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' : ’V .. r|& HI ‘,jT . f f *' *•"•* 4 ,* >Wr\:' i-vi ’'f • m^urnim LEASE accept my sixth yearly Christ¬ mas edition of rebuilt phrases that have been caught while slipping off the itinerant tongues of a people that have made the only America that will ever be. Right now while you are walking through this mad world, won¬ dering how it will return to its reason, save a few thoughts for the Christ who died for us and the balance of your memory and assistance for the poor unfortunates right in your own com¬ munity. J. H. JAYNE. SING A SONG OF BUSINESS Suppose we hadn’ ever heard about this blooming war; Suppose the cables had been cut, that run from shore to shore; If Europe want’s to scrap around and spend its cash in hand; If Europe wants to make itself look like cutover land, then— We should worry quite a lot about the fighting game; We guess the great United States can go on just the same. We’re big enough and strong enough and have enough of crops. We need the stuff the farmers raise, the farmers need the shops. So let’s forget about the war, the battles and the bombs, and Keep on doing business here until the tempest calms. ONT forget that some poor devils don't even have a foot to put in their stocking on Christmas morning. 4£t 4|4 4|4 We have a fellow over here who broke his arm, trying to pat himself on the back for minding his own business. 4J4 Nothing is improved by anger, but the arch in a cat’s back. 4|4 4^ As a rule it is cheaper to obey the law than hire a lawyer. 4|4 4jl ^4 It’s a good thing for a community that some people are only wicked in their thoughts. 4|4 4J4 4j4 4|4 4|4 HAPPY home is one in which the man can brag about his fur¬ nace and his wife of her beau¬ tiful fern. ^ yi ^ If you have left the Church your Mother baptized you in, to whom have you transferred your respect? 4JJ § ^ Some people live on fifty cents a month—in jail. gt 4^ y* Don’t dig trenches when no one is firing at you. / yi yj When the merchants in a town will not trust a fellow, some girl tackles the job. HE difference between the idols in the Old Country and the idles in this country is that ours are look¬ ing for work. 4{1 4J1 i£L The fellow who traded his summer cottage for a car didn’t get much the best of it this season. 4 JJ- If war is declared in this country the majority of fellows will want to carry the megaphone. 4|4 4J4 Right now, Fords and Cousins have about an even break in number. 4^ 4{4 4J£ If you have anything to say to a man or a mule—say it to their face. ■ *♦* ^ iQ' ^ i | i • • ■#! • ■#» • ■ >! • »#i »♦*#' • m i#» • «#■ • »#i m ^ 4|4 yt 4y yi yi yt HE only good time some men allow their wives to have is a watch for Christmas. 4|1 There are many people who would be willing to exchange some of their re¬ lations for a second-hand Ford. 4ji When a fellow runs for office he finds out a lot about himself that he never knew before. ^ yi There are two kinds of people in this world—the doers and the done-fors. yj It’s hard to run an automobile on a street car income. m 4M 4M ijl i mg. OME people don’t have a head— just a knot on their body to keep their backbone from unravel- 4{1 Nowadays some women know so lit¬ tle about housework and putting up things that they need someone to tell them how to preserve their virtue. y* y* yi Germany has some overhead charge with their Zeppelins. 4 {* Every phonograph does not repre sent a horn of plenty. ^ 4 ^ When a fellow tells a joke in a crowd everybody laughs but his wife. +*« O WAD AYS if people use slang they are considered tough. If they speak properly they are old fashioned. yt 4^ A woman should allow a man to kiss her before she is married—if she expects to be kissed at all. The first thing we should do with an emigrant when he lands here is to put him in hot water. 4j| ^ yj Some policemen are so fat they can’t even run down a heel. 4J1 yi The men wearing suspenders are still feeding the world. HE only square guy that never lied to anybody was the wooden Indian we took away from in front of the cigar stores, years ago. Some men like to have a conference with the emphasis on Con. ^ gl yi When people have credit they never fuss about the price. 4|l 4|i 4J1 People are like apples—the outside varies but the cores are the same. 4ji 4J1 Where is the fellow who said it would take ten years to soak up the land? mi m m 4|i 1|1 yi HE fellow with the handsomest uniform is generally found the farthest from the firing line both in War and Business. 4|i 4JJ- Business failures are like pool games —everybody expects something on the bust. 4JJ- gf Some fathers should teach their sons to rotate their crops instead of sewing wild oats every year. ij£ iji ^ An idle man in an outo is the big¬ gest kicker when a train blocks a cross¬ ing. 4J1 4j| The next time Teddy discovers any¬ thing he should bring it home. OME fellows can hole out a golf ball at forty feet but cannot hit the furnace door with a shovel full of coal. 4 ^ 4y m Some church members expect a preacher’s wife to be a better minister than he is and to be thrown in on his salary. 