. Closing the
book with a slam, the judge laid his specs on the table, and,
rising slowly, broke forth:
"Well, sir, I have always been a Daniel Webster man, and
voted for him for President; but any man that will write a
dictionary as big as this, and not put as common a word as
‘equi-nomical' in it, can't get my vote for anything hereafter!”
"Halloo, doctor, where are you going?"
"I'm called in to see Smith, who's down with a cold.”
"Oh, they've called you in, have they? Well, then, I'll
stop at the undertaker's and have the coffin got ready.”
The Doctor who Knows it all.
Scene: Office of a pompous doctor who knows it all. Enter
tired man, who drops into a seat, and says that he wants
treatment. The doctor puts on his eye-glasses, looks at his
tongue, feels of his pulse, sounds his chest, and then draws up
to his full hight, and says: "Same old story, my friend.
Men can't live without fresh air. No use trying it. I could
make myself a corpse, like you are doing by degrees, if I sat
down in my office and didn't stir. You must have fresh air;
you must take long walks, and brace up by staying out doors.
Now, I could make a drug store of you, and you would think
29
127
M
DOCTORS,
I was a smart man, but my advise to you is to walk, walk,
walk."
Patient-But doctor-
Doctor That's right. Argue the question. That's my re-
ward. Of course you know all about my business. Now, will
you take my advice? Take long walks every day, several
times a day, and get your blood in circulation.
Patient-I do walk, doctor. I—
Doctor-Of course you do walk. I know that; but walk
more. Walk ten times as much as you do now. That will
1.GAD
cure you.
Patient--But my business-
Doctor-Of course, your business prevents it.
business, so that you will have to walk more.
business?
Patient-I am a letter-carrier.
Doctor (paralyzed)-My friend, permit me to once more
examine your tongue.
رو
Change your
What is your
He Bled the Patient.
Eli Perkins.
When my uncle William fell out of a third-story window and
broke his nose, I called in the doctor and asked him what was
the matter.
The doctor looked at his tongue and said he thought he had
tic-doller-o.
"What did he do then?"
"Why, he prescribed bleeding, and bled him out of seven-
teen dollars.'
The Old Doctor.
"When I commencea the practice of medicine," said the
doctor, "I was very poor. I used to sit in my office day after
day, waiting for patients. I sat like 'Patience on a monu
ment.'”
A
WIT AND TUMOR.
428
I
66 'How is it now, doctor?"
"Well, things are changed. I haven't Patience on a monu
ment any more, but I've got monuments on all of my patients."
**
*
A physician gave a patient a box of pills, with directions to
"take one pill five times a day."
Bob Tombs, Alex. Stephens and Petər.
Eli Perkins.
Alex. H. Stephens, the old vice-president of the confederacy,
used to tell this story how Peter Bennett, an old Georgia
farmer, beat Bob Tombs and Dr. Royston in a law case; and
he used to tell it with all the mimicry of Dan Satchett and the
elegance of Sam Ward:
Dr. Royston sued farmer Bennett for his bill for medical
services. "I told Bennett," said Stephens, "that he could
make no defense, that Bob Tombs, a promising young lawyer,
was on the other side and he'd surely beat him."
"Never mind," said Bennett, "I want you to speak to the
case."
66
No, Bennett," I said, "there's no use. If there is any
speaking on this case, you'll have to do the talking.
""
"Very well, I'll do it, then," said Peter, "if you'll hold off
Bob Tombs."
I told Bennett I'd take care of Tombs, and was utterly sur
prised when Peter started off his speech to the jury:
"Gentlemen of the jury, I ain't no lawyer and no doctor,
and you ain't nuther, and if we farmers don't stick together
these here lawyers and doctors will get the advantage of us.
I ain't no objections to lawyers and doctors in their place, and
some is clever men, but they ain't farmers, gentlemen of the
jury. Now this Dr. Royston was a new doctor, and I sent for
him to come and doctor my wife's sore leg. And he did, and
put some salve truck on it, and some rags, but it never done a
L
~
DOCTORE,
bit of good, gentlemen of the jury. I don't believe he's no
doctor, no way. There's doctors as I know is doctors, sure
enough, but this ain't no doctor at all.”
The farmer was making headway with the jury, when Dr.
Royston said, "Here is my diploma."
"His diploma," said Bennet, with great contempt; "that
ain't nothin', for no piece of paper ever made a doctor yet."
"Ask my patients," yelled the now thoroughly enraged
physician.
"Ask your patients," slowly repeated Bennett, and then
deliberating; "ask your patients? Why, they are all dead.”
Then he rapidly enumerated case after case, most of them
among the negro servants and in the neigborhood, of such of
the doctor's patients who had succumbed to his pills and
powders, and continued: "Ask your patients! Why, I
should have to hunt them in the lonely graveyards and rap on
the silent tomb to get answers from the dead. You know they
can't say nothing to this case, for you've killed 'em all."
Loud was the applause, and Farmer Bennett won his case.
you?"
?
How an Irishman Cornered a Doctor.
A favorite story was of a trial at quarter sessions in Mayo,
which developed some of the ingenious resources of the Irish-
man when he chooses to exercise his talents in an endeavor not
to pay.
A doctor had summoned a man for the sum of one
guinea, due for attendance on the man's wife. The medico
proved his case, and was about to retire triumphant, when the
defendant humbly begged leave to ask him a few questions.
Permission was granted, and the following dialogue took place:
Defendant. "Docthor, you remember when I called on
Doctor. "I do,"
Def. "What did I say "
WIT AND HUMOR.
430
Doc. "You said your wife was sick, and you wished me to
go and see her."
Def. "What did you say?"
Doc. "I said I would if you'd pay me my fee."
Def. "What did I say?"
Doc. "You said you'd pay the fee, if you knew what it was.”
Def. "What did you say ?"
Doc. "I said I'd take the guinea at first, and maybe more
in the end, according to the sickness."
Def. "Now, Docthor, by vartue of your oath, didn't I say
'Kill or cure, docthor, I'll give you the guinea? And didn't
you say 'Kill or cure, I'll take it' ?”
Doc. "I did; and I agreed to the bargain, and want the
guinea accordingly.'
59
Def. "Now, docthor, by vartue of your oath answer this :
'Did you cure my wife' ?
""
Doc. "No: she's dead.
66
You know that."
Def. "Then, docthor, by vartue of your oath answer this:
'Did you kill my wife"?"
Doc. "No; she died of her illness."
Def. (To the bench)-"Your worship, see this. You
heard him tell our bargain. It was to kill or cure. By vartue
of his oath he done neither, and he axes the fee!"
The verdict, however, went against poor Pat, notwithstand-
ing his ingenuity.
Exposing a Quack,
David Paul Brown.
A quack had instituted suit to recover his bill for medical
services rendered. The defence was quackery and worthless-
ness of the services rendered. The doctor went upon the
witness stand and was subjected to a rigid cross-examination
as follows:
:
"Did you treat the patient according to the most approved
rules of surgery?"
"By all means
certainly I did."
g
.1
431
DOCTORS.
"Did you decapitate him?”
"Undoubtedly I did; that was a matter of course.” ·
"Did you perform the Cæsarean operation upon him?”
"Why, of course; his condition required it, and it was at
tended with very great success.
""
"Did you then subject his person to autopsy?"
"Certainly; that was the very last remedy I adopted."
"Well, then, doctor," said the counsel, "as you first cut off
the defendant's head, then dissected him, and he still survives
it, I have no more to ask; and if your claim will survive it,
quackery deserves to be immortal.'
Early Stages of Consumption.
Alex Sweet.
"When is yer gwine ter Fredericksburg?" asked an Austin
darkey who had learned to read, of one who had not acquired
the accomplishment.
"I am gwine ter-morrow mornin' in de early stage."
"Don't yer go in the early stage, Julius. I tells yer don't
risk it."
66
Why not, Pompey?"
"Bekase de early stages am sickly. I read a piece yester-
day, warnin' folks about consumption in the early stages."
**
※
A Western paper, in describing an accident recently, says,
with much candor: "Dr. Jones was called, and under his
prompt and skillful treatment the young man died on Wednes
day night."
An Arkansas Sick Man.
"Got any medicine?" asked a boy, entering a drug store
the other day down in Arkansas.
"Yes, lots of it. What do you want?" inquired the clerk.
"Oh, it don't make any difference, so that it's something
lively. Dad is fearful bad."
WIT AND HUMOR.
432
}
"What ails him?" askea the clerk.
"Dunno," said the boy; "but he's run down orful. He
just sits around the stove all day and mopes; he hasn't wal-
loped mother since Christmas. I guess he's going to die!"
* *
*
A negro walked into a arug store the other day, and said,
"Boss, gimme fi' cents wurf ob squills, fi' cents wurf oh oppy-
cac, and fi' cents wurf ob sody."
"You think that'll fetch 'em, do you?" jokingly asked the
druggist.
"I dunno, but fo' de Lawd, boss, dat's forty-fi' cents I done
gone an' spent on dat nigger wench, un' if she don't get well
dis time I'll break her back,"
Dissection in a Meat Market
Butcher. 6.
Come, John, be lively now; break the bones
in Mr. Williamson's chops and put Mr. Smith's ribs in the
basket for him."
John (briskly). "All right, sir; just as soon as I have
sawed off Mrs. Murphy's leg."
A Curious Prescription.
Dr. Moore, who had long worshipped Miss Jackson at a
distance, was one day suddenly called to attend her. He
found her suffering from no particularly dangerous malady,
but she wanted him to prescribe for her nevertheless; so he
took her hand and said impressively:
"Well, I should - prescribe
you get married."
M
prescribe—I should prescribe that—
“Oh, goodness!" said the interesting invalid. "who would
marry me, I wonder?"
"I would," snapped the doctor, with all the voracity of a
six-ft pickerel.
•
433
DOCTORS.
2
"You !" exclaimed the maiden.
"Yes."
"Well, doctor, if that is the fearful alternative, you can go
away and let me die in peace.
29
How a Boston Girl Proposed.
Mr. Budd had been courting Miss Flynn, a young lady from
Boston, who is studying medicine, but he was a modest man
and was afraid to propose. He had not even dared to take
her hand, though Miss Flynn often left it very near him in a
careless way.
One evening, while they were sitting together in the parlor,
Mr. Budd was still thinking how he should manage to pro-
pose. Miss Flynn was explaining certain physiological facts
for him.
"Do you know," began the Boston girl, "that thousands o
people are actually ignorant that they smell with their olfactory
peduncle ?”
"Millions of 'em," replied Mr. Budd.
"And Aunt Mary wouldn't believe me when I told her she
couldn't wink without a sphincter muscle ! "
"How unreasonable!"
"Why a person cannot kiss without sphincter!"
"Indeed!"
"I know it is so."
"May I try if I can?"
66
Oh, Mr. Budd, it is too bad for you make light of such a
subject."
Then he tried it, and while he held her hand she explained
to him about the muscles of that portion of the human body.
"Willie," whispered Miss Flynn very faintly
What, darling?"
39
"I can hear your heart beat."
"It beats only for you, my angel."
:
484
WIT AND HUMOR.
"And it sounds out of order. The ventricular contraction is
not uniform.”
"Small wonder for that, when it's bursting for joy."
"You must put yourself under treatment for it. I will give
you some medicine.”
"It's your own property, darling; do what you please with
it."
Dr. "Phiebotomy."
Mag
Dr. Chapman, of Philadelphia, was a great humorist in his
time.
During a summer vacation he made the acquaintance of a
country doctor a clever man, in the Yankee sense of that
word. Having never had a regular medical course of instruc-
tion, he was quite unacquainted with the technical terms of his
profession, and, in fact, was an interloper, with no genuine
claim to respect as a physician.
Dr. Jonson, the rural medico, proud of the acquaintan、 of
the great Philadelphia physician, brought a patient to him for
advice, saying that he had exhausted all his medicine and
skill upon the case, with no effect.
Chapman knew he was a quack, and began :
"Have you used depletions?"
"No, sir,” said Jonson; "I have thought of that, but it
is not to be had out here in the country.
""
"Perhaps you have tried venesection ?"
"I have not; indeed, it has never been introduced among
us here."
"Then I would recommend phlebotomy," continued Dr.
Chapman.
"The very thing I was going to give him as soon as I could
get some of it from the city. You didn't happen to bring any
with you, doctor, did you, sir?"
The Philadelphia doctor could hold in no longer. He
laughed so heartily that Jonson insisted on an explanation,

NEWS
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18
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Why didn't you dhraw your gun and shoot the Eyetalyun biaggard
through the heart?” (See page 438.)
DOCTORS
435
and when he learned that the three suggestions amounted to
the same thing, and that was bleeding, he bolted out, draw-
ing his recovering patient along with him. The story got out
also; and Jonson went by the name "Phlebotomy" to the
day of his death, which happened a few years ago.
* *
*
A Jerseyman was very sick and not expected to recover,
His friends got around the bed, and one of them says:
"John, do you feel willing to die !"
John made an effort to give his views on the subject, ano
answered with a feeble voice:
"I think I'd rather stay where I am better acquainted."
Attacked by Purtinitist.
This morning I went to my newsdealer to get a budget of
weekly papers. The stand is kept by an Irishman. Looking
me in the face and seeing that I looked a little jaded, the old
man remarked :
"You don't look well this morning, Mr. Perkins, have ye
been sick?"
66
"Well," said I, looking very serious, "I was laid out last
week by an attack of peritonitis."
“Attacked by Purtinitist, eh," exclaimed the old man, iook-
ing a great deal mixed up mentally. Then, after a moment's
pause, and in a very indignant tone: "Purtinitist! Why
didn't you dhraw your gun and shoot the Eyetalyun blaggard
through the heart?"
>>
The Doctor.
Eli Perkins,
One day I fell from a four-story window onto a picket fence.
When I asked my doctor if he thought I would die or recover
he looked at my tongue and said he thought-I would.
64
Why?" I asked,
2
486
WIT AND HUMOR
"Because," said he, "on general principles, Mr. Perkins,
whenever a patient's oesophagus becomes hyperemic through
the inordinate use of spiritus vini rectificati causing heptic
cirrhosis, the reverse holds true-in other cases it does not."
Then he put some water in two tumblers and said:
"Idiosyncracy, Mr. Perkins, is not superinduced by the
patient's membranous outer cutacle becoming homogenious with
his transmagnifibandanduality.'
""
Sez I, "Doctor, I think so, too."
My doctor, Dr. Hammond, is a great doctor. He can cure
anything. He can cure cholory or smallpox, or hams or
bacon.
One day I cut my toe off with an axe. When I called in
Dr. Hammond to prescribe for me he told me to hold out my
tongue. He said he thought I had tic dcloro, and then he
prescribed bleeding, and then he bled me out of seventeen
dollars. That was the dollar, and when he wanted his pay I
told him to charge it, and that was the tic, and I still owe it to
him, and that is the "o."
**
*
A doctor went out West to practice his profession. An old
friend met him on the street one day and asked him how he
was succeeding in his business.
"First-rate,” he replied. "I've had one case."
"Well--and what was that?"
"9
"It was a birth," said the doctor.
"How did you succeed with that?”
"Well, the old woman died, and the child died, but I think
I'll save the old man yet!
""
A Cautious Doctor.
"Do you think I'm a fool?" asked a violent fellow, of doc
tor Elmer, of New York.
"Really," replied the doctor, "I would not have ventured
DOCTORS.
437
the assertion, but now that you ask my opinion I must say that
I am not prepared to deny it.”
* *
*
A doctor, attending a wit who was very ill, apologized for
being late one day, by saying he had to stop to see a man that
had fallen down a well.
"Did he kick the bucket, doctor?" groaned the incorrigible
wit.
* *
*
An Iowa woman gave her husband morphine to cure him of
chewing tobacco. It cured him, but she is doing her own
spring plowing.
*3
A Boy Who Opposed Medical Science.
Opie P. Read.
Dr. Ike was called to see old Ned's son, and after several
visits the doctor said to the anxious father :
"Ned, I doan wanter distress yer, but dat boy can't git well
De conglomeration ob de membrens hab dun sot in.”
"Wall, I reckon dat will kill him," Ned replied. "I doan
see how a chile wid his weak constitution an' convention can
git ober sech a oneaseness ob de flesh. So you gins him up,
doctor?"
Yaas, I issues my decrement right heah. Dat boy can't
live five hours.'
""
About two weeks later Ned met the doctor and said:
"I thought you gin that boy up?"
Ain't he dead yit?"
"I did.
"Dead!" repeated Ned, contemptuously, "why, he's chop-
pin' wood dis mornin'.”
The doctor reflected for a moment and said :
"Dat's a nice way to fool wid medical science. How does
yer expeck folks to hab confidence in de advancement of
medical diskiveries when a boy acks dat way? Dat boy, sah,
428
WIT AND HUMOR.
lifts hisself up to dispute de 'stablished rules of de school ob
physicians. I'se done wid him."
'Ise glad ob it, sah; but yo'sef must hab made a mistake."
"No, I didn't, case I understan's my businefs."
"I means dat yer mout hab lef' too soon. Ef yer'd stayed
dar awhile longer yer might hab 'stablished de proof ob yer
proclamation."
"Look heah, Ned, yer'd better let me go and see dat boy
agin.”
66
No, I'se much obleeged to yer. I'se got a heap ob work
to do an' I need de chile. Go off somewhere an' pizen a cat.”
**
*
'How one thing brings up another," said a lady, absorbed
in pleasing retrospection.
"Yes," replied the practical Dr. Mott, "an emetic, for in-
stance.'
""
* *
*
An Irish doctor lately sent in his bill to a lady as follows
"To curing your husband till he died."
POLITICAL WIT.
1
Jokes and Anecdotes of the Campaign.
Gen. Grant says he heard an old negro praying like this:
“O Lord, we bless you for sendin' us Gin'ral Butler. He
is one of us, O Lord. He may have a white skin, but he's got
a black heart.”
Political Dogs.
A large Democratic meeting was held in Clermont, Ohio,
which was attended by a small boy who had four young puppy
dogs which he offered for sale. Finally one of the crowd,. ap-
proaching the boy, asked:
"Are these Democratic pups, my son?"
"Yes, sir."
"Well then," said he, "I'll take these two."
About a week afterward, the Republicans held a meeting at
the same place, and among the crowd was to be seen the same
chap and his two remaining pups. He tried for hours to
obtain a purchaser, and finally was approached by a Republican
and asked:
"My little lad, what kind of pups are these you have?"
"They are Republican pups, sir."
The Democrat who had purchased the first two, happened
to be in hearing, and broke out at the boy :
"See here, you young rascal, didn't you tell me that those
pups that I bought of you last week were Democratic pups?
"Y-e-s, sir," said the young dog merchant; "but these
ain't-they've got their eyes open!"
489
31
440
WIT AND HUMOR.
*
George W. Curtis' Awful Anti-Climax.
At Hartford, writes Eli Perkins, Mark Twain told me a new
reminiscence about the Chesterfieldian orator, George W. Curtis.
Everybody who knows Mr. Curtis knows him to be a very
precise man. George Bayard once told me that Mr. Curtis
always wears a full dress suit, even in the bath tub. His
periods are always eloquent, and his aim is always to end his
speeches in a burst of oratory.
C
Well, Mr. Curtis was selected to make the final speech, in
Hartford, in Lincoln's Presidential campaign in 1861. It was
the night before the election. The great opera house was
crowded, and the matchless orator had swayed the enthusiastic
audience into repeated applause. Finally the time came to
end the speech, which Mr. Curtis always does with a flowery
oratorical flight.
"And tomorrow, fellow-citizens," he said, "the American
people will be called upon to give their verdict, and I believe
you, as American freemen, will give that verdict against
American slavery. [Applause.] Yes, tomorrow we will go to
the polls with freedom's ballot in our hands, trampling slav-
ery's shackles under our feet, and while the Archangel of
Liberty looks down approvingly upon us from the throne of
Omnipotence, we will consign Stephen A. Douglas to the
pittomless bot!"
*
*
*
X
Sensation-then a loud guffaw from the fun-struck audience.
-X-
*
X-
Campaigning in Kentucky.
Campaigning down in Kentucky used to be a strange life.
Rivai speakers used often to resort to the sharpest dodges in
their speeches to defeat the opposition candidate.
In 1882, Gen. Frank L. Woolford, who was elected to Con-
gress, met his opponent, Gen. Frye, at Jamestown, in a
POLITIOS.
441
conjoint discussion.
Gen. Frye led off in an hour's speech, ending thus :
"Gentlemen: This is the best Government the sun ever
shone upon, and the freest. Who ever heard of such magna-
nimity as was shown by this Government to the Confederate
soldier when the War was ended?
""
There were 3,000 people present, and
Gen. Woolford arose and said: "Gen. Frye, I would like
to ask you a question."
66
Certainly," said Frye.
;;
Well, what did they do with the great and good soldier,
Gen. Robert E. Lee, when he surrendered at Appomattox?"
Then, without pausing for a reply, he answered his own ques-
tion: "I will tell you. They tied his hands behind him, tied
his feet, put a rope around his neck, and hung him on the spot.
Raise up, Bill Skys, and tell what you know about it. You
were there.'
>>
""
Bill arose and said slowly: "Yes, I was thar; it's so, gen
tlemen."
Woolford then proceeded, before granting Gen. Frye time
to collect himself at the audacity of the witness' dishonesty,
and said: "What did they do with Jeff Davis? Why, I will
tell you. They took him to Fortress Monroe, put him in the
hull of a gunboat, and kept him there until he died from
rheumatic pains. Raise up, Bill Skys, and tell what you know
about that; you were there.”
Bill arose, and answered: "I was-I was thar. I was one
of the pall-bearers.
Then Woolford, as a sort of climax, said: "They would
have killed me, too, had they not been afraid." Turning to
Frye, and pulling a six-shooter, he fairly shrieked: "What
have you to say to that?"
"Nothing," answered Frye; "there is nothing between you
and I."
442
WIT AND HUMOR.
Politically Disgraced.
Alex Sweet.
"How did you ever come to run for Congress, anyhow?"
asked a newly-elected member of Congress of another.
"Well, sir, I did it to bring disgrace on an uncle of mine
up in New York. You see he treated me very badly when I
was a boy, and I took a fearful vow that I would humiliate
him, and I have done it."
"What business is your uncle engaged in?"
"He is making shoes in Auburn penitentiary."
Eli Perkins.
"Father, does John Simons work for a living?" asked
little Johnny.
X X
-X-
"No, Johnny, Mr. Simpson don't do anything. He belongs
to the laboring man's party.'
66
""
How the Financial Question Comes Up.
"Well, and how did you enjoy your dinner?" asked a pas
senger of another on a European steamer, the first day out.
"Don't mention it," said the other, feelingly; "don't men-
tion it. It's a good deal like the financial question in Congress."
"How's that?"
Why, it's apt to come up at any moment."
Ignorant Women.
A very dirty, debased and ignorant looking man, said Susan
B. Anthony, came in to vote in a township in Michigan. Said
one of the ladies, offering him a ticket: "I wish you would
oblige us by voting this ticket."
"What kind of a ticket is that?" said he.
"Why," said the lady, "you can see for yourself.
"But I can't read," he answered.
";
POLITICS.
443
66
Why, can't you read the ballot you have there in your
in your hand, which you are about to vote?" asked the lady.
"No," said he, "I can't read at all.”
"Well," said the lady, "this ballot means that you are
willing to let the women, as well as the men, vote.”
"Is that it?" he replied; "then I don't want it; the women
don't know enough to vote.
""
* *
*
66
This Michigander knew just about as much as the New York
Irishman who held his naturalization paper in his hand.
"I say, Dinnis," he said, "d'ye see this bit ov paper I have
here?"
"I do, Moichael; rade it for me."
“Divil a worrud ov it can I rade at all, only I know it's my
naturalization papers, an' that I belong to the party, body an'
sowl, an' that I'm towld to vote as many times as I kin on
'lection day, for our party manes reform."
How the Candidate Declines.
Eugene Field.
Why not accept the United States Senatorship yourself,
Judge?" inquired a Senator from Routt county, at the Sen-
atorial Convention.
"Oh, well-now," stammered the Judge, blushing very
deeply; "I-well-you know-al-I-I am-yes-totally un-
prepared for that sort of a thing, you know."
"Of course you are," said the Senator from Routt county;
"but you embody all the qualifications demanded and I'm
going to announce you as a candidate !”
“No, no, no!” cried the Judge, catching the Routt county
Senator by the coat tails. "Don't do that, my dear sir, don't
do that! But I'll tell you what you can do. Come this way
a moment."
The Judge dragged the Senator into the darkest corner of
the lobby. There was a meaningful glitter in his eyes, his
444
WIT AND HUMOR.
bosom heaved with conflicting emotions and his voice was
strangely hoarse. He stood up on his toes and whispered in
the Senator's ear:
"You can say I am in the hands of my frien ls."
Calling for Henry.
At a recent Republican meeting in Cooper's Institute, the
speaker and audience were very much disturbed by a man who
constantly called for Mr. Henry. Whenever a new speaker
came on, this man bawled out, "Mr. Henry! Henry! Henry!
I call for Mr. Henry!"
After several interruptions of this kind at each speech, a
young man ascended the platform, and was soon airing his
eloquence in magnificent style, striking out powerfully in his
gestures, when the old cry was heard for Mr. Henry.
Putting his hand to his mouth like a speaking-trumpet, this
man was bawling out at the top of his voice, "Mr. Henry!
Henry! Henry! I call for Mr. Henry to make a speech!”
The chairman now arose, and remarked that it would oblige
the audience if the gentleman would refrain from any further
calling for Mr. Henry, as that gentleman was now speaking.
"Is that Mr. Henry?" said the disturber of the meeting.
"Thunder! that can't be Mr. Henry! Why, that's the little
cuss that told me to holler.”
66
Very Political.
They have a "citizens' movement" in Pittsburgh, Pa., and
it was all going on very smoothly till one man got up in the
meeting and asked:
"Ain't I nominated for mayor?"
"No," said the meeting.
"Nor for treasurer?"
"No."
POLITICS.
445
"Nor for controller?"
"No."
"Then blam' me if I don't make it warm for the movement,
that's all !"
Eli Perkins in a Political Speech.
What will the South give the North if they elect a President
and become the nation?
Ca
All we know is what they did give us when they had the
power. Last year the Democratic party had the upper and
lower house. What did they give the great North? Who did
they give the chairmanship of the great committee on "finance"
to? Did they give it to the great state of New York? No,
they gave it to the little rebel state of Delaware. They gave
it to Bayard who made a speech for secession.
Who did they give the next great committeeship to-the
committeeship of "appropriations"? Did they give it to the
great state of Indiana? No, they gave it to the rebel General
Atkins, of Tennessee. What did they give to the great state
of Indiana? What did they give to your splendid Daniel
Voorhes -- the tall Sycamore of the Wabash?
I will tell you, they made him chairman of the committee on
Seeds Library and Seeds! (laughter). Now picture to your-
selves, Indianians, your splendid Daniel Voorhies, as he goes
to the Agricultural Department. He says, I will have a paper
of hollyhock seeds for Terre Haute. (Laughter.) I will have
turnip seeds for Evansville (laughter); I will have them! I
am the King of Seeds. (Loud laughter).
is
Oratorical Interruptions.
J
Oratorical interruptions are often very funny. An orator,
Gen. Garfield, was making a war speech in Ashtabula, Ohio,
in 1864. Gentlemen, he said, "We have taken Atlanta, we
have taken Savannah, Columbus, Charleston, and now at last
446
WIT AND HUMOR.
"
we have captured Petersburg and occupy Richmond; and
what remains for us to take?"
An Irishman in the crowd shouted, "Let's take a drink!"
The crowd dispersed in various directions.
X X
-X-
A long winded orator said to his audience:
"I am speaking for the benefit of posterity," when some one
shouted:
"Yes, and if you don't get through soon, they'll be here!”
!
Carter H. Harrison's Spread-eagleism.
When Carter Harrison, the Mayor of Chicago, was in the
House, he made the following speech on the American Eagle:
"Think, Mr. Chairman, of the difference between now and
1776. A common eagle, extending his flight from the extreme
eastern limits of civilization to its western limit in 1776 would
have made that flight in one single day. Today the proudest
monarch of the forest, lifting himself from the Atlantic and
looking to the setting sun, ever intent in sailing onward, days,
ay, weeks, will have passed before he shall be able to cool his
wearied pinions in the spray of the Pacific; and yet we are
afraid of making a centennial precedent of celebrating the
glorious boon handed down to us by 1776.
Sir, ninety-two years ago, when the first anniversary of the
Fourth of July was celebrated after the acknowledgment of
Independence, when the gun first belched forth upon the eastern
slopes of Maine at sunrise that the day of our national birth had
come, as in the sun's rapid flight across the continent gun after
gun was heard, in less than one hour the last gun was heard on
our western limits, and was echoed by the crack of the red
man's rifle, and the war whoop of the Indian was the chorus
to the orator's patriotic words. What is it today?
When the sun shall rise on the Fourth of July next and
shall gild the hilltops on the St. John's, and the boom of the
POLITICS.
447
cannon is heard announcing the one hundredth birthday of our
existence, as the sun shall roll on in his march of a thousand
miles an hour, and gun after gun shall catch up the detonation
of the last gun, the national anthem will swell, and, as it goes
westward until reaching a line stretching from the far north to
the extreme south of the Gulf of Mexico, one grand peal shall
be heard, a peal of a thousand guns, rocking the very founda-
tions of earth, echoed to the blue vaults of heaven, mingling
its tones with the songs of the stars as they roll in their
musical spheres. Ay, sir, that tone, that grand, national
anthem, rolling over a land teeming with population, rich in
all that blesses man, will take nearly five hours going from our
eastern to our western limits; and, yet we cannot vote three
and a quarter cents each of the people's money for a celebration
of the magnificent boon our forefathers have given us.
""
The Irishman in Politics.
"Gath" (Geo. Alfred Townsend) says he will not vote for a
party that can't spell and pronounce our Savior's name.
"How do they spell it over at the democratic head-
quarters?" asked a friend.
"They spell it 'Jasus,' sir."
The Jasus democrats, in Terre Haute, got into trouble a
few years ago from a very small cause. The old Indiana
democrats are not very far-sighted, and they resolved to have
a barbeque. The committee after long deliberation concluded
to have it on Friday.
Upon the announcement of the date, an excited Irishman
jumped to his feet and exclaimed :
"Mr. Prisident! I'd have ye to understand, sur, that the
great heft of the dimmicratic party don't ate mate on Friday."
The barbeque was eaten on Thursday to accommodate the
majority.
82
448
WIT AND HUMOR.
3
Tom Marshall, the Kentucky orator, had this funny experi-
ence in an Irish audience. At a political meeting in Buffalo,
Tom began his speech and had made but little progress, before
he was assailed with a torrent of abuse by a big Irishman in
the crowd. Not at all disconcerted, Tom yelled out at the top
of his voice:
"Be jabbers, that's me fren', Pat Murphy, the man that
spells God with a little 'g' and Murphy with a big 'M!'"
This floored Pat, amidst roars of laughter.
The Currency Question.
"Fat's all this talk about the currency, and the five-
twenties, and the sivin-thirties that I hear about, Mike?"
"Why bliss your sowl, don't ye know, Pat? It manes
that the goverment wants to make the laborin' men work from
five-twinty in the mornin' till sivin-thirty in the evening."
"Och, the spalpeens, may the divil take them."
Eli Perkins on Congressional Wit.
The only time Sam Cox was ever squelched, not counting
the "shoo fly" of Ben Butler, was when Owen Lovejoy, of
Illinois, did it in 1862. Mr. Cox had been making a long and
exhaustive speech in the house on the tariff. The members
were all tired. In the middle of the speech the solemn form
of Mr. Lovejoy arose, got the eye of the speaker and said:
"Mr. Speaker!"
"The gentleman from Illinois !" said the speaker.
"I arise, Mr. Speaker," said Mr. Lovejoy, "to a question of
privilege.
""
"Does the gentleman from New York yield the floor?"
asked the speaker, addressing Mr. Cox.
"I will yield for a question of information and not other.
wise," said Mr. Cox.
POLITICS.
449
"I do desire to ask a question for information." said Mr..
Lovejoy.
"Very well, Mr. Speaker." said Mr. Cox. "I yield to the
gentleman from Illinois."
“The gentleman from Illinois now has the floor," said the
speaker.
Mr. Lovejoy now arose slowly and majestically. "Mr.
Speaker, "he said slowly, "I arise for in-for-ma-tion. I wish to
ask the gentleman from New York a question."
Mr. Cox: "Let him ask it!"
"I wish," said Mr. Lovejoy, "to-ask-the-gentleman-from-
New-York-if-he-hasn't-got-most-through?" loud laughter all over
the house, when Mr. Cox moved an adjournment.
The Laziest Man on Earth.
General Dawson, the old Western Pennsylvanian Congress-
man, used to tell this story in all his campaign speeches to
illustrate the laziness of the poor whites down in Virginia:
On one occasion, the general said, he got across the Penn-
sylvania line into a little village of Virginia. He was in the
midst of a group around the tavern. While treating and talk-
ing, a procession approached, which looked like a funeral. He
asked who was to be buried.
"Job Dowling," said they.
"Poor Job!" sighed the general. "He was a goodnatured,
good-for-nothing, lazy fellow, living on the few fish he caught
and the squirrels he killed, but mostly on the donations of his
neighbors.'
>>
"So, poor Job is dead, is he?"
"No, he ain't dead 'xactly," said they.
"Not dead--not d-Yet you are going to bury him?"
“Fact is, general, he has got too infernal all-fired lazy to
live. We can't afford him any more. He got so lazy that the
grass began to grow over his shoes-so everlastin' lazy that he
450
WIT AND HUMOR.
put out one of his eyes to save the trouble of winkin' when out
a gunnin'.
999
"But," says the general, "this must not be. It will dis-
grace my neighborhood. Try him a while longer, can't you?"
"Can't; too late-coffin cost $1.25. Must go on now."
About this time the procession came up and halted, when
the general proposed, if they would let Job out, he would send
over a bag of corn. On this announcement the lid of the coffin
opened, and Job languidly sat up. The cents dropped from
his eyes as he asked :
"Is the corn shelled, general?"
""
"No, not shelled.'
"Then," said Job, as he lazily lay down, "go on with the
funeral."
Aristippus the Greek Politician.
Aristippus came to Athens from Cyrenean to study with
Socrates. Eschines says Aristippus studied sophistry to fit
him to be a politician. It is certain that he todied to the
Emperor Dionysius and made a good deal of money out of
him, even though Dionysius often called him his dog. Aristippus
was so politic that he would never get mad at any indignity
heaped upon him by Dionysius. Once the Emperor even spit
in his face, and when the attendants laughed Aristippus said:
"O laugh. It pays me to be spit upon.'
""
"How so?" asked Plato.
"Why, don't the sea spit salt on you when you catch a
sturgeon?"
"Yes.'
""
66
Well, Dionysius spits pure wine on me while I am catch-
ing gold fish."
The logic of Aristippus pleased Plato and Socrates and
even Dionysius laughed at it when he heard of it.
Diogenes, who wore old rags and ate cheap vegetables, hated
Aristippus who dressed finely and ate with the king. One

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Then," said Job, "go on with the funeral." (See page 450.)
451
POLITIOS.
day when Diogenes was washing potatoes, Aristippus made
fun of him.
"If you had learned to live on plain vegetables like potatoes
and cabbage," said Diogenes, "you would not have to be
spit upon and cuffed around by Dionysius."
"Yes, and if you tramps had learned how to be polite to
the king you might be drinking wine in the palace instead of
washing vegetables in the market."-Translated from the
Greek by Eli Perkins.
Tom Marshall's Wit.
One time Gen. Tom Marshall was speaking to a large gath-
ering in Buffalo, when some one present, every few moments,
kept shouting, "Louder! louder!”
Tom stood this for a while, but at last, turning gravely to
the presiding officer, he said: "Mr. Chairman. At the last
day, when the angel shall, with his golden trumpet, proclaim
that time shall be no longer; when the quick and dead shall
appear before the Mercy Seat to be judged, I doubt not, sir,
that the solemnity of that solemn and awful scene will be in-
terrupted by some drunken fool from Buffalo, shouting,
"Louder, Lord! louder!"
* *
-*
"I rise for information," said a member of a legislative body.
"I am very glad to hear it," said a bystander, "for no man
needs it more."
Breaking Up a Speaker.
It's a common joke, writes Eli Perkins from Saratoga, when
one fellow wants to get another fellow away from a girl, to go
up and whisper :
"My friend, I am sorry to tell you, but your coat is sadly
ripped up the back." This of course sends the devoted talker
up to his room for a change of clothing, and leaves the miser
able joker in possession of the lady.
WIT AND HUMOR.
452
The same dodge is often resorted to with public speakers, and
it will always break the oldest ones up.
"I was once opening a speech from the stump," said Gen-
eral Logan, "and was just beginning to warm with my sub-
ject, when a remarkable clear and deliberate voice spoke out
behind me, saying:
"Reckon he wouldn't talk quite so hifalutin if he knew that
his trowsers was bust clean out behind "
"From that moment, said the General, I couldn't get on.
The people in front began to laugh, and there was a loud roar
behind me, and I dared not reverse my position for fear of
having a new audience for my condition."
Tom Marshall, that grand old Kentucky lawyer and cam-
paigner, once broke up General Perkins with a witty rejoinder:
General Perkins and Tom Marshall were canvassing the
State in a hotly-contested election. The general was a roaring
democrat, and by way of catching the laboring men was fond
of boasting that his father was a cooper by trade in an obscure
part of the state. The great failing of the general was his
fondness for old whisky, but the more he drank the more of a
Democrat he became, and the prouder of being the son of a
cooper. Of this fact he had been making the most, when
Marshall, in replying to his speech, looked at him with great
contempt, and said:
"Fellow-citizens, his father may have been a very good
cooper-I don't deny that; but I do say, gentlemen, he put a
mighty poor head into that whisky barrel!"
He Hated Pennsylvania.
I was riding in the cars the other day with an old Granger
who lives just over the Pennsylvania line in Ohio. As we
rode along, I looked out of the car window and whistled one
of my favorite tunes.
The old Granger got up and came over to me and 1emarked;
453
POLITICS.
3
:
"You would be a good whistler, my friend, if they hadn't
invented tunes to bother you."
"I'm not a whistler," I said, "I'm a lecturer. My name is
Perkins; I'm -—————”
"What! Eli Perkins? ""
"Yes, sir."
"The man who lectures?"
"Yes, sir; I'm going to Marietta now."
Going to marry who?"
"I say I'm going to Mari-etta."
Nice girl-rich, I 'spect, too,
"Yes, I heard you say so.
ain't she?"
66
'No, sir; you don't understand me. I'm going to lecture
at Marietta. I'm-"
"Then you really do lecture, do you?" continued the
Granger.
66
"Why, of course I do."
"Been lecturing much in Ohio?"
"Yes-a good many nights."
""
"Well, now, Mr. Perkins," said the Granger, as he dropped
his voice to a confidential whisper, "why don't you lecture.
over in Pennsylvania? We just hate Pennsylvania, we do!"
Official Information.
When Amos Kendall was Postmaster General, he wrote to
a postmaster in Georgia asking for some geographical inform-
ation. This was the Postmaster General's letter:
"Sir: This Department desires to know how far the Tom-
bigbee River runs up. Respectfully yours," etc.
By return mail came :
up at all; it runs down.
"Sir: The Tombigbee does not run
Very respectfully yours," etc.
Kendall, not appreciating his subordinate's humor, wrote
again :
"Sir: Your appointment as postmaster is revoked; you
WIT AND HUMOR.
454
will turn over the funds, etc., pertaining to your office to your
""
successor.
Not at all disturbed by his summary dismissal, the post-
master replied:
"Sir: The revenues of this office for the quarter ending
September 30th have been 95 cents; its expenditures, same
period, for tallow candles and twine, $1.05. I trust my suc-
cessor is instructed to adjust the balance."
Dissolving the Union.
Lieutenant-Governor Ford was addressing a political gather-
ing before the late civil war, and related in his own inimitable
way the following capital story:
"Dissolve the Union!" said Ford; "I should like to see
them attempt to dissolve the Union. Why, this silly cry
reminds me of an Irishman who went down into a well to clean
it out. When he was through, he made the signal to be hauled
up. His companions, who were determined to have a joke at
his expense, hauled him up about half-way and then stopped.
There he hung-no way to get up-no safe way to get down,
if that were desirable. He begged and entreated, but it was
of no use. He stormed and raved, but it did no good. At
last he sung out:
"Haul it out, ye spalpeens, or, by the piper that played
before Moses, I'll be after cuttin' the rope!'
"Let them cut the rope, if they like the plunge," was Ford's
application of the story.
Proctor Knott's Duluth Speech.
Until Proctor Knott made his tamous Duluth speech the
House had little thought of the rich plenitude of humor in
store for them. The surprise was enhanced because Mr. Knott
spoke rarely. He was not an active, rather a lazy, member-
ostensibly so.
455
POLITIOS.
"He used to slug or sleep, in slothful shade."
They took the alligator for a log, till they sat on him. Grudg
ingly was the floor yielded to him on the Duluth debate. He
was offered only ten minutes; whereupon he remarked that
his facilities for getting time were so poor that, if he were
standing on the brink of perdition, and the sands were crum-
bling under his feet, he could not in that body get time enough
to say the Lord's Prayer. The St. Croix and Bayfield Road
Bill asked for some of the public domain. Mr. Knott dis-
avowed any more interest in the bill than in an orange-grove
on the bleakest summit of Greenland's icy mountains. It was
thus that he introduced the splendid project:
"Years ago, when I first heard that there was, somewhere
in the vast terra incognita, somewhere in the bleak regions of
the great Northwest, a stream of water known to the nomadic
inhabitants of the neighborhood as the river St. Croix, I be-
came satisfied that the construction of a railroad from that raging
torrent to some point in the civilized world was essential to the
happiness and prosperity of the American people, if not abso-
lutely indispensable to the perpetuity of republican institutions
on this continent. [Great laughter.] I felt instinctively that the
boundless resources of that prolific region of sand and pine-
shrubbery would never be fully developed without a railroad
constructed and equipped at the expense of the government,
and perhaps not then. [Laughter.] I had an abiding pre-
centiment that, some day or other, the people of this whole
country, irrespective of party affiliations, regardless of sectional
prejudices, and 'without distinction of race, color, or previous
condition of servitude,' would rise in their majesty and demand
an outlet for the enormous agricultural productions of those
vast and fertile pine-barrens, drained in the rainy season by
the surging waters of the turbid St Croix." [Great laughter.]
And now, Mr. President, in the middle of these teeming
pine barrens at the mouth of the St. Croix, is Duluth-Duluth
the zenith city of the unsalted seas. [Laughter.] "Duluth!
WIT AND HUMOR.
456
/
The word fell upon my ear with peculiar and indescribable
charm, like the gentle inurmur of a low fountain stealing forth
in the midst of roses, or the soft, sweet accents of an angel's
whisper in the bright, joyous dream of sleeping innocence.
Duluth! 'Twas the name for which my soul had panted for
years, as the hart panteth for the water-brooks. [Renewed
laughter.] But where was Duluth? Never in all my limited
reading had my vision been gladdened by seeing the celestial
word in print. [Laughter.] And I felt a profounder humilia-
tion in my ignorance that its dulcet syllables had never before
ravished my delighted ear. [Roars of laughter.] I was cer
tain the draughtsman of this bill had never heard of it, or
it would have been designated as one of the termini of this
road. I asked my friends about it, but they knew nothing
of it. I rushed to the library and examined all the maps I
could find. [Laughter.] I discovered in one of them a deli-
cate, hair-like line, diverging from the Mississippi near a place
marked Prescott, which I supposed was intended to represent
the river St. Croix, but I could nowhere find Duluth.
Nevertheless, I was confident it existed somewhere, and
that its discovery would constitute the crowning glory of the
present century, if not of all modern times. [Laughter.] I
knew it was bound to exist, in the very nature of things; that
the symmetry and perfection of our planetary system would be
incomplete without it [renewed laughter]; that the elements of
material nature would long since have resolved themselves
back into original chaos if there had been such a hiatus in
creation as would have resulted from leaving out Duluth.
[Roars of laughter.] In fact, sir, I was overwhelmed with the
conviction that Duluth not only existed somewhere, but that,
wherever it was, it was a great and glorious place. I was
convinced that the greatest calamity that ever befell the
benighted nations of the ancient world was in their having
passed away without a knowledge of the actual existence of
Duluth; that their fabled Atlantis, never seen save by the
457
POLITICS.
hallowed vision of inspired poesy, was, in fact, but another
name for Duluth; that the golden orchard of the Hesperides
was but a poetical synonym for the beer-gardens in the vicinity
of Duluth. [Great laughter.] I was certain that Herodotus
had died a miserable death because in all his travels and with
all his geographical research he had never heard of Duluth.
[Laughter.] I knew that if the immortal spirit of Homer could
look down from another heaven than that created by his own
celestial genius upon the long lines of pilgrims from every
nation of the earth to the gushing fountain of poesy opened by
the touch of his magic wand; if he could be permitted to behold
the vast assemblage of grand and glorious productions of the
lyric art called into being by his own inspired strains, he would
weep tears of bitter anguish that, instead of lavishing all the
stores of his mighty genius upon the fall of Ilion, it had not
been his more blessed lot to crystallize in deathless song the
rising glories of Duluth. [Great and continued laughter.] Yet,
sir, had it not been for this map, kindly furnished me by the
legislature of Minnesota, I might have gone down to my
obscure and humble grave in an agony of despair because I
could nowhere find Duluth. [Renewed laughter.] Had such
been my melancholy fate, I have no doubt that with the last
feeble pulsation of my breaking heart, with the faint exhalation
of my fleeting breath, I should have whispered, Where is
Duluth?' [Roars of laughter.]
"But, thanks to the beneficence of that band of ministering
angels who have their bright abodes in the far-off capital of
Minnesota, just as the agony of my anxiety was about to cul-
minate in the frenzy of despair, this blessed map was placed in
my hands; and as I unfolded it a resplendent scene of ineffable
glory opened before me, such as I imagine burst upon the en-
raptured vision of the wandering peri through the opening
gates of Paradise. [Renewed laughter.] There, there for the
first time, my enchanted eve rested upon the ravishing word
• Duluth.'
6
6
WIT AND HUMOR.
458
"If gentlemen will examine it, they will find Duluth not
only in the centre of the map, but represented in the center of
a series of concentric circles one hundred miles apart, and
some of them as much as four thousand miles in diameter,
embracing alike in their tremendous sweep the fragrant sa-
vannas of the sunlit South and the eternal solitudes of snow
that mantle the ice-bound North. [Laughter.] How these
circles were produced is perhaps one of those primordial mys-
teries that the most skillful paleologist will never be able to
explain. [Renewed laughter.] But the fact is, sir, Duluth is
pre-eminently a central place, for I am told by gentlemen who
have been so reckless of their own personal safety as to venture
away into those awful regions where Duluth is supposed to be,
that it is so exactly in the center of the visible universe that
the sky comes down at precisely the same distance all around
it." [Roars of laughter.]
"Let us look at the commercial status of Duluth. It is sur
rounded by millions of wealthy savages. Droves of buffalo
are impatient to contribute to its greatness. I think I see them
now, a vast herd, with heads down, eyes glaring, nostrils
dilated, tongues out, and tails curled over their backs, tearing
along toward Duluth, with a thousand Piegans on their grass-
bellied ponies yelling at their heels! On they come! And as
they sweep past the Creeks, they too join in the chase, and
away they all go, yelling, bellowing, ripping and tearing along
amid clouds of dust, until the last buffalo is safely penned in
the stock-yards of Duluth!"
"My relation is simply that of trustee to an express trust.
And shall I ever betray that trust? Never, sir! Rather per
ish Duluth! Perish the paragon of cities! Rather let the
freezing cyclones of the bleak Northwest bury it forever be
neath the eddying sands of the raging St. Croix!" [Laughter.]
•
459
POLITICS.
2
Quaint Speeches.
William M. Evarts' sentences are often so long that he in lea
into a blunder. Recently at the New England dinner, in
Brooklyn, Mr. Evarts said:
+
"Ladies and gentlemen! I am glad to be called upon to
speak on the city of Brooklyn, because you are such a great
people, such a growing people, and such an advancing people
· - and I come within the bounds of truth when I say that the
people of Brooklyn are all superior-superior (' to each other',
said a gentleman sitting by the orator's side)—yes, as the
gentleman remarks, superior to each other." [Laughter.]
This speech was similar to Gen. Nye's speech in the senate,
when he said:
"Mr. Speaker: The generality of mankind in general are
disposed to exercise oppression on the generality of mankind
in general.
""
"You'd better stop, General; you are coming out at the
same hole you went in at," said a member, pulling him down
by the coat tail.
The Hon. D. J. Mitchell (everybody in Central New York
remembers Dave Mitchell), once had a little champagne in
him while making a speech in Rochester:
"Men of Rochester," he said! "I am glad to see you; and I
am glad to see your noble city. Gentlemen, I saw your falls,
which, I am told, are one hundred and fifty feet high; that is
a very interesting fact. Gentlemen, Rome had her Cæsar,
her Scipio, her Brutus, but Rome in her proudest days, had
never a waterfall a hundred and fifty feet high! Gentlemen,
Greece had her Pericles, her Demosthenes, and her Socrates;
but Greece, in her palmiest days, never had a waterfall a
hundred and fifty feet high. Men of Rochester, go on! No
people ever lost their liberty who had a waterfall a hundred
and fifty feet high !
ور
{
WIT AND HUMOR.
460
On another occasion he finished up with:
Gentlemen, there's the national debt-it should be paid;
yes, gentlemen, it should be paid. I'll pay it myself. How
much is it?"
"}
After several laws had been repealed in the 39th Congress,
John Potter arose and said: "Mr. Speaker: Can there be
anything brought into this House that will not be repealed
sooner or later?
66
Yes, a skinned orange," interrupted the Hon. Wm. E
Lansing.
TEMPERANCE ANECDOTES.
remperance Lecturers' Wit, Humor, Wisdom, and Pathos.
John Jones' Monument.
John Jones began at the age of fifteen to build a monument
and finished it at fifty. He worked night and day, often all
night long, and on the Sabbath. He seemed to be in a great
hurry to get it done. He spent all the money he earned upon
it-some say $50,000. Then he borrowed all he could; and
when no one would loan him any more he would take his
wife's dresses and the bed-clothes and many other valuable
things in his home, and sell them to get more money to finish
that monument.
They say he came home one day and was about to take the
blankets that lay over his sleeping baby to keep it warm, and
his wife tried to stop him; but he drew back his fist and
knocked her down, and then went away with the blankets and
never brought them back, and the poor baby sickened and
died from the exposure. At last there was not anything left in
the house. The poor, heart-broken wife soon followed the
baby to the grave. Yet John Jones kept working all the more
at the monument. I saw him when he was about fifty years
old. The monument was nearly done; but he had worked so
hard at it that I hardly knew him, he was so worn; his clothes
were all in tatters, and his hands and face, indeed, his whole
body, were covered with scars which he got in laying up some
of the stones. And the wretched man had been so little, all this
while that he was building, in good society that he had about
forgotten how to use the English language; his tongue had
461
WIT AND HUMOR.
462
somehow become very thick, and when he tried to speak out
would come an oath.
That may seem strange, but I have found out that all who
build such monuments as John's prefer oaths to any other
word!
Now, come with me, and I will show you John's monument.
It stands in a beautiful part of the city where five streets meet,
Most men put such things in a cemetery. But John had his
own way and put it on one of the finest lots to be found.
"Does it look like Bunker Hill monument?" asks little
Amy Arlott by my side.
Not at all. John didn want to be remembered that way.
He might have taken that $50,000 and built an asylum for
poor little children that have no home, and people would have
called the asylum his monument.
But here we are at the front door. It is a grand house!
It is high and large, with great halls and towers, and velvet
carpets, elegant mirrors and a piano, and I know not what all;
so rich and grand.
This is John Jones' monument! and the man who sold
John nearly all the whisky he drank lives here with his family,
and they all dress in the richest and finest clothes.
Do you understand it? - Rev. C. M. Livingston.
How a Drunkard Sees Things.
"Sam, did - did (hic) you see anything of my wife?"
"I have not the honor of knowing your wife, sir."
"Don't apologize, Sam, don't apo-apo- (hic) - logize. It
- it's no honor whatever. Didn't see her?”
"I did not."
66 How
yer know yer didn't? She-she's as tall as a (hic)
meetin'-house, and broad as a lamp-post, a-and she wears a
gingham umbereller and one eye out, and (hic) her nose was
done
up in a pair of specs. Didn't see her?”
463
TEMPERANCE ANECDOTES.
*
l
"No, sir!" (emphatically).
"That's all right, Sam, that's all right. M-m-merely asked
for frinfanmashion. She (hic) she said she was goin' to join a
soryory-sis, and if she does I mean to get stavin'-blind drunk.
Wouldn't you?”
Sam said the man did get drunk after that, for at three
o'clock in the morning he found him sitting with his feet in
the muddy gutter, and when he asked him what he was doing,
he said:
"Jes-si told you, Sam. I've got blind drunk (hic). My
wife says so (hic). I've tried twice to get in at the front door
(hic), and she's put me out both times (hic), and my self-
respect won't allow me to try it again (hic). So I'm waiting
till she's quieted down a little (hic), and then I think I can
crawl through the cellar window (hic).”
The Safest Way.
"You never signed the pledge, did you Uncle John?”
Uncle John was Harry's ideal of a great and noble man.
And it was not a mistaken ideal. Uncle John's hair was white
with the passing of over eighty winters, but his eye was bright,
his step firm, and his voice earnest and kindly as ever. His
life had been one of uprightness as well as one of what the
world calls success.
"I never signed a pledge on my own account; I presume I
have signed several as an example or aid to others,” replied
Uncle John.
"Casper Firmstone is all the time teasing me to sign,” said
Harry; but I know I can drink a gill of cider and not want
any more, or let it alone if I do want it. And I can take one
sip of the best wine Mr. Fraser has and not take the second.
So I don't see any use in hampering a fellow with a piece of
paper.'
"Don't be too sure about what you can do, Harry. I've
ور
WIT AND HUMOR,
464
seen a good many 'sure' people in my life, as well as a good
many 'cautious' people, and I've always noticed in the long
run that the cautious people were the safest. I'll tell vou
where I first learned that lesson, if you'd like to know."
"I should," said Harry, always ready at the first hint of a
story.
"When I was a boy, a good deal smaller than you, I lived
in a small town in Vermont. There was a large creek by the
village, and at a place called 'The Mills' there was a bean-
tiful fall of water, of ten or twelve feet, pitching off from an
even-edged, flat rock. Reaching quite across the creek, a dis
tance of twenty feet over this fall of water, was a bridge span
ning the stream.
"The sides of this bridge were boarded up some four feet
high. These side-pieces were capped by a flat railing of boards
of from four to six inches wide. Some of the more daring
school children used to walk on this narrow capping-board
when crossing the bridge, and more than one fall and serious
injury happened there.
"There was one thing that saved me from getting hurt or
killed by the dangerous crossing. You would like to know
what it was? The easiest thing in the world. It happened
from the small circumstance that I never had either the
courage or disposition to walk there at all! In other words, I
wasn't 'sure' of my head, and I was sure on the broad, open
bridge.
"I can think of a great many places that boys and men try
to pass safely which are quite as dangerous, and where multi-
tudes fall and ruin themselves, and perhaps perish, both soul
and body, forever. The safest way is never to take the first
step on a dangerous path."

***
******
'Where am I?" (See page 465.)
B
TEMPERANCE ANECDOTES.
465
How she Cured her Husband of Drinking
After trying various experiments to cure he husband of
drunkenness, such as tobacco soaked in his whisky, a live eel
in the jug, etc., Mrs. Quinn at last bethought herself of another
plan of making a "reformed drunkard" of her husband.
She engaged a watchman, for a stipulated reward, to carry
"Philander" to the watch-house, while yet in a state of insensi-
bility, and to "frighten him a little" when he recovered.
In consequence of this arrangement, he was waked up about
eleven o'clock at night, and found himself lying on a pine
bench in a strange and dim apartment. Raising himself up on
his elbow, he looked around, until his eyes rested on a man
sitting by a stove, and smoking a cigar.
"Where am I?" asked Philander.
"In a medical college!" said the cigar-smoker.
"What a doing then?"
"Going to be cut up!"
"Cut up!-how comes that?"
"Why, you died yesterday, while you were drunk, and we
have brought your body here to make a 'natomy."
""
"It's a lie-I ain't dead!
answer.
((
"No matter; we bought your carcass, any how, from your
wife, who has a right to sell it, for it's all the good she could
ever make out of you. If you're not dead, its no fault of the
doctors, and they'll cut you up, dead or alive."
"You will do it, eh?" asked the old sot.
"To be sure we will-now-immediately," was the resolute
Wall, look o'here, can't you let us have something to drink
before you begin?”
"Never mind, doctor, you needn't cut him up," said Mrs.
Quinn, who was listening over behind the stove, "I take him
home, put him in the ash barrel and let him go out with the
garbage. He can't be cured."
468
WIT AND HUMOR,
God's Liquor.
Paul Denton, a Methodist preacher in Texas, advertised a
barbecue, promising better liquor than was usually furnished.
When the people had assembled, a desperado in the crowd
walked up to him, and cried out:
You promised not only a
Where's the liquor?”
"Mr. Denton, you have lied.
good barbecue, but better liquor.
"There!" answered the preacher, in tones of thunder, and
pointing his finger at a spring gushing up close by with a
sound like a murmur of joy, from the bosom of the earth.
There! in that cool, bubbling spring-there is the liquor
which God, the Eternal, brews for all His children. Not in
the simmering still, over smoky fires, choked with poisonous
gases, surrounded with the stench of sickening odors and cor-
ruptions, doth your Father in heaven prepare the precious
essence of life-pure cold water; but in the green glade and
grassy dell, where the red deer wanders, and the child loves to
play, there God brews it; and down, low down in the deepest
valleys, where the fountain murmurs and the rills sing; and
high upon the mountain-tops, where the naked granite glitters
like gold in the sun, where the storm-cloud broods and the
thunder-storms crash; and far out on the wide, wild sea, where
the hurricane howls music, and the big wave rolls the chorus,
sweeping the march of God—there He brews it, that beverage
of life-health-giving water.
And everywhere it is a thing of life and beauty — gleaming
in the dew-drop; singing in the summer rain; shining in the
ice-gem, till the trees all seem turned to living jewels; spread-
ing a golden vail over the setting sun, or a white gauze around
the midnight moon; sporting in the glacier; folding its bright
snow-curtain softly about the wintery world; and weaving the
many-colored bow, that seraph's zone of the siren--whose warp
is the rain-drops of earth, whose woof is the sunbeam of
TEMPERANCE ANECDOTES.
467
heaven, all checked over with celestial flowers, by the mystic
hand of refraction.
Still always it is beautiful-that blessed life-water! No por-
sonous bubbles are on its brink; its foam brings not madness
and murder; no blood stains its liquid glass; pale widows and
starving orphans weep not burning tears in its depths; no
drunkard's shrinking ghost, from the grave, curses it in the
worlds of eternal despair! Speak out, my friends: would you
exchange it for the demon's drink, ALCOHOL?
Griswold Grows Eloquent.
Behold the child of the drunkard, sheltered by the wonderful
patience and self-sacrifice of a drunkard's wife, grown into
boyhood or girlhood, and witness the actions of that child
when a drunken man reels into sight; it should make a heart
of stone ache to behold the distress and terror pictured on the
face of one wholly innocent of any share in this wrong-save
that of suffering. Children in our schools have been known to
hide themselves from sight when a gibbering sot passed the
schoolhouse, and was hooted and scoffed at by thoughtless
boys. Is it those who do their best to prevent the evils of
drunkenness that are to answer for these things?
We have known dealers not addicted to drink. We have
known others who would kindly but firmly refuse to partake
even with their customers. In fact, very many dealers know
too well the lesson taught by tippling, and save themselves by
abstaining. This may be manliness in the estimation of some,
but how would you picture a devilish act! Should you rule
out of view the evil one, offering to a victim that which he
knows will destroy him, and which he will have none of for
himself?
We have known a dealer in liquor whose father sold whisky
before him, and whose brothers and sisters went evil ways to
their untimely graves, say, in all earnestness and truth, in
33
468
WIT AND HUMOR.
2
answer to the question, Where can I get some good whisky?
"I have sold whisky since I was old enough, at wholesale and
retail, and I am not yet sunk so low as to say to any man there
is any good whisky. There is none. 'Twas never made good
enough for man to drink as a beverage."
We have known an employer who has made use of the ser-
vices of numbers of the most brilliant of the local writers of
the past decade say, "No man ever took a drink of whisky
that it did not in a degree impair his mind and aid in degrad-
ing his talents and in destroying his usefulness." He spoke
not as an advocate of temperance, but simply as a business
man, regarding the commodity (brains) which was of use to
him in his business. Such testimony can not be swept aside
by the howl of a "fanatic."
This subject is exhaustless. We have no space to give it a
hearing, but return again to our query:
Why is it that those who desire the good of the masses are
all on one side of this question? Why is it that only those
who worship "self and money" are upon the other side? Let
each man ask himself these questions, and let him answer
himself from his inner consciousness, and then act according
to the God-given light. Then the wail of the drunkard's wife,
children, parents and friends, will be a thing of the past.
Temperance in the Family.
Eli Perkins.
My Uncle Consider is a temperate man.
One day he came
to me and said he, "Eli if you drink wine, you will walk in
win-ding ways:-if you carry too much beer, the bier will
soon carry you;—if you drink brandy punches you'll get
handy punches, and if you always get the best of whisky, whisky
will always get the best of you." (Applause).
But my Uncle William was not temperate like my Uncle
Consider.
Far different!
TEMPERANCE ANECDOTES.
469
He used to drink every once or twice in a while with people
who invited him, and then he used to slide out and drink be-
tween drinks by himself. He used to drink with impunity
or with any body else who invited him. (Laughter).
But just before Uncle William died he made up his mind
that he would reform, and he did reform in the only way
he could reform. That is he gave up the use of water
entirely. (Laughter.) He said he was afraid to use it. When
they told him how much damage water had done how it had
engulfed ships, smashed lighthouses and drowned the whole.
human family in the deluge, he said he really was afraid to
take any water in his. (Laughter).
One day when I expostulated with Uncle William about
drinking so, how do you think he got out of it; "Perhaps I
ought not to drink so," he said, "but don't we read the parable
in the Bible about turning water into wine? Now that's all I
do. I just turn water into my wine- and I don't turn much
water in either." (Loud laughter).
M
M
My Uncle William used to do a great many queer strange
things when he'd been drinking too much whiskey in his water.
One day when h'd been drinking too much he insisted, against
his wife's wishes against his wife's advice (O gentlemen
you should never go against your wives' advice. Our wives
know more than we they know more than we-and they
are willing to admit it!) (loud laughter). As I was saying
one day when Uncle William had been drinking too much, he
insisted against his wife's advice in smoking on a load of hay-
coming home shortly afterwards without any eye-brows or
whiskers and the iron of his wagon in a gunny bag. (Loud
laughter).
Why, drinking made Uncle William so absent minded that,
one night he came home from the lodge, got up and washed
the face of the clock, and then got down and wound up
the
baby (laughter), and set it forward fifteen minutes.
laughter).
(Loud
470
WIT AND HUMOR.
܀
1
Ingersoll on Rum.
"I am aware there is a prejudice against any man engaged
in the liquor business. I believe from the time it issues from
the coiled and poisonous worm in the distillery, until it empties
into the hell of death, dishonor and crime; that alcohol is
demoralizing to everybody that touches it, from its source to
where it ends. I do not believe anybody can contemplate the
subject without being prejudiced against the crime. All we
have to do is to think of the wrecks on either side of the stream
of death, of the suicides, of the insanity, of the poverty, pau-
perisin and destruction coming from alcohol; of the little
children tugging at the breasts of weeping, despairing, starving
mothers begging for bread; of the men of genius it has
wrecked; of the men struggling with imaginary serpents pro-
duced by this devilish thing; and when we think of the jails
and almshouses, of the asylums, of the prisons, and of the
scaffolds on either bank, I do not wonder that every thoughtful
man is prejudiced against the vile stuff called alcohol.
"Intemperance cuts down youth in its vigor, manhood in
its strength, and age in its weakness. It breaks the father's
heart, bereaves the doting mother, extinguishes natural affec-
tion, destroys conjugal love, blots out filial attachments, blights
paternal hope, and brings premature age in sorrow and
dishonor to the grave. It produces weakness, not strength,
sickness, not health; death, not life. It makes wives widows,
children orphans, fathers fiends, and all paupers. It feeds
rheumatism, nurses gout, welcomes epidemics, invites cholera,
imports pestilence, engenders consumption, and covers the
land with idleness, misery and crime. It produces controver
sies, fosters quarrels, cherishes riots. It crowds our peniten-
tiaries and furnishes victims for the scaffold.
"Alcohol is the blood of the gambler, the inspiration of the
burglar, the stimulus of the highwayman, and the support of
the midnight incendiary. It suggests the lie and counterances
TEMPERANCE ANECDOTES.
