2000
JOKES AND JESTS.

THE LIBRARY
OF
THE
REGENTS
UNIVERSITY
(WMNƆNIA INAWWOJ
OMNIBUS
AKTIBUS
&
OF
MINNESOTA
808.7
T93
SEP 5
1961
STANDARD (NO. 23) LIBRARY.···

2.000
JOKES AND JESTS.
TO
WIT, HUMOR AND ANECDOTE,
Native and Foreign, Classic and Otherwise.
Let those laugh now who never laughed before,
And those who always laughed, now laugh the more.
OHICAGO:
RHODES & McCLURE PUBLISHING CO.
1893.
Issued Monthly April 1, 1888. Subscription $4 per year. Entered at Chicago Postoffice as Second-Class Matter,
808.7
T93.
PREFACE.
"BREVITY," says the Poet, "is the soul of wit;" and the corpo-
real part should be the image of the incorporeal. Wit, it is agreed
on all hands, should never "pull a long face;" and therefore its
pre-face ought to be short. For, though we are told, on high au-
thority, that," in the multitude of counsellors there is wisdom,"
it is certain that, in the multitude of words there is not wit.
Let it suffice, then, to say that we have endeavored to collect
into this volume, from all sorts of sources-native and foreign,
ancient and modern, classic and otherwise-as many smart sayings
and witty anecdotes as we could discover in the course of much
hard and various reading. And we hope that the collection, incom_
plete as it must necessarily be (considering that the world is very
wise, and that wit is only compressed wisdom), will be accepted as
no unpleasant contribution to the efforts made to amuse the leisure
of a busy public, for whom time is too short to admit even of pro-
longed mirthfulness. One laugh for each joke, repeated as often
as it is read, will secure health to the laughter, and immortality for
our Book of Wit and Humor. But, as it is just possible that some
readers will not be in the humor thus to recognize the worth of our
labors, we throw ourselves upon the justice of those critics who
direct the public taste-from whom, though they have a reputation
for severity, and are scandalously alleged to be impervious to a
joke, we expect favorable judgment, and an imperative command
in this wise:
Let those laugh now who never laughed before,
And those who always laughed, now laugh the more.
1
INDEX TO AUTHORITIES AND PERSONS
PROMINENTLY MENTIONED.
A
D
ABINGER, Lord, 315.
Alexander the Great, 192, 247.
Alfieri, 127.
Alphonso of Arragon, 68, 181.
Anarcharsis, 134.
Angelo, Michael, 73, 249.
Antagoras, 85.
Antigonus, 102.
Arnold, Sophie, 178.
Ariosto, 89.
Aristotle, 14, 124.
Aurungzeb, 84.
BALUZE, M., 93.
B
Barrow, Dr. Isaac, 310.
Bayle, M., 129.
Beaumarchais, 116.
Beecher, Rev. Henry Ward, 90.
Belloy, Cardinal, 59.
Benedict XIV., 52.
Boileau, 117, 158, 190, 219, 227, 275.
Bolingbroke, Lord, 85.
Bossuet, 248.
Bowring, Sir John, 253.
Brissac, The Marshal de, 193.
Buffon, 15.
Burgon, Mr., 358.
Bussy, Count de, 140.
Buxtorf 256.
Byron, Lord, 344.
D'AUBIGNE, M., 150.
Desaix, General, 128.
Descartes, 247.
Despreaux, 11.
D'Estang, Count, 191.
Diderot, 269.
Diogenes, 107, 150, 207.
Domenichino, 163.
Dubarry, Count, 123.
Dubucq, M., 96.
Duquesne, M., 57.
E
ELIZABETH, Queen, 24.
Epictetus, 99.
Erskine, Hon. Henry, 199, 350.
Everett, Mr. J. 305.
FENELON, 172,
F
Fleury, Cardinal, 123.
Fontenelle, 15, 21, 26, 67, 272.
Foote, 322.
Fox, Charles, 233, 392.
Franklin, Benjamin, 61.
Frederick the Great, 180.
Freron, M., 135.
G
C
CESAR, Julius, 101,
Caracci, Annibale, 75.
Carnot, 26.
Catharine, Empress of Russia 17.
Cato, 253.
Charles II., 68, 192, 320.
Charles V., 95, 122, 200, 224.
Christiana, Queen, 85, 337.
Clement, XIV., 223.
Cobden, Mr., 312.
Cobbett, William, 342.
Coleridge, S. T., 113, 169, 290, 370.
Colman, George, 234.
Cornwallis, Admiral, 309.
Crebillon, 193.
Cyrus, 218.
GARRICK David, 275.
George I., 158, 243.
George IV., 381.
Godwin, Mr. 345.
Grammont, Marshal, 273.
Groslier, M. Jean, 134.
Gustavus III., 139.
HANNIBAL, 55.
H
Haydon, 205, 206, 207.
Henry IV., of France, 123, 213.
Hickringal, Dr., 145.
Hill, Lord, 285.
Hood, Thomas, 241, 274, 383.
Hook, Theodore, 293, 318, 361, 385.
Horne Tooke, 9.
Horner, Leonard, 302.
INDEX TO AUTHORS.
Hough, Dr., 125.
Hume, David, 238.
I
IMPERIALI, Cardinal, 101.
Irving, Washington, 314.
Irving, Rev. E., 210.
J
JEFFERSON, Mr. Thomas, 190.
Jerrold, Douglas, 280, 292, 302, 309, 321,
323, 326, 327, 331, 333, 394.
Johnson, Dr. S., 7, 159, 350, 380, 383.
Julian, The Emperor, 70.
K
KAMES, Lord, 156.
Kean, Mr. Charles, 226.
Knight, Mr. Charles, 281.
L
LA FONTAINE, 148, 173.
Lafayette, Madamé, 233.
La Harpe, 59.
La Mothe, 28, 97.
Leibnitz, 111.
Le Sage, 19.
Lessing, 133.
Lincoln, President, 80, 81, 82, 177, 181,
182, 184, 195, 203, 215, 242, 243, 319,
328.
Louis V., 337.
Louis XI., 18.
Louis XII., 151, 253, 259.
Louis XIV., 22, 26, 27, 55, 56, 57, 60, 73,
83, 94, 97, 101, 104, 112, 178, 197, 390.
Louis XV., 49, 118, 251.
Louis XVI., 126, 339.
Lycurgus, 101.
M
MACKINTOSH, Sir James, 295.
Macklin, 293.
Mailly, Madame de, 175.
Mainbourg, Louis, 19.
Maintenon, Madame de, 30.
Maratti, Carlo, 69.
Marlborough, Duke of, 142.
Marmontel, 83, 269.
Marryatt, Captain, 174.
Mathews, Mr. Charles, 364.
Maule, Mr. Justice, 312.
Mazarin, Cardinal, 269.
Melancthon, 226.
Menage, M., 110.
Mezerai, M., 76.
Milton, 139.
Moliere, 189.
Montaigne, 20, 144.
Montespan, Madame de, 152.
Montesquieu, 144.
Moore, Thomas, 237.
N
NANTEUIL, Robert, 236.
Napier, Sir C. J., 299.
Napoleon, I., 340.
Norbury, Lord, 343, 359,
North, Lord, 326.
P
PALMERSTON, Lord, 306.
Parr, Dr., 363.
Peter the Great, 55, 122.
Philip of Macedon, 24, 27, 161.
Piron, M., 16.
Pitt, Mr., 334.
Plato, 72.
R
RAFFLES, Rev. Dr., 143.
Raglan, Lord, 218.
Raikes, Mr., 167.
Randolph, Mr. John, 91.
Raphael, 251.
Rennie, Mr. John, 166.
Richelieu, Duke of, 157, 211, 242.
Rose, Sir Hugh, 165.
Rowland Hill, The Rev., 229.
Rulhiere, M., 8.
S
SANTEUL, M., 134, 176.
Saxe, Marshal, 237.
Scott, Sir Walter, 348.
Scylla, 126.
Segur, Viscount de, 200.
Seneca, 58, 116.
Seward, Mr., 217.
Sixtus V., 28, 227.
Slick, Sam, 303, 304.
Smith, Rev. Sydney, 160, 161, 162, 212,
360.
Socrates, 16, 28, 238.
Sophocles, 258.
Stael, Madame de, 236.
Swift, 8, 166, 231, 283, 336.
TASSO, 150.
T
Talleyrand, M. de, 25, 26, 67, 170, 276.
Terrasson, L'Abbe, 254.
Themistocles, 18.
V
VILLEROI, Marshal, 133.
Vendome, M. de, 77, 245.
Voltaire, 61, 103, 183, 210, 395.
W
WARD, ARTEMUS, 91, 313.
Webster, Mr. Daniel, 10, 128, 177, 228.
William IV., 153.
Wordsworth, 9.
Xenocrates, 115
X
INDEX TO SUBJECTS.
A
ABSTRUSE Calculation…...
Accommodating
Acknowledged Difficulty, An
Acute.
Acute Observer, An .
246
Acute Observatíon, An...
12
Acres and Wise-acres....
392
Advantages of Anonymous Au-
thorship..
113
Advice Not Needed..
238
Advice to Parents.
183
·· + •
Advice too Late..
342
Age of Poetry, The…….
Age of Seeming, The….
Agreeable Assurance, An……….
Agreeable Way of Looking at It,
An
•
Agricultural Writer, An..
Air of Paris, The.
Alarming Antagonist, An.
108
•
327
Awkward Confession. An
52
174
181
285
As he was Told
•
•
Asking Questions.
Aspish Critic, An..
Asserting too Much..
Association of Ideas
Assurance and Insurance.
Attic Meeting Place, An..
Attractive Slipper, An..
At the Cost of Others.
At the Sea Side……….
Avarice Extraordinary.
Avarice Over-reached.
A-verse..
[
•
196
224
25
85
228
401
•
238
154
150
• •
•
293
261
...
•
249
311
21
29
334
Averse from the Chapter.
Awkward Compliment, An.
190
B
107
287
BAD Actress, A
275
190
•
•
Background, in the....
389
•
106
• • •
Alarming Appetite, An....
340
Baldness Accounted for…….
Banker, not a Poet, A.
322
13
•
Aldermanic Wisdom.
166
Barrowful of Wit..
310
·
Alike in Life and Death.
88
Alphabetical Reason for Dullness 397
Bearing It....
276
"A Little More Slumber".
131
All the Difference ....
25
Almost in the Presence of Roy-
Beaten on Both Sides.
Beauty Unsatisfied
Beggarly, Very
Bee with a Sting.
•
186
362
889
• · •
371
alty....
313
Behind Tine.
173
Altogether Mistaken
47
•
Belief...
60
Always in Harness.
23
·
• •
Bellicose Prince, A…………
191
Always T in It……….
348
"Beneath the Lowest Deep a
American Compliment, An
Amiable Failure, An.
Amphibious
Analogy, a Forcible
...
147
Lower Deep,"
395
171
Benefit, A
237
177
Bənevolent Enmity
16
• ·
•
•
397
•
Beneath the Board
346
Anodyne, An
Answered at Last..
Answering a King.
200
46
150
Apostles Ashamed
Answering to the Goad.
Answers to Correspondents..
Anticipated Pleasure, An.
Antithesis
Apology, an Ample.
Appealing to his Pride
Appearances against Him.
Appropriate to the Occasion..
Arithmetic for Gamblers...
Arithmetic out of Place
Arms in Store
Art Criticism.
Artistic Antithesis, An.
"A Horse, a Horse,"
[ •
181
Best of Reasons, The..
"Better to Bear the Ills we Have,"
Betting against the Four Winds.. 247
Be what you Seem to Be..
207
24
247
71
Bishop Corrected, A.
151
19
Bitter Pill, A……….
189
142
Bonds of Society, The
325
371
•
Book-keeping by Triple Entry.
10
· •
•
251
Bootless Search, A……………
150
246
Bootless Consolation, A……...
388
.. 76
•
Borrowed Sweetness.
88
192
15
Borrowing that does not "Blunt
the Edge of Industry".
28
102
•
Both Dissatisfied .
191
94
Boy that Must Shine in the World,
93
A...
215
•
75
•
Bread Producer, A
151
122
Breaking Down.
808
nara
INDEX TO SUBJECTS.
Breaking a Commandment.
Bringing his Man Down.
196
Brevity...
Bringing it Home to Him..
British Ignorance
Broil Maker, A …….
Building for Another.
Bundle of Contradictions, A.
Burning Love……….
Burning Timepiece, A
By Degrees.
392
Consecrating the Carriage
A..
Considerate Sweep, A..
210
18
87
...
342
74
A.....
220
·
318
162 Considerate Loser,
Consistent at Home and Abroad.
Consolation, A
Consummation not to be Desired,
Contemporaneous Regret, A.
Contempt of Eldon
252
322
25
108
22
89
306
326
Contradiction in Terms, A.
39
209
Convenient Theory, A...
372
Cooking an Ambassador
192
€
Cool as a Cucumber
...
370
Correct Inference, A….
117
CALLING in Old Debts..
69
Countless Follies
178
Calling Things by their Right
Couple of Reasons Too Many, A.. 24
Names.
77
Courtier Poet, A.
71
Capital Suggestion, A
118
Courtly Devotion
172
Capital Wish A……..
168
Courtly Exception, A.
175
Capping the Counsellor.
270
Creditable Suggestion, A.
116
•
Cardinal in the Wrong, The.
183
•
Creditor's Protest, A.
122
·
Castles in Spain.
Case of Identity, A ……
Case, a Different
Catching Cold...
Cautious Fatalist, A
Celebrated Physician, A
Certainly Not..
Change Necessary, A.
Changing the Word
135
Criticism on Law, A..
78
395
Critics Corrected, The
98
48
Cruel Disappointment..
393
18
Crying for a Little..
303
146
Curious to the Last..
255
229
• ·
•
Curing a Spendthrift through his
150
Pride
•
274
170.
Cutting Rebuke, A
402
235
Characteristic of the Soil.
286
D
Checkmate, A
199
Cherry-stones and Theology
257
DAILY Exercise.
132
Choice of Amusements, A.
156
Dancing in Fetters.
349
Choice Spirits
407
Dangers of Centralization.
55
• • ·
Choir Out of Sorts, A..
194
·
Dangers of Straggling..
303
• •
Choosing His Place in the Church 252
Church in the Way, The
383
•
Civic Guard, A ..
11
Claim of Right, A…
140.
Date Epitomised,.
Coining a Word.
Combing an M. P.
1
Classical
Clearly Mistaken
Clever Diagosis, A..
Clients, The Case with.
Climax, A..
Cobwebs
Collateral Issue, A….
Comforting Assurance, A
Comforting Her
•
166
190
• ·
·
Dangerous Child's Toys.
Dangerously Well.
Danerous Memory, A.
"Dead for a Ducat, Dead!”
Dearth of Gentlemen in England,
54
..
•
364
237
59
317
61
210
Death Idle.
117
36
Death's Folly..
353
299
Debt of Nature, The.
312
134
Debts of Honor
15
92
Decorous Rejoicing
103
398
Deeds before Words..
22
117
•
Deepest Satisfaction, The.
326
·
83
Defense of Polygamy, A..
194
•
145
Definitions..
193
Comic Out of Season
333
Deserved Encore, A…….
69
Common-place
311
Desirable Denouement, A
64
•
Common Truth, A….
61
Despised for His Skill.
166
Comparison, A
159
·
Destiny, a oor....
367
Compensating Circumstance, A..
Complete Reputation. A
Complimentary to Gamesters.... 111
91
Difference, A..
314
95
Difference, a Slight..
382
Difference, the Same with
364
Compliments, an Exchange of.
405
Difficult Task, A……
152.
Complimenting the Dead
12
Dip, ..A..
302
Compliments on the Road.
197
Discerning King, A…….
139
Conditional Acceptance, A
105
Discerning Suitor, A
30
Confidential Secretaries..
223
Discerning, though Blind.
143
•
Congenial Friends
292
Conqueror, but not a Cut-Purse, A 192
Conqueror when Alone, A
Conflicting Estimates of Paradise 23
Discretion the Better Part of
Valor
Discovering Her.
172
55
20
Disowning His Own.
11
Conscientiously Unclean..
291
•
Discord about a Cord
.. 374
•
• •
INDEX TO SUBJECTS.
Distinction, but not much Differ-
Fairly Won
ence, a
407
False Report
Distinction almost Without a Dif-
False Quantities.
ference, A....
37
False Reports
Disturbing Thoughts
50
Far Seeing
152
85
404
12
181
118
253
...
• ·
Divine Compliments..
Dividing our Gifts..
Doctrine of Compensation, The.. 13
Doctrine of Divine Rights, The.. 128
Domestic Consolation.
Domestic Devotion.
Double Purchase, A..
Drafting for the War..
Dreary Approach, A..
Dunce's Compliment, A.
Duck out of Season ....
F
EARLY Advantages
Farce before the Comedy,
Faster than the others.
Fast and Loose Place, A…….
Fast Man, A…….
The.. 88
41
201
•
287
•
378
Fashion's Logic
821
323
Fear Conquering Fear.
271
41
Finance in Petticoats
74
247
Finding Him Out in Time
143
•
•
•
157
Finely Set
805
60
Finnish Fun.
280
•
405
First Drop, The
333
Flash of Wit, A .
163
Earning their Wages.
170
...
Easier to Destroy than to Subdue 197
Easily Original
101
•
Force of a Negative, The.
Easy to some Artists
237
First Man in the Universe, The.. 222
Fluent Speakers
Following a Great Example
Forbidden Fruit is Sweet
For His Own Man
Force of Imagination..
860
889
52
•
28
244
225
• •
97
Easy Contentment
58
Force of Education, The
101
•
•
Eating his Stalks.
341
• • •
•
Force of Habit, Thé.
250
Effect without Ĉause.
Echo Puns
Economical Proposition, An
Effeminacy Rebuked
284
*
397
For the Dead Letter Office.
Fortunate to the Last.
182
45
• •
216
Fortune will not Wait.
101
386
French Compliment, A
16
•
Elizabethan
408
Free Translation
387
...
Employing a Deputy.
297
Friendly
272
Entering the Lists
Emptiness, the Perils of..
...
English and German English
English Politeness, the Test of.. 407
Epicurean Inquiries...
Episcopal Satisfaction..
Epicurean Philosopher an
Episcopal License not Sufficient. 211
363
•
385
►
102
...
Friendly Correspondence, A………. 230
Friendly Portrait, A .
Friendship's Retreats.
298
211
Frightful Suggestion
• •
387
228
From which End
242
260
406
From the Head Downwards.
Funereal Wit
• •
.. 110
385
Epitaph for Charles Knight...... 323
Equable Temper, An..
G
354
•
Equal Rights
187
GAINING and Losing.
•
Equality in Dress
160
Gambling for Life.
90
278
Equally Discreet
33
Equivocal Preference
408
Equitable Law.
394
Equivalent to the Other...
297
Even with Him
171
Everything in the Intention..... 266
Everybody's Master..
402
Exchanging their Sentiments.... 305
Excusable Prejudgment.
8
Exodus of the Philosophers, The 51
Gallows in a New Aspect, The.
Game of Brag, The...
Game that has Succeeded, A……….. 103
General Hanging, A.
Generous.
•
Geological and Poetical
Getting at the Pass-word
Getting Out of a Difficulty
Getting Out of Reach....
Ghost in Danger
98
•
224
60
277
318
182
•
134
•
•
•
40
393
Experimental Refusal.
196
Ghostly Affair, A.
159
Extempore Proverbs..
8.
Gift Horse.
383
•
Extensive Trader, An.
321
Giving and Taking
•-. 320
Extravagant Story, An
325
Going Further to Fare Worse.... 396
Extremely Cautious..
100
Goodwin's Blunder..
345
Eye for the Hounds, An
233
Going Direct to the Heart.
26
·
•
·
Going Together.
21
F
Golden Witness, A..
142
Good Adviser, A
177
FACT, A
A...
279
Fair Acquisition, A..
Good Answer, A.
40 Good, but not for Eating
57
198
• • •
Fair Arrangement, A.
68
Good Character, A...
126
Fair Conclusion, A...
236
Good Definition, A..
19
• • •
Fair Exchange, A
47
Good Offer, A…….
57
Fair Request, A.
201
Good Stroke, A.
325
INDEX TO SUBJECTS.
Good Word to Remember, A..... 285
I
Good Digestion, a....
384
Good Start, a
368
IDLE Excuse, An....
60
Grander than That
206
Gratitude on the Sliding Scale...
54
Ill-Natured Remark, An..
Greater Merit, The....
28
Idolator, An…..
Illustration of the Voluntary
188
57
Greatest Corn Growers, The.
65
Principle, An…………..
224
Greatest Want, The.
154
Imperceptible Increase, An
25
Great Heart, A
69
Imperial Example, An
133
Great in Monologue.
Great Mistake, A.
Great Mocker, A….
Great Relief, A.
Grey Beards
Groundlings, Wit for
Growing Old Together
Guess at the Truth, A
Gulliver, The Original.
*
236
•
Imperial Present, An
70
295
Improving on a Name.
374
248
Imformation Easily Acquired....
382
140
108
Important Consideration, An
Important Poscript, An...
234
83
405
Impossible Prescription, An..
68
26
102
Impossible Revenge, An..
In Debt for his Own Face.
289
75
348
•
•
Indefinite Man, An.
321
Indisputable Claim, An
89
H
Ineffaceable..
145
Inhospitable.
212
Hard Master, A
HALF Seas Over.
Hardening Process, A.
•
Haunted Brain, A
Hard-headed.
Head of the State, The.
Heavenly Locality, A.
Hearing by Deputy.
Herbiverous
Her Consolation.
Here and There
•
271
Inherited Fault, An..
312
• •
Hanging, in Either Case.
188
Inimitable.
183
292
Insolence Rebuked
41
168
Instinctive Knowledge.
17
269
377
406
..
123
...
199
199
127
Hereditary
314
Irremovable;..
122
Insult well Rebuked, An.
Insured against Storms.
Intelligent Conjecture, An.
In the Same Boat...
Involuntary Confession, An
Irish Alternative, An...
Irish and Scotch Loyalty..
Irish Imprudence
180
•
357
209
16
104
·
►
91
381
390
14
Her Own Fault.
42
Irresistible Appeal, An
102
Her View of the Case.
193
Italian Style, Tĥe…..
140
He should not have been Sur-
prised....
277
J
High Thoughts
35
Hint for the Servants' Hall.
67
JOHNSON Complimentary.
318
Hint to Bankers, A….
351
Johnson's Bull...
856
•
Hint to Go, A…….
344
Judgment of Solomon, The.
160
·
Hint to Preachers, A.
His Eyes Earthward
27
Judicious Slander.
54
269
Judge Corrected, A
365
•
His Own Eulogist.
159
Just as Short….
29
►
His Way
398
Just Conclusion, A
142
►
Historic Truth, An.
189
Just Penance, A..
32
Hit, a Good.
404
Just Rebuke, A..
85
Home Thrust, A
70
Just What Happened..
101
•
Honest Compliment, An..
77
Honest Contract, An
145
K
How Advice is Paid For.
65
• •
How He Poisoned Himself.
177
•
KILLED by Kindness
104
...
How He Was Recognized
272
King's Own Book, The.
38
How Men Used to Speak of One
Another
King's Place, The.
107
267
Known Abroad, if not at Home.. 19
How Money is Lost.
144
Knowing Ostler, A
208
How our Eyes are Opened
242
•
Knowledge Required..
174
•
How to Beat the Players..
How to Ruin the Physicians
276
•
108
L
How to Set an Example.
185
How to Settle a Bill .
84
LAICAL Superstition.
337
Humanity in Excess
92
Large in His Way
9
Hungry Jest, A..
33
Large, but not Large Enough
388
Husband has the Best of It, The. 235
Late and Early
396
Hurt..
278
Last Penalty, The
198
Hurrying, A Reason for.
242
Law of Evidence, The
129
•
A
INDEX TO SUBJECTS.
Legally Void....
Life in Little Bits...
Light for the Blind
Leading the Way..
Leaf too Much….
Lean Gourmand, A
Learned Tradesman
Learning Rapidly
Leaning to Sín, A
Legal Difficulties
Less than Nothing.
Liberal Aspiration, A.
Liberal Contributor, A...
Liberal Censor, A
Liberty Enough for any one.
Libel on the Sex, A ...
Liberty as well as Beauty in Sight 148
Light to See Light
Like Some People's Reasons
Lion and Something More, A
Literary Chemistry
Literary Discussion, A.
Living by Dying
Living by His Spectacles
Lofty Indignation .
Logical Nonsense
Long Bow, The
Long Fire Arm, A
Long Speech, A
Long River, Á .
Lord, a Distinguished..
Look at Home
...
Looking After His Creditors
Looking Before Him
318
352
Military Obedience...
Mimic Taken In, A..
43
138
•
33
....
149
Miss as Good as a Mile, A.
Mistakes....
218
229
161
Model Address, A.
73
•
391
Moderate Petitioner, A
38
113
•
·
392
Modern Way the Shortest, The.. 356
Modest Statesman, A
A...
190
•
61
Modesty of Beauty, The...
62
•
96
·
Money Making
320
373
•
Monks Under Obligations to
206
Horses
55
398
Moods and Tenses.
278
92
More than One Recovery
207
Morose Islander, A...
127
26
Mouth in Fault, The..
87
185
Mouth, Taking it out of his
377
64
Moving Speech, A....
128
215
...
Much Learning
31
229.
164
313
•
330
307
+
48
...
•
Much too Fond of Him.
Municipal Valuation, A
Murdered, Not Quite.
Mussulman Opinion..
Mutual Forgiveness.
Mutual Misunderstanding
i40
•
44
376
•
289
158
165
299
87
N
97
• •
217
NAME to Sell by, A…….
43
Natural Objection, A……..
406
Natural Preference, A…….
221
53
27
56
Neapolitan notion of Politeness, A. 194
107
Near Relations Marrying..
183
82
•
Necessary Chastisement, A.
31
•
Looking Behind Him
...
Looking for the Keys
Lost Game, A..
Lost Pleasure, A
•
Love Lock .:
Love Scrape, A
Luck and Labor
Lumber Troop, The
45
Necessary Defense, A..
274
28
Necessary Instructor, A..
197
Losing the Use of His Ears
221
Necessary Provision, A..
109
52
345
Negative Reason for Liking, A... 85
Neither for Better nor Worse.
358
79
Never in Time…..
112
119
New Man, A…….
247
• •
287
New Pleasure, A……….
252
281
Newspaper Amenities..
100
•
Lying, Nothing Easier Than.
369
•
Nigger Mathematics.
203
No Doubt of It...
42
M
"None but Himself can be his
Parallel "
41
MADE to Look Foolish
18
No Passing that Way.
243
... •
Making an Impression in Hard
No Matter what Color.
386
Wax
172
North Pole, The...
234
Making a Target of Himself
145
Not a Bad Definition..
303
Making Sure of His Men
309
Not affected by the Barometer...
125
Making Quite Sure
109
Not at all Difficult..
62
Making the Best of It
46
Not Always the Case.
237
Making Them for Others.
62
Making Progress..
389
Not Always what We Seem To Be.
Not Answering Him..
27
277
Malapropos Announcement, A.. 408
Man Wants But Little"
245
Not an Insuperable Difficulty.
Not a Recommendation in her
192
Man who Ought to Know, The...
87
Case.
183
Material Justice.
.: 193
Not a Solitary.
317
Mathematical Geology
119
Not as We Seem To Be..
241
Measured by His Follies.
218
Medical Prescription for Lon-
Not Bad Enough to be Good.
Not Complimentary to the Hus-
181
•
gevity
104
band.
134
Meeting Again
156
•
Members Gratis.
155
Not Doing Things by Halves...... 208
Notes by the Way
304
•
•
Memory at Fault
293
Not Fast Enough.
91
Mental Abstraction
Metalic Ring, A
319
Not Going...
145
81
Not Going in the Right Direction. 264
•
:
INDEX TO SUBJECTS.
•
118
·
302
357
112
176
288
•
316
186
137
220
....
•
193
276
·
Not Incorruptible.
Not Infectious..
Nothing but Fun in Him.
Nothing in It....
Not Much to Take Care of.
Not on the Proper Footing.
Not Possible..
Not Quite Kingly……….
•
Not Qui e on an Equality
Not Quite to the Purpose..
Not so Bad as a Heretic.
Not the Way to Pacify Him
Not to be Caught....
Not to be Enlightened
Not What he Intended.
Not what they Expected.
• • •
Not Wonderful in the Dead…….
No Witchcraft in his Case..
O
OBEDIENT Disobebedience...
Obedient to the Last...
Obliged to Do It..
Obscurity Defined..
•
·
Painting from Nature
Parliamentary Promise, A……….
225
17
235
Papal Dispensation, A
32
•
320
Pardonable Homicide.
96
314
44
58
Particularly Engaged...
162.
123
Partnership in Swearing.
171
•
200
Patient Sufferer.
269
Pat's Confession.
128
Patriarchial Arithmetic
99
Paying for Wit, Not Work.
409
Paying her in the Right Coin.
38
Peerless Pun.
408
Perfect...
110
Persons not Known.
309
Philosophic
89
51
Philosophical Astonishment.
124
Physiological Paradox.
375
D •
Picking Him Up....
273
Pitt's Wine Drinking
334
• •
Pitying the Wolves....
146
Place under Government……..
325
17
Plain Enough.
383
25
Play Low.
198
Pleasant Correction, A
7
•
Pleasant Occupation, A.
72
•
Obstinate Defense, An..
86
Pleasant Prospect, A.
222
Of Little Value..
144
Pleasant Wisdom
31
.
Old Fable Made Historical, An……. 244
Pleasures of the Imagination
75
Old Secret, An..
22
Pointing out the Way
335
...
Old Story, An..
297
Point of Honor, A
219
Omnipotence of Gold, The.
335
Point with Him, The
80
•
On Betting.
338
Polite to the Last..
114
One and the Other, The...
136
Polite Rebuke.
364
•
One-Pounder, a Smart.
404
Politeness on the Judgment Seat. 173
One as True as the Other, The...
One Bottle More....
36
Political Greediness..
106
251
Poor Consolation, A.
70
• • •
One Failing Corrected by Another 296
Poor Wit, A
24
One Life, One Aim.
164
Poor Excuse, A.
393
One of them Quite Enough.
88
...
Popping the Question
288
• •
One or the Other, The..
24
Portrait from the Life, A.
323
Only for Show
•
Only T'waddle
One Sufferer Better than Many.
On John Low, a Successful Mer-
chant..
On Michaelmas Day
99
Possible Mistake, A..
395
Posthumous Message, A..
386
67
Potatoes and Comentators
375
• •
131
Power of the Purse
251
322
Powder Still in Fashion
331
316
Powder without Ball….
367
•
On Napoleon...
340
Practical Test, A
103
• •
On Ostentation.
63
On the Marriage of Anne-
-with
Praying for Husbands..
a Lawyer.....
329
Practical Legislator, A..
recautionary
76
226
202
On the Marriage of John Smith
"Preach Small".
65
with Jane Bellows.
33
Precedence.
205
On the Wrong Road.
201
Precept and Example
66
•
•
Open to Him..
340
Precocious Bargainer, A.
137
Over the Wall...
P
Ordering a Retreat
Original Advertisement, An…….
Origin of Low Dresses, The.
Other Side of the Question, The.. 221
Outfit Not Required, An.
Over Zealous...
127
...
236
209
Preparing for Dinner
Presence of Mind...
283
•
Preference for Uncertainty, A.. 72
Preliminary Objection Explained 107
President Lincoln and the Spirits 328
42
36
157
Prevented from Dyeing.
178
•
269*
Price of Peace, The
134
•
Price of Publicity, The
162
Pride in Rags
37
Pride of a Gentleman, The.
304
PAINFULLY Illustrative
115
Princely Advice .
225
•
Pacific Advice…..
370
Prince Outwitted, A.
35
Painted Lady, The...
336
Privation and Aspiration..
400
• •
·
Painter's Model, A..
207
INDEX TO SUBJECTS.
Profitable Exchange, A
84
Profiting by Caprice
Projected Sacrifice, A
11
206
Problem for Total Abstainers.... 383
Professional Recognition
410
Proof Initials
65
Proof of Amiability, A
Proof of Friendship, A.
Proof of Honesty, A
Proper Exemption, A
Prophecy fulfilled,..
Proposed Change, A..
202
Reason for not Dying, A...
Reason for not Giving, A…….
Reason for not Mourning, A…….
Reason for Surprise, A...
Reasons for nof Writing.
Reason Why, The
•
...
Refreshing Excursion, A.
36
117
23
Religiously Obedient
Remote Chance, A.
Remote Reference.
• •
273
306
Providential Arrangement, A...
14
Reservation, A..
Residential.
Rhadamanthus on the Judgment
•
•
Province of the Jury.
316
Seat...
· • •
Proving Her Case
88
Riding the Wrong Horse.
Public Library, A
Purifying Process
Prussian Order, A.
Public Spirit.
Punctual in Self Defense..
Putting Him in the Pillory.
Q
QUALIFICATION for an Office, A. 178
Qualification for Matrimony, A.. 161
Quarrels of Authors.
Quarter of an Hour Too Late.
72
Righteous Vengeance..
134
...
Right Word, The...
225
Rising Man, A...
117
Rival of the Sun..
• •
56
Royal Beggar, A.
93
•
Royal Cynic, A.
ខ្លួនផ
250
78
50
51
238
97
148
141
•
158
291
213
•
311
42
50
150.
227

77
12
337
74
Queer Handkerchief..
體
​Question of Degree, A
Quill v. Baton.
Quite an Ordinary Affair,.
Quite at Ease...
Quite as Near
U ►
Royal Test, A..
Royal Wardrobe, A.
19
71
Rule of Contraries, The.
384
Royal Exile Cheating the Spies, A. 167
Royal Proclamation, A.
Royal Purse, A……….
•
Royal Way of Making War, A.
Rule of Wine, The...
197
233

213
82
12
53
19
195
Ruling Passión, The.
154
·
129
Running Footman, A.
268
...
288
376
S
•
371
392
389
SACRIFICIAL…………
Safe Bet, A………….
Safe Pitcher, A……….
Quite Enough..
...
Quite Enough of It..
265
144
• •
30
'R
Saintly.
256
St, Pump to the Rescue
202
....
RABBINICAL Severity.
112
Same End in View, The.
191
Racket Court, A
343
Same Trade, The...
338
•
Rainy Day, A.
330
Satisfaction of Patronage, The….
94
Raising the Wind
•
Rare Book, A
Rare Choice, A
Rationalist Priest.
Rather Irish.
Rather Ethereal
• •
Rather Long about it.
Rather Severe....
Rather Too Practical.
289
Satire in a Superstition, A..
202
132
30
"Saw" for the Occasion, A……………. 255
Scandalous Ingratitude...
403
• •
•
275
Scandalous Comedy,.
32
•
•
214
Scarcity....
158
382
Scotch notion of Englishmen, A.. 136
•
15
Scotch Termination, A.
280
49
Seeing Something..
298
7
Secret Correspondence.
113
Reading Aright...
39
Self-possessed, but not Impudent. 406
•
Rational Objection.
363
•
•
Self-supporting….
305
•
Real Losers, The…..
1.23
Sense of Responsibility, A.
358
Reasonable Antipathy, A..
391
Sense of Unworthiness, A.
159
"Rest," Agricultural Definition
Sentimental…….
189
of..
368
Serious Break Down, A.,
110
•
Rigid Impartiality.
396
Servant, but not an Eavesdropper,
Reasonable Despiser, A.
29
A.
40
· ·
Reasonable Arrangement, A.... 131
Serviceable Guns.
195
•
Reasonable Objection, A..
46
Serving His Apprenticeship.
206
Reasonably Suspicious.
231
Settling the Question
195
•
Reason for Brevity, A..
44
Shadow on the Blind, The.
331
Reason for Inconsistency, A.
268
Sharp Enough Without It.
56
Reason for his Sorrow, A.
176
Sharp Shooting.
282
Reason for Going to Church, A,.. 210
Shaving Extraordinary.
97
Reason for not Being Curious, A. 118
Reason for not Buying..
Shepherds and Shepherd Kings..
18
136
Shilling for Nothing, A..
125
INDEX TO SUBJECTS.
Shocking, if True...
369
Subtle Distinction, A..
•
73
Shocking Disappointment, A
259
Sufficient Bail, A..
151
•
Shocking Selfishness.
123
Suggestive Question, A
394
Shocking Suggestion, A.
144
Suitable.
316
Shoeless v. Footless.
234
Sunlight Favorable to Heroism..
257
Sharp Trader, A..
216
Sulphurous, Extremely
401
Short Reign, A..
10
Suppressio Veri, The.
259
Short Remainder, A…….
59
Sure to Reach Him.
239
Short Truths for Daily Use.
279
Sweeping Rebuke, A..
124
•
•
•
Short Witted..
322
Sydney Smith and Rogers.
368
Shrewd Rustic, A..
144
Sydney Smith Soporific..
388
Slight Misunderstanding, A..... 409
Shutting His Mouth...
155
T
Shutting up and Walking Out
363
Sign of Amity, A..
34
TAKING in a Landlord
249
Sign of Forgiveness, The
132
Taking His Measure
328
Sign of Life, A………
195
Taking it as a Compliment..
315
Sight-seer, A
212
...
Taking it Easy.
102
Silence.
18
Taking it to Himself
105
Silence Not a Proof of Wisdom.. 278
Taking the Words out of his
Similar Remedy, A
214
Mouth
34
•
Sincere Believer. A
31
Tall Joke, A
250
Sincere Valentine, A.
333
Tales of a Coat
146
Slandering the Absent.
39
Taxing Luxuries.
246
Slanderous....
320
Taxation, how to Escape
392
...
Slight Misunderstanding, A...... 409
Slothfulness Accounted for..
Temperate Edict, A
17
59
Terrible Censor,
94
Slow Coach for a Long Journey..
89
Sly Insinuation, A.
49
Terrible Descent, A
Terrible Relation, A.
291
• O ●
169
Small Enough and Large Enough.
63
Smart, Even for an American..
353
Testing his Honesty.
Test of Courage, A
133
·
200
Smart Speculation, A.
42
Test of Relationship..
95
Smuggling, a Case of…….
400
Theory of Light, A…….
220
Social Danger, A…….
336
•
Soft Answer, A
175
The Whole More than the Half.. 243
"The Little that he Knew.
370
Softer Place, A
231
"The Ruling Passion Strong in
Soldier's Alternative, A.
அ
Death"
372
•
Soldier's Welcome, A.
246
Thought of Before.
389
Solution, A.....
258
Thief and the Receiver, The.
.. 339
Some Evidence..
312
Thin Disguise, A
238
Something Still in Danger.
172
Things out of Place.
136
•
Something Lacking.
Something Worth Learning.
Something to be proud of
•
Something worth Thinking About 397
Sometimes One, and Sometimes
the Other
Sparing a Thief's Feelings
Spare Wit
Speaking Countenance, A.
Se Klug from His Experience.
Sterklub
Speen for barl R.sing, Ꭺ
Spuinx from Connaught, A
112
Thinking and Talking
278
361
Thirsty Souls, A Hint to
218
་་
401
Thoughtful Answer, A
323
Three Initials, The.
341
219
68
Time in Fault.
...
292
Time's Changes.
•
73
Tit for Tat...
109
Tongue Enough.
62
390
The
Stakeholder, A.
298
To be Smelt Out
•
Statesman's Love-making, A
128
Too Bad of Them
Statesman Taken In, A.
266
Too Fast for a Lady's Maid
Statusque Man, A
253
•
Too Good for any Place
76
•
Stern Necessity, A
357
•
Too Good to Be, or Not to Be
277
Stomach fo. a War, A...
253
Too Many Guests
72
Stopped at the Right Point
62
Too Many, or Too Few
259
Stopped on the Threshold...
257
Too Much for the Watchman
284
Stop the Boat……….
184
•
Story, A.
9
Story of a Broken Leg.
299
Too Much Weighted for Speed... 337
Too Polite for the Bishop's Ease. 183
Too Poor ...
128
•
Story-teller's Apology, The .
29
Too Severe…….
59
Strange but True
184
Too Small for Two...
126
•
Stroug Enough for the Place..
227
Too Late, a Reason for being
374
Strong Illustration
67
Too Quick-Tempered by half……………
409
Throwing the Onus on Him
Time for his Work, The
96
•
269
228
351
272
91
Tongue Required in Either Case,
90
234
207
142
INDEX TO SUBJECTS.
To the Very Extremities.
203
Useless Disguise, A
45
Touch Her Not
313
Use of Crinoline, A..
351
Town Customs.
346
Use of Letters, The
106
Tracing a Likeness
321
Use of Religion...
84
Tragic in Spite of Himself
226
Utile Dulci…….
97
Tranlators
233
Treat at Last, A
347
V
•
•
Trio, A
True
•
True but not New
True in Many Cases
True Politeness
True Prophet, A
•
219
336
VALUABLE Horse, A.
200
4
272
•
Value of an Irish Coronet, The... 326
298
•
Value of Criticism, The.
275
91
Value of Ignorance, The...
129
249
Truth for Truth
248
Value of Pretence, The.
Venomous ...
303
•
•
170
Truths of all Sorts
343
Truth on Both Sides
48
•
Truth which has often been For-
Verbal Distinction, A.
Verdicts.
Very Best Way, The...
123
324
147
•
gotten, A
116
Very Complaisant..
14
•
Troubling Both Worlds
95
Very Curious
41
Trumpet Blat, A
402
Very Lamentable
214
Truth in a Paradox
409
.. •
Very Profound ..
104
Tugs that May Feel
350
Very Terrible..
42
Tunless, but Valuable.
275
·
View of Authorship, A.
281
Tunes out of Time..
130
Vizier Outwitted, The.
353
Visibly Losing
401
Typical of Others
U
Turning his Books to Account…….. 235
Twelvepeuce for his Thoughts
Two for One..
Two Heads Better than One.
Two Impossibilities
Two kinds of Poverty..
Two Measures...
•
Two Reputations in Danger
Voice of the Four Winds, The.... 63.
Voice of the Sex, The....
285
...
49
290
Voluntary Blindness
16
129
W
161
133
WAGGISH Grammar.
...
23
Wanted an Author.
•
Was he Exasperated?,
322
153
•
78
210
315
•
•
· •
•
UNACCEPTABLE Composition... 49
Unanswerable Flattery
Unanswered Question, An.
Unbridled
Uncertain About his Master
Uncivil Frenchman, An..
Uncommonly Witty
Unconscious Accomplice, An
Unconscious Love-Making
Unconscious Postscript, An
Under a Cloud Always
Understood Peril, An
...
Was His Fortune Made?.
Way Out of a Dilemma, The..
Way to Newgate, The..
Wayward Theologian, A..
224
232
164
283
68
351
Weak Invention, A.
326
·
139
Wear it Who Will..
53
110
Wear One Yourself.
290
14
Weeds to be Eradicated.
394
•
99
Wee Bit Rude, A..
358
97
Weight Preferred to Fashion.
51
D
239
Weighty Scruples, A.
9
376
Welcome to Stay.'.
175
92
Welcome Visitor, A.
319
187
Well Said.…….
14
Undesirable Restoration, An.
74
Well Turned Compliment, A.
20
Unexpected Response, A.
342
Wet and Dry.
367
Unforgetting..
8
What's the Use of it?
291
Unfortunate Parody, A
208
Ungrateful Reminder, The.
138
Unimaginably Small ..
358
What Some Others Would Do……..
What they Laughed at in 1500.... 261
What's in a Trifle?
98
119
•
Unintentional Confession, A……….
Unlooked for Compliment, An... 26
Unmeritorious Goodness..
Unnecessary Apology, An.
99
What Would They Do?..
257
·
•
•
Which is Truth?
351
•
•
187
Which Romance?
222
• •
47
·
Whisky Hero, A.
149
Unpleasantly Practical..
9
Unreasonable Malice...
46
Who?
Unrecognised Claim, An.
186
•
Untimely Advice
176
Whittling His Chance Away.
Whose?...
Who Beats the Best is Best
141
[ •
+
•
105
384
..
55
Unusually Sensitive
109
Who Governs Best?.
96
...
Unusual Stupidity.
148
Whose Corn?...
152
Unwashed Religion, An.
404
Who Should Dispute..
226
Up and Down..
29
Who will Live Longest..
188
•
•
Up to It..
169
Who will Use It?...
280
Up to the Mark…..
245
•
Why a Conservative.
127
Useful Alley, A.
115
+
Why a Mediator.
198
INDEX TO SUBJECTS.
Why Did He Say It?...
92
Wit's Excuse, A..
116
Who He Stopped..
343
Winners Can Afford to be Gener-
ous.
Woman in it, A....
243
Why Men need to be Valiant....
93
Why so many People Kill Time... 327
Woman Always the Worst.
Woman's Estimate of Men, A....
Wooing the Brown Mare....
Work that Lasts, The....
256
283
94
184
258
Why they were in the Rear..
Wicked Suggestion..
2-18
Worth While, Under any Circum-
364
stances
93
Widows.
304
Writing for the Index.
92
•
Wilkes and the Beggar.
373
• •
•
Wrong in One Point, at Least……….
45
William Oldys..
345
Wrong Physic. The..
82
Wine Cellar, A……..
337
Wrong Reckoning, A.
63
Winter Amúsement, A
280
Wisdom in Both of Them..
164
Y
Wisdom of our Ancestors.
212
Wise Choice, A...
162
YEAR too Late, A...
22
Wise Head, A
410
Young and Old
70
Wise Precaution, A....
20
Young Deceiver, A ..
204
Wise Preference, A....
Wiser than his flatterers.
•
Wish with Two Sides to it, A……….
Witchcraft, The only Real..
Without a Mark
167
Young Hopeful, A..
346
126
•
Yorkshire Bull, A..
375
407
Youthful Moderation..
66
20 Youthful Reason, A...
811
298

JOKES AND JESTS,
WIT; HUMOR AND ANECDOTE
BY PROMINENT PERSONS OF
ANCIENT AND MODERN TIMES.
RATHER TOO PRACTICAL.
ONE day, when Dr. Johnson was dining with Mrs.
Macaulay, the conversation turned upon the equality of
all mankind. The hostess maintained with energy that
all men are equal, and pressed the subject upon the at-
tention of Dr. Johnson, who made very laconic replies,
in the hope of being able to change a conversation which
annoyed him. When he saw, at length, that his efforts
were vain, and that Mrs. Macaulay was resolved to go
deeper and deeper into the subject, he hastily finished
his dinner, and rising precipitately from the table,
begged one of the men-servants to take his place. "What
do you mean, Doctor?" said the astonished hostess.
"Madame,” replied the lexicographer, "I am anxious to
put in practice what you have been preaching."
A PLEASANT CORRECTION.
THE Queen of Louis XV., having been informed that
the king, passing by Petit-Bourg, had paid much atten-
on to Madame de Boufflers, said to that lady the next
7
8
JOKES AND JESTS.
time she appeared at Versailles-"Madame, you have
made yourself the subject of a great deal of talk at Petit-
Bourg." "What do they say?""They say that you
looked at the king a good deal."
"Ah! no! your
Majesty has been ill informed. They do not say that
I looked at the king a good deal, but that the king
looked a good deal at me.”
EXCUSABLE PREJUDGMENT.
A PRETENTED wit visited Rulhiere one morning to
read to him a couple of stories of his composition. After
he had heard the first one, and before the author could
draw the second from his pocket, Rulhiere said to him,
"I like the other the best."
UNFORGETTING.
A STORY is told of the American joker, Mr. J. G.
Saxe, to the effect that once, taking a trip up the Hud-
son, he fell in with a lively young lady, to whom he
made himself very agreeable. At parting the lady said,
"Good-bye, Mr. Saxe, but I fear you'll soon be forgetting
me!" "Ah! miss," said the punster, "if I were not
such a very married man already, you may be sure I'd
be forgetting you!"
EXTEMPORE PROVERBS.
XTEM
SWIFT had an odd humor of making extempore pro-
verbs. Observing that a gentleman in whose garden he
walked with some friends seemed to have no intention
to request them to eat any of the fruit, Swift observed,
"It was a saying of his dear grandmother.
Always pull a peach
When it is within your reach:"
WIT AND HUMOR.
9
and helping himself accordingly, his example was fol-
lowed by the whole company. At another time he
framed an "old saying and true," for the benefit of a
person who had fallen from his horse into the mire:-
The more dirt
The less hurt.
The man rose much consoled.
UNPLEASANTLY PRACTICAL.
WORDSWORTH sang a beautiful address to the stock-
dove. He said, once in a wood, Mrs. Wordsworth and a
lady were walking, when the stock-dove was cooing. A
farmer's wife coming by, said to herself, “Oh, I do like
the stock-dove." Mrs. Wordsworth, in all her enthu-
siasm for Wordsworth's poetry, took the old woman to
her heart; "but," continued the old woman, "some like
them in a pie; for my part, there's nothing like 'em
stewed in onions.'
""
LARGE IN HIS WAY.
HORNE TOOKE was the son of a poulterer in Newport
Market: when asked what his father was by some of his
schoolfellows, he is said to have replied, "a Turkey
merchant."
A STORY.
THE following is attributed to the celebrated Rowland
Hill:-"Two strangers passing the church in which he
was preaching, entered, walked up the aisle, and finding
no seat, stood for a while and listened to the sermon.
Presently they turned to walk out. Before they reached
the door, the preacher said, But I will tell you a story.'
(
10
JOKES AND JESTS,
"
This arrested the strangers, and they paused, turned
again and listened. 'Once there was a man,' said the
speaker, 'who said that if he had all the axes in the
world made into one great axe, and all the trees in the
world made into one great tree, and he could wield the
axe and cut down the tree, he would make it into one
great whip to thrash these ungodly men who turn their
backs upon the Gospel and stop to hear a story.' The
strangers thought they had heard enough to satisfy their
curiosity, and resumed their walk into the street
+
BOOK-KEEPING BY TRIPLE-ENTRY.
DANIEL WEBSTER was not careful in pecuniary matters,
and his fault was at times taken advantage of. At one
time a man sawed a pile of wood for him, and, having
presented his bill, it was promptly paid. The laborer
being hard up during the winter, a neighbor advised
him to call upon Mr. Webster for the payment of his.
bill. "But he has paid me," said the man. "No mat-
ter,” replied his adviser, "call again; it is a very com·
mon thing for him to pay much larger bills twice over."
The man carried in his account the second time. Mr.
Webster looked at it, looked at the man, remembered
him, but paid the bill. The fellow again got "short,”
some three or four months afterwards, and, depending
upon Mr. Webster's looseness in money matters, pre-
sented the bill for sawing wood a third time. Mr. Web-
ster looked at the man for a moment, said: "How do
you keep your books, sir?" "I keep no books," said
the man, abashed. "I think you do, sir," continued Mr.
Webster, "and upon a tripple-entry system. Go home,
sir, and be honest.
I have no objection to paying
WIT AND HUMOR.
115

these little bills twice, but I cannot pay them three
times.” The man left the room, feeling as though he
was suffocating for want of air.
PROFITING BY CAPRICE.
WHEN it was announced to Despreaux that he had
been appointed Royal Historiographer with a good salary,
he said, "Whenever I write satire, which I understand
very well, I am threatened with a thrashing; and now
they give me a pension for writing history, of which I
know nothing."
DISOWNING HIS OWN.
Ar the commencement of the fifteenth century, a
Turkish merchant lost a purse containing two hundred
pieces of gold, and had his loss proclaimed by the public
crier, with a promise that half the sum should be paid
to whoever restored the whole to the owner. A sailor
who had found the purse offered to restore it on receipt
of the proferred reward; but the merchant, desiring to
avoid payment of the hundred pieces, declared that, be-
sides the gold, the purse had contained a most valuable
emerald. The sailor called Heaven and the Prophet to
witness that he had not found the emerald. At length
the parties went before the magistrate, to whom the
accused and the claimant told their stories. When they
had done, the magistrate said to the merchant "The
purse which you lost contained, besides two hundred
pieces a precious emerald; and the sailor declares that
the purse which he has found contained nothing but
two hundred pieces of gold; it is manifest, therefore,
that this purse and the gold which it contains are not
those which belong to you. In order that there may be
12
JOKES AND JESTS.
no further mistake about the matter, you will take care
to make the crier announce the loss of a purse contain-
ing an emerald as well as two hundred pieces of gold.
The sailor will retain the gold which he has found for
forty days, and if the loser does not appear within that
time he may keep it for his own.”
A ROYAL WAY OF MAKING WAR.
MALEK, Vizier of the Caliph Mosthudi, having obtained
a victory over the Greeks, made their king prisoner.
When the monarch was brought before him, he asked
him what treatment he expected at the hands of his
vanquisher. "If you make war royally," said the king,
"you will release me; if as a merchant, you will ransom
me; and if as a butcher, you will kill me." The Mussul-
man general released him.
COMPLIMENTING THE DEAD.
THE famous physician Borden was found dead in his
bed. When the Marchioness of was told of it she
said, "Ah! Death was so afraid of him, that he did not
dare to attack him except when he was asleep."
HUSBANDLY SATISFACTION.
A MR. D, having sent for an undertaker to bury
his wife, the horrified man told him that she was still
"Never mind," said Mr. D. "Do what I
have told you; she is quite dead enough.”
warm.
A FALSE REPORT.
ROSSINI once made a bet (about what is not recorded)
of a turkey stuffed with truffles, and won the wager. As
the loser seemed rather lax in paying, Rossini said to
WIT AND HUMOR.
13
him one day, "Well, my friend, how about that turkey?"
"Oh!" replied the other, "the truffles are not good yet!"
"Nonsense!" rejoined the maestro, "that is a false re-
port spread abroad by the turkeys."
AN ACUTE OBSERVATION.
A JESUIT preacher said that we should all admire the
care which Providence had taken to make large rivers
pass through large towns.
A RIVAL OF THE SUN.
Do
COUNT D'HARCOURT said to M. Daguerre, a Gascon
officer, "The king's orders are, that we are to attack the
islands. We shall begin with Saint Marguerite.
you think that you can enter it with your troop?" "Tell
me, general, does the sun enter there?" "Of course it
does!" "Oh! then," said Daguerre, "there can be no
doubt that I and my troop will do so too." And, in
fact, they did.
A BANKER NOT A POET.
A NOBLEMAN paying an evening visit to a banker,
said, “I have been dining with a poet, who regaled us
at dessert with an excellent epigram." The self-made
man immediately called for his cook and asked him in-
dignantly how it was that he never served him up an
epigram?
THE DOCTRINE OF COMPENSATION.-
A POETASTER, having presented a sonnet for the perusal
of Pope Clement VII., the Holy Father, on glancing at
it, perceived that one of the lines was a syllable short,
and pointed out the defect to the author. The latter,
without being in the least disconcerted, said, “If your
i
14
JOKES AND JESTS,
Holiness will continue to read on I am pretty sure you
will find that some other line has a syllable too much."
A CIVIC GUARD.
A REGIMENT of soldiers passing through Beaune, and
being about to traverse a forest infested with robbers,
the considerate mayor of the place offered them an
escort of four of the town police.
WELL SAID.
ARISTOTLE being asked how one should judge of the
merit of a book? said, "If an author has said all that he
ought to have said, as he ought to have said it, and
nothing but what he ought to have said, he has written
well."
A PROVIDENTIAL ARRANGEMENT.
A CAPUCIAN friar once said, in a discourse, that it was
a very merciful thing of Providence to place death at the
end of life rather than at the beginning, for we by that
means had time to prepare for it.
VERY COMPLAISANT.
A LADY asked a shy young man, as a joke, whether he
would go to her funeral, in case she should die before
"Oh! with pleasure, madam," replied the bashful
him.
youth.
AN UNCIVIL FRENCHMAN.
On his return from his first visit to England, a French
author said that he had found no ripe fruit there but
baked apples, and nothing polished but steel.
IRREMOVABLE.
ONE of the patrons of a famous French actress said to
WIT AND HUMOR.
15
her, "Your porter is rude; you ought to send him
away." "I know it very well," she replied, "and I have
often thought of doing so; but then, you see, he is my
father."
RATHER LONG ABOUT IT.
FONTENELLE, being at the Opera when he was a
hundred years old, an Englishman entered his box, and
said, "I have come express from London in order to see
the author of Thetis and Peleus.'" "Sir,” replied
Fontenelle, "you cannot say that I have not given you
plenty of time."
DEBTS OF HONOR.
!
THE famous Paul Jones, having resolved to pay his
debts, first discharged those which are termed debts of
honor. An artisan, who was one of his creditors, called
on him and presented his bill. “I have no money just
now, my friend." "But, sir, I know that you paid away
fifty pounds this morning, and that you have still some
left." "Oh! that was a debt of honor." "Well, sir, I
will make mine one also;" and so saying the man threw
his account into the fire. Paul paid the debt on the
spot.
ARITHMETIC FOR GAMBLERS.
BUFFON said, "It is impossible but that in gambling
the chances should be against you, and that the sum
which you may lose will be, relatively to that which
you may win, as four is to three. Suppose that you
have twelve thousand pounds, and gain four thousand
pounds, you only increase your fortune by a fourth; but
if you lose four thousand pounds you diminish it by a
third."
16
JOKES AND JESTS,
A FRENCH COMPLIMENT.
IT has been said (by a Frenchman) that, in singing,
the Spaniard weeps, the Italian complains, the German
bellows, the Dutchman howls, and the Frenchman-sings.
TWO IMPOSSIBILITIES.
GABRIELLI having asked of the Empress of Austria
five thousand ducats as the price of her singing during
two months at Viennà, the latter replied, "I do not pay
any of my field-marshals more than that."
"Then your
Majesty,” replied the singer, "had better get your field-
marshals to sing." The Empress paid the five thousand
ducats. The same singer said one day to a Viceroy,. "I do
not choose to sing to day. You may imprison me; you
may ill-treat me; you may make me cry out; but you
cannot make me sing.'
""
IN THE SAME BOAT.
SOCRATES, when accused, would not allow any of his
disciples to undertake his defense, as he considered that
a life passed in the paths of virtue should be his sufficient
justification. When he was informed that the Athen-
ians had condemned him to death, he quietly replied,
"Nature has long since condemned them to the same."
And when his friends entreated him to fly, he asked
them, "Do you know of any place in Attica which is
not visited by death?”
BENEVOLENT ENMITY.
PIRON, when walking in the outskirts of Beaune, was
frequently observed to pull up all the thistles he met
with. Being asked the reason, he replied, "I am at
WIT AND HUMOR.
17
enmity with the people of this place, and I am destroy-
ing their food."
OBEDIENT DISOBEDIENCE.
THE valet de chambre of Frederic the Great had orders
to enter his master's bed-room every morning through-
out the year, for the purpose of rousing him from his
slumbers, and with instructions to pull off the bedclothes
if the king delayed to rise. One morning when the valet
was performing this accustomed duty, his master desired
him to let him rest. "No! no!" cried the valet, "I
know you well enough to know that you would dismiss
me if I did anything of the kind!"
A TEMPERATE EDICT.
A LAW made by Catherine Alexiowna, who became
Empress of Russia in 1724, indicates the slight degree
of civilization existing in that country at that period. It
enacted, that women were not to get drunk-in public;
and that men were not to get drunk-before nine o'clock
in the evening.
PAINTING FROM NATURE.
FERDINAND II. was one day admiring the picture of an
infant weeping, painted by Berettini. The artist with a
touch of his brush made the child appear to be laughing,
and then, with another touch, restored the previous
expression. "You see, sire," he said to the monarch,
"how readily children either laugh or cry."
SILENCED.
M. DE LA MOTTE, the Bishop of Amiens, being present
one day when a missionary preached in the cathedral,
2
18
JOKES AND JESTS,
fell asleep.
The missionary, dining with the prelate
after the service, took occasion to say, "My lord, you
fell asleep during the sermon!" "Reverend father,"
replied the bishop, "you had better be lenient with me,
or else I shall say that the sermon sent me to sleep."
MADE TO LOOK FOOLISH.
A STUPID fellow who was in company with some per-
sons who were guessing riddles, exclaimed, "What a
foolish amusement! For my part, I despise riddles!"
"It is certainly easier for some persons," replied one of
the company, significantly, "to despise than to guess
them."
SHEPHERDS AND SHEPHERD KINGS.
LOUIS XI., meeting one day the Bishop of Chartres on
a horse richly caparisoned, said, "Bishops used not form-
erly to travel thus!" "Certainly not, sire, in the time
of the shepherd kings."
CATCHING COLD.
An ambassador who had newly arrived from Poland
was asked by a duchess, whether it were true, that the
Polish ladies were as white and as cold as their own
snows? "It is so true, Madam," replied the ambassa-
dor, "that I have often caught cold merely by being in
their company." This is rather better than Beau Brum-
mel's remark, that he had caught cold by being in the
same room with a damp stranger.
BRINGING IT HOME TO HIM.
THE musician Timonides prayed Themistocles to do
something unjust in his favor. "Would you consent,"
WIT AND HUMOR.
19
replied Themistocles, "to sing a false note in a theater
full of people?"
THE RULE OF WINE.
THE JESUIT, Louis Maimbourg, never sat down to
write without having previously excited his imagination
with wine. When he wished to describe a battle he
drank two bottles instead of one, lest, he said, the scenes
of bloodshed should make him feel faint.
A GOOD DEFINITION.
A LADY from the provinces, who had but lately arrived
in Paris, asked Fontenelle, "What is that academic
chair which I so often heard mentioned?" "Madame,"
replied the philosopher, "it is an easy couch for clever
men to go to sleep on."
AN ESTIMATE OF MONKERY.
SOME savages having taken a Capucian prisoner, were
never tired of gazing at him; but some of their com-
rades soon after bringing in a Franciscan, they were
filled with delight, exclaiming, “It is the female!”
AN ANTICIPATED PLEASURE.
LOOKING out of the window is almost the only pleasure
which children can enjoy in Paris. "I should like to
die, Mamma,” said a child to its mother, "Why, my
dear?" > "Because then I could see my funeral go past
the window."
THE QUARRELS OF AUTHORS.
CHAMPORT said to some authors who were attacking
each other in their writings, "Don't fight in the street,
gentlemen, for all the idle people are looking at you out
of the windows."
20
JOKES AND JESTS,
A PROTEST AGAINST PRECOCITY.
MONTAIGNE said, "If I had to bring up children, 1
would rather teach them how to inquire than how to
decide; and I should prefer them to seem like appren-
tices at sixty, than like doctors at fifteen.”
A WELL-TURNED COMPLIMENT.
WHEN the virtuous De Mesmes, President of the Par-
liament of Paris, was elected an academician, Boileau
congratulated him in these terms: "I have come to
you, sir, in order that you may congratulate me on hav-
ing you for one of my fellow-academicians."
A WISE PRECAUTION.
THE daughter of the Mayor of Beaune having lost her
canary bird, her father instantly gave orders for the clos-
ing of the gates of the town.
THE ONLY REAL WITCHCRAFT.
THE too famous Eleanore Galigai, who was born the
daughter of a miller, and became the wife of a Marshal
of France, was accused of bewitching the Queen Marie
de Medicis, who was tenderly attached to her in spite of
her ugliness. Being questioned as to the means which
she had employed to throw a spell over the queen, she
boldly replied, "Those which are always at the command
of strong spirits when in contact with weak ones." This
reply, however, did not save her, and she was beheaded
on the Place de Greve, in 1617.
A CONQUERER WHEN ALONE.
NICOLE was not prompt at repartee, and was so slow
in advocating the propositions he advanced, that he
WIT AND HUMOR.
21
wearied those who listened to him.
fact, he said, "My friends easily get
Referring to this
the better of me
when we are together; but they have not time to reach
the bottom of the stairs before I have completely van-
quished them."
GOING TOGETHER.
On the 15th April, 1764, died the Marquise de Pom-
padour. She viewed the approach of death with the
utmost stoicism; and when the priest of her parish, who
had been with her some time, rose to take leave, she said,
"Stay but a moment longer, sir, and we will depart
together."
AVERSE FROM THE CHAPTER.
A PEASANT having been deprived of a piece of land by
a monk who managed one of the farms belonging to an
abbey, went to the abbey's attorney, and begged him to
reinstate him. “I have no authority to do that," said
the attorney, "you must speak to the prior." The peasant
appealed to the latter, and was by him referred to the
provincial, who said to him, "It does not lie in my power
to do what you wish; it is a matter for the whole chap-
ter." “What!” exclaimed the peasant, "does it require
a whole chapter to restore me my field, when it only
required a single monk to deprive me of it?"
A COMPENSATING CIRCUMSTANCE.
FONTENELLE never allowed ambition to have any
power over him, for he had but too plainly seen its ter-
rible effects on Cardinal Dubois, who frequently went to
him for consolation. Some one remarked one day to
the philosopher how large a fortune the Cardinal had
22
JOKES AND JESTS,
made, whilst he, who had been in equal favor with the
regent, had made none. Fontenelle replied, "Yes!
but then I never had to go to the cardinal for consola-
tion."
A CONSUMMATION NOT TO BE DESIRED.
THE Doge of Venice used to go every year to
espouse the sea, and threw a ring into it by way of
espousal. A Sultan of Turkey, with whom the Doge
was at war, threatened to make him consummate the
marriage by throwing himself in.
AN OLD SECRET.
DIONYSIUS, the tyrant of Syracuse, was tormented by
the conspiracies incessantly formed against his throne
and person. One day a man presented himself at a
public levee, and told the monarch that he knew of a
means by which the monarch might discover any con-
spiracy against him, and that for a certain sum of
money he would reveal it to him. Dionysius promised
to give him what he asked, upon which the man, taking
him aside, said to him, "I possess no such secret, but
if
you tell
your subjects that I have revealed to you one
that is infallible, no one will henceforth dare to conspire
against you." Dionysius thought the advice excellent,
adopted it, paid the money, and lived tranquilly there-
after.
DEEDS BEFORE WORDS.
LOUIS XIV. was passing with his courtiers through
one of the galleries of Versailles, when he saw Jean
Bart smoking his pipe in the recess of a window. Call-
ing him to him, he said, in a very friendly tone, "Jean
WIT AND HUMOR.
23
ron."
Bart, I have appointed you to the command of a squad-
"That is right!" quietly replied the sailor, re-
turning to his pipe. This curt reply excited a great
burst of laughter amongst the idle courtiers, which was
checked, however, by the king's saying, "Jean Bart's
answer is that of a man who knows his value, and is
pretty confident of being able to give me further proofs
of it. He certainly cannot speak like you, but who
amongst you can fight like him?"
ALWAYS IN HARNESS.
M. ARNOULD, being overworked, his friends earnestly
advised him to devote one day in the week to relaxation.
"I would willingly do so," he replied, "if I could find
a day on which I am not a bishop."
CONFLICTING ESTIMATES OF PARADISE.
Ar the consecration of the Abbess of Chelles, sister of
Madame de Fontanges, the king's mistress, the splendid
draperies, jewels, exquisite music, delicious incense, and
the crowd of magnificently-clothed bishops, produced
such an effect on a countryman who was present, that
he exclaimed, "Surely this must be Paradise!" "No,"
said a bystander, "there would not be so many bishops
if it were."
TYPICAL OF OTHERS.
THE Ephesians were such a jealous people, that when
anyone excelled amongst them, they told him to go
and excel elsewhere.
A PROPER EXEMPTION.
Max who was very vain of his powers of satire,
1
24
JOKES AND JESTS,
proposed once to a financier to lay a tax on wit. "Every-
one,” he said, “will readily pay; for no one likes to be
thought a fool." "It is a capital idea," replied the
minister, “and in imposing the tax, I will take care that
you are exempted from it."
(6 BETTER TO BEAR THE ILLS WE HAVE.”
PHILIP, King of Macedon, having been advised to
exile a man who was constantly saying witty but bitter
things against him, replied, "Certainly not; for then he
would say all over the world what now he only says
here."
A POOR WIT.
QUEEN ELIZABETH, of England, meeting in her garden
one day a gentleman who had not received the fruit of
some promises she had made as quickly as he expected,
said to him, "What does a man think of, Sir Edward,
when he thinks of nothing?" "Of a woman's prom-
ises," replied the gentleman. The queen bent her
head, and murmured as she turned away, "You are
right, Sir Edward; but if anger makes a man witty, it
also keeps him poor all his life."
THE ONE, OR THE OTHER.
A YOUNG student showing a party of ladies over the
Oxford Museum pointed out to them, among other curi-
osities, a rusty old sword, and cried, "See! That is the
sword with which Balaam threatened to kill his ass."
"I never heard," said one of the company, "that
Balaam had a sword, but only that he wished for one.”
"You are quite right,” replied the student, "and that
is the one wished for."
?
WIT AND HUMOR.
25
AN IMPERCEPTIBLE INCREASE.
WHEN Prince Talleyrand was made vice-grand-elector
of the empire, Fouche said, "The addition will not be
felt in so numerous a company; it is only one vice the
more."
ALL THE DIFFERENCE.
A BISHOP, who was consumed by the ambition to be-
come a cardinal, was always sick, and envied the robust
health of his almoner. "How is it," he said to the
latter, "that you are always so well, whilst I am always
so ill?" "Because, my lord," replied the almoner, "you
have your hat in your head, and I have my head in my
hat."
AN ASPISH CRITIC.
QUEEN CLEOPATRA, in order to avoid the disgrace of
being dragged to Rome in triumph, exposed her bosom
to the bite of an asp. In the tragedy of Marmontel,
where this is represented, a mechanical asp was intro-
duced, which had been so cleverly constructed that it
hissed as it darted out its tongue. At the end of the
play, a critic being asked what he thought of it,
said, "I am of the same opinion as the asp.
OBEDIENT TO THE LAST.
""
FOUR soldiers of the Emperor Joseph II., having
been convicted of the crime of desertion, were con-
demned to throw dice to determine which of them
should be executed. Three of them made no objection,
but the fourth constantly refused, on the ground that
the Emperor had strictly forbidden his soldiers to play
at any game of chance. The Emperor having been in-
ง
26
JOKES AND JESTS,
formed of the soldier's ready wit at so critical a mo-
ment, ordered that he, as well as his companions, should
be pardoned.
GOING DIRECT TO THE HEART.
LOUIS XIV., having asked Bourdaloue what he
thought of Father Honore, a Capuchin, who preached
with little eloquence, but much unction, replied, "Sire,
Father Honore flays the ears and tears the heart; and
those who have stolen purses whilst listening to my ser-
mons restore them when they hear him."
A REASONABLE DESPISER.
CARNOT, speaking of Talleyrand, said, “If he despises
men, it is because he has so well studied them."
GROWING OLD TOGETHER.
ADDRESSING Louis XVIII. one day, Talleyrand said to
him, "Sire, I am old," which was a polite manner of
saying to the monarch, "Sire, you are old;" for they
were both of the same age.
LIFE IN LITTLE BITS.
MADAME DE SEVIGNE said that she did not like
watches with second-hands, because they cut up life into
such little bits.
AN UNLOOKED-FOR COMPLIMENT.
FONTENELLE, when ninety years old, passed before
Madame Helvetius without perceiving her. "Ah!"
cried the lady, "that is your gallantry, then! To pass
before me without even looking at me?"
looked at you, Madame," replied the old
should not have passed before you."
"If I had
beau, “I
WIT AND HUMOR.
27
A HINT TO PREACHERS.
A PERSON Who had been seated in church a long
way from the pulpit, said, "The preacher spoke to me
with his hands, and I listened with my eyes."
AN UNCONSCIOUS ACCOMPLICE.
A THIEF was in the act of stealing a clock in one of
the apartments of Louis XIV., when the king made his
appearance. Without losing his presence of mind, the
thief said, as though to himself half aloud, "I am afraid
the steps are slipping!" The king, supposing that the man
was one of the domestics taking down the clock to have it
repaired, at once went and held the steps to prevent an
accident. Some hours afterwards a complaint was made
to him that a clock had been stolen from one of his
apartments. "Pray do not speak about it," said the
king, "for I held the ladder whilst it was being taken
down."
A NATURAL PREFERENCE.
PHILIP, King of Macedon, having been entreated to give
a judgment in favor of a certain nobleman of his court,
whose character would otherwise be irretrievably ruined,
replied, "I am very sorry; but I would rather that his
character should be ruined than mine."
NOT ALWAYS WHAT WE SEEM TO BE.
CARDINAL DE CAMUS observing, at Grenoble, a tailor's
signboard representing a man of that profession cutting
out a coat, with the inscription "The trustworthy tailor,"
exclaimed, "I see the trustworthy tailor is outside, but
is the one inside trustworthy also?"
28
JOKES AND JESTS,
THE GREATER MERIT.
THE first Marshal de Boufflers acquired infinite honor
by his gallant defense of Lille, when it was besieged by
Prince Eugene, in 1708. After a four months' siege it
was at length found necessary to surrender it, and Prince
Eugene, when he saw the marshal, said to him, "I am
very proud of having taken Lille, but I should be still
more proud if I had defended it as you have."
FORBIDDEN FRUIT IS SWEET.
LA MOTHE LE VAYER, having sold to a publisher a
work which did not sell, the latter bitterly complained.
"Never mind," said the author, "I know how to make
it sell. I will get my friends at court to have it offi-
cially suppressed, and then every one will want to read
it."
The result was as the author anticipated, and the
work reached a second edition.
LOOKING FOR THE KEYS.
BEFORE his elevation to the Papal Chair, Sixtus V.
walked about Rome with his head bent down upon his
breast, but as soon as he was made Pope he went as up-
right as possible. Being asked the reason of this, he
replied, "When I was only a cardinal I was seeking for
the keys of Paradise, but now that I have found them I
have only to look towards Heaven.”
BORROWING THAT DOES NOT "BLUNT THE EDGE OF
INDUSTRY."
A PRODIGAL Complained one day to Socrates that he
had no money.
"Borrow of yourself by retrenching
your expenses," replied the sage.
WIT AND HUMOR.
29
A STORY-TELLER'S APOLOGY.
EVERY story-teller occasionally repeats himself. It is
one of the inconveniences of the profession. A story-
teller who was reproached for this fault quietly replied,
"I must be permitted to repeat my little tales from time
to time, or else I should forget them."
AN AWKWARD COMPLIMENT.
A YOUNG gentleman was one day complimenting
Madame Denis on the manner in which she played the
character of Zaire, when the lady objected that an actress,
to play it well, should be young and beautiful. "Oh!
no!" exclaimed the candid eulogist, "you are a proof to
the contrary."
JUST AS SHORT.
THE Earl of Essex threatened to throw a monk into
the Thames. "Do it," replied the monk, "the road to
heaven is as short by water as by land.”
A REASONABLE CAUSE OF FEAR.
A MAN of genius said, "I fear God, and next to him I
fear the man who does not fear him."
UP AND DOWN.
""
THE Duke d'Epernon perceived that he fell into dis-
credit at the court in proportion as the influence of Car-
dinal Richelieu increased. One day as he was descend-
ing the staircase of the Chateau of St. Germain, he met
the cardinal going up. "What news your grace?” asked
the latter. "That you are going up, and that I am
coming down."
30.
JOKES AND JESTS.
A DISCERNING SUITOR.
FATHER NEUVILLE, a Jesuit, having besought Madame
de Maintenon, whom he did not know by sight, to ob-
tain an audience for him with Madame de Maintenon,
she asked him why he desired it. "I wish to obtain an
appointment for one of my brothers," said he. "It is
useless to appeal to her," replied the lady; "for though
she sometimes asks his Majesty for alms, she never asks
favors of him." "But she has such influence with him!"
remonstrated the Jesuit. "Not so much as you sup-
pose." "Ah! Now I see, exclaimed the wily applicant,
"that I must be speaking to Madame de Maintenon her-
self, for no one but she could so undervalue the influence
she enjoys." It is not said that the Jesuit succeeded in
his suit, but he ought to have done so.
A RARE CHOICE.
THERE are hermits in China who tear out their eyes,
in order, they say, that by closing the two gates of love
they may open the thousand gates of wisdom.
A SAFE PITCHER.