4|4 4|4 4|4 It is disappointing to send men to the legislature to make our laws and then hire able jurists to set them aside. 4{4 4|4 4j4 It’s surprising nowadays how many girls are scared of a cook stove. 4{4 4{4 4J4 Efficiency is alright in everything but religion. HE saloon-keeper cusses the preacher for taking a part against liquor, but when he dies the minister is the first one the family calls upon for help. y* When you hide your valuables in an up-to-date filing cabinet, nobody can find them. 4 ^ Seems like the women’s clothes are getting back to the loose leaf system. yj. yi yi Some boys seem to want to take a post graduate course in the reform school. 4|4 4J4 4{4 Why does a lawyer’s head always itch? yi 4j4 4|4 4j4 4JI 4j4 T will not be long before the people will have to work to keep the wolf from the garage. 4J1 4{i Beachey was like lots of other peo¬ ple—just kept fooling with something until he had to let it alone. 4{4 Nowadays but very few children are built for all kinds of weather. One day last week the farmers on our west road took home one corn cul¬ tivator and nine automobiles. There’s no use to talk social justice to a man when he is hungry. yj yj yj yj yj yj HEN people get married they must make up their mind that a home must pay or go out of business. yi yi yi The most some people do for a town is to leave it. yj yt yi Some women hold their age well, because they never give it away. yi y* Flat rates on tires are popular these days. yj yi yi I think more of a cheerful idiot than I do of an intellectual grouch. yi yi yi Dirty city politics makes dirty streets. HE only one that isn’t anxious to pass you on the road nowadays is the fellow with a horse eating behind a load of hay. yi Life with a woman that has five children is generally sew sew. § When you look at some men you don’t know whether they have a back¬ bone or are just crooked. 4JJ- The dope fiends have nothing to fall back on now but whiskey. ^ Q Q When a man buys an automobile the first puncture is in his pocketbook. 4{1 4|1 4|£ y* ip ON’T kick about your hard luck. Remember the barbers have to live on shavings. The old training schools in the wood shed would still be best for some boys. ^ After a man has married a woman it is his duty to get acquainted with her. 4 ^ Borrow more money and make more business. 4j* y* y* The fellows that are kicking about Billy Sunday making money never say a word about Jack Johnson and Jess Wil¬ lard splitting fifty thousand dollars for two hours’ work. HINGS have got so that when a man walks up the street with his wife he is afraid that he will meet some woman he knows that his wife is not acquainted with. gi 1 £ ^ Last year’s Iowa corn crop made every man a “Kernel”. t|i yi yi Women and camels were built to carry troubles. yj y* ^ Some men get along alright if they have someone to listen to them. 4JJ- The movie actor is the only person that can hear through a wood door. +••* yi yj yi yj yj yi HY not allow all the doctors to practice, for all “paths” lead to the grave anyway. 4 j* yi This is the only country where there is a gap in the bread line now. y* yi iji Some women get along well with any husband. yj yi yi Even our undertaker is giving trading stamps. yi yi Money to some people is a Jack- asset. yi yj yi When a fellow hits a man he should be sent to school instead of jail. Ill 111 ill yi 4ji y» HIS year the men attended to their own knitting while the women folks tried to do the knit¬ ting for the rest of the world. 4jl yt People who are doing things in this world have no time to bother with scruples. $ If some people didn’t have an Adam’s apple they would have no chin. ty Mushroom raising is the last hope of a professional failure. yj. yi yt You can’t hurt some people’s feel ings for they have been insulted by ex perts. EN play poker for the same rea¬ son that women go to bargain sales—to get something for nothing. 4 J 1 It isn’t going to be very long before the “political bees” will be forced to live on something besides liquor. 4J1 “Safety First” was created by our mothers when they first began to dress us. 4J1 Some members of a Church are old laborers—others co-laborers and the bal¬ ance cold-laborers. 4|I Nowadays you cannot even wear hip boots without first looking up the styles. 4|i 4|1 yi 4{4 $ HYPOCRITE is a man who goes to work in the morning with a smile on his face. yi j£ yi Our canning factory has added one more line for its trade—candelabras. 4JI 4J1 “B. V. D’s.” are alright unless the weather changes—then a fellow wishes he had put on the whole alphabet. 