471
the liar, condones the thief, esteems the blasphemer. It
violates obligations, reverences fraud, turns love to hate, scorns
virtue and innocence. It incites the father to butcher his
helpless offspring, and the child to sharpen the parricidal ax.
Alcohol burns up men, consumes women, destroys life,
curses God, and despises heaven. It suborns witnesses, nurses
perfidy, defiles the jury-box and stains the judicial ermine.
It bribes voters, disqualifies votes, corrupts elections, pollutes
our institutions and endangers the government. It degrades
the citizen, debases the legislator, dishonors the statesman,
and disarms the patriot. It brings shame, not honor; terror,
not safety; despair, not hope; misery, not happiness; and with
the malevolence of a fiend calmly surveys its frightful desola
tion, and reveling in havoc, it poisons felicity, destroys peace,
ruins morals, wipes out national honor, curses the world, and
laughs at the ruin it has wrought. It does that, and more-
it murders the soul. It is the sum of all villainies, the father
of all crimes, the mother of all abominations, the devil's best
friend, and God's worst enemy."
Talmadge on Temperance.
A man laughed a. my father for his scrupulous temperance
principles, and said: "I am more liberal than you. I always
give my children the sugar in the glass after we have been
taking a drink.”
If you want to know what rum does, let me sketch two houses
in this street. The first is bright as home can be. The father
comes home at nightfall and the children run out to meet him.
Luxuriant evening meal, gratulation, and sympathy, and laugh-
ter. Music in the parlor, fine pictures on the wall. Costly
books on the stand. Well-clad household. Plenty of every
thing to make home happy.
House the second: Piano sold yesterday oy the sheriff.
472
WIT AND HUMOR.
;
Wife's furs at the pawnbroker's shop. Clock gone. Daughter's
jewelry sold to get flour. Carpets gone off the floor. Daugh-
ters in faded and patched dresses. Wife sewing for the stores.
Little child with an ugly wound on her face, struck in an an-
gry blow. Deep shadow of wretchedness falling in every
room. Door-bell rings. Little children hide. Daughters
turn pale. Wife holds her breath. Blundering step in the
hall. Door opens. Fiend, brandishing his fist, cries, "Out!
out! What are you doing here?”
Did I call this house the second? No; it is the same house.
Rum transformed it. Rum embruted the man. Rum sold
the shawl. Ruin tore up the carpets. Rum shook its fist.
Rum desolated the hearth. Rum changed that paradise into
a hell.
I sketch two men that you know very well. The first grad-
uated from one of our literary institutions. His father, mother,
brothers and sisters were present to see him graduate. They
heard the applauding thunders that greeted his speech. They
saw the bouquets tossed to his feet. They saw the degree con-
ferred and the diploma given.
He never looked so well.
Everybody said, "What a noble brow!
"What a noble brow! What a fine eye?
What graceful manners? What brilliant prospects!" All the
world opens before him, and cries, "Hurrah, hurrah!"
Man the second: Lies in the station-house to-night. The
doctor has just been sent for to bind up the gashes received in
a fight. His hair is matted and makes him look like a wild
beast. His lip is bloody and cut.
Who is this battered and bruised wretch that was picked up
by the police, and carried in drunk, and foul, and bleeding?
Did I call him the second? He is man the first! Rum trans-
formed him. Rum destroyed his prospects. Run disap-
pointed parental expectation. Rum withered those garlands
of commencement day. Rum cut his lip. Rum dashed out
his manhood. RUM, accursed RUM!
TEMPERANCE ANECDOTES.
478
The Money Wasted in Drink.
Eli Perkins.
"Britons" said President Cotten, "spend annually £140,-
000,000 or $700,000,000 in drink, an average of $19 for each
Englishunan."
Germany has 11,800 breweries which turn out 846,000,000
gallons of beer.
America spends $900,000,000 annually for rum and tobacco.
The money wasted in drink in England, Germany and America
would buy all the bread and meat eaten by the three nations.
This awful burden compels twice the amount of labor in the
world. This drink burden makes two-thirds of our sickness
and three-fourths of our crime.
"Yes, but you don't have to bear this burden if you don't
drink," says the drunkard.
You are wrong, my friend; I paid $425 taxes on my New
York house last year.
What was this tax used for? It was
to govern a city where three-fourths of the arrests were made
on account of drunkenness. I can govern myself, but I have
to pay $425 a year to be protected from the criminal classes,
made criminals through rum.
John B. Gough's Burst Bubble Lecture.
LADIES AND GENTLEME : Let me ask you to look with me,
for a few moments, at the position of a man who is the slave
of a bad habit.
There he stands, a poor, desolate, forlorn creature, trem-
bling, yet defiant-a Pariah of society-an Ishmaelite, whose
hand is against every man, and every man's hand is against
him.
The Pharisees of the world gather up the skirts of their self-
righteous propriety, as they sweep superciliously by; the Sad-
ducees stare coldly and contemptuously into his face; the
Levites stop short at sight of him, cross the street and pass by
474
WIT AND HUMOR.
IN
on the other side; even the compassionate Samaritan has no
eye of pity to glance on him, no hand of succor to extend.
There he stands, repelling and repelled-his shivering form
wrapped in the shroud of his evil habit!
"He has brought
""Tis his own fault!" cries the world.
the ruin on himself! Let him die !"
God's face hidden--no mercy from man-there he stands
alone in the world-alóne? And as he shivers and cowers at
the street corner, let us bring before him a vision :-
Here, before me, stands a bright, fair-haired, beautiful boy,
with the rosy cheek, and curling lock, and ruby lip, and round
limb-the type, the picture of human health and beauty. That
is Youth-that is his past.
Another figure shall stand before him; the youth grown to
the man, intellect flashing from his eye, his brow speaking of
intellectual strength, as he claims for himself an influence over
the hearts and feelings of his fellow-men. There he stands-a
glorious being! What is that? That was his ideal.
Then gropes in a wretched thing, fetters on his limbs, his
brow seamed, sensuality seated on his swollen lip, the image
of God marred. What is that? That is his present!
He shall see yet another vision: It is a wretched, emaciated
creature; you see his heart is all on fire, the worm that never
dies has begun its fearful gnawings. What is that! That—
God help him--that is his future!
And yet, fearful as are the ravages of his fell destroyer-
terrible as is the penalty his evil habit exacts—blighting, blast-
ing, scorching, scathing, withering, wasting as it is, to every-
thing bright and noble within him-still it has not destroyed
all! One sense remains, burning brightly and fiercely among
the ruins. And oh, how he wishes it, too, could be numbed
and deadened like the rest! But no; his consciousness still
lives, and like a remorseless foe it clutches him in its grasp and
rends him again !
The curse to the man who is going down step by step
TEMPERANCE ANECDOTES.
475
is the consciousness of what is, and the remembrance of
what was!
Oh! the memory of the past!
All the bright dreams of his imagination are before him,
yonder, separated from him by a continent of grief and disap-
pointment, pain of body, and fever of spirit. Distant, clear,
but cold is the moon, that shines on his waking agony, or on
his desperate repose!
What has the man been doing who all his lifetime has been
the slave to evil habit? He has spent his life and fortune—
sold his birthright! And what has he obtained? nothing, but
the mere excitement of chasing after that which is not reality.
Talk about enjoyment in these pursuits! There is none! It
is a mere sensation-fleeting and imaginary. No man ever
received satisfaction enough in wicked pursuits to say, "Ah!
now I am happy." It has gone from him-gone!
All the enjoyments that can be obtained in this world, apart
from the enjoyments God has sanctioned, lead to destruction.
It is as if a man should start in a chase after a bubble,
attracted by its bright and gorgeous hues.
It leads him, at first, through vineyards, under trellised vines,
with grapes hanging in all their purpled glory; it leads him by
sparkling fountains, with delicious music and the singing of
birds; it leads him through orchards hanging thick with golden
fruit. He laughs and dances! It is a merry chase!
By-and-by that excitement becomes intense-that intensity
becomes a passion-that passion a disease!
Now his eye is fixed upon the bubble with fretful earnestness;
now he leaps with desperation and disappointment.
Now it leads him away from all that is bright and beautiful—
from all the tender, clustering, hallowed associations of bygone
days-up the steep, hot sides of a fearful volcano!
Now there is pain and anguish in the chase. He leaps and
falls, and rises bruised, scorched and blistered; but the excite-
ment, the power of habit, has the mastery over him; he forgets
34
476
WIT AND HUMOR.
2
¿
all that is past, and in his terrible chase he leaps again-it is
gone!
He curses, and bites his lips in agony, and shrieks almost
the wild shriek of despair. Yet still he pursues the phantom
that lures him on to destruction, and leaps again.--It is gone!
Knee-deep in the hot ashes, he staggers up with limbs torn
and bruised, the last semblance of humanity scorched out of
him. Still he struggles on, and leaps again.-It is gone!
Again-it is gone!
Yet there is his prize. Glittering mockingly before him,
there it is-he will have it!
The hot breath of the volcano is on his brow-its flame.
gleams in his eyes-his foot is on the crater's edge! Yet there
it is that horrible fascination-floating over him-he will
have it!
With one last desperate effort, he makes a sudden spring
Aha! he has got it now-yes!--but he has leapt into the fiery
chasm, and with a burst bubble in his hand, he goes before his
God and Maker!
Every man possesses an evil habit who follows and is fasci-
nated by an enjoyment God has not sanctioned. Heaven pity
such a man! He barters away jewels worth all the kingdoms
of this world, and gains for them—a burst bubble!
Ay, and when on that great day, for which all other days
were made, his awful Judge-amid the final crash of doom--
shall ask him, "What hast thou done that thou may'st inherit
eternal life?" all he can show will be-the BURST Bubble!
Commodore Rolinpin's Experience.
My wife never saw me drunk bat once, and it affected
her so I could not have the heart to repeat it.
I will never forget that evening. I was pretty tight when I
got home; but in less than fifteen minutes I was perfectly
s' ber.
薏
​TEMPERANCE ANECDOTES.
477
She had been sweeping, and was sitting in the front room
with a broom in her hand.
As I entered the house, she smelled my breatn, and it threw
her into hysterics.
The broom began playing about, and she commenced dan-
cing.
I endeavored to quiet her nerves, but it was no use.
She
was too badly frightened, and I started to leave, but somehow
or other the broomstick came in contact with my head, and
broke it the broomstick—in two.
It was a new instrument that I had made her a present of
the day we went to housekeeping, and I felt so sorry for her
that I fell down on the floor unconscious.
When I came to, the neighbors had me stretched out on a
sofa and were bathing my head with cold water.
My eyes were both black-they are naturally gray — and
terribly swollen.
But I got well, and never said
was so sorry for her I could not.
ful since not to frighten her.
The accident to the broom came near proving fatal with me.
anything to her about it. I
But I have been very care-
I never travel for health, but have made some voyages for
the purpose of enjoying sprees.
They are not healthy in our house.
Delirium Tremens.
A drunken man came out of John Morrissey's club-house in
Saratoga, and leaning up against a lamp-post commenced to
vomit. Bracing himself up, he opened his eyes and was horror-
stricken at the sight that met his swimming gaze. There stood
a dog suspiciously eying the contents.
Too drunk to compre-
hend the situation, he soliloquized to himself:
"Well (hic) I remember (hic) where I got the cheese (hic),
and I know (hic) where I got the sauerkraut (hic), but blam'me
478
WIT AND HUMOR.
3
if I know (hic) where I got that dog (hic).” Then he doubled
up and fell on the pavement. Some of his friends lifted him,
put his battered hat on, and assisted him home; and then he
remarked:
66
Gentlemen (hic), where was I? (hic.)"
"Don't you recollect?”
"No, sir (hic). The last (hic) thing I remember (hic) is, I
was holding (hic) on to a gas lamp (hic); and the (hic) lamp-
post fell down (hic)."
A Temperance Crusade Incident.
Eli Perkins.
During the famous whisky crusade which commenced in
Hillsboro', Ohio, the ladies all crowded around Charley Cro-
thers' saloon, one day, and commenced praying and singing.
Charley welcomed them, offered them chairs, and seemed de-
lighted to see them. He even joined in the singing. The
praying and singing were kept up for several days, Charley
never once losing his temper. The more they prayed and sang
the happier Charley looked. One day a gentleman came to
Charley and broke out :
66
I say, Charley, ain't you getting 'most tired of this pray-
ing and singing business?"
"If
"What! me gettin' tired? No, sir!" said Charley.
I got tired of the little singing and praying they do in my saloon
here, what the devil will I do when I go to heaven among the
angels, where they pray and sing all the time?"
Then Charley winked and took a chew of cavendish.
Nasby on Temperance.
In days past I have seen some drunkenness and the effects
thereof. I have seen the dead bodies of women murdered by
drunken husbands; I have seen the best men in America go
down to disgraceful graves; I have seen fortunes wrecked,
TEMPERANCE ANECDOTES.
479
prospects blighted, and I have pursued a great many pages of
statistics. There are crimes on the calendar not resulting from
rum, but were rum eliminated, the catalogue would be so re-
duced as to make it hardly worth the compiling. Directly or
indirectly, rum is chargeable with a good ninety per cent. of
the woes that afflict our country.
Burdett's Temperance Lecture.
My son, when you hear a man growling and scolding be
cause Moody gets $200 a week for preaching Christianity, you
will see that he never worries because Ingersoll gets $200 a
night for preaching atheism. You will observe that the man
who is unutterably shocked because Francis Murphy is paid
$150 a week for temperance work, seems to think it is all right
when a barkeeper takes in twice as much in a single day. The
laborer is worthy his hire, my boy, and he is just as worthy of
it in the pulpit as on the stump. Is the man who is honestly
trying to save your immortal soul worth less than the man who
is trying his level best to go to congress? Isn't Moody doing
as good work as Ingersoll? Isn't John B. Gough as much the
friend of humanity and society as the bartender? Do you
want to get all the good in the world for nothing, so that you
may be able pay a high price for the bad? Remember, my
boy, the good things in the world are always the cheapest.
Spring water costs less than corn whisky; a box of cigars will
buy two or three Bibles; a gallon of old brandy costs more
than a barrel of flour; a "full hand" at poker often costs a
inan more in twenty minutes than his church subscription
amounts to in three years; a state election costs more than a
revival of religion.
You can sleep in church every Sunday morning for noth-
ing, if you are mean enough to deadbeat your lodgings in
that way, but a nap in a Pullman car costs you $2 every time;
50 cents for the circus, and a penny for the little ones to put
480
WIT AND HUMOR.
into the missionary box; $1 for the theater, and a pair of old
trousers, frayed at the ends, baggy at the knees, and utterly
burst at the dome, for the Michigan sufferers; the dancing
lady gets $600 a week, and the city missionary gets $500 a
year; the horse race scoops in $2,000 the first day, and the
church fair lasts a week, works twenty-five or thirty of the best
women in America nearly to death, and comes out $40 in
debt--why, my boy, if you ever find yourself sneering and
scoffing because once in awhile you hear of a preacher getting
a living or even a luxurious salary, or a temperance worker
making money, go out into the dark and feel ashamed of
yourself, and if you don't feel above kicking a mean man, kick
yourself. Precious little does religion and charity cost the
world, my boy, and when the money it does get is flung into
its face, like a bone to a dog, the donor is not benefited by the
gift, and the receiver is not, and certainly should not be,
grateful.
•
Alf Burnett's Drunken Soliloquy.
Let's see, where am I? This is coal I'm lying on. How'd
I get here? Yes, I mind now; was coming up street; met
wheel-barrow wot was drunk, coming t'other way. That wheel-
barrow fell over me, or I fell over the wheel-barrow and one
of us fell into the cellar, don't mind now which, I guess it
must have been me. I'm a nice young man, yes I'm tight,
tore, drunk, shot! Well, I can't help it; 'taint my fault.
Wonder whose fault it is? Is it Jones's fault? No! Is it my
wife's fault? WELL IT AIN'T! Is it the wheel-barrow's fault?
No-o-o? IT'S WHISKY'S FAULT! WHISKY! who's
Whisky? Has he got a large family? Got many relations?
All poor, I reckon. I won't own him any more; cut his
acquaintance. I have had a notion of doing that for the last
ten years; always hated to, though, for fear of hurting his
feelin's. I'll do it now, for I believe liquor is injurin' me; it's
spoiling ny temper. Sometimes I gets mad and abuses Bets
TEMPERANCE ANECDOTES.
481
and the brats. I used to call 'em Lizzie and the children;
that's a good while ago, though. Then, when I cum home,
she used to put her arms around my neck and kiss me, and
call me "dear William ! "" When I cum home now she takes
her pipe out of her mouth, puts her hair out of her eyes, and
looks at me and says, "Bill, you drunken brute, shut the door
after you! We're cold enough, havin' no fire 'thout lettin'
the snow blow in that way." Yes, she's Bets and I'm Bill
now; I ain't a good bill neither; I'm counterfeit; won't pass
-(a tavern without goin' in and getting a drink.) Don't know
wot bank I'm on; last Sunday was on the river bank, at the
Corn Exchange, drunk! I stay out pretty late-sometimes
out all night, when Bets bars the doors with a bed-post; fact
is, I'm out pretty much all over-out of friends, out of pocket,
out at elbows and knees, and out-rageously dirty. So Bets
says, but she's no judge, for she's never clean herself. I
wonder she don't wear good clothes? Maybe she ain't got
any! Whose fault is that?. 'Taint mine! It may be whisky's.
Sometimes I'm in; I'm in-toxicated now, and in somebody's
coal cellar. I've got one good principle; I never runs in debt,
cause nobody won't trust me. One of my coat-tails is gone;
got tore off, I expect, when I fell down here. I'll have to get a
new suit soon. A feller told me t'other day I'd make a sign
for a paper-mill. If he hadn't been so big I'd licked him. I've
had this shirt on nine days. I'd take it off, but I'm 'fraid
I'd tear it. Guess I tore the window-shutter on my pants
t'other night, when I sot on the wax in Ben Sniff's shoe-shop.
I'll have to get it mended up or I'll catch cold. I ain't very
stout neither, though I'm full in the face, as the boys say.
"I'm fat as a match, and healthy as the small pox." My hat
is standin' guard for a window pane that went out the other
day at the invitation of a brick-bat. It's getting cold down
here; wonder how I'll get out? I ain't able to climb. If I
had a drink, think I could do it. Let's see, I ain't got three
cents: wish I was in a tavern, I could sponge it then. When
6
482
WIT AND HUMOR.
3
anybody treats, and says, "Come, fellows!" I always think my
name is fellows, and I've too good manners to refuse. I must
leave this place, or I'll be arrested for burglary, and I ain't
come to that yet! Anyhow it was the wheel-barrow did the
harm, not me!
Burdette on the Swiller.
"Fact is," said Mr. Swiller, sitting down at the round table
with his friend, "Fact is-two beers. Tony! there's just as
much intemperance in eating as there is in drinking, and that's
what puts me by George, that's refreshing, isn't it? Cold as
ice. Fill 'em up again, Tony-out of patience with these total-
abstinence fanatics. A man can be temperate in his eating
and he can be intemperate in his drinking, and I go-light a
cigar?-in for temperance in all things. Now I like to thank
you, yes, I believe I will repeat-sit down with a friend and
enjoy a glass of beer in a quiet way, just as we do now. Its
cool, refreshing, mildly stimulant-have another with me-
and does me good. I know when I have enough and—once
more, Tony-when I have enough I know enough to quit.
Now, do I look-hello, there's Johnson; sit down here with
us, Johnson; three beers, Tony--I was just asking Blotter,
here, if I looked like a victim of dyspepsia? I don't drink much
water this weather; I believe its the worst-this time with ine,
fellows-thing a man can put into his system such weather as
this. I believe beer is the best thing for any man, and I know
it's the best thing for me. But I don't hurry, have another
before you go; here, Tony !--don't gorge myself with it. I
don't sit around and get full every time I take a drink. I like
to-three more, Tony-sit down quietly with a friend and en-
joy a glass of beer and a bite of lunch, but I don't like to gorge
myself. I don't eat myself into a-fill these up again-dys-
pepsia, either, and then claim to be a temperate man. Ten-
perance in all things is my mozzer-mozzer-motto. Thatsh me!
Now, I don-donk-donkall, I donkall myshelf a drinking man
ช
TEMPERANCE ANECDOTES,
482
-once more wiz me fellows-I like to sit down quieshly wish
a few frens and 'joy glash beer-just becaush dosh me good;
good. But I donteat myshelf to death-oncsh more all 'rown'
-like thesh temperals falatics-oncsh in awhile I like glash
of beer--jush in quiet way onsch in while, but you don' see-
you don' see me gettin' full ev'ry time-" (Talks temperance
in all things and undue indulgence in nothing over twelve
more glasses, and succumbs to sweet repose).
Conscientious Objections.
"I have a conscientious objection to teetotalism,” said a man
to John B. Gough.
"And what is your conscientious objection?" asked Mr.
Gough.
"It is because teetotalism is not taught in the Bible. Noah
got drunk, and our Savior made wine at the marriage of Cana
in Galilee."
"I know he did."
66
"He made it because they wanted it."
"So the Bible tells us."
"He made it of water," continued the man.
"Yes."
"Well, he performed a miracle to make that wine.”
"Yes."
"Then he honored and sanctified wine by performing a
miracle to make it. Therefore," said he, "I feel that, if I
should give up the use of wine, I should be guilty of ingratitude
and should be reproaching my Master."
(6
"Sir," said I, "I can understand how you should feel so :
but is there nothing else you put by, which our Savior has
honored?"
"No, I don't know that there is."
"Do you eat barley bread?"
"No," and then he laughed.
184
WIT AND HUMOR.
"And why?”
"Because I don't like it."
66
Very well, sir," said I. Our Savior sanctified barley bread
just as much as he ever did wine. He fed five thousand people
on barley loaves by a miracle. You put away barley bread
from the low motive of not liking it. I ask you to put away
wine from the higher motive of bearing the infirmity of your
weaker brother, and so fulfilling the law of Christ.”
Bargaining With a Pump.
Some thirty years ago, an intemperate man was reformed by
being refused one cherry. Penniless, he went to the public-
house one morning, where he had squandered many a shilling,
to get a drink "on tick." The landlady refused to trust him.
Seeing a plate of luscious ripe cherries on the bar, he asked for
"Save your money and buy your own cherries,"
was her surly reply. "I will," he said, and he did. His
wounded pride forced him to reflect; reflection ensured amend-
From that morning he was reformed.
but one.
ment.
The following story tells of a flannel-weaver who also was
induced by a surly answer to reflect and then to make a good
bargain with a pump.
This man had saved a guinea for the purpose of having a
whole week's dissipation. He began on Monday, spending
three shillings per day for seven days; on the morning of the
eighth day he was burning with thirst, but his money was
gone.
He went to the back door of the place where he had spent
his guinea, to beg a pint on trust.
Judy, the landlady, was mopping the passage; he stood
looking at Judy, with his cracked lips, parched tongue and
bloodshot eyes, expecting her to ask him to take a drop; but
she did not, and he requested her to trust him for only one
pint.
TEMPERANCE ANECDOTES.
485
gagg
With an indignant look of scorn and contempt she replied,
"Trust thee thou dirty, idle vagabond! Set a step in this
house, and I will dash this mop in thy face!
"
The poor wretch hung down his head in shame. Ile was
leaning against a pump; and after a little study began to talk
to the pump,-
"Well, Pump," he said, "I have not spent a guinea with
thee, Pump; wilt thou trust me a drop?"
He lifted up the handle, put his burning mouth to the spout,
and drank his fill; this done, he again said to the pump,
"Thank thee, Pump; and now, hear me, Pump. I will not
enter a public-house again for the next seven years
Pump, thou art a witness."
and,
The bargain was kept, and this man afterwards became a
respectable manufacturer, and often said it was a grand thing
for him that Judy threatened to dash the mop in his face.

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“It'll be a long time before ye sees yer father-in-law." (See page 487.)
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IRISH WIT,
Bulls, Blunders and Smart Sayings.
"How is the pig, Pat?”
"Faith an' he's a great glutton."
"How is that?"
f
"Be Jabbers he drank two pails full of milk, and when I put
the little rascal in the pail he didn't half fill it.”
America a large Country.
"How do you like America, Mr. Flannigan?" was asked or
an Irishman who had returned to Cork.
"Ameriky, does ye say?"
"Yes. Is it a large country?"
"Indade it is now. Ameriky is a mighty sizable place. Ye
might roll England through it, an' it would hardly make a dint
in the ground. There's a fresh water ocean inside of it that ye
might drown Ireland in, an' save Father Mathew a wonderful
soight of trouble. An', as for Scotland, ye might stick it in a
corner of their forests, an' ye'd never be able to find it, except,
it might be, by the smell of the whisky."
Pat in a Quaker Meeting.
Pat was attending a Quaker meeting when a Quaker preacher
read from the Psalms of David-
"I have married a wife
"The devil, ye have!" interruped Pat.
After the sexton had quieted Pat the clergyman commenced
again—
"2
ĭ
486
IRISH WIT.
487
"I have married a wife. I have married a daughter of the
Lord, and
"Arra do ye hear that now? Oh the spalpeen!" exclaimed
Pat. "Begorra, if ye have married a daughter of the Lord it
will be a long time before ye sees yer father-in-law."
X X
-X-
"Why don't you go home?" asked a policeman of a drunken
Irishman on Washington square.
"Ah, now, be aisy; I live in the square; isn't it going
round and round, and when I see my own door come up, won't
pop into it in a jiffy."
I
X X
*
"Biddy," said Mulligan to his wife, "its a bad cowld you
have. A drop of the craythur would do you no harrum.”
"Oh, honey,” replied Biddy, "I've taken the pledge; but
you can mix me a drink and force me to swally it!"
* *
X
"Rooney, why do you allow the pig to sleep in the same
room with you and your wife?" asked a traveler of an Irish
peasant.
"An' why not, mon? Doesn't the room afford every con-
venience that a pig can require?"
He Had the Laugh First.
"What a foine thing it would be to take that bull by the
horns and rub his nose in the dirt," said Pat, laughing, as he
pointed to an enraged bull.
"It would be a foine joke on the bull,” said his friend, while
they both laughed.
66
'Begorry, I'll do that same thing!"
When Pat picked himself out of a briar bed, all tattered and
torn, he held his handkerchief over his bleeding nose and
gasped :
66
'Well, it is a moighty foine thing I had my laugh foorst."
WIT AND HUMOR,
A gentleman, traveling in Kansas some years ago, turned
in at a country tavern for dinner. The room was garnished
with a dirty wash-basin, a piece of soap the size of a lozenge,
and a square yard of crash, dimly visible through epidermic
deposits. Having slightly washed, the traveler eved the rag
doubtfully, and then asked the proprietor :
"Haven't you, sir, about the premises, a this year's towel?"
The Dream Story.
An Irishman and a Scotchman were lost on the prairie.
When half starved they killed a single quail. The quail was
not enough for two meals, so they decided to keep it till the next
morning, and the one having the most pleasant dream was to
have it.
"An' what did ye dream?" asked Pat the next morning.
"O! I dreamed a beautiful dream," said the Scotchman. "I
dreamed that angels were drawing me up to heaven in a basket,
and I was never before so happy."
Upon the Scotchman concluding his dream, Pat exclaimed:
"Och, sure and be jabers, I saw ye going, and thought ye
wouldn't come back, so I got up and ate the quail myself.”
**
*
66
Pat, what's the reason they didn't put a hin up there
instead of a rooster?" asked one Irishman of another, pointing
to the weather vane on a barn.
"An' sure," replied Pat, "that's aisy enough; don't you see,
it would be inconvanient to go for the eggs.
""
* *
*
"How comes it that these boots are not of the same
length?' was asked of the Irish hotel porter.
"I ray don't know, sir; but what bothers me the most is
that the pair down stairs are in the same fix."
489
IRISH WIT.
こ
​James S. Burdette's Irishman's Panorama.
Ladies an' gintlemin: In the foreground over there ye's
'll obsarve Vinegar Hill, an' should yer be goin' by that way
some day, yer moight be fatigued, an' if ye are yer'll foind at
the fut of the hill a nate little cot kept by a man named
McCarty, who, by the way, is as foine a lad as you'll mate in
a day's march. I see by the hasp on the door that McCarty
is out, or I'd take ye's in an' introduce ye's. A foine, giner-
ous, noble feller is this McCarty. Shure an' if he had but
the wan peratie he'd give ye's the half of that, and phat's
more, he'd thank ye for takin' it. (James, move the crank!
Larry, music on the bag-pipes)!
Ladies an' gintlemin: We've now arrived at a beautiful spot,
situated about twenty miles this side o' Limerick. To the left
over there yer'll see a hut, by the side of which is s'ated
a lady and gintleman; well, as I was goin' that way wan day,
I heard the following conversation betwixt him an' her. She
says to him: "James, it's a shame for yer to be tr'atin' me
so; d'ye moind the toime yer used to come to me father's
castle a-beggin'?" "Yer father's castle-me? Well, thin!
ye could sthand on the outside of yer father's castle, an' stick
yer arm down the chimney and pick praties out of the pot an'
divil a partition betwixt you and the pigs but sthraw." (Move
the crank, etc.).
Ladies an' gintlemin: We have now arrived at the beauti-
ful and classical Lakes of Killarney. There's a curious legend
connected wid dese lakes that I must relate to you. It is that
every evenin' at four o'clock in the afternoon a beautiful swan
is seen to make its appearance, an' while movin' transcend-
entally and glidelessly along, ducks its head, skips under the
water, an' you'll not see him till the next afternoon. (Turn
the crank, etc.).
Ladies an' gintlemin: We have now arrived at another
beautiful spot, situated about thirteen and a half miles this
WIT AND HUMOR.
490
""
side of Cork. This is a grate place, noted for sportsmin.
Wanst, while sthoppin' over there at the Hotel de Finney, the
following tilt of a conversation occurred betwixt Mr. Muldoo-
ney, the waiter, and mesilf. I says to him, says I, "Mully,
old boy, will you have the kindness to fetch me the mustard ?
And he was a long time bringin' it, so I opportuned him for
kapin me. An' says he to me, says he, "Mr. McCune "
(that's me), "I notice that you take a great dale of mustard
wid your mate." "I do, says I. Says he, "I notice you
take a blame sight of mate wid your mustard." (Move the
crank, etc.).
Ladies an' gintlemin: We now skhip acrost the broad At
lantic to a wonderful shpot in America, situated a few miles
from Chinchinnatti, Ohoho, called the falls of Niagara. While
lingerin' wan day I saw a young couple evidently very sweet
on aich other. Av course I took no notice of phat they were
sayin', but I couldn't help listenin' to the followin' extraordi-
nary conversation. Says he to her, "Isn't it wonderful to see
that tremindous amount of water comin' down over that ter-
rible precipice?" "Yis, darlint," says she, "but wouldn't it
be far more wonderful to see the same tremindous body of
water a-goin' up that same precipice?" (Move the crank, etc.).
Will Carlton's Lightning Rod Agent.
If the weary world is willing, I've a little word to say,
Of a lightning-rod dispenser that dropped down on me one
day,
With a poem in his motions, with a sermon in his mien,
With hands as white as lilies, and a face uncommon clean.
No wrinkle had his vestments, and his linen glistened white,
And his new-constructed necktie was an interesting sight;
Which I almost wish his razor had made red that white
skinned throat,
491
IRISH WIT.
And the new-constructed necktie had composed the hang
man's knot,
Ere he brought his sleek-trimmed carcass for my women
folks to see,
And his rip-saw tongue a-buzzin' for to gouge a gash in me.
But I couldn't help but like him as I always think I must
The gold of my own doctrines in a fellow-heap of dust;
Categ
When I fired my own opinions at this person round by round,
They drew an answering volley of a very similar sound.
I touched him on religion, and the hopes my heart had known;
He said he'd had experiences quite similar of his own.
I told him of the doubtin's that made dark my early years;
He had laid awake till morning with that same old breed of
fears.
I told him of the rough path I hoped to heaven to go;
He was on that very ladder, only just a round below.
I told him of my visions of the sinfulness of gain ;
He had seen the self-same picters, though not quite so clear
and plain.
Our politics was different, and at first he galled and winced;
But I arg'ed him so able, he was very soon convinced.
And 'twas getting toward the middle of a hungry summer day;
There was dinner on the table, and I asked him would he
stay?
And he sat him down among us, everlasting trim and neat,
And asked a short, crisp blessing almost good enough to eat;
Then he fired up on the mercies of our Great Eternal Friend,
And gave the Lord Almighty a good first-class recommend ;
And for full an hour we listened to the sugar-coated scamp,
Talking like a blessed angel, eating like a blasted tramp.
My wife, she liked the stranger, smiling on him soft and
sweet;
It always flatters women when their guests are on the eat.)
WIT AND HUMOR.
49%
And he hinted that some ladies never lose their early charms,
And kissed her latest baby, and received it in his arms.
My sons and daughters liked him, for he had progressive
views,
And chewed the quid of fancy, and gave down the latest news.
And I couldn't help but like him, as I fear I always must
The gold of my own doctrines, in a fellow-heap of dust.
He was spreading desolation through a piece of apple-pie,
When he paused and looked upon us with a tear in his off eye,
And said, "Oh, happy family! your blessings make me sad;
You call to mind the dear ones that in happier days I had :
A wife as sweet as this one; a babe as bright and fair;
A little girl with ringlets, like that one over there.
I worshipped them too blindly! my eyes with love were dim!
God took them to His own heart, and now I worship Him.
But had I not neglected the means within my way,
Then they might still be living, and loving me to-day.
"One night there came a tempest; the thunder-peals were
dire;
The clouds that tramped above us were shooting bolts of fire;
In my own house, I lying, was thinking, to my blame,
How little I had guarded against those shafts of flame,
When, crash! through roof and ceiling the deadly lightning
cleft,
And killed my wife and children, and only I was left.
"Since that dread time I've wandered, and naught for life have
cared,
Save to save others' loved ones, whose lives have yet been
spared;
Since then it is my mission, where'er by sorrow tossed,
To sell to virtuous people good lightning-rods, at cost.
With sure and strong protection I'll clothe your buildings o'er,
"Twill cost you fifty dollars, (perhaps a trifle more);
493
IRISH WIT.
What little else it comes to, at lowest price I'll put,
You signing this agreement to pay so much per foot.")
I signed it, while my family all approving stood about,
And dropped a tear upon it, (but it didn't blot it out!)
That very day with wagons came some men, both great and
small;
They climbed upon my buildings just as if they owned 'em all;
They hacked 'em, and they hewed 'em, much against my loud
desires;
They trimmed 'em up with gewgaws, and they bound 'em
down with wires;
They trimmed 'em and they wired 'em, and they trimmed and
wired 'em still,
And every precious minute kept a-running up the bill.
My soft-spoke guest a-seeking, did I rave, and rush, and run;
He was supping with a neighbor, just a three-mile further on.
"Do you think," I fiercely shouted, "that I want a mile o'
wire
To save each separate hay-cock out o' heaven's consumin' fire?
Do you think to keep my buildin's safe from some uncertain
harm
I'm goin' to deed you over all the balance of my farm?"
He looked up quite astonished, with a face devoid of guile,
And he pointed to the contract with a reassuring smile;
With mild and sad demeanor he listened to my plea,
But he held me to that paper with a firmness sad to see;
And for that thunder-story, ere the rascal finally went,
I paid two hundred dollars, if I paid a single cent.
And if any lightnin'-rodder wants a dinner dialogue
With the restaurant departments of an enterprising dog,
Let him set his mill a-runnin' just inside my outside gate,
And I'll bet two hundred dollars that he won't have long to
wait.
WIT AND HUMOR.
494
Frazing the Baste.
An Irishman, being annoyed by a howling dog in the night,
jumped out of bed in his night shirt and run out into the snow
after him. He caught the dog by the tail and held him on the
snow.
"Holy Mother! Pat," said his wife, "what would ye be
afther doin'?”
"Hush, darlint," he said. "Don't ye see? I'm tryin' to
fraze the baste !"
* *
*
"Whose funeral is that?" was asked of an Irishman.
"Be gorrah, sir," said Pat with a most innocent look, "it's
myself that can not say for sartain, but I'm after thinkin', it's
the man's in the coffin."
?
Mosquito with a Lantern,
Two Irishmen had been fighting the mosquitoes in a New
York tenement house. About two o'clock they finally got to
sleep. While in a half-doze a lightning-bug came flying into
the room.
"Jamie, Jamie, it's no use," exclaimed Pat.
of the creature sarchin' for us wid a lantern !"
No Sixpences in Ireland.
An Irishman asked a Long Island woman the price of a pair
of fowls.
"A dollar,” was the reply.
"And a dollar it is, my darlint? Why, in my country you
might buy them for sixpence apiece.
"And why didn't you stay in that blessed cheap country?"
"Och, faith, and there was no sixpence there, to be sure !"
99
"Here's one
!
495
IRISH WIT.
A Negative Testimony.
"And it is upon the oaths of them two witnesses yer honor
is going to condimn me for theft?" asked Pat.
((
Certainly," said the judge, "their testimony was ample to
convince the jury of your guilt. Two witnesses saw you take
the things."
"Oh, murther?" exclaimed Pat, "to condimn me on the
oaths of two spalpeens who swear they saw me take the goods,
whin I can bring forth a hundred who will swear they didn't
gee me do it."
Sunset Gun.
"What's that?" asked Pat, as they fired off the sunset gun
at Fort Hamilton.
Why, that's sunset.”
"Sunset!" Pat exclaimed, with distended eyes, sunset
Howly Moses! and does the sun go down in this country with
sich a clap as that?
Daniel O'Connell, the great Irish patriot, once met a con-
ceited literary friend, and exclaimed: "I saw a capital thing
in your last pamphlet."
"Did you?” eagerly replied his delighted listener; "what
was it?"
"A pound of butter.'
66
""
P
Hard Work to Count Them.
"How many were there at the party, O'Flaherty?"
"How many would ye be after knowin'? Well there was
the two Crogans were one, myself was two, Mike Finn was
three, and-and-who was four? Let me see" (counting on
his fingers). "The two Crogans was one, Mike Finn was two,
myself was three, and bedad! there was four us, but I couldn't
WIT AND HUMOR.
496
tell the name of the other. Now, it's meself that has it. Mike
Finn was one, the two Crogans was two, myself was three-
and-by my soul, I think there was but three of us after all.”
* *
*
66
'Buy a trunk, Pat," said a dealer.
"And what for should I buy a trunk?" rejoined Pat.
"To put your clothes in," was the reply.
"And go naked?" exclaimed Pat; "not a bit iv it!"
Twinty Moils Apiece.
Two Irishmen were once walking toward New York, when
they met a man and asked him how much farther they had got
to travel, and were told that it was yet twenty miles to the
great city.
"Faith, we'll not reach it the night," said one of them, evi-
dently much dejected.
"Och, Fat, come on. Twinty moils! Shure thr's not
much; only tin moils apiece. Come on.
,,
A gentleman going up Sixth avenue, New York, met a
laborer to whom he said: "Will you tell me if I am half way
to Central Park?"
“Faith, an' I will," was the reply, "if you tell me where
you started from."
""
* *
"What are you writing such a big hand for, Pat?"
"Why, you see that my grandmother is dafe, and I am
writing a loud letter to her.”
* *
*
An Irish post-boy, having driven a gentleman a long stage
during torrents of rain, was asked if he was not very wet?"
"Arrah! I wouldn't care about being so very wet, if I wasn't
so very dry, your honor."
107
IRISH WIT.
8
An Irishman's Wit.
An Irishman, a Scotchman, and an Englishman were found
guilty of murder and sentenced to be hung.
"Now," said the Judge, "how would you like to be hung?"
"I will be hung to an ash tree," said the Englishman.
"And I will choose an oak," said the Scotchman.
“Well, Pat, what will you hang on?" asked the judge.
"If it plaze your honor, I'd rather be hung on a gooseberry
bush."
66
"Oh," said the judge, "that's not big enough.
"Begorry thin,” replied Pat, brightening up, "I'll wait till
it grows.
* *
*
35
How much for the broad-faced chicken on the fence?"
inquired an Irishman of a farmer.
"That's not a chicken-it's an owl," replied the farmer.
"I don't care how ould he is; I would like to buy him,”
said the Irishman.
""
* *
*
A German looked up at the sky and remarked:
"I guess a leedle it vill rain somedime pooty queek.
"Yees do, eh?" replied an Irishman: "What business
have yees to purtend to know about Ameriken weather, ye
furrin galoot!"
29
·
The Virgin Forest.
An Irish member of Parliament had been describing his
travels in the far west and the "virgin forests" there.
"What is a virgin forest?" asked an auditor.
"Phwat is a vairgin forest is it ye want to know! A vairgin
forest, sorr, is one phwere the hand o' man has niver set fut,
bedad !"
WIT AND HUMOR
498
*
An Irishman, who lived in an attic, being asked what part
of the house he occupied, answered: "If the house was turned
topsy turvy, I'd be livin' on the first flure.'
,,
The Irishman in Court.
Pat O'Connor was arrested and brought before a New York
judge upon the charge of assault and battery. He listened
very attentively while the indictment was being read, and when
that was ended, was asked if he demanded a trial.
Pat, pucting his hand to his ear, and leaning forward in utter
ignorance of what had been asked him, said:
"What's that?"
The question was repeated, and his reply was: "The divil
of a thrial I want. Ye needn't give yourself the throuble of
thryin' me; you may as well save the expense of that and
put me down innocent. Contint am I to lave this wid my
blessin' on ye; indade, I'm anxious, for me boss is waitin
for me beyant. Oh, no, no! the divil a thrial want at all,
at all!"
Γ
When the laughter in the court-room subsided, the question
was changed, and the prisoner was asked :
""
"Are you guilty or not guilty?
"What's that?" he said, leaning forward again with his
hand to his ear, as if he hadn't heard the question.
"Are you guilty or not guilty?" said the judge.
66
Arrah, now, your honor, how the divil can I tell till I hear
the evidence?"
As Innocent as a Suckin' Babe.
An Irishman being recently on trial for some offense, pleaded
"not guilty;" and, the jury being in the box, the state's
solicitor proceeded to call Mr. Furkisson as a witness. With
the utmost innocence, Patrick turned his face to the court, and
said:
499
IRISH WIT.
"Do I understand yer honor that Mr. Furkisson is to be a
witness forenenst me again?"
"It seems so," said the judge.
"Well thin, yer honor, I plade guilty, sure, and yer honor
plaze, not because I am guilty, for I'm as innocent as yer
honor's suckin' babe at the brist, but jist on the account of
saving Misther Furkisson's soul.”
* *
*
Not long ago, in the court of appeals, an Irish lawyer, while
arguing with earnestness his cause, stated a point which the
court ruled out.
"Well," said the attorney, "if it plaze the coort, if I am
wrong in this, I have another point that is aqually as conclu-
sive."
An Irishman's Plea.
"Are you guilty or not guilty?" asked the clerk of the
criminal court, to an Irish prisoner.
"An' sure," said Pat, "what are yees there for, but to foind
that out?
**
*
"Never fear,
Biddy (to Pat, in charge about a difficulty).
Pat! Shure y'ave got an upright jidge to thry ye ! ""
Pat. "Ah, Biddy, darlin', the divil an upright jidge I want!
'Tis wan that'll lane a little !"
A "Waking Bull."
Patrick.—“Dennis, did you hear the thunder in the night?”
Dennis.-"No, Pat; did it really thunder?"
Patrick."Yes; it thundered as if hiven and earth would
come together."
Dennis."Why the deuce, then, didn't ye wake me, for ye
know I can't slape when it thunders!"
WIT AND HUMOR.
500
“Ah, Pat, I'm afraid you'll find the road you've going is
rather a longer one than you think," said a gentleman to an
Irishman who was staggering home from a circus.
'Sure, your honor," he replied, "it's not the length of the
road I care about, it's the breadth of it that is destroying me.
He Was Not Bigoted.
"Come and have a dhrink, boys."
Pat came up and took a drink of whisky.
"How is this Pat?" asked a bystander. How can you
drink whisky? Sure it was only yestherday ye towld me ye
was a taytotler."
* *
*
ور
"Well," said Pat, evidently somewhat disconcerted, "you're
right, Mister Kelly—it's quite right ye are -I am a taytotler,
it's thrue, but I-I-I'm not a bigoted one!"
"Mike how's your wife?"
"O, she's dead, thank your honor. How's your own?"
**
*
Jimmy. "I was up at the menagerie yisterday afther
noon."
“I was there too," responded Mike.
"By me soul," said Jimmy, scratching his head, “I was
lookin' for ye; which cage were you in ?”
The Irish Philosopher.
Ladies and Gintlemen: I see so many foine lookin' people
sittin' before me, that if you'll excuse me I'll be afther takin'
seat meself. You don't know me, I'm thinking, as some of yees
'ud be noddin' to me afore this. I'm a walkin' pedestrian, a
travelling philosopher. Terry O'Mulligan's me name. I'm
from Dublin, where many philosophers before me was raised
and bred. Oh, philosophy is a foine study! I don't know

Illini's
"Which cage were you in?" (See page 500.)
IRISH WIT.
501
(6
anything about it, but its a foine study! Before I kim over I
attended an important meetin' of philosophers in Dublin, and
the discussin' and talkin' you'd hear there about the world 'ud
warm the very heart of Socrates or Aristotle himself. Well,
there was a great many imminent and learned min there at the
meetin', and I was there too, and while we was in the very
thickest of a heated argument, one comes to me and says he,
"Do you know what we're talkin' about?" "I do,”
"I do," says I,
"but I don't understand yees." "Could ye explain the sun's
motion around the earth?" says he. "I could," says I, "but
I'd not know could you understand or not." Well," says he,
"we'll see," says he. Sur'n I didn't know anything how to
get out of it then, so I piled in, "for," says I to myself, "never
let on to any one that you don't know anything, but make them
believe that you do know all about it." So says I to him,
takin' up me shillalah this way (holding a very crooked stick
perpendicular), "We'll take that for the straight line of the
earth's equator”-how's that for gehography? (to the audience).
Ah, that was straight till the other day I bent it in an argument.
"Very good," says he. "Well," says I, "now the sun rises
in the east" (placing the disengaged hand at the eastern end of
of the stick). Well, he couldn't deny that. "And when he
gets up he
Darts his rosy beams-Through the mornin' gleams."
Do you moind the poetry there? (to the audience with a
smile)."And he keeps on risin' and risin' till he reaches his
meriden." "What's that?" says he, "His dinner-toime," says
I; "sure'n that's my Latin for dinner-toime, and when he gets
his dinner
He sinks to rest—Behind the glorious hills of the west.”
me.
Oh, begorra, there's more poetry! I fail it creepin' out all over
"There," says I, well satisfied with myself; "will that
do for ye?" "You havn't got done with him yet," says he.
"Done with him," says I, kinder mad like; "what more do
502
WIT AND HUMOR.
you want me to do with him? Didn't I bring him from the
east to the west? What more do you want?" "Oh," says he,
"you'll have to bring him back again to the east to rise next
mornin'." By Saint Patrick! and wasn't I near betraying me
ignorance. Sure'n I thought there was a large family of suns,
and they rise one after the other. But I gathered meself quick,
and, says I to him, "well," says I, "I'm surprised you axed
me that simple question. I thought any man 'ud know," says
I, "when the sun sinks to rest in the west-when the sun
I. "You said that before," says he. "Well I want to
says I.
press it stronger upon you," says I. "When the sun sinks to
rest in the east-no-west, why he-why he waits till it grows
dark, and then he goes back in the noight toime!”
""
Miss Malony on The Chinese Question.
The following is a fine instance of Irish dialect:
Och ! don't be talkin'. Is it howld on, ye say? An' didn't
I howld on till the heart of me was clane broke intirely, and me
wastin' that thin you could clutch me wid yer two hands! To
think o' me toilin' like a nager for the six year I've been in
Ameriky bad luck to the day I iver left the owld counthry,
to be bate by the likes o' them! (faix an' I'll sit down when I'm
ready, so I will, Ann Ryan, an' ye'd better be listnin' than
drawin' your remarks), an' it's mysel', with five good characters
from respectable places, would be herdin' wid the haythens?
The saints forgive me, but I'd be buried alive soon'n put up
wid it a day longer. Sure an' I was a granehorn not to be
lavin' at onct when the missus kim into me kitchen wid her
perlaver about the new waiterman which was brought out from
Californy. "He'll be here the night," says she, "and, Kitty,
it's meself looks to you to be kind and patient wid him, for he's
a furriner," says she, a kind o' looking off. "Sure an' it's little
I'll hinder nor interfare wid l...m nor any other, mum," says I,
a kind o' stiff, for I minded me how these French waiters, wid
A
IRISH WIT.
503
their paper collars and brass rings on their fingers, isn't company
for no gurril brought up dacint and honest. Och! sorra a
bit I knew what was comin' till the missus walked into me
kitchen smilin', and says, kind o' sheared:
"Here's Fing Wing, Kitty, an' you'll have too much sinse
to mind his bein' a little strange." Wid that she shoots the
doore; and I, misthrusting if I was tidied up sufficient for me
fine buy wid his paper collar, looks up and-holy fathers! may
I niver brathe another breath, but there stud a rale haythin
Chineser a-grinnin' like he'd just come off a tay-box. If you'll
belave me, the crayture was that yeller it 'ud sicken you to see
him; and sorra stitch was on him but a black night-gown over
his trowsers and the front of his head shaved claner ner a cop-
per biler, and a black tail a-hanging' down from behind, wid
his two feet stook into the heathenest shoes you ever set eyes
on. Och! but I was upstairs afore you could turn about,
a-givin' the missus warning'; an' only stopt wid her by her
raisin' me wages two dollars, and playdin' wid me how it was
a Christian's duty to bear wid haythins and taitch 'em all in
our power-the saints save us! Well, the ways and trials I
had wid that Chineser, Ann Ryan, I couldn't be tellin'. Not
a blessed thing cud I do but he'd be lookin' on wid his eyes
cocked up'ard like two poomp-handles, an' he widdout a speck
or a smitch o' whiskers on him, and his finger-nails full a yard
long. But it's dying you'd be to see the missus a-larnin' him, and
he grinnin' an' waggin' his pig-tail (which was pieced out long
wid some black stoof, the haythen chate !) and gettin' into her
wayɛ wonderful quick, I don't deny, imitatin' that sharp you'd
be surprised, and ketchin' and copyin' things the best of us
will do a-hurried wid work, yet don't want comin' to the knowl
edge of the family--bad luck to him!
Is it ate wid him? Arrah, an' would I be sittin' wid a hay-
then and he a-atin' wid drumsticks-yes, an' atin' dogs an' cats
unknownst to me, I warrant you, which is the custom of them
Chinesers, till the thought made me that sick I could die. An'
36
504
WIT AND HUMOR.
*
didn't the crayter proffer to help me a wake ago come Toosday
an' me a foldin' down me clane clothes for the ironin', an'
fill his haythen mouth wid water, an' afore I could hinder
squrrit it through his teeth stret over the best lineu table-
cloth, and fold it up tight as innercent now as a baby, the dirty
baste! But the worrest of all was the copyin' he'd be doin'
till ye'd be dishtracted. It's yerself knows the tinder feet that's
on me since ever I've bin in this country. Well, owin' to that,
I fell into the way o' slippin' me shoes off when I'd be settin'
down to pale the praties or the likes o' that, and, do ye mind,
that haythen would do the same thing after me whiniver the
missus set him parin' apples or tomaterses. The saints in
heaven couldn't have made him belave he could kape the shoes
on him when he'd be payling anything.
Did I lave fur that? Faix an' didn't he get me into trouble
wid my missus, the haythin! You're aware yerself how the
boondles comin' in from the grocery often contains more'n 'll
go into anything dacently. So, for that matter, I'd now and
then take out a sup o' sugar, or flour, or tay, an' wrap it in
paper and put it in me bit of a box tucked under the ironin
blankit the how it cuddent be bodderin' any one. Well, what
should it be, but this blessed Sathurday morn the missus was
a spakin' pleasant and respec'ful wid me in me kitchen when
the grocer boy comes in an' stands fornenst her wid his boon-
dles, an' she motions like to Fing Wing (which I never would
call him by that name nor any other but just haythin), she
motions to him, she does, for to take the boondles an' empty
out the sugar an' what not where they belongs. If you'll
belave me, Ann Ryan, what did that blatherin' Chineser do
but take out a sup' o' sugar, an' a handful o' tay, an' a bit o'
chaze, right afore the missus, wrap them into bits o' paper, an'
I spacheless wid shurprise, an' he the next minute up wid the
ironin' blankit and pullin' out me box a show o'bein' sly to
put them in. Och! the Lord forgive me, but I clutched it,
and the missus sayin', "O Kitty!" in a way that 'ud curdle
IRISH WIT.
505
your blood.
"He's a haythin nager," says I, "I've found
"I'll arrist him," says I. "It's you
you out," says she.
ought to be arristed," says she.
"You won't," ways I. "I
will," says she; and so it went till she gave me such sass as I
cuddent take from no lady, an' I give her warnin' an' left that
instant, an' she a-pointin' to the doore.
MARY M. DODGE.
NEGRO WIT.
4
Anecdotes-Dialect and Fun.
"I take my tex dis morning," said a colored preacher, "fre.n
dat po'tion ob de Scriptures whar de Postol Paul pints his
pistol to the Fessions."
Boilin' Eggs by de Watch.
"Look here, Sambo," said the hotelkeeper, "these eggs
are boiled too hard. Now, take my watch, and boil them three
minutes by it."
He gave the negro his splendid gold watch. In about five
minutes the freedman returned with the eggs and watch on the
same plate. The watch was wet.
"What have you been doing to my watch?" asked the
hotelkeeper. "Why it's all wet!"
"Yes, sah," said the negro. "I biled de eggs by de watch.
All right dis time, sah!"
Eli Perkins on the Richmond Darkey.
Richmond consists of 500 good houses, 17,000 negro huts
and 400 tobacco factories. A Richmond man showed me the
town. I didn't get tired looking at the 500 good houses, but
the 400 tobacco factories wore me all out. At last, when I came
to a large building, I would say:
"Another tobacco factory, sir?"
"Yes, this is a plug factory."
"Never mind," I said, "drive on; let the plug go.
99
506
NEGRO WIT.
507
Further on we came to a very large building and a very
ancient building.
"Is that a tobacco factory, too?" I asked a darkey.
"No, sah; dat's a meetin' hous', sah.
Henry delivered his great speech."
"When?" I asked, "when did Patrick speak?"
66
999
Years and years ago, sah.”
“What did he say?"
66 Why, he's de man what said, 'Give me liberty or give me
death.'
"Well, which did he get?"
"He got 'em bof, sah."
Dat's whar Patrick
"Where do you get the chickens?"
"My boys fetch 'em in."
The Poultry Trade in Arkansas.
Opie P. Read.
"What other business do you follow besides preaching?"
vas asked of an old colored man.
“I speculates a little.”
"How speculate?"
"."Sells chickens."
Alex Sweet.
"Where do they get them?"
"I doan know, sah. I'se allers so busy wid my preachin'
dat I ain't got time to ax. I was gwine to inquire de udder
day, but a 'vival come on an' tuck up all my time."
We are indebted to Alex Sweet, who has made the San An-
tonio Herald, the Galveston News, and the Galveston Herald
famous by his wit and humor for many of his very best negro
stories. Many of Mr. Sweet's witticisms, as arranged by him,
appear in this book in different places.
508
WIT AND HUMOR.
A Dutiful Daughter.
Alex Sweet.
"Look here, Matilda," said an Austin lady to the colored
cook, "you sleep right close to the chicken house, and you
must have heard those thieves stealing the chickens."
"Yes, ma'ain, I heerd de chickens holler, and heerd de
voices ob de men."
;)
"Why didn't you go out, then?"
"Case, ma'ain (bursting into tears), case, ma'am, I knowed
my old fadder was out dar, and I wouldn't hab him know I'se
los' confidence in him foh all de chickens in de world. If I
had gone out dar and kotched him it would have broke his ole
heart, and he would hab made me tote de chickens home fol
him besides. He done tole me de day before dat he's gwine
to pull dem chickens dat night.
""
it."
He Knew the Nature of an Oath.
"Do you know what an oath is?" asked a Virginia judge of
an old plantation darkey.
66
Yes, sah; when a man swears to a lie he's got to stick to
* X
*
"What was you in jail for last summer, Sambo?"
"Fo' borrerin inonney, sah!"
"But they don't put people in jail for borrowing money, do
they?"
66
'Dey do in some cases, boss. Now in dis case I had to
knock the man down free or fo' times before he would lend it
to me."
He Wasn't Afraid.
An old darkey, during the last Millerite excitement, had
boasted that "he wa'n't afraid ob de angel ob de Lord.
No, sah!"
NEGRO WIT.
509
2
The darkey slept in a room finished off with a rough parti-
tion. One night, just as he was getting into bed, he was startled
with a knocking on the partition, which made it jar.
"Who dar? ""
The angel of de Lord!"
"What ur want?
""
"Want Sambo."
Out went the light, and under the bed-clothes went Sambo.
"No sich nigger here, sah! been dead des tree weeks.”
An Accommodating Servant.
Alex Sweet.
“You will have a very easy time of it here, as we have no
children to worry you," said an Austin lady to a colored
woman she was about to hire.
"Don't restrict yerself, missus, on my account, bekase I'se
fond of chilluns, I is."
}
Libel Suit Threatened.
Alex Sweet.
The Rev. Aminidab Bledso, of an Austin Blue Light Colored
Tabernacle, was yesterday in consultation with his legal ad-
viser as to the advisability of suing Deacon Gabe Snodgrass
for $50,000 damages done his character by the slanderous
remarks of Snodgrass's boy, Abe Linkum. The facts are un-
denied. Rev. Aminidab Bledso saw the boy in a crowd, and
after patting him on the head, asked him if he knew his cate-
chism, to which Abe Linkum responded that he did not.
"You don't seem to know much, anyhow," remarked the
clergyman.
"I knows some ding, and udder dings I don't know."
"What does yer know?"
"I knows you don't keep no chickens, and dat dar am heaps
ob chicken fedders in your back yard."
*
510
WIT AND HUMOR.
"Now tell us what yer don't know?"
5
"I don't know whose chickens dem fedders growed on,'
responded Pea Blossom.
Negro Grammar.
Eli Perkins.
The funniest dialects are the negro, Irish, Dutch, Chinese
and Yankee. The negro dialect has a grammar, and the
present, imperfect and perfect tenses are built up as follows:
CONJUGATION OF THE VERB "I DUN." (COLORED).
Present.
:
I dun it.
You dun it.
He dun it.
We uns dun it.
You uns dun it.
They uns dun it.
Imperfect
I dun dun it.
You dun dun it.
He dun dun it.
We or us dun dun it.
You uns dun dun it.
They uns dun dun it.
Perfect.
I gone dun dun it.
You gone dun dun it.
He gone dun dun it.
We or us uns gone dun dun it.
You uns gone dun dun it.
They uns gone dun dun it.
Hon. W. S. Andrew's Negro Philosopher.
The Hon. W. S. Andrews often tells this negro story with a
dialect which makes everybody enjoy it :
"An elderly colored man, with a very philosophical and
retrospective cast of countenance, was squatting with his bundle
upon the hurricane-deck of one of the Western river steamers,
toasting his shins against the chimney, and apparently plunged

Yo
nathannelCE AN
H
1
LaD
ind
Ol Laund
“A dead white man ain't much wid dese sojers, let alone a dead
niggah." (See page 512.)
511
NEGRO WIT.
in a state of profound meditation. His dress and appearance
indicated familiarity with camp-life, and, it being soon after
the siege and capture of Fort Donelson, I was inclined to
disturb his reveries, and on interrogation found that he had
been with the Union forces at that place, when I questioned
farther. His philosophy was so peculiar that I will give his
views in his own words as near as my memory will serve me:
"Were you in the fight?"
""
"I had a little taste of it, sah."
"Stood your ground, did you? ”
"No, sah, I runs."
Run at the first fire, did you?"
"Yes, sah, an' would have run soonah had I knowed it was
comin'."
66
Why, that wasn't very creditable to your courage.
"Dat isn't in my line, sah; cookin's my profession.
66
Well, but have you no regard for your reputation?"
'Reputation's nuffin to me by de side of life.”
"Do you consider your life worth more than other people's?"
"It's worth more to me, sah."
66
'Put why should you act upon a different rule from other
men?"
22
""
""
"Cause, sah, diff'rent men sets diff'rent value on derselves;
my life's not in de market."
"But if you lost it, you would have the satisfaction of know-
ing that you died for your country."
“What satisfaction would dat be to me, when de power of
feelin' was gone
? "
"Then patriotism and honor are nothing to you?"
"Nuffin whatever, sah."
"If our soldiers were all like you, traitors might have
broken up the government without resistance."
Lú
Yes, sah; der would have been no help for it. I wouldn't
put my life in de scales 'gainst any guberment dat ever ex-
A
WIT AND HUMOR.
512
isted, for no guberment could replace de loss to me. Spect
dough dat de guberment's safe if de're all like me.”
"Do you think that any of your company would have missed
you if you had been killed?"
"Maybe not, sah; a dead white man ain't much wid dese
sojers, let alone a dead niggah; but I'd a missed myself, and
dat was de p'int wid me.'
""
Alex Sweet on Negro Honesty.
Jim Webster is one of the most upright negroes in Austin,
and yet he is peculiar. Not long since he brought a large
package of coffee to the store of a white neighbor, and said:
"I bought dis coffee at de store of Mr. Hotchkins, an' I jes
knows he has cheated me outen more than a whole pound in de
weight. I jes kin feel the lightness. Dar should be ten pounds,
and I'se sho' dar's not more than eight pounds. He fixed his
scale to cheat poor culled folks what hain't got no sense."
39
The white neighbor took the package, and, after weighing it
carefully on his scales, said:
"You are mistaken, Jim. He has given you a pound and a
half too much. There are eleven and a half pounds in the
package instead of ten.'
""
"Yer don't say so, boss. I was so sartin dat he was gibben
me light weight dat, unbeknownst to him, jes to get eben, I
lifted off de shelf a pair ob fine boots, wuff six dollars, to bal-
ance de account.
"Well, now you see that he hasn't cheated you, I suppose
you will do what is right?"
"You bet I will, boss. I'se gwine right back ter dat store
ter do what am right."
"Are you going to return the boots?"
"No, boss; I can't afford to make any such sacrifices as dat.
I'se a poor nigger, if I is honest. I can't afford to make any.
body a present of such a high-priced pair ob boots, but I'm
་
515
NEGRO WIT.
:
gwine to gib him back dat extra pound and a half of coffee. I
admires liberality, I does, and from now on I'se gwine ter do
all
my tradin' with him, now dat he has worked hisself into my
confidence. He sha'n't lose nuthin' by my honesty ef I kin
help it."
* *
*
"Uncle Pete, why don't you get married?
"Why, you see, sah, I got an old mudder, an' I hab to do
for her, ye see, sah, an' if I don't buy her shoes an' stockin's
she wouldn't get none. Now, ef I was to get married, I
would hab to buy dem tings for my wife, an' dat would be
taking de shoes an stockin's right out o' my mudder's mouf.”
Appearances Deceiving.
"Sambo, whar you get dat watch you wear to meetin' last
Sunday?"
"How do you know I hab a watch
"Kase I seed the chain hang out ob your pocket in the
front."
"Go 'way, nigger, s'pose you see a halter round my neck,
you think dar is a hoss inside ob me?"
* *
*
دو
""
"Look here, Pete," said a knowing darkey to his compan-
ion," don't stan' on de railroad."
"Why, Joe?"
“Kase ef de cars see dat mouf ob yourn, dey will tink it
am de depo' an' run rite in!"
Going in Cahoot.
Charlie and Henry Mason, of Frankfort, Ky., went out
'cooning with a darkey. I saw the darkey afterward and
asked him what success he had had, and he said:
WIT AND HUMOR.
514
"Yer see, Marse Henry said we'se 'go in cahoot." Well.
we got fo' 'coons."
"How did you divide?"
"Well, Marse Henry he takes two, and Marse Charlie he
takes two, an' -"
"What did you get?"
"Well, I don't know," scratching his head; then brighter-
ing up, "I reckons I gets the 'cahoot.""
Sp
Stop dem Pussonalities.
"Julius, s'pose dere is six chickens in a coop, and de man
sells three, how many is dere left?"
""
"What time of day was it?
""
"What has that got to do with it?
"A good deal. If it was arter dark dere would be none
left dat is if you happened to come along dat way."
"Look heah, nigga, stop dem pussonalities, or I'll shy a
brick at dat head of yourn."
**
*
"Do you think married people are happy, Uncle Jake?”
"Dat ar' 'pends altogedder how dey enjoy demselves."
* *
*
"Sambo, dis am a magnificent day for de race.
"What race, Pompey?"
"Why, de colored race, you stupid nigga."
* *
*
99
A negro held a cow while a cross-eyed man was to hit her
on the head with an ax. The negro, observing the man's eyes,
in some fear inquired: "Is you gwine to hit whar you look?”
"Yes."
"Den hold the cow yourself."
515
NEGRO WIT.
No Social Equality for Her.
"Ephreham, come hyar to yer mudder, boy. Whar you
bin?"
"I'se been playing wid de white folkses chilun.'
