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 THE STAGE COACH; 
 
 THE ROAD OF LIFE. 
 
 BY 
 
 JOHN MILLS, ESQ, 
 
 AUTHOR OF " THE OLD ENGLISH GENTLEMAN." 
 
 IN THREE VOLUMES. 
 
 VOL. L 
 
 LOISTDON: 
 HENRY COLBURN, PUBLISHER, 
 
 GREAT MARLBOROUGH STREET. 
 
 1843.
 
 LONDON: 
 
 F. SHOBERL, JUN., 51, RUPERT STREET, HAYMARKET, 
 
 PRINTER TO H. R. H. PRINCE ALBERT.
 
 8^3 
 
 V, a. 
 
 TO 
 
 THOMAS HOULDSWORTH, ESQ, M.P. 
 
 &c. &c. 
 THESE VOLUMES ARE INSCRIBED 
 
 BY 
 HIS SINCERE AND OBLIGED FRIEND, 
 
 THE AUTHOR. 
 
 <^ The Lawn, Twickenham, 
 
 August, 1843. 
 
 •^i 
 
 ^^ 

 
 PREFACE. 
 
 If I felt not a little diffidence in placing 
 before the reading world my first literary pro- 
 duction, " The Old English Gentleman," the 
 unlooked-for favour and success which attended 
 r.hat work have doubled rather than dissipated 
 my anxiety on the present occasion : for then 
 I could not help feeling myself fortunate in a 
 subject which came more or less '' home to 
 the business and bosom " of every true-born 
 Englishman. The sports of the field, and 
 the pleasures and pastimes of a country life, 
 are so interwoven with the associations of all 
 grades and degrees of my countrymen, that 
 to describe them with tolerable accuracy 
 could scarcely fail to meet with public favour. 
 But in my present undertaking I fear that I
 
 VI PREFACE. 
 
 have less of the actual " appliances and 
 means " of success to depend on, and must 
 expect to be judged more by the extrinsic attire 
 and circumstances in which I may have been 
 able to clothe and set them forth ; besides 
 which, my subjects and characters are of so 
 various and dissimilar a nature, that I can 
 scarcely hope that those readers who may 
 relish any one or more of them will be dis- 
 posed to look with favour on the whole. 
 
 In this position, all I can do is modestly 
 to throw the onus of my new work on those 
 who encouraged the old one : for without that 
 encouragement the present had unquestion- 
 ably never been written. And I must (in all 
 gratitude be it said) place this onus especi- 
 ally on the periodical critics of the day — who, 
 if they will award more praise to a new writer 
 than he merits, must not be surprised or angry 
 at the natural consequences of their kindness 
 
 and good temper. 
 
 J. M.
 
 ILLUSTEATIONS. 
 
 VOL. I. 
 
 PAGE 
 
 1 . The Chalked-off Coachman's Free and Easy. 
 
 Frontispiece 
 
 2. The Runaway Match . . 146 
 
 3. The Student discovering the Body of his Mother 238 
 
 VOL. IL 
 
 4. The Leap 
 
 Frontispiece 
 
 5. The Mudlark 
 
 172 
 
 6. Mrs. Toddy stealing the Dog 
 
 266 
 
 7. The Otter Hunt 
 
 290 
 
 VOL. in. 
 
 
 8. The Snow-drift 
 
 Frontispiece 
 
 9. The Harrow Chase 
 
 62
 
 THE STAGE COACH, 
 
 OR 
 
 THE ROAD OF LIFE, 
 
 CHAPTER I. 
 
 In the vicinity of Aldgate there is an old 
 inn, at the end of a long, dark, narrow passage. 
 The entrance to it is just sufficiently wide to 
 admit a coach ; but the *' Whip" must be an 
 experienced hand to avoid grazing the wheels 
 against the kerb-stones, and the outside pas 
 sengers must bend their heads low to escape 
 " a bumper at parting." The nimble-fingered 
 ostlers plant themselves at the end of the 
 passage leading into the street, and snatch the 
 
 VOL. I. B
 
 2 THE STAGE COACH, 
 
 warm clothing from the polished skins of the 
 horses as they clatter past. — Alas ! we err in 
 the tense ; all these things must now be spoken 
 of (like the glories of old Troy) as things that 
 were ! 
 
 The building to which we have referred 
 forms a contracted oblong, running to a great 
 height, with large gable-ends jutting out in 
 all directions. A wide balcony, rudely carved, 
 and blackened with smoke and age, is thrown 
 across from about midway of the steep walls, 
 and upon it swings a time-worn sign, which 
 for a century has creaked upon its rusty 
 hinges. Corridors sweeping through the edi- 
 fice, flanked with numbered doors, tell of its 
 vast resources for wearied wayfarers ; but the 
 rooms are deserted, and the distant sounds of 
 the world without echo through them, like the 
 sad tones of a funeral knell. In the yard are 
 large stables ; but every stall is empty, and 
 scarcely a flattened straw remains upon the 
 sunken bricks. A battered horn-lantern still
 
 OR THE ROAD OF LIFE. 3 
 
 hangs in one of the abandoned places, and 
 blue mould stifles up the inch of candle that 
 remains uuconsumed in the socket. 
 
 Under an expansive shed are several coaches, 
 closely packed together : spattered dirt and 
 black streaks from the drifting shower begrime 
 their formerly speckless panels, and the axles 
 of the wheels are rusted from want of use. 
 
 It was on a Saturday evening, early in 
 December, that a man slowly descended a 
 ladder, from a hayloft over one of the stalls 
 just described, and, with a lazy yavfn, lifted 
 his hands above his head, and stretched his 
 legs upon the pavement. He was short and 
 sturdy built, with shins that inclined to form 
 a curve. His head seemed placed upon his 
 shoulders as if Nature had economised, and 
 dispensed with the superfluity of a neck. Crisp 
 hair stood upon his head, " like quills upon 
 the fretful porcupine." One full black eye 
 alone performed the oflice of vision, the other 
 having been cut out with the thong of a four- 
 
 B 2
 
 4 THE STAGE COACH, 
 
 in-hand whip, intended by a novice to lift a 
 stinging fly from the tip of a leader's ear. His 
 arms were so long that when standing upright 
 he could polish the knees of his drab breeches 
 — a habit very constantly practised by him. 
 A round greasy cloth cap, stuck on one side 
 of his head, gave him a careless, swaggering 
 appearance; while a bright scarlet necker- 
 chief, twisted once round where his throat 
 ought to have been, added to the knowing, 
 ostlerish costume. 
 
 " Dream !" he exclaimed in a grumbling 
 tone ; "- who can help dreaming on 'em ? 
 Night an day — weeks, months, an years— -all 
 my blessed life and arterwards, I shall dream 
 o' the smoking, steaming, roaring, busting 
 hells in harness : d — n all locomotives, I 
 say !" 
 
 As he said this he slowly surveyed the build- 
 ing, until his gaze rested on the well-known 
 door upon which " Tap" was painted. Fold- 
 ing his arms, he continued to look at the
 
 OR THE ROAD OF LIFE. 5 
 
 closed room, and, shaking his head with a 
 melancholy gesture, continued : " Isn't that 
 enough to break a feller's heart, if it was 
 harder than this?" stamping his iron-heeled 
 boot upon the stone pavement ; " isn't it a full 
 pot o' misery ! none o' your half-an-half, but 
 reg'lar stingo misfortune. Many's the time and 
 often I've blown a cloud o' happiness inside o' 
 that red blinder ; many's the gallon of heavy 
 wet and goes o' mountain dew I've put under 
 my waistcoat inside them bricks. Then to 
 think o' the nights I've come out reeling, 
 blind drunk as a Lord ! Ain't it enough to 
 make a feller hang his mother, or turn tee- 
 totaller ?" 
 
 With this pathetic self-interrogatory he 
 buried both his hands in his pockets, and 
 silently proceeded down the yard. 
 
 The dull leaden twilight was stealing over 
 the city, and the humming of countless 
 throngs, crowding its thoroughfares, began to 
 be less vociferous. The speculators in the
 
 6 THE STAGE COACH, 
 
 precarious favours of Fortune smoothed the 
 lines from their wrinkled brows, and were 
 hurrying' home to rest for a few brief hours 
 from their fretful cares ; wearied clerks 
 straightened their bent backs as they rose 
 from long-legged stools, upon which they 
 passed the major part of their existence, and 
 quitted the scenes of their captivity with the 
 spirit of free'd birds. The peaceful hours of 
 night were creeping on. 
 
 " One, two, three," counted the ill- 
 humoured ostler, as the chimes from a neigh- 
 bouring church clanged the three-quarters of 
 an hour : " very good ! then there's only 
 fifteen minutes for me to light that fire, and it 
 never can be got to blaze under thirty ! my 
 luck all over ! howsomdever, here goes." 
 
 Unlocking a door which opened into a wide 
 apartment, called the Commercial-room, he 
 took from the lofty mantel-shelf a tinder-box, 
 and commenced striking the flint and steel. 
 
 " I never uses them lucifer fizzes," said he
 
 OR THE ROAD OF LIFE. 7 
 
 to himself — a personage, by the bye, whom 
 he was very apt to honour with his private 
 conversation ; " they're too savoury of the 
 new-fangled reformin system. Give me the 
 good old times of strike o' lights in tJiis 
 way, although it does take a good deal of 
 persewerin." 
 
 Unusual patience appeared indispensable on 
 the present occasion ; bright sparks flew in 
 showers upon the tinder, but none clung to it 
 for a moment. At length a solitary one was 
 discovered upon the edge of a little stray 
 piece, and, exercising great care, a match was 
 ignited, and the ready-prepared fuel in the 
 laro-e ofrate was set on fire. The straw and 
 wood crackled and blazed, but the volumes of 
 smoke, instead of ascending the yawning 
 chimney, issued in dense masses from the bars, 
 and rose curling to the ceiling. 
 
 " There ye go again !" exclaimed the ostler ; 
 " nothing but trouble and disappintment ; as 
 sure as my name's John Hogg, I shall be 
 smoked bacon presently."
 
 8 THE STAGE COACH, 
 
 Vigorously he puffed and blew the obstinate 
 flames, until at last they showed a disposition 
 to rise, and shed a warming influence round 
 the black walls. Then dragging a long maho- 
 gany table, polished like a mirror, save where 
 the stains of steaming liquids had left in- 
 delible impressions upon it, he placed it in the 
 centre of the room, and eyed with evident 
 satisfaction the nicety of its position. 
 
 '' It takes 7?ie to put a thing straight," said 
 John Hogg. " A one-eyed chap can always 
 see truer than a feller with two ; else why do 
 folks shut a peeper when they go out 
 a-shooting ?" 
 
 Without pausing to solve this problem, he 
 drew from a small cupboard a dozen glass 
 goblets, a wide and deep china bowl containing 
 a silver ladle with a long twisted whalebone 
 handle, a large bag of lump sugar, some 
 lemons, and a bundle of clay pipes. Putting 
 these upon the table in proper order, he re- 
 garded Avith a cunning look the locked door
 
 OR THE ROAD OF LIFE. 9 
 
 of a cupboard opposite the one be bad been 
 rifling of its contents, and said, " If I'd tbe 
 rummaging o' you, wouldn't I make myself a 
 comfortable snorter aforehand !" 
 
 " Would you. Jack ?" inquired a gruif voice ; 
 " tben I'll mix one for ye." 
 
 The speaker was a tall, corpulent man, who 
 had entered the room unperceived by the 
 soliloquiser. His ruddy weather-beaten visage 
 was partly shaded by a broad-brimmed, low- 
 crowned hat, and a fat double chin was in- 
 cased in the ample folds of a blue spotted 
 shawl. A long striped waistcoat, approaching 
 his knees, was buttoned closely over a portly 
 body, and a pair of drab breeches, with fawn- 
 coloured ribands dangling in graceful negli- 
 gence at the knees, adorned a couple of tubby- 
 looking legs. The coat, which afforded pro- 
 tection not only to his ample shoulders, but 
 to his heels, was of faded brown, and highly- 
 polished laced-up shoes completed the attire. 
 
 " And so you'd have a comfortable snorter 
 
 B 5
 
 10 THE STAGE COACH, 
 
 aforehand, would ye ?" continued the speaker 
 with an inward chuckle, shaking his fat sides, 
 and extracting a key from one of his capacious 
 pockets. 
 
 " Yes, Mr. Wirkem, sir, I would, and that's 
 the truth on't," replied the ostler, looking some- 
 what confused ; but I didn't mean you should 
 know it. My luck all over," continued he ; 
 " sure to be found out." 
 
 " Never mind. Jack, never mind," said Mr. 
 Wirkem, giving Jack a good-humoured smack 
 on his left ear ; " there's no harm in wishing, 
 anyhow — darn my stockings !" 
 
 With this singular order for the repairs of 
 the coverings to his legs, which was an in- 
 noxious substitute for the conclusion of sen- 
 tences frequently couched in terms unfit for 
 ears polite, Mr. Wirkem proceeded to unfasten 
 the cupboard-door. Rows of black bottles, 
 filled to the corks, lined shelves above shelves ; 
 and, after regarding the array with looks of 
 unequivocal admiration, he selected two, and 
 placed them upon the table.
 
 OR THE ROAD OF LIFE. 1 1 
 
 " Brandy and rum," said Mr. Wirkem. 
 " Now for whiskey and gin," continued he, 
 taking two more of the bottles from the cup- 
 board, and placing them by the side of the 
 others . 
 
 "I'll take a drop o' rum, sir," said the 
 ostler, anticipating the proffered choice. 
 
 Mr. Wirkem's sides shook for a considerable 
 period previous to any sound emerging from 
 his lips ; when he managed to inquire, with 
 concealed laughter, why Jack preferred rum. 
 
 " I can't say, sir," replied the ostler ; '' but 
 it seems as nateral to my gums as milk is to a 
 sucking babby's." 
 
 " I can tell ye. Jack," rejoined Mr. Wirkem., 
 trying to suppress his inward mirth. " I can 
 tell ye ; it's chemical — it's what I heard ex- 
 plained once at the Mechanics' Institution — 
 it's chemical affinity." 
 
 " What liquor's that, sir ?" asked Jack. 
 
 " It isn't a liquor," said Mr. Wirkem ; " it's 
 a mixture of bodies adapted for one another."
 
 12 THE STAGE COACH, 
 
 " Ah ! I see," responded Jack, winking his 
 solitary orb ; " a sort oi punch, I 'spose." 
 
 Mr. Wirkem's ribs became again convulsed 
 at Jack's supposition. Like the internal 
 rumbling of a volcano previous to its eruption, 
 his smothered laugh invariably preceded the 
 electricity of his wit. 
 
 '' Within the shaving of a lamp-post you're 
 right. Jack," said Mr. Wirkem ; " but didn't 
 it ever occur to you that your partiality for 
 rum, above all other rebellious liquors, is 
 occasioned by Nature having coined ye out of 
 such rum materials ?" 
 
 " Ha ! ha ! ha !" roared Jack ; " ha ! ha ! 
 ha ! Oh ! Mr. Wirkem, sir, may I be kid- 
 napped and sold for a nigger if you don't go 
 a-head slick as soaped lightning, as the Yan- 
 kee Doodles say." 
 
 " Whatever the Doodles may say," said Mr. 
 Wirkem, suddenly becoming serious, " I beg 
 you'll not mention them, their sayings or 
 doings, in my presence. If it was not for
 
 OR THE ROAD OF LIFE. 13 
 
 those translanticated Doodles, Jack, it's my 
 opinion I should be at this moment — ay, at 
 this very moment," continued Mr. Wirkem, 
 pulling with difficulty from its fob a thick 
 silver watch, and shaking his4iead mournfully 
 as he looked at the white dial, " driving the 
 Regulator up this very yard," continued he, 
 " and you preparing to ease the passengers of 
 their superfluous sixpences." 
 
 '' You don't say so ! " responded Jack, 
 stretching to the utmost limits of its capacity 
 his one organ of vision. 
 
 " But I do," added Mr. Wirkem ; " I do 
 say so, John Hogg. It's them Doodles that 
 have set the vicious example of doing away 
 with all good old ways and customs — of what 
 they call annihilating time and distance. It's 
 those Doodles that have bitten Old Endand, 
 and made her as rabid {rapid they call it) as 
 themselves. Railroads and rows — canals and 
 chartists — banks and bankrupts — companies 
 and corruptions — ballot and beggary — repub
 
 14 THE STAGE COACJa, 
 
 licans and rebels — all proceed from that weedy- 
 stock." 
 
 " Then d — n the Doodles ! " said Jack, be- 
 tween his teeth ; " 'ticularly on account of 
 railroads," contiaued he. 
 
 "Even in the most religious society," replied 
 Mr. Wirkem, *'such a sentiment must be re- 
 sponded to with cordiality." 
 
 The fire now began to blaze cheerfully in 
 the grate — and a deep and wide one it was — 
 when Jack tossed off the contents of the glass 
 offered him by Mr. Wirkem, and proceeded 
 to add more coals to the fire. 
 
 " We shall have a roarer directly," said he, 
 clearing the bottom bars of the stove with his 
 fingers. 
 
 "The sooner the better," responded Mr. 
 Wirkem, " for the members will be here di- 
 rectly." 
 
 At this moment the murmur of voices was 
 heard, and the tramp of feet echoing up the 
 yard.
 
 OR THE ROAD OF LIFE. 15 
 
 '^ Here they come !" exclaimed Mr. Wirkem. 
 " Light the chandelier, Jack." 
 
 This chandelier was a large wooden hoop 
 hung in the centre of the room, upon which 
 was stuck, upon tin "save-alls," a thick circle 
 of tallow " dips." 
 
 Jack proceeded to obey the instructions, 
 by lighting a piece of greased paper at the 
 end of a long charred stick, and applying it 
 to the candles. 
 
 " Gentlemen," said Mr. Wirkem, as several 
 persons crowded into the apartment, " wel- 
 come, one and all. Time to a second — yes," 
 continued he, as a church clock chimed the 
 hour, " even to a second." 
 
 '' It's been our custom for many a long year, 
 Dick Wirkem," responded a voice, " except 
 when frosts and an occasional screw loose 
 perwented." 
 
 " Very true," rejoined Mr. Wirkem ; " and 
 we're not the chaps to cut the traces of good 
 old customs."
 
 16 THE STAGE COACH, 
 
 " May that feller break his neck " 
 
 " Stop ! stop !" interrupted Mr. Wirkem. 
 " There would be so many dislocations now-a- 
 days, Bill Johnson, that we mustn't pray for 
 such deserts. No, no, no ; whatever may be 
 our causes for complaint, we'll never have it 
 said that malice is the axle of a coachman's 
 heart." 
 
 " Bravo ! Bra-YO !" cried several voices. 
 
 "But come," continued Mr. Wirkem, " take 
 your seats, my friends, and fill your pipes and 
 glasses. Is the water hot, Jack?" 
 
 " As hot as " 
 
 " No similes, John ; no similes," interrupted 
 Mr. Wirkem : ** hand the kettle round." 
 
 In a high-backed elbow chair, with sturdy- 
 looking short legs rudely carved, Mr. Wirkem 
 seated himself, with much dignity, at the head 
 of the shining table ; while his friend Bill 
 Johnson occupied one of a similar description 
 opposite. The others seated themselves on 
 each side, and after some bustle Mr. Wirkem's
 
 OR THE ROAD OF LIFE. ^ 17 
 
 watchful eye was satisfied with the arrange- 
 ment. In a few minutes steaming mixtures 
 gratified the olfactories, pipes were charged 
 with the fragrant weed, and the reign of 
 good-fellowship commenced. 
 
 " Draw that old red curtain closer, Jack," 
 said Mr. Wirkem, " and poke the fire into a 
 stinging blaze. There, now we look what I 
 call comfortable, and there's a great deal in 
 looks," continued he. 
 
 " So the gals have always told me,'' re- 
 sponded John Hogg, taking his seat upon the 
 bottom of an old stable pail, a little removed 
 from the festive board. A burst of uproarious 
 laughter followed this declaration of the ostler, 
 and Mr. Wirkem observed that Jack w^as a 
 pretty creetur for a lady's lapdog. 
 
 " Nicely shaved, no doubt of it," replied 
 his right-hand friend, Jacob Plywel. " But 
 come, Dick," continued he, " let's have the 
 regulations, or rulers, or what-do-ye-call-ems 
 read."
 
 18 THE STAGE COACH, 
 
 Mr. Wirkem gave a nod of approval, and 
 after tapping the table for silence with the bowl 
 of his pipe, he rose majestically from his seat, 
 and said in a deep bass voice — " Gentlemen, 
 since our last meeting, which was also our first, 
 I have been inwardly digesting the most patent 
 safety means of conducting this Society. In 
 me you were pleased to place the trust ; and 
 as far as I've been able to make the road 
 run light, free from ruts and stumbling stones, 
 by applying the ribands of thought with due 
 consideration, it's no soft soap to say I have 
 done so." 
 
 ''Hear! hear! hear!" said Jacob Plywel. 
 
 " He's a leader at a speech," inwardly ob- 
 served John Hogg. 
 
 Mr. Wirkem coughed, and proceeded : — 
 " As I before stated, we have met but once 
 before here as a body ; and then," said the 
 old coachman, with his preliminary chuckle, 
 " we w^re but a dwarf compared to our pre- 
 sent condition ; so that it may be as well to
 
 OR THE ROAD OF LIFE. 19 
 
 •repeat what then took place, for the benefit 
 of the new comers, which form the majority." 
 
 " Good again !" exclaimed the Vice-presi- 
 dent. 
 
 " Like ghosts in a churchyard," resumed 
 Mr. Wirkem, "myself, BillJohnson there, and 
 one or two more of the old hands, used to 
 hang about the place after it was deserted by 
 all its old inhabitants, save the rats. We 
 couldn't leave it. The old Inn had been our 
 home too long for us to turn our backs upon 
 it. And so one evening, while we were stand- 
 ing under the gateway, as usual grumbling 
 about the railways and such like, I thought 
 if, instead of growling about what we had no 
 drag to check, we were to get up a bit of a 
 company in this room of an evening, and enjoy 
 ourselves, it would be a better move. With- 
 out mentioning my plan then to any one, I 
 went to the landlord, and asked him to let 
 me this apartment. He desired me to tell 
 him what I wanted it for. After a good deal
 
 20 THE STAGE COACH, 
 
 of humming and ha-ing I told him. ' Dick 
 Wirkem,' said he, with two great tears trick- 
 liDg down his jolly red face, ' you may take 
 the old place for nothing. It's my own pro- 
 perty ; and if you can turn it into a coach- 
 man's hospital, do — or anything of the de- 
 scription.' — As you may suppose, I felt un- 
 commonly affected at this ; and after squeezing 
 his bunch of fives, with a quivering lip I said, 
 said I, ' I'll do my best, sir, to make the fel- 
 lows comfortable, you may depend on't.' He 
 couldn't speak, but mopping up his tears with 
 the back of his hand, he filled up a half-pint 
 beaker of port from his bottle, which stood 
 upon the table, and motioned me to put it 
 down the road, which I did accordingly. 
 ' You'll come I hope to our meetings some- 
 times, sir,' said I, ' supposing we get 'em 
 up V — ' No, Dick,' said he, ' I couldn't meet 
 ye again yet ; I will by-an'-by ; but to see all 
 of you as you are now, without the chance 
 of a lift up, it would cut me too hard to bear.
 
 OR THE ROAD OF LIFE. 21 
 
 Be patient under your ill luck ; stick to one 
 another, and don't forget one-eyed Jack. I'll 
 pay for his whack.' " 
 
 At the conclusion of this sentence, John 
 Hogg groaned audibly upon his pail. Mr. 
 Wirkem cast his eyes towards him, and per- 
 ceiving he was occupied only in counting the 
 exact number of his fingers, asked in a very 
 peremptory tone, " why he was not smoking 
 his pipe and drinking his grog ?" 
 
 " Because I ain't been axed," replied he in 
 a very surly voice. " It's always my luck." 
 
 " There's an ugly- tempered grunter for ye, 
 gentlemen !" said the old coachman, appealing 
 to the company. ''Fill your glass immediately, 
 sir," continued he in a most authoritative voice, 
 " and make yourself such a stiff un that every 
 drop may stand a fair chance of choking ye." 
 
 a Very good !" replied Jack, while a beam 
 of satisfaction sparkled in his eye ; and, rising 
 from his lowly posture, he proceeded to fulfil 
 the instructions with great alacrity,
 
 22 THE STAGE COACH, 
 
 "Gentlemen," continued Mr. Wirkem, "after 
 my interview, I told my plan to Bill Johnson, 
 Jacob Plywel, and my friend on the left here, 
 Tom Short, who unanimously agreed that it 
 was a crack sort of thing. Well, with a few 
 more, who are now here, we had a meeting 
 last Saturday, when it was decided to lay in 
 a good stock of comfortables forthwith, to 
 invite the chalked-off dragsmen here to-night, 
 and for me to be prepared to start the way- 
 bill, or rules, hj which our club was to be 
 governed." 
 
 Loud marks of approbation interrupted Mr. 
 Wirkem, who, after sipping his grog, resumed 
 his address : — 
 
 " I am prepared," said he. " In the first 
 place, I propose christening this Club, or So- 
 ciety, or whatever else it may be, 
 
 THE CHALKED-OFF COACHMAN'S FREE AND EASY.'' 
 
 " Hooray !" shouted John Hogg, springing 
 off the pail, and with a kick from his ponder-
 
 OR THE ROAD OF LIFE. 23 
 
 ous foot sending it to the furthest end of the 
 room. " It's an out-an-out, slap up, send- 
 me-rolling, clipper of a name," said he, flushed 
 with excitement. 
 
 Mr. Wirkem looked hoth astonished and 
 pleased at Jack's conduct, but continued his 
 speech without making any comment upon it. 
 " We'll have no proposing or balloting for 
 members," said he ; " but every dragsman in 
 the kingdom that's run off the road by the 
 rail " — (here an ill-suppressed malediction 
 escaped the lips of John Hogg) — " shall be 
 entitled to rest his legs under this mahogany," 
 continued Mr. Wirkem. ** No matter whether 
 he has been the driver of a four-oss or a pair- 
 oss coach. If he can pay his whack for the 
 creature-comforts without pinching the old 
 woman or the spokes of the old wheel at 
 home, well and good ; if not, why those who 
 can make up the deficiency without feeling the 
 screw must stand the handsome, and I'll always 
 head the list."
 
 24 THE STAGE COACH, 
 
 Here loud hurrahs interrupted the old coach- 
 man's further progress. Cheer after cheer 
 echoed through the old building, till every 
 room seemed roused from its sombre silence. 
 After some strenuous efforts to obtain an end 
 of his companions' boisterous approbation, 
 Mr. Wirkem continued — 
 
 " We'll have no written regulations for our 
 behaviour, our time of meeting, or departing," 
 said he ; "I hate all such nonsense. Every 
 man that is qualified for a seat here may con- 
 duct himself just as he likes, so long as he 
 makes himself agreeable to the rest. He may 
 come when it suits him, drink what he pleases, 
 and go when he thinks proper or his wife 
 tells him." 
 
 " Ha ! ha ! ha !" roared John Hogg, holding 
 his sides. " Oh, Mr. Wirkem, sir !" said he, " if 
 you don't beat Dolly, and she beat the devil !" 
 
 "Hush, John, hush !" returned Mr. Wirkem 
 reprovingly, at which Jack's grinning cheeks 
 became suddenly grave and elongated.
 
 OR THE ROAD OF LIFE. 25 
 
 " I shall take the chair," returned the old 
 coachman, "precisely at six o'clock every 
 Saturday evening, and quit it at twelve. If 
 other gentlemen choose to follow my track, 
 well and good." 
 
 " We will, we will !" shouted the Vice-pre- 
 sident. 
 
 " Those who don't," continued Mr. Wirkem, 
 " can cut out one for themselves. I have 
 nearly locked my wheels now ; and have only 
 this to say — every man must sing a song when 
 he's called on, or else tell a story." 
 
 " But supposing he can't do either ?" sug- 
 gested Jacob Plywel. 
 
 " I was coming to that when yoii stopped 
 me, sir !" replied Mr. Wirkem, somewhat 
 angrily. "We'll accept of no canHs here," 
 said he. " Can't shall stand for won't. Who 
 ever heard of a coachman not able to say 
 something of himself or his passengers ? He 
 must be a pretty sort of a nincompoop, who, 
 
 VOL. I. c
 
 26 THE STAGE COACH, 
 
 having seen so much of life, hasn't nous enough 
 to say something about it, and he's certainly 
 not fit for this society. And so the first canH 
 will he the ' all right ' for the first stage to 
 Coventry, that's all." 
 
 " Well done, Dick Wirkem !" exclaimed 
 the Vice-president ; '' you'll keep 'em to the 
 collar, I know." 
 
 " To be sure I will," replied the old coach- 
 man ; " and in order to make a beginning, I 
 now," said he, taking his seat, " call upon you, 
 Bill Johnson, to warble us a song." 
 
 " Capital ! Famous ! " exclaimed several 
 voices, while loud clapping of hands signified 
 the general satisfaction of the proposal. 
 
 '' Well, gentlemen," returned the Vice-pre- 
 sident, placing his pipe upon the table, and 
 wiping his lips, " since it seems I mustn't re- 
 fuse under fear of a disagreeable journey, here 
 goes." 
 
 Clearing his throat, in a strong but musical 
 voice he sang the following words :
 
 OR THE ROAD OF LIFE. 27 
 
 Come fill the glass, 'twill win a smile 
 To chase away that swimming tear : 
 
 Nor scorn the spell which can beguile 
 A thought from life's dull bitter care : 
 
 For none in worlds so sad as this 
 
 Should lose a moment of sunny bliss. 
 
 The goblet drain — the juice will bring 
 
 The memory of years long past. 
 The songs our childhood loved to sing, 
 
 Those springtide joys which never last : 
 For none in worlds so sad as this 
 Should lose a moment of sunny bliss. 
 
 Now fill once more the goblet high. 
 To glad again thy drooping brow ; 
 
 'Twill drown the sorrow and the sigh. 
 The thought of all that wrings thee now : 
 
 For none in worlds so sad as this 
 
 Should lose a moment of sunny bliss. 
 
 At the conclusion of this song, many were 
 the compliments paid to Bill Johnson by his 
 companions. Mr. Wirkem was so much gra- 
 tified that he rose and proposed the Vice- 
 president's health with " unusual " honours. 
 This was responded to with a display of hearty 
 good-will ; and, after the blushing Bill John- 
 
 c 2
 
 28 THE STAGE COACH, 
 
 son had stammered out his gratitude for the 
 honour conferred, he was reminded by Mr. 
 Wirkem that he was entitled to a call. 
 
 " Then I'll return the compliment," said he 
 to the President, " by calling upon you, sir, 
 for a yarn." 
 
 *' Now for a rum un !" cried John Hogg, 
 rubbing his hands with glee, and fixing him- 
 self in a posture of profound attention. 
 
 " None of your prophecies, John," rejoined 
 Mr. Wirkem. 
 
 " Snapped up again," said Jack, sulkily. 
 " It's always my luck." 
 
 " Darn my stockings !" exclaimed the old 
 coachman ; " who is snapping ye up ?" 
 
 John returned no answer to this question, 
 but stopped the tobacco in his pipe with his 
 finger, and sent a thick cloud curling from his 
 lips to the ceiling. 
 
 " Top the candles, Jack," said Mr. Wirkem, 
 in a conciliatory voice, " and make up the fire 
 before I begin."
 
 OR THE ROAD OF LIFE. 29 
 
 The hoop was lowered by a string attached 
 to the wall, and the candles dexterously 
 snuffed with Jack's damped thumb and finger. 
 After he had heaped fresh fuel upon the fire, 
 the old coachman took a last whiff, knocked 
 the ashes from the exhausted pipe, and, placing 
 it upon the table, threw himself back in an 
 easy position to perform the task imposed 
 upon him. 
 
 Eagerness to hear was portrayed in every 
 face. Every whisper was hushed, and not a 
 sound conld be heard as the old coachman 
 commenced his story. 
 
 " When the bean was full in my tooth," 
 said he, " that is, when I was just twenty-one, 
 I was groom to Lord Haverford, one of the 
 stanchest sportsmen in Christendom. In sea- 
 son he hunted three days a- week, shot three, 
 and stopped all Sunday in the stable. By his 
 orders I often used to ride the young osses to 
 hounds, and, on one occasion, when I was 
 mounted on a real top sawyer, the strangest
 
 30 THE STAGE COACH, 
 
 run took place that ever remained unrecorded. 
 Perhaps, gentlemen, you would like to hear 
 the particulars of it." 
 
 A ready and general assent was given, and 
 Mr. Wirkem resumed — 
 
 " I have always called it," said he, 
 
 " THE DEVIL'S HUNT."
 
 OR THE ROAD OF LIFE. 31 
 
 CHAPTER II. 
 
 THE devil's hunt. 
 
 In most packs there is what is called the 
 leader or favourite hound (said Mr. Wirkem); 
 but in my Lord's kennel there was a couple 
 of fine fellows, named Brilliant and Brim- 
 stone, so much alike in pace and power, and 
 all the good qualities which belong to first- 
 rate crack hounds, that no one could say 
 which was best. I have often heard Tom 
 Moody, the famous whipper-in, who you 
 must all have heard of, say that such perfect 
 symmetry in a couple of hounds from the 
 same kennel was never equalled. 
 
 " There," said he to me one day as he was 
 coaxing his pets between his legs, " there's
 
 32 THE STAGE COACH, 
 
 two angels of hounds, Dick. I never see such 
 perfection before. Look at 'em in all their 
 parts ; survey their straight legs ; look at the 
 round feet, back shoulders, wide breasts, broad 
 backs, deep chests, thin necks, small heads — 
 and then regard these tails, Dick — there's 
 tails ! No court plume ever was more bushy 
 or better carried." 
 
 '^ I'm no great judge of a hound, Mr. 
 Moody," replied I, " but they certainly are 
 uncommon handsome looking." 
 
 " And their looks don't belie 'em, bless 
 their hearts ! " rejoined he. 
 
 Well, it was about the close of the season 
 when I had orders to ride a oss we called 
 Nick's Own. In the whole course of my riding 
 and driving I never come near such a beggar 
 to pull ; his mouth was as devoid of feeling 
 as a piece of tanned hide. I didn't much 
 relish the mounting o' this chap, although a 
 better never champed a bit, but his temper 
 was as vicious as an untamed unicorn's, and
 
 OR THE ROAD OF LIFE. 33 
 
 as to holding him, you might as well pull 
 against destiny. He was a great favourite of 
 his Lordship, and had won several great 
 steeple-chases; but seldom was ridden after 
 hounds, because he was as likely to go before 
 as to follow 'em. 
 
 Nick's Own threw back his sleek ears, and 
 tried to give me a pat on the knee as I threw 
 myself into the saddle. 
 
 " That was well meant," said Tom Moody, 
 seeing the devil's movement. 
 
 " Yes," replied I, " but, like a great many 
 good intentions, it failed in the aim." 
 
 The whipper-in laughed, and bade me keep 
 a fair distance from the pack if I could 
 manage it. 
 
 The old song says : 
 
 *' A southerly wind and a cloudy sky 
 Proclaims the hunting morning," 
 
 and such we were blessed with on this memo- 
 rable occasion. A soft gentle breeze seemed 
 to breathe upon us from some sunny clime, 
 
 c 5
 
 34 THE STAGE COACH, 
 
 and a heavy shower had left the ground in the 
 primest order : it was moist, but not saturated. 
 There was a thin fog too, which, like a wo- 
 man's veil, shaded, but didn't hide what was 
 wanted to be seen. 
 
 " The scent will lay breast-high to-day," 
 said James Dorey, the huntsman. 
 
 " Yes," replied the whipper-in, '' over head 
 and ears : there'll be no time for picking gaps 
 to-day." 
 
 When we arrived at the place of Meet, all 
 the Gentlemen o' the Hunt were assembled, 
 to the number of about two hundred and 
 fifty. I suppose a set better mounted and 
 equipped eyes never rested on. 
 
 " Gentlemen," said Lord Haverford, as we 
 came up, and his eyes sparkled as he spoke, 
 " he who would take the brush to-day must 
 ride well and boldly too, or I am much mis- 
 taken in my judgment." 
 
 He little thought how truly he spoke. 
 
 The order was given for the throw-off, when
 
 OR THE ROAD OF LIFE. 35 
 
 the merry pack rushed into a neighbouring 
 thick furze covert. Not a minute elapsed, 
 no, nor yet half a one, when Brilliant and 
 Brimstone's cries rung through the wood at 
 the same moment, making every heart thrill 
 again. 
 
 " Hark to Brimstone ! Hark to Brilliant ! " 
 hallooed James Dorey. " For'ard, for'ard !" 
 
 "Ah!" exclaimed Tom Moody, ''it's a 
 pity one can't halloo both of 'em at once; 
 for it's a d — d shame to cheer one before the 
 other." 
 
 Every hound flew to the cry, knowing full 
 well it was as true as the sun. So hearty did 
 each join in chorus that the loaded air trem- 
 bled again with the joyous notes. 
 
