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 m
 
 THE 
 
 TWENTY-NINTH OF MAY 
 
 Sec. SfC,
 
 THE 
 
 TWENTY-NINTH OF MAY 
 
 liare Hof ngs at tf)t Jaejstoration, 
 
 EPHRAIM HARDCASTLE, 
 
 AUTHOR OF " WINE AND WALNUTS.^' 
 
 IN TWO VOL UMES. 
 VOL. I. 
 
 SECOND EDITION. 
 
 LONDON : 
 
 PRINTED FOR KNIGHT AND LACEY. 
 
 PATERNOSTER ROW : 
 
 AND WESTLEY AND TYRRELL, DUBLIN. 
 
 MDCCCXXV.
 
 t-f.e-^t<^y -' vutj-' -\ 
 
 
 LONDON : 
 
 SHACKKLL AND ARROWSMITH, JOHNSON's-CO LKT, FLE BT-STREBT.
 
 PREFACE. IX 
 
 '' With the restoration of the king, 
 (Charles II.) a spirit of extravagant joy 
 spread over the nation, that brought on 
 with it, the throwing off the very pro- 
 fessions of virtue and piety. All ended 
 in entertainments and drunkenness, 
 which overrun the three kingdoms to 
 ,>uch a degree, that it very much cor- 
 "^upted all their morals. Under colour 
 of drinking the king's health, there were 
 great disorders, and much riot every- 
 ^^ where ; and the pretences of religion, 
 i;both in those of the hypocritical sort, 
 ;and of the more honest, but no less 
 c^pernicious enthusiasts, gave great ad- 
 Ivantages, as well as they furnished 
 ^uch matter to the profane mockers of 
 l;rue piety." 
 
 1^^ 764399 
 
 i ^
 
 ERRATA. 
 
 Vol. I. p. 96. for '* Dick Skippon," read " Phil Skippon." 
 Vol. 1. p. 123. for " Henrj," read " Edward." 
 Vol. II. p. 41. line 8. for " Maestra da Capella/' read 
 " Maestro di Ceppella."
 
 CONTENTS 
 
 OP 
 
 THE FIRST VOLUME. 
 
 Page. 
 
 CHAPTER I. 
 A Triumvirate of Roundheads 1 
 
 CHAP. II. 
 
 The Meeting of Old Friends in OUl St. Paul's.. .. 22 
 
 CHAP. III. 
 The Old Black Eagle in an Uproar 43 
 
 CHAP. IV. 
 Strange Doings in Harp Alley 59
 
 Xll COXTENTS. 
 
 Page 
 
 CHAP. V. 
 
 FLEET-STREET. 
 
 Three Fights and a Scratch, in the Way to the 
 Devil 129 
 
 CHAP. VI. 
 The Devil Tavern 142 
 
 CHAP. VII. 
 Davenant's Round Table 163 
 
 CHAP. VIII. 
 The Trumpeters' Supper 211 
 
 CHAP. IX. 
 
 THE MORNING OF THE RESTORATION. 
 
 The Public Breakfast 26i 
 
 Notes 347
 
 TO 
 
 HIS MOST EXCELLENT MAJESTY 
 
 KING GEORGE THE FOURTH, 
 
 THIS ATTEMPT TO DESCRIBE 
 
 Cfjc ittanners of tfjc JSngUsi^ people, 
 
 AT THK 
 
 MEMORABLE PERIOD OF THE RESTORATION, 
 
 IS DEDICATED WITH PROFOUND RESPECT ; 
 
 BY HIS MAJESTY^S DUTIFUL SUBJECT, 
 AND MOST GRATEFUL SERVANT, 
 
 THE AUTHOR.
 
 PREFACE. 
 
 Should it occur to the reader of 
 these volumes, that certain religious 
 persuasions are spoken of with unqua- 
 lified levity, it would be injustice to the 
 author to suppose that such passages 
 were intended to offend the existing 
 members of any sect — He disclaims 
 such an intention. In endeavouring to
 
 Vlll PREFACE. 
 
 describe the manners of the age of 
 Charles the Second, he has made his 
 
 characters to speak, according to the 
 opinions of the times ; and has endea- 
 voured to exhibit, as in a drama, each 
 scene as nearly as could be, with all the 
 local circumstances of that extraordi- 
 nary epoch. 
 
 A coeval historian has left to pos- 
 terity, in his pious reflections upon the 
 period of the restoration, enough to 
 v^^arrant all the. satire and ridicule 
 which the poets and wits of the day 
 bestowed upon the principal actors in 
 this memorable revolution. The obser-^ 
 vations of this author. Bishop Burnett, 
 are thus recorded, in the '* History of 
 his own Times."
 
 THE TWENTY-NINTH OF MAY. 
 
 RARE DOINGS AT THE RESTORATION. 
 
 CHAPTER I. 
 A TRIU>IVIRATE OF ROUNDHEADS. 
 
 " Condemn the fault, and not the actor of ?Y.''— ShakspeAre. 
 
 " Well, heigh-ho ! thank my stars, there is the 
 last finishing touch, and I'Jl be sworn as villain- 
 ous a Beelzebub as ever was manufactured 
 either for love or money ; and if it does not 
 please mine host 'tis no fault of mine : I've 
 done my utmost."'' Thus apostrophized master 
 Matthew Barlow, the noted sign painter of 
 Harp Alley, yawning and stretching himself, 
 with his palette and pencils in one hand at arm's 
 length, and maulstick in the other. " Yes, Tve 
 done my best, and had is the best as they say,'' 
 
 VOL. T. B
 
 2 THE TWENTY-NINTH OF MAY. 
 
 eyeing his work with disgust, " and if ever I 
 attempt the phiz of his sable majesty again, may 
 I be grilled for a thousand years. Look 
 upon it brother Francis, didst ever behold 
 such a thing? 'Tis diabolical for certain, 
 but no devil. Lord, Frank, how old Albert 
 Durer would scratch him off to the life, ergo, 
 his etymology, Old Scratch no doubt. His 
 devils somehow, were so fiendish, smelt -so 
 fresh of brimstone, that the very stokers might 
 laugh, and cry look there, why thats the 
 governor I Now as for mine — 'tis preternatural 
 too, infernally bad, nothing like humanity in 
 the cut and trim of a single feature — unless 
 indeed it has a smack of the hneaments of old 
 crab-faced Prynne * — something 'twixt an utter 
 
 * William Prynne, an eminent English lawyer, but 
 more notorioushj eminent for his puritanical zeal, 
 being one of the triumvirates of fanatics, who were 
 the chief instruments in undermining the established 
 religion of the country, and disseminating opinions to 
 the prejudice of King Charles the First and his court. 
 Indeed, Burton, Prynne, and Bastwick, however un- 
 wittingly, were, in a great degree, the cause of the 
 civil war.
 
 THE TWENTY-NINTH OF MAY. J 
 
 barrister and an owl. AVhip me, if I do not 
 think by a little management, we might contrive 
 to manufacture a decent puritan phiz out of 
 it, and by conversion turn the devil into a saint ; 
 now do get up and tell us what you think of it."" 
 
 *' Why Matt, I cannot compliment you on 
 your tact for limning," said his brother, he, so 
 famed for birds and beasts.* " There is no sin 
 against the commandment in your failure 
 though, for I perceive no likeness of any thing 
 that ever w as, so the old one cannot have book'd 
 you for this evil work.*" 
 
 Now Frank and Matt were not of the same 
 religious and political opinions, subjects which 
 had caused sad divisions in most families in 
 these unhappy times. Matt was, or rather had 
 
 * Francis Barlow was the pupil of Shepherd, a 
 portrait painter. His taste, however, leading him to 
 prefer the study of birds and beasts, he was much 
 employed in the decorating of chimney-pieces, ceilings, 
 stair-cases, &c. His etchings to a folio edition of 
 ^sop's Fables, are well known. He drew birds in 
 particular with truth and spirit. His style of painting 
 was bold. There are two pictures by him in the Hall 
 of the Painter Stainers* Company. 
 B 2
 
 4 THE TWENTY-NINTH OF MAY. 
 
 been a puritan and republican, and Frank was 
 ever staunch for church and king, yet, both 
 being generous and warm-hearted, they regarded 
 each other with brotherly affection. 
 
 Matt, however, was at any time little more 
 than a puritan in name : he had adopted some- 
 what of the canting manner of the saints, rather 
 from policy than principle ; for as honest Dick 
 Ingoldsby was wont to say, the swearing repro- 
 bate, " damme Matt, if you or I have any 
 religion at all;" which indeed was the case with 
 too many of those saints, who affected to be 
 rigidly pious : it was the age of hypocrisy. 
 
 Matt had imbibed his republican notions 
 from Ingoldsby, his schoolfellow, as well as 
 Frank's, and they went together into the parlia- 
 ment army, under the Earl of Essex, early in the 
 civil war, and both distinguished themselves in 
 the field. Matt, however, on the breach of the 
 last truce between the king and the parliament, 
 and partly at the instance of his brother Frank, 
 quitted the service, laid aside the sword, and 
 took up the painting-brush, under his brotherly 
 tuition, and for want of better employ, fortu- 
 nately commenced the business of house and
 
 THE TVVENTY-NINTH OF MAY. 5 
 
 sign-painting, and became the first manufacturer 
 of signs in Harp Alley, and drove on a thriving 
 trade. 
 
 During the interregnum, painting was but a 
 sorry profession. The saints held all the arts 
 as abominations, and carnal sinnings : indeed it 
 was not likely that those who made it a part of 
 their religious duty to destroy every vestige of 
 ancient art, should countenance the labours of 
 existing talent ; hence painters, sculptors, musi- 
 cians, players, and poets, too, all lumped toge- 
 ther, as a dead letter, or at best, as vain-glorious 
 workers of vanity, were constrained to seek their 
 living as they could. 
 
 Sign-painting, however, was a notable calling 
 in these days, when every man set up a pictured 
 symbol, whereby you might discover his shop ; 
 although these birds and beasts and heraldic 
 monsters did not always bear a reference to the 
 wares exposed for sale. To wit — the Cat and the 
 Fiddle, might serve the mouse-trap maker, and 
 the Fox and the Goose, the attorney at law ; for 
 even these lived under a sign; but the Devil and 
 Bag of Nails, had no very obvious affinity to the 
 cook-shop, nor John Baptist's head in a Charger, 
 to him who vended shoes.
 
 b THE TWENTY-NINTH OF MAY. 
 
 There was a, curious story, however, hooked 
 to the sign of St. Dunstan and the Devil, in the 
 manufacturing of which, Matthew Barlow had 
 thus laboured in vain, that begot a different finish- 
 ing from another hand, and which may serve in 
 its turn, to illustrate the comical humour of the 
 times. The waggery of this strange sign catching 
 the attention of his Majesty, in his progress 
 through London, on the day of the Restoration, 
 begot the first hearty laugh, which the merry 
 king committed on renewing his acquaintance 
 with his loving subjects, though the circum- 
 stance is neither mentioned by Clarendon, 
 Burnet, nor Hume. 
 
 The puritanical barrister Prynnc, who lost 
 his ears in the pillory, only for attempting the 
 reformation of the court, was nominated re- 
 former of signs. The profaneness of the pictured 
 demon, that had so long swung on its orna- 
 mental iron work, from the Devil tavern, 
 coupled with Saint Dunstan too, the very title * 
 
 * Saint Dunstan and the Devil. This ancient 
 tavern was famed in the days of Shakspeare, and 
 there Ben Jonson established the famous club entitled
 
 THE TWENTY-NINTH OF MAY. 7 
 
 saint, being so obnoxious to these righteous 
 over-much, was an evil and a reproach in the 
 eyes of the sanctified committee over which the 
 uUer barrister was comptroller. Old Caleb 
 Johnson, the loyal tavern-keeper, was therefore 
 presented at the quarter sessions, for not taking 
 the Devil down, as legally advised so to do, and 
 for contempt of court, was sentenced to three 
 months imprisonment in Ludgate ; a circum- 
 stance so aggravating to the honest host, that he 
 vowed he would never cease to remember lawyer 
 Prynne to the day of his death. The laughing 
 fates who took the rule on Charles's coming. 
 
 leges conviviales. It was situated near the Temple- 
 gate, in Fleet Street, and pulled down a few years 
 ago. On its site was built the premises occupied by 
 Messrs. Hoare the bankers. 
 
 Saints. — Others to make all things recant 
 
 The Christian or Surname of Saint ; 
 
 And force all Churches, Streets, and Towns, 
 
 The Holj/ Title to renounce. 
 
 Butler. 
 
 Churches, parishes, and even the apostles were 
 unsainted in the mayoralty of the famous Alderman 
 Pennington, and continued so to the year 1660. The 
 malice and rage of both Roundheads and Cavaliers
 
 O THE TWENTY-NINTH OF MAY. 
 
 recorded the inn-keeper's vow, and he hved to 
 take the meddling barrister by the nose. 
 
 Ingoldsby, who though he had fought under 
 the parhamentary banner, might be considered, 
 rather as a soldier of fortune, than one of the 
 band of fanatics with whom he had borne 
 arms — he was a sad scourge to many of the 
 canting fraternity, who were the constant butt 
 of his ribaldry and ridicule. These starched 
 gentry had not unfrequently complained to the 
 Earl of Essex, and to Cromwell also, of his un- 
 holiness : but, there was so marked a frankness 
 in his manner, and he was so intrepid an officer. 
 
 ran high upon this particular, says Dr. Gray, of which 
 we have a merry instance in the case of Sir Roger de 
 Coverley. That worthy knight being then but a 
 stripling, had occasion to enquire his way to St. Ann's 
 Lane, upon which the person whom he spoke to instead 
 of ^answering his question, called him a young popish 
 cur, and asked him who made Ann a saint ? The 
 boy being in some confusion enquired of the next he 
 met, which was the way to Ann's Lane ? But was 
 called a prick-ear' d cur for his pains, and instead of 
 being shown the way, was told that she had been a 
 Saint before he was born, and would be one after he 
 Avas hanged.
 
 *rME TWfiXTY-NINTH OF MAV. 9 
 
 and so trust-worthy withal, that the earl merely 
 rebuked him for his immorality, and Oliver 
 Cromwell fairly played him off at the hypocrites, 
 secretly admiring him for the honest annoyance 
 which he caused some suspicious characters in 
 the camp. The lord protector, indeed, derived 
 amusement from the eccentricity of his move- 
 ments, and often laughed at the mad pranks of 
 honest Dick Ingoldsby, who was a colonel in 
 his, and afterwards in his son Richard's service. 
 So high an opinion of his integrity had his high- 
 ness Richard, during his short protectorate, that 
 when his adherents were pestering him with 
 advice, the sincerity of which he had sufficient 
 reason to doubt, he observed, *' I would rather 
 confide in that swearing reprobate Ingoldsby, 
 than in the greatest saint in my army."" 
 
 On the approaching Restoration, Colonel In- 
 goldsby having offended General Monk, in 
 common with certain othei- officers of the Com- 
 monwealth, was at hide and seek. He, how- 
 ever, was known to have behaved so generously 
 to the royalists, on many occasions during the 
 troubles, that he was among the very few who 
 were respected by the friends to the crown, and 
 B 3
 
 10 THE TWENTY-NINIH OP MAY. 
 
 was personally known to many of the officers 
 who had fought for the late king. 
 
 Old Caleb Johnson became his staunch friend, 
 when the tables were turned. '' He befriended 
 me,'** said the grateful tavern-keeper, " in my 
 evil day, and by God's blessing I will give him 
 a turn." The order to the jailer of Ludgate 
 was peremptory, namely, that no cavalier be 
 permitted to give him, or the other royalists, 
 relief: indeed the loyalists were prohibited, at 
 this period, from visiting their incarcerated 
 friends, who were suffering for the royal cause. 
 
 Ingoldsby, however, who had belonged to a 
 club of bon-vivants at the Devil tavern, hear- 
 ing that mine host was held in durance vile, and 
 knowing something of the prison-keeper, who 
 had been an old griping paymaster in Flanders, 
 went thither, and obtained a bed for him, and 
 some other comforts, (for it was a vile prison,) 
 and privately slipped into the hands of mine 
 host five golden Jacobuses, " which," said Caleb, 
 " was a most Christian act, for it was as big a 
 lie as ever was told, that of his saying, ' he owed 
 my good dame (the hostess) the money ^ whereas 
 he was a generous customer, and she declared to
 
 THE TWENTY-NINTH OF MAY. 11 
 
 rae, he never owed the Devil a single cup of sack 
 in all his life. No royalist even ever paid his 
 way s^ith more honour — and many, I am 
 ashamed to say, never wiped out their scores at 
 all : But, God bless his Majesty King Charles, 
 liis misfortunes wiped out all old scores, and 
 they were welcome with all my heart." 
 
 Dick Ingoldsby then was at hide and seek, 
 and dame Johnson, the most comely hostess in 
 the city, though on the wrong side of forty, and 
 old Caleb, were at Newgate-market, laying in 
 provent for a feast on the coming twenty-ninth 
 of May, the memorable day of the Restoration 
 of King Charles the Second, after his exile from 
 his country and his crown. " Let me see," 
 said Caleb, to the poulterer, *' twenty couple of 
 pullets, — aye, master Colechurch, we shall need 
 that number at least : I must have some four 
 couple of capons ; and what have you here .^ " 
 ** Some dainty Guinea fowl,'' replied the poul- 
 terer. 
 
 " Marry come up, I say, Guinea fowl ^^ said 
 mine hostess, " where are tavern-keepers now- 
 a-days to pick up guineas for such fare "^ " 
 
 " We have some pretty patterns of green
 
 12 THE TWENTY-NINTH OF MAY. 
 
 geese — What say you to these, dame John- 
 son?" 
 
 " No pattern for my pocket, I can tell you : 
 But what do you ask ? " 
 
 " They are from Esher, I trow, this morn- 
 ing ; you shall have half a dozen at as low as 
 twenty-pence a-piece — see what delicate meat.*" 
 
 " Twenty fiddle-sticks — for green geese! 
 Not for my purse, I tell you.'* 
 
 " Ah, mistress, you are hard ; I'd rather deal 
 "with master Johnson here." 
 
 " Who doubts it ? — Yes ! yes ! men are fine 
 market-goers, I wot well enough. One Michael- 
 mas goose, after all, is worth a score of them. 
 I'll bargain for six, at eigh teen-pence ; say yes 
 or no at a word." 
 
 " O ! cry your mercy ! good dame — they cost 
 me more, as I hope to live." 
 
 " And then," rejoined the smiling hostess, 
 who was a lively dame, " I would not that, only, 
 master Martin, 'tis to feast the cavaliers." 
 
 " Talk of the cavaliers,' said the poulterer, 
 (Martin Colechurch was his name,) " talk of 
 the cavaliers, master Johnson,"" sinking his voice 
 to a whisper, as though the danger of appearing
 
 THE TWENTY-NINTH OF MAY. '13 
 
 loyal in open market was not yet past ; " there ! 
 look you there on that gentleman there ! he 
 has been cheapening some pigeons next door, 
 and I'd be sworn he is a poor cavalier reduced, 
 for he has the gait of a gentleman every inch. 
 I wish from my heart he had dropped in here, 
 for, betwixt ourselves, the next neighbour is a 
 notorious round-head." 
 
 " Sure as I live, if I can trust my own eyes, 
 and that is not Colonel Ingoldsby," exclaimed 
 dame Johnson, " it is his apparition. Mercy 
 on us ! — yes, it is he. Go — go — and speak to 
 him, Caleb ; if they lay hands on him, he will 
 be hanged. — Do let me sit down, master Cole- 
 church. — What can be the matter with me ? — 
 why I am all over in such a flurry, I tremble 
 and shake like an aspen leaf ! " 
 
 '^ Bring mistress Johnson a cordial, dame," 
 said Martin Colechurch, leading the hostess into 
 the little parlour behind the shop ; when, pour- 
 ing the hquor into a glass, dame Colechurch re- 
 luctantly held it to her lips, but she could not 
 swallow a drop. They applied a httle to her 
 temples, and she relieved her emotion by hysteri- 
 cal sobbing and tears.
 
 14 THE TWENTY-NINTH OF MAY. 
 
 " Marry come up ! " exclaimed the fat, burly- 
 faced poulterer's wife, reddening with rage as 
 dame Johnson recovered, looking all amaze- 
 ment : " Why, madam, that is the round-head 
 colonel, sure ! That Colonel Ingoldsby ! Why 
 all such j-egercide cut-throats deserve a halter, as 
 richly as honest people deserve their own. You 
 are our customers, it is true, but for all that I 
 will have my say, and I tell you, madam, to 
 your teeth, I am ashamed of you. What, 
 ma'am ! " placing her brawny arms akembo, 
 " to fall into these fantigues and fantasies, and 
 s wound away, as a body may say, and all about 
 a traitorish scape-grace the like of he ! Fye for 
 shame, madam I — Id rather throw the poultry 
 into the town ditch, to feed the rats, rot me if 
 I would not, than to have dealings with such 
 gentry ; and Td beg my bread rather than people 
 who give themselves such fine airs and graces 
 should darken my shop again. Fine times, to 
 be sure ! — and this is a speciment of your loyal 
 tavern keeping— hey, madam ! Heaven keep 
 me and mine from such hypokeresyy 
 
 " Hold your peace, dame, now pr'ythee do,'* 
 said Martin Colechurch ; " is this the way you
 
 THE TWENTY-NINTH OF MAY. 15 
 
 treat my customers ?— is this language fitting to 
 your own sex ? " 
 
 " Od rot you and your customers too. Sex, 
 indeed I — How — dare — you, Sir, to defend such 
 mockery doings : You, who would have your 
 
 neighbours think you loyal, to uphold such a 
 
 But, I shall say no more. — Yes I so it is. It is 
 not the first time the landlady of the Devil has 
 made a market of her comely looks. — If I was 
 your husband, ma'am, for all your historical 
 Siooundings, I would have the round-headed 
 miscreant tucked up at Tyburn, and then you 
 might shed your crocodile's tears with a ven- 
 geance — then there might be something to cry 
 about, and spoil them fine painted cheeks. O ! 
 yes, madam, market folks are not quite so star- 
 ing blind as other folks may imagine : but it is 
 no affair of mine. If old master Caleb Johnson 
 is a cuckold, it is no reason wherefore you are to 
 make a fool of my husband, ma'am, and your 
 room will be as agreeable as your company, 
 ma'am : You may go and cater for your cava- 
 lier company elsewhere, for, thank God, we can 
 keep open shop for honest folks;'' and, saying 
 this, she helped herself to a bumping glass of
 
 16 THE TWExNTY-NINTH OF MAY. 
 
 the cordial, put the cork into the bottle, and the 
 bottle into the cupboard, and with an insolent 
 toss of the head marched into the shop. 
 
 The terrified hostess remained a prisoner in 
 the parlour, until the landlord of the Devil 
 tavern returned, which was half an hour at 
 least, when the poulterer's wife began at him, 
 with, " It is no matter of mine good master 
 Johnson, for God knows in my conscience, I am 
 not given to set man and wife by the ears, far 
 be it from me ; but, if an old man will marry a 
 young wife to please his e3'e, he may take care 
 he does not plague his heart. I am the last 
 body to slander my neighbours^ but, when an 
 honest woman sees some things, it is a burning 
 shame to keep one's tongue within one's teeth." 
 
 " Hey ! day I why, what is all this about dame 
 Colechurch ?"" said old Johnson, quite out of 
 breath, for he had been dodging about to find 
 Colonel Ingoldsby, and had to bustle back again 
 through the crowd of full market. " Why what 
 is the matter dame, and what is become of my 
 wife?" 
 
 "■ O ! consoling herself with my old fool of a 
 husband, having been in her megrims about
 
 THE TWENTY-NINTH OF MAY. 17 
 
 the apperishun of that cut-throat officer, — that 
 beggarly Colonel Ingoldsby, — by throwing her- 
 self into fits for his safety forsooth : But, as I told 
 her, I shall live to see the villain hanged, old 
 Du7i * will have his own, that's for certain, and 
 then she may have something to snivel about." 
 
 * Old Dujiy commonly designated squire Dun, the 
 public hangman, during the rule of the Common- 
 wealth, however, lived to be employed in fulfilling the 
 last office of the law on the regicides at Tyburn. 
 
 ** The name of Dun was continued to these finishers 
 of the law, (as they affected to call themselves, and 
 squires by their office,) for several years after this 
 period, (1660;) when one Jack Xe^cA was advanced 
 to that office ; who has left his name to his suc- 
 cessors." 
 
 Dun's predecessor was one Gregory Brandon. Sir 
 William Segar, Garter King at Arms, by an audacious 
 trick imposed upon him by Brook, a herald, was in- 
 duced to confirm Arms on him, which mortally 
 chagrined the old knight, when he discovered, that his 
 client was that obnoxious personage, the common 
 hangman of London. 
 
 Cotton in his Virgil Travestie, 1670, introduced 
 squire Dun : — 
 
 " Away therefore my lass does trot, 
 And presently a halter got,
 
 18 THE TWENTY-NINTH OF MAY. 
 
 " God forbid, mistress Colechurcb,'" exclaimed 
 the tavern-keeper, " it belioves us to forget and 
 forgive ; never say so, good darae." 
 
 Made of the best string hempen teer, 
 And ere a cat could lick licr ear, 
 Had tied it up with as much art 
 As i>?7-V himself could do for heart. 
 
 That Jack Ketch was in office, in 1682, is evident 
 from Butler's Ghost ; hence with reference to his 
 predecessor's fees : — 
 
 *• 'Till Ketch observing he was chous'd. 
 And in his profits much abus'd," 
 
 &c. &c. 
 
 Foreign executioners, rep^arded the hangmen of 
 England with contempt. The headsman of Calais 
 was sent for by the governor of the town to decapitate 
 Ann Boleyne. None upon record, however, could 
 compete with the Dutch executioner, whom Cleveland 
 reports, " that he would do his office with so much 
 ease and dexterity, that the head after the stroke of his 
 sword, should stand still upon the shoulders." 
 
 The executioner of Stockholm, was condemned to 
 that office, at ten years old, for cutting off the head of 
 another boy at play ! 
 
 Motrays Travels. — Note to Hudibras.
 
 THE TWENTY-NINTH OF MAY. 19 
 
 ^' God forbid !" echoed the poulterer's wife ; 
 " forget and forgive ! you old perfl'igate sinner ; 
 and do you set yourself up for a royalist, raved 
 the termagant. And do you call yourself a 
 christian ! you pot-bellied old tapster : I will 
 have you informed against, and sent to jail again, 
 — aye the whole kit of you. — Here ! — you 
 madam, please to condescend to come forth — out 
 of my premises, — and you ! — you sneaking cur," 
 meaning her spouse, " come and attend to your 
 customers, and leave mistress honey-face to 
 caterwaul with the king s enemies : I am ashamed 
 of you Martin — shame on you !" 
 
 The poulterer's wife, by this violent harangue, 
 had attracted a crowd round the shop ; she was 
 notoriously the greatest termagant of all the 
 scolds in Newgate market. " Send her to the 
 ducking-stool," said one neighbour. '' Put a gag 
 in her mouth, and stop her helloiv-weathering," 
 bawled another. " Hand her over the brandy- 
 bottle," vociferated a third. " That she can help 
 herself to," said old Caleb Colechurch, un- 
 fortunately loud enough to be heard by the 
 enraged tippler, when rushing forth from the 
 parlour, having that moment retired to uncork
 
 20 THE TWENTY-MNTH OF MAY. 
 
 the cordial again, she seized him by his black- 
 buckled wig, tore it off, and belaboured her help- 
 mate with her fist upon the bald pate. " Yes ! 
 said the passionate virago, I can help myself, and 
 help you too,— so take that — and that, you vile 
 old slanderer :" Then marching to the shop door, 
 she looked fiercely right and left upon her neigh- 
 bours, Nvith her hands upon her huge hips, as 
 much as to say, now then, who dai'es to utter 
 aught to my disparagement ! all the neighbours 
 were afraid of her, but none had cause to dread 
 her froward temper, like good man Colechurch. 
 The poulterer's wife, as she was accustomed, 
 after one of these sudden heats, put on her 
 scarlet cardinal, and hood, and took herself off 
 to meet certain female gossips, at the Salutation 
 in Paternoster Row. In these days, women of 
 her class too commonly held their pohtical clubs 
 in a tap-room ; Hence the song, 
 
 " My wife Joan's a Presbyterian, 
 She won't swear, but she will lie. 
 She to the ale-house, — I to the tavern, 
 She'll get drunk as soon as I." 
 
 " Ah !'' ejaculated Martin Colechurch, quietly
 
 THE TWENTY-NINTH OF MAY. 21 
 
 replacing his wig upon his head, and shrugging 
 his shoulders, " God help the unhappy wight, 
 who has the evil fortune to wed with a shrew. 
 Come, master Johnson, let us see what we can 
 furnish for your entertainment of the cavaliers. 
 You see the civil wars are not yet ended. 
 Heigh ho !" 
 
 The two worthies soon agreed, and a large 
 basket of poultry, Guinea fowl, ducks, capons, 
 pullets, rabbits, and leverets in clean straw, were 
 sent off for the larder at the Devil, when mine 
 host and his comely help-mate, arm-in-arm, first 
 bestowing a look of condolence on old Martin, 
 proceeded to the fishmonger's, and fruiterer's, to 
 make further provision for the feast. 
 
 In the year 1643, several thousand women signed 
 a petition to the parliament, entitled, " The Humble 
 Petition of many civilly-disposed women, inhabiting 
 the cities of London and Westminster." It was 
 carried on the 9th August, by a multitude of the 
 meaner sort of women, with white ribbons in their 
 hats. They remained in Palace-yard, and raved 
 " Peace ! peace ! give us those traitors ; give us that 
 dog Pym."
 
 22 THE MEETING OF OLD FRIENDS, 
 
 CHAPTER II. 
 
 THE MEETING OF OLD FRIENDS, IN OLD 
 SAINT PAUL'S. 
 
 •' And thanks, to men of noble minds, is honourable meed." 
 
 Shakspeare. 
 
 Meanwhile it may be well here to recount 
 what happened after old Caleb left his wife in 
 the poulterer's shop, to follow Colonel Ingoldsby, 
 who on hearing a voice exclaim, " that is him or 
 his ghost,"" thinking that he was marked by 
 some enemy, to be betrayed, was making his 
 retreat by dashing suddenly into the thickest of 
 the crowd. Old Johnson, however, bustled 
 on, occasionally losing sight of him, and then 
 catching a glimpse of his tall figure, he shoulder- 
 ed the market folks right and left, and nearly 
 upset a dozen huxters' stalls, and all bestowed 
 on him many a marketable benediction, such as, 
 " curse your tripes ! old pottle-belly, what are 
 you about ! where are you trundling your offal 
 now — hey ! old bustle gut," said a butcher's wife,
 
 IN OLD SAINT PAULS. 23 
 
 baying him off in the ribs with her sharp elbows ; 
 whilst the butchers, seeing him clear the way at 
 such a rate, loudly bawled in the language of 
 Smithfield — " turn Mm hack there^'' as they 
 were wont to cry out at the approach of an over 
 drove ox. 
 
 The colonel walked on a-pace, crossed Pater- 
 noster Row, up Chapter Court, and briskly 
 ascended the steps of the north porch of old St. 
 Paul's, when master Walter Waller, who kept 
 the curious book shop at the Blach Eagle, beside 
 the porch, seeing old Caleb all in a sweat, called 
 out — " hollo, master Johnson ; what, are you 
 going to cool your choler in our church ?" 
 Waller was become a royalist, and had latterly 
 toasted church and king, over a bowl of punch, 
 at the private meetings, at the Devil. Hip I said 
 he, running after the tavern-keeper, holding him 
 fast by the skirt, " di'st see him ? If I can trust 
 my eyes : sure as a gun, that tall spectre that 
 has just glided by, is that mad chap. Colonel 
 Ingoldsby. If he takes a turn in the walk, he 
 will be laid hold of for certain ; the king's men 
 are on the sharp look out, and several have been 
 dodged to their lodgings this very morning."
 
 24 THE MEETING OF OLD FRIENDS, 
 
 " It is him I am following," said Caleb 
 Johnson, loosening the bookseller's hand, with 
 one of his own, and wresting the tail of his dou- 
 blet from his grasp with the other ; " I thought 
 it was he, and I wish to do him a kind turn.'' 
 
 '^ Bid him to my shop : tell him he may con- 
 fide in me ; say I will give him sanctuary," 
 whispered the bookseller. 
 
 Caleb was too much winded to utter more 
 than, " thank thee neighbour," when leaning on 
 the foot of one of the columns in the north aisle 
 he panted for breath. His honest heart beat, as 
 though it would burst through his doublet, 
 girdle and all. He had scarcely recovered 
 sufficiently to raise himself, when looking wist- 
 fully in all directions for Ingoldsby, he was 
 accosted by a Jew, and held again by the skirt 
 by Mordecai, as he was called, who had formerly 
 furnished the tavern with limes and Seville 
 oranges, for punch. *' Strichke metead, I vosh 
 glad to see mine oldt master, how vosh mine 
 goot mistiss peadiful Johnsons. Vot is it vosh the 
 matter vith mine master ? here, take vot ish insides 
 of mine bottle, it vos goot for the vindt in the 
 stomach," presenting a little basket bottle of
 
 IN OLD SAINT PAUL'S. 2o 
 
 Coniac. "^ It was a God send," said old Caleb, 
 when he returned home, " and I verily believe 
 saved my life." " There," said the gratefulJew, 
 " there mine master, 'twill break off the vindt,'" 
 rubbing his hand kindly down the old tavern- 
 keeper's stomach, adding, " never mindt, it vosh 
 better out than in. Vot is the matter, mine 
 master. — Vot can I do for 3^ou, I am just only 
 one month returned from transportation — for 
 doing nothing, as I hope to be shaved : will you 
 puy a pargin,'' opening his bag. " Puy a 
 prayer book for mistress, a common prayer book 
 of the Church of England ; vorth any monies : 
 you shall have it for only eighteen shillings. 
 Printed at Oxford, vorth ten shilling more than 
 one I sold yesterday for thirty-two shillings." 
 
 " Away with your common prayer books, 
 I want none of them, get you gone about your 
 business ; though thank ye — thank ye for the 
 dram,"" said the tavern-keeper, looking eagerly 
 for the object of his search, for St. PauVs 
 icalkers had already filled the nave of the 
 cathedral. *' I am seeking for a friend : but I 
 
 might as well look for a needle in a hold,"" 
 
 said he, " I think I see him now, — no— I have 
 
 VOL. I. e
 
 26 THE MEETING OF OLD FRIENDS, 
 
 lost my labour," talking to himself with great 
 earnestness. " Well, if we meet not again, I 
 have done my best, it is not my fault." 
 
 " Who vas it vot you vont ?" eagerly enquired 
 the Jew, " describe him, and I will seek him for 
 you mine good master, — strichke me tead on the 
 stones, if I vill not find any body votshomever, 
 in the thick of a crowd." 
 
 '^ A tall, pale^gentleman, wrapped in a grey 
 cloak, Mordecai — but, 'tis of no use, I fear he 
 has made his escape out at the south porch.'' 
 
 Mordecai put down his bag of prayer books, 
 saying, " vill you mind mine pag V and without 
 waiting an answer, was instantly lost in the 
 moving throng. 
 
 The nave of St. Paul's, in these days, was 
 the great mart for news, for assignation, and 
 intrigue. There the spendthrift met the usurer, 
 and the bankrupt trader his lawyer's scout. 
 There the idle, the wary, the thoughtless, and 
 the wretched, — those who lived by the law, and 
 those who smarted by the law, jostled each other, 
 and male and female, promenaded, laughing, 
 weeping, professing, promising, reproaching and 
 i-eviling; every group regardless of the reet,
 
 IN OLD SAINT PAUL S. 2/ 
 
 and the multifarious murmur of voices might 
 be likened to that of the noisy inmates of St. 
 Luke's. Tliese were called PauVs Walkers. 
 
 Mordecai returned with a customer, seized his 
 bag, pulled out a prayer book, and in the same 
 breath commenced with, " five and thirty shil- 
 ling, bound with boshes and silver clasp ;" and 
 then turning his quick dark eyes on the tavern- 
 keeper, and inclining his head significantly to 
 the left, whispered, *' you'll find the shentlemans 
 at the tomb of John of Gaunt;" adding to the 
 other, " worthe forty shilling, gave more in ex- 
 change for it mine self, so help me God." 
 
 With this information, Caleb Johnson made 
 his way to the iron gate, which opened to the 
 north aisle of the choir, and passing behind the 
 altar, came round to the tomb of John of Gaunt, 
 where he beheld the colonel, with his arms folded, 
 seemingly lost in a reverie, with his eyes fixed 
 on the shield and spear appended to the monu- 
 ment, which had been borne in the field by that 
 ancient warrior. Unconscious of being noticed, 
 the colonel was talking to himself. 
 
 *' That spear is a spanker by goles !' said he, 
 — " not actually as huge a murdering tool, as the 
 c 2
 
 28 THE MEETING OF OLD FRIENDS, 
 
 bully Philistines, — let me see. This was as a 
 weaver's beam, — a weaver's beam ! — indefinite 
 enough, but then we have it so in the word. 
 Had I been one of the elect, — ergo, I should 
 have known these things by the inward light : 
 Yet, though I asked his highness himself, the 
 dimensions of a weaver's beam, — he blinked the 
 question. Go seek said he. God help us all ! — 
 and where I am to seek for quarters, is now the 
 rub. Poor old Noll ! you are a reprobate dog 
 Dick Ingoldsby,""' said he, " and your portion 
 will be with the damned, — and Fll be ."' 
 
 " Don't swear Sir,"" said old Caleb, taking off 
 his hat, " it is a bad custom, Sir, even in a 
 tavern, as a body may say, and I hear too much 
 of it. But in the house of God !'' 
 
 " Thank you, friend, '' said Ingoldsby, 
 glancing his eye at him sideways, and touching 
 his hat in return. " It is a vile custom, a profitless 
 custom,— and a blackguard custom, to say the 
 best of it. What, Sir, then I presume you are 
 a tavern-keeper ?'"' 
 
 " 1 am. Sir," replied Caleb, " at your service. 
 
 *' A publican and sinner," added Ingoldsby ; 
 " then, there is a brace of sinners at your shrine,
 
 IN OLD SAINT PAUL'S. 29 
 
 old prince," addressing himself to the marble 
 effigy of John of Gaunt, " and we shall both 
 go comfortably to the Devil, hey, old friend?" 
 
 " By good luck, we shall, and this blessed 
 day," said old Caleb, for he was a wag in his 
 way — " and feast it merrily to-morrow." 
 
 " Why my old cock, I took you for a Puri- 
 tan," said Ingoldsby, but eyeing him with a 
 mixture of surprise and good-humour, " damme 
 Sir Tun-belly Toper, but you appear to me to 
 be, in your outward man at least, as big a 
 reprobate as myself. What, Sir," with affected 
 deference, " I pronounce you are a royalist?" 
 
 " I am. Sir, at your service," said Caleb, 
 bowing. 
 
 " Then you are in luck," replied the colonel, 
 " in high luck. Sir : I wish I had been a royalist 
 I should have been in better feather : what, and 
 you are going to feast it to-morrow, hey ! my 
 friend ?" 
 
 " Weare, Sir — and would to God you were 
 one amongst us." 
 
 " Humph I That is civil enough, Sir." 
 
 " And at my expence, and it please God," 
 added the old tavern-keeper with emotion, the
 
 oi) THE MEETING OF OLD FRIENDS, 
 
 tear trembling on the brink of running over— 
 " Do you not remember me, Colonel Ingoldsby ?" 
 
 The republican soldier eyed him with a sort 
 of indolence of enquiry, and answered '' no — 
 devil take me if I do ; I remember no one, my 
 memory, like patriotism, is clean worn out. I 
 remember nothing old gentleman, other than 
 that for the last fifteen years Old England has 
 been playing a d — d comical universal masque- 
 rade." Then half laughing, with a wild sort of 
 philosophical shrug, he clapped the tavern- 
 keeper on the shoulder, and pointing to the 
 carved marble warrior, " Jie is quiet enough — all 
 hh turmoils are over — any turncoat scoundrel 
 poltroon may unhook his spear, or make a 
 spitting-pot of his shield, hey ! old gentle- 
 man ?^' 
 
 " True — true — true enough as you say. Sir,'' 
 replied Caleb. " We have lived to see strange 
 mortal doings.**' 
 
 " Strange !" ejaculated Ingoldsby, with a 
 sigh, that seemed to tear his martial breast — 
 " But all is one, a man had better be hanged 
 like a dog, than live like a dastard. And so the 
 king is coming to town to-morrow ; hey, Six ?"
 
 IN OLD SAINT PAUL'S. 31 
 
 At this moment the conversation was inter- 
 rupted by the presence of tlie Jew, who, satis- 
 ceremonie, drew forth from his bag, another 
 prayer book, twirling over the leaves, " perfect 
 every page, chentlemen— just look— schmite me 
 tead; silver clasps, handsome bindings, vortli 
 forty shillings ; very scarce, very goot, very 
 cheap ; schmite me bhnd ! I sold the fellow for 
 eight and thirty, in this Christian church, so 
 help me." 
 
 " Out! thou vagabond blasphemous— ha, ha, 
 ha, ha." Ingoldsby laughed as though he were 
 out of his wits. " A Jew — a Jew, ha, ha, ha. a 
 Jew, just returned from the plantations ; G — d 
 damme, a transported Israelite vending Christian 
 prayer books, interdicted common prayers, by 
 G — d, pubhcly in the metropolitan church, ha, 
 ha, ha, ha. Why, you profane, irreHgious, pre- 
 sumptuous, law-breaking varlet, if you bear your 
 bag of books to trade in Westminster Abbey, 
 have a care, for by the holy one, old Oliver will 
 rise from his grave, and smite you dead and 
 blind with a vengeance. O Lord, this beggars 
 all the glorious farce ! this is a winding up 
 the last act of this national drama, this laugli-
 
 ?.•-> 
 
 THE MEETING OF OLD FRIENDS, 
 
 able tragedy ! I shall not live to see it per- 
 chance, — but old gentleman, as sure as there 
 are cuckolds in London, King Charles, who is 
 any thing but a saint, will die, will laugh him- 
 self into defunct majesty, mark my words, with- 
 in twelve calendar months, at the tom-foolery 
 of his beloved people. If he does not, then was 
 Moses no prophet. This is comical, hey ? old 
 gentleman Come you gallows i\Ir. Mordecai, 
 I know you of old I What shall I tip you for 
 one of your common prayers, one of your little 
 ones ? It is a long while since I possessed such 
 a thing : not that 1 am sorry they are coming 
 into vogue again, God help us; for as the 
 preaching old Scottish piper says, ' The de'el a 
 whit the better ha we been since the rule o' the 
 saints,' besides, in these hypocritical times, a 
 prayer book may be no bad talisman, hey ? old 
 gentleman. Such an article may serve an out- 
 cast in the hour of want. I would fain turn 
 canter^* but I fear the day is past when I 
 
 • " And 'till they first began to canty 
 And sprinkle down the Covenant."' 
 The significant phrase canting, so universally ap-
 
 IN OLD ST. PAUL S. o'o 
 
 tnifjht have bamboozled by sainting it, I would 
 not, now that I would, it would serve me not. 
 Better turn church parson, hey ? old gentleman. 
 That will now be your thriving trade, rare 
 scrambling for the steeple-houses, my old gentle- 
 man ! Come, Moses — Mordecai, what's your 
 name, have you no second-hand cheap altar 
 ware ? something about five shillings or so, for I 
 am woundedly low in the exchequer ; never mind 
 the binding, more worn the better, dogs-eared 
 every page, so much the more likely to answer. 
 O ! the gullibility of mankind." 
 
 " There ish von for ten shilling, take it for 
 
 plied to religious sectarianism, originated in Scotland, 
 durinsj the civil wars ; for throuo-h the ravings of M . 
 Andrew Cant and his son Alexander, seditious 
 preaching and praying was called Canting. Its ap- 
 plication in our happy day, when loyalty, peace, and 
 good-will prevail in all congregations, of course is 
 improper and unfitting. 
 
 Ingoldsby, however, used the phrase in the impos- 
 ing sense of affecting righteousness, as a cloak ; a 
 species of cunning hypocrisy, by which all private, 
 and even public advantages, were obtained to the 
 saints. 
 
 c3
 
 34 THE MEETING OF OLD FRIENDS, 
 
 eight, bad luck to me, vot it is vorth the monievS, 
 it is the finest book of prayer of all the vorld : 
 to-morrow it shall be vorth sixty per shent." 
 
 " There you Jew — there is an Oliver's crown." 
 
 " O ! shmite me dark ! — I cannot afford it. 
 Veil, I vill not refuse your money. I vill be 
 ready to buy it back again next week, ven you 
 have read it, for six shilling, — so help me .'' 
 
 "Ba-ba, you reprobate— no more of your per- 
 jury, — come, be off." 
 
 " Good luck to you cohnel ; if I can serve 
 you votshomever, I vill observe your commands 
 votever it vosh." 
 
 " Hey ! what do you know me too ! when — 
 how — where ?" 
 
 The Jew looked suspiciously ai'ound, and in 
 a low voice, and with extraordinary gesticulations, 
 answered, '• you shaved mine blessed father's 
 house in Bevis Mark, stroke me dead vot you 
 did, when Colonels Pride and Hewson, blast 
 em, togeder vrith the soldiers, came to search for 
 mine Lord CapePs plate.^'* 
 
 * Lord Capel, one of the most loyal, and brave ad- 
 herents to King Charles the First, in common with
 
 IN OLD SAINT PAUL'S. 35 
 
 " What? ods my life, — and I remember that 
 affair. Faith ! — I do believe I saved the old 
 
 many other royalists, sold his plate for the service of 
 his Majesty. 
 
 Colonel Pride, and Colonel Hewson, both men of 
 low birth, and furious zealots, were cruel instruments 
 of the parliamentary rage, and a terror to the trading 
 community ; until their names were held in execration 
 by all, excepting the ambitious and rapacious few, 
 who played them off as the willing ministers of their 
 tyranny. 
 
 Lord Capel ventured hfe and fortune in the royal 
 cause, and was consequently watched in all his motions. 
 In allusion to these military ruffians, the witty poet 
 says — 
 
 " For when they cliarg'd him witli his guilt 
 Of all the blood that had beea spilt; 
 They did not mean he wrought tli' effusion. 
 In ferson, like Sir Pride, or Hewson." 
 
 Colonel Pride, who was reported by the cavaliers to 
 have been a dray-man, went into the army, and was 
 concerned in secluding the members, in order to the 
 king's trial ; which great change was called Colonel 
 Pride's Purge. He sat in the upper house, and was 
 called Thomas Lord Pride. 
 
 Hewson, it appears, had been a cobbler, who also
 
 36 THE MEETING OF OLD FRIENDS, 
 
 birds — and the young ones too. What are you 
 the son of old Levi ? Faith ! you ought to have 
 
 went into the army, was knighted by OHver Cromwell, 
 and sat in the upper house, in his parliament. 
 
 Hewson's birth is thus described ; we are told that 
 his father had been a sexton — 
 
 " He by fortune's design, should have been a divine, 
 And a pillar no doubt of the church ; 
 Whom a sexton (God wot) in the belfrey begot, 
 And his mother did pig in the porch." 
 
 Some allowance however must be made for the 
 exaggeration of party hatred. Pride, perhaps, held 
 some place in a Brewery, and Hewson might have 
 been a shoemaker, as Praise God Barebones was a 
 leather-seller : for Cordonniers^ or cordwainers, were 
 also designated Cobblers, in the ancient records of 
 trades and handicrafts. 
 
 " But observe the devise, of this nobleman's rise, 
 
 How he hurried from trade to trade ; 
 
 From the grains he'd aspire to the yest, and tlien 
 
 liigher, 
 'Till at length he a drayman was made." 
 
 To such an extent had republican rage wrought 
 upon the minds of certain fanatics, that a proposal 
 was made to place twenty royalists in front of Sir
 
 IN OLD SAINT PAUl.'s. 37 
 
 been hanged, — aye — the whole roguish nest of 
 you. Well, and is your father in the land of 
 the living?" 
 
 " No mine good Colonel Incolshpye^ he is 
 gathered togeder sometimes Avith his fathers. 
 But, if you vont a friend at these times, — as I 
 vosh a living man, if I vill not advance you 
 twenty pounds votever times you vill call for it, 
 and no bond — so help me G — d. Vot ish also — if 
 I sell all my prayer books, you shall not vont for 
 as many pounds as much more. You shall know 
 where to find me, when at mine father's old 
 house, at the sign of the Cardinal's Hat, any 
 day vot you shall appoint. So Jesus Christ 
 bless you," when the grateful jMordecai snatched 
 up his bag, and was off like a sprite. 
 
 Thomas Fairfax's army, to expose ihem to the fire of 
 the enemy, and one Gourdon moved, " That the Lady 
 Capel, and her children, and the Lady Xorwich, might 
 be sent to the general with the same directions, saying, 
 their husbands would be careful of their safety. And 
 when divers opposed so barbarous a motion, and 
 alleged, that Lady Capel was great with child, and 
 near her time ; Gourdon pressed it the more eagerly, 
 (says Walker, who quaintly adds) ' as if he had taken 
 the seneralfor a man-midwife.' "
 
 38 THE MEETING OF OLD FRIENDS, 
 
 " A Strange benediction that — hey ! old 
 gentleman, from a blaspheming Jew. Well I 
 am glad to find that all virtue is not extinct. 
 Christians have too long been playing the devil 
 with each other, and the game of faith being at 
 an end, I suppose to begin de novo, works are 
 now to be played off by the bearded sons of 
 Israel. So, good morrow old gentleman, per- 
 haps we may meet again some day, and in a 
 better place." 
 
 " All in good time, IVfaster Colonel, with sub- 
 mission," replied Caleb Johnson. " I thought I 
 might have had the honour to be remembered by 
 you. But, my memory, like that Jew-man's, is 
 not so frail I thank heaven. I am your debtor, 
 Sir, and am, blessed be God, in a state of affairs 
 to discharge the obligation, not merely in money, 
 or in words, but "' — and here the old tavern-keep- 
 er's voice faltered — " but, in deeds more useful.'" 
 
 " What, Sir ! hey ! I-faith, if this be not a 
 dream, this tomb of old John of Gaunt is a 
 lucky shrine whereat, for a woe-begone soldier, 
 to offer his orisons : and pray fnend how- 
 haps it that you are indebted to me ?" 
 
 " You visited me in prison in my evil day.
 
 IN OLD SAINT PAUl/S. 39 
 
 Colonel Ingoldsby, and that work of mercy will 
 never be blotted from my memory. Do you 
 not recollect ?"' 
 
 " What ! mine host of St. Dunstan and the 
 Devil ! Ods my life, what my eld friend Caleb 
 Johnson, give me your manus ; why 1" — viewing 
 him with a countenance suddenly lighted with 
 the benignant smile of acknowledged old 
 acquaintanceship, *•' give me your manus, ]\Iaster 
 Johnson ; I am right glad to meet you once 
 again. And how fares it with mine hostess? — 
 It is long shice I have heard the clanking of the 
 pewter, and the tinkling of the bar bell, at the 
 old tavern. What ! is she looking as comely as 
 ever ? gi'own a little portly I wot, like my old 
 friend Caleb, hey ? Why Master Johnson," 
 looking playfully at his corporation, '' Why, my 
 jolly host, as AVill Shakspeare says, ' with good 
 capon Hncd,' hey Master Caleb ? How comes 
 this about ? surely you cannot have fattened on 
 your loyalty. Vour vagabond round-heads have 
 taken good care of that. A contented mind, 
 hey IMaster Caleb ? Well I that after all is the 
 best fare, as the book has it, ' a continual 
 feast.' "
 
 40 THE MEETING OF OLD FRIENDS, 
 
 " Why, Master Colonel, it is of no use to fret 
 one's bowels to fiddle-strings, as the saying is. 
 I have not fattened on the royalists, however, 
 that is certain. My capons have been the law- 
 yers, Master Ingoldsby, and they you know 
 can come down freely for feasting in all times, 
 for these black-legged chicks have their fingers 
 in every man's pocket, ha, ha, ha, as a bodv 
 may say. But the purport of my following 
 you this morning, which I hope you will take 
 in good part, is 'to offer you my humble service, 
 mine, ind my good dame's, who saw you, knew 
 you, and desired me to follow you ; we have 
 talked about you Colonel Ingoldsby, early and 
 late, many and many's^the day, and by God's 
 blessing we may be instrumental in our humble 
 capacities to your future welfare now public 
 affairs be altered ; you understand me. Sir ; for 
 I have where-with-all to serve a kind benefactor 
 in more ways than one." 
 
 '* Thou art a right worthy soul, and that I 
 knew years ago, Master Caleb," said the Colonel, 
 " and it was on that account, that I now recol- 
 lect my saying a good word for you with the 
 old cut-throat jailer of Ludgate — I accept your
 
 IN OLD SAINT PAUl's. 41 
 
 proffered services with frankness, for I honestly 
 confess, that I am not overwhelmed by the obli- 
 gations of friendship at this period : but nil 
 desperandum, that is, never despair, is my 
 motto. Master Caleb, and I shall trust to the 
 fates, who never desert the man who dares 
 fortune to kiss his breech." 
 
 " And where, may I be so bold, can I find 
 you. Master Colonel ? for I have a scheme in my 
 head at your service, meanwhile," looking 
 around to satisfy himself that no one over-heard 
 or saw what he was about to do ; when taking a 
 small whit-leather purse from his pocket, he 
 respectfully pressed it into the Colonel's hand, 
 saying " that is part of my old debt, worthy 
 Sir, and please to send me word where I can 
 wait upon you at night-fall." St. Paul's chimes 
 at this moment reminded the old [tavern-keeper 
 that it was on the stroke of nine, that 
 his help-mate was w^aiting all this while at 
 Martin Colechurch's. " Good morrow. Sir," 
 said he, *' keep up your courage. Colonel," and 
 offering his hand, the Colonel gave it a cordial 
 shake, when, Caleb bustled along, round the 
 choir, and descending the steps with a light
 
 42 THE MEETING OF OLD FRIENDS, &C. 
 
 heart, peeped in at the bookseller's, and 
 whispered, old Watkin Waller, " I've seen 
 Master Ingoldsbv, God preserve him, and 
 another time will tell you all about it."' 
 
