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“HUMBUG!” 
 
 Ji Contdrg, 
 
 IN TWO ACTS. 
 
 BY 
 
 F. C. BURNAND, Esq. 
 
 [Member of the Dramatic Authots 9 Society.'] 
 
 AUTHOR OF 
 
 Patient Penelope, or The Return of Ulysees; Ixion, or the Man at the 
 Wheel; Alonzo the Brave, or Faust and the Fair Imogene ; Villikins and 
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 AND PART AUTHOR OF 
 
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 St. Tropez ; Easy Shaving, etc., etc. 
 
 THOMAS HAILES LACY 
 89, STRAND, LONDON. 
 
HUMBUG. 
 
 First Performed at the New Royalty Theatre , (under the 
 management of Miss M. Oliver ), on Thursday , 
 December 19, 1867. „ 
 
 [ The idea of this piece was partly derived from the Comedy 
 of “ Les Faux Bonshommes” but the plot is, in other 
 respects, entirely original .] 
 
 CHARACTERS. 
 
 *Duke of Cliffborough . 
 Lord Bradstock . 
 
 Mr. John Kegg 
 Vincent Wen ham, Esq. 
 
 Sir Simon Holt 
 
 Mr. Carfax 
 Dryesdale . 
 
 Lawrence Dolan, Esq, 
 Augustus Sawder 
 Aylmer Trafford 
 Edward Eursden 
 Sandars 
 
 f {of Holt, Capel, ) 
 { Sf Co . BanJcers) j 
 
 J (Artists) | 
 
 Mr. M. D. Fairfield 
 Mr. Siddons 
 Mr, J. W. Bay 
 Mr. E. Daovers 
 
 Mr. Percy Charles 
 
 Mr. Kenward 
 Mr. Cobbett 
 Mr. J. Bussell 
 Miss Fowler 
 Mr. Philip Day 
 Mr. J. Dewar 
 Master Wright 
 
 Mrs- Sawder .... Mrs. J. Bouse 
 Gertrude Kegg .... Miss Kelly Bromley 
 Beatrice Kegg .... Carlotta Addison 
 
 * This character in speaking invariably repeats liis last words. 
 
 Time while in representation — One hour and twenty 
 Minutes. 
 
 Costumes of the day. 
 

 SCENE. — Morning Room at “ The Priory 99 on the Thames 
 near Richmond. The large ivindow at the bach opens on to 
 the garden and in the distance is a view of the meadows , 
 a parh , the river , and the opposite bank. Good sized 
 door to the room , l. — a conservatory R. from 1st 
 grooves to join R. flat . The room is furnished with 
 great taste. There are pictures on the walls — statuettes on 
 brackets — articles of vertu , arranged about , chairs , sofas, 
 stools , 3fc. The time of the year is supposed to be about 
 the middle of June. Upon an easel R. is placed a half - 
 finished, half-length portrait of Mr. Kegg in volunteer 
 " uniform. 
 
 Aylmer Trafford discovered standing by the open window at 
 back , R., Edward seated L., with a photograph book in his 
 hand at table , and Dryesdale looking over his shoulder . 
 Table and two chairs up stage, R. Fauteuil, c. 
 
 Edward, {seated r. of table, L.) Yes, Mr. Dryesdale, I 
 - • shall put your portrait in as one among the lucky ones in 
 this book. 
 
 Dryes. [going up to Aylmer) Ho ! Mr. Fursden ! he 
 calls me lucky, Mr. Trafford. 
 
 Traff. So you are, if Mr. Kegg lets you have the old 
 Keep for a mere song. 
 
 Dryes. (going down R.) The old Keep ! a ruin ! a tumble 
 down old ruin : valuable to a poor antiquary like myself ! 
 Edward. The very place for artists. 
 
 Dryes. Not worth a sixpence to any one — a few curious 
 old manuscripts, parchments, old volumes that have not 
 
4 
 
 HUMBUG. 
 
 [Act 1 
 
 aeen the light for years. To grub among them is only a 
 labour of love to me — nothing more — I haven’t the good 
 fortune to paint pictures. 
 
 Edward. Selling them is the point: 
 
 Drtes. (Xing to L. and takes u'p liis hat from table , L.) 
 Mercenary view, my dear Mr. Fursden. But I must go to 
 the old tumble down place — I shall see you again when I 
 come in to meet Mr. Kegg’s lawyer about this, good morn- 
 ing, I may say I’m going — he, he, he, I’m going to my 
 ruin, he, he, he. (exit c. and r. 
 
 Edward. Going to his ruin ! old humbug ! a speculator 
 in antiquarian dust bins, who often finds a diamond in the 
 heap. Old Kegg will let him have the place for nothing 
 because the fellow’s got a name, and a tenant like that 
 throws a lustre upon the enlightened landlord. 
 
 Traff. Then he is not a collector for love P 
 
 Edward. No, it’s a business. Before now he’s found 
 valuable old family records, and has been handsomely paid 
 to keep his discoveries to himself. 
 
 Traff. But Ned you are very fond of setting down every- 
 one as a humbug. 
 
 Edward. Most people belong to the house of Humbug. 
 We’re in an atmosphere of it now. It’s like ozone in the 
 air, and I begin to think we can’t exist without it. 
 
 Traff. (Xing to c. and sitting on fauteuil) Excepting 
 exceptions. 
 
 Edward. We’re not exceptions if you mean that. You’ve 
 been three months over that portrait of old Kegg, but 
 paint him as you will, you’ll never exhibit him in the 
 catalogue as “ Portrait of Mr. John Kegg, by his son-in- 
 law, Aylmer Trafford.” 
 
 Traff. Nor will you make Miss Beatrice Kegg into Mrs. 
 Edward Fursden. 
 
 Edward. I don’t wish it ; I was fascinated when I first 
 saw her, but she’s a mercenary little beggar and thinks of 
 nothing but money and a title. 
 
 Traff. Gertrude is different. 
 
 Edward. Perhaps so, but it will be all the same in the 
 end as far as you’re concerned. Kegg is a humbug, and 
 a weak-minded old humbug too, but everything he’s 
 touched, from blacking to building, has turned into gold, 
 and his daughters are not going to be a losing speculation. 
 
 Trafp. You’re not encouraging. 
 
 Edward. I should be if I wanted you to humbug your- 
 self — what chance have you against this man? For 
 
HUMBUG, 
 
 5 
 
 Act 1] 
 
 instance, ( showing photograph) a son-in-law after Kegg’s 
 own heart, who speculates on the turf under a false name 
 so that he may gamble respectably in the city in his own. 
 
 Traff. Lord Bradstock. 
 
 Edward. Yes, and the portrait at his back is Sir Simeon 
 Holt, of Holt, Capel & Co., Bankers, who makes a con- 
 siderable capital of his public piety and a “ serious ” 
 reputation ! Humbugs, humbugs, humbugs, living on 
 one another like the animalculse in a drop of Thames 
 water. 
 
 Traff. Let’s look. (Edward gives him the booh and rises) 
 Come, Dolan isn’t a bad fellow. 
 
 Edward, (at bach of fauteuil , loohing over Aylmer) A 
 hearty humbug. Noise goes a great way towards a 
 character for honesty. 
 
 Traff. Carfax, the solicitor. 
 
 Edward. A humbug who finds that caution swells a bill. 
 (Gertrude appears in the conservatory r.) 
 
 Traff. (loohing at another) I give Mrs. Sander up — 
 she’s a humbug with Kegg for the sake of her son marry - 
 Miss Beatrice, (loohs at another) Yincent Wenham. 
 
 Edward, (coming down l. c., and taking the booh) Wenham 
 — ducued good likeness — a disagreeable humbug, who 
 praises you one moment (during Edward’s speech Trafford 
 joins Gertrude and they talh together) to abuse you the 
 next. It’s like the game of sticks, when a man puts a doll 
 on a pedestal for the pleasure of knocking it down again 
 afterwards, (puts booh on table L., as Miss Beatrice enters' 
 by L. door.) 
 
 Beat, (down c.) The easel is on the lawm and so is my 
 horse, Mr. Fursden. 
 
 Edward. ( Xing over to easel R., tahes up paint-box , Sfc., 
 and goes to R. of fauteuil , caching them up) I am quite 
 ready, Miss Beatrice. (Beatrice sees Gertrude and Traf- 
 ford in the conservatory .) 
 
 Beat, (c., evidently annoyed) It’s too bad of Gertrude ! 
 one would almost think your friend, Mr. Trafford, was 
 proposing to my sister. 
 
 Edward, (r. c., sarcastically) Oh, impossible. 
 
 Beat. It is impossible, she is engaged to Lord Brad- 
 stock, and if she were not, papa would never hear of such 
 a mis-alliance. 
 
 Edward. Perhaps he would never hear of it. 
 
 Beat. Then she would have nothing. And w'hat can 
 she do without a carriage and horses. 
 
6 
 
 HUMBUG. 
 
 [Act 1 
 
 Edward, (r. c.) Walk. 
 
 Beat. (l. c.) Walk! 
 
 Edward. Or go in an omnibus. 
 
 Beat. Gertrude in an omnibus ! 
 
 Edward. And Trafford on the knifeboard. There’s a 
 picture ! 
 
 Beat. Knifeboard! vulgar. 
 
 Kegg. ( without ) Don’t let me bring you in ! 
 
 Beat. Here’s papa, (in a sharp tone to attract liGr sister's 
 attention) Gertrude ! (Gertrude joins Beatrice up stage R., 
 who appears to remonstrate with her — Gertrude hisses her , 
 and evidently tries to pacify her . Traeeord comes down R., 
 and prepares his paints , fyc. — Edward, down R. corner , 
 speahs earnestly to Traeeord. Enter Kegg, pointing out 
 the view to Dolan — Wenham salutes the Ladies and comes 
 downs. — Dolan and Kegg c., Kegg sits l. near c., Traeeord 
 commences painting — all enter c. from L.) 
 
 Dolan, (up stage , R. c.) Your father has a charming 
 place here, Miss Kegg — ’tis a paradise with a couple of 
 Eves. 
 
 Wenham. (down l.) Dolan is right, it is delightful — 
 admirable ! 
 
 Edward, (r. corner , aside to Trafford) Wenham’s put 
 the doll on the pedestal. 
 
 Wenham. Only — (stops as if considering the view.) 
 
 Edward, (r. corner , aside to Traeeord) How he’ll knock 
 it off again. 
 
 Wenham. (continuing) Only I don’t think much of the 
 view. In fact there can be no real distance without 
 mountains ; you may say what you like about it, but it’s 
 flat, flat ; besides, I should say it was damp. This whole 
 place must have been a swamp once, (exeunt Gertrude and 
 Beatrice, fog window at bach, followed by Edward off c. 
 and l.) 
 
 Kegg. (seated l. c.) It suits me well enough, I’m not 
 pretensious — ’tisn’t as if I was a duke. 
 
 Wenham. (l.) True, quite true ; you could buy up many 
 a marquis, or a duke either. (Kegg flattered) And yet what 
 I like in you, Kegg, is, that you never forget there was a 
 time you had nothing. 
 
 Kegg. (uncomfortable) Yes, yes. 
 
 Wenham. You’re not too proud to own you rose from 
 being a common shoeblack, and it does you credit — and it 
 does you credit ! 
 
 Kegg. (aside — annoyed) Damn the credit. 
 
Act 1] 
 
 HUMBUG. 
 