4J1 Some men are like an egg sandwich- have a streak of yellow in them. 4|4 4J4 The only time you get your money back on a “tip” is when a fellow chases your hat. tirely. HE price of cars is getting so low that the idle rich will soon be forced to abandon motoring en- y* y* y* Some of the old countries have taken their capital out of circulation. y* yj y* Creditors find out that some people don’t live where they used to but live where they have moved. yj y* yi Don’t some people get married in the most offhanded reckless way though? \$ y* yi / The fellow who had saved up for a rainy day must have had some time this summer. BOUT the only time that some fellows have an affection for Uncle Sam is when the band plays “America.” y* y* yi Most city automobiles go fast enough to keep away from the collectors. yj- yj- yi How do you know your wife is an angel? You never saw one. yi yi yt Our big store has just put in a fire department. yj yj- When a general sales manager promises you their agency if you buy a car, you find out later on that automo¬ biles are made to sell, and not to buy. F there were no men to dress up for, the women would all let their hair hang down their backs and put on more clothes. 4JJ- i£L My, how some folks need spiritual witch hazel applied to their hides. y* yi y* How conditions have changed-~Pic- ture films are now taking the place of celleloid collars. yi yt y* Some people are so thin that when they close one eye they look like a needle. When a fellow only wants what is “right” he generally gets what is “left”. yj yj yj yj y* yj yt yt 4J1 OMEONE will some day improve on a cream separator so that it will make hard water soft—the hard water coming out of one spout and the soft from another. 4ji yi Some people let you bury the hatchet by dodging it. 4ji 4ji yi Some people act as if they had fallen on their head when a baby. 4J1 The amount of kissing that folks do, depends upon the length of time they have been married. 4|i ^ Which would you rather have, the stamp tax or a war? yi yi 4 jl § $ HE principal reason that marri¬ ages are failures is due to there being nothing to rock in the cradle. 4{i yi 4{i Churches and lodges have just the same trouble—some fellows who got in should have been blackballed. tjl Instead of some women making a man a good wife, they make him a good husband. 4|i 4jl 4ji There are not many folks left who know the direction of “Gee” and “Haw”. This is a country where we tell every body to be careful and then we do not do it ourselves. OYS that are not allowed to play in the mud when they are kids are compelled to bathe in it at some mud-springs when they grow older. When two men can’t settle their busi ness by fair means they go into court. After some girls get married they add six or eight numbers and have one to carry. You cannot live back in the days of “Lickin’” and “Lamin’ ” and make a success of life now. yi It’s a cinch that “Armageddon” will not be on the map next year. 411 411 4M 4|1 4|1 $ AST year it was so dry every¬ body had to take the pump out and run it thru the wringer. This year we all go to bed with our rub¬ bers on and an umbrella under the bed. 4J1 Men would be just as well off if they found out a woman’s weight instead of her age. 4{i 4{i 4J4 Woodpeckers and opportunity are the only successful knockers. 4^ 4{i Many of the fellows now running in debt will walk back when the note is due. Don’t worry about the hereafter— some people are getting “theirs” here. § OODEN legs are leaving with the old soldiers but blockheads are taking their place. yi 4{j- If it wasn’t for gas, pulling teeth and selling mining stock would be hard work. 4ji 4{i yj Some men are mean enough to bor¬ row money from a barber and invest the loan in a safety razor. yi yi How many of you ever noticed the expression on the face of “September Morn”? § 4J1 There is a difference between a man wanting to sell goods and one trying to sell them. HEN a man arrives at an age where he knows something, he has to put in ail his time fixing up his hair, teeth and stomach. y* yi yi If it wasn’t for company cornin’ in, some women would never clean up the house. yi There are two games that do not need a referee—kissing and bowling. yj yj yi If you are so smart, where are the Ten Commandments in the Bible? y* yj yj Ford stories and movie actors’ doings seem to take up most all of some fel¬ lows’ time. yi yj yi yj y* HEN a boy gets into trouble you can easily tell whether he was raised in a school-room or a pool-room. y* y* Business mis-cues will tear the cloth off any man’s breakfast table. yj Some merchants didn’t even have what the people called for during the War—so they sent a substitute. 4j* yj y* There is lots of difference between a man’s views and his interviews. yj yi y* Things are mussed up so across the pond that a man couldn’t find a piece of cheese in the middle of Germany. 