vn 
 
 <n 
 
 cv 
 o 
 

 
 
 C 
 
 
 
 "Z 
 
 
 
 > — ( 
 
 
 .^ 
 
 < 
 
 
 ^ 
 
 "X 
 
 ^ 
 
 ^g. 
 
 in 
 
 W 
 
 
 H 
 
 t^ 
 
 
 "< 
 
 GO 
 
 ir 
 
 O « 
 
 
 !^ 
 
 »T) S 
 
 r 
 
 ?ov 
 
 ^ 
 
 I — 1 
 
 '/i 
 
 ' o 
 
 to 
 
 ^ 
 
 > 
 
 % 
 
 > 
 
 r 
 
 > 
 
 s 
 
 
 
 2 
 
 > 
 
 ^ 
 
Digitized by tine Internet Arciiive 
 
 in 2007 with funding from 
 
 IVIicrosoft Corporation 
 
 http://www.archive.org/details/americanladiesgeOOdaycricli 
 
\ 
 
 "^^^v 
 
HINTS 
 
 E T I Q "^" '^^ T T E 
 
/ 
 
 This work was originally published in 
 London, where it has gone through twenty-two 
 editions, and has been made the standard of 
 modern society in England. 
 
THE 
 
 AMERICAN 
 
 LADIES AND GENTLEMAN'S 
 
 MANUAL 
 
 V 
 
 OF 
 
 ELEGANCE, FASHION, 
 
 AND 
 
 TRUE POLITENESS. 
 
 BY CHARLES WILLIAM DAY. 
 
 
 fuirivEESiTy) 
 
 ALDE NpiBJE AR DSL^ Y & CO. 
 
 ROCHESTER: VVANZto., BEARDSLEY & CO. 
 
 1852. 
 
J) 3 
 
 Entered according to Act of Congress, in the year 1843, 
 
 By O. C. B. Carter, 
 
 In the Clerk's Office of the District Court of Massachusetts. 
 
 •n 
 
 STEREOTYPED AT THE 
 BOSTON TYPE AND STEREOTYPE FOUNDRT 
 
ic^^^^ 
 
 \ 
 
 THE 
 
 AMERICAN PUBLIC, 
 
 The Author believes that in America, there 
 IS to be found a society as well bred, graceful, 
 and polished, as can be met with in Europe ; 
 but as the masses of people, so continually rising 
 in the New World, can scarcely be expected 
 successfully to emulate the manners and habits 
 of those whose position has been so long defined, 
 assuredly it can hurt no one, but benefit many, 
 for them to compare the usages of polished • 
 nations with those of their own ; and to consider"^ 
 whether a common sense application of the 
 1* 
 
6 TO THE AMERICAN PUBLIC. 
 
 ordinary observances of good society, as prac- 
 tised in older countries, cannot materially elevate 
 in the social scale, the aspiring and the suc- 
 cessful. 
 
 The Hints on Etiquette having, in the most 
 unprincipled manner, been attributed to Count 
 d'Orsay, by a bookseller in New York, the 
 real Author, to settle the matter, is induced to f 
 put his name to this American edition, that in 
 future no mistakes may occur. 
 
 Boston, Mass., December 1st, 1843 
 
PREFACE 
 
 THE FIRST EDITION. 
 
 This is not written for those who do, but for 
 those who do not Jcnoio what is proper, com- 
 prising a large portion of highly respectable and 
 estimable people, who have not had an oppor 
 tunity of becoming acquainted with the usages 
 of the (so termed) " best society ; " therefore, 
 do not let the " select " sneer, and say, " O, 
 every body knows that; there is nothing new 
 here." Even they may be mistaken, and many 
 may profit who will not choose to own how 
 much they are indebted to this little book. 
 
8 PREFACE TO THE FIRST EDITION. 
 
 It would be absurd to suppose that thcee 
 persons who constitute the upper ranks of the 
 middle classes in London are ignorant of the 
 regulations here laid down ; but in the coun- 
 try, (especially in the mercantile districts,) where 
 the tone of society is altogether lower, it is far 
 otherwise, although country people may not 
 feel inclined to acknowledge what is, neverthe- 
 less, strictly true. 
 
 If these " hints " save the blush but upon one 
 cheeJc, or smooth the path into "society'' of 
 only one honest family, the object of the author 
 will be attained. 
 
 London, January 20, 189& 
 
CONTENTS. 
 
 Page. 
 
 Genef.al Observations ....«••••• 11 
 
 Chap I. Introductions • 15 
 
 II. Letters of Introductioit • 22 
 
 III. Marriage 29 
 
 IV. Dinners 31 
 
 y. Smoking 53 
 
 VI. Snuff 58 
 
 VII. Fashion 60 
 
 VIII. Dress 62 
 
 IX. Music 70 
 
 X. Dancing 74 
 
 XI. Conversation .....81 
 
 XII. Advice to Tradespeople 101 
 
 XIII. Visiting 104 
 
10 CONTENTS. 
 
 Page 
 Chap. XIV. Visiting Cards 107 
 
 XV. Cards 114 
 
 XVI. Tattling 117 
 
 XVII. Of general Society 121 
 
HINTS ON ETiaUETTE, 
 [U1TI 7ERSIT Y 
 
 GENERAIi OBSERVATIONS. 
 
 Etiquette is the barrier which society draws 
 around itself as a protection against offences the ^ 
 " law " cannot touch ; it is a shield against the 
 intrusion of the impertinent, the improper, and 
 the vulgar, — a guard against those obtuse per- 
 sons who, having neither talent nor delicacy, 
 would be continually thrusting themselves into 
 the society of men to whom their presence 
 might (from the difference of feeling and habit) 
 be offensive, and even insupportable. 
 
12 HINTS ON ETIQUETTE. 
 
 Many unthinking persons consider the ob- 
 servance of etiquette to be nonsensical and 
 unfriendly, as consisting of unmeaning forms, 
 practised only by the silly and the idle — an 
 opinion which arises from their not having re- 
 flected on the reasons that have led to the 
 establishment of certain rules indispensable to 
 the well-being of society, and without which, 
 indeed, it would inevitably fall to pieces, and 
 
 be destroyed. 
 
 Much misconstruction and unpleasant feeling 
 arises, especially in country towns, from not 
 knowing what is " expected ^"^^ or necessary to be 
 done, on certain occasions, resulting sometimes 
 from the prevalence of local customs, with which 
 the world in general are not supposed to be 
 acquainted. 
 
GENERAL OBSERVATIONS. 13 
 
 Besides, in a mercantile country like England, 
 people are continually rising m the world. Y. 
 Shopkeepers become merchants, and mechanics 
 manufacturers ; with the possession of wealth 
 they acquire a taste lor the luxuries of life, 
 expensive furniture, gorgeous plate, and also 
 numberless superfluities, with the use of which 
 they are only imperfectly acquainted. But 
 although their capacities for enjoyment increase, 
 it rarely happens that the polish of their manners 
 keeps pace with the rapidity of their advance- 
 ment; hence such persons are often painfully 
 reminded that wealth alone is insufficient to 
 protect them from the mortihcations which a 
 limited acquaintance with society entails upon 
 the ambitious. Pride often deters people from 
 seeking the advice of the experienced, when 
 the opportunity of receiving it is presented. It 
 2 
 
14 HINTS ON ETIQUETTE* 
 
 15 to be hoped that the following remarks will 
 furnish a guide through the intricacies of con. 
 ventional usage, without risk to the sensitive, 
 or the humiliation of publicly proclaiming the 
 deficiencies of an imperfect education. 
 
 In all cases, the observances of the Metropolis 
 (as the seat of refinement) should be received 
 as the standard of good-breeding. 
 
15 
 
 
 INTRODUCTIONS 
 
 Never *' introduce " people to each other 
 without a previous understanding that it will 
 be . agreeable 4o both. 
 
 There are many reasons why people ought 
 never to be introduced to the acquaintance of 
 each other, without the consent of each party 
 previously obtained. A man may suit the taste, 
 and be agreeable enough to one, without being 
 equally so to the rest of his friends ; nay, as it 
 often happens, he may be decidedly unpleasing : 
 a stupid person may be delighted with the so- 
 
16 HINTS ON ETIQUETTE. 
 
 ciety of a man of learning or talent, to whom, in 
 return, such an acquaintance may prove an an- 
 noyance and a clog, as one mcapable of offering 
 an interchange of thought, or an idea worth 
 listening to. 
 
 But if you should find an agreeable person in 
 private society, who seems desirous of making 
 your acquaintance, there cannot be any objec- 
 tion to your meeting his advances half way, 
 although the ceremony of an " introduction " 
 may not have taken place ; his presence in your 
 friend's house being a sufficient guarantee for 
 his respectability, as, of course, if he were an 
 improper person, he would not be there. 
 
 Should you, whilst walking with your friend, 
 meet an acquaintance, never introduce them. 
 
INTRODUCTIONS. 17 
 
 If you meet a male acquaintance giving his 
 arm to a lady, take off your hat to him, instead 
 of nodding — as this last familiar mode of recog- 
 nition looks disrespectful towards her. 
 
 In making *^ introductions," take care to pre- 
 sent the person of the lower rank to him of the 
 higher ; that is, the commoner should be pre- 
 sented to the peer, not the peer to the com- 
 moner ; Dr. A. to Lord B., not Lord B. to Dr. 
 A. Observe the same rule with ladies — the 
 lady (as a female) claiming the highest rank, 
 it is to her the gentleman must be presented, not 
 the lady to the gentleman. 
 
 Be cautious how you take an intimate friend 
 uninvited even to the house of those with whom 
 you may be equally intimate, as there is always 
 
 2^ 
 
18 HINTS ON ETIQUETTE* 
 
 a feeling of jealousy that another should share 
 your thoughts and feelings to the same extent 
 as themselves, although good breeding will 
 induce them to behave civilly to your friend on 
 your account. 
 
 Friendship springs up from sources so subtle 
 and undefinable, that it cannot be forced into 
 particular channels ; and whenever the attempt 
 has been made, it has usually been unsuc- 
 cessful. 
 
 Never make acquaintances in coffee-houses 
 or other pubhc places. As no person who 
 respects himself does so, you may reasonably 
 suspect any advances made to you. — In America, 
 this must be taken with some allowance ; board- 
 ing in hotels, and living much in public, being 
 
INTRODUCTIONS. 19 
 
 the custom of the country, but which is con- 
 trary to English prejudices. Besides, in the 
 United States, there is at least a profession of 
 equality, however chimerical may be a reality, 
 which is never even affected in Europe. 
 
 An adherence to etiquette is a mark of re- 
 spect. If a man be worth 'knowing, he is surely 
 worth the trouble to approach properly. It will 
 likewise reheve you from the awkwardness of 
 being acquainted with people of whom you 
 might at times be ashamed, or be obliged, under 
 many circumstances, to " o^^." 
 
 The act of " cutting -' can only be justified 
 by some strong instance of bad conduct in the 
 person to be cut. A cold bow, which discour- 
 ages familiarity without offering insult, is the 
 
20 HINTS ON ETIQUETTE. 
 
 best mode to adopt towards those with whom an 
 acquaintance is not deemed desirable. An in- 
 creased observance of ceremony is, however, the 
 most delicate way of withdrawing from an 
 acquaintance ; and the person so treated must 
 be obtuse, indeed, who does not take the hint. 
 
 A neglect of, or an adherence to, the forms 
 of society, in others towards yourself, is often- 
 times the only way in which you are enabled 
 to judge if your acquaintance be really con- 
 sidered desirable. You will meet with pro- 
 fessions of civility and friendship in the world 
 as mere matters of course ; and were you to 
 act upon what people say, instead of what they 
 do, you would run a risk of being mortified, 
 which no person of proper pride would choose 
 to encounter \ especially if the other party be, 
 
INTRODUCTIONS. 21 
 
 or assume to be, of higher rank than yourself. 
 We never knew a person, really desirous of 
 forming a friendship with another, neglect, either 
 by word or deed, the means of accomplishing 
 such an object. 
 
 It is, however, understood in society, that a 
 person who has been properly introduced to you, 
 has some claim on your good offices in future; 
 you cannot therefore slight him without good 
 reason, and the chance of being called to an 
 account for it. 
 
22 
 
 CHAP. 11. 
 
 LETTERS OF INTRODUCTION. 
 
 Letters of Introduction are to be considered 
 as certificates of respectability — as proofs that 
 you are known by the introducer to be a proper 
 person to be admitted into the friendly circle of 
 him to whom you are recommended, without the 
 risk, in these days of elegant exterior, of his 
 harboring, a swindler, or losing his silver spoons. 
 
 Many people consider that, when they have 
 given a dinner to the stranger, they have done 
 enough, and are not required to take any fur- 
 ther notice of him, so that, with modern English 
 coldness, " Letters of Introduction " have been 
 
LETTERS OF INTRODUCTION. 23 
 
 facetiously termed *^ Tickets for Soup," and 
 many sensitive people have, by these degrading 
 considerations, been prevented from presenting 
 them It is true, that among people " comme il 
 faut,^^ the new comer is generally welcomed 
 with a dinner — not for the_ sake of the enter- 
 tainment — but as a means of presenting him 
 to a fresh society, and of giving him the oppor- 
 tunity of legitimately making the acquaintance 
 of his host's friends invited expressly to meet 
 him ; but, as the only criterion of the estimation 
 in which he is held must be the kind of people 
 asked to meet him, be careful not to wound his 
 feelings by inviting those whom he may be 
 likely to consider his inferiors eitKfcr in merit 
 or position. 
 