 I was stationed on the verge of the covert, 
 about the centre of it, when I saw the varmint 
 creep across a ride. Such a fox I had never 
 seen before, and believe no one had seen or 
 ever will ao^ain. He was as bio^ as a small 
 wolf, and his skin shone, and was almost as
 
 36 THE STAGE COACH, 
 
 dark as a piece of polished walnut - tree. 
 His brush seemed nearly twice as long as his 
 body, and was jet black, except just a morsel 
 of white at the tip. I tried to give him a 
 halloo, but, darn my stockings, if the *' tally- 
 ho " didn't stick in my throat. Like a Norfolk 
 turkey I was crammed with surprise, and 
 couldn't so much as utter a word. The var- 
 mint's brush had scarcely disappeared on the 
 opposite side of the ride, when the couple of 
 hounds. Brimstone and Brilliant, swept like 
 meteors on his trail, followed by the straggling 
 pack. Crashing through the thorny furze, the 
 gallant hounds hotly pressed the sneaking thief, 
 and in a few seconds a faint " view-halloo " 
 was heard from the end of the wood. 
 
 Nick's Own reared as I slackened my reins, 
 and away he went like an un trapped falcon. 
 Straining every nerve and muscle, I managed 
 to obey my Lord's loud halloo to " hold hard 
 and let them get at it ; " but it was more than 
 a mortal tug, I assure ye. I was first at the
 
 OR THE ROAD OF LIFE. 37 
 
 end of the covert, and Tom Moody rushed 
 past me with a bunch of tail hounds, cap in 
 hand, and making the hills ring again with the 
 most musical voice a whipper-in ever had, 
 before James Dorey had a chance of heading 
 him. He happened to be in a thick part of 
 the covert when the "tally-ho" was given, 
 which seemed to tremble from the lips, in- 
 stead of coming cheerily from the linchpin of 
 the heart ; but, clapping the gaffs to his sorrel 
 mare, she soon put him in his right posi- 
 tion. 
 
 " Did you see the fox ? " inquired Lord 
 Haverford of a yokel who was scratching his 
 head and leaning against a gate-post. 
 
 " Zounds ! but I zeed somethin like un," 
 said he ; " but dang my wig, if I ever zeed a 
 vorx like un avore !" 
 
 Away we went like fleecy clouds before 
 a gale. 
 
 " Now, you ardent Sportsmen," said his 
 Lordship, with a merry laugh, addressing the
 
 38 THE STAGE COACH, 
 
 field — " ride straight, and let no raspers 
 quail ye." 
 
 The fox led us, at the commencement of 
 the run, over a wide open heath called the 
 Rough. For nearly a mile there was not 
 a single leap, and, as it was bare ground, 
 except a clump of stumped bushes here and 
 there, we frequently caught a glimpse of sly 
 reynard, who was doing his best to increase 
 the distance between his brush and Brimstone 
 and Brilliant's willing jaws. I never shall 
 forget Tom Moody's face after seeing the 
 varmint; his cheeks blanched, and his eyes 
 seemed ready to spring from their sockets. 
 
 " Thunder and lightning ! " exclaimed he, 
 " what have we got here ? " 
 
 " A fox unkennelled from hell, I believe," 
 replied James Dorey, little less astonished 
 than the whipper-in. 
 
 " I saw him in covert," added I, " and was 
 struck dumb with surprise." 
 
 '' Be he what he may," said Tom, regaining
 
 OR THE ROAD OF LIFE. 39 
 
 his self-possession, " even if he's the Prince 
 of Darkness himself, we'll have his hrush." 
 
 On the gallant hounds pressed the myste- 
 rious varmint, leaving not more than five 
 score yards between them and him, when 
 a rail-fence, which separated the heath from a 
 gentleman's park, stood before us. It was 
 a perpendicular of six feet at least, with a 
 wide and deep ditch at its foot. I saw the 
 fox spring at it, and like a bird he took the 
 whole without touching a pad upon the fence. 
 The two leaders, as if scorning to be excelled 
 in the jump, imitated his example, and cleared 
 the fence as if shot from" a crossbow. The 
 other hounds scrambled upon the top, all 
 managing to get over. Myself, the huntsman, 
 and Tom Moody were riding abreast, and 
 exchanged looks as we approached the stifler. 
 Nick's Own, when he saw the work cut out 
 for him, prepared to perform his best. He 
 stretched out his long neck, and, gathering 
 himself up for his bold leap, measured the
 
 40 THE STAGE COACH, 
 
 distance, and, with a steady bound, rose in the 
 air, and over we went with the lightness of a 
 wafted feather. I was just first of the three, 
 and I turned my head to see how the others 
 would manage to brush the rasper. Together 
 they rose at it, and, with the exception of 
 some music from their horses' heels striking 
 the top-rail, effected a landing without much 
 appearance of difficulty. 
 
 " Hark for'ard ! hark for 'ard ! " shouted the 
 huntsman, laughing, and turning round to see 
 how the young Nimrods would face the fence. 
 
 " Over!" cried his Lordship, throwing out 
 his whip-hand, and taking it in true sportsman- 
 like style. 
 
 " That's the way for the master of a hunt 
 to ride," said Tom Moody, " as if his neck 
 was not more precious than his servants'." 
 
 Many of the gentlemen succeeded in the 
 attempt to follow Lord Haverford ; but the 
 greater part of them tried the artful dodge, 
 and hoped to shirk the jump by getting round.
 
 OR THE ROAD OF LIFE. 41 
 
 This manoeuvre, however, failed, for long be- 
 fore they could get to the end of the rails we 
 were miles away, going at the most topping 
 speed. 
 
 *' There's a purl," said the huntsman, as a 
 horse and rider came headforemost to the 
 ground. 
 
 " Pick up your crumbs," cried Tom Moody ; 
 which was scarcely said before the horseman 
 was again in his saddle, and rattling towards 
 us at a merry pace. 
 
 " There's blood there !" exclaimed James 
 Dorey, admiringly. 
 
 " Ay, and tough bone too, or there would 
 have been fractures to splice," added the 
 whipper-in. 
 
 We swept across the park for nearly three 
 miles, and it was as beautiful a place as I have 
 seen in my life. Thick and widely-spreading 
 oaks reared their topmost .branches in the 
 clouds, from which flocks of rooks cawed and 
 flapped their wings. Beneath clumps of dark
 
 42 THE STAGE COACH, 
 
 green firs startled deers sprang from their 
 lairs, and raced with the affrighted ringdove. 
 Here and there were deep and wide pools co- 
 vered with water-lilies and rushes, in which 
 the cunning moorhen sported. Dense groves 
 were sprinkled and dotted over the wide range 
 of emerald turf, and as we passed the end of 
 one of them we came suddenly in view of a 
 mansion. It was a strange-looking old build- 
 ing, and, except the countless small windows 
 which sparkled in the light from all quarters, 
 was covered with dark green ivy. Tall, crooked 
 chimneys, through which the smoke must per- 
 form many a whirl before it could make its 
 exit, reared themselves above the roof. A 
 solid stone porch jutted out in the centre, 
 covered with grey moss, and over its iron- 
 studded door the martins had plastered many 
 a nest. Upon a wide terrace, before the en- 
 trance, a lady stood, holding by his hand a 
 young fair boy. Long, light ringlets hung 
 down his shoulders, among which the wind
 
 OR THE ROAD OF LIFE. 43 
 
 played and danced. He might have seen ten 
 summers, not more ; still his boyish cheer burst 
 from his heart as we whirled past, and the 
 crimson blood mantled in his cheeks, while 
 his eyes flashed the fire he felt. 
 
 My Lord bowed as he galloped by, and 
 the lady bent a curtsey in acknowledgment. 
 
 " That shows what breeding is," said the 
 huntsman ; " that young colt comes from 
 some of the best stock in England." 
 
 " And not a poor specimen of the blood," 
 added Tom Moodv. 
 
 " A poor specimen !" repeated James Do- 
 rey : " while the stock is kept up, as it has 
 been for the last three centuries, how should 
 a mongrel come of it ?" 
 
 After the fox had passed the mansion some 
 distance, he became lost to view from dodging 
 round an extensive wood ; and, making a 
 feint to enter it, he immediately backed out, 
 and thereby caused a short check. But the 
 first cast the hounds hit off the scent again,
 
 44 THE STAGE COACH, 
 
 and the breathing time was of short dura- 
 tion. 
 
 " Now, gentlemen," said Lord Haverford, 
 " use the persuaders if your horses lag." 
 
 The fence was now to be charged again. I 
 saw several look as if they felt very queer as 
 they neared it, and more than two or three 
 pulled their horses completely round rather 
 than take it. 
 
 " I dare not again," I heard one say ; " my 
 horse isn't up to it." 
 
 Huge drops of sweat trickled down the 
 glossy coat of Nick's Own, and the snowy 
 foam scudded in flakes from his bit ; but still 
 his strength was not diminished, and he con- 
 tinued to pull upon the rein as when we 
 started. In the same style he approached the 
 rails, and, as if envying the position of being 
 first, he rushed past all before him, and, like 
 an antelope, crossed the fence without brush- 
 ing a splinter. 
 
 Some refused the leap, some fell, and some
 
 OR THE ROAD OF LIFE. 45 
 
 cleared it. Every cocktail was shaken off, 
 and only the select few left. 
 
 We now entered a fallow country, over 
 which the hounds went at a tremendous speed. 
 Our horses, however, soon discovered the dif- 
 ference of running upon turf and heavy plough ; 
 and after we had been at this work for about 
 thirty minutes without a single check, and 
 tolerable stiff jumps at every four or five acres, 
 a good many of 'em began to roar " bellows 
 to mend." Nick's Own, however, seemed as 
 fresh as ever, and the more exertion the ground 
 required, the more he revelled in the amuse- 
 ment. Hedges and ditches, banks, gates, and 
 stiles were all the same to him ; and, as for 
 distance, he appeared to get fresher the far- 
 ther he went. 
 
 Mile after mile was scoured without our 
 seeing reynard ; but every now and then some 
 rustic's " view-halloo" proved we were no 
 great distance from his brush. 
 
 Hitherto the hounds had kept so close to-
 
 46 THE STAGE COACH, 
 
 gether that a table-cloth would have covered 
 the whole ; but now they began to string one 
 after the other, to the great mortification of 
 Tom Moody, who tried his best to get them 
 on. He cheered, flogged, and rated ; but all 
 was useless : nature was exhausted ; on they 
 could not go at the pace. 
 
 " Leave them, Tom, leave them," cried his 
 Lordship : '* follow on ; they must be reco- 
 vered by an by." 
 
 A wide brook was now in sight, flanked 
 with tall rank grass, and to which the hounds 
 made a direct course. When they arrived on 
 the edge of the stream, they ceased to give 
 tongue. Up and down they sniffed for the 
 lost scent. Round, right and left, the hunts- 
 man made his quick casts ; but their united 
 exertions were of no avail. This check 
 enabled the tail hounds to come up, and 
 the panting horses to regain their spent 
 breath. 
 
 Some few minutes passed, when Tom Moody
 
 OR THE ROAD OF LIFE. 47 
 
 rose in his stirrups, and made the welkin ring 
 with his " tally-ho." 
 
 Up a steep hill in the distance, on the op- 
 posite side of the stream, the fox streaked, 
 with something rmming before him. 
 
 " Sea and earth ! " exclaimed the hunts- 
 man, shading his eyes with his hand, " if that 
 sly beggar hasn't pricked a hare from her 
 form." 
 
 It was true enough. The varmint had 
 found a puss in a copse on the other side of 
 the water, and was driving her before him, in 
 order to baffle his pursuers. A roar of laugh- 
 ter issued from all of us as we discovered this 
 device. 
 
 " It's no use, you cunning rascal !" said 
 James Dorey, taking his horse from the bank 
 about thirty yards, and rushing him at it. 
 
 " Ware horse !" cried he, as a hound blun- 
 dered before him. " Over !" was the cheer, 
 and a clean jump he made of it, although it 
 was little less than nine yards.
 
 48 THE STAGE COACH, 
 
 " Hold hard !" shouted Tom Moody, as two 
 or three prepared to follow ; "let the hounds 
 get across first." 
 
 The huntsman blew his horn, and every 
 hound plunged into the stream, and, cheering 
 them on, he lifted them towards the brow of 
 the hill, where the fox became lost to view. 
 
 " Cram them at it, gentlemen," said his 
 Lordship, dashing his rowels into his horse's 
 flanks, and clearing the brook. Tom Moody 
 followed, and then I tried my luck. But 
 Nick's Own slipped as he took the leap, and 
 in we went head over heels, making the water 
 hiss and boil like a great cauldron. It was 
 very deep where we fell, and I was unsaddled 
 by the jerk : but by good fortune, when I rose 
 to the surface, I managed to catch hold of a 
 stirrup, and Nick's Own making the best of 
 his way out, he dragged me to the bank. Up 
 it I scrambled, and, as one good turn deserves 
 another, I now assisted Nick's Own to land. 
 I hauled and lugged at his head, until with a
 
 OR THE ROAD OF LIFE. 49 
 
 desperate effort lie disengaged his fore-feet 
 from the mud, and threw them upon the bank, 
 and, backing the exertion with another equally 
 good, he absolutely rolled ashore. Up he 
 sprang, and into the saddle I climbed, more 
 like a drowned rat than anything else ; but 
 not a horse was in sight, and not a hound 
 could be heard. 
 
 " They're gone that way," bawled a man 
 at plough, and pointing to the right. 
 
 '* No, no, I tell ye," said another in a field 
 adjoining, " that's the road they took," point- 
 ing in an opposite direction. 
 
 Not heeding these conflicting weathercocks, 
 I made for the hill at a swinging gallop, in 
 the hope of getting upon the right track. 
 Thinking the fox might be making for some 
 strong earths, called the Shrubbery Pits, I 
 took a straight course for them. For some 
 time I continued without hearing a sound of 
 the chase ; but frequently saw the stamps of 
 it in the trampled ground and broken fences. 
 
 VOL. I. D
 
 50 THE STAGE COACH, 
 
 At length I thought I heard a cry in the dis- 
 tance, and on I urged Nick's Own to do his 
 best. A short distance further I saw the flash 
 of a bit of pink. I was on the right road, 
 and a handful of seconds would bring me 
 among them again. " Over !" cried I, as we 
 crashed through a tall hawthorn hedge. The 
 horse's fore-feet plunged upon the body of a 
 worn-out hound. She uttered a faint howl, 
 and was dead in an instant. I felt very sick 
 at this accident, for, although a young un, 
 she promised to be one of the best in the 
 pack. Poor Melody ! her note was never 
 heard again ! 
 
 At a corner of the field I saw a couple 
 more, stretched upon the ground, with lolling 
 tongues. They w^ere quite powerless with 
 fatigue. Upon casting my eyes along the 
 hedgerows, I saw several extended upon the 
 earth, and some creeping about to hide them- 
 selves. The work begins to tell, thought I ; 
 and no wonder, for we could not have gone a
 
 OR THE ROAD OF LIFE. 51 
 
 furlong less than thirty miles from the start, 
 at a racing pace, with but a single check. 
 Upon entering a wide fallow, I perceived a 
 gentleman kneeling by the side of his fallen 
 horse : he was opening a vein with his pen- 
 knife ; but the blood refused to flow : the 
 heart was still. 
 
 " He's dead, by Heaven !" he passionately 
 exclaimed as I came up. 
 
 " How did he fall, sir?" I inquired. 
 
 " His heart 's broken," he rejoined ; " but 
 ride on ; you're fresh enough, I see ; don't 
 let me spoil your sport : 'tis useless to stop ; 
 it's all over." 
 
 Seeing that it was so, I left him, and, 
 clearing the next fence, a quickset hedge, 
 I perceived three others, standing by their 
 jaded animals, slackening the girths, and 
 doing all that was in their power to recover 
 them. 
 
 " You may see the end of it, Dick," cried 
 
 D 2 
 
 UNIVERSITY OF 
 ILLINOIS LIBRARY
 
 52 THE STAGE COACH 
 
 one, " but not a soul else will, I'll bet a 
 thousand." 
 
 " I'll try, sir, you may be sure," replied I, 
 sweeping past them. 
 
 A short distance further, and I passed a 
 couple of hounds, going as fast as they had 
 strength to go ; but it was a sorry rate : still 
 they managed to crawl on. Through a punish- 
 ing bullfinch Nick's Own flew, and there we 
 were up with the hunt again, or, more pro- 
 perly speaking, with the fag-^n^ of it. His 
 Lordship, the huntsman, Tom Moody, and 
 seven more, with three couple and a half of 
 hounds, were all that were left. I need 
 scarcely say Brimstone and Brilliant were 
 among them. 
 
 " Ah ! " exclaimed Lord Haverford, well 
 pleased at seeing us up again, " I thought 
 Nick's Own would not be among the lagging 
 stragglers, let what would happen. Keep 
 him at it, Dick. If you have to ride all 
 night he can carry you."
 
 OR THE ROAD OF LIFE. 53 
 
 The country over which we were now run- 
 ning consisted principally of grass land. It 
 was smooth and level, and, the fences being 
 small and far between, the work was compa- 
 ratively easy. But the pace continued a kil- 
 ling one, and the few stanch hounds, which 
 now stuck to the scent, ran like greyhounds 
 in a course. All held their places for about 
 four miles further, when some dwarf-rails, 
 separating a field from a narrow lane, caused 
 a couple and a half more of hounds to fall back- 
 wards from the top, and to remain on the 
 ground, with only a struggling attempt to rise, 
 so breathless and tired were they. Two horses 
 fell at the leap also, and one rider pulled up 
 at it, knowing that he could go no farther. 
 
 " No matter ! " hallooed his Lordship, see- 
 ing that Tom Moody hesitated to proceed. 
 '' While a hound can run, and a horse can 
 move, I'll have the hunt continued," said he. 
 
 Two wide fields more we scoured, and, just 
 as we entered the third, down his Lordship's
 
 54 THE STAGE COACH, 
 
 horse fell as if a whistling bullet had crashed 
 through his brain. I checked Nick's Own ; 
 but the instant mj Lord rose upon his legs, 
 which he did quicker than can be told, he 
 waved his hand for me to proceed. 
 
 " We shall have it all to ourselves pre- 
 sently," said James Dorey. 
 
 " Yes," replied the whipper-in ; " it will be 
 uncommon select presently, I know." 
 
 A narrow but deep, dry ditch, with a high 
 bank, now stretched itself before us. One of 
 the hounds fell in climbing the bank, and 
 slipped into the ditch, to remain there. 
 
 " There you go again," cried Tom Moody, 
 dashing his spurs into his staggering horse, 
 and just managing to get over. The hunts- 
 man was not so fortunate. His horse reached 
 the top of the bank, and, like a balancing 
 pole, rocked to and fro upon the edge of it, 
 when backwards he came with his rider 
 to the ground, but without any serious 
 injury.
 
 OR THE ROAD OF LIFE. 55 
 
 ** I can go no further," said a horseman, as 
 his reeling steed answered the gaiFs by coming 
 to a dead stop. 
 
 *' And I won't try," said another, rein- 
 ing in. 
 
 The two others imitated his example, and, 
 out of the whole field, with fifteen couple of 
 as crack hounds as ever were unkenneled, 
 only Tom Moody, myself, and a couple and a 
 half, now remained. 
 
 " You'll hold on after I'm run to a stand- 
 still," said the whipper-in. 
 
 " Yes," replied I ; *' Nick's Own can go, as 
 my Lord says, all night, if he's wanted." 
 
 " He'll have to do so, if you're to see the 
 end of it," rejoined Tom Moody, " or I'm 
 much deceived." 
 
 " There he goes ! " cried I, making the 
 " view-halloo" echo far and wide, as I saw the 
 varmint running up a grass meadow just be- 
 fore Brilliant and Brimstone, who, as usual, 
 were side by side. The third hound, Strug-
 
 56 THE STAGE COACH, 
 
 gler, was some distance from tliem, and it 
 was evident could not run much farther. 
 
 " It's my belief that fox, or whatever he 
 may be," said the whipper-in — " for I think 
 now, as I thought from the first, that there's 
 something wrong about him — will run for 
 ever." 
 
 I laughed at this ; but Tom Moody was as 
 serious as a Quaker. 
 
 A few strides more, and the whipper-in — 
 who had never been thrown out of a chase 
 before, and never was since till the day of his 
 death — was beaten. I hallooed him forward ; 
 but he shook his head, and dismounted from 
 his almost dying horse. 
 
 Nick's Own seemed to know that he had 
 beaten every rival in the race — for it was 
 more like a race than a hunt. With renewed 
 energy he rattled along till I had to check 
 him at the tails of the hounds. With the fox 
 not two hundred yards before us, we thus 
 continued the chase. As we were crossing a
 
 OR THE ROAD OF LIFE. 57 
 
 Stubble-field, Struggler fell, and then not 
 a dog was up but the two leaders. The gal- 
 lant hounds strained each muscle and sinew, 
 with undaunted courage and perseverance, to 
 near their victim. As if to preserve their 
 breath, the thunder of their tongues was 
 stilled, and they pursued him silently, al- 
 though in view. 
 
 The shades of evening now began to drop 
 darkly around : still the chase went on. The 
 moon 'struck her pale beams through a thin 
 fleecy cloud ; the bright stars twinkled in the 
 blue firmament, and were reflected in the 
 mirror of waters : still the chase went on. 
 Like gliding shadows the hounds and fox 
 skimmed before me ; but not a yard was 
 gained upon him; hill and dale, heath and 
 moor, were swept across without a sound to be 
 heard, save the heavy beating of my horse's 
 feet, and the occasional yelp of a distant 
 watch-doo- : still the chase went on. 
 
 At length the hounds became fainter to my 
 
 D 5
 
 58 THE STAGE COACH, 
 
 sight. I clapped the spurs to my now jaded 
 horse, but he answered them not, and began 
 to stagger and reel like a toper. A few 
 lengths farther, and down we came into a 
 quagmire. 
 
 I scrambled from the mud, and climbed a 
 bank to see if I could catch a glimpse of 
 the hounds; but they had gone far away, 
 and not a sign of their whereabouts was 
 visible. 
 
 After a lapse of a quarter of an hour, 
 I got Nick's Own from the bog, and led 
 him, jaded almost to death, to a neigh- 
 bouring farm-house, where we stopped the 
 night. 
 
 The following morning I inquired in all 
 directions for the hounds ; but could obtain 
 no information whatever. Not a soul had 
 seen or heard of them, and I had to return 
 home without any intelligence respecting 
 them. 
 
 Days and weeks passed ; but the continued
 
 OR THE ROAD OF LIFE. 59 
 
 search for the hounds proved entirely fruitless. 
 The county was scoured from end to end 
 without effect. At length reports began to 
 be whispered that this desperate hunt must 
 be something more than a mortal one. The 
 old people shook their heads ominously when 
 Brilliant and Brimstone were mentioned, and 
 gave it as their opinion, " that it was lucky 
 Nick's Own fell at last, or I might have been 
 carried to the devil himself perhaps, where 
 they expected the couple of hounds were now 
 kenneled." 
 
 Wonders, however, cease to be wonders 
 when sufficient time has elapsed to scrape oif 
 the paint and varnish. At last the fate of 
 the two leaders was no longer discussed, and 
 they, like many other famous dogs, were 
 forgotten. 
 
 Mr. Wirkem appeared to have arrived at 
 the terminus of his tale. His voice gradually
 
 60 THE STAGE COACH, 
 
 dropped, like a Methodist parson's winding 
 up an harangue, and, to the disappointment of 
 John Hogg, he came deliberately to a full 
 stop. 
 
 " I hope that isn't the last stage," said the 
 Vice-president. 
 
 " Why, not quite," replied Mr. Wirkem. 
 " It's the last but one, though ; and I wanted 
 to wash my mouth out before I proceeded," 
 continued he, raising his glass. 
 
 *' Ay," added Jacob Plywel, " talking 
 makes one's throat dry and dusty as an un- 
 watered road in summer." 
 
 " I want to hear uncommon what be- 
 comes o' them poor hounds," observed Jack, 
 looming through a dense cloud of smoke. 
 
 " You shall hear as far as I know. Jack, 
 presently," replied Mr. Wirkem. " But snuff 
 those candles first, and stir up the fire." 
 
 Again John's thumb and finger were 
 damped to perform the required office ; and.
 
 OR THE ROAD OF LIFE. 61 
 
 after it was done, and the coals poked 
 into a roaring blaze, Mr. Wirkem resumed 
 his posture of ease, and continued his 
 story.
 
 62 THE STAGE COACH, 
 
 CHAPTER III. 
 
 THE DEVIL'S HUNT CONCLUDED. 
 
 About a twelvemonth after this event (said 
 Mr. Wirkem), a vacancy occurred in the box 
 of the old Regulator, caused by that which 
 makes a gap in all mortal occupations — 
 grim-visaged Death. Poor Bob ! he pulled 
 up at the Blue Boar as usual, while the 
 church clock was striking the hour ; and just 
 as the last stroke fell upon the bell, the reins 
 dropped from his fingers : his spirit had 
 started on another road ; but I'll be answera- 
 ble it was the right one. 
 
 I was a great favourite of the proprietor, 
 and, with my Lord's consent, was forthwith 
 appointed to the situation, which I filled forty
 
 OR THE ROAD OF LIFE. 63 
 
 years and nine months, and took but five 
 holidays in the whole time. 
 
 I had been driving seven years to a day, 
 when one dark morning in the middle of 
 November I started with one outside passen- 
 ger, who had the box-seat, and not a soul 
 inside. He was a rough-looking customer in 
 the face, and carried no luggage, except a 
 blue bag, which he held between his knees. 
 I am no great beauty myself ; but, I think, 
 of all the queer physiognomies I ever put 
 eyes on, he had the queerest. His eyebrows 
 were so rough and shaggy that they almost 
 covered his daylights, and they sparkled under 
 them like two hot coals. There was no 
 bridge to his nose ; in fact, he had no nose at 
 all, but merely the thick end of one, which 
 turned up, and looked like a large pear. His 
 mouth was a lipless slit, and a pair of short, 
 black, scrubby whiskers met under a large fat 
 double chin. He wore a brown- worsted skull- 
 cap, and a Mackintosh cape, much the worse
 
 64 THE STAGE COACH, 
 
 for work. I didn't like the appearance of 
 this customer, I can assure ye, and I began to 
 speculate as to what he was, and what he was 
 travelling for ; but, as I couldn't learn much 
 by that, I commenced a little of the cross- 
 examination principle. 
 
 " It's a very unpleasant morning, sir," said 
 I, just as we got off the stones of Peter- 
 bridge. 
 
 " I knew that afore you told me," he 
 growled in reply. 
 
 Oh, of the surly order, eh ! thought I. But 
 I always could sweeten a sour temper, and, 
 being only one to talk to, I thought it worth 
 while to try in this case. I was just going to 
 make the observation that " there could be 
 little doubt of his knowledge in all matters " 
 — when he seemed to know what I was going 
 to say before I spoke a word. 
 
 " Most people are of your opinion," said 
 he ; " but I am not so well informed in some 
 things as 'tis said I am."
 
 OR THE ROx\D OF LIFE. 65 
 
 As you may suppose, I stared when he 
 made this observation ; but he appeared not 
 the least disconcerted at my hard looks. After 
 a considerable pause, I was about saying 
 that " he might as well ease himself of the 
 trouble of holding the blue bag, and put it 
 in the boot" — when, just as before, without 
 a syllable being spoken, he said — 
 
 " Thank you ; but I invariably carry this 
 property myself. It's too valuable to trust 
 out of my own possession." 
 
 Well, if I was astonished at what he said 
 before, I w^as totally stuck and wholly stammed 
 at this. Although it was so cold a morning, 
 drops of perspiration burst out of my skin 
 and trickled down my nose* " Who the devil 
 can he be !" thought I. 
 
 *' Haw, haw, haw !" laughed the queer pas- 
 senger ; " you'd like to know, w^ouldn't ye ?" 
 
 I was oroino: to ask him whether I had 
 spoken. 
 
 " You must be as good a judge about that
 
 66 THE STAGE COACH, 
 
 as I am," said he, without my giving utterance 
 to a word. 
 
 Sirs, I was doubled up all of a heap. '' I 
 won't think any more of you," thought I to 
 myself. 
 
 " Then your society will not be so agree- 
 able as I anticipated," observed the queer 
 passenger, taking a short pipe from his pocket : 
 " and so here goes for a whiff," continued he. 
 
 Habit made me inclined to ask whether I 
 should pull up at the next cottage to get a 
 light, and the words were on the tip of my 
 tongue, when they were stopped short by his 
 saying — 
 
 " You're polite, against your will. Accept 
 my sincere thanks for your kindness ; but I 
 always carry about me the means of procuring 
 a light. Look !" 
 
 With this he appeared merely to breathe 
 into his pipe, and immediately such a cloud 
 came from his mouth that almost hid the 
 team from my sight. It had a very strong,
 
 OR TPIE ROAD OF LIFE. 67 
 
 strange smell too, quite unlike any tobacco that 
 ever came under my notice. The fire in the 
 bowl crackled and snapped as he puffed away, 
 like the funnel of a steam-boat, and he seemed 
 to be enjoying himself 'to a remarkable de- 
 gree. I felt queerer and queerer. I tried to 
 sing ; but not a song or a tune could I re- 
 member. Then I screwed up my lips for a 
 whistle ; but not a sound would come from 
 them. No ; all my thoughts and senses were 
 engaged in thinking of the chap on the box- 
 seat, and nothing on my part would stop them. 
 I did all I could to drag myself from wondering 
 and speculating ; but my eyes fell upon the 
 blue bag, and I couldn't help saying to 
 myself, " I'd give a crown to look inside 
 of it." 
 
 " 'Tisn't worth the money," said he, taking 
 away the pipe, and sending forth a volume of 
 smoke as black and as thick as a thunder- 
 cloud. " You may have a peep at the pro- 
 perty in this lawyer's bag for nothing some
 
 68 THE STAGE COACH, 
 
 day," continued he with a chuckle, '*when 
 you'd prefer looking at any thing else." 
 
 I was more puzzled than ever. " Heaven 
 and earth !" I mentally exclaimed. 
 
 " Come, come," said he angrily, " leave the 
 former spot alone. ' Being of the earth, 
 earthy,' you may talk of that." 
 
 I had not spoken or uttered a word. 
 
 " No," continued he ; ** but a thought en- 
 gendered is as bad as a thought expressed." 
 
 I was struck all of a heap, as it were. 
 There I sat mute with fear and astonishment, 
 with the reins and the whip clutched in my 
 hands, but my eyes riveted on the blue bag. 
 
 " You are still curious about my property, 
 I see," observed the queer passenger. ^' But 
 all the information respecting it that you'll 
 get," continued he, " is this, that although it's 
 purely personal, in the strictest sense of the 
 term, yet it may truly be described as being 
 entailed.'' 
 
 Just as he had concluded this we neared
 
 OR THE ROAD OF LIFE. 69 
 
 the end of the first stage. I felt quite a re- 
 lief as I saw the fresh osses on the top of the 
 next hill, and Harry Sljgo at their heads. I 
 let out my whip, and flanked the leaders into 
 a spinning gallop. Away we rolled at a 
 youthful pace, and were about half-way up the 
 hill, when a hollow note, something like the 
 cry of a distant hound, caught my ear. The 
 queer passenger threw his ears forward like a 
 startled hare, and then it was that I first saw 
 how uncommon long they were. Again the 
 sound was audible. 
 
 " It's them ! it's them !" cried he wildly, 
 throwing away his pipe, which scudded away 
 in the air like an oyster-shell. '^ Pull up in- 
 stantly," continued he ; "I thought I should 
 join them here to-day, although they outran 
 me all to nothing." 
 
 Without asking why or wherefore, I did as 
 I was ordered, and brought the old Regulator 
 to a standstill as soon as possible. 
 
 Excitement flashed in the eyes of the queer
 
 70 THE STAGE COACH, 
 
 passenger, and lit them up as brightly as 
 the gas -lamps. He stood upright on the 
 box, and looked like a stag gathered for a 
 spring. 
 
 " Here they come !" he shouted, as the 
 sound neared us : "I see 'em ; tally-ho ! 
 tally-ho !" 
 
 Just as he had finished the view-halloo, 
 something white swept across the road, about 
 fifty yards from the horses' heads. I strained 
 my eyes to discover what it was — it was the 
 skeleton of a fox ! 
 
 *' Haw, haw, haw!" laughed the queer 
 passenger, and again his cheer burst from his 
 throat ; for, as I have said, he had no lips. 
 
 The varmint lifted the bone of his brush, 
 and slipped through a gap in the hedge, when, 
 just as he disappeared, two larger skeletons, 
 running neck and neck, followed in his track, 
 with the speed of light. 
 
 " Harkaway ! harkaw^ay !" hallooed the 
 queer passenger, and with a loud laugh he
 
 OR THE ROAD OF LIFE. 71 
 
 leaped into the air, and glided off in the thin 
 fog with his bk 
 of him or them. 
 
 fog with his blue bag, till I could see no more 
 
 Mr. Wirkem paused, and looked trium- 
 phantly round the table. Curiosity was still 
 depicted in each countenance, but the old 
 coachman resumed his pipe, and appeared to 
 have nothing more to say. 
 
 At length the Vice-president broke the 
 reigning silence by asking Mr. Wirkem 's 
 opinion as to what the skeletons were. 
 
 " Why, those of Brimstone, Brilliant, and 
 the fox, to be sure," replied the old coach- 
 man, elevating his eyebrows with affected 
 surprise at the question. 
 
 " But who the devil was the queer pas- 
 senger?" inquired Jacob Plywel. 
 
 " Why, the devil, of course," responded 
 Mr. Wirkem, '' who without doubt had his 
 tail coiled up in the lawyer's bag." 
 
 As the old coachman concluded his story,
 
 72 THE STAGE COACH, 
 
 the bell from a church clock boomed the 
 hour of midnight. As the last stroke fell, he 
 rose from his chair, and lifted a broad-brimmed 
 hat from a peg. 
 
 An inward rumble was heard as he placed 
 it upon his head, and his face was purple from 
 suppressed laughter. Jack's vigilant eye 
 caught a glimpse of Mr. Wirkem's secret 
 mirth. 
 
 " Haw, haw, haw ! Oh, Mr. Wirkem, sir, if 
 you ain't been a-cooking us brown !" roared 
 Jack. 
 
 Then such a peal of laughter came from 
 his lips, and was joined in by the assembly, 
 while far and wide the sounds of mirth were 
 echoed and re-echoed. 
 
 " I knew we should have a clipper," said 
 John Hogg, admiringly, while a large tear, from 
 excessive laughter, stood glistening in his eye. 
 
 " What an inwentive brain you've got, 
 Dick Wirkem," said the Vice-president, buck- 
 ling on a waterproof cape.
 
 OR THE ROAD OF LIFE. 73 
 
 The old coachman looked gratified at the 
 compliments paid to his inventive genius, and 
 exchanged friendly parting grasps with his 
 companions. After many shakes and counter- 
 shakes, the last '* good night" was said ; the 
 key of the locker holding the tempting stores 
 was handed to Mr. Wirkem by the reluctant 
 John Hogg, who, however, took especial care 
 to make himself a " snorter" beforehand ; and 
 that worthy individual betook himself to his 
 hayloft, in a much better humour with him- 
 self and mankind than when he left it. 
 
 VOL. 1.
 
 74 THE STAGE COACH, 
 
 CHAPTER IV. 
 
 THE INTRODUCTION. 
 
 The following club-night all the members 
 were present, but, contrary to Mr. Wirkem's 
 anticipations, there was no addition to the 
 number. 
 
 '' I expected," said the old coachman, after 
 a dense cloud of smoke had curled from his 
 lips, " to have seen some more chalked-off 
 mates here this evening, as one-eyed Jack has 
 been as busy as a bee among flowers, going the 
 rounds and advertising our meetings." 
 
 " Strike me fortenate !" exclaimed John 
 Hogg, occupying his former position upon the 
 bottom of the stable-pail ; " I went to every 
 house o' call I could think of, but not a drags- 
 man out o' luck could I find. I think they
 
 OR THE ROAD OF LIFE. 75 
 
 must all ha' laid wiolent hands on theirselves. 
 Howsomdever," continued he, with a shake of 
 the head which heartfelt grief could alone 
 produce, '* the Brighton Rail opens next week, 
 and then, oh Lor ! there'll be bushels on 'em 
 cooked to tinder !" 
 
 " Ay," added the Vice-president, sipping 
 his brandy- and- water, " we shall have some of 
 the swells among us then. What a road that 
 have been for broken-knee'd gentlemen !" 
 
 " Very true, Bill Johnson," observed Mr. 
 Wirkem, '' that road has been a favourite for 
 well-bred Whips, and a finer set o' fellows 
 never handled ribands. What's to become of 
 'em now God knows — I don't. " 
 
 " Turn stokers, I 'spose," growled John 
 Hogg ; " which purfession is wery like a dust- 
 man's or some'at worse." 
 
 " Well," said Jacob Plywel, " they'll meet 
 with a hearty welcome here, at any rate ; and, 
 if they're down upon their condition, we'll try 
 to put 'em up." 
 
 E 2
 
 76 THE STAGE COACH, 
 
 " Well said, Jacob," returned Mr. Wirkem, 
 approvingly, " that sentiment is the finger- 
 post from all, I know." 
 