 The inquisitive old bibliopolist peeped over 
 the hatch, with spectacles on nose, crying, 
 " hilloa, stop, Master Caleb,"' but he was too 
 late, the generous tavern-keeper seemed to 
 mend his speed at every step ; he was impatient 
 to make his way to the poulterer's to acquaint 
 his excellent help-mate with the fruits of this 
 interview.
 
 TFIE OLD BLACK EAGLE IN AN UPROAR. 43 
 
 CHAPTER III. 
 
 THE OLD BLACK EAGLE IN AN UPROAR. 
 
 How noto? Tl'hose mare's dead? TVhaVs the matter? 
 
 Shiksfbare. 
 
 " Christ ! vot a noble chentleman vosli dat 
 Colonel Ingolslipie^'' said Mordecai. " So vash 
 Master Caleb Jonshon, and so vash dame Jon- 
 short : it vas a comfort to have dealings with the ^ 
 Devil, so help me G— d." 
 
 " Out I tliou reprobate Jew, why every other 
 sentence is a blasphemy, where dost expect to 
 go to, wicked wretch ! AVhy thou unrighteous 
 Israehte, how canst thou be vending these holy 
 prayer books, with naught but oaths in thy 
 mouth ? why thy very breath is pollution," snuf- 
 fled the hypocritical old shop-keeper.* 
 
 * The Black Eagle had been a book-shop, from the 
 time of Queen Elizabeth, in whose reign, the weather- 
 cock from the top of the lofty spire of old St. Paul's 
 cathedral was blown down in a hurricane, and falling 
 near the north porch, demolished the bookseller's sign. 
 
 T.
 
 44 THE OLD BLACK EAGLE IN AN UPROAR. 
 
 '' I'll not shwear no more, so help me " 
 
 " Hold," said Watkin Waller, placing his hand 
 before the Jew's mouth ; " if thou dost not for- 
 bear I'll have no more dealings with thee, thou 
 remorseless sinner." 
 
 " Strichke me Veil, I vont. But vot in 
 
 the varld ish the prayer book to me, good 
 Master Waller ? It ish not any religion at all of 
 mine. But I will not have no words with mine 
 good customer. How moche vosh it you'll give 
 for the lot ? Only ten left ; all as cheap as dirt, 
 so help " 
 
 " What! again .f^" exclaimed the bookseller. 
 
 " O ! mine dear, vot a good man you vosh ! " 
 said the accommodating Jew. " It ish a bad 
 custom — vot I learned as I vosh a little boy. 
 Mine grandfather, Rabbi Moses, vosh swear, 
 and mine grandmother. Rabbi Moses, vosh 
 swear ; mine blessed father vosh swear; and mine 
 blessed mother vosh swear, so mine broders and 
 sister all swear ; and sister Rachel vosh swear 
 most of all ; but Rachel ish an apostate, and a 
 Christian, and married a Muggletonian shoe- 
 maker, and he has cured her of cursing with 
 his leathern strap. Blow me down dead, but he
 
 THE OLD BLACK EAGLE IN AN UPROAR. 45 
 
 is a pretty villain for his part/' Here the Jew 
 placed his finger on his nose, and raising his 
 wrinkling brow, with a shrug of the shoulders, 
 added, " for he is a resheiver of stolen goods ! " 
 
 " Wheugh," whistled the old bibliopolist, 
 '^ a notable genealogy of cursers and swearers. I 
 pity thee, Master Mordecai — I pity thee indeed 
 — I pity thee from my heart. Ah, ^lordecai," 
 examining the bindings of the common prayer 
 books, " if thou would'st read the holy precepts 
 inclosed in these covers, thou would'st forbear 
 the sinful habit, and become a fair trader, and 
 upright in all thy dealings— as I am, Master 
 Mordecai. Look here, open this, and read the 
 Lord's Prayer, and be a Christian.'"' 
 
 The Jew shut his eyes, and rejected the book 
 with outstreched hands. '* I vosh not read not 
 at all ; I vosh not buy the books to read ; I 
 vosh buy the books to sell — all in the way of 
 business. Come, vot say you to forty shilling 
 each quarto — come, take the two at thirty-eight ; 
 fine type, fine paper, peautiful binding — the 
 silver clasp shall melt for as moche ; great par- 
 gain, so help me . Veil, veil, I vont swear
 
 46 THE OLD BLACK EAGLE IN AN UPROAR. 
 
 no more. Schmite me to the dust, but it is as 
 clieapas dirt." 
 
 " Let us see. Humph ! money is money 
 now-a-days ; never knew it so scarce. So, then 
 — two quartos at twenty-five shiUings each, five 
 octavos at eight, three duodecimos at four — that 
 makes a hundred and two shilHngs. Come, Mas- 
 ter Mordecai, there is no business stirring; I'll 
 be plain with you," said old Vv'aller, who was a 
 notorious skin-flint, " I'll count you out four 
 pounds ten shillings at a word, and one farthing 
 more I will not give. Every body can vouch 
 for my open dealings." 
 
 " Christ ! vot a Jew you vosh, in making the 
 pargain. Schmite me tead and dark in your 
 
 shop Vot ! do you think I stole them ? Vy 
 
 every copy is of the value of twice as much 
 money. Give me the other twelve shilling — five 
 pound two shilling, by your own reckoning, 
 Master Waller. I just parted with a quarto to 
 as big a villain as ever vosh, one money schrive- 
 ner in PauVs- Walk, for five and forty shilling, 
 as I hope to be shaved." 
 
 " Thou hope to be saved ! I'll warrant me
 
 THE OLD BLACK EAGLE IN AN UPROAR. 4/ 
 
 thou'lt not meet another shop that will deal as 
 liberally as the Black Eagle, within the city 
 walls. The copies are all perfect^ I suppose. I 
 have no time now to collate them ; but call to- 
 morrow, or the next day, and you shall have 
 the money." 
 
 " O ! vot this is your manner of doing 
 business, Master AValler. You vosh very 
 liberal in your conscience. Give me the books. 
 I could find a score of chapmen in Paternoshter- 
 Row. The article shall rise you a matter of 
 fifty per shent in a week. Blister me all over, 
 if I stole the books if I vosh sell 'em for von 
 shilling less."''' 
 
 The wily, over-reaching old Waller, knew the 
 growing demand for common prayers ; he could 
 lay his finger on twenty customers for every 
 copy. '' Well, well," said AValler, again look- 
 ing at the title page and final leaf ; *' I suppose 
 I may take your word," twirling the leaves once 
 more ; " so cut off the ten shilhngs, and I'll post 
 you three pounds. Never was there such 
 scarcity of ready cash, to be sure, since I have 
 done business." 
 
 '' Schmite my father's bones if I vosh do any
 
 48 THE OLD BLACK EAGLE IN AN UPROAR. 
 
 such thing."'' The Jew saw the old pike was 
 eager to swallow the bait. " Veil ! you are too 
 hard, Master Waller ; come, we vosh split the 
 difference. Hand me the half of twelve shilling 
 — is six. Cheap as dirt, and I vosh make a 
 better pargain some other time." Old Waller 
 fought hard for the reduction, but Mordecai 
 was stout ; so going to his till, and taking a bowl 
 of silver, he selected the sum in Oliver Crom- 
 well crowns,, as he had .heard they were to be 
 called in by proclamation, and many weak people 
 were parting with these coins from their hoards 
 at a loss of five per cent. So he counted them 
 out with seeming reluctance, whilst the Jew 
 chinked each upon the counter, to prove that 
 they were no counterfeits; and taking up his 
 empty bag, shook his head, saying, as he opened 
 the hatch, " Ah I you vosh cruel hard at mak- 
 ing a pargain ; so fare you well, ]\Iaster Waller."" 
 No sooner had Mordecai turned the corner, 
 than old Sly-hoots^ as he was designated in the 
 Row, began to polish the clasps with a piece of 
 chamois leather, singing and whistling by turns 
 the old ditty of Pierce Plowman and the Cheats 
 of London, chuckling at his bargain with the
 
 THE OLD BLACK EAGLE IN AN UPROAR. 49 
 
 Jew ; when, in the midst of his exultation, in 
 stalked Lawyer Prynne^ who, well skilled in 
 ancient lore, was a buyer of scarce books. Old 
 Watkin Waller, as before related, had become a 
 royalist ; so, thinking to have a sly wipe at the 
 'precisian^ who was one of the righteous who had 
 so piously voted for the abolition of the book of 
 common prayer, he handed him a quarto copy, 
 saying, " I've just made a notable bargain this 
 morning, good master Prynne," chuckling and 
 rubbing his hands — " a few copies of the inter- 
 dicted book." " What book ? " said Prynne. 
 '' And be it thy pleasure thou mayest look,' 
 said Waller, eyeing the querulous barristeir wnth 
 the cunning of a fox. Prynne carelessly glanced 
 at the title page, and turned over a few leaves, 
 when looking contemptuously a^ the bookseller, 
 " Why, thou ilhterate ass," said he, '^ these are 
 Popish prayer books !" 
 
 " The devil ! thou dost not say so, master 
 Prynne. Curse the rogue ' then he has taken 
 me in. The Jew rascal I I'll trounce the blas- 
 phemous miscreant, if I do not plague take me. 
 Od-zounds, and so they be ; curse and confound 
 the rogue — the thief — the villain ! " 
 
 VOL. I. D
 
 50 THE OLD BLACK EAGLE IN AN UPROAR. 
 
 " Swear not, curse not, weak old man. 
 ' Cursed be he that curseth another,' saith the 
 word. What ! thou hast been outwitted by that 
 Mordecai, who hath been taking in all the town 
 with papistical prayer books, with false titles, 
 printed on purpose to deceive. This is another 
 manifestation of the judgments of the Most 
 High upon this sinful city. Yea, fraud is going 
 to and fro, seeking whom it may devour. Thou 
 art a rapacious worldly wight in all thy dealings, 
 notoriously so, Master Waller, and my inward 
 spirit rejoiceth that the biter is bit ; " when, 
 shutting the book, and gravely fastening the 
 clasps, he laid it upon the counter, took up his 
 gloves, and with his wonted solemn stiffness de- 
 parted forth from the shop with a groan. 
 , Old Waller stood astounded, and groaned 
 too. To be tricked of his nineteen Oliver's 
 crowns was misery enough, but to be outwitted 
 in a bargain, to be thus over-reached by an 
 itinerant Jew, with whom all barter with caution, 
 was an aggravation beyond bearing ; so meeting 
 his old spinster sister, and co-partner in the 
 business, who heard all that had passed, in the 
 little passage at the foot of the stairs, and open-
 
 THE OLD BLACK EAGLE IN AN UPROAR. 51 
 
 ing his budget of calamity to his fellovv-sufFerer, 
 instead of meeting the condolence he sought, the 
 sarcastic Miss Abigail, who m as a furious Inde- 
 pendent,'^ exclaimed, " Out upon thee I ac- 
 
 • So ere the storm of war broke out, 
 Religion spawn'd a various rout, 
 Of petulant capricious sects. 
 The maggots of corrupted texts. 
 
 This mischievous sect laboured incessantly, and 
 with too much success, to undermine the church and 
 destroy episcopacy. To effect which they wilfully 
 perverted the Scripture, and mutilated texts to suit 
 their own purposes : Hence learning, decorum, and 
 unaffected piety, gave way to ignorance, presumption, 
 and hypocrisy ; and itinerant enthusiasts were sought, 
 and encouraged to go to every part of the kingdom, to 
 preach and expound the word. Oliver Cromwell, 
 one of the sect, frequently mounted the conventicle 
 pulpit — so did the ofhcers and soldiers — they preached 
 and prayed, and then they fought. 
 
 Oliver was notorious for misinterpreting of the word. 
 He preached at Sir Peter Temple's, in Lincoln's-hin- 
 Fields, and his sermon was printed, entitled, " Crom- 
 welVs Learned, Devout, and Conscientious Exercise, 
 upon Romans xiii, ;" wherein he began — " Dearly 
 beloved brethren and sisters, it is true this text is a 
 
 D 2
 
 52 THE OLD BLACK EAGLE IX AN UPROAR. 
 
 cursed apostate ; what possessed thee to barter 
 with a Jew for that sort of ware ? This comes of 
 
 malifjuant one ; the wicked and ungodly have abused 
 it very much ; but, thanks be to God, it was to their 
 own ruin. 
 
 " But now that I spoke of kings, the question is, 
 whether by the highe^r powers are meant kings or 
 commoners. * * * Paul speaks in the plural numhcr, 
 higher powers : Now had he meant subjection to a 
 king, he would have said, let every soul be subject to 
 the higher power, if he had meant one man ; but by 
 this you see he meant more than one : He bids us be 
 subject to the higher powers, that is, the Council of 
 State, the House of Commons, and the ^rmy,'' What 
 followed cannot surprise, when this wilful perversion 
 of Scripture was taken for gospel. 
 
 " The Independents whose first station. 
 Was in the rear of Reformation, 
 A mongrel kind of church dragoons. 
 That serv'd for horse and foot at once; 
 And in the saddle of one steed, 
 The Saracen and Christian rid ; 
 Were free of ev'ry spiritual order, 
 To preach SLud^ght, and prat^ and mtirther.'" 
 
 Sir Roger L' Estrange, speaking of the saints of this 
 age, observes, " That they did not set one step in the
 
 THE OLD BLACK EAGLE IN AN UPROAR. 53 
 
 thy loyalty, thou old scape-grace. 'Tis a notable 
 way of doing business, thou hound ! Aye, 'tis 
 high time to take down the sign of the Black 
 Eagle, and hang up the sign of the Goose." 
 
 Mistress Abigail and he had led a continued 
 cat-and-dog life together, ever since the death 
 of Godfrey Waller, the father of the hopeful 
 pair, who was one of the elders in the congre- 
 
 whole tract of this iniquity, without seeking the Lord 
 first, and going up to enquire of the Lord, which was 
 no other than to make God the author of sin, and to 
 impute the blackest practices of hell to the inspiration 
 of the Holy Ghost. 
 
 " It was with this pretext of seeking the Lord in 
 prayer, that Cromwell, Ireton, Harrison, and others of 
 the Regicides, cajoled General Fairfax, who was de- 
 termined to rescue the king from execution, giving 
 orders to have it speedily done ; and when they had 
 notice that it was over, they perguaded the general that 
 tliis was a full return of prayer, and God having so 
 manifested his pleasure, they ought to acquiesce in it." 
 
 " So the late saints of blessed memory. 
 Cutthroats in Godly pure sincerity; 
 So they with lifted hands and eyes devout. 
 Said grace, and carv'd a slaughter'd monarch out." 
 
 Oldhnni's Satijre,
 
 54 THE OLD BLACK EAGLE IN AN UPROAR. 
 
 gation of the Independents, and as wily an old 
 rogue as the deepest of that sanctified fraternity. 
 Waller's loyalty, and church, and kingship, 
 originated less out of respect to the cause, than 
 in hatred to her notions, and those of her puri- 
 tanical friends,, who drew largely upon her sav- 
 ings, and straitened brother Watkin in capital to 
 drive on the joint business of the shop. His 
 exultation at the approaching Restoration of 
 King Charles, kept his sister continually in her 
 tantarums: hence their domestic war was the 
 conversation of all the wits and wags who 
 dropped in at the Black Eagle. 
 
 Old Watkin, who was her match in expedients, 
 and scarcely less vindictive, determined to play 
 her a trick. " I'll take thee at thy word," said 
 he, unhanging his cloak from the peg behind 
 his desk, and putting on his high crowned hat, 
 he hastily quitted the shop, shutting the half 
 door after him with a bang, then turning 
 sharply round, and thrusting his head back, 
 he added, " I'll make thee remember the sign, 
 I'll warrant me : yes, yes, mistress, the old 
 eagle shall come down, and the young lion 
 shall hang in its place.""
 
 THE OLD BLACK EAGLE IN AN UPROAR. 55 
 
 " Here, take the Jew's bargain with thee," 
 exclaimed the virago, hurling one of the quarto 
 prayer books, with vengeance at his head, 
 through the door-way, seizing another to dis- 
 pose of in the like manner, when, as her evil 
 genius would have it, the volume came in 
 contact with a city apprentice's skull, which 
 laid him flat and senseless on the pavement. 
 This was a direful misfortune for the old In- 
 dependent ; as the city apprentices at that 
 moment, a most formidable body, were raving 
 politicians, and all for church and king. A 
 gang of these uncontroulable youths were on 
 their way to Whitehall, to witness the prepa- 
 rations for the reception of the expected mo- 
 narch. 
 
 To make the matter the worse, one of the 
 clasps of the heavy book, which was thrown with 
 the force of a catapulta, for old Abigail was six 
 feet high, broad, strong, and bony withal, made 
 a deep gash in his forehead, from which ran 
 a copious stream of blood. " The old beldam 
 has done for him, sure-enough ! " said one — 
 " Aye I he is a corpse indeed !"* said another, 
 picking up the book, and on beholding the
 
 56 THE OLD BLACK EAGLE IN AN UPROAR. 
 
 title, ran to the shop, crying, " You will be 
 damned and go to hell, old Jesabel, what! 
 throw the Word of God away from thee !" 
 When seizing the other which lay open out- 
 side the door, and a passing stationer disco- 
 vering that they were Romish prayer books, 
 with false titles, the crowd increased, and the 
 enraged apprentices began to ransack the pre- 
 mises. " Bring her out, the old Jesuit,'" cried 
 the mob. " Here are more of them," cried 
 one of the apprentices, *' Here's roguery come 
 to light ! Puritans and Popish prayer books." 
 
 " Tear the old witch to pieces," vociferated 
 another. " Break her windows," said a glazier in 
 a low voice ; and no sooner said than'done. The 
 pavement pebbles, beside the kennel, were torn 
 up, and the windows, frames and all, were 
 smashed in, with a noise that alarmed the 
 neighbourhood. " Church and king, you old 
 murderess."* " Away with her to Newgate," 
 " Hang her up on her own sign." " Down 
 with the house,'"* and half a score of lusty 
 youths, wrenched the door off the hinges. 
 
 When the young man, who appeared pale 
 and senseless, was carried to St. Bartholomew's,
 
 THE OLD BLACK EAGLE IN AN UPROAR. 57 
 
 the rage of his fellows menaced destruction on 
 the head of the monstrous woman ; who far from 
 expressing contrition, seemed to glory in the deed, 
 as one directed by the arm of the Lord, in his 
 holy vengeance upon the apostate apprentices. 
 
 Fortunately, however, Dr. South, a clergy- 
 man of the Church of England, who happened 
 to witness the beginning of the commotion, in- 
 terposed, and being well known, he stepped 
 forth and addressed the rioters. " Hold, hold, 
 forbeai- young men, my loyal and worthy 
 friends ; do not take the law into your own 
 hands^ the law will do you justice: procure 
 a warrant, and giv^e the woman over to the 
 police." 
 
 " Church and king I" cried the apprentices, 
 *' God bless you, Dr. South." The appeal 
 happily was not made in vain; it was the 
 first admonition they had received from so ve- 
 nerable a quarter, and was respected accord- 
 ingly. A deputation from the apprentices was 
 despatched to the sitting alderman at Guildhall, 
 and a party remained to guard the door of the 
 Black Eagle, lest Mistress Abigail should at- 
 tempt an escape: but this precaution was un- 
 D 3
 
 oS THE OLD BLACK EAGLE IN AN UPROAR. 
 
 necessary. The remorseless fanatic, fearless of 
 consequences, was determined to brave it out. 
 
 Whilst Abigail was thus assailed, her mali- 
 cious partner brother was on his way to drive 
 a bargain with Matthew Barlowe's quaker shop- 
 man, in Harp Alley, for a new sign of the 
 King's Head, little dreaming of the sudden 
 hurly-burly at the Black Eagle.
 
 STRANGE DOINGS IN HARP ALLEY. 59 
 
 CHAPTER IV. 
 
 STRANGE DOINGS IN HARP ALLEY. 
 
 " This their jangling I esteem a sport." 
 
 Shakspeare. 
 
 Arrived at Master Barlowe's, the close 
 fisted trader could not agree about price, 
 nor settle whether he should purchase a Royal 
 Oak, or a King's Head: " AVhat may be the 
 amount of this," pointing to a large pannel, 
 " Master Jonathan." 
 
 " What, thou need est one friend," replied the 
 quaker. 
 
 •^ I ask you what one of these may be worth," 
 said the bookseller, petulantly. 
 
 " Signs be signs, in these times, I assure thee, 
 friend Waller," said Jonathan, see-sawing on 
 his toes and heels ; " trade flourisheth, and 
 industry prevaileth from the morning until the 
 night, in our master's house : yea, orders be 
 forth-coming, from the east and the west, from
 
 60 STRANGE DOINGS IN HARP ALLEY. 
 
 the north and the south, and he that would be 
 well served, should not tarry long.'' 
 
 " Then why dost prate, what is the value of 
 this King's Head?" 
 
 " The good man of this house, estimateth the 
 cunning labour of his own hand, friend Waller, 
 and he hath not vouchsafed to communicate to 
 Jonathan his servant, other than that one be of 
 one price, and another be of another price : 
 yea, Matthew Barlowe reserveth unto himself 
 the value thereof." 
 
 " Then thou prevaricating blockhead, my time 
 be of some value if tliine be not. Confound 
 thy stupidity, what is the price of this King's 
 Head .'* hast wit enough to answer a plain 
 question ?"" 
 
 " Peradventure, thou wanteth it for thyself." 
 
 " What is that to thee, — I ask the price, — thou 
 oaf." 
 
 " Peradventure, thou wanteth it per order 
 from one of thy country correspondents, for 
 thou do'st trade under the sign and symbol of 
 the Black Eagle." 
 
 " But thou inquisitive — prying— stiff— obsti- 
 nate — "
 
 STRANGE DOINGS IN HARP ALLEY. Gl 
 
 " Nay, friend Waller, thou hast no occasion : 
 if thou needest the article for thyself, he who 
 employeth me would charge thee one sum ; if 
 for another, then would he demand another, 
 allowing thee a fair and equitable profit, accord- 
 ing to the custom of trade, for the maxim of 
 Master Matthew Barlo we, yea, and a wholesome 
 maxim it be, is to do unto another, as he would 
 another should do unto him." 
 
 " Aye ! thou art a smooth spoken one. Master 
 Aminidah^' said Watkin Waller with a sneer, 
 " though I do not think a whit the better of thee 
 for being a disciple of that obstinate fanatic 
 George Fox." * 
 
 * George Fox, the founder of this sect, affirmeth, 
 " That when the Lord sent him into the world he 
 forbad him to put off his hat to any, high or low ; 
 and that he was required to thee and thou men and 
 women, without any respect to rich or poor, great or 
 small ; and as he travelled up and down, he was not 
 to bid people good-morrow and good-evening ; neither 
 might he bow or scrape the leg to any one." 
 
 The obstinacy of the primitive quakers, made a 
 part of the strange religious drama of the seventeenth 
 century. Bishop Parker says, " They scarce ac- 
 counted any act so religious, as to resist human aulho-
 
 62 STRANGE DOINGS IN HARP ALLEY. 
 
 " It moveth not my inward man to ill will, 
 friend Waller, in hearkening to thy revilings. 
 George Fox recommendeth the living together 
 in peace and brotherly love. Thy sister and 
 thee hath had words this morning, as I gathered 
 from thy own complaints to our friend and 
 neighbour, Potter, the cord wain er, on the thres- 
 hold of this house, and verily thou art moved to 
 drive a bargain in anger, yea in a froward and 
 unchristian spirit ;" then again raising himself 
 
 rity; therefore, they met the oftener, because they 
 were forbid ; (viz. by the 35th of Queen Elizabeth, 
 against the assemblies oifanaticks,) nor could they by 
 any force be dmwn away one from another, till a merry 
 fellow hit upon this stratagem : he proclaimed in the 
 king's name, that it should not be lawful for any one 
 to depart without his leave, and he had scarcely done 
 this, when they all went their ways, that it might not 
 be said, that they obeyed any man. 
 
 George Fox, born at Drayton in Lincolnshire, in 
 1624, was apprenticed to a shoe-maker, and followed 
 his trade in Nottingham, until partaking of the fana- 
 ticism of the times, his heated imagination engendered 
 spiritual illuminations, which urged him to set about 
 the reformation of mankind. He asserted that he 
 received his instructions immediately from the holy
 
 STRANGE DOINGS IN HARP ALLEY. 63 
 
 on his toes, and dropping upon his heeis, he 
 added " my spirit moveth me to utter the word^ 
 wherein it is written, ' Let not the sun go down 
 upon thy wrath.' " 
 
 " What is the price of this sign, thou impu- 
 dent, stiff-necked hypocrite? raved old Wal- 
 ler, increasing his voice at each word ; '* mind 
 thine own affairs, or at least attend to thy 
 master's. Dost think I have nothing better 
 to do than stand here to hold a cabal with a 
 preaching fool of a quaker ?" 
 
 '' The price then," said Jonathan, *' to thee^ 
 peradventure if it be for thyself, will be two 
 pounds and ten shillings." 
 
 spirit. His wife under a like delusion, fancied herself 
 inspired too, and preached to their followers. 
 
 From these sprung that respected fraternity, deno- 
 minated Quakers, who live in peace and charity with all 
 men. The sect, however, was upheld by William 
 Penn and Robert Barclay, whose Apologij for the 
 Quakers, is a work of good sense and piety, and 
 abounding in Christian charity. 
 
 The morality, justice, and plain dealing of the 
 brethren is proverbial. But when a member does 
 disgrace their congregation, he is generally found to be 
 a " Rogue in Grain.''*
 
 64 STRANGE DOINGS IN HARP ALLEY. 
 
 "But suppose it be not for myself, what then ?"' 
 
 " Why, if thou hadst answered yea or nay, 
 when I civilly questioned thee, thou mightest 
 liave gotten thy satisfaction." 
 
 " Well then, thou quibbling ignoramus, I 
 want to send it to a customer, and what then?" 
 
 " Yea then, (now I Anil try thy veracity, 
 thought Jonathan) in that case, neighbour 
 Waller, the charge will be ten shillings more." 
 
 " O ! sayst thou so ! — why thou over-reaching 
 fraudulent, here is a pretty specimen of qua- 
 ker cunning : a notable way of cheating ; why 
 master sheep-face, thou art a greater rogue than 
 I suspected.'' 
 
 '' Sixty shilhngs, friend Waller, albeit three 
 pounds. They will be much riz in price, I am 
 moved to calculate within, a calendar month ; for 
 verily the demand exceed eth the labour of the 
 ingenious workers in paint, and already doth 
 the times manifest by the multiplying of loyal 
 signs, the marvellous goodness of the Giver of 
 peace, unto thy long afflicted people. Ho- 
 sanna !" 
 
 *' Hold thy cant, and keep thy breath to cool 
 thy pottage, I am rather too old to be cozened ot
 
 STRANGE DOINGS IN HARP ALLEY. 05 
 
 my wit, by thy artful forbearance, thou cunning 
 disciple of that wily old Fojr, so let's have no 
 more of it, I shall take thy first price, I only 
 wanted to know the difference, and then, cun- 
 7iing Isaac, mind me, I shall have an abate- 
 ment, I pay ready money."*"' 
 
 " Thou hast only thine own consent, friend 
 Waller. There are two parties to this bargain, 
 and I am moved in integrity to my employer, to 
 take thee at thine own word," when Jonathan 
 reached the order-book, and taking the pen from 
 his ear, and dipping it into the ink, he added, 
 *' I will thank thee, neighbour, to hand me the 
 direction to thy country correspondent ; it will 
 be packed carefully, carried to the Inn, and for- 
 warded forthwith by waggon, providence per- 
 mitting.'' 
 
 " Inn ! waggon ! hey, cunning Isaac ! why I 
 tell thee, the sign is for myself, for my owri shop ; 
 what now, aye ! thou ar^aquaker sure enough." 
 
 " Friend Waller, thou hast just said, that the 
 sign was not for thyself, and wouldst thou, that 
 I should suspect thee of a non-truth : that thou 
 wouldst falsify thyself for ten shilhngs; that 
 were not charitable. Sixty shillings be the
 
 66 STRANGE DOINGS IN HARP ALLEY. 
 
 market price thou wilt be constrained to pay, or 
 the sign will not be removed to thy order/* 
 
 " Aye, aye, as I suspect, what, put the dif- 
 ference in thy o\mi pocket. I shall up to 
 Master Barlowe's premises myself, and talk 
 over the matter with hun. I am a match for 
 thee, master smooth face ; meek mister z/ea and 
 naj/. Alas ! what will this land come to ! 
 what of your sectaries, and back- sliders one 
 and 'tother : Anabaptists, Independents, Qua- 
 kers, Seekers, Shakers, Muggletonians, and I 
 wot not what else beside. Lord preserve us ! 
 Have you, or have you not a mind to make a 
 deal of it ? Come now, where will be the hurt, 
 suppose I pay thee the first price, and then divide 
 the difference, five shillings I save, where's the 
 hai-m o' that, Jonathan, hey ? and five for thy- 
 self, and nobody is wronged, nay 'tis a free gift 
 o' my part : come, agreed, let's have no words, 
 hey ? the bargain is struck." 
 
 " The spirit moveth me* to answer na2/," re- 
 plied Jonathan, " thou mayest go to the back- 
 side of our premises, if thou wilt, friend, and 
 drive thy bargain with the good man above." 
 The prying old Waller, not displeased at the
 
 STRANGE DOINGS IN HARP ALLEY. 67 
 
 opportunity to speculate upon what was going 
 on in the manufactory, went through the 
 house, across the back yard, and ascended the 
 steep step-ladder which led to Barlowe's painting 
 loft. This was a long, spacious, crazy building 
 of lath and plaster, with oiled paper instead of 
 glass, and the walls daubed with monsters of all 
 kinds, by the urchin colour grinders. He 
 obtained admission amongst the busy painters, 
 five-and-twenty at least, exclusive of apprentices, 
 manufacturing S3n[nbols of loyalty, with palette 
 on thumb, copying their respective patterns, 
 King's arms for church altars, and Kings 
 heads for sign-posts, with the utmost diligence, 
 as every town and every village were pouring 
 orders in upon the thriving concern, faster than 
 they could supply them. Hence the audacious 
 Killegrew * observed to the king, shortly after 
 
 * Thomas Killegrew, the poet and play-wright, bom 
 in 1 6 1 1 , had been page of honour to King Charles 1. and 
 was appointed groom of the bed-chamber to Charles 
 II., whom he faithfully attended during his exile. This 
 lively wight, whose person was almost as comical as 
 his humour, was a great favourite with the gay
 
 68 STRANGE DOINGS IN HARP ALLEY. 
 
 his Restoration, '^ And please your Majesty, that 
 republican dog, Matt Barlowe, is making the 
 amende honorable^ or the devil's in it." " How 
 so ?" inquired the king. " Why please you, most 
 sacred sire, is he not planting loyalty all over 
 the kingdom, and making the face royal in 
 every village as common as crab-apples .?" 
 
 " Hilloa ! and who sent for you old screw- 
 penny?" said Matt Barlowe, as the bookseller 
 entered the loft, winking to Colonel Ingoldsby, 
 whispering, " let us have a little fun with my 
 jockey." 
 
 Ingoldsby was in disguise, sitting as a special 
 favour to aid his old friend Matthew, in fabri- 
 cating a sign at the expence of Prynne the 
 Puritan. Ingoldsby, though without his malice, 
 was as frolicsome as Lord Rochester, or the 
 wittiest of the mad- cap courtiers, who had 
 
 monarch. Indeed privileged by his wit, he could 
 obtain access to the king, when his ministers were 
 denied an audience. By those of the court, who 
 envied the favourite, he was commonly designated the 
 king's jester. Killegrew wrote eleven plays, and was 
 buried in Westminster Abbey, in 1682.
 
 STRANGE DOINGS IN HARP ALLEV. 69 
 
 followed the fortunes of King Charles in his 
 exile. 
 
 Matthew Barlovve was painting, as has been 
 mentioned before, by order of mine host, a new 
 sign of St. Dunstan taking the Devil by the 
 nose, and Ingoldsby, who had an excellent 
 faculty for sketching a hkeness, had struck out 
 with chalk, a capital resemblance of old Caleb 
 Johnson, fresh from recollection of the recent 
 interview with that worthy. He was prompt 
 at a joke, and there was no end to his wit ; 
 so impressed with the renewed recollection of 
 the persecution of Prynne, to the loyal tavern- 
 keeper, said he to Matt, as frohcksome a 
 wight as himself, " Damme Matt, let us see 
 if we cannot muster talent to travestie the sign. 
 Turn St. Dunstan into mine host, and the 
 devil into the likeness of Prynne. Lex tali- 
 onis, the landlord in effigy, taking the Puri- 
 tanical lawyer by the nose, with the red hot 
 tongs. That will make the lop-eared old son 
 
 of a w e smart again, and remember his 
 
 sending mine host to limbo." 
 
 " But, I cannot paint a likeness at all," said 
 Barlowe, '' excepting the king s, and that is
 
 70 STRANGE DOINGS IN HARP ALLEY. 
 
 from a daub of Peter Hosk'ms's, * who did it 
 from memory, whilst in the Fleet. Confound 
 it — however I will try, so here goes," spreading 
 white, Indian red, and black in various gradua- 
 tions upon his palette. " Let me think," said 
 he, " has not mine host a red nose? Lucky 
 enough by goles," said Matt, " I have dead 
 coloured in old St. Dunstan, as a fat, chubby- 
 faced friar, from an unfinished study of Isaac 
 Fuller's, and I'll be whipped, if I do not think 
 upon that from your sketch, we may contrive 
 it. Here boy," addressing one of his fags, 
 " hand me a clean palette, set me some finishing 
 flesh tints, white, Naples yeUow, Venetian red — 
 what is it ? zounds, I have got it somewhere ; 
 can any one of you tell me what were Van- 
 dyke's tints ^ O ! vermilion," singing and whist- 
 ling by turns, as he compounded the tints. 
 
 * Peter Hoskins, an indifferent painter in oil, son of 
 John Hoskins the miniature painter, and master of the 
 celebrated Isaac Oliver and Samuel Cooper. Peter, 
 who was a bon vivant, died in 1684, and was buried 
 in Coven t Garden church-yard.
 
 STRANGE DOINGS IN HARP ALLEY. 71 
 
 " And who gave thee that jolly red nose ? 
 Cinnamon and ginger, nutmegs and — 
 
 where the devil did you get this verniihon, 
 boy ? damme 'tis as gritty as gravel. What 
 a set of thieves, as Isaac Fuller says, these levi- 
 gators adulterate every thing; there is no 
 genuine red to be got. Go boy round to 
 your mistress, and beg her in Christian charity 
 to send me the bottle of Chinese red, that which 
 old Hoskins gave me. By the fates, what 
 would / not give if I had INI aster Bobby Wal- 
 ker here." 
 
 " Talk of the old one, Ms imps appear," " J 
 ask your pardon, though," said prying old 
 "Walter Waller, " but here is Master "Walker 
 coming across the yard, if my eyes do not de- 
 ceive me," putting his spectacles on his nose. 
 
 '' No ! you don't say so," replied Barlowe, 
 when in bounced the very painter himself, ex- 
 claiming, '- what, Matty my boy, how fares it 
 with you," shaking him heartily by the hand ; 
 *' where is Ingoldsby ? I've some good news to 
 tell him." 
 
 *' Who informed you that he was here.''" en- 
 quired Matthew.
 
 72 STRANGE DOINGS IN HARP ALLEY. 
 
 " Why, your rib," replied Walker. Mrs. 
 Barlowe and Master Walker were brother and 
 sister, and fondly attached to each other. 
 
 " Apropos ! a lucky star sent you hither 
 brother Robert ;* come just in the nick of time ; 
 take my palette here, and my pencils, and earn 
 your salt. I know you are on the holiday, on 
 the idle, hey Bob ? come my hearty, you love 
 to be useful, touch us in a portly, fine, tavern- 
 keeper looking, claret-faced phizz, for this sign 
 of St. Dunstan and the Devil/' 
 
 " A what I a fine tavern-keeper-looking. — 
 How am I to make out what sort of a thing 
 you would have ? Surely, you have lived long 
 enough to know Matt, that us portrait painters 
 never do any thing without a prototype. What 
 have we here, though .''" taking up the sheet of 
 cartridge, on which Ingoldsby had sketched the 
 likeness of Caleb Johnson. " Whose handy 
 work may this be, master Matt.''" It was in 
 
 • Robert Walker, principal painter to Oliver Crom- 
 well, who, gay spark as he was, lived not to participate 
 in the fun and frolic which immediately succeeded the 
 Restoration.
 
 STRANGE DOINGS IN HARP ALLEY. 7o 
 
 black, white, and red chalks. " This is not 
 your's, hey, Matthew ?" " no that you may 
 swear," said Barlow. " Cannot you guess." 
 
 " No, I do not know the hand, it is a spunky 
 thing though faith," said Walker, " and a good 
 character, stop, — I've seen that phiz somewhere. 
 I faith — surely 'tis mine host of the Devil.^' 
 
 " Then it must be like — that is beyond all 
 dispute, if you say so brother Walker, and can- 
 not you make a guess, whose it is ?'^ 
 
 " Not I, unless it be Dick Ingoldsby's." 
 " You have hit it," said Barlow ; " and so 
 you think it has some merit, hey ! brother ?''' 
 
 " Merit ! humph. Yes just such a thing as 
 such a harum scarum, devilish clever fellow, as 
 a soldier artist w^ould dash in ; like himself all 
 fire and independence. I wish from my heart, 
 he had done as you have done Matt, turned 
 painter, and left off following the drum : car- 
 ried these harmless colours of Minerva, instead 
 of those of Bellona ; he'd have made a better 
 business of it. Come give us the palette, — 
 Who set these tints? ha— ha — ha," shaking his 
 head, " 111 tell thee what, brother Matt, excuse 
 me : Ingoldsby would have cut you clean out 
 
 VOL. I. E
 
 74 STRANGE DOINGS IN HARP ALLEY. 
 
 at face painting, that is the fact. Why, what 
 the deuce ! you might daub in a red lion, or a 
 milk-sign, well enough, with this brick-dusty 
 arrangement ; but as for a human face, cry your 
 mercy. Matt. Here, my little man," giving 
 the palette to the boy, " scrape these colours 
 off, and wipe it clean. Here, Matt, where are 
 your colour pots ; Lord help us, smudge pots 
 I should swear ; what an arcana ! why. Matt, — 
 what do you grind your pigments in the cart 
 ruts with a waggon wheel ?'' 
 
 '^ Yes, verily, and his vanity tints in a pot- 
 ter's mill." said Ingoldsby, in the canting nasal 
 twang of the conventicle, without altering a 
 muscle of his visage. 
 
 Walker, who was full of fun, turned his back, 
 convulsed with suppressed laughter; what 
 canting saint art thou, thought he. So taking 
 a stool, and seating himself before the easel that 
 held the sign, which was a pannel five feet and 
 a half high, and four feet wide, he contrived to 
 hide himself from the searching stare of the old 
 frump, shaking his shoulders with his risibility, 
 when collecting his countenance, with great 
 effort, he began to advance, with his work on
 
 STRANGE DOINGS IN HARP ALLEY. 75 
 
 the head of St. Dunstan, prepared already for 
 finishing, and dashed in the character with 
 marvellous dexterity ; " Lord ! how like," said 
 Matthew, looking on with rapture, as the paint- 
 ing proceeded ; " there, now," said he, " a 
 little more vermillion on this cheek, brother 
 Walker, and a higher light on the forehead, 
 that is the mark, and a little more breadth of 
 dew-lap there, the old tapster has a most capaci- 
 ous double chin. ' Admirable ! excellent, 
 nothing can be more like ; don't be sparing of 
 colour, dash it on, never fear ; when seen at a 
 distance, it will be capital, every thing will find 
 its place : Damme, this will gravel old Prynne, 
 sure enough, my masters. But, how are we to 
 manage his incomparable phiz,* for there is 
 
 * Prynne used to write heroic verses. His elegant 
 apparatus for the solicitation of the muses, says Dr. 
 Gray, quoting Anthony Wood, was " when he studied, 
 to draw on a long loose quilted cap, which came an 
 inch over his eyes, seldom eating any dinner, he would 
 every three hours or more be munching a roll of 
 bread ; and now and then refresh his exhausted 
 fipirits, with ale brought him by his servant. 
 E 2
 
 76 STRANGE DOINGS IN HARP ALLEY. 
 
 nothing like it in the shape and cut of 
 humanity." 
 
 " Hush, hist,'' whispered Matthew Barlowe, 
 " that grave old divine, in the black cloak, and 
 high crowned hat, has engaged to sit for the 
 devil ; we selected him from his resemblance to 
 the old puritanical barrister." 
 
 For his poetic talent, he is thus complimented by 
 Cowley — 
 
 " One lately did not fear 
 
 Without the Muses' leave to plant verse here. 
 But it produc'd such base, rough, crabbed, hedge- 
 Rhymes, as e'en set the Hearers ears an edge . 
 Written by AVilliam Prynne, Esqui-re, the 
 Year of our Lord six hundred thirty three." 
 
 At this period, many who felt the inspirations of 
 grace, were wont sometimes to woo the Graces : But 
 their favors no more than those of the Muses, were 
 gifts to bestow on puritanical lawyers, or preaching 
 tinkei*s and cobblers. Hence, some wag wrote 
 
 When each notch'd prentice might a poet prove, 
 Warbling thro' the rose a hymn of love ; 
 When sage George Withers, and grave lawyer Prynne 
 Himself might for a poets' share put in.
 
 STRANGE DOINGS TN HARP ALLEY 77 
 
 " Why ! what a Judas !" whispered Walker, 
 What a betrayer, confound them, they would 
 every man of them cut each other's throats, the 
 Jesuitical rascals. But, Matt, now you must 
 manage his hypocritical phiz yourself ; you may 
 do it in black relief, for, by the Lord ! I dare 
 not trust myself with another look at him, J 
 shall certainly laugh in his face. You know my 
 infir — fir — firmity," beginning to shake his 
 sides, " no Matt, 1 shall die, I am already 
 choaking.*' 
 
 " Well, laugh, and you will,'' saidBarlowe; 
 " I will have a dust with that old rogue of a book- 
 seller, and then Bob you may affect to be laugh- 
 ing at Mm."' 
 
 Encouraged by this stratagem. Walker, hav- 
 ing a licence for the exercise of his risible propen- 
 sity, naturally enough felt no present disposition 
 to laugh, and so peeping round, on one side of 
 the panel, he addressed old square-toes, with, 
 " I am afraid we shall wear out your patience, 
 reverend sir ; you have been seated there some 
 long season me-thinks." 
 
 " Proceed with thy carnal operation man ; 
 thou need est not to trouble thyself of me.
 
 78 STRANGE DOINGS Vs HARP ALLEY. 
 
 Sitting is profitable for holy meditation," ac- 
 companying his reply with a groan. 
 
 " Yes, and for hatching of mischief as they have 
 it in my country," said old Walter Waller, in 
 his spleen against the puritans, who had not 
 put in a word for a long time. He had been slyly 
 observing the operation of the workmen, and 
 calculating by whispering questions, how long 
 a king Charles would take to complete, 
 the price of the panel and paints, and what 
 might be its neat value, according to time and 
 wages, preparatory to driving his bargain. 
 
 " Thou art a bibliopolist, foolish old man, 
 and resideth with that meek pattern of piety, 
 thy sister Abigail — art thou not ?" inquired the 
 pseudo Prynne, seemingly roused by his imper- 
 tinence. 
 
 " That I am a bookseller is not to l>e 
 denied," returned Waller ; '' but she whom 
 thou mis-callest a pattern of piety, hath fleeced 
 me by the dark connivance of those hungry 
 wolves in sheeps' clothing, the independents ; and 
 as for her meekness, her tongue is as smooth as 
 a farriers^ file, and her fists as Iiarmless as 
 the heels of a skittish horse. I guess thou art
 
 STRANGE DOINGS IN HAKP ALLEY. 79 
 
 one of her canting vampires, and the Lord send 
 a host of you within her clutches, — better take 
 shelter under the hammers of a fulling mill."" 
 
 " Thy tongue is as the tail of the scorpion, 
 and thy breath as the venom of the asp. The 
 injuries of that patient sister in the Lord, will 
 rise up against thee, in the days that are num- 
 bered, thou vile apocryphal bibliopolist." 
 
 *' Come, a truce my worthy friends," said 
 Matt, with affected gravity. " This is not 
 language fitting for Christians, — and pray what 
 brought you hither. Master Waller."" 
 
 " I came to spight that pious-meek sister of 
 mine. Master Barlow, to purchase a Kings-head^ 
 a Royal-oak^ a Tumhle-doivn-Dick,* or any 
 
 * Tumble-down Dick. This sign which became 
 very general, particularly amongst the ale-house 
 keepers, was invented to ridicule the imbecile Richard 
 Cromwell, the lord protector, who was elected to the 
 government, and proclaimed shortly after the death of 
 his father. 
 
 " Next him his son and heir apparent 
 Succeeded, though a lame vicegerent ; 
 Who first laid by the parliament. 
 The only crutch on which he leant:
 
 i^Q STRANGE DOINGS IN HARP ALLEY. 
 
 Other loyal sign. For, if I do not shame those 
 canting, ranting spongers from my house, a 
 
 And then sunk underneath the state. 
 That rode him above ho.semaji^s iveight." 
 
 HUDISRAS. 
 
 It is known to all that Richard Cromwell was 
 obliged to abdicate. His incapacity was notorious, 
 and he went to sojourn awhile on the continent. 
 Whilst there, he proceeded from place to place under 
 an assumed name, and made a visit incog, to the prince 
 of Conti, who received all foreign strangers with 
 courtesy, but particularly the English. 
 
 *' Finding that the ex-protector was an Englishman, 
 the prince began to discourse of the affaiis of 
 England," says Lord Clarendon, " and asked many 
 questions concerning the king,( Charles II,) and whether 
 all men were quiet, and submitted obediently to him r" 
 Which the other answered according to the truth. 
 " Well," said the prince, " Oliver, though he was a 
 traitor, and a villain, was a brave fellow, had great 
 parts, and great courage, and was worthy to command. 
 But for that Richard, that coxcomb, coquin, poltroon, 
 he was surely the basest fellow alive ; what has become 
 of that fool. Sir ? How is it possible he could be such 
 a sot ?" He answered that he was betrayed by those he 
 most trusted, and who had been most obliged by his
 
 STRANGE DOINGS IN HARP ALLEY. 81 
 
 murrain take me, if I will not dispose of stock, 
 shut up my shop, and quit trade altogether in 
 toto. I will ! aye — as sure as my name be 
 AValter." 
 
 " Out with thee, thou son of Belial," said 
 old black -cap. " Thou art too fond of the flesh 
 
 father. So being weary of his visit, he quickly took 
 his leave, and next morning left the town, out of fear 
 that the prince might find out, that he was that very 
 fool and coxcomb he had mentioned so kindly, and 
 two days after, the prince did come to know who it 
 was he had treated so well. 
 
 " What's worse Old Noll is marching off, 
 And Bick his heir apparent, 
 Succeeds him in the government 
 A very lame vicegerent ; 
 He'll reign but little time, poor tool, 
 But sink beneath the state ; 
 That will not fail to ride the fool, 
 'Bove common horseman's weight." 
 
 Butler* s Coble,- ^ and Vicar of Bray. 
 
 There is a sign of the Tumble-down Dick, at a 
 pubhc-house, on the Surry side of London Bridge, 
 entering the Borough. 
 
 eS
 
 82 STRANGE DOINGS IN HARP ALLEY. 
 
 pots of Egypt, to forego thy wordly pursuits, 
 thou extortioner. Do thou so, and I and the 
 remnant of the brethren in the spirit, will raise 
 lier up a tabernacle of strength ; yea, her dwell- 
 ing shall be propped with the shoulders of the 
 righteous, and thy afflicted sister shall flourish 
 in commerce, and abound in spice, frankincense, 
 and myrrh, like queen Sheba, or the merchants, 
 daughters of Sidon and Tyre." 
 
 " Prop her up !" exclaimed old Waller, his 
 teeth chattering with rage. " The brethren in 
 the spirit ! Eat her up, that is more likely, a 
 parcel of sanctified cormorants, vultures, that 
 feed upon the credulity of the weak in the flesh ; 
 out upon thee, thou old Guy Faux, I'll warrant 
 me thou hast a dark lantern, and other combus- 
 tibles under thy cloak, ready to blow up the 
 parliament house again ; but, the king is about 
 to do his work, and I shall live to see the whole 
 kit of you hymning it on huKdlcs to Tyburn. I 
 shall hold no more discourse with thee, old 
 Guy, — ha — ha — ha. Take care of thy tinder 
 box. Master Guy, the meek Mistress Abigail 
 will furnish brimstone enough for matches, TU 
 warrant.'"* So having given the puritan, as he
 
 STRANGE DOINGS IN HARP ALLEY. 83 
 
 supposed, a Rowland for his Oliver, he turned 
 him to Barlowe, saying, "• What wilt thee 
 charge me as a neighbour for one of these 
 King's-heads ? one of this size, I should desire 
 to have it of large dimension, to stare the 
 traitor saints in the face; I'll down with the 
 eagle." 
 
 " Yea do thou so," said the Puritan, " for 
 as the word has recorded, and it shall come to 
 pass, that the eagle of the mountain shall be de- 
 based from her high seat, and the goose shall be 
 exalted to her place." 
 
 " Curse and confound thee for a false pro- 
 phet,'' exclaimed the enraged bibliopolist, strut- 
 ting up to the mock saint. ^' I give thee the 
 lie in thy teeth, thou incendiary — thou wily 
 slanderer, it is thee, thou perfidious babbler, 
 that hath put that insulting thought in sister 
 Abigail's head. Yes, Master Barlowe," added 
 the enraged bookseller, " now I have traced the 
 fox to his den — yes, thou traitorous old powder 
 plot, thou damnable old Guy, it is thee that 
 hast brewed this fury 'twixt natural flesh and 
 blood. I "11 have thee trounced, thou traitor, 
 thou peace breaker — thou devil incarnate, off
 
 84 STRANGE DOINGS IN HARP ALLEY, 
 
 with thy band, thou priest of Dagon, and be 
 hanged to thee," seizing the colonel by the collar, 
 who losing his gravity in the scuffle, bereft at 
 the same time of his high crowned hat, stood at 
 once exposed, and laughing until he roared 
 again ; whilst the astonished old Waller stag- 
 gered aghast, not knowing whether he was 
 awake, or in a dream. " Why, hey ! what in 
 the name of wonder does all this mean ? Surely 
 I am becrazed — What I good lord ! as I live — 
 why 'tis colonel Ingoldsby. Excuse me. Sir, 
 upon my word. Sir, I do not wish to give offence, 
 Sir, but indeed this is carrying the joke too 
 far, colonel, you have no right, Sir, to agitate 
 an honest trader in this light, upon my con- 
 science it is not fair, master colonel, to treat a 
 reputable citizen of London in this guise. Whip 
 me, Master Barlowe, if I know whether I am, I 
 myself or no, for naught but fraud and cheatery, 
 and enthralment has beset me this blessed 
 morning." 
 
 '' First comes a letter from a rascally limb of 
 the law, threatening to trounce me for usury 
 and false imprisonment, because I sought my 
 o^vn legally.""
 
 STRANGE DOINGS IN HARP ALLEY. 83 
 
 " 0-0 ! say you so master bookseller; ilieii 
 you are the merciful gentleman who holds 
 Master Shirley * in the Marshalsea," said Wal- 
 ker, " I would not stand in your shoes for a 
 trifle." 
 
 " How dost thee find that out .^" enquired the 
 bookseller. 
 
 " That is my affair," replied the portrait- 
 painter, eyeing him with'a sarcastic sneer. " And 
 so you dub yourself an honest trader do you, 
 
 * James Shirley the jx»et who by turns, (like Johns 
 and Webster,) was a school-master, and writer for the 
 stage, and accordingly, as the times were peaceable or 
 turbulent pursued one or other of these occupations. 
 Some of his plays were written in the reign of King 
 James the First, but their success does not appear to 
 have been equal to their merit, until they were 
 brought forward at the Restoration, when sSir William 
 Davenant, with the aid of dresses and scenery, brought 
 them before the public, and acquired for their author, 
 a man of rare talent, both reputation and profit." 
 
 Shirley and his wife, overcome by the terror of the 
 great fire of 1666, in which their house was consumed, 
 died within twenty-four hours of each other, and v/cre 
 buried in the same grave.
 
 86 STRANGE DOINGS IN HARP ALLEY. 
 
 and a reputable citizen of London, hey ? old 
 square-toes." 
 
 " 1 11 abide the consequences," said old Wal- 
 ler, '' and that, master limner, is my affair, and 
 what then, Sir ?"" 
 
 " Why, the zvhat then is, that you are a 
 wily, rapacious^ old extortioner^ and deserve to 
 have your ears nailed to your own shop-door. 
 What tliink you brother Matt, this fair trader 
 here, holds poor Shirley's bond for thirty 
 pounds, has sold his security for eighty, and 
 lias sent him to jail, his debtor the lord knows 
 what. I wonder,*' says AYalker, •• who was 
 generous and warm hearted ? I wonder you 
 dare look an honest man in the face."" 
 
 " That is no affair of thine, Sir,"' said the 
 bookseller ; " beside which, sister Abigail's 
 attorney at law, is our joint adviser, 'tis a joint 
 affair, and I told Master Shirley, he might come 
 to terms with him the said attorney. But your 
 poets have no principle now-a-days, no, not a 
 jot ; they get into honest people's debt, and 
 never pay nobody. Besides, he hounces, and is 
 just as haughty^ and as thin skiiined forsooth,
 
 STRANGE DOINGS IN HARP ALLEY. • o/ 
 
 and talks of his being a gentleman^ as though he 
 had an estate of five hundred a year." 
 
