WILLOUGHBY k CO., 8, AMEN CORNER. 
 
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THE MUFF OF THE CASINO. 
 
THE 
 
 PHYSIOLOGY 
 
 LONDON : 
 VVILLOUGHBY AND CO., AMEN CORNER. 
 
LONDON : 
 
 PRINTED BY WILLOUGHBY & CO., 97, ST. JOHN STF.EET. 
 
(h^Zf THE 
 
 PHYSIOLOGY OF MUFFS. 
 
 INTRODUCTION. 
 
 ADiES, be not 
 :^ alarmed — do 
 not be appre- 
 ■J bensive that 
 ^ , y we are going 
 ML^^^l to preacha cru- 
 sade against 
 g^^-those soft fur- 
 - ry envelopes 
 into which you 
 love to deposit your pretty white hands, and 
 which serve as portfeuilles for your cambrics 
 and purses. Against a class of far softer 
 materiel than your winter friends are our 
 philippics levelled — against that effeminate 
 brood of coxcombs, whose make-up is entirely 
 external, and unto whom, for want of a more 
 derogatory cognomen, the world has applied 
 the title of Muffs, These social excrescences 
 
4 
 
 INTRODXJCTION. 
 
 are the offspring of conceit, impertinence, 
 and frivolity; toggery and swagger being the 
 fabric of their assumption. Their inordinate 
 self-esteem may be best illustrated by the 
 fable of the frog and the ox ; the bubble of 
 their distended importance too frequently 
 bursts, and they collapse into their primitive 
 insignificance. 
 
 As a general rule, Muffs are not to be 
 found among the Benedicts ; celibacy is the 
 soil in which they spring up. Possibly the 
 cares which married life entails, the respon- 
 sibility which, as the head of a domestic 
 commonwealth, devolves upon the hymeneal 
 communicant, or the stay-at-home quietude 
 of matrimony, are unfavourable to the deve- 
 lopment of Muff principles. An observant 
 writer has said, " No man is a hero in the 
 eyes of his valet-de^chambre and some such 
 impression as this in regard to the opinion 
 of his wife, indisposes the married man for 
 assuming a character, through the masquerade 
 of which his better moiety can penetrate, and 
 by the assumption whereof he cannot " add 
 an inch to his stature," or a loaf to his cup- 
 board. Solidity, not show, is now his aim ; 
 and though the Benedict in most instances 
 
INTKODUCTION. 
 
 5 
 
 kas many phases of folly to thread, most as- 
 suredly the days and moments of his Muff- 
 hood are engulphed in the whirlpool of time. 
 
 The bachelors then, not the Benedicts, 
 qualify themselves for Muffs. Whirled about 
 from ball-room to baJl-room, from theatre to 
 casino, from casino to saloon, they " find no 
 rest for the soles of their feet," and their 
 constant friction with society renders them 
 plastic as putty, ready to be shaped or 
 moulded into any form, however extravagant 
 or eccentric. Deficient in mental ballast 
 they are incapable of discerning what are 
 the true ends and objects of existence, and 
 what are the best examples to follow. Neg- 
 lecting the substance, they clutch at the 
 shadow, and render themselves impersona- 
 tions of the foibles, unredeemed by one spark 
 of the wisdom, of the age. 
 
 Every order of the community is afflicted 
 with these entomological bipeds. Preposter- 
 ous in their dress, shallow in their conversa- 
 tion, jaunty in their air, flippant or low in 
 their manners, and ever maUa-propos in their 
 sayings and doings, these mountebanks are 
 as easily distinguished from the true constit- 
 uents of society as is alloy from the purer 
 
g INTEODXJCTION. 
 
 metal. Folly begets folly; and as one cod^ 
 fish is said to generate thousands of its spe- 
 cies, one Muff re-produces a host of Mutt, 
 all bearing the indisputable mark of then 
 common origin, but differing in details. _ 
 ?he overture is finished, the prologue is 
 spoken, the curtain is about to draw up, and to 
 Tesent -veluti, in speculum;' those burlesque 
 samples of humanity whose weakness is their 
 tS, ^vhose glory the cap-and-bells of noto- 
 °iet/_The Mufi-s! 
 
CHAPTER I. 
 
 THE REGULAR MUEE. 
 " He was such a nice young mm" 
 
 POPUr^AR BALLAD. 
 
 ■ INDERMERE 
 ( P I P K I 
 
 is a regu- 
 lar MufF, a 
 MufF from 
 . top to toe, 
 ! a muff in 
 blood, flesh, 
 bones, mus.. 
 cles, and 
 spirit. Some 
 Muffs are 
 like mono- 
 maniacs, lu- 
 cid on all 
 have one particular point, but Windermere is 
 a Muff of the first water, a Muff without a 
 
 B 
 
10 
 
 THE PHYSIOLOGY 
 
 flaw, like the Chevalier Bayard, sans peur et 
 sans reproche. At evening parties, (as those 
 meetings are called, where an indefinite 
 number of persons are compressed together 
 into a small room, like lard in a bladder, 
 and enforced to run the gauntlet of dances 
 in a way compared with w^hich, the revo- 
 lutions of the treadmill are pleasant labour,) 
 Mr, Pipkin shines forth as a ''bright par- 
 ticular star." 
 
 When Mr. Windermere Pipkin honours 
 one of these conglomerations of second- 
 hand pastry, mdigestible sandwiches, le- 
 monade, and wine and water, with his com- 
 pany, he appears an incarnation of the rain- 
 bow; blue coat, purple cravat, crimson vest, 
 primrose kids, pink hose, and other parti- 
 coloured garments adorning his outward man. 
 Pipkin efi'ervesces with small-talk ; and, with 
 the benevolent motive of entertaining his 
 partner, imparts to her the name of the em- 
 
OF MUFFS. 
 
 11 
 
 porium whence his bear's grease is procured, 
 and where the best Havannahs are upon sale. 
 Occasionally when he touches upon higher 
 themes, he gets out of his depth, but thanks 
 to assumption, his errors are not often de- 
 tected. In supposing Jullien the musician to 
 be a descendant of Julian the Apostate, be- 
 cause the latter fiddled at the conflagration of 
 Rome, he was a little out in his chronology 
 and orthography; nor was he scrupulously 
 correct in attributing the authorship of " I'd 
 be a butterfly," to Dr. Johnson; still the easy 
 manner in which he rounded off* these state- 
 ments gave to them as much appearance of 
 authenticity, as generally attaches to the slip- 
 slop gossip of a ball-room. Presently Pipkin 
 has to execute the pas seul in the pastorale 
 figure. It is a step of no slight perplexity, 
 the ornamental accompaniments to which none 
 save a dancing-master or a Muff* will attempt. 
 Ambitious to display the elasticity of his 
 
12 
 
 THE PHYSIOLOGY 
 
 heels, Pipkin indulges in a variety of eccen- 
 tric gyrations, to which the only thing that, 
 assimilates upon earth, is the twisting of a 
 snake whose tail has been unwittingly trodden 
 upon. And Pipkin resumes his place, confi- 
 dent that he has jumped his way into the 
 affections of all the pretty girls in the room. 
 " The wish is father to the thought." 
 The very excellent terms upon which ex- 
 citement and ^ negus have placed this gentle- 
 man with himself, raises his courage to the 
 " Ercles' vein," and after the guests have 
 deluded themselves into the belief that they 
 have supped off the fragile cates which seem 
 rather destined to enact the part of ornament 
 for the festive board, than of provender for the 
 hungry. Pipkin volunteers a speech. A ter- 
 rible fellow is your spontaneous Demosthenes ! 
 Wise men are silent and discreet, speaking 
 only when occasion requires, and then to 
 the purpose. But 
 
 " Muffs rush in where angels fear to tread." 
 
OF MUFFS. 
 
 13 
 
 and inflict their tedious loquacity on unappre- 
 ciating ears. Pipkin commences with the 
 
 very original opening — " Unaccustomed as I 
 am to public speaking" — regrets that the 
 pleasing duty did not devolve upon some one 
 more able than himself" — a regret in which 
 
14 
 
 THE PHYSIOLOGY 
 
 his audience cordially participates ; and, after 
 wading through a labyrinth of disjointed, 
 verbiage, comes to our " worthy host," (a 
 figure of speech borrowed from a free-and- 
 easy club,) when a stentorian "hear" dis- 
 concerts the orator ; he blushes, stammers — 
 his treacherous memory oozes away through 
 the crevices of his brain, and the harangue, 
 which he had learnt by rote, is prematurely 
 nipped in the bud, ere it had time to expand 
 into the foil-blown bathos of absurdity, to the 
 great delight of the ladies, who think the 
 figures of the first set a very desirable substi- 
 tute for the tropes of Mr, Windermere 
 Pipkin. 
 
 When the " regular Muflf," like other mem- 
 bers of the haut ton, takes a marine excursion 
 to Gravesend, he invariably carries three ap- 
 pendages with him, a case of Government 
 cheroots, (as certain penny concoctions of 
 cabbage-leaf are called,) a knobby" out- 
 
OF MUFFS. 
 
 15 
 
 landish stick begirt with a cotton tassel, and 
 a young woman, whose namby-pamby pretti- 
 ness does not compensate for her inanity. 
 Nine times out of ten, the damsel is neither 
 wife nor sweetheart of the regular Muff," 
 but a casual acquaintance, whom Pipkin in- 
 Tites as a portion of his equipage, just as ne- 
 cessary to his cutting a dash, as the stick or 
 cigar, and the latter frequently comes in for 
 his warmest regard. Pipkin visits Rosher- 
 ville, which is nothing more than Nature cock- 
 neyfied, assumes a distingue air, talks as if he 
 were hailing with a speaking-trumpet, and 
 claims previous acquaintance with the tenants 
 of the monkey-vale. In the Gothic Hall he 
 affects the grandee, orders tea and shrimps for 
 two, and astonishes the waiter by requesting 
 change for half- a- sovereign. He asks his fair 
 companion Avhether she has ever been to a 
 fate sham peter before, and she repUes that 
 the only person of that name she knows is 
 Peter Hobbs, the pawnbroker's clerk. 
 
16 
 
 THE PHYSIOLOGY 
 
 Certain discordant notes in the orchestra 
 intimate that the Gothic Hall is about to be 
 
 converted into a ball-room ; and " Take your 
 partners for the Lancers," is blandly uttered 
 
OF MUFFS. 
 
