University of California Berkeley 
 
 Gift of 
 PROFESSOR ROBERT D. PEPPER 
 
MODERN CHIVALRY: 
 
 OR, 
 
 THE ADVENTURES 
 
 OP 
 
 CAPTAIN FAKKAGO AND TEAGUE O'KEGAN, 
 
 BY 
 
 H. H. BRACKEMIDGE. 
 
 AUTHOR OP THE "ADVENTURES OF CAPTAIN FARRAGO," 
 " MAJOR TEAGUE O'REGAN'S ADVENTURES " ETC. 
 
 WITH A PREFACE AND EXPLANATORY NOTES BY THE EDITOR, 
 
 $ 1) tlabelpljia: 
 T. B. PETERSON & BROTHERS, 
 
 306 CHESTNUT STREET. 
 
EDITOR'S PREFACE. 
 
 THE two first volumes, forming the first part of the work, 
 exhibit the preposterous ambition of the individual, contin 
 ually aspiring to offices and pursuits for which he is unqual 
 ified. In such cases, according to the author, the post of 
 honor is the private station. Ridicule is freely used to 
 expose the presumption of such false ambition. In fact, 
 the moral is, the evil of ambition anywhere, even with the 
 most capable and deserving. It is considered the greatest 
 political evil of a republic; while modest self-denial, or 
 voluntary retirement, as so much the less common, consti 
 tutes the greatest virtue in a free government. In the best 
 of all governments, the noblest traits of character are those 
 where individuals of the highest merit, have declined offices 
 and honors, or freely resigned them. It was the highest 
 degree of virtue in the Roman republic. This was great in 
 Cincinnatus among the Romans, and great in Washington 
 with us. The fact of Napoleon may serve to point the 
 moral. 
 
 The second part, also in two volumes, written after an 
 interval of ten years like the second part of Don Quixotte, 
 contains the fruits of the more ripened experience of the 
 author. It now forms the third and fourth volumes of the 
 work. It is profound in its views, although under the 
 mask of pleasantry. It may be called a work of political 
 philosophy, and every page furnishes matter for deep reflec 
 tion. As the first part deals with the folly and preenmp- 
 
IV 
 
 tion of the individual, so the second part deals with the masses, 
 and exhibits the delusions of the multitude. It shows 
 the excesses, the extravagance, and short-sighted passions of 
 of the people, the most destructive to the own welfare 
 of course honest, but mistaken To the agrarian schemes, 
 to the manifest tendency to anarchy, to the thousand pro 
 jects of visionary philosophers and interested demagogues, 
 he ascribes the despotism which succeeded the French revo 
 lution. It was the visionary among the people, who over 
 threw the republic and made the despotism. To the great 
 body of the sober and industrious in the community, who 
 had property, acquired by industry or inheritance, any gov 
 ernment was better than anarchy. They were willing to 
 embrace anything which could afford protection to persons 
 and property, from the perpetual flaws and tempests of 
 anarchy. Where there is but one kind of aristocracy, as in 
 this country, and France after the revolution, the aristoc 
 racy of wealth," or talent, or virtue, it is in the power of 
 every citizen to become a member of it. It was not so in 
 Rome, where there were two distinct classes, almost distinct 
 castes ; the patrician, descended from the ancient families, 
 and the plebian, those of more rn'odern origin. The com 
 mons struggled violently for even the privilege of inter 
 marriage with the nobles, which was forbidden by law; as 
 also for the right of election to the chief magistracy. The 
 amalgamation was regarded pretty much in the same light, 
 as that in this country, between the black and the white. 
 In England, the force of opinion, or prejudice, is almost as 
 strong as the distinction of the Roman patrician and plebian. 
 In this country, every one is novus liomo, new man, or 
 maker of his own fortune. He that does not improve his 
 condition, must blame himself, or deplore the unkindness of 
 providence in not bestowing an equal share of talents. Or 
 reflecting wisely on the justice of that providence, he must 
 
EDITOR'S PREFACE. ; y 
 
 look for his compensation in some other way. The field is 
 open to all, although some have strength, swiftness, or 
 wisdom, and others are comparatively deficient. The right 
 is equal) although the chances are not, and cannot be. The 
 visionary philosophers presume on the possibility of making 
 all equal in capacity and in desert. In this they have to 
 work against nature, which they in some measure admit, 
 by their deduction, that it is necessary to remodel society, 
 and order everything in a different way from that in which 
 it was created by the Almighty. They seek an imaginary 
 perfectibility; and finding that it is impossible to make the 
 individuals all equal, their object is to destroy all individu 
 ality, and to seek their ideal perfection in the masses, in 
 the aggregate, and human nature, in the abstract ideal of 
 man, and thus exterminate vice and virtue together. But 
 the practical man, the true philosopher, on the contrary, is 
 continually laboring to raise the importance of the individ 
 ual, and to bring out individual talents and virtues, 
 thus forming the social aggregate. The principle of despo 
 tism is concentration, that of democracy, diffusion. The 
 habeas corpus, the bill of rights, the freedom of speech and 
 conscience, are all calculated to give dignity to the indi 
 vidual, and elevate him in importance, in opposition to the 
 power of the masses, or of the single despot, or the few. 
 The great thing is to make every man feel that he is a man 
 something self-reliant noble and not a mere particle 
 or component, indivisible, insignificant ingredient, of a con 
 crete mass. 
 
 The author has assailed many of the popular follies, whoss 
 tendency is to sink the dignity of the individual mam, 
 and to undermine the true democratic principle. They all 
 lead to despotism, by rendering democratic institutions un 
 stable, and consequently unsafe. The elective franchise is 
 the most important of all the democratic principles ; hence 
 
TI EDITOR'S PREFACE. 
 
 it occupies the most of the author's attention and endeavors 
 to preserve it in its purity. 
 
 The exercise of the right of suffrage is the most precious 
 privilege of the citizen; and at the same time, it is that on 
 which the purity and permanence of the government depend. 
 After discussing the various restrictions proposed at different 
 times, to prevent the abuses attending it, he comes to the 
 conclusion, that every poll shall poll; that is, that every 
 male resident of full age, and paying tax, shall have the 
 right of voting and of being voted for. The strong satire 
 against property qualification, under the idea of cattle voting, 
 an ox or a horse vote, is aimed at the requisite of property; 
 but it is also intended to ridicule the idea of perfectibility 
 of the visionary philosophers, who contend that it is possible 
 for man to attain in this life the perfection of angels. From 
 the importance of the duty entrusted to the voter, he argues 
 the necessity of diffusing information and education among 
 them, on whom that high duty is devolved. The car 
 icature is broad, and on purpose, in order to render the idea 
 more striking. The absurd prejudice, at one time prevail 
 ing against learning, is now rare, yet by no means extinct. 
 The satire of the dog-lawyers, is directed against the abuses 
 of the bar, and of the legal profession, of which he was 
 the true friend. 
 
 The opening chapter of the first volume of this second 
 part, where the merits of Peter Porcupine and Paul Polecat 
 are discussed in town meeting, is an admirable representation 
 of the evils arising from the abuse of the liberty of the press; 
 and at the same time, the value of that liberty when properly 
 used. It would take many pages of grave dissertation to 
 convey the same ideas, and then to be read only in the 
 closet, while here they are drawn up in a shape, to be placed 
 in the hands of the most common and superficial among 
 the poeple. 
 

 EDITOR'S PREFACE. vn 
 
 The chapters on constitution making, trace the establish 
 ment of government; in an amusing but philosophical man 
 ner. The chapter on common sense, the most uncommon 
 sense, is original; and that on the ingratitude of republics, 
 too often the theme of disappointed ambition, presents the 
 subject in a new light, showing that when stricly examined, 
 the fault is often in the person complaining. 
 
 In short, these two volumes contain a store-house of 
 ideas, on all subjects, especially political, brought 
 within the reach of the laborer, the mechanic, the farmer, 
 as well as the enlightened statesman and philosopher. It is 
 a book for the people, and yet may be read with advantage 
 and instruction, by every one, in every occupation or situa 
 tion in society. 
 
 There is a strong resemblance between our author and 
 Cervantes, in the gravity with which trivial subjects are 
 treated; and it is this contrast which constitutes much of 
 that delicate wit, that is not always perceived by the dull of 
 apprehension. It is also remarkable for the playful manner in 
 which subjects are often treated, when the reader suddenly 
 finds himself in the midst of the most profound reasoning, on 
 matters of the greatest moment. It is impossible for the 
 most ordinary mind, to read this book without a great 
 accession of the most sound and salutary ideas and precepts. 
 No one can read it, without becoming more of a thinker 
 and reasoner than he has been. That book best attains its 
 end, which sets the mind longest to thinking after reading 
 it; as the bell of the clearest metal, when struck, rings 
 longest aaad loudest 
 
 The author's peculiar mode of conveying instruction, was 
 a delicate irony, somewhat resembling that of Swift, or 
 perhaps rather of Fielding; as for instance, where he 
 intends to rebuke those who attempt to enlighten the pub 
 lic on subjects of wkich they are ignorant; "I have always 
 
vin EDITOR'S PREFACE. 
 
 observed (says he) that a man can write better on a subject 
 for being acquainted with it!" We find many similar 
 touches in Modern Chivalry; as in the grave dissertation on 
 the utility of laws, where he says, "I do not know that 
 society has yet attained to that morality and freedom from 
 sin, that law and government can be dispensed with alto 
 gether." The arbitrary and authoritative mode of instruc 
 tion, is thus avoided. There is another mode which con 
 stantly recurs in this work, which Dr. Franklin calls the 
 Socratean, and in like manner shuns offence, by making 
 the party addressed, the detector of his own folly or impru 
 dence. The examples of this may be seen where the 
 Captain turns Teague from some of his foolish pretensions. 
 One question after another is put to him, by which he is 
 made to discover his ignorance, as it were by his own con 
 fession The quotation from the life of Socrates by Zeno- 
 phon, exhibits this mode of disclosing the truth, which 
 might otherwise have been offensive. The author of Mod 
 ern Chilvalry seems to have been very partial to this mode 
 of address. It is related of him, that on one occasion two 
 poor soldiers were indicted for stealing a watch from the 
 house where they lodged. They had but one knapsack 
 between them, and in this the watch was found. The author 
 in defending them, affected to take the side of the prosecu 
 tion. "G-entlemen of the jury," said he, "there can be no 
 doubt that one of these parties is guilty, but the difficulty 
 is to know which of the two. But so many thefts have 
 been committed of late, that examples must be made. Now, 
 here are two poor friendless fellows, whom nobody carea 
 anything about, and their punishment will distress nobody 
 but themselves. They are the very persons to make an 
 example. It is true it is impossible to know whether both 
 are guilty, or if not both, which of them has done the 
 deed. But that is a small matter compared to the impor- 
 
EDITOR'S PREFACE. ix 
 
 tance of the example for the good of the public. A little 
 stretch of conscience is therefore perfectly justifiable, with 
 such a motive." At this one of the jury became impatient, 
 and with some anger, rose and said, "Sir, you are mistaken, 
 if you suppose that any one on this j ury will violate his 
 conscience for the sake of punishing a poor soldier, because 
 he has no friends, and where we are not sure that he is 
 guilty." "As you please, gentlemen; I have nothing 
 more to say." 
 

 
 CONTENTS OF VOLUME III. 
 
 CHAPTER I. Capt Farrago resumes his travels, and is once more joined by 
 Teague His return to the village And of the strange phenomena encoun 
 tered at its antrancc*. ......... .................................... P&O& 1.3 
 
 CHAPTER II. In which, the proceedings of the town meeting are faithfully 
 related 22 
 
 CHAPTER III. The Captain feels dissatisfied with himself for offering Teague 
 as an editor, but is unexpectedly relieved by the flight of Porcupine SI 
 
 CHAPTER IV. Reasons for continuing this history The author discourses 
 of the means of public instruction: for the people the pulpit the press 
 and the courts of justice : 33 
 
 CHAPTER V. Teague is dissatisfied with not being an editor He is persua 
 ded by the Captain to turn author, and compose his memoirs of adventure 
 in France The good advice of the Captain on the occasion 37 
 
 CHAPTER VI. Which treats of village matters Capt. Farrago is not pleased 
 with some things 39 
 
 CHAPTER VII. O'Regan engages the schoolmaster to do the writing of his 
 memoirs, and proceeds to obtain subscriptions The Captain visits the 
 principal of the new academy : 40 
 
 CHAPTER VIII. While O'Regan is engaged in his memoirs, the Captain turns 
 his attention to other subjects The blind lawyer and his lecture 42 
 
 CHAPTER IX. Uproar in tho village for abating all nuisance, learning among 
 the rest They threaten to pull down the church A levelling phrensy 
 prevails 48 
 
 CHAPTFR X. A sample of the memoir of O'Regan 53 
 
 CHAPTER XI. Captain Farrago pays another visit to the blind lawyer The 
 common law explained The conversation broken off by a new disturbance 54 
 
 CHAPTER XII. Great success of O'Regan's memoirs The Captain is advised 
 to apply for a professorship for him in the College, but is at a loss to know 
 of what Teague becomes a quack doctor 59 
 
 CHAPTER XIII. In which the reader is introduced to some of the sage pol 
 iticians of the village 62 
 
 CHAPTER XIV. The Captain visits some of the public establishments of the 
 village The Lunatic Hospital finds a poet engaged in turning the first 
 volume of Modern Chivalry into rhyme 67 
 
 CHAPTER XV. Containing various matters of village clamor The no code 
 
 and new code parties There is a talk of making a j udge of O'Regan.. 72 
 
 CHAPTER XVI.Containing some wise saws and sayings 78 
 
CONTENTS. XI 
 
 CHAPTER XVII. Various rumors The author's excuse in taking his clown 
 from the Irish Miscellaneous matters Democracy has its strength in 
 strict integrity 87 
 
 CHAPTER XVIII. An epistle from a reading tailor to the author, with the 
 author's reply 93 
 
 CHAPTER XIX. Further particulars respecting the memoirs of O'Regan 
 The St. Tammany Society 102 
 
 CHAPTER XX. This chapter may be passed over by those who wish to keep 
 the thread of the narrative 106 
 
 CHAPTER XXI. The meditations of the Captain on the subject of goverment 
 The demagogue and the patriot the one natters and the other finds fault 110 
 
 CHAPTER XXII. The annual Fair Continued in a series of chapters 113 
 
 CHAPTER XXIII. The despot is the spectre which rises from the marsh of 
 licentiousness It was the Jacobins that made the Emperor 123 
 
 CHAPTER XXIV, In which is related the case of the lawyer who was lynched 
 for making long speeches 128 
 
 CHAPTER XXV. An inquest is held on a man suspected of being insane 
 His defence, and the verdict of the jury 128 
 
 CHAPTER XXVI. Wherein it is explained why the schoolmaster was not 
 lynched for talking latin in public ,... 132 
 
 CHAPTER XXVIL The western cattle driver and the city macaroni Disturb 
 ance at the Frenchman's booth-^The distressed politician 135 
 
 CHAPTER XXVIII. This chapter will be read because it is short 140 
 
 CHAPTER XXIX. The close of the fair-The Captain meets with Oconama A 
 ludicrous mistake from the name 141 
 
 CHAPTER XXX. Containing reflections 145 
 
 CHAPTER XXXI. Conversation between Captain Farrago and the Principal 
 of the Academy, on the subject of education Suddenly broken off by a 
 casualty 147 
 
 CHAPTER XXXH. The Captain sends Teague out of the way on the approach 
 of the election Encounters a worse danger 151 
 
 CHAPTER XXXIII. Farrago pays a visit to the blind lawyer Of reform, uni 
 versal suffrage, ambition It is pleasant in a free country to lie on one's 
 back and whistle 164 
 
 CHAPTER XXXIV. The project of making a devil of O'Regan comes to the 
 ears of the clergyman Alarming incident Teague takes to flight The 
 blind lawyer visits the Captain 162 
 
 CHAPTER XXXV. Which explains the mystery of O'Regan's disappearance. 168 
 
 CHAPTER XXXVI. Captain Farrago falls under public obloquy, and in con 
 sequence resolves to emigrate 17fi 
 
 CHAPTER XXXVII. Reflections of the author on various subjects The neg 
 lect of the Legislature to establish schools, and to promote learning 180 
 
 CHAPTER XXXVIII. Reflections continued The talk of abolishing the 
 courts An apology to the lawyers 187 
 
XH CONTENTS. 
 
 CHAPTER XXXIX In which the author treats of the ingratitude of repub 
 lics towards their public men. 193 
 
 CHAPTER XL. The Captain sets out The two judges Teague takes the 
 place of one, after a sage lecture on the subject of duties 201 
 
 CHAPTER XLL Containing a few words for the critic 207 
 
 CHAPTER XLII.-The Quo-hee settlement The backbiters, not cannibals, as 
 some authors have asserted 209 
 
 CHAPTER XLIII. It is an epoch in a man's life when he puts on breeches 
 The second when he goes to school; the third when he gives his vote 214 
 
 CHAPTER XLIV. The Lack-learning settlement The inhabitants rise to op 
 pose their entrance, from a false rumor of their being mep of learning 216 
 
 CHAPTER XLV. Which contains "a bone to gnaw," for the demagogue 218 
 
 CHAPTER XLYI. The Mad-cap settlement Harem Scarum challenges the 
 beasts of the forest The Captain aa a military man The Mad-caps are 
 quieted by a ballad from Clonmel The democrats 219 
 
MODERN CHIVALRY. 
 
 CHAPTER I. 
 
 Capt. Farago resumes his travels, and is once more joined by 
 Teague. His return to the village And of the strange phi 
 nomena encountered at its entrance. 
 
 Here is a great gap hiatus valde dejlendus not a word of 
 Captain Farrago, or of Teague O'Regan, since the shipment 
 of the latter to France, by the philosophical society, as a curi 
 osity for the inspection of the profound naturalists of that 
 country. Now, the fact is, the Captain had returned to his 
 farm, raised a crop or two, put his fences in order, which the 
 tenant had suffered to go out of repair ; but growing weary of 
 the monotony of the farming life, he longed to resume his ad 
 ventures, at least to avoid ennui, by a change from place to 
 place, seeking at the same time, useful information, as well as 
 amusement, and even not without some ambition of being able 
 to improve matters, here and there, by his suggestions. Ho 
 was, however, no mad-man, like his prototype Don Quixotte, 
 going forth to relieve distressed damsels, and free the oppres 
 sed, setting even galley slaves at liberty, to be afterwards beaten 
 and bruised by them, for his pains. 
 
 His last Squire, Duncan, the Scotchman, had taken to weav 
 ing in the neighborhood, and was doing well. The Capta r n 
 
14 MODERN CHIVALRY. 
 
 had advised him to go to preaching, but he declined the advice, 
 on the ground that he had not been ordained to the ministry, 
 and although it was good work that pleased the customer, yet, 
 he could not reconcile it to his conscience to take on himself, so 
 holy an office, without a proper vocation. 
 
 As for Teague, on landing at Nantz, and being in fact, a 
 sans culotte, he was at once set free by the mob, or canailles* 
 forwarded with eclat to Paris, and introduced to the Jacobin 
 clubs, as a primitive savage, of that golden age, described by 
 Jean Jaque Rousseau. He soon after appeared, in the great 
 procession of Anacharsis Cloots, the orator of the human 
 race, and in the character of a Kickapoo Indian, from the Val 
 ley of the Mississippi. Teague made them a speech in Irish, 
 which passed for very eloquent Indian, although there was no 
 one to interpret it, as in the case of Logan, but was supposed 
 to be suitable to the occasion and the character of the speaker 
 It was not long after this, before he was denounced as an aris 
 tocrat, on account of his wearing some articles of clothing 
 \vhich had been given him, and which had the aristocratic cut; 
 perhaps a part of the spoil of some unfortunate noble, who had 
 perished on the scaffold. Teague was consigned to the concier- 
 gere, or revolutionary prison, from which there was then but 
 a step to the guillotine. He .was soon liberated by the sudden 
 downfall of the monster Kobespiere, and left to starve on the 
 pavement. How he got back to America, is not clearly ex 
 plained in the memoirs, afterwards composed by him, or for 
 him, or by any of the historians who have enlightened the pub 
 lic on the subject. It is most probable, that he was assisted by 
 the American Consul, as an adopted citizen of the United States. 
 All that is known with certainty, as to this somewhat obscure 
 portion of history, is, that he did get back, and very soon after the 
 Captain had set out on his perigrinations, he unexpectedly fell 
 in with his old master, and gladly joined him in his former ca 
 pacity. He was not much improved in morals, or intelligence, 
 by travel ; but had lost none of his assurance ; rather had in 
 creased it, by presuming on being a travelled person, and hav 
 ing the accomplishment of being able to interlard his speech 
 with an occasional French phrase, such wparlez vouz qiii va 
 

 MODERN CHIVALRY. 15 
 
 Idr a?V enfer que diable out Monsieur and such like, with 
 the addition of the corresponding shrug of the shoulders. 
 
 We resume the narrative, at the place, where the Captain 
 and Teague had arrived within a mile of the village ; the Cap 
 tain having resolved to return home, to rest himself for awhile. 
 It may be noticed, that as a part of his farm was within the 
 borough limits, he might be said to be a resident of the town; 
 and here we must relate what seemed to announce a thrilling 
 adventure 
 
 Passing through a wood, just on the skirts of the village, he 
 saw at some distance, the resemblance of men, suspended on 
 the limbs of trees, or what at first, appeared to be such, but on 
 a nearer approach, proved to be the excuvise of men, such as 
 coats, waist-coats, breeches and hats. The attention of our 
 hero, being at once arrested by these phenomena, if they may 
 be so called, and checking his horse, he called to Teague, and 
 said, what can this be ? Is it probable, Teague, that some of 
 the wags of the village, hearing of your return with me, have 
 been making what they call Paddies, by way of welcome home? 
 It is certainly not done for the purpose of showing their respect 
 for you. 
 
 By Saint Patrick, said Teague, I'll Paddy dem, wid a Shelala 
 Is dis all dere manners, bad luck to dem, an me jist from 
 de great nation across de salt water, and helped to put down 
 Robber Speer. Paddies ! troth an I'll Paddy dem. But may 
 be, 'tis some poor spalpeen, dey have hung up, just for shape- 
 stealing, as dey do in Ireland. 
 
 I see nothing said the Captain, but the emptyings of ward 
 robes, jibbeted through the grove ; stretched on trees, or sus 
 pended from them, phenomena which I am unable to com 
 prehend or explain; for I see no corn growing underneath, 
 from which a scare-crow might affright the birds ; nor can 
 they be vestments of people, at work near hand, or stripped to 
 bathe, as I see no water pond, or river, but a dry grove. - 
 
 In the midst of those conjectures, respecting the strange 
 sight before them, they were suddenly overtaken by an old ac 
 quaintance, John Martin, the village school-master, and even a 
 Latinist, but his scholars falling off, he had of late, been em- 
 
16 MODERN CHIVALRY. 
 
 ployed as a tax collector. After the usual salutations, inquiry 
 was made, respecting the objects which had puzzled the Captain 
 and his man. Those habiliments said Martin, are of the peo 
 ple of the village, urbis populi who have hung them up to the 
 dew, in order to take off the musk of a pole cat, which had 
 effected them, from the perfusions of one of these animals, now 
 ecce signum. But I perceive, that in or der to let you more 
 fully into the knowledge of the business, with which you do not 
 appear to be acquainted rerum cognocere causas must detail 
 more fully, the circumstance, which gave rise to this affair, 
 which is of no common or trifling nature. You must know, 
 then, that not long before this, a typographist, had set up a 
 paper in the village, and in the capacity of editor, had chosen 
 to assume the symbol, or hieroglyphic, of the Porcupine. A 
 happy nature had fitted him for a satyrist, and felicity of edu 
 cation was not wanting to qualify him for the office. He 
 had not the pleasantry of Horace, nor the pungency of Juvenal, 
 but an original stricture of his own, that supplied the place of 
 them. It had a coarseness, and roughness, which is expressed 
 by Horace, in the words defricuit urbem. The'truth is, he had 
 been bred in the barracks, and had at his fingers ends, the 
 familiar phrases of the soldiery, with that species of wit, which 
 is common with that occupation of men, and -in that grade. 
 Doubtless we see something like it in the plebeians of all clas 
 ses and denominations : the women that sell fish at a certain 
 stand in London, have a species of it known by the name of 
 Billingsgate, either because there is a gate of that name near 
 the place, or formerly was one. The miners and coal heavers 
 have a good deal of it. The scavengers and chimney sweepers 
 are adepts, though without the least scholastic education, or 
 knowledge of letters. I have known even in our own country, 
 where we are remote from the seats of the muses, a good deal 
 of it possessed, by way travellers, or boat men on our rivers ; a 
 kind of unshackled dialect ; fettered by no rule of delicacy, or 
 feeling of humanity. I have been turning in my mind what 
 word in our English language, best expresses it, and I have 
 found it to be that which has been given it by Thomas Paine, 
 black-guardism. For what man without indignation can bear 
 
MODERN CHIVALRY. 17 
 
 the touch of the slanderer, more especially if that slander is of 
 a private, and domestic nature, and alludes to what cannot be 
 explained or defended ? Not that it is true, but a man iu the 
 just pride of standing in society, would scorn to appeal to the 
 public or bring it before a court ! 
 
 There was in the village a man of understanding, and sensi 
 bility, who had been the subject of caricature, and not choosing 
 for reasons that weighed with himself, to take it in good part, 
 thought of retaliation. But what could he do ? The same lan 
 guage was unbecoming a gentleman. The like strictures of 
 foibles or of faults on the part of an adversary, could only be 
 come the character of one equally low bred. Nor was it so much 
 his object to repress the licentiousness of this buffoon as to correct 
 the taste and judgment of the public, who did not all at once, 
 distinguish the impropriety of countenancing such ribaldry. 
 
 With a view to this, having taken a pole-cat on the mountains, 
 he had put it in a cage, and hiring an office contiguous to that 
 of the Porcupine, he kept it there, suffering the boys of the vil 
 lage to provoke it, and the dogs to bark at it through the bars. 
 It was in vain to complain; th3 owner called himself Paul 
 Polecat, and when Porcupine expostulated and justified his gall 
 by the freedom of the press, Paul fortified himself on the lib 
 erty of the express. 
 
 But it was not Porcupine alone, nor his unoffending wife and 
 family, that had reason to complain of this nuisance. The 
 children running home to their parents, and the dogs with 
 them, brought the perfume to the houses of the village. The 
 wearing apparel of almost every one was affected with the 
 musk; the women buried their dresses; the men in some in 
 stances did the like, and in others hung them up to the action 
 of the air, and the dews of the adjoining wood. 
 
 While the quondam school master, was occupied in giving 
 this explanation, the party had been slowiy approaching the 
 town They had now got within sight of the main square, 
 when a tumultuous assembly struck the eye; some with fists 
 raised ; others with sticks, and all in a menacing attitude. 
 They could also hear tongues of people altercating with one 
 another, and using opprobrious epithets. 
 
18 MODERN CHIVALRY. 
 
 In fact, the village had become divided, into two parties. 
 Those who had boen the subjects of the obloquy of Porcupine, 
 justified the emission of the cats, and were of opinion that the 
 one had as good a right to be borne as the other. Counsel had 
 been taken, and learned opinions given. But this making the 
 matter no better, the dissention had increased, and the people 
 had come together in a rage. 
 
 Teague at a distance seeing this, stopped short ; said he, 
 what means all dis paple in de street? It is as bad as Saint 
 Antone in Paris, or de place de greeve where dey have de gul- 
 lintiue. De devil burn me if 1 go farder/till your honor goes 
 on and sees what is de matter. Barm tar and fedder.s, I'm 
 not afraid of de best of dern. 
 
 The Captain advancing to the populace, was recognized by 
 them, and his appearance contributed not a little to a longer 
 suspension of hostilities, for notwithstanding his supposed ec 
 centricities, he was held in esteem as a man of sound sense, and 
 as a good citizen. 
 
 Countrymen and fellow citizens, said he, is this the satisfac 
 tion that I have, in returning amongst you after an absence of 
 some months, to see man armed against man, and war waged 
 not only in the very bosom of the republic, but in the village 
 which I regard as my home, and for whose benefit I have trav 
 elled, to acquire a knowledge of the ways of other men, and 
 other societies. Multorum Jiominum et urbes, interrupted Mar" 
 tin. What can be the madness that possesses you ? are not 
 the evils of life sufficient? but you must increase them by the 
 positive acts of your own violence ! You cannot wholly pre 
 serve yourselves at all times free from the maladies of the body, 
 or the distresses of the mind. But it is in your power greatly 
 to assuage these, by the virtues of temperance and moderation- 
 What fury can prompt you, to this degree of apparent resent" 
 ment, and approaching tumult. Is it local or general politics? 
 Is it any disagreement with regard to your corporate interests, 
 or is religion the cause ? Has any flagrant instance of moral 
 turpitude, or exceeding knavery in an individual, roused you 
 to this excess of violence, and exclamation ? 
 
 Captain, said a middle aged man stepping forward, compan- 
 
MODERN CHIVALRY. 19 
 
 ion of his years, Mr. Joseph Cecil, the barber of the village,* 
 Captain, it is not only pleasing to see you return in apparent 
 good health, but more especially, at this particular moment 
 when your interference cannot but be of the greatest use, to the 
 citizens ; not only on account of that confidence which, they 
 have in your judgment and discretion, of which they have a 
 lively recollection ; but as they must naturally think that your 
 travelling has given you knowledge, and brought you home 
 full fraught with learning and information. Your public 
 spirit, your judicious plans for the advancement of general and 
 individual prosperity, are gratefully acknowledged. Your hu 
 manity is also well remembered by them; that man, woman, 
 or child was never injured by you, in life, estate, or reputation; 
 that on the contrary, it was always your study to do good, and 
 compose differences, and prevent lawsuits. Now a misfortune 
 has happened to the village; if I can call it a misfortune, 
 which was at first thought a good; a printer came to this placo 
 and set up a paper, or gazette, by taking subscriptions from 
 those that were willing to give them. His device was the por 
 cupine, figured at the head of the paper, with quills erect, and 
 ready to be discharged. Scarcely a month had gone over his 
 head before he began to lampoon ; searching into the secrets 
 of families, and publishing matters of individuals, with which, 
 whether true or false, the public had nothing to do; and this in 
 so low and disorderly a manner, that the more intelligent have 
 disapproved of it ; but the bulk read, and it seems to increase 
 rather than curtail his subscribers, for all but those who had 
 been stung by the sharp points of his quills, are pleased. A 
 young man on the other hand, a scholar and a wag, meaning to 
 burlesque his manner of writing, having gone to the mountain 
 with a dog, or a trap, and having taken a pole cat, he puts the 
 beast in a cage; hires that frame building that you see, one 
 story high, and but a room on a floor, and calls it his office. 
 Here he places the pole-cat with a man to attend it. What 
 
 *The barber and hair dresser, was a much more important per 
 sonage, than at the present day. He usually went his rounds every 
 morning, to the principal houses, shaved, dressed hair, and gossipsd 
 
20 MODERN CHIVALRY. 
 
 a running of boys ; what a barking of dogs vre have had 1 and 
 when the children|[ran home, and the dogs after them; what a 
 putting of the hand upon the nose, by the servant girls and the 
 mistresses, at the smell that accompanies !^ The young man 
 justifies himself under the pretence that it is but retaliation of 
 the odour that proceeds from the press of Porcupine ; for as 
 this effects the organ of smelling, that disgusts the judgment 
 of the mind. The people are divided, as will always be the 
 case, if for no other cause, yet for the sake of division ; 
 because the pride of one man forbids him to think just as anoth 
 er does. The adversaries of the skunk, or what else it is, insist 
 that it shall be^put down as a nuisance, and have met with 
 clubs, staves and knives, to carry the threat into execution. 
 The advocates of the animal on the other hand have convened 
 to'oppose them. 
 
 But, said the Captain, did I not leave you a regular corpora- 
 tionJ^Have you not power to make bye-laws? and is not this 
 done upon notice given by the chief or assistant burgesses ? 
 Why such hurry scurry as this ? Moreover it is a weighty 
 question that agitates the public mind ; question of right : 
 and where the rights of the citizen come in question, I hold it 
 a most delicate thing to decide; in a free government, more 
 especially, where the essence of liberty is the preservation of 
 right ; and there is the right of conscience, the right of prop 
 erty, the'jright of reputation, and the right to be heard, which 
 is necessary for the security of all other rights. This is a right 
 of property ; for if this animal which is feree naturse, has been 
 reclaimed by the owner, he has a right to put it to such use 
 as Jsuits his trade, or accords with his whim, provided that it 
 does not affect the rights of others. The limit, boundary, or 
 demarkation^of this^use, is a question of wise discussion and 
 examination; and [not in a tumultuous assembly, heated not 
 with whiskey,but with the ardency of their own spirits. I 
 advise therefore, and so far as my weak judgment deserves to 
 be regarded would recommend that each man lay down his 
 ehelalah, baton, or walking-stick, and retire for the evening; 
 and convene to-morrow in a regular town meeting, where the 
 advereariei and advocates on both sides may have^an opportu- 
 
MODERN CUIVALRY. 21 
 
 nity of being heard. To-morrow when ye meet with the chief 
 burgess in the chair, to keep order, and preserve decorum, 
 assign the proper times of speaking, and call to order on a devia 
 tion from the subject, as is usual in deliberative assemblies, the 
 business can be taken up, and conducted as is proper in town 
 meetings. I am now just from my travels, somewhat fatigued, 
 but more moved by the consideration that I am on horse-back, 
 and it is not becoming that I take a part in your debates as if 
 my horse were to speak also. And it is even indecorous for 
 myself to sit here and speak, mounted, as occupying a more 
 elevated station; and should I dismount, my man you see 
 yonder, is kept at bay, by an apprehension of your weapons, 
 and refuses to come up, so that I am without an attendant to 
 hold the beast ; all things considered therefore, I move, a 
 chairman not being appointed, who might put the question, 
 that you adjourn, and dissolve until to-morrow about this time, 
 when the matter may be taken up as we now have it, and the 
 affair canvassed as becomes members of the same community, 
 and inhabitants of the same village. 
 
 It cannot be difficult to conceive that these words had a 
 favorable effect upon the audience; as oils compose a storm; 
 for as the waves of the ocean rise and fall suddenly, so the 
 passions of men; and in no instance more than where they are 
 coming to blows. Approaching anger disposes to peace, every 
 one having felt half a blow already on his head ; and the diffi 
 culty only is to get an excuse, for returning, or sheathing the 
 weapon. They are much obliged to a man that counsels con 
 cord ; and advises the putting down the brickbat, or putting on 
 tlje coat. Even in duelling it holds the same, and the principal 
 is a friend to the second ever after, that manages the matter so 
 wisely that no blood is shed. 
 
 It was moved and seconded that in the mean time, the keep 
 er, or as he called himself, the editor of the pole-cat, should 
 keep his charge within the claustrum, or bars of his cage, and 
 covered with a matting, so that access might not be had to 
 him, by man or beast, or egress on his part, of that offensive 
 odour, which had been the cause of the disturbance. This, the 
 p artizans of the skunk were willing to admit and sanction with 
 
22 HODERX CHIVALRY. 
 
 their acquiescence, on condition, nevertheless, that the Porcu 
 pine in the mean time, should also restrain his quills ; in other 
 words, suspend the effusions of his press, and cease to distrib 
 ute papers for a day or two, during the pendency of the debate. 
 This was thought reasonable, and carried by the multitude 
 holding up their hands; and thus for the present, hostilities 
 were suspended by a truce, as was often the case among the 
 Romans, according to Livy, in their domestic broils. 
 
 CHAPTER II. 
 
 In which tJie proceedings of the town meeting are faithfully re 
 lated. 
 
 THE day following, a meeting being held, and the chief bur 
 gess in the chair, a lawyer who had been engaged by Porcu 
 pine took the floor and spoke. 
 
 Gentlemen said he, the press is the palladium of liberty 
 " The image that fell down from heaven."* The freedom of 
 the press is essential to libery. Shackle the press, and you re 
 strain freedom. The constitutions of the states have provided 
 that the press shall be free. If you muzzle this, you muzzle 
 the mouth of man. You destroy the means of asserting and 
 defending his liberty. You assail the tree at its root. It is the 
 canker worm of despotism, which strives in vain, until it de 
 stroys the liberty of the press. 
 
 It is not the freedom of the press, said one interrupting him, 
 it is the abuse of it that is in question. 
 
 The chief burgess called to order, and the speaker went on. 
 
 That is the point said he to which I meant to come. What 
 
 ""According to the Roman fable, an image of Mars fall down from 
 heaven, and was preserved in the Capitol, under the belief that 
 while kept there, the Republic would be safe. 
 
> 
 
 MODERN CniVALBY. 23 
 
 shall be said to the abuse of the press ? In order to determine 
 this, we must consider its use. This is ; 
 
 1. The amusement of the editor. For as some men amuse 
 themselves, shooting, fishing, or chasing wild beasts, so men of 
 literary taste, find their recreation in penning paragraphs for a 
 paper, sometimes containing information, or observations on 
 the fate of empires, and the character of great men; at other times 
 by descending, or not rising at all, but confining themselves 
 to the subordinate affairs of individuals, and private persons. 
 Some men love to impart information, and they find in it the re 
 ward of their labour. These are of higher natures, who love 
 to do good without other hope of reward. 
 
 2. The profit of the editor : and this depends on the number 
 of subscribers. It is not every one that has a taste for refined 
 writing. Filth and garbage delight bears ; .and swine swill the 
 trough in preference to the running stream. Scurrility is the 
 gout of many. Nay, it is the more prevailing taste : 
 
 " The world is naturally averse 
 To all the truth it sees or hears ; 
 But swallows nonsense and a lie, 
 With greediness and gluttony." 
 
 In Britain, or some other countries, delicacy may succeed. 
 But the coarse stomachs of the Americans crave indecency ; at 
 least a portion of it. Rough like their own woods and wild 
 beasts, they digest scurrility. 
 