"You is, eh! See hyar, chile, you'll broke yer old mudder's
heart, and brung her gray hairs in sorro' to the grave wid yer
recklumness an' car-rings on wid evil assosayashuns. Hain't I
raised yer up in de way that yer should ought to go?
"Yessum."
99
""
"Habn't I reezened wid yer an' prayed wid yer, and
deplored de good Lord to wrap yer in his buzzum ? ”
"Yessum."
"Habn't I taught yer to walk up in the broad and narrer
path?"
"Yessum. >>
"An' isn't I yer nater'l detector an' gwadjeen fo' de law?"
"Yessum.'
""
"Well, den, do yer s'pose I'se gwine to hab yer morals
rectured by de white trash? No, sah! Yer git in de house, dis
instep; an if I ebber cotch your municatin' wid de white trash
any mo', fo' God, nigga, I'll break yer black head wid a brick !"
"Yessum."
"My brudders," said a waggish darkey to a crowd, “in all
afflictions, in all ob your troubles, dar is one place you can
always find sympathy."
"Whar, whar?" shouted several of his audience.
"In de dictionary."
No Mississippi for him.
"I
say, old man, don't you want to make some money?"
asked an emigration agent of a Columbus (Ga.) darkey the
other day.
WIT AND HUMOR.
516
:
"Dat's jest what I'm searchin' roun' fer, boss. I hungry
right now."
66
Well, in Mississippi the planters are paying mighty high
prices for good work hands, and if you”.
"Hole on dar, boss. Jes' wait. I'm a Middle Georgia
nigger. I done been out dar. I'm a good wuk han' too. I
wuk myself out dur, and then I turn roun' an' wuk myself
back again, an' right here I'm gwine ter stay, if the Lord spars
me. When I dies, I wants ter have a stomich spang full o'
bread and meat, an' I wants ter be berried in a seminary whar
I'm 'quainted with der folks."
The Ongodliest Mule.
In Forsyth one day last week, a gentleman standing in the
street, noticed a two-mule wagon drive up to one of the stores.
There was nothing peculiar in this, but what particularly struck
his attention was the fact that the driver-a colored man-had
an exceedingly lengthy pair of reins, and was seated in the
hindmost part of the wagon. When the team stopped, the
negro cautiously fastened the lines to a standard and got out
over the hind wheel, and made a circle of forty or fifty feet to
get to the heads of the mules. This so excited the gentleman's
curiosity that he walked up and asked:
"Look here, uncle, you are not crazy, are you?"
“Does I look like a crazy nigger, Mars Tom?”
"Well, what in the name of common sense are you cutting
these antics for--walking almost twice around the wagon
to get to your mules, and sitting on the 'gate' to drive?"
up
The negro looked at the gentleman a moment and then
burst into an uncontrollable fit of laughter.
"What the
do you mean?
"Mars Tom, don't you know dat off mule dar? Dat's Mars
Tump Ponder's roan mule."
"Well, what the mischief is the matter with that mule?"
""
517
NEGRO WIT.
<<
Why, Mars Tom, dat mule is a sight-dat mule is. She's
the ongodliest mule in cra'shun. She got some sense like white
folks. No nigger can't come foolin' round her. Only last
Chuesday she kick a bre's pin off a town merlatter's shirt buz-
zum. Trufe, Mars Tom. An' de nigger don't know dat he
ain't done gone an' los' it himself. Why, Mars Tom, when I
goes to hitch up that mule, I has to put de harness on wid a
pole, an' I has to get a new pole ebery time.
Lemme play
with powder an' Chrismus shooters, but don' gimme no roan
mule! I can't stay wid Mars Tump arter this week. I'm too
fon' of my fam❜ly, an' don't b'long to no church nudder.”
* X
*
A colored philosopher thus unburdened himself on one of
woman's weaknesses: "Jim, de men don't make such fools
of demselves about women as de women do about men. If
women look at the moon they see a man in it. If they hear a
mouse nibbling, it's a man; and dey all look under de bed de
last thing at night to find a man. Why, I neber look under
my bed to find a woman, does you ? ""
Jasper's Philosophy.
"Dey's some things I kin account for on philosophic prin-
ciples," said the Rev. Mr. Jasper, of Richmond. "Now,
dare's de telegraph."
"How do you account for that?" I asked.
66
'Wall, s'pose da was a dog, and dat dog's head was in Ho-
boken and his tail in Brooklyn."
"Go 'way, da ain't no such dog."
"Well, s'pose da was."
"Well, s'pose da was."
"Well, den, de telegram is jest like dat dog. If I pinch dat
dog's tail in Brooklyn, what he do?"
"Dunno."
WIT AND HUMOR.
518
"Why, if I pinch dat dog's tail in Brooklyn, he go bark in
Hoboken. Dat's the science of it."
"But how do you reconcile your sun-do-move theory,
Mr. Jasper?" I asked.
"Bekase 'Lijah want a darn fool. Din' he told de sun to
stan' still? Now ef de sun doan move-well god almighty
what's de use ob talking."
**
*
"Tom, where is that ten dollar counterfeit bill you had a
while ago?"
66
'Well, Massa, I never was pos'tive about dat ar bill.
Some days I tink it war a bad bill; oder days I think it war a
good bill; so one o' dem days when I tinks it war a good bill 1
jes' dun gone and passed it."
A Colored Debating Society.
The "Colored Debating Society," of Mount Vernon, Ohio,
had some very interesting meetings. The object of the argu-
ment on a particular evening was the settlement, at once and
forever, of the question, "Which am de mightiest, de pen or
de sword?"
Mr. Larkins said about as follows: "Mr. Chairman, what's
de use ob a swoard unless you's gwyne to waar? Who's hyar
dat's gwyne to waar? I isn't, Mr. Morehouse isn't, Mrs.
Morehouse isn't, Mr. Newsome isn't; I'll bet no feller wot
speaks on the swoard side is any ideer ob gwyne to waar.
Den, what's de use ob de swoard? I don't tink dar's much
show for argument in de matter.
Mr. Lewman said: "What's de use ob de pen 'less you
knows how to write? How's dat? Dat's what I wants to know.
Look at de chillun ob Isr'l, wasn't but one man in de whole
crowd gwyne up from Egyp' to de Promis' Lan' cood write,
an' he didn't write much. [A voice in the audience, "Who
wrote de ten comman'ments, anyhow, you bet." Cheers from
>>
519
NEGRO WIT.
:
the pen side.] Wrote 'em? Wrote 'em? Not much; guess not;
not on stone, honey. Might p'r'aps cut 'em wid a chisel.
Broke 'em all, anyhow, 'fore he got down de hill. Den when
he cut a new set, de chillun ob Isr'l broke 'em all again. Say
he did write 'em, what good was it? So his pen no 'count no-
how. No, saar. De swoard's what fotched 'em into de
Promis' Lan', saar. Why, saar, it's ridiculous. Tink, saar,
ob David a-cuttin' off Goliah's head wid a pen, saar! De
ideer's altogedder too 'posterous, saar.
De swoard, saar,
de swoard mus' win de argument, saar."
Dr. Crane said: "I tink Mr. Lewman a leetle too fas'. He's
a-speakin' ob de times in de dim pas', when de mind ob man
was crude, an' de han' ob man was in de ruff state, an' not
tone down to de refinement ob cibilized times. Dey wasn't
educated up to de use ob de pen. Deir han's was only fit for
de ruff use ob de sword. Now, as de modern poet says, our
swords rust in deir cubbards, an' peas, sweet peas, cover de
lan'. An' what has wrot all dis change? De pen. Do I take
a swoard now to get me a peck ob sweet taters, a pair ob
chickens, a pair ob shoes? No, saar. I jess take my pen an'
write an order for 'em. Do I want money? I don't git it by
de edge ob de swoard; I writes a check. I want a suit ob
clothes, for instance-a stroke ob de pen, de mighty pen, de
clothes is on de way. I'se done."
Mr. Newsome said: "Wid all due 'spect to de learned
gemman dat's jus' spoke, we mus' all agree dat for smoovin'
tings off an' a-levelin' tings down, dere's notting equals de
sword."
Mr. Hunnicut said: "I agrees entirely wid Mr. Newsome;
an' in answer to what Dr. Crane says, I would jess ask what's
de use ob drawin' a check unless you's got de money in de bank,
or a-drawin de order on de store unless de store truss you?
S'pose de store do truss, ain't it easier to sen' a boy as to write
a order? If you got no boy handy, telegraf. No use for a pen
-not a bit. Who ebber heard of Mr. Hill's pen? Nobody,
WIT AND HUMOR.
520
saar. But his swoard, saar-de swoard ob ole Bunker Hill,
saar is known to ebbery chile in de lan'. If it hadden been
for de swoard ob ole Bunker Hill, saar, whaar'd we niggers be
to-night, saur? whaar, saar? Not hyar, saar. In Georgia,
saar, or wuss, saar. No cullud man, saar, should ebber go
back, saar, on de swoard, saar.
Mr. Hunnicut's remarks seemed to carry a good deal of
weight with the audience. After speeches by a number of
others, the subject was handed over to the "committee," who
carried it out and "sot on it." In due time they returned with
the followin' decision:
"De committee decide dat de swoard has de most pints an'
de best backin', an' dat de pen is de most beneficial, an' dat de
whole ting is about a stan'-off."
A Darkey Justice's Curious Decision.
Some time ago, Nathan Jones, a colored man in whose gen-
eral character there was a lack of laudable ambition, was ar-
raigned before a Little Rock justice and fined. Jones went
down in the country, became a leader among the negroes, and
was elected justice of the peace. The other day 'Squire Gilwig,
before whom Jones had been arraigned, and whom the waves
of politics had submerged, went down into Jones' neighbor-
hood, drank bad whisky, and killed a man. He was arrested
and taken before Justice Jones for examination.
"Prisoner at de bar," said the colored justice, "de las time
I feasted dese judicial optics on yer fat face, I was in hock,
an' yerse'f was de musical director ob de festive occasion. I
recognized my lack of larnin', sah, an' went ter a night school.
My frien's seein' in me de stuff outen what big men is made,
put me on dis bench, while yer own frien's failin' ter see dem
features in yerself, took yer offen de bench. Yer is charged
wid killin' a man. De charge am pretty well sustained, an'
blamed ef I see how yer's gwinter git outen dis fix."
521
NEGRO WIT.
"Judge," said the prisoner, "I am aware that I am seriously
situated, I fined you heavily when you were drawn up before
me, and now, especially as my crime is great, I do not expect
mercy."
"Yas, salı, yas. Now, my mode ob precedement is a little
different from dat put down in de statuary books. When a
man what is guilty ob two crimes is arrested an' fotched afore
me, I discharges him on de little crime, but holes him on de big
Now, yerse'f is guilty ob two crimes, de littlest one of
what is killing a man."
one.
'I can't be charged with but one crime?" exclaimed the
white man.
"I'll show yer in a minute. When I was afore you, arter I
had paid my fine, what was it yer said?"
"I don't remember."
"See ef yer can't ricolleck."
"I believe I told you to keep your feet in the path of recti-
tude."
66
"Yas, dat's it; an' when I axed yer ter say dat word agin,
yer turned away an' commenced talkin' wid a lawyer. Dat
word struck me, an' I wanted it. Arter I was elected I needed
it, but couldn't ricolleck it. On dis account justice wus cheated,
an' I is certain dat de higher courts hab 'versed my decisions
case I didn't hab dat word. Now, sah, I'll discharge yer fur
killin' dat man."
"Thank you, Judge.'
But I'll put yer in jail an' see dat yer's hung fur keepin
me outen dat word. Mr. Constable, put de han'cuffs on de
larned gen❜leman.”
""
Changing His Name.
The other day a young African asked us if it was "agin de
law" to change his name. We replied that if he had a good
naine, he had better keep it, as a good name was the one thing
to be desired in this world.
WIT AND HUMOR.
522
"I'se got a putty fa'r name," he said, "w'at I'se had eber
sence the war, but it won't do for dis chile any moah."
Why, what's the matter with it?" we asked.
(6
"Well, you see, boss, dar's a fool niggar come hyar from
Chillicoffee, an' he's a-buzzin' around with my name, and no
two niggers can circumgate in de same town unless one or de
uder ob dem hab a different procognem.
""
"Perhaps you can prevail on him to adopt another name.
"No, sah; I offered him foah bits an' a rahsor to call hisself
somethin' else 'sides Geowge Washin'ton Jones, but de yaller
fool won't do it."
در
"Yellow, is he?"
"Yes, sah; an' dat's what makes me injurious about it.
He says de Joneses was de fustest family of Firginny, an' dat
he's condescended in a direct line from dem, an' consaquenchly
darfoah walues de name moah exceedingly dan udderwise."
"So you propose to off with the old name and on with a
new?"
"Somethin' like dat, I s'pose, boss. An' I wants to ax you
de favor to sejest some disappropriate naine dat'll do for a
cullud pusson ob standin'. I don't soshate wid de common
low-class niggers, and I wants a name out o' dere uncompre-
hension-w'at dey can't steal, you know."
"How'll Benedict Arnold do?'
"
"De Arnold am tonish, for suah, but dar's too many Ben-
neys an' Dicks around. Try anudder one, boss.'
"2
66
'Well, Algernon Sartoris, how's that?"
"Dat's superlagant! Algerneyman Sartoris Arnold-dat'll
do for the some ob de name. Please reach for anudder one,
sah."
"Why, that's name enough. How much do you want, fo:
goodness sake?"
"Boss, you must 'member dat I'se deekin in the church, an
'prietor ob a house an' lot.'
22
"Oh! yes; well-let's see-Bill Allen !"
523
NEGRO WIT.
"Dat's too common."
"Abraham Lincoln.”
"Too ordinary, sah. Git up higher."
"Phil. Sheriden !"
"Higher yet, sah, if you please."
"Wm. Tecumseh Sher
""
Stop, salı-dat's nuff needn't feel no furder. Wilyum
Cherkumsey-dat sounds like ole Kaintuck---Wilyum Cher-
kumsey Algerneyman Sartoris Arnold. Yes, sah, dat'll do-
no low-class nigger can get inside o' dat. You'se de solum
witness, boss, dat dat's my name from hencefo'th on to all pre-
cedin' time. I'se obliged to you, sah."
As he walked majestically away, repeating the name over to
himself, he was the proudest nigger in Brunswick. And yet
Shakespeare says there's nothing in a name.
* *
X
A negro, who was suspected of surreptitiously meddling with
his neighbor's fruit, being caught in a garden by moonlight,
nonplused his detectors by raising his eyes, clasping his hands,
and piously exclaiming: "Good Lord! dis yere darkey can't
go nowhere to pray any more without bein' 'sturbed."
Didn't Want to Know Him.
"Sam, do you know Jonah?" asked one negro of another
on returning from the prayer meeting.
"Jonah! Who is he?".
"Why, Jonah dat swallowed the whale; don't you know
him?"
(6
Why, darn his big-moufed soul, I doan want to know him.
He's one of dem greedy Firginny niggers, he is! Why, dem
Firginny niggers dey eat ebery ting dey get dere mouts on!"
**
*
66
"Sambo, did you ever see the Catskill mountains? " 'No,
sah, I've seen 'em kill mice."
WIT AND HUMOR.
524
You Looks Jes Like Him.
"Uncle Ben, how do I look?' asked a proud old Virginian
as he showed his new suit of clothes to his favorite servant.
66
Why, you looks splendid, master, splendid. Why, you
look as bold as a lion."
"What do you know about a lion? You never saw one.”
"Why, yes, I did, master; I've often seed a lion, often.”
"Where, Uncle Ben?"
"Why, down on master Johnson's plantation, they've got
a lion, and you seed him, too; I know you has."
66
Why, you old goose you, that is not a lion; it is a jack
ass, and they have called him Lion."
"Well, I don't care about dat, I don't care for dat. You
look just like him."
* *
*
An elderly darkey inquired of a policeman if he knew any-
thing of his son Pete.
The policeman replied that there was a young darkey in the
lock-up for breaking up a prayer-meeting with an ax-handle.
"Dat's him," exclaimed the overjoyed parent.
me he was gwine to 'muse hisself."
"He told
DUTCH WIT
Melville D. Landon, A.M.
All the dialects, the Dutch, the Irish and the negro dialects.
produce laughter, because they are instances of deformed lan-
guage. All stammering stories will produce laughter, too, or
account of the deformity of language.
The simplest incident, if told with a dialect, will produce
laughter. For instance :
Two Germans met in San Francisco.
!
Quaint Anecdotes and Blunders..
greeting, the following dialogue ensued :
"Fen you said you hev arrived?"
"Yesterday."
"You came dot Horn around?”
"No."
"Oh! I see; you came dot isthmus across?"
"No."
"Oh! den you come dot land over?”
"No."
"Den you hef not arrived?"
"Oh, yes, I hef arrived.
37
After affectionate
Dutch Blunders.
"9
I hef arrived. I come dot Mexico through."
"Hans, you have frozen your
nose."
Nein, he froze hisself, Mr. Berkins."
"How did it happen, Hans?"
I no understand dis ting. I haf carry dot nose fordy year.
unt he nefer freeze hisself before.”
525
WIT AND HUMOR.
526
All lisping or stammering stories come under the heading of
deformed language. For example :
A country fellow who lisped, having bought some pigs,
asked a neighbor for the use of a pen for a few days. Said he:
"I have jutht been purchathin thome thwine-two thowth
and pigth. I want to put them in your pen."
"Two thousand pigs!" exclaimed the neighbor; "why,
my pen will hardly hold a dozen."
You don't understand me, Mr. Bent; I don't thay two
thouthand pigths, but two thowth and pigth."
"I hear you,” said Mr. Bent-"two thousand pigs. Why,
you must be crazy!"
"I tell you again," exclaimed the man, angrily, "I mean
not two thouthand pigth, but two thowth and two pigth."
"Oh, that is what you mean, eh? Well, take the pen !"
* *
*
Chinese dialect, or "pigeon English," is always very amus-
ing. For instance, the other day I met Wang Ho, and asked
him why Americans always like to see wrestling and fighting.
Wang Ho looked up from his work-board very quizzically,
and said:
"You wank know why Melica man likee fight? Him heap
flaid of him wifee. Melican velly fond stay out latee. Him
wifee get heap mad-taka a poka-say, 'Me givee him fit'
taka pitch ice wata-say, 'Me coole him off.' Bimeby Melican
man come home, takee off him shoe, stealee upstay—say, 'Me
foolee ole woman.' Alle same him wifee open him eye-say,
'IIa! whe you be so latee? Wha time you thinkee him be? ›
Den Melican man him say, 'You betta leavee me lone-me
velly bad man. Me see fightee allee night-Patsee Hogee
Jack Hallnee. Me heap sabe Sullivan-knock you out in a
minute. Me sabe Muldoon-gives you fall-bleakee you neck.
You let up; me velly tough man-muchee wosee man Sullivan.'
Den him wifee hitee Melican poka, wetee him ice wata, takee
527
DUTCH WIT.
}
him wipee de flo. Melican man yellee 'Mudda! fi! fi! pleece!
Nexa day newspapa say heap muchee talkee high life. Veliy
bad on Melican man; him get divoce, allee same Jim Fay—
givee him wifee million dolla un ketchee nudda gallee.
""
"I Lofe an Honest Poy."
A. Miner Griswold.
The other day, our little boy went over to Jacob Abraham's
clothing store to get a two-dollar bill changed. By some
mistake, Abraham made a mistake in the change-paid him
twenty-five cents too much.
"We sent little Frank back to return the extra quarter;
which, by the way, had a hole in it. Entering the store and
holding out the money, the boy said :
"You changed a two dollar bill for me, here's a quarter-"
"Shanged nodinks! I shanged no pills mit you!"
exclaimed Jacob, thinking Frank wanted him to take the
quarter with the hole in it back.
"Yes, you did, and here's a quarter—
"Mein Gott, vas a liars! never in my life did I see sich a
poys. I dells you you never shanged me mit any pills."
66
Why, I was here not half an hour ago, and you gave me a
quarter-"
"Gif you some quarters, gif you some quarters! Got in
hamil, young feller, do you dink I pin gone grazy mit my
prains? I don't gif you some quarters. Now, make yourself
seldom, ride away, pefore I put shoulders on your head," and
he commenced to move out from behind the counter.
""
"O, you didn't give me the quarter, then! All right; all
right, squire. I'm just a quarter ahead,” and he started to go
out.
"Now," said the German, putting himself in an attitude of
admiration, “dot is vat I likes to see petter as nothings else.
I lofe an honest poy, and I shoost been trying you, sonny.
Yaw, it was me what makes shange mit ter pill, and I knows
WIT AND HUMOR.
528
it all der same, but I vas drying you.
Du bees a goot poy,
and I gifs you a nice pig apples for your honesty," and
pocketing the quarter, he led the boy back to the rear end of
the store, and selecting an apple about the size of a marble, he
presented it to the boy, and patting him on the head, said:
"Now, run along home, sonny, and tell your volks vat a nice
p-e-a-u-t-i-f-u-l old shentleman it vas who gif you dot nice
apples."
Dutch English.
A German in Chicago who has not paid much attention to
learning English, had a horse stolen from his barn the other
night, whereupon he advertised as follows:
"Von nite, de oder day, ven I was bin awake in my shleep,
I heare sometings vat I tinks vas not yust right in my barn, and
I out shumps to bed and runs mit the barn out; and ven I was
dere coom I sees dat my pig gray iron mare he vas bin tide
loose and run mit the staple off; and whoefer will him back
pring, I yust so much pay him as vas bin kushtomary."
* *
*
"Py Schiminy, how dot boy studies de languages!" is
what a delighted elderly German said when his four year old
son called him a blear-eyed son of a saw-horse.
Dutch Idea of Insurance.
Bill Nye.
A New York Dutchman insured his home in the Hanover
Fire Insurance Company for $4,000. The house, an inferior
one, burned down, and the Dutchman went to President Wolcott
to get his money.
"But," said Mr. Wolcott, "your house is not worth $4,000.
We will build you another and a better house," and the com-
pany did so.
The next week one of the agents of the New York Mutual

#
•ELLED ACHER
·
$.90
1 2
20/18
Within
Mar 95
"Who vash dot?" (See page 529.)
·
PA
هه
مه
DUTCH WIT.
529
Life, which boasts of $97,000,000 of assets went to the Dutch-
man to insure his wife's life for $5,0
,000.
66 'What should I insure Katrena's life for?"
"Why, if you insure your wife's life for five thousand
dollars," said the agent, "and she should die, you would have
the sum to solace your heart."
"Dat be dam!" exclaimed the Dutchman. 66
'You 'surance
fellows ish all tiefs! If I insure my vife, and my vife dies,
and I goes to de office to get my five thousand dollars, do I gits
all de money? No, not quite. You will say to me, 'She
vasn't worth five thousand dollars-she vas vorth about three
thousand dollars. If you don't like de three thousand dollars
ve will give you a bigger and better vife, a great pig vife vot
weighs six hundred pounds!""
* *
*
A perplexed Hebrew who had made a garment for a youth,
and found himself unable to dispose of the surplus fullness,
which appeared when trying it on the young candidate,
declared vociferously:
"Dot coat is goot. It ish no fault of de coat. De poy is too
slim!"
Lewis Defends the Flies.
He had a fly screen under one arm and a bundle of sticky
fly paper under the other as he entered a Michigan avenue
saloon yesterday, and said:
(6
Why don't you keep 'em out? "
"Who vosh dat?" asked the saloonist.
"Why, the pesky flies. You've got 'em by the thousand
here, and the fly season has only begun. Shall I put fly
screens in the doors?
""
"Vhat for?' ""
"To keep the flies out."
"Why should I keep der flies out? Flies like some chance
·
64
530
WIT AND HUMOR.
to go aroundt und see der city, der same ash beoples. If a fly
ish kept oudt on der street all de time he might as vhell be a
horse."
"Yes; but they are a great nuisance. I'll put you up a
screen door there for $3."
"Not any for me. If a fly vhants to come in here, und he
behaves himself in a respectable manner, I have nothings to
say. If he don't behave I bounce him oudt pooty queek, und
don't he forget her!"
"Well, try this fly paper. Every sheet will catch 500 flies.
"Who vhants to catch 'em?".
""
"I do-you-everybody."
"I don't see it like dot. If I put dot fly paper on der
counter somebody comes along und wipes his nose mit it, or
somebody leans his elbow on her und vhalks off mit him. It
would be shust like my boy Shake to come in und lick all der
molasses off to play a shoke on his fadder."
66
Say, I'll put down a sheet, and if it doesn't catch twenty
flies in five minutes I'll say no more.
29
"If you catch twenty flies I have to pry 'em loose mit a stick
und let 'em go, und dot vhas too much work. No, my friend;
flies must have a shance to get along und take some comfort.
I vhas poor once myself, und I know all about it.'
22
""
"I'll give you seven sheets for ten cents.'
66
'Oxactly, but I won't do it. It looks to me like shmall
peesness for a big man like you to go around mit some confi
dence game to shwindle flies. A fly vhas born to be a fly, und
to come into my beer saloon ash often ash he likes. When he
comes I shall treat him like a shentleman. I gif him a fair
show. I don't keep an ax to knock him on der headt, und I
don't put some molasses all oafer a sheet of paper und coax him
to come und be all stuck up mit his feet until he can't fly away.
You can pass along. I'm no such person like dot.
DUTCH WIT.
531
A Lucid Direction.
"But now, Hans," said a Chicago butcher to a Dutch farmer,
"how can I find the hog that I have bought?"
"You comes mit mine farm.'
"2
"But how shall I find your farm?"
"You shoost goes dot Clark sdhreet out and turns to de right.
till you comes to a fence mit a hole in it, den you turns up to
de right for a while till you sees a house and a big hog in de
yard. Dot's me."
"" 'Don' I told You so?”
"Hallo!" they shouted, "there's Fritz. Bring him in!"
He was hauled up to the bar, all the time protesting.
66
'Boys," pleaded Fritz, "let me go. I was in a quick hurry.
Old vooman sick like the tuyval. I was come mit der doctor
sooner as lightnin'!"
"Well, you can take some beer while you're here, and kill
two birds with one stone," was the reply.
"Yas, I kill von chicken mit a couple of stones, und der ola
vooman die mitout der toctor; I don't forgot myself of it,
eh ?"
“Oh, she won't die. You don't get beer often, and you've
got the old woman all the time. Fill 'em up again."
""
"Yaas, I got her all der time, but exposin she go ded, I don't
got her any more somedimes. It's better to go mit ter toctor,
seldom right away."
But he didn't go. As one glass after another was forced
upon him by the reckless crowd, the object of his errand was
floated further from his vision, until it was carried out of his
mind altogether, and his voice, untinged with anxiety, joined
in the drinking songs, and arose above all others.
Thus he was found by his son, late that night. The boy
grasped him by the sleeve and said:
38
532
WIT AND HUMOR.
66
Fader, come home.”
Fritz turned, and at the sight of his boy a great fear arose in
his mind, swept away the fumes of beer, and brought him to a
sense of the situation. In an awe-struck tone he said:
"Yawcub, how you was come here? Vas somedings ter
matter?"
"Yaw," replied the boy.
Vell, shpole up about it. Vas ter ole vooman-vas yer
mudder--is shu dade? I can shtand dem best. Don't keep
your fader in expense, boy. Shpid it out. Vas ve a couple of
orphanses, Ya cub?”
66
"Nein," answered the boy, "you vas anuder. A leedle
baby coom mit ter house.”
Fritz was overcome for a moment, but finally stammered
out:
¿
"Vos dot so? I expose it vas not so soon already. Veil-
vell, in der middle of life, we don't know what's to turn next
up. Men exposes. Fill up der glasses
The boy ventured to ask the old man why he had not seen
the doctor.
\
1
"Vy, did she want a doctor? Petter she tole me so.
I get
him pooty quick. Never mind. I safe more as ten dollar
doctor bill on dat baby. Dot was a good shild. Fill up der
glasses. Whooray for dat little buck baby! Ve von't go home
till yesterday."
Fritz got home at last, and was in Chestnut Hill again in a
couple of days after some medicine. The boys couldn't get him
into the saloon this time; he said to them:
"You bet I tend to my peesness now."
3.
""
Not For Joseph.
An honest Dutchman, in training up his son in the way he
should go, frequently exercised him in Bible lessons.
On one of these occasions he asked him ·
&
DUTCH WIT.
533
"Who vas it dot vould not shleep mit Botiver's vife?"
""
66
Shoseph.'
Dot's a coot poy. Vel, vot vas de reason he vould not
shleep mit her?"
"Don't know-shpose he vasn't shleeby."
}
66
Two Good Ways.
"Vell, Jake, how you use dot bug poison vot you sold me
for a half-a-dollar a box? "
"You catch te pug, Yacop, and opens his mout und drops it
in.”
"Ish dot te vay
"Yah."
66
'Vell, I yoost cotch dem, tramp dem mit my foot, and kill
dem dot vay."
"Oh, yah, dat's a goot vay too. Dot ish jest as good as de
pug powder.
35
?"
He Wanted His Helts Insured.
Gus Williams.
A thin, cadaverous-looking German, about fifty years of age,
entered the office of a health insurance company in New York,
and inquired:
Y
"Ish te man in vot inshures de people's helts?"
The agent politely answered, "I attend to that business,
sir."
"Vell, I vants mine helts inshured; vot you charge?"
"Different prices," answered the agent, "from three to ten
shillings a year; pay ten dollars a year, and get ten dollars a
week, in case of sickness."
"Vel," said Mynheer, "I vants ten dollars' vort."
The agent inquired his state of health.
"Vell, I ish sick all te time. I'se shust out te bed two,
tree hours a tay, und te doctor says he can't do nothing more
goot for me."
:
534
WIT AND HUMOR.
A
"If that's the state of your health," returned the agent,
"we can't insure it. We only insure persons who are in good
health."
"You must tink I'se a big fool; vot! you tink I come pay
you ten dollars for inshure my helt, ven I vas vell.”
X X
X
(6
'Why so gloomy this morning, Jacob?"
"Ah, my poor lettle Penjamin Levi-he is tead!"
"Dead? You surprise me. How did that happen?"
"Vell, you see, my lettle Penjamin he vas at der synagogue
to say his brayers, and a boy put his het at der door and gries,
'Job lot!' and lettle Penjamin-he vas gilt in der grush."
Der Gandidate.
Who shtands der streets and gorners around
Mit sefrel agzes to be ground,
Und shmiled, und bowed, und nefer frowned?
Der Gandidate.
Who hold your hand ven you would start,
Und told you you was mighty shmart,
Und how he luved you mit his heart?
Der Gandidate.
Eli Perkins' Dutchman.
A New York rough stepped into a Dutch candy and beer
shop this morning, when this conversation took place :
"I
say, Dutchy, you son of a gun, give us a mug of bee-a.
D'y' hear?"
เส
'Yah, yah-here it ish," answered the Dutchman, briskly
handing up a foaming glassful.
"Waal, naow, giv' us 'nother mug, old Switzercase!"
The Cherry Street boy drank off the second glass, and started
to go out, when the Dutchman shouted:
"Here, you pays me de monish!
avay?"
What for you run
DUTCH WIT.
535
:
"I pays de monish!' What do you take me for?' I
doan't pay for anything. I'm a peeler-that's the kind of a
man I am.”
"You ish von tam, mean, low-lived Irish son of a gun-
that's de kind of a man I am!" exclaimed the Dutchman.
K
Will Vischee's Dutch Story.
He is a second-hand clothier, and holds forth in South St.
Joseph. It was the hour of ten in the morning when he reeled
into an adjoining establishment, fell into a chair, weaved his
hands into the tangled locks of his gray hair, and rocking back
and forth, moaned out:
**
*
"Oh! dear, oh! dear, I ish ruined.'
"Vat is the matter, Jacob," asked his sympathizing brother
in the trade, bending over him.
"You remember dat coat vot I paid six bits for on yester
day?"
"Yes, I remember him."
"Just now a man from the country comes in and asks me
how much for dat. I tells him dree dollars; and would you
believe it, Moses, he puts his hand right into his pocket and
pays de full price without a word-" Here he lowered his voice
to the lowest whisper-"so help me gracious, Moses, I pelieve
he'd paid me five dollars, just the same."
"Jacob, how you vas swindle yourself."
"Dat vas vot makes me hate mine self so much as never
vas."
An old Dutchman undertook to wallop his son, but Jake
turned, and walloped him.
The old man consoled himself for his defeat by rejoicing at
his son's superior manhood. He said:
"Vell, Jake is a schmart fellow. He can vip his own
taddy."
536
WIT AND HUMOR.
A Kansas City German got angry with a banker of that
place for demanding a heavy discount, and when the banker
asserted it was "business," replied:
Pisiness? Pisiness? You sit here all day long and rob a
man barefaced before his pack und calls dat pisiness!”—K. C.
Journal.
* *
-X-
A Chicago German, who got excited over an account of an
elopement of a married woman, exclaimed:
"If my vife runs away mit anoder man's vife, I vill shake
him out of her preeches, if he be mine fodder, so help me
gracious!"
Didn't Want to Kill his Brother.
"Well, sir, I like your coat very much, but don't like the
price," said a gentleman to an Atlanta clothing dealer.
'Well, mine frent, ze price is nothing so you like ze coat.
We let you take 'em at fifteen dollars."
The customer still complains of the price, saying that fifteen
dollars was too much. This was too heavy for the dealer, so,
taking his customer to the extreme end of the store, and draw-
ing him into a dark corner, he whispers in his ear, "Mine
frent, I let you have zat coat for twelve dollars and a half?
""
"Well, sir," said the customer, "I like your coat very
much, and am satisfied with the price, yet I would like to know
why this mysterious performance?”
"Vell, mine frent, you see dot leetle man dere? He was
mine broder. He got ze heart disease, and so help me gra-
cious, if he was to hear me tell you I take twelve dollars and a
half for zat coat he drop dead mit his track."
**
*
A Dutchman was about to make a journey to his fatherland,
and wishing to say "good-bye" to a friend, extended his hand
and said: "Vell, off I don't coom back, hullo."
#

»» « Grammar
7
JU Many as
"He drop dead mit his track." (See page 586.)
537
DUTCH WIT.
¿
66
Dot Lambs Vot Mary Haf Got.
Mary haf got a leetle lambs already;
Dose vool vas vite like shnow;
Und every times dot Mary did vend oued,
Dot lambs vent also oued vid Mary.
Dot lambs did follow Mary von day of der schoolhouse,
Vich vas obbosition to der rules of der schoolmaster,
Alzo, vich it dit caused dose schillen to schmile out loud
Ven dey did saw dose lambs on der insides of der schoolhouse.
Und zo dot schoolmaster did kick dot lambs quick oued.
Likewise, dot lambs dit loaf around on der outsides,
Und did shoo der flies mit his tail off patiently aboud
Until Mary did come also from dot schoolhouse oued.
Until den dot lambs did run right away quick to Mary,
Und dit make his het on Mary's arms,
Like he would said, "I dond vas schkared,
Mary would keep from drubbles ena how."
"Vot vos der reason aboud it, of dot lambs und Mary ?”
Dose schillen did ask it, dot schoolmaster;
"Veli doand you know it dot Mary lov dose lambs already?"
Dot schoolmaster did zaid.
MORAL.
Und zo, alzo, dot moral vas,
Boued Mary's lambs' relations;
Of you lofe dese like she lofe dose,
Dot lambs vas obligations.
Dutch Indifference.
"Sir," said a Yankee, "you promised to vote for my bill."
vat if I did?”
"Vell," said the Dutch member,
Well, sir, you voted against it.”
"Vell, vat if I did?”
"Well, sir, you lied!”
"Vell, vat if I did?"
WIT AND HUMOR.
538
The Dutch Witness.
During a recent trial before Justice Dougherty it was thought
important by counsel to determine the length of time that
certain "2 quarters of beef, 2 hogs and 1 sheep" remained in
an express wagon in front of plaintiff's store before they were
taken away by the defendant. The witness under examination
was a German, whose knowledge of the English language was
very limited; but he testified in a very plain, straight-forward
way to having weighed the meat, and to having afterward car-
ried it out and put it into the aforesaid wagon.
Then the following ensued:
"State to the jury," said Lawyer E., "how long it was after
you took the meat from the store and put it into the wagon
before you took it away.
"Now, I shoost cand dell dat. I dinks 'bout dwelve feet
I not say nearer as dat.”
"You don't understand me. How long was it from the
time the meat left the store, and was put into the wagon, be-
fore it was taken away by the defendant?
""
"Now, I know not what you ax dat for. Der vagon he vas
back up mit der sidevalk, and dat's shoost so long as it vas.
You dell me how long der sidevalk vas. Den feet? Dvelve
feet? Den I dells you how long it vas."
"I don't want to find out how wide the sidewalk was, but I
want to know" (speaking very slowly), how-long-this-
was in-the-wagon-before- it was taken
meat
away?"
"Oh! Vell, now, I not sold any meat so. I all time weigh
him; never measured meat, not yet. But I dinks 'bout dree
feet." (Here the spectators and his honor and the jury smiled
audibly). "I know not, shentlemens, how is dis.
I dell you
all I can, so good as I know."
"Look here, I want to know how long it was before the
meat was taken away after it was put into the wagon?"
99
K
M
539
DUTCH WIT.
"Now you try and get me in a scrape. Dat meat vas
shoost so long in der vagon as he vas in der shop. Dat's
all I told you. He don't got no longer in den dousan' year,
not mooch."
"That will do," said the lawyer. N. O. Times.
P
Dyin Vords of Isaac.
Vhen Shicago vas a leedle villages, dhere lifed py dot Clark
Sdhreet a shentlemans who got some names like Isaacs; he
geeb a cloting store, mit goots dot vit you yoost der same like
dhey vas made. Isaacs vas a goot fellers, und makes goot
pishness on his hause. Vell, thrade got besser as der time he
vas come, und dose leedle shtore vas not so pig enuff like
anudder shtore, und pooty gwick he locks out und leaves der
pblace.
Now Yacob Schloffenheimer vas a shmard feller, und he
dinks of he dook der olt shtore he got good pishness und dose
olt coostomers von Isaac out. Von tay dhere comes a shentle-
mans on his store, und Yacob quick say of der mans, "How
you vas, mein freund; you like to look of mine goots, aind it?"
"Nein," der mans say. "Vell, mein freund, it makes me
notting troubles to show dot goots." "Nein; I dond vood buy
sometings totay." "Yoost come mit me vonce, mein freund,
und I show you sometings, und, so hellub me gracious, I dond
ask you to buy dot goots." "Vell, I told you vat it vas, I dond
vood look at some tings yoost now; I keeps a livery shtable,
und I likes to see mein old freund, Mister Isaacs, und I came
von Kaintucky, out to see him vonce." "Mister Isaacs? Vell,
dot is pad; I vas sorry von dot. I dells you, mein freund,
Mr. Isaacs he vas died. He vas mein brudder, und he vas not
mit us eny more. Yoost vhen he vas on his deat-ped, und vas
dyin', he says of me, 'Yacob' (dot ish mine names), und I goes
me ofer mit his pet-side, und he poods his hands of mine, und
WIT AND HUMOR.
540
he says of me, 'Yacob, ofer a man he shall come von Kain-
tucky out, mit ret hair, und mit plue eyes, Yacob, sell him
dings cheab,' und he lay ofer und died his last."
How "Sockery" Set a Hen.
66
The following is given as a fine example of Dutch dialect :
I dell you all apout vot dook blace mit me lasht suinmer;
you know-oder uf yu dond know, den I dells you-dot Ka-
trina (dot is mine vrow) und me, ve keeps some shickens for a
long dime ago, un von tay she sait to me, "Sockery " (dot is
mein name), "vy dond you put some aigs unter dot olt plue
hen shickens? I dink she vants to sate. ""
"Vell," I sait,
maype I guess I vill.”
I vill." So I bicked oud some uf de best
aigs, und dook um oud do de parn fere de olt hen make her
nesht in de side uf de haymow, pout fife six veet up. Now
you see I nefer vas fery pig up und town, put I vas booty pig
all the vay arount in de mittle, so I koodn't reach up dill I
vent und got a parrel do stant on.
Vell I klimet me on de
parrel, und ven my hed rise up py de nesht, dot old hen she
gif me such a bick dot my nose runs all ofer my face mit plood;
und ven I todge pack, dot plasted olt parrel het preak, und I
vent town kershlam. Py cholly, I didn't tink I kood go insite
a parrel pefore; put dere I vos, und I fit so dite dot I koodn't
git me out efery vay. My fest vas bushed vay up unter my
arm-holes. Ven I fount I vas dite shtuck, I holler, "Katrina!
Katrina!" Und ven she koon und see me shtuck in de parrel
up to my arm-holes, mit my face all plood und aigs, py cholly,
she chust lait town on de hay, und laft, und laft, till I got so
mat I sait, "Vat you lay dere und laf like a olt vool, eh? Vy
dond you koom bull me oud?"
koom bull me oud?" Und den she set
Und den she set up und sait,
"Oh, vipe off your chin, und bull your fest town." Den she
lait pack und laft like she vood shblit herself more as efer.
Mat as I vas, I tought to myself, Katrina, she shbeak English
booty goot; but I only sait, mit my greatest dignitude, "Ka-

H
LITU
✓
Brand' is
Sockery, vait a little till I get a battern of dot new oferskirt you haf on." (See page 541.)
DUTCH WIT.
541
""
trina, vill you bull me oud dis parrel?" Und she see dot I
look booty red, und she sait, "Ov course I vill, Sockery.'
Den she lait me und de parrel town on our site, und I dook
holt de door sill, und Katrina she bull on de parrel; but de
first bull she made I yelled "Donner und blitzen! shtop dat,
by cholly; dere is nails in de parrel!" You see de nails bent
down ven I vent in, but ven I koom oud dey shtick in me all
de vey rount. Vell, to make a short shtory long, I told Ka-
trina to go und dell naypor Hansman to pring a saw und saw
me dis parrel off. Vell, he koom, und he like to shblit him-
self mit laf too; but he roll me ofer, und saw de parrel all de
vay arount off, und I git up mit half a parrel arount my vaist.
Den Katrina, she say, "Sockery, vait a little till I get a battern
of dot new oferskirt you haf on." But I didn't sait a vord. I
shust got a nife, und vittle de hoops off, und shling dot con-
fountet oll parrel in de voot-pile.
Pimepy ven I koom in de house, Katrina, she sait, so soft
like, "Sockery, dond yor goin' to but some aigs unter dot olt
plue hen?" Den I sait, in my deepest woice, “Katrina, uf
you efer say dot to me again I'll git a pill from you, so help
me chiminy cracious!" und I dell you she didn't
say dot
any
more. Vell, ven I shtep on a parrel now, I dond shtep on it
-I git a pox.-Poultry Monthly.
Rube Hoffenstein's Courtship.
"Herman, do you still go around mit Rachel Goslinski?"
said Hoffenstein.
"Yes, sir," replied the clerk. I dakes her out somedimes
ven I don't got nodding to do.”
"Vell, you must keep on daking her oud, because she vas
velty, you know, und you don't find dem often dese days. Ven
I vas making love mit my vife, Leah Heidenheimer, I haf a
great deal of drouble, but I nefer veakens. Old man Moses
Heidenheimer's blace vas in de gountry about von mile from
542
WIT AND HUMOR.
1
Vickspurg, and I used to go oud dere to see Leah. Von day,
vile I vos baying a visit to Leah, her leetle broder Levi gomes
running in de house to his fader und says: 'Pa, de old prindle
cow has proke de fence all down, und vas in de field mit de
corn.'
"I dinks it vill make a good imbression on old Heiden-
heimer, und I says: 'Misder Heidenheimer, you sday in de
house und I vill go und drive de cow avay.' Leah she says:
"Mr. Hoffenstein, you petter had keep avey from de cow.
She vill chase you all around.' 'Never mind, Miss Leah,' I
says; I never get sgared in anyding,' un ven I started out to
de field, Old Moses Heidenheimer dells me to bust de cow vide
oben mit a sdick, und I says I vill. Leetle Levi Heidenheimer
comes along mit me, undil ve get to vere de cow vas.
"I dinks uf vat a man dells me vonce, und dat vas to look
at a vild beast in de eye und frown und it vill run avay. Her-
man, venever a man dells you dat, you dell him he vas a liar.
I looked at de cow, und I frowns, but she don't do noddings.
I gets a leedle closer, and I frowns some more, und vat you
dink, de next minute de cow runs at me. Shust as I turns
around myself to get out of de vay de cow hits me mit her head.
"My gr-r-acious, Herman, it vas derrible. I feels dat I vas
disconnected from myself, und for a vile I dinks dat my head
was in New Jersey and my legs vas in de Rocky Mountains.
De cow hits me a couple uf dimes inore mit her head, und I gets
up and runs dwice faster den I efer did, und de cow comes
right afder me. At last I gets to a bersimmon sapling vot vas
no larger den my arm, und I vent up de sapling.
Ven I gets
up de sapling I looks around und sees leetle Levi Heiden-
heimer sitting on de fence swinging his sore foot around, und
I dells him to get a sdick und make de cow go avay. He asks
me if I dinks he vas a lunadick, und den he svings his foot
some more und vistles, und afder avile he dells me as long as
I keeps my grip und de sapling don't preak, dare vas no
danger.
DUTCH WIT.
543
"De vorst of it vas Jacob Heidinsfelder, who vas also in love
mit Leah, comes along und sees de fix I vas in. I asks him to
make de cow go avay, und he says, 'Vait, Rube, undil I go ap
to de house und get old man Heidenheimer.' Vell, Herman,
it vas an hour before I got down from vere I vas, und Leah und
all uf dem laughed aboud it, but I shust keeps on making love
mit her undil ve vas married. Regollect, Herman, vile you
vas, gourting Rachel Goslinsky, dond't get discouraged. A
veak heart never wins noding."-New Orleans Times.
Dot Schmall Leetle Baby.
Drue as I leev, most efery day
I laugh me vild to saw der way
My schmall young baby drie to play―
Dot funny leetle baby.
Ven I look of dem leetle toes,
Und see dot funny leetle nose
Und hear der way dot rooster crows,
I schmile like I vas grazy.
Sometimes der comes a leetle schquall,
Dot's ven der vindy wind will crawl
Right on his leetle schtomack schmall,
Dot's too bad for der baby.
Dot makes him sing at night so schveet,
And gorrybarric he must ead,
Und I must chump shpry on my feet
To help dot leetle baby.
He bulls my nose und kicks my hair,
Und grawls me ofer eferywhere,
Und shlobbers me; but vot I care?
Dot vos my schmall young baby.
Around my head dot leetle arm
Vos schquozin me so nice and warm-
Oh! may dere never come some harm
To dot schmall leetle baby
544
WIT AND HUMOR.
"Dot Leedle Loweeza.”
Charles F. Adams.
How dear to dis heart vas mine grandshild, Loweeza,
Dot shveet leedle taughter of Yawcob, mine son !
I nefer vas tired to hug and to shqueeze her
Vhen home I gets back, und der day's vork vas done,
Vhen I vas avay, oh, I know dot she miss me,
For vhen I come homevards she rushes bell-mell,
Und poots oup dot shveet leedle mout' for to kiss me-
Her "darlin oldt gampa" dot she lofe so vell.
Katrina, mine frau, she could not do mitoudt her,
She vas sooch a gomfort to her day py day;
Dot shild she made efry von happy aboudt her.
Like sunshine she drife all dher droubles avay;
She holdt der vool yarn vhile Katrina she vind it.
She pring her dot camfire bottle to shmell;
She fetch me mine pipe, too, vhen I don'd can find it,
Dot plue-eyed Loweeza dot lofe me so vell.
How shveet vhen der toils off der veek vas all ofer,
Und Sunday vas come mit its quiet and rest,
To valk mit dot shild 'mong der daisies und clofer,
Und look at der leedle birds building dhair nest!
Her pright leedle eyes how dhey shparkle mit bleasure-
Her laugh it rings oudt shust so clear as a bell;
I dink dhere vas nopody haf sooch a treasure
As dot shmall Loweeza, dot lofe me so vell.
Vhen vinter vas come, mit its coldt shtormy wedder,
Katrina und I've musd sit in der house
Und talk off der bast, by de fireside togedder,
Or play mit dot taughter of our Yawcob Strauss,
Old age mit its wrinkles pegins to remind us
Ye gannot shtay long mit our shildren to dwell;
Budt soon ve shall meet der poys left behind us,
Und dot shveet Loweeza, dot lofe us so vell.
A Dutch Notice.
In a Dutch saloon on Cherry street is this notice :
TOOK NOTAIS !
Mebbe you don't petter had loaf roundt here ven
you don't got some peasnis-ain't it.
*
་
DUTCH WIT.
545
66
Yocop, how you vaz?" asked a Yankee of a Dutchman,
at the same time imitating the broken Dutch.
"See here, Mr. Shones, ven some mans slaps me on the
shoulder un says: "I vas glad to hear you vas so vell,' und
den sticks behind my back his fingers to his nose, I haf my
opinion of dot veller.”
Vas Bender Henshpecked?
Von Boyle.
Any shentleman vot vill go round pehind your face, und
talk in front of your back apout sometings, vas a svindler. I
heared dot Brown says veek before next apout me I vas a
henshpecked huspand. Dot vas a lie! De proof of de eating
vas in de puddings. I am married tventy year already, und I
vas yet not pald-headed. I don't vas oonder some pettygoats
gofernments; shtill I tinks it vas petter if a feller vill insult
mit his wife und got her advices apout sometings or oder.
Dem American vomans don't know sometings nefer apout
his huspant's peeness, und vhen dem hart times comes, und
not so much money comes in de house, dot makes not some
tifference mit her. Shtill she moost have vone of dot pull-
pack-in-de-front hoop-skirt-pettygoats, mit ever kind trimmings.
Pooty soon dot huspant gets pankerupted all to pieces. Dey
send for de doctor; und vhen de doctor comes de man dies.
Den dot vomans vas opliged to marry mit anoder mans vot
she don't maype like mit four or six shildrens, on account of
his first vife already, und possobably vone or two mudders-by-
law-vone second-handed, und de oder a shtep-mudder-out-law.
Den she says mit herself, "I efen vish dot I vas dead a little.”
Now if a Chermans goes dead, dot don't make a pit of tiffer-
ence. Nopody would hardly know it, except maype himself.
His vife goes mit de peesness on shust like notings has hap-
pened to somepody.
American vomans and Cherman vomans vas a tifferent kind
of peobles. For inshtinct, last year dot same feller, Mr. Brown,
546
WIT AND HUMOR.
goes mit me in de putcher peesness togeder. He was Amer
ican man-so vas his vife. Vell, many time vhen efery peo-
bles has got de panic pooty bad, dot vomans comes to her
huspant und says she moost have money. Den she goes out
riding mit a carriages.
Vonce on a time, Brown says to me, "Bender, I vouldn't be
henshpecked." So he vent off und got himself tight-shust
pecause his vife tells him, blease don't do dot. Den he sits
down on his pack mit de floor, und if I am not dere dot time
he never vould got home.
Vell, dot night, me und my vife, ve had a little talk apout
sometings; und de next tay I says to Brown, "Look here
vonst! My vife she make sausages, und vorks in dot shtore;
also my taughter she vorks py de shtore und makes head-
skeeses; und your vife vas going out riding all de times mit de
horses-car, und a patent-tied-pack cardinal shtriped shtockings.
Now your vife moost go vork in de shtore und cut peefshteaks,
und make sauerkraut, or else ve divide not equally any more
dot profits.
وو
Vell, Brown goes home und he tells his vife apout dot.
Den she comes pooty quick mit Brown around, and ve had a
misundershtanding apout sometings, in vich eferybody took a
part, including my leetle dog Kaiser. Pooty soon up comes a
policemans und arrests us for breeches of promise to keep de
pieces, und assaulting de battery, or sometings. Den dé firm
of Bender & Brown vas proke up. I go apout my pessness,
und Brown goes mit his peesness. My vife she helps in de
shtore. His vife goes riding mit de horses-cars, und efery
nights she vas py de theatre.
Vot's de gonsequences? Along comes dot Centennial panic.
Dot knocks Brown more higher as two kites, py Chimminy!
My income vas shtill more as my outcome. But Brown, he
goes 'round dot slitreet mit his hands out of his pockets, und
he don't got a cent to his back.
WOMEN'S WIT AND PATHOS.
Domestic Jokes and Anecdotes.
An Indiana man wagered ten dollars, that he could ride
the fly-wheel in a saw-mill, and as his widow paid the bet she
remarked:
"William was a kind husband, but he didn't know much
about fly-wheels."
،،
?
Eli Perkins' Young Housekeeper.
A young married lady went into Fulton Market the day be
fore Christmas, and, stepping up to a poultry-dealer, asked
the price of chickens."
"Twenty-four cents a pound," said the dealer.
Tough and tender all the same price?" inquired the lady.
"Yes, here are six — all the same price."
"Could you pick out three very tough ones for stewing?'
asked the lady.
"Certainly, madame," said the dealer, glad to get a chance
to sell his tough poultry. “Here are three very tough ones ;
just right for stewing. They would never boil to pieces.
"And the other three are too tender for stewing, are they?"
asked the lady, half-regretfully. "I don't see any difference
in them."
ور
“O, I can tell the tough from the tender," said the butcher,
pressing them with his hands. "I never make a mistake.”
"Then," said the lady, "I'll take the three tender ones, I
guess, for I'm looking for tender broilers. I'm a young house
547
VOA
548
WIT AND HUMOR.
keeper, you know, and don't know much about marketing.
You can sell those tough chickens to some smarc old boarding
house keeper who knows how to market."
* *
X-
"John Henry," said his wife, with stony severity, "I saw
you coming out of a saloon this afternoon.”
“Well, madam,” replied the obdurate John, "you wouldn't
have me stay in there all day, would you?"
The Woman's Idea of It.
Alex Sweet.
A Northern lady desirous of locating in San Antonio, en-
deavored to purchase a residence from one of our leading citi-
zens, but thought the price too high.
"Too high!" yelled the owner, "too high, with three
saloons at regular intervals on the road to church, a peach-
orchard with a fence easy to get over close at hand, and there
hasn't been a policeman seen in the neighborhood for the last
five years! Why, madam, it doesn' look to me like you was
trying to become one of us.”
The next day the stranger looked at another house owned
by a San Antonio woman.
"Do you want it, madam?" she asked.
"No, madam, the rent is too high.
C
"Well, look at the neighborhood," replied the woman.
"You can borrow flat-irons next door, coffee and tea across
the street, flour and sugar on the corner, and there's a big
pile of wood, belonging to the school-house right across the
alley !"
The Northern lady took the house.
Wife! Wife!
A man coming home one night rather late, a little more
than half-seas-over," feeling thirsty, procured a glass of
water and drank it. In doing so he swallowed a small ball of
WOMEN.
549
A
silk that lay in the bottom of the tumbier, the end of the
thread catching in his teeth. Feeling something in his mouth,
and not knowing what it was, he began to pull at the end;
and the little ball unwinding, he soon had several yards of
thread in his hand, and still no end, apparently. Terrified,
he shouted at the top of his voice, "Wife! wife! I say, wife,
come here! I am all unraveling."
**
*
Eli Perkins.
"What will you sell this chicken for?" asked a young house-
wife of a smart New York butcher.
"I'll sell it for a profit, mam," replied the smart butcher.
"O, I don't want to buy Prophets and Patriarchs. Nothing
older than tender Priests take in our house," replied the
woman.
How a Woman Does Business.
R. W. Criswell.
About one o'clock in the afternoon I went into the office of
an evening paper, to leave an advertisement for my theatrical
friend. A young woman was the sole occupant of the apart-
ment before I entered. She was sitting behind the counter
when I opened the door, and came forward to meet me, with a
sort of "none-of-your-familiarity,-young-man" air.
lowing dialogue ensued:
The fol
I-"What will twenty lines cost, every day for a week?"
She "Twenty lines?"
I-"Yes."
She "For a week?"
I-"Yes; a whole week.”
She "Every day?"
I-"Yes. Every minute and every hour in the day, and
every day in the week."
She "Twenty lines?"
I-"Yes; twenty lines, every minute and every hour in the
aay, and every day in the week."
550
WIT AND HUMOR.
P
1
She-“You mean twenty lines, six days, every day!"
I (excitedly)—"Yes."
She (calmly)—“But we don't print Sundays."
""
I (in a frenzy)—-_-"I know it."
She (with exasperating coolness)—“To begin to-day. The
paper's out to-day. Will to-morrow do?"
I (walking up and down the floor, trying not to swear)—“It
ain't to go in till next week."
By this time she had got her pencil down on a piece of
paper.
She-"Two dollars and a half."
I-" All right. Give me a bill."
She "A what?"
I-"A bill-a William-a bill for the advertisement."
She "O, you want to pay in advance?"
I-"No, I'm dd if I do. I want a bill.”
-
She (suddenly)" Hold on a minute. I have made a mis-
take. Did you say twenty lines, six days, every day?”
I (in deadly fear of having to go over it all again)—“Yes,
in heaven's name, yes!"
She-“O! That will be eight dollars and a half."
That settled it. I rushed out of the office, ran to my room,
snatched my valise, and bolted for the New York train. If
my friend's company don't do a good business this week, I
suppose he will lay it all to me. Well, let him! I escaped
with my life, and I won't murmur now, whatever betide.
A Woman's Letter.
This letter may be called a sample of pure, practical, womanly
affection:
"My Dear husband,-I got here last night all safe and was
met at the station by uncle and aunt. They were so glad I
had come, but were sorry you were not along. I miss you so
much. We had hot rolls for breakfast this morning and they
WOMEN.
551
were so delicious. I want you to be so happy while I am here.
Don't keep the meat upstairs, it will surely spoil. Do you
miss me now? Oh! if you were only here, if but for an hour.
Has Mrs. O'R brought back your shirts? I hope the
bosoms will suit you. You will find the milk tickets in the
clock. I forgot to tell you about them when I came away.
What did you do last evening? Were you lonesome without
me? Don't forget to scald the milk every morning. And I
wish you would see if I left the potatoes on the pantry. If I
did they must be sour by this time. How are you getting
along? Write me all about it. But I must close now. Oceans
of love to you. Affectionately your wife.
P.S.-Don't set the teapot on the stove.
She Finds a Gentle Horse.
Eli Perkins.
My wife, having been run away with once, is always afraid
the horse is going to run away with her again. Yesterday
when Harrington, who runs the Maplewood Hall stables,
brought up a span, he had to stand the usual questioning :
"Now, are they very gentle ?"
"Oh, certainly-kind as kittens."
"Did they ever run away?"
:
"Never."
Harrington looked at the horses sadly, and said: "Madame,
to be frank with you, I don't think they could."
"Well, have they ever been frightened?”
"No, never. Nothin' could frighten 'em," said Harrington.
"Has anything ever happened to them that would have
frightened them if they had been skittish?" continued my wife
earnestly.
"Well, yes, ma'am ; su’thin' did happen thuther day that
would have skeered 'em ef they'd been skittish."
"What, Harrington-what?"
66
'Why, I was drivin' along down the Woolsey hill; storm
39
552
WIT AND HUMOR.
came up, an' six streaks of lightnin' struck them horses ght
on the head, and
"Did they run?"
"No, ma'am; they didn't move; they jest stood still and
pawed the ground for more lightnin'. They liked it. An
the next day," continued Harrington, "a city feller was drivin'
this team, an' he let a railroad train go right through 'em."
"Did it kill them?"
""
"No, but the city feller was all used up. But yo oughter a
seen them horses. They acted so human like. Why, when
they picked them out of the trees, they walked straight up to
the city feller, took him by the seat of his pantaloons
""
"Oh, my!"
"Lifted him right back into the wagon again, and
"My gracious me!"
"And then they hitched themselves back onto the wagon
and drove themselves home. Didn't they, Mr. Kettle?"
* *
*
Savag
Du Tell.
""
A Green Bay woman, whose husband kicks her down stairs
every night, says she likes to look over his old letters com-
mencing with "My dearest, darling, little angel, Minnie,
Heaven alone knows the depths of my love for you."
To see how little the old New England grandinother thinks
when you are reading to her. I read the following account to
an old New Bedford woman from the Boston Herald. Hold-
ing the newspaper bottom side up I commenced:
"Last night, yesterday morning, about one o'clock in the
afternoon, before breakfast, a hungry boy, about forty years.
old, bought a big custard for a levy, and threw it through a
brick wall nine feet thick, and jumping over it, broke his right
ankle off above his left knee, and fell into a dry mill pond and
was drowned. About forty years after that, on the same day,
WOMEN.
553
an old cat had nine turkey gobblers; a high wind blew Yankee
Doodle on a frying pan, and killed a sow and two dead pigs
at Boston, where a deaf and duinb man was talking to his
Aunt Peter." Whereupon the old lady, taking a long breath,
exclaimed:
"Du tell!"
The Old New Bedford Woman.
Eli Perkins.
New Bedford, Massachusetts, is a quaint old town, inhabited
mostly by people who have made their fortunes in the whale-
fisheries. It is a very old-fashioned town. Many of the people
are even to this day burning sperm-oil instead of petroleum.
It is here that the Bostonians pick up old andirons, old iron
chests, old Delft plates, and old three-legged chairs with such
straight backs that no one can sit in them, and take them up
under the shadow of Bunker Hill Monument and label them
"Art Furniture.'
""
It was here in New Bedford that I met an old woman who
had never used a coal-oil lamp. She didn't even know what
petroleum was.
"You say they dig this new-fashioned kerosene oil out of the
ground?" she asked, as she pecked away with a pin at her
whale-oil luminary.
"No, it runs out of the ground, and sometimes it spurts
seventy-five feet into the air-a regular oil fountain,” I said.
"And they are burning this oil out West, in New York and
Pennsylvania?" inquired the old lady, with a puzzled look
"Yes, burning it all over the world."
"In place of whale-oil?"
66
'Why, whale-oil will be entirely superseded in a few years
more.” I said.
"And the people won't burn it?”
"No; petroleum will take its place."
"Oh, dear, it's too bad!" mourned the old lady, as she
wiped her spectacles with a red bandanna handkerchief.
554
WIT AND HUMOR.
"What is too bad?" I asked.
"Well, I'm thinking, when this new-fangled petroleum
takes the place of whale-oil all over the world, what will the
poor whales do for a livin'?”
**
*
A Connecticut man who believes in self-improvement, sug-
gested to his wife recently that they should argue some
question frankly and freely every morning, and try to learn
more of each other. The question for the first night happened
to be, "Whether a woman could be expected to get along
without a hat," and he took the affirmative; but when he was
last seen, he had climbed up into the hay-loft and was pulling
the ladder up after him.
* X
*
"You low, drunken fellow?" exclaimed a poor woman to
her husband; "you are always in the saloons, getting drunk
with hot punch, while I am at home with nothing to drink but
cold water.'
"Cold, you silly woman!" hiccoughed her husband; "why
don't you warm it?
""
Breakfast at Home.
"Well, Madame," says the head of the house, who has
apparently got out of bed on the wrong side, "what have you.
got for breakfast this morning? Boiled eggs, eh? Seems to
me you never have anything but boiled eggs. Boiled Erebus !
And what else, madame, may I ask?
""
"Mutton chops, my dear," says the wife timidly.
"Mutton chops!" echoes the husband, bursting into a peal
of sardonic laughter. "Mutton chops! I could have guessed
it. By the living jingo, madame, if I ever eat another meal
inside of this house-" and jamming on his hat and slamming
the door, the aggrieved man bounds down the stairs and betakes
himself to the restaurant.
I
WOMEN.
555
"What'll you have, sir?" says the waiter, politely, handing
him the bill of fare.
66.
"Ah!" says the guest, having glanced over it, let me
see! Bring me two boiled eggs and a mutton chop!"
* *
*
A man, who was sentenced to be hung, was visited by his
wife, who said: "My dear, would you like the children to see
you executed?"
66
"No," replied he.
"That's just like you," said she, "you never wanted the
children to have any enjoyment."
""
**
*
Yes, Job suffered some," said an Iowa farmer, "but he
never knew what it was to have his team run away and kill
his wife right in the best season, when hired gals want three
dollars a week."
* *
*
"Yes, I want my daughter to study rhetoric,” replied a
Vermont mother, "for she can't fry pancakes now without
smoking the house all up."
* *
*
"How is your husband this afternoon, Mrs. Swiggs?"
"Why, the doctor says as how as if he lives till the mornin'
he shall have some hopes of him; but if he don't, he must give
him up."
She Felt Lonesome.
The second night after her first husband died, she sat by the
open chamber window, waiting and watching.
"What are you watching so intently out of the window !”
asked a sympathetic neighbor.
"I've been waiting here," said the bereaved one, "for five
hours for them cats to begin fighting in the back yard," and then
she mused to herself:
556
WIT AND HUMOR.
"This thing of going to sleep without a quarrel of some kind
is so new that I can't stand it; Let me alone till they begin ;
then I can doze off gently!"
Saratoga Spring Fashions.
For the benefit of many young ladies who did not go to
Saratoga, that beautiful spot
"Where the weary cease from troubling, and the wicked are at rest,”
I send the following account of the latest watering-place fash-
ions :
"Shoes are worn high in the neck, flounced with point
aquille lace, cut on the bias. High heels are common in
Saratoga, especially in the hop room. Cotton hose are very
much worn, some of them having as many as three holes in
them.
