$B 249 191
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\VSay It with
Ring W. LardnerA FEW REMARKS
ABOUT WIVES
BY
Ring W. Lardner
Author of
“You Know Me, Al,” “Gullible's Travels”
“The Big Town” etc,
NEW
YORK
GEORGE H. DORAN COMPANYCopyright, 1923,
By George H. Doran Company
COPYRIGHT, 1922,
BY THE CROWELL PUBLISHING COMPANY
SAY IT WITH OIL. II
PRINTED IN THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA^63
L S3.1
Aasus
My y2 of this book
is dedicated to
whoever likes it better
than the other y2
R. w. L.
\
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iSay It with Oil











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«



Say It with Oil
MY Publisher asked me would I
write a book on my impressions
in regards to wives.
“Well,” I says, “I have only got the one
wife, and wile I admit she has made quite
an impression, still and all it seems to me
like you ought to get a hold of a husband
with more experience.”
So he says:
“Yes, I know you have only got one your-
self, but you must be acquainted with a
whole lot of them.”
“I suppose I am,” I said, blushing furi-
ously; “I guess I am personally acquainted
with practally every A-No. i wife around
N. Y. City except Nina Wilcox Putnam.”
The Publisher jumped as if stang by a
bee.
[9]Say It with Oil
“That is almost uncanny you mentioning
her name,” he said. “She is the lady who
has wrote up a story in regards to husbands,
and what I am asking you to write is a kind
of a reply to what she wrote. Because I
would not be loyal to my sex was I to print
her scatheing arrangement of the male
gender and not give no space to our de-
fense.”
“All right,” I said; “but I can’t conduct
no defense without knowing what is the
charges, so before I reply to her story I
would better see it first.”
So he showed me the story, and I read
it, and you can read it for yourselfs as it is
printed elsewheres in this book under the
dainty nom de plume of “Say It With
Bricks,” only I suppose the proof-readers
has kind of fixed it up since I seen it, as it
struck me that the lady in question has stud-
ied husbands at the expense of grammar and
spelling.
[io]Say It with Oil
But before dealing with her story, and
wile still cool, I would like to state the cold
facts which the gen. public is well aware of
same, but for one reason and another don’t
care to confess it even to themselfs. One
fact is that a man defending husbands vs.
wives, or men vs. women has got about as
much chance as a traffic policeman trying
to stop a mad dog by blowing 2 whistles.
Another fact is that, with all the recent
jokeing about give us equal rights and etc.
the wives has got the husbands licked to a
pulp and has had them licked for hundreds
of yrs., and same can be proved by consult-
ing the works of any writer young or old
that touches on the subject.
We will take for inst. the dictionary, and
what does it say about a husband? The
1st. definition is a husbandman, which don’t
mean nothing. The 2d. definition is a
frugal person, an economist. The 3d. defi-
nition is a man who has a wife. In other
[11]Say It with Oil
wds. Mr. Webster realized that his book
wouldn’t have no sale unless it tickled the
women-folks, so before he dast come out and
say that a husband is a man with a wife, he
had to call him a tightwad.
Now what is the definition of a wife?
Well, he says she is the lawful consort of a
man, and it don’t require no Shylock
Holmes to figure out that what he meant
to say, but was scared to say, was, awful
consort.
Back toward the end of the same book
you will run across the wd. uxoricide which
means the murder of a wife by her husband.
But nowheres in the book will you find a
wd. that means the murder of a husband
by a wife. Unless it’s the wd. congratula-
tions.
In this connection it might be well to
point out the fine bunch of equal rights
with which the happy pair embarks on the
matrimonial seas. If either one of them
[12]Say It with Oil
ain’t satisfied with the other, why they have
got equal rights to shoot. But if it’s the
wife that gets bumped off, the husband has
got exclusive rights to a seat in the electric
chair, or strap hanging by his Adam’s apple,
or spending the rest of his life in a bird
cage. If, however, the husband was the
target, why the worst that can happen to
mother is that she will half to poll the jury
with kisses, which can’t be such a hardship
even granting that statistics is accurate and
that io out of every 12 good men and true is
kindly disposed toward eating-tobacco.
