THE UNIVERSITY 
 
 OF ILLINOIS 
 LIBRARY 
 
 V. I
 
 Digitized by tlie Internet Arcliive 
 
 in 2010 witli funding from 
 
 University of Illinois Urbana-Champaign 
 
 http://www.archive.org/details/historyoftomfool01stev
 
 THE 
 
 HISTORY 
 
 O F 
 
 TOM FOOL. 
 
 (.^^^^c^5mim^.m?^m^m^.
 
 THE 
 
 HISTORY 
 
 V 
 
 O F 
 
 TOM Y 6 ^ L. 
 
 More knows Tom Fool, than Tom Fool knows. 
 
 "^te'-^ftn^^.OT^ f\. 
 
 V 6 L. 
 
 
 LONDON: 
 
 Printed for T. Waller, oppofite Fetter- 
 Lane, Fleet-Street. 
 
 nvIDCCLxT

 
 'REASONS for Publifiiing 
 this BOOK. 
 
 ^^HERE is a certain Period of 
 Time, Metaphyficians predicate by 
 ' this Term, Anxious Space. 
 
 This Vacuum is the half Hour im- 
 J mediately preceding Dinner •, when Di- 
 ^amonds fcratch Safh- windows, or deco- 
 jrate Drinking-glafTes ; when Plates are 
 ' turn'd round upon Forks, and the Infide 
 of French Roles moulded into Geome- 
 ^ical Trapeziums. 
 
 \ At that Time, all the Englijh World 
 is, — a — I don't know howifh. 
 
 Therefore this Book is recommended 
 to be bought by all Families, Unchri- 
 ftian, as well as Chriftian -, and one 
 Chapter of it to be then ferved up, by 
 Way of Whet. 
 
 147731
 
 In the Prefs, 
 And fpeedily will be Publiflied, 
 
 THE 
 
 History of the Present War, 
 By jMy. R O L T.
 
 C the'* 
 
 HISTORY 
 
 O F 
 
 TOM F O O' L. 
 
 CHAR I. 
 
 A R I O U S are the Opinions 
 of Authors, concerning the 
 Origin of this Family. Some 
 fuppofe it derived from a 
 Bartard of the Phrygian Tho- 
 gorma, as Fcfms, Caufaben, &c. &c. 
 
 Others relate it was an adopted Child, 
 Son to the Wet-nurfe of Afcenez the Ar- 
 menian^ who founded the Kingdom of 
 ^yhracc^ and was the firft Monarch, as 
 B Qro-
 
 . c2c ';,.<^T^c;s ; History of 
 
 Ciymovius reports, who kept Fools about 
 him for State -, juft as the Fafhion is now 
 to keep Women of the Town for Shew. 
 The Italian: think us a Nation of 
 Fool.-j i but that Opinion arofe from the 
 Ingratitude of their Eunuchs and Fid- 
 dle-players i who, after getting ten or 
 fifteen Thoufand Pounds here, in about 
 fix or feven Years time, return to their 
 own Country, build themfelves fine 
 Houfes, and over the Street-door, or 
 Porch, they all put up this Infcription : 
 
 • A X G. S T u L, M D. 
 That is •, 
 
 The Folly of the English People 
 erected this.builping. 
 
 Now the Multitude of French People 
 who live among us, in the different Avo- 
 cations of Cooks, GovernefTes, Pimps, 
 Hair-cutters, Prieils, Spies, Dancing- 
 mafbers and Card-players, dare not 
 openly call us Fools ^ but they make ufe 
 of a Term equally deriding. \ They call 
 an Englijhman^ Jack o Rorji Beef^ which 
 fignifies, in their Language, Jack an 
 Apes'i for they receive it as an uncontro- 
 verted Point of Belief, that no Perfons, 
 but Fools, woujd feeJ upon roail Beefi 
 or, tliat fee<iing uppa roaft IKeej, makes 
 us allfoe ' ■ . 
 
 Indeed
 
 T O M F O O L,» 3 
 
 Indeed there are feveral Branches of 
 the Fools among us ♦, it is the moft pro- 
 lific Family exifling. Nature making 
 amends for the Deficiency of Head, by 
 a Superabundancy in other Parts. 
 
 It is impofTible to afcertain what 
 Kingdom the Family of the Fools moll 
 properly appertains to ; like the Origin 
 of the venereal Difeafe, each Country 
 gives it to the next •, therefore I am of 
 the fame Opinion with Camhden and Sir 
 William Dugdale^ who affert, that the 
 Title, Fool, or la Fools^ is like Cuckold, 
 and Homo^ a Name common to all Men. 
 
 The Hero of this Hifcory was Son to 
 S\v PhilpGt Fool \ a Gentleman defcended 
 from the amorous la Fools. He had a 
 vaft Eftate, and did a vail deal of Good; 
 for he kept open Houfe every EIe6!:ion, 
 and never fat down to Dinner vnthout 
 fome of the neighbouring Gentry or 
 Clergy taking a Bit and a Bottle with 
 him. It is ill Breeding not to drink 
 with your Friends -, therefore Sir Pbilpot 
 making a Point of it (bting the beft bred 
 Man in the World) his Friends were al- 
 ways drunk with him. 
 
 To this Day they tell many merry 
 
 Stories of the mad Pranks played at his 
 
 Houfe •, and there is to be {ten at the 
 
 Parfonage, the true Portraits of him and 
 
 B 2 his
 
 4 The H I s t r y o f 
 
 his Companions, with an Infcription un- 
 der each, denoting the Accomphfli- 
 menfs wherein they excelled ; and for 
 which they were tranfmitted down fa- 
 mous to Poilerity. 
 
 Imprimis. The Baronet; he once drank 
 2 2 Pints of Milk -punch before Break- 
 fafr ; and could carry a red-hot Poker 
 round the Room betwixt his Teeth. 
 
 2d. Was Parfon Squah^ a fix Bottle 
 Man, and the befl Player at Buzz in 
 feven Counties. 
 
 3d. Was 'Squire Squelch^ the great 
 Brandy-drinker. He could bite an Inch 
 of Tobacca-pipe into 3 z regular Pieces. 
 
 4th. Was Mr. Stale, the Oriober Man. 
 He could fLand three Minutes upon one 
 Leg on a Quart Bottle. 
 
 5th. Was Tom Tartar^ the Whetter. 
 He could fay the Belief backwards. 
 
 The lall was George Joll)\ the Half- 
 pin ter •, who could chalk under-leg far- 
 ther than any Man in the North of En- 
 gland. There never. was fuch. a Set to- 
 gether before, nor fince. They were as 
 famous as Alexander the Great : Black- 
 beard, the Pirate : Lewis the Fourteenth, 
 or tlie Mahometan Wire-dancer. 
 
 When Tom was big enough to go to 
 School, Sir Philpot determined to make 
 Choice of a Mafier for him ; but not by 
 
 any
 
 TOM FOOL. 5 
 
 any Perfon's Recommendation. No, he 
 knew the World : was not to be hum- 
 med •, People will be partial to their 
 Friends, and puff them off, therefore 
 he would himfelf judge of their Merits. 
 But the Gout would not then permit him 
 to converfe with any of them, vha voce\ 
 and he was at a Lofs NVhere to meet 
 with any living School mailer's Vv^orks 
 worth looking into. For, upon my Flo- 
 nour (obferved the Baronet) their put- 
 ting together fpeliing Books, Dicliona- 
 ries, numerical Pieces, ele6lrical Obierva- 
 tions, and i^nigmas in the Fady's Di- 
 ary, makes me fick. There is not one 
 of them can pen a good Advertifcmeiit:. 
 Then calling for the News-papers, he 
 fwore his Son fliould be fent to that 
 Mafler whofe Stile was the mod claffi- 
 cal. After a little Search, he met with 
 one beginning thus. " Juveniles induvSled 
 *' through all the Rudiments, Theo- 
 " rems. Corollaries, Syllogifms, Pof- 
 
 " tulatas" Ay, ay, this will do, this 
 
 will do, Sir Pbilpot cried out ; and 
 ringing the Bell, ordered two Horfes to 
 be faddled immediately, and his Son was 
 fent that Day to be educated under the Au- 
 thor of the above-micntioned Paragraph. 
 Tom^ by the Opennefs of his Difpofi- 
 tlon, became the Butt of the whole 
 B ^ School.
 
 6 Thi History of 
 
 School. The elder Scholars availed 
 themfelves of his Simplicity *, when he 
 had Money, they borrowed it -, when 
 he had a Prefent, they fhared it : He 
 ibon acquired the Nick-name of good- 
 natured To77i, Juft as People in high 
 and low Life charadlerife their Friends, 
 by the Appellations of fluttering Sam^ 
 limping Joe, deaf Harry^ Boh the Au- 
 thor, or Scholar IVilL For Perfedions, 
 or Imperfedions, are equally Objedls of 
 Contempt and Ridicule. No Wonder, 
 then, that Tont's Nick-name grew into a 
 Proverb •, and hence we can account for 
 the Synonomy between the Terms of 
 Fool, and good-nalur'd Fellow. 
 
 Tom FooFs Miflrefs hated him, be- 
 caufe he v/as a better Scholar than her 
 Nephew. Befides, he would never clean 
 her Cloggs, which the other Boys were 
 always ilriving to do -, then the Boarders 
 ufed to get to Bed to the Maid Servants, 
 and Tom would not •, fo the Girls hated 
 him. He led a fad Life among them 5 
 though the bell Boy in the School, he 
 was ufed as the greatefl Delinquent ; 
 fo true it is, what that great Metaphyli- 
 ciun, Virgilius Maro^ has obferved, that 
 One Man may Ileal a Horfe fafer than 
 another fquint over a Hedge-row. . 
 
 CHAP.
 
 TOM FOOL, 7 
 
 C H A P. II. 
 
 TTp HERE lived near the Place, an 
 X old Woman, Ginger-bread Seller 
 to the junior School-boys ; to her Tom 
 Fool went one Morning very melan- 
 choly, and when fhe enquired what 
 made him fo caft down •, he replied, 
 " Indeed, Dame, I am not well ufed \ 
 " every Body at our Houfe takes againil 
 " me, and yet I always do my Talk -, 
 " and there are a great many Gentle- 
 " mens Sons at our School, befides me,« 
 *' and they never mind their Books -, 
 " only Tom Fool^ and only Toyn Fool is 
 " ill ufed for it •, Is not that very hard r'' 
 
 *' tndeed, it is ^anfwered the old Wo- 
 " man) but don't cry, you'll make a 
 " better Man than the bed of them." 
 
 *' Lord, Dame, what fignifies what 
 " Sort of a Man I make ? If my Papa 
 *' had but left me a Fortune •, I a'nt 
 " fuch a Fool, neither, I know that. 
 " (Thus Tom^'t^xx. on) Why, it was but 
 *' Yefterday you faw thofe two Gentle- 
 " men all over Lace, that got us half a 
 '' Holiday. For all they looked fo finc» 
 " and my Mafter and our Ulher made 
 *' them fo many Bows ; why, they could 
 " neither of them read Erafmus. I faw 
 ' ' ♦ B4 "them
 
 8 The History of 
 
 '' them both look over one that lay in 
 •' Billy Birch's Place j and one faid to 
 '' the other (fwearing a great Oath) 
 ^' Prithee, Jack, V/hat Book is this ? 
 ^' You came from College fince me, 
 " and you know I never ftudied any 
 '' Claffics, hut Bacchus 2Lnd Venus -, and, 
 '' indeed. Dame, they are. not Books, 
 '* but a Heathen God and Goddefs \ 
 '' then the other made Anfwer, turning 
 '' over a I.eaf or two. This, this, this, 
 '' is aq intimate Acquaintance of mine •, 
 " dear Cicero^ many an Hour have I 
 '* fpent with him : Ay, ay, this is his 
 ** Oration againft Hippoplayius^ one of 
 *^ the Triumvirate. Now you mufc 
 ** know. Dame, this was only a Story in 
 *' Erafmusy about a Florfe Jockey ; but 
 *' they knew no better ; for the other 
 *' curfing himfelf (for they curfed and 
 " fwore at every Word) Well, fays he, 
 " Jack^ its a \Vonder to me, how you 
 '^ can remember fo much ; for, I don't 
 " think, ail the Time we were at SlueerC^ 
 " together, you v/ent to Bed one Night 
 " fober, except the Month we lodged 
 " at the Surgeon's. So 1 told my Ma- 
 " fler and our Ufiier about this, and 
 " they huffed me, and faid I was. a 
 " Fool ; and. then they met the two 
 '' Gentlemen again, and made them a 
 
 ^** great
 
 TOMFOOL. 9 
 
 " great many more Bows ; and told 
 '* their Honours (as they called them) 
 '* that their Honours were great Scho- 
 " lars. But I don't believe, either of 
 " their Honours know what Part of 
 " Speech Bern t as is." 
 
 *' BleiTings on thee. Child, it does 
 " my Heart good, to hear thee talk fo 
 " fine *, tho', God help me, I never 
 " was Quality learned, to be fure. But 
 " what did your Mailer fay to you af- 
 *' ter they were gone r" 
 
 *' Say, Dame, I was fent for up into 
 " the Parlour, and my Mafler's AVife 
 " began upon me, So Mr. Critic, thele 
 *' Gentlemen were not Scholars good 
 '' enough for you ? Indeed, Madam, I 
 
 '' faid —but Hie would not let me go 
 
 *' on, but (lamping her Foot, and looiv- 
 " ing as red in the Face, as if ilie hid 
 " jull drefied Dinner ; What, fay^^ ib^, 
 " am I to be interrupted by fuch an in- 
 " fignificant Thing as thee art ? A Ho- 
 " iid^y ? Yes, fo you fhall have one. 
 " My Dear, I infill: upon his being 
 *' locked up in the Wood -room thi^ 
 " Moment, till Bed-time. , Don't you 
 " think, Mr. Minus (fpeaking to our 
 " Ufher) that he deferves it r Why, 
 '* really (fays he) the Boy has incurred 
 *' a angular Punifnment, in Refpe.^, 
 B5 ''• that
 
 lo The History of 
 
 " that his Crime is duplex or bifold ; 
 *' (I remember the very Words, Dame) 
 " it was a Piece of Prophanenefs, for a 
 *' fnotty-nofed Urchin like him, to 
 '' depreciate the Erudition of either 
 " tiie honourable Mr. fFilliam, or his 
 " Honour, Sir Tborms. Why, Ma- 
 ''• dam, they have the Right of Prefen- 
 ^' tation to Livings of 1200I. ^er 
 " Jnmim" 
 
 " So, without any more Words, 1 
 " was locked up among the Lumber, 
 " not having one Bit of the Holiday, 
 " therefore I am refolved to flay no 
 
 longer.' 
 
 „Tcm was as good as his Word, for 
 he immediately went to Mr. Frivil, the 
 Philofophical Lecturer, who had main- 
 tained Tom at School after the Deceafe 
 of Sir Philpot, Mr. Frivil was Keeper 
 of the Cockle-fbells to Lady Dowager 
 Grotlo ; and, on To?n Poors coming to 
 him, he made him his Fungus gatherer. 
 Tcni's Patron, juft before Parliament 
 meeting, fet out for London^ to get Sub- 
 fcriptions for a curious Work he had 
 compiled, in four Volumes Quarto ^ de- 
 dicated to the Royal Society, called a 
 Mathematical Inveftigation of the Game 
 of Biihards. 
 
 He
 
 T O M F O Q L. II 
 
 He would have taken Tom with him, 
 but Mifs Fajh^ Lady GrottS Daughter, 
 defired Mr^ Frivil to fpare her the Lad ; 
 and, in his Abfence, fhe made Tom 
 Keeper of her Chine fe Curiofities \ with 
 a Promife of promoung him to be her 
 Mama's Butter-fly Catcher for the ea- 
 fuing Summer. 
 
 B 6 C H A P.
 
 12 The History or 
 
 CHAP. III. 
 
 ON Sunday Evening, juft as Lady 
 Grott was fet down to the Bragg 
 l-ab!e-, a MefTenger came to inform her, 
 that Sir Tafty^ her Son and Heir, was 
 arrived in London from his Travels, and 
 propofed being down at the Hall in about 
 three Weeks. Immediately Orders were 
 given for his Reception j every Perfon 
 in the Fam^ily was full of Expectations 
 to fee what a fine Gentleman Mafter was 
 grown ; as great Expectations had been 
 railed about him in London, before his 
 Arrival there. The noted Pimps had 
 prepared new Faces for him ; the Gam- 
 blers made Preparations for him ; the 
 tip-top Women of the Town prepared 
 themfelves for him, and the Surgeons 
 were in Expectation when he fhould be 
 prepared for them. 
 
 After the Baronet had properly run 
 through all the Talle Emoluments, viz, 
 fubfcribing to Mr. Pond and the Opera, 
 Hazard, Criticifing, Pitting, Challeng- 
 ing, Turtle-earing, beating the Rounds, 
 Keeping, Bagnios and Injecl:ions, he ar- 
 rived at his Birth-place. The Bells rung, 
 the Ale was given away, the Clergy 
 dined, the Gentry danced, and, accord- 
 ing
 
 T^O'M FOOL. ij 
 
 mg "^^ to- the News-Papers, the Evening 
 concluded, &c. &c. &c. 
 
 In a few Days after Sir 'fafi/s Ar- 
 rival, Mifs fpoke to her Brother in 
 Praife of Tom's Diligence -, the Baronet 
 ordered him to be called up, and liking 
 his Anfwers, made him immediately his 
 Cockchafer Feeder. 
 
 Tom foon grew to be the bed Feeder 
 in the Country -, his Chafers would fpin 
 longed, and he was very remarkable for 
 one -particular Sort ; they were the din- 
 gey-blue-brindled Gingers -, and herein 
 I mud diffent from the learned Bootle- 
 rhis^ tho' he was often a Witnefs of their 
 Copulations (as himfelf obferves) yet he 
 mull be miftaken, when he aflerts the 
 Nutmeg -grey-pyeball-ftea-bitten - brafs- 
 wings to be the bed. 
 
 Torrfs Way of trying a new Sort was 
 thus ; as foon as he found a Ned, he 
 rook one of the full-grown Ones, and 
 dicking a Hook through it's Tail, hung 
 it with its Head downv/ards, and then 
 began to prick it with a Pin ; now if the 
 Chafer fpun till it was dead, it was a 
 good Ned, and Tom kept the whole 
 Brood to do the fame •, but if it would 
 ■not fpin till it was dead, but die Dung- 
 hill, bleed to Death without turning, 
 then Tom took them (by his Honour's 
 
 Order)
 
 14 T H ^ H I Sf T owtLYr\ o jp 
 
 Order) and threw them into the Hog;^ 
 lly, for the Pigs to devour. 
 
 One Day, as "iTom was Chafer-hunt- 
 ing, he found under a Ihady Hedge, 
 a young Woman feemingly very fainr, 
 and by her two Children, the. eldeft not 
 above two Years of Age. 
 
 She made her Cafe known tq him > 
 «pon the Inilant he ran to a Farm-houfe 
 jufb by, got his Coat-lap full of Viduals, 
 and a Jug of Beer in his Hand, dowa 
 he fat, and dined with the poor Jialf-fa- 
 miihed Travellers. 
 
 After Tom had cagged up his Chafers, 
 Mr. Fofs came by •, People of his Cloth 
 are very curious j he demanded to know 
 what Tom was after. Young Fool ex- 
 plained to him what his Bufinefs was of 
 Cock-chafering, which made Mr. Fofs, 
 lifting up his Hands and Eyes, thus de- 
 liver himfelf. 
 
 " Is it poflible ? Can Men delight in 
 " fuch excruciating Amufements ? O 
 " Animals of InfeHcity ! O ye hard of 
 " Heart, ye Time deftroying Inquili- 
 " tors ! Do thefe Reptiles we torture, 
 ^' wrong us ? Are they able to cope with 
 " us ? Should we not rather afTift the 
 " Weak ? Does not our holy Religion 
 " teach us ? Muft not we cherilh the 
 
 " Dif.
 
 TOM FOOL. 15 
 
 ^' Diftrefled ? Are we not commanded 
 " to relieve the Wretched?" 
 
 After the Gentleman had finifhed his 
 Declamation, young F^^/ addrefled him 
 in Behalf of the poor Woman and her 
 two Infants -, begging the Vicar to give 
 her Half-a-Crown. Mr. Vofs reddened 
 at the Infolence of the Demand y but 
 then reflecting who fpoke it, and foir 
 whom it was fpoke, bisRefentment fub- 
 fi ded into Contempt -, and darting a 
 Sneer as he fide-long glanced his Eyes 
 on fuch low-life Objects, he fpurred on 
 his Horfe, calling out, Oh Fool ! Fool ! 
 Tord FooU indeed. 
 
 Tom condudted the poor Woman to 
 the Town, where his Mailer, Sir 'Tafty^ 
 kept his Chafers. On the Road fhe told 
 him that was the Place of her Nativity ; 
 for "Tom had not minutely enquired into 
 her Story, becaufe, as Mr. Metaphor^ his 
 Schoolmafter, obferved, repeating Dif- 
 rreffes, is only chewing the Cud of Mis- 
 fortunes. Away walked I'om with the 
 two Children, that their Mother might 
 come on the fader \ and leaving the Fa^ 
 mily in the Public Houfe he twirled his 
 Chafers at, he ran up Town to make a 
 Colledion for them, telling every one 
 he afked, how happy he thought him-
 
 iS The History of 
 
 fcif, to be out that Day, or elfe the 
 poor Babes might have been ilarved. 
 
 He got Money, more or lefs, from 
 every one he petitioned, he was fo be- 
 loved ; the Town's-folks all declared, it 
 was out of Regard to him, that they 
 gave the Money •, as to the Beggar- 
 Wench and her Brats, they were no- 
 thing to them, neither did they care 
 what became of them -, which is, in- 
 deed, a prudent and proper Way of 
 Thinking ; and the only Way I know 
 of, to prevent the Prefervation of thofe 
 Swarms of Indigents, which, at pre- 
 fent, infeft the more happy Inhabitants 
 of this Metropolis ; and, I humbly move, 
 that the Clergy, Gentry, and Men of 
 Learning, will, hereafter, be as llre- 
 nuous in their Endeavours to cancel all 
 Symptoms of Pity among their Ac- 
 quaintance, Dependants and Menials, 
 as they have been to baniOi the Remains 
 of Wit and Humour. So fnall we foon 
 arrive at that noble Ferocity, which was 
 fo confpicuous in the Sentiments and Be- 
 haviours of our great great Grandfa- 
 thers, the Golbs and Vandals 
 
 CHAP.
 
 TOM FOOL. 17 
 
 CHAP. III. 
 
 TOM FgoV% Benignity was not 
 view'd in a quite right Light ; 
 for next Morning a felecl Veftry was 
 called, and the Churchwardens rounded 
 ^om for bringing a frefh Charge upon 
 the Parifh. " She was born here," an- 
 f we red T^cm^ " Was fhe fo ?'* replied 
 Mr. Townckrk^ Where's her Certificate? 
 Born here ? Tes, fo all the Beggars in 
 England may fay, No^ no^ that Fetch 
 vjon^t do, for the Statue in that Cafe made 
 and provided, 
 
 Tom. 
 What fignifies talking of Law, this 
 is a Cafe of Confcience ; all the Town- 
 folks know her, it is Mr.Bonville's Daugh- 
 ter who, went away with the Captain. 
 Churchwarden, 
 Then let her go away with the Cap • 
 tain again i fhe fhan't quarter herfelf up- 
 on us. No, no, thof the Parliament 
 makes us take Care of the Red-coats, 
 they fhan't make us take Care of the 
 Petticoats \ ha, Mr. ^ownclerk^ ha, ha, ha. 
 Tom, 
 I wonder how you can be fo merry, 
 Mr. Churchwarden^ about a fine Family's 
 falling to Decay, 
 
 Church-
 
 i8 The HisToav of 
 
 Churchwarden, 
 
 A fine Family, truly, and fine Work 
 they made. What a Raquet the Squire 
 ufed to keep about Members of Parlia- 
 ment ^ I was his Butler then j it would 
 have grieved any Body to the very Soul, 
 to fee the Wafte of Wine at his Hall at 
 Eleftion-time ; I thought what it would 
 come to, indeed, and fo I told him af- 
 terwards, when he came to borrow lool. 
 of me upon his own Bond, and feemed 
 to think I had a Right to lend it him, 
 forfooth -y becaufe he happened once to 
 give me an old Houfe, that coll me 
 more in Repairs than it was worthy and 
 a Piece of Land I never had a good 
 Crop off from ; fo he thought I muft 
 ruin myfelf for him •, but as to his 
 Daughter and her Baftards-^ — 
 Overfeer. 
 
 1 don't believe any People in the 
 univerfal World are fo troublefome as 
 your decayed Gentlefolks ; they never 
 think how they ufed to make us drudge 
 about for them ; up early, and dowh 
 late j racketting here, and riotting there. 
 *Tis true, indeed, we got good Vaiki 
 but what then ? A Man mought as well 
 be a Galley . Slave at An^iers^ as a Ser- 
 vant, if it was not for the Perkifits •, but 
 AS to this Beggar-wench and her Wheips.
 
 TOM FOOL. 19 
 
 Don't give yourfelf any further Trou- 
 ble about them. Fll take Care of them. 
 Overfeer, 
 You? - 
 
 Tom. 
 Yes I ? 
 
 Overfcer. 
 I am fure you'll be a Fool if you do. 
 
 Tom. 
 Yes, thank God for it, I am one. 
 
 Townclerk. 
 Well, but, hark you, my Spark ; 
 What Security will you give the Parifh r 
 For Security we will have, and good Se- 
 curity, I afllire you. 
 
 Tom. 
 
 Here's my Security [pulling cut a 
 
 Letter^ this is from Sir Tajly^ by Lady 
 
 Grott's, Order •, it is to all my Lady's 
 
 Tradefmen, to let Mifs Bcnville have all 
 
 convenient NecefTaries. There, read it. 
 
 Townckrk. 
 
 Why, indeed, Mr. Fool {pulling off his 
 
 Hat'] this alters the Cafe •, my Lady and 
 
 his Honour are charitable People, yfr, 
 
 and I hope God will blefs them for it 
 
 (ecchoed Mr. Churchwarden) where is 
 
 Mifs Bonville and her pretty Bahes^ poor 
 
 Creatures^ here^ Beadle^ go take them to 
 
 my Houfe^ and let my Wife make them up
 
 20 The History of 
 
 fome Linnen •, fretty Innocents^ I fuppcfe 
 the dear Children are half naked^ as ijuell 
 as the young Lady^ their Mama. 
 
 rilgo (cried out the OYtx{t^.x) and fetch 
 Mifs Bonville to my Houfe •, poor Gentlezvo- 
 ?nany it is a fad Cafe^ for fo fine a Lady to 
 meet with Misfortunes^ it pinches them 
 clofer than one of us -, Til go for her. Away 
 went he, and the Veftry all feparated, 
 all full of Preparations for Mifs Bcnvrlle -, 
 and away fkipped 'Totn Fool^ overjoyed 
 that Mifs and her little Ones v/ere to be 
 taken Care of, and bent his Courfe to 
 Dinner v/ith that Felicity of Mind, 
 which is feldom enjoyed by Men of great 
 Senfe •, the Violence of their Under- 
 flandings never permitting them to be 
 fo weak, as to rejoice at the Happinefs 
 of their fellow Creatures, if they them- 
 felves reap no Benefit by it. 
 
 CHAP.
 
 TOM FOOL. 21 
 
 CHAP. V. 
 
 DUring the Veftry Meeting, Lady 
 Grottoes Woman, Mrs. Flims^ 
 came to the Churchwarden's, in Com- 
 pliance with -an Invitation fhe received 
 the Day before in Writing, on the un- 
 printed Side of one of Madam Tbrumm*s 
 Hufband's Tobacco Papers. 
 
 For Mafter Bi/iy ^brumm being jufl 
 out of his Time, his Mamma was re- 
 folved to have a P.out to celebrate his 
 Freedom ; and her Spoufe, Mr. Church^ 
 warde}?^ dealing in Rabbit Skins, and 
 the Warehoufe at that Time being 
 empty, fhe infifled upon having the 
 Card-tables fpread there *, becaufe, fhe 
 faid, // was a fweet fuller Place ^ than 
 where Madam Hipfliott the Overfeer's 
 Wife kept her's \for all Madam Hipfhott'x 
 Vijitors flayed at Cards in the Place where 
 Mr. Hipfhott made his Candles ^ and it 
 fmelt worferer nor Afifettiti. 
 
 With a becoming Dignity Mrs. Flirns 
 Hepped from the Poft Chariot \ and 
 with equal Grace Madam Thrumm re- 
 ceived her at the Shop-door, ufhered 
 her along Side the Counter, kicked the 
 empty Butter Firkins out of the Way, 
 fcolded her Apprentice fornot removing 
 -^rM ?1- the
 
 22 The History of 
 the Nail-bag 5 and with much Difficulty 
 indu6le4 her Vifitant into the ftrong 
 Water Clofet. After recruiting their 
 exhaufled Spirits, thus began the Mif- 
 trefs of the Rout. " Lawd, Ma'am, 
 " who'd believe it, but Tom Fool that 
 " lives at your Houfe, has brought a 
 " a Beggar-woman to Town with two 
 " Children ; not that I believe the Fel- 
 " low had a Finger in the Pye, neither, 
 *' tho', to be fure, he is a likely Man to 
 " look to, if he wa'nt fo mifchieving." 
 Mrs. Flims. 
 
 O yes, indeed, I'om came begging 
 for um at our Houfe. 
 
 Mrs. Thrunun, 
 
 Well Ma'am, as fure as you are there, 
 I happened Yeflerday to go to look at 
 fome Chinefe Patterns ; becaufe, as how 
 I intend to fit our Pulpit up partly in 
 the Chinefe manner. So hearing of this 
 beggar Creturr, our Sexton's Wife de- 
 fired me to go and give her a Look. I 
 could not be fo ill-bred to deny our Sex- 
 ton's Wife, fo I went ^ it was but two 
 Doors off, and I intended to rate the 
 Huffy for her Imporance, to bring her 
 Baftards upon my Hufband's Parifh ; 
 but, indeed, when I came to fee the 
 Children, they looked pretty enough to 
 be of an honeft Man's getting j and then 
 
 their
 
 TOM FOOL. 2g 
 
 their Mother feemed to be in a fickly 
 Sort of a Way, fo T could not be angry 
 with her. I am a Fool to be lure, I am 
 too good-natured for that Matter •, fo I 
 only told her, fuch brazen Faces ought 
 to be alhamed of themfelves, and axt 
 her what could put it in her Head to get 
 Children ; that it was owing to fucb 
 Sluts as her, that many an honeft Woman 
 came off fo much the worferer. I charg- 
 ed her to do fo no more ; for poor Peo- 
 ple had no Bufinefs to get Brats for their 
 Betters to maintain. 
 
 Mrs. Flim. 
 Well, dear Madam, it makes me 
 fmile, indeed, when I think of fuch 
 vulgar Folks getting Children ^ nay, I 
 wonder how they can have the Af- 
 furance to go about it ; it's immenfeljr 
 fhocking, 1 vow, to think that low-life 
 Creatures fhould be indulged with going 
 to Bed together, as if they were Gentle* 
 folks. Why, it was but t'other Day, 
 our Shepherd was Handing againft our 
 Pantry Window with his Wife, as he 
 calls her •, and fhe had the Confidence to 
 give him a Kifs, and told him fhe loved 
 him •, as if fuch Animals as Ihe could 
 love, or was rnade to lov.'^ ; or had any 
 Bufmefs with what belonged to their 
 
 Betters.
 
 24- The History of 
 
 Betters. She did not fee me, indeed, fo 
 I took no Notice of her. 
 Mrs. 1'hrum, 
 
 Indeed, Madam, you was in the 
 Right of it, not to mind fuch Ruptalls ; 
 they are Vermun to be fure ; I would 
 not Hve upon the Face of the Earth, if 
 I thought I was made o'the fame Mould 
 as fuch Raggamunduffs •, but as I was 
 faying about ^om FooU he's a good-na- 
 tured Fellow, to be fure, and every Bo- 
 dy loves him in our Town, but if it had 
 not be^n for me, my Spoufe, Mr. Thrttm^ 
 would have come to your Houfe, and 
 have told his Honour all about Horn's 
 bringing this beggar Woman upon my 
 Huiband's Parifh. 
 
 Mrs. Flint. 
 
 Indeed, Madam, I am very glad Mr. 
 Churchwarden did not come \ for, be- 
 tween you and me. Ma'am, but I beg it 
 mayn't go no further •, Tom muiln't be 
 touch'd in our Houfe. 
 
 Mrs, "Thrum. 
 
 Dear Mawm, but, I hope you don't 
 think me a Blab thof as for that— But, 
 Ma'am, now 1 think on't, you have not 
 been here fince I made my Cherry Bran- 
 dy ; here it is, and I infift on your giv- 
 ing me your Opinion on it. 
 
 Mrs.
 
 TOMFOOL. 25 
 
 Mrs. Flim, 
 Nay, dear Ma'am, excufe me, I 
 wou'dn't for the World •, -« pray don't 
 fill the Glafs up— Lord, 1 fhall be fud- 
 dled before Dinner — Madam, your 
 Health— I protefl I can't drink it up — 
 Well, you are immenfely obliging — Its 
 vaftly good, indeed — Here's Mailer 
 Billy Thrwn^ Health, and wifhing he 
 may come to be Mayor of this Corpo- 
 ration. 
 
 Mrs, 'Thrum, 
 You are prodigiouQy good, indeed, 
 Ma'am, here's his Honour's Health, 
 and a good Hufband to Mifs FaJIj, 
 Mrs, Flim. 
 A Hufband ! Well, dear Madam, T 
 hope no Body hears us — but fhe's in 
 Love with Tom FcoL 
 
 Mrs. Thrum, 
 With Tom Fool, dear Ma'am, you 
 frighten me out of my Wits. 
 Mrs, Flim. 
 Upon my Honour, Ma'am, it's very 
 true — but I hope it will go no farther. 
 Mrs, Thrum, 
 Upon my Honour, Ma'am, it fhan't 
 for me •, but, may I be fo bold ? Has 
 Mifs broke her Mind to him ? 
 Mrs. Flim, 
 No, Ma'am, not yet, tho' flie in- 
 C tends
 
 26 The History of 
 
 tends it very quickly, but. Lord, he's 
 fuch an Ignoramus, and fo bafhful ; you 
 mull know. Ma'am, laft Week — ay, laft 
 Monday^ I went up where he was Ibrring 
 iome of his Shells, it's in a retired Pare 
 of the Houfe ; fo I was fitting in the 
 yellow Bed-room, all unlaced, and who 
 ihould be in the Clofet but 'Tom ; when 
 I heard him, I trembled like a Napfin 
 Leaf, for there was not a Soul near us ; 
 however, I begun to fing, that he fhould 
 not think I was frightened. He came 
 out of the Clofet towards me; Lord, 
 what an Agony I was in; then, my 
 Leggs ihook fo, I could not keep my 
 Knees together ; fo he begged I would 
 lend him fome Pins, and held out his 
 Hand towards me ; fo I told him, Lord, 
 Tom^ faid I, I hope you don't intend to 
 be rude with me; fo, fays he, no, God 
 forbid. Madam ; he looked fo fimple, 
 and fo innocent, that if I had been 
 to be ravifhed by him, I mud have for- 
 given him. 
 
 Mrs. 'Thrum, 
 You fay true. Ma'am, for there are 
 fome certain Times, when the moit vir- 
 tuous Woman is put off her Guard, as 
 one may fay ; I'll tell you how I had like 
 to have been fc^rved once myfelf. — But 
 the Arrival of Company prevented the 
 
 De-
 
 TOM F O O U 2/ 
 
 Detail of Madam Thrum's Amours ; 
 Dinner was ferved up, and, upon the 
 Removal of the Cloch, the Company 
 adjourned to the Rabbit Skin Ware- 
 houfe *, where the Card Tables were ftt 
 forth, and the Rout conduced with as 
 much Crouding, as many Finefies, and 
 as loud Altercations, as ever were fuf- 
 fered, pradifed, or heard at the politeft 
 AlTembly, either in Pall-mally or RatcUff 
 Highway, 
 
 Qz CHAP, 
 
 I
 
 28 The History of 
 
 CHAP VI. 
 
 MR. Overfeer had hurried out of 
 the Veftry, to lee after Mifs 
 Bonville^ without ever enquiring where 
 fhe was •, but kickily meeting Do6lor 
 Phiole^ whom Lady Grotto had fent to 
 her, was going along with the Dodlor 
 to pay her a Vilit. When they found 
 'Tom Fool r^'picmg^ as before-mentioned, 
 him they added to their Party, and be- 
 hind them marched the Beadle, fent by 
 the Churchwarden to know what Ne- 
 ceflaries the Children wanted -, and Ma- 
 dam J'hrum was ordered by her Huf- 
 band to wait upon the young Lady ; — . 
 but, alas, whatever Authority he might 
 have in the Veftry, — at Home, hke 
 other great Men, he dolf'd his Habile- 
 ments of Power. As foon as he had or- 
 dered her to go and wait upon Mifs 
 Bonville^ to know her Commands, a 
 fudden Scowl gloomed over Madam 
 ^hriim\ Face ; (lie knit her Brows, Ihe 
 clapped her Palms together ; — he knew 
 the Symptoms, and he fhunned the 
 Storm •, unboxing his large buckled 
 Wig and beft Beaver, he took his Ivory- 
 headed Cane from behind the Counter, 
 
 and.
 
 TOMFOOL, 29 
 
 and, with the Tranquility of Farmer 
 Cincinatus^ went to Mifs Bonville himlelf. 
 
 After the Vifit was paid, Mr. Over- 
 feer took Tom Fool home with him to 
 Dinner •, Madam Htpjhott received young 
 Fool with the utmoft Complaifance ; for 
 this Lady had conceived an Inchnation 
 for him, not fitting for the Modefly of 
 Hiflorians to relate. After the Cloth 
 was rumpled away, the Lady of the 
 Feaft brought a large Bowl of Punch 
 upon the Table, in which fhe had in- 
 fufed a more than ordinary Qiiantity of 
 Spirits ♦, defigning, by the Strength of 
 the Potation, to prevent her Hufband 
 from obferving what rnight pafs be- 
 tween her and Tom Fool, 
 
 Mr. Overleer complained of the Li- 
 quor, it was too ftrong, he fwore j but 
 Madam Hipjhott infilling on it, that it 
 was no ftronger than common, he was 
 forced to fwailow his Bumper and be 
 quiet. 
 
 Young FooU who never drank any 
 Thing but Water, was blamed by the 
 Overfeer, for being a Milk-fop ; and 
 Mr. Hip/hot t declared, he would make 
 Tom drink now, he'd enter him, he'd 
 Ihew him what it was to be an honeft 
 Fellow. 
 
 C3 ^ His
 
 30 The History of 
 
 His Spoufe flood up in Defence of her 
 Adonis ; proteiling, flie'd drink for him •, 
 depending upon her own Strength, by 
 which not only herfelf, but too many of 
 her Sex, — O Ladies, Ladies, let xvxt beg 
 of you hereafter not to rely too much 
 on the Potency of your own abfolute 
 Sovereignties \, Hke her confiding, like 
 her, perhaps, you'll fall •, prone on the 
 Floor fhe dropped acrofs her fpeechlefs 
 Hufband's Carcafe inanimated. Thus 
 you may have feen in a Block-maker's 
 Yard, two wooden Figures defigned for 
 Heads of Ships, tumbled one thwart 
 t'other-, lifelefs and ill-ihaped. 
 
 HJ-I II J>- I .«.UL 
 
 CHAP.
 
 TOM FOOL. 31 
 
 CHAP. VII. 
 
 MR. Vofs^ who had lately met with 
 Tom Fool^ as before related, this 
 Day dined at the Baronet's. Sir Tafty 
 having the Right of Prefentation to a 
 Living of 3001. per Annum \ the Incum- 
 bent being attacked with a Fit of the 
 Gout in the Stomach, and that coming 
 to the Knowledge of Mr. Vofs^ he de- 
 ferred his Caml?ridge Journ^Y^ and turned 
 his Horfe towards the Land of Pro- 
 mife •, for he had Interefl at the Hall ; 
 his Wife's Sifter's Hufband having mar- 
 ried a Neice of Mr. Tete's^ Lady Grotto's 
 Hair-drefifcr. 
 
 This may be looked on as a (Irange 
 Recommendation by thofe odd People 
 who don't underiland the World. But 
 Mr. Vofs was right, Who would lofe a 
 good Living, for Want of looking af- 
 ter it? Strangers entered for Olympic 
 
 Prizes, and therefore but as there is 
 
 Variation between ancient and modern 
 Honour, fo there is between ancient and 
 modern Preferment. 
 
 Mr. Vofs iiftened with the utmoft feem- 
 
 ing Attention to Mifs FajJj^ while (he 
 
 related Tcm'i Humanity to Mifs Bon- 
 
 ville. Finding what a Favorite Tom 
 
 C 4 was
 
 g2 The History of 
 
 was in the Family -, he extolled the Be- 
 nevolence of the young Man's Difpofi- 
 tion ; protefting, that the Youth had an 
 angelic Mind. For Ladies (continued 
 Mr. Vofs) Charity, Charity, is the inef- 
 timable Attribute of the human Spe- 
 cie. — A(5tion ineffable. — The all irradi- 
 ating Sun benevolates his Bounties uni- 
 verfal. The grateful teeming Earth li- 
 berates her Copias. — Thus fliould we al- 
 ways afTift relief- wanting Objecls. — I, I, 
 I myfelf, Ladies, could not fleep at 
 Night eafy, if I had let the Day revolve, 
 without my laying out a Pittance of 
 what Providence has given me, in Ac- 
 tions of Charity. I fhould fay with the 
 Heathen, or Pagan Emperor, indeed I 
 have loft a Day. 
 
 Then don't let us lofe a Moment (his 
 Honour replied) drink about, the Wo- 
 men have all given their Sentiments — 
 Come here's — Mifs Fajh gave a Shriek, 
 to prevent her Brother's going on, clap- 
 ping her Hands to her Head, cried out, 
 for Heaven's Sake, dear Brother, don't 
 be rude' — I know what you are going to 
 fay -, but pray let us be out of the Hear- 
 ing on't firft. 
 
 Sir Tafly. 
 
 Ay, ay, go and fend my Groom in 
 with the two Pointers he brought Home 
 
 To-day—-
 
 TOM FOOL. S3 
 
 To-day — I'll fhew a Couple of Dogs — 
 You love Shooting 
 
 Indeed^ Sir^ I do (Mr. Vofs very fub- 
 mifiively anfwered) / would not be fo vnin 
 as to think myfelf fo good a Mark/man as 
 your Honour, 
 
 Sir rafty. 
 