 7 
 
 Wes ham. You hold your position among men of rank, 
 and can patronise the arts and sciences, although I don’t 
 mind saying it before your face, what I say behind your 
 back, you never had any sort of educational advantages, 
 in fact, had no education at all. (Ksss fidgets, Wenham goes 
 up, and then X ’s over to R. c.) 
 
 Traee. You’ve moved, Mr. Kegg. 
 
 Dolan, (up stage , L. c.) That’s true, sir, he has moved, 
 and we’re proud of him ; ^England’s proud of him, so’s 
 Ireland, so’s 
 
 Enter Mrs. Sawder, bij window, from R. 
 
 Ah, Mrs. Sawder ! this is a pleasure. Our friend is sitting 
 for his portrait and looks about as happy as if it was his 
 teeth and not his face that was being drawn. He’ll smile 
 again on seeing you, ma’am. 
 
 Enter Augustus, through c. from R. 
 
 Mrs. S. (down R. c., seeing Kegg about to rise ) Don’t 
 move, I wouldn’t have anyone decomposed on my account. 
 If cousins can’t come in and out of each other’s houses 
 without ceremony, what’s the use of living in the country ? 
 I’ve brought my work, I shan’t say a word. And my dear 
 Augustus who’s home for the vacation — that's the college 
 phrase for holidays — will go and talk with tLe dear girls 
 in the garden. Beatrice is there, Augustus. 
 
 August, (aside) Hate girls, (sitting on fauteuil, l. c.) 
 
 Mrs. S. (talcing out her work and sitting on fauteuil, 
 R. c.) You haven’t said good morning to your uncle, I was 
 just going to say, your father-in-law. 
 
 Wenham. (downR. corner, aside to Trafeord) The wish 
 was father-in-law to the thought. 
 
 Kegg. I can’t talk now. 
 
 Mrs. S. And how is the picture getting on ? 
 
 Dolan. ’Tis a speaking likeness, ma’am, though the 
 original has to keep so quiet. 
 
 Mrs. S. It’s consoling to think that your features will 
 be handed down to prosperity. 
 
 Wenham. (extreme R.) Very, it’s a good picture — there’s 
 no mistaking it for anyone else. 
 
 Dolan, (a little up stage, L.) Which is a great thing in a 
 portrait. 
 
 Wenham. Only somehow it’s not Kegg. (x’s R. c.) 
 
 Traee. Then, Mr. Wenham, it fails in its object. 
 
8 humbug. [Act 1 
 
 Weniiam. (it. c.) No, I don’t say that, only the subject is 
 not inspiring. 
 
 Trapp. I shan’t get inspiration from Mr. Wenham. 
 (Wenham goes up R. c.) 
 
 Kegg. He can’t paint if you talk. 
 
 Mrs. S. ( suddenly seeing Augustus is asleep , pricks him) 
 Augustus ! L know you’re longing to go and talk to dear 
 Beatrice. There go, go, I won’t keep you. 
 
 August. Very well, mother, [aside) I shall go and 
 smoke. ( exit R. in conservatory . 
 
 Mrs. S. Ah, what a pair they’ll make. “ Sure such a 
 pair.” What is it the poet says — dear me ! Augustus and 
 Beatrice, A. B. ; I love my love with an A, because he’s 
 Augustus ; I love my love with aB, because she’s Beatrice. 
 We’ve all played it. 
 
 Dolan, (who has got up stage behind fauteuil) Sure, 
 ma’am, I think there’s mighty little play in that game. 
 
 Mrs. S. You’re right, you’re right, and dear John must 
 think seriously about settling Beatrice. 
 
 Kegg. Yes, when Gertrude’s married. 
 
 Mrs. S. Ah ! then it is settled ; to Lord Bradstock ! 
 (Trafpord gives a perceptible start and smudges the picture.) 
 
 Wenham. ( going down to picture , R.) Hullo ! (Kegg 
 starts.) 
 
 Traff. Nothing ; merely an effect in shadow — sit still. 
 
 Mrs. S. Of course it’s a great thing for Gertrude to be 
 Lady Bradstock. 
 
 Kegg. It’s not that alone, but he’s a thorough man of 
 business. In one day he’s made a fortune. All young 
 noblemen and honourables go into business now. 
 
 Dolan. Maybe that’s a good thing for the dishonourables. 
 
 Kegg. I’ve e’en heard of a Duke who’s taken to the 
 wine trade. 
 
 Wenham. (r. goes up r. c.) Yes: as the only way of 
 keeping his head above water. 
 
 Mrs. S. Poor Augustus is no Duke, he’s not in business, 
 but you know John, he’ll be very well off. 
 
 Kegg. We’ll settle about Augustus and Beatrice when 
 Gertrude’s married. 
 
 Mrs. S. That’s a promise, John: a promise, Mr. Wenham, 
 so kind — so like you. 
 
 Traff. It’s more than the picture will be, if we’re not 
 more quiet. 
 
 Dolan, (up stage R. c., looking off , l.) Sure the sitting in 
 the garden is finished — it’s a capital notion, Miss Beatrico 
 being taken on horseback. 
 
Act 1] 
 
 HUMBUG. 
 
 9 
 
 Wenham. (who by this time is down L.) Excellent; only 
 she can’t ride. 
 
 Dolan. Why, then the more reason she should have the 
 practice. 
 
 Wenham. (at l. table) Yes, only I wonder at Fursden 
 attempting it, he’s not an animal painter. 
 
 Trait. Then Mr. Wenham won’t go to him for a portrait. 
 
 Enter Gertrude, Beatrice and Edward, c. from l. 
 
 Wenham. (l.) I don’t say that. He’s an excellent 
 colourist only. 
 
 Beat. It’s getting near luncheon time, papa. You’ve 
 got a lot of people coming down : you’ll never be ready. 
 
 Trait, (looking at Gertrude) Only five minutes more. 
 (Edward gets down R.) 
 
 Dolan, (r. c., up stage) Luncheon ! that reminds me. 
 (as if going — Wenham gets over R. up stage.) 
 
 Gert. I wish you’d been able to stop. 
 
 Dolan. Ah ! I can’t refuse you, Miss Gertrude. I'll stop 
 to luncheon with pleasure, but it’s a bargain that ye 
 mustn’t press me for dinner, for there’ll be no denying you. 
 (Wenham takes Dolan’s bag off chair up stage r., puts it in 
 Dolan’s hand) But I’ve brought my bag with me in case 
 of an accident. 
 
 Enter Sandars, c .from l. 
 
 Sand. Lord Bradstock and Sir Simeon Holt. 
 
 Enter Lord Bradstock, followed by Sir Simeon, c. from l. 
 
 Lord B. (r. c.) Ah, Miss Beatrice, Miss Gertrude, my 
 dear sir! (over to l. c. — Sandars shoivs Dolan out, c., and 
 Off , L., who gives him his bag to carry. ) 
 
 Beat. (l. c. up stage) Papa, mayn’t speak. 
 
 Traef. (r.) Smile slightly, thank you. (to Kegg.) 
 
 Sir S. (to Kegg, by table l.) You’ll excuse my not having 
 accepted your kind invitation for last Sunday. I beg your 
 pardon, (to Beatrice) But I like to be a little unworldly on 
 one day in the week, and I do not approve of Sunday 
 travelling. 
 
 Edward, (r. — to Trafford, aside) He does sixty per cent, 
 privately : of course he objects to Sunday travelling : it’s 
 the only chance his clients have of getting away. 
 
 Sir S. (l.) I’m sure that Lord Bradstock’s future father- 
 in-law, if I may call him so 
 
 Lord B. (xing to Kegg, l. c.) I believe I may call you 
 father-in-law. 
 
 Kegg. (about to rise) My dear Lord 
 
10 humbug. [Act 1 
 
 Traff. (r.) Don’t speak. (Mrs. Sawder and Wen ham get 
 up c. Lord Bradstock sits l. c. on fauteuil.) 
 
 Lord B. (to Gertrude, who is sitting on fauteuil) I beg 
 pardon. (£o Trafford) You admired that bracelet the other 
 day. I have ventured to bring it for your approval ; if 
 you will honour me by accepting it I may hope to see 
 on the day of our marriage. 
 
 Traff. There, the sitting is at an end now. (Kegg rises 
 and shalces hands, first with Sir Simeon, who is l., then with 
 Lord Bradstock, who is now c.) 
 
 Mrs. S. (to Weniiam) Charming young man, Lord 
 Bradstock. 
 
 Wenham. Yery, very, most charming, only — (whispers, 
 she takes his arm , they turn , go up, and out together, c. and 
 off L. — Gertrude is now down by picture, R.) 
 
 Kegg. (to Lord Bradstock) Then you’ve seen Carfax ? 
 
 Lord B. (r. c.) Your solicitor ? Yes, he’ll be down here 
 to-day. 
 
 Kegg. About the conveyance of an old ruin on the 
 estate, (to Dryesdale — Edward is now up stage R. Beatrice 
 joins him) Wonderfully clever man, Drysdale, in his line. 
 
 Lord B. Yes, he’s a clever man ; but what I wanted to 
 say to } T ou was, that as he’s here we ought to — that is, we 
 might go into the question of settlements. (Sir Simeon 
 listens attentively , L.) 
 
 Kegg. Yes. (hesitates) Yes. It’s about settlements, eh, 
 Sir Simeon ? (Trafford and Gertrude exit into conserva- 
 tory, R.) 
 
 Sir S. (l.) The sooner concluded the better (piously) upon 
 the very highest grounds. 
 
 Kegg. (r. c.) Eh, the highest P 
 
 Lord B. (c.) Decidedly. It removes anxiety — say, on 
 paper, of course, fifty thousand pounds, and have done 
 with it. 
 
 Kegg. My dear lord, we fixed thirty thousand pounds, 
 can’t give a penny more. (Kegg leads Beatrice down to 
 fauteuil — Edward goes down L.) 
 
 Lord B. My dear sir, the question is 
 
 Sir S. (l.) Pardon, one moment, (to Bradstock aside) 
 Don’t budge an inch. Bring him, and twenty thousand 
 pounds into our Consolidated Credit and Perpetual 
 Finance Company, and we’re quits. 
 
 Lord B. (l. c.) If not? 
 
 Sir S. We must protect ourselves. It is our duty — 
 some one must suffer. But there are consolations, (goes 
 up l. — Lord Bradstock and Kegg talk up stage R.) 
 
HUMBUG. 
 
 11 
 
 Act l] 
 
 Edward, (who has gone over to L.) This is out-humbugging 
 humbug. 
 
 Lord B. Now, my dear Mr. Kegg, will settle. 
 
 Kegg. I’m a man of my word, thirty thousand pounds — 
 we’ll put it in black and white if you like. (Sm Simeon 
 goes up , then presently out c , Lokd Bkadstock tallcs earnestly 
 to Kegg — Beatrice seated c., Edward speaks to her so as 
 to distract her attention from Gertrude and Tr afford) 
 
 Gert. (r. to Trafford) You are thoughtful ! 
 
 Traff. (r.) I am losing all hope. 
 
 Gert. Do you think I could marry Lord Bradstock ? 
 
 Ed'ward. (l. c.) It was a very handsome bracelet. 
 
 Beat. (c. seated ) And Gertrude didn’t even admire it. 
 I wish he’d given it to me. I’d accept the bracelet, and 
 him too, if he offered. 
 