 Then, determined to proceed witli the cata- 
 logue of his calamities, Waller resumed : "Then 
 there's that rascally jew Mordecai, comes to my 
 shop this blessed morning, and knowing that I 
 am an easy, unsuspicious, open-dealing old fool, 
 lie sells me a lot of common prayers, at his own 
 price, the remorseless rogue. And as I hope to 
 l)e saved, for I had no time to examine them — 
 Aye I in my usual way as sister Abigail justly 
 says on that score at least, I say, as I had no 
 time to examine them, took them all at his word, 
 and lo ! every copy turns out, neither more nm- 
 less than popish prayers." 
 
 '• The devil !" exclaimed Ingoldsby, " then 
 Master Mordecai has bamboozled me too, no 
 doubt. Confotind the rogue, by the lord, a 
 fellow ought to have all his eyes about him who 
 buys gospel of an Israelite,'' when feeling in his 
 pocket for the book, he began to solace himself, 
 the mad-cap, by singing 
 
 There was an old woman of Kew, 
 And her age it was four score and seven. 
 
 Who vow'd she would wed with a Jew, 
 In her way to the kingdom of Heaven :
 
 S8 STRANGE DOIXGS IN HARP ALLEV. 
 
 Say's she, I've a plenty cf gold, 
 Say's he vot a useful commodity; 
 
 Never mind though you're ugly and old, 
 I'll tip you a kiss out of charity. 
 
 Tol de rol tol de rol lol. 
 
 ' And O my dear Moses,' says she, 
 ' I hope you will never be jealous ; 
 
 For tanketing after of me. 
 Comes half a score handsome young fellows.' > 
 
 Says Moses, ' I don't care a curse, 
 I vosh always remarkably civil. 
 
 Let me only lay hold on your purse. 
 Your admirers may go to the devil.' 
 
 Tol de tol lol de rol lol. 
 
 " This is vile work though. Master Moses Mor- 
 decai, to take in the poor and needy, to diddle a 
 broken down soldier out of his silver crown.'' 
 
 " Hey ! what I and is that all, Master In- 
 goldsby. O ! then, that is no great matter, he 
 bilked me of nineteen, yea, did the villain ; but 
 I shall have hold of him, and if I do not set 
 him neck and heels in Bridewell, I am the great- 
 est sinner in all Christendom."" 
 
 " Let me see," said Ingoldgby, " Here is the 
 title page. ' The Book of Common Prayer, as
 
 STRANGE DOINGS IN HARP ALLEY. 89 
 
 appointed by the Church of England, Printed 
 and Sold by the Company of Stationers.' 
 Why, you slanderous old thief ! look you here 
 Matt Barlow e, and do you too Bob AValker ; 
 Why, 'tis as good and genuine a steeple house 
 book as ever " 
 
 '' Go on, proceed, turn over the pages, one 
 by one. Yes ! yes ! the precious rascal, he has 
 had prayer-book titles printed on purpose. 
 This stratagem it was that took me in. There 
 n]y good masters he fastened on my credulity : 
 every line, as 1 hope for salvation, is all 
 Papishtry, all Roman Catholic, as you will find. 
 That Mordecai is the very epitome of a lie." 
 
 " Why, thou senseless, impudent, falsifying 
 old slanderer, look you here, aye ! put on your 
 nose glasses and satisfy yourself. Are you not 
 ashamed and be damned to you, to vilify that 
 poor itinerant in this way.*" 
 
 " I'll make affidavit. Til swear upon the holy 
 book, that the rascal has taken me in — yes, sure 
 enough,"" examining the little copy of prayers, 
 page by page, " this all right, certainly, a 
 genuine copy : but nevertheless, he has jewed 
 me, and that is the simple fact, my good masters, 
 and pest take me, but I will trounce the villain."
 
 90 STRANGE DOINGS IN HARP ALLEY. 
 
 The old bibliopolist was ready to burst with 
 suppressed rage at the incredulity of the waggish 
 triumvirate, when strange to say, Mordecai, 
 whose industry, and general speculations seemed 
 to endue him with ubiquity, for he was to be 
 seen as it almost appeared, in twenty places at 
 the same time, made his appearance. 
 
 He wtis ushered into the painting loft, by the 
 quaker shopman of the busy sign-painter. " Do 
 you vant some prime oak panel for signs, goot 
 Master Barlowe ? some of all sort and size, well 
 seasoned, old as an hundred years, and all sound 
 and not vorm-eaten. Vill sell the lot a great 
 pargain, vorth any price, not another to be had 
 in all London, so help me God." 
 
 Old Waller fixed his little grey eyes upon the 
 Jew, like a lynx, and working his lips, and 
 wriggling like a cat, preparing to pounce upon 
 a sparrow, he sprang forth and upsetting the 
 large sign of St. Dunstan and the Devil, with 
 the colours, palettes, oil, turpentine, and the 
 whole of the painter's rattle traps, seized the 
 Jew by the throat, exclaiming, or rather scream- 
 ing, " What you damned thief, and I have 
 caught you."
 
 STRAXGE DOINGS IN HARP ALLEY. 91 
 
 Mordecai, without the least expression of fear, 
 or even surprise, grasped the hand of the book- 
 seller, saying, " I vosh desire you to keep off 
 your fingers from my neck, if you please; vot 
 vosh the matter, good Master Waller ?" at the 
 same time wresting open his knuckles with the 
 utmost ease. " Tell me vot vosh the matter 
 before these goot chentelmens." 
 
 " Thou hast robbed me of nineteen crowns, 
 thou graceless Shylock," said old Walter, his 
 face pale as a turnip, and his quivering lips as 
 blue as a bilberry. 
 
 '' I robbed you ! mine soul ! vy vot a fib. 
 Master Waller ; I vosh never rob man, voman, 
 or child since I vos a baby in arms, as I hope 
 for mercy." 
 
 " Don't perjure tliyself, thou miscreant. 
 Pray, Master Barlowe, do send your lad for a 
 constable. There, go my boy, seek a constable, 
 you will find one at the watch-house over the 
 way in the market, and I will give thee — I will 
 give thee a little book for a Christmas box.'' 
 The old skin-flint, even in his perturbation, had 
 an eye to his ready money. 
 
 " O ! very veil, let the young lad get a
 
 92 STRANGE DOINGS IN HARP ALLEY. 
 
 consh table, I shall vait here. Go mine lad, by 
 all means. Meanwhile a warrant is on foot for 
 you, iNIaster Waller ; I am sorry for your mis- 
 fortune — but, by this times, your house is all 
 down about Mistress AbigaiPs ears." 
 
 " Hey ! what do you say ! what is this, you 
 pick-pocket ?" 
 
 '' Nothing in the vorld, only, so help me God, 
 Mistress Abigail has murdered a chenteel youth 
 of the city, fractured his skull, and the appren- 
 tishes are razing the Black Eagle flat with the 
 stones."*"* 
 
 *' O I O ! — alas, alas ! and has it come to 
 this ! I thought it would some day," exclaimed 
 the bookseller ; " Master Culpeper * has fore- 
 
 * Culpeper and Lilly, the two celebrated astrologers, 
 lived by terrifying both cavallier and round-head with 
 their pretended prognostications. So superstitious 
 were the times of the civil war, that even the king, 
 andOhver Cromwell, consulted the auguries of William 
 Lilly. These impostors jointly predicted, the total 
 subversion of the law and gospel ministry. Two years 
 afterv/ards they predicted " That the law should be 
 pulled down to the ground ; the great charter, and all 
 our liberties, destroyed, as not suitable for Englishmen
 
 STRANGE D0INC4S IN HARP ALLEY. 93 
 
 boded it. O ! the fatal Restoration. He told 
 me to beware about the end of May. What 
 dost say, thou Jew, murdered ! " 
 
 '' Aye, as I hope to be shaved. The poor 
 young youth is as tead as mutton — gone to the 
 bone-house on a shop-sliutter ; and Mistress 
 Abigail, the vicked woman, it ish very pitiful, 
 and I vosh grieved at mine heart ; she is now in 
 her lodgings at Newgate."" 
 
 " Hey ! — and what the deuce is the matter 
 with you^ Charles t " said Barlowe, to one of 
 his apprentices, who just entered with his head 
 bound up in a blood-stained handkerchief, no 
 uncommon occurrence with him ; he had been 
 dispatched on an errand. 
 
 " I have just got a bit of a scratch on my 
 
 johbeinioicl, that is all, master, in a scuffle, by St. 
 
 PauPs ; not that T have had any hand in the 
 
 rumpus — I was only a looker-on. They arc 
 
 pulling down the Black Eagle, and that old 
 
 in these blessed times ; that the crab-tree of the law 
 should be pulled up by the roots, there being no reason 
 now we should be governed by them."
 
 94 STRANGE DOINGS IN HARP ALLEY. 
 
 pre^byterian, Mother Damnable a.^ she is called, 
 is going to kick her heels in Newgate." Charles 
 was a strapping fellow, and a notable hand at a 
 street riot ; but knowing his master was up to 
 his ears in business, he was very diligent, and 
 one of the best apprentices in London, as times 
 went, for the greater number of them were in- 
 corrigibly wicked. 
 
 The bookseller now forgot his nineteen crowns, 
 and the Jew stole off with his panels; when, 
 clasping his hands, old Waller exclaimed, " the 
 Lords will be done ! if she has perpetrated this 
 mischief, why the law must take its course. 
 What — how — tell me, young man. What are 
 the circumstances of this calamitous affair. 
 Heigh-ho ! 1 shall certainly lose my mortal 
 senses." 
 
 " Why, Sir," said the apprentice, " by what 
 I could learn, she shied a Roman Catholic Bible 
 at a young man's head, and has done for him, 
 that is all. I did not see him myself, but the 
 blood is on the stones, I suppose half a pail-full 
 at least." 
 
 " And they are pulling down the house 1 O 
 Lord ! the old Black Eagle. Alas! alack-a-day I"
 
 STRANGE DOINGS IN HARP ALLEY. 95 
 
 *' I don t know as for that,'' said Charles, 
 who was a lad of veracity ; " I know this, that 
 they have smashed in the whole of the shop 
 front, window-frames and all, for I w^as present 
 in the thick of it.'' 
 
 " O I you w^ere, were you,'" said the wily old 
 Waller, grinning maliciously; " then, you 
 rascal, I'll have you hang'd. A ringleader, I'll 
 be sworn. I'll come on the City-chamber for 
 damages. And I give you notice hereby, 
 gentlemen, I shall subpoena you all as witnesses, 
 in evidence of this rogue's confession. I know 
 thee of old, young scape-gallows. I am 
 sorry for you, Master Barlowe, but it behoves 
 all masters to keep their 'prentices at home in 
 times like these. So thou must look to it, and 
 abide all consequences ; " on saying of which 
 he took himself off, muttering all the way down, 
 " Yea ! trust me^ Master Barlowe, but I will 
 seek swingeing compensation ; aye that I will, 
 if there be any such thing as law in the land." 
 
 As soon as the bibliopolist had departed, 
 Barlowe, with a searching look, enquired, 
 " Charles, have you had any concern in this 
 rumpus ? Now answer me truly. I trust to
 
 96 STRANGE DOINGS IN HARP ALLEY. 
 
 your candour, for this may tui*n out a serious 
 affair.*' 
 
 '• I have not, master ; I told you so before," 
 reddening, a Httle affronted, the high-spirited 
 chap, at having his word doubted ; " I was only 
 a spectator^ master, and getting myself jammed 
 in the crowd, got a scratch or two, (the blood 
 Mas then trickling from the wounds,) from a 
 dead cat, with a brick-bat tied to her tail, which 
 they were dinging in at the sho]) door, when 
 lending the fellow who threw it a clout o' the 
 ear, for he was but a hobbyty-hoy, I got clean 
 out of the fray, and came straight home." 
 
 " I am satisfied,'' said the master, " you 
 have acted discreetly, Charles, and you are a 
 good fellow. So get you gone, you careless 
 logue, and get your broken pate looked to." 
 
 " What dauntless chaps these London 
 ^prentices are," said Ingoldsby, as soon as 
 Charles's back was turned ; " I shall never 
 forget their charge on the king's troops, at 
 Naseby, under that old file Dick Skippon. * My 
 
 * Major Skippon, a soldier of fortune, one of those 
 extraordinary men who have' been made by the cir-
 
 STRANGE DOINGS IN HARP ALLEY. 97 
 
 bloody boots and spurs ! how they laid it on ; — 
 
 cumstances of such times as these, which, however 
 they may be deplored, have brought genius and talent 
 to light, which might have remained in obscurity. 
 This Skippon bad been a common soldier, and served 
 in Holland. He was very illiterate, but had by nature 
 that species of address which inspired his followers 
 with confidence. He was appointed to form that corps, 
 chiefly composed of city apprentices, he led to the field 
 to join the Earl of Essex. The joining of these newly- 
 raised forces, was fatal to the king for they fought 
 with such bravery and resolution at the battle of 
 Newberry, that they preserved the army of Essex. 
 Skippon thus addressed his train bands: — 
 *' Come, my boys, my brave boys, let us pray 
 heartily, and fight heartily ; I will run the same for- 
 tune and hazards with you. Remember the cause is 
 for God, and for the defence of yourselves, your wives 
 and children. Come, my honest brave boys, pray 
 heartily, duxdi fight heartily, and God will bless you." 
 
 To encrease these forces to the utmost of their 
 power, the city apprentices were encouraged to enlist 
 by an ordinance of parliament, which delivered them 
 from the authority of their masters, who were com- 
 manded to receive them on their return, and disband*- 
 ing from military service, with a clause to indemnify 
 
 VOL. I. F
 
 98 STRANGE DOINGS IN HARP ALLEY. 
 
 and who'd have thought it of such raw ones 
 
 the said masters from the damages they might sustain 
 by their apprentices' absence. 
 
 The Lord Say and Seal, at a meeting at Guildhall, 
 thus invoked the citizens to take up arms for the par- 
 liament : — " This is now not a time for men to think 
 with themselves that they will be in their shops to get 
 a little money. This is a time to do that in common 
 dangers ; let every man take his weapon in his hand, 
 let him offer himself willingly to serve his God, and to 
 maintain his true religion. You may remember what 
 God saith by the prophet, ' My heart is set upon those 
 people that are vjilling to offer themselves willingly upon 
 the high places,^ Let every man therefore shut up his 
 shop ; let him take his musket, let bim offer himself 
 readily and willingly ; let him not think with himself, 
 ' Who shall pay me ? ' but rather think this, ' I will 
 come forth to save the kingdom, to serve my God,' &c. 
 
 ** Do as you do in common dangers. When there 
 is a fire, men ask not who shall pay him for his day's 
 wages, but every man cometh forth of his doors, helps 
 to quench the fire, brings a bucket if he have one, 
 borrows one of his neighbour if he have not ; when 
 the fire is quenched then the city will regard to repair 
 any man that hath suflfered all day: That do you, 
 every one bring forth his arms if he have it, or borrow
 
 STRANGE DOINGS IN HARP ALLEY. 99 
 
 the Straight-haired nincompoops ! * fellows, and 
 be damnd to them, that had been wont to 
 
 of his neighbour ; or he shall be armed by the state. 
 Let every man arm himself and his apprentices, and 
 come forth with boldness, and with courage, and with 
 cheerfulness, and doubt not but God will assist you." 
 
 It was the City Train Bands, that corps chiefly com- 
 posed of city apprentices, which has since been the butt 
 for the unceasing wit and ridicule of poet and painter, 
 scribbler and caricaturist, whose determined bravery, 
 under the parliamentary standard, discomfited the 
 royal armies, and principally served to determine the 
 fate of the cruel war. 
 
 * " Made taylors' 'prentices turn heroes, 
 For fear of being transformed to Meroz ; 
 And rather forfeit their indentures 
 Than not espouse the Saints' adventures." 
 
 Hqdibeas. 
 
 The rebellious preachers were wont to sound often 
 in the ears of the people, to make them imagine they 
 should fall under a grievous curse, if they, as many at 
 least who were tit to make soldiers, did not list in the 
 parliament army, to fight what these hypocritical rebels 
 called. The Lord's battles against the mighty; that 
 was, the king and all his friends. This text, Judges 
 r. 28. Curse ye Meroz, said the angel of the Lord; 
 F 2
 
 100 STRANGE DOIXGS I?f HARP ALLEY. 
 
 trundle a rolling-pin instead of trailing a pike ; 
 deputy venders of Spitalfields ribbons and pins 
 — measurers of an ell of calimanco — quill-drivers, 
 pepperers, and sugar-bag pasters ; but, Lord ! 
 how they peppered away, and carried all before 
 them ! "" 
 
 " I rode past old Cromwell, and by G — d 
 his nose was as a flaming meteor. ' Forward, 
 my babes of grace,' said he ; ' forward, my 
 darling Londoners. For God and the city. 
 The arm of the Lord is with us;' and spurring 
 his strawberry chargerj spanked on pell-mell 
 over 'every thing, like one of the old yeomen 
 prickers. Lord what a day, INIatt ! I'll be 
 sworn he rode down half a score of the king's 
 heavy troopers at least, and his cuirass v% as as 
 bloody as a chopping-block. It appears now all 
 
 curse ye bitterly the inhabitants thereof; because they 
 came not to the help of the Lord against the mighty.'' 
 
 " Then curse ye Meroz, in each pulpit did thunder^ '\ 
 
 To perplex the poor people, and keep them in zvonder, > 
 
 Till all the reins of government were quite broken asunder.''' J 
 
 ( Vide The Rump serv'd up with a grand Sallet.) 
 
 Loyal Songs.
 
 STRANGE DOINGS IN HARP ALLEY. 101 
 
 as a dream. Ah, Matt, how many prime fellows 
 dug their early graves under their own feet that 
 day : noble cocks on both sides ! "^ 
 
 *• Did it never turn your heart sick, to listen 
 to the word of command on the side of the 
 enemy, in our own mother tongue, Ingoldsby ? 
 you, who had seen foreign service," enquired 
 Walker. 
 
 " For God's sake let that alone," replied the 
 soldier. " Yes, it turns my heart into my 
 midriff to think of it. Many an old acquaint- 
 ance met, with deadly determination that day, 
 and rid away on sudden recognition, aye, even 
 at a horse's length ! Fatal necessity ! I am 
 thankful 'tis all over. If brother zcill arm 
 against brother, let it never happen on earth 
 again ; better go to hell at once, and settle the 
 business, with the devil as umpire.'' 
 
 '• Be it so," said Barlowe, " for there is i>j> 
 appeal to the justice of men in civil broils." 
 
 '' All which being said and done," said 
 Walker, " now. Master Ingoldsby, do now be 
 >.o civil as to make us a face, or we shall never 
 finish the sign." 
 
 The prankish colonel had an extraordinary
 
 J 02 STRANGE DOINGS IN HARP ALLEY. 
 
 faculty, namely, that of altering his visage to 
 resemble that of another. Once at the mess, in 
 Oliver Cromwell's quarters, wh^n he commanded 
 the horse near the city of York, Oliver, who 
 malgre his canting and seeking the Lord, had 
 occasional freaks of comical humour, which 
 would have qualified him for a merry Andrew^ 
 " Come," said he, " Master Dickey, give us 
 your picture gallery ;" when, strange to say, 
 such was the flexibility of his facial muscles, 
 and such his memory, that he could make his 
 phiz up, a Harry Tudor, a Sir Thomas More, 
 an Erasmus, a Philip of Spain, and other well- 
 known portraits hanging on the walls at White- 
 hall and Hampton Court, and with such identity 
 of expression and character, that Oliver had been 
 known to laugh till he cried again. " Thou 
 droll dog, my own cousin Dick,'' said he one 
 day, " were I king of England, I'd give thee a 
 notable pension, and make thee ^Squire Jocu- 
 lorum of my three kingdoms." 
 
 He was moreover a delectable mimic of Praise- 
 God-Barebones, and Hugh Peters ; and as for 
 old Barrister Prynne's starched phiz, he could 
 screw it up to the very letter. His humour was
 
 STRANGE DOINGS IN HARP ALLEY. 103 
 
 irresistible, inasmuch as there was a story of his 
 having tickled into risibility the staid features of 
 Mistress Abitha Needham, the preaching ana- 
 baptist of Bow Brickhill. So, taking out his 
 little pocket-book camp mirror, by which he 
 shaved on service, and burning a cork on Bar- 
 lowe's German stove, he strengthened the crows- 
 feet on his own phiz, and screwed his features 
 into the desired prototype. Walker set to with 
 his painting to^> and using asplialtum and copal^ 
 finished the group of St. Dunstan and the Devil. 
 
 " I'faith ! " exclaimed Barlowe, " that's the 
 mark, brother Robert,"" with an encouraging 
 slap on the shoulder. " I think mine host will 
 chuckle at this. What think you Walker, will 
 the old tapster come down a supper for the 
 party ? " 
 
 " One thing I'll be sworn, brother Matt," re- 
 plied Walker, " if he does not, mine hostess 
 will, for she cordially hates old Prynne, and all 
 the saintly crew ; and dame Johnson is not lack- 
 ing of spirit."'' 
 
 This proposition, however, was merely idle 
 talk, for no good fellows in town spent their 
 cash more freely than all the friendly triumvi-
 
 104 STRANGE DOINGS IN HARP ALLEY. 
 
 rate. Walker had been the Lord Protector's 
 limner, and had, until lately, been much em- 
 ployed. " Painters need never trouble their 
 noddles with politics," said Walker ; and he 
 steered his course, like old Vandevelde, pro- 
 tected alike from the thunder of all parties. 
 For, as Barlowe used to say, " Brother Bob's 
 heart is in the right place, and his purse is open 
 to rcnmd head and cavalier alike, so that the 
 client be worthy." 
 
 The sign being completed, it was carefully 
 dispatched to mine host, guarded by slips of 
 deal nailed in front, fresh from the easel, ready 
 to be exalted on the coming day, accompanied 
 Avith a peremptory message that it should not be 
 opened until Walker came down to mine host at 
 liight, for it was determined by the party to go 
 to the Devil to supper. 
 
 Meanwhile old Walter Waller trudged home, 
 interrupted every ten yards by some d — d good- 
 natured friend, to acquaint him of his mis- 
 fortune. The propagators, however, were not 
 upon oath, for the old griping bibliopolist was 
 the scorn and hatred of all the neighbourhood. 
 The shopkeepers, looking over their lialf-doors.
 
 STRANGE DOINGS IN HARP ALLEY. 105 
 
 all the May up Ludgate hill, had a wipe at him. 
 *' So, sister Abigail has made a notable morn- 
 ing's work of it, Master Waller,*" said one. 
 *' Any common prayers to sell ? " said another, 
 in mockery. " How goes debentures to-day.^ " 
 tried a third ; this was a cutting question for the 
 old bibliopolist, who had been a scandalous 
 dealer in these securities, for which he had been 
 "' hauled over the coals.''' The heartless old 
 -lumcks ran the gauntlet all the way home. Even 
 the begging prisoners, from the grated window of 
 Ludgate, assailed him with, " There goes the 
 old extortioner ! ""' ^Yhen, instead of finding his 
 house entirely demolished, as he had been led to 
 suppose, he found a guard of soldiers at the 
 door, and his intrepid sister Abigail at the open 
 casement over the shop, which had not a square 
 of glass a-whole, defending lierself against the 
 reproaches of the mob, with that invincible 
 weapon a virago's tongue. 
 
 Old Waller, elbowing his way through the 
 crowd, planted liimself right before his shop, 
 putting on his nose-glasses, and measuring the 
 amount of the damage ; when, observing his co- 
 partner thus exposed, and witnessing the contro- 
 F 3
 
 106 STRANGE DOINGS IN HARP ALLEY. 
 
 versy, he called out, " Depart from the window, 
 sister Abigail. What, in the name of the Lord, 
 hast thee been doing, sister Abigail ? " 
 
 " Doing ! " eclioed the remorseless Independ- 
 ent, " doing of that mischief to another un- 
 wittingly which I intended should have 'lighted 
 on thy head, thou apostate. This curse is 
 brought upon thy dwelling place by thy profane 
 dealings with that blaspheming Jew."" 
 
 " Sayest thou so, Abigail ? O ! O ! * Now 
 take you notice of this, good people, neighbours 
 and friends. Old Burton^ Prynne, and Bast- 
 wick have put this mischief into her head. — 
 ril swear the peace against thee, sister Abigail. 
 Hey ! what will nothing suffice thy fanatical 
 wrath but the blood of thy brother ! thy tender, 
 kind, forbearing brother ? '" 
 
 " Out ! thou hypocrite ! thou slinking, double- 
 faced apostate."" 
 
 " Church and king, old Jesabel," cried the 
 apprentices. 
 
 " Confusion to the church, a hatchet for the 
 king, and a Iialtcr for all city apprentices," re- 
 torted Abigail, nothing daunted at the taunts of 
 the populace.
 
 STRANGE DOINGS IN HARP ALLEY. 107 
 
 '• Treason ! treason ! " vociferated the mob. 
 " Treason, you old beldam." 
 
 " Take notice, good people, friends, and 
 neighbours," bawled old Waller, " take notice, 
 these arc no sentiments of mine." 
 
 " Thou liest, thou hypocrite ! " exclaimed 
 Abigail, " thou knowest thou art a traitor at 
 heart ; thou Judas, thou betrayer, him called 
 Iscariot. Out upon thee ! vile turn-coat, thou 
 time-server ; any thing to get thy own neck out 
 of the halter." 
 
 " I 11 tell thee what, sister Abigail, if thou 
 dost not put a guard on thy dangerous tongue, 
 thou wilt get thy neck into a halter. Refrain, 
 refrain, i\bigaii; see, our house, the house of 
 our father, is beset — only kept from rack and 
 ruin, through thy evil temper, by military force. 
 Depart from the window : and do you, good 
 people ; I conjure you to begone — depart. I 
 prythee depart : now pr'ythee disperse quietly,'' 
 pressing his extended arms, with a sort of civil 
 force, upon the front of the mob. " Now do 
 depart, for this is a dangerous breach of the 
 peace, and I would fain that no farther mischief 
 ensues."
 
 108 STRANGE DOINGS Ix\ HARP ALLEY. 
 
 "• A murrain take the military,**" exclaimed 
 the em-aged fanatic, stretching her neck out at 
 the window. " I command y«u, hireling 
 soldier-men, to depart; h need none of your 
 protection. Depart, ye caterpillars, ye profane 
 men of war. Go — depart — and guzzle and hail 
 your satyr-faced sot of a king."" 
 
 " Hear, hear ! "' cried the city apprentices ; 
 " down, down with the house. Come out, you 
 traitorous old hag ; come out with you :" and a 
 simultaneous advance was made towards the 
 premises, when old Waller, rushing up to his 
 steps, cried, " Soldiers, if they attempt violence, 
 do you do your duty." 
 
 " Let them come on, the brawlers," voci- 
 ferated mistress Abigail, opening her arras, and 
 turning up the whites of her eyes, and working 
 lierself up to the high pitch of puritanical 
 phrenzy, as if she felt herself inspired ; when, 
 in the cant of the conventicle, with a nasal 
 twang, mixed with the shriek of a peacock, she 
 l)egan: " ' Balakthe king of Moab, hath brought 
 me from Aram out of the mouiita'ms of the East, 
 paying, Come curse me Jacobs and come defy me 
 hrael: "
 
 STRANGE DOINGS IN HARP ALLEY. 109 
 
 " Hoo-ho-o-o; hah-a-a/' shouted the popu- 
 lace. " Hear tlie old blasphemer ; she is call- 
 ing curses on us all. Away, you old murderess.*' 
 They would not hear her out. 
 
 Old Waller, according to the custom of the 
 times, could string texts together too, he having 
 formerly been a holder forth in a conventicle : 
 he therefore answered Abigail from the same 
 book : — '• ' Therefore nozc Jlee thou to thy place : 
 I thought to promote thee unto great honour^ hut 
 lo! the Lord hath kept thee back from Jwuour.' 
 Now pr'ythee, sister Abigail, do shut the case- 
 ment, or we shall have the house pulled down 
 about our ears." 
 
 To this appeal Abigail retorted with scorn, — 
 *• ' Titer e are six cities shcdl be a refuge both for 
 t/ie children of Israel, and for the stranger, and 
 for the sojourner among them : that every one 
 t/iat Icilleth another unawares may Jlee thither^ 
 Further it is said, ' But 'if he thrust him of 
 hatred, or hurl at him by laying xoait, that he 
 die ' " 
 
 " Hooo-o-o; away, you murderess.'' 
 
 " • Or in enmity smite him uith his hand, that
 
 110 STR^XGE DOINGS IN HARP ALLEY. 
 
 he die ; he that svwte him shall surely he put to 
 death y for he is a murderer.'' " 
 
 " Hear her, hear her. Go on, old mother 
 damnable.'" 
 
 " * But if he thrust him, suddenly without 
 enmity, or have cast upon him any thing without 
 laying of wait ; 
 
 ^' ' Or with any stone whe?'ewith a man may 
 diCy seeing him not^ and cast it upon him that he 
 die, and zcas not his enemy, neither sought him 
 harm : 
 
 " ' Then the congregation shall judge between 
 the slayer and revenger of blood, accordijig to 
 tlicse judgments .' " 
 
 " Get ye gone away frae the window with ye, 
 ye causuistical canting auld scauld," said a grave- 
 looking old Scotchman, a Royalist, one of Mon- 
 trose's troopers. " Are ye not ashamed to 
 brazen it oot there, and to torture the word o' 
 God in justification of your villanies .^^ God 
 help the late gude King Charles, and be prosper- 
 ous till his son, for the Deel of Hell himsel was 
 was no match for ye Independents. What ! ye 
 auld Jezabel ! thmk you we be all o' sic twilight
 
 STRANGE DOINGS IN HARP ALLEY. Ill 
 
 understanding, not to ken the especial difference 
 betwext a monslaughter without malice prepense, 
 and knocking oot the brains of one, only with 
 the vengeance which is hurled with intention to 
 commit murther on another. Aw the crimes 
 which have cursed this land for mony years in 
 these late unhappy wars, have aw been kept 
 alive by a wacked perversion of the holy scrip- 
 tures, and bending them till sinister purposes. 
 Gin it were that ye are not a woman, you 
 should not stand preaching there, I'd walk up 
 stairs, and take 3^e by the lugs and ge you up to 
 the injured law mysel." 
 
 " I dare thee, sjnte of my sex, thou lousy 
 hireling Scot ! What, thou art one o' the 
 naked * * * * gang, that sold the king — 
 tramped it hither to receive thy wages," taking 
 from her pocket, and counting out some half- 
 pence, and throwing them amidst the crowd. 
 " Here, ' give the rogue a groat.' Go hide thy 
 beggarly ,'bag-piping face. Art thou not ashamed 
 to appear in this Christian city ? AVhat ! thou 
 art waiting to make a market of rake-shame, his 
 profligate son and heir, hey ! Sell another king 
 for a groat, hey ! away with thee : off sawney
 
 112 STRANGE DOINGS IN IIAllP ALLEY. 
 
 trooper, troop it back to the north, and make a 
 scrubbing post o' thy father's gibbet.'"' 
 
 *' Weel, weel I thy scornfu tongue is no 
 slander. I'll ha' none o' the sin o' my shoulders, 
 I advise ye not to falsify the word o' God 
 though, or not one rack o' your home will mark 
 the spot o' your wackedness til-morrow." Then 
 turning to the enraged apprentices, who were 
 impatient for a renewal of the riot. " Let the 
 auld sinner alone my young gallants. She is 
 doubtless urged on by the evil one to Avork more 
 mischief belike, on some o' your heads. Leave 
 her till the laws o' the land ! the peace officers 
 will lay their clutches on her just noo, and she 
 will receive her wages too, the full arrears due 
 till her iniquity." 
 
 At this instant, a sudden movement of the 
 crowd, diverted the general attention from the 
 matchless Mistress Abigail. Tt appeared that 
 the young man's wound had been examined by 
 the surgeons, and fears were entertained touch- 
 ing his recovery. 
 
 No sooner was this made known to the appren- 
 tices, than there was a simultaneous exclamation 
 of, " Bring forth the murderess — Down witli
 
 STRANGE DOINGS IN HARP ALLEV. 113 
 
 the house!" and a revival of the riot com- 
 menced ; when one of the city niarshalls, and a 
 posse of constables, made their way to the door 
 of the Black Eagle, under a shower of stones, 
 brick-bats, and such missiles as were at hand. 
 The soldiers had enough to do with tlieir 
 pikes, to keep off the hot-headed youths, from 
 entering the premises, to take vengeance on the 
 remorseless virago. 
 
 " O oot, oot ! Forbear ye, forbear ye, my 
 gallants," cried the veteran Scot, * who forced 
 
 * The old Scotch trooper fared better than Captain 
 Hyde the royalist in the beginning of the troubles : 
 for even before the parliament had opposed the king 
 in the field, so formidable were the apprentices of 
 London, that they petitioned the king against the 
 bishops, and assembling in a riotous manner, pro- 
 ceeded to Westminster, crying, " no bishops — no 
 bishops." This so irritated the Bishop of Lincoln, 
 who was then passing to the house, that he seized one 
 of the most active of the mob. The others, however, 
 on rescuing their comrade, laid not violent hands on 
 him, but followed still crying, " no bishops — no 
 popish lords ;" when Captain Hyde, with some few 
 friends, roused to indignation on witnessing this insult
 
 1 1 4 STRANGE DOINGS IN HARP ALLEY. 
 
 his way up the steps to the threshold ; " Do 
 not forget yourselves ye bould apprentices ; lay 
 not violent hands on a woman, theof she be na 
 worthy o^ the sax. An she were a mon, though 
 he were Beelzebub himsel, I would gang all 
 lengths with the youngest amongst ye. Be 
 sober, be sober my chaps, leave the auld Jezabel 
 till the laws I say ; and I tell ye all, 'gin that ye 
 be fond o' sights ; wait ye just noo a little, and 
 she'll hang o' the gallows. Aye ! and her 
 waked corse will fill the grave o"* a murdress. 
 There now, baud ye back, baud ye back, my 
 bonny chaps : what wou'd ye have more, nor to 
 see her go till be hanged on a hurdle, at Ty- 
 burn-tree ?" 
 
 " I have a warrant here. Master AValler, for 
 your sister Mistress Abigail," said the mar- 
 shal's man, putting on a serious face. " I am 
 
 upon a dignitary of the church, with more resolution 
 than prudence drew his sword, threatening to cut the 
 throats of the " roundheaded dogs.^^ On saying which 
 he was seized by the apprentices, and carried before the 
 House of Commons, who not only immediately com- 
 mitted the captain to prison, but rendered him inca- 
 pable of serving his Majesty after.
 
 STRANGE DOINGS IN HARP ALLEY. 115 
 
 concerned for you, Sir, but I must do my 
 duty." Old Waller was then on the stair-head, 
 close by the virago. 
 
 " I shall not take upon myself to oppose thy 
 legal authority, friend. It is bailable, I dare be 
 sworn," said Waller, " Lord have mercy upon 
 us, what a notable business thou hast made on't, 
 sister Abigail. Heigh-ho ! Ah !"" putting on 
 his nose glasses, and examining the warrant, 
 " 'tis a grievous document, and will be attended 
 with ruinous expenses. Til warrant me. Heigh- 
 ho ! the Lord preserve me, yes ! a pretty piece 
 of business forsooth. This comes of your 
 accursed temper, sister Abigail."" 
 
 '' Hear that penurious apostate, hear the 
 wretch," said his contemptuous co-partner. 
 " This is language fitting a new fangled church- 
 man, and a yesterday royalist. The royal for- 
 nicator will get mighty service I wot, from sucli 
 sneaking, cowardly, worldly minded upholders.' 
 
 The mouths of the Puritans of both sexes, 
 were full of opprobrious epithets against the im- 
 morality of the king, on the approach of the 
 Restoration. Nothing could equal the vulgarity 
 and want of delicate sentiment, amongst the
 
 116 STRANGE DOINGS IN HARP ALLEY. 
 
 saints, in giving utterance to their spleen against 
 the royal party : unless indeed it was tlie licen- 
 tious songs and lampoons of the cavaliers, who, 
 however, affected neither sanctity, morality, nor 
 common decency on their part. The language 
 of scripture was too often inseparable with that 
 of Billingsgate, even in the conventicle, and all 
 the unclean phraseology of biblical history, was 
 collected, to charge the fanatical denunciations, 
 fulminated from the pulpit, against the members 
 of the church. 
 
 Old Waller's teeth chattered, for he was mar- 
 velously agitated, as Mistress iVbigail put on her 
 black velvet hood, and Mother Shipton's hat to 
 attend the officers of police " I reckon there 
 will be no immediate necessity for hii'eing council, 
 in the present state of the business,'" snuffled old 
 Waller to the marshal-man ; " for, if so be, the 
 young man recovers, why in that case you see, 
 then, thatexpence will be saved : for I calculate, 
 that this untoward affair will cost a world of mo- 
 ney : ten pounds at least, and I suppose, as usual, 
 I shall be called upon for my part ; not that I am 
 party to the accident, no more than you. Ah I 
 go it is. O ! Lord, Lord ! this is ever the way !
 
 STRANGE DOINGS IN HARP ALLEY. 117- 
 
 Toiling and sweating, and worrying and fretting, 
 together with losses, and crosses. A murrain 
 on your froward tongue ! O Lord ! Lord ! — 
 and after all for what ? Heigh ho ! Man is 
 born to trouble, as the ?parks fly upwards." 
 
 Such were the murmurings of this thankless 
 old huncks, though it v»as notoriously known 
 that he had a rent roll of twelve hundred pounds 
 from sequestered estates ; besides bonds, army 
 debentures, and mortgages, to a still greater 
 amount : and Abigail was still more wealthy 
 than he. 
 
 Attired all in black velvet, Mrs. Abigail ap- 
 peared ready to depart. " Out of my way, 
 sneaking apostate," said she to her brother, 
 who was glad to escape attendance on his 
 partner. " Officer, do your duty," she added ; 
 so taking Fox's folio Book of Martyrs under 
 her left arm, and a staff in her right hand, she 
 walked down stairs with a firm step ; and, with 
 an undaunted gait, she left the door of the 
 Black Eagle, on her way to his worship in 
 Guildhall. 
 
 The mob set up a shout and a yell at her 
 appearance, which was preternaturally terrible ;
 
 lis STRANGE DOINGS IN HARP ALLEY. 
 
 and as she passed by the Chapter-house, the 
 stoutest of the apprentices cleared the way for 
 her. 
 
 " Gude Lord save us ! " exclaimed the old 
 Scottish trooper ; "I never beheld so unco she 
 creature of the human species. It looks like the 
 sign o' the Eagle enlarged, and walking forth 
 till mischief and destruction. All in sable too ! 
 Mercy on us I an' it were not presumptuous, 
 she looks a seemly spouse for Beelzebub. Meg 
 Gourlay, that cruel step-mother of the urchin 
 chimney-sweepers, who drew Sir Ogilvie's bull 
 clean oot o' the peat-bog by the horns, is a wee 
 bit shrimpen thing to her. Her naked neck has 
 more o' the vulture nor the eagle though ; and 
 even gipsey Ailie o' the moor, who was whipped 
 for carrying off the wharfinger's mill-stones on 
 her back, was nae so big o' the arm, neither so 
 spacious o"* the shoulders. Nae, mon, never till 
 yet beheld such a gigantic fury. She canna be 
 less in stature nalong Mago' Wastminster, that 
 lays entombed in the cloisters."" 
 
 She had not proceeded far, however, ere the 
 mob began to revile and abuse the remorseless 
 culprit. " There's a pattern of a saint," said
 
 STRANGE DOINGS IN HARP ALLEY. \\9 
 
 one. " How meek," said another; " going to 
 a match at cjuarter-staiF with Gog in Guildhall."" 
 " Where's your old lop-eared councellor 
 Prynne ? " cried another. " Sell yourself to 
 the Devil, and cheat old Dun of his fees," 
 bawled a fellow from a dust-cart. " Pull off 
 your mourning, and put on your winding-sheet, 
 you old murderess," screamed a fish- woman. 
 And as soon as she had turned the corner of 
 King-street, in view of Guildhall, there was a 
 general cry of — " Make room for the old dragon 
 of St. Paul's." But, strange to relate, the old 
 fanatic appeared totally regardless of these re- 
 proaches ; she seemed rather to be wrapt in 
 meditation, affecting the calmness and fortitude 
 of a martyr, on her way to suffer for righteous- 
 ness sake : when ascending the steps of the hall- 
 gate, she cried with a loud voice—" ' / was not 
 rebellious, neither turned away my hack.'''" 
 
 '^ Out, you old extortioner, who riz the coals 
 and starved the poor, ' screamed a basket- 
 woman from Honey-lane ^larket ; a reproach 
 not groundless, as it affected her and Master 
 Waller. 
 
 *' ' I gave my hack to the smiters^ and my
 
 120 STRANGE DOINGS IN HARP ALLEY. 
 
 cheek to them.' '' Here tlie yell was so loud and 
 lasting she could not be h.eard ; but, exalting 
 her voice, she was at times audible. " ' There- 
 fore I shall not be confounded : therefore have I 
 set my face like ajl'int, and I hnoic I shall not be 
 ashamed,' ' ' 
 
 " Hear her — hear her ; hear old mother 
 damnable. A flint ! O you flinty-hearted " 
 
 " Hauci, baud your sinfu* tongue. Shame, 
 shame o' you ! obdurate daughter o' the evil 
 one ! Turn ye back, turn ye back, ye city 
 youth. Depart ye hence, ye gude people, ye 
 that fear the Lord," exclaimed the pious 
 soldier ; " for never did the mouth of the wilfu' 
 scorner so loudly profane the word, the like till 
 this wofu' wicked woman." 
 
 This procession was only one of the ten 
 thousand extravagant farces of the times. The 
 mob were determined to rush into the hall, and the 
 constables appeared equally determined to pre- 
 vent them by force. What mischief might have 
 ensued, no one can tell, had not the announce- 
 ment of another sort of dramatic exhibition, 
 suddenly diverted the attention of the enraged 
 populace, a confused noise of clarinets, huzzaing
 
 STRANGE DOINGS IN HARP ALLEY. 1 2 I 
 
 and drurris, was heard from Cheapsidc, when a 
 simultaneous cry pronounced, " the king — the 
 king is coming." Away they went, man, woman 
 and child, gentle and simple, shouting " church 
 and king,"' as though they were all suddenly 
 bereft of their wits : it was the devil take the 
 hindmost. Helter skelter, never was seen such 
 a living torrent, bearing down all before it : 
 upsetting stalls and benches, carpenters, and all 
 the preparations for the morrow's sight. 
 " There ! there he is ! look — look," down came 
 part of the scaffold, and over went a long 
 caravan filled with lamps for illuminating the 
 front of Guild-hall : never was heard so tre- 
 mendous a jingling and crash. This gave a new 
 impulse to the general rush, and shrieks, oaths, 
 and laughter, were mixed up with the shouts of 
 church and king. " O ! look at the flags and 
 streamers,"*' and " O hear the trumpets and 
 drums !" Though as it will appear, the deuce a 
 trumpeter was there. " Look, look— there is 
 the king in armour, huzza-huzza-a-a-a !" ex- 
 claimed a thousand voices, and the passing 
 throng, forming the main stream of Cheapside, 
 was turned like a whirlpool, by the confluence 
 
 VOL. I. G
 
 122 STRANGE DOINGS IN flARP ALLEY. 
 
 of the rushing apprentices, pouring in from 
 ping- street ; when lo ! the cavalcade which ex- 
 cited this joyous hurly-burly, was composed of 
 Sir William Davenant's* company of players, 
 
 * Sir William Davenant, to whose taste, persever- 
 ance and liberality, the stage owes the highest obliga- 
 tions, in common with his ingenious compeers, led a 
 life chequered by various fortunes. He was the son 
 of John Davenant, who kept the Crown Inn, at 
 Oxford, celebrated as the halting place of Shakspeare, 
 in his journies to and from London to Stratford. The 
 great bard is said to have had a great esteem and 
 personal regard for the host and hostess of the Crown, 
 and was godfather to the son, and from him derived 
 his christian name, William. 
 
 Soon after the Restoration, Davenant was appointed 
 manager of the Duke of York's company of Come- 
 dians, a compliment which he received for his loyalty, 
 constancy, and bravery in the late king's army, for 
 which he was knighted on the field. Davenant first 
 introduced scenery, and other splendid decorations on 
 the stage. He procured scene painters in France, and 
 the first dramatic exhibition after the Restoration, was 
 entitled The Siege of Rhodes, a sort of Opera, written 
 by himself, which was performed at the theatre in 
 Lincoln's-Inn-Fields.
 
 STRANGE DOINGS IN HARP ALLEY. 123 
 
 sonic in a long car, decorated with stage finery, 
 with Harry the Black Prince, in ghtteri^pg 
 play-house armour, and high ostrich phimes, 
 mine ancient Pistol, and other distinguished 
 characters of Shakspeare's drama, on their way 
 to the Devil Tavern, preparatory to their exhibi- 
 tion on the balcony, on the day of the Restora- 
 tion. 
 
 Old Mother Damnable became at once a dead 
 letter. Any thing by way of novelty, but this 
 was a " sight of sights." All the fun and frolic 
 that had been so long bottled up by a puritani- 
 cal law, seemed at once to be drawn by this 
 dramatic cork-screw, or rather, it might be said 
 to force the cork, and out it popped, with a 
 merry explosion, which filled the streets of 
 London with joy. 
 
 The crowd thickened, the horses were scared, 
 
 " The Siege of Rhodes,"" made a representation by 
 the art oi perspective in Scenes, and the story sung in 
 recitative music. This had been performed four years 
 before, either by stealth, or by the connivance of the 
 ruling powers, at the back part of Rutland- house, at 
 the upper end of Aldersgate-street. 
 
 G 2
 
 124 STRANGE DOINGS IN HARP ALLEY. 
 
 they reared, snorted, plunged, and kicked at the 
 shouting and confusion ; there was no getting 
 on. The black Prince hccamQ white as a sheep ; 
 inerry old FalstafF looked grave as a judge, and 
 even jolly Bardolf's red nose turned 'pale. 
 Luckily for those in the car, the asses took out 
 the liorses^ and seizing the harness, dragged 
 them in triumph to Temple-bar. 
 
 " Now,'' said Mohun* the master of the revels 
 
 * Mohun, a distinguished actor, who had also served 
 in the royal army, and obtained the rank of major. 
 
 There were two dramatic companies established at 
 the Restoration. The King's company, and the Duke 
 of York's. 
 
 At the King's, the principal performers were. Hart, 
 Mohun, Burt, Winterton, Lacy, Cartwright and Clun, 
 to whom were added some time after. Griffin, Good- 
 man, and others. The principal female perfomiers, 
 and the first who played (their parts until the Reforma- 
 tion having been personated by men,) were Mrs. 
 Cory, Mrs. Marshall. Mrs. Knap, Mrs. Boutell, and 
 the celebrated Mrs. Eleanor Gwyn, King Charles's 
 favourite Kelly. 
 
 The Duke's company marshalled under its banner, 
 the celebrated Betterton, Kynaston, Moseley, Nokes,
 
 STR-\NGE DOINGS IN HARP ALLEY. 125 
 
 to Davenant^ on this friendly occasion, who stood 
 on the steps of the tavern, " we have accomplished 
 our labour so far. Sir William ; but the devil a 
 trumpeter can be procured for love or money." 
 
 " That is provoking, very provoking," said 
 Davenant, " is it not Master Caleb Johnson ? 
 This cuts up, mars all my plan, — I had purposed 
 to have a band of trumpeters in front of your 
 gallery, but it seems that they are all engaged 
 and gone into Kent, or St. George's Fields, to 
 meet the king.* 
 
 Sheppy, Floyd, Richards, Blagden, Price, and after- 
 wards Smith, Sandford, Medbourne, and others. The 
 female performers were, Mrs. Davenport, Mrs. 
 Betterton, Mrs. Davies, another of King Charles's 
 misses, Mrs. Long, Mrs. Gibbs, Mrs. Norris, Mrs. 
 Jennings, and Mrs. Holden. 
 
 * King Charles II. on his way to the Metropolis, 
 on the day of the Restoration, was entertained with a 
 sumptuous collation, under a spacious tept, erected for 
 the occasion on St. George' s-fi elds. Here his Majesty 
 was met by the Lord Mayor and aldermen. The 
 Lord Mayor, presenting him with the city sword, had 
 the same graciously returned, with the honour of 
 knighthood — *' Rise up Sir Thomas Alleyne."
 
 1?0 STRANGE DOINGS IN HARP ALLEV. 
 
 " And what makes the matter worse," said 
 Tom D'Urfey,* who was the prime mover in all 
 the gay doings at the Devil, " there are no 
 trumpets to be got. All sold for old brass — 
 harmless brass by G — d, melted down to make 
 
 * Tom D'Urfey, a choice spark, who lived in a 
 tavern all the days of his life, which were many, and 
 lengthened by his jovial nights, is handed down to 
 fame, by Addison, and others ; for his good humour, 
 and social qualities. A man, however, who carried 
 about him more of the wit of others, than he has left 
 of his own, though a voluminous writer : For to quote 
 his own words, he was one who " after having written 
 more odes than Horace, and about four times as many 
 comedies as Terence, found himself reduced to great 
 difficulties, by the importunities of a set of men, who 
 of late years liad furnished him with the accommoda- 
 tions of hfe, and would not be paid with a song.''* 
 
 A collection of ballads, a large portion of his con- 
 vivial songs, &c. were published in six volumes, 
 duodecimo, intituled. Pills to Purge Melancholy. He 
 died aged ninety-five, and his monument is still to be 
 seen on the south west angle of the outside of St. 
 James's Church Westminster, on which is inscribed. — 
 
 Tom D'Urfey, Dyed, Feb. ye 26th, 1723.
 
 STRANGE DOINGS IN HARP ALLEY. 127 
 
 Drury-lane barber's sconces, and church candle- 
 sticks." 
 
 " My eye ! vot a pretty sight," said Mordecai, 
 who had been lifted off his legs by the crowd, at 
 St. Bride's, carried along, and stranded by the 
 torrent, at the door of the tavern. " Vot is it I 
 can do for mine vorthy master?" addressing 
 himself to old Caleb. *' Vot, is it trumpeters ? 
 strichke me funny, I have not no trumpeters, 
 t'vosh a scarce commodity ; but I can find where 
 to lay my hand on some trumpets^ mine prodare 
 Judah, is got a matter of two or three ; veil, 
 and so as sister Rachel, and that Muggletonian 
 thief, vot made her a Christian, blind his eyes, 
 has one, vot he took in a lot of old silver, I'll get 
 it you as a pargain, schmite me flat vot I can. 
 Vot vill you come down, if I fetch some 
 trumpeters as veil too." 
 
 " Your own price you cunning rogue," said 
 Caleb, rubbing his hands with delight . " go, do 
 go and set your wits to work, good Mordecai. '' 
 
 " Vot if I voudn't go to hell for my master! 
 That's a pargain," when the bustling Jew, 
 pushing towards the bar, gave his bag in charge,
 
 128 STRANGE DOINGS IN HARP ALLEY- 
 
 and escaping by the back way to the temple, set 
 off in a waterman's wherry, to Westminster. 
 
 " ' Hie thee gentle Jew; '' said D'Urfey , " ' thifi 
 Hebrew will turn Christian.'' If lie does not, 
 ' / am a Jew else, an Ebrew Jew^ " proceeding 
 on, for he was a right merry quoter of the bard, 
 and ever ready — " ' The clog Jew," yes, if he 
 does not smell out a brace or a leash of your 
 buccinatars, may my nose be rubbed to the ob- 
 literation of all tavern scores." 
 
 " He is a willing, good creature, for all his 
 tricks, the wicked dog," said old Caleb, but, 
 shaking his head, '' I fear Tom, he will fail in 
 this." 
 
 '' All my funds to a tobacco-stopper, he'll do 
 the deed I" said D'Urfey, confident in the 
 topt of his man.
 
 THREE FIGHTS AND A SCRATCH, &C. 129 
 
 CHAPTER V. 
 
 FLEET STREET. 
 
 THREE FIGHTS AND A SCRATCH, IN THE WAY TO 
 THE DEVIL. 
 
 ' Yoitr tcorJs have took such pains, as if they laboured to bring 
 manslaughter into form, and set quarrelling upon the head oj 
 valour.'" — Shskspeare. 
 
 " How merrily the bells troll on," said 
 Walker, to his friend Ingoldsby, as they walked 
 arm-in-arm through Fleet-street. 
 
 " Yea," replied the colonel, " the steeple- 
 houses reel as though old mother church were 
 drunk with joy. Now if you and I and your 
 brother Matt, were not kalendard with the 
 outed sanctified ones : almanack^d with the pure 
 in spirit: we might change the colour of our 
 cloth, turn parsons, and cast lots for fat cures. 
 Well done old dame Bridget, alias Saint Bride; 
 for doubtless all churches will be sainted again. 
 (;3
 
 130 THREE FIGHTS AND A SCRATCH, 
 
 though the saints must take their turn at mump- 
 ing it for a season. 'Tis all comical for certain. 
 I wonder that commercial Jew chap, master 
 Mordecai, does not rummage rag fair for gowns 
 and cassocks ; though I'd be sworn, die moths 
 have had a belly-full of that fare of late years. 
 What say you Walker, — suppose we turn tailors, 
 — your college robe-stitchers ? by the Lord ! and 
 that will be a roaring trade. It was but yester- 
 day, rowing the other side of the river, and your 
 hlack-dyers^ of Bank-side, were rincing their 
 clothes. The Thames was running ding-ij as a 
 smithy water-trough. Devil a bit of white-bait 
 at Black-wall for one while. Your aldermen 
 must forego that dainty dish, 'till your parsons 
 are all new rigged. Bravo old motlier Bridget, 
 that was a smart volley."" The bells were firing, 
 as it is called by the ringers, all striking their 
 clappers by one simultaneous pull. " Bravo I 
 my old girl — better and better. This is a feu 
 dejoie of the old church militant, for her victory 
 
 over the saints. Ha-ha-ha-ha; III be d d if 
 
 the very churches are not roaring with the 
 general madness. O rare, tlie vigil of the Resto- 
 ration ! ""
 
 IN THE WAY TO THE DEVIL. 131 
 
 " Nay, nay ! my brother soger," said Matt 
 Barlowe, " 'tis better to be merry than sad." 
 