A CERTAIN Dutch statesman, who drank deeply, was,
nevertheless, very attentive to business, and always the
first at the council board. The Prince of Orange, who
esteemed him very highly, said to him one day, that ex-
cess of every kind was dangerous, and that he feared
that overwork and the pleasures of the table would soon
carry him to the grave. "Remember, my friend,"
added the Prince, "that the pitcher which goes often to
the well may be broken at last." "Never fear, your
highness," replied the other, "there is no risk.
My
WIT AND HUMOR.
31
pitcher never goes to the well, but only to the wine
cask."
MUCH LEARNING.
A STRANGER Visiting the library of a Brazilian prince,
and observing that the volumes were uncut, asked of
the librarian, "Does the prince often come here?"
"Never, sir." "What does he learn, then?" "That
he is the son of a king." "That is not much," observed
the stranger. "Nay," replied the librarian, "it is much,
considering how many in his position have forgotton
it."
A SINCERE BELIEVER.
A PEASANT, quite unaccustomed to theatrical amuse-
ments, was once present at the representation of a melo-
drama, in one of the scenes of which an assassin, con-
cealed behind the door, awaited the passing of his vic-
tim. As soon as the actress who represented the victim
made her appearance, the countryman started from his
seat and shouted, "Take care, madam! that old rascal is
behind the door, and is going to murder you!"
PLEASANT WISDOM.
SOME one said to a philosopher, "It is very pleasant
to obtain what one desires." "It is much pleasanter,"
replied the philosopher, "only to desire what one has."
A NECESSARY CHASTISEMENT.
ZONE maintained that man is subject to an inevitable
destiny. His servant, adopting the doctrine and its
consequences, yielded to an inclination for theft. When
discovered, he said, "I could not avoid my destiny,
which is to steal." "And also to be chastised," said
32
JOKES AND JESTS,
Zeno; who had no idea of allowing the thief to go un-
punished.
A SCANDALOUS COMEDY.
SOME days after the representation of Tartuffe had
been prohibited by an order of the French Parliament,
there was represented at court a very licentious farce,
entitled "Scaramouche the Hermit." The king who
was present when the latter was played, said to the great
Conde, when it was over, "I should like to know how
it is that people who are so scandalized at Moliere's
comedy make no objection to the Italian one?" "Sire,"
replied the prince, "The Italian piece only insults God,
while the French one laughs at the Pharisees."
A YEAR TOO LATE.
A NOBLEMAN went to a pawnbroker to borrow a thou-
sand pounds upon his wife's jewels, and said, "I want
you to take the stones out of the settings and put false
ones in their stead, as I do not wish her to know that I
have pawned them." "You are too late," said the pawn-
broker," "for I purchased the real stones of my lady
last year."
A PAPAL DISPENSATION.
A GASCON, who was endowed with a sufficient amount
of curiosity and knowledge of art, making some stay in
Rome, examined all the rarities it contains, and at
length said one day to the Pope, with whom he was ac-
quainted, "There is only one thing now, which I have
not seen in Rome the death of the Pope." "Sir," said
the holy father, "if you have made a vow to see that I
will willingly grant you dispensation.”
WIT AND HUMOR.
33
A HUNGRY JEST.
CARDINAL DE FLEURY had the reputation of giving
very meager repasts to his friends. One day he asked a
courtier who had been dining with him, whether he would
take any coffee. "No!" said the audacious wit, "I
never take it except when I have dined.”
EQUALLY DISCREET.
An indiscreet person confided an important secret to
another, and at the same time entreated him not to
repeat it.
"Do not be alarmed," said the other, "you
may be satisfied that I shall be as discreet as you are.”
THE KING'S OWN BOOK.
ELIZABETH, Queen of England, maintained that the
power of dissimilating was one of the qualities necessary
to a sovereign. A prelate, venturing one day to observe
to her, that, in a certain matter, of which he reminded
her, she had acted rather as a politician than as a
Christian, she replied, "I see very well that you have
read all the books of the Bible except that of Kings."
ON THE MARRIAGE OF JOHN SMITH TO JANE BELLOWS.
WHEN Hymen forged the chain which bound
This pair of happy fellows,
He hired a Smith to strike for him,
And Jane to blow the bellows.
A LEAN GOURMAND.
A YOUNG man, boasting in the presence of Aristippus
of the number of works he had read, the philosopher
observed, "It is not he that eats the most that is the
stoutest and most healthy, but he who digests the best.”
3
84
JOKES AND JESTS,
A SIGN OF AMITY.
THE Prince of Conti, father of the last of that name,
having asked the Abbe Voisenon to dinner, the latter
mistook the day and did not go. Next day a friend who
met him said, "The prince is in a great rage with you."
The academician did not fail to attend one of the prince's
levees for the purpose of making his peace with him.
As soon as his highness saw him, he turned his back
upon him; but the abbe cried out, "Ah! prince, how
grateful I am to you; for they told me that you were
angry with me, and now I see that it is not true!"
"What do you mean?" said the prince.
"Your high-
ness turns your back upon me, and I know that you
never do that to your enemies."
HOW TO SETTLE A BILL.
A TAILOR calling on P-- one day with his bill, found
him in bed. "Oh! it is you," said P-,"you have
come with your bill?" "Yes, sir, and I should like a
little money."
"Open my cabinet-do you see that
drawer?" The tailor drew it out-"No, not that one;
the other." The tailor opened a second drawer-"No!
no! the one underneath there, that is right. Do you
see what is in that drawer?"
papers," said the tailor."
"I see a great quantity of
"Yes! they are all bills!
Place yours with them." And so saying P— - turned
on his pillow.
TAKING THE WORDS OUT OF HIS MOUTH.
ONE individual accosted another at the corner of a
street in the middle of the night with a demand for "his
money or his life!" "Stop a bit!" replied the other,
"that is precisely what I was about to say myself!”
WIT AND HUMOR.
35
A PRINCE OUTWITTED.
BRUMMEL, that king of fashion, who died dethroned,
as so many other kings have done, hearing the Prince of
Wales one day make some disparaging remarks about
his strength, offering to bet him two thousand pounds,
that he would carry him on his shoulders from Hyde
Park Gate to the Tower of London, without stopping and
at the top of his speed. The wager was accepted, and
it was agreed that it should decided on the following
day at noon. "It is not a very good time," said the
prince, "because there will be so many people about;
but fortunately Brummel will not be able to go far.”
When Brummel, the Prince, and their umpires had
arrived on the ground, the former said, "The horse is
ready, let the rider prepare himself." "The rider is
prepared,” replied the prince. By no means," retorted
Brummel, "you must first take off your coat." “Why?”
"I undertook to carry your highness, but not your coat,
which would be an additional weight. It is only right
that we should keep to the letter of the bet." "Very
well, I have taken off my coat, and now let us set off."
"Wait a moment! you must take off your boots as
well." 66
My boots, also?" "Yes; and now remove
your cravat, your waiscoat, your
The prince
was compelled to admit that he had lost his bet, and
Brummel won his two thousand pounds.
HIGH THOUGHTS.
"2
A GASCON and a Parisian, having quarrelled, were
reconciled by mutual friends; when the Gascon observed,
"It is fortunate that you have found me in a pacific
mood, for if you had irritated me an atom more, I would
36
JOKES AND JESTS,
have thrown you so high in the air, that the flies would
have eaten you before you could have reached the
ground."
PRESENCE OF MIND.
M. RABUSSON, brother-in-law of M. Horace Vernet,
was a sub-lieutenant in a regiment of the line. The
Emperor Napoleon, during a review, let fall his hat,
which M. Rabusson hastened to restore to him. "Thank
you, captain!" said the Emperor, who had not noticed
the rank of him whom he addressed. "In what regi-
ment, Sire?" "Ah! you are right; in my Guard,"
replied Napoleon, smiling at his mistake, and at the sub-
lieutenant's readiness.
THE CASE WITH CLIENTS.
THREE lawyers, returning from the country in very
good spirits, met a wagoner; and, to make fun of him,
asked him, "Why his first horse was so fat whilst the
others were so lean." "It is," replied the wagoner,
who knew them, "because my first horse is a lawyer,
and the two others are his clients."
A PROOF OF FRIENDSHIP.
THE Emperor Augustus was always willing to accept
the hospitality of anyone who invited him. A citizen
asked him one day to sup with him, and gave him but
a very moderate repast: the master of the world had, in
fact, to put up with pot-luck. When he was about to
depart, the Emperor said to his host, "I did not think
we were on such friendly terms."
THE ONE AS TRUE AS THE OTHER.
A MAN boasted once that his sight was so acute, that
WIT AND HUMOR..
37
he could see a fly walking close to the top of a steeple.
"Well," said one of his companions, "I cannot see so
well as that, but my sense of hearing is so keen, that I
can hear the sound of your fly's footsteps."
A DISTINCTION ALMOST WITHOUT A DIFFERENCE.
AN ignorant wit going up to the University of Rheims
for the degree of master of arts, received it. Surprised
at the ease with which he had obtained the distinction,
he went again to the president and said, "Sir, as I am
here, I think I may as well have my horse made a master
of arts as well as myself." "Sir," replied the president,
"I am sorry that I cannot oblige you, for we only give
the degree to asses."
ON 'THE DEATH OF JOHN SETTLE, A BANKRUPT.
To settle his accounts John Settle tried,
But failing, grew unsettled, and so died.
CURED WITHOUT PHYSIC.
t
A PHYSICIAN, having written out a prescription,
enjoined his patient to swallow the whole of it in the
morning. The patient understood him literally, swal-
lowed the written prescription, and got well.
THE HAPPINESS OF IGNORANCE.
ONE of her dearest friends (dearest friends are apt to
do that kind of thing) showed one day to Madame du
Chatelet a pamphlet, in which she was shamefully
abused, and requested her to read it. "No!" she said;
“if the author has chosen to lose his time in writing it,
I will not be so foolish as to lose mine in reading it."
PRIDE IN RAGS.
A BEGGAR dressed in rags asked for alms. Some one
38
JOKES AND JESTS.
gave him a five-sous piece, and asked for three sous in
change. The gascon searched in his pockets, and, find-
ing nothing, exclaimed, "Good heavens! I must have
left my money at home when I changed my coat!"
A MODERATE PETITIONER.
LOUIS XI. was so afraid of death, that he enjoined the
priests who, by his orders, were continually offering up
prayers in his behalf, to ask for nothing of heaven for
him but health; and when, one day, he heard a priest
who was praying for him to some saint, unite the health
of the soul with that of the body in his
prayer, he inter-
rupted him, saying, "No; no! Do not ask too much
at once, lest the saint should think you exorbitant. Be
satisfied this time with praying for the health of my
body."
THE FARCE BEFORE THE COMEDY.
CHRISTINA, of Sweden, having made at Innspruck a
public abjuration of the Lutheran religion, the authori-
ties entertained her in the evening with a comedy;
whereupon she observed, "It is but right that they
should amuse me with a comedy, when I have just
amused them with a farce."
PAYING HER IN THE RIGHT COIN.
An actress who wished to impress Napoleon with the
idea that she was devotedly attached to him, entreated
him to give her his portrait. The Emperor, who knew
the value of her affection, at once presented her with a
five-franc piece.
BORROWED SWEETNESS.
A SAGE said to a morsel of earth which had attracted
WIT AND HUMOR.
39
:
his notice by its pleasant odor, "Are you amber?"
"No!" replied the morsel, "I am only common clay,
that have had the good fortune to live with the rose."
READING ARIGHT.
Two students, walking from Segovia to Salamanca,
came to a tomb-stone, on which was inscribed, "Be-
neath this stone lies the soul of the licenciate Pierre
Garcias." One of the young men, having made several
jokes on the absurdity of the idea of a soul being bur-
ied, passed on; but the other, conceiving that the
inscription had some wiser meaning than was at first
apparent, lifted up the stone and found beneath it a bag
of treasure, on which was inscribed, "You who have
been sufficiently acute to unravel the meaning of the in-
scription, be my heir, and make a better use of the
money than I did." The delighted student replaced the
stone, and went off rejoicing with the licenciate's soul.
SLANDERING THE ABSENT.
A VERY self-sufficient and foolish man said one day to
a lady, “I should certainly have succeeded rapidly and
brilliantly, if my cursed timidity, my absurd mod-
esty" "Nay! nay!" said the lady, interrupting him,
"do not speak such hard things of the absent."
A CONTRADICTION IN TERMS.
A QUAKER said, "I was once in company with a 'his
Excellence' and a 'his Highness.' Nothing could be
worse than his Excellence, and his Highness was only
four feet six."
A CONTEMPORANEOUS REGRET.
CARDINAL GRANVILLE once said to Philip II., the son
40
JOKES AND JESTS,
and successor of Charles V., "It is just a year since
your father abdicated his throne." "Yes!" replied the
new sovereign, "and it is just a year since he began to
be sorry he did so."
A SERVANT, BUT NOT AN EAVESDROPPER.
THE servant of a house which the famous French
actor Preville sometimes visited, obtained from him an
order for the theater. Some days after, the actor, pay-
ing another visit to the house, asked the man how he
had been amused. "Oh!" he cried, "the theater was
magnificent, and all the ladies and gentlemen were
superbly dressed." "But what did you think of what
the actors were doing?" "Oh! they were speaking
about their private affairs, so I didn't listen to them.”
A FAIR ACQUISITION.
AN impudent thief, kneeling in a confessional, stole
the watch of a priest who was confessing him. "Holy
Father," he said "I thieve!" "What do you mean
my son?" "I have just committed a robbery" (the
watch was already in his pocket). "Then you must
restore what you have stolen to the owner." "Well!
father, I will give it into your hands." "No! you must
not give it to me, but to him from whom you have
stolen it." "But he from whom I have stolen it will
not have it."
"Well, in that case, keep it."
GETTING OVER A DIFFICULTY.
A PATIENT, whom his medical attendant had ordered
to take seidlitz powders, making a grimace at the pre-
scription, the doctor observed, "It is only the first
which is so disagreeable." "Ah!" then," said the pa-
tient, "I will begin with the second."
WIT AND HUMOR.
41.
INSOLENCE REBUKED.
A LADY visiting one of her friends, did not find her
at home; but perceiving that the furniture of her room
was covered with dust, she wrote everywhere about the
word "Sloven." The following day she called again,
and said that she had been on the preceding day. "Yes,"
said her friend," I saw that you had left your name."
VERY CURIOUS.
ARLEQUIN said one day, "It is asserted that a glass of
wine gives strength, but I have just been drinking forty
and I can scarcely stand on my legs."
وو
FASTER THAN THE OTHERS.
IN 1814 the conduct of a French marshal who, ac-
cording to the phrase of the day, had taken the initia-
tive in defection, being severely commented on in the
presence of Talleyrand, the latter exclaimed, "Good
heavens! It was only that his watch went a little faster
than other people's."
A DOUBLE PURCHASE.
EMMA RING, a young milliner, being married to
James Bright, a wealthy sexagenarian, a wit wrote as
follows:
Jim bought the ring which pretty Emma wears,
The one he has she sold him, she declares.
68 NONE BUT HIMSELF CAN BE HIS PARALLEL.”
PRINCE TALLEYRAND's caustic tongue never spared
those who had offended him, foremost amongst whom
was Maret, Duke of Bassano. One day Talleyrand said
"I know only one person who is a greater fool than M.
Maret." "And who is that?" inquired some one.
"The Duke of Bassano!"
42
JOKES AND JESTS
SMART SPECULATION.
THE most libelous pamphlets were published about
Cardinal Mazarin, who, pretending to be exceedingly
irritated, collected as many copies as he could for the
purpose, as it was thought, of burning them. When he
had got possession of the whole he had them secretly
sold, and made several thousand pounds by the trans-
action.
VERY TERRIBLE.
A SPANIARD, more conceited than brave, said, "I dare
not look in the glass when I am armed; my appearance
is so terrible."
NO DOUBT OF IT.
A LAWYER Who wished to be jocose, said to Dean Swift,
"If the clergy and the Devil were to enter on a law
suit, which would have the best of it?" "The Devil,
undoubtedly,” replied Swift, "for he has all the lawyers
in his pay."
HER OWN FAULT.
""
QUEEN ELIZABETH, paying a visit to the Lord Chan-
cellor Bacon at his house in Hertfordshire, said to him,
"What a small house this is for so great a man as you.'
"Madam,” replied Bacon, "It is the fault of your
Majesty, who has made me too great for my house.”
PREPARING FOR DINNER.
Ar a certain dinner party, the conversation turned
upon a man who was an extraordinary eater, and many
examples were given of his voracity, till at length an
officer who was present said, "There is nothing very
surprising in all that, for I have a soldier in my regi-
ment, who, without the least exertion, can devour a
"
WIT AND HUMOR.
43
whole calf." As everyone exclaimed against this state-
ment, the officer offered a considerable bet on the sub-
ject, which was accepted by those present. On an ap-
pointed day the betters proceeded to a restaurant, where
the officer, in order to assist his eater's appetite, had
had the various parts of the calf dressed with different
sauces. The soldier sat down at the table, and the
dishes succeeded each other and were swallowed with
great rapidity. Everyone was filled with astonishment,
and those who had made the bet with the officer began
to tremble. The soldier had already devoured three-
fourths of the calf, when, turning towards his captain,
he said, “There! I think you had better have the calf
brought up now, or else I am not at all sure that I shall
be able to win your wager for you." The fact was, the
man thought that all he had hitherto eaten had only
been given him to excite his appetite.
A LONG RIVER.
Ar a reading of Bajazet, the reader commenced by
saying, "The scene is at Constantinople." "Ah!" ex-
claimed a lady, "I had no idea that the Seine flowed so
far as that."
MILITARY OBEDIENCE.
THE republican army of Mayence, attacked, in 1793,
by Charette and Bonchamp, had not been able to resist
the assaults of the Vendeans, and was retreating, after
having lost its cannon, exposed to the reiterated attacks
of an enemy far superior in number. The republicans
were on the point of being completely routed and hav-
ing their retreat cut off, when General Kleber said to
44
JOKES AND JESTS,
19
*
Lieutenant-Colonel Chouardin, "Take a company of
grenadiers, stop the enemy at yonder ravine, sacrifice
your life and you will save the rest of the army." "Yes,
general," replied Chouardin; and, immediately facing
about, he checked the progress of the Vendeans for a
considerable period, and perished with the hundred men
he commanded.
A MUNICIPAL VALUATION.
A PRINCE, passing through Nurehean, a country
famous for its good asses, was harangued by the mayor.
One of the suite, for the purpose of amusing the prince,
interrupted the civic functionary in the midst of his ad-
dress by saying, "What is the price of asses, monsieur?"
The mayor without being in the least disconcerted,
looked at his interrupter from head to foot, and saying,
"One of your size and breed would cost ten crowns,'
continued his address.
A REASON FOR BREVITY.
""
""
THE authorities of Marseilles, wishing to show off
their learning before Henry IV., commenced an address
by saying, "When Hannibal set out from Carthage-
"When Hannibal set out from Carthage," interrupted
the king," "he had dined, and if you please I wish to
do the same."
A PARLIAMENTARY PROMISE.
A PRESIDENT of the French Parliament being com-
pelled, according to custom, to deliver an address to
the infant Duke of Burgundy in his cradle, contented
himself with saying, "We have come, your Highness,
to offer you our respects; our children will offer you
their devotion."
WIT AND HUMOR.
45
WRONG IN ONE POINT AT LEAST.
THE Count de Grammont, who died in 1707, eighty,
six
years old, carefully concealed his age. One day he
was dining with Louis XIV., together with the Bishop
of Senlis, when the king asked the Bishop how old he
thought the Count to be. "Sire," replied he, “I am
eighty-three, and the Count must be at least as old, for
we studied together." "The bishop is wrong cried
Grammont, "for neither he nor I ever studied."
A USELESS DISGUISE.
THE custom of burying deceased persons in the habit
of some monastic order, lasted in France till towards
the middle of the 16th century. A great lord who had
violently seized the farm of one of his vassals, died
about that time, and was buried in the dress of the or-
der of St. Francis. "Ah!" cried the vassal whom he
had dispoiled, "it is all very well for you to disguise
yourself in that way, but God will recognize you all the
same!"
A SOLDIER'S ALTERNATIVE.
AT the disastrous battle of Chiari, Catinat, although
wounded, did all he could to rally the troops. "What
do
you wish us to do?" said one of his officers.
advance is death?" "And to fly, disgrace," replied
"To
-
Catinat.
LOOKING BEHIND HIM.
AN officer in the service of Louis XII. boasted much
of the services he had rendered, and asserted that
much was due to him on account of a wound that he
had received in his face. When this was repeated to
46
JOKES AND JESTS,
him, Louis XII., who knew that the man was far from
brave, said, "It is his own fault if he has been wounded.
Why did he look behind him?"
ANSWERED AT LAST.
THE Count d'Arlet, passing by Lyons, was taken into
the presence of the king's lieutenant, who, not knowing
him, received him in a very haughty manner, and said
to him, “Friend, as you have just arrived from Paris,
tell me what they are saying there?" "Masses," replied
the Count. "Yes, yes! But what is the general rumor?"
"That of the carts and coaches." "But I mean, what
is there fresh there?" "Green pears." The lieutenant,
astonished that anyone should venture to answer him in
this way, said, “Friend, what is your name?" "Fools
at Lyons call me friend, but in Paris I am styled the
Count d'Arlet."
A REASONABLE OBJECTION.
FENELON always refused to ride in a carriage. Being
asked the reason for this, he replied, "I am so afraid
that, if I were riding in a carriage, I might meet per-
sons better than myself, on foot.”
UNREASONABLE MALICE.
SOME one said to a man of the world, "So-and-so has
been speaking ill of you." "I am surprised at that,"
replied the latter, "for I never did him any service."
MAKING THE BEST OF IT.
GONSALVO, of Cordova, one of the generals of Ferdi-
nand, the King of Aragon, seeing in the course of a
battle one of his powder magazines exploded by one of
the enemy's shot, exclaimed to his soldiers, "My boys,
WIT AND HUMOR.
47
the victory is ours; for Heaven itself declares by this
sign that we shall have no more need of artillery!" The
confidence of the general was shared by his troops, and
led them on to victory.
A FAIR EXCHANGE.
Ir is but too usual for men and women of the world,
when knowledge is confined to its conventionalities, to
despise those who are ignorant of them. But there was
nothing of this sort of feeling about the Duke of Bur-
gundy, who, in 1702, was at the head of the French
army in France. An old officer, who was far better
acquainted with the duties of a soldier than with the
manners of the court, sat down at the prince's table
without having received permission to do so. Having
been informed of his breach of etiquette, he begged the
duke's pardon, when the latter pleasantly replied, "Sir,
you shall sup with me this evening. I will teach you
the ways of the court, and you will teach me how to
fight."
AN UNNECESSARY APOLOGY.
A MORE mortifying remark was scarcely ever made to
another, perhaps, than that which Fontenelle made
to a man who, having need of his assistance, came to him
to apologize for having written a pamphlet against him.
"Sir," said the philosopher, "this is the first time I have
heard of it."
ALTOGETHER MISTAKEN.
ONE of the deputies of the French Convention, having
been sent on a mission to the republican armies, directed
General Perignon to arrest an officer who, he said, was
an aristocrat. "The officer,” replied Perignon, “whom
48
JOKES AND JESTS,
a
you wish me to arrest as an aristocrat, was killed yester-
day whilst fighting in the cause of liberty.”
CASTLES IN SPAIN.
MADAME DE VILLARS, who disliked Spain, where she
had resided as lady in waiting to the Queen of Spain
(Mary Louise of Orleans), said, "It is all very well to
build castles in Spain when you are in France; but when
you are in Spain you have not the least desire to do so."
LOFTY INDIGNATION.
THE Abbe Chauvelin, who was very short, ridiculously
misshapen, and very choleric, threatened one day to beat
a poet who had made an epigram about him. "Ah! M.
Abbe," said the poet, "are you going to break my ankle-
bones."
TRUTH ON BOTH SIDES.
DIOGENES, washing his cabbages, cried out to Aristip-
pus, "If you could eat cabbages you would not have to
pay court to the great." "And you," replied Aristippus,
"If you knew how to pay court to the great would not
have to eat cabbages.'
FORTUNATE TO THE LAST.
BEAUMARCHAIS presented a host of singularities in an
age which was itself one of the greatest of all singulari-
ties. He acquired an immense fortune without having
either place or employment; he made numerous specu-
lations while living as a man of ease and leisure; he ob-
tained the greatest celebrity by means which in the case
of any
other man would have been ridiculous; and,
finally, he was successful on the stage to an hitherto
unheard of degree with pieces of a very second or third-
WIT AND HUMOR.
49
rate kind. Such a constant course of good luck gave rise
to the saying, "Beaumarchais will be fortunate to the
end; he will be hung but the cord will break.”
A SLY INSINUATION.
LOUIS XV. Showing a horse to the Grand Prior told
him that the owner wished to sell it to him as a Turkish
barb, and asked him whether he thought that it really
was a Turk. “Oh! sire,” replied the Grand Prior, “it
is as much a Christian as you or I."
TWO FOR ONE.
LE SAGE, the author of Gil Blas, before putting his play
named Turcaret on the stage, promised the Duchess de
Bouillon to read it to her. It was arranged that the
reading should take place on a certain day before dinner;
but, some important affairs having detained the author,
he arrived late, when the Duchess received him with an
air of the most haughty impatience. "You have made
me lose an hour in waiting for you," said she.
“Well,
madame," coolly replied Le Sage, "I will save you two;"
and, making his bow, he walked off, refusing to return
although the duchess followed him even to the staircase
with entreaties that he would do so.
RATHER SEVERE.
A DULL writer presented an epitaph for Moliere to the
Grand Conde, the latter observed, "I would rather it
was Moliere who presented me with yours."
AN UNACCEPTABLE COMPOSITION.
A PEASANT having been taken in the act of stealing
pears, the proprietor of the orchard said to him, with a
4
50
JOKES AND JESTS.
smile, "Come now, let us come to an arrangement. How
many pears a year shall I give you on condition that you
do not rob me any more?—a hundred?" "Oh! my good-
ness! no!" replied the thief, "I should lose by that!"
RIDING THE WRONG HORSE.
THE Abbe de Morolles, wishing to sell a worthless
horse, mounted it for the purpose of showing its paces,
but only succeeded in proving that it was a worthless
screw; upon which the intending purchaser exclaimed,
"My worthy Abbe, when you wish to deceive me you
must mount the pulpit and not a horse."
DISTURBING THOUGHTS.
In his youth the Chancellor Seguier had become a
monk, and as he found himself continually tormented
by temptations which solitude by no means rendered less
vehement, the superior gave him leave, whenever he
should find himself particularly hard pressed by sinful
thoughts, to ring the convent bell in order to warn his
brother monks to offer up prayers that he might obtain
the victory over the evil spirit. The young monk, how-
ever, so frequently had recourse to this expedient, that
the neighborhood complained of it, and the innocent
exercise had to be interdicted.
A REASON FOR NOT MOURNING.
AN English cobbler, who increased his income by
attending funerals as a mourner, went one day to an
acquaintance and said, "Tom, will you do me a favor?”
"What is it?" "I want you to be mourner instead of
me at the funeral of Carswell, the banker."
"Why
WIT AND HUMOR.
51
don't you go yourself?" "Oh! I can't go to-day; for
my wife died this morning."
NOT WHAT THEY EXPECTED.
THE celebrated Doctor Dumoulin being surrounded in
his last moments by many of his fellow physicians who
deplored his loss, said to them, "Gentlemen, I leave
behind me three great physicians." Every one think-
ing himself to be one of the three pressed him to name
them; upon which he replied, "Cleanliness, exercise, and
moderation in eating."
THE EXODUS OF THE PHILOSOPHERS.
A GREEK and a Venetian disputing as to the relative
excellence of their several nations; the Greek, to prove
that his own surpassed all others, said, "That it was
from Greece that all sages and philosophers had come."
"That may be true," replied the Venetian, "for there
are none there now."
A REASON FOR SURPRISE.
A MAN who was infatuated with the study of astrol-
ogy, arguing with Barclay, the mathematician, on the
subject, represented to him how many astrological pre-
dictions had been justified by the event. "I am not at
all astonished at that," replied the mathematician, “but
only surprised that, considering the number of predic-
tions the astrologers have published, more of them have
not come true."
WEIGHT PREFERRED TO FASHION.
A GENTLEMAN, who was extremely handsome, having
married a girl who was very ugly but very rich, some
of his friends remonstrated with him on the choice he
52
JOKES AND JESTS.
had made. "There is nothing at all extraordinary in
it," he replied; "I have made my purchase by weight,
and did not think it necessary to consider its fashion."
AN ABSTRUSE CALCULATION.
THE proprietor of some pasture grounds wrote over
the gate of his enclosure, "Excellent pasture for horses
with long tails and manes at a shilling a day, and for
horses with short, tails and manes at sixpence a day."
When questioned as to the reason for this difference of
price, it turned out that the worthy man had calculated
that horses with short manes and tails, being tormented
by the flies, would only eat half as much as those which
possessed the means of driving them off.
A LOST GAME.
THE Marquis of L— who was an inveterate gambler,
not having appeared at any gainbling table for a fort-
night, one of his acquaintances asked him the cause of
this abstinence from his favorite pursuit. "Oh, do not
speak of such things to me," he exclaimed, "I have lost
my wife!"
"At what game?" inquired his friend.
FOLLOWING A GREAT EXAMPLE.
WHEN the death of Talleyrand was announced to one
of his acquaintances, the latter exclaimed, "He must
have had some good reason for dying! I think I will be
at least ill myself;" and he forthwith went to bed.
A JUST PENANCE.
POPE BENEDICT XIV, having resolved one day to
punish the prelate charged with the cleansing of the
streets of Rome, betook himself to one of its foulest and
WIT AND HUMOR.
53
narrowest streets when he knew that the bishop in ques-
tion was about to pass through it, and there awaited
him. The custom there was for anyone coming into
the presence of his holiness to descend from his carriage
to receive his benediction kneeling on the ground. The
pontiff kept the prelate kneeling a good half hour in
the mud.
THE RULE OF CONTRARIES.-
A GASCON once said, "There are two inconveniences
attending the mud of Paris. In the first place, it makes
black stains on white stockings, and white stains on
black stockings."
A NATURAL OBJECTION.
A VERY haughty-looking man having entered a res-
taurant one day, said to the proprietor, "If you do not
make that man leave who is dining alone at the table in
the corner, it will be impossible for any respectable per-
son to come here any more." "Why, sir?" "Because
he is the executioner of R.” The host, very much
embarrassed, hesitated for a moment, but at length ac-
costed the person who had been thus pointed out to
him, and with many excuses explained that his profes-
sion rendered it impossible that he should remain there.
"And who has recognized me, then?"
"The gentle-
man over there."
"Ah! no wonder! for it is only two
years since it was my duty to flog and brand him."
WEAR IT WHO WILL.
ONE day when the little Father Andre was declaim-
ing in the pulpit against the wickedness of his congrega-
tion, he said, "There is one amongst you so wicked that
54
JOKES AND JESTS,
I will not name him, for my Christian charity forbids it.
And yet, why should I show such tenderness to vice?
As I must not name him, I will throw my cap at him,
in order that you may know him." Then, feigning to
throw his cap, he exclaimed, "See! that is the infamous
person I mean!" Each man of the congregation, fancy-
ing that the cap was about to be thrown at himself,
bobbed his head to avoid it, and then the pastor said,
"Good heavens! I thought that there had been but one
such wicked person present, but I see that most of you
are no better than the person I alluded to."
JUDICIOUS SLANDER.
DURING the Revolution of 1789, as Madame de Po-
lignac was flying from Versailles, her carriage was stop-
ped at Sens. Its occupants were examined and ques-
tioned as to what was happening in Paris. The women
grew pale and trembled; but the presence of mind of
the Abbe de Laliviere, the queen's almoner, who was
one of the fugitives, saved the party. "Good news,"
he cried, "M. Necker is recalled, the ministers and the
army are dismissed; all that rascally band of Polignacs
is in flight." The Abbe was loudly applauded, and for
more than half a league had to utter innumerable im-
precations against the family with which he was flying.
GRATITUDE ON THE SLIDING SCALE.
FRANCIS I. had the candor to say that, at the conclu-
sion of a brilliant campaign, the most distinguished
officers were received at court the first day as kings, the
second as princes, and the third as mere soldiers.
WIT AND HUMOR.
55
WHO BEATS THE BEST IS BEST.
HANNIBAL, discoursing with Scipio on the subject of
great military commanders, said that Alexander was the
first, Pyrrhus the second, and himself the third. "And
where would you have placed yourself if you had van-
quished me?" asked Scipio, smiling. "Before them all,"
replied Hannibal.
DANGERS OF CENTRALIZATION.
WHEN the Czar, Peter the Great, was in Paris, and
was asked what he thought of the capital, "If I had
one like it,” he replied, "I should be tempted to set it
on fire, lest it should absorb all the rest of my empire."
DISCRETION THE BETTER PART OF VALOR.
THE Marquis of Uxelles, who afterwards was made a
marshal, having surrendered, in 1689, to the Prince
Charles de Lorraine, the town of Mayence, after he had
defended it during fifty days, went to render an account
of his conduct to Louis XIV., by whom he feared to be
reproached, and threw himself at his feet. "Rise, mar-
quis," said the king. "You defended the place like a
brave man, and surrendered it like a wise one."
MONKS UNDER OBLIGATION TO HORSES.
CARDINAL P——, whom Benedict XIV. had appoint-
ed to the important post of "Secretary of Briefs,”. des-
pised monks from the depths of his heart. The Capu-
chins of Rome never failed to salute his horses when-
ever they met them, and when asked the reason of this
proceeding, replied, "We do it out of gratitude; for if
it were not for those poor animals his eminence would
make the Capuchins draw his carriage."
""
56
JOKES AND JESTS.
+
CONVENIENT COLDS.
WHEN the cardinals are assembled in conclave for the
election of a Pope it is noticed that they all of them
have severe colds, but that as soon as one is elected he
becomes suddenly quite well.
SHARP ENOUGH WITHOUT IT.
In the church of Rosebic, in Denmark, there is shown
a stone for sharpening needles, which Albert, King of
Sweden, sent to the celebrated Margaret, daughter of
Waldemar III., in order, he said, that by keeping it
constantly before her eyes she might never forget what
are the proper employments of women. "I accept it,"
replied the courageous princess, and will use it to sharpen
the swords of my soldiers with." And, in fact, she
made Albert prisoner, and forced him to surrender his
crown.
LOOK AT HOME.
LOUIS XIV. sent to Rome for the celebrated Bernini,
and engaged him to rectify the plans which Claude
Perrault, so unjustly ridiculed by Despreaux, had pre-
sented to him for the completion of the Louvre. When
the Italian architect had examined the drawings of the
Frenchman, he observed, "It was not worth while to
send to Italy for an architect when you have such a
one at home."
A PURIFYING PROCESS.
COUNTE BUSSY RABUTIN, wishing to give an idea of
the exquisite delicacy of Madame de Sevigne, said, “The
air which she exhales is purer than that which she
breathes."
WIT AND HUMOR.
57
AN ILL-NATURED REMARK.
peo-
An ill-natured philosopher has observed, that old
ple are fond of giving good advice, to console themselves
for being no longer able to set a bad example.
FAITHLESS FOR THE FAITH'S SAKE.
DUQUESNE, one of the most illustrious sailors of his
age, who rendered such distinguished services to France,
gained three naval victories over the Dutch, and fitted
out many ships of war at his own expense, did not
receive the reward due to his numerous exploits because
he was a Calvinist. When Louis XIV. frankly ac-
knowledged to him that this was the reason why he was
not advanced, the gallant sailor had the boldness to
reply, "When I fought for you I never paused to con-
sider whether your religion was different from my own."
A GOOD OFFER.
VERY brief and noble was the address delivered by
the Duke de Grammont to the King of Spain,
when he demanded of him in the name of the King of
France the Infanta his daughter. "Sire," he said, "the
king, my master, offers you peace." Then, turning
towards the princess, he added, " And to you, madame,
his heart and his crown."
A GOOD ANSWER.
A NOBLEMAN of the court of France, taking leave of
Louis XIV., who was sending him as ambassador to
another sovereign, the monarch said to him, "The chief
direction I have to give you, is to pursue a course of
conduct entirely different from that of your predecessor.”
58
JOKES AND JESTS.
A
"Sire," replied the new ambassador, "I trust that I
shall act so that your majesty will not have to give
similar instructions to my successor.
""
NOT MUCH TO TAKE CARE OF.
A PRUDE one day said before an actress, in a tone that
was evidently meant to be offensively personal to the
latter, "For my part, I am very careful about my
reputation. My dear friend," replied the actress,
"you are always so particular about trifles.”
""
66
A DANGEROUS CHILD'S TOY.
Or all who have borne the title of Marshal of France,
Boucicault obtained it at the earliest age. He was only
twenty-six when Charles VI. conferred it on him, and
scarcely twelve when he made his first campaign under
Duguesclin, and took part in the battle of Rosebecque. In
this battle he engaged in a hand-to-hand conflict with a
gigantic Fleming, who soon knocked his battle-ax out of
his hand, and said to him, " Go and eat your pap,
for I see
that France, having no men, sends children to the wars."
Boucicault, furious, drew his dagger, and having stretched
the Fleming mortally wounded on the ground, said, “I
should like to know whether the children of your country
play with such toys as these."
EASY CONTENTMENT.
THE true method of being rich, said Seneca, is to put
up contentedly with poverty. It is to be presumed that
the philosopher had his feet warm when he wrote this
fine sentiment, and that he would not have expressed
himself so loftily if he had had his feet thrust naked into
a pair of wooden shoes on a winter's day.
WIT AND HUMOR.
59
DANTE EPITOMIZED.
A FRENCH bishop said that the paradise of an author
was composition, the revision of his works his purgatory,
and the correction of his proofs his hell.
MANY OF THAT OPINION.
A POETASTER, reading some of his verses to a friend,
who sneered at them, said, "They are only fools who do
not like my verses." Whereupon the other replied, in
the language of Solomon, "Stultorum infinitus est nu-
merus" (the number of fools is infinite).
TOO SEVERE.
LA HARPE threatened an acquaintance who, in his
opinion, had done him some injury, to represent him on
the stage. "Ah!" exclaimed the other, "that would be a
cruel vengeance, for I should be sure to be hissed."
SLOTHFULNESS ACCOUNTED FOR.
A GASCON gentleman named Bouse, being rallied by
his acquaintance on account of the lateness of the hour at
which he generally rose, made the following excuse: "I
have,” said he, "to listen every morning to a debate
between idleness and industry. Diligence exhorts me to
rise and employ myself in some useful occupation, whilst
idleness maintains that it is very pleasant to lie in a
warm bed, and that repose is better than labor. Whilst
they are thus disputing, I listen until they shall have
brought their arguments to a close, and this is the rea-
son why I remain in bed so long."
A SHORT REMAINDER.
CARDINAL BELLOY, archbishop of Paris, was ninety-six
60
JOKES AND JESTS,
years old when Napoleon, who was astonished to find
him in such a robust state of health, said to him one
day, "Why, Cardinal, you will live to be a hundred!"
"Sire," replied the cardinal, "do you limit the remainder
my life to four years?"
of
A GENERAL HANGING.
He who said that every one who gave utterance to
slanders ought to be hung by the tongue, and that every
one who listened to them ought to be hung up by the
ears, simply implied that the whole human race ought
to be destroyed.
A DUNCE'S COMPLIMENT.
LOUIS XIV., having gained a victory, the Duke du
Maine, his natural son, said to him, with the utmost
refinement of flattery, "Sire, I shall never be anything
but an ignorant dunce, for whenever you gain a victory
my tutor gives me a holiday."
AN IDLE EXCUSE.
MARIVAUX being solicited for alms by a man who
appeared to be in the best of health, said to him, "But
why do you not work, you seem to be perfectly strong
enough?” “Ah, sir!" replied the beggar, "that is per-
fectly true; but then I am so idle!" Prevailed upon by
his frankness, if not overcome by his logic, Marivaux at
once gave him a crown.
BELIEF.
POPE said that it was with our opinions as with our
watches, none of them go alike, and yet each man believes
in his own.
WIT AND HUMOR.
61
A COMMON TRUTH.
A PEASANT going to consult an oculist found him at
the dinner-table, eating and drinking as hard as he could
"What shall I do for my eyes?" he asked. "Abstain
from wine," replied the oculist. "But," said the peas-
ant, drawing a little closer to the table, "as far as I can
see, your eyes are in no better state than mine, and yet
drink." "Perfectly true. But that is simply because
I would rather drink than cure my eyes.
you
LESS THAN NOTHING.
وو
A YOUNG man who had resolved to become a physician,
informed Voltaire of his design. "Miserable creature!"
exclaimed the philosopher, "you are going to pour drugs,
of which you know nothing, into bodies of which you
know less."
CONSCIOUS OF THE THORNS.
MILTON's third wife was very bad-tempered, but had
such a delicate skin and such an exquisite complexion,
that a French gentleman, paying a visit to the author of
"Paradise Lost," said to him, "Mr. Milton, your wife
is as fresh as a rose." "That may be,” replied the poet,
with a sigh, "but unfortunately I am blind, and only
conscious of the thorns."
DEARTH OF GENTLEMEN IN ENGLAND.
FRANKLIN was fond of repeating an observation made
by his negro, to whom he had explained, when in Lon-
don, what is meant in England by the term "gentle-
man." "Master," said the African, "everyone and
everything works in this country; the water works, the
62
JOKES AND JESTS,
wind works, the fire works, the smoke works, the dogs
work, the men work, everything works except the pig,
which does nothing but eat, drink, and sleep all day.
The pig, then, must be the only gentleman in England."
MAKING THEM FOR OTHERS.
IT has been well remarked, that moralists as little
think of putting all their maxims into practice, as shoe-
makers think of wearing all the boots and shoes they
make.
STOPPED AT THE RIGHT POINT.
APELLES having exposed one of his pictures to public
criticism, a cobbler blamed the fashion of a boot in the
picture; and the artist, who saw that his remarks were
just, altered it. Proud of this success, the artisan next
begun to criticise a leg. "No! no!" cried the artist,
"the cobbler should never go beyond his last."
NOT AT ALL DIFFICULT.
A MINOR Prince of Italy, having sent to order a
stranger to leave his States within twenty-four hours,
"He does me too much favor," replied the latter, "for
it would only take me three-quarters of an hour to get
from any part of them.”
A SPECIFIC FOR EARLY RISING.
THE editor of an American newspaper says that the
girls in Connecticut, who are remarkable for their indus-
try, drink about a pint of yeast before going to bed at
night, to make them rise early in the morning.
THE MODESTY OF BEAUTY.
AN Italian has said, "There is a beautiful statute in
WIT AND HUMOR.
63
every block of marble, but the difficulty is to persuade
it to come out.”
SMALL ENOUGH AND LARGE ENOUGH.
A HALF-FAMISHED fellow in the Southern States tells
of a baker (whose loaves had been growing "small by
degrees, and beautifully less,") who, when going his
rounds to serve his customers, stopped at the door of one
and knocked, when the lady within exclaimed, “Who's
there?" and was answered, "The baker." "What do
you want?" "To leave your bread.'
bread." "Well, you needn't
make such a fuss about it; put it through the keyhole."
.
ON OSTENTATION.
WHEN I go to church and see a gentleman drop a sov-
ereign into the plate, and then look up to catch the
approving glance of his neighbor, I wonder if the sov-
ereign is like himself a counterfeit.
A WRONG RECKONING.
Ar a christening, while the minister was filling up
the certificate, he forgot the date, and happened to say:
"Let me see, this is the 30th." “The thirtieth!” ex-
claimed the indignant mother; "indeed, but it's only the
eleventh!"
THE VOICE OF THE FOUR WINDS.
AN Eastern editor says that a man in New York got
himself into trouble by marrying two wives. A West-
ern editor replies by assuring his contemporary that a
good many men in that section had done the same thing
by marrying one. A Northern editor retorts that quite
a number of his acquaintances found trouble by barely
64
JOKES AND JESTS,
!
promising to marry, without going any further. A South-
ern editor says that a friend of his was bothered enough
when simply found in company with another man's wife.
A DESIRABLE DENOUEMENT.
A PLAYER, performing the Ghost in "Hamlet" very
badly, was hissed. After bearing this a good while, he
put the audience in good humor by stepping forward and
saying, “Ladies and gentlemen, I am extremely sorry
that my humble endeavors to please are unsuccessful;
but if you are not satisfied I must give up the ghost."
LIGHT TO SEE LIGHT.
A CELEBRATED American judge had a very stingy wife.
On one occasion she received his friends in the drawing-
room with a single candle. "Be pleased, my dear," said
his lordship, "to let us have a second candle, that we
may see where the other stands."
A COUPLE OF REASONS TOO MANY.
A DRAFTED American called upon one of the States'
lawyers, and desired to have papers prepared claiming
exemption from military service, for the several reasons
which he named. 1. That he was the only son of a
widow depending upon him for support. 2. That his
father was in such infirm health as to be unable to get
his own living; and, 3, That he had two brothers already
in the service. All of which facts Patrick desired then
and there to verify by affidavit. The lawyer reminded
his client of the story of a man in Vermont who was
sued for returning a borrowed kettle in a damaged con-
dition, and who pleaded in defence—first, that the kettle
}
WIT AND HUMOR.
65
was sound when he returned it; secondly, that it was.
cracked when he borrowed it; and thirdly, that he never
had the kettle. Patrick grinned a ghastly smile, and
withdrew his application.
THE GREATEST CORN GROWERS.
SOME one has said, that the greatest corn-growers in
the civilized world are tight boots.
"PREACH SMALL."
A LITTLE girl, seven years old, said, "Mother I could
not understand our minister to-day, he said so many hard
words; I wish he would preach so that little girls could
understand him. Won't he, mother?” "Yes, I think
so, if we ask him." Soon after her father saw her going
to the minister's. "Where are are you going, Emma?"
said he. "I am going over to Mr.
to preach small."
HOW ADVICE IS PAID FOR.
-'s, to ask him
LOCKE once said, "I was formerly in the habit of
offering my friends such advice as I thought might be
useful to them; but I have renounced that habit, because
I find that, instead of stretching out their hands to
receive advice, people are apt to extend their claws."
PROOF INITIALS.
IN a Court of Justice at New Orleans, an action was
brought in reference to a coat which was claimed by two
Irishmen, Patrick Power and Timothy Maguire. After
much wrangling, Patrick Power proposed that he and
his opponent should see whose name was on the coat.
Timothy searched in vain, and the coat was handed to
5
66
JOKES AND JESTS,
Pat, who immediately took his knife, opened a corner
of the coat, and out dropped two small peas. "There,
d'ye see that, now!" "Yes; but what of that?"
"A
dale it has to do with it; it is my name to be sure-pea
for Patrick, and pea for Power." The coat was awarded
to Patrick.
WHEN young
told him that it
YOUTHFUL MODERATION.
!
Jeff. first came up to town, his father
would be polite, when being helped at
dinner, to say to the host, "Half that, if you please.”
It so happened that, at the first dinner to which he was
invited, a sucking-pig was one of the dishes. The host,
pointing with his knife to the young porker, asked,
“Well, Mr. Jeff., will you have this, our favorite dish,
or haunch of mutton?" Upon which, recollecting his
first lesson, he replied, "Half that, if you please," to
the consternation of all present.
A FAIR ARRANGEMENT.
Ar the period of the great crisis of the seven years'
war, one of the soldiers of Frederic II. deserted, and,
having been taken, was brought before him. "Why did
you wish to leave me?" asked the king. "Because, sir,"
replied the soldier, "your affairs are in such a bad con-
dition, that I thought it was high time to abandon you."
"Well, remain till after the battle to-morrow, and if
they are not better, we will desert together."
PRECEPT AND EXAMPLE.
A CHILD, walking with his tutor, stole an apple from
a stall in the street. His instructor having witnessed
the theft gave his young charge a severe lesson on the
WIT AND HUMOR.
67
heinousness of stealing, and then, snatching the apple
from him, quietly eat it. This is an abridgement of the
greater part of all history.
A STRONG ILLUSTRATION.
TALLEYRAND's face was so immovable in its expres-
sion, that Murat once said, "If whilst you were in con-
versation with him he were to receive a kick from be-
hind, you would never be able to tell it by any change
in his countenance."
ON JOHN LOW, A SUCCESSFUL MERCHANT.
THOUGH lowly born, he mingled with the high,
But all in vain, for low he here doth lie.
A HINT FOR THE SERVANTS' HALL.
A FRIEND paying a visit to Fontenelle one day, found
him in very bad humor. "What is the matter?" he
said. "What is the matter? Why, I have only one
servant, and I am waited on as badly as though I had
twenty."
INSTINCTIVE KNOWLEDGE.
THE most innocent of girls, says Florian, knows that
a man is in love with her shortly before he knows it
himself.
FORCE OF IMAGINATION.
Ar the time when the financial schemes of the adven-
venturer Law were adopted in France, the physician
Chirse going to visit one of his patients, met a man who
informed him that the Mississippi bonds, of which Chirse
held a great number, were at a heavy discount. Whilst
he was seated by his patient's bedside, feeling his pulse,
68
JOKES AND JESTS,
Chirse remarked with a groan, "Ah! still lower, and
lower, and lower!" At these words the sick man ut-
tered cries which brought his attendants to him. "Oh!
I am dying," he exclaimed, "for M. Chirse has three
times declared that my pulse is becoming lower!" The
doctor, recovering himself, rose and said, "Nonsense!
your pulse is all right, and you are getting on very well·
I was speaking of the Mississippi bonds."
A WAYWARD THEOLOGIAN.
ISAAC VOSSIUS, born in Leyden in 1616, loved the
marvelous, and was naturally inclined to believe in it,
but he was far less docile in regard to matters of faith,
and Charles II. said of him, "This theologian believes
in everything but the Bible.”
SPARING A THIEF'S FEELINGS.
ALPHONSO, King of Arragon, paid a visit one day to
a jeweler's with a crowd of his courtiers, and had scarce-
ly left the shop when the proprietor ran after him to
complain that he had been just robbed of a valuable
diamond. The king returned to the shop with his
courtiers, and had a large basin brought filled with
bran. He then ordered each of his courtiers to plunge
his hand, closed, into the bran, and to bring it out open,
at once setting the example himself. When everyone
had done so, he had the bran emptied out, and the dia-
mond was found amongst it.
AN IMPOSSIBLE PRESCRIPTION.
A FAMOUS French physician, who died in 1742 at
Paris, having been consulted by a patient who suffered
WIT AND HUMOR.
69
under a confirmed melancholy, said to him, "I advise
you to go and see Arlequin (a famous comedian); it is
the best prescription I can give for dissipating melan-
choly." Unfortunately this advice was given to the
only man who could not take advantage of it, for the
patient was Arlequin himself.
A DESERVED ENCORE.
FBEDERIC, King of Sweden, of the House of Hesse-
Cassel, passing one day by a village, the minister of the
parish was anxious to present him with an address; but
fearing that the monarch, already satisfied with ad-
dresses and long harangues, would pay little attention
to what he might say, he resolved to sing to him some
verses of his own composition. The king, much aston-
ished at this mode of address, listened with open ears,
and, finding the verses good, said "Encore!" The min-
ister hastened to repeat them, and the monarch pre-
sented him with fifty ducats. Then the singer, with a
low bow, said in his turn, "Encore," and the king was
so pleased with this sally that he doubled the present.
A GREAT HEART.
•
A GASCON once said, “Good heavens! a duel is more
dangerous for me than for other people; for I am all
heart, and wherever I may receive a wound it must
prove fatal."
CALLING IN OLD DEBTS.
A ROMAN prince, complaining to Carlo Maratti of
the dearness of his pictures, the painter replied, "The
famous artists who preceded me having been very badly
70
JOKES AND JESTS,
paid, the whole world is indebted to them, and I have
come to receive the arrears."
A POOR CONSOLATION.
To console the wife of Marshal Villeroy after the bat-
tle of Ramillies, which was in all probability lost by the
errors committed by her husband and her son, some one
said to her, "At any rate the marshal and the young
duke are well!" "Ah!" she replied, "that may console
me, but it cannot console them."
AN IMPERIAL PRESENT.
An informer went to the Emperor Julian to tell him
that one of his fellow-citizens was aiming at becoming
emperor. "What proof have you of that?” said the
Emperor. "He has had a coat made of the imperial
purple." "Give to this gossip," said the emperor to his
treasurer, "a pair of purple hose to take to him whom
he has been denouncing, so that his coat and hose may
be alike."
YOUNG AND OLD.
DOCTOR LABROSSE was fond of pretending to read the
stars. The young Duke de Vendome, who had great
confidence in his astrological skill, went one day to
Henry IV. and told him that Labrosse had said that the
king had better be on his guard on such a day, as it was
of bad augury for him. "Labrosse," replied the king,
is an old fool for studying astronomy, and the Duke de
Vendome is a young one for believing in it.”
A HOME THRUST.
THE King of Prussia, Frederick II., was a decided
WIT AND HUMOR.
71
apostle of atheism. He was boasting one day of his
disbelief in a God in the presence of Arnand Baculari,
when the latter ventured to controvert his views.
“What,” said the king, "do you really believe in such
follies?" "Yes, sire," said the man of letters, "I am
compelled to believe that there is some being superior
to kings."
A QUARTER OF AN HOUR TOO LATE.
TRIBOULET, Jester at the Court of Francis I., having
been threatened severe punishment by a great nobleman
of whom he had spoken somewhat too freely, complained
to the king. "If any one dares to harm you," said the
monarch,” I will hang him a quarter of an hour after-
wards." "Ah! Sire,” replied Triboulet, "if it would
only please your Majesty to hang him a quarter of an
hour before!"
ANSWERS TO CORRESPONDENTS.
WHEN Hood was editor of the London Magazine he
used to give most amusing answers to correspondents.
For instance, one writer is informed that his "Night"
is too long, for the moon rises twice in it.
"The
C
Essay on Agricultural Distress' would only increase it.”
"The "The Tears of Insensibility' had better be dropped.".
"B. is surely humming." "The Echo will not answer;"
and "The Sonnet to the Rising Sun', must have been
written for a lark."
A COURTIER POET.
A POET who had written verses in honor of Napoleon
as well as in praise of the restoration, presented a copy
of each set to Louis XVIII., when the latter said to him,
72
JOKES AND JESTS,
"The verses are all very good, but I think that those
are the best which are in praise of Napoleon." "That
is very probable,” replied the poet, "for your majesty
knows very well that poets excel in fiction."
A PLEASANT OCCUPATION.
THERE are persons so philanthropic that they are al-
ways ready to promise more than they can perform.
Furetiere said of one of his friends, who was of this dis-
position, that he passed the morning in making prom-
ises and the afternoon in making excuses.
TOO MANY GUESTS.
A CERTAIN nobleman who was as well-born as a king,
as good a catholic as the Pope, and as poor as Job, hav-
ing arrived by night at a French inn, knocked a long
time at the door before he could awaken the host.
When the latter was at length aroused, he looked out of
the window and said, "Who is there?" "Don Juan
Pedro Hermandez Rodriquez, of Villa Nova, the Count
of Malafra, and the Knight of Santiago and Alcantara,"
replied the Spaniard. "Ah," said the host, closing the
window, "I am very sorry, sir, but we have not suffi-
cient room to entertain so large a company.'
A PREFERENCE FOR UNCERTAINTY.
""
PLATO, preferred death to exile, or imprisonment; be-
cause, he said, he knew that imprisonment and exile
were evils, but was not certain whether death was one.
A PRUSSIAN ORDER.
As a certain knight named Taylor gave a list of the
honors he had received from the various courts of Eur-
WIT AND HUMOR.
73
ope, and the orders with which he had been decorated
by a great number of sovereigns, a member of the Eng-
lish Parliament who was present observed, that he had
not named the King of Prussia, and added, "I presume
that he did not give you any order?" "Oh, yes, he did,”
replied Taylor, "he gave me the order to quit his
court!"
A SPEAKING COUNTENANCE.
It was said in old times, in praise of the ancient
Greek sculptors, that the gods would be happy to re-
semble their statues; and Michael Angelo gave utter-
ance to a similar thought with respect to the statue of
St. Mark, which is in the church of St. Michael, in
Florence, when he said, "If the saint resembled that
statue, one might believe from his physiognomy alone
that all he has written is true."
A MODEL ADDRESS.
LOUIS XIV., passing through Rheims, received an
address from the mayor, who, presenting him with some
bottles of wine and some pears, said, "Sire, we bring to
your majesty our wine, our pears, and our hearts!"
"Ah!" replied the king, clapping him upon the shoul-
der, "that is what I call a model address."
A SUBTLE DISTINCTION.
SOME one observed to a drunken man, "Oh! how
wrong you are to drink! See! the liquor you have taken
makes you totter at every step!" "Well," replied the
toper, "that does not prove that I am wrong to drink,
but only that I am wrong to walk when I am drunk.”
74
JOKES AND JESTS,
AN UNDESIRABLE RESTORATION.
A WEALTHY man had a daughter whom he loved, but
who was so ugly that it was only her father who could
bear the sight of her. Wishing to see her settled in
life, he devised the plan of marrying her to a blind
man, and at length found her a husband of this class.
Some time afterwards there arrived in the neighborhood
an oculist, who was said to have restored their sight to
many blind
persons, and the father-in-law was urged by
his acquaintances to send his son-in-law to him.
"No,
thank you,” he replied, "if he restores his sight, he will
restore me my daughter. Let us remain as we are.
A ROYAL CYNIC.
WHEN Bajazet, Emperor of the Turks, after his de-
feat, was taken into the presence of Timur, that is to
say, Timur the Lame, a name which has been corrupted
into Timerlan and Tamerlane, the latter, perceiving that
he was blind of one eye, began to laugh; upon which
Bajazet, who could not bear to be an object of contempt,
said proudly, "You laugh at my disgrace, Timur; but
remember that it may happen to yourself; that God
disposes of all kingdoms, and that it is He alone who
distributes them." Timur rejoined with equal pride,
"I never doubted it; and I do not laugh at your misfor-
tunes, but at an idea which the sight of you has put
into my head, that kingdoms are of so little account in
the sight of God that he has bestowed upon a cripple
what he had formerly given to a man with one eye."
FINANCE IN PETTICOATS.
A BILL-DISCOUNTER lent to a young man of good
WIT AND HUMOR.
75
family a sum of thirty pounds for a year, at fifty per
cent., the interest to be included; that is to say, he
made the borrower give him a bill for thirty pounds,
and only handed over to him fifteen. The negotiation
having been concluded, the honest man awaited the re-
turn of his wife with the utmost impatience, in order to
tell of their good fortune; but when the good woman
returned, bringing with her the sordid provisions for
which she had been bargaining an hour before in the
market-place, and heard her husband's story, she ex-
claimed with disdain, "What! You have lent him
thirty pounds for a year and have given him fifteen?
Imbecile! Why did you not lend him the money for
two years, as in that case you would not have had to
pay him anything at all?"
AN ARTISTIC ANTITHESIS.
ANNIBALE CARACCI said, "that poets paint with words,
and that painters speak with the pencil."
PLEASURES OF THE IMAGINATION.
A GENTLEMAN, who had no great reputation for cour-
age, asked a miser what pleasure he could find in amass-
ing money which he never used? "The pleasure," re-
plied the miser, "that you have in wearing a sword."
IN DEBT FOR HIS OWN FACE.
A GASCON officer, entreating the Minister of War to
pay him the arrears due to him, declared that he was in
danger of dying of hunger. The minister, seeing be-
fore him a full and rosy countenance, told him that his
face gave the lie to this statement. "Ah, sir!” ex-
claimed the officer, "pray make no such mistake; this
76
JOKES AND JESTS,
face does not belong to me, but to my hostess, who has
given me credit for ever so long."
TOO GOOD FOR ANY PLACE.
A SHOEMAKER, delivering a panegyric on St. Francis,
said, “Where shall we place this saint, elevated as he
is above the angels, the archangels, and even the very
virtues themselves?" One of his auditors rose and said,
"Put him in my place;" and went off.
A PRACTICAL LEGISLATOR.
IN 1789 an agricultural laborer, who had been elected
deputy for a bailiwick, presided over by M. de Coigny,
having a very unintelligent appearance, the latter, wish-
ing to puzzle him, questioned him as to what he pro-
posed to demand of the States' General.
"The sup-
pression of pigeons, rabbits, and monks," replied the
deputy. "What a strange combination!" exclaimed M.
de Coigny.."Not at all," replied the judicious agricul-
turalist, "for the pigeons devour the grain when it is
sown, the rabbits when it has just sprung up, and the
monks when it is ripe."
APPEARANCES AGAINST HIM.
MEZERAI, the historiographer of France, although in
the enjoyment of a good income, was always very badly
dressed. One day he went to his coach-builder to have
a new wheel put to his carriage, and whilst this was be-
ing done he waited at the shop-door, with a woolen cap
on his head and a pair of deplorably old slippers on his
feet. By-and-bye some of the archers, who in those
days were employed to keep the streets clear of beggars,
and were called the beggars' archers, came to the spot
WIT AND HUMOR.
77
where he was standing, and, taking him for a beggar,
arrested him. The historiographer, who delighted in
adventures, was pleased at the mistake, and said to his
captors, "Gentlemen, as it pains me to walk, I trust
you will wait a minute till they have finished putting a
new wheel on my carriage. When that is done I will
get in and follow you."
ANOTHER HONEST COMPLIMENT.
M. DE VENDOME, who commanded the French army
in Italy, having dispatched a young nobleman to announce
to his master the victory which he had gained at Luzzara,
the latter, whilst attempting to describe the battle,
became several times much confused in his narrative.
The king preserved his gravity, but the Duchess of
Burgundy, who was present, laughed with all her heart,
till the young gentleman said, "Sire, it is easier for M.
de Vendome to win a battle than for me to describe it."
CALLING THINGS BY THEIR RIGHT NAMES.
EUTHYCRATES and Lasthenes, having betrayed the con-
fidence which the Olynthians, their fellow citizens, had
placed in them, they became objects of contempt in the
eyes of the Macedonians themselves, in whose favor the
treason had been committed, Philip's soldiers frequently
calling them rascals snd traitors to their faces. When
they complained of this to the king, he said, “Ah; I
am very sorry; but, you see, the Macedonian soldiers
are coarse fellows, who will persist in calling things by
their real names."
78
JOKES AND JESTS,
WAGGISH GRAMMAR.
A WAGGISH curate overheard the schoolmaster giving
lessons in grammar.
"You cannot place a, the singu-
lar article," said the preceptor, "before plural nouns.
No one can say a pig, a woman, a—”—“Nonsense,”
cried the curate, "the Prayer-book knows better than
you, I should think, or it wouldn't teach me to say
a-men."
A CRITICISM ON LAW.
A BLACKSMITH Was lately summoned to a county court
as a witness, in a dispute between two of his workmen.
The judge, after hearing the testimony, asked him why
he did not advise them to settle, as the costs had already
amounted to three times the disputed sum. He replied,
"I told the fools to settle, for I said the clerk would
take their coats, the lawyers their shirts, and if they got
into your honor's court, you'd skin 'em!"
A REASON FOR NOT GIVING.
AN American paper states that those who go round
with the contribution box in California churches, plead
and argue the case in the pews as they go along. The
following dialogue, it is said, took place between one of
these gentry and an honest-looking miner. Parson L—
extended the box to Bill, and he slowly shook his head.
"Come, William, give something," said the parson.
"Can't do it," said Bill. "Why not? Is not the cause
a good one?" asked he.
"Yes, good enough; but I am
not able to give anything," answered Bill. "Pooh!
pooh! I know better; you must give me a better rea-
son than that." "Well, I owe too much money; I must
WIT AND HUMOR.
79
be just before I am generous, you know." "But Will-
iam, you owe God a larger debt than any one else."
"That's true, parson, but he ain't pushing me like the
rest of my creditors.” The argument was conclusive.
LOVE LOCKS.
“Oh, spare me, dear angel, one lock of your hair!"
A bashful young lover took courage and sighed;
""Twere a sin to refuse so modest a prayer,
So take the whole wig," the sweet creature replied.
ADVANTAGES OF A LONG COURTSHIP.
Brown was telling Jones of the death of a lady whom
a friend of his had courted for twenty-eight years, and
then married. She turned out to be a perfect virago, but
died two years after the wedding. Said Jones, "your
friend was a lucky fellow: what a life of misery he escaped
by a long courtship."
BUILDING FOR ANOTHER.
IN 1597 the Duke of Savoy commenced the construc-
tion of a large fort at Batreaux, on French territory, and
in sight of the French army under the command of Lesdi-
guieres. The French troops murmured loudly at this,
and Henry IV. himself wrote to the general a letter
reproaching him for permitting such a piece of audacity
on the part of the enemy. "Sire," replied Lesdiguieres,
"your Majesty has need of a strong fortress to hold in
check that of Montmelian. Since the Duke of Savoy
thinks proper to be at the expense of building it, pray
let him go on; and I promise you, that as soon as it is
finished and fully armed, I will take it away from him."
Henry IV. saw the justness of his general's views, and
80
JOKES AND JESTS.
in due course the latter took, not only the fortress, but
the whole of Savoy as well.
THE POINT WITH HIM.
THE following story is attributed to Mr. Lincoln, the
late President of the United States:-
Upon the hurricane deck of one of our gunboats, an
elderly darkey, with a very philosophical and retrospec-
tive cast of countenance, squatted upon his bundle,
toasting his shins against the chimney, and apparently
plunged into a state of profound meditation. Finding,
upon inquiry, that he belonged to the Ninth Illinois,
one of the most gallantly behaved and heavy losing reg-
iments at the Fort Donelson battle, and a part of which
was aboard, I began to interrogate him on the subject:
"Were you in the fight?"
"Had a little taste of it, sa."
"Stood your ground, did you?"
"No sa; I runs."
"Run at the first fire, did you?"
"Yes sa; and would hab run soona, had I knowd it
war coming."
"Why, that wasn't very creditable to your courage."
"Dat isn't my line, sa; cookin's my profeshun."
"Well, but have you no regard for your reputation?"
Reputation's nuffin to me by de side ob life."
66
"Do you consider your life worth more than other
people's?"
"It is worth more to me, sa."
"Then you must value it very highly?"
"Yes, sa, I does; more dan all dis wuld, more dan a
million ob dollars, sa; for what wud dat be wuth to a
WIT AND HUMOR.
81
man wid de bref out of him? Self-preserbation am de
fust law wid me."
"But why should you act upon a different rule from
other men?"
"Because different men set different values upon their
lives; mine is not in de market."
"But if you lost it, you would have the satisfaction
of knowing that you died for your country."
“What satisfaction would dat be to me when de power
ob feelin' was gone?"
"Then patriotism and honor are nothing to you?"
"Nuffin whatever, sa; I regard them as among the
vanities."
•
"If our soldiers were like you, traitors might have
broken up the government without resistance."
"Yes, sa; dar would hab been no help for it. I
wouldn't put my life in de scale 'ginst any gobernment
dat eber existed, for no gobernment could replace de
loss to me."
"Do you think any of your company would have
missed you if you had been killed?"
(6
Maybe not, sa; a dead white man ain't much to dese
sogers, let alone a dead nigga; but I'd a missed myself,
and dat was de pint with me."
A METALLIC RING.
DURING the late civil war in America, the paper cur-
rency issued included fractional notes, having upon the
face a faint oval ring of bronze encircling the vignette.
Upon being asked its use, Mr. Lincoln said, "It was a
faint attempt on the part of Mr. Chase (the Finance
Minister) to give the currency a metallic ring."
6
82
JOKES AND JESTS.
LOOKING BEFORE HIM.
A DYING Irishman was asked by his confessor if he
was prepared to renounce the devil and all his works.
"Oh, your honor," said Pat, "don't ask me that; I'm
going into a strange country, and I don't want to make
myself enemies!"
MORE GENEROUS THAN HIS CAPTAIN.
A DRUNKEN captain in the American Federal army
met a private of his company in the same condition.
The captain ordered him to "halt;" and, endeavoring in
vain to assume a firm position on his feet and to talk
with dignified severity, exclaimed, "Private Smith, I'll
give you t'l (hic) four o'clock to gissober in." "Cap'n,"
replied the soldier, "as you'r (hic) sight drunker-
niam, I'll give you t'l five o'clock to gissober in."
THE WRONG PHYSIC.
PRESIDENT ABRAHAM LINCOLN once met an American
soldier in prison, and accosted him with, "Well, my
fine fellow, what are you in here for?" "For taking
something," replied he. “What do you mean?" "Why,”
said he, "one morning I did not feel very well, and went
to see the surgeon. He was busy writing at the time,
and when I went in he looked at me, saying, 'Well,
you do look bad; you had better take something.' He
then went on with his writing, and left me standing be-
hind him. I looked round, and saw nothing I could
take except his watch, and I took that. That's what I
am in here for."
A ROYAL WARDROBE.
THE wardrobe of Frederic the Great, at his death, was
.
WIT AND HUMOR.
83
not worth five pounds. It consisted, in fact of but three
suits: a gala suit, which had only been worn three times,
and two others, which were so old and ragged that it
was difficult to understand how they had held together.
The royal hats, boots, shirts, and so forth, were in the
same condition, and showed that the domestic did not
very much exaggerate, when, showing a stranger over
the place at Berlin, he said, in answer to the latter's re-
quest to see the wardrobe, "Oh, my master carries it on
his back."
AN IMPORTANT POSTSCRIPT.
!
GENERAL VIVOUNE, writing from Messina to Louis
XIV., finished his letter with these words: "We shall
not be able to succeed without ten thousand more men.”
He handed it to Du Terron, the adjutant-general, to
seal, and the latter added, after the words "ten thousand
men,” “and a general.”
DISAGREEABLE TO THE KNEES.
THE musicians of Louis XIV., performing one day
the Miserere of Lully, the monarch knelt, and kept all
his courtiers in the same posture, till it was ended. At
the conclusion he asked the Count de Grammont what
he thought of it? and the latter replied, "It was very
pleasant to the ears, but very disagreeable to the knees."
A COMFORTING ASSURANCE.
MARMONTEL produced in 1750 an opera, entitled "The
Garland," which was very badly received. On one of the
days when it was represented, the author had occasion
to drive somewhere in his coach, and his direct road
would have led him past the opera; but fearing lest he
84
JOKES AND JESTS,
might be delayed by a crowd at the door, he told the
coachman to go some other way. "Don't be afraid,
Master," replied the candid fellow, "there won't be any
one there, for they play, 'The Garland' to-night."
A PROFITABLE EXCHANGE.
AURUNGZEB, plotting for empire to the prejudice of
the princes, his brothers, assembled one day all the fakirs
of the country for the purpose of bestowing alms upon
them, and to have the consolation, as he expressed it, of
eating rice and salt with them. The place of assembly
was a vast plain, and Aurungzeb supplied the many
persons who accepted his invitation with a fitting repast.
When they had eaten, their host had new garments
brought, and told the astonished fakirs that he could not
bear to see them in rags. He knew that most of these
fellows had concealed about their persons pieces of gold,
the fruits of tricks and mendicity; and, in fact, most of
them declined to part with their rags, on the ground
that to do so would be contrary to their vows of poverty.
The prince, however, would take no denial, and when
every fakir had exchanged his old garments for the new,
the former were collected into a heap and burned. In the
ashes was found a sum of money sufficiently large to
enable Aurungzeb to wage war successfully against his
brothers.
PATIENCE TRIUMPHANT OVER OBSTINACY.
Ar the end of a lane where it was impossible for two
vehicles to pass, a Quaker in his gig met an obstinate
fellow in a cart. The Quaker mildly declined to back
his horse, having the whole length of the lane to go, and
the other fellow swore he would not recede a few yards
WIT AND HUMOR.
85
After an hour or so of ineffectual discussion, the man in
the cart thought to crush the Quaker into submission
by taking out a newspaper and calmly perusing it.
"Friend, "said the Quaker, "when thou hast finished
the paper I trust thou wilt lend it to me." The man
was beaten, and backed his horse without more ado.
A NEGATIVE REASON FOR LIKING.
CHRISTINA, Queen of Sweden, avoided the company of
“I like men,” she said, "not because they are
men, but because they are not women."
women.
DIVIDING OUR GIFTS.
A WAG says of a woman-To her virtues we give love;
to her beauty, admiration; to her hoops, the whole
pavement.
ASSERTING TOO MUCH.
LORD BOLINGBROKE, wishing once to travel incognito,
directed his sole attendant, a negro, to say that his
master was a Frenchman. The negro, anxious to deserve
his master's confidence by his discretion, replied to all
the questions of the curious by saying, "My master is a
Frenchman, and so am I."
A JUST REBUKE.
THE poet Antagoras one day making a stew in the
camp of Antigonus, that prince said to him, "Do you
suppose Antagoras, that when Homer described the
glorious actions of Agamemnon, he amused himself, as
you are doing, by making a stew in the midst of the
camp?"
"And do you suppose," replied Antagoras,
"that when Agamemnon performed those glorious
86
JOKES AND JESTS,
actions which Homer describes, he went spying about
the camp to see if any one were making a stew?"
THE USE OF RELIGION.
ROWLAND HILL said, "He wouldn't give a farthing
for the man's religion whose cat and dog were not the
better for it."
TRUE ENOUGH.
SOME girls in evening dress were making fun of the
short skirts and white hose of another, and affecting to
be much shocked thereat. The girl replied, "If you'd
only pull up your dresses about your necks, where they
ought to be, they'd be as short as mine!"
A MUTUAL RECOGNITION.
A PERT fellow, seeing in the street an old woman who
drove some asses, said, "Hail, mother of Asses." "All
hail, my son," answered she. The man felt his ears
lengthen as he walked away.
AN OBSTINATE DEFENSE.
A SCOTCH pedestrian, attacked by three highwaymen,
defended himself with great courage and obstinacy, but
was at length overpowered and his pockets rifled. The
robbers expected, from the extraordinary resistance they
had experienced, to lay their hands on some rich booty,
but were not a little surprised to discover that the whole
treasure which the sturdy Caledonian had been defend-
ing at the hazard of his life, consisted of more than a
crooked sixpence. "The deuce is in him," said one of
the rogues; if he had had eighteen pence, I suppose he
would have killed the whole of us."
WIT AND HUMOR.
87
THE MAN WHO OUGHT TO KNOW.
A SOLDIER of an Ohio regiment engaged in the Civil
War, passing to the lower part of the encampment, saw
two others from his company making a rude coffin. He
inquired who it was for. "John Bunce," said the
others. "Why," replied he, "John is not dead yet. It
is too bad to make a man's coffin when you don't know
"Don't you trouble your-
if he's going to die or not.”
self,” replied the others; "Dr. Coe told us to make his
coffin, and I guess he knows what he gave him.
THE MOUTH IN FAULT.
A CRITIC, Comparing the fables of La Mothe with
those of La Fontaine, has said, "La Mothe tried to laugh
like La Fontaine, but not having the same kind of
mouth, has only succeeded in making grimaces.
THE LONG BOW.
""
A FELLOW was kicked out of an editorial room the
other day for impudently stating "that he had seen in
Germany a fiddle so large that it required two horses to
draw the bow across the strings, which would continue
to sound six weeks!"
BRITISH IGNORANCE.
A YANKEE gentleman, who was escorting a British
friend to view the different objects of attraction in the
vicinity of Boston, brought him to Bunker's Hill.
They stood looking at the splendid shaft, when the
Yankee said, "This is the place where Warren fell."
"Ah!" replied the Englishman, evidently not posted up
in local historical matters, "did it hurt him much?"
88
JOKES AND JESTS,
The native looked at him, with the expression of four-
teen Fourths of July in his countenance-"Hurt him!"
said he, "he was killed, sir." "Ah! he was, eh?" said
the stranger, still eying the monument, and computing
its height in his own mind, layer by layer! “well, I
should think he would have been, to fall so far."
ALIKE IN LIFE AND DEATH.
THE Duke of Buckingham, who was very avaricious,
and denied himself even the common necessaries of life,
said to Sir Robert Wiver, "I'm afraid I shall die as poor
as a church-mouse." "And I am afraid," replied Sir
Robert, "that you live, as you fear to die."
1
PROVING HER CASE.
