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 NOV 30 199)
 
 THE FORTUNES 
 
 SCATTERGOOD FAMILY. 
 
 BY ALBERT SMITH. 
 
 AUTHOR OF "THE ADVENTURES OF MR. LEDBURY, 
 "THE WASSAIL BOWL," ETC. 
 
 IN THREE VOLUMES. 
 VOL. I. 
 
 LONDON : 
 RICHARD BENTLEY, NEW BURLINGTON STREET 
 
 1845.
 
 London : 
 
 Priuted by S. & X. Bentley, Wilson, and Flev, 
 
 Bangor House, Shoe Laue.
 
 TO 
 HIS FRIEND AND SCHOOLFELLOW, 
 
 CHARLES LAMB KENNEY, 
 
 THESE VOLUMES 
 
 ARE INSCRIBED 
 
 BY 
 
 THE AUTHOR.
 
 THE EORTUNES 
 
 SCATTERGOOD FAMILY. 
 
 CHAPTER I. 
 
 THE WAGGON. 
 
 About four miles to the south of a line 
 drawn from Canvey Island to Romford, run- 
 ning almost parallel to the flat marshy lands 
 which border the river portion of the Essex 
 coast, there is a low, dismal piece of country, 
 intersected by dykes and narrow tracks, but 
 little known even to those living within a short 
 distance of its confines : for, assuredly, beyond 
 some coasting traffic, there is not much to 
 tempt any one to explore it, either from 
 curiosity, or a love of rural scenery. Nor 
 would its solitude offer any charms to the 
 anchoret. A hermit, however greatly he might 
 
 VOL. I. B
 
 2 THE FORTUNES OF 
 
 admire his condition, would find it but a sorry 
 region wherein to pitch his dweUing, unless 
 he built his cell upon piles, and kept a small 
 boat by the side of his couch, to be used 
 Upon emergencies. For the Thames, which 
 is a great leveller in its way, and, like most 
 levellers, generally not very particular in its 
 notions of appropriation or acknowledgment — 
 but, addicted to repudiation as it were, when 
 it finds itself in a state of low water, after 
 running upon its own banks — is apt to take 
 possession of the different wretched cabins in 
 the district upon a very short notice ; pro- 
 ducing various geographical transformations on 
 the surface of the country. And these phe- 
 nomena, although very interesting to the learn- 
 ed men who study the moon, and her influence, 
 on the heights of Greenwich, are not considered 
 as remarkably diverting by the inhabitants of 
 these uninviting regions. 
 
 The greater part of the swampy moors which 
 lie on each side of the road for some miles, 
 is covered with bunches of rushes and rank 
 grass ; whilst the ground is everywhere moist
 
 ♦ THE SCATTERGOOD FAMILY. 3 
 
 and plashy, where it does not actually sink 
 into small hollows filled with slimy and stag- 
 nant water. Long, melancholy rows of pollard 
 willows mark the courses of the various dykes 
 and bourns running and intercrossing each other 
 in all directions ; and here and there the road- 
 way is obstructed by a gate or swing-bar, the 
 use of which, beyond occasional obstruction, is 
 unknown, since there is no one to receive toll ; 
 nor do the few half-starved animals who graze 
 about the waste appear desirous of straying to 
 any of its distant pastures. The only living 
 things that appear to thrive and fatten in this 
 fenny region are the frogs ; and, when day 
 goes down, they croak out their self-satisfaction 
 at keeping their heads above water, in such 
 numbers, and with such earnest vehemence, 
 that their concert travels far and wide upon 
 the wind, and the " marsh-bells,'" as their song 
 is termed by the natives of the adjoining places, 
 may be heard upon still evenings at an in- 
 credible distance. 
 
 It was a sharp winter's night, in the be- 
 ginning of January. Every pool and water- 
 
 B 2
 
 I THE FORTUNES OF 
 
 course of the morass was frozen over ; the 
 rushes at their edges were powdered with frost 
 as well ; and the cart-tracks of the road were 
 covered with a thin coat of ice, which shat- 
 tered down by the least touch with a glass- 
 Hke and hollow sound into the dry ruts be- 
 neath, to the great delight of the boys who 
 loitered along the road collecting stray cattle, 
 and thus procured all the excitement of break- 
 ing windows, without the unpleasantry of at- 
 tending punishment. It was cold, bitter cold. 
 The wind came frozen as it swept in biting 
 gusts over the fettered marsh, or whistled 
 amongst the slender branches of the pollards ; 
 and the very stars appeared shivering as they 
 twinkled with wintry brightness in the clear 
 blue sky. But, in the intervals of the wind's 
 wrath all was dead and still ; as if Nature, 
 being locked up in the icy trammels of the 
 frost until the sun chose to bail her out, was 
 aware that at present she could not well help 
 herself, and so maintained a dignified and im- 
 pressive silence 
 
 About eight o'clock on the cold evenincf in
 
 THE SCATTERGOOD FAMILY. 5 
 
 question, a tilted waggon, with two horses, was 
 traversing one of the roads above spoken of, 
 in the direction of London. It was not going 
 very fast, for the driver, almost benumbed, had 
 got down from his seat, and was walking by 
 the side of the horses, as he went through the 
 series of violent gymnastics with the arms and 
 legs, popularly supposed to generate caloric ; 
 with an accompanying forcible expiration, some- 
 what resembling the subdued noise of a loco- 
 motive engine, to which his steaming breath 
 formed a not inapt adjunct, as it was visible 
 with that of the horses in the gleam of the 
 lantern which hung in front of his vehicle. 
 
 There were two passengers under the tilt of 
 the waggon. One of them, to judge from his 
 rustic dress of corduroy and velveteen, was 
 apparently a countryman ; and he wore a small 
 round hat, which, with his costume generally, 
 gave him the air of being something between 
 an ostler and a railway navigator. And there 
 was a look of mingled cunning and simplicity 
 in his face, that rendered it somewhat difficult 
 to determine from the ascendancy of which
 
 6 THE FORTUNES OF 
 
 attribute he might be classed as the greater 
 knave or fool. The other was a tall, well- 
 foi-med young man, of four-and-twenty, or 
 thereabouts, partly in the attire of a sailor. 
 His features were regular and handsome, in 
 spite of the general air of dissipation which 
 pervaded them, and the wandering and un- 
 settled expression of his eyes. A profusion of 
 dark curling hair shaded his expansive fore- 
 head, which every now and then contracted 
 into a frown as he assumed the look of deep 
 thought ; but this soon passed away, and his 
 countenance became as careless as before. 
 
 The travellers had cleared some of the vege- 
 tables and packages away that were immedi- 
 ately round them, and having drawn the can- 
 vas of the tilt closely together on every side, 
 except where the lantern hung in front, that 
 it might give part of its light to the interior, 
 vv^ere stretched upon some straw, smoking in 
 company. A foreign-looking bottle was placed 
 between them, to which they occasionally ap- 
 plied their lips, and then again relapsed into 
 the contemplation of the thin volume of smoke
 
 THE SCATTERGOOD FAMILY. 7 
 
 which curled upwards from their pipes, and 
 filled the waggon with its fumes. 
 
 " Ugh ! " exclaimed the countryman after 
 a long pause, coughing as he spoke, " I shall 
 be stifled if we don't get a go of fresh air. 
 I expect you won't mind it neither, young 
 man.?" 
 
 " Deuce a bit ! " replied the other : '' it 's 
 all the same to me what I breathe, short of 
 brimstone. Have it open, if you like." 
 
 " How's us going on, Tom.?" continued the 
 first speaker, as he pushed the tarpaulin on one 
 side, and addressed the waggoner. 
 
 " Oh ! right enough," was the reply ; " you 
 haven't got a drop of the brandy to spare, 
 I reckon, have you ? " 
 
 " What 's the use of asking if you think 
 so .? catch hold ! " answered the passenger, 
 handing him the bottle down. 
 
 The driver took a draught at the flasli, 
 which did not appear likely to come to a termi- 
 nation, if a violent fit of coughing had not inter- 
 rupted him. 
 
 "Ah! that'll do," he said, as soon as he
 
 8 THE FORTUNES OF 
 
 could speak ; " we shall get on now. Hark ! 
 there 's a clock going eight ; that must be 
 Romford." 
 
 "That's not Romford, I'm sure!'' ex- 
 claimed the young man, as the sound of some 
 distant bell came over the moor. 
 
 " Do you know this part of the world, 
 then, master ?" asked the countryman. 
 
 "No — yes— a little. That is, I did once," 
 returned his companion, with a half-melancholy 
 voice. 
 
 The waggoner approached his vehicle, and 
 beckoning to the countryman, they communed 
 together in a low voice for about a minute. 
 When this was finished, the latter drew down 
 the tarpaulin, and they once more enclosed 
 themselves in the interior. 
 
 " I hope, as we overtook you, and gave you 
 a cast, you '11 keep all dark if you see anything 
 on the journey, pardner," said the rustic. 
 
 " Oh ! I 'm safe enough," replied the other, 
 laughing. " I don't know where I should have 
 wandered to if you had not come by, so I owe 
 you something."
 
 THE SCATTERGOOD FAMILY. 9^ 
 
 " Did jou come from Rochford ?" 
 
 •' No ; I got a boat to drop me on the coast. 
 I don't want to be seen in the large places. 
 Perhaps I should have to stay there longer 
 than I liked. I believe the Goodwin Sands 
 was the last port I touched at, the night before 
 last. There are no debts to be paid there, 
 though, except Nature's." 
 
 " Good ! " said the other, with an approving 
 nod, as he poked his finger into the bowl of 
 his pipe. And then, after a short pause, he 
 added, " May I make bold to ask your name ? 
 — mine*'s Bolt, though some calls me Cricket, 
 because they hear of my being about, but can 
 never lay hold of me." 
 
 This voluntary confidence appeared worthy 
 of a return, and the young man replied, 
 
 " Well, you may call me Vincent, if you 
 like. That name will do as well as any other." 
 
 "• Then I think, Mr. Vinson, you Vl best shut 
 your eyes for a minute or two, if you don't 
 want 'em shocked." 
 
 The waggon stopped whilst he was speaking, 
 
 and Bolt got out, taking the lantern down with 
 
 b5
 
 10 THE FORTUNES OF 
 
 him. They were close to a watercourse that 
 ran underneath the road by a brick arch. The 
 driver, guided by some apparently unimport- 
 ant sign, drew an iron bar from under the 
 waggon, similar to those used for fixing hurdles 
 in the ground, and proceeded to break the ice 
 with it. This done, he drew out three or four 
 small casks, of about two gallons each, which 
 he handed to his associate, who immediately 
 put them into the cart, and then climbing in 
 after them, stowed them away at the far end, 
 covering them with a quantity of turnips, which 
 formed part of the load. And then he resumed 
 his place in the interior, and the waggon once 
 more went on, as if nothing had occurred — 
 the whole transaction scarcely occupying two 
 minutes. 
 
 " That 's how we get spirits from garden- 
 stuff," observed Mr. Bolt, upon taking his pipe 
 again ; " and that 's our private cellar. A tub 
 bust once, and the frogs got drunk with brandy- 
 and- water. He ! he ! I never see such a go ! '" 
 
 This occurrence, whether it ever happened, 
 or was merely called up to divert his fellow-
 
 THE SCATTERGOOD FAMILY. 11 
 
 traveller, excited Mr. Bolt's risibility to a great 
 degree, only checked by what he termed a 
 thimbleful of brandy, which, from its quantity, 
 was rightly named, as it would certainly have 
 assisted to sew up anybody else, whose head 
 was less spirit-proof, if repeated often. And 
 then, discovering that his pipe was exhausted, 
 after several ineffectual attempts to arrange 
 himself in an easy position, he gave two or 
 three preparatory yawns, and was soon asleep ; 
 whilst his fellow-traveller was not lono- in fol- 
 lowing his example, albeit the springs of the 
 waggon had not been contrived with the great- 
 est view to luxurious travelling. The driver, 
 too, whose exercise had sufficiently warmed 
 him, assumed a sort of rope- dancer's position 
 upon one of the shafts ; and, beguiling the 
 journey with a song without an end, which he 
 set to an extempore melody, pursued his jour- 
 ney towards the metropohs.
 
 12 THE FORTUNES OF 
 
 CHAPTER 11. 
 
 THE MARKET BREAKFAST HOUSE. 
 
 It was past midnight before the passengers 
 in the waggon woke up from their sleep ; and 
 then, as they looked out of the front, they 
 found by the lights and buildings on either side 
 of the road, that they were approaching Lon- 
 don. The driver appeared to have fallen in 
 with a friend, who was now walking with him 
 at the side of the horses ; and Bolt, after a 
 few words of salutation, and two or three enig- 
 matical inquiries, turned his conversation to 
 his companion. 
 
 " What are you thinking of doing, or where 
 are you going in town, master.^" he in- 
 uired. 
 
 " I wish I could tell you," returned Vincent,
 
 THE SCATTERGOOD FAMILY. 13 
 
 to give the speaker his own name. " I expect 
 there is little for me to do in London." 
 
 " There 's a good deal for everybody," added 
 Bolt, '' only they don't know how to set about 
 it. I Ve been in business in London fifteen 
 year, and so I ought to know." 
 
 " I thought you were a countryman," ob- 
 served his companion. " You have a York- 
 shire accent." 
 
 " Like enough — Hke enough," replied Bolt. 
 '"' I was born at Sheffield, and goes there now 
 and then for goods, when my stock is out." 
 
 " And what line of business are you in ?" 
 asked Vincent. 
 
 '' Oh, the general ; but more especially in 
 dodges, according to the state of the pewter. 
 When that 's flush, I sell Birmingham spoons 
 and cheap ironmongery in a tilted cart round 
 about London, on Saturday nights, and catch 
 old birds with chaff. If the funds isn't up, 
 I decide celebrated wagers between great sport- 
 ing characters, and get rid of fifty gold wedding- 
 rings before six o'clock, at the corner of the 
 Quadrant ; and when it 's quite low water,
 
 14 THE FORTUNES OF 
 
 I mounts a pair of high-starched gills, and an 
 uncommon clean apron, and comes the very 
 respectable mechanic, as knowM better days."" 
 
 " And you find that last pay ?'"* 
 
 " Oh ! out and out, if it 's under a gas-lamp 
 in front of a public. People is sure to have 
 change either going in or coming out ; and 
 when they gets a little how-is-you-by-this-time, 
 as the saying is, it makes them feel for a fel- 
 low-creature in distress. That's the time for 
 congreves to go oiF." 
 
 The waggon kept on through Mile End, and 
 long straggling Whitechapel, in which there 
 was now little stirring. The lights over the 
 gin-shops were extinguished, and all their 
 shutters closed, except in the immediate neigh- 
 bourhood of the cab-stands. And here none 
 of the drivers were at their posts, but had 
 taken refuge from the cold in the taproom of 
 the nearest night-house ; or had converted their 
 own cabs into private sleeping-rooms. The 
 waterman was the only token of humanity that 
 appeared, as he stumped about amongst his 
 tubs, and the wretched vehicles and animals
 
 THE SCATTERGOOD FAMILY. 15 
 
 under his protection, in a fashionable wrapper, 
 formed from a sack with three holes cut in it, 
 through which he put his head and arms, and 
 a pair of hayband gaiters, with a covering of 
 the same fabric on his head, which looked 
 something between a beehive and a chimney- 
 pot. Even the houseless professors of Htho- 
 graphic mendicancy, who drew from Nature 
 upon stone, and braved the cold in a wonder- 
 ful manner during the day, as they depicted 
 mackerel on the pavement in gay-coloured pig- 
 ments, accompanied by flourishing statements of 
 their being reduced to the last extremity, over 
 which they assumed the position of the dying 
 gladiator, until literally ordered by the authori- 
 ties to walk their chalks by shuffling them out, — 
 even these found the sharp night air too much for 
 their stoicism, and slunk and burrowed into 
 hidden corners of outhouses, and unfinished 
 buildings, where, herding together like animals, 
 they attended the next day of incertitude, as 
 to the means by which the crust should be 
 procured, in shivering and darkness. 
 
 At last, after a slow progress through the
 
 16 THE FORTUNES OF 
 
 city, for the horses were weary with their 
 lengthened journey, the waggon arrived at Co- 
 vent Garden market. Here all was life and 
 movement ; one of the divisions of restless 
 London that never slept. A light snow was 
 falling, which twinkled by the gas-lamps as it 
 descended upon the heavily-laden carts of ve- 
 getables surrounding the quadrangle, awaiting 
 the daybreak to be unladen — a process which 
 at one or two points was already going on. 
 Within the market several of the people had 
 built up rough tents of baskets and tarpaulin, 
 beneath which they sought to catch an hour 
 or two of dozing before their labours com- 
 menced, upon a bed of dry fern, over a mat- 
 tress of vegetables. Here and there charcoal- 
 fires were burning, which threw a red and not 
 unpicturesque light over the various groups, as 
 the wind swept keenly through the avenues, 
 and blew their embers into transient brightness ; 
 and at these spots a cheap breakfast was being 
 doled out to waggoners and porters, who hud- 
 dled round the stall. Occasionally a burst of 
 revelry from some of the last frequenters of
 
 THE SCATTERGOOD FAMILY. 17 
 
 the night-taverns in the neighbourhood, as they 
 made their exit therefrom, echoed along the 
 piazzas ; and now and then angry words passed 
 between these belated convivialists and the 
 owners of the vegetables, respecting the right 
 of possession to various bunches of esculent 
 roots which the former light-hearted individuals 
 wished to appropriate unto themselves, and 
 render applicable to the performance of various 
 diverting pastimes. But these differences of 
 opinion usually commenced with challenges to 
 ordeal by battle, and terminated in the nearest 
 gin-shop ; wherein the provokers of the dis- 
 agreement proved that they v/ere real gentle- 
 men, not at all proud, and of noble and for- 
 giving natures. 
 
 As the waggon stopped, the man who had 
 walked with the driver for the latter part of 
 the journey, brought a small covered truck to 
 its side, and receiving the tubs which they had 
 taken in upon the road, soon disappeared. The 
 vegetables were soon shot out behind, in a 
 very unceremonious manner, upon the ground ; 
 it was evident they formed the least important
 
 18 THE FORTUNES OF 
 
 portion of the load. And then Bolt approach- 
 ed his fellow-traveller, who had descended, and 
 was leaning against one of the pillars, and in- 
 quired where he thought of going. 
 
 " You could have a bed in the waggon," he 
 added ; " but we must be on the move again, 
 as soon as the horses are all right. I don't 
 know exactly where to send you." 
 
 " Oh, don't trouble yourself about me, my 
 good friend," said the other, in a good-tem- 
 pered tone. " I know London well enough. 
 I have a home in it somewhere, only I don't 
 exactly know how I should be received if I 
 were to go there. Besides, this is rather an 
 unholy hour to ring up your governor when 
 he don't expect you." 
 
 '• The 'luminated clock says a quarter to 
 three," observed Bolt. "It don't get warmer, 
 neither," he continued, stamping his feet upon 
 the ground. "Phew! I'm almost sorry I 
 ain't little enough to get inside the gas-lamps ; 
 it do look comfortable there, don't it ? " 
 
 " I wish I could offer vou somethinof for 
 the lift you 've given me," said Vincent ; " but
 
 THE SCATTERGOOD FAMILY. 19 
 
 I 'm about as hard up as anybody can well be ; 
 and, what is worse, I don't know very well 
 at present how I am to look for much more. 
 I can only give you my thanks." 
 
 "Don''t put yourself out now about that,'"* 
 said Bolt ; " all we asks is, keep dark, as 1 
 said, about the journey. And if you get rigu- 
 larly stumped, and ain't particular what you 
 turns your hand to, you '11 hear of me there : 
 only you needn't say so." 
 
 He put a dirty card of some public-house 
 at Rotherhithe into his companion's hand as he 
 spoke ; and then wishing him good-night, he 
 took one of the horses, which the waggoner 
 had unharnessed during this brief conversation, 
 whilst his fellow took the other, and they disap- 
 peared round one of the corners of the market. 
 
 Vincent Scattergood — for such was the name 
 of the individual whom we have presented to 
 the reader,— remained for some little time after 
 his late companions had departed in a state of 
 blank incertitude as to his destination for the 
 night. There were hotels, it is true, in every 
 direction ; and bright lights in the entrances,
 
 20 THE FORTUNES OF 
 
 albeit the shutters were closed, proved that all. 
 the inmates had not yet retired. But his 
 purse was at present exceedingly slender ; and 
 they were beyond his means. Nor did there 
 appear to be an available nook in the market 
 unoccupied, except the more exposed portions, 
 on which a tolerably thick layer of snow had 
 now settled, turning the heaps of vegetables, 
 as seen through the different porticos, into cos- 
 moramic representations of Mont Blanc. Had 
 there been, Vincent would have availed him- 
 self of it ; for he was not over-particular. 
 
 After a quarter of an hour's rumination, 
 chewing the cud of the plans he had been pre- 
 viously forming, he took his bundle, and having 
 strolled vaguely up and down the piazza two 
 or three times, turned into a house of public 
 entertainment, the doors of which were inviting- 
 ly on the swing, and its business apparently in 
 full play. It was an early breakfast-house, 
 frequented by the market-people ; or rather a 
 very late one, for its chief trade commenced at 
 midnight, and continued until commerce and 
 animation were once more in full vigour.
 
 THE SCATTERGOOD FAMILY. 21 
 
 There was a long apartment divided into 
 boxes, each containing a narrow table, which 
 nobody could sit close to, but required the 
 telescopic arms of a polypus to reach what was 
 on it, after the most approved style of tables in 
 tea-gardens and coffee-houses generally. And 
 on these tables, which were void of cloth, were 
 dogs'-eared periodicals, transparent from the 
 frequent contact of adipose toast, or ornamented 
 with arabesque rings of evaporated coffee, pro- 
 duced by careless guests, who turned the weekly 
 unstamped journal of Modern Athens, and the 
 small-priced repertory of the information- spread- 
 ing committee into temporary d'Oyleys. Nei- 
 ther were traces of the embryo chick, in its 
 earliest stage of gestation, absent. In some of 
 these boxes customers were discussing market 
 topics ; in others, cups of dark and unknown 
 beverages, presumed by clever analytical chemists 
 to be infusions of parched peas, sweetened with 
 treacle. And in others, again, a few individ- 
 uals were indulging in a heavy slumber, pillow- 
 ing their heads upon the pewter salt-cellars, 
 or black tin waiters, as thev awaited the OF)en-
 
 22 THE FORTUNES OF 
 
 ing of the market, or the advent of another . 
 day of homeless want and misery. 
 
 A love of exclusiveness pervades all grades 
 of life, however widely separated their degrees 
 ii] the scale of society. The aristocrat adopts 
 it to show his sense of the true security of his 
 position, which enables him to act as he pleases; 
 the would-be patrician, in the dread of losing the 
 finely-poised station that he has attained, which 
 may be turned by the slightest breath. And 
 the radical, who prates aloud in forced images, 
 — the verbal fulcrum, as he believes, upon 
 which the world shall be moved by the lever 
 of public opinion, — and rates the pride of those 
 alone above him, whose sphere he cannot reach, 
 shrinks equally from the touch of his inferiors, 
 and believes that in himself alone is centred the 
 general level of society, to which the higher 
 classes must succumb, whilst those below liim 
 ought to elevate themselves to his standard. 
 
 And this spirit was ministered to in the 
 market coffee-house. For at the end of the 
 long room there was another of smaller dimen- 
 sions, with a fire and tables, for those who were
 
 THE SCATTERGOOD FAMILY. 23 
 
 willing, by the most trifling extra outlay, to 
 command the additional attention which their 
 increased respectability called for. Into this 
 division of the establishment Vincent entered ; 
 more, however, from the boxes in the lower 
 room being occupied, than any exclusive feeling 
 of his own ; and, taking his seat by the fire, 
 ordered some coffee. 
 
 There were only three other persons in the 
 apartment. At the extreme end a woman was 
 relating an uninteresting and interminable story 
 a hoarse bronchial voice, to her male compa- 
 nion, and before the fire was a man enveloped in 
 a faded cloak, which was wrapped closely about 
 him, his head alone appearing above the French, 
 or dirty, grey collar, which looked like the skin of 
 an unclean white rabbit that had had all its 
 hair curled. He took little notice of Vincent 
 as he entered, but continued apparently looking 
 very hard at nothing upon the mantelpiece. 
 His hair and whiskers, which might have been 
 imitation chinchilli for aught anybody could 
 have told to the contrary, betrayed no know- 
 ledge of comb or brush ; and his boots, which
 
 24< THE FORTUNES OF 
 
 were the only other tokens of his toilet that 
 appeared, were of the curtailed fashion, as ap- 
 peared from the ridge which they threw up at 
 the hee and instep, under his tightly-strapped 
 trowsers. 
 
 But, although to vulgar eyes he gazed at 
 vacuity, yet was the brain of this really 
 great man all the time in full activity. 
 For his imagination had filled the mantel- 
 piece with living mobs and characters. Ban- 
 dits clutched in desperate struggles to its 
 marble-edge ; British seamen bore defenceless 
 females along the patterns of the paper ; and 
 unexpected heroes appeared from crinks and 
 crannies in the wall, to the great confusion of 
 the rest. Every volute of smoke, as it vanish- 
 ed up the chimney, was, to him, peopled with 
 sylphs and demons ; ships were foundering on 
 the coals : persecuted servant-maids escaping 
 over the hobs, and scenes of varied and surpass- 
 ing effect forming in the embers. And in the 
 glowing light abstruse French words, unintelligi- 
 ble as the writing on the wall, perpetually ap- 
 peared to perplex his gaze, and lead the mind
 
 THE SCATTERGOOD FAMILY. ^/> 
 
 into fresh labyrinths of confusion. His brain 
 was now throbbing to invent some new situa- 
 tion, which the minor theatres would produce 
 for its intensity, and placard on the hoards and 
 walls of great thoroughfares, in startling car- 
 toons, on the succeeding Sunday. For he was 
 a dramatic author. 
 
 Vincent Scattergood finished his very modest 
 repast, and drawing his chair round from the 
 table, placed it before the fire, as he clapped 
 his hands together in its warmth. The sound 
 startled the dramatist from his visions ; but it 
 was a noise pleasing to his ears, and his heart 
 opened to the gratuitous applause with which 
 his last mental effect had been greeted. 
 
 "It's a very cold night, sir," he observed, 
 as he got up a little corresponding applause, 
 similar to that subdued expression of approba- 
 tion which he was accustomed to institute in 
 obscure parts of the theatre — suburbs of the 
 pit and recesses of dark boxes — on the first nights 
 of his productions. "It's a very cold night, sir.'' 
 
 It was a grand truth, which there was no 
 denying, and Vincent acquiesced in its justice. 
 
 VOL. I. C
 
 26 THE FORTUNES OF 
 
 " From the sea, sir, I presume ?*" continued 
 the author, as he looked at Vincenfs semi- 
 nautical costume. 
 
 " I have been knocked about aboard ship for 
 a few months," replied Vincent. " I landed yes- 
 terday — or rather the day before, for the time is 
 getting on." 
 
 " Ah ! indeed," returned the other ; " you 
 have seen the Flying Dutchman without 
 doubt." 
 
 " Indeed I have not," said young Scattergood. 
 " But I believe I am the only person who has 
 been to sea that never did." 
 
 " Immense effect ; that vessel, that looked as 
 if it was going to run down the house. You 
 could not — excuse me, though, if I give you 
 my card. Possibly my name is not unknown 
 to you." 
 
 And, so saying, he drew a solitary card from 
 his pocket, and gave it to Vincent, who read 
 the address, "Mr. Glenalvon Fogg, Dramatic 
 Author, Cheshire Cheese, Vinegar Yard." 
 
 " I do not reside at the Cheshire Cheese 
 m}^elf," observed Mr. Fogg ; " a house of call
 
 THE SCATTERGOOD FAMILY. 27 
 
 for playwrights, sir. The drama is on the 
 decline, and author and under-carpenter now 
 move in the same groove — so to speak — of the 
 theatre. My object in taking the liberty qf 
 addressing you was, as a nautical man, to ask 
 your advice. You have doubtless seen the 
 shark of the Atlantic ?" 
 
 " I have only cruised about the German 
 Ocean," said Vincent; "they once tried to 
 point out the kraken to me, oiF Norway."" 
 
 " Pardon me," said Mr. Fogg. " I wished 
 to ask if you knew of any good situation that 
 you thought might suit." 
 
 "• I wish I did, for my own sake," replied 
 Vincent. " I should only be too glad to take 
 it. I do not know yet where I am to hide 
 my head to-night ; it is a case of hard-up." 
 
 Mr. Fogg perceived that his meaning was 
 not precisely understood. He gazed at the 
 fire again for some minutes, with his brains 
 enveloped in a wrapper of mighty thought, and 
 then observed, 
 
 " I believe we can mutually accommodate 
 
 each other, sir ; I am at present engaged on a 
 
 o2
 
 28 THE FORTUNES OF 
 
 nautical piece, of intense interest ; but never 
 having been to sea, I have some little doubt 
 about the propriety of my language. Taking 
 a reef out of your keel, or hoisting your anchor 
 hard a-port, are difficult things to manage, 
 although we can shiver timbers and belay, or 
 avast-heaving, with safety." 
 
 "I suppose you want me to direct you, 
 then .?" said Vincent, smiling at his new friend's 
 remarks. 
 
 " Precisely so ; and, in return, I can offer 
 you for a night or two such accommodation as 
 my lowly roof affords ; board I must leave to 
 yourself." 
 
 " Well, it 's a bargain," said Vincent. " To 
 be frank with j^ou, I have come back sooner 
 than I ought, and do not care much to show 
 my face at home — at least, at present. I will 
 see of what use I can be — at all events, for a 
 couple of days." 
 
 The small reckoning on either part was paid; 
 and Mr. Fogg, who had been awaiting the 
 visit of some rustic lessee, with money for the 
 performance of his pieces, according to appoint-
 
 THE SCATTERGOOD FAMILY. 29 
 
 ment, but who never came, left the coffee -shop 
 with his new companion. 
 
 " The true cosmopolite is less suspicious of an 
 acquaintance formed in this manner," thought 
 Mr. Fogg, " than the man of limited mind. 
 Besides, I have nothing to lose but my ideas."" 
 
 And, piloting the other through one or two 
 narrow and ill-conditioned streets, the dramatic 
 author at last stopped before the open portal 
 of the crazy tenement, at the very summit of 
 which the apartment which he termed his lowly 
 one was situated.
 
 30 THE FORTUNES OF 
 
 CHAPTER III. 
 
 THE DOMESTIC ECONOMY OF THE CHICKSANDS. 
 
 Morning broke in freezing brightness upon 
 the expanse of Kennington Road. Omnibuses 
 densely packed with the city-bound colonists of 
 Brixton and Clapham, swayed their unwieldy 
 bulks along the snowy thoroughfare, leaving 
 imitation railroads on the ground behind them ; 
 and their conductors returned provoking shakes 
 of the head to the hail of belated pedestrians, 
 who saw not that they were full, by reason 
 of the tangible breath that crystallized on their 
 windows. Boys forsook the footpaths, and 
 selected perilous gutters at the side to progress 
 on ; or stored up compressed ammunition in 
 ambush for the Tooting carrier. Congealed 
 cabmen threw sackcloth over their shoulders, 
 and careful housekeepers strewed ashes before
 
 THE SCATTERGOOD FAMILY. 31 
 
 their doors : whilst apprentice butchers, with 
 glowing faces, and hands as red as the juicy 
 meats they carried, performed quiet dances 
 upon the door-steps, until their signal was 
 answered ; and then stayed not for converse 
 with the ruddy handmaidens who replied to 
 their summons, but hurriedly bolted off, whist- 
 ling half-frozen melodies, and making feudal 
 and uninvited incursions upon the adjacent 
 sliding-grounds of junior lads. The sun him- 
 self looked cold as he threw his canopy of 
 wintry light over the dome of Bedlam : many- 
 armed direction-lamps caught up his rays, to- 
 gether with the newly-rubbed brasswork of 
 surrounding cabs ; but the beams were flung 
 back with a chaste, subdued light from the zinc 
 plate that marked the residence of " Chick- 
 sand, Coal and Wine Merchant." 
 
 Had Mr. Chicksand lived in a country town, 
 his neighbours would possibly have expended 
 much of their time, and powers of conjecture, 
 in endeavours to discover whereabouts the ex- 
 tensive commodities that formed Mr. Chick- 
 sand's merchandise, were stored. For the
 
 32 THE FORTUNES OF 
 
 house, which was of moderate dimensions, being 
 of two windows in breadth, with a balcony on 
 the first-floor, which looked somewhat as if a 
 large drawing-room fender had fixed itself there 
 when the house had been turned out of win- 
 dow in some remote convulsion, possessed but 
 limited accommodations for pipes and chal- 
 drons. So that most probably the coals and 
 wine were in the barges and docks on the 
 river, and Mr. Chicksand's regular departure 
 from his private residence at half-past eight 
 each morning, was to go and look after them, 
 or assist in the disposal of many tons and 
 dozens. And, besides, had he wished to have 
 kept his coals even in his upper apartments, 
 he could not have done so, for they were 
 usually occupied by separate families of those 
 social victims, called lodgers, upon whom, with- 
 out exactly being cannibals, the Chicksands 
 lived. And when a new tenant arrived, the 
 Chicksands fattened on him, and made festivity; 
 although at other times they, figuratively, pick- 
 ed up the rice, grain by grain, like the ghoul 
 of the Eastern story.
 
 THE SCATTERGOOD FAMILY. 33 
 
 Mr. Chicksand had departed upon his com- 
 mercial enterprises; and his helpmate, having 
 picked out four eligible pieces of coal from the 
 scuttle, and placed them carefully on the fire, 
 in such a position that they should not con- 
 sume their substance in too great luxury, de- 
 scended to the kitchen. And here her first 
 care was to remove some cinders from the 
 range, and screw the iron cheeks nearer to- 
 gether, until they somewhat resembled her 
 own, and brought the fire to a column of em- 
 bers, instead of a body ; all which was the 
 more remarkable, considering her husband was 
 himself a coal-merchant, and, in the eyes of 
 the world, had mountains of Hetton's and 
 countless tons of Lambton's at his own dis- 
 posal. This done, Mrs. Chicksand called to 
 the maid, who was polishing her face and a 
 fender with black lead in an adjoining cavern. 
 
 "Lisbeth!" cried the mistress; " Lisbeth ! 
 what are you at ? " 
 
 '* Cleaning Mr. Bodle's fender, 'm," was the 
 answer. 
 
 Mr. Bodle was a professor of music, the
 
 34 THE FORTUNES OF 
 
 whispered editor of the Weekly Pitchpipe, and 
 lived in the back parlour. 
 
 " Then let Mr. Bodle clean his fender him- 
 self, and come in here. We can't look after 
 any Bodies now. What 's he want his fender 
 cleaned to-day for, 1 should like to know ? " 
 
 " He''s going to lend his room to Mr. Snarry 
 to-night, 'm, for the ladies to put their cloaks 
 in." 
 
 "Umph!"" said Mrs. Chicksand, in a tone 
 of mollified dissatisfaction, " it 's a pity some- 
 body don't lend Mr. Bodle a little money in 
 return, and perhaps he would settle for the last 
 fortnight. I suppose Mr. Snarry has asked 
 him, then, to meet his friends." 
 
 " I think he has," replied Lisbeth ; " least- 
 wise, he revived his coat last night with some 
 anticardamums and a toothbrush. I see liim 
 doing it through the ventilator." 
 
 And the domestic assistant tittered at the 
 reminiscence; whilst Mrs. Chicksand walked 
 about the kitchen upon a tour of inspection, 
 peeping into all the vegetable dishes, and lifting 
 up all the inverted basins on the dresser, which
 
 THE SCATTERGOOD FAMILY. 35 
 
 appeared to have been set as traps for catch- 
 ing brass thimbles, cap- edgings, and tangled 
 skeins of thread. 
 
 "How's the bread this morning, Lisbeth ?" 
 asked the mistress. 
 
 " Not much, mum,'' answered the maid. 
 ".Mr. Snarry had in a twopenny brick last 
 night, and Mr. Bodle borrowed it when he 
 came home late, because the shops was shut." 
 
 " Mr. Bodle 's a vampire," affirmed Mrs. 
 Chicksand forcibly. 
 
 " Lor ! is he now, mum ?" inquired Lisbeth. 
 "I shouldn't wonder. He never paid back 
 half the cottage that Mr. Snarry lent him, a 
 Friday, when his household was all gone." 
 
 " We should all starve, for what we get 
 from him, a screwy, pinchy — There 's the post 
 man," added Mrs. Chicksand, at a tangent. 
 
 And, as Lisbeth went up stairs to answer 
 the door, Mrs. Chicksand finished her review 
 by noticing the contents of the safe, which 
 was something between a large lantern and a 
 birdcage, and hung in the back-kitchen, above 
 high-beetle mark.
 
 36 THE FORTUNES OF 
 
 Mr. Snarry, who resided on the second floor, 
 was a clerk in the Drawing Office at the Bank, 
 and lived in Kennington Road for economy 
 and exercise, — the latter being no small point 
 with him, as in his proportions he inclined 
 to the chubby. Taking advantage of the first- 
 floor being vacant, he had determined to cele- 
 brate his natal day by giving a party to certain 
 other clerks, and Mr. Bodle was invited to 
 join them, for the triple reason that he some- 
 times gave Mr. Snarry concert-tickets, that he 
 sang a good song whenever he was asked, and 
 that the use of Mr. Bodle's back-parlour would 
 be an imposing addition to the rooms already 
 thrown open, whilst nobody would ever ima- 
 gine that the imitation rosewood chiffonier was 
 a turn-up bedstead. To commence the pre- 
 parations for the festivity did Mrs. Chicksand 
 descend to the kitchen, and with a willing 
 heart ; for a turkey had arrived from the 
 country, where the house of Snarry located ; 
 and the gentleman himself — a real gentleman 
 Mr. Snarry was — never locked up his things. 
 In the will, this was a fine trait ; in the deed.
 