 17 
 
 by the illustrious Baron who presides over the 
 festivities of Eosherville. A dumpy, snub- 
 nosed, and red-headed youth, on whose arm 
 reclines a female companion, who for sym- 
 metry mght dispute the palm with a cask of 
 Irish butter approaches him, and, with an air 
 of impudent familiarity, addresses him :— " I 
 say Windermere, old boy, I wants you to 
 be our weezer-wee." " The errand-boy of our 
 house, by Jove,' utters Pipkin aside ; and 
 grumbling out — "impertinent raskal," he 
 emerges with his partner into the grove, de- 
 claring that only vulgar folks dance at Rosher- 
 ville. — On his return to London, he attempts 
 to enter into conversation with the engineman 
 of the steam-boat, but is rudely repelled by 
 that surly individual, who ejaculates, " Don't 
 come bothering here, you Muff." Discou- 
 raged in his pursuit of science under difficul- 
 ties, he returns to his cheroots, which he 
 smokes so vehemently, that the fumes settle 
 
18 
 
 THE PHYSIOLOGY 
 
 in the pink silk bonnet, and black polka of 
 his temporary lady-love, who in vain endea- 
 vours to expunge from her finery, the smoky 
 memorial of her trip to Gravesend. Cigars 
 are objects of detestation to the ladies, who 
 reluctantly tolerate them, because if they 
 were to pronounce against them, the eligible 
 young men would look out for less fastidious 
 damsels. Cigars are the badge of bachelor- 
 hood ; the Benedict generally can only smoke 
 by stealth ; if he were to venture on such 
 an enormity in his own house his wife 
 would soon put his pipe out. 
 
 There are many Windermere Pipkins in the 
 world, to endeavour to follow whom in their 
 orbit were a task more arduous than pro- 
 fitable. So, having seen Pipkin safely home 
 to his crib in the balm-breathing purlieus of 
 Clare Market, where he divests himself of 
 his peacock plumes with an alacrity which he 
 will never exert in casting ofi* the insignia 
 
OF MtTErS. 
 
 19 
 
 of Muffhood, let us proceed on our researches, 
 and daguerreotype another member of the ho- 
 nourable fraternity of Muffs. 
 
20 
 
 THE PHYSIOLOGY 
 
 
 
 ^4a. Jackson Demmy. 
 
 
 
 ^1 mm 
 
 
 
 
 CHAPTER IL 
 
 THE PRECIOUS 
 MUEF. 
 
 " Sacred to ridicule his 
 
 whole life long, 
 And the sad burthen of 
 
 some merry song." 
 
 POPE. 
 
 comes under the de- 
 signation of a pre- 
 cious Muff!" A 
 " precious Muff" is 
 almost synonymous 
 .with a Spoon, and 
 ^^^the wearer of this 
 title is especially 
 "green." Peter Pindar's Countryman, who, 
 to secure his guinea from the artifice of 
 " London thieves," used his mouth as a 
 pocket, but whose tongue betrayed the hi- 
 ding-place of his treasure, was a " precious 
 
OF MUFFS. 
 
 21 
 
 MufF." The " precious MufF" is a silly 
 sheep, whom every wolf feels himself author- 
 ized to fleece. What shoals of " precious 
 Mufl's" were caught in the railway traps, set 
 by speculating black-legs, and baited with 
 artificial cent, per cent., to entice the flats. 
 To descend from generalization to particu- 
 lars, let us return to Jackson Demmy, and 
 exhibit this tableau vivant of a "precious 
 MufF." 
 
 Jackson Demmy is not esteemed for the 
 brilliancy of his play at the card-table. At 
 whist, however good his hand, he usually 
 contrives to put his foot into it, revokes half- 
 a-dozen times in the course of a rubber, and 
 shews a monstrous incapacity for distinguish- 
 ing between a diamond and a heart, or a club 
 and a spade. And even when, by dint of 
 fortunate cards, Demmy and partner count 
 eight, through omitting to " call," he loses 
 the game, though he held the four honours. 
 
22 
 
 THE PHYSIOLOGY 
 
 But while our Muff blunders in his play, it is 
 only justice to acquit him of perpetrating any 
 knave-ish. tricks 
 
 Demmy makes the most of time ; he has 
 been knovm to send an invitation for the 
 thirty 'first of February. On that licensing - 
 day of fools, the first of April, so called 
 from its being the period when some of the 
 sweetest and fairest flowers open their petals 
 and awake from their long winter sleep, some 
 of the Muff's "good-natured friends" are apt 
 to demonstrate at his expense the following 
 syllogism : — Every Spoon is a " precious 
 Muff;" Jackson Demmy is a Spoon ; there- 
 fore Jackson Demmy is a " precious Muff." 
 And few magazine-editors receive more illus- 
 trations of the soft than are elucidated by 
 Jackson Demmy's quizzing associates. Too 
 credulous to investigate, too shallow to think, 
 he is a butt whom they often tap for their own 
 amusement. On one occasion he was sent 
 upon a mission to the " Coal-hole" in the 
 
OF MUFFS. 
 
 Strand, to order a ton and a half of 
 
 milk, as a preservative against rust ! 
 
24 
 
 THE PHYSIOLOGY 
 
 Mr. Demmy, once upon a time was smitten 
 with the blooming charms, and coquettish 
 smiles of a rosy-cheeked, laughter-loving 
 maiden, but wanted courage to confess the 
 
 soft impeachment." Still, day after day 
 
^ OF MUFFS. 25 
 
 h.^ was a punctual attendant upon the tea- 
 eiuipage of Mrs. Tempest, who was wide 
 a^take enough to perceive that his wonderful 
 paltiality for the company of her sons, was 
 the\ cloak under which he crept into the 
 society of her daughter Fanny. Fanny ! 
 'Tis a lovely name, and beauty, wit, and sweet 
 temper we have invariably found to be the 
 goods and chattels of the earthly angel so 
 christened. Fanny and ugliness are terms 
 as irreconcileable as inodorous violets ; ill- 
 nature and Fanny are principles which can 
 never amalgamate ; — nay, more, Fanny never 
 grows old ; the shadow which years may cast 
 over her face is lost in the rosicruscian light 
 of cheerfulness and intelligence. Oh! if 
 every woman were a Fanny, what an Eden 
 the world would be ! But we must drop me- 
 taphor — " the ridiculous" — we mean the "pre- 
 cious Muff" — clogs our imagination, and pulls 
 us down to earth again. One day towards 
 
26 
 
 THE PHYSIOLOGY 
 
 tea-time, Demmy dropped in at his usial 
 resort. There, in awful and in solitary stite, 
 sat the maternal dragon, evidently con- 
 templating the proposition of a " momertous 
 question " to the shilly-shally swain. And in 
 the lower regions of Mrs. Tempest's house, 
 equally important operations were going on. 
 Fragrant essences arose from the coffee-per- 
 colator, muffins and nicely-browned toast were 
 unctuous with the best of sixteen-penny 
 butter, water-cresses fresh from the brooks 
 of Uxbridge were ready for stomachic rumi- 
 nation, and a grand demonstration of anchovy 
 sandwiches w^as in progress. Demmy ham- 
 mered out a few sentences about the weather, 
 to which the lady replied in monosyllables, 
 and, the gentleman's stock of available loqua- 
 city being exhausted, a dead pause ensued. 
 Mrs. Tempest lost her patience, and almost her 
 suavity, at the sheepishness of her prospective 
 son-in-law, and at length said in no very dulcet 
 
OF MUFFS. 27 
 
 notes : — Mr. Demmy, I will thank yoxi to 
 tell me what are your intentions." Our 
 modest hero was no CEdipus to resolve at a 
 glance the riddle propounded to him ; but as 
 his olfactory nerves were agreeably titillated 
 with the incense of the muffins, and other 
 delicacies that were ready for promotion to 
 the drawing-room, he interpreted Mrs. Tem- 
 pest's question into a friendly invite, and 
 accordingly replied : ''To take a cup of tea 
 with you, if quite agreeable ma'am !" Fanny 
 Tempest sent the " precious Muff" elsewhere 
 to find a Psyche. 
 
 Thus Fanny Tempest got relieved from a 
 troublesome suitor. Fanny, like most young 
 ladies, who keep an album, dabbled in the 
 I Heliconian stream, and when her prudent 
 parent pointed out the eligibility of such 
 a husband as Mr. Demmy, if he could be 
 brought to the point, she gave as reasons for 
 her rejection of the " precious Muff," the 
 
-28 
 
 THE PHYSIOLOGY 
 
 rhymes with which this chapter musically 
 closes :■ — 
 
 I cannot doubt, my mother' dear, 
 
 Yom- wish to see me settled, 
 Yet pr'ythee, my remonstrance hear. 
 
 Without becoming nettled. 
 No love-sick notions fill my head 
 
 With vain romantic stuff, 
 But Jackson, I can never wed — 
 
 He's such a "precious MufF!" 
 
 I know that others have confessed, 
 
 He's neither poor nor plain; 
 I know that o'er his satin vest 
 He sports an Albert chain ; 
 I know that for a married life 
 His means are quite enough ; 
 But I'll ne'er be the lovely wife 
 Of such a " precious Muff!" 
 
 That vow were perjured and untrue 
 Which pledged me to " obey " 
 
 A thing, who nothing wise can do, 
 Or nothing witty say : 
 
or MUFFS. 
 
 Oh, better far to turn old maid, 
 Love parrots, apes, and snuff, 
 
 Than hfe's most sunny season shade, 
 And wed a " precious Muff I" 
 
30 
 
 THE PHYSIOLOGY 
 
 CHAPTER HI. 
 
 THE YETERAN MUFF. 
 " In comes a coxcomb, and 1 write again." — Young. 
 
 HAT con- 
 tempt 
 which is so 
 generally 
 felt for 
 Muflfs soft- 
 e n s into 
 pity, when 
 we gaze 
 L^^upon some 
 ; .ancientdri- 
 /veller ' in 
 the winter 
 of three- 
 score and 
 ten,' con- 
 tending with his beardless juniors for the cap 
 
OP MTJFrS. 
 
 31 
 
 and bells of MufFhood. How lamentable it is 
 to behold a man wbo has nearly reached the 
 midnight of existence, and whose shadow 
 will soon cease to be reflected on the dial 
 of time, instead of improving the moments 
 which remain, dissipate them in pursuits, not 
 simply unbefitting, but absolutely dishonoura- 
 ble to grey hairs. Blood that has been shed 
 may be renewed, money that has vanished 
 may be again acquired, bruised hearts may 
 be bound up, but time lost can never be 
 regained. 
 