 Why, did you ever fee me fhoot ? 
 Vofs. 
 
 No, Sir, but then I can tell by the 
 Appearance of a Gentleman and his 
 Make, what he is excellent in. 
 Mr. Tafly, 
 
 Why, then. Sir, you are a very 
 knowing Fellow, for I am one of the 
 bell Shots in England, 
 
 The Baronet then clapped Mr. Vofs on 
 the Thigh, Ihook him heartily by the 
 Hand, fwore he was a damn'd honed 
 Fellow, quite the Thing, and carried 
 him to fee his Chafers. Mr. Vofs lifted 
 up his Eyes and Hands in Admiration 
 of the young Baronet's great Talents ; 
 and graJping Sir Tafiy^s Hand, cried out, 
 Go on^ Sir^ purfue thus the Study of JSa- 
 ture ; delicately^ minutely enter into her 
 Predicaments^ by the Analyfis of Creation'* s 
 fmallefi Produ^ions •, Urjoas hy thefe^ and 
 other as noble Searches^ Refearches and In^ 
 vejligationsy that our Royal Society has 
 gained fa great a Chara^er^ has made fuck 
 C 5 ample
 
 34 The History of 
 
 ^?npk Difcoveriesy and has fo greatly bene' 
 fitted our Country. Their Enquiries are 
 univerjal\ and yet 1 wonder they never cri- 
 tically confidered^ if a Man mighty or might 
 net fpecifically creep into a Bottle ,, and how 
 long any Lady from Elizabeth Canning'^ 
 Example may hold cut, But^ I beg Par- 
 don^ Sir Taily, for this JJigreffion^ and 
 mufl fay to you^ as Paufanias did to the 
 younger Cyrus upon a fimilar Occafioru 
 wonderful is your Strength of Soul, which 
 makes you impervious to the Fafcinaticn of 
 Delights ; encircled with Pleafures, as you 
 are, yet you can attend to fuch improving 
 Exercifes, and thus blend the Naturaliji 
 with the fine Gentleman. 
 
 A Servant then brought them a Sum- 
 inons from the Tea-table •, as they en- 
 tered, they found To7n Fool relating to 
 the Ladies, what Effe6t her Ladyfhip's 
 Letter had among the Parifh Officers. 
 
 Mifs Faftj addreffed Mr. Vofs, as he 
 feated hmifelf ; Oh, Sir, here's that good- 
 natured Creature we were talking of at 
 Dinner, 
 
 'Tom Fool, 
 
 The Gentleman has feen mc before. 
 Madam. 
 
 Mr, Vofs. 
 
 Very likely, Child — I admire your 
 Goodefs J therefore pray take my Mite 
 
 as
 
 TOM F O O L. S5 
 
 as a Remembrance of my Regard to 
 you. 
 
 Tom Fool. 
 No, I thank you, Sir, I don't want 
 your five Shillings now ; if you had 
 given the poor Woman but half that 
 Sum, when 1 begged you. 
 Mr. Vofs. 
 And did not 1 ? 
 
 Tom Fool. 
 No, you know you did not. 
 
 Mr. Vofs. 
 You know in whofe Prefence you are •, 
 therefore it would be wrong in rrre to 
 fay any more to you, leafc I tempt you 
 to commit more Sin. 
 
 I^or,i Fool. 
 Sin ! Sin ! 
 
 Sir Tajiy. 
 Hufh, Tom^ confider who you arc 
 fpeakirg to, and where> 
 Mtfs Fajh. 
 Nay, dear Brother, let Tom fpeak ; 
 perhaps there may be fome Error in 
 this -, for you know, Sir Tafly\ Tom is 
 an honeu Creature, and remarkable for 
 always fpeaking Truth. 
 
 That*s true (replied the Baronet) Tom 
 
 Ihall have fair Play, faith •, come, Ladies, 
 
 fit round, v;e'U make a Ring; come> 
 
 kt*s pit Tvm and thti Do6tor. But Mr. 
 
 C^ Vofs
 
 3^ The History of 
 
 Vofs ftarting up from his Chair, his pim- 
 pled Cheeks all purpling with Ire, no, 
 no^ no^ no^ n-o^ (he Hammered out) / 
 <x)on't be a May -game. And, before they 
 could, or would prevent him, left the 
 Room, mounted his Horfe, and trotted 
 out of the Court-yard in that Hurry of 
 Spirit, known by the technical Term- 
 Hell upon Earth. 
 
 While T^om Fool^ at Heart's Eafe, re- 
 lated Mr. Vofi% Refufal to the Family. 
 'foYii's Figure and Manner, with Mifs 
 Fajh\ Inclinations and Affe6lions (as the 
 Poet fays) all combating together. *— But 
 here the Hiftorian, like any other great 
 Man, leaves his depenaant Reader in 
 Sufpence, and runs back to Town to 
 pick up frefh Matter for the cnfuing 
 Chapter. 
 
 CHAP.
 
 TOMFOOL. 37 
 
 CHAP. viri. 
 
 IT was Club-night, and Mr. Church- 
 warden, the Chairman, had provid- 
 ed an elegant Supper for the Society, of 
 Tripe and Cow-heels ; But how were 
 they to be drefled ? Boiled, or fryed ? 
 This Queftion occafioned much Diflen- 
 tionj the evil Spirit Party entered 
 among them with all it's infernal Con- 
 comitants, Oppofition, Abufe, Envy, 
 Uproar, and much Swearing. But the 
 Landlady's Daughter obferving, if fome 
 was boiled, and fome was fryed, all 
 might be pleafed. — It was agreed to ; 
 the Members Ihook Hands, and fat 
 down to Supper with great Satisfadlion. 
 The Meal over, and the Pipes filled, 
 the mute Taciturnity incircling Clouds 
 of Smoak failed round the Room •, but 
 Mr. Ruft^ the Nail-feller, happening to 
 break his Pipe, juft as he was in the 
 Marrow of it, deftroyed the Tranqui- 
 lity all the Club was enjoying, by 
 fweariiig .it the Pipe- makers ^ faying, / 
 wonder^ jo 1 do^ fince they have made A5ls 
 of Farliaments for ever;; "Thing elfe^ why 
 there was not one to make 'Tcba ceo pipes 
 ftrongey -, //'j a Hardjhip upon the Subje^ 
 they are not fo, 
 
 Mr.
 
 gS The H i s t o r y o f 
 
 Mr. ^bylly as he fhovelled up the 
 Cinders, turning his Head half-round 
 to the Right, fcowled at him •, replying, 
 What^ you are one of your A6is of Far- 
 liament-men^ are you ? Pray, what Occa^ 
 Jion is there for any A5fs of Parliament ? 
 nereis your l^urnpkes and your Broad- 
 wheels very pretty A5ls indeed, I have 
 been a Carrier now this forty Tears^ I 
 wanted no Turnpikes^ nor Broad wheels^ 
 neither. 
 
 Mr. Derivate, the Schoolm after, ob- 
 ferved, as he was chufing a clean Pipe ; 
 that, as for Turnpikes, he feldom, for his 
 Part, went abroad-, fo it was nothing to 
 him, if not one Turnpike was to he erected 
 all over England. But, added he (as he 
 flirred the Punch aboutj Broad-wheels 
 are abfolutely and efjhitially neceffary for 
 the Good of the whole Nation, fince no 
 Waggon could now overturn as before, and 
 fpoil the Goods, as I was ferved, having a 
 Cafi of Burton Ale Jiaved, within two 
 Miles of my own Houfe, by the Waggon'' s- 
 cverfetting, occafioned by the Want of 
 Broad'wheels. 
 
 'The Landlord reaching over for the 
 Snuffers, declared, he did not believe 
 that Turnpikes did half fo much Harm 
 as Poftchaifes. But they Jludy all the 
 Ways they can^ to ruin Old England. 
 
 ^ Our
 
 TOMFOOL. 39 
 
 Our Ekulions come but once in /even Tears ^ 
 unlefs occafioned by a Death, or Jo •, and 
 then it*s Odds, if there's an Oppojition, 
 NoWy if we had annual Parliaments, and 
 proper Oppofitions, we mought fay, our 
 Gentlefolks then do 'Things for the Good of 
 their Country, 
 
 Mr. Chairman, awakened by the Fall 
 of a Glafs, ftared round at his Com- 
 panions, and hearing the Landlord's 
 laft Words ; replied, Good of one's Coun- 
 try ; yes^ to be fur e, catch them at that ^^ 
 no, no, they are all for the Good of the 
 ^own ; but, come, drink about, F II give 
 you a To aft -, here's fewer Taxes, and no 
 Placemen -, may our Officers by Land and 
 by Sea fetve us for nothing-, and every 
 Lord in the Land take a Town's 'Prentice, 
 
 Now you talk of Elections (Mr. Lee, the 
 Soap-boiler obferved) Pray, when are 
 cur Members to fend us the new Bills ? But 
 that's Parifh Buftnefs, 
 
 Ay, ay, and PariftJ Buftnefs is every 
 Body's Bufinefs -, and every Body's Bufinefs 
 is no Body's Bufinefs. This, Mr. Swtll, 
 darting up, declared-, but, in his Hurry, 
 beat Mr. Goofe's Pipe into his Mouth 
 with one Elbow, and with the other, 
 dafhed a Glafs againft Mr. F/^x's Teeth, 
 which the quiet Hemp-drefTer had juft 
 "" raifed to his Head, in Honour of Mr. 
 
 Thrum'%
 
 40 The History of 
 
 Thrum's Toad \ but imny '•Thing: fall be- 
 tween the Cup and. the Lip^ as Mr. Swill 
 faid^ and begging Pardon, thus vent 
 on. We have Jo man\' jelfifn People a- 
 mong us^ who only want tc have their oivn 
 Turns ferved^ and don't care what becomes 
 of the Parifh. 
 
 Selfifh People^ replied Mr. Goofe (fpit- 
 ting out the Fragments ot a broken Pipe) 
 Pray^ did^nt yoUy Mr, Swill, put down a 
 new Pump^ I aft Tear^ in the School-yard ? 
 And did not you new-lead all the Church- 
 windows^ becaufe you was Churchwarden^ 
 and becaufe you was Plumber and Glazier ? 
 
 TeSy I did, anfwered Mr. Swill, and, 
 feizing his Bumper, wifhcd the Giafs 
 might never go through him, if he 
 did not behave in that, as much for the 
 Good of his Country, as e'er a Man 
 among them all -, For does not all our 
 Parifh fetch Water at that Pump ? And is 
 not every Body to receive Benefit by the 
 Church windows. 
 
 Mr. Townclerk, his Brother-in-Law, 
 gave his Opinion next ; that, according 
 to my Lord Cooke upon Littleton, every 
 Man pofTefles a Right within himfelf, a 
 Kind of Feoffment, or Covert Baron, 
 by which he is entitled to lay, or lie our. 
 Part or Parts of Money, collected by 
 
 him
 
 TOM FOOL. 41 
 
 him from the Public, for the Public's 
 Good. 
 
 Repeat no Grievances (replied Mr. Lee) 
 mind King CharlesV Rules \ here^ for all 
 it a^ant Saturday Nighty here's our H^ives 
 and Sweethearts ; they are all making a 
 Rout and a Racket at Mr. Thrum'j ; lefs 
 all go and make one with them. Mr. Lee's 
 Motion was feconded, and they all 
 agreed to march in Order, and" pay the 
 Ladies a Vifit. 
 
 Firft went Mr. Churchwarden and 
 Chairman, fupported on his Right by a 
 Crutch-headed Stick ; and on his Left 
 by the Shoulder of a Stage Coachman, 
 preceded by the Poftilion, bearing the 
 Stable Lanthorn. 
 
 Then followed the reft of the Mem- 
 bers, two by two, Arm-link'd in Arm, 
 all but Mr. Berivate the School-mafter •, 
 he brought up the Rear ; or, to fpeak 
 more properly, was brought up in the 
 Rear, by his two Bearers, Sir Tafty's 
 Whipper-in, and little Sara the Boot- 
 catcher. In this Order they fafely ar- 
 rived at Mr. Thrum's Houfe ; where 
 we'll let them reft a-while from their 
 Walk i and then, with frefh Spirits, 
 begin a new Chapter. 
 
 CHAP.
 
 42 The History of 
 
 CHAP. IX. 
 
 TO M^ the Tapfter, who had been 
 ciifpatched from the main Body of 
 the Club, to fee how the Ladies went 
 on, before a Biirnper had gone round, 
 returned affrighted •, telling his Mailer, 
 the Gentlefolks were all fighting •, and 
 he heard his Miftrefs fcream molt dif- 
 mally. Away went the Landlord, Mr. 
 Buher^ to his Wife's Affillance ^ the 
 reft of the Hufbancl's following, all but 
 the difpafTionate School-mafter •, it was 
 beneath a Philofopher, he faid, to mind 
 Qi^arrels ; therefore he would keep Cen- 
 try over the Punch-bowl. 
 
 The Noife of the Combatants dire6led 
 the Gentlemen to the Place of Battle. 
 Mr. Butter^ .the Publican, was the firft 
 who entered •, as he llraddled over the 
 fallen Carcafe of Mrs. Flims^ (who ia.y 
 parallel to the Threfhold) a Pairofbrafs 
 Snuffers violently met his Nofe, flung 
 from the fair Fill of the eldeft Mils Le?. 
 
 The Townclerk, who clofe followed 
 Mr. Duller^ tripped up the Steps, over 
 •Lady Grott's Woman, and tumbling 
 into the Room, pitched his Head (like 
 a battering Ram) againft the Small of 
 the Landlord's Back. The Shock 
 would have fent Mr. Duller to the 
 
 Ground,
 
 TOM FOOL. 43 
 
 Ground, had not-he met with the Edge 
 of a Chimney-piece in his Stumble, that 
 brought him up again, with only the 
 Addition of a frcfh Lump on his Fore- 
 head. But Mr. Townclerk funk half 
 ftupefied, his Neck almoft diflocated, 
 fpreading out his Arms, to fave himfelf 
 as he feD, his right Palm prefTed upon 
 the overthrov/n Madam ^'hrum'^s Nof- 
 trils ; enraged, Ihe feized his Fingers in 
 her Teeth, which made him fend forth 
 fuch a Roar, that alarmed his Wife j 
 Ihe left off mangling Mailer Thrum^ 
 whofe Face her Nails had marked with 
 Scratches, equal to the irregular Strokes 
 on a Shoemaker's cutting Board j and 
 rufhed to her Hufband's Refcue. 
 
 A Shriek at that Moment from Mrs. 
 Swill^ hurried her Spoufe to aflfift her -, 
 but met in Midway Madam Townclerk, 
 forcible was the Shock that each receiv- 
 ed, Bread to Breaft, Face to Face — 
 Backward, bruifed, out of Breath, and 
 fpeechlefs fell the Townclerk's Wife ; 
 while Swill purfued his Way. But now 
 the down -fallen Madam Thrum feized 
 him by the Ankle -, the fudden Gripe 
 (like Orchard-robber, caught in Fox- 
 trap) brought him to the Ground -, and as 
 he fell, he caught Hold of Madam 
 Goofe's French Pocket-hole -, the Poplin 
 
 Sack
 
 44 The History of 
 
 Sack and upper Petticoat gave Way, 
 down he tumbled, rending as he funk ; 
 while the fuffering Lady appeared all on 
 one Side uncloathed (except her Skele- 
 ton Hoop.) She looked like the un- 
 planked Side of a Ship's Stern, with 
 her Ribs all bare. 
 
 Madam Goofe frantic with the Affront, 
 (like Hecuba at the Siege of Troy) feized 
 on the firfh Man next her, Mr. 'Thrill i 
 file tore his Chitterlin, kicked his Shins, 
 fpit in his Face •, he all the While re- 
 treating Back, till he came to the Spot 
 Vv'here Madam Tovvnclerk was over- 
 thrown. She was then endeavouring to 
 xaife herfelf up, by the Help of her 
 Hands out-fpread on the Floor -, but juft 
 then Mr. ThrilPs Heel crufhing her 
 Fingers, fhe fixed her Teeth faft in the 
 Calf of his Leg •, the fudden Smart made 
 him raving mad -, he fell upon Mrs. 
 Goofe^ overfetthe Soap-boiler's Daughter-, 
 gave Mrs. Inkle a black Eye, and ftruck 
 every one in his Reach-, when fouze o'er 
 his Face a Difh of hot buttered Applepye 
 was fent from the Sideboard by Mrs. In- 
 kle ; the fcalding Cataplafm fluck to his 
 Features •, he roared, he called for Help, 
 he flung his Arms about, and blinded 
 as he was, Mr. Dulter ]u^ then paffing 
 by him with a large Kettle of boiling 
 
 Water,
 
 TOM FOOL. 4^ 
 
 Water, which he had taken off the Fire 
 to prevent Mifchief, Mr. Thrill feized 
 the Publican by the hind-part of his 
 Coat-Collar ; backwards they both fell ; 
 the cover, by the fudden Jerk, came 
 off; and the dreaming Liquor, fplafh- 
 ed, fprayed and fcalded all the inter- 
 mingled Combatants. 
 
 The parboiled Gentlemen and Ladies, 
 frighted to Death, as they felt the blif- 
 tering Liquor, left off at once ; and af- 
 ter fome Moments recovering their 
 Senfes, rejoicing to find themfelves alive, 
 they fliook Hands round, agreed to for- 
 get and to forgive, picked up- the Over- 
 thrown, and adjourned into the Dwelling- 
 houfe to refrefh and refit themfelves. 
 There they faw all at his Length ftretched 
 out, the much inebriated Schooi-ma- 
 fter •, after he was left to himfelf, he fell 
 afleep ; and dreaming, being hot at 
 Heart, that the Houle was on Fire, 
 feized the Punch-bowl, by way of 
 Bucket, and dafhed it againft the Wain- 
 fcot; with the Swing, down he came 
 to the Ground, and there he lay *midft 
 Puddles of Punch, and fhining Frag- 
 ments of blue and white China. While 
 they are recruiting their Spirits, we Ihall, 
 as faithful Hiftorians ought to do, en- 
 quire into the Caufe of this Confufion, 
 Affifl me, Mr. Hcgarthy to teli how it 
 happened. CHAP.
 
 46 The History of 
 
 CHAP. X. 
 
 ^TOW let me beg of all my Readers, 
 ^ geittle and fimple, and all fim- 
 ple Gentlefolks, to obferve, that Gam- 
 ing is one of the fcven deadly Sins, to 
 all beneath Right Honourables ; for it 
 is well known noble Folks never fin, un- 
 lefs they wave their Privileges — but to 
 go on wiih this Hiftory. 
 
 Madam C hurchwarden's Vifitants had 
 for feveral Hours maintained that be- 
 coming Bchavour, fo neceflary at the 
 politeft Card -tables. The Converfation, 
 pertinent to the Evening's Entertainment, 
 was preferved with an unaffeded Free- 
 dom. — Tor Inftance 
 
 Pray^ how came you to be fix ? — Play 
 away — JVe ere two b Honours — iVip, but 
 you a'' am — Tou hold a foul Card^ Mifs — 
 I pafs tide;! — Can you one— Tour beajied, 
 Mariam — Forty four for Point — Ifland — 
 Not good — Three by Cards — Fifh ana Mats 
 —Pair Royal of Aces — Call a Card — King 
 of Hearts — Spades is Trumps — Spadille 
 fpeak — Whofe to deal — Play a Trump — 
 We^ve faved our Lurch — Highefi and Jack 
 — Our Game^ a Guinea — Who brags next 
 '—Change Seats^ &rc. &c. &c. 
 
 In
 
 TOM FOOL. 47 
 
 In the Midft of this agreeable Chat, a 
 Revoke was made by Madam Ihrumy 
 which threw that Whifl-table into fome 
 Confufion ; and jufl then at the Bragg- 
 table, there happened a Difpute about 
 a leaden Shilling, which no Perfon would 
 own •, but it was judged to be one of 
 Mrs. Churchwarden's Counters, for her 
 Hufband had taken feverai leaden Shil- 
 lings in his Grocery Bufinefs, and nailed 
 them to his Counter •, but after his 
 Spoufe fet up her Rout, fhe had the 
 Nails drawn, the bad Money bruihed 
 up, and adding three white Metal Fops 
 of Buttons from her Hufband's working 
 Frock, complicaled (as fhe faid) one Set 
 of Counters. Twelve Birmingham Half- 
 pence, well fcowered, made a fecond 
 Dozen. The fame Quantity of King 
 Charleses Farthings made the third. Her 
 Brother, the Tinman, made her a Pre- 
 fent of half a Grofs of Fifhes made by 
 his *Prentice. Thus the Quadrille and 
 Picquet Tables wxre equipped ; but 
 where fhe j.layed herfelf, the Markers 
 fhe ufed were more valuable -, for her 
 Hufoand was not only a Grocer and 
 Churchwarden, but alfo an Antiquarian ; 
 from his Collection flie had picked out 
 a Set of his mofl valuable Pieces to fcore 
 with •, viz. a Queen Elizabeth's Shilling, 
 
 and
 
 48 The History df 
 
 and Oliver Cromwell's Breeches, a Hoi- 
 land Doit, a King TVilliam*s and Queea 
 Marys Silver Three-pence, two Six-Sti- 
 ver Pieces, a Dollar, a Brafe Jacobus-, a 
 Flemijh Shilling, a Ticket for the King's 
 Road, a Piece of Eight, and an old 
 round Thing of Copper, all honey- 
 comh'd with Ruft, which her Spoufe 
 called his Notho, But thefe fhe only ufed 
 at public Times, fuch as AfTembHes in 
 the Race Week, the Ball-Night at an 
 Eledion, and her own Rout. 
 
 The leaden Shining being fentenced, as 
 before-mentioned, it was diipatched from 
 Mrs. Townclerk, with her CompHments 
 to Madam Tbrim^ and begged her Ho- 
 nour would change it. Now the Mef- 
 fage being delivered in the critical Mi- 
 nute, when the Revoke was fixed upon 
 her i Is it to be wondered at, thaf ihe 
 could not keep her Temper .'* She did 
 not ; but replying, with a fhrill Voice, 
 fome People were in a mighty Hurry for 
 their Money ^ jhe was not running away ; 
 and that jhe d have Madam Kenting to 
 know^ Jhe knew what good Money was^ 
 and had as much onU^ thank God, as her 
 Neighbours. 
 
 fhank God? no^ no^ thank the Jury^ 
 (retorted Mrs. Kenting) for giving your 
 Hujband Jive Hundred Pounds Damages^ 
 
 when
 
 TOM FOOL. 49 
 
 f^vhen you and the Squire were catched in 
 Bed together. 
 
 Truth is not to be told at all Times. 
 Mrs. Thrum rofe up at the Reproach, 
 all red with Revenge ^ overfetting a Pi- 
 quet Table as (lie pafiTed, the Corner of 
 which fell upon a Leg of Mifs Fiddy\ 
 Lapdog, who fliook the Air v/ith his 
 Shrieks •, but the Churchwarden's I^ady 
 crouded on rcgardlefs, and ftretching 
 herfelf forwards over the Table, fpit fuli 
 in Madam Townclerk's Face -, laying, 
 take that. Huzzy. The Lady returned 
 the Infult by a blazing Candle, which 
 finged as it thick, between the fmitched 
 Brows of Madam Churchwarden. High 
 in Wrath Mrs. Renting followed her 
 Blow, and dalhed the Candleftick in 
 Madam ^hru}n\ Face -, who, with 
 bleeding Nofe, fell backwards on the 
 Floor, murmuring out. Murder ! Mur- 
 der ! 
 
 Mrs. Allfpice,, who was at the Side- 
 table, eating Ibme cold Sirloin, feeing 
 h^r Sifler-in-Law's Diilrefs, fiung a half 
 picked Bone of Beef at Mrs. KerJ'ing ; 
 but it hit Mifs Fidafs Forehead, as (lie 
 was drelTing her Lap-dog's Bruife ; the 
 fuduen Shock made her drop the Fuppy^ 
 and run bellowing w^ith Flands held up 
 to'.vurds the i^oor •, but in her Way flie 
 D over-
 
 50 The History of 
 overfet the Shop-boy, who had a large 
 Cnftard in his Hands, Part of which fai- 
 ling on Mifs Hannah Lee's Negligee, fo 
 provoked the Soap-boiler's Daughter, 
 that fnatching up the Dozen of Birming- 
 ham's, fhe volleyed them at the Head 
 of the unfortunate Mifs Fiddy •, but 
 they miffed the young Lady, and Ma- 
 dam Duller, the Publican's Wife, re- 
 ceived a Brulfe with fome of the Half- 
 pence over the Wedding- ring Finger, juft 
 as (lie was opening her Snuff-box \ and as 
 ilie rcfe up at the Stroke, a Pewter Plate 
 ficimmed from the Side- board by Mrs. 
 Allfpice, met her full on the Mouth; 
 with hideous Crufh her three befb Fore- 
 teeth funk on the Floor, Vidims to the 
 Pewter Plates fuperior Weight of Me- 
 tal. Now the Battle became general ; 
 Pompoons, Gawze, Aprons, Double 
 Ruffies, Pade Ear-rings and Cambrick 
 Tuckers fpread the Floor; all were em- 
 ployed in tearing, llirieking, fcratching, 
 biting, kicking, crying, fpitting -, all, 
 except my Lady Grotfs W^oman ; Ihe 
 had fome Time before funk fupine a-crofs 
 the Door-way, immerfed in Drink and 
 Sleep ; fhe heeded not the Battle, like 
 the Cabin-boy on the Round-top, re- 
 gardlefs flumbercd out the Storm. In 
 
 this
 
 TOMFOOL. 51 
 
 this Condition they were, when Tom^ 
 the Tapfter, brought the News, as was 
 before related. 
 
 But now, Reader, with your Leave, 
 we'll quietly conduct you out of this 
 Noife, and ufher you to more delicate 
 Defcriptions — To the foft Scenes of 
 Love and Harmony, where the fragrant 
 Zephyrs, filled with Aromatics, undu- 
 late Perfumes-, fweetas Arabian Breezes, 
 Spice Ifland Gales, or Spirits of La- 
 vender. 
 
 D2 CHAP,
 
 52 The History of 
 
 CHAP. XL 
 
 FOR fome Days after the Combat 
 abovementioned, neither the Mem- 
 bers of the Club, nor the Members of 
 the Rout, went abroad. Mr. ThriWs 
 Leg was under the Surgeon's Hands ; 
 Mifs Fiddfs Dog under the Farriers : 
 Mrs. Duller was afhamed to fhew her 
 Face •, and Mifs Lee's Sack was gone to 
 be dyed •, all the Effe6tsof Gaming— But 
 we fliall leave philofophizing, and en- 
 quire into the Truth of Mrs. Flint's Re- 
 port concerning Mifs Fajh^ and her 
 Fondnefs for Tom Fool. 
 
 Violently Hie admired him ; the Symp- 
 toms too plainly appeared. — Lofs of Ap- 
 petite — Want of Sleep — An uncommon 
 Fondnefs for Solitude, when he was not 
 at the Hall ; and an Abhorrence of 
 Cards. Which lall Sappho calls the mofb 
 inveterate Diagnoftic. 
 
 Poor young Lady, how was her Mind 
 divided, between pleafing her Fancy, and 
 Flonour, and Reputation, and a charm- 
 ing Fellow, and Coaches and fix, and 
 Child-bed Linnen -, ilie ftruggled vaftly -, 
 but it was eafy to guefs who would prove 
 the belt Wreiller. Pride, indeed, held 
 her up fome Time -, and Fear kept her 
 
 a little
 
 TOM FOOL. 5j 
 
 a little upon her Legs -, but Love, ac 
 lafb, Love got the better. — Love, the 
 mod powerful of the Paffions, hkc 
 Death, UkeDrunkennefs, or a hot Spring 
 Tide, Love is an univerfal Leveller. 
 
 At this Time Tcm was with her Bro- 
 ther at a great Twirling Match ; but Ihe 
 refolved, as foon as young Fcol returned, 
 to break her Mind by Letter to him. 
 
 At this Meeting all the principal 
 Folks of the Country were allembled ;. 
 among whom Mr. Teajl cut no inconfi- 
 derable Figure*, he was looked upon to 
 be the proudelt Man in the World, and 
 indeed he had Realbns for it •, he was re- 
 lated to a noble Family, had a great Ef- 
 tate of his own, befides a large Cathedral 
 Income ; he was a Humorift-, for he kept 
 two Men in 1 .abourers Pay, whofe whole 
 Bufinefs confided in driving poor People, 
 Neighbours, as well as Strangers, from 
 his Pales, Stables and Outhoules. Lead: 
 (as he faid) the Wretches fhould bring 
 Ibme infedlious Diftemper into his Fa- 
 mily. Yet this was not done out of Co- 
 vetoufnefs, for he once fpent ten Thou- 
 fand Pounds at an Eledlion, to fupport 
 an Oppofition •, becaufe the old Member 
 had contradicted him at the Quarter Sef- 
 fions. This Gentleman threatened to 
 cane Tcm Fool^ for challenging a Chafer 
 D 3 Mr.
 
 54 The History of 
 
 Mr. Xeaft's Man had pitted ; Tom infift- 
 ing on it to be Sir Tafty's Breed. 
 
 The young Baronet, every Evening 
 when the TwirHng was over, ufed to re- 
 turn to Town to vifit Mifs Bonvilk^ and 
 left Tom there. Mr. Teaft found young 
 Fool in a Parlour of the Inn by himfelf ; 
 upon which, reddening Vv^ith Rage, and 
 clubbing his Whip, he called out, Sir- 
 rah^ you B^afcal^ down on your Knees and 
 afk me Pardon^ for that audacious Lie you 
 told To-day^ about my Chafers^ or Til break 
 every Bone in your Skin, j ou Bcugre. 
 
 Tom^ not being ufed to fuch Threats, 
 replied cooly, H'hat Right have you to 
 break my Bones, Sir ? TV hat Right, you 
 Scoundrel P What Right ? Shall fuch Scums 
 cf the Earth, as you, ajk me what Right ? 
 Mr. Teafi could fay no more -, he was 
 choaked with PafTion ; black in the Face 
 he looked like a half-ftrangled Turkey 
 Cock ; and like that angry Animal, he 
 flew at Torn Fool, aiming a Blow with 
 his heavy handled Whip. Tom nimbly 
 avoided the Stroke ; Mr. Teaft over- 
 reaching himfelf, fell down. Face fore- 
 mofl, ftriking his Forehead againft the 
 Edge of a two-ear'd Pewter Utenfil, 
 which happened to be placed Waiftband 
 high on two Brackets, in the Corner 
 of the Room where he fell. 
 
 Tom
 
 TOM FOOL, S5' 
 
 Tom turning round, refolved not to 
 be beat tamely, and feized the Whip. 
 The Pain of his Forehead, and Fear of 
 Fool^ who feemed determined to e^er- 
 cife the new gained Weapon, made Mr. 
 Teaft roar out for Help •, the Servants 
 rufhed in, picked up this very proud 
 Man, and put him to Bed. AW the 
 Time he was undreffing, he vowed Re- 
 venge againft poor 7cm ^ and that as 
 God fhould fpare his Life, he never 
 would leave him, till he got him tran- 
 fported to the worfl: of his Majeily's 
 Plantations. 
 
 Bearing Malice is not one of the thirty- 
 nine Articles, to be fure. — But, alas, 
 who can help it ? We are not all of us, 
 as every body ought to be. Sin and 
 Folly are two very leading Failiions, 
 and many People appear in each, not 
 out of weak or bad Minds, but merely 
 out of Politenefs •, becaufe they wonc 
 put their Friends and Acquaintance out 
 of Countenance. 
 
 Next Day Mr. Teaft had Tom brought 
 up before the Company, and infilled on 
 the Baronet's difcharging that Scoun- 
 drel. / am no Scoundrel (interrupted 
 Tom J God made me^ as well as ycu^ Sir. 
 ^-Hufh, Tom {replied his Patron) you 
 talk like a Prefbyterian, Child, What 
 D 4 has
 
 56 The History or 
 
 has my Servant done to you, Mr. 7^eaft T 
 — Now the Reader mud be informed, 
 that Sir Tafty had been told the Truth 
 by the Servants who picked Mr. Teajl 
 up ♦, therefore the young Baronet made 
 a Jeft of what Mr. l^ecijt told him, of 
 Tcrus throwing him down, and otherwifs 
 maletreating him ; but Sir Tqfty fmile- 
 ing, made the proud Man very uneafy •, 
 and he told Tom's Mailer, he thought it 
 no laughing Matter,, and infilled upon 
 Satisfaction. 
 
 Sir TaJIj was jufl returned from his 
 Travels ; and we all. know, if there is 
 nothing elfe to be taught abroad, you 
 are fure of being tutored in Pundlilios. 
 
 PundlilJos are all in all abroad. The 
 Baronet was hurt, to think any Man dare 
 demand Satisfaction of him •, he arofe, 
 and giving Mr. Teafi the Look con- 
 temptuous, cried out, Ton fiail have Sa- 
 tisfat'iion ; Pm not to be called upon twice 
 for that — / have 'not made the Grand Tour 
 for nothings 'pon cnner, Tom> fetch me 
 down my Pifiols. 
 
 Bur at that Moment Mr. Teaft caught 
 Hold of Tom^ and with much Hefita- 
 tion, tho* very mildly, defired Mr. Fool 
 to ftay i for (as he wifely obferved) 
 IVhat Occafion have your Maficr and I to. 
 murder one another in. cold Blood? As he 
 
 fpoke.
 
 TOM F O O L. SI 
 
 fpoke, his Knees trembled, cold Drops 
 of Sweat ilood on his Face, his Lips 
 turned livid, his clammy Tongue ftuck 
 to his parched Palate -, all fevered with 
 Fear, he then addrelfed Sir Tafiy^ If I 
 have jaid any Things Sir Tally, to cffend 
 you^ I a/k )our Pardon-, I might he too 
 rajh — Ton may be too rajh — Piftoh ? I 
 dorCt fear dyings to be ftire -, becatife it is 
 a Debt 'we mufi all pay \ but tofjoct one 
 another^ as ifive 'ivere Defer tcrs ? — That 
 is bad enough 'replied a Gentleman) come,^ 
 1'H's forget and forgive •, come, T'e.fly^ 
 don't be queer now, fhake Hands with 
 Orthodoxy, for once be reconciled ta 
 Rclio-ion. 
 
 The young Baronet bowed, fmiled, 
 and ftrerched out his Hand. Mr. Teaft\ 
 met it amicably ; the Daemon of Difcord- 
 wasdrownt^d in a half- pint Bumper-, and 
 the choice Spirit, good Fellow [hip, again 
 prefided over the Society. 
 
 D ^ C H A P.
 
 §S The History or 
 
 CHAP. XII. 
 
 TOM Fool won his Match, and his 
 Mafter took him Home in the 
 Poft Chariot. After they had gone a-^ 
 bout ten Miles, the Baronet woke by a 
 Hidden Jolt, and rubbing his Eyes, afked 
 Tom what he had been thinking about. 
 Fool. 
 
 Thinking, Sir ? Indeed, I had 
 
 fome very odd Thoughts come into my 
 Head juft now. Pray, Sir, if you and 
 Mr. I'^eqfi had killed one another, with 
 PiriolsYelterday, what Satisfadion would 
 that have been to either of ye ? 
 Sir Tafty. 
 Satisfadlion ? No, Tom^ you miflake. 
 Not according to the vulgar Meaning of 
 the Word Satisfaction, I grant you ; 
 but you muft know, that every Thing 
 has two Meanings, a Gentleman's Mean- 
 ing, and a Mechanic's. 
 FooL 
 Yes, Sir, but, begging your Pardon, 
 Is it nor a Shame, that People fhould 
 fhoot one another, v^ithout going to War? 
 Sir Tafty. 
 Why, To?n, as to that — It's Tafte — 
 and a Man of Honour, Family, and 
 Fafhion, is only to confider that. 
 
 FooL
 
 TOM FOOL. 59 
 
 Fool. 
 Bur, Sir, if every Word, as you are 
 pleafed to fay, has a double Meaning, 
 How fhall I be fure, that I always un- 
 derftand you right ? 
 
 Oh, as to that, T'cm^ I Ihall always fpeak 
 plain to you. But, what I mean by a 
 Word to be taken two Ways, is, when I 
 talk to thofe out-of-the-way Creatures one 
 has no Acquaintance with-, for Inilance, 
 nowj you faw that Man Yefterday in 
 the fhabby Mourning give me his 
 Scheme, as he called it ; to get Rid of 
 him, I promifed to fhew it to the Mi- 
 nifter-, I promifed, indeed ; promifed, 
 upon onner ; I could do no lefs. — But, 
 what then ? — Great Men mufl not be 
 difturbed — I did but promife — It was 
 quite the Thing, for mc to promife — 
 But it would not be the Thing, if I 
 was to keep my Word. No, no. 
 Fool. 
 
 But, pray. Sir, mufb not I keep my 
 Promifes ? 
 
 ^/r 1'ajly. 
 
 Undoubtedly, T'tw, wlien 'tis for your 
 Advantage, or for my Intered. Bur, 
 T^;;;, there is a great Difference between 
 fuch People as you, and me ; for In- 
 ilance now, fuppofe you promife a Girl 
 D 6 Matri-
 
 6o The H i s t o r y o f 
 
 Matrimony, the Law makes you keep 
 your Word 5 or, at leaft, the Parifh Of- 
 Hcers force you to maintain the Child, 
 FooL 
 
 Yes, Sir. 
 
 Sir Tafly. 
 
 But what has Churchwardens to do- 
 with me, 1'om ?■ Suppofe I took my Oath, 
 upon the Bible, or any other Book, no- 
 Matter what, that I wouki marry a 
 handfome Girlr •, and, upon that, fhe lets 
 me come tx) Bed to lier. What, then ? 
 I'm not to keep my Word, am I ? — 
 No. How iliould I be looked upon by 
 rhe Vv^orld, if I did ? Hellilhly, by 
 Jefus ; — No, no, T^om^ ever while you 
 live, remember, Men of Birth and:" 
 Breeding-, never think nor fpeak like- 
 other Folks ; nor is it fit we fhould $ 
 What have we elfeto value ourfelves up- 
 on ?— -But, hold, bid the Boy flop \ take 
 Home the Chaife, and it'^A- it to the- 
 George at Ten. Away then tripped Sir 
 '^T'cifty to his admired Mils Bonville •, and.. 
 Home to Mifs Fajh wejit the admirred:: 
 Tom FoqL 
 
 e H A a
 
 r O M FOOL. 6^E 
 
 CHAP. XIIL 
 
 N'IGHT is the Sabbath of human 
 _ Kind ; Midnight therefore is high- 
 HoHday. — Oft at this witching Time of 
 Night, the Mind-tainted fair One ex- 
 pedis her dear Undoer.— Thus it was— ^ 
 We are forry to fay it •, — But thus it was 
 with Mifs Fajh. — She was in Bed — Lif- 
 tening impatiently to each Beat of her- 
 Repeater. Her heaving Breads, Brtif- 
 fzU Tucker, glowing Cheeks, Cambrick 
 Sheets — —But bear back a little, Rea- 
 der — it was neither thee, nor me, flie 
 was expecTting. Let us therefore creep- 
 foftly off the Carpet, and hide ourfelveS: 
 under the Toilet Veil. 
 
 Her Chamber-door gently opening, 
 fhe raifed her Head, looking like Ei'e 
 in the nuptal Bower, and fweetly whif- 
 pered-. My dear Tom Foci ^ is it you? 
 
 No, Madam, it is not- l:om Fool^ nor 
 am I to be made a Fool of — a Voice im- 
 mediately arifwered \ and on the Inftant, 
 her Brother, S'wTafty^ prefented himfelf 
 before her. Shame, Grief, Anger, Fear, 
 Pride-, and Difappotntment prevented her 
 Reply V pale, mute, and mationlefs ^at 
 lay, like the Effigy of Beauty in monu- 
 XBeiKal M.af ble. Thus her Brother went 
 
 cm.
 
 6z The History of 
 
 on. So it was Tom Yoo\ you expe^ed? 
 I know it ; he told me Jo himfelf. She 
 then gave a Shriek, which brought her 
 Maid into the Bed-chamber -, Mifs burft- 
 ing into Tears, begged her Brotheif to 
 withdraw, till fhe had ptrt on her Niffht- 
 cloaths. Sir '^afty obeyed, and-^ a^^ 
 Sign from the Maid, fecreted himfelf in H 
 Betty's Bed-room. 
 
 Mils Fiifi huddling on her Cioaths in 
 an Agony, which I hope no fair Lady 
 may feel for the future, flew into her 
 Mama's Apartment-, and fobbing, beg- 
 ged, for God's Sake, that ^om Fool 
 might be turned away that very Mo- 
 ment. 
 
 Lady Grotto^ the fondefl: of all Mo- 
 thers, without afking any more Quef- 
 tions, gave an Order for Tom'^s inllant 
 Difcharge, much to the Grief of all the 
 other Servants -, between one and two 
 that Morning, 'Tom v>^as turned out of 
 Doors.' Poor Fellow, he never once 
 complained. All he faid, was, he thanked 
 God, he had not done any Thing to deferve 
 fuch Treatment, — Then he walked into a 
 Poddock, clofe to the Garden, and as it 
 was Moonfhine and warm Weather, he 
 nnifhed his Nap under a new-made Hay- 
 Hack. 
 
 The
 
 TOM FOOL. 6^ 
 
 The Baronet unjuftly accufed Tom 
 Fool ', that young Fellow had not 
 opened his Lips to any one Perfon con- 
 cerning this Aflignation -, but Sir Tafy 
 told her fo for the Joke's Sake, only to 
 hum her a little. 
 
 He knew fhe had a great Inclination 
 for Tom ; but as he ufed to reafon, with 
 himfelf ; IVbat's that to me^ if [he does 
 pleafe her f elf with Tom, and it dnt 
 blown ? — It donU hurt me^ as long as Jhe 
 keeps the Thing fe^et ; the Honour of our 
 Family is preferved^ and Fm fure I can 
 depend upon my Sifter^s Tafte for that. 
 She knows Things^ nobody better. As to 
 Girls of Spirit and Fortune pleafing their 
 Fancy y if they can fnug^ let thcrn^ if s the 
 Thing abroad^ and quite fo^ I thinks at 
 Home. 
 
 We may therefore be certain, from 
 his Manner of Reafoning, he was not 
 fufpicious of his Sifter. — It was by mere 
 Accident he that Night blundered into 
 Mifs Faffs Apartment. 
 
