L I B RAR.Y 
 
 OF THE 
 
 U N I VLR5ITY 
 
 or ILLINOIS 
 
 V. 
 
 I
 
 # 
 
 •
 
 m 
 
 m
 
 THE GUARDS,
 
 LONDON' 
 PJllNTED BY S. AND R. BENTLEY, DORSET STREET.
 
 THE GUARDS. 
 
 ^ NOVEL. 
 
 " Arma Virumque cano." — Virgil. 
 
 IN THREE VOLUMES 
 
 VOL. I. 
 
 LONDON; 
 T. CLERC SMrrH, ST. JAMES'S STREET. 
 
 1827.
 
 §-4 3 
 
 
 THE GUARDS. 
 
 A Guardsman is a being 8ui generis, not 
 
 in the vulgar interpretation of the swinish 
 
 /Vj multitude, but in the most refined and sub- 
 
 *^ limated acceptation of the word; an individual 
 
 ' select, distinct, and separate from the soldier 
 
 or civihan of any other kind. Birth, rank, 
 
 4 and fashion, hover round the standard of the 
 
 ^ Guards ; but above all, royal presence, the 
 
 ^ air of the court, (which must add a courtly 
 
 JZ air to a martial appearance,) all lend lustre 
 
 to the warrior and the beau. His habits, as well 
 
 ^ as his habiliments, differ from the cavalry and 
 
 infantry of the line ; his ton or fashion is 
 
 s^ peculiar to the corps, which gives, instead of 
 
 ^v VOL. I. B
 
 2 THE GDARDS. 
 
 borrowing, a gout or polish to others in the 
 army and in high hfe. The Line has des ma- 
 nitres empruritees, often le ton du garnison; but 
 the Guards have a deportment, dress, and 
 address of their own. By this it is not meant to 
 assert, that a Guardsman never borrows any- 
 thing ; he may par hasard borrow a trifle, 
 from a rouleau at a gaming-table, to an heiress 
 at a watering-place; and (mirabile dictu!) 
 possibly his neighbour''s cara sposa at country 
 quarters, pour passer le terns; but he never 
 condescends to assume an iota of style, ele- 
 gance or refinement, from any source beyond 
 the brigade ; whilst, on the contrary, envying 
 and admiring youths copy and imitate His 
 Majesty's Guards with the extremest exertion 
 and attention imaginable ; and they (the 
 Guards) are decidedly (as we say) the pro- 
 totypes of the day. But to return to the 
 genus (not genius^ gentle reader,) of the 
 Guards. It is not that of the exquisite, the 
 merveilleux, the dandy, or muscadin, native or
 
 THE GUARDS. O 
 
 foreign ; and much less of the ruffian or sporting 
 character of town or country, civil or military ; 
 for the latter may be all civil or military, or 
 neither ; or too civil bij half, like a country 
 cousin, kind, loving, and troublesome : whereas 
 the Guardsman is both military and civil, 
 polite, but familiarly conceited, yet with such 
 an off-hand elegance and amiable levity, that 
 his behaviour passes current like a well-bred 
 compliment, which may enchant and ruin, 
 dazzle and deceive at the same transitory mo- 
 ment ; and above all, (or ante todas cosas, as 
 we say in Spain,) the miUtary part of his 
 essence (a most essential point) so happily 
 predominates over the blue or black coated 
 fashionable, that although he may lisp, drawl, 
 whisper, simper, ogle, and look by turns 
 languishing and supercilious, blink through 
 his eye-glass, or trifle away his life; yet the 
 soldier comes so happily in to the assistance 
 of the simple fop, that he avoids effeminacy, 
 and still keeps up a degree of masculine dig- 
 
 B 2
 
 4 THE GUABDS. 
 
 nity. Other military men remain so long at 
 out- quarters, nay, even in foreign, distant, and 
 hostile countries and climes, that they lose the 
 town varnish, and look strange in coloured 
 clothes ; — an contraire, the Guards are so con- 
 stantly passing from the parade to the palace, 
 and from the drill-ground to the drawing- 
 room, that, like odours of the flower of love, 
 ay, verily, and of the perfumer's shop, and 
 (sweetest of all) the blush of lady's cheek, 
 which has sometimes come and gone the same 
 way, their suavity of manner is continually 
 going and coming, marching and counter- 
 marching, advancing and retreating, but never 
 forming line. 
 
 So unique is the style of the Guards. The 
 more forcibly to illustrate what has been ad- 
 vanced, we need only repeat of the Guards in 
 general, what was said in particular, by the 
 Commander-in-Chief of the troops in North 
 America, in days of yore, to the honourable 
 Colonel, afterwards General Gardener, a maca-
 
 THE GUARDS. 
 
 roni of the old school ; namely, '' that no man 
 was more careless of his person in the field, nor 
 took more care and pains about it when out 
 of it :" — that no man fought more manfully, 
 nor dressed more affectedly, than that gallant 
 officer. 
 
 Here, however, a distinction in favour of the 
 new school is due : powder and pomatum, finlls 
 and red-heeled pumps, have vanished before the 
 Stanhope or other crop, and the game-cock 
 spurs of our exquisite field and other mounted 
 officers, etc., etc. 
 
 It must be quite superfluous to add, that the 
 rank obtained in the Gardes, as they are 
 towri-ishly called, attracts fortune and quality 
 to their royal colours, and that royal favour 
 and royal smiles gild the prospects of the 
 mihtary aspirant. There is, however, another 
 advantage derived from entering the corps, 
 which surpasses all the rest ; to wit, the entree 
 into life which such first commission procures ; 
 the passport to high circles ; the opportunity of
 
 6 THE GUARDS. 
 
 studying the most finished models, of copying 
 from the most splendid originals ; at the super- 
 eminent head of which stands His present 
 most gracious and graceful Majesty : and it is 
 the fervent prayer of the author of these pages, 
 that he may long occupy that exalted station, 
 whilst his faithful guards, gentlemen, and 
 other subjects, may continue to chant, in 
 full chorus and full affection, their hymn of 
 loyalty : — 
 
 '^ For the throne of our King is an Englishman's 
 heart.'* 
 
 In every court and every country, the house- 
 hold troops. King's or Body-Guards, have ac- 
 quired a splendour befitting the servants and 
 champions of the crown : a sun glitters on the 
 buttons of the Gardes du Corps ; brilliant trap- 
 pings sparkle on the Imperial Guard of the 
 successor of the Caesars; but never were the 
 rays of the day-star more due than to the 
 Sovereign of Albion, for *' lucet omnibus;'' nor 
 did ever lace and embroidery, gorgets, and
 
 THE GUAEDS. 7 
 
 cuirasses, better become the sons of Mars than 
 those which adorn those bosoms and bodies, 
 which have fluttered through Pail-Mall and 
 St. James's, yet have bled and vanquished, 
 triumphed and turned the tide of war in 
 the Peninsula and at Waterloo, and whose 
 nodding plumes, now the ensign of volatility, 
 humbled the eagle of Napoleon, and highly 
 contributed to break his sceptre and to lower 
 his flag. Thus, ha\4ng characterized the na- 
 ture of the Guards ; having bestowed the me- 
 rited meed of praise on their name and achieve- 
 ments ; having slightly touched a few pecu- 
 liarities connected with the corps, and shown 
 the reasons for certain preferences which they 
 always have enjoyed, and ever will continue to 
 do: with such a monarch, and such materials, it 
 may be permitted to touch individuals witli 
 the light feather of satire, and to chronicle the 
 feats and foibles of fashion and of fancy ; and 
 whilst " The Guards" furnish the standing 
 dish of this novel, to throw in the side-table
 
 8 THE GUARDS. 
 
 fare of their companions and other associations, 
 together with a little tittle-tattle of the town 
 as a sauce piquante. Convinced that the Grena- 
 diers will be forward in the field, and becoming 
 in their social intercourse with the heau monde ; 
 that the Coldstream will be " nuUi secundus ;" 
 that the 3rd regiment will everywhere assert 
 the honour of, and fight for, the thistle and 
 its expressive motto, " Nemo me impune 
 lacessit," it becomes now time to enter into the 
 history and adventures of an officer of the 
 Guards, from his standing before a fair lady's 
 Psyche mirror, and beholding himself for the 
 first time, like a New-Year's-Day Almanack, 
 bound in scarlet and highly gilt, down to a 
 more advanced and experienced time of life. 
 Here a voice from the tomb cries " Halt I" — a 
 glorious spark, flashing from the embers of 
 the illustrious dead, forbids me to conclude 
 without lowering the sword's point to departed 
 worth and renown, living yet in bleeding 
 breasts and tearful eyes, — without breathing
 
 THE GUARDS. 9 
 
 the sigh of praise upon the imperishable laurel 
 which blooms over his memory. Hard by his 
 honoured tomb the broken invalid, the orphan, 
 and the widow, long may droop, standing in 
 the silent imagery of woe ; — no more appro- 
 priate supporters can be located near his last 
 bed; no fitter national, and, above all, military 
 remembrancer, can be published in posthumous 
 applauding of his career as a soldier and as a 
 prince. He was the soldier's brother, the 
 orphan's father, and the widow's friend; and 
 ye gay and gallant Guardsmen, whose uniform 
 he wore ; ye whom he especially was pleased 
 to call his comrades; ye who most especially 
 shared his fair, yet fond protection ; ye ancients* 
 who saw him in his beauty, and marked with 
 sorrowful observation the change which sick- 
 
 * The term '^ mon ancien'^ was a favourite one in 
 Napoleon's army ; it was equal to " mon bravCj" and 
 it is in this sense that 1 allow myself to make use of it, 
 with due respect to all old soldiers, from the prince 
 to the private ; the term, I am sure, will not offend 
 them — it ought not. 
 
 b5
 
 10 THE GUARDS. 
 
 ness wrought upon his manly features ; ye 
 whose children his protective and patronizing 
 hand led to the place of promotion, and pointed 
 out the road to glory — what affliction must be 
 your's I Ye, too, whom I beheld sitting dis- 
 consolate near Britain's mourning flag when 
 your dear Chief lay in the cold embrace of 
 death — what feelings must be your's I Nor can 
 the medalled veteran, grown grey in the ser- 
 vice, and ennobled by high desert, all clad 
 though he be in worsted lace,* be omitted in 
 the list of mourners — ye all regret him. Last- 
 ly, ye sprigs of the laurel-tree, and branches 
 of the oak ; ye whose age has only enabled 
 you to contemplate his setting sun, and the 
 fruitful autumn of his years— that period 
 when the early splendour of power has gone 
 by, when the effervescence of the passions has 
 
 * The French soldiers affect to despise our worsted 
 lace. An Irish soldier told of this, exclaimed, " Faith, 
 then, we have often worsted them, and trimmed their 
 jackets into the bargain.*'
 
 THE GUARDS. 11 
 
 subsided, and all is mild, mellow, warm, yet 
 temperate ; when experience ripens what kind 
 intention put forth in honourable and benevo- 
 lent design, — come ye and mingle the dew of 
 sympathy in Britannia's urn ; let us all join 
 heart and hand, and say in the plain yet ex- 
 pressive language of sincerity, " He is gone ! 
 he is no more ! his place is vacant amgjigst the 
 sons of men ! peace to his manes ! 
 
 ' We ne'er shall look upon his like again.'*'
 
 12 THE GUARDS. 
 
 CHAPTER I. 
 
 " Imberbis juvenis, tandem custode remoto/' 
 
 HORAT. 
 
 " Let us put him into the Fourth Foot," said 
 Mr. Greenlaw, now Sir John ; " it bears the 
 name of the King's Own, and that pleases 
 me," (his lady made no reply :) " or into the 
 Seventh Fusileers, the dress is so elegant," 
 (not a word:) " or into the brave Forty-second, 
 but no, the kilt would never do for Bob : or 
 into" — " A fool's cap," indignantly replied her 
 Ladyship, for she was such in her own right, 
 or rather by the courtesy very properly con- 
 ceded to the descendants of the peerage. " A 
 pretty thing indeed !" continued she, with a
 
 THE GUARDS. 13 
 
 toss of the head, which always was a check-mate 
 to her husband — " a fine thing indeed, for the 
 maternal grandson of a Peer, the nephew of a 
 General, the cousin of an Admiral, the grandson 
 by your side (laying great emphasis on the 
 pronoun) of a member of Parhament, your 
 only son and heir to twelve thousand a-year, 
 besides (with a toss of the head number two) 
 my property and expectancies, the Bishop's 
 personal property, the Scotch estate in chancery, 
 (toss number three, and it was a toss-up if 
 ever she got it,) the Longdale reversion, the 
 chance of brother Herbert's dying at Naples, my 
 everlasting grand aunt's succession ! — why, you 
 must be addled, cloudy, or besotted ! — what ? 
 put Herbert, whom you, like a bumpkin, 
 choose to call Bob !"*' — 
 
 " Robert Herbert Gascoigne, love T gently 
 interrupted Sir John, whose Borough interest 
 and whose lady's pen shortly after procured him 
 to be presented and knighted — '* Herbert, my 
 love, would make a pretty officer." — " True,"
 
 14 THE GUARDS. 
 
 replied she ; " but you would make a pretty 
 hand of it to put him in an Infantry Regiment, 
 liable to be sent I don't know where." — " Well, 
 then, in the Dragoons,'' said the mild partner, 
 (for he perceived that she was on her high horse) 
 '^in the King's, or the Royal, or the Light 
 Dragoons, the Tenth Hussars, or one of the 
 Regiments of Lancers, (this he conceived was 
 mounting on the scale of fashion,) or, my love, 
 the Life Guards, or Blues." — " Neither, sweet 
 sir, (ironically, with the usual toss,) — " neither, 
 if you please. Herbert Gascoigne would 
 be lost in the Life-Guard boots, extinguish- 
 ed in their massy helmet, oppressed by the 
 cuirass, and, in short, would be ill at his ease. 
 Herbert is delicate and growing, and would 
 not suit the dress at all; neither would the 
 masqueradish appearance of the Tenth please 
 me; — besides, he has no beard, and would be ri- 
 diculous in false moustachios; — the lance, again, 
 is beyond his strength ; — and the Light and 
 Heavy Dragoons are not sufficiently distingueesy
 
 THE GUARDS. 15 
 
 " Why, Sir Marmaduke, one of your an- 
 cestors, served in the Green Horse long tails, 
 you know," remarked Sir John. 
 
 " Green Geese !" exclaimed Lady Gertrude, 
 " with their long tails ! — you make a long 
 enough tale of it; but you forget, moii bon 
 homme,tha.t you are talking of a dark age, when 
 the Green and Black Horse were little more 
 than regiments of Cavalry militia, and when the 
 Life Guards were called the Cheesemongers; all 
 gingerbread and gold leaf; shopkeepers and 
 freeholders. But now the thing is quite alter- 
 ed: they are all smarted and brushed up, and 
 have been to foreign parts ; the Household 
 Troops have gathered laurels on the Conti- 
 nent ; and the greenhorns no longer play at 
 soldiers, but have borne the brunt of the war 
 in right earnest : — ^but none of these suit me." 
 
 " The Blues r 
 
 " No— I don't like them." 
 
 « Why ?" 
 
 " Because I don't like them." (A woman's
 
 16 THE GUAEDS. 
 
 reason," muttered the husband to himself.) 
 What I mean to do (here she carried it with a 
 high head) is to put Herbert Gascoigne into 
 the Guards, vulgarly called the Foot Guards^ 
 " Oh ! ho ! Yes, (a silence,) J;hat 's well :'' 
 and he looked as Mr. Shandy did when he 
 talked about putting his boy into breeches ; — 
 it was like making a man of him at once. 
 
 " The Guards," resumed her Ladyship, 
 " contain the cream of elegance, and present 
 the mirror of hon ton : — they are drawing- 
 room furniture, town-talk. Palace ornaments, 
 the appendages of Royalty, and companions 
 for Nobility ; — what an introduction is the 
 Guard uniform ! what opportunities does the 
 sojourning in town afford of advaijcement in 
 every shape ! they are under the eye of Majesty, 
 and at the fountain of elegance. AVhom would 
 a young woman of quality like to dance with, 
 but an officer in the Guards ? Whom would 
 a Duchess-dowager solicit to hand her from
 
 THE GUARDS. 17 
 
 her Opera-box to her carriage, but a hand- 
 some officer in the Guards ? To whom would 
 Nobility apply for room, or a passage to the 
 Presence-chamber, but to a young officer of the 
 Guards ? Who more likely to run off with an 
 heiress, than an officer of the Guards? — In 
 short, no other service offers the same perspec- 
 tive, — and in the Guards he shall be. The 
 Guards, it is true, were a little fallen off last 
 war; men of moderate fortune, and whom nobo- 
 dy knows, came in from the half-pay, — officiers 
 de mtrite, no doubt, but they did not look like 
 the pearl of fashion of my day; — I had like to 
 have been married to a Captain of the Guards, 
 but — " interrupted by a sigh. ♦ 
 
 (Sir John,) " I and Greenlaw Hall came in 
 your way." — A long pause. — (Lady Gertrude in 
 continuation,) "But the Peace will set all right 
 again ; London habits and expensive company 
 will drive out your private gentlemen, old 
 soldiers, and economists ; and the Guards will
 
 18 THE GUARDS. 
 
 be all the Guards once more— Captain Lord 
 Charles Such-a-one ; the Honourable Ensign 
 So-and-so ; Sir George New-come-in, with a 
 hundred other-titled companions. I am resolved 
 that Herbert shall marry a woman of quality, 
 and the sooner we deposit our money with the 
 agent the better. Bob, as he is called after 
 your odious cousin," (the husband gave a nod,) 
 " is a delicate plant ; we took him from Oxford, 
 because study gave him the head-ache ; he is 
 tall and thin, taking after my side of the house, 
 (meagre and bony, she might have said,) a 
 hard-going, rough-riding cavalry regiment 
 would destroy him; his birth and expecta- 
 tions would be thrown away on a marching 
 regiment, he has already been rusticating too 
 long ; country quarters would undo all that 
 maternal tenderness, foreign languages, and a 
 winter in Paris have done in his favour ; — but 
 the Guards offer other pursuits ; town is his 
 barracks. Lady Rosemaunt's and Countess
 
 THE GUARDS. 19 
 
 Romainvnlle's houses are open to him, and he 
 will have liis entrees Ubres in the first com- 
 pany. I will allow that Lady Romainville's* 
 name has been a little roughly handled by the 
 public prints, and that the Countess is au dessus 
 des prejuges ; but of what consequence is that 
 to a young man of fashion ? None ; the very 
 elite of the court circle is to be found at each 
 of their Ladyships' parties ; and I repeat again, 
 that it is no small advantage for a young man 
 to have les entrees Ubres there." 
 
 " Yes,"" quoth Sir John, (so we shall in 
 future call him,) '^ some folks are more free 
 
 • Countess Romainville, like a certain Grace, is one 
 of those ladies whose fame suffered a little in the co- 
 lumns of a newspaper, and whose husband, (the Grace's^) 
 filling a high situation abroad, has not the least inten- 
 tion of uniting again with his rib, being quite content 
 d'esser atnici di lontano. Lady'R. is more formally sepa- 
 rated from her Lord ; but then the nine days' wonder is 
 over, and almost forgotten : the female part of her so- 
 ciety stands rather aloof, but she still has a circle d'une 
 certaine tournure.
 
 !80 THE GUARDS. 
 
 than welcome at the Countess's ; at least, so 
 thinks the poor Count ; but that is nothing to 
 me." 
 
 '' True, the little intrigues of high life have 
 nothing to do with my son's promotion. I 
 already see him, en perspective, noticed in the 
 first circles, — the approving eye of beauty every- 
 where on him, — a favourite in his regiment, a 
 member of all the clubs, quoted in the papers 
 and caricatured in the print-shops. It is incal- 
 culable what benefit a paragraph and a print 
 do a young man, such as — * We noticed amongst 
 the newest vehicles in the Park, Mr. Green- 
 law's, of the Guards, light mail, with four 
 beautiful bright chesnuts, turned out in the 
 best imaginable style.' Such an article in the 
 gentle Post, or the Courier, would be a feather 
 in his cap. Or a caricature of a tall thin ele- 
 gant, in uniform, with these words under it — 
 ^ A Scarlet Runner ;' or skaiting elegantly 
 (which he does), and extricating a fair Countess 
 from falling into the Serpentine, with the signi-
 
 THE GUARDS. 21 
 
 ficant words — ' The ice broken.'' Some happy- 
 device like this might make, not his fortune, 
 but his fame; the former he does not want; 
 and if you supply him as liberally as you 
 ought, Oest une affaire finie ; for I, like a 
 female Chesterfield, have always preached up 
 to him to study the Graces."* 
 
 Here Lady Gertrude not only gave the ac- 
 customed toss of the head, but she took a side 
 look of herself in the glass, and seemed quite 
 self-satisfied. 
 
 At this moment, Herbert Gascoigne Green- 
 law drove in his curricle up to the door, and 
 mamma flew to meet him, whilst the knight (then 
 squire) retired to his library, where the Reve- 
 rend Mr. Preach-hard, formerly the young 
 
 * There are many ways of getting into the columns 
 of a newspaper, and into a print-shop ; but so fond are 
 some of notoriety, that it is well-known that a certain 
 ruined West Indian simpleton paid weekly for the 
 former, and got a friend to introduce him to Cruik- 
 shanks for the purpose of getting him to bring him out 
 as a caricature.
 
 22 THE GUARDS. 
 
 man's tutor, was waiting for him. The reve- 
 rend gentleman came from a neighbouring 
 curacy to take leave of his young pupil, and 
 to condole with his worthy friend, the country 
 gentleman, on the ruin of the former, from the 
 immeasurable ambition of Lady Gertrude, and 
 her having so completely spoiled him. 
 
 " Her Ladyship,"*' said the clergyman, " is 
 next in culpability to the late Lady Diana 
 Beauport, who used to boast that the first 
 thing she would do, was to unteach her chil- 
 dren all the nonsense about Adam and Eve, 
 and who never would assist at a baptism of 
 any of them, contemptuously adding, that this 
 ceremony was necessary for form's sake, and for 
 regular registry, and the interests of succes- 
 sion ; but she undermined the infant intellect, 
 and did all in her power to instil incredulity into 
 their young minds. Now Lady Gertrude does 
 profess something like religion ; but her love of 
 fashion overturns all morality ; the beau monde 
 is her idol ; and it will be very lucky if your
 
 THE GUARDS. 23 
 
 son does not get into some very serious scrapes : 
 he has an excellent heart — " 
 
 *' But,"" interrupted his father, *' he has been 
 taught to consider himself already as far above 
 me ; he decides on points as if he was fifty 
 years of age, and talks of Pusage dii monde as 
 if he had known and seen every thing in life. 
 Upon my honour, if he goes on long this way 
 he will be quite insupportable, and I shall not 
 be sorry to give him a separate establishment 
 in town : here he turns the house out of the 
 windows ; breakfast on the table from ten until 
 three, dinner kept back until eight at night ; 
 after which, perhaps, he will conie in about ten 
 with some foreign fifiure-of-fun of an artist, 
 whom he supports and makes a butt of, and 
 orders dinner in his own room. A Spanish ad- 
 venturer, Don Pedro de San Feliz, is now the 
 companion, who teaches him to smoke and to 
 play on the guitar ; yet, with all this, my lady 
 says that he will make a rare Guardsman. I 
 shall write to Greenwood to-day, who is the
 
 24 THE GUARDS. 
 
 prince of agents and the pearl of good fellows, 
 and will have my money lodged immediately. 
 I shall also give him unlimited credit at Coutts's 
 house; for the sooner he runs his lengths, the 
 more likely to see his error. Moreover, I can 
 cut down ten thousand pounds worth of timber 
 next year, and surely that will stand one win- 
 ter''s campaign in the Guards." 
 
 " There''s no knowing," answered Mr. Preach- 
 hard, with a sigh. At this moment the youth 
 arrived. " My dear Bob !" exclaimed the ex- 
 tutor. 
 
 " My dear Sir, no more Bob, if you please, 
 or else you and I shall never bear a bob toge- 
 ther. Herbert is the name to which I answer; 
 and if you have any more advice to give, mo- 
 tived on your great regard for me, I have only 
 to say for the future, ' Honorez nous. Seigneur, 
 de votre indifference ;' advice gratis is a mere 
 drug, a quack medicine, and I can't stomach it. 
 ' J'*aime mieux un vice commode qu'une vertu 
 fatiguante.' But 'il ne s'agit pas de tout cela." I
 
 THE GUARDS. S5 
 
 have upset the poor Spanish colonel, and he has 
 broken his collar-bone, because Crazy, one of 
 my horses, would not touch collar, but went 
 bolt upright on end at starting from Lord Rose- 
 mary's tennis-court, where I have been play- 
 ing; so some of our ge7is must start for that 
 odious pedant of an apothecary, Mr. Poly- 
 phrase, else it will be neck or riothing with the 
 poor Don." Here he pulled out an enormous 
 Spanish snuff-box, and raised a cloud of dust 
 about him whilst he took a copious pinch. " En 
 voulez vous ?" to the clergyman. 
 
 " I do not speak French, but I understand 
 your offer, which I beg to decline." (Exit.) 
 
 " Tant mieux, old proser. But pray. Sir," (to 
 his father,) " when will you have the goodness 
 to bestir yourself about my being gazetted ?'' 
 
 " This very day. Bob — Herbert, I mean. 
 And pray what do you mean to do with your 
 foreio-n friend when he recovers ?'^ 
 
 " Why, give him twenty pounds and book 
 him per mail, assuring him of my protection 
 
 VOL. I. c
 
 26 THE GUARDS. 
 
 when I come to town, but where I shall take 
 good care to cut him: in London he will 
 neither be useful nor ornamental ; but, as the 
 song says — 
 
 ' Every thing 's fun in the country.' 
 
 Upon my soul, Sir, I begin to be heartily tired 
 of these parts. I almost feel a tcedium vitm. You 
 see Tom Bramblewood has been gazetted this 
 month, and is actually on duty at the Tower — 
 which, entre 7ious, must be a devil of a bore : 
 it certainly is bad taste to shut up his Majesty's 
 Guards in such vile quarters, where a man (I 
 should think) must game and drink and invent 
 all sorts of mischief pour passer le terns. But 
 ha ! I see the colonel as large as life ; and I 
 don't think he is as much hurt as I appre- 
 hended when I gave him a gentle cast and 
 dropped him on the road. I say, zoho hacks 
 the merry castor ?" 
 
 San Feliz was more frightened than hurt, 
 and got quit for a slight bruise, and the tearing
 
 THE GUAllDS. 27 
 
 of his cloak, which the Guard aspirant had 
 to replace. The apothecary, however, had the 
 pleasure of making his visit, and of displa}4ng 
 his knowledge in the hardest possible terms : 
 he talked of dilating the wound, which was a 
 mere scratch ; and assured his patient that the 
 epidermis was not only lacerated^ but that the 
 •periosteum was materially injured ; that it was 
 possible that it might induce inflammatory 5j/wp- 
 tomata, and that pus (he was thinking of touch- 
 ing the purse) might form about the orifice 
 of the wound ; he was, however, convinced that 
 exfoliation would not ensue, and felt persuaded 
 in his own mind, that with arduous attention 
 and the application of a cataplasm, together 
 vnth sudorifics, cathartics, narcotics, etcetera, 
 his patient would very soon be convalescent : 
 he was, on a prima facie examination of tlie 
 case, of opinion, that xenesection was indis- 
 pensably necessary ; but as the colonel was 
 averse to it, the hirudo, commonly denomi- 
 nated a leech, would have nearly as salutary an 
 
 c 2
 
 28 THE GUARDS. 
 
 effect. After this learned discussion, at which 
 young Greenlaw laughed immoderately, he 
 went into a wordy lecture upon accidents in 
 general, and expatiated at large on the pro- 
 gnosis and diagnosis attendant on fractures, 
 concussions, with many other matters too 
 tedious to mention, which no one present, ex- 
 cept himself, pretended to understand, and 
 which it appeared doubtful whether he him- 
 self understood. All this passed at dinner, to 
 which he was invited, and amazingly edified 
 Lady Gertrude, who considered him as a very 
 able man, from his scientific treatment of a 
 paralytic poodle dog of her's ; and she assured 
 him, that he would make a fortune if he prac- 
 tised in London, as she doubted not but that 
 her friend. Lady Louisa Manville, who had 
 seventeen lap-dogs, would settle an annuity 
 upon him ; and as his skill in treating nervous 
 affections would certainly procure him a great 
 deal of practice amongst the ladies, whose affec-
 
 THE GUARDS. 29 
 
 tions of every kind required a great deal of 
 doctoring. 
 
 The apothecary felt honoured ; — her ladyship 
 felt a return of her complaint, and had to take 
 ether, opium, cordials, and carminatives. The 
 Spaniard felt better ; and the soi-disant doctor 
 felt the impression of a sovereign in the palm of 
 his hand, which amply repaid him for all the 
 ridicule put upon him by the heir of Greenlaw 
 Hall : so that, after applying the tonics of rich 
 wines to his stomach, and swallowing a pound 
 of venison, together with other viands, he made 
 his bow, and mounted his cabriolet to gain the 
 village, of which he was considered the Hip- 
 pocrates. 
 
 By return of post, the glad tidings of 
 Herbert Gascoigne's nomination to an ensigncy 
 in the Coldstream arrived at Greenlaw Hall. 
 Interest had been made for him long previous 
 to his money's being lodged ; for Lady Ger- 
 trude had carried on a secret correspondence on
 
 30 THE GUARDS. 
 
 the subject with her friend Lord Horseman, 
 whose application could not fail to succeed ; for 
 Lord Horseman had a voice in the cabinet, 
 and although it was vox ef praterea iiihil^ yet 
 he would be heard ; he had also a seat in the 
 Upper House, where he was placed like an old 
 fixture, and although neither useful nor orna- 
 mental, yet time and habit gave weight to him 
 as a piece of patrician and senatorial furniture : 
 he was, moreover, a great horseman, and had 
 rode in company with royalty ; and surely this 
 was right and title enough to ask and to ob- 
 tain a pair of colours for a young man of 
 fortune; — but above all, he was a ministerial 
 make-weight, and a fore-ground figure at 
 levees and drawing-rooms, all stricken in years 
 though he were ; and this, with his usual luck, 
 decided the matter ; so that young Greenlaw 
 was to appear in the next Gazette, and was ad- 
 vised to come up to town with all despatch. 
 
 We shall for the present take leave of 
 Lord Horseman, but shall return to him here«
 
 THE GUARDS. 31 
 
 after ; and must now proceed to Herbert Gas- 
 coigne Greenlaw's departure from the hall of his 
 ancestors. The moment the packet from his 
 lordship arrived, the old squire exclaimed, 
 " Luck upon leather !"" alluding to the great 
 attachment which the worthy Peer had to inde- 
 scribables of that nature. Ail the bells were set 
 a-ringing, as the rustics termed it ; and all was 
 in motion and preparation for the Guardsman 
 elect'^s departure : which was rendered more 
 propitious by the arrival of the Gazette on the 
 following morning, when a lengthy cavalcade 
 and procession formed the commencement of 
 the youth's splendour and celebrity in life. 
 A barouche and four posters led the van ; dear 
 self and Spanish Don, together with a favourite 
 spaniel, inside passengers ; luggage in abund- 
 ance, and two livery servants in the seat behind. 
 Next came a plain post-chaise with Monsieur 
 Louis, the valet-de-chambre, and Vandunder- 
 trump, a German incumbrance, who had been 
 the youth's courier on the Continent, but who
 
 32 THE GUARDS. 
 
 used to superintend the smoking establishment 
 of his master, and who was rated as a Hookar 
 Bedar in his household. This chaise was 
 also heavily laden with a wardrobe, " qui ne 
 Jinit pas,^"* to use Monsieur Louis's expression. 
 Then there were the dressing-utensils, as nu- 
 merous, and nearly as expensive, as those of the 
 handsome, thoughtless, and extravagant Tom 
 Crux, or of his humble and obscure imitator, 
 the pea-green Joey Ane. There were guns and 
 pistols, saddlery and dog-collars, perfumery 
 and patent medicines ; a racing set of clothing, 
 together with music-books and novels, plate 
 and jewellery, &c. &c. The light mail with 
 four-in-hand followed, a petite jourme, but 
 started simultaneously with the other vehicles 
 for stage effect ; led horses and a dog caravan 
 brought up the rear. Forward was the word ; 
 —but we had nearly forgotten the adieu to the 
 village. 
 