In one of the courts at Hartford, Connecticut, recent-
ly, a woman was testifying on behalf of her son, and
swore that he had worked on a farm ever since he was
born. The lawyer who cross-examined her said, "You
assert that your son has worked on a farm ever since he
was born?" "I do." "What did he do the first year?"
"He milked,” she replied. The whole court laughed
heartily, and the witness was questioned no further.
ONE OF THEM QUITE ENOUGH.
AN Ohio stumper, while making a speech, paused in
the midst of it and exclaimed, "Now, gentlemen, what
do
you think?" Instantly a man rose in the assembly,
and, with one eye partially closed, modestly replied, "I
think, sir-I do indeed, sir-I think if you and I were
to stump the country together we would tell more lies
than any other two men in the country, sir! and I'd
not say a word during the whole time, sir!”
WIT AND HUMOR.
89
AN INDISPUTABLE CLAIM.
GENERAL ROSECRANS received the following letter
from an indignant private:-" General.—I have been in
the service eighteen months, and have never received a
cent. I desire a furlough for fifteen days, in order to
return home and remove my family to the poor-house."
The general granted the furlough.
PHILOSOPHIC.
THE father of Aristo scolded him one day violently, and
continued to do so for a considerable time, whilst his son
listened to him with the utmost attention and in perfect
silence. The poet's brother asked him afterwards why
he had said nothing in self-defence. "I am engaged,"
he replied, "in writing a comedy, and I am just at a
scene where an old man scolds his son; the moment
our father opened his mouth the idea came into my
head that if I watched him attentively, I might draw
my scolder after nature; and I was so busy taking notes
of his tones, gestures and language, that I never thought
of what I might say in self-defense."
A SLOW COACH FOR A LONG JOURNEY.
A FUSSY, nervous, little man, who fidgeted about in a
remarkably quick manner, had a "maid-of-all-work,"
who caused him to utter more profane wouds in three
months than three years in purgatory could atone for.
One evening he dispatched the girl upon an errand to a
neighboring store, and, according to his ideas, she was
absent an accountably long time. The girl returned at
length, when her impatient master broke forth with-
"For goodness' sake, Maggie, where have you been?"
90
JOKES AND JESTS,
(C
""
"To the store, sir," was Maggie's reply.
Well," said
her master, “it is about one hundred yards to the store,
and
you have been fifteen minutes in going and return-
ing." "Yes, sir," broke in the girl. "Now, Maggie,'
said he, “take my advice, and when you die remain
quietly in your grave, and never make an attempt to
get to heaven." "And why not, sir?" asked the bewil-
dered girl. "Because," said her master, "the sun is
ninety-six millions of miles from the earth, and heaven
is beyond that, and if you ever make an attempt to get
there, at the rate you move, eternity will come to an end
before you reach your destination."
A WEIGHTY SCRUPLE.
HENRY WARD BEECHER asked Park Benjamin, the
poet and humorist, why he never came over to Brook-
lyn to hear him preach. Benjamin replied, "Why,
Beecher, the fact is, I have conscientious scruples
against going to places of public amusement on Sun-
day."
GAINING AND LOSING.
SOME one has said that he who finds a good husband
for his daughter gains a son; and he who marries her to
a bad one loses a daughter.
THE TONGUE REQUIRED IN EITHER CASE.
A WELSH clergyman applied to his diocesan for a liv-
ing. The bishop promised him one; but as he was
taking leave, he expressed a hope that his lordship would
not send him into the interior of the Principality, as his
wife could not speak Welsh. "Your wife, sir!" said the
bishop, "what has your wife to do with it? She does
WIT AND HUMOR.
91
not preach, does she? "No, my lord," said the parson,
"but she lectures."
TRUE POLITENESS.
JOHN RANDOLPH met a personal enemy in the street
one day, who refused to give him half the side walk, say-
ing that he never turned out for a rascal. "I do," said
Randolph, stepping aside, and politely raising his hat;
"pass on sir; pass on!"
TONGUE ENOUGH.
ONE morning a party came into the public rooms at
Buxton, somewhat later than usual, and asking for some
tongue, were told Lord Byron had eaten it all.
"I am
very angry with his lordship," said a lady, loud enough
for him to hear the conversation. "I am very sorry for
it, madam,” replied Lord Byron; "but before I ate the
tongue I was assured you did not want it."
AN IRISH ALTERNATIVE.
PAT said to himself, as he stood musing and waiting
for a job, "There's two ways of doing it. If I save me
two thousand pounds, I must lay up two hundred pounds
a year for twenty years, or I can put away twenty pounds
a year for two hundred years-now which shall I do?"
NOT FAST ENOUGH.
A YANKEE walks upon the Alps with his hands in
his pockets, and the smoke of his cigar is seen amid the
mists of Niagara. One sauntered into the office of a
Telegraph Company, and asked how long it would take
to transmit a message to Washington. "Ten minutes,"
was the reply. "I can't wait," was the rejoinder.
92
JOKES AND JESTS,
COINING A WORD.
A CORONER's jury in Boston returned as a verdict, in
the case of a woman who died suddenly, that she died
from congestion of the brain, caused by overtipulation.
HUMANITY IN EXCESS.
A SCOTCH lady was so humane that she would never
allow her carpet to be beaten. She went into hysterics
on hearing a boy, who was listening to a story about a
donkey, tell the narrator to cut his tale short; and she
fainted away when a relative said he had been killing
time.
A LIBEL ON THE SEX.
SOME one has said that women kiss each other when
they meet, because it is the custom, and when they part,
because they are pleased.
WHY DID HE SAY IT?
A MAN who hated lying was in the habit of systemat-
ically denying everything said by an acquaintance of
his, who, he knew, scarcely ever told the truth. One
day when the latter was making some statement, the
former, as usual, was about to deny its truth, when a
third interposed and assured him that it was true.
"Why did he say it, then?" exclaimed the aggrieved
truth-teller.
UNDER A CLOUD ALWAYS.
DR. HILL said of an ignorant preacher whose debts
compelled him to seclude himself, "On six days of the
week he is invisible, and on the seventh he is incompre-
hensible."
WRITING FOR THE INDEX.
THE Ecclesiastical History of M. Fleury, which in
WIT AND HUMOR.
93
France is regarded as a very religious work, is in the
Index Expurgatorius at Rome, on the ground of its
irreligion. This circumstance made M. Baluze, one of·
the most eminent writers of the 18th century, when he
was asked what he was doing, say "I am working for
the Index."
WHY MEN NEED TO BE VALIANT.
A GESILAUS, having been asked which was the greater
virtue, valor or justice, replied that "if all men were
just there would be no need that any should be valiant."
A SPARTAN PROVOCATION.
A SPARTAN, extremely anxious to have an interview
with a prince who replied to his solicitation by saying
that he was engaged, said to the domestic, "Tell your
master that I do not wish to fight, but to speak with
him."
PUTTING HIM IN THE PILLORY.
A CERTAIN Lucius Rufinus, a man of insatiable
avarice, having been invited to dine with the Emperor
Claudius, had the impudence to steal a gold goblet
belonging to his host. The emperor only punished the
theft by inviting the thief again on the following day,
and having him, alone of all who were present, served
with an earthenware cup.
WORTH WHILE, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES.
MADAME CORNUEL was accustomed to say "Even
supposing that we only regard what is said of the other
world as a mere town rumor, it is worth while to inquire
whether it is true."
ART CRITICISM.
An artist showing to Apelles a portrait of Venus, in
94
JOKES AND JESTS,
which the goddess was magnificently attired, Apelles
said to him: "I see that, as you were not able to make
your Venus beautiful, you have, at least, had the justice
to make her gorgeous."
THE SATISFACTIONS OF PATRONAGE.
LOUIS XIV. said, that whenever he bestowed an
appointment upon any one he made ninety-nine persons
discontented and one ungrateful.
ARMS IN STORE.
WHEN Leyden was beseiged, the inhabitants made a
proud reply to Valdez (the general who was besieging
them, and who had entirely cut off their provisions,)
when he summoned them to surrender.
"Do not sup-
pose," they said, "that we are in want of provisions, for
we have still our left arms to eat, and our right arms
with which to defend our liberty."
A WOMAN'S ESTIMATE OF MEN.
A LADY who would please herself in marrying, was
warned that her intended, although a good sort of a man,
was very singular. "Well," replied the lady, "if he is
very much unlike other men, he is much more likely to
be a good husband."
A TERRIBLE CENSOR.
FATHER BRIDAINE, preaching at Cahors, said, Yet
forty days and Nineveh will be destroyed! "You may
suppose," he continued, "that I am about to announce
to you the destruction of your city: but it is not so, my
brethren; for although, indeed, you deserve to perish,
you have a powerful intercessor. And who is this inter-
cessor? you will ask.
will ask. Is it you patron saint?—No! he
WIT AND HUMOR.
95
is weary of your crimes, and will no longer speak in
your favor. Is it your good angel? No! Is it the
Holy Virgin? No! But who is it, then?-Who! I will
tell you who it is, my brethren! It is the devil who
has begged for the preservation of Cahors; for he has
said, 'If I want an extortioner I can find him at Cahors;
if I want a libertine, I can find him at Cahors; If I
want a vain man, or a greedy man, I am sure to find him
at Cahors!"
COMPLETE REFUTATION.
Ir having been stated that General Hooker was left
immensely rich by the death of a Mexican wife, an
American newspaper replied as follows:-1st, General
Hooker's wife. was not rich. 2nd, she was not a Mexi-
can. 3d, she is not dead. 4th, General Hooker never
had a wife." This reminds us of some pleadings in
English courts of law, which first deny an act, and then
justify it.
TEST OF RELATIONSHIP.
CHEVERT was as proud of the obscurity of his birth as
many are of the nobility of theirs. A person one day
went to him and begged him to use his influence for
him at court, declaring that he was a relation of his.
"Are you a gentleman by birth?" asked Chevert. "Cer-
tainly, sir."
"Then you cannot be a relation of mine,
for I am the first and only gentleman of my family."
TROUBLING BOTH WORLDS.
It is well known that the Emperor Charles V. laid
aside the purple for the monkish garb. One morning,
when he was taking his turn in arousing the members
96
JOKES AND JESTS,
of his convent from their slumbers, he gave a violent
shaking to a novice, whom he found it difficult to awaken.
The young man, rising with great reluctance, said,
"Was it not enough that you troubled the world so
long, that you must come here to disturb people who
have gone out of it?"
THE GALLOWS IN A NEW ASPECT.
M. DUBUCQ said, "The gallows is a piece of flattery
to the whole human race: a man is hung now and then
to persuade all the rest that they are virtuous."
WHO GOVERN BEST.
THE Duchess of Burgundy said one day to Madame
de Maintenon, "Do you know why the queens of Eng-
land govern better than the kings? It is because the
queens govern by the advice of men, and the kings by
the advice of women."
A LIBERAL ASPIRATION.
THE Czar, Peter the Great, having gone into the church
of the Sorboune to see the statue of Cardinal Richelieu,
embraced it with emotion and exclaimed, "Great man! if
you had lived in my time I would have given you half
my kingdom to teach me to govern the other half.”
THROWING THE ONUS ON HIM.
A YOUNG man said to a modest girl, "Will you have
me, Sarah?" "No, John," she said, "but you may
have me if you will."
PARDONABLE HOMICIDE,
THE Count de Charolais, in his youth, was of a vio-
lent and murderous disposition, and set but little value
WIT AND HUMOR.
97
Louis XV.,
on the lives of those who offended him.
disgusted with the count's repeated applications for par-
don on account of his frequent murders, said to him on
one occasion, "I pardon you; but at the same time I
assure you that I will do the same for any one who shall
kill you."
THE REASON WHY.
LOUIS XIV. one day asked of Mezerai, "Why have
you described Louis XI. as a tyrant?" "Why was he
a tyrant?" replied the historian.
A LONG FIRE ARM.
THE "king's arm," as the old regulation musket was
called in America, had (says a Yankee writer) a barrel
as long as a rail, requiring some little time for a
musket-ball to get out of it. A sportsman, in speaking
of its peculiarities, said, "I once aimed at a robin, snap-
ped the lock four times, then looked into the muzzle,
saw the charge coming out, raised the gun again, took
aim, and killed the bird.
UTILE DULCI.
A GENTLEMAN walking with M. de la Mothe, the Bishop
of Amiens, through his garden, said to him, "I per-
ceive that the useful is here preferred to the agreeable."
"For my part,” replied the bishop, "nothing appears to
me more agreeable than that which is useful."
SHAVING EXTRAORDINARY.
A FARMER Who lived on a hill, called "Hard Scrabble,"
in Central New York, says that last summer, owing to
the drought and poor land together, the grass was so
short that they had to lather it before they could mow it.
7
98
JOKES AND JESTS,
WHAT SOME OTHERS WOULD DO.
A YOUNG American spinster was told by a married lady
that she had better throw herself over Niagara Falls
than marry. The young lady replied, "I would if I
thought I should find a husband at the bottom."
AMERICAN PROVERBS.
JOSHUA BILLINGS says, amongst other good things,
"Don't swop with your relashuns, unless ye kin afford
to give them the big end of the trade. Marry young
and, if circumstances require it, often. If you can't git
good cloathes and edication too, git the cloathes. Say
how are you to everybody. Kultivate modesty, but mind
and keep a good stock of impudence on hand. Be char-
itable-three cent pieces were made on purpose.
It
costs more to borry than it does to buy. Ef a man flat-
ters yu, yu can kalkerlate he is a roge, or you are a fule.
Be more anxus about the pedigree yur going to leave
than you are about the wun somebody's going to leave
you. Sin is like weeds-self-sone and sure to cum.
Two lovers, like two armies, generally get along quietly
until they are engaged.”
THE CRITICS CORRECTED.
POLYCLETUS, the Greek sculptor, indignant at the
advice which he constantly received from connoisseurs,
resolved to avenge himself; and for this purpose, when
the Athenians had commissiond him to make a certain
statue, he made two alike. One of these he exposed to
the public gaze, and, as he expected, it was received
with a multitude of criticisms, the justice of which he at
once admitted. He altered the statue which he had
WIT AND HUMOR.
99
exhibited in due accordance with the criticisms which
had been directed against it, and then exhibited it so
altered, together with the one he had kept in reserve.
Every one praised the latter, and laughed at the former.
"Well," he said, pointing to the untouched one, "this is
my work, and that," pointing to the other, "is yours.
UNCOMMONLY WITTY.
""
A WITTY lady once said that ungrateful persons were
becoming rare in proportion as benevolent ones were
becoming uncommon.
ONE SUFFERER BETTER THAN MANY.
A MAN complained to Epictetus, that he suffered
wrongs such as were inflicted upon no one else. "I am
very sorry for you," replied Epictetus, "but I would
rather know that only you suffered, than that others did
also."
AN UNINTENTIONAL CONFESSION.
A CLERGYMAN was lately depicting before a deeply-
interested audience the alarming increase of intemper-
ance, when he astonished his hearers by exclaiming: "A
young woman in my neighborhood died very suddenly
last Sabbath, while I was preaching in a state of beastly
intoxication!"
PATRIARCHAL ARITHMETIC.
ARTEMUS WARD says in his curious book, that he is
tired of answering the questions as to how many wives
Brigham Young has. He says that all he knows about
it is, that he one day used up the multiplication table
in counting the long stockings on a clothes-line in
Brigham's back-yard, and went off feeling dizzy.
100
JOKES AND JESTS,
the news.
NEWSPAPER AMENITIES.
THE New York Herald writes: "The Louisville
Journal, an independent, one-horse Kentucky concern,
conducted by a walking whisky-bottle-says that one of
our correspondents deprived it of its maps and despatches
from Sherman's army. The Journal is unable to pay
even wages to its correspondents, and relies upon us for
Our correspondent purchased the maps and
intelligence referred to from one of the starving reporters
of the Journal, in order to save him from putting an
end to his miserable existence, since he could live no
longer on the bottle of Bourbon a week with which the
Journal supplied him." To this the Louisville Journal
replies "This is all a base unmitigated falsehood. The
map was given to the Herald's correspondent upon a
condition which he scandalously violated, and he
feloniously broke the seals of the papers and stole their
contents for the use of his thieving employers. The
employers and the employe, instead of throwing a stone
at us, ought to be pecking stones in the State prison.
It is not supposable that any paper on earth could have
ought to gain from a dispute with the New York Herald.
The editor of that concern is so low down, that fifty
millstones around his neck, waist, arms, and legs, couldn't
sink him lower. Notoriously, he has been oftener
kicked and horsewhipped than any other man in the
United States. Whoever has had the slightest fancy
for horsewhipping or kicking him has done it."
EXTREMELY CAUTIOUS.
A FELLOW who was being led to execution, told the
officers not to take him through a certain street, lest a
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101
merchant who resided there should arrest him for an old
debt.
EASILY ORIGINAL.
A VERY indifferent author once said to M. Piron, "I
want to write a kind of work which has never been
written and which nobody is ever likely to write except
myself."—"Write your own eulogium," said Piron.
THE FORCE OF EDUCATION.
LYCURGUS, having procured two dogs of the same
breed, brought them up in an entirely different manner;
treating one as a petted spaniel, and the other as a
sporting dog. When the animals had been thoroughly
trained, he took them to the public square of Sparta,
and placed before them a dish of savory meat, whilst at
the same time he let loose a hare. The dog which had
been treated as a pet at once fastened upon the dish,
whilst the other pursued the hare, which, after an
exciting chase, was captured and brought to its master,
amidst the applause of the spectators, to whom Lycurgus
said—“ These two dogs are precisely of the same breed,
and yet, you perceive how dissimilar they have been
rendered by education!"
FORTUNE WILL NOT WAIT.
CARDINAL IMPERIALI said "There is no man whom
Fortune has not visited once in his life, but where she
visits a man and does not find him ready to receive her,
she enters the door and goes out by the window."
JUST WHAT HAPPENED.
On the evening of the day on which Cæsar was assas-
sinated, he supped with Marcus Lepidus, and, as was his
102
JOKES AND JESTS.
custom, signed several dispatches whilst at table. In
the meantime the other guests amused themselves by
discussing various questions, and amongst others—which
was the happiest death? Cæsar, without looking up,
replied—“The most unexpected."
TAKING IT EASY.
KING ANTIGONUS being on a certain occasion with his
army, heard some of his body.guard speaking against
him near his tent, where, at the time, they did not sup-
pose him to be. The king quietly drew aside one of
tent, and said to them, "Pray go and
slander me a little further off."
the folds of the
A GUESS AT TRUTH.
A SCHOOL INSPECTOR visiting a school, said, "Now,
children, who loves all men?" The question was hardly
put before a little girl, not four years old, answered
quickly, "All women!"
ARITHMETIC OUT OF PLACE.
A GENERAL having been told that the numbers of the
enemy were continually increasing, replied, " Forward!
We are here to vanquish, not to count them."
AN IRRESISTIBLE APPEAL.
AN OFFICER of the Orleans regiment having been
sent to Louis XIV. with a dispatch announcing a
victory, demanded the Cross of the Order of St. Louis,
"But you are so young!" objected the monarch.
"Sire," rejoined the officer, "the men of the Orleans'
regiment are not in the habit of living long."
WIT AND HUMOR.
103
DECOROUS REJOICING.
WHEN the news of the surrender of General Corn-
wallis to General Washington reached Stratford, it was
on Sunday, and during the hours of worship. Word was
immediately taken to the pulpit, where Parson Wet-
more was engaged in delivering his discourse. Drawing
himself up to his fullest height, and making known the
intelligence, he said, "My friends, this is no place for
boisterous demonstrations; we will, therefore, in giving
three cheers, only go through the motions.”
A PRACTICAL TEST.
A KING of Persia being grievously ill, made a vow
that if he recovered he would distribute large sums of
money amongst the religious devotees of his capital,
who in those days and that country had taken vows of
poverty. The king recovered, and immediately sent a
slave with a purse full of gold to fulfil his promise.
The slave returned with the purse full, saying that he
could not find any religious person. "How is that?"
said the monarch, "there are more than four hundred
of them." "It is true," replied the slave, "that so
many wear the religious dress; but when I had offered
the money to each of them in turn, and found that
none refused it, though they had sworn to be poor, I
concluded that none of them were really religious."
A GAME THAT HAS SUCCEEDED.
▲ TRAVELER on the highway said to another, "If
you do not get out of the way I will serve you as I did
the fellow I just passed." The other, frightened
immediately backed into the gutter; and when the
104
JOKES AND JESTS,
1
threatened had passed, timidly asked what punishment
had been inflicted on the previous offender. "Why,"
he would not turn out, and so I had to do so,” was the
reply.
A MEDICAL PRESCRIPTION FOR LONGEVITY.
AN octogenarian Physician being asked how he had
preserved his health so well, replied, "I live by my
prescriptions, and never take them."
KILLING BY KINDNESS.
COLONEL TIRCHEF, in command of the Swiss regiment
in the army of Louis XIV., on the eve of the battle of
Dreux, went to the king to ask for the overdue pay of
his troops. The monarch, whose resources at the time
were very low, was exceedingly angry at this request,
and dismissed the colonel with reproaches and menaces.
On the following day, however, as he reviewed his troops
in order of battle, he passed before the Swiss battalion,
and remembering his unjust anger on the previous even-
ing, called the colonel to him, and said, as he embraced
him, "I was wrong yesterday evening, and I owe you
amends." "Ah, sire,” replied the old colonel, “your
kindness will cost me my life;" and in fact it did, for he
exposed himself with such chivalrous ardour in the
ensuing battle, that he was killed.
VERY PROFOUND.
A CAPUCHIN Friar, preaching on the wonders of
creation, said:—“My brethren! you a truck by certain
marvels of the universe, and less astoni.' ed at others
which are more wonderful. For instance, you admire
the sun which only shines when it is light, and are less
astonished at the moon which shines when it is night."
WIT AND HUMOR.
105
A CONDITIONAL ACCEPTANCE.
M. DE CHARNILLY, having defended Graves, and only
surrendered it in obedience to the orders of his master
Louis XIV., was soon afterwards offered by that
monarch the governorship of Oudenarde. "I accept it,
sir, on condition that you will never command me to
surrender it."
:
TAKING IT TO HIMSELF.
SOME one said to Vestris, "Do you know that your
son dances better than you do?""It is very probable,"
replied the dancer, who had himself taught his son; "he
had a better teacher than I had."
WHO?
A SHREWD Yankee came to Boston from New Hamp-
shire to engage in business. His first engagement was
to drive a hack for the accommodation of the visitors at
that fashionable and elegant hotel, the Revere House.
He was soon put in charge of two English gentlemen,
who desired to see Boston and its environs. After a
brief visit to the Navy Yard, they ordered the driver to
take them to Bunker's Hill. Arriving there, the two
gentlemen spent much time in making a thorough exam-
ination of the ground and its surroundings. Having satis-
fied their curiosity so far as the monument was concerned,
they returned to to the hack, where they found the
driver sitting quietly upon his seat. "I say, driver,"
said one of the Englishmen, "this is the place, I
believe, where we Englishmen gave you Yankees a good
thrashing about eighty years since." "Well," says the
driver, "I don't know as I ever heard tell about that,
but who owns the land now?”
106
JOKES AND JESTS,
AN ALARMING ANTAGONIST.
A GASCON having been challenged to fight a duel,
purposely went to the appointed spot, which was fre-
quently used for such encounters, long before the hour
of meeting, and finding the bodies of a couple of duelists
who had killed each other, sat down upon them, and so
quietly awaited his antagonist. The latter, on coming
up saw the Gascon sitting on the two dead bodies, and
asked him what it meant. "It is only," replied the
Gascon, "that whilst I was waiting for you I amused
myself with running through the two gentlemen you see
here." The other thought it as well to make terms with
so formidable a fighter, and the duel did not come off,
much to the satisfaction of the Gascon.
THE USE OF LETTERS.
A SERVANT-LAD freshly arrived from the country, said
to his master, "Sir, I promised to write to my mother
as soon as I should have been some days here. Could
you let me have an old letter which you do not want, to
send her?"
POLITICAL GREEDINESS.
M. DE MONTLAUSIER, alluding to certain members of
the Constituent Assembly who were never weary of
speaking about Liberty, said "They must certainly
think it a good thing, for they wish to have ours as well
as their own."
ON THE MARRIAGE OF MR. JOY TO MISS D. BATES.
No more D. Bates, but always Joy;
The bride, in her new home,
Hath happiness without alloy,
And many Joys to come.
WIT AND HUMOR.
107
THE KING'S PLACE.
In the time of the League, Henry III. showing some
disposition to fly from Paris, "Sire," said De Morny to
him, "What prince could consider you still King of
France if you were compelled to date your letters from
Limoges?"
LOOKING AFTER HIS CREDITORS.
VAUGELAS gave directions in his will, that, in case his
effects should not produce a sum sufficient for the pay-
ment of his debts, his body should be sold to the sur-
geons for as large a sum as it would fetch, and the pro-
ceeds paid over to his creditors.
A SHORT REIGN.
A YOUNG Benedict says, "Man leads woman to the
altar, and here his leadership ends."
A PRELIMINARY OBJECTION EXPLAINED.
A LITTLE child having resolutely refused during a
whole morning to say the letter a, and having been
whipped in vain to cure him of his obstinacy, the teacher
at length took him on his knees, and in a persuasive
voice said, "My little friend, why is it, now, that you
refuse to say the letter a?" The child wept, but made
no answer, and the question had to be repeated again
and again, before he replied "Because I know very
well that as soon as I have said a I shall have to say b."
AN AGREEABLE WAY OF LOOKING AT IT.
THE friends of Diogenes having expressed a wish to
purchase his freedom for him, the philosopher said—
"How foolish you are! The beasts in a menagerie are
108
JOKES AND JESTS,
not the slaves of those who feed them, but their keepers
are their valets."
HOW TO RUIN THE PHYSICIANS.
A MEDICAL man having asked Bourdaloue what meals
he took during the day, that austere priest replied that
he only took one. "Ah!" said the doctor, "pray do
not make the secret of your good health public, or you
will ruin us physicians."
GREY-BEARDS.
THE poet Saint Amand, being one day in company
with a person who had black hair and white beard, he
explained this strange circumstance by saying that the
gentleman probably worked more with his jaws than
with his head.
A CONSOLATION.
MALHERBE, finding a certain courtier one day in a
state of great distress, asked him what was the matter.
"How can I be otherwise than grieved," replied the
other, “when two princes of the blood have just died?”
"Pray be consoled," said Malherbe; "you may be sure
that you will never be without masters."
THE AGE OF POETRY.
MR. FIELDS, the Boston publisher, has a wonderful
memory, and his knowledge of English literature is so
great that when a friend wishes to know where a par-
ticular passage is to be found in an English author, he
goes direct to the famous bibliopole. A would-be wit,
not long ago, thinking to quiz him before a company at
dinner, informed his friends, previous to Mr. Field's
arrival, that he had just written some lines which he
intended to submit to him as Southey's, and to inquire
WIT AND HUMOR.
109
in which of his works they occurred. After the guests
were seated, he began: "Friend Fields, I have been a
good deal troubled of late in searching out in Southey's
poems his well-known lines, running thus "-(repeating
the lines he had composed)" can you tell when he
wrote them, and where they are to be found?" "I do
not remember to have met with them before," replied the
publisher, "and there were
"and there were only two periods in
Southey's life when such lines could possibly have been
written by him." "When were those?" asked the ques-
tioner. "Somewhere," said Mr. F., "about that early
period of his existence when he was having the meas-
les, or cutting his first teeth, or near the close of his
life, when his brain had softened. The versification
belongs to the measles period, but the ideas betray the
idiotic one." The company roared.
MAKING QUITE SURE.
SCARAMOUCHE said, "Hippocrates directs us to get
drunk once a month for health's sake; and, to make
certain of complying with his orders, I get drunk three
times a week."
UNUSUALLY SENSITIVE.
A MAN who saw his medical attendant pass by, sud-
denly turned his head away, and being asked why he
did so, replied, "It is so long since I have been ill,
that I am quite ashamed of seeing him."
A NECESSARY PROVISION.
THE philosopher Crates, a disciple of Diogenes, hav-
ing inherited a considerable fortune, placed it in the
hands of a banker, with directions that it should be
1
110
JOKES AND JESTS,
:
:
reserved for his children, in case they did not become
philosophers. "For," said Crates, "if they become
philosophers they will not need it.” Crates was origin-
ally wealthy, but, being a philosopher, sold his estates
and distributed the purchase money among his unphil-
osophical fellow citizens.
UNCERTAIN ABOUT HIS MASTER.
A GENTLEMAN asked, "Boy, who do you belong to?”
as he stepped on board an American steamboat, and
saw a darkey listlessly leaning on the guards. "I did
b'long to Massa William, when I came aboard, but
he's been in de cabin playin' poker wid de captain 'bove
an hour. I don't know who I b'long to now."
FROM THE HEAD DOWNWARDS.
A CARDINAL having proposed at the Council of Trent
"the reform of the clergy," the Archbishop of Prague
said that it was a most excellent proposition, but could
only be properly carried out by commencing with the
reform of the cardinals.
PERFECT.
MENAGE, being in the convent of the Carthusians
when the picture of St. Bruno was displayed, heard
some one say, "It only wants speech to make it per-
fect." "Then it is perfect," observed Menage, "for it
could not speak without breaking a rule of the convent.”
A SERIOUS BREAKDOWN.
་
A CLERGYMAN in Maine, who objected to the use of
illustrations calculated to provoke mirth in his Sunday-
school, one day offered to address the children in order
WIT AND HUMOR.
111
to show that they could be entertained as well as
instructed in a serious fashion. "Children," said he,
"I am going to tell you about Peter. Who knows who
Peter was?" No answer. "Can not anyone-those
big girls-tell me who Peter was?" Still no reply.
"Can any little boy or girl in the school tell me who Peter
was?" "I can," said a little fellow in the further corner.
"Ah, that's a good boy. Now you come by my side,
and stand up on this chair, and tell those big girls who
Peter was." The little fellow mounted the chair, and in
a shrill voice repeated-
"Peter, Peter, pumpkin eater,
Had a wife and couldn't keep her."
At this point he was stopped by the alarmed clergyman,
but not before the children were roaring with laughter,
as they took up the rhyme and repeated it to the close.
They all knew who Peter was.
COMPLIMENTARY TO GAMESTERS.
LEIBNITZ has said, that men have in nothing displayed
more wit than in games which they have invented; and
that it may be remarked, as a general rule, that the
games are invented by the clever men and played at
best by the fools.
NEVER IN TIME.
A COUNTRY gentleman, who was a bachelor, was in the
habit, whenever he heard of the death of any gentleman
of his neighborhood, of hastening to pay his respects
and offers his services to his widow. One of his
acquaintances joking him on the fact that his offers had
112
JOKES AND JESTS,
never as yet been accepted, he replied "the truth is,
all those I have hitherto been to were already engaged."
NOT SO BAD AS A HERETIC.
WHEN the Duke of Orleans was on the point of set-
ting out to command the armies of Phillip V., King of
Spain, Louis XIV. asked him who he meant to take
with him. The Duke named Fonterpins. "What!
Fonterpins! The son of that fool who has extolled so
highly Doctor Arnauld? A Jansenist! Oh, no! I can-
not have you take such a man as that.” "Sire, I know
nothing about the mother; and as for the son being a
Jansenist, I can only say that he does not believe in
God." "Are you quite sure of that?" "Yes, sire."
"Oh! in that case you may take him with you." Louis
XIV. was much of the same mind as many people in
these days, who hate those who differ from them in
unessential points of belief, but are tolerant of those
whose evil lives show that they believe in nothing.
SOMETHING WORTH LEARNING.
A MONARCH asking some of his more intimate cour-
tiers how they had amused themselves when in the
state prisons to which the follies of youth had some-
times led them, one replied that he had learned mathe-
matics, another that he had studied drawing, and a
third that he had practiced playing on the flute. "And
what did you learn?" said the king, turning to the
fourth. "To take care, sire, never to go there again."
RABBINICAL SEVERITY.
AMONGST the imprecations which the Jewish Rabbins
are said to use is this: "May you have bad neighbors.
""
WIT AND HUMOR.
113
LEGAL DIFFICULTIES.
THE French Judge, Du Harlay, was in the habit of
saying, "Nothing is easier to decide than a law-suit,
when the facts are first laid before the court, and noth-
ing more difficult after the several advocates have
spoken."
FALSE REPORTS.
MADAME DE CORNUEL was very famous in the time of
Madame de Sevigne for her wit. A certain Madame de
Saint Loup having paid her a visit one day, said,
after an hour's interview, "I see, Madame, that they
did not tell the truth who told me that you had lost
your head."
“And I see, Madame,” replied Madame
de Cornuel, “that they did not speak the truth who told
me that had found yours."
you
SECRET CORRESPONDENCE
A SERVANT having been directed by his master to post
some letters which were lying on his desk, took only
those which were undirected. When his master dis-
covered the mistake, and upbraided him, he replied, "I
saw that the letters were undirected, but I thought that
you did not wish any one to know to whom they were
sent."
ADVANTAGES OF ANONYMOUS AUTHORSHIP.
(
THE poet Coleridge he who wrote the "Ancient
Mariner" used to tell the following capital story:-
"When my Lyrical ballads' first came out, it was
anonymously, and they made a good deal of noise. A
few days after they were published, I dined at Mrs.
Barbauld's, and sat beside many-toned' Pinkerton, as
8
114
JOKES AND JESTS,
(
<
he was called, from the number and variety of his writ-
ings. We talked a good deal together, and I found him
very amusing, and full of general information. When
we retired to the drawing-room he led me to a recess,
having taken a copy of the Lyrical Ballads' which lay
on the table. Pray, sir,' said he, 'have you read this
thing?—I have looked into it.' 'Do you know the
author? asked he. 'Do you know the author? echoed
I, resolved not to be caught-No,' said Pinkerton; but
I never read such utter trash as his book, particularly an
extravagant farrago of absurdity called The Ancient
Mariner. Don't you think it insufferable? Coleridge:
"Intolerable!' Pinkerton: Detestable!' Coleridge:
'Abominable!' Pinkerton: 'Odious!' Coleridge: Loath-
some!' Pinkerton: 'Sir, you delight me. It is really
delightful to meet a man of sound taste in these days of
our declining literature. If I have a passion on earth,
it is an abhorrence of these Lyrical Ballads, of which
every one is talking, but more especially of this wretched
Ancient Mariner.' Coleridge: Hush! not a word more!
Here comes our hostess. I know she is acquainted with
the author, and she might be hurt.' Pinkerton (pulling
Coleridge by the button, taking a huge pinch of snuff,
and speaking in a whisper): I'll tell you what, sir, we
mustn't let this matter drop. Let's fix a day for dining
together at the Turk's Head.
We'll have a private
room, a beefsteak, a bottle of old port, pens, ink, and a
quire of foolscap. We'll lay our heads together and
review this thing; and if we don't give it such a slashing,
such a tearing, such a ———' 'If we don't!' said Cole-
ridge. Is it a bargain?'-' Most certainly.'—' Done!'
Done!""
WIT AND HUMOR.
115
A USEFUL ALLY.
DUPONT DE NEMOURS relates, that there used to be at
the gate of the Nivernois Hotel a little shoe-black, who
possessed a large black dog, which procured him custom.
The dog used to dip his great paws into any dirt at
hand, and then rub them upon the boots of the passers-
by. The shoe-black immediately began to shout with
all his might, "Black your shoes, sir?" and generally
succeeded in obtaining a customer. Whilst he was thus
occupied, the dog, knowing that it would be useless to
dirty any more boots just then, quietly watched the
polishing process; but as soon as it over, recommenced
his operations.
DEFECTIVE PHILOSOPHY.
XENOCRATES the philosopher and disciple of Plato,
refusing one day to accept a present of fifty talents offered
by Alexander the Great, on the ground that he could
make no use of them, Alexander exclaimed with aston-
ishment, "What! and you have no friend that is in need
of them? All the wealth of Darius would not enable me
to satisfy the wants of my friends, and yet you cannot
distribute amongst yours a few pieces of gold! Misera-
ble philosophy!"
PAINFULLY ILLUSTRATIVE.
BEFORE the days of chloroform, a quack advertised
that he would draw teeth painlessly. The patient was
placed in the chair, and the instrument applied to his
tooth with a wrench, followed by a roar from the unpleas-
antly surprised sufferer. Stop," said the dentist;
compose yourself. I told you I would give you no
(6
116
JOKES AND JESTS,
pain, but I only gave you that twinge as a specimen to
show Cartwright's method of operating." Again the
instrument was applied: another tug, another roar.
"Now, don't be impatient; this is Dumerge's way: be
seated and calm yourself. You will now be sensible of
the superiority of my method." Another application;
another tug, another roar. "Now, pray be quiet, that
is Parkinson's mode, and you don't like it, and no won-
der." By this time the tooth hung by a thread; and,
whipping it out, the operator exultingly exclaimed,
"That is my mode of tooth-drawing without pain; and
you are now enabled to compare it with the operations
of Cartwright, Dumerge, and Parkinson."
A CREDITABLE SUGGESTION.
A YOUNG gentleman said to an old aunt, whose fortune
he was anxiously expecting, "If you are resolved not to
die, at least pretend to be dead for four and twenty hours
and then I can obtain credit."
A WIT'S EXCUSE.
BEAUMARCHAIS having allowed himself to be maltreated
by the Duke de Chaulnes, without attempting to cross
swords with him, subsequently received a challenge from
a M. de la Blache, to which he replied, "No, sir; I have
already received a better offer."
A TRUTH WHICH HAS OFTEN BEEN FORGOTTEN.
SENECA observing one day that Nero was ready to
sacrifice many persons on the bare suspicion of treason,
boldly said to him, "No matter how many persons you
may destroy, you cannot destroy your successor."
WIT AND HUMOR.
117
DEATH IDLE.
A CANDIDATE for office wishing to describe his oppo-
nent as a man without a soul, said, "Some persons
hold the opinion that just at the precise moment one
human being dies, another is born, and that the soul of
the deceased enters and animates the new-born babe.
Now, I have made particular inquiries concerning my
opponent, and I found that for some hours before he
drew breath nothing but a donkey died. Fellow citi-
zens, I leave you to draw the inference."
A CORRECT INFERENCE.
A CHARLATAN once presented himself to a great
nobleman who suffered cruelly from the gout, and
offered an infallible remedy. "How did you enter this
town?" asked the nobleman. "On foot." "Then be
off with you; for if you really possessed such a remedy
as you describe, you would long since have ridden in
your coach and six."
PUNCTUAL IN SELF-DEFENSE.
BOILEAU said, "I always keep appointments to the
minute; for I have noticed that if you keep people
waiting they are sure to amuse themselves by talking
about your defects."
COMBING AN M. P.
A MEMBER of the Parliament which had condemned
Montrose, Charles Stuart's general, to be beheaded,
said to him, “How do you amuse yourself in prison?”
"As long as my head belonged to myself," replied the
general, "I used to amuse myself by combing it; but
now that it belongs to you, I do not think it worth
while."
118
JOKES AND JESTS,
-
A CAPITAL SUGGESTION.
TAUREGUY, the Spanish painter, was as bad a poet
as he was excellent as an artist. On a certain occasion,
when one of his comedies was being represented and
hissed, a friend said to him, "Taureguy, if you wish
your comedies to be applauded, you must paint them."
A PROOF OF HONESTY.
A RICH miser being asked what he thought of his
neighbor, who was very poor, replied, "He is a very
honest man, for during the forty years he has lived next
door to me he has never asked me for anything."
THE ADVANTAGE OF CANDOR.
BEFORE sending Chancel de la Grange, author of
the infamous "Philippics," to the isle of Sainte
Marguerite, the Regent Orleans asked him whether he
really thought all the ill he had written of him. "Yes,"
replied La Grange-" Ah! That is well," said the
Regent; "for if you had written about me evil which
you did not think, I should have had you hung."
NOT QUITE KINGLY.
It is said that Cardinal Fleury, speaking one day to
Louis XV. on the necessity of acquiring knowledge,
observed" If your Majesty were to have a dauphin
who knew more than yourself, he might possibly send
you off with a pension, as happened to Childeric."
Instead of appearing at all startled by this remark, the
young prince said, "And would the pension be a large
one?"
A REASON FOR NOT BEING CURIOUS.
MADAME DE ROCHFORT was asked one day whether she
WIT AND HUMOR.
119
should like to know the future. "No!" she replied,
"it would be too much like the past."
1
WHAT'S IN A TRIFLE.
AN Ancient Philosopher was in the habit of saying,
that perfection depended frequently on a mere trifle, but
was never a mere trifle itself.
MATHEMATICAL THEOLOGY.
THE celebrated Ozanam, so well known for his devotion
to mathematical studies, was in the habit of saying,
when any one endeavored to draw him into a discussion
on religion" It is for the doctors of the Sorbonne to
dispute, for the Pope to decide, and for mathematicians
to go to heaven in a straight line.”
A LOVE SCRAPE.
MR. BRADSHAW, who represented Canterbury some
fifty years ago, fell in love with Miss Tree, the actress,
and, hearing she was about to perform at Birmingham,
and had engaged a seat in the mail, he booked all the
rest of the seats for himself in the name of Tomkins,
and resolved to make the most of the opportunity offered
him. Unfortunately, his luggage and the songstress
went by one mail, while he, through a mistake, traveled
by another. Captain Gronow tells the rest of the story
in his recently published "Reminiscences": " On
arriving at Birmingham, early in the morning, he left
the coach and stepped into the hotel, determined to
remain there, and go to the theater on the following
evening. He went to bed, and slept late the following
day, when, on waking, he remembered that his trunk
120
JOKES AND JESTS,
*
6
..
with all his money had gone on to Manchester, and that
he was without the means of paying his way. Seeing
the Bank of Birmingham opposite the hotel, he went
over and explained his position to one of the partners,
giving his own banker's address in London, and showing
letters addressed to him as Mr. Bradshaw. Upon this
he was told that, with such credentials, he might have a
loan; and the banker said he would write the necessary
letter and check, and send the money over to him at
the hotel. Mr. Bradshaw pleased with this kind atten-
tion, sat himself down comfortably to breakfast in the
coffee-room. According to promise, the cashier made
his appearance at the hotel, and asked the waiter for
Mr. Bradshaw. No such gentleman here,' was the
reply. Oh, yes, he came by the London mail.'No,
sir; no one came but Mr. Tomkins, who was booked as
inside passenger to Manchester.' The cashier was dis-
satisfied; but the waiter added, Sir, you can look
through the window of the coffee-room door, and see the
gentleman yourself.' On doing so, he beheld Mr.
Tomkins, alias Mr. Bradshaw, and immediately returned
to the bank, telling what he himself had heard and seen.
The banker went over to the hotel, had a consultation
with the landlord, and it was determined that a watch
should be placed upon the suspicious person who had
two names and no luggage, and who was booked to
Manchester, but had stopped at Birmingham. The
landlord summoned boots-a little lame fellow of most
ludicrous appearance and pointing to the gentleman in
the coffee-room, told him his duty for the day was to
follow him wherever he went, and never to lose sight of
WIT AND HUMOR.
121
him; but above all to take care that he did not get
away. Boots nodded assent, and immediately mounted
guard. Mr. Bradshaw, having taken his breakfast and
read the papers, looked at his watch, and saillied forth to
see something of the goodly town of Birmingham. He
was much surprised at observing a little odd-looking
man surveying him most attentively, and watching his
every movement; stopping whenever he stopped, and
evidently taking a deep interest in all he did. At last,
observing that he was the object of this incessant
espionage, and finding that he had a shilling left in his
pocket, he hailed one of the coaches that ran short
distances in those days, when omnibusses were not.
This, however, did not suit little "boots," who went up
to him and insisted that he must not leave the town.
Mr. Bradshaw's indignation was naturally excessive, and
he immediately returned to the hotel, where he found
a constable ready to take him before the mayor as an
imposter and swindler. He was compelled to appear
before his worship, and had the mortification of being
told that unless he could give some explanation, he must
be content with a night's lodging in a house of deten-
tion. Mr. Bradshaw had no alternative but to send to
the fair charmer of his heart to identify him; which she
most readily did, as soon as rehearsal was over. Expla-
nations were then entered into; but he was forced to
give the reason of his being in Birmingham, which of
course made a due impression on the lady's heart, and
led to the happy consequence of their interviews-a
marriage, which resulted in the enjoyment of mutual
happiness for many years.'
وو
122
JOKES AND JESTS,
COOL, EVEN FOR WINTER.
PETER THE GREAT, in the course of his second journey
in Holland, passed by Dantzic, and sat one Sunday at
church beside the Burgomaster. The service was long
and it was winter time. The monarch, who was bald,
soon found the cold strike his head unpleasantly, and
turning to his neighbor, took off the enormous wig worn
by him, and placed it on his own head. At the con-
clusion of the service he returned it with a polite bow."
“A HORSE, A HORSE.”
An honest grazier, who had seen Richard the Third
performed at a country theater, waited upon the mana-
ger next morning to say, that if the gentleman who
wanted a horse on the previous evening held his mind,
he had got an abundance of tidy nags in his meadows,
and should be happy to have a deal with him.
A CREDITOR'S PROTEST.
A CERTAIN man, seeing another who owed him five
pounds at death's door, said, “Come now, pay me; it is
quite time you did." "Pray let me die in peace," said
the debtor. "No! no! my good man," replied the
creditor, "You don't die before you have paid me."
THE HEAD OF THE STATE.
CHARLES V., having partly recovered from an attack
of gout, walked in so grotesque a manner that the Count
de Buren could not refrain from laughing.
"What are
you laughing at?" said the Emperor. "On seeing your
unequal step, sire, I seemed to observe the empire, like
yourself, tottering, now on one foot and now on the
other." "Refrain from entertaining any such thoughts,"
WIT AND HUMOR.
123
said Charles, with a mixture of severity and gentleness,
"and remember that it is the head, and not the feet,
which governs the State."
HEARING BY DEPUTY.
HENRY IV., of France, having in vain told a tedious
orator, that he would be obliged to him if he would make
his compliments as brief as possible, at length rose and
said, "You must be kind enough to say the rest to M.
Guillaume (the Court fool).
A VERBAL DISTINCTION.
CARDINAL FLEURY called the farmers of the taxes the
pillars of the state; but the people called them the
pillagers.
THE REAL LOSERS.
THE Count Dubarry had, as a resource in the midst
of all his wild expenses, the treasures of the State, which
he exhausted. Boldly confident in this, he said one day
to the lookers on, who appeared to compassionate him
on account of the vast sums he was losing at play. "My
friends, you should not pity me, but I should pity you;
for though I lose, you have to pay."
""
SHOCKING SELFISHNESS.
THE common hearse of a town in Connecticut having
got into a dilapidated condition, a subscription was set
on foot to repair it, and the committee called on an
eccentric gentleman who lived in the place to solicit his
subscription. "No!" was the surly response, "I won't
give a single cent. Twenty years ago I subscribed five
dollars to build the old thing, and neither my family nor
à
•
124
JOKES AND JESTS,
myself ever had any use for it from that day to this, and I
won't give a cent to repair it."
A MOVING SPEECH.
A VERY indifferent orator having concluded an address,
asked of Catullus whether he had excited compassion-
"Certainly,” replied the latter, "for every one who heard
you has pitied you."
PHILOSOPHICAL ASTONISHMENT.
A GREAT talker, having seized hold of Aristotle, wea-
ried him by his long and miserable stories. "Well,” said
the babbler at length, "are you not astonished?" "The
only thing I am astonished at," said Aristotle, "is that
any one who has feet to run away on, should stop to
hear you."
A SWEEPING REBUKE.
A VAIN man, boasting that he had purchased an estate,
which, though of small extent, had on it a very large
house, his acquaintance replied, "In that case you will
want more brooms than plows.'
""
PAT'S CONFESSION.
Down in Aroostook County, Maine, a Scotchman
and an Irishman happened to be journeying together
through the interminable forests of that region, and by
some mishap had lost their way and wandered about in
a most pitiable condition for a while, when they fortun-
ately came across a miserable hovel, which was deserted
save by a lone chicken. As this poor biped was the
only thing eatable to be obtained, they eagerly dispatched
it and prepared for a supper. When laid before them,
WIT AND HUMOR.
125
Pat concluded that it was insufficient for the support of
both himself and Sawney, and therefore a proposition
was made to his companion that they should keep the
chicken until the next morning, and that the one who
had the most pleasant dream should have the chicken,
which was agreed to. In the morning Sawney told his
dream. He thought angels were drawing him to heaven
in a basket, and he was never before so happy. When
he concluded narrating his dream, Pat exclaimed, "Och,
sure, and I saw you going, and I thought you would'nt
come back after the chicken, and so I got up and ate
it myself!"
A SHILLING FOR NOTHING.
Ar the representation of a comedy called "The Man-
ufacturer," one of the actors on making his appearance
on the stage, announced that "The Manufacturer" was
bankrupt, and had left the country. "Oh, dear me !"
cried one of the spectators, "then I have paid my shill-
ing for nothing!"
NOT AFFECTED BY THE BAROMETER.
DR. HOUGH, who died Bishop of Worcester, was one
of the most amiable men that ever existed. He pos-
sessed a very curious barometer, for which he had paid
two hundred guineas. One day a young man, belonging
to a family on intimate terms with the bishop, paid him
a visit, and was received with much cordiality; but,
unfortunately, the servant, in handing him a chair,
broke the precious barometer. The
The young gentleman
began to express his deep vexation at having been the
innocent cause of the accident; but the bishop stopped
him, with a smile, saying, "There has been a great deal
126
JOKES AND JESTS,
•
of drought lately, but now that the barometer is so low
we may hope for rain."
A GOOD CHARACTER.
SCYLLA was so cruel that it was said of him, that if he
ever met Pity in his road, he would cut her throat.
THE DOCTRINE OF DIVINE RIGHT.
If the Plague, said a writer of the 17th century, had
pensions, titles, and good appointments to give away,
there would be found theologians sufficiently vile, and
lawyers sufficiently base, to argue that it rules by divine
right, and that to endeavor to escape its malign influence
is an offense against God. There are some who so
argue, though the Plague has nothing to bestow but
death.
WISER THAN HIS FLATTERERS.
THE dauphin, father of Louis XVI., having drawn out
with his own hand some plans of magnificent palaces
and gardens, those to whom he showed them praised the
beauty of the designs, the justice of the proportions, and
the elegance of the general effect. "There is one great
merit,” at length said the dauphin, "which you have
not observed, and that is, that they will cost the nation
nothing, for they will never be executed."
TOO SMALL FOR TWO.
FREDERIC II., whilst looking out of a window,
observed in a mirror, that one of his pages was taking
a pinch of snuff out of his box which lay on a table
behind him. The king, turning round, said "Is that
snuff-box to your taste?" "It is very handsome,”
replied the page. "Keep it," said Frederic, "for it is
too small for two.'
""
WIT AND HUMOR.
127
WHY A CONSERVATIVE.
ALFIERI in some of his works promulgated the most
democratic opinions which he afterwards abjured. Being
asked the reasons which had induced him so greatly to
alter views, he replied "When I expressed democratic
opinions I was only acquainted with the great, but I
have since become acquainted with the little."
HERE AND THERE.
PHILIP III., King of Spain, having granted an amnesty
to all the citizens of a rebel city, with the exception of
some few whom he considered more culpable than the
rest, one of his courtiers told him the hiding-place of a
gentleman who was not included in the amnesty. "You
should rather,” said the king, "have told him that I was
here, than have told me that he was there."
A MOROSE ISLANDER.
AN Englishman and a German were traveling together
in a diligence, and both smoking. The German did all
in his power to draw his companion into conversation,
but to no purpose; at one moment he would, with a
superabundance of politeness, apologize for drawing his
attention to the fact that the ash of his cigar had fallen
on his waistcoat, or a spark was endangering his necker-
chief. At length the Englishman exclaimed.
“Why
the deuce can't you leave me alone? Your coat-tail has
been burning for the last ten minutes, but I didn't
bother you about it."
ORDERING A RETREAT.
In an engagement in which the hostile troops were
much the more numerous, a superior officer, addressing
128
JOKES AND JESTS.
!
General Desaix, said, "General, what do you order?
The retreat, of course?" "Yes! the retreat of the
enemy,” replied Desaix; and, at the same time giving
orders to sound the charge, he advanced his whole line,
and in the course of a quarter of an hour had put the
enemy to flight.
TOO POOR.
CAMUS, Bishop of Bellay, having been once requested
to recommend from the pulpit to the generosity of the
faithful, a poor girl, who had not been able to remain
in a certain nunnery for want of a sufficient dowry, did
so in these terms, "My brethren, I recommend to your
charity a young girl whom the nuns of have not
considered sufficiently rich to take the vow of poverty."
A STATESMAN'S LOVE-MAKING.
Webster, the American
The following story has
THE Courting days of Daniel
statesman, were pleasant ones.
been told of his love-making: "He was then a lawyer.
At one of his visits to Miss Grace Fletcher he had,
probably with a view to utility and enjoyment, been
holding skeins of silk thread for her, when suddenly
he stopped, saying, 'Grace, we have long been engaged
in untying knots; let us see if we cannot tie a knot, one
which will not untie for a lifetime.' He then took a
piece of tape, and after beginning a knot of a peculiar
kind, gave it to her to complete. This was the cere-
mony and the ratification of their engagement. In the
little box marked by him with the words 'precious doc-
uments,' containing the letters of his early courtship,
this unique memorial is still to be found the knot
never untied."
WIT AND HUMOR
129
TWO KINDS OF POVERTY.
A FRIEND of Bayle's speaking with that philosopher
respecting the poverty of authors, he said, "Ah! my
friend, and unfortunately the number of poor authors is
as great as the number of authors who are poor."
THE VALUE OF AGNORANCE.
A PHILOSOPHER to whom an Emperor, a friend of lit-
erature, had given an important literary post, frequently
replied to those who questioned him as to the extent of
his knowledge, "I know nothing." An ignorant fellow
hearing him say this one day, rejoined, "But the
Emperor pays you for your knowledge?" "The Empe-
ror,” replied the philosopher, "certainly pays me for
what I know, but if he paid me for what I do not know
all the riches of his empire would not make up the
amount."
THE LAW OF EVIDENCE.
DELPHIDIUS, a very bitter and vehement orator, having
accused a man to the Emperor Julian, and perceiving
that the proofs he adduced were not sufficient to counter-
balance in the emperor's opinion the accused's steadfast
denial of the charge, exclaimed, "If every one is
acquitted who declares that he is wrongly accused, who-
ever can be found guilty?" "And if every one is to be
found guilty because he is accused," retorted Julian,
"who can be accounted innocent?"
QUILL V. BATON.
v.
MARSHAL DURAS, who was intrusted in 1780 with the
surveillance of theaters, was attacked by one of the
journalists of the day, in an article, on account of the
A
9
130
JOKES AND JESTS,
vexatious proceedings of the marshal toward a certain
actress; whereupon the soldier threatened to give the
writer a sound thrashing. "Very well," said the jour-
nalist, "In that case he will at least have made some
use of his marshal's baton."
AT HOME AT NIGHT
THE learned Cheurean, being on a balcony in Venice
on a certain occasion with the Duchess of Osnabruck,
who afterwards became Duchess of Hanover, made her
observe that her husband was in earnest conversation
with a very beautiful lady. "Ah!" exclaimed the
duchess," he may do what he likes with his heart in the
dạy, if he only brings it home to me at night.
EQUALLY DANGEROUS.
""
THE ancient sage, Bias, having been asked which was
the most dangerous and cruel of all beasts? replied-
that amongst wild beasts it was the tyrant; and amongst
tame ones, the flatterer.
TUNES OUT OF TIME.
In a small church at a little village, near Brighton,
where the congregation could not afford to pay an
organist, they recently bought a self-acting organ, a
compact instrument, well suited to the purpose, and
constructed to play forty different tunes. The sexton
had instructions how to set it going, and how to stop it;
but, unfortunately, he forgot the latter part of his busi-
ness, and, after singing the first four verses of a
hymn previous to the sermon, the organ could not be
stopped, and it continued playing two verses more; then,
just as the clergyman completed the words, "Let us
WIT AND HUMOR.
131
pray," the organ clicked and started a fresh tune. The
minister sat it out patiently, and then renewed his intro-
ductory words, "Let us pray," when click went the
organ again, and started off on another tune. The
sexton and others continued their exertions to find out
the spring, but no one could put a stop to it; so they
got four of the stoutest men in the church to shoulder
the perverse instrument, and they carried it down the
centre aisle of the church, playing away, into the church-
yard, where it continued clicking and playing until the
whole forty tunes were finished.
(
“A LITTLE MORE SLUMBER."
A GASCON, aide-de-camp to a French marshal, was
awakened one morning from a deep sleep by his valet,
who told him that "the boot-and-saddle" had been
sounded, and that the general was already on parade.
"Alas!" exclaimed the gascon, "to think that I should
be in bed when the marshal is on his horse! Close
quick the curtains; I am unworthy to see the light!"
:
ONLY FOR SHOW.
A WEALTHY man displaying one day his jewels to a
philosopher, the latter said, "Thank you, sir, for being
willing to share such magnificent jewels with me."
"Share them with you, sir? What do you mean?”
"Why, you allow me to look at them, and what more
can you do with them yourself?”
A REASONABLE ARRANGEMENT.
A COLORED firm in Newark, New Jersey, having suf-
fered some pecuniary embarrassments, recently closed
business, and the senior member gave to the public the
i
132
JOKES AND JESTS,
following "notis:"_"The partnership heretofore sub-
sisting betwixt me and Moses Jones in the barber
professhun is dissolved. Persons who owes must pay
to the subscriber. Them what the firm owes must call
on Jones."
A RARE BOOK.
always be reckoned by
A Bibliomaniac having
THE value of a thing cannot
the price which it may fetch.
one day purchased a book at an absurd price, some one
observed to him that it was very dear. "Ah! but then
it is very rare."
"But suppose it should be reprinted?"
"Reprinted? What nonsense! No one would buy a
copy of it."
THE SIGN OF FORGIVENESS.
TIBERIUS was the cruelest as well as the most vindictive
of tyrants. He was in the habit of inventing methods
to prolong the sufferings of the enemies whom he had
condemned to death, and it was looked upon as a gener-
ous act on his part when he allowed them to be promptly
executed. A certain citizen having earnestly entreated
that he would put an end to his torture by having
him at once destroyed, he coldly replied, "No, I have
not yet forgiven you."
DAILY EXERCISE.
LOUIS XIV. joking the Duke of Vivonue on his exces-
sive stoutness, in the presence of the Duke d'Aumont
who was equally fat, remonstrated with him on his not
taking sufficient exercise." Whoever has told your
Majesty that I do not," he replied, "has not told the
truth; for there is not a day that I do not go at least
three times round my Cousin d'Aumont."
WIT AND HUMOR.
133
13
TWO REPUTATIONS IN DANGER.
THE handwriting of Marshal de Villeroi, governor of
Louis XV., was perfectly illegible. One day he sent a
note to Cardinal Fleury, the young monarch's tutor, of
which the Cardinal could not decipher a word, and
which he had consequently, to send back, with a request
that the Marshal would communicate his wishes in a
more legible manner. The Marshal sent a second note,
to which the Cardinal replied "Your second epistle
is not a bit more legible than the first; and I must
express a hope that you will cease to write to me, lest
the world should say, 'The king has a governor who
cannot write, and a tutor who cannot read."
TESTING HIS HONESTY.
THE celebrated Lessing was remarkable for absence of
mind. Having missed money at different times, with-
out being able to discover who took it, he determined
to put the honesty of his servant to the test, and left a
handful of gold upon the table. "Of course you counted
it," said one of his friends.-"Count it!" rejoined
Lessing, rather embarrassed; "no, I forgot to do that."
AN IMPERIAL EXAMPLE.
WHILST the continental blockade was being enforced
in all its strictness, the Emperor Napoleon, passing
through a village, perceived the smell of roasting coffee.
As he drew near the clerical residence, he saw the village
priest quietly turning the handle of his coffee-roaster,
and exclaimed, "Ah! ah! Mr. Priest, I have caught
you! Just tell me, please, what you are doing there?”
"As you see, sire," replied the priest, with the utmost
134
JOKES AND JESTS,
self-possession, as he continued to turn the machine, "I
am following your majesty's example, by burning
colonial produce."
A PUBLIC LIBRARY.
JEAN GROSLIER, Secretary of Francis I., in the 16th
century, had a great reputation as a man of science and
of letters. He possessed a fine library, and so willing
that it should be useful to others as well as to himself,
that he had stamped upon the covers of all his books-
"I belong to Groslier and his friends."
THE PRICE OF PEACE.
FRERON said, that to live in peace with all the world,
it is not only necessary to refrain from intermeddling
with the affairs of others, but also to allow others to
intermeddle with yours.
COBWEBS.
ANACHARSIS having been informed by Solon that he
was employed in drawing up a code of laws for the gov-
ernment of the Athenians, derided his occupation, saying
"Laws are spider-webs, which catch the little flies,
but cannot hold the big ones."
NOT COMPLIMENTARY TO THE HUSBAND.
A BEAUTIFUL woman who wore on her bosom a mina-
ture likeness of her husband, who was the reverse of
handsome, asked the poet Moore, "whom he thought the
portait resembled?"_"I think," said the poet, "it is
like the Saracen's Head on Snow Hill.".
GETTING OUT OF A DIFFICULTY.
SANTEUL, the Jesuit wit and poet, was an inveterate
WIT AND HUMOR.
135
card-player. One day he was summoned to the pulpit
whilst engaged in a game of piquet. He got up, taking
his cards with him, and concealing them under his coat.
Unfortunately, as he was preaching, he extended his
arms with a vehement gesture, and let fall his cards,
which flew in all directions about the church. The
congregation, of course, appeared much scandalized; but
Santeul quietly called a child of some ten years towards
him, and said, "What is that card which you hold in
your hand?" "The queen of spades," replied the boy.
"And which is the first of the three theological virtues?"
"I don't know." "Ah! my brethren," cried Santeul with
a burst of indignation, "behold how you teach your chil-
dren the name of the cards, and neglect to teach them
which is the first of the virtues!"
THE ONE AND THE OTHER.
WHEN the chief of the Scotish clan Macnab, emigrated
to Canada with a hundred clansmen, he, on arriving at
Toronto, called on his namesake, the late Sir Allan, and
left his card as "The Macnab." Sir Allan returned his
visit, leaving as his card, "The other Macnab."
A CASE OF IDENTITY.
A NORMAN peasant having confided a pan full of milk
to one of his neighbors, found, when asked for it, that it
had disappeared. There was a great to-do about the
matter, and at length a law-suit. When the case came
before the judge, the man to whom the milk had been
intrusted was condemned to pay its value, although he
stoutly maintained that it had been devoured by the
flies. "You should have killed the flies," said the
judge. "What!" said the defendant, "is it lawful, then,
136
JOKES AND JESTS,
1
to kill flies?" "Certainly," replied the judge, “where-
ever you may find them." As he uttered these words,
the rustic, perceiving a fly on the judge's cheek, leaned
towards him, and gave him a sound slap, saying, "See
now! I'll wager that that greedy fly on your cheek was
one of the fellows who drank up the milk."
A SOCIAL DANGER.
A FRENCHMAN, Who had lost an appointment he held,
having publicly declared that it would cost the lives of
more than five hundred persons, this statement came to
the ears of the police authorities, who had him arrested,
and asked him what he meant by such a threat? "I
have threatened no one," he replied; "I only meant
that I was about to turn doctor."
THINGS OUT OF PLACE,
A MISER, whose money-chest was always closed, but
whose mouth was always open to say foolish things, was
once told by a wit to put his tongue into his strong-box,
and his money into his pocket.
A SCOTCH NOTION OF ENGLISHMEN.
WHEN Nelson's famous signal was hoisted, "England
expects every man to do his duty," two Scotchmen were
standing by. One pulled a long, sour face, and said,
"Ech, Sandie, there's naething there about puir auld
Scotland." Hoot, mon," said Sandie, "Scotland kens
well enough her bairns always do their duty. It's only
a hint to those sluggish Englishers.”
66
A REASON FOR NOT BUYING.
MANY a glorious speculation has failed for the same
good reason that the old Texan ranger gave when he
WIT AND HUMOR.
137
was asked why he didn't buy land while it was dog
cheap? "Well, I did come nigh onto taking eight
thousand acres once't," said old Joe, mournfully. "You
see, two of the boys came in one day from an Indian
hunt without any shoes, and offered me their titles to
two leagues just below for a pair of boots." "For a
pair of boots! Then why on earth did you not take the
acres? They'd be worth a hundred thousand dollars
to-day. Why didn't you give them the boots?" "Just
because I didn't have the boots to give," said old Joe, as
he took another chew of tobacco, quite as contented as
if he owned two hundred leagues of land.
A PRECOCIOUS BARGAINER.
A TEACHER in a public school having occasion to pun-
ish one of his pupils for some misdeamenor, placed him
on a form to wait until he had heard some classes recite.
While the teacher was occupied the culprit escaped.
Vexed at this, the teacher promised another scholar a
shilling if he would bring the runaway back; but before
this was accomplished, the boy who had escaped heard
of the proffered reward, and sent word to the teacher
that he would "take the licking for sixpence, cash
down."
NOT WONDERFUL IN THE DEAD.
A MAN, a small linendraper, went to the morgue to
ask for the body of a missing relative—in fact, an uncle
who was supposed to have money. "Has my uncle
come here," he inquired, as if speaking of a morning
call. "Many uncles," replied the officer. "But mine
is a large uncle, fat, well-dressed, and must have
138
JOKES AND JESTS,
J
'arrived' within three days." "Impossible to say,"
replied the functionary, "so many drop in upon us!
Had your uncle any peculiarity by which his body
could be recognized after death?" "Certainly," replied
the nephew; "you would know him at once he was
stone deaf."
A MIMIC TAKEN IN.
MR. TATTERSALL and Charles Mathews, the elder,
were very intimate, and the great comedian was fre-
quently in the habit of accompanying his friend to New-
market, where, on one occasion, Mathews indulged in
his well-known taste for mimicry, at the expense of
Mr. Tattersall, during a sale of blood stock conducted
by the latter. "The first lot, gentlemen," echoed
Mathews, in precisely the same tone of voice, "is a bay
filly by Smolensko." The auctioneer looked somewhat
annoyed, but proceeded, "What shall we say to begin
with?" "What shall we say to begin with?" answered
the echo. Still endeavoring to conceal his vexation,
Mr. Tattersall inquiringly called out, "One hundred
guineas?" "One hundred guineas," echoed Mathews.
"Thank you, sir," cried Mr. Tattersall, bringing down
the hammer with a bang, "the filly is yours." Mathews
was considerably taken aback by his sudden acquisition
of "blood stock," and the company enjoyed the joke
immensely.
AN UNGRATEFUL REMINDER.
DURING the American Civil War, Lieutenant Jn,
of the 16th regiment, was walking down Main street,
Utica, when he was accosted by a fellow, half soldier,·
half beggar, with a most reverential salute. "God bless
WIT AND HUMOR.
139
your honor," said the man, whose accent betrayed him
to be Irish, "and long life to you." "How do you know
me?" said the lieutenant. "Is it how do I know your
honor?" responded Pat. "Good right, sure, I have to
know the man who saved my life in battle." The lieu-
tenant, highly gratified by this tribute to his valor, slid
a fifty cent bill into the Irishman's hand, and asked him
where he had the good fortune to save his precious life?
"God bless your honor, and long life to you," said the
grateful veteran; "sure it was at Antietam, when, seeing
your honor run away as fast as your legs could carry
you, I followed your lead, and saved my life. Good luck
to your honor; I will never forget it to you."
UNBRIDLED.
A CLERICAL gentleman having said in his sermon in
the morning that reason was given to us to enable us to
bridle our passions, became so drunk in the evening, that
he had to be carried home. On the following day one
of his parishioners asked him what he had done with his
bridle on the previous evening? when he replied, “To
tell the truth, I took it off to drink."
A DISCERNING KING.
66 I
A COURTIER said to Gustavus III., King of Sweden,
“So-and-so has entered into a plot against you."
know,” replied the king, "that you and he are enemies.
Go and be reconciled with him, and then I will hear
what you have to
have to say against him."
SPEAKING FROM EXPERIENCE.
MILTON having been asked why a king might be
invested with the crown in certain kingdoms at the age
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JOKES AND JESTS,
*
of fourteen, whilst he could not marry until eighteen,
replied, "Because it is easier to govern a kingdom than
a woman.”
A GREAT RELIEF.
WHEN Cardinal Mazarin gave anything it was always
with reluctance; and, referring to this characteristic, the
Count de Bussy said, "One would rather receive any-
thing from that minister than from another, for he
always relieves one from any sense of gratitude."
A CLAIM OF RIGHT.
In the old times, when almost every offense was a
hanging matter, a sweep, who had been convicted of a
petty theft, having been condemned to be executed with
a highwayman, the latter first ascended the scaffold,
richly dressed, and listened with great apparent attention
to the exhortations of the prison chaplain. The sweep
mounted in his turn, and drew near to the minister,
when the highwayman haughtily bade him to stand back,
and know his place!" "No, I shan't," said the sweep,
"I have as good a right to be here as you.”
MUCH TOO FOND OF HIM.
TOWARDS the close of the tenth century there lived in
Catalonia a saint named Ronald, and the people of that
country had such an opinion of his sanctity, that they
once formed the design of killing him, lest he should die
elsewhere, and they thus be deprived of his relics.
THE ITALIAN STYLE.
A STUPID Country gentleman was one day expressing
his disapproval of an octagon saloon in a nobleman's
house in London, when some one observed that it was an
WIT AND HUMOR.
141
Italian saloon.
"Ah," said the country gentleman, “I
thought nothing so ugly could have been built in
England."
RELIGIOUSLY OBEDIENT.
Two monks, the one a Franciscan and the other a
Dominican, traveling together, came to the verge of a
river. The Dominican said to the Franciscan, that as
he went barefooted, he was bound by the rules of his
order to carry him (the Dominican) over, and that if he
did not do so he would commit a great sin. The Fran-
ciscan admitted the truth of this observation, and took
his companion on his shoulders. When they were in the
midst of the ford, the Franciscan asked the other if he
had any money about him. "Yes," said the latter, "I
have." “Ah, then, I beg your pardon, father, but the
rules of my order prevent me from carrying money;"
and, so saying, he threw his burden into the water.
WHITTLING HIS CHANCE AWAY.
A YOUNG Yankee had formed an attachment for the
daughter of a rich old farmer, and after agreeing with
the "bonnie lassie" went to the farmer to ask his consent.
During the conversation, he whittled away at a stick.
The old man watched the movements of the knife, at
the same time continuing to talk on the prospects of his
future son-in-law, as he supposed, until the stick was
reduced to nothing. He then said: "You have a fine
property, you have steady habits, you are good enough
looking; but you can't have my daughter. Had you
made something, no matter what, of the stick you whit-
tled away, you could have had her: as it is you cannot.
Your property will go as the stick did, little by little,
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JOKES AND JESTS.
until all is gone, and your family reduced to want. I
have read your character; you have my answer."
ANTITHESIS.
In the index to a recent treatise on parochial law,
under the letter V., appears the following, "Vagabonds
-see Sheriffs."
A JUST CONCLUSION.
A SCHOOLMASTER of Toledo was one day visited by an
acquaintance who asked him to lend him fifty ducats.
The schoolmaster consented to do so, and handed his
friend a purse of reals, which the borrower put into his
pocket without counting. The schoolmaster, noticing
this, asked for the purse again, for the purpose of seeing
whether he had given the right sum; and then, putting
it into his pocket, he said, "A man who borrows money
without counting, is never likely to repay it."
TOO FAST FOR A LADY'S MAID.
A DUCHESS, requiring a lady's maid, had an interview
with one to whom, after having examined her appear-
ance, she said:
"Of course you'll be able to dress my
hair for me?"
"Oh, yes,” replied the girl; "it never
takes me more than half an hour to dress a lady's hair."
"Half an hour, my child!" exclaimed the duchess in
accents of terror, "and what on earth, then, should I be
able to do with myself all the remainder of the morn-
ing."
A GOLDEN WITNESS.
CHARLES, Earl of Peterborough, entertained a great
dislike for the Duke of Marlborough, who was very
penurious. A beggar one day asking alms of him,
WIT AND HUMOR.
143
addressed him by mistake as "My Lord Marlborough."
"I am not the Duke of Marlborough," said the earl;
and, to prove it to you, here is a guinea."
FINDING HIM OUT IN TIME.
In the life of Dr. Raffles, the following story is told
in connection with a preaching journey in 1814: "On
our way from Wem to Hawkestone we passed a house,
of which Mr. Lee told me the following occurrence:
A
young lady, the daughter of the owner of the house, was
addressed by a man, who, though agreeable to her, was
disliked by her father. Of course he would not consent
to their union, and she determined to elope. The night
was fixed, the hour came, he placed the ladder to the
window, and, in a few minutes, she was in his arms.
They mounted a double horse, and were soon at some
distance from the house. After a while the lady broke
silence by saying: "Well, you see what a proof I have
given you of my affection; I hope you will make me a
good husband.' He was a surly fellow, and gruffly
answered, Perhaps I may, and perhaps not.' She
made no reply, but, after a silence of some minutes, she
suddenly exclaimed, "Oh, what shall we do? I have left
my money behind me in my room.' Then,' said he,
we must go back and fetch it.' They were soon back
at the house, the ladder was again placed, and the lady
remounted, while the ill-natured lover waited below.
But she delayed to come, and so he gently called, Are
you coming?' when she looked out of the window aud
said, 'Perhaps I may, and perhaps not;' then shut down
the window, and left him to return upon the double
horse alone."
6
6
144
JOKES AND JESTS,
OF LITTLE VALUE,
A PERSON exclaimed to Montesquieu, "I will give you
my head if every word I have related is not true.""I
accept your offer," said the president; "presents of small
value strengthen the bonds of friendship, and should
never be refused.'
""
A SHOCKING SUGGESTION.
Two farmers conversing together on the favorable
appearance of the weather, one of them said, "If these
warm rains continue, everything will be out of the earth
in a few days." "Good heavens! what are you saying?"
exclaimed the other, "why I have two wives under-
ground!"
""
HOW MONEY IS LOST.
MONTAIGNE, the famous essayist, put down in his
account-book one day, "Item, lost by my idleness, fifty
pounds.
""
A SHREWD RUSTIC.
A PEASANT engaged in a law-suit went to see his law-
yer, who said to him, "My friend, you will lose your
suit, the law is against you." "Never mind," said the
rustic, "go on; the judges are not always right."
A SAFE BET.
COLY LUCAS, a doctor of Madras, who was misshapen,
having been laughed at one day in a large assembly, on
account of the deformity of his right leg, which he in
vain attempted to conceal under a long surtout, bet ten
guineas that there was a still more crooked leg present.
When the bet had been accepted, he showed his left one.
WIT AND HUMOR.
145
NOT GOING.
WAGGS went to the station of one of our railroads the
other evening, and, finding the best carriage full, said, in
a loud tone, "Why, this carriage isn't going!" Of course
these words caused a general stampede, and Waggs took
the best seat. The train soon moved off. In the midst
of the indignation, the wag was questioned,-" You said
this carriage wasn't going?"—" Well, it wasn't then,"
replied Waggs; "but it is now." Waggs scarcely
escaped a thrashing.
INEFFACEABLE.
A PHILOSOPHER said, "My children, look upon each
day as a sheet of white paper which has been placed in
your hands to be covered with characters which will
never be effaced; and take care to write nothing on this
sheet which you would object to have read a thousand
years hence."
COMFORTING HER.
A
A BULFEDA has recorded that an old woman having
asked Mahomet what she should do to arrive in Paradise,
the prophet replied, "My good old soul, Paradise is not
meant for old women." Upon this the old woman burst
into tears; but Mahomet said, "Do not despair, it is
only because they will all grow young before going
there." "God and his prophet be praised!" joyfully
exclaimed the old woman, as she went away.
AN HONEST CONTRACT.