 If you have letters of introduction from one 
 
^4 HINTS ON ETIQUETTE. 
 
 friend to another, do not take them, but send 
 them, with your card of address. If he be a 
 gentleman, he will return your visit as soon as 
 possible ; at any rate it will give him an option, 
 which by taking your letters in person you do 
 not do, but rather force yourself upon him 
 whether he will or not. If your letters be on 
 business only, no ceremony is necessary — take 
 them at once. In all such matters never trust 
 to a second that which may be so much better 
 done by yourself. 
 
 There cannot be a more awkward situation 
 for both parties than for one person to be wait- 
 ing whilst ^e other is reading a letter with the 
 endeavor to discover who the stranger may be, 
 or a position in which the bearer looks so fool- 
 ish, or feels so uncomfortable. Then comes the 
 
LETTERS OF INTRODUCTION. 25 
 
 bow, a cold shake of the hand, with the few 
 civil words of course, — and all because you 
 come upon a stranger who is unprepared; 
 therefore give him time to read the letter you 
 bring, and to consider how he may best show his 
 regard for your introducer by his attentions to 
 yourself. 
 
 Observe, that " Letters of Introduction " are 
 never sealed by well-bred people ; the seal of 
 the writer is attached to the envelope — re- 
 quiring only a little wax to close it, — at the 
 option of the person to whom it is confided. 
 
 If a gentleman be the bearer of an " intro- 
 duction " to you, leave a card with him without 
 fail, if it be only as an acknowledgment of 
 having received your friend's letter; there is no 
 3 
 
26 HINTS ON ETICtUETTE. 
 
 rudeness so great as to leave it unnoticed, — it 
 is a slight to the stranger as well as to the 
 introducer, which no subsequent attentions will 
 cancel ; you are not obliged to invite him, as 
 that is a matter of choice. 
 
 In France, and indeed generally on the Con- 
 tinent, it is the established usage that strangers 
 on arriving pay the first visit to residents. In 
 England, with much better taste, the contrary is 
 the rule. A stranger should never be made to 
 feel that he is demanding attentions; but if 
 possessed of true delicacy, he would prefer 
 waiting until they are offered. In spite of our 
 own folly in occasionally copying them, the 
 French (with a much greater affectation of po- 
 liteness) are infinitely inferior to English gentle- 
 men in true good-breeding. 
 
LETTERS OF INTRODUCTION. 27 
 
 Remember also, that a letter should never 
 remain unanswered a moment longer than is 
 absolutely unavoidable. Should you not have 
 time to answer it fully, a simple acknowledg- 
 ment is better than no notice of it at all. 
 
 An adherence to these rules will prevent your 
 exposure to any coldness or slight you might 
 otherwise incur. 
 
 Do not imagine tnese ntiie ceremonies to be 
 insignificant and beneath your attention ; they 
 are the customs of society ; and if you do not - 
 conform to them, you will gain the unenviable 
 distinction of being pointed out as an ignorant, 
 ill-bred person. Not that you may care the 
 more for strangers by showing them civility, but 
 
28 HINTS ON ETIQUETTE. 
 
 you should scrupulously avoid the imputation of 
 being deficient in good-breeding ; and if you do 
 not choose to be polite for their sakes, you ought 
 to be so for your own. 
 
29 
 
 CHAP. III. 
 
 MARRIAGE. 
 
 When a man marries, it is understood that 
 all former acquaintanceship ends, unless he in- 
 timate a desire to renew it, by ^ending you his 
 own and his wife's card, if near, or by letter, 
 if distant. If this be neglected, be sure no 
 further intercourse is desired. 
 
 In the first place — A bachelor is seldom very 
 particular in the choice of his companions. So 
 long as he is amusod, he will associate freely 
 enough with those whose morals and habits 
 would point them out as highly dangerous per- 
 sons to introduce into the sanctity of domestic J. 
 
30 HINTS ON VTK^UETTE. 
 
 Secondly — A married man has the tastes of 
 another to consult ; and the friend of the Aw5- 
 hand may not be equally acceptable to the wife. 
 
 Besides — Newly-married people may wish to 
 limit the circle of their friends, from praise- 
 worthy niotives of economy. When a man first 
 " sets up " in the world, the burden of an ex- 
 tensive and indiscriminate acquaintance may be 
 felt in various ways. Many have had cause to 
 regret the weakness of mind which allowed 
 them to plunge into a vortex of gayety and ex- 
 pense they could ill afford, from whi<ih thev 
 have found it difficult to extricate themselves, 
 and the effects of which have proved a serious 
 evil to them in after life 
 
81 
 
 CHAP. IV. 
 
 DINNERS. 
 
 Of the etiquette of a dinner party, it is 
 extremely difficult to say any thing, because 
 fashions are continually changing, even at the 
 best tables; and what is considered the height 
 of good taste one year, is declared vulgar the 
 next ; besides which, certain houses and sets 
 have certain customs, peculiar to their own 
 clique, and all who do not conform exactly to 
 their methods are looked upon as vulgar per- 
 sons, ignorant of good-breeding. This is a 
 mistake commonly fallen into by the little 
 '' great " in the country, where the circle con- 
 stituting ^^ society ^^ is necessarily so small, that 
 
32 HINTS ON ETIQUETTE. 
 
 its members cannot fail to acquire the same 
 habits, feelings, and observances. However, a 
 tew hints may not be thrown away, always 
 recollecting that people can only become ridic- 
 ulous by attempting to be too fine, I am, of 
 course, supposing my readers to be acquainted 
 with the decencies of life. 
 
 When the members of the party have all 
 assembled in the drawing-room, the master or 
 mistress of the house will point out which lady 
 you are to take into the dining-room, according 
 to some real or fancied standard of precedence, 
 rank, (if there be rank,) age, or general impor- 
 tance; that is, the married before the single, 
 &c. ; or they will show their tact, by making 
 companions those who are most likely to be 
 agreeable to each other. Give the lady the 
 
((Ul^IVEESIT 
 
 wall coming down stairs, takS^hertpto tlre~room, , 
 and seat yourself by ner side. ^^**'^'^r,r- - n --r. ^ 
 
 If you pass to dine merely from one room to 
 another, offer your left arm to "the lady. 
 
 Remember that it is the lady who at all times 
 takes precedence, not the gentleman. A person 
 led a Princess out of the room before her hus- 
 band, (who was doing the same to a lady of 
 lower rank ;) in his over-politeness, he said,. 
 ^'Pardonnez que nous vous precedons," quite 
 forgetting that it was the princess, and not he, 
 who led the way. 
 
 Well-bred people arrive as nearly at the 
 appointed dinner hour as they can. It is a 
 very vulgar assumption of importance purposely 
 
34 HINTS ON ETIQ,UETTE. 
 
 to arrive half an hour behind time ; besides the 
 folly of allowing eight or ten hungry people such 
 a tempting opportunity of discussing J[Our 
 foibles. , ^ l| , 1 , - p. ^ ^.^ , 
 
 The lady of the house will, of course, take the 
 head of the table, and the gentleman of the 
 highest rank will sit at her right hand ; the 
 gentleman next in rank will be placed on the 
 left of the hostess, so that she may be supported 
 by the two persons of the most consideration, 
 (who will assist her to carve.) 
 
 In many houses of distinction, the master and 
 mistress sit vis-a-vis to each other at the middle 
 of the table. • 
 
 In nearly all the houses of the nobility, at 
 
DINNERS 35 
 
 present, the operation of carving is performed 
 at the side table,. where the yiece de resistanccy 
 by which is meant the roast joint, is placed. 
 
 It is the custom at present for the lady of 
 the house to follow her guests into the dining- 
 room, except when a prince of the royal family 
 is present, who leads out the lady of the house 
 first. 
 
 The gentleman of the house takes the bottom 
 of the table, and on each side of Mm must be 
 placed the two ladies highest in ranJc. You will 
 find a party of ten convenient, as it admits of 
 an equal distribution of the sexes ; neither two 
 men nor two women like to sit together. 
 
 r 
 
 It is a matter of regret that table napkins are 
 
36 HINTS ON ETIQUETTE. 
 
 not considered indispensable in England ; for, 
 with all oar boasted refinement, they are far 
 from being general. The comfort of napkins 
 at dinner is too obvious to require comment, 
 whilst the expense can hardly be urged as an 
 objection. If there be not any napkins, a man 
 has no alternative but to use the table-cloth, 
 unless (as many do) he prefer his pocket hand- 
 kerchief — an usage sufficiently disagreeable. 
 
 ^Never eat your dinner as if you were 
 BOLTING IT FOR A WAGER.^ For cach indi- 
 vidual at a table to devour his portion in solemn 
 silence, is only worthy of the domestic animals, 
 jealous of a morsel being snatched away by 
 such of their number as may be more greedy 
 than conscientious. At meals, lively conver- 
 sation elevates the spirits, and has a most sal 
 
DINNERS. 37 
 
 utary effect upon the digestion, besides that it 
 checks the possibiUty of eating so voraciously 
 as to cause dyspepsia. Solemn dulness and 
 unsociability at meals, is one of the national 
 characteristics of the Americans, and cannot 
 be too quickly rectified. 
 
 It is considered vulgar to take fish or souj 
 twice. The reason for not being helped twice 
 to fish or soup at a large dinner party — is 
 because by so doing you keep three parts of the 
 company staring at you whilst waiting for the 
 second course, which is spoiling, much to the 
 annoyance of the mistress of the house. The 
 selfish greediness, therefore, of so doing consti- 
 tutes its vulgarity. At a faniily dinner it is of 
 less importance, and is consequently often done. 
 
38 HINTS ON ETIQ^UETTE. 
 
 Hot soup at table is very vulgar; it either 
 leads to an unseemly mode of taking it, or keeps 
 people waiting too long whilst it cools. Soup 
 should be brought to table only moderately 
 warm. 
 
 Do not ask any lady to take wine, until you 
 see that she has finished her fish or soup. This 
 exceedingly absurd and troublesome custom is 
 very properly giving way at the best tables to 
 the more reasonable one of the gentleman help- 
 ing the lady to wine next to whom he may be 
 seated, or a servant will hand it round. But if 
 either a lady or a gentleman be invited to take 
 wine at table, they must never refuse ; it is very 
 gauche so to do. They need not drink half a 
 glass with each person, but merely taste of it. 
 
DINNERS, 39 
 
 Asking ladies to take wine is now quite 
 exploded. It is merely offered by the gentle- 
 men who sit next to them ; but if you are in a 
 country house where the custom is retained, it 
 would be better breeding to follow the fashion 
 of the place^ rather than, by an omission of what 
 your entertainer considers civility, to prove him, 
 in the face of his guests, to be either ignorant or 
 vulgar. 
 
 It is considered well bred to take the same 
 wine as that selected by the person with whom 
 you drink, the choice being left to the person 
 liighest in rank or most advanced in age. When, 
 however, the wine chosen by him is unpalatable 
 to you, it is allowable to take that which you 
 prefer, prefacing it with, " Will you permit me 
 to drink claret, sherry," &c. 
 
40 HINTS ON ETK^UETTE. 
 
 At every respectable table you will find silver 
 forks;? being broader, they are in all respects 
 
 X' 
 
 more convenient than steel for fish or vegetables. 
 Steel forks, except for carving, are now never 
 placed on the table. 
 
 At family dinners, vi^here the conimon house- 
 hold bread is used, it should never be cut less 
 than an inch and a half thick^l There is nothing 
 more plebeian than thin bread at dinner. 
 
 Never use your knife to convey your food to 
 your mouth, under any circumstances; it is un- 
 necessary, and glaringly vulgar. Feed yourself 
 with a foj-k or spoon, nothing else, — a knife is 
 only to be used for cutting. 
 
 This is a besetting sin with Americans of all 
 
DINNERS. 41 
 
 ranks. Nothing is more horrible than to witness 
 a man make a shovel of his knife, with the 
 momentary expectation of seeing him cut his 
 mouth at every throw. / It is in itself an atrocity, 
 that, in Europe, would shut him out of the pale 
 of civilized life. 
 
 If at dinner you are requested to help any one 
 to sauce, do not pour it over the meat or vege- 
 tables, but on one side. \Jf you should have to 
 carve and help a joint, do not load a person's 
 plate — it is vulga^: also in serving soup, one 
 ladleful to each plate is sufRcienty 
 
 \Fish should always be helped with a silver 
 jfish-slice/and your own portion of it divided by 
 the fork aided by a piece of bread. 
 4* 
 
-f 
 
 42 HINTS ON ETIQ,UETTE. 
 
 The application of a knife to fish is likely to 
 destroy the delicacy of its flavor ; b.esides which, 
 fish sauces are often acidulated; acids corrode 
 steel, and draw from it a disagreeable taste. 
 In the North, where lemon or vinegar is very 
 generally used for salmon and many other kinds 
 of fish, the objection becomes more apparent. 
 
 Eat PEAS with a dessert spoon; and curry 
 also. Tarts and puddings are to be eaten with 
 a spoon.* 
 
 It is not elegant to gnaw Indian corn. The 
 kernels should be scored with a knife, scraped 
 
 * By a step in pseudo refinement, the etiquette of 1839 
 pronounces that the use of a spoon for these purposes must 
 be carefully avoided at dinner, it being only admissible for 
 Boup and ices. 
 