 The young squire had to take leave of the 
 curate, the lawyer, the apothecary, and of
 
 THE GUARDS. 33 
 
 a rustic beauty, of whom we shall hear more 
 a l''avenir. The three former interested him 
 but little, although he had a regard lingering 
 in memory for the instructor of his youth ; — 
 had he been left to nature and himself, the 
 latter would have cost him a pang ; but he had 
 been so highly polished by a maternal hand, 
 that he felt above these sort of weaknesses, and 
 only w^ondered how the girl could have got such 
 a hold of his boyish affections, although she 
 certainly was lovely ; now, however, the lustre 
 of coronetted charms (which parjhis bring other 
 coronets with them) hailed him in promise, 
 and he was not to be thus thrown away. He 
 therefore affected to smile as in scorn, as he 
 wiped off the tear from her lids ; — the heart, 
 however, wavered for a while. 
 
 Emma, this fair rustic, as our hero then 
 considered her, has ?m grand role to play, 
 A rose is always a rose, whether in the 
 garden of a palace or in the wilderness; its 
 beauty and fragrance make it what it is. 
 
 c 5
 
 34 » THE GUAEDS. 
 
 witness the one rose in the wilderness, which 
 just served — 
 
 (( 
 
 To mark -where a garden had been.'* 
 
 Like such a flower was Emma ; we therefore 
 advise our readers to keep their eye upon her.
 
 THE GUARDS. 435 
 
 CHAPTER II. 
 
 LES ADIEUX, LE DEPARTj l'aRRIVEE. 
 
 " Tous les homines sont fous, et malgre tous leui's soins, 
 Ne different entr'eux que du plus ou du moins." 
 
 BoiLEAU. 
 
 That Herbert Greenlaw would have been a 
 kind, generous, free, and warm-hearted man, 
 had he followed simple nature, is doubtless ; 
 but he was infected by that mania which ruins 
 half the world, namely, the ambition of being 
 something more than what we are ; the madness 
 (and it may be accounted a disease) of acting 
 some strange part in life's scene, which truth 
 and nature never intended us for. One man, 
 formed for mediocrity, but endowed with all
 
 36 THE GUARDS. 
 
 the social virtues, must quit the plain and 
 beaten path, in order to take up new ground, 
 and to obtain that notoriety which is always 
 dangerous to possess : one becomes an eccentric 
 in dress; another in his appointments, house, 
 equipage, horses, etcetera ; a third is born a 
 blockhead, yet sacrifices his fortune to be 
 thought a genius — such a man will subsidize 
 a legion of starving authors, editors, reporters, 
 puffers, and scribblers, with the view to obtain 
 literary renown ; some men are poets and au- 
 thors not only par force but invita Minerva; 
 some might be gentlemen, did they not become 
 Nimrods and jockies ; others were born honest, 
 but avarice and company made them Greeks ; 
 lastly, many who have begun by inheriting 
 merely the frailties to which all flesh is heir, 
 finish by making a noon-day exhibition of their 
 vice and immorality, and ride triumphantly 
 amid exposure and iniquity. Thus pleasure 
 ruins one man ; pomp, or ostentation, undoes 
 another ; simple vanity ensnares a third ; and the
 
 THE GUAEDS. 37 
 
 fashionable rage for gaming brings thousands 
 to mendicity. Herbert Greenlaw was none of 
 these ; but the desire of echpsing his equals was 
 the mania of his mind ; he burned with emula- 
 tive ardour to stand high in fashion's ring; 
 and his weak, proud, and partial female parent, 
 fanned the infant flame into a blaze, which 
 threatened to consume his reason. 
 
 His, as we have already shown, was no quiet, 
 modest departure of a young officer to join his 
 regiment, placed snugly in the corner of a mail 
 with his servant and baggage on the outside, as 
 some were of our illustrious military men ; nay, 
 the brave amongst the brave travelled, unas- 
 sumingly, in a chaise and pair, or with four 
 horses, if great despatch became necessary, or if 
 a coronet made such a turn-out a matter of con- 
 sistence : — his departure was a complete caravan 
 — a display — a procession ; he would have the 
 country know, that he had left it to a sense of 
 its own wretchedness, that he had deprived it 
 of his lights, — just as we see, in our spacious
 
 38 THE GUARDS. 
 
 squares in the west end of the town, the blink- 
 ing of a few soHtary illuminators in the dull 
 season, when rank and fashion are sojourning in 
 the country, and have extinguished those lamps 
 which mark the abode of elegance, leaving their 
 closed-up mansions to fat somnolent porters, 
 and to become the rendezvous of the sweethearts 
 and other followers of Molly Housemaid, Kitty 
 Kitchener, and the supernumerary domestics of 
 splendid residences ; and thus Herbert consi- 
 dered that his abstraction from the Hall and 
 neighbourhood left tljem in total obscurity and 
 darkness visible ! At the Apothecary's and the 
 Lawyer's door, our Exquisite merely dropped 
 his card, with P. P. C. ; the parson he was 
 obliged to endure for a few minutes : the honest 
 man bestowed upon him his warmest and kind- 
 est good- wishes, seasoned with some advice, 
 which, like a gratis prescription, was never fol- 
 lowed ; in conclusion, he (the Curate) said, 
 " Heaven bless you, my dear Bob — I beg your 
 pardon,— Mr. Herbert : you will find the officers 
 
 r
 
 THE GUAEDS. 0^ 
 
 a set of jolly dogs." The youth smiled indig- 
 nantly, — " A pretty appellation for his Majes- 
 ty's Guards!" — " Too fond," continued the Re- 
 verend, " of their glass and their lass." Another 
 smile of pity, — " Glass, and lass ! for the bibbers 
 of champagne and tokay, and for the para- 
 mours of Right Honourables and protectors of 
 the carriage ladies, the Pyrrhas and Aspasias 
 of the age !"* 
 
 '* You must take care of yourself. I am an 
 old man, and perhaps we may never meet 
 again. Heaven protect thee !" Here his voice 
 faltered, and Herbert felt an unwilHng emotion, 
 to smother which he almost stifled himself in a 
 dose of snuff; — for the good man had just 
 
 '' Touch'd a chord as soft and sweet. 
 As when the winds and harp-strings meet." 
 
 A moment of silence elapsed ; Nature during 
 that short interval assumed the command, and 
 
 * We do not mean the Age newspaper, but tlie age 
 we live in.
 
 40 THE GUARDS. 
 
 the young soldier cordially shook his preceptor 
 by the hand, and bade him adieu with tender- 
 ness and sincerity. 
 
 There was now only one more taking-leave to 
 go through, to compass which the Guardsman 
 nerved himself by a glass of Marasquina, and put 
 his cigar in his mouth, thus to pufF sorrow away : 
 it was Emma whom he was to quit, and whom 
 he had resolved to efface, if possible, from the 
 tablets of memory. A maid so sweet, so simple, 
 and so humbly born ! — we will not here become 
 sentimental and watery, like an old rake over 
 his bottle, with arrack-punch and remembrance 
 warring for dominion in his brain ; neither will 
 we follow all the common novels of the day, de- 
 dicating our labours to boarding-school misses 
 and disappointed spinsters, and launch into a 
 lengthy portraiture of eyes and sighs, of fears 
 and tears ; — suffice it to say, that our young 
 hero had overcome the gentleness of his disposi- 
 tion, and remembered mamma's useful lesson, 
 that " feeling"" was not a word in Fashion's vo-
 
 THE GUAEDS. 41 
 
 cabulary ; and considered that it would be as 
 vulgar to be affected by this separation from a 
 rustic fair one, as it would be to weep at a tra- 
 gedy, or to lay down the melting lines of impas- 
 sioned poetry, whilst the reader might wipe off 
 the dew of pity from the snowy eyelid. To 
 feel, to take too deep an interest in any body or 
 in any thing, is a practice quite exploded from 
 the heau monde : — there is, however, a high and 
 brilliant example to bear out very different con- 
 duct—the Star of Brunswick, whose warm, lu- 
 cid rays diffuse every where gentleness and be- 
 nignity around them. Our honoured and be- 
 loved Sovereign holds it not beneath the dignity 
 of the monarch or the man, to sink into sym- 
 pathetic softness at a tale of woe ; for of him it 
 may well be said — 
 
 " He has a tear for pity, and a hand 
 Open as day to melting Charity." 
 
 Herbert had been otherwise schooled, and he 
 braved out the scene with apparent indifference ;
 
 42 THE GUARDS. 
 
 and as he left Woodbine Cottage, he lighted 
 up a second cigar, and muttered to himself — 
 
 ^' Fare thee well I and if for ever. 
 Then for ever fare thee well !" 
 
 The Colonel blew his cloud in a different 
 direction, and the departure was effected with 
 much eclat and ceremony. Round whirled the 
 wheels, crack went the lash, — the leader posti- 
 lion dashing on, and the w;heeler looking skil- 
 fully round at times to ascertain that all was 
 right ; the horses seeming in high courage, 
 spirit, and order ; coats polished as a mirror, 
 and groomed to a nicety ; traces tight as a cord 
 just to its full extent, without too much pres" 
 sure on its substance ; and the tits kept up to 
 them without relaxing. Nor is the driving of 
 four horses thus, beneath the dignity of high 
 life : — a good turn-out this way, cattle well 
 matched, well driven, and stepping together, 
 cheers the novice's heart. As the traveller thus 
 started on life's high road, clouds of pulverised
 
 THE GUARDS. 43 
 
 matter announced that the distinguished voya- 
 gear was hkely, one day or other, to kick 
 up a dust in the world ; in which some are 
 destined to be covered with glory, some "vvith 
 honours, earned or forced upon them, and some 
 merely by dust : — all this, however, is 
 
 " Non sine pulvere palmam." 
 
 At this time mamma was theatrically clap- 
 ping her hands, and exclaiming with delight at 
 the idea of his bright career — 
 
 " My son, my son, — my beautiful, my brave !'* 
 
 This was accented not in the lancruasre of 
 Lady Randolph in maternal mourning, but in 
 that of exultation at his approaching debut ; 
 and she assured him at parting, that she would 
 very soon follow him to town and set the 
 square where she resided in a blaze, — that 
 fancy balls and splendid soirees, dress din- 
 ners and private masquerades, should succeed 
 each other ^vith such effect and rapidity as 
 would fill the columns of all the morning pa-
 
 44 THE GUARDS. 
 
 persj and bring him out in a style in which 
 never youth had been brought out before : in 
 the interim she recommended him once more to 
 study the Graces, and to spare no expense in 
 acquiring a name in the corps in which he 
 had the honour to serve. She advised him 
 to give a number of gorgeous repasts, lets off 
 as she termed them, which might even asto- 
 nish the Guards, or at least prove to them 
 that he had magnificent ideas, and had been 
 bred up in luxury and profusion. " Ice all 
 your wines," said she, " except your Madeira, 
 banish humble port from your board; dress 
 your dessert with countless flowers and orna- 
 ments; purchase a princely service of plate of 
 RundeU and Bridge ; burn perfumes, pastilles 
 odor if er antes, and leave nothing undone to en- 
 tertain en Seigneur : expense shows the man : 
 play little, but negligently, as if for a passa 
 tempo, in order to comply with fashionable 
 habits ; seem always as if you never cared 
 whether you lost or won ; and do not let the
 
 THE GUARDS. 45 
 
 making a present of a beautiful dog, or stylish 
 snuff-box, a merchaume pipe, or a high-priced 
 horse, ever stand in the way of gaining a friend : 
 such small acts of prodigality lead to praise 
 and power, and they may be repaid tenfold 
 by high connexions and a great match."" 
 
 She ceased to speak, and here we may sup- 
 pose our hero to be at the first stage of his 
 journey. He was by this time tired of San 
 FeKz ; he resolved to get rid of him : he be- 
 came like a court favourite, or jester out of 
 date : he had no more novelty : and his patron 
 pretending to be obhged to go on business 
 to a lawyer in the neighbourhood, and having 
 to call at the country-seat of a cousin on the 
 road, he advised the Spaniard to proceed on- 
 wards, put twenty pounds into his hand, and 
 booked him per mail coach, saying to himself, 
 " Ainsi Jinit rhistoire ;"''* after this he rested 
 a few hoursy and pursued his way, sporting a 
 solo in the comer of his carriage. 
 
 On the third day Herbert Greenlaw arrived
 
 46 THE GUARDS. 
 
 in town, and it was time to decide to what 
 hotel lie was to drive. Long's was at first 
 thought of; for there there are long corks, 
 long credit, and long bills ; there expensive 
 dinners are given, which are as often paid for 
 by the invited as the inviters — by what is vul- 
 garly called afterciaps ; from thence the young 
 Exquisite toddles Bacchi plenus to the Greek- 
 hail, in St. James's Street, where he is cleaned 
 out ; there private parties are named for an 
 after-day (perchance a trip to Richmond), and 
 the riche nionde are made poor indeed ! — from 
 thence many a youth has made a bolt, and left 
 long faces behind to add up his unsettled ac- 
 count, and carry it over to some prosperous 
 Goldfinch who might take up his quarters ; 
 from thence, more than one lodger has been 
 lodged in banco regis: — the very name of Long's 
 gives a flourish to an entree into town, and 
 six weeks at Long's has drawn scores of dan- 
 dies and Corinthians to that abode for the sake 
 of notoriety and fame ; every thing there is
 
 THE GUARDS. 47 
 
 dans le dernier gout, and there even a professor 
 of the gastronomic science, le Docteur Cuisi- 
 7ner,* (as a French traveller called him,) could 
 not complain of wines, or sauces, made-dishes, 
 or foreign liqueurs. To Long's our hero was 
 about to go ; but he recollected that young Bram- 
 blewood had spoken well of the St. Jaraes"'s, 
 and that the ^^cinity to the Palace would en- 
 able him to study the parade, to be at hand 
 on court-days, and to see his brother officers 
 on guard lounging their usual round, and 
 nodding to fair dames smiling from their car- 
 riage-windows. To the St. James's he accor- 
 dingly drove, whilst bowing and simpering 
 waiters, active and officious porters, a respect- 
 ful proprietor, and an admiring profanum 
 vulgus hailed his arrival. The two carriages, 
 bulky luggage, well and appropriately dressed 
 attendants, augured well for a voluminous 
 and correctly paid bill ; and he was ushered 
 
 * Now no more.
 
 48 THE GUARDS. 
 
 into a handsome suite of rooms, and all due 
 preparations made for his refreshment and 
 toilette. A thought of home for an instant 
 flashed upon his mind, but the Guards and a 
 London life soon rubbed the impression off. 
 
 " Is Sir George Gamble in town ?" inquired 
 our hero. 
 
 " No, Sir ; he is at the Oaks.*" 
 
 " And Lord Horseman .'"' 
 
 " Yes, Sir ; he is just arrived." 
 
 " Has Mr. Bramblewood, of the Guards, 
 been here lately .f^" 
 
 " Not very ; he is still on the Tower-duty, 
 but we hope to see him soon : he is a great 
 customer of ours : he dined here the day before 
 he went on duty, in company with Lord Clan- 
 erin and I^ord Hoax, and a rare set of the 
 very flowers of fashion — the primest bons vi- 
 vans of the day." 
 
 " Well done, Mr. Waiter !" said young 
 Herbert to himself ; " but pray who is on 
 garde ?"
 
 THE GUARDS. 49 
 
 " At the Life Guards r 
 
 " No ; of the Gardes." 
 
 " Oh ! I don't know, indeed ; and yet I 
 passed the tilt-yard this morning at guard 
 mounting ; but I observed Captain Lord 
 Laurelworth, and two fine dashing subs on his 
 arm — one of theai was wounded at Waterloo, 
 and the other is a youth just come from college 
 — the son of a nabob, who makes the cash fly 
 finely ; I am sure you would like to know 
 them." 
 
 "' I dare say I should — I am in the Gardes 
 myself." 
 
 The waiter made three bows — one for each 
 regiment. 
 
 " I suppose," resumed the new-comer — " I 
 suppose I can have dinner by nine o'clock and 
 a job carriage to take me for ten minutes to a 
 couple of the theatres. To-morrow I shall send 
 to the Acre for a vis-a-vis which I have ordered 
 to be built ; and no doubt there are plenty of 
 hells open to kill a small hour, and pick up a 
 
 VOL. I. D
 
 50 THE GUARDS. 
 
 good fellow for supper, at the expense of a few 
 pieces of gold sacrificed at Pluto's shrine." 
 
 The waiter did not quite understand him ; 
 he, however, replied, " There is no person of 
 the name of Plato who inhabits these parts. 
 Mr. Crackpurse has a splendid establishment, 
 near at hand, besides quite a palace about the 
 Regent's Park ; and he travels with his traps 
 about him, like Pidcock's caravan, to New- 
 market, and to all the races, and to all the 
 places of fashionable resort; and such grand 
 company frequent his house, that you might 
 mistake it, some nights, for the House of Peers. 
 There 's Lord Glenmuck is always there, and 
 Lord Dormouse, and lots of grand officers, and 
 other dandies. Mr. Crackpurse has made a 
 fine thing of it ; but then you see, Sir, you 
 would require somebody to take you to his 
 gold-fishery — it is counted a club like, in order 
 to keep out informers and ruined blades, who 
 are up to too much for ''em; and so you must be 
 a member of the club, or else you cannot get
 
 THE GUARDS. 51 
 
 in ; and I ^vould not recommend you to go 
 to the common hells, the rookeries and pigeon- 
 holes, cobweb warehouses and fly-traps, where 
 the Greek committee sits nightly. At Crack- 
 purse's, if you are had, it is by nobs^ men who 
 have names, — 
 
 ' A local habitation and a name/ — 
 
 nobles. Knights of the Golden Fleece, grandees, 
 and such company as that. My Lords and 
 Gentlemen is a common phrase at Crackpurse*'s 
 1x) the club. We have the first-rate club-houses 
 in our neighbourhood — White's and Boodle's — 
 to which, doubtles?, you will belong, and per- 
 haps to the Union ; but then these, again, are 
 quite different from, and superior to. Crack- 
 purse's or the minor hells : these are houses 
 frequented by the first of the land only — your 
 first-rates, or top-sawyers, as Mr. Crackpurse 
 would call them — statesmen and members of 
 Parliament ; and all there is regular, orderl}^, 
 noble, and comme il faut (the waiter was quite 
 
 D 2 
 
 LIBRARY 
 
 UrilV£«SITY OF ILU»«M6
 
 52 THE GUARDS. 
 
 aufait). But I ask your pardon, Sir; pray 
 what will you please to order for dinner ?" 
 
 " Some turtle-soup, a chicken, turbot, or 
 vol-aU'Veut, sl roasted partridge, and some 
 pine-apple fritters; ice my wine, and let my 
 coffee be as strong as brandy, and as hot as Mr. 
 Crackpurse's hell." 
 
 " You shall be obeyed." 
 
 " Will you dine in your apartments, or 
 the coffee-room ?" obsequiously asked another 
 
 waiter. 
 
 " In my apartments; but I will just take a 
 turn in the coffee-room, and may perhaps 
 chance to pick up an acquaintance, for I hate 
 to dine alone ; but, I say, dress some beefsteaks 
 for my dogs, and I will send them by-and-by 
 to my mother's stables in the square, to be pro- 
 perly attended by some of my grooms, who will 
 arrive to-morrow." 
 
 The waiter was struck with that respect 
 which a long purse always produces on low 
 minds, — but here he had to do with an officer
 
 THE GUARDS. 5^ 
 
 and a gentleman, one well born and well bred, 
 and, what was to him most essential, well fur- 
 nished with cash. 
 
 " Here," concluded the gay militaire, throw- 
 ing a flimsy at him, " take this hundred- 
 pound-note, and get me change for it."" 
 
 The waiter''s bow was one of his very best, 
 and a very smart one it was. Off he flew, and 
 returned instanter with the cash. Our hero, 
 after two hours'* toilet, glided up and down the 
 coffee-room for five minutes, struck his repeater, 
 looked in the mirror, and cast an eye over the 
 Morning Post, that chronicle of fashions, ma- 
 noeuvres, motions, and evolutions; that pleasant 
 breakfast companion, which, instead of thunder- 
 ing party and prejudice, and of arguing and 
 systematizing away the hour of idleness, puts a 
 bill of fare of fashion before your eye, with a 
 brief resume of what is going on in the world, 
 and points out to ease, elegance, and oisivete, 
 where to catch folly as she flies, where to in- 
 dulge in the rage dii jour, where to bend Fan-
 
 54 THE GUARDS. 
 
 cy"*s steps, and to join the gay throng! Polished 
 Post! thou art the guard sman''s and the gentle- 
 man's delight, ay, and the gentlewoman's also. 
 Does a mind bent upon pleasure, or a heart 
 panting after fashion, wish to indulge in the 
 gall of invective, to feed upon the spleen of the 
 out si Can a man going on guard, or off to 
 TattersaPs, amuse himself with the distress of 
 Ireland, the ruin of the country, suffering 
 manufacturers, or the national establishment, 
 the weight of taxes, or, (a massive article) the 
 corruption of the times ? Certainly not. It 
 was said in a periodical, a year or two ago, of 
 which we forget the name, that the Morning 
 Chronicle was a gloomy representation of the 
 day ; that the Old Times had altered ; that the 
 New Times erred both in time and place ; that 
 the Star had set, and that there w^s nothing 
 new under the Sun. As to myself (the author 
 speaks in propria persona), I respect them all, 
 provided I be not forced or bound to read 
 them; but, in the name of the Guards and Co.,
 
 THE GUARDS. 55 
 
 I proclaim the Morning Post as the Direction 
 Post to the road to town felicity, as the indica- 
 tor of where and to whom to go in the gay 
 season of London. 
 
 So thought Herbert Gascoigne Greenlaw, en- 
 sign in the Coldstream Regiment of Guards ; 
 and he read, with undivided interest — ** Lady 
 Legerdemain's card party on every Sunday in 
 Lent; the Countess of CarikilPs concert on four 
 successive Sundays; Sir Robert Runion's din- 
 ner party on the first of the ensuing month," 
 etc. etc. etc. Then the advertisements, by 
 which one may meet with so many desirable 
 things. But these had no value with our young 
 hero ; and when he came to — " Wants a place, 
 an active young man, who is willing to be em- 
 ployed in any domestic capacity," he cried, 
 nonsense ! and turned over the leaf. — ^' Connu- 
 bial happiness ! ! !" Ah, let us look at that. 
 But, upon a nearer view, it turned out to be 
 nothing but a drug ! Thus do things go under 
 false colours. He then proceeded to — " Farm-
 
 56 THE GUARDS. 
 
 houses, villas, parks, and manors to let;" as 
 also, advertisements for an agreeable partner, 
 not only in a post-cbaise or for a journey to the 
 Nortb, but for a partner for life, and for a 
 sleeping partner in an advantageous trade or 
 concern.* The houses and villas were to be let 
 with or without furniture ; the manors were to 
 be let as the manners of the mercenary are, to 
 the best bidder; and the advertising partners 
 were to be disposed of with or without either. 
 The reader of the article was for having them 
 let alone. He next came to Military Promo- 
 tions, and here ended the paper. 
 
 * We beg our marrying friends* pardon for con- 
 founding sleeping and other partners in trade and 
 wedlock together; but as there are wife-hunters, who 
 make a trade of it, and which generally turns out a 
 bad concern, we hope we may be allowed the assimi- 
 lation.
 
 THE GUARDS. 57 
 
 CHAPTER III. 
 
 A DROPPER ly AND THE DEBUT. 
 
 " Qiii brille au seconde rang, s'eclipse au premier." 
 
 FfiEKCH Proverb. 
 
 As the young Guardsman was adjusting the 
 curls on his forehead, and settUno; his well-tied 
 cravat, he heard a weak, silvery, yet well-bred 
 voice, inquire a little fastidiously of the waiter, 
 who were the present inmates of the hotel ; 
 and he addressed the varlet thus : — 
 
 '* Wai-ter,""* (syllabling the word,) " is there 
 any body here, that any body knows ?" 
 
 ** Why, yes. Sir ! There is Lord Rosemary, 
 but he is to quit us for the North this evening ; 
 and there is Mr. Barnsley Allrose, son to the 
 Rev. ]Mr. Allrose ; and there is Samuel Barns- 
 ley Harman, and a young gentleiiian of im- 
 
 D 5
 
 58 THE GUAUDS. 
 
 mense property, who is just come to join the 
 Guards, Herbert Gascoigne Greenlaw, Jun., 
 Esq., of Greenlaw-Hall, in Northumberland, 
 and of Chalk-Castle, in Yorkshire, and of the 
 Home, in Derbyshire ; whose father married 
 Lord — I forget his name's daughter: he is 
 a mighty elegant youth." 
 
 The gentle inquirer walked into the coffee- 
 room and took his seat : his face was pleasing 
 and intelligent ; his eyes had flashed with wit, 
 as his tongue had been the vehicle of repartee ; 
 he had the remains of the high-dressed man 
 grafted on something rakish ; but all was now 
 broken and made up ; a mass of sickly com- 
 posure, gilded over by extreme urbanity. He 
 was a man that the ruffian (and there are 
 ruffians of high degree) would have laughed 
 at, but one whom the gentleman (a being 
 composed of sensibility, discrimination, and po- 
 lished manners,) would have made place for. 
 And here the young Guardsman did not belie 
 the noble blood of his maternal line, nor the
 
 THE GUAJJDS. 59 
 
 true genuine honourable feelings of the in- 
 dependent, loyal, and patriotic country gentle- 
 man, from whom he sprang on the paternal 
 side of the house. An exchano-e of snufF- 
 boxes made them acquainted ; and with some 
 little persuasion, the young man, who was en- 
 chanted with the ~ stranger's conversational ta- 
 lents, and his thorough knowledfje of the 
 world, prevailed upon him to partake of his 
 dinner. 
 
 After ordering a second partridge, and an 
 omelette soiifflee to be added to the bill of fare, 
 the invitation was accepted in a m.anner 
 " nor bashful nor obtrusive." The accepter 
 was no adventurer, but a man of rank who had 
 survived his fortune ; and he knew the donor 
 to be fit company for any class in polished life. 
 It is now time to satisfy our reader who may 
 ask us " quo nomine gaudet ? and to tell the 
 dropper's-in name, ere we touch upon Barnabv 
 Allrose, and Samuel Barnsley Harman, Esqrs. 
 The dropper-in was Sir Lumbago Shuffleton,
 
 60 
 
 THE GUARDS. 
 
 Baronet, a beau of the old school. He was 
 a scholar, a dangler, and a dancer ; the most 
 spirited masquerade character of his day, and as 
 devoted to dress as ever the ex-king of the 
 dandies was in his sunny hour. He was fanciful 
 as a fair lady, but then genius and fancy met 
 and combined in his composition. He could 
 make pretty verses, and write pretty plays ; 
 and, perhaps, no better judge could be con- 
 sulted on dramatic matters, and on affairs of 
 hon gout. Sir Lumbago was a great favourite 
 
 in his day. He was looked for at all the best 
 parties, and would have been missed if absent 
 from the Sunday park and gardens at the close 
 of the spring. He was also a most welcome 
 morning caller, and a pleasant neighbour at the 
 lengthy dinners in high life ; for he was diffuse 
 and fluent in speech, without sameness; nor 
 did the variety of his conversation arise from 
 foolish or malicious invention ; neither was he 
 a collector of scandalous anecdotes, which some 
 fashionables deal in in order to gratify one
 
 THE GUARDS. 
 
 61 
 
 acquaintance at the expense of another. There 
 are men (males, we ought to say, for the male 
 and the man differ often very widely) — there 
 are things in male attire, and serene-looking 
 princes and private gentlemen, who go down 
 the line of fashion, like adjutants on parade, 
 collecting the reports of each company with 
 which they are connected ; culling the pesti- 
 ferous breathings of the blig-htinff insinuation 
 or the slanderous-kiUino; " on dit.'''' These 
 monsters are every where tolerated, and, in 
 many places, raised to the seat of preference; 
 but Sir LumbajTO was none of these — his 
 saUies of wit were mingled with good-humour, 
 his jokes were sportful, his anecdotes enter- 
 taining. Yet now, alas ! lacking the Peruvian 
 dust which gilds the passport into society, 
 he is forgotten by his contemporaries, and 
 neglected by his quondam soi-disans friends : 
 his budget of former good things wants revival, 
 and his coachmaker and tailor want faith. It 
 would suit many palates, and many readers, to
 
 62 THE GUARDS. 
 
 serve up a dish of ii'ony to this ancicn chevalier^s 
 cost, to sneer away his former fame, and scoff 
 at his altered fortunes ; but that shall never be 
 our task, nor would a work entitled " The 
 Guards''' be worthy of the name which bespeaks 
 the soldier and the man of honour, if it lent 
 itself to the vile purpose of insulting age or 
 adversity — of whispering away fair reputation, 
 or of exciting a blush upon female cheeks, or 
 raising a sigh in dear woman's sensitive bosom. 
 Be it always remembered, that Sir Lumbago's 
 first act in life was to discharge the debts of 
 an honoured father, to whom the Baronet was 
 a dutiful son : here he became first incumbered, 
 and, as Fashion's wheel turned round, his re- 
 sources were insufficient to follow the rapid and 
 continuous motion — the Jews offered assistance, 
 and shortly he became more and more involved, 
 until he was beaten off the field of extrava- 
 gance, and forced to retire to the shade, pro- 
 bably for life. It will, however, still be found, 
 that wherever he drops in as a visitor, or a
 
 THE GUARDS. 6S 
 
 guest, he will prove himself a second Chester- 
 field in politeness, and with a much better 
 heart. 
 
 As Sir Lumbago had been the companion 
 of the foreground fi<jures of the Tableau de 
 Lofidres of another date, he touched, during 
 dinner, upon the Guards of his time, — the hand- 
 some Colonel Gr — v — r, now an old General— 
 the celebrated northern Marquis, now com- 
 manding a national regiment — the equally 
 
 hard-drinking Lord R o, the L xes, 
 
 the Bl — t — res, and other noble lords grown 
 grave and gray, as well as half a hundred 
 departed or ruined heroes, not forgetting the 
 Life Guards of that time, when the British 
 Anacreon, Morris, who, parfois, is a better 
 poet, used to sing his own songs with admirable 
 effect ; and when the fantastical D — s — n — y 
 used to play off all the eccentricities of dress 
 and behaviour which marked the season of his 
 celebrity : — these were all very amusing, but our 
 hero required the life, adventures, and vagaries
 
 64 THE GUARDS. 
 
 of the new school. Here the Baronet was at a 
 fault, so that coffee and liqueur, whether 
 noyeau or parfait amour matters not, were 
 ordered at eleven o''clock, and the duo separated. 
 'A job carriage had been in waiting a full 
 hour to carry young Herbert to a couple of 
 theatres ; but the multiformed fascinations of 
 the fair chanter of " I 've been roaming" and 
 " Cherry ripe" so riveted his admiration, that 
 he sojourned at the one theatre until the cur- 
 tain dropped, looking anxiously at a certain 
 gay youth who handed her to her carriage, the 
 Guard recruit wishing that the word vester 
 might be changed into noster. 
 
 " Are you quite well to-night ?'^ said a 
 professional friend. 
 