 Kegg. {Xing to L.) Come, girls, I shall be ready for 
 luncheon before you now. ( exit l. d. — Lord Bradstock 
 offers his arm to Gertrude, while Trafford presses her 
 disengaged hand) 
 
 Beat. To-morrow morning again, I suppose ? 
 
 Edward, {up stage L. c.) Yes, Trafford and myself will 
 come some part of the way —on the omnibus. (Bradstock 
 leads Gertrude to door — exit Gertrude and Beatrice, l. — 
 Lord Bradstock sits considering and making calculations 
 in his hook L. of table , L.) 
 
 Traff. (r.) I suppose we must go. 
 
 Edward, (l. c.) Yes, art is supposed to be divine, and 
 therefore is not asked in to luncheon. 
 
 Traff. I wish I could contrive some means of remain- 
 ing here. But seriously, the picture does want a touch or 
 two before I go. 
 
 Edward. Humbug ! You’d better spoil it for to-morrow, 
 like the crossing-sweeper who shuts up shop at night by 
 brushing all the mud over the path again. 
 
 Enter Dryesdale with Carfax c. from l. down to l. table. 
 
 Dryes. {at table L.) Of course, Mr. Carfax, I can’t remove 
 any papers until the place is mine. 
 
 Carfax, {at table L.) I can draw up a case for you and 
 get the opinion of counsel. 
 
 Dryes. It’s not worth while. I was only supposing — 
 merely supposing that the sort of paper I mention should 
 happen to be there, why I shall have great pleasure in 
 offering you my professional assistance, {opens papers and 
 looks to pen and ink — Edward overhearing , directs Traf- 
 ford’ s attention) 
 
 UNIVERSITY OF ILUNOl* 
 LIBRARY 
 
12 humbug. [Act 1 
 
 Lord B. (disarranged by Carfax) You’ve done what I 
 asked about the settlements ? 
 
 j Enter Kegg, l. 
 
 Carfax. I have brought the drafts for approval. 
 
 Kegg. (down c.) Ah ! (pulls out his spectacles) 
 
 Enter Mrs. Sawder, c. from l. 
 
 Mrs. S. Now, dear John, immediately this is done we 
 can settle — why not here ? — the marriage of dear Beatrice 
 and Augustus ! 
 
 Kegg. Oh, I see, the conveyance, (round tables., at back 
 of table stands Carfax, l. of table Bradstock — r. of table is 
 seated Kegg, at his back is Dryesdale, andonhis r. is Mrs. 
 Sawder. These places are perpetually being changed according 
 to whatever the interest of the different parties in the document 
 Kegg is reading) 
 
 Dryes. (r. of Kegg to the others) Won’t take up any 
 time. The Keep is a mere ruin, filled with old rubbish. 
 Scarcely an acre of ground where perhaps one may find an 
 old medal or Roman spoon. I think you ought to give me 
 a premium for taking it. (laughs) 
 
 Edward, (r. to Trafford) Going, going (r.) 
 
 Kegg. A hundred pounds. (Carfax bows) 
 
 Enter Sir Simeon, l. 
 
 Dryes. A hundred? My dear Mr. Kegg, you who 
 could afford to give it me ! I was prepared for thirty or 
 forty. 
 
 Sir S. (as Kegg moves his chair impatiently comes in 
 between him and the table) A minute, (to the others) I won’t 
 detain him a minute, (to Kegg, bringing him forward) You 
 know I say avoid all speculation, it’s rash and hazardous, 
 and city men, I grieve to say, are sadly deficient in true 
 Christian principles. Now I want to recommend to you as 
 a friend, [for I wouldn’t do it for any one else, a good 
 substantial investment, our Consolidated Credit and Per* 
 petual Financial Banking Company. 
 
 Kegg. I trust you, Sir Simeon, but I really 
 
 Sir S. Quite right to be cautious, but you may be a 
 little over-cautious. I’ll let you into the secret. The 
 Company’s mismanaged, the secretary grossly incapable, 
 the directors mere dummies, the shares to bo had at a 
 great loss. I know they can’t meet their engagements on 
 behalf of Mattock and Swampy’s Yokohama contract. 
 The consolidate credit fails. Mattock fails, there’s a panic 
 
Act 1] 
 
 HUMBUG. 
 
 13 
 
 in the city, the bank will give us assistance, then in we 
 come, the Di ex machina, if I may use a pagan illustra- 
 tion, we have the capital, the market is ours, and in a few 
 months time we receive a thousand per cent, for our 
 money — its clear. 
 
 Kegg. Its grand. It’ll take all my available funds. 
 
 Sir S.^It will take all mine, it will take all Capel’s who 
 will be in with us ; but ( solemnly ) I shouldn’t advise 
 you to embark in anything that I couldn’t honestly go into 
 myself. You can command two hundred thousand pounds, 
 we only want it in reserve. 
 
 Kegg. (bach to table , L.) Well, just let me settle this 
 
 Carfax. The conveyance, (giving him paper) 
 
 Dryes. (insinuatingly) Forty! It’s not worth twenty. 
 
 Carfax. I beg your pardon, sir, I’ve given you the 
 settlement draft. 
 
 Lord B. Come Mr. Kegg, there can be no question 
 about it, fifty thousand pounds. 
 
 Mrs. S. And the same for Beatrice. 
 
 Kegg. Eh ? 
 
 Sir S. If you sign, this will authorise me to act for 
 you. 
 
 Carfax. Better take the opinion of counsel. 
 
 Sir S. I must return to town immediately. 
 
 Lord B. | 
 
 and l Well, let’s finish the settlements first. 
 
 Mrs. S. ] 
 
 Dryes. No, no, the conveyance. 
 
 Sir S. It is stamped. 
 
 Carfax, (seeing Kegg utterly bothered) Let’s take one 
 thing at a time. 
 
 Enter Wenham, c. from L. 
 
 Wenham. (down r. c.) Luncheon. 
 
 Kegg. (rising) Thank heaven ! we’ll settle it all after- 
 wards — m 3 7 daughters are waiting — Sir Simeon, will you 
 take my cousin ? (all exeunt door L. — Kegg is following last , 
 when Sandars enters from c. and gives him a letter. Kegg, 
 X. c., seeing Trafford, who has by this time put the picture up 
 stage R. and returned) Shan’t be able to sit any more to-day, 
 Mr. Trafford, sorry I can’t ask you to stay dinner, for we 
 shall be quite full. 
 
 Edward, (at table R., aside) Yes, after luncheon. 
 
 Kegg. (l. c.) Not room to squeeze in a pin’s head, even 
 if it had a coronet on it. Hullo ! {reads letter) “ My dear Mr. 
 
 B 
 
14 
 
 HUMBUG. 
 
 [Act 1 
 
 K egg — In consequence of certain recent mineral discoveries 
 in my Cornwall property where you wished to become a 
 purchaser, I cannot accede to the original proposition.” 
 What a fool I was not to have it in black and white. “But 
 as I am interested in a new scheme affecting your part of 
 the country, it will be as well for me to call on you to-day 
 and talk matters over to our mutual advantage. Yours, 
 &c., Cliffborough.” Sandars, let me know the instant the 
 Duke of Cliffborough arrives. 
 
 Traff. (r., to Edward) The Duke of Cliffborough! 
 ( sarcastically ) He’s my uncle. 
 
 Kegg. Eh ? 
 
 Edward, (r. c.) The Duke of Cliffborough is Mr. Trafford’s 
 uncle. 
 
 Kegg. (getting c., Edward down l.) Eh, why ? Then, 
 bless my soul, you’re his nephew. 
 
 Trafe. So it ought to follow, of course, but 
 
 Kegg. ( 'pursuing his own line of thought ) Of course it 
 ought, but you don’t talk about it — why the duke’s the 
 richest man in England, property everywhere, half of 
 London is his — they say he’s got three thousand pounds a 
 day — and his fortune is managed by two or three com- 
 mittees. 
 
 Traff. Everyone knows he’s very rich. 
 
 Kegg. And no children. 
 
 Edward, (l.) A bachelor, no nephews or nieces. 
 
 Kegg. (c.) Ho? 
 
 Traff. (r.) I believe I’m his only existing relative, and 
 yet the difficulty of my position is this 
 
 Kegg. Quite so, I understand, if everyone knew it, you’d 
 be inundated by beggars, place-hunters, toadies, of course 
 you would be, as his favourite nephew, his heir, why you’ll 
 be a duke some day, dear me, dear me. His Grace is 
 coming here, he’ll stop dinner, you must meet him. 
 
 Traff. I must explain. There has been a dispute be- 
 tween my father and his 
 
 Kegg. I see, a coolness. P’raps you would take to 
 painting, or did something to offend him. 
 
 Traff. It’s a question of family 
 
 Kegg. A family quarrel ! bah ! a famous idea I’ll bring 
 you together and smooth matters. You’ll stay to dinner. 
 
 Traff. But we shall be crowding your table, you said 
 so just now. 
 
 Kegg. Yes, yes, but I didn’t know 
 
 Edward. That the duke was coming. 
 
HUMBUG. 
 
 15 
 
 Act 1] 
 
 Kegg. Quite so. I must make a place for him, so why 
 not for two more ? 
 
 Edward. For me ? I’m not a duke’s nephew. 
 
 Kegg. But you’re his friend — I mean — but there, what 
 matters rank and money, Art in itself confers nobility. 
 (Xing to table c. and rings bell) You’ll both stop. 
 
 Enter Sandars, l. d. 
 
 Take these gentlemen’s bags to the blue room, they’ll 
 sleep here. 
 
 Edward, (who gets c. when Kegg x’s to L.) Our things 
 are at the inn, the Blue Pig. 
 
 Kegg. (l.) At the inn! Sandars send at once, (exit 
 Sandars l. door) What’s the good of being in the country if 
 you can’t be hospitable, (aside) Perhaps the Cornwall pro- 
 perty can’t be sold without his consent. Ahem ! (aloud) The 
 idea, ha, ha ! of my paying the Duke of Cliffborough’s 
 nephew for a picture. 
 
 Edward, (aside) Stick it on, Aylmer. ( goes up stage.) 
 
 Kegg. The duke is thinking of buying property here — 
 strangely enough a small part of this was once the Cliff- 
 borough Estate, it changed hands about a century and 
 a-half ago, and I’m actually selling a tumble-down old 
 ruin that was part of the castle, this very day, he, he, he, 
 your property. 
 
 Edward. ( down c.) What? the old Keep? (aside) We’ll 
 cut Dryesdale out. All’s fair in love and humbug, (aloud 
 to Kegg) The fact is, though my friend is too modest to 
 mention it, he has taken a great fancy to the old Keep, and 
 — (apart to Kegg) Think if you could — you understand. 
 
 Kegg. (ringing bell on l. table) My dear sir, I’m obliged 
 to you for mentioning it. (to Sandars, who enters l. d.) 
 Tell Mr. Carfax I want him. ( exit Sandars, l. d.) Dryes- 
 dale says its of no value, not thirty pounds. He knows 
 all about these things, I don’t; but I dare say it’s an 
 artistic fancy. Duke’s nephews can indulge their fancies. 
 
 Enter Carfax, l. d., Kegg shows him conveyance. 
 
 Traff. (r.) He’s not such a bad old fellow. 
 
 Edward, (r. c.) Ho, no, there’s a great deal of good to 
 be got out of him. 
 
 Carfax, (athead of l. table) Better take counsel’s opinion. 
 
 Kegg. (r. of l. table) It’s not worth asking money for. 
 Insert the name of the duke’s nephew. 
 