 " Sad I" exclaimed Ingoldsby ; " I am gay 
 as a May-pole, — all the world dancing around 
 me. All this row-dy-dow for the godly 
 ministers, ha-ha-ha. So let's you and I Matt, 
 and brother Bob, go and booze it with mine 
 host of the Devil. Come along Matt, how 
 gaily the houses are lighted up : by the lord 'tis 
 universal holiday. Ha-ha-ha, the honest old 
 tapster gave me a purse ; an old debt, said he. 
 Well done old true-penny, what is got over the 
 devil's back, is spent under his belly, says the 
 adage. We will have a right royal spree to 
 night, — why not ! — and be as merry as the 
 cavaliers." 
 
 '* Hey I what — I have overtaken you Master 
 Walker," said Mohun the comedian, placing 
 his arms between him and Ingoldsby ; " well 
 and how fares it colonel ? " " Bravely my noble,'* 
 returned the soldier ; " what, and Master Barlowe 
 too, whither are you rambling my gents ?"" 
 
 " We are bound west-ward, as you may per- 
 ceive," said Walker; " republicans like, going 
 to the Devil."
 
 132 THREE FIGHIS AND A SCRATCH, 
 
 " Why all the world is flocking thilher it 
 seems, "^ said the player. " I shall be there by 
 and bye, to meet an old comrade, Sir William 
 Davenant. I shall be glad to introduce you, he 
 is a noble fellow, and will be happy to see my 
 friends. I'll join you again in a twinkling," 
 when looking up as he turned the corner of 
 White-friars, he observed rather loudly, " what 
 a beautiful star-light, I hope we shall have a 
 fine morrow." 
 
 " God send it may rain cats, dogs, and pitch- 
 forks, prongs downwards ! " boisterously ex- 
 claimed a passing stranger. He was a strapping 
 fellow, and a roiindhead of course. 
 
 " So say I," returned a loyal London ap- 
 prentice ; " and I would not pick up the first that 
 came to hand, — stick it into your parliamentary 
 guts, siud pitch you on your own beggarly dung- 
 hill." 
 
 " Beggar, hey!" retorted the evil wisher; 
 " 1 11 soon see if you can make a beggar of me." 
 
 " A ring, a ring," was the sudden cry. They 
 stripped ; the apprentice was no stripling 
 though ; and, shaking hands, to fisty-cufTs they 
 went, hammer and tongs.
 
 TN THE WAY TO THE DEVIL. 133 
 
 Within a few seconds the street was blocked 
 up by the crowd : all heads were out at 
 window, men and women. The boys, and 
 even the girls, old enough to sit up to supper, 
 thrusting their white faces between. " O ! how 
 sliocking," said the little misses. " Give it liim," 
 cried the boys. " Look, look, father, how well 
 they Jights."" Vea, the boy brats in the nursery, 
 hearing what was the matter, squalled to the 
 maids to take them out of bed, to " let 'em have 
 a look:' 
 
 *' They are tough blades : ods my life ! what 
 a tremendous blow ! " said Walker, shuddering 
 at the sight. " Pick him up," was tlie cry. 
 ^' Go it again, Geoffrey ; that's your mark ; 
 haugh-hoo-o-o-o-haugh. Now, Geoffrey, now 
 pepper him ; that's a good one. Lay it into 
 Iiim, Martin ; that's your play ; follow him up ; 
 haugh-hoo-haugh. Give 'em room. Stand 
 back there. Shin 'em, shin 'em. Now ! now ! 
 now ! haugh ; follow him up. Go it my brave 
 cock ; haugh, that's it ; follow him close ; tip it 
 him ! tip it him ! " 
 
 " Shame ! shame ! on you ; arn't you 
 ashamed, you hulking' fellows ; "ods curse you.
 
 134 THREE FIGHTS AND A SCRATCH, 
 
 to let two young men fight, and tear one another 
 in this shameful way," exclaimed an old apple- 
 woman, officiously forcing herself through the 
 crowd to separate the combatants. " Hoist her 
 out! hoist her out I " was the cry. No sooner 
 said than done ; and she was lifted \> ithout the 
 ring faster than she got in, but not without 
 abundant squalling, scratching, and kicking. 
 " God send I was only a man for your sake,*' 
 said she, clawing at the sturdy wiglit who carried 
 her forth with notable dexterity ; " I'd knock 
 your cowardly head about, I would, you 
 hound/" 
 
 " That's your sort, old one," said one of the 
 carpenters, who by torch-light was busily em- 
 ployed, helping to erect a scaffold in front of a 
 shop. " That's your sort, old one ; moh him ; 
 give him your red rag ; mag him, mag him, old 
 one." 
 
 " Old one I who do you call old one, mister 
 wooden-head '^ God send one o' my boys was 
 here, he'd soon stop your mag^ I warrant me." 
 
 " Mag, mag, mag," replied the carpenter. 
 "• Come, move off, my old girl, and do not breed 
 another mob about us. D d if we shall
 
 IN THE WAY TO THE DEVIL. 133 
 
 finish our job to-night, what with one bravvHng 
 BiUingsgate old cat and another/' 
 
 Down went the carpenter. He was on his 
 feet again in a twinkling, and surrounded by 
 his comrades, who quitted the scaffold in as 
 short a period. " Strip, Jeremy, strip," was 
 die word ; and the carpenter and the son of the 
 apple- worn an, who happened to come just in the 
 God-speed, knocked up another gallant fight. 
 
 " Thafs my own boy," exclaimed the old 
 apple-woman, clapping her hands, and appealing 
 to the crowd, who simultaneously spread into 
 another ring. '* O ! give my child fair play, 
 good people ! for all them cursed hread-amU 
 cheese carpenters v/ill be all o' their own side. 
 Go it, my own dear, dear boy ! Do, good 
 people, for the love of God, see that my boy has 
 fair play ;" whilst as the shouting increased, and 
 she was thiiist back, she wept, wrung her hands, 
 danced almost frantic, and exclaimed — " O that 
 boy o' mine has got the true blood o' the Fog- 
 gertys ! " 
 
 " What ! mother Foggerty, is it you ? '' said 
 a coal-heaver, standing with folded arms— his 
 hat slouched over his broad shoulders.
 
 136 THREE FIGHTS AND A SCRATCH, 
 
 '* Ah — ^yes. O ! do, John Piper, see my boy 
 has fair play. O ! do take care of my boy." 
 
 " Fair play, mother Foggerty ! " soberly 
 answered John Piper ; " why every body has 
 fair play, d'ye see, in a fight ; and as for that, 
 the young son of a b h can take care of him- 
 self fast enough." 
 
 " B h ! arn't you ashamed to call a good 
 
 woman, old enough to be your mother, by such 
 an unchristian name? you diity coal-heaver 
 you," exclaimed a mutton-pie woman, a friend 
 of old mother Foggerty, accompanying her re- 
 proaches with a clawing of his face, which made 
 his eyes water ; when the old mother apple- 
 woman assailed him in like manner 
 
 Poor Piper held the viragoes by the wrists, 
 at arm's-length, who screaming violently with 
 rage, though not hurt, a fellowship-porter step- 
 ped forth, with— " D — n the man that strikes a 
 woman, I say," and aimed a blow at the coal- 
 heaver's head, which he catching adroitly on his 
 left, with his right fist returned it on the head 
 of his opponent, and laid him at length upon 
 the pavement. The porter was lifted upon his 
 feet, and these two heroes also stripping, Iiv
 
 IN THE WAY TO THE DEVIL. 137 
 
 goldsby interposed, and assured the porter that 
 he was in the wrong, explaining the affair to 
 his satisfaction, who, perceiving he was a 
 gentleman, gave credence to his recital, when 
 the coal-porter and fellowship-porter, in good 
 fellowship, shook hands, and retired to drink 
 together at the first alehouse, and spend the 
 shillings which the colonel and his party had 
 given them, for being " good hearty fellows."' 
 
 " Come along, colonel ; come Matt," said 
 Walker, taking their arms, " let us proceed." 
 
 " Aye, let us be off," replied Ingoldsby, " or 
 we may perchance come in for a clout o' the 
 
 head. What a d d pugnacious breed we 
 
 are, every mother's son of us, high and low, 
 rich and poor ; what untameable dogs : and 
 who the devil would 'tempt to muzzle us ? But, 
 hey ! and what have we here ? Fiddlers and no 
 dancing : rather out of character. What, and a 
 lady musician too, — a left-handed fiddler ! Ha- 
 ha-ha. 'Tis a merry world after all, my good 
 masters." 
 
 The party mixed in the throng, which stood 
 before a most original pair, a man and his wife 
 singing in parts, she fiddhng a left-handed ac-
 
 138 THREE FIGHTS AND A SCRATCH, 
 
 companiment, most delectably harmonious, being 
 half a tone out of tune, to their dulcet voices, 
 which assimilated as nearly as that of a screech- 
 ing owl to a croaking raven, taking up the parts 
 in a special sort of musical dialogue. 
 
 He (croaking) Come and listen awliile my — 
 
 She [sci'eeching] masters, Whilst I recount our late dis — 
 
 He asters ; Such a wond'rous sitiva — 
 
 She tion. Never befall'd a civilized — 
 
 He nation. Since the 'varsal world began ; 
 
 She For when Adam delved, and Eve she spun, 
 
 Both Who was then the gentleman ? 
 
 Violin Symphony, — Trum-strum, riddle-diddle, 
 rum, strim, strum. 
 
 He One old rogue they call Hugh Peters 
 
 And 'tother — 
 She old Harrison, both of 'em traitors, Ought — 
 He to be tried and — 
 She have no mercy, All- 
 He without the benefit of clargy ; 
 She For, on the twenty-ninth of May, All — 
 He such regicide rogues as they. Ought to — 
 Both be hang'd upon Tyburn tree. 
 
 Symphony. — Twing-twang, rum-strum, twiddle- 
 diddle-dee.
 
 IN THE WAY TO THE DEVIL. 139 
 
 He Fifteen years of triberlation, 
 
 She Has parfected the Restoration ; For — 
 
 He an evil day 'twas, when red-no'^nd — 
 
 She Noll, Set himself— 
 
 He up for to govern us all. 
 
 She Prayed and preach'd, and fouglit — 
 
 He beside, With — 
 
 She one eyed Hewson, and pot-bellyM Pride, Old — 
 
 He Barebones and t'other rogue Pym, 
 
 She And Master Dick, we a'— 
 
 He had enough of him, But — 
 
 Both we ne'er shall be ruled by such villains again. 
 
 Symphony. — Rum-strum, riddle-diddle, rim, trim, 
 strum. 
 
 He But since we've kick'd the — 
 
 She old Rump out. 
 
 He And things have turn'd so happily — 
 
 She about ; Let's thank a merciful Providence, 
 
 He That people have all come again — 
 
 She to their sense ; So let us all — 
 
 He sing God bless the King, And — 
 
 She live to see him govern us agin ; 
 
 He And may he — 
 
 She live and happy be, To — 
 
 Both conker his foes both by land and sea. 
 
 Symphony. — Riddle-diddle, twank-i-diddle, twank- 
 diddle-dee.
 
 140 THREE FIGHTS AND A SCRATCH, 
 
 He. Come my gentle masters and mistresses, 
 liere is a new loyal copy of varses^ called — 
 
 She. '' Down with the Rump." Come my 
 loyal customers, our noble sovereign, King 
 Charles, will make his grand per session — 
 
 He. into this Protestant city to-morrow. 
 Now's your time to lay out your money, and 
 all for— 
 
 Both, to signify your loyalty for Church and 
 King, at the small price of a ha-penny. 
 
 " Come, my old Trojan, let us have a copy 
 of your varses^"" said Ingoldsby. " Who is the 
 poet?" " My husband, your worship," said 
 his wife. ^^ brave ! '* returned the colonel, 
 liandiiig her up a sixpence, for they were on a 
 little platform. '^ God bless your honours," 
 said the poet, spitting on the coin for luck ; 
 '• you ai'e noble cavaliers, that's sure and 
 sartin, without argement.'" " Huzza!"' ex- 
 claimed the people. " Church and King ; 
 huzza ! " 
 
 Ingoldsby laughed ; and, quitting the crowd, 
 proceeded onward with his friends, singing — 
 
 " * And all such regicide rogues as they 
 Ought to be hang'd upon Tyburii'tree,*
 
 IX THE WAY TO THE DEVIL. 141 
 
 Ha-ha-lia. By Jupiter, Walker, you should 
 paint that group ; old Hemskirk would have 
 touched 'em off, aye to the moral of 'cm, a^ 
 Oliver used to say. I'll be shot if this delec- 
 table ditty will not run in my sconce all night. 
 Ha-ha-ha. 
 
 ' For all such regicide rogues as we, 
 Ought to be hang'd ' 
 
 Ha ! here's the old spot ; ' — when hesitating, as 
 he set his foot upon the tavern threshold, he 
 suppressed a rising sigh, by a few slaps on his 
 bosom, and re-entered his ancient quarters with 
 the bold front of an old soldier.
 
 142 THE DEVIL TAVERN. 
 
 CHAPTER VI. 
 
 THE DEVIL TAVERN. 
 
 " Between the jlrmies, let's driiik together friendhj and embrace.' 
 
 Shakspeare. 
 
 " Here we are once again, hey my hearty j"*" 
 said Matthew Barlovve to his brother Walker. 
 " Damme Master Bob, us roundheads must 
 lengthen our faces, and look loyal, for mine host 
 says all the rooms are hired for cavaliers to- 
 morrow." 
 
 " Lengthen your faces and look royal,'' re- 
 plied Ingoldsby, " for by goles if your painted 
 signs be like, the king's phiz must be as long 
 as my arm."" 
 
 " Who is he that dares say, the king's face is 
 as long as my arm V demanded a voice from 
 the bar. 
 
 "/ doT'' replied Ingoldsby, "and what 
 then !" turning short round from the old wide
 
 THE DEVIL TAVERN. 143 
 
 Stair-case, which he was ascending, and looking 
 over the bar-door, his bristles up. 
 
 '' Bearded like the pard sudden and quick in 
 quarrel^'' answered a lively voice. AVhen, who 
 should he encounter but that harmless antago- 
 nist, Tom D'Urfey, who oftended nobody, nor 
 whom nobody could offend. 
 
 Ingoldsby's proud front relaxed of its frown, 
 and a good-humoured smile lighted his manly 
 face. " Ah ! what, my Tom, what is it you my 
 D"Urfey : that is right, a privileged man every 
 where, hey ! my merry Jester ; what ! courting 
 my comely mistress, hey ! Well Tom, how 
 goes it ? this is lucky though, friend Tom, for 
 I expected a royalist's sword whipped into my 
 bowels." 
 
 " Devil you did ! he must wear a long cheese 
 toaster who"'d dare tickle your ribs. But, ' My 
 sword made weak hy my affection, would obey 
 it on all cause' " 
 
 '' By all that's holy I yes tis him !'' exclaimed 
 another, who coming forward, with emotion, 
 seized Ingoldsby by the hand, saying, " What ! 
 my dear colonel, I had hoped that we might 
 meet hereafter, were it in heaven, but our host
 
 144 THE DEVIL TAVERX. 
 
 here is no rebellious Lucifer, and happy I am 
 to meet you once more, even under the roof of 
 the Devil : yes, most liappy.'" Davenant was 
 all ^varmth. 
 
 Ingoldsby returned his salute with less 
 warmth, for he was rather grave in his de- 
 meanor with any but his familiars ; not so easily 
 excited at least as many of his worthy compeers. 
 He, however, shook Davenant's hand very cor- 
 dially in return, observing, ^' I should have felt 
 pleasure in meeting with you any where. Sir 
 William : and I know not where, the rather 
 than here. Sir : for, by the powers, I know 
 not how it is with you, but I seem to 
 relish the smell of punch here, (sniffling at the 
 same time,) rather than villainous gimpowder, 
 and the clanking of silver tankards, than the 
 blast of the trumpet : I-faith, sir knight, we 
 have met in jovial quarters. Well, Sir William, 
 matters have changed hands since we last met." 
 
 " Yes, my dear colonel, they have,'' offering 
 his hand again, " and now we may meet with- 
 out a heart-ache, unless, indeed, it be for the 
 past.'' 
 
 " True," rephed Ingoldsby, " and the sooner
 
 THE DEVIL TAVERN. 145 
 
 that is forgotten, so much the better for all 
 parties; at least, that is my opinion/' 
 
 " Heaven forbid that there should be two 
 opinions on the subject," said Davenant. 
 
 " Unless,'' rejoined Ingoldsby, " that there 
 are some few damned rogues on both sides, my 
 worthy captain, who sliould be sent to the riglit 
 about. " 
 
 " Pray, Colonel, pai'don me the question, have 
 you any friends here this evening — have you a 
 room y 
 
 ''Why no, Sir, not exactly so; I have no 
 room, but I have two or three friends, and I 
 think our host will afford us a cabin for old 
 acquaintance sake." 
 
 " Why I may appear so/r^e. Colonel, I would 
 explain ; the reason is, the house is so full, I'faith ! 
 half the guests must sit with their legs out at 
 window. Now if you, and your friench, will 
 accept chairs at our board, I have an apartment 
 to myself and room to let ; I ask with frankness. 
 Colonel, and do obhge me by consenting. You 
 will perhaps not ooject to the party, for there 
 are some choice spirits amongst them, and we 
 are met to make merry.' 
 
 VOL. I. H
 
 146 THE DEVIL TAVERN. 
 
 " My worthy cavalier," said Ingoldsby, 
 with gaiety, " it is not every day we meet with 
 such an offer, I am in the vein for a cheerful 
 bout, so I accept your invitation with thanks." 
 
 " That is kind," returned Davenant. 
 
 *• Your guests are not stiff-rumped cavaliers, 
 I trust though," whispered Ingoldsby. 
 
 *' Not a man of them, believe me. Colonel. 
 They are chiefly poets, wits, and players ; men 
 of imagination, Sir: the last to trouble them- 
 selves long about what sets others by the ear^. 
 I will tell you who you will meet." 
 
 " Pho, pho ! not at all, Sir William, I am 
 for all good fellows — 
 
 * whoever they be, 
 
 Though they've not a farthing of money.' " 
 
 This gay flourish, being overheard in Dave- 
 nant's apartment, behind the bar, induced one 
 of the company, old Master Shirley, the play- 
 wright *, gently to open the door, to have a 
 
 * Shirley's dramatic works were numerous. His 
 first play, The Wedding, was performed at the Phoenix, 
 anno 1629. It has been before noticed that he was a 
 schoolmaster as well as poet.
 
 THE DEVIL TAVERN. 147 
 
 peep ; wlien observing Ingoldsby and the 
 knight engaged in friendly converse, he came 
 forward, and looking on each with an air of 
 complacency, observed " this is a grateful sight 
 
 to behold two such worthies he could say 
 
 no more audibly, but joining their hands, con- 
 trived with a faultering voice to add, " but 
 now that the sword is sheathed, may you be 
 friends, long, long, and happy." 
 
 This kind apostrophe was not ill-timed, for 
 the Colonel and Davenant had served in the 
 
 So bold have been some of the plagiarists from 
 Shirley, that they have copied whole passages without 
 alteration. Mrs. Behn, Bullock, and Foote, have 
 stolen largely from him. 
 
 During the Interregnum, several dramatic writers 
 occasionally followed the useful occupation of school- 
 masters. Shirley, who wrote little after the Restora- 
 tion, in his many plays, had furnished materials for 
 innumerable plagiarists. Johns, a schoolmaster, wrote 
 a play entitled " The Traitor to Himself.'' Maidwell, 
 a schoolmaster, was author of " The Loving Enemies.'' 
 Webster was another who carried on this double 
 calling. 
 
 H 2
 
 145 THE DEVII, TAVERN. 
 
 opposing armies ; Davenant in the royal cause, 
 who for his bravery and loyalty, had been 
 knighted on the field by the king. He, how- 
 ever, was taken prisoner at York, and would 
 have been hanged by the republicans, but for 
 the favorable representations of two of the 
 aldermen there, roundheads too. Ingoldsby^s 
 generous offices backing this appeal, saved the 
 knight from his mipending fate. Hence, Da- 
 venant never spoke of Dick Ingoldsby, but 
 with a fervor commensurate with his gratitude. 
 This unexpected rencontre^ in such a place, at 
 such a season^ and between two such congenial 
 souls, could not but be mutually pleasant. 
 
 It should be observed, that the aldermen of 
 York^ who interposed their kind offices for Sir 
 William, were urged to the act by an obliga- 
 tion in kind. Davenant had on a former oc- 
 casion, when the king's army was victorious, 
 saved certain magistrates of that city from the 
 same fate, and these individuals amongst the 
 rest. 
 
 " I have requested Colonel Ingoldsby to 
 make one of our party this evening. Master 
 Shirley ,''^ said the knight, and turning to the
 
 THE DEVIL TAVERN. 149 
 
 Colonel, asked, " Where are your friends, 
 
 Sir r 
 
 " Faith, ^seeking'' I suppose," returned the 
 Colonel, " for they will swear I have given 
 them the slip," laughing at the conceit, " not 
 seeking the Lord though, hey ! Master Shir- 
 ley?" 
 
 " No, no, God forbid," replied the worthy 
 old poet, smiling, and shaking his grey locks. 
 " We have had too much of that impiety, 
 Master Colonel.'"* 
 
 At this moment, loud laughter and shouts of 
 exultation from above, interrupted the conver- 
 sation, when the comely hostess, descending the 
 stair-case arm-in-arm with Sir Charles Sedley, 
 appeared convulsed with laughter, and close at 
 her train, Jonathan, the quaker, folio we(t by old 
 Caleb Johnson, holding his fat sides, and roar- 
 ing, ''■ O ! O ! Master Barlowe, you will be the 
 death of me, ha, ha, ha, O ! O ! I shall give 
 up the ghost." They had been above to look 
 at Barlowe's new sign. 
 
 " Why Momus seems to hold his court be- 
 times to-night, and early to commence his re- 
 velry,*' said Shirley. " Why, hey ! good Mis-
 
 150 THE DEVIL TAVERN. 
 
 tress Johnson, why, what is all this?'* Here 
 the laughter re-commenced. 
 
 '' * Mirth admit me of thy Crew^ this is a 
 joyous commencement of a new era, Ffaith l" 
 exclaimed Davenant, smacking his hands. 
 '^ Why my gay lady hostess, what featly frolic 
 is footing it now ? What, and a quaker too !" 
 Jonathan looked so grave, so entirely unmoved 
 in the midst of the risible group, that Davenant, 
 Ingoldsby, and the old poet, involuntarily 
 laughed as loudly as the rest. 
 
 " Mercy on me, how can I be so weak, he-he- 
 he," and then the comely hostess was oft' in 
 another risible fit, and old Caleb roared until his 
 ribs ached again. ''I'll have it hoisted up, I will, 
 by break — break — break o' day, ha ! ha ! ha !" 
 
 •' Yes, and the Vrng shall behold the old fox, 
 as I live," added the hostess ; "oh ! oh ! I shall 
 die, 'tis the comical'st thing, ha-ha-ha.'' 
 
 " Verily, it is a sign peradventure that may 
 move Charles to mirth,*' said Jonathan, with 
 as much solemnity as he would have used in 
 prayer. 
 
 This was too much to bear, and the mirth 
 was louder still.
 
 THE DEVIL TAVERN. 151 
 
 " Though I should admonish thee, friend 
 Johnson, not to raghly expose the sign to the 
 morning mist, lest the chill should tarnish the 
 freshness of the paints, and diminish the 
 splendour thereof.'' 
 
 " That is good advice. Master Jonathan, 
 said Walker; " T should not hang it on, Matt, 
 until the sun is up." 
 
 " Ha ! ha ! ha ! How the spiteful old" 
 hypocrite will grin to see himself." " Yes ! with 
 his skinny nose in the cook's tongs," said meiTv 
 Mistress Johnson. 
 
 "Hey — what!' enquired Shirley; "What 
 is it thus bewitches you all to merriment ? Pray 
 let us have it, 'tis fitting we should know. So, 
 friend," addressing the quaker, " as i/oii appear 
 not to have lost your wits, neither to be spell 
 lx)und, — do tell us." 
 
 " Pray, friend," replied Jonathan, " art thou 
 what the followers of Charles doth denominate 
 a round-head ?" 
 
 '• Certainly I am not,"* said the poet; " but 
 what then ?'' 
 
 " Perad venture thou art, what the people 
 doth denominate a cavalier ?'*
 
 152 THE DEVIL TAVERN. 
 
 " Shu-shu ! nonsense, good man ; why, of 
 course, I must be 'Jish or flesh.'' " 
 
 " Nay, friend, there are amongst the people, 
 those who being neuter, are neitlier the one, 
 neither are they the other; with wliom opinion, 
 farther than 'peace and good xvill to all, pre- 
 vaileth not." 
 
 " So far as for that maxim, am I with you, 
 master quaker," said Shirley, smihng; *' and 
 pray, neighbour, now, what may be the subject 
 of this frolic ?" 
 
 " Botheration, — nonsense, — hold your jieace 
 Jonathan ; come now, thank you for your care 
 of the thing, the sign is safely housed ; so now 
 go home, troop, depart home, from whence you 
 came," said the gay painter to his trusty man, 
 whose faculty for prosing he knew full well. 
 
 " The more thee calls mither, the more I 
 winna come^'' said the cottager's daughter. In 
 the same spirit, Jonathan, because he was bidden 
 to go^ was moved by the spirit, not to budge 
 one inch from the spot. 
 
 " Peradventure thou knowest, that Harp- 
 alley leadeth to Fleet-ditch, friend T' 
 
 '-' I do," said Shirley.
 
 THE DEVIL TAVERN. 153 
 
 " Bother-bother. Come Jonathan, you ai'e 
 wanted at home," said Barlowe, taking him by 
 the shoulder, uith a civil sort of force. " I would 
 eject thee from the threshold of the Devil." 
 
 '* Thy premises be closed, Master Barlowe, 
 and thy workmen sojourneth from the labour 
 and toil of the day ; therefore is Jonathan free 
 in the flesh until the morrow, for the word 
 sayeth, the labourer is worthy of his hire." 
 Fixing himself immoveably with his back 
 against the pillar at the foot of the stairs. 
 
 '• In Harp-alley, resideth skilful workers in 
 paints," proceeded the quaker, — " yea, fabri- 
 cators of illuminated symbols, according to the 
 customs and usages of the times ; and there, 
 doth dwell, when he be at home, Master Mat- 
 thew Barlowe," looking steadfastly in his em- 
 ployer's face, " who, peradventure, moved by the 
 holy spirit, ceased to follow the vain-glorious oc- 
 cupation of a man slayer, and took up the useful 
 and profitable calling, of a projector and painter 
 of signs. Now, there are signs, profitlesf? in a 
 spiritual sense ; yea ! and symbols, profitable 
 in their moral sense: but, verily all things 
 worketh together for good.*' 
 h3
 
 154 THE DEVIL TAVERN. 
 
 Barlowe, who really regaided his faithful 
 Jonathan, got out of all patience, when laugh- 
 ing sarcastically in his face, he said, " what ! 
 the pious Jonathan, holding forth in a tavern I 
 why thou art more extravagant than old Domes- 
 day Sedgwicl: the prognosticator.' ' 
 
 " Let him proceed, I pray thee,"' said Shirley ; 
 the scene tickled the old play-ui'ighC s fancy. 
 
 " Profitable," rejoined the quaker, " inas- 
 much as it rebuketh the fro ward, and the proud 
 in office and appointment, to forbearance and 
 shame. We are bidden to return good for evil, 
 yea, and to be kind to those who despitefuUy 
 use us. But the outward flesh will sometimes 
 prevail over the inward man, and move the 
 spirit to chastise the wicked and the evil doer. 
 Perad venture the picture is carnal, albeit, the 
 moral is good : for he that shutteth his heart 
 against mercy, and unjustly takcth the liberty in 
 the flesh from his neighbour, may verily be con- 
 tent, when the tables be turned to smart in effigy, 
 albeit he himself the oppressor, Ik' thus scorn- 
 fully taken by the nose." 
 
 " A special good sermon, Master Jonathan," 
 said Ingoldsby, " and none the worse for not
 
 THE DEVIL TAVERN'. 155 
 
 proceeding through the nose. Commend me to 
 your quaker preaching, against your drones, 
 your spiritual hag-pipers. Come Jonathan, 
 give us your liand, and now we have met, let 
 us have a bottle together for old acquaintance 
 sake, and get as drunk as troopers. What shall 
 we call for, hey ? nay now, stop my worthy 
 Trojan," holding him by the broad brim of his 
 hat. 
 
 " By all means,'' said his master ; " come 
 tarry awhile, good Jonathan." " He shall have 
 a bottle of the best," said the jovial landlord, 
 recovering from his laughing fit. " Nay, he is 
 my guest, by your leave," said Davenant, all 
 entering into the humour, until the smiling land- 
 lady taking the quaker''s arm in her's, declared 
 he should sup with her alone in the bar, Avhen 
 Jonathan gently slipping out of ]i*er bewitching 
 fetters, raised himself thrice from his heels, and 
 quietly departed upon his toes. 
 
 " What a strange fish it is ! ' said Robert 
 Walker ; " once I remember when his highness 
 was sitting to me for that head which is gone to 
 Bavaria, he demanded ; ' What is thy opinion 
 of the quakers, Master Walker?' at the same
 
 156 THE DEVIL TAVERN. 
 
 time observing, ' that crazy pate fellow, George 
 Fox, would have made a redoubtable captain ; 
 the man is intrepid as a lion.' " 
 
 " ' Their tenets are harmless, I believe, your 
 highness?' said I. 
 
 "'Humph! yes! I judge that they be,' 
 adding with a smile, ' which is rather anoma- 
 lous in these times, hey ! ?vlaster Walker ?"* " 
 
 " Now, if I had to choose what I might be, 
 supposing I must he one strange thing or another, 
 amongst the many faiths manufactured of late ; 
 apprentice me to the said George Fo.v,''' said 
 Matthew Barlowe; " for I have by nature a 
 marvellous propensity for ^ doing as I like;' 
 and by the Lord, your Jonathans, and your 
 Aminadabs, become skilful dabs in gaining their 
 point. No school like the quaker school, for 
 turning out your deep old sogers. None of your 
 nolens volens cocks, fellows, by Jupiter, who'd 
 scare Beelzebub, and reduce him to cry peccavi 
 without firing a shot." 
 
 '^ In the name of the holy one ! where did 
 you contrive to bob for this Master Jonathan, hey 
 Matt ?'' said Ingoldsby ; " I was a bit of a sports- 
 man, they used to say, but if I should know how
 
 THE DEVIL TAVER.V. 137 
 
 to bait for such an outlandish iio!?!'descript, ma\^ 
 I be bastinadoed.'' 
 
 " I fished him out of the Poultry compter," 
 replied Barlowe ; " and he got into quarters 
 there, for helping to stir up a breeze in a Popish 
 chapel. For becalling the priest paw-paw 
 names, and blowing out the wax lights at the 
 altar." 
 
 " Defiled his tongue, hey. Matt ? Old 
 
 w e of Babylon, the scarlet w e, hey ?" 
 
 said Ingoldsby. " By the way, Matt, you must 
 recollect the rumpus at York, when old Noll 
 sent us to preserve the peace at Micklegate-bar, 
 when Fox hauled the snuffling Independent by 
 the collar, out of his pulpit. What a man of 
 wax^ — the sturdy cordwainer !" 
 
 " Do I not!" replied Matt ; "yes, as though 
 it were but yesterday, and you cannot forget 
 how old mother Fox capsized Hold-me-fast 
 SparJces, the preaching drum-major, and 
 tumbled him from the horsing block, headlong 
 into the potter''s cellar, and fractured his pipKin 
 among the pot-sherds.^' 
 
 " Aye boy !" replied Ingoldsby, " and how 
 Cromwell, who was looking out at window.
 
 158 THE DEVIL TAVERX. 
 
 laughed at the adventure. I wonder what is 
 become of the old tyke : I recollect his highness 
 saying once at the mess, ' I do not know why, 
 but that mister Hold-me-fast, never holds forth ^ 
 but I liken him in my mind, to the old sinner, 
 the fat knight in the play,— that Sir John 
 Falstaff;" 
 
 " This is a day of adventures by the Lord,'" 
 exclaimed Matthew Barlowe, " why, look you 
 Ingoldsby, there is the old vagabond himself, 
 drunk — drunk as usual. What, my old Hold- 
 me-fast — what ! got the stagg-ers again. Why 
 — what — and your trumpet too !'* 
 
 "Is one Sir Will— Sir Will— William,— 
 M'here is that — hic-cough — rascal — ly Jew re- 
 probate, — can you — hic-cough — can you tell me 
 your worship ?" said the drunken drum-major ; 
 addressing the question to Tom D'Urfey, who 
 wore a ponderous full bottomed wig. 
 
 " Lord-a-mighty ! if I vosh not as sore a$ a 
 boil all over mine ribs. It ish hard work good 
 Master Chonson, to bring all together along the 
 streets for some miles, through such a crowd, 
 as much as six blasted trumpeters, all blind 
 drunk, as I hope to be shaved. Blow me !
 
 THE DEVIL TaVEKN. 109 
 
 if I vosh not as sober as o. judge miiieself, if I 
 could do as much if I vosh to go to hell for it." 
 
 " Thou art a right good fellow, Master 
 Mordecai, that is the fact/' said Davenant, 
 scarcely able to say as much for laughter, at the 
 Jew's comical complaint. " Thou art a general 
 merchant of all wares ; a useful forager by my 
 faith ! notoriously so, my worthy, but ha-ha-ha- 
 ha, three couple of staggering trumpeters, ha- 
 ha-ha, a more extravagant commodity never was 
 brought to market, no, not from the days of 
 Adam."- 
 
 '' Not ezshtravagant, — say not so. Sir Wil- 
 liamsh, — six trumpeters for one night, and all 
 day to-morrow at von guinea per head ; — veil, 
 come take em at five the whole lump ; cheap as 
 dirt. Trumpeters ish a scharce article, so hel}> 
 me G— d." 
 
 " Hold ! do not curse and swear. Bless the 
 man; I am not disputing the bargain. Six 
 guineas with all my heart, my honest Mordecai, 
 and a supper into the bargain." 
 
 The loyal host had provided them a snug 
 little room, on the basement story, beyond the 
 kitchen, and Mordecai, having marshalled his
 
 160 THE DEVIL TAVERN. 
 
 men, they jostled each other, rank and file, to 
 their comfortable quarters. 
 
 " What do you think of this by way of 
 change, hey. Sir William-?" said Ingoldsby ; 
 " very strange, very whimsical, I own, Colonel ; 
 but very amusing methinks." 
 
 " Strange Sir. Yes ! I'll be curst, if I do 
 not verily believe, that all of us, every mother 
 son is mad. Not starl: staring perliaps, but 
 cracked in the sconce. For if I have not 
 witnessed enough to-day, to furnish some one of 
 your scribbling tribe with matter for a play, 
 may I be grilled like St. Lawrence ; what think 
 you, my worthy Sir .^" addressing himself to 
 Sliirley. 
 
 '' Why, Colonel, to be candid with you, I am 
 of your opinion. I have been making the same 
 obsei-vation to my friend Davenant, within the 
 last hour."" 
 
 " Have you Sir, — then give me your hand, 
 we are sworn friends, that is, if you will please to 
 allow rae to say as much ;" recollecting himself, 
 for Shirley was a very venerable looking old 
 gentleman, and not very intimate with the 
 colonel. " rfaith, Sir, I am right glad to hear
 
 THE DEVIL TAVERN. 161 
 
 you say so, for a sort of mis-giving liere^' plac- 
 ing his hand on his forehead, " makes me fear, 
 that like some other moon-smitten wights, the 
 mischief was in myself. Your lunatics fancying 
 all men insane, save and excepting themselves. 
 Well, Sir William, I am your man,'"* making 
 his bow. " Allans^ if you please. But now 
 for your friends, with submission, Colonel." 
 
 " Here at hand. Sir Knight. Come Barlowe. 
 This worthy gent, is an old school-fellow, and 
 brother soldier of mine. Sir William," whisper- 
 ing, " a roundhead once^ — but an apostate now, 
 and an artist : And here is my esteemed friend. 
 Master Robert Walker, whom every body 
 knows, and whom you should know ; for both 
 of whom, I will be bound, for more than I am 
 worth," smiling as he introduced them. " Now 
 Master Matthew, and Master Bob, I have per- 
 formed the civils, and have only to add, that 
 this gentleman has obligingly invited us to his 
 social board." 
 
 " We are in fortune's way, Sir," said Walker, 
 addressing Davenant, " for we liave rambled 
 all over the house, and every room engaged ; 
 fine times for tapsters, Sir.*'
 
 162 THE IJEVIL TAVERN. 
 
 " I am most happy to be honoured with you 
 gentlemen, as guests." " Sh','"* returned the 
 courteous knight, " we will help to keep the 
 Devil's nose warm, to-night, and as our bard 
 says, ' see zckat physic the tavern affords.'' "
 
 davenant's round table. 163 
 
 CHAP. VII. 
 
 DAVENANT S ROUND TABLE. 
 
 Making that idiot laughter keep men's eyes, and strain (heir cheeks 
 to idle merriment." — Shakspeare. 
 
 " Come, my worthy friends, — Pray Colonel 
 
 will you be seated here,''' placing his hand on 
 
 the chair to his right ; '' and if you please. Sir," 
 
 Walker, " here, to his left : Mr. Barlowe, 
 
 please to be seated. Now, gentlemen, 
 
 * Small cheer and great welcome makes a merry feast.' 
 
 SUAKSPEARE. 
 
 " Come chaplain, do your duty :'' So Tom 
 D'Urfey, preparatory to taking the arm 
 chair opposite, with a becoming gravity, said, 
 " God bless the meat, and those that eat,' and 
 the old poet adding Amen; the guests com- 
 menced their pleasurable operations, old Caleb 
 Johnson meanwhile taking off the bright covers ; 
 for all the culinary ware, at the Devil, shone
 
 164 davenant's round table. 
 
 like new armour ; dame Johnson being an ex- 
 cellent housewife. 
 
 " A very fine pike this indeed, Sir," said 
 Walker ; '* by the way, Ingoldsby, what a 
 capital hand was our old Protector, at trowling. 
 Sir," said he, turning to Davenant, w ith a smile, 
 " it is fitting that you should kno\v, that you 
 are seated betw ixt two roundheads.'' 
 
 " I could not desire better supporters, Sir,'' 
 said Sir William. " Mars, at my right, and 
 Apollo, at my left, one saved my life, and the 
 other will make me to live after death. Why, 
 my dear Sir, you have forgotten the son of the 
 Inn-keeper at Oxford ?" 
 
 Walker regarded him attentively, when laying 
 dow^n his knife and fork, he offered his hand, 
 pleasure mutually sparkhng in their eyes; 
 *' why surely. Sir, you are the same, whom I 
 I drew, some thirty or forty years ago, for the 
 old dean of Christchurch. I'faith, and I have 
 a notion, that it was one of the best heads I ever 
 touched off. And pray, pardon my egotism; 
 and is that handy work of mine in existence ?" 
 
 " It is Sir, I am proud to say." 
 
 " And where, I beg to ask ? "
 
 DAVENANTS HOUND TABLE. 165 
 
 " Why, Sir, I must cry your mercy too, on 
 the score of egotism. It is in the keeping of 
 liis present majesty. He was pleased to ask it 
 of the queen mother, not so much as it regarded 
 me, other than a small hnk in the chain of dra- 
 matic history. The king is a collector of 
 heads." 
 
 " I see Sir William," returned the painter ; 
 " come, Sir, since I haye thus accidentally be- 
 come your guest, let me haye the pleasure to 
 take a glass of wine with you. So, God bless 
 you. Sir William, and here's to the memory of 
 your illustrious godfather.'' 
 
 " This is pleasant enough by Joye, said 
 Tom D'Urfey, " a right noble commencement, 
 and a special good occasion for a glass all round, 
 come gentlemen, are you all fidl to th.e brim ? 
 ' Here's to the immortal memory of Shal- 
 speare.' '" Neyer did glasses more socially ring, 
 than to this exhilarating toast. 
 
 " Pray, my noble host," said D'Urfey, who 
 was a good-natured, impudent fellow, and as 
 Ingoldsby justly observed, a licenced jester. 
 " Pray, Master IVilly, and do you remember 
 your gentle god-papa .?"
 
 166 davenant's round table. 
 
 '^ I do Tom, he used to smooth my hair down 
 my forehead, and catechise me on sabbath days, 
 high days, and holidays." 
 
 '' And especially examine you in the vulgar 
 tongue. Hence, my lords and masters, our 
 noble host's qualification for the court at Breda, 
 and admission to the bosom of our gracious and 
 most pious king, whom God long preserve. We 
 shall have rare feasting and merry doings to- 
 morrow." 
 
 " Feasting to-morrow ! Why god-son of 
 Greedy Gut ^^ said Nokes*; '-you have had 
 your nose in the larder all the day, you should 
 live at the sign of the Belly and Porridge-'pot, 
 Tom." 
 
 " Revelling in the supper with a mouth-full 
 
 *" Nokes is described," says Dibdin, "as an 
 actor of so plain and palpable a simplicity, so per- 
 fectly his own, that he was as diverting in his common 
 speech as on the stage. It is told of him, that a no- 
 bleman, hearing him relate to the performers behind 
 the scenes, a conversation which he had been present 
 at the day before, asked, if he was rehearsing a new 
 part."
 
 davenant's round table 1(37 
 
 of thy cousin-german, thou pike insatiate, and 
 devouring by anticipation the morrow's banquet. 
 Shame on you Tom, Cormorant," added Mohun. 
 
 " Good Lord, what a merciless whirlpool ! 
 ' Maw and gulf of the ravirCd salt sea ahark^ 
 what a swallow !'' exclaimed ' Sandford the 
 surly*, '^ as he was dubbed. *' Why it sticks at 
 nothing." 
 
 " That may be,'' retorted U' Urfey^ laughing 
 boisterously, as he was wont, when himself the 
 subject of general banter. " But, Master Sand- 
 ford, you would stick in the swallow of him 
 who would bolt the sign of the crooked billet."" 
 This actor was as deformed, as he was original. 
 
 Sandford, who was equally good-tempered, 
 grinned horribly, a ghastly smile. He was 
 called scare devil behind the scenes. 
 
 " Come," said D'Urfey , " that grin was 
 
 * Sandford, is supposed to have been the completest 
 and most natural performer of a villain that ever existed. 
 His physiognomy it seems, was by nature, most villain- 
 ous ; hence, though his private character was excellent, 
 the town could never endure hira in any part that bore 
 the least similitude to honour and fair dealing.
 
 16S davenant's round table. 
 
 worth all the money, so old Harry let us hob 
 and nob my boy, for long acquaintance sake, 
 and here goes, mine ancient, let's swallow all old 
 animosities." 
 
 '• Just push the bottle this way, and as you 
 and I have no animosities to gulp down Master 
 Leigh *, let us moisten our clay together. Come 
 Dick Kynastun^ my pretty bearded Boadicea, 
 what say you, will you join us my queen F' add- 
 ing with his wonted gravity, " Dick, you must 
 shave betimes in the morning, for 'pon my soul, 
 my lord the king is coming to-morrow-day.'* 
 
 Smoch-faced Dick^ as he was called, had 
 fought bravely in the field, for the late king. 
 He was one of the actors who played the parts 
 of women at the period of the Restoration. 
 
 " Come, look pretty my Dicky," added the 
 sober-faced Nokes, wape your mouth my queen, 
 and here's to our noble selves. This is no bad 
 stuff. Master Sir William : your real Puritan- 
 ical, right sort of Re-Puhlican tipple.'' 
 
 " Puritanical — That'*s gracious," said Tom 
 
 * Leigh was another performer, "fraught with 
 humour,*' but more extensive in his line.
 
 davenant's round table. 169 
 
 D'Urfey, " how d'ye make that out my 
 drowsy shard?'" 
 
 " Ah Tom/"' repHed Nokes, shaking his 
 head, " this comes of thy voluminous wig. 
 All the wit in the wig.'" Here the company 
 laughed ; he was irresistibly droll. 
 
 " But, gents all — pray worthy president,'' ad- 
 dressing the chair, " where the devil is the 
 wit of this ?" said U' Urfey, all abroad. 
 
 " Take a bumper, solus ^ Tom," said Dave- 
 nant^ '' and then you are privileged to demand 
 an explanation." 
 
 " That is the law, hey .^"' replied RUrJey, 
 " well then, here drawer, bring us a magnum- 
 bonum glass. Now then," (drinking it off') 
 '* what saith John o' Nokes to Tom o' Styles ? 
 let us have it.'' 
 
 " Why, Tom-a-Fool, have not the Puritans 
 shut up the taverns ?" said Nokes. 
 
 " I see," said D'Urfey, " ergo, the wine has 
 been well kepV 
 
 *' And has not our host of the Devil opened 
 shop again, under the old sign .'^" 
 
 " I see," replied Tom ; " ergo, he is a /Re- 
 publican—ergo, this is better and better : capital 
 
 VOL. I. I
 
 J 70 davenant's round table. 
 
 my dry one, by which token, what say you 
 gentlemen to a whet all round," singing — 
 
 " Let's swim the old Pike 
 In wine my boys, 
 Let's swim him again 
 In old wine.*' 
 
 " Talking of pike,^"* said Davenant, " pray 
 Colonel Ingoldsby, were you not observing just 
 now, that the old Protector was famous for 
 catching of pike ?" 
 
 " I was, Sir,'' said Ingoldsby ; " he was 
 thorough varment at the sport. You would 
 scarcely credit it, but his highness was at times 
 as froUcsome as the liveliest of your cava- 
 
 hers." 
 
 (C 
 
 Ha, ha, ha," said D'Urfey, " set a thief to 
 catch a thief. K wily, old pimpled nose pike 
 himself." 
 
 '' Yes," said Ingoldsby, " he was a notable 
 hand at a joiAe, and at quarter- staff too, and 
 had broken many a coxcomb's head." 
 
 D'Urfey laughed at the retort : " That's 
 smart," said he. " Now, Nokes, my boy, you 
 see Day perriwig saved my pate." Tom would
 
 davenant's round table. 171 
 
 take any thing, so that lie got good wine. 
 " Come, Colonel,'*' said he, " I know what yoii 
 might add — now that the old lion is dead, every 
 ass must have a kick at him. Ha, ha, ha, no 
 offence. Colonel ; will you take wine with 
 Tom 'r 
 
 Ingoldsby was cut to the quick. Nothing 
 repels the spirit of retort in the generous breast, 
 like meeting it with good humour ; he felt that 
 he had hit the careless, kind-hearted Tom, too 
 hard. " With all my soul, D'Urfey," said he, 
 filling his glass to the very brim ; " asses, my 
 worthy, may kick — I am only surprised, when 
 wi/s do these foolish things. We have both 
 shown our heels, however, so we are quits. 
 Here's io you, (reaching over,) hob and nob, my 
 D'Urfey," when drinking his wine to the bot- 
 tom, he added, " Poor old Noll ! he was a wily 
 old Pike too, but there was some noble stuff 
 about -liim." 
 
 " I own it Colonel," said D'Urfey, ** and 
 though I have scribbled against him, whip me, if 
 I owe him the least ill-will, so what say you to 
 drinking to his memory my boys ?" 
 
 Ingoldsby laughed, and observed to Davt-
 
 172 davenant's round table. 
 
 nant, " I'faith, Sir, I know not who has the 
 least principle, your poets or your soldiers, in 
 these times." 
 
 Davenant felt the force of the remark, 
 though it applied to neither of them, and re- 
 turned " It is too true Colonel : too many 
 have been playing in masks." 
 
 When D'Urfey, already advanced in his 
 cups, would have pressed his toast, had not 
 Kynaston and Mohun frowned and said, '' Re- 
 member, Tom, where you are — we are in a 
 tavern, you drunken dog. 
 
 " Here, change my plate, drawer, tapster, 
 boy," humming a tune. 
 
 " Ba, ba," exclaimed Davenant, " What ! 
 Mr. Vice, I shall call you to order. Have you 
 forgotten the old adage : ' Noiie but fools and 
 fiddlers sing at their meat.' " 
 
 Tom was not easily abashed. " That I am 
 not a fiddler, all the world knows," said he ; 
 " that I am not ^fool, witness all men being 
 present, for that noble soger Ingoldsby has just 
 dubbed me a wit; and as for meat, we have 
 had none of it, only just having dispatched the 
 fish. Therefore, to save time, whilst there is
 
 davenant's round table. 173 
 
 nothing better to do, I will either sing you a 
 song, gents, or challenge any one present to a 
 smack of comae. Tapster, bring us a modicum 
 of that. Why dost stare, John o' Nokes^ 'tis 
 the most comforting, congenial, concoctive ; a 
 thorough old cordial set'em right," patting his 
 chest, ** when things are going wrong, sing 
 
 Brandy is the liquor o* life, 
 
 When 'tis both bright and strong, Sir. 
 
 holding up his glass and exhibiting its transpa- 
 rency. 
 
 'Twill keep the peace 'twixt a man and bis 
 wife. 
 
 And make us all live the longer. 
 Brandy, when it is strong and bright. 
 
 If man would ever be wiser, 
 Should be taken morning, noon, and night. 
 
 Or else 
 
 Put ihsit pigeon pie down here, before me, boy : 
 excuse me, Mr. President, (laughing) 'tis an easy 
 thing to carve, and ' / have got a bone in my 
 arm. ^ Bravo ! — what! \amh and sparrozc-grass ! I 
 say, Mohiin, he feasts us right nobly — thou art 
 verily a princely manager. I like your taste,
 
 171 DAVBNANT S ROUND TABLE. 
 
 Davenant, Battersea grass, hey ? That rum 
 one, old King Jamie, had a bundle sent him as 
 a rarity. * Take it awa you loon,' said he, ' "tis 
 nothing better na' grown childrens' lolhj-pops. 
 Let me see na more of sic suck-baby at my 
 board."* " 
 
 " Talking of gude old Jamie," observed 
 Mohun, " they say our king is vastly like his 
 royal grand-dad, — you have seen his majesty 
 lately, Sir AVilliam, what think you, Sir .?'' 
 
 " Why, King Chai'les favours liis grandfather, 
 'tis true. Sir, but not so much as his highness 
 the Duke of York, The king has more dignity 
 of visage ; and though certainly somewhat hard 
 favoured, his look is more princely ; so marked 
 an intelligence of countenance ; and his smile is 
 more engaging than I can describe : every one 
 who approaches him, is enchanted by his gra- 
 cious manner." 
 
 '• Yea," said D"Urfey, " and, like your vice- 
 president, so becomes his magnificent wig ; so, 
 gentlemen, travestieing the loyaltv of Dave- 
 nant, who shall I have the pleasure of helping to 
 this princely pigeon-pie ? There is so much 
 dignify in the view of it, though certainly some-
 
 davenant's round table. 175 
 
 what \\\^ flavoured, but then the pigeons look 
 so pretty ; there is so much ri-tum-titum-tijmore 
 than I can describe, that any one who approxi- 
 mates my pie, enchanted with my gracious 
 manner of dohng it out, will " 
 
 " Starve our patience," said Davenant, 
 laughing ; " for if thou be not the most impu- 
 dent, dawdling jack-pudding, that ever pre- 
 sided over a pie, I'll be whipped." 
 
 " Do cork up your wit till Ave come to the 
 bottle, and mind your business, you Tom 
 D'Urfey." 
 
 " ' Master Mtbstard-seed, I know your pa- 
 tience well,' " replied D'Urfey ; " so there Mas- 
 ter President, you see thy old god -dad and I 
 have a saying for every occasion.'' 
 
 " * Thou false deluding slave, thatjeedest me 
 ivith the very name of meat^ " said Mohun, 
 " Do help the pie, or I'll vote you out of your 
 office." 
 
 " ' Ail our officers have been opprest with 
 riotous feeders,"' replied the wag ; when whet- 
 ting his knife on the fork, he added, *' now, 
 blaster Mohun, my gay spark, behold this 
 dainty dish, * The which, if I do not carve most
 
 176 DAVENANTS ROUND TABLE. 
 
 curiously, say my knife s tiought^ " when help- 
 ing Mohun with mock ceremony, " there, Sir, 
 'tis a royal slice." 
 
 " So much more our carver's excellence^'' said 
 Mohun, observing — " 'pon my soul 'tis strange; 
 but our bard really has a saying for ev'ry thing 
 — there is no end to him." 
 
 " By which token — " said old Shirley, " Come, 
 young gentleman," addressing Sir Charles Sed- 
 ley* — ^^ you can carve ^ so break up this capon ,•" 
 
 * Sir Chades Sedley, a dramatic writer, but more 
 celebrated as a hon vivant and a wit. He was one of 
 the constellation at the Court, of which the Dukes 
 of Buckingham and Rochester were superior stars. 
 His works were chiefly written for his amusement He 
 was, however, the least indecorous of that school of 
 literary licentiousness, which will for ever disgrace the 
 age of Charles the Debonnaire. 
 
 His works consist of plays, translations, songs, 
 prologues, epilogues, and little occasional pieces. The 
 softness of his verses is characterised by the Duke of 
 Buckingham, who calls them " Sedley' s Witchcraft;'* 
 and the art of intimating loose principles, in neat and 
 decent language, is thus ascribed to him by the Karl 
 of Rochester : —
 
 davenant's round table. 177 
 
 when Nokes, with his accustomed gravity, added, 
 " Yes, * he can carve too, and Hsp,^ " which 
 happening to be the fact, excited great merri- 
 ment ; for the young knight, though a gentle- 
 man in his manner and address, was a Httle 
 foppish, and affected in his speech. He however 
 laughed heartily at the comical Nokes ; and, 
 turning to D'Urfey, said, " Tom, cannot you 
 lielp ine out?" when, with his accustomed 
 promptitude, D'Urfey lisped, with the voice and 
 gesture of his appellant, '' ' Let's carve him as 
 a dish Jit for the gods, and not hew him as a 
 carcase Jit ' ; further I will not go,*" said 
 
 " Sedley has that prevailing, gentle art. 
 That can with a resistless charna impart 
 The loosest wishes to the chastest heart; 
 Raise such a conflict, kindle such a fire 
 Betwixt declining virtue and desire." &c. &c. 
 