 Her Maid, he had prevailed upon, 
 for five Guineas in Hand, and the Pro- 
 mife often more, to fuffer him to be her 
 Bed-fellow ; but it happened unluckily 
 for all Parties, that the very Evening his 
 Sifter expedbed Tom^ that very Evening 
 her Maid expected Sir Tafty, For tho' 
 
 the
 
 6^4 T H" E History of 
 
 the Baronet was upon very good Terms 
 with Mifs Bonvilie^ yet, as the Settle- 
 ment Deeds were not executed, fhe ftill 
 preferved her Honour. No Wonder, 
 therefore, by way of jufl taking a Snap- 
 before Dinner, he had a Mind to his 
 Sifter's Attendant •, and as he crept up 
 Stairs foftly, but not quite fober, by the 
 Candle's burning, he miftook the Rooms, 
 and occafioned the Difturbance before- 
 mentioned. 
 
 The Baronet had not let lono; in the 
 Maid's Room, before Betty returned , 
 and after Mifs Fa/Jj heard die Sentence 
 for 'Tom's Difmiffion pronounced, flie 
 arofe to regain her own Chamber ; but 
 a fudden Sicknefs feized her, juft as fne 
 had left her Mama's Bed-fide ; her 
 Limb's, with the Surprize of one Thing- 
 and another, began, to fail her •, flie had 
 not Strength to reach her own Room •, 
 but fighing, trembling, Ihe tottered in- 
 to her Maid's -, where, to her great Sur- 
 prize, file favv her Brother half undreffed,. 
 and her ov/n Woman with only her un- 
 der Petticoat on. 
 
 Mifs Fafh funk down on the Deal- 
 box, Betty's only Repofitory •, and after 
 taking feme Sal Volatile, to recover her 
 Spirits, thus began to accoft: her Bro- 
 ther. f)\ Brotbcr^^ ant jou afnamecV 
 
 #
 
 TOM FOOL. 6s 
 
 cfyourfelf? I could not have thought yon 
 would have been fo mean fplrited, to take 
 tcp with a Servant Wench, A Man of 
 your Fortune^ to hefo vulgar — 1 am ajhani- 
 edy Brother-, Is it not monjirous Jloocking 
 in you^ to make your own Mother's Houfe 
 a common Bagnio ? — 2^cu, a Man of Spirit 
 — my God I IVhat is become of Men's 
 Honour ? 
 
 Sir Tafty was all this while putting his 
 Cloaths on, and whiftling •, when he had 
 drelTed himfelf, he walked to the Door, 
 turned half round upon his Heel, ftared 
 his Siiler in the Face, took a Pinch of 
 SnufF, made her a Bow, and left the 
 Room i faying, Fafh, you are a GeniuSy 
 a Genius, indeed. 
 
 Betty fell on her Knees at the Feet of 
 Mifs Fafh ; and with many interrupting 
 Sobs, confefTed, as how his Honour would 
 never let her be at ^iet -, and that he had. 
 threatened to make away with himfelf, fa 
 he had, if (he would' nt let him -, and that 
 foe was afeard as how his Ghoft would 
 haunt her \ for fbe was but a poorjimple 
 Girl, to be fur e-, but yet fhe WQuld^nt be a 
 Whore for all the World — But only that 
 his Honour's Life was in Danger ; andyet 
 fioe jhould pray for her hadyfhip, as long as 
 foe had Breath y becaufe her Ladyfhip had 
 
 been-
 
 ^6 The History of 
 
 hien fo good as to come in^ and fave her 
 from commuting fiich a Sin. 
 
 Mifs Fafp^ tho' chagreen'd to Death, 
 could not help fmiling at the Girl's in- 
 nocent Notions of Sin; but then recol- 
 ledling fuch poor Creatures Ihould be 
 kept in the Dark ; fhe gave the Girl the 
 following Advice. 
 
 Bett)\ you are; never to let the Men 
 take any Liberties v;ith you — No^ in- 
 deed^ Madam — Don't interrupt me, 1 fay, 
 Betty, if once you put yourfelf into a 
 Man's Power, it's juft as if I was to give 
 my Squirrel a Suit of Gauze Linnen to 
 play with -, they'll ruin fuch poor Girls 
 as you, Betty, Soul and Body. — Very 
 true, indeed, Mada7n, They take no 
 more Notice of fuch Wenches as you, 
 after they have had their Wills of you, 
 than I do of a broken Tea-cup — For 
 Men are Monders — Monfcers, Betty \ — 
 And Virtue, Child, is the beil Portion 
 a poor Perfon can have •, — For Content 
 is always better than great Riches ; be- 
 fides, not only Sin, but the Shame that 
 attends fuch Doings-— For fuppofe, now, 
 you was to have a Baftard, and not 
 wherewithal to maintain it, then you 
 might be put into Bridewell. 
 Maid. 
 
 O, dear Madam, I never will be a 
 Whore, as long as I live, Mifs,
 
 T O xM F O O L. ef 
 
 Mifs. 
 
 Don'r, Betty ^ for it is the moll fcanda- 
 lous Life in the World ^ and there can 
 be no Pleafure in it, that I infift upon. 
 — To let Men — No— Henceforth I de- 
 teft the Idea — Villains, Betrayers, bale 
 Betrayers — I'm refolved — I'll fhut myfelf 
 
 up from their Sight. An involuntary 
 
 Sigh prevented her making any morq 
 rafh Refolutions •, and fhe for fome 
 Time fat fiient. Loft in Thought, with 
 folded Arms, and downcaft Eyes, un- 
 til roufed by a too fevere Remembrance, 
 fne upftarted, ordering the trembhng 
 Betty to attend her, to unpin, to draw 
 the Curtains, and read her to Sleep. 
 
 Once more. Reader, behold Mifs 
 Fajh in Bed •, her Maid at her Side, with 
 a Catch- penny Novel in her Hand— • 
 Before Betty had ton'd thro' three Pages— 
 (matchlefs Force of Stupidity) Mifs Fafh, 
 tho' miuch difturbed before, grew re- 
 figned— her Sighs fubfide— -fhe turned 
 her tear-dewed Cheek to the downy Pil- 
 low, which, fwelling to her PrefTure, 
 hid the fineft Profile that even Mr. 
 Hiidfon ever imitated ; and a foft breath- 
 ing Slumber filenced all her Sorrows. 
 
 Betty kept not long awake after •, the 
 Narcotic Volume operated equal on the 
 
 delicate
 
 ^8 The History of 
 
 Delicate and the Coarfe •, for, like the 
 Plague, Dulnefs fhews no Refped; to 
 Perfons. 
 
 Down from her fnuffy Fingers Hid the 
 Book, back dropped her ftrengthlefs 
 Arms, againfb the Indian Cabinet fhe 
 lolled her Head, and with loud Snores 
 proclaimed the Reign of Sleep ; to whofe 
 black Wand each Inhabitant of the Hall 
 was now refigned j Vv'hile, from Bed to 
 Bed, the fantaftic fairy Vifion tripped, 
 whifpering in each Ear, Scenes formerly 
 tran{a6led, or frightening, flattering and 
 fooling them with future Profpeds, and 
 unconneded Events. 
 
 C H A P.
 
 TOM FOOL. 69 
 
 CHAP. XIV. 
 
 AT the Bottom of a new-made 
 Stack, cut like an inverted Cone, 
 with an Arm-full of Hay for his Pil- 
 low, poor 'Tom lay deeping -, the mild 
 beaming Moon brightening every Object 
 around him. 
 
 The dillant Steeples, Turrets, and 
 Slate-topped Houfes feemed filvered — 
 beneath the Hedges Gloom, the Glow- 
 worms glimmered thro' the leafy Trees ♦, 
 the whifpering Wind rocked the little 
 Birds to Reft, that were perched on the 
 Velvet-budding Branches •, the Dew- 
 moiftened Grafs ghflened, as if thick 
 fown with Pearl; the bleating Ewes, 
 and baaing Lambs lay by him ; and, on 
 an up-hill Land, at Diftance, with Legs 
 bent underneath them, chewing the Cud, 
 the lowing Herds were refted ; while 
 midft the Reeds a ripling Rivulet Ihin- 
 ing, (lowly rolled over the Water-po- 
 liflied Pebbles •, and the unclouded Arch 
 of Heaven, fludded with Stars, cano- 
 pied the Landfkape. 
 
 Twilight foon brought on Day ; the 
 Cock began to clap his Wings, kawing 
 Rooks forfook their Elms, the Face of 
 
 Earth frefh opened to the Sun. But 
 
 ubat
 
 yo The History of 
 
 what is all this Defcription for ? (Thus 
 intelligent Readers may cry out) But to 
 flop all future Fault-finders, the Tran- 
 fcriber afTures them, it was wrote for,— 
 for,— for the Sake of Defcription. 
 
 I'om FooU awoke by the Birds, made 
 the heft of his Way to Town, to col- 
 led; his Debts, and then refolved to go 
 to London^ and look after his Relations ; 
 and find out the Reafon why his Father 
 difinherited him. 
 
 The firft Perfon T^om went to, was a 
 Publican, to whom he had lent ten 
 Pounds \ had always twirled his Chafers 
 there, and recommended him to Sir 
 ^afty to have the Baronet's Cuflom ; 
 and which, upon T^orn^ fpeaking, the 
 Publican obtained. 
 
 I fhall not take upon me to defcribe 
 the fudden Change of Voice, Sentiment 
 and Countenance, with which the Ale- 
 feller was marked, upon hearing of Tom's 
 Difgrace from his own Mouth. Every 
 Perfon who meets with Misfortunes, is 
 fure of meeting with fuch Subjedls. 
 
 Indeed, Tom (thus the Inn-keeper 
 opened) you have done fome very bad 
 Thing at his Honour's, or elfe fuch 
 good Folks, as the Gentry at the Hall 
 are, would never have turned you away, 
 at once fo, without a Charaiter. For 
 
 my
 
 TOMFOOL. 71 
 
 my Part, I fliall be glad to fee yoii, if 
 you can make it up with his Honour, 
 but not elfe ; becaufe, if his Honour 
 fhould know, I fhould harbour you, why, 
 he might never put his Horfeb up here 
 
 again. 
 
 Tom looked a little furprized, but was 
 too much of a Fool to fly in a Paffion. 
 He aiked the Publican, mildly, for the 
 ten Pounds -, the other denied he owed 
 him any. Young Foci had been fo (illy, 
 as not to take a Note for the Money ; 
 for he was fo very foolifh, as to fuppofe 
 Mankind honed, through Principle ; 
 and was weak enough to believe, that 
 thofe School-boy Terms, Integrity,, Gra- 
 titude, Friendfhip, public Spirit, Libe- 
 rality and Fidelity ; (Words that he had 
 often made Themes upon) were real 
 Qualities, and inherent among the hu- 
 man Species. With Indignation he left 
 his abandoned Hofr, and went to others, 
 whom he had formedy obliged with 
 ready Money, but never before afked 
 them for it j for he thought, as indeed 
 every Fool will, that Mankind, being 
 influenced by the Examples of their Bet- 
 ters, to behave as well as they can, con- 
 fequently they would pay him as foon as 
 they were able. 
 
 Yet
 
 72 The History of 
 
 Yet not a Tingle Shilling could he get j 
 It was all over with him ; he was not 
 now his Honour's, Sir Taftfs^ Favourite; 
 no, he was only Tom Fool out of Place, 
 fo what fignified paying him, he could 
 never lend them again, therefore they 
 had better keep what they had got.— In 
 this Manner, we fuppofe, they reafoned; 
 for akho' we can't fee fo far into every 
 Man's Head, as Dejcartes did, we have 
 often attended Ledlu res upon the human 
 Heart, and to our Sorrow, we declare, 
 that the Generality of two-footed Exif- 
 tencies, vulgarly called Barons of the 
 Creation, have very feldom noble Blood, 
 ebbing or flowing within any of their 
 Ventricles. 
 
 The Reception 'Tom met with made 
 him uneafy. The greateil Ideot that 
 ever was born, muft have been fhocked 
 at fuch Behaviour, (By Ideots, I don't 
 mean thofe unhappy Objefts, whofe de- 
 fe6live Organs miake them May-games 
 to the founder-formed Part of the 
 World. I mean, it would have fliocked 
 that Society of Men, who are nick- 
 named Ideots by their V/ives, their Bro- 
 thers, their Friends, their Partners, Ma- 
 kers, and kept MiftrefTes.) 
 
 Tom fet himfelf upon a Bench in the 
 new Walk, and there the Fool began to 
 
 cry •,
 
 TOM FOOL. 73 
 
 cry ; not that he was frightened at a ' 
 Prorpe<5l of his own wretched Circum- 
 ftances.— No ', but forry for the Villainy 
 of Men ; and a felf Comparii'on, to thiiilc 
 how he had been cheated. 
 
 Mifs ^^wt'vV/^ happened jufl: then to be 
 walking in the fame Place, ruminating 
 upon the Adventure of Mifs l^afto^ and 
 young /^d?^/ •, for Sir T'afty had breakfaft- 
 ed with her ; and told her a lo^ng Story 
 about his Sifter's Weaknefs. When 
 Mifs Bonville came to the Bench where 
 ^om fat, (lie knew him at once ; ilie 
 feated herfelf by him, and feeing him 
 afflicted, very compafTionately took him 
 by the Hand, told him, (lie knew what 
 ail'd him, and infifted on his going 
 Home with her. 
 
 Tom could not at firft recollect her; 
 for as Sir Tajifs Family had lent her fe- 
 veral good Things, and the Baronet 
 had fallen in Love with her, (he was 
 very elegantly dreffed •, when he found 
 out who fhe was, he was lb overjoyed"* 
 to fee fuch an Alteration in her for the' 
 better, that he forgot all his own CrofT^s, 
 and went Home with her, with as much 
 Joy, as if he had been the Baronet him- 
 ielf. 
 
 Mils Bonv'i'k could not get a Syllable 
 
 concerning Mifs Fafij out of ^an Fao^ 
 
 E una!
 
 74 The History of 
 
 until Hie told him, that Sir Tafy^ no 
 ' longer ago than that Morning, fwore to 
 her, that he caught Tom and his Sitier 
 in Bed together. No, indeed. Ma- 
 dam, {Tom cried out, eagerly interrupt- 
 ing her) no. Madam, as I hope for Salva- 
 tion, J had never an Intimacy with Mifs 
 Fafli •, indeed, I never had- —I love her 
 dearly — dearly^ indeed, I love her ', but it is 
 a hove of Lfteem^ of RefpecJ, I wifro her 
 happy, I would die to make her fo. 
 
 Either the Manner in which Tom fpoke 
 this, or a grateful Remembrance of Tom's 
 former good Nature •, that Moment upon 
 Mifs Bonville, 2l fudden Thrill (hot thro' 
 her Bofom, her Eyes Iwam withTender- 
 nefs ; ihefeized young Fool's Hand, and 
 in a Tone, which is properly the Food 
 of Eove ', file murmured, O ^om Fool^ 
 you may make any Woman happy. 
 
 Tom, tho'aFool, was not irienfible ; 
 he was gently giving Way to the agree- 
 able PrelTure -, but recollecting that he 
 ought to clear up Mils Fafio\ Reputation, 
 he kified Mils Bcnville's Hand, and 
 begged her Fermifilon to relate the 
 Affair with Sir Tajtfs Sifter, as it really 
 haopened ; Mifs toid him, flie fhould be 
 glad to hear it; upon which To7n imme- 
 diately related what, if the Reader 
 pleafes, he may read in the next Chapter. 
 
 CHAP.
 
 TOM FOOL. 75 
 
 C H A P. XV. 
 
 MAdam, my Father was a Baronet, 
 whom, indeed, 1 have never 
 feen fince I went to School •, he died 
 about three years ago, and for what 
 Realbn, I know not, cut me off with 
 a ShilHng. Ever fince I left School, I have 
 lived at Lady Grott's -, but as to her 
 Daughter's Intimacy with me---Indeed, 
 Madam, Mil's Fajh is wronged -, I 
 would'nt have opened my Lips about 
 her to any one Perfon living, had not 
 her Brother been pleafed to enlarge To 
 very much upon his Siller's Behaviour. 
 
 I mufb confefs, I believe Mifs Ft^.fo 
 had a Sort of Friendfhip for me ; and 
 her Manner of Behaviour to me, when 
 fhe took me to walk out with her, made 
 me wiQi myfelf to be in proper Circum- 
 ilances, that I dared to have taken No- 
 tice of it.— But, as I was— -I knew it 
 would be bafe in me, to feem to under- 
 fland her— For I love her, Madami— - 
 And could I entice her to do any Thing 
 beneath her Rank, which fhe mull have 
 done, had fhe carried on a Correfpon- 
 dence with her Brother's Servant. 
 
 (N. B. " This was the fjlfome Chap- 
 
 " tcr that Madam X. X. complained of, 
 
 **• declaring it was a frightful horrid 
 
 E 2 Book J
 
 76 T H :e History of 
 
 " Book ', and only full of Antediluvian 
 
 " Notions.") 
 
 It happened, Madam, that Mifs Fajb 
 Yelterday met me in the Flower-garden, 
 and throwing a Paper at me, faid, pray, 
 Mr. Fooi^ write me a fair Copy of that 
 Song ; colouring as red as Scarlet, when 
 ihe Ipoke ; and then, wifked away from 
 me in a Moment. It was a Note, I 
 own, for me to meet her that Evening at 
 Twelve in her Drefiing Room. I was 
 flruck when I read it •, it was not that 
 I was afraid, made me hefitate •, no, I 
 could have gone thro' greater Dangers 
 for her. — PP^eil, Tom, I kno'UD you are a 
 generous Fellow -, but^ come to the Appoint' 
 
 went But, indeed, Madam, I never 
 
 went there •, I could not in Juftice, or 
 in Duty. Mifs FaJJj^ Madam, might 
 take what Liberties fhe pleafed, but I 
 had no Right to take any with her. I 
 was her Brother's Servant, and fhould 
 defend her Honour. — You may fmile. 
 Madam, at my pretending to defend a 
 Lady's Honour ; but I only mean, as 
 far as I am able. 
 
 Ronville. 
 
 TFell^ dear Tom, you are fo comical^ 
 pray excufe my friiling. 
 
 Every Lady may pleafeherfelf, Madam. 
 
 Bonville.
 
 TOM FOOL, 77 
 
 Bonville. 
 
 But, pray, Mr. Fool, how did you ex- 
 citfc y our f elf from the Jffignation ? 
 lorn. 
 
 I went immediately into my own 
 Room, wrote a Letter to Sir Tajly, in 
 which I begged Pardon for my abrupt 
 Departure •, but told him, I was com- 
 pelled to fet out immediately to fee af- 
 ter my Relations -, my Accounts he had 
 looked over and ballanced -, all was clear, 
 and I left the Keys in my Defic •, then I 
 again read Mifs Fnfh's Note, and burnt 
 it in the Candle, leaftl fiiould lofe it by 
 fome Accident ; then, with my Mind a 
 little eafier, went to Bed, refolving to 
 fet out early in the Morning -, bur I was 
 prevented by the Butler, who, between 
 one and two, made me drefs myfelf, and 
 brought m.e my Difcharge. . I went 
 away, and finiihed my Sleep in our 
 Home Clofe. 
 
 _ Mifs Bonville began to feel for Toni,, 
 that Sort of Affection which is generally 
 called Love i but in the Didlionary of 
 the PalTions, it is fet down under the Ar- 
 ticle Enjoyment ^ and, as flie bent her 
 Head towards his Bread, told him, my 
 dear Tom Foolijouare worthy any Lady's 
 ho'vc. 
 
 E 3 Juil
 
 78 The History of 
 
 Jail: then a loud Rap at the Door 
 flopped any farther Connexion between 
 them. Mils BonviUe expeded the Ba- 
 ronet to execute the Settlement that Day, 
 therefore hurried Tom out through the 
 Garden-gate ; but charged him to meet 
 her next Day, at the fame Time and 
 PJace again. 
 
 Oh, how did flie lament her Misfor- 
 tune, and curfe the Tedioufnefs of Law- 
 yers ; for, as fhe obferved, had I been 
 but in PofTefTion of my two Hundred a 
 Year, then I Ihould not have been in 
 luch Awe and Fear of this Fop Tafty^ 
 nor been forced to have hurried away 
 that fine fpirited Fellow, Tom Fool., like 
 a Thief. But (lie comforted herfelf, the 
 Fatigue would foon be over, and that 
 'lo morrow Hie iliould meet him again. 
 
 When Mifs BonviUe returned into the 
 Parlour, expecting Sir Tafty^ fhe was 
 
 furprized It was not his Honour ; 
 
 no, it was her Honour Madam Church- 
 %varden, who came to invite the young 
 Lady to dine with her. Chagreened Mifs 
 BonviUe., whofe Soul was all young FooUs^ 
 and who could have talked about him 
 from Morning Song-time, to Evening 
 Vefpers, aiked Madam Thrums if (he 
 had heard the News zboutTom Fool? — 
 Dear Mame, replied the Queen of die 
 
 Veftry^
 
 TOM FOOL. 79 
 
 Veftry, to be fure, I did hear Lady 
 Dowager's Woman fay, that Mifs Fajh 
 was in Love with him, but I promifed 
 never to fpeak of it again. 
 
 Immediately Mifs Bonville related, or, 
 more properly, exaggerated all fhe had 
 heard •, infifhing on it, that, to her Know- 
 ledge, Mifs Fajh would have had Tom 
 Fool come to Bed to her •, but he was a 
 Lad of fo much Honour, that he chofc 
 rather to leave the Houfe half naked, than 
 ruin his young Lady. She praifed Tom 
 up to the Skies, brought Mifs Fa/Jfs 
 
 Reputation down to ^but it is not to 
 
 be wondered at, altho' the very fear- 
 let Luteftring Sack Mifs BoTiville then 
 had on, Lady Grott's Daughter but iail 
 Week had fent her from the Mercer's. — O 
 Love, O Jealoufy, What is it thou wilt 
 not do ? — Or, indeed, What is it tiiou 
 wilt not undo ^ 
 
 Madam Thrum took Leave of Mil's Bou- 
 vilky the Moment that young Lady had 
 finifhed her Narration. Madam Warden 
 was Eagernefs herfelf, to be firft Reporter 
 of this Piece of News ; therefore quick 
 curtfying along the Entry, and fhuffling 
 on her Cloggs, fhe hallened to give 
 Vent to the mighty Secret ; leaving Mifs 
 Bonville to her own Thoughts, and Sir 
 E 4 Tajif^
 
 So The History of 
 
 TaJJy'j Converfation ; ^vho foon arrived 
 with his proper Appendages. 
 
 Perhaps the Reader expe<5ls we fliould 
 relate, or let M'lis Bonvi/le rehtt her own 
 Life. We would do fo, was there any 
 Thing in it new or furprizing ; but ihe 
 met with nothing; but what we fee over 
 and over every Day. 
 
 Her Father was a Country Gentleman, 
 poiTefTed of 900I. per Jnnum^ all which 
 he threw away in Eie6lion and Hunting. 
 '—This you fay is very common. 
 
 Mifs Bonvilk was an only Daughter, 
 the Tcaft of the Country, bred up with 
 the utmoil Delicacy •, and being told by 
 her Mama, fhe was fit for a Dutchefs, 
 defpifed every Man below a Title •, and 
 at lad run away with an Officer. — This 
 you'll allow to be very common. 
 
 And that her Mama was immode- 
 rately fond of Cards, and that llie loft 
 iarge Sums *, but after Mr. Bonvilk lay'd 
 down his Equipage, her Spirits were fo 
 funk, . that flie was prefcribed Cordial 
 Waters •, but taking them rather too 
 freely, a Confumption and Dropfy in 
 about ten Months after carried her off. 
 — Common again. 
 
 Mifs Bonvilk\ Lover was killed in 
 Flanders the firft Campaign ; fhe then 
 had another, then a Third, a Fourth, 
 
 Fifth,
 
 TOM FOOL. Si 
 
 Fifrh, and Sixth. — This is very ccr,imo7t — 
 At lad fhe came into England with a 
 Jew Merchant ; he was fiezed for a Spy, 
 and committed to Gaol. In Prifon fhe 
 was delivered of her fecond Child, and 
 ?\\^ (laid with her Hebrew Acquaintance 
 till every Necefiary fhe had was con- 
 fumed i and came away from him to 
 lay her Cafe open to the Town Folks 
 where flie was born, when Tcm Fool 
 found her as before mentioned. 
 
 E ^ C FI A P.
 
 82 The History of 
 
 1 
 
 CHAP. XVI. 
 
 H E News of Tom's Difsrace quic 
 
 ]y was fpread over the Town •, but 
 v^'hen the Women came to be certain he 
 might have had Mifs Fajh, if he would, 
 and that it was only his Fault, that fhe 
 was not ruined ; they mobbed him, and 
 
 hifs'd him, called him Mclly Nay, 
 
 we don't know what Lengths they might 
 have proceeded, had not my Lady 
 Groil's Poll Chariot broke through the 
 llirong, and fomebody in it called up- 
 on Tom Fool', it was my Lady's Wo- 
 man, v/ho came to Town on Purpofe 
 to find him. 
 
 She had longed, wiilied, to have fome 
 fecret Converfation with young Fool; 
 but knowing Mils Fa/Ifs Inclinations 
 were alfo bent that Way, as Mark An- 
 thony did, when C^far kept Cleopatra, 
 fhe could only figh in fecret. 
 . But as foon as theNewsof ^<;;;^'j Difmif- 
 fion reached her, Pne borrowed theChariot, 
 refolving to find him out ; which fliedid 
 very critically, refcuing him out of the 
 Hands of an irritated Mob, and conveyed 
 him to the George.—Sht ordered the 
 Horfes to be put up, enquired of Tom 
 what he would eat, befpoke a broiled 
 
 Fowl
 
 TOMFOOL. S^ 
 
 Fowl and Mufhrooms, bid the Poflij- 
 lion get Ibme Ale, ordered a Bottle of 
 Madeira \ and then fat herfelf down, 
 panting for Want of Breath -, lamenting 
 how ftupid Servants were in Public- 
 Houfes, that they mud be told fo many 
 Times what they fhouM bring. 
 
 Then, direding herfelf to young FooU 
 fhe afked him, if he was not in a grea" 
 Quandary, now he had loft his Place, 
 and was without a Charader. 
 Ton, 
 No^ MaJam, I floall r,ow make the heft 
 of my Way to London, and fee after 7ny 
 Relations. 
 
 Mrs. Fiinrns, 
 That will be very dutifully done, in- 
 deed, Mr. Thomas \ but I'll tell you 
 what. Child, I would not have you go tv'> 
 London, as yet, becauk/as why —I in- 
 tend going up to London inyfelf, fliortly, 
 and we'll go together. 
 
 Tom bowed, and thanked her — zvhcn 
 
 fje thus went on — Till I go to London, 
 
 'Mi*. Fool, I would have you go and fta^- 
 
 with my Brother ; he is Biider to'lvlf. 
 
 Lnvoyce, the rich Merchant. Til giVr; 
 
 you a Letter To-day, and you fiiall U-i 
 
 off with it in the Morning. I won't b'.' 
 
 many Weeks after you, for .1 fcorn fo 
 
 E 6 . " iU/
 
 S4 The History of 
 
 (lay in a Family where they have ufed 
 you fo ilh 
 
 Young Fool hoped, he told her, fhe 
 would not lofe fo good a Place, as La- 
 dy Grolfs^ upon his Account. 
 Mrs, Flimms, 
 
 Dent you mind that^ Tom, 7ior donU 
 he cafi down. 
 
 FooL 
 
 I am not call down, Madam, I have 
 done no Harm. 
 
 Mrs. Flimms, 
 
 That's true, Tom^ but it's more out 
 of your Goodnefs, than our Mifs's Mo- 
 defty. — Mifs — yes, yes, fhe'U be any 
 Body's Mifs fhordy — a pretty Piece of 
 Work, truly, to turn a poor Lad out of 
 Doors at Midnight. — Well, thank God, 
 I don't value Service of a Row of Pins. 
 If I a'nt fo handfome as Mifs Fajh^ what 
 then, i am a more honeiier Woman •, 
 and if you like me, Tom^ as well as I 
 like you, why, when I come away from 
 my Place, I'll make you my Hufband. 
 
 'Tom replied, he was very m.uch oblig- 
 ed to her, to be fure -, and that it was 
 gfeat Good-nature in her, to take fo 
 mucii Notice of him, and that he would 
 never forget it, but ferve her by Night 
 and by Day. The Reply pleafed Mrs. 
 Flimms, fhe wrote him the Letter imme- 
 diately j and as ihc gave it him, he 
 
 thanked
 
 TOM FOOL. 85 
 
 thanked her, and very gallantly kifTed 
 her Hand •, this fhe returned, by falut- 
 ing his Lips, and prefTing him clofe to 
 her j her Arms about his Waiil, her 
 
 Eyes But the abrupt Entrance of 
 
 young Bloody prevented any farther Pro- 
 ceedings on either Side. 
 
 Young Blood was a Neighbour of Sir 
 I'aflyh^ and an Admirer of Mifs Faflj — 
 not with an Intent to marry her — butjuft 
 to have an Affair with her •, or at lead, 
 to be fo intimate in the Family, that it 
 might feem as if he had. For this Rea- 
 fon, her Brother and he were as great as 
 two Gamblers. He had heard of "Toni?^ 
 Caie, and being told by the Drawer, 
 that he was in the Houfe along v/ith 
 Lady Dowager's Woman, he opened the 
 Door upon them (true Politenefs confifts 
 in Freedom) called for a clean Glafs, fat 
 himfeif down, aflced Mrs. Flimms how 
 (he didi and then thus addreffed himfeif 
 to Tom, 
 
 Blood. 
 
 So, my Lad, What's all this Hub- 
 bub about you and Bett Fa[h ? If you 
 did get to Bed to her, fo much the bet- 
 ter ; I honour you for it, you are a Fel- 
 low of Spirit. 
 
 Tom, 
 
 Indeed, Sir, but I never was guilty — 
 
 Blood.
 
 S6 The History or 
 
 Blood. 
 Don't deny it, neither, Tom^—don^ 
 hum us — for if a Man an't afhamed of 
 lying with a Woman, Why fhould he be 
 alhamed of telling it ? 
 
 Mrs. Flimms here interrupted, alTuring 
 the Squire, that upon her Honour, it 
 was no fuch Thing. Tom Fool is a 
 likely Fellow to be fure^ and the beft Lady 
 in the Land, for that Mattel'^ might like 
 him — -Jhe obferved, 
 
 'Tom Fool. 
 Sir, begging Mrs. Flimm^s Pardon, I 
 am innocent. 
 
 Blood. 
 O, rot your Innocence. 
 To7n Fool. 
 I hope. Sir, it's not a Sin to be inno- 
 cent, Is it, Sir ? 
 
 Blood. 
 No, but it's a damn'd Shame, tho' — • 
 come here's your Health — you are a ve- 
 ry hkely Fellow, and if you did get to 
 Bed to her. — 
 
 To7n Fool. 
 If you had been in my Place, would 
 -you. Sir ? 
 
 Blood. 
 Would I ? Toll de roll—There's a 
 Queftion, indeed ; Why, wouldn't you, 
 Mr. Mock Modefty ? 
 ^■'- '* Tom.
 
 TOMFOOL. ^7 
 
 Tom Fool. 
 No, indeed. Sir, my Duty, my Con- 
 fcience, my Religion forbid me. 
 Blood, 
 You ha'nt your Name for nothing. 
 You are To7n Fool, indeed.-— Your Reli- 
 gion forbids you ?— What the Devil Re- 
 ligion are you of ?— A Papift ?— For I 
 am fure, our Parfons don't forbid us 
 getting to Bed to a pretty Girl, they do 
 it themfelves. 
 
 Tom Fool. 
 Pray, Sir, may I be fo bold to afk 
 your Opinion of Honour ?— Don't take 
 it ill, Sir — I only do it for Information 
 Sake-— Pray, Sir, in what does Honour 
 confill? 
 
 Blood. 
 Why, in every Thing-— But, pray, 
 do you mean a Gentleman's Honour, or 
 a Lady's? 
 
 Tom Fool. 
 I thought they had been the fame, Sir. 
 
 Blood. 
 No, no, damned different y for now, 
 in the firft Place, a Man of Honour 
 muft never give up any Thing.— Now, 
 as to a Lady, fhe, you know, may do 
 as fhe pleafes •, and then a Man of Ho- 
 nour muft be quite the Thing too.— - 
 Now the Lady's Honour is another 
 
 Thing.
 
 88 T H £ H r s T or y of 
 
 Thing.---Becaure, if fupponng you was 
 to be a Man of Honour, as well as me, 
 why, then if Tm affronted, or fuppofmg 
 
 that any Lady fnould let a In fhort, 
 
 a Man of Honour is every Thing, and 
 he who is not a Man of Honour, is no- 
 thing at all, and not worth keeping 
 Company with.— So here's to you— - 
 
 During this Argument, Mrs. Flimms 
 had been very attentive, as to the Man- 
 ner, more than the Matter of it. 'Tom 
 Poors palTive Deportment, his downcafl 
 Look, mild Tone of Voice, and calm 
 Face, made her think he was not well. 
 
 But Squire 5/<?(?^'sVociferation, clench- 
 ing his Fift, hitting it againft the Wain- 
 fcot, and firmly ftamping acrofs the 
 Room, gave an Alarm to her Senfibi- 
 lities. The many Bumpers (he had 
 drank afTifting her Ideas, fhe fighed, (he 
 wifhed, (he longed ♦, nay, flie, refolved 
 to have a tele a tete Converfation with 
 the Squire ; not that flie intended to dif- 
 QdiX^Tom -, but,ju[l as other Ladies have 
 done before her, fhe fancied the Gen- 
 tleman. — Therefore loc^king at her 
 Watch, fhe defired Mr. Fool to have the 
 Chaife greafed, and begged he'd fland 
 by, and fee it done, and have the Horfes 
 put too. As foon as Tom left the Room, 
 ihe turned to young Bloody ftrnpering^ 
 
 and
 
 TOM FOOL. Hg 
 
 and lifped out, I wonder how you could 
 talk fo wickedly to Tom^ Sir, about get- 
 ting to Bed to a Woman? — Dear Heart, 
 you are enough to corrupt a Saint -, in- 
 deed, I ihould be afraid to be trufted 
 long alone with you. 
 
 Bloody to whom all Women were alike 
 (as a Man in a Fever never taftes the 
 Liquor he fwallows) feized Mrs. Flimms 
 by the Wrift, and gave her three or four 
 KiiTes out of Fun, which fhe took by 
 way of Frolic. — But, fure, her unlucky 
 Planet ruled that Day, for Toyns Re- 
 turn broke off all farther Farley. 
 
 Young Fool informed Mrs. Flimms^ 
 that Ned^ the Whipper-in, was come 
 from the Hall, for her to go Home im- 
 mediately •, and that the Ofller had al- 
 ready greafed the Wheels, and the 
 Horfes were put to. 
 
 We mufl-all learn to bear Misfor- 
 tunes. — She replied. Servants had belter 
 he Slaves •, hut^ thank God, it would not 
 be longfo. She charged Tom to fet off 
 _with the Letter diredly \ then feated her- 
 feif in the Chariot, and leaning out of 
 the Window, told Squire Bloody if he 
 had a Mind to hear how Things went at 
 their Houfe, there was Room by her ; 
 but he, like all other very impudent Fel- 
 lows, who are always bafhful out of 
 
 Seafon,
 
 go The History of 
 
 Seafon, declined the Proffer ;---Thanked 
 her, but faid, he rnuil wait for a Friend, 
 made his Bow, and retreated into the 
 Parlour. Mrs. Flimms nodded not in 
 Return, but pulled up the Glafs, and 
 fullenly threw herfelf back, bidding the 
 Boy go on to the Hall, where we'll fet 
 her down, and juH: fee her fafe into the 
 Cordial Clofet, and there leave her, con- 
 foling herfelf with the never-failing Nof- 
 trum for all Difappointments. 
 
 C H A P.
 
 TOM FOOL. 91 
 
 CHAP. XVII. 
 
 EXcufe me, Reader, if I don't parti- 
 cularife the Method in which young 
 Fool travelled ; for in Writing, as in 
 Painting, fome Things are to be left to 
 the ConoifTeur's Imagination. After a 
 little Enquiry, our Hero arrived at the 
 Gentleman's, to whom Mrs, Flimms^s 
 Brother was Butler. 
 
 Mr. Ephraim Invoyce was born upon 
 Dowgatehill^ An. Bom. 1698-, his Fa- 
 ther was a wealthy Corn-chandler ; 
 young Ephraim married againft his Pa- 
 rents Confent, and had only a hundred 
 Pounds left him at the old Man's De- 
 ceafe, which happened foon after. 
 
 With this Money, the fond Couple 
 kept a Cyder-cellar •, and Mrs. Invoyce 
 being a very fine Figure, had many Ad- 
 mirers. She, as well as her Hulband, 
 had difobliged her Relations by her hafty 
 Wedding — But Love, to them, was 
 before all the Riches in the V/orld. — 
 This they often declared. — However, 
 Mr. Invoyce had not been a Hufband a- 
 bove a Year, before he began to refledt 
 upon the Folly of Love and Honour ; 
 and findingr there was nothing like turn- 
 ing the Penny, he determined, fince 
 
 his
 
 92 The History of 
 
 his Wife had loil him one Fortun?, dii; 
 fhould get him another; fhe was now in 
 her Bloom, and every Body praifed her. 
 
 He foon made herfenfible, how much 
 it was for boih their Interefts, that fhe 
 fhould give fome of her Lovers En- 
 couragement, and that it was proper to 
 make Men pay for their Courtihip -, and 
 that file would not be the worfe, and 
 as how their Betters did it. 
 
 The Duty of a Wife is to obey, Mrs. 
 Invoyce became very dutiful -, her Spoufe 
 increafed in Wealth, he fat up a Tavern, 
 caught her in Bed with a rich Jew^ by 
 iigreement \ recovered fwingeing Da- 
 mages, left off the Vintner's Bufmefs, 
 and turned Wine-merchant. 
 
 His Lady dying, he married the Wi- 
 dow Eld^ from PauV% Wharf; fhe died 
 of a Surfeit, in about a Mepth after 
 Confummation, and \^ii him all her For- 
 tune, which was upwards of 20,000/. 
 
 Madam Lyme^ the IVefl Indian Relid, 
 liC made his AddrefTes to. Slie was im- 
 menfely rich^ and confcnted to give him 
 her Hand ; but they had not been wed 
 above tv/o Years, before he was again 
 left a difconfolate Widower -, his Lady 
 having been overturned in the Chariot, 
 as fhe was going to BiUingfgate to buy 
 fome Filh for an Entertainment they 
 
 were
 
 TOM FOOL. 93 
 
 were to have the next Day. Her Enemies 
 iay, that i"he was fomewhat intoxicated 
 before llie fell •, but be that as it may be, 
 fhe never fpcke after they picked her 
 up. But to do Mr, Livoyce Juflice, he 
 caufed her to lie in State, and buried 
 her with all imaginable Splendor. 
 
 By Trade and Matrimony Ephraim 
 had amafled a vail Sum of Money i he 
 therefore refolved to retire from Bufi- 
 nefs, and live genteel for the Remain- 
 der of his Life ; and as he was now 
 refolved not to marry for Money, but 
 for Honour •, he took to himfelf 
 Lady Titled Daughter, a beautiful 
 young Lady, with all the Acconipiifh- 
 ments to render the married State hap- 
 py. She was the moft notable Creature 
 exifting, either at bidding in an Auction 
 Room, or doing the Duties of her own 
 Card Table •, and then, fuch a Memory. 
 — She had all Hojie by Heart. — She 
 was paflionately fond of Mufic, and 
 would not mifs a Concert for the Uni- 
 verfe •, add to all this, fhe had travelled, 
 and might iuflly be called an improved 
 Lady. She foon brought Mr. Invcyce in- 
 to her Way of Thinking, and he entered 
 into the very Spirit of Improvement. 
 
 When 7o7n arrived there, every 
 Thing around feemed to be marked for 
 
 im-
 
 g4 The History of 
 
 improving, or had been improved. Mr. 
 Invoyce^ to fave Charges, had bought 
 a Gentleman's Houfe, which he new- 
 fronted with a vaft Heap of Stones 
 piled upon one another, with feveral 
 Air Holes at regular Diftances ; the 
 Building indenting, and then bulging, 
 as if the Plan of it had been fketched 
 fiom the irriguous Windings of the 
 Snake in Orpheus, To this was given 
 the Name of New Hall ; it was notched 
 all along the Top by way of Battlements •, 
 then it was buttriced, and as properly 
 turreted with feveral pyramidical and 
 feveral cylindrical Ornaments •, which 
 made it a compleat Thing, and might 
 be feen a great Way off. 
 
 Mr. Runic was the Architedb. 
 
 Each End of this was bricked up to 
 the Battlements, and that Brick-work 
 was baluftrated and pilaftered, and Fe- 
 netian windowed. Full South (or what 
 was called the Garden Front) this ele- 
 gant Structure (hone to the Sun, all 
 plaiftered and painted, partly in the 
 DtUch^ and partly in the Chinefe Man- 
 ner ♦, San Contour did the Brufh- 
 work. 
 
 The Gardens, Canals, Grottos, Ca- 
 taradts. Ha-has, Hermitages, Serpen- 
 tines, Temples and Pagodas, were laid 
 
 out
 
 T O M F O O L. ^5 
 
 out by Mynheer Zigg Zagg^ principal 
 Defigner, whom Sir 1^afty\ Father had 
 formerly brought over from Switzerland. 
 He was recommended by Lady GrottOy 
 on the earned Requeft of Lady Title^ 
 that Mr. Invoyce might have a right 
 Notion of Things ; and that the Gar- 
 dens might be made Places -fit for Peo- 
 ple of Fafhion to put their Feet in. 
 
 But altho' Mr. Invoyce^s Lady had 
 an Efteem for Mr. Zigg Zagg\ Tafte 
 and Genius, yet, as fhe had travelled her- 
 felf, fhe infilled now and then upon hav- 
 ing a Hint of her own executed ; and 
 juil as Tom Fool came up to the Defigner 
 to falute him (for they were Acquaint- 
 ance) the Swifs had received a puzzling 
 Order from my Lady, for fhe would 
 have twelve new Chtnefe Bridges gone 
 about, from Defigns that fhe had copied 
 from Fan- mounts. 
 
 Mr. Zigg Zagg was at a Lofs ^here to 
 put them •, he had already cut up a fine 
 Piece of Meadow Ground, to make a 
 crooked Trench, which they called 
 a Serpentine River \ but that Piece of 
 Water was to have two Pagodas,a Man- 
 darin Barge, and three floating Iflands 
 in it. He concluded to dig a Ditch for 
 them, where the Wall-fruit grew i for it 
 
 was
 
 96 The History of 
 
 was the Tafle at prefent to have every 
 Thing forced-, therefore thofe Trees were 
 nfeJers •, from the fame Principle, the 
 Brewery was turned into a Hot- bed for 
 Pines ; and the Cherry Orchard and Kitch- 
 en Garden into a Lake for a Venetian 
 Gondola. 
 