"Bonnets are worn high-none less than $35. They
are made high in the instep and cut décolleté in front, trimmed
with the devilknows what. Low neck bonnets with paniers
are no longer worn. The front of the bonnet is now invari-
ably worn behind.
Bl
"Lovers
are once more in the fashion. They are worn on
the left side for afternoon toilets, and directly in front for even-
ing ball-room costume. A nice thing in lovers can be made
of hair (parted in the middle), a sickly moustache, bosom pin,
cane and sleeve buttons, dressed in checked cloth. Giant in-
tellects are not fashionable in Saratoga this season. The broad,
massive, thick skull is generally preferred. The old lover
trimmed with brains, character, and intelligence are no longer
worn.
J
"Dresses are not worn long none over two days.
They are trimmed with Wooster street sauce, looped up with
Westchester county lace, with monogram on 'em. Shake well
and drink while hot. Inclose twenty-five cents for circular.
"ELI DE PERKINS, Modist."
>
Bak
WOMEN.
557
Not Quite Harmonious.
They drove into town Monday behind a cross-eyed mule and
a sprained horse. They looked contented, but one member of
the party was the head of the house, for she handled the
ribbons, and when they halted she hitched the team, while he
stood demurely by and took the basket of eggs and her shop-
ping satchel as she handed them out. They disposed of their
produce at the grocery, and then entered a dry goods store.
She made a few trifling purchases of thread, pins, needles,
and such things, and then called for two knots of yarn.
66
That won't be enough, Mary," said the man, plucking at
her dress.
"I guess I know what I'm buying,” she retorted.
"But it a'n't more'n half what you've had afore," he per-
sisted.
"Wal, that's none o' your business; these socks are goin'
to be for ine, and if I want 'em short you can have your'n
come way up to your neck if you want to.
The old man bowed to the inevitable with a long sigh as his
partner turned to the clerk and said :
"Two yards of cheap shirtin', if you please.
"That a'n't enough, Mary," said the old man, plucking at
her dress again.
"Yes 'tis."
"No, it a'n't."
'Wall, it's all you'll git," she snapped.
"Put it up then, mister," said he, turning to the clerk
"put it up, and we won't have any.
99
"Who's doin' this buyin' I should like to know?" hissed
the woman.
""
ور
"You are, Mary, you are," he admitted; "but you can't
palm off no short shirts on me.'
“You act like a fool, John Spiner.
558
WIT AND HUMOR.
"Mebbe I do, Mary, but I'll be dumed to gosh if I'll have
half a shirt-no, not if I go naked."
"Wall, I say two yards is enough to make any one two
shirts," she snapped.
66
'Mebbe that's enough for you, Mary," he said, very quietly;
"p'raps you can git along with a collar button and a neck
band, but that a'n't me; and I don't propose to freeze my legs
to save eight cents."
"Git what you want, then!" she shrieked, pushing him
over the stool; "git ten yards, git a hull piece; git a dozen
pieces if you want 'em, but remember that I'll make you sick
for this."
"Four yards, if you please, mister-four yards,” said he to
the clerk; "and just remember," he continued, "if you hear
'em findin' me with my head busted, friz to death in a snow
drift, just remember that you heard her say she'd make me
sick."
And grasping the bundle, he followed his better half out the
door.
An Extraordinary Woman.
Angry wife (time 2 A.M.)—Is that you, Charles?
Jolly husband-Zash me!
Angry wife-Here have I been standing at the head of the
stairs these two hours. Oh! Charles, how can you?
Jolly husband (bracing up) Shtandin' on your head on t
shtairs! Jenny, I'm shprized! How can I? By Jove, I
can't! Two hours, too! 'Strornary woman!
* *
-X-
A man in Michigan swapped his horse for a wife. An old
bachelor acquaintance said he'd bet there was something wrong
with the horse, or its owner would never have fooled it away
in that reckless manner.
WOMEN.
559
R
**
66
Fanny Fern's Tribulations.
Fanny Fern.
Well, I think I'll finish that story for the editor of the
"Century." Let me see; where did I leave off?-The setting
sun was just gilding with his last ray—
"Ma, I want some bread and molasses!'
"Yes, dear,"-gilding with his last ray the church spire-
"Where's my Sunday pants?"
"Under the bed, dear," the church spire of Inverness,
when a
M
"There's nothing under the bed, dear, but your lace cap-"
'Perhaps they are in the coal-hod in the closet."—when a
horseman was seen approaching-
Ma'am, the pertators is out; not one for dinner—”
"Take some turnips !"-approaching, covered with dust,
and-
""
66
"Wife, the baby has swallowed a button!"
"Reverse him, dear! Take him by the heels."—and wav-
ing in his hand a banner, on which was written-
"Ma! I've torn my pantaloons!"
"Liberty or death!" The inhabitants rush en masse—
"Wife! will you leave off scribbling?"
"Don't be disagreeable, Smith; I'm just getting inspired.
-to the public square, where De Begnis, who had been
secretly—
25
"Butcher wants to see you, ma'am.”
-secretly informed of the traitors-
'Forget which you said, ma'am, sausages or mutton chop."
--movements, gave orders to fire! Not less than twenty-
"My gracious! Smith, you haven't been reversing that
child all this time! He's as black as your coat! And that
boy of yours has torn up the first sheet of my manuscript.
There! It's no use for a married woman to cultivate her
intellect. Smith, hand me those twins."
40
560
WIT AND HUMOR.
Everyday Domestic Scenes.
Stanley Huntly.
My dear," said Mr. Spoopendyke, feeling up the chimney,
"have you seen my gold collar button?"
"I saw it the day I bought it," answered Mrs. Spoopendyke,
cheerily, "and I thought it very pretty. Why do you ask?"
"'Cause I've lost the measly thing," responded Mr. Spoop-
endyke, running the broom handle up into the cornice, and
shaking it as if it were a carpet.
"You don't suppose it is up there, do you?" asked Mrs.
Spoopendyke. "Where did you leave it?"
"Left it in my shirt. Where do you suppose I left it ?—in
the hash?” and Mr. Spoopendyke tossed over things in his
wife's writing desk, and looked out of the window after it.
"Where did you leave your shirt?" asked Mrs. Spoopendyke.
"Where did I leave my shirt? Where do you suppose I
left it? Where does a man generally leave his shirt, Mrs.
Spoopendyke? Think I left it in the ferry-boat? Got an idea
I left it at the prayer meeting, haven't you? Well, I didn't.
I left it off, Mrs. Spoopendyke, that's where I left it. I left it
off. Hear me?" And Mr. Spoopendyke pulled the winter
clothing out of the cedar chest that hadn't been unlocked for a
inonth.
"Where is the shirt now?" persisted Mrs. Spookendyke.
"Where do you suppose it is?" Where do you imagine it
is I'll tell you where it is, Mrs. Spoopendyke, it's gone to
Bridgeport as a witness in a land suit. Idea! Ask a man
where his shirt is! You know I haven't been out of the room
since I took it off;" and Mr. Spoopendyke sailed down stairs and
raked the fire out of the kitchen range, but did not find the button.
"Maybe you lost it on the way home," suggested Mrs.
Spoopendyke, as her husband came up, hot and angry, and
began to pull a stuffed canary to pieces to see if the button had
got inside.
"Oh, yes, very likely! I stood up against a tree and lost
WOMEN.
561
it. Then I hid it behind a fence so I wouldn't see it. That's
the way it was. If I only had your head, Mrs. Spoopendyke,
I'd turn it loose as a razor strop. I don't know anything
sharper than you are;" and Mr. Spoopendyke clutched a
handful of dust off the top of the wardrobe.
"It must have fallen out," mused Mrs. Spoopendyke.
"Oh! it must, eh? It must have fallen out? Well, I
declare, I never thought of that. My impression was that it
took a buggy and drove out, or a ballcon and hoisted out;" and
Mr. Spoopendyke crawled behind the bureau and commenced
tearing up the carpet.
"And if it fell out it must be somewhere near where he left
his shirt. Now, he always throws his shirt on the lounge, and
the button is under that."
A moment's search soon established the infallibility of Mrs.
Spoopendyke's logic.
"Oh, yes! Found it, didn't you?" panted Mr. Spoopen-
dyke, as he bumped his head against the bureau and finally
climbed to a perpendicular. Perhaps you'll fix my shirts so
it won't fall out any more, and maybe you'll have sense enough
to mend that lounge, now that it has caused so much trouble.
If you only tended to the house as I do to my business, there'd
never be any difficulty about losing a collar button."
"It wasn't my fault-" began Mrs. Spoopendyke.
"Wasn't eh? Have you found that coal bill you've been
looking for since last March?"
"Yes."
"Have, eh? Now where did you put it? Where did you
ind it?
"In your overcoat pocket."
The Only Woman in Camp.
I shall never forget when the first woman came to our camp.
We had been mining in Dead Man's Gulch for twenty-two
months, and during that time not a single woman had been seen
562
WIT AND HUMOR.
about the camp. We had all left wives and mothers and sis-
ters at home, and their precious letters, received once a week,
were the only reminders we had of sweethearts and mothers.
The woman was a widow who had been captured by the Indi-
ans from an immigrant train, and then recaptured by the hun-
ters. She was about 40 years of age, had taken the situation
coolly, and instead of making an effort to restore herself to
the train and to her relatives with whom she was journeying,
had asked to be set down in our camp until she could make
up
her mind what course to pursue. This was the way the leader
of the hunters turned her over to our care:
66
Say, you diggers after silver, here's a woman who wants to
stop here fur a spell till she gits rested! She's eddecated, and
she sings like a south wind blowing over prairie flowers."
And this was the way we received her :
"Ahem yes- ahem-jess so-yes-hats off, boys-no
swearing-glad to see ye-hope yer well-ahem exactly!"
There were thirty of us standing around there, mouths open,
hats off, knees wobbling, and more coming up from the dig-
gings every minute, and something in the situation made the
widow grin as she looked us over. I file my claims as follows:
1. I assisted her off the horse.
2. I said I hoped she was well.
3. I remarked that it was a melodious afternoon.
-
4. She accepted my arm as we walked to camp, and then
accepted my shanty as her headquarters.
If a tidal wave six feet high had come rolling up the valley
it wouldn't have produced half the flutter occasioned by the
presence of the Widow Fleming. There were eighty or ninety-
of us, rough, brawny and more or less wicked, some married,
some divorced and some old bachelors, and to have a dumpy
little black-eyed widow with a pretty mouth, and a voice as
sweet as sixty-cent molasses, pop in upon us at three o'clock
in the afternoon, was enough to stop work and send the query
up and down the lines:
WOMEN.
563
"Well, isn't this the next thing to the judgment day?'
Several curious things happened right away. Col. Taylor
who had never been known to wash his face or comb his hair,
started out in search of a clean shirt and pocket-comb, and
offered up as high as $15 without being able to secure them.
He then made a beeline for the creek, washed the only shirt
he was ever known to have, combed his hair with a stick, and
, in half an hour was back in camp and waiting an introduction
to the widow.
22
Bill Goodhen, the ugliest-looking man in camp, offered $5
for a piece of looking-glass two inches square, and not being
able to find one he went and washed his feet as the next best
thing.
count on two or three quarrels
such a thing was never known.
White so far forgot himself as to
took him aside and whispered:
There was a general washing up and combing and scrub-
bing and hunting out clean shirts and neckties, and the old
man Payson, who had been sick in bed for a week, got up and
began to chew tobacco and call for his clothes, and he observed:
"Gentlemen, who knows but this widder heard that I had
$60 saved up and she has come here to ask for my hand
in marriage?"
Over a dozen of our band let up a notch or two on swearing,
except when on the other side of the camp.
Well, it was curious what a change that widow wrought in
our camp, in our way of living and upon the manners of the
men. Each one made an effort to clean and slick up, and in
most cases with marked success. Before her advent we could
per day. After her coming
Indeed, one day when Peter
insult Charles O'Gay, Charles
“Petor, I kin turn ye wrong side out in six ticks of a clock,
but I'm not the sort of a gentleman to kick up a row and upset
a lady's nerves. I'll lay it up agin ye, and after she leaves
camp I'll wollop ye or die trying.
22
And the widow, she sewed on buttons and mended rent gar-
564
WIT AND HUMOR.
ments for the whole of us, and she taught this one how to
cook, and that one how to patch and darn, and before we knew
it she was a good mother and an idol. A queen could not
have commanded deeper respect, nor an angel greater rev-
erence.
She was with us about six weeks, and then went away with.
friends who came for her. Each man was taken by the hand
and given a good-bye word, and as she was lost to sight down
the trail the awful silence among our crowd was broken by the
thundering report of the Judge blowing his nose, followed by
the husky observation:
"Well I swan! Hanged if I've felt so much like crying in
about forty-seven years!"
D
Stanley Huntly on the New Baby.
"Well, well, well," said Mr. Spoopendyke, with a grin that
involved his whole head, and an effort at a tip-toe tread that
shook the whole house. "And so it's a girl, my dear."
Mrs. Spoopendyke smiled faintly, and Mr. Spoonendyke
picked up his heiress.
"It's the image of you," she said, regarding with some trepi-
dation Mr. Spoopendyke's method of handling the infant.
"I don't see how you make that out," said Mr. Spoopen-
dyke, gravely. "I don't know when my nose looked like the
thumb part of a boiled lobster claw. Do I understand you
that my eyes bear any resemblance to the head of a screw?
"I mean the general features," murmured Mrs. Spoopen-
dyke.
"The general features seem to be all mouth," retorted Mr.
Spoopendyke, examining his acquisition. "If our general
features are at all alike, my visage must remind you of an
earthquake. Hi! kitchee! kitchee! What makes her fold
up her legs like that?"
WOMEN.
565
"She can't help it," reasoned Mrs. Spoopendyke. "They'll
straighten out in time."
No time like the present," quoted Mr. Spoopendyke, and
he took his daughter's feet and commenced pulling her limbs
"I don't want any bandy-legged first in this family while I'm
at the head of it.”
Naturally the baby began to cry, and Mr. Spoopendyke
essayed to soothe it.
“ Hi ! kitchee ! kitchee ! kitchee-ee !” he chirruped. “ Great
Scott! what a cavern! Any idea how much this mouth
weighs? Hi? kitchee kitch-e-e! You'll have to get that
mouth roofed in before cold weather. What's the matter with
her, anyway?"
"Perhaps you hurt her. Let me take her, please;" pleaded
helpless Mrs. Spoopendyke.
"She's doing well enough. Hi! you! Hold up! Haven't
you anything to catch this mouth in? It's spilling all over the
neighborhood. Hi!. Topsy, Genevieve, Cleopatra, dry up!
I'm going to have trouble breaking this young one's temper, Ï
can see that. Here! bend the other way once!" and Mr.
Spoopendyke tried to straighten up his offspring without avail.
"Let her come to me, do, please," moaned Mrs. Spoopen-
dyke, and Mr. Spoopendyke was forced to hand her over.
'Well, that's quite a baby," said he, nursing his knee and
eyeing the infant. "What're those bumps over its eyes for?
What preponderance of intelligence do they represent? "
"You musn't talk so," remonstrated Mrs. Spoopendyke.
"She's the handsomest child you ever saw."
66
"Well, she's got to stop biting her nails before she goes any
further with this procession. Here, take your hands out of
your mouth, can't you. Why don't you put her hands down ?”
Why, all babies do that,' explained Mrs. Spoopendyke.
"You can't stop that.'
>>
"I'm going to try," said Mr. Spoopendyke, and I don't
want to be interfered with in bringing this child up.
Here
566
WIT AND HUMOR.
you Maud S. Bonesetter, put your hands in your pockets!
Don't let me see any more nail chewing, or you and I'll get
inixed up in an argument. She gets that from your family,
Mrs. Spoopendyke."
Say, dear, don't you want to go and order some things?"
asked Mrs. Spoopendyke."
"No," rejoined her husband; "I want to see this young-
ster. Where's her chin? Do babies always have their upper
jaw set right on their shoulders? Kitchee! kitchee! Her
scalp comes clear to the bridge of her nose. I don't believe
she's quite right. Where's her forehead? Great Moses! Her
head is all on the back part! Say, that baby's got to be
pressed. That's no shape!"
"Get away!" exclaimed Mrs. Spoopendyke, indignantly.
"She's a perfect angel. There's nothing in the world the
matter with her."
"Of course you know," growled Mr. Spoopendyke. "You
don't want anything more than a fog-horn and a misspent ap-
propriation to be an orphan asylum. If I had your faith and
the colic I'd make a living as a foundling's home! She'll be
old enough to spank in a week, won't she?"
"No, she won't!" said Mrs. Spoopendyke. "She'll never
be old enough for that.
""
“I'll bet she will," grunted Mr. Spoopendyke; "if she isn't,
she'll get it before she matures up to that period. That's all.
Let me take her. Here, let's have her.”
But Mrs. Spoopendyke flatly refused.
46
'Keep your dod-gasted baby then!" roared Mr. Spoopen-
dyke. "If you know more about babies than I do, then keep
her. The way you coddle her one would think she was a new
paste for the complexion. If you had one more brain and a han-
dle, you'd make a fair rattle-box! Fit you up with a broken sofa
and a grease spot, and you'd do for a second-hand nursery."
And Mr. Spoopendyke started off to find his friend Speckle-
wottle.
**
WOMEN.
567
The Woman Barberess.
((
Eli Perkins.
Three times I walked by, and finally I formed a courageous
resolution, and, hanging my head as a member of the Young
Men's Christian Association does when he goes into the Mabille
or Harry Hill's, I plunged in. I trembled from head to foot
as soon as I entered the door. I couldn't look the pretty bar-
beress in the face. I couldn't summon up courage enough to
speak to her. In fact, I had nothing to say. So I stood and
looked very sheepish.
"Have a shave, sir?" said the pretty barberess, advancing
with a razor in one hand, and with the other pointing to the
chair.
(C
Yes, shave!" I gasped, and flung myself into a chair.
Why, you've just been shaved!" she said, drawing her
silky palm across my face.
"Have I?" I said, and then recollecting, I stammered,
‘Ah, yes, shaved this morning early. I always shave twice a
day."
66
“Shave close?" asked the pretty girl.
"Yes, the closer the better."
"Hair cut, too?"
"Yes, everything!"
T
And then she commenced. With a little camel's hair brush
she painted my face with white soapsuds. Then she put her
little fingers plump against my face and rubbed it all over.
She stood behind me and put her arms around my neck.
saw her in the glass in front. I never felt so in my life.
"What would my wife say to this?" I thought. "Still every-
body in Detroit does it, and why not I?" So I shut my eyes
and let her go on. After rubbing her velvet fingers over my
cheeks and chin until the beard was softened, she took out a
razor, honed it, and placing one arm clear around my head,
and her hand against my face to steady it, commenced the
downward movement of the blade. Once or twice I tried to
568
WIT AND HUMOR.
look the pretty barberess in the face, but I couldn't. So I sat
and took it with my eyes shut. I don't think I enjoyed it
And still I let her go on. She shaved me, drew her silky
hand all over my face to see if it was closely shaven, and then
combed my hair.
"Shall I wax your mustache, sir?"
"Yes, wax away!
""
1
Then she leaned over me until I could hear her breathe and
feel her heart beat, placed her little fingers under my mustache,
and waxed the ends. Now, I never wear my mustache waxed,
but I couldn't ask her to stop.
"There does it suit?" she said as she dusted off my neck
and removed the apron.
"Yes, its just right-lovely!" I said, "too sweet for any-
thing!" and then strode down to the depot to find the train
just gone, and that this Detroit barberess had caused me to
miss a lecture engagement and a hundred dollar fee.
!
→
CHILDREN'S WIT AND BLUNDERS.
Wisdom, Wit and Pathos.
Ether, when she was four years old, used to like very much
to go to church, and especially enjoys the singing. One day,
the choir sang, "Rock of ages, cleft for me," and after she got
home, the little one was heard singing, very seriously, "Rock
the babies, kept for me.'
""
* *
*
One day, Ethel came home from school, very proud.
"Oh, papa!" she said, "I got up head today in spelling."
"What was the word, Ethel ? "
"Why, tax-t-a-x. The girls didn't know any better than
to spell it t-a-c-k-s.”
A little while afterward, she said:
"I guess I'll stay home and play tomorrow. I'll be foot,
and I can't get any footer."
* *
*
A lady, passing along the street one frosty morning, saw a
little fellow scattering salt upon the pavement, for the purpose.
of melting the ice.
"Well, I'm sure," said the lady, "that's real benevolence."
"Oh, no, ma'am," he replied. "It aint benevolence it's
salt."
-
Eli's Baby Story.
"Lillie, did you say your prayers last night?" asked a
fashionable mother of her sweet little girl who remained home
while the mother went to the charity-ball.
6'
'Yes, mainma, I said 'em all alone.”
569
- 570
WIT AND HUMOR.
1
"But who did you say them to, Lillie, when your nurse was
out with me?"
"Well, mamma, when I went to bed I looked around the
house for somebody to say my prayers to, and there wasr
nobody in the house to say 'em to, and so I said 'em to God'
Our Grandmother.
When Ethel tumbled down and broke a basket of eggs, th
children all cried:
"Oh, Ethel, won't you catch it when your mother sees thos
broken eggs. Won't you, though!"
6
No, I won't tach it, either," said Ethel. I won't tach it a
all. I'z dot a dranmother!"
66
Opie Reed.
Madam, I am looking for a stray horse," said a man, stop-
ing at an Arkansas house and leaning his chin on the top rail
of the fence. "Have you seen anything of him?"
"How long has he been gone?" asked the woman, leaning
against the door-facing, and regarding the man with that look of
curiosity which, in the country, so plainly speaks of the
scarcity of strangers.
Woman's Shrewdness.
66
""
"Been gone about two days.'
"What sort of a horse was he?"
"Roan, with white fetlocks."
"How old was he?"
"About ten years. ""
"Good work-nag I reckon?"
"First-rate."
"Are you certain that he has white fetlocks?'
"Certainly. Have you seen anything of him?"
No; I 'aint seen him."
"Have you heard any one speak of seeing him?"
3
""
CHILDREN.
571
"Yes; since you mention it, I think I have. I heard a
man talk about seeing a roan horse with white fetlocks."
"That's my horse. Do you know the man's name?”
"No."
"Where do you suppose I can find him?"
"You can find him out there at the stable."
The stranger went to the stable, looked around, "halloed,"
and returned to the fence.
'He's not there."
"Not now."
"Didn't you know he wasn't there before I went?"
"Yes; I knew he wasn't there before you went."
"Then what did you send me there for?"
"To see him. I knowed he'd be thar agin you arriv’.”
“I'll be blamed if I understand you.
""
"But who was the man ?
""
""
""
"Now, look here, stranger, you can't make me tell a lie.
You axed me if I'd seed the horse, an' I sed 'no.' You axed
me if I'd heerd anybody speak of the horse, an' I said 'yes.'
You axed me whar you would find the man, an' I told you.
You went thar, an'-
"Yourself, stranger.' And she turned away to rock a
"dug-out" cradle, while the stranger, shoving down a panel of
fence in his anger, turned away and "sauntered" down the
road.
Three Distinguished Females.
Two young ladies of Terre Haute were returning from Cali-
fornia. The parlor car was crowded with passengers. At a
small station a woman in showy attire entered and demanded
ぶ
​a whole section. It was not to be had, and the conductor,
brakeman, porter and cook, who seemed to be impressed with
the new passenger's importance, were all painfully exercised to
know where to put her. The cause of all this commotion was
very blonde, very large, very richly clothed, and very swell.
572
WIT AND HUMOR.
When it seemed impossible to get her a whole section, or even
half a one, she turned to the young ladies and said: "Wil
you consent to take the upper berth of your section and let me
have the lower?"
66
Sorry we can't oblige you,” replied one of the pink-cheeked
fairies, "but really, we prefer to keep the lower berth our
selves."
Then the big blonde straightened herself up, threw ineffable
contempt and importance into her pale eyes, and said: "Per-
haps you don't know who I am?"
"No; we don't," replied the Terre Haute girl, in a tone
of serene indifference.
"I will tell you," said the woman of silk and jewels: "I
am Mrs. Col. Dunlevy Wickersham." (Dunlevy Wickersham
is known all along that end of the road as a bonanza man;
bushels of money, so much that he needs nothing more.)
"Are you, indeed?" replied the Hoosier maiden, "Per-
haps you don't know who I am?"
Mme. Bonanza's face said that she didn't, and also that she
had some curiosity.
"Well, I am Mrs. Gen. Grant."
“And I,” said her companion, who had hitherto kept silent,
"am Queen Victoria."
The Child's Idea of God.
A tiny little fellow living in Albany, N. Y., but away out
on the borders of the city, where circuses did not come or
processions, and who had never seen a soldier in full rig, was
sent to the door by his mother, who heard the bell ring. It
was Colonel Charles Spencer in full regimentals, as it was the
day of the inauguration of the governor.
"Tell your mother, little man," said the colonel, "to please
come to the door a moment; I want to speak to her."
Charlie went up stairs and appeared before his mother, with
the most awe-struck face.
CHILDREN.
573
"Mamma, some one at the door wants to see you.”
"Who is it, my son?
99
"(), I don't know, mamma, but I des its Dod."
Bad Effects from Card Playing.
Eli Perkins.
Ethel's mother was reading her Sabbath school lesson to her
when she came to the verse
"But when they next saw Joseph they found him in a
position of great authority and power, and
"Joseph was King, wasn't he, mamma?" interrupted Ethel.
"No, Ethel, he was not King, but he was very high-next
to the King."
22
32
“O, I know, mamma, he was Jack—Jack high !”
Alas, Ethel had seen too much card playing.
* *
*
"Now, Willie, do have a little courage. When I have a
powder to take I don't like it any more than you do; but I
make up my mind that I will take it, and I do."
"And when I have a powder to take," replied Willie,
make up my mind that I won't take it, and I don't."
**
*
ور
* *
A little four-year old frequently went to the meadow with
her father when he showed visitors his superior cattle, of which
he was proud. One day, she wished to show a visitor her
chickens, of which she, too, was proud. While they were
standing by the coop she said:
"I wish I had more of them, 'cause they are so very booful.
But I've only got five head of hens. You can count them for
yourself.
+
*
"Why, Sainmy," said a fond mother to her little son the
other day, "I didn't know that your teacher whipped you last
Friday."
I guess, " he replied, "if you'd been in my trousers you'd
know'd it. "
574
WIT AND HUMOR.
Childish Simplicity.
"Ethel, you've gotten your dolly all soiled," said her aunt.
"Indeed, Ethel, dolly is quite ugly."
"How can you call my beau'ful dolly ugly?" said Ethel, the
tears coming to her eyes. "Poor dolly!" she continued as
she tenderly kissed the image she loved so well. "Poor dolly.
Perhaps auntie finks 'ou hasn't dot any feelins, but 'ou has.
'Ou isn't an old rubber dolly; 'ou's made of pure sawdust!"
A New Business.
"What does your Pa do now, Mary? Is he in the clothing
business?" asked one little girl of another.
"No, Pa was in the clothing business, but it didn't pay very
well, and Ma says he has gone into bankruptcy."
"What kind of business is the bankruptcy business?"
"O, I don't know exactly, Ethel, but I 'spects it's something
awful nice. Pa used to work awful hard, and used to go around
in his old clothes; but since he has gone into bankruptcy he
dresses up every day and doesn't do anything but walk around
just like a perfect gentleman.
""
Excuse for being Good.
Eli Perkins.
Ethel used to play a good deal in the Sabbath school class.
One day she had been very quiet. She sat up prim and behaved
herself so nicely, that after the recitation was over the teacher
remarked :-
“Ethel, my dear, you were a very good little girl today.”
"Yes 'm. I couldn't help being dood. I dot a tif neck !”
X X
X
"What are wages here?" asked a laborer of a boy.
"I don't know, sir."
"What does your father get on Saturday night?"
"Get !" said the boy, "why he gets as tight as a brick."
CHILDREN.
575
What Frightened Her.
Little Ethel remarked to her mamma on going to bed :
"I am not afraid of the dark.”
"No, of course you are not," replied her mamma.
"I was a little afraid once, when I went into the pantry to
get a tart."
"What were you afraid of?”
"I was afraid I couldn't find the tarts.'
* *
* *
*
A little boy, after watching the burning of the school-house
antil the novelty of the thing had ceased, started down the
street, saying.
"I am glad the old thing is burned down: I didn't have my
jogfry lesson, nohow !”
*
""
Children's Cares.
Little Freddy was riding on the cars with his mother and
dropped one of the peanuts he was eating on the floor. After
he had finished the others he began to climb down to get the
< one on the floor, but his mother stopped him, saying that he
could not have it. Freddy sat still in silence for several minutes.
But he could endure it no longer, and soon a pitiful little voice
piped out :
"Mother, can't I get down on the floor and look at that
peanut?"
"Oh, dear!" said little Ethel, "I have so many cares.
Nothing but trouble all the time.
""
"What has happened now, Ethel?" asked her sympathetic
play-fellow.
"Why, yesterday a little baby sister arrived, and papa is on
a journey. Mamma came very near being gone too. I don't
know what I should have done if mamma hadn't been home to
take care of it!"
576
WIT AND HUMOR.
His Lip Slipped.
Eli Perkins.
Mrs. Hamilton Kerr's little girl, Cookoo, went to Delmon-
co's dancing class, and one day little Freddy Smith kissed her.
"Oh, Cookoo, I'm ashamed to think you should let a little
boy kiss you!" said her mother.
"Well, mamma, I couldn't help it," said Cookoo.
"You couldn't help it?"
"No, mamma. You see Freddy and I were dancing the
polka. Freddy had to stand up close to me, and all at once
his lip slipped and the kiss happened.
Sweet Simplicity
Eli Perkins.
A little Saratoga girl toddled up to a venerable "mother in
Israel" who was leaning over engaged in reading, and, smooth-
ing her little hand cautiously over the old lady's beautiful sil-
ver hair, she said:
"Why, ou has dot such funny hair-ou has." Then, paas-
ing a moment, she looked up and inquired, "What made it so
white?"
"Oh, the frosts of many winters turned it white, my little
girl,” replied the old lady.
"Didn't it hurt ou?" asked the little thing, in childish amaze
It was the first time she had ever seen gray hair.
ment.
Children's Logic.
Eli Perkins.
Now, ma, I have one more father than no little girl,
haven't I?" asked little Ethel in Saratoga.
66
"Yes, pet."
Well, no little girl has three fathers; and if I have one
more father than no little girl, then I must have four fathers.”
"Alas! we've all got forefathers," said my Uncle Con-
sider, "but little Ethel went a step further than us all in her
logic."
K
UHILDREN.
When my Uncle Consider asked Ethel if fashionable young
ladies laced tight so as to show young fellows how much
squeezing they could stand and not hurt 'em, she answered-
"Why, no; it's to show young gentlemen how economical
they are how little waste they can get along with."
S
Ethel's Choice.
Eli Perkins.
A good christian father was trying to convey to his little five-
year-old daughter the idea that she was soon to have a new
brother or sister. A new little baby was coming to the house.
"Now, Ethel," he said, "which would you rather have, a
little brother or a little sister?"
"Can mamma have either one?"
"Yes, Ethel."
"Then, papa, if it don't make any difference to mamma, I'd
rather have a little yellow dog!"
**
-X-
"What makes me love my pretty, delicate, little blue-eyed
boy," said the fond father, as he and the pastor entered the
library, "is that sometimes the tears run down the wrinkles in
my cheeks as I feel fine points touching me to the core, and
wonder if God will let him stay with me very, very-" here
the fond father sat down on a pin and said: "Mariar, where
is that boy? Where is he? If I had him I'd make him feel fine
points, if I would, by gosh!”
X
* *
Ethel, being asked by Sunday-school teacher, "What did
the Israelites do after they crossed the red sea?" answered, "I
don't know, ma'am, but I guess they dried themselves."
Wilkin's Baby Story.
A little six year old Whitehall boy was watching the sun-
beams as they shot through a window and danced diagonally
across the room.
578
WIT AND HUMOR.
"Mamma," said he, "what are those streaks?"
"Those, my son," she replied, "are sunbeams from heaven."
"Oh, I know what they are for, mamma," said the little
fellow, who had been sliding down beams in the barn-loft,
"they are what God slides the babies down on, when he sends
'em to folks."
A Boston Girl.
The following shows at how early an age people born at the
"Hub" take on their self-consciousness:
Not many days since, in Chicago, a young lady of ten
summers was engaged watering the plants on the lawn. A
Chicago lady stopped at the garden gate, and the following
dialogue occurred:
<<
'Sissy, is Mrs. Wood at home?"
"Did you address ine, madam?" (severely).
"Yes; I asked is Mrs. Wood at home."
"No, madam, Mrs. Wood is my aunt, and Mrs. Wood is
not at home.”
"Will you tell her Mrs. Mason called?"
"Certainly, inadam," (graciously).
"You won't forget the name?"
"Certainly not, madam. I am not much acquainted here,
but I shall remember the name; I am a Boston girl.” And
she serenely continued to water the flowers.
Why, Abby, Why?
"Mother," cried little Abby, running into the sitting-room,
"I want a little walnut bedstead like Jennie Day's. I hate
pine furniture."
The mother went on with her mending, and did not speak.
"Say, mother, can I have one?"
"No, my dear child, you cannot."
"Why, mother? Say why," repeated the child pettishly.
CHILDREN.
579
+
Still there was no answer.
"I know the reason; it is because we are poor!" said the
little girl with a frown.. "I hate to be poor and not have
pretty things like Jennie's. Why are we so poor, mother? say
why?"
"We have
"We are not poor, Abby," said the mother.
all the comforts of life."
66
"Then why".
"Wait a moment till I ask "Why?"" said the good woman.
Why, when Jesus, who has all power in heaven and earth,
was cradled in a manger, and in manhood had nowhere to
lay his head, should you, an ungrateful child, have that sunny
little room with a soft bed, and all those pretty little things
about you? Why? say why, my dear child."
Little Abby thought a moment of the manger of Christ's
infancy, and the homelessness of his manhood; then she
dropped her head and blushed with shame.
She went up to her own little room. The sun was shining
through the white curtains, her pillow looked pure as snow,
and the room itself seemed like one in a fairy palace. She
whispered to herself, "This isn't much like a manger. Why
has God given me such a home and such kind parents to care
for me? I will try to be thankful and good, and not envy rich
children any more."
**
*
"Will the boy who threw that pepper on the stove please
come up here and get the present of a nice book?" said the
school teacher, but the boy never moved.
He was a far-seeing boy.
**
f
A little boy, while warming his hands over the kitchen fire,
was remonstrated with by his father, who said:
"Go 'way from the stove; the weather is not cold.”
The little fellow, looking up at his stern parent, demurely
replied:
66
"I ain't heating the weather; I'm warming my hands.”
580
WIT AND HUMOR.
A
Of Course Not.
El Perkins.
"Here, boys," exclaimed a kind old grandma, "I wouldn'
slide down those banisters. I wouldn't do it."
"You wouldn't do it, grandma? Why, you couldn't!" ex
claimed little Tommy.
* *
*
"Dan," said a young four-year old," give me a sixpence tc
buy a monkey?"
"We have got one monkey in the house now," replied the
"elder brother.
"Who is it, Dan?" asked the little fellow.
"You," was the reply.
"Then give me sixpence to buy the monkey some nuts."
The Same Story By Another Writer.
To show how two writers handle the same subject, I append
this:
"Edward, what do I hear-that you have disobeyed your
grandmother who told you just now not to jump down these
steps?"
Grandina didn't tell us not to, papa; she only came to
the door and said: 'I wouldn't jump down those steps, boys';
and I shouldn't think she would — an old lady like her!"
Q
Bound To Tell.
At a dinner party the little son of the host and hostess was
allowed to come down to dessert. Having had what his
mother considered a sufficiency of fruit, he was told he must
not have any more, when, to the surprise of every one of the
guests, he exclaimed :
"If you don't give me some more, I'll tell !”
A fresh supply was at once given him, and as soon as it was
CHILDREN.
581
·
finished he repeated his threat; whereupon he was suddenly
and swiftly removed from the room, but he had just time to
convulse the company by exclaiming :
(6
My new trousers are made out of ma's old bedroom cur-
tains." Boston Herald.
6
Getty
Ignorant Teachers.
When Ethel was five years old she went to school for the
first time.
"How do you like your teacher, Ethel?" asked her mamma.
Why, mamma, I don't think the teacher knows very
much."
66
Why not, my dear?"
"Why, she keeps asking questions all the time. She asked
where the Mississippi river was.”
(6
{
The Smell Accounted For.
"What makes such a bad smell about the postoffice?" asked
one gentleman of another.
"I know, pa," interrupted little Johnny.
"What, my son ?”
Why, it's the dead letters.'
* *
X
While Dr. Mary Walker was lecturing lately in one of our
rural towns, it is said that a youth cried out:
"Are you the Mary that had a little lamb?"
"No!" was the reply, "but your mother had a little jack-
ass!"
* *
*
"Mother, can I go out and have my photograph taken ?"
"No, I guess it isn't worth while.”
"Well, then, you might let me go and have a tooth pulled
out; I never go anywhere."
Fouching Grandma's Heart.
Eli Perkins.
"Gran'ma,” said a sweet boy of nine years, "how old are
you?"
"About sixty-six," said the grandmother, fondly smoothing
his yellow hair.
"You'll die soon, won't you, gran'ma?"
"Yes, dear, I expect to."
"And when I die, gran'ma, can I be buried side of you?”
Yes, dear," said she, as her heart warmed towards the
66
little one, whom she folded closer in her arms.
"Gran'ma," softly whispered the little rogue, "gim'me 10
cents.".
Beecher's Tommy Taft.
On the first day of March it was, that Tommy Taft had been
unquietly sleeping in the forenoon, to make up for a disturbed
night. The little noisy clock-that regarded itself as the essence
of a Yankee, and ticked with immense alacrity and struck in
the most bustling and emphatic manner-this industrious and
moral clock began striking whir-r-r one; whir-r-r two; whir-r-r
three (Tommy jerked his head a little as if something vexed
him in his sleep); whir-r-r four; whir-r-r five; whir-r-r six;
("Keep still, will ye? Let me alone, old woman! Confound
your medicine !"); whir-r-r seven; whir-r-r eight; (“God in
heaven! as sure as I live," said Tommy, rubbing his eyes as if
to make sure they saw aright); whir-r-r nine; whir-r-r ten!
Then holding out his arms with the simplicity of a child, his
face fairly glowing with joy, and looking now really noble, he
cried: "Barton-my boy Barton-I knew you wouldn't let the
old man die and not help him! I knew it! I knew it!
""
After the first surprise of joy subsided, Tommy pushed Bar-
ton from the edge of his bed. "Stand up, boy; turn round.
CHILDREN.
583.
There he is! Now I'm all right. Got my pilot aboard; sealed
orders; ready to sail the minnit the hawser's let go.
""
After a few words about his return from the West, his health
and prospects, the old man returned to the subject that seemed
to lie nearest his heart. "They've all had a hand at me, Bar-
ton. There's twenty firms in this town that is willin' to give a
feller sailin' orders, when they see he's out'ard bound. But I
am an old salt-I know my owners!" said Tommy, with an
affectionate wink at Barton. "Ah, my boy, you're back again;
it's all right now. Don' you let me go wrong. I want you to
tell me just where you're goin', and I'll bear right up for that
port. You know, Barton, I never cheated you when you was
a boy. I took care of ye, and never told you a lie in my life,
and never got you in a scrape. You won't cheat an old man
now, will ye?"
It was all that Barton could do to maintain his self-posses-
sion. Tears and smiles kept company on his face. "My dear
old Tommy, we won't part company. We're both bound to
the same land. God will, I fervently hope, for Christ's sake,
forgive all our sins, and make us meet for everlasting life."
“Go on. You really
"Amen!" roared out the old man.
believe in it? Come here, Barton, sit down on the edge of the
bed, look me in the face, and no flummery. Do you really
believe that there's another world?"
"I do, Tommy, I believe it in my very soul."
seen, but he
D'ye believe
"That's enough. I believe it, too, jest as sartain as if a
shipmate had told me about an island I'd never
had. Now, Barton, give me the bearin's of 't.
that there's a Lord that helps a poor feller to it?”
"I do. Christ loves me and you, and all of us.
all who trust in Him."
up on me, Barton, just to please me, but tell
on 't. I believe every word you say."
He saves
"He don't stand on particulars, then? He won't rip up all
a feller's old faults, will He? Or how's that? Don't
you ease
me the hardest
41
584
WIT AND HUMOR.
Barton's own soul had traveled on the very road on which
Tommy was now walking, and remembering his own experi-
ence, he repeated to Tommy these words: "Who is a God
like unto Thee, that pardoneth iniquity, and passeth by the
transgression of the reninant of His heritage? He retaineth not
His anger forever, because He delighteth in mercy. He will
turn again; He will have compassion upon us; He will subdue
our iniquities; and Thou wilt cast all their sins into the depth
of the sea.'"-Micah vii, 18, 19.
"Now that's to the p'int, Barton. The Lord will tumble a
feller's sins overboard like rubbish, or bilge-water and the like,
when a ship is in the middle of the ocean? Well, it would
puzzle a feller to find 'em ag'in after that. Is that all? I'm to
report to Him?"
"Yes, Tommy; you are to report to God."
"Barton, would ye jest as lief do me a little favor as not?"
"What is it, Taft?"
"Would ye mind sayin' a little prayer for me? It makes no
difference, of course; but jest a line of introduction in a foreign
port sometimes helps a feller amazingly."
Barton knelt by the bedside and prayed. Without reflecting
at the moment on Uncle Tommy's particular wants, Barton
was following in prayer the line of his own feelings, when sud-
denly he felt Tommy's finger gently poking his head. "I say,
Barton, ain't you steerin' a p'int or two off the course? I don't
seem to follow you." A few earnest, simple petitions followed,
which Taft seemed to relish. "Lord, forgive Tominy Taft's
sins!" ("Now you've hit it," said the old man, softly.)
“Prepare him for Thy kingdom." ("Yes, and Barton, too!”)
"May he feel Thy love, and trust his soul in Thy sacred keep-
ing.' ("Ah, ha! that's it; you're in the right spot now.")
"Give him peace while he lives." ("No matter about that;
the doctor'll give me opium for that! Go on!") "And at
his death save his soul in Thy kingdom, for Christ's sake.
Amen."
CHILDREN.
585
"Amen. But didn't you coil it away rather too quick?
Now, Barton, my boy, you've done a good thing. I've been
waitin' for you all winter, and you didn't come a minit too
soon. I'm tired now, but I want to say one thing. Barton,
when I'm gone, you won't let the old woman suffer? She's
had a pretty hard time of it with me. I knew you would.
One thing more, Barton," said the old man, his voice sinking
almost to a whisper, as if speaking a secret from the bottom of
his soul. "Barton, you know I never had much money. I
never laid up any-couldn't. Now, you won't let me come on
to the town for a funeral, will ye? I should hate to be buried
in a pine coffin, at town expense, and have folks laugh that
didn't dare open their heads to me when I was round town!"
Barton could not forbear smiling as the old man, growing
visibly feebler every hour, went on revealing traits which his
sturdy pride had covered when he was in health.
"And, Barton, I wish you'd let the children come when I
am buried. They'll come, if you'll jest let 'em know. Al-
ways trust the children. And "-(pain here checked his
utterance for a moment)-"let's see, what was I saying? Oh,
the children. I don't want nothin' said. But if you'd jest
as lief let the children sing one of their hymns, I should
relish it."
The color came suddenly to his cheek, and left as suddenly.
He pressed his hand upon his heart, and leaned his head fur-
ther over on his pillow, as if to wait till the pang passed. It
seemed long. Barton rose and leaned over him. The old
man opened his eyes, and with a look of ineffable longing,
whispered:
"Kiss me.”
A faint smile dwelt about his mouth; his face relaxed and
seemed to express happiness in its rugged features. But the
old man was not there. Without sound of wings or footfall,
he had departed on his last journey.
586
WIT AND HUMOR.
Children Half Price.
Eli Perkins.
One day I took a crowd of children in Saratoga down to
see Ben the educated pig. Among them was little Johnny
Wall, who has always been troubled because he had no little
sisters to play with. When he asked his mother to get him a
little sister, she always put him off with:
"Yes, Johnny, when children get cheap I'll buy you a little
sister. You must wait."
"So today when Mr. Jarvis read these letters on Educated
Ben's tent
Children half price-15 cents.
little Johnny jumped straight up and down, clapped his hands,
and exclaimed:
66 'Oh, Untle Eli? now mamma can buy a itty sister for me,
for itty children ain't only half price now- only 15 cents."
* *
*
"Now, children," said a teacher, "I want you to be very
still, so that you can hear a pin drop." In a moment all was
silent, when a little boy cried out: "Let it drop!
""
X X
X
66
My da
"I thought you could make good photographs!" exclaimed
a fond mother as she looked at Johnny's picture.
"I can, madame," answered the photographer.
"But this makes my boy look like an idiot.”
Well, I have to, to preserve the likeness. You wouldn't
spoil the likeness, would you? You want people to say it's
your boy, don't you?"
Ambitious Children.
When Johnny came back, his mother showed him a picture
of a jackass with long ears in a picture-book, when this col-
loquy occurred:
CHILDREN.
587
"Does ou see itty dackass, mamma, stan'in' all loney in ze
picsur?" asked the little three-year old.
"Yes, dear."
"Oh, mamma, Nursey been tellin' Donney all about itty
dackass. He ha-n't any mamma to make him dood, an' no
kind nursey 't all. Poor itty dackass hasn't dot no Bidzet to
dess him c'ean an' nice, an' he hasn't any overtoat yike
Donney's 't all. Oo solly, mamma?"
66
'Yes, dear, I am very sorry. Poor itty dackass! Dot
nobody 't all to turl his hair pritty, has he, Donney? an' he
hasn't dot no soos or tockies on his foots. Dot to yun all day
in 'e dirt. Tan't ever be put to seepy in his itty beddy 't all,
'n-"
"O mamma!" interrupted Johnny.
(6
What, baby?"
"I wiss I was a itty dackass."
**
*
"Why were you late this morning, sir?" said the teacher
rather sharply.
66
'Well, sir, you see I heard that a little fellow next door
to us was goin' to have a dressin' down with a bed-cord, and
so I waited to hear him howl."
**
*
A remarkable game of cards was played in the basement of
a house on Washington street yesterday. The boy of the
house had just turned up a diamond and was waiting for the
other boy to lead, when the old man appeared at the head of
the stairs, ordered the other boy up, turned up his own boy,
discarded some of his apparel, and swung a club. The old
man played it alone, and made every point, although the
neighbor's boy cut.-Henry Ward Beecher.
**
-X-
"Johnnie," said mamma to her little son, "didn't I tell you
not to eat that candy until after dinner?"
"Johnnie, who lisps: "I ain't eating the candy, I'm only
thucking the juithe."
588
WIT AND HUMOR.
↑
A Retentive Memory.
A girl and a boy, each about seven years old, were seated
amid their grown relatives, and talking of things which had
occurred at the remotest period of their recollection. The
little girl remembered when she had a doll that could cry.
The boy here spoke up and said he recollected worse than that.
"How worse?" said half-a-dozen voices in a breath.
66
Why, I recollect four weeks afore I was born, and I cried
all the time for fear I'd be a gal."
* X
-X-
"Bob Brown, did you say that my father had not as much
sense as Billy Smith's little yellow dog?"
"No; I never said any such thing. I never said that your
father had not as much sense as Billy Smith's little yellow dog.
All I said was, that Billy's little yellow dog had more sense
than your father; that's all I ever said."
66
Well, it's well you didn't say the other, I can tell you!"
X X
*
"What has a cat that no other animal has?" asked Ethel of
a proud naturalist who had been reading an article on “natu-
ral selection."
66
Why a cat has nothing that no other animal has. It were
impossible."
""
"Yes they has, sir!
"What, my child?”
"Why, they has kittens."
Children's Compositions.
One day (writes Eli Perkins), little Ethel wrote a composition
on pins. It ran thus:
Composition on Pins.
Pins is a very useful thing. Pins haz saved the lives of
hundreds and hundreds of people, and
CHILDREN.
589
"Why, Ethel !" I interrupted, "how have pins ever saved
people's lives?"
С،
Why, by their not, swallowing thein, papa.
My mother used to show me a composition which I wrote at
the age of seven. It ran thus:
""
Not Fit to be Kissed.
Composition on Eels.
A eel is a fish with his tail all the way up to his ears. Never
fool with powder, Eli Perkins.
"What ails papa, mother?" said a sweet little girl,
Her bright laugh revealing her teeth white as pearl,
"I love him, and kiss him, and sit on his knee,
But the kisses don't smell good when he kisses me!"
But, mama"-her eyes opened wide as she spoke—
"Do you like those kisses of 'bacco and smoke?
"
They might do for boys, but for ladies and girls
I don't think them nice," as she tossed her bright curis.
"Don't nobody's papa have moufs nice and clean?
With kisses like yours, mama-that's what I mean;
I want to kiss papa, I love him so well,
But kisses don't taste good that have such a smell
"It's nasty to smoke, and eat 'bacco, and spit,
And the kisses ain't good and sweet, not a bit,"
And her blossom-like face wore a look of disgust
As she gave out her verdict, so earnest and just.
"Yes, yes, little darling! your wisdom has seen
That kisses for daughters and wives should be clean;
For kisses lose something of nectar and bliss,
From mouths that are tainted and unfit for a kiss."
X X
"What can I do for you, Ethel, to induce you to go to bed
now?" asked a mamma of her five-year old girl.
"You can let me sit up a little longer," was the innocent
response.
J
1
590
WIT AND HUMOR.
}
Don't Check the Boys.
Little Frankie F. was astride the sofa-cushion, and was mak-
ing his steed apparently take a 2:40 pace, with kicks and slashes
of his whip, and yelling at the top of his lungs. His poor
mother bore it awhile, and then said, sternly:
"Frankie! stop making a noise! Drive your horse if you
want to, but be still."
It was very quiet for awhile, and Frankie's mother looked
around to see her boy sitting astride the sofa-cushion, but the
tears rolling down his cheeks.
"Why, Frankie, what is the matter?" Frankie sobbed out:
"I can't make him go, mamma, unless I holler to him.
It's all inside of me, and if it don't come out, I shall burst!
""
(6
**
*
Well, I swan, Billy," said an old farmer to an undersized
nephew who was visiting him, "when you take off that 'ere
plug hat and spit two or three times, there ain't much left of
you, is there?”
* *
-X-
A boy who discovered a cucumber growing on the vines, ran
excitedly into the house exclaiming :
"Mamma, mamma, we've got a pickle on our squash !"
Childish Simplicity.
Two little girls, one eight years old, the other six, sleep in
the same chamber. In the morning the oldest one says:
66
'O, I have had such a nice dream !”
"What was it?"
"I was in a large pastry-cook shop, and I ate as many
cakes, strawberry-tarts and bonbons as I wanted."
"Was I with you?" asked the little one.
"No."
And the little one began to sob..
CHILDREN.
591
The Bad Milwaukee Boy.
George Peck.
"But what ails your pa's teeth? asked the grocery man of
the bad boy. "The hired girl was over here to get some corn
meal for gruel, and she said your pa was gumming it, since he
lost his teeth."
""
“O, about the teeth. That was too bad. You see my chum
has got a dog that is old, and his teeth have all come out in
front, and this morning I borried pa's teeth before he got up,
to see if we couldn't fix them in the dog's mouth, so he could
eat better. Pa says it is an evidence of a kind heart for a boy
to be good to dumb animals, but its a darn mean dog that
will go back on a friend. We tied the teeth in the dog's
mouth with a string that went around his upper jaw, and
another around his under jaw, and you'd a dide to see how
funny he looked when he laffed. He looked just like pa
when he tries to smile so as to get me to come up to him
so he can lick me. The dog pawed his mouth a spell to
get the teeth out, and then we gave him a bone with some
meat on, and he began to gnaw the bone, and the teeth came
off the plate, and he thought it was pieces of the bone, and he
swallowed the teeth. My chum noticed it first, and he said
we had got to get in our work pretty quick to save the plates,
and I think we were in luck to save them. I held the dog,
and my chum, who was better acquainted with him, untied
the strings and got the gold plates out, but there were only
two teeth left, and the dog was happy. He woggled his tail
for more teeth, but we hadn't any more. I am going to give
him ma's teeth some day. My chum says when a dog gets an
appetite for anything you have got to keep giving it to hin, or
he goes back on you. But I think my chum played dirt on
We sold the gold plates to a jewelry man, and my chum
kept the money. I think, as long as I furnished the goods, he
ought to have given me something besides the experience, don't
you? After this I don't have any more partners, you bet."
me.
42
592
WIT AND HUMOR.
All this time the boy was marking on a piece of paper, and
soon after he went out the grocery man noticed a crowd out-
side, and on going out he found a sign hanging up which
read, "Wormy Figs for Parties."
X X
*
When Ethel was a little girl with eyes brimful of loveliness,
and face rippling with fun and mischief, she heard her mama
say a "bce alighted on her cheek."
"Why, mama," she said softly, "the bee took it for a
flower-it is so tweet."
Mark Twain on the First San Francisco Baby.
Once I dined in San Francisco with the family of a pioneer,
and talked with his daughter, a young lady whose first exper-
ience in San Francisco was an adventure, though she herself
did not remember it, as she was only two or three years old at
the time. Her father said that, after landing from the ship,
they were walking up the street, a servant leading the party
with the little girl in her arms. And presently a huge miner,
bearded, belted, spurred, and bristling with deadly weapons-
just down from a long campaign in the mountams, evidently--
barred the way, stopped the servant, and stood gazing, with a
face all alive with gratification and astonishment. Then he
said, reverently:
"Well, if it ain't a child!" And then he snatched a little
leather sack out of his pocket and said to the servant :
"There's a hundred and fifty dollars in dust, there, and I'll
give it to you to let me kiss the child !"
That anecdote is true.-Mark Twain.
Johnnie's Arithmetic.
"Johnnie, if I should give you one cat and Mr. Smith should
give you another, how many would you have?"
"Well, I'd try to have six."
CHILDREN.
593
´SSSSSS
Sympathy.
"Only fancy, mamma," said Maud, "Uncle Jack took us to
a picture gallery in Bond street, and there was a picture of a lot
of early Christians, poor dears, who'd been thrown to a lot of
lions and tigers, who were devouring them!" Ethel (with more
sympathy), "Yes, and mainına dear, there was one poor
starving tiger that hadn't got a Christian."
**
*
SSSSSSSSSSSSO
-I-
}}
SSSSSS
LITTLE ETHEL'S PICTURE OF HER PApa.
Stay Out of Danger.
Eli Perkins.
"Father," said Johnnie, who was sawing wood, "they say
fish bite first-rate now."
"Who have they bitten lately, Johnnie?"
"I mean they bite the hooks.”
"Well, you just stay right here, my son, sawing the wood,
nd don't go near the river, and they won't bite you."
How the Baby Grew.
"Uncle John," said little Emily, "do you know that a baby that
was fed on elephant's milk, gained twenty pounds in oneweek?"
"Nonsense! Impossible!" exclaimed Uncle John; and
then he asked: "Whose baby was it?"
"The elephant's," said the little girl.
:
594
WIT AND HUMOR.
Playing Cars.
Little two-year old Etta often amuses herself by placing the
chairs in a row and calling them a train of cars.
One evening, while thus engaged, I called, and unthinkingly
occupied one of the "cars." Miss Etta, not wishing to have
her play disturbed, stepped up and said:
"Mister Pertins, dis is a train of tars."
"Oh!" said I, "then I'll be a passenger and take a ride,
Miss Etta."
Little Etta was not at all satisfied. After hesitating a
moment, she said: "Where do 'ou want to dit off, Mister
Pertins?"
+
"I'll get off at Bloomington," I replied.
"Well, Mister Pertins," said Etta, demurely, "dis is de
place.'
""
Mark Twain's Bad Little Boy.
Once there was a bad little boy whose name was Jim-
though if you will notice, you will find that bad little boys are
nearly always called Jaines in your Sunday school books. It
was strange, but still it was true that this one was called Jim.
He didn't have any sick mother either a sick mother who
was pious and had the consumption, and would be glad to lie
down in the grave and be at rest but for the strong love she
bore her boy, and the anxiety she felt that the world might be
harsh and cold towards him when she was gone. Most bad
boys in the Sunday books are named James, and have sick
mothers, who teach them to say "Now, I lay me down," etc.,
and sing them to sleep with sweet, plaintive voices, and then
kiss them good night and kneel down by the bedside and
weep. But it was different with this fellow. He was named
Jim, and there wasn't anything the matter with his mother-
no consumption, nor anything of that kind. She was rather
stout than otherwise, and she was not pious; moreover, she
11
CHILDREN.
595
She said if he were to
was not anxious on Jim's account.
break his neck it wouldn't be much loss. She always spanked
Jim to sleep, and she never kissed him good night; on the
contrary, she boxed his ears when she was ready to leave him.
Once this bad little boy stole the key of the pantry, and
slipped in there and helped himself to some jam, and filled
up the vessel with tar, to that his mother would never know
the difference; but all at once a terrible feeling didn't come
over him, and something didn't seem to whisper to him, "Is
it right to disobey my mother? Isn't it sinful to do this?
Where do bad little boys go to who gobble up their good kind
mother's jain?" and then he didn't kneel down all alone and
promise never to be wicked any more, and rise up with a light,
happy heart, and go and tell his mother all about it, and
beg her forgiveness, and be blessed by her with tears of pride
and thankfulness in her eyes.
No; that is the way with all other bad boys in the books ;
but it happened otherwise with this Jim, strangely enough.
He ate that jain, and said it was bully, in his sinful, vulgar
way; and he put in the tar, and said that was bully also, and
laughed, and observed "that the old woman would get up and
snort" when she found it out; and when she did find it out, he
denied knowing anything about it, and she whipped him
severely, and he did the crying himself. Everything about
this boy was curious-everything turned out differently with
him from the way it does to the bad Jameses in the books.
Once he climbed up in Farmer Acorn's apple-tree to steal
apples, and the limb didn't break, and he didn't fall and break
his arm, and get torn by the farmer's great dog, and then
languish on a sick bed for weeks, and repent and become good.
Oh, no; he stole as many apples as he wanted, and came
down all right; and he was all ready for the dog, too, and
knocked him endways with a brick when he came to tear him.
It was very strange-nothing like it ever happened in those
mild little books with marbled backs, and with pictures in
596
WIT AND HUMOR.
them of men with swallow-tailed coats and bell-crowned
hats, and pantaloons that are short in the legs, and women
with the waists of their dresses under their arms, and no
hoops on. Nothing like it in any of the Sunday school books.
Once he stole the teacher's pen-knife, and, when he was
afraid it would be found out and he would get whipped, he
slipped it into George Wilson's cap-poor widow Wilson's
son, the moral boy, the good little boy of the village, who
always obeyed his mother, and never told an untruth, and was
fond of his lessons and infatuated with Sunday school. And
when the knife dropped from the cap, and poor George hung
his head and blushed, as if in conscious guilt, and the grieved
teacher charged the theft upon him, and was just in the very
act of bringing the switch down upon his trembling shoulders,
a white-haired, improbable justice of the peace did not sud-
denly appear in their midst, and strike an attitude and say,
"Spare this noble boy-there stands the cowering culprit! I
was passing the school-door at recess, and unseen myself, I
saw the theft committed !" And then Jim didn't get whaled,
and the venerable justice didn't read the tearful school a
homily, and take George by the hand and say such a boy
deserved to be exalted, and then tell him to come and make
his home with him, and sweep out the office, and make fires,
and run errands, and chop wood, and study law, and help his
wife do household labors, and have all the balance of the time
to play, and get forty cents a month, and be happy. No; it
would have happened that way in the books, but it didn't hap-
pen that way to Jim. No meddling old clam of a justice
dropped in to make trouble, and so the model boy George got
thrashed, and Jim was glad of it because, you know, Jim
hated moral boys. Jim said he was "down on them milk-
sops." "Such was the coarse language of this bad, neglected
boy.
But the strangest thing that ever happened to Jim was the
time he went boating on Sunday, and didn't get drowned, and
CHILDREN.
597
that other time that he got caught out in the storm when he
was fishing on Sunday, and didn't get struck by lightning.
Why, you might look, and look, all through the Sunday school
books from now till next Christinas, and you would never
come across anything like this. Oh no; you would find that
all the bad boys who go boating on Sunday invariably get
drowned; and all the bad boys who get caught out in storms
when they are fishing on Sunday, infallibly get struck by
lightning. Boats with bad boys in them always upset on
Sunday, and it always storms when bad boys go fishing on
the Sabbath. How this Jim ever escaped is a mystery
to me.
This Jim bore a charmed life-that must have been the way
of it. Nothing could hurt him. He even gave the elephant
in the menagerie a plug of tobacco, and the elephant didn't
knock the top of his head off with his trunk. He browsed
around the cupboard after essence of peppermint, and didn't
make a mistake and drink aqua fortis. He stole his father's
gun and went hunting on the Sabbath, and didn't shoot three
or four of his fingers off. He struck his little sister on the
temple with his fist when he was angry, and she didn't linger
in pain through long summer days, and die with sweet words
of forgiveness upon her lips that redoubled the anguish of his
breaking heart. No; she got over it. He ran off and went
to sea at last, and didn't come back and find himself sad and
alone in the world, his loved ones sleeping in the quiet church-
yard, and the vine-embowered home of his boyhood tumbled
down and gone to decay. Ah, no; he came home as
drunk as
a piper, and got into the station-house the first
thing.
And he grew up and married, and raised a large family, and
brained them all with an axe one night, and got wealthy by all
manner of cheating and rascality; and now he is the infernalist
wickedest scoundrel in his native village, and is universally
respected, and belongs to the Legislature.
598
WIT AND HUMOR.
So
you see there never was a bad James in the Sunday school
books that had such a streak of luck as this sinful Jim with the
charmed life.
Mark Twain's Good Little Boy.
ens.
Once there was a good little boy by the name of Jacob Bliv
He always obeyed his parents, no matter how absurd
and unreasonable their demands were; and he always learned
his book, and never was late at Sabbath-school. He would not
play bookey, even when his sober judgment told him it was the
most profitable thing he could do. None of the other boys
could ever make that boy out, he acted so strangely. He
wouldn't lie, no matter how convenient it was. He just said
it was wrong to lie, and that was sufficient for him. And he
was so honest that he was simply ridiculous. The curious
ways that that Jacob had surpassed everything. He wouldn't
play marbles on Sunday, he wouldn't rob birds' nests, he
wouldn't give hot pennies to organ-grinders' monkeys; he
didn't seem to take any interest in any kind of rational amuse-
ment. So the other boys used to try to reason it out and
come to an understanding of him, but they couldn't arrive at
any satisfactory conclusion. As I said before, they could only
figure out a sort of vague idea that he was "afflicted," and so
they took him under their protection, and never allowed any
harm to come to him.
This good little boy read all the Sunday-school books; they
were his greatest delight. This was the whole secret of it.
He believed in the good little boys they put in the Sunday.
school books; he had every confidence in them. He longed
to come across one of them alive, once; but he never did.
They all died before his time, maybe. Whenever he read
about a particularly good one he turned over quickly to the
end to see what became of him, because he wanted to travel
thousands of miles and gaze on him; but it wasn't any use:
that good little boy always died in the last chapter, and there
CHILDREN.
599
was a picture of the funeral, with all his relations and the
Sunday-school children standing around the grave in panta-
loons that were too short, and bonnets that were too large,
and everybody crying into handkerchiefs that had as much as
a yard and a half of stuff in them. He was always headed off
'n this way. He never could see one of those good little boys
on account of his always dying in the last chapter.
Jacob had a noble ambition to be put in a Sunday-school
book. He wanted to be put in with pictures representing him
gloriously declining to lie to his mother, and her weeping for
joy about it; and pictures representing him standing on the
doorstep giving a penny to a poor beggar-woman with six
children, and telling her to spend it freely, but not to be ex-
travagant, because extravagance is a sin; and pictures of him
magnanimously refusing to tell on the bad boy who always
lay in wait for him around the corner as he came from school,
and welted him over the head with a lath, and then chased
him home, saying, "Hi! hi!" as he proceeded. That was
the ambition of young Jacob Blivens. He wished to be put
in a Sunday-school book. It made him feel a little uncomfort-
able sometimes when he reflected that the good little boys
always died. He loved to live, you know, and this was the
most unpleasant feature about being a Sunday-school book boy.
He knew it was not healthy to be good. He knew it was
more fatal than consumption to be so supernaturally good as
the boys in the books were; he knew that none of them had
ever been able to stand it long, and it pained him to think that
if they put him in a book he wouldn't ever see it, or even if
they did get the book out before he died it wouldn't be popular
without any picture of his funeral in the back part of it. It
couldn't be much of a Sunday-school book that couldn't tell
about the advice he gave to the community when he was dying.
So at last, of course, he had to make up nis mind to do the
best he could under the circumstances to live right, and
wa k
-
600
WIT AND HUMOR.
nang on as long as he could, and have his dying speech all
ready when his time came.