 THE SCATTERGOOD FAMILY. 37 
 
 it would have come to just the same whether he 
 did or did not ; for, knowing the annoyance of 
 forcing doors when keys were lost, Mrs. Chick- 
 sand had provided two for every lock in the 
 house, as well as caused holes to be chiseled 
 in all the cupboards and what-nots, to impugn 
 the honesty of the mice, upon emergencies, 
 with some little show of plausibility. 
 
 " Two notes for Mr. Bodle, wrote all over 
 with ' Gone away,' and ' Try No. 2,' and one 
 for you, mum," said Lisbeth, entering. 
 
 " That man must have changed his lodgings 
 very often,"' mused Mrs. Chicksand. " I can't 
 understand it." 
 
 " Mr. Snarry says he 's in love, and follers 
 the young lady about like anything ; and that 
 that 's her next door as sings through the wall," 
 observed Lisbeth. 
 
 '* Never mind what Mr. Snarry says ; wash 
 up the breakfast things," interrupted her mis- 
 tress, breaking open her letter, and continuing, 
 as she first read the signature, of course. 
 
 " Well, if it is n't from the Scattergoods 
 at Bolong, that lived by us when Mr. Chick-
 
 38 THE FORTUNES OF 
 
 sand was unfortunate as a grocer in Essex ! 
 I wonder what they can possibly want with 
 me!" 
 
 The wonder was soon dispelled by simply 
 reading the epistle, in which Mrs. Scattergood 
 wished to know if Mrs. Chicksand could ac- 
 commodate her husband, son, and daughter, 
 on their arrival from Boulogne, until they had 
 time to look about them. 
 
 " Dear me ! " observed the lady, as she 
 twisted the letter various ways. " They 've 
 put where they live at Bolong, but no date, 
 and they say they shall leave ' to-morrow." I 
 wonder when that is." 
 
 " Thursday, mum," said the servant. 
 
 " Ish ! nonsense ! you don't know what I 
 mean," replied Mrs. Chicksand. " What can 
 we do ? They were nice people, the Scatter- 
 goods were, but lived over their means. "Where 
 can we put them ?" 
 
 However, Mrs. Chicksand soon contrived the 
 accommodation. The back-kitchen was to be 
 fitted up as an extempore sleeping apartment 
 for her husband and herself; and Lisbeth was
 
 THE SCATTERGOOD FAMILY. 39 
 
 to repose in some of those mysterious penetralia 
 wherein lodging-house servants usually sleep ; 
 portions of the dwelling whose precise situation 
 has never been correctly ascertained, and in 
 all probabihty never will be ; the popular 
 opinion being divided between the binns of 
 the empty cellars, or the unoccupied shelves 
 of the pantry, 
 
 '' If they come to-day, Mr. Snarry must 
 put off his party,"' observed the servant, as 
 she hung the cups on tenter-hooks. " Won't 
 he be wild, too, that 's all, after giving three- 
 and-sixpence, as ever was, for two pound of 
 spermycitties for the room. My !" 
 
 " Well, we must take the chances, Lisbeth," 
 said Mrs. Chicksand ; "if they must come, 
 they must." 
 
 And then the mistress of the house proceeded 
 to give directions, and make arrangements for 
 the festivities of the evenino".
 
 40 THE FORTUNES OF 
 
 CHAPTER IV. 
 
 MR. SNARRY's maiden ENTERTAINMENT. 
 
 When a bachelor gives a party to his male 
 friends, he has only to provide interminable 
 boxes of cigars, consecutive kettles of hot water, 
 and ordinary bottles of distilled drinks, to amuse 
 his guests in a first-rate manner ; and with a 
 card-table borrowed from the man in chambers 
 underneath, a barrel of oysters, and one spoon 
 between three, the reunion is safe to go off 
 admirably. But when he expects lady visitors, 
 it is an undertaking of much greater import- 
 ance ; their more delicate organization requir- 
 ing equally refined appointments, from a look- 
 ing-glass and pincushion in the back-parlour 
 unrobing room, upon their arrival, to the fe- 
 male attendant, who must not go to bed until 
 all the bonnets have been properly distributed.
 
 THE SCATTERGOOD FAMILY. 41 
 
 upon their departure. And to young ladies 
 there is a wild recklessness in coming to a 
 single man's house, that often leads them to 
 look for some extra-ordinary amusement ; and 
 this excitement reacting upon itself, requires 
 all the energies of the host to prevent the ex- 
 treme of expectation running into the depth 
 of disappointment. 
 
 Mr. Snarry was aware of this. He had 
 rashly begged his Benedict fellow-clerks to 
 bring their wives, and eke their sisters, that 
 the Bank might resound with his praises, as 
 one of its most dashing constituents ; and tell- 
 ing them that they must take everything in 
 the rough, he directly commenced toiling to 
 render the entertainment recherche beyond 
 imagination. For this did he buy for eight- 
 pence two bronzed casts from a child of sunny 
 Genoa, of ladies holding sockets in one hand, 
 and resting wheels without spokes upon their 
 legs with the other ; and in these sockets were 
 implanted wax-ends, albeit they cracked in the 
 operation. For this did he trim the lamp, 
 whose name of " solar" suggested to classic
 
 4f2 THE FORTUNES OF 
 
 minds the " lucus a non lucendo'''' beyond anyr 
 thing else, and only resembled the sun in its 
 eclipse and total disappearance, as night ad- 
 vanced; for this did he dispossess the stair- 
 case bracket of the unknown bust, and place 
 the light thereon. For this did he paralyze, 
 with an unwonted order, the pastrycook at 
 the corner of the street, who had hitherto re- 
 garded patties and blanc-mange as flighty con- 
 ceptions of romantic confectioners ; and on this 
 account alone did he hire a six-octave square 
 piano, at half-a-guinea, that Mr. Bodle might 
 thereat shake his locks, and conjure with the 
 keys, producing the gay quadrille from its 
 freshly-attuned interior. 
 
 The governors of the Bank of England, al- 
 though in ordinary cases men of keen perception 
 and cool judgment, were that day convinced 
 that Mr. Snarry had the influenza : for he left 
 early, under plea of being indisposed, (which 
 in reality he was — to stay any longer,) and 
 devoted the afternoon to rehearsing his pro- 
 perties and effects at home. His friend, Mr. 
 Bam, who perplexed palpabilities whenever he
 
 THE SCATTERGOOD FAMILY. 43 
 
 got them, at Clement's Inn, where the nutri- 
 tive potato sent up its steam of incense to the 
 mighty pillars ; the grand entrance that con- 
 ducted to the modest chambers, like the im- 
 posing outside of a juggling show, attracting 
 crowds to be deceived within ; Mr. Bam — 
 whose bill in youth's young morning he had 
 once put his name to — had lent him his boy 
 to wait ; and relieve Lisbeth of her manifold 
 duties. So that altogether Mr. Snarry calcu- 
 lated upon an effect ; as well as making im- 
 mature clerks believe that he inhabited many 
 rooms, and kept a plurality of attendants. 
 
 Mr. Chicksand returned at five, and at the 
 request of his partner bought a pair of white 
 Berlin gloves ; not to join the company, but 
 to look like a butler, that he might receive 
 one or two shillings when the guests departed, 
 which Mrs. Chicksand affirmed there was no 
 occasion to throw away upon the dab-boy. 
 And at a quarter-past seven the Ciapham om- 
 nibus put down the first guest, Mr. Pratt, who 
 trod on a slide, and tumbled down as he got 
 oif the step, thereby breaking his brace, which
 
 44 THE FORTUNES OF 
 
 Mr. Bodle kindly mended with a piece of 
 harp-string ; and they were thus engaged when 
 the "second party" arrived, which included 
 two or three of the fair sex, followed by a 
 very ancient clerk indeed — a senior one, at a 
 hundred a-year, in pumps, spectacles, and gloves, 
 so long that they doubled over the ends of his 
 fingers. And then all the ladies sat in a row 
 on one side of the fire-place, and all the gen- 
 tlemen stood about on the other, not speak- 
 ing much, and only in a whisper; to divert 
 which solemnity, and give an appearance of 
 bustle and vivacity to the proceedings until it 
 was time to have up the tea, Mr. Snarry poked 
 the fire, ran in and out of the room upon ima- 
 ginary missions, and opened and shut drawers 
 and chiffoniers, nervously looking after things 
 which he knew were not there, for very dis- 
 traction. 
 
 When the tea arrived, Mrs. Hankins, the 
 wife of one of the company, was requested to 
 superintend its distribution, which gave rise 
 to many pleasant sallies of utterance of sly 
 things ; Mr. Bam sitting upon ^Irs. Hankins's
 
 THE SCATTERGOOD FAMILY, 45 
 
 left, and putting the sugar into the cups with 
 infinite drollery. Mr. Pratt, too, came out of 
 the corner where he had remained ever since 
 he came into the room, and practically proved 
 what had been often told him at the Bank, 
 upon the mere perception of his companions, 
 that he was an advantageous acquisition to 
 hand the muffins about at a limited tea-party. 
 
 " That 's right,'' said Mr. Snarry, rubbing 
 his hands, and infusing a little lively dreari- 
 ness into the party ; " that 's right, ladies ; 
 this is Liberty Hall, you know. Don't mind 
 Pratt ; he 's quite harmless." 
 
 Mr. Pratt blushed, and the ladies tittered 
 slightly, whilst the ancient clerk looked pleasant 
 over his spectacles, and paid great attention to 
 what everybody said, often leading the company 
 to think he was about making a bright remark, 
 and then disappointing them by saying nothing. 
 In the midst of one of these pauses the iron gate 
 at the end of the garden was heard to slam, 
 and then a human imitation of a mail-cart horn 
 was sounded from below, followed by one enor- 
 mous solitary bang of the knocker.
 
 46 THE FORTUNES OF 
 
 " There 's Jollit, for a guinea ! '' cried Mr'. 
 Sna,rrj. " Come, now we shall do. I hope 
 he will be rich to-night." 
 
 The wish, whatever it meant, was certainly 
 a kind one, and uttered in all sincerity. For 
 Mr. Joseph JolHt was the wag of the Drawing 
 Office, the " funny man " of every party he 
 was asked to, and unequalled either in his 
 graphic lyrical descriptions, or sawing off the 
 leg of the rosewood-chair. 
 
 Mr. Jollit first caused himself to be an- 
 nounced by Mr. Bam's footboy as the Duke 
 of Northumberland, and then in a most divert- 
 ing manner, walked on up stairs to the se- 
 cond-floor ; from whence, being recalled, he 
 opened the door a little way, and putting his 
 cloak and hat on the top of his umbrella, after 
 the manner of the practical joke in the story- 
 books, touching the African who deceived the 
 lion into going over a precipice, he hoisted it 
 up behind ; concluding that funny trick by 
 pitching it clean over the door amongst the 
 guests, which drew a slight cry of terror from 
 some of the ladies, who imagined that this
 
 J-
 
 THE SCATTERGOOD FAMILY. 47 
 
 was Mr. Jollit's usual method of entering a 
 drawing-room, he being a species of clown of 
 private life. When the excitement of his real 
 entrance had somewhat subsided, he got be- 
 hind Mr. Bodle, and having pinched him in 
 the calf, yelped like a dog, at which Mr. 
 Bodle got exceedingly indignant ; until Mr. 
 Joe Jollit gave him a dig in the ribs with his 
 thumb, put his tongue in his cheek, and told 
 him it was all right. 
 
 A round game was now proposed ; and as 
 soon as Lisbeth had removed the tea-things, 
 and with the subterraneous assistance of Mrs. 
 Chicksand, washed the spoons against supper, 
 Mr. Snarry got out the cards and counters, 
 the latter of which were a gross of button- 
 moulds on a string, and caused a little joy- 
 ousness. And this was increased for the time 
 into something really like a laugh, when Mr. 
 Joe Jollit turned one or two of them into 
 teetotums, by cutting splinters of wood from 
 underneath the table with his penknife, which 
 he pushed through the hole in the middle, 
 and set them twirling. They made a very
 
 48 THE FORTUNES OF 
 
 large party for vingt-un, the funny gentleman 
 sitting between Mrs. Hankins and her sister, 
 and saying " that he was a rose between two 
 thorns, — he meant a thorn between two roses." 
 
 And then he dealt in eccentric fashions, and 
 made jokes about the first knave, and hid aces 
 under the candlestick ; and put other people's 
 fish in his pocket, with other jocularities too 
 numerous to mention. As the card-table drew 
 off a great many people, Mr. Snarry was 
 greatly comforted at all this display of talent, 
 and felt less nervous about entertaining them. 
 But he found, after all, that giving a party 
 wss not the glorious treat which he had anti- 
 cipated it to be. 
 
 When the game left off, at which, by some 
 means or another, everybody had lost a shilling, 
 the time came for Mr. Bodle to amuse the 
 company by playing and singing whilst supper 
 was laid. And this was all very well ; for 
 the musical professor was becoming indignant 
 that he had not been asked before. After a 
 convulsive symphony, he commenced a ballad 
 of his own composing, singing it very loud,
 
 THE SCATTERGOOD FAMILY. 49 
 
 that the young lady who lodged next door, 
 whose migrations he followed with hopeless 
 affection, might hear it ; whilst the lady por- 
 tion of the company listened with great ad- 
 miration, and Mr. Joe Jollit imitated a violin- 
 cello performer, by sitting the wrong way 
 upon his chair, and playing upon the back with 
 the tongs, at which Mrs. Hankins's sister hid 
 her face in her handkerchief with laughter, he 
 was such a droll creature — she never did! 
 
 Two or three ladies, with their hair dressed 
 in the most prevalent style of suburban scare- 
 crows, who had remained singularly unoccupied 
 all the evening, were now led forward to sup- 
 per by Mr. Pratt and the ancient clerk. Mr. 
 Bodle played the " Roast Beef of Old Eng- 
 land," which was thought very appropriate ; 
 and Mr. Joe Jollit drew down great mirth, by 
 giving estimates of the prices of everything on 
 the table, asking Mr. Snarry what time to-mor- 
 row he intended to dine off the fragments, and 
 drinking by mistake out of Mrs. Hankins's 
 sister's glass. Then he called Bam's footboy 
 "Lorenzo Augustus," and christened Lisbeth 
 
 VOL. I. ^ D
 
 50 THE FORTUNES OF 
 
 Clotilda, and told Mr. Snarry not to be 
 fussy; for if there were not enough clean plates, 
 they could turn what they had upside down. 
 What a real blessing was Jollit to persons 
 about to give a party ! 
 
 After supper Mr. Snarry informed the guests 
 that he had prevailed upon Mr. Joe Jollit to 
 dance his hornpipe blindfolded amongst six 
 oyster-patties, the fire-shovel, and hearth-brush, 
 disposed in a cunning manner upon the floor. 
 There only remained from the supper four 
 patties and two cheese-cakes, which the talented 
 gentleman was arranging to his satisfaction, 
 when a great knock at the door diverted his 
 attention. 
 
 "That's my brother Tom," said Mr. Jollit. 
 " He said he would come late, because he has 
 been to another party." 
 
 " He will take some supper," said Mr. 
 Snarry. 
 
 " No, no, — never mind," replied Jollit ; " he 
 can have that pastry when I have finished 
 with it. Now see me receive him." 
 
 Lisbeth was re-collecting clean tumblers in
 
 THE SCATTERGOOD FAMILY. 51 
 
 the kitchen, so Mr. Barn's footboy answered 
 the knock. Mr. Jollit first walked round the 
 room with pantomimic mystery; and> having 
 taken up one of the squabs from the sofa, which 
 he poised on the half-opened door, next armed 
 himself with the other, and stood opposite to 
 it. 
 
 There was a moment of breathless interest, 
 as footsteps were heard on the stairs. They 
 approached, and the door was opened by Mr. 
 Bam's boy. The first cushion directly fell down 
 upon his head, and, before an instant could 
 elapse, Mr. Joe Jollit hurled the second with 
 herculean power at the visitor who followed 
 him. The gentleman reeled back, and appeared 
 to stumble. There was the scream of a female 
 in distress, followed by a smash of glass so tre- 
 mendous, that it could be compared to nothing 
 but a shower of tumblers falling through the roof 
 of the Coliseum conservatory ; and then Mr. 
 Snarry, and as many of his friends as it could 
 accommodate, rushed wildly out upon the land- 
 ing-place. 
 
 Half way down the flight was a stout gentle- 
 
 UBRARY 
 
 UNIVERSITY OF ILLINOIS
 
 O^ THE FORTUNES OF 
 
 man in a travelling-cap and cloak, grasping the 
 balusters with one hand, and clutching a car- 
 pet-bag with the other, as he gazed in speech- 
 less astonishment at the throng above. At the 
 bottom reposed the fatal cushion and Lisbeth, 
 amidst the ruins of the tray of glasses she was 
 carrying up for the mixed beverages. And 
 close to her were two females, also in travelling 
 costumes, the younger one a pale, but very 
 handsome, girl of eighteen, clinging to the 
 other in extreme terror ; whilst a violent draft 
 ascended from the open street-door, through 
 which a little boy was assisting a hackney-coach 
 driver to bring in all sorts of packages and 
 bundles from the vehicle. 
 
 Mrs. Chicksand and her husband flew up 
 from the kitchen, where they had been discuss- 
 ing every dish of Mr. Snarry"'s supper as it 
 came down, upon the first alarm ; and in an 
 instant the truth broke upon them. After a 
 terribly rough voyage of thirteen hours, the 
 family of the Scattergoods had in reality arrived 
 from Boulogne, and driven immediately to 
 Mr. Chicksand's for something like a quiet
 
 THE SCATTERGOOD FAMILY. 5S 
 
 night's rest, to compensate them for their ha- 
 rassing journey. Mr. Bam's footboy, forewarned 
 of nothing to the contrary, imagined that they 
 were a portion of the company, and directly 
 ushered them up stairs ; and Mr. Joe JolHfs 
 funny conceits had led to this remarkable recep- 
 tion. 
 
 There was, of course, a violent uproar, in 
 which all the gentlemen joined, except the 
 ancient clerk and Mr. Pratt, who retired in 
 great fright to the end of the room. Some 
 were very angry, others could not help looking 
 upon it as a practical joke. But the young 
 girl, who still kept close to her mother, after 
 exclaiming, " How different this is to our own 
 home ! " burst into tears.
 
 54 THE FORTUNES OF 
 
 CHAPTER V. 
 
 VINCENT SCATTERGOOD MEETS WITH AN ENGAGEMENT. 
 
 The house from whose humblest attic issued 
 forth those harrowing incidents of domestic 
 tragedy and nautical adventure with which 
 Mr. Glenalvon Fogg, dramatic author, startled 
 the Monday night galleries, and appalled the 
 pits of minor theatres, was situated in a blind 
 court leading out of Drury Lane. You would 
 not have found your way thither unless you 
 had been shown, for the entrance was like the 
 long private approach to an exclusive dust-bin, 
 widening into a narrow parallelogram of ricket- 
 ty houses, so that the ground-plan of the lo- 
 cality would have put one in mind of the sec- 
 tional outline of an eau-de-cologne bottle. 
 There was a gutter in the middle, obstructed
 
 THE SCATTERGOOD FAMILY. 55 
 
 into various lakes and waterfalls by the in- 
 genuity of the resident children, to which the 
 pavement on either side inclined ; and one 
 lamp at the extreme end, which left a neutral 
 ground of gloom before the next one in the 
 street, opposite the entrance, caught up the 
 illumination. Some of the houses were des- 
 titute of bells and knockers, and the doors 
 remained open all night. Others had whole 
 regiments of little knobs on the posts, one 
 below the other, like the stops of a church- 
 organ, with an array of small brass labels ac- 
 companying them, that resembled the show- 
 plates put forth by enterprising trunkmakers, 
 graven with the names of various individuals 
 who are commonly supposed to have ordered 
 large outfits of travelling-desks and portman- 
 teaus, which they never paid for. 
 
 Mr. Glenalvon Fogg had a bellpull. It was 
 the inside of a window-curtain tassel screwed 
 on to a skewer. But this was only for the 
 service of visitors, as he furthermore possessed 
 a key, which in its powers was more com- 
 plicated than anything the most lock-perplexing
 
 56 THE FORTUNES OF 
 
 engineer ever invented, for nobody could use 
 it but the owner, and sometimes he could not 
 himself. It required to be inserted for a certain 
 distance in a hole five times its size, with no 
 scutcheon ; and then, whilst the top of the door 
 was pulled towards him by the knocker, and 
 the bottom kicked from him by the foot, a pe- 
 culiar twist was made, and, provided the key 
 was in a complaisant mood, the lock yielded. 
 If these precautions were not taken, the key 
 turned wildly round and round in its socket, 
 producing no more effect than if it had been 
 the door-handle of a night-cab. The whole 
 ceremonial usually caused great distress to new 
 lodgers ; but, the task once achieved and un- 
 derstood, they rejoiced greatly in their double 
 security. 
 
 Followed by Vincent Scattergood as closely 
 as the gloom permitted, Mr. Glenalvon Fogg 
 entered his house, and groped his w^ay up the 
 creaking and disjointed staircase. When he 
 had climbed as high as he could go, another 
 door was opened ; and, after he had stumbled 
 over the table of the room, and kicked a chair
 
 • »
 
 t^- -_ ^ t^ 
 
 'W' 
 
 ^"Uvj;^ ^^z^..y0^%m^^
 
 THE SCATTERGOOD FAMILY. 57 
 
 into the fire-place, he contrived to find a lucifer. 
 Its lurid promethean glare, as he kindled it 
 against the side of the mantelpiece, appeared 
 to give him pleasure, as any sort of tinted fire 
 was wont to do. He waved it about as he 
 would have done a torch, and hummed a few 
 severe melodramatic bars as he lighted the 
 candle, with the air of the Genius of Envy in- 
 voking the Fiend of Mischief. 
 
 " This is my roof," said Mr. Fogg blandly, 
 as he lighted the small end in the candlestick, 
 — one of the eighteen-penny brass ones come 
 to distress, which, to judge from the displays 
 in shop-windows, furnishing ironmongers think 
 the chief thing necessary for young couples 
 establishing. '^' This is my roof." 
 
 Vincent looked towards the ceiling, and saw, 
 from the sloping rafters, that he spoke . lite- 
 rally. 
 
 " And this,"" continued the dramatist, point- 
 ing to a turn-down bedstead, painted in the 
 imitation street-door pattern ; " and this my 
 lowly couch. But let content invest it, and 
 the sleep is sweeter than on the gilded pillow."
 
 58 THE FORTUNES OF 
 
 (This was from his last play.) " I am sorry 
 I have no similar accommodation to offer you, 
 but you shall have the mattress." 
 
 " I am afraid I am putting you to a great 
 deal of inconvenience," observed Vincent. 
 
 " By no means, my dear sir," rephed Mr. 
 Fogg, as he began lugging off the mattress. 
 " The sacking is sufficiently soft. With re- 
 spect to blankets — with respect to blankets — 
 um — I was thinking — " 
 
 "Oh, now don't mind me,"" said Vincent, 
 who perceived that there was not a superfluity 
 of the articles in question. " My coat has kept 
 off a little more cold than this ; and, so long as 
 I get shelter, I am not very particular about 
 my bed. I hope you don't object to the smell 
 of tobacco ? " 
 
 " By no means," returned the dramatist, as 
 he made preparations for his night toilet. " A 
 pipe on the stage is a good effect ; it imparts 
 an air of nature to the scene, especially if 
 smoke comes from it. Heigho ! " he continued, 
 yawning, as some distant and apparently half- 
 frozen bells wheezed out their chimes. " It is
 
 THE SCATTERGOOD FAMILY. 59 
 
 very late, and I shall not be long going to 
 sleep. I dreamt a plot last night — one of 
 wonderful situation. I wonder if I shall do 
 so again."" 
 
 " Try this first," said Vincent, as he took a 
 small flask from his pocket. " I don't expect it 
 has paid much duty, but possibly it will be 
 none the worse for that." 
 
 " Now, by my halidame ! " exclaimed Mr. 
 Fogg, tasting the contents ; and then, descend- 
 ing to the everyday style, he added, " That 
 is excellent — most admirable. Good night ! " 
 
 Having thus expressed himself, he curled up 
 in the bedclothes like a human dormouse, and 
 was soon asleep, revelling in visions of sudden 
 entrances, and unanticipated denouemens. Vin- 
 cent smoked his pipe as he sat over the hearth 
 — more from habit than custom, for the fire 
 had long since departed, — and then, throwing 
 himself upon the mattress, he placed his bundle 
 for a pillow, drew his rough coat closely about 
 him, and soon slumbered as soundly as his 
 host. 
 
 It was late in the morning when they awoke.
 
 60 THE FORTUNES OF 
 
 Vincent had a faint recollection of having 
 opened his eyes about daybreak, and seen some 
 aged female wandering about the room ; and 
 now a fire was burning in the grate, and a 
 cloth was laid for breakfast variegated at every 
 part with inkspots. The visitor left Mr. Fogg 
 to adorn, whilst he went down to a barber^ 
 and refreshed himself with a shave and an 
 ablution. In about a quarter of an hour he 
 returned, and found his host ready for his meal, 
 of which, however, there was no very great 
 appearance beyond a coffee-pot on the hob. 
 
 " I saw some most attractive sausages just 
 now," said Vincent : " suppose we have a pound. 
 I am not so very hard run but I think I can 
 afford that trifle." 
 
 There was a mute expression of satisfaction 
 at the offer on the features of Mr. Fogg, and 
 Vincent hurried away to make the purchase, 
 soon returning with the luxury, as well as a 
 pot of porter. 
 
 " There ! *" he exclaimed, with a mingled air 
 of triumph and satisfaction as he placed them 
 on the table ; " we shall do now !"
 
 THE SCATTERGOOD FAMILY. 61 
 
 " We must cook them," observed the author, 
 '* ourselves." 
 
 " Leave that to me," said the other. " I 
 know all about it, provided you supply the 
 means. Have you. got a frying-pan ? " 
 
 " I cannot say I have," said Mr. Fogg ; " but 
 I have an old property, that will answer every 
 end." 
 
 And, going to a large box that was in the 
 corner of the room, he routed amongst the 
 rubbish with which it was apparently filled, 
 and produced a battered theatrical shield, which 
 had apparently been used before for the same 
 purpose. 
 
 " There !" he exclaimed, thumping it with 
 his fist, in token of its soundness, "that was 
 part of a debt from a country manager. I 
 sold him two three-act dramas, out and out, 
 for fifteen shillings, and he could not pay me 
 even that ; so I took it out in properties. It 
 has stood a great many desperate combats." 
 
 " We'll see if it will stand fire equally well," 
 observed his guest. 
 
 Under Vincenf's culinary superintendence the
 
 62 THE FORTUNES OF 
 
 sausages, after hissing and sputtering on the 
 shield, were transferred to a dish on the table ; 
 and then he drew the chest towards the fire, 
 and sat upon it, as they commenced eating, 
 with an excellent appetite. The meal was 
 pronounced excellent, the porter unequalled ; 
 and by the time they had finished they began 
 to feel as if they had been acquainted with 
 each other as many years as they had hours. 
 
 " And so you do not wish to go home again ?'' 
 asked Fogg, in following up a conversation 
 which Vincent started during breakfast respect- 
 ing his own affairs." 
 
 " Well, I don't like to, to tell the truth : 
 in fact, I scarcely know where my home is 
 situated just at present. Pm afraid I have 
 tired the governor out with my unsettled dis- 
 position ; although, to be sure, he never did 
 much for me. He failed, as a lawyer, about 
 a year ago, and then they all went to live at 
 Boulogne. He had hundreds of chances, but 
 let them all slip through his fingers," 
 
 " You did not go with them ? *" 
 
 " No ; I went to ,sea, — the refuge of all the
 
 THE SCATTERGOOD FAMILY. 63 
 
 ne'er-do-wells. And yet I think I could have 
 got on if I had been regularly put to some- 
 thing. But whenever I spoke to my father 
 about it, he said he would see, and it would 
 be all in good time, and there was no occasion 
 to hurry — you know the kind of character.'" 
 
 " Precisely," said Mr. Fogg ; " more effec- 
 tive in the legitimate than a domestic burletta. 
 Fathers should always be energetic in the 
 latter.'" 
 
 "Eh?" 
 
 " Excuse me, — a passing idea," replied Mr. 
 Fogg. And then he continued, speaking dra- 
 matically, " Go on ; your story interests me : 
 you spoke of friends — of home. You have a 
 mother.?" 
 
 " Yes ; and a sister — a dear, good girl, who 
 had more sense in her little finger than all the 
 rest of the family put together. Poor Clara ! I 
 believe she was the only one at home who kept 
 things at all together." 
 
 And Vincent remained silent for an instant ; 
 whilst Mr. Fogg poked the fire with a toasting- 
 fork.
 
 64 THE FORTUNES OF 
 
 "Have you any plot laid out of what you 
 mean to do ? " asked the dramatist. 
 
 " Nothing in the world,'' returned his visi- 
 tor. " I couldn't stand the sea any longer, 
 and so I left it of my own accord. I must 
 contrive something, though, or it will be getting 
 interesting before long." 
 
 " Can you write .?" 
 
 " Of course I can," replied Vincent, looking 
 as if he were astonished at the question. 
 
 " Yes ; but I mean, can you compose ? — 
 are you anything of an author ?" 
 
 " Not that I know of." 
 
 *' When I first came to London, I was not 
 much better off than yourself," observed Mr. 
 Fogg ; " but I got an introduction to the 
 press, and turned reporter of accidents. I lodg- 
 ed at a public-house next an hospital, and got 
 them all first-hand from the porter's assistant. 
 I was paid, as usual, by the line." 
 
 "And did that bring you in much?" asked 
 Vincent. 
 
 " Well, I was obliged to nurse and humour 
 the accounts a little, and say as much about
 
 THE SCATTERGOOD FAMILY. 65 
 
 nothing as I could. I mean, I generally com- 
 menced by throwing the whole neighbourhood 
 of the occurrence into a state of the greatest 
 excitement throughout the afternoon, in conse- 
 quence of a report that such and such a thing 
 had happened. Now, you see, that in itself 
 makes two or three lines ; although, in reality, 
 the chances are that the very next door didn't 
 know anything in the world about it, or if they 
 did, didn't care." 
 
 " I can't tell whether I could manage that 
 or not," said Vincent, " because I never tried. 
 Still, I repeat, I must see about something or 
 another." 
 
 " I think I could insure you nine shillings a- 
 week, for a month or so," observed Mr. Fogg. 
 
 "Indeed!" cried Vincent eagerly; "and 
 how.?" 
 
 " By getting you into the pantomime at one 
 of the theatres over the water, as a supernu- 
 merary. Should you object to that .'*" 
 
 " I should not object to anything that brings 
 me in one halfpenny," said the other. 
 
 " Well, I will see about that at once, then,"
 
 66 THE FORTUNES OF 
 
 continued the author. " I have to read a 
 piece at the theatre this morning, and I will 
 mention it to the chief of the supers. In the 
 meantime, whilst I am gone, will you look over 
 this manuscript, and see that there is nothing 
 wrong in the nautical phrases."" 
 
 " I will do so, to the best of my ability," 
 said Vincent. 
 
 "And, by the way," said Mr. Fogg, as he 
 took his cloak from the peg, and rubbed his 
 hat with a blacking-brush, " if you think of 
 any good incident in your own family or career, 
 just jot it down, will you ? It will all work in." 
 
 Vincent smiled as he promised compliance 
 and betook himself to his new task, with the 
 assistance of a pipe ; whilst Mr. Fogg, wishing 
 him good morning, and telling him to make 
 himself at home, started forth upon his drama- 
 tic and philanthropic mission.
 
 THE SCATTERGOOD FAMILY. 67 
 
 CHAPTER VI. 
 
 THE MYSTERIES OF PANTOMIME. 
 
 The stage-entrance of the transpontine 
 theatre, towards which Mr. Fogg now bent 
 his steps, was guarded by a janitor of particu- 
 larly severe aspect and demeanour. Next to 
 beadles and toll-takers, there is no class of 
 persons so capable of inspiring awe, or repress- 
 ing exhibitions of what is commonly understood 
 in well-conducted circles to signify merely the 
 outer husks of Qorn, as stage-doorkeepers, — 
 those antitheses to turnkeys, whose business it 
 is to sit in a lodge, reversing the ordinary duty 
 of a gaoler, and occasionally occupied in keeping 
 creditors from going in, instead of debtors from 
 coming out. 
 
 Scutt — the chorus and supernumeraries called
 
 68 THE FORTUNES OF 
 
 him Mr. Scutt — was a fine specimen of his 
 class ; and he kept the hall of the theatre, 
 whose fortunes Mr. Fogg vvas about to increase 
 by his dramatic production. He had been in 
 that situation for thirty years, and outlived half- 
 a-dozen lessees. He had known the fairies rise 
 to peasants, then to pages, and lastly to cham- 
 ber-maids ; he recollected every year in which 
 any piece had been performed, how long it ran, 
 what time it took to get up, and who acted in 
 it. And yet, with all this, it was very remark- 
 able that he had never seen a play in his life, nor 
 did he enjoy a very clear idea of what a drama- 
 tic representation was like ; being only con- 
 scious that the performers wore dresses different 
 to what they walked about the streets in, from 
 having seen some of them occasionally come 
 down to speak to acquaintances inside the 
 wicket. 
 
 Some people have a great desire to get 
 behind the scenes of a theatre, and will invent 
 the most artful schemes, and presume upon the 
 faintest knowledge of anybody therein occupied, 
 to accomplish their object. But Scutt would have
 
 THE SCATTERGOOD FAMILY. 69 
 
 been a very unfortunate guardian to have " tried 
 it on''* upon. There was a force in his speech, 
 and a roughness in his manner, that made the 
 self-sufficient quail, and frightened the timid out 
 of their wits, by the awful "Sir" or " Madam" 
 with which he commenced his speeches. In- 
 deed, to form a picture of him, exaggerated but 
 characteristic, you must imagine Dr. Johnson, 
 .if he had taken to drinking, come to distress, 
 and been provided by Garrick mth the situa- 
 tion. 
 
 To Mr. Fogg, however, as an author of the 
 establishment, he was most especially polite ; 
 and on this present morning they had a pint of 
 " deviled ale" from the house near the theatre, 
 in company. And, this being discussed, Mr. 
 Fogg took his way to the green-room, invigo- 
 rated in mind and warmed in body, to read 
 his piece. 
 
 In compliance with the prompter's call of the 
 previous evening, which had been locked up in 
 a little cage, like a bank-note at a money- 
 changer's, the performers were all assembled, 
 sitting as gravely round the room as if they had
 
 70 THE FORTUNES OF 
 
 been acting Venetian senators; and not wishing 
 to encourage the author too much, or make him 
 think more of his position than he ought to do, 
 as their underhng, by laughing at his jokes or 
 admiring his pathos. The stage-manager stirred 
 the fire, and the call-boy brought a glass of 
 water, and then Mr. Fogg began reading his 
 play, which was in two acts, throwing all his 
 exertion into the task of making every part 
 appear desirable, and *' bringing up " the bad 
 ones. This took about an hour and a quarter, 
 and then the meeting broke up, having con- 
 descended to pronounce the last situation " tre- 
 mendous." 
 
 " Mr. Fogg, — one word, if you please,'' said 
 an actor to the dramatist, as he left the room. 
 
 The person who addressed him was Mr. 
 Dilk, the heavy-melodrama gentleman and 
 general outlaw. 
 
 " You '11 excuse me," said he, " but I think 
 you may recollect our bargain." 
 
 " Indeed, I cannot call it to mind at present," 
 said Mr. Fogg. 
 
 " I believe you promised to always give me a
 
 THE SCATTERGOOD FAMILY. 71 
 
 leap or a fall," said Mr. Dilk. " Now there is 
 neither in my part, as it stands." 
 
 " I don't see how we could bring one in very 
 well," answered Mr. Fogg. 
 
 " Can I be shot, and hang to a beam by one 
 leg, after the combat ?" asked the actor. " I 
 like an effect, you know — you understand me — 
 an effectr 
 
 • "I can't contrive it, I am afraid," replied the 
 author. 
 
 " Then I don't think I can make much of 
 the character," said Mr. Dilk. " Now, look 
 here," he continued, after a minute's pause. 
 " I never yet fell from the flies. Don't you 
 think, if I was to appear suddenly, and confront 
 the murderer through the roof of the cottage, 
 instead of entering by the door, it would be a 
 hit !" 
 
 There was a chance of Mr. Dilk's being dis- 
 contented with his part, and it was a principal 
 one. So Mr. Fogg agreed to interpolate the 
 situation, albeit it had not much to do with the 
 plot. But had Mr. Dilk wished to slide sud- 
 denly down a rope from the hole above the
 
 7^ THE FORTUNES OF 
 
 chandelier to the stage, the chances are that 
 he would have gained his point. As it waSj 
 he departed perfectly satisfied ; and then Miss 
 Pelham, the leading heroine, attacked him. 
 
 " I hope, sir," said that lady, in a voice re- 
 sembling a Meg Merrilies of private life, " you 
 will not allow Miss Horner to sing her song 
 so immediately before my scene." 
 
 " There is no other situation for it, my dear 
 lady," replied Mr. Fogg. 
 
 " Very well, sir," said Miss Pelham ; " then 
 every point will be ruined. The comic part, 
 too, is cruelly strong — enough to stitle every- 
 thing. I am confident you will find it necessary 
 to cut out all the jokes." 
 