DINNERS. 43 
 
 off into the plate, and then eaten with a fork. 
 Ladies should be particularly careful how they 
 manage so ticklish a dainty, lest the exhibition 
 rub off a little desirable romance. 
 
 As a general rule — in helping any one at 
 table, never use a knife where you can use a 
 spoon. 
 
 Making a noise in chewing, or breathing hard 
 in eating, are both unseemly habits, and oug!it 
 to be eschewed. 
 
 Many people make a disgusting noise wath 
 their lips, by inhaling their breath strongly whilst 
 taking soup — a habit which should be carefully 
 avoided. 
 
44 HINTS ON ETK^UETTE. 
 
 You cannot use your knife, or forJcy or teeth 
 too quietly. 
 
 It is considered extremely j^^og-isA to have an 
 overloaded plate, piled up with an heterogeneous 
 mass of edibles. Almost every dish has its 
 appropriate sauce, (not sarse,) or vegetables, 
 intended as condiments or auxiliaries to that 
 alone. Squash, corn, turnips, beets, and tomato 
 sauce, all on the same plate, remind one more 
 of the contents of a beggar's wallet, or a mess 
 for a dog, than of .a portion for a moderate 
 Christian gentleman. 
 
 Do not press people to eat more than they 
 appear to like, nor insist upon their tasting of 
 any particular dish : you may so far recommend 
 one, as to mention that it is considered " excel- 
 
DINNERS. '4o 
 
 lent." Remember that tastes differ, and viands 
 which please you, may be objects of dishke to 
 others ; and that in consequence of your urgency, 
 very young or very modest people may feel 
 themselves compelled to partake of what may be 
 most disagreeable to them. \ 
 
 Do not pick your teeth mwcA at table, as, 
 however satisfactory a practice to yourself, to 
 witness it is not at all pleasant. 
 
 "^^Ladies should never dine with their gloves on 
 — unless their hands are not fit to be seeriT \ 
 
 Servants occasionally wait at table in dea7i 
 ivhite gloves : there are few things more dis- 
 agreeable than the thumb of a clumsy waiter in 
 your plate. 
 
46 HINTS ON ETIQ,UETTE. 
 
 The custom, however, of servants waiting at 
 table in gloves, has never been adopted in the 
 mansions of people of distinction. A white 
 damask napkin, in which his thumb is enveloped, 
 is given to each servant, and this effectually 
 precludes its contact with your plate. 
 
 Glass wine-coolers, half filled -with water, 
 should be placed next each person at table. 
 
 Finger glasses, filled with warm water, come 
 on with the dessert. Wet a corner of your 
 napkin, and wipe your mouth, then rinse your 
 fingers ; but do not practise the filthy custom 
 of gargling your mouth at table, albeit the 
 usage prevails amongst a few, who think that, 
 because it is a foreign habit, it cannot be dis- 
 gusting. 
 
DINNERS. 4 i 
 
 The custom of drinking toasts, and of forcing 
 people to drink bumper after bumper of wine, 
 until drunkenness results, is quite banished from 
 gentlemanly society to its proper place — the 
 tavern. It arises from a mistaken idea of mak- 
 ing visitors welcome ; the Amphitryon of the 
 feast overlooking the fact of its being much more 
 hospitable to allow his guests to do as they 
 please, and to take only as much wine as they 
 may feel convenient or agreeable. It is but a 
 miserable boast, that a man has sufficient 
 ^strength of stomach to sit his companions 
 *^ under the table." 
 
 / Never pare an apple or a pear for a lady 
 unless she desire you, and then be careful to 
 use your fork to hold it; you may sometimes 
 offer to divide a very large pear with or for a 
 person. 
 
48 HINTS CN ETIQ,UETTE. 
 
 At some of the best houses, coffee is brought 
 into the dining-room before the gentlemen quit 
 the table — a very good custom, as it gently 
 prevents excess, the guests retiring to the ladies 
 immediately afterwards ; it also allows those who 
 have other engagements to take coffee before 
 they quit the hou^e. Coffee should be brought 
 in at an hour previously appointed, without the 
 hell being rung for it, but a sufficient interval 
 must be allowed, lest the wrrst seem chary of his 
 wine. For instance, nine o'clock is a good hour 
 if the dinner were at six ; or ten o'clock for one 
 which commenced at seven. 
 
 At present, coffee is not brought into the 
 dining-room in fashionable houses, except when 
 a small party, intending to go to a theatre, are 
 pressed for time — it is always served in the 
 
DINNERS. 49 
 
 drawing-room. Nevertheless, the former is a 
 very excellent arrangement in country houses, for 
 very obvious reasons. 
 
 Coffee, on the Continent, and sometimes in 
 England, is follovi^ed by liqueurs of two or three 
 kinds, which are left to the choice of the guests, \y 
 and are poured into very small glasses — an 
 unnecessary custom, not to be advocateJ in 
 res^ectabky but only in ^^high^^ society. 
 
 Do not suppose that it will exalt you in the 
 opinion of others, by speaking harshly and 
 imperatively to servants, or add at all to your 
 consequence. Never order other people's ser- 
 vants about. At a strange table, say "if you 
 please," and " thank you ; " it may be said in 
 a manner that will not encourage familiarity. 
 5 
 
50 HINTS ON ETIQUETTE. 
 
 Should your servants break any thing while 
 you are at table, never turn round, or inquire 
 into the particulars, however annoyed you may 
 feel. If your servants betray stupidity or 
 awkwardness in waiting on your guests, avoid 
 reprimanding them publicly, as it only draws 
 attention to their errors, and adds to their 
 embarrassment. 
 
 Nothing indicates a well-bred man more than 
 a proper mode of eating his dinner. A man 
 may pass muster by dressing well, and may 
 sustain himself tolerably in conversation ; but 
 if he be not perfectly "au fait," dinner will 
 betray him. 
 
 It is a piece of superlative folly for men who 
 dine at a house to take their round hats into the 
 
DINNERS. 51 
 
 drawing-room: it answers no purpose at all; 
 and the necessity of giving them to a servant 
 on entering the dinner room, creates confusion. 
 Men of fashion, nevertheless, invariably take 
 their hats into the drawing-room, where they 
 are left when people go to dinner, and whence 
 they are removed by the servants, and placed 
 m the ante-room or vestibule. 
 
 Invitations to dine should be answered to the 
 lady. Invitations to a ball should be in the 
 lady's name, and the answer of course sent 
 to her. 
 
 It is customary, when you have been out 
 dining, to leave a card upon the lady the next 
 day, or as soon after as may be convenient. 
 
52 HINTS ON ETK^UETTE. 
 
 Attentions of this sort are not to be expected 
 from professional men, as Doctors, Lawyers, &c.j 
 their time being too valuable to sacrifice in 
 making visits of mere ceremony ; therefore, do 
 not attribute such omission to any want of 
 respect, but to its proper cause — time more 
 usefully occupied 
 
 When a man is about to be married, he 
 usually gives a dinner to his bachelor friends ; 
 which is understood to be their conge, unless he 
 choose to renew their acquaintance. 
 
53 
 
 CHAP. V. 
 
 SMOKING. 
 
 If you are so unfortunate as to have con- 
 tracted the J93^ habit of smoking, be careful to 
 practise it under certain restrictions ; at least, so 
 long as you are desirous of being considered fit 
 for civilized society. 
 
 The first mark of a gentleman is a sensitive 
 regard for the feehngs of others; therefore, 
 smoke where it is least likely to prove personally 
 offensive by making your clothes smell ; then 
 wash your mouth, and brush your teeth. What 
 man of delicacy could presume to address a lady 
 
64 HINTS ON ETK^UETTE 
 
 with his breath smelling of onions ? Yet to- 
 bacco is equally oaious. The tobacco smoker, 
 in public, is the most selfish animal imaginable ; 
 he perseveres in contaminating the pure and 
 fragrant air, careless whom he annoys, and is 
 but the fitting inmate of a tavern. 
 
 Smoking in the streets, or in^ a theatre, is 
 only practised by shop-boys, pseudo-fashionables 
 — and the "swell mob." 
 
 All songs that you may see written in praise 
 of smoking in magazines or newspapers, or hear 
 sung upon the stage, are puffs, paid for by the 
 proprietors of cigar divans and tobacco shops, 
 to make their trade popular, — therefore, never 
 believe nor be deluded by them. 
 
SMOKING. 55 
 
 Chewing tobacco is an abominable habit, 
 which has ascended to the better ranks in 
 America from those "ancient mariners" who 
 were the followers of the original settlers. It 
 is a custom, therefore, essentially vulgar — often 
 lamented, indeed, by those unfortunate enough 
 to practise it, yet who are without the strength 
 of mind sufficient to discontinue it. The spit- 
 ting consequent on chewing tobacco, has been 
 made matter of grave comment, or of well- 
 founded ridicule, by all foreigners who have 
 visited the United States. It is, indeed, directly 
 at variance with all the decencies of Ufe. What 
 an article is a spittoon as an appendage to a 
 handsomely furnished drawing-room! what a 
 nasty receptacle for a secretion entirely the 
 result of an unnecessary practice ! Half the 
 
66 HINTS ON ETK^UETTE. 
 
 consumptions in America are brought on by 
 people spitting up their lungs. Besides, how 
 few men would like to "do the sentimental" to 
 a lady given to "chaw"! Gentlemen, then, 
 should reverse the case, and ask themselves 
 whether ladies would not, at all times, give a 
 preference to those who are not addicted to so 
 disagreeable a practice. 
 
 In public places, too, only reflect on the 
 offensive necessity of stepping over pools of 
 . J brown spittle ! or the still more disgusting task 
 of wading through it! The first step towards 
 becoming " gentlemen " is the abandonment of 
 habits universally reprobated in civilized life. 
 
 Never be seen in cigar divans or billiard 
 
h SMOKING. 57 
 
 rooms ; they are frequented, at best, by an 
 equivocal set. Nothing good can be gained 
 there — and a man loses nis respectability by 
 being seen entering or coming out of such 
 places. 
 
58 
 
 CHAP. VI. 
 
 SNUFP. 
 
 As snuff-laking is merely an idle, dirty habit, 
 practised by stupid people in the una\ ailing 
 endeavor to clear their stolid intellect, and is 
 not a custom particularly offensive to their 
 neighbors, it may be left to each individual taste 
 as to whether it be continued or not. An 
 " Elegant " cannot take much snuff without 
 decidedly ^Mosing caste.'' 
 
 "Doctor," said an old gentleman, who was 
 an inveterate snuff-taker, to a physician, " is it 
 
SNUFF. 59 
 
 true that snuff destroys the olfactory nerves, 
 clogs, and otherwise injures the brain ? " " It 
 cannot be true/' was the caustic reply, " since 
 those who have any brains never take snuff 
 at alV 
 
 ^ 
 
60 
 
 CHAP. Vll. 
 
 FASHION. 
 
 But few things betray greater imbecility of 
 mind than a servile imitation of the extrava- 
 gancefe of any fashionable monster. A man 
 possessed of the delicate and proper feelings of 
 a gentleman would deem himself degraded by 
 copying another, even to the curling of a 
 whisker, or the tie of a cravat ; as, by so doing, 
 he could only show the world of how little 
 importance he felt himself, and the very poor 
 opinion he entertained of his own taste. 
 
 Fashion and gentility are very distinct thingi 
 
 # 
 
FASHION. 61 
 
 -^for which reason, people, really of the highest 
 rank, are too proud to become martyrs to any 
 prevailing mode ; and the man of true taste will 
 limit his compliance with the caprices of fashion 
 to not appearing equally conspicuous for its 
 utter neglect. 
 
62 
 
 CHAP. VIIL 
 
 DRESS. 
 
 It is bad taste to aress m the extreme of 
 fashion ; and, in general, those only do so who 
 have no other claim to distinction, — leave it, 
 in these times, to shopmen and pickpockets. 
 There are certain occasion^, however, when you 
 may dress as gaily as you please, observing the 
 maxim of the ancient poet, to be " great on 
 great occasions." Men often think, when they 
 wear a fashionably-cut coat, an embroidered 
 waistcoat, with a profusion of chains and other 
 trinkets, that they are well dressed, entirely 
 overlooking the less obtrusive, but more certain, 
 
DRESS, X^^V^ OV TRk" "63"\ 
 
 QIFIVEESITY) 
 
 marks of a refined taste. ^The- grand joints arc 
 — well-made shoes, clean gloves, a White pocket 
 handkerchief, and, above all, iin easy and grace- 
 ful deportment. 
 
 Overdressing themselves, is a very serious evil ~^, 
 in the young men of America, "who usually look \ 
 as if they had come out of a bandbox. It 
 should not be overlooked, that those people who \ 
 overstudy their dress, are conscious of their 
 inferiority, and hope by such means to raise 
 themselves in the public estimation. They have 
 so very poor an opinion of their own importance, 
 as to believe that they require outside show, in 
 order to attract any notice at all. How much 
 better would it be for them to study politeness 
 and real refinement instead ! Only recol ect how 
 disadvantageous the reaction is, when, on con- 
 
64 HINTS ON ETK^UETTE. 
 
 versing with a fashionably-dressed man, you 
 discover that his conversation is far below his 
 appearance, whilst his ungrammatical or inel- 
 egant expressions at once point him out as 
 belonging to an inferior order of society. The 
 man of unpretenaing exterior escapes all this, 
 whilst all must have noticed how much a simply- 
 dressed man rises in importance, when we dis- 
 cover that his quiet costume covers ability, edu- 
 cation, and true refinement. 
 
