UNIVERSITY OF ILLINOIS i . Y AT URBANA-i i BOOKS I'm , (\S The person charging this material is re- sponsible for its return to the library from which it was withdrawn on or before the Latest Date stamped below. Theft, mutilation, and underlining of books are reasons for disciplinary action and may result in dismissal from the University. .... _ To renew call Telephone Cen^t^r7333-8400 UNIVERSITY OF ILLINOIS LIBRAJ^Y^^ATnj^^XNA-CHAMPAIGN Digitized by the Internet Archive in 2017 with funding from University of Illinois Urbana-Champaign Alternates https://archive.org/details/usagesofbestsociOOstev THE USAGES OF THE Best Society A COMPLETE MANUAL OF SOCIAL ETIQUETTE. BY FRANCES STEVENS, Author of ‘’Artistic Furnishing,’ etc. NEW YORK: A. L. BURT, PUBLISHER. COPYRIGHT 1884 BY A. L. BURT. sf^?ci PREFACE. Society, like any other complex organization, must ad- opt a code of rules for its proper management and mainte- nance, and these laws must find their authority in their per- fection of adaptability for attaining certain ends. The laws of etiquette, though they may sometimes appear trivial, all have a firm basis in some consideration of good taste, de- cency, modesty or common sense; and every refinement of ceremony which fashionable society can invent tends to increase the security and stability of the social system. Whatever enjoyment we obtain from society, from that ag- glomeration of morning calls, breakfasts, dinner parties, luncheons, evening entertainments, prolonged visits, rides, drives, operas, theaters, and all which go to make up the business of gay life, and some portion of which enters into all life; whatever enjoyment we obtain from our daily inter- course with others, is possible only through our obedience to the laws of that etiquette which governs the whole ma- chinery, keeps every cog and wheel in place, at its own work, which prevents jostling, and carries all things along comfortably to their consummation. Instead then of regarding the understanding of these laws as a trivial thing, we should rather look to see if observance of them will not lead the way to a still higher level of life and manners. For we may rest assured that etiquette, placing every individual, as it does, on the plane of sovereignty, never forgetting his rights and dignities, giving him his own place, and keeping others out of it, regarding always, as it will be found to do. 4 PREFACE. the sensitiveness of the most sensitive, destroying the ago- ny of bashfulness, controlling the insolence of audacity, re- pressing the rapacity of selfishness, has something to do with morality, and is an expression of the best that civiliza- tion has yet accomplished. There are fundamental principles of good breeding which all persons must observe in their intercourse with their fel- low-beings, or be cut off as entirely from such intercourse as if they existed on another planet. And besides, there are details in the arrangement of certain social occasions, as weddings, dinners, receptions, teas, etc., etc, which give the desired air of fashionable righteousness, without which, in many people, the pleasure of social communion would be but legendary. Most of our social laws are copied after those of the English, but the democratic character of our institutions has naturally largely modified them. We allow precedence to but two classes: — to women and the aged — or at least we do in theory; but considerations of station, cul- ture, and, we are sorry to say, even wealth are largely rec- ognized. Nothing is given in the following pages that has not the sanction of observance by the best society, best not merely in the sense of the most fashionable, but the most cultivated the most natural, and the most worthy of imitation. We shall go back to the alphabet of the subject, and if you, dear reader, are annoyed by the detailed description of customs, you and your friends have observed for ages, remember that these pages have been written for less perfect humanity, and be glad with the pharisaical rejoicing, “ that you are not as they are.” F. S. New York, 1884. CONTENTS. CHAPTER I. PAGE. Introductions and Salutations, . 7 CHAPTER II. Visiting Cards and Visiting, 13 CHAPTER III. Strangers and New-comers, 23 CHAPTER IV. Engagements and Weddings, 28 CHAPTER V. Receptions and Debuts 50 CHAPTER VI. Private Balls and Germans, 61 i CHAPTER VII. Fancy Dress and Masquerade Balls, with a few suggestions for costumes, 75 CHAPTER VIII. Opera and Theater Parties, 85 CHAPTER IX. Dining and Dinner Giving, 90 CHAPTER X. Table Decorations and Table Etiquette, . . 100 6 CONTENTS, PAGE. CHAPTER XL Luncheons, Breakfasts and Teas, 113 CHAPTER XIL The Art of Entertaining, and Entertaining ON A Small Scale, 124 CHAPTER XIIL Letter Writing and Written Invitations, . . 136 CHAPTER XIV. Musical “At Homes" and Garden Parties, . 142 CHAPTER XV. Traveling Manners, 147 CHAPTER XVL Etiquette of Mourning, 151 CHAPTER XVIL Wedding and Birthday Anniversaries, with sug- gestions concerning presents for all occasions, 156 CHAPTER XVIIL New Years Day Receptions, , . 163 CHAPTER XIX. Driving and Riding, 166 CHAPTER XX. Important General Considerations — Chape- rons, 170 CHAPTER XXL Brief Hints for Every Day Use 179 CHAPTER I. INTRODUCTIONS AND SALUTATIONS. One who speaks with authority says “ that per- sons who have been born and reared in the best society never make a hasty presentation or intro- duction/' In introducing the individuals, it should be first ascertained, if possible, whether the intro- duction be mutually agreeable;* a gentleman should not be introduced to a lady unless her permission has been previously obtained. The proper form of introduction is to present the gen- tleman to the lady, the single lady to the mar- ried lady, the inferior in social standing to the superior, the unknown to fame to the famous, or the younger to the elder. In introducing, you say: Mrs. A., allow me to introduce to you Mr B. Mr. B., Mrs. A.” When the difference in social standing between two ladies introduced is a debatable one, say, Mrs. L., this is Mrs. M. Mrs. M.. Mrs. L.” Always give a gentleman his appropriate title, THE USAGES OF for instance: the Rev. Mr. Smith, the Rev. Dr. Jones, Governor Brown, of Texas, Mr. Raphael, the artist, Mr. Shakespeare, the author of Hamlet. If he be a member of Congress, introduce him as the Honorable. If several persons are to be introduced to one individual, mention first the name of the one person, and then name the others in succession. A slight bow is all that courtesy demands as an acknowledgment to an introduction, hand-shak- ing having almost fallen into disuse, although two ladies may extend hands, and so al^o may gentlemen. If the married lady be glad to know the gentle- man presented she says so, with frankness and cordiality; the young lady simply bows and smiles. If there be any pleasure expressed, it is by thi gentleman, who seldom fails to say some com- plimentary thing. A married lady should al- ways extend her han^ and express a cordial v/el- come to the stranger brought to her home by her husband, or by a friend. At receptions, the hostess, unless requested, does not introduce her guests. In these days when society opens wide its doors, not only to the select few, but to the very many, the onus of doing the agreeable to a room full of people is felt by a hostess to be somewhat of a tax upon her powers, and she shrinks from making intro- ductions and prefers to allow fhe guests to amuse each other. Introductions should be con^ sidered wholly unnecessary to a pleasant conver- sation. Every person should feel that he is^ at THE BEST SOCIETY. 9 least for the time being, upon a social equality with every guest present. A lady or gentleman must conduct himself or herself, while remaining in the house, as if there were no more exalted society than that which is present. To converse above the comprehension of a temporary com- panion is an unpardonable rudeness, and to convey to a fellow guest the impression that surround- ings superior to the present are the only ones with which the speaker is familiar, is incontro- vertable testimony to the contrary. If pol- ished people were his only customary soci- ety, unpleasant comparisons would be im- possible to his tongue. Genuine excellence is never compelled to arrest or explain itself, if it happens to be thrown among a people with less polished formalities of manner. A nobility of sentiment compels its possessors to be agreeable to simpler folk whom they meet, and an intro- duction to an inferior in breeding and position, will never be met with other than a kindly ac- knowledgment. If they meet again, however, no recognition follows. At dinners, dances, etc., in- troductions are a social necessity, although it is well for young ladies to dance only with gentle- men of their own party, or with those they have previously known, it is the lady’s privilege to determine whether she will recognize a gentle- man to whom she has been thus introduced. If while walking with a friend, you stop for a moment, to speak with another, the two are not introduced, but when you separate, the friend who accompanies you gives a parting salutation. After an introduction, it is the privilege of the 10 THE USAGES OF lady to determine whether she will recognize a gentleman, and he is bound to return her bow. It is not enough that he touch his hat — it should be lifted from his - head. Between intimate friends it is immaterial who bows first, the lady or gentlemen. The lady may be distant or cor- dial in her salutation, and the gentleman must be responsive to her manner. It is said that ^‘you should never speak to an acquaintance without a smile in your eyes,” but, as a- rule, for a lady upon the street, her smiles are few and her bows formal, but not discourte- ous. The body is not bent in bowing, the in- clination of the head is all that is necessary. The fashion of bowing, says an English writer, has undergone great changes since the days of the Georges. Now, the body must not be bent, only the head inclined, cordially or otherwise, according to circumstances; genuflections are relegated to dancing and posture masters, whose palmy days are now a thing of the past. In the time of the merrie ” monarch, the plumed and jeweled hat was doffed with a sweeping grace to the very ground and there held until thedady so saluted had passed or retired; now the hat is sim- ply raised in recognition of a fair acquaintance, who must give the initiative by a slight inclina- tion of the head, and we are informed by an aris- tocratic authority in matters of etiquette that ^‘a gentleman returning the bow of a lady with whom he is slightly acquainted would do so with a deferential air, but if there were an intimacy, he would raise his hat with greater freedom of action, and considerable higher.” THE BEST SOCIETY, n In France, it is the gentleman who bows first, and there too, the bow is the signal of recogni- tion between members of the sterner sex; in England, a nod suffices. A lady’s obeisance to royalty fifty years ago, was an acrobatic feat. The knees were bent and the body slowly brought forward in graceful and reverent guise, the equilibrium being recovered by a backward movement, very difficult to perform with ease. But the monarchy waxes old, and republican manners, assertive of independence, make high- flown courtesy ridiculous; now a courtesy to roy- alty is merely a deep dip, a sudden collapse as if on springs, and as sudden a reattainment of the perpendicular. A well-bred woman will never be capricious in her public recognitions of gentlemen, nor will she be demonstrative. Self-respect will prevent her from expressing any private sentiments of dislike in her public greetings, although she may refuse to recognize an acquaintance for good and sufficient reasons. Her greetings will be fully polite, or they will not be given at all. She will not insult an acquaintance by a frigid salutation, which may be observed by strangers. A gentleman may ask a lady’s permission to turn and accompany her, if he is a particular friend of her family, but he must not stand still in the street to converse with her. A gentleman walking with a lady touches his hat and bows to whomsoever she salutes in pass- ing. A gentleman always lifts his hat when offering a service to a strange lady, or when asking par- 12 THE USAGES OE don for some heedlessness. She bows her ac- knowledgment, but does not speak. As it is not convenient for a gentleman when driving to lift his hat, etiquette permits a bow, with which the lady must be satisfied. If riding, he may lift his hat or touch it with his whip. When a gentleman enters a drawing-room for a short call, he always carries his hat leaving his overshoes, overcoat aad umbrella in the hall, if it be winter time. The lady, unless an invalid or advanced in years, rises to receive him, and extends her hand or not as she chooses; if she does so, the gentleman does not remove his glove, as of old. At his departure, the lady bows her adieux, but must not again extend her hand. A lady does not accompany a gentleman to the door of the parlor unless he be an elderly per- son, or some one whom she particularly desires to honor. THE BEST SOCIETY, 13 CHAPTER II. VISITING CARDS AND VISITING. The texture of the card should be fine, and its engraving in plain script; written or printed cards are not used, the cost of engraving being trifling. Colored or glazed cards and the ornamentation sometimes seen, is in the worst possible taste. Only the recently-married have their names engraved on one card; this is of the largest size. Somewhat smaller is the one for the married la- dy, and smaller still the one for a gentleman. A young lady during her first season in society has her name engraved on her mother’s card; if the mother is not living, the daughter’s name is printed beneath that of her father on the usual lady's visiting card, but not on the smaller cards used by gentlemen. A brother and sister, if liv- ing alone, would have their names on the same cards. The name is in the center of the card, the ad- dress in the lower right-hand corner, the recep- tion day on the left hand-corner, as: Mrs. James Dash. Thursdays. 71.52 Fifth Avenue, or. 14 THE USAGES OF M/'S. Dash. Miss (or Misses) Dash. 7152 Fifth Avenue. For a gentleman: Mr. Richard Dash. Union Club. 29 E. 191.S'/ Street. The prefix ‘^Mr.” must always be used, or the professional or military title, as: General Dash. Rev. Charles Dash. Charles Dash, M. D. A widow may use either her own Christian name upon her card, or retain that of her husband. In New York society, etiquette allows each lady to decide this matter for herself, although in London it is not permissable for a lady to use other than her own Christian name. No lady ever suggests by^her card her husband’s occupa- tion, his civil or ecclesiastical rank or military position. If both names are engraved upon the same card, the following is the proper form: Ge/i. and Mrs. Dash. Rev. and Mrs. Dash. but never Mrs. Gen. Dash. THE BEST SOCIETY, 15 A lady may be mentioned as Mrs. Judge Dash, but she herself never assumes her husband’s title. The custom of turning down the corners of cards is dying out. A plain card not turned down is the accepted style for every purpose, but for the benefit of very young ladies, who think it one of the pleasures of life to pinch down the corners ^ of a card, the following rules may be of value: The right-hand corner turned down denotes a call in person. The left-hand lower corner, sim- ilarly mutilated, congratulation. The left-hand lower corner, condolence. Letters of introduction are not now so fre- quently used as formerly, the acquaintance to be formed between strangers being arranged by card. The person introducing writes upon the upper half at the left-hand corner of his or her own visiting card: Introducing Mrs. Carlos Dash. This card, with that of the lady introduced, is enclosed in an envelope, and either sent by post or messenger. The lady receiving the two cards must call in person, or if this be impossible some member of her family must call, or a letter be sent to explain the omission. A card of intro- duction requires especial and immediate atten- tion. When a lady announces upon her card that she is at home upon a certain day in the week to receive her friends, it is more consider- ate on their part to call upon that day than at other times. Among intimate friends this strict i6 THE USAGES OF regard is not paid to times and seasons; it would indeed be distressing if informal calls were not allowable, if one could not run in of a morning in plain walking costume and indulge in a little gossip, if it be not ^^of unkind intent/’ Formal calls are made by ladies between three and five o’clock in the afternoon, half-past two and six being the earliest and latest allowable hours. The lady calling does not give her visit- ing card to the servant if the mistress of the house is at home. On leaving the house she leaves two of her husband’s cards on the hall table, one card for the master and one for the mistress of the house. Having seen the lady she would not leave one of her own cards. If the person called upon is not at home, three cards are left; one of her own and two of her husband’s, unless their names are engraved on one card, in which case only one of the gentle- man’s is left. A lady leaves a card for a lady only, while a gentleman leaves for both the lady and gentleman. Cards are left for the daugh^ ters of the family. If there are sons a lady would not leave her-card but her husband’s card or cards for them. If the lady and gentleman call and the mistress is at home, the gentleman leaves a card for the master of the house; but if both are at home, no cards are left. Etiquette now graciously permits a card to answer the per- pose of a call between persons moving in the same circle who wish to be on very ceremonious terms. A card must be returned by a card, a call by a call. After cards have been left once in the sea^ THE BEST SOCIETY, t7 son, they need not be left again, except after an entertainment, when the cards of all who have been invited must be left the day after or within the week, upon both host and hostess, and also for any one for whom the entertainment may have been given. It is almost more essential to leave cards when obliged to refuse an invitation than after having enjoyed the hospitality of friends. Provided an invitation is necessarily declined after having been accepted, cards are sent by messenger the same evening, followed by an ex- planatory note the following day. Ladies do not stay at home after an entertainment to re- ceive calls unless they have issued cards for a day. The best plan is for a lady to include with her invitation a card informing her friends when she will be at home to receive them If a young lady calls unaccompanied by her mother, she leaves her mother’s card, on which her own name is also engraved, and draws a pen- cil through her mother’s name. When a son has entered society, his mother leaves his card with her husband’s and her own, which is an intima- tion that it is expected he will be included in fut- ure invitations, and after one invitation has been received from a lady by the young man, he can then undertake the management of his own so- cial affairs, by making his party calls and leaving cards. It is correct for strangers in town to send cards by post to those friends whom they wish to acquaint with their presence in town. This rule, however, hardly applies to a country village, wheie a lady, in common with the entire community, knows when a friend has arrived and i8 THE USAGES OF hastens to call. When a lady chan^^s her resi- dence, she must leave her card upon those to whom she is indebted for a visit; to other friends she may send her card by post. When leaving town for the summer, or for a trip abroad, cards with P. P. C. written in one corner are sent by post or messenger. Upon again returning to town, cards are sent out with or without an ‘U\t home day up- on them. To leave a card at the house of a friend, after a private wedding or the formal an- nouncement of an engagement, is a recognition of the felicitous event, but it is not strictly de- manded of etiquette. After a death in the fam- ily of a friend, it is becoming more and more the custom to leave cards at the door as an express- ion of sympathy. Only an intimate friendship allows one to send a note of condolence. This card requires no acknowledgment. Cards of in- vitation and reply may go by post, but those of congratulation or condolence must be left in per- son or sent by special messenger, as a more defi- nite recognition of the grave event. This act is one of gentle kindliness and demands no ac- knowledgment whatever. It is compelled by too delicate a sentiment for the sympathizer to de- sire a reply. It is a gracious courtesy to send cards of in- quiry to acquaintances during their illness. On the visiting card above the printed name is writ- ten To inquireT This little civility is acknowl- edged by a card with ^'‘Return thanks for kind inquiries^ also written above the printed name. When persons who have been in mourning, again THE BEST SOCIETY, 19 feel equal to receiving visitors, they leave their cards on their friends, as an intimation that they are prepared to receive and make calls. Cards returning thanks must be sent to all who have called or sent cards of inquiry. If a gentleman is invited by a lady to call, he is bound to do so in person and soon, and after an invitation, he must call or leave his card. If he scorn this formality, he must not be aston- ished if society henceforth regards him as a sav- age, and treats him accordingly. If invited by a recent acquaintance, cards for both host and hostess must be left the day following the en- tertainment. If invited by a friend, cards may be left within the week, but the earlier the cards are left the better. If a bachelor acquaintance gives an entertainment, the same rule applies as to card leaving. A gentleman may not leave a card for a young lady to whom he has been introduced, unless her mother or chaperon invites him to do so. For a gentleman to ask if he may have the pleasure of calling, shows that he is ignorant of the best so- cial usages. A gentleman never makes a formal call without asking to see all the members of the family. He sends in or leaves his card for each individual. If heis calling upon a young lady who isa guests of those with whom he has no acquaintance, he must ask to see her hostess at the same time and also send her his card. This hostess of his friend may decline interrupting his call with her pres- ence, but it is considered hospitable for her to enter the room before his visit terminates, to as- THE [/SAGES OF to sure him that her guest’s friends are welcome at her house. If a gentleman is able to command leisure, he calls at the strictly conventional time, between three and five o’clock; but if he cannot command the hours of the day, he calls between half-past eight and nine o’clock in the evening. Whefi making evening calls, gentlemen should appear in full dress. A gentleman does not turn down the corners of his card, indeed that fashion has become al- most obsolete, except perhaps when a lady wishes it distinctly understood that she has call- ed in person. The plainer the card the better. If a gentleman receives an invitation to dinner or to a ball from a stranger, he is bound to send an immediate answer, call the very next day, leave his card, and then to call after the enter- tainment. A lady should not take a gentleman’s hat and coat when he calls; he must take care of them himself. If a lady is not sure that she is known by name to her hostess, she should not fail to pronounce her own name. A young lady should introduce herself as Miss Brown,” never without the Miss.” Nothing is more vulgar than that a caller should ask the servant where her mistress is, when she went out, when she will be in, how soon she will be down, etc. All that a well-trained serv- and should say to such questions is: I do not know, madam.” Regarding the length of a call it is better to stay too short than too long a time in a friend’s THE BEST SOCIETY, house. There are some guests who never know when the proper moment has arrived for them to take their departure. This evident inability to get away, when a vis- itor has made a sufficiently long call makes the hostess, as well as the guest, very uncomfortable. To many callers, the thought that they must, in ten minutes time or so, rise up and take their leave is a dreadful bugbear. The thought that he must soon leave weighs down his conversa- tion; he cannot venture upon any wider subject than the weather, for fear of missing an oppor- tunity to depart, and his uneasiness communi- cates itself to his hostess who does all in her power to give him the occasion he requires. But when the time comes that the visit may be naturally concluded he cannot make up his mind to go; he feels as if something had been unsatis- factory, and he dashes recklessly into a fresh subject in the hope of leaving a better impress- ion. Such visits are misery to both parties. The most equably-minded hostess may well lose her self-possession as she sees the ill-concealed anxi- ety of her vis-a-vis^ the longing looks toward the door, the wavering attention and random answers. Perhaps in such an emergency it would be a real act of kindness to seize the hes- itating guest by the hand and say warmly “Well, good-by, I am very sorry you must go,’’ etc., etc., meanwhile piloting the guest toward the door and leaving him very little else to do but to go out of it. If the old quotation, “ Welcome the 22 THE USAGES OP coming, speed the parting guest/' were more lit- erally acted upon, there would be much less dif- ficulty about and dislike of paying calls. THE BEST SOCIETY. 23 CHAPTER III. STRANGERS AND NEW-COMERS. Ought We to Visit Her?” was the title of one of Mrs. Edwards’ best novels; but this ques- tion was put by the county in reference to the antecedents of the heroine; and the same doubt- ful query is sometimes expressed with regard to the actual social position of ladies who have no pretensions to be considered heroines, and whose husbands bear little resemblance to heroes. The question of knowing and not knowing people, of calling and not calling on them, in re- ality refers only to country society. Any one acquainted with country society does not require to be told that the question, ought we to call,” is one that is very easily set at rest, and is by no means the bugbear or nightmare that some suppose it to be, neither are the new residents in a town victims of despair and mel- ancholly, through not being called upon. There are, as every one is aware, two distinct classes of new-comers in a neighborhood, and this makes all the difference as regards the treat- ment they receive at the hands of the inhabi- tants, and if their feelings render it. Let us take for instance, those who merely rent a place in the country for the summer 24 THE USAGES OF months. It may be that these temporary sojour- ners in the land desire to enter society or it may be that they are quite satisfied with the society of the friends invited by them to enjoy a little country air, and who arrive in constant success- ion during their term of occupation. These families who come into the country, for the brief period before mentioned, may leave it knowing as little of the inhabitants as on their first arrival. On the other hand, they sometimes make several acquaintances in the immediate neighborhood. It is a mistake to suppose that the people of a town hold aloof from new-comers on account of pride, prejudice, hauteur, arrogance and every other quality expressive of aristocratic exclusive- ness; on the contrary, the ideas conveyed by these expressions have often very little to do with the matter. There is a fear that their visits may be taken as an intrusion, and a call would be as unwelcome to one, as embarrassing to the other. To turn from summer neighbors, as they may be termed, to new residents, the aspects of af- fairs in this latter case, bears a different complex- ion. A new resident either takes a place for a term of years or better still, buys one, in either case, his advent is interesting. He may prove a very pleasant neighbor or the reverse. This is a matter worth investigation. In some towns, the event is of more impor- tance than in others; it of course depends on the strength of the neighborhood. If it is a good one, one neighbor, more or less, is of little mo- ment, but if it is a poor one, the advent of a new THE BEST SOCIETY. 25 neighbor gives rise to pleasant speculations among the ladies, and they call as a matter of course, the calls are returned, and the family of the new neighbor is in due time initiated into the society of the place. This is taken for granted, that the new neigh- bor is neither too old nor too great an invalid to care for society. Should she be either of these, the fact becomes known, and the calling is con- sequently the reverse of brisk, for fear of intru- sion on the quiet and privacy often preferred. In these days, people who have any social qual- ities to recommend them, apart from their wealth or perhaps joined with it, usually makes their way, sooner or later, in some cases, it is later, rather than sooner, but it generally follows that those who have stood aloof longest, succumb at last to the general verdict in their favor, and when the contrary is the case, and the residents continue to hold aloof, it may be salely surmised that the residents are right after all. The first call must be returned within three or four days. If the new-comers do not wish to form an acquaintance, they would return the calls by leaving cards only. If the resident does not care to continue the acquaintance, after the first meeting, it will be discontinued by not leav- ing cards, or by not calling again. If strangers who have come to reside with us, or even to visit our locality, bear credentials of respectability, courteous and hospitable residents should call on them, after sufficient time has elapsed for the recently arrived to have adjusted themselves to their new positions. 26 THE USAGES OF No introduction is necessary is such a case. A lady calls between three and five o’clock, and if she finds the strangers disengaged, a brief and cordial interview ends the first visit. This, as has been said, must be returned within three or four days, or a week at the longest, or a note of apology and explanation for the omission is sent, and the return visit is then paid later on. A gentleman should not make a first call upon the ladies of the family of a new-comer without an introduction or an invitation. A lady friend, or kinswoman may leave his card, and she may receive an invitation, verbal or written, to make the new acquaintance. Under such circumstan- ces, the usual formality of introduction may be made by his second visiting card, which he will send in to announce himself at the time of his call, provided he pays his respects to the new household unaccompanied by a common friend. The sending of his card to the strangers was an unmistakable request to make their ac- quaintance. If his visits be undesirable, the way is opened for an easy method of declining them. His card must not be noticed. This refusal of friendliness is far less awkward and unpleasant for both parties, than to ask permission verbally to become a visitor and be verbally rejected. Sometimes there are unfortunate family compli- cations or conditions which compel a refusal of gentleman’s society, but which are explainable. A stranger can make no overtures for acquaint- anceship to older residents, but as frequently hap- pens in larger towns, two people may have de- sired each other’s society for a long time, but the THE BEST SOCIETY. 2 ^ formalities of an introduction have been beyond easy reach. They meet at the house of a friend, and conversation, either with or without present- ation, often leads to a wish for further inter- course. This desire is expressed, and a mutual interchange of kindly interest and addresses takes place. The question then arrises, ‘^Who shall pay the first visit ?” This is one of those matters which settle themselves. Mutual liking and sincere expressions of regard prepare the way for either one to make the initiative call. If one lady be the younger by many years, she should call first. This etiquette is based upon the supposition that the elder lady belongs to a lar- ger circle of friends and has more pressing social duties than the younger one. If the two are equal in age and position, the one whose recep- tion dav arrives earliest should receive the first call. 28 THE USAGES OF CHAPTER IV. ENGAGEMENTS AND WEDDINGS. The gentleman presents the lady with a ring as soon as they are engaged. Almost any style of ring may properly be used as the symbol of betrothal, but those who wish to conform to the ordinary usage, select either pearls or diamonds. If the person can say with Lothair that ^dhere is a reserve about pearls that I like, something soft and dim/' he chooses a single-stone pearl ring; if he looks beyond that, a solitaire diamond, al- though three-stone rings are very often used. A tasteful ring is one set with a pearl in the center, and a small diamond on either side. The setting should be of a very simple style, but good. A newer style for an engagement ring is a ruby and a diamond, or a sapphire and a diamond, set at right angles or diagonally. The Germans have a poetic formality about an engagement ring, which is likely to become a general custom. A plain gold circlet, inscribed within with the date and some such tender sentiment as ^‘This and the giver are thine forever," is given at the time of betrothal, and the same ring is used to complete the marriage ceremony; the groom re- moving it at the altar and passing it to the clergy- man. As soon after the service as is convenient, THE BEST SOCIETY. 