 When ^om Fool came amongft all 
 thefe Preparations, he could not make 
 half of them out — But as he was a Fool, 
 it's not to be wondered at. Yet I mult 
 fpeak fo much in Favour of Horn's Un- 
 derflanding, that it would have puzzled 
 a Man of Senfe, if he had not a quite 
 right Notion of Things, to tell what the 
 People at this Place were doing. 
 
 Piled like Stacks of Billet-wood were 
 Heaps of Tree Roots, grubbed up to 
 make Hermitages. Near them were fe- 
 veral Waggon Loads of Chinefe Railings, 
 and Palif^-does for Temples, Pigfties, 
 Chicken-coops, Triumphal Arches and 
 Dog-kennels •, Gryphons, Unicorns, Mer- 
 maids, Awaiting Butchneny dancing Sai- 
 lors and piping Satyrs lay in Ranks, rea- 
 dy to be put up where they could find 
 Room for them. 
 
 yir.Zigg Zagg was fhaking 'T^om by 
 the Hand, when a MefTage came to him 
 from my Lady, who was then with her 
 Hufbandin aDifpute, which Mr. Invoyce 
 
 at
 
 TOMFOOL. 9? 
 
 at laft was forced to give up. The Cafe 
 was this. When her Ladyihip's Spoufe, 
 honeft Ephraim^ as he was called in the 
 City, firil got this Houfe, he decorated 
 with Stucco^ and mock bidia Paper, the 
 largefl Room in it-, and which had 
 formerly been a Library-place •, there- 
 fore he defigned it for the fame Ul'c 
 again, and had long ago fent Dimenfions 
 of the Shelves to his Bookfeller in Lon- 
 don^ to furnilli it accordingly •, but when 
 the Books arrived, and my Lady v/as 
 called in to give her Opinion concerning 
 the placing of the Volumes, fhe began 
 to like the Room fo well, nov/ it was 
 iiniflied, that flie told her Spoufe, it 
 would be ftupid to employ fo pretty a 
 Room as that was now, to fuch an out- 
 o-the-way Purpofe, as to put Books m 
 it. — Books ! — I fhall die, my Dear — Mr. 
 Invoyce, it's horridly provoking in you, 
 to think of fuch a Thing •, pray, let all" 
 this learned Lumber be put in the haunt- '^ 
 ed Garret, the Book-cafes you may 
 make Cock- pens of-, but, as to the 
 Room, pofitively, I fliall feize on that, 
 to keep m.y Affemblies in ; and accord- 
 ingly ordered Mr. Zigg Zagg to attend 
 her immediately, to help her to orna- 
 inent it, 
 
 F It
 
 gS The History of 
 
 It was thisMefTage made him leaveMr. 
 Fool fomewhat abruptly ; and as Mr. 
 Zigg Zagg knew the Butler was out, he 
 defired Tom]^^^ to ftep acrofs a Couple 
 ot Clofes to the Sexton's Houfe, and agree 
 with him for five Care Loads of Ivy, to 
 fringe fome Pieces of Walls ; the Re- 
 mains of three Farm Houfes, that my 
 Lady had pull'd down, to make a rui- 
 nous Profpecl, and alio begg'd Mr. Fool 
 to look about for fome broken Pieces of 
 Tomb-flones, that were pretty much 
 Mofs-grown, becaufe he wanted them 
 to face a Piece of new Antiquity. 'Tom 
 left the Letter of Mrs. Flimms with Mr. 
 Zigg Zagg^ and her Brother coming 
 Home, before Tom returned, the Epiftle 
 was given to him, the Contents of which 
 were as follows. 
 
 Annudumm'in7i Jpril \2. 175S. 
 
 Dear Brother, 
 
 TH E young Gentleman that brings 
 you this, is one of the bell-natur'd 
 Creatures living in all the world in a Fa- 
 mily j and is as honeft as the Day, and 
 the mod fobereit Lad withal. 
 
 Therefore I defire of all Love, and 
 Kindnefs, if you can put him in a gen- 
 teel Place in your Family, do j if you 
 
 can't
 
 TOM FOOL. 99 
 
 can't, pray let him ftay with you till 
 you fee me. Til pay all Expences •, and 
 alfo I fhall be with you in about three 
 Weeks. This young Youth liv'd in our 
 Houfe for fome Time, but he was too 
 good for urn, as well as fome other 
 Fokes arr : So our Mifs Fajh fel in love 
 with him ; Lord how likoris thefe line 
 Ladies arr. So becaufe he wawn't as 
 willing as {he, llie had him turned away 
 at a minuts Warning. But pray don'c 
 take any Notice of this at your Houfe, 
 tho' it's as true as the Gofpel, and you 
 may fay I faid fo. Which is all from your 
 
 Loving Sifter^ tull Ditb^ 
 
 Sarah Flimms. 
 
 Mrs. Flimms had a great Afcendency 
 over her Brother ; for he knew her to 
 be very rich, and he was her neareft Re- 
 lation. Her Wealth, which, for a 
 Waiting-woman was very confiderable, 
 being upwards of two thoufand Pounds j 
 mod of which fhe acquired by her incom- 
 parable Skill in Midwifery, at Bath^ 
 Brijfol^ Scarborough^ and djeltcnbara^ 
 where fhe had often praclifed with the 
 utmoft Succefs, and Secrefy, not only 
 in affifting married Ladies to provide 
 their Huibands with lawful born Chil- 
 F 2 dren,
 
 loo The History of 
 dren, but alfo in aiding unmarried La- 
 dies, and young Widows of Reputau- 
 on, to be deliver'd of their Illegitimates ; 
 for two different Pieces of fecret Service 
 of that Sort, Lady Grotto retain'd her as 
 her Woman, and Confidant. 
 
 The Letter had the wifh'd for Effed ; 
 the Butler received Tom^ when he came 
 from the Sexton's, with the utmoft Com- 
 plaifance -, and on his, and Mr. Zigg 
 Zaggh Recommendation, Tom was im- 
 mediately received into the Family •, and 
 all his Bufinefs was to wait upon her 
 I^a'fhip, Mr. Invoyce^s eldeil Daughtert 
 
 C H A Po
 
 TOM FOOL, 101 
 
 CHAP. XVIII. 
 
 rT^OM Fool^ by his Behaviour, foon 
 I. became a great Favorite -, but the 
 firft Evening, as he Hit in the Butler's 
 Room with the upper Servants, they en- 
 tertained a moft contemptible Opinion 
 ^of his Tafbe, Education, and Under- 
 flanding. For moft of the Domcftics, 
 botii Male and Female, belonging; to 
 Mr. In-voyce^ had a Mind to found tlie 
 Nev/-comer. 
 
 Firit, was Mr. BrdJJy, Mr. Invcyce's^ 
 Gentleman. 2dly, Mrs. Preferve^^ Lady 
 Titile^s Gentlewoman. 3dly, Mrs. Syrupy 
 theHouiekeeper, and her two Daughters, 
 Ci'.rolina anil Edg-rg. They waited up- 
 on the t vo young Ladies ; then there 
 was Booty, tae Groom, and Mrs. Fringle 
 the Parfon's Neceifary-woman (a Vifi- 
 tant.) They had got the Coachm.an, the 
 Huntfman, and two Footmen toinv'te rhe 
 Buder to a Match of Shuffle-board at 
 the Alehoufe, that they might examine 
 ^om Fool with more Freedom. 
 Groom, 
 
 Pray, young Man, what Sort of a 
 Place did you make of your laft ? 
 T^om. 
 
 \ never had any Faults found wlch me. 
 F 3 Groom,
 
 102 The History of 
 
 Groom, 
 Ay, but I mean, what Vails had you ? 
 What did you get by the Gentlefolks, 
 that came on Vifits to your Houfe. 
 Tom. 
 T never took any Thing from them, 
 my Mafter always paid me *, befides, I 
 had good Luck in the Matches I us'd to 
 i^td ; lu I got mere Money than I could 
 tell what to do with. 
 
 Groom, 
 Not tell what to do with Money ? 
 Where the Devil was you litter'd ? 
 Mrs, Prefernje. 
 Pray, James^ dont be fo vulgar j I 
 Tuppofe the young Man means, he cou'd 
 not lay it out as he wou'd. 
 Tom. 
 I lay'd it out very badly. Madam, for 
 I lent it, and loft my Friends by it. 
 Brajfy. 
 Did ever any Body talk fo fooliflily ? 
 I lott a Friend, and the only Friend I 
 ever had, by borrowing his Money •, but 
 as for lending — 
 
 Carolina, 
 Pray, young Man, had you much 
 Company vifited at your Houfe ? 
 Tom, 
 Yes, Ma'am, we had a great many Vi- 
 fitors. 
 
 Carolina, 
 And very good Company ? Tom.
 
 TOM FOOL. 103 
 
 I can't fay that, indeed Madam ^ they 
 ufed to be all very finely drefied, but they 
 did not talk fo well as 1 cou*d have wifh- 
 ed them. I ufed to defire my young 
 Matter to let me wait at Table, on Pur- 
 pofe that I might improve myfelf by 
 what fuch fine Folks faid. 
 
 What fignifies what they faid at Din- 
 ner -y Did they pay well afterwards ? 
 'Tojn. 
 
 I don't know, indeed 1 never took 
 
 any of their Money; I thought it made 
 my Mafter look as if he kept a Cook's- 
 Ihop. 
 
 Edging. 
 
 Ofurfeiting' Such a Simile ! I fhall 
 faint •, pray, dear Siller, lend me your 
 Salts •, Lord, I am immenfly overcome; 
 pray, Brajfy^ don't ax him any miOre 
 Queftiohs. 
 
 ■Brfijfy, 
 
 Yes, but I will tho', this is high Fun, 
 But, pray, my Lad, after you ufed to 
 wait at Table, Did you ge-t out of the 
 Way on Purpofe,. when the Gentry broke 
 up ? - 
 
 No, I ufed to go about my own Bu- 
 
 finefs, or fee if there was any thing I cou'd 
 
 F 4 lend
 
 104 The History cf 
 knd any of the other Servants a Hand: 
 in ; in 1g large a Floule, as Sir Tafty'sj 
 a Man. has no Occafion ever to bt idle. 
 One Evening, indeed, I faw all the Ser- 
 vants at Sir Tafty'Sj both in and out of 
 l./lvery, v/aiting in the Hall, at the Bot- 
 tom of the great Stairs, till the Vintors 
 came down, and I cou'd not help telhng 
 them, they look'd for all the world like 
 Ahns -people, that fland at the Church- 
 doors in two Rows, after Sermon-time. 
 
 The Entrance of the Butler put an 
 End to all farther Enquiries at prefent y 
 and he told them, with a very ill-tem- 
 per'd Look, he had fome bad News to 
 ;jcquaint them with; for the young 
 Painter, that the club formerly fent into 
 Italy ; and the Man that lay here laft 
 Week, in the rufty blue-grey Cloaths, 
 and the filent Man, who underftands 
 Figures fo well, they are all to dine here 
 To-morrow. Mailer has invited them 
 all. 
 
 Braffy, 
 
 Has he ib ? Why then he may wait 
 on them all if he will ; if I wait upon 
 fuch low lift Fellows, as Engli/h Painters, 
 Authors, and Mathematicians. I hope 
 I'm a better Man than fuch Scrubbs is 
 too. I'll bet 50 Pounds I can keep bet- 
 ter
 
 TOM FOOL. 105 
 
 ter Company, than the bed of them, and 
 am (hown a better Room at 'Tomkins. 
 Groom, 
 
 I wonder what makes our Mailer, or 
 her Honour his Lady, let i'uch Folks 
 come to their Table for. 
 Preferve. 
 
 Nay, James don't blame my Lady, 
 for fhe hates all fuch Poverty-flruck Ani- 
 mals, as much as any of us can do. 
 Butler. 
 
 I ferve them the bed, for they are moft 
 of them fo modeft, they can't call loud 
 for any Thing, like other people j it 
 fliows they have no Money to pay for 
 nothing •, fo they only make Signs i fo 
 I always bring the wrong Things, or elfe 
 never take any Notice of them. 
 Groom, 
 
 Before I came to live here, I ferved 
 a young Gentleman, who was as clever 
 aBit of Man'^s Flefh, as ever threw Thigh 
 over Saddle •, and minded his Money at 
 firft no more, nor I do an old Horfe- 
 llioe. But it is the Fortune of many a 
 young Gentleman in London^ to be fpoii'd 
 by keeping low-lift Company, So he 
 was, for he got among a Parcel of your 
 queer ones, and they made him read , 
 oudandifh Books, till he ftudied fo much, 
 that they crack'd his Brains, fo he gave 
 F 5 av/ay
 
 io6 The History of 
 
 away his Hounds, fold off his Town- 
 houfe, turn'd away a fine Girl he kept, 
 as honefl a Wench Ihe was as ever Man 
 went to bed to ; and he grew quite llu- 
 pid, liv'd entirely in the Country, and 
 never went a fporting, but his Houfe 
 was crowded with this Mr. ^hreadbare^ 
 and that Mr. Raggedy and this was a 
 Genos, and that was a one thing, and 
 t'other another, all as poor as Dog-horfes 
 —the Devil a clever Fellow was there a- 
 mong them all, but a one-ey'd Captain, 
 and he, and our Parfon, ufed to play at 
 Back-Gammon together ; fo when the 
 old Soldier won, he ufed to tip me a 
 Twelver ; but I got not a Grigg from 
 the reft •, and thefe Fellows I was to fid- 
 dle my Mafter's Horfes for, — no, — but 
 I wou'd 'nt tho'. 
 
 Juft then a MeiTage came to Mrs. 
 Preferve^ from the Vicar, Mrs. Pringk^s 
 Mafter, who ftaid for the Ladies in the 
 Steward's Parlour, to have one Rubber at 
 Whifl: with them : Away fkuttled the 
 Females. Tom went with the Butler in- 
 to Mr. Flimni's Apartment, and the reft 
 of the Men feparated to pradlife their 
 different Avocations, Drinking, or 
 
 Gaming, or Intrigue. 
 
 CHAP.
 
 TOM FOOL. 107 
 
 CHAP. XIX. 
 
 TOM Fool, by his AiTiduity, his Ge- 
 nerofity, his Readinefs to do every 
 Servant a good Turn, and excufe any 
 Miflake they might have commited •, 
 the Mildnefs of his Deportment, his 
 Quicknefs of Apprehenfion, Alertnefs, 
 and Obedience, gain'd him a general 
 Elleem throughout the Family. Mr. 
 Invcyceh eldeil Daughter, declared him 
 to be the genteeleft, handyeft, neateft. 
 Creature, fhe ever knew. 
 
 Mr. Invoyce's Lady protefled flie 
 thought him too good for a Livery. His 
 fecond Daughter, who, never before Toni's 
 coming into the Fam/ily, cou*d bear to 
 take any thing out of a Man's Hand, 
 vowed he was a charming Animal i and 
 this was a great Thing for her to fay, 
 whofe whole Life was fpent among fhock 
 Dogs, Squirrels, Monkeys, Parrots, 
 Tabby Cats, and Guinea Pigs. The 
 youngeft Sifter alio, who, before he 
 came, ufed to ride ftraddling upon baie- 
 back'd Horfes, fplafh about in the Boats, 
 and had a fine Foot for Hopfcotch, now 
 began to bear a Cap on, left off Hollow- 
 ing, and made a Curtfy v/hen fhe came 
 into the Dining-Room. And one Dav 
 F 6 llie
 
 io8 The History o i^ 
 
 Diz afk'd her Papa, bow Tom Fool (fo 
 good a Servant as he was) came to leave his 
 lafi Place, 
 
 Mr. Invoyce obferved, that was true> 
 he never heard how it came about-, but 
 order'd the Butler to meet him imme- 
 diately in the Lapland Summer-houfe ; 
 and there he enquired, how Tom came 
 ro leave Sir Tajiy's. 
 
 The Butler, in the Warmth of his 
 Heart, and as he thought to recommend 
 Tom., gave his Mafter the Letter his Sifter 
 had wrote to him. This Letter Mr. In- 
 vojce read at Dinner, highly praifmg 
 Tom's Modefty •, but in that he was not 
 feconded. The Ladies all took againft 
 bim, they wou'd not believe it, they faid •, 
 as to Mifs FaJJo^s liking Tom^ her Lady- 
 ihip obferv'd it was not unlikely •, but as 
 to his refufing her. Oh, my God ! I 
 mufl infift on that to be falfe : And Jo 
 fay ly Papa , and fo faid all. Juft then 
 a vifiting Lady arriv'd •, who was no 
 fconer feated, than fhe confirm'd the 
 Contents of the Letter. Obferving, at 
 the fame Time, fhe was vaftly furprized^ 
 they had not heard of it before. But. 
 my Lady made Anfwer, they were fo 
 taken up with Improvements, that they 
 had not Time to enquire after News. — 
 But as to Tom Fool'^ Affair, it was fome- 
 
 thing
 
 TOM FOOL. 109 
 
 thing fo out of the way, pon onner, 
 
 I ihail never think fo well of the Fellow 
 as I have done. — l!hink^ Mama^ Ican^t 
 i^ear the Sight of hi?n^ (reply'd his young 
 Lady} the Prude wonder'd what Men 
 were made of. And Mifs Hopjcotch threat- 
 ned to tear his Eyes out. — The Vifitant 
 declared he was but a Fool.— That they 
 granted ; but yet they obferved, he 
 ought to have kept the Thing fecret. — 
 Secret he fhould have kept it. — Clamour 
 began to raife her Voice •, and for all 
 that Mr. Invoyce cou'd alledge in his 
 Behalf, the Ladies infifled on Tom Fool's- 
 being difcharged that Evening. 
 
 As foon as this Refolution was told 
 him, he left the Hall with Indignation y 
 and fet forward for London immediately, 
 without informing any Pcrfon of the 
 Rout he intended to take. It was by this 
 Hurry, that the vifiting Lady loft him, 
 whofe fole Eriand indeed was upon his 
 Account. — For Mifs Fajh. — But let me 
 not anticipate the Reader*s Curiofity ;. it's 
 time enough to fpeak about that young 
 Lady,— Let us now confider why Mrs. 
 Flimms had neither fent to Mr. Invoyce' s^ 
 nor came herfelf, according to her Pro- 
 mife. The Reafon why (he did nor, 
 (fmce Tom Fool is now travelling onv^ards 
 to London^ and nothing material happen* 
 
 ing
 
 no The History of 
 
 ing to him, at prefent) we fhall, O ! pa- 
 tient Reader, entertain you with. 
 
 Mr. Murphy Magragh^ from the 
 Queen's County, fix Feet and one Inch 
 high, of thirty-four Years of Age, hear- 
 ing of the great Fortune Mifs Fajh 
 wou'd be, came Pod down, a few Days 
 after Tom\ Banifhment, to offer her his 
 Hand, as a Gentleman ought, in lawful 
 Wedlock. 
 
 But determined, firft to make himfelf 
 acquainted with the upper Servants ; by 
 which Means, as he very wifely judged, 
 he fhou'd foon know as much about the 
 young Lady, as the beft of them. 
 
 By the AfTiftance of the Landlady at 
 the George^ he din'd in a Day, or two, 
 with Mrs. Flimyns \ and as he was a 
 Man, who, in open Day-light cou'd fee 
 as far as another, he foon perceiv'd fhe 
 lov'd to take a drink ; the v/hole After- 
 noon he dedicated his Attendance upon 
 her. At lad a lucky Thought came in- 
 to his Head, which was, that if he cou'd 
 make her fenfible, what fort of a Man 
 himfelf was, fhe might tell it her Mif- 
 trefs-, and then — O let him alone for 
 Scheming— He redoubled his Attacks, 
 fung her feveral Songs, gave her feveral 
 Kiflfes 5 and before the Fays, and Fairies, 
 left their Grafs-green Circle, flie yeild- 
 
 ed
 
 TOMFOOL. Ill 
 
 ed — unable to bear the Weight of two 
 fuch potent Oppofitions — Defire, and 
 Drink. — She yeilded— All that Hufbands 
 hold dear, all that the mighty make a 
 Buftle about, — the Boaft of the Proud ; 
 — the poor man's precious Property. 
 
 Some Men have fuch a way with them — 
 Mr. Macgragh was one of thofe Sort of 
 Men, as Mrs. Flimms confefTed, after 
 every Thing was over. — As he was cer- 
 tain he had fix'd her his Friend ; — Poli- 
 tician like, he opened his whole Defiga 
 toiler-, told her, he came down juft 
 to make a Match on't, betwixt himfelf 
 and the young Lady, or the old Lady ; 
 for he wou*d 'nt ftand upon Trifles about 
 that at all, at all. 
 
 But Mrs. Flimms^ fomething more (lyy 
 than her Paramour (like a cunning Law- 
 yer, not being willing to lofe a good 
 Client) told him, that Lady Grctto loft 
 her Jointure the Day of her fecond 
 Marriage. Pm cff then^ reply'd Mr. 
 
 Macgragh.^— ^KviA as to Mifs Mrs. 
 
 Flimms declared, upon her Honour, fhe 
 was uncommattable ; for my dear Mr. 
 Macgraw^ all herDependance is upon her 
 Brother Sir Tafiyh Good-will. 
 
 Mrs. Flimms^ after this Information, 
 gave him fome Hints of her own Confe- 
 quence, in refped to Wealth -, and this 
 
 was
 
 Ill The History of 
 
 was corroborated, both by the Land- 
 lord, and Landlady why I don't think 
 
 I can do better^ obferved Mr. Magragh \ 
 fo he gave Lady Grotto's Woman his 
 Hand, and his Honour, to marry her 
 To-morrow Morning. Upon which, 
 to fliow how much (he confided in his 
 Sincerity, in his Love, and in his Ho- 
 nour, fhe ftaid with him that Night. 
 
 We don't pretend to write a Hiftory 
 of Heroes, or Heroines, whofe celebra- 
 ted Refulals, and long Endurance, have 
 filled fo many Folios ; we only relate the 
 A6lions of meerMan, and v/oman ; lia- 
 ble to Miftakes, and compounded of 
 Frailties — who had Defires, and want- 
 ed thofe Defires to be fatisfied. The 
 Delicacy of having only one, they were 
 averfe to— any ont^ fo it was one, they'd 
 accept of j and not like fullen Children, 
 fall:, fooner than fill their Bellies, if they 
 had not their own Plates to eat upon. 
 
 As Mr. Macgragh had given his Ho- 
 nour he wou'd be married aext Day \ and 
 as he was fully convinced, flie was a. 
 
 Woman of V/eakh he fcorned to be 
 
 , v/orfe than his Word •, fo that, before 
 the next Day's Sun had funk low enough, 
 10 lengthen the Shepherd's Shado vs, 
 Mrs. Flimms was meliorated into Ma- 
 dam MiUgragh ; and Mr. Murphy bore, 
 
 worcj
 
 TOM FOOL. 115 
 
 wore, and aflum'd to himfelf, the Title 
 of Squire. A Title, that, in former 
 Times, was only bellowed on the faith- 
 ful Valet of fome Fame-atchieving 
 Knight ; but now ufed by — but hold — 
 we fhall not be abufive — we are Hiilori- 
 ans, not Satyrifls. — Let us therefore look 
 out for our principle Adventurer, Tom 
 Fool. — Yonder he is, about 50 Miles off, 
 we'll overtake him in an Inftant. Apcllo\ 
 pod Chariot is at the Door ; put Fegafus^ 
 and Pacolell's Hprfe into t/ie Harnefs ; 
 get a Will-o*the-\Vifp for a Moon Lan- 
 thorn, and we*re up wUh him, as ioQii 
 ^s a Man may forfwear himfelf^— » 
 
 C H A K
 
 114 The History of 
 
 CHAP. XX. 
 
 AURORA'S Day Curtains, the 
 Golden fringed Clouds, were un- 
 drawn J refulgent to theView, up beamed 
 the Sun, topping the mifly Hills. — The, 
 — The, — but we fhall not embelliHi any 
 farther -, let the Reader imagine, what- 
 ever Defcription he pleafes, in plain En- 
 glijh we let him know, Tom had a fine 
 Morning to travel in. 
 
 Juft at fun-rifmg, he enter'd upon 
 Hounjlow -heath \ where, but the Even- 
 ing before, a Highwayman had robb'd 
 a Colledlor of the Excife \ but the Thief 
 being clofely purfu'd, (at the Clofe of 
 the Day) dropp'd a loo Pound Bag, and 
 made his Efcape. This lay there unper- 
 ceived ; and as l^om was travelling, be- 
 ing the earlieft PafTenger, he fet his Foot 
 upon it. 
 
 After he had opened it, he was un- 
 determined what to do with it. He figh'd, 
 reflecting, that the Lofs of it might be 
 the Ruin of a Family ; he wifh'd the 
 right Owner had it — yet he thought it 
 wrong to leave it behind him. (Poor 
 Fool) after many Surmifes, he determined 
 to keep it, till he heard of a right Owner. 
 
 But
 
 TOM FOOL. 115 
 
 But prudent as his Refolution was, he 
 failed in it. Goading NecefTicy arrefted 
 him ; falling, walking, and very faint, 
 he took a fingle Guinea out of the Bag, 
 to get himfelf fome Refrefnment -, but 
 refolv'd to reftore it, as foon as ever he 
 found his Relations. 
 
 Opulent Readers, think hiin not a Vil- 
 lain ; he was none. — Confider NecelTity 
 — we are all of us, at fome Time, (for 
 one Thing or another,) in NecefTity. 
 
 NecefTicy, like the Moon, has an Im- 
 pulfe over the whole World. It is like 
 a Loadftone, full of occult Qtialities, like 
 a hot Summer, it occafions Corruption \ 
 'tis like a new Shoe, it pinches fecretly. 
 Like the Pope's Bull, it abfolves Sins. 
 And like any other Bull, it winks when 
 it does Mifchief. 
 
 Does it not draw out Virtue's Tooth, 
 with a Touch ? Does it not — forgive 
 the Tranfcriber, gentle Reader j he was 
 obliged here to fpeak in Praife of Ne- 
 ceifity ; he cou'd not help thus paying 
 his CompHments to that Being, to whom, 
 not only himfelf, but all other modern 
 Authors— —Writers, he means, are 
 indebted for their Learning, Inclination, 
 Capacity, and Genius. 
 
 When Tom Fool arrived in London^ as 
 he was not in a proper Drefs to enquire 
 
 after
 
 ti6 The History of 
 after his Relations, he borrowed a littk 
 more Money out of his Bag, and then 
 a Httle more. — At laft, he fixed a Refo- 
 lution, to make ufe (but fparingly) of as 
 Hiuch Money out of it, as he immediate- 
 ly wanted ; refolving, at the fame time, 
 to return it again, as foon as he cou'a af- 
 ford it. 
 
 Be not now impatient. Sir, or Madam, 
 that we don't go back to Mils Fq/b : Do 
 
 not turn to the End of the Book yet. 
 
 you may be certain, as Tom is \n London y 
 ihe v;on't be long after him •, and as to 
 their meeting together, there's the Court 
 or the Mafquerade, or the Opera-houfe, 
 or Bedlam^ or at Church, or at the Old 
 Bailey^ or Ranelagh^ or a rowing Match. 
 — But all in good Time •, let us follow 
 Tom Fool fairly, you fee he is very well 
 drefTed, looks very well, and is juft fet- 
 ing down to Dinner, at his Inn ; Will you, 
 good Reader, pleafe to pick a Bit with 
 him \ you are very welcome 5 fay Grace, 
 and fpare not. 
 
 Young Fool, by his Look, is impatr- 
 ent, till the Cloath is removed \ to quef- 
 tion his Landlord, about the Bufmefs he 
 
 came to London upon—all is clear'd 
 
 Fingers dipp'd. Mouth wiped, Bows 
 made, and Cork drawn. Let us now 
 hear, how Tom opens the Converfation. 
 
 Pray
 
 TOM FOOL. 117 
 
 Pray, Landlord, do you know any 
 fuch Family as the 'Fools ? 
 
 Fools^ an pleaie your Honour ? Yes, 
 yes, we have Fools enough all over the 
 Parilh. There's my next Door Neigh- 
 bour, the Linnen Draper, he's a Fool.— 
 It was but laft Saturday^ he put a Rafcal 
 to Jail, that had run in his Debt ; and 
 on Sunday^ here came the Fellow's Ma- 
 dam, or Wife, as (lie call'd herfelf ; 
 
 they married for Love truly -, and fhe 
 had two Twins with her, drefied both in 
 white Frocks, as neat as my Children 
 are \ and I pay every Body twenty Shil- 
 Ibgs in the Pound. So flie fends for my 
 Fool of a Neighbour, and makes a 
 whimpering Story to um. And fo next 
 Day, he let her Hufband out, and upon 
 his own Bond.— I wifh he may lofe every 
 Penny of the Money, ^om Fool^ with- 
 out making any Anfwer, went to the 
 next Door immediately. 
 
 The Linnen Draper not being at 
 Home; T^om afk'd his Shopman, if there 
 was not one of the Fool's liv'd there. Mr. 
 spruce reply'd, not that he knew of— his 
 Mailer indeed let his firfl Floor to a Gen- 
 tleman ; but whether the Gentleman was 
 a Fool, or not, he cou'd not tell ; there 
 were fo many Clubs, of Bucks, and 
 
 choice
 
 ii8 The History of 
 
 choice Spirits, and Fools, now-a-days, 
 he cou'd not tell which was which. 
 
 But pray, Sir (interrupted Tom) of 
 what Family is your Mafter ? What Fa- 
 mily did you come from ? 
 Spruce, 
 
 He ferved his Time in Threadneedle- 
 ftreet^ Sir. 
 
 Fool. 
 
 Did you never hear him fpeak of Sir 
 Philpot Fool? 
 
 Spruce, 
 
 No, Sir. we never had fuch a Name 
 in our Books, as I can remember. 
 Fool 
 
 So you know not any Thing of your 
 Mafter's Family ? 
 
 Spruce, 
 
 Sir, my Miflrefs never had any Chil- 
 dren J to be fure we ferve a great many 
 good Famihes ; if you pleafe to call by 
 and by, about feven o'Clock, Sir, my 
 Mafter may inform you htV.tx,— 'Tom 
 Fool promifed he wou'd, thanked Mr. 
 Spruce for his Civility •, and, being pret- 
 ty near the Park., he turned into it, for 
 a Walk to amufe himfelf. 
 
 CHAP,
 
 TOM FOOL. 119 
 CHAP. XXI. 
 
 WHEN thefe Memoirs were firfl 
 read to the Club at the Bedford^ the 
 Audience oblerved, that the Author had 
 not given Totji Fcol ccope enough for En- 
 quiries ;— he fhou'd have made him fearch 
 after his Friends, and Relations, and 
 Name-fakes, all over the Town. 
 
 Jack Nankce?i faid, he ought to have 
 brought him into the City.— Boh Long- 
 Jlick fwore, he fhou'd have carried him 
 into ff'eftmtjtjhr HalL—Ov Suppofe, fays 
 Tom 1'ajjelU the Author had fent him to 
 College.— Thus did the Gentlemen ani- 
 madvert upon the Manufcript.— After 
 they had all given their Opinions, the 
 Perfon who had been reading, with a 
 very difliincl Pronunciation, went on with 
 the Hiftory as follows. 
 
 Young F(5^/ happened in the Mall to 
 be behind two Men, who were very 
 earneft in their Talk, and he cou'd not 
 help hearing one fay to the other.— I am 
 a Fooly I own it ; jc'j, yes^ 1 do belong to 
 that Family, I am turnd away without 
 a CharaSfer too ; nozv if I had hut been 
 wife enough to have held my Tofi^ue^ I 
 might have get good Hufh-mcney •, and^ may 
 be^ come in for a Tafle of my Lady myfelf. 
 
 They
 
 1^0 The History of 
 
 They were come to the End of the 
 'MaU\ and, after making an Apology for 
 his Abruptnefs, Tom begg'd to fpeak 
 a Word with the Gentleman in the Brafs- 
 button'd Coat. Young Fool told him, 
 that by his Difcourfe, he over-heard, he 
 was in Dillrefs. I beg therefore (thus 
 Tom went on) that you'll give me Leave 
 to offer you my Afliftance. I fancy wc 
 are related together ; I fliou'd be glad to 
 be certain. The difcarded Valet cou'd 
 not tell what to make of Tom at firfl,— 
 but his Friend anfwered for him. 
 
 That they did not ufually drink uith 
 Strangers .-, hut that he feem'dfo much of a 
 Gentleman^ they wou^d wait upon him at 
 that Houfe there out of the Gate. Tom 
 bowed, and went forwards •, and the two 
 Friends, immediately began to Scheme 
 what they cou'd make of this Pigeon ; 
 for be it known to you, Reader, tho* 
 forry I am to bring you into fuch Com- 
 pany •, but the Livery-man's Friend was 
 a profeiTed Gambler.. 
 
 What Name he had given him by his 
 Godfather's ; or, whether he had any 
 Godfathers, remains a Doubt to this Day. 
 His Mother was deliver'd of him in 
 Bridewell^ and from thence he was pro- 
 perly brought up as a Link-boy, by the 
 name of Toung Glimm, This he afterwards 
 
 drefled
 
 TOM F O O L. 121 
 
 drelTed up as Captain Glimm^ Squire 
 Glimm^ or Gentleman Glimm, from car- 
 rying a Link ; or, indeed, while he did 
 carry a Link, he was very well praflif- 
 ed in the Dexterity of Pocket-pick- 
 ing •, then he was a Bye-battle Boy ; 
 then a Bailey's Follower; from thence 
 Waiter at a Bawdy-houfe •, from thence 
 he went into the Country, for fome 
 Years, carrying on the various Trades, 
 of drawing Pnam Notes, pricking at the 
 Belt, and Partner at an EO Table. 
 Then all at once he funk into 043fcurity : 
 Nor is he mentioned for fome Time af- 
 terwards in the fcandalous Chronicle 
 (from whence this Abfrracl was taken) 
 till the Ilaymarket Afiemblies \ whsre, in 
 an unfitting Suit of hired Embroidery, 
 he is palming, undetected. 
 
 They foon came to Tan Fool \ and 
 after a Glafs had gone round, Sir Phil- 
 pot\ Son very ingenuoudy told them the 
 Reafon he afked the Gentleman to drink 
 with him. That he 'n^as ccme up to Lon- 
 don on Piirpofe to find his Rela-ions ; and 
 I heard^ Sir (addrefiing himfclf to the 
 Footman) jy'(?« c ill yGnrfeif a Fool. 
 
 I mud beg your Pardon there, Sir 
 (anfwered the Valet) I a*anc quite a Fool 
 neither i tho' I have done, for.iCthin;Tt,ia< 
 I deferve to be call'd ^o ior. . 
 
 G (jhoynL
 
 122 The History of 
 
 Glimm obferved, it was better to 
 drink about, to their, better Acquain- 
 tance, than repeat Grievances.' Corae Sir, 
 (to Tom) you feem to he a mighty good~na- 
 tur'^d fort of a Gentleman \ and fo^ Sir, 
 jufi for pqffing away T'ime^ f^ppofi i^'s have 
 a Game at Cards. 
 
 Sir, I never play 'da Game of Cards in 
 all my Life. 
 
 GlivAm. 
 
 Not play at Cards, Sir, you'll excufe 
 me there, Sir, you muft know better 
 than that, Sir-, Why, Sir, hov/ is it 
 poflible, a Man can be a Gentleman ? 
 Or keep Gentlemen Company, without 
 it. I'll hold ten Pound to a Crown, and 
 I fay done firil ; that a Man v/ill cut a 
 v/orfer Figure, in all Places of high Life, 
 if he can't play at Cards, thanif he can't 
 write, and read. 
 
 Gentlemen, I am thinking how I ihall 
 find out my Relations, People tell me, 
 there are enow of the Fools in London-, 
 and yet I cannot, upon Enquiry, find 
 any. 
 
 Valet, 
 
 That's becaufe you have not got the 
 right Way to enquire for them. Only 
 afk for an honell Man, that's all , and 
 
 take
 
 TOM FOOL. 123 
 
 take my Word fore, there you'll find 
 one of your Relations •, only afl^ for an 
 honeil Man. — The Landlord jull then 
 entering, ^om immediately made an En- 
 quiry of him. Mr. Vintner reply 'd, 
 IVby^ really SiYy Pegging Pardon of the 
 Company prefent^ I have cm of the honefiejl 
 Fellows now in my Houfe : With Eager- 
 nefs Tom aik'd to fee him ; /'// introduce 
 you to him^ Sir^ reply 'd his Hofl. Upon 
 which, afking his new Companions Par- 
 don for one Quarter of an Hour, he ]tit 
 the Room -, they were a litde chagreen'd 
 at his going away : However, they com- 
 forted themfelves he might drink a lit- 
 tle, where he was going, that wou'd 
 make him mayhap more open •, there- 
 fore they began to contrive fomething a- 
 gainft his Return, that they might touch 
 iiira upon. 
 
 G 2 CHAP.
 
 124 The History op 
 
 CHAP. XXII. 
 
 MR. T' 0(2 ft received Tom with a 
 hearty Shake of the Hand ; the 
 Landlord introducing young Fool with, 
 Sir, here's a Gentleman, that was enquire- 
 ing for an honed Man. I told him, you 
 was one of the honefleft Fellows that 
 ever tafted a Bumper •, nay, I believe, 
 by the Gentleman's Looks, he won't be 
 a bad one himfelf. 
 
 Toaft. 
 
 Sir, if you have a Mind to be an ho- 
 nefl Feiiow, I'll (how you the way at 
 once. — Here, Sir, diink this Bumper; 
 and if it don't make you an honeft Fel- 
 low, I'il be. — Won't it Landlord .? 
 Layidlord. 
 
 Ay, Sir, it will -, there's neither Cou- 
 rage nor Chriftianity without it. 
 
 After Tom had lecover'd himfelf from 
 the Surprize, which this Behaviour had 
 thrown him into, — he reply'd, — Sir, you 
 mufl excufe me, that Glafs I am fure 
 holds half a Pint, and I never drank 
 a quarter lo much as that, at one 
 Draught, of Wine, in all my Life. — If 
 I was to fwailow that, 'twou'd take a- 
 way m> Seiifcs. 
 
 Toafi,
 
 TOM FOOL, 125 
 
 Toaji. 
 Pray, Sir, will you be pleas'd to tell 
 me your Name. 
 
 T'cm. 
 My Name is Tom FooU Sir. 
 
 foajl, 
 I thought fo \ for I never heard a more 
 foolilh Speech in my life. — Take away 
 your Senfes ! — What fignifies a Man's 
 Senfes, if he can't enjoy them ? You are 
 a Countryman, I fuppofe ? 
 Tom, 
 Yes, Sir, I am juft come to Town to 
 fee after my Relations •, I can't find them ; 
 and the Reafon of my intruding upon you 
 is, two Perfons, I v/as in Company wicli 
 juft now, told me, how I might find out 
 who was related to m^e ; and purfuant to 
 their Advice, I came to you, Sir. 
 Toaft. 
 And are the two Perfons that fent 
 you to me, in the Houfe now, Mr. I'qoI 5 
 Toyn. 
 Yes, Sir, in the oppofite Room. 
 
 Tocft. 
 Who are they, Landlord ? 
 
 Landlord. 
 Why, Sir, one is a Gentleman's Ser- 
 vant, the other is Glimm the Sporting- 
 itian ; they are in the Rofe^ — Away went 
 Mr. Tcafi \ and, without anv Ceremony, 
 G 3 ' fell
 
 126 The History of 
 
 fell on them with his Stick, for daring 
 to fend any Man to him, to call him 
 Fool. The Battle began to be warm, 
 which brought the Landlord and "Tom 
 into the Room. Glimm juft then made 
 a blow at the honeft Fellow's Head ; but 
 he ducking, avoided his Fid, which fell 
 heavily on the Innkeeper's right Cheek j 
 the Force turn'd him half round ; he 
 ran down Stairs, crying out Murder, 
 Murder, for a Condable ; luckily there 
 was one in the Houfe -, who, after being 
 aiTur'd by every Body, there was no 
 Fire-arms above, charged all the People 
 in the Floufe to his Afiiftance, Wo- 
 men, as well as Men, and then up Stairs 
 he went, in the King's Name. 
 
 But there was no Occafion for a Staff 
 0?ric^v^ all was quiet ^ Mr. "Toaji was 
 feated in an Arm Chair, quite out of 
 Breath ; and in the oppofite Corner flood 
 Tom Fooly Centry over the two fallen 
 Friends ♦, and on his Shoulder, Mufquet 
 like, he refted a Poker, which he had 
 twilled out of the Gamblers Hands. 
 
 It's odd how Things come to pafs : 
 A Gentleman, whom Curiofity had 
 handed up Stairs, no fooner fixed his 
 Eyes upon Climm^ but he charged the 
 Conflable with liini, for robbing him of 
 
 his
 
 TOM F O O L. 127 
 
 his Watch and Money about five Days 
 before, in Richmond Park. 
 
 Immediately every one in the Room, 
 except the Valet, and T^om Fcol^ feiz'd 
 upon the Gambler \ Landlord, Confta- 
 ble, Drawer, Boot-ketcher, Oilier, and 
 Travellers, as Bigots croud round a ho- 
 ly Man, eager to touch his Garment, 
 the poor Culprit, furrounded like a ful- 
 len Ox in Smithfidd-, was lugg'd, pufh- 
 ed, puli'd, dragg'd, to Juftice ; the out 
 of Place Footman fneak*d away, leaving 
 (according to all the felf Laws in being) 
 his Friend in Diftrefs, leafl: he fhould be 
 afk'd to do fomething for him. 
 
 When To7n come clown to pay his Rec- 
 koning, the Landlady had got fom.e of 
 her Bedmakers about her, computing 
 what Share her Hufband vvou'd have of 
 the Reward, for taking this Highway- 
 man •, becaufe ilie was lure, fhe laid, it 
 was the fame Man as robb'd the Mail 
 about ten Days ago. 
 
 Indeed I believe it is. Madam, reply'd 
 Nell •, and ril go and fee for the Paper. 
 
 Thus went on the Miftrefs of the Inn. 
 Sure my Hui^and will have molt of the 
 Reward, becaufe the Boot-catcher faid 
 as how, my Hufband feiz'd him fecond ; 
 and there is not only the two hundred 
 Pounds, that is always wrote in great 
 G 4 Letters,
 
 128 The History of 
 
 Letters, but other Rewards over and a- 
 bove, as the Papers fays. 
 