 At this moment a slight, very slight tap 
 was heard at the door of the apartment. John 
 Hogg rose with alacrity from his seat, to 
 answer the summons. " Ah, old Buck !" he 
 exclaimed, throwing open the door and drag- 
 ging the person addressed into the room, " I 
 thought it might be you : tip us your mauler," 
 continued Jack, grasping the proffered hand 
 of the stranger. 
 
 The appearance of Jack's acquaintance at- 
 tracted the attention of the assembly, and 
 some partly-smothered exclamations of sur- 
 prise were heard from various quarters. 
 
 He was a man who might have seen up- 
 wards of sixty winters. His hair was very 
 gray, and his features thin and pale, except 
 the extreme tip of his nose, which was a 
 bright scarlet, evincing in its glowing colour 
 his practical fondness for strong liquids. His
 
 OR THE ROAD OF I,IFE. 77 
 
 face was strikingly long, as if it had been 
 drawn down habitually, either from playing 
 the flute or the mute ; and his eyes had that 
 dull leaden look which brings to mind the 
 bleared ones of a boiled fish. Upon the back 
 of his head was stuck an old silk hat, so bent 
 and worn that neither time nor friction could 
 further add to its decayed condition. Round a 
 long thin neck a yellowish white neckerchief 
 was twisted, with its long ends left to dangle 
 on the outside of a rusty black cloth coat, 
 closely buttoned to his throat, excepting that 
 here and there a fractured button-hole or 
 absconded button rendered a fastening im- 
 practicable. Thick, long boots, apparently 
 designed for "tops," but curtailed of their 
 fair proportions, were pulled up and strapped 
 to a pair of black velveteen breeches; and 
 cotton gloves, formerly white, through which 
 some of his fingers peeped, completed his un- 
 prepossessing costume. 
 
 " Mr. Wirkem, sir," said Jack, pointing to
 
 78 THE STAGE COACH, 
 
 his friend, " this is Joseph Wyper, commonly 
 called ' Melancholy Joey.' He's a partickler 
 friend of mine ; and an old un too," continued 
 Jack, while a bright spark glowed in his 
 solitary eye ; "for he got on my blind-side 
 twenty year ago, an more." 
 
 Mr. Wirkem's sides became convulsed, and 
 a loud laugh burst from the lips of the others. 
 " Good, Jack, good !" exclaimed the old coach- 
 man, after his sides became settled. " Go 
 on," continued he; let's know what coach 
 Melancholy Joey drove, and then put him in 
 a chair." 
 
 " It was a Gravesefid stage, sir," replied 
 Jack, placing much emphasis upon the name. 
 
 " A pair-oss, or a four-oss ?" laconically in- 
 quired Mr. Wirkem. 
 
 " Sometimes one, and sometimes t'other," 
 replied John : " that is to say," added he, 
 " when he drove the pair it was a reg'lar built 
 coach, but when he handled the four it was a 
 sort o' wan."
 
 OR THE ROAD OF LIFE. 79 
 
 A light seemed to break suddenly upon 
 Mr. Wirkem's imagination. With a jerk he 
 withdrew his pipe from his lips, and, laying it 
 upon the table, he took a very slow and 
 minute survey of Melancholy Joey's exterior. 
 Upon his expansive feet Mr. Wirkem's eyes 
 rested : gradually they were raised, until the 
 dilapidated hat was examined. Then, and 
 not till then, the old coachman's ribs again 
 shook " like aspen leaves in a zephyr's breath." 
 His face became as purple as a ripe mulberry, 
 and it was very evident an internal cachin- 
 natory explosion had taken place. 
 
 An egg might have been boiled lightly ere 
 anything like gravity was resumed by Mr. 
 Wirkem. At length, however, he contrived 
 to ease off the extreme pressure of his inward 
 mirth, and in a sort of roar, mingled with 
 laughter, he hallooed out, " D — n me, if he 
 ain't a Black-yard dragsman !" 
 
 " Ha, ha, ha ! oh ! Mr. Wirkem, sir," ex- 
 claimed John Hogg, "you've clapped the
 
 80 THE STAGE COACH, 
 
 collar on the right oss, so help me Betsy- 
 Baker !" 
 
 The correctness of Mr. Wirkem's statement 
 thus being confirmed, caused another eruption 
 in the old coachman's capacious bosom, and a 
 peal of ringing mirth from all the rest except 
 the Vice-president, who looked gravity per- 
 sonified. At the conclusion of their boisterous 
 laugh, which echoed merrily away far and 
 wide, Bill Johnson rose hesitatingly from his 
 chair, and looked towards Mr. Wirkem. 
 
 " Order ! order !" shouted the President, 
 tapping the table with the bowl of his pipe : 
 " order for the Vice ! Silence, you Tom Short, 
 there, cork up for a little while," continued 
 Mr. Wirkem. 
 
 The required order being obtained. Bill 
 Johnson, with a slight nervous cough and a 
 perceptible quiver of the lips, commenced that 
 trying ordeal for orators of every degree, a 
 maiden address. 
 
 " Mr. President and gentlemen," began he :
 
 OR THE ROAD OF LIFE. 81 
 
 ^* I hate pride in all shapes, and I do think 
 no man present or absent can say he ever saw 
 in me what may be called a spice o' vanity. 
 But I'm one o' those that think we should all 
 keep our own natural seats, and not go and 
 climb into other men's boxes. Supposing I 
 was to go to the House o' Lords, and say to 
 the chairman, 'I've come to mount your 
 dickey' — (Hear, hear, hear ! cheered Tom 
 Short) — I say supposing I was to take that 
 road," continued the speaker, " shouldn't I be 
 out of my proper path and be a reg'lar tres- 
 passer ?" 
 
 " To be sure you would," replied Mr. 
 Wirkem. 
 
 " I expected that answer from you, sir," 
 rejoined the orator. " And why should I be ? 
 Because," continued he, " I couldn't show no 
 right whatever to be there : because my claim 
 could not be backed by any legitimate rider : 
 in short, because a very slight notice to quit, 
 followed up by a kick in the rear, would to a 
 
 E 5
 
 82 THE STAGE COACH, 
 
 certainty be a successful and lawful mode of 
 making my presence uncommon scarce in that 
 company." 
 
 ** Bra — vo !" shouted Jacob Plywel. 
 
 " There's no 'umbug about me," continued 
 the speaker. " Still I'll not tamely sit down 
 and see a man shove his nose into this Society, 
 or have it shoved in by a proxy, which is one 
 and the same thing, without raising my voice 
 against the attempt. And without wasting 
 any more wind, I mean to say this — Mr. 
 Joseph Wyper, a-li-as Melancholy Joey, does 
 not come within the meaning of our way-bill ; 
 that he is not a proper coachman, and never 
 was, and cannot be permitted to take a seat 
 among us. The very name of our society 
 proves what I say to be true. ' The chalked- 
 
 OFF DRAGSMEN'S FREE AND EASY ' is what Mr. 
 Wirkem christened it, and I should like to 
 know how he proves himself one o' these. If 
 he can, I'll touch my beaver ; but if he can't, 
 I move that he be bowled out forthwith."
 
 OR THE ROAD OF LIFE. 83 
 
 " Mr. Wirkem, sir !" exclaimed John Hogg, 
 angrily, scarcely being able to control himself 
 from interrupting the speaker ere he sat down, 
 " I can prove " 
 
 " Stop, John, stop !" said the President, 
 waving his hand for Jack to maintain silence ; 
 and rising with stateliness from his arm-chair, 
 " gentlemen," said he, " free discussion is the 
 pole-chain of an Englishman's liberties. With- 
 out it, in my opinion, we should run down hill 
 in double quick time, and have an awful smash 
 at the bottom, or perhaps before we got there. 
 There will be always differences of opinion 
 among us ; but still that is no reason w^hy 
 there should be anything like a screw loose 
 about the springs of the heart ; nor should it 
 be sufficient cause to raise the bristles of the 
 temper." 
 
 " Ain't he a wonder at a speech ?" whis- 
 pered Jack to his friend. 
 
 Melancholy Joey gave a single nod of ac- 
 quiescence, but kept his eyes bent sleepily 
 upon Mr. Wirkem.
 
 84 THE STAGE COACH, 
 
 "The question before us," continued the 
 President, " is in a nutshell. It is one of our 
 rules that any chalked-ofF dragsmau, whether 
 he may have been the driver of a pair-oss or 
 a four-oss coach, shall, if he thinks proper, 
 spread his legs under this mahogany. Well ! 
 now in the first place can this Mr. Joseph 
 Wyper be considered a coachman ? I think 
 he can, on account of our not naming what 
 colour the vehicle was to be, and there can be 
 no doubt he has been in the constant habit of 
 driving a black un. A coach is a coach, and 
 must be considered as such, whether it be yel- 
 low, red, blue, or black." 
 
 "But a hearse isn't a coach, sir," suggested 
 the Vice-president. 
 
 " The machine wot the moaners ride in is 
 though," croaked Joey in a voice that resem- 
 bled an antiquated rook under the influence 
 of a bad cold. 
 
 " Well done, old Melancholy," said Jack, 
 giving bis friend a smack of encouragement 
 upon the back.
 
 OR THE ROAD OF LIFE. 85 
 
 "And I've driv the mopers as often as the 
 cold-meat wan," continued Joey. 
 
 " That's a stopper, and no mistake," added 
 Jack approvingly. 
 
 " You hear, gentlemen," said Mr. Wirkem, 
 **and, in my judgment, so much of the case 
 is in favour of the candidate. Then comes the 
 simple part of the business, how he proves 
 himself to be chalked-off by the rail ; for it 
 was well understood such must be the condi- 
 tion of every one coming here as a member. 
 If Mr. Wyper can support this remaining 
 clause in our rules, I shall give him my vote ; 
 but if he can't, it will be against him." 
 
 Mr. Wirkem took his seat, while a murmur 
 of applause fell from the lips of all save Bill 
 Johnson, who felt that the President had been 
 rather too partial an advocate for Melancholy 
 Joey's admission. 
 
 " Stand for'ard," said Jack, pushing his 
 friend towards the table. " Hold your head 
 up, and speak out like a trump."
 
 86 THE STAGE COACH, 
 
 According to Jack's suggestion, Melancholy 
 Joey raised his chin, and began in a sepul- 
 chral voice the justification of his plea. 
 
 " I tell ye wot it is, sirs," said he ; " my 
 master had a black yard for ten year, and his 
 father had it afore him. I druv for the old 
 governor five-an-twenty year, and at last druv 
 him on his last journey. Well, sirs, his son 
 took on to the business, and a very good un it 
 was, for, do ye see, the jobs come in uncom- 
 mon reg'lar in the darky trade, and I may say 
 I was as comfortable under the young un for 
 a length o' time as under the old un. A slice 
 o' luck fell to the young master's share soon 
 after he started on his own account. The in- 
 fulenzer and colery mob-us came into work, 
 and if they didn't box people up in pretty 
 quick time, say I'm no judge. Our teams 
 became real living skeletons from over-work ; 
 coffins, mutes, palls, and undertakers riz in 
 the market wonderful. Howsomdever, things 
 won't always glide smooth. The vind o' good
 
 OR THE ROAD OF LIFE. 87 
 
 fortin often blows the plume o' feathers for 
 just t'other way. I was drinking ' success to 
 trade ' the very last job I had to do with, 
 and was on the point of mounting to drive 
 the coach that the chief mopers was to ride 
 in, w^hen a pal, sirs, as was acting the mute 
 on one side the doorpost, said * Joey, I'm 
 d — d if things ain't a little queer at home !' 
 Says I, ' what do you mean. Bob V Says he, 
 " Blest if you don't see, when you get back 
 to the yard agin.' A sort o' cold clammy 
 feelin came over me when I heerd Bob say 
 this, for he was as artful a card as ever put on 
 a claronet face at a job. I couldn't do nothin 
 but think of his words the whole time I was 
 a drivin, and once I put the prads into a sharp 
 trot, forgettin, from want to learn the worst, 
 where I was, and what I was a doin of. But 
 to cut the matter short, sirs, I found, when 
 we got home, every wan, coach, horse, har- 
 nesses, and all our traps of every kind, grabbed 
 by the sheriff's bums. It was a awful blow
 
 88 THE STAGE COACH, 
 
 to my feelins, sirs, I assure ye. Five-an- 
 thirty year I lived in that place. It was the 
 only home I could remember ever to have had, 
 and the only one I wished to keep. But 
 ' quit ' was the order and quick the motion. 
 The next day master was made into a bank- 
 rup." 
 
 Melancholy Joey paused, and drew the cufF 
 of his dexter sleeve across his eyes. 
 
 "Keep up your pluck," whispered John 
 Hogg; " don't come the soft. Go on." 
 
 But Joey was too much affected to proceed. 
 He tried to swallow his sorrow by spasmodic 
 gulps, but his gorge seemed to have swollen, 
 and he could not get it down. 
 
 " Here, give him a drop o' this, Jack," said 
 Mr. Wirkem, offering a glass of brandy-and- 
 water bearing the colour of very dark ma- 
 hogany. 
 
 " Take a stiff pull," suggested Jack ; " it's 
 a real choker to care." 
 
 After the major part of the contents of the
 
 OR THE ROAD OF LIFE. 89 
 
 glass had been drained bj Melancholy Joey, 
 a slight, very slight tinge of a smile flickered 
 upon his features, like a sickly sunbeam 
 through a thick November fog. The genial 
 warmth of the strong mixture thawed the icy 
 care at his breast, and, until he was reminded 
 by a triumphant cough from Bill Johnson 
 that his case required still further support. 
 Melancholy Joey's thermometer rose ten de- 
 grees. But down it went again below zero, 
 as his misfortunes were summoned to his me- 
 mory again, and he looked the sorrow his 
 tongue refused to tell. 
 
 " Now, Mr. Wyper," said the President, 
 after sufficient time had been given him to re- 
 gain his composure, "I suppose you've got 
 something more to say." 
 
 " Time, Joey, time ;" added Jack, giving 
 him a friendly dig in the ribs with the end of 
 a straightened thumb. " Come to the scratch, 
 my tulip," continued he. 
 
 " A few more words '11 settle the job,"
 
 90 THE STAGE COACH, 
 
 groaned Joey. " Master had a trial, or a 
 hexaminatioD, or some'at o' the sort, b^efore 
 some gentlemen wot seemed to take uncom- 
 mon partickler interest in his affairs, when it 
 turned out he had been a spekulatin with all 
 his money, and a good deal of other people's, 
 in Railroad Companies, and the consekence 
 was, sirs, ducks and drakes had been made with 
 the tin. The rail gave him, as it has thou- 
 sands of others, a nasty wipe in a tender spot, 
 and, with many other innercent creeturs, I 
 suffered for another's wrong-doin." 
 
 The speaker's voice wound up gradually, 
 and, as he came to a full stop, his hand was 
 clutched by John Hogg, who, after giving it 
 a vigorous shake, exclaimed, " Put me up ! 
 but it was a top sawyer of a speech. Now, 
 Mr. Wirkem, sir, worn't he chalked off by 
 the rail?" 
 
 " Silence, John, silence ! " returned the 
 President, rising from his chair. " Gentle- 
 men," continued he, " you have heard the
 
 OR THE ROAD OF LIFE. 91 
 
 Statement made by Mr. Joseph Wyper, which 
 I think a very fair one, regarding his claim 
 for admission into our Society. In my opi- 
 nion, he has made out a clear case ; but as 
 others may not agree with me, perhaps our 
 worthy Vice will divide upon the question." 
 
 " No, no, no !" said several voices. 
 
 " What say you, Bill Johnson ?" inquired 
 Mr. Wirkem, resuming his seat. 
 
 " As I see the majority is against me," re- 
 plied the Vice-president rather in a sulky tone, 
 " I shall not press the motion, but eat humble 
 pie." 
 
 " And a good dish it is," added Jack, " with 
 a beef-steak in the middle." 
 
 " Mr. Joseph Wyper," said the President, 
 " you're installed one of us ; an honour which, 
 with one exception, we think nem. con. you're 
 entitled to. Take a seat by the side of your 
 friend Jack, and mix your liquor." 
 
 Close to the pail John Hogg drew an old 
 rush-bottom chair from a dark corner of the
 
 92 THE STAGE COACH, 
 
 room. It was smothered with grey dust, and 
 thick cobwebs woven from leg to leg showed 
 many a night had passed since it had been 
 drawn from its old quarters. 
 
 " There, old chap," said John Hogg, giving 
 the seat a bang with his broad hand, sending 
 a cloud of dust in all directions, " bring your- 
 self to anchor there, and lock yer wheels with- 
 out more ceremony." And, suiting the action 
 to the word, he gave Melancholy Joey a push 
 which sent him suddenly into the seat. Either 
 time had rendered the rushes very rotten, or 
 Joey's weight was greater than it appeared to 
 be ; for no sooner did the honourable part of 
 his person salute the chair, than through the 
 bottom he crashed, bringing his knees close 
 to his chin, and elevating his heels far above 
 his head. 
 
 A roar of laughter followed this exhibition 
 of Joey, and it was some minutes before Jack 
 could recover sufficient strength, from his ex- 
 cessive mirth, to drag his friend from his lu-
 
 OR THE ROAD OF LIFE. 93 
 
 dicroiis and unpleasant position. In a short 
 time, however, another seat was found, and 
 Joey's inward man found great consolation in 
 a large, round, fat -looking tumbler of grog, 
 which John Hogg mixed with a very slight 
 infusion of aqtta 'piira. 
 
 When silence was restored, Mr. Wirkem 
 observed, " As the call is with me, I require 
 you, Jacob, to give us a song. I can't say I 
 ever heard you tune up a stave ; but ye have 
 a singing face, so off ye go." 
 
 Jacob Plywel had been the driver of the 
 Bath Era, and was a favourite with the old 
 ladies who frequented that place to drink bit- 
 ter water, deal out as bitter scandal, and play 
 whist, for his urbanity of manners and supe- 
 rior behaviour. But Jacob was a wag, and 
 after bowing an extra half-crown from the 
 purse of one of his patronesses, it was no un- 
 common occurrence for him to laugh in his 
 sleeve at the " old piece of muslin," as he 
 would call her, and, winking his eye, ask
 
 94 THE STAGE COACH, 
 
 " whether she was passed ironing out f " Ja- 
 cob's person was tall and thin, and was gene- 
 rally decked in a bright green cut-away coat 
 with large gilt basket buttons, very narrow 
 and tight black trousers, with a long buff 
 waistcoat reaching nearly to his hips. His 
 hat was rather low in the crown, with a well 
 turned-up brim, which, bending down behind 
 and before, shaded features of the order deno- 
 minated " sharp." His nose was narrow and 
 aquiline, and barely served to separate a pair 
 of small black eyes, bright and glowing as a 
 snake's. 
 
 " I tell you this, Dick Wirkem," said he, 
 " you've waked up the wrong passenger. I 
 can't—" 
 
 '^ Ya-hip ! what's that I hear ?" interrupted 
 the President. 
 
 " I beg your pardon," replied Jacob, calling 
 to memory that regulation of can't and won't. 
 " But, upon my word, I'm no songster," con- 
 tinued he.
 
 OR THE ROAD OF LIFE. 95 
 
 " Do your best, and we shall be satisfied," 
 rejoined Mr. Wirkem. 
 
 " All right then," added Jacob ; and, in a 
 tone which at once belied his assertion, he 
 commenced in a manly voice the following 
 words : — 
 
 How bright is the hour when Memory brings 
 
 The friends we have loved, and the past which has fled, 
 
 When from leaves that are scatter'd an odour she flings 
 More sweet when the flower is wither'd and dead. 
 
 Oh ! what were this world, if the love we have felt 
 In our happiest moments could never return 
 
 To rapture again the sad heart where it dwelt. 
 And dry up the tears it receives in its urn ! 
 
 Thus is it in life, when the frown's on the brow. 
 And despair at the heart has silver'd the head. 
 
 That we love to look back to our earliest vow. 
 And murmur its spell to the name of the dead ! 
 
 Though Hope with her dreams may bewilder the eye 
 Of those to whom pleasure has been but a vision ; 
 
 Though her heaven she steep in that varying dye 
 Which creates for the dreamer a world all Elysian ;
 
 96 THE STAGE COACH, 
 
 Yet Memory to me is dearer by far, 
 
 Though faded her brightness, though sadder her 
 dreams ; 
 To the lover 'tis sweeter to worship one star. 
 
 Than kneel to a heaven of numberless beams. 
 
 " Jacob Plywel," said Mr. Wirkem, after 
 the applause had subsided which followed the 
 song, " saying / canH to the first time of ask- 
 ing, in a woman is well enough. They like to 
 jib a little, in order to make a start that'll 
 send fire from flints. Pretty creeturs !" con- 
 tinued the old coachman, with a smile of ad- 
 miration illuminating his features ; " it's their 
 natur, just as it is for a ram to butt and a 
 mule to kick. But for a man to come that 
 Tom-Tit-and- Jenny- Wren -go, it's — upon my 
 word it's — worse than brandy-and-water — -" 
 
 " Brandy-and-water!" exclaimed John 
 Hogg, interrupting the President, while his 
 one eye became as expanded as a full-blown 
 sunflower : *' worse than brandy-and-water, 
 Mr. Wirkem, sir !"
 
 OR THE ROAD OF LIFE. 97 
 
 " Without brandy, I was going to add, 
 John," rejoined the old coachman, " only 
 you've got a vicious trick of taking folks up 
 before they've said their say." 
 
 " Beg pardon — but — Oh, Mr. Wirkem, 
 sir," roared Jack, " i/ou'l\ never become a 
 everlastin President of a Teetotalism-cofFee- 
 muffin-and-be-d — d Society, I know." 
 
 " Hush, John, hush !" returned Mr. Wirkem, 
 reprovingly ; " swear not in joy or in sorrow, 
 in mirth or in pain." 
 
 " Very good, sir ! " added Jack ; " I'll 
 think o' them w^ords, partickerly when my 
 corns are a achin ; for if ever I feel wishful 
 to rap out a rum un, it's on them occasions. 
 Oh, Lor ! in wet weather how they do twinge !" 
 said he, appealing for sympathy to his friend 
 Melancholy Joey. But Mr. Wyper was too 
 engaged with his own cares to pay the least 
 attention to those of others. He sat with his 
 chin upon his hands, and elbows resting upon 
 his knees, gazing at the bright coals in the 
 
 VOL. I F
 
 9S THE STAGE COx\CH, 
 
 grate. Here and there he saw old familiar 
 scenes in the consuming fuel. A hearse was 
 well shaped, and a coffin — never was a coffin 
 better modelled. Pop — bang ! — and out came 
 the hollow mass with a whiz, just between 
 Joey's legs. Fate winged the shaft. He 
 would have grasped the red hot thing ; but 
 he valued his fingers. " Oh !" groaned Joey, 
 and he thought of " the light of other days." 
 *' Now, Dick Wirkem," said Jacob Plywel, 
 " I think it's my turn." 
 
 " To be sure it is," replied the President, 
 
 giving a very significant nod towards the Vice. 
 
 Jacob returned the signal, and said, " he 
 
 should be glad to hear what Bill Johnson had 
 
 to say." 
 
 Bill Johnson had not recovered his serenity 
 of temper since the failure of his motion ; but 
 when he was singled out to narrate a tale, 
 something like good-humour usurped the 
 shade hovering upon his brow. In his glass 
 was a small quantity of punch, and tossing it
 
 OR THE ROAD OF LIFE. 99 
 
 off to the last drain, he rubbed his hands, 
 crossed his legs, and looked cheerfully pre- 
 pared for the task imposed. 
 
 " I'm sure I hardly know what to tell," 
 said he, at the same time looking the contra- 
 diction of his assertion. 
 
 " Let's have a glass round first," suggested 
 Mr. Wirkem. " Wet your whistle, Bill, my 
 boy, before ye begin to blow." 
 
 " Ah ! Mr. Wirkem, sir," added Jack, ad- 
 miringly ; " that's a real fine rule, that is, an' 
 no two ways about it." 
 
 " Give us a toast or a sentiment, Dick, by 
 way of a nut to our liquor," said Jacob 
 Plywel. 
 
 '' With all my heart," responded the old 
 coachman. " Come, fill away. May the 
 wheels of our friendship never rust or want 
 greasing !" said he. 
 
 " Hooray ! " shouted John Hogg. 
 
 " Capital, Dick — famous !" responded Ja- 
 cob. 
 
 F 2
 
 100 THE STAGE COACH, 
 
 " Silence for Mr. Vice," suggested Tom 
 Short, his right-hand companion. 
 
 After a '' hem" and a " h-hum," Bill John- 
 son commenced. 
 
 " As most of ye know, I was Whip to the 
 Gloucester Telegraph for fifteen year, and 
 during one journey down I became acquainted 
 with rather a strange story, relating to some- 
 body who you must all have heard of." 
 
 '' Who is that?" inquired Mr. Wirkem. 
 
 " Jemmy Wood, the miser," replied the 
 Vice-president. 
 
 " Let's have it, by all means ! " cried the 
 President ; and his Vice proceeded to relate 
 the story which will be found in the next 
 chapter.
 
 OR THE ROAD OF LIFE. 101 
 
 CHAPTER V. 
 
 MONEY. 
 
 It was just twenty year ago this very 
 month, and a cold frosty day as ever numbed 
 a fellow's bunch of fives, or froze his nose 
 into an icicle, that I was tooling the team 
 briskly along towards the old city of Glou- 
 cester. A sharp nor-easter blew in our teeth, 
 and drove a thick sleet agin our faces, stingin 
 'em like hard peas from a peashooter. The 
 snow laid upon the ground pretty thick, and 
 here and there were large high drifts, which 
 threatened to give us a diggin-match before 
 we reached home. Three ins and four outs, 
 with a little luggage, formed the load, so that 
 we ran pretty light considering the state of
 
 102 THE STAGE COACH, 
 
 the roads. We had changed osses for the 
 last stage, and got about two miles a-head, 
 when a wide drift laid across the road, blown 
 through a gate on the off-side, which rose 
 somewhere about four feet in the middle. I 
 pulled up a hundred yards before we came to 
 it, and held a sort of council of war with 
 myself as to what course I should take. 
 
 " I don't know, gentlemen," said I, " but I 
 think we're fixed." 
 
 " Pooh, pooh, pooh!" replied my mate on 
 the box, a somebody clothed up to his eyes ; 
 but there was a somethin about his hat, sirs, 
 that told me at the start he was a Nob, al- 
 though I could see no more of his shape, 
 make, or condition, than a pig in a poke. 
 
 There's a great deal more in a hat than 
 most people think for. No gentleman can 
 look like one without his thatch is of the 
 right sort ; and no coachman can do credit to 
 his seat if his tile ain't comely and suitable. 
 Supposin you see a narrow crown, and little
 
 OR THE ROAD OF LIFE. 103 
 
 pinclied-up brim, I'd bet a pound it covers a 
 poor devil of a usher, parson, schoolmaster, 
 or some such seedy individual. If you see a 
 bell-top, with a brim turned half-way up, and 
 stuck a leetle on one side of the head, that's 
 a horse-dealer, coper, gambling-house swell, 
 or one of the slang-cove tribe. Should it be 
 no partiklar shape, but a reg'lar mongrel, and 
 shoved on well behind, leaving the forehead 
 bare as the back of your hand, you may set that 
 chap down green as a spring cabbage — just 
 one stage from a nateral jackass. But a gen- 
 tleman's hat, although I know it when I see 
 one, is almost out of the reach of my thong. 
 It's neither too high or too low, too broad or 
 too narrow ; a somethin very partickler, yet 
 not lookin so. 
 
 [Mr. Wirkem regarded his own hat upon 
 the peg, and, conceiving that it fully answered 
 the description of the latter, a smile of satis- 
 faction illumined his features, while he added,
 
 104 THE STAGE COACH, 
 
 *' Never mind the hats, Bill ; go on with your 
 story." 
 
 " To be sure I will, Dick Wirkem," replied 
 the Vice-president, " so here goes."] " Pooh, 
 pooh !" says the gentleman (that's where I 
 was, isn't it ?) — 
 
 " You may pooh, pooh, sir," says I, " but 
 you'll find I'm right." 
 
 " Here, here, give me the ribbons," said 
 he, snatchin 'em from me, and shufflin them 
 through his fingers like one who knew how. 
 ** There, now all of you get down, and I'll 
 take 'em through it." 
 
 I didn't much relish this proceedin, but 
 there was somethin in his voice and way which 
 kept me quiet. Without more ado, myself 
 and the outsiders got down, and then he pre- 
 pared to charge the drift, like the Blues did 
 the French at Waterloo. Crack, crack, went 
 the whip, and the gay little team spun for- 
 ward at a splitting pace. Into the snow- 
 bank they rushed up to their bellies. To the
 
 OR THE ROAD OF LIFE. 105 
 
 collars they went, and tugged away like 
 Britons. " Go it, my boys !" hallooed he, 
 tippin em plenty of flax by way of encourage- 
 ment. They had just got through the worst 
 part, and I was thankin my stars for it, when 
 down went the near-wheeler with his head 
 clean under the pole, almost upon his back. 
 
 " There w^e are," said he, as the coach 
 came to a sudden stop, " and no one's fault 
 either. Accidents will occur in the best re- 
 gulated families." 
 
 " So they will, sir," replied I ; " but what 
 are w^e to do now?" 
 
 " Do ! get some spades," said he, throwing 
 off his thick coat, and jumping into the drift, 
 *' and we'll dig the machine out in less time 
 than it took the devil to scorch a feather." 
 
 After takin the osses off, and gettin the 
 fallen one up, I started to get some assistance 
 from a farm-house in sight. Shoulderin four 
 spades, and the farmer, who was the only man 
 
 F 5
 
 106 THE STAGE COACH, 
 
 I could find, carrying three, we trotted back 
 to the coach. 
 
 " Now then to it with a will," said the 
 gentleman-whip, takin a spade, and diggin 
 away like a professional scavenger. 
 
 A good example often does wonders. I 
 couldn't expect the warm insiders to turn out 
 and work ; but all the outsiders I hoped would 
 follow the leader, and so they did exceptin 
 one. This chap stood by, muffled up to the 
 eyes in an old red comforter, and didn't offer 
 to lend a hand. 
 
 " Come, sir, there's a spade for ye," said I, 
 " if you're inclined to give us a little help." 
 
 He laughed at this for all the world like 
 an old hen a-cacklin.~" I never," replied he, 
 ''give any thing. If you want my help, you 
 must buy it." 
 
 '' Ha, ha, ha !" laughed the gentleman- 
 whip. " Ha, ha, ha ! I thought it was him, 
 and now I'm sure of it ;" and then he roared 
 again as if somebody was ticklin the soles of
 
 OR THE ROAD OF LIFE. 107 
 
 his feet with a soft brush. " What, Mr. 
 Wood !" said he, when he'd got the drag 
 upon his haw-haw ! " don't you know me ?" 
 
 ^' Dear me ! what ! eh ! bless me ! I — yes, 
 my Lord, certainly I — ," and without sayin 
 another word, Jemmy Wood, for it was he, 
 started off at a brisk pace, as if he expected 
 somethin unpleasant to follow him. First he 
 looked over one shoulder, then he peeped 
 over the other, and hurried away as fast as 
 the snow would let him. 
 
 " Stop, sir !" said L 
 
 " I've paid my fare," he hallooed back. 
 
 " But the coachman, sir, if you please !" 
 returned I. But he only shook his head, and 
 continued on. Then such another roar came 
 from the lips of the gentleman- whip that I 
 feared almost he'd break his wind, 
 
 " The same Jemmy Wood as ever," said 
 he. " Well, well ! go thy ways, Jemmy ; old 
 sores are healed with me.;'
 
 108 THE STAGE COACH, 
 
 " I had no thought it was him, sir — my 
 Lord," said I, correctin myself. 
 
 " Ay, 5z> will do as well," replied he, 
 shovelling away like a Trojan. 
 
 In a few minutes after this we managed 
 to cut a clear passage through, and, clappin 
 the tits on again, we bowled away towards 
 home. 
 
 " Is Mr. Wood considered as rich as ever?" 
 inquired the gentleman. 
 
 ** Yes, my Lord," replied I — for I felt he 
 was one, although I didn't know his pedi- 
 gree. 
 
 " And how does he live now — in the same 
 water-gruel, hard-crust, pick-bone way ?" re- 
 turned he. 
 
 *' Just the same, I hear, my Lord," said I, 
 " although he's got a mountain of money." 
 
 " Is he charitable ?" asked he. 
 
 "Not even to himself," I replied; "he 
 doesn't allow the common necessaries of life, 
 even to himself."
 
 OR THE ROAD OF LIFE. 109 
 
 " The niggard !" exclaimed his Lordship ; 
 and then with a hearty laugh he added, 
 " what a rival I had !" 
 
 These last words struck me as uncom- 
 mon peculiar; but being spoken as if they 
 were intended only for himself to hear, I held 
 my tongue, although I wanted to give a hint 
 as to the meanin of 'em. 
 
 It was gettin dusk as we approached the 
 city : one by one the stars came out, and 
 glistened like the foam of the sea in the har- 
 vest-moon. 
 
 " It will be a stingin frost to-night," said 
 I, " or my judgment's on the wrong side o' 
 the road." 
 
 " It looks and feels as if it would," replied 
 his Lordship. " I shall not go further than 
 Gloucester this evening. Which is the best 
 inn?" 
 
 '' Where we stop ; the old Booth Hall is, I 
 think, a.s good as any of 'em," rejoined I.
 
 1 1 THE STAGE COACH, 
 
 " There I staj then," added he, *' for it's 
 much too comfortless to travel on." 
 
 " I wonder where generous Jemmy is ?" 
 said I : " we ought to have overtaken him 
 before this." 
 
 Just, however, as we got on to the stones, 
 a return fish- van was in our way. " Now, 
 then, ya hip, fishy !" hallooed I ; and in that 
 high-scentin machine, among a load o' bas- 
 kets, sat my runaway passenger that refused 
 to fee the whip. 
 
 [" Those fellows never come to any good !" 
 observed Mr. Wirkem, indignantly. 
 
 " Nor don't ought," chimed in John Hogg, 
 with the fire of anger glowing in his eye : 
 " they ain't o' the wally o' the salt they eats," 
 continued he.] 
 
 Well ! when we drew up at the hotel (re- 
 sumed the Vice-president), there was a fine 
 tall fellow, with a bow-window stomach, 
 standin with a large ventilator, or cockade as 
 some people call it, stuck on one side his hat.
 
 OR THE ROAD OF LIFE, 1 1 1 
 
 As soon as he saw who was alongside o' me, 
 he uuthatched himself, and laid bare his 
 mouldy poll; for he was greyer than any 
 badger well could be. " How d'ye do, James ? 
 how d'ye do ?" asked his Lordship, throwing 
 the apron on one side, and preparing for a 
 descent before we came to a dead stop ; for he 
 was the quickest I ever saw in his ways and 
 actions. 
 
 " Quite well, thank ye, my Lord," replied 
 the flunky, scrapin about the best bow he had 
 in the boot, I expect. 
 
 " Keep on your hat, keep on your hat," re- 
 joined his master ; " it's much too cold for 
 that ceremony." 
 
 After rippin open his coats — for he didn't 
 take time to unbutton 'em — he forked out a 
 sovereign, and said, '' There, coachman, that'll 
 do for myself and Jemmy Wood too," and, with- 
 out waitin to be thanked, he bustled away. 
 
 [" That's what I call acting like a noble- 
 man," observed Mr. Wirkem.
 
 112 THE STAGE COACH, 
 
 " So it be, sir," added one-eyed Jack, ap- 
 provingly ; and, taking his glass, he mentally 
 toasted the health of the liberal donor. 
 
 The Vice-president continued.] " If it's no 
 secret or offence," said I to the slavey, " pray 
 who is your master ?" 
 
 " The Earl of Easterland, or Old Kapid, as 
 he's called," replied the flunky with a good- 
 humoured look. 
 
 " And a trump of the pack he is," rejoined 
 I, pocketin the blunt. 
 
 " You may well say that," added the flunky, 
 taking hold of the portmanteau. 
 
 " I never clapped eyes on a nimbler gentle- 
 man," said I. 
 
 " And never will," returned he ; " he's a 
 little too quick for some of us." 
 
 With this he carried the luggage into the 
 hotel, and I went to square matters in the 
 bookin office. 
 
 After making all right, I went, as was my 
 custom, into the kitchen to get a snack.
 
 OR THE ROAD OF LIFE. 11.3 
 
 There's nothin like the kitchen to get one's 
 dinner in if you're a favourite of the cook's. 
 The nice little tit-bits she'll titivate up for 
 ye ; the sly spicy morsels she'll snig from the 
 dishes goin to the customers ; the table she'll 
 put on one side o' the blazing fire, with a 
 cloth spread over the backs of some chairs to 
 keep the cold draught from your shoulders ; 
 then the way in which she looks down upon 
 ye as you're grubbin away and smackin your 
 lips, all smiles and good temper ; it's enough 
 to make a chap wish he was peckin away there 
 for ever. 
 