 Mr. Fogg could hear no more, but rushed in 
 despair to the room of the stage-manager, 
 being interrupted on his way thither by Miss 
 Horner, who caught him by the arm, and ex- 
 claimed, most energetically, 
 
 " Mr. Fogg, you are the author of the piece 
 — recollect that — you are the author, and have 
 a right to do as you please. Don't consent to 
 have one line of my part cut. You don't know
 
 THE SCATTERGOOD FAMILY. 73 
 
 the evil spirits there are in this theatre. 
 There's a certain person — you understand — 
 always will be the head. Jealousy, and nasty 
 petty feeling ! Don't allow a line to be cut, or 
 the part will not be worth playing.'' 
 
 Mr. Fogg uttered a groan in response, and 
 took refuge with the stage-manager. Here, 
 after an interview with the captain of the super- 
 numeraries, he procured a weekly nine-shilling 
 engagement for Vincent, and then started home 
 again, receiving a promise that his play should 
 be brought out in three days from that morn- 
 ing, which was declared quite a sufficient space 
 of time to get up the most elaborate minor- 
 theatre drama ever written, including scenes, 
 dresses, incidental music, and lastly, being of 
 least consequence, the words of the author. 
 
 Vincent had not been idle at his new task 
 during his patron's absence ; and, the ideas 
 of a dramatist respecting nautical subjects being 
 somewhat opposed to what they are in reality, 
 he found plenty to alter or improve upon. 
 Mr. Fogg was greatly set at ease within him- 
 self by these corrections ; and, on the strength 
 
 VOL. I. E
 
 74 THE FORTUNES OF 
 
 of their clay's prosperity, they dined together 
 at an alamode beef house in the vicinity, and 
 therein consumed unknown meats of richly- 
 spiced flavour, inscrutable gravy, and india- 
 rubber texture. 
 
 The pantomime being the last piece, Vincent 
 was not required at the theatre until half-past 
 nine, at which hour he wended his way thither, 
 accompanied by his host. They passed the 
 stage-door, where he was formally introduced 
 to Scutt, that he might be known again ; and 
 then, diving into various obscure labyrinths, 
 Mr. Fogg at last conducted him to the chief 
 dressing-room of the " supers." 
 
 It was a rough, bare apartment, something- 
 like a kitchen without its appointments, and 
 a prolonged dresser running all round it. There 
 was a coke fire at one end, and over the man- 
 tel-piece two bits of broken looking-glass, and 
 some burnt ends of corks, which far outrivalled 
 the curious natural products of Macassar and 
 Columbia in the rapidity with which they pro- 
 duced mustachios and whiskers. The dresser 
 was covered with demoniacal properties, and
 
 THE SCATTERGOOD FAMILY. 75 
 
 round the walls hung a series of heads, super- 
 naturally large, as if they had just been deca- 
 pitated from giants. But there was nothing 
 ghastly in their appearance ; on the contrary, 
 the expression of their features invariably in- 
 clined to conviviality — so much so, that they 
 appeared in the constant enjoyment of a per- 
 petual joke. And when any of the super- 
 numeraries, who were not men remarkable for 
 hilarious countenances, put one of these heads 
 on, you immediately invested him with the 
 unceasing merriment it expressed, and gave 
 him credit for great comic powers and exten- 
 sive humour : although, from the circumstance 
 of his being compelled to talk through the 
 nostrils, his voice, when he spoke, somewhat 
 disappointed you in its general effect, being 
 anti-stentorian, and rather disproportioned to 
 the head it issued from. 
 
 Vincent was introduced by Mr. Fogg to an 
 "Evil Genius,"" known to the rest as Poddy, 
 and not appearing to rejoice in any other 
 cognomination, who promised to shew the new 
 
 member of the company his business. Poddy 
 
 fi2
 
 76 THE FORTUNES OF 
 
 was the butt of the dressing-room. He had 
 been a "super'' all his life, never having ar- 
 rived even at the dignity of delivering a mes- 
 sage, nor indeed opening his mouth at all upon 
 the stage, except when he cheered, as a " mob'' 
 in Julius Caesar. He was remarkable for wear- 
 ing everything much too large for him, espe- 
 cially helmets, which always came over his 
 eyes. But his great practical knowledge made 
 him generally useful, and he was never with- 
 out an engagement at one or the other of the 
 theatres. No one could carry an emblazoned 
 banner so well as Poddy, so as never to shew 
 the back of it, but always to keep it on the 
 same plane to the audience, in whatever direc- 
 tion he might be going. And in pantomime 
 he was equally great, and would change his 
 dress a dozen times in the course of the evening. 
 His personation of the simple-hearted shop- 
 keeper who admits the clown into partnership, 
 upon the bare strength of his obsequious bows 
 and promissory advantages was, as a whole, 
 perfect ; and in the tumult of popular excite- 
 ment, at the end of the scene in which the
 
 THE SCATTERGOOD FAMILY. 77 
 
 characters are changed, he performed an un- 
 wary image-man, of unstedfast footing, in a 
 manner which usually drew down a roar of 
 applause ; more particularly when a flabby fish, 
 hurled by an unseen assailant, levelled him 
 with the ground, and his unknown busts of 
 papier mache rolled silently and unbroken about 
 the stage. 
 
 No one but Poddy could fall back so natu- 
 rally into the " Raspberry Jam," which in 
 pantomimes appears to be usually kept loose 
 in a hamper ; no one could afterwards exhibit 
 the injury his fashionable summer trowsers had 
 sustained from the accident with such eiFect. 
 And when, as the maimed member of the 
 Legion, he limped from a box, labelled " Da- 
 maged fruit from Spain,'"* and had his crutches 
 kicked away from under him by the clown 
 in a heartless and unprovoked manner, his phy- 
 sical capabilities for pantomimic victims were 
 singularly apparent. He regretted that the 
 slide formed by the application of the purloined 
 butter to the ground was not more frequently 
 introduced, maintaining that, however ancient
 
 78 THE FORTUNES OF 
 
 a joke was, people always laughed at it just 
 the same ; and that, however slow a Christmas 
 piece might be going, the forcible intrusion 
 of a hat over the eyes of a policeman, or, in- 
 deed, any acknowledged authority, always 
 yecalled the complete satisfaction of the au- 
 dience. 
 
 By the direction of this experienced gentle- 
 man, Vincent was thrust into a painted enve- 
 lope, of the last supernatural fashion, with 
 canvas and whalebone wings running from the 
 heels to the wrists. A terrible head, with 
 green tinsel cheeks, and red worsted hair, was 
 then added ; and finally, as the pantomime 
 was about to commence, he took his place with 
 some others similarly attired, in a large con- 
 trivance which was to descend from the back of 
 the stage upon an inclined plane, and then open ; 
 being ostensibly drawn by two dragons, but in 
 reality let down by two carpenters, with a third, 
 who rode behind to turn the revolving star, and 
 light the red fire the minute the adamantine 
 portals in front flew open. At length the piece 
 began, and when the gong gave the signal, the
 
 THE SCATTERGOOD FAMILY. 79 
 
 apparatus started oiF, Vincent keeping his feet 
 tolerably well, from his nautical practice, al- 
 though the progress was somewhat vague, and 
 to common minds alarming ; much resembling 
 the unsteady and awe-inspiring journey which 
 is made down a steep beach in a bathing- 
 machine let down from above high-water-mark 
 by a windlass ; at which period the ignorance 
 of where you are going, and the knowledge of 
 the approaching immersion, usually combine to 
 produce a state of feeling far from agreeable, 
 the pulsation of your, own heart being alone 
 equalled by the bumping of the pinless cushion 
 against the wooden walls of the vehicular tene- 
 ment. 
 
 In this his first scene, in which the chief 
 action was to express obedience, by assuming 
 the position of the fighting gladiator, looking 
 upon the ground after something he had lost, 
 Vincent acquitted himself remarkably well ; so 
 much so, that he was comphmented by Poddy 
 thereon when he returned to the dressing-room ; 
 in return for which he stood some gin-and- 
 water, and they drank it whilst they changed
 
 80 THE FORTUNES OF 
 
 their costumes to those of different every-day 
 characters allotted to them. 
 
 '* Pork, eel, mutton, or mince," said a female 
 voice, calling attention to itself by a previous 
 knock at the door. 
 
 " Let me recommend you a pie," said Poddy 
 to Vincent. " It is the nourishingest thing 
 going for a penny ; a great card to supers." 
 
 Vincent declined the refreshment thus spoken 
 so highly of. 
 
 " I '11 have half a pork tart with any one 
 who '11 toss with me for it," cried a Fiend of 
 Despair. " Now, Poddy, you are always 
 game. Sudden death — cry to me." 
 
 " Woman ! " ejaculated Poddy. 
 
 " It 's a man ! " returned the spirit, with 
 fiendish triumph, as he took off his head, in 
 anticipation of the repast, never allowing his 
 adversary to see which side the money turned 
 up. " You may get two, if you like." 
 
 '' Poor Poddy is very unlucky ; he always 
 loses," remarked another demon, in tones of 
 commiseration. 
 
 This was followed by a general laugh, im-
 
 THE SCATTERGOOD FAMILY. 81 
 
 plying a hidden joke, and possibly a reflection 
 on Poddy's sagacity ; who, however, shared 
 the confectionary with his supernatural oppo- 
 nent, and then finished his toilet as the foreign 
 gentleman in tights, with an eye-glass, who 
 was to have his coat torn off by rival omnibus 
 cads, and the discovery made that he had no 
 shirt on. Several of the other supernumeraries 
 dressed as visitors to an exhibition, including 
 Vincent, who retained his half-nautical attire ; 
 others prepared to keep toy and pickle-shops, 
 in frock-coats, and long hair, — the prevalent 
 style of pantomimic tradesmen who have to 
 rush in frantic surprise from their houses, after 
 the clown has knocked violently at the door, 
 and laid himself down in front of it, or the 
 harlequin has leapt through the large jar of 
 " Capers " in the window, the label whereof 
 directly flaps down and changes to "Pickled;"" 
 and then they went up to the green-room, 
 which was far above them ; for, as the opening 
 scene was that remarkable portion of the globe, 
 " the centre of the earth," in which the demons 
 had to figure, the management had ably kept 
 
 £ 5
 
 82 THE FORTUNES OF 
 
 up the delusion, by placing them as near that 
 locality as the resources of the theatre would 
 permit. 
 
 The green-room presented many tokens of 
 that heterogeneous confusion which may be 
 imagined to exist behind the scenes of a theatre 
 during the performance of a bustling panto- 
 mime. All sorts of curious " properties '' — 
 fairies' wands, wicker shapes, and monstrous 
 heads — were lying about, brought thither by 
 the call-boy to be in readiness. Several of the 
 characters also were sitting round, awaiting the 
 moment of their appearance, the chief part 
 being the lady visitors to the aforementioned 
 exhibition, and promenaders, who were elegant- 
 ly attired in scanty cloaks and cardinals of pink 
 glazed calico, trimmed with white rabbit-skin 
 dotted black, which had a fashionable effect. 
 And every now and then the harlequin or clown 
 rushed in, panting and exhausted, and leaned 
 their heads upon the mantelpiece for support, 
 whilst torn to pieces by a hacking cough, or 
 refreshed themselves from a jug of barley- 
 water, common to the chief pantomimists,
 
 THE SCATTERGOOD FAMILY. 83 
 
 placed on a shelf in the corner of the room ; 
 but before they had recovered, they were al- 
 ways called off again. The harlequin had to 
 take fresh leaps whether he had breath or not : 
 and the clown's duty was to throw the house 
 into convulsions by a moral lyric, descriptive 
 of an unprovoked assault committed by several 
 ill-conducted lads upon an ancient woman of 
 diminutive stature, who supported herself by 
 retailing apples, but was slightly addicted to 
 an unmentioned liquor, only to be guessed at 
 by its rhyme to the last verse, unless sup- 
 plied by any youth of quick perception in the 
 gallery. 
 
 At the end of the room were two little 
 children, mere infants, asleep ; one a fair-haired 
 thing of four years old, and the other some- 
 what its senior. They had been tied to a 
 floating cloud as fairies in the opening scene, 
 and now were not again wanted until the con- 
 clusion. Their little legs had trotted back- 
 wards and forwards a long distance during the 
 day to and from the theatre ; and their night's 
 work only commenced when the night was al-
 
 84 THE FORTUNES OF 
 
 ready advanced. They were paid sixpence an 
 evening for their attendance ; and the weekly 
 three shillings doled from the treasury was a 
 sum not to be despised. But the effects of this 
 artificial existence were painfully visible ; for 
 their lips were parched and fevered, their cheeks 
 hollow and pale, even in spite of the daub of 
 vermilion hastily applied by the dresser, and 
 their limbs shrunk and wasted. To the au- 
 dience, however, they were smiling elves, who 
 appropriately peopled the " Realms of Joy," to 
 the centre of which blissful region their pre- 
 sence was confined ; and, so long as this end 
 was answered, little else was cared for. 
 
 In front of the curtain, amongst the audience, 
 there were many other children, to whose 
 amusement these little martyrs ministered. 
 They were not asleep, nor were they even 
 tired — not they ; for every means that could 
 be devised to lessen the fatigue attendant upon 
 this one instance of prolonged "going to bed**^ 
 had been carefully put into practice. And 
 when Vincent appeared again upon the stage, 
 he could see their merry smiling faces through
 
 THE SCATTERGOOD FAMILY. 85 
 
 the glare of the foot-lights that blazed and 
 smoked between them, and, albeit not over- 
 addicted to quiet reflection, could not help 
 comparing their real elfin mirth with the forced 
 smiles of the fictitious spirits he had just quit- 
 ed. And most beautiful to all, although all 
 knew not at the moment from what agency 
 their own sudden exhilaration sprang, was their 
 sunny and unalloyed laughter, which rang in 
 joyous peals from one box to another, clear and 
 musical above the coarser shouts of merri- 
 ment that greeted any unforeseen comicality. 
 
 There are few more pleasant things in life, 
 in this matter-of-fact conventional world of 
 ours, than taking a child for the first time to 
 a pantomime ; there is nothing that re-opens 
 the spring of old feelings and recollections with 
 such a burst of gladness, however closed up 
 and encrusted over the well may be, by rust 
 accumulated from the damp of disappointment, 
 and the chill of worldly buffeting and unrealized 
 hope. Their mirth is truly glorious : glorious 
 from its purity and reality; glorious from its 
 inspiring effects upon our own hipped and tar-
 
 86 THE FORTUNES OF 
 
 nished spirits. And Heaven forbid there should 
 be any whose withered sympathies are not 
 refreshed by it ! for they must either be proof 
 against all pleasant emotions, or never have 
 known what a home was, when they num- 
 bered no more years than the joyous children 
 around them. 
 
 The pantomime at last concluded. Men in 
 dirty jackets and paper caps, who dispensed 
 dazzling brilliancy which flickered in coloured 
 lights upon the concluding tableau, ignited trays 
 of prismatic fires behind the side-scenes ; the 
 little fairies were aroused from their real vi- 
 sions of everyday life to the- fictitious regions 
 of enchantment. The curtain fell upon the 
 magic realms of eternal bliss, which in ten 
 minutes more were cold, dark, and unpeopled : 
 the clown put his head under the drop-scene, 
 and wished the audience " good night,'' to 
 provoke a parting laugh ; and then Vincent re- 
 joined Mr. Fogg, who had haunted the theatre 
 throughout the evening, and was now waiting 
 for him, talking to Scutt in the hall, in the 
 full importance of being inside the exclusive
 
 THE SCATTERGOOD FAMILY. 87 
 
 wicket, whilst many friends and relations of 
 the demons and sprites were in attendance 
 without. 
 
 " Well, how do you like your new engage- 
 ment.?" said the author to his new friend as 
 they proceeded homewards. 
 
 "Oh, very well," returned Vincent uncon- 
 cernedly ; "it will do until I get tired of it, 
 and then I must find something else. I never 
 kept to anything above a few months.*" 
 
 " Let me recommend you," continued Mr. 
 Fogg, " not to fall in love. Green-room at- 
 tachments usually end in poverty and quar- 
 relling." 
 
 " I do not think that there is much fear of 
 that, from what I have seen to-night," answer- 
 ed Vincent. 
 
 " You cannot tell. When I married the 
 late Mrs. Fogg's family — " 
 
 " Who .'^" interrupted Vincent. 
 
 "My wife's family — two sisters and three 
 brothers, unemployed : I married them all one 
 hapless morning. When I did this, I thought 
 I made a prudent step. But I was mistaken.''
 
 88 THE FORTUNES OF 
 
 " In what manner ? " 
 
 " Because professional people should never 
 marry one another. At that time I performed, 
 instead of wrote ; my late wife was also an ac- 
 tress ; and so the properties, effects, and si- 
 tuations of our own domestic drama never went 
 well, for neither of us had time to look to 
 them." 
 
 " But you could both earn money at your 
 profession." 
 
 " When we both got engagements. It was 
 acknowledged that I bore my wife down a 
 rocky pass better than anybody else ; but then 
 every play had not a rocky pass in it, and so 
 the time I spent in carrying her up and down 
 the top flight of stairs at our lodgings, for 
 practice, was thrown away. And, you see, 
 being such a clever actress, when we were 
 not engaged, the realities of life came but 
 strangely." 
 
 Mr. Fogg became evidently affected by re- 
 collections, and for a time they walked on in 
 silence ; but the toll of Waterloo Bridge re- 
 called him to the present, and when he got on
 
 THE SCATTERGOOD FAMILY. 89 
 
 to that structure he stopped suddenly, and ob- 
 served to Vincent, 
 
 " There has never been done with this 
 bridge what there might have been." 
 
 "So I have often heard my father say,'' 
 returned the other ; "he was a share- 
 holder." 
 
 " I mean in a dramatic, rather than a specu- 
 lative point of view," said Mr. Fogg. " What 
 a flat that shot-tower would make, painted in 
 neutral tint, the windows transparent, and 
 lighted up with a regulation ten-inch moon 
 behind it ! Then a ' set ' of the roofs and 
 chimney-pots before it ; and in front of all, 
 the balustrades, built ! It would save any last 
 act that was ever written." 
 
 "I think it would be very effective, little 
 as I know about theatricals," said Vincent, 
 gently drawing Mr. Fogg onward, for it was 
 very cold. " After all, the principal rule for 
 success appears to me to consist in shewing 
 people what they know something about." 
 
 " You are right," said Mr. Fogg ; " I find 
 it so in the drama. Tell them pleasantly what
 
 90 THE FORTUNES OF 
 
 they are already acquainted with, and they 
 will applaud ; and say it is what they knew, but 
 never thought about. Confound them with 
 deep reasoning, which they do not altogether 
 see, and they will call you dull. You must try 
 and write yourself." 
 
 Vincent expressed his readiness to attempt 
 anything that would tend to fill his almost 
 exhausted purse ; and then the conversation 
 went off into several ramifications, which lasted 
 until they arrived at Mr. Fogg's abode, where 
 he again iook up his residence.
 
 THE SCATTERGOOD FAMILY. 91 
 
 CHAPTER VII. 
 
 MERCHANT TAYLORS SCHOOL. 
 
 It was some little time before the confusion 
 excited by the last ebullition of Mr. Joe Jollit's 
 humorous idiosyncrasy had subsided ; and when 
 it did, it was very evident that the festivities 
 of Mr. Snarry^s reunion had received a check 
 which could not be very easily got rid of. 
 For the host himself looked with ghastly dis- 
 may towards replacing the fractured glasses 
 and decanters ; Lisbeth was too much flurried 
 by the unexpected and unprovoked assault to 
 which she had been subjected, to care any 
 longer in what manner the wants of the guests 
 were administered to ; and the voices of the 
 Chicksands were heard in fearful anger, be- 
 tokening a stormy morrow for the hapless 
 Snarry. Mr. Joe Jollit, too, was completely
 
 92 THE FORTUNES OF 
 
 crestfallen, — ''funny men" are soon abashed 
 when any awkward contretemps arises, — and 
 slunk off somewhat secretly, after making a 
 vague offer to the host to pay for what he 
 had broken ; and then the rest of the company 
 went away one by one, each thanking Mr. 
 Snarry, as they departed, for the very delight- 
 ful evening they had spent. Mr. Chicksand 
 shewed them all out of the street-door, in his 
 white Berlin gloves, and received the parting 
 shillings, in his capacity of imaginary butler, 
 which somewhat consoled him ; except that the 
 illusion was carried a little too far in the case 
 of Mr. Bam, who despatched him, in a very 
 off-hand manner, some distance up the road, 
 to get a cab for Mrs. Hankins and her sister ; 
 and never gave him anything after all. 
 
 In the mean time the new-comers had been 
 ushered into the parlour, the only room in the 
 house at present unoccupied. Little conversa- 
 tion passed between them, except a few ex- 
 pressions of discomfort, for they appeared worn 
 out, and jaded with the voyage. The young 
 girl sat close to her mother, on a low cushion
 
 THE SCATTERGOOD FAMILY. 93 
 
 by her side, and the gentleman, without dis- 
 possessing himself of his travelling-costume, 
 marched impatiently up and down the room ; 
 whilst the youth was already asleep in a large 
 arm-chair, which had been an easy one before 
 the springs were dislocated, and stuck up in 
 various uncomfortable positions from the seat. 
 But fatigue is a good anodyne, and he slept as 
 ■soundly as he would have done in the most 
 luxurious bed ever contrived. 
 
 At last everybody had gone, and then, with 
 a thousand apologies, Mrs. Chicksand ushered 
 her new tenants into the drawing-room, now 
 lighted by a single candle, but still redolent of 
 evening-party odours, — lamps which had been 
 blown out, pachouli, white-wine vapours, and 
 cut oranges. The arrangements for the night 
 were soon made, Mr. Bodle having given up 
 his bed to the young gentleman, and slept on 
 the sofa himself; the demand being made upon 
 the strength of his not having paid for his last 
 fortnight of occupancy. And, in another half- 
 hour, the halls of revelry were wrapt in silence, 
 everybody being asleep but Mr. Snarry, who
 
 94 THE FORTUNES OF 
 
 kept awake for the purpose of holdirjg a long 
 argument with himself as to whether the even- 
 ing had gone off well, or otherwise, hunting up 
 every pleasant reminiscence he could command 
 to cheat himself out of the conviction that the 
 termination had been rather unfortunate. 
 
 The inmates of the house slept until a late 
 hour the next morning, except Mr. Snarry, 
 whose duties called him with heavy eyelids to 
 Threadneedle Street, and Mr. Bodle, who ex- 
 pected a pupil. But at length they were col- 
 lected at breakfast, and certainly appeared in a 
 somewhat more cheerful aspect than they had 
 done on the preceding evening ; for the morn- 
 ing was clear, frosty, and exhilarating, the 
 Chicksand Wallsend blazed and crackled in the 
 grate, and a bright sunbeam shot into the 
 apartment, as if to greet the party assembled 
 with a pleasant welcome. 
 
 Mr. Scattergood, a stout, heavy-looking man, 
 who did not appear capable of any particular 
 emotion, was seated by the fire, apparently 
 taking great interest in his son's proceedings, 
 who was making some toast. His wife had
 
 THE SCATTERGOOD FAMILY. 95 
 
 once been very handsome; traces of beauty still 
 remained in her features, which, however, spoke 
 deeply of trouble and long-continued trials ; 
 and even the very good-looking girl who was 
 superintending the breakfast-table bore a 
 thoughtful and half-sad expression upon her 
 face, which ill accorded with her years. And 
 this gave her the appearance of being somewhat 
 older than she looked; for Clara Scattergcod 
 was not yet eighteen : and, without being ab- 
 solutely beautiful, there was a sweetness and 
 intelligence in her countenance which was sure 
 to attract, when a higher style of female love- 
 liness would have been passed unnoticed. She 
 was a softened and feminine likeness of her 
 brother Vincent, with whom we are already 
 acquainted. Her eyes, like his, were large and 
 dark, but more tranquil and confiding in their 
 expression; and her black hair, which grew 
 with the same luxuriance, fell in heavy rolling 
 curls over her fair neck and shoulders, un- 
 confined by tie or comb of any kind. She was 
 now evidently trying to bear up against her 
 own feehngs, as she assumed a cheerful tone of
 
 96 THE FORTUNES OF 
 
 speaking. But she was pale, and her eyeUds 
 were red. She had evidently been weeping 
 during the night. 
 
 " I wonder when we shall hear from Vin- 
 cent,'' observed Clara, as she took her father 
 his coffee. " I hope they will forward our 
 letters that come to Boulogne, without loss of 
 time. It is three months since we had any 
 news of him."*' 
 
 " It will all come in good time, my Clara,"" 
 said Mr. Scattergood. "I see no reason why 
 he should not be quite well." 
 
 " It seemed hard not to have him with us 
 at Christmas,""* continued Clara. " It was the 
 first time we had ever been separated."" 
 
 " I am afraid we must make up our minds 
 to many such separations, my love,'' observed 
 her mother, " until times are a little changed. 
 Our first business will be to see about Frederick's 
 going to school. My brother has given him a 
 presentation, and will pay his first year's ex- 
 penses. We should look to it without delay." 
 
 The little boy, who was still before the fire, 
 did not appear to enter into the urgency for any
 
 THE SCA.TTERGOOD FAMILY. 97 
 
 hurry, as his face assumed a very lugubrious 
 expression. 
 
 " Well, we will see about it next week," ob- 
 served his father. 
 
 " Why not at once, papa .f^" inquired Clara. 
 *' He is perfectly ready to go this very day, if 
 requisite. And perhaps uncle might be hurt at 
 our not appearing to feel an interest in his 
 handsome offer.'"' 
 
 " I think I have too much to do at present 
 to see about it," replied Mr. Scattergood. 
 
 " I am really too poorly j'"* said the mother, 
 and her appearance bore out the truth of her 
 words, "or I would go myself to the master's 
 where my brother has arranged for him to 
 board. We should at present study everything 
 by which our expenses may be diminished." 
 
 " I'm sure I eat very little," said Frederick, 
 as he looked with an appealing expression in 
 his mother's face. " I think we had better 
 let papa settle it all." 
 
 The boy knew his father's disposition, and 
 that a prolonged vacation would await his 
 taking the affair in hand. 
 
 VOL. I. F
 
 98 THE FORTUNES OF 
 
 " I think I could go with him myself, if you 
 have no objection," continued Clara. " At all 
 events, we could call on the gentleman he is to 
 live with, and make some arrangements. I see 
 nothing to hinder us from going there to-day." 
 
 Mrs. Scattergood appeared to think with her 
 daughter, and in spite of her husband's apathy 
 concerning the undertaking, and Frederick's 
 downcast looks, it was finally agreed that Clara 
 should go with her brother that morning, and 
 prepare the way for his entering the public 
 school to which he had procured the presen- 
 tation. She was not long, after breakfast, in 
 getting ready for the journey ; and then, with 
 her young companion, they rode to London 
 Bridge in an omnibus, and set off in quest of 
 the establishment. 
 
 Thames Street is not exactly the thorough- 
 fare which any one would select by choice for a 
 promenade, unless they had qualified them- 
 selves to walk upon its very narrow pavement 
 by a course of lessons upon the tight rope ; and 
 even then there are countless inconveniences to 
 encounter. The unwieldy waggons appear to
 
 THE SCATTERGOOD FAMILY. 99 
 
 take delight in threatening to crush timid pe- 
 destrians with their huge wheels ; and the 
 iron-bound posts join in the conspiracy, and lean 
 obstinately back against the houses, until, in the 
 despair from the perfect impracticability of 
 passing between them and the wall, the hapless 
 wanderer plunges madly into the mud and 
 gutters, and pursues his onward course as he 
 best may. Everything in Thames Street is 
 identified with the locality. Its waggons are, 
 apparently, never seen anywhere else, nor are 
 the men of ponderous highlows and mighty 
 whips who guide them; its very mud has a 
 peculiarly commercial and wharfish look, preter- 
 naturally remaining in the same state of flu- 
 idity during the hottest summer; and if you 
 met the same people who jostle you on the 
 scanty footpath in any other part of the 
 metropolis, you would stare at them as natural 
 curiosities, evidently as much out of their place, 
 as frogs in Regent Street. 
 
 In one of the many lanes which run up from 
 Thames Street, between London and South- 
 wark bridges, anybody who has the temerity 
 
 F 2
 
 100 THE FORTUNES OF 
 
 to venture into such obscure districts, may 
 perceive a long dingy brick building, with little 
 claims to architectural beauty, occupying a very 
 large proportion of one side of the thoroaighfare. 
 It is adorned by six or seven gaunt, chapel- 
 looking windows, with semicircular tops : and, 
 on sultry summer afternoons, when their case- 
 ments are thrown open, an academic hum dis- 
 turbs the usual silence of the district, broken 
 only at other times by the cries of men from 
 one to the other, as ponderous woolsacks and 
 packages slowly ascend from waggons to the 
 top-stories of adjoining warehouses. But when 
 they are closed, all around is severely silent, 
 except at stated hours of the day, and then a 
 rush of juvenile animation takes place from the 
 old portal ; and the lane instantaneously swarms 
 with the jacketed and lay-down-collared youth 
 of England, each with his complement of learn- 
 ing dangling by a strap from his hand, from 
 the ponderous lexicon to the light Exempla 
 Minora, to be used as a weapon of attack, or 
 an auxihary to study, as occasiom may demand. 
 The ancient statutes of the building provide
 
 THE SCATTERGOOD FAMILY. 101 
 
 that one hundred boys shall be here taught at 
 five shillings per quarter, fifty at half-a-crown 
 per quarter, and a hundred, or upwards, for 
 nothing. But as these rules were made in 
 days of '' wonderful sacrifice," when sheep were 
 sold for fourpence each, and poultry for a 
 penny, it was subsequently found necessary to 
 alter them, and make everybody pay a respect- 
 able sum, in keeping with the importance of 
 the academy. An inscription over the door- 
 way of the building will tell the traveller that 
 it is Merchant Tailors' School. We should 
 more agreeably write " Taylors," in compliance 
 with the taste of its supporters, who wish it 
 distinctly to be understood that it has " no 
 connection with any other establishment " either 
 of cheap outfitters, or retailers of " Gent/s 
 Fashionable Wrappers," which thoughtless peo- 
 ple might be apt to imagine, from its name. 
 
 Clara and Frederick went to the door as soon 
 as they found out it was the place they were 
 in search of But there was no porter, nor 
 bell to summon one with ; neither did any- 
 body appear, until an old woman emerged from
 
 log THE FORTUNES OF 
 
 a kind of cupboard under the stairs ; and from 
 her they learnt that the Rev. Mr. Snap, with 
 whom it was intended Frederick should board, 
 lived some little distance from the school. She 
 gave them some directions as to the nearest 
 way to his abode, and then the brother and 
 sister made the best of their way to his 
 house. 
 
 The Reverend Mr. Snap was at home. He 
 was an elderly man, very pompous and scho- 
 lastic, whose very glance spoke of difficult 
 Greek verbs, and wonderfully complicated num- 
 bers to be imperatively found out, where not 
 even x was given as a clue. Abstruse para- 
 digms and remote derivations were, so to speak, 
 at the extremities of all his fingers; and the 
 manner in which he worked out deep problems, 
 of no use when they were discovered, of old 
 women trying to determine how many eggs 
 they had broken without counting them, and 
 other artful puzzles, by playing at noughts and 
 crosses, and multiplying a into b many times, 
 was a wondrous thing to reflect upon. He 
 received Clara and her brother in his study.
 
 THE SCATTERGOOD FAMILY. 103 
 
 and, somewhat relaxed from his usual staid 
 bearing, as he contemplated her intelligence 
 and address. 
 
 " I have heard from your uncle respecting 
 his intentions," said the master. " He wishes 
 to know if there is any chance of the ultimate 
 election of your brother. How old are you, 
 little boy?" 
 
 " Ten last May, sir," replied Fred, who was 
 sitting in great tremor on the very edge of a 
 chair, close to his sister, making a bird's nest 
 of his pocket-handkerchief. 
 
 " Mamma wished him to be entered as soon 
 as it could be done conveniently," said Clara. 
 " Our circumstances are somewhat changed, 
 sir, to what they were ; and every one at home 
 is an additional expense, however trifling. 
 
 "He can enter immediately, if that will suit 
 you," answered Mr. Snap. " The Christmas 
 vacation is just finished, and it will be as 
 good a time for him as any other to com- 
 mence." 
 
 " Mamma would have come herself, sir, to 
 have seen you," remarked Clara ; " but she is
 
 104 THE FORTUNES OF 
 
 very poorly, having only arrived yesterday from 
 Boulogne ; and papa's occupations usually pre- 
 vent him from interfering much in our family 
 arrangements/'' 
 
 " So I have heard," answered Mr. Snap, in 
 a tone which implied that he was somewhat 
 acquainted with Mr. Scattergood's character. 
 " But they have sent a very satisfactory re- 
 presentative." And Mr. Snap even smiled. 
 " You may go home, and say that I shall be 
 ready to receive your brother whenever he is 
 ready to come." 
 
 If it had remained with Frederick, possibly 
 his advent would not have taken place until 
 a very remote period. As it was, he made 
 his bow to the Reverend Mr. Snap with great 
 alacrity, apparently very glad to quit his pre- 
 sence. And then, satisfied with the result of 
 her mission, Clara took his hand, and they 
 returned home, Freddy being encouraged to 
 walk thither by the example of his sister, who 
 led him to think it was not such a long way, 
 after all, and scarcely worth getting into an 
 omnibus for ; holding out a hope that he should
 
 THE SCATTERGOOD FAMILY. 105 
 
 have the shilling thus saved to add to the 
 contents of his money-box, when the particu- 
 larly black day of the week came upon which 
 he was to go, for the first time, to Merchant 
 Taylors'" School. 
 
 F 5
 
 106 THE FORTUNES OF 
 
 CHAPTER VIII. 
 
 MRS. CHICKSANd's LODGERS. THE ARRIVAL OF BLACK 
 
 MONDAY. 
 
 It did not take a very long time to prepare 
 the youngest olive of the Scattergood family 
 for his career at a public school. Clara was 
 indefatigable, relieving her mother of all extra 
 trouble in arranging his wardrobe, purchasing 
 whatever was wanted, and, above all, cheering 
 her brother, and keeping up his spirits by 
 holding forth bright pictures of his approaching 
 change. For Freddy, after the manner of most 
 little boys similarly situated, did not appear 
 to enter fully into the advantages of his posi- 
 tion, but was somewhat discontented thereat. 
 In fact, Mrs. Chicksand, who had an eye that 
 penetrated the breasts of her lodgers, as well 
 as their closets and tea-caddies, remarked, that
 
 THE SCATTERGOOD FAMILY. 107 
 
 on the following morning he must have left 
 his couch upon the opposite side to that nor- 
 mally appropriated to such a proceeding ; which 
 insinuation, meant to convey an allegorical idea 
 of sulks, might be considered as much owing 
 to Lisbeth as himself, inasmuch as he slept 
 in a French bed, which the handmaiden pushed 
 close up to the walls, leaving no choice of sides 
 but the one pronounced the wrong one. 
 
 Mr. Scattergood also exerted himself. He 
 took great pains in undertaking to accomplish 
 everything that was of no use wdien done, and 
 went out-of-the-way distances, as his inclination 
 led him, to procure articles that were not 
 wanted ; and, finally, he insisted upon mark- 
 ing all the new linen of his son in an elaborate 
 and minutely-correct manner, with some ink 
 of his own manufacturing, which took one day 
 to make, and another to use, and washed out 
 the first time, without leaving a trace behind. 
 But then it saved the expense of a bottle at 
 the chemist's : it was an indolent occupation that 
 Mr. Scattergood rejoiced in ; and it looked as 
 if he was taking a share in the family exertions.
 
 108 THE FORTUNES OF 
 
 Of course there was to be a cake. Whoever 
 went to school without one ? What balm was 
 ever found equal to it for the home-sick yearn- 
 ings of little boys ? Clara undertook to make 
 it herself, and, for that purpose, descended 
 to the kitchen on the morning antecedent to 
 Frederick's departure. 
 
 Mrs. Chicksand was there also, fully em- 
 ployed, apparently conducting a small private 
 wash, manufacturing a meat-pie, and super- 
 intending an unknown preparation that was 
 simmering on the fire, all at once. But these 
 manifold occupations did not prevent her from 
 talking incessantly to Clara, as was her wont 
 with anybody who would listen to her ; the 
 most favourite topic being the domestic affairs 
 of her establishment, and the characteristics of 
 her tenants. 
 
 " We 've had a bad winter of it," said Mrs. 
 Chicksand, as she screwed the fire-place to- 
 gether, took a glance at the contents of the 
 saucepan, and then shook out a lot of little 
 wet frills and cuffs, and threw them lightly 
 upon one another to await the iron ; " a very
 
 THE SCATTERGOOD FAMILY. 109 
 
 bad winter, indeed, Miss," she continued, wish- 
 ing a reply to her remark. 
 
 " Very cold, indeed," answered Clara ; " but 
 I think that is all over." 
 
 And she looked towards the window in con- 
 firmation of her remark, where a smoky canary 
 of irregular plumage was disporting in the sun- 
 beam, and very industriously trying to extract 
 nourishment from a knot of wire in his cage, 
 in lieu of a bit of lump-sugar. 
 
 " I was n't complaining of the weather," said 
 Mrs. Chicksand. " I meant it had been a bad 
 time for my lodgings." 
 
 " I am sorry to hear that, Mrs. Chicksand," 
 observed Clara. " Were the rooms empty, then .?" 
 
 " Oh, my rooms are always full, thank good- 
 ness. Always," responded Mrs. Chicksand, 
 with a firmness of asseveration calculated en- 
 tirely to scare anybody from daring to think 
 to the contrary, and intended to assure her 
 tenants that they were there located as an 
 especial favour, by a lucky chance that did not 
 happen often, and one which they could not 
 possibly appreciate sufficiently.
 
