Ob LI B R.AR.Y OF THE UN IVLRSITY Of ILLINOIS V.I BATH; A SATIRICAL NOVEL, WITH PORTRAITS. ' BY THOMAS BROWN, THE ELDER: AUTHOR OF 33rfs6ton, or ige ^ttsint^ IN THREE VOLUMES. " Sam un petit brin d'Amour On s'ennii^eroit meme a la cour/" FRENCH BALLAD. VOL. L LONDON : PRINTED FOR THE AUTHOR? A]!J1> SOLD BY SHERWOOD, NEELY, AND JONES, PATERNOSTER MOW, 1818. B. Clarke, Printer, Well Street, London. ADVERTISEMENT. ^ By an unfortunate error, arising from a 5 hasty preparation of the Manuscript for the Press, Lord and Lady P are in the ^^ latter part of this Work styled Lord and Lady Mona : — the Reader is therefore re- c quested to bear in mind that they are the ;:^^ «ame personages. •^ "^j. BATH. CHAPTER I. A hardy race, who never shrunk from war, The Scot, to rival realms a mighty bar, Here fix'd his mounfain home — a wide doDiain, And rich the soil, had purple heath been grain ; But what the niggard ground of wealth denied, From fields more bless'd his fearless arm supplied Leyden's Scenes of Infancy. On a high and commanding situation, embosomed in ancient and lofty pines, variegated by the oak, the momitain ash, and by the ivy-clad elm, whose an- tique roots extend over many a moss-co- vered path, stands the grey castle of Glen Eagle. Its huge weather-beaten VOL. I. J^ 2 BATH. walls announce permanence and strength. Its lofty battlements^ its portcullis, and deep fosse, its parapet and counterscarp, its loop-holes, its dungeon, and its dif- ficulty of approach, recal to the tra- veller s imagination the predatory wars of feudal times, and fill the mind with sorties, warriors and palfries slain ; with tournaments lost and won, with captive ladies, and with all the tale and circum- stance of chivalry. Extensive woods and steep craggy rocks, whence the bold eagle takes his daring flight, and from whose summits it may be truly said that *' The cbafs and crows that wing the midway air Seem scarce as gross as beetles," form, as it were, a girdle round, it; while, in the centre, parks, lawns. BATH gardens, and shrubberies, smile with pe- culiar grace, and flourish with un- common viridity, being sheltered by the sepulchral yew, and by the broad armed oak ; and thus protected from the moun- tain mist and boreal blast, which, in the stormy season, sweep and howl innoxi- ous round this enchanting spot. A silvery lake, meandering in many a fancy form, laves the foot of the moun- tain ; and devious paths through the purple hether, the yellow broom, and across the chain of adjacent hills, render the whole scene romantic beyond de- scription. On abrupt and almost inac- cessible points of the crags you may perceive the mountain goat gambolling uncontrolled, and its sportive young plucking the wild thyme out of antique B 2 4 BATH. niches, and over-hanging the precipice. Amidst the dark, breast-high fern, or braken, the wild roe looks out, cautious and stately, and paces majestically his round, followed by bounding deer. From rock to rock the hoarse raven and ominous screechr-owl echo their disso- nant note, which is ever and anon re- lieved by the oaten pipe of the content- ed shepherd leading his numerous flocl^s. Such is the exterior of the castle. Its interior is not less ancient and im- posing. Marble halls, oak staircases, ceilings of the same wood, carved in the most fantastic forms, with arches in fret-work^ imitating the most curious lace, carvings of crosses, drawn swords and ducal coronets, wreaths of laurel and cypress, form the ornaments of the BATH. spacious apartments, which are hung with curious decaying tapestry, with many a fabled subject finely wrought, with scrolls and parchments of family achievements, and with genealogical re- cords, whose seals, losing daily their im- pressions, scarcely retain a vestige of their former representation. An armoury filled with cross-bows, hawberks, and battle axes, broad-swords and boar spears, javelins and matchlock guns, the clumsy implements of san- guinary and uncivilized w^ars, with here and there a rusty helmet, and now and then a faded family picture, a chapel of great antiquity, and a banqueting room of prodigious extent, where hospitality still warms the gothic walls, and the harp and pipe still breathe their thrilling B 3 6 BATH. sounds : — such are the halls of the Glen Eagle family, whose clan has played its part, and reeked its vengeance on full many an adventurous Dane, whose an- cient bones now whiten in the many tu- muli which are to be seen on the moun tains and in the environs of the castle. Its present chief, bearing the strong stamp and feature of nobihty, with high bland forehead, ardent eye, prince-like deportment, and courtly mien, but en- feebled and enervated, polished until the original fell off from the old stock of heroes, (like an exchanged and travelled coin, which, from the collision of pass- ing from hand to hand, and being con- fused and mixed with foreign and baser metals, loses its first foim and cha- racter), reside?, during the autumn BATH. 7 months, on his ample but encumbered estates, and gladdens by his presence, and by the cordiahty of his welcome, not only the stern hunter of the forest, but the passing stranger, who, once re- ceived, can never forget the hospitality of his hall. It was now, however, a time of mourn- ing. The duke spent his hours mostly in his study, where he received a loved sympathizing sister and a few faithful friends, who only at intervals intruded on his retirement, or marked his course to the waterfall, or along the lone path that leads to a bower, where love (less lawful than excessive) had often wooed his wandering steps, brushing away the wild rose and creeping eglantine, where then he reposed in thoughtless security, B 4 BATH. and slumbered off the delirium of pas- sion, but where he now mused, sighed, and meditated on the past, whilst in rememb'rance dear, ** Thought followed thought, and t^ar succeeded tear.'' The bower that witnessed his bliss had how lost its charm, for she ^ was fled for ever who constituted its chief delight, who twined the wreath with lily hand, and breathed fresh fragrance on many a dewy flower or aromatic plant.— She was gone — and his heart was widowed. —She was not his by laws — but such as love had made; yet was he inconsolable, and forswore all manner of joy. He or- dered, however, that the sports of the * Lady J. R . BATH. 9 castle should be uninterrupted for his guests, and only pleaded indisposition, to warrant his withdrawing from the gay throng, whilst Lady Charlotte, and a chosen few, knew, and sorrowed for the real cause. Whilst a deep gloom seized upon the heart of the duke, the gay guests of Glen Eagle Castle run their giddy round of pleasure. The noonday hunt, the mid- night revel, the warm licentious waltz, the attractive drama, the fervid vows and gallantry of swains, '^ hot with the Tuscan grape, and high in blood," made the castle a dangerous haunt for the young and unsuspicious beauty breaking into life, and too easily won by pleasure. In the mazes of a flowery wilderness, and, as the poet says, *~^ B 5 10 BATH. *' In the close covert of a grove, *' By nature form'd for scenes of love," there were many attractive recesses. There the modesty yet mild and melting fair one would saunter with a favoured love-sick swain^ deranged by the intoxica- tion of dissipation^ and by a stinted rest^ which plays and balls, the breath of music, and the fascination of Moore's Amatory Melodies, narrowed and in- truded on. Here you might see couples at studied distances, with arm linked in each other s, holding the peaceful bow, which was not destined to strike the deer, but hung by the side of another wounded hart, or with the half opened and h2M perused novel or romance, pen- dant from the ivory gracefulness of woman's arm, loitering in these destruc- BATH. 11 tive scenes of fascination and enchant- ment. Here was Clara Winlove with young Lafonce, devouring the soft non- sense of his tongue^ receiving and con- ceahng the studied billet, but, finally — for lack of gold^ she left him. Previous to this desertion, however, the blandish^ ments of this couple were such, that an honest Highland gamekeeper, who sometimes strayed that way, said that he was sure that the true lovers would be married, for that he heard such frequent billing* hacie tenere, that the sound thereof resembled the chirping of wee bit birdies. Here also did the attractive, bewitching, and yielding Mrs. Castle- to^'^Ti wander, unseen ^ with Tom Shuf- * The Highlander bestowed another name ou the thing. 12 BATH. fleton, in amorous converse, and in tender strains of love *' Did plight their mutual faith so very true, *' That echo answered to the bird— cmcAtoo.'* Here also did Lord stray through the woody mazes of a labyrinth, whose margin is beautifully studded and enameled with flowers, linked in the well-turned arm of Jaquelina Lovemore, whose large full eye, like that of Juno, commanded fierce and imperious love, and whose high coloured sanguine charms, like lightning's flash, either daz- zled or inflamed the beholder. Here too Mrs. Milafont, with some sapient elderly swain^ reasoned on passion and attachment, and moralized on the ega- rements du cceur, et de V esprit^ whilst the stiver crescent stood high in the vault BATH. 13 above, and the distant sound of the dinner gong only left her time to say, " We will resume this interesting subject to-morrow; but recollect, my dear Mr. Bookworm, the principles which / lay doum, and which, arguing a priori - " Here they were interrupted, and joined by the dinner party, running in all di- rections, with golden and raven tresses given to the wanton wind, warmed by love stories, and trusted to Zephyr's tattling and inconstant breeze. Here too lovely and kind Mrs. Hazlewood would sing a second to *' Will you go to the bower I have shaded for you, *' Your bed shall be roses erapeari'd with th« dew." We have already said that the moon lit the party to dinner. The mode of 14 BATK. living at the castle of Glen Eagle was thus. Not much later than at three, p.m. was served breakfast, the best in the world, because a Scotch breakfast, where cold moor-fowl and other game, fish in abun- dance, particularly dried, cold tongues and ham, late fruits, fresh cream, marma- lade of exquisite flavor, and honey which would not have disgraced the Hyblean bee, were superadded to the common materials of a dejeune, and derived ad- ditional spirit^ not only from foreign liqueurs, but from the peat-perfumed whiskey, which makes the Highlander s heart dance with mirth, or nerves his strong muscular arm for most intrepid deeds of war. Fishing, shooting, riding and driving, spearing the salmon, or shooting the BATH. 15 wild deer, with scenes mysterious, and amatory promenade, amused the guests of this hospitable roof until moonlight winked at little adventures, which, being peccali ceiad, should be mezzo perdonaii^ or until the sable curtain of evening dropped upon ladye, knight, and 'squire. And whatever may have happened — now " Clonds and darkness rest upon't." Then began the feast^ the revel, and the soft sound of music, the plentiful libation to the jolly god, flushing the ardent features of the males, and lend- ing a crimsonish velvet hue to Jaire ladye^s cheek, and an archness to her sparkling eye, with such a rosy invita- tion to her lip, that stoical coldness could scarcely look on unmoved; and the l6 BATH. stoutest heart might meU and waver under such circumstances of witcher}^ The matin bell was the belle s sum- mons to the festive youths to quit their devotions to Bacchus, and to pay their homage to the blue-eyed queen of love. The youthful readily obeyed. Encou- raged by the magic grape had been the sigh^ the look, the foot of beaut>^ erring under the table, and coming in electric contact with his, who burned with desire of being still on a more friendly footing with the fair; or the corresponding pres- sure of soft and taper fingers seized on a staircase, or slily bestowed to the obe- dient and devoted beau who opened the folding door when loveliness withdrew, to allow a space for the unbridled mirth and converse of the gentlemen. The BATH. 17 elderly still adlicred to the mirth-inspir- ing bowl, and drowned the recollection of time and fleeting life, in the oblivious cup, till day chid them for the loss of hours, ah ! never to return again. A concert, a private play, waltzing, and the Highland reel, passed off the meny^ nights ; w hilst many of the men adjourned to the billiard table, and never couched at all, except for an hour or two in the middle of the day. In these sports and gambols there* was a strong contest betwixt the fascination and effect of the amorous, graceful, and languishing waltz, and the bounding, active, and elastic reel. In the foniier, bosoms heaved, eyes drooped, anns unfolded, and gliding mazy motions turned the brain and in- flamed the heart; in the latter, agile 18 BATH. forms^ light and quivering limbs^ active and frolicksome attitudes and move- ments, exhilirated the spirits, impelled the high flush of youth, and fixed the inquiring eye of the connoisseur ; whilst the aged Highlander sighed, with the mingled conflict of pain and pleasure, lost in remembrance of after days, and perhaps, with an unhidden tear in his' eye-lid, which rough but less exqui- site feeling had brought there, from a retrospective glance . at ^'^ the days of lang syne." The follower of nature was captivated by the latter, but the courtly youth's heart was seduced and riveted to the former. All this time did the duke feed his melancholy, and indulge in unavailing regret, comforted by Lady Charlotte,* BATH. ly « and receiving the condolences of choice friends ; for his grace thought that he had felt real, love, immutable at- tachment, and eternal affection : he had fondly dreamed that his was an inextin- guishable flame, a never-fading affec-^ tion, such as is thus described : To keep one sacred flame Through life unchill'd, unmov'd ; To loTe in wintry age the same That first in youth— —we lov'd; To feel that we adore To such refin'd excess, That though the heart would break with more, It could not live with less : — This, this is love faithful love, Such as saints might feel above. But alas ! there was more of the sin- ner than of the saint in his grace's pas- sion ; and neither had it the exquisite, unsullied refinement, nor interminable 20 _ BAttt. existence, which imagination had created in his mind. At length, however, a cir- cumstance occurred, which drew him, nothing wilHng, from his sohtude and tears, and which forced him to leave his room, to mix with the guests of the castle. It was now the birth-day of the duke; and ancient usage, love of his sur- rounding clan. Highland hospitality, and faithful adherence to family custom Si, rendered it necessary for the chief to meet his relations, his vassals, and his friends, in the halls of his forefathers, to unfurl the banner of his house, and therewith to surmount the round-tower of his castle ; to admit the piper of the clan with his device, colours, and rib- bands flying, with the armorial bearings af the family richly embroidered on the BATH. 21 flag, and to listen to the rtide but martial pibroch, to the gathering which ran through the v^ins of the attentive moun- taineer, which made him strut and bristle up hke the roused hon, or bound and flounce about to the merrier Highland fling. On this grand and imposing occasion, you might see kilts waving, tartan dra- pery flouncing in graceful fold^ feathers nodding, dirks and broad-swords glitter- ing in their studded and ornamented sheaths. There were the clans of Glen Eagle, Glen Lion, Glen Turret, and Glen More ; the Ivers M^Ivers, the Ta- vish M^Tavishs', the Gregor McGregors, the Alpin M'Alpins, and, though last, not least, Glenfallach, Dunstaffhage, Kinlochaulin, M'Nab, and Rorie M'Ijit 2iJ BATH. tosh. There were such hearty feHci- tations, such hands manfully clench- ed in hands, such shouting, and such footing it; such snapping of fingers, and clattering of brogues, such felicitations and greetings, that the massy pillars of the hall shook, and the walls rung with health and long life to Glen Eagle, and success to the honour of the clan. Donald, the gamekeeper, had, with his unerring rifle, couched on bended knee, shot the proudest roe of the forest, which he laid at his master s feet, with a Highland compliment, signifying, " so low may every enemy of your house and clan be placed," Angus the piper had, ere he tuned his pipe, speared with his iisievy or trident, an immense salmon, wbich also was offered at the shrine of BATH. 23 fidelity and respect. Mary M^Gilvray, heading a band of Highland maids, pre- sented garlands of flowers, and looking archly at the young Laird of Ben Nevis, seemed as if she had gathered parmi Us Jleurs qiielques fruits. All, however, was hilarity, and Highland mirth, friend- ship, and true hospitality. At the health of Glen Eagle being proposed, every broad-sword leaped from its scabbard ; and the nearest of kin sticking his dirk in the table, shouted in chorus, whilst the piper struck up " a