 The only " veteran Muff" with whom we 
 have the misfortune to be intimate is Cymon 
 Evergreen. Some sixty-eight winters have 
 left their snows upon the head of Cymon, 
 who, though he makes up remarkably well, 
 has the candour to otvn to fifty-two. So far 
 as that abominable truth-teller. Nature is con - 
 cerned, he is "sans hair, sans teeth" and 
 deficient in sundry other indications of juve- 
 
32 
 
 THE PHYSIOLOGY 
 
 nility, but art has re-furnislied his person with 
 those graces of which he has been robbed by 
 age. A beautiful peruque, with a curl so 
 delightfully natural, that it is decidedly pre- 
 ferable to the indigenous stock of bristles, 
 which a quarter of a century back blossomed 
 on the caput of Cymon; a complete set of 
 terro-metallic teeth, fictitious calves, and 
 padding in every part of his physique, give to 
 our ancient gallant quite a comely appear- 
 ance, and he flatters himself, notwithstand- 
 ing his tottering gait, and asthmatic cough, 
 that he is a first-rate representative of a 
 man in all the haleness and \dgour of middle 
 age. Many years have rolled away since 
 Cymon's valediction to youth, but though 
 compelled to relinquish its energies and 
 functions, he has managed to retain the 
 most exceptionable of its follies. Instead of 
 considering that state to which age is the 
 precursor, instead of consecrating the re- 
 
OF MUFFS. 33 
 
 mainder of liis days to the noblest end, and 
 employment of existence, this old *' man 
 about town" runs in the same team with the 
 most confirmed puppies. Walk in the neigh- 
 bourhood of Burlington Arcade any fine 
 
 afternoon, and there you will see Cymon 
 rejoicing in the Hyperion ringlets of Truefit, 
 hobbling about upon a stout thorn, ogling the 
 shop-girls, and trying to assume the easy 
 nonchalance of D'Orsay. Sometimes, to per- 
 
34 
 
 THE PHYSIOLOGY 
 
 fectly carry out the spirit of Giovanni -ism 
 which he affects, the " veteran Muff" will drop 
 into that den in Brydges Street, which is called 
 the " Elysium," — the "Infernal Regions," 
 would have been a more appropriate title. 
 In that resort of folly and immorality, Mr. 
 Evergreen " does the handsome" in the way 
 of champagne and supper, and toddles home 
 
 to the music of "we won't go home till morn- 
 ning, till daylight does appear." He awakes in 
 the morning with that very agreeable compa- 
 nion, a tipsy head-ache, and the absence of 
 
his purse, gives him a very indifferent opinion 
 of the philanthropy of that gentleman who 
 was kind enough to see him home. 
 
 Cymon Evergreen, although it is strange to 
 see a man who has one foot in the grave, with 
 another in the hall-room, is a frequent parti- 
 cipator in the " masquerade's fantastic scene," 
 where the Polka in all its original exu- 
 berance' is galloped. Amid this Saturnalia 
 of buffoons, Evergreen, renders himself con- 
 spicuous by his polite attention to the fair 
 sex, although his assumption of youthful 
 grace is not always appreciated. 
 
 At a recent hal masque at Vauxhall, he 
 went in character, as Adonis ; his personation 
 of the cruel hore,'^ instead of the " youth- 
 ful hunter," would, we think, have been a 
 happier effort. The solicitation with which 
 he pressed one Paphian Queen to be his 
 partner in the Cellarius, elicited from her a 
 reply no less remarkable for its brevity than 
 
36 THE PHYSIOLOGY 
 
 its truth:— "Get away, you stupid old 
 buffer." 
 
 Nothing daunted by rejection, he sought a 
 less obdurate beauty, and prevailed upon a 
 fiower-girl to blossom for a while under his 
 protection. Their conversation was not very 
 brilliant, something like the following being 
 the sum and substance of it. 
 
 FlowerMirh " Very warm, Sir." 
 
 Muff. " Yes, Miss," 
 (A pause.) 
 
 Muff. " Pretty music." 
 
 Flower-Girl, " Yes, Sir." 
 
 Muff. " Do you like dancing, Miss ? 
 
 FlowerMirL " Rather, Sir." 
 
 Muff. " Do you think it will rain ? " 
 
 FlowerMirl Don't know. Sir." 
 
 Muff. " You're to advance." 
 
 Flower- Girl. " Oh, Sir." 
 
 And so on through the whole of the dance, 
 Some secret law of attraction kept Evergreer 
 
OP MUFFS. 
 
 37 
 
 and the flower-girl together during the even- 
 ing, but he could not induce the fair incognita 
 to remove her mask. He treated her with 
 strawberry ice but that did not thaw her 
 resolve, the more jellies she consumed, the 
 more glutinous or adhesive did her vizor 
 appear to grow. 
 
 At length, supper-time drew nigh. Supper! 
 Meal of intellect and social fellowship ! With 
 what delightful reminiscences is thy name 
 linked ! When the toils of diurnal labour are 
 over, partaking of this friendly repast, we 
 gaze, as it were, through " the loop-holes of 
 retreat," upon the cares which we have thrown 
 aside, until the morning calls us back to the 
 world. What a perfect absorption of uneasi- 
 ness, what an expansion of the best feelings 
 of our nature, are the attributes of the supper- 
 table. What an important feature does supper 
 constitute in those hybernal recreations, called 
 " evening parties.'* It sobers and steadies the 
 
ss 
 
 THE PHYSIOLOGY 
 
 spirits excited to an unhealthy degree by the 
 dance, it refreshes the system, it gives the old 
 folks, whose dancing days are over, an oppor- 
 tunity of coming out in the speechifying line, 
 and enables the beau of the ball-room to 
 distinguish himself still more highly, and to 
 pave the way for future conquests, by pro- 
 posing " the health of the ladies." 
 
 And the mighty influence of supper was not 
 unfelt by Evergreen and the Flower-girl. 
 He shelled out liberally for a lobster and the 
 et ceteras, and by way of a finale^ ordered a 
 bowl of punch, a celestial beverage, which 
 has the reputation of unlocking the lips and 
 unravelling all secrets. Nor did the liquor 
 bely its fame in this instance, for as the 
 Flower-girl was emptying her seventh glass 
 of this pretty tipple, it met with some ob- 
 struction in the oesophagus, which occasioned 
 her to cough, a spasmodic action, whereby the 
 strings of her mask were broken, the mask 
 
OF MUFFS- 
 
 39 
 
 itself tumbling into tlie punch-bowl. Horror 
 of horrors ! What did Cymon Evergreen 
 behold ? What blanched his cheek, and made 
 his hair to stand aghast ? The vision of an 
 elderly pock-marked woman, rising forty-five, 
 Tabitha Mopstick, his laundress ! 
 
40 
 
 THE PHYSIOLOGY 
 
 g THE SPECULATING MUPF. 
 "All is not gold that glitters." 
 
 OLD PRO^^KB. 
 
 In the year 1840, Mr. John 
 Gudgeon was in very good fea- 
 ther. He held a lucrative Go- 
 vernment situation, the auto- 
 graphic duties of which did 
 not exhaust a halfpenny- worth 
 of ink annually, and lived en 
 ^^^^5^ gargon in a sweet little rural 
 snuggery in St. John's Wood. When we 
 add that he was naturally inclined to hospita- 
 lity, kept a good cellar and imported his own 
 
OF MUFFS. 
 
 41 
 
 eigars, it may be surmised that his friends were 
 by no means backward in depositing their feet 
 beneath his mahogany, partaking of the good 
 things which were spread upon his festive 
 board, and eulogizing the good things which 
 were uttered by their entertainer. 
 
 So comfortably provided for, a common- 
 place observer would have fancied, that the 
 prospect of a pretty wife and of a gradually 
 increasing income would have made Gudgeon 
 happy and contented. But ^our MufF, how- 
 ever, was bent upon aggrandizement — he 
 sought to convert his hundreds into thousands, 
 not by industrious toil, the only true Philoso- 
 pher's Stone, but by some golden stroke of 
 fortune, which, with the expedition of Alad- 
 din's lamp, should transmute him into a 
 Rothschild. Like most people in a hurry to 
 get rich, Gudgeon went the most circuitous 
 way about it, sacrificing the substantial ten- 
 ure of a moderate competence for the deceit- 
 c 
 
42 
 
 THE PHYSIOLOGY 
 
 ful shadow of illimitable wealth. Seldom has 
 there been a better illustration of 
 
 ** Man never is, but always to be blessed." 
 At the friendly reunions to which we have 
 adverted, cards were generally introduced, 
 and Gudgeon frequently had the misfortune 
 to win, seldom being so lucky as to lose. 
 This success at cards was indeed to him a 
 misfortune, for it stimulated and encouraged 
 that propensity to speculation, which is ruin- 
 ous to all commercial interests, and which it 
 is not too much to call a monetary intoxica- 
 tion. Dazzled by the prospects of gain, but 
 with a judgment too feeble to calculate on 
 the contingencies which existed against its 
 realization, Gudgeon readily lent himself to 
 every scheme which promised, or seemed to 
 promise, to swell his coffers. He was a dis- 
 tinguished patron of raffles, and anybody who 
 adopted this mode to dispose of worthless 
 articles upon which he could obtain no ad- 
 
OF MUFFS. 
 
 43 
 
 vance from the pawnbrokers or the marine 
 store shops, was sure to have John Gudgeon's 
 name and subscription. In the course ot 
 twenty raffles he only won a night- cap and a 
 toasting fork ; still this trifling luck egged 
 him on, and he continued to shake the dice- 
 box and to throw low numbers until more 
 weighty speculations expanded his gullibility 
 and contracted his purse. 
 
 In an evil moment, Gudgeon made the 
 acquaintance of Major Dobrown at a billiard- 
 room in the Strand. The Major was a man 
 of the world, and, by his politeness in per- 
 mitting his opponent to win several games 
 successively, impressed Gudgeon with a very 
 excellent idea of his own play, and of 
 Dobrown's gentlemanly bearing. The " Spe- 
 culative Muff" little thought that, while 
 pocketing his hazard, he was hazarding his 
 pocket, — he little dreamt that the result 
 of his canons would be to leave him 
 
44 
 
 THE PHYSIOLOGY 
 
 without powder and shot. The intimacy 
 grew more confirmed ; Gudgeon invited 
 Dobrown to his villa, and that off-hand, 
 warm-hearted individual slapped his enter- 
 tainer upon the back, and called him " my 
 dear fellow." 
 
 About this period it was that the railway 
 mania commenced ; and that men, like 
 Actseon, were metamorphosed into " stags," 
 to be devoured by the hounds of the law. 
 Bubbles, the most preposterous, were started 
 — ^the more visionary they were, the more 
 easily the credulous were swindled. There 
 seemed a frightful paucity of brains, but a 
 plentiful glut of money in the market. Men, 
 whose butchers' and bakers' accounts had 
 been in arrear for months, were every day 
 purchasing railway stock to the amoxmt of 
 twenty or thirty thousand pounds. 
 