 110 THE FORTUNES OF 
 
 " I never knew them empty above a week," 
 continued Mrs. Chicksand, as if she had been 
 upon her oath before the Lord Mayor, or any 
 other sitting magistrate. And then, finding 
 no response to her affirmation, she went on : 
 
 " But the lodgers have all been the wrong 
 sort — they did no good for the house — too 
 much in the chop and poultry way. They 
 harricoed all that was left the next day, or 
 briled the legs for breakfast. Give me a joint : 
 that's what I say." 
 
 " But it does not suit everybody to have 
 joints always,*" said Clara, as she quietly con- 
 tinued her employment. 
 
 "There it is, Miss," answered Mrs. Chick- 
 sand ; *' but, then, how are the housekeepers 
 to live ? As I said to Mrs. Walton, next 
 door, what a ' let ' she made with them Pullens 
 — five months, and they never had anything 
 up twice." 
 
 " That was very fortunate for Mrs. Walton, 
 of course," said Clara. 
 
 " Fortunate, indeed. Miss," replied the land- 
 lady ; "a heavenly blessing .' I never get
 
 THE SCATTERGOOD FAMILY. Ill 
 
 such catches. Our second floor 's all very well ; 
 but Mr. Bodle's the stingiest person I ever 
 knew. He has a rabbit for dinner, and eats it 
 all ; and then buys baked potatoes in the street, 
 and brings them home for supper in his pocket." 
 " Perhaps Mr. Bodle likes them," said Clara 
 mildly. 
 
 " He may, but I don't,'" said Mrs. Chick- 
 sand. " And then he won't dine when Mr. 
 Snarry does, and the fire has to be kept in, 
 on purpose to cook his minikins." 
 
 The fire appeared so accustomed to be kept 
 in, and in remarkably small limits too, that 
 this could scarcely be considered as an evil, 
 upon reflection. 
 
 " I should be much obliged to you for a 
 larger basin, Mrs. Chicksand," said Clara, wish- 
 ing to turn the subject. 
 
 " Yes, Miss, certainly ; but I must get it 
 myself, for Lisbeth 's at the top of the house. 
 Oh, she 's the artfullest hussy, she is. The 
 time she takes making the beds in the front 
 rooms, and never hears the door, you wouldn't 
 credit : always gaping at the — "
 
 112 THE FORTUNES OF 
 
 The conclusion of the speech died away in 
 the echoes of the back kitchen ; but the hostess 
 returned ahiiost immediately, inquiring, 
 
 " What 's Master Frederick expected to take 
 with him, Miss ? " 
 
 '^ He must have a fork and spoon, I believe," 
 replied Clara, " and half-a-dozen towels." 
 
 " Umph ! a pretty thing, indeed. To be 
 left behind him, I presume," said Mrs. Chick- 
 sand, with indignation. " Suppose I made a 
 rule for each of my floors to bring six pairs 
 df boots and a coal-scoop, on the some terms, — 
 why, I should get nobody." 
 
 Clara thought it more than probable. 
 
 " I never submitted to the imposition but 
 once, when my Anna Maria went to a cere- 
 mony for young ladies at Balham Hill," con- 
 tinued Mrs. Chicksand. " Take my advice, 
 Miss, and tell your mamma to send the per- 
 fect substitute for plate. / should." 
 
 " I am afraid that would not do," said Clara. 
 
 " Oh, it 's a fine thing," answered the land- 
 lady, " better than Sheflield goods. You wear 
 the silver away from them in a very short
 
 THE SCATTERGOOD FAMILY. 113 
 
 time ; but you may rub the substitute for ever 
 before you get the silver oiF that.*" 
 
 And Mrs. Chicksand attacked a small collar 
 somewhat savagely with a flat-iron, to give 
 weight to her opinions. 
 
 The last thing established was the great 
 treasure of all schoolboys — the box -^ not the 
 black trunk, with the initials of the owner in 
 brass nails on the top, together with the rusty 
 heads of tacks left behind, when former di- 
 rections had been torn away, for the clothes ; 
 nor the hair-covered ark with the literary 
 lining, dotted over with black barley-corns, for 
 books and supplementaries ; but the box, par 
 excellence — the plain deal cabinet, with the iron- 
 bound corners, japanned lock, and plebeian 
 key. And wonderful were its stores ; to pass 
 over the mighty cake which half-filled it, and 
 the pot of jam wedged down upon its new 
 spongy bulk, like a watch-tower on a castle- 
 keep, as things which would be there of course. 
 There was an invalid accordion, with a few 
 notes suffering from croup, a present from Mr. 
 Bodle ; and two mystic conjuring tricks, where-
 
 114 THE FORTUNES OF 
 
 by a piece of whip- cord could be drawn through 
 a friend''s nose, and a bad sixpence made to 
 appear as though it had melted into dross. 
 The Lothairs and Grindoffs of departed thea- 
 tres were also included, pasted upon cards of 
 the Infant Orphan Asylum, and weak in the 
 ankles ; and there was a box of dominoes, a 
 ball of string, a remarkable collection of seals 
 taken from letters, stored in a tin box with 
 a half-sovereign soldered on to the lid, and a 
 three-bladed knife of the best cast-iron. And, 
 lastly, there was a little red purse, also the 
 product of Clara's industry, through the meshes 
 of which pieces of new money glittered with 
 gratifying brightness ; not a great sum, to be 
 sure, but as much as could be afforded, and a 
 perfect fortune to Freddy, increased when his 
 sister quietly added half-a-crown to the contents 
 from her own small allowance, without saying 
 a word to anybody. 
 
 At length the day arrived upon which the 
 young pupil was to make his debut at the 
 public school. A large cab was brought to 
 the door in the afternoon by Lisbeth, who rode
 
 THE SCATTERGOOD FAMILY. 115 
 
 in it ^11 the way from the stand, to her great 
 gratification ; and, when part of the luggage 
 had been put inside, and part on the box, 
 Mrs. Scattergood and the little fellow enter- 
 ed. Frederick was rather downcast. It was 
 the first time he had ever been from home ; 
 and, in spite of all the received afiirmations 
 that the schoolboy'*s is the happiest scene of 
 life, there are few trials which await us in 
 after periods sharper than that parting, — in 
 comparison with our ignorance of trouble, and 
 inability to bear it, none. The promise of 
 Clara that she would write to him the next 
 day somewhat cheered him ; more so than his 
 father's assertion, that Easter would come be- 
 fore he could turn round, which he imme- 
 diately and practically refuted. But he did 
 not wish Mrs. Chicksand, who waited on the 
 steps, to see that he had been crying; so, 
 as the glass was pulled up, he nodded to her 
 with a smiling face, and then to Clara, who 
 was at the window. The sunshine was, how- 
 ever, very transient, — an April gleam followed 
 by a shower. And then he remained quiet.
 
 116 THE FORTUNES OF 
 
 with his hand within his mother'Sj until they 
 arrived at their destination, when he again 
 mustered up a little expression of cheerfulness. 
 
 The house of the Reverend Mr. Snap was 
 not calculated to enliven anybody whose feel- 
 ings inclined to despondency. It was situated 
 at the extreme end of a dreary court in the 
 vicinity of the school — a cul de sac so nar- 
 row that the sun's rays never fell upon the 
 melancholy blue flags that paved it, nor, in- 
 deed, anywhere else, except by reflection from 
 the top windows of the opposite houses. It 
 was approached by a gloomy archway, and 
 guarded by an attenuated iron gate, that swung 
 to with a dismal clang after anybody invaded 
 its solemn precincts, echoing up the yard, and 
 announcing the approach of the bold visitor. It 
 held out too little promise even, to allure organs 
 or broom-girls into its gloom ; and if they had 
 come, the chances are that the stern, cold faces 
 carved on the key-stones over the doors would 
 have frightened them away again. Nor did 
 the boys venture inside the gate to play at 
 pitch-farthing, or three holes; the sound of
 
 THE SCATTERGOOD FAMILY. 117 
 
 their own voices frightened them in the dead 
 repose. And so the chief excitement that 
 could be calculated upon by the inhabitants 
 with any certainty was the advent of the milk. 
 A wet Good Friday at Hampstead would have 
 been a scene of wild and delirious gaiety com- 
 pared to the dejected aspect of College Court. 
 Some secluded localities are spoken of as sleepy- 
 looking places : but this had the stark, gloomy 
 quietude of death. 
 
 Mrs. Scattergood and Fred alighted, and 
 entered the house. There was a short inter- 
 view with Mr. Snap in his study, in which 
 he spoke much of the judicious selection made 
 by the family in choosing so excellent a school 
 for their son. And then, when the servant 
 and the coachman had brought up the boxes, 
 and deposited them in the passage in the best 
 possible position they could select for every- 
 body to tumble over them who passed either 
 way, Mrs. Scattergood rose to take her leave. 
 Mr. Snap accompanied her to the door, al- 
 though Frederick would rather have gone with 
 her alone, for he wished to tell her once more,
 
 118 THE FORTUNES OF 
 
 without Mr. Snap hearing it, to be sure and 
 write to him, for fear she should forget to do 
 so, as she had only been requested fifty times 
 that morning to bear it in mind, and to come 
 and see him soon ; and ask him home before 
 long ; and not to touch his theatre, which was 
 too large to bring with him, whilst he was 
 away, but to leave everything just as he had 
 seen it last ; and to give his love to Clara and 
 his father, and be sure and tell Clara to write 
 too. All these requests were made in the 
 short journey from the study to the street- 
 door, in a very hurried and tremulous little 
 voice, and most urgently impressed upon Mrs. 
 Scattergood's attention. The reverend gentle- 
 man condescended to open the door himself, 
 finding that the servant, for whom he rang 
 when his visitor was about to depart, did not 
 pay any attention to the summons — a circum- 
 stance which often happens in many other es- 
 tablishments besides Mr. Snap's, where a mo- 
 ment's reflection would prove how impractica- 
 ble it was, now that magic has left the earth, 
 for the man who was cleaning knives in his
 
 THE SCATTERGOOD FAMILY. 119 
 
 shirt-sleeves and canvas apron, in some secret 
 excavation far below the level of high water 
 in the area-butt, to appear as soon as he heard 
 the bell, — a slave to the ring, — in the perfect 
 costume of his class, spotless and trim as though 
 he were kept for nothing else but the especial 
 service of morning visitors. 
 
 Frederick was a long time saying good-bye 
 to his mother. No one would have believed 
 those two simple words could have been made 
 to occupy so many seconds in their delivery. 
 He held her hand as though he never wished 
 to let it go from his grasp ; and it was not 
 until she had kissed him again and again, and 
 whispered to him to sustain his character of 
 being a man before Mr. Snap, that he allowed 
 her to depart. And even then he would have 
 run after her when she was half-way down the 
 court, to have repeated his farewell, had not 
 Mr. Snap drawn him back, and closed the 
 door. Mrs. Scattergood, who had not ven- 
 tured to look back, heard its sound ; it would 
 be difficult to tell which heart sank most at the 
 noise of its shutting-to, the mother's or her boy's.
 
 120 THE FORTUNES OF 
 
 The four other boarders, who lived with Mr. 
 Snap, were at afternoon-school, so Frederick was 
 shown into the room appropriated to them, and 
 there left to himself. It was a large, bare, 
 dreary place, with only four moveables of any 
 kind in it, by way of furniture ; and these were 
 a long deal table, hacked all over with initials 
 and names, two forms, and the fender. To 
 make the room better adapted to the purposes 
 of study, from the lack of external objects to 
 distract the attention, the lower halves of the 
 windows were painted white ; or rather they 
 had been once, but now they were turning to a 
 neutral dirt tint, relieved by various arabesques, 
 stencilled with the finger-nail on their surface, 
 according to the taste of the designer. This 
 appeared usually to be in the vein of imaginative 
 satire, and was principally directed against 
 Mr. Snap, who was more than once delineated in 
 outline as suffering death by hanging, in great 
 bodily agony, and from a gallows fashioned 
 after the one into whose noose Punch prevails 
 upon the jocose turnkey to put his head, in the 
 laudable desire of promoting knowledge by prac- 
 tical demonstration.
 
 THE SCATTERGOOD FAMILY. 121 
 
 The little boy drew his box, which had been 
 taken into the room, towards the fire-place, and 
 sat down upon it. There was no poker to stir 
 the fire into a little more cheerful aspect ; and 
 so he contented himself with watching the 
 cinders, as they formed burning caverns and 
 precipices, suddenly tumbling into other forms, 
 through all of which he saw the faces of his 
 mother and sister in every direction. Then he 
 thought how happy he should be if the door 
 opened, and they came unexpectedly to see 
 him, or Clara appeared out of the wall, like the 
 fairy ladies who always befriended youngest 
 sons. How odd it was that he never cared 
 much about talking to her at home ! And now 
 he would have given all the contents of his 
 box to have seen her, if only for one minute ; 
 nay, Mrs. Chicksand and Lisbeth would have 
 been welcome visitors, although he had only 
 left them two hours. 
 
 The time passed on, and nobody came near 
 him. When the cinders failed to interest him, 
 he walked to the window ; but the court 
 looked so dreary, and the grim carved head 
 
 VOL. I. G
 
 V^2 THE FORTUNES OF 
 
 over the front-door, which was at right-angles 
 with the window, so stern and unfeeling, that 
 he took possession once more of his box. 
 Then it began to get dark ; the shadow of the 
 mantelpiece showed itself upon the ceiling ; and 
 a man came and lighted a solitary gas-lamp 
 before the door, which looked like a beacon in 
 a desert. At last his spirits broke down, and 
 he began to cry ; until finally, resting his cheek 
 against the wainscot at the side of the fire- 
 place, he went fast asleep, and dreamt he was 
 at home. 
 
 According to the venerable woodcuts which 
 form the frontispieces to Primers of the dark 
 ages, the paths of learning run through teeming 
 orchards, in which apples predominate ; and 
 pleasant pastures agreeably diversified, and 
 peopled by joyous hoop-trundlers and kite- flyers, 
 in long hair and knee-breeches. If such be the 
 case, what a pity it is that thorns and brambles 
 are allowed, apparently by design, to be planted 
 on every portion of the road, causing so much 
 inquietude to the young traveller, and making 
 him look back upon his journey, when achieved,
 
 THE SCATTERGOOD FAMILY. 1^3 
 
 with anything but pleasurable recollections, or 
 gratitude for the opportunity of accomplishing 
 it. 
 
 But possibly all this is right and proper, or 
 it would long ago have been altered. At all 
 events, the change would be last grafted on 
 those ancient and time-honoured foundations, 
 where the spirits of the gentle are crushed and 
 broken, or hardened in self-defence, by the 
 overbearing tyranny of those who should be 
 their associates ; where the worst dispositions 
 of the bully and school despot are ministered 
 unto and fostered by licensed opportunities ; 
 where every sacred feeling of home and affection 
 is jeered at and despised ; and the acquirement 
 of one or two defunct, and comparatively use- 
 less tongues, — and these alone, — so ill befits the 
 pupil for his future social career, and almost 
 brings him to envy his fellow charity scholars 
 in eleemosynary garb, the education they pick 
 up from their own institution in the adjoining 
 church alley. 
 
 G 2
 
 124 THE FORTUNES OF 
 
 CHAPTER IX. 
 
 MR. GLENALVON FOGG's DRAMA IS REHEARSED. 
 
 " Behold, how brightly breaks the morn- 
 ing !" exclaimed Mr. Fogg, dramatic author, as 
 he drew back the curtain of faded moreen that 
 hung across the window, and allowed the sun's 
 rays to fall upon a spirited portrait of the only 
 representative of the British seaman, as he ap- 
 peared when he apostrophized his dear eyes, 
 and made six land-sharks belay who were 
 insulting an unprotected woman. 
 
 " Finer than I expected from the fog on the 
 river as I crossed the bridge last night,"' an- 
 swered Vincent. "■ 1 wonder how the sun can 
 find his way into this place, amongst all those 
 chimney-pots." 
 
 '* The sun that would not shine as brightly
 
 THE SCATTERGOOD FAMILY. 125 
 
 into the humble roof of the industrious artisan 
 as into the gilded halls of the monarch, is 
 unworthy the name of a man, and — no, 1 
 don't mean that. How have you passed the 
 night ?'' inquired the author. 
 
 " Oh, very well, I beheve," said Vincent 
 unconcernedly, as a matter of course. 
 
 " So have I," continued Mr. Fogg. " I had 
 a vision that I was dwelling in marble halls.'"* 
 
 " You must have found them very cold at 
 this time of the year," replied his companion. 
 
 Mr. Fogg deigned not to reply to this re- 
 mark, but .proceeded to despatch his breakfast ; 
 which he did with the customary appetite at- 
 tendant upon genius. 
 
 The " run " of the pantomime had finished, 
 and, in consequence, the engagement of Vincent 
 as a supernumerary had come to a termination 
 with it ; but he still remained with his patron, 
 for Mr. Fogg found him of great service. His 
 knowledge of nautical affairs suggested to the 
 author many startling situations for ends of 
 acts ; he also enabled Mr. Fogg to bring them 
 about properly ; and as the small sum he had
 
 1^6 THE FORTUNES OF 
 
 brought to town with him, together with part 
 of his salary, was not quite exhausted, he did 
 not put his host to any extra expense for 
 maintenance. Besides, Mr. Fogg had sha- 
 dowed forth dim probabihties of procuring him 
 other employment, in a literary point of view, 
 before many more days had passed. 
 
 Mr. Fogg, by virtue of his calling, was ever 
 on the hunt for character, and he studied Vin- 
 cent's closely ; but it was too unsettled to turn 
 to any dramatic account. Young Scattergood 
 seldom spoke of his family, scarcely ever of his 
 wish to know where they were located, or to see 
 them ; and this betrayed something of a heart- 
 less disposition. Yet, occasionally, touches of 
 a better nature would gleam forth, which were 
 evidences of many good points in his temper 
 of mind, warped, perhaps, and blunted by the 
 manner in which he had been brought up. 
 He was generous, certainly. He did not ap- 
 pear anxious at any time to annoy others, or 
 give pain ; and in many instances he had ex- 
 hibited a nice sense of honour. And yet, with 
 all this his idle recklessness and careless apathy
 
 THE SCATTERGOOD FAMILY. 127 
 
 as to what he was doing, or what became of 
 him, so long as he just supported himself, was 
 likely, favoured by circumstances, to lead him 
 into evils far greater than would have been 
 likely to accrue from a negative condition of 
 his honour or good feeling. 
 
 It was the morn of an important day, big 
 with the destinies of Glenalvon Fogg. The 
 production of his drama had been delayed 
 some little time beyond his expectations, in 
 consequence of the performances continuing 
 to prove sufficiently attractive without being 
 changed : but now the treasury of the theatre 
 gave forth an account each night less than the 
 preceding one, and " continued novelty ^ was 
 decided upon by the management. And so 
 the last rehearsal was called, and the first 
 representation announced for that evening. 
 
 It was a marvellous production, this new 
 drama of Mr. Fogg's. The heroine, who had 
 a good part, called it '' a stupendous piece." 
 The supernumeraries, possibly looking only to 
 the manner in which its wonderful action and 
 situations perfectly obliterated all the cerebral
 
 128 THE FORTUNES OF 
 
 functions of conjecture, simply christened it 
 " a stunner."" 
 
 The drama was called " The Lee Shore of 
 Life ; or, the Main Truck of Happiness ;'" and 
 was pronounced very effective, and " safe to 
 go." The plot could not be very easily ex- 
 plained. In fact, it was modelled upon the 
 same school as the railway to the antipodes 
 formerly projected, which, to obviate the dis- 
 comfort of the passengers coming out feet fore- 
 most at the other side of the world, was to 
 hurry them so that they were not to have the 
 shghtest idea whether they were upon their 
 heads or their heels. So, in the present case, 
 intense interest, and appalling situations, fol- 
 lowed each other with such rapidity, that no- 
 body had time to inquire what they were 
 about, or what end they were to answer ; 
 which construction the experience of the pre- 
 sent day proves to be an excellent plan to go 
 upon, either in dramatic or general literature. 
 
 Amongst the characters of the piece, the 
 father, Michael Cottage, " a reduced hay- 
 maker, and one of Nature's aristocracy," had
 
 THE SCATTERGOOD FAMILY. 129 
 
 several beautiful passages to deliver ; especially 
 where he called his employer " the proud lord, 
 who trampled on that soil which the English 
 peasant loved to cherish.'' And when this 
 proud lord endeavoured to undermine the af- 
 fections of Rose Cottage, who was too virtuous 
 to go wrong in the slightest degree, being also 
 in love with Tom Ratline, the nautical hero 
 of the piece, the honest agricultural indignation 
 of the father was absolutely terrific, as he spoke 
 of " the furrows on his cheeks, the harrow at 
 his heart, the noble but profligate rake, plough- 
 ing up his bosom, and sowing the seeds of 
 misery in a happy home, a contented, though 
 an 'umble one." Then, by the vile contriv- 
 ances of the proud lord, the true lover had 
 to go to sea, and at the close the act informed 
 the audience " that blue-peter was flying at 
 the fore,"" and was pushed off in a boat upon 
 wheels, waving his hat, and hoping that some 
 friendly ball might lay him low. 
 
 In the second act, Tom Ratline was stated 
 by the bills of the day to be '«' on the blue 
 
 waters" somewhere a great way off, whereby, 
 
 G 5
 
 130 THE FORTUNES OF 
 
 as none of the audience knew anything about 
 the manners and customs of the localities, more 
 freedom was given to the fancies of the drama- 
 tist. And here he fought natives, and captured 
 buccaneers, and took pirates' strongholds with- 
 out end ; at the same time shivering his tim- 
 bers so very often that it was a marvel any- 
 thing beyond splinters of them, wherever they 
 were, ultimately remained. 
 
 In the third act, he returned home with a 
 large purse and a small bundle ; and providen- 
 tially arrived the identical night upon which the 
 proud lord had paid a smuggler, Dark Some- 
 body, to carry off Rose Cottage. This led 
 to an awful combat between the smuggler and 
 the sailor, ending in the death of the former, 
 who let out the secret that Tom was heir to 
 the proud lord's estate, having been stolen by 
 him when an infant ; and then he saw un- 
 pleasant fiends, who came to bear him off to 
 eternal torments. Rose, who remained con- 
 stant, gave her hand where she could give 
 her heart ; the proud lord left the neighbour- 
 hood in disgust ; and the piece concluded with
 
 THE SCATTERGOOD FAMILY. 131 
 
 the reward of virtue, and the information pub- 
 licly conveyed to the audience, " that although 
 vice may flourish for a time, yet the true tar 
 nails the union-jack to his figure-head, and 
 clasps the lass that loves a sailor to his heart 
 of oak." 
 
 There was, also, a comic cobbler in the piece, 
 with his sweetheart, Peggy Buttercup, who 
 got perpetually jealous. And a murder was 
 introduced in the third act, where the interest 
 was felt to flag ; but this last affair was more 
 an episode than part of the plot, except in the 
 great risk which Tom ran of being taken up 
 as the assassin. 
 
 Vincent accompanied Mr. Fogg to the thea- 
 tre, as well from having nothing to do, as in 
 the hope of procuring something. The call 
 of the prompter, which summoned " all the 
 ladies and gents '" at half-past ten, had been at- 
 tended to, and the members of the corps were 
 standing about the stage in groups, shawled 
 and coated, and all looking very cold. A table 
 and chair were placed at one edge of the scene, 
 together with a pen and ink, or rather mys-
 
 132 THE FORTUNES OF 
 
 terious articles used by the prompter, bearing 
 a slight resemblance thereunto. The leader 
 was shivering in the middle of the orchestra, 
 exactly in his own light, which streamed in 
 one long dusty ray from the back of the gallery 
 over the sweepers, who were clearing away the 
 orange-peel ; and, violin in hand, was arrang- 
 ing what he termed the " meloses,"' — the little 
 bits of incidental music to come in when any- 
 thing interesting took place. As the play was 
 to be produced that night, of course none of 
 the scenery was finished ; so the stage was 
 fitted up with half a drawing-room flat, and 
 half a smuggler's haunt, with a ship's bulwark 
 and cannons running across the front, and a 
 grassy bank at the prompt entrance, which 
 looked very like a portable bath in a green 
 petticoat. 
 
 Mr. Potter, the stage-manager, was standing 
 with his back to the foot-lamps, talking to 
 everybody at once, now shouting up into the 
 flies, now bawling down to the men under the 
 stage, next rowing the leader, then directing 
 the tableaux, and every spare moment hurry-
 
 THE SCATTERGOOD FAMILY. 133 
 
 ing Mr. Traps, the property-man, who kept 
 appearing with wonderful articles to be used 
 in the piece, of every description, apparently 
 made from old bandboxes painted over. 
 
 " Good morning, Mr. Fogg,"" said Mr. Pot- 
 ter hurriedly, as the author entered ; "we are 
 trying that ' set ' in the second act once more. 
 Now then," he continued, clapping his hands 
 as a signal, " back to your places. Mr. Poddy, 
 come lower down ; they are all in a heap. 
 Mr. Jones, more to the right, — a little more 
 still — not so much — that will do. Recollect 
 you are on the look-out for the schooner. 
 Harris, Croby, F. Croby, and Smith, be ready 
 with the shaking-sea behind the second en- 
 trance as soon as the scene opens. No, wo, 
 NO ! What the devil are you there for, Mr. 
 Howard ? You must not be discovered until 
 the boarders enter. Now, Mr. Dilk, if you 
 please. What's the cue, Mr. Groove?" 
 
 '* A rough night of it," answered the 
 prompter. 
 
 Mr. Dilk put his hands into the pocket of 
 his wrapper, and leaning indolently against part
 
 1S4> THE FORTUNES OF 
 
 of the proscenium, exclaimed in a careless, hur- 
 ried manner, with great nonchalance^ and with 
 an utter disregard of any stops or emphasis, 
 
 '' She walks the waters like a blazing cloud. 
 Ha ! a flash ! damnation ! our bowsprit 's fly- 
 ing in the breeze ! up with the black flag ; 
 run out the guns ! Brandon, Maltravers, Wil- 
 son, to your posts, and fight like tigers ! death 
 or victory !" 
 
 " Report of a gun, I think, Mr. Groove, after 
 ' blazing cloud,' " observed Mr. Fogg. 
 
 " Quite right, sir,*" returned the prompter, 
 making a note of the occurrence, to be executed 
 at night upon the fine sheep-skin ordnance, like 
 a Brobdignagian tambourine, which hung over 
 his box. 
 
 '• Silence, ladies, if you please," exclaimed 
 Mr. Potter; "if you would only talk half as 
 loud when you are wanted to, as you do now, 
 it would be much better for everybody." 
 
 *' I beg your pardon," said Vincent, speak- 
 ing just as Mr. Dilk was going on again ; " but 
 is not the pirate supposed to be chased by an- 
 other vessel ? "
 
 THE SCATTERGOOD FAMILY. 135 
 
 '* Yes, sir," answered Mr. Potter sternly, as 
 much as to say, " What the devil have you to 
 do with it?" 
 
 " Well, then ; I don't very well see how 
 his bowsprit can be hurt by a gun from the 
 schooner.*" 
 
 " Where would it be, then, sir ?" asked Mr. 
 Potter, perfectly astonished at a supernumerary 
 giving so cool an opinion. "I believe Mr. 
 Fogg knows a little of nautical business ; per- 
 haps you can teach him still better. Pray, 
 where would it be, I ask again .?" 
 
 '' Where you would most probably be 
 wounded when you went into action," answer- 
 ed Vincent, with a little sarcasm, at which 
 "all the ladies and gents" tittered, and the 
 prompter tried to mend his pen with a chisel, 
 that was lying amongst some carpenter's tools 
 at his side. 
 
 " Mr. Scattergood is not far from the mark," 
 observed Mr. Fogg. 
 
 " What do you mean, sir .?" said Mr. Potter, 
 very angry ; and, although surprised at the 
 freedom of a super, was still more astonished
 
 136 THE FORTUNES OF 
 
 to hear such a person as an author speaking 
 his mind in a theatre. 
 
 " I did not allude to yourself, Mr. Potter," 
 replied Mr. Fogg, with humility. " But, of 
 course, the gun would not hit the prow ; be 
 good enough to substitute stern for bowsprit, 
 Mr. Dilk," 
 
 " TafFrail 's better," remarked Vincent, 
 shortly. 
 
 " TafFrail 's a good word," continued Mr. 
 
 Fogg ; " mark that down, if you please, Mr. 
 
 Groove. ' Her tafFrail 's flying in the breeze.'" 
 
 " Who runs the schooner on to the pirate ? " 
 
 asked the stage-manager. 
 
 " I do, sir," said a diminutive scene-shifter, 
 in a paper cap. 
 
 "Go a-head, then," answered Mr. Potter; 
 " we sha'n't have finished when the doors open. 
 Hallo, there, Jackson !" and he shouted up to 
 the flies ; " send down the schooner, if Mr. 
 Brush has finished it." 
 
 "Look out below!" said a voice in return, 
 as a profile ship, or rather the bows of one. 
 was slung down from the clouds, and taken to 
 its place.
 
 THE SCATTERGOOD FAMILY. 137 
 
 Mr. Fokesel, the delineator of the British 
 tar, now leaped down from the schooner on to 
 the deck of the pirate, and commanded Mr. 
 Dilk to avast. He was habited in a white 
 coat of by-gone fashion, with a little cape, and 
 did not look much like a sailor, in his private 
 dress. 
 
 Mr. Dilk, who did not seem at all inclined 
 to avast, although ordered to do so with great 
 force, answered in the same quiet and uncon- 
 cerned manner : — 
 
 " Never ! the child of ocean loves the 
 dark-blue waters; dare to advance another 
 step, and a trusty comrade fires the magazine, 
 and blows us altogether to perdition." 
 
 " Surrender !" said Mr. Fokesel, in mild 
 tones, almost confidential. 
 
 " Never ! " replied Mr. Dilk, with the same 
 sangfroid., as he quietly took his hands out of 
 his pockets, and walked towards Mr. Fokesel. 
 
 " Never,'' uttered with great emphasis, is 
 generally the signal for a combat, especially 
 when it follows such phrases as '* Villain ! re- 
 lease that lady!" — "Let go your hold, I toll
 
 1^8 THE FORTUNES OF 
 
 you!" — ^' Yield, miscreant!" or any other 
 energetic command that the other party does 
 not see the urgent necessity of complying with. 
 A combat was therefore now coming on, and 
 Messrs. Dilk and Fokesel commenced rehears- 
 ing it. 
 
 It was not, however, very dreadful to look 
 at, although it was to come out uncommonly 
 strong at night. Both the gentlemen had 
 walking-sticks — the majority of actors at minor 
 theatres incline to them, and affect their use, 
 — and these supplied the place of other wea- 
 pons. Mr. Dilk put his left hand back again 
 into his pocket, as it was rather cold, and then 
 began to fight. 
 
 " Now, then, Fokesel," he exclaimed, as 
 they crossed their sticks very quietly, as though 
 they vv^ere fearful of injuring them. " One 
 — two — three — under : one — two — three — 
 over : that 's it. Go on, and now come over 
 here." 
 
 " Robber's cut, I think, here," replied the 
 other, counting up to twelve, " Now — primes 
 — that's it — sixes."
 
 -i^-^^
 
 w 
 
 Iwr
 
 THE SCATTERGOOD FAMILY. 139 
 
 "Guarded thrusts all across the stage, and 
 back. We had better try it over again to 
 the music." 
 
 The leader took his violin, and the fearful 
 struggle was repeated to the ennobling solo, 
 in the same subdued and gentlemanly manner. 
 When finished, it was pronounced likely to 
 prove very effective, in which opinion the au- 
 thor and the combatants so exactly coincided, 
 that they partook of a hard biscuit and a glass 
 of bran dy-and- water together, to evince their 
 mutual satisfaction. 
 
 " Now we want somebody to hang from the 
 rope, and be shot down by Mr. Dilk." 
 
 " I can do that," said Mr. Dilk eagerly. 
 
 " No ; you have your celebrated fall in the 
 third act," said^ Mr. Fogg. " Besides, how 
 can you shoot yourself down ? I think Mr. 
 Scattergood is the man to do it. Can you 
 hang, my friend ? " 
 
 " I can hang to anything," said Vincent. 
 
 " I have no doubt you can," observed Mr. 
 Potter (who had not forgotten the sarcasm) 
 with great meaning, looking at the prompter.
 
 140 THE FORTUNES OF 
 
 as much as to say, " I think I had him there 
 — rather." 
 
 Nevertheless, Vincent was very valuable 
 upon the present emergency, and he was forth- 
 with engaged again on the instant. And then 
 he proceeded to rehearse the business of the sit- 
 uation, and led the boarders from the schooner, 
 which was done by getting up a pair of steps 
 behind it, and leaping down in front. 
 
 The boarders were a remarkably curious 
 band. From their general physiognomy, they 
 might have been considered half-boarders ; and, 
 as they now came down one after another, 
 there certainly was not much in their appear- 
 ance calculated to appal the pirate ; for they 
 were men of mild deportment, arrayed in 
 modest costume : the dark Berlin gloves with 
 the ventilating fingers, and ill-conditioned wrap- 
 per, that had seen much worldly buffeting and 
 trouble, as well as days gone by, pronounced 
 .superior to the present, were theirs. Theirs, 
 in social life, was the go of gin and mystic 
 screw, whose deep enigma they alone could 
 solve ; to them did the wardrobe adjudge its
 
 THE SCATTERGOOD FAMILY. 141 
 
 oldest russet-boots and strangest- waist ed tunics 
 for their histrionic existence ; for their refresh- 
 ment, in particular, were the gilded claret-jugs 
 and papier machee apples provided at the ban- 
 quets ; for on apples and gilded claret-jugs 
 alone do stage-guests at mighty festivals revel 
 and make merry. 
 
 At last, after four or five hours' waiting- 
 about on the cold stage, repeating, altering, 
 cutting, and interpolating — knocking up " car- 
 penter's scenes,"" where there was scarcely time 
 to arrange everything behind for the change, — 
 making sure that the raging billows were in 
 good order, — grouping the grand situations,— 
 sinking the ship to Davy Jones's locker, which 
 was the dry, well-lighted under-floor of the 
 stage ; after all this, the rehearsal came to a 
 conclusion, and the different performers were 
 agreed to be as tolerably perfect as is usual 
 upon the average of first representations. 
 
 It was Monday evening, sacred to the pits 
 and galleries of transpontine theatres. Mr. 
 Fogg, as he left the house with Vincent, ob- 
 served that knots of holiday-makers were al-
 
 142 THE FORTUNES OF 
 
 ready collecting round the doors, to wait for 
 front places attendant upon their patience. He 
 scanned their faces with a critical eye ; for 
 upon their verdict did the fate of his drama 
 depend. They looked good-tempered, and he 
 rejoiced. 
 
 " A month's run as a first piece, and a fort- 
 night at half-price," said Mr. Fogg, " would 
 benefit both my reputation and my coffers. At 
 present, my purse is trash." 
 
 " I have also got an interest in its success, 
 now I am engaged again," returned Vincent, 
 as he accompanied his patron towards a modest 
 eating-house ; for they had not time to go 
 home. 
 
 " The dilemma was fortunate for you," said 
 
 the author ; " but I am sorry you upset Mr. 
 
 Potter. You may be certain he will get rid 
 
 of you as soon as he can do so, plausibly. 
 
 What shall you do then ? " 
 
 " Trust to chance," repHed Vincent. " At 
 
 present I am Fortune's shuttlecock."
 
 THE SCATTERGOOD FAMILY. 143 
 
 CHAPTER X. 
 
 THE FIRST DAY AT MERCHANT TAILORS'. 
 
 Frederick slumbered away his sorrows, 
 until his three or four fellow-pupils returned 
 from school ; and then he was aroused some- 
 what suddenly by a volley of caps discharged 
 simultaneously at his head. He started up, 
 and was greeted by a loud laugh from his 
 future companions. 
 
 "How do you do, sir?" said one of them, 
 with much politeness, making a low bow. 
 " I 'm afraid we have disturbed you."" 
 
 "Who are you?" asked the second; "the 
 new fellow that Snap expected ? " 
 
 " Frederick Scattergood," returned the pupil, 
 much alarmed. 
 
 " My Jove ! won't you find him a trimmer, 
 that 's all ?" continued the other.
 
 144 THE FORTUNES OF 
 
 " You '11 take cold, my man," said the big- 
 gest of the party, picking up an old hat, and 
 putting it on Freddy's head. " What a nice 
 little boy ! " he continued, giving it a thump 
 on the crown, and knocking it down over his 
 eyes. 
 
 "Oh I leave him alone, Gogsley,'"* cried the 
 first speaker, with aiFected commiseration. 
 " He 's a little mammy-sick at present. You 
 want to go home, love, don't you, to dear 
 mamma?" he continued, pulling the hat from 
 his eyes, and kicking it across the room. 
 
 " Hold up your head like a man," cried 
 Gogsley, seizing hold of Frederick's hair, and 
 pulling him back by it, as though he would 
 have torn out a handful. " Let 's see what 
 you're like." 
 
 " You hurt me very much," cried Frederick, 
 under the torture. *' Please, sir, leave go my 
 hair." 
 
 " What will you give me to let go, then ? " 
 said his tormentor. 
 
 "Anything you like, sir, that's in my box>" 
 replied the little fellow, very meekly.
 
 i
 
 THE SCATTERGOOD FAMILY. 145 
 
 "And where is your box ?'" 
 
 " I 'm sitting on it," was the answer. 
 