 '' Oh, yez," replied she, in such a languish- 
 ing cadence, that the sound vibrated in the 
 ears of our hero even in the hours of sleep ; — 
 there was so much in this " Oh, yez !" that he 
 could not get it out of his brain. Yes, in it- 
 self, is a sweet word coming from smiling lips :
 
 THE GUARDS. 65 
 
 it is the flattering and gratifying monosyllable 
 of assent ; it is the crier's prefatory address 
 when he has goods on hand, valuables to dispose 
 of, and the like ; and what goods and valuables 
 can be more (we will not say marketable) de- 
 sirable than beauty ? Then, again, this Oh, 
 yes ! was softened into yez,* the z being thrice 
 as soft as the s ; and lastly, as it was done 
 scherzando, it would have great efi'ect. 
 
 At the conclusion of the scenic performance, 
 our hero retired to his hotel, and took the 
 waiter's advice of not mingling in promiscuous 
 play ; and in the morning when his valet asked 
 if he should order breakfast, the master was 
 
 * Those who are acquainted with this magnet, and 
 particularly her theatrical companions, will recognize 
 her sportfid manner of accenting the word, together 
 with divers other enchantments in every thing which she 
 says or does — (Remark, ye critics, that we speak mere- 
 ly as an amateur.) Such power has this performer over 
 the heart, that we are assured that a pedant of fifty 
 years old, the least inflammable-looking materials ima- 
 ginable, and who came up from Cambridge per coach, 
 purposely to see this lady, exclaimed, as he left the 
 theatre, " Si mea cum vestris valuissent vota."
 
 66 THE GUARDS. 
 
 very near answering " Oh, yez !" the word 
 springing involuntarily, inserted in a page of 
 the Pleasures of Memory, as soon as the Cho- 
 colata, which he learned to drink from his 
 Spanish associate, was removed ; and after 
 he had nearly eaten the wing of a poulet en 
 marinade, and tossed about a few prawns, he 
 took up the Post, and there saw the arrival 
 of a brother Elegant in the Guards, from 
 Brighton, at the Clarendon. He accordingly 
 got pen, ink, and paper, and invited him to 
 dinner : the answer was brought back by one 
 of his footmen, declining the invitation, but 
 proposing that Herbert should dine on guard 
 with his friend, when he would have an oppor- 
 tunity of introducing him to a number of his 
 brother officers. He at the same time announced 
 to him the felicitous tidings of his having to 
 kiss hands for his appointment, and of his 
 having been in orders for guard. Shortly after, 
 a comely orderly, with the Waterloo medal 
 glittering on his breast, brought the orderly
 
 THE GUARDS. 67 
 
 book for his inspection ; and as he smiled con- 
 tentedly on seeing his name beside that of an 
 honourable Commoner on the same duty, he 
 gave the orderly a sovereign to drink his health, 
 and sent for Stultz to take his measure, and to 
 make his regimentals with all possible speed. 
 
 A moment*'s attention, gentle and fashionable 
 reader ! We are well aware that the eye of cri- 
 ticism may be here upon us ; we know as well 
 as our severe observer, that officers are not put 
 on guard until they have been fitted for parade ; 
 we have been drilled ourselves, and are not ig- 
 norant of the Adjutant's instructions, together 
 with the incipient duties of officer-recruits ; but 
 we suppose these matters to be got over ; they 
 would not much amuse our civil perusers, — 
 much less the ladies, whose approbation will ever 
 be of the highest value in our eyes ; and we 
 therefore hope that we shall be pardoned for 
 this trifling deviation from ordinary routine, and 
 for this solitary instance of not keeping in view
 
 68 THE GUARDS. 
 
 the unities of time and place. Our old favourite 
 companion Horace, who knew a thing or two in 
 his day, tells us very broadly that 
 
 '^ Pictoribus atque poetis 
 
 Quidlibet audendi semper fuit aequa potestas." 
 
 And if " Pictoribus atque poetis,'''' why not 
 Auctoribus? — for the author requires his lati- 
 tude, as well as the painter and the poet. 
 
 A first dinner with the Guards ! How at- 
 tractive to one of the corps ! how desirable, 
 indeed, to any one ! " Weil !" thought our 
 hero, " I am only known to my friend and to 
 Bramblewood in the Brigade ;"" and he consi- 
 dered that it would not be amiss to be seen a 
 little previous to the dinner-hour. His caval- 
 cade had arrived, and he could drive four-in- 
 hand up and down St. James''s Street, Pall 
 » Mall, Piccadilly, May Fair, (where dwelt the 
 fair songstress of the night before, — her whose 
 lips give a better idea of " Cherry ripe,'''' than 
 all the miserable rest of the ballad, whic 
 would come to nothing were it not for
 
 THE GUARDS. 69 
 
 " Becks and winks and wreathed smiles. 
 Such as lurk on Hebe's cheek.") 
 
 He would thus be seen by the Guards on 
 and off duty ; they might recollect the 
 person so driving, with two grooms behind 
 him, and half a dozen handsome dogs ; and 
 this might pave the way to a distinguished re- 
 ception. He might, at the same time, make a 
 morning call, and look in at TattersaPs ; and 
 after that appear on horseback, on an Arabian, 
 followed by a thorough-bred grey, with a pedi- 
 gree as long as that of Bourbon or Braganza. 
 He had, however, a letter to write to his 
 mother ; but whilst that was going on, his 
 vehicle was ordered to be in waiting at the 
 door ; and his riding-horses were also in at- 
 tendance. 
 
 The Guards heeded tliem nought : scarcely 
 an aristocratic eye was turned that way, and 
 
 the 
 
 Vulgi stante corona" 
 
 (C
 
 70 THE GUARDS. 
 
 alone marked that riches and novelty were 
 there ! 
 
 Five o'clock struck when the youth took the 
 ribbons and mounted the box : he was alone ; 
 and as he double-thonged a wheeler at the top 
 of St. James's Street, he heard one Guardsman 
 say to another, " Who the devil have we got 
 here ?" (Answer.) " Some rich citizen's son 
 from College, or some better-born greenhorn 
 pitching it strong to court notoriety/' 
 
 He was mortified : but he was cheered in 
 Piccadilly by coachees and cads. — " My eyes, 
 Jack ! here 's a fresh swell ! He cuts it fat, 
 so help me Bob !" — " Strike me flat if he 
 doesn't do the thing genteel ! four rare prads 
 and a gallows pretty vater-sipaniel ! all spick 
 and span itoo, too ! He has got the shiners, 
 1 11 answer for it. I say, Jacky, good luck to 
 him ! I likes the cut of his gib, and the square 
 of his elburs, I should be proud to be his 
 head-coachman or stud-groom, so help me J"
 
 THE GUARD?. 
 
 71 
 
 For a few seconds vanity intoxicated the 
 man— 
 
 " He seems to nod, affects the God/' 
 
 and fain would he have been the out-and-outer 
 king of low company ; — but a second thought 
 drew him from the turf and stable swell, and 
 he drove off with other feelings, and speedily 
 returned to his hotel, with the Guards, and 
 nothing but the Guards, in his mind : — so did 
 the esprit du corps operate on his mind at that 
 early period of being identified with the corps. 
 
 He must now prepare for dinner, and there 
 he wished to lead, to rise superior to officers in 
 general joining their regiment. He dressed ele- 
 gantly, had a valuable antique on his finger, a 
 diamond of high price in the bosom of his cam- 
 bric under-garment, a glass round his neck, 
 although he saw better without it, a costly 
 snufF-box in his pocket ; and his Hookar Bedar 
 was to call at the hour when he tliouoht that a
 
 72 THE GUARDS. 
 
 military party might resort to smoking, with a 
 magnificent hookar, an amber pipe, a gold tube, 
 and a beautiful enamelled box of Havannah 
 cigars. He had now to prepare his conversa- 
 tion : Mamma had made him cut Greek and 
 Latin, to study heraldry, and to get the peer- 
 age by heart. He had all the branches of 
 noble families, their bearings, distances, con- 
 nexions, and adventures, at his fingers'* ends. 
 He had the Racing Kalendar also by rote. He 
 had been long enough in Paris to talk of all its 
 follies, vanities, and amusements. Of London 
 he had seen but little ; but he had the names of 
 all the vocal and instrumental performers of the 
 Opera in remembrance ; he knew the whole 
 corps du ballet by name ; spoke scientifically of 
 the Cori/phee; could draw comparisons betwixt 
 Paris and I^ondon ; could talk at length of the 
 vocal and saltatorial abilities of the Ballatore e 
 Ballatrice; discuss affairs of opinion on this 
 head; weigh in the scale of taste and fashion 
 the merits of a Ronzi di Begnis and a Garcia ;
 
 THE GUARDS. 73 
 
 of a Pasta (and an admirable Pasta it is), as a 
 standing dish of gusto, an accomplished and 
 refined performer in her powerful art ; could 
 throw in his dues of admiration to a Brocard 
 and a Buron, and join in a laugh against poor 
 Velluti, so hardly rubbed in " The Age," and 
 caricatured with his female chorus-singers in 
 the print-shops. He was quite as familiar with 
 the nick-names of Chalk Farm* for certain 
 boxes, as if he had been un habitue, and 
 straight took up his station there. True, all this 
 would have made him a demigod in any of His 
 Majesty's line regiments, and he expected that 
 it would, at least, have procured him a value 
 far above par in the Gardes; but alas ! he was 
 
 * We presume that we need not tell our readers that 
 the two stage-boxes on each side of the pit tiers are 
 thrown into double boxes, and are let to a number of 
 noble blades, who step in there to admire imteps. The 
 chalk which they receive from pretty feet and from 
 feats of agility, has given the name above mentioned : 
 this is perhaps in imitation of the Roman style, — Pulve' 
 rem Olympicum coUegisse juvat. 
 
 VOL. I. E
 
 7^ THE GUARDS. 
 
 mistaken, as we shall see. At this moment be- 
 hold his Guard-friend arrives, the carriage 
 drives up, and both personages start for a 
 Guard-dinner ; — " Bon appetit, mes amis!''
 
 THE GUARDS. 75 
 
 CHAPTER IV. 
 
 DISAPPOINTMENT. HUMILIATION. RETURN 
 
 HOME. 
 
 '^'\^''orth makes the man, the want of it the fellow ; 
 The rest is nought but leather and prunella." 
 
 Pope. 
 
 Herbert Greenlaw was kindlv received 
 by his brother officers, but witliout warmth : 
 this commodity is not of town make ; it is an 
 inhabitant of the country; it pitches its tent, 
 or bivouacs, where the hardships of a campagrte 
 (so called now, campaign being obsolete) draw 
 comrades nearer together, and convince them 
 of the comfort and necessity of union, mutual 
 kindness, and mutual support. The officers of 
 the Guards, who had deserved well of their 
 country abroad, were not strangers to this 
 
 E 2
 
 76 THE GUARDS. 
 
 truth, but they considered it as out of time 
 and place in London ; and those who had en- 
 tered the corps since the peace had no habits 
 but those of the court and town — refined 
 distance and well-bred indifference; nay, even 
 the laurelled veterans had fallen into the soft 
 chains of ease and pleasure, and never, except 
 when together, thought of the victory or the 
 wreath, fallen brethren and firm friendships. 
 A little more of what is inurbanely called good 
 fellowship — jollity, and a hearty welcome — 
 exists in marching regiments ; but the cavalry 
 somewhat resembles the Guards, and the hardy 
 dragoon is sunk into the military Exquisite. 
 This first want of a certain degree of openness 
 which puts a stranger at his ease, and makes 
 timidity feel at home and happy, was no dis- 
 appointment to our youth : mamma had taught 
 him to be very Jine^ and he expected to find 
 the same deportment in the polished Gardes ; 
 but what mortified him in the extreme was his 
 failure in producing any effect on his brother-
 
 THE GUARDS. M 
 
 officers. In the first instance, a Peer was there 
 as a strano-er, and eng-rossed more attention 
 than the proud young Commoner ; all his he- 
 raldry was useless, not being brought into 
 play ; and the absence of smoking kept his 
 splendid apparatus for that amusement in the 
 dark. In the conversation he could take little 
 part, because a knot of officers had accidentally 
 met together, who had served in Spain and 
 Flanders : we allude not to the first campaign 
 of the Low Countries, to the siege of Valen- 
 ciennes, to Dunkirk, or any part of those mili- 
 tary operations, — not that there was the smallest 
 lack of true couraoe there, although it was not 
 crowned with success, — but we mean the last 
 glorious, final, and decisive campagne, or cam- 
 paign, of Belgium, (which, be it well remem- 
 bered, was always known by the name of La 
 Flandre Autrichienne in former times, and 
 when under the yoke of the house of Haps- 
 burg, just as Dunkirk, Gravelines, Lisle, &c. 
 &c. were designated La Flandre Fran9aise,)
 
 78 
 
 THE GUAEDS. 
 
 and which had the memorable battle of Wa- 
 terloo, or of Mont St. Jean as the French call 
 it, for its grand finale. This rtunion des hraveSy 
 which thus occurred par hasard, had all been 
 engaged in the campaigns in question, either 
 in or out of the Guards, (some having pur- 
 chased since) ; and it was more than probable, 
 it was natural, at a military dinner above all 
 things, that they should have thus conversed : 
 at a mixed assemblage not one would, even 
 when the wine went briskly round, have fought 
 all his battles o*er again, — 
 
 " And thrice (have) routed all his foes. 
 And thrice (thus) slew the slain ;" 
 
 but here discourse might naturally run al- 
 most entirely on the seat of war, military tac- 
 tics, the two last wars, the politics of the 
 Continent, the conduct and views of the bel- 
 ligerent and other powers. In the course 
 of these discussions, French and Spanish 
 were spoken ; and two officers in particular, 
 a Guardsman and a visiting most intelligent
 
 THE GUARDS. 79 
 
 artillery oiBcer, displayed much science, and 
 a very superior education. At this moment 
 young Greenlaw would have felt a very 
 painful inferiority, and might have regret- 
 ted the waste of time on vanity and bau- 
 bles, had not the pride of Lady Gertrude 
 come in to his aid. He was now about to dis- 
 relish the corps, when, fortunately, a young 
 ensign, who hid a yawn in a scented handker- 
 chief, started the subject of crim. cons., elope- 
 ments, and faux pas in high life. Here young 
 Herbert could listen with attention, and even 
 put in a word occasionally. Touching on Sir 
 Jacobus Horsley, the Lieutenant said to the 
 Ensign, " My dear Hervey, I wonder that you 
 can be so bUnded by former habits of friend- 
 ship, contracted with this triste chevalier at 
 college, as to pity him for what is the work of 
 his own hands. His wife is as handsome as a 
 star, and required good looking after ; Jacobus 
 was always a weak and vain creature at the 
 university, and he has not improved since.
 
 80 THE GUARDS. 
 
 He is one of the many blockheads in the first 
 circles who think that they may run wild the 
 race of gallantry and voluptuousness, yet keep 
 their wives chaste at home ; who hug to their 
 souls the unction of self-confidence, and ima- 
 gine that their intrigues and amours must either 
 be ignored, or tolerated by their cara sposas, 
 whilst their happy partners have to sing affec- 
 tionately, and like wedded simpletons, 
 
 * But if you dishonour my truth and deceive me, 
 Should I e'er cease to love you ? 
 Oh ! no, my love, no !' 
 
 It is, indeed, ' no, my love, no !' but in a very 
 different sense of the word. Now Sir Jacobus 
 has had the pride and folly to confide his egare- 
 mens to his bottle companions, and the defendant 
 was as well acquainted with them as any one. 
 Did not a departed peer, whose eagle-winged 
 genius imposes silence on his name, undermine 
 his domestic happiness by counting his former 
 adventures to Madame, and by leaving her to 
 be convinced that he considered incontinence
 
 THE GUARDS. 
 
 81 
 
 as a peccadillo in a husband, but as an unpar- 
 donable peccato in a wife ? nay, he did not take 
 the pains to act up to the old Italian adage, 
 which tells us that 
 
 ' Peccato celato 
 . E la meta perdonato ;* 
 
 for he, as well as the poor gentleman with the 
 long list of names, took no pains at all to throw 
 the veil of concealment over his conjugal trans- 
 gressions. I remember, also, a vain old would- 
 be Adonis, the joint proprietor of a certain ex- 
 tinguished newspaper, a sharer in a certain 
 theatre, and a transatlantic placeman, not for- 
 getting his being a lawyer and a democrat : 
 this aged imbecile, after marrying a blaze of 
 youth and beauty, used to fill up his leisure 
 and tete-d-tete hours with his amatory pursuits 
 in his youth, and to introduce a harlequin 
 family to his rib. The consequence of which 
 was, that a certain diplomatic lord stepped in 
 and won the lady's affections, leaving her after- 
 wards to infamy and a separation without law, 
 
 E 5
 
 88 THE GUARDS. 
 
 form, or ceremony ; and was the remote cause of 
 her broken heart and wandering mind ; for, after 
 acting with a company of strolling players, she 
 suddenly disappeared from life's page, nor is 
 the cause or manner of her death satisfactorily 
 accounted for. — I know not," continued the 
 speaker, " which to despise the most, the weak- 
 ness or wickedness of such husbands.'* 
 
 The men of war were in committee at one 
 corner of the table, whilst the men of pleasure 
 were thus conversing at the other. Colonel 
 St. George (the name is borrowed, nor could 
 one be found dearer to an Englishman's 
 heart) and Captain Howitzer had just de- 
 feated the French army at Talavera, when this 
 little sally of morality attracted them ; it was 
 rare at a mess-table, and it arrested their at- 
 tention. 
 
 " That the cornuto should get no pecuniary 
 satisfaction does not surprise me," added the 
 moralising Lieutenant ; *' because he did not 
 come into court with clean hands ; and the ej-
 
 THE GUARDS. 83 
 
 pose must have cut him to the quick ! but, 
 nevertheless, it was too bad in one so well re- 
 ceived in his house, Vami de la maiso?i, an in- 
 timate, as one may say, to act thus trea- 
 cherously !" 
 
 " Why, my dear fellow !" affectedly lisped 
 out a young lobster, who, by his youth and 
 size, looked more like a lobster"'s claw, " it is 
 quite evident that he felt at home — he could 
 not take such a liberty w^th a stranger." 
 
 A general laugh terminated this topic : — so 
 does it often occur that unprincipled habits 
 become familiar, and pass off under a flash of 
 wit, a flourish of rhetoric, or a plausible ex- 
 terior. The apologist (if such he was in ear- 
 nest) of vice, although extremely young, pos- 
 sesses a lively imagination, quick repartee, and 
 a vein of humour, dangerous both to the 
 speaker and the hearer, and yet the heart 
 seems to be good. At Eton he was a wit — 
 what he may be plus tardy we venture not to 
 say, nor will we give either a nickname or his
 
 84 THE GUARDS. 
 
 initials, or cypher, assured that he will never 
 be a cypher in society, and hoping that his 
 ofF-hand talent will not make him forget me- 
 rits more intrinsic. 
 
 The night was wearing away, and it is 
 not in town as at out-quarters, that the mess- 
 table is the only resource: clubs, hells, and 
 other places, open their doors to the officer 
 on duty, if within his hmits, where they 
 very artfully and very conveniently are placed ; 
 whilst the visitor has the theatres, the " At- 
 homes," the quadrille parties, private play, 
 and other private concerns, to fill up the 
 remnant of his waking hours. A vast im- 
 provement has taken place since ** the bottle, 
 (which) gives us a glimpse through the gloom," 
 was the only resource of the officers on duty ; 
 and since the Horse Guards used to be the 
 scene of abominable nocturnal orgies and great 
 expense, when staggering Subs might be picked 
 up upon the pavement, or their pockets picked 
 at the gaming-tables of Pall Mall and St.
 
 THE GUARDS. 85 
 
 James's Street. Hard drinking is everywhere 
 declining in high life, both civil and military ; 
 and we wish that our dashing blades of the 
 day would decline all the other dangerous 
 temptations which come in their way. Should 
 the term blade appear unseemly, or too familiar 
 for his Majesty's Guards, we beg leave to re- 
 mind them ; that it is only as a nom de guerre ; 
 that there is a variety of blades, — poHshed blades, 
 }X)inted blades, well-tempered blades, keen-edged 
 or sharp-set blades, gentle blades, and peaceable 
 blades, such as do for chimney-ornaments, or 
 militia-musters ; and we leave to the gallant 
 Guards to select the denomination which best 
 suits them : the two first, we are sure, belonsr 
 to them ; and we trust that, in perusing our 
 humble pages, the temper will be equal to the 
 polish. 
 
 Tiie party now broke up. Our young hero 
 was but half pleased ; he did not feel so great 
 as he expected, but he considered that he 
 should rise in time, and, when Ivady Ger-
 
 86 THE GUARDS. 
 
 trude's opening her house for the season took 
 place, his comrades, no doubt, would be too 
 happy to flock to her standara, which would 
 give him a great elevation amongst his com- 
 peers. No one knew better than her lady- 
 ship how to render her parties both effective 
 and attractive : she had the talent of pairing 
 her guests, of inviting those who liked to 
 meet, of allocating them together in quadrilles, 
 at card-tables, and at supper ; of pressing the 
 old Paul and Paulina Pry's so as to fix them 
 at the Board of Green Cloth, or in a corner 
 at a concert, so that happy nymphs and happy 
 swains might be alone in the multitude, and 
 be disengaged from the toils of a waltz, or an 
 ecarte, whilst capering misses and saltatorial 
 beaux might be on the floor of admiration as 
 much as they pleased. Nor was all this manoeu- 
 vring the eff*ect of dissipated manners, or self- 
 interest ; she was neither a raker at the gam- 
 ing-table, nor a convenience to her illustrious 
 visitors; it was merely a tact which she pos-
 
 THE GUARDS. 87 
 
 sessed, and by which she filled her house with 
 the first company, and emptied her husband's 
 coffers with the greatest despatch ; it also 
 gained her popularity, and, as she thought, 
 paved the way to the future greatness of her 
 son. 
 
 Cheered with the prospect of her arrival, 
 her darling son supported the ennui of his 
 evening, and retired to rest, but not until he 
 had gone contrary to the ad\ace of not play- 
 ing at common hells ; (Mr. Crackpurse's is an 
 uncommon Pandemonium, nay, ranks, as we 
 have already heard, as a Cluh- like.) At one 
 of these, after losing his loose gold, he gave 
 a check upon Coutts's bank for a hundred 
 pounds : this brought all the locusts around 
 him ; it augured admirably for the birds of 
 prey ; and although our hero had no taste for 
 gaming, no inveterate itch for the rattling 
 of dice and the turning up of cards, still did 
 he not quit the scene until he eased himself of 
 five hundred sterling.
 
 88 THE GUARDS. 
 
 AVe cannot help wondering how men of sense 
 and of family can risk whole fortunes in the 
 most promiscuous and worst of company ; yet 
 so it is. A certain amiable Duke had this 
 rage in days of yore, and paid for just peep- 
 ing into these sinks of perdition. The gains 
 of these minor concerns, although no way com- 
 parable to the Crackpurse establishment, may 
 be somewhat guessed at when we recollect that 
 one gaming-table keeper (now no more) usher- 
 ed his son into an estate, a seat in Parliament, 
 and the highest army rank ; and when we refer 
 to the worthies not very long ago sent to the 
 Bench, and whose tenacity prevented one of 
 them from paying the penalty, which would 
 have been a bagatelle to him. 
 
 Morning and vapours, head-ache and heart- 
 sickness, brought Herbert Greenlaw to his 
 hotel; but his powerful ally, pride, brought 
 him out of the scrape again. " D — n the 
 money !" exclaimed he, " it is nothing, after all. 
 I will never go amongst these rascals again.
 
 THE GUARDS. 89 
 
 but live more with my brethren the Guards, 
 and always play in good company. I must 
 confess that, all dull as it was to me, I should 
 liave been safe with the officers of my regiment, 
 amongst whom I met with nothing but talent, 
 good-breeding, rational conversation, and, what 
 I prize most, h ton de la bonjie compagnie, et 
 r usage du mo?ule." With these words he fell 
 asleep. 
 
 The sound of drums and fifes awakened 
 him : this was succeeded by the martial music 
 of a first-rate mihtary band — it was that of 
 the Guards, and he had intended to be an 
 observing spectator of the parade. But the 
 gaming-table overturns all order and duty ; and 
 we doubt if the man devoted to rouge et }ioir, 
 to the turning up of a Knave, (and all knaves 
 deserve to be turued-up another way,) a King, 
 or Queen, can be faithful to any engagement. 
 The King would be ill served by such victims 
 of infatuation ; and the Queen of Hearts might 
 plead to them in vain ; whilst her Majesty of
 
 90 THE GUARDS. 
 
 Diamonds would find her property in jeopardy, 
 if intrusted to such subjects. Club-law might 
 have some effect upon these club gentry ; and 
 when the Spade came to perform its last duty, it 
 would cast dust upon degraded remains, whose 
 eyes had been blinded through life by the glit- 
 tering dust of avarice, and the golden tide, which 
 allures, but never satisfies the thirst of an ancient 
 or a modern Tantalus. Our hero dressed, or- 
 dered breakfast, received a letter from his 
 lady mother, and remembered that he was for 
 guard next day. La chocolata seemed tasteless ; 
 strong coff'ee offered a stimulus to his nerves; 
 he added to it a glass of Curagoa ; it heated, 
 but relieved him not; and at this fatal mo- 
 ment the sweet form and sad souvenir of Emma 
 seemed to flit before his eyes. " Shall I write 
 to her ? Certainly yes. Am I worthy of her ? 
 Oh ! no. But she is too humbly born, and 
 would obscure my bright passage through fa- 
 shionable life." 
 
 The waiter entered, and it was a momentary
 
 THE GUARDS. 91 
 
 relief: the guilty or wavering mind, unable 
 to support itself, flies to any foreign object 
 to draw it from itself. 
 
 " By the way, waiter," said our Elegant, 
 " you said something the day before yester- 
 day to Sir Lumbago about the inmates of 
 the hotel : — who are Mr. Barnaby Allnose, and 
 Samuel Barnsley Harman, Esquire.'^" 
 
 " Why, Sir, the latter gentleman is a fine, 
 regular out-and-outer ; one who cares not a 
 pin for money; a monstrous handsome young 
 fellow, and up to every thing : he has spent 
 two fortunes already, and was 7iigh (a common 
 term for near) being married to an heiress a 
 few months ago ; but he and his friend, who 
 were to have taken off the young lady, fell 
 short of cash on the road, and so the matter 
 dropped off altogether, and there was a great 
 change of situation : the parents shut up Miss, 
 and the friends who were to have borne off 
 the lady came home on the outside of a day- 
 coach : however, this gentleman has so many
 
 92 THE GUARDS. 
 
 resources, that there 's no doubt but he has 
 got a third fortune; and some say that he 
 has got a very rich widow in tow. All I know 
 is, that he lives here like a prince, and never 
 looks at his bills." 
 
 The waiter was only half informed : — he had 
 many resources, but, like the strength of a 
 beaten pugilist, they did not come to time. 
 Before his marriage he was whitewashed, and 
 his wife's fortune was so tied up as not to be 
 a tangible article; he however set sail again, 
 and got on shore, but was got off this time by a 
 bankruptcy ; and after a little more skirmish- 
 ing, went off altogether, and left a different 
 name at the hotel from that which the talkative 
 waiter gave him to young Greenlaw. 
 
 " The other gentleman," continued he, — 
 " (Coming, coming, Sir !) is a man of great 
 family and abilities — a scholar, a poet, and a 
 great traveller ; he is the grandson of a Lord, 
 and his father is high up in the Church; and 
 the great folks like him most amazingly, both
 
 THE GUARDS. 93 
 
 for his wit and information : he, too, knows 
 
 well how to live, and spares no expense/* 
 
 In two or three days our hero heard a very 
 
 different story from an elderly officer in his 
 
 regiment, who gave him much information and 
 
 good advice, the last of which he never took. 
 
 The classical and able Barnaby had received 
 
 an excellent education, and it had not been 
 
 t 
 
 thrown away upon him ; in fact, he had done 
 more for himself than his preceptors, or even -^ 
 
 his travels : but as to the fortune and the 
 pedigree, the poetical vein, and the high es- 
 teem of the great, it was embroidery upon 
 canvass. His race was partly Judaical and 
 partly Hibernian ; or, as a wag observed, he 
 was begotten bet^vixt a hautboy and a Jew's 
 harp. His grandmamma was a Jewish actress, 
 lx)rn, we believe, at Gibraltar ; his grandpapa 
 bore a name that smelt of the tribes of Judea, 
 but he became ennobled and bore a title ; he 
 however forgot to marry grandmamma, and 
 thus she had no right or title to the Right
 
 94 THE GUARDS. 
 
 Honourable. Papa was not bom in wedlock, but 
 was sent to school and college, and was ac- 
 counted a bright scholar. He married a public 
 singer, whose papa played the hautboy, or cla- 
 rionet, at the head of a militia band; and 
 when the conjugal noose was found a restraint, 
 he broke his marriage, motived on nonage 
 and the not having arrived at the years of dis- 
 cretion. His church promotion is lucrative ; it 
 was purchased, and is somehow or other made 
 over to his creditors, whilst the Reverend travels 
 about on the Continent, like a wandering Jew, 
 and is the pillar of all tripots in Paris and 
 elsewhere. He once was at the head of one in 
 London, and the proprietors have still to re- 
 gret the period. Mr. Lafolie, now an in-door 
 lodger in a certain house 0"^pr the water, paid 
 dearly for his acquaintance, from his kind 
 offer of discounting his bills. Poor Lafolie is 
 the descendant of a banker: it is, therefore, 
 hard to be in Banco where he is. Father and
 
 THE GUARDS. 95 
 
 son have no connexion ; and the latter has 
 many good points which the father lacks very 
 much. As to poetry, Barnaby certainly wrote 
 a thing or two in verse, so heavy that, had it 
 been lead, it really might have had some price ; 
 as it is, tCen parlous plus. And as to the coun- 
 tenance of the great, his own good-natured 
 countenance, good person, and showy manners, 
 have gained him many friends. He has sense, 
 he is a classic, and has discrimination, the 
 want of which would ruin a statesman, and 
 much more an adventurer :* these always make 
 him respectable and bear him up, and are the 
 cause of his being most comfortably domes- 
 ticated in the North, where he lives apparently 
 free and independent, but with nothing but 
 
 * Mr. Barnaby? after glittering in the West in a 
 most creditable way, — for who so creditable as those 
 who have numerous creditors and long-winded credit ? — 
 took up a position in St. George's in the East, and gave 
 his creditors a draft in full of all demands on Lord 
 Redesdale.
 
 96 THE GUARDS. 
 
 his good humour to feed and clothe him, — ^like 
 Michael Cassio, the drunken lieutenant. 
 
 But it is time to return to young Greenlaw ; 
 for, as we say in French, Je reviens toujours a 
 mes moutons. This day passed in a round of 
 visits, or rather of card-leaving, and was ter- 
 minated by his dining with his friend on guard 
 in the Tower : — the next day, happy event ! 
 he was for guard.
 
 THE GUARDS. 
 
 97 
 
 CHAPTER V. 
 
 ON GUARD. — PRIDE FURTHER WOUNDED. 
 
 " His stubble beard shone like a field at harvest home ; 
 Besides he was perfumed like a milliner !'' 
 
 Shakspeare. 
 