 Jones's Biog. Diet. 
 
 It has been held by some, that the latter part of his 
 life was decorous, if not exemplary. He, however, 
 was a bon vivavt to the last, and died, as a poet ex- 
 presses it, '' with a jest in his mouth, and a tear in 
 his eye."
 
 178 davenant's round table. 
 
 D'Urfey, " in such good company; so now, 
 Sir Cliarles, I think we have cut and carved our 
 bard to the bone, so I shall be most happy to 
 take a glass of wine with you." 
 
 " He calls f 07' wine : ' a health,^ quoth he, ' as 
 if he had been aboard, carousing to his mates 
 
 after a storm.' Why, what a d d impudent 
 
 vice president," said Sedley, a little nettled at 
 D'Urfey's freedom. " However, ' give me a 
 bowl of wine ;' " so filling his glass, and smiling 
 at the mad-pate, he rejoined — " ' in this I biinj 
 all unMndness, Cassius.' ' 
 
 *' Bravo ! better and better," said DUrfey. 
 " Why, my noble manager, we are all god-sons 
 of the same sponsor, all cygnets of the old swan 
 of Avon. Why, good master o' mine, other- 
 wise thrice noble Sir Will, damme but we could 
 knock up any piece of the old bards at five 
 minute's warning ; know him all by heart — note 
 him, and quote him, drunk or sober, fluently as 
 the Christmas bellmen do their verses. So now, 
 Sir Charley, boy, as your hand is in, do me the 
 civility to help me to a pinion bone of one of 
 those capons, together with a shapeable slice of 
 the breast upon it : and if such things be not in
 
 davenant's round table. 179 
 
 general request, with tlie addition of the last 
 vertebrce of the * rumpty-umpty-iddle-dy,' with 
 the appurtenances thereunto belonging, alias the 
 ' parsojis nose,' truly cognomened, by the lord."" 
 
 '' Tom Cormorant! Perhaps, Tom, you 
 would prefer the dish, and divide the rumptv- 
 umpty for yourself. There, Sir ; now I hope I 
 have carved to your satisfaction : will you have 
 the other ? " 
 
 " All in good time," said D'Urfey, laughing 
 as his thoughts arose. " ' -^Va^/, you need not stop 
 your fwse, Sir ; I spake but by a metaphor.' — 
 Hilloa ! you boy," addressing the drawer, who 
 was removing the dishes, " leave that capon — 
 I shall take t'other. Pray show your skill in 
 dissecting that also. I would spare your labour ; 
 but, ' / am weak in toil, yet strong in appetite.^ 
 What have we for the next course ? sweetbreads 
 and crinkum-crankums. Come, that is pretty. 
 Mark you, lad, remember the devil'd kidnies, 
 and tell the cook not to forget the toasted 
 cheese. — That cook's a treasure, gentlemen, only 
 that he is growing fat too fast, the rogue ; he 
 stuffs so damnably. ' Take physic, you fool,' 
 said I ; ' I know better, my master, said he 
 I 3
 
 180 davenant's round table. 
 
 ' This is your allegiance, hey ? Sir Puffabout 
 Dripping-pan,' said I. The fellow is honest, 
 too, for he owns that Master Tom D'Urfey 
 made him an artisV 
 
 " Wheugh ! '' whistled Mohun, " what a 
 Ixyuncer, Master Tom ; why the said cusinier 
 swears you are always poking and purring about 
 the lai'der, and know no more of the art than his 
 turn- spit." 
 
 " Says he so ! " rephed D'Urfey : " just of 
 a piece with the world. All gratitude, like 
 dead men's tavern-scores, is clean wiped out ; 
 and acknowledgment, admission, and confession 
 are snoring on the shelf of forgetfulness. N'im- 
 porte. Poor fellow, like old Caleb, our worthy 
 host, he is getting fat-headed, apoplectic, and 
 losing his memory." 
 
 " Very like, very like, my D'Urfey/' said 
 Davenant, " but our hostess says the same." 
 
 " Yea," added Nokes, " and vows she'll 
 have a dish-clout pinn'd to his tail." 
 
 " The worse luck," replied Tom, who cared 
 not a straw for the bantering. " O I here is 
 mine host." At this moment old Caleb set 
 before the president a dish of macaroni. This
 
 davenant's round table. 181 
 
 was fortunate for the wit. '' There now, mine 
 host of the Devil, on your word, as a loyal 
 subject, did I, or did I not, teach the art and 
 mystery of cooking this Italian dish to that cook 
 of thine ? ' And do but marl: the countenance 
 that he Kill give me J ' " 
 
 " Certainly you did, Master D'Urfey." 
 
 " That is hearty ! — prime I — my noble tapster. 
 Boy, bring your master a clean glass. Come, 
 my honest host," fiUing that and his own, 
 '• here's long life to us, and may we live a 
 thousand years." 
 
 " Thank you. Master D'Urfey. Here is my 
 humble service to you, gentlemen, and I hope 
 you approve of the wine." 
 
 " Very good — very excellent,'"* said Dave- 
 nan t. 
 
 " Very good ! " echoed D'Urfey, '* why 'tis 
 supernaculum. Pray, Master Caleb, how old 
 may this good stuff be .? " 
 
 " VVhy, Sir, I ought to remember, I laid it 
 in the very spring when Barrister Prynne put 
 down my old sign, and that was in the black 
 year forty- nine, when they ended the troubles of
 
 182 DAVENANTS ROUND TABLE. 
 
 our late king. So, Gentlemen, it is eleven years 
 old, and about two months." 
 
 " Give me your hand, my worthy Anno 
 Domini ; here's a tablet ; here's a notable score- 
 keeper.'' 
 
 " What a weathercock. But a minute since, 
 mine host," said Mohun, " and that wine-bibber 
 was abusing your memory. ' 
 
 " Ha-ha-ha, mine host knows a trkJc ivmili 
 tzvo o' that. Your living memory, Master Caleb ; 
 but, were you gone the way of all flesh, if your 
 memory should lack a kind record, then may 
 small beer be my potion all the days of my 
 pilgrimage." 
 
 '* Old Caleb smiled, and bowing, left the 
 roo)ii ; when Nokes, groaning and turning up 
 his eyes, exclaimed, " What reprobate ever 
 before ' Made such a sinnei' of his meviorij to 
 credit Ms own lie / ' " 
 
 " And I don't write his life, on the hope of 
 survivorship, there is no ' Virtue whipp\l out of' 
 cmirt.'' So note you that, too, my masters. At 
 the same time, good Sir William, do spare me a 
 spoonful or so of that macaroni ; there, my
 
 davenant's round table. 183 
 
 knight, don't be sparing, there's more pickles in 
 tlie shop. Confound that cook-fellow's Jobber- 
 nowl, he is so brave of his butter, and parsi- 
 monious of his parmesan. Boy, fetch me the 
 Italian cheese: and ho! a grater. You may 
 laugh, governor; but if the whole kitchen con- 
 clave could toast a slice of cheese fit to bait a 
 mouse-trap, until I hammered it into their 
 noddles, there's never a cuckold in Christendom/' 
 
 Thus tlie social guests made merry, until the 
 cloth was removed, when the table was covered 
 with a dessert worthy the occasion. The meet- 
 ing was convoked by Uavenant, to treat with 
 poets and players, or rather to muster the corps 
 dramatique, previously to opening the play- 
 house in Lincoln's-Inn-FJelds, which had been 
 shut up during the Interregnum. 
 
 Indeed, pending this long and gloomy period, 
 Thalia never smiled, and Melpomene deprived of 
 her mask, retired to weep at the moving tragedy 
 of real life *. 
 
 * King Charles II. owed it to the players to give his 
 countenance to the stage, for the actors had shewn
 
 1S4 davexant's round table. 
 
 " Come, gentlemen, who's for punch ? said 
 D'Urfey, as tlie landlord placed a noble bowl on 
 the table ; " what say you, Mister President, 
 shall I do the honours ? for you gentlemen there 
 seem to be in the wine way. Come, Sir William, 
 we are waiting for your toast ; are you all filled, 
 
 tlieir devotion to the cause of his royal father, almost 
 all of them, who were not past the vigour of life, 
 having served in the royal army. Indeed it is record- 
 ed to the honour of the stage, that only one actor was 
 known not to have interested himself in the cause of 
 the king. His name was Sivaiiston, and he seceded 
 from religious motives. 
 
 The first formidable attack against stage- players, 
 
 was made by Prynne, in 1633, from which period the 
 
 interests of the drama began to decline, and continued 
 
 from bad to worse, until a short time previous to the 
 
 Restoration. 
 
 Rhodes, who had been wardrobe keeper to the com- 
 pany at Black-friars, and by trade a bookseller, as 
 soon as the city of London and Monk's army were 
 friends, ventured to fit up the Cock-pit, the old theatre 
 in Drury Lane, for the exhibition of plays ; Betterton 
 and Kynaston had been his apprentices. 
 
 Many actors had been killed, or disabled, in the 
 recent, civil wars. Some had died, and others were 
 grown old : hence it was difficult to muster a new
 
 davenant's rou-nd table. 185 
 
 gentlemen.'' " All, all." "■ Then," said the 
 president, rising from his seat, and all following, 
 " here is his Majesty King Charles the Second, 
 and may his reign be more prosperous than that 
 of his royal father's, of blessed memory." 
 
 company. It was Rhodes's performers whicli recruited 
 the corps, mustered under the banner of Sir William 
 Davenant. Killegrew's company was established 
 afterwards. 
 
 In 1648, a short time after the beheading of the 
 king, ordinances were issued from the parliament, 
 prohibiting all future dramatic exhibitions. Stages, 
 benches, seals, and galleries were then ordered to be 
 pulled down and demolished ; and all players, though 
 calling themselves (as heretofore licenced) the king's 
 or queen's servants, were to be punished as rogues and 
 vagabonds ; and the money received from the audience 
 at the doors, was to be given to the poor of the parish, 
 and every spectator was to pay a fine of five shiUings, 
 also, for the use of the poor. 
 
 Shortly alter this proclamation, a company exhi- 
 biting The Bloody Brothers — Lowing Tayler, Pollard, 
 Burt, and Hart, the best performers of the time, and 
 others, were surprised by a party of soldiers, in the 
 midst of the piece, and, habited in the stage costume, 
 were taken before the magistrates at Hatton-house,
 
 186 davenant's round table. 
 
 " Amen," said Ingoldsby, " Hip, hip, hip— 
 Huzza, huzza, huzza-a-a." At this instant, 
 there was heard a magnificent flourish of trum- 
 
 where they were stripped of their finery, and let loose 
 half-naked. 
 
 The distress which ensued among the followers of 
 this profession must necessarily have put them to their 
 wits end to procure a living. The war ended, many 
 betook themselves to other occupations. Pollard had 
 saved money, and died just before the Restoration at a 
 great age. Lowin kept an Inn, the Three Pigeons, at 
 Brentford. Taylor opened a little shop at Richmond. 
 Perkins and Sumner, two other stage worthies, were 
 partners in some concern at Clerkenwell ; all of whom 
 died shortly after each other, and at a very advanced 
 age. 
 
 hi 1684, the two companies, Davenant's and Kille- 
 grew's, became united, from whence "the patent for 
 Davenant's theatre descended as regularly," says 
 Dibdin, *•' as a personal estate ; having been bequeath- 
 ed to Dr. Charles Davenant, by him assigned to his 
 brother Alexander, who sold his interest to Christopher 
 Rich, a lawyer ; from him it came to his son, who left 
 it to his four daughters, of whom it was purchased by 
 Colman and his friends, and with this patent and this 
 interest it seems descended also the dormant patent of 
 Killeffrew."
 
 davenant's round table. 1S7 
 
 jiets, which startled the party, but much more the 
 g«ests in the other apartments of the tavern/ 
 This was schemed by old Caleb, who had pre- 
 pared the trumpeters to blow a blast, when they 
 heard the party huzza, and which they attended 
 to under the word of command from their new 
 Serjeant trumpeter^ Mister Mordecai. No sooner 
 was this explained to the various guests, than 
 every party were heard in succession huzzaing to 
 the health of the sovereign : the house was one 
 entire scene of feasting, hilarity, and loyalty. 
 
 " I long to have a peep at our sovereign," 
 said Sandford, " what an immense concourse 
 will be out to-morrow : the sight will be seen 
 through rivers of tears," wiping one from his 
 own eye, under cover of using his handkerchief 
 for his nose. 
 
 " Yes, Sir," said Ingoldsby, "it will be an 
 affecting spectacle." 
 
 " Particularly," said D'Urfey, who could not 
 endure a grave thought, and perceiving the sub- 
 ject taking a serious complexion ; when turning 
 to Sandford, who broached it, " particularly 
 my old Saracen, if you should thrust your 
 stage phiz in front of the balcony.' 
 
 " There would be a cry of treason and miu'-
 
 18S DAVEN ant's round TABLE, 
 
 der,'' added Nokes, " and mine host would be 
 presented again." This was uttered so gravely, 
 that Sandford laughed, and so did all the jovial 
 party, and mirth was suddenly restored again. 
 
 " That was well-timed, Tom," said Alohun, 
 ^' ' Put on your boldest suit of mirth, for we 
 have friends that purpose merriment' " 
 
 " Come, Tom, cannot you muster a song on 
 the occasion, or are you too far gone ?" said 
 Leigh. 
 
 " What shall it be, of love or murder ?" en- 
 quired D'Urfey. 
 
 " Come try your ready money muse, Tom," 
 replied Sedley, " let us have an impromptu^ 
 
 " Here goes then, b*it first let us try the 
 punch," said Tom, " I never can taste the first 
 glass. Come, gentlemen, fall in, fall in,'' col- 
 lecting their glasses, and filling them bumpers. 
 " Here's, Forget and forgive, and better times 
 to us. 
 
 " Come old Captain Scararaouche, 
 Roke up the fire amain, 
 
 And, ho, tapster, bring us a log ; 
 For I hold him a sinner 
 Who mumps after dinner, 
 
 Refusing to club for his grog.
 
 davenant's round table. 189 
 
 Ho ! bring us tobacco, boys, 
 Bring us long pipes again, 
 
 . And landlord replenish the bo-o-o-owl ; 
 Who'd not sit in a cellar, 
 With any good fellow, 
 
 And drink him as drunk as an owl. 
 
 Come here's Jioh and nob, my boys, 
 Bring us clean glasses, ho ; 
 
 The whilst the bells merrily ring : 
 To-night drown all sorrow, 
 Hmicj old Care to-morrow, 
 
 So here's to the Church and the King. 
 
 And he that declines the toast. 
 Is not a Briton, boys, 
 
 Now we're so jovial and free-e-e-e. 
 Round-head or Cavalier, 
 Such have no business here, 
 
 Among such good fellows as we." 
 
 " Bravo, Tom, bravo/' exclaimed Davtnant. 
 
 " An excellent impromptu," added Ingolds- 
 by. " Capital, very good," cried every one. 
 
 '• And right to the purpose," said Nokes. 
 '' Now Tom, I revoke. The wit is not in the 
 wig, but in the wine. Take my advice, Tom, 
 never write again, play the Improvisatore ;
 
 190 davExXAxt's round table. 
 
 'twill save a world of trouble, and as you contrive 
 to be pretty equably drunk, you can carry on 
 the war over the bottle, ' Live by the bottle, 
 and die by the bowl/ " 
 
 ^ " Come, Master Nokes, let me have no more 
 of your preachment from that text — hie — let it 
 
 alone if you please, I've sung my song, now 
 
 I shall call upon you, my boy, for a madrigal, 
 or a ditty, or a story, or a toast, or what you 
 please, only my drowsy shard, do not run us so 
 hard upou the goose quill, because am I not a 
 poet by trade, profession, or calling ; and am I 
 not going to offer my services, together with my 
 nine old tits, to the manager there ! Damme, 
 I met my old master, old Prynne, the other 
 day, and said I to him, your humble servant. 
 Sir, hie — (hiccoughing) your humble-cum- 
 stumble master — hic.^' 
 
 " Come, come, Tom, you are going it too 
 fast," said Leigh. 
 
 The rattle, as usual when he presided o'er the 
 bowl, his wits would depend on the turn of a 
 glass. He was now becoming non compos, yet 
 after losing himself awhile, he would rally again 
 and be drunk and sober by turns ; until he
 
 davenant's round table. 191 
 
 brouglit himself up to an equable pitch, it were 
 difficult to say whether he was drunk or sober. 
 
 " I met old what's his name there, that puri- 
 tanical old son of a w e, who wrote his 
 
 Hid — Histri — Hisfrio Mastix,* and blowcd 
 
 * Histrio Mastix ; or, Player s Scourge. This work, 
 written by Piynne, and published in 1G33, was a most 
 wanton, furious, and illiberal attack upon the drama, 
 players, and all those who favoured them. He 
 attacked the amusements of the elegant court of King 
 Charles the First, in the same blind and illiberal 
 spirit of the fanaticism of the times. He says that 
 " Princes dancing in their own persons was the 
 cause of their untimely ends. That our English 
 ladies, shorn and frizzled madams, (such as Vandyke 
 has represented them) had lost their modesty ; that 
 plays were the chief deUght of the devil, and all who 
 frequented them were damned." These last chari- 
 table reflections were aimed at the king and queen, 
 who performed in those elegant masques, which were 
 performed at Whitehall, written by Ben Jonson and 
 others, with the music by Copperario, Laniere. and 
 other celebrated composers, and exhibited with the 
 scenery and decorations by Inisfo Jones. 
 
 His antipathy for music, is vented in terms no less 
 unqualified. " Cathedral music," he compares to the
 
 192 davenant's roUxN'd table. 
 
 up all you sons of Thespis. « Well my old boy,' 
 said I, ' how goes tlie times ?' ' Thou art a sot 
 and a reprobate, Tom/ said he, ' thou wert a 
 pro-pro-promising young man, and you had 
 better have pursued your pursu— Azc — pur- 
 suits.' Damme, Nokes, do you know that I 
 said the best thing in the world to him. * Why 
 did you not stick to the law T said he. Its old 
 barrister Prynne I am talking about, you dog. 
 ' So I do governor,' said I, A?c, ' I am always 
 engaged at the bar^ * Fye, fye, Tom,' said the 
 
 " bleating of brute beasts. The choristers bellow the 
 tenor, as if they were oxen ; bark a counterpart, like 
 a kennel of hounds ; roar a treble as if they were 
 bulls; and grunt out a bass, like a parcel of hogs." 
 
 This book was considered so atrocious a libel, that 
 it was adjudged to be burnt by the hands of the com- 
 mon hangman, and its author was sentenced to be put 
 from the bar, excluded from the Society of Lincoln's 
 Inn, and degraded by the University of Oxford ; to 
 stand in the pillory at Westminster and Cheapside, to 
 lose an ear at each place ; to be fined five thousand 
 pounds, and to perpetual imprisonment. A cruel 
 sentence, and, considering the zealotry of the times, 
 more cruelly put in force to tlie very letter.
 
 davexant's pound table. 193 
 
 old shaver. Damme, there's honesty about him, 
 too. He tells people their own, and if every 
 rascal — hic^ hie — had his desert, there are rogues 
 in this house, who'd have no more ears to shake 
 than he. Is'nt it so, Master Nokes? Come 
 give us your song, and let us take a glass of 
 punch together. Hillo— you tapster boy — 
 drawer, what's your name — hie — come, replenish 
 the bowl." 
 
 At this moment who should enter but the 
 two Killegrews, he the manager elect of the 
 King's company, and his brother, who had lately 
 come from Breda, in the suite of the King. 
 
 " Ha-ha-ha-ha, replenish the bowl ! Why 
 my DUrfey, hast been sitting there ever since ? 
 Ha-ha-ha, why, the lastwords I ever heard from 
 my old friend Tom, were from that chair, and 
 over that very bowl. I know it by the golden 
 rivet — the mended fracture across the old man- 
 darin. Why Tom, that is now two years since, 
 within a day or two. Why, if the bibber has 
 not been sitting" at it from that hour to this ! 
 Well, and my D'Urfey, how wags the world 
 with thee ; and f^ow do ye my worthies all T' 
 
 " What ! my noble Killegrews 1' exclaimed 
 
 VOL. I. K
 
 194 davenant's round table. 
 
 Mohun, " come gentlemen, come gentlemen, let 
 us make room," when the brothers took their 
 seats at the festive board. 
 
 " A little too late for the feast," saidD'Urfey, 
 turning round and offering his hand, "but 
 there's plenty of prog in the larder, my nobles, 
 and ho boy I I rule the roast here. Master Kil- 
 legrew ; come lay the cloth on that small table 
 there, and, hie — I'll carve for you, gentlemen ; 
 bring the pigeon-pie, and the et ceteras. Upon 
 my honour, hie — I am ashamed of you — you. Sir 
 William, a gentleman of ' So high and plenteous 
 wit and invention^' as your god-dad says, hie — 
 not to have bidden the two Master Kil — Kil — 
 Killegrews to our feast. Tapster, hip, why 
 what are them rascally trum^peters about? 
 Here's the manager of the kings own earn- 
 pany^ and King Charles's avant courier come 
 over, by Jove, and no salute. Bid the rebels 
 come up, — have they not filled their paunches 
 yet .'' O, your trumpeters are such guzzling 
 rogues. Come, my noble Killegrews, let me 
 fill your glasses, my boys, and you Kill-joy, 
 old Nokes, come, put forward the glasses. We 
 shall be alive now that the Kill — Kill — KilU
 
 davenant's round table. 195 
 
 urns are corae. So," taking his glass, " here's 
 to you, my nobles of the house of ." 
 
 Here the old trumpeter made his appearance, 
 when D"Urfey, turning round, exclaimed, 
 " ' With brazen din h'ast you the city's ears.'' 
 Am I to find you quarters, and feast you — you 
 varlets, and have none of your services ? ' Blow 
 loud,' you reprobate old sinner, ' Blow loud," 
 no, hie, damme that is an invocation to the 
 trumpet, and not to the trumpeter. ' Blow 
 i^ud, send thy brass voice through all these 
 lazy tents.' This is verily, the dullest night, 
 the most spiritless — Come my merry trumpeters, 
 give us a flourish." 
 
 ** I have no trumpet, your worship,'' said the 
 trumpeter. " That Jew is a heathen and a Phi- 
 listine, and — hie, hie — lives not in the fear of 
 the Lord." 
 
 " No trumpet ! that's comical. Hear you 
 that, Sir William ? Why thou art verily an 
 useless piece of non-entity. No trumpet ! my 
 old buceinator. What, ho ! then you are that 
 preaching old tyke, whom Mother Fox gave 
 such a drubbing. Did you never hear that 
 story. Master Killegrew : how the old she 
 K 2
 
 196 davenant's round table. 
 
 quaker met Oliver Cromwell's trumpeter, dis- 
 mounted, in the lane, and under a hedge ! hie, 
 I wont expose you, my old one, by telling what 
 you were doing there, and broke his head with 
 his own trumpet. Ha-ha-ha, 'twas at Marston 
 Moor, by G— d I" 
 
 " That story is not the fact, your worship, 
 it is the invention of the drunken, hie — repro- 
 bate ca— cava — liers." 
 
 " That is mutiny, flat mutiny," said Tom, 
 " and ril have you tried by a court-martial. Ha- 
 ha-ha, 1 know you. Mister Hold-me-fast, you are 
 one of the elect. Well, well, I hope the house has ' 
 taken care of you, and well stored your carnal 
 appetite. But, Master Hold-me-fast, you are 
 not sober, hie — hie — and that is not very saintly. 
 Is this one of your Puritanical maxims } I'm 
 sorry, very sorry, IVIaster Hold-me-fast, to see a 
 man of your years, with no more discretion. 
 But hold, do you hear this, mister president, no 
 trumpet ! how the devil, why, what has Mister 
 ^lordecai been about ? Soho, Mister Jew, — I 
 must enquire into this," and leaving the vice- 
 president's chair, waved his hand to the old 
 trumpeter, crying, " attention, dismiss, ^^ when
 
 davenant's round table. 197 
 
 he departed, staggering to his quarters, followed 
 by D'Urfey, who instead of proceeding thither, 
 halted at the bar, to have a gossip with mine 
 host, for perceiving a fine portly guest, and a 
 handsome female acquaintance at supper in the 
 bar, with Caleb Johnson and his wife, and the 
 table well covered with smoking eatables and 
 wine, the temptation was irresistible ; in he 
 went, totally forgetting the object of his mission 
 to the quarters of the trumpeters. " What ! my 
 friend Ferabosco !* how goes it, my loyal 
 Ludovico ? Ah ! and madam too ! The two 
 handsomest hostesses in all his majesty's domi- 
 nions ! What ! come up to see the king make 
 his grand entre I That is as it should be — hie — 
 Why this will be gazetted, will get into one of 
 our Mercurysf. The two loyal — loyal — loy- 
 
 * Ludovico Ferabosco, son of one of the late king's 
 musicians, and grandson of Ferabosco, the celebrated 
 Italian musician, retained by King Henry VIII. He 
 was the loyal host of the St. Christopher Inn, at Eton, 
 of whom more hereafter. 
 
 t The News-papers or Gazettes at this period were 
 called Mercurys. They were published by both
 
 198 davenant's round table. 
 
 alest, — hie — tavern-keepers in the land, and their 
 two comely spouses.'' 
 
 " Why, Master D'Urfe}?, what, Sir, have you 
 quitted your company, quitted your chair. Sir?'" 
 enquired old Caleb, Avith a smile, perceiving the 
 mad-cap was a little in his cups. 
 
 " Why no, you rogue — God bless thee. 
 Master Caleb, not a bit of it. Hie — I heard 
 who you had got for guests, and so said I to 
 the president — no — kern, that*s not the fact 
 exactly. So, said I to myself, what if I do'nt 
 steal an opportunity to walk out, and just step 
 in, and ask Madam Ferabosco how she does ? 
 Well so, my good lady, and how do you find 
 yourself, madam, in these times ? Hie — we shall 
 
 parties. The parliamentariares, however, derived in- 
 calculable support from a paper entitled Mercurius 
 Poiiticus, edited by the powerful pen of Marchamont 
 Xeedham, and which appeared weekly for more than 
 ten years. This writer, by the numerous converts 
 which he made, was styled the Gohath of the cause. 
 
 Mercurius Rusticus, or the Country's Complaint, 
 which as a journal of the excesses committed by the 
 republicans, was in much repute among the loyal 
 party.
 
 davenant's round table. 199 
 
 have glorious days again, God bless his majesty. 
 So, ladies, drawer, bring nie a chair — a chair, I 
 say. What, Johnson, do you suppose I am 
 not going to sit and — hie — pay my devoirs to 
 the ladies ? I know you thought so, you rogue, 
 or you would have desired the boy to place me 
 a seat. Well, gentlemen, it's now your day 
 once more. Open house, hie — at all the loyal 
 taverns, and open play-house once more at 
 Lincoln's Inn. Ladies, at any time, only give 
 me one half-hour's notice, and I'll give you free 
 admissions — free of all— Aic — charge, in the 
 stage boxes. Davenant and I are sworn bro- 
 thers, and as for Master Killegrew, why he 
 opens at the Phoenix, and Tom Killegrew, and 
 Harry Killegrew, and Tom D'Urfey, were 
 always — hie — inseparable. So, I am ready to 
 squire you, ladies, any night, when the season 
 commences." 
 
 " You are very good. Mister D'Urfey,"" said 
 Mistress Ferabosco, " I am sure it is very 
 kind ; I should like to see a play above all 
 things, but, most of all, a deep tragedy." 
 
 " That is the mark ! I like your taste," said 
 D'Urfey, " and 111 write one on purpose, and
 
 200 DAVEN ant's round TABLE. 
 
 dedicate it to the handsome hostess of the Chris- 
 topher : Davenant wants a good tragedy, and so 
 does Harry Killegi'ew, and the other shall be 
 dedicated to you, my kind Mistress Johnson :• 
 therefore, boy, give me a glass, therefore — hie — 
 let me have the pleasure to take wine with you, 
 ladies, and if you please, we will toast the 
 king.' 
 
 " That we will, with all our hearts,"' said the 
 comely hostesses. Tom was a great favourite. 
 *' And we Nvill join you, if you have no objec- 
 tion,"' said the hosts. 
 
 " Come, my noble boys, then, there is no 
 reason but we may fill bumpers — The king ! 
 ladies. This is capital stuff. Master Caleb, 
 though ! — hie — I'm in high luck. You gentle- 
 men vintners know where to prick for a prize 
 in the saw-dust. I'll taste another glass, if you 
 have no objection."" 
 
 '* With all our liearts,'" returned the jolly 
 landlords. " Come,"' says Tom, " let us hob 
 and 7206 : Here's to the right worshipful com- 
 pany of Vintners, and may they flourish and 
 improve as they grow old, like — hie — the juice 
 of the grape."'
 
 davenant's round table. 201 
 
 Says Bacchus one day to his flame Ariadne, 
 Come gossip, and fill rae a cup of good wine, 
 
 ! her cheeks were so soft. 
 
 And her lips were so rosy, 
 And her breath you'd compare to the fresh bud- 
 ding vine. 
 Fair maid, shall we goto the cool grot or cavern. 
 Talk of love and the like, 'till the evening shall 
 close. 
 
 And when night falls, set off 
 
 Arm in arm to the Tavern, 
 The Devil^ the Christophery Tun, or the Rose. 
 
 Now the gay Ariadne, a little coquettish, 
 
 Cried, la ! Master Bacchus, what will the world say ! 
 
 When the bibber he reddened. 
 
 And seem'd to be pettish. 
 And breaking his goblet, he bade her good day : 
 But turning again, his displeasure now coohng. 
 His thyrsis he shook, and he took her fair hand. 
 
 Saying, — hie — ' maiden, fond lovers 
 
 Are apt to be fooling. 
 Bid me sta\j with a smile , or a frown will com- 
 mand.' 
 
 When up stepped Mercury with his caduceus 
 With wings at his skull-cap , and wings at his henls. 
 Ho ! ho ! cried the tell-tale, ri-tum-ti-tum-ti-tum- 
 tity. 
 
 h3
 
 202 davenant's round table. 
 
 " Ah, there's enough of it. If you two jolly 
 Bacchanalian tapsters will not be knighted by 
 the king, then Til be whipped all the way from 
 London to Eton ! aye — from St. Dunstan to 
 St. Christopher.'' 
 
 " Nay, nay, Sir, that is an excellent song, 
 Master D'Urfey, and you have not finished it," 
 said the jovial innkeeper. 
 
 " There is no more of it, there is no more ; 
 no more — A?c— upon honour." 
 
 " Nay, nay," said Mrs. Ferabosco, " you 
 left oiFin the midst.'' " Do now. Mister D'Urfey, 
 now pray do favour us w^ith the end of it," 
 added Mrs. Johnson. 
 
 " On the honour of a poet and a gentleman, 
 my fair ladies," said D''Urfey, laying his hand 
 on his bosom, " there is not one single word 
 more. 'Tis an impromptu — hie — inspired by the 
 ladies of the Inn. However, I will call upon 
 my nine tits, and we'll finish it, and then, we'll 
 prick it to music, and Apollo shall strum it on 
 his lyre ; I always sing best to an accompani- 
 ment ; but as I was saying, my masters, as sure as 
 the king, God bless him, is coming to-morrow 
 it will be — /i/c -rise up. Sir Caleb Johnson ;
 
 DAVENANT'S ROUND TABLE. 203 
 
 as for you, my old friend, Ferabosco, you nuisi 
 wait 'till his majesty reaches Eton, and then it 
 will be Sir Ludovico, alias the loyal knight qf 
 Saint Kits (Christopher) — meanwhile, I offer 
 myself as god-father to your next little pretty 
 ones, ladies." 
 
 " AVell !" said Mrs. Johnson, " but that is 
 an old engagement. 
 
 " True," replied D'Urfey, " I am always at 
 your service. If they should happen to be boys — 
 liic — I'll provide for them at the court, if they 
 have fine parts. Or I may say a kind word for 
 them to my friend Apollo ; and if they should 
 happen to be maids— /nc — God bless their pretty 
 hearts ! then I must put them to school to the 
 Graces, or place them under the guardianship 
 of my nine tits." 
 
 " He-he-he-ha-ha-ha, you are so gay. Mister 
 D'Urfey," said Mrs. Ferabosco. You gentle- 
 men poets, I'm almost afraid to ask, — Pray who 
 are these nine, ivhat are they called, INlistress 
 Johnson ? " - " Tits,'' answered the laughing 
 hostess, " he-he-he-ha^ha-ha." 
 
 " Now, I know you ladies — your curi 
 
 hie — curiosity. Now, would you not like to
 
 204 DAVENANT*S ROUND TABLE. 
 
 know who these ladies may be ? They are no 
 more, nor no less, than my mistresses r 
 
 " Fye-o-fye, you rattle !"" exclaimed Mrs. 
 Johnson. 
 
 " Why, Master D'Urfey, hey !'' said old 
 Caleb, " you are as great a gallant as the king/' 
 
 " All virtuous, beautiful, staid, excellent 
 creatures— Aic — pon my honour f' again placing 
 his hand on his bosom ; " ladies of most 
 exemplary reputation. I'll tell you their names, 
 and where they reside when they are at home ; 
 who was their father — hie — and who their 
 mother." 
 
 " Ha-ha-ha, what all sisters, hey, Master 
 D'Urfey ? O ! Sir, every one knows you to be a 
 wag,"" said Caleb Johnson. 
 
 " Yes,'' returned D'Urfey. " First and firstly 
 — hie — there's j\Iiss — but — hie — suppose we 
 have the pleasure to take a glass of wine together, 
 gentlemen, thank you, Johnson, let us drink to 
 mad moiselle Clio, and all her beautiful sisters, 
 the daughters of old Jupiter and Mnemosyne.'^ 
 
 " O ! " said Mrs. Ferabosco, " the nine 
 muses ! I've found you out. Sir." 
 
 " To be sure my dear," said D'Urfey ; " did
 
 davenant's roujvd table. 205 
 
 you suppose I could think to introduce my god- 
 daughters to any but the first company, bless 
 your innocent souls, you — all your sex. I love 
 you all when you are good, and good wives, and 
 virtuous, like my good Mistress Johnson. Here, 
 Johnson, give me your hand, my worthy ; 
 now, let us have t'other glass, and hear what I 
 have to say,— thank ye, — a bumper my worthy, 
 — there — thank ye. Look you, Johnson, you 
 have as good and as excellent a creature, — Fll 
 not flatter — hic — Fll be shot if I do ; but, if a 
 good woman — married — beautiful — hie — virtu- 
 ous and chaste, is not an angel in these times — 
 an angel my worthy cock, in every attribute, 
 only wanting wings; which, God forbid — for, 
 if they were to fly away from us reprobate men, 
 this would be as dull and gloomy a stale as the 
 shores of the Styjc. Yes ! a good wife — virtuous 
 — chaste — gentle, and all that, you understand 
 me, as Shakspeare says. I am a bachelor, ergo, 
 of no manner of use, you see, ladies, — none, xvo 
 more than half a pair of scissars ; but, if I had 
 a help-mate like my kind Mistress here, God 
 bless her, or your better half, Ferabosco, the pret- 
 ty creatures — hic — I would not part with either,
 
 206 DAVENANT'S ROUND TABLE. 
 
 no, if heaven would make me ^iich another world, 
 of one entire and perfect chrysolite''' 
 
 " Well ! you are very polite, indeed, Mister 
 D'Urfey ; you always speak well of wedlock, I 
 will say that for you, which is more than one 
 can say of most of you bachelor gentlemen.'"' 
 
 " Lord love you, Madam Johnson — Yes I to 
 be sure I do ! wherefore should I not ? — hie, — 
 I love all good women, all, by Jupiter ! all, 
 married and single, and if I wash is majesty — 
 hie — if I would not marry every good woman in 
 all my three kingdoms ! — if, mind me — if they 
 were good and virtuous, for what is life — I ask 
 you, my two nobles, you Johnson, and you my 
 honest Ludovico, what unhappy fellows would 
 you be, yes — hie — with all your loyalty, my 
 hearties, — but for your wives ? Now remember 
 that, remember who tells you so. No less than 
 a scholar, a poet, and a gen — gentl — hie — gentle- 
 man, you rogues. Well, but to be brief, my 
 Ferabosco, and how^ goes all old friends, at the 
 Christopher ? I promise to make one amongst 
 you, my boy. What, and do all the old quondam 
 choristers still rendezvous in the Apollo ? What 
 is old Laniere in the land of the living yet, and
 
 davenant's round table. 207 
 
 Master Cooke ? ah — hie — he is a prime spark, 
 he was a captain, bears a commission. If the king 
 don't provide for him — why then — hie — I shall 
 say that his majesty is no judge of music, and 
 does not know his friends from his foes." 
 
 *' La ! Mister D'Urfey, why Captain Cook, 
 was at our house this very morning, and came 
 with us in the same coach from Windsor : 
 and so did Master Laniere, to see the sight to- 
 morrow."" 
 
 " That is good, by Jupiter. Come, my royal 
 vintners, let us drink to the worthies ; come ladies 
 — nay — half a glass to two such loyal subjects. 
 There now — only half a glass. Remember my 
 excellent — good — dear ladies, we shall never live 
 to see another occasion like this ; the vigil of 
 the restoration, of such a king ; the finest, most 
 generous, such a patron of the fair ! — ladies, 
 you'll have it all your oicn xvay now, so liere's 
 to my old friends, Cooke and Laniere, two 
 better fellows and — hie — worthier gents, you 
 shall not overtake in a day's march.'" 
 
 " Ah, that was a sad affair of his brother. 
 Master Laniere, Master D'Urfey," said Fera- 
 bosco.
 
 208 DAVENANT'S ROUND TABLE. 
 
 " Yes, I own it, a melancholy business, sure 
 enough,' replied D'Urfey ; but— 7iic — I have 
 forgotten exactly what it was. What — what of 
 him, my gay fellow ?" 
 
 " Why did you not know that he was killed 
 on the field, near the late king, and that his 
 majesty put on a black crape for him." 
 
 " Did he so, my Ferabosco — ah ! so he did, 
 then my boy he is gone to heaven ; all who died 
 fighting for the old king are indubitably gone to 
 that blessed region, as sure, Master Ferabosco, 
 as the gospel. Therefore, why should we grieve ? 
 that is my maxim — hie — wherefore should we be 
 sad or doleful ? neither you — hie — nor I, nor you, 
 Caleb Johnson, should be sad, for we cannot 
 alter it. Now, do you suppose, my nobles, when 
 the Fates are sitting in council, that they will 
 alter their humour, just to please such a set of 
 selfish paltry scoundrels as those who — hie — call 
 themselves rulers ; damme, no — depend upon it 
 no, my boys, no such thing. Therefore let us 
 drink and be social, and leave the Fates to settle 
 their own affairs ; for if they will only be pleased 
 to let me alone — hie — why if / trouble myself 
 about them, may I be chained to the Temple
 
 davenant's round table. 209 
 
 pump, an iron ladle to dole out water to thirsty 
 school-boys, for ever and a day. 
 
 The three skinny goddesses Fate 
 Laced in their bodices tight ; 
 Up in the sky as they sate. 
 Spinning with merciless spite. 
 
 Gne with a distaflfin hand, 
 The other with scissars so dread, 
 Without the two sisters command — 
 Hie — clipped life in the midst of the thread. 
 
 These are the tricks of the three, 
 
 All must buckle and bend to 'em ; 
 
 Whatever these spinsters decree, — 
 
 Hie — there's an end to you ladies and gentlemen. 
 
 " No-no, it's of no manner of use to quarrel, 
 you take me; of no sort of use to dispute with these 
 self-willed daughters of old Nox and Ei'ebu^. 
 They were born in the dark, bless you, and there 
 is no finding them out — none, I assure you ; 
 they are the most in — inscrutable of all the 
 goddesses, and that is all, the wisest wiseacre 
 among us all knows about the matter. Where- 
 fore, though I love night, and — hie — worship
 
 210 DAVEN ant's round TABLE. 
 
 Master Nox, let my nights be in a tavern, with 
 plenty of tapers, my hearty vintners. Yes ! and 
 the light of these smiling ladies — smile — yes, by 
 all means, smiKng, — compose one to pleasant — 
 dreams — heigh — ha — ho — that am — me — e — e — 
 that is the business ;'"' when Tom dropping his 
 head upon his bosom, sunk quietly into the arms 
 of sleep, in old Caleb Johnson's elbow-chair, 
 where we will leave him, whilst we take a peep 
 below, at what had occurred between the Jew 
 and the drunken trumpeters.
 
 THE trumpeters' SUPPER. 211 
 
 CHAPTER VIII. 
 
 THE trumpeters' SUPPER. 
 
 " TJmu villain, thou art full of piety." — ShakspeAbk. 
 
 " Well, Master Mordecai, )^ou are the most 
 Christian Jew of all your tribe," said Tom 
 D'Urfey, who, whilst the conversation was going 
 on in the hall, had for a few minutes descended 
 to the apartment on the basement story, pro- 
 vided for the entertainment of the musicians, to 
 arrange matters for the approaching show on the 
 balcony in front of the tavern. " You are 
 fatigued, my worthy, and you shall have a joy- 
 ous good supper for your pains. Here, drawer, 
 bring us a bottle of wine." When, pouring out a 
 bumping glass for Mordecai, and taking one for 
 himself, '* Come," said he, " here goes, church 
 and kingy This considerate visit of D'Urfey's 
 occurred about two hours before his visit to 
 the bar.
 
 212 THE TRUMPETERS' SUPPER. 
 
 *' I can not never drink that," said Mordecai, 
 but not until he had swallowed the wine. " Til 
 toast the king with all mine heart." 
 
 " You are a deep one," said D'Urfey ; " come 
 then, hung f oilier eye; I say, Mohun," who then 
 entered ; " here'*s a trump, — he wont drink my 
 toast, but he mops up the wine. Come then,* 
 filling the glasses again, ^' now — let's have it 
 your own Avay.*" 
 
 " Here goes, the king," said Mordecai, " and 
 no Popery ; no more religious wars, of no kind 
 votshomever." 
 
 " That Israelite, your worship," said old 
 Hold-me-fast, ** is a lost sinner, and by grace 
 and mercy, I will set about his conversion this 
 night. Observe your worship, what he has 
 obtained already by his short acquaintance with 
 one of the faithful^ (hiccoughing) — you perceive 
 he is a Protestant Jew already, your worship, 
 and that is a great way towards conversion. 
 Pray, your worship, may I be so bold, are you 
 that — Im — (hiccoughing again,) are you bis 
 honour Sir William Davenant .P" 
 
 " No," replied Tom, " I am Sir Thomas 
 D''Urfey, you drunken, puritanical old hypo- 
 crite."
 
 THE trumpeters' SUPPER. *213 
 
 *^ T/iomas — Thomas — hie — Thomas — 07ie of the 
 twelve, but no Diddimus, I fear : What I would 
 ask is as this — Who am I to look to for my re- 
 ward — Thomas — hey — Did — Diddimus ? for I 
 will have no intercourse with — hie — this repro- 
 bate, unbelieving Jew, excepting his conversion, 
 if it be I have sufficient grace. But what am I 
 to receive for my services, and that of these 
 five sensible, useful, sober servants of the Lord ? 
 We only wait to know that, and if it be your 
 worship's pleasure, we will have something to 
 moisten our mouths withal, for we have come 
 from afar, and have tarried long." 
 
 '» Moisten your mouths,**' echoed D'Urfey, 
 ** why IMaster Hold-me-fast, you are staggering 
 now, you sot. What are we to do with these 
 drunken trumpeters, Mahon ? I'd be sworn, 
 there's not a man among them knows a semibreve 
 from a crotchet." 
 
 " Hie — Don't swear, your worship, — you, I 
 think with due reverence, are a justice of the 
 peace, and I have a charge to make against this 
 unholy Jew,"" staggering against D'Urfey, who 
 slipping dexterously aside, the old puritan
 
 214 THE trumpeters' SUPPER. 
 
 trumpeter upset the little supper table, and 
 rolled his heavy carcase among the wreck ; 
 luckily the plates were pewter, and the eatables 
 were not quite ready, or Moses and his corps of 
 musicians might have gone supperless to bed. 
 
 *' Schmite mine bones ! vot a pretty go ! — vot 
 a smash ! I vont pay you a farden for your ser- 
 vices, you Mishter Hold-me-fasht Get up, you 
 truriken schzcines, mine body ! vot a christian 
 hog," endeavouring to raise the heavy old 
 trumpeter from the floor, who, sitting with his 
 back against the wall, exclaimed, — " Hie — your 
 worship, we would do all you would have, only, 
 have faith — faith. Hie — I know I have had a 
 little drop, or so — hie. But, the Lord is all- 
 sufficient.' 
 
 '' Vy don't you help him up, you Phil. 
 Colchester ? you are the least tronk ; as for the 
 other thieves, they are fast ashleep. Veil, let 'em 
 alone awhiles, that vill sober 'em. I vish I vosh 
 ashleep mineself. They've sphent more monies 
 in gulsh, only from Petty-france to Temple-bar 
 — than it cost mine blessed father in all his hfe, 
 on the vordt of a man ! I never saw mine father
 
 THE trumpeters' SUPPER. 215 
 
 nor mine mother tdrunk since they vosh born, 
 to the time of their death. Christ ! vot a vicked 
 old man !" 
 
 " Hear the reprobate, only hear him — hic^ 
 your worship — can we wonder that trouble, and 
 tribulation and affliction, and sorrow— /izc — 
 afflicts this wicked land, when the name of the 
 holy one of Israel is thus prophaned by a denying 
 Jew ?" Hic^ hie — I don't much like this busi- 
 ness, your worship, to blow my trumpet in the 
 service of the un — hie — unrighteous. For, I am 
 credibly informed the king is given to vanity, 
 and — hie — to carnal lusts. That he is given to 
 wine, and to for — forni — for "' 
 
 *' Vy don''t you get up ? Vot if his majesty 
 loves vine, vat is it to you ? ven — ha, ha, ha, — 
 ven you are so gallows trunk ; vot, you can't 
 standt on your legs. My eye ! vy vot a hypo- 
 chrite!" 
 
 " He delight eth not in the strength of a 
 horse;'' thou Jew: he taketh not pleasure in 
 the legs of a man, thou reprobate : read the 
 word, you vile Mor — Mordecai, and know these 
 things."" 
 
 " Veil, veil, I vont dispute at all about it ;
 
 216 THE trumpeters' supper. 
 
 nor 1 vont lend you the silver trumpet, unless I 
 have security for its safe return. Vot, if he 
 don't shwear, mine kindt Master Durfey, vot 
 this trumpet, (which he drew from his bag) 
 vosh his ; and shwears heil have it : Ven I'll make 
 mine solemn oath it vosh belong to his late 
 majesty's sargeant trumpeter — and there is the 
 king's arms inside, as plain as mine nose on mine 
 face." 
 
 " Hie — that, you unbelieving Jew, his no- 
 thing to the purport. Is it not writ, you scomer, 
 * Put not your trust in princes, nor in the 
 son — son of man, — hie — in whom there is no 
 help: " 
 
 " Veil — vot is all this mouding about ? you 
 have engaged at ten shillings a head, for these 
 five musishiners to play to-night, if wanted — 
 and all day to-morrow; and to eat and drink 
 free of expenshe : and twenty shilling for your- 
 self—that is three pounds ten shilling. Vot I 
 get is not more as thirty shilling, so help me 
 G— d. And for vot.? Vy, for the lendt of 
 vun silver, and four brazen trumpets, and drag- 
 ging a lot of such tdrunken professioners as 
 you — go to hell, vid you ! First, Mishter
 
 THE trumpeters' SUPPER. 217 
 
 D'Urfey, I gets hold of this chentleman vot 
 sits upon his tdrunken bottom, upon the floor, 
 here, to preach — vy don't you get upon your 
 legs ? Strichke me comical, vot if old Oliver 
 Cromwell would stand this, IMaster Hold-me- 
 fast. You might be enough of a migshty clever 
 trumpeter, but blister me all over, vot he'd have 
 had you drum'd out of the regiment. Vy don't 
 you get up, you beastly hog ? It ish too bad — 
 too bad. Master Mohun, for all the way from 
 Palace-yard, not an ale-house, but this mister 
 shaint got some more drink, and then to preach- 
 ing and boddering every von vot he meets to 
 conversion." 
 
 " I give you joy of your job, Mordecai, and 
 if the varlets are refractory, lock them up — 
 lock 'em up, impound them, and let thorn 
 snore it out untill morning. But, my worthy 
 Mordecai, don't let them escape : for I suspect 
 the rogues are no better than they should be," 
 said D'Urfey, who left them to Mohun, that 
 he might join his company. 
 
 " Come, you Hold-me-tast- try-hoist ! come, 
 get you up !" said Mohun, holding one 
 shoulder, and the drawer the other, when in 
 
 VOL. I. L
 
 218 THE TRUMPETERS' SUPPER. 
 
 came mine host, with his usual good humour, 
 and Ludovico Ferahosco, the loyal landlord of 
 the St. Christopher, at Eton, who seeing the 
 prbtector's puritanical trumpeter, whom he 
 knew -full well seated thus, saluted him with 
 mock gravity, and shaking his head, cried, 
 " What ! Hold-me-fast Sparkes ! how are the 
 mighty fallen I*" 
 
 " Ah," returned the trumpeter, looking up 
 most ruefully ; " / om gone like the shadow, 
 when it declineth: hie — / am tossed up and 
 down as the locust.''' 
 
 '' Come, come, get up my soger," said Fer- 
 abosco, " why, Sparkes, my old cock, why, what 
 the plague, drunk too ! This is odd enough, 
 gendemeri, I never knew much good of him, to 
 be sure — but this man was a noted preacher ; I 
 have heard him hold forth at Datchet, by the 
 hour. Why, Hold-me-fast, what would his 
 highness, your old master, Cromw^ell, say to 
 this ? Fye ! what become a tippler in your old 
 age ! This is very unsogierly, Master Sparkes. 
 Come, get upon your feet, you old sinner." 
 
 " ^ My knees are weak through fasting : and 
 my JlesJir— hie ^ hie— faileth of fatness C — hie,
 
 THE TRUMPETERS' SUPPER. 219 
 
 saith the Psalmist. Yea, — hie — things are 
 strangely altered, Master Ferrabos — bosky, 
 there's no liberty left in this afflicted land — My 
 old general was a soger every inch of him : but 
 as for your cava — cav — cavaliers — ' Blow the 
 trumpet in Zion" — What !" Here he went off 
 into a complete rhapsody. " AVho is king now ? 
 ' / -ixiill divide Sechem, and mete out the valley 
 of Sue — Sue — Suc-coth,'' — hie, and mumbling, 
 * Gilead is mine ; Manasseh is mine ; Ephriam is 
 also — hie, hie, — the stre — en — engtli of mine head: 
 Juduh is my laio-giver .'' Come, Master Ferra — 
 bosh — CO, you are a good moral sort of man — 
 hic^ — though you are a royalist, I know your 
 principles. Master Ferrabos — bos — ky ; and I 
 have often sought the lord for you. But, never- 
 theless, you have never been — hie — regen — gener 
 — re — regenera — ted, — hie — which is a pity, for 
 what, of honesty — hie — or justice, or uprightness 
 in the flesh — it's all carnal — all vanit}' — and — hie 
 — a dangerous state of the poor deluded soul. Is 
 it not so, Mordecai ? I ask you, you unbeliever, 
 in presence of these good people. What is it all 
 worth, if hie — if you have not grace." 
 
 " Schmite my limbs, bones, and body, vot, if 
 L 2
 
 220 THE trumpeters' supper. 
 
 I voudn't be of ten times no I'eligion at all, 
 rather than squat me there 1 ax your par- 
 don, latdies." Mistress Johnson, and Mistress 
 Ferrabasco, that moment peeping in, to have a 
 look at the preaching old trumpeter. " That's 
 vot I voud, rather than sitting there — all squat, 
 expounding the holy insphired David, from such 
 a tdrunken tdrivelling moud. Get up !"" haul- 
 mg him by the collar, and setting him on his 
 feet by main strength. " Get up, and mindt 
 your duty ; here's Mistress and Master John- 
 shon's provided a handsome supper, andt youVe 
 upset the tables, — and hollo — vot, you sleeping 
 trumpeters,'' shaking one after the other by the 
 collar, " vy don't you give over snoring? God- 
 amighty, vot a trumpeting of so many noses, 
 vosh never heard." 
 
 '' Hullo, why what's the matter.'^'" said one, 
 " Hey," cried another, staring, " what is it 
 morning ?" " I've no horse, and whose stole 
 my trumpet .'*''' said a third. " Hey, where are 
 we ! w here's the enemy ?"" 
 
 " AVhere are jou ! vy at the Devil you 
 tdrunken sch wines, only a little before your 
 times. Veil, vot, have you snored yourselves
 
 THE trumpeters' SUPPER. 221 
 
 sober ? come, up, rouse you, and be orderly — 
 here is some excellent nice supper pro\aded, and 
 eat, tdrink, and be satishfied, for you'll not 
 every day tumble into such quarters."*^ 
 
 By this time the table was replaced, and a 
 hot supper smoked on the board. DUrfey 
 had retired, and Mohun led the two hostesses 
 up stairs, and mine host of the Devil, only re- 
 mained behind to say, '^ Mordecai, my honest 
 friend, you are master of the ceremonies, make 
 merry, and call for all you want." 
 
 " Come, be sheated,'' said Mordecai, " vill 
 you fill the chair. Master Hold-me-fast."' 
 