 It was a common thing to see a purveyor of 
 meat to the feline population in the enjoy. 
 
OF MUFFS. 
 
 45 
 
 ment of the honorary title of " Esquire/' in 
 virtue of his having subscribed for one 
 hundred and fifty shares in some railway 
 which was quite as likely to be laid down in 
 the moon, as upon her sister-planet, the 
 earth. And, consequent upon the specula- 
 tion-fever, companies sprang up as numerous 
 as mushrooms, and as noxious as toadstools. 
 There was the "Baked Potatoe Company," 
 with a capital of half-a-million, to be estab- 
 lished for the purpose of supplying the com- 
 munity with potatoes, ready-cooked, salted, 
 peppered, and buttered, warranted free from 
 the tenantcy of the aphis vastator. Then 
 there was the " Universal Snuffers Associa- 
 tion," which engaged to supply every man, 
 woman, and child in the United Kingdom 
 with a pair of those useful regenerators of tal- 
 low candles, at the low price of one penny ; 
 but this was a " new lighf which was speedily 
 extinguished. 
 
46 
 
 THE PHYSIOLOGY 
 
 In one of these notable schemes Major 
 Dobrown was the principal mover. A new 
 company, under the most brilliant auspices, 
 was founded for the construction of a sub- 
 marine railway from Dover to Calais. Of 
 this stupendous project, which was to over- 
 shadow the fame of Brunei, and to render the 
 Thames Tunnel nothing more than a mole- 
 hole. Major Dobrown was the managing direc- 
 tor. It was a mighty conception, the restora- 
 tion of our island to that continent, of which, 
 if the geologist may be credited, some 
 thousands of years back it formed a part, 
 untildetached by a convulsion of nature. At 
 les^S^o Gudgeon thought; and he further 
 believed that the capital which he advanced 
 would in a few years manifold itself, like the 
 polypus, each severed fragment of which be- 
 comes a perfect animal. He became an ex- 
 tensive shareholder upon the strength of 
 Dobrown' s representations, and even with- 
 
OF MUFFS. 47 
 
 drew his balance from his banker's to engulf 
 it in the "Deep, deep sea" undertaking. 
 
 Capital being all that was required to make 
 
48 
 
 THE PHYSIOLOGY 
 
 the maritiine railway go on swimmingly, 
 Gudgeon gave his acceptance to several bills, 
 drawn by Dobrown, being assured by the lat- 
 ter that it was a mere matter of form. 
 
 The panic came, and same qui pent was the 
 order of the day. The Dover and Calais Sub- 
 Marine Railway was swamped by the waves 
 of popular agitation (uncalmed, alas ! by the 
 oil of dividend,) with little prospect of its 
 ever being perfected, unless the mermaids 
 take it in hand. Major Dobrown, who was 
 more skilful in devising remedies for, than in 
 meeting financial difficulties, suddenly became 
 scarce — his home knew him no more. The 
 last tidings received of him were, that he was 
 in Pennsylvania, very amiably employed in 
 enlightening the honest natives of that State, 
 upon the point of an immediate liquidation of 
 their liabilities, and an honourable discharge 
 of their bonds. The other men of straw, who 
 had lived so long upon chaff, became imp^^l- 
 
OF MUP±&. 
 
 49 
 
 pable to the touch of the bailiffs ; but Gud- 
 geon was caught. Being unable to take up 
 the bills which 
 he had so un- 
 warilyaccepted, 
 he was himself .: 
 taken up be-| 
 fore he could e- 
 vapor ate. The 
 Maelstrom of 
 the law swal- 
 lowed up all his J 
 property, and! 
 after much suf- 
 ! fering, he found 
 himself at liberty to begin the world again, un- 
 shopped and without a sous. The " Speculating 
 Muff" eventually became a penny-a-liner, a 
 retailer of murders " shocking to relate," and 
 of the ravages of the " devouring element." 
 But from all the lines of fugitive intelligence 
 
5Q ^jj^ ^xarSIOLOGY 
 
 which he ever traced, he derived not one 
 hundredth part of the advantages which he 
 might have done, had he been warned by the 
 prophecy conveyed (and, oh ! too completely 
 fulfilled,) in the following. 
 
 RAILWAY LINES. 
 
 Oh ! we live in an age of improvement, 
 
 Old things are forgot like a dream, 
 And every new fangled movement 
 
 Its origin traces to steam ! j 
 To excite our surprise wonders cease, 
 
 And charity surely is failing, 
 When the very promoters of peace 
 
 Have grown quite addicted to railing! 
 
 Fresh railroads are forming by dozens, 
 
 Predestined to bring in their train 
 Visitations of green country cousins, 
 
 To inflict purgatorial pain. 
 And this wonderful Intellect's march 
 
 Is making our journeys laconic, 
 For we travel through ways that are arch, 
 
 And our roads are all turning ironic ! 
 
OP MUFFS. 
 
 The box-seat and ribands forsaking, 
 
 Our safety to guards we consign, 
 Who, in spite of tee-total pledge -taking, 
 
 Get frequently over the line ! 
 Better ride with a whip that is sewn-up, 
 
 Than to risks more alarming surrender, 
 And, like girls that are love-sick, be bhwn-up. 
 
 Because we're attached to the tender ! 
 
 And for towns, scarcely five miles in distance, 
 
 Projectors plan railway designs, 
 Glad, like Dryden,to eke out existence 
 
 On the profit of twelvepenny lines! 
 Speculation, like Juggernaut's car, 
 
 With frenzy infects every quarter, 
 And that she may rise above par. 
 
 Wishes many a dutiful daughter ! 
 
 Alas for the day ! when the bubbles, 
 Exploding, respire their last breath 
 
 When hundreds shall seek for their troubles, 
 A terminus gloomy in death : 
 
52 
 
 THE PHYSIOLOGY 
 
 And of those who survive what a view in 
 
 Perspective for their consolation— 
 They have travelled the Railroad to Ruin, 
 And the workhouse will be their last station! 
 
53 
 
 CHAPTER V. 
 
 LITERARY MUFFS, 
 
 "Has Lico learning, hu- 
 mour, thought profound ? 
 Neither ; why write then ? 
 
 he wants twenty pounds : 
 His belly, not his brains, 
 
 this impulse give ; 
 He'll grow immortal, for 
 he cannot live." 
 
 Young. 
 
 ERHAPs Muffs are never 
 so supremely ridiculous, 
 as when, afflicted by the 
 c:-^ cacdethes scribendi, they 
 discharge '^their leaden lucubrations 
 upon the world. They have never 
 been reputed for endeavouring to give a cur- 
 
54 
 
 THE PHYSIOLOGY 
 
 rencT to their dross, of which it was no 
 susceptible, from the days of Horace to those 
 of Pope, from those of Pope to the era of 
 Byron. It may be, that we are attaching too 
 high a degree of antiquity to the Muffs, in 
 supposing that they existed in the Augustan 
 epoch of Rome ; certain it is, however, that at 
 that period the capital of the Caesars was 
 infested by a tribe of literary plagiarists, not 
 very dissimilar to the bemuddled Crichtons of 
 our own time. One of these buccaneers, with 
 an effrontery not to be surpassed in 1848, 
 claimed the authorship, and received the 
 reward, of some verses which Virgil had pub- 
 lished anonymously in honour of Augustus. 
 The Mantuan bard, savage at not only be- 
 ing robbed of fame, but of the solid pudding, 
 by the contemptible Bathyllus, gave the 
 poetaster rather a hard nut to crack in the 
 shape of a poetical problem, consisting of the 
 words, Sic vos non vohis,'' which, as there 
 
OF MXJFFfe. 
 
 were no perambulating advertising vans m 
 those days, he inscribed very legibly on a 
 poster, and affixed to the gate of the emperor's 
 palace. Above these he placed the lines which 
 had been stolen, adding thereto — " Hos ego 
 versiculos feci, alter tulit honoresr In vain did 
 Bathyllus, and other minds of mediocrity en- 
 deavour to get at the solution— it was "no 
 go," and at length the meaning was supplied 
 by Virgil himself, and the pilferer Bathyllus 
 became the laughing-stock of Rome. We hear 
 of no further piratical attempts against the 
 poetry of Virgil. 
 
 In homely but knock-down language. Pope 
 and Young assailed the "black militia of the 
 pen," by whom they were jostled, holding the 
 healthy doctrine that 
 
 « The fool and knave 'tis glorious to offend." 
 When they wrote, the effeminate influences of 
 affectation were less in the ascendant than 
 now ; and they expressed themselves in terms 
 
56 
 
 THE PHYSIOLOGY 
 
 which our genteel generation would designate 
 as " coarse but terms, full of meaning, and 
 which despised the veil of a flimsy equivoque. 
 Byron, too,was not slow to use^" the rod," and, 
 even with his phraseology, modern delicacy 
 was shocked. The fact is, vice and folly 
 cannot bear to hear the truth, and have an 
 invincible repugnance to the faithful deli- 
 neation of their own features ; and one must 
 beat about the bush to find language suf- 
 ficiently courtly to tickle their ears ; and, to 
 give satisfaction, must impart to their portraits 
 the loveliness of a Madonna. We will not 
 pander to the morbid taste of a depraved 
 class ; and though we cannot hope to wield 
 the lash with that beneficial severity to which 
 it was turned in the hands of the mighty 
 satirists we have named, we shall not hesi- 
 sitate to unkennel some of the literary 
 charlatans, of whom the best thing that can 
 be said is, that their mischievous propensities 
 
 ! 
 
OE MUFFS. 
 
 57 
 
 are counteracted by their asinine develop- 
 ments. 
 