 The gay and graceful youths who have had 
 the fatigue of rising at seven o"'clock A. M. 
 after going to bed at four A. M., with the view 
 of accomplishing a toilette soignte at or before 
 ten, in order to be in time for garde, will un- 
 derstand and pity the trouble and anxiety of 
 our military novice, who had this arduous task 
 to perform. A scarlet coat (put on for the first 
 time only) requires much more adjusting than 
 
 VOL. I. F
 
 98 THE GUARDS. 
 
 any other : a young officer wishes to be all the 
 dandy, yet to have a certain martial hair (as 
 the London drill-serjeant calls it) ; his clothes 
 spic and span new, have unequalled lustre, yet 
 he must try not to seem like a recruit : an 
 epaulette is a weighty matter in a greenhorn 
 Ensign''s mind ; it must not hang like a swab 
 dingle dangle in front, so as to make a young 
 gentleman narrow-chested (even if this be the 
 only gold or silver which he has in. or on his 
 chest) ; it must not be thrown too far back, 
 so as to leave a plenum vacuum in the front, 
 and to cause the officer to pass for a mere 
 soldier, or rather for a non-commissioned ; it 
 must be so dexterously managed as to ex- 
 hibit the officer and the gentleman in front 
 and rear, and to render his shoulders square, 
 broad, and well-proportioned, giving to the 
 chest a fine expanded appearance. Touching 
 the breast, there are two decided opinions, 
 and they are tenaciously held and disputed, 
 betwixt the Cavalry and Infantry, horse, foot,
 
 THE GUARDS. 99 
 
 and dragoons ; and betwixt the French mo- 
 dels and the Prussian copyists : — the point, too, 
 is very important ; therefore may we be allowed 
 to dilate a Httle on it, because dress is next to ad- 
 dress. The one mode is to thrust forth the pul- 
 monic case, i. e. the bosom, like that of a pout- 
 ing pigeon's, (and pigeons have very often cause 
 to pout) : this arrangement gives a fine contrast 
 to the pinching in of the waist, and it is pos- 
 sible that by it a young fellow may be consi- 
 dered as a being with a spacious enlarged heart; 
 but then the fact is, that this is better suited 
 for the lancer or hussar, than for the heavy 
 dragoon or infantry officer, because the aiguiU 
 lette and gold or silver cord, together with the 
 rest of the body harness of the former, and 
 the braidings, buttons, furs, loose drapery, and 
 pelisse of the latter, require something to play 
 upon ; and when the pouting pigeon-breast is 
 well bespangled and belaced, it looks like a 
 noblewoman's pincushion, studded all over by 
 her jewels. Per contra, (errors excepted) a 
 
 F 2
 
 100 THE GUARDS. 
 
 broad flat expanse, terminated by a pair of 
 epaulettes, shows rank and strength together — 
 " Union et force ;" and there is no need for 
 putting the infantry officer to a pinch, as the 
 lancer and the light cavalry-man are, and 
 swelling out the contrasted conclusion of the 
 figure, so as to make it resemble a Dutch toy. 
 The well-dressed Guardsman comes down ra- 
 ther more square to the centre ; and, when he 
 acts upon the square, " All 's weir through 
 life's campagne. These matters duly taken into 
 consideration, the sash became the next object 
 of tasteful tying, and, after three coups d^essai, 
 it was done in a masterly manner. The gor- 
 get was next to be centrally situated on the 
 pectoral promontory, and the French valet de 
 chambre kept up a quarter of an hour's dispu- 
 tation upon this point : unfortunately for time, 
 Monsieur de la France had served in Napo- 
 leon's army; and although he had been beaten 
 with it in the Peninsula, yet he held all other 
 troops very cheap. At length he was per-
 
 THE GUARDS. 101 
 
 mitted to place the hausse-col, muttering, " La 
 guerre, Vhonnenr, notre Empereur, et nos mili- 
 taires," in a dozen forms, during which vacant 
 interval the English footman swore at him iti 
 sotto voce, coloured up, and frowned at him 
 with all his might, and whispered something 
 between his teeth about servinn: him out if he 
 set up any of his French airs ; which, doubtless, 
 if carried into practice, would have put Mon- 
 sieur's pipe out. 
 
 'Tvv'as strange, but not less true, that young 
 Greenlaw, though distant and haughty with 
 all his ether servants, w^as talkative and fami- 
 liar with his foreign attendants. He had pick- 
 ed up this habit abroad, where the thing is 
 common ; nevertheless, we think that much 
 evil, and no great good, can accrue from it, 
 either abroad or at home. In the latter, it 
 creates great jealousy in our native domestics, 
 fosters the pride of the foreigner, and often 
 leads to the exposure, betraying, and ruin of 
 indulgent extravagants. The sword was the
 
 102 THE GUARDS. 
 
 last object of attention — to his laurelled com- 
 rades it was the first ; this weapon sat awk- 
 wardly on his stranger thigh ; it was a maiden 
 sword, and might hang down its head on that 
 account. The Frenchman was for having it 
 thrust almost in front ;* the footman took it out 
 of his hands and hung it behind : " Jean f out ^"^ 
 cried the hasty Gaul, (John footman, perhaps 
 he meant) ; John looked daggers at him : — the 
 master brought the weapon right upon the hip. 
 The chacot we had almost forgotten ; it was a 
 capital omission ; it bore a superb plume, so 
 that our Ensign might fairly be called in high 
 feather. But the clock struck, and the officer 
 for duty was obliged to put it on any how, 
 and it was not done in a very soJdier-like man- 
 ner ; it did not please Napoleon's jeune garde, 
 who went off shrugging up his shoulders and 
 
 singing, 
 
 " Soldats Fran9oiS;, chantez Roland, 
 L*honneur de la Chevalerie.'* 
 
 * The French infantry officers wear their swords 
 odiously.
 
 THE GUARDS. 103 
 
 John footman swore at him loudly and 
 heartily. Mounseer (as John called him) de- 
 manded *' sa-tis-fac-tion." " Oh ! I 11 satisfy 
 him," cried John, "if he'll come out in the 
 court-yard/'' " Dans la cour !" replied the 
 offended party : " non, in Hyde Pare, with my 
 sword." On this John rudely gave him, not 
 quelque chose, but kick shoes with a thorough 
 good-will ; of wliich the latter complained ve- 
 hemently to his master, who immediately turn- 
 ed John off. 
 
 Revenge, however, they say, is sweet, and 
 Ssurly John met his enemy soon after in the 
 streets, and so Jisticated him that he was 
 obliged to keep his room for a week. 
 
 The young Ensign was now on Parade. His 
 coat, although made by the first hand, had been 
 altered three times : — it fitted him like wax, af- 
 ter divers cuttings-out of pieces, fine-drawings, 
 paddings, bolsterings, et cetera, et cetera ; and 
 he considered himself quite comme il faut, 
 doubting not but that a thousand female voices
 
 104 THE GUARDS. 
 
 would echo through the streets, " What a 
 handsome young officer ! what a sweet fellow !" 
 — and a sweet fellow he was, for he seemed as 
 if he lodged at the sign of the Civet Cat : you 
 might wind him at a quarter of a mile off. 
 He had rather overdone the matter, so that, 
 when he came in front of the battalion, the 
 Commanding Officer looked significantly at the 
 Adjutant, and expressed the smile of pity 
 which dwells next door to contempt : he, how- 
 ever, shook hands with him, and at the usual 
 signal officers fell in. 
 
 He was afterwards very near falling out 
 with Colonel Leadon, the Captain of the 
 Guard ; who, taking him by the arm in a 
 fatherly manner, after the different guards had 
 marched off, gave him some unpalatable ad- 
 vice as to coxcombicality, the necessity for 
 having a more soldier-like appearance, and 
 instructed him how to put his cap on. It was 
 rather unlucky for our novice that the Guard 
 had a great sprinkling of old soldiers in it, both
 
 THE GUARDS. 105 
 
 officers and men : the Colonel was a Companion 
 of the Bath, and wore its decoration in his 
 button-hole ; the Lieutenant had the Waterloo 
 medal ; and one Subaltern was a paragon of 
 manly beauty, who quite eclipsed the proud 
 heir of Greenlaw Hall: his only resource, 
 therefore^ was to pitch upon a spare, sickly- 
 looking boy, of low stature, a weak sprig of 
 quality, a brother Sub, and to make him his 
 arm-companion through the day. He was al- 
 most a caricature by the side of well-propor- 
 tioned privates ; but we have seen these ten- 
 drils turn out very well in time, as the oak 
 sapling becomes at length the terror of the 
 ocean, and the monarch of the woods. 
 
 The period of being on guard in peaceable 
 times differs widely from that duty in a cam- 
 pagne : no attack, or surprise, is apprehended ; 
 no frequent turning out of the guard ; no 
 necessity exists for the mind that rests not, 
 and the eye that never closes until the rehef. 
 Playing on the flute or guitar, back-gammon, 
 
 F 5
 
 106 THE GUABDS. 
 
 piquet, novels, newspapers, writing of billets 
 doux, street-lounging, and sauntering into li- 
 braries, billiards, and clubs, fill up the other- 
 wise tedious hours of the day. The Colonel 
 ushered our vounff friend into the Naval and 
 Military Magazine Library, where an intelli- 
 gent man may mingle the utile da lei, and 
 where an idle one may kill time and meet 
 good company, either reading for improvement, 
 skimming the fashionable articles of the morn- 
 ing papers, or procuring an Opera box. This 
 variety amused the youth for a while; after 
 which he joined his delicate-looking friend, 
 who led him to all the other time-consuming 
 places of elegant resort. 
 
 The dinner-hour was now approaching, and 
 the young exquisite met his complaining valet, 
 set himself a little to rights, and, as he found 
 that he had been doomed — 
 
 " To waste his sweetness on the desert air/' 
 
 he lowered the dose of perfume, and refilled
 
 THE GUARDS. 107 
 
 his snuff-box, which had been exhausted in the 
 morning. A packet of letters was brought to 
 him, but he had not time to read them : there 
 was, nevertheless, one from Emma: — ^his heart 
 beat ; but he might be too late for dinner, and 
 he already dreaded the Colonel's frown. The 
 stud-groom was in attendance to take orders 
 about bleeding and physicking some of his cattle, 
 and to report a purchase and a sale ; for he had 
 carte hlanclie in these matters, which he did not 
 conduct gratis. The restive horse which had 
 been put in harness a few days before, and 
 which required castigation, was reported unfit 
 for service (as many are) on account of temper. 
 He cost two hundred, being a beautiful ani- 
 mal ; but on Mr. Withers asking his master 
 what was to be done with him, the answer was, 
 " Sell him for what you can ; send him to the 
 devil, if you like." 
 
 This answer suited Mr. Withers to a hair : — 
 ^' And, Sir, I have bought a match for yuur 
 chesnuts.""
 
 108 THE GUARDS. 
 
 " That 's good r 
 
 " I gave a long price."" 
 
 ** I dare say you did ; but I have not time 
 to attend to such matters now." 
 
 (Valet de chambre.) '• Monsieur a-t-il plus 
 besoin de moi ?'^ 
 
 " Non, certainement." 
 
 (Exit Frenchman.) 
 
 " Oh ! on second thoughts, — Orderly, call 
 him back, — get me some money at Coutts's."*' 
 
 " Sair, de banque is shot; — c'est fermee il y 
 a long terns."" 
 
 " Why, then, run after Withers, and borrow 
 fifty pounds of him ; I may want it in the 
 
 evening." 
 
 No sooner said than done. Withers never 
 wanted money : the costly purse was pulled 
 out, Henry Hase was crammed into it, and 
 our Ensign appeared at dinner. The Colonel 
 gave him an encouraging smile ; he assumed his 
 place at table, took care not to be helped to
 
 THE GUARDS. 109 
 
 soup twice, which Sir Vapour Bain* says is bad 
 taste, merely picked a bit, praised nothing, 
 gave an insipid sourire at every thing, inter- 
 mingling all this detail with French words, 
 snufF-taking between the courses, and looking 
 at every object through the eyeglass :i- of this 
 he was cured in time, as of many other bad 
 habits. 
 
 After Colonel Leadon had drunk wine with 
 his young subaltern, he observed, " You are, I 
 
 * Sir Vapour was dining at a law lord's in Edinburgh, 
 and was placed next to him at table. On his lordship's 
 asking to be helped to soup a second time. Sir Vapour 
 observed, " It 's bad taste, my lord, to be helped twice 
 to any thing." The law lord looked at him for a mo- 
 ment, and replied, " Were you saying onny thing, 
 laddie ?" 
 
 t \\Tien a young fop first went to Trinity College, 
 Dublin, he passed by the Head of the College without 
 taking off his hat. "How long have you been here, 
 young man?" said the reverend Doctor. "A week," 
 replied the fellow commoner. " Oh, oh ! that 's very 
 well ; I thought so, for puppies never see until they are 
 nine days old.
 
 110 THE GUARDS. 
 
 believe, acquainted with Colonel San Feliz, a 
 Spanish officer ?" 
 
 " Why, yes, Colonel, I picked the poor fel- 
 low up at a watering-place : I believe he is a 
 mere aventurier, but he plays very well on the 
 guitar, and is as fond of smoking as myself: I 
 had him with me at Greenlaw Hall, and at 
 some other of our estates ; but he grew ennuy- 
 eux and monotone, and, upon drawing nearer to 
 the capital, I cut him and paid him off."" 
 
 " Young gentleman," said the Colonel, " you 
 surprise me much ; where did you receive your 
 education ? He is a brave man ; I served with 
 him, and I know him to be such. To treat a 
 poor gentleman with contempt does not bespeak 
 a generous mind. The next time you dine on 
 guard you probably may meet him as my 
 
 guest. 
 
 i> 
 
 " I should be most happy," replied the 
 young guardsman, with a blush upon his face. 
 
 At a late hour after dinner it was proposed 
 by a plurality of the officers to go for an hour
 
 THE GUARDS. Ill 
 
 to Crackpurse's, just to try their luck. The 
 Colonel shook his head, and retired. But they 
 were not to be dissuaded from their usutU 
 habits. 
 
 " A new hand may turn the tide of fortune 
 in our favour/' said the beau gar^on subaltern. 
 
 " Oh ! I assure you,*' answered Greenlaw, " I 
 am no new hand, no freshman, as we say at 
 college. I have won and lost large sums fre- 
 quently ; oftener the latter than the former. I 
 must allow, my losses were very considerable at 
 the Saloon in Paris, and they touched me to 
 the tune of twelve hundred at Frascati's. I 
 lost a great deal of loose gold in the Palais 
 Royal on a rainy Sunday ; and I won a 
 thousand pounds of a young Scot of the 
 Houssards : it is true he never paid me, but 
 c'est ecrale. He is one of those fellows who 
 pass for dupes or pigeons, but who are Greeks 
 at heart : his winnings he put in liis pocket, 
 and pleaded non-age against his gaming and 
 annuity debts. He has taxed his tailor's and
 
 112 * THE GUARDS. 
 
 coach-maker''s bills, compromised his jeweller's, 
 married a "wife with some money, and left the 
 army ; yet he fain would be considered as a 
 wild, extravagant, generous fellow, a reclaimed 
 rake and a retrieved prodigal. Scot"^ knows 
 well enough what he is about, and did so even 
 at school. His father only sent him to West- 
 minster and to Oxford, in order to form noble 
 and fashionable acquaintances, and to have an 
 entree to their families, where a wife or a place 
 under government might be obtained from 
 early habits of intimacy, or boasting of his 
 property in the North, which is about half what 
 he states it to be. It is, however, not every 
 wooed lady, who, like Lady Marintown, sends 
 down her man of business to survey her suitors 
 estate, before she ventures to tie the hymeneal 
 knot. But to return to Scot : nothing is now 
 so common, as for parents and sons to coalesce 
 
 * The name of Scot only applies to this gentleman's 
 country. The cavalry officers of the army of occupa- 
 tion last war, will easily guess his family name.
 
 THE GUARDS. 113 
 
 in their early plans at school and college, of 
 turning their residence there to account ; and 
 nothing more common than for fellows to 
 make a trade of the army, by getting into some 
 fashionable corps, with the view of rubbing 
 sleeves with nobility and riches, which they 
 also contrive to turn to account ; and after 
 remaining a few years in the regiment they 
 make a good thing of it, by selling out for half 
 as much again as they gave for their com- 
 missions, having made ten or more per cent, 
 for their purchase-money in the interim. — 
 Pretty soldiers these indeed ! I would not how- 
 ever advise them to try it on with us, (laying 
 great emphasis on the word,) or with the 
 polished Tenth. For my part, I detest such 
 fellows; indeed, I hate all fellows who make 
 any thing of any profession, — vile plebs ! But 
 let us go to Crackpurse-house, as you call 
 it ; I have a loose fifty pounds in my purse 
 that I don't care about ; it can neither do good 
 nor harm,— so here goes."
 
 114 THE GUARDS. 
 
 It is with the money which seems too little 
 to do any thing with, that mighty mischief is 
 made. An odd five pound, an odd sovereign, 
 (no disrespect to the new kings of Europe,) an 
 uneven sum arising from change — all these odd 
 pounds go for nothing with the possessor. 
 These odds and ends count not in the arith- 
 metic of a spendthrift ; they are estimated as 
 nothing in themselves, but considered as ca- 
 pable of winning a round sum in a lottery, or 
 any other game of hazard or speculative affair, 
 where the little is risked for a great stake, and 
 where the fractions amount to sums, and the 
 sums amount in a little time to diminution of 
 means, and which, going on, (to use a musical 
 term,) not crescendo, but diminuendo, leads to 
 ruin ; and as our hero said, " Here goes."
 
 THE GUARDS. 115 
 
 CHAPTER VI. 
 
 CRACKPUESE-HOUSE. 
 
 -" Vos exemplaria Grseca 
 
 Nocturaa versate manuj versate diurna." 
 
 HORAT. 
 
 There arc two ways of gaining knowledge, 
 by precept or experience : there are also two 
 motives for acquiring this knowledge ; namely, 
 either to imitate or reject, to accept or to 
 avoid. If a man passed by Lord Allvainly, or 
 the ex-king of the dandies, he would like to 
 know the name of his tailor, because each is 
 a well-dressed man ; but if he sat next to a 
 man in the pit of the Opera-house, or fol-
 
 116 
 
 THE GUARDS. 
 
 lowed liim down St. James"' s-street, with wrin- 
 kles all over the back of his tunic, and 
 the cuffs so ill-cut as to display his wrists, 
 he would like also to know the name of the 
 awkward performer, in order to avoid him. 
 Thus it is with greeks and greeking, gamesters 
 and gaming-houses : they ought to be known, 
 for the purpose of flying from their dangerous 
 temptations ; and as precept never does as much 
 for us as practice or experience, it is not so 
 unprofitable as may be imagined, to be an eye- 
 witness to the ruin of the gaming-table, pro- 
 vided that the scholar does not pay too dear 
 for the lesson ! We are now at Crackpurse's 
 — the period of this visit v/as previous to the 
 Coming down of the mansion, v/hen the ex- 
 terior was not remarkable for its style or ele- 
 gance : the new structure of this Greek temple 
 will, doubtless, be very magnificent, as there is 
 no lack of gold to finish it off in the first 
 form. We are told that Mr. Crackpurse, 
 who is a step higher than vulgar, i. e. wulgar^
 
 THE GUARDS. 117 
 
 was much puzzled as to the order of his archi- 
 tecture. At first he was for the I. O. Nian — on 
 account of the number of the I. O. U^s which 
 had gone towards its fabrication ; but his 
 dealer informed him that this would savour too 
 much of the shop. The Doric was next sug- 
 gested, and Mr. Crackpurse agreed to this, 
 but merely for the pillars of the door, from 
 which he supposed this order took its name ; 
 but Cerberus the porter, and Ambidexter the 
 groom-porter, each put in a word, and over- 
 ruled the proposal, when Crackpurse told them 
 to put what posteses they liked, except the Go- 
 thic, that being too like himself. The Com- 
 posite was at last agreed upon, and the order 
 is very appropriate ; the materials, or rather 
 materiel, which compose it, are of divers sub- 
 stances, and from a variety of pockets : the 
 gold of prodigality and folly ; the soft paper 
 of softer possessors ; the bonds which have 
 broken all the more binding ties and duties of 
 humanity ; together with the promissory notes
 
 118 
 
 THE GUARDS. 
 
 of some of the most promising youths of the 
 country, now blighted in the hour of prosperity, 
 and cut off from realising their brightest pros- 
 pects ! — there maybe some stray- pieces wrung 
 from speculative avarice, and others fallen from 
 brutal intoxication :* be that as it may, the 
 amalgame will make a rare edifice, which will 
 outstand the storming of those who have to 
 raise the wind for the purpose of shaking its 
 foundation. When the late Cooke, the able 
 actor, left Liverpool, where he had been hissed 
 for appearing in liquor on the stage, he put 
 his head out of his post-chaise, and thus made 
 his adieu : " Liverpool ! I leave you ; and you, 
 
 * Whilst on the suhject of intoxication, we cannot 
 help remembering a scene in a minor hell, a few years 
 ago. One of the punters was so drunk that he was trou- 
 blesome to every body present. An Irish waiter reported 
 this, and asked if the gentleman should not be turned 
 out. '' 'Faith, I do not know," said the hell-keeper : 
 " his money is as good as any one's else ; but, perhaps, 
 you had better take the sense of the meeting !" — 
 " Troth," said Pat, '^ I should have very little to take 
 that way ; I think I had better take the man out my- 
 self."
 
 THE GUARDS. 119 
 
 ye pampered purse-proud traders, I leave ye 
 too ! there vou are in your splendid mansions : 
 and there is not a brick in your houses that 
 has not been cemented by the blood of the 
 blacks I"*"* In like manner, perhaps, it may be 
 said, that there is not a pillar or pediment, an 
 architrave, or cornice, which has not been ce- 
 mented by tears of regret, and by those who, 
 giving credit to the gambler and dupe, have 
 indirectly contributed to the pile now in its 
 progress of erection. Having said thus for the 
 temple or theatre of Chance, a few words on 
 its dramatis personae. 
 
 " Who is that original, sitting on the right- 
 hand of the dealer.^"" inquired Herbert Green- 
 law of one of his brother-officers, who was an 
 habitue of the house. 
 
 " That is Lord Glenmuck, the son of a red- 
 headed bog-trotter, who had the luck to step 
 into a title and a fortune, which came to him 
 from a sixteenth cousin, a Catholic, and a ci- 
 devant officer in the French army. The old
 
 120 THE GUARDS. 
 
 man was a simpleton and a debauchSy but pro- 
 fessed a faith v/hich he did not practise; he 
 was very anxious to make a gentleman of his 
 heir, but never could succeed in any shape; 
 
 '* (For) when in spite of Nature's stubborn plan 
 He trod (life's) stage by way of gentleman,*' 
 
 he was quite out of his element ; but when he 
 had to swear at a waiter, mill a coachman, or 
 preside over the bottle, he was quite at home ! 
 The old Lord was, in his last days, very soli- 
 citous that the young man should adhere to 
 the creed of his forefathers : for of the aged 
 Peer it might be said with much truth, 
 that 
 
 " When the devil was sick, the devil a monk would be : 
 (But) When the devil got well, the devil a monk was he!" 
 
 Nevertheless, young hopeful changed his reli- 
 gion for the love of the lucre of gain : he 
 married a wife of very gentlemanly habits, such 
 as swearing, driving, and drinking; but she 
 had also female habits which were very liberal,
 
 THE GUARDS. 121 
 
 free, and easy, but which did not tend to pro- 
 mote la paix du menage His Lordship, whom 
 
 you see, is the worthy descendant of that 
 honourable and happy couple : which parent he 
 takes most after it, is difficult to ascertain, but 
 some think that he has all the qualities of both, 
 to which he superadds a very fertile invention. 
 He is no common-place plodding matter-of-fact 
 man^ but a fellow of a brilliant invention, and 
 a great economist of truth, which he respects 
 so much that he never makes use of it but on 
 emercrencies, when he cannot do otherwise. Mv 
 lord is a great friend to this house, and this lower 
 house suits him far better than the upper one. 
 
 '* The next person to him is Lord Dor- 
 mouse, so called from his insipid quiet habits : 
 he is a fixture here, and ought be taken with 
 the house, if it were to be disposed of. Crack- 
 purse is very fond of the Lords and Gemmen 
 of high name who honour his board with 
 their presence, as a support to the concern, and 
 as loadstones to vain and foolish youths, who 
 
 VOL. I. G
 
 122 THE GUARDS. 
 
 lose their money with more pleasure amongst 
 titles, than in company with humble commoners 
 and folks in business/' 
 
 " Rouge gagne la conhur^^' was now accented. 
 " Stop !'"* lisped out a dandy, " put this 
 twenty on the black ; red cannot go for ever."" 
 
 "And I say red for ever T whispered the 
 sickly boy of an Ensign ; " I will support the 
 cloth." 
 
 " Here goes the fifty at once/* said youngs 
 Greenlaw, " for the sake of the colour."" 
 
 Luck changed, and the black ran eleven 
 times ; it was, as Mr. Hugh Bull termed it, 
 " the Devil's own martingale."" With respect 
 to Mr. Hugh Bull, we do not know a man 
 who has been more misrepresented, or unjustly 
 ridiculed. He had a large fortune, and was 
 extravagant in the use of it; and pray is he 
 singular in this ? He was very much liked in 
 his regiment. He married a lady from off the 
 stage ; and pray have not Lord C. and Lord 
 D., Lord W. L. and Lord T., and almost all
 
 THE GUARDS. 123 
 
 the Lords in the alphabet, done the same ? 
 Moreover, his lady is beautiful, attractive, and 
 virtuous, beyond the power of scandal to im- 
 peach her in the least degree. ]^Ir. Hugh 
 Bull is fond of notoriety, and has purchased 
 a princely country-house, where his hospitality 
 is thrown away upon ingrates. Now, as for 
 his wife''s being the natural daughter of the 
 Earl of Drum, and as to all the bad French 
 which is put in Mr. Hugh Bull's mouth, there 
 is not a word of truth in either; the one is 
 a base " on dit,''^ and the other, one of the 
 bad jokes of " The Age." Mr. Hugh Bull is a 
 good fellow ; we know it, and we wish he would 
 never go to Crackpurse House again. After 
 the loss of the fifty pound, the young Guards- 
 man tendered a draft on his banker for another 
 fifty, which was cashed instanter : he received 
 the amount in gold, and played by ten pound 
 stakes at a time, which all vanished by the 
 Devil's own martingale. The puny-looking En- 
 sign put on a sovereign at a time, and had the 
 
 G %
 
 124 THE GUARDS. 
 
 pleasure of seeing them ladled away one 
 after another, as many another spooney had 
 before him. The beau gar^on was out one hun- 
 dred. Young Greenlaw gave a second and a 
 third draft for fifty pounds, and then swore 
 he would play no more that night, merely 
 because it was growing too late, and that he 
 should have the head-ache at guard-relieving. 
 He was half out of the room-door, when he was 
 called back, and told that he had forgotten his 
 last, a five-pound stake, which had won : and a 
 five-pound note was held out to him, together 
 with his five pieces of gold. He walked back 
 to the table slowly, and as if reluctantly, with 
 the most refined indifference ; and as he was 
 inserting the coin, he dropped the paper cur- 
 rency (yclept the rag, by radical democrat 
 Cobbet), and turning from it said, " Let it lie, 
 it is not worth stooping for ; give it to some of 
 the gens cle la maiaon.''^ At the words " let it 
 lie,'''' Lord Glenmuck's eyes flashed with admira- 
 tion at such noble conduct ; Lord Dormouse
 
 THE GUARDS. 125 
 
 could not believe his optics ; Crackpurse grin- 
 ned admiration, and the rest of the party 
 looked as if they thought that the youth was 
 a fool. 
 
 " Each gazed on other, none the silence broke," 
 Till rising up the mighty Crackpurse spoke ; 
 
 and he spoke thus : '' That is a gemman, as 
 fine a youth as ever my eyes did see. What 
 grace ! what ^elegance ! what a magnanimous 
 contempt for money ! I hope he will come 
 here often ; so I '11 f oiler him down stairs and 
 show him every attention in my power." 
 
 He did so, offered him refreshment, hoped 
 for the honour of seeing him again, v/as most 
 proud of his ivisit : to all which, and much 
 more, our hero (greatly delighted at what he 
 had partly overheard) replied, " Thank you, 
 Mr. Crackpurse, I certainly shall come again ; 
 it is a very fair lounge when one is on guard, 
 it is a good place to meet one''s acq uaintance ; 
 I'll certainly patronize your house, and be a 
 member of the concern. Good night to you f
 
 126 THE GUARDS. 
 
 — the sun had nevertheless risen. On his way 
 to the Guard-house, he inquired respecting the 
 other visitors to the infernal regions ; amongst 
 the most prominent of whom were Lords Clan- 
 erin and Hoax. These noblemen were repre- 
 sented to be patrician Corinthians, regular ama- 
 teurs, and proficient in their art : opinion, 
 however, was divided on this point, and it 
 was roundly asserted by the puny Ensign, that 
 Lord Hoax had no harm in him, that he 
 merely played for diversion, and, if he ever 
 .had hoaxed any one, it was a fair give and 
 take, for that he had been had in his turn. 
 As to the other peer, he has been so much in 
 print at different times, that it is not fair to 
 say any thing about him. It is likewise said 
 that Dick Donkeylove, the humane member 
 for the county of Blarney, in Paddy's Land, 
 has some heavy charges against the noble 
 Lord: — time will show. A young Rum-pun- 
 cheon once came in his way, which he drained 
 a little ; but the Transatlantic spooney showed 
 
 4 
 
 •
 
 THE GUARDS. 127 
 
 a great deal of cunning afterwards, and does 
 not seem willing to pay for keeping company 
 with his superiors. The rest of the gaming 
 group was made up of flats from the West 
 end of the town, of fortune or credit ; more 
 officers of the Gardes off duty ; togetiier with 
 ways-and-means men, confederates, decoys, 
 make-weights, and idlers ; whose losses, al- 
 though comparatively small, make from their 
 number united what would keep up a most 
 expensive establishment, without taking into 
 consideration the immense hauls of gold and 
 silver fish which fall into the net of Piscator 
 Crackpurse. 
 
 The morning advanced ; the usual pomp and 
 circumstance of war took place : the Guards 
 appeared glittering as usual on parade, with 
 that vertical lace on their undress uniform 
 which distinguislies them from other corps ; 
 and with that townish and tonish air which 
 belongs to them alone, — not forgetting the 
 long coat, more seemly by half than a regi-
 
 128 THE GUARDS. 
 
 mental jacket. The Guards were soon reliev- 
 ed ; whilst the Life Guards bore their share 
 of military pride and glory through the Mall 
 and in front of Whitehall, the sun glittering 
 on their cuirasses, and their gay plumage 
 floating in the breeze. They had at their head 
 a certain Lord, the son of one of high military 
 talent and renown ; whether it may be said of 
 him in that respect. 
 
 (e 
 
 Sequiturque patrem non passibus sequis,'* 
 
 we know not ; but we suspect that he has a 
 great deal of ground to go over, all bold and 
 dashing as he is. He has to fight his way to 
 the laurel-wreath ; to get rid of one connexion, 
 and to be doublj/ noosed by another ; he has to 
 lull his temper ; to lose a limb and a rib ; to de- 
 clare himself hostile to a whole nation in time of 
 peace. But such are the movements, military 
 and conjugal, in high life, where we see the 
 changes, promotions, the retirings upon full or
 
 THE GUARDS. 129 
 
 half-pay, together uith the disfnissals from the 
 service, as frequent and as httle thought of as 
 the Gazette, which interests nobody but the 
 parties concerned, — and very much concerned 
 some of them are. Still going on with wedlock 
 like a Gazette, how many are there neither on 
 half-pay nor full-pay, but unattached! How 
 many situations are done by deputy ! What 
 astonishing increases and } eductions take place 
 in Fashion's corps ! A Matrimonial Gazette 
 would be a most interesting thing ; it would set 
 the hymeneal corps all on the " qui vive r 
 would give activity to supineness, and quies- 
 cence to some of our too active female citizens; 
 it would call drones into attention, — a military 
 caution which we request them to receive with 
 docihty ; and, finally, it might perhaps abridge 
 the officious occupation of reporters in public 
 and private, in the Senate and in the Courts of 
 Justice, which once were formed to detect crime 
 and to intimidate offenders, but which noAv 
 
 G O
 
 130 ^ THE GUARDS. 
 
 have turned into an amusement to the idle, and 
 a resource to those who can amplify details, 
 and shed a degree of fun and humour over de- 
 linquency, — that the wretch may suffer doubly, 
 and the reporter may gain a daily meal.
 