louder yet, and yet a louder strain," and all laying their hands on their blades, s^vore to stick together until the end of time. There you might have heard groans and sounds of ogh^ ou aye^ ouff^ such gutterals and expletives as frighten- 24 BATH. ed two or three of the ladies terribly, and turned the stomach of an exquisite from London : but these groans and grunts were not of displeasure ; they were the expressions of what they could do, what they would do, what they had done to the enemies of their country and their clan, and what they may do again and again, when clad in the bright array of arms. The duke, although refined down into an exquisite, had still the latent spark of patriotism in his breast; still did he feel the encreased current of proud blood, and his heart stirred powerfully within him to behold the tried loyalty, the ge- nuine attachment, the incorruptible fide- lity of these sons of blue hills^ and climbers of lofty precipices. There was BATH. 25 not an individual, young or old, from the red scar which marked the boundary of his domain, to the foot of the moun- tain, and to the border of the lake, who had not come forth to join in honest heartfelt gratulations. It was a scene that well, might have awakened the noblest feelings, and have thrilled the soul of sensibility. The feast passed off with harmony and with uninterrupted glee. Twenty- four hours were devoted to its celebra- tion ; and even then, the vassal chiefs, who held under Glen Eagle's chieftain^ ship hereditary land and consequence of their own, rallied the disabled forces, and making head with the strongest heads, adjourned to different points de raillemeni, tp drain another cup to the VOL. I. o 26 BATH. honour of the rank^ and to talk over the full bowl, of legendary tale, family record, and chronicled achievements of their ancestors, to pledge the kind and friendly sentiment, to emulate each other in filling to the brim to the fairest ladye and the most adventurous knight, in putting round the mountain ballad and the war songs, and in calling up from their embers ^^ the spirits of their fethers." Mount Eagle, notwithstanding, felt no relief in all this. " Lethalis arundo manet alta mente reposta ;" nothing could drive away despair ; nor flowing bowl, nor music's gladdening strain, nor lively dance, nor woman's winning smile. Change of place w^as advised ; and it was determined upon that his grace BATH. 37 should leave the castle the next day for Bath, where rt was said the waters would be of service. The waters of Lethe would have been necessary one might have thought ; but other events were in the embryo of time, and in time will come to light. •fe ^5 28 BATH. CHAPTER II. , '* Mi nueva y dulce querela Es invisible, etc,'* Within my bosom's cell I bear A recent wound a valued woe It lurks unseen and buried there. No gazing eyes my secret know. With these words^ and this feeUng, the duke took a hasty leave of his castle : the guests were requested to remain as long as they chose; and Lord John, his grace's brother, was deputed to entertain them. He started at night to avoid seeing his numerous affectionate tenan- try, to get rid of his steward with a list of demands and items three yards long, ^nd to beguile, by travelling, the hours BATH. - 29 which tranquil minds gave to rest. He joumied night and day until he arrived at Edinburgh. There, fatigue, and the necessity of seeing his agent, compelled him to stop, and the marriage of a six- teenth cousin (so far does relationship and protection go in Scotland) induced him to give her away, and to be present at a ball, but not to join either, in the mirth or the active amusements of the scene. Edinburgh is so well known, that it would be idle to attempt at describing it. We shall content ourselves, therefore, with saying that it is the very reverse of the western Highlands; that civilities, gratulations, smiles, and demonstrations of attachment, are common there, but not obligator?/; that they are the mere' tokens, the signs, and representation^ c 3 30 BATH. without the essence of friendship ; thaf Donald's heart and hand move together ; but that a Lowlander is a very difFereat man, A suspicious John Bull, on hi$ northern tour, was so surprised at the rea* diness of a Lowlander to put out his hand tn do you a civility, but nevei- a service, that he used to button up hi s^ breeches pocket immediately, and put his hand behind him, fearful lest a first token of intimacy might only be a prelude to ' being taken in. Be that as it may, the Lowlander is quite another being from the western or genuine Highlander : the rouglmess and honesty of the latter is liighly contrasted by the supple pliability and artfulness of the eastern Highlander, *nd bv the extreme caution of the Low- BAtH. 51 fander ; and every other quality is as much at variance in them as in the in- habitants of opposite countries and soil* possibly could be. But his grace is now dressing, and we shall be at the ball immediately. It was far in the night when the duke en- tered the dancing-room. Every eye was upon him^ and the whisper went round. Hi& distant kinsman ran proudly to re* ceive a titled relative, and was delighted at having an opportunity of introducing him to the party. It consisted of a he- terogeneous mixture of great and little> of high and low, assimilated and brought together by many combining circum* stances. The great and high were poor,_ the nobility were involved and incum- bered, the little and low were prosper- C 4 32 BATH. ous^ thriving in banks or speculative con- cerns^ at the bar, or in finance. Thus the lord was poor, but the agent or doer did him, and was rich. Then again, the writers and advocates had chents of high blood and ancient family, with scarcely a coat to their back ; whilst they, the laviyers, had a whole mit, hy which they made a hundred coats, waist- coats, and pairs of pantaloons for them- selves, their numerous families, their clerks, servants, and poor relations. The medical men too swarmed like bees in a hive. Every patient seemed to have two doctors ; and it is wonderful how they left any health in the land to trade with, or to operate upon. To behold at a rout, the dingy tribe of physic and law, a stranger might sup- BATH. 33 pose that the inhabitants of the whok country were at variance and sick, and that the professions played into each other's hands ; the first by plucking his m^n and vexing him into a fit of illness, and the second by coming in after the lawyers execution, to glean the field of the half slain, by physicking his pocket into a consumption, and by w^ork- ing his strength into the grave. Doctor, advocate, writer to the sig-net, and law- student, made up the great mass of the groups ; whilst antiquated tabbies, card- playing matrons, and giddy skipping girls on the list of promotion, coupled with rude young clumsy bucks, com- pleted the remaining quota. The waltz was here not general. At this house it was entirely forbid : it was 34 BATH. thought not quite discreef ; and that word discreet is a very comprehensive terny. Here there were no Macs, no Rories, nor Gregors, but there were Maisiers Innes and Inghs, and Christieson, and Gibson and Tomson, and all sorts of sons. There were law lords and agents^ and poor baronets and bankers, and a rich baronet raised by whiskey and grainy and great distillers, and wine merchants^ physicians and surgeons, poets and professors, advocate's and mi- nisters, sine Jin €. Now, ministers in Scotland are not ministers of state ^ but stately vimisters of the gospeL Just as parks are mere fields, 2Lnd fields are called parks, poli- mes have nothing to do with policy or politics^ but arepaltry plantations. Wood is so magnified and upheld, that a man^* walking-stick has its weight and respect- ability ; and timmer or timber may be exemplified by two or three bramble bushes, or by a wooden leg, which ac- cordingly is called a tree leg, and which, it must be confessed, is the lamest ac- count of timber that ever was known. Thus it is that Lowland consequence is very high, and that Highland conse- quence is very low, except where the claymore or broad-sword gets fair play, and there Donald Roy, and, Roderie Dubh, mark their own scores, and stand as high as any one. In continuance of this Lowland im- portance, every man with a few roods or acres of land is maistcr sic a one of Stone- field, or Greenhill, or Whiteside, or 36 BATH. Lonevale, et cetera; whereas, the moun- taineer, with plains, and hills, and heaths, and mountains, wood, water, and valley, makes but a poor figure in Edinburgh ; borrows perhaps his own money of his man of busness and doer!!! and, whilst he is fighting the battles of his country abroad, his agent at home is figuring away upon his property, and raising his rents. The duke was deeply dipped in this way, and in consequence was very con- descending to the Lowland breed of mer- chants and doers, when out of hi« own sphere, and off his own free mountains. At supper, a great many of the misses cast warm and inviting glances at the duke : but grief had double-locked eveiy avenue to his hearty and he retired, un- BATH. 3 7 interested by any of them, from the merry dance and sumptuous supper; and throwing himself into his car- riage, travelled night and day again (with the exception of a few hours re- pose about noon) until he reached London. There he made but a short halt: but before we proceed further, let us observe, that whilst Ben More and Ben Nevis, Loch Lomond and Loch- long, Glen Lion and Glen Eagle, Glen Garry and Glen Morison, are sacred, lofty, and noble, ancient and of warlike race— Mavis bank, and Spring field, Greenlaw, and Weeshaw, Red-hill and Dirty-burn, never can give an idea be- yond novel propriety, paltry possession, the man of yesterday, prosperity of the 38 BATH. day, an escape from the counter, or a« education from successful profession or trade. Yet these materials form the opulent inhabitants of Edinburgh, riding in ill appointed carriages,^ or strutting with civic importance about the streets-, with the gold chain of office round their necks^ and a still greater love of gold in their hearts. One of these civic characters, whose fianeral was almost a fac simile of the immortal Lord Nelson s, Bailly Choler to wify though he had no wit at all, but brought on his end, very probably, by immoderate choler on the bench, and by overheating himself in his official and officious capacity at a great city feast, was not, like some of his prede- cessors, a rogue in grain, but a rogue in BATir. 39 wool/ or a wolf in sheep's clothing, namely, a greedy vender of fleecy ho- siery, flannel night caps, auld wives* under petticoats, and auld tnaids* wooU len drawers, socks for gouty feet, and as low as Shetland hose at sixpence or ninepence per pair. Yet he was in the high road to a bankruptcy^ and a setting up again, or to a baronetcy and fortune, with a house, consisting^ perhaps, but of one floor, a 'park^ a policy, and timmer^ all in a couple of acres of land, with three yew trees be- fore the door ; and from being a mer^' chant , (for such are retail grocers and stocking weavers ^ in Edinburgh) might have been Sir WiUiamy or Sir John, or at least Squire Choler of New Park^ Lone House, or Dike Side. 40 BATH. Before the duke left Edinburgh he had occasion to borrow a httle cash^ and apphed to a reverend doctor. The doctor " was na quite sure aboot the security ;" but then again ye ken^ the name of a nobleman went a great way with the doctor^ and he was proud of lending to so great a man. Doctor Mc. Money, by the mac in his name, appears, prima facie as High- land, and the clan as Argyleshire ; but the doctor in himself is a complete money-loving Lowlander. There are three subjects which this reverend ex- minister is vara fond of; viz. preach- ing, quality, and usury. In the first he is magnus, in the second major, in the third maximus. His preaching is now mostly confined BATH. 41 to the cabins of the lower order^ over a glass of whiskey ; and the spirit moves the Doctor in sun h^y way , The theme of quality does not, however, run out as his spirituous stream of eloquence does ; but it is a constant running on about quality, pedigree, anecdotes of titled folks, and the history of his ain faimilie^ with his matrimonial connec- tions in the nobility line ; for, from aye booing an booing, and kirk gain, he married iwa dames of noble houses, and what's more^ and perhaps- better for the doctor, he buried them baith. These alliances, great savings, and lending out money at interest, has made the doctor (in spite of many bad debts, and overreaching himself for the love of lucre) a rich man ; and, with his riches, 42 BATli. he has become a complete miser, which in his house, his person, and all his Aa- hitSy is most picturesquely striking. His house is dirty and confined ; b crammed up with packed wp furniture; from the fear of spoiling it by use ; and is filled with family trees, pictures of noble relations, damask chairs cased up, and not to be set on, his two wives' wardrobes kept to look at, trinkets locked up and void of lustre, parch- ments, deeds, indentures tripartite, bonds, mortgages, and obhgatory paper un- claimed, with cabinets, servants' liveries never to be worn, and plate to be viewed once a-year. In his person, you will find him at breakfast in a quondam green baize night gown, patched and mended like a BATH, 43 harlequin's jacket^ a greasy waistcoat^ which from black has become more green than the gown^ a pair of ditto breeches quilted with an embroideiy of pack-thread darns^ procured gratis from off the different parcels which have ar- rived at his door for the last half cen- tury^ shoes covered with mildew, and not to be brushed for fear of wearing out, and a nightcap made of chocolate coloured flowered cotton, being the worn-out seat of his housekeeper s cast- off petticoat, picked up by the doctor when thrown out, in order that naeihing should be wasted. When the doctor goes out he wears a wig like a French abbe's, which must have flourished in the days of Louia 44 «ATH. Qiiatorze^ and was probably bought second hand abroad in the earhest part of his youth, and this is surmounted by a sexagonaire hat, which serves for um- brella and beaver at the same ^ time, from its immense dimensions; the beaver, however^ is nominal; and it is a toss-up which has most hair on it, his reverence's wig or his sombrero of a hat. A thread-bare coat completes his toi- lette, of a very equivocal brownish blackish grey ; and upon high days and holidays the doctor puts on a ring upon his never-fading snuff-dyed finger, which ring has a family record attached to it, and is composed of an assemblage of large rose diamonds, which, however, he values as if the whole treasures of BATH, 4^ Golconda were exhausted on its forma- tion, or, as if Potosi and Peru could produce nothing in value to equal it. Thus equipped, he sets out to lend money, drink whiskey, and sponge for a dinner : he notes down great intended gains in his memoranda ; secures his beloved cash, and the note of hand, or other security of the purlieu in one of the finest pocket books that ever was printed, cased in the leather of a great- grandfather s boots; walks home in all weathers, in order to save coach or chair hire; and is not unfrequently found speechless in the kennel with his pockets rifled, and thus brought home by a ticket-porter ; for the doctor is all for gaifi, but a little for the bottle! From this miser His Grace was n%- 46 BATH. cessitated to have recourse to one more accommodating, although not less in- terested. Mr. Compound is a inan nei- tlier of birth nor education, nor of con- nections, nor of abihty, but not of less note in the money-lending world. The lairds of Fifeshire, which is humour-*- ously called the land of promise, well know him. Bond and mortgage are the order of the day there, and Mr. C. well knows the value of both. His origin was as a member of the board of green cloth, i, e. a tailor, but he has since then assumed the name of a niev' chant, a term very freely taken up h^ the Edinburgians, who not uncom- monly set up a chandler s shop, with a figure of four thus, 4, at their doors, indicative of their trading with the fowJf BATH. 47 ^juarters of the globe ! which entitles 111 em to the distinction of merchants ! JSIr. Compomid may fairly bear that name, not only from the idea of com- pound interest, but from the compounds which form his character. We have already seen that he has relinquished the tailor's shop-board for the board of trade in the money line, and that he has put. down the goose and thimble^ to traffic with the goose fromOrkney, or the Lowland pigeon, the blundering Irish siudent out of pocket, and the mort- gaging Fifeshire laird with estate out at elbows, Mr. C. deals in ship beef, hard pork, salt butter, fruit, wine, mouse^traps, and other sweetmeats ; in fine, he vends these commodities as giving facilit}^ to the bill-doing business. 