29 a jeweled ring is added to guard the one which is honored as the wedding ring. There is no prescribed form for the announce- ment of an engagement, although a writer on the social etiquette of New York says: ‘‘The socie- ty newspapers are expected to gazette the engage- ment very soon after it is made known to kins- people and intimate friends. Acquaintances are thus informed of the new relation, and the proper felicitation are expressed in the usual manner. The propriety of adopting this method of com- munication with society at large is approved by our highest authorities in polite affairs.” This sounds very well, but the young lady of delicate sentiments would shrink from this meth- od of communication, and prefer to make known the engagement to friends alone, in some pleas- ant manner. A dinner-party may be given by the family of the bride-elect; just before rising from the feast, the host announces the engage- ment, when a general outburst of good fealings and congratulation follows, or the engagament may be made known by note from the mother of the bride-elect or by the lady herself to inti- mate friends. Notes and calls of congratulation immediately follow. If the families of the be- trothed have been previously strangers, it is for the gentleman’s family to call first. It is very civil and proper for friends who entertain generously to show the engaged couple some attention in the shape (T a dinner or a dancing-party given especially for then. The young lady does not make ceremonious calls after the announcement of her engagement, which is usually made but 30 THE USAGES OF short time before the date fixed for her mar^ riage. It is the exclusive privilege of the mother to name the wedding day for her daughter. It is strictly demanded by etiquette that the bride-elect leave her visiting card in person at the doors of her friend’s residence a few days be- fore sending out her wedding invitation, but she does not enter, except it be to visit an invalid or an aged friend. These ceremonious calls before marriage must not be omitted. After the invitations are issued, the young lady does not appear in public. Her wedding cards are sent out at least two weeks before the cere- mony is to take place. Invitations to friends residing at a distance are forwarded somewhat earlier. The invitations are not answered save by a card enclosed in an envelope and sent by mail, unless the ceremony occur in the morning and the guests are requested to attend the breakfast, then the answer should be explicit as for a dinner. It must be a very urgent reason, indeed, that leads one to decline an invitation to a wedding, the summons being considered but a shade less im- portant in England than one from royalty itself. The invitations are issued in the name of the bride’s parents, parent, or nearest relative. If the bride stand in the relationship of granddaughter, niece, cousin, or simple friend to the persons or person issuing the invitation, this is noted in the formula in place of the word ^‘daughter.” A wedding invitation, as well as all others, should be engraved in script. Fashion having long ago THE BEST SOCIETY. 31 decreed that Old English and German text, although perfectly harmless and respectable, have no longer any claims worthy of recognition by an aristocratic world. The invitation is engraved on one sheet of paper, which must be of creamy daintiness, and shaped so as to fold once. If cipher, monogram or crest is used upon the paper, it should not be in color for weddings; the center of the top of the page is the place for it. The fashionable world, at present, often has the cipher or monogram upon the envelope, omitting it from the note, but if it appear on the note, it must also be used on the envelope; the quality and tint of the invita- tions, envelopes and reception cards enclosed, should be the same, and not each possess a hue of its own. The following is the proper formula : Mr. and Mrs. Diedrich Knickerbocker request your presence at the marriage of their daughter ^ Caroline Matilda^ to Mr. Wouter Van Twiller., on Wednesday.^ October seventeenth^ at three o' clock. Grace Church., Broadway and Tenth Street. 32 THE USAGES OF If you are bidden to the reception, a card enclos- ed conveys the intelligence. This card should be square, the size of the invitation note paper once folded. Mr. and Mrs. Diedrich Knickerbocker At Home.^ Wednesday.^ October seventeenth.^ from half past three until six d clock. 32 West \(^\st Street. Another less elaborate style is the following: Reception from half past three until six o'clock. 32 West \^\st Street. Generally, only half an hour intervenes between the ceremony and the reception. The admission card (to the church), a less romantic than practical affair, can happily be dispensed with in a rural town, but it is an abso- ute necessity in cities, where the church would otherwise be filled with sight-seeing strangers. The card of admission should be long and narrow, and engraved with either of the two following forms: Grace Church. Ceremony at three d clock. or, Grace Church. Please present this to the usher. THE BEST SOCIETY, 33 One or more of these cards is enclosed. They are intended for distribution to personal friends of the invited, and also for the use of servants who may accompany guests to the church. These cards, with the note of invitation and the reception card, are enclosed in the same envel- ope, superscribed with Xh^name only of the person invited, then put in another envelope, on which is written the full name and address, and sent by mail. For weddings at home, the form of invitation is the same as for one at church, with the single exception of the street and number being sub- stituted for the name of the church. A church wedding is a beautiful affair, and also a complicated one, as the almost countless details testify. The bridesmaids, from two to eight in number, are chosen from among the intimate friends of the young lady about to be married. The bride’s sisters and those of the bridegroom, when it is possible, are usually invited to act as witnesses of the marriage, for that is the theoreti- cal use of bridesmaids. The dresses for the occasion are given to them by the bride, if their circumstances are such as to make it necessary, but not otherwise. When the bride is young, the maids should be young, but it is not wise for a single woman of uncertain age to surround her- self with blooming girls. Upon her wedding day, it is customary for the young lady to present some souvenir of the occa- sion to each of her bridesmaids; the gift may be either a ring, or bracelet, or a fan, but it need not be costly. The bouquets of the maids and 34 THE USAGES OE the boutonnieres of the ushers are also the gift of the bride. A scarf-pin of unique or quaint device, or some other article, useful as well as ornamental, is given to each of the ushers, by the bridegroom, as a slight acknowledgment of their services. The groom chooses the ushers from his circle of relatives and friends; he also selects a single friend, whom he calls by the English title his “ best man,” and to him is intrusted the arrange- ments of the various social and business formali- ties of the wedding. No one ever loses interest in the “ divinity which doth hedge” a bride, and the typical marriage toilet is always expected to be one of irreproachable taste and elegance. During the last two years a great effort has been made by leading modistes to break in upon the ^Tegulation” character of wedding dresses and to some extent the attempt has been successful. The orange blossoms, formally an inseparable part of the bridal gear, are no longer considered an absolute necessity, although most brides prefer them for the wreath; and combine them with white heath and lilies of the valley; the bouquet, which seems rather an awkward addition, should be of the same kind of flowers as those used for wreath, or white lilies and roses may be used. Persian lilies, jasmines, snow-drops, water-lilies, and even white hyacinths are used to decorate bridal toilettes, although the latter is considered an unlucky flower not to be worn defiantly before the fates. As to fabrics, cream white satin is the invariable choice of brides who respect tradition, and have THE BEST SOCIETY, 35 rare laces worn by ancestral dames. Brides adhere to white suede gloves of extravagant length for the wedding occasion. When a col- ored costume is worn, the gloves are of some harmonious shade, or she can if she choses, go to the altar with uncovered hand:: — fashion favors this, although it is entirely a matter of taste. No jewelry of any description should be worn for when a young lady goes up to the altar, she is, as the French say, encore jeune fille. If, how ever, the groom’s wedding gift be something in diamonds, the bride cannot very well do other- wise than wear the ornament, which may possibly be a crescent for the neck and diamond stars to fasten the veil. When there is any display of jewels, the marriage veil of simple tulle is scorn- ed, and for it is substituted one of rich point de Venise lace. The dresses of bridesmaids are not as elaborate as that of the bride. They may be white or of delicate colors, and are made with trains. Fans and baskets of flowers are preferred to bouquets for bridesmaids. When a bouquet is carried, it is attached to a chatelaine or bridle of satin ribbon at the left side. Veils may or may not be worn, but if used they must be shorter than that of the bride. It is not uncommon at present for the ladies of bridal parties to copy an historical picture by their garments and coiffures. If the wedding is by day, the bridegroom and ushers wear full morning dress, which consists of a frock coat of dark cloth, vest of the same, tight trousers and a light necktie; white neckties are not worn with frock coats. If the wedding is in 36 THE USAGES OF the evening, full dress is demanded of the groom, and of all the gentlemen in attendance. The groom must wear gloves of some light shade : The ushers wear gloves of some delicate color. All the gentlemen wear favors, except the groom. He always wears only a flower. Favors should be made of white ribbon and silver leaves. For the occasion the church is decorated with rare plants and flowers. A large canopy of flowers may occupy the space between the pews and the chancel steps, and a bell of white flowers be suspended above the chancel. Within this bell a peal of silver sounding metallic bells may be secreted, and as the bridal party approach the altar, silken cords held by some little maiden setthe peals in mo- tion, simultaneously with the organ notes. The kneeling stool covered with white should be looked at and properly adjusted by one of the ushers, who has been selected to act as master of the ceremonies. He is early at the church and having been made acquainted with the number of guests expected to be present he places the ribbon or arch of flowers far enough back from the altar to give ample room for every invited guest, or either for the relatives of the bridal pair, other guests occupying the lower part of the church. If any friends are in mourning they usually enter the church quietly and hide them- selves in some obscure nook. No one should at- tend a wedding reception in a mourning dress, which gives place to gray or lavender with a flower on the corsage, otherwise the person had better stop at home and not cast a shade of THE BEST SOCIETY, 37 gloom over the festival. The ushers stand by the inner entrance to the church, to be in readi- ness to escort ladies to their proper seats. If a lady be accompanied by a gentleman he follows her to her seat. The usher offers a lady his right arm, and if unacquainted with her, asks if she is a friend of the bride or groom, the bride’s friends being seated upon the left of the main aisle, and the groom’s upon the right. After the service the ushers act as cavaliers of the bridesmaids, at the reception. The organist should be early in his place as he is expected to play during the arrival of the audience. The bridesmaids and other members of the family set off first in carriages. The bride, who meets the groom at the altar for the first time that day, goes last with her mother and father. The groom with the best man, ought to be waiting in the church. When the bride and her attendants have arranged themselves in the vesti- bule, the groom with the best man comes from the vestry and watches for the coming of his bride, the organ meanwhile playing some melody chosen by the bride. The ushers, who usually equal the bridesmaids in number, walk in pairs in advance of the ladies, and arrange themselves at the right of the two awaiting gentlemen. Sometimes the bridesmaids, noiselessly and demurely, precede the bride, or they may follow her and always stand at her left; if they enter in advance, two or four little boys, young brothers or relatives of the bride, dressed as pages, bear her train, or carry baskets of flowers which they scatter in her path as she leaves the church. If 3S THE [/SAGES OF the maids follow the bride, she is sometimes preceded by two or four little girls, who strew her path to the altar with flowers. Sometimes garlands of flowers, that have been somewhere hidden, are suddenly stretched across the aisle at brief intervals by little maidens who stand on the seats at the ends of the pews and lift their pretty arms high in the air to swing their roses over the pathway of the bridal party as it passes down the aisle. The bride is supported by her father or by the person who represents him and is to give her away. The groom comes forward a few steps to meet her, takes her hand and places her at the altar to his left. The father waits at her left, and a step or two back of her; he gives her away by bowing when the question is asked, which is a much simpler form than stepping forward and placing his daughter’s hand in that of the clergyman. The service then begins. As at present, all churches use the ring, the bride removes the glove from her left hand and gives it to a bridesmaid to hold, and sometimes to keep as a good omen. While the bride and groom are making the responses, the organist plays softly, and after the blessing the clergyman congratu- lates the husband and wife, who are the first to leave the church, the bride taking the groom’s right arm; the bridesmaids follow, each escorted by an usher, and just behind the bridal company are the father and mother of the bride. Two of the ushers usually hurry from the vestibule to the residence of the bride to be in readiness to receive the newly wedded. It is now the cus- tom to have a highly illuminated parchment THE BEST SOCIETY. 39 certificate signed by the newly married pair with two or three witnesses, the best man, the father and mother, and so on, being the attesting parties. The bridal party, with half the maids at the right of the lady, and half at the left of the groom — the first bridesmaid retaining the place of honor — arrange themselves for the usual con- gratulations; the parents of the bride stand at a little distance upon her right, and those of the groom at his left. As the guests arrive, the ushers affer their right arms to the ladies to conduct them to the married pair. The gentlemen attend- ing the ladies follow. If the usher is not acquaint- ed with the lady he is escorting, he inquires her name on the way, presenting her and the gentle- man to the bride and groom and then to the parents. The bride should always be addressed first and receive the good wishes of her friends, and the groom the congratulations. If ladies are present without gentlemen, an usher attends each to the supper-room or provides an escort. If it be a morning wedding and breakfast is served, the host sits at one end of the table and the hostess at the other, he with the bride at his right, she with the groom at her right hand. If healths are drunk, the father proposes the health of the bride and groom, the bride bows, smiles, and raises the glass to her lips, while the groom is expected to reply. Wedding cake is now put up in small boxes and given to the guests to take home. After the breakfast, or in case of a reception, before the guests disperse, the bride and groom 40 THE USAGES OF retire to their dressing-rooms quietly, taking no leave of any one, and prepare for their departure. They don their traveling attire and only a few especially invited friends remain with the ushers and bridesmaids to throw rice and worn slippers after their carriage. No one askes them whither they are going, although it is no longer considered necssary to maintain any secrecy regarding the honeymoon tour. The traveling dress of a bride should be of silk or of some fine fabric like a handsome dress for morning calls, and the style of the very best. At private weddings the bride is sometimes married in traveling costume and the pair at once set out upon their journey. If there has been no wedding reception upon the return to town of the couple, it is customary for the mother of the bride to give one for which she sends out invitations like the following: Mrs. Diedrich Knickerbocker., Mrs. W outer Va 7 i Twiller^ At Home, Thursday, November eighth, from four until ten d clock. 3 1 West I gist Street. If the reception is in the evening, the form is: THE BEST SOCIETY, 41 Mr, and Mrs, Diedrich Knickerbocker At Home,, Thursday Evening, November eighth, from nine until eleven d clock, 32 West \^\st Street, Enclosing a card of: Mr. and Mrs. W outer Van Twiller. If the wedding has been private or informal, during the absence of the newly married, the family of the bride sometimes issue an announce- ment of the marriage to friends and acquaint- ances. This is an intimation that the marriage received the parents’ full sanction. These notes are engraved in the following manner: Mr. and Mrs. Diedrich Knickerbocker Announce the 7 narriage of their daughter, Caroline Matilda, to Mr. W outer Van Twiller, Thursday, November first, 1883. 32 West \c)\st Street, New York. 42 THE USAGES OF The recipients of these cards must, at once, ransack their brains for something fitting and complimentary, weave it into a note, and despatch it to the parents of the bride; and if the intimacy of the parties warrants it, a note is also sent to the bride. When a marriage takes place during seasons of family mourning, or of a misfortune, it is the custom for the bridegroom to make the announcement of the marriage, which is on square cards, in form as follows: Mr. and Mrs. W outer Van Twiller.^ 75 Blank Street. Engraved on a smaller card is the maiden name of the bride, as: Miss Caroline Knickerbocker. Both cards are enclosed in double envelopes and sent to friends by mail. If the wedded pair commence life in a house of their own, it is usual to send out At Home’' cards for a few evenings, soon after their return to the city. Only such persons are invited as the two wish to keep as friends. It is a capital opportunity for rearranging one’s social list, and as the custom is admitted as a necessity, no one must be offended. These reception cards are neither large nor small; a note may be used if preferred, but the card is considered less ostenta- tious. The following is the correct style: THE BEST SOCIETY. 43 ^r. and Mrs. Wouter Van Twiller., At Home, Tuesday eve 7 iings in December^ from eight to eleven d clock. 75 West Bla^ik Street. At wedding receptions in the evening, guests should wear full evening dress; at a morning reception, a street costume is worn. It is no longer usual for a bride to remain at home to receive callers, unless, of course, she has an at home” day. Friends call and take the chance of finding her at home. When there has been a reception after the ceremony, which the invited guest has attended, and has left a card in the card-receiver, a subsequent visit may be omitted. But if the invited guest has been una- ble to attend the wedding reception, a call or a card is strictly necessary within ten days after the wedding. No one must think of calling on the bride who has not received an invitation to the ceremony at church, or cards after the estab- lishment of the couple in their new home. For brides who prefer the good old way of their grandmothers, another formality for the entrance of the bridal party to the church might be described. For a ceremony of this kind, the bridesmaids ^rst pass up the aisle, each with a gentleman on whom to lean (the groomsmen by name); they turn at the altar, the ladies going to their left 44 THE USAGES OF and the gentlemen to their right, and the groom follows with the mother of the bride. This lady he takes pleasure in seating as speedily as possi- ble in a convenient front pew at his left. The bride, with downcast eyes, follows, clinging to the arm of her father, or to the arm of a near relative. At her left, and just a step or two back of her, her father waits to give her away, which he does by bowing or by taking her right hand and placing it in that of the clergyman. After this, he joins the lady who entered with the groom, and becomes her escort. If there are no bridesmaids, the ushers walk into church in pairs, just in advance of the groom, and, parting at the altar, half stand at one side and half at the other. While the cler- gyman is congratulating the bride, they pass out in pairs, a few yards in advance of the married party. When there are no bridesmaids nor ushers, the order of the ceremonies is as follows: The members of the bride’s family set off before the bride. She follows with her mother. The bride- groom awaits them and gives his arm to the mother. They walk up the aisle to the altar, the mother falling back to her position on the left. The father, or relative representing the father, conducts the bride to the groom, who stands at the altar steps with his face turned to- ward her as she approaches, and the father falls back to the left. The relatives follow, those of the bride standing at the left, those of the groom at the right. At the close of the service, the bride and bridegroom pass out first, the mother THE BEST SOCIETY. 45 and father following, the relatives bringing up the rear. A marriage ceremony of this descrip- tion may be very convenient and easily ar- ranged, but it is not an especially interesting spectacle. Wedding breakfasts have all the form and cer- emony of a dinner, although it must be borne in mind that it is not a dinner. Flowers may be skilfully arranged in fine glass vases, or in silver epergnes.^ with flowers on either side of the wed- ding-cake, which stands in the center of the ta- ble. Generally, the viands are cold, consisting of poultry and game, salads, game pies, salmon a la mayorinaise., tongues, hams, savory jellies, ices, fruit, sweets of every description, and wine. Dishes should vary with the seasons of the year. For weddings at home, about the same for- malities are observed as for a ceremony in church. An altar — if it can be so called — is usually a high railing, entirely concealed by flowers, and placed in an arbor of evergreens, with a true lover’s-knot of red and white flowers over the entrance, or a marriage-bell can be sus- pended from the ceiling on a wire rope, hidden by smilax. Foliage plants and banks of moss fill the window recesses, with tall palms in con- venient corners, and a profusion of hanging- baskets and smilax, with perhaps a Cupid’s bow and arrow of white, red, and purple flowers over a mirror, or in any place suitable. The orchestra is stationed in the hall. Only relatives are admitted into the parlor where the ceremony is to be performed; when it is con- cluded, the party turn in their places and face 46 THE tl SAGES OF their friends, who come forward to congratulate them. If space be of importance, the kneeling- stool and even the floral altar may be removed a little later, without observation. When a widow marries, her notes of invitation are engiaved with her whole name; for instance: Margaret Fuller Smith,” her maiden and her married name. It would be shocking for her to call herself “ Mrs. Margaret Smith.” She may be married in white if she chooses, but etiquette strictly prohibits a veil and orange blossoms a second time; widows and ladies not young are usually married in bonnets, which should be of the most elegant description. A widow may have her maids at the altar, a liberty which has only been granted to her within the last few years, and everything may be arranged with a vast deal of ceremony, but simplicity is better. If she have sons or unmarried daughters at the time she becomes again a wife, she prefixes the last name of her children to her new one on all ceremonious occasions in which they are inter- ested in common with herself. When bridal presents are given, they are sent to the bride some days before the marriage cer- emony, and are acknowledged as soon after that event as possible by a note written with the bride’s own hand. Sometimes the bride carries, or is followed, on her wedding tour by a list of fier presents, so that she may return thanks as early as practica- ble. As the custom of sending bridal presents, formerly so universal, has fallen into disuse, if immediate friends and relatives desire to make THE BEST SOCIETY. 47 presents, it is very kind and proper for them ^o do so, but it should not be considered obliga- tory. These gifts are seldom exhibited, and the few chosen friends who are permitted to look at them do so after the cards of the donors have been removed. It is not considered at all the correct thing to talk about these contributions, or rather gifts. Relations may present useful articles, while others give only such costly gifts or works of art and beauty as shall be a compli- ment to the cultivated and refined tastes of the recipients. Such gifts as linen, silver, etc., are marked, if at all, with the bride’s maiden name. The pres- ents for the bridegroom are inscribed either with his cipher or initial. An attempt has been made to introduce the English fashion of a wedding-breakfast. The breakfast has all the formality of a dinner, and seats are, of course, very important. On arriv- ing at the house where the breakfast is to be held, the gentlemen leave their hats in the hall, but the ladies do not remove their bonnets. After greeting the bride and groom, and the fa- ther and mother, the company converse for a few moments until breakfast is announced. Then the bride and groom go first, followed by the bride’s father with the groom’s mother, and the groom’s father with the bride’s mother; then the best man with the first bridesmaid; then the bridesmaids with attendant gentlemen, and then the other invited guests. Coffee and tea are not offered, but bouillon, salads, birds, oysters, and other hot and cold dishes, ices, jel- 48 THE USAGES OF lies, etc., are served, together with champagne and other wines, and finally the wedding-cake is set before the bride, and she cuts a slice. Wedding presents are sent any time within two months before the wedding — the earlier the better. All persons who send gifts should be in- vited to the wedding and to the reception, al- though the converse of this proposition does not hold true, for not all who are asked to the wed- ding are expected to send gifts. For weddings in families where a death has recently occurred, all friends, even the widowed mother, should lay aside their mourning for the ceremony, appearing in colors. It is considered inappropriate to wear black at. a wedding. Pur- ple silk or velvet can be worn. Should there be dancing at a wedding, it is proper for the bride to open the first quadrille with the best man, the groom dancing with the first bridesmaid. It is not, however, very cus- tomary for a bride to dance, or for dancing to occur at an evening wedding, but it is not a bad old custom. For wedding decorations, houses are filled with palm trees in pots, and orange trees in full bearing. Mirrors are covered with vines, wreaths and climbing roses, trained across a trel- lis of wire. It is a very pleasant custom for the bride to announce with her wedding-cards two or more reception days during the winter, after her mar- riage, on which her friends can call upon her. On these occasions she does not wear her wedding- dress. She wears a dark silk, which may be as THE BEST SOCIETY. 49 handsome as she chooses As for wearing her wedding-dress to balls or dinners after her mar- riage, it is perfectly proper for her to do so, if she divests herself of her veil and her orange blossoms. THE USAGES OF CHAPTER V. RECEPTIONS. Ladies are more and more inclined to use the post as a medium for sending invitations to re- ception days and teas. The post is sure, and the card is almost certain to reach its destina- tion. If the cards are sent by mail, two envel- opes are required, the outer one sealed; but if they are left by special messenger, the 07 ie en- velope is unsealed. It is not at all the correct thing to invite older persons to one’s house until after the first call of the season has been made, nor can you invite a lady until you have first called on her in a for- mal manner, and the visit has been returned. Calls made on reception days, where a guest is staying, are not binding upon the guest to re- turn, and no separate card is left for a guest on a reception day, although a card is left for the hostess by each person present to serve for an after call, and the card is also necessary for the reason that it would be too much to expect that a hostess could remember all who called. She is obliged to sit down the next day and count her cards. Gentlemen should not expect to re- ceive invitations from ladies with whom they THE BEST SOCIETY. 51 are only on terms of formal visiting until the autumnal call has been made, or until their cards have been made to represent themselves. Invitations to a ball, to an “at home,” a tea, or a garden party are usually given in the name of the hostess. The invitations to dinner are in the name of both host and hostess. It is never the custom for very young ladies to invite guests, especially gentlemen, in their own name. If the mother is not living, all notes of invitation should be written in the father’s name, although an elderly sister at the head of the house can issue invitations in her own name. Numerals for dates, hours, and street numbers are always permissible on cards of invitation, also for the months, if space or the lack of it make such abreviations necessary. No abrevia- tions of names are allowed, although initials may be used. Invitations to day or evening receptions are now generally made on “at home” cards, or the lady’s visiting card is used with the simple in- scription “At home, Tuesday, October i6th, from four until seven,” written beneath the printed name. If a series of receptions are to be given, the following is the form: Tuesdays in Novefnber^ from four to six d clock. There are many reasons for the popularity of the afternoon “at home.” It can be given in a large or a small house, by the wealthy, or by those who are the reverse; it can be arranged on UNIVERSITY laiNOIS LIBR 52 THE USAGES OF a grand scale, or on a very moderate one of ex- pense. When an ‘^at home'’ is given once in every week of a season, it is rather with an idea of be- ing at home on a certain day to all who may call, than of giving a special entertainment, but many consider that to give up one afternoon in each week is too great a tax upon their time and engagements, and prefer giving one or two large receptions during the winter. Many ladies pre- fer the evening party to an afternoon reception. A number of gentlemen renders the former a more enviable affair, and then the supper, which follows, contributes a certain amount of festivity to the gathering which is lacking at an afternoon at home.” On the other hamd, numerous are the upholders of the simpler forms of entertain- ment. The question of dress operates in favor of it, as the usual afternoon visiting toilet is that worn at an “at home,” which toilet can be as plain or as elaborate as the taste or means of the wearer may dictate. These small and unpretending receptions are very appropriate in winter, when people are glad of somewhere to go and something to do on cold, dark afternoons. No doubt, they promote and further much pleasant intimacy between those moving in the same circle, and are the means of ladies enjoying themselves in a quiet way. In the summer, for an out-door entertainment, the words “lawn tennis” or “garden party” are engraved or written in the left-hand corner of the visiting card. No answers are expected to these “ at home ” invitations, unless an “ R. S. THE BEST SOCIETY. 