 THE GUAllDS. 131 
 
 CHAPTER VII. 
 
 OFF GUARD. 
 
 '^ Tired with the toil of having nought to do." 
 
 When the guard was relieved, the young 
 Ensign retired to rest. He had a host of ser- 
 vants, artists, and tradesmen, waiting for him, 
 but they were all put oif until the next day : 
 his orders to his valet de chambre were, to be 
 called at three ; to the stable department his 
 directions were, to give his score of quadrupeds 
 an airing, except a pair of curricle-horses, and 
 a pair to follow, which were to be in attend-
 
 13S THE GUARDS. 
 
 ance precisely at four, for a morning drive ; 
 and a footman was despatched to his friend 
 Bramblewood, to appoint half-past four to 
 take him up at his lodgings. This young 
 man had been the companion of his youth, 
 his countryman^ and a relation : moreover, 
 he knew the secret of his heart — and that 
 heart, in spite of the dissipation into which 
 he was plunged, required to be disburdened. 
 Pleasure distracts, but it fills not the heart 
 or mind : there was no solid satisfaction in 
 all the expensive outgoings, and the life of 
 vanity which he was pursuing : by it he 
 had as yet reaped no benefit, had made no 
 friends, nor even obtained the fame which 
 he anticipated; this, however, he had still in 
 view, and he was resolved to obtain it, cost 
 what it might. With these reflections, and 
 a heated brain, he dropped asleep, and was 
 called according to his orders. After an in- 
 sipid breakfast, and a lengthy toilette, he was 
 ready precisely at five, for what he called his
 
 THE GUARDS. 133 
 
 morning airing. He could not decently go out 
 sooner, because, otherwise, his carriage would 
 not have been lono; enouf^h in -waitins: ; two 
 hours form the usual time for these operations ; 
 nothing so vulgar as to be ready when the 
 carriage drives up to the door. This is, in the 
 first place, spoiling servants, for they must learn 
 patience ; and secondly, what is worse again, 
 it is depriving the neighbours and passers-by 
 of the opportunity of admiring a stylish turn- 
 out, and of inquiring whose new carriage and 
 fine horses are those ? and thereby losing one 
 of the finest opportunities of gaining notoriety 
 and celebrity : besides, if you have a call to 
 make on a less dashing friend than self, who, 
 not keeping a long list of equipages, accepts 
 a seat, he must inevitably be kept in expec- 
 tation some time, in order to attach a proper 
 value to the favour done. 
 
 At five minutes past five our hero mounted 
 his curricle, and took up his friend. He drove 
 straight for Hyde Park, and on the way nodded
 
 134 - THE GUARDS. 
 
 to a dozen of friends, who had shared, not the 
 pure hospitaUty, but the lavish expenditure, 
 form, pomp, and ceremony, of Greenlaw-Hall : 
 for, although the good squire would have kept 
 up all the hospitable usages, warm welcome, 
 good neighbourship, and generous charity of 
 the olden times, my lady was too magnifique 
 for such coarse fare ; and her balls, private 
 theatricals, and above all, her three months' 
 residence in town, found ways and means of 
 expending every shilling of her husband's rent- 
 roll, and of docking and narrowing the fund 
 which ought to have been destined for the 
 indigent, and which great people ought to 
 remember they only hold in trust for that 
 purpose : but where Fashion usurps her tyrant 
 sway, where emulative and ambitious pride 
 consumes the heart, the rivalry which they 
 create amongst beings of the same cast and 
 weakness, produces nothing but sumptuous 
 misery, and the unavailing waste of property. 
 He also had the satisfaction of pulling up by
 
 THE GUARDS. 135 
 
 the side of three Countesses' landau, vis-a-vis, 
 and barouche; and of being greeted ^vith5 
 " I saw you yesterday on Garde ; I shall send 
 you a card of invitation for my weekly soirees ; 
 or, I hope we shall see you at the Opera — my 
 box is number — , on such a tier.'' De- 
 hghtful sounds ! ! ! Delectable Gardes I Dear 
 London life ! Never did young French mi- 
 litary novice (and none are vainer than the 
 French) see himself in female favour, and 
 hum more contentedly to himself, 
 
 '' Je suis militaire, c'est un bel etat," 
 
 than this youth, at this his outset in the army, 
 and in the arena of beaux contending for the 
 prize of excellence. 
 
 After an hour's drive, Herbert quitted the 
 curricle, leaving it at the door of a Club- 
 house, of which he had just been admitted a 
 member ; and prevailed on his friend to accom- 
 pany him in trying the new horse which Mr. 
 Withers had purchased for him : this was a
 
 136 
 
 THE GUARDS. 
 
 second exhibition. Withers had come with the 
 new horse, but, as he was far above riding or 
 leading him about in waiting, a groom was 
 despatched on foot for this purpose, whilst 
 another had the charge of a led horse for his 
 master's riding companion, and was mounted on 
 the most expensive horse of the three ; namely, 
 a hunter, bought for seven hundred sovereigns 
 out of the Leicestershire hunt. The eiFect of 
 the three grooms touching their hats simul- 
 taneously to the young Guardsman, as well as 
 the like oheissance from him who received the 
 reins from master, was very fine, master being 
 at that time a caricature of fashion. The art 
 of Cruickshanks and Stubbs might have been 
 worthily employed here ; and a few beautiful 
 spaniels, and one bull-terrier, would have filled 
 up the back-ground with much effect.* We 
 must, at the same time, do our hero the justice 
 to say, that when he had been one month in 
 
 * Eight hundred pounds worth of horse-flesh was 
 here upon the pavee.
 
 THE GIJAKDS. 137 
 
 his regiment, the outix style of his dress, and 
 the //j//)e7'-coxc'omical manner of his high bear- 
 ing, disappeared ; he was quite giiardish in 
 both ; a better style he could not have found. 
 
 At this moment a powerful rival, in an im- 
 becile old man, passed him by, a thing alone, in 
 a curricle with two out-riders, closely followed 
 by his lady (and she was such by birth) in her 
 chariot, with two footmen behind ; both of which 
 vehicles had been perceived by the two young 
 friends, issuing in immediate succession from the 
 rus in urbem residence of this veteran in pomp 
 and frivolity. Herbert Greenlaw mistook him 
 for a duke or an earl, but was much surprised 
 at finding, on inquiry, that he was a simple 
 Knight, and a simpler M. P. ; and that, when 
 travelling, he had a habit of being the pre- 
 cursor of his own estabhshment, consisting of 
 carriage and six horses, voiture de suite, liveried 
 cavalry, etc , etc., and would inform the as- 
 tounded turnpike-man that such a cavalcade 
 was on the road, and that it belonged to him ;
 
 138 THE GUARDS. 
 
 paying toll at the same time as an excuse for 
 this act of vanity. This haughty old body is 
 in age, what another simple Knight and M.P. 
 was in youth, and is in riper years ; his name 
 bespeaks a want of suavity ; and each of them 
 has that blot in his escutcheon, which would 
 exempt them from hereditary honours and he- 
 raldic quarterings. 
 
 From trying the new horse, the youths look- 
 ed in at Tattersal's to learn how bets were 
 going : they also called in Portman Square, to 
 procure a ready-furnished house for the season 
 — nothing being so unfashionable as to save 
 money by inhabiting the family town-house, 
 which indeed became impracticable, from the 
 number of reception-apartments, which had 
 not, left room for a second establishment. From 
 Portman Square they cantered to the Naval 
 and Military Magazine Office, observing that 
 Lady Lydia Languish usually went there about 
 six o'clock, on her way home to dress, either 
 to get an Opera box for some friend, or to
 
 THE GUARDS. 139 
 
 procure a novel to be read at the breakfast- 
 table. He was just in time to hand her out 
 of her carriage, and to insist upon putting 
 Vivian Grey and Almack's upon the vacant 
 front seat. Her Ladyship was attended by a 
 prottgee, whose situation of dependence was evi- 
 dent by the precedence and other acts of hu- 
 mility demonstrated by the young lady, who, 
 unfortunately for her patroness, was the hand- 
 somest of the two. Her arm was bestowed on 
 Ensign Bramblewood, who played second fiddle 
 with his friend, and who was nothing loth to 
 show her every politeness in his power. These 
 civilities produced an invitation for an At Home, 
 and a select supper after the French play ; and 
 young Greenlaw did not fail to point out to 
 his friend the advantage which he derived from 
 having accompanied him in his matutine en- 
 gagements. 
 
 It was now growing dark, although half the 
 task of pleasure had not been pei'formed. He 
 had appointed an hour for having his miniature
 
 140 THE GUARDS. 
 
 taken in uniform, for his dear mamma, — the ar- 
 tist must be disappointed : he had three visits 
 forgotten, — an empty carriage could accomplish 
 this, after setting him down at dinner : he had 
 made a match at tennis P. P. — money would 
 get off that : letters to write, — too great a bore 
 to be attended to : and an engagement lo dinner 
 at his relation the Bishop's, which he did not 
 relish, — this could be got over by a bounce : 
 Bramblewood could write an excuse whilst his 
 friend was getting his hair curled : " a violent 
 cold caught on guard" — excellent ! and the valet 
 de chamhre, who could lie like un arracheur de 
 dents, would make a probable story of it ; and, 
 as his Lordship and family did not frequent 
 the open temples of voluptuousness and dissi- 
 pation, nor spend the early hours of the morn- 
 ing, before and at sunrise, in dancing, card- 
 playing, and fluttering about, there was no fear 
 of the mendacious apology's being detected. 
 The Bishop and the beau moved in different 
 spheres : that of the former was most unat-
 
 THE GUARDS, 141 
 
 tractive to the latter : he, notwithstanding, did 
 condescend to dine once with his Lordship ; 
 but he assured his friends at the Opera and 
 at Almack's, that there was nothing in the 
 Bishop's house, except his venison, which had 
 le gout de revenez-y. 
 
 Instead of complying with his engagement 
 to the Bishop, young Greenlaw prevailed upon 
 his companion to put off his by an equally 
 truth-telling excuse, (so does example corrupt !) 
 He was to assert that he was obliged to set 
 off for the country to visit a sick relative : 
 which left him at liberty to accompany his 
 friend to Long^s Hotel, at half-past eight, and 
 gave them time for dress ; whereas the Bishop's 
 hour was six precisely : *' and,"" as young Green- 
 law said, " away with every thing formal and 
 precise, orderly, stupid, and family-like ! "*'' At 
 Long's our hero had a debt to pay, which 
 he lost on a race ; and he had likewise to pick 
 up the chit-chat of the day : here he met with 
 a rare set of thorough-going fellows, and, for
 
 142 THE GUARDS. 
 
 the first time in his hfe, learned completely to 
 spurn sensibility, and to laugh at the miseries of 
 mankind. Sir Charles Callousheart read out 
 aloud, pro bono publico^ a letter from his tailor 
 in the Fleet Prison, who laid his ruin to the 
 account of the worth}/ Baronet. The epistle 
 was laughed at by all, who agreed that to ruin 
 a gross of tailors was good sport, observing, 
 
 " D- me ! they would ruin us, if we paid 
 
 them ; besides, they have a bankruptcy as a 
 remedy." (Sir Charles had been liberated by 
 the Insolvent Act.) 
 
 An Exquisite of the Tenth here produced 
 what he called a begging letter from a quon- 
 dam intimate, to whose destruction he had 
 largely contributed. 
 
 " And do you mean to lend him the twenty 
 pieces .?''* said Sir Charles. 
 
 " De-ci-ded-ly not," replied he ; " an infernal 
 fool ! to live amongst men who had larger 
 properties than himself. What are a few dirty 
 acres of Maidenham Abbey, an old ruin of a
 
 THE GUARDS. 14S 
 
 house, and about four hundred per annum? 
 why a mere breakfast in high life. Why don*'t 
 he go abroad and hve upon his wits, as others 
 
 do r 
 
 Bramblewood was disgusted at this ; but it 
 was for a moment new and entertaining to 
 Fashion's recruit; and might perhaps have 
 produced the most poisonous effect, had not 
 Colonel Leadon warned him on a field-day, 
 that Sir Charles was a marked man, and not 
 fit for his society. 
 
 At twelve the new carriage was announced, 
 to take the couple to Lady Lydia's : but 
 Greenlaw thought he could improve his ap- 
 pearance, and, after a third toilette, made his 
 entree at one A. M. Her Ladyship's was one 
 of those meetings where nothing is proposed 
 except a place in fashionable engagements in 
 the newspapers, a crowd of names, and the 
 underplot part of the piece of Match-making. 
 
 Her Ladyship was a widow, and, as her 
 dowry was nearly annuitized away, she was
 
 144 THK GUAllDS. 
 
 hanging-out for a partner and a treasury in 
 one and the same person. Her Ladyship had 
 cast her eye on the young Guardsman, and 
 her fair companion felt not insensible to the 
 amiability of his comrade; the doux inttiet 
 which each inspired made the soiree pass off 
 most agreeably. 
 
 The supper exhibited much taste, and the 
 vocal powers of professional people beguiled the 
 fleeting hours : these accomplished songsters 
 were warbling wdthin, whilst the feathered 
 tribes were carolling without to welcome the 
 sun in his bright passage from the east. What 
 particularly delighted young Greenlaw was his 
 having the place of preference at her Lady- 
 ship''s board : she had so contrived the matter 
 as to allow the departure of the crowd, 
 and with it the list of superior titles, so that 
 the favoured youth' could enjoy the premiere 
 place without offending jealous nobility. There 
 was but one Baronet and an honourable Com- 
 moner present : the former was Vami de la
 
 THE GUARDS. 145 
 
 maisoii, and did the honours at the foot of 
 the table ; the latter was more than recom- 
 pensed for his distance from the lady of the 
 house by being placed next to Lady Labradore, 
 at the altar of whose vanity he was burning the 
 grateful incense of flattery, and in whose cap- 
 tivated ear he was pouring the sweet oil of 
 acceptable compliments, Maria, the compa- 
 nion, considered that she had made a conquest ; 
 so that there were three happy couples at the 
 supper-table : — the others might have been 
 sent to Coventry, for what Lad}^ Lydia cared. 
 Now, being sent to Coventry is next to being 
 sent to Heli,* (such a one as Mr. Crackpurse's, 
 we mean,) for ruin dwells with each name. 
 
 At broad daylight the party broke up ; Lady 
 Lydia gave a friendly pressure of the palm of 
 her lily hand to that of h jeune militaire, and, 
 as Shakspeare says — 
 
 * Our polished readers cannot suspect us of any other 
 meaning : like a quality preacher, we 
 
 " Never mention hell to ears polite ;" 
 
 — i. e. what the Frenchman would call 'Ue veritable." 
 VOL. I. H
 
 146 THE GUARDS. 
 
 *' Palm to palm is holy palmer's kiss." 
 
 Maria looked what words cannot tell ; and 
 upon that look the more sensible and sensitive 
 youth lived for a week. 
 
 The friends returned to their respective 
 homes; the hyper- fashionable worn out with 
 fatigue, the more moderate being so infected 
 l)y Love's treasured poison that he passed a 
 sleepless morning. 
 
 The last words of her Ladyship to her 
 beau were, " You wonH forget this day week ; 
 and of course you will be at Miss Paton's 
 benefit, and let me take you to the Countess 
 San Florenzo's ball and concert to-morrow 
 night :" all of which he accepted. 
 
 Maria only accented, in a dulcet tone, " I 
 hope we shall see you soon again ?" — the 
 answer to which was, " Until then I shall be 
 miserable ; but I shall look for you in the Park 
 at four o'clock."" 
 
 And whilst we are talking of last words after 
 a splendid party, we must chronicle those of the
 
 THE GUARDS. 147 
 
 hero of the piece. " Do you not think," said he, 
 yawning at the same time, " that I have made 
 a certain impression on the widow? What do 
 you think of her ?" 
 
 " Why,**" rephed the friend, " she is no w 
 a second Dido ! and we may say with Virgil, 
 
 t( 
 
 At Regina gravi jamdudum saucia cura, 
 Vulnus alit venis et caeco carpitur igni.' " 
 
 Bramblewood was an excellent scholar, "and 
 had not forgotten his classics ; but his friend 
 had turned his back upon Homer and So- 
 phocles, Ovid, Virgil, Horace, and Juvenal, to 
 get into what he considered better and more 
 companionable society, and had substituted 
 Rousseau and Voltaire, Pigault le Brun, Les 
 Liaisons Dangereuses, the last Peerage, and 
 the Racing Calendar, to these old-fashioned 
 gentlemen ; so that he did not understand one 
 word of the quotation ; and not liking to show 
 his ignorance, made no rejoinder but a nod of 
 the head, and ^' Adieu, mon ami.'^ With respect 
 
 H 2
 
 148 THE GUARDS. 
 
 to the " Gravi saucia cura,"" it might, for aught 
 he knew, be something about the rich gravy 
 and sauces of the banquet ; and the " Vulnus 
 alit venis"' referred, doubtless, to some article 
 which vain is ! However, the matter was not 
 worth inquiring into. 
 
 The sitting-up porter, as well as our Exqui- 
 site's first tall footman, cursed late hours, and 
 those who kept them : the latter wished the 
 valet de chambre back to his own country, for 
 being indulged in absenting himself after the 
 evening dressing- time ; and the janitor sought 
 his couch sulkily, and thinking how hard his lot 
 is, who has to wait upon the votaries of plea- 
 sure and the followers of Fashion's gilded car. 
 We have for a long time forgotten home, the 
 country, fair Emma, and the tale connected 
 with our hero's history ; fashionable parties and 
 the movements of the Guards naturally pro- 
 duce the oblivion of humbler subjects ; — and 
 when we talk of the movements (or motions of 
 the Guards), we mean not the common rotation
 
 THE GUARDS. 149 
 
 of duty, the exchange of quarters, (a thing, how- 
 ever, sometimes momentous to officers and pri- 
 vates and la terreur des maris ,•) not the marching 
 of one battalion from Knis^htsbridse Barracks 
 to Portman-street, and of another from Port- 
 man-street to the King's Mews, and of a third 
 from thence to be quartered in Westminster ; 
 but of the fashionable pursuits of the corps, 
 their evolutions in high life, success, promo- 
 tion, and advancement in all shapes, from 
 winning a bet or a race on the turf or the 
 water, to their having foreign governments and 
 commands abroad, and marrying titles and 
 heiresses at home : — but having made this di- 
 gression, we will return to order and our duty 
 in the very next chapter.
 
 150 THE GUARDS. 
 
 CHAPTER VIII. 
 
 A DREAM, EMMA, AND A CONVERSATION. 
 
 " Am I not thine — thy own loved bride — 
 The one, the chosen one, whose place 
 In life or death is by thy side ? 
 Think'st thou that she, whose only light 
 In this dim world from thee hath shone. 
 Could bear the long, the cheerless night. 
 That must be her's when thou art gone ? 
 That I can live, and let thee go. 
 Who art my life itself ? — no, no ! 
 WTien the stem dies, the leaf that grew 
 Out of its heart must perish too ! 
 
 Moore. 
 
 Such were the accents which Emma seemed 
 to address to her lover in a dream, from which 
 he awoke pale, agitated, and inflamed: he 
 thrice looked up at the faint hght, scarcely
 
 THE GUARDS. 151 
 
 convinced that the night had passed away, and 
 that another day was added to the chain of 
 years, each link of which forms the diurnal 
 expenditure of time, and of which he might 
 say, if he accounted with himself, " Diem'perdidi 
 — I have lost a day !" 
 
 It is wonderful indeed how few can be set 
 down otherwise in pleasurable life ; for, if we 
 take hours from days, we perhaps do not live 
 out above seven or eight days in the month. 
 We remember an old man, whom we deemed 
 very severe at the time, making this diary for 
 a fashionable youth of his acquaintance : — 
 
 " One stupid hour in the morning, to think 
 about getting up, being weak, weary, exhaust- 
 ed, and disappointed, by the insipid pleasures 
 of the preceding night ; two hours to dress ; 
 one hour to breakfast and pule over the news- 
 paper ; two hours for exercise ; two more for 
 second toilette ; eight hours for the banquet 
 and public places ; eight for disturbed rest, or 
 perhaps for the stupor of intoxication."
 
 152 THE GUARDS. 
 
 How much of rational life is here ? — But to 
 return to young Greenlaw. He looked round 
 and rubbed his eyes ; and asked himself if this 
 were a dream indeed, or a reality? The ten- 
 derness, yet energy of the words ; the soft 
 cadence with which they fell upon his ima- 
 gination; the charm which they instilled into 
 his breast, like vernal flowers dropping sweet 
 odours ; the truth which these hues conveyed 
 when attributed to faithful and fond, modest 
 and mild Emma ; all combined in making him 
 doubt the evidence of his senses, and led him 
 to commune with his reason, and to ask whether 
 her light directed or deceived him ? The sound 
 still echoed in his ear ; it was just day-break : 
 modest Aurora, with blushing cheek, like an 
 attendant maiden on her lord, ushered in the 
 Orb of Day ! that potent luminary which calls 
 into existence the feathered songsters, and wins 
 the violet and the rose to open their young 
 bosoms to his embrace, and bloom in gratitude 
 for his life-giving charm. It was morn, but not
 
 THE GUAEDS. 153 
 
 late enouorh to awaken the domestics of the 
 hotel : he turned first on one side and then 
 on the other, like Achilles after the death of 
 his second-self, Patroclus, — 
 
 " Now prone, and now supine, behold him lay : 
 Now shift his side, impatient of the day." 
 
 He fell asleep again ; but in a short time 
 started and awoke a second time : he thought 
 he saw her to whom he had plighted his boyish 
 love — her who had grown with his increasing 
 years, as the ivy steals on her loving life with 
 the protective oak or humbler elm, ready to 
 brave the storm, and share the summer- tide 
 alike with him — her who had never changed, 
 although he neglected her in the season of his 
 ripening, and gave to pride and fashion those 
 hours which might have been devoted to social 
 happiness and pure attachment. Her elastic 
 form appeared to approach him ; but upon 
 extending his arms towards it, it vanished ! 
 
 "Par leWbus ventis, volucrique simillima somno." 
 
 h5
 
 154 THE GUARDS. 
 
 It was now broad day, and he rang his bell 
 violently. Monsieur de la France answered the 
 summons, with '* Me voila, Monsieur ; mais il 
 71 est que Jiuit heures: J'espere que Monsieur 
 n'est pas malade.'''' 
 
 '' Pas absolument : maisje ne me portepas trop 
 
 hieniyai eu une mauvaise nuit, et un reve ." 
 
 Here he broke off, and then added, " Donnez 
 moi ma robe de chambre — -je prendrais un 
 bain.'" 
 
 The loquacious Frenchman was just begin- 
 ning to descant on the effect of dreams, when 
 his master, complaining of the head-ache, dressed 
 himself a la hate, sent for a hackney-coach, 
 and took a warm bath. He returned somewhat 
 refreshed, but could eat no breakfast. Pomp, 
 pride, and vanity, fashion and flirtation, could 
 do nothing for him now ; his only resource was 
 to send for his friend Bramblewood, and to so- 
 lace himself by conversing about her who was 
 the cause of his present melancholy and self- 
 upbraiding. This young man was one of the
 
 THE GUARDS. loo 
 
 few who can lead a London life without a con- 
 tamination of principle — who can keep company 
 of the most elegant and pohshed manners in 
 high and costly life (and nowhere could he 
 meet with such more genuine than in the 
 Guards), without diminishing his small pro- 
 perty, cr failing in performing any of his ho- 
 nourable engagements. He kept up no esta- 
 blishment, had only a pair of riding-horses, 
 a groom, a soldier of his regiment as his body- 
 servant, and a genteel lodging ; yet was he 
 everywhere invited, everywhere welcome ; no- 
 where did he visit but in the first company. 
 He was very popular in his regiment, amiable 
 vet independent in his manners, and, amidst 
 the bustle of a to^^TJ-life, he still found time 
 for reading and improving his mind : all these 
 things may be and are done in the Guards, 
 although Fashion woos and wins so many of 
 the youth of the corps. And here it is but 
 justice to acknowledge the distinguished ser- 
 vices of so many officers of the Brigade, from 
 
 \
 
 156 THE GUARDS. 
 
 the earliest history of the corps to the present 
 era ; to chronicle the names of the Clintons, 
 a Huntiy, a Smollet, and numerous others ; 
 and to bestow the merited meed of praise on 
 Sir Herbert Taylor ; who was to the illustrious 
 regretted Prince what Le Clerc was to Buona- 
 parte, (who called him " Mon bras droit,'') — 
 the right arm and benevolent heart which ad- 
 ministered the royal and fatherly munificence 
 of his beloved commander, — who stimulated 
 and gloried in the magnanimous deeds of his 
 patron and commanding officer — that noble 
 veteran who delighted in the name of Guards- 
 man ; witness his truly soldierlike, British, and 
 princely letter to the Brigade on foreign ser- 
 vice. 
 
 When Bramble wood obeyed the call of 
 friendship, he found young Greenlaw in a state 
 of great dejection ; to alleviate which, the for- 
 mer proposed that the latter should order his 
 light mail, and drive the dashing four-in-hand, 
 not up and down London streets, but ten miles
 
 THE GUARDS. 157 
 
 an end, to contemplate for once Nature and 
 the country, and to breathe pure air and fresh 
 vegetation. The proposal was agreed to, and 
 speedily carried into effect : the direction of 
 the banks of the Thames was pitched upon for 
 the drive, and the Exquisite Greenlaw, for the 
 first time in his life, took an early and simple 
 dinner; after which his lamps were lighted, 
 and he returned to dress for an evening party. 
 The conversation naturally turned on Emma 
 the whole of the day. He who had been a 
 lover in the days of nature and simplicity, ere 
 a fond but vain, and (in that point) criminal, 
 mother had excited his ambition and vanity to 
 its present fever, opened his mind to his com- 
 rade and relative. 
 
 " What shall I do with regard to Emma?" 
 said he : " she is young ; she is handsome and 
 innocent ; we have regarded each other from 
 childhood ; I am in a manner (he almost swal- 
 lowed the word) betrothed to her : yet you 
 see, my dear fellow, such a match is wholly
 
 158 THE GUAEDS. 
 
 incompatible with my mother''s views, and, in- 
 deed, with my own.'' (Bramblewood was about 
 to speak.) " I know what you are going to 
 say : I am rich, and want not a wife for 
 the sake of her fortune : — true ; but then family 
 connexion ; a bride in high life ; a title which 
 might in time ennoble the male side of the 
 house, and lead not only to a seat in Parlia- 
 ment, but to the Baronetage. There is a 
 dormant one in my mother's family, and if 
 we could prove that it went in the female 
 line, we should be all right. T must marry 
 that sort of thing which would create envy, ad- 
 miration, and respect — a commanding beauty 
 (and, soit (lit en passant, he might get plenty of 
 them in high life), — one who, when riding in 
 the Park with me, followed by two grooms, 
 would be the star of attraction ; one whom my 
 brother officers might be proud to bow to from 
 the pave of St. James' s-street. I must not 
 wed a rustic, though lovely as an angel; must 
 not throw myself away on one without a name,
 
 THE GUARDS. 159 
 
 not if my heart loved lier to despair ; and as 
 for mine, the toils of fashion have almost 
 blunted its feelings.'"' Here his off-leader, 
 which was rather above his work, began to 
 plunge ; his driver checked him, and cried, 
 " Will you ? steady there, Rover ;" (Very 
 apropos, thought Bramblewood.) " In a word, 
 old fellow, I must cure this returning weakness. 
 Marry her I must not ; and yet wholly to 
 neglect her would be base indeed. To-night I 
 mean to write to her, but what to say nCem- 
 brouille diab lenient.'" 
 
 This conversation, as our reader may per- 
 ceive, was on the road : the friend listened to 
 it attentively, weighed the matter fairly, and 
 after taking a pinch of snuff, in order to give 
 the last speaker breathing-time, he thus replied, 
 " My dear Herbert, nothing is more difficult 
 than to give advice in matters like these ; no- 
 thing so thankless, nothing more useless, for 
 men, in general, have resolved on what to do 
 ere they seek advice ; but you have asked mine.
 
 160 THE GUARDS. 
 
 and I hold it my duty to counsel you as I 
 would act myself, having your interest sin- 
 cerely at heart. With respect to Emma's birth, 
 we know not who she is ; but one thing is evi- 
 dent — she is of no low stock ; her person, her 
 manners, and the consideration which the cler- 
 gyman and his wife, with whom she has been 
 brought up, bestow on her, prove her to be of 
 no base origin ; besides, her virtues and her 
 accomplishments are of the very first cast. By 
 her sweet dispositions he has riveted the affec- 
 tions of those with whom she lives ; they love 
 her as their own child. By her brilliant quali- 
 ties and her education, on which no pains have 
 been spared, she is the pattern and ornament of 
 her neighbourhood. All we know about her is, 
 that she enjoys a small annuity, and considers 
 herself an orphan ; but, in spite of the am- 
 biguity of that matter, she would do honour to 
 any rank in society. Look at the birth of 
 some of the most dashing characters in town, of 
 both sexes. How many in affluence, splendour, 
 and titles, foreign and national, have not been
 
 THE GUARDS. 161 
 
 born under the sanction of legitimacy ! A cer- 
 tain virtuosa Countess ; the two characters we 
 named in our last drive, knights and members of 
 ParHament; the theatrical Colonel; an old Gene- 
 ral-officer, and created baronet : moreover, look 
 high in our peerage, and trace the illegitimate 
 race of Stuart : then, again, high up in the 
 French peerage, a duke of Hke royal descent. 
 But as to Emma, we have no right to assume 
 that she is a natural daughter ; all we can re- 
 mark is, the taciturnity observed on the sub- 
 ject of her birth. I have, like yourself, known 
 her from almost infancy ; a sweeter child never 
 existed, nor one more dutiful, caressing, or 
 grateful, to her adopted parents. It may be 
 said of her in the words of the poet, in one of 
 his most feeUng poems, 
 
 * I may not count the thousand infant charms, 
 Unconscious fascinations, undesign'd ; 
 The prayer repeated in her father's * arms. 
 
 That Heaven might bless her sire and all mankind." 
 
 Campbell. 
 
 * Her adopted father we mean.
 