4S BATH. We do not mean to impeach Mr. C. as a hard-hearted man, or a more nefari- ous money-broker than any of the trade, but merely to state the versatiHty of his genius, and the universality of his trade. (Edinburgh, gentle reader, is a univer- sity — don't let the pun be lost.) To give a sketch of Mr. C's character, he adds religion to arithmetic, and a love of the sex to an inordinate love of money, which may easily be seen by his keep- ing his guests waiting three-quarters of an hour for dinner in order to treat them with a long grace, in which a sort oi prayer for health and ready money, and something touching the payment of debts, is happily introduced, and from the circumstance of his going to the meeting at night on the Sabbath^ as BATH. ^9 they always call it in Scotland, to make acquaintance with some pretty serving girl ; these females imbibing such primi- tive principles of philanthropy, that they love their neighbours as themselves, whilst the puritan male loves go further, for they love their neighbour s wive$ better than their own, and their neigh- bour s servants par 'preference to any Other. But to give the last trait of piou% zeal, and *deep-rooted love of money in our friend in question, he has an only son whom he loves so tenderly, that he has had him christened Abra- ham Newland : he was bom before the time of Henry Hase, else, doubtless, the name would well enough have suited a hazy baptism, which is no uncommon thing in the north. The young gen- VOL. I. p so BATH. tleman's mamma was a spider-brusher : aiid such was the freedom of conscience exercised by the parents, that they did not think matrimony indispensably ne- cessary, and accordingly dispensed there- with. From what motives we do not pretend to say, but the loan did not take place, and Glen Eagle went away disap- pointed from Mr. Compound, as he had done from the doctor. Money-lending in Edinburgh is like what Doctor John- son said of learning in the same city: it is confined to a few, and even those few are confined in their notions, they have all a mouthful, but no man has a stomach full: the will to gain is counteracted by the fear to lose ; so in learning, the wish to learn is sadly checked by the desire of turning learning to account^ and by BATH. 61 the fear that even learning should cost too much, whereby the holder of the talent, might not be able speedily to turn it into a talent of gold, or (more probably) a talent of silver. If a man fail with the doctor, or with Mr. Com- pound, he mi:st come to Mr. Try^ the woollen-draper and furnisher, who will sell him abundance of things abundantly dear : he lives at the sign of the white fieece^ or the lamb's ^e^c^, we forget which ; he will do a man s bill, ask another to dinner, and fancies himself quite a gentleman : hunts, struts, and forgets himself, but never forgets his bill ; he also plays at' whist, and visits a few ruined lairds, and green stu* dents ; and neither are much bene- fitted by his society: he is, moreover, a D 3 52 BATH. miller: but as Sandy is not the sort for grmding^ he makes but a poor hand of it. Transplanted to a richer soil, Mr. Try might thrive prodigiously; but the Scot can take his kail and his haggis without mushroom sauce; and neither his eye nor his palate is to be dazzled or crammed. But away with accommodation bills^ et •etera, and to our main plot. BATH. 53 CHAPTER IV. Les jours se suiyent, mais ne se resemblent point. Days like to.day as long as time can last, Yet different far the present from the pas^ London was to Glen Eagle a iriste souvaiir. He had there been happy in the society of one who was all the world to him. The scene of rendezvous, the hour of meeting, the impassioned billet laid on his breakfast table, the lover s walks, the park, the opera, and the play — ail, and every one, brought heart-rend- ing reminiscences to his mind. Even the distractions and dissipation which used to consume his nights, and waste his days, were now insupportable. Be- D 3 54 BATH. sides, he had not Tom Shuffleton, that king of dissipation, v/ho used to be the companion of his excesses. It was not to be borne ; so he sojourned but two nights in the capital, and posted with all possible celerity to Bath. Arrived, his first visit was to the pump-room, that panorama of all the characters of Europe, that masqueradish display of loveliness and decrepitude, of vitiated and premature age, of artificial and ill-imitated youth, with here my Lord Padagrus and Alderman Anasarca, there Miss Mimikin about to run away with an officer, and Lady Languish, of half-a-century old, trussed up like a tur- key for the spit, larded with paint and perfumes, and hanging out for an in- trigue, whilst she is regretting how well BATH. 55 the waters agree with her debilitated paralytic spouse. In one place is the pigeon-fancier of fashion, and in another the wife-hunter from the count}' of Roscommon. Here the ruined spendthrift finishing his means, and there a \\Tetched miser eat up with a complication of disorders, and clinging to life like a dro\\Tiing mariner to the wreck. Here a seemingly attentive Low- land Scotch husband walking by the chair of his sickly consort, who has lost the use of her limbs ; and whilst wiping her dewy face with what he called a pocket napek'm, and chafing her blood- less cold hand vAxh his harsh fist, 5ays inwardly to himself: " It wad be a happy release gin she tcere to dee,'' then plies liis otiice again witli " Ma deer, D 4 56 BATH. ye'll be better in awee whily. A ken that the waters hae done ye muckle sarvice." — Bien entendu that Sandys doer has made out the deeds in favour of the survivor, an gin she were to dee, Sandy has his ee upon a hump-backed maiden worth twenty thousand pounds, wha* fell in love wi' him at the meet- ing-house, whar! Sandy seemed to be praying wi' a' his might an main, but was glouring at the back aribreste lassie wi' the lang purse a' the while. Besides these, there were many cha- racters whose portraits we subjoin. DR. TIMELY. Quoth Hudibras, " I smell a rat /" This may be fairly applied to Doctor BATH. 57 T— y, L. L. D. by profession, and Scotu^ by birth. This gentleman can tell better than any body else what a difference there is betwixt the old times and the n£w ; and, being the man of the da^, can give experimental lessons on turning of coct ts, changing sides, and coming round with the wind of interest, and can explain all the secrets of ratting and of political apostacy. In other times, he used to make his appearance at the lakes, and formed one of a learned triumvirate, two parts of which were made up by those able poets, Wordsworth and Coleridge, who then bestowed on him the appellation of the dirty philosopher. Whether to wash off that stain, or not, we cannot decide ; but he one day dropped his Jacobinical D 5 5S fcATH. bonnet rouge and his friends together* and, abluting in the lakes, came clean- handed to town, v. ith a weathercock on his head, and ultra-royahsm on his tongue. It is supposed, however, that he is no longer clean-handed, and that, although he has completely changed his doctrines, his friendships, and his prin- ciples, yet he has strictly adhered to those habits which gained him the name of the dirty philosopher. It cannot, however, be denied, that he is a very able conductor of a , and no bad pilot, since he has shewn such admirable dexterity and celerity in putting about his political bark ; but it would be very difficult to persuade his readers of the purit}^, disinterested- ness, and sincerity of his opinions and BATH, 59 sentiments, knowing, as doubtless they do, how different his views were whilst amongst the lake scenery. If chancre of opinion can thus depend on change of place, it may at last come to vary, even with the change of a gui- nea, and be no longer received as current, but by placemen, or the monied interest of the country-, whilst no rehance can then be reposed in men out of place, for fear they get in, nor of men in place, lest thev get out. \Miat a srood chance ha\ e the disciples of such politicians and the readers of such of forming a just opinion, and of coming at the truth ! MAJOR TIPTOF. Major Tiptop was once a charscter of no small notorietv in town. After a verv 60 BATH* liberal education at Eton, and at Trinity College, Cambridge, he made his debut in the regiment of Life Guards, to which corps he was tor seven years ad- jutant. During that period, he render- ed much service to the regiment, made it a pattern one ; and on that occasion got the nick-name of the tip-top adjutant. Singularity in dress was the cir- cumstance which, we believe, first brought him into notice ; and it has been asserted by his friends, that the love of notoriety more than affectation or pup- pyism, induced him to adopt his style in that respect. A short waist, a crop like a pigeon, which the Prussian troops are very famous for, and a very small pigeon tail to the coat, thrown so far back as to discover a full rear view of BATH, 61 the person, were the leading character- istics of his dress. Not wholly absorbed by the occupation of a Martinette^ and being a very good scholar, he dedicated a part of his time to the pen; and, at an early period of life, published letters from , which were not without merit. He then be- took himself to prologue and epilogue writing ; and he did write some admi- rable ones ; but envy, ever ready to de- tract from merit, suggested to some one, to whom the captain's back settlements being too much in view had given of- fence, the following squib : *' The captain is a funny dog, A Tery dab at epilogue; Helps brother dunce at play or farce ; I wish he wonld'nt shew his ^ But leave oiF these fantastic whims, And co?er up his clumsy limbs. 62 BATH. The next aiFair of note in hi? life was his liaison with the then lovely Mrs. W , on whose account, that is to say, with the view of providing for whom, he commenced his undertaking of a newspaper, and he accordingly published the World — thus literally proving that *^ love first created the world." This paper was inferior to none in point of merit, fashion, or circulation ; and al- though the icorld is as much taken in as ever in the newspaper^ and in every other line, yet very few papers have rivalled the world in sale and in sallies of wit. As incipient love gave rise to the ^^ world"^ so did disappointed love occasion its fall ; for, by the estrangement of intellect of this very interesting actress, after a bad recovery from an accouchement, he lost BATH. 63 the sweets of Cowslip's * society, and all spur to proceed with this arduous but lucrative concern, and left the gay world and the avocation of author for retirement and a country life. Messrs. M y, S n, J -11, and A s, were constant contri- butors to the major s fashionable Paper^ as also Mrs. C y, Mrs. R .— n, and some very interesting among many female hands. With most of these, as also with R s and Captain B n B- w, whose loss we shall ever regret as a scholar and a polished gentleman, he was in great habits of intimacy ; but his more parti-> cular arm companions were M — — s, ♦ Cowslip was Mrs. W~«-.'s fayourite and most celebrated character. 64 BATH. P r A s,* known by the name of Gunpowder A .s^ and a Comet M d: the former was an author, and the latter s chief merit was (we beheve) being Captain Tiptop's comet. In the wilds of Yorkshire, Major Tiptop is an active magistrate, and a practical farmer. His principal field amusement is coursing, in which diver- sion he has also obtained notoriety, ha- ♦ Messrs. T , A , and M- were seen so constantly and inseparably together at the festive board and elsewhere, that they got the names of the " Knife, Fork, and Spoon." The Knife we should allot to the major, for the sharpness of his wit ; the Fork to Mr. A >, on account of the point which some of his pro- ductions evinced; and the Spoon to the jolly cornet, for any reason which may suggest itself to the reader. BATH, 60 ving the best breed of greyhounds per- haps in Europe, namely, that of the famous S 11. His cabinet occu- pation is, we are informed, the compila- tion of a History of his own Life. If the major candidly publishes the varied scenes of life which he has witnessed, and of which he may say, '^ Quorum pars magni fid^^ the publication will teem with fun, frolic, and many a merry tale, and will probably not circulate less extensively and rapidly than that public print of his which contained the ver}" cream of all fashionable affairs. COLONEL LOSEILLE. What a hop€'^\ thing it is to go to the Cape! much more, of course, to 66 BATH. double it. These voyages prove to la- dies complete voyages of discovert/ ; and it is to be hoped that they will prove to their husbands voyages of oh- servation. Colonel Loseille has brought Cape practices to light in a most emi- nent degree. What a fine opening to the Hottentots for moral improvement ! What a rare example of what is to be expected from age^ experience, and a military situation of trust ; v/here a staff officer, in providing for an arriving officer of inferior rank, can, in furnish- ing quarters for him, and in looking after his interest and comfort, biliel himself on a wife's fidelity, undermine the fabric and habitation of his quiet and honour, and give him a pass to seek for a solace for his dishonour and misery afterwards ! BATH. 67 Colonel Loseille^ by being an elderly gentleman of tranquil and moral babits, is tbe last man to be suspected, and of course the most dangerous in these do- mestic interferences, these alienations of affection, virtue, and morality, by the encouragement which successful and triumphant vice offers in the way of example, and by the false security which profligate age assumes in the sight of prying and vicious inexperi- ence. The youth in the army has been long watched with anxious eye by the military benedict ; but thfe man of years will in future be the object of mistrust. How much the colonel has shewn himself a cool veteran in matters of se- duction ; and how interesting, credita- ble, and flattering, must his correspond- 68 BATH. ence be to Colonel S ^ to whom he delegates so respectable a charge^ on whose discrimination and ability he so implicitly relies, to whose friendship he adds such a charm as secrecy, accommo- dation, delicacy, and gallant service ! How time improves every thing ! The colonel's observations would be unat- tractive, if they were not tempered by experience, long service, gilded by an established moral character, and perfect- ed by veteran coolness, and a combina- tion of flattering prospects for young married men entering the army. We despair not, after this, of seeing Cupid entirely out of fashion, and of some grandfather being set up as the ^od of love, with all the wisdom of an Apollo, the craft of a Mercury, and BATH. 69 the gravity of a Saturn, making love by regular approaches, studied siege, and calculated operations ; in which case the game will be up with the young, the blooming, and unsuspecting; and a man's conquests in gallantry, may, like his army rank, depend upon his long services, his influence, or the trust committed to him. DR. GULL. r An itinerant quack, travelling through France, informed his auditors that he lived w/?ow simples. And so does Doc- tor G ; but one cannot blame a man if he can persuade the if .crant that he can cure all diseases with one remedy, that he can grind old women 70 BATH. young, and make old gentlemen lively and friskyj for pocketing ihi affront of being called empiric, mountebank, and Doctor et cetera et cetera. This contemptible announces that he has discovered a which is to invigorate the debilitated, to give fecundity to the decayed fair sex, tone to the nerves, elasticity to the system, and regenerated health to the aged and declining. He further in- forms them^ that pure gold is one of the component parts ; but that ingre- dient the doctc . puts iu his pocket in- stead of his pill, or rather in his • So florid an advertisement, and so much promise must naturally produce much interest; and he has for many yctirs played upon public credulity to BATH. 71 the tune of many thousands, with which he keeps his carriage, has built house, and given to young G an expensive education. There is one very great advantage in his medicine ; for a man may take physic and take snuff at the same time, which, when a man is put to a pinch, must be a double benefit ; and as the doctor s pockets are filled with that ar- ticle, and his person covered therewith, he can amalgamate it with the other valuable compounds which enter into this powerful nostrum. The doctors written compositions are not quite so delicate as the — ; but the little Jew is well aware that the interest which they create, the informa- tion they convey, and the desire which 72 BATH. they promote of making use of his re- medies, bring still more money than the drug itself^ though set off by such numerous cures performed. At the demise of his late wife, he becanie anxious to administer his ■ to a strapping cook maid who had served him for many years, and the dose operated most felicitously ; the doctors flame was so ardent that cookey could not resist it ; it was out of the frying-'pan into the jive ; so Mrs. Cook was