But to return to the writers, why you can’t
find more than a couple of them great or
small but what has came out in print or in
speeches before the Rotary Club to the ef-
fect that their success and everybody else’s
was due to their wives or sweethearts.
They know a whole lot better, but don’t
dast say so. The prominent exceptions to
this rule is Francis Bacon and Rudyard
[13]Say It with Oil
Kipling. Mr. Bacon made the remark that
“he that hath wife and children hath given
hostages to fortune, for they are impedi-
ments to great enterprises, either of virtue
or mischief.” And Mr. Kipling wrote one
about a good man married being a good
man marred, and another one to the effect
that he travels the fastest who travels
alone.
Some nerve these two babies had, but
where did it land them? Mr. Bacon is quite
dead and Mr. Kipling wasn’t even invited
to Princess Mary’s wedding.
The writers of the present day has learnt
better than take chances like that, and you
can’t read a story or tend the theatre now
days without getting a fresh sample of log
rolling in favor of the squalling sex. Like
for inst. take the play “To the Ladies”
where Marc Connelly and Geo. Kaufman
has their leading female character say a line
something like “No man that wasn’t mar-
HSay It with Oil
ried ever made a name for himself.” Well
they was a whole lot of us guys in the audi-
ence with our wives, and when the line was
sprang why we just kind of giggled arid
smirked as much as to say “How true that
is.” Where as if we had of dared to be
nasty we would of rose up on our legs and
said “What about H. L. Mencken and Tris
Speaker and Geo. Ade?”
Even the authors of the marriage cere-
mony has woke up to the situation and
agreed to rewrite same and fix themselfs
right with the ladies by leaving out the wd.
obey. This is just another public recogni-
tion of how bad we are licked. As a matter
of fact the obey rule got obsolete along
about the same time as ist. bounce is out.
And another thing the boys is going to
eliminate is the giving of a woman in mar-
riage, because the gals don’t like to have it
even hinted that anybody has got the right
to give them away like they was a cut glass
■Say It with Oil
gold fish bowl or a pen wipper. So instead
of “Who giveth this dame to this guy,” why
from now on they are going to can those
lines and substitute a hymn or anthem which
will probably be some song like Oh, what a
gal was Mary.
So much for Man’s position in the Stand-
ing of the Clubs and the fat chance I or
any other male has got to defend ourself vs.
attacks by Mrs. Putnam or any other mem-
ber of her lodge. But when I undertake to
do a job why I am one of these here he-
blooded Americans that never quits till they
are counted out which can’t possibly hap-
pen till I been in the arena io seconds. In
this case however I expect to last longer
than that for one little reason. The wife
I have got don’t read my stuff. Incidentally
that just about describes her. But any way
the knowledge that she don’t read my stuff
gives me courage to say a few wds. about
wives and what they are that I wouldn’t
■Say It with Oil
dast say if I thought she was going to
read it.
Well then here is some of my idears about
wives as I have studied them at home and
abroad.
Wives is people that thinks you ought to
eat at 8 o’clock, one o’clock, and 7 o’clock.
If you express yourself as having an appe-
tite for turkey at midnight they think you
are crazy.
Wives is people that always wants to go
home when you don’t and vice versa.
Wives is people that ain’t never satisfied
as they are always too fat or too thin. Of
all the wives I ever talked to I never run
acrost one yet that was just right.
Wives is people that thinks 2 ash trays
should ought to be plenty for a 12 rm.
house.
Wives is people that asks you what time
the 12:55 train gets to New York. “At
[17]Say It with Oil
1:37,” you tell them. “How do you know?”
they ask.
Wives is people that sets on the right side
of the front seat in their husband’s costly
motor and when he turns down a street to
the left they tell him he ought to of kept
straight ahead.
They are people that you ask them to go
to a ball game and they act tickled to death.
So along about the 7th. innings you look at
them and they are fast asleep and you re-
mind them with a delicate punch in the ribs
that they are supposed to be excited. “Oh,
yes,” they say. “I love it.” So you ask them
what is the score and they say “St. Louis is
ahead, ain’t they?” “Well,” you say, “I
don’t know if St. Louis is ahead or ain’t
ahead, but the game you are watching is be-
tween Boston and New York.”