 Carfax. Eh? 
 
16 
 
 HUMBUG. 
 
 fACT 1 
 
 Kegg. Mr. Trafford. 
 
 Traff. (xing to l. c.) And join my friend's to it. He 
 suggested it. 
 
 Kegg. Good— -quite a business idea — a sort of bonus 
 for the promoter. Add Mr. Edward Fursden. 
 
 Carfax. A valuable conson must pass between the 
 parties, a mere matter of form — a shilling will do. 
 
 Edward. Sixpence each. (Kegg rings bell,) 
 
 Enter Sanders — Carfax wliisjpers to him, 
 
 Kegg. I only wish I'd known it before, (to Carfax asi de) 
 Duke of Cliff borough, to buy for a speculation ; got his 
 own nephew in the property. Well meet in friendly 
 term. (Kegg delivers it — he goes over to R., after signing — 
 Trafford signs next, then Edward — Sandars last , who goes 
 off immediately after , l. d. — Trafford takes deed and gives 
 it to Edward.) 
 
 Traff. (getting l. c.) It is really most kind. 
 
 Kegg. (over R.) Not at all — is there anything else ? 
 
 Edward, (c., aside to him) Yes, now’s your time. 
 
 Traff. I can’t. 
 
 Edward. Nonsense. I’m going to take possession of 
 our property — I’m going to the common ruin. 
 
 (exit c. at back, and of L, 
 
 Traff. (l. c., looking towards Carfax and speaking to 
 Kegg) I should like to say a few words to you privately, 
 Mr. Kegg. (Carfax bows , and retires l. d.) 
 
 Kegg. (r. c.) Now, my dear Mr. Trafford, what is itP 
 
 Traff. (nervously) It is in your power, Mr. Kegg, to 
 make me a happy man. 
 
 Kegg. Name it, my dear sir, name it. Won’t you sit ? 
 I’ve sat to you long enough. ( laughs , sits c.) 
 
 Traff. (l. c.) It is a difficult subject to— in fact — I — I 
 can only say that I am — in love. 
 
 Kegg. And it’s in my power — you don’t mean 
 
 Traff. I think, sir, you have guessed it. 
 
 Kegg. A daughter of mine ? 
 
 Traff. Yes, sir, I am afraid I must plead guilty to some 
 deception, but I was afraid you would not permit 
 
 Kegg. (rises) My dear Mr. Trafford, do you think I’ve 
 not noticed it ? We old men are not such fools as we look. 
 I’m not a hard-hearted father, my daughter’s happiness is 
 my first care. I might have hesitated 
 
 Traff. Before you knew me. 
 
 Kegg. Naturally ; not simply because you were not rich. 
 
HUMBUG. 
 
 17 
 
 Act 1] 
 
 or without a title, for a man who’s a mister to-day maybe 
 a Duke to-morrow and a millionaire into the bargain, that 
 makes no difference to me, ( shaking his hand) and if my 
 dear Beatrice 
 
 Traf f. Yes, yes. ( nervously ) I was — speaking of Miss 
 Gertrude. 
 
 Kegg. Hey ? why ! Gertrude ! that’s awkward — she’s 
 promised to Lord Bradstock — it’s all arranged you couldn’t 
 make it, Beatrice P 
 
 Traff. (l. c.) My dear sir 
 
 Kegg. (r. c.) No, of course, not : it’s put me in such an 
 awkward position, though as to promises there’s nothing 
 down in black and white — I’m not bound — but 
 
 Traff. You are obliged to refuse ? 
 
 Kegg. No, I don’t say that. Let me think (aside) Duke 
 of Cliff borough, an enormous future, I can’t lose such a 
 son-in-law ; and I dare say Bradstock would take Beatrice. 
 I’ve got it, (aloud) you have probably heard that I can give 
 my daughter, £50,000 a-piece. 
 
 Traff. You surely don’t suppose 
 
 Kegg. That you believe such a thing ? Certainly not, I 
 can’t do it. I have other uses for my money, and ahem, 
 to come to the point I can only give Gertrude £25,000. 
 
 Traff. It is a matter of perfect indifference to me. 
 
 Kegg. Of course it is, of course to a man like you. (aside) 
 I ought to have made it £20,000. (aloud) Almost an insult 
 to mention it. Therefore if we settle £20,000. 
 
 Traff. Twenty, fifteen, ten, anything you like, nothing. 
 
 Kegg. Nothing? No, no, I couldn’t allow — £10,000 is 
 the very lowest I can hear of. Then it is settled £10,000. 
 
 Traff. My dear . sir, (shahes his hand — going up stage) 
 Miss Gertrude is in the garden, may I tell her ? 
 
 Kegg. You shall shake hands with the Duke to-day. I’ll 
 bring it about. Have you any idea what he’d give you? 
 
 Traff. (not following his question) Anything you like, I 
 leave it all to you. (up stage.) 
 
 Kegg. I’ll go and tell Carfax to alter the settlements. 
 (exit L. d. — as Kegg is going out , Edward enters c. from L., 
 carrying some old parchments — Tr afford meets him , and 
 says a word to him. Edward stops astonished.) 
 
 Edward, (c. up stage) Accepted ! old Kegg ! 
 
 Wenham. (entering L. c. — down l.) Accepted what? a 
 bill? 
 
 Traff. (c.) No, me as the husband of Miss Gertrude. 
 
 Wenham. (l.) Eh ? no, he’s not been in to luncheon. 
 
18 HUMBUG. |A° T 1 
 
 Edward, {at table, r. up stage, ivitli papers) But did you 
 come to a question of money ? 
 
 Traff. (c.) Yes, he’s no humbug. He settles £10,000 
 on her. 
 
 Edward, (r. table) It sounds generous. 
 
 Wenham. (l.) Very generous : only he saves £40,000 by 
 it. 
 
 Edward. Saves? 
 
 Wenham. Yes, he was to have given Bradstock £50,000. 
 
 Traff. Oh, confound Bradstock. (exit hastily , c. and L. 
 
 Wenham. (l.) Odd. 
 
 Edward. Very. 
 
 Wenham. If true. 
 
 Edward, (up at table , R.) TrafEord wouldn’t tell a lie. 
 
 Wenham. Oh, of course not, of course not. Only it does 
 sound deuced improbable. I wonder where Bradstock is ? 
 
 Edward, (opening his papers) He’ll know sooner or later. 
 
 Wenham. (l. c.) Quite so : only it would be friendly to 
 tell him at once. By the way, Dryesdale’s gone perfectly 
 wild at your having taken possession of the old Keep. 
 
 Edward. Did you mention that I’d found his valuable 
 parchments ? 
 
 Enter Carfax, l. d. 
 
 Wenham. (l.) Oh, yes, I thought he’d like to hear it all. 
 He swears he’ll go to law. 
 
 Carfax, (down c.) I told him just now that I’d draw up 
 a case for counsel’s opinion. 
 
 Edward. I think there’ll be some work for you here, Mr. 
 Carfax (Carfax goes ton. of table , up stage y l.) if you’ll give 
 your attention to these papers. I can see they’re important, 
 but what their legal value is you can decide better than I 
 can. (during the above , Wenham has gone up c., and as he 
 is leaving is met by Beatrice, who speaks to him hastily , 
 then comes down angrily. Wenham looks at her as if amused) 
 
 Beat. I can’t believe it. (to Wenham — exit Wenham, l. 
 c.) Papa give his consent to her marrying a penniless 
 painter ? It’s some deep scheme, and you my father’s 
 adviser, Mr. Carfax ! 
 
 Carfax, (r. of table) My dear young lady 
 
 Edward, (l. of table) You forget Miss Beatrice that the 
 penniless painter is my friend 
 
 Beat. (l. c.) I’m not likely to forget it. 
 
 Edward, (comes forward , R. c.) And the superior of any 
 member of this family in birth and everything, excepting 
 money. 
 
HUMBUG. 
 
 19 
 
 Act 1J 
 
 Beat. (l. c.) And so he has graciously condescended to 
 accept the one thing necessary to his perfection from us 
 who are so far beneath him. How kind ! 
 
 Edward, (r. c.) I can make excuses, Miss Beatrice, for 
 you 
 
 Beat. Thank you : you will want them all for your 
 friend and yourself. If he was Lord Bradstock’s equal he’d 
 call him out and shoot him — I will speak to papa at once. 
 
 Carfax. Here he is : with the Duke of Cliffborough. 
 (Edward goes bach to table , R.) 
 
 Enter Kegg and the Duke of Cliffborough, a soft spoken 
 man from L. door. 
 
 Duke, (l.) You see, my dear Mr. Kegg, the value of 
 property has never varied so much as in these times. 
 
 Kegg. (l. c.) My daughter, Beatrice, your grace, (intro- 
 duces her.) 
 
 Duke, (bows and resumes) Never so much as in these 
 times. (Carfax rises.) 
 
 Kegg. (l. c.) Don’t move, Mr. Carfax. (Carfax resumes 
 Ms seat) Your grace, Mr. Eursden, a great friend of some 
 one of whom we will speak presently. 
 
 Duke, (bows and resumes — sits L.) Never so much as in 
 these times. You (siueetly) want land in Cornwall, I want 
 it here. What did you say ? (as if Kegg had spoken.) 
 
 Kegg. Nothing, your grace. 
 
 Edward, (aside to Tkafford) He’s like a punch doll. 
 
 Duke. Eh? 
 
 Kegg. I didn’t speak, your grace. 
 
 Duke. Oh, my mistake, (sweetly) I thought you said 
 something, so we can meet each other half way. I have a 
 bill to come before the committee for a new line, and in 
 connection with that a Barge and Wharf Company for the 
 conveyance of goods by river — you follow me. 
 
 Kegg. By river, yes. 
 
 Duke, (inclining his head and resuming) Goods by river, 
 and another company for the establishment of a magnificent 
 Hostelrie — a hotel upon the largest and complete scale 
 possible for the vast influx of visitors. You are certain of 
 a mine of gold from the lead in Cornwall, we take the 
 chance of a mine of gold in the meadow land here. 
 
 Kegg. (l. c.) If I understand your grace rightly, it is 
 my property that this will affect. 
 
 Duke. Precisely. There is a corner of the estate which, 
 oddly enough, was once in the possession of our family, a 
 
20 
 
 HUMBUG. 
 
 [Act 1 
 
 valueless bit of waste ground now, there is nothing but 
 the ruin of the old Keep standing— shall I say standing or 
 falling — upon it. (Carfax draws Edward’s attention to the 
 papers before them) Eh? I beg your pardon, I thought you 
 said something. Now you will not oppose us ; no, you 
 will join forces with us. 
 
 Kegg. I am glad to say, your Grace, that there won’t be 
 much difficulty in fully meeting your views. And if that 
 old Keep is the site you’ve fixed upon for the hotel 
 
 Duke. For the hotel, yes, yes. ( sweetly and slowly .) 
 
 Kegg. Why the fact is, I have, only this day, given it 
 away. 
 
 Duke. ( slowly ) Given it away. 
 
 Kegg. To, in short, to your Grace’s nephew. 
 
 Duke. ( regarding Kegg curiously f and smiling most 
 sweetly) My nephew ? 
 
 Kegg. And more than that, if your Grace has no reason 
 for withholding your sanction, he is to marry my eldest 
 daughter, Gertrude. 
 