 *' Well, get off it, then," exclaimed Gogsley, 
 pushing him off upon the ground. " Now, you 
 fellows, cribby first choose, and feign smug- 
 gings." 
 
 They Hfted the box on to the table, and 
 then made Frederick, who was beginning to 
 cry very piteously, open the lock. The first 
 thing they saw was the accordion, which Mr. 
 Bodle had given him, and which Gogsley di- 
 rectly seized on, holding up at arms' length, 
 and shouting out, 
 
 *' Ego r'' cried the other three all at once. 
 
 " Yours, Plunkett,'' he exclaimed, handing 
 it over to a genteel-looking youth, in broad 
 lay- down collars, who directly commenced a 
 very rapid fantasia upon it, introducing no 
 particular air, which terminated in putting se- 
 veral of the notes entirely hors de combat. 
 
 The cake was the next object of attraction, 
 with its fortress of jam on the top. Gogsley 
 thrust his finger through the paper covering, 
 
 VOL. I. H
 
 H6 THE FORTUNES OF 
 
 and, when he had discovered what it was, 
 appropriated it to himself, by carrying it to 
 his locker; whilst another boy, named Mars- 
 ton, pulled out the cake, and tossed it up to 
 the ceihng, catching it like a ball as it de- 
 scended. 
 
 ' " Who made this cake ? Is it good ?'' asked 
 Marston. 
 
 " Clara — she ^s my sister,"" returned Frede- 
 rick. 
 
 This reply immediately gave rise to a series 
 of questions from all the others as to how old 
 Clara was, what she was like, if she was pretty, 
 what colour her eyes were, when she would 
 call to see him, and which of them he thought 
 she would fall in love with ; all which inquiries 
 Frederick answered to the best of his ability, 
 consistent with his endeavours to avoid giving 
 offence to any of them. 
 
 At six o"'clock five large cups of a very re- 
 . markable infusion, humorously called tea, the 
 first pleasantry that any one of a jocular dis- 
 position would have detected in the proceed- 
 ings of the establishment, were brought up for
 
 THE SCATTERGOOD FAMILY. 147 
 
 their refection. The scholars were provided 
 with tea, to impress them with a proper notion 
 of the importance of the noble institution they 
 were members of, as contra-distinguished to 
 the plebeian milk and water of common aca- 
 demies. There were also some substantial slices 
 of bread, with thin veneers of butter on their 
 surface, which were mainly instrumental in the 
 disappearance of Frederick's jam, of which he 
 never partook ; for his spirits were too low and 
 broken to allow him to eat. 
 
 As soon as this meal had finished, the others 
 took very little more notice of him, but left 
 him sitting by the fire, whilst they began their 
 exercises for the following day ; varying their 
 studies by incidental combats relative to the 
 proximity of the candle, which Gogsley in- 
 sisted upon having close to himself. For Gogs- 
 ley had an imposition, — an hundred lines of the 
 first ^neid to transcribe, — which he informed 
 Freddy would be his especial task in future, 
 but that at present he was too great a fool to 
 undertake it. 
 
 All this went on with little variation until 
 
 H 2
 
 148 THE FORTUNES OF 
 
 about half past eight, when they were told it 
 was time to go to rest. Frederick found that 
 he was to share his bed with Plunkett, which 
 somewhat comforted him, as he was more quiet 
 and civil in his manner than Gogsley ; for 
 Gogsley was, in every sense of the word, a 
 bully. He was idle, overgrown, and ignorant. 
 He delighted to inflict punishment with knotted 
 handkerchiefs and the buckle ends of straps, 
 or with his fists upon the twisted arms of his 
 victims, hectoring over all those who were too 
 mild or defenceless to resist or to attack him 
 again, and cringing, in an equal degree, to 
 those who were his superiors in brute strength 
 alone ; for in intellect nearly all surpassed him. 
 There were three cheerless beds in the attic, 
 to which the boys now ascended. Beyond 
 these, the room boasted little more furniture 
 than the one below. Freddy felt very miser- 
 able, and quite worn out ; he undressed quick- 
 ly, and was getting into bed, when Gogsley 
 told him that he must wait until the last, and 
 put out the candle. And, as that amiable 
 young gentleman did not hurry himself, the
 
 THE SCATTERGOOD FAMILY. 149 
 
 new pupil remained for a quarter of an hour 
 shivering in the cold, perched on the top of 
 his clothes-trunk at the foot of his bed, and 
 embracing his knees, in the attitude of Httle 
 boys on the bank of a river, inquiring how 
 warm the water was, whilst their trembling 
 companions, already immersed, and scarcely able 
 to speak for frigidity, gasp out, " B-b-beau- 
 tiful!'^ 
 
 " Halloo, Plunkett, you Ve caught it to-day. 
 How did you like it ? " said one of the others, 
 named Jollit, a small boy with a large head, 
 who was constantly talking of what his brother 
 Joe could do. 
 
 "What's that to you, Cashbox.?" was the 
 reply. 
 
 This sobriquet was applied to Jollit, because 
 his friends were in trade in the city. The 
 others were sons of gentlemen. 
 
 '' I don't care for that, nor as much again,'' 
 continued Plunkett, looking over his shoulder 
 at two hvid weals that sloped across it. " By 
 Jove ! wasn't Rasper in a rage ! He split his 
 cane right up."
 
 153 THE FORTUNES OF 
 
 " Would you sooner have a licking or an 
 impo' ? " asked another. 
 
 " A licking, I should think," said Plunkett ; 
 " that 's soon over ; but an impo' may keep 
 you in all the evening. There 's two hundred 
 lines knocked into two. I don't care for the 
 cane a bit."" 
 
 And he laughed as he regarded the blue 
 stripes across his back. 
 
 " You 're quite hardened to it," said Gogs- 
 ley. " Your hide 's as tough as a donkey's, 
 from constant thwacks." 
 
 " I wish mine was," said JoUit. " He hurt 
 me jolly yesterday, and made my hand bleed, 
 breaking a chilblain. Isn't that bad ?" 
 
 " Serves you right," said Gogsley. " Gentle- 
 men never have chilblains. — Now, you new 
 boy, shove out the light." 
 
 Frederick put out the candle, and got into 
 bed, contriving, after a little tearful rumination, 
 to go to sleep, even on the nine inches of space, 
 half sacking, half mattress, to which Plunkett 
 drove him. Had he been chummed upon any 
 of the others, Gogsley would have doubled
 
 THE SCATTERGOOD FAMILY. 151 
 
 them up in the bedstead, which was a turn-up 
 one ; but Plunketfs arm was rather powerful, 
 strong enough to enable him to vindicate the 
 truth of his favourite declaration, that he never 
 stood any nonsense. So the tormentor thought 
 it best not to put this piece of practical humour 
 into action upon the present occasion. 
 
 The next morning broke cold and dark. 
 The light came creeping through the windows, 
 as though some magic power had changed the 
 panes of glass to a dirty orange colour during 
 the night. Without, there was a dense city 
 fog, so thick and dismal, that the chimes of 
 the nearest church in Thames Street could 
 hardly get through it, but fought for every 
 inch of murky atmosphere, and hung upon its 
 ropy volumes as if they had been a part and 
 parcel of it. 
 
 The boys appeared to awake by common 
 consent all at the same moment, and then 
 grumblingly turned out of bed. Gogsley was 
 the last, because he waited until he had made 
 Frederick spread his counterpane upon the 
 floor for him to stand upon whilst he dressed ;
 
 152 THE FORTUNES OF 
 
 for there was not a trace of carpeting in the 
 room, not even a slip at the side of the 
 beds. 
 
 " There ""s no water again in the jugs," said 
 Plunkett. " Whose turn is it to go down 
 after some ? " 
 
 " Oh, the new fellow's, of course," said 
 Gogsley. " Now, young one, look alive, and 
 cut down to the kitchen. Take both the 
 
 jugs-" 
 
 " I don't know where to go, sir," answered 
 Fred. 
 
 " You '11 find out fast enough," replied the 
 bully ; "or, if you don't, I '11 teach you. Fol- 
 low your nose down stairs. Now — what are 
 you waiting for ? Do you want to be start- 
 ed ?" 
 
 Frederick would have said that he had no 
 slippers, and they had left their shoes down 
 stairs to be blacked ; but Gogsley began to 
 twist a towel to " flick " him with, as he 
 termed it ; so the young scholar hurried out 
 of the room, and pattered with his naked feet 
 down the cold stone stairs.
 
 THE SCATTERGOOD FAMILY. 153 
 
 It was nearly dark in the kitchen, and the 
 servants had not risen. As he timidly pushed 
 open the door, a huge cat sprang from the 
 dresser, and rushed past him, knocking down 
 a glass jug in her progress, and breaking it to 
 atoms ; and one or two dissipated black beetles, 
 who had been keeping festival all night, scuf- 
 fled off to their holes, running over his feet in 
 their anxious hurry at being caught upon the 
 loose at such an advanced hour. But the 
 dread of punishment up stairs overcame his 
 fright at these visitants, and he filled his jugs 
 at the cistern, and crept back again, cold and 
 wretched, but not sorry to escape from the 
 close mingled odour of sulphurous vapour and 
 small beer, which kitchens generally give forth 
 at these untimely periods of the morning. 
 
 The toilets did not occupy much time, and 
 in another quarter of an hour they left Mr. 
 Snap's house for the school. Fires were gleam- 
 ing down some of the areas in the court, and 
 forges on the bottom floors of the Thames- 
 street warehouses blazed ruddy and bright 
 in the cold dark morning. I Tow comfortable 
 
 II 5
 
 151' THE FORTUNES OF 
 
 the workmen looked ! How Frederick envied 
 the very servants he saw through the windows, 
 and almost wished that he was one of them. 
 
 As they plunged deep into the narrow tho- 
 roughfare, the fog appeared condensed in pro- 
 portion. The street-lamps, which w-ere still 
 burning, changed from the vivid jet of flame 
 into large, dull masses of reddish light ; and 
 the rumbling of wheels, and oaths of sable 
 coalheavers ; the lurid gleams streaming across 
 the road at various openings ; and the long 
 descending passages to places lost in gloom 
 and distance, altogether formed a very fair 
 representation of what the entrance to the in- 
 fernal regions is described to be by those poets 
 of lively imagination who have been there. 
 
 " There ! " said Gogsley suddenly, after a 
 rapid examination of his strap of books and 
 pockets, " I have left my imposition behind 
 me." 
 
 " Then I wouldn't be in your boots," said 
 Plunkett, " although they are real Welling- 
 tons. You must look sharp if you want to 
 yave pr:iyer»."
 
 THE SCATTERGOOD FAMILY. 155 
 
 " Here, new fellow ! Scatterbraiiis \ — what 's 
 your name?" cried Gogsley, turning to Fred. 
 '* You must go back after it." 
 
 Frederick in vain pleaded ignorance of the 
 way. Gogsley promised to mark a map of it 
 on his shoulders with his strap if he did not 
 start immediately, so he was compelled to go 
 back. 
 
 He was some time finding out the house. 
 He turned up a wrong lane, and got into a 
 labyrinth of lofty woolstores and warehouses, 
 where everybody appeared too busy to answer 
 his inquiries. At last, he came by chance to 
 a dismal churchyard, that he recollected pass- 
 ing, one enormous reeking dead-pit, whose 
 limits bulged out with repletion, and over which 
 the gravestones rose up in the gloom, like the 
 ghosts of those beneath, waiting for the real 
 light of morning to drive them back again to 
 their foul tenements. Guided by this spot, 
 he reached the entrance of the court, and got 
 to Mr. Snap's door. Here there was another 
 delay of some minutes, until the servants came 
 dovvn ; and then more time was consumed in
 
 lo6 THE FORTUNES OF 
 
 looking after the imposition in Gogsley's locker, 
 where at length they found it, and he started 
 off again. 
 
 A clock struck the quarters as he left the 
 house. Once — twice — thrice — four times ! It 
 was eight ©""clock, and he would be late at the 
 school. He set off running as fast as he could, 
 and following the road to the best of his recol- 
 lection, was scarcely three minutes in reaching 
 Merchant Tailors'. 
 
 The great door was open, and he went 
 quickly up the staircase. Here there w^as little 
 doubt about where to go, the only other place 
 he could get to being the gloomy cloisters. 
 But everything was quite quiet ; so different 
 to what he expected it would be in such a 
 large school. When he got to the landing, 
 he found the door shut ; but, peeping through 
 a hole hacked with a knife, he could see a 
 vast hall, lin^d on each side by boys standing 
 up, and holding lighted tapers, and in the 
 middle, one was kneeling down upon one knee, 
 reading prayers. In about a minute the door 
 was opened.
 
 THE SCATTERGOOD FAMILY. 157 
 
 "What's your name?" said one of the 
 scholars, who was standing at the door. 
 
 Frederick told him, with great respect. 
 
 " That will do," said the other, writing it 
 down. 
 
 " Am I too late, sir ?*" asked the little fellow 
 timidly. 
 
 " Don't you see you are ?" said the other. 
 " You will not be thrashed until after break- 
 fast this morning.'"' 
 
 Before Freddy could recover from the fright 
 into which this announcement threw him, Gogs- 
 ley came up for his imposition ; and then told 
 him to sit on the first form. 
 
 " I am going to be beaten, sir," said Frede- 
 rick, as he gave him the papers. 
 
 " Then you ought to have been quicker," 
 said Gogsley. '' Never mind ; you will be 
 bumped against the new boys' pillar in the 
 cloisters at breakfast time, and that will pre- 
 pare you for it." 
 
 The classes were here called up, and Fre- 
 derick was left by himself, in great distress, 
 at the end of the form.
 
 158 THE FORTUNES OF 
 
 CHAPTER XL 
 
 aiR. BOLT APPEARS ANXIOUS TO VISIT AN OLD COUNTRY 
 HOUSE. THE FATHER AND DAUGHTER. 
 
 We have occasionally seen certain plays of 
 very wonderful construction, whose ingenuity 
 even Mr. Glenalvon Fogg might have envied, 
 in which the events that were going on in 
 different parts of the house, in two, three, or 
 even four rooms, were represented before the 
 audience all at once. On these occasions, the 
 scene usually resembled a gigantic doll's house, 
 with the street-door open, which in those tene- 
 ments is generally of formidable proportions, 
 inasmuch as it comprises the whole front of 
 the building, leaving the hou^e, when unclosed, 
 in that state of unreserved display respecting 
 its internal economy, which we only see where 
 violent architectural sections of dwellings are
 
 THE SCATTERGOOD FAMILY. 159 
 
 being made to form new streets in dense neigh- 
 bourhoods. And then there is very great food 
 for speculation in the different colours and pat- 
 terns of the paper ; the outline apparitions of 
 departed staircases, that still haunt the walls ; 
 and the rusty grates still clinging to the fire- 
 place, like household gods perched up aloft in 
 niches. 
 
 The staircases have, however, but little to 
 do with dolls' houses ; they are an accommo- 
 dation never thought of by the builders of 
 those tiny freeholds ; nor, possibly, would they 
 be much used if constructed, the chief resident 
 inmate being a wax lodger, who sleeps per- 
 petually in a small bed, tightly trimmed with 
 pink calico, and is found by children of an in- 
 quiring disposition to be entirely without legs. 
 And when it has been ordained that the small 
 Dutch company which assembles in the kitchen 
 should hold a reunion in the drawing-room, 
 like house-lamb and alien babies, they are 
 usually brought up by hand. So that, since 
 even the labours of that wondrous architect, 
 the bee, prove economy of space and material
 
 160 THE FORTUNES OF 
 
 to be the first considerations in building, the 
 makers of dolls'' abodes may, upon the whole, 
 be regarded as clear-headed and talented men, 
 from the formation of " savings^ banks " up- 
 wards, to those elaborate four-roomed houses, 
 which Lilliputian upholsterers undertake to fur- 
 nish luxuriously for two-and-sixpence. 
 
 If this simultaneous presentation of different 
 actions could be effected as well in novels or 
 histories as on the stage, a great economy of 
 time, and possibly a diminution of tedium, 
 might be the result. Doubtless, with a little 
 practice, two chapters could be studied at once, 
 similarly as pianists embrace the meaning of 
 the two clefs at one and the same time. But 
 as the large proportion of readers have not 
 paid much attention to this comprehensive me- 
 thod, we must at present go on in the old- 
 fashioned style, which, like many other an- 
 tique notions, is perhaps the best after all. 
 
 Vincent is, as we are aware, still located 
 with Mr. Fogg. How long the fellowship will 
 continue may not yet be told. Freddy is a 
 scholar of Merchant Tailors' : the duration of
 
 THE SCATTERGOOD FAMILY. 161 
 
 his stay there is equally uncertain. Unscreen- 
 ed allotments, portioned off from the myste- 
 rious coal-stores of Mr. Chicksand at sixpence 
 the scuttle, shed warmth around the lodgings 
 of Clara and her parents. And so we will 
 wind off another end from the web which sur- 
 rounds the cocoon of our history, until we 
 get the various threads into one line for its 
 conclusion. ' 
 
 The time is yet winter ; the place not very 
 far from the locality wherein we first met our 
 hero journeying up to London in the market- 
 waggon. That dismal and swampy range, 
 stretched along the banks of the river for miles; 
 but in its inland direction was more circum- 
 scribed ; for there it gradually became culti- 
 vated ; the willows disappeared, and trees of 
 less melancholy aspect, upon whom the effects 
 of constant water-drinking had not left such a 
 dull, depressed physiognomy, took their places. 
 Dry turf, too, with underwood and hawthorn, 
 supplanted the plashy fields of rushes ; and 
 the numerous water-courses, that intersected 
 the marshes in every direction, were seen no
 
 162 THE FORTUNES OF 
 
 more. And still farther from the coast were 
 knolls of ground — warm, sunny rises, upon 
 which the corn undulated in summer time ; 
 with clumps of goodly trees, and long belts 
 of waving foliage, which at various openings 
 disclosed fine old houses, high and dry upon 
 the headland, whose windows, it could be 
 readily imagined, commanded views far over 
 the marshes and river, even to the sweeping 
 outline of rich hill and valley, that adorned 
 the opposite and pleasant county of Kent. 
 
 There was one old mansion, above others, in 
 which we are chiefly interested. As the tra- 
 veller caught the first view of it over the grove 
 that lodged the cawing rooks who were its 
 perpetual sentinels, it appeared nothing but a 
 wonderful collection of chimneys in every fa- 
 shion, from the early Tudor to that of the 
 latest century ; and when he got nearer, its 
 windows were a perfect marvel, as well from 
 their number as their quaintness. 
 
 There were large bay ones, which were 
 known at once to belong to " the hall,'' with 
 heavy stone mullions and carved transoms, so
 
 THE SCATTERGOOD FAMILY. 168 
 
 large indeed, that the recess which they formed 
 was a perfect room of itself, with one entire 
 side of glass, — not smooth, clear plate, but 
 small dusky panes, full of flaws and zigzags, 
 latticed into all sorts of fantasies, and topped 
 by unintelligible coats of arms, which the sun 
 caused to march in solemn illuminated pro- 
 cession along the matting of the floor every 
 day he shone. And high up, in sly nooks and 
 corners, were windows much smaller, so oddly 
 situated under the eaves of the numerous ga- 
 bles, that you wondered what on earth could 
 be their utility as regarded lighting any prac- 
 ticable and approachable apartment. But they 
 were windows of great humour for all that, and 
 seemed to enjoy mightily the joke of their 
 position ; for when the wind blew hard, and 
 the sunlight fell upon them, they winked and 
 twinkled so merrily, that you only felt annoyed 
 you could not enter into their fun. There 
 were other small windows low down, almost 
 level with the ground ; but they were sullen 
 and suspicious : the very inhabitants of the 
 house could not find out what thev had been
 
 164- THE FORTUNES OF 
 
 built for, except for the especial enlightenment 
 of the family rats who lived behind the wain- 
 scots ; for they let in the day to nothing else. 
 
 The architecture of the house was after many 
 styles and tastes. Unity had been sacrificed 
 to convenience, and the different proprietors 
 had pulled one room down, or built up another, 
 as suited their fancy, until it was difficult to 
 tell which was supposed to be the chief front 
 of the house, until the fine porch was dis- 
 covered, with its old and massy door, fitted 
 into a low, deep arch of crumbling stone, and 
 studded with iron nails. And was there not 
 a keyhole too ? — slightly, — with its rusty gi- 
 gantic iron scutcheon. No one ever saw one 
 like it out of a pantomime, or the prevalent 
 idea that fairies usually choose that entrance 
 for coming into a house, would not seem so 
 great a stretch of the imagination after all, 
 even supposing them to be as big as ordinary 
 mortals. But all this singularity only made 
 Brabants, for so was the house called, more 
 picturesque and venerable. Even the sun 
 seemed to respect it, and his warmest beams
 
 THE SCATTERGOOD FAMILY. 1()5 
 
 always lingered with something of fondness 
 round the old grey structure, long after the 
 surrounding coppices were wrapped in shade. 
 
 About a quarter of a mile from this house — 
 the spire of the modest church could be seen 
 peeping above the intervening shaw — there was 
 a small village ; such a quiet, secluded place. 
 It consisted only of one street, and this was 
 but a part of the road which ran from some 
 unimportant spot to nowhere in particular. 
 Indeed, its existence as a road, with a con- 
 tinuation either way, might have been doubted, 
 had not carts occasionally made their appear- 
 ance in the village, which must evidently have 
 arrived by that route ; for when the inhabitants 
 wished to visit adjacent towns, they chose won- 
 derfully obscure footpaths, which ran through 
 fields, pleasant in summer, with fresh green 
 turf and hedge-flowers, and, when near the 
 village, resounding with the merry voices of 
 children at play. For children ever love the 
 fields ; their feelings are closely allied to nature, 
 and they like to commune with her, although 
 they understand not why. Men seek the fields
 
 166 THE FORTUNES OF 
 
 for tranquillity, or a change from pent-up 
 worldliness ; but children look upon each wild 
 flower as a play-fellow. They will talk to the 
 yellow petals of the cowslip as they string them 
 into chains. 
 
 The snow had not yet gone, however, at 
 the present time. The solemn wintry twilight 
 was creeping over Brabants, and the surround- 
 ing copses, now dark and leafless ; whilst the 
 ruddy light of fires within gleamed from its 
 various windows ; and now and then sparks 
 shot up from the fantastic chimneys, in evi- 
 dence of the huge billets that were blazing 
 upon the iron " dogs " of the hearth. At one 
 of the gates belonging to the homestall at the 
 back of the house, two men were leaning 
 against the palings, and talking to each other 
 in low, cautious tones. One of them had the 
 appearance of a labourer about the farm ; the 
 other was Mr. Cricket, or Bolt, as he gave his 
 true name, with whom we last parted on the 
 night of Vincent's arrival in Covent Garden. 
 
 " I tell you they 're as safe as if you had 
 them at your own place in London," said the
 
 THE SCATTERGOOD FAMILY. 167 
 
 man. " No one goes to that shed but myself, 
 and the snow this morning covered everything 
 over as smooth as glass. How long is 'em 
 to lie thus?'' 
 
 '' Till the waggon goes up again — mayhap 
 three days," replied Bolt. " It was the best 
 run we ever made, and it would be a pity to 
 lose it. How 's the guv'nor ? — dark ? " 
 
 " All right there," returned the other. 
 " He 'd pretty soon let us know if it wasn't. 
 Only I think the sooner you take them off the 
 better. His nephew is coming here to stay 
 in a week, and he'll want the place for his 
 dogs." 
 
 " Why, he hasn't been gone three months." 
 
 " No ; but they do say he comes to keep 
 company with Miss Amy ; leastwise, so I hear 
 in the kitchen. It 's no go, though, — I could 
 tell him that, much as the old gent would 
 like it." 
 
 " How 's that ?" asked Bolt carelessly. 
 
 '* 'Cause there 's somebody else. Master 's 
 got money — not much, I know, but still he's 
 got some — so 's t'other, and I reckon he wants
 
 168 THE FORTUNES OF 
 
 to keep all the eggs in one basket, as the saying 
 is. He won't."' 
 
 '• How do you mean ?" 
 
 " Why, I know she was in love with young 
 — what 's his name ? — there, that lived in the 
 village, and went to sea. I used to see them 
 often out together, when they never knowed 
 nothing about it." 
 
 " I suppose it don't make much difference 
 to us two whether she has both or neither," 
 observed Bolt, " provided they don't open their 
 eyes too much about the estate when they 
 come into it. I reckon you wouldn't like the 
 pheasants to be counted." 
 
 " He 'W be in luck, whoever it is," resumed 
 the man, taking no heed of Mr. Bolt's insinu- 
 ation. " There 's silver waiters as big as cart- 
 wheels, and spoons like spades, with no end 
 of 'em neither." 
 
 " Where are they ? " inquired Bolt. 
 
 " Ah ! you 'd like to know, now ; wouldn't 
 you ?" said his companion. ''A cargo of them 
 would pay better than sperrits." 
 
 " Now, look here. Chandler," said Bolt
 
 THE SCATTERGOOD FAMILY. 169 
 
 meaningly ; " there ""s no mistake but we could 
 transport one another, if we was incHned so to 
 do. Anything you tells me is — so !" 
 
 And he pantomimically expressed the word 
 he intended to be understood by clapping his 
 hand against his open mouth : adding directly 
 afterwards, 
 
 " So there 's no use in concealing — nohow. 
 Only let us know when there 's a chance of 
 anything to be sacked, and you shall have 
 your rights, just and honest. Eh ?'' 
 
 " It ain't hanging matter, if it was found 
 out,"" observed Chandler, apparently meditating 
 out loud. 
 
 '' How can it be found out ?"" replied Bolt. 
 " Once get the things to London, and half- 
 an-hour will settle their business. 1 Ve knowM 
 worse-looking schemes than this." 
 
 " Like enough — like enough," answered the 
 other, lifting up a pail at his side. " I suppose 
 you 11 be down at The Billet this evening. 
 There 's a pig to be raffled for." 
 
 "You'll see me, if nothing turns up," said 
 Bolt, as he opened the gate, and left the 
 
 VOL. I. I
 
 170 THE FORTUNES OF 
 
 yard. " Don"*! forget, you know — not a 
 word." 
 
 Chandler winked in acquiescence, and carried 
 his burden towards the house ; whilst Bolt 
 strode off across the fields, crushing the snow 
 beneath his heavy shoes as he whistled in ac- 
 companiment ; and was soon out of sight in 
 the increasing darkness. 
 
 The window of the library at Brabants was 
 the chief point from which the ruddy light 
 broke forth as the day departed. It was a 
 fine old room, with a huge carved chimney- 
 piece, a wainscot of dark oak, and hanging- 
 buttresses from every point of the elaborate ceil- 
 ing ; and was usually occupied by the residents 
 as the sitting-room. There was little appearance 
 of splendour or affluence in the appointments 
 of the room. The furniture was mostly old ; 
 in many instances its antiquity amounted to 
 dilapidation ; and on some of the panels, which 
 enframed pieces of faded and half-indistinct 
 tapestry, the work had burst from its fasten- 
 ing, and disclosed the ruinous state of the wall 
 behind. Neither was the remainder of the
 
 THE SCATTERGOOD FAMILY. 171 
 
 house in much better condition. Every por- 
 tion of it spoke of the inabiUty of the fortune 
 of the owner to maintain the estabhshment 
 in its proper condition, both internally and ex- 
 ternally ; from the irregular and rudely-mended 
 park-palings which surrounded the estate, al- 
 lowing entrance to every depredator who chose 
 to make an inroad upon the gardens or pre- 
 serves, to the worn and irregular flooring of 
 the hall, over a portion of which more tapestry, 
 dragged down from the upper rooms of the 
 house, was now spread in the ignoble position 
 of a carpet. It was long, too, since the sounds 
 of revelry had filled that old hall. But for 
 its noble hearth and goodly windows, it might 
 have been taken for a barn or granary, if one 
 or two odd pieces of corroded armour, and a 
 few rotting and gloomy banners that drooped 
 from its walls had been removed. And, in- 
 deed, the gallery which ran round its upper 
 portion had been partially consecrated to this 
 use, wherein the rats rioted in banquets of 
 repletion. For the fortunes of the house had 
 
 not yet sunk so low as to give these vermin 
 
 I 2
 
 IT,'^ THE FORTUNES OF 
 
 their mysterious warning that it was time to 
 quit it. 
 
 In the library were two persons, — the owner 
 of the house and his daughter ; they were the 
 sole occupants of Brabants, for the mother had 
 long slept in the family vault, beneath the worn 
 pavement of the little church before mentioned. 
 Mr. Grantham was still in the prime of life. 
 He had married young, almost iji his minority ; 
 and he had a proud bearing, and quick, per- 
 ceptive manner, which gave him the appear- 
 ance of being younger than he really was. 
 Few would have imagined, upon sight only, 
 that he was the father of the handsome girl 
 who now occupied the other side of the fire- 
 place, engaged in embroidering some canvas 
 to cover a prie-dieii^ one or two specimens of 
 which industry already adorned the chairs of 
 the room, and formed the only exceptions, with 
 ■ their bright and glowing colours, to its general 
 worn-out aspect. 
 
 For a time they were both silent, as the 
 fire threw their forms in giant and dancing 
 shadows on the opposite wall. The father
 
 THE SCATTERGOOD FAMILY. 173 
 
 was looking intently at the burning log, as 
 though he sought companionship in its fitful 
 blaze, his quick, anxious breathing alone dis- 
 turbing the quiet ; and his child was pursuing 
 her work with a hurried intensity of applica- 
 tion, which proved that it was only serving 
 as a cover to turbulent and anxious thoughts. 
 
 " Well, Amy,'' said Mr. Grantham, after 
 a long pause, "will you favour me with a 
 reply ? I have been some time expecting 
 it." 
 
 " I scarcely know what answer you would 
 have me give," replied his daughter timidly, 
 as she looked up for an instant from her work. 
 " I like Herbert. I always did," 
 
 " And you would have no objection, then, 
 to become his wife, if he felt inclined to pay 
 his addresses to you ? " 
 
 A slight and passing tremor shook the girl's 
 frame as she heard these words. She replied, 
 
 " I did not mean that, sir. I implore you 
 not to press the subject. I have told you 
 I like my cousin, but I could never marry 
 him."
 
 174 THE FORTUNES OF 
 
 " You mean, you have made up your mind 
 to refuse a desired and eligible match. Is it 
 not so ? " asked her father sternly. " What 
 can induce you to form this foolish, ill-judged 
 determination ? " 
 
 " I do not love him, sir, — at least, as you 
 would have me, ' from my heart.' " 
 
 " You would tell me you have a heart," 
 rephed Mr. Grantham. " You may have one ; 
 but it is cold and insensible as this marble. 
 Amy, why is this .^" 
 
 " Because my heart must be given, father, 
 to my husband, — I mean, — if ever I were to 
 marry. He shall not purchase it.*" 
 
 "Pshaw!" exclaimed Mr. Grantham as he 
 rose from his seat, and paced up and down 
 the room. " This is the idle nonsense of a 
 school-girl. Herbert's family is in every re- 
 spect equal to our own ; his possessions far 
 greater. He is all a girl might wish for." 
 
 " I do not deny it," replied his daughter ; 
 " but I would not have him entertain a hope 
 that I may become his wife. It can never 
 be."
 
 THE SCATTERGOOD FAMILY. 175 
 
 "Amy, this is absurd," said Mr. Grantham. 
 And, advancing towards her, he fixed his eye 
 keenly on her, as he continued, " There are 
 other reasons for this determination, of which 
 you have kept me in ignorance." 
 
 The girl bent timidly before her father's 
 gaze, and replied in a low, tremulous voice, 
 
 "I will not deceive you, father : there 
 are." 
 
 " I suspected as much," observed Mr. Grant- 
 ham, as he walked coldly back to his seat. 
 " And, may I ask these reasons ? There is 
 another attachment, — is it not so .'^" 
 
 " You have asked me, and I will answer 
 you," replied Amy, as she looked towards him 
 with an earnest and appealing gaze. " I have 
 long struggled with my feelings in silence, until 
 I thought my reason would give way beneath 
 the conflict, for I have no one now in whom 
 I can confide. I have striven to overcome the 
 attachment, but all in vain. I do love an- 
 other. Father ! pity me — pity me — I beseech 
 you ! " 
 
 And rushing towards her father, she threw
 
 176 THE FORTUNES OF 
 
 herself upon her knees at his feet, and burst 
 into a violent flood of tears. 
 
 Mr. Grantham had not been prepared for 
 this outbreak of sorrow. He raised his daugh- 
 ter gently, and drawing her towards him, part- 
 ed her long, dark hair, and kissed her with 
 more affection than he might have been thought 
 capable of exhibiting, from his usual staid 
 bearing. 
 
 " My poor girl ! " he exclaimed kindly ; for 
 Amy's allusion to her lonely position had re- 
 called her mother to his mind, and he was 
 softened by the recollection. " And who is 
 it that you love ? Will you not tell me .^" 
 
 " Do not ask me," replied the weeping girl. 
 " Some day you shall know all. Let me retire 
 now ; but do not think from this confession 
 that I shall ever cease to respect or esteem 
 your 
 
 f ' She withdrew herself from her father's arms, 
 and, covering her face with her hands, broke 
 into a fresh deluge of tears ; and then saluting 
 Mr. Grantham, she retired from the room, and 
 sought her chamber. But for some hours after
 
 THE SCATTERGOOD FAMILY. 177 
 
 a light from its fretted casement, glimmering 
 upon the rimy branches of the trees that occa- 
 sionally swept the window, showed that she 
 had not yet found an asylum from her sorrows 
 in slumber.
 
 178 THE FORTUNES OF 
 
 CHAPTER XII. 
 
 " THE LEE SHORE OF LIFE " LS PRODUCED. 
 
 " The Lee Shore of Life "" at length under- 
 went the ordeal of public opinion. Soon after 
 the doors of the theatre had opened, and the 
 first rush of the eager multitude, who had been 
 beguiling the last two hours of attendance 
 under the portico by practical jokes and humor- 
 ous salutations, had subsided, Mr. Glenalvon 
 Fogg meekly entered, and took his place in a 
 dark corner on a back seat of the upper boxes. 
 He passed unobserved ; no one unacquainted with 
 the mysteries of literature would have imagined 
 that an author so much resembled an everyday 
 man. And then, shrouding himself in his 
 cloak, with that retiring modesty always atten- 
 dant upon true genius and embarrassed affairs,
 
 THE SCATTERGOOD FAMILY. 179 
 
 he awaited the representation, anxiously scan- 
 ning the general physiognomy of the jury upon 
 whose verdict his fate was to depend. 
 
 The doors of boxes slammed, the buzz of 
 human voices increased to a roar, and the 
 orchestra commenced a needless piece of in- 
 audible pleasantry, termed an overture. Its 
 concluding chords alone reached Mr. Fogg's 
 ear, and intense was the thrill they caused to 
 pervade his bosom. Then came two minutes of 
 intense expectancy, the scene not being ready, 
 towards the end of which the people began to 
 hiss, and terrible voices, apparently from the 
 clouds, cried out, " Pull up !" with awe-inspir- 
 ing energy, until the prompter's bell rang 
 everybody into something like order, and the 
 opening chorus of the performers struggled yery 
 energetically to rise above the opposition murmur 
 of the audience, in which endeavour, after great 
 exertion; it ultimately triumphed. 
 
 The drama proceeded with tolerable smooth- 
 ness, although the majority of Mr. Fogg's 
 pet jokes missed fire, in spite of the covert 
 applause he endeavoured to establish after each
 
 180 THE FORTUNES OF 
 
 one, with his heel against the panel of the box, 
 — applause which died away, blushing and con- 
 fused, as nobody took it up. But when Rose 
 Cottage told the proud lord " that the heart of 
 a virtuous English girl was a jewel far richer 
 than the coronet of the haughty peeress," there 
 was such a general burst of cheering, that it 
 made amends for all the other omissions. And 
 this enthusiasm was well sustained by the 
 appearance of Tom Ratline, just as the father 
 was being expelled from his cottage, who called 
 the broker"'s men " land-sharks,"*' and upbraided 
 them " for scuttling a fine old hull amongst the 
 breakers,'' recommending them also '" to sheer 
 off, if they did not wish their topsail figure- 
 heads spliced to a marlinspike.'"* All this being 
 in support of a great right, viz. that " nature's 
 aristocracy" have no right to pay any rent unless 
 they like, met with very great applause. And 
 ■ here was Mr. Fogg's great dramatic tact clearly 
 apparent, in writing for the minor theatres. 
 For, however flat may have been the progress of 
 a piece, the author has only to abuse the superior 
 classes of society, and insinuate the " we've-as-
 
 THE SCATTERGOOD FAMILY. 181 
 
 much-a-right-as- they- have" theory of possession 
 into the bosoms of the pit and galleries, and his 
 philanthropy will always meet with its due 
 reward. 
 
 In spite of the fearful demons and ruffian 
 pirates, with other desperate characters that 
 Mr. Fogg delighted to create, his mind was 
 naturally mild and gentle, even to simplicity. 
 Yet, notwithstanding his benevolent disposition, 
 we almost doubt whether he did not wish, 
 several times in the course of the performance, 
 that the infant in arms, who cried unceasingly 
 in the gallery, might fall over the front rail 
 into the pit and break its neck, previously to 
 being pulled up again to its solicitous parent 
 by the united handkerchiefs and shawls of the 
 company. But even here his better nature 
 always prevailed in a short time ; and when the 
 act-drop came down, and one ancient woman 
 exclaimed " Beautiful !" in the fulness of her 
 admiration, as she applauded with a dislocated 
 umbrella, unconscious of the author's presence, 
 Mr. Fogg could have clasped her to his 
 heart, albeit she was the queen of that ano-
 
 18^, THE FORTUNES OF 
 
 malous tribe of elderly females, in wonderful 
 bonnets and unestablished toilets, who come in 
 with orders before seven, and people the upper 
 boxes. 
 