That reminds me of one time I took the
little woman (I can’t always remember her
first name) to a game in old Chi and it was
[18]Say It with Oil
Cleveland vs. the White Sox and it was a
close game something like 2 to i in favor of
somebody and along come the 8th. innings,
and Mother, which is how I sometimes
think of her, was sleeping pretty and all of
a sudden they was a big jam down around
1 st. base between a citizen named Tris
Speaker, mentioned before in this article
and now mentioned again, and Chick
Gandil of blessed memory. As they was
taking the shirtless remains of Chick off of
the field I nudged Mamma in the jaw and
said: “Did you see that? It looked to me
like Graney took a wallop at him for good
measure.” “Who is ahead?” says the little
gal.
Wives is people who you make an outlay
of $50, so as they can set somewheres in New
Jersey during the so-called Dempsey-Car-
pentier fight and when it is over, you meet
them and ask them how they liked it and
they say Oh, they was thrilled. “Did you
[19]Say It with Oil
see that last punch?” you ask them. “No,”
they say. “I was watching Irma Gold-
berg.” Who of course is worth watching
even at $50.
They are people who you get invited out
somewheres with them and you ask them if
they think you ought to shave and they say
no, you look all right. But when you get
to wherever you are going they ask every-
body to please forgive Lute as he didn’t
have time to shave.
They are people that kid you because
when the morning paper comes the first
thing you look at is the sporting sheet. You
leave the paper home and buy another one
to read on the way downtown. When you
get home that evening, in trying to make
conversation you remark that it was kind of
sad, the Kaiser’s wife dying in exile. “I
didn’t know she was dead,” says Ma.
“Well,” you tell her, “it was in the morn-
[20]Say It with Oil
ing paper.” “I didn’t notice it,” she says.
“It must of been on the front page.”
They are people that never have nothing
that is fit to wear.
They are people that think when the tele-
phone bell rings it is against the law to not
answer it.
They are people whose watch is always
a °f a hr. off either one way or the other.
But they wouldn’t have no idear what time
it was any way as this daylight savings gets
them all balled up.
The above observations is made without
resentment as I have no complaint vs. wives
in gen. or anybody’s wife in particular.
Personly I get along fine with whatever her
name is and am perfectly satisfied with my
home, which I often call my castle. I also
refer to it sometimes as jail, but only in a
joking way.
But here I am in jail and supposed to be
defending my sex vs. the opponents and as
[21]Say It with Oil
I said before what a fat chance. However
I promised the old boy that I would answer
Mrs. Putnam’s story, and a promise is a
promise especially when you get paid for it.
So will point out in the beginning that
Mrs. Putnam denies all through her story
that it is a story and she certainly hit the
nail on the hammer that time. What it
reads like to me is pure fiction. Like for
inst. she gives you the impression that when-
ever she seen her husbands before she mar-
ried them, they always had on a dress suit.
Well friends I think you will find the fact is
that when a kid is 16 or 17 yrs. of age he
gets a dress suit and by the time he is 19 yrs.
of age he couldn’t get it on with a shoe horn,
and from that age to when he gets married
he don’t have no more dress suit than Rob-
inson Crusoe and he wouldn’t never have no
more dress suit as long as he lived if she
didn’t insist on him joining the Rotarians.
The lady’s complaint is that after being
[22]Say It with Oil
used to him in nothing but dress suits wile
he was doing the alleged courting, why it is
a kind of a blow to see him walking around
the rm. in his shaving uniform with his sus-
penders draped over his hips. In reply to
that will say that the lady shouldn’t ought
to of had no trouble picking out a husband
with something on his hip besides sus-
penders.
Another complaint is how much noise a
husband makes with his tooth brush. Well
if a man is at all musical they’s no instru-
ment he won’t attempt to play on and be-
sides what good is brushing your teeth if
you are going to keep it a secret.
And another complaint is that husbands
prefers toothpicks to any other form of des-
sert. I don’t think this is entirely fair be-
cause they’s some desserts that you get in
hotels and restaurants that a person would
really relish more than a toothpick, whereas
■Say It with Oil
they’s desserts that is served in some private
homes than whom a person would not only
rather have toothpicks but sulphur matches
if necessary.
The lady says it is husbands that is always
delaying the game and when they are told
that dinner is ready, dear, why it is then and
then only that they start to wash their hands
and brush their hair. Our reply to that is
that when the little woman says dinner is
ready you can generally always figure on
anywheres from io minutes to a hr. be-
fore they’s anything on the table but flies.