4|4 yi 4JJ- y* yj OD always sits beside every Pres¬ ident but seems to want only a bowing acquaintance with Con¬ gress. y* George Washington was first in everything but marriage. yj- yt yi The way some women dress these times, their clothes look like the colors of a flag on the pest house. 4ji y* y* How many pocket knives have you had since you were a kid? 4jl yj yj / Some men can’t give their opinion about everybody because they don’t use profanity. HE fellow who has an eye open when a dollar goes out, gen¬ erally has it closed when he takes it in. y* if* Some of us gave our California friends a glad surprise by not going there this year. yj 4{i There are three sexes—men, women and preaching. yi ty y* Doesn’t it make you laugh when a fellow’s wife calls him “dear” in public? § Some men never get all the dirt back in a hole, because they don’t dig it deep enough. 4y yj yt yi yi O matter what we have we want something else. For instance, Jim Hill owns 450 engines yet he bought a saddle horse. 4jl ^ When some people get married they simply halve their joys and double their sorrows. yi ^ When a commission is appointed to investigate the unemployed, none of the unemployed are put on it tjj iji yi It is alright to have music with your meals when your guests get noisy with their soup. ✓ yj- yj yi The automobiles are making the people put it off until a rainy day. 4J4 4J* yj yj yi $ 8 J] INCE the vaudeville started there I seems to be more natural born musicians than dish washers. 4|1 4|i President Wilson is the acknowledged high class teacher of the “hesitation”. 4^ 4^ If a man cannot worship in any church I would not give much for his religion. 4{1 When a man is entirely innocent he never has to ask his attorneys what to say. 4{* gf If the heads of corporations were not compelled to give positions to so many of their relatives $25,000 men would not be so scarce. yj yj yi yi yt yj HEN some married men stay out ‘ late at night, their wives don’t go after them until they get home. 4|i 4J1 Lay-members are the ones that gen¬ erally lay off on Sunday instead of going to Church. 4|1 If a man runs his own furnace he has but little time to think of his wife. yj The people who step over the dead line of honesty generally carry more rings than a cane rack. 4J1 4jl / Our county clerk has added a divorce coupon to his marriage certificate—as a wedding present. ty 4jJ IJ j|j yi Jjt WOMAN with sleeves up to her elbows generally scolds a man because he doesn’t put on his cuffs. The day is almost past when the fel¬ low takes a drink in cold weather to warm up, and another during the sum¬ mer to cool off. 4jj 4|j The reason some folks have bad luck, they marry more times than they are divorced. ^1 While we don’t admire the knocker, he sometimes tells the truth. gf Most all good husbands are called “henpecked” by their neighbors. yi yi y* 4|J 4| yj HEN some automobilists have a blowout they don’t invite every¬ body to the party. yi yi yi Some fellows are as honest as the day is long, but I wouldn’t give much for their night record. yi y* y* Barbers are like dictionaries—change their subjects often. y* yi yj If everybody would let whiskey alone there would not be places enough for the big men in this country. y* yi yi The mayor in our town employed all the Dutchmen to clean out the Alleys. yj yi * HAT the waiters and porters do to a fellow nowadays gives him reason to make up his mind that the railroads do run all steal trains. Men’s clothes make them, women’s clothes break them. gi yi yi Some girls have chaperones, and others have boils on their necks. yj yi Some fellows that hold a political of¬ fice can bring up a family easier than they can a bucket of coal. i All our doctors in town are looking for inside information. T’S alright to listen to the patter of the rain on the roof if you don’t have to get up and put a tub under the place where it leaks. f You will always find a true citizen in the man who is supporting (not pro¬ fessing) Christianity. A man always has friends that will share his last dollar with themselves. Nobody ever got rich selling dyspep¬ sia tablets to men who toil. Nobody but old folks fuss about the weather. UST as soon as a fellow is sen¬ tenced to be hung he tries to unload his sins on an Innocent Christ. 4{l 4|£ Schools for gossip never have a va¬ cation. 4ji yi A homestead means that the United States government is willing to bet 160 acres of land against $14 that you can’t live on the land five years without strav- ing to death. 