 At length the curtain fell upon the last scene, 
 and the suspense of our author was at an end. 
 The drama was completely successful. And 
 if nobody had been aware of the fact, the 
 management took care to let everybody into 
 the secret ; for it was duly placarded as " the 
 greatest hit ever made, even at that theatre," 
 which, as every piece successively achieved the 
 same progressive superiority, was in a fair way 
 of arriving, at last, at some climax of prosperity 
 beyond all human conception to form even a 
 dim idea of. The weekly papers, too, gave it 
 their full meed of praise, all agreeing, from the 
 leading journal down to the Halfpenny Toma- 
 hawk, that it was full of stirring interest and 
 -exciting situations. 
 
 Mr. Fogg rushed round to the stage-doorj 
 and was behind the scenes almost before the 
 stage was cleared, or the last applause had died 
 away. Possibly this hurry was because he
 
 THE SCATTERGOOD FAMILY. 183 
 
 thought he might be called for. And in- 
 deed the prompter believed he heard cries of 
 "Fogg! Fogg!" amidst the cheering; but 
 they were not decided enough to bring the 
 author before the curtain. But his gratitude 
 was nevertheless unbounded. He thanked all 
 the actors, collectively and individually, for 
 their exertions ; he thanked the prompter for 
 his attention ; he expressed his obligation to 
 the carpenters, the " scene-shifters" of the 
 common world, in a shape of three gallons of 
 half-and-half, one to the traps, another to the 
 stage, and the third to the flies, — a piece of 
 remarkable liberality ; he told Scutt to go to 
 the public house and order whatever he liked 
 up to sixpence ; and finally he took Vincent's 
 hand, and, shaking it with hysterical warmth, 
 declared to him confidently that he could take a 
 leap or a fall in every respect equal to Mr. 
 Dilk. Having done all this, he quitted the 
 theatre with his companion, leaving Mr. Groove, 
 the prompter, to make such " cuts" as he 
 thought advisable for its second representation. 
 And Mr. Groove was unequalled in this task.
 
 184- THE FORTUNES OF 
 
 If a question was asked at page five, and he 
 found an answer at page nine that appeared 
 appHcable, he was accustomed to score out all 
 the intermediate dialogue with his fatal pencil. 
 This he called " bringing it up nearer together, 
 and making it play close."" Sometimes authors 
 entertained a different opinion about the advan- 
 tages of this abridgment ; but Mr. Groove 
 always got the upper hand in the end. 
 
 " I hope you are satisfied with the success of 
 your play," said Vincent to Mr. Fogg as they 
 left the theatre. 
 
 "It is a great hit,"" replied his patron ; 
 " although your situation is immensely dan- 
 gerous." 
 
 " Oh ! that 's nothing," said the other 
 carelessly. " I have fallen twice the distance." 
 
 '^ I am speaking of it as connected with the 
 feelings inspired by the plot," continued Mr. 
 Fogg ; " it is dramatically dangerous, not 
 practically. But, nothing venture, nothing 
 have. I think I shall be able to show Mum- 
 ford that others can write nautical dramas as 
 well as himself — eh ? "
 
 THE SCATTERGOOD FAMILY. 185 
 
 " Oh, certainly," answered Vincent ; not, 
 however, having the least idea that Mumford was 
 a rival author, who wrote " The Nore Lights ; 
 or, the Wreck of the Goodwin Sands," which 
 ran all the season. 
 
 " A month as a first piece 1 think I calcu- 
 lated on," soliloquized Mr. Fogg ; " and two 
 " weeks at half-price, at half-a-guinea a night. 
 Six times six is thirty-six — eighteen guineas : 
 come, that will do.*" 
 
 " llten you said something about the coun- 
 try, I thought .?"" said Vincent. 
 
 *' The country," rejoined Mr. Fogg, " is shy : 
 the provincial drama is declining, and its halls 
 are dark and lonely. The dress-circle becomes 
 one large private box of four, and the police- 
 man occupies the gallery. The days when we 
 got half-a-crown an act are long since gone : 
 they departed with those of gipsying." 
 
 It was Mr. Fogg's usual custom of an even- 
 ing to be lost in reflection whenever he was 
 going over Waterloo Bridge, — an abstraction 
 arising from his unceasing endeavours to render 
 the shot-tower available in a melodrama, which
 
 186 THE FORTUNES OF 
 
 he thought some clay of producing under the 
 name of " The Mysteries of Lambeth." And 
 on the present occasion he walked onward in 
 silence, until he came against the wTong turn- 
 stile, which drew back his attention to passing 
 events, and more particularly to a facetious 
 gentleman, who was blocking up the toll, whilst 
 he begged the keeper to oblige him with a sove- 
 reign's worth of halfpence, and not to mind 
 the light ones ; and also challenged him to 
 toss up whether he would take a penny, or 
 nothing ; finally requesting to know, with great 
 politeness, as a point of much interest, whe- 
 ther people who drowned themselves from the 
 parapet paid as much for going over the bridge 
 sideways as if they traversed it longitudinally. 
 But, as turnpike-men are slow appreciators 
 of jokes, and those on Waterloo Bridge es- 
 pecially so, the only answer returned was that 
 • he would " stow his gaff," — a patois expression, 
 which sounded slightly nautical to Mr. Fogg's 
 ears, although he knew no more of its practical 
 meaning than if he had been told to reef his 
 toplights, or put his compass hard-a-port.
 
 THE SCATTERGOOD FAMILY. 187 
 
 " That voice !" exclaimed Mr. Fogg, as the 
 facetious gentleman again spoke. " Can it be 
 possible ? No, it isn't ; yes, it is : those fea- 
 tures ! It is Mr. Joint." 
 
 Mr. Joe Jollit, for it was that hilarious in- 
 dividual, having blocked up the toll long enough 
 to collect a little crowd behind him, now went 
 through, followed by Vincent and the author. 
 
 " Yes, you 're right, Foggy," said Mr. Jol- 
 lit. " I Ve been all the way over to applaud 
 your piece. What do you think of that — eh ? " 
 
 "My noble benefactor!" exclaimed Mr. 
 Fogg as he seized his hand. " Permit me to 
 introduce my friend, Mr. Scattergood, the gen- 
 tleman who came down the rope ; Mr. Jollit, 
 Mr. Scattergood." 
 
 " Proud of the honour, sir," said Mr. Joe, 
 touching the front of his hat with the top of 
 his stick. ''I'm an old friend of Mr. Fogg's, 
 although I have not seen him for some time. 
 But, you know, it isn't strange for Fogg to be 
 miss'^d. Come, I rather think that will do — eh?" 
 
 And then Mr. Jollit dug his stick into the 
 author's ribs, previously to fencing at a lamp-
 
 188 THE FORTUNES OF 
 
 post ; and told Mr. Fogg not to put the witti- 
 cism in his next phiy ; which is a sort of con- 
 ventional pleasantry applicable to all sorts of 
 joking before authors : concluding this out- 
 burst of animal spirits by running after a hack- 
 ney-coach that came through the gate, and 
 riding behind it up to the corner of the Strand, 
 where he waited for them." 
 
 "Still the same gay heart !" exclaimed Mr. 
 Fogg to Vincent, in tones of admiration. 
 " Three and twenty summers have passed lightly 
 over his head, and yet in energy he is a giant. 
 When I had a ticket-night last year he sold 
 me six-and -thirty shillings"* worth. The Bank 
 of England nobly did its duty at that eventful 
 crisis in my afFairs."" 
 
 The latter part of this speech was somewhat 
 enigmatical to Vincent, who did not know Mr. 
 Jollit's occupation ; and any connexion between 
 Mr. Fogg and the Bank of England was still 
 more remarkable, as, indeed, was the mention 
 of any bank ; except the one upon which the 
 wild thyme was reported to blow, and which 
 he occasionally affirmed he knew.
 
 THE SCATTERGOOD FAMILY. 189 
 
 " Well," said Mr. Joe, as they once more 
 joined him, " I 'm going to the Gooseberries 
 to-night. We have not seen you there for 
 ever-so-long. It was there, you know, I first 
 met you. And pray, bring your friend." 
 
 "What are the Gooseberries?" inquired 
 Vincent. 
 
 " A club of gents," replied Mr. Fogg, " prin- 
 cipally literary and dramatic ; who meet for 
 harmony and social converse. You will be 
 well received as my friend : and it may be of 
 use to you to know them." 
 
 " It is not expensive, I hope .?" said Vin- 
 cent quietly, looking to the state of his own 
 treasury. 
 
 '* By no means," replied Mr. Fogg. " Be- 
 sides, you must go this evening as my guest, 
 and drink success to ' The Lee Shore.' "
 
 190 THE FORTUNES OF 
 
 CHAPTER XIII. 
 
 A CLUB OF LITERARY AND DRAMATIC GENTS. 
 
 The various members who collectively form- 
 ed " The Gooseberries " were accustomed to 
 meet once a-week at a house of public enter- 
 tainment at the end of a court in the \icinity 
 of the great theatres, where a room was spe- 
 cially kept for their accommodation. 
 
 The tavern was essentially a theatrical one. 
 The landlord himself had been an actor ; the 
 greater portion of those who regularly fre- 
 quented the house were performers ; and the 
 staple conversation of the company related to 
 the drama and its accessories. The coffee- 
 room in itself was a union of several little 
 clubs ; for every box had its peculiar set of 
 occupiers, who met there night after night, to
 
 THE SCATTERGOOD FAMILY. 191 
 
 discuss the merits of the different pieces and 
 managements ; quietly submitting hints and 
 rumours to their neighbours, in under-tones, 
 or giving out opinions in a loud and dictatorial 
 manner to the whole room, the more energetic, 
 as they appeared contrary to generally re- 
 ceived notions, or those of the majority of the 
 audience. Besides the daily theatrical pro- 
 grammes, there were playbills of various kinds 
 hung round the room, impaled upon the hat- 
 pegs. Some were of country theatres, sent up 
 by enterprising subordinates of the large houses, 
 to shew that they were playing Hamlet at 
 Leamington or Wolverhampton, as the case 
 might be. Others were benefit-announcements 
 of names unknown to fame, which did not ap- 
 pear at the head of the placards of the day, 
 so that the great world was in ignorance of 
 the fact ; but whose owners distributed these, 
 their private bills, amongst the shops and ta- 
 verns they frequented, to be hung round the 
 neck of the plaster brigand who guarded the 
 dry cheroots in the window of the vendor of 
 dusky, sun-bleached cigars ; or promoted to
 
 1.92 THE FORTUNES OF 
 
 the dignity of being wafered on the looking- 
 glass of the coffee-room, with an avant-guard 
 of inverted ale-glasses, and deal pipe-matches. 
 
 A perfect stranger might have been led to 
 imagine that he was in the company of the 
 principal stars in the theatrical hemisphere by 
 the ponderous decision with which they deli- 
 vered themselves of their opinions upon theat- 
 rical affairs. They were the men to pull up 
 the drama, which is so fast settling into the low- 
 water mud of unpopularity, but the managers 
 never gave them the chance ; they knew Shak- 
 speare was stifled by the monopoly of false 
 eminence, and oftly wanted their assistance to 
 come round again to his former position ; they 
 knew a man in the country to whom Kean was 
 a supernumerary, whom conflicting interests, 
 and wheels within wheels, kept from London ; 
 and were well aware that it was in the provin- 
 ces alone talent could be secured. But by 
 those experienced in their usual style of con- 
 versation, a tolerably correct notion of their 
 different physiologies was soon formed. The 
 individual who hinted that the piece about to
 
 THE SCATTERGOOD FAMILY. 193 
 
 be produced was a very indifferent one, was 
 certain to be cast for " Charles, his friend," 
 instead of " Sir Harry Dashley, a young baro- 
 net ;*" he was the heavy hght-comedian, beyond 
 all doubt. He who spoke perpetually of the 
 great houses he used to bring as first tragedian 
 in the country, was a provincial who had found 
 his level on the metropolitan boards, exchang- 
 ing Hamlet for Osrick, and Glo'ster for Catesby. 
 And he who saw nothing in the way in which 
 any regular favourite played a character so as 
 to attain unusual popularity, had tried the 
 same part, and failed therein. 
 
 In the drama, as in literature, a person who 
 stands in no one's way, unheeded by, and un- 
 known to the world, beyond bearing the repute 
 of harmless mediocrity, will ever be warmly 
 praised and complimented by his colleagues ; but, 
 let him attain the most infinitesimal share of 
 popularity, and that success will be his damning 
 crime. He will fall at once from the o-enius to 
 the humbug. Whoever is acquainted with 
 members of either of these two professions, 
 and, possibly, with all the others, will know at 
 
 VOL. I. K
 
 194 THE FORTUNES OF 
 
 once that the leading objects of their admiration 
 are men, concerning whose abihties the great 
 mass reckon in an inverse ratio : and that, on 
 the other hand, the favourites of the million 
 are, with them, mere impostors. 
 
 Mr. Fogg, accompanied by Vincent, and the 
 ever-gay Jollit, entered the house, and pro- 
 ceeded up stairs to the private room belonging 
 to the club. There were eight or ten mem- 
 bers assembled, by whom Scattergood was 
 courteously received upon his introduction ; and 
 they took their places at the table. 
 
 " What, ho ! there !" cried Mr. Fogg, as the 
 waiter was quitting the room. 
 
 " Marry, two goes of gin ; and with what 
 speed you may." 
 
 " I hope, Foggy, you mean to christen your 
 play to-night,"" said Mr. Joe Jollit. And then, 
 without waiting for an answer, he performed a 
 solo upon an empty pipe, in the course of which 
 he imitated various domestic animals by draw- 
 ing atmospheric air through its perforation. 
 
 " You appear to be very intimate with your 
 friend,"' said Vincent to the author.
 
 THE SCATTERGOOD FAMILY. 195 
 
 Mr. Fogg drew his chair nearer the speaker, 
 as if he was pulhng it down to the front of the 
 stage, and commenced : " Listen : 'tis now 
 some five years since, one stormy winter's 
 night—" 
 
 " I say, Fogg," interrupted a gentleman at 
 the other end, holding up a blue-covered pam- 
 phlet, *' what will you give me for this ?" 
 
 '' I know not what it is," answered the person 
 addressed. 
 
 "The first copy of the last farce at the 
 Varietes, my hoy," replied the speaker. " Look 
 here — U Amour an deuxihne JEtageS'' 
 
 " Has it been done yet .P" eagerly inquired 
 five dramatic authors at once. 
 
 " Rather," replied the other, whose name 
 was Bodge. " I made two translations last 
 night with different names. I shall call the one 
 for the Olympic ' The Two Pair Back,' and the 
 other for the Haymarket, * Fanchette.' It 's 
 safe to go." 
 
 " That 's a remarkable man," whispered Mr. 
 Fogg to Vincent. " He has a regular situation 
 of a guinea a- week at one of our leading houses, 
 
 K 2
 
 196 THE FORTUNES OF 
 
 to translate every French play as it comes 
 out ; besides what he does on his own ac- 
 count." 
 
 " And has he much to do in that way ?"" 
 
 " A great deal," returned the author. " He 
 was the first man who introduced five-shilling 
 farces to the notice of managers ; and they 
 have patronised him ever since." 
 
 " But I should think that interfered with 
 your interests," observed Vincent. 
 
 " By no means," answered his friend. 
 '• Mine, you see, is the true legitimate; nothing 
 can shake it but a powerful rival. I began by 
 writing five-act comedies, and other preparatory 
 works, until I arrived at my present position. 
 I pledge you." 
 
 And Mr. Fogg bowed into his glass of grog, 
 and rose therefrom refreshed. 
 
 " Pray, silence, gentlemen," cried Mr. Joe 
 Jollit, who appeared to be on the most intimate 
 terms with everybody. " Order for a joke. 
 Now, Mr. Silt, don't be nervous — try it again." 
 
 The gentleman addressed, who was an 
 amateur actor, with light hair, and a blue
 
 THE SCATTERGOOD FAMILY. 197 
 
 stock, who shaved off his whiskers to look like 
 a real one, and spoke learnedly of '^ floats,"' 
 " borders,"" and " first entrances,"" blushed very 
 deeply. 
 
 " I can assure you, gentlemen,''' continued • 
 Mr. Joe, " that Mr. Silt has brought us a joke, 
 very ancient, and in the highest state of pre- 
 servation." 
 
 '' A case of burke,'' he whispered to Mr. 
 Fogg, and then said, with an expression of 
 great meaning, to the company, " I hope, gen- 
 tlemen, you will not interrupt Mr Silt."" 
 
 " No ; it was merely this," said Mr. Silt, 
 causing his glass to revolve on its axis, and 
 speaking with the air of a man trying to make 
 the company believe he thought nothing of 
 what he was about to say, whilst in reality 
 he considered it a crack anecdote : "it was 
 merely this. I was going one day from Greek 
 Street to the Quadrant — " 
 
 " I beg your pardon,'"* asked Mr. Jollit ; 
 " what o'clock was it.^" 
 
 " 1 don't exactly recollect," replied Silt; "' I 
 should think, about one."
 
 198 THE FORTUNES OF 
 
 " Which one ?'** inquired another gentleman. 
 
 "Pray, order!" said Mr. Jollit. "Now, 
 Mr. Silt, you were going with a Greek to 
 buy a quadrant, — go on." 
 
 "No, no; I am afraid you misunderstand 
 me," continued the victim, Silt : " I was going 
 to the Quadrant to buy some cigars." 
 
 " Ah ! the Greek couldn't speak Enghsh, 
 I suppose. I see," chimed in Mr. Bodge. " I 
 knew a Greek once — ^" 
 
 *' Really, gentlemen, you are interrupting 
 Mr. Silt," said Mr. Joe, mildly deprecating 
 the diversion. 
 
 " No, no," said Mr. Silt positively, and em- 
 phasizing every word, " I, came, from, Greek, 
 Street, to, buy, some, cigars, in, the, Quad- 
 rant." 
 
 " Ha ! ha ! capital ! very good ! " laughed 
 Jollit, rapping the table ; " the best story 
 you ever told !" 
 
 And the remainder of the company joined 
 in applauding it. 
 
 " I 'm afraid we put you out," said Mr. 
 Bodge, politely addressing Silt.
 
 THE SCATTERGOOD FAMILY. 199 
 
 " You have not heard it all," answered the 
 unsuspecting amateur, not yet put down. " The 
 shop was kept by a Jew, where I always 
 dealt—" 
 
 " What game did you play, then, always to 
 deal ?" inquired the chairman. 
 
 "Hush! order!'' cried Mr. Jollit. "Mr. 
 Silt was staying at Deal with a Jew. You 're 
 losing all the point of the story. And where 
 was the Greek all this time ? " 
 
 " It's no use ; I can't go on," said Mr. Silt, 
 stopping in great confusion, and turning it off 
 by stirring his gin and water very frantically. 
 Upon this the applause was renewed, and ge- 
 nius again gave way to relaxation ; whilst the 
 wag Jollit told Mr. Silt never to mind, as 
 the joke would be sure to keep very well tliis 
 cold weather, until next week, and perhaps its 
 flavour would be improved. 
 
 " I hope, Crowle, you will give me a few 
 lines in the paper on Sunday," observed Mr. 
 Fogg, confidentially, to a gentleman near him. 
 
 " Did the piece go ?" asked Mr. Crowle, 
 who had interest with the press.
 
 2l)0 THE FORTUNES OF 
 
 *' Enormously, and the leap told tremen- 
 dously. By the way, allow me ; Mr. Scatter- 
 good, Mr. Crowle. — Mr. Crowle, Mr. Scatter- 
 good,'"* continued Mr. Fogg, introducing his 
 friend in the double fashion common to the 
 profession. " An influential journalist," he 
 whispered to Vincent, as he acknowledged the 
 other's bow. 
 
 " I need not go all the way to see it, I sup- 
 pose," observed Mr. Crowle. 
 
 "Oh no!" said the author; "here is the 
 play-bilL That," he went on, marking part 
 of the programme with a peculiarly stumpy 
 pencil, ** that was the greot eiFect ; and you 
 can say that the diiferent people played with 
 their usual ability." 
 
 " All right," replied the other, folding up 
 the bill. 
 
 " Much obliged," returned Mr. Fogg ; " and 
 if you could put a spoke in the wheel of the 
 other house whilst you are about it, it will do 
 no harm." 
 
 The conversation now became general ; not, 
 however, until Mr. Silt had attempted another
 
 THE SCATTERGOOD FAMILY. 201 
 
 slow story without effect. And at last Mr. Fogg- 
 and Vincent took their departure, accompanied 
 by Mr. Jollit, in getting quit of whom they 
 found some difficulty. For Mr. Fogg, delicate 
 in mind, with a fine sense of proper pride, did 
 not wish Joe to know the humble tenement 
 he occupied. And he was equally sensitive on 
 this point with respect to everybody else ; so 
 that it was the custom whenever he left the 
 club to twit him with living in various mar- 
 vellous localities, some of his friends assiofninor 
 to him the dark arch in the Adelphi, and 
 others the night-reversion of a gigantic adver- 
 tising cart, on consideration of his writing 
 poetry for the establishment. 
 
 Fortunately, a street row attracted Mr. 
 Jollifs attention. He directly plunged into 
 the centre of the group of disputants " to see 
 all fair, and that the police did not exceed 
 their duty ;'' and Mr. Fogg and Vincent, taking 
 advantage of this diversion, went straight home. 
 
 As Mr. Fogg opened the door, he found that 
 a letter, addressed to him, had been slipped 
 underneath in his absence. After the usual
 
 202 THE FORTUNES OF 
 
 speculation as to the writer, and vainly endea- 
 vouring to decipher the post-mark, he proceed- 
 ed to the best means of solving the mystery. 
 
 " An engagement ! " he exclaimed, as he 
 read it. " An engagement for six months as 
 the house-author, in one of our first provincial 
 theatres. I must away at dawn. The spell 
 is broken — we must part. The steam-packet 
 is cheap : once more to the dark and howling 
 waters of the wild unbounded sea ! " 
 
 And at the conclusion of this energetic speech 
 he imitated a prompter'*s whistle, as if the front 
 pair of " flats" were to close in upon him ; and 
 then retired pensively to bed. And so did 
 Vincent ; but in a state of mind far less self- 
 satisfactory, from the vague prospect which 
 again opened before him.
 
 THE SCATTERGOOD FAMILY. 
 
 CHAPTER XIY. 
 
 THE CLOISTERS ; THE MONITORS, AND THEIR VICTIMS. 
 
 Freddy remained for an hour unnoticed by 
 any one, whilst the usual morning business of 
 the school proceeded. But there was plenty 
 to attract his attention. The boys above him 
 on the form, which had three ascending seats, 
 amused themselves by jerking hot wax from 
 the candles upon his hair and clothes ; and 
 such a perpetual exhibition of corporal punish- 
 ment went on throughout all the classes, that 
 at last the constant strokes of the canes, which 
 echoed in the vast room, sharp and distinct as 
 the crack of a rifle, resembled the irregular 
 firing of a body of soldiers. The younger boys 
 writhed and cried out in agony under the in- 
 fliction ; then they were beaten again. But 
 the elder ones made it a point of emulation
 
 204* THE FORTUNES OF 
 
 to stand the torture unflinchingly. And when 
 the thick cane descended savagely upon their 
 cold hand and fingers, and left a purple and 
 burning mark behind, they pinched it between 
 their other arm and side, to numb the hurt ; 
 and bit their lip in defiance, until the pain 
 was lessened, and the next stroke came, and 
 others after that, until their hands became as 
 callous as their minds. 
 
 At nine o'clock the simple word "Go ! " 
 from one of the masters, dissolved the school 
 for breakfast, and there was a simultaneous 
 rush to the cloisters. Frederick took his cap, 
 which he had kept in his lap all the time, 
 and followed the rest, or was rather jostled 
 and carried down stairs by the others. The 
 general attack was then made upon a species 
 of watchbox under the staircase, in which an 
 old woman was dispensing small cups of coffee 
 at a penny, and buttered rolls at three-half- 
 pence each. Freddy had been told something 
 about getting his breakfiist ; but he was not 
 hungry. He was far too miserable to think 
 ofeatiJig.
 
 THE SCATTERGOOD FAMILY. 205 
 
 But those whose spirits allowed them to 
 feed — which in all truth they did, and with 
 wondrous appetites — enjoyed their breakfast 
 in proportion to the great difficulty of obtain- 
 ing it, which was an undertaking of great 
 exertion, and fraught with much danger to the 
 comestibles ; for there was such a driving, and 
 elbowing, and shoving, and scrambling over 
 one anotlier''s backs and shoulders, to get at 
 the pigeon-hole entrance, and reach over its 
 outwork, formed by the shutter, which let 
 down with two chains, that very few cups 
 of coffee came safe out of the melee ; and some 
 were even seen dancing high in the air, shoot- 
 ing up like rockets from the centre of the 
 throng, and discharging their contents upon 
 the heads of those below. Those who were 
 lucky enough to secure the roll retired imme- 
 diately into dark corners to eat it, amongst 
 a set of little boys, who always shrunk into 
 the obscure parts of the cloisters from sheer 
 timidity. 
 
 " Oh, here you are ! '"* exclaimed Gogsley, 
 coming suddenly upon Frederick, and dragging
 
 206 THE FORTUNES OF 
 
 him out of his ambush. " We Ve looking for 
 you. Now, you fellows, here 's the new boy." 
 
 There was a general cheer, and a rush to- 
 wards Frederick, and in an instant he was 
 caught up by a dozen different hands, and his 
 limbs pulled violently into as many directions, 
 as his captors carried him in triumph to the 
 end of the cloisters, and proceeded to the cere- 
 mony of installation by " bumping,'' turning 
 him into a human battering-ram against one 
 of the massive stone pillars that supported the 
 school-room. 
 
 At last they left their unresisting victim, 
 bruised, sprained, and crying, at the end of 
 the cloisters. He went and sat down upon 
 the door-sill of one of the master's robing- 
 rooms,* and wept bitterly. But he did not 
 remain long undisturbed. A boy came running 
 along the pavement with a tea-kettle, and, 
 catching sight of Freddy, poured a little boil- 
 ing water over his shoes by way of introduc- 
 tion, and then added, 
 
 * It is perhaps needless to tell the old Merchant Tailors 
 that this site is how occupied by the writing-school.
 
 THE SCATTERGOOD FAMILY. 207 
 
 " I say, weren't you on the first form this 
 morning ? " 
 
 " Yes, sir," rephed Frederick meekly, through 
 his tears. 
 
 " My eye ! won't you catch it then, that 's 
 all. You ought to be fagging in the school- 
 room. I 'd advise you to come up." 
 
 Unconscious what new style of persecution 
 awaited him, Freddy followed the other boy 
 up stairs, and entered the school- room, where 
 the monitors were at breakfast before the fire, 
 upon an extempore table formed by forms and 
 the masters' foot-stools. Some of the boys 
 were cleaning knives, others were washing tea- 
 things, and the rest engaged in similar menial 
 operations, calculated to have an equally bene- 
 ficial effect upon young minds. 
 
 " Oh ! you are the skulker, are you ? " asked 
 one of the monitors, a sullen-looking young 
 man in a white cravat. " Hold up your face." 
 
 '' Please, sir," exclaimed Frederick, " I did 
 not know — " 
 
 *' Hold up your face, sir ! " exclaimed the 
 other sharply. The terrified little boy obeyed
 
 208 THE FORTUNES OF 
 
 as a trained animal would have done, and the 
 monitor dealt him two terrific boxes on the 
 ear. " Now, then, make the toast," he added 
 sharply, as Freddy pressed his hands to his 
 cheeks, almost blistered by the assault. 
 
 It appeared far easier to give this order than 
 to carry it into effect ; for the fire-place was 
 surrounded by a large fender, or guard, of thick 
 iron wire, four or five feet high, and bars of 
 the same material across the top. Frederick 
 looked at this despairingly for a minute or two, 
 and then ventured to ask one of the other fags, 
 who was wiping a slop-basin, what he should do. 
 
 " You must climb up, and get inside," said 
 the boy. " You'll find it out soon enough.'"' 
 
 It was a large blazing fire, sufficiently fierce 
 to have roasted a sheep at. But Frederick 
 was compelled to take his toasting-fork, and 
 crept inside, where he remained, scorched and 
 smarting, until his task was accomplished. He 
 felt completely crushed ; and when he thought 
 of home again, how differently he would be 
 treated, and how Clara would have got him 
 a screen, if he only hinted at the warmth, his
 
 THE SCATTERGOOD FAMILY. 209 
 
 misery redoubled. Fright, however, made him 
 pay great attention to his task, and he suc- 
 ceeded in pleasing his tormentors, for which 
 the only return he got was a command always 
 to make the toast in future. 
 
 The monitors finished breakfast, and what 
 they left became the perquisites of the fags ; 
 in the same fashion as the scraps of a feast 
 would be given to so many animals. Before 
 the school was called again, the boy who had 
 taken Freddy's name down at the door, when 
 he returned with Gogsley's imposition, came 
 into the room. 
 
 " How many were late. Palmer ?''"' asked the 
 monitor. 
 
 *' Only one — a new boy," replied the other, 
 handing him a small slip of paper. " Scatter- 
 good." 
 
 "That's your name — isn't it.?" inquired 
 the monitor, addressing Frederick. 
 
 " Yes, sir." 
 
 " Very well. When the master comes in, 
 you will go up to him and be lick'd. That 's 
 all ; you may go."
 
 210 THE FORTUNES OF 
 
 Frederick turned away trembling, and took 
 his seat upon the first form, where he had 
 been placed in the morning. 
 
 " If this goes on," he thought, " I know 
 what I shall do. They will be very angry 
 if I went home without leave. I shall run 
 away.""
 
 THE SCATTeWoOD FAMILY. ^11 
 
 CHAPTER XV. 
 
 MR. FOGG LEAVKS LONDON, AND VINCENT MEETS WITH 
 MR. BOLT UPON TOWER HILL. 
 
 It did not take long for Mr. Fogg to arrange 
 affairs for his departure. The care of looking 
 after the products of his various plays in his 
 absence was left in the hands of the Dramatic 
 Authors'* Society, which is a pleasant institu- 
 tion for enjoying the luxuries of law at a small 
 expense, subscribing to defray the costs of liti- 
 gious members, and hunting country managers 
 into corners, from which they are unable either 
 to come out or come down, — a chase as ex- 
 citing in its progress, and generally as profitable 
 in its result, as that of a red herring. 
 
 On the afternoon following the receipt of 
 his letter, Mr. Fogg prepared to leave the 
 metropolis. His wardrobe was packed up in
 
 212 THE FORTUNES OF 
 
 a curiously ancient black portmanteau, similar • 
 to the one which comic travellers bring on the 
 stage with great toil, and then sit down upon, 
 in romantic melodramas. But, as his toilet 
 was not very extensive, the spare room was 
 filled up with prompters'* copies of unpublished 
 plays ; two or three damned farces, to be 
 brought out under new names in the country, 
 or, if that failed, to be turned into dialogue 
 stories for the magazines ; and a collection of 
 minor-theatre play-bills, with full programmes 
 of the scenery and incidents, for the provincial 
 typographers to copy from. The furniture and 
 "properties" of his chamber were left in the 
 care of the landlady of the house, who resided 
 in the back kitchen, to which Mr. Fogg usually 
 descended as if he bore a torch to soft music. 
 And then, about six in the evening, accom- 
 panied by Vincent, (who did not perform that 
 night, in consequence of a benefit, with a change 
 of pieces,) he gave up the key, and left his 
 abode; begging his hostess to bear in mind 
 "that an interval of six months might be 
 supposed to elapse between the departure and 
 the return."
 
 THE SCATTERGOOD FAMILY. 213 
 
 It was dark when they got to London Bridge, 
 where the steamboat, in whose fore-cabin Mr. 
 Fogg was to voyage to Yarmouth, was lying. 
 But there was a great deal of bustle ; for a 
 large foreign boat had just arrived, and was 
 discharging her load upon the lighters ; and 
 heavy porters came pressing forward, with " By 
 your leave,"" which they took without waiting 
 for an answer ; and foreign gentlemen, in re- 
 markable caps, clinging to leather hat-boxes, 
 as though all that was dear to them in exist- 
 ence was inclosed therein, vandyked with inde- 
 cision about the quay, as they tried to recollect 
 the name of the hotel in the " Place de Lester- 
 square," to which they had been recommended, 
 and to see if it was the same as the various 
 touters on the wharfs assured them it was. 
 
 Vincent went on board with Mr. Fogg, to 
 stay with him until the bell rang to go on 
 shore ; and the author forthwith took posses- 
 sion of his berth ; all of which resting-places to- 
 gether had somewhat the appearance of a double 
 row of continuous Punch's shows, both as regard- 
 ed size and drapery, which was of that popular
 
 214 THE FORTUNES OF 
 
 blue check familiar to the public. And, indeed, 
 after Mr. Fogg had been inducted to his roost- 
 ing-place by the steward's assistant, whom he 
 called " box-keeper,"" he found that the attitude 
 he was compelled to assume therein resembled 
 that of the facetious puppet, when thrown into 
 convulsions by the appearance of the ghost, 
 previously to informing his usual medical at- 
 tendant that he was very bad to-morrow. 
 
 " You will write to me, I hope," said Mr. 
 Fogg. " I shall be anxious to hear how you 
 get on, and what you are doing. I will send 
 you up the play-bills, and then you will know 
 where I am located.'"* 
 
 " I should be very glad to come to you,"*' 
 returned Vincent ; " for 1 do not see what 
 I shall do in London, especially when you 
 are gone. I appear to be as badly off as the 
 night I first came up to town."*' 
 
 " Take comfort, sir, and hope a better day,"" 
 continued the author. " You are entitled to 
 my lodgings until Wednesday ; for I have 
 paid up until then. And, after that, never 
 dowse your toplights, but brace up your fore-
 
 THE SCATTERGOOD FAMILY. 215 
 
 sail-halyards against the breakers of misfor- 
 tune, and drop hope's anchor in the haven of 
 happiness, which ever assists the bold mariner, 
 who never says die. Ah !'' resumed Mr. Fogg, 
 reverting from the present to the retrospective, 
 " I remember when that speech used to get 
 three rounds. Those were the pahny days for 
 the Shaksperian nautical drama ! "'"' 
 
 At length the voice of one of the crew 
 shouted down stairs, " Now, who 's for shore ?''* 
 in a manner that shewed the question was not 
 to be trifled with, unless people wished to be 
 carried off against their intentions. Vincent 
 shook Fogg warmly by the hand, and the 
 author was no less hearty in his farewell ; for 
 he had the heart of an infant, despite his love 
 of the terrible. And he even made a slight 
 allusion to the state of his lee- scuppers, for so 
 he called his eyes, as he parted from his friend ; 
 whilst the other left the steamer, and remained 
 upon the wharf until it had cast loose its moor- 
 ings, or whatever they were, and moved away 
 down the river. 
 
 It was soon out of sight in the dark evening,
 
 ^16 THE FORTUNES OF 
 
 and then Vincent, when he could watch it no 
 more, turned away. Nor did he find until 
 this moment that even the simple-hearted dra- 
 matist, who painted life without knowing it, 
 and abounded in the milk of human kindness, 
 whilst he revelled in the blood of unnatural 
 ferocity, — that this unit in the last census, 
 by his departure, had left a void too large 
 for the remaining millions to fill up, who were 
 bustling about, and crossing each other"'s path, 
 like so many ants, around him. 
 
 There is no solitude so terrible and dreary 
 as that felt in the very heart of a vast, uns)mi- 
 pathizing city, — nothing that gives an idea 
 of utter and chilling loneliness so forcibly as 
 being surrounded by crowds who know you 
 not, nor have one feeling or one interest in 
 common with your own. In the wilderness 
 of nature, the solitary island, the deep tranquil 
 forest, or even the dismal and trackless desert, 
 where but a few harsh and arid plants alone 
 thrust their thirsty heads above the sand to 
 drink the night-dews, there is still companion- 
 ship. Every product of the earth, every minute
 
 THE SCATTERGOOD FAMILY. 217 
 
 living thing that creeps upon it, or murmurs 
 on its course through the air, holds converse 
 with our mind, and in some measure becomes 
 a part and parcel of our being. But in the 
 peopled city, all around us bears an alien as- 
 pect ; we dare not therein look for company. 
 There is no more fellowship in the hearts of 
 those we meet than in the flinty pavement 
 they traverse. Their very presence estranges 
 those things from us in which — alone — we 
 might perhaps find a mute sympathy, and 
 teaches us they exist not for ourselves, but for 
 others. 
 
 Bitterly feeling these hard truths, Vincent 
 turned away from the wharf, and, perfectly 
 heedless of going in any particular direction, 
 wandered along Thames Street, until he came 
 to Tower Hill; and, as he strolled over its 
 open space, lost himself in a tangled labyrinth 
 of plans and speculations, each one to be put 
 aside by that which followed it, until his ideas 
 got into such an inextricable mass of confusion, 
 that Avith an effort he dismissed the elabora- 
 tion of the subject altogether; and, lighting 
 
 VOL. I. L
 
 218 THE FORTUNES OF 
 
 his pipe — his usual resource when perplexed or 
 irritated — he walked rapidly backwards and 
 forwards along the edge of the moat, endea- 
 vouring to wear away his mental anxiety by 
 bodily energy, to tranquillize himself, if not by 
 philosophy and self-reasoning, at least by ex- 
 haustion. 
 