 Well spoken, said the lawyer of the Pole cat man, as soon as 
 the counsel for Porcupine had stopped to spit, and turn his 
 quid But does not his argument, equally justify the freedom 
 of the Polecat ? You talk of the freedom of the press. Here 
 is the freedom of the express. Nay the word expression which 
 is common to both institutions, the artificial one of the types 
 and the natural one of the cat, shows the original to be similar, 
 and the comparison to run on all fours. If the ink cast into 
 black letter, and carrying with it pain and pungency from the 
 ideas communicated, is tolerated ; much more the volatile 
 alkali of the animal that is now set up, is to be borne, as not 
 more offensive to body or mind. Shall the bark of trees made 
 
*24 MODERN CHIVALRY. 
 
 into powder, and this powder into a liquid, impregnated with 
 thought, and put upon paper, and carried to the press, be 
 accounted harmless, notwithstanding the violence of the decoc 
 tion, yet the wild cats that inhabit these trees, and are denizens 
 of the forest, must be prohibited because of a bag under their 
 tails which contains an unsavoury secretion, and may occasion 
 ally be spurted upon men? 
 
 Porcupine's lawyer resumed. The principles of the common 
 law embrace this case. It is unlawful to exercise trades in 
 ^own that occasion noisome smells ; they are abateable as nui 
 sances. It is therefore, entirely different from the press, which 
 offends none of the senses. The cases are uotparattcl, although 
 " they run on all fours." 
 
 Grant it, said the juris-consult, on the pole-cat side; but 
 when it is in retaliation, or in self-defence against an editor 
 whose defamation is more offensive to the feelings of the mind, 
 than the hogo of a civit to the sense of smelling ; or when it is 
 used in burlesque, and by way of analogy and symbol, to explain 
 the impropriety of encouraging personal abuse by taking 
 papers it may correct by loading to reflection. The mind may 
 be insensible to abstract lessons, but a paradigm, or objoct set 
 before it may affect. According to the poet, things placed 
 directly before the eye, produce a much greater effect than when 
 only described. 
 
 Segnius irritant animos demissa per aurem exclaimed the 
 latin school master. As to this man exercising his trade, con 
 tinued the lawyer, it is an occupation which can be carried on 
 to a advantage only in a town ; for it is in towns chiefly 
 that editors assemble ; and it is by setting up under our noses, 
 and affecting the readers, that the impression is made. For if 
 the public will receive libels into their houses for the use of 
 themselves and families, let them take a little of this hartshorn 
 with it, and if they will have the one, bear the other. A ground 
 of the common law is general reason adapted to particular 
 cases. I grant that it even goes so far as to make the keeping 
 hogs in a pen near my window, in towns, a nuisance ; but this 
 is a town incorporated, and can by a bye-law regulate a new 
 
' MODERN CHIVALRY. 25 
 
 trade. I hold it to be a matter of vote whether this quadruped 
 shall be tolerated or excluded. 
 
 The advocate for the press rejoined. The common law, said 
 he, protects the press. It is the right of the tongue transferred 
 to the hand : it ought to be as free as the air that we breathe. 
 The privilege as unfettered as the organs of articulation. But 
 what is there in the common law to protect from the aspersion 
 of this animal with its foeted odour, perhaps the cause of 
 epidemics ? 
 
 The polecat man replied. It is on principle and by analogy, 
 said he, that it is protected. Does not the law of water courses 
 apply to this ? If a man divert a stream from my meadow, or 
 obstruct one running through it, so as to dam it up, and drown 
 the grass, have not I a remedy ? Shall this man at much 
 expense and charge bring a beast from the mountains, tame it, 
 or reduce it under his dominion, and apply it to a purpose in 
 civilized and domestic life, and shall we say that the common 
 law does not protect him in the enjoyment of its musk ? 
 
 The advocate on the side of Porcupine rejoined. So use your 
 own, said he, that you trespass not upon another man's. If 
 you keep your smell, and hogs at home to your own nose, there 
 is no objection. But in the nature of the thing it cannot be ; 
 for the air is the natural conducter ; and therefore it cannot 
 but exist a nuisance. 
 
 Surrejoinder; but after all, is it more a nuisance than the 
 press, which it has in view to correct ? 
 
 At this instant a commotion was perceivable amongst the 
 multitude : not on occount of what was said, or meaning any 
 disturbance^of the debate ; but the rumour was, that a fresh cat 
 had been brought from the hills above the town, and was on its 
 way to the pole-cat man who had offered a reward for an addi 
 tional puss to increase his stock ; and as it was conjectered, 
 meant to play it off under the pretext that the prohibition 
 contained in the armistice extended only to the individual 
 beast that he had before in his possession. 
 
 The Captain, at this, rising, said: this is not fair. It is 
 within the reason if not the express words of the convention, 
 that all annoyances by steam, vapour or effluvia proceeding 
 
2(3 MODERX CHIVALRY. 
 
 from a pole-cat shall be suspended during the pendency of this 
 question ; and it is an evasion to substitute another badger, and 
 by that means attempt to elude the stipulation. 
 
 The pole-cat man got up to explain. It is far from me, said 
 he, to elude or evade the performance of the stipulation. The 
 fact is, that hearing a day or two ago, that Porcupine was about 
 to enlarge his sheet, and for that purpose had employed a jour" 
 neyrnan, more, I thought it not amiss to extend the scale of my 
 vapour, and employ two conduits instead of one. For that pur 
 pose, I had sent to the woods for another cat, which is now on 
 the way, but in a leathern bag by my directions, and not to 
 have regress or egress, until this assembly shall dissolve, nor 
 for a reasonable time after, that eundo, and redeundo or going, 
 as well as coming, you may be safe, let what will be the issue 
 of the controversy ; whether I am to break up stock, or be 
 suffered to go on. 
 
 This explanation gave satisfaction, and composed the 
 assembly. 
 
 John Robeson the carpenter, who was something of a wag, 
 now occupied the floor. I am, said he for supporting the press. 
 The objection i, that it is a black-guard press. But while there 
 are black-guards to write and to read, must they not have a press? 
 Is it only men of polished education that have the rightto express 
 their sentiments? Let them write in magazines, or have 
 gazettes of their own;, but not restrict the right that people of 
 a less cultivated understanding, have to amuse themselves 
 and others with their lucubrations. You call us the Swinish 
 multitude ; and yet refuse us the food that is natural to us. 
 Are there not amongst us those that have no relish for disquisi 
 tions on the balance of power, or form of governments, argricul- 
 tural essays, or questions of finance, but can relish a laugh 
 raised at the expense of the master of a family ; or a public 
 character in high station ; if for no other reason, but because 
 it gratifies the self-love of those who cannot attain the same 
 eminence? Take away from us this and what have we more? 
 What is the press to us, but as it gratifies envy? Is there to be 
 an end to tne lies, ribaldry and abuse, so necessary for the 
 amusement of the people? One might as well attempt to put down 
 
MODERN CH1TALRY. 27 
 
 bull fights in Spain, boxing in England, or beer drinking and 
 smoking, in Germany. 
 
 I think said a bookish taylor, named Finnimore, now 
 rising, I think the gentleman means to be ironical. But let us 
 take the matter seriously. I am on the same side with him, 
 but not for the same reasons. I take it that scurrility may be 
 useful to those that hear it and are the subjects of it. It may 
 bring to a man's knowledge, and serve to correct foibles that he 
 wonld not otherwise have been conscious of. Men will bear 
 from the buffoon or jester, things they would not take from a 
 friend, and scarcely from a confessor. It was on this principle 
 that in the middle ages of Europe, a profession of men was 
 indulged in the houses of the great, called the Joculators. So 
 late as the time of James I, we had one of these of the name of 
 Archy. The Duke of Buckingham having taken offence at 
 something that he said, had him whipped. It was thought 
 beneath a man of honor to have taken notice of it and inflicted 
 punishment. I consider the bulk of our editors as succeeding 
 to the joculators of the early periods ; and as the knights of 
 character and dignity of those times were not bound to notice 
 the sallies however gross of jesters ; so now a gentleman is not 
 bound to notice the defamation of gazettes ; nay, as in the 
 former instance, it was deemed uncourteous and unbecoming to 
 resent what the fool said, so now what a printer chooses to 
 publish. Selden in his table-talk remarks, " that a gallant 
 man is above ill words. We have an example of this in the 
 old lord of Salisbury, who was a great wise man. Stone had 
 called some lord about the court, fool. The lord complains, 
 and has Stone whipped. Stone cries, I might have called my 
 lord of Salisbury often enough, fool, before he would have 
 had me whipped." As in the case of the Merry Andrew, even 
 when there was no wit, it was taken for wit; so now, when an 
 editor means to divert, howewr dull his abuse, it ought to be 
 the mode to laugh, to keep those who knew no better in coun 
 tenance. 
 
 The Captain rising and putting himself in the attitude of 
 speaking, seemed to claim the attention of the audience. I 
 would wish to know, said he, how the ancients managed these 
 
 
28 MODERN CHIVALRY. 
 
 matters ; in the Republics of Greece and Home, especially. 
 For since I have been abroad and heard public speeches, 
 I find that it is no unusual thing to draw illustrations from the 
 sayings and doings of antiquity. In deliberative assemblies, 
 talking of governments, they tell you of the Amphytrionic 
 Council ; the Achean league, the Ionian confederacy. What 
 was the freedom of the press at Athens or at Rome ? 
 
 The freedom of tKo press, said the latinist, interposing 
 there was no press at those places, or those times. The invention 
 of printing is of a later date. But they had what they called 
 the stylum whence the word style and they impressed their 
 thoughts upon wax. They made use of ink in copying upon 
 vellum and parchment. But notwithstanding the want of a 
 press, they were not without satyric salt in their writings. 
 Cum grane sails as Horace expresses it. Nor are we to sup 
 pose that they were altogether free from what we denominate 
 scurrility. They could call a spade a spade. Aristophanes 
 was a black-guard. His comedy of the clouds is a sufficient 
 specimen. Lucilius, amongst the Romans, was a rough man. 
 Cum lutulentus flueret. Do we suppose that nature was not 
 then the same as it is now ? On board the Roman gallies was 
 there no low humours ? In the Roman camps none ? In the 
 Forum no occasional ribaldry ? Would not this naturally get 
 up into higher walks ? Would not this creep into corporations ? 
 sometimes in verse; sometimes in prose. The poet speaks of 
 the Fesscenine verses. Amongst the Romans the Saturnalia, 
 or days of Saturn, became a festival in which it was allowable 
 to exercise their faculties in all intemperance of language. 
 
 This is all wide of the question, said a little man with a short 
 body, and long legs, known as Johney Cooper the leathern 
 breeches maker, holding his hand upon his nose It is, shall 
 we tolerate the pole-cat in this village ? for in spite of all the 
 pains that may have been taken \o restrain the pet, and con 
 fine it by a matting, I feel a portion of the dregs this very mo 
 ment, come across my nose, by a puff of wind from that quar- 
 er, where it is. I move that the question be taken whether, 
 whatever becomes of the press, the nuisance of this beast be not 
 suffered in the vicinity. For what can a newspaper do, com- 
 
MODERN CHIYALRY. 29 
 
 pared with this ? It is sent us and we read or do not read the 
 publication. But this is involuntary, on our part, and there is 
 no saving ourselves from the exhalation. 
 
 I move the previous question, said a civit-man ; I move that 
 the press be put down. 
 
 There is hardship both ways, said a respectable and elderly 
 inhabitant, Mr. Gormly, the blacksmith of the village. In a 
 community different interests will exist. Family interests; 
 family attachments ; party connections ; and party interests. 
 To have a printer all on one side, is an inequality. What if 
 we prevail upon the owner, or as he would call himself the 
 publisher of the pole-cat, to give up or sell out his establish 
 ment, dismiss the wild beast, or return it to the mountains, and 
 institute in its place, a counter press of types and black-ball, 
 that may be a match for Porcupine ? 
 
 The Captain, rising hastily ; a thing unusual with him ; for 
 he was naturally grave and sedate ; but suddenly feeling the 
 impulse of the congruity, he started from his seat, and sec 
 onded the proposition for another press ; for said he, the yery 
 kind of editor qualified for such a press, is at hand ; a waiter 
 of mine. A bog-trotter, taken, not on the Balagate, but on the 
 Irish mountains : an aboriginal of the island ; notysur Scotch 
 Irish, so called, a colony planted in Ulster, by king James the 
 1st of England, when he subdued the natives; but a real 
 Paddy, with the brogue on his tongue, and none on his feet ; 
 brought up to sheep-stealing from his youth ; for his ancestors 
 inhabiting the hills, were a kind of free-booters, time immemo 
 rial, coming down to the low grounds, and plundering the more 
 industrious inhabitants. Captured by traps set upon the hills 
 or surrounded in the bogs, attempting his escape, he had been 
 tamed and employed in digging turf, before he came to my hands. 
 I bought him from an Irish vessel, just as a curiosity, not that 
 I expected much service from him ; but to see what could be 
 made of a rude man by care and patience. The rogue has a low 
 humour, and a sharp tongue, with unbounded impudence. And 
 what may be a restraint upon the licentiousness of his press, 
 chould he set up one, he is a most abominable coward,* the 
 
 *There i no braver people than the Spaniards, yet Gervantei pear 
 
 2* 
 
30 MODERN CHIVALRY. 
 
 idea of a cudgelling will keep him in bounds, should he over 
 match Porcupine, and turn upon his employers. He has all 
 the low phrases, cant expressions, illiberal reflections, that could 
 be collected from the company he has kept since he has had 
 the care of my horse, and run after my heels in town and 
 country, for several years past. What is more, he has been in 
 France, and has a spice of the language, and a tang of Jaco 
 binism in his principles and conversation, that will match the 
 contrary leaning carried to an exorbitant excess in Porcupine. 
 I do not know that you can do better than contribute to a paper 
 of his setting up. He may call it the Mully-Grub, or give it 
 some such title as will bespeak the nature of the matter it will 
 usually contain. 
 
 The School Master here put in a word. I am far, said he, 
 from a disposition to spoil sport ; but when the useful is mixed 
 with the pleasant, I count every point gained. 
 
 Oinne tulitpunctum 
 
 I never had intended more, said the pole-cat man, than to 
 reach the sensations of the multitude, and bring them to their 
 senses. It is only by an appeal to the sense of feeling that the 
 mind sometimes can be awakened. The public have now 
 some idea that the licentiousness of the press, is not more a 
 nuisance in the moral, than offensive smells are in the physical 
 world. I shall agree that the cat be removed, and as a substi 
 tute, shall subscribe to the Mully-Grub. 
 
 resents Sancho as a coward. It was necessary to the character, for 
 personal courage carries, with ii i n g pit e ot us, a sort of respect. 
 
 

 CHAPTER III. 
 
 The Captain feels dissatisfied with himself for offering Teague 
 as an Editor, but is unexpectedly relieved by the fight of 
 Porcupine. 
 
 The day after the town meeting, the Captain began to re- 
 first, that he could not avoid being implicated in the character 
 of the paper about to be established. O'Regan was known to 
 be his servant; at least to be under his influence, and he would 
 be considered the real editor, and Teague the ostensible; and 
 though the fact was known at home, that he had nothing to do 
 with it, yet abroad it would bear a different construction, and 
 lefutation would be difficult. Having supported the character 
 of a gentleman, and being still willing to support that charac 
 ter, how could he endure to have the volumes of scurrility, that 
 would appear, imputed to him ; or supposed to be admitted 
 with his approbation ? Uneasy with this upon his mind, he 
 could see no way to get out of the labyrinth in which he had 
 involved himself, by inadvertently proposing Teague. He 
 thought it however his duty, to disclose to the bog-trotter, the 
 office to which he was destined. Maintaining good faith, he 
 was unwilling to make use of his influence to dissuade from 
 the undertaking ; or to deter by representing the danger that 
 existed, and the consequences that might ensue. This he 
 could easily have done, by suggesting the guillotine, or even a 
 cudgelling, or lynching, the more common kind of wild justice 
 in this republic. But good faith forbad. 
 
 But what was the amazement of every one, when news was 
 brought that Porcupine had decamped in the mean time ! 
 Whether it was that the talents of Teague had been magnified, 
 and he did not chose to engage in competition with one so 
 much his superior, lest he should lose by comparison, the repu 
 tation he had acquired ; or what is more likely, the constables 
 were after him for debt, his press and types having been seized 
 the day before, and sold for rent, and new demands of a 
 
32 MODERN CHIVALRY. ^ 
 
 smaller nature coming against him, fines and penalties also 
 hanging over him for libels ; and damages recoverable in ac 
 tions of defamation ; but so it was, that he had disappeared. 
 
 We are thus sometimes unexpectedly relieved f/om difficulty 
 without any agency of our own, after having looked in vain 
 for a way to escape. As in the case of Sinbad the sailor, a 
 hole to creep out offers itself in the very moment of despair. 
 
 The captain was relieved from the embarrassment which he 
 had endeavored to conceal, because he now saw a way open to 
 set aside the idea of a press, which he had reason to appre 
 hend his bog-trotter would not be competent to conduct with 
 reputation. 
 
 Townsmen, and fellow citizens, said he, (taking advantage 
 of an assemblage of the people which took place on the occa 
 sion of a horse-racing, a few days after the town meeting,) I 
 am glad that the reason has ceased, on which we proposed to 
 act in the affair of the press. That is to say, the setting up 
 of the bog-trotter in the capacity of an editor as a match for 
 Porcupine, for he has disappeared; and what need we buff at 
 the bear when there is no bear to buff at? Unless indeed we 
 could set him up, expecting from him a chaste and pure paper 
 containing solid information, and strictures useful to the re 
 public. But that, from his education and manners, we have no 
 reason to expect. It is true, if he had sense to collect the 
 ideas, and give them expression, he has had opportunities to 
 observe what if known and digested, might essentially serve 
 to preserve from extremes in a free government. He has seen 
 the folly of the people of France, if, those occasionally thrown 
 into the representative assemblies, could be called the people. 
 He has seen the folly of these in reducing all things to the first 
 elements instead of accommodating to existing establishments; of 
 deracinating from their foundation church and state, and ban 
 dying the term liberty, until ignorance and usurpation termi 
 nated in despotism. For though at the commencement of a re 
 volution, active and uninformed spirits, are useful, or perhaps 
 absolutely necessary, like the subterranean fire throwing up 
 continents; yet as in this case, the fostering dews, and the 
 breath of the atmosphere, are necessary to give soil and im- 
 
MODERN CHIVALRY. 33 
 
 pregnate with vegetation ; so after the stirrings of mens' minds, 
 with a political convulsion, deliberate reason, and prudent 
 temperament are necessary, to preserve what is gained, and 
 turn it to. advantage. But this sans culotte, for so he was call 
 ed in France ; and well he might ; for he was without femorals 
 when he went away, and when he came back, this sans culotte 
 is not a Mirabeau. He has kept no journal; he has made no 
 observations except of mens' heads chopped off by the guillo 
 tine. He has brought back little with him, except, ce que dit; 
 que ce vous la; donnez moi, kick shaws, and such like. I 
 think we are well off with him and let him go to his vocation. 
 
 CHAPTER IV. 
 
 Reasons for continuing fJiis history. Tlie author discourses of 
 the means of public instruction for the people the pulpit 
 the press and the courts of justice. 
 
 Captain Farrago being now at home, we must not look for 
 those stirring incidents by flood and field, which give interest to 
 the lives of heroic men. Indeed, I know not whether, I should 
 have troubled myself further with the Captain and Teague, 
 but for the purpose of recording some of the ideas of the Cap 
 tain for the improvement of the community, suggested by a 
 patriotic feeling. It was the practice of the ancient Greeks 
 and Roman authors, to introduce speakers in a dialogue, occa 
 sionally at banquets ; or as the philosophers in their walks and 
 conversations, moralized in parables, and feigned cases, a way 
 of reasoning, and address, less offending the self-love of men 
 than what has the appearance of immediate and direct instruc 
 tion. Nor will the publication of the foregoing hints on the 
 illiberality of the press, be thought even now, altogether use 
 less; for though since the escape of Porcupine,* and the death 
 of Callender, there has been an ebb of this flood of scurrility, 
 
 *Cobbett. 
 
34 MODERN CHIVALRY. 
 
 yet dropping the figure, the American press has not been 
 wholly free from the stains of the like paragraphs. The ap 
 plication therefore may not be wholly without an object, and 
 in the painting there may be seen some existing resemblances. 
 For though, as the almanac-makers say, " it is calculated for a 
 particular meridian, yet it may, without sensible variation, 
 serve other latitudes." No man can have a higher opinion of 
 the dignity of station occupied by the editor of a paper under 
 a free government, than 1 have. I think it is one of the most 
 honorable, as well as the most useful in society. I am unwil 
 ling therefore that it be degraded, and I am happy to observe 
 that the example of the two monsters mentioned, has had the 
 effect to disgust the public. 
 
 I take the pulpit, the courts of judicature, and the press, to 
 be the*three great means of sustaining and enlightening a re 
 public. The Scriptures are replete with the finest sayings of 
 morality, which give them a value beyond all other writings. 
 It is true with one of the Greek and Latin School, it is plea 
 sant to quote the classics, applying them appropriately, at the 
 same time storing the mind from them, with apt thoughts and 
 terms of expression, as from a treasury or unfailing mine. Yet 
 the sacred writings, of an Oriental cast, contain pithy obser 
 vations upon life and manners, than which there can be no 
 thing more delightful to remember and quote, and more profi 
 table to carry into practice. Reading the Scriptures by young 
 people ; hearing them explained and introduced by quotation, 
 sermon and lectures from the pulpit, raises the affections to 
 virtue, and forms the judgment in the conduct of life. They 
 inculcate the great truths of an overruling Providence of an 
 eternal principle of justice and of the immortality of the soul. 
 The Bible should therefore be regarded as the firm basis of 
 public instruction in the commonwealth. 
 
 The courts of judicature are a school of justice and honor. 
 A great ground of the law, are the principles of universal jus 
 tice. The arguments of counsel, the verdicts of juries, and de 
 cisions of judges, applied to particular cases or transactions: 
 it is ethics, or moral philosophy, teaching by example. The 
 service on juries, is a great school for the pople, where every 
 
MODERN CHIVALRY. 35 
 
 citizen in his turn is a judge, and learns his own rights, and to 
 respect the rights of others. The decisions of the courts, have re 
 spect to the great principles of moral honesty. But the sphere 
 is confined, compared with that of the Press, which has a vast 
 range ; and for this reason ought to preserve the greater deli 
 cacy in language and sentiment. Even the war of the sword 
 has its laws it is not allowable to poison springs, or the 
 means of life. In a paper war, nothing is justifiable that does 
 not tend to establish a position, or determine a controversy; 
 that which outrages humanity, is ths cruelty of a savage, who 
 puts to death with torture, or disfigures, to glut revenge. 
 We have seen even religious societies, when not enlightened 
 by moral philosophy, do very wicked things, and apparently 
 with a clear conscience, as in the case of witch burning, or the 
 persecution of heretics, that is, of those who differ from them 
 in religious dogma. The Christians of Abysinia, according to 
 Bruce, have their creeds, and religious observances; and yet in 
 morals are worse than the savages around them. It may be 
 said, that it is not the right kind of Christianity; but how can 
 we judge but by its fruits ? And those fruits must be judged 
 by their good or evil effects. Captain Gardner, a pious man, for 
 many years was engaged in the slave-trade without suspecting 
 it was wrong. It is to the practical exercise of righteousness that 
 I give the name of moral philosophy, for want of a better term. 
 Civilized manners and enlightened opinions, are fashioned by 
 it, and these even give a character to Christianity, to which the 
 seed of that true philosophy is to be ascribed. The writings of 
 all our moral writers, Addison, Johnston, and even novelists, 
 as well as our moral sermons, have this tendency; while mere 
 metaphysical doctrine, is comparatively barren in its effects on 
 life, and manners, or morals. 
 
 To know what may be said in a paper, or in what manner 
 it may be said, the editor whom the public alone knows, need 
 nly consider what would become a gentleman to say, in pro 
 miscuous society. Whether conversing in the manner he 
 writes, or in which, what ia inserted, is written, he would be 
 heard with respect, and treated with civility. Good breeding 
 is as necessary in print as in'conversation. The want of it 
 
36 MODERN CHIVALRY. 
 
 equally entitles to the appellation of an ill-bred man. The 
 press can have no more license than the tongue. At the tribu 
 nal of common sense it has less, because an expression might 
 escape a man, which might receive pardon, or excuse, as the 
 offspring of inadvertance ; but writing is deliberate, and you 
 may turn back and strike out the allusion, or correct the term. 
 
 National character is interested in the delicacy of the press. 
 It is a disgrace to a people to have amongst them volumes of 
 scurrility circulated through their post-offices, with a peculiar 
 privilege of centage, placed upon the benches in our public 
 houses, or sent home to our private dwellings. 
 
 Is this the occupation to which it ought to be an honor to 
 belong ; to which a father would wish to put a son, having 
 educated him with the best advantages, and giving him, as he 
 had thought, a duty as sacred as the priesthood, and with a 
 more exclusive sphere of action, than the barrister; having it 
 in high commission by the constitution of his country, " to 
 canvass the conduct of men in public offices," and inform the 
 public, " where the matter is proper for public information." 
 
 It does not follow, that because a man takes a paper, he ap 
 proves of all that is in it. It is certainly censurable to contin- 
 tinue our subscription to a paper, the prevailing tenor of which 
 is defamatory of individuals ; but were we to reject a paper be 
 cause it is occasionally so, there are few papers that we should 
 take at all. The American press has been most abominably 
 gross, and defamatory, and there are few publications of this 
 nature, that have been at all times unexceptionable. A man 
 will be astonished sometimes to hear of himself, or of others, 
 what has not the slightest foundation, but in the invention of 
 the paragraphist. There may be some prototype, filmy origin 
 to the unsubstantial fabric ; possibly not even a vapour, but in 
 the breath of the defamer. Is the assassin odious, and not the 
 author of anonymous abuse ? Yet such is the error of opinion 
 with some, that they think it not dishonorable to attack anony 
 mously. It is cowardice in a free country, where the law is equal; 
 where no censure exists to make it necessary to conceal the au" 
 thor of the pasquenade. A brave man will scorn subterfuge and 
 concealment. An honest man will own himself and his opinions. 
 
M01>R CHIYALRr. 37 
 
 
 
 CHAPTER V. 
 
 Teague is dissatisfied with not being an editor. He is persuad* 
 ed by the Captain to turn author, and compose his memoirs of 
 adventure in France. The good advice of the Captain on the 
 occasion. 
 
 There was one person dissatisfied with the arrangement just 
 related, and that was Teague. He had got the notion of sub 
 scriptions into his head, which would bring ready money ; as 
 for the editorship, he never troubled himself about it. Teague, 
 said the Captain to him, if many a man had what you have in 
 his power, he would make a fortune by it, You have been in 
 France, and what is more in the concierge, after playing a con 
 spicuous part in the revolution. That itself would fill a vol 
 ume. If you want subscriptions, why not for that? It will 
 sell for ready money, and bring a pretty penny these limes. 
 
 In troth, said Teague, and it would make a book as big as de 
 praste's mass book, if I was to tell whatever I saw dere wid my 
 two eyes. Divil a sowl would belave what I did, among dose 
 French, dat are always jabberin wid de brogue on der tongue, 
 and say noting. Wid der footers, and parblues, Fd make a 
 book as big a horse-block. 
 
 Well then, Teague, said the Captain, you must set about it. 
 The first thing you must consider is the manner in which it 
 will be written ; whether your narrative shall be in the first 
 person, as, " I did this," and " I did that," or whether in the 
 second person, as it were speaking of you, "O'Regan having 
 done so, or made an observation to this effect." And whether 
 it should be in the way of continued narrative with chapters, 
 or in the shape of a journal, or be cast in the way of letter. 
 For all these modes of writing are used as best suits the travel- 
 er; or may be thought moat pleasing to the reader. One ad 
 vantage you will have, that you need not stick pertinaciously 
 to the truth ; for travellers have a license to deviatf ; and thej 
 I 
 
*3 MOttERX CHIVALRY. 
 
 are not considered as on oath, or upon honor in giving their ac 
 counts. Embellishment is allowable ; some illuminations of 
 the narrative ; though confining yourself to the truth strictly, 
 I make no doubt your story will be sufficiently extravagant, and 
 of course border on the marvellous. 
 
 The fact was, that the bog-trotter had incidents sufficient to 
 enliven his history. He had been in the suit of Anacharsis 
 Cloots, he had been taken up in a balloon some distance from 
 the earth, and let down by a parachute, instead of a sheep. It 
 is true, this was not with his own consent, but by force ; the 
 Parisian thinking it of little account whether the experiment 
 was made with him or a less valuable animal. 
 
 It would make a book to exhaust these particulars, and many 
 more that occurred. The Captain having recommended the 
 work, was concerned to have it accomplished with some credit 
 to those concerned, and therefore thought it advisable to give 
 the author some hints before he entered on the task. 
 
 Teague, said he, the first thing to be thought of, is a place to 
 write. The extremes are two, the cellar and the garret. The 
 cellar was chosen by an orator of Greece, to write his orations, 
 or at least prepare for the writing them ; for in this, he is said 
 to have copied over eight times the history of Thucidydes* 
 Whether it is the darkness, or the solitude of the cavern, that 
 is congenial to the talent of writing, may be a question. I 
 should think, however, that the serial mansion of a garret is 
 most favourable to the lighter species of writing, such as mad 
 rigals; or paragraphs inmagzines, or novels. But as yours is 
 a serious work, it may be above the subterranean, and below 
 the firmament. Perhaps a middle story may suffice. It will 
 depend, however, on your head. If you find yourself light, go 
 down; if heavy, mount; and thus adjust your apartment to 
 your feelings. The wasp chooses the garret; but the spider is 
 found in the cellar ; and his weaving is an emblem of the com 
 position of an author. 
 
 As to style, just write as you would speak, and give your ac 
 count with simplicity, without affectation; understanding your 
 subject well, and use no more words, than are necessary to 
 express your meaning. 
 
MODERN CHIVALRY. 30 
 
 As to paper whether common or woven; or as to type, 
 whether single or double pica; these are terms I do not under 
 stand, I see them in advertisement?, and that is all I know 
 about them. Whether duodecimo, octavo, or folio, will depend 
 upon the bulk of what is to be printed. 
 
 CHAPTER VI. 
 
 Which treats of village matters. Captain Farrago is not 
 pleased with some things. 
 
 Captain Farrago, had now been some weeks at home, ma 
 king enquiry into the history of the village ; what changes in 
 the domestic affairs of his neighbors ; what good and bad for 
 tune had happened to individuals, at the same time walking 
 through the town, and observing the improvements, or delap- 
 idations in the buildings or streets. It was obvious that little 
 attention had been paid for some time to public works, the foot 
 ways were neglected, and the water courses filled up, and gul 
 lies made in some places by the rains. The fountain which 
 had been begun, on the side of the hill, where there was a 
 fine spring, had remained unfinished. 
 
 What can be the reason of all this, said he to the citizens ; 
 It was answered that the chief and assistant burgesses had been 
 extravagant; that the works, by charter of incorporation they had 
 the power to project, were extensive, and the consequent taxes 
 which they had a right to impose, and which became neces 
 sary, were thought oppressive. The people had left out these 
 officers at the annual election, and chosen new. That these 
 wishing to preserve popularity, had let all matters rest, and 
 had neither made improvements, nor raised taxes. 
 
 And will this please always 1 They have turned out one set 
 for doing too much ; and they will turn out the next for doing 
 nothing. 
 
 But why not hit a medium ? said the Captain. A difficulty 
 occurs continued the speaker. In the works projected, tha 
 
40 MODERN CHIVALRY. 
 
 people insist that no man shall be consulted in his own occu 
 pation. The mason shall make out the bills of scantling; and 
 the carpenter determine the arches of a stone bridge. 
 
 That is, said the Captain, as in a city that I passed through 
 in my travels. The physicians claimed a right to judge of laws* 
 and the lawyers of physic: reversing the maxim, that every 
 man is to be trusted in his own profession. 
 
 This is republicanism run mad. The sovereign people would 
 do well to imitate other sovereigns, at least in this: that they 
 trust even foreigners in the arts, and not by an unreasonable 
 jealousy, lose the advantage of judgment, which is not in the 
 nature of things, that they themselves can possess. 
 
 Political divisions will always exist. It is inseparable from 
 the nature of a community. And it is not in the nature of 
 things that the power can be long on one side. The dura 
 tion depends upon tlie judgment of using it. The people will 
 revolt from themselves when thej find they have done wrong, 
 and that side which was now the weakest will become th e 
 strongest. 
 
 CHAPTER VII. 
 
 0' Regan engages tlie schoolmaster to do the writing of his mem 
 oirs, and proceeds to obtain subscriptions. TJie Captain visits 
 the principal of the new acadamy. 
 
 Teague not being able to read or write, found this circum 
 stance at first in the way of being an author, but he succeeded 
 in engaging the services of Martin the schoolmaster, and in 
 the meantime employed nimself in obtaining subscriptions 
 which his stock of blarney facilitated. 
 
 Among the advertisements on the tavern and shop doors, the 
 Captain observing one day, the want of a suitable person in 
 the newly established academy, as it was styled, to instruct in 
 the French language, was led to reflect that after dictating 
 his memoirs, Teague would be out of employment, and that a 
 
MODERN CHIVALRY. 41 
 
 vacancy of this kind might tally with his faculties, having 
 been in France where the language itself is spoken by man 
 woman and child, and that his attainments must be superior 
 to those who have acquired the tongue from dead books, 
 when unaccustomed to the sound, resolved to visit the prin 
 cipal of the academy and propose for Teague. 
 
 The Principal received him politely, but was not a little sur 
 prised as may be supposed at the proposal, after the Captain's 
 description of O'Regan. He could easily comprehend the in- 
 competency of this man to teach the language in a school of 
 of learning, where it is expected to be taught grammatically ; 
 and the absurdity of taking his lingo, for French, if he had 
 the brogue in that pronunciation as he had in English. But 
 it might not be an easy matter to convince the Captain of this, 
 who appeared to have an undue opinion of his acquirements. 
 Nevertheless he endeavored to make himself intelligible on 
 this subject, by observing that there was a wide difference 
 between a public professor in a college, and a private tutor 
 who attends pupils occasionally; that in a seminary of learning, 
 the rudiments of a language were usually taught by rules ; and 
 it was an object to understand the parts of speech into which 
 the tongue was divided ; the use of the articles, if there were 
 any; the inflections of the cases, the variations of the genders ; 
 the conjugations of the verbs ; the concords of syntax ; and 
 after all this the idiom, or peculiar phrases and structures of 
 a sentence; that from what the Captain had informed him, and 
 and what he himself had gleaned from others, of the 
 characteristics of his subordinate, the academy was not his 
 province, but the village. He fc might employ his talents to ad 
 vantage, instructing young gentlemen and ladies in the French 
 tongue, at their houses ; with a grammar and without a diction 
 ary ; or without a grammar ; and with the voice and diction 
 only. For in fact it was of little consequense how they were 
 taught; for they would learn nothing; and barbers and tumblers 
 that had come in and undertaken to instruct, had done as well 
 as wiser masters ; for they had amused their pupils ; and amuse 
 ment was all the pupils would be willing to receive. Enough 
 if they can get a word or two that sounds like French, to throw 
 
42 MODERN CHIYALRY. 
 
 out to a lady in a dance ; as, parlez vous madam ; or s'il vous 
 plais. 
 
 Captain Farrago, readily admitted the truth of these obser 
 vations ; wondered that it had not struck him before^ and 
 excused himself in the best manner he could. 
 
 It may be a digression, said the Captain ; but it is a useful 
 inquiry. Do you conceive that the American youth are too 
 hastily manufactured, and come forward too soon into life ? 
 
 Unquestionably, said the Principal. Education here is un 
 naturally hastened. Our minority is too short to make a great 
 man. "We overstep the modesty of nature," and suffer our 
 young men to come forward into councils that require the heads 
 of age. Hence our juvenile speeches in debates. Hence the 
 wild fire in our councils. The young gentlemen of the village 
 are above learning, as soon as they have got on a pair of pan 
 taloons, and half boots. They are out of their education, and 
 men before their time. We had an election the other day, for 
 a chief burgess. It was a matter of astonishment to those of 
 the old school, to see a youth come forward, born after his com 
 petitor had been ranked with the sages of the village, and claim 
 the suffrages of the citizens. It had an unfavorable effect upon 
 the very dumb creation. It was not enough that the lada under 
 age, began to raise their voices and vociferate ; but it seemed 
 that the young of animals had gained upon their growth, and 
 were old before they had attained muturity. The young dogs 
 barked more ; whether it was from an impression of the at 
 mosphere ; or an imitation of the sounds of men. 
 
 CHAPTER VIII. 
 
 While 0' Regan is engaged in Ms memoirs, the Captain turns 
 his attention to other subjects. The blind lawyer and his 
 lecture. 
 
 To give the bog-trotter time to prepare his history, the Cap 
 tain turned his attention for a while to other objects. There 
 was an old lawyer, having lost his eye sight, and fallen into 
 
MODERN CHIYALRY. 43 
 
 poverty, who had came to the village, offering his services with 
 occasional advice, and now and then a lecture on legal 
 subjects, for a suitable remuneration. He was joined by a 
 blind fidler, who answered the purpose of collecting an audi 
 ence, which soon growing tired with the music, were disposed 
 to hear the lecture. Lawyer Foster was not without talents, and 
 even learned, but could never turn his profession to profit, ia 
 consequence of having too rigid a conscience; he would always 
 discourage law suits; if the client was in the wrong he 
 would order him to do justly, and if he refused, ha would de 
 cline his case. But the worst was, that he could never stipu 
 late for fees; they were either voluntarily, or nothing. 
 
 It might be a matter of surprise that the lawyer although 
 learned and skillful, had not grown rich in his profession. 
 The reason has already been given. In addition, it may be 
 remarked, that money will not stick to some men, especially with 
 those, as was the case with the lawyer, who think more of the 
 pursuit, or art, than of the gains, and this is often the case 
 with men of the highest genius, who are neglectful of their 
 own interest. 
 