 Muffish litterateurs, whether clumsy plagi- 
 arists or the manufacturers of original fustian, 
 are so numerous and varied, that our sketches 
 of these pretenders must be mere outlines, for 
 to deal fully with such curiosities of literature, 
 would occupy volumes, and cause a great 
 influx in the waste paper-market. Muffs 
 have a most sublime disregard for such stum- 
 bling-blocks to ideality, as orthography, 
 grammar, and punctuation, and, in the spirit 
 of a Tell, emancipate themselves from these 
 fetters to genius. There is a lunatic asylum, 
 near Dumfries, in which a paper is edited, 
 written, and printed by the inmates ; such a 
 journal, we conceive, would be an excellent 
 channel for the promulgation of Muff- ef- 
 fusions, and we do hope that, in recognition 
 of the force of this suggestion,'^ newspapers 
 and magazines may be got up in all the 
 
58 THE PHYSIOLOGY 
 
 private and public madhouses of London. 
 Muffs would not then be at the mercy of the 
 hard-hearted editors of some publications; 
 
 the insane conductors 
 of Bedlam literature 
 would, with kindred 
 feeling, print their ema- 
 nations, and diffuse 
 them among a large 
 body of discriminating 
 readers. Then indeed 
 would " poetry run 
 mad'' find an appro- 
 priate niche. 
 One of the most impudent of Literary Mug's 
 is David Dhulas, an illiterate pamphleteer in 
 the Borough. Too thick-skulled to earn a 
 living by following the craft of a costermonger, 
 or a scavenger, this Mr. Dhulas seeks to pick 
 up the pence by fourpenny hops, and two- 
 penny harangues. He dignifies his dreary den 
 
or Murrs. 59 
 
 by the name of " Pandemonium Hall," in the 
 Terpsichorean orgies of which the public are 
 invited to luxuriate at a groat a head ; and o^ 
 
 Sundays the salon de dcmse is converted into 
 a low infidel spouting-shop where the patois of 
 Billingsgate, and the maiming of her Majesty's 
 English, offend delicacy and grammatical pre- 
 cision. Now and then some of the neighbours 
 delicately hint that Pandemonium Hall is a 
 nuisance, upon which Mr. Dhulas launches 
 forth his thunder in the shape of a somniferous 
 
60 
 
 THE PHYSIOLOGY 
 
 pamphlet, full not only of errors of the press, 
 but of those errors, a revise of which is not 
 easily attainable — the errata of the heart and 
 head. But we have said sufficient of this 
 Muff— 
 
 " Replete with venom, guileless of a sting." 
 
 Further review of his works we leave to 
 the critical acumen of the police. 
 
 Shallow Macsnob is a Muff, who affects 
 historical lore and political depth ; and upon 
 the strength of his ha^'ing written a History 
 of Little Britain, thinks himself a Hume or a 
 Guizot. In his famous historical work he has 
 dwelt very minutely upon that venerable 
 edifice the Bull and Mouth, carefully coUatmg 
 the legends of its tap-room, and bringing 
 before the learned world elaborate genealogical 
 charts of the several pot-boys, and others who 
 have been officially connected with that huge 
 establishment. And from the circumstance 
 
OF MUFES. 
 
 61 
 
 of Macsnob having had the run of the kitchen, 
 he has been enabled to furnish the public with 
 biographical memoirs of the cooks who 
 have at various periods contributed towards 
 the refection of the travellers tarrying in that 
 European caravanserai. 
 
 Macsnob indulges in a fashionable lisp, and 
 upon entering into society assumes all the 
 consequence which he conceives the historian 
 of Little Britain should display, before minds 
 of too inferior a calibre to appreciate his eman- 
 ations. Attached to eccentric costume, 
 Macsnob scorns to shadow any of the intel- 
 lectuality of his face beneath a collar, and 
 from his invariably buttoning his vest close 
 up to his neck, we have sometimes thought 
 that he was also deficient in a garment much 
 more essential to comfort. In what attic 
 region he abides, in what sky -adjacent shrine 
 he pours forth his sublime effusions, is a 
 gecret concealed in the recesses of his own 
 
62 THE PHTSIOLOGY 
 
 bosom : but rumour asserts that be bas been 
 seen emerging from tbe savoury pui-lieus of 
 SafFron HiU. 
 
 Mr. Macsnob is one of tbose scribblers who 
 
 « Love and hate extempore for gold. " 
 
 bis contributions sometimes grace tbe columns 
 of tbe press. Occasionally tbe tasteless 
 editor ventures to question tbe propriety of 
 tbe language employed by Macsnob, wbo in- 
 variably repbes in an interrogatory form— 
 " Do you tbink so At tbe same time the 
 ill-concealed bue of passion wbicb steals over 
 bis pallid face, sbews tbat if be did not dread a 
 curtailment of tbe ready, be would not allow 
 the progeny of bis brain to be immolated. 
 He deals in tbe severe, writing prose about as 
 clear as tbe poetry of public-bouse improvisa- 
 teurs, and after reading wbicb, one is tempted 
 to exclaim, " What does it all mean ?" Affecta- 
 tion without elegance, sarcasm without point. 
 
OP MXTFT'S 
 
 63 
 
 and an utter innocence of meaning in his com- 
 positions, stamp Macsnob asapedant, although, 
 when he first came from the North, it is said he 
 was a pedlar, an avocation in which he did not 
 offer for sale such inferior wares as he now 
 fabricates. 
 
 "With pleasure we now turn to a Muff of a 
 more serial character. Eccles Cake, Esq., the 
 poetic Muff, and the most famous operatic bard 
 of the day. Who has not heard of the poet 
 Cake — the metrical recorder of the sorrows 
 of The Abstemious Girl, Mary Darner, and 
 other heroines of love and romance ? Mr. 
 Cake seems fully aware that there are no 
 poetical elements in common-sense, a clog 
 which he most sedulously excludes from any 
 lihreito upon which he is engaged. There is 
 a charming mistiness about his poetry, which, 
 so long as it runs trippingly along, he does 
 not care to make intelligible. He sets aE 
 rules of syntax at defiance, and desecrates 
 
64 
 
 THE PHYSIOLOGY 
 
 the memory of Lindley Murray by allowing 
 his muse to trample upon the niceties of 
 grammar. He is the Goth of the drama, 
 having deposed Shakspeare, and set up his 
 own calfish image for theatrical idolaters to 
 worship. To shew the public what they 
 have gained by the exchange, we are happy 
 to offer them a specimen of Mr. Cake's genius, 
 in the following touching and beautiful 
 
 ROMANZA. 
 
 Matilda, o'er wliose lambent brow, 
 
 The lucid light of thought was straying, 
 Had fed with cabbage -leaves the cow, 
 
 When, lo ! she heard a minstrel's playing ; 
 « Sweet girl !" he sang, « from scenes like these 
 
 The voice of true affection calls, 
 Stain not thy hands by making cheese, 
 
 But dwell with me in marble halls." 
 
 The maid, enchanted by his lute. 
 
 Her filial duties thought of sUghting, 
 
 But gazing on the seedy suit. 
 The serenader stood upright in, 
 
OF MUFFS. 
 
 A change came o'er her, and she sighed, 
 " I cannot quit my natal walls, 
 
 Where plenty smiles, to be thy bride, 
 And live on air in marble^halls. 
 
 The troabadour no more was seen, 
 
 Remorse too late oi)pressed Matilda, 
 
THE PHYSIOLOGY 
 
 Whose appetite became less keen, 
 Till abstinence and sorrow killed her, 
 
 The legends of the village say, 
 That when the dewy twilight falls, 
 
 A spectre- lute is heard to play 
 Love's dirge amid the marble halls ! 
 
OF MUFFS. 
 
 67 
 
 CHAPTER VI. 
 
 THE MILITARY MUFF. 
 
 « Fluttering officers who 
 never fight." 
 
 Dryden. 
 
 F the two war esta- 
 blishments which 
 Great Britain main- 
 tains, and to furnish 
 the glittering equip- 
 ments whereof a 
 heavy tax is laid upon the pockets of civilians, 
 the Army alone yields a supply of Muffs. Like 
 many other " great facts," of which we recog- 
 nise the existence only without competence 
 to assign a cause for their being, it is an un- 
 doubted truism that the Navy produces no 
 Muffs, but the why or the wherefore is one of 
 
68 
 
 THE PHYSIOLOGY 
 
 the mysterious things which are not " dreamt 
 of in our philosophy." It may be that the 
 hardy aspirants for naval distinction have 
 their intellects brightened, and their thoughts 
 elevated, by the exciting character of their 
 profession. Gazing upon the earth-encir- 
 cling sea, the symbol of infinity, and visiting 
 many lands, exercise an expanding influence 
 upon their souls, and render them incapable 
 of harbouring those conventional common- 
 places in which the barrack-heroes of the 
 shore delight. "WTioever saw a carpet-knight 
 in a man-of-war? Not simply the laurels 
 of the victor, but the wreath of poetry and 
 history have been gained by the sons 
 of the wave. The " Shipwreck" of Falconer, 
 the imperishable ocean lyrics of Dibdin, and 
 the letters of Collingwood, amid a host of sea- 
 bom literature, abundantly establish the 
 connexion between genius and the navy. 
 Seldom, however, do high attainments and 
 
OF MUrFS. 
 
 69 
 
 military fame go hand-in-hand. Sometimes 
 we encounter a brilliant exception, but such 
 exceptions are " few, and far between." From 
 " the wooden walls of Old England," how 
 many an inspiriting lay has been poured forth, 
 how many a glorious thought has emanated, 
 which, renewing itself like the ocean- wave, 
 has rolled onwards and fertilized the remotest 
 shores. Can such an ennobling service as 
 the Navy breed Muffs ? ^ Oh no ! — all its 
 associations preclude such an anomalous 
 feature in its body — a native Naval Muff is a 
 nondescript, which time has not seen, and 
 which no future historian of the genus can 
 hope to include in his catalogue. 
 
 Military men are generally favourites with 
 the ladies, a distinction for which they are, 
 in a great measure, indebted to the " dash" 
 which they make in their showy uniform. 
 Moreover, they are the modern types of the 
 Templars, Hospitallers, and other orders of 
 
70 
 
 THE PHYSIOLOGY 
 
 "belligerent knights, who in the ancient time 
 did battle for the honour of a smile, or a 
 riband from their mistresses, avenged the 
 cause of injured beauty, and were always 
 ready to act upon the gallant suggestion in- 
 spired by the motto — Hommage aux dames. 
 Although our modern warriors have by no 
 means that constant supply of work cut out 
 for them, in which the knight- err ants were so 
 frequently engaged that they scarcely ever 
 had time to put on their night-caps, still in 
 virtue of their gay decorations they have pro- 
 mulgated the monopolising dogma that 
 " None but the brave deserve the fair," the 
 " brave," of course, being the spruce martinets 
 in the Army. If we gave a liberal interpre- 
 tation to this saying, the members of the 
 metropolitan police, and the pugilistic cham- 
 pions of the ring,have at leastas strong a Hen on 
 the smiles of loveliness, as the padded, bewhis- 
 kered, chattering red-coats of the ball-room. 
 