transferred out of the kitchen into the doctors carriage, and now has the honour to belong to the tribe of-. We must conclude by observing, that the Guide to is a very dan- gerous child's guide : it has often guided an innocent patient first into not a very innocent place ; and thence has guided him into the doctors hands. It has taught some very comical lessons to the youth of both sexes, while the elderly gentlemen who have been misguided by the doctor, have, after many fruitless trials of the sovereign remedy, with views better imagined than described, found in the very language of Solomon, That all is Tanity and vexation of spirit. MR. TRY-ALL. Mr. T- , the lecturer, whose principles have been so widely disse- minated, who has excited so much jealousy and suspicion, and whose lec- tures were at one time received with so VOL. I, K 74 BATH. much avidity, but who is now growing out of fashion even with the hyper re- pubhcans, is a man of low origin, hum- ble education, vascilating in principles, and political opinions. He rose from a silkworm, we mean silk mercer, in the purlieus of Covent Garden. He was taught and beat, of both of which he complains, by a day- school Jiaybuttomist^ Mr. D- , in H — - — t Street, Covent Garden. He was removed to another arguer a posle^ riori, in that genteel place St. Maitin s Lane ; and from thence took his first elevation at Highgaie Hill, Here, he says, he was an idle boy * for " he lost his time," and he had nothing else to lose ; but he became ambitious, and he directed his views to BATH. 7B Jtiistorical painting, which \m father destined him for. These same times were, however, narrowed by circum- scribed circumstances, and narrower- hearted relations ; and, from the canvas of painters he canvassed for a situation, not as 2i scene painter, but as a painter 'of scenes in hfe, commonly called an actor. Mr. C , however, did not think so highly of him ; and he brushed him off his list. Thus was young T '§ desire of being heard, for the first time, checked. He next taok a measure f^ below his former ideas ; and literally took mea- sures, and overcast button-holes on a tailor's shop-board. Here, strange to tell^! he read plays whilst he seated breeches ; and fell in love with the E 2 76 BATH. Iliad whilst heating his goose ! Versati-. lity being his constant habit, he changed his mind whilst turning a coat, and told his master that his trade was not Jit for him. Here Snip, like Mr. C , informed him that he could do without him ; and Mr, T. was allowed to de- part. He once more turned his mind to ' drawing pictures; and waited on Mr. West, who had no use for his talents, and advised him to withdraw. The tailor still sticking to his skirts, he directed his mind from a suit of clothes to a suit in Chancery, and he thought that the bar would be benefitted by his exertions. Three years and a half of unprofitable studies convinced him to the contraiy ; and he left the BATH. 77 iaw^ as he had left school^ grumbling and disappointed. No effort was made to retain him in his attorney's office ; and the law went on^ as the making and mending trade^ the colouring and varnishing, the acting and silk mer- cery, did, perfectly well without citizen T . He now thought of clothing his sen- timents in a nexc dress ; for the shop- board was never out of his head, and he turned poet ; and from poet he turned politician : a great stretch — a strong measure ; but which suited him best (he thought), and he talked largely, and leant at first to ministry ; but ministry, again, did vastly well without him ; and being no object to that party, he tamed agan. E 3 BATH. He now thought that seats in parlia-^ ment lasted too long^ and that the con- stitution wanted mending ; that royal prerogative should be taken in, and po- pular freedom should be let out. This circumstance johied him to the friends of the people ; and he gave his political lectures in that respectable place the Borough, where a row was kicked up, and citizen T 's lights and candles were extinguished together by police officers. He conducted the ■ ' ■ for fourteen days, and was dismissed from that office, it being allowed that the paper has gone on better since the proprietors cut the connection as speedily as the police- officers cut the thread of his discourse in the Borough. BATH. 79 He then became an itinerant preacher of poHtics ; and he sowed dissension amongst the people; he then turned farmer, and sowed oats ; but neither thrived. The politics of the coun- try and the landed interest derived no benefit from his toils, any more than the tailor did when he read and sewed on his shopboard. Lastly, Mr. T. gives lectures on elo- cution ; but here, it would be natural to suppose^ that his versatility, and want of application, must render his subjects as uninteresting as his remarks are thread-bare. If his measures as a tailor ^ his colouring as a painter^ his attempts as an actor, his studies as a lawyer, his declamations as a politician , and his jiournies as an itinerant, have uniformly E 4 80 BATH, failed, what is to be expected from his eloquence ? — useless measures, over-high colouring, overacting, law quirksy change ing politics, and vagabond principles ! MISS TRIGGER. What an escape has a certain captain of the Guards had in not entering into the holy state of matrimony with this lady ! A warlike wife is what few men would wish to venture on; and this modern Bellona has shewn such a dis- position for combat, that there is little doubt but that he would have been over-matched had an alliance taken place betwixt them;, and had he iniisted under her banner as her knight of the lance, he would not have had it all hi3 <>wn way ; for his fair bride would have BATH. 81 / <;laimed pre-eminence as the lady of the trigger, Th^ fact is, that the lady's reported large fortune was the captain s mark; and the match wenis off when superior beauty entered the lists. It is not ge- nerally known, but not less true, that the high spirit of Miss T. akoa little alarmed the beau miUtairc; and that, previous to his taking so decided a step as to provoke his rival to single combat, he did not discover any thing so soft and feminine as a wife elect should have. It is only astonishing that she did not prefer calling out her inconstant^ who could, merely from the impression of one night at a ball, so suddenly change his mind. Young men must in future be cautious w^hom they propose e5 82 BATH. to, or even whom they pay marked attentions to, for fear of being challenged by the object of their admiration, in case their love is not strong enough to decide them on entering into a- matrimo- nial engagement. It has long been a custom, in the counties of Galway and Roscommon, fbra brother or father, who was anxious to get his sister or his daughter oif, to watch the attentions of a single man, generally of fortune j and to ask if his marked civilities were of a serious na^ ture, as he could not have his dear sister or daughter s affections tampered with, nor her reputation injured by such conduct.: In the event of tfie party's not being uxoriously inclined, a challenge is the choice offered; so that 3ATH. 83 a man^ for merely dancing with a young lady, and saying a few polite things to her, may be provided with a ball part* ner of another description the next day; and for engaging a lady to dance two dances running, may be engaged in a duel, by which limb or life may be lost. The Lavaterian study will become now more necessary than ever; nay^ Cranlology will be requisite in the choice of a wife, or even c f a flirt ; and if there be much fire and decision in the countenance, or, above all, if she have the organ of destructiveness very marked on her cranium ^ let the lover beware— he is not safe. N. B. For the county Galway and Roscommon practices, the late Sir Jo 84 BATH. L and Lord E * could vouch: they, however, got handsome and gay wives, which sweetened co- ercion in a great measure. The former county, since the affair of Mrs. B., will be the terror of lovers and of hus- bands. MR. PROMISSORY, We have long and often heard of chjecls of love; now-a-days they are OBJECTS indeed, one party generally being old and ugly. Our matrons, with large families, are all going to the devil with beardless boys; while grey~, bearded sexagenaires are attacking the youthful misses of boarding-schools, or eloping with their young pupils, their BATH. 85 neighbours' or relations' daughters, who are left with them as confidentially and unsuspectingly, as their guardians or parents would leave them by the fire- side in the society of an invalid pointer or a grisly-whiskered tabby tom-cat. Cousins have long been found dan- gerous inmates^ and have cozened their relations out of their honours and repu- tations; but now uncles are becoming very unsafe; nay, grandfathers and grandmothers are not much to be de- pended on. Cupid, it would seem, is a little tinged with Buonaparteism, and has made himself a self-elected empe- ror, instead of a simple sovereign, as in days of yore; and to gratify his am- bition, and glut his desire of conquest with victims of every kind, he has S6 BATH. raised a love conscripiiony in which nei- ther age nor sex is spared. Mr. P ought never to forgive the tyrant for pitching upon him for one of his light troops, and for making him so ridiculous by the loose Jish which he presented (probably an cw- hlem of his love) to his sweetheart's papa!!! Was it a maid! or a^carfj! a gudgeon or a crab? alas! we forget; but all was fish which came to papa^s dish) and perchance to miss's also; likewise we ought to have said, for the fair angler^ who thus got a nibble in the line of matrimony, seems t© have been pretty crafty, though not very nice in what might have beea caught in her n t. Her brothtr sports- man, was no bad hand neither at throw- BATH. 87 ing the rod, and catching something hy kuok or by crook. But poor Mr.P '• what a tiolLr! what a trout tickler/ what dipoor bail/ 2l pretty Mayfly/ Poor gentleman! how mad he must be, to pay three hundred pounds sterUng in hard cash for a nibble Hi Little did he, honest country gentle- man, think, when he was going to-rairr/, and giving holland shifts or linen gowns, (we forget which) that* he was on the road to a court of law, and that ^ frock or petticoat would stcdl into a suit^ with 2i.tr inuidttg of damages, SLnd, dsubUd with exposure and defeat. The plain (ver}' much so) country' gentleman, whom we know, and whom we never should have suspected of any thing fur- ther than chucking a chamber- maid im^ 88 BATH. der the chin, or of slipping a half-crown into a pretty barmaid's hand, with a sly - leer^ expressive temporis acti! What an exposure! our heart bleeds for him. But we cannot quite acquit the fair suitress, whose suit has prevailed in oiie court, although thrown out in another.. There was something very taking, very sly, in all this: she was not merely Jishing for compliments, nor was poor p merely paying compliments; for he was dealing in metal more attrac- tive, as he has since found to his cost, although his lawyer, doubtless, has a high respect for him. Whilst this honest gentleman is, doubtless, '^ Sitting like Patience in a punt, smiling at grief," (such is the angler s fate often, who loses his time BATH. 59 and his fish together) there are two pieces of advice which we beg to offer him. The one is what the French say of an aged lover — we do not exactly mean the very old animal , who^ like the horse^ has no longer the mark in his mouthy being perhaps wholly toothless^ but of the green navghty old man, that looks wicked at the maidens : the saying is as follows: — TJn vielliard fait quatre fois plus de folie en amour, quun jeune homme^ parce qu^il n^a pas de terns d perdre; — the second is, what he will hear every day in the street, and which may prevent him from driving on in this foolish way — it is no more thsin Gently^ Jervy! go BATH. MRS. KN£LLY. Intriguiesy elopements^ and crim. consv are now become of all ages and of all classes of life^ and may be looked for now as generally in the bourgeois of eighteen, as in the varnished countess of eight-and-twenty. Mrs, Knelly, for instance, married to her true love against the consent of relations and friends, (which always renders the thing more interesting to the lady) on^ a journey too, where her husband was to be en- rolled amongst the seisers, (though not the Caezars) begins a contraband trade with a travelling money^deater^ i. e. one who dealt his brethren's money to him- self, and, taking leave of old customs and custom-house men, elopes with the ncquaintance of n few hoi^Sy and the companion of s. few miles. This he? adopted partner too, although in humble hfe, was quite up to the mode and style of run-away matches; for he ordered a chaise-and-four, for this second elopement, whereas a stage* coach sufficed for h'ls^rsi escape. The paramour (Mr. ) though yi^ builder by trade, seems to have built his hopes on but a p®or foundation, and, by this 2Lmorous plan, has brought an old house upon his back. The fair fugitive, at the same time, had better w*t have meddled with brick and mortar, as it seems that she ha^ not got a husband • ^?7/t€r way; and that* she stands a great chance of being discarded with disgrace by the one, and of raising t/ie other far above 92 BATH. his hopes at the commencement of the short courtship; for he doubtless would have escaped from the hands of justice had he not fallen into the arms of love, and would have safely arrived in the United States, there to join so many of his worthy countr}Tiien thus escaped, and so many excellent descendants of felonious extraction, settled and identi- fied with that land of freedom (where all make free one way or another), had he not contemplated another united state, which has turned out rather infe- licitously. We apprehend that Mr. gen- teely returning Mr. K his piece of goods untouched and undamaged will not produce the desired effect; but it is a fine precedent for future transac- BATH. 93 tions of this nature; as Mrs. Knelly, so highly accomplished, and only eighteen, and of quiet and rural habits in the re- tired to\\Ti of S , is a rare example for the women of Kent, who may, in time, show as much county spirit as the men of Murcia formerly did of boldness and intrepidity on far different occasions. MR. CRAZY. Kere is another poet of the lakesl and another apostate! a man of infinite genius, but in whose brain tliere must be many cobwebs, which disfigure the other valuable furniture, and create the same sort of confusion, which we often behold in slovenly and disorderly au- thors, whose books, manuscripts, maps. 94 BATH. globes, letters, snuff, pipe and tobacco, are all mixed up together, and covered with the spider s web from one end to the other. In his outset in the journey of life, when his head was clearest (mind we do ntjt say quite clear), he was enel)ri- ated wiib. the Godwinean system: that very able, but erroneous author, had captivated his mind, as he did those of many others ; and his state of perfection and government of equality appeared so fixed in his heart and imagination, that the poet proposed setting out with a knot of juvenile hot-headed philanthro- pists, for the deserts of Africa or Ame- rica, to realise those broad views of liberty .and equality; views which carry a young man or woman a great way^ BATH. 95 iiavinsc nothing circumscribed or con- fined in them— no more limits to action than to thought, an expanded heart and micontrolled spirit — a perfect common possession, and unrestrained participa- tion in the good things of nature, and of man's common inheritance— the globe. Wkh these extensive views and unre- strained ideas, it was not to be expected that this worthy would afterwards ser- monize. But there must be somefhirg ver\- changeable in the climate of the lakes, since so many who have sojourn- ed among its romantic and diversified scenery have changed tlieir views, va- ried the scene, veered about with every wind that blows, and. after beins: ro- mantically independent, have siiffered gS BATH* themselves to be carried down the stream of power^ and to ebb and flow in their principles with the tide of interest. Accordingly, this poetical apostate pretended that rhyme must give way to reason, and that the poetic lyre is best attuned to the tune of so much per annum, in the shape of place, pension, newspaper, present, or patronage, and always most in tune when it accords with ministerial notes. He next gives a lift to the Courier, rats, like his neighbours in high life, and writes confiised homilies, which, so far from treating mankind in the pot-luck style of the equality of his former years, he classifies for the diiferent orders— pa* tricians or statesmen, and higher ranks^ the middle class or bourgeois, and the BATH. 97 plebeians his quondam fpiends, brethren and equals^ but whom now, by an im- proved code, he has kicked out of his fa- mily as weak brothers, or, perhaps, upon the aristocratical system of sacred rioht and legitimacy. \ In the days of his piimitive simpli- city and wordy benevolence, he was de- voted to the muses,, to philosopliy, to metaphysics, and to friendship; and, yielding to these studies and feelings, he named one of his sons H and the other B . But now how changed! He goes about with '' The Statesman's Manual" in his pocket, and a quantity of brandy in his he?.d, (for man needs spirituous as well as 5pn'itual comfort to keep his devotion warm). His philosophy he has changed v/ith the VOL. I. F 98 BATH. notes of his lyre^ or perhaps with the change of a note of Henn^ Hase's; his friendship he has accommodated to his poUtics, and his devotion to the muses depends^ hke his sermonizing devotion, on circumstances, pohtics, party and brandy, the latter of which gives the only spirit which now appears in him— muddy, obscure, dubious, confused, bloated and debilitated as he at pre- sent is. But how can a man expect to stand who has no fixed and firm principle to support him; or how can a muse trip lightly through the mazes of fancy, obnubilated with achohol, and afflict- ed with podagra? We may, therefore, expect some very curious feet in his next metre. MAJOft DEXAGOGUZ. Major D » has ooe Toy Ingjh qualirr, wUch sets him at the head oi the refivmiits: it is thai of fitenflf faaiii^ giuim gii!