As for husbands causing the missing of
the first act, judgeing from the most of the
plays I seen lately she should ought to be
grateful for that and if he is even slower
and makes her miss the whole show she
ought to kiss him.
Now then along toward the finish of her
story the lady says something which I will
half to quote as it is such a pretty sentiment
[24]Say It with Oil
namely, “Any complaint you can make
about husbands and marriage would be a
true one. And only one thing about them
(meaning husbands) has got me buffaloed.
Would I be willing to do without them?
And the answer to that is ‘No.’ ”
Well friends it is hard to bear ill will
toward a writer that kind of softens her
tirade with such a neat little compliment
as that and it looks to me like it would be
no more than gentlemanly on my part to
reply to same in kind. For inst.
“Pretty near any complaint you make
about wives, why it is true though they will
probably resent it. But I often ask myself
the question could I get along without
them? And the answer to that is that I got
along without none for twenty-five yrs.
and never felt better in my life. Believe
you me.”
[25]


\
»SAY IT WITH BRICKS
BY NINA WILCOX PUTNAMNINA
WILCOX
PUTNAMUNIVERSITY OF CALIFORNIA LIBRARY
BERKELEY
Return to desk from which borrowed.
This book is DUE on the last date stamped below.
14Dec51CF *1	Received
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JUL211953LU 26Aug’57J'Z REC’0	UtiCfi 3 2 ’go ■ 00 11 pjsar.
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MAR 3 0 1961	
QQT 291966 29	
LD 21-95wJr-llf’50(2877sl6)476#
YB 73822
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* V
V

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Say It with Bricks
Nina Wilcox PutnamI
»


V
PSay It With Bricks
A FEW REMARKS
ABOUT HUSBANDS
BY
Nina JVilcox Putnam
Author of
“Laughter Limited” “West Broadway”
“Tomorrow We Diet” etc.
YORK
GEORGE H. DORAN COMPANYBy George H. Doran Company
COPYRIGHT, 1922,
BY THE CROWELL PUBLISHING COMPANY
SAY IT WITH BRICKS. II
PRINTED IN THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICATo
JOHN M. SIDDALL
Who suggested the idea, I dedicate
my half of this portion book,
With best regards
N. W. P.\
\
\





\Say It with BricksSay It with Bricks
MY Publisher is a nice man, but
he has got a way of asking a
person that they should write
him pieces about impossible things. And
you say why, no, I can’t do that, and then
he will pass some remarks such as oh, shucks
or something, and the next thing a author
knows why they are down in print to the
effect he wants them to be.
That is how I come to refuse to write
anything about husbands, because one day
this Publisher says to me why not write
what you think about husbands and I says
because it couldn’t be printed. And he says
well I will pay cash for the piece. And I
says that is certainly an awful temptation
to any woman, being asked not alone to tell
what is on her mind about husbands, but
[9]Say It with Bricks
offering to pay her for doing it, but no, I
don’t think I had better, it wouldn’t be
delicate.
And then I stopped talking so’s he could
get a chance to urge me but he merely sat,
and so after a while I thought, well, I had
not ought to let the conversation drag like
that, it is not polite, and so I says well, hav-
ing had two husbands and been a widow in
the meantime, I suppose I am unusually
competent to tell about them: But all he
says to that is, I don’t want I should urge
you against your will. And then I seen my
chance slipping, so I says well I might leave
out that part about what I think of husbands
and make a few remarks merely about what
I know about them and he says, well try
what you can do. And I says, oh dear, I
don’t think I have anything to say about
husbands, and he says all right, I’m sorry.
So I went home and I met my husband
in the hall and he was looking through the
[10]Say It with Bricks
bills that the postman had left, the old ones
with the dust on them as well as the nice
clean new ones; I suppose he was trying
could he by luck find something readable.
And I says hello George what do you think,
I got a job to write a piece about husbands,
and he says, well, if you do I will break
your neck.
Well after that I guess you can figure
out for yourself what I at once thought,
and that I suddenly found I had several
things to say about husbands, after all. Or,
if a husband yourself, why undoubtedly you
will know what was going on in what
George calls his mind when he passed that
remark. So I will merely proceed and tell
you about the talk I and he had concerning
why I should not write this story, and how
I come to refuse to do it.