 "Well, Betsy, my love," said I, in the 
 most carneyin voice possible, as I entered 
 the kitchen, and saw her frjin away all in a 
 lap-dag heat, with a face as red as a scraped 
 brick, "what's for dinner, my dear?" 
 
 " Pig's in'ards — chitlins," said she, givin 
 the pan a shake up, which made the fat crack, 
 snap, and fly in all directions. 
 
 " And a good dish it is, Betsy, my duck !"
 
 1 1 4 THE STAGE COACH, 
 
 rejoined I ; " a fit one to set before a king. 
 But am I to have company to-day ?" inquired 
 I, seein a couple of knives and forks set on 
 the table. 
 
 "Yes, Mr. Bill," she replied; "but you 
 needn't be afeard of disgracin yerself, for it's 
 a Lord's gentleman wot's a-goin to chum nose- 
 bags with ye." 
 
 " I don't care who is mate in a feed," said 
 I, " so long as the spread's good and temptin." 
 
 " Stop you a bit," added she, givin the 
 fryin-pan another fancy shake, and smilin 
 only as a woman can do when she's tickled. 
 " 111 make your tater-trap water." 
 
 There's nothin comes up to a little well- 
 timed sweetnin, for the feminine gender. You 
 may come over them unawares, and steal into 
 the cupboard of their affections with the 
 wheedlin key better than any other on the 
 bunch. 
 
 " Betsy, my angel !" said I, creepin my arm 
 round her waist, " I wants a sharpener to get
 
 OR THE ROAD OF LIFE. 1 1 5 
 
 an appetite for the chitlins." With this I 
 gave her such a buss on her lips that sounded 
 like the flip from a new piece of whipcord. 
 
 ** That's the sauce, is it !" said she ; " take 
 that for jour imperence," givin me a box on 
 the ear. But, Lor bless ye ! it wouldn't have 
 brushed a cobweb off. 
 
 " Come, come, I say — that's a pretty game 
 enough after dinner," observed somebody close 
 to my elbow. 
 
 Upon twistin round, which you may be sure 
 I did in a short turn, there stood the flunky, 
 grinnin like a hyena. Betsy dropped her 
 head, and I dare say blushed ; but her face 
 was always a bright scarlet, so it made no 
 difference in her skin. Then she giggled a 
 little, and I laughed ; then the flunky laughed, 
 and at last we all roared away together. 
 
 " We are old friends," said I, givin Betsy a 
 poke in the ribs with my thumb. 
 
 " So I suppose," replied the flunky. 
 
 " Don't you come that game agin," ob-
 
 116 
 
 served Betsy, at the same time givin me a 
 look as much as to say, " if you don't, no 
 more pig's in'ards for you, my boy !" 
 
 Well — we — that is, the flunky and me — sat 
 down and commenced operations in first-rate 
 style. Betsy did her best, and topped up the 
 bait with some of the neatest kickshaws that 
 man ever put in the fore-boot. 
 
 " Now then," said my grubbin mate, wipin 
 his lips, stretchin out his legs, and givin a 
 " ha" of satisfaction, '* we'll have some hot, 
 stiff, and sweet." 
 
 The liquor was brought, and, after Betsy 
 had put on her Sunday cap, and mopped up a 
 bit, we three sat down before the fire to enjoy 
 ourselves. After a couple of glasses of rum- 
 an-water, the flunky became uncommon talk- 
 ative, and very agreeable. At last I happened 
 to mention the circumstance of his master 
 meetin with Jemmy Wood, and what took 
 place between 'em. 
 
 My limbs, how that chap laughed ! tvrice as
 
 OR THE ROAD OF LIFE. 117 
 
 much as his master, if possible. Now I can't 
 abide to have a fellow haw-haw in my com- 
 pany without knowing the cause : and so, 
 said I, " Perhaps you'll be good enough to 
 say wot's in the wind that makes you neigh 
 away in that manner." 
 
 " Certainly I will," replied he, droppin the 
 skid on his laugh. " But only to think they 
 met in that sort o' way !" and then he roared 
 again like a full-grown bull. At length he 
 pulled up short, and said, " It's rather a long 
 story ; but here goes for the start." 
 
 When my Lord was on the sunny side o' 
 thirty I entered his service, a matter o' thirty 
 year ago and more. He was then, as he is 
 now, particular partial to quick movements, 
 which have got for him the title of Old Rapid. 
 I had been valet to him about a twelvemonth, 
 when he commenced courtin the only daugh- 
 ter of his banker, the rich Mr. Wild of Temple 
 Bar. She was as beautiful a young miss as 
 you could wish to see, and, what was better
 
 118 THE STAGE COACH, 
 
 still, had one o' the heaviest purses of any 
 heiress in England. 
 
 " James," said the Earl, one mornin, as I 
 was mixin the lather to shave him, " I'm 
 goin to be married." 
 
 "I'm glad of it, my Lord," replied I. " May 
 I be so bold as to ask when ?" 
 
 " Immediately — instanter^' added he ; 
 which means, in a canter, I think — " before 
 I'm shaved." 
 
 '* Before you're shaved, my Lord !" ex- 
 claimed I. 
 
 " I'll settle it before, at least," returned he. 
 " Get me a sheet of paper, pen, and ink." 
 
 In a crack a letter was written to the lady's 
 governor, and I was ordered to take it, and 
 wait for an answer. 
 
 To shorten matters, this letter was an appli- 
 cation to the young lady's governor, for his 
 consent and approval. Young miss herself 
 had already accepted master, of course. 
 
 As I sat in the hall vvaitin for the answer, 
 my heart beat wonderfully quick and loud ;
 
 OR THE ROAD OF LIFE. 119 
 
 and, somehow or other, I feared things were 
 not goin on smooth up stairs, from the slam- 
 merin of a door now and then, and voices 
 talkin loud and snappish. 
 
 In about half an hour, Mr. Wild, who might 
 be about fifty year old, rather bald and grey, 
 came runnin down with a letter in his hand, 
 and his face as red as a Turkey-cock's. His 
 lips quivered, and his voice shook as he said, 
 " Are you the Earl's servant ?" 
 
 " Yes, sir," replied I. 
 
 " Then give that letter to your master," re- 
 joined he, shovin one into my hand, as if it 
 burnt his fingers like a hot potato, and orderin 
 the porter to open the door. 
 
 By all that's mournful, thought I, makin a 
 quick get out, it's a dead failure, and no 
 mistake ; but I should like to see what the 
 old codger has written. With this I tried to 
 have a squint at the inside of the piece of 
 stationery ; but it was so folded, turned, and 
 twisted, that I couldn't manage to catch a 
 glimpse of a word.
 
 120 THE STAGE COACH, 
 
 "Don't trouble yourself, sir," said a soft 
 female's voice close to my ear ; "I can tell 
 you all about those contents." 
 
 I came round, as you may suppose, in about 
 the shortest turn I ever made in my life ; and 
 as I saw that I'd been discovered at a Peepin- 
 Tom trick, by as neat a little wench as ever 
 refreshed a fellow's daylights, my face crim- 
 soned up like a full-blown poppy, and felt as 
 hot as a cinder from the regions below. She 
 was rather short than otherwise, but as nice 
 a shaped un as you'll see in a twelvemonth. 
 Her eyes were as blue as the sky on a bright 
 spring mornin, and two large bunches of curls 
 hung down her bloomin cheeks, as if they 
 wanted to meet in a kiss upon a pair of the 
 ripest-looking lips I had seen for many a day. 
 
 I stammered out somethin about " my anxi- 
 ety to know how matters stood ;" but it was 
 a lame attempt at an excuse for the pryin, and 
 all I got in return was a ringin laugh from her 
 sweet lips.
 
 OR THE ROAD OF LIFE. 121 
 
 " Listen," she said, takin my arm in the 
 most off-hand way : " I'll walk with you, 
 and talk at the same time ; for I know 
 full well your master is of the hasty sort, 
 and is waitin for your return just as if the 
 house was on fire, and you were wanted to 
 put it out." 
 
 " That you may be sure he is," replied 
 I : " but, if it's not rude, may I ask who you 
 are ?" 
 
 " I am Miss Wild's maid," she rejoined ; 
 " trustee of all her important and unim- 
 portant secrets, confidential adviser, messen- 
 ger, and general manager for the home de- 
 partment." 
 
 " You must have quite sufficient on your 
 hands, I'm thinkin," returned I. 
 
 " Quite so," she added, with one of her 
 merry laughs, that sounded like the trilling 
 of some wild bird or other. " But we have no 
 time to lose," continued she. " Now be all 
 attention. I take it for granted that you are 
 
 VOL. I. G
 
 122 THE STAGE COACH, 
 
 already aware of the contents of the letter 
 brought by you to Mr. Wild this mornin," 
 said she, looking at me very sly out of the 
 corners of her eyes. 
 
 I told her I was : for my Lord, you know, 
 had as good as told me. 
 
 " The substance of the reply, which is care- 
 fully folded," she resumed, still diggin at me 
 for peepin, '' is this—' NO !' " 
 
 " Short, and anything but agreeable," 
 said I. 
 
 " There are more words used," added she : 
 " but they amount to nothin else." 
 
 *' Hasn't the old file given his reason for 
 refusin?" inquired I. 
 
 " Not the right one, if he's given any," re- 
 plied she. " But in this letter," takin one 
 from a snug little place in her buzzum, " the 
 true cause is stated, and my young lady 
 will, with myself, be greatly obliged if you'll 
 deliver it at the same time you do the 
 other."
 
 OR THE ROAD OF LIFE. 123 
 
 " With all the pleasure in life," rejoined I, 
 pocketin the letter. " But if it isn't askin 
 too much, will you let me into the secret 
 first?" 
 
 " Seein no objection," returned she, " I 
 will. Mr. Wild, you must know, is so rich 
 that nobody could count his money in a whole 
 year. Notwithstandin this, however, he thinks 
 of nothing else but gettin more. Day and 
 night his thoughts are of schemes to increase 
 his riches. Whenever he speaks of anybody, 
 its only of those who are rich, and likely to 
 become more so. As to titles and honours, 
 he laughs at all such " trash," as he calls 'em. 
 ' Give me the aristocracy of wealth,' he's 
 always saying to his daughter ; ' I admit of no 
 other.' Poor dear young lady ! he does this 
 because of the attachment between her and 
 your master." 
 
 " But my Lord is very rich," said I. 
 
 " Not rich enough for Miss Wild, in her 
 father's notions," she replied. " About three 
 
 G 2
 
 124 THE STAGE COACH, 
 
 months since," continued she, " a Mr. Wood 
 from Gloucester was invited to dine at our 
 house, and, from the particular attention paid 
 to him by master, I knew he was one of the 
 opulent kind. I learned that they talked of 
 nothing else but shares risin and fallin, stocks, 
 funds, companies, loans, and all manner of 
 things relatin to money, and seemed to agree 
 remarkably well upon all subjects. Scarcely 
 a word was said to Miss Wild, although she 
 was the only other person at the table, so 
 engaged were they upon pecuniary matters. 
 
 " ' Well, my dear !' exclaimed her father, 
 when his guest was gone, ' what do you think 
 of my friend V 
 
 " ' I really don't know, father, for he said so 
 little that I could understand,' replied Miss 
 Wild. ' But he appears to be a complete man 
 of business.' 
 
 " * Business !' repeated her father, rubbin 
 his hands with glee. ' We could buy up half 
 the Dukes and Lords in the kingdom.'
 
 OR THE ROAD OF LIFE. 125 
 
 " You may judge of the astonishment of 
 my young mistress when the very next mornin, 
 at breakfast, her father proposed Mr. Wood 
 as a husband for her. ' Our united wealth,' 
 said he, ' will be unequalled ; and as for your 
 dower, Mary, my sweetest love, it shall be 
 half a million.' 
 
 " The indignation in her pretty face was a 
 sufficient reply. ' Do I hear correctly ? — am 
 I in my senses ?' she at length said. 
 
 " ' It is enough to bewilder the brain of 
 any girl — half a million !' exclaimed he ; 
 ^ only think — a dower of half a million !' 
 
 " ' Father, you mistake me,' replied my 
 young mistress. ' I would not be sold to anf/ 
 man for ten times the world's weight in gold. 
 No ; I would sooner marry a penniless beggar 
 of my choice.' 
 
 " ^ Faugh ! talk not to me of beggars,' re- 
 plied Mr. Wild, in a towering passion ; ' but 
 say you will conform to my wishes V
 
 126 THE STAGE COACH, 
 
 " * Not to this,' rejoined his daughter : * I 
 cannot — will not, father.' 
 
 " * That glitterin bauble of a coronet daz- 
 zles you,' added Mr. Wild, clenchin his fists 
 and stampin with rage. ' But mind my words — 
 nothing earthly shall wring from me a con- 
 sent to the union.' 
 
 " ' Then,' replied my mistress, with haughty 
 pride, ' it shall take place ivithout your con- 
 sent.' 
 
 '* ' Not if mortal means can prevent it,' re- 
 turned her father. ' To your room : reflect 
 ere you repeat that threat.' 
 
 " On this same day it was the design of 
 your master to have applied in form for Mr. 
 Wild's approval to become his son-in-law ; 
 but my mistress despatched a letter informing 
 him of what had occurred, and it was decided 
 to postpone the application to a more auspi- 
 cious period. However, neither time nor rea- 
 son effected any change. Mr. Wild remained 
 bent upon his object, and his daughter equally
 
 OR THE ROAD OF LIFE. 127 
 
 decided upon hers. When his Lordship called, 
 and was unluckily seen by her father, he 
 treated him with a degree of coldness which 
 almost amounted to an affront. At length, 
 no improvement taking place, the young cou- 
 ple have determined to become united without 
 consulting any longer the wishes of Mr. Wild, 
 and, that he may have no cause of complaint 
 of his formal consent not being asked, it was 
 demanded this mornin in the letter you 
 brought, and, as you may suppose, is most 
 positively refused in the one you now carry." 
 " What an unreasonable old bear !" said I. 
 " Now you know the full particulars of the 
 whole affair," continued my pretty informer, 
 as we arrived at the door of our house in Park 
 Lane. 
 
 " Not quite," returned I. " What has Miss 
 Wild said in this sweet-smelling note ?" 
 
 '* That I don't know," replied she : " it was 
 written in such a hurry that I had no time to 
 inquire."
 
 128 THE STAGE COACH, 
 
 " Then takin everything into consideration, 
 I suppose we're going to have a runaway 
 match," observed I. 
 
 " Not a doubt of it," she replied, " if we 
 can get a start. But master is so watchful 
 and suspicious that I fear we shall not be able 
 to manage it." 
 
 " Leave my Lord alone for that," rejoined 
 I. " I'll bet a year's wages he does it some- 
 how or other." 
 
 ^' Pray Heaven he may !" added she ; " for 
 I quite long for the fun." 
 
 The Vice-president paused in his narration, 
 and, taking a glass from the table, nodded 
 significantly to Mr. Wirkem. 
 
 "Ay, Bill," observed the old coachman, 
 *' take a sup to wet the road a little, and then 
 flank 'em up again. Jack," continued he, 
 " let's have a little more light from the mut- 
 ton fats." 
 
 John Hogg's natural snuffers were applied
 
 OR THE ROAD OF LIFE. 129 
 
 to the long-wicked and flaring candles with 
 brightening effect, and after each one had 
 been topped by his finger and thumb, he 
 resumed his squatting posture upon the pail, 
 to listen in profound attention to the continu- 
 tion of the story. 
 
 G 5
 
 180 THE STAGE COACH, 
 
 CHAPTER VI. 
 
 MONEY AND MATRIMONY — THE VICE-PRESI- 
 DENT'S STORY CONTINUED. 
 
 Well ! when I delivered the letters to my 
 master, and he had read them (continued the 
 flunky), his antics were much like a parched 
 pea upon a drum-head. Down went one under 
 his feet, and, while he trampled upon it with 
 the same action of a dancin hear upon hot 
 tiles, he kept a-kissin the other all the same 
 as though it was a pair of red rosy lips 
 poutin for a buss. 
 
 " It shall be done," he hallooed out at last, 
 in a voice between a bull-bitch and a quaker's : 
 " it shall be done, James, this very night." 
 
 " Yes, my Lord," I replied ; but what was
 
 OR THE ROAD OF LIFE. 131 
 
 to be done still remained a subject for specu- 
 latin on my part. 
 
 After considerable walkin up and down the 
 room, kickin over a chair or two, pokin the 
 fire clean out of the grate, scratchin his head 
 as though it wasn't his own, and rubbin his 
 nose all over his face, I had orders to get 
 four posters in the travellin carriage by 
 twelve o'clock that night, and to be waitin, 
 with the boys in their saddles, at the corner 
 of a particular street until he came. 
 
 I now began to smell fish very strong. A 
 boltin match, is it ! Ha, ha ! how pleased I 
 was, to be sure ; a flea in my ear couldn't have 
 tickled me more. 
 
 It appeared, from what I was told after- 
 wards, that a party was given in Grosvenor 
 Square on this evening, to which Miss Wild, 
 her governor, and my master, were invited. 
 What arrangement took place there between 
 the young lady and my Lord, or how it was 
 managed, no one ever heard ; for the suspi-
 
 132 THE STAGE COACH, 
 
 cious old father kept his eyes and ears so 
 up to trap, that neither could say a word, or 
 give a look without his bein down upon 'em 
 like a hawk upon a chicken. I believe, how- 
 ever, the business was done by a third party, 
 a sort of go-between, in the shape of a young 
 married lady, a particular friend of Miss 
 Wild. 
 
 Instead of keepin servants and horses shi- 
 verin in the cold, as now-o'-days, it was the 
 custom then for ladies to be trotted home 
 from balls in sedan chairs. About midnight 
 Miss Wild popped into hers, and was carried 
 briskly away from the dance, closely followed 
 by her father on foot. The runnin footmen 
 flared their torches in front to clear the road, 
 and had nearly arrived at the end of their 
 journey, when a sedan was seen comin towards 
 'em in a very narrow street. The side-walk 
 was not sufficiently wide for both the chairs 
 to pass on it, and the question was which 
 would give way. Neither swerved an inch
 
 OR THE ROAD OF LIFE. 133 
 
 from a direct course, and amid the hootin 
 and swearin of the rmmers, the sedans came 
 together with a devil of a bump. A laugh 
 was heard from both the occupiers of 'em, as 
 they clashed together with a noise which 
 shewed no fender was between 'em, and then 
 came the tug of war. Powder, curls, and 
 wigs flew in all directions, as the footmen and 
 chairmen rushed at each other with the fury 
 of rams and bulls. Coats were ripped and 
 torn from skirt to collar. Cravats were 
 dragged from necks, and laced hats floated 
 in a neighbouring kennel. Crimson blood 
 trickled from flattened noses, and blue eyes 
 were turned to black. Torches were dashed 
 recklessly into each other's faces, singeing 
 well-cultivated whiskers, begrimin and scorch- 
 in all they touched with their pitchy blaze. 
 So the fight continued, until all engaged got 
 well thrashed, and then peace was proclaimed 
 by general consent. 
 
 At the commencement of the row, Mr. Wild
 
 1 34 THE STAGE COACH 
 
 was hustled by two strong footmen to the 
 opposite side of the street, and there detained, 
 sorely against his will, by being pushed from 
 one to the other in rather a rough manner, 
 but without doing him any injury. 
 
 " Ye rascals ! " he exclaimed, " let me go. 
 Ye shall rue this conduct to me. Let me go, 
 I say, ruffians ! " 
 
 " No, no, master," they replied : " fair play 
 for ever. Our mates are equal to your num- 
 ber. Let them fight the bout out." 
 
 At the conclusion of the scrimmage, Mr. 
 Wild, almost throttled with rage, ordered his 
 chairmen to go on, and he was obeyed accord- 
 ingly. But when they opened the chair at 
 home to let the young lady out, lo and behold, 
 the bird had flown ! 
 
 To see the old gentleman caper and kick 
 at this discovery beats all description. He at 
 once saw that he had been duped by the got- 
 up fight, and recommenced it himself by 
 breakin his cane over the heads of his ser-
 
 OR THE ROAD OF LIFE. 135 
 
 vants, who scampered off like rats to their 
 holes. 
 
 Now it so happened that Jemmy Wood was 
 a visiter in the house at this time, and an 
 eye-witness of his friend and intended father- 
 in-law's discomfiture. He quickly learned 
 how matters stood, and became little less en- 
 raged at the loss of " so good a bargain," as 
 he called his love aifair. 
 
 " The stock's down cent, per cent.," whined 
 Jemmy. 
 
 " D — n the stock, sir ! " exclaimed Mr. 
 Wild : " a chaise-and-four. Ten pounds for 
 him who'll bring me a chaise-and-four in ten 
 minutes." 
 
 Out came Jemmy's watch from his fob, and, 
 without waitin for his hat, away he bustled 
 to a stable-yard close by. By dint of bribes 
 in small sums, and threats of not takin the 
 chaise unless prepared within the allotted pe- 
 riod, he managed to get it at the door just in 
 time to gain the money, and 'tis said he asked
 
 136 THE STAGE COACH 
 
 for a cheque previous to Mr. Wild starting. 
 This, however, I wouldn't swear to. 
 
 An old watchman, lame with one leg, and 
 muffled up in a large great coat, with a night- 
 cap pulled close over his ears, had just yawned 
 out " past one o'clock and a cloudy mornin," 
 when I saw my Lord come runnin along wdth 
 a young lady tucked under his arm. The 
 door of the carriage was open, the steps were 
 down, and into it they bundled neck and 
 crop. 
 
 " Where to, my Lord?" said L 
 
 A pant and a rattle came from his throat : 
 he couldn't speak, but pointed to the North. 
 I twigged the movement, and seizin a handful 
 of notes and gold, which he thrust towards 
 me, gave the order to the boys, slammed the 
 carriage-door, and was climbing into the rum- 
 ble when a tap on my shoulder brought 
 me to. 
 
 " Stop one instant, Mr. James," said a 
 sweet little musical voice ; " give my mistress
 
 OR THE ROAD OF LIFE. 137 
 
 this cloak and bonnet, for she has nothin but 
 a wreath of roses on her head, and I'll take 
 a seat beside you." 
 
 How delighted I was ! There stood my 
 charmer of the mornin, equipped for the 
 journey, lookin like a startled fawn — all 
 smiles and beauty. It was but the work of 
 a moment to throw the toggery into the car- 
 riage, and to assist my ladybird into the seat. 
 My foot was scarcely off the wheel, when 
 away we started, makin the fire fly from every 
 flint we touched as the tits dashed along the 
 deserted streets. 
 
 " Deary me ! " said my beauty in the rum- 
 ble, " I really fear that I shall be jolted out." 
 
 " Never fear," I replied, puttin my arm 
 round her waist, and pressing her close to me. 
 " There, it must be more than a mortal shake 
 to jumble you out now." 
 
 It was now the middle of summer, and 
 soon after we reached the Great North road 
 the clouds began to disperse, and a ray of
 
 138 THE STAGE COACH, 
 
 light shot itself along the border of the East. 
 A thick gray mist hung upon hill and dale, 
 loading every bough and leaf with moistening 
 drops. Spiders' webs were thrown from twig 
 to twig across the road, and tickled our noses 
 as we snapped the meshes in our course. 
 Every now and then the glimmer of a glow- 
 worm's lamp, fainting in the light of the 
 early dawn, told of the coming day. 
 
 " Faster, faster ! " hallooed his Lordship, 
 sticking his head out of the window. '* Two 
 guineas each, remember, for the stage." 
 
 Whip and spur answered the order. On 
 we rolled at an increased rate. 
 
 " Give it 'em, give it 'em ! " continued my 
 Lord: "we mustn't study horse-flesh to- 
 day." 
 
 The lads did their utmost to get the best 
 pace out of their nags, and backed his Lord- 
 ship's impatience by making the whipcord 
 snap and crack again. But it being so early, 
 the turnpike-men were asleep, and, when we
 
 OR THE ROAD OF LIFE. 139 
 
 changed horses for the first two stages, the 
 ostlers and postboys had to be called from 
 their beds, so that we lost some time at the 
 start. I never shall forget my Lord when we 
 changed. I think I see him now jumpin out 
 of the carriage and workin with heart, hand, 
 and voice, to get the horses to. I was ordered 
 to scatter money about as though it was 
 handfuls of barley, and not worth the trouble 
 of pickin up. And then the rosy-cheeked 
 lass behind would reach forward, and hand 
 bottles of scent, salts, and all manner of 
 crinckum-crankums to her mistress, to cheer 
 her up, and quiet her nerves. Scarcely was the 
 last buckle tongued when off we shot again, 
 amid the hoorays of the lads and helpers for 
 our safe journey to Gretna. 
 
 [" Ah !" exclaimed Mr. Wirkem ; " and they 
 were ready enough to give the old governor a 
 similar cheer when he came up." 
 
 " Xo doubt of it, Mr. Wirkem, sir," observed 
 John Hogg. " I know well enough I should."
 
 140 THE STAGE COACH, 
 
 " That isn't an honest part to act, though," 
 rejoined the old coachman. 
 
 " Honesty be d— ! " 
 
 " Hush, John, hush ! Softly, my lad, 
 softly!" added Mr. Wirkem, reprovingly. 
 
 " Well, sir ! " continued John, " what I 
 mean to say is this • — honesty in matters o' 
 business is all my eye and Betty Martin. I 
 should like to know wot trade could stand if 
 honesty held the ribbons ? Mr. Wirkem, sir," 
 continued Jack, in the tone of one knowing 
 what's what : " the hopposition of willany, 
 like the railroad hells-in-harness to the genu- 
 ine four-OSS drags, would knock the consarn 
 off the road in less time than it takes a woman 
 to change her mind. That's m^ opinion, sir." 
 
 " Well, well ! perhaps you're right, John," 
 replied the old coachman. " But come. Bill," 
 continued he ; " we've interrupted your story. 
 Go on, my boy." 
 
 The Vice-president had taken advantage of 
 the interruption, by paying deep devotion to
 
 OR THE ROAD OF LIFE. 141 
 
 his glass, and seemed any thing but displeased 
 at the opportunity. After a " hem" to clear 
 the pipes, he resumed his tale.] 
 
 It was broad daylight (continued the 
 flunky) when we reached the third stage, and, 
 as we rattled through the towns and villages, 
 people stared at us with wonder, and seemed 
 quite bewildered. Children ran and screamed 
 after the carriage, curs barked, and such a 
 cloud of dust rose from the ground that no- 
 thing could be seen in our rear ten or twelve 
 yards off. Thus we continued to proceed, 
 without much alteration in affairs, until after 
 the fifth stage, when in descendin a steep 
 hill, about a mile from the place where we 
 changed, the near trace of the off- wheeler got 
 under a fore-leg, and almost threw him down. 
 However, the postboy managed to keep him 
 on his feet, and at the bottom of the hill 
 brought us to a stand -still. 
 
 "What's the matter?"' inquired my master. 
 
 " All right in one moment," replied the lad.
 
 142 THE STAGE COACH, 
 
 "Right or wrong — go on," passionately 
 exclaimed his Lordship. 
 
 '' Di-rectlj, sir," returned the lad. 
 
 It was hardly the work of half a minute to 
 get the carriage rolling again at its former 
 pace ; but scarcely had the horses got into 
 full stretch, when — sea and earth ! — I caught 
 a glimpse of a chaise-and-four just on the 
 brow of the hill, streaking down it like light- 
 ning from a thunder-cloud. In a moment I 
 guessed who was inside it, and callin to my 
 Lord, I pointed out the chaise to him. 
 
 " By Heaven !" he exclaimed, with his eyes 
 ready to spring from their sockets, " he's 
 upon us. Boys, ride for your lives ! A hun- 
 dred pounds for ye if that chaise is dis- 
 tanced." 
 
 The lads stood in their stirrups and flogged 
 their horses like a couple of mad devils. A 
 little increase of pace was got, but I saw it 
 was no use. Weight was against us; hand 
 over fist the chaise was comin up.
 
 OR THE ROAD OF LIFE. 143 
 
 ** Oh ! my dear young mistress !" sobbed 
 my pretty mate in the rumble ; " what shall 
 we do ? She'll be locked up for evermore, 
 poor young lady !" 
 
 I tried the eonsolables ; but she didn't sto- 
 mach 'em, and commenced cryin for all the 
 world like a smacked babby. 
 
 Now Miss Wild, with a face as white as a 
 bled turnip, took a peep out o' the window, 
 and then with a loud groan, which sounded 
 like the tap of a drum, seemed to fall back in 
 a sort of fain tin fit. What a quandary we 
 were in ! Flogging, fainting, storming, crying 
 — such a rumpus I never witnessed before or 
 since. 
 
 " Where's the key of the pistol-case ? " 
 asked his Lordship, again putting his head out 
 of the window, with his eyes flashin and his 
 lips quiverin with rage. 
 
 " Oh, my Lord," I replied, " don't murder 
 em. 
 
 " Where's the key, I ask ? " he roared
 
 144 THE STAGE COACH, 
 
 out in a voice few men would dare to dis- 
 obey. 
 
 " In the right-hand side-pocket," returned 
 I, in one of the most awful sweats that ever 
 steamed out of a fellow's skin. " There'll be 
 bloody murder now, and no mistake," said I, 
 w ishin myself any where but in the rumble o' 
 that machine. Ciyin and squeezin to me like 
 a scared child, the maid kept moppin up her 
 tears, and sayin all manner of short prayers 
 for our deliverance ; but seemingly to no pur- 
 pose, for not a yard did we gain from our 
 chasers. On they came flogging and spurring, 
 and it was clear that the next hill, which was 
 now in sight, would be the spot where we 
 must be overtaken. 
 
 Every now and then my Lord took a survey 
 of the enemy's approach, and once I caught a 
 glimpse of the muzzle of a pistol in his left 
 hand. 
 
 " Death and the devil ! " exclaimed I, 
 Stan din up and wavin my hand backwards :
 
 OR THE ROAD OF LIFE. 145 
 
 " keep off, if you value your lives. For God's 
 sake, keep off!" I bawled with all my strength 
 of wind. But the only reply I got to this 
 warnin was a " Haw, haw, haw ! " from the 
 lad on the leader. 
 
 A laugh, thought I, is often turned into a 
 blubber ; just for all the world like the sun 
 in April boxed up in a giffy by a cloud. 
 
 As I suspected, our horses were turnin a 
 corner to mount the hill, when the leaders in 
 the chaise were not more than six yards from 
 our hind-wheels. I saw Mr. Wild's face spread 
 all over with delight, and there, sittin along- 
 side of him, who should I see but Jemmy 
 Wood, taking a pinch of snuff. A few strides 
 further and their horses' heads were close to 
 our carriage-window. 
 
 " Stop, ye villains !" cried the old governor, 
 shakin his fist at us. 
 
 Scarcely were the words from his lips, when 
 a roar from my master's pistol sent my heart 
 clean into my throat : down went the near 
 
 VOL. I. H
 
 146 THE STAGE COACH, 
 
 leader with a wliistlin bullet crashin through 
 his brain. A cloud of dust — the heels of the 
 postboy well up in the air — and a runaway 
 horse that had snapped his traces, was all we 
 afterwards saw of them. 
 
 Sir, I couldn't speak for some handful of 
 seconds after this proceedin, but sat lookin at 
 my little mate like a suckin pig stuck with 
 astonishment ; and she, to speak the truth, 
 was not much better off. A hearty laugh 
 pealin from inside the carriage, however, 
 brought us to our senses. A sort of promis- 
 cus sensation operated on both of us ; for 
 whether her arms went round my neck first, 
 or mine round hers, I can't say. 
 
 '' [A neck and neck affair, I suppose," ob- 
 served Mr. Wirkem : '' a sort of dead heat." 
 
 " Perhaps so, sir," continued the Vice-pre- 
 sident.] 
 
 Certain it was, that we had such a huggin 
 match as is seldom to be seen in a rumble. 
 On our return from the Green in the far
 
 N 
 
 M 
 
 s 
 
 ":«►- ^ 
 
 ' MV 
 
 1* / 
 
 1^ 
 
 ^■^A 
 
 s
 
 OR THE ROAD OF LIFE. 147 
 
 North, where my Lord and lady were made 
 one, we learned that Mr. Wild stormed like a 
 bedlamite when the horse was shot, and tried 
 by all means to prevail on the lad to go on 
 with the pair. But, " No, no," said he, " I'll 
 have no more to do with 'em. Where there's 
 one barker there's generally another at its 
 heels, and he might pink the rider instead of 
 the OSS next time." 
 
 However, what persuadin he used I know 
 not, but this I know, he did contrive to come 
 on somehow or other, but didn't arrive till the 
 ceremony was concluded ; and master and his 
 fair bride, finding he was close at their heels, 
 actually jumped into bed with their clothes 
 on : and so they were " wedded and bedded." 
 
 And now to sum up. Mr. Wild, findin 
 himself floored, took quietly the bolus that 
 was crammed down his throat, and behaved 
 like a gentleman, never havin cause to regret 
 the bullet that carried its billet. My compa- 
 nion in the journey became, without much 
 
 H 2
 
 148 THE STAGE COACH, 
 
 persuasion, Mrs. James Morgan, and Jemmy 
 Wood returned to Gloucester to increase his 
 store, but determined to have no more " bar- 
 gains in matrimony." 
 
 Here finished the flunky's tale. 
 
 " But," said I, continued the Vice-president, 
 '' did your master and Jemmy Wood never 
 meet again until to-night ?" 
 
 " Not to my knowledge," he replied. 
 
 Our glasses were empty, and takin leave of 
 each other, I gave Sarah a leary look, and 
 thus we separated for the night. 
 
 At the conclusion of the Vice-president's 
 narrative, John Hogg was about making an 
 observation ; but from the sparkle in his ba- 
 chelor eye, Mr. Wirkem anticipated some 
 improper innuendo, and checked the expres- 
 sion. Jack, however, would not allow it to 
 be lost upon the entire assembly. Whispering 
 a few words into the ear of his friend Melan- 
 choly Joey, he gave that individual a facetious
 
 OR THE ROAD OF LIFE. 149 
 
 poke in the ribs, and broke forth into a loud 
 " Ha ! ha ! " Mr. Wyper seemed to ponder 
 upon the secret communication, and then the 
 shadow of a laugh for a moment flitted across 
 his features, but of so faint a nature that no 
 trace was left behind. 
 
 The caudles in the hoops were flaring with 
 long wicks, and the fire wore a dull and hollow 
 appearance, when John, unbidden, rose from 
 his pail and commenced the work of renova- 
 tion. 
 
 " Well, gentlemen," said the President, 
 " we've heard Bill's storj, and a very nice un 
 it was. Suppose we wind up the night with a 
 song and a toast." 
 
 " Not a bad move," replied Tom Short. 
 
 " With your leave, Dick Wirkem," observed 
 Jacob Plywel, *' I'll move an amendment." 
 
 " Certainly, Jacob, certainly," replied the 
 old coachman. 
 
 *' Then supposin, sir, we have a glass noii\ 
 so as to make the song like a piece of pork in 
 a sandwich," rejoined Jacob.
 
 150 THE STAGE COACH, 
 
 John Hogg paused, in the act of topping a 
 candle, to rub his knees with unequivocal 
 pleasure at this suggestion. 
 
 " I dare say your amendment will be car- 
 ried without a division," added the President, 
 filling his glass. 
 
 " No doubt of that, Mr. Wirkem, sir," said 
 John Hogg; ''at any rate, I shan't offer no 
 objections," continued he. 
 
 "Now, Tom Short," said Mr. Wirkem, 
 " we're loaded and primed ; just put the 
 match to the touch-holes." 
 
 " Well, gentlemen," observed the individual 
 addressed, " here's Coaching, Grog, and Wo- 
 men. May the man that doesn't love all three 
 in season never taste the joy of either !" 
 
 "Mr. Short," said one-eyed Jack empha- 
 tically, and raising his glass high above his 
 head; "you're a hangel;" and with this 
 brief but high-flown compliment he drained its 
 contents to the last drop. 
 
 When the clatter of the glasses had ceased,
 
 on THE ROAD OF LIFE. 151 
 
 the President eyed the surrounding company 
 with a scrutinizing look, and having caught 
 the attention of his friend opposite, he made a 
 slight movement with his pointed thumb to- 
 wards John Hogg. A wink from Bill Johnson 
 was the equally silent but indicative response. 
 
 **I think it's my turn now to call for a 
 stave," observed he ; " so I call upon John 
 Hogg to tune up." 
 
 Perhaps a blush never glowed in the cheeks 
 of one-eyed Jack until this moment : but now 
 one of the deepest dye mantled over his face, 
 like a girl in her bashful teens hearing for the 
 first time praise of her beauty. He rubbed 
 the dexter cuff of his long-sleeved waistcoat 
 across his lips, fidgeted on his lowly seat, cast 
 a look full of doubts and fears towards his 
 patron, and then said, " Mr. Wirkem, sir, 
 I've a good mind to try one of my own 
 makin." 
 
 " Do, Jack, do," replied the President, ex- 
 pressing by his manner great approbation at
 
 152 THE STAGE COACH, 
 
 John Hogg's forthcoming attempt at compo- 
 sition. 
 