 Here's the Paper, Madam/AW/bawl'd 
 out) and it fays in tht Paper, that the 
 Mail Vv'as robb'd by a very fhort Man. 
 Weil, this is not a very tall Man, an- 
 Iwered her MifLrefs.— -In his own brown 
 Hair (Neil read on) why this Man has a 
 brown Wig on you fee, and he might 
 have cut his Hair off, and fo have it made 
 into that Wig, on Purpofe to difguife 
 himfelf. 
 
 NelL 
 The Poll Boy fays, he had but one Eye. 
 
 ' Mijlrefs. 
 He might iliut to'ther on Purpofe, 
 that the Boy fhou'dn't know him. 
 NelL 
 He ftutter'd very much. 
 
 Mijirefs. 
 Ay, fo did this; you fee he cou'd 
 hardly bring out a plain Word, atlaft. 
 NelL 
 He had a Companion, that flood a 
 little Way off, in a Surtout Coat. 
 Mijirefs, 
 Well, and this Man's Companion had 
 a Surtout Coat on. 
 
 ^o?n^ quite out of Patience, paid his 
 Money, and immediately took to the 
 Park 2g2L.n, 
 
 C H A P.
 
 TOM FOOL. 129 
 
 CHAP. XXIII. 
 
 HE threw himfelf down on the firft 
 Bench he came to, tir'd, difap- 
 pointed, and chagrin'd. He was io 
 much in Diiorder, that he did not ob- 
 Terve a very agreeable young Lady, who 
 had plac'd herfelf at the other End of 
 the Seat. But Tcfjt Fool did not efcape 
 her Eyes •, his Figure, and his r3refs to- 
 gether, raifed Emotions in her ail-dcfir- 
 ing Mind, which is much better to fup- 
 pofe than defcrlbe. 
 
 That Afternoon, in a lucky Hour, 
 did file ifHie forth from her iirft Floor, in 
 
 Spririg-Gardcus^ Eager like ^iix'ctCy 
 
 anxious to meet with an Engagement, 
 ]\\t had juft fat down, as the Garden- 
 fpider, in various Colours fliining, watch- 
 ful refts. — But forgive me, Reader, we'll 
 defcend into plain Profe again. 
 
 Tom Foot's Appearance feem'd to in- 
 dicate that he was rich ; his Face told 
 he was good-natur'd, and his florid Com- 
 plexion made her fancy he was amorous-, 
 but on the other hand, flie had too 
 much Experience to be caught by Ap- 
 pearance only. — Hackneyed in the Ways 
 of Men, fhe experimentally had often 
 prov'd, every lac'd Coat Wearer was not 
 G /; aPerfon
 
 i^Q The History of 
 
 a PeiTon of Worth •, and that there Is 
 no Bependance upon Honour. — She was 
 rrefolute awhile: — Bat recollecting her 
 Week was up at her Lodgings; that Ihe 
 bad dined upon Tea and Bi^ead and But- 
 ter only ', and that her double Ruffies 
 were flopp'd at the Clearilarchers •, fhe 
 took Heart, hoping fne fliould find him 
 a good Man, (as Shy lock fays) and thus 
 adcirefs'd him in a pretty lifping, for- 
 rowful Tone. — / am very forry^ Sir^ to 
 fee Jo vaftly pretty a Gentleman^ as you are^ 
 melancholy. 
 
 Fjattery, even to the moft Foclifh, is 
 pleafing : Tiom was caught ^ — he thanked 
 her, and then unafk'd, related his lad 
 Adventure.— She found, by what he faid, 
 that he had Money : Chymiil like, in 
 filent Rapture, Hie enjoyed the golden 
 Diicovery. — She invited him Home, 
 hinting to him, that fhe knew fome of 
 his Family. 
 
 Young Fool, overjoy'd at the Honour 
 done him, by fo fine a drefs'd Lady, 
 immediately arofe, and Hand in Hand 
 they went.— Thus— but 'tis no Matter 
 for Comparifons \ v;e might liken a Wo- 
 man of the Town to an Earthquake ^ to 
 white Powder ^ to St. Anthony's Fire ; to 
 the Itch j or the Plague, or aPyrate Ship, 
 Of a Pantoraine.— 'But the Tranfcriber 
 
 thinksj
 
 TOM FOOL. 131 
 
 thinks, thofe milhamYl Women of Plea- 
 fure more to be pitied than blamed. 
 Unhappy "Women are ruined by Man- 
 kind ; they have therefore a Right to 
 ruin Manisind in return: And this Ac- 
 count courant, is fo well carried on 1^ 
 both Sexes, from iht Shake/pear's 'Hes.dy 
 to the Hovel by the Higliway Side •, that, 
 upon the nicefl Calculation, the Ruiners 
 and the Ruined, make one Eighth of 
 the whole People of England, 
 
 It is impofiible to account for every 
 Operation of Female Minds ; therefore 
 I iliall not take upon me to alTign any 
 Reafon for this young Lady s immode- 
 rate Fondnefs for 'Tom Fool-, but flie in- 
 iMed he fhould not leave her that Nighr. 
 Poor Fellow, he was quite off his Guard j 
 he had been tipling before, and fl^iC 
 had faiiened three or four half Glafres 
 upon him. 
 
 Sorry I am to relate what follows. 
 I hope my delicate Readers will excule 
 the GrofTnefs of the Idea : but the Maid 
 took her Oath on it, that fhe put Mr. 
 Fool and her Miftrefs into one Bed to- 
 gether. 
 
 For a whole Weak, fhe was the fonded 
 
 Creature that cou'd be imagined. S\\q 
 
 wou*d not truft Tofn out of her Sight,- — 
 
 file was fo tender of him, and fo loving. 
 
 G 6 --Pour
 
 132 The History of 
 
 —-Poor Fool, who was Gratitude itfelf, 
 cou'd not tell how to return all this 
 Kindnefs, but by making her his Cafli- 
 keeper ; telHng her how he came by the 
 Money, and begg'd her to take what 
 ih^ wou'd of it, when (he hadOccafion. 
 
 That Night, they fupp'd at one of 
 the French Wine-houfes -, and there an 
 unhappy Girl was arrefted for ^tvtn. 
 Pounds. Tom was perfuaded to give 
 his Note for the Payment of Debt and 
 Coils ', and the next Day he was ar- 
 refted for it i and much to his Surprife, 
 the young Lady, his Friend and Trea- 
 iurer, was not to be found. 
 
 As foon as Ihe heard of her Friend's 
 Diftrefs ; the Tendernefs of her Difpo- 
 tition not allowing her to fee any one in 
 AfHiction, Ihe had been fo fond of, fhe 
 took Poft-chaife and hurried to Bath ; in 
 hopes (by drinking all Sorts of Waters 
 there) to relieve herfelf from the Grief 
 young Foor% Misfortunes had thrown 
 her into. 
 
 In her Confufion, fiie paek'd up Tom^s 
 Effefls with her own. Therefore, with- 
 out a fingle Shilling, or a fecond Necef- 
 fary, he was carried to the Marfielfea, 
 —While he was there, as Mlton fays 
 on another occaflonj 
 
 '' He
 
 TOM FOOL. 133 
 
 « He liv'd a Blank, 
 *' And from the chearful Ways of 
 Men cut off. 
 
 I beg Pardon for this Quotation -, I 
 am as great an Enemy to Pedantry as 
 any of my Readers : But I thought 
 thofe two Lines fo apt -, and then 
 the Author of them is fo unknown, 
 excfept for a few So^ngs of his, that Mr. 
 Handal fet ; altho' he wrote a Poem, 
 caird Paradife Loft; and thofe People 
 who have read it, and thofe People who 
 have not, all fay it's a very fine Thing. 
 
 Milton^ in this Point, refembling fe- 
 veral line Women of Quality. The 
 whole Town mention their Names with 
 great Familiarity •, but few, very few, 
 are happy enough to tafte their Beau- 
 ties. 
 
 CHAP
 
 1^4 The History of 
 
 CHAP. XXIV. 
 
 TOM F O O L's Behaviour exci- 
 ted every Debtor's Curiofity. — 
 Such a handfome^ well-drejs^d Figure^ and 
 to have neither Woman • nor Lawyer come 
 after him ! —Befides —he has not drank one 
 Dram fince he came among us.— He muft he 
 fome very extraordinary P erf on \-'hut who? 
 They begg'd Jack Junior^ who was the 
 Gentleman of the Goal, to invite hira to 
 Supper, juft to pump him a little. 
 
 Tom came, and a Propofal was made, 
 that each Perfon prefent, fiiould relate 
 the material Occurrences fof his Life ; 
 and by what Accident, Misfortune, or 
 Villainy, he was dragg'd to, and decain'd 
 in that melancholy Receptacle. 
 
 Junior approved the Motion, but 
 begg'd to be excus'd from repeating his 
 own Life, becaufe Mr. Mackendroch had 
 methodifed it for the Prefs, but he 
 wou'd lend it thatyoungGentlemanin the 
 Morning, addreiTing himfelf to 'Tom 
 Fool 'y for (continued he) I find, by his 
 Converfation, he's a Scholar, and he'll 
 give me his Opinion of it. — Tom blufh'd 
 and bow'd. 
 
 But that has no Occafion to ftop us, a 
 young Fellow obferved, who fat next to 
 
 Tom
 
 TOM FOOL. 135 
 
 Tom Fool. I believe my Life, if it was 
 long enough, is as well worth Printing, 
 as e're a Pamela of 'em all. — You fhall 
 be Judges, Gentlemen, whether I have 
 not more Reafonto complain of ill For- 
 tune than any one Man under the Copes 
 of Heaven. 
 
 Altho' the Perfon, who went for my 
 Father, v/as but a Button-mould-maker j « 
 (nus began Phill Poplin) I might be a 
 greater Man's Son j for all the World 
 knows he fued a Gentleman for Crimi- 
 nality of Converfation, and recover'd 
 large Damages, jufl: as my Mother was 
 brought to bed of me. 
 
 Some Folks wou'd have had him got a 
 Divorce -, but he told them, that tho' it 
 was a fure Thing, that my Mama had 
 wrong'd his Bed at firft i but as the Law 
 had given him proper Satisfaction, he 
 did not think that he was wrongid 
 at all. 
 
 Yet he had as nice Notions as any 
 body elfe ; but he faid. Honour was only 
 fit for Gentlemen ; and, for his Part, as 
 he was a Tradefman, he mud have 
 fomething more fubilantial to go to 
 Market with. 
 
 My Mother and he were very happy 
 afterwards i and 1 don't believe, except 
 
 to
 
 136 The History of 
 
 to pay off a Play Debt or fo, fhe v/as 
 ever guilty again. 
 
 She play'd very deep indeed, fo was 
 forc'd to admit, now and then, of an 
 Intrigue, to make both Ends meet in 
 Houle-keeping : But then fhe went 
 twice a Day to the Tabernacle in Moor- 
 fields^ and put her Behaviour, as a Cafe 
 of Confcience, to one of the Teachers 
 there. 
 
 After having thoroughly convinced 
 him, that fhe only fuffered Embraces 
 merely to preferve the Peace of her Huf- 
 band's Mind, and not for the Sake of 
 fatisfying any corrupt PafTion. — Thus 
 he comforted her : For as I went with 
 her, and fhe made me take it all down 
 in (hort Hand, I can repeat it Verbatum. 
 
 " Child, 
 
 «' The Body is no more than a Bot- 
 '' tie, that contains the Liquor of Life, 
 '^ and the Soul is the Spirit : And as we 
 *' are divided into the Ele6i:, and the 
 " Seled •, fo are we fubdivided by Faith 
 " and Grace. 
 
 *' Now Faith is even as a fine Pickle, 
 " it prevents the Mind from being cor- 
 " ruptedj and Grace is alfoas a finePre- 
 " ferve, candied by the Sweetmeats of 
 f* the Enlightened. Therefore, when 
 
 we
 
 TOM FOOL. 137 
 
 we have drawn off the Mind from the 
 impure Dregs of corporeal Confan- 
 guinities, heed not what happeneth 
 to your outward Form ; — For your 
 Soul is fheath'd from the Worm of 
 Sin, by the new Birth. So whatever 
 you fuffer in Matter, you are unde- 
 filed in Spirit." (So indeed I be- 
 lieve fhe was) and llie received Rege- 
 neration accordingly. 
 
 -My Mama took care of my Edu- 
 cation herfelf i and I will venture to fay, 
 that when I w^as but fourteen Years of 
 Age, I was the bed Scholar in the City, 
 and was qualified to converfe with the 
 heft Company in England -, for I could 
 fing three French Songs, had all y^icx- 
 ander the Great, and Dryden's Ovid's 
 Epiftles by Heart : And there was ne're 
 a Duke or Lord that had married for 
 ten Years lad pail, but I knew into what 
 Family, and cou'd repeat their Relations 
 Names, as well as if I had been bred 
 and born in the Univerfity. 
 
 Then I went into Cornwall to be a La- 
 dy's Page : tier Hufband's Brother had 
 been Lord Mayor of the City Oi London y 
 fo fhe took State upon her. 
 
 Mine was a pure eafy Place, I only 
 held up her Gown Tail, when fhe went 
 to Church -, always call'd her my Lady, 
 
 read
 
 138 The History of 
 
 read the New's-papers to her, and fed 
 the Cats. 
 
 She died in four Years afterwards, and 
 left me 200 /. I brought it up to Lon- 
 don^ and gave it my Mother. She was 
 become a Widow, and liv'd very gen- 
 teely upon telUng Fortunes in Coffee- 
 cups. You'd be amazed to fee the fine 
 Folks we had come to our Houfe, in 
 Chairs, Chariots, and Hackney Coaches. 
 
 To finifh my Education, 1 went into 
 Hai't-Street^ where they teach grown 
 Gentlemen to dance ♦, and did a Minuet 
 and Lovre very well in a Week's Time, 
 as my Mailer told me. Then my Mo- 
 ther bought me feveral Coats and Waiif- 
 coats, all laced, as good as new, and 
 told me, if I minded my Hits, 1 might 
 carry off a Lady of Fortune. 
 
 I made my Appearance at Noon in the 
 Park^ and at Night in one of the Boxes 
 in Covent-Garden Play- houfe. I wou'd 
 have gone to Drury-Lmte indeed, but 
 they were full. All the People in the 
 Pit ftared at me -, and if there had been 
 any Ladies in the Boxes, I fhould have 
 been as much look'd at by them : But I 
 don't know how it is, People of Fafhion 
 won't go to the new Houfe, they have 
 got fuch an odd Notion, that there is 
 
 not
 
 TOM FOOL, 139 
 
 not a Set of as good Actors at one Houfe, 
 as at t'other. — It's a very unfair Way 
 of judging I am fure-, for Mr. Rich gives 
 his People as much Salary, and as many 
 good Parts, as they do theirs at the 
 other Houfe : But as I have heard feveral 
 of the Co'vent-Garden Adors fay. — It's all 
 a Party Affair. 
 
 For a whole Week after I had appear'd 
 in Public, we took in the Nev/s Papers, 
 to fee if no Lady had put in an Advertife- 
 ment, about a young Gentleman in White 
 and Blue, and Silver : — But my Time 
 was not come, every Dog has his Day 
 you know. 
 
 In the Club I ufed at the Gentleman 
 and Porter, we toafled all the fine La- 
 dies of Quality : For the Set of Bucks 
 there had been great with moflof them. 
 
 Thofe great Ladies are eafily comat- 
 table i it's only walking in the Park till 
 they fix their Eyes upon you, and they'll 
 fend their Footman to dog you Home ; 
 or elfe fitting down by them at the Maf- 
 querade, and chattering a-bit, and they'll 
 take you to the Hummums, and in the 
 Morning give you a Gold repeating 
 Watch, a Diamond Ring, and a Purfe 
 of Gold. 
 
 For lorn Pirch^ the Watch - maker's 
 Son J IVill Tippett^ the Habit-maker, 
 
 and
 
 140 The History of 
 
 and NedVampit^ oi Cranh our n- Alley \ all 
 had been ferv'd fo, as they told me them- 
 felves. 
 
 This made me long to be taken Into 
 Keeping, by fome Woman of Quality \ 
 — tho' my Mama was againft it, be- 
 caufe fhe faid I was inclinable to a Con- 
 fumption; and I had then, as I have 
 now, a httle Touch of the Ailhma. — So 
 I muft beg Leave to reft here a little. 
 
 And with your Leave, Reader, when 
 Mr. Poplin has recovered his Breath a lit- 
 tle, v/e'll begin a new Chapter. 
 
 CHAP.
 
 TOM FOOL. 141 
 
 CHAP. XXV. 
 
 WALKING one Day in the Park, 
 I faw Tippet take his Leave of a 
 very fine Lady : She had a Silk Furbe- 
 low on ; her Buckles fparkled, long 
 broad Ribbons hung down her Hat ; fhe 
 had the finefl: Complexion in the World, 
 her Cheeks were as red as Vermillion ; 
 and fhe darted her Eyes about, juil like 
 Clock-work. 
 
 This I judged to be one of TFiW^ 
 Women of Quahty : So after he was out 
 of Sight, I fid led up to her, and walked 
 by her : She fm.iled at me very often, i 
 wou'd have faid fomething to her, but 
 my Heart failM me : At lafl flie faid, 
 you feem to know me, Sir ; upon which 
 (for I had my Speech ready) I reply'd, 
 I had often before, at a Diftance, ador'd 
 her •, but Fortune, till that Moment, had 
 never been fo propitious, as to permit 
 me the extatic Tranfport of telling her 
 fo :-^She faid, pon her onner, fhe did 
 •not underftand me. I anfwered her 
 again, and fhe me •, and fhe kept walking 
 till we came to Buckingham Gate \ fhe 
 ccmplain'd fhe v,as tired, and I prevail'd 
 on her to flep to the Inn there, and eat 
 xi Naples Bilket, 
 
 Well,
 
 142 The History of 
 
 Well, Gentlemen, you may believe 
 me, or not ; but what I tell you is 
 Truth, and Til take my Oath on't. I- 
 I--I— there enjoy'd her.— I cannot tell 
 you, what I thought of myfelf then, or 
 of her afterwards : When fhe axt me to 
 lend her a Guinea, — I was in Amaze. — I 
 told her, as foon as I cou'd come to 
 myfelf ^--that 1 imagin'd fuch young 
 Ladies as Ihe gave Gentlemen Money, 
 not took any :~- Upon which, fhe fwore 
 a great Oath, dafhed a Glafs of Wine in 
 my Face, feiz'd me by the Shirt Collar, 
 and tore it out of the Gathers ; faying— 
 What^ you Pimp^ do you want to turn Pet- 
 ticoat Penf.oner, Then Ihe fnatch'd my 
 Sword.— Nay, I thought fhe wou'd have 
 ftuck me with it, for flie half drew it ; 
 but I gave her a Moidore, and Half-a*- 
 Crown for Coach-hire j fo we dr^nk, and 
 were Friends. 
 
 This Accident made me very careful 
 of engaging in another Intrigue •, — as I 
 was ar a Lofs how to pick the Good from 
 the Bad : For you know. Gentlemen, they 
 Drefs as much alike, as can be; but 
 whether that is the Women of Fafhion's, 
 or the Women of the Town's Fault, I 
 cannot tell. 
 
 Some fev/ Days after, a Gentleman of 
 my Mother's Acquaintance, took her 
 
 and
 
 TOM F O O L. 143 
 
 and me into the Pit at Drury-Lane 
 Houfe ; and juft before the Play began, 
 into the right-hand Stage Box came the 
 fine Mils Demirep. --My Mother whil- 
 per'd me her Name •, told me that was 
 my Mark, and bid me begin Ogling.—- 
 I watch'd her Eyes j— (he threw them 
 about at Random : 1 cou'd not meet 
 them, tho' I had made mine Water with 
 Straining, till after the firfl Acl was 
 over. When flie perceiv'd me, I began 
 to languifh indeed, and with great Suc- 
 cefs : For tho' Mr. Garrick adled that 
 Night, fhe was always looking at me, 
 except when he was upon the Stage. 
 
 I got out before her, as my Mother 
 bid me, waited at the Box Doors, faw 
 her get into her Chair. I bow'd to her. 
 She faw me thro' h^r Glafles, and return'd 
 it.— Av>'ay fhe went, fwing, fwang. — I 
 followed,— tho' I fpoiled a new Pair of 
 white Silk Stockings by it ^ for it was wet 
 Weather, and fhe liv'd as far as Grof- 
 'venor-Street.—\ faw her hous'd, I went 
 backward and forward, by her Door, 
 for two Hours after ♦, but I fancy fhe did 
 not know I was there, becaufe I cou'd 
 not keep up with her Chairmen. 
 
 Next Day, about Noon, I walk'd by 
 her Houfe again, upon the Pavement, 
 on t'other Side of the Way. She faw 
 
 me.
 
 144 The History of 
 
 me, and threw up the Safli •, I made her 
 a Bow.^ and walk'd off toward the Park ; 
 but fhe did'nt come into the Mall that 
 Day, for it fell a Raining. 
 
 Next Day I went again j (he was up 
 one Pair of Stairs, and another fine La- 
 dy with her. And I did not defpair, 
 after my being acquainted with Mifs 
 Demireps to have that young Lady too, 
 and fo have two Strings to my Bow. 
 'Up went the Safh again ; but as I was 
 looking at them, not minding my Feet, 
 I fell over a Chair Pole -, my Sword w^as 
 entangled in my Coat Skirts, and my 
 Hands all in the Mud ♦, and the Mob 
 Hollowed fo, I was ready to die with 
 Vexation. When I was pick'd up, and 
 -had recover'd myfelf, the Safh was down, 
 the Ladies gone, but the Street Door 
 was open, and a Servant beckon'd me to 
 him, and flily gave me a Paper, all ty'd 
 -like a true Lover's Knot, and in k 
 was. 
 
 Bear Adonis^ 
 
 IF you are the Man of Spirit, your 
 Figure Promifes, be at Bedford-tVally 
 Bloomjbtiry-Square^ at Twelve this Even- 
 ing. Adieu, be fecret, ajid be happy. 
 
 It
 
 T O M F O O L. 14-5 
 It was a very melancholy Spot. How* 
 ever, 1 hired a Couple of Men to guard 
 me, and away I went to the Place of 
 AfTignation. The Night was very tem- 
 peftuous ; we never faw ne're a Soul 'till 
 pafl one o'Clock. Then her Servant 
 came, who made an Excufe for his La- 
 dy : That ilie was unsxpededly en- 
 gaged, but wou'd be there in lefs than 
 two Hours. I ftaid there 'till paft 
 Three, almoft perifli'd with Cold and 
 Rain. The People I hired, wou'd not 
 ftay any longer without Drink •, — The 
 Watchman wou'd not fe:ch it : And I 
 wou'd not let them leave me there 
 alone •, lb we all three went to a Night- 
 Cellar. 
 
 In the Interim, to fee that Providence 
 fliou'd contrive it fo, Mifs Demirep 
 came by in her Chariot : Vex'd to be 
 fure fhe was, but ilill, what won't a Lady 
 in love forgive •, (he order'd me to be 
 there at the fame Hour, in three Nights 
 Time. 
 
 I went Home to my Mother's, to go to 
 Bed •, but fhe and the Gentleman, who 
 had treated us at the Play, and a young 
 Lady (lie had flole for him by Fortune- 
 telling, were all fet forward for France 
 together, my Money and all, as (he told 
 me in a Letter fhe left for me. To add * 
 H to
 
 14-6 The History of 
 
 to this Lofs, when I fell over the Poles, 
 the People who pick'd me up, alfo pick'd 
 my Watch out of my Pocket. 
 
 Thefe Things, you'll fay, wou'd have 
 turn'd fome Folks Brain ; but I knew 
 Mifs Demirep had Watches enough, and 
 as for Money, — -fhe had enough of 
 that too. 
 
 I caird next Day at the Gentleman 
 and Porter, told our Club my good 
 Tuck, fhewed them Mifs Demirep's Let- 
 ter. They bid me take Care of myfelf, 
 for 'iTippel was then keeping his Bed, up- 
 on Account of a Gentleman, who heard 
 him mention a great Lady's Name, and 
 fay he had danc'd, and drank Tea with 
 her. When the Gentlem.an came to ex- 
 amine him, as the Devil wou'd have it, 
 Tom cou'd not tell if fhe was a black 
 Woman, or a fair One, or Ihort, or tall. 
 So he got fuch a Beating, the Surgeon 
 fays, he never will be his own Man 
 again. 
 
 But now. Gentlemen, judge if my 
 Cafe is not the hardeft in the whole 
 World ', for inftead of being able to meet 
 Mifs Demireps I was taken ill at Tea- 
 time, of fome thing like the fpotted Fe- 
 ver : Whether that impudent Woman 
 at Buckinghajn-Gate^ that I drank with, 
 gave me any Poifon in my Glafs, Vv^hen 
 
 we
 
 TOM F O O I - 
 
 we drank Friends, I can'c te I ; -bi:: I 
 was forc'd to keep my Room nine V/ceks, 
 all in Flannels, and to make away with 
 my Cloaths •, and after I was well, the 
 Dodlor fent me here for not paying 
 him. 
 
 There was fomething fo very perti- 
 nent in Junior % Remarks upon the fore- 
 going Narration •, that altho' the tran- 
 fcriber refolv'd not to fufFer one ferious 
 Sentence to be introduc'd into this Per- 
 formance, he cin't help for once, and 
 only once, to alter his Method. 
 Junior. 
 
 I don't fo much blame as pity this 
 young Fellow, for being fo egregioufly 
 taken in \ but what (hall we fay to thofe 
 of our Sex, older, and feemingly other- 
 wife fenfible People, v/ho receive as au- 
 thentic fuch ignomiinious Reports con- 
 cerning Women of Di(lin6lion. 
 
 Thefe Inconfiftencies arofe at firfl 
 from the Forgeries, pradlis'd by the mod 
 noted ProcurefTcs upon rich Foreigners, 
 on their firfl arrival in London. I'hofe 
 infamous Dealers infinuating, that fuch 
 and fuch iliuftrious Beauties ufed their 
 Houfes incog. 
 
 The enamour'd Hearers fwallow'd 
 
 the Bait. Prefented high, and after 
 
 many feeming Difficukies, and Appoint- 
 
 H 2 ment$
 
 14S The History of 
 
 merits made, a dale fliowey Strum- 
 pet is palmed upon thef^ undiilinguifh- 
 ing Dupes, for a delicate Figure of 
 Birth and Breeding. 
 
 Yet are the Gallants not ufed one Jot 
 worfe than they ought to be -, for Mef- 
 fieurs, the firll Opportunity, communi- 
 cates, in a Whifper of Secrecy, their right 
 honourable Intrigue : Imagining Ladies 
 Favours, like Monarchs Gifts, muil be 
 expos'd to every Body, to give a Con- 
 fequence to the PofTelTor. 
 
 But the prefent Madnefs of mangUng 
 noble Reputations, is owing to that ob- 
 noxious Exiilence, a News-monger. 
 
 Formerly, it was a Falhion to have 
 a Fool in every great F^amily. But as 
 Things are now circumfianc'd, — luch 
 a Chara(5ler wou'd be needlefs : There- 
 fore the upper Servants retain a comical 
 Fellow, or Sing-fong-man in his Place ; 
 and every Time my Lord or Lady dines 
 out, this choice Spirit receives a Card to 
 drink a Bottle of Burgundy^ in the Stew- 
 ard's Room, or Butler's Plate-Ciofet ; 
 there he liftens with Rapture, to a Ca- 
 talogue of Quality Names -, and accord- 
 ing as Madam Abigd is in Temper, or 
 Mr. Thomas in Spirits, the vificing Lift 
 is treated with Obloquy, or Panegvric.
 
 T O xM FOOL. 149 
 
 Next Morning, this Man of Mirth, 
 at his City Coffee -houfe ; (or if he is a 
 very high Genius) at the Bedfoi-d •, be- 
 gins with, — To\n was joii at the Shake- 
 fpear laft Night ? — / promised Kitty to be 
 there ; — but I got too much Burgundy at 
 his Grace's : Jnd I heard my Lord fay^' — 
 a7td the Countefs told me. — For he puts all 
 into the firft Perfon -, and then goes on 
 with Bon-mots and fecret Hiilortes, as 
 his Memory or Fancy may furnidi him. 
 
 Flis wide-mouth Hearers, the Re- 
 tailers of the Romance of the Day, 
 fwallowing each Sentence, hurry out 
 like Runners to a Lottery-office, and 
 fritter away at their dumpling-eating 
 Ordinaries, the News of the Court. 
 Thus in twenty-four Hours, every Su- 
 pernumerary Tide-waiter, Scene-keeper, 
 Fifh-fogger, and Warehoufe-man, knows 
 all about what pafs'd at St. James\ : 
 Who and who are coming together ; 
 who and who are parted \ how much 
 fuch a Lord loft upon turning up a 
 Knave at All-fours, at Whites \ or what 
 Haberdafher's Apprentice fuch a Lady 
 
 Keeps. This is fent by Way of Poft- 
 
 fcript News into the Country. The 
 Fiditious are colour*d afrefh, and like 
 the Belief of Apparitions, propagated 
 from Parifh to Parifh. — 
 
 H 3 Mr.
 
 2 50 The History of 
 
 Mr. Fcol was then defir'd, (as he fat 
 next the Gentleman who told the lad 
 Story •, and as it was to go round like a 
 Song) that he wou'd let the Company 
 know fomecing about himfelf. 
 
 'Tom repeated what the Reader may 
 have already read. Wid^ his Story 
 they concluded the Evening, and we 
 the Chapter, 
 
 C tl A P.
 
 TOM F O O L. i5x 
 
 CHAP. XXVI. 
 
 NEXT Morning, Mr. Mackendroch 
 deliver'd to Tom Fool the promi- 
 fed Manulcript. Tom immediately re- 
 tir'd to his uncurtain'd Lodging, and 
 there read as follows. 
 
 Patchwork ; or, the Life of John 
 Junior^ Efq-, Interfperfed with DiiTer^- 
 tations, Quotations, Characters, De- 
 fcriptions, Similies, Variations of Stile, 
 Contents of Chapters, and Conclufions, 
 Being an univerfal Copy-Book ; or, 
 AfTiftant for all Pen-men in the Pam- 
 phlet Way. Defign'd particularly as a 
 Common place, or Compendium : To 
 be made ufe of, by the Putters-together 
 of Things •, for the Circulating Libra- 
 ries. 
 
 ^ufquamne igiiur eft^ inter Scribleros 
 fui Tmporis, Scriblerus fieri velit pr^ecla- 
 riffiunu : Hoc fihi Falmarimn ducat. 
 
 The Laft Edition. 
 
 H 4 C H A P.
 
 152 Thi Hi 
 
 STORY OF 
 
 The CHAPTER ^/Eloquence. 
 Peter the Great ^ Czar of Mufcovy, 
 
 WH E N in England^ often vifited 
 Mifs Crcfs^ a celebrated A&efs. 
 Her DreiTer was very pretty ; and during 
 the Monarch's Refidence in Great Bri- 
 'tain, was brought to Bed of a fine Boy ; 
 but before her Month was up, turned 
 out of Doors by her Miftrefs. Not 
 knowing properly how to difpofe of her 
 Babe, fhe recommended it to Providence 
 on the Church-wardens Threfhold. Pro- 
 vidence preferv'd the Infant, the Over- 
 feers took Charge of it, and the Innocent 
 was neither Overlaid, Starved, Bhnded, 
 or Lamed. This Ihews how wrong 
 ibme People are in their Notions ; to 
 fuppofe every Child is either difabled, 
 or dellroy'd, that is put out to Nurfe by 
 the Pariih. 
 
 When the Boy cou'd go alone, he was 
 hired by a Beggar-woman ; from thence 
 cunvey'd to a Gang of Gypfies : With 
 them he ftroled, until the Age of Six- 
 teen. Then aClergyman, (before whom 
 he was brought, for making too free 
 with a Cock 2xShrove-ilde ;) in Hopes to 
 
 reclaim.
 
 TOM FOOL. 153 
 
 reclaim, and preferve him, took him 
 Home, and made him Footman in or- 
 dinary 10 the Family. But before the 
 Sun had fhaped his Zodiac Courfe •, or, 
 according to the prefent Fafliion of Phi- 
 lofophy, before the ele(5lrined Earth had 
 performed aiiother Anniverfary, he found 
 the Way -to his young Miftrefs's Bed; 
 perfuaded her to efcape with him, and 
 enter among his old Companions the 
 Gypfies. 
 
 Amono; this Common-wealth of Men- 
 dicants, the fair Renegada was brought 
 to Bed of a Son. 
 
 After the young Lady was out of her 
 Straw, a Committee was appointed to 
 name the Child ^ but the Father pro- 
 tefled againil that Motion ^ for as he 
 had no Name himfelf, why fnould his 
 Son ? For you know (direding his Dif- 
 couife to the Queen of the AfTembly) 
 Yes, I do know, reply'd the wrinkled 
 Regifter of Times long pad. As fhe 
 arole from her Stool, the long-worn Ri.^ 
 flowly Hiding off her Shoulders. — I do 
 know, you ought to have had a Name ; 
 therefore fhe order'd the Father to bear, 
 and wear the Name of Senior^ and his 
 Son to be call'd Junior : And by thofe 
 Names, if the Reader has a mind to be 
 H 5 more
 
 154 The History of 
 
 more acquainted with them, they are 
 hereafter to be known. ' 
 
 The excefiive Fondnefs "whichjumor's 
 Mother was guilty of towards her firfl- 
 born, almofl ruin'd the Child : Inftead 
 offuffering him to be brought up in the 
 Lacedemonian Manner ; a Manner in 
 which all true Gypfies are conflituted, 
 ilie kept him in clean Linnen, wafli'd his 
 Face with Lemon-juice, to take the Tan 
 off, and wou'd not let him walk bare- 
 foot for the World.— As to pradifing 
 Cards and Dice, and the Dexterity of 
 each, file was not againft ; becaufe, as flie 
 faid, by and by, he wou'd be in high 
 Life, llie hop'd, and therefore it was ne- 
 ceflary he Ihou'd know how to behave 
 liimfelf. But the Eifeminacy with which 
 fiic educated him, occafion'd a Meeting 
 to be call'd ; and there the eldeil of the 
 Brotherhood thus dehvered himfelf. 
 
 '' My Friends, my Brothers, myFel- 
 ** low-labourers. The more we obferve 
 ** Life, the more Reafon we have to be 
 ** alarm'd, lead any of it's prefent Fol- 
 " lies, fnou'd either thro' Falliion, or 
 *' Prejudice, taint our Society, and Gyp- 
 *' fies become degenerated, like the reft 
 " of Mankind. 
 
 « When
 
 TOMFOOL. is5 
 
 " When was there a Gypfy fo wretch- 
 *' ed, as ro ridicule the Religion of 
 " his Forefathers ? Or whea one bafe 
 '* enough to grumble againd the Go- 
 *' vernment he was protected by r Have 
 " we adorn'd one gable End of our 
 *' Barns with Gothic Arches, or Venetian 
 " Windows ? Or do we ever Ipread our 
 ** Straw out after the Ckinefe manner ? 
 
 " Is it not owing to our bringing up, 
 " that we are able to attempt, and to 
 '' endure ?—i\nd is it not ?— But look, 
 *-* --look into the World-, behold hovv it 
 '' is peopled, except among us : Can 
 '' any Part of Mankind call themfelves 
 ^' Hardyy Hen eft ^ Healtb\\ and Daring. 
 
 '* Let not therefore the Blood of the 
 *' Gypfies be adulterated. Let Senior's 
 '^ Son be brought up like a Man, that 
 *' lie may get Men : But let not vigour- 
 *' tainting Affections be introduc'd a- 
 " mong us ; but be this promifing Child 
 " immediately weaned from his Depra- 
 " vities, fix hiai in Health and Exer- 
 '' cifes, leaft his Juices, and his Under- 
 " (landing be equally impair'd, his Prin- 
 *' ciples poifon'd, his Courage loil in 
 *' Self-love, and he in the End, become 
 *' either a Smarts a Jemmy., a Choice Spi- 
 " r/7, a Daffodil^ or a Blood; Beings 
 ** unfit to fwarm upon the Face of the 
 H 6 '' Earth,
 
 ^5^ The History of 
 
 *^ E'.arth ; and fuch as have yet never 
 " been known in a Gang of Gyyfies ; 
 *' and therefore I hope Providence will 
 ''* prevent our Breed from ever being 
 *' contaminated by fuch Derogations." 
 
 Brunetta then fpoke (for thefe Itine- 
 rants, like Qiiakers, allow Women to 
 hold forth am.ong i]\txvi,]--Methinks^ Mr. 
 Mazh^you fnight have [oftened your Speech^ 
 as one may fay^ and been a little more de- 
 licate^ for the Sake of Majler Junior'j 
 Mama.' 
 
 " For whofe Sake ? (interrupted Ha- 
 " zle,) His Mama's Sake? I do it 
 " for her Sake, and all our Sakes ? For 
 " we are all as one -, we are born foF 
 ** each other. Was there ever a Gypfy, 
 "' that pofTefTed fo narrow a Mind, as 
 " tcr think of himfelf, when the Good 
 ^' of all was concern'd. — No, — but Bre- 
 " thren, be not amus'd v^ith Delicacy : 
 If once Delicacy, as 'tis call'd, gets 
 Footing among us ; what then be- 
 comes of Manhood ^ Luxury imme- 
 diately follows:. attended by Senfuality, 
 ** and Impotence -, Then what will be- 
 *' come of the Race of Gypfies ? Cor- 
 " ruption wou'd creep into our Coun- 
 *' cils i and in half a Century more, a 
 ** Gvpfy wou'd be afham'd to be Sun- 
 « born'd/' 
 
 This
 
 TOM FOOL. 157 
 
 This Harangue had the intended 
 Effedl ', Junior's Mother was forc'd to 
 part with her Darhng ; which flie took 
 fo much to Heart, that fhe left Mr. Se- 
 nior and his Son, and took Shelter at a 
 School mailer's. 
 
 Her Behaviour at firft very much 
 afflidled them \ but they comforted them- 
 feJves, with refiedling her Error did not 
 cafl any Odium upon their Society, fince 
 fhe was not a Gypfy, but only a Gentle- 
 woman. 
 
 After his Lady's Elopement, Mr. 
 Senior'^s whole Study was to inflrudlj/^- 
 nior in every Accomplifhment proper for 
 him, to make a Figure in the World 
 with. He taught him Boxing and Back- 
 gammon, to fecure at Hazard, and play 
 at Small-fword •, to drink Sentiments, 
 and ride for Saddles ; to feed Cocks, and 
 dance Hornpipes. But in the midfl of 
 Junior''^ Exercifes, the flrong Hand of 
 Law feiz'd upon the Parent, and con- 
 demned him to a feptennial Exile. 
 
 This was Spite and Malice ; for tho' 
 y«»i^r's Father had a ftrong Propenfity to 
 ieize every Thing portable, it was no 
 more criminal in him, than it is. in a 
 Puppy, to tear every Thing before he's 
 worm'd. Befides, as Do6lor Woodward 
 lays, in his State of Phyfic, — Page 1 5.
 
 1^2 The History of 
 
 Sahs are fometimes fo vitiated^ and fo 
 exuberant^ as io get 'Dominion ever the 
 Patient^ put him out of his ovon , Power, 
 and fuhjeci him intirely to their Gcvernraent 
 and Infults. 
 
 Therefore, this was a Diflemper com- 
 mon to the whole Species of Gypfies, as 
 the Scurvy is to Sailors, occafioned by 
 living upon fait Visuals, as aforefaid. 
 During the Days of his Captivity, Mr. 
 Senior invented the Liquor to flain the 
 Ends of Tooth-picks. Altho' this may 
 be thought trivial, by an unconcern'd 
 Reader, yet it is proper to be mention'd 
 here. Family Memorials are daily pub- 
 lifhed •, and in them, the celebrated Per- 
 fonages are invefli2;ated with m.ore Ac- 
 compHfhments than evenTomb-ftones tell 
 us : Perhaps, therefore, this Secret here- 
 after might be attributed to feme other 
 Perfon. 
 
 5-/^^ C H A P T E R t?/ Honour. 
 
 AFTER Mr. Senior's Embark- 
 ation, Junior his Son was enter- 
 tain'd by the Proprietor of a Set of 
 moving Theatrical Figures, cali'd a Pup- 
 pet- Ihew.
 
 TOM FOOL. jsg 
 
 pet-fliew. In that State he continued, 
 until the Hufband caught him in Sed 
 with his Wife : This occafioned fome 
 little Unearinefs in the Family. 
 
 The Manager of the Company, in a 
 Pet, lifted for a Marine, and fold his 
 Dramatis Perfonde by Auction. Punch 
 was bought by an Inn-keeper for a Bac- 
 chus \ a Tobacconift took Romeo, being 
 a genteel Figure, to frand at his Shop 
 Door, with a Pipe in his Mouth v Har- 
 lequin was fold to a Snuff-fhop, for the^ 
 Sign of the Highlander ; the Dezil wa$ 
 given to the School-boys to make a Bon- 
 fire with ; the Landlady's Daughter had 
 Juliet for a Dolj^ and the Attorney's 
 Wife put up Joan and the Blackamoor 
 Lady, for two Chinefe Figures, on her 
 Chimney-piece. As to the reft of the 
 A(5i;ors, and AclrefTes, they were billeted 
 away to boil Tea-kettles with. 
 
 Junior^ and the Lady of the Show, 
 prepar'd for London ; but on the firft 
 Evening of their Journey, a recruiting 
 Serjeant, who had formerly been ac- 
 quainted with the Party Junior was ef- 
 ccrting, join'd them. When old Friends 
 meet, they have always fomething par- 
 ticular to fay to one another \ but that 
 Converfation was poftpon'd 'till Junior 
 fhou'd be afleep^ and then Slip-ftiod, 
 
 with
 
 /6o The History of 
 
 \vith only her under Petticoat on, Ibftty 
 crept to the Military's Apartment. 
 
 No fooner did Junior perceive her leave 
 the Bed (for he had overheard the A- 
 greement, and therefore counterfeited 
 Sleep) but Jealoufy, foul-feeding Fiend, 
 took PoiTelTion of his Bread, Bofom, and 
 Stomach \ thence fublimating to his Head, 
 it there met the Daemon Drunkennefs, al- 
 ready Tenant of the pineal Gland, the 
 Soul's chief Seat. He arofe all Uproar j 
 and huddling on his Cloaths, he rumpled 
 up in his Arms, Gown, Stays, Stockings, 
 Apron, and quilted Petticoat, the Apparel 
 belonging to his fair Inconftant, and 
 vow'd with 4 loud Vow, he wou'd fa- 
 crifice them to his Refentment in the 
 Kitchen Fire. 
 
 Jull at the Moment he was hurrying 
 down the Stair-cafe of the Inn, to put 
 his fatal Refolv^es in Execution, one of 
 the Quorum was hobbling up to Bed \ the 
 Chambermaid, with a long Candle in her 
 Hand, and a Pan of Coals under her 
 Arm, preceded his Worlhip •, and Wtll 
 the Waiter brought up the Rear, with a 
 large China Bafon full of Sack Whey. 
 