 It is doubtless a general rule that the way to be rich is to ex 
 cel in your profession, and whoever excels may in general be 
 rich, and it is a folly not to make this use of it. But we see 
 that with all the lovers of the arts, painting, music, statuary, 
 eloquence, there is a neglect of riches, the mind carried off 
 from the love of money, is placed upon the art itself. Tho 
 main chance is overlooked ; and it is only late in life that the 
 folly is discovered by the person himself, though others had been 
 remarking it all his life long. But though not profitable to the 
 professor, to cultivate an art for its own sake, yet it is useful 
 and pleasing to the world ; and Quintillian, who has left us a 
 book on the eloquonce of the bar, is more valued, because he 
 has given more pleasure to those who have come after him, 
 than others who have made perhaps more by their practice, but 
 whose memory has gone with themselves, at the same time that 
 their estates went to others. 
 
 As a sample of the lectures of the blind lawyer, we shall give 
 tfee following. 
 
44 MODERN CHIYALRr. 
 
 THE LECTURE. 
 
 IT is necessary to comprehend perfectly the facts of the case, 
 and this to enable ; 
 
 1. To frame the action ; trespass, or trespass on the case ; 
 &c. 
 
 2. To framo your declaration: that is, to put a precise state 
 ment of the cause of action upon the record. 
 
 3. To examine the witnesses, preparatory to the trial. 
 
 I say nothing of the science necessary to draw a declaration; 
 though there is great delicacy and beauty in making a legal 
 statement of your cause of action with brevity, perspicuity, and 
 technical correctness. Nor do I mean to touch on the vigilence 
 on your part, or illiberality to your adversaries, in conducting 
 the cause to issue and trial, taking rules and giving notice. 
 This is not the state where all advantage is fair. These are 
 preliminaries to the contest, and as in the wager of battle the 
 combatant makes oath, that he uses no enchantment ; so a lib 
 eral lawyer will disdain to avail himself of an oversight or take 
 a catch which has no effect upon the merits of a cause. If he 
 observes a defect which it becomes necessary to amend, in 
 civil cases, he will point it out and give leave to do it. This I 
 grant he is not bound to do ; but it is for the credit of the pro 
 fession that such liberality should be cultivated, and justice 
 will lose nothing by it. 
 
 Preparatory to the trial, a great point is, the examination 
 of the witnesses to be adduced by your client; such of them as 
 are willing to say what they know, prior to their being called 
 in court. It is of moment for you to know what you can prove 
 by any of them, that you may bring them to the point immedi. 
 ately ; and save the time of the court from impertinent relation. 
 It is necessary for the sake of your client to sift them well, and 
 know the testimony they are about to give. The counsel above 
 who has thus sifted them, should undertake to examine. When 
 then the conduct of the cause, rests with me, and the responsi 
 bility, I would suffer no assistant to ask a question of my wit 
 nesses. Let him take his turn, and fill up his part in cross ex- 
 
MODERN CHIVALRY. 45 
 
 amining the witnesses of the adversary. When the testimony 
 is closed in a jury trial, the cause is usually lost or won: and a 
 single question injudiciously put, may have been the occasion of 
 losing it. Yet there is nothing more difficult for a leading coun 
 sel than to restrain the impetuosity of his associates, and their 
 avidity to ask questions. 
 
 It is a matter of great judgment when a witness has answer 
 ed well; to let the answer rest. It is favourable to truth to let 
 it rest ; for by putting it again, and again, you confuse the mind, 
 and you may get the very reverse of what he had before said; 
 at least you may get it so disturbed, as to be unintelligible, and 
 do you no good. 
 
 If it occur to an assistant counsel who has not previously ex 
 amined, that a question may be put with advantage, he can sug 
 gest it to the leading, or examining counsel, and leave him to 
 judge. The wish of seeming to be doing something for his mo 
 ney, is the cause of that propensity to interrogate, that prompts 
 improperly to take up the examination. 
 
 The taking down the testimony is so managed as to consume 
 time unnecessarily in our courts. Each concerned in a cause, 
 must take down and wait for all. The testimony must be taken 
 as if it was to be read again to the court, or sent to the jury in 
 the style of a written deposition. Unnecessary matter is taken 
 down ; for there are seldom more than a few sentences in the 
 testimony of a witness that are material to the cause. But it 
 is to seem very busy, and doing something for the client, where 
 in fact nothing is done that leads -to an ostentation of taking 
 down, even when there is nothing to take. I have actually 
 known this to take place at the bar. 
 
 Well ; what do you know of this matter? 
 
 Why, in fact, I know little about it. 
 
 Stop, stop a little, let me take that down. 
 
 Well; you say you know little about the matter. 
 
 Nothing at all only 
 
 Stop, stop, let me take down what you have said 
 
 A thing like this exhausts the patience ; yet it is difficult for 
 a court to correct it. It must depend upon the good sense of 
 
46 MODERN CHIVALRY. 
 
 the counsel themselves, to select and confine their notes to what 
 is of substance in the evidence. 
 
 The greatest effort in the management of a cause, is the tak 
 ing exception to evidence. For this purpose, it is necessary 
 that from the commencement of the trial, the leading counsel 
 lies by ; thinks much; says little ; bends his whole mind to pre 
 serve himself unruffled: sets forward the junior, and assistant 
 counsel to spar where it may be necessary ; to make prolusions , 
 and gain time. 
 
 As for instance; a piece of evidence is offered. It strikes the 
 leading counsel, that exception lies against it. But he is not 
 clear; nor is he prepared to support the exception. An assis 
 tant counsel takes the exception. It is run down and complete 
 ly answered. Not a word more : but the leading counsel has 
 had time to consider. 
 
 If he had not thought proper to give it up; he would have 
 risen in full force. 
 
 And if he had been answered with some show of reason, the 
 assistant would have rejoined, and done justice to the argument. 
 For let it not be thought that though I mark the parts of the as 
 sistant counsel, I do not well know that the greater lawyer, may 
 have the subordinate part assigned him; or may fall into that 
 place, in the management of a cause, on the trial. The great 
 er general may happen to have the command of a detachment 
 only ; or be employed to bring on, or relieve, in the course of 
 an engagement. 
 
 For law is an image of war ; and as in war the greatest praise 
 is to discharge your duty wherever it may be assigned ; so, on 
 a trial. A column standing still, and never brought forward, 
 or discharging a shot, but simply keeping ground, may have 
 done the real execution, and gained the battle. A thought sug 
 gested is sometimes more than argument. 
 
 Who can tell the value of a single thought, of a single ray 
 'of the celestial light of genius ? It may show the port in the 
 storm It may decide the victory in battle It may be the 
 pregnant seed of mighty events. 
 
 But, nevertheless, elocution has its place, and noble praise. 
 It is delightful to hear one speak well where he ought to speak. 
 
MODERN CHIVALRY. 47 
 
 "The words of the wise are like nails, fastened in sure places." 
 Great indulgence must be made, for young pleaders ; but I have 
 it in view to treat, not of what is to be indulged, but of what 
 is to be approved. Brevity is the soul of eloquence, and ampli 
 fication, the usual fault. Few err in saying too little. Tedious- 
 ness is the more common extreme; padding, and beating on the 
 point. After a passion is excited, there is a danger of "tearing 
 it to rags." 
 
 The opening of the case, before the evidence is introduced, 
 is a matter of some delicacy; a principle is brevity; and 
 stating the proper proof, rather below what it will turn out. 
 When disappointed in the expectation raised, the mind is dis 
 satisfied, and with difficulty can do justice to what is proved. 
 It is in the application of the evidence that eloquence finds her 
 province at the bar. And yet here it is that less harm can be 
 done by weak or unskilful advocates, than in any part of the 
 contest. The court and jury are attached to the evidence. 
 The mind is steadfast upon this, and if a flourisher runs off, 
 he may talk; it is only a loss of time. It is here that less expe 
 rienced counsel may be suffered to amuse themselves; and can 
 do little harm, more especially if there is some one to follow to 
 review the facts, apply the law, and clench the argument. The 
 harm that can be done, is to weary the mind, and relax the spring 
 of attention. This is mischevious; but cannot well be prevent 
 ed. The councel must be heard. But there is much less dan 
 ger to a cause, in this, than from an injudicious touch in the 
 conduct of it, through the evidence. 
 
 With regard to reading authorities in the opening, or reply ; 
 or in the conduct of the trial generally, I have but a single ob 
 servation. It is better to adduce no authority, at all, than one 
 which has a doubtful application, because it brings in question 
 the discernment of the counsel; and gives an opportunity to the 
 adversary, to flourish and run down. General reason is a safer 
 ground, than doubtful decisions. 
 
48 MODERN CHIVALRY. 
 
 CHAPTER IX. 
 
 Uproar in tlie village for abating all nuisance, learning among 
 the rest. The]) threaten to pull down the church. A levelling 
 phrenzg prevails. 
 
 A great uproar in the mean time had taken place in the vil 
 lage. The abatement of nuisances had been the subject of 
 common conversation since the town meeting. It came so far, 
 that an incendary proposed to abate, or burn down the academy, 
 which had been dignified with the name of College, not on that 
 account, but because they alleged that all learning was a nui 
 sance, enabling some men to know more than others, and there 
 fore against the democratic principle of equality. 
 
 A town meeting was called; and whether from a wish to see 
 a bon-fire; or from, the envy and hatred of the ignorant, the 
 proposition, however unreasonable and illegal, had its advocates 
 It had been actually carried, and a person was now on his way 
 with a brand lighted to set fire to the building. 
 
 The alarm was given ; and the more considerate rushed out 
 to prevent conflagration. 
 
 Force was in vain; and reason avails little with a mob. 
 The best way to oppose their resolution, is indirectly, by turn 
 ing the current of their thoughts aside, and to the attaining 
 the same thing in another way. The principal and professors 
 had harangued in vain. It was threatened that if they did not 
 stand ont of the way, they would burn them with the college. 
 
 The captain had come up ; and venturing to speak, citizens, 
 said he, it is not for the college that I am about 'to speak ; 
 it is for yourselves ; your object is to put down learning ; and do 
 you know that it is put down already? Why will you do a 
 useless thing? It is calling in , question your understanding, 
 to do a needless mischief. 
 
 Is not learning put down already ? The methodists are the 
 best preachers. Take a horse-jockey and in two weeks from 
 
MODERN CHIVALRY. 49 
 
 the jump, he is in a pulpit. No need of Latin, Greek, Hebrew 
 or polyglot bible ; systems of divinity; a commentary, a trea 
 tise, an essay, or a dissertation: all is plain sailing now. 
 
 All this tends to put learning down, so that you have all the 
 advantages of this, without the trouble. Why burn the col- 
 lege? 
 
 The building will serve useful purposes, when the professors 
 are driven out of it. 
 
 Politicians say, that though they have no learning, they feel 
 no want of it. Is it to be supposed that a workman does not 
 know whether he wants tools ? All this ends when learning 
 and law are put down. Trial by battle must regulate society. 
 We shall then want barracks and hospitals. This building will 
 accommodate invalids. 
 
 I do not know, said a sedate man and a church elder, whether 
 after all, a little learning may not be in some cases, useful It 
 is a great lidp to weak people. I have seen a book, entitled, 
 Huke's and e'en to 7iad up crippled Christians breeJcs ; That is, 
 hooks and eyes to hold up breeches ; alluding by the the bye, 
 to hooks and eyes which were in use before buttons. What 
 are called gallowses, have succeeded to the assistance of but 
 tons, but have not altogether superseded them. Not that I 
 mean to insinuate that the disuse of hooks and eyes, lead to the 
 gallows in the proper sense of the word, any more than that 
 learning does. Though many a man that wore buttons has 
 been hung. Perhaps more without buttons than with them. 
 But I mean to say that a young man, before he comes to the 
 years of discretion, may as well be employed in learning to 
 make marks upon paper, as playing at nine-mens-morice, and 
 it does him no more harm to try to read Greek, than to trace 
 partridge tracks. The mind must be employed in something 
 to keep it out of harm's way, and reclusion in a seminary is 
 useful, if for nothing else at least to keep young people within 
 doors, which the academican could not easily do, unless,the de 
 vice of books was used to beguile the hours of study. And 
 though a great part of their learning, is but the knowledge of 
 hooks and crooks, yet the exercise of the mind, renders them 
 more expert in thinking ; and though Latin is of no more use to 
 
..V 
 
 50 MODERN CHIVALRY. 
 
 raise the devil than English, now a days ; yet it is a gentle ex 
 ercise to learn it, and makes the boys grow faster. It keeps 
 them from their mothers who are apt to spoil their offspring by 
 too much indulgence. The idea of getting a task, accustoms 
 the mind to obedience. Now there are some branches of sci 
 ence that are really useful, such as speaking and writing intel 
 ligibly, and casting up accounts. Nor is the time altogether 
 thrown away in learning mathematics, especially the theory of 
 the mechanical powers. Some are of opinion that this study 
 has been of great use in navigation, and hydraulics. The an 
 cients found their account in it, in the construction of the Cat 
 apult. But, at least, what harm, in letting pedants chop logic, 
 and boys laugh, in the seminaries ? A hering pickle, or a merry 
 Andrew, is allowed to amuse people, and we do not pull down 
 their stalls. A ventriloquist is suffered to take his dollar from 
 us, and we make no remonstrance. Lectures on moral philoso 
 phy are at least as innocent as this. I do not know any better 
 recreation for a lad of mettle than to listen to a dissertation on 
 eloquence, or discourse on chronology, and history. It shar 
 pens his wit to talk over affairs with his equals. But there is 
 one reason that serves for a hundred. It is not every one that 
 is born a genius, and can do without the help of education. 
 I am therefore for continuing these crudities a little longer, 
 When we can afford it better, we can pull down the college. 
 
 This speech had a good effect and the mob retired. 
 
 But before they were aware, the flame had broken out in 
 another direction. The mob retiring, had entered into altercaton 
 amongst themselves, and began to blame one Mother. Some, 
 for not going to burn the college, and others, for having thought 
 of it at all. In opposition to the last, the first grew outrageous, 
 and began to exclaim, and to curse and to swear, and said, damn 
 them, but if they had not burned a college, they would burn or 
 pull down, the church, or meeting house. They had actually 
 prepared faggots, and were on their way a second time, to ex 
 ecute a new mischief. 
 
 The alarm was given, the chief burgess, and assistants, and 
 respectable inhabitants assembled. Great reliance was had up 
 on the Captain, from his success, in the former instance ; and 
 
MODERN CHIVALRY, 51 
 
 when the two forces, that of the mob, and that of the commu 
 nity stood face to face, and were in opposition, ready to fall on, 
 the one to commit waste, and the other to defend, he was called 
 upon to come forward and harangue. 
 
 He obeyed instantly, but was well aware that a stratagem in 
 war cannot succeed a second time, and therefore instead of at 
 tempting to decoy and turn aside their passions, thought proper 
 to attack them directly by the opposite, fear. Madmen, said 
 he, what do you mean ? Is it to rob, plunder and murder that 
 you have assembled ? Come on ; but in coming you must meet 
 with this weapon, brandishing a rusty cut and thrust, which he 
 had carried on muster days ; I am eome alone, but the armed 
 militia will soon be here. 
 
 I am at all times however, averse from the use of force until 
 it becomes necessary ; I am willing in the mean time to 
 hear reason. Why is it that you would pull down a church 
 and abolish the Christian worship in the village? 
 
 It is not our intention to abolish Christianity, said a tanner 
 and currier, with his leathern apron on, but to put down the 
 preacher at this place : who is not an American republican, but 
 quotes the English commentators in his sermons, Henry's 
 annotations on the Bible ; Burket on the New Testament ; Pool's 
 Synopsis, Tillotson and Baxter, and many others. "We wish to 
 abolish these, and have nothing but our own commentaries. 
 Are we to be drawing our proofs from under a monarchy, and 
 referring to tracts and essays published in Great Britain ? Have 
 we no sense of our own to explain texts of Scripture, and ap 
 ply doctrines ? It is time to emancipate ourselves from these 
 shackles, and every man be his own expounder, or at least con 
 fine our clergy to the Bible and the Psalm book, or such of our 
 divines, as have written amongst ourselves, and are of our 
 own manufacture in a republican government. 
 
 Keligion, said the Captain, is of no government. Wines are 
 the better for being brought over seas, and bur best brandies are 
 from monarchies. Where was the cloth of this coat made ? 
 Will you reject a good piece of stuff because it came through 
 the hands of an aristocratic weaver ? These are false ideas of 
 what is right, and useful to mankind. The common law is not 
 
. 
 
 MODERN CII1YALRY. 
 
 the worse for having been th common law of England, and 
 our property and birth-right which our ancestors brought with 
 them ; nor is our Bible the worse for having been translated 
 under James the first of England, which translation we still use, 
 and from which we repeat all sentences of Scripture. Nor are 
 systems of theology, or harmonies of the evangelists the worse 
 for having been written in another country. Why do we use 
 the English language? Is it not because we cannot easily sub 
 stitute another ; or have no better to substitute. The Shaw- 
 anese, or Delaware, or Piankisha, may be softer, but not so 
 copious or of equal energy and strength. But even if in all 
 respects superior, can we by an act of volition, transfer 
 it into common use and mike it all at once, our vernacular 
 tongue ? 
 
 The more violent however were still disposed to burn down 
 the church ; but the torch in the mean time had burnt out, 
 and before another could be procured, the crowd began to dis' 
 perse, and the church was suffered to stand.* 
 
 * It may seem incredible to us at this day, that there should ever 
 have been a popular outcry against education, but such is the fact. 
 It was publicly declared in the State Legislature, by an honest Ger 
 man farmer, " I hates all larnin', and larntmens; it is only goot 
 to make a man a roke." A few years after there was a similar out 
 cry against the common law, the judiciary, and the lawyers. The 
 cry of our clay is down with banks and incorporated companies, 
 which are called monopolies by the demagogues. The object of the 
 author was to place in a ludicrous light, these epidemic follies of the 
 people. The ocean of public opinion is subject to such flaws and 
 whirlwinds. It must be admitted that popular governments are less 
 steady in purpose and policy than more concentrated forms. But 
 then there is abundance to compensate, and who would make the 
 exchange ? We must look for other virtues to make amends. Less 
 must be expected from the government, and more from the people 
 themselves. The author constantly inculcates the idea of the superi 
 ority of democracy over monarchy, while he labors to correct tho 
 errors of the former. The great corrective, in his opinion, is the 
 diffusion of just sentiments among the people popular education ? 
 general intelligence, and correct morals. He declares that an eu 
 
. 
 
 MODERN CHIVALRY, 53 
 
 CHAPTER X. 
 
 A sample of the Memoir of 0* Regan. 
 
 O'Regan and the schoolmaster being suddenly interrupted 
 in their work by the uproar before described, had left the un 
 finished manuscript on the table. A wag happening to step 
 in, read a part, and then continued where it left off by writing 
 the following, which will be thought no way inferior to the 
 rest. The schoolmaster had resumed his labour without 
 observing the interpolation. The subject in hand had been 
 the ascent in a balloon, and the addition was as follows : 
 
 " Passing a cloud, I put out my hand, and took a piece 
 
 of it, and squeezed it like a sponge, and the water ran out 
 freely. As we ascended to a considerable height, the sun went 
 north about, but never set. At the distance of about fifty 
 miles above the earth, we saw a beautiful white bird setting on 
 the corner of a cloud, and took it to be one of Mahommet's 
 pigeons. If we had a gun we could have shot it. Passing by 
 the moon we saw a man selling land at auction. He wished 
 us to give a bid, but we declared we had no desire to buy lands 
 in the moon. We came across a comet, it appeared to bo 
 asleep; it had a tail like that of a red fox, but much longer. 
 
 " About a hundred leagues from the earth, the balloon struck 
 against a wasps' nest, and we were in great danger from their 
 stings ; fortunately we were blown off by a sudden flaw of 
 wind. 
 
 " Coming near a hail bank, we filled a hat; gome of the hail 
 stones were as large as goose eggs. 
 
 " About a thousand miles above the earth, we passed through 
 
 lightened constituency alone can make an enlightened and honest 
 representation. The more enlarged the right of suffrage, the higher 
 the degree of general intelligence necessary to sustain the govern 
 ment. Where this is wanting, it is but a deceptive form. 
 4* 
 
0* MDDERN CHIVALRY, 
 
 a field of turkey buzzards. This seems to be their region 
 and accounts for the circumstance that no one has ever found 
 one of their nests. 
 
 " As we approached one of the heavenly bodies, it looked 
 like a small island in Loch Swilley. We next struck upon a 
 planet, but Blanchard got out, and shoved off the balloon. We 
 supposed it to be Mercury, as we heard orators haranguing, 
 and a multitude of tongues. 
 
 " There were marriages going on in Venus, and in Mars we 
 heard the drums beat. 
 
 " In Jupiter we heard swearing ! Jupiter ! Proh Jupiter! 
 By Jupiter ! 
 
 " We meant to have a pull at One Of Saturn's rings, but were 
 blown off our course, and found ourselves in the latitude of 
 Herschel. Provisions failing, we thought proper to shape our 
 course to the earth. 
 
 " The first thing we saw was the forest of Ardennes, which 
 appeared like a shamrock. The Pyrennees mountains seemed 
 a bed of parsley; and the Atlantic ocean about the size of a 
 large duck pond. 
 
 " Within about a furlong of the earth, Blanchard gave me 
 the parachute, and I came down. It was in a field of corn 
 among reapers. They took me at first for the sheep, that had 
 been sent up in the balloon, but finding their mistake, invited 
 me to breakfast." 
 
 CHAPTER xi. 
 
 Captain Farrago pays another visit to the blind lawyer. T?i& 
 common law explained* The conversation broken off by a new 
 disturbance. 
 
 HAVING now a little time upon his hands, the Captain 
 thought of repeating his visit to the blind lawyer, and happen 
 ing at an interval of the blind man's lectures, he drew him into 
 a conversation on the subject of the law. What is this 
 
MODERN CHIVALRY. 55 
 
 common law, said he, which you speak of, and why cannot ife 
 be abolished? The common law of England ! why not a com 
 mon law of our own ; now that we are an independent govern 
 ment. 
 
 It is our own common law, said lawyer Foster; we derive it 
 from a common source with the inhabitants of Britain, in the 
 same way that we derive our common stock of learning, litera 
 ture, science and arts. Shall the people on that side the water 
 alone possess this jurisprudence, which our common ancestors 
 possessed, just because we have left the Island? It was be-> 
 cause our birth-right to this law was questioned that we 
 resisted in war, and declared our independence. The right 
 of representation is a principle of the common law, and this 
 right was denied to the colonies ; when it was attempted to 
 by acts of Parliament, in the making of which they were 
 not represented. No taxation without representation, was the 
 right maintained. The right of trial by jury is a principle of 
 the common law, and this in some cases, was abridged, in 
 others, taken away altogether. On what ground were these 
 defended ? On the ground that they were our inheritance by 
 the common law. 
 
 But why called common law ? It was so called as distin 
 guished from the laws of particulai places. It was a system 
 common to the whole people. The term came into use after 
 the Heptarchy, It might be called general law, from its gen 
 eral application, in opposition to local custom or usages, or 
 special exceptions. It was also to distinguish it from the Ho- 8 
 man civil law, and ecclessiastical law. It was in short, the 
 law common to all classes and conditions. 
 
 A ground of this law is reason ; or the principles of univer 
 sal justice. The application of these principles to particular 
 cases, forms a great part of the common law ; the application 
 of the principles of justice to that infinity of cases, which arise" 
 on the intercourse of men in a state of society : obligations 
 independent of contract, or contracts themselves. "We read the 
 decisions in such cases, because the reason of those who have 
 gone before, is a help to those that follow. 
 
 Eules of pleading, rules of evidence, the practice of cov.rts, 
 
56 MODERN CHIVALRY. 
 
 are the result of experience; and our own, or adopted by us, as 
 a part of the common law. This law forms a system begun in 
 -the woods of Germany; taking its rise among our Saxon 
 ancestors, it was brought with them into Britain ;_ receiving 
 accessions from what it found good in the land to which it 
 came. 
 
 Abolish the common law ? Why not abolish the art of med" 
 icine, because it has been cultivated in Great Britain? Syden- 
 ham Harvey and Mead, are thought to have added to the 
 science. The British chemists, have increased the materia 
 medica. Why not make war upon the apothecaries, because 
 they sell English drugs ? 
 
 Just at that instant a hurly burly was heard half a square 
 distant; people rushing into an apothecary shop, and jugs 
 thrown out at a window. It was a mob collected to break 
 up the doctor. 
 
 There was Martin, the latin master, lifting up his hands, 
 the attitude of a man attempting to ring a bell, endeavoring to 
 appease the multitude, in such address as was on his tongue 
 from the classic authors: cives, cives, quis furor vos agitat! 
 vesania quaa versat? quse damentia cepit! Infelix pecus! oh! 
 heu! proh hominum. Insanire decet, ratione, modoque. 
 
 It availed nothing. The outrage was continued. Glass and 
 earthen ware broken ; powders and liquids filled the atmos 
 phere with vapour, and a variety of smells. Ah! said an ora 
 tor, it is full time to return to the simplicity of early times, 
 when men had recourse in case of internal diseases, or exter 
 nal wounds, to the barks of trees, or the plants of the field, and 
 had not yet become acquainted with extractions and decoctions 
 put in phials, and called drops, to make the well sick, and poi 
 son the ailing. 
 
 It would have made a good drawing in a picture, to have seen 
 the apothecary at work, in the mean time, endeavoring to clear 
 the shop, with a cudgel, sometimes pelting a rioter; at other 
 times breaking the head of one of his own ju^s. 
 
 A lay preacher, with a long beard, and crack-brained, stood 
 by, exhorting to carry on the work. He had taken a text. 
 " There is a time to build, and a time to pull down; a time to 
 
MODERN CHIVALRY. 57 
 
 sow and a time to reap," He thought this a pulling down time. 
 The greater part of his audience appeared to think him ortho 
 dox, and were showing their faith by their works, at the ex 
 pense of the dispensary. Good God, called out the son of 
 Esculapius, will no one assist ? shall I be ruined? The indus 
 try of years dissipated in a day: ail my laudnum, my pepper 
 mint, sulphur, vitriol, oils, acids, my tartar, and arsenic; all 
 gone to pot, or rather the pots gone with them, jars, jugs, 
 and glister-pipes: what devastation! what havoc! Is it for 
 sport, or for profit? Oh, the folly, the fury, the madness of 
 the populace! They are indeed the swinish multitude. A 
 herd of swine in a century would not have done so much 
 damage. 
 
 At this point of the game, whether by design, or accident, 
 a cry of fire had been raised ; and the fire company with their 
 engine and buckets were up, and began to play upon the 
 building, throwing the water in at the windows, and at the 
 door, so that the people in the house, and tho doctor himself, 
 were as wet as rats, and occasionally the pipe carried round 
 with a sweep, came upon the by-standers without. The crazy 
 preacher got his Bible wot, and his Psalm book; and the latin 
 master called out. "Jam satis terris ;" or that there was rain 
 enough ; and the orator, thought it a new way of quelling 
 mobs. The Captain said he had seen something of the kind 
 attempted in repressing bees, when they swarmed, throwing 
 water on them, and that the riots of men were analagous. 
 
 But what can they mean, said the Captain, by attacking 
 this man's boluses? Do they mean to put an end to 
 the practice of physic ? Among the savages they attribute 
 aches, and pains in the flesh and bones, to a bad spirit that 
 has got into the muscles, and the tendons, and by rubbing 
 with the hand, and pressing the parts, they endeavor to expel 
 it. The chaffing has sometimes a good^effect, and if there 
 should not be an evil spirit to drive out, it eases and relieves 
 from the complaint. But though exercise and temperance may 
 preserve health, and cold and warm bathing, and friction of the 
 joints may relieve from a rheumatic pain, yet in a multitude 
 of cases the specifics of pharmacy may be found useful, espe- 
 
58 MODERN CHIVALRY. 
 
 cially in a society of close population, where we have not woods 
 and forests to run, and where sedentary occupations keep peo. 
 pie sitting half their time. And though after all, the diagnosis, 
 or the distinguishing diseases, is in many cases but a guess, 
 and the means of cure still more conjectural, yet still there is 
 something in the province of science, and the skill of the well 
 read and experienced physician. 
 
 Whj do you not put the law in force against such an attack 
 upon the druggist, said he, addressing himself to a peace offi 
 cer, who stood by, apparently unconcerned ? You see his 
 chest of medicine broken open, before your eyes, and his 
 shelves pulled down, and the tables under foot, and yet no one 
 bound over, and no magistrate to command the peace under 
 the penalty of the law. 
 
 Soft and fairly, said the peace officers, all in good time. 
 
 Take sail from the mast when there comes too strong a blast. 
 A madness prevails at present. It will be but of a fortnight's 
 continuance. When a people get a thing into their heads, the 
 best way is to let them go on. They will come to themselves 
 by and by, as the pan said to the grid-iron. 
 
 But in the meantime they will do a great deal of harm, said 
 the Captain. 
 
 It is in the atmosphere, said a philosopher. Is it imported 
 or of domestic origin? asked a thinking man among the crowd 
 
 It may be imported, or it may be of domestic origin, and 
 that's my solemn opinion, observed a wiseacre. For both at 
 home and abroad we have instances of such madness breaking 
 out, owing to poisonous gas in the holds of vessels, or which 
 may breed in our streets, when not kept clean. It may come 
 from France or Ireland ; but what is there to hinder it from 
 springing up here, where there is as much poisonous stuff as 
 elsewhere? Man is pretty much the same in every place, the 
 good and the bad. But let us go in, and take a dram. 
 
MODERN CHIVALRY, 
 
 CHAPTEK XII. 
 
 Great success of 0' Regan's Memoirs. The Captain is advised 
 to apply for a Professorship for him at the College, but is at 
 a loss to know of what. Teague becones a Quack Doctor. 
 
 The bog-trotter's memoirs had made their appearance, and 
 Were read with great avidity, especially the part relating to 
 the voyage in the balloon. The matter was new, and the style 
 not disagreeable, as the school-master had some knowledge of 
 Latin, as well as of English literature, such as the Pilgrim's 
 Progress, Reynard the Fox, and the Champions of Christendom. 
 
 Some wags, taking advantage of the prevailing sensation, 
 strenuously insisted on the Captain applying for a Professor 
 ship for Teague, in the new College. But of what science or 
 art shall we make him Professor? said the Captain. He is 
 totally illiterate, and although he may have furnished the 
 matter for the book, he is incapable of writing it. Certainly, 
 he is not fit to be a Professor of Rhetoric, although I have 
 heard lectures on taste and criticism, by those who had no 
 taste and were no critics; but that was an abuse not to be 
 imitated. Being importuned, however, he did at last consent 
 to broach the subject to the trustees, and it might have been 
 carried, but for the interference of the Principal of the Acad 
 emy, who was a man of some learning, and who declared it 
 would be a burlesque on the school, and threatened to resign, 
 if the idea was persisted in. He alleged, that however great 
 the fame of the phenomenon might be, he was fitter to be a 
 professor of gymnastics than of an Academy. 
 
 A professor of gymnastics, then, let it be> said Captain Far 
 rago. It is true he has not read Salzman on the athletics of 
 schools, or Strut on games and pastimes in England; never 
 theless he can play at blind-man's buff, the hindmost of three, 
 and fool in the corner. He is no slouch at mumble the peg, is 
 good at a wrestle, and can handle the shelala, the national 
 weapon of Ireland, as tho rifle is of this country. 
 
60 MODERN CHIVALRY. 
 
 So saying, he turned about and walked away, with his'stick 
 in his hand, to look for the bog-trotter, and to bring him for 
 ward for the professorship ; but he had not walked far before 
 he fell in with the remains of the doctor's shop that had been 
 thrown out upon the street; and where was Teague in a stall, 
 turned doctor, and selling .drugs to the multitude, arsenic for 
 worm powder, and laudanum for wine-cordial. He had picked 
 up the phials when the apothecary had run off, fearing the 
 multitude, and the people thinking this man his deputy or 
 substitute, selling off at a low price, were willing to take a 
 bargain while they could get it. 
 
 The Captain was irritated on the score of humanity, and for 
 the first time, made a stroke at the bog-trotter. The cudgel 
 lighting on a box of Spanish flies that was going off at twelve 
 and a half cents, dissipated the contents. A dialogue ensued, 
 and much expostulation. But the result was, that the vendue 
 was broken up, as it came to be understood that Teague was 
 not the real owner of the ware-house, and the purchasers 
 might be called on to pay for the drugs a second time. This 
 last consideration had an effect, and the bidding ceased. 
 
 At this time; an old friend and neighbor, John Murdock, 
 came up; a shrewd man, though not then in office, having 
 served his term as county commissioner, and addressing him 
 self to the Captain for the bog-trotter had run off, whether 
 fearing the stick, or to spend the money he had gathered 
 Captain, said he, Nemo omnibus horis sapit, no man is wise at 
 all times. You have been a long time seeking to get your man 
 into place, and now that he had got into place without you 
 for accident often does more for a man than his best friends 
 you have been unwilling that he shonld stay in it. Nay, 
 you have driven him from it. He had just got into a good 
 way, in an honorable and lucrative profession, and you have 
 stopped his career with your batabuy, or shelalah. Do you 
 think the greater part of doctors >re better read than he is? 
 or even if better read, does theirjreading turn to more account? 
 Will the people employ them sooner because they are learned 
 in their profession? Or even if learned, is their skill 
 the more to be depended on? One of the faculty has said, 
 
ftODEHX CniTALRT. 61 
 
 ars nostra eonjecturalis est. Hoffman ran down Boerhaare; 
 Cullen, Hoffman; Brown, Cullen; and the system now among 
 the physicians, is a hotch-potch or mixture of all. O'Regan 
 might have been a quack, but the faculty tell us that medicine 
 is much indebted to quacks. Mercury was brought into usa 
 by them, and it is now the panacea, the specific for all diseases, 
 the consumption itself. Could not Teague assume a grave 
 appearance, a sober phisioguomy, a-measured step, with a cane 
 in his hand; a steady look straight before; a nod to those that 
 pass by, as if from a thinking man? Could not he feel a pulse 
 and speak mysteriously, if he could not speak learnedly, not 
 having given clinical lectures or attended them? Or could ho 
 not hold his tongue along time, and say nothing? which would 
 answer tha purpose just as well; for silence is obscurity, and 
 obscurity is sublimity. When the patient is dead, it was the 
 disease killed him, not the doctor. Dead men tell no tales. 
 Facilis decensus averni. Sangrado, according to Le Sage, 
 reduced medicine to blood-letting and drinking water, and 
 diet to boiled apples. Bebed agua in abundcmcia, drink plenty 
 of water. I have heard the blind lawyer discoursing to this 
 effect, that in the profession of the law, which is an ostensible 
 profession, and more likely to expose a man's parts or faculties 
 of the mind than almost any other, yet it is not always under 
 stood who is the real lawyer; and a man may have made art 
 estate at the bar, before it is found out iliat lie is a fool. If ha 
 loses the cause by his mismanagement, he lays it on the jury; 
 or if the court decide on a point of law contrary to the advice he 
 had given, how can I help it, says he, if a commission c.annot 
 give sense. * s lt is the law of the books, though it is not the law 
 of their heads. The client submits, and is better pleased with 
 his counsel than with an honest fellow who told him in tha 
 first instance, or would tell him in the last, that his cause was 
 none of the best, and the verdict or judgment right. If this is 
 the case in a profession, which, in [comparison of the other, is 
 visible and tangible, that you can reach it in the exhibition, 
 what must it be in an art which is less in view, where tha 
 ignorance of the practitioner is capable of more concealment, 
 and the man dies who is most hurt, and carries his complaint 
 
~ 
 
 62 MODERN CBIVALttY. 
 
 before Minos and Rhadamanthus, who wait until the ductor 
 comes to give him a fair hearing? 
 
 It is not that I had any doubt, said the Captain, of his getting 
 into practice, that I had been opposed to his empiricism. My 
 apprehension rather was, that he would get too much practice, 
 and have too many lives to answer for morally and in con 
 science, if not legally. For what did he know of drugs, or of 
 their effect upon the human system? 
 
 If you go to conscience and morality with it, I have done, 
 said Mr. Murdoch. You have no reasoning for me. I was 
 speaking as a man of the world, and the making a living ; 
 if you feel yourself entramelled with that sort of doctrine, you 
 are on the other side of the line; I have no concern with you. 
 You belong to the old school. 
 
 The doctor, in the meantime, had come back, and was exam 
 ining the depredations. An inventory was taken, under the 
 direction of the Captain, that what remained might be com 
 pared with the original stock, and the loss ascertained, so that it 
 might be compensated to the poor man by subscription. As to 
 what had been p arloined by Teague in the way of sale, he 
 undertook himself to make up, having been accessary to it, by 
 introducing the bog-trotter to the village. 
 
 CHAPTERXIII. 
 
 In which the reader is introduced to some of the sage politicians 
 of the village. 
 
 From what has been related of the activity of mind among 
 the inhabitants of this village, and especially from politics, it 
 will not be a subject of wonder, that there was a village coffee 
 house, on a small scale, in this place, and that the people some 
 times met here, to smoke a pipe, take a glass of beer, and 
 read the newspaper. It might be called a beer house, if what 
 was drank in it gave the name, for more ale was drunk than 
 aoffee, bnt in imitation of the larger towns, it was called a oof- 
 
MODERN CHIVALRY. 63 
 
 fee-house. It happening that the Captain wishing to learn the 
 news of the coffee house, took a walk there. 
 
 Teague, with what he had collected from the sale of the 
 drugs, had been here before him ; and taking on himself the 
 air of a politician, had called for pipes and tobacco, and was look 
 ing over a gazette; not that he could read; but to induce people 
 to believe that he read ; occasionally also, as if unconscious of 
 those around him, throwing out a sentence in French ; a little 
 of which he had acquired, in the manner of a magpie or par 
 rot: such phrases as, sauve qui peut; tant pis pour lui; a la gul- 
 lotine. Nor did he neglect the shrug of the shoulders, a habit 
 of expressing the emotions of the mind, which remained still 
 in some degree among the republicans, though it had been 
 contracted under the monarchy, when the people were afraid 
 to speak out, and raised the back, when they did not dare to 
 lift the voice ; and dumb signs served instead of a viva-yoce 
 declaration. This suited the bog-trotter, and enabled him to 
 conceal his ignorance. Not that he had the prudence to intend 
 this; but imitating what he had seen abroad, he took up the 
 character at home. 
 
 The attention of the benches was attracted by his physiogno 
 my, and attitude ; and in the opinion of some he was taken for 
 a French minister or consul ; by others for an emigrant of dis 
 tinction that had lost his property, for the sake of his title of 
 nobility. 
 