DR. HICKRINGAL, who was one of King Charles the
Second's chaplains, whenever he preached before his
Majesty, was sure to tell him of his faults from the pul-
10
146
JOKES AND JESTS,
pit. One day his Majesty met the doctor in the Mall,
and said to him, "Doctor, what have I done to you that
you are always quarrelling with me?""I hope your
majesty is not angry with me," quoth the doctor, “for
telling the truth.”—“No, no," says the king, “but I
would have us for the future be friends."-" Well, well,"
quoth the doctor, "I will make it
up with
mend I'll mend.”
on these terms- -as you
"
A CAUTIOUS FATALIST.
your majesty
AN American paper publishes the following: "We
knew an old man who believed that what was to be
would be.' He lived in a region infested by very sav-
age Indians. He always took his gun with him when
going into the woods, but this time he found that some
of his family had taken it. As he would not go with-
out it, his friends tantalized him by saying that there
was no danger of the Indians, as he would not die till
his time came anyhow. "Yes, yes," said the old fellow,
but suppose I was to meet an Indian, and his time had
come, it wouldn't do not to have my gun.”
PITYING THE WOLVES.
HEARING it said that a Capuchin monk had been
devoured by wolves, "Poor brutes!" exclaimed Sophie
Arnould, "hunger must indeed be a terrible thing!"
TALES OF A COAT.
THE Duke de Fronsac, son of the Marshal Richelieu,
leaving the opera one evening in a very magnificent
coat, had the two skirts cut off. He went from the
opera to an evening assembly, and was soon made aware
WIT AND HUMOR.
147
by the laughter with which he was greeted of what had
occurred to him. On the following morning a very
respectable-looking man called at his house, and desired
to see him on urgent business. When he had been
admitted to the Duke's presence, he said, "Sir, I have
been sent by the lieutenant of the police, who has been
informed of what happened to you last night, to request
you will be good enough to send him your coat from
which the skirts were severed, in order that, when the
thieves are discovered, the skirts may be matched with
the coat." The duke, delighted at the vigilance of the
police, at once caused the coat to be handed over to the
stranger, whom he only subsequently discovered was
acting in concert with those who, having stolen his
skirts, wanted to complete the coat for their own pur
poses.
THE VERY BEST WAY.
A BARBER, who was an indefatigable gossip, having
gone for the first time to shave King Archelaus, finding
that the king did not speak to him, said, “Sire, I shave
in different ways; how do you wish me to shave you?"
"Without saying a word," replied the monarch.
AN AMERICAN COMPLIMENT.
DURING one of Charles Kean's visits to the United
States, he was entertained at dinner by one of the great
New York merchants. Opposite to him at the table
there sat a gentleman, who continued to observe him
with marked attention, and at last called on the host to
present him to Mr. Kean. The introduction was
duly made, and ratified by drinking wine together,
148
JOKES AND JESTS,
when the stranger, with much impressiveness of man-
ner, said, "I saw you in Richard last night." Kean
feeling, not unnaturally, that a compliment was approach-
ing, smiled blandly and bowed. "Yes, sir," continued
the other, in a slow, almost judicial tone, "I have seen
your father in Richard, and I saw the last Mr. Cooke."
Another pause, during which Charles Kean's triumph
was gradually mounting higher and higher. "Yes, sir,
Cooke, sir, was better than your father; and your father,
sir, a long way better than you."
LIBERTY AS WELL AS BEAUTY IN SIGHT.
M. DE MAUPERTIUS, when a prisoner in Austria, was
presented to the Empress, who said to him, "You know
the Queen of Sweden, sister of the King of Prussia?"
"Yes, madam." "I am told that she is the most beau-
tiful princess in the world?" Madame, I always
thought so until now!"
<<
UNUSUAL STUPIDITY.
LA FONTAINE preferred the fables of the ancients to
his own, which led Fontenelle to say, "La Fontaine is
so stupid as to think the ancients cleverer than himself."
A REFRESHING EXCURSION.
M. ROCCA married Madame de Stael, for whose loss,
it was said, he ever remained inconsolable. However
this may be, his father was a less tender or a more care-
less husband, for on the day he buried his wife, some
one, in a tone of commiseration, asked him how he
was, when he replied, "Pretty well; my little excursion
to-day has done me a great deal of good; there is noth-
ing so refreshing as the air of the country."
WIT AND HUMOR.
149
A WHISKY HERO.
ONE of the Federal regiments was fiercely attacked
by a whole brigade in one of the battles in Mississippi;
and, unable to withstand such odds, fell back about
thirty or forty yards, losing their flag, which remained
in the hands of the enemy. Suddenly, a tall Irishman
dashed from the ranks across the vacant ground, attacked
the squad of Confederates who had possession of the
captured flag, felled several with his musket, snatched
the flag from them, and returned safely to his regiment.
The soldier was immediately surrounded by his com-
rades, who greatly praised him for his gallantry, and
his captain appointed him to a sergeantcy on the spot.
The hero, however, cut them short by saying, "Say no
more about it. I just fetched my whisky flask which I
dropped among the rebels, and I thought I might as
well bring the flag back with it."
WEALTH IN THE FAMILY.
A BEGGAR, who was doubtless aware that it had been
written, "Is there not one God, the Father of us all?"
asking an alms of Maximilian I., addressed him as
"brother." The emperor, without taking offense at his
boldness, ordered that something should be given him.
The beggar, however, dissatisfied with the amount of
the alms, said that it was a very small sum to receive
from an emperor; whereupon Maximilian very civilly
replied, "Come, come! If all your brothers give you
as much, you will be richer than I !"
LEARNED TRADESMEN.
A PAINTER in the Waterloo Road had the following
150
JOKES AND JESTS,
announcement displayed on the front of his house:
"The Acme of Stencil!" A "learned Theban" in the
same line, in an adjoining street, in order to outdo the
"old original" stenciler, thus set forth his pretensions:
"Stenciling in all its branches performed in the very
height of acme!"
A BOOTLESS SEARCH.
A NOBLE Athenian meeting Diogenes in the common
cemetry, asked him what he was doing there. "I am
seeking for the bones of your father amongst those of
the people, but there is such a disgraceful confusion
here that I cannot find them."
CERTAINLY NOT.
A STUPID person one day seeing a man of learning
enjoying the pleasures of the table, said, "So, sir, phil-
osophers, I see, can indulge in the greatest delicacies."
Why not," replied the other, "do you think Provi-
dence intended all the good things for fools?"
66
RIGHTEOUS VENGEANCE.
SOME one having urged Tasso to avenge himself upon
a man who had done him many injuries, he said, “I
wish to take from him neither his property, nor his life,
nor his honor, but only his ill-will towards me.”
AT THE COST OF OTHERS.
It was said of a great calumniator, and a frequenter
of other persons' tables, that he never opened his mouth
but at another man's expense.
ANSWERING A KING.
HENRY IV. one day said to M. D'Aubigne, “Where
WIT AND HUMOR.
151
""
have you been?" "Yes, sire," replied the latter. "What
do
you mean by Yes? I asked where have you been?
"Yes, sire." "Are you mad?" "Yes, sire." How dare
you speak to me in that way?" "I have always answered
"yes, sire,' because I have noticed that it is the only
word with which kings are pleased, and that by always
answering them in the affirmative one runs the least risk
of offending them."
A BISHOP CORRECTED.
M. DE CHATEAUNEUF, at the age of nine years, was
presented to a bishop, who said to him, "Tell me, my
little friend, where God is, and I will give you an
orange."
“Tell me where he is not, my lord,” replied
the child, "and I will give you two."
A BREAD PRODUCER.
LOUIS XII., having been informed that one of the gentle-
men of his household ill-treated a peasant, ordered that
he should no longer be served with bread, but only with
meat and wine. When the gentleman complained to
his majesty of this treatment, the latter said to him, "Is
not the food you are served with sufficient?" "No, sire,
for bread is the staff of life." "Why, then, are you so
unreasonable as to ill-treat those by whose labor it is
provided?"
A SUFFICIENT BAIL.
A GENTLEMAN once appeared in the Court of King's
Bench to give bail in the sum of £3,000. Serjeant
Davy, wanting to display his wit, said to him, sternly,
"And pray, sir, how do you make out that you are
worth £3,000?" The gentleman stated the particulars
152
JOKES AND JESTS,
of his property up to 2,9407.
"That's all very good,"
said the serjeant, "but you want £60 more to be worth
£3,000." "For that sum," replied the gentleman, in
nowise disconcerted, "I have a note of hand of one Mr.
Serjeant Davy, and I hope he will have the honesty soon
to settle it." The serjeant looked abashed, and Lord
Mansfield observed, in his usual urbane tone, "Well,
Brother Davy, I think we may accept the bail."
DIVINE COMPLIMENTS.
In the great dispute between South and Sherlock, the
latter, who was a. great courtier, said, "His adversary
reasoned well, but he barked like a cur." To which the
other replied, "That fawning was the property of a cur
as well as barking."
A DIFFICULT TASK.
MADAME DE MONTESPAN and Madame de Maintenon
were never easy when apart, and always quarreling
when together. Sometimes the Minister, Louvois, was
deputed to bring about a reconciliation between them,
and sometimes the attempt was made by the king him-
self, who was in the habit of saying, "It is easier for
me to keep the nations of Europe at peace than two
women."
WHOSE CORN?
JOHN was thought to be very stupid. He was sent
to a mill one day, and the miller said, "John, some
people tell me you are a fool! Now, tell me what you
do know, and what you don't know." "Well," replied
John, "I know millers' hogs are fat!" "Yes, that's
well, John! Now, what don't you know?" "I don't
know whose corn fats 'em!"
WIT AND HUMOR.
153
VOLUNTARY BLINDNESS.
THE historian of the Sultan Saladin has illustrated
the moderation of that prince by one of those little traits
which Plutarch was so fond of setting forth. Two
Mamelukes disputing one day at a few paces from him,
one of them threw his slipper at the other. The one at
whom it was thrown, avoiding the missile, it struck the
Sultan, who, pretending not to have noticed the fact,
turned away, as though to speak to one of his generals,
so as not to have to punish the thrower.
A ROYAL SPEECH BY CANDLELIGHT.
THE opening-day of the session of Parliament in 1836
(February 4), was unusually gloomy, which, added to
an imperfection in the sight of King William IV., and
the darkness of the House, rendered it impossible for
his Majesty to read the Royal Speech with facility.
Most patiently and good-naturedly did he struggle with
the task, often hesitating, sometimes mistaking, and at
others correcting himself. On one occasion he stuck
altogether, and after two or three ineffectual efforts to
make out the word, he was obliged to give it up; when,
turning to Lord Melbourne, who stood on his right
hand, and looking him most significantly in the face, he
said in a tone sufficiently loud to be audible in all parts
of the House, "Eh! what is it?" Lord Melbourne hav-
ing whispered the obstructing word, the king proceeded
to toil through the speech; but by the time he got to
about the middle, the librarian brought him two wax-
lights, on which he suddenly paused; then raising his
head, and looking at the Lords and Commons, he
154
JOKES AND JESTS,
66
addressed them, on the spur of the moment, in a per-
fectly distinct voice, and without the least embarrass-
ment, or the mistake of a single word, in these terms:
My Lords and Gentlemen: I have hitherto not
been able, from want of light, to read this speech in the
way its importance deserves; but as lights are now
brought me, I will read it again from the commence-
ment, and in a way which, I trust, will command your
attention."
The king then again, though evidently fatigued by
the difficulty of reading in the first instance, began at
the beginning, and read through the speech in a manner
which would have done credit to any professor of elocu-
tion.
AN ATTRACTIVE SLIPPER.
A SLIPPER lying on a shoemaker's counter, made
Thevenard, the celebrated opera singer, so desperately in
love, at sixty years of age, with a girl whom he had
never seen, that he sought her out and made her his
wife.
THE GREATEST WANT.
SOME one having asked a poor devil what were the
three things he should best like to have, he replied, “In
the first place, I should like to have as much beer as I
could drink." “Well, and in the second place?" "I
should like to have as much cheese as I could eat?"
"Good! and what would be your third wish?” “Well,
considering all things, I should like a little more beer."
THE RULING PASSION,
WHEN M. Brillat-Savarin, judge of the Court
WIT AND HUMOR.
155
of Cassation, and an amateur gastronomer, was in
America, once, on his return from a shooting excursion,
in which he shot a wild turkey, he fell into conversation
with Jefferson, who began relating some interesting
anecdotes about Washington and the war. Observing
the air distrait of M. Brillat-Savarin, Jefferson stopped.
and was about to go away. "My dear sir," said the
gastronomer, "I beg a thousand pardons, but I was
thinking how I should dress my wild turkey.'
MEMBERS GRATIS.
وو
"WINSOR'S patent gas" first illumined (Jan. 28, 1807)
the Carlton House side of Pall Mall; the second, Bishops-
gate street. The writer attended a lecture given by the
inventor: the charge for admission was three shillings,
but, as the inventor was about to apply to Parliament,
members of both Houses were admitted gratis. The
writer and a fellow-jester assumed the parts of senators
at a short notice. "Members of Parliament!" was their
important ejaculation at the door of entrance. "What
places, gentlemen?" "Old Sarum and Bridgewater."
“Walk in, gentlemen." Luckily, the real Simon Pures
did not attend.
SHUTTING HIS MOUTH.
THE Abbe de Bois-Robert, being one day on a visit to
Cardinal Richelieu, said many severe things against a
certain magistrate of high rank. One of the Cardinal's
attendants overhearing him, said, "Sir, take care what
you say, for the person of whom you speak is one of my
relations, to whom I am much attached, and I will cer-
tainly inform him of what you have said." My
friend," replied the Abbe, "tell the gentleman what you
66
156
JOKES AND JESTS.
please; but let me warn you that I shall tell him you
have pretended to be one of his relations, and it is quite
certain that he will be more angry with you than with
me."
A CHOICE OF AMUSEMENTS.
THERE used to be a waggish ostler at one of the chief
inns at Hertford, who delighted to make merry at the
expense of any guests who gave themselves airs. The
manner of the ostler was extremely deferential, and
only those who knew him well were aware of the humor
which almost always lurked beneath his civil replies to
the questions put to him. One day a commercial
traveler, a complete prig, who wanted to play the fine
gentleman, entered the inn, and having dispatched his
dinner, rung the bell of the commercial room for "boots,"
who presently made his appearance, when the following
colloquy took place:-Commercial: "Dull town, this.
Any amusements, Boots?" Boots: "Yes, sir; please,
sir. Musical Conversazione over the way at the Shire
Hall, sir. Half-a-crown admission, sir. Very nice, sir.”
Commercial: "Ah, nice music, I dare say. I don't
care for such things. Is there nothing else, Boots?"
Boots: "Yes, sir; please sir. Popular Entertainment
at Corn Exchange, admission one penny; gentlemen pay
six-pence to front seats, sir, if they please, sir." Com-
mercial: "Intensely vulgar! Are there no other amuse-
ments in this confoundedly dull town?" Boots: "Yes,
sir; please, sir. Railway station at each end of the
town-walk down and see the trains come in."
MEETING AGAIN.
LORD KAMES used to relate a story of a man who
claimed the honor of his acquaintance on rather
WIT AND HUMOR.
157
singular grounds. His lordship, when one of the jus-
ticiary judges, returning from the north circuit to Perth,
happened one day to sleep at Dunkeld.
The next
morning walking towards the ferry, but apprehending he
had missed his way, he asked a man whom he met to con-
duct him. The other answered with much cordiality,
“That I will do with all my heart, my lord; does not
your lordship remember me? My name is John
I have had the honor to be before your lordship for
stealing sheep!" "Oh, John, I remember you well;
and how is your wife? she had the honor to be before
me, too, for receiving them, knowing them to be stolen.”
"At your lordship's service. We were very lucky; we
got off for want of evidence; and I am still going on in
the butcher trade." "Then," replied his lordship, "we
may have the honor of meeting again."
OVER THE WALL.
THE Abbe de Beauvais, who afterwards became the
well-known bishop, having one day thundered before
Louis XV. and his court against the vicious old men
who preserve, when chilled with age, the evil fires of
lust, the monarch, addressing the Duke of Richelieu
after the sermon, "Well, Richelieu, the preacher seems
to me to have thrown plenty of stones into your garden!"
"Yes, sire," replied the old sinner; "so many, indeed,
that some of them fell into the park of Versailles."
A DREARY APPROACH.
THROUGH an avenue of trees, at the back of Trinity
College, a church may be seen at a considerable distance,
the approach to which affords no very pleasing scenery.
158
JOKES AND JESTS,
Porson, walking that way with a friend, and observing
the church, remarked, "That it put him in mind of a
fellowship, which was a long, dreary walk, with a church
at the end of it."
MUTUAL FORGIVENESS.
A WIFE, lying on her death-bed, called her husband to
her, and after having touched his heart by a description
of her sufferings, conjured him to pardon her at that
last moment for a fault of which she had been guilty
toward him. The husband having given the required
promise, she confessed that she had been unfaithful to
him. "I pardon you," said the husband, "and I hope
you will also pardon me for a certain ill I have done
you." The wife having promised that she would do so
with all her heart, he said, "I knew that which you
have just confessed to me; and you are now dying of
poison which I administered to you when I discovered it."
A SUBTLE DISTINCTION.
BOILEAU said, that "the difference between a paralytic
and a dead man is, that a paralytic is a dead man who
suffers, whilst a dead man is a paralytic who does not
suffer."
A REMOTE CHANCE.
Ir was with as much delicacy as satire that Porson
returned, with the manuscript of a friend, the answer,
"That it would be read when Homer and Virgil were
forgotten, but not till then."
SCARCITY.
GEORGE I., King of England, having found that, in
the course of his journeys through Holland, the inn-
WIT AND HUMOR.
159
keepers charged him extravagant prices, resolved never
to alight at any hotel in that country.
hotel in that country. One day, how-
ever, his carriage stopped at an inn door in Alkemaer to
change horses, he ordered three fresh eggs, and as soon
as he had eaten them, asked what he had to pay. " Two
hundred florins," replied the landlord. "What!" ex-
claimed his majesty, full of astonishment, "Two hundred
florins? Eggs must be very rare at Alkemaer!" "Oh,
no," replied the host, "eggs are not rare here, but kings
are."
A SENSE OF UNWORTHINESS.
A GARDENER'S boy having gone to sleep under the shade
of some fruit trees; "Wretched fellow," cried his master,
as he awoke him; "are you not ashamed to sleep instead
of working? Go along with you, you vagabond, you are
not worthy that the sun should shine on you."
is why I went into the shade," replied the boy.
A COMPARISON.
"That
DR. JOHNSON being asked his opinion of the title of
very small volume remarkable for its pomposity, replied,
"That it was similar to placing an eight-and-forty
pounder at the door of a pigsty."
HIS OWN EULOGIST.
A BISHOP of Noyon was a good and virtuous prelate,
but so vain, that on his death a rough draught of his
own funeral oration was found in his hand.
A GHOSTLY AFFAIR.
A YOUNG dramatic author offered some time since a
tragedy in five acts to the manager of a theater. "My
tragedy,” he modestly said. "is a wonderful production,
160
JOKES AND JESTS,
and I can pledge my word that it will have the most
extraordinary success; for I have taken pains to suit it
to the English taste, and have made all the characters
die in the third act." "But who then are the actors in
the last two acts?"
killed in the third.'
""
"The ghosts of those whom I have
EQUALITY IN DRESS.
FORTY years ago Sydney Smith wrote in the Edin-
burgh Review something which may be read with profit
in these days. "The true progress of refinement, we
conceive (said the witty Canon), is to discard all the
mountebank drapery of barbarous ages. One row of
gold and fur falls off after another from the robe of
power, and is picked up and worn by the parish beadle
and the exhibitor of wild beasts. Meantime, the
afflicted wiseacre mourns over equality of garment;
and wotteth not of two men, whose doublets have cost
alike, how one shall command and the other obey."
Sydney Smith had no faith in the tailors, as we may
infer from the following remarks on judicial masque.
rading: "The Americans, we believe, are the first per-
sons who have discarded the tailor in the administra-
tion of justice, and his auxiliary the barber-two per-
sons of endless importance in the codes and pandects of
Europe. A judge administers justice without a calorific
wig and parti-colored gown, in a coat and pantaloons; he
is obeyed, however; and life and property are not badly
protected in the United States.”
THE JUDGMENT OF SOLOMON.
Two scoundrels having mutually accused each other
in the presence of Philip, King of Macedon, the father
WIT AND HUMOR..
161
of Alexander the Great, that prince, after patiently list-
ening to the statement of each, ordered one of them to
quit his states, and the other to follow him.
FALSE QUANTITIES.
SYDNEY SMITH Says: "A young man, who, on a public
occasion, makes a false quantity at the outset of life, can
seldom or never get over it."
A QUALIFICATION FOR MATRIMONY.
M. DE LA CONDAMINE married in his old age one of his
nieces. As such a marriage could not be performed
without a dispensation from Rome, M. de la Condamine
solicited one in a letter to Pope Benedict XIV. As his
Holiness knew that the petitioner was deaf, he replied,
"I grant you the dispensation, and all the more readily,
as your deafness will insure peace in your household."
LEARNING RAPIDLY.
M. PETION, Who was sent over into England to acquire
a knowledge of our criminal law, is said to have declared
himself thoroughly informed upon the subject, after
remaining precisely two and thirty minutes in the Old
Bailey.
TWO MEASURES.
A MAN, having been measured for a brown coat, called
back the tailor as he was going away, and told him he had
forgotten to say that he also wanted to be measured for
a black coat.
A GOOD OFFER.
THE song-writer Blot, having at a supper of literary
men made a couplet more violent than ingenious against
11
162
JOKES AND JESTS,
""
Cardinal Mazarin, received a summons from the latter
on the following day to appear before him. "With whom
did you sup, yesterday?" asked the Cardinal. "With
some friends of mine.' "Yes, and with some friends of
mine. You have taken up a bad line of business, Mon-
sieur Blot, and make a bad use of your talents. I shall
give you a pension of two thousand francs, on condition
that you renounce satire."
PARTICULARLY ENGAGED.
THE gloomy Crebillon, while smoking his pipe alone,
sometimes devised plots for romances which he never
wrote. One day when he was deep in meditation, and
some one entered the room, he exclaimed, "Do not dis-
turb me; I am at a most interesting crisis. I am hang-
ing a minister of state, who is a rascal, and dismissing
another who is an imbecile."
THE PRICE OF PUBLICITY.
A PERSON asked the famous Duke of Marlborough to
use his influence to procure him a certain appointment,
which he greatly desired. "My lord," he said, "I have
a thousand guineas at your disposal if I obtain it, and I
promise you that I will say nothing about the matter."
"Give me two thousand," replied Marlborough, "and
you may tell it to all the world."
A WISE CHOICE.
A SPARTAN being blamed for having married a dwarf,
replied, that of evils he had chosen the least.
BREVITY.
SYDNEY SMITH says, "Brevity is in writing what
WIT AND HUMOR.
163
charity is to all other virtues. Righteousness is worth
nothing without the one, nor authorship without the
other."
A HARD MASTER.
ONE of the friends of Domenichino, the artist, trying
to persuade him to paint more expeditiously, and
not to retouch his works so often, he said, "You do not
know then, that I have a master extremely difficult to
please?"
"And who is that?" "Myself."
EARLY ADVANTAGES.
A SOLDIER who had risen from the ranks to the post
of Commander-in-chief, was reviewing the troops of a
garrison one day, when he perceived that the uniform of
a soldier was in a very dirty state. Going up to him,
he said roughly, "How dare you be so dirty? Did
ever see me so when I was a private?" "No," replied
the culprit, trembling, "but then your mother was a
washerwoman."
NOT ON THE PROPER FOOTING.
you
VOLTAIRE, while lodging in Maiden Lane, visited the
gouty and nearly blind dramatist, Congreve, then
infirm and on the verge of death. "Mr. Congreve," he
says, "had one defect, which was his entertaining too
mean an idea of his profession-that of a writer-
though it was to this he owed his fame and fortune. He
spoke of his works as trifles that were beneath him, and
hinted to me, in our first conversation, that I should
visit him on no other footing than that of a gentleman
who led a life of plainness and simplicity. I answered,
that, had he been so unfortunate as to be a mere gentle-
164
JOKES AND JESTS,
man, I should never have come to see him, and I was
very much disgusted at so unseasonable a piece of
vanity."
WISDOM IN BOTH OF THEM.
A RICH tradesman, accompanied by his son, went to a
bookseller's shop to purchase a map of France. The son,
wishing to test the accuracy of the map, endeavored to
find on it the city of Moscow, and expressed to his
father his astonishment at not being able to do so.
"What nonsense," replied the parent, "to look for the
city of Moscow on the map. Do you not know that
it was destroyed by fire?"
A MAN WHO WOULD SUCCEED.
MARTAINVILLE said of Rebec, the adventurous theat-
rical director, "If you were to make him the porter of a
house he would soon become the proprietor."
LITERARY CHEMISTRY.
A WRITER Who is unable to compose any work of
merit himself, is often an excellent critic of the works
of others, even as flat and insipid wines frequently
make excellent vinegar.
ONE LIFE, ONE AIM.
A WIFE said to her husband, who was scolding her,
"However cross you may be with me, there is not a
couple who live in greater unanimity than you and I,
for we always desire the same thing. You want to be
master, and so do 1.”
THE WAY TO NEWGATE.
A RUSTIC, on his first visit to London, asked the way to
!
WIT AND HUMOR.
165
"Cross
Newgate of a man who happened to be a wag.
the road," said the latter, "go into the jeweler's oppo-
site, take up a couple of silver goblets, run off with
them as quickly as you can, and in five minutes you
will find yourself in Newgate.
MAKING A TARGET OF HIMSELF.
་་
Ar Ratghur, Sir Hugh Rose persisted in standing in
a spot where he was exposed to a perpetual fire from a
man who had been seen, repeatedly and deliberately, to
take aim at him from the fort. Sir Hugh was leaning
وو
his head on his arms, calmly looking over the wall. He
was requested to move to a more protected point, where he
could see just as well: "No, thanks, I am very well here,'
and while he spoke, "ping, ping," rung the shrill bullets
close to his head. "What a bad shot that fellow is?"
quietly remarked the general, "he has aimed at me
twenty times without once hitting."
A MUTUAL MISUNDERSTANDING.
LORD SEAFORTH, who was born deaf and dumb, was to
dine one day with Lord Melville. Just before the com-
pany's arrival Lady Melville sent into the drawing-room
a lady of her acquaintance who could talk with her fin-
gers to dumb people, that she might receive Lord Sea-
forth. Presently Lord Guildford entered the room, and
the lady, taking him for Lord Seaforth, began to ply her
fingers very nimbly. Lord Guildford did the same, and
they had been carrying on a conversation in this manner
for about ten minutes when Lady Melville joined them.
Her female friend immediately said, "Well, I have been
talking away to this dumb man." "Dumb!" cried
Lord Guildford, "bless me, I thought you were dumb!"
166
JOKES AND JESTS,
67
ALDERMANIC WISDOM.
AN alderman of Beaune proposed one day to the town
council that they should present a petition to the author-
ities, praying that all the white-thorns in the district
might be pulled up, in order to preserve the vines from
the cold, which is generally severe when the white-thorn
blows.
DESPISED FOR HIS SKILL.
RENNIE, in the good old times, was traveling in Scot-
land in a stage-coach. The axle-tree broke near a
blacksmith's and the son of Vulcan being out, Rennie
himself lit the fire and welded the axle-tree in a masterly
style. His fellow-passengers, who had been very com-
municative and friendly during the earlier part of the
journey, now became very reserved, and the "respect-
ables" especially held themselves aloof from the man
who had so clearly revealed his calling by the manner in
which he had mended the broken axle. Arrived at their
journey's end for the day, the travelers separated, Mr.
Rennie proceeding onward to Eglinton Castle. Next
morning when sitting at breakfast with his noble host,
a servant entered to say that a person outside wanted to
speak with the earl. "Show him in."
The person
entered, and he proved to be one of Mr. Rennie's fellow-
travelers, whose surprise and confusion at finding the
"blacksmith "`of the preceding day breakfasting with
my lord
may be easily imagined. The earl was much
amused when Mr. Rennie afterwards described to him
the incident of the broken axle.
CLASSICAL.
DEAN SWIFT excelled in a species of composition con-
sisting of Latin words, which, allowing for false spelling,
WIT AND HUMOR.
167
and the running the words into each other, contain good
sense in English as well as Latin. For example:-
Apud in is almi de si re,
Mimis tres I ne ver re qui re,
Alo veri findit a gestis,
His miseri ne ver at restis.
A pudding is all my desire,
My mistress I never require,
A lover I find it a jest is,
His misery never at rest is.
Mollis abuti
Has an acuti,
No lasso finis,
Omni de armistress.
Cantu disco ver,
Meas alo ver?
Moll is a beauty,
Has an acute eye,
No lass so fine is,
O my dear mistress,
Can't you discover,
Me as a lover?
A WISE PREFERENCE.
!
SOME one having said to the Duke de Longueville,
one day, that the gentlemen who resided in the neigh-
borhood of his estate were in the habit of continually
coursing over it, and that he ought not to suffer it, he
replied, "I would rather have friends than hares."
A ROYAL EXILE CHEATING THE SPIES.
MR. RAIKES, in his Journal, relates: "After the
168
JOKES AND JESTS,
Restoration in 1814, among the titled followers of
Napoleon who were the most anxious to obtain employ-
ment at the court of Louis XVIII., none showed more
servility and assiduity to accomplish his purpose than
Fouche, duc d'Otranto. He at last had a private inter-
view with the King, when he expressed his desire to
dedicate his life to his service. Louis replied, 'You
have occupied under Bonaparte a situation of great trust,
which must have given you opportunities of knowing
everything that passed, and of gaining an insight into
the characters of men in public life which could not
easily occur to others. Were I to decide on attaching
you to my person, I should previously expect that you
wonld frankly inform me what were the measures and
who were the men that you employed in those days to
obtain your information. I do not allude to my stay at
Verona or at Mittau. I was then surrounded by numer-
ous adherents; but, at Hartwell, for instance—were you
then well acquainted with what passed under my roof?
'Yes, sir; every day, the motions of your Majesty were
made known to me.' Eh! what! surrounded as I was
by trusted friends, who could have betrayed me? Who
thus abused my confidence? I insist on your naming
him immediately.' 'Sire, you urge me to say what
must wound your Majesty's heart.' 'Speak, sir, kings
are but too subject to be deceived.' 'If you command
it, sire, I must own that I was in correspondence with
the Duke d'Aumont.' What! De Pienne, who pos-
sessed my entire confidence? I must acknowledge,'
added the King, with a malicious smile, he was very
poor, he had many expenses, and living is very dear in
WIT AND HUMOR.
169
England. Well, then, M. Fouche, it was I who dictated
to him those letters which you received every week, and
I gave up to him 12,000f. out of the 48,000f. which you
so regularly remitted to obtain an exact account of all
that was passing in my family." These words termi-
nated the audience, and the duke retired in confusion.
A TERRIBLE RELATION.
COLERIDGE tells us: "The discipline at Christ's Hos-
pital in my time was ultra-Spartan; all domestic ties
were to be put aside. 'Boy' I remember Boyer saying
to ine once when I was crying, the first day of my return
after the holidays, 'Boy,' the school is your father! the
school is your mother! Boy! the school is your brother!
the school is your sister! the school is your first cousin,
and your second cousin, and all the rest of your relations!
Let's have no more crying."
WHIPPING HIM OFF.
Ar the battle of Carpy one of the enemy's horsemen
rushed at Marshal (then Count) de Tesse, with his
horse's bridle between his teeth, and discharged both
his pistols at him. One of the balls lodged in the
Count's peruke; but, disdaining to use either his sword
or pistols against his now helpless enemy, he contented
himself with putting him to flight with his riding-whip.
UP TO IT.
Ar the time of the renewal of the war, after the
peace of Amiens, a gentleman, who was fishing in a
sequestered spot not far from London, was accosted by
an old woman of the neighborhood, who entered into
conversation with him on various matters. After a
170
JOKES AND JESTS,
1
little he asked her if she were not alarmed about Bona-
parte's landing on the island. "Oh, dear no!" she
answered, "I am up to all that. He was expected here
when I was a young woman, and he nearly came. At
that time they called him the Pretender, and now they
call him Bonaparte."
VENOMOUS.
WITH looks of horror some one said
The Critic Zoilus is dead!-
Poisoned! by whom, how, where and when?
By accident: he sucked his pen.
EARNING THEIR WAGES.
THE minister Louvois said to Louis XIV., in the
presence of the colonel of the regiment of Swiss Guards,
that with the gold and silver which had been paid by the
kings of France to the Swiss, a road might be paved
from Paris to Basle. "That may be true," replied the
colonel, but, on the other hand, the blood which the
Swiss have spilt in the service of your Majesty and
your predecessors, would be sufficient to fill a canal
from Basle to Paris."
66
A CHANGE NECESSARY.
A FRIEND of M. de Talleyrand asked him one day, in
confidence, how it was that Madame G. -, so stupid as
she was, could have held him in her chains. "Why, the
truth is," he replied, "that Madame de Stael has so worn
me out with her cleverness, that I feel as though I could
never have enough of dullness:"
WIT AND HUMOR.
171
PARTNERSHIP IN SWEARING.
AN officer and an abbe, going shares in their play at
a gaming house, were completely ruined. The abbe
said nothing, while the officer swore like a demon.
Some one said to the officer, "See, Monsieur, the abbe
has lost as much as you, and yet he says nothing."
"But," interposed the abbe, "we go halves."
TIME TO GROW.
SOME one having observed to a poor man of letters
that his new coat was too short, he replied, "That is
true, but it will have time to grow before I shall be able
to get another."
AN AMIABLE FAILURE.
WHEN M. de Tressan was a candidate for a vacant
chair in the French Academy, he remembered that he
had once made an epigram against the Duke de Niver-
nois, one of the forty, and naturally feared that the duke
would endeavor to exclude him. The duke, however,
voted for him, and in the warmth of his gratitude M.
de Tressan hastened to thank him. He was very gra-
ciously received, and as the duke was showing him out,
he said, with that delicate and amiable wit for which
he was so distinguished, "You see, sir, that as we grow
old our memory fails us."
EVEN WITH HIM.
A YOUNG man who had married a bad-tempered
woman was one day provoked to correct her. The lady
complained to her father, who, knowing her character,
followed the example of her husband, and, boxing her
ears, said, "There, now; go and tell the fellow that I
172
JOKES AND JESTS,
am even with him. He has beaten my daughter, and I
have boxed his wife's ears."
MAKING AN IMPRESSION IN HARD WAX.
DUCROW was once teaching a boy to go through a diffi.
cult act of horsemanship, in the character of a page; and
the boy being timid, his master applied the whip to him
unmercifully. Joseph Grimaldi was standing by, and
looked very serious, considering his vocation.
"You
see," said Ducrow to Joey, "that it is necessary to
make an impression on these young fellows."
“Very
likely," answered Grimaldi, "but it can hardly be neces-
sary to make the whacks so hard. "
SOMETHING STILL IN DANGER.
A TRAVELER, shivering with cold, thrust his feet so
close to an inn fire as to burn his boots. "You will
burn your spurs
if you
do not take care," said the wait-
ing-maid to him. "My boots, you mean." "No; you
have burned them already."
COURTLY DEVOTION.
FENELON was almoner to Louis XIV. One Sunday
the King found only himself and the priest at the service
in the chapel. On inquiring of his almoner the reason,
as the chapel was usually full, Fenelon said: "It was
given out, sire, that your Majesty did not attend
chapel to-day, that you might know who came to worship
God, and who to flatter the King."
DISCOVERING HER.
A YOUNG man who had promised to spend the evening
with a lady, after dining with some friends, was persuaded
WIT AND HUMOR.
173
by the latter to sit down to a game at cards, and sent
his servant to make his excuses to the lady, giving him
strict injunctions, upon his return, to deliver the answer
as though it came from a man. Upon the servant
coming back, his master asked him whether the gentle-
man was at home. "Yes," replied John. "And what
did he say?" "That he was quite well, and would pass
the evening at the theater." "And what was he doing?"
"Putting on his shawl," was the innocent reply.
BEHIND TIME.
LA FONTAINE received an invitation to be present at
the burial of a person of his acquaintance. Some time
afterwards he went to dine with the same person, when
the porter informed him that his master had been dead
eight days. "Dear me!" said La Fontaine, " I had no
idea that it had been so long."
POLITENESS ON THE JUDGMENT SEAT.
JUSTICE GRAHAM was the most polite judge that ever
adorned the bench, and many amusing anecdotes are
related of his courteous expressions. On one occasion it
was said he had hastily condemned a man, who had been
capitally convicted, to transportation, when the clerk of
the court, in a whisper, set him right. "Oh," he exclaimed,
"criminal! I beg your pardon, come back;" and putting
on the black cap, courteously apologized for his mistake,
and consigned him to the gallows, to be hanged by the
neck until he was dead. To one guilty of burglary, or
a similar offense, he would say, "My honest friend you
are found guilty of felony, for which it is my painful
duty," etc. Among other peculiarities he had a custom
174
JOKES AND JESTS,
of repeating the answers made to him, as illustrated in
the following dialogue: "My good friend, you are
charged with murder; what have you to observe on the
subject? Eh, how did it happen?" "Why, my lord,
Jem aggravated me, and swore as how he'd knock the
breath out of my body." "Good, he'd knock the breath
out of your body; and what did you reply?" "Nothing;
I floored him." "Good; and then ""Why, then,
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my lord, they took him up and found that his head was
cut open.' "His head was cut open; good-and what
followed?" "After that, my lord, they gathered him
up to take him to the hospital, but he died on the road."
“He died on the road; very good." This will match the
best of Lord Cockburn's stories of Scottish Justices of
the Court of Sessions.
ACCOMMODATING.
"WHILE at Windsor (U. S.)," says Captain Marryat,
“I took cold and was laid up with a fever. I had been
in bed three days, when my landlady came into the
room. "Well, captain, how do you find yourself by
this time?' 'Oh, I am a little better, thank you,'
replied I. Well, I am
'Well, I am glad of it, because I want to
whitewash your room; for if the colorman stops to do
it till to-morrow, he'll be charging us another quarter of
a dollar.' 'But I am not able to leave my room.'
'Well, then, I'll speak to him; I dare say he won't
mind your being in bed while he whitewashes.”
KNOWLEDGE REQUIRED.
A COMPANY of wandering actors, playing the Misan-
thrope in a small country town in Normandy, the actor
who filled the part of Alcestis, which he had only been
WIT AND HUMOR.
175
able to get through with the aid of the prompter,
advanced to the front of the stage at the conclusion of
the piece and said, "Gentlemen, to-morrow we shall
have the honor to play The Philosopher without know-
ing it!" "No, no!" cried the mayor, in a rage, "you
have just played The Misanthrope without knowing it,
and if you play The Philosopher to-morrow, you will
take care, if you please, that you do know it!
WELCOME TO STAY.
ONE very cold night an M. D. in the Eastern States
of America was aroused from his slumbers by a very
loud knocking at his door. After some hesitation he
went to the door, and asked, "Who's there?" "A
friend,” was the answer. "What do you want?" "Want
to stay here all night." "Stay there, then," was the
benevolent reply.
A COURTLY EXCEPTION.
An ecclesiastic, preaching at court, commenced his
discourse by saying, "We must all die, my brethren; "
but the king, entering at the moment, he corrected
himself and said, "almost all of us must die, my
brethren.'
""
A SOFT ANSWER.
MADAME DE MAILLY, after she had been dismissed
the court became sincerely penitent. Arriving at
church one day rather late, and being compelled to dis-
turb several persons in order to reach the place where
she usually sat, a bad-tempered man cried out roughly,
"What a disturbance to make for a fallen woman!”
"Since you know her," said the countess, in the gen-
176
JOKES AND JESTS,
!
tlest and most humble tone, "will you not pray to God
in her behalf?"
UNTIMELY ADVICE.
AN American from Indiana was traveling down the
Ohio in a steamer, with a mare and a two-year old colt,
when, by a sudden careen of the boat, all three were
tilted into the river. The man, as he rose, puffing and
blowing, above water, caught hold of the tail of the colt,
thinking that the natural instinct of the animal would
take him to shore. The old mare took a direct line for
the shore, but the frightened colt swam down the cur-
rent with the owner. "Let go the colt and hang on to
the old mare," shouted some of his friends. "Pooh!
pooh!” he exclaimed, spouting the water from his mouth,
and shaking his head like a Newfoundland dog; "it's
mighty fine of you to say leave go the colt; but to a man
who can't swim, this ain't exactly the time for changing
horses!"
NOT THE WAY TO PACIFY HIM.
AN abbe appearing but moderately pleased with some
verses which Santeul had shown to him, the Latinist
addressed him in the bitterest terms. On the following
day the abbe, in order to soften the poet's arrogance, șent
him ten louis. "If that is the way he takes matters,
said Santeul to the servant who brought them, “you
may tell your master that I am sorry I only abused him,
and that the next time I will beat him.”
A REASON FOR HIS SORROW.
""
WHEN President Lincoln heard of the rebel raid at
Fairfax, in which a brigadier-general and a number of
WIT AND HUMOR.
177
valuable horses were captured, he gravely observed,
"Well, I am sorry for the horses." "Sorry for the
horses, Mr. President!" exclaimed the Secretary of War,
raising his spectacles, and throwing himself back in his
chair in astonishment. "Yes," replied Mr. Lincoln;
"I can make a brigadier-general in five minutes, but it
is not easy to replace a hundred and ten horses."
A GOOD ADVISER.
THE Marchioness de Montauban soliciting some
appointment of Cardinal Dubois for one of her relations,
the latter refused her, and when she still persisted, told
her to go and hang herself. The indignant marchioness
at once went to complain to the king, but only obtained
from him the reply, "Dubois is rather rough, but he is
an excellent adviser."
HOW HE POISONED HIMSELF.
Ir having been mentioned that the Marquis de Crequi,
who was famous for his spitefulness, had poisoned him-
self, Madame de Marchais observed, "It is very probable
that he bit his own tongue."
AMPHIBIOUS.
SANDWICH, in America, is a place much visited by
amateur anglers, who used to be attended by one John
Brown, a fisherman, much given to throwing the hatchet.
One day he was out with Daniel Webster, standing in
the brook waiting for a bite, and Mr. Webster told John
how he had on a former occasion caught an extremely
large trout. "Your honor," said John (whose achieve-
ments always surpassed those of others) "that was very
well for a gentleman; but once, when I was standing
12
178
JOKES AND JESTS.
down by yonder bush, 1 took a fish weighing"—(we
forget the weight, but it was a much larger fish than
the statesman had captured). "Ah! John, John,"
exclaimed Mr. Webster, "you are an amphibious
animal-you lie in the water, and you lie out of it!"
A QUALIFICATION FOR OFFICE.
him
AN officer requested Louis XIV. to bestow upon
a certain appointment. "You are too old," said the
monarch. "Sire," replied the officer, "I am but four
years older than your majesty, and am still good for
twenty years' service." The king granted his request.
COUNTLESS FOLLIES.
WHEN Sophie Arnould visited Voltaire, he said to her,
“Ah, Mademoiselle, I am eighty-four years old, and I
have done eighty-four foolish things!" "What a trifle!"
she replied; "Why, I, who am only forty years old,
have done more than a million!"
PREVENTED FROM DYEING.
LADY H——— did not like to acknowledge that she
was no longer young. She was forty-two, her complex-
ion no longer fresh as at twenty-five, and her hair began
to show gray tints. She did not much like these signs
of precocious old age. She determined to have her hair
dyed, and sent for Mr. Donegan, a well-known hair-
dyer, whom she bade to come at eleven at night, when
his visit was least likely to be observed. The evening
came, and the dyer of hair was anxiously expected. Her
toilette completed, her ladyship began to watch anxiously
the dial of her dressing-room clock. But all in vain.
WIT AND HUMOR.
179
Eleven struck, half-past eleven camo, but no Mr.
Donegan.
"Run down, Charlton," said Lady H
to her
maid, hearing the door bell ring, "run down and ask
Matthew if the hair-dresser has not yet been?”
Charlton went, and found Matthew in a towering
passion.
"Is that the hair-dresser?"
"No, it's not," and he turned angrily away.
"Who was it at the door?”
"Don't bother. The dirty blackguard!" and the foot-
man turned away muttering.
Charlton returned to her mistress, who being anything
but satisfied with the answer, again sent her down to
know who it was that had been.
"Who was it rang?"
“A blackguard.”
"Who?"
"An impudent blackguard. By dad, if I had him in
Ireland, I'd tache him better."
"Who was it?"
"I don't know, the thief of the world."
"What did he want?"
"Want is it?—want? Sure I'll be after telling ye, as
ye're so curious, for it's myself asked him the question."
"Well, go on."
((
'Says I, 'What do you want at this hour my fine lad?
I'll tell your missus,' said he. Divil a bit,' says I,
'till ye've tould me first.' My business is with my
Lady,' says he. 'It will keep me warm till to-morrow,
then,' says I; 'for deuce an inch you get in till I know
180
JOKES AND JESTS,
what you want.' 'Can you keep à secret? says he.
'Can a duck swim?' says I. Upon that he came close to
me, and says he-But arrah you won't believe me."
"Indeed, I will.'
وو
"Well, then," says he 'I come to die hare. Die
hare?' says I. 'Yes,' says he.
And where would you
wish to die?' says I. In your missus's room,' says he
So with that I slam the door in his face."
6
"Indeed! Then you have done wrong," said Charlton,
ready to die with laughing.
66.
By dad, he came back again just now, and says he
again as pert as may be, 'Tell your missus I'm come
to die hare."""
“Well, what did you say?"
"What did I say?
boy would."
I
"And what was that?"
Sure I said what every honest
"Said I'Ye're a big blackguard, and an ugly
Christian; and you don't die hare. Go somewhere else
and die, you scamp of the world! Die hare, indeed!' So
gave him a push, and shut the door in his face; and
by dad I'm thinking he'll niver come here again to die."
The mistake was too ludicrous. Even Lady H-
laughed at it, although deprived for that night of a
pleasant—a royal rout.
AN INSULT WELL REBUKED.
FREDERICK THE GREAT, meeting one of his soldiers
who received a gash in the face at the battle of Kolen,
which had been lost by the Prussians, asked him, "In
what cabaret have they treated you thus?"
cabaret where your majesty always pays the bill,"
"In a
WIT AND HUMOR.
181
replied the soldier. The monarch felt that the man had
given a fit answer to his insulting question, and rewarded
him liberally.
ANSWERING TO THE GOAD.
A PRINCE, laughing one day at one of his courtiers
who had often served him in the capacity of ambassa-
dor, said that he resembled an ox. "I do not know
what I resemble," replied the courtier, "but I have
often had the honor to represent you.”
AN ACKNOWLEDGED DIFFICULTY.
AN amateur, inspecting some pictures by Poussin,
finding much to blame in one which represents the mar-
riage ceremony, exclaimed, "Oh, I see that it is difficult
to make a good marriage even in a picture!"
NOT BAD ENOUGH TO BE GOOD.
SOME one was smoking in the presence of President
Lincoln, and complimented him on having no vices,
neither drinking nor smoking. "That is a doubtful
compliment," answered the president. "I recollect once
being outside a stage in Illinois, and a man sitting by
me offered me a cigar. I told him I had no vices. He
said nothing, but went on smoking. At length he
grunted out, 'It's my experience that folks who have
no vices have plagued few virtues."
QUALIFICATIONS FOR MARRIAGE.
ALPHONSO the Wise, King of Arragon, said that the
conditions of a fortunate marriage were, that the hus-
band should be deaf and the wife blind. Sometimes it
is necessary to the happiness of the husband that he
should be blind as well as deaf.
182
JOKES AND JESTS,
F
GETTING AT THE PASS-WORD.
AN amusing story is attributed to the late President
Lincoln, about the Iowa First, and the changes which a
certain pass-word underwent about the time of the bat-
tle of Springfield. One of the Dubuque officers, whose
duty it was to furnish the guards with a pass-word for
the night, gave the word "Potomac." A German on
guard, not comprehending distinctly the difference
between B's and P's, understood it to be "Bottomic,"
and this, on being transferred to another, was corrupted
into 'Buttermilk." Soon afterwards the officer who had
given the word wished to return through the lines, and
on approaching a sentinel was ordered to halt, and the
word demanded. He gave the word "Potomac."
"Nicht right; you don't pass mit me dis way." " But
this is the word, and I will pass." "No, you stan',
at the same time placing a bayonet at his breast, in a
manner that told the officer that "Potomac" didn't
pass in Missouri. "What is the word, then?" "Butter-
milk." "Well, then, buttermilk." "Dat is right; now
you pass mit yourself all about your piziness.' There
was then a general overhauling of the pass-word, and
the difference between Potomac and Buttermilk being
understood, the joke became one of the laughable inci-
dents of the campaign.
FOR THE DEAD LETTER OFFICE.
""
,,,
VOLTAIRE wrote to a young man who persecuted him
with his letters: "Sir, I am dead, and consequently
cannot have the honor of replying to you." The young
man, however, continued to write to him, addressing his
letters henceforward to " M.Voltaire, in the other world."
WIT AND HUMOR.
183
-3
NEAR RELATIONS MARRYING.
THE Duke of Orleans said of the marriage of two
extremely poor persons, that in their case "hunger had
espoused thirst."
NOT A RECOMMENDATION IN HER CASE.
A MEMBER of the Academy of Chalons, recounting one
day all the prerogatives of that academy, concluded by
saying, that it was the eldest daughter of the French
Academy. Voltaire, who was one of his auditors, said,
Certainly, if that be so, it is a very good, quiet girl,
who has never given occasion for any talk."
(6
DISCERNING THOUGH BLIND.
MADAME DU DEFFANT, after she had become blind,
happened to be in company with a number of foolish
gossips. "What stupid book is that you are reading
there?" she asked.
ADVICE TO PARENTS.
JOSH BILLINGS, says: "Tew bring up a child in the
way he should go-travel that way yourself."
THE CARDINAL IN THE WRONG.
Ar the siege of Landrecies, 1655, M. de la Feuillade
was wounded by a musket ball in the head. The sur-
geons said that the wound was dangerous, and that his
brain was visible. "Ah, well, gentlemen," said la Feuil-
lade, “do me the pleasure to take a little of it, and,
whether I live or die, send it to the Cardinal Mazarin,
who always says that I have none."
INIMITABLE.
THE successor of the Duke de Vendome in a provin-
184
JOKES AND JESTS,
cial government accepted a purse of a thousand louis,
which was presented to him, as a matter of custom and
for form's sake, on his solemn entry. "But," said the
dismayed magistrate, "your predecessor refused it."
"Ah!" replied the new governor, "M. de Vendome was
an inimitable man."
WOOING THE BROWN MARE.
MR. MEWINS was courting a young lady of some
attractions, and something of a fortune into the bargain.
After a liberal arrangement had been made for the
young lady by her father, Mr. Mewins, having taken a
particular fancy to a little brown mare, demanded that
it should be thrown into the bargain; and, upon a posi-
tive refusal, the match was broken off. After a couple
of years the parties accidentally met at a country ball.
Mr. Mewins was quite willing to renew the engagement;
but the lady appeared not to have the slightest recollec-
tion of him. "Surely you have not forgotton me," said
he.
"What is your name, sir?" she inquired. "Mew-
ins," he replied; "I had the honor of paying my
addresses to you, about two years ago." "I remember
a person of that name," she rejoined, "who paid his
attentions to my father's brown mare."
STRANGE BUT TRUE.
By a strange contradiction, those who most despise
money are those who are the most eager after the pleasures
it procures.
STOP THE BOAT.
DURING the recent civil war a farmer from one of the
border counties of Virginia, appealed to President Lin-
WIT AND HUMOR.
185
coln to redress some small grievance which he had suffered
at the hands of Union soldiers. The president replied
that if he were to deal with such cases he should find
work enough for twenty presidents. The farmer, how-
ever, urged his case, saying, "Couldn't you just give me
a line to Colonel about it? just one line!" "Ha,
ha!" responded the president, "that reminds me of old
Jack Chase. Jack used to be lumberman on the Illinois,
and he was steady and sober, and the best raftsman on
the river. It was quite a trick, twenty-five years ago, to
take logs over the rapids, but he was skillful with a raft
and always kept her straight in the channel. Finally a
steamer was put on, and Jack was made captain of her.
He always used to take the wheel, going through the
rapids. One day when the boat was plunging and wal-
lowing along the boiling current, and Jack's utmost
vigilance was being exercised to keep her in the narrow
channel, a boy pulled his coat-tail and hailed him with:
"Say, Mr. Captain! I wish you would just stop your
boat a minute-I've lost my apple overboard!"
LIGHT FOR THE BLIND.
A BLIND man going for water to a fountain, carried a
jug in one hand and a candle in the other. "What is
the good of your candle," said a passer-by, "since you
cannot see a step before you?" "It is to prevent stupid
fellows like you running against me and breaking my
jug," replied the blind man.
HOW TO SET AN EXAMPLE.
SOME one advised Madame de Longueville, distin-
guished alike for her virtue and her high birth, to go to
court for the sake of setting a good example to its fre-
186
JOKES AND JESTS,
quenters. "I do not see how," she replied, "I can set
a better example than by keeping away from it."
AN UNRECOGNIZED CLAIM.
A SUPPLIANT for an office, of more than ordinary pre-
tensions, called upon President Lincoln, and asserted as
a reason why the office should be given to him, that he
had by his influence and exertions made Mr. Lincoln
president. "You made me president, did you?" said
Mr. Lincoln with a twinkle of his eye. "I think I did,”
said the applicant. "Then a pretty mess you've got me
into, that's all," replied the president. This closed the
interview.
•
BEATEN ON BOTH SIDES.
A GENERAL, who had been vanquished both in Germany
and Italy, found one day the figure of a tambour painted
above his door, with the inscription, "I am beaten on
each side."
NOT WHAT HE INTENDED.
DURING the American civil war a planter from the
country saw an old acquaintance in Nashville, who was
also a slaveholder, and said, "I have several negro men
lurking about here somewhere. I wish you would look
out for them; and, when you find them, do with them
as if they were your own.' "Certainly I will," replied
his friend. A few days. after the parties met again, and
the planter asked: “Have you found my slaves?"
slaves?" "I
have." "And where are they?" "Well, you told me
to do with them just as if they were my own, and, as I
made my men enlist in the Union army I did the same
with yours." The secessionist planter was horrified.
WIT AND HUMOR.
187
AN UNDERSTOOD PERIL.
A KING OF PORTUGAL, having to write to the Pope,
told one of his courtiers to draw up one form of a letter,
whilst he himself drew up another, so that the better of
the two might be dispatched. When the two letters
had heen finished, the king could not deny that the
courtier's was the best, and told him so. The courtier
only replied by a profound salute, and immediately rose
to take leave of his most intimate friend, remarking,
"I can no longer remain at court, for the king has
discovered that I am cleverer than he is."
EQUAL RIGHTS.
GENERAL EGBERT L. VIELE, Governor of Norfolk,
during the late American civil war, was visited one day
by a lady, who wore the Confederate colors prominently
in the shape of a brooch. The general delicately sug-
gested that it would have been in better taste to come
to his office without such a decoration. "I have a right,
sir, to consult my own wishes as to what I shall wear.'
"Then, madam,” replied the general, "permit me to
claim an equal right in choosing with whom I shall
converse." The lady withdrew.
UNMERITORIOUS GOODNESS.
وو
A PIOUS dame, whose temper was just a little sour,
complained to her daughter-in-law's confessor, that,
although the young lady did a great deal of good, there
was no merit in her charities as she was naturally of a
charitable disposition, and did not bestow them out of
love to God. "Never mind," said the confessor," she
will get to heaven without deserving it."
188
JOKES AND JESTS,
AN IDOLATOR.
AN American Indian, soon after the discovery of
America, was sent as the bearer of a letter and some
fruit. On his way he eat of the fruit, and on his arrival
at his destination he was reprimanded for his delinquency.
The Indian at once prostrated himself in adoration of
the letter, which he supposed must be a god, since it had
revealed his fault.
UNRECORDED BRUTALITY.
WHEN the proposed law for the transfer of the ashes
of Napoleon from St. Helena to Paris was laid before
the French Chamber of Deputies, it is said that one of
the members exclaimed, "His ashes! Have those
wretched English been so brutal, then, as to burn him?"
HANGING, IN EITHER CASE.
"WE must be unanimous," observed Hancock, on the
occasion of signing the declaration of American Inde-
pendence; "there must be no pulling different ways."
"Yes," observed Franklin, "We must all hang together,
or most assuredly we shall all hang separately."
WHO WILL LIVE LONGEST.
A BISHOP One day said to Abbe de Bernis, who lived a
very worldly kind of life, “As long as I live, you shall
have no preferment!" "I can wait," replied the Abbe.
A CAPITAL WISH.
THE Boston Daily American tells the following story:
A gentleman and lady had a beautiful child about a year
old, which attracted so much attention from their neigh-
bors, that the young ladies residing in an opposite house
i
WIT AND HUMOR.
189
frequently sent over to "borrow the baby." On return-
ing home to dinner one day, the father of the child was
out of humor on finding it gone as usual. "There,
Jane," said he, "go over to the Misses and get the
baby; give them my compliments, and tell them I wish
they had a baby of their own, and were not obliged to
borrow."
A BITTER PILL.
MOLIERE said that insult was a pill which one might
readily swallow, but not chew without many grimaces.
AN HISTORIC TRUTH.
THE secret of many conspiracies and many revolutions
is revealed in the profound and historic reply of Mallet
to the president of the council of war, when the latter
asked him, "Who were your accomplices?" "Yourself,
if I had succeeded."
TOO POLITE FOR THE BISHOP'S EASE.
(6
THE Jesuit, Father Gaillard, having entered the car-
riage of M. Tellier, the Archbishop of Rheims, hesitated
to sit down until the prelate should have done so. “Will
you not be seated?" said the latter. My lord, I could
not think-" "Sit down, sir!" replied the prelate. "Do
you not see that your sitting down will make the cush-
ion rebound and give me more of the feathers?"
SENTIMENTAL.
THE heart of man, says Fielding, offers contradic-
tions which will never be explained. If you go to see
the representation of a tragedy, you will find the pit and
boxes displaying the greatest sensibility. But lo! if
+
190
JOKES AND JESTS.
1
the author of the piece were to be drowned, or perish by
any other accident, in the sight of these very persons,
scarcely one of them would shed a tear.
AN AGREEABLE ASSURANCE.
AFTER the funeral ceremonies which took place at St.
Denis in honor of Louis XVIII., the master of the
ceremonies presented his report of the proceedings to his
successor, Charles X. Some confusion had taken place
in the service in consequence of a dispute between two
prelates. "But," observed M. de Breuze, "your
Majesty may be assured that everything shall be prop-
erly arranged on the next occasion of the kind."
THE AIR OF PARIS.
BARBIN, the bookseller, had a very pretty and well-
furnished country house at Ivry, which, however, had
neither courtyard nor garden. Boileau was invited to
dine there, and some minutes after the conclusion of
the repast ordered the horses to be put to the carriage.
"But where are you going, then, so soon?" said Barbin.
"I am going to take the air in Paris!” replied Boileau.
A MODEST STATESMAN.
THOMAS JEFFERSON, when Minister to France, being
presented at Court, some eminent functionary remarked,
"You replace Dr. Franklin, sir.' "I succeed Dr.
Franklin," was Mr. Jefferson's prompt reply; "no man
can replace him."
CLEARLY MISTAKEN.
A GENTLEMAN at an inn asked the person sitting next
to him if he would please to pass the mustard.
"Sir,"
WIT AND HUMOR.
191
said the man, "do
you
mistake me for a waiter?" "Oh
no, sir," was the reply, "I mistook you for a gentleman.”
THE SAME END IN VIEW.
WEMYSS, a theatrical manager in Philadelphia, quitted
the profession, and opened a store for the sale of patent
medicines. Upon this a friend dryly remarked, that in
the new avocation he would no doubt be more successful
than in the old, in filling both boxes and pit.
BOTH DISSATISFIED.
A WOMAN who had once been handsome, but was
reduced to the necessity of painting, said to a general,
"How is it that, after having acquired so much glory
you till seek it?" The latter replied, "How is it that,
having been so beautiful, you still wear rouge?"
A BELLICOSE PRINCE.
THE Prince of Conde, who died in 1818, having invited
one day a certain lieutenant-general to dine with him,
the latter, on sitting down to table, found his sword
much in the way. The prince, perceiving it, said, "You
will agree with me, general, that there is nothing more
annoying than to wear one's sword in the scabbard."
KNOWN ABROAD, IF NOT AT HOME.
THE Count d'Estaing, who had distinguished himself
in the American War of Independence, showed that he
was a true patriot from commencement of the French
Revolution. Having been cited to appear before the
Revolutionary Tribunal, and questioned as to his name,
he replied, "It is sufficiently well known, but perhaps
you forget it. When you have cut off my head, how-
192
JOKES AND JESTS,
ever, send it to the English, and you will find that they
have not forgotten me.'
""
APPROPRIATE TO THE OCCASION.
A CLERGYMAN, being much pressed by a lady acquaint-
ance to preach a sermon the first Sunday after her mar-
riage, complied, and chose the following passage in the
Psalms as his text: "And there shall be abundance of
peace while the moon endureth.”
RHADMANTHUS ON THE JUDGMENT SEAT.
A MAN, named Josh Clarges, was charged before a
country squire with stealing a hog. Three witnesses
swore that they saw him steal it. Josh knew that the
squire was a zany, and called twelve witnesses who
swore that they did not see him steal the porker. The
magistrate, in dismissing the case, remarked "that it
was impossible to resist the weight of evidence adduced
on the part of the defendant."
A CONQUEROR, BUT NOT A CUT-PURSE.
ALEXANDER having arrived in front of the army of
Darius by night, Parmenio advised him to take advan-
tage of the circumstance and attack it at once. "I do
not wish to steal a victory," replied Alexander.
NOT AN INSUPERABLE DIFFICULTY.
THE Marquis d'Argenson said, "Every one thinks
that it is hard to die, and I think so too; but I have
noticed that, when the time comes, every one gets over
the difficulty."
COOKING AN AMBASSADOR.
CHARLES II., having asked at a levee how one of his
WIT AND HUMOR.
193
envoys, lately sent to a half-civilized country, had fared,
was informed that he had been "well roasted."
" I'll
take care (said his Majesty) how I send a raw ambassa-
dor again."
MATERNAL JUSTICE.
A PRIEST reproached a lady for not praying for her
son, who was lately deceased. "But what would be the
use?" said the mother; "he is either in heaven or hell.
If he is in heaven he does not need my prayers, and if
he is in hell they would do him no good." "But,
madam, suppose he is in purgatory?" "Oh! in that case
he had better remain there, for he has well deserved it."
OBLIGED TO DO IT.
""
AFTER a representation of his tragedy of "Atreus,
Crebillon was asked why he had selected the terrible style
of writing. "I had no choice left," he replied; "Cor-
neille had taken heaven, and Racine the earth; nothing
was left to me but hell, into which I have thrown
myself like a lost soul.”
>
WHY A MEDIATOR.
MARSHAL DE BRISSAC had lost consciousness; when
his attendants sent for a Capuchin friar to confess
him. As soon as the friar approached his bedside, the
Marshal recovered his consciousness, and said to him,
Capuchin! what has made you venture to set yourself
up as a mediator between God and Timoleon?" (the
Marshal's Christian name.)
66
HER VIEW OF THE CASE.
A LADY having confessed to her priest that she was
too fond of cards, the confessor pointed out to her that,
13
194
JOKES AND JESTS,
in the first place, there was a great waste of time.
"Alas! yes," she cried; "there is a great quantity of
time lost in dealing and shuffling."
A CHOIR OUT OF SORTS.
"You see, miss," said a Suffolk parish clerk to a sym-
pathizing visitor, "our choir has got a little out of sorts;
there's old Jeemes Comber has been at it sixty years or
more; he should know what singing is, and he would
get on pretty well if Joe Jenkins did not keep a boffling
him with his clarionet; and there's Master Mitchell, he
does do to the uttermost, but when there's anything that
wants to go very high then his cough comes."
A DEFENSE OF POLYGAMY.
THE Princess de Conti, daughter of Louis XIV., con-
versing with the ambassador of Morocco, exclaimed
against the plurality of wives allowed amongst the
Mahometans, to which the ambassador replied—“ Mad-
ame, if we are allowed a plurality of wives, it is only
because we have to seek in many women, in Morocco,
the qualities which are to be found in a single one in
France."
A NEAPOLITAN NOTION OF POLITENESS.
A NEAPOLITAN gentleman showing a handsome watch
to a French gentleman, the latter admired it very much,
whereupon the owner politely offered it for his accept-
ance; but, when the Frenchman had accepted it, he
cried out in a passion-"Where is your politeness, sir?
What I offered you through politeness you should,
through politeness, have refused."
WIT AND HUMOR.
195
A QUESTION OF DEGREE.
An old woman meeting a young girl whom she had
not seen for some time, cried, "Ah! my
"Ah! my child! my child!
Is it you or your sister that is dead?" "It is my sister
who is dead,” replied the girl; "but is I who have been
the most ill."
SETTLING THE QUESTION.
Two neighbors having gone shares in the purchase of
a pig, disagreed as to the time when it should be killed.
"Well," said one of them, "you may kill your half when
you like; I shall kill mine now."
A SIGN OF LIFE.
A CHARACTERISTIC story of President Lincoln is told.
When the telegram from Cumberland Gap informed Mr.
Lincoln that "firing was heard in the direction of Knox-
ville," he remarked that he was glad of it." Some person
present, who had the perils of Burnside's position upper-
most in his mind, could not see why Mr. Lincoln should
be "glad of it," and so expressed himself.
“Why, you
see," responded the President, "it reminds me of Mis-
tress Sallie Ward, a neighbor of mine, who had a very
large family. Occasionally one of her numerous progeny
would be heard crying in some out-of-the-way place,
upon which Mistress Sallie would exclaim, "There's
one of my children that isn't dead yet."
SERVICEABLE GUNS.
POTHIER one day said to a friend, that he had once had
excellent guns.
"And in what were they so excellent?"
inquired the other. "As soon as thieves entered my
196
JOKES AND JESTS,
house they went off, although they were not loaded."
"How was that?" "The thieves took them off."
AS HE WAS TOLD.
TOLD
"
A FARMER Once hired a man from Vermont to assist
him in drawing logs. The Yankee, when there was a
log to lift, generally contrived to secure the smallest end,
for which the farmer chastised him, and told him always
to take the butt end. Dinner came, and with it a sugar-
loaf Indian pudding. Jonathan sliced off a generous
portion of the largest end, giving the farmer the wink,
and exclaimed, “Always take the butt end.”
AN EXPERIMENTAL REFUSAL.
THE proclamation of a King of Poland could not be
made without the free and individual consent of every
member of the nobility. At the coronation of Ladislaus,
the eldest brother of King Casimir, the primate having
demanded of the nobility whether they accepted that
prince, one of the inferior nobility replied that he did
not. When he was asked what objection he had to Lad-
islaus, he replied that he had none, except that he did
not wish him to be king, and persisted in this for more
than an hour, during which time he necessarily delayed
the proclamation. At length he threw himself at the
king's feet, and said, "Sire, I only wished to see whether
my country were still free. I am now satisfied, and give
my suffrage for your majesty."
BREAKING A COMMANDMENT.
AN American editor complains that all the good things
in his journal are cut out and inserted in other news-
WIT AND HUMOR.
197
papers, without acknowledgment. "He says, "they do
not render unto scissors the things that are scissors."
COMPLIMENTS ON THE ROAD.
A PRIEST encountering a troop of freebooters who
were looking out for plunder, said to the leader, "May
heaven grant you peace," to which malediction (as it
appeared to the freebooters) the captain replied, "May
heaven deprive you of purgatory!"
A ROYAL PROCLAMATION.
LOUIS XIV. expressed himself with nobility and pre-
cision; and it is pleasant to recall his farewell to the
Duke of Anjou, when the latter went to reign over Spain.
Wishing to express his hope that an alliance so close as
that which then united the two great monarchs of France
and Spain might produce a perpetual peace between the
two countries, he said to the prince as he was taking
leave of him, "Adieu! There are no longer any Pyre-
nees!"
A NECESSARY INSTRUCTOR.
A NEW YORK paper publishes the following:-"A
young lady, perfectly competent, wishes to form a class
of young mothers and nurses, to instruct them in the art
of talking to infants in such a manner as will interest
and please them."
EASIER TO DESTROY THAN TO SUBDUE.
It is easier to destroy a people than to make them
submit; and it was the knowledge of this fact which
made an able general officer say to his sovereign, “If
you wish to destroy these people, only twenty thousand
men will be necessary; but if you wish to subdue them
you will have to employ forty thousand."
198
JOKES AND JESTŠ,
GOOD, BUT NOT FOR EATING.
A WEALTHY bishop congratulated a poor priest on the
good air which he breathed in his parish, to which the
latter replied "Yes! my lord, the air would be good
enough if I could only live on it."
THE LAST PENALTY.
A CANON of Castille, having killed a shoemaker, was
only condemned for his crime-not to sit in the choir
for a whole year. The son of the shoemaker, exasper-
ated at this injustice, killed the canon. Pierre, the judge,
being appealed to for justice, by the canon's relations,
replied "That as he had prohibited the canon from sit-
ting in the choir for a year, he should prohibit the shoe-
maker's son from making shoes for a year."
PLAY LOW.
A SO-CALLED gentleman having been surprised cheat-
ing at play, was flung by those whom he had tricked
from the first floor window of the gambling hall: when
he recovered from his injuries he went to a friend to
seek his counsel as to what steps he should take. "The
only advice I can give you," said his friend, "is always
to play on the ground floor."
DEFINITIONS.
An elderly maiden, who has suffered some disappoint,
ments, thus defines the human race:-Man: A con,
glomerate mass of hair, tobacco-smoke, confusion, con
ceit, and boots.—Woman: The waiter, perforce, on the
aforesaid animal.-Husband: An instrument con,
structed to growl over shirt-buttons that "arn't there."
-Wife: A machine for darning stockings, sewing on
VIT AND HUMOR.
199
shirt buttons, and making puddings and other things.-
Father: A being who thrashes the boys, and won't
"fork over" as his fair olive branches desire.-Mother:
A pleasant song—a sweet vision of childhood.—Child:
A compound of delightful and distressing elements.-
Baby: An invention for keeping people awake at night,
and for the aggrandizement of washerwomen.
HERBIVEROUS.
THE Hon. Henry Erskine was, notwithstanding his
powers as a humorist, once overcome in wit by a country
clergyman. The Rev. Dr. M'C.
minister of Douglas,
and Mr. Erskine, had met at the dinner table of a mutual
friend. A dish of cresses being on the table, the rever-
end gentleman took a supply on his plate, which he
proceeded to eat, using his fingers. Erskine remarked
that the doctor's procedure reminded him of Nebuchad-
"Ay," retorted Dr. M'C- "that'll be
because I'm eatin' amang the brutes."
nezzar.
66
HER CONSOLATION.
"
A VILLAGE pastor was examining his parishioners in
their catechism. The first question in the Heidelberg
Catechism is this, "What is thy only consolation in life
and death?" A young girl, to whom the pastor put this
question, laughed, and would not answer.
The priest
insisted."Well then," said she at length, "If I must
tell you, it is the young shoemaker that lives in the Rue
Agneaux."
A CHECKMATE.
A GUEST at an inn, having asked one of the stablemen
what countryman he was, the latter replied that he came
200
JOKES AND JESTS,
from Yorkshire. "And how long have you served in
this house?" "Sixteen years." "And do you mean to
say that a native of that county could have been so long
here without getting together enough to set up for him-
self? You surprise me!" "Ah! But my master is a
Scotchman."
A TEST OF COURAGE.
WHEN some one spoke in the presence of Charles V.
of a certain Spanish captain who had never known what
fear was, the Emperor observed, "It is quite certain,
then, that he has never snuffed the candle with his
fingers."
NOT POSSIBLE.
THE Viscount de Segur once accosted M. de Vaines
in these terms: "Is it true, sir, that in such and such.
a house in which the company had the goodness to say
that I was witty, you declared that I was not?" "There
is not a word of truth in it," replied M. de Vaines, "for
I am happy to say that I was never in a house in which
you were considered witty."
AN ANODYNE.
A ROMAN citizen who had long been in a state of
great poverty, died at a very advanced age. The Empe-
ror Augustus, hearing of it, said to his attendants,-
"Purchase his mattress for me, for there must be some
great virtue in it since he could sleep on it whilst in
such poverty."
A VALUABLE HORSE.
"A WAG purchased a very fine horse. Returning from
a ride a few days afterwards, he said he had discovered
WIT AND HUMOR.
201
d
a quality in his animal which added a few pounds to his
value "he shied at a lawyer."
A FAST AND LOOSE PLACE.
A Swiss, traveling in Russia, passed through a village
in the winter time, and was attacked by some dogs.
He stooped down to pick up a stone with which to drive
them away, but found it so fastened to the soil by the
frost that he could not detach it. "Oh! what a horrid
country," he said, "where they let the dogs loose and
chain the stones!"
ON THE WRONG ROAD.
SOME young men, going from Columbus to Cincin-
nati, Ohio, in the cars, were getting rather noisy and
profane, when a gentleman in a white cravat tapped one
of them on the shoulder, with the remark, "Young
man, do you know that you are on the road to perdi-
tion?" "That's just my luck; I got a ticket for Cin-
cinnati, and I've got into the wrong train."
A FAIR REQUEST.
THE following story of "Life in Kentucky," being in
print, ought, of course, to be believed: "Early one
morning the shouts of a female were heard. All ran to
the spot. When they arrived they saw a man and a
bear engaged in combat. They had it hip and thigh, up
and down, over and under, the man's wife standing by
and hallooing "fair play." The company ran up, and
insisted on parting them. "No, no," said the woman,
"let them fight it out; for it's the first fight I ever saw
that I didn't care which whipped!"
202
JOKES AND JESTS,
A PROOF OF AMIABILITY.
A PREACHER, in a funeral sermon on a lady, after sum-
ming up all her good qualities, added, "that she always
reached her husband his hat, without muttering."
THE DATE OF NO CONSEQUENCE.
A YOUNG prince of the house of Monaco was asked why
he had married a rich old woman. "Ma foi," was the
gay young prince's reply, "what poor fellow, in a hurry
to get a bank note cashed, troubles himself to look at the
date of it?"
PRECAUTIONARY.
A POOR man once came to a miser, and said, "I have
a favor to ask."_" So have I," said the miser, "grant
mine first."" Agreed."-"My request is," said the
miser, "that you ask me for nothing."
A SATIRE IN A SUPERSTITION.
THERE was a time when it was common for persons
in France to make their wills, if they dreamed that they
saw a medical man, as this was believed to be a sign of
approaching death.
ST. PUMP TO THE RESCUE.
THE French Commodore Forbin, who, in reign of
Louis XIV., performed such distinguished services for
France, in one of his expeditions had his vessel struck by
a heavy sea which filled it with water. The terrified crew
began to invoke all the saints to protect them. Forbin,
knowing that everything depended upon prompt and
resolute action, cried out, "Courage, my children! Your
vows are excellent, but they are addressed to the wrong
WIT AND HUMOR.
203
وو
saints: it is St. Pump that you should invoke just now,
and I am sure that he will save you. He set the
example, and the crew working with a will at the pumps,
the vessel was saved.
TO THE VERY EXTREMITIES.
و
AN American wag thus describes the constitution of
his company of volunteers:-"I'm captain of the Baldins-
ville company.
I riz gradooaly but majesticly from
drummer's secretary to my present position. I deter-
mined to have my company composed excloosively of
offissers, everybody to rank as brigadier-general. As all
air commandin' offissers there ain't no jelusy; and as we
air all exceedin' smart, it t'aint worth while to try to
outstrip each other. The idee of a company composed
excloosively of commanders-in-chief orriggernated, I
spose I skursely need say, in this brane. Considered as
an idee, I flatter myself it's pretty heavy. We've got
the tackticks at our tongs' end, but what we partickly
excel in is restin' muskits. We can rest muskits with
anybody. Our corpse will do its dooty. We'll be chopt
into sassage meat before we'll exhibit our coat tails to
the foe. We'll fight till there's nothing left to us but
our little toes, and even they shall defiantly wriggle."