^ io the sarioc uc has another^ which is that of Aan^ed his note (we do not bank noce, but a ittiicfa leas ooaaDodE^) for these chirtr vears, dar- ing which period he has, fike a poD- parrot in a cage, bawied out hoUlf , andil^, and widi eqml sameoesi^ Be- Ibrm! Reform! Be£xm! For As ex- citioQ of hmgs, marednnof he has gained the asai ^ nid^-name of the Nestor of It does not seem to he qmie Y^hat reform the major wsnts, or whr^ F 2 100 ^ BATH. * ther no form at all would not suit his views best; for he has never altered his virulence against ministers, his popular denunciations of bribery and corrup- tion, of pluralists and sinecurists, of fat clergymen, ^nd overgrown benefices, the weight of taxes, the public burthens, and all the concatenation of miseries which democrats detail to the unfortu- nate mob, since that experimental revo- lution in France, so admired by the major, and which has done so much for the happiness of that infatuated and deluded nation. If, therefore, he be of the same opinion as he was when he held out the same language, it is natural to suppose that the same scenes and the same results ace not hostile to his poli- tical views. BATH. 101 But the fact is, that the desire de par^i ler, the love of being heard^ the ambi- tion for popularity, and the delight of grumbling and complaining, are enjoy- ments too essential to these characters to allow them ever to be satisfied with any form of government^ or to believe that it can exist in perfection without the aid of their improving, pruning, or even levelling hand. Did John Bull know^ with what composure the major, the baronet demagogue, and the orator who hunt& for scrapes and adventures, retire from the populous meetings, how they glory in seeing John Bull discon- tented and rebellious, and how coolly they drink their wine without lending a hand to lighten the poor devils in the way of public charity or private bene- f3 102 BATH. volence^ a great deal of that popular and lanmerited consequence would be lost. However, the man who suffers is thus deluded, and is nearly as well pleased with him who tells him his miseries as he would be with him who should relieve them, but should preach pa- tience, obedience to the laws, subordi- nation and temperance, These last in- gredients mix up very unpalatably in a Palace-yard meeting; where intempe- rance, rising remonstrance, and strong measures, both of gin and politics, form the order of the day; and the pot-luck which the mob expects to get at this patriotic ordinary. A Frenchman, who was present at one of these meetings, made a very just re- mark on the major, with which we shall BATH. 103 conclude. Being asked by a democratic countryman, long settled in London, N*est ce pas qnil parte fort bien ? His answer ^as-p-iVo/i, mais it parle bien fori. MRS. DELAUNY. This is another striking example of the felicities of matrimony; of the de- lightftd perspective which a young bene^ diet enjoys, with reasonable hope of realization, when he marries a senti- mental young lady for love, and when he domesticates and rusticates in the romantic retirements of lake, sea-coast, or mountain scenery in the wilds of Scotland, or in the picturesque tran- quillity of Cambria's cliffs. How loveljr F 4 104 BATHi it is to contemplate the sea-beaten shore^ to overhang the abrupt precipice^ to mark the distant mountain lost in bluish tint in the golden horizon at departing day; but^ above all, to wander quite unseen, by the pale moon-light, to be- hold the crescent (happy omen for a. husband!) towering above the jealous cloud, and shining in refulgence over the wedded pair! What a happy mo- ment to make vows, by that changeful planet, and to keep them in degrees commensurate with her increase, pleni- tude, declension, and obscurity! faith- ful pictures of faithless woman s love!!! This is a further proof of the fashion into which elderly gentlemen have crept, from the ignorance, stupidity, infidelity, and false security of z/oww^er gentlemen. BATB. 1€5 But what is most edifying is^ the effect of NOVELS on the female mind; of those novels which, departing from real life^ from that salutary principle of painting virtue as triumphant, and vice as ever bearing its own punishment in its breast^ gilds eiTors, glosses vices, varnishes illicit passions, and embellishes ami- able failings in such a way as to make virtue constraintive and vice commodi- ous, morality straight-laced, and volup- tuousness bursting through* the golden zone of inviting enchantments; " Mrs. D—' had seen enough of long walks, and sombre ' retirement, of domestic economy, and of frugal meals; of regular hours, and still more regular habits^ of the lawn, and the landscape, of the husband and of the fire- F 5 106 BATH. side ; and she was left to muse on these tame enjoyments, these monotonous lectures, and these repeated samenesses rof wedded life She longed to deviate from the beaten path, from the vulgar walk of every married pair; and in her listlessness. Captain . , a middle- aged, well-bred gentleman, who had kept good company, and who knew the worlds stepped in, lent her novels, and accomplished the tottering self-devoted conquest of her honour. When elderly gentlemen lodge with sentimental wives who read novels, and whose fond partners are absent, then husbands beware ; and if a pimple ap pear on your forehead, touch it not too much, for fear that the inflammation may ri5^. i BATH, 107 MR. LECTURE, Here is an examiner^ who it is fair to examine in our turn. We are indebted to him for the round , which is considered by many more hke a round robin. The morahty of its sentiments^ and its display of principle, are not, however, exactly like the Examiner himself; nor do we suppose that he hunted them up from his brother editor; but to sat/ is one thing, and to do is another. This gentleman accord- ingly has a strange method of dissemi» naiing morality, and of propagatiiig his principles. With this end in view, whilst visiting his friends C and W at the Cumberland lakes, his extended vi^sfor 108 BATH. the interest of the repubhc induced him i^propagate something which was more material and substantial than his argu- ments are in general, and which furnish- ed, a solid incontrovertible proof of his popularity; but which, however, though destined for the benefit of the rising generation, and perhaps with the object of making him known- to posterity, un- fortunately gave offence to the >- _, deprived his friends of his com- pany, and caused him to retreat over the mountains one morning; thus taking French leave, producing a blank, in s€k ciety, and. leaving the Lady of the Lake to lament the Knight of the Round Table, as also the night or clay on which tliey became acquainted. With equal purity of mind and pa^ RATH. log triotie principle, this Examiner goes down to the office Bacchi plenus, and,« convinced that in vino Veritas, sits down and dashes off the most florid but in- temperate pohtical doctrines, thinking,' perhaps, that he who is a friend to the publican must also be a friend to^th© repiiblieaUy whose interest he has at heart; This will fully account for the spirited writing of this Jacobinical paper, for the fervid flow of popular oratory^ for the unsteady ill-balcaiced- opinions contained therein, and for his seeing double the calamities of the people. What a fine state! and what a proper time is this- for talking of the excesses of ministers, of the injury of the consti-* tution, of the vices of the. age, . of the wise and sober measures to be adopted^ 110 BATH. and of the general necessity for re- trenchment and reform. Full of the subject, and of the liquor imbibed, and pleased with the liberty of the press, this free-thinking patriot returns home, persuaded that John Bull will swallow all his rhetoric. He then examines his cellar with partial eye also, and double* his political views by an additional bot- tle; thus drowning his own cares and those of the people at the same time. What a rare conductor of the judge- ment of the people! what a clear and perspicuous foresight he must have! how implicitly may the nation depend on his support! — Rather ought we not to say that this is indeed — the blind leading the blind. BATH. Ill CAPTAIN C— , A gay young reprobate from twenty to twenty-five, is now no longer dan- gerous; nor does the blaze of houses and of equipages, or of splendid presents and a profusion of gold, dazzle the eyes or seduce the mind of the soft and sen- timental erring fair. These butterflies only buz about the middle-aged declin- ing dames, or purchase hearts by the weight of gold or gems. These army rattles, or unfledged college birds, are very jnuch avoided and dreaded by the cauti- ous, but not less amorous frail one. Their want of mind and indiscretion alarms the warm sensitive female ; and all their conquests are confined to sun-flower beauties^ milliners^ and di'ess-makers, long established^ young ladies of the child-bed linen warehouse^ or in the fancy hne, which is not always the line of prudence^ or to their sisters governesses^ or to maiden aunts' waiting, women. Elderly gentlemen who have seen foreign parts, and who know what's what, who understand how to treat a woman, and to respect her situation, — these are the Philanders of the day — ■ these tlie grave bearers-oif of the prize in gallantry. The poorer these se- ducers are, often, the more welcome to the fanciful and pensive mistress. The half-pay^ for instance, is a fine list, to tak^ a quiet, attentive, safe, and assi- duous lover from. Such paramours are less prone to stray than brain- BATH> 113 less boys and extravagant noblemen, who can get every thing by the purse, and qui ne se refuseut ritn. Such amphi- trions in general prepare the feast, and make the bed of roses for their frugal rivals. Paddy, whose powers and whose joro- 7mses exceed almost any man s,- is* now going out of vogue, being mostly con- fined to the dowager train, where there is ^ all for love, and a little for tKc fet^ tie;" whilst northern Sandy is coming into fashion apace, because he is vara discreet, and a church -going man, which is a thick veil for intrigue now-a- days. He will never go astray from the lady who bestows her hand on another and her heart on him; because, first of all, he is. vara grateful for favours re-' 114 BATH. ceived, and next (strongest reason of all) these wanderings of the heart are^ like the travelling of the body, vara ex- pensive^ and subjec to mauny accidents. Besides, Sandy includes a little cupboard love in the detail of his sentiments. Nothing can be a more undeniable proof of the truth of this statement than the trials of Mrs. K and Mrs. D — . In both instances the lovers were nice^ attentive falherhj men. ivirs* D too preferred the half-pay cap- tain C n to her husband, whose nick -name was the Turk ! ! ! But then^ ^^ dearest Johnny^ was so hum-drum, such a sameness in him, and he had no taste for novels, whereas the bold captain read nothing else ; and he was a walking romance of sentiment, which BATH. 115 IS perfectly irresistible to tender and changing wives. We have heard lately of a gentleman of seventy being tried for a ! We know a baronet of sixty-five who has his twenty-fifth mistress and a very young family, vegetating with him in the shade of altered fortune, not to count three wives whom he has been lucky enough to see out; and we also know a sister-in-law who has flown from a young husband to the protection of a sexaginaire lord, her brother-in-law. When, how- ever, this is called seduction on the part of the male, we must receive th« charge cum grano salts. Il6 BATH. MR. DORMITOR. The Fleet and King's Bench are tlow become places of most fashionable re- sort; and the term ruler is now as com- mon and as creditable as that of go- vernor, or even as the consular dignity^ Mr. G., who was always fond of fashion- able life, has, in consequence, taken up his abode in the former, after vapouring a little while on the French coast: — but there is no whitewashing there. More- over, his fat rib was too weighty a mat- ter to give up. An honourable Mrs.- . is a great addition to a man s consequence^ and, indeed, we do not know any title which Mr. D. would have to be a man of fashion, but for having been a member BATH. 117 of the four-horse ciub, and for the no- toriety of his kind and Hberal wife, who is not a bit the worse in the husband's eye for having been previously divorced for crini. con. What though the good lady chose to cut her first husband! surely that is nothing where there is cut and come again in such matrimonial and substantial fare as she exhibits. Then to have a lord for a brother-in- law is something to be considered. It was idly proposed to subject emigrants from Great Britain to an absentee tax: this was proposed on a very erroneous calculation; for tradesmen actually gain by the absence of many of their cus- tomers, as there is a diminution of tick^ and a future, distant, and uncertain hope of payment arising from their absence, 118 BATH. which. a return and an insolvent acb would overturn for ever. Upon this principle Mr. D 's creditors would, doubtless, give him a pass, but he has preferred closing with them in another way. The prisons of France are now full of baronets and commoners from England, who long were a credit to their country, but who find no mercy from French tradesmen; par example, the antiattrition baronet, and a certain titled Greek scho- lar, bear testimony of the truth hereof; and Mr. D. might well be frightened out of a year s growth, when he looked round him and saw the fate of his coun-7 trymen; for it is an undeniable truth, that he who has been extravagant at home will never be prudent abroad; so BATH. 115 that the only way of escaping a French prison, with an unhmited term of con- finement, is voluntarily to submit to limited abridgment of liberty at home. Wherefore Mr. D. has shewn both judgment and taste in coming back to friends, out of whose books he will never be, and of flying to the arms of his faith- fill folio of a wife, who must be a great comfort to him under his present cir- cumstances. MRS. GOLDFINCH. Every day something encouraging and consoling, respecting the marriage state, occurs. We have crim. cons, in the peerage; crim. cons, in army and navy, — indeed, scarcely a crim. con. 120 BATH. takes place without the assistance of the - one and the other: crim. cons, on the turf; crim. cons, in the landholders of the country-, the county of Galway to . wit; and crim. cons, in the monied in- terest of tlie countn', Mr. Goldfinch and Jack B to wit. We have also (going lower) tailors* sons, (one of the dufis) japanners' sons, (a face of clay) distillers, gentlemen of good 2Lnd bad hues, leaders and drlTcrs of all sorts of trades, in short, trade, profession, agriculture, banker, army, YiBW. and peerage, all partake of the taste of the times; — and how matches merease and multiply with ever>' fiiil moon we are at a loss to guess. In the case of Mrs. G we find €:ver\' sacred tie unloosed: but Jack BATH. 121 B ■, the amateor, cctdd, if fee would, have nated that Mr^. G. was a Qotorioos flirt, and gmerally had two militaiT supporters in her public j»->- menades. one perhaps only in her pri- rate ones. Canterbury tales are so little credited, that it is not a wonda- that Lcmdooers were surprifed at this a&ir; but the good folks of Canterbury are not so in the least; nor should the banker^ with all the jHX)5y eloquence of his counsel^ be so much surprised either. It is unfortunate ior the ns«nal knight, tliat siaim should attach to a noble pro- fession, to a man who has desored weD of his country, and to one who now may be said to camr his blushing h(HK>urs to 'he grave. Hie red ribband is beze, un- VOL. I. « 122 BATH. luckily, too figurative; and what under the rose needed concealment might have passed unblushingly in the order of the garter; but, Honi