 Regaining his natural composure, which 
 fitted him like his skin, Jack ^' gave mouth" 
 to the following lines : — 
 
 I'll sing you a plummy song, made by a plummy pate. 
 Of as rum a go as any cove can have heard of late ; 
 'Tis all about some nervous folk in a devil of a shake, 
 Thinkin there was goin to be a rattlin earthquake — 
 Thinkin there was goin to be a rattlin earthquake. 
 
 Some in a hurry started off to wherry and to funny. 
 And others couldn't get away 'cause for want of money ; 
 In a boat some rushed to float from danger so impendin, 
 Fiadin in Gravesend a hope from swallowin latter endin — 
 All a thinkin there was goin to be a rattlin earthquake. 
 
 Husbands took a partin hug from snortin snufF'n wives. 
 
 For squeez'd they were about to be from their precious 
 lives ; 
 
 To-morrow would not dawn on them — upon it they 
 ne'er would wake. 
 
 For bolted they were sure to be by the rattlin earth- 
 quake — 
 
 For bolted they were sure to be by the rattlin earthquake.
 
 OR THE ROAD OF LIFE. 1 53 
 
 To the Nassau balloon some went to get a lift into the air, 
 But found Green and his little ones already puffed up 
 
 there, 
 Which caused growlin about the proceedin bein unfair, 
 As the public thought for them he first should have a 
 
 care — 
 All a thinkin there was goin to be a rattlin earthquake. 
 
 To Primrose Hill some went to fill their cup of curiosity, 
 Hopin in their hearts to see the city in adversity, 
 Also the overthrow of the London University — 
 A thinkin there was goin to be a rattlin earthquake, 
 All thinkin there was goin to be a rattlin earthquake. 
 
 In droves the people hurried off by railroad, coach, and 
 
 wan, 
 And those who couldn't ride, tried the marrow-bone 
 
 plan ; 
 In heel, head, and voice, agreein to a man. 
 There was goin to be a rattlin earthquake — 
 That there was goin to be a rattlin earthquake. 
 
 But errors will occur in families the best reg'lated ; 
 The Queen had company, as the Court Newsman stated. 
 So there couldn't be the shake as some old woman fated. 
 As it would be inconvenient for the guests to be pros- 
 trated. 
 And so after all there was no rattlin earthquake — 
 And so after all there was no rattlin earthquake. 
 
 H 5
 
 154 THE STAGE COACH, 
 
 At the finish of John Hogg's song, he met 
 with a burst of applause, which vibrated and 
 echoed through the old inn like a small park 
 of artillery. Rats and mice skipped to their 
 chosen retreats with fright lodged in every 
 tail. Even an amatory cat upon the stable 
 roof ceased " to render night hideous" by his 
 tortured screams, and crept with stealthy 
 step from the vicinity. 
 
 " Time's up, my boys !" said the President, 
 looking at the dial from his poke. " Now for 
 the stirrup-cup." 
 
 After the parting glass — " the fullest, the 
 saddest of any" — was drunk, the last " Good 
 night" was spoken, and " the right merrie 
 companie" separated to meet again.
 
 OR THE ROAD OF LIFE. 155 
 
 CHAPTER VII. 
 
 THE SLEEPWALKER. 
 
 The night was pitchy black, and the winter's 
 wind swept along in howling gusts, jarring 
 casements, and making old doors rattle on their 
 time and rust- worn hinges. The houseless 
 wanderer and outcast, attenuated by disease 
 and want, friendless and forgotten, drew the 
 rags closer to her person, and huddled shrink- 
 ing to the corner, where Pity's eye neglected 
 to cast a passing look. The faint ray of a 
 star, occasionally streaking through the murky 
 darkness, added by its contrast to the cheer- 
 less scene. Masses of heavy clouds scudded 
 before the o-ale, and all without looked com- 
 fortless and wretched.
 
 156 THE STAGE COACH, 
 
 What a contrast the club-room presented ! 
 There, as usual on the evenings prescribed, sat 
 Mr. Wirkem, with his fat, smiling, round, 
 plum-pudding face, looming through the misty 
 veil of thick tobacco-smoke, surrounded by 
 his merry boon companions, and resembling 
 Bacchus at a revel, but with the desirable im- 
 provement of a far more strict regard to de- 
 cency of attire, and nicer observance in the 
 behaviour of his associates. A blazing fire 
 threw its glowing warmth on the dark walls 
 and still darker ceiling, and the hoop of flaring 
 candles had just been topped by the efficient 
 natural snuffers of John Hogg. Bottles, 
 glasses, pipes, a huge bag of lump sugar, 
 lemons, spoons, and grog-pestles, stood in 
 thick array upon the polished mahogany; 
 while, flanking its lengthy sides, sat a greater 
 number of " right merrie folk" than had as- 
 sembled since it formed the festive board of 
 " the Chalked-off Coachman's Free and Easy." 
 In his wonted position, upon the pail, John
 
 OR THE ROAD OF LIFE. 157 
 
 Hogg squatted, and his friend Melancholy 
 Joey occupied a chair close to him. Songs 
 had been sung, toasts drunk from bumpers 
 " full and fair," healths pledged, sentiments 
 given, and the relish of a roar just concluded, 
 when the President stilled the remains of the 
 mirthful storm by tapping the table with the 
 end of his pipe. 
 
 " Gentlemen," said he, rising, " as I pre- 
 dicted, our numbers have increased nowj from 
 the cause which brought us together, in the 
 first instance, under this way-bill — the open- 
 ing of a rail." 
 
 One-eyed Jack clenched his fists, and, look- 
 ing at the farthest corner of the room, seemed 
 to have a mental vision of some obnoxious 
 railroad personified ; for, squaring in an atti- 
 tude which prize-fighters of celebrity might 
 imitate to advantage, he drove right and left 
 into the unresisting air ; and, perchance, see- 
 ing in his mind's eye the flooring of an adver- 
 sary, a triumphant expression spread itself
 
 158 THE STAGE COACH, 
 
 over his features, and he again offered a willing 
 ear to Mr. Wirkem's address. 
 
 '* We have now some of the tall, tip-top 
 dragsmen from the Brighton road among us," 
 continued the President ; " and although it's 
 almost enough to fracture one's heart to learn 
 that such coaches and osses as the Age, Era, 
 Beaufort, and Dart, are chalked off, it's a 
 little drop of consolation and comfort to know 
 their crack Whips are not marked with the 
 same paint — that is, no more to be seen or 
 heard of." 
 
 " Hear, hear, hear !" exclaimed Tom Short. 
 
 " I know, gentlemen," resumed Mr. Wirk- 
 em, " that my proposal will meet with a 
 warm reception, and, as it requires no soft 
 soap to make it slip easy, I'll to the collar at 
 once. Supposing we fill to our new comers, 
 and may they never know the want of a pull 
 by the trace of friendship !" 
 
 Long and loud was the burst of applause 
 which followed this sentiment. The hurrahs 
 loaded the air until it trembled with the vi-
 
 OR THE ROAD OF LIFE. 159 
 
 brations. " Three times three and one cheer 
 more" were repeated so often that no one 
 appeared to have studied the simplest arith* 
 metieal rule. 
 
 At length, Richard Banbury, the ci-devant 
 driver of the Eo'a, got upon his legs, accom- 
 panied by the rest of the Brighton Whips, and 
 this movement occasioned perfect silence. 
 Not a vs^hisper passed as he returned thanks 
 for himself and friends in a brief but pithy 
 speech ; and, as they again settled themselves 
 in their chairs, the glasses chinked and 
 leaped from the table with the hammering of 
 knuckles and other strong indications of en- 
 thusiastic welcome. 
 
 The speaker was a thin, tall, handsome 
 man, bearing the stamp of having seen better 
 days — a something which scarcely can be 
 described, but is never to be mistaken. Ho- 
 nesty and good humour sparkled in his clear 
 blue eyes, while a furrow on his brow, and 
 deeply-lined cheeks, told that the hand of 
 Care had been carving there. The expression
 
 160 THE STAGE COACH, 
 
 of his features was, " I can forget my own 
 sorrows to be happy with you." His hands 
 were strikingly delicate, and his long taper 
 fingers evinced no marks of ever having per- 
 formed a menial's office. Without the least 
 peculiarity in dress, there was a neatness, 
 and at the same time a careless arrangement 
 about it, which showed the wearer's feelings 
 perhaps as much as any outward index of 
 the inward springs. 
 
 " It has been often said," observed he, 
 taking his seat — " but that is no reason I 
 should not repeat the old saw — a volunteer is 
 better than two pressed men." 
 
 " No doubt of it," replied Mr. Wirkem. 
 
 " Then, as you agree with me," he re- 
 turned, *' I'll volunteer a stave ;" and, without 
 heeding the compliments which were showered 
 upon him for his unaffected offer, he began, 
 in a soft, flute-like voice, these words : 
 
 Here am I at my journey's end. 
 And now I'll rest awhile,
 
 OR THE ROAD OF LIFE. 161 
 
 To quaff and laugh with each jolly friend, 
 To smoke, to joke, and smile. 
 
 If tell-tale sorrow has dimm'd mine eye, 
 
 And veil'd the sunny earth, 
 We'll smother every mournful sigh 
 
 By joyous shouts of mirth. 
 
 Let others sing of the cloudy past, 
 
 In tones all sad and low ; 
 I'll breathe no whisper here to cast 
 
 A thought of long ago. 
 
 To cull from life her brightest flowers, 
 
 May be the task of some ; 
 To dwell on grief's sad lonely hours. 
 
 And think of nought but gloom. 
 
 But here shall spring gay thoughts of pleasure. 
 
 Our cups to wreath with glee ; 
 Song and jest alone shall measure 
 
 The minutes as they flee. 
 
 Continued clapping of hands and stamp- 
 ing of ponderous feet followed this song. 
 John Hogg, in his raptures, gave Mr. Wyper 
 a squeeze of the dexter thigh with an iron 
 grasp, that forced a croak of anguish from his
 
 162 THE STAGE COACH, 
 
 friend's throat, and a ludicrous expression of 
 pain from his unfavoured features. 
 
 " There's music, Mr. Wirkem, sir !" ex- 
 claimed Jack, laughing. " jS^o old raven with 
 the invluenzer could beat Melancholy Joey. 
 I'd back him agin a methodist parson at a 
 singin match any day, and give odds too." 
 
 Mr. Wirkem smiled at Jack's observation, 
 but made no reply. After a few minutes had 
 elapsed, and there was something like a blank 
 silence, the President gave one of his signifi- 
 cant knocks for attention, and said, the call 
 was with Bill Johnson, as, of course, a volun- 
 teer musn't be allowed to put a regular's nose 
 out of place. 
 
 " In that case," returned the Vice, " I shall 
 make play at Jacob Plywel's canister." 
 
 Jacob was lounging in a very careless at- 
 titude upon his chair ; but, immediately upon 
 hearing that he was the chosen one for the 
 succeeding joint of diversion, he started from 
 his posture of ease, and, casting his eyes upon
 
 OR THE ROAD OF LIFE. 163 
 
 the centre of the table, seemed to be digging 
 at his memory for the required subject. 
 
 *' Come, Jacob, my lad," said Mr. Wirkem 
 encouragingly, after some time had been given 
 for the start. '^ Squeeze your pod, and shell 
 out," continued he. 
 
 *' I was conning over a few ideas, Dick," 
 replied Jacob, " before giving 'em rein. How- 
 ever, I think they may lead away now, and so 
 here's off." 
 
 All eyes were turned upon Jacob, and feel- 
 ing the gaze of observance somewhat more 
 than his modesty could endure, a slight flush 
 burned in his cheek, and his voice shook a 
 little as he commenced his story. 
 
 I was formerly (began he) what is called a 
 somnabulist. 
 
 " Is that cad to a homnihus f inquired John 
 Hogg. 
 
 " Hush, John, hush !" replied Mr. Wirkem : 
 " you mustn't interrupt." 
 
 That is (continued Jacob), I used occa-
 
 164 THE STAGE COACH, 
 
 sionallj to walk in my sleep. My poor mo- 
 ther tried all manner of manoeuvres to break 
 me of the bad habit. Sometimes I found my- 
 self soused to the chin in a tub placed close 
 to my bed-side. Then I blundered over a 
 pile of chairs, bruising my shins, and tapping 
 the claret. Not unfrequently I startled every 
 body within hearing, by sending the warming- 
 pan in a clatter down the stairs, as the good 
 old soul insisted upon stretching it across the 
 banisters, by way of alarum to my nightly 
 rambles. But every remedy that was tried 
 failed, I continued to walk, and disturb all 
 under the same roof with me from their peace- 
 ful slumbers, and should, in all probability, 
 have done so to this day, had not the occur- 
 rence happened which I am about telling ye. 
 
 It was a sunny morning in May, just six 
 years ago, that I was slapping the steam 
 along at a merry pace towards London. A 
 shower had laid the dust, and made the wild 
 flowers on the banks and the hedges smell
 
 OR THE ROAD OF LIFE. 165 
 
 more sweetly than new-mown hay. Not a 
 bird that could sing but was piping away at 
 the full stretch of his lungs, and buzzing in- 
 sects made the air hum with their beating 
 wings. From blossom to blossom the care- 
 less butterfly flitted, sipping the sweets from 
 the loaded cups. Warbling in wild delight, 
 the soaring lark rose with trilling notes, and 
 then stooped to earth again like a streak of 
 light. All Nature was rejoicing in the young 
 summer's smiles. Not a thing but looked 
 happy. The glad laugh of playful children 
 echoed in the soft fanning breeze, and the 
 snatch of some old ballad rung thoughtlessly 
 from the lips of the peasant. I revel in such 
 mornings. They thaw the frigid icicles of 
 the heart, and render us fraught with com- 
 passion and good-will towards our fellows. 
 Selfishness gives place to generous impulse, 
 and the dark specks of our faulty natures 
 become obscured in the light of exquisite 
 sympathy.
 
 166 THE STAGE COACH, 
 
 We had just climbed a stiffisli hill in our 
 third stage when I was hailed by a party in 
 a garden belonging to a farm-house. There 
 were about twenty of them collected before 
 the gate, and all rigged out in their best har- 
 ness, laughing, giggling, and a few of the 
 men staggering under as much liquor as could 
 be carried in an upright form. A fiddler was 
 scraping away in the ivy porch, and, from the 
 large cauliflower-looking favours stuck upon 
 every body, I knew it was a wedding party. 
 
 " Have you room, coachman ?" inquired an 
 antiquated dame, just halfway between laugh- 
 ing and crying. 
 
 " Two ontsides," I replied. 
 
 Then a wheelbarrow full of trunks, band- 
 boxes, and all manner of bundles and baskets 
 were crammed on and in the drag, and after 
 I had given a " Now, if you please," such a 
 charming little lass made her appearance 
 from the house, leaning on the arm of a fine, 
 tall, young chap, that you may go some dis-
 
 OR THE ROAD OF LIFE. 167 
 
 tauce before finding her match. Her shape 
 ^vas of that sort which just suits my palate — 
 plump, compact, and showing good-breeding 
 about the ancles. I can't abide to see a 
 woman gummy about those points. Her face 
 was as bronzed and oval as a young gipsy's, 
 with a pair of eyes that, although a little 
 tinged with weeping, shone like a couple of 
 glowworms' lamps. Curls as black as a 
 crow's wing danced down her cheeks, and 
 her red lips had about the most tempting, 
 tickling invitation to try a game of '' kiss and 
 come again" I ever wish to see. 
 
 Directly she came out of the porch she 
 was caught in the arms of an old man, whose 
 long, thin, white hair streamed upon his 
 shoulders, and some very vigorous kissing 
 commenced between them, mingled with a 
 few sobs and tears. The old lady then had a 
 similar squeeze ; and, after being passed from 
 one to another down a flanked line, the 
 young couple mounted the coach among
 
 168 THE STAGE COACH, 
 
 " God bless ye ! — good luck and a quick re- 
 turn ! — ^Heaven pour its blessings upon you !" 
 and such like good wishes ; and off we went 
 w^ith a loud '' hurrah !" ringing from the lips 
 of the men, and a great deal of sponging up 
 of tears from the women. 
 
 "Parting mai/ be sweet sorrur," observed 
 the newly-saddled head-groom, (or bridegroom, 
 as some folks call 'em) settling himself just 
 behind me, and pressing his wife close to his 
 side, like a hen sheltering a chicken ; " but 
 dang me if I loike the taste on it ! How dost 
 thee. Clary dear?" continued he, in rather a 
 muddled voice, as if the fumes of deep drink- 
 ing had clouded his brain. 
 
 "I'm — sure — I — can't — say — Will — Will 
 — William," replied she, with a sort of stop- 
 short-choke between each word ; " but — I — 
 feel — like a Michaelmas flea — all — in — a 
 twitter." 
 
 " Dang all about twittering !" returned he, 
 in a rough but kind-hearted tone. "If ye
 
 OR THE ROAD OF LIFE. 169 
 
 have a touch o' the shakes now, I'll lay a 
 crown ye'll warm up by an by." 
 
 Then she smiled through her tears like 
 April's sun in a shower, and soon afterwards 
 began to chatter away as if a thought of 
 sadness had never heaved a sigh from her 
 bosom. 
 
 " I say. Master Coachman, do you know 
 what we've been about ?" inquired he. 
 
 " I can guess," I replied. 
 
 " Well then, have at 'em ! Let's hear your 
 guess," said he. 
 
 " Buckled to, as a match pair, I suppose," 
 rejoined I. 
 
 " Right, my flower, right to the letter," 
 returned he : '^ and we're going to Lunnun, 
 for the first time in our lives, to spend the 
 honey month." 
 
 " I wish you every joy," said I, " and all 
 the happiness this world can offer ye." 
 
 " And a hearty wish it is, my tulip," he 
 replied. " But as we're going to change osses 
 
 VOL. I. I
 
 170 THE STAGE COACH, 
 
 at the Pig and Whistle here, send me rolling 
 but ye shall drink to us ; aj, in a brimmer 
 too." 
 
 I drained my glass to their prosperity, and 
 had some difficulty in getting off from re- 
 peating the dose too often. At every stage 
 he offered " drops of comfort ;" and had I not 
 urged him to refrain from taking many, he 
 would have been in a very unfit state to take 
 care of either himself or his wife long before 
 we rattled upon the stones of London. 
 
 "I say. Clary, we shall feel uncommon 
 lonesome loike in a large strange place by 
 oursels," he whispered, as we just began to 
 get into the bustle of the city. " Supposing 
 we invoite Master Coachman to have a snack 
 with us ? He'll tell us how to go about seein 
 the sights, and a great many things we doan't 
 know." 
 
 " Do, William, if you please," replied his 
 wife. 
 
 " You must tell us where we're to put up
 
 OR THE ROAD OF LIFE. 171 
 
 at, Master Coachman," said he ; " for I never 
 thought to inquire afore we started." 
 
 "Where we stop is a capital house," re- 
 turned I : " the Spread Eagle, Gracechurch 
 Street." 
 
 *' Then there we litter down," he rejoined. 
 " And if you'll take our weddin dinner with 
 us, just say the word, that's all, and doan't 
 be long in coming, for I'm very peckish." 
 
 Accepting the frank and well-meant invi- 
 tation, I hastened to clap on some fresh tog- 
 gery, and joined them just as the dinner was 
 being brought steaming into the room. It 
 was of the substantial order, consisting of a 
 large weltering peas-pudding, a boiled leg 
 of pork, and a tureen crammed with tripe and 
 onions. 
 
 " Ha, ha, Master Coachy !" said he, " ye're 
 in the nick o' time. My grinders were too 
 sharp to wait. Ha, ha, mun ! there's nothing 
 loike hunger for sauce." 
 
 We were not long in doing justice to the 
 
 I 2
 
 172 THE STAGE COACH, 
 
 solid spread, and at its termination I was told, 
 without any reserve, the particulars of my 
 host's history. After a few glasses of old 
 port, which made his tongue hang as loose as 
 the clapper of a bell, he said : "I and Clary 
 there have known each other for thirteen 
 year and more. We used to trudge it to the 
 same school together when not so high as this 
 table, and, dang it ! even then I never was 
 better pleased than a-gathering flowers for her, 
 stealing o' fruit, climbing o' trees for birds' 
 eggs, and such loike coltish frolics. Time gets 
 on apace. We always called each other 
 sweetheart when nothing but chits, and 
 though we didn't talk about marrying, we 
 thought of it no trifling measure, I'll be bound 
 to say. Years went away much in the same 
 fashion. Winter's nights we used to sit afore 
 the log fire uncommon close to one another, 
 roast apples, drink cider, and crack the wood 
 nuts we pulled in the autumn. In spring and 
 hazel time, we roamed in the fields, and
 
 OR THE ROAD OF LIFE. 173 
 
 basked in the hay ; and although Clary would 
 pout a little when I kissed her in company, 
 we never had a cross word in our lives." 
 
 " Then the course of true love may some- 
 times run smooth," said I. 
 
 ** It has with us, Master Coachy," he replied ; 
 " for mothers and fathers had no objections, 
 and meddling gossips didn't interfere with 
 their thorns and brambles. My little store 
 enabled me to take a few acres o' land joining 
 father-in-law's, and, as he's getting old and 
 shaky in his pins, I'm to manage his farm as 
 well as my own, and we're to be partners 
 loike. About a month since, this day was 
 fixed for the weddin ; and so, after a- wander- 
 ing in the orchard long enough, ye see, I've 
 at last tied myself to a crabtree." — And then 
 such a laugh came from him that was heard 
 in every nook and cranny of the house. 
 
 " Well, I'm sure, William !" observed his 
 bride, looking like a rosebud, sweet, young, 
 and beautiful, "you've changed your tune 
 pretty quickly. A crabtree, forsooth !"
 
 1 74 THE STAGE COACH, 
 
 "Its fruit is of a nice flavour though," 
 rejoined he, laughing until the tears ran down 
 his' round scarlet cheeks; "and I wouldn't 
 change it for any Burgundy pear in the king- 
 dom." 
 
 Round he pushed the bottle, and, notwith- 
 standing some very significant hints from 
 Clara, to hold hard, he continued to toss off 
 glass after glass, and give toasts and senti- 
 ments, until his eyes began to wax dim, and 
 his boisterous mirth to dwindle into drowsi- 
 ness. 
 
 " Pray, William, drink no more," said his 
 wife, beseechingly. 
 
 " Not another drop after one more glass," 
 he replied. But this " one more " was suc- 
 ceeded by many, and until the bottles were 
 empty he continued to add to his ill-timed 
 excess. 
 
 The night was waning fast, and the small 
 hours at hand, before I was suffered to de- 
 part, although I wished to have left long 
 before.
 
 OR THE ROAD OF LIFE. 1 75 
 
 " I get up betimes, Master Coachy," said 
 he with a reel, as he rose from his seat to 
 shew me the door, " and shall see ye afore 
 ye start ; and now good night." 
 
 Taking a cordial leave of the young couple, 
 I retired to my room to get forty winks before 
 the cock crew. The night was very fine, and, 
 previous to turning in, I threw open the win- 
 dow for the purpose of burning one cigar in 
 the cool refreshing air ; for, to tell the truth, 
 there was a heat and singing in my upper 
 attics which told that I had a little more than 
 enough of the ripe grape's juice. The bright 
 moon was shedding her light upon house-top, 
 dome, and spire, and throwing dark shadows 
 in the abandoned streets. Amatory grimal- 
 kins were shrieking in painful discord, ren- 
 dering wary rats mindful of their where- 
 abouts. The heavy tread of the watchman, 
 and occasionally the jarring voices of the 
 drunken and the dissolute, smote the ear. No 
 other sound could be heafd. Sleep had wrapped
 
 176 THE STAGE COACH, 
 
 the busy world in silence, and aching hearts 
 had ceased to throb, while he sealed the eye- 
 lids with oblivion's touch. 
 
 Half my havannah had been puffed into a 
 thin blue vapour, curling slowly upwards to 
 mingle with the thinner air ; and after watch- 
 ing some fleecy clouds w^afted gently by the 
 breeze over the moon's pale face, I determined, 
 when another should pass, to retire to rest. 
 Keeping my resolution, I hastily threw off 
 my garments, and tumbled into bed and a 
 sound sleep in about one and the same minute. 
 
 How long I remained an occupier of my 
 own goose feathers, blankets, and sheets, I 
 can't tell ; but a voice disturbed me from a 
 deep slumber by saying, " Are you better now, 
 dear ?" and something very much like a kiss 
 was pressed, or seemed to be pressed, about 
 the regions of my lips. With a yawn I rubbed 
 my eyes, to be quite sure I was awake. 
 Stretching out my arms, they encountered the 
 warm flesh of a bedfellow, and a faint ray of
 
 OR THE ROAD OF LIFE. 1 77 
 
 morning's early liglit, just peeping between 
 the drawn curtains, shewed me an indistinct 
 outline of a night-cap trimmed with a large 
 quantity of frills, and a pretty face between 
 them. 
 
 " Are you better now, dear Willy?" inquired 
 a gentle voice, and again the sensation of a 
 kiss was repeated. 
 
 I was now fairly awake. Quick as the 
 stinging flip on the thin skin of a thorough- 
 bred, I felt the peculiar sensations of my po- 
 sition. Flesh and fish ! there I was, paired 
 off with the bride, without so much as know- 
 ing it. Poor Clara ! she little thought of the 
 wrong box she was in ; but — 
 
 [Here Jacob's narration was interrupted by 
 John Hogg bursting into a convulsive fit of 
 laughter, and kicking his pail to the farthest 
 end of the room. " Oh ! Mr. Wirkem, sir !" 
 exclaimed he, checking his mirth, " if that's 
 a sammybeast's trick, blow me if twarn't per- 
 formed awake I Put me up, and shave me 
 
 I 5
 
 178 THE STAGE COACH, 
 
 clean ! his daylights might be shuttered, but 
 he could find his way like a blind oss to a 
 hayrick. Ha, ha, ha ! — take a suck at the 
 lemon, and at him again !" 
 
 Jack's excitement was cooled by a pass 
 from Mr. Wirkem's hand, which, for effect, 
 might vie with any professor's of Mesmerism. 
 Rolling the pail to its former place, he retook 
 his passive posture, and seemed to be *' all 
 ears to hear."] 
 
 I was about saying (resumed Jacob, in a 
 firm and decided voice) that she was as far 
 from harm — 
 
 Here a half - smothered noise rattled in 
 one-eyed Jack's throat — 
 
 As far from harm (repeated Jacob, 
 slightly turning his head, and bending a 
 serious look upon the unabashed offender) as 
 if her old mother was roosting there. Ga- 
 thering my ideas into a small bunch, I decided 
 to try and not let the poor little soul know 
 who her bedmate was, and, sticking my head
 
 OR THE ROAD OF LIFE. 179 
 
 under the clothes to muffle my voice, I grum- 
 bled out that I was " very ill indeed." 
 
 " Why did you take so much wine, love ? " 
 said she, in a reproachful tone. 
 
 " Oh, Lord, my poor head ! " I exclaimed, 
 still keeping my face buried. 
 
 " Does it ache, Willy ?" she asked, tenderly 
 pressing her fingers on my forehead. 
 
 " Dreadful loike," returned I, endeavouring 
 to imitate her husband's lingo. 
 
 " Let me wet a towel, and bind it round," 
 she rejoined. 
 
 " I'll go down in the yard and pump on it," 
 added I, slipping out of bed, and rushing to 
 the door. 
 
 " Don't, dear, don't — ^you'll get your death 
 of cold," was the last observation I heard, as 
 I banged the door on its hinges, and ran 
 along the passage as fast as my legs would 
 carry me, towards the room we had been 
 dining in. 
 
 In an easy chair lounged the unconscious
 
 180 THE STAGE COACH, 
 
 William, with chin resting on his breast, and 
 snoring away most lustily. His feet were in 
 slippers, which shewed that he had been at- 
 tended by a waiter, and prepared for bed, and 
 the chamber candle had burned to its socket. 
 Shaking him roughly by the collar for a few 
 moments, I got his dull eyes open ; but the 
 instant I left off stirring him up, they closed 
 again, and his lips separated for another 
 snore. 
 
 " Come, wake up," hallooed I, pulling him 
 to and fro, like a Mandarin image. 
 
 " Ye've got the wrong sow by the ear, 
 dang ye ! " said he, in a thick guttural 
 voice. 
 
 " No, no, I haven't," replied I, still keeping 
 him at work ; " your wife's been in bed these 
 three hours." 
 
 These last few words seemed to act like a 
 pail of cold water being thrown in his face. 
 Starting upon his feet, he looked at me, and 
 then round the room, as if his eyes were
 
 OR THE ROAD OF LIFE. 181 
 
 going to spring from their sockets. All his 
 hair stood on end, and in a quivering voice 
 he said — 
 
 " Be I aloive, or dead as cat's-meat ? " 
 
 " Alive, my boy ! " returned I ; " only 
 you've been sleeping here, instead of with 
 your nest-mate, pretty Clara." 
 
 He now appeared to comprehend the posi- 
 tion of affairs. A light broke in upon his 
 clouded brain, and with a loud *' haw, haw ! " 
 he slapped both his thighs, and bawled 
 out lustily, " Dang it ! but I'll be roasted 
 finely for this bout ! haw, haw, haw ! What '11 
 my Clary say, I'd loike to know ! " 
 
 " Follow my advice, and neither she nor 
 anybody else will know of it," replied I. 
 
 " And what's that. Master Coachy ? " re- 
 turned he. 
 
 " Let me assist you off with your toggery 
 here," said I, " and then go to your room, 
 and mention nothing about having been to 
 sleep; but if any questions are asked as to
 
 182 THE STAGE COACH, 
 
 how you are, reply, that you're all right 
 now." 
 
 " Ah ! I see ; just let her suppose I've been 
 trying to get myself sober loike afore " — 
 
 " Just so," interrupted I. " And you can 
 mention that the pumping on your head did 
 you good." 
 
 " Ho, ho, ho ! — famous ! capital ! " he ex- 
 claimed : " that'll make her suppose I have 
 been a long time a-dryin it." 
 
 " To be sure it will, and account for your 
 length of absence," said I. 
 
 In a very short period he was prepared ; 
 and, giving a grasp of honest gratefulness for 
 my timely interruption to his profound slum- 
 ber, he quitted me for the arms of one loving 
 and beloved. 
 
 " Well ! " observed Mr. Wirkem, rubbing 
 his hands with evident satisfaction, *' I'm very 
 glad no harm came of your cuckoo trick, 
 Jacob."
 
 OR THE ROAD OF LIFE. 183 
 
 " Where there's none meant, Dick, there's 
 seldom much done," replied Jacob. " How I 
 came to get into such a pickle " — 
 
 " And a devil of a jar it might have 
 caused," interrupted the President, looking 
 round with an inward chuckle, for applause to 
 his pun. 
 
 — " God only knows ! " continued Jacob, 
 v^thout noticing the bestowed cheer. ** But, 
 from that day to this, I never heard a whisper 
 of scandal concerning this untoward ramble 
 by moonlight, and which cured me from ever 
 taking another walk in sleep. 
 
 When the story was concluded, and the 
 narrator thanked by his companions, Mr. 
 Wirkem desired one-eyed Jack to put a little 
 more water into his glass, and to hand him a 
 lemon. 
 
 " Ah, Mr. Wirkem, sir ! " exclaimed he, 
 looking at his patron with admiration, as he 
 peeled the acid fruit with a scientific cut, 
 " you're very fond of your glass."
 
 184 THE STAGE COACH, 
 
 " Yes, Jack," replied the President ; and, 
 after pausing for the consequent eruption, 
 he added, " but I'm fonder of my hot- 
 tier 
 
 I
 
 OR THE ROAD OF LIFE. 185 
 
 CHAPTER VIII. 
 
 THE SLEEP-DRIVER. 
 
 " That was a pleasant heat, Jacob," ob- 
 served Mr. Wirkem, after a pause ; " but as 
 it was rather a short one, perhaps you'll 
 tackle another before we change osses. How 
 say ye, gentlemen ? " 
 
 " We shall be very glad to have another 
 draught from the same tap, I'm sure," replied 
 the Vice-president. 
 
 " As that's the case," added Jacob, settling 
 himself in his chair, as if it was his old fami- 
 liar box, *' here goes;" and, without further 
 preface, he commenced the following adven- 
 ture, when under the influence of " the honey- 
 heavy dew of slumber."
 
 186 THE STAGE COACH, 
 
 I must make a start by saying that my 
 father — as fine an old male fowl, which low- 
 bred folks call " cock," as ever drainec an 
 ale-tankard or fathomed a punch-bowl — for 
 many years kept the Bells at Colchester, and 
 was the chief proprietor of the Item, running 
 between there and London. The delight and 
 sunshine of his heart was this coach, and 
 although a source of but little profit, from 
 the way in which it was horsed, and the 
 tip-top style of all things belonging to the 
 crack turn-out, still nothing on earth took the 
 lead in his affections from this drag and 
 hobbies. 
 
 *' Keep an eye to your business and ac- 
 counts, Thomas," my mother used to say with 
 uplifted finger and shaking head, " and don't 
 waste your time and substance on such 
 fooleries. " 
 
 " Fooleries !" the governor would exclaim : 
 " did ye call it fooleries eighteen years ago 
 an more, when I used to rattle the team past
 
 OR THE ROAD OF LIFE. 187 
 
 your mother's door at a right merry pace, 
 with their heads and tails up, and you there, 
 all &miles and beauty, to keep kissing your 
 hand till we swept out of sight ! Was it 
 fooleries, when, of a fine spring-day, Pd pull 
 up at the garden-gate to take a bunch of 
 flowers to stick in my button-hole, and get a 
 smile from ye that seemed to gimble itself 
 through and through my buzzum ! Was it 
 fooleries, when, on our wedding-day, you sat 
 by my side up to town, and all the oss-keepers 
 along the road hoorayed at ye as though you 
 were Queen of England, eh, Mary! Were 
 t\io^e fooleries, I ask ye? " 
 
 " Well, well, well ! " my mother replied, 
 " we were young and foolish then." 
 
 " I wish, with all my heart and limbs, we 
 remained so now," rejoined the governor: 
 *' those foolish days were uncommon sweet 
 and tender." 
 
 " There's dear Jacob — " added my mother : 
 " not one thing do you care to teach him but
 
 188 THE STAGE COACH, 
 
 how to drive and become versed in all that 
 belongs to coaching. If you were to direct 
 his mind a little more to the Bible and less 
 to the ribands, as you call 'em, he would 
 become " — 
 
 " A better methodist parson than the driver 
 of the Itein by an by," interrupted my 
 father. 
 
 It is no matter of surprise that I became 
 almost as fond of, and as great an adept in, 
 the coaching business as my paternal ruler. 
 From infancy I heard of little else, and as 
 soon as I could understand that money w^as 
 an indispensable for the getting of ginger- 
 bread and loUypops, I learned my destined 
 position in life was a seat on the box. At 
 seventeen I left the training in books, and 
 then commenced the regular one in coach- 
 manship. After some three years' " nursing," 
 and it was considered by my admiring father 
 that I was fully capable of steering the Item 
 with safety and credit, a day w^as appointed
 
 OR THE ROAD OF LIFE. 189 
 
 for me to climb to the seat, well aired for 
 many years by my progenitor. 
 
 It was about a month before the time named 
 for me to usurp the governor's throne on 
 wheels, that we were sitting in the bar- 
 parlour sipping our grog, and having some 
 evening chat, while my mother was stitching, 
 with one eye on her work and the other 
 turned on the customers to see there was no 
 bolter, when Frank Andrews, the horsekeeper, 
 sent a messao^e to sav that " he wanted to 
 have a word with my father." Upon the op- 
 portunity of so doing being granted by an 
 order for his personal appearance in the par- 
 lour, Frank showed himself at the entrance. 
 
 " I have come, sir," said he, stroking his 
 hair smoothly down over his forehead, and 
 scraping his feet along the carpet, " to tell 
 ye of something you won't believe." 
 
 " That is, you were not drunk last night, 
 I suppose," observed my father. 
 
 " You'll say I was, sir ; but I worn't, and
 
 J 90 THE STAGE COACH, 
 
 haven't been for the last three days," returned 
 Frank — " that is to say," contmued he, 
 correcting himself, " not drunk enough to be 
 called incapable of taking care of myself. 
 No, no, no, and never was, to my knowledge. 
 I always, drunk or sober, look out for my- 
 self." 
 
 " And no bad rule either, Frank," replied 
 his master : " if people generally would keep 
 their weather-eye open for their own welfare, 
 one-third of the world, composed of knaves 
 and quacks, wouldn't be able to fatten like 
 magots on individual folly and imprudence." 
 
 At this sage observation my mother dropped 
 her needlework, consisting of an antiquated 
 stocking with a dilapidated heel, and regarded 
 my father with a mingled look of wonder and 
 admiration. 
 
 " Why, Thomas !" exclaimed she, " where 
 did you get that ? I never heard such a wise 
 saying from your lips before." 
 
 " That's because ye have n't listened to
 
 OR THE ROAD OF LIFE. 191 
 
 them," returned her husband with a pompous 
 raising of his fat, well-lined double-chin. 
 " Many as wise a-one's been picked from the 
 same poke," continued he, touching his bald 
 pate significantly. 
 
 " It's a pity then they've been thrown away 
 upon me," rejoined my mother, with a merry 
 laugh ringing from her lips. 
 