But somehow nothing ever went right with this good little
boy; nothing ever turned out with him the way it turned out
with the good little boys in the books. They always had a
good time, and the bad boys had the broken legs, but in his
case there was a screw loose somewhere, and it all happened
just the other way. When he found Jim Blake stealing apples,
and went under the tree to read to him about the bad little boy
who fell out of a neighbor's apple-tree and broke his arm, Jim
fell out of the tree too, but he fell on him, and broke his arm,
and Jim wasn't hurt at all. Jacob couldn't understand that.
There wasn't anything in the books like it.
And once, when some bad boys pushed a blind man over in
the mud, and Jacob ran to help him up and receive his bless-
ing, the blind man did not give him any blessing at all, but
whacked him over the head with his stick and said he would
like to catch him shoving him again, and then pretending to
help him up. This was not in accordance with any of the
books. Jacob looked them all over to see.
One thing that Jacob wanted to do was to find a lame dog
that hadn't any place to stay and was hungry and persecuted,
and bring him home and pet him and have that dog's imper-
ishable gratitude. And at last he found one and was happy;
and be brought him home and fed him, but when he was
going to pet him the dog flew at him and tore all the clothes
off him except those that were in front, and made a spectacle
of him that was astonishing. He examined authorities, but
he could not understand the matter. It was of the same breed
of dogs that was in the books, but it acted very differently.
Whatever this boy did he got into trouble. The very things
the boys in the books got rewarded for turned out to be about
the most unprofitable things he could invest in.
Once, when he was on his way to Sunday-school, he saw
some bad boys starting off pleasuring in a sail-boat. He was
CHILDREN.
601
filled with consternation, because he knew from reading that
boys who went sailing on Sunday invariably got drowned. So
he ran out on a raft to warn them, but a log turned with him
and slid him into the river. A man got him out pretty soon,
and the doctor pumped the water out of him, and gave him a
fresh start with his bellows, but he caught cold and lay sick
abed nine weeks. But the most unaccountable thing about it
was that the bad boys in the boat had a good time all day, and
then reached home alive and well in the most surprising
manner, Jacob Blivens said there was nothing like these things
in the books. He was perfectly dumfounded.
When he got well he was a little discouraged, but he resolved
to keep on trying anyhow. He knew that so far his experience
wouldn't do to go in a book, but he hadn't yet reached the
allotted term of life for good little boys, and he hoped to be
able to make a record yet if he could hold on till his time was
fully up. If everything else failed he had his dying speech to
fall back on.
He examined his authorities, and found that it was now time
for him to go to sea as a cabin-boy. He called on a ship cap-
tain and made his application, and when the captain asked for
his recommendations he proudly drew out a tract and pointed
to the words, "To Jacob Blivens, from his affectionate teacher."
But the captain was a course, vulgar man, and he said, "Oh,
that be blowed! that wasn't any proof that he knew how to
wash dishes or handle a slush-bucket, and he guessed he didn't
want him." This was altogether the most extraordinary thing
that ever happened to Jacob in all his life. A compliment
from a teacher, on a tract, had never failed to move the tender-
est emotions of ship captains, and open the way to all offices of
honour and profit in their gift-it never had in any book that
ever he had read. He could hardly believe his senses.
The boy always had a hard time of it. Nothing ever came
out according to the authorities with him. At last, one day,
when he was around hunting up bad little boys to admonish, he
t
602
WIT AND HUMOR.
found a lot of them in the old iron foundry fixing up a little
joke on fourteen or fifteen dogs, which they had tied together
in long procession, and were going to ornament with empty
nitro-glycerine cans made fast to their tails. Jacob's heart was
touched. He sat down on one of those cans (for he never
minded grease when duty was before him), and he took hold of
the foremost dog by the collar, and turned his reproving eye
upon wicked Tom Jones. But just at that moment Alderman
McWelter, full of wrath, stepped in. All the bad boys ran
away, but Jacob Blivens rose in conscious innocence and began
one of those stately little Sunday-school-book speeches which
always commence with "Oh, sir!" in dead opposition to the
fact that no boy, good or bad, ever starts a remark with "Oh,
sir." But the alderman never waited to hear the rest. He took
Jacob Blivens by the ear and turned him around, and hit him
a whack in the rear with the flat of his hand; and in an instant
that good little boy shot out through the roof and soared away
towards the sun, with the fragments of those fifteen do ys string-
ing after him like the tail of a kite. And there was 't a sign
of that alderman or that old iron foundry left on the face of the
earth; and, as for young Jacob Blivens, he never got a chance
to make his last dying speech after all his trouble fixing it up,
unless he made it to the birds; because, although the bulk of
him came down all right in a tree-top in an adjoining county,
the rest of him was apportioned around among four townships,
and so they had to hold five inquests on him to find out
whether he was dead or not, or how it occurred.
You never
saw a boy scattered so.
Thus perished the good little boy who did the best he could,
but didn't come out according to the books. Every boy who
ever did as he did prospered except him. His case is truly
remarkable. It will probably never be accounted for.
X X
-*
"Willie, I'm going to Heaven," she wrote, "and you will
nevor see me again ;" which was very rough on Willie.
CHILDREN.
603
:
A Very Bad Boy.
In 1883, George Peck wrote a series of Bad-Boy papers
which had a phenomenal sale throughout America. They
were pure humor with now and then a touch of exaggeration
which blossomed into wit. They were written to the average
man. A specimen is appended:
HOW HIS FATHER KILLED HIM.
"Naw," said the groceryman, as he charged the cheese to
the boy's father, and picked up his cigar stub, which he had
left on the counter, and which the boy had rubbed on the ker-
osene barrel. "No, sir, that whistle would scare any dog that
heard it. Say, what was your pa running after the doctor in
his shirt-sleeves for last Sunday morning? He looked scared.
Was your ma sick again?"
“O, no, ma is healthy enough now she has got a new fur-
lined cloak. She played consumption on pa, and coughed so
she liked to raise her lights and liver, and made pa believe
she couldn't live, and got the doctor to prescribe a fur-lined
circular, and pa went and got one, and ma improved awfully.
Her cough is all gone, and she can walk ten miles. I was the
one that was sick. You see, I wanted to get pa into the
church again, and get him to stop drinking, so I got a boy to
write a letter to him, in a female hand, and sign the name of
a choir singer pa was mashed on, and tell him she was yearn-
ing for him to come back to the church, and that the church
seemed a blank without his smiling face and benevolent heart,
and to please come back for her sake.
"Pa got the letter Saturday night, and he seemed tickled,
but I guess he dreamed about it all night, and Sunday morn-
ing he was mad and took me by the ear and said I couldn't
come no 'Daisy' business on him a second time. He said he
knew I wrote the letter, and for me to go up in the store-room
and prepare for the almightiest licking a boy ever had, and he
604
WIT AND HUMOR
went down stairs and broke up an apple barrel and got a stave
to whip me with. Well, I had to think mighty quick, but I
was enough for him. I got a dried bladder in my room, one
that mo and my chum got to a slotterhouse, and I blowed it
partly up, so it would be sort of flat like, and I put it down
inside the back part of my pants, right about where pa hits
when he punishes me. I knowed when the barrel stave hit
the bladder it would explode. Well, pa he came up and
found me crying.
"I can cry just as easy as you can turn on the water at a
faucet, and pa took off his coat and looked sorry. I was afraid
he would give up whipping me when he see me cry, and I
wanted to go on with the bladder experiment, so I looked kind
of hard, as if I was defying him to do his worst, and then he
took me by the neck and laid me across a trunk. I didn't dare
struggle much for fear the bladder would lose itself, and pa
said, 'Now Hennery, I am going to break you out of this
damfoolishness, or I will break your back,' and he spit on his
hands and brough the barrel stave down on my best pants.
Well, you'd a dide if you had heard the explosion. It almost
knocked me off the trunk. It sounded like firing a fire-
cracker away down cellar in a barrel, and pa looked scared.
I rolled off the trunk on the floor, and put some flour on my
face to make me look pale, and then I kind of kicked my legs
like a fellow who is dying on the stage, after being stabbed
with a piece of lath, and groaned and said: 'Pa, you have
killed me, but I forgive you'; and then I rolled around and
frothed at the mouth to make foam. Well, pa was all broke
up. He said: 'Great God, what have I done? I have broke
his spinal column. O, my poor boy, do not die!' I kept
chewing the soap and foaming at the mouth, and I drew
my legs up and kicked them out, and clutched my hair, and
rolled my eyes, then kicked pa in the stummick as he bent
over me, and knocked his breath out of him, and then my
limbs began to get rigid, and I said: "Too late, pa. I die at
CHILDREN.
605
the hand of an assasin.
Go for a doctor.' Pa throwed his
coat over me, and started downstairs on a run, saying, "I
have murdered my brave boy," and he told ma to go upstairs
and stay with me, 'cause I had fallen off a trunk and ruptured
a blood-vessel, and he went after the doctor.
When he went out of the front door I sat up and lit a
cigaret, and ma came up and I told her all about how I fooled
pa, and if she would take on and cry when pa got back I would
get him to go to church again and swear off drinking, and she
laffed and said she would. So when pa and the doctor got
back, ma was sitting on a velocipede I used to ride, which was
in the storeroom, and she had her apron over her face, and she
more than bellowed. Pa he was pale, and he told the doctor
that he was just a playing with me with a little piece of board,
and he heard something crack, and he guessed my spine got
broke rolling off the trunk. The doctor wanted to feel where
my spine was broke, but I opened my eyes and had a vacant
sort of stare, like a woman who leads a dog by a string, and I
told the doctor there was no use setting my spine, as it was
broke in several places, and I wouldn't let him feel of the dried
bladder.
"I told pa that I was going to die, and I wanted him to
promise me two things on my dying bed. He cried and said
he would, and I told him to promise me he would quit drink-
ing and attend church regular, and he said he would never
drink another drop and would go to church every Sunday. I
made him get down on his knees beside me and swear it, and
the doctor witnessed it, and ma said she was so glad, and ma
called the doctor out into the hall and told him the joke, and
the doctor came in the room and told pa that he was afraid pa's
presence would excite the patient, and for pa to put on his coat
and go out and walk around a block or go to church, and ma
and he would remove me to another room, and do all that was
possible to make my last hours pleasant. Pa he cried, and
said he would put on his plug hat and go to church, and he
606
WIT AND HUMOR.
kissed me, and got flour on his nose, and I came near laughing
right out to see the white flour on his red nose, when I thought
how the people in church would laugh at pa. But he
went out feeling mighty bad, and then I got out and
pulled the busted bladder out of my pants, and ma and
the doctor they laughed awful. When pa got back from church
and asked for me, ma said that I was gone down town. She
said the doctor found my spine was only uncoupled and he
coupled it together, and I was all right. Pa said it was
' almighty strange, 'cause I heard the spine break when I hit
him with the barrel stave.' Pa was nervous all the afternoon,
and ma thinks he suspects we played it on him. Say, you
don't think there is any harm in playing it on an old man a
little, do you, for a good cause, do you?"
That Freckle-Faced Girl.
The freckle-faced little girl was sent to Sabbath-school last
Sunday to counteract the effect of her remarks to the parson
and show that the family was not quite as wicked as she had
made it appear. The teacher told the class about Jonah, and
offered to answer any questions the children wanted to ask
about the surprising adventures of the man who was thrown
overboard for luck and swallowed for a sprat. The little girl
stopped making faces at the boy with large ears in the next
class and wanted to know if the whale in the story was in the
Common Council. The lady smiled at the question, and taking
special pride in her peculiar knack of "drawing out" children
and analyzing the operations of their immature minds, she in-
quired the reason of the question.
"I didn't know," said the freckled-faced girl. "Your hus-
band is in the Cornmon Council 'n my pa says he's got a
nap'tite like the whale what ate up Mr. Jones. Pa says he
seen a bill for a lunch over to Parker's 'n it said your husband
ate twenty dollar's worth at one sitting, besides a box of cigars
CHILDREN.
607
'n wine 'nuff to float the debt he was piling on folks what was
more honest 'n not so blamed hungry 'tween ineals. Pa said
'twas 'sprisin' what appetites some whales 'n most politishuns
did have. Then Uncle Dick-he's been out west 'n ev'ry-
where, 'n says he's a bad man f'm some place I forgot-he
said 'twas a curious fact which he'd noticed that the whale
couldn't swaller a smelt whole till he got in the Bible, 'n your
husband couldn't eat nothin' but a sandwich for lunch till he
got in the city guv'ment, 'n then he'd take a whole hotel 'n a
cigar store thrown in at one sulph 'n swaller his conscience on
top o' that to settle his stomach. Then pa said another time
he guessed he was a whale hisself for swallerin' all your hus-
hand said 'bout 'conomy before 'lection, 'n then Uncle Dick,
he laughed 'n said that was what come of the damdimmick
rats takin' in all the Jonah's the either side flung overboard,
'n he guessed the whale was getting a little seasick. Then pa
said he 'sposed he oughter knowed better than to vote for a
man what used to be 'sociated with Republicans, 'n Uncle
Dick said that was so, cause Republicans always turned out
men wich hadn't got no principles, only stomachs. Aint this
the same whale Uncle Dick said?"
(6
'Well, it's high time your mother sent you to Sabbath
school,” replied the teacher severely. "The influences around
you at home are perfectly awful for a child of your age and
naturally wicked disposition. Where do you suppose you will
go to if you learn to talk such scandal about your neighbors?"
"I dunno. Over to Miss Sliderback's, I guess, Ma says
that's where you'n Miss Magruder go to talk about the neigh-
bors, 'n I 'spose I can go, too, when I get big 'nuff. I'd
rather go to dancing school though, 'n ma says I can when pa
gets the money Deacon Sliderback cheated him out of that
time they swapped horses."
The teacher told the freckled-faced girl to stop talking and
learn two verses, and the little heathen hid her face behind z
book and whispered to the next little girl, whose father is the
608
WIT AND HUMOR.
superintendent, "Say, don't your pa talk through his nose
funny? My pa says if your pa would stay at home from
prayer meetin' to mix a little more sugar with the sand he
sells for fourteen cents a pound, p'raps he might not need a
fire-proof coffin when he dies.”
Then she devoted herself to making faces at the boy with
large ears and giggled at the way the teacher twisted her
mouth trying to sing a hymn.
Little Ethel's Cross-Examination.
Ethel's mother was taking her over to Brooklyn to visit Edna
Mapleson. They both sat in the rear cabin of the Fulton ferry-
boat. A few seats away was a man with a wooden leg. As
the boat started the child turned to the mother in search of a
little information.
"Mamma," she began, "how does the boat move?"
(C
By steam, my dear."
"And how do they get the steam?"
"A man below makes it, dear."
"And suppose the man forgot to make enough steam to take
us all the way across?"
"Well, I suppose the wind would blow us across, then."
"But suppose there was not enough wind?"
“O, don't bother me any more, dear. I am sure I don't
know what we should do then."
66
But, mamma
At this instant the inquisition came to a sudden stop. With
unerring instinct Ethel's eye had lighted upon the man with
the wooden leg. That eye at once became fixed, dilating with
concentrated interest. The child crawled down from her seat,
upon which she had been kneeling, in order to afford that eye
better facilities for observation. The object of scrutiny
squirmed uneasily in his seat. Her mother, probably sur-
mising what might be coming and presumably acting in the
""
CHILDREN.
609
66
light of previous experience, sought to create a diversion by
successively calling attention to a little French poodle at the
other end of the cabin, to a passing tug-boat, and to a "little
man up there on the big bridge." It was all of no use. Turn-
ing to her mother, little Ethel exclaimed in a portentous
whisper:
66
'Oh, ma! Look at that man."
"Hush, my dear. You must not be rude."
"But, ma” (in a very audible whisper) "do look at his leg.”
"Be quiet, Ethel, I tell you,” frantically urged the matron
in agitated tones. "The poor man has lost his leg. It's very
rude to notice it.”
"What's that one made of?"
Hush! of wood, my dear. Look at that pretty little boy
over there. See how good he is."
"Did you ever have a leg like that, ma?"
"No, my dear. Look over there at that
"Will pa, or Uncle John, or I ever have one, ma? ”
"No, dear."
"Could he kick a ball with that leg?"
Hush, do!"
""
66
""
"But ma
The
"At this juncture the man with the wooden leg sought in
turn to create a diversion. He drew from his pocket a pretty
little bon-bon box and offered the child some sweetmeats.
child accepted them with some hesitation and mistrust.
instant later the boat reached the slip. Etehl's mother rose
and smiling graciously, said: "Thank the gentleman, Ethel,
and say good-by."
Ethel advanced, her eyes still firmly fixed upon the object of
interest. She held out the tips of her little fingers.
"Good by," she said, "in a voice full of emotion; “good-
by, you poor, poor man."
Then her mother seized the child by the hand and hurrying
through the boat, gained the bridge.
610
WIT AND HUMOR.
How Johnny Broke the News.
"Oh! ma, ma," shrieked Johnny, rushing into his mother's
room, "a man down the street knocked pa out with an
umbrella and broke three ribs. He"
Oh, my
"What! Three ribs? What will become of us.
son, your poor father will die. Here, John, run down to Dr.
Blank's and tell him to come up immediately with bandages.
Mary, tell James to bring the carriage immediately. Dear
George, three ribs broken, how he must suffer. It's awful
Well, good bye, Johnnie, I'm off to Papa!"
*
-X-
*
"Why, George!" she exclaimed, as she saw her husband
smoking a cigar with his feet protruding out of the office win-
dow. "I thought you were hurt?”
"Hurt? My, no.
A crank hit me with his umbrella, but
fortunately I got it away from him before he did much damage.
See, there it is. Three ribs broken, and-"
The end.
*
*
Johnny's Story.
After telling little Johnny several stories, I asked him to tell
one to me.
"Wal untle Eli," said Johnny, "I'll tell 'ou a nice long tory
'bout a itty baby and a wudpecker.
“Once a man wich lived in the woods was cuttin down trees,
and he had so many babys that his wife cudent mind em all to
home, so he tuke the baby with him and laid it on a stump
wile he chopped. The baby was red-heded, and wudpeckers is
red-heded too. Pretty soon the baby it begin to cri, and there
was a wudpecker setting on a limb, and it thought to itself:
Poor itty baby, what has become of your ole mudder, you
must be offle hungry. I'll see if I can't do something for you;'
and when the man came to the baby for to toss it up anyway,
'Gitchy, gitchy, gitchy,' he sees the wudpecker drop a long
CHILDREN.
611
;
red worm in the baby's mouth and fli back to the limb. Then
the man he pulled out the worm, wich was a chokin the baby,
and he lookt up at the wudpecker and said:
666
'My good feller, if you keep a boardin' house wot is your
terms?""
**
"Are you lost, my little fellow?" asked a gentleman of a
four-year-old one day.
"No," he sobbed in reply, "b-but m-my mother is.”
* *
*
A benevolent and kind-hearted old gentleman, seeing a sooty
urchin weeping bitterly at the corner of the street, asked him
the cause of his distress :
"Master has been using me shamefully," sobbed the little
fellow, "he has been letting Bill Hudson go up the chimney,
next door, when it was my turn! He said it was too high, and
too dangerous for me, but I'll go up a chimney with Bill Hud-
son any day in the year; that's what I will!"
The Kind of Little Boys who go to Heaven.
The teacher had grown eloquent in picturing to his little
pupils the beauties of heaven, and he finally asked :
"What kind of little boys go to heaven?”
A lively four-year-old boy, with kicking boots, held
up his
hand.
* *
*
#
"Well, you may answer," said the teacher.
"Dead ones!" the little fellow shouted, at the extent of his
lungs.
Little George knelt down and prayed: O, Lord, bless the
baby and make him so he can't cry. Bless brother Bill and
make him as good a boy as I am. Good bye, Lord, I'm going
to the circus in the morning. Amen." Then, as if he had for-
gotten something, Tommy hollered out, "O, Lord, don't for
get Bill!"
612
WIT AND HUMOR.
72
Baby is Dead!
"Baby is dead!" Three little words passing along the line;
copied somewhere and soon forgotten. But after all was quiet
again I leaned my head upon my hand and fell into a deep
reverie of all that those words may mean.
Somewhere a dainty form, still and cold, unclasped by
mother's arms tonight. Eyes that yesterday were bright and
blue as skies of June, dropped tonight beneath white lids that
no voice can ever raise again.
Two soft hands, whose rose-leaf fingers were wont to wan-
der lovingly around mother's neck and face, loosely holding
white buds, quietly folded in coffined rest.
Soft lips, yesterday rippling with laughter, sweet as wood-
land brook falls, gay as trill of forest bird, tonight unresponsive
to kiss or call of love.
A silent home-the patter of baby feet forever hushed-a
cradle bed unpressed. Little shoes half worn-dainty garments
-shoulder knots of blue to match those eyes of yesterday,
folded with aching heart away.
A tiny mound, snow-covered, in some quiet graveyard.
A mother's groping touch, in uneasy slumber, for the fair
head that shall never again rest upon her bosom. The low sob,
the bitter tear, as broken dreams awake to sad reality. The
hopes of future years wrecked. like fair ships that sudder ly go
down in sight of land.
The watching of other babies, dimpled, laughing, strong,
and this one gone! The present agony of grief, the future
emptiness of heart, all held in those three little words, "Baby
is dead!"
Indeed, it is well that we can copy and soon forget the words
so freighted with woe to those who receive and send them.
And yet it cannot harm us now and then to give a tender
thought to those whom our careless pen stroke is preparing
such a weight of grief.
CHILDREN.
613
Grandpa's Experience With His Pet.
Grandpa loved the baby. The baby is three years old, with
the prettiest big blue eyes, the plumpest, reddest cheeks, the
dearest, dimpled mouth, and the cunningest ways in the world.
Baby has sturdy little legs and restless, strong little arms, and
is an example of perpetual motion. Baby's grandpa accom-
panied him on various walks over on the West Side, but
grandpa's ambition was to take baby down to the store, where
the boys could see what a phenomenal child he is, and what
cunnings ways he has. Yesterday morning grandpa dressed
baby up, and when he started away with grandpa he looked,
with his wavy golden hair, bright eyes, and little brown cloak,
like one of Kate Greenaway's creations imbued with life. When
the passengers in the car smiled at baby and remarked how
sweet he was, grandpa was happy and chuckled as he thought
of the enjoyment of having baby with him at the store. Once
at the store baby was the centre of an admiring crowd of
grandpa's business companions. Baby was shy at first, and
one fat fist was pushed into the little mouth, while baby's eyes
were cast upon the floor. Pretty soon, though, baby regained
his usual spirits and started on a tour of investigation. His
first venture was to pull over a lot of ledgers and account-books
that had been undergoing an investigation, and on top of this
pile he poured the contents of a big bottle of violet ink. Pur-
suing his investigations further, baby found himself in the
office where the brightly-varnished safe, with its impossible
landscapes, at once attracted attention. The heavy door was
closed, and baby, by standing on a chair, could just reach the
combination knob, the brightness of which had caught his eye.
He played with the pretty knob, turning it round and round
ever so many times, and laughing to himself. But the man
who came to open the safe, and who was in a dreadful hurry,
didn't lough, for the lock had been worked for years on a part
of the combination and baby had destroyed it completely, and
614
WIT AND HUMOR.
three hours were required to find the combination again. Out
in a back room baby found a hammer and some tacks, and
filled some new desks full of pretty tin tacks. Then following
the promptings of his busy little mind he pulled a piece of
string to see what was on the other end of it. There was a
mantel ornament belonging to one of the boys on the other
cud, and when the baby pulled the ornament tipped over and
was shattered. Baby was frightened at the muss he had made,
and hid himself in a box that stood on end near the door, and
that had been used to hold soft coal during the winter. Grand-
pa found him there, but in what a plight! His little face and
hands, and his beautiful white dress were begrimed with the
nasty coal-dust. Grandpa brushed him off and washed his face
and hands, and made him somewhat presentable, after which
he sat him down in a big chair and told him to sit still. Baby
sat still about a minute and then slid down out of the chair,
and wandered away into the back room, where he suddenly
spied a little dog curled up asleep on the top of a box. Baby
stood on his toes, got a good grip on doggy's tail, and pulled.
The dog woke up. And the next minute baby's little legs
were working for dear life as he fled toward grandpa's quarters.
Grandpa met him, kicked the dog, quieted baby, tried to patch
up the places in baby's dress where the dog's teeth had made
ragged rents, and began to club himself for bringing baby
down town. Finally baby capped the climax by upsetting on
himself a can of lard oil, and Grandpa quit work for the rest
of the day, wrapped the baby in thick brown paper, tied a
string around him and took him home. It will be some time
before grandpa will take his pet down town with him again.
Baby had a good time, though.
Once More the Boy is Ahead.
Among the guests of a New York hotel was a maiden lady
from the rural districts. Tho landlord noticed that about 9
CHILDREN.
615
o'clock every night she would come down stairs, get a pitcher
of ice-water and return to her room.
"One night," he said, "I made bold to speak to her, and
asked why she did not ring the bell for a hall boy to bring the
ice-water to her."
"But there is no bell in my room.'
"No bell in your room, madam! Pray, let me show you,'
and with that I took the pitcher of ice-water in my hand and
escorted her to her apartment. Then I pointed out to her the
knob of the electric-bell. She gazed at it with a sort of horror,
and then exclaimed:
"Dear me! Is that a bell? Why the hall-boy told me that
was the fire-alarm signal, and that I must never touch it, except
in case of fire?'
“And that is how the hall-boy saved himself the trouble of
going for ice-water.”
J
*
RAILROAD ANECDOTES AND
JOKES ON THE TRAINS.
Stanley Huntley's Slow Train.
"Are we on a down grade?" asked an impetuous passenger,
gazing first at the conductor and then earnestly out at the
window.
"No, sir," replied the conductor, coldly. "This is a per-
fectly level track. There are no grades on this road."
"That's curious," mumbled the passenger, opening the
window and sticking his head out.
"If anything," continued the conductor, exasperated by
the man's conduct, "if anything, we are going up a slight in-
cline."
"That's wonderful!" exclaimed the passenger. "I thought
it was remarkable if we wer、 on a down grade, but under the
circumstances it's miraculous.
"What're you talk-
"What is?" growled the conductor.
ing about, anyhow?"
"I simply can't understand how that cow should beat us
going up hill, that's all," sighed the impetuous passenger, sink-
ing thoughtfully back into his seat.
Burdette on the Train.
The train had run into a snow-drift, and the engine was but
ting its head in vain against a six-foot bank.
"For once the iron horse appears to be beaten," remarked a
fat woman in a second-class carriage.
616
}
RAILROAD ANECDOTES.
617
16
"You shouldn't call it an iron horse," mildly reproved a
solemn-facel man.
Why not?" asked the fat woman in some surprise.
“Because it's block tin," softly murmured the solemn-faced
man, as he gazed out of the window and across the wintry
waste, with a far-away look in his eye.
Anxious To Ride.
"Where are you going, anyhow?" asked an irate conduc-
tor on the Michigan Central, the other day, of a "beat"
whom he had kicked off five or six times, but who always
managed to get on again just as the train started.
"Well," said the fellow quietly, "I'm going to Chicago, if
my pants hold out; but I'm afraid I'll never get there if you
fellows kick me off every five minutes."
He was not disturbed again on that conductor's division.
Eli Perkins on Children.
66
Today I sat in a car-seat on the Lake Shore, road, behind a
pale, care-worn young lady, who was taking a little boy from
Cleveland to Ashtabula. As the little boy was of a very
inquiring mind, and as everything seemed to attract his atten-
tion, I could not help listening to some of his questions.
"What is that, Auntie?" the little boy commenced, as he
pointed to a heap of yellow corn.
"O, that's corn, dear," answered the care-worn lady.
"What is corn, Auntie ?"
66
'Why, corn is corn, dear."
"But what is corn made of?"
Why, corn is made of dirt, and water, and air, darling."
"Who makes it, Auntie ?"
"God makes it, dear."
"Does He make it in the day-time or in the night?"
618
WIT AND HUMOR,
"In both, dear."
"And Sundays?"
"Yes; all the time."
"Ain't it wicked to make corn on Sunday, Auntie ?”
"O, I don't know. Do keep still, Freddy--that's a deari
Auntie s tired."
After remaining quiet a moment, little Freddy broke out:
"Where do stars come from, Auntie ?”
“I don't know: nobody knows."
“Did the moon lay 'em?"
"Yes, I guess so," replied the wicked lady.
"Can the moon lay eggs, too?”
""
"I suppose so.
Don't bother ine.
A short silence, when Freddy broke out again :
66
Fanny Mason says oxins is a owl, Auntie; is they?"
"O, perhaps so."
"I think a whale could lay eggs, don't you, Auntie?”
“O, yes, I guess so!" said the shameless woman.
66 Did you ever see a whale on his nest?"
"O, I guess so."
"Where?"
66
O, I don't know! Do keep still, Freddy!" and the lady
gave a sigh and looked out of the window.
A moment afterwards Freddy looked out of the window and
saw a man milking a cow.
"What is he doing to the cow, Auntie ?"
"Milking her, dear."
"Where do they put the milk in, Auntie ?"
"O, in her inouth."
"Did you ever see them put the milk in ?”
"O, yes."
"Where ?"
"I mean no. Freddy you must be quiet-I'm getting
crazy!”
"What makes you crazy, Auntie ?"
RAILROAD ANECDOTES.
619
+
¿
"O, dear! you ask so many questions.
The little boy seemed to be puzzled and thoughtful ȧ mo-
ment; but soon his curiosity got the better of him, and as the cars
passed a pasture in which were a sheep and a lamb he asked:
"Where do lambs come from, Auntie ?"
"O, from the old sheep. The old sheep has them."
"Can little boys have lambs?"
(6
Certainly; I'll let you have a lamb, Freddy, when you get
66
home."
"Did you ever have a lamb, Auntie ?"
"O, of course, dear."
"Where ?"
59
“O, Freddy, do stop! You ask such foolish questions. I'm
all fagged out. You will drive me crazy ;" and then the poor,
worn-out woman leaned her aching head on the back of the for-
ward seat, while Freddy busied himself placing his mouth
against the window, and soliloquized in a sing-song tone:
"Mary had a little lamb!
Sheep had a little lamb!
"Auntie had a little lamb!
66
"O, Auntie! Auntie!"
"What is it, Freddy ?" asked the poor woman, waking up.
"Did you ever see a little fly eat sugar?”
"Yes, dear."
"Where?"
Freddy, sit down on that seat and be still, or I'll shake
you. I won't be tormented to death. Now, not another
word." And the lady pointed her finger sharply at the little
boy, as if she was going to stick it through him.
If she had been a wicked inan she would have sworn; and
still we have eight million little boys like Freddy in the United
States, each one causing more or less profanity.
And, notwithstanding all this, the Y.M.C.A.'s throughout
the country denounce Herod and Pharoah as biased men, be-
cause they ordered all the children killed-except their own.
620
WIT AND HUMOR.
She Misunderstood.
Eli Perkins.
A conductor on the "Alton," who was collecting fare, came
to a young lady and repeated mechanically:
"Miss, your fare!"
“Sir!” exclaimed the young lady, somewhat confused.
"I say your fare!"
"Well, that's what the young men say in Bloomington, but,
coming from a stranger, I-
""
"O, ah! I mean your ticket," said the conductor, more
confused than the young lady.
66
X X
-X-
No word was spoken when they met,
By either-sad or gay ;
And yet one badly smitten was,
'Twas mentioned the next day.
They met by chance this autumn eve,
With neither glance nor bow;
They often come together so—
A freight train and a cow.
Railroad Accident.
Man's back across track. Engine roars; man snores. Engine
rushed; man squashed.
Widow snorts; seeks courts. Lawyer weeps; jury sleeps.
Judge charges heavy largess. Jury hollers, "5,000 $.”
Land and Water Traveling.
Sambo, what's your opinion of traveling by railway and
steamboat?"
"Now you're talkin', boss! Good gracious! I tole you
dere's a heap o' difference. When youse on de railroad and
an axident happens, you're right dar; but when youse on de
steamboat and she busts and blows up, whar are you? dat's de
question. I tell you, boss, you're no whar!"
RAILROAD ANECDOTES.
621
+
Slow Train.
How long is it since this railroad was completed?" asked
a tired passenger on a slow train.
66
Well, it is now about five years since the first train was
run over it.”
"Indeed! Then I suppose we may meet it coming back!"
* *
*
"If yer goin' to smoke on this car yer'll have to get off to
do it," remarked a zealous conductor, recently.
"Let's see yer put me off," was the ready reply, as the
smoker jumped off from the car and assumed a belligerent
attitude.
* *
*
"Is this seat engaged, miss?" asked a young swell of a
bright looking maiden on the train the other day.
"No, sir," she modestly replied, "but I am."
Lewis on the Mixed Train.
BAM
On some of the western roads they attach a passenger car to
a freight train, and call it "mixed." It isn't in the order of
things that such trains should travel very rapidly, and some-
times there is considerable growling among the "traffic."
'Are we most there, conductor?" asked a nervous man for
the hundredth time. "Remember, my wife is sick, and I am
anxious."
"We'll get there on time," replied the conductor, stolidly.
Half an hour later the nervous man approached him again.
"I guess she's dead now," said he mournfully, "but I'd give
you a little something extra if you could manage to catch up
with the funeral. Maybe she won't be so decomposed but
what I would recognize her!"
The conductor growled at him, and the man subsided.
""
622
WIT AND HUMOR.
"Conductor," said he, after an hour's silence, "Conductor,
if the wind isn't dead ahead, I wish you would put on some
steam. I'd like to see where my wife's buried before the tomb-
stone crumbles to pieces. Put yourself in my place for a
moment."
The conductor shook him off, and the man relapsed into pro-
found melancholy.
"I say, conductor," said he, after a long pause, "I've got a
note coming due in three months. Can't you fix it so as to
rattle along a little?"
"If you come near me again, I'll knock you down!" snorted
the conductor savagely.
The nervous man regarded him sadly and went to his seat.
Two hours later the conductor saw him chatting gayly, and
laughing heartily with a brother victim, and approached him.
"Don't feel so badly about your wife's death?”
"Time heals all wounds," sighed the nervous man.
"And you are not so particular about the note?" sneered
the conductor.
"Not now. That's all right. Don't worry. I've been figur-
ing up, and I find that the note has outlawed since I spoke to.
you last!"
Eli Perkins on the Elevated Railroad.
"Do the trains make much noise overhead here?" I asked
a resident on Sixth avenue who sleeps directly under the
elevated railroad track.
"You just stand under here and talk with me a spell while
the trains are whizzing by and-there's one now!
""
[Whish, whang, rattle-to-bang, puff, pish, rattle, rattle,
rattle!]
'Well, that din does interrupt conversation a little, doesn't
it?" I suggested.
"Well, I guess you'd think so, if”
RAILROAD ANECDOTES.
623
[Whish, whang, rattle-to-bang, puff, pish, rattle, rattle,
rattle !
"As I was saying, I guess you'd think so, if every time you
were right in the middle of a conversation with a cus-"
[Whish, whang, rattle-to-bang, puff, pish, rattle, rattle,
rattle !]
"I say in the middle of a conversation with a-"
[Whish, whang, rattle-to-bang!]
"-customer, and she was about to order a large bill of
groceries on which the profit would be five-”
[Whish, whang, rattle-to-bang, puff, pish, rattle, rattle,
rattle!]
"Never mind finishing the sentence," I said, "I understand
you perfectly. You would say that when you are right in the
middle of a conversation with a cus
""
6.6
[Wish, whang, rattle-to-bang !]
with a customer, perhaps a wealthy lady or a beautiful
dam
6.6
ܚ
""
66
[Whish, whang, rattle-to-bang!]
or a beautiful damsel, and you are just about to close
the bargain, along comes this miserable elevated --"
[Whish, whang, rattle-to-bang!]
train which drowns your answer. This disgusts the
lady and she quits the store and goes
[Wish, whang, rattle-to-bang !]
[Whish-whang-rattle-to-bang !]
>>
66 over to the Eight avenue to trade.”
"Yes, that's it," said the man. "This infernal noise comes
every minute from some up or down train. I can only com-
pare it to a train of cars running through a tunnel when you
are trying"
ܢ
The tunnel always comes at the
6.6 - to read a newspaper.
wrong time. Perhaps you are reading about a beautiful young
lady and her lover how he puts his arm around her, turns
her sweet lips toward his and-"
44
624
WIT AND HUMOR,
[Whish! whang! rattle-to-bang!]
"then comes the tunnel and your newspaper is as black
as a coal-scuttle.'
As I left the poor Sixth avenue man he doubled up his big
fist and exclaimed: "Oh! I want to kill every eng-"
>>
66
[Whish-whang-rattle-to-bang-puff!]
every engineer who has ever built a railroad tunnel and
wipe out at one fell swoop every director of this —”
[Whish! whang! rattle-to-bang! Puff! pish! Rattle-rattle-
rattle!]
"-elevated road."
Important Railroad Information.
Last week we took a ride over the "Alton," and during our
waking moments were highly edified, amused and instructed
by the tone and conversation of two ladies in the seat behind
our own. The variety of their intelligence, and a vast fund of
general information attracted our attention, and we just sat
there and drank it all in like cold truth from a living spring.
"Do you suppose they have air brakes on this train?” in-
quired the one next to the window, with a bronze-green plume
in her hat.
"Oh, yes, they run 'em now on all trains.'
"What are they for?"
""
"Oh, they are to ventilate the car and give 'em more fresh
ir. I heard they intend to put them on cattle cars so the poor
animals could get plenty of oxygen."
"Indeed! This is a wonderful age. Did you ever ride in a
chair car?"
"Oh, yes; they are just the nicest kind of cars. Some of
'em is real easy, too; have rockers on 'em. But I like the
sleeper the best."
""
"Yes, they are more homelike and comfortable. If any
ہو
RAÍLROAD ANECDOTES.
625
(6
accident happens they unhook the sleeper and leave it at the
last station."
Why, my! How nice!"
"Yes, and the sleeper is much more comfortable to ride in,
because it don't go so fast as the rest of the train.'
"It don't?"
""
"Oh, no; Charles says the Pullman Company won't allow
the railroad to haul the sleepers near so fast as the balance of
the cars.
"
A Hard Town to Remember.
"Why, how strange !"
"Yes, very."
"What do you suppose makes the cars sway so, back and
forth?"
"Oh, I heard the railroad company had been experimenting
lately with rockers on the cars. It's something to do with
concussion and retraction of the expansive compression, or
something of that kind.”
"What a wonderful age! "
"It is, really. And these accident insurance companies are
a great improvement over the old style of traveling. Charles
says all first-class roads carry them nowadays, and it makes one
so much more secure to know that they are on the same train
with one of them. They are worked by electricity, and must
cost awful high; don't you think so?"
"Yes, they must that."
Eli Perkins.
The old lady seemed very much worried about something.
Finally, as the train passed Hinsdale, she caught the conductor
spasmodically by the coat sleeve and exclaimed:
A.
"The next station is my place, isn't it, conductor?”
"I can't tell you," said the conductor.
name of the place you are going to. What's the name?"
"I don't know the
626
WIT AND HUMOR.
66
Why, I don't remember," said the old lady, with a puzzled
look. It is a very queer name, though."
"What does it sound like?" asked the conductor.
"Why, like slidin' on-a-scantlin', and
"
"O, Ypsilanti is the place, madame," said the conductor,
while all the passengers smiled.
Meals on the U.P.
At a station on an overland route, the keeper got rather
short of provisions-in fact, had nothing left but a bottle of
mustard and some bacon. As the stage stopped there one day
to change horses, the passengers seated themselves at the
table, and the host said:
"Shall I help you to a piece of bacon?”
"No, thank you; I never eat bacon,” said one traveler.
Well, then," said the station-keeper, "help yourself to
some of the mustard."
Very Fast Railroading.
Eli Perkins.
The expression, "Get there Eli," so prevalent among rail-
road men originated in this manner:
One night I rode all night long over the prairie from Osage,
lowa, to catch the morning train at Northwood for Des Moines,
only to find it taken off. I shall never forget that morning!
Benumbed with cold, we rode up to the depot, and I shouted:
"Has the five o'clock train left for Mason City ? " ·
"The what train left for Mason City?" asked the agent,
rubbing his eyes.
"The five o'clock train! 99
((
Why, goodness gracious, man, she left last Fall! She's a
Summer train; she won't run again until next April, but you
can sit around the depot here and wait for her; it's only four
months, and—”
RAILROAD ANECDOTES.
$27
"Thunderation-!" and then I sat down and almost cried.
A thousand people waiting for me in Des Moines, and I a
thousand miles away waiting for a Summer train? Oh, it was
too horrible--this riding all night over a dreary prairie to
arrive at a frozen-up station to wait for a Spring train !
What did I do!
Why, I took another carriage, rode thirty-five miles further
over the prairie to Mason City, saw the Superintendent of the
Central Iowa, and with tears in my eyes told him my story.
"Why, good Lord, Eli, you needn't feel so bad; we can get.
you there yet," said Mr. Parker, as he slung his right fist
down on to the telegraph table.
"How?" I asked pleadingly.
"Why, telegraph President Grinnell. He's a Garfield man
and so are you. Why, he would send you to Halifax for that
Garfield interview of yours! he'd a—”
66
Click, click, click," went the telegraph, and then this reply
came from President Grinnell:
"Yes. Can have an engine for $50. Get Eli through to
Des Moines if you have to kill him to do it!”
In ten minutes I was on the engine, and away we went
flying through Iowa. Oh how we did fly!
The village of Hampton looked like one long house. More
coal, and the stations began to hitch together. Whistled for
Ackley, but the locomotive ran clear ahead of the sound and
beat the whistle into town forty seconds. In fact we were off
five miles toward Marshalltown before the whistle came loafing
into Ackley. We went through Marshalltown like a streak of
chain lightning. The town looked like a few splotches of
maroon paint on a side hill. The people all shouted:
"Get there Eli!"
"Get there Eli !!"
Whistled for Grinnell, turned the corner, and ran into Des
Moines at 9 o'clock and five minutes, tired, black and miser-
able, but went to the Opera House and talked as though I had
628
WIT AND HUMOR.
just come over in a carriage from the bridal chamber of the
City Hotel. The audience screamed and laughed when I told
them about freezing my ears, and, when I told them what
mental agony I had suffered during the last twenty-four hours,
they screamed again: they actually thought I was lying. Oh
its glorious Mr. Downes! glorious to deliver a humorous
lecture with frozen ears and on an empty stomach? Glorious!
But I am not selfish, oh no! so the Bureau can let Mark
Twain and Beecher, and a lot of those old fellows who haven't
long to live, take the rest of the glory. I think I will stay
and suffer in my sweet cosy brown-stone house this winter,
unless the Bureau has some deep-seated grudge against some
wicked town and must have me to cancel it. In the meantime,
may a kind Providence protect you.
The Kind Old Conductor.
George Peck.
“Then you can sometimes quiet an ugly man on the train?”
I remarked to the old conductor.
"I believe
"Yes, sir," said the conductor, confidentially.
the ugliest man that ever got on a train can be made peaceable
by kindness. I had a man on my train one night going up,
that always gets drunk on purpose for a row.
He has cleaned
out lots of trains, and I see he was in for a row. He looked as
though he had a hot box when he saw me come in the door,
and grated his teeth. He was full, boiling over, and expected
to fight to the next station, where he lived, and get off without
paying. I went up to him and sat down beside him, and asked
him if he had had a good time to-day, and then I pulled out
some picture cards that I got in a store, and I said, 'Here, Pat,
take these pictures to your little girl at home, and tell her, as
she meets you at the door, and throws her arms around your
neck, and kisses you, and says she is glad you come home
sober, and that she loves you, and that you are the dearest
papa in the world, tell her that old Rumsey sent them to her,
RAILROAD ANECDOTES.
629
with a kiss. Well, you wouldn't believe it, but before I gət
half through talking about his little girl, the big tears came to
his eyes, and rolled down his red face, and he took them,
and thanked me in a choking voice, and said, as he pulled out
a five dollar bill, 'Take my fare out of this, Rumsey, and God
bless you.'
I'll bet that rough fellow's heart was touched, be-
cause when he got off at the next station he was sober, and was
wiping his eyes on his coat sleeve, and he pointed right straight
for home. Oh, a man can get in his Christian work on a rail-
road train, if he wants to. I ought to have been a sister of
charity instead of a conductor, I know that, but now I am into
it I am going to stick."
((
Cheap Freight.
Please, sir, what's the fare from New York to Chicago? ”
inquired an Irishman one day of the ticket agent of the N.Y.
Central R.R.
66
Eighteen dollars,” replied the agent.
"An' what d'ye charge for a pig or cow?"
"
"Oh, three dollars for a pig, aud ten dollars for a cow.
"Well,” directed Pat, "book me as a pig."
Eli Perkins and Iowa Railroads.
"Usually railroads do the best they can for me. They give
me trains and engines. The old president of the Central Iowa
has often told me he would give me a special car over his road
any time rather than have me remain in his town over night.
Once he gave me a season pass, hoping I would use it and be
eventually killed on the trains. He made this remark because
I said the Central of Iowa was not a railroad but simply a
branch of the state penitentiary at Fort Madison. Mr.
Grinnell once confessed to me with tears in his eyes, that
all convicts sent to prison over the Central Iowa had the
630
WIT ANI) HUMOR.
time that they were on the road deducted from their sentences.
Of late years I am told that as soon as the prison authorities of
Fort Madison find that they have a victim on hand who has
come over the Central Iowa, they immediately let him out.
This is because the courts have decided that it is uncon-
stitutional to punish a man twice for the same offense. But it
was not my intention to write a brief on jurisprudence when I
commenced this letter."
Eli Perkins on Early Railroading in Kansas.
Westward, westward, westward we have been riding all day
over the Kansas Pacific. From Kansas City the road runs
straight up the Kansas River bottom and along Smoky Hill
and the buffalo country to Denver. On the train are grangers
from Carson and Hugo, and killers and stabbers from Wild-
Horse and Eagle Tail.
**
As we near Salina, Kansas, Conductor Cheeney comes along
to collect the fare. Touching a long-haired miner on the back,
he looks down and says:
"Tickets!"
"Hain't got none," says the frontiersman, holding his gun
with one hand and scowling from under his black slouch hat.
"But you must pay your fare, sir!" expostulated the con-
ductor.
your
"Now jes look a-here, stranger; mebbe you're a doin'
duty, but I hain't never paid yet goin' through this country,
and-"
Just then a slouchy old frontiersman, who had been com-
pelled to pay his fare in a rear car, stepped up in front of the
mulish passenger, and pointing a six-shooter at him, said:
"See here, Long Bill, your jes pay yer far! I've paid mine,
and they don't anybody ride on this train free if I don't—If
they do, damme ! "
66
"All right, you've got the drop on me, pardner, so put up
RAILROAD ANECDOTES.
631
your shooter an' I'll settle," said the miner going, into his
pocket for the money.
"Do these incidents often happen?" I asked the conductor
a little while afterward.
"Well, yes, but not so often as they used to in 1868 and
1870. The other day" continued the conductor, "some three-
card-monte men came on the train and swindled a drover out
of $150. The poor man seemed to take it to heart. He said
his cattle got so cheap during the grasshopper raid that he had
to just peel 'em and sell their hides in Kansas City-and this
was all the money he had. A half-dozen miners from Denver
overheard the talk, and, coming up, they 'drew a bead' on the
monte men and told 'em to pay that money back.
"Just you.count that money back,' conductor," they said,
"and after I had done it," continued the conductor, "one of the
head miners said:
"Now, pardner, jes stop this train, an' we'll hang these
three-card fellows to the telegraph pole.""
"Did they do it?" I asked.
"Well, they hung one of 'em; but the other two, dog on it,
got lost in the grass.
66
'But wa'n't there the dickens to pay on that train when we
got to Muncie, though," said Cheney.
""
"How?" I asked.
"Why, six masked men stopped the train and robbed the
express car. One man uncoupled the engine and ran it forward
-two men went through the express safe and three men went
through the passengers. But, O! didn't they play the dickens,
though. Wa'n't it a glorious day!"
"Did they rob anybody?" did-”
"No, they didn't zackly rob 'em, but they frightened 'ein
almost to death and then laughed at 'em. They'd stick their
blunderbusses in the car window and shout 'Throw up your
hands!' to the passengers, and their hands would go up like
pump handles.
632
WIT AND HUMOR.
The Rev. Winfield Scott, a devilish good old minister from
Denver, was takin' a quiet game of poker with another pas-
senger at the time. He had just got four queens and was
raisin' the ante to fifteen dollars when one of the robbers
pointed his pistol at him and sang out :
"Hold up your hands! or I'll blow your head off!"
"No, you won't,' says Parson Scott, standing up in his
seat-'not by a danged sight! I've been a preacher of the
gospel goin' on twenty years, and I'm ready to die in the har-
ness, and I will die, and any man can shoot me and be danged
before I'll throw up such a hand as that—two trays and four
queens !'"
C
DRAMATIC WIT.
Actors' Wit and Humor.
66 I
say, Higgins," said a cheeky young fellow to an aspiring
but yet unappreciated tragedian, "I met a rich old gentleman
in the city, who declared he would give a hundred dollars to
see you perform Hamlet."
"You don't say so?"
66
'Fact, I assure you; and what's more, I'm positively sure
the old chap meant it."
"By Jove, then, it's a bargain!" Higgins cried; "I'll play
it for my benefit. But who is he?
""
66
Ah, to be sure, I didn't tell you. Well, he's a blind
man."
Higgins never spoke to the wretch again.
Eli Perkins' Hinglishman.
The typical Englishman who adds an "h" to every word
beginning with a vowel arrived in New York yesterday. He
said he was glad to visit Hamerica, the New World, that he
had read so much about in the Henglish newspapers.
When I asked him what theatres he was going to attend in
the evening, he said:
"I really kont tell, you know. "Perhaps it will be the
Hacademy of Music, or Habey's Park Theatre, or 'Averly's,
or 'Aragon and 'Art's."
In the evening I saw him buying tickets at Wallack's. When
I came up he was looking at the box-sheet. He was running
633
634
WIT AND HUMOR.
his finger down on the rows marked "J," "K," and "L," and
remarking:
66
'Yes, I want a warm place, ´aving just good off the steamer
with some 'at of a cold. Do you mind telling me if you think
it would be warm enough in hell?
"Hell? why yes," said Mr. Moss, the Treasurer.
a warm place, I presume. I have never doubted it.”
"Well, won't you be kind enough to give me two warm
seats in hell?" continued the Englishmen, still looking at the
diagram. Then he added to the startled Treasurer.
"Let
them be low down right in the middle."
"Where ! "
"In hell, sir-two seats.”
"What?"
"Hell is
"Two seats-two," and the Englishman held up two fingers
and added, "in a warm place in hell-low down and—”
"I don't understand you," said Mr. Moss, looking through
the window in bewilderment: "do I understand you to
say
""
""
"Yes, exactly-two seats in hell, and I'm in a hurry."
"But-
"Blast your eyes! Don't 'but' me! If I kon't 'ave a seat
in hell I don't want any, and-"
"Look here!" exclaimed Mr. Moss, indignantly; "you
lunatic, get away from that window. I've wasted enough time
on a confounded crazy man. Come, get! Do you think we
keep the box-sheets of Hell here in New York?"
"Blarst your Yankee eyes! I didn't say you did. I simply
asked you for a seat in hell. I'm an Henglishman and-"
"O, ah!" exclaimed Mr. Moss, as a new light seemed to
dawn on him. "I see you want a seat in 'L'-row 'L.'"
"To be sure, sir, hell. That's what I said. Right in the
middle of hell, where it's warm, you know."
(
Confound you Englishmen!" muttered Mr. Moss to him-
DRAMATIC.
635
self as the marked off the seat in the middle of "L"; "that's
where you ought to sit, and where you will sit in the next
world, and you won't have to fight to get a seat there, either!"
Macready and the "Super.”
The great tragedian Macready was playing Macbeth in the
provinces. The actor who had rehearsed the Messenger in the
last act was found to be absent when called. "Super" was
sent on to speak the Messenger's lines:
"As I did stand my watch upon the hill, I looked toward
Birnam, and anon methought the wood began to move."
Macbeth. "Liar and slave."
Super. "Pon my soul, Mr. Macready, they told me to say
it."
* *
*
When Mrs. McGibbon was preparing to act "Jane Shore
at Liverpool, her dresser, an ignorant country girl, informed
her that a woman had called to request two box orders, because
she and her daughter had walked four miles on purpose to see
the play.
"Does she know me?" inquired the actress.
"Not at all," was the reply.
""
"What a very odd request?" exclaimed Mrs. McGibbon,
"Has the good woman got her faculties about her?"
"I think she have, ma'am, for I see she ha' got summut tied
up in a red silk handkercher."
**
*
Charles Mathews, the comedian, was served by a green-
grocer named Berry, and generally settled his bill once a
quarter. At one time the account was sent in before it was
due, and Mathews, laboring under an idea that his credit was
doubted, said:
"Here's a pretty mull, Berry. You've sent in your bill,
Berry, before it was due, Berry. Your father, the elder Berry,
636
WIT AND HUMOR.
:
would not have been such a goose, Berry. But you need not
look so black, Berry, for I don't care a straw, Berry, and
shan't pay you till Christmas, Berry.
""
* *
*
66
"Show me an actor and I'll show you a low-lived, godless
whelp," said a member of the Salvation Army.
A pugilistic actor strode forward and announced himself, as
he struck a boxing attitude.
Exactly so," said the revivalist; "I'll be as good as my
word. Here is the actor shown to me. I am the low-lived
and godless whelp-that is in the sight of heaven."
Griswold's Mr. and Mrs. Macbeth.
66
Macbeth was a Highlander, from Highland county, Ohio.
He was distantly related to the IIighlands of the Hudson.
He early emigrated to Scotland, where he first attracted attention
as a brigadier of militia. One night while crossing a lonely
moor, coming home from a general muster (pretty well pep-
pered), he was accosted by three witches, one of whom cried,
"All hail, Macbeth, Thane of Clam Chowder !" while another
saluted him: "King of the Cannibal Islands!" They all
united in a chorus of "Hoka, poka, waka fum," all of which
had the effect to greatly inflame the ambition of the General.
Thane he was already, but there was one slight difficulty in
the way of his being king-the position was filled. Duncan
held the throne, and it was evident to the most casual observer
that Duncan wasn't such a donkey as to abdicate in favor
of Mac or any other man. He wrote to his wife all about
it, hinting that he would like the situation of king, should
there be a vacancy, having held almost every other office, from
alderman of his native village, up.
Mrs. Macbeth was a strong-minded female, generally under-
stood by the neighbors to wear the breeches. She couldn't
wait for Duncan to pass away in the regular course of nature,
DRAMATIC.
637
so she egged Macbeth on to hasten his demise, and possess
the throne. An opportunity soon offered. The king one
night having remained down town until the street cars had
stopped running, was forced to stay over night at the Macbeth
residence. Mrs. Macbeth showed him every attention. She
gave him the spare bed-room off from the parlor; had a fire
built in the parlor stove; hot water for him to wash in, etc.,
etc. When the good king had retired, Macbeth and his wife
consulted together as to the best plan for removing him from a
world of trouble. It was at length arranged that she should
get his servants drunk on "apple-jack," while he probed the
bosom of the aged Duncan. She would have done it herself, she
said, had he not resembled Macbeth's father-in-law, as he slept.
Macbeth steals on tip-toe to the king's bed-chamber, and
shortly returns with a dagger in each hand, stained with shoke-
berry juice. The deed is executed and stamped, and only re-
quires to be registered. He was very pale and trembled vio-
lently, being seized with that remorse of conscience which
every villain feels after committing crime until he is satisfied
that he isn't going to be caught at it.
He is troubled about the shokeberry juice on his hands, and
wants to know if there is water enough outside of temperance
organizations to wash it off. She tells him that a little turpen-
tine will easily fix that. He starts at every sound and seems
to hear a voice which says, "Sleep no more! Macbeth doth
murder sleep," adding something to the effect that Mrs. Wins-
low's soothing syrup would be unavailing in the future to in-
sure to him a quiet nap. Disgusted with his timidity, she
snatches the daggers from his hands, and, bearing them to the
front parlor, places them by the sides of the king's servants,
who are how-come-you-so, under the piano. This is for the
purpose of fastening suspicion upon them as the guilty parties,
it being the well-known custom of murderers to lie down and
go to sleep immediately after butchering a gentleman, with the
gory implements of their profession in their hands.
638
WIT AND HUMOR.
:
Just before daybreak the door-bell rings; McDuff, a Scotch
nobleman of Irish extraction, who had been up all night at a
Fenian ball, had stopped to see if the king was stirring yet,
not knowing that the king wouldn't stir any more. Macbeth
directs him to the best bedroom where the king lies. He goes
there, but quickly returns with the startling announcement
that the king has been murdered.
Macbeth takes on terribly about it, of course; Mrs. Macbeth
comes in in her cambric muslin and is carried out in a swoon;
the neighbors are aroused, and a messenger is dispatched at
once for the coroner. Macbeth stabs the King's servants, and
tells the jury at the inquest that he couldn't help it when he
saw what they had done- he never was so mortified in all
his life.
The king's sons leave the country, fearful that the malady
that had carried off their father might run in the family, when
Macbeth starts a rumor that they were implicated in the assas-
sination, and appoints himself king. Henceforth his career is
one of blood, ably supported by Mrs. Macbeth, who, like the
devoted wife that she was, did all she could to promote her
husband's prosperity.
They killed Banquo, one of King Duncan's generals, but his
ghost persisted in sitting at their feasts, which didn't improve
their appetites particularly, and was very uncivil in the ghost.
They carried on a general slaughtering business for some time,
but at length McDuff raised a regiment of Fenians, and after
vanquishing the "Queen's Own," put all that the king owned
to flight, when Macbeth was killed in a hand-to-hand prize
fight with McDuff. His last words were, "Lay on, McDuff,
and snuff him out who first cries out, Scotch snuff!" and
McDuff laid on with such effect that Macbeth was soon
knocked out of time.
Mrs. Macbeth fled to America. The last that was heard of
her she was stumping Kansas, under an assumed name, in
favor of female suffrage.
MILITARY JOKES AND WIT.
ANECDOTES AND INCIDENTS.
Bravery of Tim McGowan.
Tim McGowan lost one arm by a steamboat accident before
he got to Mexico. Of course Tim did nothing but hospital
duty in Mexico, but his brother Dennis was always boasting of
Tim's exploits.
(6
Och, murder," says he, "you ought to see Tim at Rye-
Sack a dollare Pole me (meaning Reseca de la Palma). He
caught two Mexican blackguards by the cuffs of their necks
and kilt them both as dead as herrin's by knockin' their heads.
together."
"How could that be," said the listener, "when your brother
had but one arm?"
"Bless your sowl," answered Dennis, "one arm had he?
That's true enough for ye, but then, ye see, Tim forgot all
about that when he got into a fight.'
""
**
*
"Did you kill many rebels during the battle, George?" asked
a fond father of his boy after he returned from Bull Run.
"Well, father, I killed as many of them as they did of me.
—Eli Perkins.
The Wrong Boy in the Army.
Alex Sweet.
A German nobleman had two sons, who were reported to be
rather fast boys. One of them was a clerk in a bank and the
other was an officer in the army.
"How are your sons coming on?" asked a friend.
:
639
640
*
WIT AND HUMOR.
"Bad enough! The one in the bank, who ought to be
drawing drafts, spends all his time out shooting; and the one
in the army, who ought to be busy shooting, is always drawing
drafts on me for money."
66
Eli Perkins' Big Cannon.
Eli Perkins was telling about a large cannon they were making
in at the West Point foundry:
"It is almost as large," he said, "as a cannon I saw in
Europe."
"How large was that?" asked Bill Nye.
Well, sir, it weighed 27 tons. The ball weighed 36 tons,
""
and
(6
'Did they ever shoot it off?" asked Bill.
"Yes; they shot it off one day, and the ball was so heavy
that it stood right still and the cannon went 12 miles."
* *
X
"Well, Pat, my good fellow, an what did you do at the
storming of Stevastopol?" was asked of a Crimean hero.
"Do! your honor! Why, I walked up bowldly to one of
the inimy and cut off his feet.”
"Cut off his feet! and why didn't you cut off his head?"
"Ah, by my faith, that was off already!”
General Lee and the Newspaper Generals.
"We made a great mistake," said Gen. Lee to Mr. Hill, "in
the beginning of our struggle, and I fear, in spite of all we
can do, it will prove to be a fatal mistake."
"What mistake is that, General ?"
'Why, sir, in the beginning we appointed all our worst
generals to command the armies, and all our best generals to
edit newspapers. As you know I have planned some cam-
paigns, and quite a number of battles. I have given the work
*
MILITARY.
641
all the care and thought I could, and sometimes, when my
plans were completed, as far as I could see, they seemed to be
perfect. But when I have fought them through, I have dis
covered defects in advance. When it was all over, I found, by
reading a newspaper, that these best editor-generals saw all the
defects plainly from the start. Unfortunately, they did not
communicate their knowledge to me until it was too late."
Then, after a pause, he added: "I have no ambition but to
serve the Confederacy; I do all I can to win our independence.
I am willing to serve in any capacity to which the authorities
may assign me. I have done the best I could in the field, but
I am willing to yield my place to these best generals, and I
will do my best for the cause editing a newspaper.'
""
* *
*
Probably the most remarkable sense of humor ever known
was that of a German soldier who laughed uproariously all
the time he was being flogged, and when the officer, at the end,
inquired the cause of his mirth, broke out into a fresh fit of
laughter, and cried:
"Why, I'm the wrong man!"
Distinguished South Carolinians.
Eli Perkins.
This morning a well-known Boston man sat down by Senator
Robertson, an old and proud resident of South Carolina, on
the balcony of The States, and commenced ingratiating himself
into the Southerner's. feelings.
"I tell you, sir, South Carolina is a great State, sir," re-
marked Senator Robertson, enthusiastically.
"Yes," said the stranger from Boston, "she is. I knew a
good many people down there myself-and splendid people
they were, too--as brave and high-toned as the Huguenots."
"You did, sir?"
“Oh !
yes, sir. I knew some of the greatest men your State
ever saw. sir-knew 'em intimately, sir," continued the Boston
642
WIT AND HUMOR.
man, confidentially drawing his chair closer and lighting his
cigar.
}
"Who did you know down thar, sir-in the old Palmetto
State?" asked the Southerner.
66
Well, sir, I knew General Sherman, and General Kilpat-
patrick, and-"
"Great guns!" interrupted the South Carolinian, and then
he threw down his cigar and rushed straight into the bar-room
to drown his troubles.
Very Dangerous.
Eli Perkins.
When Colonel Clark and Adjutant Fitzgerald of the Seventh
Regiment came to the Grand Union to see Jim Breslin and
borrow some nut-crackers for the regiment, John Cecil and
Abiel Haywood said it wouldn't do to let 'em have 'em.
66
Why?" asked the Adjutant, indignantly.
"Because it's dangerous," said Mr. John Cecil.
"How dangerous?"
"Why, Colonel," said Mr. Cecil, as he wiped his head with
a red bandana handkerchief, "don't you know that when the
boys crack the nuts they'll be liable to burst the shells against
the kernel? "
Uncle William in Battle.
Yes, my uncle William was a patriotic man. He was always
first in battle- coming home (laughter). The battle of Bull
Run was a great battle. My Uncle William was there, boldly
fighting for two days sometimes on one side and sometimes
on the other (laughter).
Yes, my Uncle William was a very patriotic man. He loved
the glorious stars and stripes - loved to rally around the dear
old flag- and he said he was willing to leave the thickest of
the fight, any time, just to go to the rear and rally around
it! (loud laughter).
$
MILITARY.
643
I must tell the audience how Uncle William and I killed our
last rebel. We marched out to Bull Run with Fitz John
Porter, Uncle William and I did, and, when we got about half
way there, we met a rebel in ambush. He pulled out his
revolver; Uncle William and I pulled out our bowie-knives
and then we both took the lead from the start and kept it clear
into Washington City (loud laughter).
I can see my Uncle William with my mind's eye at the battle
of Bull Run even as I saw him with my real eye at the battle
of Gettysburg, for I too was there, fighting for my country;
and while that sanguinary conflict was at its height, while the
leaden messengers of death flew thick and fast around me I--I
left! (loud laughter).
Alas, my Uncle afterward fell at the battle of Brandy-wine
(laughter), but he got up again (laughter). He said he didn't
want to stand there and interfere with the bullets (loud
laughter).
**
*
A German enlisted in the regular army; in the course of a
few days he was put on picket duty. His instructions were
when anybody approached to say: "Who comes there?" three
times, and then shoot.
Before long he perceived a man approaching; he waited
quietly until the man came very near, when he suddenly
brought his musket to his shoulder and shouted :
"Who comes dere three times?" Bang!
Napoleon Four Times Over the Alps.
Col. Bill Stebbins, a militia colonel, sat by his warm bar-
room stove, indulging at once his indolence and literary taste
the former in the natural way, and the latter in reading a
history of Napoleon.
The colonel read a page or two, when he yielded to a desire
to sleep. Some of those roguish boys who were making the
644
WIT AND HUMOR.
colonel one of their regular calls, conceived the idea of turning
back the leaves to where he first commenced. The colonel
wakes up in the process of time, and renews his reading; reads
as far as it continues interesting, when he again falls asleep,
and the boys turn back the leaves as before. This is repeated
four times, when a bright idea effectually wakes the colonel up.