NIGGER MATHEMATICS.
A
A GENTLEMAN who happened to have an interview
with President Lincoln, just previous to the battle of
Gettysburg, turned the conversation on the rebel invasion.
of Pennsylvania, and made the remark that the rebels.
were splendidly armed. "There's no doubt of that,"
replied Mr. Lincoln, "because we supplied them with
204
JOKES AND JESTS,
the best we had." The visitor then expressed a confident
hope, that Meade would nevertheless be able to beat
Lee and capture his whole army. The president replied
that he was afraid there would be too much "nigger
mathematics" in it. The visitor smiled politely at the
allusion, supposing that there must be something in it,
though he could not see the point. "Ah, you don't
know what nigger mathematics is," continued Mr.
Lincoln. "Lay down your hat for a minute, and I'll
tell you. There was a darkey in my neighborhood
called Pompey, who, from a certain quickness in figuring
up the prices of chickens and vegetables, got the reputa-
tion of being a mathematical genius. Mr. Johnson, a
darkey preacher, heard of Pompey, and called to see him.
Hear ye're a great mat'm'tishun, Pompey.' 'Yes, sar,
you jus try.'
'Well, Pompey, I'ze compound a problem
in mat'matics.'
(
All right, sar.' 'Now, Pompey,
s'pose der am tree pigeons sittin' on a rail fence, and
you fire a gun at 'em and shoot one, how many's left?'
'Two, ob coors,' replies Pompey, after a little wool-
scratching. Ya, ya, ya,' laughs Mr. Johnson; 'I knowed
you was a fool, Pompey; dere's none left; one's dead,
and d'udder two's flown away.' That's what makes me
say (continued Mr. Lincoln) that I'm afraid there will
be too much nigger mathematics in the Pennsylvanian
campaign." And the result showed that, in this
instance, at least, the anecdote suited the fact. Lee's
army was the three pigeons. One of them was taken
down at Gettysburg, but the other two flew off over the
Potomac.
A YOUNG DECEIVER.
THE young Papirius, having been one day taken by
WIT AND HUMOR.
205
(6
his father to the Roman Senate, whilst it was deliberat-
ing on important matters, was questioned by his mother,
on his return, as to what had been the subject of discus-
sion. "Mother," he replied, "I have been expressly
forbidden to say anything about it." This answer so
excited her curiosity, that she used every means in her
power to force her son to satisfy it, and at length he said,
Well, the Senate was deliberating whether it were
more to the advantage of the State that every man
should have two wives, or that every woman should have
two husbands." The wife of the Senator, uneasy as to
what might be the result of such a discussion, hastened
to speak with the other Roman ladies on the subject,
and the result was that on the following day they col-
lected in crowds round the Senate House, exclaiming
that it was better that a woman should have two hus-
bands than that a man should have two wives, and that
in any case nothing should be decided in such a matter
till the women had been heard. The Senate, surprised
at these ridiculous outcries, sought for an explanation,
which the young Papirius readily afforded by describing
how he had eluded his mother's curiosity. The sena-
tors highly extolled his prudence, but determined that,
henceforth, with the exception of himself, no young per-
son should be admitted to their debates.
PRECEDENCE.
HAYDON and his son Frank were in a churchyard,
watching a sexton digging a grave. “Ah," said Hay-
don, "Frank, that will be yours as well as my last
home." "But yours first, papa," said Frank.
206
JOKES AND JESTS,
SERVING HIS APPRENTICESHIP.
A YOUNG man requested Cartouche, the brigand, to
admit him into his band. "How have you been em-
ployed?" "I have been two years with a lawyer, and
six months with an inspector of police." All that time,
said Cartouche, "you may consider you have spent with
me."
A PROJECTED SACRIFICE.
""
HAYDON was deeply distressed by the death of David
Wilkie in the Bay of Gibraltar; yet his sorrow is
strangely mixed up with other feelings. He writes:
"Could one have imagined he would have been flung
into the depths of the ocean!
My only regret
is that the thirty-nine Academicians were not flung after
him, as they ought to have been, on the ancient principle
of sacrificing to the manes of a distinguished man!"
A LIBERAL CENSOR.
A PERSON of exemplary piety, having written a work on
fasting and mortification, wished to have it printed, and
it was submitted to the censorship of a fat and wealthy
prelate, who approved of it. A wit, hearing of this, said,
"It is a case of Shrove Tuesday approving of Ash Wed-
nesday."
GRANDER THAN THAT.
NOTHING more excited the wonder of Fuseli than the
smoke of London. He said to Haydon, one day, “It's
like the smoke of the Israelites making bricks." "It is
grander," said Haydon, "for it is the smoke of a people
who would have made the Egyptians make bricks for
them." "Well done, John Bull," replied Fuseli.
WIT AND HUMOR.
207
THE BEST OF REASONS.
SOME one asked of Diogenes, "Why do you eat in the
market-place?" "Because I am hungry in the market-
place," replied the philosopher.
A PAINTER'S MODELS.
HAYDON, the painter, turned even his distresses to
account. In 1834 he notes: "Directly after the Duke's
letter came with its inclosed check, an execution was
put in for the taxes. I made the man sit for Cassandra's
hand, and put on a Persian bracelet. When the broker
came for his money, he burst out a-laughing. There
was the fellow, an old soldier, pointing in the attitude
of Cassandra-upright and steady, as if on guard. Laza-
rus' head was painted just after an arrest; Eucles
finished from a man in possession; the beautiful face in
Xenophon in the afternoon, after a morning spent in
begging mercy of lawyers; and Cassandra's head was
finished in agony not to be described, and her hand com-
pleted from a broker's man.'
""
MORE THAN ONE RECOVERY.
At the time when the great body of citizens went to
the several churches in Paris to return thanks to heaven
for the recovery of Louis XIV., Denserade, in an eulo-
gium which he delivered at the French academy on that
Prince, said, "To thank God for our monarch's recovery,
the merchant leaves his country house, the artisan his
workshop, and the doctor leaves his patient; and,” he
added, "the patient feels all the better for it."
TOO BAD OF THEM.
A YOUNG gentleman who had been compelled to
have recourse to an infinity of stratagems to maintain
208
JOKES AND JESTS,
his credit, at length received almost innumerable letters
from his creditors, threatening actions if they were not
immediately satisfied. "What a frightful shame!" he
cried, in a fury, "I have had the deuce's own work to
borrow money, and now I am tormented to death to
repay it."
NOT DOING THINGS BY HALVES.
A MAGISTRATE having condemned a peasant to pay half-
a-crown for an assault, the delinquent complained that
it was a very heavy penalty. "I will not abate it a
farthing," said the magistrate. "Very well, then,"
replied the rustic, throwing a crown piece upon the
table, and giving the magistrate a box on the ears, "that
will do for two: pay yourself."
A KNOWING OSTLER.
A GOOD story is told of an ostler, who was sent to the
stable to bring forth a traveler's horse. Not knowing
which of the two strange horses in the stalls belonged to
the traveler, and wishing to avoid the appearance of
ignorance in his business, he saddled both animals and
brought them to the door. The traveler pointed out
his own horse, saying, "That's my nag." "Certainly,
your honor, I know that very well, but I didn't know
which was the other gentleman's."
AN UNFORTUNATE PARODY.
MRS. W., the widow of a celebrated musician, had
inscribed upon his monument, "He is gone where only
his music can be excelled." The widow of a pyrotech-
nist saw this, and had inscribed on her husband's tomb,
"He is gone where only his fireworks can be excelled."
WIT AND HUMOR.
209
BY DEGREES.
A YANKEE laid a wager with a Dutchman that he
could swallow him. Bidding him stretch himself upon
the table, he fastened with his teeth upon the poor fel-
low's big toe, and gave it a hard nip. "Auf! you ish
biting me!" roared the Dutchman. Why, you old
fool, do you think I am going to swallow you whole?"
replied the Yankee.
CC
AN INTELLIGENT CONJECTURE,
A BEADLE of a church being asked why a cock had
been placed on top of the spire, rather than a hen,
replied, "I suppose it is because if it were a hen, and
she were to hatch up there, the eggs would be broken by
the fall."
VERY TRUE,
Ir has been said "that one advantage which clever
men have, is, that they can always say something non-
sensical."
THE ORIGIN OF LOW DRESSES.
A VERY high dignitary of the church being at one of
the fetes of Saint Cloud, found that to pass from one saloon
to the other, he had to traverse a very narrow, but charm-
ing passage, almost blocked up by two immense dresses
of book muslin. Seeing that the prelate was somewhat
embarrassed, one of the beautiful girls to whom the
dresses belonged said, as she compressed the swelling
folds of her robes, "I will try to make room for you, my
lord, but the dressmakers really put so much stuff in our
dresses""That there remains nothing to cover you,"
smilingly replied the bishop, alluding to the young ladies'
bare necks and shoulders.
14
210
JOKES AND JESTS.
CONSECRATING THE CARRIAGE.
WHILE Dr. Bloomfield was at Chesterford, it was the
permanent annoyance of every Easter day that a stream
of carriages was passing through the village, giving it
the appearance, and too much of the reality, of a noisy
fair, while conveying the racing men of the day to New-
market. The Duke of York, when applied to on the
subject by Bishop Howley, declined to alter his practice,
but added that, "Though it was true that he traveled to
the races on Sunday, he always had a Bible and Prayer-
book in the carriage!"
A CLEVER DIAGNOSIS.
A PHYSICIAN having been shown the portrait of a man
painted by Titian, declared that the original must have
had the quartan ague when his likeness was taken—and
this was the fact.
WANTED AN AUTHOR.
THE History of England appeared so terrible to Vol-
taire, that he said, "It ought to be written by the
executioner, since it was he who had terminated almost
all our quarrels." The French revolution had not hap-
pened when this was said.
A REASON FOR GOING TO CHURCH.
THE Rev. Edward Irving was not, at the first, popular
as a preacher. Dr. Chalmers heard him, took a lik-
ing to him, and asked him to become his assistant
in Glasgow. Even there his eloquence was not rel-
ished, and often when he entered the church to officiate
he had the mortification to see crowds quitting it.
His personal character was, however, held in great
WIT AND HUMOR.
211
In one case he man-
professed infidelity,
Irving's father was a
esteem, and he drew many to the church who would
otherwise have never entered it.
aged to inveigle a cobbler who
by talking to him about leather.
tanner, and his acquaintance with leather was of old
standing. "What do ye ken about leather?" was the
first word from the cobbler that indicated a breach in his
impregnable disdain of the clergy. As the discourse.
advanced the shoemaker exclaimed, " Od, you're a decent
kind of fellow! Do you preach?" Finally he was induced
to go church, and he defended himself for so doing by
pronouncing this opinion on Irving: "He's a sensible
man, yon, he kens about leather."
FRIENDSHIP'S RETREATS.
M. DE RICHELIEU, the father of Marshal Richelieu,
was as inconstant in friendship as others are in love,
and his friends could always see what place they had in
his heart by the positions which their portraits had in
his house. When he first formed a friendship with any
one, he had his portrait painted, and placed it at the
foot of his bed; and as new friendships succeeded, the
picture passed from its first position to the chamber
door, from the chamber to the ante-chamber, from
thence to the corridor, and finally to the garret.
AN EPISCOPAL LICENSE NOT SUFFICIENT.
A YOUNG ecclesiastic having asked of his bishop per-
mission to preach, the latter replied, "I do not forbid
you to do so, but nature does."
INHOSPITABLE.
LADY BLESSINGTON used to describe Lord Abercorn's
212
JOKES AND JESTS,
$
The
conduct at the Priory, at Stanmore, as very strange.
She said, it was the most singular place on earth.
moment anybody became celebrated, they were invited.
He had a great delight in seeing handsome women.
Everybody handsome he made Lady Abercorn invite;
and all the guests shot, hunted, rode, or did what they
liked, provided they never spoke to Lord Abercorn
except at table. If they met him they were to take no
notice. At this time, Thaddeus of Warsaw was making
a noise.
"Gad!" said Lord Abercorn, "we must have
these Porters. Write, my dear Lady Abercorn." She
wrote. An answer came from Jane Porter, that they
could not afford the expense of traveling. A check
was sent. They arrived. Lord Abercorn peeped at
them as they came through the hall, and, running by
the private staircase to Lady Abercorn, exclaimed,
"Witches! my lady. I must be off," and immediately
started post, and remained away till they were gone.
A SIGHT-SEER.
LORD PETERBOROUGH was as brave and gallant as
Amadis, and even more distinguished for his travels.
It was said of him, that he had seen more kings and
more postilions than any other man in Europe.
WISDOM OF OUR ANCESTORS.
SYDNEY SMITH says, wisely and wittily, for wit is con-
centrated wisdom: "Experience is certainly the mother of
wisdom, and the old have, of course, a greater experience
than the young; but the question is, who are the old?
and who are the young? Of individuals living at the
same period, the oldest has, of course, the greatest
WIT AND HUMOR.
213
experience; but among generations of men the reverse
of this is true. Those who come first (our ancestors),
are the young people, and have the least experience.
We have added to their experience the experience of
many centuries; and, therefore, as far as experience
goes, are wiser, and more capable of forming an opiniou
than they were. The real feeling should be, not, can
we be so presumptuous as to put our opinions in opposi-
tion to those of our ancestors? but can such young,
ignorant, inexperienced persons as our ancestors neces-
sarily were, be expected to have understood a subject as
well as those who have seen so much more, lived so
much longer, and enjoyed the experience of so many
centuries? Our ancestors, up to the Conquest, were
children in arms; chubby boys in the time of Edward
the First; striplings under Elizabeth; men in the reign
of Queen Anne; and we only are the white-bearded,
silver-headed ancients, who have treasured up, and are
prepared to profit by, all the experience which human
life can supply."
A RESERVATION.
A YOUNG man said to his parent, "I will marry whom
you please, father, provided only that it be Mademoiselle
Hortense."
A ROYAL TEST.
HENRY IV., wishing to discover the characters of
some of his ministers, sent for them one after the other
and asked what should be done with a certain beam,
which he said was in a dangerous state? Villeroi, with-
out even raising his eyes, advised that another should
be immediately substituted for it. Jeannin, after atten-
214
JOKES AND JESTS,
=
tively examining it, declared that he could see no fault in
it, but said, as a matter of precaution, it had better be
examined by competent architects. Sully, being con-
sulted in his turn, said at once, "Sire, who could have
put such a foolish notion into your head? That beam
will last longer than either you or I."
66
· A SIMILAR REMEDY.
A Swiss in the neighborhood of Zurich, having a great
pain in one of his eyes, asked a neighbor how he could
cure it. Well," replied the other, "last year I had a
great pain in one of my teeth, and I had it pulled out,
when the pain immediately went away. Apply my
remedy to your eye."
RATHER IRISH.
AN Illinois farmer, who undertook to blast his own
rocks, failing to cause an explosion, explained that "the
powder had been exploded before."
VERY LAMENTABLE.
A FRENCH writer says, there was once, in the environs
of Rowen a miller's daughter so pretty and so cruel that
the sighs of her lovers alone served to turn the sails of
her father's mill.
POLITE TO THE LAST.
It is recorded of an American gentleman, famed for
his excessive politeness, that he was making a trip on
the Mississippi, when the boat sank. He got his head
above the water for once, took off his hat, and said,
"Ladies and gentlemen, you will please excuse me,” and-
down he went.
WIT AND HUMOR.
215
LIKE SOME PEOPLE'S REASONS.
A MAN who had never traveled far from his own vil-
lage, said he had no confidence in vaccination. "Of
what use is it?" he added; "why, I knew a child as
beautiful as the day, who was vaccinated, and who died
two days afterwards!" "Two days afterwards?" "Yes;
he fell from the branch of a tree and was killed on the
spot! Vaccinate your children after that, if you like!"
A PRESIDENTIAL SECRET.
WHEN the Sherman expedition which captured Port
Royal went out, there was great curiosity to learn where
it had gone. A person visiting President Lincoln at his
official residence importuned him to disclose the destina-
tion. "Will you keep it entirely secret?" asked the
President, "Oh yes, upon my honor." "Well," said the
President, "I'll tell you." Assuming an air of great
mystery, and drawing the man close to him, he kept
him a moment awaiting the revelation with an open
mouth and in great anxiety, and then said in a loud
whisper, which was heard all over the room, "The
expedition has gone to--sea."
A BOY THAT MUST SHINE IN THE WORLD.
A WELL-DRESSED man, standing at an hotel door in
New York not long since, was hailed by one of the street
shoe-blacks with the usual question, "Shine up, sir?"
"What do you charge for blacking boots?" asked the
man, who was somewhat noted for his stinginess. "Five
cents," was the reply. "Too much, too much; I'll
give you three cents," said the man. "All right," said
the youngster, and at it he went with might and main,
216
JOKES AND JESTS,
and very soon had one boot shining like a mirror; but,
instead of commencing on the other he began to pack
up his brushes.
"You haven't finished," exclaimed the
man. "Never mind," replied the boot-black, with a
twinkle in his eye; "I won't charge you anything for
what I've done; here comes a customer who pays."
The man glanced at the shining boot, then at the other
which was rusty and bespattered with mud, thought of
the ridiculous figure he would make with one polished
boot, and amid the laughter of the bystanders agreed to
give the sharp boy ten cents to finish the job, which he
did in double quick time, and with great pleasure.
EFFECT WITHOUT CAUSE.
Two Irishmen landed in America, and, taking the
way out into the interior in search of employment, came
suddenly near a pond of water, when to their great hor-
ror they heard some bull-frogs singing their usual song,
"B-a-u-m! B-a-u-m! B-a-u-m! They listened, trem-
bled, and, clutching their shellalies, crept cautiously for-
ward, straining their eyes in every direction to catch a
glimpse of the enemy, which, however, was not to be
found. At last a happy idea struck one of them, and he
sprung towards his mate, exclaiming, "Sure, Jamie, it's
nothing but a noise.”
A SHARP TRADER.
A SHARP Yankee went into the shop of a dry goods
dealer down east, and thus accosted the proprietor:
"Squire, do you trade?" "Considerable," was the reply.
"I mean do you dicker?" "Some; whatye got ter
dicker?" "A egg." "What ye want for a egg?" "Guess
I'd like a darnin' needle." The required needle was
WIT AND HUMOR.
217
dickered for the egg, and the Yankee was going away,
when he turned and said, "Squire, do you treat?"
"Well, I don't mind If I do,” replied the good-natured
tradesman. They repaired to an adjacent tavern, and
the usual bourbon was produced. "Hold on," cried the
Yankee, my chest's weak, and I never take whisky with-
out a egg in it." The generous shopkeeper handed him
the dickered egg, but without asking him for his needle
back again. The Yankee broke the shell on the edge of
the glass, when he exclaimed, “Geewillikins! this egg's
got two yokes. Guess you must gin me another darnin'
needle, Squire."
A LONG SPEECH.
WHEN the Kansas-Nebraska bill was being debated,
Senator Seward tapped Douglas on the shoulder and
whispered in his ear that he had some "Bourbon" in
the Senator's room which was twenty years old, and
upon which he desired to get Douglas' judgment. The
orator declined, saying that he meant to speak in a few
minutes, and wished his brain unclouded by the fumes
of liquor. At the conclusion of his speech Douglas
sank down exhausted in his chair, hardly conscious of
the congratulations of those who flocked around him.
At this juncture Seward seized the orator's arm, and
bore him off to the senatorial sanctum. "Here's the
Bourbon, Douglas," said Seward, "try some—it's sixty
years old."
"Seward," remarked Douglas, "I have
made to-day the longest speech ever delivered; history
has no parallel for it." "How is that?" rejoined Sew-
ard, "you spoke for two hours only." To this Douglas
replied, “A moment before I rose to speak you invited
218
JOKES AND JESTS,
me to partake of some Bourbon twenty years old, and
now you offer me some of the same liquor, with the
assertion that it is sixty years old!-a forty years' speech
was never delivered before."
A HINT TO THIRSTY SOULS.
THE young Cyrus expressing his surprise at seeing
his grandfather stagger after dinner, Astyages asked
him, "Does not the same thing ever happen to your
father?" "Never!" replied Cyrus. "What happens to
him, then, when he has drunk his fill?" "He is no longer
thirsty."
MEASURED BY HIS FOLLIES.
I AM only a fool, said Sancho, because I cannot be
two fools; but if I could be as many times a fool as I
have committed follies, I should be innumerable fools
rolled into one. "".
A MISS AS GOOD AS A MILE.
It was towards the close of the battle (Inkerman),
and Lord Raglan was returning from taking leave of
General Strangeways, and was going up towards the
ridge. A sergeant approached, carrying canteens of
water for the wounded, and as Lord Raglan passed he
drew himself up to make the usual salute, when a
round shot came bounding over the hill, and knocked
his forage-cap off his head. The man calmly picked up
his
cap, dusted it on his knee, placed it carefully on his
head, and then made the military salute, and all without
moving a muscle of his countenance. Lord Raglan was
delighted with the man's coolness, and said to him, "A
neat thing, that, my man!" "Yes, my lord," replied
WIT AND HUMOR.
219
the sergeant with another salute, "but a miss is as good
as a mile."
A POINT OF HONOR.
AN ambassador of Charles V. to the Ottoman Porte
perceiving that no seat had been prepared for him in the
audience hall in which he was presented, took off his
cloak, and spreading it on the floor, sat down in the
fashion of the Turks, and declared the subject of his
embassy with the greatest freedom to the Emperor of
the Mussulmans, Soliman II. After the audience he
took leave of his highness, and went away without tak-
ing his mantle. Soliman, noticing this, and supposing
that he had forgotten it, reminded him that he had not
taken it. “The ambassadors of the emperor, my master,"
he replied, "are not in the habit of carrying away their
seats with them." Soliman, far from being offended,
expressed his highest esteem for the ambassador's cour-
age.
A TRIO.
Two brothers, the one a poet, the other a musician,
having spoken for some time in the presence of Boileau
in praise of each other's talents, he asked, "Which of
you is the poet?" "It is my brother who makes the
verses," replied the musician, "and it is I who sing
them." "Ah!" said Boileau, "and it is I who hiss
them."
SOMETIMES ONE AND SOMETIMES THE OTHER.
WHEN Nicholas Biddle, familiarly called Nick Bid-
dle, was connected with the United States Bank, there
was an old negro named Harry, who used to be loafing
about the premises. One day, in a merry mood, Biddle
220
JOKES AND JESTS,
friend?" 66
said to the darkey, "Well, what is your name, my old
Harry, sir-ole Harry," said the other,
touching his seedy hat. "Old Harry," said Biddle;
"why, that is the name they give the devil, is it not?”
"Yes, sir,” said the colored gentleman; "sometimes
ole Harry and sometimes ole Nick.”
NO WITCHCRAFT IN HIS CASE.
The
An officer of very moderate talent, jealous of the glory
of a captain who had performed some great deed, wrote
to M. de Louvis, that this captain was a sorcerer.
minister replied to him-"Sir, I have communicated to
the king the information you have given me as to the
captain's witchcraft; and his majesty desires me to reply
to you, that he does not know whether the captain is a
sorcerer, but he is certain you are not.”
A THEORY OF LIGHT.
A FOOLISH fellow, who thought himself witty because
fellows more foolish than himself sometimes told him
that he was so, meeting a blind man, suddenly stopped
him, and cried—"My good man! can you tell me what
is light?" The blind man, who was really a wit, replied,
"I think it is something which enables persons, when
they see a fool, to avoid him."
A BUNDLE OF CONTRADICTIONS.
MANY proverbs admit of contradiction, as witness the
following:-"The more the merrier." Not so-one
hand is enough in a purse. "Nothing but what has an
end." Not so—a ring has none, for it is round. “
"Money
is a great comfort." Not when it brings a thief to the
WIT AND HUMOR.
221
gallows. "The world is a long journey." Not so the
sun goes over it in a day. "It is a great way to the
bottom of the sea." Not so it is but a stone's cast.
"A friend is best found in adversity." Not so-for
then there is none to be found. "The pride of the rich
makes the labor of the poor." Not so the labor of the
poor makes the pride of the rich.
THE OTHER SIDE OF THE QUESTION.
FRANCIS I. having resolved to march at the head of
his troops in the unfortunate campaign of 1525, in which
he was taken prisoner at Pavia, his generals discussed with
him as to which would be the best point by which to
enter Italy. It was taken for granted that there were
several good passages, and it only remained to choose
the best. Triboulet, the king's fool, however, at length
put an end to the discussion by saying, "You seem to
suppose, gentlemen, that you have delivered very orac-
ular opinions, and yet no one of you has noticed the
most important point.-" And what is that?"" You
have all agreed as to the best means of getting into Italy,
but not one of you has said a word as to the means of
getting out again."
A NAME TO SELL BY.
ONE freezing February morning a negro, hawking
mutton pies in a basket about New York, roared out,
"Hot mutton pies! Hot mutton pies!" A teamster
bought and tried to bite one, but found it frozen as solid
as the curb-stone. "What do you call them hot for, you
swindler?" yelled the teamster to the shivering pieman.
222
JOKES AND JESTS,
3
"Wy, bless you, dat's
If I didn't holler de
"Wy, wy, dey was hot wen I got 'em dis mornin'!"
"But why call them hot now?"
de name ob 'em-de name ob 'em!
right name nobody would tetch 'em.
holler froze pies, I suppose! No, sa;
dat way!"
A PLEASANT PROSPECT.
You want me to
you can't fool me
A MAN having been served with a writ went to Arle-
quin, the lawyer, and asked him to defend the action for
him. "Certainly," said Arlequin, and calling his clerk.
on the instant, he told him to bring a large sack. When
the sack was brought the lawyer told his client to deposit
the writ in it." What," said the client, "put this small
slip of paper into that large sack?""Never mind its
size,” replied Arlequin, "I know what I am about; before
your suit is decided the sack will be too small to hold
all your papers."
THE FIRST MAN IN THE UNIVERSE.
THREE French scholars of repute happening to meet
one day in the king's library in Paris, one of them said--
“We three could hold our ground against all the scholars
in the kingdom."-"Say rather," interposed the second,
against all the scholars in the universe."-" And I,"
observed the third," "could hold my ground against you
two."
66
WHICH ROMANCE.
DANIEL WEBSTER was once engaged in a case in one
of the Virginia courts, and the opposing counsel was
William Wirt, author of the "Life of Patrick Henry,"
which has been criticized as a brilliant romance. In
WIT AND HUMOR.
223
the progress of the case Mr. Webster produced a highly
respectable witness, whose testimony (unless disproved
or impeached) settled the case, and annihilated Mr.
Wirt's client. After getting through the testimony, he
informed Mr. Wirt, with a significant expression, that
he was through with the witness, and he was at his
service. Mr. Wirt rose to commence the cross-examina-
tion, and seemed for a moment quite perplexed how to
proceed, but quickly assumed a manner expressive of his
incredulity as to the facts elicited, and, coolly eyeing the
witness a moment, he said: "Mr. K
allow me to
ask whether you have ever read a work called Baron
Munchausen?" Before the witness had time to reply,
Mr. Webster quickly rose and said: "I beg your pardon,
Mr. Wirt, for the interruption, but there was one ques-
tion I forgot to ask the witness, and if you will allow
me that favor I promise not to interrupt again." Mr.
Wirt, in the blandest manner, replied, "Yes, most cer-
tainly;" when Mr. Webster, in the most deliberate and
solemn manner, said: "Sir, have you ever read Wirt's Life
of Patrick Henry?" The effect was so irresistible, that
even the judge could not control his features; and Mr.
Wirt himself joined in the momentary laugh, and turn-
ing to Mr. Webster said, "Suppose we submit this case
to the jury, without summing up;" which was assented
to, and Mr. Webster's client won the case.
CONFIDENTIAL SECRETARIES.
A PRINCESS having asked Clement XIV. whether he
were not sometimes afraid lest his secretaries might be
indiscreet, he replied, "No, madam; and yet I have
224
JOKES AND JESTS,
three," pointing to the three fingers with which he held
his
pen.
THE GAME OF BRAG.
AN Englishman seeing some huge watermelons on a
fruit stand in New York, and pointing at them with a
look of disappointment, said to the woman who kept the
stand: "What! don't you raise bigger apples than these
in America?" The woman looked at him for a moment,
and then retorted: "Apples! any body might know you
was an Englishman. Them's huckleberries."
ASKING QUESTIONS.
1,"
A WAGER was laid on the Yankee peculiarity of
answering one question by asking another. To decide
the bet a Down-Easter was interrogated. "I want you,
said the better, "to give me a straightforward answer tọ
a plain question." "I kin du it, mister," said the
Yankee. "Then why is it New Englanders always answer
a question by asking one in return?"
“Du they?” was
Jonathan's reply.
LOSING THE USE OF HIS EARS.
A MAN who had enjoyed only a brief notoriety, was
reported to be growing deaf, upon which a lady of his
acquaintance observed "It is very possible; but I
believe that he has only become deaf since he has
ceased to be talked about.'
وو
WAS HIS FORTUNE MADE?
Ar the siege of La Goulette, Charles V., pretending
to come from the enemy's side, approached a sentinel,
who cried, as is usual, "Qui Vive?" The emperor,
disguising his voice, replied "Be silent! and your for
WIT AND HUMOR.
225-
tune is made!" The sentinel, supposing that he had to
do with one of the enemy, fired, but his piece fortunately
missed fire. Charles at once made himself known.
NOT INCORRUPTIBLE.
Ar at election dinner, a voter was boasting that he
had never received a bribe. "Oh, Mr. Smith, how can
you say so," observed another, "When I know Mr.
W
sent you a hare?" "Ay, that's true enough;
but it was full of maggots." "Well, then," was the
rejoinder, "if it were not bribery, it was corruption."
THE FORCE OF A NEGATIVE.
“MASSA,” said a negro, who was rubbing down a
visitor's nag, "dat horse came very near being mine."
"How so, Sambo?" "De hoss come near being mine
in dis wise. I axed de owner to gib him to me. He
said 'No.' If he had only said Yes,' he would be
mine."
6
PUBLIC SPIRIT.
Ir having been proposed to a fellow of a certain col-
lege, that he should do something for his successors——
"My successors," he exclaimed; "they have never done
anything for me: why then should I do anything for
them?"
PRINCELY ADVICE.
PHILIP, Duke of Burgundy, was in the habit of fre-
quenting the common wine shops for the purpose of
finding out the disposition of the people towards him.
In the course of one of these expeditions he heard a man
condemn him with great severity. On the Duke dis-
15
226
JOKES AND JESTS,
covering himself, his censor was in a great fright, and
gave himself up for lost; but the Duke only said,
"Never speak about princes: for if you speak well of
them you will probably say what is not the truth; and
if you speak ill of them you will expose yourself to their
resentment."
TRAGIC IN SPITE OF HIMSELF.
"
A YOUNG man who believed that he possessed tal-
ents as an actor, applied one day to the manager of
Covent Garden Theater for an appointment. The latter
sent him to Kean, to whom he recited some verses in a
manner below mediocrity. "Do you play comedy?"
the celebrated actor asked him. "Yes, sir, I have played
the part of Abel in the Alchymist." "You are mis-
taken," replied Kean, with that bantering air with which
all who knew him were so well acquainted: "it must
have been Cain, for I am certain you murdered Abel.”
WHO SHOULD DISPUTE.
MELANCTHON, the most celebrated of Luther's disci-
ples, and his coadjutor in the Reformation, paying a
visit to his mother, found her much troubled by the
religious disputes which then agitated Germany, and
very uncertain as to what she ought to believe. She
recited her prayers to her son, in order that he might
tell her whether they were good ones. "Continue to
pray as you have hitherto done," said Melancthon, "and
you may safely leave the doctors to dispute."
PRAYING FOR HUSBANDS.
A VERY curious legend was told by the Rev. C. W.
WIT AND HUMOR.
227
Bingham to some of the members of the Archæological
Institute in Dorset, who were lately visiting the little
Norman chapel of St. Catherine, at Milton Abbey. The
legend was, that on a certain day of the year the young
women of Abbotsbury used to go up to St. Catherine's
Chapel, where they made use of the following prayer:—
"A husband, St. Catherine; a handsome one St. Cather-
inė; a rich one, St. Catherine; a nice one, St. Cather-
ine, and soon, St. Catherine." Mr. Beresford Hope,
who was one of the party, modestly proposed that all
gentlemen and married ladies should retire from the
chapel, so as to afford the young ladies present the
opportunity of invoking the saint after the same inter-
esting fashion.
THE RIGHT WORD.
BOILEAU, reading to Louis XIV. a passage in the
history of his life, which referred to an advance which
that prince had feigned to make into Flanders, and
asserted that he had suddenly retraced his steps and
turned back towards Germany, the king abruptly
interrupted the reader at the word turned-back, and all
the courtiers, even including Racine, who was present,
took their cue from the prince, and declared that it was
a most unsuitable expression. “Sire,” replied Boileau,
respectfully but firmly, "as there is only one expression
in the language which can express what I mean, I must
retain it."
STRONG ENOUGH FOR THE PLACE.
WHEN Sixtus V. had been elected to the papal chair
by a majority of votes, he passed on to the chapel, and
having there gone down on his knees on the step of the
228
JOKES AND JESTS,
altar, he was asked, as was customary, whether he
accepted the Pontificate. "I cannot accept again what
I have already accepted," he replied; "but I would will-
ingly accept as much again, for I feel myself strong
enough to govern not only the church, but the whole
world."
EPICUREAN INQUIRIES.
A DINER out one day rang the bell of a fashionable
residence where he sometimes visited, and when the
servant girl made her appearance, politely inquired,
"What are you going to have for dinner to-day?" The
girl, who was new to the place, thinking the man was
one of their tradesmen, and had made the inquiry in his
business capacity, innocently replied, "Mutton, sir."
"Mutton-with sauce?" "Yes, sir." "Ah, well! I
was passing by, and thought I would inquire. Good
morning." The servant was indignant when she came
to comprehend the man's motive, but he was too far up
the street to hear her angry denunciations.
TIME IN FAULT.
"WHY do you wear your hair so long?" asked a
student of his companion, whose locks fell over his
brow. “Because I haven't time to get it cut," was the
reply. "But why is your head so bald?" "My dear
fellow," said the other, "I haven't time to let it grow."
ASSOCIATION OF IDEAS.
A NOBLE lord asked a clergyman once at the bottom
of his table, "why the goose, if there was one, was always
placed next the parson?" "Really," said he, "I can
give no reason for it; but your question is so odd that I
WIT AND HUMOR.
229
shall never see a goose for the future without thinking
of your lordship."
;
A CELEBRATED PHYSICIAN.
ROWLAND HILL rode a great deal, and by exercise
preserved vigorous health. On one occasion, when asked
by a medical friend what physician and apothecary he
employed, to be always so well, he replied, "My physi-
cian has always been a horse, and my apothecary an ass!”
MISTAKES.
ONE day, an old gentleman entered a printseller's shop,
and gravely inquired for a portrait of " Admiral. Noah,"
as he had just set about illustrating Don Juan. Better
known are the mistakes of the Agricultural Society
ordering a copy of Miss Edgeworth's Essay on Irish
Bulls; and the law-bookseller, when asked for the Life
of Sir Julius Caesar, replying that he did not know
the work, but that he had several copies of Caesar's
Commentaries. The original memoirs of Cowper, the
poet, were printed from an ill-written manuscript. Of
this there is a whimsical proof, where the Persian Let-
ters of Montesquieu are spoken of, and the compositor,
unable to decipher the author's name, has converted it
into Mules Quince! The Electric Review was once
advertised as the Epileptic Review.
A LION AND SOMETHING MORE.
A PARTY-GIVER said to a young author, "Favor me
with your company on Wednesday evening, you are such
a lion."
"I thank you,” replied he; "but on that even-
ing I am engaged to eat fire at the Countess of C's,
and to stand upon my head at Mrs. ——'s."
S.
230
JOKES AND JESTS,
A FRIENDLY CORRESPONDENCE.
THE Registrar of Friendly Societies once received the
following letter from the secretary of an enrolled benefit
club: "Sir, I would be very much obliged to you if you
would send us word wat wee ad better doo: one of our
members as been sick and clamed the benefit of our
society, and wile he was on the box the stuard went to
visit him. He was feding pigs; the pigs was not his
oun, they belonged to his landlord, at a publick where he
lodged at. The stuard seed him carrying the wash across
the yard, which is contrary to our rules. We referd to
the rule 26 and 28, wich we caled a comity, and excluded
him by our laws in the usel maner, wich he as obtained
two sumanses for the stuards, wich they atend before the
magestrates, wich they asked him if he did it with intent
to arn money, wich he replied, no, sir. Then the mag-
estrates asked him how long he had been in the society,
and he sayed seven years; and they reconed it up wat he
had paid in the society, and wat he had received out,
and they said they must pay him the difference, which
was 6 pounds, wich the society thinks it a very ilegal
thing, and very unsatisfactory that the society can't go
by the rules. The magestrates would not heare but very
little wat we ad to say; they said we must ether pay him
four weeks' monny, and take him into the society again,
or give him the diferance, wich I hask you, sir, if the
society has to pay the diferance whether she can't stop
the doctor monny, wich is three shillings a yeare, and
the expence of the club-room, wich is threepence every
club night, wich the society would be very much obliged
if you send us word wat the society had better
to you
doo in it."
WIT AND HUMOR.
231
REASONABLY SUSPICIOUS.
A CERTAIN cardinal, who had been a long time bed-
ridden, hearing one day the sound of bells, asked his
chamberlain what fete was being celebrated? "It is the
beatification of such and such a saint," replied the cham-
berlain. "Ah!" exclaimed his eminence, who had passed
his youth in the society of those saints, "these new
saints make me very suspicious of the old ones."
WHAT'S THE USE OF IT.
DEAN SWIFT being about to ride on horseback, asked for
his boots. When they were brought to him, he said to
his servant, "Why are they are not cleaned?” "The
roads are so bad, that I thought there would be no use
in cleaning them, as they would soon be dirty again."
A few moments afterwards the same servant asked his
master for the key of the cupboard. "What for?" asked
Swift. "I want to get my breakfast." "Oh!" replied
the dean, "as you will soon be hungry again, there can
be no use in your eating now."
A SOFTER PLACE.
>
THE following story is redolent of the peculiar humor
which finds favor in America: "I was down to see the
widow yesterday," said Tim's uncle, "and she gave me
a dinner. I went down rather early in the morning.
We talked, and laughed, and chatted, and run on, she
going out and in occasionally, till dinner was ready,
when she helped me graciously to a piece of pie. Now,
I thought that, Tim, rather favorable. I took it as a
symptom of personal approbation, because everybody
knows I love pigeon pie, and I flattered myself she had
232
JOKES AND JESTS,
So,
cooked it on purpose for me. I grew particularly
cheerful, and thought I could see it in her too.
after dinner, while sitting close beside the widow, I
fancied we both felt kind of comfortable like. I know I
did. I fell over head and ears in love with her, and I
imagined, from the way she looked, she had fallen in
love with me. She appeared for all the world as if she
thought it was coming. Presently-I couldn't help it
--I laid my hand softly on her beautiful shoulder, and
I remarked, when I placed it there, in my blandest
tones, Tim—for I tried to throw my whole soul into
the expression- I remarked, then, with my eyes pouring
love, truth and fidelity right into hers: Widow, this is
the nicest, softest place I ever had my hand on in all
my life!'
Looking benevolently at me, and at the
same time flushing up a little, she said, in melting and
winning tones, Doctor, give me your hand, and I'll put
it on a much softer place.' In a moment, in rapture, I
consented, and taking my hand, she very gently, Tim,
and quietly laid it on my head. Now, Tim, I haven't
told this to a livin' soul but you, and, by jinks! you
mustn't. But I couldn't hold in any longer, so I tell
you, but, mind, it musn't go any further."
6
THE WAY OUT OF A DILEMMA.
WHEN Algernon Sidney was told that he might save
his life by telling a falsehood-by denying his hand-
writing-he said: "When God has brought me into a
dilemma in which I must assert a lie or lose my life, He
gives me a clear indication of my duty, which is to prefer
death to falsehood."
WIT AND HUMOR.
233
A ROYAL PURSE.
FRANCIS I. wishing to make his minister Duprat,who,
in addition to his title of Chancellor, possessed those of
abbe, archbishop, cardinal, and legate, disgorge some of
his wealth, announced to him one day the sudden death
of the Pope. "Sire," said Duprat, "nothing can be of
more importance to the welfare of your dominions than
the possession of the Papal chair by a person entirely
devoted to your majesty's interests."-" And why not
yourself?" answered the king. "But you know to satisfy
the cardinals, we should require large sums of money,
and at present I have scarcely any." Duprat imme-
diately had brought to the king two chests of gold.
"That will do,” said his majesty, "and I will add what
I can from my own treasury." When he learnt, soon
after, that the Pope was in excellent health, Duprat
demanded the return of his money, but Francis coolly
replied "I will scold my ambassador for having sent
me false information; but you may as well leave the
money with me, for if the Pope be not dead now, it is
very certain that he will die some day."
AN EYE FOR THE HOUNDS.
CHARLES FOX and his friend Mr. Hare, both much
incommoded by duns, were together in a house, when
seeing some shabby men about the door, they were
afraid they were bailiffs, in search of one of them. Not
knowing which was in danger, Fox opened the window,
and calling to them, said, "Pray, gentlemen, are you
fox-hunting, or hare-hunting?"
TRANSLATORS.
MADAME LAFAYETTE compared a bad translator to a
234
JOKES AND JESTS.
servant whom his mistress sent with a compliment.
The more delicate the compliment, the more certain he
is to fail to convey it properly.
AN IMPORTANT CONSIDERATION.
A DRAMATIC author, explaining the subject of his play,
said, "The scene is laid in Cappadocia. The spectators
must transport themselves to that country, and enter
into the spirit of the play."-Are you sure," said some-
body whom he thus addressed, "that the piece is worth
the expense of the journey?"
TO BE SMELT OUT.
AN Irishman in describing America, said: "I am told
that ye might roll England thru it, an' it wouldn't make
a dint in the ground; ther's fresh water oceans inside
that ye might dround Ould Ireland in; an' as for Scot-
land, ye might stick it in a corner, an' ye'd niver be
able to find it out, except it might be by the smell o'
whisky.'
SHOELESS V. FOOTLESS.
THE best consolation for misfortunes is the sight of
a person more unfortunate than oneself. A poor dervish,
who could not afford shoes, having made a pilgrimage
to Mecca, cursing his lot and accusing heaven of cruelty,
saw, at the door of the Grand Mosque, a poor fellow
without any feet. The sight of a man more unfortunate
than himself consoled him, and taught him that to be
without shoes is not the greatest evil which a man may
suffer.
THE NORTH POLE.
GEORGE COLMAN, the younger, was dining at Lord
Mulgrave's, when, just before joining the ladies, he was
WIT AND HUMOR.
235
loitering about the picture of Lord Mulgrave's brother
blocked up in the ice, in the Arctic expedition in which
Nelson sailed as middy. Lord Mulgrave, holding the
lamp, said, "What is that my brother has got hold of? Is
it a boat-hook?" "No, my lord," said Colman, in his
half-throttled, witty voice, "It's the North Pole!"
THE HUSBAND HAS THE BEST OF IT.
SAINT EVREMOND said, "One of my friends is married
to a young and beautiful woman whom he loves, but
who does not return his affection. When I expressed
my sorrow for this, his misfortune, he replied, 'At any
rate, I am not so unfortunate as she is; for whilst I
have continually before my eyes a woman whom I adore,
she has the misery of continually seeing a man whom
she hates.'
ووو
NOT INFECTIOUS.
was
OLD Lady Rosslyn was at home. Mrs.
announced. When the women were bundling off, "Sit
still, sit still," said old Lady R., "it's na' catching."
TURNING HIS BOOKS TO ACCOUNT.
THE poet Saint Ange being one day with the financier
Turgot, in his library, was surprised at the ex-Minister's
erudition, and said to him, "No one can say of
of you that
you have had the management of your books, as you
have had the management of the revenues, without mak-
ing any profit out of them.”
CHANGING THE WORD.
LORD LOWTH wrote an excuse to a dinner invitation
upon the plea of his having had a fit of the gout. His
friend inquired the next day after his gout. "Gout!"
236
JOKES AND JESTS,
replied his lordship, "I have no gout." "Why, what do
you mean?" said his friend, "you yourself made that the
excuse for not dining with me." "Oh, now I under-
stand," was Lord Lowth's comment; "but show me the
man that can spell rheumatism."
A FAIR CONCLUSION.
THE grammarian Callimachus, judged of the merits
or demerits of a book by its size, on the simple ground
that the larger a book was, the more follies it must
contain.
GREAT IN MONOLOGUE:
COLERIDGE and Madame de Stael met-such furious
talkers; Coleridge would talk. The next day she was
asked how she liked Coleridge. "For a monologue,"
said she, “excellent; but as to dialogue-good heavens!"
She would have been better pleased if Coleridge had said
this of her. From that evening never were two people
so likely to hate each other.
AN ORIGINAL ADVERTISEMENT.
ROBERT NANTEUIL, born at Rheims, was a painter and
engraver. When he first arrived in Paris, he devised
the following means of making himself known: He went
to the restaurant at which the students of the college of
Sorbonne usually dined, and pretended to seek for the
original of a portrait which he showed them. Although
the pretended original could not be found, the portrait
was not the less admired, and when Nanteuil proposed
to the young ecclesiastics that they should have their
own likeness taken in the same agreeable style at a mod-
erate price, many acceded to the proposition. When the
WIT AND HUMOR.
237
portraits were finished, the gratified vanity of the young
abbes induced them to praise the artist, and he soon
had numerous customers.
•
EASY TO SOME ARTISTS.
A YOUNG man who was not endowed with too much
sense, wished to have his portrait taken to present to
the lady of his affections; but as he thought that if her
parents saw it they might forbid him their house, he
said to the artist, "I want my portrait taken, but in
such a manner that no one will be able to recognize it.”
NOT ALWAYS THE CASE.
MARSHAL SAXE once said to a comrade, "Ah, now
that peace is concluded, we shall be as disregarded as
cloaks, which are only thought of when it rains." In
modern times military men can make no such com-
plaints, for they get their full share of emoluments and
honors.
A DANGEROUS. MEMORY.
MENAGE said that he never read Mareri's dictionary,
because, having a very good memory, he was afraid of
recollecting all its faults.
A BENEFIT.
MOORE, in his "Life of Sheridan," has omitted his
treatment of Storace's widow-the widow of one who
had sacrificed his life to Sheridan's interests. Sheridan
gave the theater for a benefit. The house was crowded,
of course. Sheridan went to the door-keeper, and man-
ager, and friend, and swept off all the receipts, and the
widow never got a shilling. This was told to Haydon
238
JOKES AND JESTS,
by Prince Hoare, one of Stephen Storace's intimate
friends.
ADVICE NOT NEEDED.
A GRAND jury in America ignored a bill against a
negro charged with stealing chickens; but before dis-
charging him from custody, the judge called up the
accused and said to him:-"You may go now, John, but
let me warn you never to appear here again." John
replied with a broad grin, "I wouldn't be here dis time
Judge, only de constable fetch me.”
REASONS FOR NOT WRITING.
THE celebrated David Hume had an income of about
a thousand a year, partly arising from a pension, and
partly from the profits of his writings. When, as
was frequently the case, he was importuned to con-
tinue his history of England down to his own times, he
was fond of replying-"Gentlemen, you do me too much
honor, but I have four reasons for writing no more—I
am too old, too fat, too idle, and too rich."
A THIN DISGUISE.
ANTISTHENES affected to despise external things with
an ostentation which Socrates esteemed at its true value;
and which led him to say one day, when he saw his old
disciple wearing a mantle full of rents "Antisthenes!
I see your pride through the holes in your coat."
AN ATTIC MEETING PLACE.
THE poet Sybus being reproached with living close to
the tiles, said, "As I have communion with the celes.
tials, it is only right that I should meet them half way."
WIT AND HUMOR.
239
SURE TO REACH HIM.
6
A BALTIMORE Correspondent of a New York paper
says "The following actually occurred in the 'general
delivery' of our postoffice. A genuine Irishman ap-
proached the window, and handing the clerk in attend-
ance a letter, remarked in the richest brogue- Plase,
sir, and will you send this lethur to brother Tim, who
lives two miles beyant the Relay House?' The clerk,
taking the letter, replied that he would send it to the
postoffice at that place. Sure, sir, how will brother
Tim get the lethur if you send it there? Don't I tell
you that he lives two miles beyant the Relay House!'
The clerk smilingly answered that as there was no post-
office nearer to him than the Relay House, he would be
compelled to send it there. The Irishman still appeared
to be bothered, and dissatisfied; but after scratching his
noddle for awhile, a bright idea seemed to strike him,
and approaching the window again with a beaming
countenance, he said I have it now, sir! Write on the
back of it, Brother Tim will plase call at the Relay
House and get this lethur!"
UNCONSCIOUS LOVE-MAKING.
A YOUNG Parisian, traveling in Germany, took the
road from Strasburg to Berlin. In the carriage he
selected were four other persons, two mammas and two
daughters. The two mothers were face to face in one
corner. The young man took the opposite, and found
himself face to face with the young ladies. The Paris-
ian put on a distracted and absent air. The collector
came to demand the tickets.
attention at all when the
The young man paid no
request was many times
240
JOKES AND JESTS,´
repeated. Roused at last from his reverie in presence of
the ladies, he had recourse to a ruse, to avoid exciting
ridicule. "What are you saying?" said he, "why do
you not speak French?" The collector then explained,
by signs, the ticket was examined, and the young man
returned to his reverie; but not to enjoy it long, for
this time the young ladies aroused him. They began
in full voice:
"This young man is a very handsome one," said one.
"Hist, Bertha!" said the other, in a sort of affright.
Why, he doesn't know a word of German," said
Bertha.
C6
him?"
"We can talk freely. What do you think of
"Only ordinary," was the reply.
"You are difficult to please. He has a charming
figure and genteel air.”
"He is too pale, and besides you know I do not like
dark men."
"And you know I prefer dark to fair. We have
nothing but fair faces in Germany. It is monotonous
and common-place.
""
"You forget that you are blonde."
"Oh, for women it is different. He has nice mus-
taches.'
وو
"Bertha, if your mother should hear you!"
"She is busy with her talk to your mother, besides, it
is no harm to speak of moustaches."
"I prefer the light moustaches of Albert."
"I understand that Albert is espoused to you; but I,
who am without a lover, am free to exercise my opinions,
WIT AND HUMOR.
241
.:
and as free to say that this young man has beautiful
eyes."
"They have no expression," returned the other.
"You do not know. I am sure he has much spirit,
and it is a pity he does not speak German; he would
chat with us."
"Would you marry a Frenchman?”
“Why not, if he looks like this one, and was spirited,
well-born and amiable? But I can hardly keep from
laughing. See, he doesn't mistrust what we are saying."
The young traveler was endowed with a great power
of self-control, and he had preserved his absent and
inattentive air all the time; and while the dialogue con-
tinued he thought what curious results his attempt to
avert a laugh by pretending not to know German had
brought about. He looked carefully at Bertha, and his
resolution was taken. At the next station the collector
came again for the tickets, when the young man, with
extra elaboration, and in excellent German, said, "Ah,
you want my ticket; very well-let me see; I believe it
is in my porte-monnaie. Oh yes, here it is."
The effect was startling. Bertha nearly fainted away,
but soon recovered under the polite apologies of the
young Frenchman. They were pleased with each other,
and in a few weeks Bertha ratified her good opinion
of the young man, and gave a practical proof of her
willingness to wed a Frenchman.
NOT AS WE SEEM TO BE.
HOOD said he was forced to make broad grins under
narrow circumstances, and to be a lively Hood when he
was dull, in order that he might obtain a livelihood.
16
242
JOKES AND JESTS,
A REASON FOR HURRYING.
On the first day of the year on which the Duke de
Choiseul died, that nobleman hastened to the king's
presence before Marshal Richelieu, although the latter
had been first announced. When the marshal heard
shortly afterwards of the duke's death, he said, "I am
no longer astonished at M. de Choiseul's eagerness in
preceding me, for I see that he had a long journey to
make."
FROM WHICH END?
ONE day, while the American war was going on, and
Secretary Chase was issuing the paper money, known as
"greenbacks," in large quantities, he found upon a
desk in his office a drawing of an ingenious invention
for turning gold eagles into "greenbacks," with a por-
trait of himself slowly feeding it with "yeller boys" at
one end, while the government currency came out at
the other end, flying about like the leaves of autumn.
While he was examining the drawing President Lincoln
came in, and, recognizing the likeness of the secretary,
exclaimed, "Capital joke, isn't it, Mr. Chase?"
joke," said the irate financier, "I'd give a thousand dol-
lars to know who left it here." "Would
"Would you, indeed?”
said the president, "and which end would you pay
from?" The answer is not "recorded."
HOW OUR EYES ARE OPENED.
"A
An author, whose first dramatic piece had succeeded,
brought out a second, which was hissed. "Ah!" he
cried, in his wrath, "I see that the public is only made
of persons who are utterly ignorant and without
up
WIT AND HUMOR.
243
taste." "You are quite right," said a friend; "but
how is it that you did not find that out before? I dis-
covered it when you produced your first piece."
NO PASSING THAT WAY.
A GENTLEMAN called upon President Lincoln before the
fall of Richmond (the capital of the Confederate States)
and solicited a pass for the place. "I should be very
happy to oblige you," said the President, "if my passes
were respected; but the fact is, I have, within the past
two years, given passes to two hundred and fifty thou-
sand men to go to Richmond, and not one has got there
yet.'
وو
WINNERS CAN AFFORD TO BE GENEROUS.
Ir is said that George I., being on one occasion at
a masked ball, entered into conversation with a lady,
also masked, who after a time, proposed that they should
have some refreshment together. To this the king con-
sented. When they had each received a glass of wine
from the attendants, the lady said, "To the health of
the Pretender!" "With all my heart," replied the
monarch; "I am always willing to drink to the health
of unfortunate princes.
THE WHOLE MORE THAN THE HALF.
Ar a negro celebration, an Irishman stood listening
to Fred Douglas, who was expatiating on government
and freedom, and as the orator waxed warm, in speaking
of political rights, the Irishman said, "Be dad, he
spakes well for a nager." "Don't you know," said
one, "that he isn't a negro? he is only a half negro?"
"Only a half nager, is he? Well, if half a nager can
244
JOKES AND JESTS.
talk in that style, I'm thinking a whole nager might
beat the prophet Jeremiah."
AN OLD FABLE MADE HISTORICAL.
Rene, King of Sicily, and Count of Provence, having
died in 1474, the latter possession was claimed by
Charles du Maine, his nephew, and Rene, Duke of
Lorraine. Louis XI., wishing to make the competitors
understand how idle their claims were, being at dinner
with them, threw a shoulder of mutton to two dogs
who at once began to fight for its possession. Soon
afterwards a dog much larger than either of them was,
by the king's orders, let loose, and, driving away the
others, it seized the joint. The king then said to
those for whom the lesson was intended, "It will be so
with your pretensions, gentlemen; a more powerful
than you will interfere, and seize what you covet."
FOR HIS OWN MAN.
AMONG the jokes to which the American civil war
gave rise, one of the best is the following: "Hurrah for
Abe Lincoln!" shouted a little patriot on Cedar street,
the other day. "Hurrah for the devil!" rejoined an
indignant Southern sympathizer. "All right," said the
juvenile, "you hurrah for your man, and I'll hurrah for
mine."
AN ILLUSTRATION OF THE VOLUNTARY PRINCIPLE.
MR. DICKSON, a colored barber in a large New England
town, was shaving one of his customers, a respectable
citizen, one morning, when a conversation occurred
between them respecting Mr. Dickson's former connec-
tion with a colored church in that place. "I believe
WIT AND HUMOR.
245
you are connected with the church in Elm street, are
you not, Mr. Dickson?" said the customer. "No, sah,
not at all." "Why did you leave your connection, Mr.
Dickson, if I may be permitted to ask?" "Well, I'll
tell you, sah," said Mr. Dickson; "it was just like dis:
I jined the church in good fait; I gave ten dollars
towards de stated gospel de fus' year, and de church
people called me Brudder Dickson; the second year my
business was not so good, and I gib only five dollars.
Dat year people call me Mr. Dickson. Dis razor hurt
you, sah?" "No, the razor goes tolerably well." "Well,
sah, the third year I fell berry poor; had sickness in my
family, and didn't gib nothin' for preachin'. Well, sah,
arter dat dey call me dat ole nigger Dickson,' and I
left 'em."
UP TO THE MARK.
Ar the commencement of the Revolutionary war, a
French soldier said to his sergeant (the brave Rousselot)
"Sergeant, my thigh is broken."-"Can you still hold
yourself up?" coolly. replied the sergeant.-"Yes."-
“Well, then, load your piece."
(6 MAN WANTS BUT LITTLE.'
GELIMER, King of the Vandals, having been vanquished
in a great battle by Belisarius, was forced to fly into the
mountains, where he was surrounded. Overwhelmed
with misery, he sent to beg of his conqueror a piece of
bread to prevent him from dying of hunger, a sponge to
wipe away his tears with, and a musical instrument to
console him.
THE BRUTES IN THE RIGHT.
THE Duke de Vendome once said, "During the move-
246
JOKES AND JESTS,
ments of troops I have often had occasion to witness
disputes between muleteers and their mules, and to the
shame of humanity the mules were almost always in the
right."
APPEALING TO HIS PRIDE.
A DISCONTENTED Soldier once pointed out to Bonaparte
that his coat was quite worn out, its rags scarcely cover-
ing him, and sulkily asked for a new one.
66 A new
coat!" exclaimed Napoleon, "surely you would not put
on a new coat, for then no one could see your wounds."
AN ACUTE OBSERVER.
AUNT E. was trying to persuade little Eddy to retire
at sundown. "You see, my dear, how the little chickens
go to roost at that time.” "Yes, aunty,” replied Eddy,
"but the old hen always goes with them." Aunty tried
no more arguments with him.
A SOLDIER'S WELCOME.
N the evening before the last unsuccessful attempt
to storm the defenses of Fort Hudson, some of the
skirmishers were endeavoring, under cover of darkness,
to draw closer to the rebel works. A rebel sentinel dis-
covered them, and hallooed out; "How are you, Yank?”
One of the men replied; "Yes, we're bound to come."
"All right,” replied the rebel, "we have got room
enough to bury you."
TAXING LUXURIES.
"You bachelors ought to be taxed,” said a lady to a
resolute evader of the matrimonial noose.
"I agree
with you perfectly, madam," was the reply, "for bachelor-
ism is a luxury."
WIT AND HUMOR.
247
A NEW MAN.
A MAN who had but recently made his fortune, called
on a coach-builder to order a carriage, which he directed
should be of the newest fashion. "What lining will
you have?" said the coach-builder.
"Anything that is
quite new." "What color shall the panels be?" "Any-
thing that is quite new." "The wheels?" "Anything
that is quite new."
"What armorial bearings?" "Any-
thing that is quite new."
BE WHAT YOU SEEM TO BE.
ALEXANDER the Great having heard that one of his
soldiers had assumed his name, sent for him and said to
him, "You wish to bear my name? Well, I have no
objection; but remember to be Alexander on the battle-
field."
BETTING AGAINST THE FOUR WINDS.
In the course of a war which lasted only a few years,
a gentleman offered to bet a crown against the truth of
any news in public circulation in reference to the war,
at the close of which he was able to purchase a very fine
estate with the sums he had won.
GETTING OUT OF REACH.
DESCARTES, who was of a most amiable disposition,
said, "When any one gives me offense, I try to
elevate my thoughts so that the offense cannot reach
me."
DRAFTING FROM THE WAR.
THE enrolling officer of a district in Maryland, who
was very active and thorough in the performance of his
248
JOKES AND JESTS,
66
duty, went to the house of a countryman, and made
inquiry of an old woman about the number and age of
the "males" of the family. After several had been
named, the officer inquired, "Is there no one else?"
None," replied the old woman, "except Billy Bray."
"Billy Bray! where is he?" "He was at the barn a
moment ago," said the old lady.
but he could not find Billy.
tioned the old woman as to the
away, after enrolling his name.
came, and among those on whom the lot fell was Billy
Bray. No one knew him. Where did he live? The
officer was called on to produce him, and then discov-
ered, to his disgust, that Billy Bray was a jackass.
S
Out went the officer,
Coming back, he ques-
age of Billy, and went
The time of drafting
WHY THEY WERE IN THE REAR.
M. DE B, flying with his troops which were pur-
sued by the enemy, asked one of his officers how the
rear guard was formed. "Of the worst mounted, Gen-
eral," replied the officer.
A GREAT MOCKER.
BOSSUET, who, in addition to his bishopric of Meaux,
possessed many rich abbeys, was speaking one day in
the presence of Louis XIV. of the disinterestedness of
ecclesiastics, saying, "They make no account of benefices
or riches, and even make a mock of them." The king
interrupted him by exclaiming, "Then you make a
mock of a great number."
TRUTH FOR TRUTH.
AN English nobleman was one day on a visit to a
French Count, when a little dog belonging to the latter
WIT AND HUMOR.
249
bit the Englishman in the leg. "Do not be afraid,"
said the count, "My dog never bites." The English
nobleman, who had just laid the animal senseless on the
floor with his walking-stick, replied, "Do not be afraid,
I never beat little dogs."
A TRUE PROPHET.
WHILE a regiment was marching over a dusty road,
in changing position on the field, a soldier noticed a
cake of soap at a little distance, and sprang forward to
get it, saying, "I shall need it after the fight." The
shells of the enemy were falling thickly, and just as the
soldier seized the soap, one dropped close behind him
and exploded, tearing open the earth and nearly bury-
ing the poor fellow. Every one supposed he was blown
to pieces, but he struggled out, begrimed with dirt from
head to foot, but holding on to the soap, and exclaim-
ing, "There, I told you I should need it!"
TAKING IN A LANDLORD.
A TRAVELER who carried with him a large trunk,
stopped at an hotel, and lived luxuriously for several
days. At length he disappeared, and the landlord
examined his trunk, which was found to be very heavy.
This was thought satisfactory; but, as the traveler did
not return at the end of a week, the landlord burst open.
the trunk, and found it empty, but nailed to the floor.
AVARICE OVERREACHED.
MICHAEL ANGELO having painted a picture for
Andre Dori, a man who was passionately fond of pic-
tures, but very avaricious, resolved to amuse himself at
his expense, and with this object, when he sent home
250
JOKES AND JESTS,
Į
his work, accompanied it with a note in which he stated
its price to be 70 ducats. Dori considering this price
to be exorbitant, sent only 40, whereupon the artist
sent back the money, and demanded a hundred ducats
or the return of his picture. Dori, who was delighted
with the painting, at length resolved to give the sum at
first demanded; but was soon told by the artist that a
great nobleman having offered him 140 he could not
think of letting it go for less. Dori was now in des-
pair, but as his taste for exquisite paintings was at least
as strong as his avarice, he at length yielded to this
last demand, with many self-accusations for not having
paid what was first asked.
A REASON FOR NOT DYING.
A YOUNG Indian woman being about to burn herself
alive, in obedience to custom, on the death of her hus-
band, whom she strongly disliked, a brahmin said to her,
"If you do so you will rejoin the husband whom
you
have lost." "What!" she exclaimed, "rejoin my hus-
band! Then I certainly will not burn myself."
A TALL JOKE.
THE wit deservedly won his bet who, in company
where every one was bragging of tall relations, wagered
that he himself had a brother twelve feet high. He had,
he said, “two half-brothers, each measuring six feet.”
THE FORCE OF HABIT.
THE famous Bontems, first valet de chambre of Louis
XIV., was so accustomed to say to those who begged
him to use his influence at court on their behalf, " I
will speak about it to the king!" that, on the Abbe de
WIT AND HUMOR.
251
Choisy having asked him one day what o'clock it was,
he replied" I will speak about it to the king."
APOSTLES ASHAMED.
RAPHAEL was too true an artist to be offended at
honest criticism, but he always resented that which was
unjust. Two cardinals unreasonably blaming him one
day for having put too much red into the portraits of
St. Peter and St. Paul in a certain picture, he replied-
"Gentlemen, I have painted them as they now appear in
heaven. That red burning complexion is caused by the
shame which they feel at the bad manner in which the
church is at present governed."
THE POWER OF THE PURSE.
A CANON of Antwerp having invited a large company
to dine with him on a fast day, his servant, whom he had
sent to the market, returned and told him that there was
no fish there but a single salmon, which had been
ordered by a counsellor. "Take my purse with you to
the market," said the canon, "it contains enough to
purchase the salmon and the counsellor as well.”
ONE BOTTLE MORE.
WHEN Louis XV. went out hunting, it was custom-
ary for his attendants to carry forty bottles of wine for
his use, of which he very seldom touched a drop. One
day, happening to be thirsty whilst hunting, he asked
for a glass of wine. "Sire, there is no more."
66 No
more? I thought they always brought forty bottles!"
Yes, sire, but they have been drunk.” "Ah! well, in
future let them bring forty-one. so that there may be
one for me."
C
252
JOKES AND JESTS,
A CONSIDERATE LOSER.
A WESLEYAN preacher in America was robbed of his
overcoat by a thief, to whom he addressed, through an
advertisement, the following:-"If the person who stole
my overcoat from my hall on Sabbath evening, will
read the Methodist Discipline,' which was in one of
its pockets, he will learn something to his advantage."
A NEW PLEASURE.
WHEN the Emperor Joseph was traveling in Italy,
the tire of one of the wheels of his carriage broke on the
road. Having reached with much difficulty the next
village, he alighted at the blacksmith's door, and
directed him to repair immediately the damage which
prevented him from continuing his journey. "I would
willingly do it," replied the artizan, "but it is a fete
day, everyone is at mass, and I have no one even to
blow the bellows." "Do not let that hinder you," said
the emperor, "for I will blow them myself; and the
exercise will warm me." The monarch accordingly
worked at the bellows, the blacksmith forged, and the
fracture was soon repaired.
-
pay?"
"How much is there to
"Six sous." Joseph placed six ducats in the
man's hand and went away, but the honest workman
ran after him and said, "Sir, you have made a mistake,
and given me a six-ducat piece, and I couldn't get
change for it in all the village." "Change it where
you please. I give you what is over the six sous for
the pleasure I have had in blowing the bellows."
CHOOSING HIS PLACE IN THE CHURCH.
It is said that on one occasion, when a deputation of
clergymen presented an address to President Lincoln
WIT AND HUMOR.
253
(who was a very tall man) in which he was styled “a
pillar of the church," he quaintly remarked that "they
would have done much better to call him a steeple.'
A STOMACH FOR WAR.
وو
WHEN the English were besieging Cadiz in 1702, their
general encouraged them by an address which was short
and singular. "Englishmen," he said, "it will be the
height of disgrace for you who feed every day on good
beef and soup, if you allow yourselves to be vanquished
by those miserable Spaniards, who subsist only on
oranges and lemons." This exhortation, although not
of a very elevated character, being delivered with frank
energy, produced an extraordinary effect on those to
whom it was addressed.
:
A BAD BUSINESS.
THE differences which Louis XII. had with the Pope
Julius II. long set that Prince against the Court of
Rome. Louis having been informed that Julius intended
to excommunicate him, said," Is cursing his business,
then? probably remembering the saying of the priestess
of the temple of Agraulia, who, when pressed to curse
Alcibiades, replied "I am a priestess to bless, and not
to curse."
A STATUESQUE MAN.
CATO being asked why no statues had been erected to
him at a time when Rome was full of them, said, “I
would rather be asked why statues have not been
erected to me than why they have been."
FAR-SEEING.
SIR JOHN BOWRING gives the following story as a
specimen of writing popular among the Chinese:-There
3
254
JOKES AND JESTS,
were two short-sighted men (Ching and Chang), who
were always quarrelling as to which of them could see
best; and, as they heard there was to be a tablet erected
at the gate of a neighboring temple, they determined
they would visit it together on a given day and put the
visual powers of each to the test. But, each desiring to
take advantage of the other, Ching went immediately to
the temple, and, looking quite close to the tablet, saw an
inscription with the words, "To the great man of the past
and the future." Chang also went, prying yet closer;
and, in addition to the inscription, "To the great man
of the past and the future," read in smaller characters,
"This tablet was raised by the family of Ling, in
honor of the great man." On the day appointed, stand-
ing at a distance from which neither could read, Ching
exclaimed-" The inscription is, To the great man of
the past and the future." "True," said Chang, “but
you have left out a part of the inscription which I can
read but you cannot, and which is written in small
characters: Erected by the family of Ling in honor of
the great man.' "There is no such inscription," said
Ching. "There is," said Chang. So they waxed wroth,
and after abusing one another, agreed to refer the matter
to the high priest of the temple. He heard their story,
and quietly said, "Gentlemen, there is no tablet to read;
it was taken into the interior of the temple yesterday."
AN EQUABLE TEMPER.
THE Abbe Terrasson, passing along the streets one day,
clothed in a queer, negligent manner, some rude children
of the lower classes ran after him with jeers. One of
the abbe's friends, passing at the time, endeavored to
WIT AND HUMOR.
255
make them desist, but Terrasson stopped him, saying,
"Oh, my friend, let them go on; it amuses them, and
it does not hurt me."
A SOLUTION.
SAID Emma, "Tell me, if you can,
In what a woman beats a man?
And wherein differs from myself
The clock that ticks upon the shelf?”
Said Frederick, who had long been suing,
"Woman wins love without e'er wooing!
The clock reminds me of sweet hours that flee,
Thou mak❜st me to forget all things save thee!"
A "SAW" FOR THE OCCASION.
A COLLECTOR of "old saws" was in the habit of jotting
down any new thing he heard, on the back of cards, let-
ters, etc., and trusting them into his pocket. On one
occasion he had an altercation with a stranger at a
friend's house, which ended in the collector excitedly
handing the other (as he thought) his card. On the
next morning the gentleman's thoughts turned on the
necessity of vindicating his honor, and it occurred to
him to learn the name of his antagonist. On looking at
the card he found no name, but, in place of it, traced in
good legible characters, "Nothing should be done in a
hurry but catching fleas." The effect of this was irre-
sistible, and the result an immediate reconciliation.
CURIOUS TO THE LAST.
A CRIMINAL who was about to be hung on a scaffold
on which a gentleman was first to be beheaded, asked
the priest who was confessing him to stand on one side,
as he had never seen any one beheaded.
256
JOKES AND JESTS,
AN ODD SHAVE.
FORMERLY Women never appeared upon the stage in
London, the females parts being played by men dis-
guised as females. Charles II. being impatient at the
theater one day for the commencement of the piece, the
manager excused the delay by saying, that the Queen
was being shaved.
WOMAN ALWAYS THE WORST.
BUXTORF says, in his Hebrew Lexicon, that the name
Eve is derived from a root signifying Talk; and it was,
perhaps, from this that the Rabbins derived their tradi-
tion, that twelve baskets of "chit-chat" were rained
down into Paradise, for Adam and Eve to amuse them-
selves with; of which twelve Adam picked up three,
and Eve the other nine.
SAINTLY.
MOLINARI, a Jesuit, had for corrective purposes, a
whip made of strong cord, with knots at regular inter-
vals, with which he used to lash the hands of the stu-
dents under his care in such a way as to make the blood
spirt from them. He had
He had a very extraordinary method
of reconciling the devouter student to this torture. He
sentenced him first to nine lashes, and then, ordering
him to hold out his hand, said, "Offer it up to God and
his saints as a sacrifice." He would then select nine
saints. The first blow was to. be suffered in honor of
St. Ignatius,-"Allons, mon enfant, au nom du plus
grand de tous les Saints-St. Ignace!" and down went
the whip wielded by a vigorous and muscular arm.
"Oh! mon Dieu!" cried the little martyr, withdrawing
his hand after the first operation. "Allons! mon enfant,
WIT AND HUMOR.
257
au nom de St. Francois Xavier!" and he then inflicted
a second laceration upon the culprit. "Mais, mon
Pere, ayez pitie—jamais, jamais je ne ferai des sole-
cismes—oh, mon Pere, jamais." The Jesuit was inex.
orable. "Allons, mon enfant, au nom de St. Louis de
Gonzague;" and thus he proceeded till he had gone
through his calendar of torturing saints.
!
CHERRY STONES AND THEOLOGY.
THE Abbe de St. Cyran, eating cherries one day, tried
to shoot the stones through the bars of a window, but
in vain, the stones always striking against the lattice
work; whereupon he observed, "What pains Providence
takes to frustrate my designs."
WHAT WOULD THEY DO?
THE Senators in a body having expressed to Tiberius
their wish that the month of November, in which he
was born, should be named after him, represented that
two of the months (July and August) already bore the
names of Roman emperors. Tiberius replied by asking
them what they would do, if they had thirteen Cæsars?
Their servility was rebuked.
SUNLIGHT FAVORABLE TO HEROISM.
An officer of distinguished courage was fond of saying,
"If battles were only fought in the night time, there
would not be so many heroes as there are."
STOPPED ON THE THRESHOLD.
WHEN the Duke of Newcastle, the minister, lived in
the mansion at the northwest angle of Lincoln's-inn
Fields, his levees were his great delight; and among
17
25€
JOKES AND JESTS,
those who crowded there were Sir Thomas Robinson, a
mañ about town, and a great pest to persons of rank.
He was very troublesome to the Duke of Newcastle, and
when told that his grace was out, would desire to be
admitted to look at the clock, or to play with the
monkey that was kept in the hall, in hope of being sent
for by the Duke. This he had so frequently done, that
all in the house were tired of him. At length it was
arranged among the servants that he should be got rid
of; and at his next coming, the porter, on opening the
gate, dismissed him with these words: "Sir, his
"Sir, his grace
is out, the clock has stopped, and the monkey is dead!"
CONSISTENT AT HOME AND ABROAD.
THERE is a story told of an Irishman who, landing in
America, was met and welcomed by a countryman who
had been longer there. "Welcome, Pat," said the latter,
"I'm glad to see ye; ye've come just in time, for to-
morrow's election day." Pat and his friend took some
refreshment together, and presently the newly arrived
began to make some inquiries about voting. "Ye'll
vote for who ye plaize,” said his friend, "sure it's a free
counthry." "Well, then, begorra," rejoined Pat, "I go
agin the Government; that's what I always did at
home."
3
THE WORK THAT LASTS.
SOPHOCLES One day said, that three of his verses had
cost him three days' work. "Three days!" exclaimed an
indifferent poet who overheard him, "I could have com-
posed a hundred in that time!" Yes," said Sophocles,
"but then they would have only lasted three days."
((
WIT AND HUMOR.
259
THE SUPPRESSIO VERI.
WHEN the Ambassador of Ferdinand, surnamed the
Catholic, at the Court of Louis XII., told him that that
prince complained of having been twice deceived by
him, Ferdinand replied " He lies, the drunkard! I
deceived him more than ten times."
TOO MANY, OR TOO FEW.
A FEW days before the election of Clement XIV. to
the Papal chair, four cardinals went into his cell, and
said that he must certainly be the new Pope. He looked
at them ironically and said "If you have come to
mock me, there are too many of you, and if you are in
earnest, you are too few.”
A SHOCKING DISAPPOINTMENT.
A FEW months since a gentleman had the misfortune
to lose his wife, a literary lady of some reputation.
After grieving for a number of weeks, a bright idea
entered the head of the widower. He thought that he
could do something to lessen his sorrow, and for that
purpose he called upon a lady of his acquaintance and
requested to speak a word with her in private. Think-
ing that she was about to receive a proposal, the lady
prepared to listen with becoming resignation. "Myrrah,"
said he with downcast eyes, as he took her hand, “you
knew my wife!” "Certainly." "It is not good for
man to be alone?" "Perhaps not." "Did you ever
reflect upon that part of the marriage service which
requires couples to cleave unto each other till death do
them part?" "I have." "I have often reflected upon
it myself. Now death has parted me from my wife,
260
JOKES AND JESTS,
and I feel very lonely." "I should think it likely."
"I think I must do something to restore to me her kind
consolations, and the memory of her virtues." He
pressed the lady's hand and sighed. She returned the
pressure, and also suffered a sigh to escape her. "My
dear," he said, after a long pause, "I'll come to the
point at once. I have a proposal to make."