4J1 Some people know so little about church services that they “just do” what the other people do. yi Leisure is like dynamite, you have to be careful with it. VERY fish hook should be stamped right on the point, “Made in the U. S. A.” and then every sucker will know he is buying up- to-date goods. yj y* y* Some men are so kind to dumb an¬ imals that they keep a blind tiger. yj Don't argue with a woman—she will always burst out in a new place. yj y* y* Some people need three roller skates because they are not on their feet all the time. yj yi y* Every mother knows a lot of things that cannot be found in a magazine. storks. HERE is one thing nice about using aeroplanes these days— not much danger of running into yi y* yi- The woman who can keep her hus¬ band in good humor and out of debt is some wife. yi 4^ This country should not be ruled by public opinion—because it is formed without knowing what is actually going on. y* yi yi Do you remember when times were so good that men waited their turn at the baby rack? yi yi yj No red-headed man has ever claimed fame in art, literature, poetry, etc., nor has a left handed man at golf. yi yj ^ yi $ S NE of our young men who grad¬ uated with the highest honors . from our College is now boring holes in beans, putting in a grasshopper and selling them to the city stores for “jumping beans”. Some dogs understand men better than men do. Baldheaded men should wear mohair caps. Stolen women are like umbrellas— not sufficiently valued to be returned. If there were no judges in this coun¬ try everybody would carry a revolver. EARS ago the women were afraid they would lose their petticoat— now they are petitioning Con¬ gress to take it away from them. tjl Some women always go to Church on Easter, and now and then. yi Don’t forget that it takes all of a man’s time to be a millionaire. y* Our standing army may be alright but we can put them all on the bleachers in the Yale Bowl. y* yj yj The best shots in the world are the movie actors—always hit ’em in the arm. yi yi yi YOUNG man saw in his mind the letters “P. C.” and thought it prophesied “Preach Christ” but instead it meant “plow corn”. 4J1 Everybody should think of a bank as a place to put money in instead of to as a place to put money in instead of a place to get money out of. ^ 4J1 The way the girls dress their wish¬ bone it must be as tough as an old tur¬ key’s. yi People get married nowadays—win¬ ner take all. ' 4JI ^ Very few homes are built with no room for trouble. HE fellow who is agin’ woman suffrage generally gives his daughters about as much time as it takes him to shave. y* 4{4 Nowadays the first question business asks you is, “Will you take lunch with me?” Some people could hide their light under a strawberry box with a false bot¬ tom. 4|4 4{4 4|4 Most men in California cannot do business until the train arrives from the East. 4|4 4|4 Funny how the world is so broad around the waist and that we are located about at the watch pocket. 4{4 4J4 4|4 4{4 4{4 yi OME automobiles go so fast that it takes two persons to talk about them. One to say “There he comes” and the other to say “There he goes.” 4|i yi 4|j- Some people never see their relatives only when they are subpoenaed by the coroner. 4ji y* yj The boys around town wearing their Spring clothes look like they had been under some fat woman when her feet slipped. yi The fellow who bossed the building of Rome had a steady job. ^ yi y* When we see a preacher out in the country we always ask “Who’s dead?”. N the days when men dragged their mates home to their caves by the hair—there were no di¬ vorces. yj Some chauffeurs are perfectly killing. yi y* yj. When your best girl has a crying spell she should give you a rain check and let you go home. y* When a girl with a white dress on drinks pink lemonade she resembles a thermometer. yj yi yi If you must get into an argument about the War, do it with someone who cannot talk English. HAT is meaner than to say “Merry Xmas” to the mail clerk when he only has his head sticking out of a pile of packages? 4jl 4{_4 4{i Men who have no sense of humor, get funny at the wrong time. 4|4 4^ 4^ Horse trading and law suits are much alike—sometimes when you win you lose. 4{4 4|4 4JJ A scrap of information generally ends in a divorce. ^4 4|4 4J4 The fellow with the silver tongue doesn’t always make the most useful citizen. NE of our boys goes to bed with his underclothes on—says what’s the use of taking them off, just makes that much more trouble, and there’s too much trouble in this world anyway. y* y* Beware the trail of the corkscrew— it’s crooked, that’s straight. Some men’s hearts give out before their trousers do. yi 4^ ^ Is a pair of overalls it or them? 4{4 4{4 If a fellow could guess what a woman would wear next, it would make him a rich man. HESE times the garages are all steam heated while the poor are compelled to steal coal to keep warm. y* yi yi The present war makes genuine econ¬ omy popular, and is the shock absorber of extravagance. yi When you see some girls you make up your mind that their Father must be some gardener to raise such roses. yi yi yi Some folks make dyspepsia their life’s work. yi yi yi The only difference between a man making music on a, pipe organ and a katydid—the bug does it easier. yj yj yi yt yi yi HERE wouldn’t be much for some doctors to do if they were not called upon at the beginning and ending of things. yi yi By the appearance of some men’s faces they haven’t honed their razors since ’76. yj yi 4|£ A business man who drinks whiskey is one kind of a bust developer—usually goes broke. yi yi yi The knitting that the society women do nowadays is made out of the yarns their husbands bring home. 4{1 y* Let’s see! Where was the play¬ ground of Europe? yi yj yi yj yt OW does it make you feel when your wife says, “Now try and act natural in Church.” ^ y* yi Very few blind people go to Church on Easter morning. 