"Gosh, boys! that Napoleon's the smartest feller ever lived!
crossed the Alps four times in one day and dragged a heavy
cannon after him !”
Indiana Strategy.
An Indiana company, almost worn out with march, was
straggling along at Bull Run with very little regard to order.
Hurrying up to his men, the new captain shouted:
"Close up, boys! d-n you, close up! If the enemy were
to fire on you when you're straggling along that way they couldn't
hit a d-n one of you! Close up!”
Farragut and the Irishman.
An old sailor, with plenty of grog aboard, was staggering
near a navy-yard, when he was met by Admiral Farragut, who
was in command. The sailor, not saluting, as he should have
done, the admiral, who was very strict in this particular,
addressed the sailor:
"Do you belong to the United States Navy?"
Sailor. "Well, I don't know whether I do or not."
1
Adiniral. "Don't you? What ship do you belong to?
Do you know that?"
Sailor. "I hardly know that, either."
Admiral. "Well, sir, do you know me?"
Sailor. "No, sir."
Admiral. "I am Admiral Farragut, of the United States
Navy, and commander of this navy-yard."
MILITARY.
645
Sailor. "Well, admiral, there's one thing I do know, and
that is, you've got a good job."
In his laughter the admiral forgot the salute, and the sailor
"steered" ahead.
Sacrificing Himself for His Country.
Just after the war no one could be elected to office who
hadn't been in the war.
When Colonel Johnson was a candidate for congress in one
of the Northwestern States, he was opposed by a gentleman
who had distinguished himself at the battle of Gettysburg.
Discovering, in the course of the canvass, that his opponent's
ilitary reputation was operating strongly to his own prejudice,
he concluded to let the people know that he was not unknown
to fame as a soldier himself; and accordingly, in his next
speech, he expatiated on his achievements in the tented field,
as follows:
4.6
My competitor has told you of the services he rendered
the country in the last war. Let me tell you that I, too, acted
an humble part in that memorable contest. When the tocsin
of war summoned the chivalry of the west to rally to the
defense of the national honor, I, fellow citizens, animated by
that patriotic spirit which glows in every American bosom,
hired a substitute for that war, and the bones of that man now
lie bleaching on the banks of the Chickahominy !”
Pat and General Burnside.
Harpers Drawer
Pat. "Jamie, did ye iver know General Burnside?"
Jamie. "No, I niver had the honor."
Pat. "Well, he's the finest gintleman in the worrald
Och, didn't he set his heart by his soger boys! I mind me well
whin I was in the ould bloody Sixty-ninth Rigiment, and at
the first battle of Bull Run. At the very furst volley wo
646
WIT AND HUMOR.
resaved from the inemy the Gineral rode over like the divil' toʻ
our rigiment, and stopped right in front of me, and sez he to
me, sez he, 'Corporal McQuinn, are you hurt?' 'No, sir,' sez
I. 'Then,' sez he to me, sez he, let the battle go on.""
X X
X
Major, I see two cocktails carried to your room every
morning, as if you had some one to drink with."
"Yes, sir; one cocktail makes me feel like another man;
and, of course, I'm bound to treat the other man."
66
The captain, who was a cool joker, was always quizzing his
lisping officer, a lieutenant, for his nervousness.
"Why," said he, one day, in the presence of his company,
nervousness is all nonsense; I tell you, lieutenant, no brave
man will be nervous.'
66
""
Self Possession.
'Well," inquired his lisping friend, "how would you do,
thupose a shell with an inch futhee thould drop itthelf in a
walled angle, in which you had taken thelter from a company
of tharp-thootherth, and where it was thertain, if you put out
your nothe, you would get peppered ? "
"How?" said the captain, winking at the circle, "why,
take it cool and spit on the fusee.”
The party broke up, and all retired except the patrol. The
next morning a number of soldiers were assembled on the
parade and talking in clusters, when along came the lisping
lieutenant. Lazily opening his eyes, he remarked:
"I want to try an experiment thith morning, and thee how
extheeding cool you can be."
Saying this he walked deliberately into the captain's quar-
ters, where a fire was burning on the hearth, and placed in
its hottest center a powder-canister, and instantly retreated.
There was but one mode of egress from the quarters, and that
was upon the parade ground, the road being built up for de-
MILITARY.
647
F
fense; the occupant took one look at the canister, compre-
hended his situation, and in a moment dashed at the door, but
it was fastened on the outside.
"Charlie, let me out if you love me!" shouted the captain.
"Thpit on the canither!" shouted he in return.
Not a moment was to be lost; he had at first snatched up
a blanket to cover his egress, but now, dropping it, he raised
the window, and out he bounded, sans culottes, sans every-
thing but a very short under-garment, and thus, with hair
almost on end, he dashed upon a full parade ground. The
shout which hailed him brought out the whole barracks to see
what was the matter, and the dignified captain pulled a ser-
geant in front of him to hide himself.
'Why didn't you thpit on it?" inquired the lieutenant.
"Because there were no sharp-shooters in front to stop a
retreat," answered the captain.
"All I got to thay, then, ith," said the lieutenant, "that you
might thafely have done it; for I'll thware there wathn't a
thingle grain of powder in it."
**
*
"The password is 'Saxe;' now don't forget it, Pat," said
the colonel, just after the battle of Fontenoy, at which Saxe
was marshal.
"Sacks? Faith, and I will not.
Wasn't my father a miller?"
"Who goes there?" cried the sentinel, after the Irishman
had arrived at his post.
Pat was as wise as an owl, and, in a sort of whispered yell,
replied:
"Bags, yer honor! "
How Cornwallis Surrendered.
Not long since, being at Yorktown, Virginia, I fell into a
discussion with a very old man, who was quite communicative.
As nearly as I can recall the words his narrative was follows:
45
648
WIT AND HUMOR.
"I see Gen. Washington? Yes, sah! Why, I was here
all de time. See de British? See Cornwallis? To be sho';
wasn't I here--right here-all de time? Suttenly—I seen 'em
all. Now I tell you, massa. I see Gen. Washington, and he
was a settin' on his hoss, and a eatin' of a peach; and Corn-
wallis he come out, a slippin around to get away, and he start
out down toward the creek, and he start to run, but Gen.
Washington, he see him, d'rectly, an' he started arter him;
and Gen. Washington, he didn't want to take no advantage of
him, so he ran well-an' pretty soon he catch Cornwallis, an
he catch him by de neck, an' say: 'You d scoundrel, I
got you!' And Cornwallis, he turn round, an' handed Mr.
Gen. Washington his sword, and Gen. Washington, he 'jess
took it an' cut his head off! See it? To be sho' I see it. I
was right here all de time, massa-how I gwine help see it?
Jess as I tell you. Gen. Washington was a sittin' on his hoss,
an' eatin' of a peach-"
But it is not necessary for me to repeat the old man's story
as often as he did. Suffice to say that he never varied it in any
particular, thus furnishing one of the best indicia of veracity
and accuracy.
56
X X
X
Ginger, why don't you enlist?" asked a white soldier.
"Wal, massa," said the contraband, "did you ever see two
dogs fightin' for a bone?'
""
"Certainly, Ginger."
"Wal, did you ever see de bone fight?
"No."
"Wal, massa, I is de bone!"
* X
X
J
""
A soldier of a cavalry regiment was brought up for stealing
his comrade's liquor ation. He was an Irishman, and his
defense was unique:
"I'd be sorry indade, surr, to be called a thafe! I put the
liquor in the same bottle, and mine was at the bottom; and
sure, I was obliged to drink his to get at me own.
22
MILITARY.
649
Eli Ferkins' Bull Run Story.
At the battle of Bull Run, General Alger met a breathless
soldier fleeing with the rest of the army towards Washington.
The soldier had a wound on his face.
"That's a bad wound, my man," said the General, as the
soldier halted. "Where did you get it?"
“Got it in the Bull Run fight yesterday."
"But how could you get hit in the face at Bull Run?"
"Well, sir," said the man, half apologetically, "I got care-
less and looked back!"
Ben. Butler and Horace Greeley-
General Butler saw Horace Greeley standing in a crowd one
day, writes Eli Perkins, and wishing to have a little innocent
fun with him walked up to the group and, taking the Tribune
philosopher by the hand, said:
"Mr. Greeley and I, gentlemen, are old friends. We have
drank a good deal of brandy and water together.”
"Yes," said Mr. Greeley, "that is true enough General, you
drank the brandy, and I drank the water.”
The Chaplain's Parable on the Baptists.
Our Chaplain, writes Eli Perkins, was a staunch Presby-
terian; he was orthodox to the core but always enjoyed this
story on the Baptists. He called it his "parable of the
Baptists."
"One day," he said, "I dreamed that a Baptist friend of
mine died, and, like all good Baptists, went to Heaven. At
the pearly gate stood St. Peter welcoming the new comers,
while away back in behind, in a fiery room, was the Devil.
He was piling on sulphur and burning wicked Presbyterians
and Prohibitionists and Methodists. When the good Baptist
minister knocked at the gate, St. Peter opened it and asked:"
"Who are you?”
650
WIT AND HUMOR.
"I'm a Baptist," said my friend, bowing.
"A what?" asked St. Peter, in surprise.
"A Baptist," I say.
"A Baptist?" repeated St. Peter. "Baptist? Why, we didn't
have any Baptists in my time, when I was the first Pope.
What do you Baptists do?"
66
Why, we baptise people down under the water."
"Clear under?" asked St. Peter.
"Yes, clear under."
"But suppose it is cold and icy?"
"Down they go under the ice.'
""
The devil happened to overhear the word ice, and now
left the fire and rushed up to my friend.
"What did you say about ice?" he asked.
"
"Why we baptise people down under the ice.”
"Clear under?"
"Yes-forty below zero. Down they go!"
The Devil seemed troubled in deep thought and then
said hastily:
"Here, you take my place! I've found something worse.
than fire!"
*
If you get the best of whiskey, whiskey will get the best
of you.
* *
Mike's Opinion of the Army Surgeon.
"Arrah, Mister Charles! don't mind the docther: he's a
poor crayther entirely; little does he know."
"Why, what do you mean, Mike? He's a regular army
surgeon."
"Dear me! and so he may be," said Mike with a toss of his
head: "those army docthers isn't worth their salt. It's thruth
I'm telling you. Sure, didn't he come to see me when I was
MILITARY.
651
Terribly
sick in the hospital? How do you feel?' says he.
dry in the mouth,' says I. 'But your bones,' says he: 'how's
them?' As if cripples was kicking me,' says I. Well, with
that he went away, and brought back two powders. Take
and ye'll be cured in no time.' 'What's
6
6
(
;
them,' says he,
them?' says I. They are emetics,' says he. 'Blood and
ages !' says I, are they?' 'It's thrue what I tell ye,' says he
'take them immediately.' Ituk them; and would you believe
me, Mister Charles,—it's thruth I'm telling ye,-not one o' them
would stay on my stomach. So you see what a docther he is.
Sure he isn't worth his salt."
De Pen or de Sword.
A Georgia colored lyceum discussed the question, “Which
is de most powerful, de pen or de sword, the newspaper or de
gun?" The debate was closed by a disputant, who spoke as
follows:
"Mr. President: S'pose dar war a bar at de do', an' you
war to go dar and shake de newspaper at him, you'd see what
de bar would do. But jess shoot a cannon at him and see
what comes. I calls for de question."
The president forthwith decided in favor of the gun.
Hard Times on the Border.
One morning a party were sitting at White Sulphur, and the
conversation had fallen upon the late war. Personal reminis-
cence was in order. Each was the hero of his own hair-breadth
escape, and the sequel was blood and thunder.
Within earshot sat an old gray-coated Virginian, attentively
listening and turning his cud reflectively between his teeth.
At length he spoke :
"Gentlemen, you have all been through a heap, but they
hain't none of you had a wuss time nor I, I'll bet.”
652
WIT AND HUMOR.
"Which side was you on?" asked one.
"Nary a side, gentlemen, but I had a very hard time," and
the old fellow, drawing out his cud of reflection, proceeded :
"Wall, when the war fust broke out, I didn't know much
about it, nohow. I was a studying it out, but I hadn't come
to no judgment. One night my darter, Mary Ann, took power
ful sick. The doctor he wrote a script and told me to go right
off and get it; so I bridled my old mar' and started. Wall,
gentlemen, when I got, I reckon, 'bout three miles from home
it was monstrous dark- some one called, 'Halt!' and I
halted. Fust thing I knowed I was a prisoner, and the boys
were 'round thicker than June-bugs. Sez I, Gentlemens,
darter Mary Ann-'Sez they, 'Darn Mary Ann! Who are
you fur? Speak out. Hurrah for somebody!' I studied a
minit, and sez I, on a venture like, 'Hurrah for Jeff Davis !'
They sez, mad as hornets, 'I told you he was a rebel. Git off
that mar'!' 'Gentlemens, I hain't tellin' you no lie,' I sez.
They took me off that mar', and buckled me over a log and hit
me over five hundred times. It hurt me powerful bad; I was
monstrous sore. I mounted my mar' and started on.
"I hadn't got more'n three miles when I heerd another voice
call out, 'Halt!' and I halted; and again the boys had me.
'Who are you for?' sez they. Sez I, 'Gentlemen's my darter,
Mary Ann, is powerful sick, and the doctor-' 'Darn the
doctor! Who are you fur. Hurrah for somebody!'
"I wa'n't going to be kotched again, so I just took off my
hat, and I sez, as loud as I could, 'Hurrah for Lincoln !
'There,' sez they, madder nor blazes, 'I told you he was a
traitor. Get down off that mar'. Gentlemens I haint telling
you no lie. They tuck me off that mar, buckled me over a log,
and just gin me five hundred mo'. It was monstrous bad.
But I got on an' went along. Just as I was a cuming into
town another voice called out, 'Halt!' and I halted. 'Who
are you for?' sez he; 'Hurrah for somebody.' Gentlemens,
MILITARY.
653
I wasn't never a goin' to be kotched again. I jest sez, 'Mister,
you jest be so kind as to hurrah fust, jest this once.”
* *
X
Captain (to two soldiers practicing with their rifles): "Come,
let me have one of your rifles. You shoot wretchedly." (He
shoots and misses.) "There," he says, "that's the way you
shoot." (Shoots and misses again. To second soldier): "And
that's the way you shoot." (Shoots again and this time hits):
"And that's the way I shoot."
Eli Fights Ireland's Battles.
Patriotism is always noble.
Poor down-trodden Ireland! The other day I met the noble
Irish patriots who groan and suffer beneath the tyrant heel of
British oppression
at Delmonico's.
These poor down-trodden patriots met to eat some venison
and a few canvas-back ducks and talk and mourn about the
tyrant heel of Despotic England. They also had green seal—
$7 per seal.
They were very sad.
66
'How is the patriotic cause-why these sighs-Signior Mc-
Flannigan?" I asked. I referred to the aforesaid tyrant heel
business in Ireland.
"Mr. Perkins-we are broken-hearted-miserable! We are
still fettered by the shackles and we still groan beneath the
iron heel of British oppression. O, will you not join in sym-
pathy with us, Mr. Perkins?"
I told him, I would. Said I: “I don't mind being ground
under the tyants' heel a little-p-r-o-v-i-d-e-d there is Green
Seal enough to go 'round-I don't mind sympathizing-
""
"Have some more venison? Mr. Perkins."
"I don't mind if I do," said I, "and now," said I, pouring
out another glass of sparklin' nectar, "I'm willing to say that
{
654
WIT AND HUMOR.
I'm willing to sympathize-and s-u-f-f-er with you to strike
for freedom with you-here in New York-and s-t-r-u-g-g-l-e on
as long as
">
"As long as what? O, name it!" said Lary McFaden.
66
Why, as long as the Green Seal holds out," said I, wipin'
my lips with a patriotic thrill.
"M-a-g-n-animous Americans!" exclaimed the patriots.
Lafayette' of Ireland !" and then they all buried their deep
grief and memory of British shackles in some more Green
Seal-kindly furnished by the millionaire servant girls of New
York.
((
Where Warren Fell.
Chas. Francis Adams was escorting a British friend to view
the different objects of attraction in the vicinity of Boston,
brought him to Bunker Hill. They stood looking at the splen-
did monument, when Mr. Adams remarked:
"This is the place, sir, where Warren fell.'
"Ah!” replied the Englishman, evidently not posted up in
local historical matters, "did it hurt him much?"
Mr. Adams looked at his friend. "Hurt him;" said he;
"he was killed, sir."
"Ah! he was, eh?" said the Englishman, still eyeing the
monument, and commencing to compute its height in his own
mind, layer by layer. "Well, I should think he would have
been, to fall so far."
The Irishman on Guard.
An Irish sentinel in Colonel Gillam's Middle Tennessee
Regiment, while stationed at Nashville, during the late rebel-
lion, was detailed on guard duty on a prominent street of that
city. It was his first experience at guard-mounting, and he
strutted along his beat apparently with a ful! appreciation of
his position. As a citizen approached he shouted:
MILITARY.
655
"Halt! Who comes there?"
"A citizen !”
"Advance, citizen, and give the countersign.
99
"I haven't the countersign; and if I had, the demand for it
at this time and place is something very strange and unusual,
rejoined the citizen.
"An' by the howly Moses, ye don't pass this way at all, be
jabers, till ye say Bunker Hill," was Pat's reply.
The citizen, appreciating the "situation," advanced and
cautiously whispered in his ear the necessary words.
66
Right! Pass on," and the wide-awake sentinel resumed
his beat.
* *
*
""
A sentinel was accused of sleeping on his watch.
"How could I sleep on my watch when it was at the pawn
broker's?" he triumphantly replied.
* *
*
Skinner had been telling a big yarn about his regiment in
the war, when a little boy asked:
"Did the enemy run?"
"Did they run?" said Skinner. "Great Scott, how they did
run! My dear boy, they ran so like thunder that we had to
run three miles to keep out the way, and if we hadn't thrown
our guns away they'd have run over us sure.”
8
GREAT MEN, ANECDOTES OF.
ANECDOTES OF DISTINGUISHED MEN
Greeley Defeated by Politeness.
Eli Perkins.
"I was once fairly used up and made ashamed by the polite
ness of Captain Sherman, who used to command a steamboat
on Lake Champlain," said Horace Greeley.
"How was that?" I asked.
"Well, one day I was a fellow-passenger with Captain Sher-
man in a stage-coach from Schenectady to Albany. There
were no ladies in the coach, and, after reaching the suburbs of
Schenectady, the captain, a very polite man, took out a cigar-
case and offered me a cigar, which I declined. After we had
resumed conversation, the captain, who loved to smoke, took
a cigar out of his case and put it in his mouth."
of
"I hope, gentlemen," he courteously remarked, "that none
you have
any objections to this cigar?"
They all said they had no objections.
"And you, my friend, have you any objection?" asked the
captain, looking at me.
"None in the world," I said, and then added, "when it is
not lighted."
"Oh," said the captain, politely, "I had not the remotest
thought of lighting it," and then he looked out of the window
very complacently. The passengers all looked at Captain
Sherman and then at me. I felt as if I had been beaten in
politeness. I felt mean about it. I couldn't look at the cap-
tain with that cigar in his mouth, without a feeling that he was
a gentleman, and that I was acting meanly. So, at last. I said:
656
!
657
"I beg your pardon, captain, but I really think I should feel
better if you should smoke that cigar."
"Certainly," said the captain, "I shall be only too happy
to smoke it, if it will give you pleasure!”
"And when he lighted it," said Mr. Greeley, laughing,
"I really felt as if a great load had been lifted off my mind."
GREAT MEN.
Randolph and Clay.
John Randolph and Henry Clay, writes Eli Perkins, once
had a quarrel in the Senate at Washington. For several
weeks they did not speak, when one day they met on Penn-
sylvania avenue. Each saw the other coming up the side
walk which was very narrow at that particular point, and each
was meditating as to how far he would turn out for the other
to pass.
As Randolph came up he looked the grand old
Kentuckian straight in the eye, and, keeping the sidewalk,
hissed:
"I never turn out for scoundrels !"
"I always do," said Mr. Clay as he stepped politely out
into the mud and let Randolph have the walk.
Randolph Matched.
One night when John Randolph traveling through the “Old
Dominion" he stopped at an inn near the forks of two roads.
The inn-keeper was a fine old gentleman, and knowing who
his distinguished guest was, he endeavored, during the even-
ing, to draw him into a conversation, but failed. But in the
morning, when Mr. Randolph was ready to start, he called for
his bill and paid it. The landlord, still anxious to have some
conversation, addressed him again :
"Which way are you traveling, Mr. Randolph!
"Sir?" said Mr. Randolph, with a look of displeasure.
""
:
658
WIT AND HUMOR.
:
"I asked," said the landlord, "which way are you travel
ing?"
"Have I paid you my bill!"
"Yes."
"Do I owe you anything more?"
"No."
"Well, I'm going just where I please; do you understand?"
"Yes."
The landlord by this time got somewhat excited, and Mr.
Randolph drove off. But to the landlord's surprise, in a few
minates he sent one of the servants to inquire which of the
forks of the road to take. Mr. Randolph still being within
hearing distance, the landlord yelled at the top of his voice:
"Mr. Randolph, you don't owe me one cent; just take
whichever road you please.'
""
Daniel Webster's Bird Story.
Webster was out one day on the marshes near Marshfield,
busily shooting birds. It was a hot afternoon in August. The
farmers were getting their salt hay on the marshes:
He came, in the course of his rambles, to the Green-Harbor
River, which he wished to cross. He beckoned to one of the
men on the opposite bank to take him over in his boat, which
lay moored in sight. The man at once left his work, came
over, and paddled Mr. Webster_across the stream. He de-
clined the payment offered him, but lingered a moment, with
Yankee curiosity, to question the stranger. He surmised who
Mr. Webster was, and with some hesitation, remarked:
"This is Daniel Webster, I believe."
"That is my name," replied the sportsman.
"Well, now," said the farmer, "I am told you can make
from $3 to $5 a day, pleading cases up in Boston.”
Mr. Webster replied that he was sometimes so fortunate as
to receive that amount for his services.
&
GREAT MAN.
659
"Well, now," returned the rustic, "it seems to me, I de-
clare, if I could get as much in the city pleadin' law-cases, I
would not be a-wadin' over these marshes this hot weather,
shootin' little birds.
William Penn and the Drunkard.
William Penn, the great Pennsylvania Quaker, was once
advising a drunkard to leave off his habit of drinking intoxi-
cating liquors.
"Can you tell me how to do it?" said the slave of the
appetite.
"Yes," answered Penn, "it is just as easy as to open thy
hand, friend."
"Convince me of that, and I will promise upon my honor
to do as you tell me,” replied the drunkard.
"Well, my friend, when thou findest any vessel of intoxicat-
ing liquor in thy hand, open the hand that contains it before it
reaches thy mouth and thou wilt never be drunk again."
The toper was so pleased with the plain advice that he fol-
lowed it.
A Story of Webster and Choate.
W. W. Corcorane, the Washington banker and philan-
thropist, writes Eli Perkins, was personally acquainted with
both Daniel Webster and Rufus Choate.
"Choate and Webster" said Mr. Corcorane, "were very
intimate when they were in Washington, and each knew as
little about finances as the other. One day Choate needed
$500 and he applied to Mr. Webster. 'Five hundred dollars!'
says Mr. Webster. No, I havent it this moment, but I will
get it for you, Choate.' The latter was glad to hear it and
would wait. 'Draw your note,' said Webster. 'I'll sign it
and bring you the money. While you are about it, make the
note for a thousand; a thousand is as easy to get as five hun
660
WIT AND HUMOR.
dred. Mr. Choate said that five hundred was all he needed.
'I'll take the other five hundred,' said Webster. The note was
drawn, and Mr. Webster taking his cane, walked over to our
bank."
"Good morning, Mr. Corcorane," said the great statesman.
"Good morning, Mr. Secretary," I said. "What can I do
for you today?" I was anxious to do anything for Mr. Webster
because he was secretary of state, and our bank was the fiscal
agent of the government.
"I have a little favor to ask in behalf of my old friend
Rufus Choate," said Webster. "You see he wants a little
money, and I told him I thought I could arrange it with your
bank for him. A thousand, I believe, he made his note for,"
passing the crumpled paper over to me.
“There was no such thing as hesitating," said Mr. Corcorane,
"much less declining, and I was only happy to accommodate
the head of Mr. Fillmore's administration. So the gold was
laid out, in two equal piles, at Mr. Webster's request.
Putting one in each pocket, and with one of the bows which
Mr. Webster only could give, departed.'
""
"Well, what was the sequel; of course Choate had to pay
the whole amount," suggested a bystander.
"No, I don't know what the sequel was with Choate and
Webster,” replied Mr. Corcorane, "they both died without
telling me. But I know what the sequel is with me. "I've
got two autographs of two distinguished statesmen, and I value
them far beyond a thousand dollars. Why this Webster and
Choate note will some day when I am dead and gone, sell for
five thousand dollars!"
हन
Aristippus, the Greek Wit.
Æschines Jokes, translated by Eli Perkins.
Aristippus, a pupil of Socrates, was, perhaps, the most cut-
ting wit in Athens. No one, not even the Emperor Dionysius,
could measure swords with him. In giving his wit I am
GREAT MEN.
661
obliged to translate it into modern language to save the true
meaning:
One day Aristippus went to Dionysius and asked him for
some money.
((
"What you want money, Aristippus!" exclaimed Diony-
sius, why, you philosophers have always taught that a wise
man never wants anything."
"
"Never mind talking about philosophy now," said Aris-
tippus. "You let me have the money and we will talk about
philosophy afterwards.”
Very well, here it is," said Dionysius, handing him fifty
drachmas.
"All right," said Aristippus, as he counted over the money.
"Now, you see, I don't want anything. Good morning,
Dionee-sius!"
*
*
*
One day, Simus, the vulgar, red-faced steward of Dionysius,
who was half drunk at the time, was showing Aristippus his
magnificent house, paved with white marble.
*
*
Aristippus looked around for a place to expectorate, and not
wishing to expectorate on the white marble, hawked and spit
in Simus' dirty face.
Colonel Fisk as Baron Munchausen.
"What do you mean (hic) by spitting in my face?" asked
Simus indignantly.
"O, I beg pardon," said Aristippus, "I took it for the
spittoon. It was the dirtiest thing in the house."
Eli Perkins.
When the French prima donna, Madame Montaland, arrived
from Paris, Col. James Fisk, who was at that time our Ameri
can Munchausen, took extra pains to make a good impression.
on his beautiful prima donna.
On the first afternoon, after Montaland had seen Fisk's won-
derful opera house, the colonel took her out to Central Park
662
WIT AND HUMOR.
7
"
behind his magnificent six-in-hand. Passing up Fifth avenue,
Montaland's eyes rested on A. T. Stewart's marble house.
"Vat ees zat?" she asked in broken French.
46
Why, that is my city residence," said Fisk, with an air of
profound composure.
"C'est magnifique c'est grande!" exclaimed Montaland,
in admiration.
"W
Soon they came to Central Park.
"Vat ees zees place?" asked Montaland.
"O, this is my country seat; these are my grounds — my
cattle and buffaloes, and those sheep over there compose my
pet sheep-fold," said Fisk, twirling the end of his mustache
a la Napoleon.
"C'est tres magnifique!" exclaimed Montaland in bewilder-
ment. "Mr. Feesk is one grand Américain !"
By-and-by they rode back and down Fifth avenue, by the
great white Catholic cathedral.
"And is zees your grand maison, too," asked Montaland, as
she pointed up to the marble temple.
66
No, Miss Montaland; to be frank with you, that building
does not belong to me," as he settled back with his hand in
his bosom "that belongs to my partner, Mr. Gould."
Daniel Webster and the Farmer.
Webster liked to commune with plain people, living in out
of-the-way places, whom he encountered. On one of his fish
ing excursions he went to make trial of a certain brook, and
drove to the house of a Mr. Baker, whom he knew by name,
and asked permission of the old man to fasten his horse for an
hour or two. This was readily granted, and as he was pre-
paring his rod and line, the following conversation occurred:
"I have heard that there was very good fishing in this
brook, Mr. Baker," remarked Mr. Webster.
"Well, a good many folks have been here, and taken a good
many trout out sometimes."
GREAT MEN.
663
"We must try and see what we can do this morning," con-
tinued Webster. "Where do they usually begin to fish?”
"O I'll show you," said the old man accompanying Mr.
Webster to the brook, and pointing out the spot.
It was where the brook was thickly overhung with alders,
and the ground was very miry. Mr. Webster sank into the
mud half-way up his leg.
"Rather miry here, Mr. Baker," said Mr. Webster.
"Yes, I know it, and that's the worst on't," said the farmer.
After throwing several times and catching his hook in the
alders Webster remarked, "These alders are rather in the way,
Mr. Baker."
"Yes, I know it. That's the worst on't."
The mosquitoes now began to bite most annoyingly. One
hand was busy all the time slapping them off the face. “These
mosquitoes are pretty thick and very hungry, Mr. Baker.”
That's the worst on't."
"Yes, I know it.
Now the heat in the low ground, without a breath of air,
had become intense. Mr. Webster wiped his forehead, rested
a moment and said: "It is very hot down in these bushes,
Mr. Baker."
"Yes, I know it. That's the worst on't."
Mr. Webster resumed his fishing, and after an hour's strug
gle with the heat, the bushes, the mire and the mosquitoes
remarked: “There seems to be no fish here, Mr. Baker."
"Yes, I know it. That's the worst on't."
There was no resisting this. Mr. Webster put up his rod
and departed; but he laughed all the way home at the "worst
on't," and always took pleasure in recalling the occurrence to
mind.
Mark Twain's Juryman.
"What street is this?" asked a bewildered arrival in
Chicago.
"Don't know sir," said the busy Chicagoite, buried in
thought.
"Well, what city is it, London or Chicago?"
664
WIT AND HUMOR.
"Don't know, I tell you. Don't know anything about
anything."
"Don't you know nothing at all?”
"No, I don't."
"Gosh! you're just the man I'm looking for. I want you."
"What do you want me for?"
"I want you to go to Denver and sit on a jury."
Where Gen. Grant Learned Strategy.
Eli Perkins.
Gen. Grant said that when he was a little boy, living on his
father's farm in Ohio, his father took him into the stable one
day, where a row of cows stood in their uncleaned stalls.
"Said he, Ulysses, the stable window is pretty high for a
boy, but do you think you could take this shovel and clean out
the stable?'
"I don't know, father,' says I; 'I never have done it.'
666
'Well, my boy, if you will do it this morning, I'll give you
this bright silver dollar,' said my father, patting me on my
head, while he held the silver dollar before my eyes.
“Good,' says I; 'I'll try,' and then I went to work.
tugged and pulled and lifted and puffed, and finally it was
done, and father gave me the bright silver dollar, saying:
"That's right,' Ulysses, you did it splendidly, and now I
find you can do it so nicely, I shall have you do it every morn-
ing all winter.""
I
рекосов
How Wm. M. Evarts and David Davis Ran a Race.
While Senator David Davis was dining one day at Worm-
ley's with some friends, among whom was the slim Mr. Wm. M.
Evarts, the conversation drifted to athletic sports and foot-races.
Mr. Evarts, with a view to one of his sarcastic jests, turned to
the great trunk alongside of him, from which he himself may
be supposed to have been whittled off as a sliver, and suggested
that such sports were something entirely out of his line.
GREAT MEN.
665
"Well, Evarts,” replied Judge Davis, "perhaps you think
I can't run? Now, look here, I'll bet you a case of wine I can
beat you a hundred yards if you will let me choose my ground
and will give me five yards start. I'm heavy, you know, and
I want solid footing."
Mr. Evarts was satisfied that he "had a dead sure thing,'
and as the evening had advanced the dignified company re-
solved to unbend itself still further for the sport.
"Come on, then," shouted the senator, "follow me!"
So away they went, down a narrow alley that runs be-
tween Twelfth and Thirteenth streets. Marching into it for a
distance of five yards, while his arms touched the brick work
on each side, he quietly observed : "Now, Evarts, get in
behind me, and take your time.
time. I am going to take mine."
A Very Bright Girl.
+
Eli Perkins.
About a dozen witty commercial travelers were eating at
the West House in Minneapolis, and were being waited on by
young lady waiter girls. One of the girls was very pretty.
Her pretty ways, plump form and trim white toilet drew the
attention of every one. Then she had sweet, rosy cheeks, ivory
teeth and a smile that bewitched the traveling men. After
chaffing the pretty waitress a while, one commercial man, a
handsome young fellow from Boston, looked up and asked:
"What is your name, my pretty waitress?"
((
My name," said the young lady, blushing, "is Pearl."
"Pearl!" repeated the commercial man, "That is a very
pretty name-a v-e-r-y pretty name.' Then thinking a
""
moment he asked:
""
"Are you the pearl of great price?”
"No," modestly replied the pretty girl, "I am the pearl
before swine.”
*
When a man tries to make himself look beautiful he steals
a woman's patent-right.
666
WIT AND HUMOR.
Ben Wade's Wit
Eli Perkins.
Old Ben Wade was traveling over the Union Pacific railroad,
through Cheyenne and Laramie. Sitting down by Jules
Daniels, who ran a ranche at Laramie, old Ben remarked:
"This is a very bad country-a God-forsaken country, Mr.
Daniels."
"This is a very
""
"You are mistaken, Senator," said Jules.
good country. All it lacks is water and good society.
"Yes, that's all hell lacks," growled old Ben
Fenimore Cooper's Good, Honest Wine
Eli Perkins.
When I lectured in Cooperstown, they told me about an
English joker who dined with Fenimore Cooper before he died,
in 1851. Cooper was then the most conspicuous man in the
little town which nestles at the foot of a high mountain and
reposes on the shores of Seneca Lake. One day, while Mr.
Cooper was dining with the Englishman, he poured out some
native wine-wine from grapes raised in his own garden.
Taking up a glass and looking through it with pride, Cooper
remarked:
"Now, Mr. Stebbins, I call this good, honest wine."
'Yes, Mr. Cooper, I agree with you; it is good, honest
wine-poor but honest.""
Mr. Cooper went on telling his Injun stories.
How President Grevy Got Good Coffee.
+
M. Grevy, the President of the French Republic, is ar
epicure in coffee. On a certain occasion, when out hurting
he was benighted in a little wine house in the country.
GREAT MEN.
667
"Have you any chickory?" said he to the man of the house.
"Yes, sir."
66
Bring me some."
The proprietor returned with a small can of chicory.
"Is that all you have?" asked M. Grevy.
"We have a little more.
(6
""
Bring me the rest.”
When he came again with another can of chicory, M. Grevy
said:
“You have no more?"
"No, sir."
"Very well; now go and make me a cup of coffee."
Thad Stevens' Cunning.
Eli Perkins.
One day two business men in Carlisle, Pa., Deacon Skinner
and Bill Thompson, had a quarrel, and Thompson threatened
to assault the Deacon. The quarrel continued till the Deacon
had Thompson arrested for threatening his life. Thompson
employed Thad Stevens to defend him. During the trial “Old
Thad" put Deacon Skinner on the stand and cross-examined
him to break down his case. In Pennsylvania the law is that
if one man complains against another for threatening his life,
and does not swear that he is afraid for his life, then the action
falls to the ground. In this case "Old Thad" broke up Dea-
con Skinner's complaint by the following cross-examination :
"Then you swear, Deacon Skinner," began old Thad, "that
William Thompson, the defendant, threatened your life?"
"Yes, sir; I do."
"And that you are afraid of him?"
"Yes, sir."
“Afraid he will kill you?”
"Yes, sir; I am."
"Well, now, Deacon, if you were a brave man you would
not be afraid of William, would you?"
18
WIT AND HUMOR.
668.
<
"But I am a brave man, sir; I am just as brave as
"I mean if you were really brave," continued old Thad-
"if you were really as brave as ordinary men, you wouldn't be
so easily frightened. If you were really a brave man Thomp-
son couldn't scare you so-could he?"
"But I am a brave man, sir. Thompson can't scare me.
No man can scare me. I'm not afraid of Thompson or any
man in Carlisle, sir; and-"
"Then what in thunder d'you bring this action for?"
screamed old Thad, as he struck the table with his fist.
Eli Perkins on Fisk and Gould and Drew.
99
Once I had occasion to spend an hour with Colonel Fisk and
J. Gould in their palatial Erie office, and a record of that hour
I then wrote out. Fisk was being shaved as I entered, and his
face was half covered with foaming lather. Just then some one
came in and told him that the gentlemen in the office had made
up a purse of $34 to be presented to little Peter, Fisk's favorite
little office boy.
"All right," said the colonel, smiling and wiping the lather
from his face. "Call in Peter."
In a moment little Peter entered with a shy look and seem
ingly half frightened.
66
Well, Peter," said the colonel, as he held the envelope with
the money in one hand and the towel in the other, "what did
you mean, sir, by absenting yourself from the Erie office, the
other day, when both Mr. Gould and I were away, and had
left the whole mass of business on your shoulders?"
Then he frowned fearfully, while Peter trembled from head
to foot.
"But, iny boy," continued Fisk, "I will not blame you;
there may be extenuating circumstances. Evil associates may
have tempted you away. Here, Peter, take this (handing him
the $34), and henceforth let your life be one of rectitude -
GREAT MEN.
669
quiet rectitude, Peter. Behold me, Peter, and remember that
evil communications are not always the best policy, but that
honesty is worth two in the bush."
As Peter went back to his place beside the outside door
everybody laughed, and Fisk sat down again to have the other
side of his face shaved.
Pretty quick in came a little dried-up old gentleman, with
keen gray eyes surmounted by an overpowering Panama hat.
The Erie railway office was then the old gentleman's almost
daily rendezvous. Here he would sit for hours at a time, and
peer out from under his broadbrim at the wonderful move-
ments of Colonel Fisk. Cautious, because he could move but
slowly, this venerable gentleman, who has made Wall street
tremble, hitched up to the gold indicator, all the time keeping
one eye on the quotations and the other on the colonel.
feeler, he ventured to ask :
As a
"How is Lake Shore this morning, Colonel?"
"Peter," said Fisk, with awful gravity, "communicate with
the Great American Speculator and show him how they are
dealing on the street!"
The old man chuckled, Gould hid a sinile while smoothing
his jetty whiskers, and little Peter took hold of the running
wire with Daniel Drew. It was the beginning and the ending
-youth and experience-simplicity and shrewdness-Peter
and Daniel !
Little Peter was about ten years old, and small at that.
Frequently large men would come into the Erie office and
"bore" the Colonel. Then he would say:
"Here, Peter, take this man into custody, and hold him
under arrest until we send for him!"
"You seem very busy today?" I remarked, handing the
Colonel a cigar.
"Yes, Eli," said Fisk, smiling. "I'm trying to find out
from all these papers where Gould gets money enough to pay
his income tax. He never has any money-fact, sir! He
670
WIT AND HUMOR.
even wanted to borrow of me to pay his income tax last
summer, and I lent him four hundred dollars, and that's gone,
too! This income business will be the ruination of Gould."
Here the venerable Daniel Drew concealed a laugh, and
Gould turned clear around, so that Fisk could only see the
back of his head, while his eyes twinkled in enjoyment of the
Colonel's fun.
"What will be the end of putting down the railroad fares,
Colonel?" I asked, referring to the jealous opposition in fares
then existing between the Erie and New York Central.
"End! why we haven't begun yet. We intend to carry
passengers through to Chicago, before we get through, two for
a cent and feed them on the way; and when old Van does the
same the public will go on his road just to spite him!"
"Of course, the Erie is the best road," continued Fisk, in
his Munchausen way. "It runs faster and smoother. When
Judge Porter went up with me in the Directors' car, last
winter, we passed 200 canal boats, about a mile apart, on the
Delaware and Hudson canal. The train went so fast that the
Judge came back and reported that he saw one gigantic canal
boat ten miles long! Fact, sir! We went so fast the Judge
couldn't see the gaps!"
Graveyard Fence.
Somebody in Brattleboro came down to New York to ask
Fisk for a donation to help them build a new fence around the
graveyard where he is now buried.
66
"What in thunder do you want a new fence for?" exclaimed
the Colonel. 'Why, that old fence will keep the dead people
in, and live people will keep out as long as they can, any
way!"
Fisk's Last Joke.
The day before Fisk was shot he came into the office, and
after looking over some interest account, he shouted, "Gould!
Gould!"
1
GREAT MEN.
671
"Well, what?" says Gould, stroking his jetty whiskers.
"I want to know how you go to work to figure this interest
so that it amounts to more than the principal?" said the
Colonel.
Miserable Fisk,
What a miserable reprobate the preachers all make Fisk out
to be! And they are right. Why, the scoundrel actually
stopped his coupé one cold, dreary night on Seventh avenue,
and got out, inquired where she lived, and gave a poor old
beggar woman a dollar! He seemed to have no shame about
him, for the next day the debauched wretch sent her around a
barrel of flour and a load of coal. One day the black-hearted
scoundrel sent ten dollars and a bag of flour around to a widow
woman with three starving children; and, not content with
this, the remorseless wretch told the police captain to look
after all the poor widows and orphans in his ward and send
them to him when they deserved charity. What a shameless
performance it was to give that poor negro preacher $20 and
send him on to Howard University! And how the black-
hearted villain practiced his meanness on the poor, penniless
old woman who wanted to go to Boston, by paying her passage
and actually escorting her to a free state-room, while the old
woman's tears of gratitude were streaming down her cheeks!
Oh! insatiate monster! thus to give money to penniless negro
preachers and starving women and children!
Gen. Sherman and Carl Schurz.
Gen. Sherman bought a supply of shirts from Taylor &
Hufty, and Dick Taylor was the gentleman who waited upon
him, and, of course, they became-or thought they had-quite
well acquainted. One day, after the shirts had been delivered,
Dick met Gen. Sherman and another army officer walking on the
avenue. Walking up to the General, Taylor said:
+
672
WIT AND HUMOR.
“Good morning General. How are you to-day?"
It seems that, although the General apparently remembered
Mr. Taylor's face, he did not place him, and could not call him
by name. While shaking hands, Taylor noticing the slight
defect in the General's memory, thought he would help him
along with the suggestion that he had sold him some shirts, so
he said: "Made your shirts!”
66
'Oh! I beg pardon," said the General quickly, and, turn-
ing to the gentleman with whom he was walking, he said:
allow me to introduce you to my friend
"Ah! Col.
Major Schurz!"
9
Taylor still realized that the General had made another mis-
take, and without any attempt to explain matters he politely
raised his hat and moved on.
Alexander H. Stephens.
Alexander H. Stephens, of Georgia, the old vice-president
of the Southern Confederacy, was always a States Rights man,
but never a Nullifier. His last speech in the old Congress was
on February 12, 1859. The southern members were opposed
to the admission of Oregon as a State, because that being a
free State, would lessen the preponderance of the south and of
the pro-slavery party in Congress. After a noble apostrophe
to the Union, and its glory, he said: "It is for us and for
those who come after us to determine whether this grand
experimental problem shall be worked out." He had before
spoken of the astonished philosophers and crowned heads of
Europe gazing at it in awe. The success, he said, was to be
"not by doing justice to any, not by keeping out any particular
class of States, but by each State remaining a separate and dis-
tinct political organism within itself; all bound together for
general objects under a common head, as it were, a wheel
within a wheel.' Then the number may be multiplied without
limit. Then, indeed, may the nations of the earth look with won-
GREAT MEN.
673
der at our career, and when they hear the noise of the wheels of
our progress in achievement, in development, in expansion, in
glory and renown, it will appear to them not unlike the noise
of great waters-the very voice of the Almighty- Vox populi,
vox Dei!"
After his great Oregon speech, in which the members had
joined the galleries in prolonged applause, Mr. Stephens went
to his room, and on the way overheard a person who had been
present describing the speech of the day in Congress.
<<
Ah,” said he, "you should have seen him, with his slight
form quivering, yet erect like a steel rod, and his shrill voice
ringing through the hushed hall in that grand climax-'Vox
populi, vox Dei!' Oh, it was fine!"
The other fellow, who had not heard it, was a little bored,
and said:
"Y-e-a-s, no doubt; but I'll bet ten dollars you can't tell
what 'Vox populi, vox Dei' means."
"Yes, I can put up your money," was the reply.
This little formality seemed to be effected, and the doubter
said:
66
"Now, what is it in English?"
6
Why," said the enthusiast, it means 'My God, my God!
why hast thou forsaken me?"
"The money's yours," said the other; "but I didn't think
you knew."
Stephen A. Douglass and Beverly Tucker.
Ben Perley Poore.
Stephen A. Douglass was very demonstrative in his pro-
fessions of regard. One day-so the story goes-he sat down
on Beverly Tucker's knee, put his arm around the Virginian's
neck, and exclaimed in his impulsive way:
"Bev., old boy, I love you."
"Douglass,” says Tucker, "will you always love me?”
"Yes, Beverly, I will."
874
WIT AND HUMOR.
"But," persisted Tucker. "will you love me when you get
to be President?"
"If I don't may I be blanked!" says Douglass. "What do
you want me to do for you?"
"Well," says Tucker, "when you get to be President, all I
want you to do for me is to pick out some public place and
put your arm around my neck, just as you are doing now, and
call me Bev."
Aristippus, the Greek Wit.
Aristippus was the great joker of Athens. Eschines says
he ran away from Cyrene, came to Athens, studied sophistry
under Socrates, and then eclipsed Plato, Diogenes, and all of
the Athenian wits in his brilliancy. Like Alcibiades, he was a
high liver, and a very proud man generally.
One day, Polyxenus, a poor cynic and a brother sophist,
also a pupil of Socrates, came to call on Aristippus at his beau-
tiful marble mansion. Of course Aristippus set out an elegant
dinner. Polyxenus looked around the house with amazement
and then commenced lecturing Aristippus on his extravagance.
"Our teacher, Socrates, taught us wisdom and economy,
and cautioned us against luxury and extravagance," said the
cynic.
"How would you like to come and stay with me a week?”
asked Aristippus.
"With all my heart," said the cynic.
"There, now," said Aristippus, "you blame me for doing
just what you are glad to do yourself. It isn't the luxury that
you object to, it is the expense. You are willing to indulge
in luxury if others pay for it. It isn't because I am fond of
luxury, but you are fond of money."
On one occasion, Aristippus asked Dionysius to give him
some money.
GREAT MEN.
675
The king gave it to him, but spat on him at the same time.
When the people laughed, Aristippus said :
"How many of you have let the sea spit salt water all over
you to catch one crab? And why should I not let Dionysius
spit wine on me, when I catch fifty drachma!"-Eschines'
Jokes, translated by Eli Perkins.
Dr. Franklin Turning the Grindstone.
"When I was a little boy, I remember one cold winter's
morning," says Dr. Franklin, "I was accosted by a smiling
man, with an axe on his shoulder.
"My pretty boy," said he, "has your father a grindstone?"
"Yes, sir,” said I.
"You are a fine little fellow," said he, "will you let me
grind my axe on it?”
Pleased with his compliment of "fine little fellow," "O yes,
sir," I answered, "it is down in the shop."
"And you will, my man," said he, patting me on the head,
"get a little hot water?"
How could I refuse? I ran and soon brought a kettle full.
"How old are you, and what's your name," continued he,
without waiting for a reply; "I am sure you are one of the
finest fellows that ever I have seen; will you just turn a few
minutes for me?"
"Tickled with the flattery, like a fool I went to work, and
bitterly did I rue the day. It was a new axe, and I toiled and
tugged till I was almost tired to death. The school-bell rang,
and I could not get away; my hands were blistered, and it
was not half ground. At length, however, the axe was sharp-
ened, and the man turned to me with,
"Now, you little rascal, you've played the truant; scud to
school, or you'll rue it."
Alas! thought I, it was hard enough to turn a grindstone
this cold day, but now to be called a little rascal was too much.
676
WIT AND HUMOR.
It sank deep in my mind, and often have I thought of it since.
-When I see a merchant over-polite to his customers-beg-
ging them to take a little brandy, and throwing his goods on
the counter-thinks I, that man has an axe to grind. When I
see a man flattering the people, making great professions of
attachment to liberty, who is in private life a tyrant, methinks,
look out, good people, that fellow would set you turning grind-
stones. When I see a man hoisted into office by party spirit,
without a single qualification to render him either respectable
or useful, alas! methinks, deluded people, you are doomed for
a season to turn the grindstone for a booby.
* *
*
Eli on Ben Butler.
Gen. Butler went into a hospital in Washington not long
since, writes Eli Perkins, to express sympathy with the
patients.
"What is the matter with you, my man?" asked the Gen-
eral, as he gazed at the man with a sore leg.
"Oh, I've got gangrene, General."
"Gangrene! why, that's a very dangerous disease, my man
-v-e-r-y d-a-n-g-e-r-o-u-s," said Gen. Butler. "I never knew
a man to have gangrene and recover. It always kills the
patient or leaves him demented. I've had it myself!"
* *
*
"I'm bound to live within my means," said Artemus
Ward, "if I have to borrow money to do it.'
""
Anecdote of Chief Justice Waite.
J. G. P. Holden..
Chief Justice Waite, when a young man, was retained in
an assault and battery case in Toledo. He first tried to ascer
tain from the witness, how hard a blow had been given to his
client.
"You struck my client a very hard blow, didn't you?" be
gan Mr. Waite.
GREAT MEN.
677
mess.
61
No, sir, not as hard as I could strike," answered the wit-
"Well, sir, what kind of a blow was given?"
"Oh, an ordinary blow."
"Describe the blow."
"I am not good at description."
"Show me what kind of a blow it was.
"I cannot."
"You must.'
"I won't."
Mr. Waite now appealed to the court. The court told the
witness that if the counsel insisted upon his showing what
kind of a blow it was he must do so.
"Do you insist upon it?" asked the witness.
"I do,” said Mr. Waite.
"Well, then, since you compel me to show you, it was this
kind of a blow!" at the same time suiting the action to the
words and knocking the astonished chief-justice over a table
into a pile of law books.
When Mr. Waite arose to his feet, he said he was perfectly
satisfied that witness had given a precise answer, but in any
future cross-examinations he preferred the witness to be ex-
amined by proxy.
در
Anecdote of General Nye.
Eli Perkins.
General James Nye was once defending a criminal against
whom overwhelming evidence had been brought to bear, and
who had, moreover confessed his crime. There were no ex-
tenuating circumstances in the man's case. General Nye did
not know how to commence his plea. Finally he concluded
to appeal to the jury in the following manner :
"Gentlemen," began the general very solemnly, "you will
not send this man to the scaffold, for death is the end of all
earthly regrets and perhaps the first of eternal pardon. You
کی
678
WIT AND HUMOR.
will not condemn him to Sing Sing for life, to enjoy the proud
satisfaction of expiating his sin. No! punish him as he de-
serves by restoring him to liberty and a future laden with op-
probium and embittered by remorse. Hang him, and it is but
a moment's pang. Set him free, and a guilty conscience will
follow him to his grave!"
The general won the case.
Anecdotes of Abernethy.
The great English surgeon, Jonn Abernethy, was far ahead
of his age in the humanities of his profession. He had no
sympathy with the cutting-and-slashing style of treatment,
though ready and able to perform any operation that was
absolutely necessary with exquisite skill. Many a maimed
"old soldier" now mourns a leg or arm that he might have
kept, if ariny surgeons had cared as much for the patient's
welfare as for trying experiments and keeping up their practice.
Abernethy used to say that "operations are a reflection on the
healing art; that the habitual operator is a savage in arms who
performs by violence what a civilized person would perforın by
stratagem.”
A poor Irishman, not long after Abernethy had succeeded
to the post of chief-surgeon in St. Bartholomew's Hospital,
was brought in, suffering from a diseased leg. Amputation
was advised, but Abernethy refused his consent, and finally
succeeded in curing the diseased limb. Going one day through
the hospital with his pupils, the Irishman, thrusting his leg
out of bed, shouted out,-
M
"That's the leg, your honor, that's it! Your honor's the
boy to do it; bad luck to the spalpeens who said your honor
would cut it off."
Abernethy, improving the occasion, lectured his pupils on
the folly of hastily crippling a person for life, while there was
chance of curing a diseased member. Paddy endorsed all the
GREAT MEN.
679
doctor said, repeatedly tossing his recovered leg into the air,
and exclaiming,-
"It's all there! That's the leg, gintlemin!"
Once, when preparations were made for a necessary opera-
tion, the chief assistant said, "I think everything is all right,
sir; the patient can be brought in.
""
Abernethy gave a quick glance. "No," said he, "every-
thing is not right. Go and get a napkin and cover up those
terrifying instruments. The man need not be horrified by the
sight of them."
The great surgeon was so benevolent that he would almost
always attend a poor patient sooner than a rich one.
He was
just stepping into his carriage to visit a sick duke, when a
pressing request came to see a sufferer who was without means
to tender a fee.
"I cannot go to him at present," said Abernethy.
"If you cannot go at once, it will be useless to go at all,”
said the messenger.
Abernethy stopped the carriage and inquired the poor man's
address. The street and number were given.
"Drive there immediately, coachman," said the doctor.
"The duke must wait. Besides, he can command the services
""
of twenty physicians.
A widow brought her child from the country to the hospital,
having carefully saved up her money till she had enough to
pay the proper fees. Abernethy cured the child, and at the
end of the time returned the fees, putting fifty pounds besides
into the woman's hands.
Another widow in the hospital had been awaiting an opera-
tion, and had carefully prepared for it; but just before the
time set, she suddenly determined to leave the hospital.
Abernethy was much annoyed at this, and expressed himself
in very angry terms.
66
'Her father is dying in the country," interposed an assist-
ant, "and wishes to see her."
47
680
WIT AND HUMOR.
#
""
"You fool! why didn't you tell me that before? said
Abernethy.
He at once gave the woinan money to enable her to travel
the easiest way, and bade her go to her father and return ag
soon as she could.
Governor Stephen's First and Only Love.
Since the death of Governor Stephens his life romance has
been learned. In one of the early years of the 40's, Mr.
Stephens, then a young man, paid a visit to the home of Mr.
Darden, in Warren County, Ga. There he met a flaxen-haired,
blue-eyed girl of sixteen, beautiful in face and lovely in char-
acter, piquant, witty, and gifted with a mind rarely cultivated.
An attachment grew up, which for years did not pass the
formal bounds of friendship, but which was sacredly cherished
by both. The boy-lover was poor in this world's goods;
fragile in frame and harassed by sickness, he did not dare to
aspire to the hand of one whom he had learned to love and yet
forbore to claim. With womanly devotion the young girl read
the secret in the young man's eyes, and true to her heart she
could only--wait and love.
One evening in 1849 a party was given at the residence of
Mr. Little, of Crawfordville. There the two met once more;
there they enjoyed that sweet communion born of perfect trust;
and there Mr. Stephens found courage to speak the words
which for years had fought for expression until at last he could
no longer contain them.
66 Are you sure that there lives none other whom you prefer
to me?" asked the maiden, timidly, half shrinkingly, yet only
too happy to feel that she was favored in his eyes.
"In the whole universe there exists not another," said he,
passionately.
Thus their troth was plighted; the day was set for their
marriage, and all seemed auspicious for the lovers. But clouds
GREAT MEN.
681
lowered o'er their hopes; matters of a private nature, which is
not within the domain of the public to know, intervened and
deterred the fruition of their hopes. The one became im-
incrsed in politics, and, racked with physical ills, he hesitated
to enter a state where he feared the happiness of the other
might be marred. The lady found her duty by the side of an
invalid mother, who long lingered with a confining disease.
Thus the years flew by, but the plighted troth was kept. Mr.
Stephens never addressed another, and ever kept the image of
the fair young girl in his heart. The lady was the recipient of
admiration from many, but to all she turned a deaf ear.
They have often inet since, and, while the idea of inarriage
was abandoned, they felt a sweet pleasure in each other's
society. But a short time ago the lady was at the mansion,
and, on taking leave of her old friend, one of the chairs
tripped up an unfavorable sign, as the Governor remarked at
the time. The lady has for years been a resident of Atlanta,
and no one is held in higher esteem for every quality which
adorns womanhood than Miss Caroline Wilkinson.
Daniel Drew and the Farmers.
About the time that Daniel Drew began his Wall street
career, he was up in the country one time to visit some friends,
and two farmers called upon him to decide a case. One had
sold the other five bushels of wheat, and proposed to measure
it in a half-bushel, and sweep the top with a stick. The other
objected, and Uncle Daniel was asked to decide.
"Well, legally speaking, a bushel is only a bushel," he
answered.
"And can the measure be swept off?"
"I think it can."
"With what?"
"Well, if I was selling wheat I should probably use the half
head of a flour barrel."
3
682
WIT AND HUMOR.
"Which edge of it."
"Gentlemen, that is a point I cannot now decide on," sighed
the old man. "If I was selling to a widow or a preacher I am
certain that I would sweep the measure with the straight edge,
but if I was selling to a man who pastures his cows in the road
and his pigs in his neighbor's corn, I am afraid I should use
the circular side and scoop a little to boot."
A Scotch Anecdote of Gladstone. `
Mr. Gladstone's fluency in argumentation, although a
natural gift, was purposely fostered by his father: indeed, all
the family were accustomed to argue about everything that
turned up at table or elsewhere. On one occasion William
Gladstone and his sister Mary disputed as to where a certain
picture was to be hung. An old Scotch servant came in with
a ladder and stood irresolute while the argument progressed;
but as Miss Mary would not yield, William gallantly ceased
from speech, though unconvinced of course. The servant
then hung up the picture where the young lady ordered; but
when he had done this he crossed the room and hammered
a nail into the opposite wall. He was asked why he did
this:
"6
Aweel, Miss, that'll do to hang the picture on when ye'll
have come roond to Master Willie's opeenion.
Anecdote of Gustave Dore.
""
Soon after the conclusion of the Franco-Prussian war, Gustave
Dore the distinguished French artist was compelled by business
to visit his native country, Alsace, and, of course, he was
obliged to have a passport. On reaching the frontier his pass-
port was found to lack some essential formality, and the Ger-
man officials refused to allow the artist to proceed upon his
journey.
GREAT MEN.
683
"In fact, how do we know that you are M. Gustave Dore at
all?" said the chief official, severely.
For sole answer Dore drew out his pencil, seated himself at
the table and sketched on the back of his rejected passport à
dismounted cannon, with a group of dead and dying soldiers
around it. The Prussian took up the sketch, looked at it and
quitted the room. In a few minutes he returned with another
passport, which he laid before the artist.
"This paper, M.
Dore," he said, "is perfectly en regle.
where you please without molestation. As to the other one,
you must permit me to keep it as my fee for making the
exchange. I shall ask no other."
You can travel with it
Alas, poor Dore! I never pen his name now without a pang.
I passed by the door of his deserted studio the other day. The
concierge stood at the open door, and a little dog was frisking
about in the sunshine. The old man recognized me and smiled
and bowed, so I paused an instant to speak with him.
"Is that one of M. Dore's dogs?" I asked. “Ah, no, no,
madame, that little fellow is mine. But the black poodle-the
one that always stayed in the studio-madame recollects him,
doubtless-he would not eat after his master's death, and he
pined away and died. But no wonder-M. Dore was such a
good master-so good a man."
Sheridan's Ready Wit.
In the midst of his distress, Sneridan had one day invited a
party of friends to dine with him, amongst whom were a few
noblemen of the opposition party; but upon examining his
cellar a terrible deficiency was found. He was largely in debt
to Chalier, the great wine-merchant, and for two years had
been unable to obtain from him any further credit. He put
his imagination to work and tried the following expedient:
He sent for Chalier on the day of the dinner in question, and
told him that luckily he was just in cash and wished to settle
684
WIT AND HUMOR.
his account. Chalier was much pleased, but told him he had
not the account with him, he would return home and bring it.
He was about to leave the room when, as if upon suddon
recollection, Sheridan said: "Oh, Chalier, by the by, you
must stay and dine with me to-day; I have a party to whom I
will introduce you-some leading members of both houses."
Chalier, who was fond of good company, and also hoped to
meet with a recommendation, was obliged to Sheridan for the
offer and promised to be with him at the hour appointed.
Upon his return, he informed the clerk of his cellars that he
was going to dine with Mr. Sheridan, and probably should not
be home until it was late. Sheridan had fixed the hour of 6
to Chalier, but desired him to come before that time, as he had
much to say in private. At about 5 o'clock Chalier came to
his appointment, and he was no sooner in the house than
Sheridan sent off a servant with a note to the clerk desiring
him, as Mr. Chalier was favoring him with his company, to
send as soon as possible three dozen of Burgundy, two dozen
of claret punch, and two dozen of port, with a dozen of old
hock. The clerk, knowing his master was at Sheridan's, and
thinking the order came with his concurrence, immediately
obeyed it. After dinner everybody praised the fine qualities
of Sheridan's wines, and all were desirous of knowing who was
his wine merchant, turning toward Chalier, said, "I am in-
debted to my friend here for all you have tasted, and am proud
to recommend him."
FUNNY LOVE STORIES.
SATIRICAL AND ABSURD ROMANCES.
A Short Courtship.
"Widder Jenkins," said an Ohio farmer as he bustled into
her house one morning, "I am a man of business. I am
worth $10,800, and want you for a wife. I give you three
minutes in which to answer."
"I don't want ten seconds, old man," she replied, as she
shook out the dish cloth. "I'm a woman of business, worth
$16,000, and I wouldn't marry you if you were the last man on
earth! I give you a minute and a half to git."
Bret Harte's Love Story.
"Now, Aunt Sallie, do please tell us why you never got
married! You remember you said once that when you were
a girl you were engaged to a minister, and promised you would
tell us about it some time. Now, aunt, please tell us."
66
Well, you see, when I was about seventeen years old, I
was living in Utica, in the State of New York. Though I
say it myself, I was quite a good-looking girl then, and had
several beaux. The one that took my fancy was a young min-
ister, a very promising young man, and remarkably pious and
steady. He thought a good deal of me, and I kind of took a
fancy to him, and things went on until we were engaged.
One evening he came to me, and put his arms around me, and
kind of hugged me, when I got excited and some flustrated.
It was a long time ago, and I don't know but what I might
;
685
686
WIT AND HUMOR.
ེ་
have hugged back a little. I was like any other girl, and
pretty soon I pretended to be mad about it, and pushed him
away, though I wasn't mad a bit. You must know the house
where I lived was on one of the back streets of the town. There
were glass doors in the parlor, which opened over the street.
These doors were drawn to. I stepped back a little from him,
and when he came up close I pushed him back again. I
pushed him harder than I intended to; and don't you think,
girls, the poor fellow lost his balance, and fell through one of
the doors into the street."
"Oh, Aunty! Was he killed?
"No; he fell head first; and as he was going I caught him
by the legs of his trousers. I held on for a minute and tried
to pull him back, but his suspenders gave way, and the poor
young man fell clear out of his pantaloons into a parcel of
ladies and gentlemen along the street.'
""
""
"Oh! Aunty! Aunty! Lordy!”
“There, that's right; squal and giggle as much as you want
to. Girls that can't hear a little thing like that without tearing
around the room and he he-ing in such a way, don't know
enough to come in when it rains. A nice time the man that
marries one of you will have, won't he?"
you anything again.
Catch me telling
""
"But, Aunt Sallie, what became of him? Did you ever see
him again?"
"No; but the moment he touched the ground he got up
and left that place in a terrible hurry. I tell you it was a
sight to be remembered. How that man did run! He went
out West, and I believe he is preaching out in Illinois. But
he never married. He was very modest, and I suppose he was
so badly frightened that time that he never dared trust him-
self near a woman again. That, girls, is the reason why I never
married. I felt very bad about it for a long time for he was
a real good man, and I often thought to myself that we should
have been very happy if his suspenders hadn't given away.'
B
Į
"1
FUNNY LOVE STORIES.
687
Susan B. Anthony said in a lecture: "Get married, young
men, and be quick about it. Don't wait for the millennium
for the girls to become angels. You'd look well beside an
angel, wouldn't you, you brutes??
* *
*
A stupid young man, supposed to be crack-brained, who was
slighted by the girls, very modestly asked a young lady, "if
she would let him spend the evening with her?"
"No," she angrily replied, "that's what I won't."
"Why," replied he, "you needn't be so funny; I didn't
mean this evening, but some stormy one when I can't go any-
where else."
A. Miner Griswold's Love Story.
"Dearest, darling, I love thee !" he said.
"Ditto, George," was her sweet reply.
*
*
*
*
Eight hours passed. The young man was hoeing corn.
"What does 'ditto' mean, father?" he asked. "I cannot
find it in the dictionary."
""
*
*
* *
*
The old farmer rested on his hoe, and, pointing to the cab-
bage in front of him, remarked:
66
'You see that cabbage?"
"Yes," responded the youth.
"And you see the next one there?”
"Yes."
"Well, that is called 'ditto.""
"Darn her!" exclaimed the impetuous youth, “she called
me a cabbage head."
They were talking about the weight of different individuals
in a certain family, and the daughter's young man, who was
present, spoke up before he thought, and said:
48
688
WIT AND HUMOR.
"I tell you that Jennie ain't so very light, either, although
she looks so."
And then he looked suddenly conscious, and blushed, and
Jennie became absorbed in studying a chromo on the wall.