 " No, no, my Master Modecai, do you do the 
 affairs of the table, for — hie — I have got a little 
 drop too much, I believe. What ! is that roast 
 l^eef.^ — hie — a very good old Enghsh dish, and 
 fowls — hie — many a turk — turk — turkey, and 
 many a go — goose, have I stolen on a march, but 
 that was the carnal man : that was thievery — 
 hie — in the old man. But I have not had a glass 
 of any thing in my hps for — Hold ! you thankless 
 Jew — AVhat ! — why, lay down your knife, you 
 heathen. What, gentlemen, do none of you 
 crave a hUssing ? shame ! — hie — shame ! wliy
 
 222 THE trumpeters' supper. 
 
 even in camp, you reprobates, we never put a 
 morsel into our mouths — hie — without thanking 
 the Lord. Why your cavalie — Hers could not 
 be more hea — heathen — ish. Why none but 
 musicians and heathens would — hic^go to their 
 meals and not crave a bles — bles — hie — blessing." 
 So this pious peroration acccomplished, he began 
 a long grace, with hies and hucks, until the Jew 
 feeling scandalized by such mockery, shai-pened 
 the knife on the steel, and all the drunken trump- 
 eters cried amen, when Hold-me-fast sat him 
 down, and the rest of the party recruited by sleep, 
 commenced their meal with tolerable decency." 
 
 " Come, master Jew, what shall you and I 
 drink together, hey? you reprobate:" said 
 Hold-me-fast, — " hie — what will you take ?" 
 
 " Some beer, if you vosh have no objections, 
 for I vosh dry. Drawei', that's a a good fellow, 
 give us some beer ; mine service to you chentle- 
 mens all, vot a deligsht it vos to get a goot 
 schwig of malt and hc^s, mine soul ! I vosh as 
 dry as dust." 
 
 " So am I, Moses," said Jolin Shore, '' but 
 I shall have some wine. Ho ! boy, hand me 
 the bottle and some glasses."
 
 THE trumpeters' SUPPER. 223 
 
 " Veil, veil, do as you pleashe, but beer will 
 squench your thirst quite as veil, and better, I'm 
 blow'd if it vont, and at half a quarter of the 
 expenshe." 
 
 '' What ! you beggarly Israelite, what is the 
 expence to you, you heathen ? — hie — is it out of 
 your purse ? — Hie — It was always so : that 
 apostate Judas sold his Lord and Master — hie — 
 for thirty pieces ; and there's not been an honest 
 Jew from that blessed time to this."' 
 
 " Drink vot you like, I'm blow'd if I care ; 
 only I don't vish to put the governor to no ex- 
 penshe vot is more than necessary. Drink avay 
 for vhat I care — vot ish Judas to me ? "" 
 
 " To you ! " said Shore, " why he was one of 
 your forefathers ; all you Jews are ahke, all cast 
 in the same heathenish mould, all from the same 
 stock. I never knew a Jew but he was a thief.'' 
 
 " And I never knew a trumpeter but he was 
 a fool, a tdrunken schwine, with no more brains, 
 striche me comical, than his trumpet : a fellow 
 vot vont fight himself, but spends his breath 
 blowing louder than the braying of an ass, to 
 set his neighbours by the ears. Hh-ha-ha. I
 
 224 THE trumpeters' supper. 
 
 vosh as soon go to hell as serve my times to a 
 trumpeter." 
 
 " You are about right there, Master ^lorde- 
 cai," said Swan, another of the party, " for, 
 make the best of it, 'tis a hell of a life. To 
 straddle a pie-bald charger, and be a mark for 
 the enemy ; to stand fire like a tun or a target, 
 for thirteen pence a day, and be scavenger to 
 your own horse." 
 
 " And after all to get no honour by it," 
 added Gwyn. " Damme, after alls said and 
 done, ' he's only a trumpeter,^ as the saying is. 
 I'd rather apprentice my son to old Sugar and 
 Sacli^ the chimney-sweeper, than make him a 
 trumpeter, or I am the greatest rogue alive." 
 
 " Give us some wine, you Mister Mordecai, 
 give us some wine," cried Hold-me-fast. " Did 
 not the host give us a furlough to call for what 
 we please ? and — hie — it is my pleasure to drink ; 
 and here's to the memory of his old highness 
 that's gone to his reward. What say you. 
 Master Swan ? " 
 
 " No, I'll see you d d first," said Swan ; 
 
 " what should we drink to him for.'* "
 
 TMt TRUMPETERS' SUPPER. 225 
 
 " Why ! wherefore ! — why, you swearinp^ 
 reprobate— A^c — because he feared the Lord." 
 
 " Ha-ha-ha-ha. Yes, but he feared nothing 
 else," said Shore. " He was as tough an old 
 soger as ever carried a sword ; — right is right, 
 and that I'll say for him; — but as for fearing 
 the Lord — that's all my eye, Master Hold-me- 
 fast ; all moonshine. Yes ! he went seeking 
 the Lord when he did for the king ; whether he 
 found him or no, I neither know nor care ; but 
 this I know, that was a black business of his, 
 murdering the old sovereign. However, that*'s 
 liis affair, and the devil and him, 1 dare say, 
 have scotched that business before now. We'll 
 couple 'em together if you like. Here goes, 
 then — steady, my old soger; steady, liob and 
 nob — don't spill good wine, my old cock — here's 
 his highness old Noll and the Devil.''^ 
 
 The old fat trumpeter drank the wine, and 
 dashing the glass upon the floor, exclaimed — 
 " It is an abomination to waste what the Lord 
 hath sent to comfort his servants; but — hie — 
 that glass shall never profane the lips of a 
 Christian. How should you know aught of tlic 
 devil, you son of Belial — the old serpent, the 
 L i
 
 226 THE trumpeters' suffer. 
 
 })rince of darkness — you who have no light — h'lc 
 — you reprobate? Why this Jew-man is 
 worthier the name of Christian than — Mc — you. 
 Master Shore." 
 
 '•' Airs one for that, my old saint. If you 
 can carry on the game by preach big and breaking 
 glasses, why do so ; but stringing texts together 
 will not long keep that fat carcass of yours in 
 good case. What are we to do ? — hey ? — tell 
 me that. Where are we to get employ .^ — have 
 you no gospel for that ? "^ 
 
 " Ah, Master Hold-me^fasht, that is vot I 
 should say, vosh I a trumpeter. Look to the 
 main shance, main shance is every thing : vot isli 
 preaching to an empty guts, ven a man vants 
 business for employ in his honesht calling ? 
 Vot shall these musishioners findt employ ? Vot 
 is the use of trumpeters, ven there isli no more 
 of civil vars ? Blow me ! vot if trumpeters 
 ishunt a tdrug' upon the market." 
 
 " Well said, Moses Mordecai, ihere'b sense 
 and understanding in that,'' replied Shore. 
 " Answer that, you canting, guzzling old pre- 
 tender. Come, my worthy Jew, let us have a 
 glass together: hob and nob, Moses, give us
 
 THE TRUMPETERS' SUPPER. 227 
 
 your hand ; dash my cap ! if I don't begin to 
 think you are a better fellow »than I took you 
 for." 
 
 " Hie — ' / said unto the fools ^ deal not 
 foolishly ; and to the wicked, lift not up the 
 horn. Lift not up your horn on high : — hie — 
 speak not icith a stiff neck' " 
 
 " Body o" me, Master Hold-me-fast, if you 
 would not have had many another broken head, 
 but for that artful trick of lugging in your texts. 
 Isn't it so, Master Swan ? These canting, 
 preaching, praying, devil-dodging Independents 
 becall their betters black and blue, through the 
 bible : a set of hypocritical scoundrels that curse 
 and swear, and revile by proxy, and knock every 
 body on the head with the holy book. I only 
 wish I'd had the luck to have been in the king's 
 service, for I know I'm a worthless blackguard, 
 as most of us are; but I'd wager any man a 
 bowl of punch I should have continued a pious 
 feUow, if I had not been made sick of all re- 
 ligion by these rascally saints. There was that 
 wolf in sheep's clothing, that Lord Pride, and 
 that other upstart — colonels too! Why I re-
 
 228 THE trumpeters' supper. 
 
 member the time when the one was a wheel- 
 barrow small beer brewer in Barbican, and the 
 other an apprentice shoe-maker there by Cripple- 
 gate, when my father was a better man than 
 either, damme, and these fellows carry their 
 heads so high, and set their beggarly rumps in 
 the Parliament." 
 
 " Yes ! they were pretty ones," said Phil 
 Colchester, " I too had too large a dose of their 
 canting ; and I left the service, and got into the 
 old king's. There was that bully Hai'rison, our 
 colonel, and Hewson, that other one-eyed thief; 
 I never shall forget it, after turning the widow 
 of a clergyman out of the parsonage, because 
 she had been reading the church prayer-book to 
 her children, and set down and munched up the 
 dinner."' 
 
 " "But not till they had craved a grace as 
 ong as my arm, I'd be sworn," said Shore. 
 
 *' No, trust 'em for that," replied Phil. 
 ' They took off their iron skull-caps, and plac- 
 ing them before their hypocritical faces, snuffled 
 about the Lord, and peeped like foxes over the 
 brims at the beef and plumb-puading It was
 
 THE trumpeters' SUPPER. 229 
 
 Christmas day, which these holy ones, as you 
 know, proclaimed a Popish fast, and the old 
 English fare on that day a Romish remnant!" 
 
 " Vot ' " exclaimed Mordecai, laying down 
 his knife and fork, staling and wrinkling his 
 forehead, " vot, tid these saints eat up every 
 morshel from the vidow and the fatherless ? " 
 
 " Yes, and kept her and the poor children 
 shivering in the wood-hovel. It was a bitter 
 cold day, I remember, an'H we were quartered 
 where there was no prog, and the snow was so 
 deep we could fetch nothing. I didn't mind it 
 so much for myself, I was used to it; but, 
 damme, it grieved me to the heart to hear my 
 old horse nei^h as sorrowfullv as a Christian for 
 his corn, and the poor dumb animal eat up the 
 stable broom for sheer hunger ; he did, as I 
 hope to be saved."" 
 
 " Vot ! " continued the Jew, " snatsh the 
 morsel vot vosh for the helpless vidow, and 
 her poor innoshent little vones ! Veil ! God 
 amighshty send vot it had choaked 'em both, the 
 gallows rogues. Mine soul, it vosh no vonder if 
 King Charles vos brought up to the schaffold 
 at Vite-hall, ven he vosh oppo^ed by such a
 
 230 THE trumpeters' supper. 
 
 gang of precious thieves. God send the king 
 vot ish coming to town to-morrow may have no 
 more of civil w ars, vot hardens the heart more 
 than riches. For howsomever that Mishter 
 Lord Prides and jNIishter Hewson might be very 
 fine Chrish terns, blister 'em both, I knows 'em 
 of old — two as flinty-hearted chentlemens as any 
 vot ever vent into battle." 
 
 " That is the fact, Mordecai," said Phil 
 Colchester ; " I wouBn't stand in their shoes for 
 a trifle. I think I could chalk up a few of them 
 that will get their necks stretched by old Dun, 
 if they do not troop it somewhere out of the 
 v.ay. There's that Harrison, he that butchered 
 the player who vras taken in a skirmish, as cold- 
 blooded a lousy villain as ever crossed a horse. 
 I was a prisoner then, and heard one of Crom- 
 well's old quarter-masters say, outside under our 
 grated window, ' I've seen years of service 
 abroad, but if ever I saw or heard any thing so 
 atrocious, may I be blown to pieces, aye, small 
 as sausage meat. Talk of foreign war — why 
 it's babies' plajfc to this! There's a promising 
 young man, one of the players they say, kill'd — 
 butchered in cold blood, by G— d, by command
 
 TIIE TRUMPETERS' SUPPER. 231 
 
 of that scoundrel, our Colonel, (Harrison) ; and 
 Colonel Ingoldsby put under arrest, for calling 
 him a blasphemous coward ; and the devil to 
 pay at head-quarters." 
 
 " I was there, Master Colchester ; our troop 
 came up just after,'' added Shore ; " they took 
 the young man (his name was Robinson, they 
 said,) to a farm house hard by ; he had ten or 
 twelve wounds, and died in a few minutes, in 
 the arms of the farmer's daughter, to whom he 
 was betrothed, and a handsome maid she was. 
 The farmer and his sons dug his grave at the 
 dead of night, buried him in the garden, and 
 read the service over him by the light of a 
 lantern, from the church prayer-book." 
 
 " Ah, Master Colchester, you and I were of 
 different sides; but that business was a closer 
 for me. Says I to a master farrier in the villages 
 the next morning, who shod my charger, ' What 
 do you think about the young cavalier that was 
 slain yesterday eve ? ' ' Think ! ' says he, * a 
 man had better think twice ere he speaks once, 
 in these evil times; there's no such thing as 
 trusting one's own flesh and blood with one's
 
 232 THE trumpeters' supper. 
 
 thoughts, master trumpeter. I've a son in the 
 wars, and a hopeful lad he is, and he has read 
 his bible, too ; but he's on the right side, and 
 fighting for the king, God bless him. I'm a 
 hard-working man, and have an old 'oman and 
 daughters to look to ; but, as I hope for mercy 
 in the next world, if I knew m.y boy to kill an 
 enemy in cold blood, and to justify such a 
 cowardly deed with a text of the holy scripture 
 in his mouth, he should never cross my threshold, 
 thoucrh he lived to be a cc^neral : I'd never set 
 down at my board with a murderer. That's my 
 say, master trumpeter, and I don't care who 
 knows it.' 
 
 " ' D d if / betray you,' says I, ' master 
 
 farrier. There's others that don't quite relish 
 this business ; but you know we are under com- 
 mand of them as be our superiors; but this 
 
 I know, if that bloody Colonel 1 shan't 
 
 mention names — you understand me, master 
 farrier — was to hang in his stirrups, and his 
 horse carrying him flat on his back to hell, Iin 
 not the man who would stop him.' So says the 
 farmer, ' You are an honest, well-disposed
 
 THE trumpeters' SUPPER. 233 
 
 young man, and I Avish you had been o' t'other 
 side; and so,' says he, ' here's something to 
 drink ;' and tipped me a shilUng." 
 
 " I vonder you didn't holt^'' said Mordecai, 
 who hstened with uncommon interest to the 
 trumpeter's tale. " Strichke me flat ! vot but 
 I voud have given 'em all the go by : I voudn't 
 fight against my consciunsh not for nobody.'"* 
 
 " What! you thief ; — hie — what ! would you 
 have the man desert^ hey, you Jew ? Desert 
 from the cause of the saints, hey ? What ! run 
 away with your charger, turn horsestealer, and 
 rob the cause, hey ? I know you, Master Mor 
 — Mor — de — Inc. Why the general in chief 
 would not have trusted a Jew rascal with the 
 matter of a horse, or such a thing as a brass 
 trumpet— hie. He would not enlist, no — hie — 
 not one mother's son, you reprobate, but — hie, 
 hie — but what served the Lord. Come unto the 
 camp, ' Ye saints and servants of the Lord^ " 
 said he, •' come and " 
 
 " Come, you Hold-me-fast, let's have no 
 more of this; it won't go down now, folks are 
 sick of such gammon ; weVe had enough of it." 
 
 " Enough of what ? Who are you, hey "t
 
 234 THE trumpeters' supper. 
 
 you unsanctified back-slider ! — h'lc. I'll tell you 
 what, Master Swan, you'll excuse me as a brother 
 sodger, — hie — ^but you trumpeters are always the 
 greatest reprobates in a camp — hie. I don't 
 mind you a fig, you see. Not one of you ever 
 seek the Lord ; — hic — no, not one. You never 
 meet in quarters — hie — but you swear, — hie — 
 and drink, — hie — and sot — sot — sot — like swine. 
 I never knew but one trumpeter that had grace, 
 or that could seeJc, except Kingdom-come Morris, 
 and he was a man that walked in the fear of the 
 Lord." 
 
 " Ha-ha-ha ! that's a pretty pattern for a 
 kingdom-come seeker; a fellow that was ca- 
 shiered for robbing the landlady of the magpye 
 at Colnbrook ; the rascal who icalked off with 
 the sheets, and pawned them at Brentford ! " 
 
 " Hie! — That might be, nevertheless. Did 
 he not own he had sin — sin — sinned against God 
 and man, you repro — hie — you reprobate ; and 
 turn preacher no sooner than he left the army } 
 and did he not, — hie — I ask you, tell 'em from 
 the desk, that — hie — like Paul he was cUefest of 
 sinners? But what should you know, such a 
 one as you, of these things ? Are you re — re-
 
 THE trumpeters' SUPPER. 235 
 
 generate ? I ask you that — liic — plain question. 
 If you are not, what is the use of my holding 
 any farther conversation with you ? Give me 
 the bottle, you Master Shore, and I'll drink to 
 your re — regeneration, — Mc — which — Mc — with- 
 out which, all is nought. Ah ! I'm sorry for 
 you ; sorry, sorry. But a remnant of all — lac — 
 shall be saved ; and a trumpeter — hie — as well 
 as another, if he shall have free grace. That's 
 the root and bottom of it. ' Seek and pray ; — 
 hie — knocJc and it shall be opened unto us all.'' 
 Drawer, here bring us another bottle ; I have 
 held forth till I am as dry in the throat as if — 
 hie — I'd been putting my nose in the manger^ 
 and crib— crib — hie — cribbing chaff from my 
 horse. No, no, Master Shore, it is all vain, 
 vain ; and all vanity — hie — vanity and vexation 
 of the spirit. For without the new bii'th v.e 
 were — /tic— but for free grace — hic—y>e were 
 but as these empty bottles.'' 
 
 But to return to the bon-vivants who sur- 
 rounded the table of Sir William Davenant : no 
 sooner was the vice-president's chair vacated, by 
 the absence of DUrfey, than Thomas Kille- 
 grew was unanimously voted to supply his
 
 236 THE trumpeters' supper. 
 
 place. A fresh bowl of punch was set before 
 him, when Davenant called for clean glasses, 
 tobacco and pipes, and the mirth commenced 
 anew, the whole party just now ripening into 
 that season of the night which bringeth forth 
 frolic and fun. 
 
 " AVell, Master Ingoldsby, my worthy," said 
 Killegrew, stii'ring up the punch, " before we 
 break hulk, let me have the happiness, for old 
 acquaintance sake, to take a glass of that wine 
 with you, which you and our noble president 
 seem to be cuddling together.'"' 
 
 " With my entire soul, my hearty," replied 
 the Colonel, who w as now all alive. 
 
 " Come, brother Harry, do you and Sir Wil- 
 liam there, join us. Here's to the two noble 
 manager ! Here's success to the stage at Lin^ 
 cobis Inn," said Harry Killegrew, " and here's 
 prosperity to the Phoenioc,'''' returned Davenant, 
 " hip, hip, hip, huzza-huzza, Shakspeare for 
 ever, huzza-a-a.'' 
 
 " I am rejoiced to see you, friend Ingoldsby, 
 sitting there, cheek by jozvl with kings and em- 
 perors. Huzza, my boys," said Thomas Kille- 
 grew, looking around, and smiling as he held
 
 THE trumpeters' SUPPER. 237 
 
 up bis glass. ** ' These are the youths that 
 thunder at a play-house,' as Shakspeare says. 
 Better, my noble, tban tbe tbunder tbat has 
 been threatening old England again — your late 
 affair with a certain general, my noble Colonel, 
 I can whisper you on authority, has made a 
 favourable impression, you understand me, in 
 the right quarter too !" * 
 
 * Ingoldsby was the only person whose signature 
 appeared to the death warrant of King Charles the 
 First, then living and within reach, that escaped pro- 
 secution for high treason, in aiding, abetting, or 
 compassing the death of their sovereign. He was a 
 cousin of Oliver Cromwell's, and set down by the 
 committer for the king's trial as one of his judges, but 
 although a member of parliament, he absented him- 
 self, and would not, as it appears, lend himself to that 
 mock court of justice, which tried the king in the par- 
 liament-house, and adjudged him to lose his head. 
 Bemg in the Painted Chamber, however, on the day 
 of signing that fatal instrument. Oliver Cromwell, 
 reproached him for keeping out of the w^ay, and in- 
 vited him to add his signature. Ingoldsby refused, 
 when, with a civil sort of force, Cromwell and others 
 brought him to the table, and placing a pen in his 
 hand, Cromwell guided it, in making his signature.
 
 238 THE trumpeters' supper. 
 
 Ingoldsby could not but feel rejoiced at this 
 agreeable hint, and his countenance brightened 
 accordingly. " Aye Sir !" said he, " this has 
 been a day of extraordinary events to me, which 
 
 This circumstance, though disputed by some, is re- 
 lated by Clarendon. Certain it is, that Ingoldsby did 
 not fly the country, nor, though urged so to do, did he 
 petition the king, as many others did, pending the 
 negociations for his majesty's restoration to his legal 
 right to the throne. — saying he would remain, at the 
 risque of his head, and stand or fall on the bare reputa- 
 tation of his conduct as a patriot. 
 
 Fortunately for our hero — the circumstance alluded to 
 by Thomas Killgrew, was of service to the royal cause ; 
 for when there was every appearance of a renewal of the 
 civil war, which nothing could have prevented, but the 
 return of the king, Ingoldsby's victory over General 
 Lambert, and taking him prisoner, mainly helped to 
 frustrate the designs of the rump parliament, the over- 
 throw of which saved the country from impending 
 calamity, by the restoration of the king, and a legiti- 
 mate government. 
 
 He soon became a favourite of King Charles, and 
 even before the coronation was knighted by his 
 majesty, and died Sir Richard Ingoldsby, Knight of 
 the Bath.
 
 THE trumpeters' SUPPER. 239 
 
 you would readily admit, were I to relate all 
 that has occurred. But, let us be jolly, my 
 Killegrews, and look forward to better times/' 
 
 " But," replied Killegrew, in a screeching 
 female voice, " but your honor, you gave ine a 
 had sixpence^" singing, " And all such reger- 
 cide rogues as i/iey, '* 
 
 " Ought to be hanged upon Tyburn tree,""^ 
 added Harry Killegrew, gruffly, " yes, you and 
 the other two noble cavalliers.'" When In- 
 goldsby, Barlowe, and Walker, actually staring 
 with surprise, and the greater part of the 
 company, who had heard the curious duetto, in 
 their way to the tavern, discovering in the two 
 frolick some brothers, the identical ballad singers, 
 who had disguised themselves, for the occasion ; 
 the whole party burst into shouts of huzzaing 
 and laughter, and every bottle, glass, and even 
 the punch bowl, danced upon the table in 
 the madness of the moment, such was the 
 joyous confusion. " Church and King — huz- 
 za-a-a." 
 
 " Forward, my nobles,'' exclaimed the Kille- 
 grews, " this is all as it should be, round-heads 
 and cavalhers, all loyal, — loyal by the Lord.
 
 240 THE trumpeters' supper. 
 
 Church and King ! my boys ! he's every inch 
 a king — huzza ! God save King Charles !" 
 When the courtier, Thomas Killegrew, in a 
 stentorian voice, and with glorious spirit, struck 
 ofF: 
 
 " O have you been to Breda* my boys, 
 O have you been to Breda ? 
 Have you seen the King ? 
 Who's up " 
 
 The song was cut short by the sudden ap- 
 pearance of Caleb Johnson, and Ludovico Fer- 
 
 * Breda, in the Netherlands, the place where King 
 Charles assembled his faithful little court in 1660, and 
 where his letter to the lord mayor, aldermen, and 
 citizens of London was dated, April 1 0, wherein he 
 expressed his satisfaction at all the steps which had 
 been recently taken by the city for his restoration. 
 On the receipt of this letter, the city gave the messen- 
 ger 300/., and deputed fourteen of the common 
 council to proceed immediately to Holland, with a 
 present of ten thousand pounds to his majesty, and to 
 assure him of their fidelity and most cheerful sub- 
 mission ; and that they placed all their felicity and 
 future prosperity in his royal grace and protection.
 
 THE trumpeters' SUPPER. 241 
 
 rabosco, who in great consternation, appealed 
 to the chairman to break up the meeting, say- 
 ing, " Gentlemen, that troublesome old Master 
 Prynne, with a posse of preachers has got pos- 
 session of my bar, and threaten God's heavy 
 judgments on myself, and all my house. Pray 
 what are we to do, gentlemen — In the name of 
 mercy ivhat are "we to do ? IVIy wife is fright- 
 ened out of her wits." '' And mine^^ said 
 Ferabosco, ruefully, " is gone into fits. She 
 dreads the sight of him, ever since he had our 
 sign pulled down, knocked to pieces, and burnt 
 before the door, by the headborough of Eton."" 
 
 '' Prynne ! what, that sanctified, cynical, old 
 codger "t " exclaimed Tom Killegrew. *' What 
 say you, my hearties, let us have them in, and 
 make them all royally drunk." 
 
 " Here's a pretty blow up I" said Tom 
 D'Urfey, who now staggered in. '' Here's your 
 glo — glorious saint work^ all the fat in the fire, 
 my nobles. Here's my two jolly vintners — hie 
 — with an extent — an extent in the premises, at 
 the suit of the Lord, gentlemen, and old lop- 
 eared Prynne ; pleader for the holy prosecu- 
 tion — hie — please to hand me a glass of that 
 
 VOL. I. M
 
 242 THE trumpeters' supper. 
 
 good liquor, for, if there is any faith in these holy 
 — hie — cursers and revilers, you take me, d — d 
 another cork will ever be drawn at the Devil. 
 You may shut up shop my worthy vintners, the 
 wine trade is all a dead letter again for if ever 
 I heard such direful de — denun — denunciations 
 against drinking, may I be crucified ; nailed 
 like a goat's foot to Johnson's cellar door. And 
 as for cork-screws, you see gentlemen, they will 
 henceforth be of no mortal use. No — no more 
 than a farthing rushlight to old John Milton, 
 there, the blind brother poet of Clerkenwell. 
 Hey ! there's no standing all this, my worthies. 
 Why, there is our two pretty hostesses, all the 
 roses — hie — roses fled from their blooming 
 cheeks, and as white as a tavern chalk. Is it not 
 gospel, you two shavers, you two honest vint- 
 ners ? why, hey ! what ! why my noble Caleb, 
 why what's the matter ? — hie. D'ye think I 
 won't stand by you, my boy ? DVe think you 
 shall go begging for bail ? Not a l)it of it. I'm 
 the man that will be answerable for your ap- 
 pearance before the king himself; — hie — give 
 surety for ten thousand, and more, if that won't 
 satisfy the rogues." 
 
 ** Let us beat up their quarters," said In-
 
 THE TRUMPETERS* SUPPER. 243 
 
 goldsby, rising from his seat, when Tom 
 D'Urfey, officiously seizing two candles, ex- 
 claimed, " 1 11 light you, my boy, to blow up 
 the enemy's camp,"" though the house in every 
 hole and corner was illuminated almost as bright 
 as day. 
 
 Away went Ingoldsby, followed by the whole 
 group to storm the bar, who, first appeasing the 
 terror of the two hostesses, opened upon the 
 preaching barrister, and his obtrusive friends, by 
 a counter-mine, played off in the nasal twang of 
 these righteous ones. 
 
 The hall was filled, and the stairs were 
 covered by the cavaliers, who having been in- 
 formed by the drawers in attendance of the 
 gospel visit of these intruders, had left their 
 respective tables to witness what might occur, 
 being, like Davenant's guests, ripe for any frolic. 
 
 " This house has long been noted as the 
 receptacle of sin, yea it beareth record of levity, 
 riot, and all carnal abominations,' said Prynne. 
 '- Here Sathan, the Prince of Darkness, setteth 
 up his light, turning night into day, and the 
 Leges Co7iviviales of this devoted house, were 
 the lawless rule of the mockers, and scomers, 
 M 9.
 
 244 THE trumpeters' supper. 
 
 the lees and dregs of the Heathenish brawlers, 
 the disciples of Beelzebub, who, taught by that 
 w41y serpentj mouthe their impious rantings upon 
 the stage." 
 
 " O ! Caleb Johnson, thou upholder of the 
 scomer, the-wine bibber, and the presumptuous 
 player," snuffled Tom Killegrew. " My very 
 bowels yearneth for thee, and mine hostess of 
 Saint Dunstan and the Devil. O I that ye will 
 not listen to the admonitions of that learned owl, 
 and these reproving saints and servants of the 
 conventicle, black in the outward and visible 
 garb, as the croaking frogs, fresh from the mud- 
 dy banks of the Heathenish river, ycleped Styx. 
 Yet, what availeth it to hold forth," raising 
 his tone to a higher strain of cant, " are ye not 
 all — all— sticks — and stocks — and stones. 
 
 " Yea, in the inward chambers of this house 
 have ye been entertaining each other by the 
 roaring of carnal songs, whilst these sanctified 
 owls and frogs, peradventure, would have edified 
 ye all by the singing of hymns. Come, my 
 brethren, let us join in a spiritual song." 
 
 *' A good motion — a capital motion," cried 
 out the crowd of cavaliers. " Let us join in. a
 
 THE trumpeters' SUPPER. 245 
 
 spiritual song. Here — tapster — hey — bring us 
 the directory,* let us strike up." 
 
 * The Directory. This was the book of service^ 
 written by the sectarians, printed, promulgated, and 
 enforced in all Protestant congregations, during the 
 rule of the saints. The church of England Com- 
 mon Prayer Book being set aside by the authority of 
 the parliament, and forbidden to be used, under the 
 penalty of fine and imprisonment. 
 
 The levity of the cavaliers, at the epoch of the restora- 
 tion, immoral as they generally were, was less offensive 
 to the truly pious, than that audacious familiarity, nay, 
 even blasphemous freedom, with which certain gospel 
 ministers, as they were called, assumed when speaking 
 of the Deity, on many political and religious occasions 
 during the civil wars. 
 
 Mr. Bond, one of these presumptuous saints, preach- 
 ing at the Savoy i told his auditors, " That they ought 
 to contribute, and pray, and do all they were able to 
 bring about their brethren of Scotland, for settling of 
 GocCs cause : I say this is God's cause, and if our God 
 hath any cause this is it ; and if this be not God's 
 cause, then God is no God for me ; but the devil is 
 got up into heaven." — [Vide Sir W. Dugdale.) 
 
 " Which pluck'd down the king, the church, and the laws. 
 To set up an idol, then nick-nam'd the cause. 
 Like Bell and the Dragon," &c. 
 
 Notes to Hqdibras. i
 
 246 THE trumpeters' supper. 
 
 " Where are the trumpeters ?" cried Tom 
 D'Urfey. — " Bring the trumpeters forth, with 
 — hie — Jew Mordecai at their head. What say 
 you, Master Prynne ? Let us all march — march 
 my boys, and let us have the mil — millenium. 
 Order the trumpeters, let us chair the preacher ; 
 hollo — you marrow-bones and cleavers/' Oppor- 
 tunely a band of these butcherly musicians came 
 into the hall. " Here — let us chair the old 
 barrister saint — and bring in the millineum, and 
 king Charles — huzza — old saint Prynne, and 
 his sacred majesty king Charles — huzza — huzza." 
 
 The thought happened to chime in with the 
 humour of the moment, and a crowd of cavaliers 
 laid hands upon Prj-nne, the other preachers de- 
 camped ; when seizing the old barrister, who 
 struggled and fought most manfully, and over- 
 powering him, they first pinioned, and then by 
 clubbing of handkerchiefs, fastened him in the 
 landlord's elbow-chair, and procuring two stout 
 poles, . Ijoisted him on the shoulders of half a 
 score of the drawers, and out the whole company 
 salHed into the street. 
 
 It was now long past midnight, all was quiet, 
 excepting that here and there a straggling 
 drunkard was to be seen, bv the dim li^ht of an
 
 THE trumpeters' SUPPER. 247 
 
 expiring lamp, singing the disjointed verses of 
 the last song he had heard, reeling home from 
 the tavern. 
 
 Mordecai marshalled the trumpeters, and hav- 
 ing provided each with a trumpet, they came 
 staggering to the rendezvous in the hall, when 
 placing them two and two, Ferabosco, who was 
 no mean musician, was dubbed master of the 
 band, and off they set from the tavern into 
 Fleet-street, followed by old Prynne, borne in 
 the triumphal car^ next to whom, four a-breast, 
 marched the cavaliers, with Mordecai, Caleb 
 Johnson, and the marrow-bones and cleavers 
 bringing up the rear. Thus appointed, the 
 procession moved forward with a flourish of 
 trumpets, when Tom Killegrew began with a 
 voice still louder than Tom Belfry's, 
 
 " O ! have you been to Breda, my boys ? 
 O I have you been to Breda ? 
 
 Have you seen the king ? 
 
 Whose up to the thing ; 
 And he's our ruHng star, my boys, 
 And he's our ruHng star." 
 
 *' Chorus, my noble cavaliers," cried the mad 
 courtier, when the noisy followers, accompanied 
 by the trumpets, roared lustily.
 
 248 THE trumpeters' supper. 
 
 And he's our ruling star, my boys, 
 And he's our ruling star. 
 
 Never was such a ffeneral vvakino:. At the 
 blast of the trumpets, every bed was deserted, 
 up went the sashes, open flew the casements, 
 and ladies' white caps, and men's night caps, of 
 every shape, shade, and colour, were thrust out ; 
 and nothing but the darkness of the midnight 
 could have shrouded the blushes of the thousand 
 pretty faces, thus suddenly exposed en chemise, 
 to witness this strange revelry. 
 
 The persecuted saint in the chair stormed, 
 raged, foamed, denounced, and reviled ; but the 
 cavaliers only cheered him the more vociferously, 
 with — *' Huzza — old Prynne and the saints for 
 ever ! huzza !" 
 
 O! have you seen Prince Hal, my boys, 
 ! have you seen Prince Harry ? 
 
 He will drink and revel 
 
 And play the devil, 
 And he swears he ne'er will marry, my boys, 
 And he swears he'll never marry. 
 
 " Chorus, my cavaliers." 
 
 And he swears he ne'er will marry, my boys, 
 And he swears he'll never marry.
 
 THE trumpeters' SUPPER. 249 
 
 '' What, hey I what is the matter, gentlemen ? 
 Hey — do — pray — for the love of heaven — do in 
 charity let us know what is all this about r^' 
 cried curiosity in a thousand voices. 
 
 " Woe ! woe ! woe ! to this generation of 
 vipers," groaned the puritan barrister. 
 
 " Woe ! woe ! to this unchristian city." 
 
 I\Iany of the people were terrified at these awful 
 denunciations, and all were bewildered, not being 
 able to comprehend so heterogeneous a conflict of 
 pious ejaculation, huzzaing, trumpeting, and sing- 
 ing. Hundreds of apprentices, and masters too, 
 slipped on their breeches and slippers, and with 
 unbuttoned doublets, or loose cloaks, yea in their 
 night caps, sallied forth, and joined the throng. 
 
 *' For the love of mercy — do inform us — 
 what is the matter ?" still cried the spectators 
 from the windows. 
 
 " We have got old Barrister Prynne, the 
 puritan, dead drunk, in the landlord's chair, 
 fresh from the Devil tavern, and are taking him 
 before the lord mayor," returned the cavaliers. 
 
 " H-a— a— Hoo— o— o,*" cried the people. *' O ! 
 the old hypocrite, take him to Bridewell— set 
 him in the stocks — sh^fme— shame, you drunken 
 m3
 
 250 THE trumpeters' supper. 
 
 old reformer. Take him to the pump. Hoo— 
 o— o;**' and never was heard such a hooting, 
 hissing, and clapping of hands. " Come — go 
 on — proceed with your song, my noble Kille- 
 grew,"^ cried the cavaliers. 
 
 ! have you seen the duke, my boys. 
 Have you seen the duke of York .? 
 
 The pride of the mother, 
 
 The king and his brother ; 
 And as gay as the royal Turk, my boys, 
 And as gamesome as the Turk. 
 
 Chorus — And as gamesome as the Turk. 
 
 " O ! O ! sin — sin ! — sorrow ! sorrow ! shame! 
 shame !" 
 
 Here the butchers rattled a noisy peal with 
 the marrow-bones and cleavers, and the bacchana- 
 lians again shouted '•' Saint Prynne for ever ! — 
 huzza !'- 
 
 ! have you seen old Noll, my boys, 
 have you met old Noll } 
 
 He was a fellow of pluck, 
 
 And we are all in luck. 
 To get once more to Whitehall, my, boys 
 To get once more to Whitehall. 
 
 Chorus — [Louder and louder still,) To get 
 once more to Whitehall.
 
 THE trumpeters' SUPPER* 251 
 
 " God save king Charles ! the millenium and 
 the saints — ^huzza — huzza !" 
 
 The king he loves a bottle, my boys. 
 The king he loves a bowl ; 
 
 He will fill a buraping glass. 
 
 To every buxom lass ; 
 And make cuckolds of us all, ray boys. 
 And make cuckolds of us all. 
 
 Thus, regardless of consequences, did these 
 mad-pates carry the enraged old puritan as far 
 as Ludgate, and return to the Temple-gate, and 
 after giving three cheers, and dismissing the 
 butchers, they landed the Christian hero in the 
 bar of the tavern, safe and sound ; when unbind- 
 ing him, the first act of his liberty, was the seiz- 
 ing of mine host by the collar, threatening him 
 with the penalty of eternal fire and brimstone, 
 for being the recruiting serjeant of that Beelze- 
 bub, whose standard he was about again to erect. 
 Then turning to the surrounding cavaliers, he 
 called them beasts, whoremongers, drunkards, 
 swine, scorners, apostates, vile slaves, children of 
 perdition and the like; and with many ex- 
 travagant denunciations against the house, the
 
 •jj2 the trumpeters supper. 
 
 host, aud the guests, he was about to depart, 
 when Tom D'Urfey, taking him by the arm, 
 cried — " Peace, my noble limb of the law — hk 
 — don't leave us in ill-will, my old upright 
 councellor. Suppose you and I take a glass of 
 punch together, for old acquaintance sake, my 
 brother poet. Killegrew, damme, why have you 
 not heard what a poet we have been chairing ? 
 Prynne the poet — h'lc — Prynne the preacher — 
 Ilk — Prynne the puritan, Prynne 
 
 "' Out, thou beast ! thou vessel of wrath, thou 
 cliarnel-house of carnal filthiness." 
 
 " Nay, my old senator, don't defile your 
 learned tongue by becalling a sober gentleman 
 such unchristian names. Have we not done the 
 thing genteely ? I ask you that. Speak like a 
 man. Here's poets, playwrights, and players, 
 musicians, and painters, honour — honouring 
 — all marching to your triumph." 
 
 " All, all children of perdition ; all servants of 
 the great beast; loving darkness rather than 
 light. Out, ye generation of vipers ! acorns of 
 that royal oak of unrighteousness, destined to 
 fatten the hogs of the stinking stye of the devil 
 and all his angels."
 
 THE trumpeters' SUPPER. 253 
 
 " Trumpeters ! give the old saint another 
 flourish/' said Killegrew, " give him another 
 flourish ! " when Mister Hold-mefast^ stepping, 
 or rather staggering, forvrard, thrust the trum- 
 peters back, exclaiming, " hie — halt ! hold, you 
 ungodly brawlers ! What ! shall we minister 
 to these unrighteous tavern-goers, wine-bibbers, 
 and — hie — drunkards? Shall we enlist our- 
 selves in the cause of these scorners, and blow 
 our trumpets to the dis — dis — disparagement of 
 that faithful servant of the Lord's?" (pointing 
 to Pi-ynne.) " Never ; never ; — hie — never ! " 
 
 " Come, Sir," said old Caleb Johnson, " do 
 you go to your quarters, mister trumpeter, and 
 remember that you 'listed into the service. Do 
 you dare to insult my guests ? " reddening with 
 anger at the impertinence of Hold-me-fast, who 
 had been drinking himself so drunk at his ex- 
 pence. 
 
 '' Hic-1 listed! — never, never; it was the 
 outward man ; the carnal man, that was be- 
 trayed by this Jew. « Get thee behind me^ Sathan.' 
 I am sorry — hie — sorry for thy lost state. Thou 
 art not re — rege — regenerate, thou tapster ! " 
 
 Here Caleb's patience was put to the test.
 
 254 THE trumpeters' supper. 
 
 " What ! you impudent, audacious hypocrite, 
 wliat am I to be preached — prated to, under my 
 own roof, by you^ too ? Religion is come to a 
 line pass ! " * 
 
 " I am sorry for thee, tapster, — liic' — ^re- 
 turned the preaching trumpeter. " It was so of 
 old ; for it is writ in Deu — Deut — Deut — ron — 
 
 nomy, twenty-third Kic — ' But Jesliurun 
 
 waxed fat and kicked: thou art icaxen fat — 
 thou art grown thick,' — hie—' tJiou art covered 
 w ith fatness : then ' '' 
 
 " I will not bear this insolence from a drunken 
 trumpeter," said Caleb, taking Hold-nu-fast 
 fast hold by the collar, to turn him out of the 
 hall ; when the intrepid Prynne interposing, 
 cried — " Hold thy hand, thou vile tapster ! 
 That poor soldier-man, in his cups, hath more 
 piety than thy weak understanding is capable of 
 compassing: he speaketh from Holy Writ." 
 Then taking the trumpeter by the cuff — " Quit 
 the service of this hellish crew," said he, " this 
 camp of the ungodly ; this sink of corruption, 
 and common-sewer of impiety, where Pagan 
 players, sots, and remorseless reprobates hold 
 their midnight orgies. Doubtless thou art a
 
 THE TRUMPETERS* SUPPER. 255 
 
 sober servant in righteousness, and hath been 
 seduced into the sin of drunkenness by the old 
 serpent, who presideth within these unsanctified 
 walls. Woe ! woe ! to this corrupt, this rotten 
 habitation, bearing the outward and visible sign 
 of that old beast Apollyon, who rules within. 
 Come with me, good man," taking the drunken 
 trumpeter's arm in his, ** and I will provide thee 
 a lodging." 
 
 Hold-me-fast, tucking Mordecai's silver trum- 
 pet under his cloak, was moving off under the 
 auspices of the doughty puritan, when the Jew, 
 seizing his property, exclaimed — '* Vot ! if you 
 have got tdrunk as shwines in this vicked com- 
 pany, for nothing at all, at the expenshe of Master 
 Chonsons, schmite me if I vosh going to let you 
 morris off with my trumpet for nothing at all." 
 
 " H'lc — You are a lawyer. Master Prynne, a 
 man of worldly wisdom, an expounder of the 
 carnal law,"" said Hold-me-fast ; " now I look 
 to you for protection. This trumpet is mine, 
 and I will not re — relinquish it, to a — Mc — 
 drunken, denying, unbelieving Jew. Sir, — hie 
 — ^believe me, mister justice, I came into this 
 wicked house as so — sober as a judge, and the
 
 256 THE trumpeters' 3UPPER. 
 
 Lord has suffered me to fall into temptation ; 
 but — liic—'he is all-sufficient.' I have done 
 my du — duty as an old soger in the cause of 
 the saints— Aic— soberly r?nd righteously, and I 
 abhor a liar. Like Paul ' / havefouffht the good- 
 Jight^ and though I say it, his highness, now in 
 Abraham's bosom, if he was here present, 
 would say — liic. — Hold-me-fast Sparkes is the 
 man who feareth the Lord, and walketh up — liic 
 — uprightly ;" when, endeavouring to wheel off, 
 he staggered round, and tripping up his new 
 friend the old barrister, they rolled together 
 down the wide stairs that led to the kitchen, 
 with such an extraordinary impetus, that each 
 went completely over-head-and-heels ; such, 
 however, was the momentary influence of their 
 stars, that the old fat man-cooky who was just 
 ascending the stairs at the moment, was tripped 
 up also, and falling on his back, made himself a 
 convenient wool-pack to break their fall; but 
 for this, the two saints, the sober precisian and 
 the drunken trumpeter, must of necessity, 
 morally speaking, have either fractured their 
 skulls, or broken their necks, or, perhaps, both ; 
 for all the spectators declared, never did two
 
 THE TRUMPETERS' SUPPER. 257 
 
 human beings perform so fearful a somerset 
 down hill, and against the will, at so small an 
 expence of injury, against so great a risque of 
 life and limb. 
 
 The drunken trumpeter was the first to get 
 upon his hands and knees, when, looking up- 
 ward, he exclaimed — " Hie — ' And he gave Ms 
 angels charge''— hie. — Never fear, never fear, my 
 Christian hero ; it's all nothing when you are 
 used to it : the saints must experience many a 
 fall — hie — ere they rise. Why don't you help 
 me up, you backsliders, hey ? Marvellous are 
 thy mercies. Lord ! — hie — ' Did I notjight with 
 the beasts at Ephesus ! ' What then ? What ! 
 are not these mani — man — hic~ -manifestations, 
 I ask you, you sots, you drunken ca — cava — 
 cavaliers ? If your faith was only as great * — 
 
 * The Drunken Trumpeter's moral doctrine, squared 
 with that of the Puritanical Barrister's, who says, in 
 his " Perpetuity of a Regenerate Man's Estate" — 
 " Let any true saint of God be taken away in the very 
 act of sin, before 'tis possible for him to repent ; I 
 make no doubt or scruple of it, but he sliall, as surely 
 be saved, as if he had lived to have repented of it. I
 
 258 THE trumpeters' supper. 
 
 kic — as great as a little grain of inustard seed, 
 you might re — re — remove a mountain. Help 
 me up, you reprobates ; help me up, I say." 
 
 The barrister had not escaped so well ; hence 
 was verified that savino^, " Dnmken men and 
 children fall zmthoiit hurt." Prynne groaned, 
 and was lifted up by the Jew, who having his 
 wits about him, was the first to afford help. 
 The cavaliers were all convulsed with laughter 
 at this topsy-turvy exit of the two saints, 
 though every one expressed unaffected con- 
 
 say, that whenever God doth take away any of the 
 saints, in the very act of sin, he doth in that very 
 instant, give them such a particular and actual repent- 
 afice as shall save their souls, for he hath predesti- 
 nated them to everlasting life." 
 
 "The child of God," in the same spirit of pre- 
 sumption, saith another — " The child of God, in the 
 power of Grace, doth perform every duty so well, that 
 to ask pardon for failing either in matter or manner 
 is a sin : it is unlawful to pray for forgiveness of sins 
 after conversion : and if he does at any time fall, he 
 can by the power of grace carry his sin to the Lord, 
 and say, < Here I had it, and here 1 leave it.' " This, 
 it seems, was part of the doctrine of Independency.
 
 THE TilUMPETERS' SUPPER. 259 
 
 cerii on discovering that the old gentleman was 
 hurt. 
 
 " God-a-mershy ! ' cried Mordecai, kindly 
 putting his arms round the waist of the barrister, 
 to raise him up, " vot a vonderful eschkape. 
 How vosh you findt yoursel ? " The barrister 
 looked deathly pale, and groaned. " Vill you 
 be so kind as to fetch a little vater ? " said the 
 considerate Jew ; " vot if he vill not faint ! " 
 when taking him in his arms, and bringing him 
 up the stairs, as he cried — " Oh! oh!'' Mor- 
 decai, wrinkling his brow, exclaimed — " God- 
 amighty forbid ; vot if the old shentlemans has 
 not proken some bones ! " and placing him 
 gently in the bar chair, in which he had just 
 before been chaired, he added, " Do not 
 scrouge about the old shentlemans so close; 
 open the vinders — give him air — vilst I run for 
 to fetch me a surgeon." 
 
 " Stop ! hold ! good Mordecai,*" said Dave- 
 nant ; " here is a professional gentleman at 
 hand.*' Fortunately an army surgeon was 
 amongst the cavaUers, who, carefully examining 
 Prynne, declared that no bone was broken, but 
 that the right shoulder was dislocated, when
 
 260 THE trumpeters' supper. 
 
 Ingoldsby, Sir William, together with the aid 
 of mine host, and the active Mordecai, in a 
 few minutes restored it to its place; the two 
 hostesses ministered their kind attentions in 
 ordering towels, bathing his temples with harts- 
 horn, and afterwards offering the old gentleman 
 a nurse and a bed, which kind offer, the more 
 kindly it was urged, just so much more obsti- 
 nately was it refused by the stubborn precisian, 
 who said he would rather give up the ghost on 
 the highw^ay-side, than rest upon the pillow of 
 abomination under the roof of the ungodly, 
 within the unhallowed walls of the evil doers — 
 the devil and his drunken crew. Hence that 
 chair, in which he had been borne about in mad 
 frolic and revelry, was now soberly carried, bear- 
 ing the barrister, his arm bound up, by a select 
 body of the cavaliers, to his chambers in Lin- 
 coln' s-Inn, whilst the old trumpeter and the fat 
 cook proceeded to fisty cuffs at the foot of the 
 stairs. 
 
 " A murrain o'er your carcass !'' exclaimed 
 the fat cook, " you have knocked the breath 
 out of my body, you beastly trumpeter — you 
 hypocritical, grey-headed, canting sot. That
 
 THE trumpeters' SUPPER. 261 
 
 Jew-mail — that Master Mordecai is a Christian ; 
 but as for you — you are only fit to be put into the 
 scullion's pan — mere kitchen-stuff, }'ou republi- 
 can cozcardlij old Cromivell-ite T 
 
 Hold-me-fast, nettled at this attack from a 
 new quarter, and being moreover a sturdy 
 wight, seized the cook by the cravat, and at- 
 tempted to shake him. " Coward ! sayest thou 
 — hie — that is a new charge. Coward ! thou 
 capon-killing — hie — dough-faced rabbit-skinner. 
 Do you dare to insult a soger ? One fearing 
 the Lord — who has met the enemy, and fought 
 for the holy cause — hie — fought in the army 
 of saints, ancle deep in Christian blood, you 
 cake-hearted cook ! Can you look a man of war 
 in the face, you dirty dripping-pan, you ? ha- 
 ha-ha, look at him, look at him. Shore — ha-ha- 
 ha, look at him, Swan — look at him, brother 
 Swan — hie — thou bold goose-killer. Get away 
 from me,' giving him another shake, and 
 thrusting the half strangled cook from him with 
 indignation. 
 
 The enraged cook being liberated, sprang for- 
 ward, and gave Hold-me-fast a merciless blow 
 on the mouth, which sent him backwards;
 
 262 THE trumpeters' supper. 
 
 when Shore interfering, tripped up the cook, 
 saying, *' Take that, you dog, for striking a 
 sodfi-er — a drunken sodg-er." 
 
 " And do you take that," said Phil. Colches- 
 ter," giving Shore a swinger on the ear. " D — m 
 the trumpeter that can't fight his own battles." 
 
 " That's my maxim," added Gwynn, and im- 
 mediately attacked Colchester, when Mordecai, 
 flying doTVTi the stairs, rushed in between the 
 combatants, dexterously catching first one blow on 
 his right, and another on his left, " Leave your 
 fightings and brawlings, you tdrunken schwine?. 
 Vy ! if you go it at this rates, vy, who's to find 
 the vindt to fill the trumpets to-morrovv^ ?"' and 
 looking at Hold-me-fast, who was sitting and 
 spitting of blood, he added, " Strichke me clean 
 tead, vy vot a mouth ! blow me mine old 
 preacher, vot if he has not spoilt your mouth 
 for trumpeting for von viles, ha-ha -ha. Come, 
 go to bed vith you all, go to bed, and go to 
 shleep, and say your prayers, you shwine, and 
 sober yourselves, and be fresh betimes to-mor- 
 row, to finish your job like honest men." 
 
 " I'll not to bed, you beggar ; lift me on my 
 feet, you Jew, and let me have at that cowardly
 
 THE trumpeters' SUPPER. 263 
 
 goose-killer. Hallo, tapster, drawer — hie — 
 bring us some brandy, that I naay wash my 
 mouth. Bring me some brandy, I say." 
 
 " Come, get you up you sh wines," said Mor- 
 decai, hoisting him on his legs again, '' vater 
 vosh vot you vonts ; here, mine good fellow, 
 mashter drawer, just be so good as to fetch us 
 a little vater and a towel.''' 
 
 " Water ! water, you thief — water — hie — hear 
 you that, Master Shore. Ves ! well and good, 
 I say if so — why let it be so. Then let us have 
 some water," staggering again into their quar- 
 ters, where the table remained, just as they 
 left it when they were summoned to chair the 
 saint, and seating himself, he seized the bottle, 
 saying, " But first, I shall help myself to some 
 wine, you cut-throat Israelite : come Shore, and 
 you Swan, and you other old sogers, let us drink 
 peace and good-will amongst each other. Have 
 we not fought together — hie — and prayed toge- 
 ther — and — — "" 
 
 " And got schwinish tdrunk together — 
 Schmite mine body and bones, vot of all the black- 
 guards I vosh ever in company vith, if any 
 bodies of men ever vosh like your trumpeters."
 
 264 THE trumpeters' supper. 
 
 This last attack happened to excite the indig- 
 nation of the drunken group, when Gwynn, 
 who was a ferocious felloNv, seizing the Jew by 
 the beard, swore he would make a Christian of 
 him. *' Hand us the water," cried the repro- 
 bate. 
 
 " Hands off— you tdrunken schwines,"" said 
 Mordecai, liberating himself, by throttling the 
 assailant, when Shore and Swan, seizing the 
 bason, sprinkled the water in his face, saying, 
 " Thus I mark you with the sign." 
 
 When the Jew bounding back, cried, " Give 
 me fair play," throwing off his cloak, and un- 
 buttoning his vest, " give me fair play, and see 
 vot if I vont leather you all." 
 
 " Thaf s a brave fellow,'^ said Phil Col- 
 chester, making a party with the Jew, " come 
 on — come on, every one, you round-headed var- 
 ment," when Phil, and Mordecai, standing in a 
 menacing position, the old trumpeter exclaimed, 
 " Hie — 'To your tents, O ! Israel^ " and aiming 
 a blow at his quondam comrade, Phil, again 
 overthrew the table, breaking bottles and glasses, 
 when the riot had become so noisy, that mine 
 host, with Davenant, the Killegrews, and the
 
 THE trumpeters' SUPPER. 265 
 
 otiier guests, bursting into the room, the com- 
 batants were prevented from further mischief, 
 and threatened to be sent to the Poultry 
 Compter. 
 