4ji yi 4|i Some men are bulls on the market, and bears at home. It hasn’t been very long since we thought the fellow was a dude who ran around with an automobile. yj It must be gratifying to a preacher to see so many new faces in his church when there is a funeral. yi 4J1 y? HAT is an optimist? A man who doesn’t care what happens, just so it happens to the other fellow. What is a pessimist? Why it’s the other fellow. y* yj y* Nowadays the styles look like they were copies of mistakes made by the de¬ signer. yi yi y* Some black men carry a safety razor only for moral effect. y* yi yj- Why don’t you get ahead of the other fellow instead of getting even with him? y* yi yi It seems as though Purity and the Siamese twins departed from this world at about the same time. yi yi yi y* y* y* NE authority describes the fash¬ ionable corsage as having shrunk modestly to a mere band. It looks to me like something less than a string immodestly abbreviated. 4ji yt If you want to be on the safe side, never learn to hold the baby. 4|4 4{4 4|4 All Chicago people can do on Sun¬ day is to sit around a hydrant. 4|4 4|4 4J4 Every penny’s worth of experience has cost someone a dollar. 4{4 4|4 4^ Good citizenship is the American laundry that will turn out clean politics. HE dry goods and grocery stores are all moving out in the sub- burbs in order to make more room down town for the pool rooms and moving picture shows. 4JI Some fellows have no standing in a community because they do too much sitting. 4j) Some men are so stingy they wouldn’t give a dime to see a private earthquake. 4{1 Always be afraid of a woman who isn’t afraid of a mouse. yi yi Before a man can help build up America he must learn to work and vote. iji ijj (jj yj yj yi EFORE they are married he brings her violets. Afterwards she plants the seed and raises them herself. 4^ yi Some voters are as honest with a candidate as they are with the assessor. gf Some men have been due in Hell for the last twenty years. t£f 4|4 ^4 The fellow that has allowed many op¬ portunities to pass has a great future be¬ hind him. 4 ^ ^4 ^ Some men living in Chicago must be distant relatives of the thieves that were met on the road between Jerusalem and Jericho. HEN you are talking about war these days, be careful and not create any agitation that will make nurses of our wives and daughters. yi yi The only use we could make of kings in this country would be in a poker game. In front of a bar is a poor place for men to stand up for their rights. 4jl When a man has a fuss with his wife she should be his silent partner. “Safety First” on the Rock Island Railroad seems to apply only to the of¬ ficers’ salaries. F it wasn't for the lawyers and undertakers, some of our tight¬ wads never would contribute to a town's prosperity. yi When some fellows stay away from home long, they most always come back short. yj- When the Government passed a law to exclude the Mongolian they should have included the dandelion. Our people are educated in every line but political efficiency. “Safety First" never did gain a foot¬ hold in Europe. EARS ago the population of Wes¬ tern towns was known by quan¬ tity—now it is known by qual¬ ity. yj yj The cost of maintaining a dread- naught is so great it looks like good econ¬ omy to sink one now and then. gl This winter the stock men are not the only ones who are watching high calves. An automobile hearse is alright but who in the world wants to ride in it? 4 ^ The war will end mighty quick when someone begins shooting at the pocket- book. yj yj yi yi y» $ OCKETS are now woven in ladies’ stockings. Wouldn’t it look fun¬ ny to see a bunch of girls walk¬ ing down the street with their hands in their pockets? yi yj ^ If Teddy were President—the war would be over—here. People should cry more at weddings than at funerals—they are more uncer¬ tain. gt y* Do you know of any man who has not argued about the war? ' 4JJ- igl ^ Some people still trim their corns and plant potatoes by Jayne’s Almanac. FTER the war is over who is going to make the money to pay the widows’ and childrens’ pen¬ sions? f Every time the assessor comes around every fellow slides down in his seat in the tax coach and says he is only ten years old. 4{l 4|4 The people in our insane asylums have no monopoly on the Simple Life nowadays. § What’s the difference between call¬ ing a man a sly dog or a measly cur? 4J1 The Democratic Party wouldn’t be so short of money if they would put a war tax on dogs. yi yj iji 4JJ yj. T’S not much worse for one Gov¬ ernor to empty the penitentiary than it is for the other Gover¬ nors to empty the Treasury. 