55 V. P (letters which are less and less frequently used) is written at one corner. A lady may be sending out so many invitations that she does not care for ah answer, but if she makes the re- quest (in the case of an ‘^at home,” all other in- vitations requiring replies), it is most hopelessly ill-bred not to send an immediate reply. No such word as regiets,” accepts,” etc., should be written on a card. A full regret or accept- ance should be written on a sheet of note paper or a card made for the purpose. If you attend an “ at home ” reception, a call is not necessary; if, however, you are unable to accept the invitation, you call or leave a card as soon after as possible. If the lady has a weekly reception day the call must be made on that day. Gentlemen may send their cards by post, when they cannot attend nor even find time afterward to call. It was considered shocking to inclose cards and send by post or messenger, but it is now permissible for elderly ladies, invalids, or those in mourning who receive invitations, to send their visiting cards upon the day of the re- ception. If cards are sent by a footman, it should be remembered that it is not allowable to put them in an envelope, or, if so inclosed, the servant should be told to remove the envelope before delivering the cards. Receptions in New York and other large cities are in order from October until the com- mencement of Lent. The ‘^kettle-drum,” form- erly so high in favor, is now replaced by the afternoon tea. The “at-home” is of the most informal style of reception; the hours are usual- 54 THE USAGES OF ly from four until six. They are intended as a social meeting of ladies by daylight, and have for their principal object conversation, so that in the selection of guests, youth and beauty are less considered than talent and distinction. Guests are not expected to appear in full dress; a lady wears a visiting costume, which is richer than the ordinary walking-dress, and a bonnet is in order. The hostess receives her guests standing, aid- ed by members of her famil)^ or friends, whose special duty it is to relieve her, that she may be free to welcome each new-comer. Few remain over the conventional half hour, unless detained by music. The formality of bidding the hostess adieu is dispensed with. A table, set in the din- ing-room, is supplied with a coffee or chocolate equipage at one end, and a tea service at the other. There are sandwiches, cakes, claret punch, ices and fruit. Full-dress receptions are given afternoon and evening, the afternoon being more particularly designed for elder acquaintances and the even- ing for younger ladies and gentlemen. The invitations should be from engraved plates on square cards or note sheets — they are sent out about two weeks before the reception day — and are preceded by a call by card upon all acquaintances to whom the hostess is indebted for formal civilities. The invitation is issued in the name of the hostess, with the addition be- neath it, if she chooses, of a daughter or friend. The following is the correct form: THE BEST SOCIETY, 55 Mrs. John W. Brown requests the pleasure of your company on Thursday^ Nove 77 iber eighth,, from five until ten o' clock. 7195 Madison Avenue. or Mrs. John W. Brown. Miss Brown. Thursday, November eighth, from five until ten d clock. 7195 Madison Avenue. If there is to be dancing, the word is engraved at the left of the card. The reply should be formal, and written on appropriate cards, as fol- lows: Mr. a 7 id Mrs. Julius C. Jones accept with pleasure (or decline %mth sincere regret), Mrs. John W. Brown' s invitation for Thursday, November eighth. During the hours of reception, an awning and 56 THE [/SAGES OE carpet to the carriage-way are indispensable. A serving man, in dress suit and fresh white thread gloves, opens the door of each carriage (provided there is no footman), and assists the ladies to alight. This man provides each lady with the number of her carriage, as it is fixed in the order of her arrival, and the same is given to her driver, so that he shall know when she asks for him, and he is called for by this very useful at- tendant. Another man, or it may be a woman, awaits at the door, which she opens without the bell being touched. This servant receives the cards of the guests and directs them to the dress- ing-rooms. A lady guest enters the drawing- room at the gentleman’s right side, preceding him by a step or two. She does not take his arm; or if a young lady is accompanied by a chaperon, she enters the room with her charge at her right. Ladies in escorting each other, never offer or take the arm. The host and hostess re- tain their post of reception during the entire evening. After a very brief interchange of salu- tations, the guests pass on to give place to oth- ers; they do not engage in conversation with those receiving. The hostess rarely introduces people at these large receptions, two hundred guests being some- times present; it is not the custom to introduce people, even if the hostess were not too closely occupied in receiving her guests. It is not neces- sary for gentleman to wear gloves, the practice being to omit them on all social occasions. If there is dancing, as is often provided, and sometimes mentioned on a corner of the card of THE BEST SOCIETY. 57 invitation, it usually commences after the hour named for the close of the reception. If the re- ception is until ten, the dancing commences about half past ten, with supper from eight until one o’clock. The hostess cannot leave her post to dance, but her daughters may do so during the latter part of the evening. It is not etiquette for young ladies to dance more than once at their own receptions with the same gentleman. When the word dancing ” is not engraved on the cards, it is not uncommon for the hostess to in- vite a few young people by special note to re^ main and dance after the hours mentioned in the invitation, or she may, if she likes, make the re- quest during the reception. If the reception be a grand and full-dress af- fair, after-calls are necessary. When a reception is given by a gentleman to meet some distinguished person, the form is as follows: Mr. Hamilton Post., Jr., requests the pleasure of t\e company of Mr. on Tuesday evening, January tenth, at eight d clock, to meet Captain Kydd, 76 South Street, R. S. V. P. {Or, the favor of an answer is requested^) The latter form being in better taste. 58 THE USAGES OF DEBUTS. Debuts take plaec, for the most part, at the private balls which are usually given for the pur- pose. Previous to the formal presentation or debut of a young lady, her mother and her elder unmarried sisters — if she have them — make cer- emonious calls or leave their cards, with those of the father and brothers, for all acquaintances whom they propose to invite to be present at the debut. About ten days before the event, en- graved invitations in script are sent out. The special purpose of the party is stated, with the name of the debutante, or the card of the young lady is inclosed in the envelope containing the in- vitation, this being considered in better taste than to have the name printed upon the invita- tion. For those, however, who prefer this style, the following is the formula: Mr. and Mrs. Robinson Crusoe request the pleasure of presenting their eldest (or second., etc.) daughter Miss Ethdfrida Uraiiia^ to Mr. and Mrs. Napoleon Bonaparte^ on Thursday evening, January seventeenth, at half past eight d clock. Dancing at ii. 71 West Street. THE BEST SOCIETY. 59 The reply^ written and forwarded directly, is as follows: Mr. and Mrs. Napoleon Bonaparte accept with pleasure Mr. and Mrs. Robinson Crusoe's kind invitation for Thursday evening., January i^th. No. 5 Sussex Place. January ^th. If the invitations for the debut are sent by post, an extra outer envelope incloses all the in- vitations that are directed to one family. If they are delivered by messenger, the outer wrap is not used. One envelope is directed to Mr. and Mrs. B. If there are more daughters than one, the address is “Misses B.,” or “The Misses B.” Each son receives a separate invitation, while the daughters are not individually bidden to the entertainment. Replies to these notes are sent in the names of the parties addressed on the envelopes. All friends interested in the occasion may send flow- ers on the day of the young girl’s presentation to society, if they wish to do so, and in the even- ing, when greeting the young lady, who stands at the left of her mother during the reception of the guests, some congratulatory remarks are offered to her by each person. When supper is announced the father escorts the debutante to the table, and the mother fol- lows at the last with the gentleman whom she particularly wishes to honor. If there be a 6o THE USAGES OF brother, the father leads the way with the eldest or most distinguished lady of the party, while the brother accompanies the sister, placing her at her father’s left hand. The gentleman who is her artner for the first dance is usually a kinsman, and is selected by the mother. He may dance but once with her, nor is it proper for any other young gentleman to ask for this honor a second time. Visits of ceremony follow this entertainment, and are paid not only to the hostess, but to the young lady; but, as has been before stated, she has no card of her own during her first season in society, nor is she allowed to pay formal visits alone, neither may she receive gentlemen visit- ors without a chaperon. If her mother be una- ble to receive with her she declines the visit. If a chaperon other than the mother introduces and accompanies young ladies into society, her visit- ing card and theirs are left together, to show that they are inseparable for the season. The following winter the young lady may, if she chooses, have her own card, which she may leave for friends either alone or with those of other members of her family; but her card should not be engraved with her address; when necessary the street and number can be added in pencil. Previous to her debut a young girl is never seen at a party that is composed of mature peo- ple outside of her father’s house, nor is she pres- ent at festivities given at her own home, except it be on birthday anniversaries, holiday gather- ings, or marriages. THE BEST SOCIETY, 6i CHAPTER VI. PRIVATE BALLS. Any number over a hundred constitutes a large ball; below that number it is simply a ball, and under fifty, a dance. Formal calls precede the notes of invitation for a ball, which are sent out ten days or two weeks before the day appointed. The invitations may be written, but they are more frequently engraved. The sheets of note- paper should be small, or, if cards are used, they must be large and square. These are inclosed in two envelopes and sent either by post or the lady’s own servant. It is not considered proper to inclose one card of invitation to several per- sons, addressing them as Mrs. Blank and family, but each person whom you wish to invite must receive a card. The following form is used; Mrs. John Bright requests the pLasure of your company on Thursday evenhig^ December 6 th, at half past nine o' clock. Dancing. 29 North Street. 62 THE USAGES OF The word “ ball ” is never used on a card. Dancing or cotillion in one corner is all that is necessary. From nine to half past ten are the tisual hours named in notes of invitation to balls, and it is the duty of each person to arrive as soon as possible after the hour designated. This invitation must either be accepted or declined at once. Mr. and Mrs. William K. S^nith accept with pleasure {or decline with sincere regret) Mrs. John Bright's kind invitation for December 6 th. St. James Square. A rule that has no exception is the one which requires that should anything occur at the last moment to prevent the attendance of a person who has accepted an invitation, a regret shall be sent immediately. A married lady often asks for an invita- tion to some dance, to which she herself is invited, for a young lady staying with her, either a relative or a friend, and the answer is generally a card or a written permission to bring her. In the case of asking for invitations for gentlemen, if a lady is going to a ball, she can, without hesitation, ask for cards of invita- tion for one or two gentlemen friends of her own, mentioning their names in the note. In THE BEST SOCIETY, ^3 this case, also, the answer is generally in the affirmative, as men, if they dance, are always ac- quisitions at a ball. Invitations are constantly asked for by people for their friends, and some- times they are given, and sometimes they are re- fused on the plea that there is not a card to spare. If the giver of an entertainment wishes to oblige the petitioner, she will stretch a point to do so; if not, she will write a polite note of excuse. It is thoroughly understood that peo- ple do not ask for invitations for themselves, whatever they may do for their friends, and that they would not do so unless they were them- selves invited. Persons giving balls should be careful not to invite more than their rooms will accommodate. A few years ago a ball was not considered a suc- cess unless it was an over-crowded one; the pop- ularity of the ball-giver was shown by the guests scarcely being able to find standing room. To- day a crowded ball-room is styled a bear gar- den.” A lady is, however, usually safe to invite a fourth more than her rooms will hold, as that proportion of regrets are apt to .be received. The requisites for an agreeable ball are good ventilation, good arrangement, good floor, good music, and a good supper. A ball-room should have light paper, pale yellow is the best, and the light should come from the walls, as chandeliers throw a downward shadow. Dress and beauty are enhanced by proper colors and good light- ing. Few residences have ball-rooms attached to them, and where there is none, the drawing- room is used instead. All unnecessary furniture 64 THE USAGES OF should be removed, and the room decorated with growing flowers and cut blossoms, which add color and beauty to the scene. Upon the floor, of course, depends much of the enjoyment of the evening. An ingrain or Brussels carpet, covered with heavy unbleached muslin, makes the best surface for dancing, the next best to an oak floor well polished with beeswax. A carpet dance is never as good as a floor. A velvet or Turkey carpet, even with the best of covering, has too soft a surface, and, if possible, it should be re- moved; but if it is not convenient to do so, a lay- er of heavy paper should be placed between it and the muslin or canvas. About the music — four pieces are enough — the violin, piano, cornet, and violincello. Should a larger number be desired, the selection should be left to the leader of the orchestra. The musi- cians should be placed where they will be heard to the best advantage, but always put them out of the way. An awning to shelter the guests from the car- riage to the vestibule, and a carpet laid from the curbstone to the hall, are provided at all balls and parties, and, indeed, whenever ladies in full dress are expected. Upon the hostess devolves the duty of receiving the guests, although the host must remain within sight until after the ar- rivals are nearly over; the same duty devolves upon the sons, who that evening must share their attentions with all. Neither sons nor daughters should dance until their guests are supplied with partners. While the hostess is receiving, no one should remain near her except the members of THE BEST SOCIETY, 65 her family, as she is not expected to enter into conversation with each guest. After the usual greetings with the hostess, the guests occupy themselves with conversation un- til the young ladies have accepted partners for the dance. An applicant for this pleasure is al- ways careful to recognize the authority of the chaperon when making his request. No chap- eron who dances can do so, or make any engage- ment, until the young lady under her care is pro- vided with partners. In a ball-room, introduc- tions without a previous permission are allowa- ble, and a chaperon may present a gentleman to her charge, as she must provide her with all the partners she can. At the end of every dance a gentleman offers his right arm to his partner, and takes, at least, one turn around the room before consigning the young lady to her chaperon, or he may leave her with any lady whom she knows. At a private ball, a young lady cannot very well refuse to dance with any gentleman who in- vites her, unless she has a previous engagement or declines from weariness, and after she has re- fused one, she cannot accept another invitation for the same dance; she must be very careful not to forget her ball-room engagements. A gentle- man should invite the daughters of the house to dance, or any lady, if she dances, for whom the entertainment may have been given. It is also the duty of a gentleman to have himself pre- sented to every member of the family whom he does not know, if not upon the evening of the party, as soon after as is convenient. 66 THE USAGES OF As nothing must be handed in at a ball, a sup- per-room is indispensable; this is thrown open about half past twelve or one o’clock. Where it is possible, a tea-room, separate from the supper- room, is prepared, and light refreshments are served, also drinks to satisfy the varied tastes of a large company, as tea, coffee, chocolate, lem- onade and bouillon^ with cakes and sandwiches. If a tea-room is not prepared, wine and cakes are served from a side-table at the end of a hall. When supper is announced, the host leads the way with the lady — perhaps an elderly lady, a stranger or a bride — to whom he wishes to show special attention. As all the guests present could hardly be accommodated in the supper- room at the same time, they would go in as there was room made for them. When there is a crush, the gentlemen devote themselves to wait- ing upon the ladies, and take their supper later, after which the room is closed. It is customary for a young lady and her chap- eron to visit the refreshment-room with the gen- tleman with whom the young lady has last danced. Therefore he can make no engagement to take out any other unless his partner is al- ready engaged. A word just here about the duties of an escort. He must call for the lady and accompany her to the place of entertainment, go with her as far as the dressing-room, return to meet her there when she is prepared to go to the ball-room, dance the first dance with her, conduct her to the supper-room, unless, as has been said, she is taken there bv the gentleman with whom she THE BEST SOCIETY. 67 dances last, and be ready to take her home whenever she wishes to go. And this same gen- tleman — the escort — must call upon the young lady within the next two or three days. It is not usual, except for those who remain to the very end, to wish the hostess good-night. Those who leave last naturally make some remark as to the pleasure of the evening. Ceremonious leave-takings are always dispensed with at a large ball, but for a small dance, a parting bow is very civil and proper. Balls terminate by two or three o’clock. After a ball it is not enough to leave a card for the lady who has entertained you; a call in person the following day, or certainly within the week, is demanded If the lady who gives a party has no weekly reception day, it is the cus- tom for her to inclose with her invitation a card for one or more receptions a week or two later, that all the party calls may be made on that day. A lady removes her gloves when partaking of supper, but it is not necessary to do so when taking tea, or an ice in the tea-room previous to the supper. The difference between a ball and an evening party is that for the latter there may be dancing or not; at a ball there must be danc- ing. This amusement and a substantial supper constitute a ball. The evening party almost al- ways includes dancing, which seldom begins un- til after supper; music, conversation, etc., occu- py the earlier part of the evening. The dancing is ended, and all departures made by one o’clock at the latest. The note or card ol invitation is THE USAGES OF issued about a week or ten days previous to the appointed evening, and sent in a single envelope. The invitations are sent out in the name of the hostess, and are in form the same as those for a large ball, though in event of a small dance only being given, the words ‘‘small” or “early” are written or printed in one corner of the card. The person invited is requested to appear at nine and to depart at twelve; for instance, Mrs. Etc. requests the pleasure of Etc. on Tuesday even- ing, February fifth, from nine to twelve o’clock. If there is to be dancing, the word is written (or engraved, as the case may be) at the left-hand corner. Young men are not always as polite as they should be at balls. They ought, if well-bred, to look about and see if any lady has been left unattended at supper; to ask if they can go for refreshments; if they can lead a lady to a seat, go for a carriage, etc. It is not an impertinence for a young man thus to speak to a lady older than himself, even if he has not been intro- duced. Well-bred young men always say to the host- ess, at a ball, that they beg of her to introduce them to ladies who may be without partners, as they would gladly make themselves useful to her. After dancing with a lady and walking about the room with her a few times, a gentle- man is at perfect liberty to take the young lady back to her chaperon and plead another en- gagement. A young lady must not forget her ball-room engagements. She must be careful not to offend THE BEST SOCIETY. 69 one gentleman by refusing to dance with him, and then accept the offer of another. Such things prove that the young lady has not had the training of a gentlewoman. A hostess should move about during the even- ing, and contrive that her guests shall not be rooted to one chair. A hostess must not be fussy. She must never apologize for any shortcomings, nor regret that her rooms are small, or that her floor is poor, or say that she wishes they were richer and could entertain better. Let a simple entertainment be offered modest- ly, not apologized for. In places outside of the fashionable circles of the cities it is customary to have several moder- ate parties during the winter, instead of inviting every one you know on the same night. The invitations are usually given verbally, by a servant, two or three days before the one ap- pointed for the party. The hour of assembling — eight o’clock — is stated, and guests should take care to arrive as early as possible. Parties with verbal invitations and simple ar- rangements need cost but little, and as every one knows, they are usually very enjoyable. Ice-cream, cake and coffee are sufficient for a small entertainment. They can be improved, if necessary, with sandwiches, neatly cut and thin, ices, jellies and lemonade. To decorate the room with flowers, nature comes to the rescue. The mantel can be covered with moss, with a few flowers placed here and there; evergreens 70 THE [/SAGES OF can be used to ornament the hall and wind about the stair-railings. As for music, a man to play on the piano and another to play on the violin, will provide all that is necessary in this respect. If the hostess wishes something a little unusual, let her get up one of the new fancy dances, in costume, now so fash- ionable. At a dancing party, the ladies of the house de- cline joining in it, out of politeness to their guests, till toward the latter part of the evening, when the company begins to thin off and the dancers are fatigued. Ladies who are strangers in the place, are, by courtesy, entitled to partic- ular attention from those who may know them. It is the daughter’s part to keep the dancers going, to see that there are no awkward pauses; she must do nothing that is unkind or neglect- ful to her guests, and take care that every other girl has a partner. In the apartment prepared as a dressing-room for the ladies, a maid should be all the evening in attendance. The room must be well warmed (in winter), well lighted, and furnished with all that may be requisite for giving the last touches to head, feet and figure, previous to entering the parlor. In this room, besides the toilet glass, well lighted, let there be a hand-mirror, to ena- ble the ladies to see the back of their heads; an ample supply of pins, combs, brushes, hair-pins, etc., and a work-box containing needles and thread. Let there be bottles of fine eau-de-co- logne, and camphor and hartshorn, in case of faintings. THE BEST SOCIETY. 71 Among the furniture, have a sofa and several footstools for the ladies to sit on if they wish to change their shoes. The woman attending must take charge of the cloaks, shawls and overshoes, rolling up together the things that belong to each lady, and putting each bundle in some place they can easily re- member when wanted at the breaking up of the assembly. It is the custom for the lady of the house to be dressed rather plainly, showing no desire to eclipse any of the guests. But her attire, though simple, should be handsome, becoming, and in good taste. At large gatherings in the country it is proper for the mistress to introduce her guests to each other, and it is perfectly proper for her to do this without asking permission of either party. A mother always introduces her son or daugh- ter, a husband his wife, or a wife her husband, without asking permission. GERMANS. As its name suggests, this dance originated in Germany, where it is known by its proper appel- lation, the cotillion. It is the most fashionable dance in society, and usually ends every ball. The german differs very little in its etiquette from that of the party. Generally the early part of the evening is spent in waltzing, and after supper the german commences. The couples are seated around the sides of the room or rooms, leaving the center free for dancing. The con- 72 THE USAGES OF trol of the affair is in the hands of a gentleman called the leaden All being seated, the leader gives a signal to the musicians, who strike up a waltz or gallop. He then designates certain couples, who rise, as called upon, and dance; these couples are then said to be “ up.’' After a certain interval the leader gives a signal, and the couples dancing choose others, each lady a gen- tleman, and each gentleman a lady. This, of course, doubles the number on the floor. The leader then directs those dancing through some figure, for instance, an ordinary quadrille. At another signal from the leader the figure ^‘breaks up,” and a general waltz follows, in which one dances with the partner last chosen. At still another signal all on the floor return to their original seats, all the ladies being first con - ducted to their own seats by the gentlemen. The leader then has up ” another set of coup - les, who follow the lead of the preceding ones, and so on until every couple has been up and gone through the same forms. In most figures of the german, favors are used. During a favor figure, at some time indicated by the leader, and generally when those up ” in- vite those not “ up ” to dance, the favoring is done by gentlemen giving favors to the ladies and by ladies similarly complimenting the gen- tlemen. When the leader hands the favors for distribution to those dancers who are on the floor, the conferring of them on others who are not up is an invitation to dance. It is sometimes the custom to distribute them during every sec- ond figure, while in others they are an accom- THE BEST SOCIETY, 73 paniment of almost every figure put upon the floor. In choosing favors it is necessary, above all, to have a sufficiency of them. They should be chosen with taste, always avoiding an osten- tatious display. Besides the conventional german favor, usually certain combinations of colored silk and tinsel, worked into pleasing forms and devices, are given; there are also many toys and trinkets, which add very much to the fun of the occasion. Flowers can always be used; then there are fans, gilt charms, fancy baskets, deco'rated tambour- ines, painted silk sachets, and embroidered satin bags filled with bon-bons. For the gentlemen, decorations, Lt. Nicholas pipes, and lanterns filled with eau-de-cologne, etc. The more unique the favors the better. As the last favor of the evening, each lady can be presented with a basket of flowers. Of course, almost any sum may be expended for favors; very pretty ones may be procured by expending one to two dollars for each couple, while for three or four dollars for each couple, a very elegant german may be given. Figures ‘‘with properties” require especial preparation in the way of providing the neces- sary articles, such as flags, parasols, tapers, scarfs, aprons, fans, mirrors, or Japanese lan- terns. The figures that are styled “ simple ” re- quire no properties, or only such as can be found in the room, as chairs, handkerchiefs, etc. A leader of the dance should be a person who is familiar with your household appointments. One who understands the art of leading and the necessary requirements, says: “The leader 74 THE USAGES OE should have a fair amount of energy and a good temper, with a genius for invention, so that he may introduce new and pleasing figures. If peo- ple are stupid, he must take them by the hand and help them, that each and every figure may ‘ run on ’ in order. Do not allow this or that couple to drop out of the figure and waltz. Do not permit Mr. A. to slip off and dance with Miss C., when he rightfully should dance with Miss B. This sort of thing must not be permitted, because it breaks up your figures and destroys your german. If you lose your temper, you must fail. Keep your temper perfectly and always.” It is customary for the leader to stand with the hostess to receive the good-byes of the guests. The card of invitation is the same as that for a party, the german ” being engraved on the left-hand corner, with the hour when the dance is to commence. In making out the invitation list for a german, much more care should be ex- ercised than is required for an ordinary dancing party. Try and have an equal number of ladies and gentlemen. Where there is an excess of la- dies at a german, failure is a foregone conclu- sion. The invitations are sent out a week or ten days in advance; they should be at once accept- ed or declined, as it is very important for the success of a german that the hostess knows how many are coming. If you cannot go, send a re- gret immediately, that your place may be filled. Calls are made on the hostess on the first of her reception days; if she has no fixed time for re- ceiving, a call should be made, or cards left, within ten days. THE BEST SOCIETY, 75 CHAPTER VII. FANCY DRESS AND MASQUERADE BALLS, WITH A FEW SUGGESTIONS FOR COSTUMES. The invitations for a fancy dress party or a masquerade ball are usually issued from three to four weeks in advance to give ample time for preparing a costume. The invitation is the ordinary one for a party, with the words fancy dress or bal masque written at the usual left lower side. If, however, the party is to be an elaborate one, this announce- ment may be stated in a line of its own, extend- ing through the center of the invitation. Some- times the words, ordma'^y ball dress per7nitted^ are added to the invitation. To give a ball of this kind requires much pre- arrangement. The rooms should be decorated. Often the servants are put into the costumes of family retainers of the mediaeval period. The host and hostess should appear in costume and receive their guests near the door, with their family also in fancy dress. It is the custom of late for the mistress to arrange two or three sets of quadrilles. These should be rehearsed or 76 THE USAGES OF practiced in full costume before the night of the ball. The dancers in these quadrilles must arrive early, as their dance begins the ball. They may be attired as shepherds and shepherdesses, as a Louis Quinze hunting party, in the hunting dress of that period, or a quadrille of all nations may be arranged, the ladies and gentlemen wearing costumes of the same country dancing together. But the less fortunate one whose costume has not been arranged for her, and who has accept- ed, with pleasure,’’ a card of invitation to a fancy dress ball — she must turn her thoughts at once to the momentous question of costume, and many probably will be the misgivings as to the successful issue of the reflections and ultimate decision on the all important subject of dress. To each and all the great desideratum is origi- nality, a very difficult — nay, almost impossible object to attain in these high pressure days of art, culture and design, leaving out of the ques- tion the infinite vanity of fashion in form, color and material. There is, of course, the wide range of histori- cal and mythological characters to select from, all more or less well known and available for reproduction with the aid of existing wood-cuts and intricate printed descriptions; but to many the portrayal of these personages is undesirable when one considers the subsequent uselessness of the ornaments and other appropriate adjuncts to such characters. These costumes are only procured with trouble and expense, and cannot THE BEST SOCIETY. 