 " Mary," added the governor, seriously and 
 majestically, although a sparkle of merriment 
 flashed in his eye ; " it Z5 a pity ; I've often 
 thought so." 
 
 In an instant the laugh was checked : my 
 mother resumed the darning of the stocking. 
 
 " And what have you got to say, Frank ?" 
 inquired my father, slily pointing with his 
 thumb to my mother, and giving me the shade 
 of a triumphant wink. 
 
 '' Simply this, sir," replied the horsekeeper ; 
 " I'm in a funk — I 77ia^ say a d — d funk." 
 
 " There's many a one in the same pot," re- 
 plied his master, " only they have n't pluck
 
 192 THE STAGE COACH, 
 
 enough to own it. Many an action that's 
 called a brave one's done more through fear 
 than courage. As for a sample : when two 
 folks go out to fight a duel, one or both are 
 in fear of what'll be said of their honour, 
 as it's called, but where this part of the body- 
 is particularly stationed seems doubtful. I 
 have heard some men complain of their ho- 
 nour being wounded when the breech has 
 been kicked ; others, when a whip has been 
 brought to bear between the shoulders ; and 
 some by having a little fly-brusher held over 
 them. It is no uncommon thing for a man to 
 find his honour injured by having the ends of 
 his toes trodden on, or his nose pulled. But 
 it signifies little how the wound is occasioned : 
 in nine hundred and ninety-nine cases out of 
 every thousand fear is linked, and closely 
 linked, with the means of redress, and is 
 always coupled with the carrying of 'em out. 
 Not a man living but would wish himself in 
 any other person's boots when a loaded pistol
 
 OR THE ROAD OF LIFE. 193 
 
 was levelled at his heart. But come, Frank, 
 what are you in a stew about — a licking from 
 your wife ?" 
 
 " It does n't lay in the old ooman's over- 
 alls to come that dodge with me^'' returned 
 Frank ; " quite t'other, I assure ye." 
 
 " Well ! then what's the matter ?" inquired 
 the governor. 
 
 " You'll chalk me down on your slate as a 
 reg'lar-built nincompoop when I tell ye, sir, 
 that our yard's troubled with a fay, a ghost, 
 or somethin not flesh and blood," said Frank : 
 " but it's as true as what the parson reads o' 
 Sundays," continued he. 
 
 " I shall not call you any sort of poop," 
 replied my father, " but arrive at the truth 
 at once by saying the chalks on the slate in 
 the taproom raised the fay in your smoked 
 and foggy brain." 
 
 " I supposed as much," rejoined the horse- 
 keeper ; " in course I did. But what's the 
 odds ! words don't gainsay facts. The stable's 
 
 VOL. I. K
 
 194 THE STAGE COACH, 
 
 haunted, and I can prove it, if eyes is evi- 
 dence." 
 
 My mother was of the superstitious order, 
 believing in spirits rambling — 
 
 " Doom'd for a certain term to walk the night, 
 And, for the dayr confin'd to fast in fires, 
 Till the foul crimes, done in their days of nature. 
 Are burnt and purg'd away." 
 
 " Let us hear," said she, with curiosity de- 
 picted strongly in her features, " what you 
 have seen, Frank." 
 
 " Ma'am, I will," returned Frank, with a 
 face that would have done credit to a mute 
 at the funeral of an emperor. " The night 
 afore last I'd had my whack after doing up 
 the tits, and was just being tucked up by my 
 old ooman, who is always afeard I should roll 
 out o' bed, as I did once afore and sprained 
 my wrist, — when I thought I heard sombody a- 
 creeping about the harness-room. ' Ho, ho !' 
 said I, softly, * there's priggin o' curbs and 
 bits going on, I suppose ; give me the poker,
 
 OR THE ROAD OF LIFE. 195 
 
 old dear ; I'll make one among 'em.' Taking 
 a damper in the palm of my hand, I laid hold 
 o' the sprig of iron, and crept down the lad- 
 der as if I was a-walking on the points of pins 
 barefooted. I was about the middle of the 
 ladder, when, by the light o' the moon, which 
 showed every thing almost as plain as the sun 
 at mid-day, I saw a tall white thing a-striding 
 up the stable, very like a ooman in her shroud. 
 Uncommon queer I felt all of a sudden. A 
 sweat broke out on me, as though I was about 
 going off in a fluid, like a snowball afore a 
 roasting fire, and not a hair on my sconce 
 would keep its place, but stared like a oss's 
 in a winter's wind. My chin began to wag, 
 and, Lor, how the grinders chattered ! I 
 could hear 'em for all the same as a bag of 
 marbles being shook together. 
 
 '' To the farthest end of the stable the what- 
 you-may-call-em went, and then, turning 
 round, walked back again towards me. I 
 tried to call out, but my tongue stuck to the 
 
 K 2
 
 196 THE STAGE COACH, 
 
 roof of my mouth as though it was tarred, 
 and not a holloa could I raise. As the thing- 
 em-bob came nearer and nearer, I endeavoured 
 to back up the ladder : however, not a leg 
 would move, and there I sat fixed and staring, 
 like a man in the stocks. Foot by foot the 
 what's-o-name came up, and when within a 
 short distance of me I shut my daylights, so 
 afeard was I to look any longer at it; and 
 then," said Frank, with a cold shiver shaking 
 him through every nerve, " I knew the what- 
 ever-it-might-be had crept and stood quite 
 still close to me. A hot steaming breath, 
 which smelt uncommon like backy, but which 
 I suppose was brimstone, was blown into my 
 face, and seemed to take all my senses away, 
 for, until my old ooman's voice hailed me, I 
 didn't know where I was, or what I was a-doin 
 of. I opened my peepers and looked all round 
 as far as I could see, but the thingum-ma-jig 
 had gone, how or where the devil knows — I 
 don't.
 
 OR THE ROAD OF LIFE. 197 
 
 " Gaining a little pluck, I ventured up to 
 bed again, and settled the old ooman's tongue, 
 which wagged like a bell's clapper about my 
 queer looks, by threatening to stick her head 
 in a stable-pail if she didn't come to a short 
 stop ; and knowing, from a few events in her 
 life, that I meant what I said, she clapped the 
 skid on it about as quick as any ooman I ever 
 met with, and I dropped off to sleep." 
 
 *' And pray," said my father, ^' what sort 
 of a supper had ye been eating and drink- 
 ing?" 
 
 " As good a one as any Christian stomach 
 could wish for," replied Frank : " a pound o' 
 rump-steaks, some mashed taters, a snack o' 
 bread-and-cheese, some cowcumber and ing- 
 ins, a quart of half-an-half, and three glasses 
 of gin-an- water." 
 
 " No wonder you saw a ghost then," replied 
 his master, laughing. " Why, man ! an ostrich 
 could hardly digest such a meal just before 
 going to perch, and in all probability would
 
 198 THE STAGE COACH, 
 
 have a distempered brain if he was to try. 
 Ghost indeed ! faugh !" 
 
 " Stop a bit, sir," added the horsekeeper, 
 with the air of one having a ready rejoinder : 
 " I might have doubted like you, and thought 
 myself mistaken somehow or other ; but last 
 night I sat up on purpose to watch, before 
 telling you any thing about it, to see if the 
 thing would come again ; and sure enough 
 about the same time I saw it glide like a sha- 
 dow, for it didn't seem to walk, right into the 
 stable from the harness-room, and, after taking 
 a turn or two there, vanish away." 
 
 " I believe it was a spirit," said my mother. 
 " Often have I read and been told of such cir- 
 cumstances occurring, and I don't see any 
 cause to discredit this." 
 
 " Pooh ! pooh !" exclaimed the governor ; 
 " spirits forsooth ! the only spirits that trou- 
 ble mortals are those poured down their 
 throats." 
 
 This sceptical opinion, however, had little
 
 OR THE ROAD OF LIFE. 199 
 
 effect on Frank or my mother, the one main- 
 taining that he had seen one, and the other 
 expressing a firm faith in the statement. 
 
 " We ought to go for a parson, sir," said 
 the horsekeeper, "and get him to rub this 
 poor devil of a ghost down, and settle it with 
 a mash of religious tracts, or a sermon-ball 
 or two, enstead of argufying about the mat- 
 ter." 
 
 " Get away, man," replied his master, tes- 
 tily : " parscn, indeed ! go to the bar, and 
 tell them to give you a quart of good old ale, 
 with a platter of toasted cheese ; put it under 
 your vest, go to bed, and don't talk any more 
 nonsense to me about ghosts." 
 
 The order for this material poultice of con- 
 solation appeared at once to allay the anxiety 
 and fear of the horsekeeper, and he retired 
 with pleasing anticipations of the treat. 
 
 Tales of horror and of marvel travel at a 
 railroad pace. From mouth to mouth they're 
 carried, and ready ears yawn to drink them
 
 200 THE STAGE COACH, 
 
 in like thirsty plants soaking np the summer 
 shower. There seems to be no surfeiting this 
 taste, and the farther the stories wander the 
 more they increase, and become exaggerated 
 from truth and fair proportion. An innate 
 desire to cause detestation, dread, or astonish- 
 ment, is natural to the constitution of man, 
 and, with few exceptions, the feeling is uni- 
 versal to a greater or less degree. In a few 
 days the report of the Bells being haunted 
 flew in every direction. Nothing was talked 
 of or thought of in the neighbourhood but 
 the wanderer of the stilly night, and crowds 
 visited the spot where it was stated that he 
 paced up and down to frighten us " fools of 
 nature ;" all which much amused my father, 
 and added no little to the profits of the tap. 
 
 The varied statements of the form in which 
 he came were as numerous as gnats dancing 
 in clouds. Some said it was a picked and 
 fleshless skeleton wrapped in a winding-sheet ; 
 others, that it was a gigantic monster with
 
 OR THE ROAD OF LIFE. 201 
 
 eyes of fire, and breathing forth blue flames 
 highly flavoured with brimstone. One party 
 insisted the spirit was that of a commercial 
 traveller, who committed suicide in the stable 
 half a century ago, by tickling a vicious horse 
 with a straw in order that his brains might 
 be kicked out. 
 
 The different versions of the tale, thrice 
 ten times told, and repeated over and over, 
 however, at last ceased to interest, and the 
 excitement dwindled away as though the 
 cause for it had never been. Occasionally 
 the horsekeeper would refer to the super- 
 natural visitation ; but even he could scarcely 
 get a willing listener a fortnight after the 
 occurrence had taken place. 
 
 It was within three days of the fixed pe- 
 riod for my taking the ribands of the Item 
 from the fist of my paternal, and we had 
 been discussing the subject till late at night 
 over a bowl of capital punch, with two or 
 three companions of the governor, when my 
 
 K 5
 
 202 THE STAGE COACH, 
 
 mother, weary and impatient of the never- 
 ending topic, gave strong hints for the party 
 to take down their hats and walk. Obeying 
 the telegraphic innuendoes, we separated, and 
 wended our respective paths to perch. 
 
 About an hour after midnight, according 
 to my mother's story, related subsequently, 
 she was disturbed from her sleep by the angry 
 growl of the yard-dog, chained to an old head- 
 less beer-barrel. Rising from her warm nest, 
 she cautiously drew tlie blind from the win- 
 dow, to ascertain the reason of Wasp's inter- 
 ference. 
 
 It was a brilliant night. A thick mist 
 hung in folds upon the ground, through 
 which the pale moonbeam streamed, rendering 
 those things visible that otherwise would have 
 been concealed. The croak of the toad broke 
 on the ear as he crawled his loathsome body 
 slowly along, and the strangely-formed bat 
 was whirling from earth to roof, and from 
 roof stooping to the ground again. The
 
 OR THE ROAD OF LIFE. 203 
 
 chirping cricket called amorously to liis mate, 
 and his thin harsh note was heard far away 
 from the bush in which he was secreted. 
 Sombre beetles loaded the air with their 
 drumming wings, and velvet-speckled moths 
 hied to sip dew from the loaded flowers. 
 Things that love the night were revelling; 
 those of the day were at rest. 
 
 As my mother continued to gaze upon a 
 scene which must gratify the least sensitive 
 mind, although perhaps depressing to the 
 spirits, her superstitious fears as to the stories 
 she had lately heard returned in all their 
 strength. With a presentiment of an ap- 
 proaching cause of terror, she peered through 
 the thick vapour, and conjured, in her heated 
 imagination, innumerable fantastic shapes 
 from the most common-place forms. The 
 water-butt, with its leaden pipe from the 
 stable-roof, was taken for a dingy imp stand- 
 ing on his head. The white-painted pump 
 caused the anxious watcher's heart to knock
 
 204 THE STAGE COACH, 
 
 loudly against her breast, and it was some 
 minutes before her fixed look could decipher 
 the reality of the twisted and distorted sucker 
 of water. Long shadows, cast from moonlit 
 chimney-pots, assumed all manner of dread 
 spectres' shades, and the weathercock with its 
 outstretched limbs seemed to dance like the 
 skeleton of some huge raven. Still, after a 
 long examination of these respective sources 
 of fear, they one by one vanished from the op- 
 pressed brain, and, every surrounding object 
 being exhausted, my mother was about retiring 
 once more to bed, when Wasp flew out of 
 her tub, and with a wild savage bark tried to 
 seize something in view, but which her short 
 chain prevented. 
 
 Indistinct, but still visible, a form glided 
 towards the dog, and stopped not until close 
 to her jaws. Crouching to the ground, as 
 though humbly craving pardon for a fault 
 committed, Wasp turned round and sneaked 
 into her kennel again. Tall and white from
 
 OR THE ROAD OF LIFE. 205 
 
 head to foot the form stood for an instant 
 before the kennel, and then, like a shadowy 
 unsubstantial being of another world, gradu- 
 ally faded away in the cloudy mist. 
 
 Terror-stricken and silent, my mother re- 
 mained for some minutes, gazing with starting 
 eyes towards the spot where the spectre be- 
 came lost to sight, expecting momentarily a 
 re-appearance. 
 
 " Why don't you come to bed, Mary ?" 
 asked the governor, disturbed by his mate's 
 vacating her wonted place. 
 
 " Hush !" exclaimed she ; " hush ! I see it 
 now." 
 
 '* See what, my dear?" inquired my father, 
 between a snore and a grumble. 
 
 " Come here ; hasten ;" she rejoined, in- 
 tensely excited. 
 
 With a slow and discontented movement 
 my father stretched his feet upon the floor, 
 and rubbing his eyes to brighten them from 
 the dull effects of deep slumber, he looked
 
 206 THE STAGE COACH, 
 
 towards the point indicated by my mother's 
 finger. 
 
 " Ha ! humph !" exclaimed the governor, 
 yawning : " Well, what am I to look at, eh ?" 
 
 "Don't you see any thing ?" inquired my 
 mother. 
 
 " A great many things, my dear," replied 
 he, " and among others a foolish old woman 
 close to me !" 
 
 " But look ! see ! it moves now ! can't you 
 see the door open ?" 
 
 The governor made no reply for a few 
 seconds, but drawing a long breath, and rub- 
 bing the breath-stained pane with his elbow, 
 looked with extraordinary change of expres- 
 sion at the spot to which his wife's absorbed 
 attention was drawn. He at length was about 
 ejaculating some hasty words of surprise, 
 when my mother caught him by the arm, and 
 pressed a hand over his lips : " Hush !" she 
 said, " for Heaven's sake, say not a word ! 
 Who knows what may happen ?"
 
 OR THE ROAD OF LIFE. 207 
 
 " Happen !" lie muttered : *' powers of light 
 and darkness, what's all this about, I should 
 like to know ?" 
 
 The proceedings taking place in the yard 
 below were sufficient to cause profound as- 
 tonishment in the minds of any persons, in a 
 far less degree interested in the result than 
 my father and mother. Clattering on the 
 stones, the faint outline of a horse, white as 
 the curling mist surrounding it, was seen 
 issuing from the stable-door, harnessed com- 
 plete from blinker to crupper, and the polished 
 buckles and trappings glittering in the pale 
 rays of the moon. 
 
 " That's Alice Gray," whispered my father. 
 
 Immediately in her wake was another horse 
 of rather a darker shade. 
 
 *' There's the little sorrel," said the gover- 
 nor, between his teeth, and his eyes as big as 
 teacups with astonishment. " And here conies 
 the pair of iron greys," continued he, as the 
 figures of two horses following the others
 
 208 THE STAGE COACH, 
 
 emerged from the stable-door. The wonder 
 increased. Scarcely believing the correctness 
 of his vision, he saw this favourite team pro- 
 ceed to a shed close by, under which stood 
 the Item all ready for the next day's journey, 
 and a tall, white, spectre-looking object, flit- 
 ting about them here and there, like a moth 
 about a candle. In less time than it takes to 
 boil an Qgg, lightly the horses sprang forward, 
 a whip cracked in the air, and out bowled the 
 Item from the shed. 
 
 " Bless my stars and garters !" exclaimed 
 my father, as the coach rattled past the win- 
 dow into the street; "if that ghost hasn't 
 boned the Item. Here Jacob, Thomas, John, 
 Charles, Frank ; Frank Andrews, I say," hal- 
 looed he, throwing open the casement ; 
 " Frank, by G — d they've boned the Item ! 
 Where are ye all ? Help, help, help !" 
 
 " Here am I, sir," replied a voice, which 
 was recognised as that of the horsekeeper's. 
 " What do you think of the fay now, sir, eh !
 
 OR THE ROAD OF LIFE. 209 
 
 I've been a watching all its goings on — the 
 Lord purtect us !" 
 
 '* Saddle the cob instantly," bawled the 
 governor : "a fay or the devil, I'll be at his 
 heels." 
 
 " Stop, Thomas, in the name of Heaven !" 
 cried my mother, catching hold of her hus- 
 band's night-gear, as he rushed to the door 
 with his drawers in his hand, and merely a 
 pair of slippers on his feet : " stop, Thomas, 
 in the name of Heaven !" she gasped, fixing 
 a firmer clutch on the tail of his shirt : 
 "you'll be turned into a pillar of salt like 
 Lot's wife, or something worse, if you dare 
 to follow. The ways of Heaven are inscruta- 
 ble ; attempt not to interfere." 
 
 " Let me go, Mary," rejoined the governor, 
 struggling to free himself from the grasp. 
 " What ! lose the Item ! Let me go, I say !" 
 and with a sudden jerk he gained his liberty, 
 leaving the piece of his garment in the hands 
 of his anxious wife.
 
 210 THE STAGE COACH, 
 
 With a bound and a jump he cleared the 
 stairs, threw back bolts and locks, rushed into 
 the yard, and, finding the cob had as yet but 
 a bridle on, he dragged him out of the stable, 
 and mounted, barebacked, to pursue the 
 phantom-coachman. 
 
 " God speed ye ! " exclaimed Andrews, 
 frightened beyond description for his master's 
 safety. 
 
 " Call Jacob to follow me," said the gover- 
 nor, striking his unro welled and stripped heels 
 into his horse's sides, and starting off at a 
 brisk gallop. 
 
 I have often heard my mother say that the 
 figure my father cut as he clattered out of the 
 yard was more ludicrous than she ever saw or 
 heard of. A long white cotton night-cap, 
 pulled down over his ears, a tail-less shirt, 
 and a pair of short drawers, made up the 
 whole of his attire. But no steel-clad knight 
 of old felt himself more careless of danger 
 when tilting for his ^' ladye-love " than did
 
 OR THE ROAD OF LIFE. 211 
 
 the governor in pursuit of his favourite drag, 
 the Item. On he went, urging his sturdy lit- 
 tle steed to his utmost speed, as he heard the 
 wheels of the coach in the silent night be- 
 come more distinct. Nearer and nearer he 
 approached, and the less the distance became 
 the more desirous was he to reach the ob- 
 ject. At length, about a mile and a quarter 
 from the town, he caught a glimpse of the 
 machine and the spectre-whip, in the clear 
 moon's light, as they were just descending 
 a hill. 
 
 " I wonder whether he'll stop to put the 
 skid on," said the governor. 
 
 The proceeding in question, however, was 
 apparently to be adopted, for scarcely had he 
 engendered the solicitous thought when the 
 coach came to a stand-stilL 
 
 " That's right, my buck 1 " ejaculated my 
 father : "' now I'll nab ye when you stop at 
 the bottom." 
 
 The Item had reached the level ground, and
 
 212 THE STAGE COACH, 
 
 again was pulled up just as the governor rat* 
 tied the cob to the hind-wheels. 
 
 '' Now then, who the devil are ye, and what 
 business have ye with my coach and bosses ? " 
 asked he as well as he could, for his breath 
 was somewhat spent. 
 
 Not a word was spoken in reply. Slowly 
 and carefully the bleached dragsman de- 
 scended from his seat, went to the wheel and 
 unfixed the skid, and then, gathering up the 
 ribands, was about climbing into the box 
 again, when the governor burst forth with 
 
 ** Not if ye're Beelzebub himself ! Come 
 on," said he, sliding from the cob's back, 
 and throwing himself into fighting trim : 
 " you shall either polish me off, or I will 
 you." 
 
 Still no notice was taken of the challenge. 
 The possessor of the reins appeared not to be 
 aware even of the governor's presence, or at 
 least not to care for it, but continued to 
 mount the seat he had pre-occupied.
 
 OR THE ROAD OF LIFE. 213 
 
 ^' Now this is a leetle too much," said my 
 father; and seizing the ghostly coachman 
 round the middle, he hurled him from the 
 wheel, with the strength of a second Samp- 
 son, into a large thick bed of thistles on the 
 roadside. 
 
 A howl of pain and terror soon revealed 
 the mystery. There /lay, bruised and pricked, 
 the unwitting actor of the scene, and author 
 of the farce of " THE sleep-driver." 
 
 " Well, that was as queer a drive as ever I 
 heard of, Jacob," observed Mr. Wirkem, as 
 the narrator concluded his adventure. " But 
 how did you get the traps on ? " 
 
 " Heaven only knows," replied Jacob : 
 *' but as I have told you, so did the events 
 occur." 
 
 " We haven't kept our time to-night, gen- 
 tlemen," said the President, pulling out his 
 watch : " it's more than ten minutes past 
 midnight. However, good company makes
 
 214 THE STAGE COACH 
 
 the hours run away like thoro'-breds ; we 
 can't always keep 'em in hand." 
 
 With this remark, Mr. Wirkem rose from 
 his chair, and the meeting separated. 
 
 (
 
 OR THE ROAD OF LIFE. 215 
 
 CHAPTER IX. 
 
 THE RESURRECTIONIST. 
 
 The New Year ! how happy and joyous the 
 sound falls ! The past^ replete with care and 
 sadness, has sunk in Time's abyss, and Hope, 
 budding from the o'ercharged breast, springs 
 like a flower in the early summer's sun. Sor- 
 rows carved deeply in many a heart are then 
 forgotten, and the gaudy future is anticipated, 
 alas ! only to deceive. '' The New Year's 
 come ! " is the exclamation. Hearts beat 
 lightly, hands are clasped, and a " God bless 
 ye, may it prove a happy one ! " is friend- 
 ship's blessing, fervent and sincere. The old 
 forget the companions of their youth, over 
 whom the rank weed rears its rough and taste-
 
 216 THE STAGE COACH, 
 
 less blade, and they give no heed of the 
 warning to themselves. The young are even 
 glad that one more year is added to the score, 
 so eager is tender childhood to clutch the 
 shadowy power of sinking age. All, all can 
 look upon the days that are gone, and still 
 feel no sorrow nigh. " The New Year's 
 come," is the burthen of the song and jest, 
 
 and 'tis 
 
 as the swan 
 Singing her own requiem. 
 
 The club-room presented more than an or- 
 dinary appearance for the evening's festivities. 
 Two extra candles were stuck in the necks of 
 a couple of wine-bottles on the high mantel- 
 shelf, and four more than usual were placed 
 on the table. A large misletoe was suspended 
 in the centre of the smoked and cobwebbed 
 ceiling, and sprigs of holly, speckled with red 
 berries, were adorning sundry crevices in the 
 cracked panels of the walls. In his wonted 
 place sat Mr. Wirkem, somewhat indistinct
 
 OR THE ROAD OF LIFE. 217 
 
 from the volumes of smoke curling around 
 him, and his companions filled their respec- 
 tive seats according to their custom or incli- 
 nation. 
 
 " Well, gentlemen ! " said the President, 
 stretching out his legs and leaning w^ell back 
 in his chair, " here we are together for the 
 first time on a New Year's day. Suppose 
 we have a bumper and sentiment to the 
 occasion." 
 
 " Good, very good !" responded Tom Short. 
 
 "Capital!" ejaculated one-eyed Jack, 
 taking his glass from the floor, which was the 
 selected spot for its standing, and commencing 
 the mixture of strong liquors. " Come, Joey," 
 Continued he, " shall I give you a snorter, or 
 will ye make one for yourself? " 
 
 " Each man for himself, and God for us 
 all ! " replied Mr. Wyper, in his hollow sepul- 
 chral tone. 
 
 " There's an old cock-crow for ye, sir ! " 
 added Jack, laughing, and addressing his 
 
 VOL. I. L
 
 218 THE STAGE COACH, 
 
 patron : -' there never was a he raven to beat 
 him at a croak." 
 
 " Raise your glasses above your heads that 
 I may see you're all fairly filled," said Mr. 
 Wirkem, giving John Hogg a preliminary nod 
 as a signal for that individual's silence. Per- 
 ceiving his mandate had been obeyed, the 
 President held aloft his brimming goblet, and 
 said, " May the New Year bring new friends, 
 and the old ones last for ever ! " 
 
 Tumultuous applause followed this senti- 
 ment. John Hogg's enthusiasm appeared to 
 have no limits. For some time he continued 
 to " hooray," and kick his pail until the 
 iron hoops threatened to sever from their 
 stronghold. At length, however, he re- 
 sumed his seat, and concluded his burst of 
 approval by remarking that " a bishop 
 wouldn't preach so much religion in a month 
 of sermons." 
 
 " The call's with me, Dick, I believe?" said 
 Jacob Plywel.
 
 OR THE ROAD OF LIFE. 219 
 
 " Yes, Jacob," replied the President, " ac- 
 cording to the rules." 
 
 " Come then, Tom Short, we'll have a touch 
 of your quality in the singing line," replied 
 Jacob. 
 
 " You might have picked a better card 
 from the pack," remarked the party ad- 
 dressed. 
 
 " I don't know that," added Mr. Wirkem, 
 with decided symptoms of an internal erup- 
 tion, " for I'm sure we've got a trum'p.^'' 
 
 A loud laugh ensued from this sally of the 
 President, and when the last " ha, ha ! " had 
 ceased, Tom Short began the following song 
 in a pleasing musical tone : — 
 
 The leaf is red, the leaf is sere. 
 
 The sunbeams early die ; 
 The swallow leaves her dwelling here 
 
 To seek a warmer sky. 
 
 Then mount, away to the forest glen, 
 
 I hear its echoes ring ; 
 When winter falls on other men, 
 
 It is the Sportsman's spring. 
 
 l2
 
 220 THE STAGE COACH, 
 
 The leaf is red, the leaf is sere. 
 Then brim the bowl with wine ; 
 
 What care we for the closing year. 
 Of early eve's decline ! 
 
 For gay the vigil hunters keep. 
 
 Nor heed the daylight gone. 
 The grape's red drops alone shall weep 
 
 For joys that bless the morn. 
 
 Oh then we'll ride by the covert side. 
 When the gallant fox steals by, 
 
 And give at view the loud halloo, 
 And hear the opening cry. 
 
 The trophies dear of that career 
 With blithesome spirits bring : 
 
 No fading scenes of life are here. 
 It is the Sportsman's spring ! 
 
 Spoons chinked and glasses hopped upon 
 the board like parched peas upon a drum-head, 
 as the vocalist completed his imposed task. 
 After a lapse of some duration, Mr. Wirkem 
 ofave a knock with the knuckle of his dexter 
 thumb, and all was hushed as if a fairy's wand 
 had rendered impotent the sturdy, thumping 
 fists.
 
 OR THE ROAD OF LIFE. 22 i 
 
 *' As atoms are to bodies, so are seconds to 
 the hours," sagely observed the President. 
 " Now, Tom, clap the collar on the right oss ; 
 the ticket's with you," continued he. 
 
 " I was thinking, Dick Wirkem," replied 
 Tom, " that most of us here have seen a great 
 deal of life, but a very little of death ; and, 
 as novelty's a tempting bait, I've made up my 
 mind to clap the harness on Mr. Wyper for a 
 little go of the latter, if so be that gentleman 
 approves." 
 
 John Hogg surveyed his friend from heel 
 to head, and then slowly retraced his gaze 
 from head to heel. Having performed this 
 minute examination, he clenched his fist, and 
 deliberately rising from his seat held it within 
 the smallest possible space from Melancholy 
 Joey's red-tipped nose. " You may think I'm 
 a jokin," said he, with a savage expression 
 scarcely admissible of such a supposition, 
 " but I'm not, so help me Betsy Baker ! If 
 you don't give mouth to somethin like a top-
 
 222 THE STAGE COACH, 
 
 sawyer of a yarn, I'll give ye a wallopin 
 that'll last in your bones for ever and one day 
 longer." 
 
 " Gently, John, gently, my lad," returned 
 Mr. Wirkem : "we must have no walloping 
 here, and no threats to wallop." 
 
 " Well, Mr, Wirkem, sir," returned Jack, 
 corrected and subdued, " I hope, after such a 
 dignity as Melancholy Joey's got thrust upon 
 him, he won't go for to make a ass of his- 
 self." 
 
 " No, no, no," added the President : " Mr. 
 Wyper will endeavour to avoid that, I'm 
 sure." 
 
 " I tell ye what it is, sirs," commenced 
 Joey ; " I've seen many a rum dodge in my 
 time, and if one of 'em will suit as I saw it, 
 why I can come the thing gingerly." 
 
 " Well said, old buck ! " exclaimed John 
 Hogg ; " there's nothin like a little conceit 
 at a go off." 
 
 " Confidence for the whip, and steadiness
 
 OR THE ROAD OF LIFE. 223 
 
 for the ribands !" added the President. *' But 
 come, Mr. Wyper, sharpen up with a sip of 
 your grog, and lead away." 
 
 Melancholy Joey's ideas of a sip appeared 
 to be of an enlarged order, for, taking his full 
 glass, he drained it to the last drop, and, after 
 wiping his moistened lips upon the cuff of his 
 " seedy" coat, he was prepared for the telling 
 of his tale. 
 
 I'm what may be called a reg'lar built 
 grave subject, and have been all my life (said 
 he). As I told ye once afore, I was bred and 
 born in a black yard, was brought up in one, 
 and expected — (here Melancholy Joey sighed 
 like a quaker) — to be tucked up and ticketed 
 for a better world in the same spot. Some 
 folks by nater are chalked out for partickler 
 callings ; I was for the funeral trade. When 
 quite a little lad, sirs, I used to trudge it long 
 distances to see a fine burial. The tolling of 
 a bell was music to me, and the shovelling of 
 the gravel into the grave good diversion.
 
 224 THE STAGE COACH, 
 
 Sometimes I'd have a game of hocky on the 
 sly with an old toothless skull, thrown up by 
 the sexton's spade, and my playground was 
 always in the churchyard alone. 
 
 It ain't generally known that we get up in 
 the undertaking business as people do in t'other 
 purfessions. From acting mute at the door- 
 post, we go to carrying a board o' feathers, 
 and so from step to step we rise, until we 
 drive either the cold-meat wan or the chief 
 mopers, which are the highest steps in our 
 ladder. After the various moves had been 
 made — and I rose uncommon rapid (continued 
 Joey, with a sparkle of pride glittering in his 
 dull, fishy eyes) — the governor informed me 
 I was to have the wan at the next job, as I 
 deserved encouragement from the ansum man- 
 ner I performed my parts. Sirs, I was struck 
 all of a heap with pleasure. Not quite five- 
 an-twenty, and to have the wan ! it was 
 more than I expected for ten years to 
 come.
 
 OR THE ROAD OF LIFE. 225 
 
 Soon after this, my master said, " We've 
 got a country job, Joey." 
 
 '* Have we, sir ? " said I, almost a-bustin 
 with delight. 
 
 " Yes," replied he ; " a stout gentleman 
 from Paddington will be your inside passen- 
 ger to Canterbury, where his friends will meet 
 him the day after to-morrow." 
 
 " Yes, sir," returned I. 
 
 ^* He's a wery fat un," continued he, " and 
 therefore you'll start to-nidit, so as to take 
 him down comfortable and gently by easy 
 stages." 
 
 " To be sure, sir," said I. 
 
 '* Don't jolt him, Joey," added he ; " he 
 might turn out an unpleasant customer if you 
 did ; he's such a melting subject." 
 
 " I won't, sir, you may rely upon it," re- 
 sponded I. 
 
 " You'll put up at the White Hart, where 
 we shall meet you with the traps," continued 
 
 L 5
 
 ^26 THE STAGE COACH, 
 
 master : *' and, now you've got your orders, 
 
 mind and obey 'em." 
 
 " I will, sir, to the alphabet," said I, 
 
 tickled to death with the notion of the thing. 
 It was just nine o'clock on a cold night in 
 February that I started with my passenger 
 from Paddington Green. My pair of tits had 
 their tails screwed up with straw to keep 
 'em from whisking the mud about, which 
 laid in the road inches deep; and of course 
 the wan wasn't togged out with feathers, as 
 it was only for travelling. 
 
 Howsumever, notwithstanding a want of 
 show, I felt proud enough as I drove away with 
 my load. Sometimes the moon peeped for a mo- 
 ment between dark and heavy clouds flying be- 
 fore a whistlin wind, making the night look 
 pitchy black and comfortless ; but lighting my 
 short pipe, and between the puffs humming a 
 tune, I felt as cheerful as a cricket in a hay field. 
 I was nursing the nags slowly up a hill, 
 about ten mile from Town, when I saw a very
 
 OR THE ROAD OF LIFE. 227 
 
 snug little box of an inn on the road side. 
 " Just the place for me to refresh at," said I 
 to myself; and, after seeing the nags provided 
 for in the stable, I took my way to the tap, 
 for the purpose of getting a snack and 
 damper. 
 
 " What, Joey ! " hallooed a voice as I en- 
 tered the room ; " is that you, old feller ?" 
 
 '' Yes," replied I, "it is ; how are you, 
 Harry Drinkal ?" 
 
 "Pretty middlin, thank ye," rejoined he, 
 " but a little flat upon my luck." 
 
 It was one of our cast-off dragsmen, who 
 had been in almost every yard in London ; but 
 nothing could keep him sober even at his jobs, 
 and so at last he was bundled off altogether, 
 and had, as I was told some time before, 
 turned Resurrectionist. Harry was a short 
 and thick-set wiry looking fellow, with a 
 broad face, and a pair of small eyes sunk right 
 under his shaggy brows. His mouth was the 
 largest I ever saw, and, taking him all in all.
 
 228 THE STAGE COACH, 
 
 he was about the ugliest chap to be seen in a 
 month's march. By his side sat a fox-haired 
 Irishman, tall, bony, and with the sinews of 
 an ox shewn in his bared and brawny arms ; 
 between his legs a white bulldog squatted ; 
 and, taking the three as a party, I never met 
 with a rougher lot. 
 
 " This old pal o' mine," said Harry, " Mr. 
 O'Brien, is a man always ready to fight and 
 drink from sunrise to sunset." 
 
 " Backards and forards as long as you 
 plase," observed Mr. O'Brien. 
 
 " I prefer drinking to fighting," I replied ; 
 " and, if you'll drink my health, I'll stand 
 treat." 
 
 After two or three goes of gin and whiskey 
 each, they became very talkative, and com- 
 menced letting me into their secrets. 
 
 " I suppose you know what we're about 
 to-night ?" whispered Harry. 
 
 '^ I guess the trick you're up to," said I. 
 
 " Sacking a subject," replied he ; " and the
 
 OR THE ROxVD OF LIFE. 229 
 
 best stroke of trade that we've had since we 
 took to the spade and pickaxe." 
 
 " And how's that ?" I inquired. 
 
 " A young feller who is a-walkin Guy's, 
 saw-bone and amputation shop wants a sub- 
 ject for private use," replied Harry, " and, 
 just for once in his life, wishes to see us peel 
 one of its shroud. But people must pay for 
 peepin, you know ; and so, said I, ' we don't 
 have no company on them occasions, sir. My 
 partner wouldn't take a matter of five pound 
 to let you be with us.' 
 
 " * Perhaps he'll take ten,' said he. 
 
 " ' A flimsy so scored,' replied I, ' might 
 get over his prejudices ; but he's uncommon 
 delicate.' With this he forked over the tin, 
 and Mr. O'Brien's consent was obtained for 
 his joining us to-night at the diggin match." 
 
 " It's a rum notion," observed I. 
 
 " Curiosity, sir, curiosity as pure as whis- 
 key," said Mr. O'Brien. *' There's more dibs 
 made out o' curiosity than any other universal
 
 230 THE STAGE COACH, 
 
 feelin. From a penny peep-show down to 
 seeing a queen crowned, or a man gibbeted, 
 it's curiosity that brings the browns." 
 
 " He's a real out-an-out feel-osopher," re- 
 marked Harry. " The firm of Drinkal and 
 O'Brien's no soft-soap sammy concern," con- 
 tinued he laughing, and giving his partner a 
 heavy bang between his shoulders. 
 