 Blinded by Revenge, Junior broke the 
 Cavalcade, by beating down the Maid ; 
 back en the Juflice Ihe fell \ the burn-
 
 TOM FOOL. i6i 
 
 ing Coals came all over his Honour, and 
 his Honour all into the Sack Whey. 
 
 The Perpetrator of this Fa6t dropp'd 
 the Bundle, deflin'd to the Flames i and 
 crawling over the fallen Carcafles, made 
 his Efcape into the Yard. TheDarknefs 
 of the Night aflifling, he eluded his Pur- 
 fuers, by fecreting himfelf in the Boot 
 of a Stage Coach. 
 
 Before the taper Fingers of Mifs 
 Morning had lifted up the Portcullis of 
 the Ecliptic, the Oltler unbolted the 
 Gates of the Inn, to expedite fome Scotch^ 
 Merchants. Junior took that Opportu- 
 nity, unperceiv'd, crept from his Lurk- 
 ing-place, and followed the North BritiJJj 
 Dealers. . 
 
 He flopp'd at the Turnpike, refolving 
 to wait there, 'till Mr. Bill the Serjeant 
 came up, and demand Satisfaftion ; 
 Junior being determined not to fufFer 
 fuch an Indignity to be caft upon his 
 Honour. 
 
 For Honour is the innate Principle of 
 choice Spirits ; it ads upon Mankind, 
 as Inftind infligates all other Animals : 
 It is like a good Complexion, any body 
 may wear it : It is like the Philofopher*s 
 Stone, it brings great Riches by Tranf- 
 mutationj it is like a Maidenhead, often 
 fold over and over *, it is a Waterman's 
 
 Badge,
 
 iGi The History of 
 
 Badge, that won't let the Wearer be 
 prefs'd into the Service ^ it is like a 
 Flint, it fires upon being (Iriick •, it is 
 like. — What is it not like ? — But toun- 
 fimilife it out of our Way : Therefore 
 we fhall leave the Reader a little while 
 in the Dark, as we have done Junior^ 
 and reconnoitre the naughty Couple left 
 at the Inn. 
 
 It was v/ith fome Difficulty the Ser- 
 jeant's Lady recover'd her Cloaths •, and 
 Mr. Drills with much grumbling, paid 
 the Reckoning ; his Miftrefs having, in 
 a Fit of vail Fondnefs, made the other 
 Gallant her Calh-keeper. — An Error, 
 which I hope all Ladies that keep, will 
 guard againft hereafter. 
 
 Junior difcover'd the faithlefs Pair 
 ilraining up the Hill. He Aid imme- 
 diately from his Mile-ftone Seat; hitch- 
 ing up his Breeches with one Hand, and 
 brandilhing a Piece of Faggot Wood in 
 rhe other, intrepid mov'd to meet the 
 Subaltern Staff-Officer. 
 
 As when, — but v/ehave no Time for 
 Comparifons. — Drills foon as he met 
 Junior^ held his Hand out to him open— 
 the Emblem of Amity : — but the other, 
 inftead of accepting it, told him, with a 
 Face fiery red with Vexation, — I didn't 
 exped this Ufage- fix)m you. Sir; I 
 
 looked
 
 TOM FOOL. 1% 
 
 looked upon you, Sir, to be a Man of 
 Honour ? 
 
 Brill, 
 
 Sir, this is the firftTime that ever my 
 Honour was cail'd in Queflion. — Don't 
 make fuch a Fufs, interrupted the Fe- 
 male ', fome People are fuch odd Mor- 
 tals. — Upon my Honour, Mr. Junior^ 
 you us'd me ill about my Cloaths ; be- 
 caufe the Serjeant and I mought be to- 
 gether. — I know'd him formerly ; and I 
 have too much Honour to be ungrateful 
 to any Man : Befides, if you had been 
 afleep, you wou'd have known nothing of 
 it ; and then, where was the Harm of it ? 
 Brill. 
 
 Don't cry, Bett ; I am ready to an- 
 fwer Mr. Junior^ as every Man of Ho- 
 nour ought. As to what's paft, I afk 
 your Pardon, and I am fure that's Satif- 
 fadion enough for a Gentleman; fori un- 
 derftand what it is to be a Man of Ho- 
 nour, as well as any one in England. 
 But what's that, when a Man is hungry. 
 - — Here's Bett and I hav'n't broke our 
 Faft To-day, and this Hill has almoft 
 kill'd us. 
 
 Junior, 
 
 Sir, fince you have clear'd up every 
 Thing, as a Man of Honour ought ;— 
 here's my Hand :- -I'll bear your Charges. 
 
 —The
 
 1 64 1' H E History of 
 — The patient Kiifband, thus— but a 
 Word to the Wife is enough.— There- 
 foFe, brother Writers •,— Gentlemen of 
 the Bookfellers Band, accept of the fol- 
 lowing Inflruclions. 
 
 Marcus Scaurus has defin'd Invention 
 to be an Ebullition of Ideas. Now in 
 the Ebbs and Flows of Thought, the Cur- 
 rents, Tides, Outfalls, Eddies, and 
 Standing- waters of Tafte,— -no Perfon's 
 Head is fo much Whirl -pooi'd, as an 
 Authors V inwardly v^orking by the 
 wambling of the Brain •, which, like the 
 Oratory of the Quakers, can never bring 
 fortli, 'till the Spirit moves it.---There- 
 fore it behoves Penmen to be very Houfe- 
 wifely, mingling all Things they can 
 for the Good of the Public, as the Frag- 
 ments of Sunday's Supper may ferve 
 for Monday's Breakfaft.— Often there- 
 fore, like me, prefent your Readers with 
 aHafh. 
 
 Here, like Longinus^ I have wrote the 
 Precept, and given the Example, at the 
 fame Time. Often will the Reader meet 
 with a fimilar Incident in the following 
 circumlocutory Regider, which really 
 has a Moral, 
 
 And, no Doubt, 
 
 But each has Senfe enough to find it out. 
 
 C H A I^
 
 TOM F O O L. 165 
 
 rbe CHAPTER^/ Secrecv, 
 
 r"!"^ HIS Hiftory is filent on a very 
 
 X material Point. — Whether Bett 
 
 was, or was not true, to Junior's Bed, 
 
 the reft of the Journey. But we muft 
 
 judge charitably. Suppofing then, that 
 Junior receiv'd no farther Wrong, or he 
 did not iind out any •, which, as the Lady 
 obferv'd, is all the fame Thing.— -We 
 fhall efcort them to Colcheftcr^ where the 
 Serjeant's Enfign quartered \ who imme- 
 diately difpacchVi Mr. Drill to Town 
 with a Deferter, and took Belt to him- 
 ielf i providing alfo for her Coufin Ju- 
 nior (asfhe call'd him) by making him 
 Servant in ordinary. Junior inherited 
 from his Father a manual Dexterity, or 
 Shght of Hand ; for the Praflice of 
 which Accomphthment he loft his Place. 
 Not that any thing cou'd be prov'd upon 
 him i but the Officer fwore he was like 
 Ccefar^ for that his Wife, or Servant, 
 fliou'd not be fufpecled. 
 
 From Colchefter Junior took a fpeedy 
 Departure, big with Expectation of the 
 Pleafures he fhou'd enjoy in London. 
 
 Thus raging to be rich, French Dan- 
 cers;, Pimps, Cooks, and Hair-cutters, 
 
 venture
 
 i66 The History of 
 
 venture to crofs the Sea, flavifh to 
 earn, or beg, or pilfer England's ready 
 Money. 
 
 For that the unfexed Singer fhips 
 itfelf from Italy's effeminated Shore.— 
 For that Oh, London^ London^ Lon- 
 don : Thou, Hke thy fair River Thames^ 
 receives the Rubbifh of each Soil. 
 
 On his Arrival at Whitecbappel^ he 
 flar'd with vaft Surprize at the Carcafe 
 Butchers •, was amaz'd at the Show- 
 glaffes in Lombard-Street^ but mifs'd fee- 
 ing the Manfion-houfe i being taken up 
 with contemplating the Stream of the 
 Kennel, and wonder'd how they cou'd 
 let fo much Water run to wafiie. 
 
 Mr. Drill then met him ; and after 
 refolving a few Queftions, reciprocally— 
 by the military Interefl, he was made 
 Waiter at 
 
 Junior's natural Parts foon made him 
 be taken Notice of by fome Gentlemen 
 of Fortune. (/. e. who lived by Fortune) 
 They paft for Men of Family, but v/ere 
 only Family Men. Beings as diftin6t 
 from each other, as a Gale from the 
 Spice Iflands, and the Reek of a rotten 
 Dunghill. 
 
 When they difcover'd his extraordi- 
 nary Handinefs, in Operations of Dex- 
 terity J
 
 TOM FOOL. 167 
 
 terlty •, he was nem. con. admitted a 
 Brother. 
 
 He acquitted himfelf in all Lucubra- 
 tions with a wonderful Prefence of 
 Mind. But having too many Irons in, 
 the- Fire, he happen'd to burn himfelf. 
 Tl>e Multiplicity of his Purfuits, which, 
 as a fporting Man, he was obliged to be 
 engaged in, occafioned an Incident, 
 which forced him toaoandon them all. 
 
 The Pleader rnull excufe me from fet- 
 ting down fecret Tranfadions of Life, as 
 if it was the Ordinary's Account. It is 
 cuftomary indeed, to commit into Print, 
 every domeftic Quarrel, natural Defecfl, 
 or youthful Indifcretion. 
 
 For my Brother Memoriaiifts, Ruffian- 
 like, rufn into a Lady's Bedchamber, 
 and uncover her to all the World •, re- 
 gardlefs of either Lav/, or 'Decency.-— 
 Yet I fhall not let the World into any 
 part of Junior^ Behaviour, that wou'd 
 blemidi his Reputation. Here then we 
 may, with Propriety, miake ufe of an 
 Pliatus ************ 
 
 ne
 
 i68 The History of 
 
 ^he CHAPTER ^/Schemes. 
 
 LIBERTY he regain'd, and re- 
 folv'd for the future to a6t out of 
 the Law's Reach ; at lead never more to 
 be concerned in any one Thing, which 
 the Letter pf it was diametrically 
 againfl. 
 
 But what now cou'd he do ? What 
 was he to Uve upon ? To Hve out of 
 London^ was next to not living •, and not 
 to live there like a Gentleman, he was 
 abfolutely againfl:, from the Prejudice of 
 former Praftice. 
 
 He confults his Friend, his only 
 Friend, a Female .3 at that Time Bar« 
 keeper to a French Wine-houfe. She 
 had formerly been Miftrefs of a Cofree- 
 houfe herfelf i but fond of witty Mens 
 Converfation, her Tenement became 
 noted, as a Houfe of Call, for clever 
 Fellows. This made the Men of real 
 Fortune defert her. For Perfons of 
 Condition don't care to fpend their 
 Eftates with People, who pretend to 
 have more Wit than themfelves. 
 
 Depriv'd of her Ready-money Cuftom- 
 ers, ihe was oblig'd to break up Houfe- 
 
 keeping.
 
 TOM FOOL. .169 
 
 keeping. Junior defir'd her Opinioa 
 abouu his hereafter Well-doing. 
 
 After fhe had heard him (and with 
 much Pain endeavoured to extract one 
 remaining Drop of Juice from a half 
 Lemon, already fqueez'd three Times 
 over) thus his fair Unfortunate began. 
 
 " Jack Junior you know I love you, 
 *^ and have often, before this laft Acci- 
 " dent happen'd, begg'd you wou'd 
 " leave oif the Family Men's Company. 
 '' —No, not you : — now fee what comes 
 ^'' on't: — before Fd be ftigmatiz'd as 
 " you are. — Lord, what's Life, if we 
 " can't be looked on as fome how.— 
 '' Now, as to a Whore ? W^hy to be 
 '' fure that's another Thing ; for every 
 *' body knows what they are about : — 
 " and I don't think there's any more Sin 
 *' in it, than there is in (hort Meafure ; 
 " but I wou'd not be a Family Man for 
 *' the World." 
 
 Junior. 
 
 I tell you, I am determin'd to leave 
 off Play •, for if the Juftices v/ere not fo 
 vigilant, we have fo many Interlopers, 
 (Gentle and Simple) in the feveral 
 Branches of Sharping, that Gambling is 
 now become fo common, upon my Ho- 
 nour I am afham'd on'c. 
 Amy. 
 
 Ay, and we have fo many Interlopers 
 I in
 
 170 The History of 
 
 in our Bufinefs too, that it's very hard 
 now for a Girl of the Town to get a de- 
 cent Living. It's a Shame that the Go- 
 vernment Ihou'd allow, either in your 
 Way, or mine, any People to fet up for • 
 themfelves, but thofe who have fuffer'd 
 Apprentice ihips. 
 
 Junicr, 
 
 But what wou'd you have me do 
 Amy ? 
 
 Amy, 
 
 I'd have you live like a Gentleman ; 
 no Man indites a better Letter than 
 yourfelf. I'm fure, if you've a Mind to 
 it, any Bookfeller will employ you ; 
 why fnou'dn'r you live by your Wit, as ' 
 well as we unhappy Women do by our 
 Faces. 
 
 Junior. 
 
 As to turning Author, I have no A- 
 verfion to that ; but when I have wrote, 
 who the Devil will mind it ; you fee al- 
 ready, there are more Books than Buy- 
 ers, more W^riters than Readers ; and 
 I don't doubt, but in a few Years, going 
 to School will be as much ridicul'd as 
 going to Church. 
 
 Amy. 
 
 I have got a fine Receipt by me to kill 
 Buggs. Suppofe you was to get a Pa- 
 tent for't 5 it wou'd do the World more 
 
 Good,
 
 TOM FOOL. jyi 
 
 Cood, than all your Tin6lures, or Lix- 
 urs, or Liquid Shells. 
 Junior, 
 
 I was thinking indeed to advertife 
 myfelf with a M. D. or A.M. before 
 my Name, and three or four more Ca- 
 pitals ', — but it wou'd be only to read 
 I^e6"tures in fome of the Sciences. I 
 cou'd pick enough out of the Diction- 
 aries in a Week's Time, as other Lec- 
 turers do. 
 
 Jni)\ 
 
 Ay, but People are too fond of hear- 
 ing themfelves talk now-a-days, to 
 mind what other Folks fay •, — except 
 you'll turn Methodift Preacher. 
 Junior. 
 
 I intend to have a Touch at that, on« 
 Day or another ; and for that Purpofe, 
 I have frequented Bedlam this Month 
 pafl, daily, on Purpofe to know how to 
 act Agonies : but I an't perfect enough 
 yet. 
 
 What think you then of the Stage, by 
 Way of Preparation. Mr. Rich I'm 
 fure wants People •, you are a good Fi- 
 gure. I have many Friends in the T'cvri- 
 f>le^ my Miflrefs's Keeper fhall puff you 
 oif in the City, — and then fnug, — you 
 are fure of a good Salary, 
 
 I 2 Junior.
 
 1^2 The History of 
 Junior, 
 
 Yes, if I had been of another Coun- 
 try, then my Friends wou'd have made 
 a national Affair on'r, and managed the- 
 Manager. But you know EngUjlo People, 
 either Abroad or at Home, are the only 
 People in the World who will not fup- 
 portone another. 
 
 Amy, 
 
 I have a rare Thought ; there's a 
 Pump Hands in our Garden, but never 
 us'd ; the Spring is fo brackifh, they 
 fay a Smith's Forge-water runs into the 
 Y\/'ell, fo that makes it a Mineral you 
 know. — And I'm fure we might, for half 
 a Guinea a Head, get fix or feven poor 
 People to make Aiiidavits they were 
 cured by it. — So then put fome hard 
 Words of Phyfic in the Papers about it, 
 — and it wou'd fell well, and be no 
 Difgrace to you neither, becaufe you 
 wouldn't be the only one of the Family 
 that has done fo. 
 
 Junior. 
 
 Suppofe you and I were to be mar- 
 ried •, I cou'd eafily furprize you in Bed 
 with fome rich young Fellow of my Ac- 
 quaintance. 
 
 Amy. 
 
 Lord, that's fuch an old Scheme -, — 
 
 why
 
 TOM F O O L. 1^3 
 
 v/ny Actions about criminal Converfa- 
 tions, are as much a Trade now-a-Days, 
 as Statutes of Bankruptcy. Tho' curfe 
 me, if I can think of any other Ways, 
 befides thofe I have mentioned, for you 
 to live like a Gentleman ; urilefs you'll 
 turn Pimp, and that I know your Spi- 
 rit's too great for. Tho' now-a- 
 
 Days 
 
 A Lady who came to pay Amf% Mi- 
 ftrefs a Vifit, put a Hop to their Conver- 
 fation, and Junior retir'd irrefolute. He 
 might indeed have made himfelf a Man 
 if he wou'd •, but there is a Saying, either 
 in Statiw!^ ov Eufiatius^ that if a Man 
 won't be good, he'll be good for No- 
 thing, 
 
 For tho' he has feen all the Worh], 
 and been quite the Thing in ir, his 
 whole Dependance is at prefent in turn- 
 ing Tobacco-ftoppers, except what may 
 arife from the Sale of this Book, which 
 is now exhibited before Company, for 
 the Erudition of all hereafter Life 
 Writers. 
 
 The
 
 174 The History of 
 
 The CHAPTER (/Narrations. 
 
 DEfcending from fo great an Origin,- 
 it is not to be wonder'd, that Ju- 
 7tior^s Views were amazingly extenfive. 
 As to Money, 'twas a Trifle ; he neither 
 regarded how it came, nor after it was 
 gone, how it went. 
 
 This philofophical Inattention, fome« 
 times put him to Inconveniencies, in re- 
 fped: to the Terms, Debtor and Creditor^ 
 aud often forc'd him to ruminate upon 
 hereafter Enjoyments, v;ithout breaking 
 his Fall. In that very Circumflance vvas 
 he, the next Day, on a Bench in the 
 Pcrk^ about Four o'Clock in the After- 
 noon ', an Hour when the very Rich, 
 and very Neceffitous, equally perambu- 
 late ; one becaufe they will not drink 
 their Bottle in the Afternoon; the others 
 becaufe they can't. 
 
 Down on the Bench by him fquatted 
 a young Fellow, in a lac'd fcanty Frock, 
 tight -folded at the Wrifts, a TafTel 
 dangling from his Hat, and in his Hand a 
 Stick as long as a Leaping- pole. He 
 yavvn\i, he llretch'd, then Hiding half off 
 the Sear, he ftruck his Pump Heels in- 
 U) the Gravel, at the fame time hiding 
 
 both
 
 TOM FOOL. 175 
 
 both his Hands ia his Nankeen PocketSy 
 and rattling his Money ; — thus he SoU- 
 loquiz'd, — humm'd, — yes, — humm'd,— 
 that's all. — Then feizing his Cane, which 
 Mufket-like had relied againft his Shoul- 
 der i he began to work it into the Earth, 
 as if he v/as a Mine-adventurer, and 
 thought proper there to begin boreing. 
 
 Turning his Eyes aflcance, he difcern'd 
 "junior^ then broad flaring at him, as 
 Ladies of Quality look at their Huf- 
 bands City Relations, to fee if the Crea- 
 tures are really worth talking to; — he ad- 
 drefs'd the Man of no Fortune, with,— 
 Do you know what Women are^ Sir ? 
 junior. 
 
 Women, Sir, in their Natures ab- 
 
 fa-ad-ed ? 
 
 Squire. 
 
 Curfe me, if they an*t diflradled, Sir^ 
 rii bet ten Pounds on't ; there's no more 
 Dependance upon them, than there ir» 
 upon, — I'll tell you what, Sir ? You may 
 talk of Feeders being Rogues, and 
 Jockies, and all that •, but there's more 
 ilonefly in one Whipper-in, than in all 
 the Strumpets in ten Farifhes. — I think 
 1 know a Thing, or two, — I think I do, 
 — only aflc Tomkyns after me ; and if he 
 fays Fm to be had, either by Man or 
 I 4 * Worn. an.
 
 X76 The History of 
 
 Woman, gi'me an Angel, and I'll give 
 you 500. — Yet I'm flung for all that. 
 Junior. 
 Sir, if it wou'd not feem impertinent, 
 to enquire into the Caufe of your Com- 
 plaint, as I have feen much of the 
 World— 
 
 Squire, 
 Seen, what fignifies what a Man has 
 feen -, I have feen enough of the World 
 myfelf, for that Matter.— Pray, Sir, have 
 you ever travel I'd ? 
 
 Junior. 
 Yes, Sir, I have been in moft Parts of 
 Europe. 
 
 Squire. 
 So have I, but I don't find myfelf a 
 bit the better for't.-*I wonder People 
 will fend their Children over-fea for 
 Education, and Manners, when they may 
 be qualified better by half at Plome. 
 Junior. 
 There are fine Academies Abroad, 
 Sir? 
 
 Squire. 
 So there may, Sir, but they don't know 
 hov/ to build a Dog-kennel : Tho' you 
 leem to be a very honed Fellow, Sir, 
 w-ill you go to the Fountain, and take a 
 Bird and a Bottle *, I hav'n't din'd yet, 
 
 and
 
 TOM FOOL. 177 
 
 and I can't fay I love Earing or Drink- 
 ing alone. 
 
 They adjourn'd to the Place appoint- 
 ed ', and after Dinner was over, tlms the 
 Squire went on — 
 
 You muft know Mr. Juniot^ ycu fay 
 your Name is JiiniGr^ Sir ? ^ \'. 
 
 Junior. 
 
 Yes, Sir. _ . ^ 
 
 Squire. '/ , \ , 
 
 Well then, you mufl kncvv'I'v/^s 
 born, — but what fig;nifies where a Man 
 was born, that's fo like the Sefiion's Pa- 
 per ; all that I fliall fay about it, is, they 
 v/ an ted me to learn Lalin and Greek -^ 
 and I knew I was to have 3000/. a Year, 
 and I wou'dn't, — I didn't want to be a 
 Parfon. — Well, my Mother wou'd have 
 me in the Army, and my Father wanted 
 to fend me to the Univerfity ; fo they 
 us'd to have a thoufand Words about it : 
 In the mean Time 1 went no where at 
 all, only a Snipe-lhooting. 
 
 However, at lalb, my Sifter's Wait- 
 ing-maid, (a very petty Girl fhe wa?,. 
 Faith,) recommended her Brother for a 
 Tutor, as honed a Fellow as e're col* 
 ieded a Reckoning. 
 
 We went to Paris, and was to have 
 gone to Ilaly and Rome. But in Frr^Jice 
 v;e mst feme honeft Bucks, fo we agreeci 
 
 I n to
 
 ijS The History of 
 
 to ftay where we was •, and myTutor and I 
 wrote Word Home, the Roads were all 
 -fall of Robbers, and that I cou'd finifh my 
 Exerrifes there. — Ay, and Exercife we 
 did*- fgr'if we went to Bed one Night 
 fober, air the feven Months we ftaid 
 tther(^'^^ — the Pope's a Prefbyteriaa. We 
 ciid drink damn'd hard to be fure. 
 Ttere. was ^P'ill Trail, that married his 
 Huntfman's Daughter ,; Tom Thackal- 
 ^z/;^,^,th,af bred Squirrels ; Ned Winter- 
 Jhriib, that kept Sa72dy Betty •, Logan, the 
 Tennis-player •, Jack Cub, that won the 
 Fox Hounds -, Me, and my Tutor. If 
 ever the French People faw fuch a Stt 
 before, — if ever they did, — why they 
 did, that's all i— but if ever they did,, 
 .my Name is not Singleten, Well, my 
 Father died whihl I was there. — I had 
 pitted him againil" Sir Thomas Blinkard's 
 Dad, old Single-peeper. — Then I be- 
 gan to know Life, and be quite the 
 Thing in it j fo I was oblig'd to keep a 
 Girl you know : So what did I do, but 
 get my Tutor's Sifter ; I have kept her 
 thefe two Years •, and this Morning fhe 
 has jilted me. She pack'd up her 
 Cioaths, and is gone to live honeft, as 
 fhe fays -, but ril not believe that. 
 Befides, if it was fo, what fignifies a 
 Woman's living honeft now-a- Days. 
 
 The
 
 TOMFOOL. 179 
 
 The Concern which Junior exprefs'd 
 for Squire Singleten^ Misfortunes, made 
 the Man of Kllate fwear they wou'dn'c 
 part that Night, and immediately went 
 down and order'd Supper. 
 
 Squire Singlet cn^ at bis Return, in- 
 troduc'd a Ladyj the Reader may, if 
 he pleafes, be immediately acquainted 
 with. 
 
 On her Entrance, fhe kindly enquir'd 
 where Junior had beftow'd himfeif for 
 fome Time paPc ; becaufe, as fhe very 
 iufbiy obferv'd, if he had been in Lcndo'r,y 
 (he mufl certainly have fccn him. 
 
 To prejudice the Squire farther in his 
 Favour,arid feemingjy to fatisfy herjhere- 
 latedjOr more properly put together, fome 
 Incidents, which he deliver'd as Fart of 
 his Adventures ; w^herein, according to 
 all the Taws of m.cdern Life-telung, 
 he began with robbing Orchards, per- 
 fonating Apparitions, mutinying againfl: 
 his Schoolmafters, and creeping to the 
 Maid-fervant's Bed. 
 
 Then being turn'd out of Doors ; 
 then how he jump'd into the Water, 
 and fav'd one Lady •, into the Fire, and 
 fav'd another : For Fire and Water are 
 rare Elements, and always at Hand, 
 either for defpairing Lovers, or defpair- 
 ing Fable-makers. 
 
 I. 6 Then
 
 1 oO The History of 
 
 Then oneof thofe Ladies fell in Love 
 with him, and took him away in her 
 own Coach and Six -, and then he grew 
 tired of her, and fhe grew jealous \ and 
 then he went Abroad, and fought two 
 Duels ; and then he came Home, and 
 box'd Buckhcrfe ; and then he went into 
 the Country, and then he faw by Chance, 
 in a thick Wood, jufl upon the Point of 
 being ravifh'd, a fine Lady, with a prodi- 
 gious Fortune, that Hv'd with alone Aunt, 
 in a lone Houfe, by a fmall Village ; 
 and how he with a Hedge-ftake knock 'd 
 the Rogues down •, and how he and the 
 Lady fell in Love together ; and then he 
 had a Friend -, and then his Friend was 
 falfe j and then the Lady was lock'd up ; 
 and then his hair-breadth Scapes from 
 Conftables, Pokers, Pocket - piftols, Ma- 
 fliff- dogs, Brafs - candlefticks. Garret- 
 windows, and Bum-bailey's. 
 
 57^^ CHAPTER ^/Descriptions. 
 
 HI S Narration was receiv'd with Ap- 
 plaufe, his Health drank. Cafe 
 pjtied, and a frefh Bottle calFd for ; 
 when with a litde Intreaty, Mifs M^/^y 
 
 tlie
 
 TOM FOOL. i8i 
 
 the Lady Mr. Singkten had introduc'd, 
 began her Hiftory : But as there is no- 
 thing either new, delicate, or inftrudt- 
 ing, in a Woman of the Tov/n's Life, 
 we fhall draw a Veil over this Part of our 
 Pidlure. 
 
 Day-light now glimmer'd thro' the 
 Shutters \ the drowfy Waiters enter'd 
 unrung for, yawning out, Gentlemen, 
 did you call : The expiring Candles rat- 
 tled in their Sockets, Uproar eccho'd 
 from the Streets, dire was the Din of 
 Porters and Herb-women, coming from 
 Hungerford \ and Haberdafhers of Fifh 
 tramping down to Billingfgate \ feeble 
 Watchmen now limp'd Home, be- 
 numm'd with fleeping as they fat ; and 
 fromNight-cellars, afcended(like defpair- 
 ing Sinners from their Graves) fodden, 
 wrinkled, ruff, and fhivering WriterSj 
 out of Pay, Strumpets out of Luck, and 
 Bucks out of their Senfes. 
 
 The Squire drew Junior afide, and 
 told him, he had a great Mind to take 
 Mifs Majk down to his Country Seat with 
 him ; hutjunior endeavour'd to diffuade 
 him, for that it wou'd be running a 
 great Hazard, in refpedl to Conflitu- 
 tion i and that he did not think it wou'd 
 be proper, for Reafons beft known to 
 himfelf J the principle one (but that he 
 
 did
 
 i82 The History of 
 
 did not tell the Squire) was, he intended 
 to have her for his own Woman. Imi- 
 tating in this, the caution-giving People 
 cf all Ages, who never bellow Council 
 without a vain, or felfifh Confideration. 
 For the Wife dole out Advice, as rich 
 Men give lac'd Liveries v not for the 
 Sake of the Wearer, but for their own 
 Advantage. 
 
 However, Mr. Singlet en was deter- 
 min'd ; and becavife Junior fhould have 
 no Reafon to complain, he was made the 
 Third of the Party •, and on the enfuing 
 Sunday they fet out for the Squire's Man- 
 fion-houfe. 
 
 As Sunday is the Day, that. Time out 
 of Mind, has been fet apart for Diver- 
 fion, I fhali here infert the following De- 
 fcriptions, which m.y fellow Cataflrophifts 
 rnay ufe ad Libitum. 
 
 This Day — the tender-back of the one 
 ey'd Hackney, is frefli gali'd by the un- 
 fitting Saddle, which the new-booted 
 Prentice, or Figure -dancer beftrides ; 
 upright and fliff as Turk impaled, — or 
 Knight of Ancientry in fteely Armour 
 clafp'd. 
 
 On this Shop-(hutter'd Morn, Ser- 
 vants (like Soldiers on the Eve of a Bat- 
 tle) make ready their Accoutrements, 
 Scoweri.ng, Scrubbing, Rubbing, Brufh- 
 
 ins 
 
 o'
 
 TOM FOOL. 183 
 
 ing, Wafhing, Scraping, Smoothing, 
 and Japanning. 
 
 On this Day at Noon, the fine Folks 
 of Red-crofs-Jlreet^ and London-wall^ take 
 the Field in St, James's Park^ and drive 
 the other fine Folks to more remote Re- 
 treats. Thus when the Pkbian Pellet, 
 enters the Bottom of the • Pot-gun, off 
 with a Bounce, the upper or paitrician 
 Pellet flies, and at a Di [lance takes the 
 Air. 
 
 On this Day, — but we have had Day 
 enough ; it was Night before the Gen- 
 tlemen and Mifs Majk reach'd Mr. 
 Singlet en'^ Seat i where they were agree-- 
 ably furpriz'd with the News, that next 
 "Week the Races began. 
 
 ne CHAPTER of the Horse- 
 Race. 
 
 ON the firft Race Morning, Mn 
 Singkten and Junior made their 
 Appearance in Tafte. They peep'd into 
 the Penns, walk'd afide with the Feeders, 
 took a turn Arm in Arm with the Ri- 
 ders, (hook Hands with the knowing 
 Ones, produc'd Helper's Half-fheer, 
 
 fqueez'd
 
 184 The History of 
 fqueez'd into theBilliard- room, clambered 
 into the Cockpit, proposed all Sorts of 
 Betts, to difplay their arithmetical Ta- 
 lents ; but took none, to (hew they were 
 in the Secret. — Word then v/as given for 
 Dinner. 
 
 After the Cloth was dragg'd off, and 
 two Toaft-mafters appointed *, thus the 
 Converfation open'd. 
 
 Junior, 
 What's the moil Odds, Stamford don't 
 win To-morrow ? 
 
 Mr. Hedge, 
 Fenwick^^ Paftern^ is either firfl, or 
 fecond, at Malt on ^ for Fifty. 
 Sir Thomas Main. 
 That's the Bay Colt that run againft 
 the Hambleton Filly : He's as flow as a 
 Town-top J he was all Abroad the firft 
 Mile Gallopping. Tom Jackfon told me, 
 he had him at all he cou'd do at Wake- 
 field^ and had like to have run him to a 
 Stand fiill. 
 
 Hedge. 
 Why then he Wins, and nothing elfe, 
 for Twenty. 
 
 Omnium gatherum. 
 Done to you. — Done to you. — Done 
 to you. 
 
 Young Blcod. 
 D— ipe I'm almoft Ilunn'd.— What's 
 
 the
 
 TOM FOOL. 185 
 
 the mofl Odds, I don't chuck this De- 
 canter upon that Beggar-woman there, 
 with the Child in her Arms. 
 Squire Shtgleten, 
 
 Come, you don't hit her Plead for 
 five Pounds, and I fay done firll. 
 Sir Thomas, 
 
 Here's the King of PruffwJs Health ; 
 and I'll hold a 100/. he wins the long 
 Main. 
 
 Bleed. 
 
 And I'll hold p,o more, that, that, 
 
 French Son of Bitch Monfere —what's 
 
 his Name, — don't beat our Admiral. 
 Squire Singh ten, 
 
 I only wifh we were to fhow one and 
 thirty Cocks, or ride a Sweepftake Match 
 with the French Thieves, for the IVCjU 
 
 Indies^ I'd go 5000 myfelf. 
 
 Junior. 
 
 Heads and Tails my Ordinary, and 
 
 Extraordinary. Then the Converfa- 
 
 tion grew too confus'd to be taken down \ 
 bawling for Change, ordering out the 
 Horfes, and calling to pay, all at once : 
 
 Money rattling in the Plates, Chairs 
 
 tumbhng on the Floors, Mufick playing 
 on the Stairs, Footmen finging in the 
 Tap-room, Lifts crying at the Window, 
 Oftler's quarrelling, Poftillions ihout- 
 ing, Glafles falling, empty Bottles rowl-
 
 h26 The History of< 
 
 ing, different Bells jangling, Landlady 
 fcreaming, the Innkeeper fwearing, the 
 Waiters ecchoing •, that without having 
 Recourfe to Metaphor, we might fay, 
 the Air was really wounded. 
 
 When the Week's Diverfion was over, 
 the Squire, Mifs, and Junior^ return'd to 
 theManfion-houie ♦, where, according to 
 all modern Fra6lice, Jack intrigued with 
 the Lady, in Manner and Form here- 
 after to be mentioned. 
 
 C II A P. 
 
 TO thofe amorous Cliniadlerics, 
 whofe Inclinations, fpite of Impo- 
 tency, hurry them hobbling thro' the 
 Fark at Twilight, in quefl of unfledg'd 
 
 Game. To Women, once upon the 
 
 Town, now fince cured, on inferior Pen- 
 fions •, — or elfe, as Bum-bailies Wives, 
 v/addling about the Spunging - houfe 
 Kitchen. And laftly, to thofe abortive 
 Beings, calPd old Maids, foured by Dif- 
 dain, as Wine too long kept on the Lees 
 will turn to Vinegar \ the following De- 
 fcription and Delineation is addrefs'd. 
 
 Soon
 
 TOM FOOL. 
 
 Soon after their Return, the Squir 
 refolving to ride out alone one Afternoon, 
 begg'd Junior wou'd keep Mifs Com- 
 pany. Junior went in Search of the 
 Lady. He found her in the little Par- 
 lour, where they had din'd \ fhe was 
 fallen afleep, her Chair-back leaning 
 againft the Wainfcot -, a fcarlet Glow 
 bloomed on her Cheeks, her uncover'd 
 Breaft, half fhown Legs •, — Junior gaz'd 
 a Moment, and then Ibftly approaching 
 her, — ftole a Kifs, — too eager in the Re- 
 petition,— down fell the nice drefs'd I^a- 
 dy from the QX^^w.-^-Jumor began to 
 make an Apology, — but fne turn'd it off 
 with a Laugh, calling him curfed romp- 
 ing Devil, fprung to the Glafs, fettling 
 her Cap, and enquir'd after her Squire. 
 
 As foon as fhe heard he was rode our, 
 fhe very brifkly challenged Jack Junior 
 to follow her, and up Stairs fhe flew, 
 fwift as Atalanta^ no golden Pipins 
 cou'd flop her. 
 
 Juft at the Landing-place Junior 
 caught her, and then attempted to open 
 the firft Chamber -, 'twas lock'd -, Mifs 
 Mafi then whilk'd into the next, and 
 Ringing open the Feet Curtains — difco- 
 ver'd ! — beheld, and faw ! — Arm link'd 
 in Arm! — her own Squire! — the indi- 
 vidual
 
 iBS The History of 
 
 vidual Mr. Singkten^ afleep with the 
 Dairy-maid. 
 
 As when the Unfortunate at Hazard 
 fees his lall worldly Stake nick'd ^ — -fi- 
 lent and fcupify'd he fits a Moment ; — 
 then dafhes down the Box, knocks the 
 Candles out, kicks the Waiters, bites 
 his Knuckles, gnaws his Hat, runs ra- 
 ving to Somerfet-ftairSi takes Boat, and 
 under the Center-arch of fVeftminfier- 
 Bridge^ ends his Cares by Anabap- 
 tifm. 
 
 Thus vi^as Ma's M^fi agitated •, llie 
 feiz'd the Girl by the Pleels, dragg'd her 
 down fowze on the Floor, Head- fore- 
 moil •, — flew at the Squire, tore, kick'd, 
 curfed, bit, and it was vvith great Diiti- 
 culty, fhe was prevented from tearing 
 either the Girl, or the Squire, or herfelf 
 to Pieces. 
 
 But after a Shower of Tears, half an 
 Ounce of Hartfliorn, and two Bank Bills 
 that were thruft down her Bofom, by 
 Way of Stiptic, fiie came to herfelf, 
 the Squire was forgiven, the Maid dif- 
 charg'd, a Journey to Bath concluded on, 
 in which it was agreed to frank Jack 
 Junior. iVccordingly they fet out the 
 next Day to that univerfal Receptacle of 
 the Rich, the Wretched, the Gay, the 
 
 RidiculouSa
 
 TOM FOOL. 1S9 
 
 Ridiculous, the Sick, the DifTatisfied, 
 &c. i^c. &c. Thus Fellow-crafts, wou'd 
 I have you begin your Proema^ when you 
 haveOccafion to mention this fo celebra- 
 ted a City. 
 
 You may alfo very wittily make Alki- 
 fions from the Mind to the Body, and 
 let forth how far the Diftempers of both 
 are analogous in the Company that 
 crowd there, viz. 
 
 Ladies who won't allow their Limbs 
 proper Exercife, and can't walk, 'caufc 
 'tis vulgar ^ Rheumaticks. 
 
 Bloods and Bucks, who drink for 
 Fame •, compound Fradures in the Cra- 
 nium •, old Men that keep — incurable 
 fcandal Club — Jaundic'd. 
 
 Married Folks who love all the World, 
 but one another— Lunatics. 
 
 Thus we may go on, for forty or fifty 
 Pages together ; but it's not proper for 
 me, becaufe I am compiling a Hiftory 
 of Bath ; yet not as to it's Antiquity, 
 but its modern State. Not a phyfical 
 Account of its Springs, but a Narration 
 of the Effects that have fprung from 
 them. 
 
 ne
 
 190 The History o 
 
 'Ibe CHAFT E R of Party Riots, 
 
 WO U'D it not be injudicious, oh 
 Reader, if three fuch Particula- 
 rities as the Squire, Mifs Alajk, and Jack 
 Junior^ were to be hurried to Bath^ 
 without meeting fomething extraordinary 
 in their Journey. 
 
 Something extraordinary they did 
 meet with ; what it was, impartially fhali 
 be related. 
 
 As they were amufing themfelves out 
 of the Inn Window, before Dinner, by 
 making ibme Alms-women fcramble 
 for Half-pence, a Drummer (attended 
 by a Mob, all lilce Bees fwarming to the 
 Sound) came by, drefs'd partly in the 
 Harlequin Manner ; who, after bowing 
 to the Window, where the good Com- 
 pany fat, bawled out. 
 
 " By an artificial Company of Come- 
 dians, at the Thatch'' d Theatre^ vul- 
 garly caird the Old Barn, next Door 
 to the Hog in Armour-, this prefenc 
 Evening Vv'ill be perform'd, the De- 
 luge cf the World', with the comical 
 and diverting Humours cf Punch and 
 his Wife Joan, in NcaF?> Ark -, alfo 
 the notified Hare from Ccnjlanttnople^ 
 
 " the
 
 TOM FOOL. 191 
 
 *« the timberfom Admiral in the whole 
 "*' World, yet beats a Drum, to the 
 " Satisfa6lion of all the Nobility and 
 *^ Gentry." 
 
 The Landlord inform*d their Honours, 
 they might fee high Fun, if they pleas'd, 
 for there was to be a Riot at the Show 
 that Night. 
 
 Mifs Majk eagerly cry'd out, ^hen 
 '•VjiUftay : Lei me dye if I don't doat upon a 
 theatrical Riot ^ don't )ou^ Jack Junior. 
 Junior. 
 
 Yes, I like them in London well 
 enough. 
 
 Landlord, 
 
 Nay, for that Matter, feveral People 
 who are Judges, fay, that Things are 
 done as well here, in the Way of Ading, 
 or Rioting either, as in London 5 for 
 all it is but a Puppet-fhow. For thefe 
 v/ooden Players have fomebody to fpeak 
 for thsm, and the live AcSors have 
 fomebody to write for them, and fo it's 
 all a Cafe your Honours know. 
 Singleten. 
 
 Pray Landlord tell us what this Riot's 
 to be about ; we'll lend them a Hand, only 
 tell us of which Side we fhall be, for that 
 is our way in London ; our Toail-mafier 
 tells us our Side, and then we fall a Riot- 
 ing accordingly? 
 
 Mtfs.
 
 192 The History of 
 
 Mifs. 
 
 Lord what jBgnifies minding Sides, if 
 there is but a Riot. 
 
 Singkten. 
 
 Nay Sall^ you muft pardon me in 
 that ; for tho' I may fay without Vanity, 
 I have been as much concern'd in kick- 
 ing up Riots as any Man in England^ 
 that's a Gentleman -, yet, upon my Ho- 
 nour, 1 never made a Noife but 'twas in 
 Taile. For you mull know Landlord, 
 to be in Tafte, or not to be in Tafte, 
 that's the Queftion. — It's our Party's 
 Maxim, or Motto, as I may fay •, yet 
 the Thing has been fo near before now, 
 that we have been forc'd fometimes to 
 tofs up Heads or Tails, whether we 
 fhou'd, or Ihou'dnotmake aDull. 
 Landlord, 
 
 Ay, Sir, your Honour's a Gentleman 
 of Wit to be fure : you muft know. Sir, 
 the Cafe is this ; John Audley^ who is 
 Mafter of this Company, agreed v/ith a 
 Carpenter here, for a Set of new Heads 
 for his Adlors, all but for King Fepin \ 
 now. Sir, wx all love K\ng Pepm in the 
 Pariili, for he is a Town-born Child, as 
 one may fay. He was made out of a 
 Beach Tree, that grew at my DDor, Sir ; 
 fo we are going to Night to infilt upon 
 
 King
 
 TOMFOOL. 193 
 
 King Pepin s coming on, Head or no 
 Head. 
 