 Do not affect singularity in dress, by wearing 
 out-of-the-way hats, or gaudy waistcoats, &c., 
 and so become contemptibly conspicuous ; 
 nothing is more easy than to attract attention 
 in such a manner, since it requires neither sense 
 nor taste. A shrewd old gentleman said of 
 one of these " ninnies," that " he would rather 
 
 i 
 
DRESS. 65 
 
 he taken for a fool, than not he noticed 
 at alV 
 
 A dress perfectly suited to a tall, good-looking 
 man, may render one who is neither, ridiculous ; 
 as, althoiigh the former may wear a remarkable 
 waistcoat, or singular coat, almost with impunity, 
 the latter, by adopting a similar costume, 
 exposes himself to the laughter of all who see 
 him. An unassuming simplicity in dress should 
 always be preferred, as it prepossesses every one 
 in favor of the wearer. 
 
 i Never affect the " ruffianly " style of dress, 
 unless, as some excuse, you hold a brilliant 
 position in society. A nobleman, or an exceed- 
 ingly elegant and refined man, is sometimes 
 ^oolish enough to disguise himself, and assume 
 6« 
 
66 HINTS ON ETICtUETTE. 
 
 the ^'ruffian," as it amuses him to mark the 
 surprise of people at the contrast between his 
 appearance and his manners ; but if you have no 
 such pretensions, let your' costume be as unos- 
 tentatious as possible, lest people only remark 
 tliat ^' your dress is as coarse as your mindy 
 
 There is nothing, indeed, so vulgar, nor so 
 indicative of an equivocal person, as a man 
 being extremely ^* fashionable " in his dress, 
 when unaccompanied by the adjuncts du hon 
 ton, or the appointments of a gentleman. An 
 Elegant in a curricle does very well ; but a 
 " Swell in a bus," is always a person of doubtful 
 position. The huge, brilliant shirt-pin, which 
 sparkles in the breast of a Jew stockbroker, is 
 vulgar from its very size ; whilst the ci/e of a 
 gcnilcmariy however poor he may be^ is a gem 
 
DRESS. 67 
 
 which positioiv has given him, as a counter- 
 balance to the assumption which too often 
 accompanies meanly acquired wealth, and carries 
 with it a command which the parvenu mil- 
 lionaire w^ould give his largest diamond to ac- 
 quire. Never forget that its power may 
 occasionally be useful to repress impertinent 
 advances. 
 
 Always wear your gloves in church or in a 
 theatre. 
 
 Avoid wearing jewelry, unless it be in very 
 good taste, and then only at proper seasons. 
 This is the age of mosaic gold and other trash ; 
 ^nd by dint of swindfing, any one may become 
 " flashy " at a small expense. Recollect that 
 every shop-boy can coarsely imitate your " out- 
 
68 HINTS ON ETIQ,UETTE. 
 
 ward and visible sign," if he choose to save his 
 money for that purpose. If you will stand out 
 in " high and bold relief," endeavor to become 
 eminent for some virtue or talent, that people 
 may say, " There goes the celebrated (not the 
 7iotorious) Mr. So-and-so. 
 
 It is a delicate subject to hint at the incon- 
 gruities of a lady's dress, — yet, alas! it forces 
 itself upon our notice when we see a female 
 attired with elaborate gorgeousness, picking her 
 steps along the sloppy streets, after a week's 
 siiow and a three days' thaw, ivalkiiig in a dress 
 only fit for a carriage. When country people 
 visit London, and see a lady enveloped in ermine 
 and velvets, reclining in a carriage, they are a'pt 
 to imagine it is the fashionable dress, and adopt 
 it accordingly, overlooking the coronet em- 
 
DK£:ss. 69 
 
 blazoned on the panels, and that its occupant is 
 a duchess or a marchioness at the least, and that 
 were the same person to walk, she would be in a 
 very different costume, and then only attended 
 by a footman. 
 
 Ladies of good taste seldom wear jewelry m 
 the morning ; and when they do, they confine 
 themselves to trinkets of gold, or those in which 
 opaque stones only are introduced. Ornaments 
 with brilliant stones are unsuited for a mornmg 
 costume. 
 
70 
 
 CHAP. IX. 
 
 OF MUSIC IN GENERAL SOCIETY. 
 
 It is the misfortune of musical people gen- 
 erally to be such enthusiasts, that, once begin- 
 ning, they seldom know when to leave off: 
 ther6 are few things a greater scccatura than a 
 long " Concerto," or duett upon the pianoforte, 
 or an ^' Air with (endless) variations." The 
 listeners get fidgetty and tired, although they are 
 usually too polite to say so. I once sat next to 
 a foreigner, who had endured with exemplary 
 patience a tedious " Concerto," and who, when 
 it was finished, applauded vehemently, then, 
 
OF MUS# IN GENERAL SOCIETY. 71 
 
 turning round to me with a droll expression of 
 coLntenance, said, '^ perche si finisceJ^ * 
 
 Nothing, however, is more rude than to con- 
 verse whilst people are singing. If you do not 
 like music sufficiently to listen to it, you should 
 remember that others may do so, and that not 
 only do you interrupt their enjoyment of it, but 
 you offer an offence to the singers. 
 
 A song now and then is very desirable, as it is 
 a relief to conversation, but half a dozen con- 
 secutively, even from St. Cecilia in person, 
 would become a bore ; besides which, people 
 are now accustomed to hear popular songs exe- 
 cuted by those whose profession it is, with a 
 
 * *Becaus? it's finished." 
 
72 HINTS ON ETIQ.UETTE. 
 
 N 
 
 superiority rarely attainable in private life, so thai 
 amateurs seldom do more than provoke unfortu- 
 nate comparisons. However, when highly-gifted 
 musicians arc found in private society, we have 
 generally observed their delicacy to be in propor- 
 tion to their excellence. 
 
 But the case is much worse when a profes- 
 sional " violinist " is admitted into a private 
 party: he either flourishes away, unconscious 
 that he is not in an orchestra, or else, desirous to 
 prove his superiority over the '^ dilettanti, ^^ he 
 overpowers them with a tone which might fill a 
 cathedral. The best fiddles scream too much in 
 (comparatively) small rooms, however delicately 
 they may be played ; besides that few even of 
 the first English musicians seem to understand 
 what an ^* accompaniment " really means, each 
 
OF MUSIC IN GENERAL. SOCIETY. 73 
 
 performer being too intent on making his par- 
 ticular instrument heard above the rest, to care 
 about the subject, or to feel that an " accompa- 
 niment" should be subdued, and subservient to 
 the voice. 
 
 We once heard the silver tones of an exqui- 
 site singer completely overpowered, between the 
 shriekings of a fiddle, the vain-glorious grum- 
 blings of a violoncello, and the wheezings of^a- 
 dyspeptic flute. 
 
74 
 
 CHAP/ X 
 
 DANCING. 
 
 With the etiquette of a ball-room, so far as 
 it goes, there are but few people unacquainted. 
 Certain persons are appointed to act as stewards, 
 or there will be a "master of the ceremonies," 
 whose office it is to see that every thing be con- 
 ducted in a proper manner ; if you are entirely 
 a stranger, it is to them you must apply for a 
 > partner, and point out (quietly) any young lady 
 with whom you should like to dance, when, if 
 there be no obvious inequality of rank, they will 
 present you for that purpose ; should there be 
 an objection, they will probably select some one 
 
DANCIUCr. 75 
 
 they consider more suitable ; but do not, on any 
 account, go to a strange lady by yourself, and 
 request her to dance, as she will unhesitatingly 
 "decline the honor," and think you an imper- 
 tinent fellow for your presumption. 
 
 Any presentation to a lady in a public ball- 
 room, for the mere purpose of dancing, does not 
 entitle you to claim her acquaintance afterwards ; 
 therefore, should you meet her the next day, do 
 not attempt to address her. At most, you may 
 lift your hat; but even that is better avoided, — 
 unless, indeed, she first bow, — as neither she 
 
 
 
 nor her friends can know who or what you are. 
 
 In France, Italy, Germany and Russia, gentle- 
 men invariably take off their h^ts to everj lady 
 in whose society they had ever previously been, 
 
76 HINTS ON ETIQUETTE. 
 
 even though no introduction had taken place; 
 but they do not consider themselves authorized 
 to address a lady in conversation to whom they 
 have hot been presented. This is surely the 
 usage most consistent with true politeness 
 towards women. 
 
 Do not wear hlnck or colored gloves, lest your 
 partner look sulky ; even should you be in 
 mourning, wear white gloves, not Hack, People 
 in DEEP mourning have no business in a ball- 
 room at all. 
 
 Lead the lady through the quadrille ; do not 
 drag her, nor clasp her hand as if it were made 
 of wood, lest she not unjustly think you a boor. 
 
 You will not, if you are wise, stand up in 
 
DANCING. 77 
 
 a quadrille without knowing something of the 
 figure; and if you are master of a few of the 
 steps, so much the better. But dance quietly ; do 
 not kick and caper about, nor sway your body to 
 and fro ; da nce only from the hips do wnwards ; 
 and lead the lady as lightly as you would tread 
 a measure with a spirit of gossamer. 
 
 Do not pride yourself on doing " steps neatly," 
 unless you are ambitious of being taken for a 
 dancing-master; between whose motions and 
 those of a gentleman there is a great difference. 
 
 If a lady should civilly decline to dance with 
 you, making an excuse, and you chance to see 
 her dancing afterwards, do not take any notice 
 of it, nor be offended with her. It might not 
 be that she despised you^ but that she j^rcjerred 
 7* 
 
78 HINTS ON ETIQUETTE. 
 
 i 
 
 another. We cannot always fathom the hidden 
 springs which influence a woman's actions, and 
 there are many bursting hearts within white satin 
 dresses ; therefore do not insist upon the fulfil- 
 ment of established regulations " de rigueur." 
 Besides, it is a hard case that women should be 
 compelled to dance with every body oflered 
 them, at the alternat^e of not being allowed to 
 enjoy themselves at all. 
 
 If a friend be engaged when you request her 
 to dance, and slie promises to be your partner 
 for the next or any of the following dances, do 
 not neglect her when the time comes, but be in 
 readiness to fulfil your office as her cavalier, or 
 she may think that you have studiously slighted 
 her, besides preventing her obliging some one 
 else. Even inattention and forgetfuhiess, by 
 
DANCING. 79 
 
 showing, how little you care for a lady, form* in 
 themselves a tacit insult. 
 
 If a lady waltz with you, beware not to press 
 her waist ; you must only lightly touch it with 
 the open palm of your hand, lest you leave a 
 disagreeable impression not only on her ceinturc, 
 but on her mind. 
 
 Above all, do not be prone to quarrel in a 
 ball-room ; it disturbs the harmony of the com- 
 pany, and should be avoided, if possible. 
 Recollect that a thousand little derelictions from 
 strict propriety may occur through the igno- 
 rance or stupidity of the aggressor, and not 
 from any intention to annoy ; remember, also, 
 that realhj well-bred women will not thank you 
 for making them conspicuous by over-officious- 
 
50 HINTS ON ETIQ,UETTE. 
 
 ness in their defence, unless, indeed, there be 
 any serious or glaring violation of decorum. In 
 small matters, ladies are both able and willing to 
 take care of themselves, and would prefer being 
 allowed to overwhelm the unlucky offender in 
 their own way. 
 
 If, while walking up and down a public 
 promenade, you should meet friends or ac- 
 quaintances whom you do not intend to 
 join, it is only necessary to salute them the 
 Jirst time of passing ; to bow or to nod to them 
 every round would be tiresome, and therefore 
 improper; do not be afraid that they will 
 think you odd or unfriendly, as, if they huve 
 any sense at all, they will appreciate your 
 reasons. If you have any thing to say to them, 
 join them at once. 
 
ei 
 
 CHAP. XL 
 
 CONVERSATION. 
 
 Many men of talent forget that the object 
 of conversation is to entertain and amuse, 
 and that society, to be agreeable, must never 
 be made the arena of dispute. Some persons 
 spoil every party they join by making it their 
 only object to prove that every one present is in 
 the wrong but themselves. 
 
 It requires so much tact and good-breeding to 
 sustain an argument, however logical and correct 
 the arguer may be, that an avoidance of it will 
 
82 HINTS ON ETIQ^UETTE. 
 
 gain him more popularity than a triumph over 
 his adversary could accomplish. 
 
 Even slight inaccuracy in statement of facts 
 or opinions should rarely be remarked on in 
 conversation. 
 
 A man should never permit himself to lose 
 his temper in society — not shoio that he has 
 taken offence at any supposed slight — it 
 places him in a disadvantageous position — 
 betraying an absence of self-respect, — or ai 
 the least of self-possession. 
 
 If a "puppy" adopt a disagreeable tone of 
 voice — or offensive manner towards you — never 
 resent it at the time — and above all do not adopt 
 the same style in your conversation with him ; 
 
CONVERSATION. 83 
 
 appear not to notice it, and generally it will be 
 iiscontinued, as it will be seen that it has failed 
 in its object ; besides which — you save voia 
 emper. 
 
 Be careful in company how you defend your . 
 friends, unless the conversation be addressed to 
 yourself. Remember that nobody is perfect, 
 and people may sometimes speak the truth ; and 
 that, if contradicted, they may be desirous of 
 justifying themselves, and will prove what might 
 otherwise have been a matter of doubt. 
 