 The Captain hearing these surmises, impelled by the natural 
 candour of his mind, couid not avoid explaining. It is neither 
 French minister nor consul, said he, but my bog-trotter, that I 
 had detected some time ago selling drugs, and passing himself 
 for a physician. He might be qualified to be a cow doctor, 
 but certainly not to practise on the human body. But 
 what particularly excited my indignation, was his purloining the 
 medicines, taking and carrying away what did not belong to 
 him, which was aggravated by the circumstance, of the things 
 being thrown into the open air, by the rioters, who had broken 
 the house, and dispersed the shop, to the great injury of the 
 poor apothecary, whose property they were. I had taken 
 it on myself to chastise, considering me under obliga- 
 

 64 MODERN CH1VALRT. 
 
 tions to restrain him, having been accessory to hia coming to 
 the village. And if you will give me leave, gentlemen, and 
 excuse the time and place, I will take the liberty to deal a few 
 blows at this instant, as he cannot conveniently escape from 
 the boxes before my stroke overtakes him. 
 
 Not giving time for reflection or reply on the part of those 
 present, he raised his baton, and was about to strike. Teague 
 on the other hand, had up his heart of oak also, if not to 
 offend, at lest to defend, and parry the stroke; his countenance 
 in the mean time arguing submission: his words also, whether 
 from fear or respect, softening, and conciliatory. God love 
 your soul, said he, and be aisy ; and not be after bating me 
 before dese paple dat know notting o' de matter; dat will take 
 you for an ould fool, bating and fighting for nothing. Just for 
 making copper out o 1 de offals of a farrier, selling dem to de 
 paple when de docther himself ran off. It is a good job 
 to be making a penny in hard times. If your honor will give 
 me lave, I will introduce your honor to dese paple dat have 
 taken me for a French minister. I tought I looked more like 
 a praist. But as dey know best, it is all de same to me. I 
 will drink your honor's health in a tankard of ale if your hon 
 or will plase to call for it. Dese civil looking strangers, dat 
 I never saw before, will like your honor better dan kicking and 
 cuffing wid your shelalah, and putting yourself in a passion 
 wid an honest boy, dat never meant you any harm. 
 
 The speech of Teague was so deprecatory and reasonable, 
 that those present could not but interfere, on which the Cap 
 tain consented to let him off, advising more honesty and fair 
 dealing for the future. But, in his apology to the company, 
 for what might seem an impropriety in behaivour, he was led 
 to give the history of the Hibernian, and the circumstance of 
 his being in France, which accounted for his affecting the 
 French manner, and occasional attempts at the language. 
 This in the mean time led to a general conversation on the af 
 fairs of France, and the history of the revolution. Observations 
 were made above the ordinary style of beer-house conversation; 
 and of which, though expressed in a desultory manner, as 
 each one took the pine from his mouth, or listened to the sug- 
 
MODERN CHIVALRT. G5 
 
 \ 
 
 gestions of others, it may be worth while to give a sample. 
 
 One of these, who had a fluency of tongue, and ready mem 
 ory observed, That the loss of liberty in the course of that 
 revolution, was owing to the unski!lfulness of those who con 
 ducted it. 
 
 But, in like situations, said another, is it reasonable to ex 
 pect more skill ? The mass of the people conducted the 
 revolution, and is it in the nature of things, for them to stop 
 at a proper point? 
 
 It is not in the nature of things, said another. They will rush 
 on like a herd of wild buffalos, until they come to a precipice, 
 and then they will tumble each other over it. It is natural to 
 distrust him who proposes to stop short of what seems a com 
 plete reform; and when all are in motion, without command or 
 discipline, they will move on until compelled to stop by the 
 exhaustion of their own efforts. The sovereign people is as 
 liable to the impulse of passion, and as open to the insinua 
 tions of flatterers, as an individual tyrant. The courtier de 
 void of principle in the democratic hall, gets the ear of the 
 populace, as ho would that of a prince, and abuses it. 
 
 I do not know well what a man can better do, said another, 
 than just to fall in with the current of opinion, and when it 
 changes, change with it. "We are right, say the people. You 
 are right, says the politician. We were wrong, say the 
 people. You were wrong, says the same man. Who is ever 
 displeased with a person who has been in the same error with 
 himself? 
 
 That is true, said the Captain, but is there no such thing as 
 public spirit? Is there not a spice of virtue to be found in a 
 republic ? Who would not devote himself for the public good? 
 Were Phocion and Philopoemen time-servers ? I grant that 
 it is not the way ultimately to make friends of them, and to 
 have their confidence. Let school-boys propose to rob an or 
 chard, they will respect him who dissuaded, though it was not 
 popular, but incurred the imputation of cowardice, and want 
 of spirit, at the time. Let them be brought to punishment for 
 it, they will revere him who had told them it was wroug, but 
 was hurried along with them, and suffered by their fault. It 
 
66 MODERN CHIVALRY. 
 
 is by these means that amongst savages, strong minds obtain 
 the ascendancy, and are trusted by the nation. Great is the 
 force of truth, and it will prevail. It requires great courage 
 to bear testimony against an error in the judgment of the mul 
 titude; as it is attended with present disreputation. Yet this 
 moral courage is virtue, and is its own reward. 
 
 The great mischief in democracy is party, said an orator, 
 who had taken the pipe from his teeth, at the same time spit 
 ting on the floor. 
 
 It is the great advantage of it, said his neighbor. It is the 
 angel that descends at a certain season, and troubles the pool 
 of Bethsaida, that the lame person may be made whole. Were 
 it not for party, all things would go one way; the community 
 would stagnate. 
 
 But let one party obtain the ascendancy, and does it not 
 come to the same thing? All things will go the one way then, 
 or rather stand still. 
 
 Not so, said the Captain; no party can maintain power long. 
 The ascendancy carries its overthrow along with it. The du 
 ration depends upon the judgment of the leaders of the coun 
 cils. But the leaders will find that they cannot lead always. 
 While they were struggling up the ascent, every one was wil 
 ling to be helped, and took advice. But on the top of the 
 precipice, scamper and hoop, and there is no restraining them. 
 And then if spoil has been taken in the battle, they will be 
 sure to quarrel about the share each one has a right to claim as 
 the reward of his particular exertions. A leader of judgment 
 will always find it more difficult to manage his own people, 
 than to combat his adversaries. They cannot be brought to 
 halt at a proper point ; and their errors bring them down 
 again, as those in power did before them. 
 
 However, this is wandering from the point, said a man in a 
 black wig; we were talking of the French; who says that Bo 
 naparte did not usurp the government ? 
 
 I am of that opinion, said Captain Farrago; for there was 
 no government to usurp. He put down the directory, who put 
 down the councils. The banishment to Cayenne is a proof 
 of this. 
 
MODERN CHIVALRY. 67 
 
 I agree with you, said an individual on the other side of the 
 box, or bench, as it rather might be called. It was the moun- 
 tain that ruined the republic, at the very time they were run 
 ning down others under the charge of incivicism and conspir 
 acy against the republic. 
 
 Doubtless, said the Captain, it is in popular intemperance, 
 that aristocracy, at least despotism had its source. Anarchy 
 is a return to the state of nature, where the strong and bold 
 will rule over the weak and timid. Here rising, and paying 
 his score, he withdrew. 
 
 CHAPTER XIV. 
 
 The Captain visits some of the public establishments of the mi 
 lage. The Lunatic Hospitalfinds a mad poet engaged in 
 turning the first volume of Modern Chivalry into rhyme. 
 
 The Captain having a short space of time to spare from his 
 avocations, and disposed to take the air, had walked out, and 
 coming near the small building which served as a hospital for 
 the village, was disposed to visit, and see the state in which it 
 was, with what new objects, since he had been absent on his 
 perigrinations. 
 
 He was shown by the keeper an extraordinary object in a 
 cell, a man who imagined himself a moral philosopher, deliv 
 ering lectures. His observations were occasionally fraught 
 with good sense. While the Captain stood, in the passage 
 opposite his door, he made a note of some part of his dis 
 course, and which, having had the opportunity of copying, we 
 shall give to the reader. It was on the subject of resentment 
 of injuries. 
 
 It is a strange thing, said he, that we cannot submit with 
 equanimity to evils in the moral world, as we do in the natu 
 ral. We expect a fair day, and there comes a foul. Is it any 
 gratification to us, to beat tho air, or stamp upon the puddle ? 
 
CHIVALRY". 
 
 Who would think of giving the cow-skin to a hurricane ? 
 Yet the greatest damage is sometimes done by a blast of 
 wind. He would be thought a madman, and be sent to this 
 place, who was apprehended buffetting a whirlwind, even 
 though it had torn up by the roots, or broken down a fruit 
 tree. He must be out of his senses indeed, that would have 
 recourse to a bludgeon in case of an attack by an inundation. 
 It would be a laughing stock to see even a Turk giving the 
 bastinado, to a hot season or to cold weather. The knout to 
 a Russian winter! Did the Pope ever excommunicate a storm 
 on the ocean? Whafr man is angry with a squall of wind? 
 He considers it an evil, and composes his mind to the loss of 
 his merchandise. Is ingratitude less to be expected ? And 
 yet when it happens, we reprobate, and seek revenge. Suffer 
 ings from moral causes, are just as common as from natural. 
 And yet when an injury is committed by a human creature, 
 we are taken by surprise, and lose temper. Cannot we turn 
 away as from a sudden gust, and shelter under some one wil 
 ling to protect us, without thinking more of the enemy that 
 had beaten us with his fist, or abused us with a bad tongue? 
 The pelting of a hail-storm never induces you ? to use hard 
 words, or to demand satisfaction of the atmosphere ; and yet 
 you will send a challenge, and risk your own life to punish a 
 man that has barely slighted you in manner or in words. Why 
 not take the other side of the road, and pass him as you would 
 a pond of water, or a marshy place? Cannot we take the ne 
 cessary precaution against calumny, as we would against foul 
 air, without putting ourselves in a passion with the author of 
 the defamation, any more,than with a vapour or an exhalation? 
 But there is such a thing, as will and intention in the moral 
 agent. Is this anything more than an idea, a matter of our 
 own imagination? It is the same thing to us whether there is 
 a spirit in the winds, or no spirit, when a house is blown down, 
 or the roof carried away. What is it to us, whether the cause 
 thinks, or does not think? We blame it the most sometimes 
 because it does not think. We call in question the understand, 
 ing of a man when he wrongs us ; and say, if he had the reflec 
 tion of a reasonable being, he would have conducted himself 
 
MODERN CHIVALRY. 
 
 in a different manner. And yet the consideration that he had 
 not reflection, does not mitigate, but increases our resent 
 ment. Oh! the inconsistency of human judgments! 1 
 am shut up here as a madman, in a mad place, and yet it ap 
 pears to me that I am the only rational being amongst men, 
 because I know that I am mad, and acknowledge it, and they 
 do not know they are mad, or acknowledge it. 
 
 As far as my small judgment goes, says an orator, when he 
 is about to express an opinion, and yet he does not think his 
 judgment small. He would take it much amiss if any one took 
 him at his word, and would say, true it is, your judgment is but 
 small. All think themselves wise, wise, wise. But I pay, 
 fools, fools, fools. At this the madman threw himself down on 
 his couch, and fell asleep. 
 
 In the next apartment was an insane person, who styled 
 himself the Lay Preacher, who took his text as usual, and be 
 gan to preach. Book of Judges, 21 : 25. " In those days there 
 was no king in Israel; and every man did that which was right 
 in his own eyes." 
 
 That was right, said a mad democrat, who was confined in 
 a cell across the passage. When we got quit of a king, the 
 same thing was expected here, " that every man should do that 
 which was right in his own eyes," but behold we are made to 
 do that which is right in the eyes of others. The law governs, 
 and this law is made up of acts of assembly, and the decisions 
 of the courts ; and a kind of law they call the common law. A 
 man's nose is just as much on the grind stone as it was before 
 the revolution. It is not your own will you must consult ; but 
 the will of others. Down with all law, and give us a free gov 
 ernment, " that every man may do that which is right in his 
 own eyes." Talk of liberty, when a man can't do as he pleases. 
 It is no liberty it is tyranny, monarchy, aristocracy and fed 
 eralism. 
 
 Madman, said the preacher, thou knowest not what thou 
 sayest. It is not allowable that men should do that which is 
 right in their own eyes. A man is not a proper judge of 
 right in his own cause. His passions bias his judgment. He 
 cannot see the right and justice of the case. The want of a 
 
70 MODERN CHIVALRY. 
 
 king in Israel was accompanied with the want of laws. I do 
 not mean to say that without a king there cannot be laws. 
 But kings are put here for government, that being the govern 
 ment, at that period known in the world. For even a mixed 
 monarchy is an improvement of later times. The meaning is, 
 there being no government, every man did that which was right 
 in his own eyes ; and ten to one, but it was wrong in the eyes of 
 others. A wild state of anarchy a time for Sampson to live, 
 that could knock down people with "the jaw-bone of an ass." 
 
 "What worse, said the democrat, than amongst us, where we 
 see honest men knocked down with the jaw-bones of lawyers, 
 arguing a cause, and the judges that decide upon the case? 
 A poor, naked, bare-footed fellow helps himself, without leave, 
 to something to eat, takes some clothing from one who has a 
 whole shop full, and he is put in confinement as a criminal, 
 when he has only claimed his natural rights. "Was not the 
 earth, and all the things on the face of it, flesh, herb, and fish, 
 given to men in common, by the creator ? Adam was only the 
 recipient for the benefit of all. And this first law is constantly 
 violated by the monopolies of goods, money and land! Some 
 have ten times more than they need, while others have 
 nothing but their bodies. Is this the law of God? I say 
 no the word is, divide, divide, so that each may have his 
 share. 
 
 But, said the preacher, in that case some men would soon 
 waste, or squander their portion, and be again destitute 
 what then ? 
 
 Why divide again, said the mad democrat. 
 
 At that rate, replied the preacher, the second division would 
 be the last, for after that no one would acquire property of any 
 kind. 
 
 So much the better, said the democrat. 
 
 Passing on, the Captain came to a stair case, and ascended 
 to the second story; he wished to see a mad poet who had been 
 engaged in travestying his travels. He had the advantage of 
 a commodious apartment, more so, than some of those who 
 have surpassed him in his art in different places and periods 
 of the world. The poet Dryden was not so well accommoda- 
 
MODERN CHIVALRY. 71 
 
 ted, at the time he wrote his St. Cecilia's ode, which is thought 
 to be the best of his compositions. The poet that we have be 
 fore us, was a quiet man, ard had the privilege of the hospital, 
 to go and come as he pleased, but not to go without the walls. 
 He was confined here by his relations merely as a matter of 
 convenience, being so absent in mind that he was incapable ot 
 taking care of himself. The manuscript in doggerel verse, 
 would seem to be sufficient to compose a book, half as large as 
 Hudibras. He was overjoyed to see tlft Captain, who was 
 the hero of his poem ; and the Captain was no less amused to 
 see him, and the adventures of which he made a part, turned 
 into rhyme. His sensations were somewhat similar to those 
 of the Trojan hero, when he saw the war of Troy, in the paint 
 ings hung up in the hall of the queen of Carthage. The cir 
 cumstance was not less entertaining to him as the actor, or the 
 speaker in the course of the adventures so recorded, and he 
 consented to accept a copy, not that he meant to give it to the 
 press, but to cast his eye over it, for his particular amuse 
 ment: nevertheless the manuscript having fallen into our hands, 
 we shall select parts of it, and according as the reader seems 
 to like what he gets, we shall give him more. In the mean 
 time we shall dismiss the Captain from the hospital, not but 
 that there was much more to see and hear, amongst the bed 
 lamites still; but affected with melancholy, and weary of the 
 scene; at the same time doubting with himself, whether those 
 he saw confined, were more devoid of reason than the bulk of 
 men running at large in the world. He had no donbt of one 
 being a lunatic, of whom the keeper made mention, but whom 
 he had not inclination to visit in the second story ; he was 
 said to be employed looking at the moon, with a pair of spec 
 tacles, which he took for a telescope. For lunacy means moon 
 struck, and this seemed to be the case in this instance. 
 
MODERN CHIVALRY. 
 
 CHAPTER XV. 
 
 Containing various matters of village clamor. The no code and 
 the new code parties. There is a talk of making judge of 
 O'Regan. 
 
 HAVING turned his back on the hospital, there was a con 
 course of people: the cry was a new code of laws. 
 
 A new code? said a grave man. Is not the old the result of 
 experience, a gradual accession of rules and regulations in 
 society? Begin again, and you would come to the same result 
 at last. But to form laws from abstract comprehension, fitted 
 to all exigencies, is not within the compass of the powers of 
 man. It is sufficient if he can form a schedule or plan of 
 government; this is tho outline; the interior gyrations must be 
 made up from repeated experiments. 
 
 The words, new code, were mistaken by some amongst the 
 the crowd, for no code. 
 
 No code was repeated through the multitude. 
 
 What, no laws at all? said the grave man. 
 
 No laws, was the outcry immediately; and every vociferous 
 person wishing to hear himself speak, and every timid person 
 afraid of being suspected of incivicism, began to call out, no 
 laws. 
 
 That will never do, said the grave man ; it were better to 
 have no judges than to have no laws, or at least as bad. For 
 how can men judge but by laws? Arbitrary direction is a 
 blind guide. 
 
 The words, no judges, had been heard more distinctly than 
 the rest, and supposing it to be a substitute for no laws, voices 
 came from every quarter in support of the amendment. I 
 support the amendment, I agree to the substitute; no judges, 
 no judges. 
 
 The clamor became general, down with the judges. 
 
 This puts mo in mind, said tho Captian, of the sermon of 
 
MODERN CniYALTlT. 73 
 
 the Lay Preacher. I should have no objection to an amend 
 ment of the law, or to new judges; but no laws, no judges, is 
 more than I had expected to have heard in an assembly of 
 republicans. 
 
 A person standing by was struek with the good sense and 
 moderation of this remark, and stepping forward, made his 
 harrangue. 
 
 I will not say, said he, that I am for no judges ; but this I 
 will say, that new judges is a desideratum in the body politic. 
 The greater part that we have are grown grey, and are as 
 blind as bats; they cannot see without spectacles. I am for 
 new judges. 
 
 You talk of judges, said the grave man, as if it was as easy 
 to make a judge of law as to make a bird-cage or a rat-trap. 
 
 What, said a merry fellow, shall we have new shoes, new 
 pantaloons, and new everything, and shall we not have new 
 judges? We shall never do any good with the present judges 
 on the bench, who are old and worn out. 
 
 It was carried that there should be new judges. 
 But having disposed of the old, it became a question whom 
 they should elect for new. The bog-trotter was proposed for 
 one, having had his name up before in the matter of the news 
 paper. 
 
 What, my waiter ? said the Captain. Yes, your waiter, said 
 a wag, or a fool, I do not know which. 
 
 You astonish me, said the Captain. My waiter a judge of 
 the courts 1 He will make sad work on a bench of justice. He 
 will put down all law. He will silence all lawyers. He will 
 have no law; no books; no cases; all plain-sailing with him. 
 Every man his own lawyer, state his own case; and speak for 
 himself. Hooks and Crooks; no Hawkins; no Bacons, or 
 Blackstones, or Whitestones; no strange cases; no law of 
 evidence. Every man sworn to tell what he knows, whether 
 he has seen it, or heard it, at second or at first hand; interest 
 or no interest; all the same; let the jury believe what they 
 think proper; and the judge state the law from his thumbs 
 ends without books. 
 This is madness, and here I have more trouble on my hands 
 
74 MODERX CUiYALRY. 
 
 with this bog-trotter, than I have ever had before. It is a 
 more delicate matter to see him placed on the seat of justice 
 to administer the laws, than to be in the senate house, and 
 assist to make them. For in that case ho would be but a 
 component member of a great body, and his errors might be 
 lost in the wisdom of the other members. But in the capacity 
 of judge he is sole, or with but a few, and it is an easier matter 
 to frame a single law, than to expound and apply a thousand. 
 Fellow citizens, said he, addressing himself to the multitude, 
 you will ruin your administration; you will bring disgrace upon 
 ife. The people will not feel your error at once, but they will feel 
 it by and bye, and will depose you who have been most active 
 in this cavalcade. That is, they will withdraw from you their 
 confidence. The abuse of power leads to the loss of it. No 
 party in a government can exist long, but by moderation and 
 wisdom. The duration of power will always be in proportion 
 to the discreet use of it. I am shocked at your indiscretion. 
 Have not some of you read Don Quixote? In the capacity of 
 judge, Sancho Panza made some shrewd decisions; or rather 
 Cervantes made them for him ; for I doubt much whether 
 Sancho ever made one of them. But who is there of you will 
 make decisions for Teague? I doubt very much whether he 
 would take advice, or let any one judge in his behalf. Besides 
 that of a judge is not a ministerial omce, and cannot legally 
 ba exercised by a deputy. You will make pretty work of it with 
 Teague for judge. It may be according to the light of nature, 
 but not according to the law of nature that he will judge. At 
 least, not according to the law of nations ; for no nation under 
 heaven ever had such a judge. Not even in the most unen 
 lightened times. If he had a knowledge even of the old Bre- 
 hon law, in his native country, it might be some help. But in 
 matters of meum and tuum he has a certain wrong-headedness 
 that hinders him from ever seeing right. He thinks always 
 on the one side; that is, on his own side. But what he would 
 do between suitors, I am not so clear, but I take it he would 
 be a partial judge. The man has no principle of honor or 
 honesty. He would be an unjust judge. 
 
 Will not the commission make him a judge? exclaimed one 
 of the multitude. 
 
MODERN CHIVALRY 75 
 
 But will it make Lim capable of judging? said the Captain. 
 
 YYhy not? said a boisterous man. What else qualifies or 
 makes fit? Can the most sensible man, or the most learned 
 person, judge without a commission? 
 
 Doubtless that is the authority, said the Captain. But still 
 the capacity. 
 
 Horapacity! said a man, with a bit out of one side of the 
 membrane of his nose, snivelling in hia speech, at the same 
 time squirting out a more than usual quantity of tobacco juice; 
 hompacity! Hive me the hommisshin, an' I'll ho-o you the 
 hompacity. Let me hee who dhare whestion my hompacity! 
 
 Such a burlesque, said the blind lawyer, tends naturally to 
 the overthrow of justice. For able and conscientious men will 
 withdraw from a degraded station. Intrigue, worse, perhaps, 
 than the arm of flesh itself, will come to be employed in the 
 management of causes. Security of person, property, and 
 reputation, the great end of civil institutions, will be rendered 
 precarious. The security of them depends upon fixed and 
 known rules, as well as the application of them. It is not an 
 easy matter to attain a knowledge of these rules. The laws of 
 a single game at school, or of such as employ manhood, in an 
 hour of amusement, is a thing of labor to acquire. The law 
 parliamentary, or rules of a legislative body, is not learned in a 
 day. And yet without a knowledge of it, there is a want of 
 order, or dispatch in business. The laws of municipal regu 
 lation in a community; laws of external intercourse, and internal 
 policy, are not attainable with the celerity of a moment's 
 warning. But when we come to the rules of property, the 
 laws of tenure and contract, a field opens that startles the 
 imagination. Even the study of years makes but a sciolist. 
 But you will say, lay aside rules. Let all decisions spring 
 from the dictates of common sense, applied to the particular 
 case before the judge. But the mere arbitrary sense of right 
 and wrong, is an unsafe standard of justice. A free govern 
 ment, is a government of laws. A Cadi or a Mufti are tolera 
 ble only in despotic countries. You are destroying your 
 republic, by undermining the independence and respectability 
 of your judiciary. It is that branch of government on which 
 liberty most essentially depends. 
 
70 HODERN CHIVALRY. 
 
 Tho multitude seemed to ba but little moved by thesa obser 
 vations, which made it necessary for the Captain to try what 
 could be done with the bog-trotter himself, to dissuade him from 
 accepting the appointment. Accordingly, taking him aside, 
 he spoke to him as follows: 
 
 Teague, said he, will there be no end of your presumption? 
 I take it to be a great error of education in our schools and 
 colleges, that ambition is encouraged by the distribution of 
 honors, in consideration of progress in letters; that one shall be 
 declared the first scholar in languages, another in mathematics. 
 It is sufficient that the fact be so without announcing it. The 
 self-love of the student will find it out for himself, without in 
 formation, and his fellow students will be ready to acknowledge 
 it, provided that it is not arrogated, or a demand made that it 
 be formally acknowledged. For this takes away the friendship 
 of others, and corrupts the moral feelings of the successful 
 competitor himself. Ambition springs up, that accursed root 
 which poisons the world. Now, you cannot lay your ambition 
 to schools or colleges; for you have never been at any seminary 
 whatever, as far as I understand, if I may guess from your 
 want of attainments in academic studies; and yet notwith 
 standing you have never been in the way of the distinction of 
 grades, and prizes, and literary honors, you have discovered an 
 ambition of a full grown size, even without those advantages 
 which are the stepping-stone to the ambition of others. It 
 must be a bad nature that has generated this preposterous 
 aiming and stretching at promotion. A wise man will weigh 
 what he undertakes; what his shoulders can bear, and what 
 they cannot. He will consider whether the office is fit for him, 
 or whether he is fit for the office. He will reflect that the 
 shade is oftentimes the most desirable situation. Do you se 
 that bird upon the tree there? It builds its nest with care, 
 and endeavors to render it convenient. But does it build it on 
 the topmost bough, exposed to the sun and the heavy rain? or 
 rather does it not choose an inferior branch in the thickest of 
 the umbrage? Take a lesson from the fowls of heaven, and 
 the brutes of the field. It is not the elevation of place but the 
 conveniency of the accommodation, that governs them. Am- 
 
MODERN CHIVALRY. 77 
 
 bition is an accursed germ of evil in the human mind. It is 
 equally destructive of the happiness of the possessor and o^ 
 that of others. You a republican, and yet destitute of republi 
 can virtue, the basis of which I take to be humility and self- 
 denial! Were I the master of an academy, the first and con 
 tinual lesson would be, to attain science, and be learned; but 
 as to seeming so, consider it of no account. Science wauld 
 discover itself. The possessing knowledge would b its own 
 reward. The concealment of all self-knowledge of this ad 
 vantage, not only constitutes the decent and becoming in life, 
 but lays the foundation of emolument in the good will of 
 others. It may be pardonable in early age to have pride in 
 the advantage of bodily form; but we call in question the mod 
 esty of a youth, male or female, who seems to set an inordinate 
 value on a limb or a feature. How much less tolerable the 
 pride of mental superiority! But of all things under heaven, 
 the most contemptible and the least sufierable, is that of in- 
 competency to a trust, and aspiring to a place for which the 
 candidate is not qualified;*or, even if qualified, against modesty 
 and the claims of others. It brings a man to be the subject of 
 a laugh and ridicule. Do you know that the making you a 
 judge was but a farce, in the manner that Sancho Panza was 
 advanced to a government? You have read the Don Quixotte 
 of Cervantes, I presume. But what do I say; you read Don 
 Quixotte 1 you have read nothing; and yet you would be a 
 judge! Ambition, I tell you, is an evil. Ycu have read of 
 Julius Csesir, in the Roman history, Again I forgot myself. 
 You have read nothing. But I may tell you of him. What 
 was the purple to him, compared with losing the affections of 
 his countrymen? Though, by the bye, there is some reason 
 to think it was neck or nothing with him, and that self pres 
 ervation made it necessary to usurp the empire, things having 
 come to that state at Rome, that if he did not usurp, anoth 
 er would. A good republican, and a virtuos man, would 
 rather fall than save his life at the expense of the rights of 
 others. But it slips my memory that I am talking to a bog- 
 trotter! There is no making a silk purse cut of a sow's ear. 
 Suppose YOU were made judge, in this hurly-burly of the pub- 
 
 6* 
 
S MODERN CHIVALRY. 
 
 lie mind, would your standing be secure, even with the most 
 perfect competency for the place ! You would not stand two 
 throws of a weaver's shuttle. Your chair, under you, would 
 bo like an old piece of furniture bought^at vendue, put together 
 for sale; the glueing gone and the joints broken. It would 
 fall before it felt half your weight, and leave you with your 
 ni'.ddle extremity upon the floor. New judges to-day, and the 
 public mind would have desired new judges to-morrow. Con- 
 aider the physical consequence of being broken from the bench. 
 Take my word, it is not a common breaking this; it will affect 
 your frame at every change of the weather. It will make an 
 alinanae of your whole system. It will make your joints ache. 
 It will be worse than a sprain in the ancle; or a rheumatism 
 in the limbs; or sciatica in the small of the back. It will give 
 you cholic every new moon, and take away your sleep at mid 
 night. It will give you the jaundice, and hurt your comolex- 
 ion. Your eyes will become yellow, and your cheeks green. 
 You will lose your appetite, and not be able to eat, even when 
 you 3an get it. Vv r hy man, it will blister your feet, and bieak 
 your shins. It will bring you to death's door, before you have 
 livc-d half your days. 
 
 Be de holy poker, said Teague, I'll be no judge. I'd sooner 
 dig turf in de bog. I taught de judge had noting to do, but 
 eit on a binch till he was tired, and den get up again, wid 
 plinty of money in his pocket, aitin and drinkin what he plased. 
 Fait, if dat's de way, de divil may be judge for me. 
 
 CHAPTER XVI. 
 
 Containing some wise saws and sayings. 
 
 To speak seriously upon he subject, I doubt much whether, 
 in the present commerceial state of society, and where prop 
 erty is not held in common, people would be safe and prosper- 
 013, without law altogether. I do not know whether even 
 lawyers are not a necessary _evil. Perhaps pome kinds of 
 
MODERN CHIVALRY. 79 
 
 officers, such as j .dges, sheriffs and others, are necessary to 
 to enforce the laws. But it must be admitted, that lawyers 
 take up too much time in their pleadings, and cite more au 
 thorities than are sufficient. The young read to show that they 
 have read, and the old that they have not forgotten. It strikes 
 me, thttt as all the citizens cannot employ sufficient time to 
 read and study so many laws, where the wants and various 
 interests of civilized society require them, there must be a set 
 of men who can devote their whole time to the acquisition. 
 But the reading so many authorities, often to prove what every 
 person of common SOESO will not think of denying, is not 
 showing proper respect to the understanding of those to whom 
 they are read. A little original thought and reason of the 
 lawyer himself might answer just as well. The reason of a 
 man's own raising, may be as good as that which is bought 
 in market. 
 
 What is it to us, 
 
 Though it were said by Trismegistus? 
 
 Not that I mean to undervalue, much less to lay aside alto 
 gether, the assistance of b3rrowed reason, and the auxiliary 
 deductions of other men, whether on this side of the water, or 
 beyond it. There is, however, such a thing as being enslaved 
 to authorities, or, at least, loading the argument with too 
 much incumbrance of quotations. It depends a good deal upon 
 the countenance given by the court to such lumber dra\vn 
 from the books; yet the correcting requires an infinity of care, 
 lesfe you lose the adyactage of resurring to first principles. 
 Antiquos redudere fontes, is an advice not to be disregarded. 
 Tha profound divine reads the commentaries, and thence 
 assists the comments he makes himself. The avoiding one 
 error may lead to a worse. Advice should not, on any subject, 
 be laid down too broadly, too positively, and admitting no 
 exception or modification. 
 
 Fuga culpee, 
 
 In vitium ducit. 
 
 In tearing up the dainel, the wheat may come with it. The 
 books must be read; 
 
 Nocturua manu, versate tliurrm. 
 
80 MODERN CHIVALRY. 
 
 But in the argument, I value more the judgment of selection, 
 than the labor of collecting. It is a flattering thing to a court, 
 to take it for granted, that they understand first principles; and 
 even a jury are not displeased when you s?em to suppose, in 
 summing up the evidence, and the remarjks upon it, th-.t they 
 themselves can see a thing that is as plain as a pike-staff. 
 Hence long speaking, and an over-minute investigation, is 
 sometimes odious. Or to attempt to make one believe what 
 cannot be believed, makes a man sick, provided he is not dis 
 posed to laugh. This depends a good deal on the natural 
 playfulness of his mind, or the mood in which he is, from the 
 want of food or sleep. I excuse the people showing a dissat 
 isfaction to the trial by jur?, under the pleading of advocates, 
 when the harrangues in an evening, are like to prove eternal. 
 When the stream of the orator turns upon itself, visits the 
 ground that it had left, and is unwilling to quit the enchanted 
 borders of the argument. 
 
 Yet, I think, all things considered, that there is some use in 
 courts of justice; and that it would not consort with ancient 
 habits, to lay them aside all at ence. Liberty has been accusj 
 tamed to them. I do not find that she has ever done without 
 them. Wherever she comes, she seems to call for them. 
 
 There is a strange coincidence between liberty and an estab 
 lished jurisprudence. Whether it be matter of accident, or a 
 connection in the natural existence, may deserve investigation. 
 To give the devil his due, there is a good deal of pains taken 
 in the courts to secure a fair trial, in empanneling the jurors, 
 and the adtnissibility of evidence, whether oral or written. As 
 to the protecting the suitors from each other, and what is 
 called the consequential contempt, it is a matter too delicate to 
 touch upon, and we shall pass it by. But it seems to me, the 
 peace is better kept, than if there were no courts at all, and 
 protection, given to the parties, relative to the matter in ques 
 tion even out of doors. However, this I leave to the considera 
 tion of the pruient. 
 
 Some are of opinion, that it would be better to argue all 
 matters of mourn, tuum, in the public papers, or in hand-bills 
 posted upon tree?, The principal objection I see to .this is, 
 
MODERN CIIITALRY. 81 
 
 that the suitors waxing warm in the controversy, would call 
 one another names and come to blows. A great deal of ill 
 blood between neighbors might show itself. How could you 
 keep lawyers from writing in the gazettes, any more than from 
 speaking at the bar? And h^-re, their jargon reduced to a 
 paper, would spread' widrr, and have more permanence than 
 floating on the atmosphere with which their breath had mixed 
 it in the first instasce. The theories of ingenious men are not 
 to be discouraged; yet it is not to be taken for granted, that 
 every theory that is plausible, is practicable, and will be found 
 to answer the expectations of the most deliberate projector. 
 
 The independence of judges and permanency in office, is a 
 favorite theme with the judiciary themselves. And doubtless 
 there is some reason on their side. For the Scripture says 
 "the fear of man bringeth a snare;" and the man that has the 
 most influence in elections, is likely to be most feared by an 
 elective officer. It would not be a state conducive to justice, that 
 in giving judgment, the judge should be under the temptation 
 to be looking about, and turning in his mind the probability of 
 being turned out, in consequence of the judgment he was then 
 to give whether John O'Nokes or John O'Stiles were to be the 
 next members of the legislative body. 
 
 But if you confer independence any more than in a minis. 
 Aerial officer, the judge becomes overbearing. Power corrupts. 
 It is natural to count too much upon a man's standing. Ev 
 ery one overrates his own importance, much more his own 
 services. Self-love and self-consequence swells, and produces 
 cedematous effects. The man that has given his vote at an 
 election, or written a paper, will conceive that he has turned 
 the election; that day- light springs because he has crowed. 
 He will denounce the man that differs from him, as swerving 
 from the faith; the orthodoxy of the creed; making no allow, 
 ance for the different organization of the brain, and the con 
 ception of things. How much more intolerant is a man lik e 
 to be, that conceives himself fixed in a seat for an interminable 
 period? 
 
 There is such a thing as tyranny in judges; and I am no 
 enemy to the inyestigation of official conduct. N But let th 
 
82 MODERN CHIVALRY. 
 
 power paramount, the people, take care that they exercise not 
 tyranny themselves, or give way to passion, which even in 
 a body politic is possible. Let the sovereign, like that of all 
 the earth, do justice, and consider that the possession of power 
 is upheld by justice. The experiment of a dependent judici 
 ary may be tried, for it has already been attempted. Our whole 
 government is one of experiment: in many things it has suc 
 ceeded, in others it may fail. 
 
 But as to the notion of some, that lawyers, and judges, 
 might be laid aside altogether; I doubt as already hinted, the 
 good policy of this. At least the experiment may be prema 
 ture. Republican principles have purified the world a good 
 deal ; but I do not know that it is just come to this, that men 
 are universally virtuous. Sonic vestiges of that iron-age yet 
 remain. The old man of sin enters yet a little into our deal, 
 ings with each other. I admit that public offices are pretty 
 well purged; but there are unfair transactions yet spoken of 
 among the multitude. It may be too soon yet to abolish all 
 law, and jurisprudence, relying altogether upon the spontane 
 ous sense of justice among all sorts of men, without law, or 
 authority to enforce the law, unless that wild kind of justice, 
 called Lynch law. I admit that courts of law are a check up 
 on the freedom of the press, and I excuse publishers of ga 
 zettes, in their zeal to have them overthrown, or at least reduced 
 to fear and subordination. Because it is drawing all things to 
 their own examination. But are they sure that they are good 
 republicans in this ? Or, indeed, that they consult their own 
 security in the event of this license. For prostrate the courts, 
 and the cudgel prostrates themselves. While they are pushing 
 at a judge, they are preparing the way for some robust man in 
 due time, to push at them. With different weapons it is true. 
 For the weapons of the press are spiritual, or of the mind; but 
 that of the bludgeon is corporeal, and made of wood, or some 
 other material of a solid substance. It is not the interest of a 
 printer that a judge be rendered timid, by persecution; for he 
 stands between the cudgelist, or pugelist, in the controversy 
 with the man of types. Thus the freedom of the press, is sup 
 ported by the laws, and by the duo enforcement of them. Yet 
 
MODERN CH1VALKY. 
 
 it is natural for a man at first view, to think, that if there were 
 no courts, he could write with less restraint. He could make 
 every man tributary to his opinions, or to his measures; for if 
 he did not libel, he could threaten to libel, and compel a sub 
 mission, or levy blackmail. 
 
 It seems to me that a poor man is safer in a country of laws, 
 than in one without laws. "For wealth maketh many friends;" 
 and I do not hear any complaints that the rich are favoured 
 in the courts. But that may be owing to the mode of trial, 
 which is in the face of the world, and where lawyers are Buf 
 fered to make as free with the character and conduct of a rich 
 rogue in a cause, as with one of a more circumscribed estate. 
 This last is one argument I have just hit upon, in favour of 
 lawyers; and I find myself well disposed to give them a lift, 
 when I can with propriety. For though I would be willing to 
 muzzle them a little in their speeches; yet I do not wish to see 
 them run down altogether. 
 