Well, when George says that about my
neck, and so forth, I come back at him with,
since when are you telling me what I am
■Say It with Bricks
to write? And he says I should think some
things was sacred, and I says, do you ac-
tually believe there is anything sacred about
the things you are afraid I will tell on you?
And he says well, husbands is a outrageous
subject, and then I says yeh, you said a
mouthful. And then he says well, I forbid
you to write it, anyways.
And believe you me that is where George
pulled a boner, because of course that de-
cided me, and I made up my mind I wanted
to write it, and that I would do so only for
being fond of my neck and having already
told my Publisher I would not. But I says
to George how do you get that forbid stuff?
and he says in the marriage ceremony,
didn’t you promise to love, honor, and
obey? And I says I did not, Gorgeous, not
at my 2d marriage, which was to you, on
account I had already been stung that way
once. And George didn’t have any come-
back to that because, come to think of it,
[12]Say It with Bricks
that was the truth. Which only goes to
prove how much clearer women remembers
their marriages than men do.
Well, they generally have more cause to
on account husbands go out in the morning
and leave marriage behind them for the
whole entire day, that is unless they are the
kind comes home for lunch. But as a rule
they usually outgrow home-lunches after
about the ist yr., and coming home to lunch
is one of the few bad habits a wife can cure
after marriage. Other bad habits such as
gambling, drinking, and preferring tooth-
picks to any other form of dessert, why if
he has these habits while still a man, it is
likely they will not get better when he has
become merely a husband, and you know
the old saying about no man will reform
after marriage if he won’t before and I
always say, well why would he.
Well anyways I had it on George, see,Say It with Bricks
because of me having been married i time
before, and I knew enough to leave that
obey stuff out the 2d time and other items
as well. And what is further, a 1st hus-
band is a great weapon and every married
woman should have one, because no mat-
ter what he was like when living, if no
longer so, you can always hold him up as a
sample. No matter what George does, why
I am in the position to say, well Joe never
did. So my advice to young girls is always
have a 1 st husband somewhere in your
past, even if you have to invent him, then
you can pull the Tom-never-acted-like-that
stuff, and even though your husband will
say, no, thank heaven, I am not such a
dumb-bell, or maybe let on like he thought
you was exaggerating a good deal, why,
you can at least have the comfort of kid-
ding yourself that maybe life would of been
sweeter with Tom if only I hadn’t made
this terrible mistake, and ect.
[HiSay It with Bricks
Now there are quite a few things all hus-
bands have in common and believe me com-
mon is just what I mean. I don’t know how
they get that way unless it’s an infection,
but going around the room with a shirt on
and a neck band with one collar button
fastened in front and one sticking out be-
hind but as yet no collar to justify it, is
common indeed to all of them, and in the
mind of any wife living, should constitute
grounds for divorce. I don’t know just
what is wrong about a husband with no
collar but a adams-apple working where a
necktie ought to be, but something is. It
ought to be stopped by law.
Another outrage that we wives have to
endure is the license husbands get to tell
the same story in our presence as many
times as he can find a victim who has either
never heard this story, see, or is too polite
to admit that he has when he finds out how
anxious George is to tell it. And not alone
[15]Say It with Bricks
are we wives expected to listen for the thou-
sandth time without protest, but we are ac-
tually expected to lead up to this story when
in company, of our own free will, and give
him the chance to tell it, and what is even
stranger, we do.
We wives also suffer a lot from teeth-
brushing, and if somebody would only in-
vent a silencer for husband’s tooth brushes
they would confer a big favor on humanity.
And to see the ideal of our girlhood days
who we had only considered as perpetually
wearing a dress suit, come wandering out of
the bathroom in a undershirt, suspenders
draped gracefully over both hips, a face like
a soap-bubble-party gone wrong, waving a
razor and passing some remark about hey
listen, whatter you think I told that old
cheese of a manager of ours to-day, well,
a thing like that is a terrible blow to love’s
young dream. In fact it is generally suf-
ficient of a blow to knock said dream for
■Say It with Bricks
a goal, and yet a person has to endure it
year after year and smile and say nothing
except maybe “What, dear?” or something.