soit qui mal y pense^ an exposure would make Graces, Most Honourables, and Right Honourables look very blue, who see all things at present en couleur de rose, A very useful hint to take is, the agency of sisters, the family concerns of houses, and ever to beware of " my gentle coz/' Mrs. C — knows a thing or two also; and the junta against the bank is not quite charitable. Poor Mrs. G ! she was too much in the banking system. Force of habit, poor good lady! the cO' partnership , the common concern, \he joint interest of the house, the accepting plan promoting the BATH. 123 circulation accommodation notes , gene- ral credit, et cetera, et cetera, have set the poor lady all wrong. Then Jack B against her! et tu Brute! and her husband, who let her flirt with the army, coming it so severely upon the navy, and in 2i family transaction ! Mrs. C so starched, and Mrs. S so malignant! what could withstand such weight of metal ? ~~ In spite of all flowery pleadings ; in «pite of all Canterbury tales, it must be allowed that the K. C. B. should have stood out to sea, and not have run upon the rocks as he has done. Upon the whole, K. C. B. is as much to be pitied as the B . G 2 124 BATH. MR. BLITHE. It is uncommonly interesting to the two Universities, and particularly to that of Oxford, to know this liandi/ fellow,— to be informed that the bliss-full family, to which this proud tradesman belongs, is more ancient than the S 's, and probably, according to the booksel- ler's account, than the Bourbons and the Guelphs ; and it is equally necessary to learn, that if a man be only a Mont- morency, a Percy, or a Howard, the Tender of paper may take him to book^ ^ and assert his pre-eminence, so as to jus- tify and enforce any charge which he may please to make to his inferiors, i. e. to his customers. Men of letters, who from misfortune. BATK. 125 or mistake^ may enter his shop, must keep the letter of the lew in view, else Mr. B may assert la lot dit plus forty or, in other words, might against right. It is quite new, we must allow, to be sent from a stationer s or book- seller's shop to read the History of England, in order to ascertain whether the man who you fancy has overcharged you for a hundred of pens, or a quire of pap8i% is of such a noble stock that his honour may be as good as his oath, and that ergo^ no man must gain- say respecting his correctness, or his ipse dixit. The testimony of a stamp receipt being thus invahdated is equally novel both in law a.id in equity ; but it has had the advantage of stamping Mr, B -'s G 3 126 BATH. character^ and of opening the eyes of customers, although he seemed to wish to close those of Mr. S , who, from not being like the bookseller, a veteran in the pugilistic art, appeared a fit sub- ject to palm the antiquity of his name upon, and to blind as to the state of his account. This however was not a true bill ; and probably if Mr. B was to publish his family history, it might in the same manner not be a true story. Should, however, this self-ennobled ambitious man, by any mistake, or ac- cident, or by an address, (more than he has presented in the present case) come to be knighted, he will not want arms or supporters, since his own ap- pear strong enough to support him BATH. 127 through right and wrong, and even are powerful enough to produce a counter- revolution in the trade. As, however, he may not be provided with a motto suited to the dignity of his house, and sufficiently explana- tory of his name, we would suggest the following, which would furnish what the French call des armes par^ lantts : — it is briefly this : ** Where ignorance is bliss, 'tis folly to bs wise.*' At the same time, should he shut up his shop, and set up for gentleman, he ought to avoid one part of the pugilis- tic art, namely, fibbing; and if he thinks that fool's-cap would suit his dignity as a crest, the cap doubtless will fit him, and — he may wear it. G 4 128 BAT^. MRS. B- In this case of criminal conversation^ there are shades which we do not find in the (almost daily) cases which come to public view. We see on the part of the paramour a systematic seduction^ and a long series of very imprudent - and ill-concealed attentions^ which seem* ed to have for view the accomplish - ment of the seducer's wishes^ and the establishment of his triumph^ without any regard to the observing eye, the whispered tale, or the pointed -4jnger of obs'^r^ation and detraction. A man of feeling, in the wanderings of his heart and mind) nay even in the gratiiication and indulgence of his pen.'- ^hant and passion^ i§ regardful of de- BATH. 129 cortim and public opinion ; arid he en- deavours to make the object of his choice stand' as high in society as she is tower- ing and omnipotent in his affections: but such is not the conduct of the cold and selfish seducer, whose gratification is self- enjoyment, whose supremest satisfaction^ very often is publicity, if unaccompa- nied by legal damages—that winked at notoriety, which leaves no doUbt of the status quo of the lady's feelings, and of her lord's disgrace, but still has not ar- rived at such an unconditional exposure as to involve the frail fair in ruin, and her guilty paramour in expense ; and it is on this rock that vice and vanity, en- twined in one embrace, in general are wrecked, for vanity outstrips passion^ and exposure is the consequence* G 5 130 BATH. A good-natured man^ could feel for poor lost^ penitent Mrs. B— — , un- faithful to her first mate, unsatisfied, and unsafe with her adopted one. We also lament to see the daughters of the clergy strumming on piano-fortes, and accompanying themselves, doubtless, in Anacreon Moore^s airs, until they draw the libertine to their side, whose warm and wanton breath fans the flame, which music, poetry, fancy, human frailty and romance, have so powerfully lit up in their system. Mr. C will here have a salutary lesson, as to what mar- ried ladies he takes into his house upon a short acquaintance; and will, it is to be hoped, learn from the consumption of the ale and supper viands the extent of his guest's appetites. This subject iJATH. 131 is very interesting to country gentlemen in general, and to the clergy in particu- lar, as there may not be that security ordinarily felt by mankind, that these gentlemen's children are trained up in the way they should go. It is impossible to dismiss this subject without high reprobation of the namby pamby Mr. L., who left the social circle to betray a friend, and who could unblush- ingly temporize and negociate with the man whom he had dishonoured. His tame letters to his victim are farther proofs of his baseness ; and although it is a long lane which has no turn, yet no hope can be entertained of any tuxn to- ward good in this maukish, tepid, and self-sufficient seducer. The law, it Iv32 BATK. seems, is to have its course ;.aad we congratulate the injured husband^ and the ^jshale- boned seduc' arising to himianity of holding up Mr. E as an example_5 there is another bearing in the cause most useful to be contem- plated by defenceless, improtected wo- man. It is that (according to Serjeant V 's plan) an injured woman now be^pmes like a horse, or an ass, or z piece of household stuff ; and the viola- tion of the laws of honour towards her has accordingly its price, in propor- tion to her age, appearance, and attrac- tions. A very handsome woman, for instance, might expect that the man to whom she owed her ruin might offer her four guineas for her accouchement. BATH. 141 ind ^ve shillings per week for seven years, prorided. alwap, tkat she went through the exposure of swearing her child, and that there were a Irnng eri- dence of a motho-'s weakness and of a father s tufpitude. It would- however, be impossible to have an idea of this without reading the speech made on the occasion, which will require no comment. COLONEL M" Here is a milituire^ who has appeared too late upon the scene, and who has mistaken his emplover, and the nature of his service. The predatory plan, the war of aggression, and this prorisionaliy seizing of persons, and destroying of 142 BATH. property, would admirably have suited the ex-emperor Napoladron (as the Spaniards nick-named him). This in- vasion of territory, and this secret and prompt execution of military plans, are worthy of the warlike deeds and days, and of the temper of mind and policy of that tyrant. Had Colonel M served under him, and performed these coups de main, dividing the plunder (as the co- lonel did) to his troops, he would ine- vitably have been created a Marechal de V Empire y and might have been made Grand Duke of Rio Pongas—a very well sounding title, fit enough to go with a Bellunc, &c. and have been orna- mented with a star of the legion of ho- nour, and the order of the iron crown. J BATH. 143 which the incarceration of his victim would have richly merited. The plea of performing these achiev- ments in the cause of freedom was also a fine cowp de politique a la Buonaparte ; for it was not unfrequent for him to in- vade territories^ to desolate countries, and to destroy propert}'^, for the purpose of delivering them from a foreign yoke, for ameliorating the situation of the people, for rescuing them from the reign of superstition and en'or, and for ex- pelling English produce or influence from their shores. Such pretexts were by no means fo- reign from the colonel's motives, as stated in justification of his unprovoked inroad ; and accordingly the defenders of liberty who composed the expedition 144 BATH. used the freedom (very properly) to re- munerate themselves for their toil, and to bear av ay the spoils which their ser- vices in the cause cf humanity so justly claimed, and which were awarded to them by their gallant governor, who sent them out with their v>^ell-judged orders and instructions. Unluckily, however, for Colonel M , this French imperial system is quite misunderstood and reprobated in England. The soldiers sword, in Great Britain, is likewise the sword of justice ; valour meets with laurels and high reward from this nation ; but ra- pine and plunder are never recom- pensed, under whatever pretence they exist. Whilst the fairly won campaign conducts to the most exalted dignities. RATH. 145 injustice and inhumanity are surren- dered up to the law^ and the most retri - butive examples are invariably made of the authors thereof; and a private indi- vidual will meet with as much attention and fair play at a legal tribunal^ as if he were arch-secretary, or arch-chancellor of the empire^ or Scipio Africanm re- generated. MRS. K. This lady's is a very simple case. The air of Kent did not agree with her^ and she changed it accordingly. She fancied Sorrel as suited to her ap- petite, and she made trial of it accord- ingly. The rank of her husband was not on a par with a colonel, nor were VOL. I. H 146 BATHf. his cavalry honours so high as those of the staff, which she joined in conse- quence. She wished to place her hus- band on the retired list, and to be pro- moted herself to another corps, confer- ing on the former the order of the cres- cent, as a reward for his faithful ser- vices. Mrs. K — was the daughter of an officer of high rank ; and it was fair that she should rise in her profession : besides, an elderly gentleman is so re- spectable. These things are very com- mon in high life ; and Mrs. K doubtless did not expect to see herself gazetted in the manner which she has been. Surely she could trust a gentle- man who could write so discreetly as the colonel, with so much feeling, tant BATS. 14f de menagemenf, as a French lady would call it; but, as Sterne says, " they manage these matters far better in France." The chief inconsistency is Mrs. K — 's having married for love, and the circum- stance of the children ; but in extenua- tion of the first, it may be observed that young ladies fancy themselves in love ; and then they marry and find that they are not in love ; and then, poor things ! they go abroad, and find that they really are in love. Change of air has a great eft'ect upon ladies, and their husbands are very apt to be inattentive ; v/hereas governors and generals, aides de camp, and acting staff officers, are so apt to be attentive. Then there is so much freedom H 2 148 BATH. abroad. Now, for instance, the colonel was as domesticated as if he had been caie of the family. Habit and famili- arity are so dangerous ! It is fifty to one if the worthy, sentimental, corres- ponding colonel would have taken a liberty with the wife of a stranger ; but his happiness quite depended on his friend's wife, from habit, and other re- fined associations unknown to vulgar beings. This case furnishes a strong lesson for subalterns going on foreign service, with how much precaution they should act as to accepting favours from high military characters ; how they may depend on brother officers, particularly superior in rank and age ; how comfortably they can admit them to an intimacy in their BATir. 1 49 family, to protect their wives, and to be godfathers to their children ! Many a subaltern will, on this occasion, rub his forehead, and look round, and re- flect under whose command^ or attached to whose staff he may have been. But above all, we caution him, in taking out a young wife in the army, to be- ware of touching at Silly Island, and to think well of the danger of doubling Cape Horn ! ! ! We must now proceed with the Duke's personal adventures. He had not been long at Bath ere he met with the en- chanting Duchess Dowager of Beauvais. She, like his Grace, had retreated to Bath, to drown painful remembrance; for she too had lost her love ; but he H 3 1 50 BATH. was living. She had bestowed her easy heart on one who had ill requited her partiality — who shared her affections, then eno-ao'ed himself to another, whose love^ in a v/ord^ was fickle, faithless, and false, which she feelingly described by- To sigh yet feel no paio, To weep yet scarce know wliy, To sport an hour with beauty's chain, Then throw it idly by ; To kneel at many a shrine, Yet lay the heart on none, To think all other charms divine But those we just have won — This, this is love, careless love, Such as kindleth hearts that rove. Since Lord ^ had deserted her Grace, she had travelled from place to place, flying from herself; but all to no purpose. She, moreover, had the BATH. 151 mortification of frequently meeting with him and his happier bride, who, how- ever, she had the consolation to discover was daily growing less and less felicit- ous; who, she kindly and charitably hoped, might in time be as miserable as herself; and who, she said in her rage, she had no doubt would repay his faithlessness to her, by conjugal infide- lity, and make his head and heart feel what her s had felt. — Her Grace might have added, had caused to feel also. Jealousy is a natural ingredient of excessive love: extreme admiration must always engender extreme apprehension and alarm : men of impetuous tempers are invariably jealous when they love, and prove the words of the poet to be true. H 4 lo3 BATB. BmitUai sMmt b force mm eatniK, £t raae b fhs Bfc, ea ces oc casiwtj ^^^ ^^B^ :■ i__i J -nrryr JL^ — -a— - Wcaoens' jealoosy is sdll more ex- cessive. iBore n^ovcmed^ and less just; fcr be they Bmhliil or unfahhiiil, food or indi&reiit. coDnected or xmconnected with the object of their ambition or de- SECy, their jeakitis^ is iMiit:oet's motto — '' Crede Biron ;" yet the duke thought it fitted him : the lines were elegant and pathe- tic, which then suited the temper of hif mind ; and they moreover offered a beau- tiful apolog\' for his conduct, which we in general are ven^ expert at finding for VOL. k I 1 70 BATH. ourselves. He was therefore so self-sa- tisfied, that he gloried in his passion, and lauded himself for his laudable con- cealment of it. He became now more cheerful, more contented ; took additional pains with his person ; and instead of neglecting himself, he dressed three times a-day ; instead of laying in bed till dusk, he rose at a moderate hour ; instead of smoking away thought, or poring over a book for hours, he took air and exercise, and enjoyed something like an active life, which made him conceive that love had given him fresh health, hesh strength, new life; whereas he really owed the change to temperance, and an alteration of hours and bad habits, all which arose from no merit of tlie Duke's, but from BATH. 171 suiting his present purpose ; in a word, his mind was occupied, and thence came the improvement. During these law proceedings, the son of Mars was not neuter. His amusements had also taken another turn, and he had, at a dinner party, met with a person of great fascination, a beaute piquant e^ a lively brunette, one with a quick eye, and well versed in the talent de piaire. His wife was a far more beautiful woman, but then she was his wife; she was fair, lovely, tranquil, lauginssante, dignified, and attractive; whereas his new fancy was dark, spor- tive, impetuous, artful, and fascinating ; the very contrast produced a novelty ; and novelty to a man of gallantly and pleasure is every thing ! He conse- I 