 Duke, (as before ) Eldest daughter, Gertrude ! A most 
 fortunate young man ; but 
 
 Kegg. “But” — I know what your Grace is going to 
 say 
 
 Duke, (as before) Go on, my dear Mr. Kegg, go on. 
 “You knew I was going to say ” 
 
 Kegg. That there was some coolness between you, but 
 I’ve undertaken to smooth all difficulties, and I’m sure, 
 under the circumstances, your Grace is the last man to 
 refuse to shake hands with your own nephew. Why, if 
 you did refuse, after all I’ve promised to do in the way of 
 peacemaking, I should look a perfect old fool. 
 
 Duke, (very sweetly) Perfect old fool ! Oh no, no, no, 
 not that . But, my dear Mr. Kegg 
 
 Kegg. Your Grace. 
 
 Duke. Excuse the question — perhaps it’s my stupidity — 
 but who is it you are talking about ? 
 
 Kegg. Your Grace’s nephew. 
 
 Duke. Oh ! (very sweetly) And who is my nephew ? 
 
 Beat. Ha! 
 
 Kegg. Why your Grace has but one ; and though you 
 assume this air of coldness, I am sure you would not allow 
 a mere quarrel to separate relations for a lifetime. 
 
 Duke, (sweetly) You are quite right. 
 
 Kegg. Forgive and forget. 
 
 Duke, (sweetly) Quite so, quite so. 
 
Act 1] 
 
 HUMBUG. 
 
 21 
 
 Kegg. You forgive him P 
 
 Duke. I do ; and what is more, Mr. Kegg, (very sweetly) 
 I quite forget him. 
 
 Kegg. Oh, you can’t forget him. 
 
 Duke. You’re right, my dear Mr. Kegg, you’re always 
 right — I don’t forget him, because I don’t even remember 
 the existence of such a person. 
 
 Beat. ( who has been seated R. on fauteuil c. rises during 
 the above dialogue ) An impostor ! what a scandal ! 
 
 Kegg. S-s-s-h, be quiet. But does your Grace deny that 
 Mr. Aylmer Trafford 
 
 Duke, (rises) Oh, I see ! Mr. Trafford’ s father disputed 
 my title, and, I believe, ruined himself in legal proceedings. 
 The question — I will not trouble you with details — turned 
 upon the proof of the second duke’s marriage. The 
 precious document they relied upon to establish their case 
 was not forthcoming. It’s existence, I need hardly say, 
 was a myth. Mr. Trafford may have our blood in his 
 veins, but he can scarcely expect me either to acknowledge 
 or befriend him. 
 
 Kegg. But good heavens ! I’ve — you don’t mean 
 
 Entefr Lord Bradstock and Sir Simeon Holt, from l. d. 
 
 Sir S. (at door l.) Ask him. 
 
 Lord B. (down l.) Is it true that you’ve broken your 
 promise to me ? 
 
 Beat. Yes. 
 
 Kegg. (c., to her) Ss-s-h, be quiet, (to him) Ho, no, that 
 is — I mean, in a way — it wasn’t in black and white. 
 
 Beat. You have been shamefully treated. 
 
 Lord B. If Miss Beatrice thinks that I could make her 
 happy — (to Kegg — aside) Fifty thousand pounds. 
 
 Beat. (R. c.) If I thought I could repair the scandal — 
 
 Lord B. (xing to R. c.) You consent? (takes her 
 hand,) 
 
 Enter Mrs. Sawder, c. from l., and Wenham, r. 
 
 Kegg. (c., gradually more and more distracted) But 
 there’s no necessity. 
 
 Mrs. S. (down l. c.) Oh, John! you know it was to be 
 Augustus and Beatrice. 
 
 Beat, (disdainfully) Augustus ! 
 
 Enter Dryesdale, wildly , c. 
 
 Kegg. (to Mrs. Sawder) You misunderstand ; I said 
 when Gertrude was settled, she isn’t settled, that is 
 
22 
 
 HTJMBTTG. 
 
 [Act 1 
 
 Dr yes. (r. c.) Is it true P 
 
 Kegg. (l. c.) Oh dear! 
 
 Wenham. (r., up stage) Here’s another. 
 
 Dryes. That you’ve sold the ruined Keep after promising; 
 it to me. 
 
 Kegg. I didn’t promise. It wasn’t in black and white, 
 ask Carfax. 
 
 Carfax, (at table R.) Better get counsel’s opinion. 
 
 Dryes. Hang counsel’s — (Carfax shows him the old 
 'parchments in Edward’s hand , and Dryesdale is petrified — 
 Edward signs to him to be silent.) 
 
 Duke, (going) I suppose you’ll scarcely be able to decide 
 now. 
 
 Sir S. ( between Kegg and Mrs. Sawder) The financial 
 matter is settled of course. 
 
 Lord B. (r. c.) Fifty thousand pounds with either. 
 
 Mrs. S. (l.) Beatrice and Augustus. 
 
 Beat, (r.) Papa ! decide something. 
 
 All. (but Edward) { My deaf John. 
 
 Kegg, (c., distracted) Heavenly powers ! 
 
 Enter Miss Gertrude and Tr afford. 
 
 Miss G. (r. of Kegg) My dear kind papa ! 
 
 Traff. (l. of Kegg) My dear father-in-law ! 
 
 Kegg. (c.) I’m not your father-in-law any more than the 
 duke is your uncle. 
 
 Traff. (l. c.) Mr. Kegg ! 
 
 Kegg. (c.) You’ve deceived me, sir. 
 
 Miss G. (sinks on seat, c.) Papa ! 
 
 Traff. (l. c.) Stop, sir ; you gave me your word here 
 not half an hour ago. 
 
 Kegg. Yes, but it wasn’t binding — it wasn’t in black 
 and white. 
 
 Traff. If you would avail yourself of such a subter- 
 fuge. 
 
 Kegg. Subterfuge ! why you said you were the duke’s 
 nephew, that you’d be a duke some day. 
 
 Edward, (up R.) Well, if he did (is restrained by 
 
 Carfax and Dryesdale.) 
 
 MissB. (r. c., to him) The police van, not the omnibus. 
 
 Kegg. The duke disowns you. 
 
 Traff. I never said he would acknowledge me — you 
 jumped at your own conclusions, wouldn’t hear me, and 
 
Act 1] 
 
 HUMBUG. 
 
 23 
 
 undertook to reconcile us, and you gave me to understand 
 that you had it in your power to do so. 
 
 Kegg. (c.) You haven’t behaved as a gentleman. 
 
 Traff. (l. c.) You dare to say that, you who were ready 
 to speculate in my love, as I now find, for your own 
 advantage, and were doubly glad to accept me because 
 you’d save forty thousand pounds by it. 
 
 Lord B. (at back, R. c.) What ? 
 
 Kegg. It’s false. 
 
 Traff. It’s true. I told you then I’d take her with 
 nothing. 
 
 Kegg. I was a fool not to have seen there was something 
 wrong when you made such a preposterous offer. It’s all 
 over, and the sooner you leave my house the better, (gets 
 over R.) 
 
 Traff. (l. c.) Perhaps so, good bye Gertrude. 
 
 Kegg. (r.) Don’t call my daughter Gertrude. 
 
 Miss B. (r. c.) Impudence! 
 
 Mrs. S. Horrid ! 
 
 Traff. ’Tis better that I should go now. 
 
 Miss G. (l. c-.) Aylmer, you trust me ? 
 
 Traff. ( hisses her) You know I do. 
 
 Kegg. (r.) Here, don’t do that. 
 
 Beat. (r. c.) Gertrude! you disgrace yourself. 
 
 Traff. {going up) I shall hold your father to his word — 
 and to be under no obligation, I shall return you the con- 
 veyance of the old Keep. 
 
 Dryes. {jumping forward , R.) You’ve me given the 
 refusal. 
 
 Duke, (l.) I can make an offer. 
 
 Edward, (down R.) Stop, I am joint proprietor and I 
 withhold my consent. 
 
 Traff. (up l. c.) Edward! 
 
 Edward, (aside) I’ll explain; it’s for your good, (x’s 
 in front up to Tr afford, l. c.) 
 
 Traff. (up c.) Again good-bye, dear Gertrude. 
 
 Gert. Dear Aylmer, (they embrace,) 
 
 Kegg. (c., in a fearful pass ion) Leave the house! here 
 Sandars, where’s the bell, where’s 
 
 Enter Sandars with two travelling bags , from L. d. 
 Sand, (up stage , l.) I’ve brought the two gentlemen’s 
 things, from the Blue Pig. 
 
 Kegg. (utterly losing himself) D — n the things ! D — n 
 the Blue Pig ! leave the house. (Dolan enters hurriedly 
 with napkin as if from luncheon , L. door } and remains up 
 
24 
 
 HUMBUG. 
 
 [Act 2 
 
 stage L. — Tbaffobd, c., takes astep towards Gebtbude, Beat- 
 bice withholds her , and she falls weeping on Beatbice’s neck , 
 L. c. Edwabd stands at window waving Tbaffobd away ; Kegg, 
 b. c., in a fit of rage on fauteuil, Mbs. Sawdeb leaning over 
 liim , Wenham b. c., between him and Tbaffobd — Dbyesdale 
 with Cabfax, b., Lobd Bbadstock up b., Sib Simeon l., 
 and Duke l. corner.) 
 
 END OF ACT THE FIBST. 
 
 ACT II. 
 
 SCENE. — The interior of the Old Keep , partially restored . 
 B. flat a large window with a staircase behind leading 
 off B., backed by country — a return piece down c. of stage 
 L. flat a large arch cross from c. to L. backed by exterior . 
 Table and chair against return piece dozen c., chairs. — in 
 B. division of stage — a chair L. division . 
 
 Edwabd discovered leaning over Beatbice, who is seated I., 
 giving her a painting lesson — and through a Norman em- 
 brasure in the wall is seen Augustus, sitting smoking a 
 short pipe on steps behind b. flat. Augustus looks in 
 from above. 
 
 August. I say, Mr. Fursden ! I say, Mr. Fursden ! shie 
 up a cushion, will you ? (Edwabd x ’s to the b. division and 
 gets one) When you were making this queer old Keep of 
 yours habitable, you didn’t allow for sitting comfortably 
 on the top of the walls, {catches the cushion) Thank you. 
 
 Edwabd. Getting this place from Mr. Kegg was a piece 
 of good luck, and I'm not going to grumble at it. 
 
 Beat, {seated l.) I think you’ve done wonders to it. 
 Edwabd. (back to Beatbice, l.) 1 think I see the effect 
 of a lady’s taste here and there, the chair you embroidered 
 is the most comfortable I’ve ever sat in. 
 
 Beat. There’s very little of my embroidery on it. But 
 you certainly have effected a wonderful change in a short 
 time. 
 
 Edwabd. Yes ; and I’ve seen a more wonderful change 
 than that since I’ve been here, (a pause) You’re letting 
 the colour run. 
 
 Beat. I’m afraid this painting lesson will be the last I 
 
Atc 2] 
 
 HUMBUG. 
 
 25 
 
 shall have for some time. Papa and Gertrude return from 
 Paris to-day. 
 
 Edward. They’ve been away nearly two months. 
 
 Beat. Two ! more than four. 
 
 Edward. Ah! 
 
 August. 4 ‘There’s a sweet little cherub that sits up 
 aloft,” but he has only caught a glimpse of one arrival. 
 
 'Enter a Boy, carrying a carpet-bag , R. bach of flat. 
 
 Boy. (r. at bach) Letter for Mr. Eursden. 
 