 162 THE GUARDS. 
 
 I never aspired to the hand of Emma, but I 
 should be proud of such a partner ; the marked 
 preference which she bestowed on you, and 
 which I then thought was returned on your 
 part, precluded all possibility of my indulging 
 a tender sentiment for her ; nay, had that not 
 been the case, my fortune is not sufficient to 
 bring her into society in a manner equal to her 
 deserts. It would be doing her injustice to con- 
 demn merit, beauty, and talent, like hers, to a life 
 of mediocrity, retirement, and obscurity ; not 
 but that I think she would make a good 
 poor gentleman's wife : however, it would be 
 cruel to deprive higher society of such a jewel. 
 As for what you ought to do, ask your own 
 heart ; reflect on the past; do not blind your- 
 self; slur not over by-gone vows, expressions, 
 promises, conversations, sympathies ; resort not 
 to the common yet dishonourable custom, of 
 sporting with female feelings. However you 
 may at present get over your obligations and 
 marked attentions, believe me, a time may come
 
 THE GUARDS. 163 
 
 when your own heart may smite you if you 
 have wiled this fair one's heart away ; if you 
 have raised hopes and expectations to blight 
 the one and to disappoint the other ; if you 
 have, — mark, I put it to you if — if, I repeat it 
 again, the tenor of your conduct has been such 
 as to win those affections which you cannot 
 requite by any but one act — that of making her 
 your wife ! She has, you allow it yourself, al- 
 ready received some slights from you, which 
 she has borne with mild and submissive pa- 
 tience. You might offend your mother by form- 
 ing an alliance with virtue and beauty only ; 
 but your worthy old father would easily be 
 gained over, and she would be the pride of his 
 age. You alone can be a judge as to the time 
 and other circumstances connected with your 
 union : but, in the plain unvarnished language 
 of truth and honour— in the firm conviction 
 that your duty prescribes to you but one noble, 
 candid, and open line of conduct — I must say, 
 that to desert her entirely, either by a cruel,
 
 164 THE GUARDS. 
 
 unmanly, abrupt breaking off, of which I be- 
 lieve you to be incapable ; or by a more usual, 
 but not honester, compromising, seemingly- 
 gentle falling off, would be an act unworthy of 
 a soldier or a man, a stain on the noble blood 
 in your veins, and would tarnish the lustre of 
 that profession which you have embraced, and 
 in which, we find, in spite of human frailty, 
 that the bravest men are always the best ; or, 
 as the song says, 
 
 ^ The spirit that's boldest and bravest in war. 
 Is the truest and fondest in love !' " 
 
 Luckily for young Greenlaw, they had just 
 pulled up at an inn, and one of the grooms 
 jumped down from the dicky to receive the 
 ribands from his master's hand. The gay 
 youth kept a profound silence on the sub- 
 ject just conchided. Bramblewood proposed 
 the early dinner, which, after some hesitation, 
 motived on fashionable custom, his friend con- 
 sented to ; not omitting, however, to say.
 
 THE GUARDS. 165 
 
 " This is rural indeed ; I don't know whe- 
 ther I shall be able to eat any thing ; however, 
 I made no breakfast, and this may pass for 
 a dejeune a la fourchette.'''' 
 
 " Let it pass for what it will," said the son 
 of Nature ; "" le noin iHy fait rien, 
 
 ' A rose would smell as sweet by any other name.* 
 
 Order dinner, and I will be bound that the 
 exercise and country air will produce a more 
 salutary effect than all the provocations of to- 
 nics, sauces piqua?ites, or of drugs or incentives 
 of any kind. Our usual dinner is the labourer's 
 supper; our luncheon, now refined into a de- 
 jeune a la fourchette, is his dinner, and so on. 
 There are many fair dames, too, who sip two 
 spoonfuls of soup, taste a bit of fish, and con- 
 clude with the wing of a lark, or the decimal 
 of a quail or golden plover at dinner, who 
 will, at two or three P. M., in private, finish 
 a mutton cotefette, the wing of a fowl, and an 
 appropriate quantity of vegetables.*"
 
 166 THE GUARDS. 
 
 So it was with our Exquisite ; who, after 
 ordering a dozen French dishes, which he could 
 not get executed, consumed half a dish of 
 gudgeons, a veal cotelette, and the whole breast 
 of a Dorking fowl, with a pint of pale sherry, 
 and his share of a bottle of claret. After this 
 he got into better spirits, and observed affect- 
 edly, " By Juno ! this early feeding agrees 
 with me !" 
 
 " It would agree with us all,"" quoth his 
 reasonable companion, '^ if fashion permitted us 
 to study our health and our happiness." 
 
 " Peut-etre, " responded Greenlaw. Not a 
 word more had as yet transpired concerning 
 broken vows and Emma ; but the man of ho- 
 , nour, the soldier, and the friend, was not to be 
 put off thus : he brought the subject again 
 upon the tapis still more vehemently, clearly, 
 and distinctly, and required to know what he 
 meant to do.*" 
 
 '^ A moment, if you please : let us have 
 coffee and some cherry-bounce: for liqueurs
 
 THE GUARDS. 16T 
 
 I fear the plebs have not." These were brought. 
 " Why," concluded he, *' I should like to 
 marry the girl vastly, if it were not for my 
 dear mother : it would break her heart, were I 
 to throw mvself awav, as she would call it. All 
 I can do for Emma is, to make her splendid 
 presents and to keep myself single : and that, 
 I assure you, will be no easy task. And I shall 
 have a dozen wives proposed to me by Lady 
 Gertrude out of which to choose !" 
 
 " Your splendid presents Emma will value 
 very little," said Bramble wood, " if the heart 
 accompany not the gift. As to keeping your- 
 self single, that is the least which you can do : 
 it is an imperative act of justice; for, in fact, 
 I presume you have positively promised to 
 marry her ?"" 
 
 " Get the carriage, waiter ; bring the bill ! 
 The cherry -brandy is diabolical : the most di- 
 minutive drop of pure, genuine, would be 
 better ; it would take away the vile taste." 
 
 The tenacious champion for beautv was not
 
 168 THE GUARDS. 
 
 thus to be beaten ofF the field. He put the 
 question again. 
 
 " Why, in some measure, yes ; conditionally, 
 to be sure : — that is to say, if I could get the 
 consent of both parents. Emma would not 
 accept my hand otherwise."" 
 
 " Generous soul !" interrupted the friend to 
 woman. 
 
 " Yes; but there 's the thing, for that I 
 never shall obtain." (To the Waiter) " Is all 
 ready .f^" 
 
 "Yes, sir." 
 
 " Then let us have the lamps lighted and 
 be off.'' 
 
 This lighting the lamps and being off', was 
 nothing else but trying to make light of the 
 matter, and get off" the best way he could. It 
 availed him not ; no more than the turning and 
 re-turning, the rising up and starting forward of 
 one, who being wounded by a ball or an arrow 
 unextracted, bears the one or other with them, 
 do what they may — go where they will.
 
 THE GUARDS. 169 
 
 " Haeret lateri lethalis arundo." 
 
 Thus it was -with the half false, half attached 
 lover : the carriage seemed scarcely to move, 
 although it went at a very brisk rate ; silence 
 and a change of subject were alternated ; but 
 the former came back always in a gloomy form. 
 The approach of town was most welcome. 
 
 VOL I.
 
 170 THE GUARDS. 
 
 CHAPTER IX. 
 
 COUNTESS SAN TLORENZO's CONCERT AND BALL. 
 
 " Olij how small wit, in this time — lessen'd age ! — 
 Can buy for men the witness of renown ! 
 Oh, how large envy, with a viper's rage. 
 
 The brow of merit 'reaveth of its crown ! 
 That men, whom all hereafter shall disown. 
 
 The dregs of time, and vile oblivion's prey. 
 Hold in large fee the world, and, overblown 
 With empty thoughts, gi-ow lavish with decay." 
 
 Lord Thurlow. 
 
 The friends arrived in town, the' important 
 affair of dress was accomplished, and at the 
 appointed time they repaired to Lady Lydia's 
 house; from whence they proceeded to the 
 Square, not a hundred miles from Bond Street, 
 where the amiable Countess holds her court of
 
 THE GUARDS. 171 
 
 Lady Lydia took young Greenlaw under her 
 charge, as an introductress, for more reasons 
 than one, — he was young, good-looking, rich, 
 well-born, and in the Guards ; and what por- 
 tals of fashion could be shut against such quali- 
 fications ? His dress and address, ton and pre- 
 sentability, made him an acquisition to any 
 brilliant party as a foreground figure; not to 
 mention the importance of the book of numbers 
 in meetings of high life, where multiplication 
 looks well in the suite of apartments thrown 
 open for reception, and in the equally impor- 
 tant columns of a newspaper, open as day to 
 inspection. Those who give great parties have 
 more interests to consult, more persons to 
 satisfy and please, more allies to employ and 
 subsidize, than the vulgar are aware of. There 
 is, first, quality to attract, gentry to associate 
 with them without offending pride, public cha- 
 racters to court for the sake of notoriety ; secret 
 intrigues and histories to get acquainted with, 
 lest uncongenial bodies might be brought into 
 
 I 2
 
 172 THE GUARDS. 
 
 contact or collision; professional people to em- 
 ploy and pay, and that too with gracefulness, 
 and an attention not to hurt their susceptibility; 
 some rivals to start fairly, and others to keep 
 apart for fear of raising jealousy, envy, ha- 
 tred, and all uncharitableness; the press to 
 soften down, reporters to gain, retain and pre- 
 serve, and, lastly, the police to guard the 
 haunts of pleasure from intrusion and plunder; 
 albeit though when cards form the standing 
 dish of the bill of fare, plunder of another kind 
 may be allowed — but the predatory war must 
 be waged by chiefs of the highest mark and 
 name. Now, in addition to all these weighty 
 matters, the Countess, who was accounted 
 amongst the conocenti and diletanti, had to 
 draw together people of various talents. These 
 were like the rays emanating from her resplen- 
 dence, and she felt that she shone amongst 
 them. Young Greenlaw''s passport to her 
 party was grounded on and stamped by fashion, 
 and countersigned by his gay and fair introduc-
 
 THE GUARDS. 173 
 
 tress. His friend was his shade, (great men have 
 many, witness, for exam-pie, McEce?ias et umbras;) 
 he also was a convenient drawer off of notice 
 from the titled widow, and a most desirable 
 arm-giver and attention-payer to the lovely 
 Maria, on whom her lady patroness cast a 
 doubtful and jealous eye, anxious that she 
 should not be thought too little of, nor made 
 too much of; that she should not engross too 
 much admiration, nor be wholly lost in the 
 throng. 
 
 The concert had begun, a piece of fine instru- 
 mental music was nearly in its midway pro- 
 gress. An entree has always a bad effect on 
 such occasions; but elegant amateurs know how 
 to qualify this by a kind of tiptoe pacing in, 
 by something that looks as if it meant " zitto, 
 taisez vous,'^ " hush ! mind me not," and the 
 like ; whereas it means no such thing ; to 
 be unobserved, passed by, or neglected, would 
 be abominable ; but then all this manoeuviing, 
 this shaking of the head in prohibition of being
 
 174 THE GUARDS. 
 
 noticed by admiring beaux, or a taper finger 
 applied to a coral lip, with a glove which many 
 a Romeo fain would represent or be identified 
 with, — 
 
 cc 
 
 That (he) might give a touch unto that cheek ;'' 
 
 and a splendid bracelet over the wrist, termi- 
 nating in lily hand — all this, we repeat it, 
 (and a most momentous affair it is) tends to 
 exhibit high breeding, taste for music, gentle- 
 ness of disposition, and an exquisite imitation of 
 humility. In spite of these preliminaries, the 
 introduction passed off in the usual way ; the 
 Countess and her Ladyship were charmed to 
 see each other ; although the latter was no 
 friend to the Countess, whether from envy, or 
 what other motive, matters not : she was one of 
 those who admired the Count, and used to 
 observe, with a turn-up of the nose, that Miss 
 Thingembob was too lucky to get such a man ; 
 whilst more than one male gossip would cry, 
 " A lucky dog indeed ! — an Italian adventurer
 
 THI-: GUAEDS. 175 
 
 to dance himself into such a fortune i"' It 
 would not require much trouble to find out the 
 motive of this. Widows and unmarried ladies 
 look not with an approving eye on those who 
 have handsome, titled, or talented spouses ; 
 whilst those who bowed and scraped at these 
 very parties, would have been glad to have 
 taken ?7tore steps than the Count for the funded 
 coin, the India stock and bonds, together with 
 the house in the Square, etc., etc. The fact is, 
 that, in spite of all the efforts of detraction, 
 meiit will find its level, and truth will be out ; 
 and en depit of the tittle-tattle of nabob's gold, 
 a cross-breed, counterfeit quality, the bend 
 sinister in the nabob's arms, and the hke, 
 together with all the contradictory on clits 
 respecting Count San Florenzo, he is acknow- 
 ledged by his countrymen, and indisputably 
 proved, to be descended lineally and legiti- 
 mately from a Duca e Prijicipe. His brother 
 lives in magnificence, and keeps a large stud of 
 horses ; he is a well-bred pohshed nobleman?
 
 176 THE GUARDS. 
 
 and served with our army with honour and 
 credit to himself ; — whilst the Countess, although 
 now grown into sleek rotundity, and no more 
 the dancing Miss which she was once deno- 
 minated, is virtuous, kind-tempered, and emi- 
 nently accomplished as a musician, a dancer, 
 a linguist, and as one of superior mental ac- 
 quirements. 
 
 To the grand concerto, — which was highly 
 relished by the judges of music present, and 
 more praised by those who had neither ear nor 
 taste for sweet sounds, — (and of these there are 
 many : some have ear enough, by which a 
 certain dumb animal is recognized, but no taste ; 
 others have plenty of taste, bad or good, but 
 their own, but no ear for melodious notes ; 
 these, however, like the hired mourners men- 
 tioned by Horace in his Art of Poetry, are 
 more demonstrative of feeling than those who 
 really are moved by musical effect) — To the in- 
 strumental music aforesaid, succeeded the vocal 
 art — that which approaches nearest to the heart.
 
 THE GUARDS. 177 
 
 and awakens our passions and sympathies, and 
 is most intimately connected with 
 
 " The hidden soul of harmony." 
 
 The strength of the Opera was here enlisted, 
 and the vocal part of the concert was admi- 
 rable. In the course of the night, the Countess 
 exhibited her excellence on the harp, and was 
 much praised by the circle formed around her. 
 Time was when the aspiring Count used to 
 hang on her notes, (not her bank-notes, po- 
 lished reader,) with enchanted ear; but now 
 good breeding forbade him to draw near the 
 spot ; V usage da monde prohibited such a pro- 
 cedure ; moreover, it would be too much for 
 a husband in high-life to be always harping 
 upon the same string : this might do for the 
 boutiquaires of the East, but would be scouted 
 bv the inhabitants of the West end of the 
 town. 
 
 The ball followed the concert, and began at 
 one o'clock ; the supper, at a much later hour, 
 
 I 5
 
 178 THE GUARDS. 
 
 composed the finale. Lady Lydia and the 
 Guardsman were only spectators of this active 
 amusement; her Ladyship wished to lead her 
 beau a dance of another kind : whether dancing 
 attendance or pairing-off, (a very chaste par- 
 liamentary expression,) we leave to those who 
 have nous (Greek vouj, we mean,) to find out. 
 Young Bramblewood and Maria stood up as 
 a couple in the waltz, and as vis-a-vis in the 
 quadrille, — the most desirable places for persons 
 having a penchant for each other to occupy. 
 Whilst they were thus disposed of, the Widow 
 and her Cavalier promenaded through . the 
 different reception-rooms ; the practised com- 
 pliments were brought into play by the youth, 
 and the usual corresponding airs and graces 
 were played off by the object of attractiveviess ; 
 (and why not as well as destructiveness, as the 
 celebrated craniologist terms it,) for these qua- 
 lities are closely connected. In truth, it was 
 a most spirited flirtation, in which self-interest 
 and vanity were blended — at least, on the part
 
 THE GUARDS. 1T9 
 
 of Lady Lydia ; the military flirt brouglit only 
 vanity into the field. 
 
 At the end of the second waltz, Bramble- 
 wood conducted his belle to the room where 
 his friend and the object of his attentions were 
 parading their gracefulness. Maria smiled at 
 the seeming success of her patroness, as she 
 passed by. A contented smile lighted up the 
 features of her Ladyship. Our hero lost not a 
 cubit of his natural stature, now improved by 
 being well set up by the Adjutant, and still 
 more exalted by approving beauty. His com- 
 rade, in touching his elbow en passant, pro- 
 nounced the two letters M. A.^ 
 
 * What a powerful engine a hint may be made of ! 
 We remember the fate of a suitor being decided in four 
 letters in the box of a theatre. One young lady tele- 
 graphed to another on the back of a ticket, M. E. } 
 meaning. Est il aimd ? — the other retm-ned the answer, 
 NO j and he was rejected. But we also witnessed a more 
 powerful hint : — A young ofl&cer, who expected his regi- 
 ment to be ordered to the West-Indies, and had a mind 
 to exchange, wrote a letter to his father, a militar)^ m.an 
 also : the only answer was a blank cover, in which the old 
 soldier inclosed a white feather picked out of his pillow.
 
 180 THE GUARDS. 
 
 " What does he mean ?*" gently accented 
 Lady Lydia. " Why," (a little confusedly,) 
 " no doubt. Military Ardour, purporting that" 
 a pause " it must be so — 
 
 ^ None but the brave deserve the fair.' 
 
 » 
 
 Her Ladyship smiled one of her warmest 
 smiles. " Oh ! Dryden to wit : yes, I under- 
 stand you ; I remember the lines — 
 
 ' Happy^ happy, happy pair ;'— 
 
 the same, no doubt : ha ! ha ! not bad." 
 
 True ; but our Exquisite did not fully com- 
 prehend all the force of this. There was a 
 good deal of female generalship in bringing in 
 this quotation : it was like the Reserve at the 
 close of an action. She expected it would be 
 
 The son immediately took the hint, and went out with 
 his regiment. After this he distin^ished himself in a 
 number of engagements, and turned out an excellent 
 officer : personal courage he never was deficient in — 
 climate was all that he dreaded. He fell afterwards at 
 Waterloo, much regretted. — Thus can a small hint de- 
 ter, animate, or rally, if dexterously managed.
 
 THE GUAHDS. 181 
 
 decisive ; and the Reserve is a host of strength 
 in a civil as well as a military engagement. 
 The two letters M. A. had routed the wits of 
 the young soldier : it was like an enfilading 
 fire, which threw him into disorder. The wi- 
 dow perceived that her shot did not tell ; she 
 bit her lips: nothing but bringing the matter 
 to a point could insure a victory, and this 
 could not be done on the ground which they 
 now occupied : she must take up a new posi- 
 tion, rally him upon his want of intelligence. 
 and bring in the powerful and well-served ar- 
 tillery of her eyes, to make him surrender 
 himself a prisoner. Grape would have better 
 suited the youth in this dilemma ; but it could 
 not be procured until after supper, when its aid 
 came in apropos, and reinforced him so, that 
 he redoubled in fine speeches, surpassed liis 
 usual skill in gallantry, plied his services in 
 every possible elegant shape, and evinced so 
 much tactics in this kind of petite guerre, that 
 he was considered by la bella Donna as a se-
 
 182 
 
 THE GUARDS. 
 
 cond Paris ; and what much delighted the lady, 
 his assiduities were remarked by the whole cir- 
 cle, some of the component parts or segments 
 of which would willingly have made a diversion 
 in their own favour. 
 
 Our gentle and peaceful readers will, we 
 hope, forgive us for these military phrases: 
 our love for the profession of arms, and our 
 partiality for the Guards, may justify this lan- 
 guage. Moreover, the warfare of the field, and 
 the contending for the prize of beauty, resem- 
 ble much : — there are advances and retreats in 
 each, feints, fausses attaques, skirmishes, and 
 other military matters. Philosophically speak- 
 ing, also, life is a warfare on earth ; and, to 
 many, a desperate skirmishing, not forgetting 
 the running fight of defeated dandies, pursuing 
 creditors, and the folloioers of the law. 
 
 A splendid supper, in which Gunter did his 
 best with his usual taste, closed this costly 
 scene, and all parties retired to their local ha- 
 bitations. Praise was loud in favour of the
 
 THE GUARDS. 183 
 
 entertaining couple ; yet envy and misrepre- 
 sentation were not silent : the press, that pow- 
 erful engine, was hard at work in favour of 
 the e^ood taste of the host and hostess, but they 
 obtained not what was due to them from all. 
 Be that as it may, each looked for his or her 
 name in the list of company, of whom we shall 
 shortly hereafter make mention. 
 
 The next pleasure to the night's entertain- 
 ment, be it what it may, is the noonday dis- 
 cussion on its merits or demerits. The scenic 
 performance (and " all the world 's a stage") 
 is reconsidered with the satisfaction which the 
 critic has in finding faults, or the enthusiast 
 of the author or the performer in runnino; 
 over the attractions which chaste acting pro- 
 duces. " Young," says one, " performed most 
 scientifically; but he is too much of the scholar 
 and the gentleman, and not enough of the 
 impassioned actor.'"' " Kean," observes another, 
 " looked his part, and took a powerful hold 
 of the passions ; but there is a sameness in
 
 184 THE GUARDS. 
 
 the voice, a hoarse severity of tone, a snarling 
 at variance with the nobility and humanity of 
 man." '* Ward understood his part well, but 
 he mouthed it out ; there is no end to him — 
 he is like a Ward in Chancery."" " Miss Paton 
 — she warbles like a syren, but she is above 
 her business." " Miss M. Tree is at home in 
 every part; but," remarks an old maid, " I hate 
 to see her wear the breeches ; and now that she 
 is married, the thing is worse." " Miss Ste- 
 phens — her voice is mellifluous, but she is very 
 plain." "Miss Foote— the child of Nature." 
 " Well !" exclaims Never-to-be-pleased, "I don't 
 like Miss Foote at all." 
 
 Thus it is on the dramatic stage. On that of 
 life the case is just the same. 
 
 " The ball was good, but the supper very 
 defective at Lady Belamour's," is the sentence 
 pronounced by one guest. " The supper was 
 admirable at the Nabob's, but the music was 
 pas grande chose; poor Sir Roderic Potherpore 
 is no judge of music, and he leaves these mat-
 
 THE GUARDS. 185 
 
 ters to his groom of the chambers, who pockets 
 what he can, and gets the humblest performers, 
 and every other thing but the table-ware as 
 cheap as he can, for Sir Roderic is a man of 
 appetite, but not of taste." These are the 
 thanks which a man gets, who, after exhausting 
 his constitution in making a fortune, is expend- 
 ing that fortune to entertain idlers and pam- 
 pered satirists, who, like vermin, live upon 
 those who are bit by them. 
 
 " Countess San Florenzo's party was superb, 
 but there was too much foreign manner in it, 
 too much fiddle-faddle, too much self," was the 
 critique of a handful of unsatisfied visitors, who 
 go backbiting from house to house. 
 
 Should this volume fall into the hands of the 
 Countess San Florenzo, these truths may not be 
 of disservice to her : she may reflect on the 
 lines which introduce the chapter, and apply 
 them not only to many frequenters of her par- 
 ties, but of those with whom she is constantly 
 in the habit of meeting. Did her temper and
 
 186 THE GUARDS. 
 
 spirit animate all her circle, it would be said of 
 her parties, that 
 
 " Fine forms alone shaU visit there^ 
 With gentle voice and soften'd mien ; 
 Nor cold distrust, nor pride severe. 
 Nor selfishness, shall there be seen V 
 
 But those who throw their houses open to the 
 many will be repaid for their hospitality by the 
 few, — c'tst ainsi par tout. 
 
 In two or three days all remembrance of the 
 party faded away, and gave place to another 
 house-opening, newer and more sumptuous : 
 which again dissolved itself into the nothing- 
 ness of oblivion, and mingled with the tide of 
 pleasure, which carries its votaries down its 
 stream ; or was like a melting vapour in the sun, 
 which glitters its little moment in the ray* and 
 
 * We gratefully acknowledge our owing the simile 
 of the melting vapour to Captain Morris, formerly of 
 the Life Guards j we extracted it from two very poeti- 
 cal hnes of one of his excellent songs ; — 
 
 " Griefs like melting vapours fly. 
 
 When Beauty's sun-beams warm me.*'
 
 THE GUARDS. 187 
 
 is no more thous^ht of after. So it will be with 
 all vapours and vapourers of every texture, 
 conformation, and appearance ; thus they will 
 invariably find it to the end of life's chapter. 
 Wiiicli (par parenthht) puts us in mind of 
 turning over a new leaf, and of commencing a 
 fresh chapter: a duty that would be equally 
 beneficial to the vapourer to do, as well as our- 
 selves : which shall be performed with as much 
 celerity as the exit of the Nite Lord Bellamont's 
 footman in disgrace, when his refined and elo- 
 quent master exclaimed, doubtless with an 
 action which was suited to the word, — 
 
 " Caitiff evaporate ! ! !"
 
 LS8 THE GUARDS. 
 
 CHAPTER X. 
 
 THE COMPANY. 
 
 " In nova fert animus mutatas dicere formas 
 
 Corpora." 
 
 «* Ovid. 
 
 When the blaze of lights and the glittering 
 of lustres, the lamp-supporting statues and 
 candelabra, together with the only emblem of 
 reflection in the abodes of fashion (the mir- 
 rors), added to marble tables, alabaster, jasper, 
 gilding, and the costly and tasteful drapery of 
 hangings, gold fringe, china vases, and em- 
 blematical clocks, ornamented with or molu 
 and studded with turquoise, in addition to 
 many warmly breathing pictures — the spiranti 
 colori of the Roman and Flemish schools, con- 
 vert a sober brick building, fronted with stone.
 
 THE GUARDS. 189 
 
 or more probably with Roman cement, into 
 a Temple of Venus, or a modern Pantheon in 
 miniature, — it is not surprising that the ani- 
 mated statues, living lights, and speaking por- 
 traits under the roof should partake of some 
 degree of metamorphosis also. Time changes 
 many ; but the mutations of dress are more 
 numerous and greater. By this the faded flower 
 is revivified into freshness ; the pale cheek as- 
 sumes a rosy tint ; the errors which Dame 
 Nature has bestowed on some forms vanish be- 
 fore art ; the iron-grey of fifty boasts glossy 
 jet, auburn, or golden tresses, and age is put 
 to flight: which justifies a certain intelligent 
 Swiss traveller, who asserted, that he traversed 
 all Eno;land without meetino; an old woman in 
 high Hfe. Again, for one beauty which we meet 
 with in broad day, we encounter a score bj 
 taper, torch, and lamp-light ; for which reason 
 the Italian proverb holds good : 
 
 " Ni donna, ni tela, 
 
 Non comprar a la candela."
 
 190 THE GUARDS. 
 
 Nay we may follow Ovid farther in his Meta- 
 morphoses, when we contemplate more than 
 one Daphne, pursued in her youth by a suitor, 
 and now standing, as an evergreen, in spite of 
 many a winter having passed over her head, 
 like a laurel in a hot-house or conservatory ; 
 when we behold many an Actaeon, not how- 
 ever made such by the Goddess of Chastity ; 
 and have to pity more than one Narcissus, who 
 owes his ruin to his vanity, and to having a 
 pretty face. So much for those who living 
 have preserved their good looks, or found in 
 the arcana of the dressing-room what father 
 Time has deprived them of. As to those who 
 have yielded to the despoiler, " Peace," we say, 
 to their manes, or living remains — le beau reste 
 of a quondam fascinatress. And here we hang 
 up the votive wreath to the oEce lovely Lady 
 
 C , the overblown Marchioness of , the 
 
 Duchess of , and Lady C. C , who 
 
 now is, like the conversion of lo in vaccam, 
 turned into a very Lady Bull in folio. But
 
 THE GUARDS. 191 
 
 to return to the beau monde of this dazzling 
 assembly. 
 
 There were not at it so strong a muster of the 
 Peerage as at Lady Lydia Languish's party : 
 ribands and stars did not occur in such num- 
 bers ; Ministry was not present to give the last 
 high varnish to the newspaper flourish ; neither 
 were there any officers of the old or new Tenth 
 Hussars there, Elegant Extracts, or Prince's 
 mixture; — there was a sprinkling of the Guards, 
 which embelHshed the moving picture, and an 
 abundance of foreign Nobility with orders and 
 distinctions — the badge of bravery, or the ap- 
 pendages of nobility, dangling at their button- 
 hole ; three Princes and Dukes, Counts and Vis- 
 counts, Excellejizas, and Chevaliers. Nor was 
 there a less variety of languages passing through 
 the halls and apartments, than there were of 
 nations present at this meeting of rank and 
 ban ton. We will not say a word of female 
 voices; not a syllable about a confusion of 
 tongues ; not a hint of reference to the Tower
 
 193 THE GUARDS. 
 
 of Babel in days of yore ; but assert that, 
 except on the Royal Exchange, we never wit- 
 nessed a greater variety of speech and dress 
 than in the Countess's painted and other cham- 
 bers. Nor was it astonishing that it should be 
 thus ; a rout is a place of meeting, of ren- 
 dezvous, and a perpetual exchange of engaging 
 looks, mutual urbanities, and reciprocal atten- 
 tions : the only difference is, that on 'Change 
 the object is business, whilst here the end pro- 
 posed is pleasure ; and that the dresses of the 
 mercantile crowd are descriptive of their coun- 
 tries, whilst here the variety consisted in the 
 efforts and exertions of taste, expense, et le desir 
 de plaire. In one saloon was to be heard, 
 " Servo suo, Signora Principessa, umilissimo 
 servo suo, Sig?tor Generale, come se Mama 
 quella bellissima Signorina f* In another draw- 
 ing-room you might feel the effects of the 
 Spanish Embassy and its accompanying fol- 
 lowers ; and, Muy bien, poderoso senor, obligato 
 senor cabalhro ;" and (speaking of a passing
 
 THE GUARDS. 193 
 
 Grace) " E hermosa^ e muy honita^'' came from 
 every quarter. The room leading to the 
 orchestra represented an adjournment of a 
 Paris party, and nothing but *' TLnchante de 
 vous voir, que vous ties belle ce soir, une femme 
 superbe P' and " a vous reudre mes devoirs,'''' were 
 to be picked up in the conversational line. In- 
 deed, it was a relief to hear any language 
 spoken in its purity and integrity, and honestly 
 by itself alone, without the alliance of other 
 foreign powers. The ordinary monologues- 
 colloquies, and many-tongued harangues in 
 fashionable parties, are composed of a British 
 groundwork, upon which ornamental figures 
 are embroidered of foreign texture : if a phrase 
 be half French and half English, the auditor 
 may think himself very fairly dealt with ; for 
 how can he expect from a person of distinction, 
 or high fashion, a whole phrase in the vulgar 
 tongue? The elegant mixture is a predomi- 
 nance of French, occasionally supported by 
 Italian ; or, indeed, any thing but plain Eng- 
 
 VOL. I. K
 
 194r THE GUAEDS. 
 
 lish, or any of the dead languages. (These last 
 are only sported by young men lately arrived 
 from both universities, or from persons of the 
 learned professions, who are not accounted 
 drawing-room furniture.) At the same time 
 that we bow down respectfully to this national 
 improvement in speech, we also congratulate 
 the fashionable world on an equal improve- 
 ment in action, which has even reached be- 
 yond Temple-bar, where, formerly, anti-gallican 
 shoulders could not even be lessoned into a 
 shrug. 
 