2 172 BATH. quently fancied that he saw still more charms than really existed ; and, what was more, he perceived that he had made some impression on the belle bru- nette. This heightened the picture, and gave an indescribable interest to the adventure, not to be estimated, not to be resisted, past calculation, and past declining. Lord P possesses manly beauty, is finely made, tall of stature, imposing and martial in appearance, his features regular, with nn air noUe, tinged by a look of rakishness, of confidence amongst women, a sort of summary a la militaire, which speaks in his eyes, and says to a forlorn, a languid, a fanci- ful or vascillating belle, rendezvous! This exactly suited Lady Charlotte Wil- BATH. 1/3 lingfair; for her worthy and indulgent husband was quite the reverse ; and then the novelty of the contrast had its effect. Mr. W was only an af- fectionate husband, a tender father, and a good sort of man. Now the word good sort of man is quite frightful in high life ; and we know a certain Lady Betty who refused a worthy lord merely because he was a mightif good sort of vian; adding, that he was infinitely too good for her. Poor lady, she has paid for her taste since by wedding a hand- some, volatile, pleasurable lord, whose gallantry after marriage has cost her many a heart-ache — but nimporte; Lady C 's taste was decidedly for a handsome gay soldier, instead of for a well-looking, grave family man. i3 174 BATH. Whilst the Duke and Lady P were sentimentahzino^ on the Downs, Lord P and Lady Charlotte were enjoying the lone path^ the romantie drive, the verdant wander, the varie- gated garden, and became prominent characters in the scandalous chronicle of Bath, — nothing moved at that, except to laughter, they continued to pride themselves on. their notoriet}\ The gravity of Mr. W t^ffected not his tender wife ; nor did Lady P 's gentle but pointed remarks derange her lord in the least. On the contrary, Lady C derived tri- umph from giving uneasiness to Lady P ; and her lord thought all these little accompaniments added a zest to his enjoyment. BATH. 175 One day, however, his loving wife broke out into the tone of remonstrance. It was not on her own account that she spoke, but on account of what the world migrht sav ; it was that he, mv lord, might look as respectable as pos- sible in the public eye ; it was for fear mamma might be made uneasy by busy bodies ; nay, it was because it would give offence to Lord Oldbridge, my lord's father, with whom she was proud to say she had always stood well ; it was even unhandsome to the poor de- serted duchess (a pretty hint) ; finally, it \>as on ever\^ account but hers ; and it was meant for his good, although not to intrude upon his amusements, nor to control his actions. I 4 17^ BATH. Xord P knew how to put on a proud and petrifying look — a very useful thing for peccant husbands : it offers a ready mode of cutting an argument short ; it shuts the door to extensive and prolonged inquiry, and saves con- tradictions, inconsistencies and untruths. My lord had that commanding air, and it was felt by her ; he could look Come colei ch' a tutto il mondo a s'dc2[na, E non le par ohValcun sia de lei degno ; AKIOSTO, and he did so, leaving the room, and adding, that indeed he did hope that she would not interfere with his engage- ments, nor attempt to control his ac- tions ; and that, as for the world, he very liberally ^aid : '^ D the world!" BATH. 177 a most comprehensive sente7ice^ a most universal remark. But he who proves too much proves nothing at all ; and thus did his lordship's anathematising mean nothing. In the mean while^ Lady G 's partner was not without his share of disquietude; and ventured one da3^, after a triste t^te-a-t^te dinner, to observe that he had no selfish feeling in what he was going to observe, but solely her respectability and good at heart ; that people (interrupted by a sham laugh and the word nonsense !), that people would talk ; that a wife and mother could not be too circumspect; that Caesars wife (interrupted again by what stuff!) should not even be suspected ; (trash !) that he was all confidence ; (to be sure^ and I 5 1/8 BATH. why not r) but that Lord P. was a very gay man (this was an unfortunate re- mark^ for it placed him upon a pinnacle^ whilst it threw himself in the back ground) ; and lastly, that he wished her to be little (a very little would do) less giddy. It w as well it was no worse. Lady Charlotte called in tears to her aid (powerful partisans in conjugal dis- putes) ; said that she was ill used : that she did not merit this ; that she defied the world to find a more affec- tionate mother — '^granted/' said Mr. W. — " a better — " here she could not speak for a second or two — " wife/* added Mr. W. " Granted; but then—" " Sir, ril have no but thens ; I'll not be suspected fornothing,'' '• Now, my dear," BATIf. 179 exclaimed Mr. W. quite penitent, *' I won t be ill-used for trifles." " Certainly not," said the fond husband. " This comes of marryin^^ one so dissimilar in taste." '' Not at all," intruded Mr. W. — *' of being too ^ood a wife." " By no means, lovey!" said her spouse. "We never agree about any thing now^^ added she. " I never can please you^ said Mr. W. " Fiddle te dee'' said niv ladv. '' Sit down, preUi/r rejoined the hus- band. '' No, not I," said my lady. '' Our tastes and opinions differ in every thing, Sir," said she: "now, you ought to read Corneille's play of I* Illusion,''' concluded she ; so, taking the book up, and leaving the intended page for quo- tation open before him, she wiped off three niggard tears, and flounced out of 180 BATH. the room. He calmly took out his glass and read as follows : *' Nous donnons bien souvent des divers noms aux choses ; Des epines pour moi, vous les nommez dcs roses; Ce que tous apelez service, affection, Je Tapele supplice^t persecution," et cetera. There was something in this which he neither understood nor liked ; but h« had not time to consider it : he felt hurt at having given her pain, and flew up to her dressing-room, to gain reconcilia- tion, and to set her mind at ease. '^ No, Sir," said she ; " I am just going to dress, and to meet your rival, as you are pleased to call him (how provoking) : the pump-room shall have something to talk of: people are not a bit the better treated for being too easyT " No, in- deed," interrupted her fond spouse. ^^ B« BATH. 181 calm, deary: dont let all this flutter you : now^ sweetheart, only say you won t go to the play, and I'll never give you a moment's pain again." " Oh ! yes, I must go to the play : I must meet this dangerous man." " Now, don't you, darling." This, with many more suavities of expression, blandishments, promises, and consoling words, produced a victory, as the husband thought, for him, by her relinquishing her plan of going to the play — which, gentle reader, she never meant to do, not being so engaged, and Lord P. being one of a large party fif- teen miles off. Nevertheless, the good Mr. W. retired to rest with more than usual comfort and composure. Cupid is represented with a bandeau before 182 BATH. his eyes, signifying that love is blind to rank and fortune, to interest and safety ; that he spares, now-a-days, neither age nor sex, nor condition, nor grave jwo- fession; that he sets light heels and gouty toes equally in motion, in flying, running, or hobbling after beauty ; that he steals into the antiquated dowager s bed, and sets her a dreaming of the days of her youth ; nay, even creeps into the pulpit, and, tickling the fat rector v^ith' a feather of his wing, sets his imagina- tion in full gallop after a ruddy pa- rishioner, and makes him forget his ser- mon, his vocation, his age, and family, substituting in his mind a petticoat to his gown, and the desire of a cambric tucker to the laudable ambition for lawn sleeves. BATH. 183 In the same manner does modern Hy- men, wear (or at least he used to wear) an impenetrable veil, composed of obli- vion, security, secrecy, and sleep, to guard him against the daily disclosures which turn the nuptial couch from a bed of roses into one of thorns ; happy in- deed are those spouses whose dearies are content with planting thorns around their pillow ! the point will grow blunt in time, and will lose its acuteness and as- perity^; but there are other plants whieh grow so fast on the connubial soil^ that they spring up like weeds on a moun- tain, and disfigure the very face of nature, '' The Tcry head &nd front of her offending." Othello, How different is the wedded state to 184 BATH. the primeval account which poets and other flattering authors give us of it ! With thought meeting thought, and will prevent* ing will. TuoMPSON. Married meetings are now of a far dif- ferent complexion; and although there is certainly will enough on both sides, yet the preventions, or preventatives, or even the prevenances y are not to be found upon the poet's plan. In a word, we find love and justice blind, and we may add hy- men to the trio. ** Dulcere est decipere in loco,** would be no bad Epithalamic motto no w- a-days : the practice is general, although the precept has not yet dared to creep into the sacred ceremony. And never had man more need of the bandeau BATH. 185 d' amour than the placid Mr. W. had on this occasion. The Duke had stayed later than usual with Lady P. ; and some little degree of flutter was occasioned by that, not from a sense of guilt, but from a sense of pro- priety. Lord P., however, came home still later than usual, very tipsey and uncommonly good-humoured ; so that the one circumstance balanced the other: and this couple was more pleased with each other on this occasion, and more tranquil and mutually complaisant than they had been for many weeks. How fleeting and uncertain is felicity ! Of what equivocal form and existence, and on what whimsical circumstances does matrimonial happiness oftentimes de- pend! CeUbataires, beware: your change 186 BATH. of condition rests upon slippery grotind : the temple of hymen is a fragile abode : matrimony is a glassy substance. The caprices of women are innu- merable. Lady Charlotte was sitting at breakfast ; her husband was un- commonly attentive to her; her little children caressed her and hung upon her knee ; she repaid their endearments with many a fond word and kiss : a sud- den thought entered her head^ for she was qui^k in every thing : she again kissed her pretty young ones^ and then seating herself most kindly and confi- , dentially by her husband, proposed leav- ihg Bath. She urged the propriety of it from the sensible remarks which he had yesterday made ; and she observed that he must be a better judge of the BATH. 18f world than herself: she might have been unwittingly^ unwarily guilty of le- Tity, and she w as sorry for it : home was the best place for the mother of a family ; she also had been too hasty in what she had said to him, and a fool for trying to make him jealous : her heart upbraided lier for doing so ; but she had paid dearly for it, for she had not slept ^11 night, (not true) and she was restless and feverish (true enough). Bath did not agree with her ; and she had rather take the dear children home. She then took Mr. W. by the hand, and pressing it kindly, said, ^^ Dear, let us be oft' to-morrow." " Willingly," said he ; and every thing was prepared for their departure. Mr. W. was now the happiest of husbands : he had a treasure 18S Bath. of a wife : she might be indiscreet, but she was sterling as to chastity; thought- less perhaps for a moment, but full of integrity, and easily recalled ; flighty, but Jirm in her duty. He considered himself as a husband of a thousand ; and so he was, but he knew it not. Every thing was prepared for a departure. He paid her ladyship's bills without an observation — this was a fine coup for my lady. A dress-maker s account was alarming: it was discharged without a murmur ; nay, the bearer was called my dear, and he seemed quite pleased to draw his purse-strings in so good a cause. Lord P. called; not at home— better and better. The travelling carriage arrived— she looked grave ; she had the head-ache, and she was pitied BATH. 189 for that; nay, esteemed the more. They enter the vehicle : the husband's heart dances with joy, her s felt a struggle ; but, ^^ tell the boys to drive fast, and ril pay them accordingly," ended the matter. And ye stern moralists, ye severe cen- sors of female conduct, ye inquisitorial judges of women's errors, be not too rigid in your principles, too harsh in your decision. When poor Lady Char- lotte said all these kind and proper things, she felt them : her children's smiles were bitterest upbraidings ; her husband's mildness and endurance cut her to the heart : she was resolved on good ; but there came an after thought; and she was but a piece of fragile, though well-turned clay; her bosom was 190 BATH. no rock, her heart no piece of silex; nay, even had it been of that obdurate sub- stance, percussion might have raised a spark! and a spark can at all times kindle a Jiame : she had forgotten all but her duty for a while, but ^' She had not quite forgot herself to stone/' BATH. 191 CHAPTER IV. Et fugit ad salices, sed se cupit ante vidcre. Virgil. The letter which Lady Charlotte left behind her for Lord P. had a double ob- ject in view; for whilst it announced to him her departure and her resolution of flying from his presence, it at the same time informed him that she was miserable, and unfolded to him, in the warmest terms, the extent of her attach- ment; and thus she had an opportunity of trying the strength of his flame. Her letter had the desired effect; for after throwing him tor a moment into confu- sion, he resolved to follow her; and stating 192 BATH. to his lady that he had just received im- . portant despatches from London, he or- dered his clothes to be packed up, and set off for town accordingly. This not a little deranged the Duke's platonic and sentimental evenings ; but he, after remaining three days behind his lordship and Lady P., found that the waters disagreed with him, and that it was necessary for him to consult a physician in London; so, writing to his old associate, Tom Shuffleton, to meet him there, he started by night, and tra- velled as usual until he reached Mount- Eagle House in London. Arrived there, how different was the scene to the antique castle in the north. Here, indeed, match-lock guns, bat- tle-axes, cross-bows and boar-spears^ BATH. 193 were to be seen in the halls. There were here also antique staircases of oak wood ; and the battles of the great Duke John were painted on the wall* of the hall and staircases. There were likewise full many a grim-looking duke and marquis of his house^ in enormous black perriwigs hanging down in ringlets over their shoulders^ and others in the more modern (yet ancient enough) ramilie; some clad in glittering mail, some with leathern jerkins, and others in the garb of old Gaul. There were ladyes in flow* ing robes and grotesque head-dresses; some in the cumberous hoop and stiff brocade, with parrots on their fingers, or a rose in their hand, or a prayer- book, or the Whole duly of Man, or perhaps a fantastical fan. The mew VOJL. I>. K 194 BATH. were some of them equipped for war, and others for the hghter sports of the chace. There was one family picture contain- ing seventeen personages, including a black boy and running footman. In it were also, fa'iihjulhj drawn, favourite spaniels of King Charles's breed, rough highland greyhounds, his Grace's Shet- land pony, and my lady Mary's pet monkey, not to forget turtle doves, cum mulm aliis. The duke's grand- father had the plan of a campaign in his hand, whilst the present Duke was leading a wooden horse by a green rib- band. How picturesque! It was how- ever contrived as a chef d'oeuvre, al- though from the leading features of the patriarchal looking couple, who formed BATH. 195 the most prominent figures in the piece, and from the pairs of divers birds and beasts, it seemed more like a represen- tation of the inhabitants of the ark than a modern picture. This one, among many others, was destined for the liammer. There were also costly tapestry from the Gobelin web, and fine crimson da- mask furniture ; but they were all hang- ing in reproachful rags ; and the wood- work was within a week of going for what it would fetch for fire- wood. These were of course but gloomy pic- tures. Moreover, except the super- annuated porter, all were strangers here: flippant London laquais*, interested and pilfering grooms, loose and careless hand- maids. There were no faithful vassals, K 2 196 BATH. brave highlanders, and firm clansmen here. AH was new-fangled, greedy^ discontented ; robbers within doors, and dmis without; visiting lawyers and in- truding mortgagees. From a prospect so grievous his Grace sought relief by the mirthful society of his chum, Tom Shuffleton, for whom he had written to the north; and en attend* ant his arrival, the Duke delivered him- self from constant importunity, by late lying in bed, and by starting from his door at three -parts