 August. Pitch the bag up here, (catches it , the Bor X ’s 
 to L. flat and gives Edward a letter) I thought it was an old 
 friend. ( reads brass plate on bag) Lawrence Dolan, Esq. 
 (throws it down again) Where to ? 
 
 Boy. Mr. Kegg’s, sir, the Priory. Mr. Dolan don’t go 
 nowhere else down here. (exit with bag L. 
 
 Edward. One may be certain the carcase is not far off, 
 as a social vulture has put in an appearance. Humbugs 
 and toadies are always playing the Ogre’s game. 
 
 “ Eee,fi, fo, fum, 
 
 (Augustus enters through window and sits R. 
 I smell the gold of a wealthy man, 
 
 Take him alive and let him be bled, 
 
 I’ll grind his bones to make my bread.” 
 
 Beat. Do you think papa’s friends such ogres ? 
 
 Edward. Yes, from the Castle of Humbug. 
 
 August. ( seated r.) I say, Mr. Fursden. 
 
 Edward. ( imitating — sits L. of R. division) What do you 
 say, Mr. Sawder, (laughing) Drop the mister — say Ned. 
 
 August. Well, Ned — I say it’s been all very well while 
 my maternity’s been keeping house for Beaty’s governor. 
 
 Edward. What’s been all very well ? 
 
 August. Why, these drawing lessons here. 
 
 Beat. ’Gus! 
 
 August. Oh, don’t humbug, as Ned says, we’ve enough 
 of that'up at the other shop, But look here, my mother 
 thinks that we two, Beaty and I, go out spooning together, 
 and that Beaty’s society breaks me of that horrid habit of 
 smoking. 
 
 Edward. Well ? 
 
 Augsut. (puffing) Well ; the spooning’s done, the 
 smoking’s done, and the maternity’s done. It’s her fault 
 if she likes to humbug herself about me and Beaty, isn’t 
 it ? But I think there’ll be a difficulty when governor 
 
 C 
 
26 
 
 HUMBUG. 
 
 [Act 2 
 
 Kegg and Gerty return. D’ye see ? How’s that, umpire ? 
 Just turn it over in your mind while I replenish, (goes 
 bach to steps behind windoiv, R., fills and smokes.) 
 
 Edward, (over l.) It is very kind of him. Is it three 
 months ago since you took your first lesson, (thoughtfully.) 
 
 Beat, (l.) Yes, a few days after Gertrude had quite 
 recovered from her illness and had set off with papa for 
 France. I had promised her I’d send her news of Aylmer, 
 and I thought my best informant would be yourself. 
 
 Edward, (c.) He is coming down here to-day. He says 
 nothing more in his letter. 
 
 Beat. (l. c.) Gertrude loves him very dearly. 
 
 Edward. And you were so much against him. 
 
 Beat. I told Gertrude when we thought she was dying, 
 how sorry I was for my mercenary, cruel conduct. I made 
 a vow to myself that if she got well I would do my best to 
 bring about their mutual happiness, for I am certain that 
 it does not depend on money and rank. 
 
 Edward, (c.) Do you indeed think that — but on your 
 sister's refusal you — in fact — you are now, I believe, 
 engaged to Lord Bradstock ? 
 
 August, (jumps up suddenly) Oh! (burns his hand with 
 pipe) “ Thou art the cause of this anguish, my mother.” 
 (hands the pipe to Edward, and stands by Beatrice, r., zuho 
 goes to him up stage l., Edward c.) 
 
 Enter Mrs. Sawder, l. c., and down l. c. 
 
 Mrs. S. Augustus ! Augustus ! there’s a picture, Mr. 
 Fursden, what shall we call it, the Two Doves or Cupid 
 and Sukey ? (x ’s to c., Edward over l. — sniffs) I declare I 
 smell tobacco, 1 hope, my dear Beatrice, you’ve not been 
 weak enough to allow Augustus to smoke. 
 
 Edward, (l. c., producing pipe) Here is the offending 
 instrument. 
 
 Mrs. S. (r. c.) Ah ! an artist is privileged. “ Art,” as 
 the poet says — dear me, what does the poet say ? Odd — 
 and to think that I suspected you wrongly Augustus, come 
 and kiss me, my dear boy. 
 
 August, (at bach R. — aside) Yes. Ahem! not for 
 Joseph ! 
 
 Beat, (fomvard R.) I think I hear the pony chaise. 
 
 Mrs. S. Yes, your papa and Gertrude are stopping at 
 the stile. Come, Beaty ; come, Augustus dear, let us go 
 and welcome them, (exit Mrs. Sawder, followed at a 
 respectful distance by Augustus, l. c. and off l.) 
 
Act 2] 
 
 HUMBUG. 
 
 27 
 
 Beat. (l. c.) Good bye, Mr. Fursden. (coming bade from 
 L. arch.) 
 
 Edward, (r. c., taking her hand) I’m afraid it is a long 
 farewell. Good bye. (he detains her hand.) 
 
 Enter Gertrude, suddenly , c. from l. 
 
 Gert. Beatrice, (they embrace — exit Edward by the window 
 R. E. and X ’s behind and off , L.) 
 
 Beat. (l. c.) How well you are looking, Gerty. 
 
 Gert. (l. with intention) And what a colour you’ve got ; 
 Beaty. 
 
 Beat. Where did you last come from ? how’s papa ? Tell 
 me about everything. 
 
 Gert. We last came from Dover. Papa’s quite well, but 
 anxious about some business matters. And I can tell you 
 all about everything easier perhaps than you can. So Mr. 
 Fursden has been giving you lessons. 
 
 Beat. Yes, I told you so in my letters. Aylmer will be 
 here to-day. (over to R.) 
 
 Gert. Papa, who never allows what he calls ‘ 4 private 
 feelings ” to interfere with his business feelings, actually 
 wants to see him. 
 
 Beat. Wants to see him ! that’s strange. 
 
 Gert. But that is not so strange as forme to come home 
 and find this proud money-loving little sister of mine in 
 love with a poor artist. 
 
 Beat. Oh, Gertrude, it’s not fair. 
 
 Gert. But what has become of Lord Bradstock ; of 
 course he has released you from your promise. 
 
 Beat. Net formally. I have seen him occasionally but 
 Aunt Sawder during her regency has discouraged his 
 visits on account of her Augustus. 
 
 Enter Kegg, Wenham, Mrs. Sawder and Edward — Edward 
 goes to Gertrude, r. 
 
 Beat. (r. c.) My dear papa. 
 
 Mrs. S. (l. c.) What does the poet say, “ does not a 
 meeting like this ?” dear me. I forgot what a meeting 
 like this does. 
 
 Enter Dolan, and shakes hand warmly with Kegg, who goes 
 ug) r. to Edward. 
 
 Dolan, (c.) I’m delighted, and Miss Kegg, too. 
 
 Gert. (comes doivn R. c.) We have to thank you, Mr. 
 Dolan, for the newspaper you so regularly sent us lately. 
 
28 
 
 HUMBUG. 
 
 [Act 2 
 
 Dolan, (c.) Don’t mention it. ’Tis one we’ve lately 
 started. The “ Evening Pitcher ” will be a first-rate pro- 
 perty. Onr social notes signed “ little Pitcher ” supply a 
 want. There is not a word in it, madam, that can bring a 
 blush to the face of any of our readers. 
 
 Weniiam. (l. c.) Great praise : only it depends upon the 
 readers. 
 
 Dolan. We give news you won’t find in any other 
 journal. 
 
 Weniiam. That’s perfectly true. 
 
 Kegg. (i down R. c.) Yes, we read how Dryesdale’s dis- 
 covery of papers here affected Mr. Trafford’s claim to the 
 dukedom. 
 
 Dolan. Ah, you should have seen the contents bill of 
 that day, “ Romantic Ruin,” “ The Peer and the Painter.” 
 Extraordinary disclosures. We’ve kept up the excitement 
 in short stirring paragraphs ever since. 
 
 Kegg. We were also glad to read that Mr. Trafford had 
 succeeded so well with his new picture. For I am willing 
 to forget the past. We must forget and forgive Mr. 
 Fursden. 
 
 Wenham. Disinterested sentiment. 
 
 Kegg. (to Edward, who is up, r.) I should like to see you 
 Mr. Fursden for a few moments on a little matter of busi- 
 ness. (Edward and Gertrude crosses over to l.) 
 
 Wenham. Ah ! 
 
 Mrs. S. Come, dears, I dare say if we walk on we shall 
 have the escort of Augustus. He’s waiting for one of us. 
 (exeunt Mrs. Sawder, Gertrude and Beatrice, c. and l., 
 when they are of, Edward returns to steps hach of R. flat.) 
 
 Dolan, (l. c.) You talk of business, sir; the “ Pitcher ” 
 will be invaluable to you as a city man ; all the latest news. 
 We anticipate every other paper and get well into the 
 middle of the day after to-morrow with an eighth edition. 
 It occupies my time, sir, mightily, and I’ve been so busy 
 to-day that after receiving £5000 at 3.30: it was 4.30: 
 before I found out I was too late to do anything with it to- 
 day. But I’m in the way. 
 
 Kegg. (aside to him) No, you’re not. I’ll let you into a 
 secret — I am going to make a bid to get this old Keep back. 
 If I can shew him ready money perhaps I may succeed. 
 Have you got yours in notes ? 
 
 Dolan. A couple of those, the rest in cheques, 
 
 Kegg. Can you spare £2,000 till to-morrow morning? 
 
 Dolan. With pleasure, my boy. I’ll just go up to the 
 
HUMBUG. 
 
 29 
 
 Act 2] 
 
 house, and you shall have them immediately. By the way 
 you’re with Holt in his Yokohama tunnelling. Pick, 
 Mattock, & Co. have undertaken the contract. It’s gigantic 
 ye’ll make your fortunes a thousand times over. I’ll put 
 my name on the notes and they are at your service, [going 
 up l. with Kegg.) 
 
 Weniiam. (l.) And if your third edition is out I’ll go 
 down and get it at the station. 
 
 Dolan. Do, the afternoon’s nothing without it. [exeunt 
 Dolan, l., at bach , and Wenham throughh. arch and off, R.) 
 
 Ivegg. [sitting l. c.) How, Mr. Fursden. 
 
 Edward, [comes forward and sits R. c.) Now, sir. 
 
 Kegg. We must be honest with one another. 
 
 Edward. Decidedly, [aside) Now for a glorious piece of 
 humbug. 
 
 Kegg. To put it plainly then you got this most valuable 
 ruin and ground for nothing. 
 
 Edward. To put it equally plain it suited you to give 
 it us. 
 
 Enter Aylmer Trafford, at bach, R. 
 
 Kegg. But my dear sir, such a state of things must be 
 most unsatisfactory to so high-minded a couple of young 
 men, so straightforward, as yourself and Mr. Tralford. 
 
 Edward. You flatter us. 
 
 Kegg. Not at all. I came back from Paris on purpose. 
 
 Edward. To say this ? 
 
 Kegg. No, permit me — To ask if instead of litigating we 
 can’t settle this affair amicably ? 
 
 Aylmer Trafford during the above dialogue comes quietly 
 forward, R. 
 
 Traff. (r.) We can, quite amicably ; we don’t intend to 
 give it up. 
 
 Kegg. (l. c.) Not for one thousand pounds. It cost 
 you nothing. 
 
 Traff. (r.) Since w~e parted I’ve speculated and been 
 successful, I know the value of property. Now sir, either 
 this place is ours , or it is not. If not, we can’t sell it to 
 you. If it is, its worth more than two thousand pounds. 
 