 There are few places in England which pre- 
 serve so perfectly the aspect of an old conti- 
 nental town as Tower Hill and its surrounding 
 buildings, when viewed through the medium 
 of moonlight, sufficiently tempered to wrap its 
 more prominent objects in semi-obscurity, whilst 
 at the same time it permits the general outline 
 of the fortifications to be visible. The irregu- 
 lar buildings of the fortress itself, with lights 
 gleaming from small windows high in air, and 
 dim oil lamps flickering at wide intervals on 
 different portions of the outworks, — the open 
 expanse of the hill, with its borders of trees 
 before the houses, forming a rude species of 
 boulevard, assist in completing the picture ; and 
 so Vincent thought, as he gazed listlessly 
 around him. Every now and then the roll of
 
 THE SCATTERGOOD FAMILY. 219 
 
 a drum from the interior echoed along the ram- 
 parts, followed by the challenge of a sentinel ; 
 and occasionally indistinct sounds of music and 
 revelry broke from some of the taverns, where 
 a few mariners had assembled from their ves- 
 sels in the pool, to make merry, and get rid 
 of their hardly-earned payments as speedily 
 as might be. But beyond this there was little 
 noise ; for Tower Hill is not a great thorough- 
 fare, and towards evening is comparatively de- 
 serted, except by those whose interests lie 
 within its precincts. 
 
 As Vincent Scattergood leant against the 
 rails, and ruminated as he smoked, his eye 
 fell upon a little knot of people who had col- 
 lected against the raiUngs of Trinity Square, 
 and from whom bursts of laughter occasionally 
 broke upon the general stillness, as they ap- 
 parently listened to the harangue of a man, 
 before whom a red glaring light was burning, 
 which threw its shadows, not altogether un- 
 picturesquely, upon the assembled throng. As 
 he was in the humour to seize upon any inci- 
 dent, however trifling, that might divert his 
 
 l2
 
 220 THE FORTUNES OF 
 
 feeling's, he drew towards the assembled loiterers, 
 and was soon astonished at discovering that an 
 old acquaintance of his own was the object of 
 attraction. 
 
 For there, in front of a small covered ve- 
 hicle, something resembling those driven by the 
 HoUoway and Dulwich carriers, elevated upon 
 a platform laid across the shafts, which were 
 raised to a level by a rough trestle of rustic 
 workmanship, stood Mr. Cricket, otherwise, 
 and in worldly intercourse, Bolt. He was 
 haranguing the assembled crowd in praise of 
 the wares which stocked the interior of his 
 small vehicle, and this was a sort of bazaar 
 upon wheels, so numerous were its articles for 
 sale. Indeed, by looking at them, it would 
 have been a point of great difficulty to have 
 told precisely to what species of British manu- 
 facture Mr. Bolt especially confined his mer- 
 cantile exertions ; for there were waistcoats 
 and memorandum-books, guns, handkerchiefs, 
 and two-foot rules ; tea-trays, saws, and writ- 
 ing-paper ; pewter spoons, shaving-boxes, and 
 pocket tool-chests in such profusion, that the
 
 THE SCATTERGOOD FAMILY. 2^1 
 
 cart, which was called the " Noah's Ark," 
 really carried out its name, as being especially 
 constructed to hand specimens of everything 
 down to posterity. He was speaking as Vin- 
 cent approached his rostrum ; and, not caring 
 to interrupt him before his listeners, our hero 
 joined the group, and paid attention, along with 
 the rest, to his harangue. 
 
 " Now, come nearer,'" said Mr. Bolt, " and 
 then you won't be quite so far off : there 's 
 good people. You buy as slowly as lawyers 
 go to heaven, and that takes a long time for 
 'em to do. My father was a lawyer, and 
 went aloft in a hackney coach He 's been on 
 the road six months, and hasn't got half way 
 there yet. Now, why don't you buy this 
 teapot .f^" 
 
 " Because we haven't got the money," re- 
 plied a rash spectator, who directly afterwards 
 was very sorry he had spoken. 
 
 " I should say so," observed Mr. Bolt. " You 
 look as if you couldn't lay out a shilling with- 
 out giving your pocket a fortnight's notice of 
 it. I could get rid of my cargo twice as quick
 
 2^2 THE FORTUNES OF 
 
 in Sheffield, where they come from ; for, if 
 they haven't got the money to buy there, they've 
 got the pluck to steal, and you Ve got neither. 
 Well — you 're partikler. I '11 knock you down 
 with the butt-end of my nonsense now, though, 
 before I 've done with you." 
 
 And Mr. Bolt, retiring to the mysterious 
 depths of his caravan, came forward armed 
 with half-a-dozen dinner-knives and forks of 
 the best cast-iron. 
 
 " Here 's a bargain for ten pounds," he cried. 
 " They 're cheaper than mackarel at a penny 
 a dozen, and won't get bad if they 're kept, 
 which the mackarel will. I sold some hke 
 them to a great nobleman, named George, who 
 lives across the river. He 's got a farm, and 
 keeps three tom-cats, a billy-goat, and a but- 
 terfly, to do his work. He gives my brother 
 three guineas a-week to ride a black beetle 
 amongst the cabbages, and hunt the slugs. 
 If ten pounds is above your figure, take ten 
 shillings : if this won't do, take five — four — 
 three — two — one. Who's for 'em at one.'* 
 I can sell 'em for what I like, and be a
 
 THE SCATTERGOOD FAMILY. 22S 
 
 gainer, because they don't cost me anything 
 at first." 
 
 The knives and forks were rapidly pur- 
 chased, and Mr. Bolt, seeing that they stood 
 well in the market, took out six more. 
 
 " They were good ones I just sold," he said ; 
 " but these are better. Don't you know why ? 
 Because I have got them to sell. Buying 
 knives is like marrying women : you ought first 
 to try their temper. These are very good- 
 tempered, and wouldn't cut anything so as to 
 hurt it for the world. Perhaps you don't be- 
 lieve that 's a lie, but it is." 
 
 In this strain did Mr. Bolt continue for 
 some time to the great edification and delight 
 of his listeners, who might well have conceived 
 from his unceasing eloquence, that, coming from 
 the manufacturing districts, he had provided 
 himself with a pair of the best cast-iron lungs, 
 upon very moderate terms. But at length the 
 auction began to hang very heavily on hand, 
 in spite of all the seller's efforts to continue it 
 with proper spirit. He appealed to their libe- 
 rality, and insulted their poverty, but alike in
 
 224 THE FORTUNES OF 
 
 vain, until his stock of patter being exhausted' 
 even to repetition two or three times over, as 
 well as the pockets of the bystanders, he re- 
 commended them, if they were dissatisfied 
 with any of their bargains, not to come and 
 make any complaints before that time to-mor- 
 row, when they would be certain not to find 
 him ; and then proclaimed the sale closed for 
 the evening. 
 
 The people soon dispersed, and then Vincent 
 went up and addressed the auctioneer. He was 
 apparently in the habit of seeing so many differ- 
 ent people, under so many various phases, that 
 he did not at first recollect the person who 
 addressed him, until Vincent produced the dirty 
 public-house card which the other had given 
 him on the night they arrived together in 
 London. 
 
 " Why, to be sure — so it is, Mr. Vinson,'' 
 exclaimed the free-trader. " IVe been looking 
 forrards to hear of you this ever so long. And 
 what's been up since we parted co, as the 
 saying is .'^" 
 
 Vincent briefly related the upshot of his
 
 THE SCATTERGOOD FAMILY. 225 
 
 accidental meeting with Mr. Fogg, and then 
 went on to intimate to Bolt the various in- 
 definite notions he entertained as to what he 
 should do next. 
 
 " I told you once," replied the trader, 
 " there was a living to be got in London by 
 everybody, if they wasn't over-particular, and 
 know'd how to set about it.'" 
 
 " You appear to have found out the way." 
 
 " Well, I believe I have. This is about the 
 best hne of all, though." And he continued, 
 whilst he patted the shafts of his cart in the 
 same manner as he would have done a favourite 
 animal ; — " Of your honest dodges this is the 
 one ; when you comes to the others, they 're 
 promiscus. It 's through this you Ve heard so 
 much of me in the Times ; not by my paid 
 advertisements, but by their own private remarks 
 of the gentleman as writes the whole of that 
 wonderful paper every day, in the leading- 
 article. I Ve often thought how uncommon 
 'cute with his pen that codger must be. 
 Halloo, Sam !" 
 
 This last remark was addressed to a human 
 
 L 5
 
 226 THE FORTUNES OF 
 
 being, from whose appearance it would have 
 been difficult to tell whether he was a convict 
 or a charity-boy, and whom Vincent had 
 hitherto looked upon as a sack, as he lay coiled 
 up asleep in the back of the waggon. He started 
 from his sleep as he was called, and rubbing his 
 large, dull eyes, awaited Mr. Bolt's orders. 
 
 " Now, look sharp, old Ten-stone-and-a- 
 half," said the master. " Shut up the shop ; 
 and let me find it off the Commercial Road to- 
 morrow. — What do you mean to do with your- 
 self to-night ?" he added, turning to Vincent. 
 
 " Nothing : I am ready and willing to do 
 anything." 
 
 " Then come with me,"" answered the other ; 
 and if we do not find anything for you at 
 once, I '11 show you where you may at another 
 time." 
 
 So speaking, Mr. Bolt confided the Noah's 
 Ark to the care of the assistant, and accom- 
 panied by Vincent, proceeded across Little 
 Tower Hill.
 
 THE SCATTERGOOD FAMILY. ^2" 
 
 CHAPTER XVI. 
 
 frederick scattergood runs away from merchant 
 tailors'. 
 
 The first fortnight passed away without any 
 diminution of the persecuting tyranny to which 
 the Httle boy was subjected at the public 
 school. Every morning brought with it the 
 unrelenting cruelty of the monitors ; every day 
 the indiscriminating chastisement to which he 
 was subject. He was fagged in the school-room 
 during the hours that he was at the mercy of 
 his superior fellows ; he was bullied in the 
 cloisters by the other boys — even by those 
 younger than himself, who seeing his quiet and 
 inoffensive disposition, played off any cruelties 
 upon him that their evil spirits suggested ; 
 and at home, or rather at Mr. Snap's, be was
 
 228 THE FORTUNES OF 
 
 driven about by Gogsley upon the most menial 
 errands. 
 
 He wrote home, but it was generally upon 
 the sly, creeping down in the dreary gloom of 
 early morning, before the others had risen, 
 or sitting upon the steps of warehouses as 
 he went to school, that he might not be seen. 
 For the others read his letters, and made merry 
 with the contents, adding occasionally post- 
 scripts of their own, or taunting him afterwards 
 with the homely expressions of feeling and 
 affection which he gave utterance to therein. 
 But, lacking power to paint the troubles he 
 underwent in their true light, his epistles were 
 received by his family as the natural products 
 of a boy's discomfort at going to school for the 
 first time ; and, regarded merely in the abstract, 
 produced only replies meant, in all love, to be 
 consolatory, that Easter would soon arrive, and 
 that every day he would be happier. And 
 when he hinted at wishing to come home — if 
 for ever so short a time, a Sunday afternoon, or 
 an hour or two on the usual half-holidays al- 
 lowed by the school, the fear of his mother that
 
 THE SCATTERGOOD FAMILY. 229 
 
 such a visit would but unsettle him the more 
 upon his return (in which opinion Mr. Scatter- 
 good always warmly coincided, to save being 
 asked for his own), made him the more wretch- 
 ed, as it took away the brightest hope he 
 cherished. 
 
 It was a custom with several of the boys 
 who left the afternoon-school earlier than the 
 others, according to the order in which they 
 were called up to be heard, to go and play 
 upon the wharfs in the neighbourhood of Suf- 
 folk Lane, joining in hide-and-seek amongst the 
 casks, making up-and- downs with the timber, 
 or assisting the men to unload such things as 
 they could carry from the barges; and some- 
 times they joined in the more dangerous pas- 
 time, when the lighters were empty, of chasing 
 their fellows from one to the other, running 
 along the gunwales, and leaping over the 
 intervening spaces. A party of boys from one 
 of the neighbouring free-schools were in the 
 habit, also, of assembling at the same place, 
 and this led to frequent collisions between the 
 two parties, with all the acerbity of the " gown
 
 2S0 THE FORTUNES OF 
 
 and town " rows pertaining to a more advanced 
 academical career, until open war was pro- 
 claimed between the public-school-boys and the 
 " blackguards,"" as the others were termed by 
 the pupils of Merchant Tailors'. And at last 
 melees and single combats daily took place in 
 all the courts and lanes surrounding the school ; 
 and the single partisan of either clan, caught 
 by himself, had a sorry reception. 
 
 There is a peculiar festival held at Merchant 
 Tailors' School, termed " Probation Day."" It 
 is chiefly dedicated to breaking the windows 
 of the school -room, cutting the book-straps of 
 the little boys, pouring ink over their heads, 
 or spluttering it upon their lay-down collars, 
 and devouring a particular sort of sausage-roll, 
 manufactured expressly for the occasion. It 
 is also a day of commercial speculation, coupled 
 with the comfortable prospect of certain profits 
 to the heads of the academy, who become 
 for the time being retail stationers, and sell 
 copy-books of humble value to their pupils for 
 a shilling a-piece. In these are written Latin 
 and Greek exercises, which become the sole
 
 THE SCATTERGOOD FAMILY. 231 
 
 property of oblivion, wherein also the copy- 
 right is vested. And on those especial days 
 less faith than usual appears to be placed in 
 the school-clock, which keeps time below the 
 imposing arms, with their rampant dromedaries, 
 at the end of the room, and their very appro- 
 priate motto, '^ ParviE res concordid crescunt,'''* 
 or, in proper vernacular, " Nine tailors make 
 a man ;" for the clock is then completely out 
 of favour, and a silver hour-glass is introduced, 
 which performs gymnastic feats upon the head- 
 master's desk, tumbling head over heels at 
 stated intervals, (announced by the rap of a 
 hammer, similar to those used by chairmen of 
 convivial taverns, and auctioneers in the Poul- 
 try,) before the time of day is given out in 
 wonderfully elaborate mouthfuls of words, which 
 complicate the simple period "three o'clock"" 
 into " hord tertid et ultimd pomeridiand.'^'* Le- 
 gends, impressed upon the juvenile pupils with 
 due gravity, go to prove that this hour-glass 
 is in the yearly habit of laying a number of 
 egg-boilers, which are disposed of through the 
 medium of the wheels of Fortune, at the lounges
 
 232 THE FORTUNES OF 
 
 of Lowther and Tulley; and the gigantic 
 ancestor of the whole race is shown to awe- 
 struck freshmen, sculptured in stone on an 
 immense scale, and elevated in front of a pub- 
 lic^house for the sale of Calvert's Entire, which, 
 situated on the southern side of Upper Thames 
 Street, appears in solitary majesty to watch 
 over the time misspent in the opposite Suffolk 
 Lane. 
 
 The real importance of this day is not known : 
 when it is over, the books are collected, and 
 are apparently seen no more. But the scholars 
 evidently think it one of great toil and un- 
 pleasantry; for no sooner has the last orison 
 of the evening prayers fallen from the lips of 
 the boy whose duty it is to repeat them for 
 the day, than its echoes are crushed by a 
 loud and long huzza, in lieu of response, which 
 resounds for some minutes through the courts 
 and startled warehouses of the vicinity^ arrest- 
 ing the passengers, who look up towards the 
 school-room windows for a solution of the mys- 
 tic noise, and are greeted in return by showers 
 of broken glass from the book-assailed case-
 
 THE SCATTERGOOD FAMILY. 2SS 
 
 ments, and in another moment by the outburst 
 of whooping, turbulent youths from the in- 
 terior. 
 
 Probation Day was over, and Frederick 
 Scattergood went down to the wharfs to play 
 with some of his fellows in the interval between 
 the close of the school and tea-time at the 
 Reverend Mr. Snap's. The boys, who had 
 broken forth like so many caged animals, were 
 elate with the conclusion of their labours ; and, 
 upon arriving at the water-side, finding that 
 some of the free-school lads had taken pos- 
 session of the tubs and bales amongst which 
 they usually played, prepared to eject them. 
 The others, entertaining different ideas upon 
 the subject, resisted the attack, and in two 
 minutes both parties were engaged in a regu- 
 lar contest. 
 
 Some of the younger and more timid boys 
 took to flight at the commencement of the 
 hostilities, and amongst them was Frederick ; 
 but, just as he was running out of the gateway 
 leading from the wharf, he was met by a party 
 of the antagonists ; and, driving him into a
 
 234> THE FORTUNES OF 
 
 corner, they immediately set upon him in a 
 very savage and cowardly manner, striking 
 him about the head and face, until his upper 
 lip and ears were covered with blood. It was 
 perfectly useless attempting to resist them. 
 He shielded himself from their attacks as long 
 as he was able, and at last seizing upon an op- 
 portunity, darted off towards the river, with the 
 whole pack huzzaing and shouting at his heels. 
 Scared almost out of his senses, he ran down 
 a plank, used by the men who were unlading, 
 on to one of the barges. The free-school boys 
 followed him, now more delighted at the ex- 
 treme terror of their victim, than anxious to 
 beat him. The poor little fellow scrambled 
 from one barge to the other, until he came to 
 the last of those which lay together, when, 
 running along the edge of it to reach a spot 
 where some of the Merchant Tailors had col- 
 lected in triumph, having beaten off their ad- 
 versaries, his foot slipped, and he tumbled over 
 head and ears into the water. 
 
 In an instant the alarm was given, and the 
 boys, ceasing their hostiUties, crowded to the
 
 THE SCATTERGOOD FAMILY. 235 
 
 edge of the river, calling loudly for help ; for 
 the tide was running down very fast, and Fre- 
 derick was being already carried into the cur- 
 rent, now struggling, and throwing his arms 
 out for assistance, and the next moment sink- 
 ing beneath the surface. Fortunately there 
 was a man at work in a boat by the side of 
 one of the lighters, and he directly put off 
 after him, and succeeded before another minute 
 had elapsed in saving him, returning to the 
 wharf amidst the cheers of the boys, who had 
 forgotten all their quarrels in the excitement 
 of the accident. 
 
 But the mirth was of very short duration. 
 One of the masters, who had received intelli- 
 gence of the uproar on the wharf when it first 
 began, had hastened down to the water-side, 
 determined to stop it. He arrived there just 
 as poor Freddy was taken from the boat, 
 dripping wet, and still bleeding ; for the bath 
 had been insufficient to wash away the results 
 of the chastisement he had received. Ascer- 
 taining that the accident had been the result 
 of a conflict with the lads of the free-school,
 
 286 THE FORTUNES OF 
 
 and no doubt looking upon little Scattergood 
 as the ringleader, he took down his name, and, 
 ordering the rest of the boys to disperse, told 
 Frederick to get home and seek fresh clothing 
 directly, and bear in mind that he should 
 expect to see him at school on the next morn- 
 ing that it opened. 
 
 " Well," said Gogsley to him that evening, 
 as the boarders were once more assembled 
 round Mr. Snap's hearth, " I would not change 
 places with you for a week'*s holiday. You 
 won't have an inch of skin left on your back. 
 Don't he cut deep when he has a mind ? — that's 
 all." 
 
 " I was not fighting at all," rephed Frede- 
 rick. " It was in trying to get away that it 
 happened." 
 
 " Oh, yes, of course : you are always inno- 
 cent ; I should think so," said Gogsley. 
 " Hold out your hand for telling crams." 
 
 " No, I won't," answered Frederick, for 
 once revolting against such continued bullying, 
 and putting both his hands in his pockets. 
 
 "You won't!" observed Gogsley; "very
 
 THE SCATTERGOOD FAMILY. 237 
 
 well."" And gravely taking his handkerchief 
 from his pocket, he twisted it into a thong, 
 and tied it in the middle in a double knot. 
 
 "Now, come here,'"* he continued, when 
 these preparations for torture were completed. 
 " Cashbox, hold down his head." 
 
 This order was given to young Jollit, who 
 was too much in dread of Gogsley, not to obey 
 him immediately. 
 
 " Hold it down lower," cried the tyrant, 
 ** and make his clothes tight. Now, then — 
 one, two, three — fire !" 
 
 At the last word he struck Freddy so vio- 
 lently with the knot, that a scream of pain 
 broke from the victim, so loud, as to make 
 his persecutor desist, for fear of alarming Mr. 
 Snap. 
 
 " That will make you speak the truth," said 
 , Gogsley. " Now, leave off blubbering, or else 
 I shall hck you again. Do you hear me ? — 
 leave off, I say." 
 
 " Vd recommend you to put a copy-book up 
 your back," said Plunkett, " if you can't stand 
 fire better than that ; for you will be sure to
 
 238 THE FORTUNES OF 
 
 catch it pretty tidily at the school. Rasper 
 bought such a bundle of thick canes yesterday !" 
 
 " Canes !" said Gogsley ; "he won't get off 
 so easily. You '11 be birched ; I suppose you 
 know that ; and have bits cut right out of 
 you." 
 
 The arrival of bed-time put a stop to this 
 ingenious course of torture. But Frederick did 
 not go to sleep. In an agony of pain, excite- 
 ment, and terrible anticipations, until he lay 
 fevered and quivering in the bed, provoking 
 endless remonstrances and cuffs from Plunkett 
 for his restlessness, he heard every quarter 
 from the gloomy chimes of St. Paul's for the 
 greater part of the night. He knew what a 
 severe punishment awaited him if he remained ; 
 and yet he did not dare to go home, because he 
 was certain that his father would send him 
 back again directly. At last he determined to 
 run away, — he scarcely could tell whither, but 
 stay at the school any longer he would not. 
 
 The next day was a holiday, but the pupils 
 were allowed by Mr. Snap to go out in the 
 afternoon. There was a mountebank exhibiting
 
 THE SCATTERGOOD FAMILY. 239 
 
 in one of the small thoroughfares near the 
 house, and the hoys stopped to look at him. 
 This attracted their attention, and Frederick, 
 taking advantage of it, crept through the 
 crowd, slipped up an adjoining court, and was 
 soon out of their sight. 
 
 He ran quickly along two or three lanes^ 
 until he found himself at the Mansion House. 
 And now which way was he to go ? He had 
 only threepence in his pocket, his weekly al- 
 lowance, which had just been given to him, 
 and this would not help him much upon any road. 
 Whichever way he journeyed must be on foot. 
 At last he recollected when his family lived in 
 Essex, that he used to come to town along 
 Whitechapel whenever they visited London; 
 and this decided him upon going in that direc- 
 tion. Vague enough, to be sure, were his ideas 
 of the country beyond that thoroughfare ; but, 
 next to Boulogne, there was no other direction 
 in which he knew a soul. Indeed, with him 
 these two localities were the world. 
 
 The clock struck three as he started off 
 along Cornhill. It was a fine bright afternoon :
 
 240 THE FORTUNES OF 
 
 warm, too, for the time of year. People had 
 left their great-coats at home for the first time, 
 and walked about with cheerful faces. Gay 
 ribbons and light fabrics in the windows of the 
 drapers peeped out from amongst the more 
 sober articles, like snowdrops from the dull, 
 wintry ground. Weathercocks gleamed in the 
 sunlight against the blue sky ; long trucks of 
 crisp fragrant heath and tinted daisies, redolent 
 of country odours, appeared to supplant the 
 sickly hyacinths on the window-sills. Travel- 
 lers forsook the interiors of omnibuses, and 
 climbed the roof, to the great joy of the drivers, 
 legended to pocket all fees therefrom derived. 
 Frugal housekeepers began to think of letting 
 their fires out in the middle of the day, and 
 dreamt of coloured willow shavings and elabo- 
 rate dissections of many-nicked silver paper, to 
 the great detriment of that trade which Mr. 
 Chicksand afi'ected to be a wholesale specu- 
 lator in. Everything appeared looking forward 
 to the spring ; and perhaps everything turned 
 out very delusive, even the next morning, as 
 pleasant anticipations usually do.
 
 THE SCATTERGOOD FAMILY. 241 
 
 Freddy felt at liberty, but at the same 
 time terrified at his freedom ; he was as em- 
 barrassed as a loose canary ; and when he col- 
 lected sufficient courage to ask a waterman at a 
 cab-stand the way to Whitechapel, and the 
 waterman looked at him with a glance which 
 none but ogres in story-book woodcuts ever have 
 been known to assume, with the exception of 
 the terrible Turks who roll their eyes in move- 
 able magic-lantern slides, and said, " he hoped 
 as he wasn't the little boy that all the news- 
 papers said had run away from school," he was 
 so frightened, that he determined at all risks 
 to pursue his indefinite journey as well as he 
 could by guessing, rather than again submit to 
 such a thrilling intimation. 
 
 He remembered the butchers' sheds in the 
 High Street ; because, when a very little boy, 
 he used to gaze at them from the coach-win- 
 dows as he came into London, and wondered 
 whether there were enough people in the world 
 to eat all the legs of mutton that hung in 
 endless rows from their penthouses. So this 
 assured him that he was going in the right 
 
 VOL. I. M
 
 242 THE FORTUNES OF 
 
 direction ; and he walked on and on, until 
 the road widened, and the footpath became 
 broad and unpaved, towards which houses 
 pushed out shops from their ground-floors ; 
 and here and there little bits of dirty turf, 
 which had been apparently planted with birch- 
 brooms pulled to pieces, tried to look like gar- 
 dens. Then came a tract of country covered 
 with nothing else but almshouses and hospitals, 
 sometimes broken by a dingy enclosure of 
 mouldy grass, "to let on a building lease,'** in 
 the centre of which a dismal cow was gradually 
 starving ; next, more rows of dwellings, with a 
 public-house at each extremity; and then again 
 fields, larger and broader, with attempts at trees 
 and hedges, but still encompassed by formal 
 rows of buildings, warehouses with open walls, 
 letting in the air upon unknown productions, 
 and chimneys from which black smoke was 
 vomited continually. Sundays, week-days, or 
 holidays — morning, noon, and night, it came 
 forth just the same. 
 
 The afternoon was declining as he reached 
 Bow, and the sun was throwing its latest beams
 
 THE SCATTERGOOD FAMILY. 243 
 
 upon the tower of the old church, before it 
 retired for the night beneath the orange- 
 coloured vapour that hung over London. And 
 now, for the first time, Frederick began to con- 
 sider what he was to do when night came. He 
 was already rather tired ; not so much so but 
 he could have walked some miles further, 
 if needed ; still he knew that he must ul- 
 timately knock up, and then where was he to 
 look for shelter ? He had not money enough 
 to procure a bed. Indeed, if he had possessed 
 sufficient, he would have been afraid of ap- 
 plying for one. 
 
 He was getting hungry, too His persecu- 
 tions and misery had taken away his appetite 
 at dinner, but the walk had restored it with 
 double sharpness ; so, after dusting his shoes, 
 that attention might not be called to them, 
 he ventured into a chandler's shop, and pur- 
 chased a small piece of cheese. He thought 
 the woman who served him looked suspiciously 
 at him, as if, in fact, she was perfectly aware 
 that he had come that afternoon from school, 
 and was going on with very undefined notions 
 
 M 2
 
 244 THE FORTUNES OF 
 
 of his journey. He next bought a roll at an 
 adjoining baker's, and, keeping both these 
 things in his pocket, he picked pieces oiF and eat 
 them as he went along, which diverted him until 
 he reached Stratford, where the road divided. 
 
 It was now nearly dusk, and he was per- 
 fectly undecided which thorouglifare to follow. 
 There were direction-posts to each ; but it was 
 too dark to see them, and he was afraid to 
 ask anybody where either of them led to ; so 
 that, in great trouble, he sat down upon the 
 stonework of the churchyard rails, and almost 
 cried for very perplexity. 
 
 He began to think that he had done very 
 wrong in leaving the school, and wondered 
 what they were doing at that moment at Mr. 
 Snap's, and how the discovery of his flight 
 had affected the establishment. Then he sup- 
 posed they would send home to see if he was 
 there, — perhaps they had done so already. 
 And what trouble that would put them in, not 
 knowing where he was ! Poor Clara, who was 
 always so kind to him, and his mother. Oh ! 
 it was very terrible !
 
 THE SCATTERGOOD FAMILY. 245 
 
 He would have gone back ; but the dread 
 of being taken again to the quarters he had 
 just quitted drove the idea from his mind. 
 He must go on, but whither ? How comfort- 
 able, he thought, everybody around him ap- 
 peared ; for they all knew where they were 
 going to sleep. Even the old woman at the 
 fruit-stall close to the inn must have some- 
 where, however humble the lodging was, to 
 go to ; and the man who was cleaning the 
 omnibus before the door was sure of a truss 
 of hay in the loft, if he had nothing else. 
 Next he formed a plan of getting inside the 
 omnibus when it got quite dark, and staying 
 there all night. But soon the horses were 
 led out, and harnessed to it ; and, after it had 
 loitered in front of the inn for half an hour, 
 to the great edification of the solitary passenger, 
 who had been assured that it was ffoinof di- 
 rectly, it started off for town. 
 
 At length the little boy got up again, and 
 pursued his way, taking the left-hand road upon 
 the decision of his remaining penny, with wliich 
 he tossed heads and tails, to see which route
 
 216 THE FORTUNES OF 
 
 was best for him to follow ; and, getting nerv- 
 ously excited, he propounded oracular questions 
 to himself respecting the successful termination 
 of his enterprise, taking his answers from the 
 first names or letters he saw over the shops. 
 
 " Shall I be happ} by to-morrow morning ?" 
 he inquired. *' If the first letter on the next 
 shop is O, that shall mean no; and if it is 
 an S, j/e*.'"* He got up to the shop, and looked 
 at the name : it was Wood ; and this dis- 
 comfort of his own creating depressed him 
 more than anything else. But he went on 
 with desperation, biting his under lip, and 
 clenching his hand until his nails left their 
 marks deeply impressed upon his small palms. 
 
 When he got to Leytonstone, lights were 
 gleaming from the windows of the different 
 dwellings, and through some of them he caught 
 glimpses of people comfortably seated at tea 
 in snug parlours. The public-houses, too, 
 looked cheerful, as the bright fires within shone 
 through their red blinds. He was exceedingly 
 thirsty with worry, and somewhat fatigued, 
 and he ventured into one of them for half a
 
 THE SCATTERGOOD FAMILY. 247 
 
 pint of porter, which cost him his remaining 
 coin. 
 
 " You look pale, little master,'* said the land- 
 lord, who was a good-tempered-looking i^an, 
 with a green cut-away coat and a red face — a 
 perfect mixture of the natural and conventional 
 host. *' Aren't you well ?" 
 
 " Yes, sir,""' replied Freddy, forcing a smile, 
 and trying to look pleasant. *' I 'm very well, 
 only a little tired. I ''ve walked from Lon- 
 don." 
 
 " And where are you going to ?" asked the 
 man. 
 
 This was a terrible question to answer. 
 Freddy looked down upon the ground as his 
 face turned scarlet, and crumpling up the corner 
 of his jacket into his hand, said in a low, tre- 
 mulous voice, " that he was going home." Tiit- 
 tle people have a great deal of art, but never 
 the tact to conceal it. 
 
 " I fear they don't expect you to-night ex- 
 actly," observed the landlord gravely. "Where- 
 abouts is your home ?''"' 
 
 " Romford," answered the little boy, hazard-
 
 248 THE FORTUxNES OF 
 
 ing one of the few names he knew in the 
 county. 
 
 " Well, but this is not the road to Romford, 
 you know," replied the other ; " this goes 
 to Wanstead. How did you get here ?'' 
 
 " I 'm afraid I mistook the way, sir," said 
 Frederick, with great humility. 
 
 " Ah ! I 'm afraid you have," observed the 
 landlord, shaking his head. " Wait a minute ; 
 I think there 's a cart in my yard going to 
 Romford before long. I '11 go and see ; and 
 if there is, the man shall take you." 
 
 The host left the bar, and went into the 
 tap-parlour, where several people were drink- 
 ing. The instant his head was turned, Frede- 
 rick stayed no longer, but slipped out of the 
 door, and ran up the road as fast as his legs 
 would carry him. 
 
 He sped on until he was out of breath, and 
 then he ventured to look around him. He had 
 left the town, and was getting into the open 
 country. It was starlight, and he could see 
 that he was coming near what was apparently 
 a forest. Under other circumstances he would
 
 THE SCATTERGOOD FAMILY. 249 
 
 have been afraid to venture alone, and at even- 
 ing, upon its outskirts ; but his alarm at being 
 found out, and sent back to Mr. Snap's, — 
 never reflecting that such a thing could not 
 occur unless by his own information, — drove 
 him on to seek refuge in its coverts. He 
 struck out of the road to the right ; and, neg- 
 lecting in his anxiety to study any objects 
 that might lead him back again, in five minutes 
 had completely lost his way amidst a wilder- 
 ness of large trunks of trees, holly-bushes, and 
 evergreen shrubs. 
 
 Fear, however, now regained its ascendancy, 
 and as soon as he perceived his situation he 
 cried aloud. There was no answer ; a dull 
 echo followed the sound of his voice, and then 
 nothing was heard but the gurgling of a little 
 spring that tumbled over some pebbles almost 
 at his feet. There was just light enough for 
 him to distinguish a hollow and large beech- 
 tree close to where he had stopped ; and creep- 
 ing into the trunk, he coiled himself up Hke a 
 dormouse. He was concealed ; of that then* 
 was no doubt. But where was he ? In the
 
 250 THE FORTUNES OF 
 
 miclclle of a forest, which his imagination con- 
 jured into one of those shocking woods where 
 young princes and ruined merchants always 
 got lost on the same night they left their homes, 
 before discovering some wonderful castles in- 
 habited by beasts, white cats, or sleeping- 
 beauties. In the middle of such a forest ; at 
 night, and alone ! 
 
 Anon the terrible usurped the place of the 
 fairy interest with which he endowed it. He 
 thought of sad murders that had been com- 
 mitted, where the bodies had been buried be- 
 neath a tree, which became the haunt of un- 
 holy spirits ever after, and threw its scathed and 
 blasted limbs on high, as if appealing to hea- 
 ven to lay open the dreadful secret it inclosed 
 amidst its roots. Then he thought that this 
 was just such a tree, without bark or leaves, 
 with long, gaunt branches ; perhaps there might 
 have been a murder there — who could tell ? 
 and the body was rotting beneath him. Some 
 of the evergreens, too, as they bent their top- 
 most branches to the night-breeze against the 
 star-lit sky, looked like the wailing ghosts of
 
 ♦ t
 
 THE SCATTERGOOD FAMILY. 251 
 
 the departed. And next came back a keen 
 recollection of the only corpse he had ever seen, 
 that of an old servant, who had died when he 
 was very little ; and he fancied a piece of 
 withered timber lying on the ground a little 
 way off looked like it. He called back the 
 dreary sight in all its terrible particulars. The 
 curtains drawn, and the obscure light of the 
 room, so awfully imbued with the presence of 
 the dead ; how he was told to touch the body, 
 that it might not frighten him at night ; how 
 cold and strange it felt ! And how, in spite of 
 the precaution, it always appeared with the dusk 
 before him ; how long it lay by his side in bed, 
 as he quailed and shivered beneath the clothes 
 at the grim phantom ; and how dreadful a thing 
 death was, that changed a being he had loved 
 to his most shocking punishment. All these 
 ideas rose before him in frightful images, and 
 well-nigh turned his brain with terror. They 
 were not the spectres of the imagination. He 
 saw them palpably, hideously before him. 
 There was not a shrub or pollard but appeared, 
 in the gloom, endowed with some appalling 
 semblance.
 
 252 THE FORTUNES OF 
 
 Gradually, however, their forms became less 
 distinct, as intense fatigue usurped the place 
 of terror, and he fell into that state between 
 waking and sleeping, when the attributes of 
 either condition are equally confused one with 
 the other. He thought he was at home, and 
 yet it was in the middle of the forest ; and 
 Clara spoke to him in the tree, so plainly, that 
 he started to hear her. And suddenly Gogs- 
 ley laid hold of him, and pulled him along the 
 roof of the school to the very edge, where he 
 let him fall ; upon which he awoke suddenly 
 in affright. But at last everything faded 
 away ; and, worn out with fatigue and ap- 
 prehension, he became alike heedless of cold, 
 hunger, or fear, and fell fast asleep.
 
 THE SCATTERGOOD FAMILY. 253 
 
 CHAPTER XVII. 
 
 WHICH REVERTS TO THE CHICKSAND COLONY, AND ITS 
 
 INMATES. 
 
 If there was one day more than another 
 upon which Mrs. Chicksand gave way to the 
 ebulhtions of an irritable temperament, it was 
 on Monday mornings, when she ascended with 
 Lisbeth into her own room, and made a hay- 
 cock of dirty things in the middle of it ; at 
 the same time constructing a statistical table, or 
 *' list to be retained," by entering the articles 
 in a printed book, chiefly remarkable for con- 
 taining the names of everything nobody ever 
 wore or used ; or accompanying the process 
 by a running commentary, from which listeners, 
 had there been any, might have gleaned much 
 information relative to the social economy of 
 her lodgers. 
 
 " Why, my goodness, what is that ?" ex-
 
 254 THE FORTUNES OP 
 
 claimed Mrs. Chicksand, as Lisbeth, after diving 
 into a large ticking-bag, until she was almost as 
 completely hidden in it as a bee in a blue-bell, 
 pulled out a round towel, and sent it across the 
 room, like a flying serpent, towards the heap. 
 
 "That makes four this week 'm," replied 
 Lisbeth ; " I told Mr. Bodle you 'd be in a 
 way about it." 
 
 "Mr. Bodle must amuse himself by sweeping 
 his own chimney with my towels," said Mrs. 
 Chicksand. " What can make them in such 
 a mess ? " 
 
 " He 's trying to turn all the black-lead into 
 diamunts," replied the handmaiden. 
 