 In the foremost rank of quahty, and at the 
 head of a legion of beauties, stood a certain 
 Ambassadorial Princess — for the corps diplo- 
 matique was en force here : she seemed like a 
 comet surrounded by bright, but lesser stars, 
 and representing at one and the same time the 
 planet Venus and the Evening star — for she was 
 that evening's luminary of admiration; as many 
 glasses were raised and levelled at her as ever 
 were poised at an eclipse. Near her was Mars :
 
 THE GUARDS. 195 
 
 — find him out who will ; he cannot easily be 
 mistaken. The Northern Bear shone in the 
 Duke of Glentilt ; whose second son, however, 
 is one of the pearls of fashion which occasionally 
 surround the crown. Another female Excel- 
 lence was situate (so it is now called) near to 
 the seat of command, and boasted the Princely 
 honours of her husband also. Three daughters 
 of Peers represented the Graces hard by ; and 
 the Muses, amongst whom the Countess San 
 Florenzo herself stood as one, and an active 
 one too, were distributed about in the music- 
 room. The Prince Castle (we must not say 
 
 what) took his station near the Count Florenzo, 
 and served, unintentionally, as he often had 
 done before, as a foil to him ; the silver locks 
 of hoary fidelity, blending like the lily and the 
 rose by the side of British youth and beauty, 
 — the daughters of those who had welcomed 
 them to our hospitable shores in their emi- 
 gration. Those preux Chevaliers and followers 
 of Royalty in adversity, held a central station 
 
 K 2
 
 196 THE GUAUDS. 
 
 ill the reception-rooms, either as visitors from 
 the opposite shore, returned and discontented 
 nobility, or connected with some embassy or 
 public situation. There was no lack either of 
 inis and ninis of foreign growth, nor of profes- 
 sional persons, both employed and unemployed ; 
 employed, as in the concert, or unemployed, as 
 contemplators of that Oriental wealth which 
 both had formed the corner-stone of the edifice, 
 and had built up the ample fortune of the only 
 surviving sister of the late nabob : these were 
 disposed of in the back -ground, and admirably 
 marshalled as a rear rank, which reserves its 
 fire for a proper opportunity, when the plau- 
 dits bestowed on vocal and ornamental success, 
 the murmured praise given to the dancer 
 or other object of eulogy on the cai-pet, 
 and, above all, circulating the fame of their 
 patroness either for her kindness or accom- 
 plishments, might come in with proper ef- 
 fect. A Scotch Peer, whose daughter had 
 been the subject of much admiration on the
 
 THE GUARDS. 197 
 
 part of the defunct, headed a few opposition 
 members, who had sat in the lower house with 
 him, and had oftener tasted his calypash and 
 calypee, and quaffed the produce of his choice 
 cellar, than they had listened to him when upon 
 his legs, where he made no great figure ; 
 althouo:h nothing; backward or modest as a 
 public orator, and a regular j^w^er out of far lies 
 against the Treasury benches. The Dandy 
 Chief was much missed as a dancer and a beau : 
 he had awarded the palm, more than once, to 
 the Countess's dancing abilities in her un- 
 married and dancing days. Two or three of 
 the dandy court alone remained as visitors 
 of the house, and even these seemed as if times 
 had altered with them. — A sprig of Divinity 
 was often perceived reclining against a pillar, 
 or seated solo, not very unlike to — 
 
 " Patience on a monument smiling at grief." 
 
 The Countess had been a sincere friend to him 
 through life ; and it was considered by some,
 
 198 THE GUARDS^ 
 
 that, if he had played his cards well, his situa- 
 tion would have been far different from what it 
 was ; but he let slip the golden age, which 
 blooms full often for many a one who allows 
 it to go unheeded by, and has to regret it 
 afterwards for many a day and year. 
 
 The Reverend is of a noble family, of a 
 good person, and a good fellow ; but who, 
 being early smitten by the taper ankle of one 
 of the corps du ballet, made the pas grave of 
 matrimony, without balance-mg one moment ; 
 and was chasse-d by his best friends, or rather, 
 by those who called themselves so ; and thus 
 gave up all his brightest prospects. He is not 
 the first, or only one, who has been enamoured of 
 a delightful figure of a dancer ; one who keeps 
 up the Ball with much eclat, honour, and dig- 
 nity, is an example of the contrary ; — but then 
 a foreign name gives a better colouring to the 
 article, and a marvellous tale adds interest to 
 a paragraph on the subject ; whereas Madame 
 is British-born; and her papa, from being a piiff"
 
 THE GUARDS. 199 
 
 in the days of hair-powder, and one in the 
 tonsorial line of practice, became the driver of 
 a stage-coach, in wliich he did not acquit him- 
 self so well as in his former occupation ; — so that 
 all this put together makes but a plebeian 
 display; and, as the Reverend's relatives are 
 from the land of thistles, and as proud as 
 northern nobility possibly can be, a great deal 
 of clashmyclaver has been issued forth against 
 die aforesaid Reverend gentleman, for pre- 
 suming to please himself without due respect to 
 the family tree. The last class of attendants 
 on the call of fashion had once been numerous 
 in those walls : their number was now much 
 reduced ; for they were neither chamber orna- 
 ments nor virtuosi, and would have preferred 
 a hookar to the finest instrument in the world, 
 and a hubble-bubble to all the toil and trouble 
 of a concert and a ball — men who would not 
 barter a hot curry for a cold and distant 
 Countess, nor exchange Madeira which had 
 passed the Line, for the most honied accents
 
 SOO THE GUARDS. 
 
 which ever fell from female lip *, in verse or 
 prose, in vocal sweetness or in gentle conversa- 
 tion — worthies who knew not a crotchet from 
 a quaver, a tenor from a base, a sostenuto from 
 a shake, nor the most difficult chromatic music 
 from the simplest ballad of street success and ce- 
 lebrity. Thisjunta, distinguishable by livid lips 
 and climate-struck features, communed together, 
 and sought ottomans and corners to converse at 
 leisure on Sincapore and Bombay, tiffing and 
 tiger-hunting ; on bibis and cowlies, palanquins 
 and other matters connected with their former 
 lives and habits, which have been for the most 
 part consumed in mercury and money-making, 
 and which rather unfit them for the chalked 
 floors of a quadrille assembly, and for the simpers 
 and smiles of lady-parties and gilded drawing- 
 rooms. A dingy relative was the last object of 
 
 * A renowned German artist used often to say, " Je 
 ne donnerai pas un jambon de Maj^ence pour la plus 
 belle femme du monde."
 
 TfiE GUARDS. 201 
 
 remark, and appeared like a *'" rara avis in terris, 
 nigroque similima cigno.'''' 
 
 Having thus finally taken leave of the Square, 
 we return, con amore^ to Emma, and to other sub- 
 jects of general interest connected with our work. 
 
 The impression made on young Greenlaw by 
 his friend, both on the road and at the last 
 party which they attended, had shaken his am- 
 bition, and divided his mind betwixt the feelings 
 of tenderness and those of pride. He was will- 
 ing to make a compromise with his heart ; and 
 while he buoyed up his right honourable mo- 
 ther with the hopes of his forming an illustrious 
 matrimonial connexion, he was resolved to lull 
 the doubts and apprehensions of fair Emma into 
 a quiescent state ; and this he could the more 
 easily do, because, having obtained permission 
 of the clergyman to correspond with her, a cer- 
 tain reserve in his style might pass for circum- 
 spection and delicacy. He accordingly wrote 
 rather fuUy to her on the morning after the 
 concert and ball, and persuaded himself that he 
 
 K 5
 
 202 THE GUARDS. 
 
 had now performed all his duties. There 
 were, nevertheless, two objects which perplexed 
 him much: the flirtation with Lady Lydia, 
 which led him into being a daily visitor ; and 
 the dread of his mother's coming to close quar- 
 ters with him — and she was now daily expected 
 in town. He was little short of a declaration 
 with the widow, and yet he meant nothing by 
 it but to feed both her's and his vanity at the 
 same time. He enjoyed very highly the lolling 
 half on his horse and half on her carriage-win- 
 dow in the day, and having his arm and society 
 preferred to less successful swains in the nightly 
 assemblies, public or private, of the beau moride; 
 yet he was all trepidation lest the hour of ex- 
 planation might be at hand: he was treading 
 on a mine which might explode, yet still was he 
 intoxicated by the admiration and notoriety 
 which this adventure procured him. It was 
 whispered in high circles, and talked of at the 
 regiment, so that he was dubious how to pursue 
 his present perilous progress, and how to extri-
 
 THE GUARDS. 203 
 
 cate himself with honour from the difficulties 
 which environed him. 
 
 Thus it is that many a philandering flutterer 
 flits round the flame, endangering the peace of 
 mind of one party, and risking his own safety 
 and happiness through life. Aifairs of honour 
 and legal processes press about him in mena- 
 cing attitude ; and the chance is equal if he 
 escape unhurt, or burn his wings by his te- 
 merity. Just as he is ruminating on all these 
 matters, and casting his eye on a newspaper au- 
 dit, adroitly managed, and such as often pro- 
 motes and pushes on conjugal and less binding 
 alliances — ^just as tvvo duels and swinging da- 
 mages in different causes struck his memory 
 and froze his young blood, the orderly and 
 orderly-book were announced, and the latter 
 pointed out a field-day for the following morn- 
 ing. What a pity that it should come just on 
 the very next morn succeeding a masquerade,* 
 
 * We are quite aware that masquerades have greatly 
 fallen off of late jears, both in interest and in the
 
 204 THE GUARDS. 
 
 where promise had been given to attend ! 
 True ; but duty must not be forgotten ; — be- 
 sides, he began to take a hking for his profes- 
 sion, and much regarded and esteemed his bro- 
 ther officers, whose example had greatly im- 
 proved him. He had the colours, too, to carry 
 for the first time. This was, as it ought to be, 
 considered as a high honour. Eh bieri! he 
 would attend Lady Lydia and the masquerade, 
 and be present at the field-day without going 
 to bed. This was in some shape, 
 
 '^ Partager ma vie entre la Gloire et vous." 
 
 quality of the attendants. The days when an heir-ap- 
 parent used to honour the Pantheon, Opera-House, 
 Ranelagh, &c., with his presence, and when rival duch- 
 esses in beauty and vogue were constant frequenters of 
 the masquerade, are gone by. The noctes Londinenses, 
 which received such support from the wit of Tom Sheri- 
 dan and others, who were noted good characters in a 
 masquerade, (not forgetting Sir Lumley Skeffington,) 
 have also passed away. But rendezvous are occasion- 
 ally made at these places, and high parties go for a 
 whim, as they may to Astley's or any Summer theatre, 
 once or twice in the season. 
 
 k
 
 THE GUARDS. ^05 
 
 CHAPTER XI. 
 
 A FIELD DAY, AND 01 HEK GENERAL 
 
 MATTERS. 
 
 -" The plumed troops, and the big war. 
 
 That make ambition virtue- 
 
 " The neighing steed, and the shrill trump. 
 
 The spirit-stirring drum, th' ear-piercing fife. 
 The royal banner, and all quality. 
 Pride, pomp, and circumstance of glorious war." 
 
 Shakspeare. 
 
 Aboct four o'clock in the morning, our hero 
 handed Lady Lydia to her carriage, and re- 
 turned to the ready-furnished house which he 
 had taken, (for he had just left the Hotel). 
 The faithful friend followed with Maria: and
 
 S06 
 
 THE GUARDS. 
 
 it was agreed that he should accompany his 
 comrade home, and, after two hours' sleep upon 
 a couch, take a warm bath and dress for the 
 field-day. These were young soldiers : some 
 of those who were acquainted with the bivouac, 
 would have considered this a most luxurious 
 night's quarters. 
 
 The hour arrived for the officers' falling in 
 with their respective companies. The comrades 
 galloped down to the parade, dismounted, drew 
 swords, and were about to take their posts : the 
 regimental colour was to be delivered to young 
 Greenlaw, as junior ensign. He would have 
 been prouder of the King's colour, which se- 
 niority would soon procure ; but even the re- 
 gimental colour imposes a weighty duty on the 
 bearer of it : it represents the corps of which 
 he is a member, identifies the signifer or stan- 
 dard-bearer with its honour, interest, and glory ; 
 honour and it must be saved together; and 
 wherever the British flag, whether St. George's 
 banner, the Union, or regimental colour.
 
 THE GUARDS. 207 
 
 floats in the air, they are to be considered, like 
 the Pajiache of Henri Qiiatre — VEjiseigne de la 
 Pictoire, 
 
 Colonel Leadon took occasion, in compli- 
 menting the young subaltern on his carrying 
 the colours for the first time, to observe how ho- 
 nourable a situation the standard-bearer''s was, 
 from the era of Roman glory, when the carrier 
 of the Eagle, the aquilifer, was highly respect- 
 ed, down to the present day ; and he reminded 
 him of Buonaparte''s motto for the flag attached 
 to the standard — 
 
 " Valeiir et discipline /" 
 — no bad lesson ; but failed not to remark that 
 our national motto, 
 
 " Dieu et mon Droit," 
 includes every thing. 
 
 There are two descriptions of Ensigns which it 
 is painful to see : the latter, however, never occurs 
 in the Guards, and the former have a fault which 
 is mending every day : the individuals are, 
 beardless short boys, buckled on to a sword,
 
 208 THE GUARDS. 
 
 and holding England's meteor flag like a monkey 
 playing with a quarterstaff*; and grey-headed 
 subalterns, either risen from the ranks, or kept 
 back by poverty, and thus commanded by 
 young men not arrived at years of discretion. 
 Of the first class, we knew a boy, who, when 
 mounted on horseback in uniform, really looked 
 like General Jacko bestriding a bear, and the 
 dirty children of Edinburgh used to cry out 
 on perceiving him, 
 
 " The puggy and the boar. 
 Never seen before." 
 
 Nevertheless this same subaltern was one of the 
 finest young men in the brigade of troops 
 quartered in and about this capital — and that 
 before he attained his twentieth year. And, 
 touching the aged subalterns of the line, his 
 late Royal Highness of York, with his paternal 
 feeling for the comfort and honour of the ser- 
 vice, prevented, as much as possible, the exist- 
 ence of ancient ensigns, and meliorated the lot 
 of officers who could not purchase ; for which
 
 THE GUARDS. 209 
 
 just and benevolent act, the gallant officer, 
 unprovided with worldly pelf, may say to his 
 shade — 
 
 " Semper honos, nomenque tuum, laudesque mane- 
 bunt/' 
 
 The iield-day was long to officers who had 
 been up nearly all night, or who had passed 
 from the ball-room or gaming-table ; but it 
 was not too tedious to a number, who as- 
 pired to high military reno^\Ti, and who were 
 fond of their profession. And now see a score 
 of handsome officers march to the regimental 
 Barracks, return swords, fall out, and scamper 
 home to their lodgings or houses. " Handsome 
 is that handsome does" is a vulgar ada^e — and 
 a very vulgar one it is : beauty and bravery are 
 not at variance with each other, but quite the 
 reverse ; every Colonel is proud of having a 
 handsome regiment ; nevertheless he is equally 
 proud of its good conduct and discipline every- 
 where and in every possible place. The Guards
 
 210 THE GUARDS. 
 
 have always possessed a handsome body of 
 officers : nor can it be wondered at, where 
 the first families and the most elegant young 
 men of the kingdom have so many induce- 
 ments for entering the Brigade ; amongst which 
 the obtaining military rank appertaining ex- 
 clusively to the Guards, must be deemed the 
 highest imaginable attraction to such as wish 
 to ascend to the summit of their profession. 
 
 After certain civilities and mutual acknow- 
 ledgments between officers of the corps at part- 
 ing at the Barracks, young Greenlaw and Bram- 
 ble wood walked off arm in arm, together with 
 a few more young officers, who were invited 
 to breakfast. The Colonel asked the former to 
 breakfast with him, but he apologized for two 
 reasons — first, because he had invited some of 
 his comrades ; and next, because the Colonel 
 very frequently after breakfast conversed an 
 hour on military tactics ; turned over his fine 
 collection of maps ; and went over the seat of 
 war, both of the Republican and Buonapartean 
 era. To breakfast with the Colonel, a man
 
 THE GUARDS. 211 
 
 would require to be a good hand at drilling a 
 regiment, and a respectable mathematician : 
 now, as few men read professionally until they 
 find the necessity for it, the young hands had 
 no taste for the Colonel's coffee, seasoned by a 
 military lecture. 
 
 A splendid dejeuue a la fourchette was spread 
 for the military party, at which our hero pro- 
 duced his collection of pipes, snuff-boxes, 
 French trinkets, and breed of spaniels ; he also 
 prevailed upon his guests to accompany him to 
 his stables to inspect his fine stud, produced 
 all his sporting tackle, and made a num- 
 ber of little presents, which gained him popu- 
 larity. In truth, now that he had turned a 
 little more reasonable, and more assimilated to 
 his regiment, he had become a great favourite 
 in the corps. 
 
 Before the morning party broke up, the 
 Adonis-like looking Subaltern engaged his 
 friend to breakfast with him next : ''' I 
 cannot give you such a repast as you have," 
 added he, " for I only occupy a first-
 
 S12 THE GUARDS. 
 
 floor in New Bond-street, with a brace of ser- 
 vants — a man and a groom-boy ; but you shall 
 have some Kipper salmon and cold moor-fowl 
 from Scotland ; and I may perhaps show you 
 and our comrade Btamblewood something which 
 may please you." 
 
 They accepted the offer, and were surprised 
 at finding a splendid collection, not of books, 
 but of authors ; and a numerous assortment of 
 rare and expensive arms, both foreign and of 
 British manufacture ; — Indian spears, arrows, 
 match-lock guns, crossbows, Damascus and 
 Solingen blades, a real Andrea-Ferrara broad- 
 sword, a rapier and Toledana from Spain, a 
 stiletto ; together with guns and pistols of ad- 
 mirable workmanship. The taste for study, 
 and for miUtary science, which this young man 
 possessed, convinced our novice for the first 
 time, that manly beauty is not absolutely, 
 although very frequently, an impediment to 
 mental improvement; and that the perfection 
 and moderate ornament of the person are not
 
 THE GUARDS. 213 
 
 incompatible with intelligence, and the pursuits 
 of science and literature. 
 
 At about one oVlock breakfast was over (an 
 early hour for our Exquisite), and every one 
 went his own way, and took his own path of 
 pleasure : — some evinced their skill as dexterous 
 whips, with a pair or four horses ; some as- 
 cended the humble tilbury to make morning 
 calls at the club and billiard-table, tennis and 
 fives-court, to try guns and pistols at the 
 celebrated Joe Manton's, or to attend the Horse 
 Bazaar, TattersaPs, and some auction fre- 
 quented by the purchasers of rare pictures, 
 porcelaine, or jewellery ; whilst others mounted 
 their prancing steeds, and displayed their per- 
 sons in all the places of elegant afternoon resort 
 (previous to dinner, be it understood) ; or 
 lolled in a cabriolet, with a fast- trotting horse, 
 with which assignations might be kept, the 
 beau monde might be contemplated incog. ^ and 
 a loan might be effected by whisking down the 
 New-roadj IsHngton, and City-road, to the
 
 214 THE GUARDS. 
 
 abode of some accommodating bill-doer, dis- 
 counting jeweller, kite-flyer, or some miser 
 money-lender of one of the tribes of Egypt. In 
 these close concerns of cabriolets, a fair female 
 face is sometimes concealed, and the groom is, 
 as in France, perched up behind ; but this 
 is bad taste : it looks so like blending economy 
 with gallantry. Our hero, however, had one 
 of these vehicles, having carriages of almost 
 every description. 
 
 On this day, as well as on the foregoing 
 one, our Guardsman was seen on horse- 
 back, alongside of Lady Lydia's triumphant 
 car, still fanning the flame which he had raised, 
 and she still continuing to consider that her 
 conquest was every hour more and more com- 
 plete. Those love experiments are perilous 
 things, and whilst they are sport to one party, 
 they may prove slow death to the other — him 
 or her who is sincere and deeply wounded. 
 In the present case, there was a great alloy 
 mixed up in the golden ore of fascination on
 
 THE GUARDS. 215 
 
 the lady'^s part : as she got deeper in love, she 
 
 simultaneously got deeper in debt ; and it seemed 
 
 uncertain which state would first bring the 
 
 matter to a close. Each motive is extremely 
 
 cogent ; Love speaks for itself, but Debt is also 
 
 very urgent and eloquent. For as Hudibras 
 
 says — 
 
 " O ! what an amorous thing is want, 
 
 How debts and mortgages enchant." 
 Whilst the Widow was playing this double 
 part, the male flirt was not acting a much 
 truer or opener one. He loved another woman, 
 to whom he would have been united but for 
 pride and ambition ; so he adjourned the en- 
 gagement nm die. He had a sort of tendre for 
 the Widow ; she was in fashion. He swallowed 
 her soft speeches, dwelt upon her preferment, 
 enjoyed the notoriety which they procured, and 
 gloried in the envy which they gave rise to. 
 This was the main plot of the two principal 
 performers. Maria and Bramblewood formed 
 the episode, and acted candidly and after na- 
 ture, as will be seen in the sequel.
 
 216 THE GUARDS. 
 
 On the day succeeding the masquerade, 
 whilst young Greenlaw was like a captive at 
 a conqueror's chariot, the conversation betwixt 
 the first couple of the amatory drama first 
 assumed its usual form. 
 
 " Ah ! you are here at last. I began to 
 think that you had forgotten your promise. 
 I thought that some more attractive engage- 
 ment might have presented itself." 
 
 " That is impossible ! Did you not com- 
 mand me to come ?'"* 
 
 *' Certainly not ! I only wished it." 
 
 " Only wished it ! You know that your 
 Ladyship's wishes are laws to me ; and like 
 those of Lycurgus, (this was a great effort, 
 a happy hit,) such as never can be repealed/' 
 
 " What ! not by the smile of a lovelier fair ?" 
 
 " Indeed, Lady Lydia, it is cruel of you 
 to suppose such a thing; but where must one 
 look for her ?" 
 
 " Oh ! at the Opera ; at the play, or the next 
 masquerade."
 
 THE GUARDS. ^217 
 
 " I am sure, Lady Lydia cannot say that 
 I sought any thing but to please her at the 
 last masquerade.*" 
 
 "^ No, indeed : ^^ou were a dear good soul, 
 most obligingly attentive. I never enjoyed 
 a masquerade so much in my life ; but I fear 
 that I must have been a heavy weight on your 
 arm, and engrossed your exclusive attention too 
 much. It was hardly fair, with so many fine 
 women in the room. I ought to have let you 
 flutter a Httle ; for that divine creature, Byron, 
 asserts roundly, that — 
 
 ^ Love has no gift so grateful as his wings ;' 
 
 and Beaumarchais said long before him — 
 
 Si I'Amour porte des ailes, 
 N'est-ce pas pour voltiger ?' '' 
 
 (( 
 
 That, sweet lady, will apply very well for 
 Love's light infantry, who are fond of rencontres 
 and partial engagements ; but I am a battalion 
 man, firm as a rock, and true to my colours'' 
 
 VOL. I. L
 
 218 THE GUAEDS. 
 
 (she smiled) ; " besides, there are birds which 
 like to dip and skim round Fashion's stream, 
 
 ' Like swallows o'er a lake ;' " 
 
 yet they only thus try the power and buoyancy 
 of their feathers, to return again to the cage 
 where they are willing captives." 
 
 " You are a vei-y dangerous creature."" 
 
 Poor Maria was suffering all this time, nor 
 did this flirtation amuse her in the least. 
 
 " Have you seen your friend to-day ?''^ said 
 she. 
 
 " Oh, yes ! he cannot be far off;" — and up he 
 came at full speed. He arrived just as the last 
 accents of constancy and truth fell from the 
 lips of this gay deceiver. 
 
 " Lord ! how this world is given to lying !" 
 thought he to himself; — "too bad though: 
 
 — poor Emma !'' 
 
 He was now posted at the other window ; and 
 a swarm of Elegants, who were in the habit of
 
 THE GUARDS. 219 
 
 paying their devoirs to her ladyship, bowed and 
 cantered off in despair. 
 
 " C^est line affaire Jinie^''' said one ; " quite 
 
 a constant couple/' " Ay," added another. 
 
 — "A brace of them,'' remarked a third; " et 
 
 je leurs en ai fait mou compliment P'' Little 
 
 did they know the successful cavalier. 
 
 *' But," resumed the flatterer, " how well 
 you bear a night's raking ! the hours are, in- 
 deed, rosy hours with you, for they add roses 
 to that cheek which seemed the day before in- 
 capable of improvement." 
 
 (Her Ladyship pretended to put her hand to 
 her ear.) " I must not listen any longer to 
 you, Signor Cavaliere ; it is enough to turn 
 a poor female brain : we are weak vessels, 
 and honied words are very likely to over- 
 turn our reason: you must not flatter me 
 so, Greenlaw, I don't like it !" — Ye powers ! 
 what a bounce ; she was more than grati- 
 fied. — " You must henceforth speak nothing 
 
 L 2
 
 220 THE GUAllDS. 
 
 but truths: nay more, you must tell me my 
 faults." 
 
 " If I am to tell you truths, I might say 
 ten times more in your praise than I have 
 done ; the last office which your Ladyship has 
 honoured me with, will be a mere sinecure/' 
 
 " Fie, fie !"" exclaimed her Ladyship. 
 
 The evening was coming on, and even the 
 superlatively tonish people had almost all quit- 
 ted the Park to dress for dinner. Younff 
 Greenlaw was to dine at a club-dinner; and 
 Lady Lydia was engaged to her brother, a shy 
 and retired character, who very much disap- 
 proved of her extravagance and flirting, and 
 
 had not invited her last favourite : " But,"''' 
 
 (beckoning her beau back at parting), '* where 
 shall we meet to-morrow .'*'" 
 
 " It is dull Sunday," observed her Cavaliere 
 servente. 
 
 " Never mind that," replied she ; " dine 
 with me, and I will take you to a Sunday 
 School at Lady Reversie''s."
 
 THE GUARDS. 221 
 
 " I could not endure that !'' uttered her 
 spark in a fright. 
 
 " You don't understand me : the old Lady 
 gives Sunday's card parties to novices, and 
 keeps the house by them. Don't fail to come ; 
 seven is our dinner-hour — eleven, her Lady- 
 ship's time of meeting : I will take no ex- 
 cuse ; and bring the second Grandison Avith 
 you T" — so she nicknamed Bramble wood; — " and 
 there we will talk over all about that dear 
 masquerade. Au revoir I Do take care of 
 yourself !" 
 
 He put her glove to his lips. " I wish you 
 had said ' For my sake P " 
 
 " ^Ve]l I do, if that will make you happy ."^ 
 
 " Decidedly so !"' and he put spurs to his 
 Arabian. 
 
 " Upon my soul, " said his friend in a severe 
 tone, " this is too much ! it is unhandsome 
 to this lady, and shameful on Emma's ac- 
 count !" 
 
 " They manage these matters much better
 
 222 THE GUARDS. 
 
 in France, my dear fellow ; and now I wish you 
 good day." They wheeled about, and separated. 
 This was the first time that any thing like 
 alienation took place between these young 
 friends. Herbert was too leger at this time 
 to feel the thing much : he was intoxicated by 
 the worst species of intoxication, namely, by 
 success, by vanity, and such inebriation of the 
 mind as ruins the best natural disposition in the 
 world. And whether this arise from the intoxi- 
 cation of power, rash success, admiration, or 
 female favour, matters not ; the senses are all 
 in a state of insane heat, and reason is absent 
 from its post ; nor is it possible that female 
 favour, or female admiration, can be too tem- 
 perately used, too delicately felt, or too highly 
 valued. 
 
 Honnei(7' aux Dames.
 
 THE GUARDS. 223 
 
 CHAPTER XII. 
 
 A LECTURE ON FLIRTATION IN GE:"^RAL; 
 A SUNDAY school; AND AN EVENT. 
 
 *• Belle parole e cativi fatti 
 Iffannano savi e matti.*' 
 
 Italian Proverb. 
 
 ^^ Fair words and evil deeds, with specious lies, 
 Humbuo: the unlearned and deceive the wise." 
 
 What is flirting ? — An innocent custom ? No. 
 The small change of conversation "i No : it is 
 a counterfeit, and therefore ought not to pass 
 current. It is a custom : so much the worse :
 
 224 THE GUARDS. 
 
 — of foreign origin : ta7it pis. What is meant 
 by it ? Nothing. That is false ; it is intended to 
 deceive, and dulce est decipere in loco. It passes 
 off an hour: yes, but not blamelessly; it is 
 calculated to mislead, to ruin, to undo. When 
 flirts meet, it is diamond cut diamond; but it 
 often happens that one is the deceiver, the other 
 the victim, and that, if criminality follow not 
 this fashionable artifice, the young mind is 
 woundef^, and the old flirt laughs at the mis- 
 chief created. What are the elements of flirta- 
 tion ? Flattery. What are its component 
 parts ? Shreds and patches, a little quotation, a 
 little prose and verse, a little novel-plagiary, 
 French anjj. English, nonsense, fiddle-faddle, 
 hacknied repetitions, or fresh falsehoods. So it 
 was with the seemingly rich vein of our hero : 
 the laws of Lycurgus made a great appearance, 
 but, unfortunately for its originality, it had 
 been said sixty years ago by Beau Nash, the 
 master of the ceremonies at Bath, (that ancient 
 arbiter elegantiarum,) when a countess wished
 
 THE GUARDS. 225 
 
 him to allow the dancinor to continue after mid- 
 night ; the inflexible Nash, however, made the 
 rule absolute. It was the same t;nng with 
 the dipping and skimming round Fashion's 
 stream ; this was equally borrowed. He stole 
 it from an admirable song of Morris'*s, but 
 which, instead of making metaphors in favour 
 of constancy, turns his simile the very contrary 
 way ; the lines are — 
 
 cc 
 
 My Muse^ whene'er her wings are dry. 
 
 No frolic flights will take; 
 But o'er the bowl will dip and fly, 
 
 Like swallows round a lake. 
 For me, the lighter head I wear. 
 
 The lighter hangs my chain. 
 And this I hold a reason clear 
 
 To fill my glass again.'' 
 
 These lines, however, are too nervous for the 
 nambypamby of flirtation, coquetting, philan- 
 dering, or whatever the beau inonde may prefer 
 calling it ; nay, their tendency did not suit the 
 present purposes of this gay deceiver. 
 
 Half an hour after the appointed time for 
 
 L 5
 
 226 THE GUARDS. 
 
 Lady Languish"'s dinner, her soi-disant Jidel 
 berger arrived. He never could keep to time ; 
 not even love or vanity could bring him to it : 
 an inveterate and invariable habit of keeping 
 people waiting, or of coming in the last at a din- 
 ner, or at any party whatsoever, gained him the 
 nickname (in time) of the late Captain Green- 
 law. He made the usual trifling excuses for 
 his want of punctuality, when his amiable 
 hostess observed, " It is a mere trifle, a few 
 minutes, a thing that an indifferent person 
 would not have perceived, — but — (languish- 
 ingly) — " Oest une eternite pour V amour. ^ 
 
 Her Ladyship had been most unmercifully 
 dunned on the Saturday ; she had even had 
 Sunday calls; her brother had refused her a 
 tenth loan, and gave her a very lengthy lesson 
 on the subject of her expenditure : he blamed 
 her also for breaking ofi* with Sir John Jogtrot, 
 their county member, after all but fixing the 
 day. Her reason was his having only four 
 thousand per annum, whilst her present lover
 
 THE GUARDS. 227 
 
 had five times as much in expectation ; and she 
 would be not overnice in running him into 
 debt during his father's life: particularly as she 
 thought that she could get him into the house, 
 and so see out the old gentleman before the 
 next session; for when great people are in debt 
 and in expensive habits, they think nothing of 
 seeing out the relations from whom they have 
 to inherit, nor (if backed by a Peerage or a 
 seat in the Lower House) of seeing in — to prison, 
 or the workhouse, their needy creditors v/ho are 
 most pressing. In addition to the misery of 
 duns, she had no ready cash to carry on the 
 war with, and she had exhausted all her am- 
 munition of promises to get tradesmen's sons 
 provided for in the revenue, (the Peace havmg 
 cut off the rich resource of the navy and army) 
 or of getting their children into the Blue-coat 
 School. It is true that she had fulfilled some 
 of these promises, having family and personal 
 interest, — for who can refuse a pretty woman, 
 nobly born, an accomplished female professor
 
 228 THE GUARDS. 
 
 of the art of enchantment, and the best and 
 most expensively dressed woman in town ? But 
 for one promise which she had performed, she 
 had broken half a dozen, and thus made many 
 enemies, and drew down severe rebukes, harsh 
 threats, and unmannerly epistles. 
 