 " Are you sure of a good find to-night ? " 
 inquired I. 
 
 " Certain," replied Harry. " We had in- 
 formation of a young female's being earthed 
 to-day not three mile from here, and the 
 yard's nicely lonesome." 
 
 " I thought you said our customer was to 
 join us here at ten o'clock," remarked Mr. 
 O'Brien, as the clock in the tap-room struck 
 the hour, and a wooden something-like-a-bird 
 cuckooed before the dial. 
 
 " Well, old punctual, and so I did," replied 
 Harry. " I dare say the gentleman will be 
 here presently."
 
 OR THE ROAD OF LIFE. S31 
 
 " I'll go and get the horse put in then," 
 rejoined his partner; and with this he left 
 the room. 
 
 Soon after his going away the door was 
 thrown open, and in came a tall young man 
 wrapped in a great wide cloak. He seemed 
 somewhere about twenty year old, and was 
 very pale about the mug, with sharp thin fea- 
 tures. 
 
 " Pretty near your time, sir," observed 
 Harry, rising as the stranger entered the room. 
 
 " Yes," replied he : " but I'm hardly dis- 
 posed to accompany you, the night's so 
 wretched and cold." 
 
 *' Never turn tail, sir," said Harry, encou- 
 ragingly. " Take a glass o' hot brandy-an'- 
 water ; that's a lotion agin cold." 
 
 " Are you ready to start ?" asked the gen- 
 tleman. 
 
 " We shall be in a brace of minutes," re- 
 plied Harry. " My partner's gone to bring 
 the cart round."
 
 232 THE STAGE COACH, 
 
 Mr. O'Brien, however, remained absent much 
 longer than was expected, and when he re- 
 turned he seemed to be quite warm. The 
 perspiration stood on his face, and he was 
 panting for breath. 
 
 " What the devil have you been about ?" 
 asked Harry. 
 
 '^ I forgot to bring the spades," replied he ; 
 " and I've been a matter of two mile to get a 
 couple of tools." 
 
 '* Forgot to bring the spades !" exclaimed 
 Harry. "Why I — " 
 
 " No you didn't," interrupted Mr. O'Brien. 
 
 "But I say— " 
 
 " You didn't," again interrupted the Irish- 
 man, and I fancied he gave Harry a leary 
 wink. 
 
 *'Eh! oh! ha] perhaps you're right, per- 
 haps you're right," returned Harry, and then 
 he went into a fit o' laughin, as though he'd 
 crack his sides. " Only to think," said he, 
 „ that I should forgot them spades. What a
 
 OR THE ROAD OF LIFE. 233 
 
 go !" and then he haw-haw'd again, as if he 
 was full o' grins. 
 
 I couldn't see any thing to laugh at in this, 
 and wondered what tittivated him so. Oh, 
 sirs ! I was young, and greener than grass 
 then. Little did I think o' the prank Mr. 
 O'Brien had played with my fat passenger. 
 
 " Do you take the wan any farther to- 
 night?" said Harry to me. 
 
 " Yes," replied I, " about six or eight 
 miles." 
 
 "Then you'll pass the spot where we're 
 going to work," replied he : " perhaps you'll 
 hail us ; and we'll give ye a drop o' comfort 
 from this flask," continued he, producing one 
 from his pocket. " It's full to the cork of 
 good old Jamaica rum." 
 
 *' Thank'e," returned I, "I will, if there's 
 no chance of being nabbed." 
 
 ** Lor love ye !" said Mr. O'Brien, " there's 
 not a sowl to interrupt us ; and if there was," 
 continued he between his clenched teeth, and
 
 234 THE STAGE COACH, 
 
 looking more savage than the bull-dog at his 
 feet, ^^ I'd soon quiet 'em." 
 
 " Come, I hear the cart's round," observed 
 Harry, " let's be off ; we shall see you again 
 presently." 
 
 With this the three left the house, and, 
 climbing into a light cart at the door, Harry 
 hallooed out, " Let go his head," and with a 
 plunge the horse bounded for'ard at a break- 
 neck pace. 
 
 I was soon afterwards on the same road 
 with my drag. The cold increased with the 
 night. A thin sleet fell, with some rain, and 
 was blown into my face till I had no feelin 
 left in it. Howling and whistling through 
 the leafless trees and hedges, the wind swept 
 along, and nothing was heard above its roar 
 but the bark of a watch-dog now and then, 
 and the harsh scream of a screech-owl, as 
 she flapped her broad wing in the wintry 
 blast. 
 
 At a jog trot I proceeded, and when I had
 
 OR THE ROAD OF LIFE. 235 
 
 got about three miles from the inn, I saw in 
 the rays of the moon, which showed her face 
 for a moment, the spire of a country church 
 peeping above the top of a tall dark yew- 
 tree, and close to the road side. Under the 
 tree I saw a light move, and then it appeared 
 to be put out. " That's Harry's dark lan- 
 tern," said I to myself, and so it proved 
 to be. 
 
 Upon stopping opposite the church, I heard 
 the click of the spade at work, and, getting 
 oif my box, was directed towards the spot by 
 the sound. When within a short distance of 
 them, the dog, who was squatting on a sunken 
 grave, gave a deep threatening growl. 
 
 " Is that you, Joey ?" inquired Mr. O'Brien. 
 
 '' All right !" I replied. 
 
 " Down, Jowler, then, down, old feller," 
 replied his master. " If it had been any body 
 we didn't want to see," continued O'Brien, 
 laughing, '' he'd have drawn their windpipe 
 out by this time."
 
 236 THE STAGE COACH, 
 
 By the side of a partly-opened grave, in 
 which Harry was working, stood the young 
 medical student, and, as I came near him, I 
 knew he was either trembling with fear, or 
 shivering with cold, for his teeth chattered to- 
 gether, so as to be heard some distance off. 
 '* Make haste," he said, impatiently ; " I wish 
 to God I had not come !" 
 
 " Don't get in the fidgets, sir," replied 
 O'Brien ; " Harry will soon unkennel her. 
 Take a drop o' rum : it'll comfort the cockles 
 of your buzzum, sir," continued he, offering 
 the flask. 
 
 " No, no, no, I can't drink," rejoined he. 
 " Make haste ; pray let us leave here directly." 
 
 " As soon as possible, if you're in such a 
 hurry," added O'Brien. " But in a snug 
 cozy place like this, I don't see any call for 
 haste." 
 
 "I do, I do," returned the gentleman, 
 quickly. " I know there's cause for haste." 
 
 *'Pooh, pooh! you're a little bit scared.
 
 OR THE ROAD OF LIFE. 237 
 
 sir, that's all," added the Irishman. " Ha, 
 ha, ha ! how easy some folks are frightened ! 
 Ha, ha, ha ! I can't help laughing :" and his 
 loud peal echoed through the place, until 
 every gravestone seemed to throw back the 
 sound. 
 
 " I say, you Paddy," called a voice from 
 below. 
 
 " Well, and what have you to say ?" in- 
 quired O'Brien, leaning over the edge of the 
 grave. 
 
 " We're in the wrong box," replied Harry. 
 " This is a real stale un, and no mistake." 
 
 The Irishman, hearing this, stamped his 
 feet with rage, and cursed like a fiend. 
 
 " Hush !" exclaimed the young gentleman, 
 springing to his side : " hold your ribald 
 tongue." 
 
 "Ain't it enough to make a dumb infant 
 swear?" returned O'Brien. " Are ye sure it's 
 too ripe, Harry ?" inquired he. 
 
 " I'm not certain," replied his partner ; 
 '* but the box is very crumbly."
 
 238 THE STAGE COACH 
 
 After a short pause O'Brien lowered some 
 grappling irons attached to a rope into the 
 grave, and told Harry to fix them in the 
 shroud; *'for," said he, "you'll be a week 
 in making up your mind about her." 
 
 "I'm very doubtful, certainly," replied 
 Harry ; " but there you are, all right ; pull 
 away." 
 
 Hand ov^er fist the Irishman tugged the 
 corpse to the verge of the grave, and, taking 
 it in his arms, threw it across his bent knee 
 upon the ground. 
 
 " She won't do," said he, putting his hand 
 into a side pocket, and taking out a hammer. 
 " But she's got some good grinders for the 
 dentist ;" and, holding the lantern close to 
 the body's face, he struck the mouth sharply, 
 crushing in the jaw. 
 
 A shriek wild and piercing burst close to 
 my ear as the hammer fell. " My God ! My 
 God !" exclaimed a voice ; and, jumping yards 
 at a single bound, the young gentleman fas-
 
 Ill 1 1 .11 11 mmmmmmmmmmm 
 
 •5 . ^ •> '^ 
 
 THE STUTBEKT Ml CO SMS SIM© WIS M®M1R.
 
 i
 
 OR THE ROAD OF LIFE. 239 
 
 tened a grip like a tiger upon the throat of 
 the Irishman. In a moment he was hurled to 
 the ground, like a bull-dog shaking a rat from 
 him. 
 
 " Why, what's the matter with you ?" said 
 O'Brien. 
 
 " The matter !" screamed the medical stu- 
 dent. " The matter !" and then he rolled 
 upon the earth, as though in liquid fire. " Ha, 
 ha, ha !" but the laugh was more horrid than 
 his shrieks. 
 
 ''By St. Patrick!" said O'Brien, "he's 
 gone clean mad." 
 
 " Would to Heaven that I was !" hallooed 
 the gentleman. " Would to Heaven that I 
 was ! for then" 
 
 He could say no more, but fell into a fit by 
 the side of the corpse, apparently with as little 
 of life left in him. 
 
 Thinking his noise might disturb the neigh- 
 bourhood, I didn't wait an instant longer, but, 
 running as fast as I could out of the yard,
 
 240 THE STAGE COACH, 
 
 mounted my trap, and started again with my 
 load. ^*But, sirs," said Melancholy Joey, 
 casting a look respectively to each individual 
 present, and, making a brief, but effective 
 pause, '' I learned soon afterwards that the 
 subject was the young gentleman's own mo- 
 therr 
 
 This startling announcement caused a thrill 
 of horror. Melancholy Joey was regarded 
 with silent looks for some time, as if to exa- 
 mine whether he had been too poetic with his 
 prose. At length Mr. Wirkem asked, '*Is 
 that tale quite true, Mr. Wyper ?" 
 
 " Upon my Davy !" replied Joey ; " but I 
 haven't quite finished it."
 
 OR THE ROAD OF LIFE. 241 
 
 CHAPTER X. 
 
 THE RESURRECTIONIST CONCLUDED. 
 
 The next morning (resumed Melancholy 
 Joey), and just as we were figged out in our 
 best plumes and feathers, a pal that was a- 
 goin to mount the board said, " Joey, this 
 here piece o' writin's for you," offering me a 
 letter directed " to Mr. Jo. Wyper, the man 
 wot's going to drive the wan." Upon ripping 
 it open, sirs, }'0u may think o' my promiscus 
 feelins when I read the . . . but you shall 
 have the thing itself (continued the speaker), 
 diving a hand into a pocket, which from its 
 depth seemed to be devoid of a bottom, and 
 extricating a rusty old glove which served the 
 purpose of a pocket-book. 
 
 VOL. I. M
 
 242 THE STAGE COACH, 
 
 From a closely-packed roll of begrimed and 
 bilious-looking papers, Melancholy Joey se- 
 lected the one referred to, and after carefully 
 unfolding it, so that the chafed folds might 
 not separate from their fair proportions, he 
 commenced reading the contents : 
 
 " Dear Joseph — I'm almost a-bustin with 
 larfin to think how you will be laftat when 
 our go of last night comes to be known to 
 your pals and ourn. But as you ave been an 
 out-an-out radical with the lush, and most- 
 ways treated me like a gel'man, I won't let 
 it get you into trouble if so be you're not 
 a slap-up suck-egg of a fool. Now, Joey, 
 think of a friend's advice. Be par tickler in 
 telling the hodmen to draw the load with an 
 old nurse's care from the wan, for if they 
 shake him, mark my words, Joey, he'll rattle 
 like marbles in a saucepan. And if so be any 
 of the real mopers hear the row, they may 
 take it into their obstinate heads to call for a 
 jemmy or screwdriver. In this case, my fine
 
 OR THE ROAD OF LIFE. 243 
 
 feller, you'd get struck with a fit o' the uglies. 
 Your peepers would open like a couple of trap- 
 doors, and your mouth stretch so that only 
 half your head would remain on. Joey, all 
 you'd see would be a few dozen o' large flint 
 stones, grubbed up from the stable, and put 
 there in place of your fat passenger by my 
 leary partner O'Brien. Joey, you may think 
 I'm a-lyin, but I'm not when I say, if I'd a- 
 knowd of his dodge aforehand it shouldn't 
 have happened. Howsomever, wot's done 
 can't be undone, and all you've got to do is, 
 mind and not have the box shaken, that's all. 
 — Harry Drinkal." 
 
 You may suppose, sirs (said Mr. Wyper, 
 replacing the letter in its former position), 
 that I had a sort of a queerish sensation at 
 this piece of news. All manner of fancies 
 came over me. The old widder '11 insist on 
 having just one last look, thought I, afore he's 
 covered up. Then I feared we should have a 
 upset, a hodman slip, or a rope snap. All 
 
 M 2
 
 244 THE STAGE COACH, 
 
 possible events for finding me out in the quan- 
 dary were chewed very fine in my brain, I 
 assure ye ; and as I got upon my box to join 
 in the procession, no poor fellow ever mounted 
 a much more uneasy seat in this world or the 
 other, I know. As in a good many other 
 affairs, appearances being agin me, no one 
 would credit the truth in case the exchange 
 was discovered ; and it being my first leadin 
 job, all my hopes and prospects of course 
 depended on the secret remaining snug and 
 secure. 
 
 On our way to the yard, things went smooth 
 enough. I was more gentle than a lamb with 
 the tits, especially round the near corners, 
 for, thought I, if one or two of them stones 
 get loose, there'll be a-find-me-out to a cer- 
 tainty. 
 
 " Be careful, Sammy," said I to one of the 
 hodmen as he unfastened the wan-door ; ** be 
 careful, Sammy. Master partickerly ordered 
 that he wasn't to be jolted."
 
 OR THE ROAD OF LIFE. 245 
 
 "Mind your own business," growled Sammy, 
 for he was a ill-tempered chap, and couldn't 
 abide to be spoken to. — " I dare say," conti- 
 nued he, in a loudish whisper, " you smacked 
 him here at the rate of twelve mile an hour, 
 and had the rest of the time in the taps along 
 the road." 
 
 "At no expense of yours, if I did," re- 
 plied I : " and as to minding my own busi- 
 ness, I'm doing that when I'm instructin 
 you." 
 
 "Blow your cheek, young Bumptious," 
 returned he, turning blue with rage, and 
 giving the coffin such a pull that sent all the 
 blood tingling to my toes, and preparing to 
 give it another dangerous tug. 
 
 Desperation, sirs, makes a man beside him- 
 self. Without thinkin of the consequences, 
 but only of the likelihood of Sammy's vio- 
 lence letting the cat out of the bag, I leaped 
 off the box-seat, and, throwing the ribands 
 across the tits, rushed to what I may call the 
 rescue.
 
 246 THE STAGE COACH, 
 
 " Drop that as you would a hot tater," 
 cried I, clutching hold of the box which is the 
 last package a man's tucked up in in this life. 
 " Burn your imperence !" hallooed Sammy, 
 planting a left-handed straight and strong un 
 just in the middle of my pin-cushion. " Put 
 that in your pipe," said he. 
 
 It shrivelled me up, sirs, like a soaked 
 leather glove. Down I tumbled back'ards, 
 and laid sprawling in the road without a puff 
 of wind in my internals. Master, who was 
 a-standin with the old widder and the other 
 kids of the fat old gentleman's family at some 
 little distance off, saw there was somethin 
 amiss, and came running towards us like a 
 lamplighter. 
 
 "Wot's all this about, eh?" asked he, 
 " wot's all this about?" 
 
 Now Sammy was as artful a card as ever 
 was picked, and seeing I couldn't speak a 
 word, said he, '' Sir, I'm sorry to say Joey's 
 drunk."
 
 OR THE ROxVD OF LIFE. 247 
 
 " Drunk !" exclaimed he, fixing a look upon 
 me that I shall never forget : " drunk at a 
 job like this ! Oh, Joey ! what a ungrateful 
 varmint you are !" 
 
 " I'm not, sir," replied I as well as I could, 
 but each word seemed to prove to the con- 
 trary. " I'm not drunk, sir. Sammy's hit 
 me in the tenderest spot o' my body, cause I 
 wanted to see your orders obeyed, and he 
 wouldn't do 'em." 
 
 *' Shut up your caterwauling," returned 
 master, fit to kick all of us into the middle of 
 the next year. " I'll see into the row by-an- 
 by. Not a undertaker with the best practice 
 in England but must be in the Gazette if his 
 men get msihly drunk at his jobs," continued 
 he. 
 
 After the performance was over, there was 
 a reg'lar sort of trial, and master, believing 
 my story, sent Sammy to the right-about- 
 face, and, thinking a good plaster might be 
 made out of it for the morning's rumpus, went
 
 248 THE STAGE COACH, 
 
 with his best business-face to the family, and 
 made out that I was one of the tenderest- 
 buzzomed chicks ever hatched ; "an iudi- 
 vidooal," said he, " po-sessin the feelings of 
 an angel — one who couldn't tamely sit by and 
 see a dead feller creetur jolted." With a lit- 
 tle more lingo, gents, he so scraped upon the 
 catgut of the old widder, that she sent me 
 the gift of a guinea, and a message to bid 
 me remember " that one kind turn often brings 
 another." 
 
 As near as I can recollect, it was just two 
 months after this funeral o' the box of stones 
 that we were ordered on a job to Kensington. 
 The day was very wet and doleful-looking. 
 A thick yellow fog hung in one dense cloud 
 from house-tops to the damp and greasy 
 stones. A drizzling rain fell, and the air 
 seemed to drill itself through your wheezing 
 lungs. Cold and wet, we arrived at the house 
 where we were to take up, and the size of the 
 building, with its out-of-the-way appearance, 
 led me to inquire what it was.
 
 OR THE ROAD OF LIFE. S49 
 
 " It's a sylum," replied one of our chaps a- 
 decorating the board ; "a syluin for people 
 wet's lost their wits." 
 
 '* Are we going then to earth one of 'ena ?" 
 said I. 
 
 " Yes," replied he ; " we're just about put- 
 ting the finishing stroke to that which the 
 horrors began, Joey." 
 
 " What do you mean ?" asked I. 
 
 " A strange dodge, certainly," he returned, 
 wisking a feather like a maid would a mop to 
 shake the moisture out of it : "as rum a 
 dodge as ever I heard of," continued he. " One 
 of the keepers told me as I was screwing him 
 up — a fine young feller as a cover was ever 
 clapped over — that he was a young doctor a- 
 practising anatomy, and, wanting a subject, 
 he went with some work- by-nights to raise 
 one. Not knowing where they were going to, 
 you may guess his surprise when he found 
 himself in the churchyard of his own village. 
 The horrors now began to creep upon him, 
 
 M 5
 
 250 THE STAGE COACH, 
 
 and he tried to persuade them to leave the 
 place, but ' No, no !' was the answer, ' not 
 until we fill our bag.' It does beat cock- 
 fighting !" continued my pal. " When a body 
 was turned up, hang me if it wasn't the young 
 gentleman's maternal parent, wot had been 
 there for some seven weeks." 
 
 " Good God !" I exclaimed, rememberin 
 the circumstance of the night : " and what 
 followed?" 
 
 " From this moment the young feller be- 
 came daft," rejoined my pal; '' and, sinking 
 day by day, at last is going to be driven by 
 Melancholy Joey to a cozy corner in the new 
 cemetery." 
 
 Such, sirs (continued the speaker) is the 
 end of the story of the resurrectionist. 
 
 When Mr. Wyper's gradually dropping voice 
 ceased to attract the attention of his audience, 
 John Hogg rose from his pail, and, taking his 
 friend's dexter hand within his own, gave it a
 
 OR THE ROAD OF LIFE. 251 
 
 long and hearty grasp. An unequivocal look 
 of admiration illuminated his countenance : 
 and brief but pithy was the expression of his 
 approbation : 
 
 "Joey," said he, "you're a brick !"
 
 252 THE STAGE COACH, 
 
 CHAPTER XL 
 
 THE LEGEND. 
 
 " I like a true story," observed Mr.Wirkem. 
 " There's a relish in one which savours like 
 salt in a herring, and no one can doubt Mr. 
 Wyper's." 
 
 " It was a slap-up one," said one-eyed Jack. 
 " And, as to the truth on it, Mr. Wirkem, sir, 
 Joey ain't got enough o' wot's called poetry 
 in his garret to make up such a slidin, slip- 
 pery, oily-like buster,'" 
 
 " Truth is a recommendation, certainly," 
 remarked the Vice-president surlily, rapping 
 his pipe upon the floor to eject the consumed 
 and tasteless ashes. "But that yarn was of 
 the miserable order, and I think we all get
 
 OR THE ROAD OF LIFE. 253 
 
 enough o' that truss without suckin it like a 
 lollipop for pleasure." 
 
 " Different folk have different opinions 
 upon different subjects," replied Mr. Wirkem. 
 " Every one here has a right, when called 
 upon, to sing or say whatever he chooses. 
 And I do think, Bill Johnson," continued he, 
 somewhat angrily and with much emphasis 
 upon the auxiliary, " that when a gentleman 
 can't lift his whip in a friendly salute, he'd 
 better stick it between his knees instead of 
 flanking it without cause." 
 
 John Hogg rubbed his knees triumphantly 
 at the conclusion of his patron's observation, 
 and, nodding his head significantly at Melan- 
 choly Joey, whispered, *' There's a trump for 
 
 ye." 
 
 A silence of some duration ensued after 
 this remark from Mr. Wirkem. At length it 
 was broken by his taking his glass, and saying, 
 as a preliminary to the sip, and in a con* 
 ciliatory tone, " When we're at Rom(^
 
 254 THE STAGE COACH, 
 
 Bill Johnson, we should do as the Romans 
 do." 
 
 " Certainly, Mr. Wirkem, sir," chimed in 
 one-eyed Jack, with a twinkle of delight re- 
 flected in his bachelor organ of vision. " And 
 when we're at Turkey," continued he, " we 
 should do as the Turkeys do." 
 
 A roar of laughter followed Jack's mis- 
 nomer of the nation addicted to turbans and 
 a plurality of wives ; but that individual only 
 repeated the sage remark, and backed it by 
 adding, '' Them's 7?i^ sentiments." 
 
 Good humour and good fellowship being 
 restored, Mr. Wirkem suggested that '' some- 
 body might volunteer a stave, and then 
 Mr. Wyper would exercise his right of 
 call." 
 
 " I may appear too much of a leader in 
 volunteers," said Richard Banbury, " having 
 given one before. But, if it's agreeable, I'll 
 try another." 
 
 " Do, Dick, my boy," replied the Presi-
 
 OR THE ROAD OF LIFE. ^55 
 
 dent. " For your warbling's like listening to 
 a cock nightingale in broadcloth." 
 
 " It is, it is," were the general vociferations 
 from all parts of the table. 
 
 " Then here's for a start," said the volun- 
 teer. 
 
 Let smiles and bright eyes beam on me. 
 
 To glad my fleeting hours ; 
 I love thee as a honey bee 
 
 Loves bright and blushing flowers. 
 
 Nay, let no pouting curl thy lip. 
 
 No tear-drops dim thine eyes ; 
 But from the morn of life let's sip 
 
 Joy's sunbeams as they rise. 
 
 The world would be a mournful one, 
 
 If doubts, and fears, and sighs. 
 Could lend to life their sadder tone, 
 
 And cloud our starry skies. 
 
 Then smile, dear girl, and let us say, 
 When Time has cull'd the flowers. 
 
 Our life was as a summer's day, 
 Pass'd with the laughing hours.
 
 ^56 THE STAGE COACH, 
 
 *' We don't want a better song than that, 
 gentlemen, I think," said the President, ap- 
 provingly. '' There's none o' your kickshaws 
 and running up and down as if he was off the 
 road ; but plain, pretty tuning that sinks into 
 one's buzzum." 
 
 " And below it, Mr. Wirkem, sir," added 
 John Hogg, placing his dexter hand tenderly 
 upon his abdomidal regions. " And below it, 
 sir," repeated he. 
 
 " Ah !" soliloquized the President, turning 
 his chin to the dingy ceiling, and sending 
 forth a dense volume from the soporific weed, 
 " The direct road to a man's heart is con- 
 sistent with its approximating locality — the 
 stomach." 
 
 " A truer sayin never came from a parson," 
 observed Bill Johnson. " Don't we see all 
 sorts o' charities — ospitals, schools, lunatic 
 asylums, prisons, and suchlike institootions — 
 supported by voluntary contributions — as 
 they call postin the monkey. And how and
 
 OR THE ROAD OF LIFE. 257 
 
 when is it done ? Why, after a spread and a 
 feed that 'd open any man's bowels of com- 
 passion, to be sure. Those very individuals," 
 continued the sagacious Vice-president, " who 
 come down with the dust handsumly after 
 dinner, would n't fork out a single dib afore 
 breakfast." 
 
 " Right, Bill, right," returned Mr. Wirkem, 
 and with the air of a philosopher he con- 
 tinued, '' There's a chain which links the fil- 
 tered feelings of our nature with the grossest 
 and most animal. Generosity is never so 
 generous as when under the influence of 
 roast beef and plum-pudding ; turtle-soup and 
 charity are twin-sisters, venison and friend- 
 ship first-cousins. In a political point of 
 view, in a religious point of view, and in a 
 general point of view, nothing can be driven 
 with smiling success on the box, unless, gen- 
 tlemen — I say, unless, gentlemen," repeated 
 the President, pausing for effect, ^* the pas- 
 sengers are well lined o' the inside."
 
 258 THE STAGE COACH 
 
 There was no reply made to this observa- 
 tion, but each nodded a silent approval to 
 his neighbour; and Mr. Wirkem was regarded 
 by all as a man worthy of the post of first 
 lord of the treasury. 
 
 " It's my turn now," whispered Melancholy 
 Joey to his friend. " And I mean to clap the 
 pall on you, John." 
 
 " No, no, no," returned Jack. " I've had 
 a go in the mill. Shove the bit in another 
 mouth." 
 
 '^ I shall call on you," obstinately rejoined 
 Mr. Wyper, in an under-tone. 
 
 " If you do," added one-eyed Jack between 
 his teeth and clenching a fist with ominous 
 portent, " I'll — ," and he slightly shook it 
 without finishing the sentence. 
 
 " Then I won't," returned Melancholy 
 Joey. 
 
 After a brief silence the President said, 
 " Now we're all attention for the call. Who 
 is it to be, Mr. Wyper?"
 
 OR THE ROAD OF LIFE. 259 
 
 " I'm sure I don't know, sir," whined that 
 individuah " Perhaps you'll assist me in the 
 job." 
 
 " To be sure I will," replied Mr. Wirkem, 
 '* if there's no objection to it." 
 
 '^ None in the least, I'm sure, Dick Wirkem," 
 added the Vice-president. 
 
 " Then, supposing we girt Tom Short ; 
 what say ye, Mr. Wyper, eh ?" 
 
 Melancholy Joey gave an assenting jerk 
 with his head. 
 
 " Well, sirs !" exclaimed Tom Short, in a 
 rather expostulatory tone, " I didn't expect 
 to be called on to-night, and it's rather late 
 for a long story." 
 
 " Then give us a short one," replied the 
 President. 
 
 " What must be must," added Tom., with 
 a sigh, " and so I suppose you must have one. 
 When I was a boy, a tale was told to me by 
 my grandmother, which, perhaps, may please 
 
 ye."
 
 260 THE STAGE COACH, 
 
 " No doubt of it," rejoined Mr. Wirkem ; 
 " come, let's have it." 
 
 When Tom Short had drained a bumper 
 " full and fair," he commenced the following 
 LEGEND. 
 
 In an old manor-house, not far from the 
 sea-shore, lived one of the loveliest ladies in 
 England, called Agnes M^Caire. She was 
 the heiress of a very rich old colonel, who 
 had passed the best part of his life in India, 
 and with age and hard service was upon the 
 verge of his grave, when his daughter cap- 
 tivated — as it's called by the gentry — a neigh- 
 bouring gentleman ; a fine, young, handsome 
 fox-hunter. 
 
 Frederick Catonder, for that was his 
 name, loved Miss M^Caire as others have 
 loved, " not wisely but too well ;" and, like 
 most other women under such circumstances, 
 she took advantage of his folly. Wild as a 
 fawn, the lady cared not what people thought 
 of her gay freaks, which were pretty constant
 
 OR THE ROAD OF LIFE. 261 
 
 in some shape or other. Sometimes she would 
 mount a vicious colt, deaf to the entreaties of 
 every body, and ride him with the speed of a 
 pressed stag over heath and moor, hill and 
 valley ; her long hair streaming in the wind, 
 and a careless laugh ringing from her lips as 
 she swept over break-neck fences, walls, and 
 brooks. When the gale whistled across the 
 tossing waves, occasionally she might be seen 
 alone, steering a light boat over the mountain- 
 billows, as fearless of danger as the white sea- 
 gull. 
 
 Her father, who doted upon his untamed, 
 beautiful child, never for a moment thought 
 of checking with his authority any whim or 
 inclination, however imprudent it might be. 
 When angry at some past act of this kind, 
 she would kiss and caress him out of ill- 
 humour; and thus contrived to do just as she 
 pleased. 
 
 'Tis said that no one could withstand 
 any thing desired by Agnes M'Caire. If a
 
 262 THE STAGE COACH, 
 
 smile did not procure what was wished, a 
 frown from her black flashing eyes was cer- 
 tain to do so. The talk of the country round 
 was the heiress of the Manor-house. The 
 poor blessed her, and prayed for her preser- 
 vation, for her charity to them was bound- 
 less. The sick would find her gliding into 
 the chamber, smoothing their pillow with 
 ready hand, and administering the consolation 
 of an angel, as she was — in some respects. 
 
 In appearance, Miss M^Caire was a per- 
 fect beauty. Her skin was pink and white 
 mingled, like the tints of the lily and the 
 rose ; her figure was tall and proud in bear- 
 ing ; and, notwithstanding her wilfulness, 
 but few eyes have seen a better or more 
 lovely lady. 
 
 Among numbers of other gentlemen, Mr. 
 Catonder started in the race for the prize of 
 Agnes M^Caire. He was a true gentleman, 
 with a kind, frank, and open heart. Not one 
 in the country bore a superior name ; and he
 
 OR THE ROAD OF LIFE. 263 
 
 was the admitted straightest rider in the 
 hunt, both far and near. For a long time 
 the lady treated him, as she had done all 
 others, with doubtful favour. Sometimes a 
 cold distant look would be returned for an 
 approaching attention; at other times, an 
 unequivocal one of pleasure. Thus she con- 
 tinued to toy and play with the feelings of 
 her admirers, just as an angler with a hooked 
 trout; but Frederick Catonder had snared 
 Miss M'Caire's heart, although he was ig- 
 norant of his success. 
 
 Tormented and tired with the conflicting 
 conduct of Miss Agnes, he resolved to settle 
 the affair at a short jump, yes or no ; and 
 one day, mounting his favourite horse, Mr. 
 Frederick Catonder rode towards the manor- 
 house for this purpose. 
 
 The morning had a dull look; the wind 
 came in gusts, and then a dead calm ensued, 
 changeable as the smiles and frowns of Miss 
 M^Caire, when the lover, full of doubts and
 
 264 THE STAGE COACH 
 
 fears, cantered between the row of towering 
 elms upon the hard road leading to the 
 manor-house. 
 
 The clattering of the horse's hoofs as he 
 neared called the attention of Miss Agnes 
 from teaching a pet spaniel to perform some 
 trick ; for her amusements generally consisted 
 in attending upon her dogs and birds, and 
 endeavouring to accomplish them in mischief. 
 Books and music she never thought of, like 
 other ladies ; but occasionally all the servants 
 and people about would stop in their work to 
 listen to one of her untaught songs, which 
 charmed like the fairy queen's. It was the 
 old colonel's greatest delight for her to sit 
 close to his easy chair in the evening, and, 
 in a suppressed voice, chant some heart- 
 melting prayer of her own making, as the 
 sun was setting behind the distant hills. 
 
 Miss Agnes saw the horseman's approach, 
 and at once thought of the object of his 
 coming. It was earlier than usual for morn-
 
 OR THE ROAD OF LIFE. ^65 
 
 ing visits, and, from previous reasons, she had 
 but little doubt of the cause of this one. 
 
 " He looks very handsome !" she exclaimed, 
 " and he's a kind, good, dear fellow. Shall 
 I, or shall I not ? That is my choice." And 
 her fair brow was knit in deep thought. 
 
 Ringing the bell violently for her attend- 
 ant, she hastily had her riding-habit put on, 
 ordered her horse to be saddled and brought 
 to the door immediately, and met Mr. Caton- 
 der upon the steps of the house, just as he 
 had dismounted. 
 
 " Ah ! Mr. Catonder. What, so early ! I 
 almost regret my intended gallop," said Miss 
 M^Caire, with as roguish a look as ever 
 probed the heart of a man. 
 
 " Perhaps you will permit me to accom- 
 pany you;" replied Mr. Catonder, looking 
 rather confused. 
 
 '' Well, I know of nothing that can be 
 urged as a reasonable objection," replied 
 Miss Agnes, carelessly. 
 
 VOL. I. N
 
 Q66 THE STAGE COACH, 
 
 " I should try to overrule any that might 
 be submitted this morning, I assure you, 
 Miss M'Caire," rejoined Mr. Catonder, by 
 way of a hint to what he was going to say. 
 
 "Indeed! What, so bold, Sir Knight!" 
 exclaimed Miss Agnes, laughing. 
 
 " The coward often becomes desperate, you 
 know," replied he. 
 
 " Come, come, no craven similes. Coward, 
 forsooth ! What gentleman ever had a das- 
 tard's nerves ? If, by accident, there is such a 
 thing, and he spoke, or even looked at me, 
 I'd whip him from my sight like an offend- 
 ing hound." And the lady's riding switch 
 cracked in the air as she suited the action 
 to the words. 
 
 "By my honour, I shouldn't like to come 
 under the lash," said Mr. Catonder : " but I 
 hope I am in no such danger." 
 
 " No, indeed. I believe you may deem 
 yourself free from any such ordeal," replied 
 Miss Agnes.
 
 OR THE ROAD OF LIFE. 267 
 
 " But where do you intend riding ? Is 
 the dewdrop to be brushed from the heath- 
 bell, or the emerald turf pressed upon the 
 downs ?" 
 
 '' Inquired with all the romance of a time- 
 yellowed novel," replied Miss M'Caire. " No 
 more of such vapid nonsense to me. How- 
 ever, we'll gallop over the downs to the sea- 
 shore. You've no objection to ride fast?" 
 
 *' None in the least," was the reply. 
 
 " If you had, I should soon distance you ; 
 for I dote upon racing with my greyhounds 
 there. You shall see the fleet fellows out- 
 strip the wind. I love to see them fly along. 
 Then how my horse tries to beat them in 
 their matchless speed I Every muscle is 
 strained to cracking. He throws back his 
 ears, and sweeps the ground like a chased 
 hare ; I cheer him in his exertions. His veins 
 full of fire, and swelled as the fibres on a 
 vine-leaf, on we go in our chase of fun and 
 glee, merry as a set of madcaps, as we are," 
 
 N 2
 
 268 THE STAGE COACH, 
 
 said Miss Agnes, flushed with the excitement 
 she felt at her own description. 
 
 The horse was now brought to the door, 
 and no sooner saw his mistress than, giving 
 a plunge forward, he neighed a loud recog- 
 nition. 
 
 " You see what it is to be a favourite of 
 mine," said Miss M^Caire, smoothing the 
 arched neck of her pleased horse, and spring- 
 ing lightly into the saddle. 
 
 " That it is an enviable condition," replied 
 Mr. Catonder, mounting his steed, and at one 
 bound was at the side of the lady. 
 
 A small silver whistle was suspended round 
 the neck of Miss Agnes : placing it to her 
 lips, she blew a long shrill summons. It was 
 answered by a leash of large superb grey- 
 hounds rushing towards them, which jumped 
 to the saddle-bow, and screamed with delight 
 when they arrived at the place where their 
 mistress waited for them. Then they ran 
 some distance before, and stood with pricked
 
 OR THE ROAD OF LIFE. 269 
 
 ears, as if inviting the usual course of a joy- 
 ful bloodless sport. It was the only one 
 they were permitted to have; for no living 
 creature was ever injured, or allowed to be, 
 by Miss M'Caire. 'Tis said the birds even 
 knew that they were free from danger when 
 near her, and built their nests in the lux- 
 uriant ivy which crept about her bedroom 
 casement, feeding without fear from her 
 hands. Her gold fish would frisk about, and 
 allow her fingers to caress them in the globe, 
 when she dropped in fresh moss and grass, 
 as was her daily custom. All things loved 
 her, as well they might ; for her kindness of 
 heart was only equalled by her acts of good- 
 ness and charity. 
 