speed for his morning ride, at four P. M.; dining at taverns and coffee-houses, and coming home when labourers were rising to their daily task. He had long been without hear- ing from her who held his heart in BATH. 197 bondage, and he felt the want of her society: he felt that the only happy state of existence is When to another the fond breast Each thought for ever gives; When on another leans for rest, And in another lives. Maria Helejc Williams. And, albeit, though he had felt this for more than one, yet he was perfectly true to the object; perfectly sincere in the sentiment at the time. At length a welcome billet from his advocate in- formed him that he might see her, but not at home, and with still more me- nagemeni than heretofore. He flew to the rendezvous ; when he found that Lady' P. had discovered the attachment existing betwixt her lord K ^ 198 BATH, and Lady Charlotte Willingfair to be of a nature not purely platonic; that he had dropped a most impassioned letter «)Ut of his pockety which she (Lady P.) had secured for her own purposes ; that it was now become necessary to watch them very closely, and to be more than cautious themselves as to their conduct, lest any indiscretion on their patt should serve as a palliation of Lord P.'s guilt. The Duke highly approved of this advice and plan^ and promised to give it his warmest and most zealous aid and co-operation. Tom Shuffleton now arrived, and gave his. Grace a detail of events at the castle, the humours of which were still proceed- ing with unabated gaiety. He announced himself as a benedict, adding that ap- BATH. 199 pearances (he meant appearances of flirtation which might have alarmed friends), made him deem it decorous to marry; and as a very beauteous bride had fallen to his lot, it was no great matter, hoping, as he did, that love would not fly out of the window when duns came into the door— a loud laugh. Tom now was of great use and advan- tage at Glen Eagle House: he pufled old books and rare manuscripts for sale; polished up the family pictures; soften- ed the hearts of obdurate creditors; humbugged duns; kept a roar of good humour in the house; and set up all night with the Duke, drinking, smoking, and singing, blacking the face of an Italian music-master, eating three sup- pers in a night, and rattling time away K 4 200 BATH. to the tune of a violin^ tenor and base ; with the diversity of letting-oif sky- rockets in the back-yard, in order to puzzle purbHnd astronomers; and springing a rattle unperceived out of the window to keep the gouty feet of the active guardians of the night on a trot. Meanwhile, the servants were sent out to place a rope across the street, or to nail up the neighbouring watch-box, or to lay a train of gunpowder so as to frighten old Cerberus upon his opening his watch-box door. This would have been all frolicsome enough, but, unfortunately, his Grac€ used, previously to his coming in of a morning (i. e. at two or three, when these domestic gambols began) to fre- quent the houses for play at the west BATFT. ' 201 end of the town, those haunts of per- dition, those worse than stews, where avarice and dishonesty lay wait for pro- digahty and candour; where man feeds upon his fellow man ; and where, when once a man gains a habit of going, his honour is placed on a perilous and va&- cilating balance ; where, in a word. On commence par etre dupe Et on finit par etre fripon, - Here did the noble-hearted generous Glen Eagle try his unaltering for- tune amongst noted blacklegs, gazetted scoundrels, with a view to make one coup to amend the dilapidated state of his finances, to meet perhaps some claim on his humanity, or to discharge some debt of honour^ which it would have been honest to his tradesmen never to have 202 BATH. paid; for it was contracted by duplicity^ and was due to the dishonour of the winner. There^ notwithstanding, and in oppo- sition to all advice, would his Grace sit down betwixt lottery office insurance keepers, builders, law attornies, horse- dealers, bankrupts, tarnished gentle- men, and acquitted felons ; and in such company would he stake his last rou- leau, nay, borrow his own money back again of the bankers, to lose a second time to the devouring table, to be placed in the devil's exchequer^ in the rouge et noir chancery, out of which neither principal nor interest ever came, and for the best reason in the world, that the firm wants principle, and it is their interest to keep your money. BATH. 203 To assuage many a heart-ache. Glen Eagle absolutely required such a friend as Tom Shuffleton to put him in good humour with himself; and there was no exhausting the treasures of Tom's fertile and humourous brain. On the subject of duns, when asked by his Grace if they were not a horrid torment, and what was the best means of getting rid of them, he gave the fol- lowing lecture, which was certainly worthy of a professor. " My dear Glen Eagle, many have been the stratagems which I have in- vented and practised in order to rid my- self of these insects, who very foolishly, and contrary to nature, swarm and try to feed upon the leanest instead of the fattest carcases. One device was to 204 BATH. electrify the knocker of my door. This created alarm at firsts but it lost its effi- cacy in a little time, and enraged a Jew so^ that he took a writ out against me. I had a fat creditor, whose patiencft equalled his corpulence ; and ahhough I tried to wear him out by getting into the garret^ and having him up frev quently in order to put him off to a day when I would inform him ivhen to come agniriy and thus trying his wind and his patience at the same time, yet nothing would do. I then let him sit six hours one morning in attendance ; yet up come my man, after a sweet sleep, as placid and. as modestly im- portunate as ever; at length I put a mixture of cobler s wax and other ingredients on my hall bench ; and BATH. 205 my fat friend having as usual fallen asleep in his half day's waiting, and the weather being desperately cold ; and I having purposely had no fire lit in order to discourage my diurnal visitors, old Boniface awoke so benumbed with cold, and finding he could not rise from his seat, bawled out for assistance, and by their long efforts raising himself from the bench, crept home with tears in his eyes, blowing the blue extremities of his fingers, and fancying that he had lost the use of his limbs : this so discou- raged my friend, that I have never seen him since. I used also to strew sternu- tative powder in my passage, and set my greasy rogues sneezing so, that culottes were burst, noses fell a blowing, an(^ many a fellow run away frightened put 206 BATH. of his wits, and of his bill too. I soaped the step of my door also, which made my French perfumer ^fall down so long as he vas (as he termed it) ; and whilst he limped to the apothecary's shop, I made myself scarce for the rest of the day, and so evaded Monsieur La Rose, who was confined at home for a whole month. I knew a fellow who pretended to be out of his mind when a dun was announced, received him in bed, talked incoherent, and frightened his man successfully for some time, but at last a sly annuitant observed that he beKeved he was only out of his mind to pay ; and coming one day, followed by John Doe and Richard Roe, two brothers in law, removed my buck to the Fleet Prison. I believe at last, that the very BATH. 207 best plan is to have a Dunometer^ a thing of my own invention, which sur- passeth a chronometer, a barometer, a thermometer, a photometer, and every thing ending in metres either in prose or verse^ being nothing but a glass so placed as to announce the approach of each visitor, and to enable you either to retreat or to hide yourself from their importunities." This vivacious account produced a mirth-moving effect, and charmed an hour which otherwise might have been overclouded with care. For it was the Duke's practice, in all the glooms and disappointments of life, to look to his friend for a lift to lighten his load of melancholy ; and he never sought this relief in vain. Very often, indeed, on his return from the ruinous fleecing 208 BATH. shops, he used to change his mien, wash his head in cold water, call for supper, and, as the knights of the whip say, *^ carry on, governor — all right !" till the next day was mortgaged in the book of time, and then he rose in the evening for a rendezvous with his fair friend, and took his morning ride by lamp light. The amour of Lord P- was all this time proceeding with various fate, but with continued publicity. Lady Charlotte had moments of abandon^ and hours of reserve, scenes of bound- less affection, and vigils of gnawing re- morse, days of good resolution, and weeks of broken vows, and moments of broad mirth, and others of mingled anger and capriciousness ; but yet it might have been said of her that she BATH. 20^ kept her lover constantly on the alert. This constant state of hopes and fears, of doubts and dismay, of love pro- fessions and of bitter reproaches, was, however, too much for the nerves of an amorous hard living lover; and he ac- cordingly withdrew to the continent, and there joined his regiment, acting, as he had ever done, nobly for his king and country. But the campaign was short : it was closed by a shorter peace. It just served to make him more in love than ever, and to forswear all the grand pro- jects and magnanimous resolutions of giving up an unfortunate attachment, of restoring a valuable woman to those du- ties which blind and imperious love had induced her to forsake, and of giving to 210 BATH. a worthy husband, whose creduhty was abused, that quietude for which he was so well suited, and which his many virtues, and particularly his conjugal tenderness and unexampled fidelity, so truly merited, of no longer rendering his owTi excellent spouse a prey to mor- tification and despair, and of giving over the heydey of passion and of sen- suality, for the soberer and more lasting enjoyments of self-approbation and respectability. All these, however, vanished at a contending srriile and tear on Lady Charlotte's cheek, displayed on his re- turn ; so that he met his lady with a cold salute and a dissembled smile, and ran his love-race towards the end with winged velocity. BATH. 211 Talking of love^ the Duke about this time received a letter from the incon- solable duchess^ that Didone abando- nata, who was so distractedly and im- mutably attached to a faithless lover^ whose grief and jealousy were inextin- guishable^ who, it was to be supposed, was pining with a green and yellow me- lancholy, wasting in substance daily, and who, like the deserted queen above mentioned^ jamditdum sancio cura Vitlnus alit Tenis, et ceco carpitur igui« Point du tout. — Her Grace's letter was in the best possible style of good spirits : she stated that whilst she knew he would suffer for his infidelity, and that the little dark wretch with whom he was now captivated, v/ould play him 312 BATH. some trick, she was determined no longer to be the dupe of an unmerited attachment, or to throw her heart away upon one so Httle deserving of it; that she had seen her error, &c. &c. — she, however, seemed to be repairing it in a very strange way, for ies on dit, were current that she had two strings TO HER bow, as well as two bows to her string ; and that whilst her son the young duke was taking the diversion of hunting, her Grace had a heau cavalier to talk soft nonsense to her in her boudoir. Amongst the youth of the turf there was one of the gay Foresters, who was not over discreet in concealing her /?fw- chant for him, and he made public a billet-doux, which contained an invita- tion to quit the sports of the field for UATM. 215 her more attractive company, conveyed in the following translation from the Italian. *' Deh ! non seguir Damma fugace," et cetera. *' Follow a noble chase, and spare the deer, Hunted by cruelty, run down by fear. I am thy captive, Sylvio — follow me, Already ta'en, and bound by love to thee," Thif invitation was, as it may be ex- pected, accepted. Nevertheless, the Vau-rien to whom it was addressed, very unlike a preux chevalier, displayed the proof of his conquest to more than one oonfidant:— a hint to elderly ladies how to bestow their fa/ours, and how to trust the written word with faithless swains and indiscreet Adonis's of the present age ; for it was not always »o : 214 BATH. the lover of the anclen regime adored his mistress, the lover of the nouveau res^hne adores himself. Her Grace did not of course confess her peccadillo in her letter to the Duke; but she hinted that she was very gay and very happy ; was convinced that women were too good and too constant in their attachments, and that they only met w ith ingratitude in return : and that she believed women abroad were right who were just as fickle as the men ; and that the saying was quite correct as to modern love, which ex- cuses the flights of fancy, and injuries of wandering love, by saying " Si I'amour porte des ailes N'est cc pas pour voltiger? Her letter concluded by an animated BATH. 215 description of the romantic hunting-seat of her son^ where meandering paths, de- hcious grottos, umbrageous oaks, cool- ing streams, murmuring fountains, re- freshing breezes, and flowery banks, danced in all the imagen,^ of the most florid pen. To this was added an invi- tation to the Duke to join the social party, and to accept a most sincere welcome. It was signed Secundum Grteniy with her Christian name only, and had a postscript, which, according to the custom of many female ^vriters, was three times as long as the letter itself This P. S. contained a request to write to her ©ften, and long neicsj/ let- ters (in ease he could not come do^vn to the lodge) ; to let her know particularly 2l6 BAtri. how the wretch P. was going on ; whe- ther the wife was very gracious ; what flirt the Duke himself had ; whether Tom Shuffleton was married ; how mat- ters went on in the north ; were there any divorces or separations hkely to take place ; what was said of herself; whether he heard her cut up at Bath ; and whether the r^al cause of her de- parture was known or not ; if Mrs, Mildew was as great a gossip as ever ; whether that odious woman Lady Lombard, and her fool of a husband the East-India Director, were still in statu quo ; whether the knowing ones had eased Alderman Indigo and Commodore Capstan of all their loose cash ; who the new member for parliament (who was merely brought into the house by the BATH. 217 pctrty, for the sake of keeping his per- son free from arrest) came on ; if Lord Lavender ever spoke of her ; and whether kindly or not ; and whether Lord Laudanum, who had just found out that the d d tradespeople of England were all poisonous in their way ; and that he could no longer exist in such a land of rascality and bad taste^ had gone to the continent or not. The postscript concluded with a request to pay a milliner s bill^ and to enquire after a sick horse left at a veterinary surgeon s for her. To avoid answering so long a list^ to avoid also advancing the milliner s bill, no money being in the banker s hands, it was resolved to send a short letter down to the North, as if not in answer VOL. I. i, atS SATH, to her s^ and thus to appear to fiave gone down there. But we must say a word about Lord Laudanum. He never was satisfied in one place : London was odious, but for one month at a time ; the country was a diaboHcal sameness;: at bathing places you met with nothing but high winds and bad company ; and at Bath the wind was too low, and you found nothing but sharpers ; then all- trades conspired to ruin your stomach and to destroy your health ; the wine- merchants drenched you with sloe juice^ elder-berries, and blackberries, pressed into a wine vat, and mixed wdth corn, brandy, and bad port; the bakers ground pease, beans, and potatoes, allum, and pulverised stone, into what they called bread ;^^ the brewers poured a whok BATH. 219 apothecary's shop and tobacconist's into their malt Hquor; grocers mixed sand and horrid compounds with their sugary tea was mixed with leaves of British growth, and medicated herbs; butchers fed their cattle upon oil cake, molasses^ and trash ; the cooks poisoned you with fat in their pastry, grease and butter in their sauces ; the doctor was then called in, who reduced you to a skeleton ; and his accomplice the apothecary made you pay for treacle and water, and chalk pills, as much as would keep a good table abroad : in fine, there was no living in England, and France was our only resource, '^ Apropos," said Tom Shuffleton to the Duke, whilst reading the Duchess of Beauvoir s letter to him ; ^* Pray do 220 BATH. tell me a little about the company at Bath ; let \xs know who was there^ and what they were about." " I'll tell you at supper-time/' said Glen Eagle; " but at present I must go to the Park: my world of happiness is there ; she must not of course wait: honour commands my presence, Tom : and *' When a lady's in the case. You know all other things give place." Gat. END OF VOL. I, B. Clarke, Printer, Well Street, London.