Of course, if George was ever to stop do-
ing it I would have a fit and commence to
think there was another woman, and be as
completely, comfortably miserable as only
a wife can be when she has nothing else to
do. But just the same it is grounds for
complaint.
Then on the other hand I will admit that
husbands is got their good points. For a
sample, if you got to help them push their
old jokes out of the garage in public, they
will in turn back up any brag that their
wife pulls about what rent we pay or the
big salaried position that he turned down
when it was almost offered to him, and ect.,
and even once in a while he will confirm
something you say you done yourself, such
as making the cake you bought at the
[17]Say It with Bricks
woman’s exchange and brought it to the
picnic, for any human wife will fall for a
little white lie like that once in a while.
The only trouble is, that a wife is never
sure will he really back her up, or will he
say, why, Nina Putnam, that dress ain’t im-
ported, it’s the one you made me come across
with the seventeen-fifty for, over on Forty-
second Street, don’t you remember? And if
it should happen to be one of them days
with him, why there is no use pretending
you can’t remember, because he will hound
you until you do.
However, husbands are temperamental
and the very next day they will back you
up when you least expect it, even to the
extent of speaking to the cook about the con-
dition of the ice box, and it is these precious
moments keeps us chained to them.
Husbands’ memories is notedly strong on
things like the kind of a cook his mother
was, what he went around the last nine holes
■Say It with Bricks
in, the exact raise of salary he needs, and
the only time you had one cocktail too
many. But they have a blind spot in their
minds when it comes to anniversaries, mail-
ing letters, and promises to get around more
in the evenings to shows and things like we
used to when we was engaged. It’s no
sooner promised than forgotten, with them,
but they will hound you to death over a
little thing like a button on a shirt, which
you have overlooked a few times on account
of having different things on your mind
such as trying to match that difficult dress
sample of Elephant Blue, or your regular
Bridge Thursday.
Women have so many more things to
think of than men do, what with the Eternal
Question of what’ll we eat, and can I trust
that new Maggie with the baby while I run
down-town or must I take him over to
Mommer’s, and numerous other details,
that it’s a wonder we ever get around to
[19]Say It with Bricks
holes in socks or bawling out the laundry
because the only decent dress-shirt collar
out of six—mind you, Nina, the only one
that was really any good—has been chewed
at the edges so’s it fits around the neck like
a hack-saw.
Of course I realize that all the above type
of beautiful domestic detail, which is part
of every true woman’s sacred homelife, is
extremely elevating. In fact I have fre-
quently found it so elevating that I have
went right up in the air about it. But pro-
grams of that sort are what any husband
expects his wife will gratefully accept, and
it’s the truth she is generally able to dis-
count it, learn to get a little pleasure out of
crabbing about it, and would not give it up
for the world, because then she would have
to commence and look around for some new
thing to holler over. One good point
about husbands is that they provide all the
subjects for those w. k. female brand of
[20]Say It with Bricks
talks commencing, well I don’t believe in
discussing my private affairs with anybody,
but I will say that George, and ect.
Other good things about husbands is
that they are certainly useful for closing
triinks and opening bottles. Also they are
good practice for ladies intending to enter
the diplomatic service, which some of us
some day undoubtedly will, now that we
have got the vote, and any woman who has
put in a few years managing an average hus-
band will be able to take a foreign diplo-
mat’s job, and these astute Mike O’Valleys
they got over in them foreign countries,
why, they will be a mere child in our
hands.
Well, if I was to write a story on hus-
bands, one thing I would certainly do over
George’s dead body if necessary is show up
a few of the things husbands have been get-
ting credit for these many years, when all
[21]Say It with Bricks
the credit belonging to them in these re-
spects could be written on a pi. remit notice.
And the first of these false-fronts that they
have been putting up is that a woman is
never ready on time and a husband is always
champing at the leash with his watch in one
paw hollering out remarks about the first
act or the last train or something, while his
better half is making herself look as much
better as she knows how and taking not
alone her own time about it, but everybody
else’s time as well.
Now where every husband I have had is
concerned, it is enough to say, dinner is
ready, dear, for him to beat it in the op-
posite direction from the dining-room to
wash his hands and comb his hair and peer
at his collar, and feel does he need a shave
and this is especially true if we have a
omelet or pea soup. Even then he will not
take the blame, but try to hold the cook
responsible for the fact that the omelet has
[22]Say It with Bricks
fell and he was not there with the old field
work, or that the pea soup is all right, only
now being cold all it needs is a little wall
paper and a brush to go with it. On time?