"A pro
posal?" She blushed and covered her face with her
hands. "Yes; I have decided on writing my wife's
biography. Now I have but very little skill in literary
matters, and if you will correct my manuscript, and
write the headings of the chapters, I will remuncrate
you." She sprang from his side, and her eyes flashed
with anger.
"I'll see you hanged first, and then I
won't! you-you-
She left the room, not being
""
able to express her feelings. The widower sighed, took
his hat and went home. He has not yet published, nor
proposed.
EPISCOPAL SATISFACTION.
ONE day Joe Haines, the comedian, was arrested by
two bailiffs for a debt of twenty pounds, just as the
Bishop of Ely was riding by in his carriage. Quoth Joe
to the bailiffs, "Gentlemen, here is my cousin, the Bishop
of Ely; let me but speak a word to him, and he will pay
the debt and costs." The bishop ordered his carriage to
stop, whilst Joe whispered close to his ear-"My lord,
here are a couple of poor weavers, who have such terri-
ble scruples of conscience that I fear they will hang
themselves!" "Very well," replied the bishop. So,
calling to the bailiffs, he said—"You two men come to
me to-morrow, and I will satisfy you." The bailiffs
WIT AND HUMOR.
261
bowed and went their way. Joe (tickled in the midriff,
and hugging himself with his device) went his way too.
In the morning the bailiffs repaired to the bishop's
house. 66
"Well, my good men," said his reverence,
"what are your scruples of conscience?" "Scruples!"
replied the bailiffs, "we have no scruples; we are bailiffs,
my lord, who yesterday arrested your cousin, Joe Haines,
for twenty pounds. Your lordship promised to satisfy
us to-day, and we hope you will be as good as your
word." The bishop, to prevent any further scandal to
his name, immediately paid the debt and costs.
AVARICE EXTRAORDINARY.
In the time of Madame de Sevigne, a M. d'Antefort
died of a disease, because he refused to use a certain
remedy which was almost sure to have cured it; his rea-
son being, not that he disbelieved in its efficacy, but that
it cost too much. Just before his death he was assured
that, if he would apply the remedy in question it should
not cost him more than forty pistoles. "No!" he said,
"it is too dear!" and expired.
WHAT THEY LAUGHED AT IN 1500.
THREE hundred and fifty years ago, Wynkyn de
Worde, who had his printing office in Fleet street, "at
the sygne of the Swanne," published his "Demaundes
Joyous," which will show our ancestors' notions of
fun:-
Qustion. What bare the best burden that ever was
borne? Answer. The ass that carried our Lady, when
she fled with our Lord into Egypt.
Q. What became of that ass? A.-Adam's mother
ate her.
262
JOKES AND JESTS,
Q
Who was Adam's mother? A.--The earth.
Q. How many cows' tails would it take to reach
from the earth to the sky? A.-No more than one, if
it be long enough.
Q. What is the distance from the surface of the sea
to the deepest part thereof? A.-Only a stone's throw.
Q. When Antichrist appears in the world, what will
be the hardest thing for him to understand? A.-A
hand-barrow, for of that he shall not know which end
ought to go foremost.
Q. What is it that never was and never will be?
A.—A mouse's nest in a cat's ear.
Q. Why do men make an oven in a town? A.-
Because they cannot make a town in an oven.
Q. How may a man discern a cow in a flock of
sheep? A.-By his eyesight.
Q. Why doth a cow lie down? A.-Because it can-
not sit.
Q. What is it that never freezeth? A.-Boiling
water.
Q. Which was first, the hen or the egg? A.—The
hen, at the creation.
Q. How many straws go to a goose's nest? A.-
Not one, for straws not having feet cannot go anywhere.
Q. Who killed the fourth part of all the people in
the world? A.-Cain, when he killed Abel, when there
was but four persons in the world.
Q. What is it that is a builder, and yet not a man,
doeth what no man can do, and yet serveth both God
and man? A.-A bee.
Q.-What man getteth his living by walking back-
wards? A.-A ropemaker.
WIT AND HUMOR.
263
Q.-How would you say two paternosters, when you
know God made but one paternoster? A.-Say one
twice over.
Q. Which are the most profitable saints of the
church? A.-Those painted on the glass windows, for
they keep the wind from wasting the candles.
Q. Who were the persons that made all and sold all,
and bought all and lost all? A.—A smith made an awl
and sold it to a shoemaker, who lost it.
Q.-Why doth a dog turn round three times before
he lieth down? A.-Because he knoweth not his bed's
head from the foot thereof.
Q. What is the worst bestowed charity that one can
give? A.-Alms to a blind man; for he would be glad
to see the person hanged that gave it to him.
Q. What is the age of a field-mouse? A.-A year.
And the age of a hedgehog is three times that of a
mouse, and the life of a dog is three times that of a
hedgehog, and the life of a horse is three times that of a
dog, and the life of a man is three times that of a horse,
and the life of a goose is three times that of a man, and
the life of a swan is three times that of a goose, and the
life of a swallow three times that of a swan, and the life
of an eagle three times that of a swallow, and the life of
a serpent three times that of an eagle, and the life of a
raven is three times that of a serpent, and the life of a
hart is three times that of a raven, and an oak groweth
five hundred years, and fadeth five hundred years.
Q. Which is the broadest water, and least jeopardy
to pass over? A. The dew.
Q. What is that which hath no end? A.-A bowl.
Q.—What day in the year are flies most timid? A.—
264
JOKES AND JESTS,
On Palm Sunday, when seeing everybody with palms in
their hands, they fear it is to kill them (the flies) with.
Q. What three things are they that the world is
most maintained by? A.-By words, herbs, and stones.
With words man worshippeth God; by herbs, ¿.e. all
manner of corn that man is fed with; and by stones-
one that grindeth the corn, and the other that increaseth
the world.
Q.-A man had three daughters, of three ages, to
whom he gave certain apples to sell: to the oldest
daughter 50 apples, to the second 30 apples, and to the
youngest 10 apples; and they all sold the same number
for a penny, and brought home the same money: how
many did each sell for a penny? A.-The youngest sold
first 7 for a penny, and the other two sisters sold at the
same rate; when the eldest sister had one odd apple left,
and the second sister two, and the youngest 3 apples.
Now these apples the buyer liked so well, that he came
again to the youngest sister, and bought of her 3 apples,
at 3 pence a-piece, when she had 10 pence; and the
second sister thought she would get the same price, and
sold her two apples for 3 pence a-piece, when she
had 10 pence; and the eldest sister sold her one apple
for 3 pence, when she had 10 pence: thus sold they all
the same number of apples for a penny, and brought
home the same money.
NOT GOING IN THE RIGHT DIRECTION.
A GOOD story is told of a countryman, who, on his
way from Washington to Cincinnati, became somewhat
elevated by sundry "drinks," but, as good look would
have it, found a boat at the wharf, and was quickly on
Z.
WIT AND HUMOR.
265
his way.
Soon after leaving the wharf, a clerk came
round for his fare. The countryman handed him a five-
dollar bill, and received four dollars and ninety-five cents
in change. He rammed this into his pocket-book with
great eagerness, supposing the clerk had made a mistake.
That done he leaned back into his chair and fell asleep.
A little while and he was aroused by the same man, who
again demanded the fare. "Discovered the mistake,"
thought he, holding out a handful of change. The
clerk, as before, took only five cents, and the country-
man again went into a doze. Ere he had got fairly into
dreaming of home and friends far away, around came the
collector again, and thus it went on for a long time. At
last he thought it very inconvenient, and concluded to
vote the collector a nuisance, and give him a bit of
advice besides; so he said: "Is (hic) this a da-n-ger
(hic) ous (hic) bo-boat?" "By no means," said the man.
"Bran new." "Then, by gummy, (hic) why do (hic)
don't you collect all the fa (hic) hair at once-not
bo bother a fel (hic) heller for it every mile as it comes
due?" "Really," said the man, "where do you think
you are going?" "Cincinnati," said the countryman.
“Cincinnati,” said the polite conductor, "why you must
be sadly out of your reckoning. This is the ferry-boat,
and all this afternoon you have been riding to and fro
between New Albany and Portland."
SACRIFICIAL.
A YOUNG American lady once regretted that she
couldn't go to fight for the country, but said she was
willing to let the young men go, and to die an old maid,
266
JOKES AND JESTS,
which was as great a sacrifice as anybody could be called
upon to make!
EVERYTHING IN THE INTENTION.
A GENTLEMAN from Boston chanced to find himself
among a little party of ladies, away down East in the
summer, in the enjoyment of some innocent social play.
He carelessly placed his arm about the slender waist of
as pretty a damsel as Maine can boast of, when she started,
and exclaimed: "Begone, sir; don't insult me!" The
gentleman instantly apologized for his seeming rudeness,
and assured the offended fair one that he did not mean
to insult her. "Well, if you didn't," she replied, archly,
"You may do it again."
•
A STATESMAN TAKEN IN
In the summer of 1773, a cunning woman who had been
transported, a few years before, advertised herself in
London as a sensible woman who gave advice on all
emergencies for half a guinea. She pretended to be
related to a minister, and called herself the Hon. Mrs.
Grieve. Among the dupes whom she caught in her
snares was Charles Fox. According to Walpole, this
woman undoubtedly had uncommon talents and a knowl-
edge of the world. She persuaded Fox, desperate with
his debts, that she could procure for him, as a wife, with
a fortune of £80,000, a Miss Phipps, who was just
arrived from the West Indies. There was just such a
person coming over, but not with half the fortune, nor
known to Mrs. Grieve. With this bait she amused Mr.
Fox for many months, appointed meetings, and, once per-
suaded him that, as Miss Phipps liked a fair man, and
as he was remarkably black, he must powder his eye-
L
WIT AND HUMOR.
267
brows. Of that intended interview he was disappointed
by the imaginary lady falling ill of what was afterwards
pretended to be small-pox. Had a novice been the prey
of these artifices, it would not have been extraordinary,
but Charles Fox was a man of the world. He must have
known there could not have been an Hon. Mrs. Grieve,
nor such a being as she pretended to be. In one respect
she had singular finesse: instead of asking him for money,
which would have detected her plot at once, she was so
artful as to lend him £300, or thereabouts; and she paid
herself by his chariot standing frequently at her door,
which served to impose on her more vulgar dupes.
HOW MEN USED TO SPEAK OF ONE ANOTHER.
In the famous controversy between Boyle and Bentley
about Esop's Fables and the Epistles of Phalaris, Boyle
called Bentley "a dunce and a jackass," and Bentley
compared Boyle, with his new readings, to "a bungling
tinker mending old kettles." Lord Chesterfield called
Dr. Samuel Johnson a "Hottentot." Dr. Adam Smith
called the same Dr. Samuel Johnson a "brute." John-
son replied that Smith was a "liar; " and Smith rejoined
by tracing Johnson's genealogy to Hecuba. Smollett
said of Admiral Knowles: "He is an admiral without
conduct, an engineer without knowledge, an officer with-
out resolution, and a man without veracity!" Swift
spoke of Walpole as "a contemptible boor," and hinted
that the Duke of Marlborough was a coward. Some
compliments passed between Dennis and Sir Rich-
ard Steele. After taunting him with the atrocious
offense of being an Irishman, Dennis said that Steele
was marked "like Cain," and his Hibernian origin
268
JOKES AND JESTS,
66
stamped upon his face, his writings, his actions,
his passions, and, above all, his vanity.', Steele replied,
that his assailant had an "ugly vinegar face,” and “duck
legs made for carrying burdens;" and that "he never
let the sun into his garret, for fear he should bring a
bailiff along with him!" The most scathing thing that
one human being ever said to another was probably what
Henry Grattan said to Henry Flood in the course of a
Parliamentary debate. Flood had inadvertently alluded
to Grattan as his "honorable friend." Grattan sprang
upon his legs and exclaimed, "Whom does the honora-
ble gentleman call his friend?—Not me, surely. I'd
spit on him in a desert!”
A REASON FOR HIS INCONSISTENCY.
A PRETTY and witty girl said one evening to Fonten-
elle, who disliked artificial light, but who had insisted,
on that evening, that the candles should be lighted. "I
thought, sir, that you liked to sit in the dark?" "Not
when I am in your company," said the gallant old man.
A RUNNING FOOTMAN.
THE Duke of Queensborough, who died in 1810, is
said to have been the last nobleman who kept running
footmen: "he was in the habit, before engaging them, of
trying their paces, by seeing how they could run up and
down Piccadilly, he watching and timing them from the
balcony. They put on his livery before the trial. On
one occasion, a candidate presented himself, and ran.
At the conclusion of his performance, he stood before
the balcony. 'You'll do very well for me,' said the
Duke. "Your livery will do very well for me,' replied
WIT AND HUMOR.
269
the man, and gave the duke a last proof of his ability as
a runner by running away with it."
HIS EYES EARTHWARD.
Ar the battle of Muhlberg, fought in 1547, the Duke
of Alba performed prodigies of valor. Some historians
have stated that during the battle a strange phenomenon
appeared in the heavens. The French king, Henry II.,
asking the duke one day whether such a thing had really
occurred, the latter replied with a smile, "To tell the
truth, sire, I was so occupied with what was going on on
earth, that I had no time to observe what was occurring
in the heavens."
THE TIME FOR HIS WORK.
MARMONTEL, while staying at Amsterdam, was never
tired of speaking of tolerance. "But why," he was
asked, “insist so much upon a point upon which all the
world is just now agreed?" "Because," he replied,
"we can only work at the dykes when the waters are
low."
A HAUNTED BRAIN,
DIDEROT said of Fontenelle, when he was very aged,
and his failing mind but seldom emitted brilliant
sparks-Ile is like an old chateau that is haunted by
spirits.
OVER ZEALOUS.
CARDINAL MAZARIN said of President Lecoigneux-
He is so zealous a judge that he is indignant at not
being able to condemn both prosecutor and defendant.
A PATIENT SUFFERER.
SHORTLY after the death of Mrs.the wife of a
270
JOKES AND JESTS,
!
popular actor, and at that time an unpopular manager,
some one observed that "Mr. - had suffered a loss in
the death of his wife, which he would not soon be able
to make up."
"I don't know how that may be," replied
George Colman, drily, "but, to tell you the truth, I don't
think he has quarreled with his loss yet."
CAPPING THE COUNSELLOR.
A COUNSEL in the Common Pleas,
Who was esteemed a mighty wit,
Upon the strength of a chance hit
Amid a thousand flippancies,
And his occasional bad jokes
In bullying, bantering, browbeating,
Ridiculing, and maltreating
Women or other timid folks,
In a late cause, resolved to hoax
A clownish Yorkshire farmer-one
Who by his uncouth look and gait,
Appeared expressly meant by Fate
For being quizz'd and played upon.
So, having tipped the wink to those
In the back rows,
Who kept their laughter bottled down
Until our wag should draw the cork,
He smiled jocosely on the clown,
And went to work.
'Well, Father Numskull, how go calves at York?”
"Why—not, sir, as they do wi' you,
But on four legs instead of two."
“Officer!” cried the legal elf,
Piqued at the laugh against himself,
WIT AND HUMOR.
271
"Do, pray, keep silence down below there.
Now look at me, clown, and attend,
Have I not seen you somewhere, friend?"
"Yees, very like; I often go there.”
"Our rustic's waggish-quite laconic,"
The Counsel cried, with grin sardonic;
"I wish I'd known this prodigy,
This genius of the clods, when I,
On circuit, was at York residing.
Now, Farmer, do for once speak true,
Mind, you're on oath, so tell me, you
Who doubtless think yourself so clever,
Are there as many fools as ever
In the West Riding?
"Why no; of fools we've got our share,
But there's one less than when you, sir, were there."
FEAR CONQUERING FEAR.
BLONDIN'S memorable caution to the nervous man
whom he was carrying on his back across the Niagara
Falls was as follows:-"I must request you to sit quiet,"
said M. Blondin, "or I shall have to put you down.”
The fear of being lifted from the performer's shoulders
and left on the rope to shift for himself enforced obe-
dience, and the two reached the goal in safety.
HALF SEAS OVER.
A DRUNKEN Irishman was brought up before a York-
shire magistrate on a charge of vagrancy, and was thus
questioned: "What is your trade?" "Sure, now, your
272
JOKES AND JESTS,
honor, I'm a sailor." "You a sailor! I don't believe
you have ever been to sea in your life."
"Sure, now,
and does your honor think I came over from Ireland in
a waggin?" "I must commit you," exclaimed the
magistrate, "for sailor or not sailor, you are half seas
over,"
,
HOW HE WAS RECOGNIZED.
DR. M an eminent Church of Scotland divine,
visited the International Exhibition. Shortly after his
arrival in the metropolis, an Irishman came running to
him in the street, crying, "Och, blessins on ye, Doctor
M-! how are yez?" "I'm very well," replied the
doctor, rather dryly. "And when did yez come to Lon-
don?" "Last week; but how did you come to know
me?" "Give me a shilling and I'll tell yez." The doc-
tor, curious to know how the fellow found his name out,
gave him the shilling, and was answered by the Irish-
man, "Sure, then, and I saw your name on your
umbrella."
FRIENDLY.
"FRIEND MALLABY, (said a Quaker to a clergyman of
his town), I am pleased that thee has got such a fine
organ in thy church." "But," replied the clergyman,
"I thought you were strongly opposed to using an organ
in worship." "So I am," said Friend Obadiah;" but if
thee will worship by machinery, I like thee to have a
first-rate instrument."
TRUE BUT NOT NEW.
A BABBLER was one day wearying M. de Fontenelle
with his stories, when the latter said to him very
WIT AND HUMOR.
273
quietly, "I am quite sure, sir, that what you tell me is
true, for you have already told it me a hundred times,
and I have heard it a hundred times from others."
GAMBLING FOR LIFE.
MARSHAL GRAMMONT used to be fond of telling a story
of three soldiers, who, having committed offenses punish-
able by death, it was ordered that one of them should
be hung, as an example, and the three were directed to
decide which of them should suffer, by throwing dice.
The first threw fourteen, the second seventeen, and the
last, taking up the dice as coolly as though he was
engaged in a trivial game, threw eighteen, upon which
he exclaimed with an expression of vexation, "Ah,
now! if I had been playing for money I should not
have been so lucky."
A PROPHECY FULFILLED.
It had been predicted that the Duke de Choiseul
would meet his death through a conspiracy, and some
persons maintained that the prediction was accomplished,
although he died of disease, because he expired whilst
twelve medical men were assembled around his couch,
disputing as to the best means of curing him.
PICKING HIM UP.
DURING a heavy fall of rain, which followed a pro-
longed drought in Poland, in the spring of 1779, a great
landed proprietor said to one of his serfs-"That is gold
which is now falling!" "No," replied the serf, "It can-
not be that, for if it were I am sure you would order me
to pick it up for you."
18
274
JOKES AND JESTS,
A POPULAR SKETCH.
THOMAS HOOD said, "The business of a ballad singer
is to make popular songs unpopular: he gives the air,
like a weathercock, with many variations. As a key, he
has but one-a latch-key-for all manner of tunes; and
as they are to pass current amongst the lower sorts of
people, he makes his notes like a country banker's, as
thick as he can. Before beginning he clears his pipe
with gin, and he is always hoarse from the thorough
draft in his throat. He hath but one shake, and that is
in winter. His voice is flat from flatulence; and he
fetches breath, like a drowning kitten, whenever he can.
Notwithstanding all this, his music gains ground, for it
walks with him from end to end of the street. "He is
your only performer that requires not many entreaties
for a song, for he will chant, without asking, to a street
cur or a parish post. His only backwardness is to a
stave after dinner, seeing that he never dines."
A NECESSARY DEFENSE.
A BLACKSMITH having been ordered to make a railing
for the steps of a pulpit, ornamented it with wolves' heads,
and when asked the reason, said, "I thought it might
prevent asses from venturing up."
CURING A SPENDTHRIFT THROUGH HIS PRIDE.
LORD BUCKHURST, who was noted for his extravagant
living, was reformed in this way: An alderman, from
whom he had borrowed, kept him waiting one day so
long, that his Sackville blood rose at it, and he turned a
good sober economist from the effect it produced on him.
WIT AND HUMOR.
275
A BAD ACTRESS.
THE celebrated English actor, Garrick, being present
at a French play, noticed an actress who, after uttering
the vehement imprecations contained in her part,
resumed all her coolness, and calmly gazed at the spec-
tators. "Ah! what a good little girl,” he exclaimed;
"she may get into a passion, but she can't keep in it, for
the life of her."
THE VALUE OF CRITICISM.
BOILEAU said, that criticism does for a book what a
racket-bat does for a ball; it lifts it up and prevents it
from falling.
A RATIONALIST PRIEST.
66
In a season of drought, a priest in the neighborhood
of Choisy, near Paris, was entreated by his parishioners
to hold a series of special services to pray for rain, as his
brother priests all around had done. My friends,"
said the pastor, "trust me, and be easy in your minds.
Since all the surrounding parishes have offered up their
prayers for rain, if they obtain what they want we shall
be sure to have it also, for we are in the center; and if
they do not get what they want, we may as well save
ourselves the trouble of asking, for there is little chance
of our succeeding if they fail."
TUNELESS BUT VALUABLE.
SALVATOR ROSA, touching one day the keys of a
harpsichord, and finding that it was worthless, said, “I
will make it worth a hundred crowns," and forthwith
drew upon it such an exquisite sketch that the instru-
ment readily fetched the sum named.
276
JOKES AND JESTS,
OBSCURITY DEFINED.
M. DE TALLEYRAND described a great metaphysician as
a man who excelled in writing with black ink on a black
ground.
HOW TO BEAT THE PLAYERS.
AFTER Dufresny had written the comedy of "The
Masked Lover," in three acts, the players made him con-
dense it into one act; and whenever he composed a piece
in five acts they made him reduce it to three. "It
seems, then,” he exclaimed one day to the Abbe Pellegrin,
"that I shall never succeed in having a five-act piece
played?" Why do you not write a piece in eleven
acts?" replied Pellegrin, "the players will cut off six
and there will remain five."
66
BEARING IT.
AN Italian, named Restorini, who had been employed
in a theater at Pera, being out of collar, resorted to the
following expedient to make his fortune: The Sultan
Selim was known to be an amateur of Frank exhibi.
tions, especially of the sort in which music had a promi-
nent share. Restorini found means to inform him that he
had just arrived from Italy, having a marvelous bear in
his possession, which played on the pianoforte with
superior skill. The Sultan expressed his wish to wit-
ness the performance of the wonderful animal; and on
the appointed day a boat was sent and took the Italian
with his bear and piano to the imperial residence. The
animal stood on its hind legs, and played in a manner
which delighted the Sultan, who desired to purchase it.
The embarrassment of Restorini may be imagined. He
regretted his inability to comply with the Sultan's desire,
WIT AND HUMOR.
277
and he remained firm in his refusal as the offers became
more and more liberal. The Sultan was at last out of
patience, and ordered his attendants to take possession
of the bear, and compensate the owner. In executing
this command the attendants tore open the skin of the
bear, and found that it covered a young woman. Resto-
rini was driven with blows from the palace, and the
musical artist, whom he had attired in a bearskin, made
her escape in the confusion.
NOT ANSWERING HIM.
LOUIS XIV. asked Bossuet whether it was lawful for
a Christian to go to the play. "There are strong rea-
sons against, and great examples in favor of his doing
so," replied the bishop.
TOO GOOD TO BE, OR NOT TO BE.
CICERO said of the player Roscius that he displayed so
much talent on the stage that he ought never to leave
it, and so much virtue off it that he ought never to have
trod it.
GENEROUS.
MEMNON, one of the generals of Darius, hearing a
soldier speak ill of Alexander, their common enemy, he
said to him, as he struck him with his javelin, "I did
not take you into my pay to speak against Alexander,
but to fight against him.'
وو
HE SHOULD NOT HAVE BEEN SURPRISED.
M. DE LAVERDY, having lost a cause in which he had
spoken on the side of the defense with the utmost
eloquence, subsequently expressed his surprise to one
of the judges. "We should not have spoken as you
278
JOKES AND JESTS,
:
did," replied the judge, "but you would certainly have
decided as we did."
THINKING AND TALKING.
LA BRUYERE says, "There are some persons who
speak before they think; there are others who in con-
versation burden you with all the labor of their minds.
They talk correctly and wearisomely."
SILENCE NOT A PROOF OF WISDOM.
M. DE BENSERADE said of a man who did not talk,
"He thinks just as little."
MOODS AND TENSES.
A COUNTRY Schoolmaster thus describes a money-
lender: "He serves you in the present tense-he lends
you in the conditional mood-keeps you in the subjunct-
ive and ruins you in the future."
HURT.
AN American statesman of note being asked how he
felt after one of the Confederate victories, replied: “I
feel like the boy in Kentucky who stubbed his toe while
running to see his sweetheart, and said he was much too
big to cry, but far too badly hurt to be able to laugh.'
DOMESTIC CONSOLATION.
""
"WHAT is the matter, my dear?" asked a wife of her
husband, who had sat half an hour with his face buried
in his hands, and apparently in great tribulation. “Oh,
I don't know," said he; "I have felt like a fool all day.'
"Well," returned the wife, consolingly, "really you look
the picture of what you feel!"
""
WIT AND HUMOR.
279
SHORT TRUTHS FOR DAILY USE.
AMONG the good things said by old Sam Slick, of
immortal memory, are the following:
"If a woman was to put a Bramah lock on her heart,
a skillful man would find his way into it, if he wanted to,
I know. That contrivance is set to a particular word;
find the letters that compose it, and it opens at once."
“If a man's sensibility is all in his palate, he can't, of
course, have much in his heart."
"Thunderin' long words ain't wisdom, and stopping a
critter's mouth is more apt to improve his wind than his
onderstandin'.”
66
Hope is a pleasant acquaintance, but an unsafe
friend. It'll do on a pinch for a travelin' companion,
but he is not the man for your banker.”
"There's no pinnin' up a woman in a corner, unless
she wants to be caught, that's a fact.”
"Consait grows as nateral as the hair on one's head,
but it's longer in comin' out."
(C
People have no right to make fools of themselves,
unless they have no relations to blush for them."
A FACT.
A MASTER in a young lady's school was giving a lesson
in parsing, when she came to the words, "He, courting
the smiles of the great, etc." A girl of fifteen, acute
and pretty, was asked, "What does courting agree with?”
The embryo woman blushed to the eyes, and hung down
her head. The question was repeated; and at last the
embarrassed learner stammered out, "it agrees with the
girls, sir."
280
JOKES AND JESTS.
A SCOTCH TERMINATION.
DOUGLAS JERROLD one day met a Scotch gentleman,
whose name was Leitch, and who explained that he was
not the popular caricaturist, John Leech. "I am aware
of that you are the Scotch Leitch, with the i-t-c-h,”
said Jerrold.
FINNISH FUN.
FINN, the American comedian, was carving a goose,
when John Everett, the ex-minister's brother, called out
from the other end of the table, "What sort of a fowl is
that brother of yours, Finn?" "It is almost as great a
goose as I ever-et," responded the wit.
A WINTER AMUSEMENT.
IN Salem, Mass., after a heavy and deep snowfall, a
man was discovered pushing sticks into a huge winter
bank of snow. On being asked why he amused himself
thus-"Amuse!" said he, with a voice which betrayed
the deepest anxiety of mind; "fine amusement! I have
lost my shop-it used to stand somewhere near this spot."
BLOWING HIS OWN PIPE.
"THE stately step of a piper," is a proverb in Scotland,
which reminds us of an anecdote of a certain noble lord,
when in attendance upon the Queen at Balmoral, a few
years ago. Having been commissioned by a friend to
procure a performer on the pipes, he applied to Her
Majesty's piper-a fine stalwart Highlander; and on
being asked what kind of article was required, his lord-
ship said in reply, "Just such another as yourself.”
The consequential Celt readily exclaimed, "There are
WIT AND HUMOR.
281
plenty o' lords like yoursel', but very few sic pipers as
me."
A VIEW OF AUTHORSHIP.
THE poet Thomson had an uncle, a clever, active
mechanic, who could do many things with his hands,
and who regarded his nephew's indolent, dreamy charac-
ter with impatience. When the first portion of the
Seasons had been completed, Thomson, to propitiate the
old man's good opinion, had the book handsomely bound,
and presented it to him. The uncle never looked inside,
nor asked what the book was about; but, turning it round
and round with his fingers, in gratified admiration,
exclaimed: "Come, is that really our Jamie's doin' now?
well, I never thought the creatur wad hae had the han-
dicraft to do the like?"
((
THE LUMBER TROOP.
MR. CHARLES KNIGHT relates the following in his
Passages of a Working Life:" Having met Sir John
Key, the Lord Mayor, at a public dinner, he asked me,
when the company was separating, to go with him where
I might witness a curious scene. At a tavern of no
very elevated character, near the King's Printing Office,
we were ushered upstairs. The door of a large room
was thrown open; the waiter shouted "The Lord Mayor!"
there was a violent rapping of tables, but nothing could
be seen, for a dense cloud of tobacco smoke filled the whole
space. Sir John Key was led to a place of dignity, and
I was seated at a crowded table. As the smoke cleared
away,
I saw a well-known tailor of Fleet Street elevated
on a chair of state, with a silver chain round his neck.
On his right hand sat Mr. Grote, the eminent banker,
282
JOKES AND JESTS,
and now more eminent historian. Sir John Key was
placed on the chairman's left hand. They were the
Liberal candidates for the City. I was soon made
acquainted with the nature of the honorable society into
which I was thrown; for, with all due formalities, I was
made a member of the Lumber Troop, in whose records
could be traced, I was assured, their origin at the time
of the Spanish Armada, as an integral portion of the
Train Bands. This distinguished corps had not to go
forth, as of old, against the fierce Rupert in his march
upon London; their duty was to preserve such an
organization as would give them a voice potential in the
representation of the City. It is to be feared that the
"voice potential" was often overpowered by the smoke
of the "Falcon." Imagine the historian of Greece in
such a scene.
SHARP SHOOTING.
THE following dialogue on "sharp shooting" is reported
to have recently taken place between a Virginian and a
Yankee picket: "I say, can you fellows shoot?" "Well,
I reckon we can, some.” "Down in Mississip' we can
knock a bumble-bee off a thistle blow at three hundred
yards." "Oh, that ain't nothin' tew the way we shewt
up in Varmount. I belonged to a military company
there, with a hundred men in the company, and we went
out for practice every week. The Cap'n draws us up in
single file, and sets a cider barrel rolling down hill, and
each man takes his shot at the bung-hole as it turns up.
It is afterwards examined, and if there is a shot that
didn't go in the bung-hole the member who missed it is
expelled. I belonged to the company ten years, and
there ain't been nobody expelled yet."
WIT AND HUMOR.
283
UNANSWERABLE FLATTERY.
DEAN SWIFT addressed the following lines to a beauti-
ful woman, who was always praising her husband:
"You always are making a god of your spouse,
But that neither reason nor conscience allows;
Perhaps you may think 'tis in gratitude due,
And you adore him because HE ADORES YOU,
This argument's weak, and so you will find,
For you, by this rule, must adore all mankind.”
AN OUTFIT NOT REQUIRED.
A MEMBER of the Scottish bar, when a youth, was
somewhat of a dandy, and still more remarkable for the
shortness of his temper. One day being about to pay a
visit in the country, he made a great fuss in packing up
his clothes for the journey, and his old aunt, annoyed at
the bustle, said, “Whaur's this your guan, Robby, that
ye make sic a grand ware about yer claes?" The
The young
man lost his temper, and pettishly replied, "I am going
to the Devil." "Deed, Robby, then," was the quiet
answer, "ye need na be sae nice, for he'll just tak ye
as ye are."
""
A WOMAN IN IT.
A SHAH of Persia, being told that a workman had
fallen from a ladder, inquired, "Who is she?" "Please
your Majesty, 'tis a he," replied the person to whom the
question was addressed. "Nonsense!" said the Shah;
"there's never an accident without a woman in it: who
is she?" The Shah was right; the man had fallen from
a ladder while looking at a woman through a window.
Many a man does that in other countries besides Persia.
284
JOKES AND JESTS,
TOO MUCH FOR THE WATCHMAN.
A YOUNG fellow, about half-seas over, was passing
through the Strand at a late hour, in the time of the old
watchmen, when one of them interrogated him as fol-
lows: "What is your name, sir?” "Five shillings."
"Where do you live?" "Out of the king's dominions."
“Where have you been?"
been with all your heart."
"Where you would have
"Where are you going?"
"Where you dare not go for your ears."
The guar-
dian of the night thought these answers sufficient to
warrant him in taking the young man to the watch-
house. On the next morning he took him before the
magistrate, and told his story, when the defendant said,
"That as to the first question, his name was Crown;
with regard to the second, he lived in Little Britain;
with respect to the third, he had been drinking a glass
of wine with a friend; and as to the last," he added, "I
was going home to my wife." The magistrate repri-
manded the watchman, and wished Mr. Crown good
morning.
ECHO PUNS.
A STRING of echo puns may be seen in a scarce work,
published in the reign of James I. Here is a specimen:
--“A divine, willing to play more with words than to be
serious in the expounding of his text, spoke thus in one
part of his sermon:-"This dyall shewes we must die all;
notwithstanding, all howses are turned into ale-howses;
our cares are turned into caters; our paradise, into a
pair of dice; our marriage, into a merry age; our mat-
rimony, into a matter of money; our divines, into dry
vines. It was not so in the days of Noah; ah, no."
WIT AND HUMOR.
285
A GOOD WORD TO REMEMBER.
A FRENCHMAN was being terribly beaten by a brawny
two-fisted sailor, who held his victim to the earth while
he severely thrashed him. The Frenchman kept yelling
with all his might, "Hurrah! I say, Hurrah!" A man
passing by saw the predicament of the poor Frenchman,
and told him to cry, "Enough!" "Enough! Enough!"
shouted the suffering foreigner; "by Gar, zat is de
word I try to think of dis several minutes gone." The
sailor let him up, when the Frenchman rubbed his
hands with delight and cried: "Enough: by Gar, 'tis
very mooch good word for little fellow to remember."
ACUTE.
A GENTLEMAN had a cask of wine, from which his ser-
vant stole a large quantity. When the master per-
ceived the deficiency, he diligently inspected the top of
the cask, but could find no traces of an opening. "Look
if there be not a hole in the bottom," said a bystander.
"Blockhead," he replied, "do you not see that the
deficiency is at the top, and not at the bottom?"
TWELVEPENCE FOR HIS THOUGHTS.
"WHAT are you thinking of, my man?" said Lord
Hill, as he approached a soldier who was leaning in a
gloomy mood upon his firelock, while around him lay
mangled thousands of French and English, a few hours
after the battle of Salamanca had been won by the Eng-
lish. The soldier started, and after saluting his general,
answered: "I was thinking, my lord, how many
widows and orphans I have this day made for one shil-
ling." He had fired 600 rounds of ball that day."
286
JOKES AND JESTS,
WHO WILL USE IT?
A PATENT of remarkable character was recently granted
to Mr. Muir, of the Britannia Works, Manchester, for
"improvements in the construction of public houses,
and other houses of entertainment." The nature of the
invention is thus described by Mr. Muir: "It consists
in constructing the whole of the front of public houses,
and other houses of entertainment, of plate glass, to
enable persons outside to see those within. Ingress and
egress passages of not more than two feet are provided
to admit customers, but to prevent the entrance of
females with steel crinoline. A space is left between
the front of the house of entertainment and the foot-
path, of not less than three feet wide, under which passes
a heated flue; this place affords shelter and warmth to
destitute poor during the night. When the house is
closed at night, and on Sundays, a public fountain,
provided with a filter, supplied with water from
the house, is turned on for the benefit of the public."
The patentee adds that "the whole interior is visible to
persons passing in front of the building, and that this
will, to a great extent, check drunkenness, and the inde-
cent behavior of the persons obtaining refreshment.”
CHARACTERISTIC OF THE SOIL.
A BET was once made in London, that by a single
question proposed to an Englishman, a Scotchman, and
an Irishman, a characteristic reply would be elicted from
each of them. Three representative laborers were accord-
ingly called in, and separately asked: "What will you
take to run round Russell square, stripped to the shirt?"
WIT AND HUMOR.
287
While the Englishman unhesitatingly answered, "A
pint of porter," the humorous response of the Irishman
was, "A mighty great cowld!" The man of the north,
however, instead of condescending upon any definite
"consideration," cautiously replied, with an eye to a good
bargain, "What will your honor gi'e me?"
A FAST MAN.
AN American editor says he knows a young man who
attends church regularly, and clasps his hands so tight
during prayer time, that he can't get them open when
the contribution box comes round.
66
LUCK AND LABOR.
"LUCK" and "Labor" both begin with the same
letter, but end with very different results. "Luck" is
ever waiting for ❝ something to turn up;" "Labor," with
keen eye
and strong will, bravely turns up "something."
“Luck” lies in bed, and wishes that the postman would
bring him news of a legacy; "Labor" turns out at six
o'clock, and with busy pen, or ringing hammer, lays the
foundation of a competence. "Luck" whines, "Labor"
whistles; "Luck" relies on chance, " Labor" on character;
"Luck" slips downward to indigence, "Labor" strides
upward to independence.
AN AGRICULTURAL WRITER.
THE following is said to have been read as an original
composition in a city school, the subject being a calm
moonlight night: ""Twas a calm, still night; the moon's
pale light shone soft o'er hill and dale. Not a breeze
stirred; not a leaf stirred; not a dog stirred; not a horse
stirred; not a man stirred; not an owl stirred; not a
288
JOKES AND JESTS, .
hog stirred; not a cow stirred; not a mouse stirred;
not a hen stirred; not even a goose stirred." Here the
teacher interrupted, observing that the composition
related more to agriculture than moonlight.
NOT TO BE CAUGHT.
A LAWYER was cross-examining a high-spirited
woman, who was evidently a match for any man, whilst
her husband, who was obviously the weaker vessel, sat
sheepishly listening. The lawyer was pressing a ques-
tion urgently, when she said with fire flashing from her
eyes, "You needn't think to catch me, sir; you tried
that once before!" "Madam (replied the counsel), “I
haven't the slightest desire to catch you, and your hus-
band looks as if he was sorry he did."
POPPING THE QUESTION.
"WHY don't you get married?" said a young lady to
a bachelor acquaintance who was on a visit. "I have
been trying for the last ten years to find some one who
would be silly enough to take me, and have not yet
succeeded," was the reply. "Then you haven't been
down our way,” was the insinuating rejoinder.
QUITE AN ORDINARY AFFAIR.
AN Irish paper publishes the following item:-"A
deaf man, named Taff, was run down by a passenger
train and killed on Wednesday morning.
injured in a similar way about a year ago."
A HOPED FOR CHANCE.
He was
A YOUNG lady in a class studying physiology, made
answer to a question put, that in six years a human
WIT AND HUMOR.
289.
body became entirely changed, so that not a particle
which was in it at the commencement of the period
would remain at the close of it. "Then Miss. L.," said
the young tutor, "in six years you will cease to be Miss
L?" "Why, yes, sir, I suppose so," said she, very
modestly looking at the floor.
RAISING THE WIND.
A CORRESPONDENT of an Inverness newspaper says that
the fishermen of Portmahomack used to be under the
impression that Admiral Fitzroy was the cause of all the
violent storms that occurred. "As to that man Fats-
rory (said they), he's just worse nor Stine Bheag of
Tarbat, for he has only to hoist that pig trum of his to
raise the wind."
AN IMPOSSIBLE REVENGE.
A VILLAGE Schoolmaster, having complained that the
whole of his little treatise on the Differential Calculus
was printed bodily in a ponderous "Encyclopædia,” was
told that he was welcome, in his turn, to incorporate the
"Encyclopædia" in the next edition of his own work.
MUSSULMAN OPINION.
A PHILADELPHIA merchant sent a cargo of goods to
Constantinople. After the
After the supercargo had seen the bales
and boxes safely landed, he inquired where they should
be stored. "Leave them here, it won't rain to-night,"
was the reply. "But I dare not leave them so exposed;
some of the goods may be stolen," said the supercargo.
The Mahometan merchant satirically replied, "Don't be
alarmed, my friend; there isn't a Christian within a
hundred miles of us."
19
290
JOKES AND JESTS,
WEAR ONE YOURSELF.
A SHREWD Countryman was in town the other day, and
was continually encountered with importunities to buy.
At last, one dirty-looking fellow caught him by the arm,
and clamorously urged him to become a customer.
"Have you any shirts?" inquired the countryman with
a very innocent look. "A splendid assortment, sir.
Step in, sir. Every price, sir, and every style." "Are
they clean?" "To be sure, sir." "Then," replied the
countryman, with perfect gravity, “put on one, for you
need it."
SHORT AND TO THE PURPOSE.
COLERIDGE relates: "I have had a good deal to do
with Jews in the course of my life, although I never.
borrowed any money of them. The other day I was
what you may call floored by a Jew. He passed me
several times, crying for old clothes in the most nasal
and extraordinary tone I ever heard. At last, I was so
provoked, that I said to him: Pray, why can't you say
"old clothes" in a plain way, as I do now? The Jew
stopped, and, looking very gravely at me, said, in a clear
and even fine accent, Sir, I can say "old clothes" as
well as you can; but if you had to say so ten times a
minute, for an hour together, you would say ogh clo as I
do now;' and so he marched off. I was so confounded
with the justice of his retort, that I followed and gave
him a shilling, the only one I had."
TWO HEADS BETTER THAN ONE.
·
THE editor of a newspaper having been troubled by
unpaid and half-paid letters, wrote as follows:-"We
WIT AND HUMOR.
291
cannot impress too strongly upon all correspondents,
when in doubt whether the postage of a letter is a penny
or twopence, the force of the old proverb, Two heads
are better than one.""
CONSCIENTIOUSLY UNCLEAN.
SERVANTS in India, as elsewhere, counterbalance their
usefulness by serious defects. An anecdote quoted in
illustration of this is well known in India. It appears
in the form of a dialogue: "Q.-Boy, how are master's
socks so dirty? A.-I take make e' strain coffee. Q.
What! you dirty wretch, for coffee? A.-Yes, misses;
but never take master's clean e' sock. Master done use,
then I take."
A TERRIBLE DESCENT.
AN opulent tradesman, who had risen from low degree,
and whose education had not been improved with his
fortunes, was once boasting to a gentleman who was
visiting him, and whose name happened to be Lennox,
of the excellence of the system of book keeping which he
had adopted, and particularly of his plan of indexing the
accounts, which enabled him to refer to any one of them
in a moment. Taking the ledger in his hand, he said,
"Look 'ere, sir, you see this hindex: now look you, Mr.
Lennox, s'pose I wanted to find you (running his fingers
over the index) I should go down to hell (1) directly."
A REMOTE REFERENCE.
A TRADESMAN sent to the superintendent of an orphan
asylum for a boy that was good-looking, active, tractable,
industrious, intelligent, pious, modest, and who had no
292
JOKES AND JESTS,
bad habits. The superintendent replied that the boys
in the asylum were all human, though orphans, and
referred the applicant to the "good time coming," for
the sort of boy he wanted.
A HARDENING PROCESS.
A MAN who was married to a shrew, was a passenger
on board a steamboat, the boiler of which burst. Being
asked if he was seriously hurt by the explosion, he replied
that he was not, as he had been blown up so many times
by his wife that he was used to it.
SPARE WIT.
SAM SLICK tells of a girl who was so spare that when
she was absent nobody missed her. "Pharaoh's lean
kine warn't the smallest part of a circumstance to her.
She was so thin, she actilly seemed as if she would have
to lean again the wall to support herself when she scolded,
and I had to look twice at her before I could see her at
all, for I warn't sure she warn't her own shadder."
Another transatlantic writer says, he once courted a
girl who was so thin, that, on the morning she was to be
married, she couldn't be found, and it was only when
the parson said, "Will you have this man?" that they
discovered her by her voice. Her "Yes," seemed to
come out of an almost imperceptible streak of white
muslin which floated beside the bridegroom.
CONGENIAL FRIENDS.
JERROLD once went to a party at which Mr. Pepper
had assembled his friends, and said to his host on enter-
ing the room, "my dear Mr, Pepper, how glad you must
be to see your friends mustered!"
WIT AND HUMOR.
293
MEMORY AT FAULT.
MACKLIN, lecturing one day, boasted that, by his
system of mnemonics, he could learn anything by rote
on once hearing it. Foote, at the close of the lecture,
handed up the following sentences to Macklin, desiring
that he would be good enough to read them, and after…
wards repeat them from memory:-"So she went into
the garden to cut a cabbage-leaf, to make an apple-pie,
and at the same time a great she-bear. coming up the
the street, pops its head into the shop. • What! no
soap? So he died, and she very imprudently married
the barber; and there were present the Picninnies, and
the Joblillies, and the Garycelies, and the Grand Pan-
jandrum himself, with the little round button at top;
and they all fell to playing the game of catch as catch
can, till the gunpowder ran out of the heels of their
boots." Macklin, of course, found it impossible to com-
mit this nonsense to memory, on once reading it, and
was well laughed at.
▾
AT THE SEA-SIDE.
THEODORE HOOK used to find incongruity everywhere.
If the authorities of some of our watering-places had the
same keen sense of the ludicrous, the sea-side would be
often more pleasant than it is. Hook thus improvised
of Harwich:-
Old Harwich stands
Upon two strands,
Between the sea and Stour:
Its round redoubt
Might keep foes out,
If it had a better door.
294
JOKES AND JESTS,
Two harbor lights,
In winter nights,
May tempt a stranger in;
But he'd go, no doubt,
To the right-about,
If he could but see the Inn.
Th' assembly-rooms
Are dark as tombs,
But the Church is light and gay,
With Epitaphs,
At which one laughs,
Like the moral of a play.
The Market's shut,
The Prison's not,
The Gardens smell of Lobskouse;
We could not pass,
For the length of the grass,
The door of the Custom-house.
Indeed, if mowed,
Each street a load
Would yield of excellent hay;
But the Esplanade,
To those who can wade,
Is passable half the day.
In the library
No books there be,
:
But a harpsichord out of tune;
Toys, bonnets, lace,
器
​WIT AND HUMOR.
295
An Alderman's face,
And a plaster Laocoon.
The harbor's view
Is fine, 'tis true,
If you knew but where it lay;
For the houses are placed,
With such excellent taste,
That they all look the other way.
From filthy slips,
You may see the ships,
We counted just thirteen;
Two in the flood,
Five in the mud,
And six in quarantine.
From Mistley Hall
'Tis what they call
About ten miles in a carriage;
But as long as I may
At Mistley stay,
Be hang'd if I go to Harwich.
A GREAT MISTAKE.
ONE evening there came to supper at Sydney Smith's
house, in Orchard street, Sir James Mackintosh, bring-
ing with him a Scotch cousin, an ensign in a Highland
regiment. On hearing the name of his host, he turned
round, and nudging Sir James, whispered, "Is that the
great Sir Sudney?" "Yes, yes," said Sir James, much
amused, and, giving Mr. Smith the hint, he instantly
296
JOKES AND JESTS,
assumed the military character, performed the part of
the hero of Acre to perfection, fought all his battles
over again, and showed how he had charged the Turks,
to the infinite delight of the young Scotchman (who
was quite enchanted with the kindness and condescen-
sion of "the great Sir Sudney," as he called him) and
to the absolute torture of the other guests, who were
bursting with suppressed laughter at the scene before
them. Nothing would serve the young Highlander, but
setting off, at twelve o'clock at night, to fetch the piper
of his regiment to pipe to "the great Sir Sudney," who
said he had never heard the bagpipes. Upon this, the
party broke up, and dispersed instantly, for Sir James
said his Scottish cousin would infallibly cut his throat
if he discovered his mistake. A few days afterwards,
when Sir James Mackintosh and his Scotch cousin were
walking in the streets, they met Mr. Sydney Smith with
his wife on his arm. He introduced her, upon which
the Scotch cousin said in a low voice to Sir James,
and looking at Mrs. Sydney, "I did na ken the great
Sir Sudney was married." "Why, no," said Sir James,
a little embarrassed, "not exact-ly-married,—only an
Egyptian slave he brought over with him; Fatima-
you know-you understand." Mrs. Smith was long
known in the little circle as Fatima.
ONE FAILING CORRECTED BY ANOTHER.
WHEN General Lee was a prisoner at Albany he dined
at the house of an Irish gentleman. Before commencing
the after-dinner pastime of wine-drinking, the general
said to his host, that he hoped he would excuse a fault
of his, after drinking, which he was sorry to say was a
WIT AND HUMOR.
297
"By all
tendency to abuse Ireland and Irishmen.
means,” replied the host, "I will excuse your fault; but
I must also beg of you to excuse a parallel defect in
myself. Whenever I hear a man abuse my country, I
have a trick of cracking his head with my shillalegh!"
The general drank his wine, but never said a word about
Ireland that evening.
AN OLD STORY.
A GENTLEMAN bathing in the sea, unexpectedly met
his lawyer in the briny element, and asked him whether
he had taken proceedings against a certain debtor. The
lawyer replied in the affirmative, and dived out of sight.
When the gentleman received his lawyer's bill, he found
among the charges the following: "To consultation at
sea about J-
D— 6s. 8d.
EQUIVALENT TO THE OTHER.
A WHITE man sued a black man in a Free State, and
while the trial was proceeding the litigants came to an
amicable settlement. The counsel for the plaintiff
announced this circumstance to the court.
"The agree-
"We have
ment must be in writing," said the judge.
it here in black and white," replied the counsel, pointing
to the parties; "what more is necessary."
EMPLOYING A DEPUTY.
A DR. ERLANGEN used to be fond of prescribing exer-
cise and fresh air for his patients, to whom he gave as
little physic as possible. Sometimes the doctor would
take a patient out for a ride, and on one of these occasions
a brother physician expostulated with him, saying,
"That is a thing I never do.” "No," replied Dr.
(6
298
JOKES AND JESTS,
Erlangen, "I am aware of it; the undertaker does it
for you."
TRUE IN MANY CASES.
AN American authoress, who has passed the age when
fortuneless ladies are likely to obtain husbands, describes
a wife as "a servant of all work, who lets herself for life,
without wages.
وو
A STAKEHOLDER.
A MAN was staggering about a racecourse, and occa-
sionally catching hold of the posts to prevent himself
from falling, when a friend, observing his inebriation,
asked what was the matter? "Why-hic-why, the fact
is-hic-a lot of my friends have been betting liquor
on the race to-day, and they have got me to hold the
stakes."
SEEING SOMETHING.
A CAUTIOUS witness in an assault case said he did not
see the accused strike the complainant, but he saw him
take away his hand very quick, and that the complain-
ant immediately fell.
A YOUTHFUL REASONER.
"PAPA (said a little urchin five years of age) didn't
you whip me once for biting Tommy?"-"Yes, my
child; you hurt him much."-" Well, then, Papa, you
ought to whip sister's music-teacher, too, for he bit sis-
ter, yesterday,, right on the mouth; and I knew it hurt
her, because she put her arms round his neck, and tried
to choke him."
A FRIENDLY PORTRAIT.
LORD BROUGHAM once facetiously defined a lawyer
WIT AND HUMOR.
299
thus: "A learned gentleman, who rescues your estate
from your enemies, and keeps it himself."
A CLIMAX.
A YOUNG lady who has enjoyed every kind of love,
gives the following as the result of her experience:-
"The sweetest love is a mother's love; the longest, a
brother's love; the strongest a woman's love, the dear-
est, a man's love; and the sweetest, longest, strongest,
dearest love a 'love of a bonnet.""
LOGICAL NONSENSE.
DURING a learned lecture by a German adventurer, he
illustrated the glory of mechanics as a science, thus:
"De ting dat is made is more superior dan de maker.
I show you how in some tings. Suppose I make de
round wheel of de coach. Ver' well; dat wheel roll
round five hundred mile-and I cannot roll one myself!
Suppose I am a cooper, what you call, and I make de
big tub to hold wine. He holds tuns and gallons; and
I cannot hold more than five bottle! So you see dat
what is made is more superior dan the maker."
A STORY OF A BROKEN LEG.
Sir C. J. NAPIER tells the following amusing story of
the breaking and mending of his leg: "When seven-
teen I broke my right leg. At the instant there was
no pain, but, looking down, I saw my foot under my
knee, and the bones protruding; that turned me sick,
and the pain became violent. My gun, a gift from my
dear father, was in a ditch, leaping over which had
caused the accident. I scrambled near enough to get it
out, but this lacerated the flesh, and produced much
300
JOKES AND JESTS,
'
extravasated blood. George came to me; he was greatly
alarmed, for I was awfully pale, and we were both
young, he but fifteen. Then came Captain Crawford,
of the Irish Artillery, and I made him hold my foot
while I pulled up my knee, and in that manner set my
leg myself. The quantity of extravasated blood led the
doctors to tell me my leg must come off, but they gave
me another day for a chance. Being young, and
vain of good legs, the idea of hop and go one, with a
timber toe, made me resolve to put myself to death
rather than submit to amputation, and I sent the
maid out for laudanum, which I hid under my pillow.
Luckily, the doctors found me better, and so saved me
from a contemptible action. Perhaps, if it had come
to the point, I might have had more sense and less
courage than I gave myself credit for in the horror of
my first thoughts; indeed, my agony was great, and
strong doses of the laudanum were necessary to keep
down the terrible spasms which the fractures of
large bones produce. The doctors set my leg crooked,
and at the end of a month, when standing up, my feet
would not go together. One leg went in pleasant har-
mony with the other half-way between knee and ankle,
but then flew off in a huff, at a tangent. This made me
very unhappy, and the doctors said, if I could bear the
pain, they would break it again, or bend it straight.
My answer was, I will bear anything but a crooked leg.
Here, then, was I, at seventeen, desperately in love with
a Miss Massey, having a lame leg in prospective, and in
love with my leg also; so I said to the leg carpenter,
'Let me have one night for consideration.' All that
WIT AND HUMOR.
301
day and night were Miss Massey's pretty eyes before
mine, but not soft and tale telling; not saying, Pig,
will you marry me? but scornfully squinting at
my lame leg. There was Miss Massey, and there was I,
unable to do anything but hop. The per contra were
two ill-looking doctors torturing me, and the reflection
that they might again make a crooked job after the
second fracture, as they had done after the first! How-
ever, my dear Miss Massey's eyes carried the day, and
just as I had decided, she and her friend, Miss Vande.
leur, came in the dusk, wrapped up in men's great coats,
to call on me. This was just like th pluck of a pretty
Irish girl, and quite repaid my courageous resolve. I
would have broken all my bones for her. So, after let-
ting me kiss their hands, off my fair incognitas went,
leaving me the happiest of lame dogs. The night passed
with many a queer feel about the doctors coming, like
devil imps, to torture me. Be quick,' quoth I, as they
entered; 'make the most of my courage while it lasts.'
It took all that day and part of the next to bend the leg
with bandages, which were tied to a wooden bar, and
tightened, every hour, day and night. I fainted several
times, and when the two tormentors arrived next day,
after breakfast, I struck my flag, saying, 'Take away
your bandages, for I can bear no more.'
They were
taken off, and I felt in heaven-not the less so that the
leg was straight; and it is now as straight a one, I flatter
myself, as ever bore up the body of a gentleman, or
kicked a blackguard. There was in Limerick a great
coarse woman, wife of Dr.-
When she heard of my
misfortune, she said, 'Poor boy! I suppose a fly kicked
6
302
JOKES AND JESTS,
his spindle shanks.' Being a little fellow then-though
now, be it known, five feet seven inches and a half high
-this offended me greatly; and, as the Lord would have
it, she broke her own leg just as I was getting well.
Going to her house with an appearance of concern, I
told the servant how sorry I was to hear that a bullock
had kicked Mrs. and hurt its leg very much, and
that I had called to know if her leg was also hurt. She
never forgave me.”
—
NOT QUITE ON AN EQUALITY.
Two conceited young authors were boasting that they
rowed in the same boat with a celebrated wit of the
day. "Ay,” replied Jerrold, "but not with the same
skulls."
A DIP.
"HAVE you any railway shares?" said Jerrold to a
friend. "No," was the reply.
“When a river of gold
is running by your door," replied Jerrold, "why not
put out your hat and take a dip?"
JEST AND EARNEST.
HORNER, one of Sydney Smith's Edinburgh friends,
loved truth so much that he could not bear any jesting
on important subjects. One evening, Lord Dudley and
Smith pretended to justify the conduct of the govern-
ment in stealing the Danish fleet. They carried on the
argument with some wickedness against their graver
friend, who could not stand it, but bolted indignantly
out of the room. They flung up the sash, and with a
loud peal of laughter, professed themselves decided
Scandinavians. They offered him not only the ships,
WIT AND HUMOR.
303
but all the shot, powder, cordage, and even the biscuit,
if he would come back; but nothing could turn him:
it took a fortnight of serious behavior before they
were forgiven.
THE VALUE OF PRETENCE.
SAM SLICK says: "Pretend you know; if it 'aint as
good as knowin', it will serve the same purpose. Many
a feller looks fat who is only swelled, as the Germans
say.'
CRYING FOR A LITTLE.
AN Irishman, who was at the celebrated battle of
Bull's Run, was somewhat startled when the head of his
companion on the left was taken off by a cannon-ball. In
a few minutes, however, a spent ball broke off the finger
of his comrade on the other side. The latter threw
down his gun and howled with pain, when the Irishman
rushed upon him, exclaiming, "You owld woman, sthop
cryin'! You are making more noise about it than the
man who just lost his head!"
THE DANGERS OF STRAGGLING.
JUST before the Federal troops entered Cincinnati,
during the late Civil War, an Indiana regiment, worn
out by a long march on a sultry day, straggled along
with but little regard to order. Hurrying up to his
men, the captain shouted, "Close up, close up. If the
enemy were to fire when you're straggling along that
way, they couldn't hit a cussed one of you! Close up!"
The ranks closed up immediately.
NOT A BAD DEFINITION.
Two men, talking of steam, were unable to command
304
JOKES AND JESTS,
+
words to define that of which they spoke. "Steam,"
said one of them, "is steam." A sailor, who overheard
them, interposed with the following definition: "Steam
is a bucket of water in a tremendous perspiration."
NOTES BY THE WAY.
THERE is a germ of true philosophy in the following
from Sam Slick: "Them that have more than their share
of one thing, commonly have less of another. Where
there is great strength, there 'aint apt to be much
gumption. A handsome man, in a gineral way, 'aint
much of a man. A beautiful bird seldom sings. Them
that have genius seldom have common sense. A feller
with one idea grows rich, while he who calls him a fool,
dies poor.
WIDOWS.
WIDOWS have always had the reputation of being suc-
cessful anglers of husbands. They are irresistible when
pretty, and often hook their prey when they are not.
Nothing has, however, been said of them which com-
pares in severity with the remark of an American old
maid, on the consequences, in a matrimonial sense, or •
the American Civil War:-"The curse of this war
(said she) is, that it will make so many widows, who will
be fierce to get married, and who know how to do it.
Modest girls will have no chance at all.”
THE PRIDE OF A GENTLEMAN.
A GOVERNOR of Williamsburg, in the time of British
rule in America, returned the salute of a negro who was
passing. "Sir," said a gentleman present, "do you con-
descend to salute a slave?" "Why, yes," replied the
WIT AND HUMOR.
305
Governor, "I cannot suffer a man of his condition to be
better mannered than myself."
EXCHANGING THEIR SENTIMENTS.
PROFESSOR EVERETT was entertained at a public din-
der, before leaving Boston for England to assume the
duties of a minister at the English Court. The cele-
brated Judge Story, who was present on the occasion,
gave as a sentiment "Genius is sure to be recognized
where Ever-ett goes.
Everett gratefully responded
with another sentiment, "Law, Equity, and Jurispru-
dence; no efforts can raise them above one Story."
""
FINELY SET.
Ar a lecture of Bayard Taylor's, a lady wished for a
seat, when a portly, handsome gentleman brought one,
and seated her. "Oh, you're a jewel," said she. "Oh,
no," he replied, "I'm a jeweler-I have just set the
jewel!"
SELF-SUPPORTING.
A BACHELOR, too poor to get married, and yet too sus-
ceptible to let the girls alone, was riding with a lady,
when, growing warm, while conversing with her, he put
an arm around her waist. No objection was made for
a while; but suddenly, either because the impropriety
of the thing dawned upon her, or because another gen-
tleman was in sight, the lady started, and with flashing
eyes exclaimed: "Mr. B., I can support myself!"
Capital," was the instant reply, "you are just the girl
I have been looking for these five years-will you marry
66
me?"
20
306
JOKES AND JESTS,
CONTEMPT OF ELDON.
HAYDON learned from C the whole story of his
committal. He ran away with a ward in Chancery.
Lord Eldon said, "It was a shame that men of low fam-
ily should thus entrap ladies of birth." "My lord,” said
C- "my family were ancient, and were neither
coal-heavers nor coal-heavers' nephews," in allusion to
Lord Eldon's origin. For this Eldon committed him.
Every apology was offered, but Eldon never forgave it.
On Lord Brougham's accession he petitioned, and by a
special order was discharged.
A PROPOSED CHANGE.
THE following anecdote, illustrative of the Premier's
tact and love of fun, is too good to be lost. During his
visit to Glasgow, the workingmen of the city formed a
deputation to present his lordship with an address.
After Lord Palmerston and his suite had retired from
the conference, the Lord Provost of Glasgow, address-
ing the Premier, said, "My lord, it must be a great
bore to receive and hear so many deputations from all
parts of the country." "Oh, yes," said Palnierston,
"but it is my duty, and I get over it very easily. How-
ever, I have had some very curious deputations wait on
me in my time. You all remember the Rugely tragedy,
where Palmer poisoned Cook with strychnine. Well,
what d'ye think? A deputation of the principal inhabit-
ants came up to me, praying that I would give my con-
sent to changing the name of the town, as it had become
infamous through the murder. After talking to them
for a few minutes, I said, 'Gentlemen, the town belongs
to so-and-so, who would require to be consulted.' The
WIT AND HUMOR.
307
deputation thought I could settle the matter at once. I
then asked them what they could propose as a new
name, and they left it to me.
So I said, 'In that case,
the only and best name I can suggest is Palmer's town.'
I can tell you that no deputation ever left my room
quicker than they did."
LIVING BY HIS SPECTACLES.
A GENTLEMAN, who is now one of the richest mer-
chants in Paris, was so poor twenty years ago that very
often he was without the means of procuring himself a
dinner. His hopes were, however, inextinguishable,
though the sole capital for investment in daily bread
was a pair of spectacles in gold frames, which he was
obliged to wear on account of being short-sighted. At
times, when the insides of his pockets were as empty
as his stomach, he would enter a restaurant and order a
plentiful dinner. When his hunger was satisfied he
would rise from the table, and, putting his hand in his
pocket, cry out, with well-acted surprise and agitation,
"I have forgotten my purse!" Sometimes the keeper
of the house would be good-natured enough to say,
"Never mind, you will pay me the next time." But if
she became angry and reproached the unfortunate in
terms devoid of compliments, he would say, "Calm
yourself, my good woman; I will leave you a pledge
well worth the value of your dinner;" and, taking off
his spectacles, he would lay them down, and make as if
it were his intention to gain the door. But, alas! he
seemed as though he could no longer find it; he would
tread on a lady's dress, tearing it from the band; stum-
ble against a waiter, upsetting a pile of plates; throw
308
JOKES AND JESTS,
down the chair of an old man who was blowing his soup,
or fall against the panes of glass in the door, all the
time begging a thousand pardons, and laying the blame
on the loss of his spectacles. In this manner he never
failed in securing the pity of all who were present, who
murmured audibly, "Poor man! he will never be able
to find his way home; he will be run over by carriages
at the crossings. It is taking away his eyes to take
away his spectacles." Hearing these murmurs of pity
and indignation, the landlady, fearful of losing her pop-
ularity with her customers, would call back the poor
man, and restore him his spectacles, when he would
depart, promising to send the price of the dinner. He
carefully wrote down all these debts, and when fortune
at length smiled upon him, he scrupulously paid them,
the total number of dinners thus eaten amounting to
one hundred and eighty-three.
BREAKING DOWN.
THE following story is told of a Counsellor who was
taken down very neatly by a witness whom he was brow-
beating. It was necessary to the Counsellor's cause to
make the witness in question, who was an aged man,
break down. The following dialogue ensued: Counsellor:
"How old are you?" Witness: "Seventy-two years."
Counsellor: "Your memory, of course, is not so vivid
as it was twenty years ago?" Witness: "I think it is."
Counsellor: "State some circumstanses which occurred,
say twelve years ago, and we shall be able to judge
whether your memory is unimpaired." Witness: "I
appeal to the court; I refuse to be interrogated in this
manner." The Judge: "You had better answer the
WIT AND HUMOR.
309
(
question." Witness: "Well sir, if you compel me to
do it, I will. About twelve years ago you (addressing
the counsel) studied in Mr. B's office." Counsellor:
"Yes." Witness: "At that time your father came into
my office and said to me, Mr. D., my son is to be
examined to-morrow, and I wish you to lend me five
pounds to buy him a suit of clothes.' I advanced the
money, and from that day to this it has never been
repaid. I remember it as though it was yesterday."
Counsellor: (considerably abashed): "That will do, sir,
you may go down."
}
PERSONS NOT KNOWN.
THE Duke of Wellington was once refused admission
into the Commander-in-Chief's office by a soldier new
to London; and King William the Fourth was kept
waiting outside a certain part of Windsor Castle
through an official's ignorance of the royal identity.
"You can't pass, old 'un," said he; "nobody's allowed
to pass here after dark, except the king and the lamp-
lighter.
""
MAKING SURE OF HIS MEN,
WHEN Cornwallis was in command of the Canada, a
mutiny broke out in the ship, on account of some acci-
dental delay in paying the crew. The men signed a
round robin, wherein they declared that they would not
fire a gun till they were paid. Captain Cornwallis, on
receiving this declaration, caused all hands to be called
on deck, and thus addressed them: My lads, the
money cannot be paid till we return to port; and as to
your not fighting, that is mere nonsense:
I'll clap you
alongside the first large ship of the enemy I see, and I
66
310
JOKES AND JESTS,
know the devil himself will not be able to keep you from
it." The men all returned to their duty, better satisfied
than if they had been paid the money ten times over.
A BARROWFUL OF WIT.
In the days of Charles II., candidates for holy orders
were expected to respond in Latin to the various inter-
rogatories put to them by the bishop or his examining
chaplain. When the celebrated Dr. Isaac Barrow (who
was fellow of Trinity College, and tutor to the immortal
Newton) had taken his bachelor's degree, he presented
himself before the bishop's chaplain, who, with the stiff
stern visage of the times, said to Barrow-
66
66
Quid est fides?" (What is faith?)
Quod non vides" (What thou dost not see), answered
Barrow with the utmost prompitude. The chaplain, a
little vexed at Barrow's laconic answer, continued-
"Quid est spes?" (What is hope?)
(6
Magna res" (A great thing), replied the young can-
didate in the same breath.
"Quid est charitas ?" (What is charity?) was the next
question.
66
Magna raritas" (A great rarity), was again the
prompt reply of Barrow, blending truth and humor with
a precision that staggered the reverend examiner, who
went direct to the bishop and told him that a young Cantab
had thought proper to give rhyming answers to three
several moral questions, and added that he believed his
name was Barrow, of Trinity College, Cambridge.
"Barrow, Barrow!" said the bishop, who well knew the
literary and moral worth of the young Cantab; "if that's
the case, ask him no more questions, for he is much
WIT AND HUMOR.
311
better qualified," continued his lordship, "to examine
us than we him." Barrow received his letters of orders
forthwith.
A-VERSE.
To win the maid the poet tries,
And sonnets writes to Julia's eyes;
She likes verse, but, cruel whim,
She still appears a-verse to him.
COMMON-PLACE.
A HARDY seaman, who had escaped one of the recent
shipwrecks upon our coast, was asked by a good old lady
how he felt when the waves broke over him.
maʼam-very wet.”
WITHOUT A MARK.
"Wet,
DURING one of the battles on the Mississippi, the Con-
federate General Pillow called out in a very solemn
manner to the captain of a company, who was a very
pompous officer, and always rode the tall horse: "Cap-
tain, fire! the crisis has come." The captain coolly turned
to his men, who were standing by their guns shotted and
primed, and simply called out, "Fire!" The men were
slightly surprised at the order, there being no object
within range, when an old gray-headed Irishman stepped
up with, "Plaze yer honor, what shall we fire at?" "Fire
at the crisis," said the captain. "Didn't you hear the
general say it had come."
t
RESIDENTIAL.
FOR the rector in vain through the parish you'll
search,
But the curate you'll find living hard by the church.
312
JOKES AND JESTS,
SOME EVIDENCE.
MR. JUSTICE MAULE would occasionally tax the powers
"Gentlemen," said the
of country juries.
Ex. gr.
know what he
judge, “the learned counsel is perfectly right in his law,
there is some evidence upon that point, but he's a
lawyer, and you're not, and you don't
means by some evidence, so I'll tell you. Suppose there
was an action on a bill of exchange, and six people
swore they saw the defendant accept it, and six others
swore they heard him say he should have to pay it, and
six others knew him intimately, and swore to his hand-
writing; and suppose on the other side they called a
poor old man who had been at school with the defendant
forty years before, and had not seen him since, and he
said he rather thought the acceptance was not his writ-
ing, why there'd be some evidence that it was not, and
that's what Mr. means in the case." Need we add
that the jury retired to consider their verdict?
THE DEBT OF NATURE.
""
AN American editor wants to know, in the first place,
why dying is called "paying the debt of nature; sec-
ondly, when, how, and where babies and grown-up
people got into nature's debt; and thirdly, whether an
enlightened and progressive age will continue to submit
to the merciless exactions of such a creditor. He rec-
ommends that a committee of Congress should be
appointed to confer with nature, and to compel her to
a compromise.
AN INHERITED FAULT.
Mr. COBDEN once asked an American lady why her
WIT AND HUMOR.
313
country could not rest satisfied with the immense unoc-
cupied territories it already possessed, but must ever be
lusting after the lands of its neighbors. The lady
instantly replied, "The propensity is a bad one, I admit;
but we came honestly by it, for we inherit it from you."
ALMOST IN THE PRESENCE OF ROYALTY.
AN American who had returned from Europe, told
his friend that he had been presented at the court there.
"Did you see the Queen?" asked one. "Well, no, I
didn't see her exactly, but I saw one of her friends-a
judge. You see," he continued, "the court I was pre-
sented at happened to be the Central Criminal Court."
A LITERARY DISCUSSION.
A MAN was described in a plea as "I. Jones," and the
pleader referred in another part of the plea to "I” as an
"initial." The plaintiff said the plea was bad, because
"I" was not a name. Sir W. Maule said that there was
no reason why a man might not be christened "1," as
well as Isaac, inasmuch as either could be pronounced
alone. The counsel for the plaintiff then objected that
the plea admitted that "I" was not a name, by describ-
ing it as "an initial." "Yes," retorted the judge, "but it
does not aver that it is not a final as well as an initial
letter."
TOUCH HER NOT.
ARTEMUS WARD gives the following account of his
failure in a little attempt to reorganize his domestic
affairs: "I never attempted to reorganize my wife but
once. I shall never attempt it again. I'd bin to a
public dinner, and had allowed myself to be betrayed
314
JOKES AND JESTS,
:
into drinkin' several people's healths, and wishin' to
make 'em as robust as possible, I continued drinkin'
their healths until my own became affected. Consekens
was, I presented myself at Betsy's bedside late at nite,
with considerable licker concealed about my person. I
had somehow got perseschum of a hosswhip on my way
home, and, rememberin' some cranky observashuns of
Mrs. Ward's in the mornin', I snapt the whip putty
lively, and in a very loud voice I said, Betsy-I con-
tinued crackin' the whip over the bed-I have come to
reorganize you! I dreamed that nite that somebody
laid a hosswhip over me sev'ril conseckootive times; and
when I woke up I found she had.
I found she had. I haint drunk much
of anythin' since, and, if I ever have another reorganizin'
job on hand I shall let it out."
NOTHING IN IT.
As Dick and Tom in fierce dispute engage,
And, face to face, the noisy contest wage;
"Don't cock your chin at me," Dick smartly cries.
"Fear not his head's not charged," a friend replies.
HEREDITARY.
WASHINGTON IRVING was one day in company with a
gentleman who, in a thunder storm, declined to take
shelter under a tree, having, as he said, promised his
father, who had been once struck by lightning, never to
run this risk: "Oh," said Washington Irving, "that
makes all the difference. If it is hereditary, and light-
ning runs in the family, you do right to shun the tree."
A DIFFERENCE.
A CERTAIN dramatic translator, introducing a well-
WIT AND HUMOR.
315
known comedian to Madame Vestris, said: "Madame
this is Mr. B——————, who is not such a fool as he looks."
"True, madame," said the comedian; "and that is the
great difference between me and my friend."
TAKING IT AS A COMPLIMENT.
A YOUNG lady from the country visiting Chicago in
the company of her lover, got into one of the city cars
for a ride. The vehicle had not gone far when the con-
ductor, approaching the maiden, said, affably, "Your
fare, miss." The lady blushed and looked down in con-
fusion. The conductor repeated, "Your fare, miss,"
and the lady blushed more deeply, and played with the
tip of her parasol. By this time the conductor began
to look foolish, for he did not comprehend the maiden.
After a pause, he again repeated the demand, "Miss,
your fare."
In a moment the lady's eyes looked up
into his, and she exclaimed remonstratingly-" Well,
they dew say I'm good-looking at hum, but I don't see
why you want to say it out loud!" It is impossible to
describe the cachination which followed. The young
beauty at length learned that the conductor, though he
spoke softly, had not intended to compliment her, and
paid her fare and disappeared.
WAS HE EXASPERATED?
THE late Lord Abinger, when at the bar, had to cross-
examine a witness whose evidence it was thought would
he very damaging, unless he could be bothered a little,
and his only vulnerable point was said to be his self-
The witness presented himself in the box-a
portly overdressed person, and Scarlett took him in
esteem.
316
JOKES AND JESTS,
1
hand. Q-Mr. John Tompkins, I believe? A. Yes.
Q.-You are a stock-broker? A.-I ham! Scarlett
regarded him attentively for a few moments, and then
said: "And a very fine, well-dressed ham you are, sir!"
The shout of laughter which followed completely discon-
certed the witness, and the counsel's point was gained.
SUITABLE.
WHEN dress'd for the evening the girls now-a-days
Scarce an atom of dress on them leave.
Nor blame them; for what is an evening dress.
But a dress that is suited for Eve?
NOT TO BE ENLIGHTENED.
DURING the period Sir Busick Harwood was professor
of anatomy in the university of Cambridge, he was
called in, in a case of some difficulty, by the friends of
a patient, who were anxious for his opinion of the malady.
Being told the name of the medical man who had pre-
viously prescribed, Sir Busick exclaimed, "He! if he
were to descend into the patient's stomach with a candle
and lantern, when he ascended he would not be able to
name the complaint."
ON MICHAELMAS DAY.
FIVE thousand geese this day are doomed to die;
What dreadful havoc 'mongst society!
THE PROVINCE OF THE JURY.
A GARRULOUS and somewhat bombastic judge, who
was apt to "multiply words without wisdom," and a
little too anxious to appear to be impartial to be always
clear, was one day summing up the evidence in a case
WIT AND HUMOR.
317
of felony, when, having expressed a very strong convic-
tion that the evidence made out the guilt of the prisoner,
he concluded by saying, "But, gentlemen, I have noth-
ing to do with the verdict but to receive it. The wise
and salutary laws of England impose upon me one duty,
and upon you another. It is for me to expound the
law, and pronounce its penalties. The facts are entirely
for you; it is for you to consider the evidence and
return the verdict. That is no business of mine." After
a long consultation the jury, to the surprise of every
body in court, and manifestly of the judge, found a
verdict of not guilty. "Gentlemen of the jury," said
the judge, knitting his brows into an expression of
great severity, "that verdict is yours, not mine."
Exactly so,” replied the foreman, a dapper looking
tradesman, "your lordship told us that it was your
business to lay down the law, and our business to con-
sider the evidence; and as you had no business with the
evidence, we thought we'd take no notice of what you
said, but just take our own course, and give our own
verdict."