 Fortitude is a requisite qualification in a judge. It requires 
 resolution to preserve order at the bar ; overawe petulance ; ar 
 rest impertinence in manners, or in argument, suppress side 
 bar conversation; and render the practice tolerable to practi 
 tioners of mild and modest demeanor; of delicate and gentle 
 dispositions; of scrupulous honour, and liberality in the conduct 
 of a suit, or management in courts. Resolution is necessary to 
 decision unequivocal and satisfactory, unawed by forensic opin 
 ion or the influence of individuals. It is dangerous there/ore 
 to sap this spirit of independence, by the precarious tenure of 
 the office, while at the same time the right of the citizen is 
 examined, and the power of the court considered in its latitude 
 and operation. All I mean to say is, that the examination of 
 the judicial conduct is a high trust, in the view of an enlight 
 ened public, and answerable to the present time, and to pos 
 terity, for the consequences. When the people madly destroy 
 confidence in the judiciary, they destroy all security for their 
 own rights. And if persons and property are then not secure, 
 what matters it whether the government be a monarchy, oli 
 garchy, or a democracy? I am a democrat, because experi 
 ence satisfies me that this form under the restraint of laws 
 
84 MODERN CHIVALRY. 
 
 and constitutions, is best adapted to the ends of government, 
 among a virtuous and enlightened people, although the poet 
 sings : 
 
 Nunquam libertas gratior extat, quam 
 Sub rege pio. 
 
 Yet it would be as hopeless to expect such a king, or succes 
 sion of kings, as to expect that angels will descend from hea 
 ven to undertake the management of human concerns. While^ 
 therefore, I am of opinion that judges should be held account 
 able, they ought to be placed in a situation to be out of the 
 reach of demagogues, and the shifting winds of popular prej 
 udice. 
 
 What is the reason of the fluctuations of parties in republics? 
 
 The reasons are many. But one is the unskilful driving of 
 the state carriage, by those who get possession of the curricle. 
 Phaston, you know, though he had the best advice from his 
 father, 
 
 In uaedio tutissimus ibis; 
 
 the middle way is the best; yet before the middle of the day 
 he had set the earth on fire. The people are always honest, 
 but oftentimes the instrument of their own servitude; by dis. 
 trust where they ought to have confidence, and confidence 
 where they ought to have distrust. The bulk cannot have per 
 fect information : and that reach of thought which observation, 
 and experience gives. They must trust a good deal to others 
 in the science of government, and the expediency of public 
 measures ; and it depends upon those whom they do trust 
 whether the power of the party is long lived, or short. All de 
 pends upon the wisdom and integrity of those that lead. What 
 ruined the federal administration, but the intemperance of dri 
 ving? The upright disapproved, and the prudent forsook it. 
 The unskilful pilots were not aware of an under current that 
 had begun to set. Extremes will always beget the same effect; 
 and like the tension of a cord, produce a return in a contrary 
 direction. Judgment, how far to go, and where to stop, is the 
 great secret. Trained shaft horses, that will back down tho 
 inclined plane of a hill, are excellent in a team. Younglings, 
 though nettlesome, and generous, are apt to draw too fast, up- 
 n a declivity, or even on a plain- 
 
MODERN CHIVALRY. 85 
 
 For that reason, I cannot say that I am favorable to a change 
 of representatives every year, even when that which has been 
 done, does not altogether please me. Because experience is a 
 great ripener of the mind; it gives knowledge. A man after somo 
 time begins to understand the game, and to find out who it is 
 that takes a lead with a view to some object of his own. That 
 may be unfathomable in the early breaking of the business, 
 and yet come out at last. Or a man may come to see his own 
 error, and profit by the recollection. 
 
 But how will an honest man in a deliberative body, know what 
 to trust but his own judgment? Nothing. Then let him think 
 humbly, diligently, extensively, distrusting preconceived opin 
 ions, and laying his mind open to the light of truth. Yet there 
 may be some rules to guide the judgment. Such as trusting 
 the judgment of others who have had experience in the science, 
 or establishment, relative to which the question is agitated, or 
 the measure proposed. Every one ie" to be trusted in that thing, 
 of which he has some knowledge. Let him take a newspaper, 
 and read it judiciously, but not with implicit faith; let him 
 fancy himself a juror, bound to be on both sides, and give his 
 verdict as according to the truth. He may thus form a better 
 judgment of the men and measures of the day. Public, or ra^ 
 ther popular opinion, is subject to sudden changes and flaws, 
 like the atmosphere. Markets bad, wages low, employment 
 not to be had, and these make hard times; the cry then is, let's 
 have a change of some kind, to make them better. This is en 
 couraged by the demagogue. The illiterate, the needy, and the 
 vicious, if they acted separately from the rest, would be tho 
 majority; but fortunately the minority, the intelligent, those 
 possessing property, have still a controling influence over the 
 others. The most certain way of exercising that influence, ia 
 by the diffusion of knowledge. There is no safety but in tho 
 schools, and in the encouragement of education. Ignorance is 
 the canker wcrm of our free republic. It is therefore true, that 
 men of letters, are its best friends; among these will be found 
 those who love liberty and truth, for their own sake, and de 
 rive pleasure from the prosperity of their country, just as th 
 over of nature receives delight from the disinterested contem- 
 T 
 
8$ MODERN CHIVALRT. 
 
 plation of its beauties. But the people are always right! guy 
 the demagogues. This is true only so far that the majority 
 generally mean right. 
 
 That man is to be trusted who is free from the imputation of 
 inordinate selfishness in private life. You will find an artist 
 that is fonder of the art than the emoluments. There are men 
 that connect the public good with their own happiness; gen 
 erous spirits' who manifest this by their disinterestedness in 
 ordinary transactions. This is a good sign, and ought to in 
 spire confidence in their agency, in public matters. The man 
 that covets good will more than money, and the praise of be 
 nevolence, more than that of private gain, has some soul in 
 him, and other things equal, is to be trusted before him of a 
 contracted spirit, and self love in all his actions. 
 
 But after all, things will take their course; and no party in 
 a republic will retain power always, because they will abuse 
 it; but the duration of power in an elective government, will 
 depend considerably upon the being able to distinguish be 
 tween vigor and moderation. 
 
 There is a natural alliance between constitutional liberty and 
 letters. Men of letters are seldom men of wealth, and these 
 generally ally themselves with the democratic interest in a com 
 monwealth. These may form a balance, with the bulk of the 
 people, against power, springing from family interest and large 
 estates. It is not good policy in republicans to declare war 
 against letters, or to seem to frown upon them, _for in literary 
 men is their best support. They are as necessary to them as 
 light to the steps. They are a safe auxiliary: for all they want 
 is to have the praise of giving information. The study of 
 political law and municipal jurisprudence qualifies to inform; 
 hence at the commencement of the revolution, lawyers were 
 the first to give the alarm and assert the rights of the people. 
 Shall we forget the recent services of the lawyers, in framing 
 the federal and state constitutions? The name of lawyer 
 ought not to be hunted down, because there are persons un 
 worthy of the profession, with whom the love of money is 
 inordinate. 
 
 There is ground for regret, that literary institutions are not 
 
MODERN CHIVALRY. 87 
 
 favored ; that it has become a popular thing to call out against 
 learning, as not necessary to make republicans. The knowl 
 edge of the rights, and capacity to prosecute and defend them, 
 does not spring from the ground, but from education and 
 study. Our government is a complicated machine, and cannot 
 be managed without'skill. New questions of policy, new issues 
 constantly arise, and I fear the number is too small of those 
 who can decide upon them with knowledge, or, as the French 
 say, avec connaisance de cause. Common sense alone is not suffi 
 cient. One cannot even put a watch together without learning 
 how to do it. Common sense is only something to begin with. 
 
 CHAPTER XVII. 
 
 Various rumors. The author's excuse for taking his clown from 
 the Irish. Miscellaneous matters. Democracy has its strength 
 in strict integrity. 
 
 THE rumor had prevailed that the judges had been broke. 
 
 Is it on the wheel? enquired a man of books; for he could 
 not think it had been with the bow-string they had been pun 
 ished; for that is the mode of dealing with public officers in the 
 dominions of the Grand Sultan ; nor did he think it could have 
 been with the knout or bastinado ; as that is usual only in 
 Russia, and makes a part of the penal code, at the discretion 
 of the Czar. 
 
 Not upon the wheel, said a by-stander; they are not broke 
 in that sense of the word. It is but a removal from office, 
 that is intended by the word broke ; and not the breaking of 
 the back, or the limbs, or any part of the body. 
 
 Why break them ? said the learned man, even in that sense 
 of the word ? that is, remove. 
 
 Because they give a wrong judgment, said the by-stander. 
 
 There could na be a better reason, said a Scotch gentleman, 
 it is contrary to the very end o* their creation. 
 
 Why not reverse their judgment ? said the scholar. 
 
MODERN CHIVALRY. 
 
 Because it is better to reverse themselves, said the Scotch 
 ,gentlemeu, and let them and their judgment a go together. 
 
 At eaying this, a person came in who gave intelligence that 
 the 4th of July being about to be celebrated, the people had 
 made choice of Teague O'Regan, the Captain's man, to deliver 
 an oration, on this, the anniversary of our independence, and 
 to draw up the toasts. 
 
 Will absurdities never ceo.se, said the Captain, in a free 
 government? My bog-trotter chosen to deliver an harangue, 
 in commemoration of the men, and measures, of our great 
 national contest! It is for the celebration of the festival. 
 Astonishing! 
 
 Teague, said he, I could have put up with the great variety 
 of functions to which you have been proposed; or have pro 
 posed yourself; even that of a judge of the courts of law; as 
 being matters of a mere secular nature, and forensic ; but to 
 be the organ of the celebration of a festival, which has become 
 in a manner sacred, by the cause to which it is consecrated, 
 is beyond all endurance ; and as to the drawing up of toasts, 
 or sentiments for the day, you are incompetent. You maybe 
 equal to the fabrication of a common-place allusion to the pre 
 vailing cry, and make it the voice of the occasion, as for in 
 stance, to give a slap at the judges, but as to hitting off 
 thoughts on the principles of government; or practical appli 
 cation in the measures of the administration, you are unequal 
 to the task. 
 
 With regard to Teague himself, he had as little thought of 
 delivering an oration, or drawing up toasts, as any one else 
 could have. The apothecary, who meant to sell medicines 
 on that day, on a stage, had employed him to act in the capa 
 city of tumbler; not that he could tumble, but that he could 
 not tumble ; and so, by preposterous attempts at agility would 
 answer the purpose of moving laughter, and drawing the 
 attention of the multitude, who being collected for that pur 
 pose, might be drawn into another, purchase of worm powders, 
 lozenges, and the usual drugs. 
 
 The celebration of our national anniversary, will no doubt 
 . 
 
MODERN CHIVALRY. 89 
 
 be continued while the union of these states exists. It may be 
 continued by the parts probably after a dis-union; an event 
 certain, and inevitable ; but which, the wise and the good de 
 light to contemplate as remote ; and not likely to happen for 
 innumerable ages. The orations delivered en this day, may 
 graatly contribute to postpone the evert of a dis-union, by 
 patriotic and conciliatory sentiments. For this reason, the 
 b3st abilities, and the most virtuous hearts ought to be chosen 
 to be the orators of the occasion. 
 
 But the toasts, or sentiments given on the convivial libations; 
 not in honor of imaginary deities, as amongst the Greeks and 
 Romans; but in honor of deceased heroes, who have passed 
 from a scene where they were mixed with us, to that scene, 
 where we shall bo mixed with them; these expressions of the 
 public mind, ought to be the peculiar care of the aged and the 
 wise. They ought to be lectures of wisdom. Taking up 
 the matter in this point of view, what delicacy ought to be 
 attached to the expressioa of sentiment ! Let it be considered 
 that on a single thought may depend the essence of liberty ; 
 health or poison may be communicated by a word. For the 
 toasts of this day are consilered as indications of the public 
 will, and yet without a due sense of the solemn obligations of 
 honour and honesty, toasts are brought forward, perhaps by 
 an individual, in accommodation to a local prejudice, and 
 merely to accomplish the purpose of an election to a public 
 body. For the fact is that t >asts are not always the real ex 
 pressions of the sentiments of even a majority of those who 
 suffer them to pass ; they are introduced by the mistake of 
 those, who substitute the sentiments of the uninformed, for 
 that of the whole community. But all that is illiberal, n 
 these occasions ought to be avoided ; all inhumanity, and in 
 justice; all anticipation of judgment, on cages depending; all 
 expressions calculated to inflame the decision. For a popular 
 clamor once raised is difficult to be resisted. 
 
 Democracy has its strength in strict integrity; in perfect 
 delicacy; in elevation and dignity of mind. It is an unjust 
 imputation, that it is rude in manners, and coarse in expres 
 sion. This is the characteristic of slaves, in a despotism; not 
 
90 MODERN CHIVALRY. 
 
 of democrats in a republic. Democracy embraces the idea of 
 a standing on virtue alone; unaided by wealth, or the power 
 of family. This makes "the noble of nature/' of whom Thom 
 as Paine speaks. Shall this noble not know his nobility, and 
 be behind the noble of aristocracy, who piques himself upon 
 his honor, and feels a stain upon his delicacy as he would a 
 bodily wound? The democrat is the true chevalier, who, 
 though he wears no crosses, or the emblazoned arms of her 
 aldry, yet is ready to do right and justice to every one. All 
 others are impostors, and do not belong to the order of de. 
 mocracy. Many of these there are, no doubt, false brethren, 
 but shall the democrat complain of usurpation; of undue influ 
 ence; or oppression and tyranny from ambitious persons; and 
 not be jealuus, at the same time, of democratic tyranny in 
 himself, which is the more pernicious, as it brings a slur upon 
 the purest principles ? 
 
 It has been asked, why have I taken my clown from -the 
 Irish nation ? The character of the English clown I did not 
 well understand; nor could 1 imitate the manner of speaking. 
 That of the Scotch I have tried, as may be seen in the charac 
 ter of Duncan. But I found it, in my hands, rather insipid. 
 The character of the Irish clown, to use the language of Rous 
 seau, "has more stuff in it." Ho will attempt anything. I 
 find, however, that it has greatly displeased some of my friends 
 of that nation, which I deeply regret; for there is no people 
 whom I more admire for the many noble qualities which they 
 possess. 
 
 The American has, in fact, yet no character; neither the 
 clown nor the gentleman; so that I could not take one from 
 our country, which I would much rather have done, as the 
 scene lay here. But the midland states of America, and the 
 western part in general, being half Ireland, the character of 
 the Irish clown will not be wholly misunderstood. It Is true 
 the clown is taken from the aboriginal Irish, a character not 
 so well known in the north of that country; nevertheless, it is 
 still so much known, even there, and amongst the emigrants 
 here, or their descendants, that it will not be wholly thrown 
 away. 
 
MODEKX ClllVALRr. 9l 
 
 On the Irish stages, it is a standing character; and on the 
 theatre in Britain, it is also introduced. I have not been able 
 to do it justice, being but half an Irishman myself, and not so 
 well acquainted with the reversions and idiom of the genuine 
 Thady, as I could wish. However, the imitation, at a distance 
 from the original, will better pass than if it had been written 
 and read nearer home. Foreigners will not so readily distin 
 guish the incongruities, or, as it is the best we can produce for 
 the present, will more indulgently consider them. 
 
 I think it the duty of every man who possesses a faculty, and 
 perhaps a facility of drawing such images as will amuse his 
 neighbor, to lend a hand and do something. Have those 
 authors done nothing for the world, whose works would seem 
 to have no other object than to amuse? In low health; after 
 the fatigue of great mental exertion on solid disquisition; in 
 pain of mind from disappointed passions; or broken with the 
 sensibilities of sympathy and affection; it is a relief to try not 
 to think, and this is attainable, in some degree, by light reading. 
 Under sensations of this kind, I have had recourse more than 
 orico to Don Quixotte; which doubtless contains a great deal of 
 moral sentiment; but, at the same time, has much that can 
 serve only to amuse. Even in health, and with a flow of spirits, 
 from prosperous affairs, it diversifies enjoyments, and adds to 
 the happiness of which the mind is capable. I trust, therefore, 
 that the gravest persons will not be of opinion that I ought to 
 be put out of the church, for any appearance of levity which 
 this work may seem to carry with it, 
 
 I know there have been instances amongst the puritans, of 
 clergymen degraded for singing a Scotch pastoral. But music 
 is a carnal thing compared with putting thoughts upon paper. 
 It requires an opening of ths mouth and a rolling of the tongue, 
 whereas thought is wholly spiritual, and depends not on tho 
 modification of the corporeal organs. Music, however, even 
 by tiie strictest sects, is admissible in sacred harmony, which 
 is an acknowledgment, that even sound has its uses to sootho 
 the mind, or to fit it for contemplation. 
 
 I would ask, which is the most entertaining work, Smollet's 
 History of England, or his Humphrey Clinker? For as to the 
 
V2 liOUERN 
 
 utility, so far as that depends upon truth, they are both alike. 
 - History has beeu well said to be the romance of the human 
 wind, and Romance, the history of the heart. When the son 
 of Robert Walpole asked his father whether he should read to 
 him out of a book of history, he said, " he was not fond of 
 Romance." This minister had been long engaged in affairs, 
 and from -what he had seen of accounts of things within his 
 own knowledge, he had little confidence in the relation of thioga 
 which he had not seen. Except memoirs of person's own times, 
 biographical sketches by cotemporary writers, Voyages and 
 Travels, that have geographical exactness, there is little of the 
 historical kind, in point of truth, before Roderick Random, or 
 Oil Bias. 
 
 The Eastern nations convey moral instructions almost 
 entirely by parables or tales. Nor is the story with them the 
 less amusing because it is not true. Nor is the moral less 
 impressive, because the actors never had existence. Nor can 
 it be said to be false, when it paints characters that are found 
 among men, and represents life and manners with truth and 
 fidelity. 
 
 Comparing great things with small, we have written this book 
 in the manner of certain ancients; that is, with a dramatic 
 cast. The book of Job is among the earliest of all compositions; 
 and after an introduction, containing an account of his misfor 
 tunes and malady, introducss the speakers in three different 
 characters and names, each sustaining his opinion; and giving 
 the author an opportunity to canvass the subject he had in 
 view, the ways of Providence, and to give lessons of humility 
 and resignation to man. 
 
 The Socratio schools have distinguished themselves, and 
 amongst these, chiefly Plato, in hia Dialogues, and Zenophon, 
 in his Symposium or Banquet. 
 
 It has been followed by the Romans; of whom Cicero, in his 
 book treating of the qualifications of an orator, or, as we com 
 monly style it, de oratore, is the happiest instance. And Sir 
 Thomas Moore introduces his Utopia in this manner. 
 
 The vehicle which I have chosen of supposed travels, and 
 conversations, affords great scope and much freedom, and 
 
MODERN CHIVALRY. 93 
 
 furnishes an opportunity to enliven with incident. Doubtless, 
 it is of the same nature with many things in the novel way 
 written by philosophic men, who chose that form of writing, 
 for the purpose of merely conveying sentiments, which in a 
 didactic work, under the head of tract or dissertation, could 
 not easily gain attention, or procure readers. 
 
 But the characters which we have introduced, are many of 
 them low. That gives the greater relief to the mind. 
 
 The eye withdraws itself to rest 
 
 Upon the green of fol]y : s breast. 
 
 Shakspeare has his Bardolph, JNym and Pistol, and the 
 dialogue of these is a relief to the drama of the principal per 
 sonages. It is so in nature; arid why should it not be so repre* 
 sented in the images of her works ? We have the sage and 
 the fool interspersed in society, and the fool gives occasion to 
 the wise man to make reflections. It is this which forms one 
 of the charms of Shakspeare. 
 
 CHAPTE R XVIII. 
 
 An epistle from a reading tailor to the author, with the author's 
 reply 
 
 THIS work, y'clept Modern Chivalry, having fallen into the 
 hands of a maker-up of vestments for the human body, in the 
 Latin language denominated sartor, vestuarius, sarcinator for 
 it would seem they had tailors among the Romans , one of 
 these, I eay, had come across this book, and reading a little of 
 it occasionally on his shop-board, seems to have felt some irri 
 tation at the obscurity of certain terms not well understood, 
 being in the Latin or Greek language, or derived from thence ; 
 so that not being able to get at the root, he could not compre 
 hend the stem of the tree, nor enjoy the adumbration of the 
 branches and foliage. I had received from him the following 
 letter, in which he cites scripture against me; so that I could 
 not well avoid answering him, having made the matter so seri- 
 
94 MODERN CHIVALRY. 
 
 ous. I do not give the date of his letter to me, nor of mine to 
 him, as not being material to the predicaments of the ubi or 
 the quando, that is the when or the where of Aristotle; nor is 
 it material that I give the name or the sir-name, or, as the 
 Romans would have said, the nomen, pronomen, or cognomen 
 of the artist in this case. It is sufficient that I give his ideas, 
 as they came from under his goose, hot from the press, as they 
 might be said to be. After some introductory compliments, 
 which I omit, he comes to the point, cr, in other words, takes 
 up his parable, and says 
 
 'When your book came my way, I read all of it that I could 
 understand, and gave it to my apprentices to read, and I hope 
 it has been useful to them; but no doubt it would have been 
 more so, had it been all written in the English tongue. But, 
 unfortunately, some of it is written in a kind of foreign lingo, 
 which neither they nor I have any knowledge of, having only 
 learnt English or American. But I do not mean to include in 
 what I do not understand, that which is put into the mouth of 
 Teague, as Irish brogue; nor anything that Duncan is made to 
 say, or actually did say; for the dialect of Duncan, which is 
 called Braid-Scots, or what is the same thing, Scots-Irish, was 
 my mother tongue. That I might not be mistaken, I asked 
 our schoolmaster what language he took it to be that forms 
 the lining or wadding of your book. He told me that it 
 was Latin, a language spoken some ten or fifteen hundred years 
 ago, by a race of Pagans, who inhabited a part of Italy, and 
 was still used by the priests of the Romish Church, in the 
 performance of some of the more solemn parts of their worship, 
 but was not the vernacular tongue of any people on earth at 
 this day, except in an interior country of Europe, called 
 Hungary, where it was said to be spoken by the hostlers, 
 nor was it likely that it ever would; though there were 
 words borrowed from it in many of the European languages 
 which, however, were now perfectly naturalized. I asked 
 him if he could conjecture what could move you to write 
 Latin; or at least make Latin quotations to a people very few 
 of whom understood anything but English, and Dutch, and 
 gome Irish? He told me that he had long considered it the 
 
MODERN CHIVALRY. 95 
 
 infallible criterion of a learned man, to understand Greek and 
 Latin ; that it was very common with writers to throw in sen 
 tences, here and there in their productions, in order to let their 
 readers know that they were learned, or, at least to make 
 them think so. I presume the school-master was correct. But 
 surely there was no necessity to break the thread of your dis 
 course for this vain purpose. I anticipate your repeating 
 those obsolete antiquated arguments, that have been so often 
 urged and so often refuted, to induce people to waste the pre 
 cious season of youth in learning languages, which never can 
 be of anj avail to them until the resurrection; and not then, 
 unless they should be placed in a colony of ancient Romans or 
 Greeks. Nor am I certain that the Latin and Greek which 
 are now learned out of the few remaining books written in 
 ancient times, would be understood by the mass of the people 
 who then lived in those countries. This I know, that if we 
 could talk no other kind of English than that used by our poets 
 and prose writers, we could not transact much of the business 
 of common life. A shop-keeper, for instance, could not do the 
 business of one day in his shop; nor could we find words suffi 
 cient to buy and sell a horse. But, you will say, we must know 
 the roots of words. What signifies whence the root came from 
 or where it lies, if we know the meaning of the word? To 
 understand the English, must a person learn all the languages 
 from which it is derived? If it be so, he must spend a life in 
 learning languages; and indeed a long life would not suffice. 
 But the thing is absurd. We know that those who never 
 learned Greek or Latin, understand the meaning of the words, 
 sermon, oration, audience, amorous, subpoena, scire facias, and 
 an endless variety of other words, as well as the best Latin or 
 Greek critics. They understand nothing about their roots, but 
 they understand the ideas they are used to convey, just as well 
 as those who have dug for four or five years to reach the root. 
 If half the time of young people was employed in acquiring a 
 knowledge of the English tongue, that is wasted in teaching 
 them dead languages, they would be much better English 
 scholars. Solomon says, "a living dog is better than a dead 
 lion." But I have have no objection that those who can afford 
 
96 MODERN CHIVALRY. 
 
 it may learn as many languages as they please; provided that 
 men of sense would not indulge the vanity of mixing their 
 writings with unknown phrases. This induces people to buy 
 their books; to whose great disappointment and mortification, 
 when they peruse them, they find the sense every now and 
 then broken and interrupted, by foreign jargon, without any 
 explanation or interpretation, which would be quite as well 
 were it left blank. Now, there is no justification or apology 
 for the trick; for those who understand English and Latin, 
 would understand it quite as well were it all English. But 
 thousands who could understand it were it English, cannot 
 make sense of the Latin; and often without understanding the 
 Latin, the sense of a good deal that goes before, and follows 
 after, is lost. If a man will write Latin, let him write his 
 whole book in Latin, and in that case mere English scholars 
 will not be imposed on. Nothing in the world frets or vexes 
 me more than to be stopped in a subject in which I feel myself 
 deeply engaged, by a gap filled up with the rubbish of an 
 unknown tongue. Permit me to call your attention to the 14th 
 chapter of Paul's first epistle to the Corinthians. St. Paul 
 understood as many languages, both by inspiration and educa 
 tion, as all the lawyers, doctors and divines in America; yet 
 he had not the vanity of making a display of his learning 
 where it could answer no good purpose, and severely censures 
 those who did so. He seems to have been fully sensible of his 
 great gifts and acquirements in this matter; yet he despised 
 exercising those gifts merely to show his skill, and to puzzle 
 those whom he addressed. I am inclined to think, that those 
 tongues that Paul understood so well, were living tongues, not 
 languages which were dead and buried some thousand years 
 before his time. It is probable he understood the Hebrew, 
 and whether or not this was the language spoken by the Jews, 
 in Paul's time, I am not antiquarian enough to know; but 
 rather think, from their being so long mixed with other nations, 
 it was not the ancient Hebrew. If so, I am persuaded he 
 would not bother them with it, either in his speeches or wri 
 tings. If I were in the habit of betting, I would venture 
 eomething that his epistle to the Hebrews is neither written in 
 
MODERN CHIVALRY. 97 
 
 the ancient Hebrew tongue, nor is it crammed everywhere with 
 quotations from this tongue. St. Paul was an humble, modest 
 man, and neither vain of his attainments nor of his gifts; I 
 mean those which he had by inspiration or by education." 
 
 So far this respectable artizan, to whom, as civility demand 
 ed, I drew up and directed an answer; and having given that 
 from him to me a place here, it will be but justice to myself, 
 to insert that to him from me, in this book also. It was as 
 follows : 
 
 "In that very epistle which you cite, we have the authority 
 of St. Paul in favor of acquiring languages. In verse 5 of 
 chapter 14, he says, 'I would that ye all spake with tongues.* 
 In our day, when inspiration has ceased, it is only by human 
 means that a knowledge of tongues can be acquired; never 
 theless the advantages must remain the same; and the Apostle 
 must be considered as still disposed to say, ' I would that ye all 
 spake with tongues.' To say the least of it, it can do no harm, 
 even now, to be able to converse in more languages than one, 
 though there may not be the same necessity as at an early 
 Period, where the gospel was to be preached to every creature. 
 Whether the time is wholly thrown away, that is spent at the 
 academies, in acquiring a knowledge of what are called the 
 dead languages, so as to be able to understand the books that 
 are written in those tongues, is a dispute into which I shall not 
 enter; because the chief thing that I am anxious to defend 
 myself against, is the impropriety of introducing the knowl 
 edge that one has of these in an improper place; that is, to 
 those who do not understand them; which may be considered, 
 supposing the acquisition valuable, as ' throwing pearls before 
 swine.' As to the imposing upon a purchaser, it is out of the 
 question, since a bookseller will permit one to look at the book 
 before he purchases. And if he sees anything in Latin or 
 Greek, he can refuse to purchase. He is under no necessity of 
 purchasing a pig in a poke, in this case; and as to fretting and 
 vexing a reader, it must be referred to his own evil passions to 
 be so disquieted when he has purchased with his eyes open. 
 You seem to speak in this case, or at least to write, as if all 
 books were to be made for you, and to your particular taste; 
 
98 MODERN CHIVALRY. 
 
 not considering that there are some who value a work the more 
 for having a sprinkling of Greek and Latin, or other language, 
 dead or living. When you make a coat for your customers, do 
 you not find some who will choose a cape of velvet to a cloth 
 coat; and, perhaps, the cape of a different color from the coat? 
 If you were to make up coats not bespoke, would you not look 
 to the possible taste of what might be thought fashionable, 
 adjust your own taste to that of the public's, and put, perhaps, 
 buttons on the haunches where there is no use for them; and 
 not even holes alongside, to accomplish the fashioning of part 
 to part? For you could not be sure that those alone of th 
 Friends or Quakers' Society would be your customers. The 
 costume of military men is blue and buff, or red and white 
 facings, in some instances, and it will behoove you to accomo- 
 date to '_this, though your own choice would be a coat of one 
 color throughout. We find from the scripture, that " Israel 
 made his son Joseph a coat of many colors." This, doubtless, 
 because according to his notion of things, it was the more 
 splendid. Whether it was woven with stripes of many colors, 
 or of mixed dyes in the warp and woof, like the plaid of the 
 Caledonians, the text does not say. It might be made up of 
 small pieces of different colors, put together as thrifty house 
 wives make what is called patch-work. I have seen what is 
 called a rag carpet, made up by industrious women; and varie 
 gated from the materials of which it was composed. Hogarth 
 in his analysis of beauty, lays down variety to be a principle 
 of this, as well as utility. To reduce, therefore, everything to 
 what is absolutely of one appearance, would interfere with the 
 embellishments of dress, and, in many other cases, with what 
 pleases the eye. Why does nature give us red, purple, and all 
 the colors of the raindbow, in trees, plants and flowers, but 
 because these please the sense of man? But the eye, you will 
 say, can comprehend these; but the unlettered mind cannot 
 comprehend Latin, and much less Greek, or Hebrew, or Sa 
 maritan. But is there not a sublimity in the obscure ? At 
 least the great Burke, in his treatise on sublimity, so lays it 
 down. In the natural world, there is something in darkness 
 which impresses the mind with awe. A lowering cloud brings 
 
MODERN CHIVALRY. 99 
 
 an impression of dignity and grandeur. In the natural world, 
 is there not more in mystery than in what is self-evident? 
 Why, otherwise, do we value preachers in the pulpit, in pro 
 portion to their dwelling on what is unintelligible? Mere 
 morality, and nothing more, says the hearer; I want something 
 *hat I cannot understand. What sort of doctrine is that which 
 is little more than human knowledge; and being so, cannot be 
 orthodox? Give me the divine, says one, that will speak 
 through his nose, whack the pulpit, and make the whole house 
 ring: who will shut his eyes, open his mouth, and stamp with 
 his foot, and tell the agel Gabriel to wait a bit, till he can take 
 the news to heaven of one converted sinner. It is of no mo 
 ment whether I understand his words or not; or rather, I 
 would not wish to understand him, for if I did, I would take 
 it for granted that it was not so deep as it ought to be. 
 
 This book is written for individuals of all attainments, and 
 of all degrees of intellects. What hinders me, therefore, to 
 season the word with what may please the Latin or Greek 
 scholar ? I refer you to your own Paul, who says in the same 
 epistle, chapter 9th, verse 22d, "To the weak I became as 
 weak, that I might gain the weak." Now, supposing me to 
 consider this pie-balding of a work, by the interspersion of 
 different languages, to be but little more than pedantry, and to 
 savor of an affectation of learning ; yet, may I not be looking 
 at some great] examples over the water, or perhaps on this side, 
 who have seasoned their compositions with the same salt and 
 pepper, which to the natural taste might not perhaps be so 
 well suited. You appear to be a religious man, by your quo 
 ting St. Paul, and no doubt have read some, or perhaps 
 most of the religious books that have been published in Eng 
 land and Scotland, subsequent to the era of the reformation, 
 or about that time; and will you not find these abundantly 
 replete with quotations from the Greek and Latin fathers ? 
 And it cannot be supposed that tradesmen of that day were 
 better acquainted with what you call the dead languages than 
 what you allege yourself to be. And I doubt whether in a 
 new edition of these writings, you would suffer the sentiments, 
 though in an unintelligible tongue, to be struck out of those 
 
100 MODERN CHIVALRY. 
 
 books; and yet you complain because in this unsanctified work 
 I make a little free, or cabbage a sentence, now and then, from 
 a Pagan poet or prose writer, because fraught with good sense 
 and sound morality. Why not translate these quotations? you 
 will say. Because I am afraid of insulting learned men, who 
 would resent it as being thought necessary to them. What 1 
 they would say, did this blockhead take it for granted, that 
 they were all pedlars and bog-trotters in this country, and did 
 not understand the Greek or Latin tongue? If that be the 
 case, let it be left to Snip, or Crispin, or Traddle to read it. 
 As for us, we have no need of a translation of sentences that 
 are in every one's mouth, that can protend to be scholars." 
 
 Such was my answer to this worthy person; but what could 
 be expected from an unlettered man writing to me, but miscon 
 ception of the advantages to be derived from classical learning, 
 and a repugnance to all that did not natter the vanity of such 
 readers, but must put them in mind of the deficiency of their 
 education? With such, what can we expect but levelling sen 
 timents inchurch and state?! It is the nature of man, that if he 
 cannot raise himself to the attainments of the learned, he will 
 be disposed to bring down academic studies to his own opportu 
 nities. There have been even men of academic education, in 
 our day, that to escape the imputation of pedantry, will avoid 
 even at the bar, the uttering of a Latin maxim, though they 
 may have these derived from the Civil Law, at their fingers' 
 ends. Not so Mansfield, or Kenyon, or M'Donald, or Ellen- 
 borough; at least, not so Coke, or Bacon, Campden, or other 
 great masters of the law. Profound research is not consistent 
 with such squeamishness of shunning quotations in the learned 
 languages, but a richness of quotation of pithy sentences in 
 the Latin tongue, is some evidence of reading such reports as 
 those of Dyer, Plowden and Hobart.* 
 
 * The author wished to reach the mass of the people, and disperse 
 sound maxims and principles, moral and political, not merely among 
 the more reflecting and serious portion, but among the unlettered 
 and unthinking; by presenting them a book, professedly to amuse, 
 concealing the design to instruct, which might disgust. He had in 
 view the honest mechanics, yeomanry, and laborers. We see in the 
 

 
 MODERN CHIVALRY. 
 
 We cannot entertain a doubt, consistent with revelation, but 
 that, at the first propagation of the gospel, the gift of tongues 
 was communicated to simple men by inspiration; but, in what 
 proportion we do not find. For, that there was less or more i n 
 the communication, is evident from what St. Paul says; "I 
 thank my God, I speak with tongues more than ye all." But 
 if the speaking with tongues was considered a blessing, from 
 inspiration, is the acquiring these by ordinary means to bo 
 undervalued? A knowledge of languages can be acquired 
 only in the academies, or by travelling, unless the individual 
 has had the advantages of several cradle languages, or vernac 
 ular tongues taught in his infancy; which was the case with 
 Paul, having had the advantage of being born of Hebrew pa 
 rents, and of being bred at Tarsus, where the boys in the street 
 spoke Greek, Latin, Syriac, and perhaps many other tongues; 
 this being a city alternately under the dominion of the Greeks, 
 the Romans, the kings of Syria, and others. St. Paul had this 
 advantage of the other Apostles, setting aside what he might 
 have had by inspiration. Doubtless, he reproves the making a 
 parade of these or any other endowments of the body or mind, 
 O r the speaking to people in a language they understood not. 
 But what has this to do with making a book, when it cannot 
 be told who will take it up to read? It may be one who can 
 understand nothing but the Latin part; and is it not reasonable 
 that he should have something for his money ? the author put 
 ting off his manufacture, in the meantime, by what some read 
 ers may consider an ornament and not a blemish? It is thus 
 that we set down on a table meats to suit all palates. * 
 
 case of Mr. Burritt, that a working blacksmith may become a learned 
 man, if he will use his opportunities, or make them. 
 
 * The utility of studying the Classics, in the Greek and Latin, is a 
 vexed question. In my opinion, education cannot be complete with 
 out it; yet I do not fully agree with the author, who was himself a 
 master of them, that they are absolutely necessary, to the extent to 
 which the study has been carried. They are undoubtedly of great 
 use, and a great accomplishment when acquired. On ihe one hand, 
 they may be undervalued by those who are ignorant of them; on ths 
 other, overrated by those who have devoted years to their 
 
 8* 
 
SIODKIJX CHIVALRY. 
 
 CHAPTER XIX. 
 
 FuriJier particulars respecting tlie memoirs of 0' Regan. Tlie 
 St. Tammany Society. 
 
 IF the memoir of O'Regan had not advanced him to a pro 
 fessor's chair, it had, at least, procured him admission to a 
 number of learned societies, abroad and at home. 
 
 tion. Two reasons may be given why they are of less importance 
 at the present day: The first is, the immense enlargement of tho 
 circle of science. The second, the existence of classic writings in 
 modei-n languages. There is undoubtedly a bigotry of the learned 
 on this subject. It might as well be contended, that no one can be 
 a perfect scholar who has not taken his degree at Oxford. 
 
 The reasons in favor of studying the dead languages are 1st. Tho 
 discipline of learning and fixing the attention to a difficult and labori 
 ous mental operation. 2d. The knowledge of our own language, 
 eo large a portion of which is derived from Greek and Latin. 3d. 
 The ability to see and understand the numerous allusions to tho 
 Clasics, even where there is no quotation. 4th. A knowledge of 
 the pi'inciples of language in general, as a science; its structure and 
 composition, by putting it together and taking it apart, like some 
 piece of machinery. 5th. A perfect acquaintance with the best 
 models of composition, in all its varietes, to which the classical wri 
 ters attained. These are not all the reasons, but the principal. 
 