 " Are 3^ou not ashamed, you hypocritical old 
 sinner," said Davenant, " to make this return to 
 our worthy host for your entertainment; to 
 create this riot, to break the peace thus ? Get 
 up, you old beast, get up, and to bed with you."*' 
 
 " Entertainment ! you are the captain of 
 these profane players, hey ^ Is not the la- 
 bourer worthy of his hire.'' I ask you that. 
 Wherefore do you talk of en — en — hie — enter- 
 tahmient.^ Are we to work for nothing 
 — nothing — hey I — This is the way with the 
 wicked — hie — the puffed up, the self exalted. 
 Depend upon it, you are no Samaritan — no — 
 never. But what should players, and mummers 
 know of these things ? Entertainment ! Sir 
 Will— Will— Aic— William, I think they call 
 you, well — hie — what did the Samaritan then ? 
 Did he exalt himself, did he bear himself proud ? 
 God forbid. No, ' On the morrow when he de- 
 parted he took out two pence,* did he not ? I ask 
 you, ' and gave them to the host,"" saying, ' take 
 
 yoL. I. N
 
 266 THE trumpeters' supper. 
 
 care of him,'' (or them, it is one and the same) 
 and, ' whatsoever thou spend est inore, when I 
 come again — hie — / zcill repay thee? '' 
 
 At this moment, Colonel Ingoldsby, who had 
 listened to this drunken reprover, made his arj:>- 
 pearance ; when Shore and Gwynn, who knew 
 him w^ell, were not so drunk, but they were 
 overawed by his presence. 
 
 " Is this behaving like soldiers ?'"' demanded 
 the Colonel, with authoritative voice and dignified 
 air. " To your quarters !^' The men were obe- 
 dient, saying, we did not mean any harm, your 
 honour; we are ready to obey your commands." 
 
 " Then, my good fellows, go peaceably to your 
 beds," said the Colonel, when Hold-me-fast, 
 still sitting on the floor, began again. " Colonel 
 In — Ingoldsby — you art the sogers' friend — 
 that is what we all know — hie — Is it not so, my 
 comrades ?" 
 
 " Yes, that every soger will say ; God bless 
 you, Colonel !" answered all. 
 
 " But," — rejoined the old trumpeter — But, 
 there was wanting, as our lord said to Martha 
 — hie — ' The one thing needful.' What avail- 
 eth it to do good ?" (scrambling upon his hands
 
 THE trumpeters' SUPPER. 267 
 
 and knees) to do good, I say, or to be sogerly ? 
 (getting on his legs again) or to walk steadily, 
 (staggering against the Colonel) or ever so up- 
 rightly, without grace? None — none at all. 
 You may be a noble ge — ge — general — yea — 
 generalissimo ! sure enough ; but take my word 
 for it, Master Dicky — hie — Dick Ingoldsby, as 
 Ijis highness used to say : you are his old high- 
 ness's cousin, I think — well ! be it so ; but ] am 
 sorry to say — hie — ' you are a vessel of un- 
 ricjli — righteousness^ The saints that are gone, 
 know these things. Colonel, you know that — 
 hie — I have served in the army of the holy ones, 
 and — hie — * watch and pray, for ye 'know not 
 the hour ivJien he may come.' But, for the 
 knowledge of these things — hie — Hold-me-J'ast 
 were as one of the wicked, therefore do not in- 
 clude me in the censure. Colonel Ingoldsby, the 
 cen — censure of these ungodly trumpeters." 
 
 " Ha-ha-ha, now this is the way these rogues, 
 from the highest to the lowest, have carried on 
 the farce," said Ingoldsby. *' Hear the auda- 
 cious old saint ; no respecter of persons. These 
 are the best weapons after all, gentlemen ; you 
 may -abuse your betters, evade the laws, prac- 
 N 2
 
 268 THE trumpeters' supper. 
 
 tice all vices, and contemn all virtues, so that 
 you have but saving grace. But the game is 
 up, Master Hold-me-fast ;" when taking him by 
 the collar, he turned him out of the room, and 
 the old hypocrite, assisted by his comrades, 
 staggered, muttering texts all the way up three 
 stories, to the dormitory provided by mine host, 
 where the six drunken trumpeters soon sunk 
 soberly to sleep. 
 
 The company from the different apartments, 
 having discharged their reckonings, had de- 
 parted. When Davenant's friends assembling 
 at his round table, took a parting glass standing, 
 and joining hands all round ; they then adjourned 
 their meeting until the morrow, when they were 
 to reassemble to see the expected royal sight ; 
 and to feast it to the honour of the restoration. 
 
 The two hosts of the Devil and St. Christo- 
 pher, pro forma, lighted the worthies to the 
 door, when, as good-night — good-night, echoed 
 in the street, St. Dunstan's giants chimed the 
 quarters, and the watchman cried, " Half past 
 two o'clock, and a star-light mor — orn — ing,""
 
 THE PUBLIC BREAKFAST. 
 
 269 
 
 CHAPTER V. 
 
 THE MORNING OF THE RESTORATION. 
 
 THE PUBLIC BREAKFAST. 
 " Here he comes, and I must pit/ my theme."' — Shakspkake. 
 
 " Good morrow, Master Davenant, you are 
 here betimes,'' said Betterton^ the prince of 
 })layers, as he gaily entered the old quarters. 
 " Why, what the deuce, are they setting up the 
 old sign again ? How affairs are altered ! a short 
 time since, and the carpenters would as soon 
 liave ventured to take the Devil himself by the 
 nose, as dare to meddle in such a matter. Have 
 you been westward this morning?" 
 
 " No," said Davenant, " I slept behind here, 
 in the Temple, and came in at the back-way. 
 AVhy do you ask ? '"* 
 
 " Lord," said the player, " 'tis worth your 
 going forth, for verily, ' Birnham wood to 
 Dunsina/ie is come.'' The cock-chafers may
 
 570 TflE PUBLIC BREAKFAST. 
 
 fast and look glum as the roundheads, for the 
 devil an oak leaf will be left growing in Great 
 Britain, for this season, Sir ; there is as long a 
 string of waggons laden with oak boughs, as 
 would serve another Jerusalem, for a feast of 
 tabernacles. I "d wager, that there's not a tree, 
 within twenty miles of London, but has been 
 stripped as clean as though we had been visited 
 by the plague of Egypt. Covent Garden is a 
 perfect shrubbery, green as a leek up to the top 
 of Inigo Jones's arcade. It is really a sight 
 worth seeing." 
 
 " Huzza — huzza, hullo — what is now on 
 foot.'^" said Davenant, going to the door, when 
 a mob had collected to see the new sign. Loud 
 peals of laughter, and the clapping of hands, pro- 
 claimed the likenesses. " There — there is old 
 lawyer Prynne, and old Johnson got him 
 by the nose with tiie tongs of the fat c(X)k."" 
 '• Huzza— huzza, look — look, why he's got 
 horns, and long ears — why it's old Prynne 
 turned into the Devil. Ha-ha-ha — hoo-hoo- 
 hoo, well done, old Johnson — huzza — huzza.*" 
 
 Caleb Johnson, Tom D'Urfey, and the Jew, 
 were all busily engaged in dressing tlie sign
 
 THE PUBLIC BREAKFAST. 271 
 
 with garlands of flowers, the carpenters were 
 nailing green oak boughs in the front of the 
 house, and the upholsterers dressing the balus- 
 trade of the spacious balcony, with some gorge- 
 ous old tapestry belonging to the Temple. 
 
 The scene, by the assistance of the play-house 
 painters, whom Davenant had brought from 
 France, and who had fitted up the piers between 
 the windows, with architectural columns, 
 and other decorations, was as splendid as the 
 proscenium of a foreign theatre. Old Caleb had 
 spared no expence to manifest his loyalty. 
 
 '• Mine host, with Ferabosco, the two comely 
 hostesses, Tom D'Urfey, and the Jew, came 
 from the balcony, and proceeded to the other 
 side of the street to see the outside effect of 
 these fine preparations, when the neighbours 
 surrounded the group, and complimented the 
 landlord and his help-mate, who were beloved 
 and respected by all the parish, for their public 
 spirit and taste in the business. Amongst tlie 
 rest, old Izaak Walton thrust his white head 
 out of the first floor of the Harrow^ where he 
 had dwelt, saying, " Good morrow, neighbour 
 Johnson, good morrow, IVIadam Johnson ; a very
 
 272 THE PUBLIC BREAKFAST. 
 
 pretty rural sight. His majesty is fond of the 
 arts — and, take my word for it, he will be 
 graciously pleased to take notice of your pretty 
 conceit. I wot that he will. What, and Master 
 Ferabosco too — how dy'e do, Madam Ferra- 
 bosco ? A fine morning this, for throwing the 
 fly. Master D'Urfey;' 
 
 " Yes," replied Tom, " or anything else," 
 turning his back, adding, in a lower key — " and 
 I should like to throw you out at window, 
 you fiddle-faddle frog-skinning — worm-impaHng, 
 innocent old water-drinker." 
 
 '' Why what now, Tom I" said Davenant, who 
 had joined the party. " Why, what have you 
 and the old lyric poets quarrelled, my D'Urfey .^ 
 What has the old draper been out-measuring 
 you in rhyme .f^" 
 
 " I hate the smooth-tongued old Fiscator," 
 said Tom, " the wily web-spinner — he is more 
 fiendish than a hairy spider — Sir, the merciless 
 old Mohawk kills and scalps for mere sport. 
 Damme, Sir, he would not save a drowning 
 school-boy, but by whipping a barbed hook into 
 his mouth." 
 
 " AVhy, Tom !" replied Davenant, '* surely
 
 THE PUBLIC BREAKFAST. Q73 
 
 you took too much punch last night, and have 
 got up in a fit of the spleen. AVhy every one 
 speaks well of gentle Isaac." 
 
 *« Be it so;' returned D'Urfey. " What I 
 may be metamorphosed into, I leave to the 
 fates : not a fish, though, if I had a vote in the 
 case, having no mighty predilection for water 
 everlasting ; but if I were^ then might I be a 
 thumping, six-foot pike ; and if I did not Jay 
 M'ait for my gentle old piscator, and lug him 
 headlong into a hole as deep as eternity, then 
 might aqua -pura be my portion. Come, 
 Davenant, let us cross over to breakfast." 
 
 *• What a glorious day — not a cloud to be 
 seen in the whole circuit of the heavens !" ex- 
 claimed Davenant, " may it be the presage of a 
 Iiappy reign 1" 
 
 " Heaven grant it may !" added Betterton ; 
 '* every face looks propitious to the event. Come, 
 gentlemen, who shall I help to a bit of chicken ? 
 By Jupiter, what a princely dejune has our 
 ^v•orthy Johnson set forth— he is certainly a 
 right noble host." 
 
 '' He is," said D'Urfey ; " eat, drink and be 
 merry, is the motto. There's nothing to pay ; 
 > 3
 
 274 THE PUBLIC BREAKFAST. 
 
 he swears there's not a tavern score shall rise u}) 
 in judgment against the day of the restoration ; 
 and the last thing he did, except saying his 
 prayers, and kissing his wife, was to lock up his 
 bar books over night. Ferabosco has left orders 
 to keep open house at the St. Christopher too ; 
 though, I would frank his expenshes^ as honest 
 Mordecai would say, strichke me lead if I 
 voudiCt, for as much as the price of a shoulder 
 of mutton, and half a kilderkin of small ale : 
 For certain, no vagabond that can put one foot 
 before the other — or that can club for a donkey 
 — ride and tie, will stay at home : all will flock 
 to merry London to see the sight." 
 
 " There will be sad mischief on London 
 bridge, 1 fear," said goosey Rhodes, the wardrobe 
 keeper, and who just now entered, having brought 
 a caravan loaded with stage costume from over 
 the water. " The populace are flocking forward 
 for St. Georges Fields, and the cavalcade is 
 already pushing on for the Metropolis. I 
 thought we should never get along. You might 
 walk upon the shoulders of the people, from 
 Blackman-street, to the Elephant and Castle. 
 There are booths, and stands *for hire on each
 
 THE PUBLIC BREAKFAST. 2/5 
 
 side of the road, all dressed with green oaken 
 bows, like so many bowers ; I would not have 
 missed the sight for five pounds." 
 
 " What a comical world we live in," said Tom 
 D'Urfey ; *' I'll thank you for a slice of that 
 Oxford hrazm. Betterton — it seems but tht 
 other day, God help us sober people—the 
 mustard ho, drawer— and draw that cork — it is 
 Dorsetshire ale, gentlemen, who will take a 
 glass Pit seems but yesterday — Lord help us ! 
 my service to you, gents — but as it were 
 yesterday, when our pious, virtuous old king — 
 God bless his memory, was dragged from his 
 throne, and lost his head. And now his son — 
 who, no disparagement to his most sacred 
 majesty — who is certainly no saint — may walk 
 to this same throne, on the heads of the cuckolds 
 
 who helped to dig his father's grave. D d 
 
 if I stood in the shoes of Carolus Secundus, if I 
 would not make the rogues in my beloved city 
 of London, come down icith the dust — now is his 
 time. So I hear that the Duke of Gloucester is 
 to have — the Lord knows what — and the Duke 
 of York, a hundred thousand a year. Yet the 
 round-headed vagabonds thought it much to
 
 276 THE PUBLIC BREAKFAST. 
 
 squeeze out just a two hundreth part of that 
 sum, for the funeral of the royal martyr. Well ! 
 better spend the yellow boys on the living, than 
 the dead. And if every man in his majesty's 
 dominions, tliat has a soul worth saving, will 
 not be royal to night ; then may I go to bed 
 sober as a judge. Boy — go to the bar, and 
 fetch me a small glass of coniac. Thinking of 
 tliese melancholy matters, makes me as nervous 
 as one of you tea drinkers." (Tea at this 
 time was not a common beverage.) 
 
 *' Excuse me, Tom," said Betterton, " that is 
 a bad custom of your's — that of taking a dram 
 in the morning.'"* 
 
 *' Thank you for that sage advice,*' replied 
 the merry fellow, tossing off the liquor. '• You 
 must Nvait for your fee until I am appointed 
 lord keeper — or lord sleeper— or some other do 
 nothing office. But, my dear fellow, I do this 
 on sound moral — and sober physical principles, 
 I drink of a morning, that I may do as my 
 neighbours — drink of a night; but for tlaat 
 thimble fall of spirit, 1 should sink in the Jiesh. 
 I am by nature so dull and dumpish — 1 miglit 
 go hang niyself by day, but for this cordial,
 
 THE PUBLIC BREAKFAST. 277 
 
 which keeps nie alive for night. And old Lilly, 
 j^ays by my horoscope, I am made of stuft to 
 last you a century ; and so it neai'ly proved, for 
 the jovial soul lived to drink out three genera- 
 tions of tavern goers, and died an ever-green." 
 
 " Huzza — here they come, huzza — a — a — a. 
 These were the underling players, all dressed in 
 the stage costume, followed by thousands, M'ho, 
 entering the tavern, were marshalled, ready to 
 make their appearance on the balcony, as soon 
 as the van of the cavalcade should reach the 
 city, when old Johnson coming forward all in ^l 
 bustle, cried, " Now Mordecai, my good fellow, 
 prepare your trumpeters." 
 
 " They vosh all ready dressed,'' replied the 
 Jew, " shaving and exshepting vun — that old 
 Mishter Hold-mc-fast ; but he ish on his marrow- 
 bon-es at his prayer, vot he calls seeking the 
 Lord, to know if he shall put on the fine dress, 
 vot the other musishioners has got from the 
 playhouse. Blister me though, but vot I vosh 
 up to him ; I offered five shilling more, and he 
 stichks out for ten. So vot if he ishnunt mak- 
 ing game of God amighty for five shilling — the 
 old hypochrite.""
 
 '2/S THE PUBLTC BREAKFAST. 
 
 " O give hiiu the money, Mordecai," said 
 mine host; " Do not let us slick upon trifles, 
 my worthy man." So the Jew went up to the 
 top of the house again, and the bargain was 
 struck ; but not until Tvlordecai knocked at the 
 door, and enquired — " Veil, vot have you got an 
 answer, Mashter Hold-me-fast?" The trumpeter 
 was silent, when the Jew bawled through the 
 key-hole — '•■ uMishter Johnshon says vot you shall 
 have the moniesh." The hypocrite thanked the 
 Lord and came forth ; and descended to the 
 r^m where they had supped the night before, 
 when taking the money, and a glass of brandy, 
 and saying as he put on the stage costume ; 
 " This livery of satan, is only a covering of the 
 outward man in Adam ;" and then he asked the 
 Jew if the money was all good ? and lifting u]j 
 his eyes, joined the ungodly band in the hall, 
 and the party ^ve\n below to enjoy their breakfast. 
 
 "• This is an unrighteous — profitless business 
 that we are engaged in. Master Swan, I fear," 
 said the old trumpeter, with a groan, helping 
 himself to a spacious slice of cold ham ; then 
 turning to the Jew with a sly grin, '' Will you 
 have a bit of sicmesjlesh^ Mioses ?'' 
 
 tfkiija
 
 THE PUBLIC BREAKFAST. 279 
 
 " Eat your meal and be shatisfied," replied 
 the Jew. " Eat your prcakfast in peace, and 
 quiet — and be thankful." 
 
 " Peace and thankfulness ! Why you un- 
 believing Israelite, what should you know of 
 thanlcfulness ? — and as for peace — these unbeliev- 
 ing Jews never fight in any cause— they have 
 no country, and are locusts in all nations, and 
 among all i)eople. Money changers, thieves, 
 and rogues, who sold their lord and master for 
 filthy lucre.' 
 
 " Come, hold your mouthing, let us have no 
 more of this both.eration. How can the Jew 
 help it,"' said Shore. We are in comfortable 
 
 quarters, and we owe it to him. D d if I 
 
 care, Jew or Gentile, so that I could get 
 employ. ' 
 
 *\Xor I neither,' added Swan. "Nor I," 
 said the others. '* Where are we to find 
 employ .^'' 
 
 " Go and seek— seek," replied the saint. 
 " Seek the Lord— but ybu are none of ye of the 
 elect ; none, alas ! no more than that unbelieving 
 Jew.' 
 
 " Vot a hypocrite ! I don't vont to make
 
 280 THE PUBLIC BREAKFAST. 
 
 vords, but who vosh sell his conschschience for five 
 shilling, this twenty-ninth of the month of May.*' 
 
 " That's a lie, you thief — and you shall eat 
 your -words — no — you shall eat this pork," said 
 the old trumpeter, thrusting the knuckle of ham 
 which he had separated just before, in the Jews 
 face. 
 
 IVIordecai, who was all activity, suddenly drew 
 back, saying, " you are an old man, or I would 
 put you down under mine feet. But I will not 
 break the peace, nor break your bones." 
 
 " The peace !" echoed the trumpeter, enraged 
 at the disclosure of his own hypocrisy. " Do 
 you ever read the Bible, you Jew ? Here these 
 Israehtes traffic with the Christians — with the 
 elect, the usurers and extortioners, and live by 
 war and never fight. The villains have not 
 land enough to bury a dog. Xo, they are too 
 cunning to fight. Read Jeremiah the thirtieth, 
 and therein — A trumpeter making a vonderment 
 about other peoplesh not fighting — blow me vot 
 if that is not a good one, ha-ha-ha. Never 
 mindt it, Mishter Hold-me-fast, every man must 
 live by his honest trade — you by yours, and I 
 mineself by mine ; so let us have no more vords
 
 THE PUBLIC BREAKFAST. 281 
 
 — but let us go to our business.^' — When the 
 trumpeters proceeded up stairs to take their 
 station upon tlie balcony. The players, too, 
 arranged themselves on the same platform, which 
 had been widened and shored up for the occasion, 
 and the houses were crowded at every window, 
 and even the roofs were covered with spectators 
 to see the sight. 
 
 Davenant and Mohun went to inspect the 
 dramatic arrangements, and Mordecai retired 
 with old Rhodes, to put on a splendid Asiatic 
 dress, which he had borrowed, to personate the 
 grand Turk, for he was a formidable looking 
 fellow, and had a most becoming beard : indeed 
 all the household who were not necessarily 
 employed in the domestic preparations, assumed 
 some stage character, or grand personage, to 
 render the balcony the more attractive. Every 
 loyal family in the streets through which the 
 cavalcade was to pass, made some expensive 
 demonstration of their loyalty — Fleet-street was 
 more gay than even Bartholomew fair. But the 
 greatest object of attraction in front of St. 
 Dunstan and the Devil, was the two comely 
 hostesses, Madams Johnson and Ferabosco,
 
 2S2 THE PUBLIC BREAKFAST. 
 
 who were richly attired in the costume of the age 
 of Elizabeth — personating Mrs. Ford and Mrs. 
 Page, the Merry AVives of Windsor. There 
 wanted but a third fine portly dame, to have 
 completed Rubens's three Graces — though such 
 native red and white, exceeded even that great 
 painter's imitative art. 
 
 As soon as tlie two merry wives made their 
 appearance, though only to take a peep at the 
 mighty throng that were pouring along to their 
 respective stations, a loud flourish of trumpets 
 attracted ail eyes to the balcony, when the 
 multitude suddenly halting, shouting, and clap- 
 ping their hands, rendered the street at once im- 
 passable ; when, to prevent mischief, so fearful 
 v.as the crowd, that the fair hostesses were con- 
 strained to retire — Davenant and Tom D'Urfey 
 gallanting them down the spacious stair-case to 
 the bar, where they met Mordecai, the grand 
 Turk, looking most ruefully, and pulling out 
 the stage dress of the old trumpeter, who, 
 like a serpent had cast his skin, and left it in a 
 recess, under the landing place. 
 
 " Here ish is a pretty go, chentlemens ! schmitc 
 me Mat, ladies, vot if that ^Mishter Seeker, that
 
 THE PUBLIC BREAKFAST. 283 
 
 preaching old musishioner, has not given us all 
 the go-by — brush 'd clean off. Vot ish more — 
 has forgot to leave mine silver trumpet behind." 
 
 " What !^ exclaimed D'Urfey, •' What my 
 clever Mordecai ! damme — -just as I said, 
 Davenant — did I not say the saint would diddle 
 the Jew ? I am sorry for thee, Master Moses — 
 but to be out-witted by a trumpeter saint ! Ha- 
 ha-ha. Let me give you advice, my worthy — 
 Never trust one of the elect !" 
 
 " The rogue I this is all of a piece,'* said 
 Davenant — " Never mind it, my worthy 
 Mordecai, we must do without him, and I will 
 satisfy you for the loss of your trumpet." 
 
 " Not a morshel — vot ish it not all mine own 
 fault .^ loss ! 'tis no loss, chentlemens, I dare to 
 say, vot he will shwear it is only borrowed. But 
 I vill send mine little proder Isaac after mine 
 Seeker^ and if he shall not fetch liim back, pull 
 mine beard and spit in mine face. Isaac ish 
 onlv at the Ilainbow," and as he went off, he 
 turned round, and wrinkling his brow, he rapidly 
 tlius apostrophised his brother ; " O ! vot a poy 
 ish little Isaac I vot, if you let loose a bag of 
 fleas on a common be-timesj if he does not find
 
 284 THE PUBLIC BREAKFAST. 
 
 em all, and drive em every one back again before 
 niojht, striche me cold tead !' 
 
 The grand Turk, with his naked scimitar in 
 hand, flew out of the Devil, and made his way, 
 to the great consternation of the crowd, to the 
 Rainbow,* hard by, which was kept by a cousin 
 of Mordecais. There he found cunning Isaac — 
 told his loss in six words, when, as many scouts 
 were out in the same number of seconds, in all 
 
 • The Rainbow Coffee-house, near Temple-bar, one 
 of the oldest taverns in the metropolis, was kept by 
 James Fair, a Barber, soon after the introduction of 
 coltee into England. Three years previous to the 
 Restoration, (Anno 1657,) he was presented by the 
 Inquest of St. Dunstans, in the West, ^^ For making 
 and selling a sort of liquor calkd Coffee^ as a great 
 nuisance and prejudice of the neighbourhood, ^'c." 
 Strange as it may appear, within half a century of 
 this period, namely, in 1708, there were upwards of 
 three thousand coftee-houses in London alone. An 
 old author says, who would have thought after the 
 prejudice against coffee, which was considered pernici- 
 ous and a public nuisance, it would have been (as now) 
 so much drank by the *' lest of quality — and by 
 Phjsicians.''
 
 THE PUBLIC BrcEAKFAST. 285 
 
 directions, in pursuit of the puritanical thief of 
 a trumpeter. 
 
 As soon as the scouts were dispatclied, 
 " Well,"' enquired Haggilar, " how goes it, 
 coushin Mordecai ?" 
 
 " Crisht a mercy ! how frightened I vosh ven 
 you firsht bolted in mid your naked cutlash. 
 Vy, vot a fine dress 1 — Ish it real gold lace, 
 Mordecai ?" examining the costume with 
 scrutinizing curiosity. '' Mine soul ! vy vot an 
 expenshe. You have got into a precious goot 
 consharn at neighbour Chonson's, hey ! God 
 amishty ! — Vy — vot an old flat he musht be, to 
 squashander and melt such a lot of moniesh upon 
 noting at all. Not, vot it ish any pusiness of mine 
 at all, vot mine neighbours do of ish moniesh — 
 at the same times, he ish a goot cushtomer, has 
 taken of me some shix and twenty pounds of 
 coffee in fourteen days, at ready moniesh — and 
 never peads von town in price. So you have lost 
 a silver trumpet — how much vot ish it vorth .'' 
 Great loss — suppose iNIishtare Caleps Chonsons 
 vosh make it up to you, hey Mordecai ? — Vot 
 gallows coot cushtomers them cavaliers var, or 
 he could not keep open house at this precious
 
 286 THE PUBLIC BREAKFAST. 
 
 rate. God amigshty — vot a trade he vosh got 
 to keep up such a lot of thieves, for schmite 
 nie, cousin, vot ail drawers, and cooks, and 
 every vun in a tavern, ishunt all pocketing for 
 himself. Vot ish the price of limes, Mordecai ^ 
 — Go to hell with me, vot if I can afford to puy 
 Seville orange at all — they have climbed up in 
 prishe a matter of five and forty per shent. 
 There ish no such thing as lo making any profit 
 of more as three hapence all but a farden, on a 
 glass of pocnch. Liquors ish riz in prishe 
 altogeder as moche — and vot a lot of peoplesh is 
 opening of coffee-houses. Howsomevershe — the 
 Rain-bow ish not slachk of trade, vot ish a great 
 bleshing in any times. So coushin Mordecai — 
 I findt it vosh you vot mustered the trumpeters. 
 Vot — how — moche do you touch for the lot of 
 em ? I am sorry for your loss at the same times 
 — more as the profit, vosh it not .^ A great loss, 
 
 so help me G d ! " 
 
 " Vosh the trumpet pone and Jldee, 'twixht 
 you and I, Mordecai, right arnesht shilver, or 
 vosh it ony French mixtureV whispered old 
 Haggilar, the grandfather of the coffee-house 
 keeper, who was fining the fragrant beverage 
 
 y
 
 THE PUBLIC BREAKFAST. 287 
 
 before a large fire, in a great copper coftee-jx>t. 
 " For, if it vosh ony French — "^ accompanying 
 his question with a thousand strange gesticula- 
 tions — " Vy then — Vas it not peddare, vot little 
 Isaac, cannot find it no more — and charge 
 Mishtar Chonshons for shilvcr ?'' 
 
 Mordecai, shrugged— wrinkled his brow, and 
 shook his head. 
 
 " For vot ?" exclaimed the old Jew, extend- 
 ing his arms, and spreading his hands : " Did 
 ^ou shteal the trumpet. — Did i/ou advische the 
 trumpeter to valk off vith it — Vot ish it to you ? 
 I know you are a goot young man, andt never 
 lay you handt on nothing at all vot ish not your 
 own, for it ish dangerous for to be a thief in 
 times ash these : but — ven an advantage is 
 thrown fairly in the man's vay — It ish all as a 
 matter of pusiness." 
 
 " But it ish silver," said IMordecai. 
 
 " O then ?' replied old Haggilar, resuming 
 his employment. " O I then, I vosh have 
 nothing at all to say farther of the mattershc — 
 more as this — never lay your hands, young man, 
 on nothing at all, vot ish out of your reach. 
 That is the advishe vot I always tid give to his
 
 288 THE PUBLIC BREAKFAST. 
 
 fadare/' pointing to his grandson, the coffee- 
 house keeper, " tid I not Haggilar, and to all 
 mine generations ?' Old Haggilar was more 
 than ninety years of age, and bent almost 
 double. 
 
 " You had some times of difficulty to gador 
 your musishioners togedare, Mordecai, vosh it 
 not?'" " Verc did you find him all six!" en- 
 quired the younger Haggilar. 
 
 " Vy — 1 vent me to the Horse-guards, and 
 says I to an old soger, not on duty, have you a 
 mindt of somewhat to drink comrade^" 
 
 Ah — that ish the metod," said old Haggilar, 
 '^ ven, I vosh a young man, apoud your times 
 of age, ven old Queen Elishabet, vot vos ash 
 proper a fine voman as you should meet you — 
 I vosh shent by my master, the grandfather of 
 your predecessor, Chemes Farr^ vot kept this 
 plessed house, and died him, poor man, in the 
 Fleet — I vosh shent to the Vitehall palace, mid 
 a peaudeful vig^ vot the queen wore ven she 
 vosh going to head her own army against the 
 Spaniard at Tileshpury-fordt. So, it vosh of a 
 christian sabbath, and the plaguards the pages 
 and some other peopleish, footmen apoud the
 
 THE PUBLIC BREAKFAST. 289 
 
 court, cries him out, ' Here ish a Jew barber! — 
 Jew INIordecai ! — Jew IMordecai I — give him 
 some pork !' — and I should have got me a 
 leathering — vot if not a murdering besides, ony 
 I vent to a grandt-ty-deer, andt saish I, soger, 
 vosh you a mindt to go and have something to 
 drink master soger ? ' Yes I vosh, mid all 
 mine soul" says he, for all sogers vill go to the 
 devil for you, give him enough of drink. Veil 
 then, says I, go mid me to the Lord Chamber- 
 lain's abartments, first, and we shall have som.e 
 strong beer togeder after. So, he goes, and not 
 von of the rogues so moche as dared to loll out 
 his tongue, nor put his little finger upon me, 
 and I vosh a friend in mine heart to a soger, 
 even from this blessed epoch, vot ish now more 
 as seventy years times since. Veil, vot did the old 
 soger get you to the market, vere you shall fetch 
 me some trumpeters. Now, Mordecai, vcn I vosh 
 a young man. Petty France vos sure to tindt 
 lodgings for all the musishioners vot marched 
 in the queen's band, vot a fine body it vosh ! 
 Ah ! vot a pargain mine fadare made in the 
 second hand clothings of the sergeant-trum- 
 peters, and her majeshty's peef-eaders ! 
 
 VOL. I. o
 
 290 THE PUBLIC BREAKFAST. 
 
 " God Amighty — I dare say it v^osh," replied 
 Mordecai — " Veil, it vosh just so at presheot ; 
 so the old soffer and mineself soon understood 
 vun and another, and off we Avent to Petty 
 France, as you say." 
 
 " At the shign of the Cock ?" said old Hag- 
 gilar, raising his little grey eyes, and lifting up 
 his shrivelled hands. 
 
 " Strichke me funny, vy the very same, " ex- 
 claimed Mordecai ; " so says I, to the landlord. 
 Mine good fellow, vot, ish there any good mu- 
 sishioners, more especially some trumpeters, vot 
 vants a good job ? ven that old sot of a saint, 
 vot has boned mine silver trumpet, comes forth, 
 and says, — he vosh half tdrunk at the same 
 times — ^vot you Jew, are you going to the siege 
 of Jericho ? Says I, not at all, I am not a 
 man of Far, but a man of Peace, and if you 
 have a mindt for a good feast and monies 
 at the same times, I can help yon to vot ish 
 vorth your viles. So I soon goes me from the 
 Cock to the Fairfax Arms, in Tothill-street, 
 and there behind, I meets me, three other black- 
 guards, as tdrunk as the first ; all at shkittles — 
 spending their monies, with nothing in the vorld
 
 THE PUBLIC BREAKFAST. 291 
 
 to do. So vun comes and blows the tobacco 
 smoke in mine face, and says, ' Moses, \dll you 
 liave a game.^' So, says I, not for the present, 
 I have not any times to play, as 1 am come 
 about pusiness. Who has a mindt for some 
 gallows good feasting, and monies as well ? 
 Down goes the shkittle-powl, ' and vot shall 
 you give us to tdrink ?' so I pulls out mine 
 purse, and takes a golden Jacobus — and — I'll tell 
 you the rest some oder times," said Mordecai, 
 quitting the Rainbow, as suddenly as he entered 
 it, for little Isaak and the constable had brought 
 my trumpeter back, and Mordecai, whose hearing 
 was equally acute with his other faculties, heard 
 the preacher holding forth in the passage. 
 
 Old Haggilar and his grandson were left then 
 to wait for the continuation of Mordecai's story, 
 as he, flourishing his drawn scimitar, retreated, 
 clearing the way for the deserter trumpeter, 
 who was hand-cuffed, and marched onward to 
 the Devil. 
 
 " Here comes the old thief,'' said D'Urfey, 
 who was in the hall — " here Da\enant — Mohun 
 — hip — Caleb, we've got the master of the band 
 in custody — the old deserter." 
 o^
 
 292 THE PUBLIC BREAKFAST. 
 
 " Are you not ashamed, you grey-headed sin- 
 ner," said Davenant — " to preach, and rebuke, 
 and admonish, and set yourself up for a reformer, 
 you worthless old hypocrite ?"' 
 
 " God forbid !" replied the trumpeter. " It 
 was not I who took the trumpet."' 
 
 " Hey ! what !" exclaimed old Caleb—" Why 
 thou wicked fellow ! what are you going to lay the 
 theft at another man's door ? You are verily the 
 most incorrigible rogue that I have ever met 
 with. I am really shocked to see a man of your 
 years thus disgraced. You, who have got the 
 word of God by heart, as a body may say."" 
 
 " There is the failing,"* returned the trumpeter, 
 not at all abashed ; " there is the failing. May 
 a man not have faitli — and yet do wrong ? You 
 are blind to these things. The man in Adam, 
 was tempted to depart with that carnal instru- 
 ment — the new man approved it not — but the 
 old man prevailed. Hold-me-fast hath com- 
 mitted a trespass against worthless flesh — therein 
 the flesh hath failed. But the Lord judgeth of 
 the inward man — whom he hath appointed time 
 to repent. The Lord be praised, it is a carnal 
 trespass, wherein my outward members were
 
 THE PUBLIC BREAKFAST. 293 
 
 moved to evil, but my inward spirit rejoicetli 
 much — yea, I am comforted, the Lord hath 
 chosen whom he shall save/' 
 
 " You may preach ! — you are a remorseless 
 rogue — there is no being a match for these 
 saints," said Davenant. '' Take your trumpet, 
 my worthy Mordecai, and let us lock up the old 
 sinner in the cellar — give him no ^vine— nor let 
 him see the sight. There take hun away, the 
 hypocrite." 
 
 " ' Hozv are the mighty fallen, and the 
 weapons of war perished ! ' " groaned the trum- 
 peter, as he heard this sentence ; when the con- 
 stable, receiving the key, proceeded down stairs 
 with his prisoner, the Jew marching before with 
 his drawn scimitar, and Hold-me-fast was se- 
 curely locked in the cellar for stowing of empty 
 hampers. 
 
 " Here they come,'"* shouted the populace. 
 The band of trumpeters struck up, and the air 
 resounded with " God save the Kin^.'' The 
 
 o 
 
 bells rung merrily — the guns at the Tower and 
 the Park fired by a prepared signal — and the cry 
 was, " The King is now in his tent." It was
 
 294 THE PUBLIC BREAKFAST. 
 
 one o'clock, and his majesty had arrived in St. 
 George's Fields. 
 
 " What fine cattle !*" said Ferabosco, as the 
 gentlemen of Kent rode along, forming the van 
 of the cavalcade. 
 
 " How are you, your worship ? — Church and 
 King!*" exclaimed Tom D'Urfey, waving his 
 hat; and a noble fat friar-looking Avorthy re- 
 turned the salute. This was the jolly mayor of 
 Rochester, mine host of the Noah's Ark, a man 
 of sixteen stone, on a roan horse, a noble beast. 
 D'Urfey knew, or was known to most of the 
 principal innkeepers within fifty miles of the 
 city. His Anacreontic ballads were current 
 every where, and so was his credit ; for, as he 
 said, " he paid the piper with a soiigT 
 « That's a fine old cock,'' said D'Urfey ; " I 
 have got royal with old Admiral Blake, at his 
 worship the mayor's, more than once, for though 
 my old Neptune was a roundhead he was no 
 saint. There was he, and Har/y Marten, and 
 Master Ingoklsby, would sit and smoke, and 
 drink punch and swear, and be smutty, and 
 get you as drunk as lords."
 
 THE PUBLIC BREAKFAST. 295 
 
 " What a prodigious cavalcade 1" said Dave- 
 nant, stretching himself forward to see the extent 
 of this first division ; " why there is no end to 
 them !" 
 
 " How goes it ? " bawled D'*Urfey to another 
 and another ; " are you men of Kent, or Kent- 
 ish men ? " The horsemen shook their javelins 
 at the wag; that was a joke many centuries old. 
 Then came the flags and streamers, a band of 
 musicians and kettle drums. The trumpeters 
 on the balcony gave them a flourishing salute, 
 and this joyous posse of cavaliers shouted 
 " Long live the King." 
 
 " What a fine body of men ! " exclaimed 
 Caleb Johnson. " If these had mounted them- 
 selves as gallantly for the good old king, we 
 should have never seen such sad doings as the 
 past.'' 
 
 " Come, none of your dismals, my noble 
 host," said D'Urfey; '* the king is in heaven, 
 no doubt, and why should we repine ? Let us 
 drink to the men of Kent," having a bottle 
 ready ; when he and mine host, filling a goblet 
 of sack each, holding them aloft, drank, and the 
 shouts of the cavalcade, and the flourish of
 
 296 THE PUBLIC BREAKFAST. 
 
 trumpets, proclaimed tlie toast with a hearty 
 huzza. 
 
 Mordecai waited on the balcony until the last 
 of these prancing horse had passed Temple-bar, 
 when his good nature prevailing over his resent- 
 mentj he stole down to the cellar, and thumping 
 at the door with the hilt of his scimitar, he 
 bawled J " Hip, mine old chentlemans ; vot, 
 shall I bring you some bible for you to read in 
 the tarX') by your invard ligsht ? or, are you 
 seeking ? Vot, if your faith, Mishter Hold-me- 
 fasht, shall you findt a flask of vine ? But vot 
 vos your fun for to morris off vith mine silver 
 trumpet ? I vosh up to you, mine old preacher, 
 as far as you vosh a vicked hypochrite. But, 
 Godamighty if I never sushpected vot you vosh 
 a gallows old thief. Veil, vot if I goes to the 
 good chentlemens above, and clears you out of 
 limbo, vill you go to vork and keep sober until 
 night times ? I don't vont to be hard ; strichke 
 me flat if I bears no malice for nobody." 
 
 " The Lord's will be done!" answered the 
 old trumpeter. " I admonish you, thou stifl- 
 necked Israelite, to leave off thy swearing and 
 blasphemy. What I have done, I have done.
 
 THE PUBLIC BREAKFAST. 297 
 
 But the Lord see — est not as man see — est. 
 What is darkness, or imprisonment, or fetters, 
 or scourges.^ What is railing or spitting, judg- 
 ing or scorning ? What is all carnal tribulation ? 
 The Lamb of Israel has suffered ten thousand 
 fold for me ! " 
 
 " O, mine soul ! Vot if it ish not of no use 
 at all to sphend vuns breath to talk to him. It 
 vosh at the same times a pity ; for Godamighty ! 
 as sure as I vosh a sinner, this old trumpeter ish 
 mad— gone clean out of his senshes. The more 
 ish the pity, vot it vosh, to keep him locked up 
 in the tark ;"' when having achieved this so- 
 liloquy, he hastened to Sir William Davenant, 
 to beg for the hteration of the reckless old 
 fanatic. 
 
 The centre of the street was now clear for a 
 while ; this advance of the cavalcade going to 
 Whitehall, hence through the old Horseguards, 
 onwards through St. James's to Hyde Park, to 
 salute each palace ; Hyde Park was the general 
 rendezvous for marshaling the return of the 
 mounted cavaliers. 
 
 ^'Hoo-o-o! Ha-ha-ha! What now.?'' The 
 shouting travelled from afar all along the crowds 
 o3
 
 298 THE PUBLIC BREAKFAST. 
 
 who filled the stands erected by the various cit\' 
 companies, or who were wedged several deep 
 behind the continued posts and rails all along the 
 city from London Bridge to Charing Cross ; the 
 road too was entirely spread with fresh gravel 
 the whole distance. Every one was eager to 
 know the cause of this shouting, when, speeding 
 along fast as the sound of the shouts, appeared 
 a terrified black spaniel, of King Charles's 
 breed, with a kettle tied to his tail : this cruel 
 frolic was perpetrated by a round-head, in de- 
 rision of the returning family. The thoughtless 
 populace, even the high and the low, joined in 
 the hootinti^ and shoutino^ that still urj^ed for- 
 
 o o o 
 
 ward the persecuted animal. 
 
 '' Vot a shame — vot a shame ! " exclaimed 
 Mordecai, the fierce looking Turk. " Blister 
 mine body from the crown of mine head to the 
 sole of mine foot all over, vot if I voudent rather 
 be half murdered mineself, at any times rather 
 as hurt a dumb animal.'' 
 
 E\rery one laughed at the vehemence of the 
 grand Turk, unwittingly no doubt. There 
 were tens of thousands of spectators, and no 
 sight. A dog, with a cannister tied to his tail,
 
 THE PUBLIC BREAKFAST. 299 
 
 a runaway horse, with a scared rider, or an 
 over-drove ox, would have been hailed alike with 
 joy. There was nothing to excite, and no time 
 for commiseration. 
 
 " Schmite me cold! " proceeded Mordecai ; 
 " vot if evry body ish not delighted vith cruelty 
 I am glad at mine heart poor Cuckoo ish tead." 
 
 " €uckoo," said Tom D'Urfey ; *' and who 
 the devil was Cuckoo ? " 
 
 " He vosh mine proder Ruben's tog; vot 
 voudn't eat nothing at all ven his master fell in 
 a hole at Limehouse, in the hard frost, as vos 
 drow^ned, not for a plessed veek ; and he held 
 him by the neck in the vater till he vosh froze as 
 hard as a bit of alablastar, and nobody vent to 
 help the young man. So he vent evry day, and 
 howled him as long as the frost lasted, over the 
 hole, and foundt his mashter some times after as 
 the frost vos broke. There he vosh, from times 
 to times, howling for his mashter ; and starved 
 as thin as the thick end of a penny slice of cheese 
 in the hard times of scarceshty in the late wars. 
 Cuckoo all the viles voudn't take a morshel of 
 noting at all from the peopleish on the ice, not 
 till I heard of my poor tog ; and ven I fetch t
 
 300 THE PUBLIC BREAKFAST. 
 
 liim, the old chentleinan, vot keeps Limehouse 
 Dock, says, ' IVIordecai, I vill give you five 
 Jacobushes for the fine creatur.' Ven, as I am 
 a vicked sinner, I refused his moneish ; strichke 
 me flat, vot if I voudn't rather put a leathern 
 strap upon him, and sJiam-Ahram, blind, and 
 beg mine bread with Cuckoo." 
 
 " What, and the dog is dead — hey Mordecai ?" 
 said old Caleb. 
 
 " Thats vot hevosh, Mashter Chonsons — 
 many is the leatherings vot I have had for 
 Cuckoo, for because I vosh a Jew, evry vun 
 voud have a kick at him. Love me, love mine 
 tog, says I ; and I vounce fought a sailor on 
 Tower-hill, till we were both picked up for tead. 
 Godamighty forgive me, but if I voudnt rather 
 fight for a tog, than a Christian.*' 
 
 " A Christian ! hey, IVIordccai .^" said old 
 Caleb. " No, no, my good Mordecai — say not 
 
 " Ony because a Christian preaches all apoud 
 peace and good vill, and schmite mine pones, I 
 do not mean not any offence — if he ish not 
 cruel to his bea^t, and always murdering of vun 
 anodcr for noting at all."
 
 THE PUBLIC BREAKFAST. 301 
 
 Suddenly the shouting was now heard coming 
 from the west, the dog had been hunted from 
 the east. Mordecai immediately disappeared, 
 made his way into the street, and proceeding 
 through Temple-bar, returned swift as the wind 
 after the brute, as if old scratch was at his own 
 heels. This was a sight indeed, to see, as though 
 he had dropped from the moon, a fierce looking 
 Turk, magnificently clad, with a shining 
 scimitar in hand, flying with preternatural 
 speed after a dog with a cannister at his tail. 
 So fierce was the appearance of this strange ap- 
 parition, that those who occupied the front seats 
 in the stands, felt themselves disposed to seek 
 their safety, by rushing behind their neighbours, 
 and indeed the front ranks all along the street 
 were crowding into the rear. Tlie sight was too 
 sudden and too strange for comprehension, when 
 the dog being driven back, ■Vlordecai made a 
 spring, and caught the scared beast by the tail, 
 receiving for his humane interference, a severe 
 bite of the hand. He adroitly, however, seized 
 him by the back of the neck, and taking him in 
 his arms, deliberately made his way back again.
 
 302 THE PUBLIC BREAKFAST. 
 
 amidst the shouts of the mob, who supposed the 
 animal might be the favourite dog of some 
 foreign grandee — or any other surmise that 
 might seem to suit the sudden and extraordinarv 
 circumstance : every one of which, one might he 
 sworn was wrong:. 
 
 " What surprising fellows these Turks must 
 be !*' said one old citizen politician to another, 
 turning up his eyes, as they took a glass of wine 
 together in their covered stand. " Yes," answer- 
 ed the other ; *' if they are so terrible in pursuit 
 on foot — mercy on us, who could escape them 
 on their Barbarian horses ! God keep old 
 England from the yoke of the Pope, and the 
 Turk ! " 
 
 •' Ave, neio^hbour — I agree with vou totlbu-s 
 manibus," said another ; " God help us, what a 
 mercy that we live in an island ! for as these 
 Infiaelious shavers keep as many wives as they 
 can catch — whose wife would be safe, if they 
 were to conquer us ?"' 
 
 " Serious — serious, indeed !" exclaimed a city 
 deputie's wife, who was considered to be a clever 
 lady. " Now I see — I see— no doubt they are
 
 THE PUBLIC BREAKFAST. 303 
 
 called Musclemeti, from their wonderous, 
 powerful muscles: for did you ever see such 
 monstrous strides in mortal man ?"" 
 
 " Doubtless, madam,'' returned another portly 
 lady. " Heaven have pity on the female 
 Christian women, as have the misfortune to be 
 captivated by the Turkish -rovers, and carried 
 into slavery, by such muscle men as these !" 
 
 "Not, madam,'" observed the first lady speaker, 
 " but what I have been creditahlij informed by 
 an English captain, that although they are ex- 
 tremely spiteful to the men, they are very 
 aubsiqious and tender to their lady prisoners. 
 For you might observe, how kind and gentle he 
 was to his dog, when he had caught him, although 
 the poor inoffensive animal bit him so on the 
 hand/' 
 
 " I am shocked to hear you talk so idly, 
 Mistress Gotobed," said her spouse. " How 
 can you, Sarah, give ear to such opprohious ac- 
 counts as these ; for in an extract of a letter, 
 from a correspondent at Moggadore, in yester- 
 day's IMercury, I gather that these Turkish- 
 rovers are as ferocious in their amours as entire 
 cannibals. Never talk so, Mistress Gotobed, as
 
 304 THE PUBLIC BREAKFAST. 
 
 it is not becoming in times like these, more 
 especially, when it is considered that the cavaliers 
 are not overburthened— with what you under- 
 stand me, gentlemen — I need say no more. A 
 word to the wise is enough. So, gentlemen and 
 ladies,"*' taking off his glass, ''here is my humble 
 service to you;" adding, " Mrs. Gotobed — now 
 clo let me beg of you to cover your neck a little 
 at any rate — for as sure as I live you will take 
 cold, exposed as yovi are to the air." 
 
 It was the custom of the times^ for those 
 ladies who affected the newly imported fashions 
 from France — to expose their bosoms ; a custom 
 more agreeable to the single gallants, than to 
 the sober married citizens. *' Fortunately for the 
 amateurs of this living show of camatio7is,'" as 
 liob Fuller, the painter, observed to Tom 
 D'Urfey, " this morning's atmosphere is mild 
 and beautiful as May about to wed with June.'' 
 Even certain aged men, the old gallant?, were 
 wont to say, on looking back to this memorable 
 sight — " O ! what a day was that of the Restora- 
 tion !" 
 
 When Mordecai returned with the dog, the 
 cavaliers, who had already arrived, were seated
 
 THE PUBLIC BREAKFAST. 305 
 
 in the first floor, (the room called the Apollo) 
 at a splendid cold collation. " Why, what a 
 chace you have had," said Betterton — " you are 
 famous footed, Mordecai ; and, as Shakspeare 
 says, ' / would give a thousand pounds ^ I could 
 run as fast as thou canst.' "" 
 
 '* Vot a pritty tog, chentlemens — ish it not 
 ladies ?" addressing the two hostesses, still hold- 
 ing him in his arms, supporting the kettle, that 
 the weight might not further hurt his tail) which 
 was sufficiently injured by the string with which 
 it was girt ; for by the jirking of the kettle, it 
 had nearly cut it to the bone. " Poor fellow," 
 said the Jew, patting him gently, whilst Tom 
 D'Urfey undid the hgature vaih the scissors of 
 mine hostess, and the sagacious animal gratefully 
 licked the hand that yet gave him pain in setting 
 him free. 
 
 " Thou art a right good fellow, " said 
 Davenant, as soon as the dog was put upon his 
 feet, who wagged his tail, and thrust his cold 
 nose against every one's hand to be caressed ; 
 '* an excellent fellow, Mordecai," and pouring 
 out a brimmer of wine, " come let us drink 
 together."
 
 306 THE PUBLIC BREAKFAST. 
 
 " Not if you please," said Mordecai. " I 
 vosh rather vait, and take a little just now, 
 below with the trumpeters, I am obliged all at 
 the same times.' The refusal was made in 
 sheer modesty. 
 
 " Take your wine my hearty," replied Sir 
 AVilliam, when seizing his hand, he added, "the 
 fellow who will fight as thou hast done in the 
 cause of benevolence, be he Jew or be he Gen- 
 tile, is right worthy to partake of the cup with 
 a king !" 
 
 When Tom D'Urfey, as if inspired by the 
 occasion, burst out with great glee, 
 
 Let me drink with the fellow of temper so warm, 
 
 He'd encounter the foe 
 
 With the front of a lion ; 
 Yet so gentle withal, he'd not injure a worm, 
 
 Such a hearty I tell you 
 
 A friend may rely on ; 
 But as for your Simons who peer by a pool, 
 
 Vv^ith a rod and a line. 
 
 For ten hours together ; 
 With a maggot at one end, at t'other a fool, 
 
 Who drink water to boot. 
 
 Such are not worth a feather : 
 Sing — Old codger, cockchafer, nibble and bite, 
 O ! these are the pleasures of fishing.
 
 THE PUBLIC BREAKFAST. 307 
 
 There is old neighbour Izaak will squat by the hour, 
 
 With Cotton, and Colin, 
 
 Let'em sit if they chuse. 
 Singing ditties, the pretties in midst of the shower ; 
 
 As for me I hate water, 
 
 Aye — e'en in my shoes ; 
 Then leave asses like these to sit watching a float 
 
 Skilled in skinning a tad-pole, 
 
 Or gutting a minny ; 
 Whilst the cunning old Monks, fattened fish in a moat. 
 
 And left angling to Izaak, 
 
 And Cotton the ninney : 
 Sing — Old codger, cockchafer, nibble and bite, 
 O ! these are the pleasures of fishing. 
 
 There's Caleb's squire cook, he can spitch-cock an eel. 
 
 Or toss up a carp. 
 
 In a bottle of claret ; 
 Set a pike on the board, white as fillet of veal ; 
 
 Stew a tench, a John Doree, 
 
 A bream, or a mullet : 
 But as for old Izaak, who tells with delight. 
 
 How he coddles his fish 
 
 With some old mother civil, 
 I'd as soon be well cudgelled — as feast with the fright. 
 
 Let my fish be well dressed 
 
 By the cook at the Devil : 
 
 Sing — Old codger, cockchafer, nibble and bite, 
 
 O ! these are the pleasures of fishing.
 
 308 THE PUBLIC BREAKFAS'r. 
 
 " Well done, my D'Urfey," said Davenant, 
 *' you have a world of malice against the old 
 draper ; though with you I hate your fellows 
 who delight in torturing their fellow creatures." 
 
 " It vosh a great crimes against him vot 
 made us all, Mishter D'Urfey," said the Jew, 
 who stood behind the chair of the wit, whilst he 
 sang his song. " Now here ish this tog," patting 
 him, " come mine poor fellow — how nicely his 
 hair vosh curl. Godamighty, vot a shame ! 
 who voud believe, vot vun of the old king's breed 
 on a day like the present, voudent be protected 
 from persecution and malice, from the multitudes 
 of peoplesh, vot fill the streets and houses, to 
 Miold his son vot ish the lawful king, come 
 home again to reign, and to rule and govern in 
 the sheat of his forefathers." 
 
 " You speak like a sensible good hearted 
 fellow," said Betterton, when Mordecai, who 
 had received his instructions from mine host, 
 went into the next room to the balcony, to 
 escort the trumpeters to get some refreshment 
 in their quarters below. 
 
 The party were now joined by a number of 
 choice spirits, and the bottle began to circulate ;
 
 THE PUBLIC BREAKFAST. 309 
 
 Caleb had furnished the guests with excellent 
 wine— and a magnificent bowl of punch gave 
 its fragrant fumes to the apartment. 
 
 Amongst others came Shirley the poet, and 
 old Rivet the brazier, who was as original a 
 humourist as the greatest wag of his day — in his 
 own way ; with whom came another, who wanted 
 only the stimulus of a few bumpers of Caleb's 
 nectar to set the table, now at a little past noon, 
 to the mirthful pitch of midnight. 
 