 Kegg. More than two thousand pounds ? How do you 
 know that. 
 
 Traff. [xing c.) Because you offer one thousand 
 pounds. The fact is this, Mr. Kegg, when you accepted 
 me as a son-in-law, and afterwards turned me out of your 
 
HUMBUG. 
 
 30 
 
 [Act 2 
 
 house, I told you I would hold j^ou to your bargain and I 
 determined to gain money and title. 
 
 Kegg. (rises) Ah, I heard that Carfax had undertaken 
 your case on spec. 
 
 Traff. (r. c. ) He has, and successfully, so far. I went 
 into a promoter’s office, when among other companys which 
 I was rapidly enabled to bring out was the Cliff borough 
 Grand Hotel Company in conjunction with the duke’s new 
 line. He is on the ground now surveying — I haven’t 
 spoken to him yet — I found that this place was worth 
 
 Kegg. (l. c.) What — what — its what I’ve come from the 
 continent to hear — worth what ? 
 
 Traff. Anything we like to ask. 
 
 Kegg. Yes, but mayn’t you open your mouth a bit too 
 wide, like the dog who lost the bone. 
 
 Traff. The simile won’t hold. The dog snapped at a 
 sham bone and dropped the real — we’ve got the real and 
 mean to keep it — you are snapping at ours. We can’t lose 
 and may be enormous winners, (goes up R.) 
 
 Enter Wenham with newspaper , and Duke from R. at bach, 
 cross over and through l. flat. 
 
 Kegg. True ! What a fool I was to be humbugged in 
 parting with it. 
 
 Traff. (up) r.) Yes, but that’s past. 
 
 Edward, (r.) And gone. 
 
 Duke, (down c.) Mr. Traff ord — let me say at once that 
 four months ago I did you a great and unintentional 
 wrong. I came here to welcome you as my nephew. 
 Excuse us a minute, (they ivithdraiv apart , R.) 
 
 Kegg. (l. c.) Generous conduct. 
 
 Wenham, (l.) Very. Only you haven’t seen the third 
 edition of the “ Pitcher.” “ The Cliff borough Romance ! 
 right of the rising young artist to the Cliffborough title 
 being, as it is said, incontestably proved, will not furnish 
 matter for the gentlemen of the long robe. We hear that 
 a mutual arrangement has been entered into, whereby the 
 present possessor retains the title during his lifetime 
 which then descends to Mr. S. R. F. D., and his heirs.” 
 (goes up and gets to bach of R.) 
 
 Edward, (r.) Ah, I thought it was humbug, (goes up) 
 
 Kegg. (l.) Why he will be a duke — they’ll hold this 
 infernal property — the two dukes — a magnificent specula- 
 tion — a colossal fortune — (Xing c.) Stop, I see. (to Mr. 
 Trafford) Mr. Trafford, I am a man of my word 
 
HUMBUG. 
 
 31 
 
 Act 2] 
 
 Traff. When in black and white. 
 
 Kegg. (c.) I accepted you as my son-in-law, on certain 
 conditions, money and the prospect of title, for your 
 mutual happiness and comfort, not because 
 
 Traff. (r.) Well? 
 
 Kegg. (c.) Well ; now 
 
 Duke. v r.) I give him whatever he wants — afterwards 
 he is my heir. (Edward joins We:n ham, r.) 
 
 Kegg. (c.) Most satisfactory, and I’ll give Gertrude ten 
 thousand pounds. 
 
 Duke, (r.) Fifty thousand. 
 
 Kegg. Fifty thousand! I will, [aside) I’ll take it out of 
 Sir Simeon Holt, its a better investment. 
 
 Traff. [at table R.) As we know you like everything in 
 black and white, Carfax has drawn up this legal promise, 
 you may as well sign at once. 
 
 Kegg. [at table , R.) Quite a man of business, [he sigiis, 
 they witness.) 
 
 Edward, {at bach r to Tr afford) Gertrude is walking 
 towards the Priory with her aunt. 
 
 Traff. Then [taking the contract , Xing toL.) I will over- 
 take her with my edition of an evening paper. ( exit L. 
 
 Kegg. (c.) Well your grace, with this property in our 
 hands, we shall realise considerably. 
 
 Duke, (r.) My nephew and myself are our own company, 
 you may perhaps come in for one hundred thousand 
 pounds. 
 
 Kegg. Eh ? what ! into this — why — 
 
 Edward. (downL.) His grace forgets, though Alymer 
 does not, that I am still joint proprietor in the concern. 
 
 Duke, (r.) Hum. 
 
 Kegg. True ! 
 
 Edward, (l. c.) I may, perhaps, be bought out. 
 
 Kegg. (c.) At one hundred thousand pounds. 
 
 Edward, (l. c .) Ho, you may come in for that. Mine’s 
 a vested interest, I don’t go out under one hundred and 
 fifty thousand pounds. 
 
 Kegg. (c.) That’s business. We won’t go out under 
 
 Edward. Oh, you wish to come in ? 
 
 Kegg. Decidedly ! 
 
 Edward. Give me one hundred thousand pounds to come 
 out. (x’s to Duke, who is R.) 
 
 Kegg. Eh ? 
 
 Edward, [to Duke) Done in this matter, and one hundred 
 and fifty thousand pounds to go out, and that’s all ? [goes 
 up to Wenham at back) 
 
32 
 
 HUMBUG. 
 
 [Act 2. 
 
 Kegg. (r.) And this is an artist. 
 
 Duke. {Xing l.) I must see my nephew before anything 
 is done in this matter, {going up) 
 
 Enter Lord Bradstock running against him and Carfax 
 
 from l. c. — C arfax goes to table , R. c. — Edward and 
 
 Wenham X over and down L.) 
 
 Lord B. A hundred thousand pounds, I mean pardons, 
 my dear duke ! 
 
 Duke. Done in this matter. [exit L. and off R. 
 
 Lord B. Mr. Kegg, a word with you. {they go upR.) 
 
 Wenham. (l. aside to Edward showing paper) Bead that 
 sporting intelligence ! 
 
 Edward, (l. c.) “ Mr. Vandermillen hit heavily at New- 
 market. Loses about one hundred and fifty thousand 
 pounds. ” Well, what’s Vandermillen to me. 
 
 Wenham. (l.) To you he’s Lord Bradstock. Bead lower 
 down. “A marriage is on the tapis between Lord 
 B — r — s — k and the daughter of one of our wealthiest 
 merchants.” 
 
 Lord B. (r.) Miss Beatrice has given her word to accept 
 me. 
 
 Kegg. (c.) Ah, but it’s not in black and white. Gertrude 
 is Mrs. Trafford in black and white. 
 
 Enter Tkafford and Gertrude at bach l. and X over to R. 
 at bach . 
 
 Carfax. But it’s Miss Beatrice, his lordship says. 
 
 Kegg. With thirty thousand pounds. 
 
 Lord B. Eifty thousand pounds. 
 
 Enter Beatrice, l. c. — Wenham goes up l. c. looking off l. 
 
 Kegg. (c.) Thirty thousand pounds, take it or leave it. 
 
 Carfax, (r. aside to Lord Bradstock) Take it — she’s here. 
 
 Lord B. (r. c.) I take it, in black and white. Carfax has 
 it. (Carfax produces document) 
 
 Edward, {down l. aside) What can I do ? (Kegg examines 
 paper and signs at table R.) 
 
 Lord B. (r. takes contract from table and ' gets R. c.) Let 
 me say, Mr. Kegg {pretending ignorance of the lady's 
 presence) that my affection for your daughter is not founded 
 upon the sum of money you may give her, therefore I put 
 up with the manifest injustice, and only wish to take her 
 as she is. 
 
 Edward, {aside , going up to c.) A sacrifice to humbug, 
 will nothing stop this ? 
 
 Wenham. {aside to him) Nothing, except Mrs. Sawder 
 and Augustus. {exit Edward l. at back 
 
HUMBUG. 
 
 33 
 
 Act 2. | 
 
 Beat, (to Loud Bradstock) I have heard your generous 
 sentiments and they cause me a pang I had not expected to 
 feel. Four months ago, in a moment of impetuosity, and 
 pitying the apparently hard treatment you had received, I 
 promised I would be your lordship’s wife. 
 
 Kegg. (r.) It wasn’t in black and white. 
 
 Beat. But equally binding on my conscience. 
 
 Carfax, (at table, R. c ) She ought to take counsel’s opinion 
 
 Beat. It was a promise. 
 
 Enter Mrs. Sawder and Augustus, l. 
 
 Mrs. S. (l. c.) A promise which Lord Bradstock would, I 
 am sure, never expect to be carried out against the lady’s 
 wish. Oh, John, what did you say to me about Beatrice and 
 Augustus ? It was a promise — you heard it, Mr. Wenham ? 
 
 Wenham. A promise ! Yes, only it svasn’t in black and white 
 
 Beat. Let me speak, aunt. Before witnesses who heard 
 me make it, I here ask Lord Bradstock not to exact the 
 fulfilment of my promise. 
 
 Lord B. (c.) Excuse me. In my present position I can- 
 not listen to a proposal of this nature — I refuse to be 
 present at a scene. (exit L. 
 
 Mrs. S. (l. c.) He’s a brute. It may all be arranged 
 pleasantty, and when you’ve heard what my Augustus says 
 you’ll own that there’s necessity for it. Speak, Augustus. 
 
 August, (talcing Beatrice’s hand) Beatrice, I should like 
 to see you a happy wife. 
 
 Mrs. S. (r. c .) They’re just an age. 
 
 August, (l. c.) We’ve often talked this matter over 
 privately 
 
 Mrs. S. Between themselves, John. Don’t blush, 
 Augustus, dear. 
 
 August, (l. c.) And we are both agreed 
 
 Beat, (l.) We are, cousin 
 
 August. That we are always to be cousins — never 
 husband and wife. 
 
 Mrs. S. What! Augustus! He won’t marry her. 
 This all comes of that horrid habit of smoking ! (bursts 
 into tears and falls on chair , R. c.) 
 
 Kegg. (c.) Beatrice, you are bound by your own word. 
 You would do it. Carfax, come and fetch him back and 
 settle it. (exeunt Carfax and Kegg 
 
 Mrs. S. Oh, my dears, oh ! 
 
 Gert. My dear aunt ! 
 
 Wenham. (r. c.) Marriages, ma’am, are made in heaven. 
 
 Mrs. S. (r.) They must be, for the arrangements would 
 try the temper of an angel. ( exit L. at bach 
 
34 
 
 HUMBUG. 
 
 [Act 2. 
 
 Re-enter Bradstock. 
 
 Lord B. (l. c. aside ) Just in time, (aloud) Miss Beatrice, 
 Gert. (r. c.) Lord Bradstock! 
 
 Traff. (l.) My lord, I must take upon myself as one of 
 the family 
 
 Lord B. (aside) Poor devil ! (aloud) Pardon, sir, one 
 moment. Miss Beatrice, I have talked the matter over 
 with my own heart, and, hard as is the blow to me, I 
 release you entirely from your promise. 
 
 Enter Edward l., rvitli newspaper, he pauses and listens . 
 Beat. (r. c. confused) Lord Bradstock ! 
 
 Gert. (r.) You have indeed acted nobly ! 
 
 Traff. (l.) Most generously 
 
 Wenham. (l.) Most generously, only 
 
 Traff. (annoyed with Weniiam) You are unjust. 
 