 I am in favor of studying the Classics , but not of giving so much 
 time to them as is now practised. I would confine the minute and 
 perfect knowledge of them to pi*ofessed teachers, who need not 
 study anything else. To general scholars I would give such knowl* 
 edge as may be acquired in two or three years. I would teach the 
 Greek and Latin Grammars perfectly, and read some of the minor 
 school books. After this I would read elevated prose translations of 
 Virgil, Homer, and Horacr; and the best translations of other clas 
 sics; so ag to save time in reading them afterwads. The general idea 
 or outline, as a whole, should be acquired, before going into tho 
 details. It is a wretched logs of time, to spend hourt and days in 
 

 MODERN CHIVALRY. 103 
 
 But notwithstanding the most pressing invitations, he could 
 not be brought to accept of an introduction to the St. Tamma 
 ny Society, owing to the aversion he still entertained of being 
 made an Indian chief, from which he had a narrow escape. 
 For unfortunately, it had been explained to him, that St. Tam 
 many was an Indian Saint, and that the society met in a 
 wigwam, and exchanged belts. They offered to make him a 
 Sachem, but all to no purpose; the idea of scalping and torn- 
 hocking hung still upon his mind. It was by compulsion, in 
 France, that he took upon him the character of an Indian, in 
 the procession of Anacharsis Clootz. 
 
 The Captain presented himself to the society, explaining 
 these things; and that in fact, such had been the alarm of the 
 author of the memoir, at the proposition of being made a 
 member, that he had absconded a day or two before. The 
 society took his excuse, and made the Captain an honorary 
 member in his place. * 
 
 unravelling a sentence, or thumbing dictionaries for a word. I am 
 therefore in favor of interlinear translations, in studying the origi 
 nals, after reading the free translations. Let this time and expense 
 of labor be spent for something of more practical utility. The 
 quicker an author's meaning can b& found, the better. If repetition 
 be necessary to fix in the memory, let the book be read a second or 
 a third time; and then it will be read with pleasure. It will thus be 
 remembered as well as Robinson Crusoe or the Pilgrim's Progress. 
 Let the outline, the plan, the story, the ideas, be first mastered. I 
 read a translation of Virgil in French; and after this, reading it in 
 the Latin, in a class, I found that I had a great advantage over my 
 classmates; 1 procured ideas, they only words. If the scholar, after 
 this, shows dislike, you may rest assured that literature is not hi 
 vocation, at least this branch of it: although he may have great 
 aptitude for the sciences, mathematics, natural history, &c. &c. 
 
 The utility of acquiring living languages, is a different question. 
 
 [EDITOR. 
 
 *The St. Tammany Society, whatever may have been its origin, 
 has degenerated into a political club, where schemes of party poli 
 tics are discussed and matured. This Indian Chief, Tammany, was 
 well known in the neighborhood of Philadelphia, having his homo 
 on the PHnwavp, about one hundred and fifty voars asjo. 
 

 104 MODERN CHIVALRY. 
 
 This was no object with the Captain, as he was a candidate 
 for no office, and could draw no advantage from a promiscuous 
 association. Nor did he see that he could be of any use to 
 mankind in this new capacity; as the propagation of the gospel 
 in foreign parts, or amongst the savages, made no part of the 
 duty. For, though Tammany himself may have been a Saint 
 there are few of his disciples that can pretend to sanctity* 
 superior to common Christians; or at leapt, their piety consists 
 more in speculation, than in active charity and practice. We 
 hear of no missionaries from them among the aborigines of 
 the continent, as we should be led to expect from being called 
 the St. Tammany society. For it is to be presumed, that this 
 Saint had been advanced into the calendar from the propaga 
 tion of the Christian faith, as was St. Patrick, St. Andrew, and 
 others. And though, as to these old societies, with that of St. 
 George, St. David, &c. the duty of Evangelists may be excused, 
 the countries to which they belong being long since christian 
 ized; yet the native Americans which St. Tammany represents, 
 are whole nations of them infidels. The sons of St. Tammany 
 ought certainly to think a little of their brothers that are yet 
 in blindness, and lend a hand to bring them to light. It is not 
 understood, that even a talk has been held with a single nation 
 of our western tribes; though it could have cost but a few- 
 blankets and a keg of rum to bring them together, and in 
 council a little wampum and killikaneequr. 
 
 But our modern churches have not the zeal of the primitive; 
 or that zeal is directed to a different object, the building up the 
 faith at home, and that civil affairs more than spiritual doc 
 trines. It is not the time now to go about in " sheep-skins and 
 goat-skins," to convert the heathen to the gospel; but to beg the 
 citizens to vote for this or that candidate. The Cincinnati, being 
 a mere secular society, is excusable; but the St. societies would 
 seem, in this, to depart from the etymology of their denomina 
 tion. I know that some remark on the word Cincinnatus; and 
 think that it ought to be pronounced, as well as spelled, St. 
 Cincinnatus; and in that case all would be on a footing. I 
 have no objection, provided that it makes no schism; for even 
 the alteration of a name might make a schism. And a schism 
 
MODERN CHIVALRT. 105 
 
 in a society militant, such as this is, might occasion a war of 
 swords, and not of words only. I will acknowledge that I 
 would like to have the thing uniform, St. Cincinnatus with the 
 rest. So that, if it could be brought about without controversy, 
 it would contribute to the utility of designation. But contro 
 versy is, above all things, to be avoided. And nothing is more 
 apt to engender controversy than small matters; because small 
 matters are more easily lost than great. Or, because it vexes 
 a man more, to find his adversary boggle at a trifling matter o: 
 orthodoxy when he has swallowed the great articles of ere j 
 dence, than to have to pull him up, a cable's length, to some 
 broad notion, [that separates opinion and belief. To apply it to 
 the matter of spelling qid hceret in litera, hceret in cortice; that 
 is, to give it in English, it may depend upon a single letter 
 how to draw a cork. All consideration, therefore, ought to be 
 sacrificed to good humor and conviviality; and I would rather 
 let the heathen name remain, than Christian it at the expense 
 of harmony and concord. I am opposed to all force, or even 
 show of force, in matters of opinion, where men may honestly 
 differ. Let reason oppose, if wrong, and also ridicule, although 
 I admit that ridicule is not always a test of truth, for a buffoon 
 may use this weapon as well as the wise. But to return from 
 this digression, to the St. Tammany Society, of which I was 
 speaking, and which had some time ago convened. 
 
 It was a new thing to the Captain, to take a seat in the wig. 
 warn, and to smoke the calumet of peace. But he was disap 
 pointed in his expectations of seeing Indian manners and 
 customs introduced, and made a part of the ceremony. There 
 was some talk of brightening the chain, and burying the 
 hatchet; but he saw no war dance. What is more, even the 
 young warriors were destitute of the dress. There was not a 
 moccasin to be seen on the foot of any of them; not a breech- 
 clout; nor had they even the natural, or rather native brands 
 and marks of a true born Indian. No ear cut in ringlets; no 
 broach in the nose, or tatooing on the breast. All was as 
 smooth and undisfigured as the Anglo-Americans, that inhabit 
 our towns and villages. 
 
 The Grand Sachem made a speech to the Captain, not ia 
 
f 
 
 10G MODERN CHIVALRY. 
 
 Indian, but in German; which answered the end as well; for 
 he did not understand it. But it was interpreted, and related 
 to \hQ proposition of making him a Chief, which he declined, 
 professing that it was more his wish to remain a common Indi 
 an, than to be made even a half-king,* not having in view to 
 remain much in the nation, or attend the council fires a great 
 deal. He contented himself with putting some queries relative 
 to the history of St. Tammany; of what nation was he? Did 
 he belong to the North or the South? The East, or the West? 
 On what waters did he make his Camp? How many moons 
 ago did he live? Where did he hunt? Who converted him, 
 or whom did he convert? Why take an Indian for the tutelary 
 saint of the whites? Why not Columbus, or Cabot? Where 
 did his saintship originate? 
 
 To these queries the Chiefs could give no answer; nor is it 
 of much moment whether they could or not. Some of them 
 are not worth answering. 
 
 CHAPTER XX. 
 
 This chapter may 'be passed over by those who wish to keep the 
 thread of the narrative. 
 
 Among the Romans, there was one of their heathen deities, 
 whom they called Appollo, a being of very superior judgment, 
 and good sense, who often stood by people, and when they 
 were about to say, or do some foolish thing, he would give them 
 a twitch of the ear, to bid them stop 
 
 Aurura velluit 
 
 I cannot say that I felt such a twitch while I was writing the 
 last chapter ; unless figuratively ; meaning some little twitch 
 of the mind, recollecting, and reflecting, that it might possibly 
 give offence to public bodies and iocieties, especially the St. 
 Tammany, and Cincinatti; though none was intended. But it 
 
 * A half-king means double king, or king of two nations, who have 
 l)im split brtworn tlirm. 
 
MODERN CniVALRV. 10" 
 
 is impossible to anticipate in all cases, the sensations of 
 others. Things will give offence, that were ment to inform 
 and assist: or to please and divert. In the case of public bod 
 ies espcsially, no man knows, what may make an unfavorable 
 impression. It is necessary, or, unavoidable as it might bo 
 translated, "that offences come, Imt iro to Mm by wJiom they come" 
 One would think that in a free country, there might be some 
 little more moderation with regard to what is done and said. 
 It is a maxim in law, that words are to be construed, "mitior 
 sensu ;' 7 or in the milder sense. It is a scriptural definition of 
 charity, "that it is not easily provoked/' Whereas, on the 
 contrary, an uncharitable disposition is ready to misconstrue, 
 and convert to an offence. A town, a society, a public body, of 
 any kind might be presumed to bear more than an individual, 
 because, the offence being divided amongst a greater number; 
 it can be but a little, that will be at the expense of ary one per 
 son. If therefore, any son of St. Tammany, or Sfc. Cincinnatus, 
 should feel himself hurt by our lucubration, let him consider 
 that it is better to laugh than be angry ; and he will save him 
 self, if he begins to laugh first. Though, after all, some will 
 say, there is nothing to laugh at ; and in this, they will be right, 
 for at the most, it can only be a smile. It is a characteristic of 
 the comedy of Terence; that he never forces your laugh ; butto 
 smile only. That I take to be the criterion of a delicate and re 
 fined wit; and which was becoming the lepos, or humor of such 
 men, as Lelius and Scipio, who are thought to have formed his 
 taste, and assisted him in his dramatic compositions. Yet I 
 must confess, if I could reach it, I would like the broad laugh, 
 but it is difficult to effect this, and not at the same time fall into 
 buffoonery, and low humor. Laughing is certently favourable to 
 the lungs; and happy the man, whose imagination leads him to 
 risable sensations, rather than to melancholy. 
 
 All work, and no play, makes Jack a dull boy. But I have 
 no idea of laughing, any more than of playing, without having 
 performed the necessary task of duty, or labour. An idle laugh 
 ing fool, is contemptible and odious; and laughing too much is 
 an extreme which the wise will avoid. Take care not to laugh* 
 when there is nothing to laugh at. lean always know a man's 
 
108 MODERN CHIVALRY. 
 
 sense, by his song, his story, or his laugh. I will not say his 
 temper, or principles ; but certainly his share of understand 
 ing. 
 
 We have been often asked for a key to this work. Every 
 man of sense has the key in his own pocket. His own feelings* 
 his own experience is the key. It is astonishing, with what 
 avidity, we look for the application of satire which is general, 
 and never had a prototype. But the fact is, that, in this work, 
 the picture is taken from human nature, generally, and has no 
 individual in view. It was never meant as a satire upon men ; 
 but upon things. .An easy way, to slur sentiments, under the 
 guise of allegory; which could not otherwise make their way 
 to the ears of the curious. Can any man suppose, upon re 
 flection, that if ridicule was intended upon real persons it 
 would be conveyed in so bungling a manner that people would 
 be at a loss to know who was meant? That is not the way we 
 fix our fools caps. 
 
 Let any man put it to himself, and say, would he wish to be 
 of those that give pain by personal allusion, and abuse ? Self' 
 love, for a moment, may relish the stricture ; and could never 
 endure to be thought the author. In attacking reputation, there 
 are two things to be considered, the manner, and the object^ 
 When the object is praise-worthy, there is an openness, a frank 
 ness, and manliness of manner, which commands respect. But 
 even where tht object is a public good, the manner may excite 
 contempt. Let our editors cf news-papers look to this, those of 
 them who wish to be considered gentlemen ; such as have no 
 character to lose, and never wish to have any, may take all 
 liberties and occupy their own grade. 
 
 But, as we were saying, public bodies and societies of men 
 ought not to take offence easily, nor resent violently. "As 
 they are strong, be merciful." A single person is not on a 
 footing with a great number. He cannot withstand the whole, 
 if they should take offence without reason; and he may be 
 conscientiously scrupulous about fighting, or be afraid to fight; 
 which will answer the end just as well; or he may have the 
 good sense and fortitude to declare off; which, by the bye, 
 requires more courage than the bulk cf men possess. It 
 
MODERN CniV'ALRr. 109 
 
 requires a courage above all false opinion; and the custom 
 never will be put out of countenance, until some brave men 
 set the example. There is nothing that a wise man need fear, 
 but dishonor, founded on the charge of a want of virtue; on 
 that which all men, of all places and of all times will acknowl 
 edge to be disreputable. Under this head will not be found the 
 refusal of a challenge. Nothing can be great, the contempt of 
 which is great. Is it not great to despise prejudice and false 
 opinion? "He that ruleth his spirit is greater than he that 
 taketh a city:" but he that is above the false sentiments of 
 others, presents to me the image of a superior power, that 
 ascends through the vapors of the atmosphere, and dissipates 
 the fog. The world is indebted to the man that refuses a 
 challenge; but who can owe anything to him that accepts it? 
 for he sanctions an unjust law of public opinion, which it ia 
 the duty of every good citizen to oppose by the weight of his 
 influence. Doubtless, the accepting of a challenge is pardon 
 able as a weakness; but still it is a weakness. The man is a 
 hero who can withstand unjust opinion. It requires more 
 courage than to fight duels. To sustain life, under certain cir 
 cumstances, calls for more resolution than to eemmit suicide. 
 Yet suicide is not reputable. Brutus in the schools condemned 
 it; but at Philippi, adopted it; because his courage failed him. 
 
 But cudgelling follows the refusal of a challenge. Not if 
 there is instant notice given to a peace officer. But posting 
 follows. Notice of that may be given also, and a court and 
 jury brought to criticise upon the libel. 
 
 Why is it that a public body is more apt to take offence than 
 an individual? Because every one becomes of consequence, 
 in proportion as he is careful of the honor of the whole. It is 
 oftentimes a mere matter of accident, whether the thing is well 
 or ill]taken. If onejshould happen to call out, that it is an insult, 
 another is unwilling to question it, lest he should be suspested 
 of ineivicism,*and lose his standing in society in general, or in 
 that to which he more particularly belongs. The misconcep 
 tion of one forces itself upon another, and misconstruction 
 prevails. That which was the strongest proof of confidence in 
 the integrity and justice of the body, is viewed as distrust; and 
 
110 UODJB&3 CU1TALRT. 
 
 a concern for their honor considered a reproach. The most 
 respectful language termed insolence. Implicit submission 
 attributed to disrespect. Self-denial overlooked, and wanton 
 ness of insult substituted in its place. This, all the offspring 
 of mistake, which it is the duty of the individual to remove. 
 But how can he speak, if his head is off before he knows that 
 the offence is taken? Protesting, therefore, that I mean no 
 offence to either of these societies, or the individual members, 
 in anything I have said, I request them to take it in good part; 
 or, if there should seem to be ground of affront, they will give 
 me a hearing, and an opportunity to explain. 
 
 There is no anticipating absolutely, and to all extent, what 
 a person might say for himself if he was heard. That pre 
 sumption which existed might be removed. His motives might 
 appear laudable, or, at worst, originating in a pardonable 
 weakness. If therefore anything in these chapters should un 
 fortunately give umbrage to the sons of St. Tammany, or to 
 the Cincinnati members, I pray a citation, and demand a 
 tearing. I trust I shall be able to convince them that I am 
 not deficient in respect for them individually, or as public 
 bodies. 
 
 CHAPTER XXI. 
 
 Ilie meditations of the Captain on the subject of government. 
 The demagogue and the patriot the one flatters and the other 
 finds fault. 
 
 The Captain taking a solitary walk in a neighboring grove, 
 fell into a revery on the nature of government. And we shall 
 here use the privilege of authors, who are not only cognizant 
 of the actions but also of the thoughts of their heroes. A 
 union of mind and corporeal force, thought he. It makes all 
 the difference that we see between the savage and civilized 
 life. The plough, the pully, the anchor, and the potter's 
 wheel, are the offspring of government; the loom, the anvil, 
 and the press. For without the protection of government of 
 
MODERN CHIVALRY. 
 
 Ill 
 
 some kind, these would never be invented, at least, perfected. 
 Much of man's natural, or rather wild liberty, must be givea 
 up, when he becomes a member of society. There must be 
 a power somewhere to protect, and consequently to restrain. 
 But how difficult to link man with man; how difficult to pre 
 serve a free government! The easiest thing in the world, says 
 the clown, if the sage will only let it alone. It is the philoso 
 pher that ruins all. 
 
 There is some foundation for this. A mere philosopher is 
 but a fool in matters of business. Even in speculation, he 
 sometimes imagines nonsense. Sir Thomas More's Utopia has 
 become a model for no government. Locke's project was tried 
 in South Carolina; it was found wanting. Imagination and 
 experiment are distinct things; there is such a thing as prac 
 tical sense. Do we not see instances of this every day? Men 
 who can talk freely, but do nothing. They fail in everything 
 they attempt. There is too much vision mixed with the fact. 
 Want of information of what has been; the not examining the 
 fitness and congruity of things, leads to this. You see a 
 mechanic framing a machine. A chip less or more, spoils 
 the joint. 
 
 Where is the best account to be found of the Roman com 
 monwealth? In Polybius. In what did its excellence consist? 
 In its checks and balances. What invented these? The exig 
 encies of the case. Some were adopted in the first instance; 
 others as remedies to the mischiefs that occurred. Were th e 
 sages of any use here? A little. Sallust says, "considering 
 the history of the Roman people, that the Gauls were before 
 them in bravery, and the Greeks in eloquence: yet Rome 
 has become the mistress of the world; I have found that it has 
 been owing to a few great mon that happened to rise in it." 
 Were these men demagogues ? t Not in a bad sense of the word. 
 They did not deceive the people for their own ends. How do 
 demagogues deceive people? How do you catch a nag? You 
 hold a bridle in your left hand, behind your back, and a hat 
 in your right, as if there were something in it, and cry cope t 
 What do demagogues want by deceiving the people? To ride 
 them. What do they pretend they have IB the hat? Oats 
 salt, anything they fiad a horse likes. 
 
112 MODERN CHIVALRY 1 . 
 
 How do you distinguish the demagogue from the patriot 2 
 The demagogue flatters the clown, and finds fault with the 
 sage. The patriot and the sage, unless you mean the vain 
 philosopher, mean the same thing. The Jewish prophets were 
 all of them sages. They were seers, or men that saw far into 
 things. You will find they were no slouches at blaming the 
 people. "My people, Israel, is destroyed for lack of knowl 
 edge." "I am wounded in the house of my friends." This 
 may be said of liberty, when republicans give it a stab. The 
 Lamentations of Jeremiah are but the weepings of a patriot 
 over the errors of the people. Yet the people are always right, 
 say the demagogues. I doubt that. Tom fool may laugh at 
 the expression, "save the people from themselves;" neverthe 
 less, there is something in it. It is a scripture phrase, " go 
 not with a multitude to do evil ; " which would seem to imply 
 that the multitude will sometimes do wrong. 
 
 Do the multitude invent arts; or some individuals among 
 them? It is sometimes a matter of accident; sometimes a 
 matter of genius. But it is but one out of a thousand that 
 happens to hit upon it, or that has the invention to contrive. 
 But government is an easy matter, and has no wheels like a 
 watch. What is it that enables one man to see farther into 
 things than another, in matters of government ? What is it 
 that makes him a seer? Thinking, looking, examining. Does 
 it come by inspiration? More by experience. What are the 
 wheels in our government that are like to go first? The judici 
 ary, the senate, the executive; in short, the checks and balan 
 ces of the constitution. The most numerous branch of the 
 legislature, will then represent the mob, as objects are seen, 
 on a diminished scale, in the camera obs3ura. Where power 
 is in the hands of an aristocratic senate, like that of Venice, 
 it will soon fall into the hands of the few. That of Venice 
 was at first elective, then permanent, then power was confined 
 to a committee of ten, then of three persons, unknown and 
 irresponsible. In all cases there is an ultimate tendency of 
 power to steal away from the many to the few; it is to guard 
 against this that all our checks and balances are necessary. 
 Is the order indicated, that in which they will go? Precisely. 
 
MODERN CHIVALRY. 113 
 
 Does any man moan it? Not at all. How can it then happen? 
 In the natural progress of things. 
 
 But we have the press here. Suppose a leading print in the 
 hands of a patriot. He will keep all right. Yes, provided he 
 is a sage at the same time. That is, that his information on 
 the nature of government is equal to his patriotism; or that 
 his passion does not betray him into error. The Journal of 
 L'Ami du peuple, by Marat, was patriotic; but it ruined the 
 republic. An uninformed, inflammatory print is a corruptress 
 of public opinion. It is the torch that sets Troy on fire. 
 There is no Marat amongst us, at the head of a Journal; but 
 there may come to be. It is a difficult thing to trim the state 
 vessel. The altering the stowage will put it out of trim. 
 The Hancock was taken by altering the stowage. It de 
 stroyed the trim. Yet trimmers are unfavorably spoken of. 
 That is, I presume, halting between two opinions. "Why halt 
 ye between two opinions? " But preservers of the balance are 
 not trimmers in this sense of the word. 
 
 How is 4t that the public can do wrong when they mean 
 well? It is from want of knowledge; it is from the prevalence 
 of an uninformed spirit. Passion prevails, intemperance, party 
 spirit, which follows blindly. 
 
 CHAPTER XXII. 
 
 TJie annual Fair. Continued in a series of chapters. 
 
 THIS was the day of the Fair, held once a year in the village. 
 The people had come in and erected booths. The Captain 
 went forth to look about him and make observations. What 
 are these? said the Captain, stopping at the first stall he came 
 to, where a number of empty boxes were exhibited. 
 
 Cases for lawyers, said the Chapman. 
 
 What will lawyers do with these? said the Captain. 
 
 Put them on their hips, said the Chapman. 
 
 That will make them look like soldiers, with cartouch boxes. 
 
114 MODERN CHIVALRY. 
 
 No matter for that, said the Chapman. A lawyer can no 
 more move without cases, than a snail without a shell. 
 
 They have too many sometimes, said the Captain, as I have 
 heard the blind liwyer say; but your cases, or cartouch boxes, 
 I presume, are meant as a burlesque. 
 
 Not altogether so, said the Chapman, but a little bordering 
 on it. These boxes might answer the purposes of carrying 
 cases to the court; but an honest man might put them to a 
 better use. So I say no more, but sell my wares to the cus 
 tomer. 
 
 At the next stall was Tom the Tinker, with old kettles 
 mended, and new ones for sale. 
 
 Ay, Tom, said the Captain, this is better than resisting the 
 laws, * even the Excise law. 
 
 I have found out a better way than resisting laws now, said 
 the Tinker. 
 
 What is that? said the Captain. 
 
 Abolish the courts, and demolish the judges, and the laws 
 will go of themselves. 
 
 Ah ! Tom, said the Captain, leave the public functionaries 
 to the public bodies; you have nothing to do with them. 
 
 But I should have something to do with them, said the Tin 
 ker, if I had a voice in a public body. 
 
 But you have not a voice, said the Captain. 
 
 But 1 may have, said the Tinker. 
 
 I would rather hear your voice in your shop, said the Cap 
 tain; and the sound of your hammer on a coffee pot or a tea 
 kettle. You can patch a brass candle-stick better than the 
 state, yet, I take it, Tom. 
 
 Aye, said Tom, that's the way you aristocrats treat the poor 
 man. Was it not the poor man that fought our battles, and 
 Washington and a few more got all the credit? 
 
 It is true they fought, and fought bravely, Tom, and should 
 have their full reward. But what is a body of men in arms, 
 without leaders? and what could any army do without generals ? 
 Do you think, Tom, there were many in the ranks, who could 
 
 *Tom the Tinker was the name of the ideal leader of the in 
 surrection. 
 
MODERN CHIVALRY. 115 
 
 take the place of Washington? or even of Wayne, or Green, 
 or Morgan? 
 
 But, said Tom, is it not the poor men that labor, and make 
 all the money, while the rich men get it? 
 
 And what is to hinder you from making and saving, and 
 getting rich, in the course of time? When you labor for the 
 rich as well as for the poor, are you not paid for it? Do not 
 the laws equally protect you in the pursuit of wealth? Let 
 those reap and garner that have sown, Tom, or whose fathers 
 have done so for them. You wish to reap and garner where 
 you have not sown, and is that right? 
 
 At the next stall was a hard-ware man. In the next a pot 
 ter with his jugs. Anacharsis, according to Diogenes Laertius, 
 invented the anchor and the potter's wheel. He was a more 
 useful man than him that invented fire-arms; though it is a 
 question with some, whether gunpowder has not rendered war 
 less sanguinary. 
 
 A toyman had his stall next. As the Captain was looking 
 at his baubles, an accident happened on the other side of the 
 way. At a short turn, a cart had overseet. It was light, and 
 loaded with empty kegs. Nevertheless the driver wanted help 
 to lift it up. 
 
 The Chapman, the Toyman, the Potter, the Hardware man 
 and Tom the Tinker, were endeavoring to assist. The Tinker 
 and the Hardware man had set their shoulders to the cart. 
 They hove it up; but by too violent a push threw it to the other 
 side. The Chapman and Toyman thought to set the matter 
 right, and in the adverse direction, appliedj.heir force, being 
 on the other side of the cart; and to do them justice, gave a 
 good hoist, but overdid the matter as much as was done before; 
 for the cart came back and lay prostrate in tho same direction 
 as at first. 
 
 The driver, in the meantime, was dissatisfied. Gentlemen, 
 said he, do you mean to assist or to ruin me ? It may be sport 
 to you; but it is a loss to me to have my cart broke and my 
 kegs staved. 
 
 It is all wrong, said the Captain. Why not let the thing 
 stand upon the horizontal? None of your tricks upon travel- 
 
116 MODERN CHIVALRY. 
 
 lrs. Let the poor man's cart have fair play, and stand upon its 
 own bottom. 
 
 Aye, aye, said a misanthrope, this comes of bad doings. 
 You must be going to the woods and disturbing innocent for 
 ests; cutting down young trees, making staves and hooping 
 kegs. This is just the way they make laws, to hoop people aa 
 you would a barrel. You talk of liberty, of free government, 
 of free couutry; and we see and feel only restraint and op 
 pression, which is the same thing. Free government, indeed! 
 As if restraint on the exercise of a man's natural rights were 
 not the reverse of freedom. The birds of the air are free; the 
 wild beasts are free; while man, to whom was given dominion 
 over all by the Creator, is a slave! Away with your free gov 
 ernment! 
 
 Ah ! it is in this manner, said a moral-drawing man, that 
 people overturn the state. If the vehicle goes to the one side, 
 it is the act of a patriot to set it right. But unskilful persons 
 pass the line of gravity; so that as much mischief arises from 
 too much force as too little. Passing the line of gravitation 
 in erecting a body, is like wounding a principle of the Consti 
 tution. All errors of expediency may be amended; but the 
 violations of principle are vital, and terminate in death. 
 
 Put that fellow in the pulpit, and he could preach, said a 
 bye-stander; do you hear what a sermon he makes upon a cart? 
 He could take a text Nebuchadnezzar, or Zerubabel and 
 lengthen out a discourse for a fortnight. 
 
 In the meantime, the Captain was almost carried off his feet 
 by a crowd of people going to see the learned pig. 
 
 Has he the tongues? said Angus Sutherland, a Scotchman. 
 
 He has two, said John Gilpin, a wag. 
 
 The Hebrew and the Erse, I trow, said the Scotchman. 
 
 No; the squeel and the gruntle, I ween, said the drolling 
 person. . 
 
 That is his vernacular, said the Scotchman; but I mean his 
 acquired languages. 
 
 I do not know that he has acquired any, said Gilpin; but he 
 is considerably perfected in those he had before. 
 
 Weel, that is something, said Angus: bnt he has gofc a smack 
 
MODERN CHIVALRY". 117 
 
 A little of algebra, said the wag; the plus and minus he 
 understands pretty well. 
 
 The conversation was interrupted by the vociferation of a 
 man in soliloquy, at a distance. He appeared to be in great 
 agitation; clenching his fists, and striking them against each 
 other. An infamous, diabolical slander, said he; I a scholar 1 
 I a learned man ! it is a falsehood. See me reading ! He never 
 saw me read. I do not know a B from a bull's foot. But this 
 is the way to injure a man in his election. They report of me 
 that I am a scholar! It is a malicious fabrication. I can 
 prove it false. It is a rascally electioneering lie. What a 
 wicked world is this in which we live! I a scholar! I am. a 
 eon of a female dog, if I ever opened a book in my life. I 
 the calumny, the malice of the report. All to destroy my 
 election. 
 
 Were you not seen carrying books? said a neighbor. 
 
 Aye, said the distressed man; two books that a student had 
 borrowed from a clergyman. But did I look into them? Did 
 any man see me open the books? I will take my Bible oath 
 I never looked into them. I am innocent of letters as the 
 child unborn. I am as ignorant as an ass. I am an illiterate 
 man, God be praised, and free from the sin of learning, or any 
 wicked art, as I hope to be saved; but here a report is raised 
 up, that I have dealings in books that I can read. 0! the 
 wickedness of this world! Is there no protection from slander 
 and bad report? Gjd help me! Here I am, an honest 
 democrat; a good citizen, who hates learning as the ruin f 
 democracy; and yet it is reported of me, that I read books. 
 01 tl^e tongues of men! Who can stop reproach! I am ruined; 
 I am undone; I shall lose my election, and the good- will of all 
 my neighbors, and the confidence of posterity. It is a dread 
 ful thing that all the discretion of a man cannot save him from 
 evil-speaking and defamation.* 
 
 *It is not long since a member of Congress, from the State of 
 Indiana, in his place, declared his hatred to schools, colleges, and 
 learning; and boasted of his ignorance! His name was Savage 
 the same who retired to the lobb to raake bis dinner on bi'ead and 
 
118 MODERN CHIYALRY. 
 
 It is a strange contrast, thought the Captain, that we admire 
 learning in a pig, and undervalue it in a man. The time was 
 when learning would save a man's neck, but now it endangers 
 it. The neck verse is reversed, that is, the effect of it- For 
 the man that can read goes to the wall, not he that is ignorant. 
 But such are the revolutions of opinion. I should not be 
 surprised if men went back to tails and hoofs, as well as to 
 the acorn. 
 
 Of all things in the world, said a speculative philosopher, I 
 should the least expect science in a pig; though the swinish 
 multitude are not without good moral qualities, or the sem 
 blance of these, by propensitive instinct. The herd of deer 
 avoid or beat off the chased or wounded companion; but attack 
 a hog in a gang, and^the bristles of all are up to make battle. 
 There is an esprit du corps, or a principle of self-preservation, 
 which proves that the hogs are sensible animals. They do not 
 wait until they are taken off, one by one, but make a common 
 cause in the first instance. When the twenty-one deputies in 
 the national assembly of France, were marched in a body to 
 the guillotine, with the eloquent Verngnaud leading the way, 
 and all singing the Marseilles Hymn, until the last head fell 
 into the basket, there were, no doubt, a great number that saw 
 the atrocity, but not the consequence. They were willing that 
 the bolt should pass by themselves, and were silent. But those 
 that followed soon felt the case to be their own, though they 
 did not make it so at first. The hogs have more sense, or 
 nature is more faithful than reason. A sailor on board a ship 
 may not like his comrades; but if they are charged with mu 
 tiny wrongfully, he is interested, and will see to it if he is wise. 
 It concerns him that they be dealt with fairly, for injustice to 
 them leads to injustice to himself. A third mate may dislike 
 the first, or second, or the captain himself, and have no objec 
 tion to change them; but the mistake or injustice of owners 
 towards these affects himself. If one goes at this turn, another 
 may go at the next; until all fall to unjust accusation. If th e 
 independence and safety of command is affected, all officers 
 suffer, and the service is injured. The picking off one at a 
 time is politic in those that assail, but fatal to those that are 
 
MODERN CHIVALRY. 119 
 
 assailed. Polyphemus devoured but one of the soldiers of 
 Ulysses in a day. So that it does not follow, that hog likes 
 hog, more than sheep likes sheep; or that bristle is champion 
 for bristle, when ho comes to take his part; but that the law 
 of self-preservation is better understood, or felt, by this animal. 
 But as to teaching a pig anything like human knowledge, 
 though not a new thing, would seem to be of little use. Crows 
 were taught to speak, in the time of Augustus Caesar, as we 
 find from the story of the cobler and his crows. The poet 
 Virgil talks of cattle speaking : 
 
 Pecudesque locutee. 
 
 Says the Spanish proverb 
 
 "Hablo el buey, y dixo mu " 
 
 But this was a prodigy. Learning must go somewhere, as a 
 river that sinks in one place rises in another. If erudition is 
 lost with men, it is well to find it with pigs. The extraordina- 
 ries are always pleasing. The intermediate grades of eloquence, 
 from a Curran to a parrot, are not worth marking. 
 A little learning is a dangerous thing: 
 Drink deep, or taste not the Pierean spring 
 If a man cannot be a Polyglotist, he may as well be a goose. 
 It was at a time things took this turn, that Balaam's ass spoke. 
 There was a darkness all over Europe, for six or ten centuries, 
 and little knowledge of the scientific kind to be found with 
 man, fish, fowl or beast. A glare of light sprung up, and has 
 prevailed awhile. Men of science have been in repute in 
 monarchies, and in some republics; or at least science itself 
 has had some quarter. But it is nowjscouted and run down. 
 The mild shade of evening, the crepusculum approaches. A 
 twilight that the weakest eye can sustain. The bats will be out 
 now. The owl can see as well the cat. If there is less light, 
 there is more equality of vision; which may be for the best. 
 Let us have equality equality; all things alike all things 
 equal. Then there will be no envy, no avarice, no ambition; 
 no wealth or poverty, no strength or weakness. Then will 
 society be perfect, and men be like the angels. The golden 
 age shall then be come again, when men and women shall go 
 under trees, and feed upon ac^rr" ntxd roots! 
 
120 MODERN CHIVALRY. 
 
 That fellow could preach too, said a by-stander, and give 
 him a text. What a speech he has made upon a shoat! 
 
 Bat looking up, they saw a man actually preaching, or 
 something like it, in a tavern door, with a newspaper in hia 
 hand. It was on the subject of economies. For now all is 
 economy. Not making, but saving. This discourse was a 
 lecture on the subtraction of aliment, and the making water go 
 farther by boiling it. Saving the scales of fish, and the stem 
 beaten out of flax; curtailing wages, and doing less work; all 
 things by the minimum; he would have all microscopes, no 
 telescopes; minutiae, minutiae, minutiae; nothing great, com 
 prehensive or magnificent in his projects. Themistocles knew 
 how to make a great state out of a small commonwealth. But 
 was it by saving, or by gaining that he did it? Was the sweep 
 of his mind contracted, or extensive ? Had the Czar of Mus 
 covy a great heart? Did he reduce mountains by particles, or 
 employ his mind upon hen-coops? These were questions the 
 economist answered in the affirmative. But some doubted the 
 orthodoxy of the doctrine, and left the congregation. 
 
 In a public house was heard the music of a fiddle and a bag 
 pipe. It was Duncan, the quondam waiter of the Captain, who 
 had made a match of the bag-pipe against the violin. Play 
 up, said Duncan to the piper; now "the Coming o' the Cam- 
 rons;' ; now "the Reels o' Bogie." Piay up; I could dance 
 amaist involuntarily, as I were bit by the tarantula. 
 
 Martin, the Latin master was of the company, and encour 
 aged the contest, by the application of classic phrases, such as, 
 
 Et vitula tu digmis, et hie 
 
 Boni quoiiiam conveuirnus ambo. 
 
 Tale tuum carmen, divine poeta. 
 
 But more noise, though perhaps less music, was heard out 
 of doors, coming down the street. A crowd of people, boys 
 and grown persons, were following O'Dell, the revolutionist. 
 For Ca Ira, or the Marseilles hymn, he bawled out the follow 
 ing 
 
 Down with the sessions, and down with the laws; 
 They put me in mind of the schoolmaster's taws. 
 
MODERN CHIVALRF. 121 
 
 There's nothing ill nature that gives such disgust 
 As force and compulsion so make a man just. 
 
 Hillelu, Billelu, set me down aisy, 
 
 Hillelu, Billelu, &c. 
 
 A lawyer's a liar, old sooty his father; 
 He talks all day long, a mere jack-a-blather; 
 His books and his papers may all go to hell, 
 And make speeches there, sings Larry O'Dell. 
 Hillelu, &c. 
 
 The state is a vessel, and hooped like a tub, 
 And the adze of the cooper goes dub-a-dub. 
 But hooping and coopering is fitting for fools; 
 Away with all learning, and shut up the schools. 
 Hillelu, &c. 
 