77 afterward be fashioned over into wearing appar- el, owing to the peculiar cut of the garments worn by our ancestors in various periods, were they ^‘serf or peasant, mighty lord or dame of high degree.” A fancy, equally with an histor- ical dress, to be thoroughly successful, must be well thought out, and great attention given to minute details. A domino worn at masque balls is sometimes worn as a fancy dress. It is made in plain cot- ton goods, or in silk or satin. Princess shape, having often a Watteau pleat with cape, large hood and wide sleeves. It should be large and long enough to slip over the dress easily and hide it completely. A domino is usually in one color, as pink or blue; if it is black, it should be trimmed with a color. A description of some fancy costumes, easy of adjustment and easily procurable, may be some help in the way of suggestion. For a Contadina or Italian peasant — always a favorite dress — a short blue petticoat, trimmed gold braid, a mus- lin apron, a Roman scarf about the waist, a low, blue bodice, with shoulder straps, and worn over a white muslin chemisette, with long sleeves. The head-dress is usually made of white linen of oblong shape, the portion resting flat on the head lined with card-board, six inches square, the end plain, or having bands of lace across it. High-heeled shoes and coral and blue beads for ornament. A word just here regarding hair-dressing: For an Italian, the two plaits are tied with col- ored ribbon, and often entwined with coins or 78 THE USAGES OF beads. For classic costumes, the hair is gener- ally gathered in a knot at the nape of the neck and bound with a fillet, a few curls sometimes escaping at the back. For a gypsy or a druid- ess the hair hangs loosely down the back. For Undine, Winter, Snow, fairies and such charac- ters, the hair should be well powdered, after it has been dampened, with thin white starch. An Ice Maiden wears a short white dress of some thin material, and a veil of the same. Tulle covered with tufts of swan’s down, or what an- swers the purpose quite as well — white wadding, a girdle of falling icicles, with bracelets and chains of the same. The old-fashioned crystal candelabrum will furnish the icicles. For Christ- mas, an abundance of white tulle, swan’s down, or its plebian substitute, wadding, and holly leaves and berries. A fan painted with snow scenes and robins would be a suitable one to carry with such a dress. For Patience or a Dairymaid, a short chintz tunic, looped up over a petticoat of bright col- ors, a low bodice, laced in front, puffed sleeves, an apron of coquettish make, and a large straw hat with flowers. The maid of Athens would, of course, wear the classic Greek dress; a flowing skirt of white cashmere or nun’s veiling, the hem trimmed with gold braid in a Grecian design, the chiton or sleeveless jacket made in the same material as the dress. A gold belt, armlets, bracelets, a fillet on the head and sandals on the feet com- plete this very classic costume. The diploidon^ or flowing cloak, is sometimes worn instead of the THE BEST SOCIETY, 79 jacket. This is covered with silver stars and draped from the shoulders. A costume easily prepared for a gentleman is that of an Italian mute. A monk’s long white calico dress with pointed cap drawn over the head and face, with openings for the eyes and mouth A dress for a monk would be a long brown serge robe, with wide sleeves and a cord around the waist. A more elaborate dress would be the one for a cavalier of the time of Charles I. A long-waisted doublet, trunk hose of vel- vet, gemmed and rosetted shoes, or large cava- lier boots, wide at the top, with a fall of lace, a shoulder cloak of velvet, a Vandyck collar and cuffs of lace, a large hat, plumed, and with the hair in curls. Undine, or a Mermaid, should wear a dress of tulle looped over pale green with a lavish dis- play of grasses, sea- weed, coral, shells, and water- lilies. A veil of tulle hangs over the hair, which may be allowed to float about the shoulders, etc., but there must be water-lilies and sea-weed, no matter how next to impossible it may be to obtain them. A Wood Nymph. Green tulle evening dress, trimmed with leaves, wild flowers, blackberries, etc., forming a fringe round the train or tunic. The skirt should be bordered with a puffing, out of which peep violets, primroses and other spring flowers, and so arranged that they seem to grow; the bodice must be trimmed to match. Flow- ers to be placed in the hair, which should float on the hair, beneath a veil of green tulle. Nat- ural ivy may be used on this dress; each leaf 8o THE USAGES OF should be painted over with oil, and thoroughly dried; this makes them bright and shiny. The Telegraph. Short dress of blue and red satin, trimmed with bands of silver cloth and gold wires; the upper skirt of tulle, looped up with medallions representing the telegraph poles; a satin cap, with the word Telegraph worked in pearls. Pearl ornaments. The Planets. A white satin short skirt, bor- dered with a blue silk band and dotted with sil- ver stars; white gauze overskirt and plaited low bodice, besprinkled with stars; long wing-like sleeves to match; blue satin Swiss belt, cut in points, a star on each; blue coronet with stars; long veil with stars; necklace and bracelets of the same. For a dress of the time of Louis XIV., hoops were in fashion and sacques, also patches and very long gloves, the hair powdered and worn over high cushions. The following is the usual style for fancy balls: Satin petticoat, plain or quilted, with pearls, or with rows of lace across, headed by tulle puffings and roses. A velvet, brocaded, or satin train rounded in front, coming from the waist or like a Watteau sacque, trimmed with lace, the bodice low and square, the stom- acher pointed, with rows of ribbon across, a bow in the center; the sleeves to the elbow, with ruf- fles. A Marquise of this period would wear a pink silk skirt bordered with a lace flounce, caught up in Vandykes, with pink roses and silver tas- sels; long upper skirt of silver gauze, with strips of pink satin ribbon, and silver tassels and roses THE BEST SOCIETY. 8i keeping it in its place, low bodice; the hair powdered. For a Peasant Girl a linen striped skirt, blue, red and white; a red tunic, caught together, high at the back: square, sleeveless, blue cash- mere bodice, with velvet bows and trimmings; loose linen undersleeves, flat muslin cap, black velvet bracelets, and a black velvet band round the neck. For Guinevere (Idylls of the King). A dress ol gold tissue, velvet and brocade; the skirt long and flowing fastened from neck to hem with jeweled clasps if possible an emerald in each. Square-cut bodice, with jeweled bands around; sleeves tight at lower part, of a distinct color to the bodice. The upper portion slashed, and jew- els introduced; coronet of pearls; the hair in plaits. For Marguerite. A short skirt of cashmere, bordered with rows of black or contrasting vel- vet; long skirt over this, trimmed in same way, and caught up by means of a sarpel or pocket and girdle on the left side. The skirt is sewed to a long, close cuirass bodice, made of the same cashmere, coming well on to the hips, where it is trimmed with velvet. It is cut square at the neck, over a linen chemisette; the sleeves are made with horizontal puffs to the elbow, where a close-fitting portion of the sleeve meets them, and falls a little over the hand. The hair is worn in two long plaits. Gray cashmere could be used with black velvet, or white with blue. For Esmeralda. A gypsy dress in yellow, black and scarlet, made short, trimmed with 82 THE USAGES OF coins and gold braid. Black velvet band worn above and below the elbow; a sash of gold tis- sue tied about the hips. A tambourine carried in the hand. Moonlight. A silver-spangled tulle evening dress over white satin; a mantle of the same bor- dered with silver lace, attached to the shoulders of the low bodice; a white and silver scarf twisted around the head, fastened either with diamonds or silver crescents, which are also used for the front of the bodice and skirt; white satin shoes with crescents. Dark gray and sil- ver is a pretty combination for the character. For another costume personating Moonlight: A dress of soft white silk, trimmed and bordered with brown velvet cut in Vandykes, three-quar- ter moons in gold cloth or yellow silk appliqued on the velvet; a blue scarf around the waist, edged with gold, gold and silver-spangled tulle around the neck, small silver-spangled cap sur- mounted on one side by a crescent. A Moorish costume consists of a maize satin petticoat, embroidered with black; ruby velvet tunic and jacket trimmed with gold lace; Moor- ish embroidered sash, gold coins on the hair, and plenty of jewels. A Druidess is costumed in a long, flowing, cashmere robe, bordered with embroidered oak leaves; full, low bodice drawn to the neck by a string; a gold girdle, scarf with pointed ends floating over the right shoulder fastened with a brooch on the left, all trimmed with gold; gold armlets below the short sleeves, a wreath of oak THE BEST SOCIETY. 83 leaves. The dress must be gray or white, with a red scarf. For a calico ball, Shepherdess and Charity Girl costumes are appropriate. The invitation, of course, states the nature of the ball, but the word calico, for a ball, includes merino, with tin- sel trimming, and net and tarlatan may take the place of tulle. A pretty costume for a shep- herdess is composed of cream-colored cretonne for the underskirt. A tunic and square-cut bod- ice of pale-blue cretonne, a closely plaited chem- isette, and ruffles to finish the elbow sleeves, and includes high-heeled shoes with blue bows. Pow- dered hair with a wreath of roses fastened with a knot of blue ribbon, the crook twined with flowers. The Charity Girl costume consists of a blue frock reaching to the ankles, with a white cape, long apron and mob cap. A Watteau dress can be prepared without much difficulty; a skirt of muslin, with small pleated flounces to the waist; a sacque of silk with square-cut bodice pointed in front and trimmed with lace; elbow sleeves and ruffles, a muslin apron; narrow black velvet around the neck and wrists, and the hair powdered. For a more elaborate custom the undershirt must be of silk or satin, often quilted; it must be short, or just touching the ground. The sacque,which generally forms a part of a Watteau costume, which is indeed the distinctive feature, is fasten- ed to the bodice at the back in a double box pleat. It is long, and looped up as a tunic. For a child a representation of a butterfly cos- 84 THE USAGES OF tume is a pretty device. A short skirt of blue foulard, with an overskirt of gauze or tarlatan, a low bodice, with a waistband fastened in front with bows, and two wings made of gauze, edged with fine wire, silk stockings, and blue satin boots. Fancy dress parties for children are very much the fashion. The dresses worn are often suggested by the illustrated books. It is a good plan for a certain number of children to appear in the characters of some one fairy tale. Among the suitable costumes for children are Rainbow, Alphabet, Titania, Tambourine Girl, King Cole, a Herald and Cupid; for the latter a dress of blue and silver gauze smothered in roses, silver gauze wings, and the inevitable bow and arrow. Little Miss Muffet should wear a pale blue chintz or sateen dress, trimmed with gold lace, a muslin fichu and mitts, and a spider in the cap. A dress demanding more outlay of time and money would be one for Mary, Mary, quite contrary. A quilted petticoat with colored pict- ures of “ pretty maids all in a row,” bordered with silver cord; a satin tunic, with silver bells, having garlands of cockle-shells and prim- roses; the bodice low and square, with long sleeves trimmed to match, a satin hat with prim- roses, bells and cockle-shells; a silver chatelaine of hoe, spade, and watering-pot, a cockle-shell necklace, and mittens. Dresses copied from the Kate Greenaway books are always in favor. The skirts are nar- row, with long flounces, very short waists, a turn-down frill at the neck^ and the sleeves puffed, THE BEST SOCIETY. 85 CHAPTER VIII. OPERA AND THEATER PARTIES. Theater parties are generally given by bach- elors who have no homes to which they may in- vite guests, and who thus cancel some of their obligations to households from which they have received courteous hospitalities. If given by a bachelor, he first secures a matron to chaperon the young ladies of his proposed party. The young man who gives an entertainment of this sort must go about this undertaking with thoughtfulness, tact and a good balance to his credit. He will pay a visit to a famous restaur- ant, another to his florist’s and a third to the box-office of the theater where a new piece is to be brought out, say, that day fortnight. Then he will give the invitations in person, to fifteen, let us say, of the most charming and gracious of the ladies with whom he is most intimate, after the permission of the mother, that her daughter may be his guest, is obtained. It is proper to mention what married lady will ac- company them, and to give the names of the gentlemen of the party — fifteen of his brightest and most eligible male friends. The rendezvous assigned will be the chosen restaurant, possibly, 86 THE USAGES OE at six p. M. The ladies, if not attended by father or brother, are accompanied by a maid, who returns home in the carriage to come back for her mistress at the hour appointed, which is usually a half hour after midnight. In one of the upper chambers of the most sumptuous of all restaurants the party will sit down to the repast. The thermometer outside may be below zero, but the table will be brilliant and fragrant with a profusion and variety of flowers. But there can be little tarrying over the feast, for the play begins at eight. The ladies rise and are ushered into the adjacent withdrawing-room. There they find a long side-table that seems covered with flowers, and by it there stands trim, neat-handed young women from the establishment of the fashionable florist. There is found to be order in the seeming chaos of flowers upon the table. The giver of the entertainment has taken pains to ascertain the favorite flower of each of his fair guests, or in default of this knowledge has had regard to the tone of her complexion. Each lady finds a card with her name on it lying on a separate pile of flowers. The pile resolves into a great hand-bouquet, and a kind of shape of flowers, which, fastened deftly by the maids on the left side, reaches upward from near the waist, spreading wider as it rises, till the fern-sprays and the tips of the rosebuds, or the highest bells of the lily of the valley, fleck the graceful throat and all but brush the cheek. The carriages are announced and the cortege drives off to the selected theater. Either boxes THE BEST SOCIETY, 87 have been engaged or seats in the front row of the balcony. Possibly the broad top of the bal- cony parapet may be found hidden by an inlaid mosaic of flowers, on which, in front of each chair, lies a programme printed on scented sat- in. It may be that theater parties on a similar scale occupy the whole front row of the balcony, and the effect of such a spectacle is not easy to describe. When the play is over, the theater party, if the affair is a ‘‘ full powered ” one, does not disperse. No, it returns to the restaurant, where the din- ing-room is now found to be a ball-room, with music in readiness. Other guests may arrive, and waltz follows waltz, until about one o’clock the host of the evening modestly suggests that some slight refreshment may be found in an ad- jacent apartment. The slight repast is found in an elegant sup- per, served on a table not less lavish in its floral decorations than had been the dinner-table. By the time the plovers’ eggs, are reached, sundry baskets containing the presents for the now im- pending german ” have been conveyed into the ball-room. And the presents prove to be not gimcrack gewgaws, but souvenirs of real taste and substantial value. This lady, somehow, finds on her arm the bracelet of Mexican filagree work for which, the other day, she had expressed a longing; from that one’s wrist comes to dangle a fan which she had pronounced a few weeks be- fore to be just too lovely for anything.” It is a late, or, rather, an early hour before the parties separate, a gentleman accompanying each 88 THE USAGES OF young lady, provided only the maid calls for her with the carriage. If her father comes, the gen^ tleman who has been her attendant during the evening escorts her only to the carriage. He must call upon her within three days, or leave his card, if a visit be impossible. The gentle- man who gives the party must pay his respects and return thanks to mother and daughter with- in a week for the honor and pleasure he has re- ceived from his lady guests. All the members of the party call within a few days after upon the lady who chaperoned the company. A less elaborate party is the one which in- cludes only an after-supper. In this instance the host calls upon his proposed guest, and if his invitation is accepted — and it must also include a gentleman member of the family or a relative of the young lady — he leaves entrance tickets for the entertainment. The party meet in the box, where the lady who is chaperon receives them with the host. After the theater a supper is served to them at some fashionable resort, and the hour for returning home is decided upon by the matron of the even- ing. The style of opera or theater party is by far the most popular, and is, of course, less ex- pensive and troublesome to both host and guests. If these parties are given by a lady in her own home, the invitations are issued by informal notes in her own name, and a dinner precedes the public amusement. After the theater the party is invited to return home with her for an THE BEST SOCIETY, 89 i\iformal supper. Party calls follow in the usual manner. A word here about dress for the theater: If a gentleman invites a lady to attend the opera, he mist tell her what place he is to offer her; if it is a seat in a box she must at least wear a light opera cloak, even if she does not array herself in full evening dress. For matinees the dress should be as elegant as for morning calls, and a bonnet is always worn, even by those who occupy boxes, bu: it may be as dressy as one chooses to make it. In the evening ladies are at liberty to wear evening dress, with ornaments in their hair, in- stead of wearing a bonnet. It is not considered a breach of etiquette for a gentleman to escort ladies to the opera by any one of the public con- veyances, provided street toilets are worn. go THE USAGES OF CHAPTER IX. DINNER AND DINNER-GIVING. The invitations for formal dinners, which are in order from December until March, are sent out ten days or two weeks in advance. The invitations can be either written or en- graved. Ladies who give many dinner parties always have the engraved invitations with blanks left for the written insertion of the name of the guest and the date. The invitations are in the name of both host and hostess, but the answers are addressed to the hostess only. The follow- ing is the usual formula: Mr. and Mrs. James Bennet requests the pleasure of Mr. and Mrs. John Wood's company at dinner on Thursday.^ January tenths at seven d clock. The usual hours for a dinner are six, seven, or eight, and the number of guests to invite for a dinner party, not less than six nor more than THE BEST SOCIETY, 91 twenty; fourteen is the orthodox number. No gentleman is ever invited without his wife, when other ladies than those of the family are present. If the party is given for a friend or distin- guished person, upon an extra card, but inclosed in the same envelope with the invitation, is writ- ten: To meet Mr, . If the dinner is a very ceremonious entertain- ment, the name of the honored guest will be en- graved upon the note of invitation. An invitation for dinner should be answered as soon as read, and formally accepted or de- clined in the following style: Mr. and Mrs. John Wood accept with pleasure {or decline with sincere regret^ Mr, and Mrs. James Bennetf s invitation Jor dinner on January tenth., at 7 d clock. If anything happens to prevent one from at- tending a dinner after having accepted the in- vitation, a note written in the first person must be dispatched as quickly as possible to the host- ess, that she may fill the place. Etiquette demands a call from each guest 92 THE USAGES OF within a week, after the dinner, whether the in- vitation was accepted or not. Full evening cos- tume is required, and ladies wear gloves, which are removed at the table and need not be worn again during the evening. There should be an interval of five or ten min- utes between the arrival and the dinner hour. On the arrival of the guests at the house, each gentleman receives from a servant a card written with his name and that of the lady whom he is to take in to dinner; he also receives a small boutonniere. If the gentleman is not acquainted with the lady whom he is to escort to the table, he asks the host to introduce him, and converses with her until dinner is announced by the but- ler. This functionary stands at the entrance to the drawing-room, which opens toward the din- ing-room, and bows to the host, who is antici- pating this information. The host offers his left arm to the lady for whom the dinner is given or to the most distinguished guest present; the others follow, walking arm-in-arm to their places, if the room allows it, if not, the gentleman fol- lows the lady. The hostess comes last with the gentleman who is entitled to the most consider- ation. A gentleman offers his left arm to a lady, and places her at his right. The guests do not, as formerly, wait for the hostess to reach her place, but take their seats at once, only the gen- tlemen stand until the hostess is seated. Each pair find their assigned place by the card which awaits them, assisted by information previously given by the host in regard to the side of the ta- ble chosen for them. THE BEST SOCIETY, 93 It is only for a very informal dinner that no seats are assigned. A card with the name of the guest is laid at each plate. The menu card is usually hidden beneath it. The seats of the host and hostess may be at the middle, on oppo- site sides of the table, or at the ends. Should two persons unknown to each other find them- selves placed side by side at table, they may en- ter into conversation without any introduction. A gentleman will see that the lady whom he es- corts to dinner is provided with all she wishes, but where there are well-trained servants, one guest does not have to look out for the comfort of another. All formal dinners are served a la Russe^ that is, everything is handed by the servants, and nothing is seen on the table but the fruit, flowers and sweets. Hence the modern dinner-table presents a picturesque appearance, with its lav- ish display of flowers, shaded tapers, glittering array of wine-glasses of various hues, flagons of ruby glass bound with gold, and rare china of Sevres, Dresden, or turquoise and gold. The lace or openwork table-cloth is spread over a heavy colored groundwork, with a mat of velvet or plush under the silver epergni or center-piece. A long strip of Indian embroidery, rich with gold and brilliant colors, is used, and with fine effect for a table mat. Only the center of the table is thus covered, and on this a large silver salver lined with mirrors may be placed, with the epergn^ filled with fruit and flowers in the middle. , When no colored mat is used, it is customary 94 THE [/SAGES OF to lay flowers on the cloth, with a wreath of odorless blossoms around each plate, and each lady is provided with a corsage bouquet, or a pretty fan covered with flowers. A plate, one large enough to hold the majolica plate for the oysters, is put at each place, and at the left are laid two knives, three forks, and a soup spoon, all of silver. The napkin, which is simply fold- ed, with a dinner roll, is also put at the left. The goblet for water and the wine-glasses are placed at the right. There are two glasses for champagne, one for the hock, a ruby-red one for claret, and three wine-glasses. Half globed- shaped water-goblets, beautifully engraved, are growing in favor among those who delight in delicate glassware. White wine is served with oysters, sherry with soup, hock with fish. Burgundy with game, and claret and champagne with the dessert, and port with cheese. Many like old Madeira before the sweets, although others serve it after the dessert. For less elaborate dinners sherry for the soup and red wine or champagne are sufficient. The servant hands the wine at the right of the guest — everything else is passed at the left — mention- ing the name of the wine, and pouring it imme- diately unless told not to do so. Do not take wine unless you intend to drink it. Oii a side table is placed the wine decanter for use ; spark- ling wines, as hock and champagne, are kept in ice-pails, and opened as required. Lumps of ice should never be put in any glasses excepting those for water. All wine-glasses, except those THE BEST SOCIETY. 95 for the champagne and Madeira, are removed just before the dessert. At each plate is also a china or silver salt-cel- lar; no condiment except salt is put on the ta- ble. A servant passes black and red pepper with the soup. Upon side tables are placed all the accessories of the dinner-table — forks, knives, table and des- sert spoons, goblets, wine-glasses, napkins, and the reserve of dinner plates, the coffee-cups and saucers, and the dessert plates, each with a doily and finger-bowl placed on it; the hors d' cEuvres or dainty dishes, olives, radishes, sardines, cel- ery, and jellies are also on the side table. At another table the chief servant divides the fish and carves \\\^ piece de resistance., as the main dish is called; it may be a saddle of mutton, a fillet of beef, a haunch of venison, or a turkey, or, very probably, all four. The chief waiter, or butler, as it is easier to call him, is supposed to help the soup, to carve, and pour the wine. Where there is a butler one servant to every four or six persons is enough. The following is a definition of a very important adjunct to a din- ner-table: ‘‘ K good servant avoids coughing, breathing hard, or treading on a lady’s dress; he never lets any article drop, and deposits glasses, forks, knives and spoons noiselessly. Rapidity, dexterity, and, above everything, quietness, add- ed to a knowledge of their duties, form the requisites of good butlers and servants.” They wear thin-soled shoes, do not wear gloves, but use a damask napkin with one corner wrapped around the thumb, that they may not touch the 96 THE [/SAGES OF plates with the bare hand. Both the cook and butler must be provided with a carefully written- out menu, that of the butler including the wines against each course. If, as is often the case, the dinner is served by a caterer, the hosts have lit- tle or no responsibility, and nothing to do but to be agreeable. The menu is no longer printed on the dinner or name card, as the latter is kept as a souvenir of the occasion. It is hardly expected that a paper on etiquette will give bills of fair, but per- haps it may not be amiss to mention the courses in order, with the French, and English names of each. Every one knows, of course, that a din- ner commences with huitres^ oysters, followed by poiage^ soup; hors d oeuvres, dainty dishes; pois- son, fish; entre/s, main dishes; entremets, vegeta- bles; sorbet, punch; roti, roast; gibier, game; salades, salads; fruits et dessert, fruits and des- sert; fromage, cheese," cafe, coffee. The servants, in passing the dishes, commence with the guest upon the right of the master, ending with the lady of the house and with the guest upon her right, ending with the host. Raw oysters with a piece of lemon in the center of the plate are already served, and each guest begins at once to eat. When the oyster plates are removed, two soups are passed, so that each person has a choice, and two kinds of fish are offered, and so on through a dinner of from ten to sixteen courses — ten is the usual number. After the soup one may accept or de- cline whatever follows. At a dinner it is always THE BEST SOCIETY. 97 proper to ask for bread, for water, or cham- pagne. Hot dinner plates are prepared when the fish is removed, and on these plates the meats are served. After each entree and course the waiter rings a bell, which goes to the kitchen, which is a signal to the cook to send up the next course hot. As the plates are removed they are not kept in the dining-room, but are sent at once to the kitchen; a large basket or two for removing the dishes and silver must not be forgotten, with a maid standing at the door to carry them to the kitchen. As each plate is removed a fresh one is put in its place. A servant passes the entrees^ each guest helping himself. Before the roast and the game Roman punch is served as an appetizer, and after the game the salad is brought on in a silver dish; bread or biscuits and butter are passed at the same time. Before the dessert a servant should remove the crumbs and another with a salver removes all the glasses, except those for the champagne or Madeira or the glass for water, and then the dessert plates with the finger-bowls are put on the table with a silver dessert knife and fork. The bowl and doily are removed at once and placed at the left. The water in the finger- glasses should be tinted and faintly perfumed with rosewater. After making use of the finger- bowl the fingers should be wiped on the dinner napkin, not on the doily, which is for the fruit. After the ices, grapes, pears, and other fruits are passed, and then the bon-bons. Fruit is cut 98 THE USAGES OF with a silver knife — but eaten with the fingers; apples and peaches should always be peeled be- fore eating. In eating that awkward fruit, an orange, divide it into eighths, or into halves, and eat with a spoon in the Florida fashion. The dessert is followed by liquors, which should be passed on a salver and poured into very small glasses. If the dinner has been a very long one — and sometimes the meal lasts from seven until half-past ten — coffee is not served at the table, but in the parlor. The gen- tlemen remain in the dining-room to smoke, after the ladies have withdrawn, and the two parties take their coffee separately half an hour or so after dinner. If it is an early dinner, and a theater or opera party follows, coffee is served at the table. When the dinner is over the hostess bows to the lady at the right of the host, rises, and all rise also. The gentlemen stand until the ladies have left the apartment, or they conduct them to the door and then return to smoke, or retire to another room for that purpose. After coffee, guests may, at any time, take their leave, and all depart within two hours after dinner. If a person is obliged to leave early, the hostess is informed, if possible, before dinner, and the guest may then depart, without any formal leaving taking, as the departure of one often breaks up the party. And this ends the dinner of ceremony. But there are dinners and dinners, and pos- sibly the simpler ones, prepared in the house TH£: BEST SOCIETY, Q9 and served by the servants of the family, if the least expensive, are the most enjoyable. To achieve success in giving a dinner, it is well to remember that quantity is not quality and profusion is not elegance. A dinner of six courses may be delightful and enjoyable, while one of fifteen or twenty, may be an utter fail- ure. lOO THE USAGES OF CHAPTER X. TABLE DECORATION. The most pleasing phase of the art mania of the day to an educated house mistress is the great importance attached to decoration for the table. Hence a woman, though she can neither paint nor embroider, may have full scope for any artistic talent lying dormant in her nature. Formerly when massive center pieces, filled with a variety of flowers were the only orna- ments of a table, ladies gave but little attention to the arrangement, provided there was a cer- tain amount of symmetry in the mass, and a few ferns or waving grasses striking out at in- tervals to relieve the more solid part. Now, artists who have made a name in their profes- sion do not think it beneath them to superin- tend the decorative part of the dinner table, and such anomalies as a cabbage-like dahlia resting on a delicate spray of maidenhair, or an ex- quisite gloire de dijon overshadowed by a red and yellow tulip are all things of the past. For extensive decoration, unless flowers that blend well can be procured, nothing is so effect- ive as a mass of the same flowers — violets, prim- THE BEST SOCIETY. lOI roses, forget-me-nots, can all be massed and made to look so very lovely. Trails of ivy down the length of a table are very effective, but in a heated room they smell unpleasantly. All flowers with a strong or peculiar odor should be avoided as they spoil the appetite of a very delicate or sensitive person. For a small table and a small party, it is best not to overdo decoration. A bed of moss in the center looks well with flowers put in naturally as if growing, and the dessert placed in and out in low dishes, with the prettiest bits of moss arranged among the layers of the fruit. The moss must be very damp, and to prevent injury to the table cover, a piece of oiled silk is used. The latter must be carefully spread out to dry before it is put away, and the moss should be immured in water, when it will last for many weeks, and answer the same purpose again and again. Clusters of primroses, long sprays of violets and leaves, or any small pretty woodland flower comes in for this style of decoration; even pretty and graceful leaves alone, are not to be despised when other adornment is impossible. Strips of velvet, satin or plush look handsome on a table, when the blossoms laid on them con- trast or harmonize well with the ground. For- get-me-nots on blue plush with sprays of pale, pink roses are charming; not arranged in straight line, but with a circular center and four arms radiating from it toward the corners of the table. Of course this style requires perfect flowers, as they must lie as they are cut. Moss can very prettily be substituted for the plush; 102 THE USAGES OF then bits of maidenhair fern and flowers that grow close to a central stalk, such as hyacinths and lilies can be used, each separate flower be- ing inserted in the moss. A pretty decoration for a lunch-table is to put the moss in the shape of a St. Andrew’s cross studded all over with common field daisies; be- tween the arms of the cross, put slender green vases holding daisies. The glass troughs made in semi-circular and line forms are very useful, as they can be ar- ranged with flowers in several different ways. Shallow oval or circular glass plates are still more useful, as they can be placed here and there among dessert dishes. Another pretty fancy is to have tiny gilded wicker baskets dot- ted about the table, half full of wet sand. Place moss on the plates and then put in light and graceful blossoms, as lily-of-the-valley, cycla- men or hawbells, etc., mixing them with delicate blades of grass and fern. Daffodils, with their rich gold color, are too pretty to be passed over, but are better fitted for lighting up a dark corner in a room than for the dinner-table. If they are used for the table, they should be placed in a tall jar or vase, as a short-stalked daffodil is an anomaly. The tint of the jar should be in harmony with the flower, a rich moss green or a deep brown. One of the prettiest combina- tions of color is got by mixing dark wall flowers and daffodils in the same vase. The simplest and seemingly most insignificant flower that grows can be made to look lovely in a room, with a little care and taste in arranging THE BEST SOCIETY 103 and no table should be without a few flowers. Their presence is especially welcomed at the breakfast-table, and may prove a pleasant inspi- ration for the day. A pretty fancy in floral decorations for a din ner-table is to have roses of different colors, with the long stems and leaves, laid around the edge of the table. For instance, one large rose beside each plate, a red, white, yellow, and so on, the stem of one flower touching the leaves of another. On the very edge of the table is a border of smilax. The central flower decoration is now often omitted. That roses and pinks, violets and lilies should be used, goes without saying; for they are always delightful. A very pretty effect is obtained by arranging the flowers, usu- ally roses, in jars and bowls of dark-red, lus- trous china. For a dinner-table, there is no light to be com- pared to the soft radiance of plenty of candles. They should be in brackets tall enough to be above the level of the eyes, and should be of a kind that does not flicker nor run. The light from the sideboard and sides of the room should be sufficient to prevent shadows from being cast on the table. Everybody and everything looks so much better in the mild light of wax or com- posite, it is worth while trying to have it. Two large silver candelabra, holding perhaps a dozen candles apiece, should be placed at either end of the center-piece. These contain the finest of wax candles, which are lighted just be- fore dinner is served. Near the ends of the table are smaller candelabra, with a half dozen 104 THE [/SAGES OF candles, each having a rose-colored shade sup- ported by a silver rod, which clasps the candle near the bottom. The nuts, sugar-plums, and candied fruits in silver vases with centers of cut glass are also a part of the table decoration, and are arranged on both sides of the table. TABLE ETIQUETTE. People who are otherwise very well bred often make little mistakes in their manners at the table, not because they do not really know any better, but because they do not consider table etiquette of enough importance to be fully posted in its fashions and changes, and think that if they do not put their knives in their mouths, and do not drink soup from the end of their spoons, they are behaving properly. Now this is a mistake. Etiquette at the table should be very closely observed; for there is nothing that marks the true lady or gentleman, the really well-bred man or woman, as his or her manners at the table. How often has it been our luck to see people whom we have fondly imagined the perfection of good breeding, act in a manner at the table that has thoroughly disgusted us, and dispelled all our fond illusions. On the other hand, it has been our good fortune to meet a man or woman whose manners have not impressed us as being particularly polished or high-bred, but who, at the table, would behave with such delicacy and perfection of manners that he or she would at once be set down as having much good breed- ing.” THE BEST SOCIETY. 