4^ 4J4 Industry is the key to the Bread Box. yi yi yi People are troubled more with gossip than pure thoughts. yi yj ijt There are only two things in the world more expensive than women and wine—politics and piety. yi yi yi / The only time that some men get near a Bible is when they take an obliga¬ tion in a lodge room. LL the flowers a fellow brings his girl after they are married are the two palms in his hands. y* yi y* An apple a day will keep the doctor away—an onion a day will keep every¬ body away. yj- A talking point is any place where a Ford story can be told. yi The common people are getting so darned rich they will soon want pearl handled skillets. yi When no strangers come to our church the collections are always about the yi ijj yj iji § same. ROM the fact that some men are on the square all of their lives, they have no way to get ’ round when they grow old. 4|j § 4{4 Any man who remembers the stiff bosomed shirt buttoned down the back is too old to flirt. 4|i 4|£ Judging from the divorce records it looks as if Hymen’s torch was made of brimstone. yi yi yj When your wife hasn’t any clothes to wear to a party let her go for a swim. yt ty Some men knew Edison when he went to bed in the dark. PREACHER can make a woman believe the story about Jonah and the whale, but nobody can make her believe some stories about her husband. y* yi 4ji Censure is the ragtime talk of every¬ day conversation. yt 4^ 4^ When a fellow is in love he shouldn’t believe all he thinks. 4J1 4j£ 4|i Which would you rather do, dictate at your office or at home? yi yi yj All back-sliders should be sent to the Panama Canal and be made to work on the Culebra Cut. ys yi yj yj yj yi OLDERS of office who do not en¬ force the law are to blame for the large number of moral crip¬ ples in the penitentiaries. The majority of women who protest against the tyranny of the male sex are the ones as a rule who are not bothered with them. yi After a while some graduated oddity will advocate corn rows nine feet apart in order to land on the lecture platform. yj- yi yi It would take seven minutes for our Army and navy to shoot off all the am- unition that we have in this country— after that how would you protect the flag? HE foreman of a gang of railway men has more than his share of Irish wit. The other afternoon he was walking along his section of the line when he found one of his laborers fast asleep in the shade of a hedge. Eying the man with a stern smile, he said, slowly: “Slape on, ye idle spalpeen—slape on. So long as ye slape ye’ve got a job; but when ye wake up ye’re out of wurrk!” j£ 4J* ^ This is the day when the automobiles take care of the dollars; the slot machines the pennies, and the Government Re¬ serve fund the nickles. * 4Ji 4|i One of our citizens has taken so much of Lydia Pinkham’s medicine that he wants to vote the Suffrage ticket. 4M 4M 4M yt 4J1 LE took a moonlight ride with his girl. When they had ridden about twelve miles in almost per¬ fect silence, Ole said to her, “Tillie, will you marry me?” She replied that she would. They rode on for about two miles more, and Tillie said, “Why don’t you say something?” Ole said, “I think I talked too damn much now.” $ A fellow standing on the street cor¬ ner, wearing trousers that had not been pressed for such a long time that they had formed big knees in them, was greeted as follows by an Irishman who had been looking at him for a few min¬ utes: “Why in the world don’t ye jump?” $ Some people have distant relatives that are like patent leather shoes—not what they are cracked up to be. FELLOW went into a saloon and asked for a drink of whiskey. Turning around he happened to see a fountain with a mermaid on top of it, with the water up around her arms. Addressing the bartender, he said, “Say, Pal, what time does the tide go out?” A bath in prosperity washes away the blues. gi y* yi Gossipers do not pay any attention to union hours. yj- yj 4JJ- Politics is the “Self-Starter” for al¬ most any man. It*s pretty tough to hang a man when he is reading a continued story. 4jl y* i£L 4j£ NE cold, wet and windy night a merchant came upon a negro shivering in the doorway of an Atlanta store. Wondering what the darky could be doing standing on a cold, wet night in such a place, the proprietor said: “Jim, what are you doing here?” “’Scuse me, sah,” said Jim, but I’se gwine to sing bass tomorrow mornin’ at church and Tse tryin’ to ketch a cold.” Mistress: “How does it happen, Mary, that you never saw finger-bowls before?” Mary: “No, Marm, where I lived they mostly washed themselves before they came to dinner.” 