**
*
"You see, some people has good luck, and some people has
bad luck. Now, I remember, once I was walking along the
street with Tom Jellecks, and he went down one side of it and
I went down on the other. We hadn't got more'n half way
down when he found a pocket book with two hundred and six-
teen dollars in it, and I stepped on a woman's dress and got
acquainted with my present wife. It was always so," he said,
with a sigh, "that Tom Jellecks was the luckiest man in the
world."
**
*
"Ah! George, isn't it delightful that we are to be married
so soon? To be sure, we are not rich in this world's goods, but
with such love as ours we can almost live on bread and water;
can't we, dear?"
16
Easily," said George, with great emotion. "You furnish
the bread, love, and I will skirmish around and find the
water."
How She Won a Husband.
H. T. White.
Night in St. Louis.
Seated in the parlor of her father's magnificent residence,
Lurline Loosehair allowed her taper fingers to wander idly
over the keys of the piano, and, obedient to her delicate touch,
there floated forth upon the air the strains of that beautiful
miserere, "Since Papa Tore His Pants." And as she sat
there, absorbed in the sad reflections to which the music gave
rise, the door opened softly, and Berwyck Hetherington en-
tered the room. Lurline, all the senses of her passionate
nature absorbed in the music, continued to play, not knowing
FUNNY LOVE STORIES.
689
that the man she loved, and to win whose pocketbook in
return she would have hustled around with dread earnestness,
was standing by her side. But at last Berwyck placed his
hand gently on her shoulder, and by that indefinable sense
that tells us of a human presence, although we see it not, she
knew that somebody was around. Turning quickly, she saw
Mr. Hetherington.
"I did not know you were here," she said, a blush flooding
the face that such a little time ago was pale and calm, “or I
should not have played so confidently."
39
"Can you not favor me with something more?" he asked.
The blush grows deeper and more vivid now, and the droop-
ing eyes are moist with tears. But in an instant she recovers
her self-possession, and looks at him in the frank, honest way
in which Cincinnati girls ask for more pie.
"I cannot play any other piece," she says, half sadly, half
defiantly.
"Are you sure of this, Lurline?" Berwyck asks, bending
over her in a loving way.
"Think well before you speak,"
he continues, "for on your answer may depend the future
happiness of two young lives."
"I am quite sure," she says.
"Then you must be my wife." And as he speaks these
words Berwyck Hetherington's face lights up with a rapturous
Schuyler Colfax smile. "Do you love me?" he asks.
For answer, she puts her arms around his neck, kisses him
coldly behind the left ear, and then a great silence falls upon
hem.
"You will come again to-
Presently Berwyck rises to go.
morrow evening?" she asks.
"Yes," he replies, "you may tie the dog at 8."
“And you will not regret your choice?"
"I have spent
"Never," he says, in clear, steady tones.
the best years of my life looking for a girl who could play only
one tune on the piano."
690
WIT AND HUMOR.
Why He Discarded Her.
"Why, Bill, what's the matter with you? You look down
in the mouth."
"Well, Peter, I dare say if you had gone through what I
have, you'd look bad too."
"What's the matter? ""
"Well, you know Sarah Snivels, don't you, Peter?"
"Yes."
"I discarded her last night.'
"You did; what for?"
"Well, I'll tell you. She said she wouldn't marry me, and
I'd discard any girl that would treat me in that way."
""
"I can marry any girl I please," remarked a young man
proudly.
.
+
X X
*
"Yes," said Mollie Brown," you can marry any girl you
please, but in this whole village you don't please a single girl.
-Eli Perkins.
Ji
.N
"Dear Jimmy, it's all up. We ain't going to get married.
Ma says you're too rough, and I guess she's right. I'm sorry
--but can't you go to Europe and get filed down?”
A Nevada Girl's Love Letter.
"How she must have loved him."
As Myrtle Redingote spoke these words softly to George
W. Simpson, a blush of maiden modesty flamed for an instant
across her pure young face and disappered silently behind the
tiny pink ears thatstood like pigmy sentinels on a battlement oí
rose-tinted flesh, soft and warm, and with beautiful curves
White's Love Story.
A
FUNNY LOVE STORIES.
691
whose dimpled outlines would have made even an anchorite
resign. George had been telling her that beautiful story of
the Princess of olden times who, when her lover was stricken
down by a poisoned arrow, knelt by his side, and, with her
own ruby lips drew from the wound the fatal element. When
he had finished, the girl gave utterance to the words with
which this chapter opens. And then, for an instant, silence
fell between them.
George was the first to speak. "If I were wounded by a
poisoned arrow, darling, would you emulate the example of
the Princess? "
The girl's form shook with a sudden tremor and her head
fell upon his shirt front.
"I could not do it," she sobbed through her tears.
"Why not?" asked George.
"Do not press me for an answer," replied the girl.
"But I must know," he says in low, agonized tones.
"Then," she murmurs, pressing him still more closely to
her, "you are from Kentucky, and I do not care to catch the
delirium tremens."
""
**
*
A bashful young man was escorting a bashful young lady,
when she said, entreatingly :
"Jabez, don't tell anybody you beaued me home."
“Don't be afraid," replied he, "I am as much ashamed of
it as you are."
**
*
When Adolphus placed his arm around the neck of Angelina
he said it was for a neck's press purpose.
* *
*
"It's a solemn thing to be married," said Aunt Bethany.
"Yes; but it's a deal more solemn not to be," said the little
girl, her niece.
692
WIT AND HUMOR.
Artemus Ward's Romance.
The morning on which Reginald Gloverson was to leave
Great Salt Lake City with a mule train, dawned beautifully.
Reginald Gloverson was a young and thrifty Mormon, with
an interesting family of twenty young and handsome wives.
His unions had never been blessed with children. As often as
once a year he used to go to Omaha, in Nebraska, with a mule-
train for goods; but although he had performed the rather
perilous journey many times with entire safety, his heart was
strangely sad on this particular morning, and filled with gloomy
forebodings.
The time for his departure had arrived. The high-spirited
mules were at the door, impatiently champing their bits. The
Mormon stood sadly among his weeping wives.
"Dearest ones," he said, "I am singularly sad at heart this
morning; but do not let this depress you. The journey is a
perilous one, but-pshaw ! I have always come back safely
heretofore, and why should I fear? Besides, I know that
every night, as I lay down on the broad starlit prairie, your
bright faces will come to me in my dreams, and make my
slumbers sweet and gentle. You Emily, with your mild blue
eyes; and you, Henrietta, with your splendid black hair; and
you, Nelly, with your hair so brightly, beautifully golden;
and you, Mellie, with your cheeks so downy; and you, Betsy,
with your wine red lips, far more delicious, though, than any
wine I ever tasted; and you, Maria, with your winsome
voice; and you, Susan, with your-with your-that is to say,
Susan, with your--and the other thirteen of you, each so good
and beautiful, will come to me in sweet dreams, will you not,
dearestists?"
"Our own," they lovingly chimed, "we will."
"And so farewell!" cried Reginald.
"Come to my arms,
my own!" he said, "that is, as many of you as can do it con-
veniently at once, for I must away."
FUNNY LOVE STORIES.
693
He folded several of them to his throbbing breast, and drove
sadly away.
But he had not gone far when the trace of the off-hind mule
became unhitched. Dismounting, he essayed to adjust the
trace; but ere he had fairly commenced the task, the mule, a
singularly refractory animal, snorted wildly, and kicked Re-
ginald frightfully in the stomach. He arose with difficulty, and
tottered feebly toward his mother's house, which was near by,
falling dead in her yard, with the remark:
"Dear mother, I've come home to die!"
"So I see," she said; "where's the mules?'
Alas! Reginald Gloverson could give no answer. In vain
the heart-stricken mother threw herself upon his inanimate
form, crying:
"Oh, my son-my son! only tell me where the mules are,
and then you may die if you want to.”
In vain—in vain! Reginald had passed on.
The mules were never found.
The wives felt very badly indeed.
"He was devoted to me," sobbed Emily.
Reginald's heart-broken mother took the body home to her
unfortunate son's widows. But before her arrival she indis-
creetly sent a boy to bust the news gently to the afflicted wives,
which he did by informing them, in a hoarse whisper, that
their "old man had gone in."
ور
""
"And to me," said Maria.
"Yes," said Emily, "he thought considerably of you, but
not so much as he did of me.'
"I say he did!"
"And I say he didn't!"
"He did!"
"He didn't!
“Don't look at me, with your squint eyes
"Don't shake your red head at me!'
"Sisters!" said the black-haired Henrietta,
!
"9
66 cease this un-
694
WIT AND HUMOR.
}
seemly wrangling. I, as his first wife, shall strew flowers on
his grave."
""
"No you won't," said Susan, "I, as his last wife, shall strew
flowers on his
grave. It's business to strew!
my
"You shan't, so there!" said Henrietta.
"You bet I will!" said Susan, with a tear-suffused face.
"Well, as for me," said the practical Betsy, "I ain't on the
strew much, but I shall ride at the head of the funeral pro-
cession !"
"Not if I've been introduced to myself, you won't," said the
golden-haired Nelly; "that's my position.
You bet your
bonnet-strings it is."
"Children," said Reginald's mother, "you must do some
crying, you know, on the day of the funeral; and how many
pocket-handkerchers will it take to go round? Betsy, you
and Nelly ought to make one do between you."
"I'll tear her eyes out if she perpetuates a sob on my hand-
kercher!" said Nelly.
"Dear daughters-in-law," said Reginald's mother, "how
unseemly is this anger. Mules is five hundred dollars a span,
and every identical mule my poor boy had has been gobbled
up by the red man. I knew when my Reginald staggered
into the door-yard that he was on the die, but if I'd only thunk
to ask him about them mules ere his gentle spirit took flight,
it would have been four thousand dollars in our pockets and
no mistake! Excuse those real tears, but you've never felt a
parent's feelins.”
"It's an oversight," sobbed Maria. "Don't blame us !"
The funeral passed off in a very pleasant manner, nothing
occurring to mar the harmony of the occasion. By a happy
thought of Reginald's mother, the wives walked to the grave
twenty abreast, which rendered that part of the ceremony
thoroughly impartial.
That night the twenty wives with heavy hearts sought their
twenty respective couches. But no Reginald occupied those
FUNNY LOVE STORIES.
695
twenty respective couches-Reginald would never more linger
all night in blissful repose in those twenty respective couches
-Reginald's head would nevermore press the twenty respect-
ive pillows of those twenty respective couches-never, never-
more!
**
*
"No."
"Is he your brother?"
"No."
A lively pupil at a seminary asked the preceptress for per-
mission to drive out with a gentleman.
"You know the regulations of the institution," was the
answer. "Is he your father?"
"Are you engaged to him?
"No; but I expect to be before I get back."
That answer carried the day.
""
Eli Perkins' Love Story.
CHAPTER I
She said she was willing to live in a garret with the man she
loved-if it had a nice elevator-and she could have her meals
sent in from Delmonico's.
Her eyes shone with a beautiful, joyous light when I leaned
forward and said, "Julia, I have something confidential to tell
you."
"What is it, Eli?" she asked in a low silvery voice-a
kind of German silvery voice."
“O Julia―Julia! I said-I think, I think-that I might
love you. Now do you love me, Julia-do you?"
"Yes, Eli-I do love you-you know I do!" Then she
flung her alabaster arms around my neck.
"I am very g-l-a-d, Julia," I said, "for I l-i-k-e to be
l-o-v-e-d!"
"Well, Eli? Eli?-Dear Eli?"
696
WIT AND HUMOR-
But I never said another word. Honest fellows-never say
more than that now-a-days.
That ought to satisfy any young lady.
CHAPTER II.
Last night I called on Julia again.
"Do you know, Mr. Perkins "—she said, looking me straight
in the face, "that this is leap year and that today is our leap
year proposing day?" Then she took my velvety hand in
hers and looked sweetly at me her eyes eloquent with girlish
affection.
"Well, I suppose so"--I said, modestly looking down at her
mosaic bracelet.
"Well-you know, Eli-dear Eli, that I have been out
with you a good deal lately?"
"Yes"—I said, as I felt the crimson come to my cheeks.
"And while I have been too happy-going with you all
winter, Eli-I feel-I f-e-e-l-O my dear Eli, I don't know how
to say what I want to!"—and then the beautiful child hid
her face in my bosom.
"Do not fear my answer-beautiful one "I said- -I also
said, "I hope Julia your i-n-t-e-n-t-i-o-n-s are h-o-n-o-r-a-b-l-e-
for I am a poor motherless orphan-without any parents-and
my guardian is far-f-a-r away
Then I asked her to tell me what troubled her.
"O Eli, it is love!" she said, and then she twisted her
jeweled fingers in my auburn hair.
For whom is this love, darling? Do not fear," I said,
nestling my alabaster brow against her ear.
“Well, Eli—my long cherished friend, I l-o-v-e
Who, Julia-who do you love?"
"Well, Eli, I love--I love Eugene Brown, to whom I am
engaged ❞— and then her hot scalding tears fell thick and fast
on my shirt bosom.
""
FUNNY LOVE STORIES.
697
"Well, Julia- what have you got to say to me?" I said,
and then I unloosed her hands from my neck.
"Why my dear Eli, Eugene and father thought I'd better
see you and propose-"
“O darling I am thine !—take O take your Eli-never mind
father-take me-"
y
"But no, Eli-they wanted me to see you and propose-
p-r-o-p-o-s-e that you don't come here any more."
Base flirt-I left her-O I left her!!
66
CHAPTER III.
When I left Julia she went right off and became engaged to
Eugene Brown. Eugene Brown is a great flirt. His highest
ambition is to marry a rich girl and board with her mother.
The next day after his engagement with Julia, I met Eugene.
He looked the picture of despair-eyes hollow and his lithe
frame bent with sorrow.
66
"O Eugene! what makes you look so? what-O what has
happened?" I asked.
"O-o-o-o! dear Eli!"
"But what is it-tell me!"
"Well, Eli-you know I have been intimate with Julia
lately?"
"Yes-Oh-I see it so you have proposed-and been
rejected?
66
No-by Jove-I've been a-c-c-e-p-t-e-d ! ”
"Have you exhausted all the dodges, Eugene?" I asked.
Yes, Eli, every single dodge. When I found Julia had
five sisters and four brothers-and found that her dear father
didn't have any government bonds, I told her how poor I was.
Alas! I told her I loved her too much to take her from her
nice home."
"Have you tried the awful wicked' dodge, Eugene?"
"No, I had forgotten it-but that may save me!"-and
then he rushed right off to Julia.-He fairly spun, that Brown's
boy did.
698
WIT AND HUMOR.
"
CHAPTER IV.
"You look very sad this evening, Eugene?" said Julia, as
Eugene took her by the hand.
"Yes, Julia, I feel sad. I do indeed feel sad-" Then he
looked s-o-r-r-o-w-f-u-l-l-y at the $700 solitaire-which he had
placed on Julia's finger the night before.
"But what is it that brings this deep anguish to your soul,
Eugene-O, tell me!"
"Well, you are a good woman.
"Yes!"
-
Badagang
"You are a pure, innocent woman.
"Yes, Eugene-but that don't make you feel sad, does it?"
"Yes, Julia, for you do not know how wicked I am- how
dissolute and profligate your d-a-r-l-i-n-g is and when I
think of linking your pure life to mine it makes me shud-
der."— and then this Brown's boy shuddered.
66
But, Eugene, you can reform — O, you can become good!
she said, wildly ketching hold of herself.
"No, alas! dear one, I cannot - O, I know I cannot! and
now dear one, I will show my great love for you by making
a great sacrifice-by taking my diamond ring back, and by
leaving you with your dear parents
dear parents — where you will not see
your wicked Eugene."
X
*
29
K
""
"But, dearest Eugene, I am willing to go - willing to share
your wicked lot."
"Never, dearest! I alone will make the sacrifice you
shall still be happy with your loving parents.
59
Then that Brown's boy generously received back his $700
solitaire. He succeeded- alas, he succeeded in his "awful
wicked" dodge.
*
*
*
-
C
""
That very evening, Eugene called on Miss Thompson, the
heiress. There is only one Miss Thompson, and her parents
are very wealthy. Eugene did not know this- O, no! but I
FUNNY LOVE STORIES.
699
1
p
saw him there, telling in a silvery voice a kind of German
the same old siren tale of love and hope.
silvery voice
In a moment I saw him whisper in her car and slip that
self-same solitaire that $700 token of affection upon her fin-
Cư
startama alat
ger.
Then he smilt a sickly smile of triumph.
O, noble Eugene!
* *
*
Alas! Eugene has since become a cannibal. The heathen
cannibals, they say, live off of other people -- and Eugene lives
off his kind old father-in-law.
The city editor of the Jacksonville Journal says the only
fault he has to find with his girl is, that she insists on using
"black navy" instead of fine cut tobacco.
A Very Warm Love Story.
“You kissed me,” my head dropped low on your breast
With a feeling of shelter and infinite rest.
And the holy emotion my tongue could not speak
Flushed up like a flame from my heart to my cheek.
Your arms held me fast-Oh! your arms were so bold.
Heart beat against heart in their passionate fold.
And your glances seemed drawing my soul to my eyes,
As the sun draws the mist from the sea to the skies.
And your lips pressed to mine till I prayed in my bliss
They might never unclasp from that rapturous kiss.
"You kissed me," my heart and my breath and my will
In delirious joy for a moment stood still;
Life had for me then no temptation, no charms,
No vista of pleasure outside of your arms.
And were I this moment an angel possessed
Of the glory and peace that belongs to the blest,
I would cast my white robes unrepiningly down,
And tear from my forehead its beautiful crown,
To nestle once more in that haven of rest
With your lips pressed to mine and my head on your breast.
"You kissed me," my soul in a bliss so divine,
Reeled and swooned like the foolish man drunken with wine.
;
700
WIT AND HUMOR.
¡
And I thought 'twere delicious to die then, if death
Would come while my lips were yet moist with your breath.
"Twere delicious to die if my heart could grow cold
While your arms wrapped me round in their passionate fold.
And these are the questions I ask day and night,
Must my life know but once such ecstatic delight?
Would you care if your breast were my pillow as then?
And if you were here would you kiss me again?
* *
*
A good way to find a girl out is to call when she isn't in.
* *
*
An Irish coachman, driving past some harvest fields, dur-
ing summer, addressing a smart girl engaged in sheaving,
exclaimed:
“Arrah, me darling, I wish I was in jail for stealing ye 833
Ella Wheeler's Love Story.
How can I wait until you come to me?
The once fleet mornings linger by the way:
Their sunny smiles touched with malicious glee
At my unrest, they seem to pause, and play
Like truant children, while I sigh, and say:
How can I wait?
How can I wait? Of old, the rapid hours
Refused to pause or loiter with me long;
But now they idly fill their hands with flowers,
And make no haste, but slowly stroll among
The summer-blooms, not heeding my one song:
How can I wait?
How can I wait? The nights alone are kind:
They reach forth to a future day, and bring
Sweet dreams of you to people all my mind,
And time speeds by on light and airy wing—
I feast upon your face-I no more sing:
How can I wait?
How can I wait? The morning breaks the spell
A pitying night has flung upon my soul :
You are not near me, and I know full well
My heart has need of patience and control.
Before we meet, hours, days, and weeks must roll:
How can I wait?
FUNNY LOVE STORIES.
701
How can I wait? O love! how can I wait?
Until the sunlight of your eyes shall shine
Upon my world that seems so desolate?
Until you come again, O love of mine!
Until your hand-clasp stirs my blood like wine,
How can I wait?
A Saratoga Love Story.
Eli Perkins.
As the great crowd thickens here, I find the aristocratic
mothers at the States have harder work to watch their flirting
daughters. The balconies down at the Union are darker than
they are at the States, and our girls will run down there to
flirt. It is a very democratic flirting crowd down there, and a
young lady can sit there under an umbrella with a young fel-
low, and no one notices it. Yesterday when I went down
there, though the day was clear, and neither sun nor rain
could harm a lady's hat, there were 482 raised umbrellas on
one balcony. Not a head was to be seen. Not a voice was
heard. I went along by the umbrellas and said :
“Aha! ahem! hump!" and then I cleared my throat.
Immediately I heard seventeen young fellows say carelessly,
as if they had been talking on that subject all day:
"Yes, Miss Mollie, I think it will rain to-morrow."
Twenty-eight young ladies looked at the sky and said:
"We have had an awfully hot summer, haven't we, Mr.
Smith?"
Twenty-eight young ladies hummed airs from "Patience,"
and seven fellows whistled "Old John Brown's Body."
As soon as I passed down the balcony it was all still again.
Not a sound was heard. Not a hum. Not a whistle.
I went back to the States and told our aristocratic mothers
how I found things down at the Grand Union. At first they
said:
"It can't be our Susie. She's up stairs with little Johnny,"
or "It isn't our Mary—she went to bed early;" but I noticed
702
WIT AND HUMOR.
seventy-two of our mothers started straight for the Union. As
soon as they got there the 482 umbrellas began to waver in
the wind. In eight minutes every umbrella was closed, and
in seventeen minutes 222 young ladies, with blushing faces,
tangled crimps and downcast eyes, filed through our middle
hall to the elevator.
**
*
"Are you sure that you are twenty-one years old?' asked
a clergyman of a young Irishman who brought his sweetheart
to be married.
"Faith and I am that same,' said Jemmy.
"And Bridget,' said the clergyman, 'is she twenty-one
too?"
"Jemmy straightened up, and, looking somewhat indig
nant, replied:
"Sure an' I can swear she's double it!'”
66
Nasby's Love Story.
He had never told his love; their acquaintance had been
brief, and when suddenly he placed his arms around her neck
and imprinted a kiss upon her rosebud mouth, she was
naturally startled.
"Sir," she said, "this is unsufferable!
Forgive me," he cried, "I was mad to act so. I beseech
you pardon me."
ور
"No, I can never forgive you. You have forfeited my
friendship. You must leave me at once and forever!”
Vainly he pleaded. She was obdurate. So glaring an
offense could not be condoned. Breathing low he said he
would go. His whole life would be embittered, for he felt that
her image could ne'er be effaced from his memory.
"I will go," he sadly murmured. "But before I leave you
I have one boon to ask. I feel that I am not unreasonable
FUNNY LOVE STORIES.
703
nor too utter in desiring this one favor. I trust you will grant
It is my final request."
it to me.
"What is it?" she timidly interrogated-softly touched by
his emotion.
"Won't you please take your arm from around my neck?"
James Russell Lowell's Love Story.
God makes sech nights, all white an' still, fur'z you can look or listen,
Moonshine an' snow on field an' hill, all silence an' all glisten.
Zekel crep' up, quite unbeknown, an' peeked in thru the winder,
An' there sot Huldy, all alone, with no one nigh to hinder.
The wa'nut logs shot sparkles out toward the pootiest, bless her!
An' leetle flames danced all about the chiny on the dresser.
The very room, coz she was in, seemed warm from floor to ceilin',
An' she looked full ez rosy agin, ez the apples she was peelin'.
"Twas kin' o' "kingdom come" to look on such a blessed cretur,
A dog-rose blushin' to a brook ain't modester nor sweeter.
He was six foot o' man, A 1, clean grit an' human natur,
None couldn't quicker pitch a ton, nor dror a furrer straighter.
He'd sparked it with full twenty gals, he'd squired 'em, danced 'em,
druv 'em,
Fust this one, and then thet, by spells,—all is, he couldn't love 'em.
But long o' her, his veins 'ould run all crinkly, like curled maple,
The side she breshed felt full o' sun, ez a south slope in Ap'il.
She thought no v'ice hed sech a swing as hisn in the choir;
My! when he made "Ole Hundred" ring, she knowed the Lord was
nigher.
An' she'd blush scarlit, right in prayer, when her new meetin' bunnet
Felt, somehow, thru its crown, a pair 'o blue eyes sot upon it.
Thet night, I tell ye, she looked some! she seemed to've gut a new soul,
For she felt sartin-sure he'd come, down to her very shoe-sole.
She heerd a foot, an' knowed it, tu, a-raspin' on the scraper,-
All ways to once her feelins flew, like sparks in burnt-up paper.
He kin' o' loitered on the mat, some doubtfle o' the sekle,
His heart kep' goin' pity-pat, but hern went "pity-Zekle."
An' yit, she gin her cheer a jerk, ez though she wished him furder,
An' on her apples kep' to work, parin' away like murder.
"You want to see my Pa, I s'pose?" "Wall-no-I come designin'"
"To see my Ma? She's sprinklin' clo'es, agin to-morrer's i'nin."
-To say why gals acts so or so, or don't, would be presumin';
Mebby to mean yes, an' say no, comes nateral to woman.
K
704
WIT AND HUMOR.
He stood a spell on one foot fust, then stood a spell on t' other
An' on which one he felt the wust, he couldn't ha' told ye, nuther.
Says he, "I'd better call agin." Says she, "Think likely, mister."
Thet last word pricked him like a pin, an'-wal, he up an' kissed her.
When Ma, bimeby, upon 'em slips, Huldy sot, pale as ashes,
All kin' o'smily roun' the lips, an' teary roun' the lashes.
For she was jost the quiet kind, whose naturs never vary,
Like streams thet keep a summer mind, snow-hid in Jenooary.
The blood clost roun' her heart felt glued too tight for all expressin',
Till Mother see how matters stood, an' gin 'em both her blessin'.
Then her red come back, like the tide down to the Bay o' Fundy,
—An' all I know is, they was cried in meetin', come nex' Sunday.
Alex Sweet's Love Story.
He sat on one side the room in a big white oak rocking-
chair. A long-eared deer-hound snapping at flies was by his
side; a basket of sewing by hers. Both rock incessantly-
that is, the young people-not the dog and basket. He sighs
heavily and looks out of the west window at a crape myrtle
tree; she sighs lightly and gazes out of the east window-at a
turnip patch. At last he remarks:
66
This is mighty good weather to pick cotton.”
"Tis that-if we only had any to pick."
The rocking continues.
"What's your dog's name?"
"Coony."
Another sigh-broken stillness.
"What is he good fur?"
"What is who good fur?" said he abstractedly.
"Your dog, Coony."
“Fur ketchin' possums.
Silence of half an hour.
now.
""
"He looks like a deer dog."
93
"Who looks like a deer dog."
"Coony."
66
"He is but he's kinder bellowsed, an gittin' old an' slow
An' he ain' no count' on a cold trail."
FUNNY LOVE STORIES.
705
In the quiet ten minutes that ensued she took two stitches in
her quilt; it was a gorgeous affair, that quilt was, made by the
pattern called "Rose of Sharon." She is very particular about
the nomenclature of her quilts, and frequently walks fifteen
miles to get a new pattern with a "real putty name."
"Your ma raisin' many chickings?"
"Forty-odd."
Then more rocking, and, somehow, after awhile the big
rocking chair and the little rocking chair were jammed side by
side. I don't know how it happened. It might have been
caused by some peculiarity in the floor, or by the natural
magnet attraction one chair had for the other; but, strange to
say,
the basket of work had followed the little chair! and the
little chair had traveled as fast as the big one! Coony had not
moved; he lay in the same place sound asleep, and he was
talking in his sleep-that is, giving faint, irregular barks at
the possums he beheld in his dreams. After a while the
conversation was resumed.
""
"How many has your ma got?”
""
"How many what?
"Chickings.
"Nigh on to a hundred.”
By this time the chairs are so close together that rocking is
impossible.
"The minks has eat most all ours."
Then a long silence reigns. At last he observes:
""
"Makin' quilts.
"Yes," she replies, brightening up, "I've just finished a
'Roarin' Eagul of Brazeel,' a 'Sitting Sun,' and a 'Nation's
Pride.' Have you ever saw the 'Yellow Rose on the Parary?"
"No."
More silence, then he says:
“Do you like cabbage? ”
"I do that."
Presently his hand is accidently placed on hers. She does
706
WIT AND HUMOR.
not know it; at least, does not seem to be aware of it. Then,
after a half hour spent in sight, coughing and clearing of
throats, he suddenly says:
""
"I'se a great a-mind to bite you.'
""
"What you great a-mind to bite me fur?'
"Kase you won't have me."
"Kase you ain't axed me."
"Well, now, I ax you.
""
"Then, now, I has you."
Then Coony dreams he hears a sound of kissing.
Then the next day the young man goes to Tigerville after a
marriage license. Wednesday the following week. No cards.
White, on The Hard-hearted Father.
"But, papa-
"Not another word," said the person thus addressed, a tall,
handsome man, in whose deep-brown hair a tinge of gray was
just beginning to show. "You know, my child," he con-
tinued, "that nothing could give me more pain than refusing
any wish of yours, and that I am never so happy and free from
care as when some act of mine has made your life brighter.
But this request I cannot grant. A sealskin sacque with fur
trimmings! By my halidom, you jest bravely-" and, turn-
ing hastily away, Dunstan Perkins stepped to the sideboard
and took a drink.
/
For an instant Lillian stood in the conservatory, looking
steadily down at the heavy velvet carpet in which her shapely
feet sunk deeply, but presently the spirit of desolate loneli-
ness seemed to leave her, and, going quietly into an adjoining
room, she began eating pie.
In a few moments her father came into the apartment.
"Perhaps I was rather harsh with you, Lillian," he began.
"Don't speak of it again,
know that you really have
But the girl interrupted him.
dear papa," she said, "because I
FUNNY LOVE STORIES.
707
+3
no money to spare. While I was mending your overcoat last
evening, I saw that note from 'Daisy,' and I would not-""
"You saw the note?" asks Mr. Perkins in hoarse, agonized
tones.
"Yes, papa; but you know I never —”
"How much will a sealskin sacque cost?"
"Three hundred dollars," and as the girl spoke these words
a baleful light shot from her eyes.
"You can have the money tomorrow," he said, and went
slowly out of the room.
"I thought my darling papa would weaken," said the girl,
and lifting the fork slowly to her lips, the last of the pie was
gone.
PUNS AND CONUNDRUMS.
A New Theory of Conundrums.
Melville D. Landon, A.M.
The pun and conundrum are instances of deformed logic.
The pun and conundrums are simply the ambiguous middle
termed the syllogism, and every pun and conundrum ever
made in the English language can be reduced to the fallacious
syllogism of the Greeks. To illustrate, I will make a conun-
drum and then reduce it to syllogisms:
66
'Why is Fred. Douglass a very wicked man? Because he
is supported by black legs."
Now put the conundrum into a syllogism, and it will read
thus:
First premise-Any man supported by black legs must be
very wicked.
Second Premise-Fred. Douglass is supported entirely by
black legs.
Conclusion-Therefore, Frederick Douglass must be very
wicked.
Now we will change another conundrum to the syllogism :
Why is a mouse like hay? Ans. Because the cat'll eat it.
Put it into a syllogism, and it will read thus :
First Premise-Any thing the cattle eat is like hay.
Second Premise--The cat'll eat a mouse.
Conclusion-Therefore a mouse is like hay.
Now I will change the syllogism back to the conundrum.
I will make this syllogism:
First Premise-Any thing whose sun never sets is immortal.
Second Premise-A hen's son never sets.
Conclusion-Therefore a hen is immortal.
PUNS AND CONUNDRUMS.
709
Change the syllogism into the conundrum, and it would
read:
Why is a hen immortal?
Ans. Because her son never sets.
mouth.
One of the favorite conundrums or syllogisms of Aristippus,
the Greek wit, was this:
First premise-Words always come out of your mouth.
Second premise-Snakes and toads are words.
Conclusion-Therefore, snakes and toads come out of you!
Mi a baby g
Changed into the conundrum, Aristippus' syllogism would be
When do snakes and toads come out of your mouth?
Ans.
Whenever you mention them.
So with every conundrum and syllogism.
250 Puns and Conundrums.
250 of the best puns and conundrums in the English lan-
guage are appended for the amusement and instruction of the
reader :
Why is a lawyer like a restless sleeper?
He lies first on one side and then on the other.
"Why are your cheeks like a span of horses, Mollie?"
"Because there is one each side of a wagin' tongue."
Why is a stick of candy like a race horse?
Because the more you lick it, the faster it goes.
""
When is a lawyer like a donkey.
When he is drawing a conveyance.
When is he unlike a donkey?
Don't know.
What is the difference between a cat and a comma?
A cat has claws at the end of its paws, a comma is a pause
at the end of a clause.
710
WIT AND HUMOR.
Why do white sheep eat more than black ones?
There are more of them.
For what was Eve created?
For Adams Express Company.
Why is a rooster on a fence like a nickel?
Head on one side, tail on the other.
What rose is born to blush unseen?
Negroes.
Why is the bridegroom more expensive than the bride?
The bride is always given away, but the bridegroom is
often sold.
When are stockings like dead men?
When they are men-ded; when their soles are depárted ;
when they are in holes; when they are past heeling; when
they are no longer on their last legs.
What shape is a kiss?
Elliptical. (A-lip-tickle.)
How can a man make his coat last?
By making his vest and pants first.
What most resembles half a cheese?
The other half.
Why is a pig a good mathematician ?
He is good on a square root
When is a man not a man?
When he is a-bed.
1
What goes most against a farmer's grain?
His reaper.
!
If your sister fell into a well why could not her brother
rescue her?
He couldn't be a brother and as-sist-her too.
PUNS AND CONUNDRUMS.
711
What animal would be likely to devour a near relation?
The ant-eater.
Why are some women like facts?
They are stubborn things.
How can it be proved that a horse has six legs.
He has fore legs in front and two behind.
When does a dog become larger and when smaller?
When he is let out at night and taken in in the morning.
Why is a lie not a lie?
A lie is a hyperbole, that is, a figure, and figures cannot lie.
Why is a chicken like a farmer?
They both delight in a full crop.
Why is an ill-fed dog like a philosopher?
He is a thin cur (thinker).
When is a chimney like a chicken?
When it is a little foul (fowl).
Why may carpenters believe there is no such thing as stone?
They never saw it.
Why is a gun like a jury?
It
goes off when discharged.
What is the difference between an auction and sea sickness?
One is a sale of effects, and the other the effects of a sail.
When does a bather capture a large bird?
When he takes a duck in the water.
What animal has death no effect upon?
A pig; when killed he can be cured.
When are you not yourself?
When you are a little pale (pail).
When is a nosegay a fish?.
When it is smelt,
4.9€
712
;
WIT AND HUMOR.
When are volunteers not volunteers?
When they are mustered.
What is the difference between a husbandman and a seam-
stress?
The one gathers what he sows, the other sews what she
gathers.
Why is a man who gets knocked down at an election, like
the world we inhabit?
He is flattened at the polls.
When is a bonnet not a bonnet?
When it becomes a lady.
What is the difference between ladies and ducks?
If there is a difference it is that ladies are often dressed to
kill while ducks are killed to dress.
Why is a bad singer like a poor clock?
He does not keep good time.
Why should free seats at church be abolished?
Because they make people good for nothing.
Why are teeth like verbs?
They are regular, irregular and defective.
What is the difference between a young woman and an old one?
One is careless and happy, the other is hairless and cappy.
Why is a crow a brave bird?
He never shows a white feather.
Why is a lovely young lady like a hinge?
She is something to adore.
When does the rain become too familiar with a lady?
When it begins to pat-ter on her back.
Why is a baker like a beggar?
He kneads bread.
PUNS AND CONUNDRUMS.
718
Why is dough like the sun?
When it rises it is light.
When is a boat like a heap of snow?
When it is a-drift.
Why is a temperance hotel like the future home of the blessed?
No bad spirits are permitted to enter it.
What is the difference between a sailor and a beer-drinker?
One puts his sail up, and the other puts his ale down.
What is the difference between the North and South Pole?
All the difference in the world.
What's the difference between stabbing a man and killing a
hog?
One is assaulting with intent to kill, and the other killing
with intent to salt.
What is the difference between an engine driver and a
school-master?
One minds the train and the other trains the mind.
In what key would a lover write a proposal of marriage?
Be mine ah!
"Clara,” asked Tom, "what animal dropped from the
clouds?"
"The rain, dear," was the reply.
Why did Joseph's brethren put him in the pit?
1. Because they thought it was a good opening for the young
man.
2. Because there was no room for him in the family circle.
Why do women seek husbands named William?
So they can have a Will of their own.
Why are little puppy dogs like some churches?
Because they depend upon dog-mas for their existence.
714
WIT AND HUMOR.
Why should soldiers be rather tired on the first of April?
Because they have just had a March of thirty-one days.
"Why," asked Pat, one day, "why was Balaam a first-class
astronomer?"
The other man gave it up, of course.
66 Shure," said Pat, "'twas because he had no trouble in
finding the ass-to-roid."
Why should young ladies never wear stays?
Because it is so horrid to see a girl "tight."
Why are young ladies at the breaking up of a party like
arrows?
Because they can't go off without a beau, and are all in a
quiver till they get one.
Why should no man starve on the deserts of Arabia ?
Because of the sand which is there.
Why does a donkey like thistles better than corn?
Because he is an ass.
Why is a room full of married ladies like an empty room?
Because there is not a single one in it.
Why are alum mines like cotton mills?
Because they have a-loom-in-em.
Why is a kiss like scandal?
Because it goes from mouth to mouth.
Why is a minister near the end of his sermon like a ragged
urchin?
Because he's toward his close.
Why is a whisper forbidden in polite society?
Because it isn't aloud.
Why is a tin can tied to a dog's tail like death ?
Because it's something bound to a cur.
1'
↑
PUNS AND CONUNDRUMS.
715
Why was the whale that swallowed Jonah like a milk-man
who has retired on an independence?
Because he took a great profit out of the water.
Why is a proud woman like a music book?
She is full of airs.
Why are persons who are fatigued like a wheel?
They are tired.
What is the difference between photography and the whoop
ng cough?
One makes fac-similes, and the other sick families.
What is that which can be found where it is not?
Fault.
Why is a woman deformed when mending her stockings?
Because her hands are where her feet ought to be.
When is coffee like the soil?
When it is ground.
Why are good resolutions like fainting ladies?
They should be carried out.
What animal has the most brains?
The hog, because he has a hog's head full of them.
Which has most legs, a horse or no horse?
A horse has four legs, no horse has five.
What tree bears the most fruit to market?
The axle tree.
When does a sculptor explode in strong convulsions?
When he makes faces and busts.
Why is a man without whiskers impudent?
He is bare faced.
Why is a plum-pudding like the ocean?
It contains many currents.
716
WIT AND HUMOR.
Why is a person approaching a lamp like a person about to
get off a horse?
He is going to a light (alight),
Why are noisy people at a public meeting like sputtering
candles?
They only cease to be nuisances when they are put out.
When is a pretty girl like a ship?
When she is attached to a buoy.
Why ought the stars to be the best astronomers?
They have studded the heavens since the creation of the
world.
Why is a person scolding like a garden fence?
He's a railing.
Why should a carriage-wheel be fatigued?
It is always tired.
When you listen to a drum, why are you like a just judge?
You hear both sides.
Why is the word lilies like a man's face?
It has two i's (eyes).
▸
Why is a man who beats his wife like a thorough-bred
horse?
He is a perfect brute.
When does a farmer act with great rudeness towards his
corn?
When he pulls its ears.
Why is a bee-hive like a bad potato?
A bee-hive is a bee-holder, and a beholder is a spectator, and
a spect-tater is a bad potato.
How many fathers has a man?
Nine; his father, his father-in-law, his godfather, two grand-
fathers, and his fore (four) fathers.
PUNS AND CONUNDRUMS.
717
When is a chair like a lady's dress?
When it is sat-in.
When is a clock on the stairs dangerous?
When it runs down and strikes one.
Why is coffee like an axe with a dull edge?
It must be ground before it is used.
Why is a horse in a stable like a tortured criminal?
He is tied to the rack.
What part of a lady's attire most resembles a solitary per
son?
Her-mits.
If you pull a dog's tail, why is that like your tea-caddy?
Because you're teasing it.
Why is a blacksmith the most likely person in trade to be
corrupted?
He is surrounded by vices.
What is that which Adam only of all mankind, never saw,
and never possessed?
Parents.
Why is a lucky gambler an agreeable fellow?
Because he has such winning ways.
Why is using tobacco like a ragged riding dress?
It is a bad habit.
Why is a looking-glass unlike a giddy girl?
The one reflects without speaking, the other speaks without
reflecting?
Why is a student of theology like a merchant ?
He studies the prophets (profits).
Why is a family of ugly daughters like guns with bad locks?
They do not go off well.
18
WIT AND HUMOR.
:
Why is a man who has nothing to boast of but his ances
tors, like a potato?
The best thing belonging to him is under ground.
Why is a man who has fallen off a tree, and is determined
to go up again, like a man emigrating?
He is going to try another climb (clime).
Why is a school boy studying his lesson like knowledge itself?
He is learning.
Why is a baker a most improvident man?
He is always selling what he kneads (needs) himself.
What proves sailors to be very careless?
They are in a "mess" every day at sea.
Why is a woman, churning, like a caterpillar?
She makes the butter fly.
What instrument of war does an angry lover resemble?
A cross-bow.
Why is a newly born baby like a gale of wind?
Because it begins with a squall.
Why is a nail driven tight into a wall like a weak old man?
It is in firm (infirm).
Why is a dull and plausible man like an unrifled gun ?
He is a smooth bore.
Why is old ocean so apt to lash himself into fury?
Because he is so often crossed.
Puns.
What animals are always seen at funerals?
Black kids.
How came the sandwiches there?
The tribe of Ham was bred there and mustered.
UNS AND CONUNDRUMS.
718
"Are you the mate of this ship? said a passenger to the
cook.
"No, sir, I am the man that cooks the mate," said the
Irishman.
"Do you call a man kind who remits nothing to his family
while away? said an actor. "Call that kindness?
“Yes, unremitting kindness," was the reply of Douglas
Jerrold.
On a pretty girl saying to Leigh Hunt: "I am very sad you
see," he replied.
ور
"Oh, no, you belong to the Jewish Sect, you are very fair
I see.' ""
If the devil were to lose his tail, where would he go to get a
new one put on?
To some low grog-shop, where the worst of spirits are
retailed.
What did the spider do when he came out of the ark?
He took a fly and went home.
Why are kisses like the creation?
They are made of nothing and are very good.
Why are chickens necks like dinner bells?
Because we ring them before dinner.
Why is a side saddle like a 4-quart measure?
Because it holds a gal on.
When is the Prince of Wales like a cloud?
When he reigns.
Why is the most discontented man, the most easily satisfied?
Nothing satisfies him.
What is the difference between dieting and dying?
When you diet you live on nothing, and when you die you
have nothing to live on.
1/
50
720
WIT AND HUMOR.
When does a man rob his wife.
When he hooks her dress.
Why is Smith like an underdone cake?
Because he is not Brown.
What is the difference between a tramp and a feather bed i
One is hard up and the other is soft down.
Why are ripe potatoes in ground like thieves?
They ought to be taken up.
When is man not a man?
When he is a-shaving.
Why is the figure nine like a peacock?
It is nothing without its tail.
What connection is b-eer to bier?
Beer fills many a bottle and the bottle fills many a bier.
Why is an interesting book like a toper's nose?
It is read (red) to the very end.
When is a bill like a gun ?
When it is presented and discharged.
When is & cat like a tea-pot?
When your tea's in it.
Why is a person with his eyes closed like an inefficent
school-master?
He keeps his pupils in darkness.
When are true words sweet words?
When they are candid (candied).
Why are corsets like opposition omnibuses?
Because they reduce the fair (fair).
What things increase the more you contract them?
Debts.
Why is an infant like a diamond?
It is a "dear little thing."
PUNS AND CONUNDRUMS.
721
6
Deformed Conundrums.
66
ì
Deformed conundrums are those which can only be answered
by a statement of fact, instead of by a word of double mean-
ing. For example :
What will make more noise under a gate than a pig? Ans.
Two pigs.
Jim, kin
you tell me de dif'rence between a rotten head of
cabbage and a watermelon ?"
"No, sah."
Well, for de land sake! You's de last nigger dat I'd send
out after a watermellon for me."
Curious Conundrums.
If you were going through the woods, which had you rather
have, a lion eat you or a bear? The lion eat a bear.
What most frequently becomes a woman? A little girl.
Which is the most popular of the United States? Matrimony.
"Are you Owen Smith? "Oh, yes, I must be, I'm owin'
everybody!"
What is the difference between your mother-in-law and a
tree? Ans. A tree leaves every spring, and your mother-in-
law.
Acting Puns-For Home and Church Amusement.
Melville D. Landon,
and acting and
The burlesque
A kindred amusement to guessing puns
guessing charades is the burlesque tableau.
tableau consists in making a pun with a material object. The
pleasure of discovering the pun is very acute. This is the way
at is done: The manager of the tableau announces, with a
grand flourish, that the next tableau will be "General Grant
722
WIT AND HUMOR.
0
in China."
photograph of Gen. Grant in a china tea cup.
The subjects of the rest of the tableaux can be announced as
follows:
The curtain rises, and the audience sees a
2. "The Peace Maker"-A pair of scissors.
3. "The Matchless Casket "-An empty box of matches.
4. "Kids at Rest"--An old pair of kid gloves.
5. "The Deer Slayer "-A pair of corsets.
6. "Monuments of Greece "-Two tallow candles.
7. "A Bad Spell of Weather "-Wether.
8. The Dead Beats"-A basket of beets.
9. "Can't be Beat "-Turnip.
10. "All on Board”—An awl on a board.
11. "The Tax Gatherer "-A claw-hammer.
12. "Paradise "-A pair of dice.
13. "The Bridal Scene "-An old horse bridle.
14. "The Unopened Letter"-The letter O.
15. "The Four Seasons "-Salt, pepper, vinegar, mustard.
16. "The Skipper's Home”—A piece of cheese.
17. "Four Acres Enough "-Four old teeth.
,,
18. "The Faithful Detective "-A fine tooth comb.
19. "After Lent"-The remains of an umbrella.
20. Revenue scene, "Tax on Tea "-Carpet tacks on some
tea.
21. Companion "Mustered In "--Mustard in the bottle.
22. pictures, "Mustered Out "-Mustard outside.
23. "Commentator on Acts"-A common potato on an ax.
24. "New York on a Small Scale "-Map of the city on a
balance.
25. "An Absorbing Subject "-A sponge.
26. "The Spinners "--Two tops.
27. "Cain and Abel”—A cane and a bell.
28. "Long Branch at Night"-Long branch of a tree (room
darkened).
PUNS AND CONUNDRUMS.
723
Biblical Conundrums.
Eli Perkins.
The other night, the Boston Sabbath school teacher took off
her eye-glasses and asked me three square catechism questions
which displayed a Biblical knowledge that made my head swim.
"Who is the shortest man mentioned in the Bible, Mr. Per-
kins?" she commenced.
"The shortest man?" said I. "Why, I know.
It was
Nehemiah or Mr. What's-his-name, the Shuhite. It was--_. ”
"No, sir, it was Peter," interrupted the Boston girl. "He
carried neither gold nor silver in his purse.
'Who was the straightest man?”
"Was it Joseph," I asked, "when he didn't fool with Mrs.
Potiphar?"
"No, it was Joseph, afterwards, when they made a ruler of
him.
66
'But, now, tell me, Eli, what man in the Bible felt the
worst?
""
"Was it Job, Miss Boston?"
"No, sir; it was Jonah. He was down in the mouth for
days."
It was this same Boston girl who years ago said Cain never
could sit down on a chair," and when they asked her “Why?”
she said: "Why, because he wasn't Abel.”
When I asked the Boston girl which was the oldest, Methu-
selah or Deuteronomy, she answered: "Why Deuteronomy,
for Barnes, the commentator, says Deuteronomy came before
Numbers '-and of course he's too old to be computed."
.S
1
CHARADES, RIDDLES, ENIGMAS
AND PUZZLES.
Their Hidden Wit.
As charades and puzzles provide employment, improvement
and enjoyment to the mental faculties, they deserve a place in a
great book of wit and humor. In a charade or a mathematical
puzzle the wit is hidden away and the reader must find it.
The pleasure of finding the answer is so acute that Douglas
Jerrold once called the charade hidden wit.
Charades.
1. My first is a rehide; my second is a preposition; my
whole is a part of a ship.
(Cob-in.)
2. My first is a game; my second is what we use our eyes
for; my whole is one of the United States. (Tennessee).
3. My first marks time; my second spends it; and my
whole tells it.
(Watch-man.)
4. My first is a bright color; my second gives a sound;
and my whole is a wild flower.
(Blue-bell.)
5. Ho who bravely does my first, ere ever youth be passed,
in age will own my second, or need my whole at last.
(Work-house.)
6. At evening by my whole you'll think of days gone by;
and never reckon that by my second my first is made, and by
my nrst my second
(Fire-light.)
·
CHARADES, KIDDLES, ENIGMAS AND PUZZLES.
725
7. My first is the support of a building, my second quickly
fades, my whole is beautiful and fragrant.
(Wall-flower.)
8.
10.
9. In hope of my first, being caught by my second, I sat
down by the side of the brook; but lo and behold! as I looked
quickly down, my first had gone off with my whole.
(Fish-hook.)
13.
My first makes all nature appear with one face;
My second has music and beauty and grace;
My whole, when the winter hangs dull o'er the earth,
Is a source of much pleasure of mischief and mirth.
(Snow-ball.)
My first is what you're doing now,
My second is procured from stone;
Before my whole you often stand,
But mostly when you are alone.
(Looking-glass.)
11. My first is formal, my second is a flower, and my
whole is a flower.
(Primrose.)
15.
12. My first is in most shops, in every window my second,
Why whole is used for the bed, and in winter a comfort
is reckoned.
(Counter-pane.)
Dear is my first when shadowy night is near,
It is my second makes my first so dear;
My whole with decent care my first preserves,
And thus to be my second well deserves.
(House-wife.)
14. My first is a noble animal, my second is lord of crea-
tion, my third a vessel, my whole is an art.
(Horse-man-ship.)
My first is on the reindeer's head,
My second is a measure,
My total is a favorite dance,
That's always seen with pleasure.
(Horn-pipe.)
726
WIT AND HUMOR.
16.
17.
My first gave us early support,
My next is a virtuous lass;
To the fields if at eve you resort,
My whole you will probably pass.
20.
(Milk-maid.)
My first is the foe of rats and mice;
My next you'll meet with in a fair;
My third of various forms and price,
Oft decorates a lady's hair;
My whole in foreign climes, is said
To form a mansion for the dead.
(Cat-a-comb.)
18. My first is a preposition, my second is a tree, my third
is a female's name, my whole is a lodging for the sick.
(In-fir-mary.)
19. My first is a useful animal, my second is a root, and
my whole is a root.
(Horse-radish.)
Oft times you'll find, laid up in store,
Within my first my second.
In tales of love and deeds of war,
Quite fair my whole is reckoned.
+
(Strata-gem.)
21. My first is the product of my second, and my whole is
pleasant to romp in.
(Hay-field.)
22.
My first is coarse and homely food,
The cotter's fare, but still 'tis good
My second you may quick define,
The place in which we dance or dine;
My whole when fresh, and nicely cooked
No epicure e'er overlooked.
(Mush-room.)
23. My first is a pronoun, my next is used at weddings, my
whole is an inhabitant of the deep.
¿Her-ring.)
CHARADES, RIDDLES, ENIGMAS AND PUZZLES.
727
24. Without my first my second could never have existed,
and my whole is as old as creation.
26.
(Sun-day.)
25. My first is a noisome insect, my next a ferocious
animal, my whole is used to frighten children and fools.
(Bug-bear.)
The weary traveler for precious case,
Struggles to pull off my first,
But without success; then in a rage,
Calls on my second to bring my whole.
(Boot-jack.)
27. My first is on or under a table, my second is a kind of
grain, my third is what all men desire, my whole is one of the
united states.
(Mat-ri-mony.)
28. My first descends, my second you often ascend, and my
whole is the name of a place.
(Rain-hill.)
29. My first is a beverage, my second is a measure for
beer, my whole is a domestic article.
(Tea-pot.)
30.
My first some men will often take
Entirely for my second's sake;
But very few indeed there are
Who both together well can bear.
31. My first I'm sure you do whenever
(Mis-fortune.)
You look straight forward over your nose;
My second is a tool most clever
To sunder what it can't compose.
I've spoken clearly, yet, to aid you,
I'll tell you more—a game I've made you.
(See-Saw.)
32. My first is a color, my second is a workman, and my
whole is a workman.
(Black-smith.)
33. My first is a grain, my second is part of a house, and
whole is an English county.
(Corn wall.)
728
WIT AND HUMOR.
f
34. My first brings joy to all around, my second may bring
sorrow,
My whole but once a year is found, and may be, your
to-morrow.
(Birth-day.)
35. My first is dropped into my second, and is called my
whole.
(Letter-box.)
36.
37
whisper.
My first is condemned by the elegant belle,
As fit for old women to wear;
7
In my second instruction and pleasure I find,
My whole I can use all the year.
(Pocket-book.)
My first is a liquid, my second is a fish, my whole is a
(Ink-ling.)
38. My first is but a name, my second is more small,
My whole is of so little fame, it has no name at all.
(Name-less.)
39. My first is to spoil, my second is a vowel, my third is a
precious metal, my whole is a flower.
(Mar-i-gold.)
40. My second was given through my first to an old lady
in the dark.
(Blunder-buss.)
41.
My first if you do, you won't hit it,
My next if you do, you won't leave it,
My whole if you do, you won't guess it.
(Mis-take.)
42. My first is useful to the earth, my second is worn by
ladies, and my whole is seen in the sky.
(Rain-bow.)
43. My first is used in driving, my second is needy, my
third is a nickname, and my whole is a bird.
(Whip-poor-will.)
44. A fish and an insect with a vowel unite,
You then will behold something sparkling and bright.
(Brill-i-ant.)
CHARADES, RIDDLES, ENIGMAS AND PUZZLES.
729
45.
My first is a color, my second is rough;
My whole is a story you know well enough.
(Blue-Beard.)
Riddle or Enigma.
The riddle or enigma is the most ancient species of wit
known. The famous "Riddle of the Sphinx" antedates the
Pyramids.
The first biblical account of the riddle occurs in the 14th
Chapter of Judges, 12th verse. When Samson went down
to Timnath, among the Philistines, to marry his wife, he gave
a seven days' feast. On a previous occasion, when courting
his wife, he had slain a lion. On returning to the feast, he
found that the bees had made a nest in the lion's carcass. He
broke up the nest and took the honey. Then, on arriving at the
marriage feast, he told the Philistines that if they could guess
his riddle, he would give them thirty suits of clothes. This was
Samson's riddle:
Out of the eater came forth meat, and out of the strong
came forth sweetness.
The Philistines worked on the riddle for five days. There
was great excitement over it. Finally they got Samson's wife
to tell the secret, and they came to Samson on the seventh
day, and gave the answer:
What is sweeter than honey, and what is stronger than a
lion ?
When they claimed the wager, Samson made the famous.
answer: "If
"If ye had not plowed with my heifer, ye had not
found out my riddle." To pay the Philistines for their dis-
honesty in stealing the answer, Samson went down to Ashke-
lon, slew thirty Philistines, and brought back their clothes and
gave them to them.
All nations, since Samson's feast, or since the pyramids
were built, have been interested in riddles or enigmas.
730
WIT AND HUMOR.
The following are given as the best riddles in the English
language:
1. What three American coins will make a dollar?
(Half a dollar and two quarters.)
2. What is that which a gentleman has not, and never can
have, but may give it to a lady?
(A Husband.)
3. What is that which you have, and everybody has at the
same time?
(A Name.)
4. It hangs and it bears, but it never blossoms.
6.
***
(A Chimney Crane.)
5. I went into the woods and got it; I sat down to look
for it; and the more I looked for it the less I liked it; and not
being able to find it, came away with it?
(A Thorn in the Foot.)
There is a thing that nothing is,
And yet it has a name;
'Tis sometimes tall and sometimes short,
It joins our walks, it joins our sport,
And plays at every game.
(A Shadow.)
7. I am taken from a mine; and shut up in a wooden case,
from which I am never released, and yet I am used by almost
everybody.
(A Lead Pencil.)
8. I'm a singular creature, pray tell me my name-
I partake of my countrymen's glory and fame.
I daily am old, and I daily am new,
I am praised, I am blamed, I am false, I am true —
I'm the talk of the nation, while I'm in my prime,
But forgotten when once I've outlasted my time.
In the morning no Miss am more courted than I,
In the evening you see me thrown carelessly by.
Take a warning ye fair -- I like you have my day,
But, alas! you like me must grow old and decay.
(A Newspaper.)
CHARADES, RIDDLES, ENIGMAS AND PUZZLES.
731
9. Come read me this riddle without any pother,
Five legs on one side and three on the other,
Two eyes in my forehead, and four on my back,
One tongue that is silent and two that can clack.
(A horse carrying a woman riding behind a man.)
10. Two lookers, two hookers, four hangers, four gangers,
and a flap to scare the flies away.
(A Cow.)
11. Down in the meadows there was a red heifer, give her
hay she would eat it, give her water she would die. (Fire.)
12. If you see three pigeons on a tree, and shoot two, how
many will remain ?
(Nonethe third will fly away.)
14.
13. I have but one eye, and that eye without sight,
Yet it helps me whatever I do;
I'm sharp without wits, without senses I'm bright,
The fortune of some, and of some the delight,
And I doubt not I'm useful to you. (A Needle.)
15.
I'm rough, I'm smooth, I'm wet, I'm dry,
My station low, my title high,
My king my lawful master is,
I'm used by all though only his.
I've seen you where you never were,
And where you never will be,
And yet within that very place,
You shall be seen by me.
(The Highway.)
16. Black and white and re(a)d all over.
(In a Mirror.)
(A Newspaper.)
17. Four-and-twenty white bulls all in a stall,
Along comes a red bull and licks them all.
(The teeth and the tongue.)
18. What is that which divides by uniting, and unites by
dividing.
(Shears.)
732
WIT AND HUMOR.
19. What is that which goes up the hill, and down the hill,
and spite of all yet standeth still?
(The Road.)
20.
He that in music takes delight,
And he that sleeps secure at night,
And he who sails too near the land,
And he that's caught by law's strong hand,
He who his time in tavern spends,
And he that courts of law attends-
Are all acquainted well with me :
My name you surely now must see.
(Bar.)
21.
What is that which lives in winter, and dies in summer,
and always grows with its roots upward? (An Icicle.)
22. Four-and-twenty white horses, now they gallop, now
they canter, and now they stand still.
(My Teeth.)
23.
In marble halls as white as milk,
Lined with a skin as soft as silk,
Within a fountain crystal clear,
A golden apple does appear.
24. I am welcome to all from cottage to throne;
There's scarce a condition where I am unknown ;
I strive to do good, and I scarce can do harm;
Even music without me must give up a charm.
I'm the joy of the weary, the hope of the sick,
And fain would I visit where sorrows are thick;
I'm a friend to the peaceful, a foe to all strife,
My presence is needful to keep you in life.
By chance you may find me as far off you roam,
But I ever am purest, and sweetest at home.
When life is all over, and troubles are past,
May I be your portion, forever at last.
(Rest.)
25. When first my maker formed me to his mind,
He
gave me eyes, yet left me dark and blind;
CHARADES, RÍDDLES, ENIGMAS AND PUZZLES.
733
26.
29.
He made a nose, yet left me without smell;
A mouth, but neither voice nor tongue to tell;
I'm used at night, yet ladies oft through me,
Although I hide the face, do plainly see.
(A Mask.)
Either backward or forward if you take me fair,
I am one way a number, the other a snare.
(Ten-net.)
27. Round the house, and round the house, and makes but
one track.
(A Wheel-barrow.)
28. On yonder hill there is a mill, and in that mill there is
a wheel, and now it goes, and now it stands still.
(The Tongue.)
Brown I am and much admired,
Many horses have I tired,
Tire a horse and worry a man,
Tell me this riddle if you can?
(A Saddle.)
30. Round the house, round the house, and leaves a white
glove in the window?
(Snow.)
31.
And though no sense nor life I share,
In finest silks I'm clad.
By little girls I'm valued much,
Beloved and highly prized;
Yet still my cruel fate is such,
By boys I am despised.
(A Doll.)
32. What is that which by adding something to it will
become smaller, but if you add nothing it will grow larger?
(A Hole in a Stocking.)
33. As I was going to St. Ives, I chanced to meet with
nine old wives.
Each wife had nine sacks, each sack had nine cats,
Each cat had nine kits. Kits, cats, sacks, and wives,
Tell me how many were going to St. Ives.
(Only Myself)
734
WIT AND HUMOR.
2
34.
35.
I tremble with each breath of air,
And yet can heaviest burdens bear;
'Tis known that I destroyed the world,
And all things in confusion hurled;
And yet I do preserve all in it
Through each revolving hour and minute.
(Water.)
I'm longer and longer the lower I fall,
And when I am highest I'm shortest of all.
(A Plummet.)
36. What is that which in the morning walks on four legs,
walks on two legs at noon, and in the evening walks on three
legs? (Man. In infancy he creeps on all fours, when a man
he walks erect, when old he is obliged to use a staff.)
This riddle is many hundred years old, and is called "The
riddle of the Sphinx."
38.
37. Use me well and I'm everybody, scratch my back and
I'm nobody.
(A Looking-glass.)
Pray tell us, ladies, if you can,
Who is that highly favored man,
Who, though he's married many a wife,
May be a bachelor all his life?
(A Clergyman.)
39. I'm slain to save me-with much care and pain,
Scattered, dispersed, and gathered up again,
Withered, tho' young-most sweet, tho' unperfumed,
And carefully laid up to be consumed. (Hay.)
40.
What word is there of five letters that, by taking away
two, leaves one?
(Stone.)
41.
I daily breathe, say what you will,
And yet I have no life
I kindle feuds, but never kill,
Nor cause the smallest strife.
(A Bellows.)
CHARADES, RIDDLES, ENIGMAS AND PUZZLES.
735
43.
42.
As I looked over the steeple I saw three people, they
were neither men, women, nor children.
(They were a man, a woman, and a child.)
A word of three syllables, seek till you find,
Which has in it twenty-six letters combined.
(Alphabet.)
44. What is that which every one can divide, and no one
can see where it is divided?
(Water.)
45.
46.
A riddle, a riddle as I suppose,
A hundred eyes and never a nose.
I am found in a jail, I belong to a fire,
I am seen in a gutter abounding in mire,
Put my last letter third, and it will be found,
I belong to a king without changing my sound.
(Grate, Great.)
47. What is that which is too much for one, enough for
two, but nothing at all for three?
(A Secret.)
48.
62.
(A Coal Sifter.)
What force or strength cannot get through,
I with a gentle touch can do ;
And many in the street would stand,
Were I not as a friend at hand.
(A Key.)
49. A house full and a yard full, but you can't catch a bow!
full.
(Smoke.)
50. What is that which never asks a question yet requires
many answers?
(A Door Knocker.)
What yesterday was, and what to-morrow will be.
(To-day.)
I never was but always am to be ;
None ever saw me, you may never see;
And yet I am the confidence of all
Who live and breathe on this terrestrial ball.
(To-morrow.)
736
WIT AND HUMOR.
53.
54.
55.
56.
57.
58.
Niddy, noddy, two heads and one body.
(A. Barrel.)
In Africa once I delighted to range,
On the tail of my owner I fled,
In America now behold the change,
Instead of a tail, I dress a head.
(An Ostrich Feather.)
In spring I look gay, dressed in handsome array,
But in summer more clothing I wear;
When colder it grows, I throw off my clothes,
And in winter quite naked appear.
(A Tree.)
No doors there are in this strong hold
Yet thieves break in and steal the gold.
(An Egg.).
There was a thing just four weeks old, when Adam
was no more,
Before that thing was five weeks old, Adam was
four score.
(The Moon.)
Hooked, crooked, notched and straight.
(Steelyards.)
59. Chip, chip, cherio, twelve men o' Dario can't climb
chip, chip, cherio.
(Smoke.)
60.
A word of one syllable, easy and short,
Reads backward and forward the same;
It expresses the sentiments warm from the heart,
And to beauty lays principal claim.
(Eye.)
61. A duck before two ducks; a duck behind two ducks ;
and a duck between two ducks. How many ducks in all?
(Three.)
62. Long legs, crooked thighs, bald head and no eyes?
(Tongs.)
CHARADES, RIDDLES, ENIGMAS AND PUZZLES.
737
63. What word is there which contains all the vowels and
in their proper order?
(Facetiously.)
64. Little Miss Netticoat, with a white petticoat
65.
And a red nose: the longer she stands the shorter
she grows.
(A Candle.)
Although we are but twenty-six
We change to millions too;
Surely we cannot speak a word,
Yet tell what others do.
66.
pole.
(The Alphabet.)
I bear much, devour much, and reach from pole to
(The Sea.)
67. Round as an apple, deep as a cup, all the king's oxen
can't draw it up.
(A Well.)
68. Ten men's length, ten men's strength, ten men can't
tear it, a little boy can pick it up and carry it. (A Rope.)
69. Chink, chink, through the brook and
drink.
70.
Although a human shape I wear,
I mother never had.
Mathematical Puzzles.
71. Over the water, and under the water, and not touch
the water.
(A Woman crossing a bridge with a pail of water on her
head.)
1. When is 2 and 2 not equal to 4?
When it is 22.
never stop to
(A Chain.)
2. What number diminished by 4 3-5 leaves 21?
25 3-5.