 Few have had so many blessings showered 
 upon their heads as Miss Agnes. From 
 childhood her name was never mentioned 
 scarcely but with '* Heaven save from harm, 
 and watch over the good lady !" 
 
 It is impossible to say which appeared
 
 270 THE STAGE COACH, 
 
 most anxious for the run — Miss Agnes, the 
 horse, or the greyhounds. 
 
 " See how the creatures long for me to 
 start !" said she, as the horse fretted and pulled 
 upon her tightened reins. 
 
 " And you are equally desirous to obey 
 their wishes, if I'm not mistaken," rejoined 
 Mr. Catonder. 
 
 " I admit most readily that I am, call me 
 childish or not. So here's for Hastings' Cliff, 
 and remember I stop not till there, my cava- 
 lier." 
 
 Her horse reared upon his haunches, and 
 jumped high into the air as the curbing-rein 
 was slackened. The hounds gave a short cry 
 of delight, and, to a loud cheerful " Away ! " 
 from their mistress, on went the whole at a 
 merry pace. With the speed of light they 
 flew over the turf; hill and dale, slope and 
 level, were all the same to them. Now and 
 then a merry laugh was carried back upon the 
 breeze, as it burst from the lips of the light-
 
 OR THE ROAD OF LIFE. 271 
 
 hearted lady, which was all the sound that 
 was heard in that rapid ride, save the heavy 
 beating of the horses' feet upon the green- 
 sward. 
 
 " She is as wild as an unhooded hawk ; 
 but then how beautiful she is !" thought Mr. 
 Catonder, as he rode a little way behind. 
 And, in truth, the manner in which she ma- 
 naged her horse Avas sufficient to win the 
 heart of a fox-hunter. Erect she sat upon 
 the saddle, yielding gracefully to the motion 
 as the animal took his long and fast strides. 
 Her elbows were close to her small waist, and 
 the bridle-hand bent towards the pummel. 
 Straight as an arrow she kept the course, and 
 no fault could be seen in her matchless riding 
 — a queen of beauty upon horseback. 
 
 Now they neared a wide brook. Poising 
 her light whip, and checking the horse's speed 
 slightly, they bounded across it with the ease 
 and quickness of thought. 
 
 Whether Mr. Catonder's eyes were so bent
 
 272 THE STAGE COACH, 
 
 upon his fair companion as she charged the 
 leap, or whether his horse balked the jump, 
 was never known; but that he was thrown 
 heavily, many yards over his horse's head, is 
 quite certain. Miss M'Caire pulled up sud- 
 denly, and, suppressing a rising laugh at the 
 fallen horseman, returned to inquire if any 
 serious effects had resulted from his fall. 
 
 " Nothing of consequence," replied Mr. Ca- 
 tonder, rising very pale from the shake. 
 
 " You look blanched with the tumble. 
 How did it happen ?" asked Miss Agnes, now 
 laughing heartily at the mishap. 
 
 He was, however, too much chagrined to 
 answer ; his lip was between his teeth, and a 
 frown bent his brow over his eyes. It may 
 appear to some a trifling circumstance ; but a 
 fall in the presence of a lady makes a man feel 
 so ridiculous, that the temporary annoyance 
 can hardly be exceeded : this, too, before one 
 in whose estimation he wished to stand super- 
 latively well at this time was peculiarly un-
 
 OR THE ROAD OF LIFE. 273 
 
 fortunate and irritating to Mr. Catonder. He 
 mounted again, and, with rather an assumed 
 good-humour than real, said — 
 
 " I'm the unluckiest fellow living. How- 
 ever, let us proceed in the gallop." 
 
 " No, I thank you. Since it pleased you 
 to stop without my consent, or indeed your 
 own, we'll now proceed leisurely to the Cliff, 
 which is, you see, close to us," rejoined Miss 
 Agnes, laughing so that it was impossible for 
 her to continue the gallop, if desired. " What 
 a singular position that you chose just now !" 
 continued she, chafing him more severely 
 than she was aware of. " Oh, thou Nimrod ! 
 where is thy wonted skill ? For me to lead 
 and throw thee ! Well may I say, what a 
 falling off was there ! " And then she laughed 
 again till the tears stood in her eyes. 
 
 Mr. Catonder tried to join in the merri- 
 ment of Miss M'Caire ; but it was an attempt 
 as awkward as his fall. 
 
 They proceeded slowly to the verge of the 
 
 N 5
 
 274 THE STAGE COACH, 
 
 towering heights, bounding the lashing waves, 
 and dismounting, sat upon the turf to rest 
 themselves. Miss Agnes still alluding to the 
 accident with hints and jokes, Mr. Catonder 
 still vexed, and in great ill-humour. 
 
 The mist which hung gloomily upon the 
 boundless waters now began to roll away, and 
 the bright clear sun broke from his cloudy 
 curtain upon earth and sea, rendering dull 
 Nature in a moment brilliant and cheerful. 
 The gull wheeled in lofty flight its graceful 
 circles over the deep blue ocean, now dip- 
 ping, and then rising with a wild scream of 
 delight to shake the salt drops from its snowy 
 breast ; the curlew skimmed with rapid wing 
 his restless course, hovering over a swelling 
 wave to snatch occasionally his precarious 
 fare ; the bleached sails of a ship were just 
 visible in the horizon; and altogether the 
 attractive scene riveted the attention of Miss 
 M'Caire, and changed her bantering and mirth 
 into thoughtful admiration.
 
 OR THE ROAD OF LIFE. 275 
 
 She was sitting in a leaning posture, with 
 one arm round the neck of a favoured hound, 
 the other holding the rein of the horse, who 
 was cropping the short herbage. Her large 
 dark eyes were bent upon the vessel fading 
 from the view far at sea, when she felt a hand 
 pressed slightly, and a few soft words whis- 
 pered in her ears with faltering tone, that 
 sent the crimson blood into her cheeks. It 
 was a triumphant moment for Frederick Ca- 
 tonder. No answer came from the lady ; but 
 from her countenance he saw that his success 
 was certain — that he was an accepted lover ; 
 and he concluded in brief raptures by thank- 
 ing her for the silent granting of his suit. 
 
 Did I say concluded ? I believe after this 
 a waist was clasped, and upon a pair of ruby 
 lips a first, long, clinging kiss was printed, 
 yielded without reluctance or affected coy- 
 ness. 
 
 For many minutes not a word was spoken. 
 At length Miss M^Caire sprang upon her
 
 276 THE STAGE COACH, 
 
 feet and said — " Now, Frederick, we'll re- 
 turn." 
 
 How pleasing was that familiar name to 
 Mr. Catonder ! He looked his delight, and 
 said — " What can I do or say to prove the 
 sincerity of my affection ?" 
 
 " Words are mere empty sounds, changed 
 and forgotten in a succeeding breath. This 
 is not the age of chivalry ; brave knights no 
 longer break lances or their necks for smiles, 
 scarfs, and roses ; therefore neither vows nor 
 deeds are required," rejoined Miss Agnes. 
 
 " I wish from my heart that an action 
 could be done, in order to show that my pro- 
 testation is not the too common one of mere 
 form," replied Mr. Catonder, warmly. 
 
 " Perhaps another leap would not be ob- 
 jectionable, if I wished it," said Miss M^Caire, 
 with a sly look, as they turned their horses 
 towards home. 
 
 " The Demon's Footmark, if it will please 
 you,'^ replied he, with flashing eyes.
 
 OR THE ROAD OF LIFE. 277 
 
 Now this Demon's Footmark was a chasm 
 in the Cliff. It formed a close resemblance to 
 the mark of a foot of gigantic proportions, 
 doubtlessly occasioned by the continued beat- 
 ing of the sea at the base, which from time to 
 time had washed parts of the chalky substance 
 away. The top crumbling for want of support 
 had left this gaping cleft, which, from the pe- 
 culiarity of its shape, was thus so called. It 
 was about twenty-four feet in width, and 
 some four or five hundred in depth, scooped 
 out of the cliff. Miss Agnes, unthinking of 
 the way in which the feelings of Mr. Catonder 
 were irritated at the accident that befel him, 
 recurred to it in jest, as was her usual way in 
 all things. When he said that he would jump 
 the Demon's Footmark, which was within a 
 few yards of them. Miss M^Caire, not dream- 
 ing of the seriousness of the offer, laughed at 
 it, and said — 
 
 " Remember what happened half an hour 
 since. Be not too brave in such volunteer
 
 278 THE STAGE COACH, 
 
 boasts, or I shall challenge you to try another 
 puddle." 
 
 The words had scarcely passed her lips 
 when Mr. Catonder dashed the rowels into 
 his horse's flanks, and with furious speed flew 
 towards the fearful leap. With outstretched 
 neck the punished horse neared the edge — 
 was upon it — and seeing the awful depth, the 
 terrified creature hesitated, drew back upon 
 his haunches, but too late to avoid the jump 
 — he sprung from the ground, and fell with 
 his fore-legs upon the other side of the preci- 
 pice, his hind-ones hanging over the declivity. 
 Trying to recover himself, he scrambled upon 
 the verge, sending the earth and stones be- 
 neath with his struggles for life, which fell 
 heavily to the bottom. Sliding at every 
 plunge farther down, the horse at last reeled 
 like a balanced weight, and, for a moment 
 becoming still, the rider clutched the broad 
 leaves of a large dock-weed, just as the groan- 
 ing animal went backwards upon the rocks
 
 OR TllE ROAB OF LIFE. 279 
 
 beneath, with every bone broken and sinew 
 cracked. With one hand grasping the weed 
 was suspended the ill-fated horseman over 
 the terrific depth, the stems of a few green 
 weak leaves holding him between warm life 
 and inevitable death. 
 
 Frozen with horror, Miss M^Caire beheld 
 the frenzied action. Immoveable and breath- 
 less, she watched the desperate position of 
 both as they struggled upon the breaking 
 edge of the yawning precipice. Her hands 
 clasped together, with eyes starting from 
 their sockets, and ceaseless beating heart, she 
 watched the terrible exertions of the horse. 
 Upon seeing him launched beneath, and the 
 rider grasp the dock-weed growing upon the 
 brink, just within his reach, a scream of min- 
 gled terror and joy burst from her so loud 
 and shrill, that an old fisherman said that he 
 heard it a league at sea. In an instant she 
 rushed to assist him from the peril. Leaf by 
 leaf was cracking in his hand ; another in-
 
 280 THE STAGE COACH, 
 
 stant, and the last must have severed, whei\, 
 kneeling upon the extreme edge, the lady 
 caught the hand in hers as the remaining leaf 
 snapped in his fingers ; and thus locked to- 
 gether, hoth fell into the abyss, mangled, 
 shapeless, and bleeding corses. 
 
 In the dead of night, as the coast-guard 
 paces his solitary walk, his nerves tremble 
 and his blood is chilled as an unearthly 
 screech is borne upon the breeze. The fisher- 
 men, as they are spreading their nets, pause 
 and gaze in silence at each other as it sweeps 
 past them ; but 'tis never heard by any with- 
 out a prayer for the unhappy lovers of Hast- 
 ings' Cliff. 
 
 As Tom Short concluded his story, a slight 
 snore was heard from the neighbourhood of 
 John Hogg's pail. The attention of the 
 assembly being called to that quarter. Me- 
 lancholy Joey was discovered wrapped in the 
 arms of Death's half-brother — an exemplifi-
 
 OR THE ROAD OF LIFE. 281 
 
 cation of the ruling passion strong in sleep. 
 His lips held a pipe long since extinguished, 
 and continued to emit imaginary puffs of the 
 narcotic plant. Puff, puff, went the sleeper, 
 much to the amusement of one-eyed Jack, 
 who, pointing to his friend, said — " Mr. 
 Wirkem, sir, that's as nateral to him as 
 sucking to a cock-robin." 
 
 The President smiled at Jack's simile, and, 
 rising from his chair, took leave of his boon 
 companions, and they parted for the night.
 
 282 
 
 CHAPTER XII. 
 
 TODDY, THE POSTBOY. 
 
 It was within a short half-hour of the time 
 fixed for the assembling of the club that 
 John Hogg's powers of creating a blaze were 
 taxed to the utmost of their capacity. Kneel- 
 ing before the wide grate, he gently blew the 
 newly-lighted fuel, and carefully insinuated 
 between the bars chips of dry wood and little 
 tempting lumps of coal. But all these stren- 
 uous endeavours appeared fruitless. The ob- 
 stinate smoke curled any where and every 
 where except up the chimney ; and no sooner 
 did a corner evince a decided symptom of 
 spreading its genial germs of heat, than the 
 deceptive hope was smothered by an extin- 
 guishing gust from the opposing wind above,
 
 OR THE ROAD OF LIFE. 283 
 
 below, around, driving its wintry breath 
 through each cranny of the old house, and 
 making every casement rattle as it passed. 
 
 " Well, if this ain't enough to give a feller 
 a fit o' the uglies, I should like to know what 
 is !" soliloquized one-eyed Jack, surveying, 
 with a look of hopeless despair, the expiring 
 sparks in the charred and partly scorched 
 embers. 
 
 Again and again he tried ; and just as there 
 was a more than ordinarily plausible pretext 
 for flattering his hopes with success, the door 
 of the apartment was flung suddenly back 
 upon its hinges, and as suddenly out went 
 the fire, from the counteracting current. 
 
 With wrath portrayed in every contracted 
 muscle of his features, John Hogg arose from 
 his devotional attitude, and, with the amiable 
 expression of a bull-dog with his tail in a 
 vice, turned to learn the occasion of his dis- 
 comfiture. 
 
 As yet the chandelier was not lit, and the
 
 284 THE STAGE COACH 
 
 only ray of light in the room proceeded from one 
 solitary candle in the neck of a broken bottle, 
 flaring on the table. By its doubtful aid, 
 something was seen looming through the 
 murky darkness; but, notwithstanding Jack 
 strained his eyes, and peeped and peered to 
 learn the nature of the comer, he was in- 
 capable of accomplishing the design. 
 
 " Now then, my spicy kid !" at length said 
 he, "you move like a stack o' chimneys after 
 a bricklayer. Who the devil may you be ?" 
 
 " Here's a go ! ha ! ha ! ha ! Boil us up a 
 gallop ! ha ! ha ! ha !" and the author of these 
 unconnected sentences continued to give vent 
 to his mirth, until its mockery was rung from 
 every quarter of the building. 
 
 " What, Toddy !" exclaimed John Hogg, with 
 serious surprise, and striding towards the party 
 addressed ; " is that you, old heart of oak V 
 
 " Who should it be, if it 'tisn't me ?" was 
 the reply, interrogatively; and without fur- 
 ther observation, a hearty grasp of hands was
 
 OR THE ROAD OF LIFE. 285 
 
 exchanged between one-eyed Jack and the 
 stranger, who continued to laugh without 
 intermission, although there was no apparent 
 cause for the roar that echoed far and wide. 
 
 *' Who should it be but me ?" repeated he, 
 and again he laughed long and loudly. 
 
 " Stop a bit," said Jack ; " I can't laugh in 
 the dark. Just lift the line off that nail there," 
 continued he, pointing to the one which sup- 
 ported the hoop, " and I'll make a flare-up." 
 
 With alacrity Jack's directions were obey- 
 ed, and in a brief period every candle was 
 sending forth a cheerful blaze, and the chande- 
 lier was again hoisted to its wonted position. 
 
 " Now, Toddy," said John Hogg, survey- 
 ing the stranger from toe to crown, " I can 
 see your ugly mug !" 
 
 The individual addressed as " Toddy" was 
 a little, square-built, sturdy-looking fellow, 
 who might probably have eaten plum-pud- 
 ding on fifty successive Christmas-days from 
 the commencement of his tour throuo:h life 
 
 o
 
 286 THE STAGE COACH, 
 
 up to the present time. Every distinctive 
 feature of and about his person turned up. 
 From being much shorter than the generality 
 of his species, his eyes invariably turned up. 
 His nose was of the order celestial, and turned 
 up naturally. His chin turned up towards 
 his nose, which it approached in almost Sia- 
 mese twin-like affinity. His broad-brimmed 
 white hat turned up both before and behind ; 
 the cuffs of a long-skirted drab coat turned 
 up; the superfluously long toes of his top 
 boots turned up ; and even a pair of anti- 
 quated spurs, which were buckled on his heels 
 — alas ! now only for ornament — turned up 
 their tormenting rowels from terra firma. 
 
 Round the throat and cleanly - shaved 
 double chin of this individual a white cravat 
 was twisted with scrupulous care, and a large 
 brooch, of questionable value, occupied the 
 centre of a very natty tie. His countenance 
 bore the expression of great good-humour, 
 and his complexion that of ruddy health.
 
 OR THE ROAD OF LIFE. 287 
 
 mingled with a few purple spots, pleasantly 
 diversified here and there, giving the ob- 
 server an idea that Toddy was not a member 
 of the Temperance Society. 
 
 " And so you found us out, eh ?" said Jack, 
 again bestirring himself to obtain the raising 
 of a fire in the stove. 
 
 " Found ye out !" repeated Toddy, diving 
 both hands into his breeches-pockets, and 
 stretching his legs with an air of satisfaction. 
 " Who should find ye out, if I didn't ?" con- 
 tinued he. 
 
 " But do you know," returned Jack, with 
 a little hesitation and embarrassment, " I 
 
 almost fear " and then he stopped to puff 
 
 an expiring spark into fresh life. 
 
 " Fear what ?" asked Toddy. 
 
 " That you're not what's called qualified 
 for a member in this free-and-easy," replied 
 Jack,, with reluctance. 
 
 " Ain't I, though?" rejoined Toddy, with 
 a wink. " If I ain't feathered for this here
 
 288 THE STAGE COACH, 
 
 company, I should like to know who is !" 
 continued he. 
 
 " How?" briefly inquired Jack, stopping 
 in the act of supplying fresh fuel to the now 
 blazing fire. 
 
 " Can't I sing, tell tantariddles, smoke, and 
 drink like blue-blazes ? " returned Toddy, 
 with confidence. " And if them accomplish- 
 ments," resumed he, " won't get a chap into 
 the best, tip-top, slap-up company in this 
 world, I should like to know what '11 get him 
 in the world to come ?" 
 
 " That's all right enough," rejoined Jack, 
 in a tone conciliatory; " but something 
 more's wanted here." 
 
 " And what's the addition ?" asked Toddy. 
 
 " You must have been a coachman," re- 
 plied Jack, " and chalked oif the road by 
 the rail." 
 
 " And ain't I been chalked off the road 
 by the rail ?" said Toddy, with asperity in the 
 query.
 
 OR THE ROAD OF LIFE. 289 
 
 *' To be sure you have," returned Jack, 
 " and I'm uncommon sorry for it. But then. 
 Toddy," contmued Jack, in a persuasive voice, 
 " that's only half the dodge." 
 
 " I don't see that," replied Toddy. " If I 
 an't rode and drove the first north and east 
 stage from the Old George Inn, Hounslow, for 
 five an' thirty year, I should like to know who 
 has !" continued he. 
 
 " Not as coachman ?" rejoined Jack. 
 
 " But as postboy I have," added Toddy. 
 
 " Ay, there's where it is, my tulip," returned 
 Jack, conclusively. " Post boy and coach ma7i 
 are not grafts from the same tree ; and there 
 you're floored, not being a man, Toddy." 
 
 '^ Professionally I'm a boy," said Toddy, 
 " always have been a boy, and always shall be 
 a boy ; but" — and here the speaker issued a 
 somewhat savage laugh — " if there's any gen- 
 tleman, present or absent, wot doubts my being 
 a man out of the shop meaning, I should like 
 for him just to say so ;" and, without further 
 
 VOL. I. O
 
 290 THE STAGE COACH, 
 
 observation, he drew his drab coat from his 
 shoulders, and flung it across the back of a 
 chair. 
 
 " Well !" exclaimed Jack, admiringly, and 
 regarding the pugnacious Toddy with the plea- 
 sure of an enthusiastic limner's survey of a 
 Raphael, '' you're a little game cock, an' it 
 were worse than a pity to spoil your humour 
 with disappointment ; so we'll have a round or 
 two just for love and old acquaintance sake." 
 
 " Very good," shortly returned Toddy, dis- 
 possessing himself of his hat and a short, dark, 
 blue jacket. 
 
 Jack dragged the table from its usual place, 
 and, after stowing away a few chairs, the floor 
 Avas cleared for action. 
 
 " Now," said Jack, smiling, and putting 
 himself in a fighting posture, offensive and 
 defensive, " pepper away. Toddy." 
 
 Squaring with pugilistic science. Toddy 
 skipped round and about his wary opponent, 
 who resembled a cat guarding against the
 
 OR THE ROAD OF LIFE. 291 
 
 attack of a yapping cur. Shortly upon his 
 heel Jack turned to face his nimble combatant, 
 and warded off each blow, as it was aimed at 
 various parts of his corjms delicti with ad- 
 mirable skill, but never offering to return the 
 compliment. After some ineffectual attempts 
 on the part of Toddy to get a blow planted, 
 except in the thin, unresisting air, the first 
 stroke of a clock from a neighbouring church 
 fell upon Jack's ear, announcing that the hour 
 for the meeting of the club had arrived. 
 
 " I must settle this business now," said he, 
 " right away," and, smiling as he spoke, he 
 drew his dexter fist back, and, sending it out 
 after the fashion of a horse's kick, and with 
 little less velocity, struck poor Toddy's turned- 
 up nasal organ flat to his chin, rolling him 
 over backwards on the floor. 
 
 Precisely at this moment, even in the nick 
 of time, Mr. Wirkem entered, closely followed 
 by the major part of his companions; and, to 
 their astonishment, scarcely had the President 
 
 o £
 
 292 THE STAGE COACH, 
 
 advanced a foot within the room, when Toddy 
 w^as flung at his feet, bleeding, stunned, and 
 vanquished. 
 
 Amazed at this unlooked-for proceeding, 
 Mr. Wirkem continued on the threshold of the 
 door, expressing his surprise by first directing 
 his eyes to the fallen Toddy at his feet, and 
 then casting them towards Jack for an expla- 
 nation. That individual, however, appeared 
 to be in no great hurry to afford one, for, as 
 soon as he had floored his adversary, and per- 
 ceived the witnesses of his prowess by, he 
 forthwith turned his attention to nursing the 
 fire, whistling " Jump, Jim Crow," as he drove 
 the poker between the bars, and by his manner 
 looked innocent of all participation in the 
 apparent bloody feud. 
 
 " Bless my stars and garters !" at length 
 ejaculated Mr. Wirkem, " what's all this about, 
 eh?" 
 
 Still Jack gave no reply, but busied himself 
 in heaping more fuel on the fire, making the
 
 OR THE ROAD OF LIFE. 293 
 
 flames lick in serpent-folds near a third of the 
 chimney's height. 
 
 " I say, you sir," said the President, sharply, 
 " what's all this about, I say ?" 
 
 " Only Mr. Wirkem, sir," replied Jack, in 
 the tone palliative, " only a little friendly 
 mill." 
 
 " Friendly mill !" repeated his patron, while 
 he and the assembled members of the club 
 gathered round the still motionless Toddy, 
 and minutely examined his upturned features 
 streaked with gore. " Friendly mill !" repeated 
 Mr. Wirkem, more seriously than that person's 
 voice ever saluted Jack's ear before, " why the 
 man's dead !" 
 
 " Oh, dear, no, Mr. Wirkem, sir ! " replied 
 Jack, joining the circle formed about the 
 prostrate Toddy. " Oh, dear, no, Mr. Wirkem, 
 sir, that's impossible," continued he : *' a chap 
 dies, I'm told, for want o' breath. Now I never 
 touched him in the wind ; not so much as a 
 little finger neared his bellows by a long shy."
 
 294 THE STAGE COACH, 
 
 " He's as stiff as a Yarmouth bloater," said 
 Bill Johnson, proceeding to lift the uncon- 
 scious Toddy from the ground. 
 
 " Stop a moment, sirs," returned Jack, " I'll 
 fig him in his senses again," and, clutching the 
 inanimate yictim by the back of his neck, he 
 raised him with the same ceremony as usually 
 is observed when a whelp is about to be ejected 
 from a second-floor window. " There !" con- 
 tinued he, dropping his burthen into the Presi- 
 dent's chair, and Toddy fell into it, much after 
 the fashion of a wet blanket, all of a heap. 
 
 " We'd better send for a 'pothecary," said 
 Tom Short, " he's cat's-meat, to a certainty." 
 
 '' Poo, poo, poo !" uttered Jack, impatiently, 
 *' give him a drop o' sum'at short, and he'll 
 come round in the quickest turn you ever see." 
 
 In an instant Mr. Wirkem produced the key 
 of the stores ; a bottle was uncorked, a glass 
 filled and quickly tendered to the spirit-loving 
 lips of Toddy. But now they declined their 
 functions and pleasureable offices.
 
 OR THE ROAD OF LIFE. 295 
 
 This passive declaration of " total absti- 
 nence" gravely altered the effect of Jack's 
 former confidence. 
 
 " Swaller it, can't ye !" hallooed he, squeez- 
 ing the edge of the glass into Toddy's com- 
 pressed lips ; but they evinced no inclination 
 to perform even the introduction to the task. 
 After many such ineffectual attempts, a colour 
 spread itself gradually over the countenance 
 of John Hogg, having the sombre shades of 
 thick water-gruel. At length, he retreated a 
 step or two, and, looking into the President's 
 face with something akin to fear developed, 
 said, " Mr. Wirkem, sir. Toddy's hashed, by 
 G— d !" 
 
 This announcement caused no little sensa- 
 tion among the party, one and all having suf- 
 ficient reason to give credence to its correct- 
 ness. Tom Short suggested that " the coroner 
 should at once be summonsed, as, without 
 unnecessary trouble, he could form an inquest 
 to sit upon him." At length, however, after
 
 ^96 THE STAGE COACH, 
 
 many suggestions from all, and each varying 
 from its fellow, their fears were greatly relieved 
 by the heaving of Toddy's bosom, as a 'preli- 
 minary to a decided grunt from the same 
 locality. 
 
 '^ He's comin' to hisself," whispered Jack, 
 rubbing both his knees with satisfaction. 
 "Won't he suck a drop in presently, that's 
 all !" continued he, holding the glass ready for 
 immediate use. 
 
 When several grunts had escaped from 
 Toddy's breast, he gradually opened his up- 
 turned eyes, and turned them vacantly and 
 heavily upon the bystanders, permitting them 
 to rest upon the last of them, which chance 
 decreed should be the person of one-eyed Jack. 
 A smile, a faint and sickly smile, passed, like 
 a sunbeam through a bilious December fog, 
 over the damaged features of poor Toddy, as 
 he recognized his late opponent in the fistic 
 art, and, motioning for the proffered glass to 
 be held nearer, he drank its contents to the
 
 OR THE ROAD OF LIFE. 297 
 
 last drop. Then, gently feeling the tip of his 
 nose, he lifted it as easily as the fractured 
 lid of a snuff-box, and, letting it fall again in 
 its new position, said, " Jack, if that wasn't 
 a wipe o' the mug, I should like to know wot 
 is." 
 
 " Ha, ha, ha ! " laughed Jack, " wasn't it a 
 swift un ?" 
 
 " Ay," coincided Toddy, " and so straight." 
 
 In a few minutes Toddy was himself again, 
 except the flattened cartilage of his nose, 
 which, to record the truth, was any thing but 
 detrimental to his beauty ; and Mr. Wirkem, 
 being made acquainted with the details of the 
 encounter, expressed it as his opinion that 
 " each man had done his duty." 
 
 " Now comes the question," observed the 
 President," whether this candidate, Mr. Toddy, 
 is to be admitted in this free an' easy? I 
 won't say that he's qualified within the strict 
 rules of our waybill ; for a boy's no more a 
 man than an old woman is. But the rest of
 
 298 THE STAGE COACH, 
 
 our mates '11 be here presently, and then we'll 
 settle the matter." 
 
 Scarcely had the old coachman done speak- 
 ing, when the clatter of feet was heard tramp- 
 ing up the yard, shortly followed by the entry 
 of the remaining members, Melancholy Joey 
 bringing up the rear. 
 
 " Here you are, my lads of wax !" exclaimed 
 Mr. Wirkem, with pleasure, exchanging salu- 
 tations with them as they entered. " Now 
 take your seats," continued he, occupying his 
 own ; " we've a little matter o' business to 
 arrange before we begin our jollity." 
 
 He then explained the affair which had 
 just taken place, with all its peculiarities, 
 and concluded his observations by saying : 
 " There's an exception to every rule — in 
 other words, however square a nag's tail may 
 be, there's certain to be an odd hackle or two 
 in it. Now, gentleman, I think Mr. Toddy 
 may pass as an odd hackle ; for, although not 
 a coachman, he's been a driver, and though, in
 
 OR THE ROAD OF LIFE. 299 
 
 a business sense, he's a boy, still, no one here 
 can doubt but that he's a man from toe to 
 heel. As to the second part of the qualifica- 
 tion, he's as much entitled to that claim as I 
 am," continued Mr. Wirkem, enthusiastically, 
 '' and I hope no one will raise the voice of 
 opposition to his being elected a member of 
 THE CHALKED-OFF COACHMAN'S FREE AN' 
 EASY." 
 
 " As far as I'm concerned," said the Vice- 
 president, getting on his legs as Mr. Wirkem 
 became reseated, " I shall second the motion, 
 and I'm proud of the opportunity." 
 
 " Does any gentleman propose an amend- 
 ment ?" inquired Mr. Wirkem. 
 
 " No, no, no," replied several voices. 
 
 "Then, Mr. Toddy," said the President, 
 ^vith an air of patronage, " I've the satisfac- 
 tion of informing you that you're elected, 
 nemo dissentient.'" 
 
 "And I'm very proud in becomin' a nemo 
 what-ever-you-may-call-it, " replied Toddy.
 
 300 THE STAGE COACH, 
 
 " And SO here's luck," continued he, draining 
 a glass prepared by the ready fingers of John 
 Hogg, and occupying a chair placed next to 
 Melancholy Joey, a little removed from the 
 table by Jack's superior tact and judgment. 
 
 " Now, sirs," said Toddy, somewhat prema- 
 turely, " I'll give ye a sentiment." 
 
 " Clap the muzzle on !" exclaimed Jack, 
 horrified at his friend's presumption, " you 
 mustn't lead off in that style." 
 
 " It's a rule here, Mr. Toddy," said the 
 President, correctingly, "to wait for a call, 
 and then never to refuse. Occasionally we 
 have a volunteer, but that's very seldom, and 
 then we always have a little notice of what's 
 coming. However, that you couldn't know 
 unless told, and therefore no blame's to be at- 
 tached for being before your time. Better be 
 always before than sometimes after. Now, 
 sir, we shall be happy to hear your sen- 
 timent." 
 
 ** I shall know better by-an'-by," replied
 
 OR THE ROAD OF LIFE. 301 
 
 Toddy, stirring up a second beaker of grog. 
 " But come, sirs, ' in our journey through life 
 may we live well on the road !' " 
 
 " With all my heart !" religiously respond- 
 ed Jack ; and each seemed to find an echo in 
 his heart as he drained his glass. 
 
 "What is it to be now?" said the Pre- 
 sident ; " a song or a yarn ?" 
 
 " Let's have a yarn," replied Dick Banbury. 
 
 " Then make your call, Tom Short," added 
 Mr. Wirkem. 
 
 " I will, sir," returned Tom, " so tip us one 
 of yours, Dick," said he, nodding to Banbury. 
 '^ I know you've seen a game or two." 
 
 " Ah !" sighed Dick, '* my whole life's been 
 a game, and a losing one." 
 
 " Then let's have a hand of it," said Mr. 
 Wirkem ; " we often gain by another's loss." 
 
 " I don't think I could do better," replied 
 Banbury, " than give a slip of my early days 
 — a chance upon which the balance of the 
 future hunof."
 
 302 THE STAGE COACH. 
 
 "Let's have it, by all means," rejoined the 
 President. 
 
 " You shall," returned Banbury. And he 
 thus began. 
 
 END OF VOL. I. 
 
 LONDON; 
 
 V. SHOBERIm JUN., 51, RUPERT STREET, H AYMARRET, 
 
 PRINTER TO H. R. H. PRINCE ALBERT.
 
 INTEEESTING SPORTING "WORKS. 
 
 JUST PUBLISHED BY 
 
 MR. COLBURN, 
 
 13, GREAT MARLBOROUGH STREET. 
 
 TO BE HAD OF ALL BOOKSELLERS. 
 
 HAl^DLEY CEOSS; 
 
 A SPORTING NOVEL. 
 By the Author of " Jorrocks' Jaunts and Jollities," 3 vols. 
 
 " We hope we have done enough (says the Quarterly Review, at the 
 close of its notice of this work) to bring Jorrocks fairly before the non- 
 sporting part of the public — the others will not need our recommenda- 
 tion. His historian, it must be obvious, is a writer of no common pro- 
 mise. The Author of ' Handley Cross' has a world of knowledge of life 
 and manners beyond what most of our modern novelists now in vogue 
 can pretend to, and a gentlemanlike tone and spirit perhaps even rarer 
 among them." — Quarterly Review. 
 
 II. 
 
 l^^IMEOD ABEOAD. 
 
 By C. J. APPERLEY, ESQ. 
 
 Author of " The Chase, The Tdrf, and The Road." 2 vols, small 8vo. 
 
 " Our sporting readers will welcome with delight this new production 
 of the popular author of ' The Chase, The Turf, and The Road.' In 
 these volumes the famous Nimrod, from whose sporting dicta there is 
 no appeal, carries the reader with him to enjoy every species of sport 
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 at home or to better purpose than in these volumes, while partaking of 
 the princely hospitalities of the late Duke of Orleans or the Prince of 
 Moskowa, or of a score of other sporting noblemen in all parts of the 
 civilized world." — New Monthly. 
 
 III. 
 
 THE OLD ENGLISH GEIS^TLEMAN; 
 
 Or, THE FIELDS AND THE WOODS. 
 
 A SPORTING NOVEL, 
 
 By JOHN MILLS, Esq., 
 
 Author of " The Stage Coach," &c., 3 Vols. 
 
 " The sportsman will hail this sporting novel with a hearty welcome. 
 Mr. Mills's racy and animated pictures of the various sports of the field, 
 by wood and water, are detailed with all the fervour of one fondly fami- 
 liar with them in practice." — Sporting Magazine. 
 
 " This attractive work (a novelty in literature) will find a place in 
 every sportsman's library. It is a sporting romance, full of lively and 
 entertaining sketches of rural life : while there is no sport pertaining to 
 the fields, the woods, or the flood, that has not its chapter, describing its 
 characteristic features, its appropriate incidents and peculiarities, in the 
 most vivid manner." — Naval and Military Gazette.
 
 2 INTERESTING SPORTING WORKS. 
 
 IV. 
 
 THE SPORTSMAl^ IN FRAIVTCE. 
 
 By FREDERICK TOLFREY, ESQ. 
 
 Cheap Edition, 2 vols, small 8vo. with Twelve Illustrations, 12s. bound. 
 " These volumes form the only work exclusively devoted to sporting 
 in France that we ever remember to have met with. They certainly 
 fulfil their mission, and give the reader a complete insight into every 
 description of sport offered by a country so accessible, and yet, compara- 
 tively speaking, so little hunted or shot over." — Morning Herald. 
 
 V. 
 
 SCEIS^ES AI^D SPOETS IN EOEEIGN 
 LANDS. 
 
 By major E. NAPIER, 46th Regt. 
 2 vols, small 8vo. v^rith Nineteen Illustrations, 21s. bound. 
 " Through the medium of these pages the sportsman in England may 
 enjoy his leisure by becoming acquainted with the proceedings of his 
 brother sportsmen abroad, in climes where the game sought, instead of 
 being confined to hare, pheasant, partridge, and similar timid denizens 
 of our stubbles and coverts, comprises tigers, wolves, bears, jackals, buf- 
 faloes, elks, and other dangerous inhabitants of the tropical wilderness." 
 —Age. 
 
 VI. 
 
 SPOETING EXCUESIONS IN THE EOOKY 
 MOUNTAINS. 
 
 By J. K. TOWNSHEND, ESQ. 
 
 2 vols, post 8vo. with Illustrations. 
 " Mr. Townshend supplies in these volumes a fund of very curious 
 and entertaining matter. There is much variety and information of a 
 practical kind in the book, and it will be especially acceptable to natu- 
 ralists on account of the descriptions of the animals with which the 
 regions traversed by the writer abound." — Atlas. 
 
 POPULAR WORKS OF FICTION, 
 
 TO BE HAD AT ALL THE LIBRARIES. 
 I. 
 
 THE BARNABYS IN AMERICA. 
 
 Being the Sequel of " The Adventures of The Widow Barnaby." 
 By Mrs. TROLLOPE. 3 vols, with Illustrations by Phiz. 
 
 MARMADUKE WYVIL; 
 
 Or, THE MAID'S REVENGE. An Historical Romance. 
 
 By H. W. Herbert, Esq., Author of " Oliver Cromwell," 3 vols. 
 
 III. 
 
 THE LOST SHIP; 
 
 A ROMANCE OF THE OCEAN. 
 By the Author of " Cavendish," " The Flying Dutchman," &c. 3 vols.