105 The trouble with us Americans is that we are in entirely too much of a hurry with everything we do. We live at a railroad speed, and when- ever we can we eat correspondingly fast. Some of us do this to save time; others, because it is a habit. Oftentimes, at dinner, one will see his neighbor eating away, as if his very life depended upon his swallowing a certain amount of food in a certain number of minutes. This habit of eat- ing fast — aside from its being very ill-bred — is a very bad one. It ruins the digestion, brings on a number of diseases, and really shortens the life of any one who continually practices it. In the first place, one of the fundamental rules to observe is the manner of sitting down at the table. One should not sit on the edge of her chair; nor sideways; nor should her back rest continually on the back of her chair. An easy, upright position is the proper one. The feet should rest on the floor, and one should sit far enough away from her plate to enable her to use her knife and fork without awkwardness. Though it is generally supposed that every one calling himself well-bred knows that in using the knife and fork, a movement of the wrist, and not of the elbow, is the proper thing, we occasional- ly see people using their elbows vigorously. The handle of the knife should repose in the center of the hand, and no part of the hand should touch the knife above the handle. In using a fork, only the half of the handle is covered by the hand. You must not break bread into soup, nor tip THE USAGES OF io6 the soup plate, as the last mouthful must not be devoured. An egg must not be broken into a cup or glass, but eat it always from the shell. While certain forms of table etiquette may seem altogether conventional, even fantastic, the forms usually observed are founded on good sense and delicacy of feeling, and the failure to adopt them argues a lack of fine perceptions or social insight. One of these is eating or drink- ing audibly. No sensitive person can hear any one taking his soup, coffee or other liquid with^ out positive annoyance. Let your teaspoon remain in your saucer, not in your cup. It is proper to drink from the cup and not from the spoon. Eat nothing with a spoon that can be eaten with a fork. All pies are eaten with a fork only^ and all puddings except custards. Jellies, no matter how hard, are not, however, eaten with a fork, but with a spoon; but cheese is eaten with a fork. Ladies seldom take cheese at a dinner party. Ices should always be eaten with a fork. Celery, olives, and radishes are always eaten with the fingers. Celery is now served in low vegetable-like dishes, and not in a tall glass. Jelly or vegetables should not be served on small separate plates. A whole slice of bread or biscuit or muffin should not be buttered at once. Small pieces should be broken and a bit of butter put on as they are eaten, one by one. All bread should be broken and not cut. When passing the plate a second time, the THE BEST SOCIETY. 107 knife and fork are retained, or the knife only. But at a ceremonious dinner, no one passes his plate — the servant brings the food to the guest; but at an informal dinner, the knife and fork (or knife only) are held in one hand while passing the plate. Do not ask your neighbor to pass anything to you if there is a servant present. A steel knife is never used for fish. A silver one should be placed by the side of each plate for the fish course, or the bits of fish taken up with the fork and a morsel of bread. A wine-glass is held by the stem, and not by the bowl. If a napkin ring is given, the napkin is folded and placed in it; but if not, the napkin is left unfolded at the left side of the plate. As a hostess, do not press food upon a guest. As a guest, you need not thank host or hostess for your dinner; but on leaving, it is only polite to express pleasure in the entertainment. The dining-room must not be too warm nor the lights too glaring, if a hostess wishes her dinner to be a success. These matters require attention, and are almost as important as that the cook be good and the company congenial. People experienced in dinner giving are apt to neglect the regulation of temperature. A chilly atmosphere will paralyze all the conversation, and an over-heated room is equally bad. The temperature of the room should be neither below sixty-eight nor above seventy degrees. The invention of the extension table in our long narrow dining-rooms has led to the expul- sion of the pretty round table, which is of all io8 THE USAGES OF others, the most cheerful. If any lady has a large square room, she should have a round table. The extension table, however, is almost inevitable, and one of the ordinary size, with two leaves folded, will seat twelve people. Every additional leaf gives room for four more people. Iced lemonade is far more satisfying and agreeable, on a sultry day, if served in small, thin glasses, from a pretty punch bowl, than when poured from a pitcher into the old-fash- ioned goblet. There are families, though, who haven’t the punch-bowl, and cannot afford to buy it. In one such household a soup tureen belonging to an old set of blue china supplies its place effectively, and with dainty glasses on an attractive Japanese tray, the cooling beverage does much to make a hastily prepared lunch sat- isfying to the aesthetic sense, as well as the material appetite of the unexpected guest. There is something graceful and kindly in the little attention by which one guest silently puts by his neighbor all that he may require. I consider it a better opentng to ultimate friendship, if my unknown neighbor quietly passes me the salt, or silently understands that I like sugar to my soup, than if he had been in- troduced by his full name and title, and labelled with the one distinguishing action or book of his life.” With regard to the size of plates and meat dishes, we cannot do better than copy the French. A roast fowl requires a small oval dish; a pair of fowls, a wide one; a fillet of veaL a THE BEST SOCIETY. log round dish; game without gravy, a flat one; a roast, a dish with a well. Single specimens of tall flowers are, for table decoration, the most interesting. As much as possible of the plant should be shown, therefore glass is better than china. It is a great merit in a dessert service to have a large variety of shapes in the dishes. A long, narrow tray makes a pleasant variety. The open wicker-work of the basket-shaped dish lets the lovely colors of a peach or ripe apple peep through. Water and salt should be within the reach of everybody at the table, and should never require to be passed. Glass always seems the appropriate material of which to make a vessel for holding water. Salt also seems to look best in glass. Among half a dozen salt cellars on a table, there need be no two quite alike; but all should come under the rule which prescribes that they are emptied after every meal. Cruet stands are convenient, but we much prefer to see mustard and pepper in small de- tached vessels at various places on the table. By attention to small details, a very humble repast may be most elegant. A silver bread- basket for the thin slices of bread, a pretty cheese dish, a napkin around the cheese, pats of butter in a pretty dish, flowers in vases, fruits neatly served. These things cost little, but they add a zest to the pleasures of the table. The tablecloth should be of white damask, for no THE USAGES OF dinner; colored cloths are permissible only for tea and breakfast. Breakfast napkins are of a smaller size than dinner napkins. Large, white napkins are invariably used at luncheon. Very little starch should be put in napkins. No one wishes to wipe a delicate lip on a board; and a stiff napkin is very like that commodity. At a fashionable meal the napkin, at the end of the repast, is left unfolded. At a social tea or breakfast, if the hostess folds her napkin, the guests follow her example. At a fashionable dinner no one folds his nap- kin. Ostentatious display of silver is bad taste at a country dinner. Glass dishes are much more elegant and appropriate. Goblets should be placed right side up. A half ladleful of soup is enough to serve, un- less it is a country dinner, where a full ladleful may be given without offence; but do not fill the soup-plate. In using a spoon^ be very careful not to put it too far into the mouth. Avoid the appearance of self-engrossment or of abstraction while eating, and for the sake of health of mind and body, acquire the practice of a cheerful interchange of both civilities and ideas with those who may be even temporarily your associates. A gentleman, at dinner, is expected to be very attentive to the lady at his right; to pass any- THE BEST SOCIETY, III thing needful to the lady at his left, and to be very amiable to the lady opposite. A gentleman, in seating himself at table, should look down to see if he has placed the foot of his chair on the dress of the lady sitting next to him, and if he has done so, he must remove it instantly, that her dress may not be torn when she attempts to rise. Never overload the plate of a guest, or any person you would serve. It is not a delicate compliment. If you are to serve game, or any rarity of which the supply is limited, use discre- tion, that all may enjoy some of it. Never press people unduly to eat or drink. The fork should never be overloaded. It is an unhealthy and an ill mannered habit to pack meat and vegetables on the fork. A knife and fork are both used in eating salad, if it is not cut up before serving. A large lettuce leaf cannot be easily managed without a knife, and, of course, the fork must be used to carry it to the mouth. Thus, as bread, butter and cheese are served with the salad, the knife and fork are really essential. For a country dinner, the table should be set near a window or windows, if possible; in fine weather, in the hall or on the wide veranda. If the veranda has long windows the servant can pass in and out easily. Soup for a country dinner should be clear bouillon, with macaroni and cheese, or julienne, which has in it all the vegetables of the season. Heavy mock-turtle, bean soup or ox-tail soup are not in order for a country dinner. The soup 112 THE USAGES OF should be made the day before, and all the grease removed when the stock is cold. It is better in a country house to have some cold dish that will serve as a resource if the cook should leave. The large family of salads help to make the dinner delightful. The lady who has conquered the salad question may laugh at the caprices of cooks. What is as good as an egg salad for a hungry company? Boil the eggs hard and slice them, cover with a mayonnaise dressing, and put a few lettuce leaves about the plate, and you have a sustaining meal. For desserts there is an almost endless succes- sion, and with cream in her dairy and an ice- cream freezer in her kitchen, the housekeeper must not lack delicate and delicious dishes. No hot puddings should be served, or heavy pies. Cold custards, charlotte russe, and creams stif- fened with gelatine and delicately flavored are very nice for a summer dinner. THE BEST SOCIETY, 113 CHAPTER XI. LUNCHEONS, BREAKFASTS AND TEAS. Luncheon, or dijtuner a la four chette is rather a lady’s meal, although in reality invitations are given as generally to the one sex as to the other. The predominance of ladies at luncheon is due to the fact that the majority of youths and men are too much engaged at this hour of the day to be at liberty to accept invitations to luncheon. This institution of luncheon is invaluable to people who have many friends, acquaintances and relatives to entertain, as invitations to this meal are given for any day in the week, visits or without ceremony, with long notice or short notice, or on the spur of the moment. People are flattered at being asked to lunch- eon. They consider it friendly and sociable, and accepting such invitations entails neither trouble nor expense. Ladies can enjoy the society of their hostess far more than at dinners. At luncheon she makes general conversation with all her guests; at the latter she is monopolized by the one or two who are seated near her. The invitations to luncheon are generally written by the hostess on her own note-paper, in a very informal style. THE USAGES OF 114 If the luncheon, however, is to be one of cer^ emony, then there is no choice, the invitations must be engraved and sent out a week before the day appointed, and answered immediately, as they are of importance, and require as prompt attention as the imperative dinner invitations, for should you decline another may be invited in your place. A lady having accepted an invita- tion to a luncheon, must not absent herself with- out some good reason, nor must she neglect the after call, which it is necessary to make upon the hostess within the week, or uoon her first re- ception day. Usually, ladies only receive invitations to a luncheon party, although gentlemen are occa- sionally invited. The following is an appropri- ate form for the hostess to use: Mrs. Brown requests the pleasure of your company at luncheon on Tuesday., February fifth., to meet {^possibly the party is given for a friendi) Miss , One d clock. 95 Sussex Place, Walking or carriage Costumes are worn, and bonnets may be retained; gloves are removed at the table. Ladies wno are intimate with the hostess, ar- rive about thirty minutes before the luncheon THE BEST SOCIETY, ii5 hour, to enjoy a little chat with her. There is no formal going in to lunch; the hostess leads the way to the dining-room, with the honored guest on her right; the ladies go down together, chatting the while; the gentlemen follow. When gentlemen are present, they seat themselves by the ladies; but all formality is dispensed with. The host and hostess, however, retain their places at the top and bottom of the table, as at dinner. In some houses, the servants waii at table, in others a sort of compromise is made, and the servants remain only a part of the time, and after they leave the room, the guests wait upon themselves and each other. The luncheon table must be decked with flowers, which, however, are not arranged in very particular order, but in charming confusion. Favors are occasionally provided for the ladies; for instance, gilded straw gondolas filled with roses, satin bags of bonbons, or fans, each one decorated with the monogram of the person for whom it is intended. Menus are not necessary, although often used, and the luncheon, like a dinner, may be served a la Russe, and often as many courses are pro- vided as for a dinner. There are fewer wines, and the bouillon is put in cups. The soup is followed by rissoles of sweetbreads, cutlets with Saratoga potatoes, oyster croquettes, hot rolls, muffins, ices, fruit and coffee. If the luncheon is very informal, a cold one is more often prepared, and is, of course, much more convenient. The menu would include lob- THE USAGES OF Ii6 Star and chicken salad, cold ham and pressed meats, ices, blanc-mange, tea and coffee, and an etc., which means that each housekeeper has her own particular dishes, and it is unnecessary for another to attempt to give any bill of fare; al- though one might, byway of addenda^ suggest paid de fois gras, sandwiches, and cake. Some ladies are inconsiderate enough to pro- long their stay after luncheon an indefinite time. Having no particular engagements themselves, they are quite oblivious of those of their hostess. The most polite thing to do is to leave within ten minutes or so after quitting the dining-room. Leave-taking should always be as short as pos- sible. While usually ladies only are invited to a luncheon, both ladies and gentlemen may be guests at a breakfast party. The hour for a for- mal affair of this kind, is ten or a half hour later. The invitations are sent out five days before the one named for the breakfast, and are informal notes, or if writing cards are used, below the name is written: Breakfast Tuesday at ten d clock, March 4th. The invitations require an immediate acknowl- edgement and a call within ten days after the en- tertainment. A breakfast is even a more infor- mal meal than a luncheon, and is attended with little or no ceremony. The table cannot be too dainty in all its appointments. The dishes THE BEST SOCIETY, 117 nutritive, succulent, inviting to the palate. The charm of variety is not neglected, but nothing heavy or excessive in quantity should be pre- pared. Jiblets and cream and pomegranates may be numbered with the hors d' oeuvres or delica- cies. If the breakfast is a feast, not elaborate, but falling little short of it, the courses are served as for a dinner, but less in number. The same courtesy between the hosts and their guests is observed as for a dinner. The host conducts the eldest lady, or if the host is not present, the lady of the house leads the way to the breakfast-room accompanied by a guest — either a lady or a gentleman. If ladies and gentlemen are equal in number, the hostess arranges for partners at table; and in case there are a number of guests, cards are placed at the proper plates, where every person will find his or her name. If there are only a few gentlemen present, ladies are informed of their lady partners by the hostess, and they seek their assigned positions at table as usual. Af- ter returning to the drawing-room, the guests depart within half an hour. Nowadays, even at breakfast, the tea and coffee are often passed from a side table, although many ladies prefer to preside over their own coffee urns, and enjoy the hospitality which this attention to their friends suggest. TEAS. Teas are as English in origin as kettle-drums, but without their formality and stateliness. In England it is the custom for the ladies and gen- Ii8 THE USAGES OF tlemen of a family to assemble and take a cup of tea before dressing for dinner. Imported to America, the afternoon tea is an informal recep- tion, and a very favorite way of entertaining one’s friends. Some one says it is useful as the occasion for a rendezvous, an informal and easy grouping of people who have leisure and who long for a pleasant chat to round off the sharp- ness of the morning’s experience.” As very numerous rather than very costly hos- pitalities are becoming more fashionable, teas, which are entertainments very easily prepared, increase in favor. A lady sends out her visiting card with the name of the day when she will be at home to her friends written under her name, as follows: Thursdays in February^ Tea at 4 d clock. or, Four d clock tea., Tuesday, February fifth. These invitations require no answers, nor are after-calls made, as teas are little more than grand calling days ; those who cannot attend usually consider it necessary to call as soon after the entertainment as convenient, and those who are present leave cards in the hall. Ladies wear handsome walking or carriage costumes, but do not wear full dress. THE BEST SOCIETY, 119 The refreshments are of a light nature, and all ostentation is avoided. The tea, with its pretty service, is placed on a side table with a pitcher of milk for those who prefer it to tea, and pos- sibly chocolate is provided, with some very thin sandwiches, a basket of sweet biscuits, and an- other of cake. These refreshments are usually served to the guests by the lady of the house, with a daughter or some friend assisting, if the number of guests is small. Some hostesses in- vite a few young girls of their acquaintance to serve their guests with refreshments and to en- tertain them while they are drinking their tea, or the lady of the house receives her guests at the table, where she presides, and the tea is passed on a tray by the maid. The usual hours for the reception are from four to six o’clock. Flowers must always be used to decorate every table. For breakfasts and teas little clusters of flowers in small vases are in better taste than the stately center-piece, which must crown a din- ner table. There is little if anything more to be said of these unceremonious but exceedingly pleasant affairs. A greeting, a cup of tea, a little harm- less gossip, a farewell, and that is all. Formal adieux,. however, between the hostess and her guests are not necessary nor expected; each one departs without a ceremonious leave-taking. Most English ladies and many Americans always have tea served in their sitting-rooms every day, and any one calling is expected to drink a cup. Ladies usually think it incumbent on them to take a cup of tea when it is offered. For one 120 THE [/SAGES OF thing, it seems unsociable to refuse, and to do so involves making trivial explanations as ta the whys and wherefores of the refusal. They never drink tea in the afternoon, or the doctor has ordered them not to, or they have already had some tea. It is always easier to take a cup than to go into these unimportant details. Of course, if a lady does not drink tea, as a rule, she does not hesitate to say so. We draw upon the Rus- sians for many of our customs connected with the dinner-table, but we have not yet taken kinly to their idea of tea drinking. That is to say, to the substitution of lemons for sugar and cream, ‘‘fragrant pill and a hint of acid.” A slice of lemon, neither thick nor large. This does not disguise or flatten the aroma of good tea, as do the conventional additions — sugar and cream — but it combines with it and heightens it. But there are high teas or suppers, always the fashion in country towns, where they take the place of the grand city dinner; and within the last year they have been revived in the cities, or rather during the summer supper-parties are fre- quently given at the different fashionable resorts. To quote from a society paper on this subject, “After a long retirement into the shades, the supper-party, the ‘ sit-down supper,' once so dear to our ancestors, has been again revived. Ladies of society at Newport have found that, after the hearty luncheon which everybody eats there, at one or at three, the twelve or fourteen course din- ner at seven o’clock is too much; that people come home reluctantly from their ocean drive to dress for dinner at seven, and they have this summer THE BEST SOCIETY. 121 issued invitations to supper at nine or half past nine. The very late dinners in large cities have no doubt also extinguished the supper as a fa- vorite entertainment; but there is no reason why suppers should not be in fashion in the country, or where people dine early, as many do. In England, where digestions are better than they are here, and where people eat more heavily, the supper tray ” is an institution, and suppers are generally spread in every English country house. The same service is proper as at a dinner, with the single exception of the soup-plates, which are not used, as the bouillon is served in cups with saucers. But there is the same procedure as to the change of forks, knives and plates; after each course the plates are removed and fresh ones put in their places. The table must not have any appearance of disorder; but, like a din- ner-table, it must be as fresh and pleasant a sight, with its lights and flowers, at the end as at the beginning of the feast. A large center-piece of flowers ornaments the table, set with fruit and bonbons in crystal dishes. Two kinds of wine, in handsome decan- ters, can be placed on the table. The wine should be either Maderia, or sherry, or Burgun- dy. Champagne, frappY or half frozen, is also provided with punch at the end of the feast. It is on the supper-table that all sorts of deli- cate and dainty dishes apoear with all things tasteful and appetizing. Oysters on the shell are followed by bouillon., then chicken croquettes or sweetbreads with 122 THE USAGES OF green peas — no vegetables are served except green peas — followed by some sort of game — ducks, grouse, or woodcock. There is such a thing as an informal supper, of course, when all the dishes are put on, as at the supper-table of a large ball — meats, dressed salmon, chicken cro- quettes, salads, jellies and ices — and the guests sit down to it and eat indiscriminately; but such is not the true “ sit down ” elegant supper, which has its courses and its etiquette and its removes, exactly like a dinner, and to accomplish which, with the corresponding conversation, was the delight of our grandmothers, and which is well worth reviewing. Oysters are invaluable at sup- per. Fried oysters make a bad odor through the house; therefore, they are not so convenient in a small private house as scalloped oysters, which can be prepared in the afternoon, and which send forth no odor as they are being cooked. Broiled oysters are very delicate, and a favorite dish at an informal supper. Beef, ex- cept in the form of a filet, is never served at a sit down supper, and even a filet is rather too heavy. Lobster in every form is a favorite sup- per delicacy, and the grouse, snipe, woodcock, ^ teal, canvas back, and squab on toast are always in order. Salads of any and every kind are al- ways provided with the game ; salads for sup- pers is a rule with no exceptions. With the ices and fruit, champagne is passed, and then the coffee. For the informal supper served after an opera or theater party, all the dishes are put on the table at the beginning. The plain supper consists of a few oysters, some THE BEST SOCIETY, 123 cold chicken, a plain salad — one of primroses it may be, for they are said to make a capital salad — with ice-cream and a glass of champagne, a dish of fruit, and possibly a half dozen roses in a Venetian glass. The ^‘cut-glass bowls of ber- ries with cream in silver pitchers of quaint de- vice ” belong to the supper-table of a summers day in the country. T24 THE USAGES OF CHAPTER XII. THE ART OF ENTERTAINING. That there is an art in entertaining one’s friends no one can for a moment dispute, neither can they doubt that such an art is attained by cultivation and care, though they will probably maintain, and with reason, that it is a gift pos- sessed by comparatively few people, and that in its spontaniety lies its chief charm. But for people who do not naturally possess this knack, it is necessary to analyze the art, not exactly to lay down rules, but to offer suggestions and to try to find out what are the chief features of this most enviable accomplishment. How often on returning from a friend’s house we have said: “What a delightful evening this has been. Mrs. A. certainly possesses the art of giving every one enjoyment; her manner is charming to all.” On the other hand, we return from a dull house, where everything is done en regle^ but where a predominant sense of stupid- ity overwhelms us, and if we are at all sensitive to externals, marks us for her own. What con- stitutes the difference in these two cases? Main- ly the manner of our hostess. Manner, then, is THE BEST SOCIETY, 125 of the greatest importance in determining the success or failure of our efforts for the entertain^ ment of our friends. Some speople taboo what is called good manners; they maintain that if the motive be good it matters little whether the manner be graceful or rough. School girls are often of this opinion; they are so afraid of be- ing thought young ladyish or affected that they rush to the opposite extreme and think them- selves true and straightforward, if rough and ready. Shyness and self-consciousness are often the real causes of this awkwardness; but before ex- perience, these gaucheries disappear, and an easy and graceful manner is often the result. Manner may in itself be of two kinds — the manner which is perfectly well-bred and refined, but withal very chilling, and the manner into which is infused all the charm of a kindly, hon- est, sunshiny nature, with a sincere regard to please. On its surface it leaves the stamp of truth; there is no mere veneer, no courtesy put on, but a graciousness of speech and action which flows from the inner being and is always there. As well as manner, tact, that happy quality which in women is supposed to be inborn, plays a prominent part in the art of entertaining. Tact enters into the feelings of others without show- ing that it does so; it anticipates wishes, and gives them fulfillment almost before they are wishes. In short, it is useful in a thousand in- stances, and may w^ell be called another sense. Perhaps the most trying mode of entertaining pur friends pleasantly, is at a dinner-party; but 126 THE USAGES OF by taking the matter into consideration, a host- ess can usually insure enjoyment and satisfaction to her guests. Care should be taken in the se- lection of those invited, particularly if the party be a small one, with a view to their suiting one another. In the country, where some people do not visit with other people, it is very necessary to study the situation of guests, or much un- pleasant awkwardness may ensue. Tact and forethought are here indispensable. In the parlor, after dinner, a well-mannered hostess will be careful to converse with all her guests in turn, instead of confining herself to one or two, not in a stiff or studied way, but gracefully and naturally. It is by attending to such small matters that success is assured. After- dinner parties, perhaps ‘‘ at homes,” require the most careful management. To these entertain- ments so many people have been asked that the utmost attention the hostess can show her guests is to receive them, and exchange a greeting with each. She will, however, have provided before- hand for this comfort by seeing that there is due accommodations for them, sufficient chairs, good music (if there be music), and as little crush as possible. If the visitors are forced to find seats far up the draughty stairs, if they get wedged in a crowd, out of which it is sheer impossibility to extricate themselves, while to add to their dis- comfort there is a roar of conversation and a thunder of piano-forte playing (more forte than piano) around them, they will wish that enter- tainment were not such a hollow mockery, and make their escape as soon as circumstances will THE BEST SOCIETY, 127 permit; that is to saV, as soon as they can sepa- rate themselves from the ^‘madding crowd.” Picnics well planned and carried out are de- lightful. The host and hostess will so arrange their guests that th^y blend well together, so that no one will jar with any one else. They will decide who shall drive and with whom, who ride, and where all shall meet if the visitors are to go from their homes to the place of the ren- dezvous. When the chosen place is reached, let the luncheon hour be known, and let all then dis- perse on their various pleasure quests. Exploring parties will explore, botanists and geologists will pursue thsir favorite researches, lovers of nature will sketch, while the ‘‘poor wanderin’ lunatics ” will enjoy themselves after the fashion of the trio who were encountered by the three jovial huntsmen. Care should be taken that the etceteras of the luncheon have been properly arranged and sent. If at the critical moment when all have assembled for luncheon, it is discovered that there are no knives, or no forks, or that some important item is left behind, the position will probably be a painful one to the hostess. It can readily be seen that much is not re- quired in the attainment of this art of entertain- ing. For instance, how much enjoyment can be given to a friend who, perhaps, spends most other days and hours in household cares and anxieties, by inviting her to a quiet little lunch- eon or afternoon tea She need not make much preparation for coming; you need make little for receiving her, only your kindly sympathy, 128 THE C/SAGES OF your cheerful manner and conversation may be an oasis of peace in her daily life. There is an art in listening as well as convers- ing. You will remember this when she is with you and let her, if she will, pour out to you some of her domestic worries. Do not do the same to her. Remember you are entertaining her, and it is not entertainment to hear a person grumble or complain. Only be sympathetic and cheer- ful, and if you advise be practical. This, however, is wandering from the subject, but only with the wish to show that, above all, the root of success lies in the desire to please. It is said that the English are the best hosts in the world, for they are masters of the letting alone system. Important points to consider are not to neglect a guest, not to weary her, or him, by top much attention; never give a visitor the impres- sion that she is being entertained, but allow her the enviable privilege occasionally of following her own sweet will, to write a letter if she wishes to do so; to read a novel, and, above all, not to feel that she must talk and be entertaining as well as entertained. In short, there is no office in the world that should be filled with such punctilious devotion, propriety and unselfish- ness, as that of hostess. To form a perfect conversationist many qual- ifications are requisite. There must be knowl- edge of the world, knowledge of books, and a facility of imparting that knowledge; together with originality, memory, an intuitive percep- tion of what is best to say and best to omit, good taste, good temper and good manners. THE BEST SOCIETY, 129 A good talker should cultivate a temperance in talking, so as not to talk too much, to the ex- clusion of other good talkers. Conversation is dialogue, not monologue. To be a perfect conversationist, a good voice is indispensable — a voice that is clear, distinct and silver-toned. If you find that you have a habit of speaking too low, reform it altogether. The pleasure of society is much lessened by the habit in which many persons indulge cf placing themselves always in opposition, contro- versing every opinion and doubting every fact. They talk to you as a lawyer examines a witness, scarcely permitting you to say “it is a fine day,'’ without making you prove your words. Such people are never popular. No one likes perpet- ual contradiction, especially when the subject of the argument is of little or no consequence. In young people this dogmatic practice is generally based upon vanity and impertinence. In the old, it is prompted by pride and selfishness. Unless he first refers to it himself, never talk to a gentleman concerning his profession; at least do not question him about it. A merchant when away from his counting house, has no wish to engage in business. A clergyman does not like always to be talking about the church. Still there are some people who like to talk of their professions. If you perceive this disposi- tion, indulge them and listen attentively. You will learn something useful and worth remem- bering. Never remind any one of the time when their situation was less affluent than at present, or 130 THE USAGES OF tell them that you remember them living in a small house, or in a remote street. If they do not wish to talk of this, it is rude in you to make any allusions. On the other hand, if invited to a fashionable house, and to meet fashionable company, it is not the time or place for you to set forth the com- parative obscurity of your own origin, by way of showing that you are not proud. When you hear a gentleman speak in praise of a lady whom you do not think deserving of his commendations, you will gain nothing by at- tempting to undeceive him, particularly if the lady is handsome. Your dissenting from his opinion he will, in all probability, impute to envy or ill-nature, and therefore the only impression you can make will be acquired yourself. Above all, if a gentleman descants on the beauty of a lady, and in your own mind you do not coincide with his opinion, refrain from criticizing invid- iously her face and figure, and do not say that though her complexion may be fine, her features are not regular, that her nose is too small, or her eyes too large. It is very discourteous when a person begins to relate a circumstance or an anecdote, to cut them short by saying that you have heard it be- fore. Still worse to say that you do not wish to hear it at all. There are people who set them- selves against listening to anything that can possibly excite melancholy or painful feelings, and who prefer to hear nothing that may give them a sad or unpleasant sensation. Those who have so much tenderness for themselves THE BEST SOCIETY, 131 have usually but little tenderness for others. Never interrupt a person who is telling you a story, even if he makes mistakes in dates and facts. If he makes a mistake, it is his own fault, and it is not your business to mortify him by at- tempting to correct his blunders. Avoid railing and sarcasm in social parties. They are weapons which few can use. When two individuals or the whole company agree to banter each other with good-natured sallies of wit, it is very pleasant, but the least taint of ill-nature spoils all. INTERTAINING ON A SMALL SCALE. Some people imagine because they are not rich and able to afford a large establishment, it is quite impossible that they can entertain their friends in any way whatsoever. There are, of course, many instances where this is the case. But very often it is not the expense that forms the barrier to hospitality so much as the idea that guests do not care to come to a small house, or that it is impossible to ask them without be- ing able to give them all the luxuries to which they are accustomed in the larger houses at which they visit. This is a mistake, and prevents a good deal of pleasant sociability which might otherwise be enjoyed. The great mistake often made by hostesses who live in a small way is that, when they wish to entertain, they are apt to be too ambitious, and to attempt things to which their servants are not accustomed, and in which they, 132 THE USAGES OF as a natural consequence, fail. It is easily un- derstood that a maid who has been only accus- tomed to laying the table for a meal, will be somewhat at fault when expected to perform her part at a dinner, and no guest should ever be in- vited to this meal until the maid has been care- fully practiced for what is required of her at such a time. In fact, a guest should only be in- vited to share what is the general routine of the family; any unusual effort made in his honor is always observable, and causes a feeling of con- straint. It is fatal in a small household, in the event of a few friends being asked to dinner, to allow the cook to attempt any dishes with the manufacture of which she is not thoroughly ac- quainted. A plain dish, well cooked, is infinitely preferable to a more elaborate one that fails either in taste or in niceness of appearance on the table, the latter point being, to many deli- cate persons, of almost greater consequence than its flavor. A hostess who entertains but rarely is apt to . forget that if her servant has too many persons to wait upon, it is quite impossible that things can go smoothly. If there are more than four persons at dinner, it is absolutely important that there should be a second person to wait. It is wiser in a small establishment not to adopt the custom of dinner a la Russe^ but to have the dishes carved on the table. Of course, all the business of decoration of the table must devolve on the lady of the house; it is she who must ar- range the dessert and the flowers. If she is wise she will not be tempted to be lavish in either de- THE BEST SOCIETY. 133 partment. By the time dinner is over very few persons care for fruit, and as long as the dishes are so tastefully arranged as to please the eye, the guests will not critically examine what they contain; while very pretty flowers can be bought for a very small sum, which have as good an ef- fect as far more expensive ones. Before the mistress of a small household ven- tures to entertain, let her be certain that her cook can do the simple dishes she means to give really well, and let her provide all the materials for their manufacture, of the best; let her make sure that the maid knows exactly what she ought to do, by the simple expedient of insisting upon being served every day, with precisely the same care and nicety as if guests were present, and she may then give her little dinner without any ner- vousness. When in a small household guests are asked to stay, the mistress must satisfy herself, by per- sonal inspection, that the visitor’s bedroom is really comfortable, that the linen has been per- fectly aired (an important matter, almost cer- tain to be neglected if left to inexperienced serv- ants), that there is a sufficiency of blankets accor- ding to the season of the year, and that there is the proper supply of towels, with a few extra ones in the washstand drawer. She should ex- amine the windows and make sure that the sash- lines are intact, as it is absolutely essential to the healthiness of a bedroom that the windows may be opened easily, more especially at the top, as it is there that all the bad air makes its exit. She will, of course, provide against the discom- 134 THE USAGES OF fort of the windows rattling in a wind, if at all loose in their frames, by providing wedges of either wood or brass, which should be attached by small chains to the side of the window frames, and hang there ready to be used when required. She must also explore wardrobes and drawers, and see that anything in the way of house-linen, or of her own wearing apparel, that may be stowed away there when the guest chamber is not in use, is removed, and the shelves and drawers dusted and lined with paper. It is very inconvenient for a guest to find, on her arrival, that a great part of the space in the drawers and wardrobe is unavailable, owing to the hostess having neglected to move her own possessions out. She must see that writing-paper, envelopes and pens are on the table, that the blotting paper is sufficiently clean, and that the inkstand has been replenished. It is extremely annoying to sit down to write and find only a few drops of thick, muddy fluid at the bottom of the ink-bottle. She must fur- ther take care that the lock and bolt of the door are in good order, that a night light and a box of matches are provided, and that the pincushion is furnished with pins. Finally, if the weather is damp and chilly, she should not fail to have a fire lighted early in the day in the room. If the guests do not like it, it is easily let out again, and there is something very chilling and inhospitable in being shown into a room without a fire, when arrived tired and cold, and it does not greatly mend the mat- ter, if the guest is asked, on arrival, whether he THE BEST SOCIETY, i35 or she would like a fire; it shows that one has not been deemed necessary, and so, often the visitor, anxious not to give trouble, goes with- out what would be extremely welcome. Happily, in all houses, whether large or small, it is now well understood that it is not necessary, as was once the case, for the hostess to be al- ways in attendance on the guest; but in a small household her absences are naturally likely to be longer, as all the supervision of the household falls upon her. A reasonable guest will under- stand this, and not object to being left alone. A hostess should abstain from troubling her guest with any discussion of domestic matters. It always gives the visitor the uncomfortable feeling of giving trouble. Even when there is a laundry in the house, the clothes of visitors are not washed there; some person in the neighbor- hood undertakes the visitor’s washing, and they pay her like any other laundress. 13^ THE USAGES OF CHAPTER XIII. LETTER-WRITING AND WRITTEN INVITATIONS. When it is imperative to write a note in the third person it is most desirable to construct each sentence with care and with due regard to an avoidance of an extravagant use of pronouns. To frame a note without introducing ‘‘ com- pliments,” at its commencement, is the received mode of writing one. There are few people ignorant or careless enough to lapse from the third person into the first, in the course of a short one, but still it is worth guarding against. The prevailing style of writing is bold and free, the characters very upright and tall; toppling t’s ” and long tailed ‘ g’s ” have quite gone out of fashion. Many affect a literary style of let- ter-writing; that is to say, a margin is left on the left side of the sheet of paper, which gives rather an imposing look to it; but this should only be done when the letter is almost a note in matter of length. A strictly business habit, adopted for the convenience of being copied by letter-press, is to write on the first and third pages of a sheet of paper, leaving the second and fourth pages blank. Some people fall into the mistake of doing this under the impression that THE BEST SOCIETY. 137 it is rather fine, whereas it is very much the re- verse. It used to be an idea that to underline words in a letter was 7nissish in the extreme, and rather bad style than not, but now if a writer wishes to be very emphatic or to call particular attention to any remark, an additional stroke of the pen is not objected to. But it is a liberty not to be taken when writing to those with whom one is on ceremony. Another practice of the past, which is now happily discarded, is that of crossing letters. Many people experience a certain difficulty in the choice of a conventional term with which to conclude a formal letter, and it must be admit- ted that there is not much variety at command. Yours truly, yours sincerely, yours faithfully, with the addition, perhaps, of the adverb very” being the principal formulas in use, and it is, on the whole, immaterial in writing to friends, whether truly or sincerely is used. By way of not ending a letter too abruptly, it is usual, be- fore the words “ yours truly ” to add some grace- ful little comment, and this gives a certain finish and completeness to a letter that would other- wise be wanting. A few words as to the actual composition of a letter. It should always be borne in mind that if a letter has a purpose, a reason or an ob- ject for being, this fact should not be lost sight of, or oversighted with a mass of extra- neous matter; again, it is idle to devote the first page of a letter to a trivial excuse for not hav- ing written sooner; but if a note demands an im- mediate answer, it is then a matter of politeness 138 THE USAGES OF to give a reason, but without circumlocution, and other matter should be at once referred to. A want of punctuation in a letter will often cause a sentence or paragraph to be misunderstood and made to convey the reverse of what was intend- ed. Marks of interrogation and marks of excla- mation naturally assist the clearer understand- ing of a passage, which without them might have a vague meaning. It is not the fashion nowadays to accuse one’s- self of writing a stupid letter, or a dull one or an uninteresting one. Friends are only too likely to take one at one’s own valuation, and to endorse the written ver- dict, while the solicism of laying the blame of bad writing on pen, ink or paper is confined to servants, whose writing materials are naturally not of the best. Writing letters of invitation and answering them occupy far longer time in the composition than the writers would care to confess. The dif- ficulty does not lie in an invitation itself, or in accepting or refusing, but rather in the form in which either should be couched, the words that should be chosen, and the expressions that should be used. One person is afraid of being too empressej too gushing; another of being too for- mal, too stiff; one is fearful of saying too little, another of saying too much, and yet there are others who have not an idea what to say or how to commence a letter of this nature, and who are dissatisfied with each start they make, knowing that they have not said the right thing, and not exactly seeing their way to saying it. Time, THE BEST SOCIETY. i39 paper and temper are often sacrificed to these attempts. This is not only the case with regard to letters of invitation and acceptance, but it also applies to many letters that are consequent upon an in- vitation being received and visits paid. Invitations which are conveyed through the medium of cards, dinner cards or an at-home card, require no thought in the giving or receiv- ing. The note of acceptance is as brief as is the printed card of invitation; and to the printed card requesting the pleasure of Mrs. Blank’s com- pany at dinner, the stereotyped answer is invari- ably, Mrs. Blank has as much pleasure in accept- ing Mrs. Dash’s kind invitation for Tuesday, the 2ist, or Mrs. Blank regrets that a previous en- gagement will prevent her having the pleasure of accepting Mrs. Dash’s kind invitation for Tuesday, the 21st. Of all invitations given, perhaps the first in importance is the one that refers to a visit of some days’ duration, either for a long or short period. Those who are accustomed to give this kind of invitation know exactly what to say and how to say it. The conventional civilities or af- fectionate cordialities, as the case may be, occur in their proper places, but one point is made clear in either case, namely, the length of the visit to be paid. There are people who are under the impression that to specify the exact length of a visit is not sufficiently polite, and they therefore, as a sort of compromise, use the am- biguous terms, “ a few days,” instead of dis- tinctly defining the limit of the invitations. So 140 THE USAGES OF far from vague invitations such as these being an advantage to invited guests, they not seldom place them at a disadvantage at more points than one. They are uncertain what day they are to take their departure; they do not wish, by leaving a day earlier, to disarrange any little plan that their hostess may have contemplated for their amusement. Neither do they wish to prolong their visit a day later, lest by so doing they should break in upon any engagements that she may have formed on her own account, inde- pendent of her visitors. To suggest when a guest shall come and when she shall go is a very great point in. hospitality. A few days ” is an unsatisfactory wording of an invitation to visitors, for as a rule it means three or four days, but there is always an un- certainty as to whether the fourth day should be taken or not. Those who interpret a few days to mean three days, make their plans for depart- ure accordingly; failing this, they are compelled to leave their plans open and stay from three to five days, according as chance and circumstances may dictate. A lady will perhaps require a little addition to her wardrobe in the matter of a five days’ visit over that of three days’ stay; but this is a trifling detail, although it helps to swell the list of minor inconveniences which are the result of vague invitations. There are, of course, exceptions to every rule, and there are people who use this phrase of ‘‘Will you come to see us for a few days?” in the bona fide sense of the word, and to whom it is immaterial whether their guests remain three THE BEST SOCIETY, ■41 days or six days; but such an elastic invitation as this is given to a relative, or to a very intimate friend, whose footing in the house is that of a relation, and with whom the hostess does not stand on ceremony, as far as her own engage- ments are concerned; and people on these friendly terms can talk over their departure with their hostess and consult her about it without the faintest embarrassment. The most welcome invitation is certainly the one that mentions the day of arrival and the day of departure. Thus after the 7 'aisoii d'etre of the invitation has been stated, the why and the wherefore of its being given follows the gist of the letter: ‘‘We hope you will come to us on Wednesday, the 23d, and remain until the 26th.” It is, of course, open to a hostess to ask her vis- itors to prolong their stay beyond the date named, if she sees reason for so doing; but this is the exception rather than the rule in the case of short visits, and guests take their departure as a matter of course on the day named in the invitation. When a visit has been paid it is po- lite, if not imperative, to write to the hostess, and express the pleasure that has been derived from it. Good feeling and good taste would dictate that such note should be written, and as it can always include little matters of general interest in connection with the past visit, it need neither be over-ceremonious nor coldly polite Such a note need not necessarily be answered 142 THE USAGES OF CHAPTER XIV. MUSICAL HOMES AND GARDEN PARTIES. If music is to be provided for the entertain- ment at a reception the word music, or musicale^ is written uppn the left lower part of the card of invitation, which is the ordinary at home” card. The time — as ‘‘ from four to seven ” — is also indicated. An entertainment of this kind should be, in the truest sense of the word, a social gathering, enlivened by the exertions of amateur perform- ers, reinforced by friendly professional aid. The great secret of success is to maintain them on this footing, and not to attempt to strain them into would-be concerts of mediocre merit. The way to do this is to allow sufficiently long pauses to elapse between the several pieces and songs given, so as to admit of an easy conversa- tion to be indulged in throughout the two hours prescribed by fashion as the correct limit. The hostess must make herself agreeable in these intervals by talking pleasantly to some one with whom perhaps she is intimate, asking another to sing ‘‘ something,” aware that she is the possessor of a fine voice, and is not unwilling to let it be heard, or asking yet a third to per THE BEST SOCIETY. 143 form that promised gavotte, and so on through the list of the ladies present, recognizing the presence of each by some kindly remark. Duets formerly occupied a prominent place in the programme at musicals, but now solos are preferred; but even solos become tedious when three or four are sung in succession by the same lady; and however fine the voice of an amateur may be, the company are apt to grow tired of too much of one thing, however good this one thing may be. A hostess often induces her fa- vorite song-bird to warble all her chef d' oeuvres^ with a view of delighting the audience, who fail to appreciate the good nature that prompts com- pliance, while a judicious division ot labor among the assembled amateurs creates a far more satis- factory feeling than does a wholesale monopoly of the piano by one performer. As to the songs themselves, the question of what is most pleasing to an audience in the way of songs is rather perplexing to amateur per- formers. If they attempt operatic gems they have to contend with a professional rivalry which more than overweighs their efforts, and they are accused of being too ambitious; while if they attempt ballads of the day they run a like gantlet in the amateur world. These parlor songs have been well sung, perhaps better sung, anyhow, too much sung. There is a general feeling of wishing to hear something a little Less hackneyed; in fact, some- thing new. Thus very indifferent compositions are often warbled in parlors by fairly good ama- teurs, which neither display to advantage the 144 THE USAGES OF voice nor its training, but which have the one merit of being new. It is so delightful not to know in the least what is coming, or what is to follow the first bars played by the fingers of a performer. Again, new songs are always popular, and the singing world likes to gain an idea of them. By hearing them sung in this semi-public manner they form a subject for conversation; while of a well-known ballad by a modern composer there is nothing more to be said than: I think we have heard this before.” Songs, like books, have now but a short life; what is new to-day is old to-morrow. As has been hinted before, to rush one song after the other with hardly breathing time be- tween each, defeats the object for which these gatherings are given — that of being sociable rather than silent assemblies, as regards the non- performers. To talk, to chat, to move about a room and to recognize one’s friends is considered rather an uncomplimentary proceeding during a song, but if no interval is awarded for the ex- change of conversation a subdued buzz and mur- mur is heard throughout the room; and though a lover of music may protest against it, and the person performing feel aggrieved by it, yet it is not to be put down, under the penalty of the party being considered an extremely dull affair. The instrumental music most popular at these entertainments is of the light and tuneful order. GARDEN PARTIES. The invitation to a garden party is usually THE BEST SOCIETY. 145 sent out two weeks before the appointed day. If the weather proves bad the entertainment takes place indoors. These invitations, if given in a suburban place to friends living in the city, who are to go out by cars, or other public means of convey- ance, should have a card inclosed with the direc- tions plainly given as to hours of trains, and any other needful directions. These invitations, written or engraved on a sheet of note paper, are in the form as follows: Mrs. Requests the pleasure of Mr. and Mrs. Company on Thursday.^ the seventh of August^ At four o'clock. Garden Party. Idlewild. Then on the card inclosed might be: Carriages will meet the arrival of the 3. *30 train from the Grand Central Depot. The garden party proper is always held in the open air. The lawn tennis is in order for the occasion, the croquet laid out for those who care for this antiquated game, and the archery tools in place. A platform may have been prepared for dancing, with a band of music to discourse 146 THE USAGES OE tunes, both grave and gay. There must be a sup- ply of camp chairs and rugs. The hostess receives her guests on the lawn, with her hat or bonnet on. The carriages drive up to the door, and the la- dies go within to deposit their wraps and to shake off the dust. A maid then shows them where the hostess is receiving her guests. The ladies wear hats and walking dresses, although long robes are occasionally seen. The lunch is sometimes served in the house, but if it is an a/ fresco entertainment entirely, the viands must be cold: salads, tongue, ham, pate de fois gras, cold patties, salmon, jellies, ices, cakes and champagne. A cup of hot tea should always be prepared for the individual who prefers that refreshing beverage to iced lemonade or champagne. If strawberries and cream are served a small nap- kin should be placed between the saucer and the plate, and a spoon and fork passed to each per- son. Plenty of camp chairs and a number of small tables are very necessary accompaniments to the feasts. “ A green lawn, a few trees, a good prospect, a fine day, and something to eat are really all the absolute requirements. We can enjoy a garden party very much with only these ad- juncts.” THE BEST SOCIETY. 147 CHAPTER XV. TRAVELING MANNERS. It is well if young people before leaving home for a journey have been so carefully trained as to be able to accept small annoyances in quiet, ladylike patience and good nature, and thus by their conduct prove an excellent example to others. Selfishness too often governs travelers. They have paid as much as any of the passengers to insure their comfort, and mean to have all they can get. Others must look out for them- selves. Hence the rush and hurry for seats, un- less when certain sections have been provided and paid for, is usually very annoying, and in- dicative of anything but good manners. ^‘Noth- ing is more shameful than a voluntary rude- ness.” Neither age nor sex is respected, but those determined to have the first choice, rush, crowd and push their way in, heedless of others’ inconvenience or suffering, and every inch of available room, beyond their own appropriate seat, is filled with bags, bundles, etc., decidedly disagreeable and embarassing to others who need the room. This is a situation that stretches good nature and patience almost beyond endur- 148 THE USAGES OF ance, and we have seen instances' where both have given place to sharp words and evident vexation. A few moments’ gentle endurance will soon bring order out of the confusion, and respect from those who have rudely forgotten their manners. If a gentleman, a father, brother or husband is the protector in this journey, and for a moment is engaged in caring for baggage, or buying tickets, it will be but short waiting — or the conductor will soon provide a seat. Only don’t lose your temper. In five minutes it will all pass and be forgotten. Many things will annoy one who leaves a neat, well-appointed home to live for weeks in cars, boats, or hotels. The food may not be at all relishable, the rooms ill-aired and dusty, the beds not all one’s fancy paints them. All these evils should be well considered before one leaves home, and weighed against the pleasures antici- pated. If the discomforts overbalance the pleasures, stay at home. If not, accept all infelici- ties and all pleasures with a cheerful, contented spirit. Now let us see what good common sense would provide for a long journey. Of necessity a durable traveling dress is needed, of fabric and color that will not be injured by any weather. Let it be neat and just as rich and stylish as one’s circumstances will warrant. Of course, the style, material and color will depend on the taste of the wearer largely, but in our judgment nothing is so thoroughly satisfactory as a good black silk without an abundance of trimming. It will come out of rain, snow, mud or dust^ if THE BEST SOCIETY, 149 carefully shaken and brushed amaist as gude as new.” It will bear almost any amount of re- pairing and altering if taken in season, when a stitch in time saves nine;” and yet the wearer will look well dressed, because a black silk sel- dom loses color or shows the many rips and tears that one is liable to encounter when traveling, and therefore the wearer escapes much thought- less criticism, indeed, may secure compliments on her neat and rich attire that will furnish amusement for many a day What other dresses are indispensable ? We are firm in the belief that the smallest quantity of clothes that will give a lady a neat, respecta- ble and comfortable appearance on a journey is indicative of the best taste and soundest judg- ment, and therefore think two dresses suitable for a reception, or when an invited guest on the journey, are quite sufficient, the material of velvet, silk or worsted, as best suits the circum- stances of the wearer. But, as on a long jour- ney, one is liable to pass into the extremes of cold and heat in different climates, the dress should be suitable for such changes, one of a warm, thick fabric, the other appropriate for the heat of summer. For underwear four (five at the most) changes are amply sufficient, since everywhere one meets such facilities for having washing and ironing done in a short day’s notice. When traveling no one can expect to have their clothes satisfactorily laundried, but that is one of the trials that mingle with the pleasures 150 THE USAGES OF of traveling, but complaining and fault-finding will not remedy it. Two pairs of boots, one pair of slippers and rubbers are sufficient, with a good supply of cuffs, collars and handkerchiefs. An outside wrap, nicer than these used on the road, for church, or a visit, is desirable, and young people would break their hearts if they could not also take a “ best ” hat for those occasions. Such shawls or wraps as will be needed in the changes of climate, through which the tourist intends to pass, are quite necessary. These ar- ticles, together with the rubbers, should be com- pactly rolled, put into a case or wrapper, and se- curely fastened up with a shawl-strap, and across this bundle the umbrella will be bound under the strap. A leather satchel, the lightest that can be ob- tained, is necesary to hold comb, brush, tooth and finger brushes, a soap-box with good soap, a small metal or leather box of matches, some extra pocket-handkerchiefs, and a collar or two and cuffs can be folded so as to occupy little space; a small box containing pins, needles, thread, sewing silk of such colors as will be most likely to be wanted, a few buttons, a small piece of tape, and a pair of scissors, will be needed, because when the journey is for a few days in- steamboat or sleeping-cars it will be difficult to get access to the trunk. THE BEST SOCIETY, 151 CHAPTER XVI. THE ETIQUETTE OF MOURNING. The wearing of somber robes after the loss of our kinspeople is naturally in a great measure a matter for individual feeling. The fashion of the world, however, has imposed upon this cus- tom certain restrictions and additions, so that the preparation of mourning has been reduced to a system — so many folds of crape for a parent, so many for a sister, and the like. The quality of the fabrics which expresses the utmost sorrow has been the same for many a year, and it is recognized by every lady; but great uncertainty prevails concerning what may be termed the proprieties of mourning. Half rnourning, which was at one time a great feature for aunts, cousins, etc., is now almost abandoned. There are many who cannot afford to dress with perfect correctness, whether in mourning or out of it, and it is to those who lack the requisite knowledge, rather than the means, that these remarks apply. It is only for us to indicate clearly the conventional periods required by custom, and the degree of mourning appropriate to each. To some the periods may appear insufficient, but of course every one is at 152 THE USAGES OF liberty to lengthen them at pleasure. But it is becoming the custom to render all mournings, excepting those of widows, or of parents and children, much shorter than they formerly were. It is only the intention now to indicate clearly the conventional periods required by custom, and the dregree of mourning appropriate to each. A widow’s mourning is, of course, the longest, and continued for the longest period. For the first twelve months the dress and mantle must be of parametta cloth, trimmed heavily with crape. Henrietta cloth, imperial serge or tamise are fabrics used for deep mourning dresses. The cloak or mantle is of the same material as the dress, and very heavily trimmed with crape. It is no longer usual to wear the widow’s cap be yond the year, as was formerly frequently done. The bonnet, which is entirely of crape, has a cap tacked inside, and is worn with the long veil. The vei^. is worn a year, and as much longer as the widow chooses; at the end of six months the front is thrown back on the bonnet, and a short black tulle veil worn over the face. The collar and cuffs are of white or black lisse or of fine organdy. Crape cloth is adapted for a walking or rough dress, as it wears well, and is scarcely to be distinguished from crape at a distance. After the first year mourning silk may be substituted for the dress of plainer goods, but it must also be trimmed heavily with crape. This is worn for three months, when the crape may be very sensibly lightened, and for the next three months, jet, fringe and passementerie may THE BEST SOCIETY, 153 be used. At the end of six months (eighteen months in all) crape may be left off and plain black worn for six months. Formerly it was usual to wear half mourning for six months or a year longer, but this is now seldom done, and two years complete the period of mourning. The mourning of a parent for a child, or a child for a parent, is the next degree of mourning and lasts for twelve months. For the first three, parameUa, merino, bomba- zine or some similar materr?.! heavily trimmed with crape, usually in two deep tucks, is worn; for the next three, silk — mourning silk, of course — with less crape; the latter, arranged more or- namentally in plaits or folds, is admirable. The crape bonnet may have jet upon it, and the veil may be of net, with a deep hem. Linen collars and cuffs cannot be worn with crape; only organdy or lisse frills are admissible. Sable or any colored fur must be left (^ff; seal-skin is often worn, but it never looks well in really deep mourning. After six months’ crape is left off, and plain black with jet ornaments worn for two months; and after this, half mourning, such as black dresses with white lace and ilowers, and white dresses trimmed with black. For brothers and sisters, the mourning used to be six months, but now four is more usual. When four is the period, it is more common to wear crape for two months and plain black for two, than to change for half mourning. For grandparents the mourning is six months, two in silk with a moderate amount of craj:^. two in black and two in half mourning. For uncie 154 THE USAGES OF or aunt, the period was formerly three months, and slight crape was worn; now six weeks is the usual time, and crape is not required. For a first cousin, a month, generally the whole time in black. It is now very unusual to wear mourn- ing at all for a second cousin, but if it is done, three weeks are sufficient. Relations by marriage are mourned for in ex- actly the same degree as real ones. Thus, a wife wears exactly the same mourning for her hus- band’s relations as she would for her own, and mourns for her sister’s husband in the identical amount of crape which she would wear for her sister herself. Besides the actual dress, there are some points of etiquette connected with mourning. It is usual for the pocket-handkerchiefs used to have broad black edges, and no jewelry of any kind with the exception of jet, can be worn, neither can lace be worn with crape. Crape, it should be remembered, cannot be worn in conjunction with any material which is not also adapted to deep mourning. Thus, crape is inadmissible with velvet, satin, bright or glace silks, embroidery, fringe, except- ing the special crape fringe,” or indeed with anything but mourning silk, merino, parametta, woolen barege or grenadine. Black edged paper must be used. Visiting cards are only edged with black when crape is worn. Cards returning thanks for the kind inquiries of those who have either called or sent to inquire. THE BEST SOCIETY, i55 should not be sent out until the person feels equal to receiving visitors. Neither visiting nor a general receiving of guests formally within a year after the loss of a near relative is considered proper, and usually two years are devoted to a more or less rigid se- clusion from general society. For the first year while a widow wears her weeds she can, of course, accept no invitations, and it is the worst possible taste for her to be seen at places of public amusement. After the first year she can, if she chooses, gradually resume her place in society. This retirement does not lessen the at- tention of friends. Cards are sent by acquaintances to express sympathy when a death occurs, but only an inti- mate friendship affords one permission to write a note of condolence. Long, torturing notes of sympathy are fortunately among our obsolete customs. Many people consider it proper to wear black when paying a first visit to a house of mourning, and though this is not absolutely necessary it is entirely in better taste to avoid brilliant colors on such an occasion. THE USAGES OF 156 CHAPTER XVII. ANNIVERSARIES. A writer upon social usages says that a notice- able entertainment upon each annual return of marriage days is a custom in but few of the best families. In the limited circjje of the fireside, however, the day is usually marked by expres- sions of good will and the bestowal of gifts be- tween husband and wife, and also from children to their parents; but this is all. After the passing of a certain number of years which are marked off into epochs by several dis- tinguishing but fanciful names, many of our households celebrate the anniversaries of their marriage by extended hospitalities. Of course, elderly people feel and manifest their joy by graver or more digified formalities in their en- tertainments than is expected of younger hus- bands and wives, the latter often providing mer- riment of a fanciful kind. Not that any of these anniversaries are em- phasized in our higher circles upon the contri- bution plan,” as a cynical writer upon our social customs has most aptly styled that sort of hos- pitality which intimates by the form of its invi- tations that presents are expected. THE BEST SOCIETY. 157 To offer a souvenir to a bride is a pleasant method of expressing to her our good wishes, but to contribute to the sustainment of her after house furnishing is quite another affair. The marriage anniversary which falls after five years is sometimes called ‘‘ a wooden wedding;” after ten years, it is mentioned as “tin;” after twenty, it is “crystal;” at twenty-five, it is “sil- ver;” at fifty, it is a “golden anniversary;” and at sixty, the “diamond wedding” occurs. Those who desire to celebrate a return of their wedding day are compelled, through their delicacy of feeling, to relinquish a general gala entertainment, or else to make an announcement upon their cards of invitation of their private sentiments in the matter of miscellaneous gift making. It is not agreeable to the entertainer to be compelled in self-defense to direct that “ no gifts received '' be engraved upon cards of invi- tation. Without doubt, we shall soon pass the “ donation period ” in our social customs, and a gift will become what it really should be, sig- nificant of something superior to a meaningless habit. Of course, very near kinspeople and very dear old friends will take the liberty sometimes of disregarding the engraved injunction, just as such friends indulge themselves in familiarities with the rules that usually govern one’s private social affairs. But if remoter relatives, or mere society acquaintances, send a gift other than flowers or a book, after being requested to re- strict their generosity, they need not be surprised 158 HE C/SAGES OF if the act be considered an impertinence, and resented accordingly. . The prevailing style of cards of invitation to an anniversary party, or reception, is just the same as to any ordinary entertainment. If a twenty-fifth anniversary is to be celebrated, the formula of the invitation is in the following style, clearly engraved in script: Mr. and Mrs. request the pleasure of your presence on Thursday evenings Ncn)e 7 nber ^th, at eight o'clock^ to celebrate the twenty^fifth anniversary of their marriage. No. 95 Fifth avenue. In responding to this invitation, either to ac- cept or decline the hospitable civihty, courteous congratulations are added in any graceful style which an acquaintance with the givers of the en- tertainment may suggest. When such an impressive anniversary has ar- rived, it is customary to secure as many guests as possible from among those who were present at their wedding. When a formal supper is provided, the host and hostess lead the way to the dining-room, and the guests follow in convenient order, as at an ordi- nary party. If the supper be arranged in buffet style the host and hostesss retain their positions THE BEST SOCIETY, 159 during the entire evening, except there be danc- ing, when they frequently head the first set, which is usually a quadrille on such anniversa- ries. The guests take leave before midnight, after having expressed wishes for many more years of health and gladness to their entertainers. The birthdays of children are being celebrated in this country more and more. These waymarks in the lives of children are made pleasant remem- brances to them. A little feast is made for the child, to which its playmates are invited, but the invitations seldom extend beyond a number that may be seated at table. The feast is dainty and plentiful, but not hurtfully rich, and its especial characteristic is a cake in which are embedded as many fancy wax candles as are the years of the young person in whose honor the party is given. These candles are placed in little tin tubes and sunken near the outer edge of the cake; or they may be placed in a rim which is arranged about it. They are al- ready lighted when the young people are invited into the banqueting apartment. After the food is eaten the one who is cele- brating a birthday cuts the cake, if he or she is old and strong enough for such pleasant duty, and a piece of it is given to each guest. Plays or dances follow the supper. These little celebrations continue annually un- til the child is old enough to enter society. Even if the family be in mourning, a birthday is not forgotten, although the festival may be less gay than usual. Among the elders of a houshold the annual i6o THE USj of return of a birthday is seldom celebrated in t-.e presence of any persons except his or her own kinspeople. The twenty-first birthday of a gen- tleman is often made an occasion for extending hospitalities in the form of a dinner, a party, or a ball; but a lady’s age is not thus publicly no- ticed, for obvious but absurd social reasons. After the lady or gentleman becomes old enough to feel proud of the longevity, the most beautiful attentions are often bestowed upon them by their young friends, and also by those who were the companions of their youth. Flowers, letters of congratulations, cards of inquiry and respect, gifts that v/ill interest, breakfast or dinner parties, and receptions are considered proper. There are few vigorous people who care to emphasize the fact that they are passing still another annual milestone until they have really reached and entered upon the late afternoon of life, and are feeling the sweet twilight of calm falling like a blessing upon them. It is this earlier unwillingness to watch and count the years as they go by that has led to the giving up of birthday celebrations in the presence of one’s acquaintances during that active interval which comes in between youth and old age. Even a remembrance of his anniversary in one’s own household is oftenest recalled only by a gift without words ” rather than by spoken congratu- lation. As to presents generally, having accepted one, it is your duty, and ought to be your pleasure, to let the giver see that you make use of it as in- THE BEST SOCIETY, i6i tended, and that it is not thrown away upon you. If it is an article of dress, or of personal decora- tion, take occasion on the first suitable oppor- tunity to wear it in the presence of the giver. If a book, do not delay redding it; afterward speak of it to the donor as favorably as you can. If of fruit or flowers, refer to them the next time you meet the person. In all cases, when a gift is sent to you, return a note of thanks, or at least a verbal message immediately. When an article is presented to you for r specified purpose, it is your duty to use it fo^ that purpose, and for no other according to the wish of the donor. It is mean and dishonorable to give away a present, at least wdthout obtain- ing permission from the original giver. You have no right to be liberal and generous at the expense of another, or to accept a gift with the -- secret determination to bestow it yourself on somebody else. If it is an article that you do not want, that you possess already, or that you cannot use for yourself, it is best to say so can- didly at once, explaining your thanks for the offer, and requesting your friend to keep it for some other person to whom it will be advan- tageous. It is fit that the purchaser of the gift should have the pleasure of doing a kindness with her own hand. There are persons who, believing that presents are generally made with some mercenary view, and being themselves unwdlling to receive favors or incur obligations, make a point of repaying 162 THE USAGES OF them as soon as possible by a gift of something equivalent. This at once implies that they sus- pect the motive. If sincere in her friendship, the donor of the first present will feel hurt at being directly paid for it, and consider that she has been treated rudely and unjustly. On the other hand, if com- pensation was secretly denied and really expected, she will be disappointed at receiving nothing in return. Therefore, among persons who can con- veniently provide themselves with whatever they may desire, the bestowal of presents is generally unthankful business. If you are in opulent cir- cumstances it IS best to limit your generosity to such friends only as do not abound in the gifts of fortune, and whose situation denies them the means of indulging their tastes. By them such acts of kindness will be dul)^ appreciated and gratefully remembered; and the article presented will have a double value if it is to them a novelty. In presenting a dress to a friend whose cir- cumstances are not as good as your own, and who you know will gladly receive it, select one of excellent quality, and of a color that you think she will like. She will feel mortified if you give her one that is low-priced, flimsy, and of unbe- coming tint. In making gifts to children choose for them only such things as will afford them somewhat of lasting amusement. Showy toys that are merely to look at, and from which they can de- rive no enjoyment but in breaking them in pieces, are not worth buying THE BEST SOCIETY, i6^ \ CHAPTER XVIIL NEW year’s day reception. The custom of receiving and paying calls on New Year’s Day is confined to New York, Washington and a few other cities. Ladies who entertain elaborately on New Year’s Day usually send out cards of invitation to friends and acquaintances, but it is less cus- tomary to do so. The cards sent out in the name of the hostess are in the following form: Mrs. John Brown. At Home., January first., Jrom one until ten o'clock. 9145 Madison Avenue. If Mrs. Brown’s daughters are to receive with their mother, Misses Brown ” is engraved on the card beneath the mother’s name. If other ladies also receive with her, their visiting cards may be inclosed in the same envelope with the hostess’ invitation. Should a lady invite ac- quaintances to call on her at the house of a friend, she writes the number of the residence THE USAGES OF 164 where she is to receive on her own card, and sends it together with the visiting card of her hostess. If refreshments are provided, the table is in an ante-room, and is spread as if for a reception. A servant opens the street door without waiting for the bell to be rung. The caller leaves one card in the hall, and enters the drawing-room, hat in hand, or he may leave it in the hall with his cane and overcoat. The hostess offers her hand to her guest when he enters and presents him to her friends — at least to the ladies, to whom he bows. If refreshments have been pro- vided, a servant offers a cup of coffee. If the rooms are crowded, the caller may, if he wishes, seek the table without invitation, and a servant supplies his wants. If a lady wishes to receive her friends in- formally, or rather less formally, she writes ^‘January First” on her visiting cards, and sends them to the friends whom she wishes to see on New Year’s Day. It is not necessary to mention any hours, as the gentleman takes it for granted that he is expected to call between twelve M. and ten in the evening, the conven- tional time. The formalities observed are the same as for more elaborate receptions. A bas- ket is suspended from the door-handle as a re- ceptacle for the cards of those who call if the ladies of the house do not receive on New Year’s Day. Many gentlemen who cannot visit at this time inclose visiting cards in envelopes and send them by messenger on New Year’s morning, or they drive from door to door and leave the THE BEST SOCIETY, 165 cards in person, the right hand side being folded over to show their friends that the card was not sent by a servant. A gentlemaa leaves a card for each lady, and if he wishes to be very cour teous he leaves a card for a clergyman or an elderly gentleman, writing over his own name, on his card: For Mr. . A writer on the etiquette observed in New York upon this day says: Ladies who receive in a general way whoever chooses to call on them are now almost certain that the old-time crowds which thronged all open doors a decade ago will no longer intrude upon those from whom they are uncertain even of a recognition. A gentleman must receive some unmistakable intimation that his congratulatory visit at this time will be agreeable to the ladies of a house- hold before he ventures upon a visit, as, for in- stance, he may be assured of a welcome by the fact that the ladies of his own household inter- change civilities with the family whose name he places upon his visiting list.” THE [/SAGES OF I6fe CHAPTER XIX. DRIVING AND RIDING. It IS the fashion for young ladies to drive young men out in their pony-phaetons, with a groom behind, or even without a groom; but a gentleman never takes a lady in his own oar- riage without a servant. Gentlemen and ladies walk together in the daytime unattended, but if they ride on horse- back a groom is always in attendance on the lady. In rural neighborhoods, where there are no grooms, and where a young lady and gentle- man go ok for a drive unattended, they have thrown Old World etiquette out of the window, and must make a new etiquette of their own. In driving in a carriage with ladies, a gentle- man should take his seat with his back to the horses, nor should he sit beside a lady unless re- quested by her to do so. When the carriage stops, he should jump out and assist her to alight, walking with her up her own steps and ringing the bell. In entering the carriage, he should put his left foot on the step and enter the carriage with his right foot. This is, however, supposing that he sits facing the horses; if he sits with his back to the horses, he THE BEST SOCIETY, 167 reverses the process. A gentleman should avoid treading on ladies’ dresses, or shutting them in the door. Ladies who have country houses should learn to drive as well as to ride. A dress for driving should be plain and dark colored, and not one which seems to defy dust, sun and rain. A lady’s riding-habit is very plain and free from ornament, usually black or dark green, of woolen stuff and close-fitting. The gloves should be strong buff leather, coming up well upon the wrist; the whip light and plain. Every lady who rides should understand the construction and fastenings of her horse’s equip- ments as well as she does her own; and be able, in case of necessity, to bridle and saddle her horse for herself. The dependence upon men for every service of this kind is ridiculous. When they are at hand, make them useful, but be able to do without them when needful. A lady can scarcely be expected to have the agility to mount her horse from the ground without assistance, though with a well trained horse, she may readily mount from the steps or horse-block. But the best horse-block (?) is a friend who knows his duty, and a sensible lady will have no other. The lady places herself with her back to the near side of the horse — the near side of the horse is the left side, the side on which a lady rides and on which everybody mounts — the reins gathered in her right hand, with which she also grasps the near crutch of the saddle. The gen- tleman, standing before her, stoops down, and i68 THE USAGES OF clasping his hands, offers them as a stirrup; she puts her left foot into his hands, and her left hand upon his right shoulder; then, holding herself firmly, she allows herself to be raised to the saddle. When a gentleman rides with a lady he would naturally take the left or near side, as better able to protect her and converse with her, but as his horse might rub against her, or spatter her dress, it is customary for him to ride on the off side. In dismounting, the lady takes the reins in the right hand, as before, her knee from the crutch, her foot from the stirrup, and, seeing that her dress is clear, either springs lightly to her feet, or puts her hand on the shoulder of the gentleman who stands read to assist her, and so jumps to the ground. A lady’s right hand is the whip hand^ the left, is the bridle hand. A lady must sit so as to bear her weight on the center of the saddle, so as to carry her shoulders square with the horse and well back; carry the elbows near the body, but not too stiffly. When a lady, while her horse is in a smart trot, can look over on the right side fat enough to see her horse’s shoe, she is well in her seat. It is good practice for a lady to ride for a time without touching reins or stirrup, to get the proper balance of a firm seat, and to be able to lean forward, or back, or to either side, an- ticipating every movement of the animal; carry a steady, even hand with a horse, and let him know what he has to depend upon. When he rears, give him a slack rein and meet him by THE BEST SOCIETY. i6q leaning forward, otherwise the horse may be pulled over on his rider. Sawing the mouth or pulling alternately on each rein, will often compel a runaway horse to stop when a steady pull on the bit only seems to aid his speed. So letting the reins loose a mo- ment, and suddenly pulling up, may stop him, but so suddenly as to throw the rider if not well prepared. When a horse is frightened at any object, the way to impress the terror firmly is to whip him for it. If soothed and encouraged to examine the object, his fears will be removed. But there are horses of a highly nervous tem- perment that are never safe for a moment and are, of course, unsuited to a lady. THE USAGES OF 1^Q CHAPTER XX. IMPORTANT GENERAL CONSIDERATIONS. A French girl is not allowed to cross the street, to say nothing of shopping or calling, without being accompanied by an elder woman, her mother, relative or friend, as a chaperon. An English girl is also a victim, though perhaps in a less degree, to this duenna system. To the freedom from espionage and the independence enjoyed by a young woman in American society is due in a great measure the self-reliance, the self-confidence, the frankness and straightfor- wardness, qualities which are the characteristics of our American girls. Of late there has been considerable discussion of the chaperon question by writers upon American society, and during the past few years there has been a tendency to- ward a closer imitation of all English etiquette, which has brought in its train a stricter con- struction of the duties of a chaperon than is consistent with the traditions and the healthy atmosphere of our society. The chaperon in any society is a necessity in so far as the maturer experience and judgment of a matron is needed to aid and correct the inexperience or ignorance of young girls; but what is needed is a rational THE BEST SOCIETY. 171 chaperon system, one that is based upon com- mon sense and not upon an imitation of restric- tions imposed by the demands of an entirely different state of society; one that is adaptable to a thousand varying times and conditions; one that will play an important part in the develop- ment and proper education of daughters, and not one that will degrade them by a supervision analogous to that of a suspicious police. Any rules specifying the occasions when a chaperon is requisite that fail to make a distinc- tion between the young girl and the unmarried woman of thirty are simply ridiculous. Although the matron may have many social du- ties to perform, she should not permit her daugh- ters to attend a ball ora theater party unguard- ed by the restraining influence of her presence. She must forget herself, and, willing or not, ac- company them to balls and parties and sit un- murmuring to the end of the dance, or else rele- gate this duty to some young married woman, whose aid and guidance may be relied on. There may, of course, be occasions when young women may go into general society with- out the protection of a chaperon, but as a rule they should be few and far between, for there are a thousand little contingencies wherein the experience of an older person is needed, and a look from the lady under whose care she is temporarily placed may save the girl from some imprudence for which she would afterward be ashamed. A young lady is sometimes invited to dinner without her parents; in such a case, if she has 172 THE USAGES OF no one to accompany her, she must go early and be chaperoned by the hostess. When gentlemen call, they should at once be shown into the common sitting-room and their visit should be shared with the rest of the fam- ily; this saves the embarrassment of taking the visit wholly to one’s self. If a family is so situ- ated that the mother cannot spare time from her domestic duties to receive the casual visits of friends, her daughter had better assist her than to sit dressed up, every day, at calling hours, unemployed, awaiting the entrance of visitors. A young lady should never ask a gen- tleman to call on her — her mother may do so — but if a gentleman asks if he may call, she would say yes. What a young girl may or may not do can hardly be regulated by any set rules of etiquette. The matter must in a measure be left to each one’s sense of propriety, and the standard changed as circumstances demand. A few things that a young lady may not do might be suggested. She should, if possible, endeavor to avoid all pecuniary obligations to gentlemen. Young men often think it a neces- sary piece of politeness to pay for ladies when they can ill afford it; therefore it is safest to make a rule, subject, perhaps, to an exception now and then, never to receive such favors from young men. Accepting presents from a gentleman, unless engaged to him, is a dangerous thing. Some men conclude from your taking one gift from them that you will accept another, and think THE BEST SOCIETY, 173 themselves encouraged by it to offer their hearts to you; but even when no misapprehension of this kind follows it is better to avoid all such ob- ligations, and if you make it a general rule never to accept a present from a gentleman, you will avoid hurting any one’s feelings and save yourself from some perplexity. Of all the votive offerings made to a young girl, flowers are the most beautiful and unex- ceptional. When it is the fashion for gentlemen to present bouquets to their friends, so many are given that it seems more a tribute to the sex than a mark of particular regard, and their per- ishable nature releases them from the ban put upon more enduring memorials. You can accept and wear flowers, and to refuse them would be unnecessary rigor. In a general statement it maybe as well to say that etiquette would prevent a young lady from receiving gifts from gentlemen, except flowers and bonbonnieres. It is not considered proper for her to accept jewelery from any one but a relative or her fiancee just before marriage. If it is un- safe to receive presents it is doubly so to make them to gentlemen, and this never should be done except in very unusual instances. Each one can best decide this matter for herself. Where a doubt exists, the wisest course is to give one’s self the benefit, by making no pres- ents to gentlemen. A friendly correspondence is very proper, if the mother approves, but even this has its dan- gers. How to allow a gentleman a proper degree of 174 the usages OE friendly intimacy without allowing him to think himself too much of a favorite; here one can bring in neither custom nor etiquette to decide. One very general law would be, not to accept too many attentions, and to show a certain re- serve in dancing with him or driving with him. It is always proper for a gentleman to take a young lady out to drive in his dog-cart, with his servant behind, if her parents approve, but if it is done very often it looks conspicuous, and the lady runs the risk of being considered engaged. It is a pity that the thousandth chance of a gen- tleman becoming a lover should deprive a girl of the pleasure of a free, unembarrassed friend- ship with the single men of her acquaintance. Yet such is too commonly the case with young ladies who have read many novels and ro- mances. Since the etiquette of engagements has be- come so much more elaborate than formerly, society in large cities insists rather imperatively that affianced people shall not go to theaters, balls, parties, etc., alone; a chaperon should al- ways accompany them. Nothing is considered in worse taste than for an engaged couple to go alone to a restaurant for luncheon or to go their unattended by a chaperon after the theater for a supper. In some places the sentiment is a different one, and often young people care very little what society says. Even if mothers are careless, or there is no mother, a young lady should select a chap- eron; some one who is careful and a mistress of etiquette, and should rarely appear in public THE BEST SOCIETY. 