 Wit elicits wit; and when such brilliant 
 materials meet, they form the flint and steel of 
 conversation ; appreciation is the tinder, which, 
 though not bright in itself, receives and cher- 
 ishes the scintillations as they fall Who has 
 
"84 HINTS ON ETIQUETTE. 
 
 not felt his intellect expand with the assurance 
 of havinj^ what he says understood ? Apprecia- 
 tion certainly is a talent. 
 
 Never offer to confer on a person an act of 
 civility or attention, and then neglect to carry 
 it into effect, since there cannot be a greater 
 impertinence — and the other party will with 
 great justice feel offended. 
 
 Not to offer an easy act of courtesy, mar/ be 
 ungracious, but no one can reasonably quarrel 
 with you for choosing to withhold it. The offer, 
 however, once made, the case assumes a very 
 different aspect, and you may very properly be 
 called on to state your reasons for its non-fulfil- 
 ment, since the other party may rationally as- 
 sume those reasons to be injurious to themselves 
 
CONVERSATION. 85 
 
 Never "talk at people'' — it is in the worst 
 possible taste, as it is taking an unfair advantage 
 of them ; if there be any thing you dislike, " out 
 with it If old 1 1/, ^' and give tliem an opportunity of 
 explaining, or of defending themselves, — or else 
 be silent. 
 
 Do not say a person is "affable," unless he or 
 she be of very high rank, as it implies conde- 
 scension. PwOYAL personages are "gracious." 
 
 Do not repeat the name of the person to 
 whom you are speaking, as, — " Indeed, Mr. 
 Stubbs, you don't say so. Sir," — or, " Really, 
 Mrs. Fidkins, I quite agree with you, Mrs. 
 Fidkins." It is a sufficiently bad habit in an 
 equal, but in one of lower rank it becomes an 
 impertinence. 
 
 8 
 
I 
 
 86 HINTS ON ETIQ,UETTE. 
 
 In talking of your own children, never speak 
 of them as ''Master William," or ''Miss Jane;" 
 " Mr. Henry " or " Miss Louisa : " it is a 
 'miserable attempt to elevate both them and 
 yourself, which will assuredly fail, as it is prac- 
 tised by those only who have recently risen above 
 that dingy .mass of mediocrity — "the multi- 
 tude ; " leave it, therefore, to others to pay them 
 so proper a mark of respect, secure that none 
 but very intimate friends will take the liberty of 
 
 calling them plain " Mary " or " Edward ; " 
 
 this is an important caution, as it is generally 
 the first error committed by the " nouveaux 
 riches,^' 
 
 With American ladies of the second class, 
 there is a great proneness to construe the com- 
 monest expressions and words into having 
 
CONVERSATION. 87 
 
 indelicate meanings — to realize, indeed, the 
 sailor's axiom of being " nasty nice," or virtually 
 to embody Swift's biting truism, that "the 
 nicest people have the nastiest ideas." The ^ 
 truth is, that, in America, female delicacy has 
 become morbid, and has gone beyond that whole- 
 some propriety of feeling, which distinguishes \/ 
 betwe^'n an intended grossness, and a word 
 which is fully understood to have no other 
 meaning than that which it expresses. Extreme 
 delicacy borders closely on indelicacy, and a 
 gentleman, especially an Englishman, is some- 
 times compelled to rack his brains in order to 
 discover how that which he has said can be so 
 distorted from its true meaning; and the dis- 
 covery, when made, however it may amuse him 
 at its ingenuity, rarely elevates the lady in his 
 opinion, but rather astonishes him at the gross- 
 
88 HINTS ON ETIQUETTE. 
 
 ness of sentiment which it implies, and which 
 must have existed in her mind before she was 
 gauche enough to let. it appear. If any thing 
 reaily equivocal be said, the lady sliould be the 
 last to let it he known that she understands it. 
 
 As a sequence to this, may be noticed a 
 ludicrously vulgar refinement of speech, common 
 to pseudo elegants, namely, the use of synonymes 
 so awfully select, as might well astound even a 
 Crabbe. We heard of one young man in 
 America, who, desiring some "stuffing'' with 
 his turkey, asked for "some of the inser- 
 tion''^ I ! ! which was exquisite refinement, with 
 a vengeance. The fact is, that the old joke 
 of " decapitating the luminaries," for snuffing 
 the candles, is continually and seriously being 
 realized in America, Really well-educated 
 
CONVERSATION. 89 
 
 people, conscious that their acquircmenis cannot 
 be disputed, are infinitely more careless in their 
 expressions, than those less favored ; whilst the 
 elevated (not inflated) style, occasionally neces- 
 sary in literature, would be considered, by 
 gentlemen, vulgarly pedantic in ordinary society. 
 The educated man can afford to descend, whilst 
 the more refined a person of doubtful position 
 may be, the greater is the suspicion of its being 
 genuine. Young men should avoid using avow- 
 edly vulgar expressions, but be equally careful 
 not to stick their '^ parts of speech " on stilts so 
 high, as to prevent their descending again to 
 the simplicity of social conversation. In Boston, 
 poor Fanny Kemble became the subject of much 
 animadversion, for using the word " dawdling," 
 which simply implies '' laziness," ojid nothing 
 else. The acquirements of one so gifted, and 
 8* 
 
90 HINTS ON ETIQ,UETTE. 
 
 I superior in intellect to the average of her sex. 
 should have been sufficient to shield her from 
 such absurd and underbred criticism 
 
 Above all things, do not mistake stiffness for 
 dignity ; the very spirit of good-breeding consists 
 in being easy and natural yourself — and in the 
 endeavor to make others the same. Etiquette 
 is only the armour of society ; and when your 
 position is fairly established, it may be thrown 
 aside, at least so far as is consistent with good 
 feeling and decorum. 
 
 Avoid a loud tone of voice in conversation, or 
 a " horse laugh : " both are exceedingly vulgar ; 
 and if practised, strangers may think that you 
 have been "cad" to an omnibus. There is a 
 slightly subdued patrician tone of voice, which 
 
CONVERSATION. 91 
 
 we feai can only be acquired in good society. 
 Be cautious also how you take the lead in con- 
 versation, unless it be forced upon you, lest 
 people reiterate the remark made on a certain 
 occasion upon that '^ Brummagem " Johnson, 
 Doctor Parr, — that " he was like a great toe in 
 society ; the most ignoble part of the body, yet 
 ever thrust foremost J' 
 
 Be very careful how you "show off" in 
 strange company, unless you be thoroughly con- 
 versant with your subject, as you are never sure 
 of the person next to whom you may be seated. 
 It is a common occurrence for young gentlemen 
 of very shallow pretensions indeed, to endeavor 
 to astonish country society, never dreaming that 
 experienced London men may be present, when 
 an exposure most probably follows as a penalty 
 
92 HINTS ON ETKtUETTE. 
 
 for their presumption. For instance — never 
 talk largely of the ''Opera," — "Pasta, Grisi, 
 Lablache,'' &c., on the strength of having been 
 there once or twice only, lest you unwittingly 
 address some old frequenter of the theatre, who 
 has for the last twenty years been accustomed to 
 hear all the " Primi cantanti, serii e bujji,^^ and 
 who will, most likely, have every opera, its 
 " casts," and music, at his tongue's end ; neither 
 talk learnedly of pictures, — '-bits," "effects," 
 or of "masters," — "Titian," " Pwubens," Slc, 
 from the very slight information to be obtained 
 from copies or engravings, for Icar some sly old 
 fellow, who is conversant with all the " collec- 
 tions " from " Dan to Beersheba," should be 
 malicious enough to analyze^ your knowledge ; 
 indeed, as the consciousness of ignorance is apt 
 to make people peculiarly sensitive, it would be 
 
CONVERSATION. 93 
 
 as well to avoid all subjects with whicli you 
 Imow the generality of persons present cannot he 
 acquainted ; for, as the mere introduction of such 
 topics will be considered and resented as an 
 assumption on your part, should you happen to 
 be vanquished on your own ground, your defeat 
 will be relished proportionably. Remember that, 
 if tjou are quiet in society, you will, at least, have 
 credit for discretion, and be more likely to 
 escape annoyance ; it is display alone that courts 
 publicity and provokes criticism. It would 
 astonish and frighten the mock brilliants we so 
 often meet, could they but know how quickly 
 and infallibly the practised eye will detect their 
 position in the world, in spite of the gaudy lacker 
 spread over (in the hope of concealing) a homely 
 material ; m such cases, gorgeous vestments act 
 but as conductors to the coarse shirt, and clumsy 
 
94 HINTS ON ETIQUETTE. 
 
 ill-made boots — such as a gentleman could not 
 wear; the vulgar pronunciation of one word, 
 or an awkward undrilled walk, is sufficient to 
 render more than doubtful the legitimacy of the 
 most captivating exterior. 
 
 It is a matter of observation, that there are so 
 few people who know how to walk properly, 
 and who do not ''get along" with a Ibunging 
 ^^ slewing ^^ gait; also the many pseudo '' mili- • 
 taires," who appear never to have known, that 
 to carry themselves erect — to step well — and 
 to turn out their toes — are amongst the earliest 
 and most indispensable preparations for a mil- 
 itary life. 
 
 There cannot be a custom more vulgar or 
 offensive than that of taking a person aside to 
 
CONVERSATION "^^ OV TB^ 9& \ 
 
 whisper in a room with compMjjJ^etjS^^ 
 ness is of frequent occurrence —^^drnt 
 persons who ought to know better. 
 
 Lounging on sofas, or reclining in chairs 
 when in society, as if in the privacy of one's 
 own dressing-room or study, is always consid- 
 ered indecorous ; but in the presence of ladies 
 is deemed extremely vulgar. 
 
 There are but few things that display worse 
 taste than the introduction of professional topics 
 in general conversation, especially if there be 
 ladies present ; the minds of those men must be 
 miserably ill-stored, who cannot find other sub- 
 jects for conversation than their own profes- 
 sions. Who has not felt this on having been 
 compelled to listen to " clerical slang," musty 
 
96 HINTS ON ETIQUETTE. 
 
 CO lege jokes, and anecdotes divested of all 
 interest beyond the atmosphere of an uni- 
 versity ; or " law " jokes, with " good stories " 
 of " learned counsel ; " *' long yarns ; " or the 
 equally tiresome muster-roll of "our regiment'' 
 — colonels dead, maimed majors retired on 
 pensions, subs lost or " exchanged," gravitating 
 between Boulogne and the King's Bench ? — 
 All such exclusive topics are signs either of a 
 ' limited intellect, or the most lamentable igno- 
 rance. 
 
 Making the " sports of the field," or anec- 
 dotes of the clubs, the topics of conversation 
 in female society, will subject a man to the 
 imputation of having a very mauvais ton ; in- 
 deed, people should be careful not to introduce 
 topics that have only a local interest, and not to 
 
CONVERSATION. 97 
 
 speak slightingly of those who are the friends 
 of any of the guests. 
 
 Mothers should be on their guard not to 
 repeat nursery anecdotes or hon-jnots, as, how- 
 ever interesting to themselves, they are seldom 
 so to others. Long stories should always be 
 avoided, as, however well told, they interrupt 
 general conversation, and leave the impression 
 that the narrator thought the circle dull, and 
 consequently endeavored to amuse it. 
 
 An exceedingly vulgar custom prevails in 
 the northern part of England, — that of women 
 using the titles of their husbands as marks of 
 disthiction to themselves; being spoken of, or 
 written to, and even having printed on their 
 cards, <• Mrs. Cap. Guhbins/' '' Mrs. Dr. Bo- 
 9 
 
08 HINTS ON ETiqUETTE* 
 
 raj," or the more balmy and euphonious appel- 
 lation of '' Mrs. Col. Figgins/^ (generally the 
 flaxen-haired owner of a bilious Colonel, from 
 "Choultry Plains," and late of Cheltenham.) 
 It springs from a desire to sliovv the world how 
 much they are exalted by their husbands' rank 
 above the '^Muggs" and *' Jenkinses " of low 
 hfe. How oddly "Mrs. Alderman Tibbs," or 
 " Mrs. Churchwarden Hobbs," would sound ! 
 To such an extent is this desire for title carried, 
 that at Aberdeen a row of dram-shops near the 
 Pier is placarded as being kept by " Mrs. Cap- 
 tain Gordon," " Mrs. Captain M'Dougal," &,c., 
 being the consorts of the " masters " of the 
 trading smacks. The proper mode of distin- 
 guishing the wives of various members, of the 
 same family is by using the Christian name ; 
 as Mrs. Edward, Mrs. James, &c., as the case 
 may be 
 
CONVERSATION. 99 
 
 Never use the term ^^ genteel.'^ Do not speak 
 of '' genteel people ; ^^ it is a low estimate of 
 good-breedmg, used only by vulgar persons, and 
 from their lips implies that union of finery, flip- 
 pancy, and affectation, often found in those but 
 one remove from " hewers of wood and drawers 
 of water." Substitute " ludl-bred person,^^ " man- 
 ners of a genilewomany^ or of ''' a genikman^^' 
 instead. 
 
 Never use the initial of a person's name- to 
 designate him ; as '' Mr. P.," '' Mrs. C," " Miss 
 W.," Slc, Nothing is more abominable than 
 to hear a woman speak of her husband as 
 *^Mr. B." 
 