71 
 
 To the class just mentioned belongs the 
 Honourable Agamemnon Smith, Lieutenant 
 in the regiment of the Royal Blazers. Aga- 
 memnon makes up well, and is an excellent 
 advertisement to the army accoutrement-maker, 
 by whom he is equipped. He has only re- 
 cently entered his present corps, having ex- 
 changed from one which was ordered out to 
 India, for Smith did not care to forfeit the 
 petticoat-fame which he had acquired as 
 a " pretty fellow," for the gazette-reputation of 
 having fallen in the glorious cause of injustice 
 and aggression. He is a prodigious pet 
 with the women, for he dances the Cellarius 
 with undeniable grace, discourses most elo- 
 quently of Weippart, cultivates a crop of 
 ferocious moustaches, and presents an ice like 
 a courtier. At the mess-table he is no con- 
 temptible votary ^of Bacchus, and when the 
 senior officers have retired, garnishes his 
 conversation with slang, and a sprinkling of 
 
THE PHYSIOLOGY 
 
 the most approved oaths, hums Opera tunes, 
 and fancies himself the nob of the room. 
 
 He is a hero only in name, not in heart ; 
 the gay dissipation of a military life has 
 charmed him into buying a commission, and 
 " cribbed, cabined and confined" in the 
 narrow range of the barracks of a country 
 
OF MUFFS. 
 
 73 
 
 town, he has little opportunity of marking 
 social progress, a few idle visits of ceremony 
 and pleasure, a mess-dinner, a country ball — 
 
 that assemblage of wealth, pride and stupidity, 
 being all that he sees of the world. The 
 glances which he is enabled to catch of 
 society, impart to him no more idea of its 
 internal arrangements, than the telescope 
 
74 THE PHYSIOLOGY OF MUFFS. 
 
 gives to the student of the geography of 
 the Moon. But, unlike the other Muffs, 
 the faults of the Military Muff chiefly 
 result from youth, inexperience, and an 
 overdue estimate of the profession to which 
 he belongs. Agamemnon Smith is not irre- 
 claimable ; years may sober down the exu- 
 berance of juvenile folly, experience of the 
 hollowness of adulation may render him better 
 acquainted with himself, and he may learn 
 that there are things which it is more glorious 
 to kill than time, and conquests which yield 
 nobler trophies than giddy heads and incon- 
 stant hearts. 
 
75 
 
 CHAPTER V. 
 
 THE HOBKID MUFF. 
 And tlms he blunders on through life."— anon. 
 
 IS a ''horrid MufF,"— a 
 sort of Hamlet in domes- 
 tic life. His career is a 
 continuous contre temps, 
 as a blunder is politely na- 
 med. The charitable call 
 him an eccentric, but the 
 observant know that, un- 
 der the garb of eccentri- 
 city, many gross infringe- 
 ments upon good breed- 
 ing are committed. He 
 always seems lost in a 
 
76 
 
 THE PHYSIOLOGY 
 
 " brown study," doing or saying just the re- 
 verse of what is appropriate, and is a perfect 
 incubus in the families where he visits, who 
 are ever dreading some outbreak of the "hor- 
 rid Muff;" but as he is well to do in the 
 
 world, he is 9 prize which scheming mammas 
 
OF MUFFS. 
 
 77 
 
 with portionless daughters think it an object 
 to secure. 
 
 In the simplest matters he exhibits the 
 cloven foot of Muffhood. If he has to enter 
 an omnibus, he is sure to tread upon the toes 
 of all the persons in the vehicle, and to make 
 a rent in some lady's dress with his umbrella. 
 At an evening party he is a perfect " bull in 
 a china- shop.'* 
 
 One evening last winter, Mrs. Scaniftag 
 gave a soirie to which Snooks was invited. 
 He was ushered into the drawing-room, 
 where the guests, already assembled, had 
 gathered round the tea-table to luxuriate in 
 that refreshing beverage which breaks through 
 the ice of formality, and promotes a better 
 understanding among the company than would 
 a dozen masters of the ceremonies. Snooks 
 was introduced to the party and took his seat. 
 He sat next to a gentleman, whose wife had 
 some years before quitted the marital roof 
 
THE PHYSIOLOGY 
 
 under circumstances little creditable to her. 
 Sydney was acquainted with the fact, but as 
 his mind was not a calendar of Temale ijnpro- 
 prieties, it was not at that moment uppermost 
 in his thoughts. He entered into conversa- 
 tion with his neighbour on the inexhaustible 
 topic of the weather — ^the news followed, and 
 Mr. Snooks proceeded to amuse Mr. Jones 
 with , the particulars of a trial of recent occur- 
 rence, in which an injured husband had reco- 
 vered heavy damages. " In the generality of 
 cases," he emphatically added, " where a wife 
 imperils her reputation, I consider the hus- 
 band most in fault. He has either cancelled 
 her affection by indifference ; or he has set 
 her a bad example ; or, allowing her too loose 
 a rein, he has subsequently been unable to 
 control the jade. Few, if any, men thus situ- 
 af^d, are objects of genuine commiseration." 
 —"Sir!" exclaimed Jones, waxing savage. 
 In a moment, recollection flashed across 
 
79 
 
 Snooks's brain; he perceived the error into 
 which he had fallen ^ and he stammered out 
 an apology hardly less offensive than his pre- 
 ceding slip of the tongue :— I beg your par» 
 don, Sir!" — Mr. Jones did not soften into 
 amiability, but with a melodramatic scowl re- 
 moved his chair to the other end of the table. 
 
 Upon the removal of the tea=things, the 
 real business of the evening began, for al- 
 though professedly got up for the promotion 
 of pleasure, there is as much business effected 
 at evening parties as upon 'Change. 'A 
 drawing-room is the great mart for younger 
 sons, gaby wife-hunters, speculative mothers, 
 and beauties, who having been out three 
 seasons without an offer, are considered about 
 as ineligible for hymeneal distinction, as a 
 four-year-older to run for the Derby. There 
 too ,it is that the rising star of the season 
 breaks through the clouds o£ domestic seclu- 
 sion, attracts many worshippers, becomes a 
 
80 
 
 THE PHYSIOLOGY 
 
 fianc^e^ and resigns' all tlie fascinations of the 
 gay world for love in a Regent's Park Cot- 
 tage. — Mrs. Scanmag, amid her polite atten- 
 tions to her guests, did not lose sight of the 
 fact, that her daughter Clarissa would be 
 twenty-nine next birth-day, which mature age 
 she had nearly reached (what were the men 
 about?) unlicensed and unhamied, Clarissa 
 danced remarkably well, and Sydney Snooks 
 had the felicity to secure her for his partner 
 in the first quadrille. They were the top 
 couple, but Snooks was unprovided with the 
 figure-card he usually carried, and he quite 
 outraged Miss Scanmag by his stupidity in 
 advancing when he should have stood still, 
 and in standing still when he should have ad- 
 vanced, in mistaking pantdlonliox Vete, putting 
 out the other dancers, discomfiting Cla- 
 rissa'iB graceful movements, and gaining for 
 himself the reputation of a dancing bear. 
 Clarissa Scanmag, displeased as she was 
 
OF MUFFS. 
 
 8i 
 
 with the exhibition of Snooks' s awkward ma- 
 noeuvres, veiled her resentment, and declined 
 to join the next dance, upon the plea of fa- 
 tigue. Sydney took a place by her upon the 
 settee, and either his conversation was very 
 insinuating, or she was very forgiving, for she 
 said in a languid tone:—" Sydney— I beg 
 pardon — Mr. Snooks — will you be so kind 
 as to bring me a 'glass of wine.*' He 
 rushed to execute the commission, poured 
 out the wine, placed it upon a salver, ap- 
 proached the young lady, and, in endeavouring 
 to make his bow and presentation simulta- 
 neous, lost his equilibrium, and precipitated 
 glass, wine, and salver into the lap of Miss 
 Scanmag, who flung herself into a position 
 at this distressing event, which Helen 
 Faucit might have envied. Poor Sydney was 
 even more confused than the lady; he blushed, 
 lost his presence of mind, and would have 
 clandestinely quitted the scene of his disasters, 
 
82 THE PHYSIOLOGY 
 
 had not Mrs. Scanmag, divining his intention, 
 
 in the blandest manner reassured him — " It 
 was of no consequence whatever ; an accident 
 
OF MUFFS. 
 
 83 
 
 not worth thinking about ; the stain would 
 soon wash out ; no apology was necessary." 
 
 With a wisdom which he did not always 
 display, our unambitious friend quietly with- 
 drew to the sofa, to be out of harm's way. 
 Mrs. Scanmag joined him, and entertained 
 him with an enumeration of the good qualities 
 of her daughter. " Clarissa was such a pa- 
 tient angel ; she had the sweetest of tempers, 
 and would make a treasure of a wdfe. Cla- 
 rissa did not care for what the world called a 
 splendid match ; she would rather have the 
 man she loved without a penny, than give her 
 hand to a duke where her heart did not ac- 
 company it. There was Sir Benjamin Bosh 
 quite in despair because he could not win the 
 affections of Clarissa ; and General Stumpy, who 
 has just sailed for India, had in vain solicited 
 her to accompany him as his wife." " The truth 
 of the matter is," continued Mrs. Scanmag, 
 confidentially,—" I believe, Mr. Snooks, that 
 
84 
 
 THB PHYSIOLOGY 
 
 Clarissa has permitted her young heart to 
 cherish an affection, which she is too timid 
 to reveal. Pardon a mother's partiality and 
 feelings, but I do not know what will become 
 of me when I lose my sweet Clarissa." 
 
 Thus the time passed away without any 
 mischief, thanks to Mrs. Scanmag detaining 
 the horrid Muff" in custody. Miss Clarissa, 
 during the suspension of the dance, wishing 
 to show off her vocal powers, thought the 
 best way to compass this design was to en- 
 treat Clementina Muggins to sing. Clemen- 
 tina, of course, pleaded a severe cold. 
 
 " Now, dear, you must oblige us with, 
 * Away to the mountain's brow.'" 
 
 Miss Muggins no longer hesitated ; but she 
 had a soul above singing English, so she 
 placed Di piacer,'' on the music-stand. 
 
 "Shall I accompany you, dear?" dulcetly 
 enquired the amiable Clarissa. 
 
 No — thank you, love, I won't trouble 
 
OF MUFFS. 
 
 85 
 
 you/' replied Clementina, who had an instinc- 
 tive consciousness that the benevolent object 
 of Miss Scanmag was to drown the beauties of 
 " i)i/?2Wr"inanobstreporous accompaniment. 
 