(6
"DEAD, FOR A DUCAT, DEAD.”
A NEGRO, being struck on the side of his head by a
rotten tomato thrown by a mischievous boy, placed his
hand on the spot, and finding some red liquid, which
he supposed to be blood, trickling down, dropped upon
the pathway, exclaiming in the anguish of his heart,
"I'se a dead nigger dis time, sure!"
NOT A SOLITARY.
Hook was once observed, during dinner, nodding like
318
JOKES AND JESTS,
a Chinese mandarin in a tea-shop. On being asked the
reason, he replied, "Why, when no one else asks me to
take champagne, I take sherry with the epergne, and
bow to the flowers."
GEOLOGICAL AND POETICAL.
SAM SLICK says: "I never heard of secondary forma-
tions without pleasure, that's a fact. The ladies, you
know, are the secondary formations, for they were formed
after man." Burns says much the same thing, though
without a thought of geology in his poetical head:
"She tried her 'prentice han' on man,
And then she made the lasses, oh."
JOHNSON COMPLIMENTARY.
In spite of the ill-founded contempt Dr. Johnson pro-
fessed to entertain for actors, he persuaded himself to
treat Mrs. Siddons with great politeness, and said, when
she called on him at Bolt Court, Frank, his servant, not
being able immediately to provide her with a chair,
“You see, madam, wherever you go, there are no seats
to be got."
BURNING LOVE.
RUSTICUS Wrote a letter to his love,
And filled it full of warm and keen desire;
He hoped to raise a flame, and so he did—
The lady put his nonsense in the fire.
LEADING THE WAY.
و,
A STONEMASON, driving a heavily-laden cart, overtook a
doctor's boy on horseback: "Hallo, what do you carry,'
said he. "Medicines," was the reply. "Go-a-head,"
returned the mason, "I carry gravestones."
WET AND HUMOR.
319
sad side of life. (6
IN TOTAL DARKNESS.
An old lady was in the habit of talking to Jerrold in
a gloomy depressing manner, presenting to him only the
Hang it!" said Jerrold, one day, after
a long and somber interview, "she wouldn't allow there
was a bright side to the moon."
A WELCOME VISITOR.
MR. LINCOLN, as President of the United States, was
necessarily bored by all sorts of people calling upon him
-some to ask for places or favors, and many to give
him gratuitous advice. An officer of the Government
called one day at the White House, and introduced a
clerical friend, the Rev. Mr. F., who, he said, was anxious
to see and converse with the president. Mr. Lincoln
shook hands with the Rev. Mr. F., and desiring him to
be seated, took a seat himself; and, his countenance
having assumed an air of patient waiting, he said: “I
am ready to hear what you have to say." "I have noth-
ing especially to say," replied Mr. F., "I merely called
to pay my respects to you, and, as a citizen, to assure
you of my admiration and sympathy." " My dear sir,"
said the president, rising, and with both hands grasping
the hands of his visitor, "I am very glad to see you,
indeed. I thought you had come to preach to me!"
MENTAL ABSTRACTION.
"PUNCH” lately called attention to a common form
of "mental abstraction:" "Stealing the ideas of others,
and fancying that they are your own." This is not pecu-
liarly a disease of authors; it is said by well-informed
persons that it extensively prevails among popular
preachers.
320
JOKES AND JESTS.
GIVING AND TAKING.
"I NEVER give a kiss," says Prue,
"To naughty man; for I abhor it."
She will not give a kiss, 'tis true,
She'll take one, though, and thank you for it.
MONEY MAKING.
"Is this good money?" said a man 'to a suspicious.
looking wag, who had made some small purchase of him.
"It ought to be good, for I made it myself," was the
answer. Upon this, the questioner proposed to give the
man into custody for coining; but he explained, in his
defense, that he made the money by fiddling.
A GOOD STROKE.
CHARLES II., playing at tennis with a dignified prebend,
who had struck the ball well, exclaimed, "That's a good
stroke for a dean." "I'll give it the stroke of a bishop,
if your majesty pleases," was the rejoinder.
SLANDEROUS.
WHILE Adam slept, from him his Eve arose:
Strange! his first sleep should be his last repose.
NOTHING BUT FUN IN HIM.
An author, who spins out his brains in webs of fun
for the amusement of others, gives a catalogue of the
miseries which his reputation imposes upon him:-
Repeatedly being called upon, in the midst of a strange
party, to "say something funny." Having half a dozen
scrap-books put into your hand for "an impromptu.”
Being the especial confidant of everybody's bad jokes.
Making desperate love to a pretty girl, who only laughs,
WIT AND HUMOR.
321
and says, “La! Mr. Smith, you're always joking." Being
always saluted, as you go into a room, with "Bravo!
Here's Smith; now we shall have something good."
Hearing mothers continually saying to their daughters,
"My dear, you must not believe a word he says."
AN EXTENSIVE TRADER.
A GENTLEMAN observing the name of a clergyman in
the Gazette, as a bankrupt, expressed his astonishment,
and inquired, "What article could he deal in?" To
which a wag replied, "What article? why in no fewer
than thirty-nine!"
AN INDEFINITE MAN.
OBJECTING to Thomas Carlyle, that he did not give
definite suggestions for the improvement of the age which
he rebuked, Jerrold said, "Here is a man who beats a
big drum under my windows, and when I come running
down stairs has nowhere for me to go."
FASHION'S LOGIC.
THE gentlemen who dine the latest,
Are, in our street, esteemed the greatest:
Then, surely, greater than them all
Is he who never dines at all.
TRACING A LIKENESS.
t
DON'T you think my son resembles me?" inquired
an apothecary, as he introduced his greasy-faced boy to
the witty Dr. H. "Yes," replied the doctor, pretending
to scan the physiognomy of each; "yes, I think I see
your liniments in his countenance."
21
322
JOKES AND JESTS,
ONLY T' WADDLE.
A LADY having spoken sharply to Dr. Parr, apologized
by saying, "It is the privilege of women to talk non-
sense." "No, madam, it is not their privilege, but their
infirmity. Ducks would walk if they could, but Nature
suffers them only to waddle."
A CONSIDERATE SWEEP.
DURING a theatrical engagement at Manchester,
Kemble and Lewis were walking one day along the
street, when a chimney-sweeper and his boy came up.
The boy stared at them with open mouth, and exclaimed,
"They be play-actors." "Hold your tongue, you dog,"
said the old sweep; "you don't know what you may
come to yourself."
THE VOICE OF THE SEX.
THE late Charles Wynn, M. P., known in the House
of Commons as "Squeak," had a feeble, piping voice.
Happening, for some reason, to be put in the same
room with a blind old gentleman whom he did not
know, he made the remark to him, "Very fine weather,
sir." "Very fine, indeed, ma'am," rejoined the other.
SHORT WITTED.
SOME one told Foote that the Rockingham ministry
were at their wits' end, and quite tired out. "It could
not have been with the length of the journey," he
replied.
BALDNESS ACCOUNTED FOR.
ALL the hairs of Tom's head have quite left it of late!
Yes, they wisely withdrew from so foolish a pate!
WIT AND HUMOR.
323
TAKING HIS MEASURE.
A MAN who was equally fond of spouting and drink-
ing, was boasting that he could bring an argument to a
p'int as quick as any other man. "You can bring a
quart to pint a good deal quicker,” replied his friend.
EPITAPH FOR CHARLES KNIGHT.
"GOOD night."-Douglas Jerrold.
A PORTRAIT FROM THE LIFE.
SOME one, speaking of the coolness of a man who
rather plumed himself upon being a good fellow, and
was always chuckling and grinning, Jerrold exclaimed:
-"He would eat oysters while his neighbor's house was
in flames-always providing that his own was insured.
Coolness!—he's a piece of marble carved into a broad
grin."
DOMESTIC DEVOTION.
DICK told his spouse, "He durst be bold to swear,
Whate'er she prayed for, Heaven would thwart her
prayer."
"Indeed," says Nell, "'tis what I'm pleased to hear,
For now I'll pray for your long life, my dear."
A THOUGHTFUL ANSWER.
A TEACHER in a Sunday-school was examining a class
of little boys from a Scripture catechism. The first
question was, "Who stoned Stephen?" Ans. The
Jews." Second question, "Where did they stone him?"
A. Beyond the limits of the city." Third question,
Why did they take him beyond the limits of the city?"
was not in the book, and proved a poser to the whole
(6
324
JOKES AND JESTS,
class: it passed from head to foot without an answer
being attempted. At length a little fellow who had
been scratching his head all the while, looked up, and
said, "Well, I don't know, unless it was to get a fair
fling at him!"
4
VERDICTS.
THE character and motives of juries differ widely in
different places. There is one of the home counties
where there has been no conviction of murder for thirty
years, and yet murders have been committed, and in
several instances they have been traced home to the
parties with a clearness that would have satisfied almost
any jury which it would be possible to impanel in the
metropolis. A woman was charged with poisoning her
husband. There was ample evidence that death was
caused by an irritant poison, regularly administered in
small doses; and it was proved that the wife, who alone
waited upon her husband during his illness, and whose
anxiety for his death was beyond all question, had on
several occasions purchased poison of the same descrip-
tion as that which was traced in the viscera of her hus-
band after his death. No similar poison was, however,
found in the house. The jury, in opposition to the
judge's summing up, returned a verdict of acquittal.
One of their members afterwards said that they gave
this verdict because no one had seen the accused admin-
ister the poison. In another case, a laborer was charged
with the murder of a policeman. The evidence was
entirely circumstantial, but there was not a missing link
in the chain of circumstances, and there was evidence
that the man had threatened the life of the constable,
WIT AND HUMOR.
325
whose vigilance was a check upon his predatory
habits. The theory of the prosecuting counsel-justified
by
the evidence—was that the policeman met the accused
in a field, with a basket containing the proceeds of a
robbery just committed, and was taking him into cus-
tody when the other turned upon and slew him. The
jury returned a verdict of not guilty. It afterwards
turned out that they adopted the theory of the prosecu-
tion, and acquitted the accused because he had received
provocation.
A PLACE UNDER GOVERNMENT.
A PLACE under Government
Was all that Paddy wanted;
He married soon a scolding wife,
And thus his wish was granted.
THE BONDS OF SOCIETY.
JERROLD says, "Lies are a sort of wooden pegs that
keep the world together as if it were a box; nice little
things, so let into the work as never to be seen. Take
out the pegs, and O how the box would tumble to
pieces.".
AN EXTRAVAGANT STORY.
A STORY is told of one Isaac Johnstone, who stole a
pair of India rubber suspenders from a store. If the name
of the owner of the store had been given by the journalist
who tells the story, we should have said that it was
a very neat thing in advertising. Johnstone put the
suspenders in his pocket without unhooking them from
the nail on which they hung, and when he got home he
was showing them to his wife when they slipped from
326
JOKES AND JESTS,
4
}
his fingers, and flew back to the store with such force that
they killed the clerk, and made havoc in the store.
A BURNING TIMEPIECE.
A FARMER whose buxom daughter received the visits
of a lover who was wont to stay rather late, on retiring
to bed one night put a log of wood on the fire, and as he
left the room, said, "There, Betty, when the log is
burned it is time for James to go home."
A WEAK INVENTION.
THE keeper of a luncheon bar, a careful man, one day
broke a tumbler. He stood for a moment gazing at the
fragments, with a pained look, as though sudden ruin
had happened to him; and then, turning to the barman,
said, "Tom, put a pint of water into the old Cognac."
THE DEEPEST SATISFACTION.
"WELL, Wakley, have you arranged that little affair
with R "said Jerrold, then editor of the Ballot
newspaper, to Mr. Thomas Wakley, its proprietor.
"Yes," replied Mr. Wakley; "I paid him £10, and he
is perfectly satisfied." "You have satisfied R
rejoined Jerrold, "then you have filled up the bottom-
less pit.'
THE VALUE OF AN IRISH CORONET.
""
LORD NORTH, in 1776, said to a Welsh baronet, “I
cannot advise his Majesty to allow you a private
entrance to your house in St. James' Place through the
Green Park, but I will get him instead to create you an
Irish peer." After some hesitation as to the value of
the equivalent offered, the matter was compromised on
WIT AND HUMOR.
327
these terms, and Sir Richard Phillipps, of some un-
Hibernian place in Pembrokeshire, was straightway
gazetted "Lord Milford in the Peerage of Ireland, with
remainder to the heirs male of his body." We are con-
tinually reading of individuals who, unable to effect an
entrance into the British House of Peers, were forced to
content themselves with an Irish coronet. At the time
of the Union, English gentlemen, by shoals, were
created peers of Ireland, and peers of Ireland in their
turn were advanced in "batches" of no small numerical
amount to the peerage of England.
THE AGE OF SEEMING.
"THE present age," writes Douglas Jerrold, "judges
of the condition of men as we judge of the condition of
cats-by the sleekness, the gloss of their coats. Hence,
in even what is called a respectable walk of life, with
men of shallow pockets, it is of the first importance that,
if they would obtain three hundred per annum, they
should look as if they were in receipt of seven."
WHY SO MANY PEOPLE KILL TIME.
OLD Time kills us all,
Rich, poor, great and small;
And 'tis therefore we rack our invention,
Throughout all our days,
In finding out ways
To kill him by way of prevention.
ON THE MARRIAGE OF ANNE
WITH A LAWYER.
ANNE is an angel! what if so she be?
What is an Angel* but a lawyer's fee?
* An old English gold coin, of the value of 6s. 8d.
328
JOKES AND JESTS,
PRESIDENT LINCOLN AND THE SPIRITS.
Ir is stated on the authority of the Boston Evening
Gazette, that Abraham Lincoln once gave a Spiritual
soiree at the Presidential residence to test the wonder-
ful alleged supernatural powers of one Mr. Charles E.
Shockle. The party consisted of the President, Mrs.
Lincoln, Mr. Welles, Mr. Stanton, and two other gen-
tlemen. For some half-hour the demonstrations were
of a physical character tables were moved, and a pic-
ture of Henry Clay, which hangs on the wall, was
swayed more than a foot, and two candelabra, presented
by the Dey of Algiers to President Adams, were twice
raised nearly to the ceiling. At length loud rappings
were heard directly beneath the President's feet, and Mr.
Shockle stated that an Indian desired to communicate.
"I shall be happy to hear what his Indian majesty has
to say," replied the President, "for I have recently
received a deputation of our red brethren, and it was the
only delegation, black, white, or blue, which did not vol-
unteer some advice about the conduct of the war. The
medium then called for a pencil and paper, which were
laid upon the table, and afterwards covered with a hand-
kerchief. Presently knocks were heard, and the paper was
uncovered. To the surprise of all present, it read as
follows: "Haste makes waste, but delays cause vexa-
tions. Give vitality by energy. Use every means to
subdue. Proclamations are useless. Make a bold front,
and fight the enemy; leave traitors at home to the care
of the loyal men. Less note of preparation, less parade
and policy-talk, and more action-HENRY KNOX."
"That is not Indian talk, Mr. Shockle," said the Presi-
""
WIT AND HUMOR.
329
dent. "Who is Henry Knox? The medium, speaking
in a strange voice, replied, "The first Secretary of War."
"Oh, yes; General Knox," said the President. Stan-
ton, that message is for you; it is from your predecessor.
I should like to ask General Knox to tell us when this
rebellion will be put down." The answer was oracu-
larly indefinite. The spirit said that Napoleon thought
one thing, Lafayette another, and that Franklin differed
from both. "Ah," exclaimed the President, "opinions
differ among the saints as well as among the sinners.
Their talk is very much like the talk of my cabinet. I
wish the spirits would tell us how to catch the Ala-
bama?" The lights almost instantaneously became șo
dim that it was impossible to distinguish the features
of any one in the room, and on the large mirror over
the mantlepiece, there appeared a sea-view, the Alabama,
with all steam up, flying from the pursuit of another
large steamer. Two merchantmen in the distance were
seen partially destroyed by fire. The picture changed,
and the Alabama was seen at anchor under the shadow of
an English fort, from which an English flag was flying.
The Alabama was floating idly, not a soul on board, and
no signs of life visible about her. The picture van-
ished, and, in letters of purple, appeared, "The American
people demand this of the English aristocracy." "So
England is to seize the Alabama, finally?" said the
President. "It may be possible, but, Mr. Welles, don't
let one gunboat or one monitor less be built. Well,
Mr. Shockle," continued he, "I have seen strange
things, and heard rather odd remarks, but nothing that
convinces me, except the pictures, that there is anything
$30
JOKES AND JESTS,
""
very heavenly about all this. I should like, if possible,
to hear what Judge Douglas says about this war.'
After an interval of about three minutes, Mr. Shockle
rose quickly from his chair, and stood behind it. Rest-
ing his left arm on the back, his right thrust into his
bosom, he spoke in a voice such as no one could mistake
who had ever heard Mr. Douglas. He urged the Pres-
ident to throw aside all advisers who hesitated about
the policy to be pursued, and said that if victory were
followed up by energetic action, all would be well. "I
believe that," said the President, "Whether it comes
from spirit or human. It did not need a ghost from
'the bourne from whence no traveler returns' to tell
that."
THE RAINY DAY.
A GENTLEMAN traveling in one of the Southern States
of America, during a storm, took shelter in the cabin
of a negro, through the broken roof of which the rain
poured down in torrents. “ Why don't you mend your
roof, Cuff?" said the gentleman. "Oh, um rain so,
massa, can't,” said the negro. "But why don't you mend
it when it doesn't rain?" asked the gentleman. "Yah,
massa," said the negro, with a grin, "den um dohn
want mendin'.”
LIVING BY DYING.
I ASSURE you the times are so bad that I can't live,"
said a tippling dyer to his neighbor, a clever and flour-
ishing tradesman. "Ah," replied the other, "that is
because you don't pay attention to your dyeing. If you
would only dye when you drink, you'd be sure to live."
1
WIT AND HUMOR.
331
POWDER STILL IN FASHION.
BEING at a party when the park guns announced the
birth of a prince, Douglas Jerrold exclaimed, "How
they do powder these babies!"
THE SHADOW ON THE BLIND.
MR. FERDINAND PLUM was a grocer by trade,
By attention and tact he a fortune had made;
No tattler, nor maker of mischief was he,
But as honest a man as you'd e'er wish to see.
Of a chapel, close by, he was deacon, they say,
And his minister lived just over the way.
Mr. Plum was retiring to rest one night;
He had just undress'd and put out the light,
And pull'd back the blind
As he peep'd from behind.
('Tis a custom with many to do so you'll find);
When, glancing his eye,
He happened to spy
On the blinds on the opposite side-oh, fie!
Two shadows: each movement of course he could see,
And the people were quarrelling evidently.
"Well I never," said Plum, as he witnessed the strife.
"I declare 'tis the minister beating his wife!"
The minister held a thick stick in his hand,
And his wife ran away as he shook the brand,
Whilst her shrieks and cries were quite shocking to
hear,
And the sounds came across most remarkably clear.
"Well, things are deceiving,
But seeing's believing,""
332
JOKES AND JESTS,
Said Plum to himself, as he turn'd into bed:
CC
Now, who would have thought
That man would have fought,
And beaten his wife on her shoulders and head
With a great big stick,
At least three inches thick?
I am sure her shrieks quite fill'd me with dread.
I've a great mind to bring
The whole of the thing
Before the church members; but, no, I have read
A proverb which says, 'Least said soonest mended.""
And thus Mr. Plum's mild soliloquy ended.
But alas! Mr. Plum's eldest daughter, Miss Jane,
Saw the whole of the scene and could not refrain
From telling Miss Spot, and Miss Spot told again
(Though of course in strict confidence) every one
Whom she happened to know, what the parson had done.
So the news spread abroad, and soon reach'd the ear
Of the parson himself, and he traced it, I hear,
To the author, Miss Jane. Jane could not deny,
But at the same time she begg'd leave to defy
The parson to prove she had utter'd a lie.
A church meeting was called: Mr. Plum made a speech.
He said, "Friends, pray listen awhile, I beseech.
What my daughter has said is most certainly true,
For I saw the whole scene on the same evening too;
But, not wishing to make an unpleasantness rife,
I did not tell even my daughter or wife.
But, of course, as Miss Jane saw the whole of the act,
I think it but right to attest to the fact."
WIT AND HUMOR.
333
ļ
«"Tis remarkably strange!" the parson replied:
"It is plain Mr. Plum must something have spied;
Though the wife-beating story of course is denied.
And in that I can say I am grossly belied."
While he ransacks his brain, and ponders and tries
To recall any scene that could ever give rise
To so monstrous a charge, just then his wife cries,
"I have it, my love: you remember that night
When I had such a horrible, terrible fright.
We both were retiring that evening to rest-
I was seated, my dear, and but partly undress'd-
When a nasty large rat jumped close to my feet:
My shrieking was heard, I suppose, in the street:
You caught up the poker, and ran round the room,
And at last knock'd the rat, and so seal'd its doom.
Our shadows, my love, must have played on the blind;
And this is the mystery solv'd, you will find.”
THE FIRST DROP.
"GENERAL," said an American major, "I always
observe that those persons who have a great deal to say
about being ready to shed their last drop of blood, are
amazin' pertic'lar about the first drop."
COMIC OUT OF SEASON.
TALKING one day of a well-known comic lecturer,
Douglas Jerrold exclaimed, "Egad, sir! that fellow
would vulgarize the day of judgment."
A SINCERE VALENTINE.
(Addressed to a rich widow.)
I WILL not ask if thou canst touch
The tuneful ivory key?
334
JOKES AND JESTS,
!
Those silent notes of thine are such
As quite suffice for me.
I'll make no question if thy skill
The pencil comprehends,
Enough for me, love, if thou still
Canst draw thy dividends.
PITT'S WINE DRINKING.
MR. ROGERS has left these reminiscences of Pitt's
port drinking: "During his boyhood, Pitt was very
weakly; and his physician, Addington (Lord Sidmouth's
father), ordered him to take port wine in large quanti-
ties: the consequence was, that when he grew up he
could not do without it. Lord Grenville has seen him
swallow a bottle of port in tumblersful before going to
the House. This, together with his habit of eating late
suppers (indigestible cold veal pies, etc.), helped,
undoubtedly, to shorten his life. Huskisson, speaking
to me of Pitt, said that his hands shook so much that,
when he helped himself to salt, he was obliged to sup-
port the right hand with the left. Stothard, the painter,
happened to be one evening at an inn on the Kent road,
when Pitt and Dundas put up there on their way from
Walmer. Next morning, as they were stepping into their
carriage, the waiter said to Stothard, "Sir, do you observe
these two gentlemen?" "Yes," he replied, " and I know
them to be Mr. Pitt and Mr. Dundas." "Well, sir
how much wine do you suppose they drank last night?"
Stothard could not guess. "Seven bottles, sir.
AN AWKWARD CONFESSION.
THE following story is told in the Memoirs of Thomas
WIT AND HUMOR.
335
Holcroft. A gentleman in the country having put out
his candle, and being about to get into bed, read in
blazing characters on his curtains, "Confess thy sins;
this night thy soul shall be required of thee." He
immediately fell on his knees, and began to confess his
sins aloud: not, however, from terror, for he was aware
it was the trick of a lively young lady who was staying
in the house, and whom he knew from the sound on the
stair-head, was with some company outside listening.
The gentleman confessed, as the last and greatest of his
sins, that he had seduced this particular young lady,
and declared, if that might be pardoned him, he would
never again be so heinously guilty. The joke was
understood, and the lady laughed at, instead of the gen-
tleman.
THE OMNIPOTENCE OF GOLD.
"HE who has guineas for his subjects," wrote Jerrold,
"is the king of men."
QUICK MARCH.
THE following epigram was addressed to a man who
walked slowly, and ate rapidly:-
So slowly you walk, and so quickly you eat,
You should march with your mouth and devour with
your feet.
POINTING OUT THE WAY.
SIR RICHARD STEELE, in one of his journeys to Scot-
land, soon after he had crossed the Border, near Annan,
observed a shepherd on a hill-side, reading a book. He
and his companions rode up, and one of them asked the
man what he was reading. It proved to be the Bible.
336
JOKES AND JESTS,
"And what do you learn from this book?" asked Sir
Richard. "I learn from it the way to Heaven." "
"Very
well," replied the knight, we are desirous of going to
the same place, and wish you would show us the way."
Then the shepherd, turning about, pointed to a tall and
conspicuous object on an eminence, at some miles' dis-
tance, and said: "Weel, gentlemen, ye maun just gang
by that tower." The party, surprised and amused,
demanded to know how the tower was called.
shepherd answered, "It is the Tower of Repentance.'
It was so in verity. Some centuries ago, a Border cav-
alier, in a fit of remorse, had built a tower, to which he
gave the name of Repentance. It lies near Hoddam
House, in the parish of Cummertrees, rendered by its
eminent situation a conspicuous object to all the coun-
try around.
TRUE.
The
DEAN SWIFT, in his defense of aristocracies, acknowl-
edges that great men are not unfrequently of humble
origin, and says brilliantly, "A pearl holds its value,
though it be found on a dung-hill; only that is not the
most probable place to look for it."
THE PAINTED LADY.
SAY which enjoys the greater blisses,
John, who Dorinda's picture kisses,
Or Tom, his friend, the favor'd elf,
Who kisses fair Dorinda's self?
Faith, 'tis not easy to divine,
While both are thus with raptures fainting,
To which the balance should incline,
Since Tom and John both kiss a painting.
WIT AND HUMOR.
337
Yet John doth this advantage gain-
The picture cannot kiss again.
TOO MUCH WEIGHTED FOR SPEED.
LOUIS V. advanced to the top of the staircase to meet
the great Conde, after the battle of Senef. The prince,
who ascended slowly from the effects of his gout, apolo-
gized to his majesty for making him wait. "My
cousin," was the reply, "do not hurry; no one could
move quickly who was loaded with laurels as you are.”
A ROYAL BEGGAR.
ONE day Jerrold was showing off the acomplishments
of a favorite terrier. "Does he beg?" asked a visitor.
"Beg," replied Jerrold; "ay, like a prince of the blood."
A FAIR CONCLUSION.
WHEN Christina of Sweden came to Paris, the great
ladies of the Court rushing to kiss her on her arrival,
she exclaimed, "Why they seem to take me for a gen-
tleman?"
A WINE CELLAR.
In the last century there was a wine merchant, named
Crouch, who emulated Mr. Vanhorn, who it is said drank
nearly 40,000 bottles of wine in about twenty years.
Crouch's daily quantity was four bottles, and, on convi-
vial occasions he would exceed this. His acquaintances
used to call him "the wine cellar." He died prema-
turely, killed by his potations, and for a long time his
grave was designated "the vineyard.”
LAICAL SUPERSTITION.
It blew a hard storm, and in utmost confusion,
The sailors all hurried to get absolution,
22
338
JOKES AND JESTS,
Which done, and the weight of the sins they'd confessed,
Transferr'd, as they thought, from themselves to the
priest,
To lighten the ship, and from sin set it free,
They tossed the poor parson into the sea.
ON BETTING.
IN the betting-books at White's and Brooke's Clubs,
which still exist, may be found the records of bets on all
conceivable subjects-bets on births, deaths, and mar-
riages; on the length of a life, or the duration of a
ministry; on a rascal's risk of the halter, or a placeman's
prospect of a coronet; on the chances of an election, or
the sanity of the King; on the shock of an earthquake,
or the last scandal at Ranelagh, or Madame Cornelys'.
A man dropped down at the door of White's; he was
carried into the house. Was he dead or not? The odds
were immediately given and taken for and against. It
was proposed to bleed him.
odds the man was dead, protested that the use of a lancet.
would affect the fairness of the bet. Walpole tells us
that a Mr. Blake waged £1,500 that a man could live
twelve hours under water; and hired a desperate fellow,
whom he sunk in a ship by way of experiment. Neither
ship nor man reappeared. In the old times, men would lay
wagers about anything, so intense was the passion for
betting. A satirical wit being asked what was the chief
difference between a man and a monkey, replied, that
"a monkey never laid a wager."
Those who had taken the
THE SAME TRADE.
APOLLO, says Swift, was held the god of physic, and
WIT AND HUMOR.
339
sender of diseases. B:th were originally the same trade,
and still continue so.
QUITE CERTAIN.
LOUIS XVI. was playing at a game with some of his
courtiers one day, when a disputed point arose. "I
refer it to you," exclaimed the king to the Count de
Grammont, who was approaching at the time. "Your
majesty," replied the count, "is wrong." "How can
you say I am wrong when you do not yet know the
question?" "Do you not see," answered Grammont,
"that if the point had been ever so little doubtful, all
these gentlemen (pointing to the bystanders) would have
decided it in your favor?"
FLUENT SPEAKERS.
SWIFT wrote with satirical severity of the fluent
speakers of his day: "The common fluency of speech,
in many men, and most women, is owing to a scarcity
of matter, and a scarcity of words; for whoever is a
master of language, and has a mind full of ideas, will be
apt in speaking to hesitate upon the choice of both;
whereas common speakers have only one set of ideas,
and one set of words to clothe them in: and these are
always at the mouth, as people come faster out of a
church when it is almost empty, than when a crowd is
at the door.
THE THIEF AND THE RECEIVER.
SAID the Earth to the Moon, "You're a pilfering jade;
What you steal from the Sun is beyond all belief!”
Said the Moon in reply, "Madame Earth,-hold your
prate,—
The receiver is always much worse than the thief."
JOKES AND JESTS,
340
:
3
ON NAPOLEON.
THE following anagram on Napoleon I., the most
renowned conqueror of the age in which he lived, points
out that unfortunate occurrence of his life which ulti-
mately proved his ruin. Thus: "Napoleon Bonaparte"
contains" No, appear not on Elba."
AN ALARMING APPETITE.
POOR-MAN-OF-MUTTON is a term applied to a shoulder
of mutton in Scotland, after it had been served as a roast
at dinner, and appears as a broiled bone at supper, or at
the dinner next day. The Scotch Earl of B., popularly
known as Old Rag, being at an hotel in London, the
landlord came in one morning to enumerate the good
things in his larder. "Landlord," said the Earl of B.,
"I think I could eat a morsel of a poor man." This
strange announcement, coupled with the extreme ugli-
ness of his lordship, so terrified Boniface, that he fled
from the room, and tumbled down stairs. He supposed
that the Earl, when at home, was in the habit of eating
a joint of a vassal or tenant, when his appetite was
dainty.
OPEN TO HIM.
A GENTLEMAN having playfully severed a lock of hair
from the head of a young lady to whom he was attached,
though he had made no formal declaration of love,
received next day from her a letter urgently requesting
the restoration of the stolen lock. To this he replied as
follows:-
"By one only recompense can I be led
With this beautiful ringlet to part:
WIT AND HUMOR.
341
If I have to restore you the lock of your head,
You must give me the key of your heart!"
The lady promptly answered:-
"Who forces locks cannot require a key:
Mamma is out to-day from 12 till 3.
THE THREE INITIALS.
AN apt use of initials, in an expression of an idea,
appears in the following couplet, written on the alleged
marriage of the Duke of Wellington with Angelina Bur-
dett Coutts, the rich heiress:
The Duke must in his second childhood be,
Since in his age he turns to A. B. C.
THE LAST DEBT.
His last great debt is paid. Poor Tom's no more!
Last debt! Tom never paid a debt before.
EATING HIS STALKS.
WHILE William the Third was visiting at Moor Park,
the duty of attending the King devolved upon young
Jonathan Swift, who got so much into his majesty's
favor, that they dined together, and the King not only
taught Swift how to eat asparagus in the Dutch man-
ner, but offered to make him captain of a troop of horse.
Swift declined the military preferment, but put in prac-
tice the asparagus lesson. Long afterwards, Alderman
Faulkner, Swift's printer and publisher, being at the
Deanery, Swift made him stay to dine, and asparagus
formed one of the dishes. The dean helped his guest,
who soon desired to be helped again; when Swift, point-
ing to the Alderman's plate, said, "Sir, first finish what
342
JOKES AND JESTS,
you have upon your plate." "What, sir, eat my stalks?"
"Aye, sir! King William always eats the stalks!" This
story was told by Faulkner to Dr. Leland, who asked,
"And were you blockhead enough to obey?" "Yes, doc-
tor, and if you had dined with Dean Swift tete-a-tete,
faith you would have been obliged to eat your stalks
too!"
A BROIL MAKER.
COBBETT was called the "bone-grubber," in conse-
quence of the respect which, with ostentatious bad taste,
he paid to the memory of Thomas Paine, whose remains
he brought to England from America. Lord Norbury,
on being asked what Cobbett meant by importing the
bones, is said to have answered, that he supposed he
"wanted to make a broil."
ADVISED TOO LATE.
PATRICIUS said, "While you've existence,
Keep, son, plebeians at a distance."
This speech a tailor overheard,
And quick replied, "I wish, my lord,
You'd thus advised, before your son
So deeply in my debt had run."
AN UNEXPECTED RESPONSE.
In the course of a luminous argument in the Ameri-
can Senate, Mr. Clay, addressing the ultras, cried out with
the voice of a stentor, "What do you want?" A tight
little Irishman who was making some noise, while
endeavoring to escape from the crush near the gallery
door inside, supposing that he was personally addressed,
replied quite audibly, "I want to get out!"
WIT AND HUMOR.
343
WHY HE STOPPED.
MR. B happened to be present at a debate, where
a gentleman, getting up, repeated the words "I build ”
several times, without being able to proceed with the
thread of his argument. "Gentleman," cried Mr. B.,
"the gentleman is stopped in his building for want of
materials."
A RACKET COURT.
LORD NORBURY'S court was remarkable for anything
but the decorum with which his business was carried
on. His propensity to joke, in season and out of sea-
son, operated as a general license to all: and whether it
were a civil question, or a point of life and death, in dis-
cussion, repeated shouts of laughter re-echoed through
the halls, as puns, quibbles, and quotations were bandied
about from the bench to the bar, from the bar to the
bench, and from both to the jury and the witnesses, till
mirth rose to uproar, and fun degenerated into down-
right insubordination. Of this his lordship himself has
borne testimony. On pressing a reluctant witness one
day to get at his profession, and being at length told
that he kept a racket court: "And a very good trade
too,” replied the judge; "so do I, so do I," while he
puffed and glanced at the "company."
TRUTHS OF ALL SORTS.
JOSHUA BILLINGS, who is a sort of Yankee Sam Slick,
furnishes us with the following suggestive reflections on
things in general:
It iz highly important that when a man makes up his
mind tew bekum a raskal, that he should examine hiz-
self clusly, and see if he aint konstrukted for a phool.
344
JOKES AND JESTS,
It is a very delikate job tew forgive a man without
lowering him in his own estimashun, and youres too.
Az a gineral thing, when a women wares the britches,
she haz a good rite tew them.
Woomen's inflooenze iz powerful, espeshilla when she
wants ennything.
No man luvs tew git beat, but it iz better tew git
beat than tew be rong.
Men-aint apt tew git kicked out ov good society for
being ritch.
The rode tew Ruin iz alwus kept in good repair, at
the cost ov the travelers.
Honesta iz the poor man's pork, and the ritch man's
pudding.
There iz onla one advantage that i kan see in going
tew the Devil, and that iz, the rode iz easy, and yu are
sure to git there iv yu try
PUNNING DEFENDED.
SOME sneer at puns, and of all wit.
Give them the lowest station;
In doing this the mark they hit,
For
puns are wit's foundation
A HINT TO GO.
LORD BYRON was dining at a party where a person
observed that they were thirteen.
"Why don't you
make us twelve?" was the reply.
WIT AND HUMOR.
345
A LOST PLEASURE.
Ar a venison feast a gentleman addressed his conver-
sation to one of the company who sat next him; but, to
his great surprise, could not get a single word in
answer, until at length his silent neighbor, turning to
him, said, “Mr. R- whenever you are at a venison
feast, I advise you not to speak during dinner-time, as,
in endeavoring to answer your last question, I have just
swallowed a fine piece of the fat entire, without tasting
its flavor."
GODWIN'S BLUNDER.
WHEN Godwin was employed in writing the "Life of
Chatham," he applied to many of his acquaintances for
suitable anecdotes and suggestions. Mr. Fawcett sup-
plied him with a striking passage from a speech he had
heard Chatham deliver on general warrants: "Every
man's house is called his castle. Why? Because it is
surrounded by a moat or defended by a wall? No. It
may be a straw-built hut; the wind may whistle around
it, the rain may enter it, but the king cannot." The point
was plain enough; but when he caine to read the printed
volume, he found it thus arranged: "Every man's
house is called his castle. Why? Because it is sur-
rounded by a moat or defended by a wall? No. It may
be a straw-built hut; the rain may enter it; all the
winds of heaven may whistle round it; but the king
cannot."
WILLIAM OLDYS.
THE following anagram on the well-known biblio-
grapher, William Oldys, inay claim a place among the
346
JOKES AND JESTS,
first productions of this class. It was written by Oldys
himself, and found by one of his executors among hist
manuscripts-
W. O.
In word and WILL I AM a friend to you,
And one friend OLD IS worth a hundred new.
BENEATH THE BOARD.
A WEALTHY maker of men's garments felt indignant
at being called a "tailor." "How can you call him a
tailor," said a sly dog, when you know his employment
is to look after the common sewers!
A YOUNG HOPEFUL.
وو
THE witty Lady L, on being reproved by some one
for having "Don Juan "in her library, replied, "Oh, but
you don't see in what good company I have placed him."
On looking again, it was found that her ladyship had
put the volume between Young and Cowper. "As
'Don Juan,'" continued she, "is but youth as yet, I
have put him there in hopes of his reformation.”
TOWN CUSTOMS.
"ARE good folk very clean in town?"
Inquired a rustic o'er his porter.
"Clean,” cried a cockney, just come down,
"They even wash their milk with water."
WHICH WAS THE GREATEST PLUNDERER?
A GENTLEMAN who had heard Tetzel preach, sent for
him, and asked him if he could forgive a sin which he
had not yet committed. "Certainly," replied Tetzel,
66
Well," said the gentleman, "I want to take a slight
WIT AND HUMOR.
347
revenge of one of my enemies. I assure you I do not
wish to take his life. I will pay you ten crowns if you
in return will give me such a letter of indulgence as will
insure my forgiveness." Even Tetzel hesitated, but at
last he agreed to give him the letter for thirty crowns.
The gentleman went away, and summoning some of his
servants, he took up a position in a wood through which
he knew Tetzel would be obliged to pass on his way to
Treblin. As soon as the monk came near, he came from
his hiding-place, gave him a severe beating, and carried
off the great chest in which Tetzel kept all the treasures
which he had collected. Tetzel brought an action against
the gentleman. Duke George of Saxony was excessively
indignant, and was going to punish him very severely;
but, when he showed the letter which Tetzel had given
him, and which promised him entire forgiveness, the
duke had nothing further to say, and the gentleman was
acquitted.
A TREAT AT LAST.
CUMBERLAND, the dramatist, wrote a play called
Tiberius, which was repeatedly refused. The last time
this occurred, Cumberland wrote to say it was a mistake
to suppose that it was the same Tiberius, as it was no
longer a tragedy; and if magic, music, scenery, and
dialogue could interest an audience, he had greater
expectations from this than from any piece he had ever
produced. Cumberland afterwards invited two friends
to spend a week at his country house, where the spare
living scared the guests: they grew weary in two or three
nights; and one day, announced their intention of depart-
ing on the next. "If so, gentlemen," said the host, "I
mean to give you a treat this evening before you leave
348
JOKES AND JESTS,
!
me; and such a treat! But I do not wish to anticipate."
This put them in high spirits: they imagined a couple
of fowls, with good old port or Maderia, would be served
up; and they had highly whetted their fancies with this
supposition. The evening came, and with it the treat.
Cumberland approached, with a "Now, gentlemen, you
shall have it; you will find whether I will keep my
word. Here it is. I suppose you have heard of it.
Tiberius, I can assure you, the best of all my works."
So saying, he opened his manuscript, and began to read.
One of the guests, without ceremony, fell fast asleep in
the first act. The other guests, with great difficulty,
listened through the second, when the author luckily
became tired of his task, either from the labor of read-
ing, or the drowsiness of his auditors.
ALWAYS T IN IT.
“DEAR me,” said a lady to a gentleman, who had just
brought in the tea-kettle, "how excessively thoughtless;
I have troubled you to bring the water, and there is
positively no tea in the pot!" "Pardon me, my dear
madam,” replied he, "you must surely be mistaken; a
pot without a t in it is an impossibility.”
THE ORIGINAL GULLIVER.
SIR WALTER SCOTT has remarked that the character of
Gulliver, the imaginary traveler, is exactly that of
Dampier, or any other sturdy nautical wanderer of the
period, endowed with courage and common sense, who
sailed through distant seas without losing a single Eng-
lish prejudice which he had brought from Portsmouth
or Plymouth. The reflections and observations of Gul-
WIT AND HUMOR.
319
liver are never more refined, or deeper, than might be
expected from a plain master of a merchantman, or a
surgeon in the Old Jewry; and there was such a reality
given to this person, that one seaman is said to have
sworn he knew Captain Gulliver very well, but that he
lived at Wapping, not Rotherhite. It said that Lord
Scarborough lent "Gulliver's Travels" to an old gentle-
man, who went immediately to his map to search for
Lilliput.
QUITE DEFENSELESS.
Ar the general election in 1865, the Liberal party
obtained a triumph at Bristol. Thereupon some one
wrote the following impromptu epigram:
The Tory party-where are they?
Politically dead, we say;
Then on their trail these trite words trace ye,
"Vale, requiescat in pace.'
وو
They dare not use, lest men should laugh,
"Resurgam" as their epitaph.
DANCING IN FETTERS.
JERROLD wrote of a married couple who appeared to
be extremely happy, "They were proud, delighted with
their chains. And is it not a charming sight—a touch-
ing matter to think of to see married love, like the
thief in the "Beggar's Opera," dancing to the music of
its own fetters?"
LOST THOUGHTS.
LOCKHART, in his Life of Scott, relates that a Mr.
A- a master in Chancery, a very wealthy man, being
on his death-bed, some occasion of urgency occurred, in
,
350
JOKES AND JESTS,
i
which it was necessary to make an affidavit, and the
attorney, missing one or two other masters, whom he
inquired after, ventured to ask if Mr - would be able
to receive a deposition. The proposal seemed to give
him momentary strength; his clerk was sent for, and
the oath taken in due form. The master was lifted up
in his bed, and with difficulty subscribed to the paper. As
he sank down again, he made a signal to his clerk.
"Wallace." "Sir?" "Your ear-lower; have you the
half-crown?" He was dead before morning.
JOHNSON'S BULL.
To a gentleman who expressed himself in disrespect-
ful terms of Blackmore, one of whose poetic bulls he
happened to recollect, Dr. Johnson answered, "I hope,
sir, a blunder, after you shall have heard what I shall
relate, will not be reckoned as decisive against a poet's
reputation. When I was a young man, I translated
Addison's Latin poem on the Battle of the Pigmies and
the Cranes, and must plead guilty to the following
couplet:-
'Down from the guardian boughs the nest they flung,
And killed the yet unanimated young.'
And yet I trust I am no blockhead.
changed the word killed into crushed."
TUGS THAT MANY FEEL.
I afterwards
WHEN Lord Erskine made his debut at the bar, his
agitation almost overcame him, and he was just going to
sit down. “At that moment," said he, "I thought I
felt my little children tugging at my gown, and the idea
roused me to an exertion of which I did not think myself
capable."
WIT AND HUMOR.
351
WHICH IS TRUTH?
A WOMAN, deranged in her intellects, stopped a divine
in the streets of the metropolis, with this salutation:
"There is no truth in the land, sir! there is no truth in
the land!" "You do not speak truth, good woman,"
replied the clergyman. "Oh, yes, I do," returned she,
hastily. "Then there is truth in the land," rejoined he,
as quickly.
A USE OF CRINOLINE.
DOUGLAS JERROLD said of an elderly actress, who used
carmine and pearl powder as a substitute for the youth-
ful charms which had deserted her, "Egad! she should
have a hoop about her, with a notice upon it, 'Beware
of the paint!'"
TIME'S CHANGES.
THE prophet Balaam was in wonder lost
To hear his ass speak: asses now talk most.
A HINT TO BANKERS.
A MAN seldom lends money when he is in a cross
humor. As a banker is more liable to the solicitations
of borrowers than most men, a friend of one was in the
habit of cautioning him to be on his guard, and used to
observe, "that a banker should be born in an ill-humor,
live in an ill-humor, and die in an ill-humor; and then
his house would be a safe one.'
""
AN UNANSWERED QUESTION.
THE Rev. Ralph Erskine, one of the fathers of the
secession from the Kirk of Scotland, on a certain occa-
sion paid a visit to his venerable brother, Ebenezer, at
352
JOKES AND JESTS.
t
Abernethy. "Oh, man!" said the latter, "but ye come
in a gude time. I've a diet of examination to-day, and
ye maun tak it, as I have matters o' life and death to
settle at Perth." "With all my heart," quoth Ralph.
"Noo, my Billy," says Ebenezer, "ye'll find a' my folk
easy to examine but ane, and him I reckon ye had better
no meddle wi'. He has our auld fashious Scotch way of
answering ae question by putting another, and may be
he'll affront ye." "Affront me!" quoth the indignant
theologian; "do ye think he can foil me wi' my ain
natural toils?" "Aweel," says his brother, "I'se gie
ye fair warning, ye had better no ca' him up." The
recusant was one Walter Simpson, the Vulcan of the
parish. Ralph, indignant at the bare idea of such an
illiterate clown chopping divinity with him, determined
to pose him at once with a grand leading unanswerable
question. Accordingly, after putting some questions to
some of the people present, he all at once, with a loud
voice, cried out, "Walter Simpson!" "Here, sir,"
says Walter, "are ye wanting me?" “Attention, sir!
Now Walter, can you tell me how long Adam stood in
a state of innocence?" 66
Ay, till he got a wife,"
instantly cried the blacksmith. "But," added he, "can
you tell me hoo lang he stood after?" "Sit doon, Wal-
ter," said the discomfited divine.
A LEAF TOO MUCH.
ISAAC HILL, of New Hampshire, used to read all his
speeches in the Senate. One day he commenced a
violent tirade against Mr. Webster, turning leaf over
leaf as he went along. Mrs. Hill, who was quite a pol-
itician also, sat behind him on one of the sofas, watch-
WIT AND HUMOR.
353
ing his progress with great connubial interest. Mr.
Hill went on reading his task with great industry. On
a sudden the lady started up, exclaiming, "Alas! he has
turned over two leaves!” The ludicrousness of the
scene excited considerable merriment.
NEITHER FOR BETTER NOR WORSE.
Toм to a shrew lives linked in wedlocks fetter;
Yet let not Tom his stars too sorely curse,
As there's no hope his wife will e'er be better,
So there's no fear she ever can be worse.
SMART, EVEN FOR AN AMERICAN.
THERE was a law in Boston against smoking in the
street. A down-easter strutted about the city one day,
puffing at a cigar. Up walked the constable. "Guess
you're smokin'," he said; "you'll pay two dollars,
stranger." "I ain't smokin'," was the quick response;
"try the weed yourself; it ain't alight." The constable
took a pull at the cigar, and out came a long puff of
white smoke. "Guess you'll pay me two dollars," said
the down-easter, quietly. "Wal,” replied the constable,
"I calc'late you're considerable sharp.'
DEATH'S FOLLY.
""
WHAT'S the news? why they say Death has killed Dr.
Morrison.
What, the pill-maker? Yes! Then Death will be sorry
soon.
THE VIZIER OUTWITTED.
MRS. G. A. ROGERS in her recently published work,
entitled. "A Winter in Algeria." tells a pleasant story
23
354
JOKES AND JESTS,
+
of Oriental life: "Hassan-el-Djeninah was vizier, and
chief favorite to the Pasha of the Oudjah of Constan-
tine. He was the fattest man in the pashalic, and was
reckoned the most jealous husband in Barbary. Gay
young Mussulmans trembled as they saw Hassan-el-
Djeninah waddle across the great square of Constan-
tine, or issue from the barbers' shops. He walked
slowly, for his breath was short; but his yataghan was
long, and he could use it. Hassan had four wives, the
youngest of them was Leila Khanour. Poor little
Leila was only sixteen, and not at all of a jealous dis-
position; but between the envy of her sister-wives, who
hated her, and the unceasing watchfulness of her hus
band, who loved her with most inconvenient fondness,
she led a terrible life of it. Leila Khanoum was Has-
san's favorite, and he would suffer her, but no one else,
to fill his pipe, to adjust the jeweled mouthpiece to his
lips, and to tickle the soles of his august feet, when he
wished to be lulled to sleep. He gave her rich suits of
brocade and cloth of gold; he gave her a white donkey
from Spain to ride on; he gave her jewels, scented
tobacco to smoke, henna for her eye-lids and finger-
nails; and finally, he condescended to play with her for
a princely stake-nothing less than the repudiation of
his other three wives, and the settlement of all his treas-
ures upon her—at Yadace.
The game of Yadace is of the utmost simplicity, and
consists solely in abstaining from receiving anything
whatsoever from the person with whom you play. At
the commencement, each player takes by the end a piece
of straw or a slip of paper, which is broken or torn in
WIT AND HUMOR.
355
two pieces between them, the word "Yadace," being
pronounced at the same time. After this, the law of
the game is in full force-that is to say, the opposing
parties are at full liberty to cheat, swindle, deceive, and
take advantage of each other at the earliest opportunity.
The struggle of mutual astuteness, caution, and circum-
spection is prolonged for days, weeks, months, and, in
many cases, years; but whenever one of the parties is
betrayed into receiving anything of the other, he or she
forfeits the stakes whatever they are.
It was at this pleasant game that the vizier and his
young wife agreed to play.
Meanwhile, Hassan was terribly jealous of his Leila,
and watched her day and night. He kept spies about
her, bribed her attendants, and took a lodging on the
opposite side of the street, that he might sit and watch
who went in or out of his house, when he was supposed
to be far away. One day, while employed in this digni-
fied pursuit, he saw his wife's female negro slave emerge
from his house, look round cautiously, and beckon with
her hand. Then, from a dark passage, a figure habited
as a Frank followed the slave into the house, and shut
the door. This was quite enough. Up jumped Has-
san, rushed across the street, and into his wife's apart-
ment, where the beautiful Leila was in the act of bend-
ing over a large chest that stood upon the ground.
Hassan-el-Djeninah saw the state of affairs in an instant.
The Gaiour must be in the chest! He knocked over
the wretched black slave like a ninepin, rushed to the
chest, and tried to raise the lid.
"The key, woman! the key!" he cried.
•
356
JOKES AND JESTS,
"My lord, I have it not. It is lost; it is gone to be
mended."
Hassan was not a man to be trifled with; the tremb-
ling Leila knew it, and soon handed him the key. He
rushed to the chest, and tore open the lid. There was
certainly some one inside, habited as a Giaour; but
beneath the Frank habit were discovered the face and
form of Sulee, Leila Khanoum's favorite Georgian slave!
"What what means this?" asked Hassan, looking
very foolish.
"Yadace! O my lord, for you took the key."
"Yadace!" repeated the Georgian slave.
"Yadace!" screamed the negress, with a horrible
grin.
"Allah akbar!" exclaimed the vanquished Hassan;
"Allah akbar! I've lost my wives!"
Leila had played her little game, and won. Vive la
bagatelle!
THE MODERN WAY THE SHORTEST.
"FUN," (which has become both witty and wise under
the editorship of the son of him who "sung 'the Song
of the Shirt'") the other day pleasantly satirized the
new style of no-bonnet, worn in these days, which unlike
the huge head-gear of former times, neither covers the
dear heads nor shades the sweet faces of our blooming
dames and damsels. A young Benedict is introducing
his blushing bride to an elderly friend, just returned
from the East, who exclaims, "Dear me! is that the new
style of bonnet? When I was courting my wife they
were very different. Why, I had to go down a passage
to kiss her."
WIT AND HUMOR.
357
INSURED AGAINST STORMS.
The editor of the Albany Express says, the only
reason why his dwelling was not blown away in a late
storm was because there was a heavy mortgage on it.
A STERN NECESSITY.
A CLIENT brought his own brief and fee to Fitzgib-
bon (of the Irish bar), who, on receiving the fee, looked
rather discontented. "I assure you, counselor," said the
client, mournfully, "I am ashamed of its smallness;
but, in fact, it is all I have in the world." "Oh, then,"
said Fitzgibbon, "you can do no more; as it's all you
have in the world-why-hem-I must take it."
NOT QUITE TO THE PURPOSE.
MEMBERS of the American Congress have not always
been remarkable for temperance. A member once came
into the House essentially fuddled. The Currency Bill
was up, and he forthwith proceeded to speechify upon
the Fortification Bill, which was quite natural, consid-
ering that topers usually have less love for cash than
for fighting. After proceeding about half an hour, a
friend took the liberty to hand him the Currency Bill,
hinting that that was the subject of discussion. The
hint was kindly taken, and the mistake discovered,
whereupon the honorable member cried out, "Mr.
Speaker, I don't know as my remarks exactly hit the
bill under consideration, but I think they apply as well
to that as to anything else." The house was in an
uproar and laughter at the drunken wit, and permitted
the member to finish his speech, in the extraordinary
short space of one hour and a half.
$58
JOKES AND JESTŚ,
·
r
UNIMAGINABLY SMALL.
A TURKISH Spy, writing to his employers, said, “ I
am now in an apartment so small that the least suspicion
cannot enter it."
A SENSE OF RESPONSIBILITY.
A DISTINGUISHED Southern gentleman, dining at a New
York hotel, was annoyed at a negro servant continually
waiting upon him, and desired him one day at dinner
to retire. "Excuse me, sir," said Cuffy, drawing him-
self up, "but I'se 'sponsible for de silver."
WEE BIT RUDE.
MR. BURGON, in his "Life of Tytler," tells the fol-
lowing amusing story:-"Captain Basil Hall was once
traveling in an old-fashioned stage-coach, when he found
himself opposite to a good-humored, jolly Dandie-Din-
mont-looking person, with whom he entered into con-
versation, and found him most intelligent. Dandie,
who was a staunch Loyalist, as well as a stout yeoman,
seemed equally pleased with his companion. "Troth,
sir," he said, "I am weel content to meet wi' a discreet,
civil-spoken gentleman wi' whom I can have a rational
conversation, for I have been fairly put out.
You see,
sir, a Radical fellow came into the coach. It was the
only time I ever saw a Radical; an' he began abusing
everything, saying that this wasna a kintra fit to live in.
And first he abused the king. Sir, I stood that. And
then he abused the constitution. Sir, I stood that. And
then he abused the farmers. Well, sir, I stood it all.
But then he took to abusing the yeomanry. Now, sir,
you ken I couldna stand that, for I am a yeoman mysel❜;
WIT AND HUMOR.
359
6
so I was under the necessity of oeing a wee bit rude-
like till him. So I seized him by the cuff of the
neck: Do you see that window, sir? Apologeeze,
apologeeze this very minute, or I'll just put your head
through the window.' Wi' that he apologeezed. Now,
sir,' I said, 'you'll gang out o' the coach.' And wi' that
I opened the door, and shot him out intil the road; and
that's all I ever saw o' the Radical.'
ووو
L'AMOUR PROPRE.
(
A LITTLE mask at a ball at the French opera, desirous
of being distinguished, appeared as Cupid, the quiver on
his back, the bow in his hand, and a dirty handkerchief
over his eyes. He importuned attention from everybody
he met, and from those he pursued. "Observe me,
then,” said he to a lady who at first did not notice him;
Regardez-moi, regardez-moi, donc; je suis l'Amour."
The lady at length, wearied with his attentions, ex-
claimed, "Cela se peut, mais assurement, tu n'es pas
l'Amour propre."
GOOD OUT OF EVIL.
THE registrar of one of the Irish crim.nal courts com-
plained to Lord Norbury that the witnesses were in the
habit of stealing the Testament after they had been
sworn upon it. "Never mind," said his lordship; "if
the rascals read the book, it will do them more good
than the petty larceny can do them mischief."
REMARKABLE EQUIVOQUES.
In a cause recently tried in the Court of Queen's
Bench, the plaintiff being a merchant's widow, and the
defendants two medical men who had treated her for
畿
​360
JOKES AND JESTS,
delirium tremens, and put her under restraint as a
lunatic, witnesses were called on the part of the plaintiff
to prove that she was not addicted to drinking. One of
them, a Mr. Tate, a surgeon, of Sunderland, who had
been the lady's medical adviser, was asked whether,
during the time he attended her, she seemed like a per-
son addicted to excessive drinking? "No," replied Mr.
Tate, "she never presented the appearance even of a
person who drank moderately." A laundress, more
skilled in linen than in language, was also called to prove
the habitual sobriety of the lady; and, being asked by
Mr. Huddleston, "Was she abstemious?" naively replied,
"I never saw her so." The last witness called by Mr.
Montagu Chambers, the leading counsel on the part of
the plaintiff, was Dr. Tunstal, who closed his evidence
by describing a case of delirium tremens treated by him,
in which the patient recovered in a single night. "It
was," said the witness, "a case of gradual drinking,
sipping all day, from morning till night." These words.
were scarcely uttered, than Mr. Chambers, who had
examined the witness, turning to the Bench, said, amidst
roars of irrepressible laughter, "My lord, that is my
case.'
""
A FLASH OF WIT.
1
SYDNEY SMITH One day, after Macaulay's return from
the East, remarked to a friend who had been speaking
of the distinguished conversationalist: "Yes, I agree;
he is certainly more agreeable since his return from
India. His enemies might perhaps have said before
(though I never did so) that he talked rather too much;
but now he has occasional flashes of silence that make
his conversation perfectly delightful!"
WIT AND HUMOR.
361
YES AND NO.
FOR Good and Evil, the giants of life.-Jerrold.
SOMETHING LACKING.
Hook was walking one day with his friend, Mr. F———
an artist, in the neighborhood of Kensington, when the
latter, pointing out on a dead wall an incomplete, or
half-effaced inscription, running, "Warren's B-
was puzzled at the moment for the want of the context.
""Tis lacking that should follow," observed Hook in
explanation.
A LIGHT TO SEE A BLUSH BY.
THE late Baron Alderson was an incorrigible joker,
and was never better pleased with himself than when he
succeeded in making the jury and the audience laugh
at the mistakes of some clownish witness set up by the
Court as a butt. There were times, however, when he
was terribly serious, and would not tolerate even a smile.
On one occasion, at the Bedford Assizes, he was trying
an action brought by a laboring man against a clergy-
man and a magistrate for the seduction of his wife. Mr.
O'Malley, who did not at that time wear the silken robe
of a Queen's Counsel, conducted the plaintiff's case, and
Sir Frederick Thesiger was the leading counsel for the
defendant. Baron Alderson took a deep interest in the
case, and lookers-on thought he was somewhat less
impartial than British judges are wont to be. The
cause was a long one, and the second day of the trial
was wearing fast away, and it was dusk before Sir Fred-
erick Thesiger had concluded his address on behalf of.
the reverend defendant. Something said by Sir Fred-
362
JOKES AND JESTS,
erick brought a smile into the usually good-tempered
face of Mr. O'Malley, which the quick eyes of the judge
detected through the dim twilight. "It is indecent to
laugh, Mr. O'Malley; I will not allow any one to laugh
here," exclaimed Mr. Baron Alderson in a tone of great
severity. "I did not laugh, my lord," replied Mr.
O'Malley. "May it please you, my lord, I saw Mr.
O'Malley laugh," interposed a barrister named Saun-
ders, at that time a briefless watcher of the proceedings
of the Court. A murmur of indignant surprise was
suppressed, as Mr. O'Malley rose and said, with some
emotion, "I did not laugh; I only smiled; and I can-
not always be master of my countenance." "Then hide
it, sir,” exclaimed the irritated judge, in a voice of
thunder. "I hope that is not your decision, my lord,”
quietly interposed a third barrister, "for at this
advanced period of the evening, if Mr. O'Malley is not
permitted to smile upon us, the Court will not have
light enough to see Mr. Saunders blush by."
BEAUTY UNSATISFIED.
·
THE Emperor Alexander of Russia was present in
Paris at a collection in aid of the funds of an hospital.
The plate was held to his Majesty by an extremely
pretty girl. As he gave his louis d'or, he whispered,
"Mademoiselle, this is for your bright eyes." The girl
curtseyed, and presented the plate again to him.
"What," said the emperor, "more!" "Yes, sir," said
she; "I now want something for the poor.
ACRES AND WISEACRES.
""
A WEALTHY but weak-headed barrister once remarked
IT AND HUMOR.
363
to Curran that "no one should be admitted to the bar
who had not an independent landed property."
"May
I ask, sir," replied Curran, "how many acres make a
wise-acre?"
SHUTTING UP AND WALKING OUT.
دن
THERE was a singular plan, first adopted by Sheridan,
of getting rid of untimely visitors; but then his visitors
were creditors. They came early, at seven in the morn-
ing, to prevent the possibility of being tricked by the
usual answer, "Not at home;" and of course they would
not go away. One was shut up in one room, another
in another. By twelve o'clock in the day there was a
vast accumulation; and at that hour the master of the
house would say, "James, are all the doors shut?" "All
shut, sir." Very well, then open the street door
softly." And so Sheridan walked quietly out between
the double line of closed doors.
THE PERILS OF EMPTINESS.
A COXCOMB, teasing Dr. Parr with an account of his
petty ailments, complained that he could never go out-
without catching cold in his head. "No wonder,"
returned the doctor; "you always go out without any-
thing in it."
A RATIONAL OBJECTION.
SIR EDWIN LANDSEER, the celebrated animal painter,
and Sydney Smith met at a dinner party. The canon
was in one of his best humors, and so delighted was the
painter that he asked him to sit for his picture; to
which proposition Sydney replied "Is thy servant a
dog, that he should do this thing?"
364
JOKES AND JESTS.
writes: "Lady
DANGEROUSLY WELL.
LORD BYRON, in reference to a lady he thought ill of,
has been dangerously ill; but it
may console you to learn that she is dangerously well
again."
THE SAME WITH A DIFFERENCE.
AN Irishman asked a friend, "Will you dine with me
to-morrow?" "Faith, an' I will, with all my heart,"
was the reply. "Remember, 'tis only a family dinner
I'm asking ye to." "And what for not? A family
dinner is a mighty plisant thing. What have ye got?”
"Och, nothing by common! Jist an illigant pace of
corned beef and potatoes." "By the power! that bates
the world! Jist my own dinner to a hair-barring the
beef!"
66
1
A WICKED SUGGESTION.
A GENTLEMAN, taking an apartment, told the land-
lady "I assure you, ma'am, I never left a lodging
but my landlady shed tears." She answered, with a
very inquiring look, "I hope it was not, sir, that you
went away without paying?"
NOTHING TO LAUGH AT.
WHEN Lord Lauderdale intimated his intention to
repeat some good thing Sheridan had mentioned to him,
"Pray don't, my dear Lauderdale," said the wit; "a
joke in your mouth is no laughing matter!"
A POLITE REBUKE.
CHARLES MATHEWS, seated on a coach-box on a frosty
day, waiting anxious' for the driver, said to him when
WIT AND HUMOR.
365
at length he appeared: "Why, I declare, if you stand
here much longer, Mr. Coachman, your horses will be
like Capt. Parry's ships." "How's that, sir?" "Why,
frozen to the pole!"
AN ANTICIPATED CALAMITY.
ON the departure of Bishop Selwyn for his diocese,
New Zealand, Sydney Smith, when taking his leave of
him, said: "Good-bye, my dear Selwyn; I hope you will`
not disagree with the man who eats you!"
✔
A JUDGE CORRECTED.
As a judge, Lord Avonmore (Lord Chief Baron of the
Exchequer in Ireland) had one great fault; he was apt to
take up a first impression of a cause, and it was very
difficult afterwards to obliterate it. This habit was at
times to Curran a serious source of annoyance, and he
took the following whimsical method of correcting it.
The reader must remember that the object of the nar-
rator was, by a tedious and malicious procrastination, to
irritate his hearer into the vice which he was anxious to
eradicate. They were to dine together at the house of a
common friend, and a large party was assembled, some
of whom witnessed the occurrences of the morning.
Curran, contrary to his usual custom, was late for dinner,
and at length arrived in the most admirably affected
agitation. Why, Mr. Curran," grumbled Lord Avon-
more, “you have kept us a full hour waiting dinner for
you!"
“Oh, my dear lord, I regret it much; you must
know it seldom happens, but I've just been witness
to a most melancholy occurrence." "My God! you seem
terribly moved by it-take a glass of wine. What was
66
366
JOKES AND JESTS,
وو
""
it?" "I will tell you, my lord, the moment I can col-
lect myself. I had been detained at court-in the Court
of Chancery-your lordship knows the Chancellor sits
late." "I do, I do but go on." "Well, my lord, I
was hurrying home as fast as ever I could-I did not
even change my dress-I hope I shall be excused for
coming in my boots?" "Poh, poh! never mind your
boots: the point-come at once to the point of the story."
"Oh, I will, my lord, in a moment. I walked here-I
would not even wait to get the carriage ready; it would
have taken time, you know. Now there is a market
exactly in the road by which I had to pass-your lord-
ship may perhaps recollect the market-do you?" "To
be sure I do go on, Curran, go on with the story.' " I
am very glad your lordship remembers the market, for I
totally forgot the name of it-the name the name.
"What the devil signifies the name of it, sir?-it's the
Castle Market." "Your lordship is perfectly right—it
is called the Castle Market. Well, I was passing through
this identical Castle Market, when I observed a butcher
preparing to kill a calf. He had a huge knife in his
hand; it was as sharp as a razor. The calf was standing
beside him he drew the knife to plunge it into the
animal. Just as he was in the act of doing so, a little
boy, about four years old-his only son-the loveliest
child I ever saw—ran suddenly across his path; and he
killed-oh! my God! he killed
"The child! the
child! the child!" vociferated Lord Avonmore. No,
my lord, the calf!" continued Curran, very coolly-"he
killed the calf; but—your lordship is in the habit of
anticipating."
.
""
WIT AND HUMOR.
367
POWDER WITHOUT BALL.
DR. GOODALL, of Eton, was proverbially fond of pun-
ning. About the same time that he was made Provost
of Eton, he received also a Stall at Windsor.
A young
lady of his acquaintance, whilst congratulating him on
his elevation, and requesting him to give the young
ladies of Eton and Windsor a ball during the vacation,
happened to touch his wig with her fan, and caused the
powder to fly about; upon which the doctor exclaimed,
“My dear, you see you can get the powder out of the
canon, but not the ball."
WET AND DRY.
On one occasion, when coming to church, Dr. Mac-
knight, who was a better commentator than preacher,
having been caught in a shower of rain, entered the
vestry soaked with wet. Every means were used to
relieve him from his discomfort; but as the time drew
on for divine service he became much distressed, and
ejaculated over and over, "Oh, I wish that I was dry;
do you think I'm dry? do you think I'm dry eneuch
noo?" To this his jocose colleague, Dr. Henry, the his-
torian, returned: "Bide a wee, doctor, and ye'se be dry
eneuch when ye get into the pu'pit."
A POOR DESTINY.
A DEVONSHIRE farmer catechising his lad one day on
"the chief end o'man," said, "Who made thee?" "God,"
answered the boy and nodded his head. "What did
God make thee vor?" No reply. "Speak, mumchance,
what dost stand digging the head, and shuckening, as if
thee was lousy? Speak, moon calf-'Ot did God make
368
JOKES AND JESTS,
thee vor?" The boy now looked up and said, "To carry
dung to Crowbear, measter."
A GOOD START.
WHEN Lord Erskine heard that somebody had died
worth £200,000, he observed, "Well, that's a very
pretty sum to begin the next world with."
A DISAPPOINTING SUBSCRIBER.
To all letters soliciting his "subscription" to any-
thing, Lord Erskine had a regular form of reply, namely:
"Sir, I feel much honored by your application to me,
and beg to subscribe" (here the reader had to turn over
leaf) "myself, your very obedient servant," etc.
SYDNEY SMITH AND ROGERS.
WHENEVER Rogers, the poet, gave a dinner party, he
used to have candles placed all around the dining-room,
and high up, in order to show off his pictures. Asking
Sydney Smith "how he liked that plan?" the wit replied,
"Not at all; above there is a blaze of light, and below
nothing but darkness and gnashing of teeth."
VERY CONSOLING.
WHEN Charles Mathews was in Italy, he was told
that a person, who was generally disliked, was supposed
to have caught the small-pox, "Ah! that's bad,” replied
Charles; "however, if so, he has one consolation—he is
sure to be pitied."
AGRICULTURAL DEFINITION OF “REST.”
A PARISH priest, addressing himself to a well-to-do
farmer, a parishioner of his, said: "I'm glad to see
WIT AND HUMOR.
369
you so regular at church; I'm sure that after your
week's labor, you must find it a place of happy rest."
“Well, sir, I really dooes," replied the farmer with
much self-complacency; "I works hard all the week,
and I then goes to church on a Sunday for rest, as your
honor says, and I sits me down, and lays my feet on the
cushions-shuts both my eyes-and I thinks o' noth-
ing!"
NOTHING EASIER THAN LYING.
SHERIDAN, hearing that his son was about to descend
into a coal-pit, asked him how he could meditate any-
thing so ridiculous; declaring he could not imagine what
satisfaction there could be in the accomplishment of such
an undertaking. " "Nothing more," said Tom," than to
say I have been in one." "Well, and can't you say you
have?" was the father's characteristic reply.
NOTHING IN IT.
CURRAN was addressing a jury on one of the State
trials in 1803, with his usual animation. The judge,
whose political bias was supposed not to be favorable
to the prisoner, shook his head in doubt or denial of one
of the advocate's arguments. "I see, gentleman," said
Curran, “I see the motion of his lordship's head; com-
mon observers would imagine that implied a difference
of opinion, but they would be mistaken: it is merely
accidental. Believe me, gentlemen, if you remain here
many days, you will yourselves perceive that, when his
lordship shakes his head, there's nothing in it!”
VERY SHOCKING, IF TRUE.
Ar a dinner-party the plebeian habits of one of the
24
370
JOKES AND JESTS,
guests had attracted very general attention. Among
other mistakes he used his knife improperly in eating.
At length a wag asked aloud: "Have you heard of poor
L's sad affair?" I met him at a party yesterday,
apparently well and cheerful; when at the dinner table,
to our great horror, he suddenly took up the knife, and
"Good heavens!" interposed one of the ladies;
"and did he cut his throat?? "Why no," answered the
relator, "he did not cut his throat with the kinfe; but
we all expected he would, for he actually put it to his
mouth."
""
(6 THE LITTLE THAT HE KNEW."
An undergraduate of Cambridge being examined for
his degree, and failing in every subject upon which he
was tried, complained that he had not been questioned
upon the things which he knew. Upon this the exam-
ining master tore off an inch of paper, and pushing it
towards him, desired him to write upon it all that he
knew.
COOL AS A CUCUMBER.
COLERIDGE has remarked that stammering is some-
times the cause of a pun. Some one was mentioning in
Lamb's presence the cold-heartedness of the Duke of
Cumberland, in restraining the duchess from rushing
up to the embrace of her son, whom she had not seen
for a considerable time, and insisting on her receiving
him in state. "How horrible cold it was," said the
narrator. "Yes," replied Lamb in his stuttering way;
"but you know he is the Duke of Cu-cum-ber-land."
PACIFIC ADVICE.
Ir being reported that a certain lady of fashion and a
WIT AND HUMOR.
371
blue-stocking had, in a moment of passion, knocked
down one of her pages with a stool, the poet Moore, to
whom this was told by Lord Strangford, observed, "Oh,
nothing is more natural for a literary lady than to double
down a page." "I would rather," replied his lordship,
"advise her to turn over a new leaf."
AN AMPLE APOLOGY.
A CLERGYMAN at Cambridge preached a sermon, which
one of his auditors commended. "Yes," said the gen-
tleman to whom it was mentioned, "it was a good
sermon, but he stole it." This was repeated to the
preacher. He resented it, and called on the gentleman
to retract. "I am not," replied the aggressor, "very
apt to retract my words; but in this instance I will. I
said you had stolen the sermon.
I find I was wrong,
for on returning home and referring to the book whence
I thought it was taken, I found it there.”
A BEE WITH A STING.
SYDNEY SMITH, one day observing Lord Brougham's
one-horse carriage, on the panel of which appeared a
"B" surmounted by a coronet, said to a friend, "There
goes a carriage with a bee outside and a wasp within!"
QUITE AS NEAR.
WHEN Sir Thomas More was confined to prison, and
in peril of death, for denying the lawfulness of the mar-
riage of Henry VIII. with Anne Boleyn, his wife Alice
said to him, "How can a man taken for wise like you
play the fool in this close filthy prison, when you might
be abroad at your liberty, if you would but do as the
372
JOKES AND JESTS,
bishops have done?" She enlarged on his fair house at
Chelsea, his library, gallery, garden, and orchard, together
with the company of his wife and children. "Tush,
tush, woman," said he, "is not this house as nigh
heaven as my own?"
A CONVENIENT THEORY.
THOMAS HOOD relates the following story of one Mould,
who was as miserly as illiterate. At charity meetings
he always volunteered to go round with his hat, but was
suspected of sparing his own pocket. Overhearing one
day a hint to that effect, he made the following speech;
"Other gentlemen puts down what they thinks proper,
and so does I. Charity's a private concern, and what I
gives is nothing to nobody."
"THE RULING PASSION STRONG IN DEATH.”
A DYING miser sent for his solicitor, and, being
propped up in bed, said, "Now, begin, and I will dic-
tate particulars." "I give and I bequeath," commenced
the man of law, repeating, as he wrote down the for-
mula. "No, no," interrupted the testator, "I do noth-
ing of the kind; I will never give or bequeath anything;
I cannot do it." "Well, then," suggested the attorney,
after some consideration as to how the usual style could
be modified, "suppose you say, 'I lend, until the last
day?" "Yes, yes, that will do," eagerly rejoined his
employer; and so they got on with the business in
hand.
AN EXTRAORDINARY TOBACCO-STOPPER.
DR. PARR, having been hospitably entertained by a
lady friend, who refused to indulge him with his pipe,
WIT AND HUMOR.
373
vainly pleaded that such indulgence had always been
granted to him. He said it was a condition, "No pipe, no
Parr," and previously known and peremptorily imposed
upon all who desired his company. The Prince of
Wales, at Carlton House, who never smoked, had been
pleased to insist upon his taking his customary pipe;
and the Duke of Sussex had smoked with him. In vain
these precedents the lady was inexorable. At length
said the doctor, with some severity of tone, "You must
give me leave, madam, to tell you, you are the greatest
"The lady, fearful of what might follow, earnestly
interposed, begging he would express no rudeness. The
doctor resumed, speaking very loud, and looking very
stern, to the increasing alarm of his hostess: "Madam!
I do not wish to offend, but I must take leave to tell you
that you are the greatest tobacco-stopper in all Eng-
land!"
A LIBERAL CONTRIBUTOR.
A GENTLEMAN waited on Douglas Jerrold to ask his
aid on behalf of a mutual friend in distress. It was not
the first time such an appeal had been made to him for
the same person. On this occasion, therefore, the agent
was received in any other but a complying humor.
"Well," said Jerrold, "how much does
owe this
time?" "Why, just a four and two noughts will, I
think," replied the petitioner, "put him straight."
"Well, then, put me down for one of the noughts," said
Jerrold.
WILKES AND THE BEGGAR.
WILKES, meeting a beggar in the Isle of Wight, the
following conversation ensued between them: "Where
374
JOKES AND JESTS,
""
the devil did you come from?” "From the devil.”
"Much the same as here.'
"What is going on there?"
"What's that?" "The rich taken in, and the poor kept
out."
IMPROVING ON A NAME.
LORD MELCOMBE, whose patronymic was Bubb, was
appointed ambassador to Spain. Lord Chesterfield told
him it would not do, as the Spaniards cannot suppose a
man to possess any dignity whose name is a monosylla-
ble. "You must make an addition to it," added his
lordship; "I can help you to one; suppose you make it
Silly-Bubb." (Syllabub.)
A REASON FOR BEING TOO LATE.