175 with her betrothed without this third person. A ludy should be extremely guarded during her engagement in her manner toward other men. She should not correspond with them, nor permit those attentions which as a belle and an unaffianced girl were her right. She must avoid even the appearance of coquetry, while a lover should avoid all display of jealousy and all airs of mastership. The usual first attention to a young lady by the family of her fiancee is a dinner party. Her mother, in her turn, invites the groom’s family to a dinner or evening party, and from that time he is asked everywhere with the lady to whom he is engaged. Indeed, it would be a great slight to invite one without the other after the engagement is announced, excepting, of course, to a lady’s lunch or a bachelor dinner party. After the cards are out for the wedding the lady is not seen at any party or public place. An engaged couple can accept gifts from each other, and it is quite proper for her to visit his family, if he have a mother and sisters. A man must testify interest in the family of which he is about to become a member, without claiming a place. He must be devoted but not familiar, and remember that he is a petitioner and on his good behavior. Well-bred lovers will not com- pletely ignore those who are about them, nor allow themselves to be too much absorbed in each other. There used to be an age of the world when it was regarded as highly indecorous for lovers to evince so ostentatiously their wish to be alone 176 THE USAGES OF that everybody and everything had to give way to this desire. We would fain hope that the age has not disappeared altogether, but that a por- tion of its spirit pervades the present. Lovers in poorer life naturally find it impossible to be much alone. They have their trades to attend to, their living to make, their domestic duties to perform, and between all these numerous calls upon them, they find it impossible to bill and coo as much as they could wish. Lovers in the rich circles of life are restrained by the conven- tionalities of the society amid which they move. There may be depraved sections of this society, but depravity, when it moves in refined chan- nels, is compelled to keep a close espionage over itself, and dare not sanction, even in the inno- cent, that which has the appearance of impro- priety. We have not yet referred to lOvers among people of moderate circumstances — what might be called our middle class if we had any such distinction of classes here — because, though they are more numerous in this country than in any other, there are a fewer number of persons dis- posed to admit that they belong to it. It is among average persons of this extensive class that lovers of both sexes abound, who, thinking that they are made for each other, drop into the error of also believing that other people were made for them, and that the time and conven- ience of these other people are to be sacrificed in order that Chloe and Strephon may have the parlor all to themselves for as many hours as they choose. THE BEST SOCIETY, 177 But everywhere are to be found instances of selfish and egotistic lovers, who have the thoughtlessness to imagine that they can ‘‘make love ” to each other in the most open and candid way, without its being perceived or suspected by the friends, kinsmen or strangers among whom they move. The anxiety which these eccentrics, innocent though it may be, evince to be alone, has a certain savor that is utterly devoid of all delicacy and refinement. First love, whether in man or in woman, in spite of all the foolishness that so often accompanies it, is a beautiful and sacred thing. Consequent- ly it is not a thing to be paraded before all the world, and to be so conducted that everybody has the advertisement of its existence forced upon him. As a rule, nothing is more interest- ing than a pair of true lovers, whether the ob- server be married or single, husband or wife, widower or widow, bachelor or spinster. There is something in the first sweet blossoming of the great passion that captivates all the world, ex- cepting a few moralists or cynics whom nature has not blessed with even the average richness of sentiment. But lovers, knowing they are in- teresting, ought not to presume upon the in- terest too much. As a rule, when not bound by the necessities and conventionalities above men- tioned, they show their selfishness in a striking and odious manner. Since each is sacred to the other, each expects that the other shall be held sacred by everybody else. Hence the Elvinos and Aminas of modern life are a very exacting set. The young woman expects that everybody 178 THE USAGES OE shall find her betrothed perfect, or, at least, shall express no sense of his imperfections. Kindred and friends are imperatively required to prac- tice a golden silence so far as the possible pecca- bility of the divine object is concerned. Of course there is much that is beautiful in the de- mand that, for true love’s sake, if the necessity arise, a man shall forsake father and mother and cling unto his wife. To this, one can exclaim vice versa with all his heart. And the facts that Chloe and Strephon oftentimes begin to yawn before the retirement of the honeymoon is fairly over, and that the advent of a third person, which a few short weeks before would have been regarded as intolerable, is now hailed with de- light, are proofs that the best happiness of young lovers is not promoted by their selfish- ness and their wish to seclude themselves from ail other society. THE BEST SOCIETY, 1/9 CHAPTER XXL BRIEF HINTS. A young lady does not shake hands after an introduction. She makes a bow or a courtesy. The latter mode of receiving is coming into fashion. A bow, says La Fontaine, is a note drawn at sight. You are bound to acknowledge it immediately, and to the full amount. Ac- cording to circumstances it should be respect- ful, cordial, civil or familiar. If a gentleman is smoking, he manages to withdraw his cigar be- fore lifting his hat. A gentleman on horseback, who sees a lady wishes to stop him, will dismount and walk by her side, leading his horse. For there are few occasions on which it is permissible to stand while talking in the street A lady may permit a gentleman who is walk- ing with her to carry any small parcel that she has, but never more than one. When a gentleman joins a lady on the street, turning to walk with her, he is not obliged to escort her home. He can take his leave without making any apology, etc. r8o THE USAGES OF A lady may request a gentleman not to keep his hat off while standing in the street, or at her carriage, to talk with her; but a gentleman should never say to a lady, in her own house : ‘‘Do not rise,” in taking leave of her. If he is a young man, she will not think of rising; if he is her elder, she will rise notwithstanding his re- quest, etc. Should any one really wish to avoid a bowing acquaintance with a person who has once been properly introduced, she may do so by looking aside, or dropping the eyes as the person ap- proaches, for if the eyes meet there is no alterna- tive, bow she must. A lady who invites a gentleman to accompany her to any place of amusement should provide the carriage. A gentleman sits opposite to the lady, in her carriage, and not by her side unless invited. When a lady offers to drive a gentleman in her phaeton, he should walk to her house, if he accepts the invitation, unless, the distance being great, she should propose to call for him. Under such circumstances, he will be on the watch, and, if possible, meet her on the way. If a lady takes a guest out to drive, the lady, of course, takes her home when she chooses. A guest could not suggest the termination of the drive. For a wedding: When the circle of friends on both sides is very extensive, it is customary to THE BEST SOCIETY, i8i send invitations to those who are not called to a wedding breakfast to attend the ceremony at church. This stands in place of issuing cards. No one must think of calling on the newly mar- ried who has not received an invitation to the ceremony at church, or cards after their estab- lishment in their new home. The bride’s father provides the carriages for the members of his own household; the groom the one in which he and the bride return from church. Groomsmen, about whom questions are often asked, and by whom are meant a body of young men, similar in number to the bridesmaids, are unknown in the best society. Their places are supplied at weddings by the ushers. Some ladies give an afternoon tea the day be- fore their marriage to show their presents to a few intimate friends. When a bride appears for the first time at a din- ner, she takes precedence of every one, no matter how high the rank of another may be, provided such appearance is within three months of her marriage. The groom does not obtain any pre- cedence. The bride often wears her wedding dress for the first large dinners and parties. The orange blossoms must be removed, as they are only per- missible on the wedding day. It is, of course, obligatory to acknowledge an 1 82 THE USAGES OF invitation to a wedding breakfast at once, as people naturally wish to know the number of guests they may expect. Do not acknowledge an invitation to a church wedding. Bachelors always request the pleasure or the honor of your company. It is not proper for a gentleman to describe himself as at home.’’ He must request the pleasure.” The question, should cards and notes of invi- tation be sent to people in mourning, is answer- ed by a decided, yes, they should. Of course no one can be so heartless as to intrude a gay Invitation upon a person who has had a death in the house under a month. But after that, al- though it is a mere idle compliment, the compli- ment should be paid. After a certain period of mourning, usually a year, the bereaved family should send cards, marked in black, to all who have thus remembered them. A lady, who from age, illness, or great occu- pation, has no time to make calls is permitted to discharge all her social obligations by invit- ing all her friends to see her once in the year. Cards bearing the names of the whole family, as Mr. a7id Mrs. J ones The Misses Jones. can be left once a year, or sent out for a tea, or THE BEST SOCIETY 183 for the more formal business of beginning the season. But for subsequent and more particu- lar calls, it is better to have a personal card for each member of the famih/, except for a young lady in the first season. Her name should al- ways appear on her mother’s card. If she be other than the eldest unmarried daughter, her first name is engraved, and if it is the first so- ciety year of the two daughters, both their names are engraved, in full, beneath their moth- er’s, and prefixed by misses. The name of the lady or gentleman for whom the card is intended, must never be v^ritten on the card left at the house; the only case in which it should be done, would be when cards are left for a lady or gentleman staying at a crowded hotel, when, to save confusion, their names might be written on the card: For Mr. and Mrs. . Visiting cards should be left after every en- tertainment by those who have been invited, whether they accept the invitation or not, and they should be left the day after the entertain- ment, if possible, but certainly within a week. By entertainment is meant dinners, balls, pri- vate theatricals, amateur concerts, etc. A call is necessary after a dinner party; on the other occasions, a card left is sufficient to satisfy the demands of fashion. In the country it is more usual to call than to leave cards 184 THE USAGES OF A lady cannot leave cards on another lady to whom she has but recently been introduced, either at a dinner, or a tea. She must meet her several times in society, and feel certain that the acquaintance is desired before venturing to leave cards. If either of the ladies express a wish to further the acquaintance by asking the other to call upon her, the suggestion would come from the lady of highest social position ; if equal in rank, it is immaterial who makes the suggestion. When entertainments require answers to the invitations, they should be made immediately, and in the same style and degree of formality as the language chosen by the hostess. Ladies who give parties should be very par- ticular, indeed, to see that they actually do write all the cards they intend to write, as very frequently the mistake is made by their omit- ting to do so, though they feel and say they are quite positive they wrote the card in ques- tion. Only one person should be intrusted with tne task of writing the invitations; if more do so, confusion is certain to arise. Many ladies pre- fer to leave their invitations themselves; but this takes time, and in these days of innumer- able occupations, it is hardly possible to find the requisite time. A wise plan is to trust the invitations to the post, or to send them by a servant. It is a mistake to send out cards as they are THE BEST SOCIETY. 185 written; it is f?.r better to write them all, check them by the list, and send them all out together, not only because thus omission and mistakes are more readily detected, but also because, if all receive them at the same time, none feel slight- ed, or fancy that they have only been asked as an after thought. Invitations from younger ladies to elder ones should invariably be preceded by a call. Never enter into explanations concerning those whom you do not invite. When you ex- plain, it is to give up completely your own rights. Explanations are sometimes bad things. It is a mark of good breeding to pass over in silence all omissions and commissions. After stopping with a friend living in another city than your own, write at once after your re- turn home. After visiting a friend at her coun- try seat, a call is due her upon her return to her town residence. The letters your friends write, after having visited you, do not require answers. To delay to answer an invitation — especially one to dinner — is extremely ill-bred. The cul- prits are generally either under-bred people, who fancy it makes them of importance to pay no attention to the card, or else they are people who never entertain themselves, and, therefore, have no idea of the inconvenience they are caus- ing. Answers should always be sent im- mediately THE USAGES OF 1 86 In replying to a note of invitation, say you have much pleasure in accepting, or you accept with pleasure, never you will have the pleasure of accepting. If an invitation is refused, it is courteous to state the reason. Regret extremely that a pre vious engagement, etc. Never write the word ^‘regrets” on your card, unless you wish to in- sult your hostess. No one should, in the matter of accepting or refusing an invitation, economize his politeness. It is better to err on the other side. In notes of invitation, Mr. and Mrs.'’ must be written on one line, and not separated. It is now very usual to ask only one daughter to a ball, and though the name of both father and mother are often — though not invariably — put on the card, it is well understood that only one is to appear In sending out invitations to a ball, if one considers that her rooms will accomodate about eighty, from one hundred to one hundred and ten might be invited It is fatal to the reputation of a ball that it should be spoken of as an awful crowd.” Fourteen is a very dangerous number to in- vite to a dinner party. There is always the danger that some guest may fail to appear, and strange as it may seem to rational, people there really are so many persons so very childish as to be nervous about dining thirteen. It is better THE BEST SOCIETY, 187 to avoid fourteen. Sixteen or twelve guests, it is always safe to invite. If the invitations are for a quarter before eight, the guests should be in the house before the clock strikes eight ; if for eight o’clock — now the usual hour — the guests arrive by five minutes past. One invitation to a dinner in the season, whether accepted or declined, is the usual rule, except occasionally in the case of very intimate friends There has been, during the last season, a re- turn to the old-fashioned quadrille, a most valu- able dance, as all ages, sizes and conditions of men and women can join in it. A society paper, apropos of this dance, gives the following elabor- ate directions for making a courtesy: To make a courtesy properly is a very difficult act, yet all who dance the quadrille must learn it. To courtesy to her partner, the lady steps off her right foot, carrying nearly all her weight on it, at the same time raising the heel of her left foot, thus placing herself in the second position, facing her partner, counting one. She then glides the left foot backward and across, till the toe of the left foot is directly behind the right heel, the feet about one-half the length of the foot apart. This glide commences on the ball of the left foot and terminates with both feet flat upon the floor, and the transfer of the weight to the backward foot. The bending of the knees and the casting down of the eyes begin with t88 THE USAGES OF the commencement of the glide with the left foot, and the genuflexion is steadily continued until the left foot reaches the position required, counting two. Then, without changing the weight from the backward foot, she gradually rises, at the same time raising the forward heel, and lifting the eyes until she recovers her full height, counting three., and finally she transfers the weight to the forward foot, counting four. Such is the elaborate and graceful courtesy.” It should be studied with a master. Genteel is an extremely vulgar word, and is never used in good society. Both “gentleman friend” and “lady friend ” are expressions to be avoided. All slang is vulgar. It lowers the tone of society and the standard of thought. It is a great mistake to suppose that slang is in any way witty. Omy the very young or the uncul- tivated so consider it. Scandal is the least excusable of all conversa- tional vulgarities. “ Gossip is a troublesome sort of insect that only buzzes about your ears, and never bites deep; slander is the beast of prey that leaps upon you from his den and tears you in pieces. Slander is the proper object of rage ; gossip of contempt.” Interruption of the speech of others is a great sin against good breeding. If you interrupt a speaker in the middle of his sentence, you act almost as rudely, as if, when walking with a THE BEST SOCIETY. i8g companion, you were to thrust yourself before him and stop his progress To listen well is almost as great an act as to talk well. Young persons can but appear absurd when satirizing or ridiculing books, people or things. Good manners are the shadows of virtues, if not the virtues themselves A disagreeable woman can always find pre- cedents for being formal and chilling; a fine- tempered woman can always find reasons enough for being agreeable. Some one calls politeness “benevolence in trifles, the preference of others to ourselves in little, daily, hourly occurrences in the business of life, a better place, or more commodious seat, priority in being helped at table,” etc. A friendly behavior often conciliates and pleases more than wit or brilliancy. The higher the civilization of a community, the more careful it is to preserve the elegance of its social forms. It is quite as easy to express a perfect breeding in the fashionable formalities of cards as by any other method, and perhaps, indeed, it is the safest herald of an introduction for a stranger. The forms and qualities of cards and their style'of engraving are a matter in which a deli- cate taste is not thrown away. This has been mentioned before and we emphasize it. THE USAGES OF I go In returning visits, observe the exact etiquette of the person who has left the first card. A call must not be returned with a card only, or a card by a call. If a person send you a card by post, return a card by post; if a personal visit is made, return it by a personal visit ; if 3^our acquaint- ance leaves cards only, without inquiring if 3^ou are at home, return the same courtesy. If she has left the cards of the gentlemen of her fam- ily, return those of the gentlemen of your family. A lady calling where there was a daughter or daughters, would leave a separate card for the daughters, but she would not leave her hus- band’s cards for the daughters. Calling where there are sons, she would leave her husband’s cards for them, but she would not leave her own card for them. No lady should leave cards for an unmarried gentleman, except in the case of his having given entertainments at which ladies were pres- ent. Then the lady of the house should drive to his door with the cards of herself and family, allowing the footman to leave them. ^‘Not at home,” is the understood formula expressive of not wishing to see visitors. Not at home is not intended to imply an untruth, but rather to signify that for some reason or reasons it is not desirable to see visitors; and as it would be impossible to explain to acquaint- ances the why and wherefore of the inconven- ience, the formula, not at home,” is all suffix THE BEST SOCIETY, 191 cient explanation, provided always that the serv- ant is able to give a direct answer at once of not at home.” The mistress of a house should be especially careful to let her servant know, be- fore the calling hours, whether she intends to be at home to receive visitors or not. In order to have time to themselves, ladies have their regu- lar reception day, which, engraved on their cards, announces the fact, and on all other days, except to intimate friends, they are not at home.” Nothing is in worse taste than that a caller should ask the servant where her mistress is, when she went out, when she will be in, how soon she will be down, etc. All that a well-bred servant should say to such questions is, “ I do not know, madam.” A lady having even a moderate acquaintance should have a visiting-book in which to enter the names of acquaintances, addresses, and note calls made and calls due. In sending invita- tions for parties, weddings, or entertainments, it is invaluable. An invitation extended to a gentleman who is a new acquaintance, without mentioning the probable time of being able to receive him, is equivalent to no invitation at all, and the bid- den person need not hazard a call. No cards,” used in announcing a marriage in a newspaper, means that the bride and bride- groom wish to maintain all their former visiting 192 THE USAGES OF acquaintances. The custom of sending out cards enables them to drop such acquaintances as they may not choose to retain in the altered circumstances of their lives. If the wedded pair commence life in a house of their own, it is customary to issue ‘‘at home” cards for a few afternoons or evenings at no dis- tant date, unl-ess the marriage occurs in early summer, when these informal receptions are de layed until the autumn. Only such persons are invited as the young people choose to keep as friends, or perhaps only those whom they can afford to retain. It is an easy opportunity for carefully rearranging one’s social list, because there are limitations to hospitality which are frequently more necessary than agreeable. This list of old friends and acquaintances cannot be too seriously considered and sifted, and no mo- ment is so favorable as at the beginning of housekeeping The omission of reception cards is taken as a communicative and intelligent silence, which may cause regret, but cannot give offense. It only declares that by marriuge the new house- hold has doubled the number of its kinspeople and friends by uniting two families. That is all. The young couple are not expected, unless fortune has been exceptionally kind to them, to be immediately responsive in the matter of en- tertainments. The outer world is only too happy to entertain them. Nothing can be more THE BEST SOCIETY imprudent than for a young couple to rush into expenditures which may endanger their future happiness and peace of mind, nor should they feel that they are obliged at once to return the dinners and parties given to them. The time will come, doubtless, when they will be able to do so. But the announcement of a day on which the bride will receive her friends is almost indispens- able. The refreshments on this occasion should not exceed tea and cake, or, at the most, tea, chocolate and cakes, which may be placed on a table at one end of the room, or may be handed by a waiter. Bouillon^ on a cold day in win- ter is also in order, and is, perhaps, the most serviceable of all simple refreshments. Colored note-paper, so common a few years ago, is no longer in use. A few pale-greens, greys, blues and lilacs have, indeed, found a place in fashionable stationary, but at present no color that is appreciable is considered stylish, unless it be Icru^ which is only creamy white. A long truce is at last bidden to the fanciful, emblazoned and colored monogram; the crest and cipher are laid on the shelf, so a writer of authority assures us, and ladies have simply the address of their city residence, or the name of their country place, printed in one corner (gen- erally in color, or latest device of fashion), a fac simile of their initials, carefully engraved, and dashed across the corner of the note-paper. The day of the week, also copied from their own 194 THE USAGES OF handwriting, is often impressed upon the square cards now so much in use for short notes. There is one fashion which has never changed, and will never change, which is always in good taste, and which, perhaps, would be to-day the most perfect of all styles, and that is gbod, plain, thick English note-paper, folded square, put in a square envelope, and sealed with red sealing- wax. No one can make a mistake who uses such stationery as this in any part of the world. Many ladies prefer the monogram; it is, how- ever, a past, rather than a present, fashion. The ink should be invariably black. Purple and li- lac inks are not elegant, they are not in fashion, the best note-writers do not use them. The plain black ink, which gives the written char- acters great distinctness, is the only fashionable medium. Every lady should study to acquire an elegant, free, and educated hand; there is nothing so use- ful, so certain to commend the writer every- where, as such a chirography; while a poor, cramped, slovenly, uneducated, unformed hand- writing is sure to produce the impression upon the reader that those qualities are more or less indicative of the writer’s character. The angu- lar English hand is at present the fashion, al- though less legible and not more beautiful than the round hand. The laws of etiquette do not permit us, in THE BEST SOCIETY, 195 writing a note, to use numericals, as 3, 4, 5, but demand that we write out three,, four^ jive. No abbreviations should be allowed in a note to a friend, as “ sh. be glad to see you one must write out, I should be glad to see you.” A note in answer to an invitation should be written in the third person, if the invitation be in the third person. No abbreviations, no visi- ble hurry, but an elaborate and finished cere^ mony should mark such epistles. Approach the business of writing a note with a certain thought- fulness. If it is necessary to write it hastily, summon all your powers of mind and try to make it brief, intelligible and comprehensive. Above all things, spell correctly. No letter or note should be written on ruled paper. Every young person should learn to write without lines. The square cards are much used, and are quite largh enough for the transmission of all that a lady ordinarily wishes to say in giving or ac- cepting an invitation. The day of the week and the address are often printed on the card. Square envelopes have taken the place of the oblong ones. ^ The elegance of a table depends essentially upon its drapery. The plainest of meats is made a banquet if the linen be fresh, fine and smooth, and the most sumptuous repast can be ruined by a soiled and crumpled table-cloth. The house- wife who wishes to conduct the house in ele- gance must make up her mind to use five or six THE USAGES OF sets of napkins, and to have several dozens of each ready for possible demands. A napkin should never be put on the table a second time until it has been re-washed; there- fore napkin rings should be abandoned — rele- gated to the nursery tea-table. Breakfast napkins are of a smaller size than dinner napkins, and are very pretty if they bear the initial letter of the family in the center. Those of fine double damask, with a simple de- sign, to match the table-cloth, are pretty. It is not economy to buy colored cloths, for they must be washed as often as if they were white, and no color stands the hard usage of the laun- dry as well as pure white. Colored napery is, therefore, the luxury of a well-appointed coun- try house, and has its use in making the break- fast and luncheon look a little unlike the dinner. Never use a parti-colored damask for the dinner- table. For dinner, large and handsome napkins, care- fully ironed and folded simply, with a piece of bread beside it, should lie at each plate. These should be removed when the^ fruit course is brought, and with each finger-bowl should be a colored napkin, with which to dry the fingers. Never fasten your napkin around your neck; lay it across your knees, convenient to the hand, and lift one corner only to wipe the mouth. At the close of a fashionable meal no one folds his or her napkin; at a social tea or breakfast, each follows the hostess’ example in this respect. THE BEST SOCIETY. 197 On elegant tables, each plate or cover,” for dinner, is accompanied by two large silver knifes; a small silver knife and fork for fish, a small fork for the oysters on the half shell, a large tablespoon for soup, and three large forks. Fish should be eaten with silver knife and fork, for if it is full of bones, like shad, for in- stance, it is very difficult to manage it without the aid of a knife. For sweetbreads, cutlets, etc., the knife is also necessary; but for the croquettes., rissoles, trinbales, and dishes of that class, the fork alone is needed. Pears and apples should be peeled with a sil- ver knife, cut into quarters, and then picked up with the fingers. Grapes should be eaten from behind the half-closed hand, the stones and skin falling into the fingers unobserved, and thence to the plate. The pineapple is almost the only fruit which requires both knife and fork. A knife and fork are both used in eating salad, if it is not cut up before serving. A large let- tuce leaf cannot be easily managed without a knife, and, of course, th*e fork must be used to carry it to the mouth. Thus as bread, butter, and cheese are served with the salad, the salad- knife and fork are really essential. Salt-cellars are now put at each plate, and it is not improper to take salt with one’s knife. In using a spoon, be very careful not to put it too far into the mouth. For the coffee after din- ner, a very small spoon is served, as a large one 198 THE C/SAGES OF would be out of place in the small cups that are used. For a servant, neatness is indispensable; a slovenly and inattentive servant betrays a slov- enly household. The servants often do their employers great injustice. They are slow to re- spond to the bell, they give uncivil answers, they deny one person and admit another, they fail to deliver notes, they are insolent, they neglect the orders of the mistress when she is out. We can- not expect perfection in our domestic service, but it is possible, by painstaking and patient teaching, to make a respectable and helpful serv- ing class. Servants are very apt to take their tone from their employers — to be civil if they are civil, and insolent if they are insolent. A hostess should never reprove her servants in the presence of her guests; it is cruel both to guest and servant, and always shows the mistress in an unamiable light. Whatever may go wrong, the lady of the house should remain calm. The one thing which every lady must firmly demand from her servants, is respect. She can at least gain outward respect by insisting upon having it, and by showing her servants that she regards it as even a greater desideratum than the the efficient discharge of duties. The mistress must not lose her temper. She must be calm, imperturbable, and dignified always. If she gives an order, she must insist, at whatever per- sonal cost, that it shall be obeyed. Pertinacity and inflexibility on this point are well bestowed. A servant cannot be too carefully taught her THE BEST SOCIETY, igg duty to visitors. She should treat all callers with respect and civility, but at the same tim^ she should be able to discriminate between friend and foe, and not unwarily admit those in- numerable cheats, frauds and beggars, who, in a respectable garb, force an entrance to one’s house for the purpose of theft, or, perhaps, to sell a cement for broken crockery, or the latest thing in hair-dye. To assure your servants that you believe them to be honest, is to fix in them habits of honesty. To respect their rights, their hours of recreation, their religion, their feelings, to teach them to read and write and to make their clothes, so that they may be useful to themselves when they leave servitude — all this is the pleasureable duty of a good mistress, and such a course makes good servants. Familiarity with servants always arouses their contempt; a mistress can be kind without being familiar. She must remember that the servant looks up to her over the great gulf of a different condition of life and habit — over the great gulf of ignorance, and that in the order of nature she should respect not only the person in authority, but the being, as superior to herself. This salu- tary influence is thrown away if the mistress de- scends to familiarity and intimacy. Servants should wear their shoes in the house, and be told to step lightly, not to slam doors, or drop china, or to rattle forks and spoons. If to neatness, good manners and faithfulness be 200 THE C/SAGES OF added a clear head, an active body, and respect- ful manner, we have that rare article — a perfect servant. A great drawback to balls in America is the lack of convenience for those who wish to re- main seated. In Europe, where the elderly are first considered, seats are placed around the room, somewhat high, for the chaperons, and at their feet sit the debutantes. These red-covered sofas, in two tiers as it were, are brought in by the upholsterer, as we hire chairs for the crowd- ed musicals or readings so common in large cities, and are very convenient. It is strange that all large halls are not furnished with them, as they mak^e every one comfortable at very lit- tle expense, and add to the appearance of the room. It is not wise for young ladies to join in every dance, nor should a young chaperon dance, leav- ing her prosegec sitting. A lady should not overcrowd her rooms. To put five hundred people in a hot room, with no chairs to rest in, and little air to breathe, is to apply a very cruel test to friendship. In a majority of luxuriant houses, a tea-room is open from the beginning to the end of a ball, frequently in some room of the second story, bouillo7t, tea, coffee and a plate of sand- wiches, or any such light refreshment, for those who do not wish a heavy supper. A large bowl of iced lemonade is also in this room — a most THE BEST SOCIETY, 201 grateful refreshment after leaving a hot ball- room. If a smoking-room has not been provid- ed, it is the heighth of indelicacy for gentlemen to smoke in the dressing-room. The practice of putting crash over carpets has proved so unhealthy to the dancers, on account of the fine fuzz which rises from it in dancing that it is now almost wholly abandoned; and parquet floors are becoming so common, and the dancing on them is so much more agreeable in every way, that ladies have their heavy parlor carpets taken up before a ball rather than lay crash. . t : \