 In speaking to ladies of title, do not say -^my 
 lady," it being only proper for servants and 
 
100 HINTS ON ETK^UETTE. 
 
 tradespeople so to do ; you may occasionally 
 say '^ your ladyship," as it shows that you are 
 aware of their claim to the distinction. 
 
 The fear of being thought vulgar, often drives 
 
 meritorious people who have risen by their own 
 
 exertions, into the opposite extreme, and causes 
 
 them to be superlatively delicate. Such persons 
 r 
 are shocked at the sound of '^ breeches, ^^ will 
 
 substitute '• inebriated " for " very dru7ik,^^ and 
 
 cannot be brought to allow there are such ani- 
 
 . mals as " women " in the world. 
 
 It is also a clumsy attempt at refinerrient to 
 use a particular set of words : at present we 
 have '• splendid travelling," *^ splendid gin," 
 ^^ splendid potatoes," &c. 
 
101 
 
 CHAP. XII. 
 
 ADVICE TO TRADESPEOPLE. 
 
 By tradespeople I do not mean merchants 
 or manufacturers, but shopkeepers and retailers 
 of various goods, who will do well to remember 
 that people are respectable in their own sphere 
 only, and that when they attempt to step out 
 of it they cease to he so. When exceptions are 
 made by the world, it is generally in favor of 
 briUiant genius or extraordinary acquirements, 
 and, even then, it can only be by the prevailing 
 suffi'age of society ; therefore do not attempt to 
 claim the acquaintance of those above you, lest 
 9* 
 
102 HINTS ON ETIQUETTE. 
 
 you meet a mortifying repulse. Many will say, 
 '*We are just as good as they are, and as 
 respectable." So you ari, but yet not fit 
 companions for each other. Society is divided 
 into various orders, each class having its own 
 views, its peculiar education, habits, and tastes ; 
 so that the conversation of the one would prob- 
 ably be most uninteresting to the other. It is 
 the fashion to talk of the spread of education — 
 and, so far as merely reading and writing go, it 
 is true ; but they are only the first steps to a 
 cultivated mind, and the literary acquirements 
 of a man of business, are necessarily confined 
 to reading the newspaper. He has no time for 
 any thing else ; and, however skilful in his trade, 
 cannot form an idea of that man^s mind who has 
 devoted all his energies to science or Hterature. 
 Nay, can you suppose that even the merchant 
 
ADVICE TO TRADESPEOPLE, 103 
 
 of Portland Place * and the occupant of the back 
 parlor to a butcher's shop think and feel alike ? 
 Certainly not ; and recollect also, that however 
 highly you maij estimate yourself, the world will 
 judge you by any standard rather than your 
 own. 
 
 The English are the most aristocratic dem- 
 ocrats in the world ; always endeavoring to 
 squeeze through the portals of rank and fashion, 
 and then slamming the door in the face of any 
 unfortunate devil who may happen to be behind 
 them. 
 
 " rortland Place," in London, is the residence of the 
 higher order of merchants — that class which stands next in 
 rank to the " gentry " of England; of whose families, indeed, 
 many are the scions ; — more than ignoble, yet rarely possess- 
 ing feudal claims to aristocratical distinction. 
 
104 
 
 CHAP. XIII. 
 
 VISITING. 
 
 If you arc thrown amongst fashionable 
 peoi)lc, you must not pay a visit to a lady 
 before three o'clock p. m., nor after five, as, if 
 you call before that time, you will interrupt those 
 avocations which more or less occupy every 
 JaJy in the early part of the day ; if later than 
 five o'clock, you will prevent her driving out. 
 
 This does not at all apply to America, where 
 the hours are so much earlier. It is not in- 
 tended to attempt changing the customs of a 
 country in some respects ratlonallv differing 
 
VISITING. 105 
 
 from those of Europe, but only to notice those 
 habits that can and ought to be ahered for the 
 better. 
 
 On returning visits, a card left at the house 
 is generally considered all that is necessary ; 
 but, if you are admitted, do not make a morning 
 vi.sit too long, lest you interfere with the engage- 
 ments of the mistress of the Iiouse. 
 
 Never leave your hat in the hall when you 
 pay a morning visit ; it makes you look too much 
 at home ; take it with you into the room. 
 
 If you are ^desirous of making a friendly or 
 iin professional acquaintance with a professional 
 man, either leave your card «vith him, or be 
 careful to tell him that you will be happy if he 
 
WB HINTS ON ETIi^UETTE. 
 
 will visit you. Otherwise he will, as a matter 
 of course, consider your visit to him as pnrely 
 professional, and will not run the risk of return- 
 ing a call which was not intended to be recip- 
 rocated. We have known several forward 
 professional people get into "an awkward fix" 
 by returning visits made merely in a profes- 
 sional way, and by so doing subjecting them- 
 selves to disasfrceable remarks 
 
107 
 
 CHAP. XIV 
 
 VISITING CARDS, 
 
 When a family arrive in London, they should 
 send out cards to their acquaintances to inform 
 them of that event, as well as of their address. 
 
 The names of the daughters who have been 
 oresented are to be inscribed on the cards of 
 their mothers. 
 
 One card is sufficient for a mother and 
 daughters to leave, and should there be 
 
 daughters or sisters residing with the lady called 
 
 « 
 
 on, the cornel )r corners of the card may be 
 
103 HINTS OS ETIQ,UETTE. 
 
 turned down, to signify that the visit is meant 
 for them also. 
 
 When a married lady makes a call, she may 
 leave her husband's card. 
 
 It is not unusual for persons to send cards 
 by their servants lo return visits ; but this mode 
 is considered disrespectful, excepting when it is 
 10 return thanks for " inquiries.'' 
 
 On the Continent, persons inscribe on their 
 cards " en jpersojine,^^ to show that they them- 
 selves have come, and not sent their cards. 
 Many of the English, regardless of the motive, 
 notwithstanding its being so evident, had the 
 same words written on theirs, and the persons 
 to whom these cards were sent not unfrequently 
 
VISITING CARDS. 109 
 
 had cards with " en personne " thrust into tlie 
 hands of their porter by a laquais Je place, 
 when they were in the vestibule, or entering 
 their carriages, which excited much laugliter, 
 the servants also joining in the mirth. 
 
 When a wadding takes place in a family, 
 the cards of the newly married pair are sent 
 round to all their acquaintances to apprize them 
 of the event. The cards me sent out by 
 the bridegroom to his acquaintances, and by 
 the parents of the bride to theirs. Jn some 
 instances, the cards have been united by silken 
 or silver cords ; but this mode has not been 
 adopted by people of fashion. 
 
 To those who leave cards at the residence of 
 the bride and bridegroom during their absence 
 10 
 
no HINTS ON ETK^UETTE 
 
 in the " honeymoon," cards are sent to inform 
 them of their return. 
 
 When f.ards are left for married people who 
 reside with their parents or relatives, their names 
 should be written on the cards left for them, to 
 preclude mistakes. 
 
 When persons witnout parents are married, 
 they should send their cards to their acquaint- 
 ances. 
 
 Foreign ladies always inscribe their maiden 
 names, as well as their married ones, on their 
 
 cards — as, "La Comtesse de M nee de 
 
 S ; " this explains to what family they 
 
 belong, and prevents mistakes where there are 
 others of the same name. An English lady, 
 
''ISITING CARDS. Ill 
 
 observing this mode, and wishing to adopt it, 
 left her cards with the following inscription, 
 
 *« Mrs. Popkins nee Tibbetts," to the no 
 
 small amusement of the quizzer with whom 
 they were left. 
 
 In giving dinners, endeavor to engage per- 
 sons only who are known to each other, or 
 who mutually desire to become acquainted. 
 Exceptions may be made in favor of persons 
 of acknowledged merit, or of high distinction. 
 
 In society, verbal invitations are often given 
 to balls or concerts, by persons with whom_ 
 you are only slightly acquainted, and have not 
 previously visited : in such a case, it is proper 
 to leave a card beforehand on the lady at 
 whose house the soiiee is to take place, that 
 
112 HINTS ON ETIQUETTE. 
 
 she may be made acquainted with your name 
 and intention — so that you may be expected; 
 because you may have received an invitation 
 fiom her husband, of which she was ignorant, 
 and he may not be there to present you. 
 Should it so occur, a card previously left will 
 prevent either party looking foolish, or the 
 stranger appearing '^de trop." 
 
 Some doubts having arisen, after a death, as 
 to the proper period of returning cards of 
 " thanks " for visits of condolence, we believe 
 there is no fixed time ; for, as cards of thanks 
 imply that the bereaved parties are prepared 
 to receive visitors, it must be, with them, en- 
 tirehj a matter of feeling • 
 
 In Franccj aeains, oirins, and marriages are 
 
VISITING CARDS. 1 13 
 
 announced by unsealed letters sent round by 
 the heads of the family in which the event 
 has occurred. These arc called '' leitres de 
 fairc part.^^ Those addressed to relatives are 
 written by the chef dc famille ; and those to 
 friends and acquaintances are printed. 
 
 II » 
 
114 
 
 CHAP. XV. 
 
 cauds. 
 
 Card-tables are general iy set out in a room 
 appropriated to their use, or else in the room 
 of reception, where they arc placed apart. 
 When coffee has been served, the master or 
 mistress of the house proposes cards to the 
 visitors, and those disposed to play advance to 
 the table, at which a fresh pack of cards is 
 opened, and spread, and each person intending 
 to play draws a card. The persons wlio draw 
 the highest card are excluded from tlie rubber: 
 but the four individuals who have drawn the 
 lowest, again draw cards for partners; the two 
 
CARDS. 115 
 
 highest become partners ; and the two wno 
 have drawn the lowest have the choice of 
 seats and the deal. 
 
 At the commencement of every fresh 
 rubber the players again cut for partners. 
 Wagers are made in preference with the 
 persons playing ; but if they decline to accept 
 them, a player is justilied m betting with any 
 of the spectators. 
 
 In good society it is considered mouvais ton 
 to be too punctilious c(!id exacting with regard 
 to the penalties incurred through mistakes, 
 which, in general, are only enforced at the 
 Clubs, where ^* play " is looked on as an affair 
 on the stock exchange ; where each individual 
 profits by the indiscretion of his opponent. 
 
116 niNTS ON ETKIUETTE 
 
 To lo§e without any exhibition of ill-humor, 
 and to win wllhout any symptom of exulta- 
 tion, are deemed characteristic of high breed- 
 ing and savoir vivre, and those who cannot 
 always remember this, would do well to give 
 up play. 
 
 Women should never play except for trifling 
 sums, and not even then, unless they can 
 retain the command of their temper ; she who 
 wishes to win a heart, or to retain one, should 
 never permit her admirers to behold her at 
 cards, as the anxiety fhey produce is as de 
 structive to beauty as to sentiment. 
 
117 
 
 CHAP. XVI. 
 
 TATTLING. 
 
 It has somewhere been observed that, " In 
 good society, a tacit understanding exists that 
 whatsoever conversation may take place shall 
 be to a certain degree sacred, and may not 
 honorably be carried out of it, and repeated 
 to the prejudice of the utterer." This axiom 
 cannot be too strongly inculcated ; as, if such 
 practices were allowed, all confidence would 
 be destroyed, and there would be no end to 
 the mischief caused by silly or malignant people. 
 
 Conversations ever have taken place, and 
 
118 HINTS ON ETK^UETTj:.. 
 
 ever will, in which opinions are given, and 
 motives scrutinized, truly and justly too, and 
 with decided advantage to the world, as it is 
 very often the only way in which one half of 
 mankind can be put upon their guard against 
 the other ; nevertheless, but few people would 
 be pleased to learn that their designs, their 
 foibles, or their weaknesses, had been made 
 the subject of discussion, as most men flatter 
 themselves the world will take them at what- 
 ever value they may choose to set upon 
 themselves. There are none, therefore, so 
 despicable, as those traitors to society who hurry 
 from house to house, laden with the remarks 
 made by one party upon another ; stirring up 
 discord and strengthening hatred wheresoever 
 they appear, — by whom every unguarded ex- 
 pression is distorted or magnified, and who 
 
TATTLING. 119 
 
 take a malicious pleasure (too often under the 
 guise of aflTeclion) in wounding one friend at 
 the expense of another. This is the bane of 
 country society, and falls particularlyVfaeavy on 
 those " accustomed to all the freedom of thought 
 and frankness of expression of a great capital, 
 and who find it difficult, if not impossible, to 
 adopt the caution so necessary in a small 
 community." * 
 
 Consequently, give your oicn cpinion of 
 people if you choose, but you are not at 
 liberty to repeat that of others. Only fancy 
 the result of one lady saying to another, 
 " Well, Maria, what do you think Miss Ma- 
 caw says of YOU ? She says, that you havo 
 
 * Life of Mackintosh. 
 
120 HINTS ON ETIQ,UETTE. 
 
 the thickest ankles, and tlie thinnest arms, of 
 any girl in the country ; with a contour like 
 an Alligator, and a head like a Bhon I ! ! " 
 
 Be cautious how you indulge in badinage 
 in the presence of dull, common-place people ; 
 they will either get out of temper in conse- 
 quence of taking what you say literally, or 
 else will stare and wonder at you fpr being 
 such a " strange man." '^ Poor Susan ! " said 
 a gentleman to a pretty girl. " Poor, indeed ! " 
 replied the lady, with an indignant toss of the 
 head ; " not so poor as that comes to. Papa 
 can give us something." — What an anticipa- 
 tion for the sensitive aspirant I 
 
121 
 
 CHAP. XVII. 
 