 A horse eats the less when you cut off his tail, 
 And chickens hatch faster the thinner the shell; 
 A clerk in an office might do two things in one, 
 Hatch eggs while he sits, and writes all alone. 
 Hillelu, &_\ 
 
 The song may be good as to music, said the Captain; but I 
 do not like the sentiments, especially the concluding couplet. 
 It seems to me, that economy has become parsimony; the 
 opposite extreme of prodigality or extravagance. The one is 
 odious, the other contemptible. All tax, or no tax. There is 
 no medium. But no tax and economy, will as certainly de 
 stroy an administration, as all tax and extravagance. The 
 meanness of starving officers, establishments, improvements, 
 will attach disreputation to the agents. But in all things 
 there is a tendency to extremes. The popular mind does not 
 easily arrest itself when descending upon an inclined plane of 
 opinion. Popular ballads are an index of the public mind. 
 Hence we see that an antipathy to laws, lawyers and judges, 
 is the ton at present, and also that economy is the ruling pas 
 sion of the time. Yet in all things there may be an excess. 
 For the people are not always right. Unless in the technical, 
 or rather, limited sense of the English law, that "the king 
 can do no wrong." Doubtless, whatever the people do is 
 
123 MODERN CHirALRT. 
 
 legally right; but yet not always politically or morally right. 
 For do we not find from the voice of history, that those men 
 are thought to have deserved best of their country, who have 
 occasionally withstood the intemperance of opinion: Self- 
 seekers only "are all things to all men." Three things are 
 necessary to constitute a great man; judgment, fortitude and 
 self-denial. It id a great thing to judge wisely. Perhaps this 
 may be said to comprehend the whole. For judging wisely, 
 upon a large scale, will embrace fortitude and self-denial. 
 Hence, in the Scripture phrase, bad men are called fools. It 
 is but cutting down the fruit tree, to hark in with the popular 
 cry for the moment. All is gained for the present, but there 
 is nothing for the next year. Such a man may get into a pub 
 lic body, but will not long retain his seat; or if he does, he 
 loses all, in the esteem of the virtuous and the wise- But I 
 doubt whether the people are so mad for economy. It origi 
 nates with those who are conscious to themselves that they 
 cannot please them by great actions, and therefore attempt it 
 by small. The extreme has been of unnecessary expenditure, 
 (and it is right that this should be vigilantly guarded against;) 
 and it is popular to cry out economy, which the people-pleaser 
 gets into his mouth and makes the shiboleth of just politics. 
 But the people-pleaser is not always the friend of the people. 
 Do we find him in war the best general who consults the ardor 
 of his troops, wholly, and fights when they cry out for battle ? 
 Pompey yielded to such an outcry, and lost the field of Phar- 
 salia. A journal was published in France, by Marat, under 
 the direction, or with the assistance of Robespierre, entitled 
 "I/ Ami du peuple." There could not be a more seducing 
 title; and yet this very journal was the foe of the people. I 
 will not undertake to say that even Marat meant well to the 
 people; but he had not an understanding above the public, 
 and judgment to correct the errors of occasional opinion. He 
 was of the multitude himself, and did not overtop them by 
 having higher ground from whence to observe. He had not 
 been a sage before he became a journalist. Hence he de 
 nounced the Girondists, the philosophers of the republic, 
 Condorcet and others who had laid the foundation of the 
 
MODERN CHIfALRT. 123 
 
 revolution. He denounced them because they suggested a 
 confederate republic, such as Montesquieu projected and 
 America has realized. Marat took up with the simple, the one 
 and indivisible; the populace understood this, but not the 
 complication, and it prevailed; but the republic went down. 
 The one and indivisible prevailed; concentration monarchy 
 was the consequence and always will be. 
 
 CHAPTER XXIII. 
 
 The despot is the spectre which rises fram the marsh of licen 
 tiousness. It was the Jacobins who made the Emperor. 
 
 I NEVER had a doubt, with the Captain, but that the bulk of 
 the Jacobins in France meant well; even Marat and Robes 
 pierre considered themselves as denouncing and trucidating 
 only the enemies of the republic. What a delightful trait of 
 virtue discovers itself in the behavior of Peregrine, the brother 
 of Robespierre, and proves that he thought his brother inno 
 cent: "I am innocent, and my brother is as innocent as I am." 
 Possibly they were both innocent. Innocent of what? AVhy, 
 of meaning ill. "The time shall come, when they that kill you 
 shall think they are doing God a service-" Peregrine led the 
 column, with his drawn sword in his hand, that entered and 
 re-took Toulon. He threw himself into the denunciation. 
 This ought to be a lesson to all republicans to have charity for 
 those that differ in opinion. Tiberius, and Caius Gracchus, at 
 Rome, meant well; Agis and Cleomenes of Sparta, the same; 
 but they attempted a reform, well in vision and imagination t 
 but beyond what was practicable, or expedient. Instead of 
 improving the condition of things, their efforts only made it 
 worse. They fell victims to the not distinguishing the times; 
 the advanced state of society, which did not comport with the 
 original simplicity of institutions, or no institutions. 
 
 Marat, the journalist, and Robespierre, were pushed gradu 
 ally to blood, by the principle which governed them, of taking 
 it for granted, that all who thought differently upon a subject 
 
s 
 124 MODERN C1I1YALRY. 
 
 were traitors; and that a majority of votes was the criterion 
 of being right, instead of being only presumptive evidence as 
 the lawyers say. Ah! the majority! In a monarchy, the name 
 of the king is a tower of strength; in a republic, the majority 
 is the magic word of power; and would to heaven it were 
 always right! The Mountain, the bulk of the national Assem 
 bly, could not but be, in their opinion, infallible. The eternal 
 mountain, at whose foot every one was disposed to place him 
 self; the mountain on whose top were "thunders and light 
 nings, and a thick cloud;" but not a natural mountain of 
 the earth, collecting refreshing showers, and from which 
 descended streams. It was a mountain pregnant with subter 
 ranean fire. It bursts, and exists a volcano to this day. So 
 much for the majority of a public body being always right; 
 and so much for a journalist meaning well, and yet destroying 
 the republic. It is a truth in nature, and a maxim in philoso 
 phy, that "from whence our greatest good springs, our great 
 est evils arise." A journalist of spirit is a desideratum in a 
 revolution. But when the new island or continent, is thrown 
 up from the bottom of the ocean, and the subterranean gas 
 dissipated, why seek for a convulsion ? but rather leave nature 
 to renew herself with forest, andj ? rivers, and perennial 
 springs. But that activity which was useful in the first effort, 
 is unwilling to be checked in the further employment; and 
 under the idea of a progressing reform,* turns upon the estab 
 lishment it has produced, and intending good; does harm. The 
 men are penounccd that mean as well as the journalist, and 
 perhaps understand the came better than himself, though they 
 differ in judgment on the move. In a revolution, every man 
 thinks he has done all. He knows only, or chiefly, what he 
 has done himself Hence he is intolerant of the opinions of 
 others, because he iu ignorant of the services which are a 
 proof of patriotism, and of the interest which is a pledge of 
 fidelity. Fresh hands, especially, are apt to overdo the mat 
 ter, as I have seen at the building of a cabin in the western 
 country. A strong man takes hold of a log, and he lifts faster 
 
 'The modern progressive democracy." 
 
MODERX CHIVALRY. 
 
 than the other. From the unskilfulness and inequality of his 
 exertions accidents happen. Prudent people do not like rash 
 hands. States have been best built up by the wise as well 
 as the honest. 
 
 There are men that we dislike, in office. All men approved 
 Marius, says the historian Sallust, when he began to proscribe, 
 now and then, a bad man; but they did not foresee what soon 
 happened; that he did not stop short, but went on to proscribe 
 the good. It is better to bear an individual mischief than a 
 public inconvenience, 'this is a maxim of the common law. 
 That is, it is better to endure an evil in a particular case, than 
 to violate a general law. There ought to be constitutional 
 ground, and a just cause to remove the obnoxious. It will not 
 do even in Ireland, to hang a man for stealing cloth, because 
 he is a bad weaver. 
 
 Where parties exist in a'republic, that party will predominate 
 eventually, which pursues justice. A democratic party will 
 find its only security in this. " If these things are done in the 
 green\tree, what shall be done in the dry?" If democracy is 
 not just, what shall we expect from the aristocracy, where the 
 pride of purse and pride of family, raises the head, swells the 
 port, produces the strut, and all the undervaluing which the 
 few have for the many? Aristocracy, which claims by heredi 
 tary right, the honors and emoluments of the commonwealth! 
 And can we expect anything better, when all power is concen 
 trated in the hands of one, that one surrounded by sycophants 
 and dependants, the slaves of the despot, and the tyrants of 
 the people ? Who does not dislike the presumption of the 
 purse-proud, and the pride of connections? And it is for that 
 reason that I wish my fellow democrats, " my brethren accord 
 ing to the flesh," to do right; to show their majesty, the nobil 
 ity of their nature, by their discrimination and their sense of 
 justice. For I am a democrat, if having no cousin and no 
 funds, and only relying on my personal services, can make me 
 one. And I believe this is a pretty good pledge for democracy 
 in any man. Unless, indeed, he should becomes a tool to those 
 that have cousins and funds; and this he will not do if he has 
 gelf-respeet. He might be made a despot; but this can only b0 
 
12$ 
 
 MODERN CITIVAT.KY. 
 
 by the people destroying the essence of liberty, by'pushing it to 
 licentiousness. The despot is a spectre, which rises chiefly from 
 the marsh of licentiousness. It was the Jacobins made 
 parte what he now is Emperor of the French. 
 
 CHAPTER XXIV. 
 
 In which is related the case of the lawyer who was lynched for 
 making long speeches. 
 
 The Captain's attention was suddenly arrested by the ap 
 proach of a mob, hurrying along with a lawyer, in whose 
 mouth they had placed a gag. The knob in his mouth was 
 rather long, and the poor man seemed to be in pain by the 
 extension of his jaws. lie could not speak, which was a great 
 privation, it being his daily employment, and the labor of hia 
 yocation. For the people thought he spoke too much, or at 
 least was tedious in his speeches, and took up the time of the 
 court and juries unnecessarily. But this was a new way of 
 correcting amplification in an orator. It is true that things 
 strike more than words, and the soldier in a Roman assembly, 
 who held up the stump of his arm, lost in battle, pleaded more 
 effectually for his brother, the accused, than all the powers of 
 eloquence. But it is a wicked thing, and entirely a la mob, 
 to stretch the jaws so immeasurably. But the people will have 
 their way; when they get a thing into their heads, there is no 
 stopping them, especially on a Fair day, such as this was. It is 
 true the thing was illegal, and he could have his action; but they 
 took their chance of that, and in the meantime lynch law was 
 proclaimed, and some were glad that its sanctions were not 
 more serious; others shook their heads, and thought that such 
 fruits on the tree of liberty, bore a very close resemblance to 
 those of the tree of despotism. The people do not reflect, that 
 insecurity of .one, is the insecurity of all,'thought the Captain. 
 The fact is, the tedioueness of lawyers, in their harrangues, 
 in beyond bearing; and it is enough to drive the peopjo to 
 
MODERN CHIVALRY. 127 
 
 adjustment bills, and anything, to get quit of them. The opener 
 of a cause must lead you into the whole transaction, instead of 
 leaving it to the evidence to do it. He must give you a view 
 of the whole scope of his cause. This might be in a few 
 words. But he wants to make a speech, a strong impression 
 at the first. He must tell you how he means to draw up his 
 evidence; how to fight his men. I should not like my adver 
 sary to know this; I would not tell the court, lest he should 
 hear it. What would we think of a general who should mount 
 the rostrum, in the presence of the enemy, and explain the 
 order of his battle ? I love the art of managing a cause for 
 its own sake, and I like to see it professionally won. The less 
 speaking, almost always, the better for a cause. Tbere is su^h 
 a thing as "darkening counsel by words without knowledge." 
 Atticism is favorable to perception in the hearer. We do not 
 carry wheat to be ground before it is sifted of the chaff. Yet 
 there may be an error on the other side. The declination to 
 brevity may be too great. I am afraid to say much on this 
 head, lest I should seem to undervalue eloquence, and check it 
 alogether. But certain it is, that the excess is on the side of 
 quantity, in speaking at the bar at present. The juries feel it, 
 and twist and. turn themselves into all shapes, to avoid It. 
 The courts feel it, and on many occasions groan for deliver 
 ance. So that it is not so much a matter of wonder that it 
 should have caused a fury among the multitud e. They took the 
 only mode they could contrive, to give vent to their displeasure. 
 Lynching, biting, goring, kicking, burning, tearing down, are 
 what may be called instinctive modes of manifesting great 
 disatisfaction and rage, at least where the animal predominates 
 over the rational nature. A kind of wild justice. Some of 
 our best garden plants are poisonous in a state of nature. 
 Yet even this wild justice, may be better than none at all; it 
 may be produced by the principle of self-preservation. 
 
 In the meantime, the blind lawyer being at hand, delivering 
 a lecture, had heard of the tribulation of his brother, the 
 gagged lawyer; and for the honor of the profession, stretching 
 out his hands to the people, had obtained his enlargement, 
 and the removal of the peg. But it was said, this would be a 
 
128 MODERN CHIVALRY. 
 
 warning to the advocate to shorten his speeches for the future. 
 The branks which had been upon his head, that is the woodya 
 which had tied the knob, were laid aside for another occasion. 
 
 CHAPTER XXV. 
 
 An inquest is held on a man suspected of being insane. His 
 defence, and the verdict of the jury, 
 
 THE affair of the lawyer was just over, when the Captain's 
 attention was attracted in another direction, where there was 
 an assemblage holding an inquest on a man alleged tojbe insane. 
 It was now the right of the accused to be heard in his defence. 
 
 THE MADMAN'S DEFENCE. 
 
 Gentlemen of the Jury 
 
 It is an awkward situation in which you see me placed: to 
 be obliged to maintain that I am in my right might mind, and 
 not out of my senses. For even if I speak sense, you may 
 attribute it to a lucid interval. It is not a difficult matter to 
 fix an imputation on a man. It is only to follow it up, "line 
 upon line, precept upon precept, here a little and there a 
 little." There is nothing but a man's own life and course of 
 conduct, that can rebut the calumny. It is therefore in vain 
 to answer in the gazettes, or to go out into the streets and call 
 out falsehood. The more pains you take to defend yourself, 
 the more it is fixed upon you. For the bulk of mankind are 
 on the side of the calumniator, and would rather have a thing 
 true than false. I believe there would be no better way, than 
 for a man to join in and slander himself, until the weight of 
 obloquy became so great, that the public would revolt, and 
 from believing all, believe nothing. I have known this tried 
 with success. But how can one rebut the imputation of mad 
 ness? How disprove insanity? The highest excellence of 
 understanding and madness, like the two ends of a right line 
 turned to a circle, are said to come together. 
 
MODERX CHIVALRY. 
 
 Nullam magnum ingenium sine mensura dementiaB. 
 Great wit to madness sure is near allied. 
 
 Hence you will infer that I may appear rational, and quick 
 of perception, and even just in judgment for a time, and yet 
 be of a deranged intellect. What can I tell you but that it ia 
 the malice of my enemies, that have devised this reproach, in 
 order to hinder my advancement in state afiairs ? It is true 
 there are some things in my habit and manner that may have 
 given color to the charge singularities. But a man of study 
 and abstract thought, will have singularities. Henry Field 
 ing's Parson Adams, and Doctor Orkborn, in Mrs. D'Arbray's 
 Camilla, are examples of this. A man of books will be ab 
 stract, or absent in converseation; sometimes in business. 
 
 A man of books! said the foreman of the jury, a scholar! 
 Ah ! you are a scholar, are you? Ah, ha! that is enough; we 
 want no more. If you are not a madman, you must be a 
 knave, and that comes to the same thing. Say, gentlemen, 
 shall we find him guilty? What say you, is he mad? 
 
 1st Juryman. He seems to be a little cracked. 
 
 2d. He does not appear to be right in his head. 
 
 3d. I cannot think him in his right mind. 
 
 4th. He is beside himself. 
 
 5th, Crazy. r 
 
 Cth. out of his reason. 
 
 7th. Deranged. 
 
 8th. Insane. 
 
 9th. Mad. 
 
 10th. Stark mad. 
 
 llth. As mad as a March hare. 
 
 12th. Fit for Bedlam. 
 
 Verdict Lunacy. 
 
 The court to whom the inquisition was returned, thought it 
 a hard case, as there was no other evidence than his own con 
 fession of being addicted to books, and gave leave to move an 
 arrest of judgment, and ordered him before themselves for 
 examination. 
 
 You are a man of books 
 
 A little so. 
 
130 
 
 MODERN CHIVALRY. 
 
 What books have you read? 
 
 History, divinity. 
 
 What is the characteristic of history? 
 
 Fiction . 
 
 Of novels? 
 
 Truth. 
 
 Of metaphysics?* 
 
 Imagination. 
 
 Of natural philosophy? 
 
 Doubt. 
 
 What is the best lesson in moral philosphy ? 
 
 To expect no gratitude. 
 
 What is the best qualification of a politician? 
 
 Honesty. 
 
 The next best? 
 
 Knowledge. 
 
 The next best? 
 
 Fortitude. 
 
 Who serves the people best? 
 
 Not always him that pleases them most. 
 
 It seems to the court, said the Chief Justice, that the man 
 is not altogether mad. He appears rational in some of his 
 answers. We shall advise upon- it. 
 
 The madman being out upon bail, walked about seemingly 
 disconsolate, and fell in with a philanthropic person, who en 
 deavored to console him. 
 
 You may think yourself fortunate, said he, that the charge 
 had not been that you were dead. You might have been tum 
 bled into a coffin and buried, before you were aware. When 
 a public clamor is once raised, there is no resisting it. People 
 
 * It has been called the science or theory of the mind. It is but in 
 idea, and is founded in fancy or imagination. There is no end to 
 such theories as those of Locke, Smith, Stewart, Reid. &c. Among 
 the best of these imaginative writers, we may rank Gerard on genius 
 and on taste; Burke on the sublime and beautiful. The phrenolo 
 gists have placed the science on a more solid foundation; at least, 
 they have supercooled the mataphysica], and may jn time be super 
 seded by snnirtljing rlso. 
 
MODERN CHIVALRY. 
 
 ttl 
 
 will have the thing to be so, lest there should be no news. For 
 the stagnation of intelligence is equal to the [want of breath. 
 I will venture to say, that in three days I could have it be 
 lieved that the soul had gone out of your body, and that you 
 were a walking mummy. It is only to insist upon it and 
 spread it, and a part will be credited at first, and finally the 
 whole. Thank fortune that you are on your feet upon the 
 earth. You are not the first that have been buried alive. 
 On opening a coffin; the corpse has been found turned upon its 
 face. In a tomb, it has been found out of the coffin, and lying 
 where it had wandered, thinking to get out. 
 
 Good heavens! said the madman, this is enough to turn 
 one's brain indeed. I begin to feel my head swimming. Is it 
 possible that, without the least foundation, such a proposition 
 should come to be believed? 
 
 Believed! ay; and people would be found to swear to it. 
 You have no conception from how small beginnings great 
 things arise. 
 
 Ingrediturque solo, et caput inter nubilia condit. 
 
 You have seen a wood-pecker. It is astonishing how large a 
 hole it makes with so small a beak. It is owing to successive 
 impressions. Since common fame has begun with you, it is 
 lucky it has taken that turn, and made you only mad. 
 
 If that is the case, said the man of books, I ought to be 
 reconciled. It might have been worse. 
 
 There has certainly been a great deal of vain learning in 
 the world, thought the Captain, and good natural sense has 
 been undervalued. " Too much learning may make a man 
 mad." It may give him a pride and vanity that unfits for the 
 transaction of practical affairs. I would rather have a sober, 
 sedate man of common sense, in public councils, than a visi 
 onary sciolist, just from the academies, or whose head is filled 
 with idle dreams or theories engendered in the closet. But 
 solid science is ornamental, as well as useful, in a government. 
 It is of great importance in agriculture, and in the medical 
 art. Literary acquirements may be undervalued. A man 
 may not be a scholar himself, but he may have a son that 
 
132 MODERN CHIVALRY. 
 
 " The child that is unborn may rue'' 
 
 a check given to the love of letters. The offspring of a plain 
 farmer may be a philosopher, a lawyer, a judge. Let not the 
 simplest man, therefore, set light by literary studies. The 
 bulk of our youth are sufficiently disposed to indolence them 
 selves. The rivalship of the states ought to be in their public 
 foundations, in producing men of letters. Popular distrusts 
 of them ought not to be promoted. The coxcomb, the macca- 
 roni, springs up in the cities; the illiterate in the country vil 
 lage. Legal knowledge and political learning are the stamina 
 of the constitution. The preservation of the constitution is 
 the stability of the state. 
 
 Political study ought to be the great object with the gene 
 rous youth of the republic; not for the sake of place or profit, 
 but for the sake of judging right and preserving the constitu 
 tion inviolate. Let his reward be the estimation and gratitude 
 of his country. 
 
 CHAPTE R XXVI. 
 
 Wherein it is explained why the school-master was not lynched 
 for talking Latin in public. 
 
 It will naturally be asked, considering the current of preju 
 dice against learning, why Martin, the school-master, was not 
 lynched for publicly talking Latin. The fact is, the people 
 did not know that it was Latin; some took it for one language, 
 and some for another. Thus, when he accosted persons in the 
 street, with puzzling phrases to translate, either on account of 
 the peculiarity of the idiom, or the elipsis of the sentence, 
 answers were given corresponding to the mistake. Thus : 
 
 Nil admirari 
 
 I do not understand Spanish. 
 
 Simplex munditiis 
 
 I never learned Welsh. 
 
 Ambiguoque vultu 
 
It is Greek to me. 
 
 Licrimee rerum 
 
 I do not understand Dutch. 
 
 Mea Yalentiam, si quia - 
 
 Esse sua 
 
 I have been not among the Indians. 
 
 Parati 
 
 Potatoes are very good. 
 
 As for the blind lawyer, humanity interposed on his behalf, 
 There is a generosity in the human mind, that leads even tho 
 ferocious savage, to spire the unfortunate. The sovereign 
 people, like other sovereigns, do not make war upon bats. His 
 lectures were short, and did not cost much. The loss of 
 money leaves a bite behind \iorse than the sting of tha wasp. 
 It is this that excites a prejudice against lawyers; and yet 
 people are themselves to blame. It is their own self-love, and 
 unwillingness to think themselves in tho wrong, that leads to 
 law. Covetousness deceives. 
 
 0, si angulus ille, mihj foret 
 
 I must have that nook of woods that runs out there. It will 
 make a calf pasture. Let a man put himself in the place of 
 his adversary, before he views his own side of the question; 
 he will then be more disposed to compromise. This is a bles 
 sed alternative. Where, as in a democracy of equals, no one 
 is superior, or has a right to command, this is the only course 
 to avoid open violence; the majority is nothing but power; it 
 may be the despotism of King Numbers. 
 
 I admit that bar oratory is carried to excess, and there is too 
 much of it occasonally; it is valued more by the quantity than 
 the quality. But there is a great deal of excellent oratory to 
 be found at the bar. There are stamina, though retrenchments 
 
 might be made. 
 
 Cum luculeutus flueret, 
 
 Erat quod toilers posses. 
 
 The great defect is, the making many points; the cat that 
 had but one way to escape, stood as good a chance as the fox 
 that had a thousand. Seize the turning point of the cause, if 
 it can be done, and canvass that. The stroke of the eye, or 
 
134 MJDERX CniVALET. 
 
 coup d'ocil, which characterizes the great general, is the being 
 able to see, at once, the commanding point of the field; to 
 abandon the outposts and concentrate his forces. Why need a 
 man be taking time to show in how many ways he can kill 
 a squirrel ? If he can take him down with a rifle ball at once, 
 it is enough. 
 
 Oratory has no where a finer province than at the bar. In 
 a deliberative assembly there is no such scope. Questions of 
 finance have nothing to do with the heart. No man can be an 
 orator at the bar that has not a burning love of justice. For 
 it is this gives the soul of oratory. An advocate thinking 
 merely f the fee can be no orator. The soul must be expand 
 ed by the love of virtue. 
 
 In a deliberative assembly it is difficult to be honest. Party 
 will not suffer it. At a bar a man may be honest. For, in a 
 cause he is supposed to present his side of the argument, and 
 with truth in his statements. The attempting to hold what is 
 not tenable, is a mark of weakness. Why then a prejudice 
 a/gainst lawyers? I exclude attorneys, that are mere money 
 gatherers; or professional men, that screw the needy and grind 
 the faces of the poor. Such there always will be. But nature 
 presents nothing good without an alloy of evil. And I am 
 also supposing that an honest lawyer will exercise a sound 
 discrimination between a good and a bad cause; and give up 
 the bad, at least push it no further than to see complete justice 
 done to both parties; for it is seldom that one is altogether 
 wrong, and the other altogether right. 
 
 As to the blind fiddler, if it should be asked why he was not 
 accounted mad; it was because he was not denounced. There 
 is a great deal in calling out mad dog. Besides, the insignifi 
 cance of the scraper protected him in the republic. He was 
 so busy scraping, that he never meddled with politics, and thia 
 was a great help. And as he played every tne to every one 
 that asked, having no predilection for Langolee above Ettrick 
 Banks, he gave no offence. 
 
 Nunquam contra torrentem, brachia 
 
 Direxif, sic octaginta annos vidit in aula. 
 
MODERN CHIVALRY. 135 
 
 CHAPTER XXVII. 
 
 The western cattle driver and the city macaroni. Disturbance 
 at the Frenchman's booth. The oppressed politician' 
 
 A cattle driver had come from the western settlements, to 
 exchange for salt, iron, and a wife. The settler went out, in 
 the first instance, with a rifle, an axe, a hoe and a knapsack. 
 Having fixed on a spot at a spring head, the next thing was to 
 fall saplins and construct a hut. A small piece of ground was 
 then cleared of the under-wood, and this formed into brush 
 fence to enclose it. He returned then to the interior of the 
 country, and the next summer going out with a hoe and a stock 
 of provisions, on a pack-horse, began his cultivation. Having 
 tamed a buffalo, or got a cow from Padan Aram, he had in due 
 time milk in abundance. This put it into his head to get a 
 milk-maid; in other words, a wife. The traders in this article 
 usually chose one in their own condition in life; full of health, 
 of a cheerful disposition, whose dress answered all the ends of 
 fashion without the affectation. The elbows were bare, be 
 cause the sleeves did not reach; and the folding doors of the 
 bosom were undrawn, because they had always been open. 
 There was no occasion for flesh- colored pantaloons; for the 
 pantaloons were flesh itself, discovered through the rents of 
 the muslin by the waving of the wind, like a light cloud upon 
 a bed of air in an April day. 
 
 When these virgins, "nothing loath," had been conducted 
 to the bowers mantled with the natural vine, an offspring arose 
 in a few years, such as that from whence the poets have drawn 
 their best fictions. You will have no occasion to read Ovid's 
 Metamorphoses, to have an image of Daphne or Proserpine, 
 Diana and her Nymphs, the Dryads, Hamadryads, or other 
 personages. Just cross over into these new forests, and there 
 you have them in reality; maids bathing their snow limbs in 
 
_ <: , . 
 
 136 MUDERX CHIVALRY. 
 
 '^jfc 
 
 transparent streams; climbing the mountain top, collecting 
 flowers, or gathering the berries of the wood, ivature is here 
 in her bloom, no decay or decrepitude. All fragrancy, health 
 and vivacity. 
 
 The stripling of these woods is distinguished from the city 
 beau; but it will not become me to say who has the advantage; 
 whether the attitude of the presented rifle, or that of the segar 
 in the teeth, is the most manly? "Which looks best, the 
 hunting-shirt open at the neck, or the roll of muslin that cov 
 ers it and swells upon the chin ? These are things to be can 
 vassed by the curious. I am of opinion, however, that it is 
 better to be clear-sighted than purblind, and to be able to see a 
 deer in a thicket, than to have need of a glass before the nose, 
 to direct the steps where there is nothing to stumble over! 
 
 It can be no slur upon the descendant of a western settler, 
 that his mother was obtained in this primitive manner, with 
 her hair descending to to her girdle, or waving in ringlets on 
 her shoulders; and the moisture of her eye brightened with a 
 tear at the emigration; when he considers, that in all places 
 matrimony, to use the pun of Bishop Latimer, has been in a 
 great degree a matter of money; and the consideration of the 
 contract not always what the lawyers call a good considera 
 tion, that is affection,* 
 
 A noise was now heard in another quarter. It was occa 
 sioned by a brick-bat which had fallen from the heavens, or the 
 top of a chimney; or been thrown by some one, which is just 
 as likely, and hit the stall of an honest Frenchman, who sold 
 hair powder, essences, pomatum, and shaving soap. He con 
 strued it an insult, and insisted upon knowing what no one 
 could inform him of, or if they could, were not disposed to do 
 it; that is, whence it came. Diable! diable! said he in a rage' 
 
 * There can be no doubt of the improvement in form and feature, 
 of those born and brought up in a healthy wooded country, of hills 
 and valleys, with a fertile soil, like that on the Ohio river and its 
 tributaries. Abundance of wholesome food, labor moderate, and 
 exercise in the open air, will account for the evident physical im. 
 provements in the natives of the west. 
 
MODERN CHIVALRY. lo*' 
 
 Si j' etois d'en la France! If I vere in my own contreel . L 
 miserable police. Dis contree has une ver bad police. 
 
 A F enfer Foutre, foutre, foutre. A F enfer go to de hell. 
 
 Parce, que je suis un jacobin. I be de jacobin. Dis is de 
 enrage. Till kill all de honest republican. 
 
 Ah! Messieurs aristocrats; c' est que vous voulez me tuer. 
 C' est une terrible conspiration. It vill make ver great noise 
 in de republique. 
 
 Civility to a foreigner, induced the multitude to interpose, 
 and endeavor to pacify. But strangers are jealous, and it was 
 an hour before he could be persuaded by some that spoke the 
 language, to believe that the thing might have been a matter 
 of accident. He had threatened to make a representation to 
 the government, and demand the interposition of the execu 
 tive. 
 
 There is reason to think he had dropped it, as we have seen 
 no diplomatic correspondence on the subjet. 
 
 Exhibiting under a canvass tent were a company of strolling 
 performers; some doing sleight of hand, others tumbling, and 
 a fiddler playing, accompanied by a banjo and tambourine, 
 and giving occasionally a comic song. By way of something 
 original, a harlequin represented a politician, groaning and 
 incurvated, as under the pressure of some extraordinary bur 
 den. When some one equired what was the matter, he replied 
 that he was carrying the commonwealth on his shoulders. 
 
 I like burlesque very well, said a spectator. A man must 
 imagine himself Atlas, forsooth, with the heavens on his 
 shoulders ! The people would walk on their feet if he would 
 let thtm alone. What matters it if by attempting to sustain 
 them he gets his rump broke? 
 
 That is all the thanks a patriot ever got, said a man who had 
 lost his electien. 
 
 Are not the people strong enough of themselves? said the 
 spectator. 
 
 Strength of mind is improvable, said a thinking man. Hence 
 strength of mind differs more than strength of body. The 
 aggregate of mind is one thing, and a distinguished mind 
 another. It is not so absurd to suppose that one mind, in a 
 
138 
 
 MODERN CHIVALRY. 
 
 particular case, may excel another. The social compact is a 
 noble study. He who has devoted himself to it, may be sup 
 posed to have made some progress. Why should he not have 
 credit for his good intentions? Why make him the object of 
 a public exhibition, because he thinks himself the support of 
 the community? Public spirit ought to be supported, and 
 hints well meant, well taken. It is but an innocent hypocon- 
 driasis, for a man to apprehend that he is doing good by his 
 lucubrations. That he is a pillar of the commonwealth. 
 
 See how he grins and balances, said the spectator, speaking 
 of the harlequin, because he thinks the people are too much 
 to the one side. 
 
 It is an easy matter to turn even virtue into ridicule, said 
 the thinking man. But selfishness was never an amiable 
 quality. And can th3re be a nobler effort of benevolence than 
 to seek the public good? If one individual misses it, another 
 hits, and the principle is salutary. It is not him that sails 
 with the wind of popular opinion that always consults the 
 interests of the populace. At the same time, I am for keepirg 
 up the spirit of the people. It is the atmosphere of liberty. 
 And though this atmosphere is the region of lightning, and 
 engenders storms, jet in it we breathe and have our being 
 But I speak of the angel that guides the hurricane; the gcod 
 man of more temperate counsels; and who, from age, experi 
 ence, or extent of thought, sees the consequence of things, and 
 applies the prudence of restraint to the common mind, in the 
 violence of its emotions. 
 
 Why shall we censure such a man, should he indulge the 
 ambition of restraining the people; or rather of supporting 
 them by counselling moderation? He is sometimes the best 
 friend that reproves. A flatterer never was a friend. The 
 caricature of a man having the people on his back, is an 
 aristocratic fetch to disceurage a love for the people, and a 
 disposition to promote their real interest. This harlequin is 
 set on by the enemies of the people, and with a view to dis 
 parage republican exertions. Now, unmixed and unqualified 
 satire is worse than base and fulsome flattery. 
 
 The spectator was silent. 
 
MODERN CHIVALRY. 13$ 
 
 While the harlequin was acting the oppressed politician, 
 a pedlar had thrown himself into nearly a similar position; 
 and though it may appear strange, an accidental conjunction 
 of attitude. He had got his stall on his back, and gave out 
 that he had taken an oath, not to set it down until the people 
 at the fair had bought off all his gools. He was on his hands 
 and feet, and bellowing like the bull of Phalaris, affecting to 
 be overcome with the load of his pack. The people out of 
 humanity, credulous to his distress, came from every quarter 
 to hear his complaint and ease him of his goods. A partner 
 was handing out the merchandize, and disposing to the custo 
 mers, as fast as he could come at the articles. The back-bent 
 man, in the meantime, in his inclined posture, was gathering 
 up the dollars thrown upon the ground, and putting them into 
 his hat; not omitting the groans necessary to attract a contin 
 uance of commisseraiion. 
 
 Christian people, said he, ease me of my wares, or I shall 
 have to break my back, or to break my oath. 
 
 You 'had better break your oath than your back, said a man 
 passing by; I have no money to throw away upon a rogue. 
 
 A rogue! said the burthened man. If I were a rogue I 
 could break my oath; but it is conscience keeps me here. I 
 cannot break my oath, and my back must be broke. Help, 
 good people, help; buy my wares and ease me of my load. 
 
 You son of a , said a rude man, cannot you stand up, 
 
 and your pack will fall off? 
 
 Ay, but it is my oath, said the pedlar, that keeps it on, until 
 all my goods be bought. 
 
 It ish a tarn sheat, said an honest German. He ish a liar 
 and a roke. His pack ish light als a fedder, mit shilks and 
 such dings dat veigh noting. He is a tarn fheat and a roke. 
 
 I am muckle o' your way o' thinking, said Donald Bain, the 
 weaver. It's a stratagem to get his hands into folks' pockets, 
 and wile awa' the penny. The deil an aith he has ta'en Ifc is 
 a' a forgery. 
 
 It ish a devlish condrivance, said the German. 
 It is all de love of raonish, paid a Jew. Ilia conscience is 
 monish. 
 
CHIVALRY. 
 
 Nevertheless credulity prevailed, and some continued to pur 
 
 chase. 
 
 CHAPTER XXVIII. 
 
 This chapter will be read because it ii short. 
 
 THE moral of the distressed politician is obvious to every one- 
 It is natural for one to suppose that this world cannot do with 
 out us. 0, what will they do when we are gone? is the lan 
 guage of every man's heart, in some way or other. I will 
 venture to say, there are chimney-sweepers who think that all 
 go to pot when they drop off. Yet the world goes on its gud 
 geons, and all things that are therein revolve just as before. 
 
 What will we do for a general? said one, when LaFayette 
 went off to Gedan. 
 
 What? when Dumourier went off, said another. 
 
 He may be yet in the ranks who will terminate the revolu 
 tion, replied a third. 
 
 It came nearly to pass; for the Corsican was at that time 
 but in the low grade of what we call a subaltern. 
 
 I have reflected with myself whence it is that men of slow 
 minds and moderate capacities, and with less zeal and perhaps 
 less principle, execute offices and sustain functions with less 
 exception than others of more vigor and exertion; and I find 
 it owing to a single secret laissez nous faire that is, let sub 
 ordinates do a great deal on their own responsibility. "lie is 
 right;" it is well; and if it is wrong, self-love saves the error. 
 Men had rather be suffered to be wrong, than to be set right 
 ftgainst their wills. What errors of stupidity have I seen in 
 life, in the small compass of mj experience, and the sphere of 
 my information? and these errors the object of indulgence, 
 because there was nothing said or done to wound the pride of 
 the employer. This is a lesson to human pride and vanity. 
 It is a lesson of prudence to overweening self-confideuce. The 
 sun lets every planet take its course; and so did General Wash- 
 
MODERN CHIVALRY? 141 
 
 ington. That was the happy faculty that made him popular. 
 The fort of this truly great man was, in some degree, the lais- 
 BCZ faire, the not interfering too muc,h. 
 
 Yet the lovers of an art may be excused in being hurt when 
 they see the artist err. The lovers of the public may deserve 
 praise, who wish to set the world right and do a little towards 
 ife. It is the error of vigorous and generous minds, to say the 
 least of it, and oftentimes the excess of virtue. 
 
 Sometimes it is an instinctive impulse of public spirit, tkat 
 cannot be resisted. Alcibiades was superseded in the com 
 mand of the Athenian army, but remaining in the neighbor 
 hood, could not avoid pointing out to the generals who succeed 
 ed him and who were.his enemies, the errors they were about 
 to commit; and which advice neglecting, they were overthrown 
 with their forces, by the Lacedemonians under the conduct of 
 Lysander, and disgraced. Moroau, though superseded by the 
 directory, and serving onLy as a volunteer, stepped forward to 
 an unauthorized command, and saved the army on the defeat 
 and death of Joubert. 
 
 The critic will say, what can there be in such representa 
 tions? We do not write altogether for grave or even grown 
 men; our book is not for a day only. We mean it for the 
 coming generation, as well as the present; and intending solid 
 observations, we interlard pleasantry to .make the boys read. 
 
 CHAPTER XXIX. 
 
 The close of the Fair. The Captain meets iviih Oconama. A 
 ludicrous mistake from the name. 
 
 As the Captain was going carelessly through the Fair, he 
 saw a tall thin^raan, of a lean visage and sallow complexion, 
 talking at a stall with a chapman. He had under his arm a 
 piece of new, or, a& it is called, green linen. In fact ho was 
 a weaver, and had linen cloth, as he called it, to sell. For he 
 was what wo call a Scotch-Irishman, and of the name of Oeo- 
 
142 MODERN CHIVALRY. 
 
 nama, which is not a Scotch-Irish name, but an aboriginal 
 patronymic; nevertheless it came to be his name, perhaps by 
 the mother's side. 
 