 " ! give me wine — 
 Wine, with all the goblet can inspire,'' 
 
 chaunted D'Urfey as the poet entered, his boots 
 covered with country dust, " for here is the 
 prince of Butlers." 
 
 " Welcome to London, Sir Hudibras^'' said 
 Davenant, " how did you leave all friends in 
 Leicestershire.'^'' 
 
 " Faith," replied Butler, " they may answer 
 you metropolitan gentlemen for themselves ; for 
 I left none of them behind. The inns all along 
 the road for days past have been crowded with 
 cavaliers, thick as conventicles at love feasts. 
 Not a round-head visible — rebellion seems clean
 
 310 THE PUBLIC BREAKFAST. 
 
 snuffed out, and the saints themselves snuffle 
 loyalty. Kings and crowns are growing on 
 every sign-post, and village pies cock their cun- 
 ning heads aside, and mag, ' church and king.'' 
 Yet, ha, ha, ha, yet, as our quondam vicar 
 sap, your Englishmen are grave ones. The old 
 gentleman has foretold it all, since his highness 
 was thrown out of the saddle. Neighbour 
 Butler he has been wont to say, for this twelve- 
 month past^ — when shaking the ashes from his 
 pipe, and calling for another nipperkin of stout, 
 ' Loyalty, neighbour Butler, will be catching as 
 the itch — Sir — there will be a murrain of 
 
 loyalty.'" 
 
 " Well, I am rejoiced to see you," said 
 
 Davenant, shaking the poet cordially by the 
 
 hand. " I began to fear you would not come. 
 
 Why did you not bring the \-icar with you ? I 
 
 hope the old gentleman is well."* 
 
 ^' In excellent health and spirits. Sir William," 
 
 repHed Butler, " come up to town to kiss the 
 
 King's hand." 
 
 " And to put his clerical nose in the liie- 
 
 rarchycal trough for another living, ere he 
 
 dies, —hey, Master Samuel?" said D'Urfey.
 
 THE PUBLIC BREAKFAST. 311 
 
 " London is covered with hungry parsons, thick 
 as March crows in a fallow field ; gemini crack, 
 Master Butler, what a rummaging there will be 
 in Oliver's holes and corners, at Whitehall, for 
 obsolete mitres !" 
 
 " I have invited my old friend the vicar 
 hither. Sir William," said Butler, " we put up 
 our horses at the Angel, behind St. Clement's. 
 There was not a stall to be had at the George 
 and blue Boar. He is only gone to make a 
 call, and to procure a bed at a friend's in the 
 Temple — and he will join us anon." 
 
 " Come, Sir — what shall I help you to ?*' said 
 D'Urfey. " But first, suppose we take a glass 
 of'' — huzza, huzza — an universal shout suddenly 
 left the table without a guest — saving that 
 Tom caught Samuel by the cuff, saying, " He 
 was hanged zvJio lefl his liquor behind,^' and the 
 two tossed off each a bumper of sparkling sherry, 
 and then proceeded to the front room, and thrust 
 their heads amidst the throng of gazers upon 
 the balcony. 
 
 " Godamighty vat a peaudiful shight !" ex- 
 claimed Mordecai, who stood behind on tiptoe — 
 *' vot lots of golden lace ! I vonder if it ish all
 
 312 THE PUBLIC BREAKFAST. 
 
 real — vot a precious pargain for vun, vot asli 
 monies to take so many fine dresses second 
 hand, ven the spectacleish ish all done with, 
 and of no more use : vot a precious sum it vosh 
 burn for — mine dear eyes ! Vy, vot are you 
 afraid of mine tog," patting the poor animal, 
 who was crouching close to his heels, terrified by 
 the shouting, and the loud blast of the trum- 
 pets. " How the poor dumb beast ish frishtened, 
 Mishter Chonsons. Ah, poor prude beast, how 
 should you know better, vot ish of no sense — 
 all the vile, him vich ish coming ish of King 
 Charles's breed, as yourself, mine tog, vot, God 
 forbid, shall no more be the shport of fortune, 
 and be hunted by his Christian subjects, as it 
 vosh of a canishter at his royal tail. Very bad 
 times vot ish lately gone and past, Mishter 
 Chonsons. Schmite me, vot who voud have 
 thought as much shix months ago, vot ish gone. 
 Business vosh looking up, the vine trade is very 
 brisk — I can help you to some cargo of oranges 
 to-morrow betimes, they vill be dear, limes alto- 
 gether as veil. Pray, Mashter Chonsons, vere 
 shall I find me the key of that cellar verein that 
 old musishioner ish in limbo? it vosh a pity to
 
 THE PUBLIC BREAKFAST. 313 
 
 keep tlie poor man, rogue vot he vosh, in the 
 cold. It ish as veil to have his assishtance, for 
 six trumpeters vosh better as five, in such a 
 precious noise. At the same times he has touched 
 the moniesh, and is earning of noting at all by 
 saying his prayers in the dark." 
 
 " You are a fellow of a generous soul, a warm- 
 hearted fellow, I will say that for thee, Mordecai ; 
 So, here is the key, but have an eye upon him, 
 or he will rob you again. The wicked old man, 
 he is too great a rogue to be let loose." 
 
 The Jew descended, followed by his dog, and 
 unlocked the cellar door. Bow-wow-wow, 
 barked the sagacious beast, supposing, no doubt, 
 that his new master was in danger from a hidden 
 stranger, lurking in the straw, — bow- wow- wow. 
 The old trumpeter had emptied the hampers of 
 the straw, and made himself a bed, and was 
 snoring in a profound sleep. The fat cook, 
 hearing Mordecai and his dog, came forth from 
 the adjacent kitchen, when the Jew leading him 
 to the cellar, exclaimed, his hctnds — his eyes up- 
 lifted, and his very hair almost on end with 
 astonishment — " Strichke me flat as long as I 
 vosh, vot if I ever met vith such a go as this?. 
 VOL. I. r
 
 314 THE PUBLIC BREAKFAST. 
 
 See, Lord amighty, vot it vosh to be a saint — 
 Vet it vosh, moreover, to be vun of the elect. 
 For vun vot ish of the elect shall lie, shall rob 
 and shteal, and get you as tdrunk as a shwines, 
 so help mine wig, and all the whiles, ish con- 
 schienesh as quiet as this poor innocent prude 
 beasts, or a new born babe. So Mashter Hold- 
 me-fasht, since you are so comfortable after your 
 roguery, nevertheless mine heart vosh pity you 
 ven locked up in limbo. Remain vere you vosh, 
 
 and be d d;" when whistling off his dog — 
 
 quietly locking the cellar door again, and say- 
 ing to the cook with a significant shrug, " I hope 
 you vosh not of the elect, ^ he bounded up three 
 or four stairs at a step, to look after the five 
 other musishio?ierSy leaving the sixth to snore 
 through his nose trumpet, as he said to mine 
 host, " until he vosh tired ;" adding, " I have 
 seen enough of wickedness in Rosemary-lane, I 
 have met enough of cheats even in our syna^ 
 gogue, the more's the pity, Mishter Chonsons ; 
 but I am ready to shwear by the holy prophets, 
 I vosh never clap mine precious eyes upon so 
 great a sinner as vun of your saints." 
 
 The shouting, the tramping of such a multi-
 
 THE PUBLIC BREAKFAST. 315 
 
 tude of horses, the trumpets and kettle drums, 
 the discharge of cannon, the ringing of bells 
 now increased the universal joy almost to a deli- 
 rium of delight. First rode a gallant troop of 
 gentlemen, in cloth of silver, nodding right and 
 left to the ladies on the balconies and platforms, 
 erected before most of the houses of the more 
 opulent citizens ob the line of march ; near the 
 temple all was splendor, in front of every house 
 the general appearance formed a continuous 
 gallery of beauty, decked with pictured tapes- 
 try, and hangings, worked in cloth of silver and 
 cloth of gold. Not a cloud appeared, not even 
 vapour enough to throw one celestial streak upon 
 the blue heaven of that day. It would seem that 
 the glorious luminary lent all its rays to give 
 splendor to this terrestrial sight ; all was dazzling 
 brightness. 
 
 " What a magnificent spectacle !" said Master 
 Shirley to Davenant, " there is no stage scenery 
 can compete with this. Even the most gorgeous 
 costume will not do, no, not even as they do 
 these things in France. No, Sir, it wants the 
 pathos of reality. Heaven ! if the king has not 
 a soul almost supernaturally firm, this sight 
 p2
 
 316 THE PUBLIC BREAKFAST. 
 
 must shake him to the centre ; it is too brimful a 
 cup of extacy, — pray, God protect him ; such a 
 reception would try the virtue of more than 
 mortal rectitude. Holy Heaven be propitious 
 to his rule !" 
 
 " Here comes another band of gallants, how 
 glorious !"" said Betterton, " all invelvet coats, — 
 what a cavalcade ! I had no Conception of this. 
 'Who in the name of wonder, could believe 
 these — the same Londoners of six months ago ! 
 nay, but as many weeks. What ! can these be 
 the men that so lately were groaning, and fast- 
 ing, and praying, and digging in the city ditch ! 
 Men with mouths made for any thing but a 
 smile, now roaring mad with mirth and joy !" 
 
 " Ah, Sir," ejaculated old inihirley the poet, 
 '' ' All the world's a stage^ and all the men and 
 •women mei'ely players ; each has his entrance 
 and his exit, and each, in his turn plays many 
 parts J O ! thou wondrous bard, how true ! 
 I'faith, my poor head will scarcely bear this 
 moving scene," placing his hands on his mild 
 intelhgent forehead. " How do you feel. Sir 
 AVilliam Davenant.'^ It seems to me that the 
 houses are mo\nng along, and the horsemen
 
 THE PUBLIC BREAKFAST. 317 
 
 Standing still. Sir, the sight bewilders my 
 senses, I must make my exit. When entering the 
 window from the balcony, he seated himself to 
 recover from his giddiness. 
 
 '• A glass of Rhenish, my worthy Nestor — or 
 hold, mine hostess's thimble-full of coniac. Nay, 
 nay, my prince of poets, make not wry faces. 
 Even by the sober — gay monsieurs, 'tis dubbed 
 the liquor of life. Come, take it, and here goes, 
 my worthy — I will pledge you — next to the king, 
 our noble selves. That is the cordial, my king of 
 the drama, a dram is the one thing needful with 
 us cavaliers. Sir, all will now be right, and 
 thou mayest stand upon thine head and see the 
 sight. 
 
 ' Eau de vie— Eau de vie. 
 
 'Tis as good for you, sir, as for me.' " 
 
 Tan-tan- tan-tarara — Tan-tan-tai-ara. D" Urfey 
 flew to the balcony, " Here's a fine band of 
 trumpeters, and kettle drums, and flags, and 
 streamers. Ye Gods, here comes the city 
 cuckolds, " whispered the merry wag to 
 Master Samuel Butler. " Look, look, the old
 
 318 THE PUBLIC BREAKFAST. 
 
 cit will be spilt, see how his white charger is 
 rearing and prancing, bolting and kicking. 
 Hold fast behind, your worship." 
 
 " Pray, who is he that leads this tan-tan- 
 tarara?" enquired Butler. 
 
 " Alderman Robinson," replied D"Urfey, 
 " and a notable old buck he is. He has be^n 
 very instrumental in moving the city in this late 
 happy business ; what fierce looking shavers, all 
 in bufF coats, ye Gods— and cloth of silver! 
 How bright, how sparkHng, shining like bask- 
 ing trout, the cods' -heads ! I say, Davenant — 
 O the deuce, he is too deeply engaged with 
 mine hostess ; well, you have an eai*. I say, 
 Butler, now who the devil would purchase these 
 silver clad wise-acres, these yesterday loyalists, at 
 their own valuation .^ Butter-men, horn-spoon 
 manufacturers, dry-salters, cotton-spinners, 
 comb-cutters, curriers and comfit makers. Cry 
 your mercy, what a cavalcade of comical codgers ! 
 Fine rosy-gill'd topers too, some of them. That 
 is right, my trumpeters, tan-tan-tan-ta-ra-ra-ra, 
 rogues all, God save the King, these are the 
 subjects for you, ray noble Carolus ; get into 
 the good graces of these, kiss their wives, and
 
 THE PUBLIC BREAKFAST. 319 
 
 you will not want grease to your wheels, to 
 drive your royal car over the shoulders of your 
 loving subjects." 
 
 *' What venerable old cit is that, nodding to 
 Isaak Walton, over the way ? who is he, on 
 that long-tailed skittish beast P"*' enquired Butler. 
 
 " He — why, that is old Christopher Clithe- 
 row, one of the staunchest friends of the mar- 
 tyred king; as worthy a guest as any in the 
 city of London. He and I have often toasted 
 the present king. ' Please God,' said he, in this 
 very house, ' if I Hve to cross a horse, and I 
 will ride in the city troop on the day of the 
 restoration.' How gallantly the old loyalist sits 
 his charger ; Sir, he was mayor flve-and-twenty 
 years ago, and then, as it was said, an old man. 
 Good lord, and there is old Rowland Back- 
 house, he who served sheriff* the year I was 
 born. He was an Exeter man, and a school- 
 fellow of my worthy dad's. Johnson, there is 
 our old friend, I should not wonder if we see 
 him toddhng in at the devil to-night. Mercy 
 on us, and there is Mister Sheriff" Gayer, old 
 Jonny Gayer^ and a gayer ever-green you shall 
 not name within the sound of Bow-bell. Lord,
 
 320 THE PUBLIC RREAKFAST. 
 
 >vhy, what a number of ancients — there goes 
 one, what— confound his name, an old dry \x)ne 
 as rich as the Tower-mint. Surely, it is old 
 Allen Cotton ; yes, I know him by the length of 
 his fork, damme he rides just as he used, strad- 
 dling like a pair of compasses, he is a loyal old 
 cock though. How d'ye do, sir, how d ye do ?"' 
 bawled Tom, taking oflP his hat, " I'll wager 
 you he will drop in by and by," said D'Urfev. 
 " Ah," nodding to another, " that is old Tommy 
 Andreics of Port-soken, a good fellow as ever 
 lived, and a warm one too. He was sheriff the 
 
 year that that d d hypocritical round-head 
 
 Isaac Pennington was mayor ; and lord mayor 
 himself the year the good old king was brought 
 to the block. Old Abey Reinardson dying in 
 his mayoralty. There, look at that noble speci- 
 men of healthy fat ! that is my old friend, John 
 Bide, and there is Thomas Foot, another She- 
 riff, aye. Sir Thomas, you were one of old 
 NoWs knights, who would have thought of 
 seeing you here ! ' One foot in the grave, the 
 other hardly out ortt^ as the old women say. 
 Yes, my namesake, old Tom, you put your 
 foot in it there; but, I suppose he has repented
 
 THE PUBLIC BREAKFAST. 321 
 
 him, and intends going to heaven in Elisha s 
 mantle. Well ! better late than never, if these 
 cjuondam starched sober saints do not go to bed 
 regularly drunk to-night, aye ! every man of 
 them ! then may I be shut up in the small beer 
 cellar, left to fast and pray with trumpetting 
 Hold-me-fast. Heavens ! why there is no end 
 to them. Come gents, this is only the same 
 thing over again, let us retire awhile — when the 
 king comes, we will turn out on the balcony, — 
 come Davenant, and you Betterton and Butler, 
 you will not play the skinker. Let us go and 
 -4?ontrive to muster a party for a pipe, there is no 
 bearing such a long piece of loyalty without 
 something to compose one, between the acts. 
 Ah ! here are our choice ones," when in came the 
 players, Mohun, Noakes, Kynaston, Burt, and 
 several others, the principal performers engaged 
 for the King's and the Duke's company, who had 
 engaged to meet to keep it up in the afternoon. 
 These surrounded the table, and each began to 
 relate what he had seen in his ramble at different 
 parts of the town. These again were soon in- 
 creased by the arrival of Robert Walker, Mat- 
 thew Barlow, and a knot of worthy cits, leading 
 p 3
 
 322 THE PUBLIC BREAKFAST. 
 
 men, in their respective wards. All, whatever 
 they might have been, now enthusiastic loyahsts. 
 All assembled for the avowed purpose of getting 
 a skinful of punch and wine, in honour of Church 
 and King. 
 
 " Glorious news for our friend, Sir William," 
 said Walker. 
 
 " What, and who?" enquu'ed every one. 
 
 *' Why, gentlemen, for Ingoldsby. He has 
 been sent for by the general, and rides in the 
 royal guards, before the king. He is in Lord 
 Gerard's troop. I saw him in St. George's 
 fields — there w^ll be several officers here to- 
 night, I hear, as soon as they are dismissed in 
 the park. They tell me the cavalcade extends 
 for miles. It will be late ere the king gets to 
 Whitehall.'' 
 
 " There — did I not say so,'' cried D'Urfey, 
 clapping his hands. '' Come then, let us set to, 
 my nobles — AVe cannot shew our loyalty so roy- 
 ally as drinking a sober glass to the cause. 
 There will be time enough for diinking after 
 his majesty is past Come, gentlemen — who 
 shall we vote to the chair ? Betterton — Better- 
 ton, cried all. — So he took the chair by general
 
 THE PUBLIC BREAKFAST. 3^3 
 
 acclamation. Fill your glasses, gentlemen. All 
 filled ? — The toast standing. The twenty-ninth 
 of May, and God preserve our king ; the trum- 
 peters had the cue, and a magnificent flourish 
 once more proclaimed the toast. Come, D'Urfey, 
 my hearty, cannot you open the ball with some, 
 thing appropriate to the joyous occasion." 
 
 " I am always obedient to the call of mirth,' 
 said the social Tom : " but first, let us give 
 orders, master president, for a recruit of this 
 Chinese reservoir of smoking nectar. Ho, 
 drawer, replenish the bowl. Come, my loyal 
 friends, light your pipes, and draw on your 
 night-caps, for my ballad is long. But, gents, 
 all you who do not smoke the fragrant weed, I 
 enjoin to join chorus. 
 
 " Old Oliver's gone to the dogs, 
 Oh ! no I do mistake ; 
 He's gone in a wherry 
 Over the ferry, 
 That's called the Stygian Lake : 
 Bat Cerberus, that grim porter. 
 Did read him such a lecture. 
 That made him to roar 
 When he came ashore. 
 For being the Lord Protector,
 
 324 THE PUBLIC BREAKFAST. 
 
 " Chorus, gentlemen :"" 
 
 JVeit'5 — Xeivs — News, 
 Brave Cavaliers all be merry ; 
 Cheer up your sad souls 
 With Bacchus' s howls 
 Of Claret, White, and Sherry. 
 
 Where is that rascally crew. 
 Those of the old king's jury ! 
 
 By thy d — d soul 
 
 Go fetch them Noll, 
 Quoth Pluto in his fury. 
 Where is old Joan thy wife ? 
 Her highness fain would see ; 
 
 Come usher her in, 
 
 She shall be my queen. 
 For a cuckold thou shall be. 
 
 Chorus — News, — news, &c. 
 
 Make room for a rumpincj lady, 
 One of the devil's own race. 
 
 That ugly witch, 
 
 That heartless 
 
 Who spat in the king's sweet face: 
 I'll make her a lady of honour, 
 Quoth Pluto, let her in,
 
 THE PUBIJC BREAKFAST. 3*25 
 
 So open the door. 
 And Pluto he swore 
 She should wait upon his queen. 
 Chorus — News, news, &c. 
 
 Here comes Sir Henry Martyn, 
 As good a one I wist. 
 
 This wenching beast, 
 
 Had girls, at least 
 A thousand on his list : 
 This m;»de the devils laugh, 
 So old a friend to see ; 
 
 At Pluto's court 
 
 There's better sport, 
 Come, thou shalt dwell witli me. 
 Chorus — News, news, &c. 
 
 Bid Charon bring his boat. 
 Here comes a man of fame. 
 
 Who hath waited here 
 
 For more than a year, 
 Jack Bradshaw is his name : 
 — ho ! quoth Pluto then. 
 As loud as he could yawl ; 
 
 By Ohver's nose, 
 
 I did really suppose 
 Thou hadst been at Whitehall. 
 Chorus, — News, news, &c.
 
 32G THE PUBLIC BREAKFAST. 
 
 Make room for a friend of mine, 
 Make room for the Lord Lisle ; 
 
 His guests at last, 
 
 Did come so fast, 
 That made old Pluto smile. 
 Thou must along with me, 
 Now 'tis too late to rue it. 
 
 Thy sable soul 
 
 Is in my scrowl. 
 Remember Doctor Hewet. 
 Chorus — News, news, &c. 
 
 Make room for one-ey'd Hewson, 
 A Lord of such account, 
 
 'Twas a pretty jest, 
 
 That such a beast 
 Should to such honour mount : 
 When cobblers were in fashion. 
 And nigherd.s in such grace, 
 
 'Twas sport to see 
 
 How Pride and he 
 Did jostle for the place. 
 Chorus — News, news, &c. 
 
 O welcome, doctor Peters, 
 And Comet Joyce also, 
 One of these twain 
 Was worse than Cam, 
 That gave the deadly blow :
 
 THE PUBLIC BREAKFAST. 327 
 
 One of those deadly rogues, 
 Was he that did the feat. 
 
 But some men say, 
 
 'Twas that Lord Gray 
 That made the work complete. 
 
 Chorus — News, news, &c. 
 
 God bless the King's good grace, 
 And keep him from his foes, 
 
 I wish the rather. 
 
 Because his father 
 . Had too — too many of those ; 
 God bless the Duke of York, 
 His sister, and his brother, 
 
 Accurst be those 
 
 That do oppose 
 The sending for the mother. 
 
 News, news, news. 
 
 Brave Cavaliers all be merry ; 
 
 Cheer up your sad souls 
 
 With Bacchus' s bowls 
 
 Of Claret, JVhite, and Sherry. 
 
 (Vide Loyal Songs, written between 1639 and 1661.) 
 
 " A very pleasant ballad, very witty, and very 
 true,"" said old Rivet.
 
 328 THE PUBLIC BREAKFAST. 
 
 " A good song upon my troth," added Shir- 
 ley, " and I know the author writ it from the 
 lieart ; there are many, however, now courting 
 the lyric muse, to bestow some loyal inspiration, 
 whose ink is not blacker than their malignity. 
 The king, with all his wits about him, will have 
 enough to do to discover who are his real 
 friends — for all will affect services, which few 
 have performed. The hypocrisy of loyalty 
 will take place of the impostureship of religion ; 
 and the greatest traitors at heart will become 
 the most obsequious courtiers. Happily, as I 
 hear, the king is a prince of great penetration — 
 one whom that observant nobleman, the Duke 
 of Buckingham says, is capable of understand- 
 ing things if he will, — which is a faculty that 
 seems to have been sparingly bestowed upon 
 sovereigns. I have ever thought it desirable, 
 that a free people should be governed by a 
 prince that knew hfe, by mixing himself with 
 the society of his fellow-men — Such an one 
 alone can justly appreciate human actions, — see 
 for himself, and not through the optics of his 
 ministers and minions. We shall now, by God's 
 blessing, put these speculations to the proof —
 
 THE PUBLIC BREAKFAST. 329 
 
 THE NATION HAS GREAT HOPES OF HIS 
 MAJESTY r 
 
 '' Write that up at Brilain's Burse, and Char- 
 ing Cross, in letters of gold,"" cried all. 
 
 *' Your observations are very sage, very so- 
 ber, and very just, my excellent moralist," said 
 Tom D'Urfey — thou art a perfect cy Under of 
 reflection, whilst he who writ that song, me- 
 thinks, like a skittle, is only great in the middle, 
 — not, friend Butler, that thine enemy should 
 dub thee a middle icitted man in my awful pre- 
 sence, shaking his ponderous wig, though thou 
 art little at both ends, — worth not a tobacco- 
 stopper when sober, nor a worthless tooth- pick 
 when drunk— excuse me, Sam, — but delectable 
 when primed with that which gave the glow to 
 Bacchus's cheek, — and that divine touch of 
 ruby upon the nose of wit." Butler had a red 
 nose. " So, as you and I are met on this happy 
 occasion, we will only drink to the middle by 
 (lay, and deeper at night."' 
 
 " I should like to take a peep at tlie court to- 
 night,"' said Mohun ; " there will be princely 
 carousing. A magnificent table is spread in the 
 old king's gallery at Wliitehall. One of tlie
 
 330 THE PUBLIC IJREAKFAST. 
 
 officers in waiting informed me this morning, 
 tliat covers are set for fifty, including ladies. 
 Some of the finest women in the land. Several 
 young ladies of rank are to strew the way with 
 flowers from Wolsey's-gate, along' the passage 
 all the way to the king's closet. There is more- 
 over a band of French fiddlers come over, who 
 play most skilfully it seems — in a style which 
 lias never been heard in England. In fact I 
 thought I was in France, for almost every one 
 I met of the household were gabbling French." 
 " French — French V exclaimed Nokes, — " why 
 there are ship-loads of Monsieurs arrived. 
 Barks freighted with frisseurs, caper-cutters, 
 and teachers of that gHb tongue ; I would fain 
 learn, only that I am by nature slow of speech. 
 1 must take a few lessons though — and have 
 purchased this," pulling out a snufF-box, rap- 
 ping it, and taking a pinch a la Francaise, 
 " that I may acquire the twang of splitting N 
 in half, and snuffling M. Lord help us — his 
 majesty is so used to the tongue, that we shall 
 have nothing but talking and fabac — Parlez- 
 ing instead of praying. I hate French, to be 
 stire," added the wag — " but better tliat than
 
 THE PUBLIC BREAKFAST. 331 
 
 the Other. Your conventicleists would catch it 
 quick, for they ai'e adepts at speaking through 
 the nose." 
 
 " Egad, sirs ! talking of that," added Kynas- 
 ton, " there is a French cook in the royal kit- 
 chen — the most fantastical frippon that ever 
 put a long nose over a stew-pan. Sirs, he was 
 strutting, mouthing, and grimacing, with more 
 extravagance of action, and giving himself more 
 heroic airs, than you, Mohun, in Mercutio, or 
 thou, Better ton, in Bobadil ; and all as I could 
 learn, about the important operation of tucking 
 a gizzard under the arm of a pullet. Sirs ! he 
 looks down as scornfully upon an English cuis- 
 inier, as pragmatical Prynne upon players : has 
 fought you some half dozen duels, wears 
 ear-rings bigger than quoits, and carries a bag at 
 his wig as long and empty as one of Tom 
 D'Urfey's ballads." 
 
 " God forbid ! but I fear we shall all be 
 Frencliified," said old Rivet, " it is so long- 
 since some of our loyal gallants have seen our 
 shores, that they must have almost forgotten the 
 mother tongue.""
 
 332 THE PUBLIC BREAKFAST. 
 
 *' And others, who boast of Enghsh birth/'* 
 said Nokes, " who never tasted roast beef and 
 plum pudding. The round-headed rogues — 
 who would have thought we Britons should 
 have lived to see the sad times when a Christ- 
 mas* feast was fearful ; when sirloin was sinful ; 
 plumb porridge, profanation ; and a nativity 
 pie, naughtiness ! Come, master Rivet, give us 
 your dismal ditty of Christmas." 
 
 The old brazier smiled, and laying down his 
 pipe, half shutting his eyes, and hemming and 
 ha-ing to clear his mellifluous voice, gravely 
 began ; — 
 
 " Now Christmas is come, let us beat up the drum. 
 
 And call our good neighbours together ; 
 And when they appear, let us make them good cheer, 
 
 That will keep out the wind and the weather. 
 To feast at this season, I think 'tis no treason, 
 
 I could give you a reason why ; 
 Though some are so pure, that they cannot endure 
 
 To behold a Nativity pye. 
 
 * The feast of Christmas was abolished by pro- 
 clamation.
 
 THE PUBLIC BREAKFAST. 33S 
 
 I cannot but wonder, that the soldiers should plunder, 
 
 For keeping our Saviour's birth; 
 For all Christians then, or I cannot tell when, 
 
 Should manifest joy — aye, and mirth. 
 But our saints, now-a-days, despise good old ways, 
 
 'Gainst which they both preach and pray ; 
 But to give them their dues, they're no better than 
 Jews, 
 
 That speak against Christmas day. 
 
 These love the good cheer, all the times of the year, 
 
 'Tis the birth-ilay that doth them annoy ; 
 Plum-porridge and brawn, and the doe and tlie fawn. 
 
 Are the creatures they love to enjoy. 
 They often have meetings, and then they have greet- 
 ings, 
 
 Such pulling of sisters about; 
 They preach and they pray, but I must not now say 
 
 What they do when the candles are out. 
 
 Yet I cannot forbear to tell, in your ear, 
 
 What befel at a breaking of bread ; 
 How a maiden full neat, went thither to eat. 
 
 But into temptation was led. 
 For these men of high merit, talk much of the spirit. 
 
 Are yet of the flesh now and then ; 
 For a new babe of grace owed its birth to the place 
 
 By a congregational man.
 
 334 THE PUBLIC BREAKFAST. 
 
 The Dippers and Ranters, and our Scotch Covenanters, 
 
 That brag of their faith and their zeal ; 
 These abound in their fainings, but I'll make no com- 
 plainings, 
 
 Nor will I their secrets reveal. 
 The poor cavaliers, that still live in fears 
 
 Of prisons and sequestration ; 
 Though they keep Christmas day, are more honest 
 than they, 
 
 But honesty's quite out of fashion. 
 
 If you view our great cities, and our country committees, 
 
 You will not find over-much there ; 
 The divines though they preach it, themselves do scarce 
 reach it, 
 
 And our lawyers have little to spare. 
 I could tell of some more, that hath no great store, 
 
 Of our gentry, both old and new ; 
 But I think it is best, with edge-tools not to jest, 
 
 Nor to speak all we know to be true. 
 
 (Vide Loyal Songs, written between 1639 and 1661 .) 
 ^' AVell sung, well sung, master Rivet," said 
 Nokes : '' you braziers of olden times, alias your 
 tinkers, had tuneable pipes. There was Tom 
 Turpin, of Tewksbury, would chime it merrily 
 as the bells. So, master Rivet, there is a tale 
 of a black man upon a black horse, bruited 
 about — hey ! is it true, my loyal brazer ?"
 
 THE PUBLIC BREAKFAST. 335 
 
 " True as the gospel, master Nokes," replied 
 llivet, " and I have writ to the court about it, 
 and it will come from its hiding-place all in good 
 time." This was the bronze statue of the late 
 king. 
 
 " Ah, by the way, I am glad to hear you say 
 so," eagerly observed Walker, the painter ; 
 " poor Le Soeur, how he was grieved when he 
 heard the round-heads had destroyed his handy 
 work : and is it really .preserved, master 
 Rivet ?"' 
 
 " Aye ! as sure as this is the birth-day of our 
 honoured king : it has been buried in our back- 
 side there, in Holborn, ever since I purchased it 
 of the Parliament." 
 
 " What, hey ! why, you wily old shaver ! 
 What, then, all the knives and forks which the 
 Tom-fools have been buying on both sides of the 
 post, have been bamboozled by the brazier," 
 said Nokes. 
 
 " Truly so:" answered the old trader, re- 
 lighting his pipe, with a smile and a nod, " and 
 a notable speculation to be sure it has been. 
 Heaven knows, I should not have broken it up 
 for old brass, even of my own wit; but one
 
 33G THE PUBLIC BREAKFAST. 
 
 evening comes to me, Master Stone, the mason — 
 and says he, ' Master Rivet, I verily think thou 
 art at heart an honest man, and a friend to the 
 good cause.' I am, Master Stone, said I, God 
 be praised, and have a son fighting for him, 
 though that is known only to ourselves in these 
 fearful times. ' Well, then,' said Master Stone, 
 ' let me conjure thee not to commit so un- 
 christian an act as to destroy that fine work of 
 art.' So, Sirs, we laid our two wise noddles 
 together, did we, and hit upon the scheme to 
 buy a quantity of old brass, and melt it down, 
 and then set it abroad, that John Rivet made 
 table-knives and forks, clasp knives, and what 
 not, with handles of the late king's statue.'' 
 
 " And a rare trade you trundled on, hey ?" 
 said D'Urfey. " Damme, old John, I wish I 
 had been partner in the concern. Why, how 
 many gross of this gross fraud did you manu- 
 facture .?" 
 
 " Ha, ha, ha ! fraud, Master D'Urfey. Well, 
 it was a pious fraud, if I am to credit what one 
 of the Oxford gentlemen told me — a high 
 church parson, too, I can assure you : a once 
 principal fellow of Christ Church."
 
 THE PUBLIC BREAKFAST. 337 
 
 " Cry your mercy —the devil a bit,'" said 
 Butler ; " I'll be sworn 'twas a fellow of Brazen- 
 nosey 
 
 " Ha, ha, ha ! you are so facetious. Master 
 Butler ; but, peradventure, it might, for aught 
 you know, be some loyal fellow of King's^ 
 
 AVhen all the jovial party again suddenly flew 
 from the table, as one universal shout proclaimed 
 — the King! — the King! 
 
 This, however, was not the true king which 
 excited the populace, but a procession of one of 
 the city companies, with flags and streamers, 
 followed by a spacious car, drawn by six horses, 
 and curiously made up with a profusion of green 
 boughs, with a figure dressed up for the occasion 
 in the midst, representing the king in the royal 
 oak, preceded by a numerous band of trum- 
 pets, clarinets, kettle-drums, and other instru- 
 ments. The contrivers of this pageant held 
 their heads high amongst the citizens, for no 
 sight as yet had been hailed with such demon- 
 strations of general deHght. 
 
 At length came the troops of cavaliers which 
 formed the van of the king's approach. Number- 
 less detached processions and pageants had been 
 
 VOL. I. a
 
 338 THE PUBLIC BREAKFAST. 
 
 passing for hours, but the sight now was more 
 gorgeous and imposing : nothing had equalled 
 the magnificence of the scene since the tri- 
 umphal entry of Edward the Black Prince, 
 with his royal prisoners, in the month of May, 
 three hundred and three years before. Every 
 division, composed of hundreds of loyal gentle- 
 men, was accompanied by trumpets, and all 
 were " gloriously habited, and gallantly 
 mounted.'^ 
 
 After these came trumpets, with banners 
 bearing the royal arms; the sheriffs' men in 
 scarlet cloaks, richly embroidered with silver, to 
 he number of fourscore, with half pikes in their 
 hands. Then followed six hundred liverymen 
 of London, selected from the several city com- 
 panies, on horseback, clad in black velvet, with 
 gold chains, each company being attended by 
 numerous footmen in rich liveries, with flags 
 emblazoned with their respective arms, and rich 
 devices. Then kettle-drums, trumpets, and 
 streamers, preceded twelve ministers at the head 
 of his Majesty's Life Guard of Horse, com- 
 manded by the Lord General, at whose approach 
 the acclamations were still more loud and last-
 
 THE PUBLIC BRE.\KFAST. 339 
 
 ing. Then the respective city officers, as the 
 mai-shal, with his footmen— the city hunt, and 
 the waits; then the two sheriffs, and all the 
 cildermen of the ditferent wards, gallantly 
 mounted, in their scarlet robes, attended by a 
 procession of footmen, in scarlet liveries, laid 
 with silver and cloth of gold ; then the heralds 
 and mace bearers, in their embroidered coats. 
 And now the shouts were encreased again, on 
 the appearance of the Lord Mayor, carrying 
 the sword of office, bare, with his Excellency 
 (the General) and the Duke of Buckingham 
 bare also, who preceded the main star of this 
 constellation of splendor which had so long daz- 
 zled the eyes of the spectators. But now, the 
 presence of the injured sovereign, then- lawful 
 prince, excited emotions of the heart, which the 
 voice could not express; nor could the eyes 
 steadily behold the object of their hope. The 
 exiled Charles was seen once more — but through 
 the misty medium of tens of thousands of living 
 optics, glistening with tears. 
 
 The pressure was so great about the temple, 
 that it was some minutes before the cavalcade 
 could again move on. Blessings and ejaculations 
 Q 2
 
 340 THE PUBLIC BREAKFAST. 
 
 of loyalty and affection, burst forth from every 
 mouth — the sacred effusions of the heart. Every 
 subject felt as though his individual voice should 
 reach the royal ear. 
 
 The king, mounted on a noble charger, sup- 
 ported on each side by his royal brothers, the 
 Duke of York and the Duke of Gloucester, 
 gracefull}^ bowed to the left and to the right, 
 with the most benignant smile. 
 
 " Blessings attend thy reign!" exclaimed 
 Master Shirley ; " for on thy royal face is writ- 
 ten reconciliation and forgiveness. O, England ! 
 O, my country ! thou hast been rebellious too 
 long !'' 
 
 The republican trumpeters on the balcony, 
 looked at each other with countenances expres- 
 sive of compunction : and never blew a blast so 
 loud and strong, as when he moved onward to- 
 wards his palace. " God forgive us, Shore," 
 said Swan, when Gwynn observed to the other, 
 whose name is forgotten, " We have been of the 
 wrong side, I fear.'' '« Yes," replied he, " it 
 was a bad business — I was ashamed to look the 
 king in the face." 
 
 "So was I," said Pliil Colchester; "I
 
 THE PUBLIC BREAKFAST. 341 
 
 wonder what that canting old thief, the saint, 
 would think of it, if he had been here. But, 
 however, I have some consolation — I left the 
 service of the round-headed rascals. D — d if 
 I don't work master Hold-me-fast for this. — 
 Well, God bless his Majesty, say I, and I wish 
 him a prosperous reign." In which the other 
 trumpeters heartily joined, and then they spon- 
 taneously blew another magnificent flourish, and 
 were the loudest in joining the general shout, 
 and huzzaing him out of sight. 
 
 " Vot a fine, agreeable, chenteel looking coun- 
 tenance of a prince he vosh. Mister Chonsons," 
 said Mordecai : " God Amighty send him better 
 luck than vot had his blessed father vot ish past 
 and gone. So much of joy, and processionings, and 
 shoutings, and trumpetings, brings to mind the 
 times of mine blessed forefathers returning from 
 the Babylonish captivity. Vot a joyous day for 
 England it vosh to be sure I Ah, Mishter Chon- 
 sons," shaking his head, and sighing, " surely 
 it ish the curse of civil vars vot vosh the de- 
 struction of the Israelites ; but the times shall 
 come when the children of Abraham, and Isaac, 
 Q 3
 
 342 THE PUBLIC BREAKFAST. 
 
 and Jacob, shall have a resting-place — when the 
 faithful shall have a kingdom vot ish his own. — 
 Meanwhiles, as Rabbi Schekim said the last 
 blessed Sabbath, in our s\Tiagogue, of his Ma- 
 jesty vot ish just come to town — ' Now, O Lord, 
 ish an acceptable times for this great nation. 
 Lo, may the peopleish rise up as a great lion, 
 and lift up himself as a young lion ; may he cry, 
 yea roar ; may he prevail against his enemies ; 
 may his majesty be extolled and raished up, 
 and in his palace may every one speak of his 
 glory ; may our eyes see the king in his beauty 
 — ^for lo ! he ish our shovereign Charles the 
 Shecondt ! So may he rule in peace, for he 
 leadeth ish peopleish like a flock ; so may God 
 continue him in peace, and his seed after him, 
 as long as the moon endureth.' Schmite me all 
 over, vot if it vosh not the finest dishcourse vot 
 I ever heard since I vosh born. Times shall be 
 better, Mishter Chonsons : and trade shall 
 flourish, and every man, of votever trades and 
 callings, shall procure his honest pread, vot ish 
 industrious, so help me God !" 
 
 All the worthies remained on the balcony
 
 THE PUBLIC BREAKFAST. 343 
 
 until the king's body guard had passed : when, 
 from his favourite Spenser, old Shirley ex- 
 claimed — 
 
 *' And after to his palace he them brings. 
 
 With shaumSf and trumpets, and with clarions sweet ; 
 
 And all the way the joyous people sings J ^ 
 
 '* What a memorable day is this. Sir William. 
 How >vill they who wTite of this hereafter — 
 those to whom we shall be ancients, wish they 
 had been witness of this glorious sight. What 
 are we to think of our forefathers, over whom 
 we vainly flatter ourselves to be so much supe- 
 rior; — for, what have those who hved in ages 
 past left us to invent ? All that imposes on the 
 sense, all that inspires to love, to war, religion, 
 joy, and sorrow, hath been designed of old : the 
 trappings of horse, the annour-clad knight, the 
 pealing organ, the solemn bell, the martial drum, 
 and regal trumpet, whose notes engender 
 thoughts of palaces, royal banquetting, and over- 
 awing beauty — all these were given us in rever- 
 sion, and all these this day are claimed and en- 
 joyed."
 
 344 THE PUBLIC BREAKFAST. 
 
 " Then straight commands, that at the warlike sounds 
 Of trumpets loud, and clarions, be upreared 
 The mighty standard — *' 
 
 spouted Betterton. " Thou art right, master 
 Shirley, the very name of trumpet — clarion, vi- 
 brates upon one's senses, and raises one above 
 the plodding thoughts of our common nature. 
 Hark ! how the attentive ear still follows the re- 
 ceding of the blast, and leads imagination on- 
 ward to Whitehall. What grand carousing will 
 be there. The king looks care worn methinks 
 — somewhat older than the description of his 
 majesty which Davenant drew. He bears 
 strongly the Stuart visage. Faith ! 'tis won- 
 derful how he escaped after Worcester fight, for 
 his features are too striking not to be known, 
 even by his portraits when a youth. They say, 
 we players are physiognomists — certainly I fieel 
 strongly prepossessed in favour of the phiz royal. 
 It is princely, methinks ; dignified, intelligent, 
 and above all, benevolent. I anticipate happy 
 
 " So do I, my dear Betterton," replied Dave- 
 nant ; " and I fervently hope, we shall profit of 
 them in friendly march together."
 
 THE PUBLIC BREAKFAST. 345 
 
 " Then,'' said Tom D'Urfey, " as I have 
 profited by a patient hearing of each of your 
 prosing declamations, let us commence the 
 happy times sur le champ, my nobles. It is 
 out of character to carouse by the light of the 
 sun, so I have voted that the sconces be lit up ; 
 and in a twinkling you will be bidden to the 
 board again, for this has been a broken sort of 
 day — What say you, Butler ?*" 
 
 " Haste thee, Momus, draw the curtain. 
 
 Crib from day remaining light ; 
 He's only half a wit, 'tis certain, 
 
 Who cannot add it to the night. 
 
 Patch night's mantle with the remnant. 
 
 Eke it out, an hour or two ; 
 Too short 'twill still be found, depend on't. 
 
 For what your topers have to do." 
 
 " Allons, allons, my cavaUers, Carolus is 
 come home again, and he is a rebel to all good 
 order — who will refuse to get soberly drunk fcM* 
 
 joy."
 
 GExNERAL NOTES TO VOL. I. 
 
 Punch axd Tobacco. — The custom of smoking tobacco 
 was not confined to the convivial meetings at the taverns 
 in those days, nor was it, as in later times, associated with 
 tlie habits of a sot; in the best companies they smoked 
 the fragrant weed. King James the first considered the 
 growing influence of tobacco amongst his subjects an evil 
 of such fearful magnitude, that he wrote a pamphlet 
 against its use and abuse — and an abusive document it is. 
 This book-making sovereign says, in his " Counter-blast 
 to TobaccOy' — " With the report pf a great discovery for a 
 conquest, some two or three savage men were brought in to- 
 gether, with this savage custom. But the pity is, the poor 
 wild barbarous men died ; but that vile barbarous custom 
 is yet aliva" 
 
 " Such is the miraculous omnipotency of our strong tasted 
 tobacco, as it cures all sorts of diseases, (which never any 
 drug could do before), in all persons and all times. It 
 cures all manner of distillations either in the head or 
 stomach, (if you believe tlTfeir axioms), although in rery
 
 348 NOTES. 
 
 deed, it doth corrupt the brain, and by causing over quick 
 digestion, fills the stomach full of crudities. It cures the 
 gout in the feet, and which is miraculous, in that very 
 instant when the smoke thereof, as light flies up into the 
 head, the virtue thereof, as heavy, runs down to the little 
 toe. It helps all sorts of agues. It makes a man sober that 
 was drunk. It refreshes a weary man ; and yet makes a 
 man hungry. Being taken when they go to sleep, it makes 
 a man sleep soundly ; and yet being taken when a man is 
 sleepy and drowsy, it will, as they say, awaken his brain 
 and quicken his understanding. Here in England, it is 
 refined, and will not deign to cure here, any other than 
 cleanly and gentlemanly diseases." 
 
 King James, we hereby perceive, was a wit, and dipped 
 his satirical pen pretty deeply into the ink of ridicule. His 
 maj esty adds. " O, omnipotent power of tobacco I And if it 
 could by the smoke thereof chase out devils, as the smoke of 
 Tobias' fish did, (which I am sure could smell no stronglier)," 
 adds the royal wag, "it would serve for a precious relick, 
 both for the superstitious priests, and the insolent puritans." 
 The king further says to his subjects, " The greatest sin 
 of all that you, the people of all sorts of this kingdom, who 
 are created and adorned by God to bestow both your per- 
 sons and goods for the maintenance both of the honour and 
 safety of your king and common- wealth, should disable 
 yourselves in both. In your persons, having by this con- 
 tinual vile custom, brought yourselves to this shameful 
 imbecility, that you are not able to ride or walk the journey 
 of a Jew's sabbath ; but you must have a reeky coal brought
 
 NOTES. 349 
 
 you from the next poor house to kindle your tobacco 
 with." 
 
 On the authority of this royal author, we find that to- 
 bacco was smoked even at the dinner table. " And for 
 the vanities committed in this filthy custom, is it not both 
 great vanity, and uncleanness, that at the table, a place 
 of respect, of cleanliness, and modesty, men should sit toss- 
 ing of tobacco pipes, and puffing of the smoke and stink 
 thereof to exhale athwart the dishes, and infect the air, 
 when very often men that abhor it are at their repast? 
 Surely smoke becomes a kitchen far better than a dining 
 chamber • and yet it makes a kitchen also, oftentimes in 
 the inward parts of men, soiling and infecting them with 
 an unctuous and oily kind of soot, as hath been foimd in 
 some great tobacco takers that after death were opened. 
 
 " And is it not a great vanity, that a man cannot heartily 
 welcome his friend now, but straight they must be infumed 
 with tobacco ? No, it is become, in place of a cure, a 
 point of good fellowship ; and he that will refuse to take a 
 pipe of tobacco with his fellows, (though by his own elec- 
 tion, he would rather feel the savour of a sink), is accoimt- 
 ed peevish and no good company. 
 
 " Yea, the mistress cannot in a more raaonerly kind 
 entertain her humble servant, than by giving him of her 
 fair hand, a pipe of tobacco." 
 
 The present age may wonder at the extravagance of our 
 forefathers, when we have it on the authority of this up- 
 right prince, that such enormous sums were paid for this 
 then fashionable indulgence. "Now," proceeds his ma- 
 
 yr)L. I. R
 
 35 D NOTES. 
 
 jesty, " how you are by this custom disabled in your goods, 
 let the gentry of this land bear witness ; some of them be- 
 stowing three, some four hundred pounds a year upon this 
 precious stink !" 
 
 The learned monarch winds this Counter-Blast by the 
 following peroration, " Have ye not then reason to be 
 ashamed and to forbear of this filthy novelty, so basely 
 grounded, so foolishly received, and so grossly mistaken in 
 the use thereof, &c. By the custom thereof, making your- 
 selves to be wondered at by all foreign civil nations, and 
 by all strangers that come among you, to be scorned and 
 contemned J a custom loathsome to the eye, hateful to the 
 nose, dangerous to the lungs, and in the black stinking 
 fume thereof, nearest resembling the horrible stygian smoke 
 of the pit that is bottomless ! 
 
 This Counter-Blast is printed in the works of King 
 James I., by Barker and Bill^ London, 1616. 
 
 How widely different, as Mr. Brand says, are the strains 
 of the subsequent parody, on the style of Ambrose Phillips. 
 
 On a Pipe of Tobacco. 
 
 " Little tube of migbty power, 
 Charmer of an idle hour ; 
 Object of my warm desire, 
 Lip of wax, and eye of fire : 
 And thy snowy taper waist. 
 With my finger gently brac'd ; 
 And thy pretty swelling crest. 
 With my little stopper prest." <fec.
 
 NOTES. 
 
 351 
 
 To which may be added the following quaint thought, 
 found in an old collection of epigrams : — 
 
 A Tobacconist. 
 
 " All daintv' meats I do despise, 
 
 Which feed men fat as swine ; 
 ^ He is a frugal man indeed 
 
 That on a leaf can dine. 
 He needs no napkin for his liands, 
 
 His fingers ends to wipe ; 
 That keeps his kitclien in a box, 
 
 And roast meat in a pipe." 
 
 Whether in compliment to the king, or in honest abhor- 
 rence of this extravagant custom, it were perhaps vain to 
 ^enquire; but that other pens, besides that of good king 
 Jamie's, were nibbed in spite against this newly imported 
 weed, we have sufficient evidence. The inimitable Bur- 
 ton, in his Anatomy of Melancholy, thus ironically 
 smokes the smokers. " Tobacco, divine, rare, super-ex- 
 cellent tobacco, which goes far beyond all their panaceas, 
 potable gold, and philosophers' stones— a sdvereign remedy 
 to all diseases. A good vomit, I confesse, a vertuous 
 heibe, if it be well qualified, opportunely taken, and me- 
 dicinally used ; but as it is commonly used by most men, 
 which take it as tinkers do ale — 'tis a plague, a mischiefe, 
 a violent purger of goods, lands, health — hellish, devilish, 
 and damn'd tobacco ; the mine and overthrow of body 
 and soul." This opinion was published at Oxford, 1621. 
 
 TOL. I. R 2
 
 352 NOTES. 
 
 In the archives of the society of aatiquaries, amongst 
 other curious documents, is an alehouse licence, granted 
 by six justices of the peace, in Kent, in which the inn- 
 keeper is thus enjoined — " Item, You shall not utter, nor 
 suffer to be uttered, drunke, or taken, any tobacco within 
 your house, cellar, or other place thereunto belonging." 
 This is dated in the time of James I. 
 
 Cuckold. — ^This opprobious term, in our improved 
 age, is become almost obsolete, in common with many 
 other offensive terms, which were used as every day exple- 
 tives, in days of yore. The celebrated song, ** Round' 
 headed Cuckolds come dig,' suug by the cavaliers, in de- 
 rision of the citizens of London, and their wives, of all 
 classes, working in the ditches, to throw up a defence round 
 London, did more mischief to the royal cause, than w6uld 
 another poll tax. The insult was felt, and never forgotten, 
 —hence Phil Skippon's success, in recruiting for the train 
 bands. 
 
 In Heywood's " Nine Books of various History, 1624," 
 the author says, " I wonder how the name of cuckold 
 came to be so frequent among us. 1 speak not of the wo- 
 man that, when her husband came home to her in haste, 
 and brought news there was a new edict come out, that all 
 so cognomened, should be cast into the river," presently 
 asked him, " wh^ he did not learn to swim T' 
 
 Master Heywood proceeds, with a long story of a dispute 
 in the infernal regions, between Lucifer and his courtiers, 
 as to the express nature of the opprobrium. Satan is made 
 to come upon earth in the shape of a gallant, and to mix in all
 
 NOTES. 353 
 
 societie?. He asks a countryman, if he b2 one of these so 
 called, and the honest man tells him he knows not what 
 he means. We are then told by the facetious author, that, 
 ' The citizen denies himself to be the man. The soldier 
 with oaths, outfaceth the name. The courtier, indeed, 
 confesseth^himself to be the maker of the title for others — 
 but disclaims its fitness, touching his own honour." 
 
 It is plain then, that two centuries ago, the opprobrious 
 epithet was considered to be, even then, an ancient terra of 
 reproach. 
 
 Sectapians,— The satirical Butler, in witty allusion to 
 the many sects, tells us in his Hudibras, that 
 
 "The numerous rabble were drawn out 
 Of several counties round about. 
 From villages remote, and shires, 
 Of east and western hemispheres : 
 From foreign parishes, and regions 
 Of diflferent manners, speech, religions, &c.'' 
 
 " Never were there so many diffcent sects and religions 
 in any nation," says Dr. Gray, "as were then in England.'' 
 Mr. Case told the parliament, in his thanksgiving sermon, 
 for the taking of Chester, " That there was such a numer- 
 ous increase of errors and heresies, that he blushed to 
 repeat what some had aflfirmed, namely, ' That there were 
 no less than an hundred and fourscore several heresies pro- 
 pagated and spread in the ntighbouriug city, (London) 
 and many of such a natur. ,' says this distinguished Pres-
 
 ^54 NOTES. 
 
 byterran minister : * as I may truly say, in Calvin's lan- 
 guage, * The errors and innovations under which they 
 groaned of late years, were but tolerable triJieSy children's 
 plaify compared with these damnable doctrines of devils.' " 
 
 Mr. Ford, in the year 1653, in his assize sermon, 
 preached at Reading, also said, " That in the little town of 
 Readings he was verily persuaded, if Augustin's and 
 Epiphayilus^s catalogues of heresies were lost, and all their 
 modern and ancient records of that kind, yet it would be 
 no hard matter to restore them, with considerable enlarge- 
 ments from that place : that they have Anabaptisniy Fami- 
 lisniy Socinianisnif Pcligianism, Hanting, and what not ; 
 and that the devil was served in heterodox assemblies as 
 frequently as God in theirs; and that one of the most 
 eminent church livings in that county," (the regular clergy 
 had been ejected) " was possessed by a blasphemer^ one in 
 whose house, he believed some there could testify, that the 
 devil was visibly familiar as any one of the family!" 
 
 Making War against the King for Himself.— The 
 Fresbyteriam^ in all their wars against the king, main- 
 tained still that they fought for him ; for they pretended 
 to distinguish his political person from his natural one. 
 " His political person," they said, *i must be, and was 
 with the partiament, though his natural person was at war 
 with them." 
 
 END OF THE FIRST VOLUME. 
 LONDON ; 
 
 9HACKBLL AND ARROWSMITH, JOHNSON'S COORT, FLEET srEEEI.