 OF GENERAL SOCIETY. 
 
 If you meet a lady of your acquaintance in 
 the street, it is her j)art to notice you first, 
 unless, indeed, you are very intimate. The 
 reason is, if you bow to a lady first, she may 
 not choose to acknowledge you, and tliere is 
 no remedy; but if she bow to you — you, as 
 a gentleman, cannot cut her. 
 
 On the Continent the fashion in this instance, 
 
 as in many others, is exactly the reverse. No 
 
 lady, however intimate you may be with her, 
 
 will acknowledge your acquaintance la the 
 
 11 
 
122 HINTS ON ETTQ^TTETTE. 
 
 street, unless you are the first to honor her, 
 with a bow of recognition. It must be obvi- 
 ous, however, to all thinking persons, that our 
 own custom is the most in accordance with 
 good taste. 
 
 Never nod to a lady in the street, neither 
 be satisfied with touching your hat, but take 
 it off, — it is a courtesy her sex demands. 
 
 Never keep your hat on when handing a 
 lady to her box or to her carriage. 
 
 Never slam the door of a box with violence, 
 nor speak loudly enough to disturb an audi- 
 ence. When you visit a lady in her box at 
 the opera, be sure to leave it when other 
 visitors enter, lest you be de irojp. 
 
OF GENERAL SOCIETr. 123 
 
 Never sit in the boxes of a theatre with 
 your hat on; it is an insult to the rest of the 
 audience, especially if there be ladies. 
 
 There is nothing in which the young would- 
 be-fine -gentleman in America more completely 
 betrays himself than by his conduct in a 
 theatre. He throws open the box-door, lounges 
 in, leaves the door o^ien, to show his indepen- 
 dence of all the rules of good-breeding, 
 and his utter want of consideration for the 
 comfort of others. He sits with his hat on ; 
 and, when tired of the performance, lounges out 
 again, leaving the box-door open, for the rest of 
 the occupants to shut af cr him. It is this 
 vulgar selfishness, so doubly conspicuous in such 
 a place, that has almost banished real gentlemen 
 from the theatre, it not being worth their while 
 
124 HINTS ON ETIQUETTE. 
 
 to create a disturbance by demanding a com- 
 pliance with rules that common politeness should 
 suggest. So they quietly withdraw themselves, 
 leaving dramatic entertainments to merchants' 
 clerks, young students, clerks in stores, and such 
 small fry as do not think it worth while to 
 qualify themselves for the society of those su- 
 perior to them, and who are shallow enough 
 to mistake vulgar swagger for fashionable Jion- 
 chala nee, txnd low-bred selfishness for republican 
 independence. 
 
 Do not insist upon pulling off your glove on 
 a very hot day when you shake hands with a 
 lady. If it be off, uhy, all very well ; but it is 
 better to run the risk of being considered un- 
 gallant, than to present a clammy ungloved hand. 
 
OF GENERAL SOCIETY. 125 
 
 Never, indeed, offer your nand, unless wi II 
 assured that it is in a presci stable state of 
 frigidity ; (or the touch of a tepid hand chills 
 the warmest feehngs. 
 
 On entering a coffee-house, and sitting down, 
 iaJce ojf your hat ; it is only a proper mark of 
 respect to your own class, towards whom you 
 i^uld i)ay the same deference you exact from 
 ot^rs. 
 
 If you meet a friend in the street — in a 
 coffee-house, shop, or indeed any public place, 
 never address Iiim hy name ; at least, not so 
 loudly as that olhers may hear it : sensitive 
 people do not like to be " shown up " to 
 strangers as ''Mr. Jones," or *' Mr. Smith," 
 and so attract disagreeable notice. Accost your 
 11* 
 
126 HINTS ON KTiqUETTE. 
 
 friend quietly ; and do not 7'oar out, " Ah ! Mr. 
 Smith ! how do you do, Mr. Smith ? " it is very 
 offensive, and shows a great want of proper 
 dehcacy. 
 
 Do not strain after great people, — for, 
 although they like the homage, inasmuch as it 
 flatters their vanity, yet they despise the dis- 
 penser of it. Pay them, however, all proj 
 respect ; but do not forget what is di 
 yourself. 
 
 proj^ 
 
 f 
 
 As a general rule — it is the place of the 
 superior in rank to speak first to the inferior. 
 
 Wlien presented to a person of high rank, 
 you should leave a card at his house the next 
 day. 
 
OF GENERAL SOCIETY. 127 
 
 If you have been in society with a noble- 
 man, and should chance to meet him again 
 elsewhere, leave it to him to speak first, or to 
 recognise you. If you claim his acquaintance, 
 you give him an opportunity of behaving 
 supercihously to you, which would be as well 
 avoided. 
 
 An unfortunate Clerk of the Treasury, who, 
 because he was in the receipt of a good salary, 
 besides being a " Triton amongst the minnows " 
 of Clapham Common,* fancied himself a great 
 man, dined at the Beef Steak Club, where he 
 sat next to a noble Duke, who, desirous of 
 
 * A common locality for government clerks and for shop- 
 keepers, wealthy enoug : to live away from their places of 
 busines3. 
 
123 HINTS ON ETICtUETTE. 
 
 putting him at case with himself, conversed 
 freely vvil'j fc-im, yet probably forgot even the 
 existence of such a person half an hour after- 
 wards. Meeting his Grace in the street some 
 days after, and encouraged by his previous 
 condescension, the hero of the quill, bent on 
 claiming his acquaintance, accosted him in a 
 familiar *• hail-fellow-well-met-ish " manner, — 
 " Ah, my Lord, how d'ye do ? " The Duke 
 looked surprised. '^ May I know. Sir, to ivhom 
 I have the honor of speaking ? " said his Grace, 
 drawing up. *' Oh 1 wliy — don't you know? 
 We dined together at the Beef Steak Club, 
 the other evening ! — Tivi Mr. Tim:»is of the 
 Treasury!!" "Then,'' said the Duke, turn- 
 ing on his heel, '' Mr. Timms of the Treas- 
 ury, I wish you a good morningJ' 
 
OF GENERAL SOCIETY. 129 
 
 Remember that all your guests are equal for 
 the time being, and have a similar claim to 
 your courtesies ; nay, if there be a difference 
 shown, those of the lesser raok require a liitle 
 more attention than the rest, that they rnay not 
 be made to feel their inferiority. 
 
 There is no more common or absurd mistake 
 tlian supposing that, because people are of high 
 rank, they cannot be vulgar ; — or that if peo- 
 ple be in an obscure station, they cannot be 
 well bred. We have seen as many instances 
 of vulgarity in a peer as could be found in a 
 grazier; and have noticed as many examples 
 of a perfect freedom from the least taint of it 
 in persons in humbh life, as could be desired 
 in a duchess. 
 
130 HINTS ON ETIQ,UETTE. 
 
 Nothing raore clearly indicates the true 
 gentleman, than a desire evinced to oblige or 
 accommodate^ whenever it is possible or reason- 
 able ; it forms the broad distinction between the 
 well-bred man of the world, and the coarse and 
 brutal crowd — the irreclaimably vulgar, — vul- 
 gar, not from their inferiority of station, but 
 because they arc coarse and brutal. Neverthe- 
 less, we often find persons so selfish and super- 
 cilious, and of so equivocal an importance, that 
 they fancy any compliance with the wishes of 
 the many, would tend to lessen their dignity in 
 the eyes of their companions, and who foolishly 
 imagine that a good coat places them above 
 the necessity of conciliating the feelings of tht 
 multitude by the performance of an act of 
 courtesy. It is evident there cannot be a 
 greater mistake, since even the lower classeg 
 
OF GENERAL SOCIETY. 131 
 
 (whatever their own practices may be) keenly 
 appreciate, and gratefully acknowledge, the 
 slightest consideration shown to them by their 
 superiors. That persons should be found weak 
 enough to beheve themselves above control, is 
 lamentable, as such silliness can only expose 
 them to the ridicule of their equals, and the 
 contempt of their superiors. 
 
 A perfect freedom from affectation, and an 
 observance of the feelings of others, will always 
 exempt a person from the charge of vulgarity. 
 
 Be careful to offer a favor jn such a manner 
 as not to offend the delicacy of those whom you 
 wisli to serve. Favors may be so conferred as 
 to become insults. If kindness and a desire to 
 obUge induce you to offer an '* attention," do 
 
132 HINTS ON ETIQUETTE. 
 
 not jyirss It after it has been once refused, and so 
 affront ill-tempered or' testy people. A friend 
 who had been dining a short distance from 
 London, when about to return, said to one of 
 tlie party, *' Sir, my carriage is at the door ; if 
 . agreeable, I shall be happy to take you to 
 town." — "lam much obliged to you,"- replied 
 the ungracious Mr. Tubbs, drawing himself up, 
 **but — / have a carriage of my oimy 
 
 Vulgar people like to be solicited — to con- 
 cede a favor only on the most humiliating 
 terms, being the lowest gratification of the 
 coarsest vanity... There is no greater proof of 
 high breeding — which, by the way, is high 
 feeling — than the conferring a benefit without 
 the indelicacy of exacting a revolting suppli- 
 cation. The contemptible axiom, "If a thing be 
 
OF GENERAL SOCIETY. 133 
 
 worth having, it is worth asking for," is but 
 worthy of a pompous parish authority, and can 
 only be responded to by those who beUeve that 
 no means are despicable so long as their object 
 be attained. 
 
 When you offer a place in your carriage, be 
 sure to give the best, or you will subject yourself 
 to the charge of ignorance and ill-breeding. A 
 spintuelh reproof for an error of this kind was 
 lately given at Paris by the celebrated Mons. de 
 M. Having met in the vestibule of the Opera 
 two parvenu bankers^ 9iflM||BMIiABIIlSl|^ much 
 more remarkable for their wealth than their good 
 manners, llliMHB^ observing that the compte's 
 carriage had not arrived, offered him a place in 
 theirs, which he accepted. To his surprise, 
 " les freres feroces " (as they are named) 
 12 
 
134 HINTS ON ETIQUETTE. 
 
 entered the coach first, and seated themselves 
 in the back seat, leaving the aged bon-vivant to 
 sit with his back to the horses ; but no sooner 
 did he observe this piece of ill-breeding, than he 
 pulled the check-string, and insisted on leaving 
 the carriage. — " But why will you get out ? " 
 asked the parvenus, in astonishment. " Be- 
 cause," replied Mons. de M., " I always feel ill 
 when I sit with my back to the horses — in the 
 carnage of another.'' 
 
 Hundreds may refrain from being guilty of an 
 impertinffffi^flBW#5S!OT^^e in a thousand is 
 capable of performing a well-bred action ; be- 
 cause a restraint on one's rudel^RRlrtlerely the 
 result of good schooling — whilst to offer an act 
 of graceful courtesy, is evidence of a superior 
 mind and a kindly heart. 
 
OF GENERAL SOCIETY. • 135 
 
 Do not cross a room in an anxious manner, 
 and force your way up to a lady merely to 
 receive a bow, as by so doing you attract the 
 eyes of the company towards her. If you are 
 desirous of being noticed by any persons in 
 particular, put yourself in their way as if by 
 accident, and do not let them see that you 
 have sought them out ; unless, indeed, there be 
 something very important to communicate. 
 
 Do not take upon yourself to do the honors 
 in another man's house, or constitute yourself 
 master of the cerenWfTiSS^'^i^WIP^iH thereby 
 offend the host and hostess. 
 
 There is a shallow attempt at " fallen great- 
 ness," sometimes practised by persons who wish 
 
136 « HINTS ON ETIQ,UETTE. 
 
 it to be supposed they are below their proper 
 sphere, — that of bestowing high-sounding titles 
 upon very ordinary objects ; as calling a hack- 
 ney-coach " the carriage ; " or speaking of a gig, 
 or wretched pony chaise, as ^' our carriage ; " or 
 of a miserable passage, three feet wide, as the 
 *^hall." This is very foolish, and does not 
 impose upon any one. 
 
 In addressing letters to persons of rank, the 
 tide should be written, whether of Duke, Mar- 
 quis, Earl, Viscount, or Baron, instead of 
 " Lord " So-a^drso, which is considered dis- 
 respectful and vulgar. This rule should be 
 particularly attended to in writing*^tt> Ladies, in 
 order to avoid confounding the rank they hold 
 with the very inferior one of the wives of 
 
OF GENERAL SOCIETY. 137 
 
 Baronets or Knights. Military rank always 
 takes precedence of titles on the superscription 
 of letters. 
 
 As the term " Esquire " has long degenerated 
 into a title of mere courtesy, be careful to give 
 it when writing to any person above the rank 
 of a shopkeeper, and scrupulously aw^ard it to 
 all professional men ; not to do so, would appear 
 like an ungracious attempt, on your part, to 
 depreciate them, and to display your own im- 
 portance by affecting to underrate thtir pre- 
 tensions; besides, as the first lesson taught to 
 "people of condition" is "to be courteous to 
 all men," and as you will rarely find these little 
 proprieties overlooked by them, any neglect on 
 your part will naturally suggest the inference, 
 that the offending epistle was indited by some 
 12* 
 
138 HINTS ON ETIQUETTE. 
 
 very assumS?g or very ignorant person. It is 
 needless in these times to consider the distinc- 
 tions made by the " law " in ages past ; for as 
 " belted knights " exist no longer, the reality of 
 an Esquire has long merged in the shadowy title, 
 which, "a5 by law allowed,^^ is shared by the 
 lowest pettifogger, or the coarsest tradesman 
 admitted into the ranks of the '^Gentlemen 
 pensioners." * We do not attempt to deny 
 
 * Gentlemen pensioners are Esquires by "authority." This 
 ancient and pleasant provision for decayed gentlemen was 
 much distorted, during the last reign, by the admission of 
 improper persons ; so conspicuous, indeed, did its squalidness 
 and vulgarity become, as to attract the attention, and excite 
 the ire, of the late sovereign, who threatened to disband such 
 an equivocal appendage to his state. The institution has now, 
 however, become regenerate, by restricting the quality of its 
 members; and at present shines forth in more than its pristine 
 splendor, as the "Honorable Band of Gentlemen-at-arms." 
 So be it. 
 