 Despite her plebeian patronymic, Clemen- 
 tina Muggins was a very pretty girl, and par- 
 tiality for pretty girls sometimes blinds one's 
 judgment. So, although in Clementina's per- 
 formance of the aria there was nothing to 
 remind of Grisi, the applause bestowed upon 
 her by the gentlemen was most uproarious ; 
 nothing less than an encore would satisfy 
 these connoisseurs. The ladies were less 
 moderate in their raptures, " faint praise " 
 being all they were inclined to bestow. Hav- 
 ing warbled " 'Robert^ toi que Jaime*'' in a 
 strain of tenderness which almost affected 
 Snooks to tears, Clementina urgently pressed 
 Clarissa to sing, who, after some matter-of- 
 course excuses, assumed the vacant throne, 
 determined to eclipse the odious Clementina. 
 
86 
 
 THE PHYSIOLOGY 
 
 and to snatch the wreath of Prima Donna-ship 
 of the evening. Now, Sydney was a very re- 
 spectable pianist, and Mrs. Scanmag thought 
 it would be making hay while the sun shone, 
 if she could persuade him to accompany her 
 daughter on the instrument. He complied, 
 and Clarissa resigning the music-stool, pre- 
 pared to electrify the room with her vocaliza- 
 tion of " Casta Diva:' The intrinsic beauty 
 of the music gratified — one might have heard 
 a pin drop — at least, a rolling-pin. As 
 Sydney went on playing, abstraction stole over 
 the mind of Snooks— the silvery notes of 
 Clementina Muggins floated upon his ear— he 
 fancied that her dying cadences were still 
 rendering the atmosphere melodious — he had 
 met her somewhere before — where was it ? — 
 oh ! he had seen her in a private box at St. 
 James's Theatre beaming approbation upon 
 the Ethiopian seranaders. Clarissa perceived 
 a slight deviation from the time, but still 
 
OP Murrs. 
 
 went on, and liad just commenced a sliake, 
 which was to establish her supremacy, when 
 
 some demon-musician seemed to have infuri- 
 ated the piano-forte, which broke forth into 
 
88 
 
 THE PHYSIOLOGTf 
 
 the thundering chant of " Old Dan Tucker !" 
 This singular union of " Old Dan Tucker," 
 with the " Casta Diva'' provoked a general 
 smile ; and Miss Scanmag, quite indignant, 
 retired from the instrument. Her mother, 
 equally annoyed, had the policy to conceal 
 her resentment, merely saying, — " La ! Mr. 
 Snooks, how can you be so absent.'* 
 
 The "horrid Muff," overwhelmed with confu- 
 sion, sneaked into a corner, inwardly resolving, 
 till dancing was over, to linger in the " loop- 
 holes of retreat." — Clarissa was with difficulty 
 induced to sing again, and acquitted herself 
 creditably. But the compliments which she re- 
 ceived were hollow and insincere ; her first song 
 had proved a bankrupt, and a second issue of 
 notes from the same firm was regarded with 
 suspicion. The fame of Clementina Muggins 
 was unscathed. 
 
 Time, however, is a sovereign balm for all 
 evils, and at supper-time, harmony appeared 
 nearly restored. Clarissa regained her good- 
 
OF MUFFS. 
 
 89 
 
 temper, Snooks his confidence; and the 
 anticipation of an agreeable spread imparted 
 a suavity of feeling to the rest of the company. 
 Among the delicacies prepared for the banquet, 
 was a dish of cream tartlets from Birch's. In 
 the Arabian Nights there is a story of a prince, 
 who, driven by malignant fates from his 
 kingdom, acquired the pastry-cook's art, 
 and followed that handicraft for a living. 
 Eventually his true rank was discovered, 
 through the instrumentality of a cream tart, 
 the preparation of which was a secret 
 known only to him and his royal mother. 
 Whenever we eat Birch's tartlets this story 
 flits across our mind, and we fancifully trace 
 the analogy between majesty and pastry. — 
 Well, the banquet was laid out in the back 
 drawing-room, Mrs. Scanmag superintending 
 the operation. To keep Sydney out of mis- 
 chief, she beckoned him from the ball-room, 
 and requested his assistance in the cutting up 
 
90 
 
 THE PHYSIOLOGY 
 
 of the fowls. While he was thus engaged the 
 tartlets were brought up stairs, and placed upon 
 a chair, until the directing genius should award 
 to them their proper place on the board. Snooks, 
 having satisfactorily anatomized the poultry, 
 sat down to recruit himself. Mrs. Scanmag 
 saw the movement ; horror chilled her voice ; 
 and ere language could find a vent. Birch's 
 tartlets had been all squeezed into everlasting 
 smash," or, as a printer would say, ''knocked 
 into pie,'' by the untoward movement of the 
 horrid Muff. The feelings of Mrs. Scanmag, 
 as the penny novelists say, "may be more 
 easily imagined than described." History 
 furnishes no further record of Mr. Snooks's 
 proceedings on that eventful night; but we 
 are enabled to state that, after makino- a 
 hearty supper, Sydney Snooks made" his 
 cong[e unobserved, thus relieving the party from 
 the presence of a horrid Muff. 
 
 Clarissa Scanmag and Clementina Muggins 
 
OF MUrFS# 
 
 have ceased to be intimate, and the scene 
 of Mr. Snooks' s vagaries has been trans ^ 
 ferred from the house of Mrs. Scanmag to that 
 of Mr. Alderman Mng-o-ir^?'. 
 
92 
 
 CHAPTER VI. 
 
 THE MUFF OF THE CASINO. 
 
 * Ambiguous things that ape 
 
 Goats in their visage, Women in their shape." 
 
 BYRON. 
 
 HERE are some regular 
 mystifications in this 
 March of Intellect age, 
 an age in which People- 
 worship and Polka, Athe- 
 naeums and Ethiopians, 
 Geology and Casinos, 
 Telegraphs and Wandering Jews, and Mes- 
 merism and Mountebanks, are strangely jum- 
 bled together. For one step which science 
 or harmony makes, profligacy strides half-a- 
 dozen, and it may be a question for philoso- 
 phers hereafter to resolve, whether republic- 
 anism of opinion is always synonimous with 
 virtue. Another gross inconsistency appears 
 
THE PHYSIOLOGY OF MUFFS. 93 
 
 in the constant cry of "no money/' when we 
 see persons, who cannot find means to pay 
 their just debts, procure the needful for 
 the gratification of their follies, being never 
 short of a shilling where a glass of grog or an 
 admission to a place of amusement is cOn- 
 cerned. During the recent panic, when every- 
 body complained of the dearth of money, when 
 the settlement of the trifle due to the cobbler 
 or washerwoman were postponed sine die, 
 upon the aforesaid convenient pleas, the sing- 
 ing-houses, the casinos, and similar resorts, 
 were crowded by the self-proclaimed paupers, 
 whose alleged paucity of purse was no barrier 
 to their indulgence in Champagne, and other 
 luxuries. We do not mean to afiirm, that in 
 all cases, the specie thus squandered belonged 
 to those from whose pockets it ostensibly 
 came — in too many instances the swells were 
 amateur Barnwells, and this leads us to spea> 
 more pointedly of Casinos. 
 
94 
 
 THE PHYSIOLOGY 
 
 "Casino" is no English word — it is too 
 effeminate to find a place in our dictionary. 
 The silly affectation for foreign terms has im- 
 ported it into London, but we doubt very much 
 whether the lessees of the casinos know the 
 literal meaning of the fine phrase which they 
 have introduced. Its signification is " a 
 small house," the analogy between which and 
 the purposes for which these hopping shops 
 were originated, we cannot di^dne. A casino 
 strikes us as being only a gaudily-decorated 
 apartment, where the Polka, Waltzes, and 
 other dances may be performed in a more 
 licentious style than propriety will sanction in 
 respectable circles. A casino also may be 
 described as a haunt where men, juvenile and 
 veteran, who are banned out of the pale of 
 decent society, may exhibit their absurdities, 
 and go through their vulgarian antics unre- 
 proved. In only one respect can the casinde 
 be considered of utility — they act as moral 
 
OF MUFPS. 
 
 95 
 
 sewers, clearing the streets of impurities, and 
 rendering populous thoroughfares compara- 
 tively safe to travel at night. 
 
 The casino is such a hotbed of Muffs that 
 it is no easy matter to select one for illustra- 
 tion. It is the great emporium of Muffs, and 
 downy fellows ; it is the Old Curiosity Shop 
 of noodles ; than whom we cannot find one 
 better adapted for our purpose than that fast- 
 going, .take-it-easy, never-say-die, cockney 
 capej'-cutter, Christopher Kiddiman. — Chris- 
 topher loves to enact the swell, and though 
 endowed with " less sense than God gives the 
 ape," has imitators in the frivolous circles of 
 which he is the centre. He exhibits a stun- 
 ningly " nobby head of hair," which partakes 
 of the bu^hiness, but shares not the utility, of 
 the inop, and sports an imperial on his nether 
 lip, a silent evidence of self-estimation. 
 
 On entering the casino, the considerate, 
 disinterested attendant, endeavours to per- 
 
96 
 
 THE PHYSIOLOGY 
 
 suade the Muff to remove his overcoat, telling 
 him that he will find the heat oppressive. 
 Christopher, however, thinks that to pay the 
 servant for depriving him of one of his plumes 
 will be more oppressive, and enters the ball- 
 room in all the glory of his white Taglioni, 
 decorated with buttons as large as eheese- 
 plates. A shooting-jacket, a white satin vest, 
 inexpressibles, which like the American nig- 
 gers, are covered with stripes, Oxonian boots 
 and Berlin gloves, complete the costume which 
 Christopher assumes in the salon de danse. 
 
 With his hat jauntily placed, after the fash- 
 ion of Newport Market, the Muff of the 
 Casino wanders up and down the hall, smiling 
 approbation upon his exquisite person in the 
 mirrors, which are the only objects in the 
 Casino capable of reflection. When the Babel- 
 like clang of horns intimate that a polka is to 
 come off, Christopher, of course, procures a 
 lady, with whom he whirls through the un- 
 
OF MUFFS. 
 
 97 
 
 meaning phases of Jullien's pet dance. Kid- 
 diman and partner revolve in teetotum 
 monotony, she lolling upon his Taglioni, an 
 attitude which, when the lady happens to be 
 corpulent, is a matter of no little weight to 
 her unfortunate cavalier. And as the other 
 puppets go through their contortions, it is 
 amusing to witness how few keep time to 
 the music, and how many variations of the 
 polka they execute. Here is a couple, a Tom 
 Thumb of a man, and a woman with the pro- 
 portions of a coal-heaver, giving a Jim Crow 
 movement of the humbug step said to be im- 
 ported from Bohemia. There is a pair attempt- 
 ing it in a manner which reminds of the Dead 
 March in Saul ; in another place — but we will 
 not multiply the absurd scenes which occur in 
 this heaven of polkas and Muffs. Let us follow 
 Christopher Kiddiman to the refreshment stall, 
 where he and his fair friend are swallowing 
 respectable gooseberry wine in the innocent 
 
98 
 
 THE THtSiOLOGY 
 
 belief that it is Champagne. Then he favours 
 the spectator with a domestic edition of Abe- 
 
 lard and Heloise, by ordering a dose of that 
 
or MUFFS. 
 