The only thing a typical husband is ever on
time for is his own funeral and that gen-
erally occurs too late to be of any good to
his widow.
More husbands has caused the missing of
a first act by forgetting the tickets than
wives has caused the-same thing through
faults of her own. And if a wife is not
dressed on time for the seven-forty-five car
into town, it is usually because she has got
a sudden hole in her silk ones, or she didn’t
get time to curl her hair before dinner on
account of that dreadful Mrs. Hoosis stay-
ing so late, or she was cutting out a new pair
of rompers and forgot to stop in time, or
some real, genuine reason like that.
And as for delaying auto rides, well, it’s
a lucky thing I decided not to write any
[233Say It with Bricks
article telling about husbands, because of
the mouthful I could say on this subject
alone, or in company either! The times I
have sat in the car and waited while George
took up the hood and looked earnestly at the
engine for a long time, until the engine
stared him out of countenance and he put
the hood down again without doing any-
thing else, but with the eternal hope I
would be impressed! Then again the sit-
ting I have done while he filled the radiator
and looked to see did we need any gas, and
made me get up so’s he could get a screw
driver out of the tdol box under the seat,
and then decide he didn’t need the screw
driver after all, and make me get up again
so’s he could put it back! I have waited
while he give the oil gauge a good mani-
cure and cursed when he discovered he done
it with his handkerchief by mistake and
gone back in the house for a clean one, and
then decided maybe he would just run in
[24]Say It with Bricks
and get a sweater in case it got cold before
we come home.
And then, after all those brands of delay,
George will get in the driver’s seat and say,
well, we are going to be late, I don’t see
why you couldn’t of been ready on time, and
I will say nothing. That is, nothing except
a few words about why don’t you take care
of the car in advance, it is your province,
or am I expected to do it as well as all the
housekeeping, because if you say so, I will,
and then there won’t be no delay, and it’s a
man’s job, you ought to be ashamed of your-
self. Just merely a few things like that,
because I don’t believe in starting out on a
trip sore at each other.
As for the times I have sat outside of
some office when George has said I want
to run in here on business I won’t be a
minute, well, I’ll tell the world he said a
mouthful, because he never is a minute,
[25]Say It with Bricks
he is an hour as a general thing. And
another time I have waited for a husband
is when he said he would be home early
to-night, dear, but he had to work overtime
at the office, after all.
Well, if I was to write this book I am
telling you about, why, those are a few
things I would mention right here, and
another bluff about men which I would
dynamite, is about how strong they are.
Somehow the idea has got around, prob-
ably circulated by men, that men are
stronger than women. Well, some of them
are strong all right, I personally myself
know one man and he was so strong he cap-
tured a wild packing box on its native
hearth, and sat on it to tame it while his
wife took in washing on her native hearth
and worked at it for twelve hours a day.
I also know another strong husband who
used to clerk in a drug store, and.come home
at night all wore out from wrapping up the
[26]Say It with Bricks
big husky gumdrops they carried, to find
his wife cheerful and refreshed from her
nice homey day, where she hadn’t a thing
to do except the housework and the market-
ing and the washing, and a few little things
like that, when she was perfectly free to
spend her evening sewing for the kids. In
a coupla years this husband strained his
imagination lifting a package of absorbent
cotton and had to retire for life; but she,
being a weak woman, merely took on a
little stenography and they get along pretty
good.
So I always claim you can’t tell a sturdy
oak from a clinging vine until they start to
grow, and then, on the other hand there is
George and his threat about breaking my
neck, and he is perfectly capable of doing
it with one hand, as I know, on account I
have seen him open a box of shoe polish
with a single gesture, and after an exhibi-
■Say It with Bricks
tion of strength like that, why, I don’t care
to take any chance, which is why I couldn’t
very well write this book that he objected to.
But it does seem a pity, though, for me
not to be free to write it because there are
several good things I would like to be able
to call attention to about husbands, and I
would put them into the story, and one of
them would be how a husband makes a per-
son feel safe going out with him, nights, and
how they are real handy when you need a
little change. I mean both in the money
sense and when you want to get away from
where you are.