4ji y* Mushrooms and umbrella menders pop up at about the same time. T was in a country store in Arkan¬ sas. A one-gallus customer drifted in. “Gimme a nickle’s worth of asafoetida. ,, The clerk poured some asafoetida in a paper bag and pushed it across the counter. “Charge it,” drawled the customer. “What’s your name?” asked the clerk. “Honeyf unkel.’ ’ “Take it,” said the clerk. “I wouldn’t write asafoetida and Honeyfunkel for five cents.” yi yi yi As Dupont now has control of both the powder business and the Equitable Life he will get everybody, coming or going. yi Experience is a great teacher, but a good wife is a better one. URING a concert tour of the late Theodore Thomas and his cele¬ brated orchestra one of the mu¬ sicians died, and the following telegram was despatched to his parents: “John Blank died suddenly today. Advise by wire as to disposition.” In a few hours the answer was re¬ ceived: “We are heart-broken; his dis¬ position was a roving one.” gf 4J1 Nowadays some women are only do¬ ing slight housekeeping. yi A photographer gives some people more than a square deal. y* ^ y* Have you given your undarned socks to the Salvation Army yet? HE teacher who is fond of put¬ ting his class through natural his¬ tory examinations is often sur¬ prised by their mental agility. He recent¬ ly asked them, “What animal is satisfied with the least nourishment ?” “The moth!” one of them shouted, confidently. “It eats nothing but holes.” It's strange that some legislatures have not passed a law creating wrist- watch inspectors. yj yi yi Few of us ever get beyond the pun¬ ishing age—when our parents stop, ex¬ perience begins. y* yj yj If there was no soap, what would the world look like? T is told by a San Francisco lawyer of a Texan who, obliged to go to Denver before the termination of a suit brought against him by a neigh¬ bor, left orders that his attorneys should let him know the result by wire. In a couple of days he got this tele¬ gram; “Right has triumphed,” Immediately the Texan wired back: “Appeal immediately.” 4{i Did you ever slip on the ice and re¬ peat the Lord’s Prayer at the same time? ^ yt yi All matrimonial bonds are not divi dend payers. Nowadays a fellow must blow his own horn, or someone will fill it with cotton. yj yi yi . yj IJI s* F any man here,” shouted the tem¬ perance speaker, “can name an honest business that has been helped by the saloon, I will spend the rest of my life working for the liquor people.” A man in the audience arose. “I con¬ sider my business an honest one,” he said, “and it has undoubtedly been help¬ ed by the saloon.” “What is your business?” yelled the orator. “I, sir,” responded the man, “am an undertaker.” yi yi yi The Progressives should not feel bad if the Republicans follow what Lincoln said: “I shall deal with them as if they never went away.” yi yj yi Some men are about as true to their country as to their wife. ^ iji ty iji HEN a certain Judge was driving through Ireland, night came on and he was forced to go to a hut and ask for shelter. An Irishman lived there alone but said he might stay over night. After they had crawled into bed the judge said, “It will probably be a long time before you have an opportun¬ ity to sleep with a judge in this county • 9f again. “Yes! and it will be a long time be¬ fore you will be judge in this county again,” replied the Irishman. 4J1 4J1 4J1 This year everybody acts like they have been short-changed; raising the price of everything. yj yi yi The fellow who makes a noise eating soup generally trys to blow the foam off of lemon pie. yj yi yi yj yj. yj y* HE supervisor of a school was trying to prove that children are lacking in observation. To the children he said, “Now, chil¬ dren, tell me a number to put on the board.” Some child said, “Thirty-six.” The supervisor wrote sixty-three. He asked for another number, and seventy-six was given. He wrote sixty- seven. When a third number was asked, a child who apparently had paid no atten¬ tion called out, “Theventy-theven. Change that, you darned thucker!” yj When money talks almost every¬ body listens. 4|J 4J4 Bad luck “gets everybody” if they live long enough. ip 4J4 ip 4p 4p HEN the train struck an automo¬ bile loaded with four men, it scattered them to the four winds. One got up and looked around for help. An old peddler happened along and said, c ‘Anybody hurt ?” “I don't know but presume so,” was the answer. “Anybody killed.” “Don't know.” “Has the coroner been here?” “No.” “Has the doctor been here?” “No.” “Has the claim agent been here?” “No.” “Then let me lay down beside you.” yi § The fellows that are not much on looks can generally find a drink in town easier than anybody else. Linotyped and Printed by COMMERCIAL ART PRESS Monmouth, III. ♦ * y* y* tji iji t »0 wmmu IfflKgf: vrjft i . at. ■ Jt.f l i' wi,*: -i»*',vfiP-TlL tt Li: •H W.B ;« p I kI 1 i u- H ly&flllL,-, ..* Ip • mMmt M msm tti ■ •}» «f r> ji. j .< 'J^ r u