 99 
 
 insipidity, sherry cobbler, which both he and 
 partner imbibe from the same goblet by two 
 straws. Touching simplicity ! Full -grown 
 Muffs, like children, 
 
 ^Pleased with a rattle, tickled with a straw." 
 
 Midnight is approaching, and the musicians, 
 by striking up the national anthem, intimate 
 that the clumsy gymnastics are at an end, an 
 announcement which is generally received 
 with hisses, groans, and crowings, by the 
 motley revellers* Kiddiman quits the scene 
 of Ms greatness, and adjourns to some low 
 singing-house, where tripe, onions, and a pint 
 of porter, ordered for his special consump- 
 tion, shew, alas ! that Kiddiman is not above 
 the ordinary level of humanity. "Who is 
 Christopher Kiddiman ? Why strip the veil 
 of interesting romance that has hitherto been 
 flung around his person, and led our fair 
 readers to imagine that he was a baronet 
 
100 IHE PHYSIOLOGY OF MUFFS. 
 
 at least ? Who is the Muff of the Ca- 
 sino ? 
 
 " *Tis true, tis pity, and pity 'tis, *tis true," 
 
 but Christopher Kiddiman is the cutter-out of 
 Mr. Cabbage, the city tailor. 
 
101 
 
 CHAPTER IX. 
 
 THE SUMMING-UP. 
 
 " The book and the chapter shall here have their finis." 
 
 Mary Howitt. 
 
 UR researches 
 
 K ^\f/f/r\ylh ^^^^ realm 
 
 m ^^^Wk Muffdom 
 
 W /^^m^ must here be 
 
 close d. In 
 common with 
 other social na- 
 turalists who 
 have employed 
 the pen to un- 
 plume the cox- 
 combs and im- 
 y postors who 
 obtrude their 
 vice and their silliness upon the public, 
 we have selected for our quarry the 
 Muffs, a genus, which, although sometimes 
 vaguely alluded to in conversation, has never 
 
102 THE PHYSIOLOGY 
 
 prevlously been subjected to the process of 
 anatomisation. We have, in the spirit of 
 Linnseus, endeavoured to reduce them to a 
 system, by particularizing their haunts and 
 habits, and indicating the masonic signs by 
 which the presence of a Muff may be detected. 
 In so doing, we disclaim any feeling of cyni- 
 cism. . Folly is fair game to hunt down ; and 
 the satirist who successfully directs his shafts 
 against corruption, whether fouDd in systems 
 or in men, should be regarded as a benefactor 
 of his species. 
 
 If this protest against the Sayings and 
 Doings of Muffs should have the effect of 
 abating one jot of that affectation and effemi- 
 nacy which prevail among the puny-minded 
 race we have described, it will not have been 
 made in vain. Why will Englishmen adopt 
 only the frivolous and unmanly fashions of 
 France ? Why are they so ashamed of their 
 mother tongue that they must gallicize it, and 
 
OF MUFFS. 
 
 103 
 
 prattle of concerts de Vete and concerts de 
 Vhiver, instead of using the more expressive 
 fulLsounding terms of summer and winter 
 concerts ? Such mincing modes of action and 
 speech may be significant of Muffs ; they are 
 not the characteristics of men. If national 
 pride were more fully cultivated, if indepen- 
 dence of thought were more fully encouraged 
 in the middle and higher ranks, there would 
 be no such creatures as Muffs. Look among 
 the hard-working operatives of our manufac- 
 turing towns, — men who, notwithstanding 
 their long hours of toil, can find leisure for 
 thought and study, and you will in vain seek 
 for Muffs. Even the very humblest among 
 them is not without some ray of divine intel- 
 lect — he may not be conversant with the 
 hypocritical observances of fashionable life 
 — but his soul is a gem outshining in bril- 
 liance the intelligence of the whole fraternity 
 of Muffs, past, present, or to come. 
 
104 THE PHYSIOLOGY OF MUFFS. 
 
 It may be said that our characters are too 
 few, that there are many orders of Muffs upon 
 which we have not touched. We did not 
 propose to give an encyclopcrdia, but merely 
 some distinguishing outlines of that body. We 
 have endeavoured to pourtray their generic 
 character; if, however, there be any of the 
 unrepresented who have reason to complain 
 of their exclusion from our Physiology," we 
 say to them in a tone of conciliation — 
 " Be this their comfort, Muffs omitted here, 
 May furnish laughter for another year." 
 
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 of the self-styled Beauty Books of the season ; whilst by the 
 leLatimate, lofty, and complete intention and execution of its 
 contents-the elegance and profusion of its embellishments ; the 
 easy and graceful style in which their accompanymg letter-press 
 descriptions are written; the perfectness of the printing and the 
 paper,- it thoroughly cripples, and well nigh annihilates, nine 
 tenths of those ephemeral and gaudy receptacles of petty pretti- 
 ness:'^British Friend of India Magazine. 
 
 "This is one of the most beautifully-illustrated books hitherto 
 introduced to the public ; and, to add to its value, the letter-press 
 descriptions given are written by masterly hands, and convey a 
 large amount of important information. The work contains 
 nearly fifty illustrations, comprising the finest subjects in the art 
 of sculpture, both antique and modern ; and the engravings, 
 which are executed in outline, have a light and graceful appear- 
 ance. To the young student this work will prove of great ad- 
 vantage; its engravings, and its sound practical instruction, 
 presenting to him materials for thought and action which few 
 other works on this divine art could otfer. The book is printed 
 in strict keeping with the illustrations— neat, chaste, and 
 elegmt:'— London Mercury. , , . , mr. 
 
 " This is a singularly elegant and classical publication. Ine 
 noblest works of art are beautifully copied, assisted with descrip - 
 tions and historical illustrations. "The Bather," "Phocio," 
 "Joan of Arc," and " Homer," appear in the present part. The 
 varied beauties which they present, will render the work an 
 ornament to any drawing-room*"— -M<>ror. 
 
8 Works Publishing by Willoughby ^ Co. 
 
 Pickwick Abroad. Bj G. W. M. 
 
 Reynolds, Esq., author of the "Mysteries of 
 London," Robert Macaire in England," &c. 
 Embellished by steel engravings designed by 
 Alfred Crowquill and John Phillips, and numer- 
 ous woodcuts by Bonner. 10s. 
 
 " ' Pickwick Abroad,' is so well done by G. W. M. Reynolds 
 that we must warn * Boz ' to look to his laurels."— ^^e. 
 
 Alfred ; or the Adventures of a 
 
 FRENCH GENTLEMAN ; By G. W. M. Rey. 
 nolds, Esq. author of " Pickwick Abroad." With 
 Fourteen Steel EngTavings. demy 8vo. 5^. 
 
 History of the Bank of England, its 
 
 Times and Traditions. By John Francis. Dedi- 
 cated, by permission, to Sir Robert Peel. Second 
 edition, in two vols, demy octavo. £2. 2^. Qd. 
 
 « Executed with considerable skill. — Touches upon all the 
 legal financial movements of the present and past century. — As 
 interesting as anovel."— Tmes.— " Done with rare judgment."— 
 Illustrated London iVejf;s.— " Mr. Francis will take the lead of 
 those who ha\-e cultivated commercial; literature."— Z(>nc?o» J^er- 
 ewry.— "The volumes have a m.erit of' their own, with facts, and 
 facts of value." — Spectator. — "An agreeable, well written work." 
 — Britannia. — " We confidently recommend it to the statesman, 
 the political economist and the merchant."— Zonc?on Mercantile 
 Journal. — "A most useful and interesting work." Sun. "A 
 most interestnig history."— Observer. — "A desideratum." — Lite- 
 rary Gazette. 
 
Rapid. -"Push along! Keep moving!" 
 
 CURB FOR THE HEART ACHE. 
 
 Just Fttblishedf Price Is. Heads and Tales of 
 
 TRAVELLERS & TRAVELLING 
 
 A BOOK FOR EYEllYBODY GOING ANWHERE. 
 
 WHETHER BY ROAD OR RAIL, LANDAU OR lX)COMOTIVE, CAB 
 OR CURRICLE, BAROUCHE OR BALLOON, STEAM PACKET OR 
 SAILING-VESSEL, WITH A VIEW TO KEEP THE "WHEELS OF 
 EXISTENCE SIERRILY IN MOTION, AND WITH PLEASURE AND 
 PROFIT BEGUILE THE VACANT HOUR OF A TRAVELLER. 
 BY E. L. BLANCHARD. 
 
 ILLUSTRATED BY F. G. DELAMOTTE. 
 
 " 'Heads and Tales of Travellers and Travelling' is exactly one 
 of those books that every one ought to read. Open it where you 
 will, you will be safe to find something to amuse you and make 
 you laugh. Puns and jokes of all kinds, "from grave to gay, 
 from lively to severe," are throughout its pages as " plentiful as 
 blackberries . " — Sunday Times. 
 
 " Without depreciating in any manner the abilities of Albert 
 Smith or Angus B. Reach, we certainly give the palm to the * Heads 
 and Tales of Travellers and Travelhng', by their brother humourist 
 E. L. Blanchard. its pages are running over with drollery, an<! 
 with the unforced merriment of good humour. What "Leigh 
 Hunt has thought, E. L. Blanchard has thoughtj what Leigh 
 Hunt has observed, E. L. Blanchard has observed; what Lei^'i 
 Hunt has written, E. L. Blanchard has wiitten; with a differeuct* 
 all of them, but, in their way, as w-ell. We can assure the read( r 
 that in * Travellers and Travelling* he will gain; heads or t<'jl ^ 
 he is sure to be the winner I The author has very evidently, like 
 Leigh Hunt, sat opposite many and many a traveller, ard becoine 
 intensely intin^ate with his face, his neckcloth, hi*- waistcoat, an"a 
 his watch-chain, and he has given us his pea and ink portrait of 
 them all. Altogether, the book is about tiie merriest of tl.e 
 season; and there have been no lack merry ones, and by emincni 
 hands, too. It will make many a readei- anticipate wath pleasure 
 the toothsome things preparing for them in "Dinners and 
 Diners," by the same literar}^ Soyer— as Punch would call hiru— 
 the top Soyer of drollery.-- Sun. 
 
 PRINTED BY WILLOUGHBY & CO 97, ST. JOHN i I P LET.