 Edward, (down l. c.) Lord Bradstock, 1 accidentally 
 overheard the scene that has just passed. Let me add my 
 congratulations, (aside to him) You’ve heard of the smash 
 in the city ? 
 
 Lord B. (c.) I 
 
 Edward, (l. c.) You’ve seen the fourth edition of the 
 “Pitcher?” 
 
 Lord B. (c.) Sir ? 
 
 Edward. You dropped it as you came along, (hands it to 
 Wenham and Tr afford) 
 
 Lord B. Sir, this conduct 
 
 Weniiam. (l. reading to Trafford) “ Panic in the city ! 
 
 Holt, Capel, and Co. failed.” Then Kegg 
 
 Traff. Hush ! 
 
 Edward. Good bye, my dear Lord Bradstock. 
 
 Gert. (r. c.) We shall never forget your conduct. 
 
 Beat, (r.) Never! 
 
 Omnes. Never ! 
 
 Gert. You will always be welcome at our house 
 
 Edward. Whenever he feels inclined to come ! (goes up L. 
 Gert. ] 
 
 and > (r.) Whenever he feels inclined to come. 
 
 Beat, j 
 
 Weniiam. (sliaJces Lord Bradstock’s hand) Whenever he 
 feels inclined to come ! ( X 's R. c.) 
 
 Traff. (shalces Lord Bradstock’s hand) Whenever he 
 feels inclined to come. (Xing over to c. — aside) I’ve half a 
 mind to kick him out now ! (Wenham x ’s to it. Trafford 
 and Miss Gertrude go up to haclc r. ) 
 
 Lord B. (c.) Miss Kegg, Miss Beatrice — (Edward shoivs 
 him off at haclc , L. ) 
 
HUMBUG. 
 
 35 
 
 Act 2.] 
 
 Beat. (r. with Wenham) Poor fellow, he seemed quite 
 overcome ! 
 
 Wenham. (r.) Quite ! He had positively nothing to say 
 for himself. 
 
 Edward, (l. aside) There’s one humbug less in our 
 society, at all events. 
 
 Gert. (up r.) Aylmer, you seem troubled, you are con- 
 cealing something from us. 
 
 Edward. (Xing to R. c.) I am — I have been. There is a 
 •iime to speak and a time to be silent, that for speaking has 
 arrived. 
 
 Beat. (r. near c. to her sister) Gertrude ! (Gertrude 
 comes down to her) 
 
 Edward. How, every minute is of consequence. Miss 
 Kegg, in your presence, and that of my dearest friend, I 
 would put a question to your sister. 
 
 Gert. (b. c.) She will answer you, I’m sure. 
 
 Edward, (c.) For months I have had it on my lips to say 
 I love you. The day has come when I can say it, and ask 
 you 
 
 Beat. (r. c. with Gertrude) It is so sudden. 
 
 Gert. Have you spoken to papa ? 
 
 Edward. Can he tell me if my love is returned ? 
 
 Beat. What shall I say ? 
 
 Gert. My darling, the truth ! (goes up to l.) 
 
 Edward. To hear from you that I may, at all events, 
 hope — to hear that I am loved ever so little — one word. 
 
 Beat. What word do you want me to say P 
 
 Edward, (r. to c.) Do you love me? (Wenham and 
 Tr afford get over to l. ) 
 
 Beat, (r.) And I am to answer that in one word ? then — 
 (she is about to speak when Old Kegg enters from back L., 
 pale and ill , and sinks on chair.) 
 
 Kegg. (sinks in chair c.) Those infernal scoundrels, Sir 
 Simeon Holt and Capel, failed. Every shilling I had was 
 in it. 
 
 Beat. (r. c.) Papa, when did you hear this ? 
 
 Kegg. (c.) ’Tis in that infernal newspaper that Furs den 
 has there — I saw it when it first came down. 
 
 Beat. (r. c. to Edward who is r.) You knew of this ? 
 (gives her hand) Yes. 
 
 Kegg. (c.) And I was going to have drawn fifty thousand 
 out of it to-day. It’s in black and white. 
 
 Papa, what has happened? (Edward hands 
 chair forward c.) 
 
36 
 
 HUMBUG. 
 
 [Act 2 
 
 Traff. (l.) Don’t let that annoy you, sir. Gertrude 
 provided for. 
 
 Kegg. I know she is. And Beatrice to^, if she will but 
 marry Lord Bradstock. 
 
 Trait. He has refused 
 
 Wenham. {extreme l. ) After hearing of your loss, (goes 
 up with paper) 
 
 Kegg. (c.) My loss ? I can’t believe it ; that villain Holt. 
 That I should have trusted such a sanctimonious humbug. 
 But Bradstock had two hundred thousand pounds, he 
 showed it me in black and white. 
 
 Wenham. (l.) That’s where it was. It looks so well in 
 black and white. ( goes up to bach, l.) 
 
 Kegg. (rises) But why shouldn’t I start again — I’ve 
 friends — I’ve done it before. Five thousand pounds will 
 float me, and what’s that ? Dolan offered me that sum 
 directly I asked him. 
 
 Edward, (r.) Since the fourth edition ? (Dolan with bag 
 appears at bach from L., and talhs to Wenham ivho is up c.) 
 
 Kegg. No. But that won’t make any difference to him , 
 he’s no humbug ; he’d do anything for me even though I 
 am ruined. 
 
 Wenham. ( comes down l. c.) Good bye, Dolan, (talcing 
 his bag , and goes over to L.) 
 
 Kegg. (r. c., suddenly) Ah, my dear fellow, come in — 
 this is kind of you. 
 
 Dolan, (c.) I’ve hardly a minute to catch the tram — my 
 dear fellow, I’m heartily sorry. ’Tis mighty cruel. ’Tis 
 difficult in these days to trust anybody. Ye’ll rise, sir, 
 like a financial Phoenix from the ashes. Good bye. 
 
 Kegg. Now the two thousand pounds you so kindly 
 offered will be of real service. 
 
 Dolan, (c.) Ah, I was coming to tell you, I don’t know 
 how this panic’s affected me in the city. I’m hurrying up 
 now, but I shan’t know till to-morrow morning as — a man 
 of business you understood. 
 
 Kegg. (r. c.) Perfectly. 
 
 Dolan, (c.) Precisely, my dear boy, the most unfortunate 
 thing in the world. But if I can be of the slightest service 
 to ye in town command me in any way you please. Sure 
 it’ll all come right. I lave him in good hands, ladies, ye’ll 
 cheer him up. (railway whistle) There’s the train whistle. 
 Good bye, my boy and good luck to you. I’ll send you 
 down the next three editions of the 14 Pitcher ” with all the 
 atest intelligence. (exit at bach and off l. 
 
HUMBUG. 
 
 37 
 
 Act 2] 
 
 Kegg. (seated K. c.) They run like rats from a falling 
 house. 
 
 Wenham. (l.) He’ll come back again. 
 
 Edward, (r.) Not he — he’s nothing to come back for. 
 
 Dolan, (c. returning) I’ve returned 
 
 Wenham. For your bag. ( gives it — railway whistle very 
 loud — Dolan hurries off at bach and L.) 
 
 Edward. There’s another humbug gone — come like 
 shadows, so depart. 
 
 'Enter Carfax, hurriedly , c. from L. 
 
 Carfax, (l. c.) After I left you I heard of it. I was at 
 the station, and knowing how deeply you are involved — 
 saw Mallery, Q.C., he was in the train, 1 immediately 
 asked counsel’s opinion. 
 
 Edward, (r. to Trafford) Ah ! 
 
 Carfax, (to Kegg) Don’t think for a moment that that's 
 to be an item in a bill ! Drop that subject between us. 
 
 Kegg. (c.) My dear Carfax, this kind tone, so unexpected. 
 
 Carfax, (l. c.) I couldn’t do less for an old friend and 
 client. 
 
 Kegg. And Council's opinion was 
 
 Carfax. That you were not a shareholder in the concern 
 at all. 
 
 Kegg, &c. Why then {all joyfully.) 
 
 Wenham. (extreme l.) Not a shareholder — only 
 
 Carfax. You are involved as a partner. There’s no 
 doubt of it. Now if there is anything I can do, I am not 
 a rich man, but my cheque book up to £500 is at your 
 service. 
 
 Kegg. (c.) My dear Carfax 
 
 Carfax, (l. c.) Don't mention it. By the way, you’ve 
 got enormous interest in the right quarter, now Holt & 
 Co.’s affairs must be wound up. You can get me appointed 
 as solicitor to conduct the winding-up — you’ll do your best 
 — write at once — I’m off to see two or three of the influential 
 shareholders. Terrible things these gigantic smashes. 
 Good bye. (Exit at bach and off L. 
 
 Wenham. (l.) Yes, only it’ll make your fortune. 
 
 Edward, (r.) Another gone. The atmosphere’s becoming 
 quite clear. 
 
 Gert. (r. c. to Kegg, who is seated at table , R. c.) Papa, 
 yes, Beatrice, it is better to speak now. Papa, Mr. Furs- 
 den, knowing your misfortune has proposed for Beatrice, 
 and she has accepted. 
 
38 
 
 HUMBUG. 
 
 [Act 2 
 
 Kegg. (rises c.) He’s got nothing — no more have I. 
 
 Traff. (l. c.) Excuse me, he possesses this property, 
 
 give up my share of it, and my uncle and myself 
 will purchase for two hundred thousand pounds if he will 
 sell. 
 
 Edward. fR.) Fifty thousand I settle on my wife — half 
 of the remainder, sir, is at your disposal. (Mrs. Sawder at 
 bach of stage , L. — the Duke appears at hack , R., with plan 
 of an estate.) 
 
 Kegg. (c., seated) Don’t speak to me for a second — what 
 a company we shall make, (talcing Edward and Trafford’s 
 bunds, Edward r., Trafford l. of him.) 
 
 Duke, (at bach r.) Capital situation for an entrance to 
 the Hotel. 
 
 Gert. (r. c.) Give up speculation, dear papa. 
 
 Beat, (r.) Make our houses your home. 
 
 Mrs. S. (coming forward, L.) And mine dear John — I’ve 
 heard all about it. 
 
 Wenham. (l .) She waited till she’d heard all about it. 
 
 Traff. (l.) Our fortune has resulted from our ruin — a 
 good omen — and if we must expect some dash of bitter in 
 our cup of happiness — there he is. (turning to Wenham, l. 
 Duke surveying arch , L. at bach) 
 
 Edward, (r.) For our part let us devote ourselves to 
 educating a new generation in an honest anti-humbug 
 school. 
 
 Gert. (seated rJ Make them true friends 
 
 Wenham. (l.) You’d upset society. 
 
 Traff. (l. c.) Straightforward men of business. 
 
 Wenham. (l.) You’d ruin commerce. 
 
 Kegg. (c.) I’m afraid there’d be no speculation. 
 
 Wenham. My dear friend, Edward’s notion is an 
 excellent one, a capital one. 
 
 Edward. Only 
 
 Traff. Only 
 
 Wenham. Only what he says is in itself 
 
 Omnes. What? 
 
 Wenham. Humbug ! 
 
 Augustus. 
 
 Mrs. S. 
 
 
 Duke. 
 
 Edward. Beatrice. 
 
 Kegg. 
 
 Trafford. Wenham. 
 
 Gertrude. 
 
 (seated) 
 
 
 k. 
 
 c. 
 
 l. 
 
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