 Thus desperately pushed, she had only a 
 husband or the Continent to choose between ; 
 nay, it required money to go to the Continent, 
 and her annuity was now received by her credi- 
 tors : besides, she could not bear the expose of 
 her carriages and horses being sold after her 
 departure, even if she got an appraiser to ad- 
 vance her the price of her furniture on a Satur- 
 day evening, previous to a (not very unusual) 
 Sunday's departure, with four horses, a hired 
 travelling carriage, and a man and maid in the 
 confidence of the party escaping, and who may 
 betray their trust, or, if they keep it, become 
 saucy and insatiable ever after. A husband 
 would be the effectual and legitimate means of 
 building up her dilapidated finances, which
 
 THE GUARDS. 229 
 
 were now so low, that she actually hired her 
 oi^« jewels from a person with whom they were 
 pledged : she was, notwithstanding, so good a 
 general, that not one soul of her acquaintance 
 knew, nor even suspected her real circum- 
 stances. She regulated her operations with 
 such consummate skill, that none but her cre- 
 ditors were acquainted with the strength of her 
 purse : just as an able commander of an army 
 makes such demonstrations of giving battle as 
 keep the enemy in fear of a general attack, at 
 the very moment when the skilful tactician is 
 retreating in good order ; or as an experienced 
 old spendthrift orders a new house to be built, 
 or his park to be enlarged, whilst he retires, 
 with this happy deception, in the front of the 
 enemy, and takes up a strong position in the 
 dominions of his Most Christian Majesty. 
 
 Lady Lydia had not yet come to entertain- 
 ing money-lenders, nor to making unbecoming 
 condescendences to her tradespeople ; neither 
 did she owe more than a year's wages to her
 
 ^SO THE GUARDS. 
 
 servants, who made large gains and perquisites, 
 not directly from her purse, but indirectly 
 through her medium ; to wit, from the well- 
 furnished cellar and larder, from visitors and 
 card-money, as well as in presents from fresh 
 tradesmen, anxious to be employed, and in the 
 drawback upon every article of the house-con- 
 sumption. Thus, often, are the domestics rich 
 whilst their employers are ruined ; and such is 
 the elastic and extending conscience of the for- 
 mer, that they consider all this as fair game : 
 they are the most clamorous and vituperating 
 of all the master's or mistress's creditors ; and 
 " It is a hard and shabby thing'' (they tell all 
 the world) " to defraud a poor servant of his or 
 her wages," although faithful John can afford 
 to give a thousand pounds for the good-will and 
 lease of the sign of the Two Pigeons, (my lord 
 and my lady, no doubt,) besides putting in fur- 
 niture, ale, wine, beer, gin, corn-brandy, com- 
 pounds, and other combustibles; and although 
 we find Mrs. Flottant just set up (after the
 
 THE GUARDS. 231 
 
 flight of the family) in an extensive boarding- 
 house, or letting expensive lodgings in some of 
 our watering-places. 
 
 There was not a moment to be lost by the 
 widow : she accordingly resolved on bringing 
 her swain to an unequivocal explanation — " He 
 must declare himself," as marrying misses and 
 intriguing mammas say, and who are sadly mor- 
 tified if a renegade flirt insipidly reply, " / de- 
 clare I do not understand you.''' 
 
 She wanted, at the same time, to marry off 
 Maria ; and the better to accomplish her views, 
 she resolved on first adopting that stimulating 
 kind of conduct, which, aided by the sparkling 
 glass, might move a rock ; and secondly, if 
 this failed, she had in reserve the power of 
 jealousy, which she would excite by flirting 
 with Sir John at the Sunday-school; and 
 lastly, if the ingrate declared off (a thing which 
 she believed to be impossible), she might per- 
 haps still get the Baronet, and borrow money of 
 him in the mean while. The worst of all
 
 232 THE GUARDS. 
 
 however was, that she had fallen into her own 
 snare, so that she was now actually in love with 
 the Guardsman, and truly hated her county- 
 member. 
 
 She was not so inexperienced a stager as to 
 have a party to meet her favourite ; neither 
 could she allow Maria to be Mademoiselle de 
 trop : she therefore got two little nephews to 
 occupy her attention, Bramblewood being really 
 confined from indisposition. It is a sad thing 
 to be Monsieur, or Madame, or Mademoiselle 
 de Trop ! The De Trop family is large ; all 
 inspectors-general of other people's concerns be- 
 long to this name : all intruders on a tete-a-iete ; 
 young ladies and gentlemen whose time hangs 
 heavy, and who do not calculate that the 
 visit-ed party has none to spare ; bodkin in a 
 post-chaise or other carriage, or the third in a 
 walk ; one who rides up to dame et cavalier, and 
 makes himself quite welcome and at home, 
 when, perhaps, les affaires du cocur are in 
 discussion, or a system of manoeuvring is the
 
 THE GUARDS. 233 
 
 subject-matter of discourse — all these are in- 
 cluded in the family of De Trop. But what a 
 fine eye an old stager has, so as never to be de 
 trop anywhere ! — half a glance will make the 
 discovery. 
 
 Lady Lydia left Maria at home, that her 
 plans at Lady Reversie's might be carried on 
 with less observation, provided that her attempt 
 to bring the youth to an explanation should 
 fail. An elegant petit diner was provided, to- 
 gether with most delicious taste-wines ; for she 
 had gone round in her carriage to different 
 wine-merchants, and ordered samples, promising 
 her custom to each, if the quality should prove 
 superior on trial. This is one way of getting 
 credit when it grows slack ; and it has another 
 useful tendency — it ensures a good article ; no 
 merchant sending out any thing but his best on 
 trial, whereas a speedy change is generally ex- 
 perienced by those who purchase large quanti- 
 ties, unless the vender have an old established 
 name to keep up, or the purchaser be of that
 
 234 THE GUARDS. 
 
 exalted cast, as to rank, condition, and pay, (for 
 all three need to go together,) which makes the 
 merchant dread to lose his custom, and fearful 
 of the influence of his recommendation and 
 connexions, which, if diverted to another chan- 
 nel, would prove a very considerable loss. The 
 young soldier said the prettiest things imagina- 
 ble during dinner ; spouted theatrically from 
 two or three plays in his mistress's praise ; 
 swore that he never relished a dinner so much 
 in his life ; that Verez, Robert, and Beauvil- 
 liers, could not beat it ; observed that the soup 
 was parfaite, and a fricassee, au possible: he 
 called the wine nectar and ambrosia, a beverage 
 fit for the gods of the Greeks ; and as it began 
 to take some effect, he added, that so it ought, 
 as she was the Goddess of his Idolatry. She now 
 left him alone with her pretty nephews and a 
 supply of the choicest juice of the grapes of 
 France, Spain, and Italy, begging him to help 
 himself, and she would announce the coffee 
 to him very shortly. She employed this time 
 in adding irresistibilities to her person. He was
 
 THE GUARDS. 235 
 
 then summoned to attend ; and did not fail to 
 assure her that she looked divinely. 
 
 " I have," said she, " nevertheless, doubts, 
 dreads, cares, and anxieties, which chase sleep 
 from my eyehds, and which even intrude when 
 you are present to beguile the hour that other- 
 wise would be o-iven to thoufrht." 
 
 He did not take — " I hoDe not," was the 
 
 1 ' 
 
 unexpected word of comfort. 
 
 '' Helas ! ouir 
 
 *' I am very sorry for it." 
 
 Hov/ provoking ! 
 
 A tear had now stolen into her eye: (there are 
 enchanting women who have them at com- 
 mand ; in some they denote the storm ; in 
 others, gentle, but genuine warmth.) He was 
 now aware of the drift of this, and he was de- 
 termined to avoid the eclaircissemeiit : so, affect- 
 ing kindness and levity together, a mixture a 
 la Fraucaise, he shook her by the hand, and 
 said, " You are a dear, dehghtful woman, and 
 it is a pity that you should know care or sor- 
 row but by name." Then striking his repeat-
 
 236 
 
 THE GUARDS. 
 
 er, " By Jove, how late ! I had no idea of it." 
 The carriage was in waiting, and Madame 
 bounced out of the room : female indignation 
 possessed her soul, but she must hide it. '' Poor 
 thing ! she is vexed at something.*" Then turn- 
 ing to the harpsichord, " A piece of Beethoven''s, 
 by all that 's pretty !" He hummed a bar, (it was 
 a hum.) " Poor devil, I understand that he is 
 in the deepest distress at Venice, (Would he have 
 relieved it.?) It's a d — d shame, an't it .f^ But 
 I wish our dear friend would make her appear- 
 ance, I cannot stop all the evening at the Sun- 
 day-school." Lady Lydia re-appeared in lovely 
 serenity. " Now you look like yourself;"" and he 
 handed her to her carriage, and accompanied her 
 to Lady Reversie's. Four whole hours ! and he 
 had not popped the question. No ; it is a serious 
 pop — a pop which cannot be redeemed. Her last 
 arrow was now in her quiver, — to make him jea- 
 lous : she would try it. 
 
 After the usual introduction, which was less 
 ceremonious than elsewhere, each took a place ;
 
 THE GUARDS. 237 
 
 for the circle made a convenience of Lady Re- 
 versie's house, and she drew a revenue from the 
 party. It consisted of battered beaux and tab- 
 bies, who passed tlieir mornings in scandal and 
 their nights at cards ; to whom were added green- 
 horns who knew not how to dispose of their 
 Sunday evening, and were contented to meet 
 a few titled people and the handsome widow, 
 and to pay for the evening's entertainment. 
 The old lady generally won at a round table. 
 Ecarte she understood ; Vingt-et-un she was 
 lucky at ; and at Commerce, instead of three 
 hves, she had as many lives as a cat — between 
 those which were dealt to her, those which she 
 played for others, and those which were given 
 to her by those who pretended to be tired of 
 the game, and wished to do her a good turn. 
 
 Shortly after the entree of the Midov/ and 
 her beau, she left him at the card-table, and 
 went over to a corner of the room, where the 
 county-member had just located himself after 
 losing a rubber. She shook hands with him
 
 238 THE GUARDS. 
 
 with the greatest apparent cordiality : the 
 simple man was delighted. After saying many 
 agreeable things to him, she appeared to be 
 in the most serious and deep conversation. 
 The Guardsman had now been forced to take 
 a hand at loo, and did not half relish this di- 
 vision of female attention ; moreover, he wished 
 to show his ascendency over the greatest belle 
 in the assembly: he therefore gave a gentle 
 but familiar beckon, and a glance of the eye, 
 pointing out that he wished her to come and 
 sit by him. This was unheeded in the first 
 instance, and, at the second telegraphic sig- 
 nal, not answered by a sportive, warm smile, 
 meaning to convey, "My heart is with you, 
 but can''t come just now — must endure this 
 for a few seconds:" — the language which it 
 conveyed was, " No indeed, I cannot be your 
 slave — I have something more solid to attend 
 to :" — and in fact, although her affections Avere 
 on the other side of the house, yet interest for 
 a moment cried " here 's metal more attractive."
 
 THE GUARDS. 239 
 
 Her swain felt downright hurt ; and was so 
 occupied with looking and making signals, and 
 raising up his eyebrows, that he knew not what 
 he was about, and of course lost his money. 
 
 During this interval, her Ladyship persuaded 
 the honest Baronet that the cause of her neg- 
 lect, and, in fact, dismissal, was care, anxiety, 
 and her own imprudence in slighting her best 
 friends for all the gaieties of town. This was 
 what she intended to have said ; but the good- 
 natured man stopped her at the word impru- 
 dence, and sighed out, " If it is onli/ money. 
 Lady Lydia, you may command me, in the 
 most disinterested way, to any extent. Doubt- 
 less you have been duped — your youth, your 
 inexperience — I '11 pay the money ; so cut "with 
 it." 
 
 What a prize in life's lottery ! — how unex- 
 pected ! — She dared not to reveal her difficul- 
 ties, for fear of losino; the second strino; to her 
 bow ; but this happy turn was truly wonderful, 
 and it still left a certain independence. A
 
 240 THE GUAEDS. 
 
 woman of fashion may lose a large sum at 
 p'ivate play, and still not be ruined ; whilst 
 he who advances the dross, has a claim on her 
 gratitude at least, as a certain noble of Hebraic 
 extraction well knows. 
 
 " Would one thousand — (the words all singly 
 drawn out, and their effect marked with the eye) 
 — would one thousand inconvenience you ?^' 
 
 *' Not a bit ; nor two." 
 
 Now, there was something shabby in the two ; 
 it was not lover-like, but Coc/cer-like ; — ten 
 would have sounded prettier. 
 
 *' And I will repay you when and how you 
 like/' 
 
 Here again he interrupted her, and the in- 
 terruption brought him near to the card-table ; 
 for the moment she had gained the promise she 
 was eager to walk him off, for fear of a parley 
 about securities, and to induce him to fly off, 
 write the draft, and leave it at her house, that 
 she might get the matter settled early next 
 morning. The celerity of this movement brought
 
 THE GUARDS. 241 
 
 two bodies almost in contact— the lending 
 body and the jealous body; and just as an 
 echelon movement, with *^ right shoulders for- 
 ward," gained a free passage, the Baronet ut- 
 tered these important and alarming words — 
 " Repay me by a smile, when and where you 
 will ; I shall feel overpaid.*" 
 
 Lady I.ydia had shuffled him past her swain, 
 who considered this as a signal to cut; and, 
 having overheard the fatal sound, he gloomed 
 on her approach, looked distant, pretended to 
 mind his cards, and, the moment the game 
 was over, made a speedy retreat v/ithout taking 
 leave of her, and looking indignantly at his 
 last would-be disdainful glance. 
 
 She had succeeded in raising jealousy, and 
 what was more urgent, she had also suc- 
 ceeded in raising the wind ; but she dreaded lest 
 this double-headed shot might have done too 
 much execution, and have killed her hopes, 
 where she only meant to wound her amoureux's 
 sensibility. She now felt more than ever at- 
 
 VOL. I. M
 
 242 THE GUARDS. 
 
 tacbed to Herbert Greenlaw ; and, having ef- 
 fected tbe loan, sbe resolved to keep ber old 
 suitor in long expectation : he was a quiet 
 patient man, and could (she calculated) bear a 
 little trial. She reflected once more that she 
 had raised, or re-kindled a flame ; but a war 
 with the elements is a dangerous experiment. 
 He or she who breaks down a bank laved by 
 a strong river, has much to apprehend lest in- 
 undation ensue. The course of a stream may 
 be diverted ; but it becomes a very tragical di- 
 version, if it spurn control, and cannot be either 
 arrested or directed in its course. Thus it also 
 is with fire, which, when it displays a com- 
 manding aspect, is a mortal and most dangerous 
 foe. Let ladies be cautious of playing with 
 flames, and of raising sparks into them ; they 
 may all on a sudden take a fatal course, the 
 least foreseen, and most contrary to intention. 
 
 Much would our fair lady have liked an 
 explanation with the favoured one : his abrupt 
 departure agonized her. She soon complained
 
 THE GUARDS. 243 
 
 of a nervous head-ache, made her adieux, and 
 was banded to her carriage by the puny-look- 
 ing boy in the Coldstream. " Tell your com- 
 rade,'' said she, in a sweet, persuasive tone, 
 which iine women always have when, quitting 
 the imperative, they resort to the optative mood, 
 — " tell your comrade, when you see him, that 
 I am very ill. 
 
 l^^ 1' 
 
 M 2
 
 244 THE GUARDS. 
 
 CHAPTER XIII. 
 
 LOVE QUARREL AND RECONCILIATION. HER 
 
 RETROSPECT OF THE MASQUERADE, AND 
 AN ARRIVAL. 
 
 fC 
 
 Res est solicit! plena timoris Amor.** — Ovid. 
 
 Lady Lydia's abilities in the cabinet might 
 have fitted her for a ministerial employment ; 
 but she had unfortunately brought her heart 
 into the field, and she had lost it. The draft for 
 a thousand was now on her toilette-table ; but 
 the monied interest could not counterbalance 
 the weight upon her spirits, which the fear of 
 losing the man of her heart had imposed upon
 
 THE GUARDS. 245 
 
 them. We leave it to the more skilful in these 
 matters to decide why ; but certain it is, that 
 money commands not love, and that the pay- 
 master — spouse or lover — loses ground before 
 the winged idol, whose only notes are the pro- 
 missory ones of an eternal flame, — a firm upon 
 which I would advise novices in arte amandi 
 not to place too much credit. Some pressing 
 demands were satisfied, and the money disap- 
 peared, and with it all remembrance of the hand 
 which lent it. Delicacy forbade him to call 
 for three or four days ; and then Champagne, 
 her tall footman, told Sir John, that " Mi Ladi 
 n^est pas visible :" — neither were the means of 
 payment. But if oblivion of one impression 
 had taken ofi* her powers of remembrance,— 
 bitter regret, impatience, and anxiety, had taken 
 possession of them at the same time. 
 
 She was about to write to her cruel one, when 
 his friend Bramblewood called. " Let him in !" 
 was accented from the staircase* He mounted 
 quatre a quatre ! Never was man so welcome.
 
 246 THE GUARDS. 
 
 Maria's heart leaped in her bosom, and sparkled 
 in her eye ! Lady Lydia flew to meet him, 
 with — " My dear Grandison, you are the very 
 man I want. Now don't stop talking an hour to 
 Maria ; you know, that she esteems you. But 
 where is Greenlaw ? inhuman creature ! When 
 did you see him ? What have I done to him ? 
 Does he never mean to see me ? Will you call 
 on him for me ?'' — Here she wept sincerely. 
 
 The kind-hearted Bramblewood was melted 
 by this appeal. He forgot all her levity, all her 
 coquetting, and saw nothing but lovely woman 
 in distress, — that gentle being made to temper 
 man, and of whom it is truly said and sung, 
 that — 
 
 " There 's a charm in woman's eye, 
 A language in her tear." 
 
 He therefore, after striving to console her, set 
 off with all possible haste to find his friend. 
 He beheld him casting up a memorandum-book, 
 which contained a lengthy list of losses at 
 Brookes' s, the Union, and other clubs, together
 
 THE GUARDS. 247 
 
 with the nightly mischief at Crackpurse's. 
 The moment he entered the apartment, he 
 thus accosted him : — 
 
 " Upon my hfe, Herbert, I know not what to 
 say first to you ; whether to reprehend you 
 severely for your heartless conduct to Emma, 
 to lecture you for the evil you have done to 
 Lady Lydia, or to advise you touching the 
 rage for play, which is of late gaining such 
 ground with you. The second subject, how- 
 ever, is the most urgent ; and, as I am deputed 
 to call upon you for an explanation on that 
 head, I must begin there." 
 
 " I have lost many thousand pounds amongst 
 them," replied the Guardsman, affecting to 
 wave the subject ; " and although my Got 
 vernor o-ave me unlimited credit on his banker, 
 the house, friendly to the old Gentleman, and 
 astounded at my heavy drafts, has just noti- 
 fied to me, that they must write home be- 
 fore they make any farther advances. I shall 
 therefore write to my mother, and assure her
 
 248 THE GUARDS. 
 
 that all this has been lost in the first com- 
 pany; and I am sure that she will make all 
 right/' 
 
 " I dare say she will ; but how can you 
 make all right ?*" 
 
 " Canst thou not minister to a mind dis- 
 eased ?" 
 
 " How will you restore the bosom''s peace to 
 two injured women : one of them, the pearl of 
 innocence, to whom your faith is plighted ; the 
 other a more artful being, but who has fallen 
 into her own toil, and has now become the 
 victim of your criminal assiduities and false 
 flattering tongue." 
 
 " Upon my soul, my friend, it requires 
 jome temper to listen to such strong language 
 as this ; and, entre deux officiers of so celebra- 
 ted a corps, I have known gunpowder to be 
 burned for much less."" 
 
 *' As you please touching that matter: but, 
 previously to our meeting, be good enough to 
 tell me what I am to say to Lady Lydia. She
 
 THE GUARDS. 249 
 
 is in an agony at your neglect, and wishes to 
 see you." 
 
 " Why, my brave fire-eater, I have not the 
 least idea of fighting you ; but you know I 
 detest dry lessons. If her Ladyship is really 
 sorry for flirting with an ugly fellow, and so 
 over head and ears in love with my unworthy 
 self, tell her that I should be delighted to be 
 reconciled, and that I will almost break my 
 best horse'^s wind in galloping up to her house." 
 
 " Very well, Sir !" — and he was preparing to 
 withdraw. 
 
 " Nay, now, my dear camarade, that is 
 ill-natured. I am a mad-cap of a fellow ; but 
 I see my folly daily. Shake hands," (they did 
 so,) '^ and I will be with my adorata in one 
 hour from this moment, although now in my 
 night-gown and slippers." 
 
 He went accordingly. On his appearing 
 at the door of her boudoir, she held out her 
 snowy hand like a flag of truce. It was im- 
 possible to renew hostilities after that. He 
 
 M 5
 
 250 THE GUARDS. 
 
 therefore pressed it to his hps ; and each said 
 the finest things in the world, both in expla- 
 nation and mutual kindness. The youth pro- 
 posed a morning excursion, in which he was 
 to be the Phaeton entrusted with the reins. * 
 His fall was not similar to that of the impru- 
 dent daring youth in question ; it was, how- 
 ever, only deferred to a future occasion. Du- 
 ring the course of three turns up and down the 
 Park, with the eye of examination on them, 
 the subject of the delightful masquerade formed 
 the main object of their conversation. 
 
 '' How soon we found out Lord Horseman, 
 in his fancy dress of a Spanish Cavalier/' said 
 the fashionable charioteer. 
 
 " A self-sufficient old ci-devant beau /" re- 
 plied the happy Lydia. " One whom fortune 
 has always favoured, and who is everywhere, 
 and in every thing, either as a mute or as a 
 make-weight. He began by running away with 
 
 * (C 
 
 Inque diem alipedum jus et moderamen equorum."
 
 THE GUARDS. 221 
 
 an heiress; next (in our grandmother's days,) 
 gave a splendid carriage, which cost above seven 
 hundred guineas, to a famous courtesan, who had 
 once enjoyed royal favour : then he got in suc- 
 cession a variety of posts of the first honour 
 and importance in the State; and nov/, in the 
 days of his age, he is in the Cabinet, the Senate, 
 the Lieutenancy, high patronage, and It seems as 
 if the ministerial wheel could not turn without 
 him : thus, you see, it is better to be born lucky 
 than wise." 
 
 " The next who came within our discovering 
 eye," continued she, " was of a very different 
 order of being. His selecting the dress of an 
 Irish chieftain was rather ill-advised ; he has no 
 pedigree to boast of : and I remember, in a scur- 
 rilous paper, which made a list of ministerial 
 running-horses, the mask in question was set 
 do^vn as An Irish hack, Dam and Sire un- 
 known : but I can tell them, in the lansjuacfe of 
 an eminent French author, (much as I stand up 
 for family,)
 
 2I5S THE GUARDS. 
 
 ■ " Qui sert bien sd patrie, n'a pas besoin d'ayeux." 
 
 The abilities of the Right Honourable George 
 Classic are of a very superior mould : to a fancy 
 the most adorned, and a genius the most delicate 
 and refined, he unites a strong mind, and colossal 
 intellectual powers ; so that whilst he indulges 
 in the flowers of rhetoric, which spring sponta- 
 neously from the rich soil of his imagination, he 
 is a close reasoner, a graceful declaimer, and 
 carries conviction and admiration together. I 
 am told he is a very superior classic ; I know 
 that he is an elegant poet : his manners are 
 easy and well-bred, and he possesses all the 
 domestic virtues. I cannot say that I admire 
 Madame as much as himself: her pride is ex- 
 cessive, and it would be well if she could bor- 
 row some of her husband's temper ; for, as to 
 his amiability in private life, it is equal to his 
 supereminence as a public character. Had he 
 gone to the masquerade as Apollo, he would 
 have been quite at home ; his light would have 
 shone forth as such ; moreover, no one has been
 
 THE GUARDS. S53 
 
 more attentive to the Muses and the Graces 
 than himself: — or had he represented Ulysses, 
 renowned alike for wisdom and eloquence, for 
 persuasion and generalship, it would have done 
 very well; but he was quite lost as an Irish 
 chief, the merits of which character are entirely 
 forgotten in our day.'' 
 
 " You say right, my dear Lady : by this 
 light ! you are as clever as you are beautiful/' 
 
 " But shall you ever forget the two brothers, 
 Billy and Jemmy, coming in eii Domino, icithout 
 their masks ; and the attack made upon them by 
 one of the writers of the Age ? 'I know ye 
 both,' said the wit ; ' although you have put 
 on those ugly masks. Why, Sir William Tur- 
 tle, you ought to have assumed the character of 
 Bardolph, and your brother that of Ancient 
 Pistol, or the Ghost of the Departed Elephant, 
 whose proboscis you certainly have got, in- 
 stead of coming here as gentle dominos like 
 other people ; for you are of a peculiar race, 
 which, by the way, might make you very use-
 
 254 THE GUARDS. 
 
 ful to a market-gardener : the one to exhibit 
 that astonishingly preposterous cucumber in re- 
 presentation of a nose, the other to look over 
 it, and witli the inflammation of his counte- 
 nance to bring it to that most astounding ma- 
 turity. — By the way, the Knight is the most 
 amusing fellow of the two ; he says so many 
 bright things — such as the bright enigma 
 upon sparrowgrass ; his toast when the ladies 
 wore short waists, viz. — ' The present fashion, 
 plenty before us, but no waste ;*" — with many 
 other things equally talented. Then, he never 
 knows nothing about the matter ; never stands 
 no nonsense in the House, but gives his vote 
 there plump outright^ upright and downright, 
 as a body may say. An illustrious personage 
 can only find amusement in him, as Henry the 
 Fifth used to be entertained at the oddities of 
 Sir John FalstaiF, and Bardolph too." 
 " Ha ! ha ! ha ! — admirable, by Juno !" 
 " We were a long time,"*"* resumed Lady 
 Lydia, " annoyed by the stupidity of Mr. Gives,
 
 THE GUARDS. 255 
 
 before we could make him out : to be sure, his 
 disguise as an old English gentleman puzzled 
 one, naturally. As for the Englishman, he 
 certainly is so, but the gentleman sat uneasily 
 on him : if he would stick to the Cit, he would 
 be a decent sort of fellow, but he must come out 
 with nobility ; and ks nobles make a butt of 
 him. He has pride enough to court high com- 
 pany, but not sufficient to disdain being an ob- 
 ject of newspaper, or gaming-table ridicule. 
 These commercial men will get into our society ; 
 and it inevitably occurs, that they burn their 
 finsrers somehow or other. Gives takes care of 
 his cash, but he is quite forgetful of what he 
 otherwise owes to himself." 
 
 " Who was our fat friend whom vou honour- 
 ed with an acknowledgment, and who was hang- 
 ing; on the arm of a Scotch duke ?''"' 
 
 " Let me see — oh ! that was Lord Newmar- 
 ket, a man who was born a Baronet, but stepped 
 into the peerage by succession to a cousin. 
 He made a high matrimonial alliance, and mar-
 
 ^6 THE GUARDS. 
 
 ried into one of the most virtuous and noble 
 families in the three kingdoms; but his rage 
 for horse-racing will, I fear, ruin him in time ; 
 it makes his lady, a daughter of the Duchess 
 of Oldstyle, very unhappy. Some people call 
 him a good husband ; others raise on dits re- 
 specting the widow of a foolish baronet, and 
 sister to the bold and mad Lady Bannister. 
 
 When his liOrdship was plain Sir , he 
 
 was a much more rational being than at pre- 
 sent.'' — But at this moment the Duke of St. 
 Ives passed by. " He, too, was at the mas- 
 querade, habited as a gentle shepherd," ex- 
 claimed the fair widow ; '* and on his arm Mrs. 
 Banco, as a gentle shepherdess." 
 
 '* Why, you don't mean to insinuate that 
 she expects to get a ducal coronet, bi/ hook or 
 bj/ crook r 
 
 " No ; I think she is only vain of high com- 
 pany. If Mrs. Banco does right, she will 
 preserve her independence. Apropos! what 
 would some young Hussars give for the gentle-
 
 THE GUARDS. 257 
 
 manlike appearance of the mustachio on her 
 upper lip ! — and," added the satirical lady, 
 for her portly appearance." 
 
 " Portly ! by the God of War ! I think she 
 has B. rum appearance : she looks like a puncheon 
 full of that potent fluid — exciseable, by all 
 that 's pretty !'' 
 
 " But not seizable.''^ 
 
 " I don't know ; it would be a great seizure ; 
 a very rich prize — ha, ha, ha !" 
 
 The important hour of dressing-time arrived. 
 The reconciled lovers were to meet again at an 
 evening party; and, strange to tell, the gay 
 deceiver had got wiled into a certain degree of 
 passion and penchant for the widow ; which, 
 for a whole fortnight, made him entirely forget 
 Emma and Lover's Vows. A variety of occu- 
 pations amused his time, and he v/as in a kind 
 of perj:>etual waking dream : — another day on 
 Guard, where, the officers being all young, he 
 was not bored by military tactics or learned 
 conversation ; the Clubs ; Crack purse's ; fresh
 
 ^5S THE GUARDS. 
 
 credit on the banker's, growing popularity, and 
 town amusements. But if he was lulled into 
 security and oblivion, the fair dame was in a 
 very different situation; the thousand pounds 
 were expended, and she wanted more. The 
 Baronet was importunate in his morning calls, 
 although not at home awaited him at every 
 visit : he was now becoming furious, and per- 
 ceived that he was played upon. The lady, 
 too, was growing au desespoi?' ; for in no meet- 
 ing whatever would her Btrger come to an 
 explanation. The word wedlock, together with 
 all allusions to the subject, were studiously 
 avoided, or skilfully parried if brought on 
 the tapis. Upon one occasion, he went so far 
 as to treat the chains of Hymen with great 
 levity and disrespect, by quoting the old hack- 
 nied, but very dangerous maxim of Eloisa, — 
 " Love free as air at sight of human ties/' &c. 
 
 to which he added the grand apology for wrong, 
 in the flaming numbers of the Italian bard : 
 " Si '1 peccar e si dolce^ il non peccar si necessario."
 
 THE GUARDS. 259 
 
 Whether this was done as an expeiiment we 
 know not, but it displeased mightily ; and 
 qualify the matter how we may, it would be 
 difficult to bestow morality or principle upon 
 either quotation. 
 
 The disappointment arising from this want 
 of decision on the part of the youth, although 
 his attentions continued to be of the most 
 marked and assiduous cast, nay, even although 
 he had redoubled in tendres soins, — added to the 
 status quo of the financial system, rendered a 
 grand effort absolutely necessary. Her lady- 
 ship's plate, but for the thousand pieces of the 
 county member, would have been taken in 
 execution ; and the not being able to meet ano- 
 ther instalment payment would very shortly 
 bring a fresh expose : she therefore resolved on 
 making a grand attack — she would write to her 
 swain, and bring him at once to a declaration, 
 or the giving up of her sweet society. She 
 could assume an impassioned style as well as any 
 one, and now she was in earnest about the matter.
 
 a60 THE GUARDS. 
 
 What facilitated this negotiation greatly was, 
 that young Bramble wood had explained himself 
 fully to tlie fair object of his devotion, and 
 had solicited her hand. The unmamed widow 
 retired to her dressing-room, there to pen the 
 important document ; and, at the same time, 
 invited a large and brilliant circle to a last 
 party, in which she had contrived to assemble 
 every charm and witchery of which she was 
 mistress. Her lover would be there present, 
 and he would have had a day to reflect on the 
 contents of the epistle. This party would, pro- 
 bably, fix her lot ; and if unsuccessful, she had 
 nothing for it, but to fly precipitately to the 
 Continent. 
 
 The letter, and the invitation to what she 
 called an impromptu, went together ; and within 
 an hour after, an event of great moment to our 
 hero took place. A courier arrived at the 
 family house in the Square, and announced that 
 Lady Gertrude was within a few miles of the 
 capital. She would be an able minister of
 
 THE GUARDS. 261 
 
 State; her house would open to all that was 
 great and fashionable. How to break to her 
 his present dilemma would be difficult ; for, if 
 she approved of the match, what was to become 
 of Emma ? If she disapproved of it, what was 
 to become of both ? 
 
 END OF THE FIRST VOLUME. 
 
 LONDON : 
 PRINTED BY S. AND R. BENTLEY, DORSET STREET.
 
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