.05- 
 OF GENERAL SOCIETYS t7 T? ^^ 139 
 
 that "Esquire," in common^^^^JBie tenrts 
 " Professor," or " Professional," is occasion- 
 ally abused, sin le a " Professorship " rewards 
 alike the saltatory labors of a dancing-master, 
 and gilds the graceful avocations of an " Area- 
 dian " hair-dresser. 
 
 In writing to subalterns in the army, be 
 careful not to address your letter to Ensign or 
 Lieut, So-and-so, but to J. P. Esq,, 83d Reg^, 
 &c., as the case may be; Cajptain being the 
 lowest grade which a military man chooses to 
 acknowledge. 
 
 Do not offer a person the chair from which 
 you have just risen, unless there be no other in 
 the room. 
 
140 HINTS ON ETIQUETTE. 
 
 Never take the chair usually occupied by the 
 mistress of the house, even thouah shi; be absent, 
 nor use the snuff-box of another, unless he 
 offer it. 
 
 Do not touch any of the articles of bijouterie 
 in the houses where you visit ; they are meant 
 only for the use of the lady of the house, and 
 may be admired, but not touched. 
 
 Do not beat the " devil's tattoo," by drum- 
 mmg with your fingers on a table ; it cannot fail 
 to annoy every one within hearing, and is the 
 mdex of a vacant mind. Neither read the 
 newspaper in an audible whisper, as it disturbs 
 the attention of those near you. Both these 
 bad habits are particularly offensive where most 
 common; that is, in a country news-room. 
 
OF GENERAL SOCIETY. 141 
 
 Remember that a carelessness as to what may 
 incommodo others is the sure sign of a coarse 
 and ordinary mind ; indeed, the essential part 
 of good-breeding is more in the avoidance of 
 whatever may be disagreeable to others, than 
 even an accurate observance of the customs of 
 good society. 
 
 Never allow any peison above the rank of a 
 shopman to leave the room without your ringing 
 the bell for the street door to be opened. 
 Thousands have been irremediably offended 
 by having been suffered to quit a room un- 
 attended, and to *' let themselves out." This 
 deserves particular notice, as it is a very common 
 omission with persons, who, having amassed a 
 little wealth and set up for " somebodies y' would 
 be exceedingly annoyed to have it whispered 
 
142 HINTS ON ETIQUETTE. 
 
 that they could be guilty of such gross ill- 
 breeding. 
 
 Courtesy is the cement of, society — the 
 philanthropic amalgam which blends the varia- 
 tions, and unites the trifling inequalities, of the 
 great human family. Courtesy is not less the 
 sign of a kindly heart than of a sound un- 
 derstanding ; for, since there is no other sin of 
 omission so heavily visited as the withholding of 
 customary attentions — nor any assumption so 
 fiercely resisted as that implied superiority which 
 affects to overlook in the case of others the well- 
 understood observances of civilized life — it 
 follows that the exercise of it is as politic as its 
 practice should be grateful, especially as there is 
 no one man so much greater than another, either 
 in intellect or in rank, but that bis failings 
 
OF GENERAL SOCIETY. 143 
 
 usually reduce him almost to a level with the 
 meanest; whilst the virtues of those whom he 
 has affected to underrate, often more than coun- 
 terbalance the advantages of wealth and station 
 — accidents which but too often fall to the lot 
 of the undeserving. Which of the two would 
 be the greater man — the meanest hind ever 
 created, who might be moral, or the shameless 
 profligate,* whose vices have just been rewarded 
 with an Earldom? No wonder that England is 
 sinking, when infamy seems to be the surest 
 stepping-stone to worldly honors. 
 
 * The heartless seducer of Miss Foot, the actress, and an 
 infinity of other victims — and now hving in open adultery 
 
 with Mrs. B , another actress, who, in the full swing of 
 
 her immorality, goes about distributing religious tracts I ! 
 *' This is a fine world, my masters.* 
 
144 HINTS ON ETIQUETTE. 
 
 People who Iiave risen in the world are too 
 apt to suppose they render themselves of con- 
 sequence in proportion to the pride they display, 
 and their want of attention towards those with 
 whom they come in contact. This is a terrible 
 mistake, as every ill-bred act recoils with triple 
 violence against its perpetrators, by leading the 
 offended parties to analyze them, and to question 
 their right of assuming a superiority to which 
 (in tlie absence of positive rank) they are but 
 rarely entitled. 
 
 People who may be w^hat, in French phrase- 
 ology, are termed parvenus, or nouveaux riches, 
 and who desire to attain a good position in 
 society, must be careful to avoid making any 
 advances to people of rank, and should wait 
 until tnese last seek their acquaintance. A 
 
OF GENERAL SOCIETY. 145 
 
 contrary line of conduct will only draw on them 
 the imputation of forwardness and vulgarity. 
 For as it is the privilege of the person of the 
 highest rank to make the first advances towards 
 acquaintanceship, there is no excuse for the 
 inferior to commit himself. 
 
 If you would prevent embarrassment to others, 
 be very scrupulous how you invite yourself to 
 join a friend in any excursion — even in taking 
 a walk — as, without any unfriendly feeling on 
 his part, he may have reasons why your com- 
 pany shall not be desirable, but which, from 
 motives of delicacy, he might refrain from point- 
 ing out. Therefore you may inadvertently 
 place him in an awkward position, it being very 
 difficult to say, '' I wish to be alone," without 
 giving offence, or exciting an unjustifiable 
 13 
 
f 
 
 146 HINTS ON ETK^UETTE. 
 
 scrutiny into his actions. It is always safer to 
 wait until you are invited ; and so, before it be 
 too late, avoid that most humbling of all feelings 
 r— the consciousness of being de trop. 
 
 The rising generation of " elegans " in 
 America are particularly requested to observe, 
 that, in pohshed society, it is not quite comme il 
 faut for gentlemen to blow their noses with their 
 fingers, especially when in the streets — a prac- 
 tice, by the way, infinitely more common than 
 refined. Economy is a praiseworthy virtue ; 
 but, alas! the prejudices of civilized life are 
 against its being carried to such an extreme — 
 so that to those who aspire to be distinguished, 
 the use of a pocket handkerchief must be con- 
 sidered as indispensable. 
 
O* GENERAL SOCIETY. 147 
 
 Do not abuse the advantage of a " two-penny 
 post," by making people pay the postage of 
 letters on your own business merely, and 
 transmitted through such a channel entirely for 
 your convenience^ by saving the trouble of 
 sending a servant. The postage upon one 
 solitary note is small, it is true ; but may amount 
 to a large sum in the aggregate. Depend upon 
 it, the most " tiffy " people .will not be very 
 much offended at the postage being paid, 
 although some affect openly to despise an 
 expense at which they grumble in secret. 
 
 Avoid the bad taste of telling your company 
 how much any particular dish, wines, pines, or 
 other delicacies on your table, have cost you, 
 however expensive. It is a very common but 
 particularly indelicate trick with parvenus, in 
 
148 HINTS ON ETIQUETTE. 
 
 order to impress on those present, the full weight 
 and obligation of the " ireat^^ and cannot fail to 
 make their guests feel most uncomfortably, that 
 the host is just as likely to calculate to the 
 fraction of a farthing, the value of what each 
 individual eats and drinks. " That wine you're' 
 now drinking stands me in 4^. 9cf. a bottle, by 
 the pipe." " Oh ! oh ! " ihiriks the guest, 
 " then if I drink half a bottle, I shall be 2^. 4 Jc?. 
 in his debt." And who, having once had his 
 thoughts turned that way, does not calculate 
 what Ids portion of the whole " spread " might 
 be, and feel inclined to put his hand in his 
 pocket and tender the money ? Or — even 
 worse than this — we heard of a young lady, 
 who, at the table of her father, was gauche 
 enough to inform his guest of the cost of the 
 wine j?er glass ! I Even th^ t^rms in whi<?h the 
 
OF GENERAL SOCIETY. 149 
 
 invitation given by a Frenchman was couched, 
 " Vill you acce])t from me a cup of tea ? " 
 seemed to place a certain pecuniary value upon 
 the trifling civility, which made its " acceptance " 
 disagreeable. We once heard a man at the 
 head of his own table thus enlighten the 
 convivial is ts — " That supper now before you 
 cost me forty pounds, every farthing of it, [a O 
 he, by the way] — it did, by G — d ; the whole \ 
 concern [there had been a ball] won't cost 
 me less than eighty pounds — it won't, upon 
 my soul ! ! " — an announcement sufficient to 
 give his guests the colic, if only in some shape / 
 to relieve themselves of the obligation. 
 
 There is no better test of a man's claim to 
 be considered '^ a gentleman/^ than a scrutiny of 
 his conduct in money transactions. A man 
 13 * 
 
J 50 HINTS ON ETIQUETTE. 
 
 may possess rank and fashion, and, by an 
 assumed frankness of character, deceive the 
 multitude ; but the moment his purse is invaded, 
 if he be not of the true caste, he will display 
 the most contemptible meanness, he will take 
 advantage of the liberal — evade, by every 
 miserable subterfuge, the claims of those he 
 dares not oppress, and unblushingly defy those 
 unfortunate persons whose poverty is likely to 
 prevent the due assertion of their rights. Such 
 a man may possess station in society — he may 
 be an "elegant" — he may be u. prince I but, 
 if he he not honest — he is not a gentleman. 
 
 Never for a moment regret the loss of an 
 acquaintance with people who may have shown 
 by their conduct, that they were devoid of that 
 high feeling \vhich is the characteristic of true 
 
OF GENERAL SOCIEXr. 151 
 
 gentility, or who may have behaved towards you 
 in a sinister, low-minded manner; for, depend 
 upon it, that, with such people, you are never 
 safe — never secure that they may not, at any 
 moment when their supposed interests prcfmpt 
 them, "throw you over" without the slightest 
 remorse, or reference to any friendly feeling they 
 may previously have professed for you. Rather 
 congratulate yourself that so insecurely founded 
 an acquaintance is over. The " cloven foot" 
 once shown, avoid them as you would the Devil 
 — paying no attention to any specious, insincere 
 explanations they may make ; yet be careful to 
 back out so quietly as not to afford them any 
 grounds for maligning you, which the meanly- 
 minded will infallibly do, in hopes to clear 
 themselves in the eyes of the world. People 
 who are conscious of having behaved in a con- 
 
152 HINTS ON ETK^UETTE. 
 
 temptible manner towards you, bire ever on the 
 look-out for any trifling indiscretion on your 
 part, in hopes to justify themselves, and, if 
 unable to succeed, will invent motives for you, 
 rather than not extract some ideal balm to heal 
 the deepest sting that rankles in the human 
 mind — the consciousness of having played a 
 base and despicable part, and the conviction of 
 having their conduct analyzed by a sharp-witted 
 world. 
 
 We have but one observation to make on 
 dancing in America. It is, that gentlemen 
 should dance on their toes, rather than on their 
 heels, or with the foot quite flat. The want 
 of " springiness,^^ in so elastic a recreation as 
 dancing, is ungraceful, and therefore inelegant. 
 In modern dancing, a graceful movement of the 
 
OF GENERAL SOCIETY. 153 
 
 person is infinitely to be preferred to the " hop- 
 skip-and-jump " precision of steps peculiar to^ 
 dancing schools. Jy%^ of the ' \ 
 
 With intimate friends, you^ay dispense with 
 ceremony as much as may be deemed desirable 
 to all parties; but with strangers, or persons 
 with whom you are only imperfectly acquainted, 
 every deviation from established custom is a 
 slight, as it tends to show how little their society 
 is appreciated ; and will ( if they possess a grain 
 of spirit) be resented accordingly. 
 
 Although these remarks will not be suffi- 
 cient in themselves to ma'ke you a gentleman, 
 yet they will enable you to avoid any glaring 
 impropriety, and do much to render you easy 
 and confident in society. 
 
154 HINTS ON ETIQ,UETTE. 
 
 Gentility is neither in birth, manner, nor 
 fashion — but in the mind. A high sense of 
 honor — a determination never to take a mean 
 advantage of another — an adherence to truth, 
 delicacy, and politeness towards those with 
 whom you may have dealings — are the es- 
 sential and distinguishing characteristics of a 
 
 GENTLEMAN. 
 
14 DAY USE 
 
 RETURN TO DESK FROM WHICH BORROWED 
 Thii 
 
 m 
 
 
 
 1 
 
 J^i^ i 1 i:j/^ 
 
 ;».-iv 
 
 'T 
 
 W3 
 
 LD21-35m-2,'71 
 <'P9.001 slO^dTK A-32 
 
 General L' 
 University of 
 
VA 02933 
 
 UX BERKELEY LIBRARIES 
 
 f / 
 
 ^m