 Mfs. 
 
 Dear Squire, let's have him on Vvith- 
 out his Head ; I dye to fee your Actors 
 in London, when they have no Heads. 
 Landlady. 
 
 And then, and pleafe your Honour, 
 Madam, there's the Blackamoor Lady, 
 he won't give her a new Pair of Cafta- 
 nets, fo file an't to dance this Seafon. 
 Mifs. ' 
 
 But fhe fliall tho', and play too, that 
 
 I infift on. She imm.ediately order'd 
 
 the Squire's Man to run to the B^rn, to 
 befpeak Fair Rofamond, for the Blacka- 
 moor Lady to appear in that Charadler^ 
 and took Tickets accordingly. 
 
 The Houfe fiil'd very fail, and the 
 Audience fhouted for YJm^ Pepin -, the 
 Mafter fhow'd the Court in Wax-work. 
 No, no, King Pepin, — He fent on th^ 
 little jolly Sailor ; no. King Pepin.- At 
 lad down fiounc'd Punch, the Favourite 
 of every Audience •, and after he had 
 fqueak'd two or three Notes, by way of 
 putting his oratorial Pipes in Tune, he. 
 begg'd Pardon for his Boldnefs \ but told 
 them, Tho'' they ijuere Gentlemen and La- 
 dies, they ought to he aJJoara^d of themfel-ves, 
 to behavs as had at a Country Piippct- 
 K Jlwiv,
 
 194 The History of 
 
 jhow^ as if they were in a London Flay- 
 houfe \ for a Puppet-Jhow is the Original 
 cf all Shows. 
 
 Pray where was the firft Fantomine 
 a5ied^ but in a Puppet-fljow ? — And here^ 
 you Mr, Pickle Herring, — -frjow your 
 Shapes^ and make a Bow. — This Man^s 
 greats great Grandfather^ was the Jirft 
 Harlequin. 
 
 Was it not from me^ that all your fo- 
 reign comic Dancers got their Attitudes ; 
 and is there not more Senfe in one Piippet- 
 Jhow^i than twenty Italian Operas. 
 
 Very true indeed, Mr. Punchy reply'd 
 a Voice out of the Pit, and inftantly 
 uprofe an aldermanic Figure, tottering ; 
 and clanaber'd upon one of the Benches, 
 which were only Bits of Deals, laid on 
 old Chairs, and empty Butter-firkins. 
 
 He bow'd his bufhy Bob \ cough'd, 
 fpit, and began •, " Ladies, and Gentle- 
 *' men, I v/ou'd not offer to fpeak before 
 " fo feledt a Company as this, had I not 
 *' been honour'd in London., with At- 
 *' tention -, not only at the Robin Hood., 
 " but Mr. Macklinh that was \ but alfo 
 *' at feveral Club-meetings, where the 
 '' Good of my Country nas been more 
 " immediately concerned. 
 
 *' Therefore I beg Leave to fecond 
 *' Mr. Punch \ — and with him, I fay, 
 
 ♦' it's
 
 TOM FOOL. los 
 
 ^' it's a Shame you fliou'd behave as b:id 
 *' here, as in Town. — You are all here 
 *' up in Arms, — about Heads, or no 
 " Heads •, — juft fo it is in Londcn. But 
 ** I think it's a Shame the Govem- 
 ^' ment fliou'd make fo many Enquiries 
 '^ about how People behave Abroad, 
 " and never examine their manner of 
 '' A6ting at Home. 
 
 " As for me, Gentlemen, I am a 
 " Taylor, and I have bred up my Son to 
 " myown Bufmefs i for I am not one of 
 " thofe Fathers, who woud'n't have their 
 " Children take after their Parents Mea- 
 " fures. No, my Son is a Taylor, and 
 " I hope his Son's Sons will be the 
 " fame, that tl\e Trade may be pre- 
 " ferv'd by a Rem.nant of our Family, 
 " But the Cafe is this : My Son has 
 " work'd Night and Day to finifh a 
 " Suit (for a great, what do you call 
 " um, A(5tor) expedling to get much 
 " Reputation •, the Cloarhs being to be 
 " looked at by fo many People, in the 
 " Boxes and Pit; for to be well drefs'd 
 '' is half the Battle, and the Audience 
 " will naturally afk, who made that 
 " Suit? — But all on a fudden, Mr. 
 " what's his Name won't play, and fo 
 " the Town's difappointed of feeing a 
 *' fine Drefs. 
 
 K 2 '' But
 
 196 The History of 
 
 " But as the Miniilry has guarded 
 " againil unlawful Combinations, or 
 *' refufing to work, among People of 
 " our Buiinefs ; why may not Players 
 " be laid under the fame Law P Sure the 
 " Parliament have as much Right to cut 
 " out for the Theatre, as the Shop- 
 '' board. 
 
 " If this v/as fettled in London, it 
 " wou'd foon become a FaDiion in the 
 ^' Country -, and as Mr, Punch obferves, 
 *' fince the Theatres have copied feveral 
 " of their Entertainments from his 
 " Puppet-fhov/, it won't be any Difgrace 
 " to Mr. Punch; to take one Fafhioii 
 *' from the Play-houfe." 
 
 Mifs Idcijk^ tired with his Harangue,, 
 that Inftant hit him in the Forehead 
 v/ith half an Orange i the Fright made 
 him reel, and not being folidly fup- 
 ported, he fell down en a London Rider's 
 Head, w^ho had lean'd forwards to fa- 
 lute a young Woman on the Bench be- 
 fore him. 
 
 The Gallant's Face came flat againfl 
 the Girl's Stomach ; down fhe foW be- 
 tween the Seats, almofl breathlefs, un- 
 derneath Mr. I'wijl the Orator. 
 
 Her fellow Sufferer rofe up all Fury, 
 his Nofe bloody, and bruis'd, and be- 
 gan to exercife his Horfevvhip very 
 
 fmartiv
 
 TOM FOOL. 197 
 
 fmardy on the Taylor's Back and Sides, 
 as that poor Man lay ftretch'd out, upon 
 the Female he had tumbled down -, fhe, 
 at the fame Time, biting, fcratching, 
 and thrctling him. 
 
 Thus it is recorded, the Tunny and 
 Sword-ftfh attack the Whale. 
 
 Mifs /V/^/^ had heard there were half 
 a Score Recruits drinking at the next 
 Door; to them fhe f^nt five ShilHngs, 
 and Inflructions for their Behaviour ^ 
 and jufl as the People began to call again 
 for King Pej)i?:^ thefe young Soldiers run 
 upon the Stage j crying out, King 
 Gecrge for ever, and no Jacchites^ nor 
 King Pepin's n^clthtr. 
 
 This affronted the Pit People, and 
 they began to pelt the military Folks. 
 
 The Recruits, net having any Wea- 
 pons, feiz'd the Puppets, and volley'd 
 them among the Audience. 
 
 The Emperor of Morocco gave Mr. 
 Alderman a black Eye •, his Lady caught 
 the London Prentice in her Arms, and 
 Mifs Majk run away with the Pair of 
 Lions ; an elderly Gentleman had his 
 Lip cut by Sufannah •, and the Devil fet- 
 tled round an Attorney's Neck ; Punch 
 knock'd down the Publican j Whit ting- 
 ton's Cat hung on his Worihip's Wig ; 
 St. George and the Dragon flew into the 
 K 2 Three-
 
 198 The History of 
 
 Three-penny Seats, and the Boys and 
 Girls pull'd them to Pieces ; the Mana- 
 ger ftepp'd in, to prevent his Company's 
 Ruin, but head-wanting King Pepin laid 
 him fprawling ; the Conftable was call'd, 
 but Captain Mackheath met him at the 
 Door, and fent him fouze back into the 
 Street again \ and to make all fure, a 
 Welchman lifted for a Grenadier-, boney, 
 tall, choleric, and in Liquor, feiz'd 
 Alexander the Great by the Leg -, and 
 Job/on the Cobler by the Arm, and 
 whirling them 'round his Llead, cleared 
 the Houfe immediately. 
 
 Mr. Singleten very generoully paid all 
 Damages, and Junior and he returned to 
 their Inn full of Spirits, with the high 
 Fun they had had. 
 
 Mr. Singleten^ Lady had been at Home 
 for fome Time, with the Showman's 
 Merry Andrew, whom fhe took with 
 her to the Inn for a Safeguard, and in- 
 fifted he fhou'd ftay with her till the 
 Gentlemen return'd, leaft any rude Fel- 
 low ihould infult her. 
 
 1'h
 
 TOM FOOL. 199 
 
 "The CHAPTER ^/Intrigue. 
 
 AS foon as Mifs Majk arriv*d at 
 Bath^ fhe examined her Land- 
 lady about the reft of the Lodgers ; — 
 who reply'd, — " That altho' her Houfe 
 " ftood as well as any on the Parade, 
 " yet, except hqrLadyfhip, and her La- 
 *' dyfhip's Honour, and the Gentleman, 
 " his Honour's Friend, flie had as yet no 
 " body but Mr. IfraeU a Butch Jcj) 
 •* Gentleman ; he was a vaitly good 
 " Lodger to be fure, for he had a Power 
 *' of Guineas, and did not grudge 
 
 *' them \ not but I don't believe, 
 
 *' Madam, his Money does one fo much 
 "good as a Chriftian's." 
 
 The Squire's Lady, to whom all Re- 
 ligions were alike, fet him down, and 
 feal'd him for her own, — but it v/as 
 almoft too late \ — all his Corn, Wine, 
 arnd Oil, was confign'd to the celebrated 
 Battlda. 
 
 Batilda^ and Matilda^ were Daugh- 
 ters to Mr. Engrofs^ the Money Scrive- 
 ner, who left each of them a thoufand 
 Pounds, which was improv'd in the 
 News Papers, by their paying for the 
 Paragraph, into twenty Thoufand. Af- 
 K 4 ter
 
 200 The History of 
 ter jais Deceafe, they liv'd for a Twelve- 
 month, equal in Appearance to what 
 they were reported to be, butv/hen they 
 had exhaufeci half their Cafli, in this 
 
 Huiband -hunting Scheme, Batilda^ 
 
 whofe Confbitution was the moft fan- 
 guine, furrender'datDifcretion, to a very 
 handlbme Settlement, made her by a 
 Dutch Merchant. 
 
 Matilda, whofe Views were of a more 
 noble Kind, and who expeded to have 
 gain'd a Coronet by Wedlock, was un^ 
 luckily deceiv'd, by a Journeyman Hair- 
 cutter. The Shock had lo n^uch im- 
 pair'd her Health, ihat it induced her 
 Siller to undertake a Journey to Bath in 
 Hopes to reftore her. 
 
 Matilda's Figure was majeflic, her 
 Kyes black, large, and fenfibly fpark- 
 ling ; and on her Cheeks, the Rofy 
 Goddefs of Health fat blufhing ; the 
 Hiegance of her Appearance animated 
 Mr. IjraeU and from beneath a Pair of 
 long, dark, briftly Eyelafhes, Rhino- 
 ceros like, he fidelong gloted at her, 
 d-tfplaying, at the fame time, on his lit- 
 tle Finger, a large Brilliant of the firil 
 Water. The Diamond's Luftre play'd 
 in her Viev/, fhe wilh'd to be Miilrefs 
 of it ; refieding how fine it wou'd look, 
 pendent on her Neck, at the Bottom of a 
 
 3olU
 
 T O M F O O L. 201 
 
 SoIItair ; fhe knew clKo there was no 
 Time to be triRed away, as (lie expedied 
 her Merchant down in a Week ; and as 
 at Bath fuch Things are common, Be'/t 
 Ijrael vifited her that Afternoon. 
 
 She fiit to receive him, in a conveni- 
 ent Difhabille \ a Drefs, that is fa 
 
 often, and fo elaborately defcribed by 
 feveral Pen- women, when they talk of 
 Chintz Wrappers, and Love-accomoda- 
 tings Settees. — Not that Batlida admired 
 
 Mr. Ifrael: No, fl:ie detefted the 
 
 W^retch ; but when the Fair, the expe- 
 rienc'd Fair, wou'd raife the Lover's 
 Wiihes up to their Price, they always 
 make ufe of luitable Decorations. 
 
 Up-ftairs fiamp'd the impatient If- 
 raelite^ and ungracefully enter'd the 
 Room •, ('and, as you may have feen in 
 Family Portraits, the Damfel in flowing 
 Ringlets, and loofely folded Drapery) 
 Batiida received him -, her Elbow reding 
 /on a Card Table, and her right Hand 
 twirling a Tetotum. 
 
 With a becoming Surprize ^\it begg'd 
 he wou'd be feated \ but, in an Excefs 
 of Gallantry, he threw himfelf at her 
 Feet, feiz'd her Hand, and, Tartar llkci 
 feem'd to devour it : Then eagerly in 
 trxtacy attempting her Lips, as the 
 Bread of his Coat and W^iiko-U w,as 
 K 5 ■ loaded
 
 202 The History of 
 
 loaded with Snuff, the pungent Grains 
 fell on her Face, and threw her into a 
 violent Fit of Coughing. She foon re- 
 covered, and rung the Bell for the Tea 
 Things : After which, Mr. Ben Ifrael^ 
 in broken Englijh^ uncorking his Mouth, 
 thus pour'd forth. 
 
 Madam, I ave not Fords enuff to tell 
 to you ow mulli I am your Zerfant, by 
 myne Zole. 
 
 Battlda bov;ed, gracefully arching her 
 delicate Neck (and proved by that Mo- 
 tion Mr. HogartF^ Line of Beauty) fay- 
 ing, I once. Sir, flatter'd myfelf, no 
 Man v/ou'd have dar'd to attempt the 
 Liberty I have (1 don't know how) fuf- 
 fered you to take — but there's no ac- 
 counting for IncHnation-— — Defpife me 
 not, I beg of you. Sir, if I confefs, 
 when I law you firft on the Parade, that 
 there was fomething about you preju- 
 diced me very much in your Favour. 
 I am confcious, I hope fo at lead, that 
 you are a Man of Honour, and believe 
 you will do every Thing becoming that 
 Chara(5ler to deferv£ a L*ady. 
 
 Mine Zo-o-o-le ' ftammer'd out the 
 much agitated Hebrew — Command my 
 Life, what Zall I do — tell to me, 'tis 
 you can make me happy, Gloriofo. If 
 'us in my Power you ihall be fo too. 
 
 Oh!
 
 TOM FOOL. 203 
 
 Ohl Oh!— Thus all Men fay, re- 
 ply'd the well-acfting Batilda ; but when 
 PolTeirion has once enfured the Prize, 
 what then becomes of the Ladyj for 
 what is the infubftantial Security of a 
 Man's Promife, made (like fome GlafTes 
 ufed by Chy mills) on Purpofe to be broke. 
 IfraeL 
 
 If Money ^ Madawn^ can make you appy. 
 Batilda. 
 
 No, Sir, that Idefpife-, let thole 
 Wretches that fell themielves for pitiful 
 Wealth worihip it. I deteft all Mercena- 
 ry Imaginations*, Pleafure is my Wi(h, 
 and to pleaie myfelf, all my Occupati- 
 on. If I cou'd (and I hope I fhall) 
 
 once wean my felt from Cards, I cou'd 
 juftly lay my Hand at my Heart, and 
 fay, I have nothing now to dillurb me. 
 You mufh know, Sir, I was married 
 very young, to Lord Sellwocd's eldelt 
 Son •, I expedled, at leail out of Grati- 
 tude, he wou'd behave to me with the 
 Complaifance to my Sex ^ but the Nar- 
 rownefs of his Heart, made him endea- 
 vour to reftrain me in what, by Mar- 
 riage Articles, I am authoriz'd to receive. 
 By the Advice of my Friends, I left 
 him •, and, in Revenge, he has thrown 
 my Jointer into Chancery, and every 
 50 1. I mull be accountable to my Sol- 
 K 6 licitor
 
 204 The History or 
 
 licitor for ; and then ray doating on 
 Qi.]adrille — ^and fuch Luck — wou'd you 
 believe it, Sir, but Jaft Night, I loft two 
 fans Prendres in kfs than a Hour — I 
 don't fay this, to iliow that lofing makes 
 medifcontented j Tmvapour'd a Moment 
 —no more— but here's my Phyfician ;— 
 upon which, (he touch'd her Harpficord, 
 and fung, by dim-pled Brock^ &c. 
 
 After ilie had ended her Song, and 
 Mr. Ben Ifrael had recover'd himfelf, 
 from his rapturous Aftonifhment, he 
 llarted up, begg'd her Pardon for a Mo- 
 ment, and prefencly return'd ; laying 
 upon th'^ Table two Bank Bills of ^ 
 lool. each, with which he infifted flie 
 fnou'd defray her Play Expences \ which, 
 at firft, (he utterly refufed ; but, on his 
 fwearing bitterly, they fhou'd be tore 
 into ten thoufand Pieces, before her 
 Face, if fhe did not, Hie was compell'd 
 to fuffer him to force her, to lock them 
 up in her Bureau. After fo unexampled 
 a Piece of Generofity, fhe admitted him 
 to the Freedom of a Salute \ and even 
 bore it without Coughing. 
 
 What elfe happened at this Interview 
 is not to be known •, for the two next 
 Pages have had Ink throv/n, or fpilt over 
 them \ fo there is not a Sentence in them 
 legible, only at the Bottom of the laft 
 
 Leaf„
 
 t O M F O O L. 205 
 
 Leaf, the words Ben Ifrael are to be 
 Blade out. 
 
 <rbe CHAPTER Platonic. 
 
 The following Page begins with — 
 
 IT was late that Evening before he 
 took his Leave of Batilda ; who then 
 returned to her Bureau, to confine the 
 valuable Brilliant, in the fame Cuftody, 
 where the two Bank Bills, three or four 
 Hours ago, had been depofited. 
 
 Thus was the eldefb Sifter engaged 
 on Junior^ arrival. The youngeft Sifter 
 Matilda had juft then made an extra- 
 ordinary Conqueft. Her Figure, tho' 
 fmall, was of perfed: Symmetry. White 
 as the Daify was her Skin, blue as the 
 Violet her Eyes, a fettled Languifh 
 was fpread on her Face, which awaken'd 
 the tendereft Senfations in her Admirers. 
 
 The Delicacy of her Form, and her 
 languid Air, made an indelible Im- 
 preffion on the foft, the Feminine-like 
 Figure of Sir Paily 'Tinfy^ from the 
 JVeJi Indies ^ he look'd like his Sugar 
 Canes, tall, thin, ihining, and fallow. 
 
 Suck
 
 2o6 The History of 
 
 Such a Parity in Complexion begat a 
 Sympathy, a — or a Defire — or a — they 
 wifh'd to be acquainted, and luckily 
 meeting at a Milliner's, an Appoint- 
 ment was made, and they drank Tea 
 in Mrs. * * ^ firft Floor. 
 
 Sir Paily^ at that Interview, difco- 
 ver'd the mod pure, the mod perfed, 
 and mofi; innocent PafTion : He play'd 
 with her Locks, as they curl'd in her 
 Neck ; combed them out twenty Times, 
 faluted the Tips of her Fingers, knelt 
 down, and adored her Feet •, and made 
 her a Prefent of a new Receipt to make 
 cold Cream. 
 
 Matilda was overjoy'd at fo tender, 
 fo delicate a Lover •, and inftantly made 
 him her Platonic : He too was in Rap- 
 tures, to find a Lady, who, like him, de- 
 fpis'd the rude Concatenation of coarfe 
 mafculine Embraces. 
 
 As Sir Paily took his Leave, he pre- 
 fented her with an extreme neat Pair of 
 Tablets ; out of which, as fhe opened 
 them, dropp'd a Paper. She fnatch'd 
 it up, expeding to fee, on the Top, 
 upon Sight ; — or^ I promife to pay, but 
 when ilie read an Addrefs to the too 
 lovely Matilda^ on her drinking the 
 Waters, fhe fmiled, bit her Lip, folded 
 the Poetry up, like a Thread-paper *, 
 
 and.
 
 TOM FOOL. 207 
 
 and, without examining the Merit of 
 the Verfes, tofs'd them into the Fire y 
 caird for a Chair, and at her Sifter's 
 Ihe met Junior^ who was come to pay 
 Batilda his firltVifit. 
 
 Junior had been long acquainted with 
 the Sifter Heroins. And after Matilda 
 had related the Reception (he met with 
 from Sir ^infy^ they laid a Scheme a- 
 gainft the Knight (juft for a Laugh) 
 which they put in Pradice next Day. 
 
 Sir Faily^ according to Appointment, 
 
 was feated on a Couch, with Matilda \ 
 
 and had juft unfolded his ftrong-fcented 
 
 Cambric Handkerchief j which he put 
 
 round the Lady's Neck, fearing, as he 
 
 obferved to her, fhe might catch Cold, 
 
 fince he faw fhe had only a Sattin 
 
 Wrapper on •, and the Wind was fo 
 
 high, out of Doors, it might blow in, 
 
 through the Crevices of the Saftie-s, 
 
 upon the Pit of her Stomach. Juft: 
 
 then Batilda came running up Stairs, 
 
 out of Breath \ and, opening the Door, 
 
 cry'd out aftrighed. Oh, Matty^ Matty^ 
 
 we are ruined, here's my Brother. — That 
 
 very Moment in rufh'd 'Junior^ with 
 
 his drawn Sword, and down with a Shriek 
 
 funk Matilda. 
 
 Sir Paily dropp'd as inftantaneoufly ; 
 the fudden Blaze of the Sword Blade 
 
 fright-.
 
 2oS The History of 
 
 frightened him into a real Fit, and he 
 fainted on the Floor ; as a Lilly bows 
 his Head to the Earth, puffed down by 
 a Guft of Wind. 
 
 Junior hurried away Matilda ; but it 
 was above an Hour before the other 
 Sifter cou'd bring the Baronet to him- 
 felf, or perfuade him he was not hurt : 
 He begg'd to be convey'd Home with. 
 Safety \ and that Batilda wou'd efcort 
 him. His Fright was fo great, he ne- 
 ver once enquired after Matilda, till he 
 was fafe in his own Bed.- 
 
 Then Batilda told him, their Brother 
 was a Sea Officer, of a very revengeful 
 Difpofition -, and exaggerated, or indeed 
 invented fuch Stories of his Behaviour, 
 that Sir Paily, to make Friends with 
 Matilda*^ Family, and perferve his own 
 Life, executed a Deed of Gift, whereirk 
 he made his ^^'hol^ Tor kjhire Eft-ate, \tft 
 him by his elder Brother, chargeable 
 with an Annuity of 200 1. per Annum to 
 Mifs Matilda •, -and made her Sifter a 
 Prefent of a 6ne Service of Plate -, and 
 was then convey'd out of Town, in a 
 Horfe Litter. 
 
 ne
 
 TOM FOOL. 2ro9 
 
 T'bc CHAPTER^/ Dissimulation'. 
 
 DU R I N G the Performance of this 
 Farce, Mr. Singleten and Mifs 
 were employ'd in the ufual Avocations 
 of Bath. They had been every where, 
 and feen every Body, and done every 
 Thing, that every Body does there. And 
 now Mifs Majk thought it was Time for 
 her to begin the Intrigue with th-e Jcj:^ 
 Gentleman ; to compleat which, Jack 
 Junior was to afiiil her. 
 
 Junior's Regard for the two Sifters 
 was fiiperior to any he had for Mifs 
 Mq/k i therefore he refolv'd Bail Ida 
 fhould not be fupplanted in her Lover ; 
 and yet being determined to punifh Mr. 
 Jfrael, for his Infidelity, he laid his 
 Scheme accordingly. 
 
 But as that took up fome Time, and 
 we have more of the Dramatis Perfon<e 
 to obferve, we fhall, like the Magic of 
 the Prompter's Whiftle, change the 
 Scene to Batilda's Lodgings •, where you 
 may fee the two Sifters at Breakfaft to- 
 gether. 
 
 Batilda. 
 
 No, Sifter, you Miftake, I fay that 
 Junior'^ refufing to accept of our Pre- 
 
 fenu
 
 2IO The History of 
 
 fent, lliews him to be a very generous- 
 fpirited Fellow, and that it is a praife- 
 worthy Adion, but not an Adion wor- 
 thy Imitation. 
 
 Matilda, 
 
 Dear Sifter, why fo ? 
 Batilda, 
 
 It is the greateft Curfe, next to being 
 witty, or beautiful : To be Ingenuous, 
 Difinterefted, or Friendly, they are Fer- 
 fecj:ions which are fure to bring Deftruc- 
 tion upon their Owners ; fine feather'd 
 Birds become a Prey to every Poacher, 
 but Crows fatten unmolefted. 
 Matilda. 
 
 I don't know what to fay to ypur Ar- 
 gument, Sifter J but this I am Jfure of, 
 if my Antipathy to Men was not fo 
 firmly fixed. — Heigho, — I do doat upon 
 a generous Adlion. 
 
 Batilda, 
 
 Why fo do I Child, — but we are to 
 live in the World, and Difintereftednefs 
 won't pay Turnpikes. This Affair of 
 your Settlement, in the ftri6l Eyes of Ho- 
 nour, is not quite fo clear as I Cv^u'd wifla 
 it. But what then ? 'tis now well over, 
 and your 200/. a Year will admit you 
 into Families, that wou'd not have given 
 you an under Petticoat to cover your 
 Difintereftednefs. As to me now, there's 
 
 this
 
 TOM FOOL. 211 
 
 this Jew Wretch •, I defpife him to be 
 fure-, but if I had told him fo, twou'd 
 have been Truth indeed, and I 500 
 Guineas the worfe for it. 
 Matilda. 
 Indeed, Sifter, I am not againft your 
 making all you can of the Men, for they 
 don't mind what they make of us. But; 
 I wonder how you can be fo civil to this 
 Creature that you hate fo. 
 Batilda. 
 My dear, if an A(fi:refs cou'd not look 
 her Parts, (he wou'd never deferve a 
 large Salary. As to Players, — our Sex 
 are born fo, Difiimulation is our Ward- 
 robe.— —Befides, what do I do ? — only 
 wear a vifitingDay's Face, the Complex- 
 ion of Ceremony, that's all. I wou'd 
 not be his Wife for the Wealth of the 
 whole Hebrew Nation, — but — 
 Matilda. 
 Ay, my dear Sifter, — but, to go to 
 bed to him ! 
 
 Batilda. 
 It is his Money, my dear Delicacy, 
 that I embrace, not him •, — him 1 — The 
 Wretch looks in his Love Raptures, like 
 a Baboon in an Ague Fit. — Let me but 
 fecure afufficientDependency, and Tlliive 
 as virtuous as Penelope -, that is, I'll 
 keep up the Appearance of it. — And 
 
 you
 
 212 The History of 
 
 you know, my dear Matilda^ Appearance 
 is the beflDrefs that ever was wore by 
 the Sons and Daughters of Adam. 
 
 At that Liflant, they heard a riiflling 
 
 up the Stairs, and in a Moment back 
 
 fwung the Brafs-lock'd Door. Mifs 
 
 Demirep enter'd, all Spirits,- — all Air, — 
 
 all, — all, — all every Thing; faying, aS 
 
 Ihe threw herfelf on the Sertee •, " Dear 
 
 ' Creatures, I am vaftly pleas'd to fee 
 
 ' you ; oh ! I have fuch a Hiilory to 
 
 ' tell you; you'll die.*— I have had fuch 
 
 ' a Lover, in Lofidon, — Well, but how 
 
 ' does Bath agree with Matilda ? And 
 
 ' all that ; and who, and whofe here ? 
 
 And how does all the World I and every 
 
 body in ir. 
 
 BcUilda. 
 
 Dear Demireps we are happy indeed, 
 now you are here •, but pray how long 
 has Bath been blefs'd with your Pre- 
 fence. 
 
 Demirep. 
 This Moment only : I met Junior^ hp 
 told me where you liv'd ; fo I order'd 
 my Chaife to drive up to your Door, and 
 fent my Woman Home in it, to get my 
 Lodgings ready. 
 
 ■ Matilda. 
 Well, but Mifs Demireps your London 
 Lover ? 
 
 Demirep,
 
 TOM FOOL. 2rj 
 
 Demirep. 
 
 Stay, let me drink my Chocolate ; — 
 fuch a Wretch !— Well, Til put a Mon- 
 key into Man's Apparel next Winter, 
 and fend him a Fortune-hunting ; for 
 there is now about Town, fuch a parcel 
 of frivolous, ogling, itarving, frightful 
 Fellows, who think to win Women by 
 the RattJefnake Charm, of flaring at 'em. 
 Batilda. 
 
 \Vell, but your Lover ? 
 Demirep. 
 
 Oh ! I am fick at the Thought on't ; 
 fuch a Fright! — But to begin; — now 
 wou'd I give more than I'll mention, if 
 I cou'd but make a proper Preamble to 
 this my Adventure \ I wou'd embellifii it, 
 with Aurora^ and Flora^ and all the 
 pretty W^ords of Farnajjus, — But Pati- 
 ence, — I mull begin coldly, Hke a News- 
 paper Paragraph. 
 
 About a Month ago, I was with Lady 
 Bellre^ in the Stage Box, at Garrick's^ 
 to fee liim do Beneditl \ — I doat upon his 
 Benedi^. — After the firft Ad: was over. 
 Lady Kitty twitch'd me by the Sleeve, 
 and begg'd mejuftto give a Glance at a 
 Figure in the Pit, clofe under us, who 
 had been ogling me for the lad ten Mi- 
 nutes. I ftar'd at the Wretch ; but as 
 foon as he law me oblerve him, he gave 
 
 fuch
 
 214 The History of 
 fbch a Look, I have been fick of all Eye- 
 language ever fince. Such a Languifh, 
 as if fomebody was treading upon his 
 Feet, and he was fainting away with the 
 Agony. Then he feem'd to figh, and 
 fimper'd, and bow'd. I afk'd Kitty, if 
 fhe did not think he was a Lunatic : She 
 begg*d I wou'd carry it on a little •, you 
 know what an enticing Devil fhe is, as 
 there's no denying her any Thing.—— 
 Therefore, as Mr. Bays fays, I gave him 
 Flafli for Flafli ♦, that, by the Time the 
 Curtain dropp'd, we had look'd ourfelves 
 into a very intimate Converfation. 
 
 Between Play and Entertainment, he 
 was mounted upon the Pit Seats, that I 
 might have a full View of his Perfon j and 
 fuch a Perfon !— I cou'd compare him to 
 nothing but a Boy Jockey, who had 
 been violently wafting himfelf; he look'd 
 fo fmall, and fo fallow, as fit for a Lover, 
 as I am to make a Chairman. 
 
 He was drefs'd, tailelefs and taw- 
 dry •, fomewhat between Footman and 
 Fop •, a little Cuff to his Coat, trimm'd 
 with a little Edging •, a little Cape to his 
 Waiflcoat, his Waiftcoat juft reaching 
 to his Watch String. 
 
 Juft as I was fettled in my Chair, I 
 faw the Thing again, bowing to the 
 Giaffes. He look'd fo pale, and fo pi- 
 tiful.
 
 TOM FOOL. 215 
 
 tiful, had I not feen him before, I fhou'd 
 have taken him for fomebody afking 
 Chanty. 
 
 Lady Beltre fupp'd with me that 
 Night, and we chatted above an Hour, 
 about the Audacity of thofe Breeches 
 Wearers, who aflume to themfelves'the 
 Name of Intriguers. 
 
 She vow'd, this Conqueft of mine 
 was worth twenty Plays ; that he look'd 
 too tender to be inconftant ; hoped the 
 Affair wou'd laft till Scarborough Seafon ; 
 and then it fliou'd be fairly copied out, 
 and fent to one of the Circulating Li- 
 brary Shops \ and it wou'd make a very 
 pretty Book •, and it fhou'd be called 
 ^he Cchweh \ or^ Love in a Wink \ or^ 
 feme other Curiofiiy-raifing Title. 
 
 Next Morning flie called on me, to 
 go to Langford's *, and as (he ftood at the 
 Safh, cry'd out, " Behold, rAy Lord., look 
 *' ivheye it comes again j" and, indeed, 
 on the oppofite Pavement, flood the 
 Ogler. — The next Day it came again, 1 
 did not care to joke any longer with 
 the poor Devil. But fhe conjured me 
 to give her Leave a little j for if fuch 
 Infolence was not curbed, fhe faid, we 
 fhou'd fhortly have every City Prentice 
 come into St. Jatnes's Parifh, ferenading;
 
 Zi6 The History of 
 
 As I flung up the Safh, the Wretch 
 attempted to make me a Bow, but 
 fell over the Chairmens Poles •, and 
 I was obliged to leave the Window, 
 that he might not difcover my Laughing. 
 
 That wicked Devil, Lady iv?//y, made 
 him an Appointment, under Bedford- 
 houfe JVall^ that Night at Twelve : We 
 went to Kefk"^ Rout \ and, returning 
 about Four, Beltre begged me to drive 
 round the Square, as it had been a ter- 
 rible Night ; only to fee what Sort of a 
 Figure a drench'd Lover was, when 
 alive. 
 
 The Watchman told us, the Gentle- 
 man was jufl gone off his Poll, to dry 
 himfelf •, we left Word for him, not to 
 catch Cold, and be there that Night 
 
 Se'nnight, at the fame Hour but he 
 
 came no more. — His Courage was coord 
 — and I wou'd advife all Ladies, who 
 are teiz'd by Impertinents, to prefcribe 
 to their Tormentors — a cold Night, and 
 a foaking Shower ; it will damp all 
 fuch Animals Defires. 
 
 Juft then Batilda received a Card from 
 her Hambro' Merchant •, and as flie put 
 on her Gloves, conjur'd Mifs Demirep, 
 for the Honour of her Sex, to beftovv 
 a little Time and Pains (till fhe returned) 
 
 on
 
 TOM F O O L. 217 
 
 on her heretical Sifter, who was abfoiute- 
 ]y a Man tiater. [Exii BatHda. 
 
 Demireps after looking fome Moments 
 at Matilda^ reply'd, well, I have kan 
 many Wonders in my Time, bur did 
 not think Bath cou'd have furniili'd Ibch 
 a Curiofity. 
 
 Matilda, 
 
 Why really. Madam I have met with 
 fuch Things, fuch furprizing Things, 
 among them, that they are my Averiio;}. 
 Demirep. 
 
 Indeed ! and yet we are ftrldom at 
 
 Enmity with them, for any Thing they 
 
 have furprizing. Youll excufe me, 
 
 my Dear 1 do know fomerhing of 
 
 the Creatures, to be fure -, 1 can't fay 
 I abfolutely hate them, — yet they ara 
 not to be worlliipp'd neicher, nor made 
 Idols of. 
 
 Matilda. 
 
 No, nor Hufbands. 
 Demirep. 
 
 I deteft the very Sound of Hufband— : 
 Matrimony, my Dear, is an Inquifui- 
 on -, and every wedding Cereniony, as 
 bad as an Auto de Fe, We may fay of 
 Men, what the old Proverb fays of Fire 
 and Water; they are very good Ser- 
 vants, but very bad Mafters. 
 
 My whimfical Papa, like a great ma- 
 L. ny 
 
 #
 
 21 8 The History of 
 ny odd Mortals, liv'd miferable to die 
 rich. I was his only Child •, he made 
 me his fole Heireis, and left me a very 
 large Fortune; but with this Provifo, 
 that I fhou'd marry no Ferfon, except a 
 Nobleman, or a Member of Parliam.ent, 
 under no lefs Penalty, than the Forfei- 
 ture of all he had left me. 
 
 When I heard that Claufe read I was 
 piqued ; and tho' there are feveral No- 
 blemen worthy any of our Sex's Love, 
 and many Gentlemen among the Com- 
 mons, I cou'd have been vailly happy 
 •with ', — but to be forc'd into Marriage, 
 
 and at Age too no Love makes 
 
 A very pretty Figure in Volunteer Regi- 
 mentals. But to be prefs'd into the 
 
 Service, Venus forbid. — I protefted a- 
 gainft it, in my Heart, and refolv'd my 
 
 A(5lions fhould correfpond. Yet I 
 
 M^as refolv'd not to bloiTom upon the 
 Earth, like a Field Flower.,- — fo I fet 
 up a Syftem of my own. 
 
 I look upon this Life as a fine Feaft, 
 Mankind making the bed Part of the 
 Entertainment ; and I am refolv'd to 
 help myfelf, where I like bed. Since 
 I was m.y own Miftrefs, this I have 
 done-, this I will do ^ but no- 
 thing upon Compulfion HaL 1 have 
 
 been happy enough, but never fo vio- 
 lently in Love, as to hide my Garters,
 
 TOM F O O L. 219 
 
 or think of Opium ; a little Mark upoa 
 
 my Heart fometimes, like the Scratch 
 
 of a Pin, but I always danc'd it off again. 
 
 AiiitilcUi. 
 
 Now that to me is wonderful -, I think 
 it impofnble to prevent I.ove from en- 
 creafing. 
 
 Demirep. • 
 
 You are vaftly right, my Dear, as to 
 Speculation •, but like other very wifii. 
 Folks, you err a little as to Pradtice ; ^ 
 not that we are fuch philofophical Fie- " 
 roins, to be able to refill this termagant 
 PafTion i no, 'tis our Lovers themfelves 
 that cure us. I have indeed, before 
 now, been in Danger of being very far 
 gone in Fondnefs j but. Thanks to my 
 Gentleman's Behaviour, the Squawl has 
 blown over. 
 
 Matilda 
 
 Pray, my Dear Demireps explain. 
 Demirep. 
 
 O Child, a Man before he's too much 
 favour'd, Ihall appear fo amiable, — fuch 
 Senfe, fuch Spirits, and fuGh Tender- 
 nefs, that you can't help thinking him 
 the moft engaging Animal exitling ; and 
 taking him to your Arms, before either 
 your Monkey, Parrot, or Squirrel. But 
 like other Animals, he grows rude and 
 difguftful. 'Tis true, indeed, he won\ 
 L 2 pull
 
 220 The History of 
 
 pull your Ear-rings about, fquall till 
 your Head ache, or tear your Tucker -, 
 but he'll — in fhort, Love is full of Im- 
 pertinence and Contradictions ; and as 
 fome Poet fays, there's no hving with 
 it, or without it. 
 
 A Servant then enter^dy and whiffered 
 Matilda. 
 
 As fhe was going to beg Mifs Demi- 
 rep to go on, her Sifter returned ; both 
 the Ladies were furprifed at her coming 
 back fo foon ; and, as fhe feem'd a lit- 
 tle flufter'd, begg'd to know what was 
 the Matter. 
 
 Batilda. 
 
 Matter ! Why I have left my Mer- 
 chant and Jew together, ftaring like 
 two Country Louts at a Coronation j — 
 
 the Duce take all Men. 
 
 Demirep, 
 
 Make no rafh Promifes, Child -, tell 
 us the Matter j come be brief, unfold. 
 Matilda, 
 
 Dear Sifter, "John is juft come up, 
 to tell us Dinner's on the Table, if 
 your laft Adventure does not depend 
 upon an inftantaneous relating. Tho' 
 I know 'tis againft all Rules of Ro- 
 mance to mind Eating, when the di- 
 
 ftrefs'd
 
 TOM FOOL, 221 
 
 flrefs'd Damfel is going to relate her 
 Sorrows. But what fay ye Ladies ? The 
 Story won't cool, the Meat may. 
 Batilda. 
 Nay, I am not fo far gone in Sighing, 
 to lofe my Dinner, I afTure you. I have 
 been a little out of Luck this Morning, 
 that's all. Life is Ch^equcr'd. [Sings.] 
 Away they went, and with the Reader's 
 Leave, we'll fay much Good may it do 
 them, — and fo conclude the Chapter. 
 
 ^he CHAPTER of Ghosts. 
 
 ALT HO' Batilda had not Time 
 to relate the Accident that dif- 
 comp.os'd her 5 we having little elfe to 
 do, ihall inform the Reader, that her 
 Dutch Merchant, as he ftepp'd out of 
 his Poft-chariot, at the Chrijiopbers^ met 
 Mr. Ifrael \ they were Intimates on 
 Change, therefore refolv'd not to be 
 Strangers at Batb^ and a Bottle of Hock 
 Vv'as caird for, to cement their Ac- 
 quaintance. 
 
 Over their Wine, according to Cuf- 
 tom, they began to mention the Feats 
 of Love they had perform'd, and the 
 L 3 fine
 
 222 The History ot 
 
 fine Women they had enjoy'd ; and 
 each, alternately, boafled of poiTtfTing 
 the Beauty of Baib, This brought on a 
 \Vager in Tafte, and each was to pro- 
 duce his Lady. They cut a Card who 
 ihould fhow firfl ; Mr. Jfr^el won ; upon 
 which Mynheer Vander Beit had dif- 
 patch'd the Billet to Batilda, as aforefaid : 
 But judge what the Lady's Surprize muft 
 be, to fee her Gallants together. But 
 — Beauty, is not more the Ladies Pro- 
 perty, than Prefence of Mind. — -She ad- 
 drefs'd herfelf immediately to Mynheer, 
 thus : Sir, I am furpriz'd, after not 
 jiearing from you for four Polls, you 
 i>xn'd fo abruptly fend for me, without 
 previous Notice ; and an Accident has 
 iappen'd to me here, as I wrote you 
 v/ord to London^ — but receiv'd no An- 
 Iwer ; which reduc'd m^e to fuch Straights, 
 that if it had not been for this Gentle- 
 man, {pointing to Mr. Ifrael) I don't 
 know how I couM either have (laid here, 
 or left the Place with Honour : — But I 
 am confcious, nay convinc'd, that your 
 pretended Regard for m^ is Selfifhnefs -, 
 for contrary to your Promife, you have 
 expos'd our Intimacy, to this Gentle- 
 man : But when once a Man forfeits his 
 Honour v/ith me, — I (hall acknowledge 
 bim no more to be my Friend. — Then 
 
 with
 
 TOM FOOL. 223 
 
 with a becoming Haughtinefs, turn'd 
 herfelf round, and Qapp*d the Door after 
 her, with dich a Force, that made the 
 Safhes rattle in their Frames. After fhe 
 was gone, for fome Moments, the Brace 
 of Rivals flood itaring at each other. 
 Mr. Ijrael^ with a Shrug, arming both 
 his Noftrils with Rappee; and Mynheer 
 at the fame Time drinking off a Tumb- 
 ler of vVine. — Then, — O Mars^ Bellona^ 
 with Al&locb Carthaginian Babe-burner — 
 attend, teach me to paint what Mifchief 
 might hav^e happened. 
 