CANNING and another gentleman were looking at a
picture of the Deluge: the ark was in the middle dis-
tance; in the foresea an elephant was seen struggling
with his fate. "I wonder," said the gentleman, "that
the elephant did not secure an inside place." "He was
too late, my friend," replied Canning; "he was detained
packing up his trunk."
DISCORD ABOUT A CORD.
A SCOTCH parson, in the time of the Rump Parlia-
ment, said in his prayer: "Laird, bless the grand coun-
cil, the parliament, and grant that they may all hang
together." A country fellow standing by replied, "Yes,
sir, with all my heart, and the sooner the better; and I
am sure it is the prayer of all good people." "But,
friends," said the parson, "I don't mean as that fellow
does; I pray that they may hang together in accord and
WIT AND HUMOR.
375
concord."
"I don't care what cord," replied the other,
"so 'tis but a strong one."
PHYSIOLOGICAL PARADOX.
Two gentlemen, passing by some newly-erected houses,
one of them observed that there were too few windows,
but that that circumstance, as it saved in part the tax,
would be good for the liver. "True," said the other,
"but bad for the lights."
·
A BEARABLE PUN.
AN illiterate vendor of beer wrote over his door at
Harrogate, "Bear sold here." "He spells the word
quite correctly," said Theodore Hook, "if he means to
apprize us that the article is his own Bruin."
POTATOES AND COMMENTATORS.
A CLERGYMAN in a rural church, observing, in the
course of his sermon, "that the commentators did not
agree with him" (upon the subject alluded to), one of
his auditors, a simple farmer, went to him the next day,
and told the parson that, hearing him say that common
taters did not agree with him, he had made bold to bring
him some very superior ones of his own growing.
A PRETTY REPLY.
LORD MELBOURNE, inspecting the kitchen of the
Reform Club, jocosely remarked to Alexis Soyer, ches
de cuisine, that his female assistants were all very pretty.
"Yes, my lord," replied Soyer; "plain cooks will not
do here."
A YORKSHIRE BULL.
A YORKSHIRE clergyman, preaching for the Blind
376
JOKES AND JESTS,
:
Asylum, began by gravely remarking:-" If all the world
were blind, what a melancholy sight it would be!"
A DEFINITION.
LORD BYRON being asked what was the difference
between a hell and a club, replied: "Hell is a gaming-
house so called, where you risk little and are cheated a
good deal; club is a pleasant purgatory, where you lose
more, and are not supposed to be cheated at all."
NOT QUITE MURDERED.
CURRAN was walking one day with a friend, who,
hearing a person say curosity for curiosity, exclaimed,
"How that man murders the English language!" "Not
so bad as that," replied Curran, "he has only knocked
an i out!"
AN UNCONSCIOUS POSTSCRIPT.
GEORGE SELWYN once affirmed, in company, that no
woman ever wrote a letter without a postscript. "My
next letter shall refute you!" said Lady G- - Selwyn
soon after received a letter from her ladyship, where,
after her signature, stood: "P. S. Who was right; you
or I?"
A DIFFERENCE IN GENDER.
A LADY, visiting a girls' school, asked one of the
children, “What are you making, my little seamstress?
Is it a chemise?" "No, ma'am," replied the girl,
bashfully, "it's a he-mise."
QUITE AT EASE.
FOOTE, the actor, was one day taken into White's Club
House by a friend who wanted to write a note. Foote,
WIT AND HUMOR.
377
standing in a room among strangers, seemed not quite
at home. Lord Carmarthan wishing to relieve his
apparent embarrassment, approached to speak to him;
but himself feeling rather shy, he merely said, "Mr.
Foote, your handkerchief is hanging out of your
pocket." Foote looking suspiciously round, and hur-
riedly thrusting the handkerchief back into his pocket,
replied, “Thank you, my lord; you know the company
better than I do."
HARD-HEADED.
A LIMERICK banker, remarkable for his sagacity, had
an iron leg, “which," said Curran, "is the softest thing
about him."
A JUDGE IN A FOG.
ONE of the judges of the King's Bench, in an argu-
ment on the construction of a will, sagely declared, "It
appeared to him that the testator meant to keep a life.
interest in the estate of himself." "Very true, my
lord," said Curran, gravely; "testators generally do
secure a life-interest for themselves, but in this case I
rather think your lordship takes the will for the deed."
TAKING IT OUT OF HIS MOUTH.
A PLACID minister, near Dundee, preaching about the
prophet Jonah, said, "Ken ye, brethren, tell what fish
it was that swallowed him? Aiblins ye may think it
was a shark; nae, nae, my brethren, it was nae shark;
or aiblins ye may think it was a saumon; nae, nae, my
brethren, it was nae saumon; or aiblins ye may think it
was a dolphin; nae, nae, my brethren, it was nae dol-
phin." Here an old woman, thinking to help her pas-
378
JOKES AND JESTS,
tor out of a dead lift, cried out, "Aiblins, sir, it was a
dunter (the vulgar name of a species of whale common
to the Scotch coast). "Aiblins, madam, ye're an auld
witch for taking the word o' God out o' my mouth,"
was the reply of the disappointed rhetorician.
ON THE MARRIAGE OF A FELLOW OF ALL-SOULS' COLLEGE.
TOMPKINS, so strangely love his mind controls,
Has, for a single body, left All-Souls'.
A SINGULAR CLAUSE.
THE mayor of a provincial town, conceiving that the
word clause was in the plural number, in referring to
the section of an Act of Parliament, always called it “a
claw."
A DARK PROSPECT.
A NEGRO from Montezerat, or Marigalente, where the
Hiberno Celtic is spoken by all classes, happened to
be on the wharf at Philadelphia when a number of
Irish emigrants were landed; and seeing one of them
with a wife and four children, he stepped forward to
assist the family on shore. The Irishman, in his native
tongue, expressed his surprise at the civility of the
negro, who understanding what had been said, replied
in Irish, that he need not be astonished, for that he was
a bit of an Irishman himself. The Irishman, surprised
to hear a black man speak his Milesian dialect, it entered
his mind, with the usual rapidity of Irish fancy, that he
really was an Irishman, but that the climate had changed
his fair complexion. "If I may be so bold, my dear
honey," said he, " may I ask how long you have been in
this country?" The negro man, who had only come
WIT AND HUMOR.
379
hither on a voyage, said he had been in Philadelphia only
four months. Pat turned round to his wife and children,
and looking as if for the last time on their rosy cheeks,
concluding that in four months they must also change
their complexion, exclaimed, "O merciful powers
Biddy, did you hear that? He has not been more than
four months in this country, and he is already almost
as black as jet."
A WORD AND A BLOW.
THOMAS is sure a most courageous man,
"A word and a blow" for ever is his plan;
And thus his friends explain the curious matter,
He gives the first, and then receives the latter.
PURE FROM THE COUNTRY.
LONG before the metropolitan cow-sheds were smitten
by the cattle disease in 1865, it was the practice of
numerous farmers residing within many miles of the
metropolis to send up by railway large quantities of
milk to the so-called London dairies. There was a great
drought in the summer of 1864, and water could not be
had in many of the rural districts. The ponds and brooks
were all dried up, and water was so scarce in some places
that the farmers were obliged to send their milk to town
genuine. What was done with it in London, where
water was plentiful, may be imagined.
TAKING IT EASY.
Or Lord North's somnolent habits some humorous
tales are told. Thus, when a vehement declaimer, call-
ing aloud for his head, turned round and perceived his
victim unconsciously indulging in a soft slumber, and,
380
JOKES AND JESTS.
becoming still more exasperated, denounced the min-
ister as capable of sleeping while he ruined his.
country, the latter only complained how cruel it was to
be denied a solace which other criminals so often enjoyed,
that of having a night's rest before their fate. When
surprised in a like indulgence during the performance of
a very inferior artist, who, however, showed equal indig-
nation at so ill-timed a recreation, he contented himself
with observing how hard it was that he should be
grudged so very natural a release from considerable
suffering; but, as if recollecting himself, he added, that
it was somewhat unjust in the gentleman to complain
of him for taking the remedy which he had himself been
considerate enough to administer.
A SINGULAR MISQUOTATION.
THERE is a curious error in Dr. Johnson's Dictionary,
which has not hitherto been noticed. It occurs in
definition 13 of the verb "to sit," and pervades every
edition, even Mr. Todd's. "Asses are ye that sit in
judgment," (Judges v. 10).
The verse is, "Speak, ye
that ride on white asses, ye that sit in judgment and
walk by the way."
THE HANDWRITING NOT PLAIN ENOUGH.
"God has written honest man' on his face," said a
friend to Douglas Jerrold, speaking of a person in whom
he did not place implicit confidence. Humph!" replied
Jerrold," then the pen must have been a very bad one."
A GENERAL WARNING.
((
A YANKEE, whose face had been mauled in a pot-
house brawl, assured General Jackson that he had
WIT AND HUMOR.
381
received his scars in battle. "Then," said old Hickory,
“be careful the next time you run away, and don't look
back."
SHEEP SHEARERS.
Two lawyers, when a knotty case was o'er,
Shook hands, and were as good friends as before.
Say, cries the losing client, "how came you
To be such friends, who were such foes, just now!"
"Thou fool!" one answers, "lawyers, though so keen,
Like shears, ne'er cut themselves, but what's between."
INEFFECTUAL PROSING.
WHEN the Ambassador of Samos came to Cleomenes,
King of Sparta, with a very long and elegant oration,
inviting him to assist them against Polycrates, he
replied, being tired with his oratory, "The former and
middle parts of your address were too long, and I have
forgotten them. With regard to the latter part, being
unconnected in my memory with what you said before,
I do not see the propriety of it, and therefore I shall not
grant your request.
""
IRISH AND SCOTCH LOYALTY.
WHEN George the Fourth went to Ireland, one of the*
"pisintry," delighted with his affability to the crowd on
landing, said to the toll-keeper as the king passed through,
"Och, now! an' his majesty, God bless him, never paid
the turnpike, an' how's that?" "Oh! kings never does;
we let's 'em go free," was the answer. "Then there's
the dirty money for ye," says Pat; "it shall never be
said that the king came here, and found nobody to pay
the turnpike for him." Tom Moore on his visit to
382
JOKES AND JESTS,
*
Abbottsford, told this story to Sir Walter Scott, when
they were comparing notes as to the two royal visits.
"Now Moore," replied Scott, "there ye have just the
advantage of us: there was no want of enthusiasm here;
the Scotch folk would have done anything in the world
for his majesty, except pay the turnpike.”
RATHER ETHEREAL.
DR. JOHN WILKINS wrote a work in the reign of Charles
II., to show the possibility of making a voyage to the
moon. The Duchess of Newcastle, who was likewise
notorious for her vagrant speculations, said to him, on
one occasion when the conversation turned on his theory,
"Doctor, where am I to bait at in the upward journey?"
My lady,” replied the doctor, with a quickness hardly
to be expected of one so moonstruck, "of all the people
in the world, I never expected that question of you; who
have built so many castles in the air that you might lie
every night at one of your own."
(6
A SLIGHT DIFFERENCE.
WILKES, going to Dolly's chop-house in Paternoster
Row, with a friend, accidentally seated himself near a
rich and overbearing citizen, who almost stunned him
with roaring for his "stake," as he called it. Wilkes,
asking the cit some common question, received a very
brutal answer; and, the steak coming in at that moment,
he turned to his companion and said: "See the differ-
ence between the City and the Bear-garden: there the
bear is brought to the stake, but here the 'stake' is
brought to the bear.”
WIT AND HUMOR.
383
A GIFT HORSE.
A NOBLEMAN having presented Charles II. with a fine
horse, his majesty bid Killigrew, who was present, tell
him what was its age; upon which the jester proceeded
to examine the animal's tail. "What are you doing?"
said the king; "that's not the place to find out its age."
"O, Sir," answered the jester, "your majesty knows one
should never look a gift-horse in the mouth."
PLAIN ENOUGH.
A GENTLEMAN praising the personal charms of a very
plain woman in the presence of Foote, the latter said:
"And why don't you lay claim to such an accomplished
beauty?" “What right have I to her?" exclaimed the
gentleman. "Every right, by the law of nations," replied
Foote: "every right as the first discoverer.”
THE CHURCH IN THE WAY.
DR. JOHNSON censured Gwyn, the architect, for taking
down a church, which might have stood for many years,
and building a new one in a more convenient place, for
no other reason but that there might be a direct road to
a new bridge. "You are taking," said the doctor, "a
church out of the way, that the people may go in a
straight line to the bridge." "No, sir," replied Gwyn,
""
"I am putting the church in the way, that the people
may not go out of the way.' Say no more, sir,”
rejoined the doctor, with a hearty laugh; "say no more;
rest your colloquial fame upon this."
A PROBLEM FOR TOTAL ABSTAINERS.
THOMAS HOOD says: "Puny draughts can hardly be
called drinking. Pints cannot be deemed potations."
384
JOKES AND JESTS,
་
WHOSE?
SYDNEY SMITH being ill, his physician advised him to
"take a walk upon an empty stomach." "Upon whose?"
said he.
A GOOD DIGESTION.
THE Duke of Cumberland (the "Foolish Duke," as he
was called) came one night into Foote's green-room at
the Hay-market Theater. "Well, Foote," said he,
"here I am, ready, as usual, to swallow all your good
things." "Your Royal Highness," replied Foote,
“must have an excellent digestion, for you never bring
any up again."
NOT SICK ENOUGH FOR THAT.
LORD PLUNKET is said to have acutely felt his forced
resignation of the Irish Chancellorship, and his super-
sedeas by Lord Campbell. A violent tempest arose on
the day of the latter's expected arrival, and a friend
remarking to Plunket how sick of his promotion the
passage must have made the new comer; "Yes," replied
the exchancellor, ruefully, "but it won't make him
throw up the seals."
A QUEER HANDKERCHIEF.
LORD BYRON, after his separation from his wife, pub-
lished his sentimental "Farewell," which became the
subject of after-dinner conversation in Curran's pres-
ence, and the opinion of the humorous barrister was
appealed to. "I protest," said Curran, "I do not
understand this kind of whimpering; here is a man who
first weeps over his wife, and then wipes his eyes with
the public."
WIT AND HUMOR.
385
NOT WEATHERBEATEN.
ONE of the last parties at which Theodore Hook was
present, was at Amen Corner, St. Paul's, where his
friend, "Thomas Ingoldsby," resided. He was unusually
late, and dinner was served before he made his appear:
ance. Mr. Barham apologized for having sat down
without him, observing that he had quite given him up,
and had supposed "that the weather had deterred him."
"Oh!” replied Hook, "I had determined to come,
weather or no."
ENTERING THE LISTS.
THE Duke of B, who was to have been one of the
knights of the Eglinton tournament, was lamenting that
he was obliged to excuse himself, on the ground of an
attack of the gout. "How," said he, "could I ever get
my poor puffed legs into those abominable iron boots?"
"It will be quite as appropriate," replied Hook, “if
your grace goes in your list shoes.”
INFORMATION EASILY ACQUIRED.
A FRIEND, viewing Putney Bridge from the terrace
of Hook's house at Fulham, observed that he had been
informed that it was a very good investment, and, turn-
ing to Theodore, inquired "if such were the case?" "I
don't know," was the answer; "but you have only to
cross it, and you are sure to be tolled."
FUNEREAL WIT.
THE face of Samuel Rogers, the banker, poet, and wit,
was remarkably pale, and it was the practice of those
most intimately acquainted with him, to compare it to
25
386
JOKES AND JESTS,
all sorts of funereal things. Lord Dudley once sug-
gested to him "setting up a hearse," a carriage for the
dead instead of one for the living. The poet had once
been at Spa, and told his noble friend that the place was
so full that he could not so much as find a bed to lie in,
and that he was therefore obliged to leave it. "Dear
me," replied Lord D., " was there no room in the church-
yard, Rogers?"
NO MATTER WHAT COLOR.
AN eminent Scottish divine happened to meet at the
house of a lawyer, whom he considered too sharp a prac-
titioner, two of his own parishioners. The lawyer jocu-
larly and ungraciously put the question, "Doctor, these
are members of your flock; may I ask, do you look upon
them as white sheep or as black sheep?" "I don't
know," answered the divine drily, "whether they are
black or white sheep; but I know if they are long here,
they are pretty sure to be fleeced."
A POSTHUMOUS MESSAGE.
A SERVANT of an old maiden lady, a patient of Dr.
Poole, of Edinburgh, was under orders to go to the
doctor every morning to report the state of her health,
how she had slept, etc., with strict injunctions always to
add, "with her compliments." At length one morning
the girl brought the following startling message: "Miss
S's compliments, and she de'ed last night at aicht
o'clock!"
EFFEMINACY REBUKED.
THE late Dr. Archer, of the Catholic Chapel, War-
wick Street, dining once at a friend's, met there an
effeminate stripling, who wore his hair in girlish length
·
J
WIT AND HUMOR.
387
On taking leave, the old
down upon his shoulders.
doctor went up to Young Languish, and playfully toss-
ing in his hand one of the youth's long locks, thus
addressed him, laying a very strong emphasis on the
word:
"Man wants but little here below,
Nor wants that little long."
A FRIGHTFUL SUGGESTION.
WHEN Macklin had established his fame in the char-
acter of Shylock, George the Second went to see him;
and the impression he received was so powerful that it
deprived him of rest throughout the night. In the
morning, Sir Robert Walpole waited on the king, to
express his fears that the Commons would oppose a cer-
tain measure then in contemplation.
"I wish, your
Majesty," said Sir Robert, "it were possible to find a
recipe for frightening the House of Commons!"
"What do you think,” replied the king, "of sending
them to the theater to see that Irishman play Shylock?"
A FREE TRANSLATION.
A SPORTING Somersetshire farmer, who had been
welcomed one morning at the mansion, stalked up to the
fire-place, over which he observed the well-known motto,
Pro aris et focis (for our altars and our hearths). "Ah!
squire," exclaimed he, "I see vou be all for the 'ares
and foxes up there too!"
NOT QUITE THE SAME THING.
THE king of France complained that his Iri regi-
ments gave him much uneasiness. "Sire," replied their
£88
JOKES AND JESTS,
commander, "your Majesty's enemies make the same
complaint."
SPEAKING ILL OF THE DEAD.
JEKYLL, being told of a brewer who had been drowned
in one of his vats, exclaimed, "Alas! poor man, floating
on his watery bier!"
A BOOTLESS CONSOLATION.
LATOUR MAUBOURG, when he lost his leg at the battle
of Leipsic, after he had suffered amputation with the
greatest courage, observed his valet crying in a corner
of the room: “What a fool you are, man," exclaimed
Latour; "henceforth you will have only one boot to
clean instead of two!"
LARGE, BUT NOT LARGE ENOUGII.
THE Rev. William Cole, of Cambridge, nicknamed
the Cardinal, was remarkable for what is called a "com-
fortable assurance." Dining in a party at the Uni-
versity, he took up from the table a gold snuff-box,
belonging to the gentleman seated next to him, and
bluntly remarked on its size, saying: "It was big
enough to hold the freedom of a corporation." "Yes,
Mr. Cole," replied the owner; "it would hold any free-
dom but yours."
SYDNEY SMITH SOPORIFIC.
A LADY complaining to Sydney Smith that she could
not sleep" I can furnish you," he said, " with a perfect
soporific. I have just published two volumes of
Sermons; take them up to bed with you. I recom-
mended them once to Blanco White, and before the
third page--he was fast asleep!"
WIT AND HUMOR.
389
THOUGHT OF BEEORE.
A BUTCHER, at the point of death, address'd
Unto his weeping wife this last request:
"A man is needful in our trade, and none
Can serve you better than our foreman John.
Lamb-like in heart, and bullock-like in limb,
You'll find a fit and faithful help in him.
So promise me, my love, that when I'm gone,
You'll think of my advice and marry John.”
The wife replied, and wiped away a tear,
"Alas! I thought of doing so, my dear."
QUITE ENOUGH.
MILTON was asked by a friend whether he would
instruct his daughters in the different languages, to
which he replied, "No, sir, one tongue is sufficient for
a woman."
VERY BEGGARLY.
THE Duke of Buckingham once said to Sir Robert
Viner, "I am absolutely afraid that I shall die a beg-
gar." "At the rate that you go on,” replied Sir Rob-
ert, “I am afraid that you will live one.”
MAKING PROGRESS.
A STUDENT, being asked what progress he had made
in the study of medicine, modestly replied, "I hope I
shall soon be fully qualified as physician, for I think I
am now able to cure a child."
IN THE BACKGROUND.
AN Irishman once ordered a painter to draw his
picture, and to represent him standing behind a tree.
?
390
JOKES AND JESTS,
·
A SPHINX FROM CONNAUGHT.
AN uninformed Irishman, hearing the Sphinx alluded
to in company, whispered to a friend, "The Sphinx!
who is that, now?" "A monster, man." "Oh, a
Munster-man. I thought he was from Connaught,'
rejoined the Irishman, determined not to seem totally
unacquainted with the family.
IRISH IMPRUDENCE.
""
In the year 1797, when democratic notions ran high,
the king's coach was attacked as his Majesty was going
to the House of Peers. A gigantic Hibernian, who was
conspicuously loyal in repelling the mob, attracted the
attention of the king. Not long after the Irishman
received a letter from Mr. Dundas to attend at his office.
He went, and met with a gracious reception from the
great man, who praised his loyalty and courage, and
desired him to point out any way in which he would
wish to be advanced, his Majesty being desirous to
reward him. Half thunderstruck, Pat exclaimed, “The
devil take me if I know what I'm fit for." "Nay, my
good fellow,” cried Harry, "think a moment, and dinna
throw yourself out o' the way o' fortun'." Pat hesitated
a moment, and then smirkingly said, "I'll tell you
what, mister, make a Scotchman of me, and, by St.
Patrick, there'll be no fear of my gettin' on." The
minister, dumbfounded for a moment by the mal-
apropos hit, replied, "Make a Scotchman of you, sir;
that's impossible, for I can't give you prudence."
A MAYOR AT FAULT.
WHEN Louis XIV. was received by the City of
WIT AND HUMOR.
391
Beaune, he tasted their wine and praised it.
“Sire,”
said the mayor, "it is not to be compared with what we
have in our cellars." "Which you keep, no doubt, for
a better occasion," replied the king.
NEGATIVES AND POSITIVES.
MR. PITT was disputing at a cabinet dinner on the
energy and beauty of the Latin language. In support
of the superiority which he affirmed it to have over the
English, he asserted that two negatives made a thing
more positive than one affirmative possibly could.
"Then," said Thurlow, "your father and mother must
have been two complete negatives to make such a positive
fellow as you are."
A REASONABLE ANTIPATHY.
-
WHEN the imposture of young Ireland was at the
height of its success, and all the literary world was
thronging to Norfolk street to see the pretended Shakes-
pere MSS., Professor Porson was prevailed upon to go.
After looking at the MSS. for some time, hẽ turned
aside to survey the room. Astonished at his indifference,
Mr. Ireland requested him to put down his name amongst
those who believed in their genuineness. At first Porson
endeavored to excuse himself as not being an English
antiquary; but being importuned, he said: "Mr. Ireland,
I detest from the very bottom of my heart subscriptions
of all kinds, but especially subscriptions to articles of
faith."
A LEANING TO SIN.
A COUNTRY rector, in his discourse on the henious sins
of cheating and defrauding one's neighbors, unluckily
392
JOKES AND JESTS,
•
leaned a good deal over the pulpit; when a rustic wit
remarked, on retiring from the church, that their parson
had omitted to mention the most monstrous sin of all,
that of overreaching.
QUITE ENOUGH OF IT.
AN Indian being condemned to die by the Spaniards,
was exhorted by a Franciscan friar to turn Christian,
being assured that if he did he would go to heaven.
"Are there any Spaniards there?" inquired the victim
of Spanish cupidity. "Yes," said the friar; "it is full
of them." "Nay, then," retorted the Indian, "I would
rather have no more of their company."
HOW TO ESCAPE TAXATION.
I WOULD, says Fox, a tax devise,
That shall not fall on me,
Then tax receipts, Lord North replies,
For those you never see.
BRINGING HIS MAN DOWN.
ROGERS used to relate this story: An Englishman and
a Frenchman fought a duel, in summer time; and not
to make the act public, and the better to satisfy their
consciences in case of the result proving fatal, they
agreed to fight in a darkened room. The Englishman,
unwilling to take his antagonist's life, generously fired
up the chimney, and brought down the Frenchman.
"When I tell this story in France," pleasantly added.
the relator, "I make the Englishman go up the
chimney."
LEGALLY VOID.
AN eminent special pleader visited the theater, when
WIT AND HUMOR.
393
the play enacted was " Macbeth." In the scene where
Macbeth questioning the witches in cavern, says, " What
is't you do?" the answer, "A deed without a name."
This phrase struck the ears of the lawyer, who turned
to a friend and said, "Why, then, it's void.”
A POOR EXCUSE.
•
An author, not unfriendly to the bottle, when sur-
prised one evening in his arm-chair, two or three hours
after dinner, is reported to have apologized by saying,
"When one is alone, the bottle does come round so con-
foundedly often."
A GHOST IN DANGER.
Ar the time that Garrick performed in Goodman's
Fields, the stage inclined from the pit at so steep a
gradient, that it was difficult to walk on it. One night
the play was "Hamlet," and the ghost, whose suit of
armor had been borrowed from the Tower, being encum-
bered by its weight, when put up from the trap, was
unable to keep his balance, and rolled down to the
lamps, where he lay, "confined in lasting fires," till a
wag in the pit drew the attention of the other per-
formers, by crying out, "The ghost will be burned!"
A CRUEL DISAPPOINTMENT.
POPE, the actor, well known for his devotion to culi-
nary products in general, and to venison in particular,
received an invitation to dinner, accompanied by an
apology for the simplicity of the intended fare--a small
turbot, and a boiled edge bone of beef.
"The very
thing of all others that I like," exclaimed Pope; "I will
894.
JOKES AND JESTI
come with the greatest pleasure;" and como ho did, and
eat he did, till he could literally eat no longer. Then
the word was given, and a haunch of venison, fit for an
emperor, was brought in. Pope divined at a glance
the nature of the trap that had been laid for him; but
he was fairly caught, and after a puny effort at trifling
with a delicious slice, he laid down his knife and fork,
and gave way to an hysterical burst of tears, exclaiming,
"A friend of twenty years' standing, and to be served in
this manner!"
WEEDS TO BE ERADICATED.
SOME one wrote the following:-
Why is a garden's wilder'd maze,
Like a young widow fresh and fair?
Because it wants some hand to 'rase,
The weeds which have no business there.
A SUGGESTIVE QUESTION.
DOUGLAS JERROLD, discussing one day with Mr.
Planche the vexed question of adapting dramatic pieces
from the French, that gentleman insisted upon claiming
some of his characters as strictly original creation. “Do
you remember my Baroness in Ask no Questions?" said
Mr. P. "Yes, indeed, I don't think I ever saw a piece
of yours without being struck by your barrenness,” was
the retort.
EQUITABLE LAW.
A RICH man made his will, leaving all he had to a
company of fellow citizens to dispose of, but reserving
to his right heir "such a portion as pleased them.” The
heir having sued the company for his share of the prop-
WIT AND HUMOR.
395
erty, the judge inquired whether they wished to carry
out the will of the testator, and if so, what provision
they proposed making for the heir? "He shall have a
tenth part," said they, "and we will retain for ourselves
the other nine." "Take, then," said the judge, "the
tenth part to yourselves, and leave the rest to the heir;
for by the will he is to have what part 'pleaseth you.'
66
BENEATH THE LOWEST DEEP A LOWER DEEP.
""
,,,
Ar the close of a tavern dinner, two of the company
fell down stairs, the one tumbling to the first landing-
place, the other rolling to the bottom. Some one
remarked that the first seemed dead drunk. "Yes,"
observed a wag, "but he is not so far gone as the gen-
tleman below."
A DIFFERENT CASE.
A STUDENT in one of the universities sent to another
to borrow a certain book. "I
"I never lend my books
out," said he, “but if the gentleman chooses to come
to my chambers, he may make use of it as long as he
pleases." A few days, after he that had refused the
book sent to the other to borrow a pair of bellows.
never lend my bellows out," says the other, "but if the
gentleman chooses to come to my chambers, he may use
them as long as he pleases."
A POSSIBLE MISTAKE.
"I
VOLTAIRE once praised another writer very heartily.
"It is very strange," said the person whom he was
addressing, “that you speak so well of him, for he says
that you are a charlatan." "Oh," replied Voltaire, "I
think it is very likely that both of us may be mistaken."
“I
396
JOKES AND JESTS,
GOING FURTHER TO FARE WORSE.
THE late Father O'Leary, who was well known as a
wit, had once a polemical contest with the Protestant
Bishop of Cloyne. The prelate, in a pamphlet, inveighed
with great acrimony against the superstitions of Popery,
and particularly against the doctrine of purgatory,
Father O'Leary, in his reply, slyly observed "that,
much as the bishop disliked purgatory, he might possi-
bly go further and fare worse."
A SUPERFLUOUS SCRAPER.
FOOTE, being annoyed by a poor fiddler straining harsh
discord under his window, sent him out a shilling, with
a request that he would play elsewhere, as one scraper.
at the door was sufficient.
RIGID IMPARTIALITY.
SYDNEY SMITH, calling one day upon a fellow con-
tributor to "Edinburgh Review," found him reading a
book preparatory to writing an account of it, and expos-
tulated with him. "Why, how do you manage?" asked
his friend. "I never," said the wit, "read a book before
reviewing it; it prejudices one so."
LATE AND EARLY.
THE regular routine of clerkly business ill suited the
literary tastes and the wayward habits of Charles Lamb.
Once, at the India House, a superior said to him, “I
have remarked, Mr. Lamb, that you come very late to
the office." "Yes, sir," replied the wit, "but you must
remember that I go away early." The oddness of the
excuse silenced the reprover
WIT AND HUMOR.
397
AN ECONOMICAL PROPOSITION.
Two officers, observing a fine girl in a milliner's shop,
the one, an Irishman, proposed to go in and buy a watch-
ribbon in order to get a nearer view of her. "Hoot
mon," says his northern friend, "nae occasion to waste
siller; let us gang in and speer if she can give us twa
saxpences for a shilling."
A FORCIBLE ANALOGY.
An officer and a lawyer, talking of a disastrous battle,
the former was lamenting the number of brave soldiers
who fell on the occasion, when the lawyer observed,
"that those who lived by the sword must expect to die
by the sword." "By a similar" rule, retorted the officer,
"Those who live by the law must expect to die by the
law."
AN ALPHABETICAL REASON FOR DULLNESS.
A GENTLEMAN traveling inside a coach, was endeavor-
ing, with considerable earnestness, to impress some
argument upon a fellow-passenger who was seated oppo-
site to him, and who appeared rather dull of apprehension.
At length, being slightly irritated, he exclaimed in a
louder tone, "Why, sir, it's as plain as A, B, C!"
"That may be," quietly replied the other, "but I am
D, E, F!"
(C
SOMETHING WORTH THINKING ABOUT.
ARCHBISHOP SANCROFT once said to Mr. Betterton:
Pray, can you inform me what is the reason you actors
on the stage, speaking of things imaginary, affect your
audience as if they were real; while we in the church
speak of things real, which our congregations receive
398
JOKES AND JESTS,
only as if they were imaginary?" "Why, really, my
lord," answered Betterton, "I don't know, unless it is
that we actors speak of things imaginary as if they were
real, while you in the pulpit speak of things real as if
they were imaginary."
HIS WAY-OUT.
SIR RICHARD JEBB, the famous physician, who was
very rough and harsh in his manner, once observed to a
patient to whom he had been extremely rude, "Sir, it is
my way."
"Then," returned his indignant patient,
pointing to the door, "I beg you will make that your
way!"
LIBERTY ENOUGH FOR ANYONE.
On one occasion, a lady, consulting Abernethy, teased
him with questions, following in such quick succession
that it seemed they would never end.
The usually
brusque medico bore her inquiries with more than ordi-
nary patience; but at length he fairly succumbed.
May I eat oysters?"-"May I eat suppers?"-" May
(the lady was continuing).
“I'll tell you what,
ma'am,” exclaimed Abernethy, "you may eat anything
but the poker and bellows; for the one is too hard of
digestion, and the other is too full of wind!"
66
I
""
A COLLATERAL ISSUE
CURRAN used to relate, facetiously enough, an attack
which he once made upon the simplicity and laughter-
loving disposition of his friend the Chief Baron, Lord
Avonmore, who, with all his other qualifications, piqued
himself, and very justly, on his profound classical acqui-
sitions. Curran was one day addressing a jury of Dub-
WIT AND HUMOR.
399
lin shopkeepers, so stupid and so illiterate, that the finest
flights of his eloquence were lost on them. "I remem-
ber, gentlemen," said he, stealing a side glance at the
unconscious and attentive Lord Avonmore," I remem-
ber the ridicule with which my learned friend has been
pleased so unworthily to visit the poverty of my client;
and remembering it, neither of us can forget the fine sen-
timent of a great Greek historian upon the subject, which
I shall take the liberty of quoting in the original, as no
doubt it must be most familiar to all of you. It is to
be found in the celebrated work of Hesiod called the
Phantasmagoria. After expatiating upon the sad effects
of poverty, you may remember he pathetically remarks:
'Nil habet infelix paupertas durius in se
Quam quod ridiculos homines facit.'"
Lord Avonmore bristled up at once. "Why, Mr.
Curran, Eesiod was not an historian-he was a poet;
and, for my part, I never heard before of any such poem
as the Phantasmagoria." "Oh! my good lord, I assure
you he wrote it." "Well, well, it may be so-I'll not
dispute it, as you seem to be so very serious about it;
but, at all events, the lines you quoted are Latin-they
are undoubtedly Juvenal's. "Perhaps, my lord, he
quotes them from the Phantasmagoria." "Tut, tut,
man; I tell
you they're Latin-they are just as familiar
to me as my Blackstone." "Indeed, my good lord,
they're Greek."
Why, Mr. Curran, do you want to
persuade me out of my senses! I tell you they're Latin
66
-can it be possible that your memory so fails you?"
"Well, my lord, I see plainly enough we can never
agree upon the subject; but I tell you how it can be
400
JOKES AND JESTS.
easily determined. If it was a legal question, of course
I should bow at once to the decision of your lordship;
but it is not—it's a mere matter of fact, and there's only
one way I know of deciding it: send it up as a collateral
issue to the jury, and I'll be bound they'll find it
Greek!" The joke flashed upon the simplicity of Lord
Avonmore; and Curran extended (as he said) his
immense hand over the cheek that was next the jury-
box, by way of shutting them entirely out of the secret.
PRIVATION AND ASPIRATION.
CURRAN while at college, was called before the board
for wearing a dirty shirt. "I pleaded," said he, "ina-
bility to wear a clean one; and I told their reverences the
story of pour Lord Avonmore, at that time Barry Yelver-
ton. I wish, mother,' said Barry, 'I had eleven shirts.'
Eleven, Barry; why eleven? Because, mother, I am
of opinion that a gentleman, to be comfortable, ought to
have a dozen.' Poor Barry," added Curran, "had but
one, and I made the precedent my justification.
6
A CASE OF SMUGGLING.
A LADY asked a very silly Scotch nobleman how it
happened that the Scots who came out of their own
country were, generally speaking, men of more abilities.
than those who remained at home. "Oh, madame,"
said he, "the reason is obvious. At every outlet there
are persons stationed to examine all who pass, that, for
the honor of the country, no one be permitted to leave it
who is not a man of understanding." "Then," said she,
"I suppose your lordship was smuggled over the border."
1
WIT AND HUMOR.
401
SOMETHING TO BE PROUD OF.
SHERIDAN was once talking to a friend about the
Prince Regent, who took great credit to himself for
various public measures, as if they had been directed by
his political skill, or foreseen by his political sagacity.
"But," said Sheridan, "what his Royal Highness more
particularly prides himself in, is the late excellent har-
vest."
ASSURANCE AND INSURANCE.
STERNE, the author of the "Sentimental Journey,"
who had the credit of treating his wife very ill, was one
day talking to Garrick in a fine sentimental manner in
praise of conjugal love and fidelity: "The husband,"
said he, with amazing assurance, "who behaves
unkindly to his wife, deserves to have his house burnt
over his head." "If you think so," replied Garrick,
"I hope your house is insured."
EXTREMELY SULPHUROUS.
LORD CHESTERFIELD, being told that a certain ter-
magant and scold was married to a gamester, replied,
"that cards and brimstone made the best matches."
AN INVOLUNTARY CONFESSION,
A LITERARY lady, expressing to Dr. Johnson her
approbation of his Dictionary, and in particular her sat-
isfaction at his not admitting into it any improper
words; "No, madam,” replied he, "I hope I have not
soiled my fingers; I find, however, that you have been
looking for them."
VISIBLY LOSING.
In an election for the burough of Tallagh, Councillor
26
402
JOKES AND JESTS,
Egan, or "Bully Egan," as he was familiarly called,
being an unsuccessful candidate, appealed to a Commit-
tee of the House of Commons. It was in the heat of
a very warm summer, and Egan (who was an immensely
stout man), was struggling through the crowd, his hand-
kerchief in one hand, his wig in the other, and his
whole countenance raging like the dog-star, when he
met Curran. "I'm sorry for you, my dear fellow," said
Curran. "Sorry! why so, Jack, why so? I'm perfectly
at my ease." "Alas! Egan, it is but too visible that
you're losing tallow (Tallagh) fast.”
EVERYBODY'S MASTER.
DR. BUSBY was asked how he contrived to keep all
his preferments, including the head-mastership of West-
minster School, through the successive but turbulent
reigns of Charles I., Oliver Cromwell, Charles II., and
James? He replied, "The fathers govern the nation;
the mothers govern the fathers; but the boys govern
the mothers, and I govern the boys."
ENGLISH AND GERMAN-ENGLISH.
When the German mistresses of King George the Sec-
ond were driving through the streets of London, the
populace shouted after and greatly affrighted them.
Madam Kilmansegge (afterwards Countess of Darlington)
put her head out of the coach, and cried in bad English,
"Good people, why you abuse us? we came for all your
goods." "Yes," answered a fellow in the crowd, "And
for all our chattels too."
A CUTTING REBUKE.
MR. PENN, a young gentleman well-known for his
WIT AND HUMOR.
403
eccentricities, having walked from Hyde Park Corner to
Hammersmith, for a wager of one hundred guineas, sev-
eral gentlemen who witnessed the contest spoke of it to
the Duchess of Gordon, remarking that it was a pity a
man with so many good qualities as Penn had, should
be so incessantly playing pranks which excluded him
from polite circles. "It is so," said her grace; "but
why don't you advise him better? He seems to be a
pen that everybody cuts, but nobody mends."
ELIZABETHAN WIT.
SIR THOMAS GRESHAM, who built the Exchange of
London, also erected Asterly House, Middlesex, where
he once had the honor of entertaining and lodging Queen
Elizabeth. Her Majesty much commended his mansion,
but found fault with the court-yard before it, which
seemed to her much too large. "Were it divided,"
said she, "with a wall in the middle, nothing would be
better." What does Sir Thomas, but in the night time
sends for workmen to London, who so speedily and
silently apply their business, that the next morning dis-
covered the court double; which, when the queen per-
ceived, she wittily observed, "It was no wonder Sir
Thomas could so soon change a building who could build
a change!"
SCANDALOUS INGRATITUDE.
CUMBERLAND being asked his opinion of Sheridan's
"School for Scandal," replied: "I'm astonished that the
town can be so duped! I went to see his comedy, and
never laughed once from the beginning to the end."
This observation being repeated to Sheridan, "That's
ungrateful of him," cried he, "for I went to see his
404
JOKES AND JESTS,
tragedy the other night, and did nothing but laugh from
beginning to end."
AN UNWASHED RELIGION.
A ROMANIST, in warm dispute with Wilkes, observed,
"Where was your religion before Luther?" "Did you
wash your face this morning?" "I did, sir."
“Well,
then, where was your face before it was washed?"
A SMART ONE-POUNDER.
WHILE the "Beggar's Opera" was under rehearsal at
the Haymarket Theater, in 1823, Miss Paton, who was to
play the part of Polly, expressed a wish to sing the air
of "The Miser thus a Shilling sees," a note higher; to
which the stage-manager immediately replied, "Then,
Miss, you must sing, The Miser thus a Guinea sees.'"
6
A GOOD HIT.
A SPORTSMAN was boasting that he had once killed
three dozen hares before breakfast. "Zounds! Sir,"
said a wit, "you must have been firing at a wig."
A TRUMPET BLAST.
THEODORE HOOK, hearing the Duke of Darmstadt's
brass band play at a morning concert, observed: "They
well nigh stun one with those terrible wind-instruments,
which roar away in defiance of all rule, except that which
Hoyle addresses to young whist-players, when in doubt
-trump it."
FAIRLY WON.
THE only practical joke in which Richard Harris
Barham (better known known by his nom-de-plume of
Thomas Ingolsby) ever personally engaged, was enacted
when he was a boy at Canterbury. In company with a
2
WIT AND HUMOR.
405
schoolfellow, D———, now a gallant major, he entered a
Quakers' meeting-house; when looking round at the
grave assembly, the latter held up a penny tart, and
said solemnly, "Whoever speaks first shall have this
pie." "Go thy way, boy," said a drab-colored gentle-
man, rising; "go thy way, and ""The pie's yours,
sir!" exclaimed D— placing it before the astonished
speaker and hastily effecting his escape.
A DUCK OUT OF SEASON.
ONE day, whilst rowing with a friend off the Swan
Inn at Battersea, by some mischance Douglas Jerrold
fell backwards into the water, and with much difficulty
was got again into the boat. He was conveyed ashore,
and put to bed in the Swan. "I suppose,” said he to
the chambermaid, "these accidents happen frequently off
here."
"Oh, yes, sir, frequently; but it's not the sea-
son yet." "Ah!" rejoined Jerrold, surveying himself,
"I suppose it's all owing to a backward spring!" "That's
it, sir,” said the girl.
AN EXCHANGE OF COMPLIMENTS.
Two men of fashion meeting a beautiful lady in a
narrow street in Glasgow, her ear caught the following
observations: "I protest, Jack, this place is as narrow
as Balaam's passage" (the lane so called in Glasgow).
"Yes," said his companion, "and like Balaam I'm
stopped by an angel." "And I," retorted the lady,
"by the ass!"
WIT FOR GROUNDLINGS.
A WAG, passing through a country town, observed a
fellow placed in the stocks. "My friend," said he, "I
advise you by all means to sell out." "I should have
406
JOKES AND JESTS,
Ac
=
no objection, sir," the unfortunate drily replied, “but
at present they seem much too low."
A DISTINGUISHED LORD.
A JOCKEY lord met his old college tutor at a great
horse fair. "Ah! doctor," exclaimed the peer, "what
brings you here among so much cattle? Do you think,
now, you can tell a horse from an ass?"
replied the tutor, "I distinguished you
horses."
SELF-POSSESSED, BUT NOT IMPUDENT.
"My lord,"
among the
Mr. GARROW, in examining a very young lady, who
was a witness in a case of assault, asked her if the person
who was assaulted did not use language so bad that he
(the learned counsel) had not impudence enough to
repeat it. She replied in the affirmative.
“Will you,
madam, he kind enough, then," said he, "to tell the
court what his words were?" "Why, sir," replied she,
"if you have not impudence enough to speak them, how
can you suppose that I have?"
EPICUREAN PHILOSOPHY.
WHEN Lord, who was an epicure, shot himself,
Lord S said, "Well, I am very sorry for poor
but it is the part of a wise man to make the best of every
misfortune. I shall now have the best cook in Eng-
land."
A HEAVENLY LOCALITY.
!
A SCOTCHMAN maintained that the Garden of Eden
was certainly placed in Scotland. "For," said he,
"have we not all within a mile of one another, 'Adam's
Mount,' the 'Elysium Fields,' 'Paradise Place,' and the
city of Eden-burgh?"
:
WIT AND HUMOR.
407
A WISH WITH TWO SIDES TO IT.
SIR WALTER SCOTT, meeting an Irish beggar in the
street, who importuned him for sixpence, the Great
Unknown, not having one, gave him a shilling, adding,
with a laugh, “Mind, now, sir, you owe me sixpence."
"Och, sure enough," said the beggar, "and God grant
you life till I pay you!"
CHOICE SPIRITS.
An eminent spirit merchant in Dublin not long since
announced, in one of the Irish papers, that he has still a
small quantity of the whisky on sale which was drunk
by his late Majesty while in Dublin.
A DISTINCTION, BUT NOT MUCH DIFFERENCE.
A GENTLEMAN, asking Dr. Johnson why he hated
the Scotch, was answered, "I don't hate them, sir;
neither do I hate frogs; but I don't like to have them
hopping about my chamber."
NOT WORTH TAKING AWAY.
SOME person whom Quin had offended one day met
him in the street, and stopped him. "Mr. Quin," said
he, "I-I-I understand you have been taking away
my name."
“What have I said, sir?" "You—you—
you called me a scoundrel, sir." "Oh, then keep your
name, sir," replied Quin, and walked on.
THE TEST OF ENGLISH POLITENESS.
A LADY observed to Lord Chesterfield one day that
the French were a more polite people than the English;
and his lordship not immediately replying, the lady
enforced her opinion by saying, "My lord, the English
408
JOKES AND JESTS,
confess it themselves." "Nay, then,” replied the peer,
"that confession proves the English superior in polite-
ness.
A MALAPROPOS ANNOUNCEMENT.
AN Irish bailiff, having been directed by a former
Lady Hardwick, who was by no means slender, to procure
a sow of the breed and size she particularly described to
him, rushed one evening into the dining-room, when full
of company, proclaiming with a loud burst of joy which
he could not suppress, "I've been at Royston fair, my
lady, and got a sow exactly of your ladyship's size.”
AN EQUIVOCAL PREFERENCE.
A GENTLEMAN was describing to Douglas Jerrold the
story of his courtship and marriage-how his wife had
been brought up in a convent, and was on the point of
taking the veil, when his presence burst upon her enrap-
tured sight, and she accepted him as her husband.
Jerrold listened to the end of the story, and then quietly
remarked, “Ah! she evidently thought you better than
nun."
NOT A BAD SHOT.
AFTER two or three miss-fires, M—— exclaimed, “I
can't think why my gun won't go off." "Perhaps," said
N, "you haven't paid your shot."
AN UNEQUAL ARRANGEMENT.
Two young Irishmen, wishing to live cheaply, and to
divide their expenses, agreed the one to board and the
other to lodge.
A PEERLESS PUN.
THE French, said Thomas Hood, always, put the cart
before the horse: Pere le chaise, for a chaise and pair.
WIT AND HUMOR.
409
PAYING FOR WIT, NOT WORK.
A PAVIOR, to whom Dr. Ratcliffe, the celebrated phy-
sician, was indebted, after many fruitless attempts, caught
him just stepping out of his chariot, and demanded the
amount of his bill. "What, you rascal!" exclaimed the
doctor; "do you pretend to be paid for such a piece of
work? Why, you have spoiled my pavement, and then
covered it over with earth to hide your bad work!"
"Doctor, doctor, said the pavior, "mine is not the only
bad work that the earth hides!" "You dog," rejoined
the laughing doctor, "you are a wit; you must be poor;
come in and I'll pay you," which he did.
TOO QUICK-TEMPERED BY HALF.
THE footman of a gentleman possessed of a most
irritable temper, desired to be dismissed. "Why do you
leave me?" asked his master. "Because, to speak
the truth, sir, I cannot bear your temper. "To be
sure, I am passionate; but my passion is no sooner on
than it is off." "Yes," rejoined the servant; "but
then it is no sooner off than it is on."
A SLIGHT MISUNDERSTANDING.
A CLERGYMAN, at a funeral in Marylebone, went on
with the service until he came to the words, "Our
deceased [brother or sister]." Not remembering the
sex of the deceased person, the clergyman turned to
one of the mourners, and asked, in the language of the
Prayer Book, "Brother or sister?" The man addressed,
very innocently replied, "No relation at all, sir, only
an acquaintance.'
""
TRUTH IN A PARADOX.
A CITIZEN dying greatly in debt, one creditor remarked,
410
JOKES AND JESTS;
"There's so much of mine gone with him."
"And he
carried so much of mine," said another. A person hear-
ing them make their several complaints, interposed,
"Well, I see now, that though a man can carry noth-
ing of his own out of this world, yet he may carry a
great deal of other men's."
A WISE HEAD.
WHEN Henry VIII. sent an offer of his hand to the
Princess of Parma, she replied that she was greatly
obliged to his Majesty for his compliment, and that, if
she had two heads, one of them should be at his service,
but, as she had only one, she could not spare it.
PROFESSIONAL RECOGNITION.
THE story of John Kemble's money being refused by
Richardson at his show at Bartholomew fair, on the
ground that he always placed the "profession" on the
free list, was capitally improved upon in the case of
Miss Kelly. Standing one day in the street, enjoying
the vagaries of Punch with the rest of the crowd, the
showman came up to her, and solicited a contribution.
She was not very ready in answering the demand, when
the fellow, taking care to make her understand that he
knew who she was, exclaimed, "Ah! it's all over with
the drama, if we don't encourage one another."
3
CURIOUS EPITAPHS.
i
ON A SCOLDING WOMAN.
(Written in an old copy of the Book of Job.)
We lived one and twentie yeare,
Like man and wife together;
I could no longer have her here,
She's gone-I know not whither.
If I could guess, I doe professe
(I speak it not to flatter),
Of all the women in the worlde,
I never could come at her!
Her body is bestowed well,
A handsome grave doth hide her;
And sure, her soule is not in hell-
The Fiend could nere abide her!
I think she mounted up on high,
For in the last great thunder,
Methought. I heard her voice on high,
Rending the cloud in sunder.
ON THOMAS WOODCOCK.
Here lies the remains of Thomas Wood-hen,
The most amiable of husbands and excellent of men.
N.B.-His real name was Woodcock, but it wouldn't
rhyme.-His Widow.
412
412
CURIOUS EPITAPHS.
IN BURY CHURCHYARD, SUFFOLK.
Here lies Jane Kitchen, who, when her glass was spent,
Kickt up her heels-and away she went.
ON NELL BATCHELOUR, THE OXFORD PIE-WOMAN.
Here into the dust
The mould'ring crust
Of Eleanor Batchelour's shoven;
Well vers'd in the arts
Of pies, custards, and tarts,
And the lucrative skill of the oven.
When she'd liv'd long enough
She made her last puff-
A puff by her husband much prais'd;
Now here she does lie,
And makes a dirt pie,
In hopes that her crust may be rais'd!
ON SIR WILLIAM CURTIS.
Here lies William Curtis, late our Lord Mayor.
Who has left this here world and gone to that there.
ON CAPTAIN STONE.
As the earth the earth doth cover,
So under this stone lies another.
ON A QUARRELSOME MAN.
Beneath this stone lies one whose life
Was spent in quarrels, and in strife.
Wake not his spirit from its rest,
For when he slept the world was blest.
IN THETFORD CHURCHYARD.
My grandfather lies buried here,
}
CURIOUS EPITAPHS.
413
My cousin Jane, and two uncles dear;
My father perished with inflammation in the thighs,
And my sister dropt down dead in the Minories.
But the reason I'm here interred, according to thinking,
Is owing to my good living and hard drinking;
If therefore, good Christians, you wish to live long,
Don't drink too much wine, brandy, gin, or anything
strong.
IN ST. JOHN'S CHURCH, CHESTER-
ON A SWIFT-FOOTED MAN.
Here lies the swift racer, so famed for his running.
In spite of his boasting, his swiftness, and cunning;
In leaping o'er ditches, and skipping o'er fields,
Death soon overtook him, and tript up his heels.
ON THE DRIVER OF THE COACH THAT RAN BETWEEN
AYLESBURY AND LONDON.
By the Rev. H. Bullen, Vicar of Dunton, Bucks, in whose church-
yard the man was buried.
Parker, farewell! thy journey now is ended.
Death has the whip-hand, and with dust's blended;
Thy way-bill is examined, and I trust,
Thy last account may prove exact and just.
When He who drives the chariot of the day,
Where life is light, whose Word's the living way,
Where travelers, like yourself, of every age,
And every clime, have taken their last stage-
The God of Mercy, and the God of Love,
Show you the road to Paradise above!
IN BENGEO OLD CHURCHYARD, HERTFORDSHIRE.
The world's a city full of crooked streets;
Death is the market-place where man man meets;
414
CURIOUS EPITAPHS.
If life were merchandise which men could buy,
The rich would always live, the poor alone would die.
ON A YOUNG LADY.
Beneath this stone a lump of clay,
Lies Arabella Young;
Who on the 24th of May,
Began to hold her tongue.
AN IRISH EPITAPH.
Here lies the body of Jonathan Ground,
Who was lost at sea and never was found.
!
ON DR. STAFFORD, A REMARKABLY FAT MAN.
Take heed, O good traveler, and do not tread hard,
For here lies Dr. Stafford in all this churchyard.
ON FREDERICK PRINCE OF WALES, FATHER OF GEORGE III.
Here lies Prince Fred,
!
Gone down among the dead;
Had it been his father,
We had much rather;
Had it been his mother,
Better than any other;
Had it been his sister,
Few would have miss'd her;
Had it been the whole generation,
Ten times better for the nation;
But since 'tis only Fred,
There's no more to be said!
ON JOSEPH BLACKET, POET AND SHOEMAKER, OF SEAHAM,
OB. 1810.
Stranger! behold interr'd together,
The souls of learning and of leather.
+
CURIOUS EPITAPHS.
415
3
Poor Joe is gone, but left his all—
You'll find his relics in a stall.
His works were neat, and often found
Well-stitched, and with morocco bound.
Tread lightly—where the bard is laid
He cannot mend the shoe he made;
Yet he is happy in his hole,
With verse immortal as his sole.
But still to business he held fast,
And stuck to Phoebus to the last.
Then who shall say so good a fellow
Was only leather and prunella?
For character he did not lack it,
And if he did-'twere shame to Black-it!
-Byron.
ON WILLIAM MAGINN, WALTON-ON-THAMES. (AUGUST, 1842.)
Here, early to bed, lies kind William Maginn,
Who with genius, wit, learning, life's trophies to win,
Had neither great lord, nor rich cit of his kin,
Nor discretion to set himself up as to tin:
So his portion soon spent, like the poor heir of Lynn,
He turn'd author, ere yet there was beard on his chin;
And whoever was out, or whoever was in,
For your Tories his fine Irish brains he would spin;
Who received prose and rhyme with promising grin,
"Go a-head, you queer fish, and more pow'r to your fin!"
But to save from starvation stirred never a pin.
Light for long was his heart, tho' his breeches were thin,
Else his acting, for certain, was equal to Quin:
But at last he was beat, and sought help of the bin,
(All the same to the doctor, from claret to gin!)
¡
416
CURIOUS EPITAPHS.
Which led swiftly to jail, with consumption therein.
It was much, when the bones rattled loose in the skin.
He got leave to die here, out of Babylon's din
Barring drink and the girls, I ne'er heard of a sin,
Many worse, better few, than bright, broken Maginn!
-J. G. Lockhart.
ON FOOTE.
Foote from this earthly stage, alas! is hurl'd;
Death took him off, who took off all the world.
ON THE MARQUIS OF ANGLESEA'S LEG.
Here lies, and let no saucy knave
Presume to sneer or laugh
To learn, that mould'ring in this cave
Is laid a British calf.
For he who writes these lines is sure
That those who read the whole,
Would find that laugh were premature,
For here, too, lies a sole.
And here five little ones repose,
Twin born with other five;
Unheeded by their brother toes,
Who now are all alive.
A leg and foot, to speak more plain,
Rest here of one commanding;
And tho' his wits he may retain,
Lost half his understanding.
Who, when the guns, with thunder fraught,
Foured bullets thick as hail,
Could only in this way be brought
To give the foe leg-bail
And now in England, just as gay
CURIOUS EPITAPHS.
417
As in the battle brave,
Goes to the rout, review, or play,
With one foot in the grave.
Fortune, indeed, has shown her spite,
For he will still be found,
Should England's foes engage in fight,
Resolved to stand his ground:
And but indulged in harmless whim,
Since he could walk with one,
She saw two legs were lost on him,
Who never deigned to run.
ON RICHARD BURKE.
Here lies honest Richard, whose fate I must sigh at;
Alas! that such frolic should now be so quiet!
What spirits were his! what wit and what whim!
Now breaking a jest, and now breaking a limb!
Now wrangling and grumbling to keep up the balf!
Now teasing and vexing, yet laughing at all!
In short, so provoking a fellow was Dick,
That we wished him full ten times a day at Old Nick;
But missing his mirth and agreeable vein,
As often we wished to have Dick back again!
IN ST. PETER'S CHURCHYARD, ISLE OF THANET.
Against his will,
Here lies George Hill,
Who trom a cliff
Fell down quite stiff;
When it happened is not known,
Therefore not mentioned on this stone.
ON A LANDLADY.
Assigned by Providence to rule a tap,
27
418
CURIOUS EPITAPHS.
My days pass glibly, till an awkward rap,
Someway, like bankruptcy, impell'd me down.
But up I got again and shook my gown
In gamesome gambols, quite as brisk as ever,
Blithe as the lark, and gay as sunny weather;
Compos'd with creditors, at five in pound,
And frolick'd on till laid beneath this ground.
The debt of Nature must, you know, be paid,
No trust from her-God grant extent in aid!
ON A BARREN WOMAN.
Here lies the body of barren Peg,
Who had no issue but one in her leg;
But while she was living, she was so cunning,
That when one stood still, the other was running.
IN GRANTHAM CHURCHYARD.
John Palfreyman, who is buried here,
Was aged four-and-twenty year;
And near this place his mother lies,
Likewise his father-when he dies.
ON AN INFANT.
Beneath this stone lies our dear child,
Who's gone away from we,
For evermore into eternity;
Where we do hope that us shall go to he,
But him can never come back to we.
ON MRS. DEATH.
Here lies Death's wife: when this way next you tread,
Be not surprised should Death himself be dead.
CURIOUS EPITAPHS.
419
IN CRIENCESTER CHURCHYARD, GLOUCESTERSHIRE.
Our bodies are like shoes, which off we cast,
Physic their cobblers, and Death their last.
AT LAVANT, SUSSEX—ON MR. SAMPFORD, BLACKSMITH.
My sledge and hammer lie reclin'd,
My bellows too have lost their wind;
My fire's extinct, my forge decayed,
And in the dust my vise is laid;
My coal is spent, my iron gone,
My nails are drove, my work is done.
AT FRINDSBURY, KENT-ON MRS. LEE AND HER SON TOM.
In her life she did her best,
Now I hope her soul's at rest;
Also her son Tom lies at her feet--
He lived till he made both ends meet!
AT CHESTER.
"Periwinks, Periwinkles!" was ever her cry,
She labored to live poor, and honest to die;
At the last day again, how her old eyes will twinkle,
For no more she will cry" Periwinks, Periwinkle!"
Ye rich, to virtue's want rejoicing give-
Ye poor, by her example learn to live.
AT WESTON-OF A PARISH CLERK.
Here lies entombed within this vault, so dark,
A tailor, coach-drawer, soldier, and clerk.
Death snatched him hence, and also from him took
His needle, thimble, sword, and prayer-book.
He could not work, nor fight,—what then?
He left the world, and faintly cried, "Amen!"
420
CURIOUS EPITAPHS.
ON MARGERY SCOTT, IN THE CHURCHYARD OF DUNKELD.
[She lived single 25 years, married 50 years, and was a widow 50 years.]
Stop, reader, here, until my life you've read,-
The living may gain knowledge from the dead;
Five times five years I've lived a virgin's life,
Ten times five years I was a married wife;
Ten times five years a widow grave and chaste;
Now wearied of this mortal life I rest.
I from my cradle to my grave have seen
Eight mighty kings of Scotland, and a queen;
Four times five years the Commonwealth I saw,
Ten times the subjects rise against the law,
Twice did I see old prelacy put down,
And twice the cloak did sink beneath the gown.
An end of Stuart's race I saw,-nay more,
I saw my country sold for English ore;
Such desolation in my time has been,
That I've an end of all perfection seen.
AT EDINBURGH.
John McPherson
Was a wonderful person;
He stood 6ft. 2 without his shoe,
And he was slew
At Waterloo.
ON A MAN WHO WAS TOO POOR TO BE BURIED WITH HIS
RELATIONS IN THE CHURCH AT KINGSBRIDGE.
Here lie I, at the the chancel door,
Here I lie because I'm poor;
The further in, the more to pay,
Here lie I as warm as they.
+
-CURIOUS EPITAPHS.
421
IN ST. GILES CHURCHYARD, NORTHAMPTON.
Here lies a most dutiful daughter, honest and just,
Awaiting the resurrection in hopes to be one of the
first.
IN CUNWALLOW CHURCHYARD, CORNWALL.
To be read backwards or forwards.]
Shall we all die,
We shall die all,
All die shall we,
Die all we shall.
ON DR. SHERIDAN.
Beneath this marble stone there lies.
Poor Tom, more merry much than wise;
Who only lived for two great ends,——
To spend his cash and lose his friends:
His darling wife, of him bereft,
Is only grieved-there's nothing left!
ON GAY.
[Written by himself.]
-Swift.
Life is a jest, and all things show it;
I thought so once, and now I know it.
ON TWIN SISTERS, WHO DIED AT THE SAME TIME AND WERE
BURIED IN ONE GRAVE.
Fair marble! tell to future days
That here two virgin sisters lie,
Whose lives employ'd each tongue in praise,
Whose deaths gave tears to ev'ry eye.
In stature, beauty, years and form,
Together as they grew they shone
So much alike, so much the same,
That death mistook them both for one!
422
CURIOUS EPITAPIS.
จ
ON THOMAS KEMP, WHO WAS HANGED FOR SHEEP-STEALING.
Here lies the body of Thomas Kemp,
Who lived by wool, but died by hemp;
There's nothing would suffice this glutton,
But, with the fleece, to steal the mutton;.
Had he but work'd, and liv'd uprighter,
He'd ne'er been hung for a sheep-biter.
ON A TALKATIVE OLD MAID. (1750.)
Beneath this silent stone is laid
A noisy, antiquated maid,
Who from her cradle talk'd till death,
And ne'er before was out of breath.
ON MATHEW PRIOR, THE POET.
Nobles and heralds, by your leave,
Here lies the bones of Mathew Prior;
The son of Adam and of Eve,
Let Bourbon or Nassau go higher.
AT ST. BENNET'S, PAUL'S WHARF, LONDON.
Here lies one More, and no more than he,
One More and no more-how can it be?
Why one More and no more may well lie here alone,
But here lies one More, and that's more than one.
Here old John Randall lies, who telling of his tale,
Lived three score years and ten, such virtue was in ale:
Ale was his meat, ale was his drink, ale did his heart
revive;
And if he could have drunk his ale, he still had been
alive
CURIOUS EPITAPHS.
423
ON DR. MOUNSEY, PHYSICIAN TO CHELSEA HOSFITAL.
[Written by himself, 1788.]
Here lie my old bones; my vexation now ends;
I have lived much too long for myself and my friends.
As to churches and churchyards, which man may call
holy,
'Tis a rank piece of witchcraft, and founded in folly.
What the next world may be, never troubled my pate·
And be what it may, I beseech you, O Fate!
When the bodies of millions rise up in a riot,
To let the old carcase of Mounsey be quiet.
ON A TOMBSTONE, AT ECCLESFIELD, NEAR SHEFFIELD.
Our life is like a winter's day,
Some only breakfast and away;
Others to dinner stay, and are full fed,
The oldest man but sups, and goes to bed.
Large is his debt who lingers out the day;
W goes the soonest has the least to pay.
ON JOHN SHAW, AN ATTORNEY.
Here lies John Shaw,
Attorney-at-law;
And when he died,
The Devil cried,
"Give us your paw,
John Shaw,
Attorney-at-law!"
"Pshaw! pshaw!"
ON MARTHA SNELL.
Poor Martha Snell! her's gone away,
Her would if her could, but her couldn't stay;
Her'd two sore legs, and a badish cough,
But her legs it was as carried her off.
424
CURIOUS EPITAPHS.
ON MARGARET GWYN.
Here lies the body of Margaret Gwyn,
Who was so very pure within,
She cracked her outer shell of sin,
And hatched herself a Seraphin!
IN WOLVERHAMPTON CHURCH. OB. 1690.
Here lies the bones
Of Joseph Jones,
Who eat whilst he was able•
But once o'erfed,
He dropt down dead,
And fell beneath the table.
When from the tomb,
To meet his doom,
He rises amidst sinners;
Since he must dwell
In heaven or hell,
Take him—which gives best dinners!
ON A GRAVESTONE AT WOOD DITTON, IN WHICH IS FIXED
AN IRON DISH, ACCORDING TO THE INSTRUCTIONS
OF THE DECEASED.
William Symons, ob. 1753, æt. 80.
Here is my corpse, who was the man
That loved to sop in the dripping pan;
But now, believe me, I am dead,
So here the pan
stands at my head.
Still for sops to the last I cried,
But could not eat, and so I died.
My neighbors, they perhaps will laugh,
When they do read my epitaph.
CURIOUS EPITAPHS.
425
ON TOMMY DAY.
Here lies little Tommy Day,
Removed from over the way.
ON EDWARD MORGAN, WHO DIED IN 1828, AT ST. BRIDES
MINOR, GLAMORGANSHIRE.
O earth! O earth! observe this well,
That earth to earth must come to dwell;
Then earth in earth shall close remain,
Till earth from earth shall rise again.
AT CHESTER, ON AN OLD WOMAN WHO SOLD POTS.
Beneath this stone lies Catherine Gray,
Changed to a lifeless lump of clay.
By earth and clay she got her pelf,
Yet now she's turned to earth herself
Ye weeping friends, let me advise,
Abate your grief and dry your eyes;
For what avails a flood of tears?
Who knows, but in a run of years,
In some tall pitcher, or broad pan,
She in her shop may be again?
ON ISAAC GREENTREE.
Beneath these green trees, rising to the skies,
The planter of them, Isaac Greentree, lies,
The time shall come when these green trees shall fall
And Isaac Greentree rise above them all!
-Lord Byron.
ON SIR JOHN VANBRUGE, ARCHITECT.
Lie heavy on him, Earth, for he
Laid many a heavy load on thee.
426
CURIOUS EPITAPHS.
ON SIR NATHANIEL WRAXALL.
Misplacing-mistaking-
Misquoting-misdating—
Men, manners, things, and facts all-
Here lies Sir Nathan Wraxall.
Geo. Colman, the younger.
AT SAINT AGNES, CORNWALL.
Here lies the body of Joan Carthew,
Born at Saint Columb, died at St. Cue;
Children she had five,
Three are dead, and two alive;
Those that are dead chusing rather
To die with their mother, than live with their father.
ON DR. JOHNSON.
Here lies poor Johnson; Reader! have a care,
Tread lightly, lest ye rouse a sleeping bear.
Religious, moral, gen'rous and humane
He was, but self-conceited, rude and vain;
Ill-bred and overbearing in dispute,
A scholar and a Christian, yet a brute:
Would you know all his wisdom and his folly,
His actions, sayings, mirth and melancholy;
Boswell and Thrale, retailers of his wit,
Will tell you how he wrote, and talk'd and spit.
—Soame Jenyngs.
CURIOUS EPITAPHS.
427
IN DITCHINGTON CHURCHYARD.
Without a home for ever, senseless, dumb,
Dust now only contains this silent tomb.
Where 'twas I lived or died, it matters not;
To whom related, or of whom begot.
I was, but am not, ask no more of me,
'Tis all I am, and all that you must be.
IN THE SAME-ON A SEXTON.
Hurra! my boys, let's rejoice at his fall,
For if he had lived, he had buried us all.
ON ISAAC REED.
Reader of these four lines take heed,
And mend your life for my sake;
For you must die, like Isaac Reed,
Tho'
you read till your eyes ache!
-Thos Dibdin.
ON HANNAH, WIFE OF GEORGE ONIONS.
She was
But words are wanting to say what.
Look what a wife should be,
And she was that.
G.O.
ON A SLOVENLY WOMAN.
Here lies my poor wife, a sad slattern and shrew;
If I said I regretted her, I should lie too!
.
ON OLIVER GOLDSMITH.
Here lies poet Goldsmith, for shortness called Noll,
Who wrote like an angel, but talked like poor Poll.
-D. Garrick.
!
428
CURIOUS EPITAPHS.
ถ
ON SIR THOMAS WOODCOCK, LORD MAYOR OF LONDON, 1405.
Hic jacet Tom Shorthose,
Sine tomb, sine sheets, sine riches; ui vixit sine gown,
Sine cloak, sine shirt, sine breeches!
FROM THE GREEK.
At threescore winters' end I died,
A cheerless being, sole and sad;
The nuptial knot I never tied,
And wish my father never had.
ON A MISER.
-Cowper.
Reader, beware immoderate love of pelf;
Here lies the worst of thieves-who robb'd himself.
ON A CLERGYMAN, NAMED CHEST.
Here lies at rest, I do protest,
One Chest within another;
The chest of wood was very good-
Who says so of the other?
*
ON S. RUMBOLD.
He lived one hundred and five,
Sanguine and strong;
A hundred to five
You live not so long.
ON WILLIAM WILLING.
Death willed that Willing here should lie,
Although unwilling he to die.
ON SIR JOHN GUISE.
Here lies
}
D
CURIOUS EPITAPHS.
429
Sir John Guise:
No one laughs,
No one cries:
Where he is gone,
And how he fares,
No one knows,
And no one cares.
ON A GREAT EATER.
Whoe'er you are, tread softly, I entreat you,
For if he chance to wake, be sure he'll eat you.
ON A HIEN-PECKED COUNTRY SQUIRE.
As father Adam first was fool'd
A case that's still too common,
Here lies a man a woman ruled.
The devil ruled the woman.
ON A WIFE.
I laid my wife beneath this stone
For her repose and for my own.
ON STRANGE, A LAWYER.
Burns..
Here lies an honest lawyer, that is Strange.
ON MILLS, THE HUNTSMAN.
Here lies John Mills, who over hills.
Pursued the hounds with hallo;
The leap though high, from earth to sky,
The huntsman we must follow.
ON DR. WALKER, WIIO WROTE ON THE ENGLISH PARTICLES.
Here lies Walker's particles.
430
CURIOUS EPITAPHS.
ON DR. FULLER.
Here lies Fuller's earth.
ON PETTR ARETIN.
Here Aretin interr'd doth lie,
Whose satire lashed both high and low:
His God alone it spared; and why?
His God, he said, he did not know.
ON A MEMBER OF THE KILDARE FAMILY.
Who killed Kildare? who dared Kildare to kill?
Death killed Kildare-who dare kill whom he will.
Dean Swift.
ON A MAN NAMED FISH.
Worms bait for fish; but here's a sudden change,
Fish's bait for worms-is not passing strange?
ON THOMAS D'URFEY, IN ST. JAMES' CHURCH, PICCADILLY.
Here lies the Lyric, who, with tale and song,
Did life threescore years and ten prolong;
His tale was pleasant, and his song was sweet,
His heart was cheerful, but his thirst was great.
Grieve reader grieve, that he too soon grew old—
His song is ended, and his tale is told.
ON A SCOLDING WIFE.
Here lies my wife;-poor Molly! let her lie;
She finds repose at last-and so do I.
AT EDINBURGH.
Here lies John and his wife,
Janet McFee,
40 he-30 shee.
CURIOUS EPITAPHS.
431
AT PAINSWICK, GLOUCESTERSHIRE.
My time was come! my days were spent!
I was call'd away—and away I went !!!
IN WORCESTERSHIRE CHURCHYARD.
Mammy and I together lived
Just two years and a half;
She went first-I followed next,
The cow before the calf.
ON A PUNSTER.
Beneath the gravel and these stones,
Lies poor Jack Tiffey's skin and bones;
His flesh I oft have heard him say,
He hoped in time would make good hay;
Quoth I, "How can that come to pass?"
And he replied-“All flesh is grass "!!
AT PAVISTOCK, DEVON.
Under this stone, lies three children dear,
Two be buried at Tawton, and the other here.
ON ROBERT TROLLOP, ARCHITECT, IN GATESHEAD CHURCH-
YARD, DURHAM.
Here lies Robert Trollop,
Who made yon stones roll up,
When death took his soul up;
His body fill'd this hole up.
AT LILLINGTON, DORSET.
I poorly lived, I poorly died,
And when I was buried nobody cried.
432
CURIOUS EPITAPHS.
IN MATHERN CHURCHYAD, MONMOUTHSHIRE.
John Lee is dead, that good old man,
You ne'er will see him more;
He used to wear an old brown coat,
All buttoned down before.
IN NEWCASTLE CHURCHYARD.
Here lies
poor Wallace,
The prince of good fellows,
Clerk of All Hallows,
And maker of bellows;
He bellows did make,
To the day of his death,
But he that made bellows,
Could never make breath.
ON MR. ALEXANDER SPEID, IN THE HOUFF, DUNDEE.
Time flies with speed, with Speid's fled
To the dark regions of the dead;
With speed consumption's sorrow flew,
And stopt Speid's speed, for Speid it slew:
Miss Speid beheld, with frantic woe,
Poor Speid with speed turn pale as snow
And beat her breast and tore her hair,
For Speid, poor Speid, was all her care
Let's learn of Speid with speed to fly,
From sin, since we like Speid must die.
ON WILLIAM WILSON, TAILOR- -IN LAMBETH CHURCHYARD.
Here lies the body of W.W.
Who never more will trouble you, trouble
you.
CURIOUS EPITAPHS.
433
ON THOMAS CROSSFIELD-HENDON CHURCHYARD, 1808.
Beneath this stone Tom Crossfield lies,
Who cares not now who laughs or cries;
He laughed when sober, and when mellow,
Was a harum-scarum harmless fellow;
He gave to none designed offense,
So Honi soit qui maly pense.
AT PENRHYN, CORNWALL.
Here lies William Smith,
And what is somewhat rarish,
He was born, bred, and
Hanged in this parish.
IN LUTON CHURCH.
Here lies the body of Thomas Proctor,
Who lived and died without a doctor.
IN PEWSEY CHURCH.
Here lies the body of
Lady O'Looney,
Great niece of Burke, commonly
Called the sublime.
She was
Bland, passionate, and deeply religious;
Also she painted in water-colors,
And sent several pictures to the exhibition.
She was first-cousin to Lady Jones,
And of such is the kingdom of heaven.
AT HIGH WYCOMBE.
Death is a fisherman; the world we see
A fish-pond is, and we the fishes be;
$28
434
CURIOUS EPITAPHS.
He sometimes angles, like doth with us play,
And slyly takes us, one by one away.
ON TWO INFANTS, IN GLOUCESTERSHIRE.
Here lies two babies, as dead as nits,
Who died in agonizing fits;
They were too good to live with we,
So God did take to live with He.
AT CHELTENHAM
Here lies I and my three daughters,
Kill'd by drinking the Cheltenham waters;
If we had stuck to our Epsom salts,
We' not been a lying in these here vaults.
AT BIDEFORD, DEVON.
Here lie two brothers, by misfortune surrounded;
One died of his wounds, and the other was drownded.
AT ACTON, CORNWALL.
Here lies entombed, one Roger Morton,
Whose sudden death was early brought on;
Trying one day his corn to mow off,
The razor slipt, and cut his toe off;
The toe, or rather what it grew to,
An inflammation quickly flew to;
The parts then took to mortifying,
And poor dear Roger took to dying.
AT CHIGWELL, ESSEX.
This disease, you ne'er heard tell on-
I died of eating too much mellon;
Be careful, then, all you that feed—I
I suffered because I was too greedy.

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GOOD NEWS FOR THE DEAF.
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The Audiphone will be sent to any address, on receipt of price, by
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·
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3-SAM JONES' SERMONS, VOL. I. 346 pages..
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5-SAM JONES' ANECDOTES; 300 pages..
As related by him in his Revival Work.
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som sa k & 1 1 2 REDO


wils
808.7 T93
UNIVERSITY OF MINNESOTA
2,000 jokes and jests: wit, humor and a
3 1951 002 070 371 K
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