 "Diamonds, indeed !'' exclaimed Mrs. Chick- 
 sand, with a toss of her head. " I wish he 'd 
 turn a little money into his pockets, instead. 
 Well, of all the dirty — filthy — no, I never did ! 
 Diamonds, indeed ! Mr. Bodle will never 
 make anything else but a great fool of himself. 
 I did say I never would have professionals to 
 lodge with me again ; and, when he goes, I 
 never will." 
 
 And at that instant Mrs. Chicksand made
 
 THE SCA.TTERGOOD FAMILY. 255 
 
 an inward vow that the following week she 
 would charge Mr. Bodle with two-pennyworth 
 of milk he had never had, to balance her ex- 
 penditure. She had learned this clever piece 
 of domestic economy from her father, who once 
 kept a large hotel, and made it a rule when- 
 ever anything was broken which he did not 
 get paid for, to charge his inmates all round 
 with a sheet of writing-paper the next day, 
 which, by thus retailing a quire, covered the 
 loss. Mrs. Chicksand was a worthy descend- 
 ant of this talented man. It was wonderful 
 what a lot of watercresses Mr. Snarry devoured 
 during the summer, without knowing it. And, 
 independently of Mr. Bodle's endeavours to es- 
 tablish diamond-mines in the black-lead box, 
 had he given himself up entirely to smelting 
 iron-ore in blast furnaces, the sixpenny scuttles 
 would not have told up more fearfully than 
 they did, whenever his account got a few days 
 past recollection. 
 
 " Bless me !" cried Mrs. Chicksand, as Lis- 
 beth added another article to the heap, " why, 
 what the goodness is that ?"*'
 
 ^56 THE FORTUNES OF 
 
 " Them 's ink, ma'am," replied the servant, 
 holding up a counterpane, which looked as if 
 it had been used as blotting-paper to a very 
 large letter. " That 's Mr. Bodle again — writ- 
 ing in bed." 
 
 " And how dares Mr. Bodle write in bed .?" 
 resumed Mrs. Chicksand. " How dares he do 
 it.?" 
 
 " I told him you'd make a noise," said Lis- 
 beth. " He says he must, because he has 
 moments of perspiration o He 's been at it 
 again." 
 
 And in corroboration, Lisbeth displayed a 
 pillow-case, upon which was the undeniable 
 impression of some remarkable theme with 
 variations, intended at some future time to 
 astonish the week wires of the six-octave 
 square. 
 
 " This decides me, then," said Mrs. Chick- 
 sand wrathfully, venting her anger upon the list 
 she was completing, by running her steel pen 
 through it. 
 
 " I have never had my things in such a state 
 before since Mr. Brooks had the second floor —
 
 THE SCATTERGOOD FAMILY. 25 i 
 
 that gentleman who walked the hospitals, and 
 ran in debt." 
 
 " One, two, three, four," said Lisbeth, count- 
 ing up some towels. " I Ve heard master talk 
 of him, ma'am." 
 
 " A troublesome fellow !" continued the mis- 
 tress. " I Ve known him forget to undress 
 himself, and go to bed in his boots twice run- 
 ning. He went away at last, but we 'd a world 
 of trouble to get rid of him." 
 
 " Had you, now, 'm ?" asked the servant, 
 who perceived Mrs. Chicksand was suffering 
 from an accession of communicativeness, which 
 excitement generally induced. 
 
 " I rather think we had," replied Mrs. 
 Chicksand : " let me see — four towels. He 
 gave a party the evening before he left, and his 
 friends stay'd all night. When they went in 
 the morning, they rammed bits of tobacco-pipes 
 into all the keyholes of the house." 
 
 " Dear me !" observed Lisbeth, with an ex- 
 pression of alarm. " And how did the other 
 families get out of their rooms ?" 
 
 " There it was," said Mrs. Chicksand ;
 
 ^o8 THE FORTUNES OF 
 
 "they couldn't. Mr. Chicksand was obliged 
 to go for the fire-escapes, and let them down 
 into the street out of the windows. I never 
 shall forget it as long as I 'm born — no, I 
 never shall. What capital things those escapes 
 are when a house isnH on fire !" 
 
 The enumeration of washables had nearly 
 concluded, and Lisbeth gathered them up into 
 one enormous bundle, to be kicked down stairs 
 before her into the passage, and there wait 
 until the man called, 
 
 " Now, mind what I say,'' remarked the 
 mistress. " I won't have Mr. Bodle take any 
 more jack-towels to make diamonds of. If he 
 asks for one, tell Jiim I say that he sha'n't have 
 it, unless it's to hang himself with. Then perhaps 
 he '11 be oiFended, and go, Ah ! I hear you." 
 
 The last words were playfully addressed to 
 nothing in particular, but intended to apply to 
 Mr. Bodle, from whose room proceeded musical 
 sounds of an elaborated and continuous nature 
 that showed the piano to be in the last stage of 
 suffering, and by its violent internal grumbling 
 led people to think involuntarily of tincture of
 
 THE SCATTERGOOD FAMILY. 259 
 
 rhubarb, bottles of hot water, and powdered 
 ginger. 
 
 As Mrs. Chicksand descended the staircase, 
 Clara met her at the drawing-room door, and 
 asked her to step in for an instant. The 
 hostess immediately acquiesced in the wish. 
 Mr. and Mrs. Scattergood were both from 
 home, and Clara was a great favourite with 
 Mrs. Chicksand, so she anticipated a long 
 talk, which she was ever ready to indulge 
 in. 
 
 But this conversation was not of a particu- 
 larly diverting nature. After a few domestic 
 inquiries respecting the state of the larder, and 
 the probable store of bread in the safe, Clara 
 told the landlady that she thought the bill 
 might be put up again for one of the bed- 
 rooms ; and she said this with such a melan- 
 choly expression, that it induced Mrs. Chick- 
 sand to hope nothing unpleasant was about to 
 happen. 
 
 " Oh, no," replied Clara ; " at least I hope 
 not. But I shall be able to tell you more 
 about it when papa and mamma return."
 
 260 THE FORTUNES OF 
 
 "Have you heard of Master Frederick lately, 
 miss ?" inquired ^Irs. Chicksand. 
 
 " Oh, poor little fellow, yes," returned Clara. 
 " He wrote yesterday ; but I am afraid he is 
 very unhappy. It was a sad, gloomy letter, 
 filled with wishes to come home. I must get 
 mamma to go and see him." 
 
 " Everybody has their troubles, miss, as I 
 tell Mr. Chicksand, when the wooden pegs in 
 his boots run into his heels. There ""s skeletons 
 in everybody's houses, only they don't show 
 them to visitors. I 'm sure I have enough to 
 put up with." 
 
 " I suppose your lodgers sometimes give 
 you a little uneasiness," observed Clara, feel- 
 ing called upon to make some sort of re- 
 mark. 
 
 " No living soul can tell but ^ir. C. and me, 
 no more than nothing that ever was," answered 
 Mrs. Chicksand. " I shall never forget the 
 foreign gentleman, who took this very room in 
 which we stand, and gave a reference to a high 
 French nobleman, whose house we could not 
 find. To think, one day he ordered a broiled
 
 THE SCATTERGOOD FAMILY. 261 
 
 mackarel when he went out, and never came 
 back again; but took away my husband's blue 
 macintosh and the sugar-tongs." 
 
 " But did he not leave any luggage ?" in- 
 quired Clara. 
 
 " He said it had to come through the Cus- 
 tom-house ; but, as it never came, we suppose 
 it was too large. And when I recollect that 
 very day I shewed the second-floor to Mr. 
 Snarry, with a bursting heart, at ten shillings 
 a~week, who took the mackarel off my hands, 
 and has occupied it ever since. A nice gentle- 
 man Mr. Snarry is, miss, and often asks 
 about you." 
 
 " I am very much obliged to him for his 
 attention," replied Clara. " He appears a quiet 
 well-conducted person." 
 
 " Oh, but he 's full of fun, miss ; full of 
 fun, though you wouldn't think it," replied 
 Mrs. Chicksand, as if she thought Clara had 
 spoken reproachfully of him. " What I says 
 is, that you may soon know the real gentle- 
 man by what he eats," continued the land- 
 lady. "For vulgar people pinch and screw,
 
 262 THE FORTUNES OF 
 
 and starve on chops alone ; but well-born 
 lodgers love a joint, and never see it twice." 
 And, delivering herself of these opinions, 
 Mr. Chicksand released the door-handle from 
 its five minutes of bondage in her hand, and 
 went down stairs.
 
 THE SCATTERGOOD FAMILY. 263 
 
 CHAPTER XVIII. 
 
 VINCENT IS LED BY MR. BOLT TO THE EDGE OF A PRECIPICE. 
 
 In a few minutes' time from leaving the hill, 
 Vincent and his friend had made the journey 
 of Tower-Ditch, as far as the thoroughfare out- 
 side the rails allowed them, and arrived at the 
 edge of the river. They then passed some tall 
 warehouses, which in the gloom of the evening 
 appeared to rise to such a height that their 
 summits were no longer perceptible, and turned 
 into a street running parallel with the banks 
 and wharfs of the Thames. 
 
 It was a curious locality they now entered ; 
 neither land nor water, but a chaos of both. 
 Indeed it required a little consideration to state 
 truly which it most belonged to. For the houses 
 in most cases ran out into the river on piles and
 
 264 THE FORTUNES OF 
 
 embankments, built as much on the Thames as 
 the dry ground: and the ships, in return, ap- 
 peared to have forsaken their proper element, 
 and walked over high walls into large inclosures 
 amidst the warehouses, from which their bow- 
 sprits projected strangely over the road, as if 
 they were about to sail forward on the land, 
 charging and knocking down all the elevations 
 that stood in their way. 
 
 There were numbers of odd, unnatural bridges, 
 too, at various parts of the thoroughfare, that 
 felt when you walked over them as if they were 
 constructed so as to tumble down suddenly, and 
 by dividing in the middle, let you into the dark 
 noisome water below, without a chance of ever 
 being seen or heard of again. Or, if you escaped 
 this fate, there were deep and narrow spines of 
 iron running across their entire length, to trip 
 you up, and cut you in half when you fell down 
 upon them. Then came more warehouses, not 
 only in the street they were passing along, but 
 stretching away on each side of bye-lanes, with 
 cranes along their upper stories, which some- 
 times blew round in the night-wind, and looked
 
 THE SCATTERGOOD FAMILY. '265 
 
 like so many gibbets waiting the arrival of their 
 occupants. And the few people passing back- 
 wards and forwards were as amphibious as the 
 quarter they traversed. In the day-time it would 
 have been difficult to have said whether they 
 were carmen or sailors, and at night the identi- 
 fication was lost altogether. 
 
 "Now, I reckon you may be trusted," said 
 Bolt to Vincent, as they pursued their way. 
 " All you 've got to do is to hear, see, and say 
 nothing. Open your eyes, and shut your mouth, 
 and see what we shall send you." 
 
 Vincent promised compliance, as he wondered 
 where the journey was to terminate. At last 
 Bolt turned down a narrow alley between two 
 stores, and came to the waterside, at a dilapi- 
 dated hard, or landing-place, which ran out into 
 the water from a ruinous old wharf at the back 
 of one of the stores. He crossed a few barges 
 that were lying off the shore, in a state of torpor, 
 giving an occasional grunt, as if perfectly content 
 with their heavy inactivity, when they chafed 
 against each other: and bidding Vincent be 
 careful where he trod, in the obscurity, at last 
 
 VOL. I. N
 
 266 THE FORTUNES OF 
 
 seized a rope, fastened to one of their tillers, 
 and dragged a boat to the side, 
 
 " Hold hard !" he cried, in a low, hurried 
 voice, as Vincent was about to enter it, agree- 
 ably to his commands. "Jump down into the 
 barge. The police is coming." 
 
 He crouched down as he spoke into one of 
 the compartments of the lighter, and Vincent 
 followed his example. The regular sound of 
 oars as they feathered in the rowlocks came 
 nearer and nearer: then voices were heard close 
 to the barge. These passed, and were again 
 lost in the distance. 
 
 " I wonder what they're about now^?" inquired 
 Mr. Bolt, as he raised his head cautiously above 
 the gunwale of the barge. " No good, I ""m 
 afeard. They 're a bad set, them police, depend 
 upon it." 
 
 And he said these last words w^th a reproving 
 shake of his head, as if he looked upon the 
 executive body generally as men of sinister pur- 
 suits, not to be trusted. As regarded his own 
 affairs perhaps they were not. 
 
 As the sound of the galley died away, Vincent
 
 THE SCATTERGOOD FAMILY. 267 
 
 descended into the boat, followed by Bolt, who 
 took the skulls, 'and pulled off down the river. 
 He did not appear anxious, however, to keep in 
 the middle of the stream, but chose the smaller 
 thoroughfares behind and between the rows of 
 shipping anchored in the pool, calling Vincent's 
 attention every now and then to different vessels, 
 whose economy he seemed to be perfectly ac- 
 quainted with. 
 
 "Do you see that schooner?'' he inquired, 
 pointing to a particular ship. " Well, if you get 
 into any trouble within a day or two, go quietly 
 aboard of her, and you'll be all right. She's 
 always got that little glim alight at her stern; 
 and so you'll know her anyhow. Keep it in 
 mind."" 
 
 At length he shot suddenly across to the 
 Surrey side, and guided the boat towards a house 
 at the water's-edge, at one of whose windows a 
 candle was burning, apparently by way of signal. 
 A sort of penthouse overhung the river but a 
 few feet above it at high-water, and the boat 
 was brought immediately under this. Bolt then 
 pulled a piece of rusty chain, which hung against 
 
 N 2
 
 268 THE FORTUNES OF 
 
 one of the supports, and gave a peculiar tremu- 
 lous whistle. It was repeated from above, after 
 a moment's pause ; and then the end of a knotted 
 rope fell down upon the boat. 
 
 " Now follow me,"" said Bolt. " I reckon 
 youVe a good hand at climbing; only make 
 sure of both your hands or your feet before you 
 move either. Wait till I am clear up." 
 
 To follow his companion was not a task of 
 much difficulty, and Vincent soon crept through 
 a species of trap in the floor, and gained one 
 of the rooms of the tenement. 
 
 It was evidently the tap-room of some low 
 public-house that overlooked the water, with 
 an entrance from the river-side street. Ten or 
 twelve people, male and female, were assembled 
 there ; some drinking, others smoking and play- 
 ing cards, but all of suspicious exterior; indeed, 
 one or two, in the dress of pilots, with rough 
 blue coats, and glazed " sou'- westers" were 
 absolutely ruffianly. They stared sullenly at 
 Vincent as he entered ; and then resumed their 
 pipes, with the smoke from which the room 
 was almost choked up. Some long, foreign
 
 THE SCATTERGOOD FAMILY. 269 
 
 looking bottles, similar in appearance to that 
 which Vincent recollected in the waggon by 
 which he had arrived in London, stood on the 
 table; and both the fumes of the room, and 
 the rough appointments of the table, shewed 
 that spirits w^re more patronized than beer by 
 those who used the house. 
 
 " My friend, Mr. Vinson," said Bolt, by way 
 of introduction for his companion ; " one of us, 
 and no mistake." 
 
 " Glad to see you, sir," replied one of the 
 guests, offering his glass. "Take a drain to 
 our better acquaintance. I think we 've met 
 before." 
 
 As Vincent took the proffered grog he re- 
 cognized in its owner the driver of the waggon, 
 whom Mr. Bolt had aided in raising the tubs of 
 spirit from the ice, on the evening before 
 alluded to : and he now began to see through 
 the pursuits of the society. 
 
 " I hope the genTman is well, too, though I 
 don't know him, leastways as I knows on," ex- 
 claimed another of the company, in half intoxi- 
 cated accents, advancing towards him, — a
 
 270 THE FORTUNES OF 
 
 bloated-looking fellow, in the costume of a cab- 
 stand waterman. 
 
 "What, Tubs !" cried Bolt; "are you back 
 again? How are you, old fireplug?" 
 
 "How ought I to be, after paying a fort- 
 night's visit to the mill at Coldbath Castle ? and 
 all the while I worn't the one." 
 
 "No; very unlucky, Tubs," returned Bolt, 
 in tones of mock-commiseration. " It never is 
 the one as the police catches; it's always the 
 other gentleman as gets away. But how are 
 you after your confinement?" 
 
 " Just as well as can be expected,'' replied 
 the other. " Pm afraid I took a little too 
 much water there ; that New River tap don't 
 do a man much good." 
 
 " No ; it 's too strong to be took by itself, I 
 know," replied Bolt gravely, which produced a 
 hoarse laugh from the rest. 
 
 " I'm afeard you 're looking for a seat, sir," 
 continued Tubs, addressing himself to Vincent. 
 " Here 's a bucket — my stock-in-trade I calls it 
 — quite at your service." 
 
 " It's very comfortable," said Vincent, un-
 
 THE SCATTERGOOD FAMILY. 271 
 
 concernedly turning the bucket upside down, 
 and sitting on it. " Thank'ee." 
 
 *'When the plugs is running, or the tide 
 high," chimed in Bolt, " that seat keeps Tubs 
 above water ; their seats do the same for a 
 great many members of parliament." 
 
 " Good again ! " replied the waterman ap- 
 provingly. He was evidently the prominent 
 man — half buffoon, half butt— of the company. 
 From the club to the pot-house his fellow is 
 always to be found, although in different 
 phases. 
 
 " Come, give us a speech, Tubs," said Bolt ; 
 " open the Rotherhithe parliament." 
 
 "That's just what I v/as going to do when 
 you come in." 
 
 "Well, go on! — a speech! — a speech!" 
 cried the others, knocking their hands on the 
 tables. 
 
 Tubs, who appeared only anxious to be 
 asked, and did not take much pressing, got on 
 one of the tables, with the assistance of Bolt, 
 so that his head almost touched the ceiling, and 
 taking a pewter-pot of brandy and water in one
 
 272 THE FORTUNES OF 
 
 hand, whilst with the other he made a pipe 
 trace imaginary problems from Euclid in the 
 air, thus commenced, 
 
 *' Gentlemen and ladies — " 
 
 "Ladies first," observed Bolt, interrupting 
 him. 
 
 " Ladies and gentlemen," continued the 
 orator, not ofifended. " The last sessions having 
 terminated in the acquittal of several of you, 
 much to your surprise, I thank you for this 
 measure you have brought forward, in the dis- 
 cussion of which I have great satisfaction." 
 
 There was a murmur of approbation. 
 
 " I continue to receive," Mr. Tubs went on, 
 " the most flattering assurances of support re- 
 specting the disposal of anything we may find 
 by chance, from the different natives of Rose- 
 mary Lane. 
 
 *' With respect to the Union, what I have to 
 say is, that I hope we may never get into it, 
 whilst the hospitable doors of Her Majesty's 
 gaols is open to all deserving characters. 
 
 " Gentlemen upon short commons, 
 
 ''Ihave directed some suppHes to be laid
 
 THE SCATTERGOOD FAMILY. 2/3 
 
 before you, which I shall be happy to join, and 
 not offended in being asked. And I prorogue 
 this parliament until whenever you like ; first 
 asking the member as has taken his seat this 
 evening what he 's going to stand." 
 
 As Mr. Tubs concluded his address he 
 looked towards Vincent, in expectation of an 
 answer. 
 
 " Mr. Vinson will do whatever is proper," 
 observed Bolt. 
 
 " Oh, of course," returned Vincent. '' Send 
 for what you please." 
 
 " Mr. Vinson's a gentleman," said the water- 
 man. *' Whenever you turn to the temperance, 
 and want a go of water, come to my stand, and 
 you shall have it. There 's a plug in the post 
 at the corner." 
 
 Fresh liquor circulated, and the conversation 
 became general, although it was full of allusions 
 in a strange language, and mostly uninteUigible 
 to Vincent. At last the landlord informed the 
 guests that he was about to close the house ; 
 upon which the majority of them took their de- 
 parture, including Mr. Tubs, leaving Vincent
 
 274 THE FORTUNES OF 
 
 with Bolt, and two of the seafanng-looking men 
 whom he had first noticed. 
 
 " Now they Ve off," said Bolt, as he hstened 
 at the door until all appeared still, "Til tell 
 you what we want you for. Are you willing 
 to make a good bit of money with a little 
 trouble ? " 
 
 "I ask pardon," growled one of the other 
 fellows ; " but, before you lets all out. Cricket, 
 are you sure of your man ? " 
 
 " Should I have brought him here if I hadn't 
 been?" replied Bolt shortly. "Now, look 
 here, Vinson, — we'll drop the 'mister' to save 
 time, — there 's a chance of us coves getting rich 
 without trouble. Would that suit your com- 
 plaint?" 
 
 " It depends upon the way it 's done in," re- 
 plied Vincent. '^ I believe I can turn my hand 
 to anything." 
 
 "Well, I'll out with it, then," said Bolt: 
 " here goes ! The truth is, we have a crack 
 coming off to-morrow night, not a great way 
 from the coast, and we want your help." 
 
 " What ? " cried Vincent sharply, with a sud-
 
 THE SCATTERGOOD FAMILY. 275 
 
 denness that made the others start — ''You 
 want me to join you in a robbery ? Thank 
 you ; but I have not quite come to that yet." 
 
 " I thought the gentleman was proud from 
 the first look of him," observed one of the 
 mariners, with no very pleasant expression. 
 
 " Hush ! nonsense !" replied Bolt. " Now, 
 look here, Vinson. If you thinks we want you 
 to go and break open a house, and carry off the 
 swag yourself, you 're wrong ; it 's no such 
 thing." 
 
 " Well, what on earth is it then, you wish ?'' 
 asked Scattergood in return. 
 
 '' Why, I don't think you 'd object to save 
 three fellow- creeters from the gallows," said 
 Bolt. 
 
 " I wish you 'd drop all this damned mystery, 
 and come to the point," exclaimed Vincent. 
 " What is it you wish me to do ? " 
 
 Mr. Bolt walked quietly to the door, and 
 then inspected the room very carefully, as if he 
 was suspicious of listeners lurking inside the 
 very pewter measures. He then said to 
 Vincent —
 
 ^/O THE FORTUNES CF 
 
 " Whether you are with us or not, the crack 
 will take place. If we get well off, very good ; 
 if not, and we find ourselves in a mess, I don't 
 see how it can harm you to be lying off the 
 coast in our skiff, to put us across the river. 
 Eh?" 
 
 " I would rather not," replied Vincent. " I 
 think you might get somebody else " 
 
 ''Nobody as could manage so well, I reckon," 
 replied Bolt. 
 
 " And whereabouts is it you wishM me to 
 be?'' 
 
 " Anywhere along the banks of the river, 
 that will give you the shortest line to Brent- 
 wood, for the house would lie on that trade. 
 It's called Blazes, or Babel, or Brabunts, or 
 something like it. Why, what's up now? 
 How you jumped !'' 
 
 " Brabants !" ejaculated Vincent, almost un- 
 consciously. Then, recovering himself, he 
 added, " Me ? — oh no, nothing. The name 
 struck me. I think I have heard it before." 
 
 "Well, may we trust you? Will you be 
 there to-morrow ?"
 
 THE SCATTERGOOD FAMILY. 277 
 
 " I will," said Vincent earnestly. " I give 
 you my honour, if you set store by such a 
 thing." 
 
 '' Oh ! honour amongst — gentlemen hke us, 
 in course," said Bolt. 
 
 The conversation finished, Vincent rose to 
 depart. He was shown out of the front- door 
 by the landlord, who fastened it up carefully 
 after him. 
 
 He waited in the street for a few seconds, 
 undecided what plan he should adopt, and then 
 turned down a dark alley at the side of the 
 house, which slanted down to the Thames. 
 The tide was running down, so that he was just 
 enabled to creep along the edge of the water 
 upon the wet shingles to where Bolt's skiff was 
 still lying. Hastily unfastening the cord which 
 held it, he launched it into the stream, and in 
 another minute was pulling vigorously down 
 the river, in a manner which betokened long 
 habitude with the management of a boat. 
 
 The morning broke cold and foggy ; the 
 banks on either side were almost invisible in 
 the dull grey light ; whilst huge colliers were
 
 278 THE FORTUNES OF 
 
 floating lazily on the tide, looking in the mist 
 like phantom vessels. But Vincent was still at 
 his task, and by the first gleam of sunlight had 
 placed several good miles between the Pool and 
 himself, in his course down the Thames.
 
 THE SCATTERGOOD FAMILY. 279 
 
 CHAPTER XIX. 
 
 Mh. JOE JOLLIT BECOMES JOYOUS AT GRAVESEND, WHERE 
 MR. SNARRY RELIEVES HIS MIND. 
 
 Fine weather crept on as soon as blackthorn 
 winter was over, and its effects were speedily 
 visible upon the whole creation. Everything 
 prepared to welcome the summer ; and, simul- 
 taneously with the change of the caddis-worm 
 into the mayfly, Mr. Joe Jolht discarded his 
 winter toilet, bought a gent's Zephyr Cachucha, 
 which was a great-coat of thin oatmeal-Coloured 
 blanketing, and, to use his own words, " burst 
 forth into light and life, and delivered himself 
 up to the abandon of rural pleasures." This 
 desirable occupation was chiefly brought about 
 by hiring a bed-room in Windmill Street, 
 Gravesend, whither also Mr. Snarry accom- 
 panied him, to the grief of Mrs. Chicksand.
 
 280 THE FORTUNES OF 
 
 And wonderfully popular with the passengers 
 and officers of the Topaz steamer did Mr. Joe 
 Jollit soon become, even to being permitted to 
 climb upon the paddle-boxes, and walk along 
 the bridge that connects them ; and his general 
 manners were so diverting, that Mrs. Hankins's 
 sister, who once went down by special invita- 
 tion, under Mrs. Hankins's own chaperonage, so 
 that it was impossible for the world to say any- 
 thing at all about it, declared that her inevitable 
 death would of necessity result from his pleas- 
 antries, and would be laid at his particular 
 door, if he persisted in being so atrociously 
 droll. What a strange animal he was ! — did 
 Mrs. Hankins ever ? 
 
 Whatever were the materials to work upon, 
 Mr. Joe Jollit's keen sense of the funny never 
 forsook him. Whether he played an amateur 
 obligato to " Love not,"" which the band on board 
 performed unceasingly, upon the trombone of 
 the man who went round with a faded decanter - 
 stand to solicit coin, or whether he asked the 
 steward at dinner for half a pint of that peculiar 
 old port which had been two days in bottle
 
 THE SCATTERGOOD FAMILY. 281 
 
 under the cabin stairs, or the celebrated ma- 
 deira which had voyaged to Gravesend and 
 back to improve its flavour, he was equally 
 rich. And when he landed, he gave such full 
 play to his facetious spirits all the way from the 
 pier to his lodgings, that even the drivers of the 
 many-fashioned vehicles who wait to carry 
 timid visitors, by sheer force, and against their 
 will, to Rochester, Canterbury, or wherever 
 else it pleases them to transport their helpless 
 victims, gave Tip chaffing with him in despair, 
 and no longer paid any attention to his desire 
 that they would take him " as far as they could 
 towards Nova Scotia for a shilling." These 
 little ebullitions of a joyous mind at first 
 alarmed Mr. Snarry very much, until he saw 
 that no great harm arose from them, when he 
 enjoyed them as much as his friend ; always 
 excepting such times as Mr. Jollit chose to buy 
 a small quantity of periwinkles, and eat them 
 with a pin as he walked upon the pier at the 
 fashionable time of day, for the purpose, as he 
 observed, of making the world understand that 
 there was nothing like pride about him, and
 
 282 THE FORTUNES OF 
 
 forcing Snarry to feel quite at his ease, and at 
 home, even in great society. 
 
 If there was one locality upon earth more 
 than another in which Mr. Jollit allowed his 
 spirits to be boundingly joyous, it was within 
 the chalky confines of Rosherville Gardens; 
 and one fine afternoon, in extra good-humour, 
 he was pressing the greensward of that terres- 
 trial paradise, in company with his friend. It 
 v/as really a thing to see — Mr, Jollit's deport- 
 ment at Rosherville : something a person might 
 walk a long way on a hot day, in tight boots, to 
 behold, and not feel disappointed after all. 
 His first funniment took place amongst the ma- 
 caws, when, after addressing them in their own 
 peculiar language, until he set them all shriek- 
 ing, he would thrust his hands into his coat- 
 tail pockets, and bending his body at a right 
 angle, hop about the lawn in the manner of a 
 large raven. Next he would visit the monkeys, 
 and sitting on a rustic stool opposite to them, 
 would imitate all their actions, and eat a bun 
 after their manner, occasionally stopping to run 
 round the stool upon all-fours, previously to
 
 THE SCATTERGOOD FAMILY. 283 
 
 scratching his side rapidly with the extremities 
 of his nails. And his dialogue with the distin- 
 guished foreigner who lets out the arrows at 
 seven for twopence, was also a great diversion, 
 being carried on in strange tongues, chiefly of 
 the cabalistic dialect used by conjurors, and al- 
 ways ending with the phrase, " Tres-bien- 
 voulez-vous-propria-que-maribus-paddy-whack," 
 which, not admitting of refutation, usually fin- 
 nished the conversation at once. 
 
 Nor was Mr. Joe Jollit one whit less hu- 
 morous when the quadrille-band struck up 
 in the baronial barn, for the amusement of 
 those whom the bills call " the votaries of 
 Terpsichore ;" for then he danced literally on 
 the light and fantastic toe, especially as the 
 cavalier seul in La Pastorale, for which he 
 reserved all his powers. Sometimes he sprang 
 from the earth, turning round twice before he 
 came down again ; at others dropped on his 
 knee, in a graceful attitude, before liis part- 
 ner ; and, when particularly hilarious, he would 
 lay hold of his coat-tails, which always played 
 a great part in his eccentricities, in the style
 
 284 THE FORTUNES OF 
 
 that ladies hold their dresses ; and then dance 
 a graceful measure, amidst the cheers of the 
 spectators. Indeed, so remarkable was he, 
 that Mrs. Hankins's sister, whom he once per- 
 suaded to be his partner, "never felt so awk- 
 ward in her life — really — the idea — how very 
 absurd, to be sure !" And her distress did 
 not terminate with the quadrille ; for when 
 they went to one of the side- tables for re- 
 freshment, which consisted of shrimps and gin- 
 ger-beer, Mr. Joe Jollit struck out a new line 
 of humour, and commenced imitating fire- 
 works with his mouth, until he broke two 
 tumblers in his endeavour to personify a ca- 
 therine-wheel in full play. 
 
 " I say, Snarry, old fellow ! you 're down ; 
 what 's up ? " said Mr. Jollit to his friend on 
 the afternoon in question. 
 
 A melancholy " Nothing," which belied itself, 
 was all the reply. 
 
 " I should think so : you look as if there 
 was not," returned Jollit. *' Why don't you be 
 jolly? — I am. I'll jump you for a bottle of 
 stout. Look here; can you do this?"
 
 THE SCATTERGOOD FAMILY. 285 
 
 The incidental performance consisted in 
 holding his walking-stick in each hand, and 
 jumping over it, first forwards and then back- 
 wards. It was a stick, with a knot made like 
 an old man's head, and very crooked and de- 
 formed ; just the sort of stick you would ima- 
 gine a funny man always carried, for the sake 
 of society. 
 
 " Come, Snarry. don't mope. Why don't you 
 tell me what's the matter?" continued the jo- 
 cund JoUit, finding that his challenge was not 
 accepted. " I won't say anything about it, 
 you know." 
 
 " I 'm afraid it is the heart," repUed Snarry, 
 in plaintive accents, with a suppressed and 
 quivering sigh. 
 
 " What's the matter with your heart? Is 
 it in the Highlands, or breaking for the love 
 of AUce Grey ?" inquired Mr. Joe JoUit. 
 
 Mr. Snarry shook his head, and looked up 
 to the sky, whose floating glow spread hke a 
 rosy ocean, vast and bright. Such was his 
 inward quotation as he beheld it. 
 
 "Now, what are the odds I don't tell you
 
 286 THE FORTUNES OF 
 
 which pack the card 's in ?" inquired Mr. Jol- 
 lit. " I mean whereabouts your thoughts are. 
 You are thinking about that Httle girl with 
 the long black hair on the first floor." 
 
 "I am afraid that it is so," replied Mr. 
 Snarry, with plaintive mournfulness. " JoUit 
 — my friend — you will not betray me?'"* 
 
 " Never !" returned Mr. Joe, with dramatic 
 energy. " Only — I say now, Snarry, don't 
 make a fool of yourself." 
 
 " What do you mean ? " asked Mr. Snarry, 
 apparently hurt at the possibility of such an 
 imputation. 
 
 " Oh, nothing ; only those things get on so, 
 somehow or another, especially first loves. Is 
 she your first love?"' 
 
 " I never cared in this manner for another," 
 replied Mr. Snarry. 
 
 «' I thought so," said Mr. Joe. " I 've had 
 twenty first loves, and know what it is. Let 's 
 rest here a little while." 
 
 They had arrived at the top of the clifl" on 
 which the tower is built, and now rested against 
 the battlements. The view was pleasant, with
 
 THE SCATTERGOOD FAMILY. 287 
 
 its diversified prospect of hill and valley, land 
 and river, and it harmonized with Mr. Snarry's 
 feelings. He leant against a buttress, in the 
 attitude of a border warden on the donjon- 
 keep ; whilst Mr. Joe JoUit, having shouldered 
 his stick, and marched as a sentinel two or 
 three times backwards and forwards, to an air 
 from Blue Beard, threw a handful or two of 
 fine gravel upon a party who were having tea, 
 with shrimps, on the lawn below, and then 
 crouched down behind the ramparts. 
 
 " I repeat," continued that facetious gentle- 
 man, " that you must mind what you are 
 about." 
 
 ''In which way?" asked Mr. Snarry, half 
 angrily. 
 
 " So. A young gentleman meets a young 
 lady that pleases him. Very well : you can't 
 grumble at that. They neither think about 
 marriage. 1 don't mean, you know, but what 
 they 're both very proper ; but they don't think 
 of anything at all. Only they appear to suit 
 one another — their notions and ideas, perhaps, 
 go the same way; and, in consequence, the
 
 288 THE FORTUNES OF 
 
 gentleman dangles about after the lady when- 
 ever they meet. Perhaps, in her mind, the 
 lady dangles about after the gentleman just 
 as much, but never openly, because it 's not 
 correct." 
 
 " But vi^hat has all this to do with me, Joe ?'* 
 asked Mr. Snarry. 
 
 " Well, that 's what I 'm coming to. This 
 dangling goes on until the young lady herself, 
 or most likely her friends, think it time to 
 ask something about intentions ; and then the 
 young gentleman all of a sudden sees the folly 
 of carrying these things too far. Now, don't 
 you see the fix he places himself in ? He has 
 either made a fool of the girl, to say the least 
 of it, or he is hooked, rather against his will, 
 to marry, which is not altogether to his taste, 
 although he was never so happy as when he 
 was flirting with her." 
 
 The lecture was so unexpected from Mr. 
 Jollit, that Mr. Snarry opened his eyes very 
 wide in astonishment. 
 
 "I see you are surprised to hear me go on
 
 THE SCATTERGOOD FAMILY. 289 
 
 like this," said Mr. Joe; '*but I have got into 
 several rows of this sort, — funny men do some- 
 times, — and so I like to warn people. Now, 
 suppose this attachment of yours to Miss Scat- 
 tergood comes to anything, — you have not 
 much tin, and it seems she has none at all, — 
 what would you do ?" 
 
 '« A cottage — " ejaculated Mr. Snarry. 
 
 ''Oh, nonsense," interrupted Mr. Jollit; 
 " that has all been found out long ago. Does 
 she know you care for her ? " 
 
 " I wished Mrs. Chicksand to hint at it," said 
 Mr. Snarry ; " and I sent her bouquets occa- 
 sionally of geraniums and hot-house plants for 
 her toilet-table." 
 
 *' Try wall-flowers next time," said Jollit; 
 " they go a great way for a small sum, like an 
 Upper Clapton omnibus." 
 
 "But, Jollit," said Mr. Snarry imploringly, 
 " this must remain locked in our bosoms." 
 
 " Chests, Snarry, if you please. Never lose 
 a joke if you can help it. Locked in our 
 chests is good. Oh, yes, of course; I shall not 
 say a word about it. Only, if you must be a 
 
 VOL. I. t)
 
 290 THE FORTUNES OF 
 
 butterfly, take my advice, and never stay near 
 one flower too long." 
 
 '• I fear it is too deep," said Mr. Snarry, with 
 another sigh. "The sun is going down over 
 the spot she inhabits," he continued poetically, 
 as he looked towards the transparent fog in the 
 west, that indicated the locality of London. 
 
 " Yesj all right," answered Mr. JolUt; "and 
 I think we will go down ourselves, for it is 
 getting chilly. Hark !" he added, as the sound 
 of music, expressing the pursuit of harmony 
 under difficulties, rose from below, " the festi- 
 vity commences. Now see me take the shine 
 out of the company.'"* 
 
 They descended to the ball-room, and Mr. 
 Jollit was, if anything, richer than ordinary. 
 But Mr. Snarry sat apart from the throng of 
 revellers, as he termed them, and lost himself 
 in meditation until the fireworks commenced, 
 when he again joined his friend. But even 
 then there was not a rocket burst, whose stars 
 did not turn themselves into Clara Scatter- 
 good's eyes as they descended. And when he 
 arrived at home, he sat at his window, which
 
 THE SCATTERGOOD FAMILY. 291 
 
 looked upon Windmill Hill, and ruminated 
 upon the object of his affections, lost to every- 
 thing else, — even to the uncertain notes of a 
 flute, which a gentleman in the house used to 
 play in bed for an hour every night before he 
 went to sleep. 
 
 END OF THE FIRST VOLUME.
 
 London : 
 
 Printed by S. & J. Bentlet, Wilson, and Fley, 
 
 Bangor House, Shoe Lane.
 
 m" 
 
 mm\ 
 
 
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