 Mr. Junior was in the next Room, 
 waiting with Impatience to hear how 
 the Affair wou'd finifh : When, much to 
 his Surprize, it terminated in a very 
 friendly Charter-party, without a Blow 
 llruck, or an ill Word given. 
 
 For it happen'd. Indigo at that Time 
 was rifing, and Mr. Ben Ifrael had 300 
 Barrels by him. This Mynheer knew, 
 — therefore came to the following Com- 
 promife. They were to go equal Sharers 
 in the Indigo, and Mr. Ifrael wzs to have 
 
 V^ of Baiilda, 
 
 As foon as Junior heard the Agree- 
 ment, he haften'd to the Sifters Apart- 
 ment, to acquaint them with it -, then 
 told them Mifs Mqfk's Defign on the 
 L 4 Jcv.\
 
 224 The History or 
 
 Jew^ with the Scheme he had laid to de- 
 itroy the Intrigue. 
 
 \n lefs than an Hour after, Baiilda 
 receiv'd a very prefling Billet from 
 Mynheer, with a very handfome Apo- 
 logy, viz. a Draught for fifty Pounds : 
 She honour'd the Bill, and had a Chair 
 cali'd inftantly. 
 
 The Sun next Morning had been fome- 
 ,time fettled in his Coach-box ; — but v/e 
 have had Sun enough, — at lead, I don't 
 find many People mind it now-a-Days, 
 f:xcept Butter-fa<5lors, Poets, and Hay- 
 makers, we Ihall fay no more 
 
 about it i but come to that remarkable 
 Evening, when Mifs Mafi^ and Mr. If- 
 rde/, met at the Lodging Junior pro- 
 viced for them. 
 
 Juft as the Difciple of Jaron flopp'd 
 into Bed, — and the Lady with circling 
 
 Arms '5 that very Inftant, Squire Sin- 
 
 gkten loudly thunder'd at the Door, 
 
 iwearing and threatning, — the fiight- 
 ned Gallant, tumbled out of Bed, as the 
 Door was burfc open, and fcram.bled up 
 another Pair cf Stairs, in bis Shirt, which 
 led into a Garret \ the Door of which he 
 bolted after him, and then made his Way 
 very nimbly out upon the Leads ; fuch 
 Agility is bedow'd by Fear. The Squire 
 
 flew
 
 TOM FOOL. 225 
 
 flew after him, and the Lady leap'd 
 out of Bed, when the Rivals left the 
 Room; bolted the Door they had hur- 
 ried out of, and then examined Mr. 
 Ifrael's wearing Apparel. After fhe had 
 fcrv'd herfelf, with what Part of the Spoil 
 fhe thought proper, went Home, as 
 eafy, asiflhewas but jufh come from 
 the Pump-room. 
 
 But Mr. Single ten bawl'd him felt 
 hoarfe, before he cou'd be releas'd •, for 
 Mr. Ifrael had bolted himi out, and 
 Mifs lock'd him in ; (o that he was im- 
 mur'd, upon a dark Stair-cafe, till Ju- 
 nior^ with Matilda^ who came by aca- 
 dentally^ deliver'd him from his Confine- 
 ment. 
 
 Along the Gutter of the Leads, the 
 affrighted Hebrew kept crawling, till a 
 friendly Cafement, that was open'd, 
 feem'd to promife him a favourable Shel- 
 ter : He crept in, and ftood Ihivcring, 
 
 affli6led with what the Phyfico- 
 
 learned call a complex Trepidation,— 
 an Ague Fit, and the Fear of Death. 
 
 Naked as lie was, down he fquattrd 
 on an old Trunk -, the only Piece of Fur- 
 niture belonging to the Room. 
 
 Now% as tlus hap[.en'd to be Sunly 
 
 Evening, there was a Rout in the firi 
 
 Floor of I he Houfe, vvh^re Mr. Jfiu^ 
 
 L ^ had
 
 2^6 The History of 
 
 had fecreted himfelf : And the Servant?, 
 who had moil of them more Rehgion 
 than their Betcers, were in the Kitchen, 
 talking about Witches, Apparitions, Bets 
 Cannings andthe Coaiet. 
 
 Bat my Lord's Butler, who had been 
 m.aking himfelf, and Friends merry, 
 with his Mailer's Madeira^ came in and 
 unfettled all their Opinions. For as he 
 fet up for a very tine Gentleman, he 
 confequently ridicul'd all Belief: Upon 
 which Ned^ my Lady Langnifi's Foot- 
 man, obierv'd, that there was a Garret, 
 in the very Houfe they were then in, 
 haunted ; and if Mr. Willianh, and Sir 
 Thomases Gentleman, and Lord Robert's^ 
 wou'd go up with him, to be WitnelTes 
 he did fair, he'd lay the Butler a Dozen 
 of Beer •, — that he wou'd carry up the 
 Butler's Hat, and put it into an old 
 IVunk, which flood in that Room, and 
 leave a Candle burning by it, and that 
 he, the Butler, did not go up by him- 
 felf, and bring his Hat down again, for 
 all his making fo much Game about 
 going to Church. 
 
 The Wager was accepted j and juil 
 before Mr. Ifrael came in, the Hat had 
 been hid in the Trunk, and the Candle 
 iHr burning on the middle of the Floor ; 
 &rid as the difappointed Hebrew had 
 
 feated
 
 T O M F O O L. 227 
 
 feated himfelf on the Trunk, up came 
 the Butl^iT to fetch his Hat. As he o- 
 pen*d the Door, he law a Thing all in 
 White. Struck with the Sight, he grafp'd 
 the Door Edge faft with one Hand, and 
 with the other covered his Eyes-, laying, 
 /;/ the Name of the Father^ zvho^ — who^ 
 • — who are you ? If there's an\ bed: in the 
 Room^ [peak. The Severity of the Night 
 had put it out of the Power of Ben Ijrael 
 to be articulate, inilead of replying, 
 his Teeth only chatter'd in his Head. — 
 What I Do you gnajh your ^eeth at me^ 
 fne, tne, me? Stutter'd out the Servant. 
 / never did any Harm in my Life, I never 
 committed ?4urder. The Jew advanc'd 
 towards him •, the Butler retreated back- 
 wards, and down Stairs he fell, rowling, 
 roaring. Mr. Ifrael^ barefoot, padding 
 foftly after him. 
 
 Into the Card-room burft the Butler j 
 crying out, ^'he Devil, the DeviTs a 
 coming. The Card Company darted 
 up all at once, and run to the Door ^ 
 thofe behind, prelTing upon the fore- 
 moft, till the Landing-place was crowd- 
 ed with the very bed Company. «- 
 
 But as foon as Mr. Ifrael ftood in View •, 
 what (hrieking, fhrinking, hiding, and 
 hurrying, to return into the Room : But 
 the Door-way was wedg'd up by Sir 
 L 6 purfy
 
 22S The HiSTORy of 
 Purfy Pimple^ who was running out, as 
 Sir Sqiiekhy Squab was ruiliing in ; their 
 Bellies meeting in Midway, they ilrove 
 to fqueeze by each other, but were fad 
 fix'd, jamm'd like Milos Fills between 
 the Timbers. 
 
 As the Jew defcended lower, the 
 Noife became greater : Helter-fkeker 
 hurried the affrighted Rout. — Mothers 
 beat down their Daughters ; Wives over- 
 fet their Hufbands •, Beaux broke their 
 Shins over the Bannifters, and fine La- 
 dies tumbled Toply-turvy, — \\k.t^ixote 
 amidli the Sheep, or like a Swimmer in 
 a turbulent Sea, or like a Hare over 
 Furze-buHies. So Mr. Ifrael fcrambled, 
 crawl'd, and clamber'd, till he found a 
 tall'n Roquelau, which he wrapp'd him- 
 itX'i about with^ and fecretly crept Home. 
 
 Jull as Mr. Fool had read to this 
 Line, Mr. Mackendroch enter'd his A- 
 partment, and with much Apology, de- 
 iir^d the Return of Mr. Juniors Adven- 
 tures ; — for that Gentleman had made 
 up his Affairs, and the Manufcript was 
 to be put into his Creditors Hands, as 
 
 rt of their Security. 
 
 ■F^ 
 
 C H A P.
 
 TOM FOOL. 22^ 
 
 CHAP. XXVII. 
 
 AN Acl of Infolvency gave I'om 
 his Difcharge : Ragged as he vvas,- 
 he fat out for the Country, refolving to 
 get Employment in Hufbandry. Bur, 
 poor Fellow, when he afk'd for V/ork, 
 they enquired, v/herc he came from ? 
 When he told them ; they anfwered, 
 they would have nothing to fay to a 
 Jail Bird ; and if he begg'd, he was 
 threatened with the Whipping Poft. 
 
 But as it happened to be Blackberry- 
 time with them, and Spring Water in a- 
 bundance(^ which few People deny'd him) 
 he travelled three Days. On the fourth, 
 he came up to an old grey-headed Man ♦, 
 who was wringing his Hands, and cry- 
 ing bitterly, ^om very kindiy enquired 
 what was the Matter with him ? Upon 
 which, as well as Tears would give him 
 Leave, the poor old Man told him he 
 was blind, and had been fo for many 
 Years •, but by ' the Help of a Dog, he 
 had got a good Living, and afk'd Cha- 
 rity. But now, Sir, I muft ftarve, I 
 mull ftarve, now^ — my poor Dog is 
 . hang'd.
 
 230 The History of 
 
 Ton. 
 How came that. Father, was he 
 mad ? 
 
 B, Men. 
 Mad, no, no, no, but thofe that 
 kiird him were. I'll tell you. Sir, a- 
 bout four Miles off there is a great 
 Inn i the Gentry ufe it, as they go to 
 Tiinhridge, I went there To-day, Sir, 
 to get a little broken Vi(!rtuals -, it was 
 the Heat of the Day, and I fell afleep : 
 In the mean Time, Sir, the Waiters 
 Hole away my Dog, my poor Dog •, 
 merhinks I hear him now. They ilole 
 him, Sir, jufl to pleafe a Couple of rich 
 Gentlemen ; Bloods, as 1 heard them 
 call'd. They hung my poor Dog over 
 the Sign Poll: •, his Shrieks waked me ; 
 but I could neither help him, nor my- 
 felf. I kneel'd to 'em, I pray'd, I cry'd, 
 but I was only laugh'd at. One of them, 
 as I was upon my Knees, poured a Pail 
 of Water upon my Head -, then they 
 both fwore, they did not know which 
 cut the mofl droll Figure, I or m^y Dog. 
 Tcm^ whofe Heart was divided be- 
 tween Refenrmentand Compaffion, prof- 
 fered to lead the old Man j and imme- 
 diately they fet forward, next Day at 
 Noon, clofe to a running Vv^ater, on a 
 rifing green Spot, overlhaded by fome 
 
 •wide
 
 TOM FOOL. 231 
 
 wide fpreading Oaks, that grew in the 
 Hedge- row. At a Diftance from the 
 dirty Road, as they fat down to cool 
 themfelves, Tom defired his Partner to 
 tell him how he became bhnd. 
 
 " My Father was a Gardener, and 
 " brought me up to his own Bufinefs •„ 
 " but willing that I fhould improve my- 
 •' felf, he fent me to an Acquaintance 
 " of his, of the fame Bufinefs near 
 " London. Now, tho' I fay it, few 
 *' People of my Years (for I was. Sir, 
 " but Seventeen then) ftrove harder for 
 *''- Knowledge than I did : I lov'd Work, 
 " and ufed to buy or borrow every Book' 
 " 1 could, concerning Plants and Gar- 
 •* dening. 
 
 '* God help me, I can't read now. 
 ♦' But my Mailer and I could not a- 
 *' gree -, for he was a Man who loved 
 *' his Pleafures mightily, and kept the 
 •' befl Sort of Company, as he caffd 
 ** it, in London at the I'averns ; and in 
 *' the Country at Horfe-race Times. 
 *' To be fure I have feen very great 
 •* Gentlemen come, and take him out 
 *' with them j for he cou*d fing very 
 •* well, and tell a Heap of comical Sto- 
 ** ries, and had always fomething to 
 ■•* fay for himfelf-, yet he and I cou'd 
 ^ aot agree. He iau^h'd at me for 
 
 y going
 
 232 The History of 
 " going to Church, and for reading the 
 " New Teilament -, and wou'd endea- 
 '' vourto difpute with me about it -, but 
 *' for all he was my Mailer in other Re- 
 " ipedts, he was but a weak Arguer; 
 " ftill he wou'd endeavour to laugh me 
 *' out of my ReHgion j now I us'd t;o 
 *' wonder at that, and tell him fo. 
 
 " To be Jure, S:r, (I us'd to fay) tbefe' 
 *' greal Gemk folks you keep Company with 
 '* may talk in this rajh Manner^ becaiife 
 " they know no better j they fee nothing as 
 " they ffjou'd do^ they wonU give themf elves 
 ** Time for it ; but you, Sir^ who fee fa 
 *' 7nuch of the JVifdom of Providence fhoidd 
 '^ know better : It fonietimes happens^ Men 
 " will make a Mock of wh.-t they donU un- 
 " derjiand\ but for People to fee what the 
 * ' Earth does, and what is done to the Earth; 
 *' by Showers, and Sun^ and Dews, and 
 '* P/inds, and Snow, Lord it is wonderful^ 
 *' indeed', God help me, I'm but a poor 
 •* Man to be fure •, yet I have feen fuch 
 *•' Tokens of Heavea's Handy-v/orks^ 
 *' that^ U^gging Pardon, there's never 
 *' a Lord of the Land ever faw the like; 
 •^ ^tho' they may win tvventy and twenty 
 *" King's Plates after that. 
 
 '* I went- to work at Fulham -, and 
 
 '* over-againil our Grounds, there liv'd 
 
 *^ a fine youngs Lady •, fhe hi^d a Gha*- 
 
 ' " riotj
 
 TOM FOOL. 235 
 
 riot, and two Footmen -, People faid, 
 indeed, fhe was but a kept Miftrefs •, 
 that was none of my Bufiners : She 
 always paid us very generoufly, and 
 was a fpecial CufLom^fr. She us'd to 
 walk in a Morning among us, when 
 we were at Work, with a very gen- 
 teel young Woman ♦, one of the pret- 
 tieil Girls I ever faw in my Life. 
 " I lik'd this young Woman very 
 much; ihe was a Clergyman's Daugh- 
 ter, and had been brought up very well, 
 tho' flie was but a Servant then •, I can*t 
 fay fhe was a Servant neither, for 
 Mifs Elms kept her as her Companion. 
 " One day I broke my Mind to her ; 
 and after a Week, or two, fhe gave 
 " rhe her Confent to be my Wife ; pro- 
 " vided, that Mifs Elms wou'd not be 
 
 " againft it. Now to fee fome La- 
 
 " dies Tempers, how fantaftical they 
 *' are — Mifs Elms wou'd not give her 
 *' Confent, till fhe had fome Talk with 
 " me, fhe faid. I waited upon her*; 
 " and tho' I am fure, when fhe walk'd 
 *' in our Gardens, if I had offer'd to 
 '' touch her Hand, fhe wou'd have let 
 " me in the Stocks •, yet now fhe was 
 " mad, if I may fo call it, that I fhou'd 
 •' fall in Love with her Maid, and fhe 
 •* by j and fhe told me, fhe infifted, — 
 
 " but 
 
 C(
 
 234 The History op 
 " but Company coming in, fhe dif- 
 ** mifs'd me ; gave me a Guinea ; and 
 ** told me, to bring her a Carnation 
 *' To-morrow at Twelve o'Clock. 
 
 '' f told Mifs ;F/7/ the Subjea of 
 •' what Mifs Elms faid. My Girl fell 
 '* into Tears, and told me I (liou'd leave 
 " her ; but I made her a folemn Vow 
 *' I wou'd not. She was not fatisfied -, 
 *' but made Mifs Elms's Gentleman 
 '* jealous, as flue has often confefs'd to 
 ** me fince : He found Mifs Elms and 
 ** me together, but as harmlefs as Sif- 
 •' ter and Brother. However, he took 
 *' me to Tafk about it. I told him, I 
 *' courted Mifs fFiU^ his Lady's Wait- 
 *' ing-maid : He cou'd not believe it at 
 •* firft; but to convince him, we were 
 *' married at his Expence •, and he gave 
 •^' us a Sum of Money, and fent us 
 " down into the Country, according to 
 " both our Defires. 
 
 " I chofe to go to the Parifh where 
 ** I was born, and there rented a Piece 
 " of Land. My Wife and I liv'd very 
 *' happy together; we had two fine 
 *' Children -, Lord, how proud we were 
 " of them ; how did we exult on thofe 
 *' fine BlofToms, as I may call them, of 
 *' our own raifmg •, but we were wrong ; 
 
 we found it > for my poor Boy, who 
 
 " was 
 
 <f
 
 TOM FOOL. 2^5 
 
 «* vvas then twelve Years of Age, was 
 •' lent to the Squire's, our Landlord, 
 '* with fome Cherries 3 it v/as hot Wea- 
 " ther, the poor Boy was dry, and 
 " begged fome fmali Beer. My Land- 
 " lord being within Hearing, pour'd a 
 " Botde of old Beer into the Can, and 
 *' gave it him : He was dry, he drank 
 " moflofit, it foon got into his Head, 
 " he fung, and danc'd, and played fe- 
 *' veral mad Pranks \ but this vv-as fine 
 *' Fun for the Squire, and fome Via- 
 *' tors he had j — (juft fuch Brutes as 
 *' hang'd my poor Dog) — to keep my 
 ** poor Boy in Spirits, they pour'd fe- 
 ** veral Drams down his Throat : Till 
 ** at laft, foaming at the Mouth, he 
 *' tumbled upon the Floor ^ from 
 *• whence he was carried into the Sta- 
 " ble, where in an Hour's Time he died. 
 " This Misfortune almofl turned my 
 *' poor Wife's Brain, and made me lit- 
 ♦' tie better than a crazy Man \ but the 
 " Squire, to make us Amends, gave us 
 " Money, fent his Do6lor to attend my 
 *' dear Wife -, nay, and his Sifter came, 
 *' and took her out in his Chariot, three 
 *' Times a Week, to take the Air. Inre- 
 *' turn for thefe Civilities my Wife, who 
 *' had a very grateful Heart, and willing 
 " that our Daughter, who was now 
 
 juft
 
 2^6 The History of 
 " juft turn'd Fourteen, and a very 
 *' lovely Girl, fhou'd fee the v/orld, 
 *' let this Squire's Sifter have her, as 
 *' iVlifs Elms liad my Wife for a Com- 
 '* pan ion. 
 
 '' I confentcd ; T can'c fay I ever was 
 •' myfdf after my poor Boy's Death. In 
 ** Winter the Family went up to London^ 
 '* and we had feveral Letters, and little 
 ** Prefents from my Daughter at firft ; 
 " but in half a Year fhe left off writings 
 *' and we never heard from her after- 
 *' wards, till fhe v/as in the Lock Hof- 
 ** pital. F>om thence (he fent us Word, 
 *' the Squire had got her with Child, 
 *' and upon the Difcovery, his Sifter 
 '^ turn'd her out of Doors. The Bro- 
 " ther fupported her till fhe was deliver- 
 *' ed, and then left her to the wide 
 " World ; and about feven Months af- 
 " terwards, fhe came into that Hofpi- 
 *' tal.— She begged for our Bicfiing, and 
 " Forgivenefs •, and in a Week after 
 
 " that died very penitent." Oh my 
 
 Daughter ! my Daughter ! I can't help 
 crying^ young Man — / can't help it. O 
 young Man, if you had Children, Children 
 that you dearly lov'd, and to Icfe them in the 
 Manyier I have done ; you wou'd then judge 
 ivhai it is I feel here, here^ here. 
 
 The
 
 TOM FOOL. 237 
 
 The poor old Man ftriking his Breall, 
 at the fame Time Tears fait followed 
 one another down the Furrows of his 
 Sun- burn'd Cheeks. 
 
 *' My poor Wife was put into Bedlam^ 
 " and I into Jail, for foine Speeches I 
 '' utter'd in my Grief againft the Squire \ 
 " and my Things were feized on for 
 " Rent. Flowever, by the Interpofiti- 
 " on of the Gentry about our Town, I 
 *' was fet at Liberty, and they made a 
 '^ Colledlion for me, and put me in my 
 " Houfe again. But I cou'd not do as 
 '^ heretofore, my Head was unfettled. 
 " I took a young Man in Partner with 
 " me •, he had no Money, but I thought 
 " his Youth and Gradtude might make 
 " him ferviceable to me. 
 
 *' But one Day a Hare, that had done 
 " me a great deal of Mifchief, came 
 " and fquatted down juft under the Win- 
 " dow, where I was reading. I fhot 
 " her, I protefb not for the Sake of it's 
 " being a Dainty at Table, nor to fell 
 " it, but only for Self defence : But 
 *' m.y Partner informed againft me *, and 
 '^ this Squire, the Author of all my 
 " Unhappinefs, committed me to Prifon 
 '' -for it. He wou'd not be paid for it. 
 
 *' People laid it was illegal •, but I 
 
 "' had no body to afliftme; the Gtn^ 
 
 *' tie man
 
 23S The History of 
 
 " tlemen that had before been my 
 *' Friends, now were againft me -, they 
 '' ail faid, it's proper an Example 
 " fhou'd be made, it might deter others ; 
 " all the Comfort I got, was in my 
 *' own Refiecftions, that I had com- 
 *' mitted no Crime. But that, as fome 
 " of the Peoples Servants told me, was 
 *' not the Thing; for the Gentlemen 
 *' all declared, they wou'd fooner for- 
 ** give a Houfe-breaker, or a Highway- 
 " man, or a Ravilher, than they wou'd 
 " any Perfon, who incurs the Penalties 
 •* of the Game Acl. 
 
 *' So true it is^ what my Father us^d t9 
 " fa}\ never crofs the rich Folks in their 
 '' Pleafures^ they'll forgive any Thing foon- 
 *' er than that. 
 
 " After I had laid till SelTions in a 
 ** cold wet Place, where the Damps 
 " had ftruck to my Eyes, and put them 
 " both out *, I was call d up, difcharg'd, 
 " andturn'd out of Court, a poor bUnd 
 " Vagabond, After I had laid about 
 " a Week in the Fields, the Paridi O^- 
 *' ficers, falling out among themfelves, 
 ** out of Spite to one another, put me 
 
 " into the Workhoufe, but, dear 
 
 *' Heart, wou'd you believe it -, there 
 " was as much Quarrelling, Party-ma- 
 *' king, and Back-biting, and Over 
 
 •' bearing
 
 TOM FOOL. 239 
 
 bearing there, as in any other Part of 
 the World. I happen'd to be the 
 only bhnd Perfon there ; and, as I 
 con'd not fee what was done, had 
 more bad Ufage than any one elfe ; 
 till tir'd of that Life, and weary with 
 being hit in the Teeth by the Gover- 
 nor, Nurfes, and Beadle, about my 
 poor Daughter's Misfortune, I begg'd 
 they'd give, or get me a Dog to lead 
 me, and I wou'd not trouble them 
 ^ny more: They got me one, the 
 faithful Creature I loft Yefterday, and 
 v^ith whom, for thefe feveral Years 
 paft, I have wander'd up and down, 
 a poor blind Beggar." 
 
 CHAP.
 
 240 The History o 
 
 CHAP. XXVIII. 
 
 IN this Manner Tb/?z Fool liv'd for fome 
 Time, wandering from Place to Place, 
 till he and the old Man came to a large Vil- 
 lage, where the Parifhioners had a Right 
 ot Common, to a vaft Tract of Land 
 around them. This us'd to be Ibwn 
 with different Sorts of Grain •, and to 
 fcare the Bu'ds, the Villagers always had 
 a Whiftler, from Seed Time, to Har- 
 veft Home, to whom they allow'd very 
 good Wages ♦, but this had been of late 
 Years much abufed. Formerly the Per- 
 fon who had the cleareil Pipe was fure 
 to be chofe. 
 
 One Man got it, only by giving the 
 Church- wardens two Dozen of Franks. 
 
 Another, crammed all the Children 
 with gilded Gingerbread, for four or five 
 Days, before the Time of Chufing ; and 
 then they made fuch a Noife at Home, 
 that their Parents, for Peace Sake, 
 fpoke jull as the Children wou'd have 
 them. 
 
 One Man got it, by bringing down a 
 Barhary Horfe, and let him ferve the 
 principle Peoples Mares gratis. 
 
 Ano-
 
 TOM FOOL. 241 
 
 Another gain'd it, by Jappanning all 
 the Farmers Wives Sundafs Pumps, with 
 th'e famous new-invented Liquid. 
 
 The laft Poflefibr had a Brother, who 
 was a Dragoon, and he brought the mi- 
 litary Man down to back his Pretenfions. 
 The Soldier's Appearance feared half 
 the Country, to fee his crofs Buff Belts, 
 his bright-barreird Carbine, his large - 
 handled Sword, and his Cloak rowl'd up 
 like a Collar of Brawn : And he hinted, 
 that if his Brother had not the Place, he 
 fhou'd flay a Month, or two, among 
 them ; but the Place was given to his 
 Brother at once, upon Condition that the 
 Horfe and Arms fliou'd appear there 
 no more. 
 
 As the Village had been badly ferv'd, 
 for a long Time paft, it was determin'd 
 by a Majority at the Vellry, that every 
 Bodyfhou'd give their Opinion, without 
 Fear or Favour. 
 
 The Morning Tom FooU and his Part- 
 ner came there, was the Time appointed 
 to try the Merits of each Whiftler. 
 All the People of the Village were af- 
 fembled •, a large Ring was made, and 
 the feveral Performers were waiting in 
 the Tythe Barn. 
 
 Silence was call'd out three Times, 
 
 by the Beadle j and then uprofe one of 
 
 M the
 
 242 The History of 
 
 the cideft Farmers in rhe Village, and 
 thus delivei'd himfelf. 
 
 Neighbours, Fellow farmers, Friends, 
 and Englifhmen •, allow me to congra- 
 tulate ye, on the Intent of this Day's 
 Meeting. I rejoice to have liv'd to this 
 Time, to fee my Countrymen at Liber- 
 ty, to fpeak as they ought to do, without 
 being biafs'd, by either mean Tempta- 
 tions, or mighty Threatnings. This 
 Day we are met, to fpeak as we think ; 
 and not to fay, yes, or no, jufl; as the 
 Market goes. 
 
 Let me beg you'll this Day adl agree- 
 ably to the Intention of this Meeting. 
 Confider how our Crops have fuffer'd, 
 by our former Whiftlers. Have we not 
 had fome, who promifmg faithfully to 
 ferve us, yet have fold our Crops as they 
 grew : But for that, only yourfelves are 
 to be blam'd ; for as they might lay out 
 all they had to buy the Place, they 
 were right to make the Place get what 
 it coil them. Do ye not Neighbours 
 chufe a Man that has a f.veet Tooth -, for 
 we know by Experience, when fometimes 
 we have had a diligent and fhrill Whift- 
 ler, yet he has been tempted by Sweet- 
 meats •, and inftead of Whirling, when 
 the Pigeons have got into the Corn, he 
 
 has
 
 TDM FOOL. 243 
 has had his Mouth full of Sugar-plumUs, 
 and cou'd not utcer a fingle Note. 
 
 Let not a Gentleman's Servant be your 
 Whiftler -, for you may depend on't, 
 they'll oblige the great Families, in Hopes 
 of being provided for after Harvell-time. 
 
 Chufe not a Whiiller that's fond of 
 Sporting •, he, inftead of watching the 
 Grain, will get to Cob-ftone under a 
 Hedge, or at Nine-men's- morrice, pr 
 elfe leave the Fields, and run a Squirrel- 
 hundng -, — but the Day begins to -wafte, 
 I'll keep you no longer from your Bufi- 
 nefs, but may Providence dircvR: you for , 
 the beft. 
 
 The Whiftlers enter'd, but not one 
 of them came up to the PariihionersEx- 
 pedations. At laft, Tom Fool^ who had 
 overheard all that had been laid and 
 performed, as he flood at the Back of 
 the Ring, gave fo fhrill a \Vhi(iie»,Jie 
 pierced their Ears, and they all turn'd 
 their Heads, to know where the Sound 
 came from. 
 
 He was plac'd in the Ring, where he 
 exhibited fo much to their Satisfaclions, 
 and in the Account he gav^e of himfclf, 
 was fo modefl, that they chofe him 
 Whiftler on the Spot : But this Office 
 ^om wou'd not accept of, unlefs he might 
 have Liberty he told them, to take Care 
 M 2 of
 
 244 The History of 
 
 of that old Man, he had brought with 
 
 him. 
 
 This Humanity gave the Parifh a good 
 Opinion of tT^w's Principles ; they made 
 aCoUediion for young Poors blind Friend 
 on the Spot. Tom was (hown to a Ho- 
 vel, where he might always retire to in 
 tempeftuous Weather : And he that Day 
 got the old Man fetded, and the next he 
 enter'd upon his Office -, in which he ac- 
 quitted himfelf to the entire Satisfadlion 
 of the Inhabitants. 
 
 C H A P»
 
 TOM FOOL, 245 
 
 CHAP. XXIX. 
 
 IT is incredible, what an Alteration 
 the Parifhioners found in their Com- 
 mon, by harveft Timcj not a Bird 
 dared to fettle among them. Nay, Tom 
 Fool put up all Sorts of Traps, to de- 
 il:roy Vermin \ and he was always either 
 Whiflling, or Weeding, or driving 
 llray'd Cattle off. 
 
 Within three Miles where Tom kept 
 Watch, liv'd Lady Greenfy, She kept 
 the largeft Dove-coat in the Country. 
 After Tom had been fome Time in his 
 Poll, fhe obferv'd her Pigeons kept more 
 at Home than ufual \ they did not feem 
 inclinable to (lir out of the Yard, as if 
 they dreaded the Kite. She enquir'd 
 among the Servants what cou*d be the 
 Meaning of this : They told her Lady- 
 (hip, the new Whilller had fcard them 
 off i and he was fuch a crofs Curr, he 
 wou'd neither let Birds, nor Beads, come 
 near him. 
 
 She order'd her Poftillion to go and 
 
 thrafli the Fellow ; but Tom thrafh'd the 
 
 Poftillion : She th.en order'u her Maids, 
 
 as they went to and irom milking, to 
 
 M 3 decoy
 
 24^ The History of 
 decoy him to walk with them ; and fiie 
 promised that Girl that cou'd get him 
 away from his Poll a new Gown, 
 defigning then to accufe him to the 
 Pariih for Negligence, and get one of 
 her ovVn People put in his Place. 
 
 Tern indeed wou'd chat with the Girls, 
 but never flir from his Poft. Lady 
 Greenfy was piqued -, it was now high 
 Harveft, and fine picking for her Pige- 
 ons ; fhe therefore fent two Half-crowns 
 to Tcm to drink her Health ; and in re- 
 turn, only begg'd he'd let her Pigeons 
 feed jufl five Minutes. Tom fent the 
 Money back, and hop'd her Ladyfhip 
 wou'd excufe him ; but if fhe'd give him 
 a Crown a-piece for every Pigeon, he 
 v/ou'd not do it. 
 
 JViU^ the Gamd-keeper, brought Tom'^ 
 Anfwer back •, and according to Cuflom 
 inform'd his Fellow-fervants of it, be- 
 fore he deliver'd his MefTage to the Lady. 
 As foon as they head it, they fet up fuch 
 a Shout •, bawling out, a Fool ! a Fool ! 
 a Fool indeed. The Cry was heard by 
 Lady Greenfy^ who happen'd at that 
 Time to be in the Library, liftning to 
 her Chaplain's Definition of a Fool, or 
 Ideot. 
 
 Hearing
 
 TOM FOOL. 247 
 
 Hearing the Word Fool repeated fo 
 plain and forcibly, fne begg'd Mr. Rec- 
 tor wou'd haften into the Hall, for 
 Heaven's Sake, and enquire if they really 
 had got a Fool among them ; for a Fool, 
 fhe tuld the Chaplain, of all Creatures, 
 . was what fhe moillong'd to be acquaint- 
 ed with. 
 
 Down Stairs he defcended, promifing 
 her Ladylhip, that he wou'd demand a 
 categorical Reafon, for the inflantaneous 
 Vociferation of her Ladyfhip's Dome- 
 fticks. To amufe herfelf till his Return, 
 fhe retired into her Cordial Clofet. 
 
 To amufe the Reader, during the mo- 
 mentous Celfation of this adive Hif- 
 tory, he fhall be informed who Lady 
 Greenfy was, and the Reafon of her extra- 
 ordinary Curiofity. 
 
 Her maiden Name was ^rcU)\ and 
 fhe was taken from Boarding- fchool at 
 fourteen Years ot Age, to be married to 
 Aldrrman Chedder^ the great Cheefe 
 Factor, Mizx. ^g. He was a very in- 
 dulgent Hufband to her, but yet fhe 
 bege'd feveral Times, before they had 
 been married a Twelvemonth, to be car- 
 ried to the Boarding-fchool again. 
 
 To amufe her, he took he** to his 
 
 Eflate ia fVales, and there fhe diverted 
 
 M 4 herfelf
 
 248 The History of 
 herfclf v/ith catching Bntterfiies, build- 
 ing Baby-houfes, and playing at Battle- 
 dore and Shuttlecock. 
 
 Her Spoufe left off Trade entirely, 
 and iiv'd wholly with his young Wife : 
 But want of Employment, or Change of 
 Air, o^ JFelch Ah^ or catching Cold, or 
 fbmething or another, (for Phyficians 
 are not always clear in their account- 
 ing for the Origin of Didempers) 
 he grew dropfical, and died in thrae 
 Years after his Marriage j leaving ?v4a- 
 dam Chtdder, a young, handfome, weal- 
 thy Widow. 
 
 . At her return to London^ fhe grew 
 pen five i often fighing, for fear fhe 
 Ihou'd be obiig'd to leave all her Riches 
 to Strangers. She wiih'd jfhe had a Child 
 of her own, but was determined not to 
 marry in a Hurry •, fuch Stories fhe had 
 heard of Fortune-iiunters. But then, to 
 have one without marrying ? The Sin, 
 and the Shame of that. — It happened fooa 
 after her return to London^ that fhe took 
 particular Notice, at a City Feafl, of a 
 Gentleman, who was a very jolly, honefl 
 Fellow. He fung feveral Songs, told 
 feveral Stories, play'd a great many 
 Tricks, and was indeed the Life, Soul, 
 and Fiddle of the Company. 
 
 That
 
 TOM FOOL. 249 
 
 That Evening an Appointment was 
 made, and fhe confented to come in 
 cog. and breakfall with him the next 
 Day. 
 
 It was impoflible among jolly Fellows, 
 to keep any thing good to themfelves. 
 That very Night, he found out a Set of 
 his Particulars, to whom he communi- 
 cated his good Fortune. 
 
 Bumpers went about to his Succefs ; 
 he drank her Health, in half a Dozen 
 half Pints ; and about Seven in the 
 Morning, the Chairman, by the Help of 
 his Servant, dragg'd him up Stairs : 
 And he was laid acrofs the Bed, in 
 that Stace of Stupefaction, fpeciRed un- 
 der the Article, dead Drunk. — 
 
 Madam Chedder lay awake moft Part 
 of the Night, refleci:ing on the agree- 
 able Tete a Tete fhc Ihou'd enjoy next 
 Morning ; and having, as fhe was or- 
 dered, been call'd up at Seven \ and put- 
 ting on one of her Servant's Gowns and 
 Cloaks, hailed to the Rendefvous. 
 
 But judge her Surprife, when fhe fa w 
 her Adonis^ with his Cloaths half torn off 
 his Back, his Face and Hands cover'd 
 with Mud, his Stockings about his 
 Heels, his Cheeks bruifed. Lips cut, 
 and no Sign of Life in him, but what a 
 
 deep
 
 250 The History of 
 
 deep Snore, now and then ifTuing from 
 his unclean Noilrils, indicated. 
 
 Piqued to Death fhe left him, deter- 
 mined within herfelf to defpife all Man- 
 kind. 
 
 But Sir Panfy Greenf)\ the Week fol- 
 lowing, prevented her from being deter- 
 minate in her Refolutions. 
 
 Sir Greenfy was really a fine Gentle- 
 man, delicate in his Drefs, delicate ia 
 his Completion, delicate in his Speech j 
 in a Word, he was immenfely delicate. 
 He was juft return'd from the grand 
 Tour-, and all his Acquaintance, Depen- 
 dants, and Tutors, pronounced him a 
 finiih'd Character. When Madam Ched- 
 dergzvt him her Hand, he was juft turned 
 twenty-feven Years of Age. But the 
 Debaucheries of London^ Leghorn^ Paris^ 
 &c. had rendered the Baronet impotent. 
 The Wedding indeed was celebrated 
 with the utmoft Magnificence, wou'd we 
 cou'd fay it was folemnis'd, as much to 
 the Satisfadlion of the Lady — no — his 
 Title (he wedded, his Title only fhe -en- 
 joyed. At his Deceafe, which happen- 
 ed in about eighteen Months, after her 
 being nominally married to him, (as 
 fhe ufed to call it) fhe retired into the 
 Country, an abfolute Man-hatcr \ like 
 
 an
 
 TOM FOOL. 25! 
 
 an innocent Countryman, who, having 
 been trick'd by one, or two, of the 
 peddling Jews^ fv/ears the whole Hebrew 
 Nation are Cheats. 
 
 The very Evening before Tom had 
 the two half Crowns fent him, fhe had 
 been at a neighbouring Lady's Houfe, 
 upon a Chrillening Vifit. It is com- 
 mon, when Ship-mailers meet together, 
 to talk about Sailing-, when Players get 
 together they fpeak Tragedy Speeches ; 
 and when GofTips pufh the Cawdle-bowl 
 about, the Converfation is always on the 
 Occafion that brought them together. 
 
 At this Convivial, Lady Gresnfy heard 
 two elderly Ladies expatiate upon Ideors 
 and Fools •, and what furprizing Crea- 
 tures they were \ and told fuch Stories 
 of them, as to their own Knowledge, 
 they protefted were true •, that my Lady 
 Greenfy vowed a Secret, but fervent Vow, 
 that if Money cou'd purchafe a Fool, 
 fhe wou'd not be without one. It was 
 on that Subjed fhe was queftioning her 
 Chaplain, when her Servants open'd in 
 full Cry, as before- mentioned. 
 
 Upon the Chaplain's Return, fhe de- 
 manded eagerly. Is ther-e a Fool below ? 
 
 " Not identically my Ladf^ (the good 
 Man replied) the Clamour among tbe Me- 
 nials
 
 252 The History of 
 
 nials arofe from the Folly of that poor Crea- 
 ture^ who is hired hy the Parifh^ as a 
 Scare-crow. He has fent hack the Money 
 
 your Ladyfhip ordered Tet let me fup- 
 
 plicate your Ladyfhip^ not to take it in Dif- 
 dain. 
 
 Lady, 
 
 Well, but Mr. Reclor, is he really a 
 Fool ? An Ideot ? 
 
 Re^or. 
 
 Does he not defpife Money ? Has he 
 not refufed your Ladyfhip's Prefent ? 
 But let me deprecate your Anger, be 
 not accelerate in your Revenge upon 
 fuch a Reptile. 
 
 Lady, 
 
 But yet, Sir, you have not convinced 
 me, that he is really a Fool. 
 
 Re5lDr, 
 
 If your Ladyfhip will permit me, 1 
 will abitradedly demonftrate, that he is 
 an Ideot j and thus I form my Syl- 
 logifm.— 
 
 Lady Greenfy wou'd not attend the 
 Confequence, but, ordering the Game- 
 keeper to attend her, fhe was refolved to 
 
 be
 
 TOM FOOL. 253 
 
 be fatisfied, by talking to the Fellow 
 herfelf. 
 
 Mr. Redor proffer'd his Service to 
 attend her, but fhe politely refufed him ; 
 hinting, at the fame Time, that his Pre- 
 fence might be more neceflary, in look- 
 ing after the Haunch of Venifon. 
 
 CHAP.
 
 254 The History of 
 
 CHAP. XXX. 
 
 LADY Greenfy foon met with ^om 
 FogI\ — fhe alked him feveral Quef- 
 tions, and very critically furveyed his 
 Figure. She Hked his Replies immenfe- 
 Jy, and vaftly admired his Completion. 
 Then fhe began to enquire very particu- 
 larly into "Tom Fool's bringing up -, and 
 fent the Game-keeper back, with Or- 
 des not to have Dinner ferved up till 
 Four o'clock. 
 
 But as fhe was converfing with Tom, 
 the Sky began to lour, the Rain fell, 
 the Wind blew, and Black and all Black 
 look'd the South Horizon. 
 
 She was forced to retreat into the Ho- 
 vel for Shelter ; and young Fij?^/ with her. 
 
 Thus we read, in a Book of the Ro- 
 man Hiftory, how j^neas. Captain of a 
 Privateer, and Widow Dido^ the Bridle- 
 cutter, fecreted themfelves. 
 
 The Turret Clock ftruck Four, the 
 Sauces were pour'd out, and the Fifh 
 drain'd, the Venifon Paper fcorch'd, the 
 Cook fwearing, the Chaplain fretting, 
 her Ladyfl:iip's Servants difpatched fe- 
 veral Ways, to fee that no Mifchief had 
 befallen her. 
 
 But in the midfl of this Diilradlion, 
 Lady Greenfy appeared in Sight, walking 
 
 coolly
 
 TOM FOOL. 255 
 
 coolly up the Terrace, leading Tom Fool 
 in her Hand \ and immediately ordered 
 the Steward to drels Tcm Fool in fome of 
 her late Hufhand's Cloaths, and let him 
 and Dinner be brought up together. 
 
 With what Remarks this wa^ execu- 
 ted by the Servants, is beneath the Dig- 
 nity of an Hiftorian to relate. — But when 
 Mr. Fool appear'd in her Ladylliip's 
 Sight, clean and fine drefs'd, fhe cou'd 
 not help turning to her Woman, and, 
 
 in a half Whiiper, break out, Sufan^ 
 
 port Onner he's an Angel. The Chaplain 
 was ordered to attend, and marry her 
 and young Fool immediately. 
 
 The good Man was under great Sur- 
 prize, he had entertain'd fome diftant 
 Hopes, of being inducted into that Pre- 
 ferment himfelf ; but it was over j fhe was 
 deaf to Expoftulations.— She wou'd be 
 obey'd •, and the W edding was that Night 
 celebrated. 
 
 Her Ladyfhip's Opinion concerning 
 Mankind (as Sufan a Day or two after- 
 wards prefumed to enquire) was alter'd ; 
 the Lady %'ery gracioufly acknowledg'd ; 
 but yet to her Dying-day fhe infifled on 
 it ; That no Man izms worth marrying but 
 a Fool, 
 
 Th^ End of Vol L
 
 /