3. Two drovers, A and B meeting on the road, were taking
of their sheep. Said B to A, "If you give me one of your
sheep I will have as many as you." A replied, "Nay, but
733
WIT AND HUMOR.
give me one of your sheep and I will have as many again as
you." Tell how many each had?
A had seven sheep, B had five.
4. A country woman carrying eggs to a garrison had three
guards to pass, she sold at the first, half the number she had,
and half an egg more; at the second, half of what remained
and half an egg more; at the third half of the remainder and
half an egg more. When she arrived at the market place she
had thirty-six eggs; how many had she at first?
i
Solution.-By taking the greater part of an odd number we
take the exact an egg more, therefore the woman had, before
she passed the last guard, seventy-three eggs; in like manner
before she passed the second guard she had 147; and before
she came to the first guard she had 295 eggs.
5. If you have a pie and give 1-12 to A, 1-6 to B, 1-6 to C,
and to D, and to another, what would you have left?
The platter.
6.
When first the marriage knot was tied,
Betwixt my love and me,
My age did then her age exceed
As three times three doth three.
But when for ten and half ten years
We man and wife had been,
Her age came up as near to mine,
As eight is to sixteen.
The man was 45 the lady 15.
7. What number multiplied by of itself will produce 121?
5.
8. What number multiplied by of itself will produce 27?
6.
9. What is the difference between twenty four quart botties,
and four and twenty quart bottles?
56 qts. dif.
CHARADES, RIDDLES, ENIGMAS AND PUZZLES.
739
10. A and B haa pigs to sell. They sold them together, but
B's pig was to bring a cent a lb more than A's. A's pig
weighed 300 lbs, and B's pig 400, they received 4 cts. a lb.
How much did they get and how could they divide it?
They received $28. To divide it, first take out a cent a lb.
on 400 lbs-$2. Then A's share will be 3-7 of the remaining
$26-$11 1-7. And B's share 4-7 of $26+$2.=$16 6.7.
11. A man had a hundred pounds given him to lay out in
stock for a farm, of which he was to buy one hundred head.
He was limited to cows, sheep and geese; he was to give five
pounds each for the cows, one pound each for the sheep, and a
shilling each for the geese; how many of each did he buy?
19 cows at £5 each £95
1 sheep at £1 each £1
80 geese at 1s. each £4
100
£100
12. If from six you take nine, and from nine you take ten,
Ye wits, now the puzzle explain ;
And if fifty from forty be taken, there then
Will just half a dozen remain.
Solution.-From SIX take IX and S
From IX take X and I will remain.
From XL take L and X
13. December and May. An old man married a young
woman, their united ages amounted to C, the man's age multi-
plied by four and divided by 9 gives the woman's age. What
was the age of each?
The man's age 69 years 12 weeks, the woman's age 30 years.
40 weeks.
14. To 4 times a certain number I add 16, as a result I
obtain 188. What is the number?
43.
740
WIT AND HUMOR.
C
16. A man offered to sell his horse by receiving so much
apiece for the nails in his horse's shoes, he was to have a half
cent for the first nail, the amount to be doubled for each suc-
ceeding nail, there were seven nails in each shoe, and four
shoes, what was the price of the horse?
$1,342,177.275.
17. What is the difference between six dozen dozen and half
a dozen dozen ?
792.
18. Place three sixes together so as to make 7?
6 6-6.
19. What three figures multiplied by 4 will make 5?
11.
20. Divide 60 into such parts that one exceeds the other
by 24?
}
18 one part, 42 the other part.
21. Add one to nine and make it twenty.
IX add I makes XX.
22. What number increased by of itself gives 20!
15.
23. Prove that seven is the half of twelve.
Place XII and draw a line through them, the upper hali
is VII.
24. How can you take one from nineteen and leave twenty?
XIX leave I out is XX.
25. There was a well 30 feet deep and a frog at the bottom
jumped up 3 feet every day and fell back 2 feet every night,
how long did it take him to jump out?
28 days.
26. Find a number such that when 12 is added to its double,
the result will be 28?
8.
vyền 64 v
CHARADES, RIDDLES, ENIGMAS AND PUZZLES.
741
27. A is 3 times
twice as old as B.
as old as B, and 19 years hence he will be
What is the age of each?
A is 57 years old and B is 19 years old.
How Did She Manage to do it?
A Boston chambermaid is said to have got twelve commercial
travelers into eleven bedrooms and yet to have given each a
separate bedroom. Here we have the eleven bedrooms :
| 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 |
"Now," said she, "if two of you gentlemen will go into No.
1 bedroom and wait a few minutes, I'll find a spare room for
one of you as soon as I have shown the others to their rooms."
Well, now, having thus bestowed two men in No. 1, she puts
the third in No. 2, the fourth in No. 3, the fifth in No. 4, the
sixth in No. 5, the seventh in No. 6, the eighth in No. 7, the
ninth in No. 8, the tenth in No. 9, the eleventh in No. 10.
She then came back to No. 1, where you will remember she
left the twelfth along with the first, and said: "I've now
accommodated all the rest, and still have a room to spare; so
you will please step into No. 11, you will find it empty." Thus
the twelfth man got his bedroom. Of course there is a hole in
the saucepan somewhere; but we leave the reader to determine
exactly where the fallacy is, with a just warning to think twice
before deciding as to which, if any, was the "odd man out.”
JOKES, TRICKS AND MAGIC.
How to play Jokes and Tricks.
Melville D. Landon, A.M.
An anecdote is the description of a joke. A joke between
two persons is always intensely interesting, because it is in the
first person. A joke is generally perpetrated with some word,
while tricks are done with things.
To illustrate a joke with words: A very swell young feliow
was walking up Fifth avenue the other day. A friend of his
saw him from the other side of the street, and crossing over,
said:
66
1
Hallo, Gus! I see you have got a new suit of clothes?"
"Yes, I bought them of my tailor yesterday."
"Bought them of your tailor, did you?" said his friend,
taking hold of the lappel. "Now, I'll bet you that you
bought them out of a pawnshop."
"How much will you bet that I bought them out of a
pawnshop?" exclaimed the young man, indignantly.
"I'll bet a thousand dollars."
"And who will decide the bet?"
"You, yourself, shall decide."
"Now, where did you buy them?"
"Why, I bought them of Brooks Brothers, my tailors."
"Is that a pawnshop?"
"No."
"Then, you didn't buy them in a pawnshop?"
"No."
"Then you must have bought them out of a pawnshop.
That is just what I bet."
7
JOKES, TRICKS AND MAGIC.
743
Conjurors' Jokes.
Conjurors often resort to jokes which can only be compared
to the double conundrum, these jokes are pretended tricks, in-
troduced with great mystery, but which are so simple whez
performed that they produce great laughter. For instance:
You take six pieces of paper; place three of them on th
back of your hand, and, as a preliminary operation, blow them
away with an air of great mystery, informing your audience at
the same time that you are about to explain to them some new
kind of magnetism. Then placing the other three pieces on
your hand, you say:
"Which of the three pieces do the company desire shall
remain on my hand when I blow on them? "
When one has been selected, you place the forefinger of
your other hand upon it and blow the other pieces away. The
absurdity of this mode of solving this problem is sure to create
much amusement.
The Clasped Hands Joke.
Tell a person that you will clasp his hands together in such
a manner that he shall not be able to leave the room without
unclasping them, although you will not confine his feet, or
bind his body, or in any way oppose his exit.
This trick is performed by clasping the party's hands round
the pillar of a large circular table, or other bulky article of
furniture, too large for him to drag through the doorway.
Magic Circle Joke.
Tell a person you will place him in the center of a room, and
draw a circle of chalk around him, which shall not extend three
feet in diameter, yet out of which he shall not be able to leap,
though his legs shall be perfectly free. When the party has
51
744
WIT AND HUMOR.
exhausted his ingenuity in trying to discover by what mean
you can prevent his accomplishing so seemingly easy a task,
you ask him if he will try, and on his assenting, you bring
him into the middle of the room, and having requested him to
button his coat tightly, you draw, with a piece of chalk, a circle
round his waist, outside his coat, and tell him to jump out of it.
It will greatly improve this trick if the person be blindfolded.
as he will not be aware of the mode of performing it till the
bandage is removed, provided his attention be diverted while
you are drawing the line around him.
An Amusing Joke for the Drawing Room.
Begin by declaring that if any one will write´something on
a piece of paper, you will undertake to say what there is upon
it. Should any one take you, tell him when he has written
something on a piece of paper, to roll it up small and hold the
paper straight up in his hand, and after making him hold it up
a number of different ways, say, "Now place the paper on the
ground in the middle of the room, and in order that I may not
have the chance of lifting it up in the least, place both your
feet upon it, I will then proceed to take up a candle, a stick,
or anything else you please, and inform you at once what is
on the paper." After going through all sorts of manœuvres to
mislead the spectators, and keep alive their curiosity, you
finally turn to the gentleman who is standing with both feet
on the paper: "I have undertaken to state what was upon
that piece of paper. You are upon it." With many a hearty
laugh, you will be declared the winner of the bet.
The Visible Invisible Joke.
Tell one of the company that you will place a candle in
such a manner that every person in the room, except himself,
shall see it, yet you will not blindfold him, nor in any way
JOKES, TRICKS AND MAGIC.
745
restiin nis person, or offer the least impediment to his exami-
nation or going to any part of the room he pleases. This trick
is accomplished by placing the candle upon the party's head;
but it can not be performed if a looking-glass is in the room, as
that will enable him to turn the laugh against you.
The Water Joke.
You wager any person that you will so fill a glass of water
that he shall not move it off the table without spilling the
whole contents. You then fill the glass, and laying a piece of
thin card over the top of it, you dexterously turn the glass
upside down on the table, and then draw away the card, and
leave the water in the glass, with its foot upwards. It will,
therefore, be impossible to remove the glass from the table
without spilling every drop.
The Sodium Volcano.
One of the most magnificent experiments is what I call the
Sodium Volcano. It is made by boring with a common bit ·
or auger a hole about 6 inches deep and 11 inches in diameter
vertically into a large (cubic foot) piece of clear ice, and
dropping therein a piece of Sodium (a metal similar to potas-
sium) about an inch long. This sets the ice on fire at the
bottom of the hole and burns with a bright flame (seen clearly
through the ice) for a few seconds, and then explodes with a
loud report, sending the burning sodium in a thousand pieces
to the height of 50 feet or more, in the shape of a fountain of
fire, making a splendid pyrotechnical display.-Prof. James
R. Eaton, Prof. of Chemistry, Wm. Jewell College.
As good an instance of a trick performed with things as
there is, is the famous coat trick of Baldwin, the magician.
Baldwin's trick, and a trick which astonished the savants
740
WIT AND HUMOR.
1
of Harvard College, was to allow some one in the audience
sew the lappels of his coat together, and even lock his cont an
him by a padlock through the button-holes. Then Baldwin
would go behind the scenes and take off his coat without cut-
ting the threads or unlocking the padlock. Baldwin played
this trick on thousands of astonished audiences. One day 1
asked him to explain to me how he did it.
"6
Why," said he, "like all magical tricks, it is too simple to
describe. Any one can do this trick. You don't need to
unbutton your coat when you take it off. You can take it off
over your head as you do a woolen shirt!”
How to Set Ice or Water on Fire.
"Touch ice or water with a simple piece of potassium and it
will cominence to burn with a great sinoke. It is not the ice
or water that burns, but the potassium, nevertheless the illu-
sion is complete.-James R. Eaton, A. M.
How to Light a Candle With an Icicle.
Place a piece of potassium in the wick of an oil lamp or in
the wick of a candle. The oil surrounding it will prevent its
oxidisation or rather combustion. But touch the piece of
potassium with an icicle and the lamp or candle will be ignit
ed and give a brilliant light.-James R. Eaton.
How to Cut Glass with a String.
Having privately dipped a thread in sulphur, wrap it around
the part of the glass you wish to cut, then set fire to it, and by
immersing it smartly into cold water, it will immediately cut
in the way required. This may cause a good deal of curiosity,
and is likewise very useful on some occasions.
JOKES, TRICKS AND MAGIC.
747
Candle Lighted By a Ghost.
The ghost candle is producea thus: Take a candle with a
long frayed out wick and partly wet it with a drop of spirits of
turpentine. Now dip the end of the wick in a solution of
phosphorus in bisulphide of carbon and place it anywhere.
After standing for about a minute the candle will suddenly
take fire of its own accord. A ghost can be rigged up with a
mysterious wand for the occasion.-James R. Eaton.
To Burn a Letter in a Person's Hand.
This is a similar experiment to the preceding. It is per
formed thus: Saturate a sheet of paper, newspaper or letter
with a solution of phosphorus in bisulphide of carbon and hand
it to a friend to read. In about a minute it will to his great
astonishment take fire in his hands and burn up. These ex-
periments are more astonishing than any tricks done by the
spiritualists.
1
Yellow.
The Celebrated Magic Bottle Trick.
The famous trick of pouring five kinds of liquor out of one
bottle, is thus explained to the readers of this volume by Prof.
James R. Eaton. To perform this trick five glasses and one
bottle are required. The glasses and bottle contain a few
drops of invisible chemicals as follows:
2
Blue.
3
Green.
4
Red.
5
White.
1 contains a few drops of solution of Iodide of Potassium.
2 contains a few drops of solution of Ferrocyanide of Potas-
sium.
3 contains a mixture of 1 and 2.
4 contains a few drops of solution of Sulphocyanide of Po-
tassium.
748
WIT AND HUMOR.
5 contains a little diluted Sulphuric Acid.
The magic bottle contains solution of Perchloride of Iron,
with a little solution of Nitrate of Lead. This poured into 1,
produces yellow; into 2, blue; 3, green; 4, red; 5, white.
To Put an Egg in a Bottle or Carafe.
To make an egg go into a bottle whose mouth is seemingly
too small to receive it: Take a quart bottle or carafe with a
mouth about an inch and a quarter in diameter. Into the
mouth thrust a piece of burning paper. When the air in the
bottle is rarefied and driven out, cork it with a hard-boiled egg
from which the shell has been taken. The flame exhausts the
air in the bottle, and as soon as the bottle cools off, the outer
atmosphere will drive the egg into the bottle. The egg will
lengthen out a little on going in, but will resume its original
shape as soon as it passes in.
Another way to put an egg in a bottle or phial is as follows:
Soak the egg in strong vinegar for some time. This will soften
the shell so that it will extend lengthwise without breaking.
When placed in cold water it will resume its former shape and
hardness.
Boiling Water in a Paper Box.
Make a small paper-box and suspend it by four threads to a
piece of wood held horizontally at a suitable hight. Fill this
improvised vessel with water, and place it over the flame of a
spirit lamp. The paper will not burn, because the water ab-
sorbs all the heat into itself. After a few minutes the water
begins to boil, sending forth clouds of steam, but the paper
remains uninjured.
We may also make use of an egg-shell as a vessel in which
to boil water, by resting it on a wire ring over the flame of a
spirit lamp.
میلی :
JOKES, TRICKS AND MAGIO.
749
Melting Tin on a Card.
Place some tin upon an ordinary business card and hold it
over the flame of a spirit lamp. The tin becomes completely
melted, but the card remains unburnt, the heat being entirely
absorbed by the metal, which draws it through the card into
itself. It is through a similar effect that metals appear cold to
us when we take them in our hands; by their conductibility
they remove the heat from our hands, and give us the peculiar
impression which we do not experience when we handle sub-
stances that are bad conductors, such as wood or woolen
materials.
Changing Flowers From Red to Green.
To do this take the columbine; on dipping it into ammoni
acal ether, which can be readily obtained from the druggist,
the blossom will change its color to a beautiful green. The
experimenter should be careful not to inhale the fumes of the
ether.
Changing the Color of the Rose.
Take a common full-blown rose, and having thrown flour of
sulphur into a chafing dish of hot coals, hold the rose over the
fumes thereof, and it will change to nearly white. If the rose
has been a long time plucked, the white will be perfectly so.
Afterward dip it in water a short time, lay it aside for a few
hours, and its color will return as the effects of the sulphur are
decomposed. A damp or humid atmosphere will bring about
the same decomposition, but slower.
To Melt Steel as Easily as Lead.
Heat a piece of steel in the fire until it is red, then take it
out and touch it with a piece of brimstone. As soon as the
brimstone touches the steel the metal will melt and drop down
like liquid.
750
WIT AND HUMOR.
To Make Fireproof Paper.
Dip a sheet of paper in a strong solution of alum water,
and, after drying it, repeat the process three times; then, hold
it in the flame, and it will not burn. To one who does not
understand the process your sheet of paper has undergone, the
surprise will be great.
The Three Spectral Wafers.
Place three different colored wafers, say red, violet, and
orange, upon a piece of white paper, in a triangular form, and
fix your eyes steadily on them for two minutes, and then turn
them away from the wafers to a blank part of the paper,
and you will see three spectral wafers; but the colors will be
different; the red wafer is now represented by green, the
violet by yellow, and the orange by blue.
To Mesmerize a Rooster.
Take a rooster and place him on a table. Point his beak
down as straight as possible, and let some one draw a line with
a piece of chalk directly from the beak for about two feet.
This will make the rooster cataleptic, or put him in a mesıner-
ized state, and he will stand perfectly still for some time, as if
transfixed, to the amusement of the audience.
Miraculous Lifting.
This surprising trick is for five persons to place their fore-
fingers under the sixth person and lift him up. One lifts the
chin, two others the elbows, and two others the hollows of the
insteps. If the person weighs 140 pounds, each person will
lift twenty pounds. The lifted person will seem to dance up
and down like a feather to the astonishment of the audience.
JOKES, TRICKS AND MAGIO.
751
To Bring a Dead Fly to Life.
Take a dead fly-one killed by drowning-put it in a glass
or cup full of water, and cover up so as deprive the fly of al
air. When the fly becomes motionless take it out, put it in
the sun, and cover it with salt. In two minutes it will come
to life and fly away. The fly may have been dead twenty-four
hours.
A Jumping Egg.
An egg being placed in a wine-glass, it is possible, by forci-
ble blowing between the egg and the side of the glass, to make
the egg leap from the glass, and even into another glass
placed near it. It will be seen that much amusement can be
obtained by very simple experiments, requiring little or no ap-
paratus, while receiving at the same time valuable lessons in
the laws of physics.
A Lamp that will Burn a Year.
Take a stick of phosphorus and put it into a large dry phial
not corked, and it will afford a light sufficient to discern any
object in a room when held near it. The phials should be kept
in a cool place where there is no great current of air, and it
will continue its luminous appearance for more than twelve
months.
Instantaneous Crystallizations.
The following experiment illustrates in a striking manner
the process of instantaneous crystallizations:
Let one hundred and fifty parts of hyposulphite of soda be
dissolved in fifteen parts of water, and the solution slowly
poured into a test-glass, previously warned by means of boil-
ing water, until the vessel is half full. One hundred parts of
acetate of soda is then dissolved in fifteen parts of water, and
752
WIT AND HUMOR.
poured slowly into the first solution, so that they form two
layers perfectly distinct from each other. The two solutions.
are then covered with a little boiling water. After it has been
left to stand and cool slowly, we have two solutions of hypo-
sulphite of soda and acetate of soda superposed on each other.
A thread, at the end of which is fixed a small crystal of hypo-
sulphite of soda, is then lowered into the test-glass; hardly
does it reach the lower solution of hyposulphite when it crys-
tallizes instantaneously. We then lower into the upper solu
tion a crystal of acetate of soda, suspended from another cord,
when this salt also crystallizes.
Hands and Face Become Black by Washing.
Take a few galls, bruise them to a fine powder, and strew
the powder nicely upon a towel; then put a little ground cop-
peras into a basin of water, which will dissolve and leave the
water perfectly transparent. After any person has washed in
this water and wiped with the towel on which the galls were
strewed, his hands and face will immediately become black;
but in a few days, by washing with soap, they will again be-
come clean.
LIST OF AUTHORS.
MARK TWAIN...
.35, 50, 54, 57, 67, 131, 592, 594, 598
BURDETTE.
• ·
15, 182, 235, 479, 482, 616
MELVILLE D. LANDON .9, 80, 138, 254, 263, 266, 304, 525, 708, 721, 742
JOSH BILLINGS
.22, 49, 79, 169
199, 379, 431, 442, 507, 508, 509, 512, 548, 639, 704
ALEX SWEET
23, 66, 142, 214, 229, 237, 242, 402, 529, 621
LEWIS.....
A. MINER GRISWOLD.
GEORGE PECK...
STANLEY HUNTLEY….
R. W. CRISWELL
H. T. WHITE.
•
··
BAILEY
MAX ADLER……
OPIE P. READ
BRET HARTE
BILL NYE.
ARTEMAS WARD.
M. QUAD...
PETROLEUM V. NASBY
PROCTOR KNOTT..
MRS. PARTINGTON.
JOHN B. GOUGH
•
·
•
•
•
•
•
GENERAL BUTLER.
JAMES RUSSELL LOWELL….
GEORGE ALFRED TOWNSEND.
EUGENE FIELD....
REV. JOHN JASPER
HENRY WARD BEECHER.
N. O. TIMES.
CHARLES F. ADAMS…….
JAMES R. EATON.
IVAN TOURGINEFF
WILL VISCHEE..
SUSAN B. ANTHONY
.85, 118, 126, 207, 227, 467, 527, 636, 687
51, 92, 141, 148, 216, 591, 603, 628
• •
• •
74, 177, 560, 564, 616
.121, 188, 212, 549
243, 688, 690, 706
.291, 376, 437, 507, 570
• ❤
·
.27, 42, 685
207, 362, 528
.46, 112, 124, 692
48, 81, 149, 223
478, 702
.14, 60
.25, 186
454
126
.166, 473, 483
209, 391, 663
703
.159, 447
283, 443
$19.355, 517
.582, 587
.538, 541
544, 654
•
.746, 747
.172, 224
.90, 535
442
758
754
LIST OF AUTHORS.
FANNY FERN ...
DR. CHAPMAN.
FRANCES M. WHICHER
ALF. BURNETT...
GEORGE W. KYLE.
DON PIATT.
WILKINS ..
JAMES S. BURDETT.
BELLE MCDONALD..
DAVID PAUL BROWNE.
HON. W. S. ANDREWS.
•
•
•
· •
TALMAGE
JO GUILD
REV. C. M. LIVINGSTON.
PAUL DENTON.
MARY M. DODGE
BEN PERLEY POORE.
GUS WILLIAMS...
MURAT HALSTEAD
CHAS. A. DANA
UNCLE REMUS.
DOUGLAS JERROLD .
- •
•
•
U •
..
·
• •
•
▸
·
•
ELLA WIIEELER..
LORD ERSKINE
MRS. SOUTHEY.
JUD. BROWNIN
JOHN BROUGHAN
W. A. C'ROFFUT..
WILL CARLETON
VON BOYLE...
J. S. P. HOLDEN…….
COMMODORE ROLINPIN.
WM. M. EVARTS..
GEN. SHERMAN
OLIVER WENDELL HOLMES.
· .
•
·
• •
CHIEF-JUSTICE CHASE.
S. S. COX
EDGAR A. POE.
•
·
•
• •
•
•
559
434
29
480
220
194
83
489
292
430
510
471
418
461
466
502
673
533
326
326
295
120
700
198
139
98
176
109
490
545
676
476
.459, 386
126, 671
263
367
448
147
•
•
•
··
·
·
··
INDEX.
HOW STAMMERING WILLIAM SANDERS WANTED FREE SPEECH.
BAILEY ON HOOPING A BARKEL
BURDETTE'S LIFE PICTURES .
SQUIRE SKAGGS AND THE "PHARAOH MEN"
ELI PERKINS' BOOK AGENT.
JOSH BILLINGS ON COURTING.
LEWIS ON MEAN MEN..
MARK TWAIN AT THE TOMB OF ADAM
MAX ADELER ON GOING TO SLEEP.
GREEK HUMOR.
BRET HARTE ON AH SIN
TIM CRANE AND WIDOW BEDOTT.
SYNOPSIS OF THE PLAY.....
MARK TWAIN AND THE INTERVIEWER.
THE KICKING MULE.
BRET HARTE'S TRAGEDY AT 4-ACE FLAT
ELI PERKINS ON PREVENTING FIRES.
ARTEMAS WARD.
M. QUAD'S DEAF WOMAN
·
THEORY VS. PRACTICE..
LEWIS' LIME KILN CLUB
•
•
HUMOR.
..
•
• •
THE NEW DODGE.
A FIFTH AVENUE EPISODE
HOW ENGLISHMEN TAKE JOKES.
BILLINGS' "PROBABILITIES"
MARK TWAIN BUYING GLOVES IN GIBRALTAR
GEORGE PECK ON HUGGING IN THE PARKS
GOOD MORNING.
MARK TWAIN ON THE FIRST WOMAN IN Nevada
ELI PERKINS' PEDOMETER.
POLITENESS
MARK TWAIN'S BABY SPEECH...
BAILEY ON “CORDING " A BEDSTEAD
•
•
•
•
•
• ·
•
•
•
PAGE
13
14
15
18
J
**22* ****** i G
20
23
24
25
27
27
29
32
35
40
42
45
46
48
49
50
51
SHI:58:188
53
54
54
56
57
60
62
63
64
66
66
INDEX.
THE STEAMBOAT RACE
THE CURIOUS YANKEE
STANLEY HUNTLEY'S "LES INCOMPREHENSIBLES
HONESTY THAT SURPRISED THE MINER..
Josu BILLINGS ON SETTING HENS
HOW IT DIFFERS FROM HUMOR
PRINTING AND PUBLISHING
DENSE POPULATION
VERY CLOSELY RELATED .
•
•
• ·
··
•
THE STINGIEST MAN IN SCHENECTADY
THE ORIGINAL PARROT STORY...
A FOOL DISCOVERS HIMSELF.
HIGHLY INdignant
GRISWOLD ON THE TRAMP
GREEK WIT AND WISDOM
DON'T PRAISE YOUR HORSE TOO SOON ..
A FRENCHMAN'S SURPRISE.
•
.
•
• •
•
PIGEON ENGLISH (CHINESE DIALECT)
CAUSE AND EFFECT.
•• •
•
CONSERVATIVE ANSWERS
ORIGIN OF NAMES
ROBBING AN EDITOR.
HOW ALLIGATORS EAT.
JENNEY JUNE SAYS
POMPOSITY SQUELCHED.
ELI PERKINS' NEW YEAR'S CALLS.
BILL DE FIRE (FRENCH DIALECT)
FOOLING A CHINAMAN
REUBENSTEIN'S PIANO-PLAYING.
•
•
A LIVE COMMERCIAL TRaveler.
HOTEL WIT......
•
•
•
•
•
• ··
WIT.
•
A MEAT-EORIC SHOWER
A VERY MODEST MAN
TOO INQUISITIVE
ELI PERKINS ON DRUNKARDS
A SHARP BARGAIN
How A MISSOURI DESPERADO SHOWED HIS GRATITUDE
NATIONAL TRAITS..
•
•
•
THE CALIFORNIA SUNDAY SCHOOL TEACHER
ARTEMAS WARD'S FORT
MODERN FABLES
11
·
·
■
•
•
•
68
73
74
78
79
80
≈ **************82*****
83
84
84
84
85
85
86
86
87
87
88
88
89
90
90
91
92
92
93
96
97
98
103
105
106
106
107
108
109
110
110
111
112
114
INDEX.
THE HARE AND THE TORTOISE
THE MERCHANT OF VENICE
FABLE OF THE VIPER AND THE FILE
AN EXTRAORDINARY WOMAN
THE LION AND THE GIRAFFE.
SLIGHTLY CONFUSED.
•
ELI PERKINS AND THE QUAKER ·
ELI PERKINS' HAPPY THOUGHTS
GRISWOLD ON THE BUZZ-Saw
SMART SAYINGS.
MARK ANTONY'S ORATION ÖVER CÆSAR.
HE PROVED IT......
ELI PERKINS' SAYINGS.
ARTEMAS WARD ON PAYING DEBTS.
ANIMATE AND INANIMATE NATURE
PRUDERY REBUKED.
MRS. PARTINGTON
WILKIN'S SERMON
HAD TO TAKE AN INTEREST
ANCIENT GREEK AND ROMAN WIT.
ELI'S DOUBTFUL COMPLIMENT
SECRETARY CHASE AND THE NOBLE YOUNG MAN FROM OHIO.
DID ANY OF YOU EVER SEE AN ELEPHANT'S SKIN
FLORA POINTED PENSIVELY.
WHY WILL YOUNG LADIES LACE SO TIGHT
MR. JACK ASTOR..
TIGHT MONEY MARKET
MARK TWAIN'S NEVADA FUNERAL-SCOTTY BRIGGS AND THE CLERGY-
MAN.
··
•
• •
FROM LAUGHTER TO TEARS
A BEAUTIFUL DEATH
..
•
ELI PERKINS' BABY STORY
IF I SHOULD DIE TO-NIGHT
HEAVEN HELP THEM.
•
•
•
·
• ·
•
•
}
PATHOS.
MRS. SOUTHEY ON THE PAUPER'S DEATH
•
"IF I HAD ONLY SPOKE HIM FAIR AT THE LAST "
THE EFFECT OF A KIND Word
KISSING MOTHER.
Searching FOR PAPA.
AN ELOQUENT REPLY.
JACK....
•
· • ·
•
•
•
·
•
•
•
• ·
•
*
•
114
114
115
115
115
116
.. 116
117
118
120
121
122
123
124
125
126
126
127
127
127
128
129
130
. 130
130
131
131
· •
·
·
•
• •
·
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
▸
•
•
131
137
137
138
133
140
141
141
142
142
144
145
145
INDEX.
POE'S ANNABEL LEE
ELI'S BABY STORY
M. QUAD'S PATHOS
A TEXAN'S REVENGE
AN OLD, OLD STORY
BLEST THEY WHO SEEK
LOST CHILDREN IN NEW YORK...
GEORGE ALFRED TOWNSEND'S STORY.
ELI PERKINS' HERO....
BEECHER AND MOODY ON CHILDREN
GOUGH'S DRUGGIST STORY....
..
•
▸
•
•
d +
•
BURDETTE ON THE LIFE OF MAN.
TRUTH STRANGER THAN FICTION
THE WIT OF TRUTH.
HOW A STARtling Truth WILL PROVOKE LAUGHTER.
THE WIT OF TRUTH
HOW A GREEK BOASTER WAS SQUELCHED BY THE TRUTH.
JOSH BILLINGS' WITTY WISDOM.
•
··
• +
•
·
THE TWO VIRTUES A FABLE AND A P-M
THE TRUTH ALL AROUND
UNCLE CONSIDER'S TRUTHFUL REMARKS.
TRUE SAYINGS.
LAUGHTER
JOHN BROUGHAM ON GAMBLING
ON WHIPPING CHILDREN.
GOD MADE US TO LAUGH .
STANLEY HUNTLEY'S STORY OF AFFECTION
► ❤
•
•
..
•
•
·
WIT OF EXAGGERATION
WONDERFUL STORIES AND AWFUL EXAGGERATIONS
BARON MUNCHAUSEN'S BEST STORIES.
Salvanus Cobb, Jr., on Long RANGE SHOOTING.
BURDETTE ON THE MISSOURI RIVER.
GEORGE WASHINGTON..
ELI PERKINS ON POTATO BUGS.
HOW THE YANKEE AMAZED THEM.
ADELER ON WONDERFUL SHOOTING.
CRISWELL'S WONDERFUL CLOCK.
THE TRUTHFUL PILOT .
་
· • •
·· •
•
•
•
. 167
167
168
169
169
171
172
172
.174
174
175
176
176
177
177
..
•
•
•
147
147
148
150
151
153
154
159
162
165
166
•
179
179
181
182
183
183
185
186
188
190
INDEX.
HOW WILD BILL TALKED TO THE QUAKER INDIAN COMMISSIONER
IDAHO MEANNESS.
ELI PERKINS' LAZY MAN.
A TRUTHFUL TRIO
IRISH EXAGGERATION
YANKEE EXAGGERATION
LORD ERSKINE ON LYING.
THE TRUTHFUL EDITOR
HEREDITARY LIAR...
•
•
4
ALEX SWEET ON RAPID TRANSIT
QUEER ANSWERS......
LINCOLN'S EXAGGERATION
THE COLORADO LIAR
LYING-UNDER A MISTAKE
ELI PERKINS ON MEAN MEN.
ELI PERKINS ON LARGE FEET
WICKED KAlamazoo
BILL NYE CONDEMNS LIARS.
A. MINER GRISWOLD'S STORY
A TRUTHFUL BOY
FAMOUS WINDSTORMS
VERY WINDY
•
•
•
•
• •
•
• •
·
•
•
•
• •
LARGE BUGS.
GEN. BUTLER ON THREE GREAT LIARS.
AN OFFICER OF THE WEATHER BUREAU IN TOPEKA
THE TEXAS COWBOY
R. S. CRISWELL'S STORY.
THE WAY TO DENY A LYING RUMOR
• •
•
HOW SATIRE DIFFERS FROM HUMOR
SATIRE AND RIDICULE IN THE BIBLE.
SATIRE ON MODERN CHURCH MUSIC.
SATIRIZING DARWIN
SATIRE AND RIDICULE.
•
•
•
KYLE'S SATIRE ON THE DUDE.
M. QUAD'S SATIRE ON FOREIGN CHARITY.
SATIRIZING THE MANAGING BOSTON GIRL.
SATIRE ON THE CRITIC.
ELI PERKINS SATIRIZES THE Shoddy Saratoga GirL
GRISWOLD SATIRIZES THE DISHONEST BUSINESS MAN
LEWIS' SATIRE ON THE PATRIOTIC POLITICIAN.
A LITTLE SARCASTIC.
SATIRE ON THE COMMERCIAL TRAVELER
• •
•
•
•
...??????
• •
P
..
•
•
1. *
•
• · •
•
•
•
•
• •
•
•
192
193
194
194
197
· 198
198
199
199
199
200
201
202
203
203
205
206
207
207
208
208
209
210
212
212
213
214
216
217
217
218
219
220
223
224
224
226
227
229
230
230
52
INDEX.
SATIRE ON HIRING SERVANTS IN NEW YORK...
EUGENE FIELD SATIRIZES RAILROAD SWINDLERS
SATIRE ON THE ANCIENT FABLES
SATIRE ON THE OLD WORLD'S RUINS.
BURDETTE'S SATIRE ON THE HOME" IN WEEKLY NEWSPAPERS
แ
LEWIS' SATIRE ON DIVORCE LAW
SATIRE ON THE GROWTH OF ARISTOCRACY
+
SATIRICAL Banking RULES.
ELI ON THE BEAR.
•
•
..
LEWIS' AMERICAN FABLES
ELI PERKINS' SATIRE ON THE OLD-TIME KENTUCKY GENTLEMAN.
WHITE'S SATIRE ON MODERN LOVE STORIES.
THE HONEST BOOK AGENT.
ELI PERKINS' DUDES
THE POOR DUDE
SAD REFLECTIONS.
ELI PERKINS' RICH DUDE.
RULES FOR MAKING RICH Dudes.
19 AND 26.....
•
•
•
•
• 4 •
►
..
• •
MANY LAUGH-PROVOKING EXAMPLES..
ALEX STEVENS' REPARTEE.
OSCAR WILDE DEMOLISHED
GEN. CAREY WORSTED
VERY GENTLE REPARTEE
SCOTCH REPARTEE
WHAT IS REPARTEE?.
WHICH BLUNDERED?
•
· • ·
▸
•
RIDICULE.
SATIRICAL ADVICE ON ETIQUETTE .
RIDICULING THE SWELL SOLDIERS
ELI PERKINS RIDICULING THE "SHODDYITES" WHO WEAR BIG DIA-
MONDS...
REPARTEE.
•
•
SHOPFING BLUNDERS.
SERVANTS' Blunders
MRS. PARTINGTON'S BLUNDERS
•
•
•
•
·
•
232
233
233
234
235
237
238
240
241
242
242
243
244
246
246
247
248
248
251
257
258
259
261
262
262
263
263
263
263
267
BULLS BLUNDERS AND PARADOX.
266
266
270
INDEX.
BLIND AS A BAT.
THE DEAF MAN.
CHARLEY BEnder's Blunder.
BLUNDERS IN NEWSPAPERS..
BLUNDERS IN PUNCTUATION.....
ELI PERKINS' AMERICAN BLUNDERS
THE PARADOX.
•
THE IRISH HACK DRIVER
TAKING IT EASY...
AN IRISHMAN'S WILL
THE IRISH LETTER.
Natural Blunder.
IRISH BULLS AND BLUNDERS.
•
•
How GIRLS STUDY.
ROUND OR FLAT.....
CHILD PHILOSOPHY
•
→
SCHOOL, COTTAGE, TEACHER AND PUPIL.
GERMAN STUDENT POMPOSITY..
SCHOLASTIC WIT.
· •
•
•
A COLLEGIAN'S UNBELIEF CURED...
ELI PERKINS ON DR. MCCOSH'S IMPRESSIONS
A BRIGHT STUDENT
A CLASS JOKE THAT KICKED BACK
A WASTED EDUCATION.
•
•
•
•
•
PRACTICE VS. THEORETICAL Knowledge.
EFFECT OF ONE TERM IN COLLEGE.
THE EFFECT OF EDUCATION..
A SMART STUDENT.
HORSTILITY
•
•
··
*
•
BLUNDERING INTO THE TRUTH
WHAT AILED THE SCHOOLMASTER
A PLEA FOR PRECISE ADJECTIVES AND ADVERBS
TEACHING A BOY TO BE STUDIOUS AND THOUGHTFUL
LIPO CONJUGATED
REX FUGIT.
• •
• • 4
•
POPULAR ERRORS ABOUT WIT, HUMOR And Laughter.
•
• ·
•
271
271
272
272
273
273
275
278
279
280
282
287
288
288
288
289
290
291
291
292
294
294
295
295
296
297
297
297
298
298
301
303
303
304
4
INDEX.
tot
CLERICAL WIT AND HUMOR.
WIT OF DIVINES AND CHURCHMEN.
CARDINAL MCCLOSKY WANTS INFORMATION.
NEVER GET EXCITED.
THE SABBATH-SCHOOL LESSON..
DIDN'T WANT TO COOL OFF THE MEETING
THE DEVIL HE..
·
WHISPERING ANGELS
·
SPECIAL PRAYER...
BETTER THAN NOTHING
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
THE COLORED PREACHER'S LOGIC...
ELI PERKINS TELLS HOW THEY SWINDLED A POOR CLERGYMAN
THE UNBELIEVERS IN INDIANA.
HE FOUND THE WICKED MAN
VERY TRUTHFUL
THE DARKEY'S HELL
I VASHI SO GLAD I VASH HERE.
A NOVEL VIEW OF ADAM'S FALL.
HE WAS NOT SURPRISED.
MR. MOODY'S REALISTIC SERMON.
LEAVING THE DANCE TO PRAY
SPECIAL PRAYER..
• •
•
•
•
▸
•
་
• •
• ✔
•
AN EARNEST RESPONSE
WE SHALL MEET AGAIN
FORGIVING THE PRIEST.
A STRONG ILLUSTRATION
COLD OR HOT.....
BURDETTE AND THE RELIGIOUS BRAKESMAN
THE MINISTER JOKES HIS WIFE.
A STINGY CONGREGATION..
ELI PERKINS ON SPECIAL PRAYERS
WANTED TO FLY TO HEAVEN
CONDITIONAL PIETY
•
•
D
⚫ •
· ·
THE HARP OF A THOUSAND STRINGS
ELI PERKINS' SERMON
• ·
•
•
UNCLE HENRY'S CREDITORS.
THE ORIGINAL COLLECTION STORY.
BIBLE KNOWLEDGE IN MAUCH CHUNK
CARRIE, LET JIM SEAL THAT Vow..
THEOLOGY MUSN'T BE QUESTIONED
DISTURBED IN PRAYER
· ☛ •
• · D •
▸ ·
AUNT CHLOIE AND THE CLERGYMAN
WICKED KALAMAZOO
THE PARSON, THE CRANE AND THE FISH,
• ·
•
I •
•
·
•
D
•
•
·
•
·
·
•
•
•
• •
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
*
•
•
•
307
307
307
308
308
309
310
310
310
311
312
315
315
316
317
317
319
320
322
323
324
325
325
225
326
326
327
330
331
331
332
333
333
335
338
339
340
341
341
342
342
342
343
INDEX.
!
N, TIME TO BE SOLEMN
How FARROL USED SCRIPTURE.
A DELICATE CONSCIENCE.
THE CLERICAL CALL
NOT LOOKING FOR SAL-VATION
ON THE WRONG ROAD TO HEAVEN
A VERY CLEAR TEXT.
A FUNNY MISTAKE
THE TRINITY ILLUSTRATED
BETTER ACQUAINTED WID DE Lord
NEW YORK RELIGION..
DISLIKED NEW ACQUAINTANCES.
• • •
•
❤
OL NIGGER DICKSON
THE SABBATH SCHOOL LESSON..
•
•
• ·
..
HOW HE SQUELCHED THE METHODISTS.
WIDOW MALONEY'S PIG..
A PROTESTANT COW..
THE PARABLE OF THE VIRGINS.
A NICE, AISY JOB..
A WHOLE SERMON..
FOR THE BENEFIT OF THE POOR
WILLING TO ASSIST.
♪ •
BUSY WITH CLERICAL DUTIES.
A GHOST STORY .
WHAT THE JEW THINKS ABOUT JERUSALEM
HE WASN'T READY.
THE FORCE OF PREJUDICE
THE DEAN OF GALSFORD
HOW BROTHER BROOKS SWORE.
•
• •
• • ·
•
• •
• • • D
•
• •
•
•
•
SIMPLE FAITH..
WHAT CONSTITUTES A GOOD SERMON
A GOOD SERMON
•
•
• •
•
•
CHIEF JUSTICE CHASE AND THE NEGRO.
A FREEHOLDER IN MISSISSIPPI.
THE MAN WITH LIFE IN HIM.
SCIENCE WITH A "Y"...
THE WITNESS WHO ANSWERED AS THE LAWYERS ASKED
RUFUS CHOATE OUTWITTED.
BANTERING LAWYERS
•
•
LAWYERS' WIT AND HUMOR.
WIT AND HUMOR OF LAWYERS, Judges, Jurors and WITNESSES
A LAWYER'S HEART
+
• ·
•
• •
·
•
•
•
•
· •
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
344
345
346
347
348
348
349
349
350
351
351
352
352
353
353
354
354
355
356
357
357
358
358
359
359
360
361
361
361
362
365
365
366
366
367
367
368
368
368
370
371
❤
INDEX.
CURRAN'S WIG
LAW AND MEDICINE
A SMART LAWYER AND A STUPID JUDGE
LAUGHED OUT OF COURT...
A STUBBORN JURY
AN INGENIOUS CLIENT
ORATORY ON A JURY
MORE BEAR THAN LAW
TRUTII AND VERACITY
HE CHALLENGED THE JUDGE
A THICK-HEADED WITNESS
WHICH END.
A QUEER LAW FIRM
A PRECISE ANSWER..
•
· •
•
•
•
•
·
•
THE INTELLIGENT JUROR .
•
WHY ELI PERKINS LEFT THE LAW AND BECAME A JOURNALIST.
A PRECISE ANSWER.
GRAVE WIT...
JUDICIAL IGNORANCE.
A JURY OF HIS PEERS
A MILWAUKEE LAWYER WHO KNEW SOMETHING
•
•
•
··
•
·
HARD ON LAWYERS.
A CONTINGENT FEE.
PROFESSIONAL VERACITY
THE YOUNG LAWYER IN SOCIETY AND IN LOVE
AN EXACT WITNESS
COMMENCED WORK VERY Young..
•
GEN. BUTLER'S HARD WITNESS
ANSWERED CORRECTLY.
THE EFFECT OF A STRONG PLEA.
PROOF POSITIVE
•
•
• •
•
A SMART WITNESS.
VALUE OF A ST. LOUIS CHARACTER.
DEBTS OF HONOR..
ABSENT-MINDEDNESS
WHAT NEXT?......
SMARTER THAN HE LOOKED
A SHARP DIALOGUE.
INTELLIGENT JUROR.
•
THE ABSENT-MINDED LAWYER.
EXAMINATION OF LAWYERS.
JUDGE SHAY.
HE WAS A GOOD MAN.
ROUGH ON TIIE LAWYER.
LEWIS ON LAWYERS.
•
•
•
• •
•
•
371
372
372
373
375
376
376
378
379
379
379
380
380
381
381
382
382
383
383
383
385
385
386
387
387
389
391
391
392
392
393
393
394
394
395
395
395
396
397
398
399
400
400
401
402
INDEX.
A LEADVILLE CORONER'S JURY.
NEGRO IDEA OF JUSTICE..
CARRYING A JOKE TOO FAR
HE WOULDN'T BUMP.
THE PERJURER .
THE OLD SPOON'S STORY
TOO MUCH ALIBI..
BRADY AND THE COBBLER
A GOOD EXCUSE...
PRECISE WORDS
HOG AND BACON
LAWYERS' MODEST FEES.
•
YOU WON'T STRIKE A MAN WHEN HE'S DOWN
ROUGH ON BLACKSTONE
SALUTING THE JURY
MIXED GRAMMAR.
E. PERKINS-ATTORNEY-AT-Law .
NATURALIZATION COURT SCENES.
ELI PERKINS ON THAD STEVENS.
• •
·
JO GUILD'S SPEECH
AN EFFECTIVE SPEAKER.
..
·
•
•
THE STATE IS DRUNK...
A FELLOW-FEELING ON THE PART OF THE JUDGE.
THE LAWYER USED UP
WOULD RATHER BE AN Ass.
CURRAN'S WIT
A FAMOUS GALAXY.
A HARD WITNESS
THE CHINESE UNDER THE CODE.
•
EXPOSING A QUACK….
EARLY STAGES OF CONSUMPTION.
AN ARKANSAS SICK MAN..
DISSECTION IN A MEAT MARKET.
FUN AND PATHOS OF THE PROFESSION.
HOW PAT'S LIFE WAS SAVED...
THE DOCTOR LOST FAITH IN DANIEL WEBSTER
THE DOCTOR WHO KNOWS IT ALL.
HE BLED THE PATIENT.
THE OLD DOCTOR.
BOB TOMBS, ALEX. STEPHENS AND PETER.
HOW AN IRISHMAN CORNERED A DOCTOR.
•
DOCTORS, WIT AND HUMOR.
•
•
•
•
O
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
403
403
403
404
405
405
406
407
407
408
408
409
411
422
413
414
415
415
415
410
416
417
418
418
418.
420
421
422
422
425
425
425
426
227
427
528
429
430
42¹
id
432
INDEX
A CURIOUS PRESCRIPTION.
HOW A BOSTON GIRL PROPOSED
DR. PHLEBOTOMY.
ATTACKED BY PURTINITIST.
• •
•
• ►
THE DOCTOR.
A CAUTIOUS DOCTOR
A BOY WHO OPPOSED MEDICAL SCIENCE
•
• •
JOKES AND ANECDOTES OF THE CAMPAIGN
POLITICAL DOGS...
GEORGE W. CURTIS' AWFUL ANTI-CLIMAX.
CAMPAIGNING IN KENTUCKY.
POLITICALLY DISGRACED
•
•
•
POLITICAL WIT.
► •
•
•
•
HOW THE FINANCIAL QUESTION COMES UP.
IGNORANT WOMEN...
HOW THE CANDIDATE DECLINES.
CALLING FOR HENRY.
VERY POLITICAL.
ELI PERKINS IN A POLITICAL SPEECH
ORATORICAL INTERRUPTIONS
CARTER H. HARRISON'S SPREAD-EAGLEISM
THE IRISHMAN IN POLITICS
THE CURRENCY QUESTION..
ELI PERKINS ON CONGRESSIONAL WIT.
THE LAZIEST MAN ON EARTH..
ARISTIPPUS THE GREEK POLITICIAN.
TOM MARSHALL'S WIT
BREAKING UP A SPEAKER.
HE HATED PENNSYLVANIA
OFFICIAL INFORMATION
DISSOLVING THE UNION.
PROCTOR KNOTT'S DULUTH SPEECH
QUAINT SPEECHES
•
•
..
•
་
•
• •
•
•
•
•
•
•
•
TEMPERANCE ANECDOTES,
•
TEMPERANCE LECTURES, WIT, HUMOR, WISDOM AND PATHOS .
JOHN JONES' MONUMENT
HOW A DRUNKARD SEES THINGS
THE SAFEST WAY
HOW SHE CURED HER HUSBAND OF Drinking
•
•
•
•
•
··
•
•
•
432
433
434
435
435
436
437
439
439
440
440
442
442
442
443
444
444
445
445
446
447
448
448
449
450
451
451
452
453
454
454
459
461
401
462
463
465
INDEX.
•
GOD'S LIQUOR....
GRISWOLD GROWS ELOQUENT
TEMPERANCE IN THE FAMILY.
INGERSOLL ON RUM
TALMADGE ON TEMPERANCE
·
THE MONEY WASTED IN DRINK..
JOHN B. GOUGH'S BURST BUBBLE LECTURE
COMMODORE ROLLINPIN'S EXPERIENCE.
DELIRIUM TREMENS.
•
•
A TEMPERANCE CRUSADE INCIDENT.
NASBY ON TEMPERANCE .
BURDETTE'S TEMPERANCE LECTURE
ALF. BURNETT'S DRUNKEN SOLILOQUY
BURDETTE ON THE SWILLER.
CONSCIENTIOUS OBJECTIONS
Bargaining WITH A PUMP
• •
• •
• •
•
•
→
•
•
BULLS, BLUNDERS AND SMART SAYINGS.
AMERICA A LARGE COUNTRY
PAT IN A QUAKER MEETING.
HE HAD THE LAUGH FIRST.
A GOOD IDEA
THE DREAM STORY
JAMES S. BURDETTE'S IRISHMAN'S PANORAMA
WILL CARLETON'S LIGHTNING-ROD AGENT
FRAZING THE BASTE
MOSQUITO WITH A LANTERN.
NO SIXPENCE IN IRELAND.
A NEGATIVE TESTIMONY.
SUNSET GUN ...
HARD WORK TO COUNT THEM
TWENTY MOILES APIECE
AN IRISHMAN'S WIT.
THE VIRGIN FOREST...
THE IRISHMAN IN COURT.
AS INNOCENT AS A SUCKIN' BABF.
AN IRISHMAN'S PLEA
A "WARING BULL "
HE WAS NOT BIGOTED -
THE IRISH PHILOSOPHER
MIŠ MALONY ON THE CHINESE QUESTION
• ·
,
IRISH WIT.
•
•
=
•
•
• •
•
·
1 7
•
•
•
· •
•
•
*
•
•
• •
·
•
•
• •
•
•
*
•
466
467
468
470
471
473
473
476
477
478
478
479
480
482
483
484
486
486
486
487
488
488
489
490
494
494
494
495
495
495
496
497
497
498
498
499
499
500
500
502
+
INDEX.
ANECDOTES-DIALECT AND FUN...
ELI PERKINS ON THE RICHMOND DARKEY.
THE POULTRY TRADE IN ARKANSAS.
ALEX SWEET.
A DUTIFUL DAUGHTER
HE KNEW THE NATURE OF AN OATH.
HE WASN'T AFRAID
AN ACCOMMODATING SERVANT
•
•
·
•
NEGRO WIT.
•
► *
LIBEL SUIT THREATENED.
NEGRO GRAMMAR..
HON. W. S. ANDREW'S NEGRO PHILOSOPHER.
ALEX SWEET ON NEGRO HONESTY
APPEARANCES DECEIVING.
•
GOING IN CAHOOт....
STOP DEM PUSSONALITIES
NO SOCIAL EQUALITY FOR HER.
NO MISSISSIPPI FOR HIM
THE ONGODLIEST MULE
JASPER'S PHILOSOPHY.
A COLORED DEBATING SOCIETY.
A DARKEY JUSTICE'S CURIOUS DECISION.
CHANGING HIS NAME......
DIDN'T WANT TO KNOW HIM.
YOU LOOKS JES LIKE HIM
..
►
•
•
QUAINT ANECDOTES AND BLUNDERS.
DUTCH BLUNDERS.....
"I LOFE AN HONEST POY"
DUTCH ENGLISH.
DUTCH IDEA OF INSURANCE
LEWIS DEFENDS THE FLIES
A LUCID DIRECTION
"DON' I TOLE YOU SO?".
NOT FOR JOSEPH
Two GOOD WAYS.
HE WANTED HIS HELTS INSURED.
DER GANDIDATE.
ELI PERKINS' DUTCHMAN.
WILL VISCHEE'S DUTCH STORY.
• •
•
• •
• •
·
•
• •
• •
•
DUTCH WIT.
•
•
7
•
•
• •
..
I
500
506
507
507
508
508
508
509
509
510
510
512
513
513
514
515
515
516
517
518
520
521
523
524
521
525
527
528
528
529
531
531
532
533
533
534
534
535
INDEX.
DIDN'T WANT TO KILL HIS BROTHER.
DOT LAMBS VOT MARY HAF GOT
DUTCH INDIFFERENCE.
THE DUTCH WITNESS
DYIN' VORDS OF ISAAC..
HOW SOCKERY SOT A HEN..
RUBE HOFFENSTEIN'S COURTSHIP.
"DOT SCHMALL LEETLE BABY"
"DOT LEEDLE LOWEEZA”
A DUTCH NOTICE....
VOS BENDER HENSHPECKED?
• •
•
•
•
DOMESTIC JOKES AND ANECDOTES.
ELI PERKINS' YOUNG HOUSEKEEPER.
THE WOMAN'S IDEA OF IT.
WIFE! WIFE!.....
HOW A WOMAN DOES BUSINESS
A WOMAN'S LETTER
SHE FINDS A GENTLE HORSE.
DU TELL
THE OLD New Bedford WOMAN
BREAKFAST AT HOME
SHE FELT LONESOME.
SARATOGA SPRING FASHIONS
NOT QUITE HARMONIOUS
AN EXTRAORDINARY WOMAN
FANNY FERN'S TRIBULATIONS
EVERY DAY DOMESTIC SCENES
THE ONLY WOMAN IN CAMP..
STANLEY HUNTLEY ON THE NEW BABY
THE WOMAN BARBERESS
WOMEN'S WIT AND PATHOS.
•
→
•
• • •
•
•
•
•
•
•
• ·
•
•
•
•
•
• P
CHILDREN'S WIT AND BLUNDERS,
WISDOM, WIT AND PATHOS.
ELI'S BABY STORY.
OUR GRANDMOTHER.
WOMAN'S SHREWDNESS.
THREE DISTINGUISHED FEMALES
THE CHILD'S IDEA OF GOD.
•
•
•
536
537
537
538
539
540
54]
543
544
544
545
•
54?
547
548
548
549
550
551
552
553
554
555
556
557
558
559
560
561
564
567
569
569
570
570
571
572
ÍNDEX.
BAD EFFECTS FROM CARD PLAYING.
CHILDISH SIMPLICITY
A NEW BUSINESS
EXCUSE FOR BEING GOOD.
WHAT FRIGHTENED HER
CHILDREN'S CARES.
HIS LIP SLIPPED
SWEET SIMPLICITY
CHILDREN'S LOGIC.
ETHEL'S CHOICE.
WILKIN'S BABY STORY
A BOSTON GIRL
• •
•
•
•
•
4 •
•
• •
··
•
•
IGNORANT TEACHERS.
WHY, ABBY, WHY?
OF COURSE NOT
THE SAME STORY BY ANOTHER WRITER.
BOUND TO TELL
·
· • •
•
●•
·
THE SMELL ACCOUNTED FOR..
TOUCHING GRANDMA'S HEART
BEECHER'S TOMMY TAFT.
CHILDREN HALF PRICE.
AMBITIOUS CHILDREN
A RETENTIVE MEMORY.
CHILDREN'S COMPOSITIONS
NOT FIT TO BE KISSED
DON'T CHECK THE BOYS
CHILDISH SIMPLICITY
THE BAD MILWAUKEE BOY..
MARK TWAIN ON THE FIRST SAN FRANCISCO BABY
•
•
• •
•
❤ ❤
• •
• •
*
JOHNNIE'S ARITHMETIC.
SYMPATHY
PLAYING CARS
MARK TWAIN'S BAD LITTLE BOY..
MARK TWAIN'S GOOD LITTLE BOY.
A VERY BAD BOY.
•
W
•
•
THAT FRECKLE-FACED GIRL..
LITTLE ETHEL'S CROSS-EXAMINATION
How JOHNNY BROKE THE NEWS
JOHNNY'S STORY. . . . . . .
THE KIND OF LITTLE BOYS WHO GO TO HEAVEN
BABY IS DEad
•
►
GRANDPA'S EXPERIENCE WITH HIS PET..
ONCE MORE THE BOY IS AHEAD.
•
• •
D
·
•
·
578
574
574
574
575
575
576
576
576
577
577
578
578
580
580
580
581
581
582
582
586
586
588
588
589
590
590
591
592
592
593
594
594
598
603
606
608
610
610
611
612
613
614
INDEX.
RAILROAD ANECDOTES AND
JOKES ON THE TRAINS.
STANLEY HUNTLEY'S SLOW TRAIN
BURDETTE ON THE TRAIN
ANXIOUS TO RIDE..
ELI PERKINS ON CHILDREN
SHE MISUNDERSTOOD..
RAILROAD ACCIDENT.
LAND AND WATER TRAVELING
SLOW TRAIN
•
•
• •
•
..
• ·
LEWIS ON THE MIXED TRAIN
ELI PERKINS ON THE ELEVATED RAILROAD.
•
• •
IMPORTANT RAILROAD INFORMATION..
A HARD TOWN TO REMEMBER.
MEALS ON THE U. P
VERY FAST RAILROADING
THE KIND OLD CONDUCTOR..
CHEAP FREIGHT...
•
• ·
•
VERY DANGEROUS
UNCLE WILLIAM IN BATTLE
ELI PERKINS AND IOWA RAILROADS
ELI PERKINS ON EARLY RAILROADING IN KANSAS
•
•
·
DRAMATIC WIT.
ACTORS' WIT AND HUMOR.
ELI PERKINS' HINGLISHMAN.
MACREADY AND THE "SUPER"
GRISWOLD'S MR. AND MRS. MACBETH
•
•
MILITARY JOKES AND WIT,
• •
ANECDOTES AND INCIDENTS
BRAVERY OF TIM MCGOWAN..
THE WRONG BOY IN THE ARMY.
ELI PERKINS' BIG CANNON.
GENERAL LEE AND THE NEWSPAPER GENERALS
DISTINGUISHED SOUTH CAROLINIANS.
·
•
NAPOLEON FOUR TIMES OVER THE ALPS.
Indiana STRATEGY
•
•
·
•
→ •
•
•
616
616
616
617
617
620
620
620
621
621
622
624
625
626
626
628
629
630
633
633
635
636
630
639
639
640
640
641
642
642
643
644
K
72
INDEX.
FARRAGUT AND THE IRISHMAN
SACRIFICING HIMSELF FOR HIS COUNTRY
•
PAT AND GENERAL BURNSIDE .
SELF-POSSESSION.
• •
HOW CORNWALLIS SURRENDERED.
ELI PERKINS' BULL RUN STORY.
BEN BUTLER AND HORACE GREELEY.
THE CHAPLAIN'S PARABLE ON THE BAPTISTS.
MIKE'S OPINION OF THE ARMY SURGEON
DE PEN OR DE SWORD....
HARD TIMES ON THE BORDER
ELI FIGHTS IRELAND'S BATTLES
WHERE WARREN FELL..
THE IRISHMAN ON GUARD .
•
.
•
• ·
• a
GREAT MEN, ANECDOTES OF,
GREELEY DEFEATED BY POLITENESS
RANDOLPH AND CLAY...
RANDOLPH MATCHED
DANIEL WEBSTER'S BIRD STORY.
WILLIAM PENN AND THE Drunkard,
A STORY OF WEBSTER AND Choate.
ARISTIPPUS, THE GREEK WIT....
COLONEL FISK AS BARON MUNCHAUSEN
DANIEL WEBSTER AND THE FARMER .
•
•
•
• •
GENERAL BUTLER'S JOKE.
WHERE GENERAL GRANT LEARNED STRATEGY.
·
How W. M. EVARTS AND DAVID DAVIS RAN A RACE
A VERY BRIGHT GIRL.
BEN WADE'S WIT
FENIMORE COOPER'S GOOD, HONEST WINE.
HOW PRESIDENT GREVY Got Good CoffEE
THAD STEVENS' CUNNING...
ELI PERKINS ON FISK AND GOULD AND DREW
GRAVEYARD FENCE.
FISK'S LAST JOKE..
..
• •
·
MISERABLE FISK
• •
GENERAL SHERMAN AND CARL SCHURZ .
ALEXANDER H. STEPHENS
STEPHEN A. DOUGLAS AND BEVERLY TUCKER.
ARISTIPPUS, THE GREEK WIT....
DR. FRANKLIN TURNING THE GRINDSTONE.
ELI ON BEN BUTLER.....
ANECDOTE OF CHEIF JUSTICE WAITE.
ANECDOTE OF GENERAL NYE...
•
•
• •
•
·
•
• • •
··
•
··
▸
•
.
•
•
644
645
645
646
647
649
649
649
650
651
651
653
654
654
656
657
657
658
659
659
660
661
662
663
664
664
665
. 666
•
666
666
667
668
670
670
671
671
672
678
674
675
676
676
677
INDEX.
773
•
ANECDOTES OF ABERNETHY
GOVERNOR STEPHEN'S FIRST AND ONLY Love…
DANIEL DREW AND THE FARMERS
A SCOTCH ANECDOTE OF GLADSTONE..
ANECDOTE OF GUSTAVE DORÉ
SHERIDAN'S READY WIT.
FUNNY LOVE STORIES,
SATIRICAL AND ABSURD ROMANCES
A SHORT COURTSHIP
•
BRET HARTE'S LOVE STORY.
A. MINER GRISWOLD'S LOVE STORY.
HOW SHE WON A HUSBAND
WHY HE DISCARDED HER..
A NEVADA GIRL'S LOVE LETTER.
WHITE'S LOVE STORY ..
ARTEMAS WARD'S ROMANCE
ELI PERKINS' LOVE STORY...
A VERY WARM LOVE STORY
ELLA WHEELER'S. LOVE STORY
A SARATOGA LOVE STORY
NASBY'S LOVE STORY..
JAMES RUSSELL Lowell's LOVE STORY.
•
•
CHARADES
RIDDLE OR ENIGMA...
ALEX. SWEET'S LOVE STORY
WHITE ON THE HARDHEARTED FATHER.
•
•
•
PUNS AND CONUNDRUMS.
• •
250 PUNS AND CONUNDRUMS
PUNS...
DEFORMED CONUNDRUMS
CURIOUS CONUNDRUMS
ACTING PUNS-FOR HOME AND CHURCH AMUSEMENT
BIBLICAL CONUNDRUMS...
•
MATHEMATICAL PUZZLES.
HOW DID SHE MANAGE TO DO IT......
•
·
678
680
681
. 682
682
683
CHARADES, RIDDLE OR ENIGMA
AND PUZZLES.
685
685
685
687
688
690
690
690
692
695
699
700
701
702
703
704
706
. 703
718
721
721
721
723
724
728
737
741
774
INDEX.
1
JOKES, TRICKS AND MAGIC.
CONJURORS' JOKES.
THE CLASPED HANDS JOKE.
MAGIC CIRCLE JOKE..
AN AMUSING JOKE FOR THE DRAWING-ROOM.
THE VISIBLE, INVISIBLE JOKE
THE WATER JOKE.
THE SODIUM VOLCANO
HOW TO SET ICE ON FIRE.
HOW TO LIGHT A CANDLE WITH AN ICICLE.
HOW TO CUT GLASS WITH A STRING...
CANDLE LIGHTED BY A GHOST..
• •
•
..
TO BURN A LETTER IN A PERSON'S HAND
THE CELEBRATED MAGIC-BOTTLE TRICK
TO PUT AN EGG IN A BOTTLE OR CARAFFE.
BOILING WATER IN A PAPER BOX.
MELTING TIN ON A CARD...
CHANGING FLOWERS FROM RED TO GREEN.
CHANGING THE COLOR OF THE ROSE
TO MELT STEEL AS EASILY AS LEAD
TO MAKE FIREPROOF PAPER..
THE THREE SPECTRAL WAFERS
TO MESMERIZE A ROOSTER.
MIRACULOUS LIFTING.
TO BRING A DEAD FLY TO LIFE.
A JUMPING Egg......
A LAMP THAT WILL BURN A YEAR
INSTANTANEOUS CRYSTALLIZATIONS
HANDS AND FACE BECOME BLACK BY WASHING
..
•
•
•
··
··
•
·
•
•
743
743
743
744
744
745
745
746
746
746
747
747
747
748
748
749
749
749
749
750
750
750
750
751
751
751
751
752


ܘܐܠ
S
FESTA ANA
810.16
1236h
ESEMA KANGA DRAINAGE pay rate p
on for you out to confte
LAK" AWFIS
NOV 26 1962
ŀ

UNIVERSITY OF MINNESOTA
wils
810.16 L236h
Landon, Melville D. (Melville De Lancey)
Hot stuff by famous funny men: comprisi
3 1951 002 081 137 H