Husbands is also a great comfort in a
lonely house at night, and the superstition
about they will chase burglars has reached
such a popular point that old maids fre-
quently keep a male hat or two parked on
the rack in the hall, hoping all burglars
will enter by the front door, see the hats
and be so scared they will beat it at once.
[28]Say It with Bricks
But these old maids, why they do it in their
innocence on account they have no real ex-
perience. And anyone on the inside knows
that a genuine husband, if his attention is
called to some noise, will merely pull the
blanket further up over his head and say
oh, nonsense, it is only that darn cat again,
how many times have I got to get up at night
and stalk that animal. Still, it is better to
have a husband in the house than a mere hat,
because then if the burglar does come, at
least you can die together, or maybe it will
be only the husband that will get injured.
Another thing I would love to discuss on
the subject of husbands and why they are
that way, is mothers-in-law of both sexes.
Few people is lucky enough to marry
orphans, and a mother-in-law on one side
of the family is a element in almost any
marriage. And believe you me, a husband’s
mother has got it on a wife’s mother, and
when she comes to visit she may be as nice
[29]Say It with Bricks
as nature allows in such trying circum-
stances, but she has a far more eagle-eye on
the way you run things for her boy than
your mother ever has on friend husband
and the way he is treating you. And this
is because his mother always has a you-stole-
him-from-me-hussy! feeling toward you,
while your own mommer, no matter how
she may pick on him as a provider and she
usually does, though in a nice way, well,
she always has a dash of thank-heaven-
you-took-her-off-my-hands in her manner.
Which naturally makes him more so than
ever, if you get me.
Now I have give a lot of serious thought
to marriage, and if I was ever to write a
piece about it, I would admit that, honest,
there is something funny about marriage.
I mean funny in the most serious sense.
There is something about marriage does
funny things to people once they get into
[30]Say It with Bricks
it. I mean funny things such as being nasty
to each other, and cruel, sometimes, and
even unfair. It takes a nice, snappy-
dressed young chap that is crazy about go-
ing to the pictures and is a regular spend-
thrift with ice-cream sodas, after, and plants
him in the back parlor with his vest un-
buttoned, his face under a newspaper and
his feet under the lamp. It likewise grows
curl papers and dressing sacks on females
that once took ’em off before he had a
chance to see ’em. Marriage goes even
further. It runs up bills for groceries in-
stead of for taxis: it traps a person into hav-
ing a bunch of kids that looked fine on
magazine covers when we was engaged,
but now look best when finally in bed and
asleep. In fact, anybody who could write,
could holler on about marriage and hus-
bands and what is wrong with them, with
all the violence of a Red Radical and with
more truth by far, because pretty near any
[31]Say It with Bricks
complaint you can make about husbands-
and marriage would be a true one. And
only one thing about them has got me buf-
faloed. Would I be willing to do without
them? And the answer to that is “No.”
Because for the life of me I can’t think
of any better arrangement to take the place
of marriage, and neither have I seen any-
body else of who it was a true fact that they
have found something just as good. These
f ree-love-radicals that you read about in the
papers, why as a rule their chief dread in
life is that somebody will look up the mar-
riage records in their home town and expose
to the world the horrid fact that they are
not living in sin after all, for somebody is-
always taking the bull out of life, and leav-
ing us face to face with the truth. And in
this case I guess we will have to reluctantly
admit that marriage is the best way to get
rid of a troublesome suitor, of which we
know as yet.
[32]Say It with Bricks
Personally, I am for it, even after a
coupla trys, and I got a feeling that there
is in marriage, something that a person
might justifiably call divine, and also a
sneaking idea, which I naturally put out of
my head as quick as possible whenever it
comes to me, and that idea is that maybe
there is nothing wrong with marriage itself,
but that the trouble is with the ones that
goes into it. I have, as I mentioned, tried
it twice. Maybe it is like eating peanuts,
you don’t know when to stop. But then
again it may be because of some holy thing
that a woman can find in a good husband.
And if I was to write a book about hus-
bands, I would tell you what this is. And
if I did, why then George would break my
neck, and I don’t know that I would be able
to blame him!
[33]SAY IT WITH OIL
BY RING W. LARDNER