 He had on what we call a spencer, that is, a coat with the 
 tail docked; though some have this kind of garb made so in 
 the first instance; that is, juste au corps, or jacket to go over 
 the coat, instead of being under it; so that it seems to be but 
 half a coat. 
 
 Now Oconama is prenounced with the final vowel soft; and 
 hearing it so pronounced, the Captain took it to be Economy; 
 especially as he saw that the dress corresponded with the des 
 ignation; and the small scratch wig on his head but half cov 
 ered his brown hair, which was seen underneath, supplying 
 the defect of covering by the caul, which was of a suspicious 
 brown color, and had but a few straggling hairs on the top of 
 it, which was otherwise as bald as the pate of a Capuchin. 
 
 Mr. Economy, said the Captain, for such I see you are, and 
 I might have known you, even if I had not heard your name, 
 I am right glad to have fallen in with you; having often heard 
 of you, and wishing to see you and to be acquainted. There 
 was said to be great want of you, a Tew years ago, under the 
 presidency of John Adams, who though a good man, yet it has 
 been understood, did not sufficiently consult you. I am glad 
 to hear that you are in request with President Jefferson; tho* 
 it may be, as some say, that he consults you too much, and 
 that you carry things too far 
 
 Adams! said Oconama; I was not in the country when 
 Adams was President. 
 
 The more the pity, said the Captain; there was great want of 
 you. You were much called for. There is a want of economy, 
 said one. There is no economy, said another. But I am hap 
 py that you are now here. Great things were expected from 
 you, and great things you have done. But there are good men 
 who think, to use their own phrase, that we are economizing 
 overmuch, and^that by the weight of your reputation you have 
 misled our councils, in some particulars. A judiciary law was 
 said to be repealed on the principle of economy. Theconstitu- 
 
MODERN CHIVALRY. 143 
 
 tionality of the repeal has been questioned, much mor3 the expe 
 diency. The suitors are obliged to come from the most remote 
 parts of a state to some one place where the circuit court is 
 held, which under that law was brought, if not to their own 
 doors, yet at least nearer home. The constitution must be 
 amended as to the jurisdiction of the Federal courts, or a like 
 law must be re-established. The army has been reduced on 
 the principle of economy; the marine also. Our armed ves 
 sels have been sold off, and turned into merchantmen. Hence 
 a petit guerre with the Bashaw of Tripoli, for several years, 
 whom we could have put down and burnt up like a wap's nest, 
 if we had kept our ships and men together. But I will not say 
 that there was not good reason at the time, to justify the 
 retrenchment, I mean appearances were such as to justify it. 
 It is easy to judge after the event, and though I think the 
 thing was wrong, yet I do not arraign the motive. The public 
 mind leaned so strongly to retrenchments, and called for it so 
 loudly, that it was not easy to resist it.* 
 
 But the spirit of economy is said to have invaded the legisla 
 tive part of the administration, and to be about to fall upon 
 the executive itself, in the reducion of salaries; and not the 
 administration of the general government only, but of the 
 states, confederate and subordinate. For imitation is the facul 
 ty of man; and we imitate those whom we respect. Hence it is 
 that we everywhere hear of economy. An old woman cannot 
 set a hen to hatch but on the principle of economy. It is a 
 check to all improvement in any system. Now query, Mr. 
 Economy, whether this may not be carrying things too far? I 
 know well that fault will be found with all measures. For all 
 systems have their drawbacks. This world that we inhabit 
 
 * The author, although a friend to the administration of Jefferson, 
 differed from him on the policy of retrenching the army and navy, 
 and repealing thej udieiary, in consequence of the popular cry of 
 economy. This had been one of the means of turning out the former 
 administration; and the new, when in powei', for the sake of consis 
 tency, was obliged to practise on, however reluctantly. It became 
 pnrsimony when carried to the opposite extreme. 
 
144 MODERN CHIVALRY. 
 
 has its physical and moral evil, though the work of infinite 
 wisdom. What perfection, then, can we expect from man? 
 But it is well to weigh, and to know whether what is attempt 
 ed, comes as near as may be expedient. This is all I have in 
 view. You have been praised, and you are blamed; and so it 
 has been with all men, in all ages, who have endeavored to 
 serve the public. Their integrity and their exertions have not 
 been sufficient to secure them against obloquy. 
 
 Romulus et liber Pater, et cum Castore Pollux, 
 Post ingentia facta, Deorum in templa recepti, 
 Dam terras homiuumque colunt genus, aspera bella 
 Compouunt, agros assignant, oppida coudunt ; 
 Ploravere suis non respondere favorem 
 Speratum mentis, * 
 
 The weaver, at this rhapsody, especially the last part, th e 
 Latin sentence, stood amazed, with his eyes staring and his 
 mouth open. He took him for the madman of whom he had 
 heard, and who had been said to have been tried that day, 
 and, on the principle of self-preservation, if not of economy, 
 began to recede and to ensconce himself behind the pedlar, 
 who accosting the Captain, took upon him to explain. 
 
 It must be a mistake of the person, said the chapman, this 
 is not the man you take him to be. 
 
 Who is he then? said the Captain. It is not Gallatin; f for 
 Gallatin does not wear a wig, as I have understood, but his 
 own hair; and Madison J is a small man. 
 
 It is neither Gallatin nor Madison, said the pedlar, but an 
 acquaintance of mine from the county of Wicklow, in Ireland. 
 
 *Of this Smart's translation is as follows: 
 
 '' Romulus and Father Bacchus, and Castor and Pollux, after great 
 achievements, received into the temple of the gods, while they were 
 improving the world and human nature, composing fierce dissen 
 sions, settling property, building cities; lamented that the esteem 
 they might have expected, was iut paid in proportion to th.jir mer 
 its." 
 
 tSecretary of tin Traanury. J S3crftnry of Sutc. 
 
MODERN CHIVALRY. 145 
 
 He has been in this country about two months, and has never 
 seen Jefferson, or given him advice to do good or harm. 
 
 I ask his pardon, said the Captain. Calling him Economy, 
 I took it to be him that is said to be at the seat of government, 
 helping on with retrenchments and expenditures. His garb 
 corresponded with his designation, as he seemed to cut his 
 coat according to his cloth; and had curtailed the dimensions 
 of his periwig, substituting a little of his own hair, or rather, 
 letting it grow, to make amends for the want of caul, which, 
 bald as it is, comes but half way down his occiput and leaves 
 his neck bare. 
 
 CHAPTER XXX. 
 
 Containing reflections. 
 
 IT would be gratifying to myself, and it might be of use to 
 others, to give some notes of political history in this state. 
 Those just grown up, or lately come amongst us from abroad, 
 would better understand why it is that democracy has been 
 occasionally the order of the day, and again put down. It has 
 always had numbers oa its side, and yet it has not always pos 
 sessed the administration. I use the term democracy as con 
 tradistinguished from the aristocracy; that is, a union of men 
 of wealth and influence. 
 
 In the state constitution of 1776, the democracy prevailed in 
 carrying a single legislature; but this laid the foundation of 
 their overthrow; because experience proved that it was wrong. 
 "Wisdom is justified of all her children." 
 
 The constitution of 1776 gave way to that of 1790, and the 
 aristoora jy obtained the ascendancy; or rather having obtained 
 it, they brought about a convention, and carried the constitu 
 tion of 1790, which is the present. But connecting themselves 
 with the errors of the administration of the federal govern 
 ment, in 1797, 1798, they lost the state administration, and tho 
 democracy prevailed. Five years has it retained the adminia-* 
 
146 MODERN CHIVALRY. 
 
 tration, and will an interminable time, provided that wise 
 measures are pursued and justice done; but no locger. 
 
 This I am not addressing to the legislature or executive 
 power of the government, but to the people. It is for them 
 my book is intended. Not for the representatives of a year or 
 four years, but for themselves. It is Tom, Dick and Harry, in 
 the woods, that I want to read my book. I do not care though, 
 the delegated authorities never see it. I will not say it is to 
 their masters that I write, for I reprobate the phrase I have 
 no idea of masters or servants in a republic. But it is to their 
 constituents that I consider myself as applying the observa 
 tions that I make. I wish the democracy supported, which 
 can be done only on the basis of wisdom, which contains in it 
 truth and justice. 
 
 Error is always weakness. Integrity cannot save error It 
 can only reduce it from misdemeanor to frailty. In what is 
 the democracy likely to err? How do men err when they run 
 from one extreme to another? There maybe an extreme in 
 economy as well as in expenditure. The economists are a 
 good description of persons; but they are not always the illu- 
 minati. There is such a thing as economy over-much. A 
 man of spirit and enterprise in his private affairs, will be sen 
 sible that it is no economy to stint his laborers of wages, or to 
 higgle in his bargains. More depends upon judgment, and 
 expansion of mind in his plans, than in niggardliness in his 
 contracts. Laying out well, brings in and improves his plan 
 tation. The same observation applies to public improvements. 
 The federal government, in the opinion of some, taxed too 
 much or injudiciously. We will not tax at all. Ilather than 
 tax, we will bend our minds to reduce offices and salaries; at 
 a time, too, when the purchase of commodities proves to us 
 that the value of money is reduced, and the price of living 
 advanced one half. The jurisdiction of the justices of the 
 peace proves this; fur it must have been a good deal on this 
 ground, that it has been increased from fifty, or thereabouts, 
 to one hundred dollars. But it is not merely the reduction of 
 offices and salaries that is the evil, but the wounding a princi 
 ple of the constitution; or straining a principle to get quit of 
 
MODERN CHIVALRY. 147 
 
 these. For it cannot bo" dissembled, that it is broached in 
 many places, to overthrow the whole judiciary establishment, 
 and put men upon the bench that will take the honor of it for 
 the compensation. This might look well at the first glance; 
 but it would ultimately destroy the democracy by which it was 
 accomplished. But suppose nothing of this in contemplation 
 or attempted; who are they that oppose an amelioration of the 
 judicial system, competent to an administration of justice, by 
 an increase of the districts or the judges? The economists. 
 Though it can do demonstrated that a pound is lost to the 
 community where a penny is saved. But it does not come by 
 direct tax, but by insensible filching, in the way of the expen 
 ses of attending courts. 
 
 But the justice of the thing is more; the dispatch of trial 
 and decison. The delay of justice is the denial of justice. 
 The object was attained under Alfred the Great, by the divi 
 sion of the people into tens, hundreds, and thousands. Our 
 divisions into counties, townships, boroughs, towns, and cities, 
 have the same object in view. In our republic, these are the 
 schools where the people learn self-government practically. It 
 would be for the credit of the democratic administration to 
 have just ideas on this head. There are amongst them who 
 have; but it is not universal. The fact IP, that it will not 
 always be borne, and their adversaries will triumph. 
 
 CHAPTER XXXI. 
 
 Conversation between Captain Farrago and the Principal of the 
 Academy, on the subject of education. Suddenly broken off by 
 a casualty. 
 
 BY way of variety, we shall here relate a conversation be 
 tween Captain Farrago and the principal of the Academy, or, 
 as it was called, the College. It was on the subject of educa 
 tion; not education generally, but particular points of acar 
 demic instruction. 
 
148 
 
 J40DEUN CB1VALRT. 
 
 I do not like, said the Captain, thejenjoming, or huposiug, 
 tojuse a stronger term, tasks of original composition. It is well 
 to instruct in grammar, and the elements of writing, so far as 
 respects arrangement, perspicuity, and the choice of proper 
 words;~and in this I have but one rule, which is to think first, 
 and endeavoi\to,have a clear idea, and then to put"it down in 
 such expression as to be best understood. The definition of 
 style given by Swift cannot be surpassed; "proper words in 
 proper places." And for this" purpose translation is the best 
 exercise. It is absurd to require of youth thoughts before they 
 have any, or at least, correct thoughts. Help me out with my 
 description assist [me with rny theme, says one. What shall 
 I do for an oration? says another. Is it ever a complaint in 
 common life, that men want tongues? Are you obliged to urge 
 them write in newspapers? The difficulty ^is to keep them from 
 it. They will be talking and scribbling, before they know 
 what to say or to write. But we begin our system of errors at 
 the very schools. The student must compose. It is true we have 
 improved upon the system of the last century, in this partic 
 ular; and do not now insist upon it that it shall be in verse. It 
 is sufficient that it be in prose. I mean, that making Latin 
 hexameters, or English hendecasyllables, are not now a task. 
 But it still remains that boys must write. And yet the poet 
 which you put into their hands says 
 
 Recto scribeudi, sapere pvincipium est, et fons. 
 
 Good sense is the foundation of good writing. 
 
 I do not much like your declaiming in colleges, though 
 doubtless the ancients had this practice. 
 
 Ut inter discipulos plores, et Jeclamatio fias. 
 
 But is this arbitrary speaking calculated for any other purpose 
 but to make a pedant? You must stretch out your hand at 
 this; you must draw up your leg at that. Here you must say 
 ah ! there, oh ! It is the feeling of the heart only that gives 
 attitudes, it is passion only that can swell out the breast, or 
 agitate the members. I have seen an old woman angry, or 
 moved with grief, play the orator very naturally. The emo 
 tions of her spirit distends the armband stretches out the mus- 
 
MODERN CHIYALR1T. 149 
 
 cles. She clenches her fist at the proper period, and lays her 
 emphases upon the proper words. She says oh! or ah ! in ita 
 proper place, without being taught it by rule or pedagogue. 
 Pcission blows a man up like bladder. He grows as big as 
 himself. His hair rises on his head and hia breast heaves. 
 Will rules give a man passion ? Will a man that feels stand 
 in need of rules ? 
 
 I perceive, ^Captain, said the Principal, that* you are no 
 slouch at supporting a paradox. Polybius tells us, that the 
 Romans exercised themselves on shore, learning to keep stroke 
 and to feather their oars, while their gallies were building, to 
 encounter the Carthagenians in the first Punic war. Can it be 
 of no use to stretch the joints a little, even without passion? 
 Or cannot passion be called up by the exertion of the speaker, 
 even in a feigned case? It is something to accustom youth to 
 stand up and face an audience. At all events, it is an amuse 
 ment, and it caa do no harm to the boys to spout a little. At 
 the same time, it is no proof of eminence in real speaking that 
 the youth spouts well. For that, as you say, must come from 
 sentiment and feeling. But there is something in the habit of 
 declaiming, at least to assist the voice and gesture. Every 
 faculty that we possess requires exercise. No one can be per 
 fect at once, but by the want of use a faculty may be absolutely 
 lost. There must be a beginning; if the youth should never 
 try to write, he would never learn to write at all. You might 
 as well expect him to learn to swim, by looking at or thinking 
 about swimming. But I have always thought it preposterous 
 in our Young Ladies' Academies, to put little misses forward 
 to speak. I have thought it an indelicacy to suffer them to 
 declaim. It is unnatural; for what occasion can they have to 
 harrangue? 
 
 I am of the same opinion, said the Captain, I could never 
 approve in a family, to see a little miss called up by a silly 
 mother, or a weak father, to hold out her hand and speak a 
 passage which the blockhead of a teacher had instructed her 
 'to commit to memory. It is indelicate and out of nature. To 
 what assists the memory I have no objection. But for this 
 purpose there are sentences in the Scriptures, in the Proverbs 
 
 12* 
 
150 
 
 MODERN CHIVALRY. 
 
 of Solomon, especially; in the Gospels and the writings of St. 
 Paul. In Shakespeare are fine thoughts, drawn from human 
 nature; moral observations, consolatory or instructive. Let 
 them be got by memory, because recollected, they will guide, 
 conduct, or embellish conversation. These would be a good 
 iubstitute for catechisms, containing points of faith which the 
 young mind cannot comprehend, and the divines dispute about 
 themselves. Catechisms might be laid up for grown persons. 
 The fact is, the early catechumeni were all grown persons. It 
 was not until the time of John Knox, that they began to teach 
 children the dogmata of the scholastic theology. The Jews 
 had it in command from Moses, to teach their children senten 
 ces, or precepts of the law. They were taught to bind them 
 on their arms, or about their necks, in slips of writing, whicb 
 they called phylacteries. But do we hear of teaching them 
 the Talmud of Jonathan, or the Targum of Ben Onkelos? The 
 commentaiies of Rabbi David, or Eben Ezra the Jew, never 
 superseded amongst them th.3 precepts of the decalogue. 
 
 I had no idea, Captain, said the principal, that you had so 
 much knowledge of the Pentateuch. 
 
 A little only, said the Captain. But I go on to observe that 
 in Turkey, they commit to memory only the moral lessons of 
 the Koran; or of the Misnud of Persia. The Vedam of India 
 is a book chiefly for the Priests; and so with us ought to be 
 the greater part of the confessions. At least mature years, 
 only can digest them. 
 
 But these dogmata, planted in the memory, grow up to fruit 
 in the understanding afterwards, said the Principal. 
 
 That is, said the Captain, commit to memory now, what you 
 will understand afterwards. I would have memory and under 
 standing go together, and in my opinion, the true method 01 
 remembering a thing well, is to understand it well. There is 
 no doubt, however, that memory may be strengthened by ex 
 ercise, and some things, like swimming, are never forgotten. 
 The mind often continues at work imperceptibly to ourselves, 
 and an improvement is seen after the lapse of yearg, on 
 subjects which wo thought dismissed from our occupations. 
 But this leads ma to nay a word on memory, as you dfrinea 
 
MODERN CHIYALRT. I5l 
 
 ay when "you preach. For you talk of saying but a word, 
 when before you are done, you make a sermon out of it. Mem. 
 ory is a thing improvable, and ought to be improved; I do not 
 therefore approve of this thing of taking notes. You read your 
 lectures, and the student must take notes. It spoils his hand; 
 for trying to keep up with you, he writes fast, and runs into 
 scratches like short-hand, or the Coptic alphabet. Sometimes 
 the student copies the lectures, to a great waste of time, and 
 unnecessarily; for learned professors thought they had done a 
 great deal in getting them out of manuscript into print; and 
 now the labor is to get them out of print into manuscript again. 
 But the principal disadvantage is the neglect of the memory. 
 And when a man gets a thing in his book, he neglects to put 
 it into his head. Let the thing rest in the brain if possible. 
 Pedagogues that teach the first elements of Arithmetic will 
 instruct the youth to work their sums, as they call it, on their 
 slates; and afterwards put down the figures in their books. 
 This ig to take home to show to their parents that they may 
 seem to be doing something, and the master get a good name. 
 But it is a loss of time and paper. The same pedantry is car 
 ried up into higher institutions; and the classes copy lectures, 
 to make themselves or others believe that they have been doing 
 something 
 
 Just at this instant a gun went off, and thinking somebody 
 might have been shot, they broke off the conversation. 
 
 CHAPTER XXXII. 
 
 The Captain sends Teague out of the way on the approach of 
 the election. Encounters a worse danger. 
 
 AT the approach of the election, the Captain deemed it 
 expedient to send Teague away on some commission, with 
 directions to wait for him at a place appointed. Having dis 
 charged his duty as a voter, he soon overtook the bog-trotter. 
 
 But whether owing to themselves, or to the times, the office 
 
152 MODERN CHIYALRY. 
 
 of a judge happening to be extremely obnoxious, there was 
 danger of their being taken for some of them in their rambles; 
 and therefore it became necessary to be on their guard, more 
 especially on account of the bog-trotter, so as not to go near 
 an assembling of people. 
 
 With all his caution and circumspection, keeping the bog- 
 trotter in the middle of the road, and warning him against 
 what might happen; nevertheless, going too near a place where 
 a poll was holden, the unfortunate scavenger, as I may call 
 him, was recognized by some present as having been upon the 
 bench. The rumor soon went out, that one of the ci-devant 
 judges was making his escape, and the populace were called 
 upon to apprehend the fugitive. Teague, denial being in his 
 way of thinking, a main point in the law, even had it been the 
 case, was ready to swear by the holy poker, and the fathers, and 
 every oath that could be put to him, and with great truth, that 
 he had never been upon a bench in his life, nor had been in 
 the capacity of a judge or justice since the day he came into 
 the country. 
 
 Your brogue betrays you, said one of the number; I saw 
 you on the bench, and deliver a charge to the jury. 
 
 By the bye, he was mistaken, for it was a Scotch judge that 
 had given the charge; but he mistook one brogue for the other. 
 But the man was believed, and the bog-trotter stood convicted. 
 
 Yes, said the people, he has the very physiognomy of a 
 judge; you may see it in his face. Hang him at once, and be 
 done with his judge-ship. 
 
 A rope-maker brought a new cord, with which never man 
 had been hung, and throwing it over the limb of a tree, was 
 about to attach the other 'end to the neck, when the sudden 
 squeal of a pig that some one had hit with a stick, drew off 
 the eyes of the multitude, and the attention of the man that 
 held the halter; and the bog-trotter, seeing an opening, made 
 a sudden spring and escaped from the crowd. He was pursued 
 but a little way, no one choosing to tire himself, not under 
 standing that any reward had been proffered by the govern 
 ment for the taking up a judge. 
 
 Tho Captain seeing Teague clear, and running now almost 
 
MODERN CHIVALRY. 153 
 
 out of sight, began to expostulate with the multitude, and 
 upbraid them for this violence. 
 
 Do you call in question the sovereignty of the people, and 
 their right to hang their own officers? said one of the crowd. 
 
 Bat are you the people? said the Captain. A few mad-caps 
 ge t together, and call themselves the people; and talk of the 
 majesty of the people. You do not appear to be a very dis- 
 C3rning people, to take my bog-trotter for a judge; nor can your 
 majesty be deemed very gracious and merciful, that would 
 hang him up not giving him time to say his prayers, or to have 
 the conversation of a clergyman. Had he been a spy come 
 into your camp, in time of. war, on the eve of an engagement, 
 you could not have shown signs of greater dispatch in taking 
 away life, than in this instance. Those who call themselves 
 "the people," are not always the people; perhaps not even a 
 part of the people. And are not the laws sovereign over the 
 people? 
 
 Captain, said a man that knew him, do not think so hard of 
 these young men; they had no intention of hanging him out 
 right. 
 
 But even half-hanging, said the Captain, is no pleasant sport 
 to him that is the subject of it. 
 
 With that turning round his horse, he left the ground, and 
 returned to the village, reflecting with himself on the danger 
 of wandering far from the place of his abode, or at least ven 
 turing where he was not known; lest he might he taken for a 
 judge also, and brought to a hasty end by the limb of a tree, 
 as was near being the case with his unfortunate bog-trotter, a 
 short time ago, in the place he had just quitted, and which he 
 never wished to see again. 
 
154 MODERN CHIVALRY. 
 
 CHAPTER XXXIII. 
 
 Farrago pays a visit to the blind lawyer. Of reform, universal 
 suffrage, ambition. It is pleasant in a free country to lie on 
 one's back and whistle. 
 
 HAVING composed himself at home some time, the Captain 
 took an opportunity, at a leisure hour, to pay a visit to the 
 blind lawyer, and entering into conversation ventured to put 
 the question Whence the rage against the judges? Had it 
 always been the case, or was it a late matter that had broken 
 out? Did it depend upon moral causes, or was it a matter of 
 accident, unaccountable by man? 
 
 There is in the human mind, at all times, said the blind 
 lawyer, a disposition to throw off shackles, and revert to the 
 natural simplicity of the early ages; not that we relish, even 
 in imagination, the oak and the acorn; but we pass over these 
 which were the food and the covering of the primitive inhabi 
 tants, and we think only of their liberty. There is a tendency 
 in all things, which have been the subjects of cultivation, to go 
 back to their wild nature. How delightful is it to lie on one's 
 back and whistle, having no care and no laws to trouble us ! 
 Down with the lawyers, has been the language of the human 
 heart ever since the first institution of society. It breaks out 
 into action sometimes, as the history of Jack Cade informs us. 
 A spirit of reform is unquestionably a salutary temper of the 
 times; because there is, at all times, need of reformation. This 
 is the angel that descends into the pool and troubles the 
 waters, so that he who steppeth in afterwards is made whole. 
 But troubling does not mean muddying the waters, but giving 
 them motion, and exciting a current. It is by the spirit of the 
 atmosphere, the wind, that the waters of the ocean are pre 
 served salutary, by being kept in motion like the living water 
 of the running stream. But from the same cause the tempest 
 
MODERN CHITA LRT. 155 
 
 and hurricane. The spirit of reform is terriblefin its excess. 
 It is a matter of great judgment to stay it at a proper point. 
 
 Is not the right of universal suffrage, said the Captain, a 
 great cause of this excess in our councils; persons young in the 
 world, in the country, or such as have but little property, put 
 upon the same footing with those that have a greater stake 
 in the preservation of the laws, and in the] stability of the 
 government? 
 
 It is extremely difficult, if not altogether impossible, said the 
 blind lawyer, to adjust this matter to general satisfaction, and 
 at the same time, general safety. With regard to age, it can 
 not well be carried later than the ago which gives the owner 
 ship and disposition of real estate; and as to qualification of 
 property, it has been found impracticable to carry it into effect. 
 For how can the value of estate, clear of all drawbacks, which 
 a man possesses, be ascertained? It seems inhospitable to 
 hold the emigrant to a quarantine, and postpone the exercise 
 of suffrage to a distant day; and yet it is natural for an indi 
 vidual whom we admit to become a co-tenant of our habitation, 
 to think that he can serve us and himself aho, by some altera 
 tions in the structurejmd compartments of the cabin. The 
 German, inhabiting a cold country, naturally thinks of accom 
 modation to tho winter; the Briton also anticipates the heat 
 very little. Neither of these are aware of the particular winds 
 that blow, or of the rains, at certain periods, that usually 
 descend, or of the diseases of the climate. The older resident 
 ought to be consulted, and his notion of things not too lightly 
 undervalued. The idea Jof reform delights the imagination. 
 Hence reformers are prone to reform too much. There is blue 
 and a better blue; but in making the better blue, a small error 
 in the proportion of the drug or alkali, will turn black. A 
 great enemy to a judicious reform, is a distrust of those skilled 
 in the subject of the reform; and yet there is ground of dis 
 trust, where those skilled in the subject, have any possible 
 interest in the reform itself. One would suppose that an old 
 lawyer out of practice, one who had been a judge, and no longer 
 on the bench, might be trusted in all questions of amendments 
 
156 MODERN CHIVALRY. 
 
 of the judicial system. But the legislative body is the organ 
 of amendments; and it is natural for one branch to endeavor 
 to absorb the independence of another, or to be suspected of 
 it. Hence jealousy and distrust, which an enlightened policy 
 can alone dissipate. 
 
 But the present idea of reform seems to be to pull down 
 altogether, said the Captain. I do not know that you will see 
 "down with the judges," written upon fence rails, or scored on 
 tavern windows; but it is very common language among the 
 more uninformed of the community. The danger is, that it 
 may be mistaken for the voice of the people, and under that 
 idea influence ths constituted authorities. 
 
 That would be an error, said the blind lawyer. For it does 
 not follow, because a thing seems to have advocates, that it is 
 the voice of the people. The noisy are heard, but the dissen 
 tients are silent. Hence it is that those who hold the admin 
 istration for the time being, are not always aware of the real 
 inclination of the public mind. It is at the moment they 
 seem to have the greatest sway, that an under-current begins 
 to set. The truth and justice of the case, therefore, is the 
 great guide; not what may appear to be the popular opinion. 
 
 There would seem to be good sense in what you say, said 
 the Captain; and for a blind man, you seem to have a tolerable 
 insight into things. But how shall the truth and justice of the 
 case be known in a government? 
 
 It is not an easy matter, said the blind lawyer, or, as in the 
 present conversation, I rather ought to call him, the blind pol 
 itician. For there are fanatics, and there are designing men. 
 The fanatic is an honest creature, that thinks he is doing God's 
 service, when at the same time he is undermining the pillars 
 of the constitution. The designing man sails with whatever 
 he finds to be the current; or rather than let the pool stagnate, 
 he will excite a current. In order to be something in govern 
 ment, a man must do something. There is little to be got by 
 doing good, for all feel the benefit, but no one inquires into 
 the cause. It is by disorganization that reputation is most 
 easily acquired. The introducing a new law, or pulling down 
 an old rnagi straff, says Machiavel, aro the means by which a 
 
MODERN CI1IVALRT. 157 
 
 young person may distinguish himself in a commonwealth. 
 Indeed, even an old person wil] find his account in ihowing 
 game. If he cannot show a panther, he must show a hind, 
 and raise the tally-ho. 
 
 I do not know whether you call a judge a hind or a panther, 
 said the Captain; but that seems to be the game at present, 
 every one must have a whit at a judge. No festival can be cele 
 brated with suitable patriotism, without a dash at the judiciary. 
 
 There is danger, said the politician, of running down a 
 branch of the government. It is a delicate point to restrain 
 and not to overthrow. Wrong or excess terminates in the loss 
 of liberty. 
 
 Individual injury may be done, said the Captain; but the 
 constitution is a barrier to usurpation of the one or the many; 
 for there may by such a thing as king NUMBERS, as well ai 
 king number ONE. 
 
 Our constitutions are yet green, said the politician. Inflex 
 ions are easy. Construction is one half of the constitution; and 
 that varies with the men in power. A witch at a mast head 
 is not more dangerous than the spirit of ambition. A branch 
 of the government is no more than a bramble bush before it. 
 A philosopher is at a loss to know whether to laugh or shed 
 tears, when he hears invectives against the immediate usurpers 
 of a government, when the thing had its foundation in tho 
 errors of the people a long timo before. It is like laying the 
 death of a man upon death itself, instead of the primary causes 
 which had sown the seeds of his disease. The ambition of 
 individuals out of doors, and afterwards within doors, to carry 
 particular points, without looking to the the consequences, or 
 overlooking them for the sake of the immediate object, is th 
 invisible gas or poison, that with a slow or rapid process, ulti 
 mately produces fever, and brings on dissolution. Self-denial 
 is the great virtue of a republic. It is the opposite of ambition. 
 Self-denial looks only at justice. It looks at the public good. 
 Self-denial may not be accompanied with information; but it 
 is ready to receive information. It is not always an apt, but it 
 is at least a willing scholar. But inordinate self-love begeti 
 13 
 
158 
 
 MODERN CHIYALRT. 
 
 obstinacy in the weak mind, and ambition in the strong; both 
 destructive of happiness, political or personal 
 
 I hear a sound, said the Coptain, like that of may tongues; 
 and I see a man running, whose strides are like those of the 
 bog-trotter. 
 
 It was a tumult in the village occasioned by the bog-trotter; 
 though he could not be the cause of it. Talk much about a 
 thing, and you will put it into the people's heads. The fact 
 was, that in a meeting of the citizens, it had been proposed a 
 second time, to make Teague a judge. 
 
 Make him a devil, said a rash man, getting angry. 
 
 A devil let it be then, said the populace; and while one went 
 to get horns, and another hair to make a tail, the bog-trotter 
 was left standing in the midst. But he did not stand long; for 
 understanding what was about to be done with him, he slipped 
 cable, and shot ahead a hundred yards before the people were 
 under way to retake him. 
 
 His object was to reach the Captain and the blind lawyer, 
 whom he saw conversing at a distance: but he was under the 
 necessity of making some doubles, to elude his pursuers. At 
 length, however, reaching the Scean gate, more fortunate than 
 Hector, he threw himself under the protection of the Captain; 
 who being made acquainted with the cause of this uproar, was 
 beginning to expostulate with the rioters. 
 
 Captain, said they, is it reasonable that the people should 
 be checked in every thing they do? Was it not enough for 
 you to throw cold water upon making him a judge, or the edi 
 tor of a Telegraph, but you must also obstruct his advance 
 ment to the office of a devil? 
 
 Finding the people warm, the Captain thought it prudent to 
 lay the blame a little on the bog-trotter in the first instance. 
 
 Teague, said he, this is the first promotion to which I have 
 ever known you to have the least objection. Is it a false pride, 
 or a false delicacy that induces you to decline the appointment? 
 Were it not more advisable for you to accept your credentials, 
 the tail and horns, than, through affected modesty, to decline 
 the commission, or at least carry the matter so far, as to be a 
 fugitire from the honor? 
 
MODERN CHIVALRY. 159 
 
 la a free government, said the blind lawyer, a man cannot 
 be said to have dominium directum, or an absolute property in 
 his own faaulties. You owe yourself to the commonwealth. 
 If the people have discovered in what capacity you can best 
 serve them, it behooves you to submit and. accept the trust. 
 
 The bog-trotter, on the other hand, though he he could not 
 yet speak from fast running, was averse from the proposition ; 
 not only on account of the unbecoming appearance of the 
 badge of the office, but lest, if made a devil in appearance, he 
 should be taken for one in reality. He might be claimed by 
 Lucifer, perhaps, and ordered upon duty, not having a liking 
 to the service, whether it might be to tempt good people, or 
 afflict the bad. 
 
 The fact is, he was taken by surprise; and even when he got 
 his breath, he stood gaping, at a loss what to say. It appeared to 
 him an unintelligible matter, how he could be of any use to the 
 community, in the capacity of a devil; or how tails and horns 
 should change the endowments of his mind, though it did the 
 appearance of his body. Hinting this, as well as he could in 
 broken sentences, he was answered by the populace, that he 
 had made no objection of that kind when he had been made a 
 judge, or acted in that capacity; or when it was proposed to 
 put him at the head of a paper; that in fact it was a new 
 thing from any candidate, unless, indeed, under an affectation 
 of modesty, to allege want of parts, or an inadaptation to a 
 place of profit or of power. 
 
 But perhaps it is the first time, said the lawyer, that it has 
 been proposed to diabolize a man. Even of offices that are 
 known to the constitution, there are some, which men of libe 
 ral education would wish to decline; though, by the bye, it is 
 not good policy to decline an office because of the subordinate 
 nature of it; for submission to the will of the people, in this 
 respect, may be the means of obtaining their suffrages at an 
 other time, to a more important station; wherefore I would 
 recommend it to the young man to turn devil, since it is the 
 public voice. 
 
 It will require n* great change of mind, said the Captain, to 
 
160 MODERN CHIYALRT. 
 
 qualify him. The metamorphose need only be of his body. 
 His parts otherwise may stand as they are. But I would ask, 
 is it not a superfluous alteration in the economy of the world ? 
 Is not the devil that is already made, competent to all neces 
 sary purposes? 
 
 It is true, said the lawyer, we have it in all indictments, 
 "moved by the instigation of the devil." And there is no 
 complaint of the want of a devil to instigate indictments. 
 
 Were that the case, said the Captain, I should be unwilling 
 to withhold assistance even to do mischief, when the commu 
 nity required it. But all matters appear to me to be going on 
 pretty well towards confusion in this village. And why increase 
 the number of devils, I do not well comprehend. 
 
 Cui bono ? said the lawyer, for whose benefit? Why carry 
 coals to New Castle, or timber to the wood? 
 
 It appeared to the more reasonable that there was good 
 reason in this, and it was agreed to postpone the making of a 
 devil at that time. 
 
 But it will not be understood that even the bulk of the peo 
 ple really conceived that it was in their power to constitute a 
 devil with the qualities of one. They had no idea of turning 
 devil-makers, to that extent of the composition. They had 
 sense enough to know, that all they could do, was to give the 
 form and appearance of one. For, however men of superior 
 standing in society may be disposed to undervalue the common 
 people, and to reckon them fools, there are as many knaves 
 amongst them as fools, and perhaps more, upon a nice scrutiny. 
 These rogues, who were at the bottom of the business, meant 
 no more 6 than their amusement with the public, and a little 
 mirth at the expense of the Captain. Nevertheless, the mat 
 ter had been carried so far, that had not the Captain and the 
 blind lawyer assisted with their address, and parried the prop 
 osition of devil-making, by an indirect argument, the inutility 
 of it, the matter must have gone on, and a devil, in some sense 
 of the word, must have been made. For it may easily be con 
 ceived, what a flame it would have raised to have stood forward 
 boldly, alleging that the idea of making a devil was a wicked 
 
MODERN CHIVALRY". 161 
 
 conception, and had its origin in a design to overthrow the 
 government; that it was a diabolical attempt, and they must 
 be worse than devils into whose heads it had come. Nor would 
 it have mended the matter much,?to have told them that they 
 were themselves devils, or at least do the work of devils, in 
 hostility to churches and schools of learning. For as by 
 the application of mechanical powers we gain a force above 
 the direct strength of a man, so by that mode of speech and 
 reasoning which flatters self love and hides the application that 
 is intended. Men deserve great credit, who by skill and sci 
 ence have lessened labor; who by the invention of useful tools 
 have rendered the life of man more comfortable upon this 
 globe. Bat they deserve not lees praise, who by study and 
 reflection have rendered themselves capable of managing the 
 minds of men. This is the art of oratory, which consists not 
 in length of speech, or melody of voice, or beauty of diction; 
 but in wise thoughts; and here our orators from the schools 
 fail. Men of business learn to take things by the right han 
 dle, and to speak with a single view to persuade. You might 
 as well expect good liquors without fermentation, as a man of 
 real sense without experience in life. Doubtless, all experi 
 ence will not of itself suffice. There must be a substratum or 
 layer of judgment to begin with, in order to make a man of 
 sense. Under a despotism, or the military subordination of an 
 army or navy, there is a simple mode of pro seeding the bay 
 onet or the cat-o'-nine-tails. But in a democracy, where every 
 man is a sovereign, persuasion, compromise, and even address, 
 are to be resorted to in preference to force, which should be 
 the last and reluctant resource. Some may ask me of what 
 use it is to have recorded these freaks of the towns-people. It 
 is not pretended that it is of any, farther than to keep my fin 
 gers going. But is not that something to a man's self? There 
 is a pleasure in writing, which only the man who writes knows* 
 Yet I believe no man would write unless he expected some 
 body to read. His own reading would be small, if he did not 
 expect to have it found out that he had read. Thus self-love 
 is, in a great degree, the spring of all things. Is it nothing to 
 
162 
 
 MODERN CHIVALRY. 
 
 be able to show how easily I can elevate small matters? That 
 is the very reason why I assume this biography. Anj one $an 
 write the campaign of a great prince, beeause the subject 
 sustains the narrative. But it is greater praise to give a value 
 to the rambles of private persons, or the dissension of a bor. 
 ough town. One advantage is, that these transactions being 
 in a narrow compass the truth can be reached with more 
 certainty, the want of which is a drawback upon the histories 
 of a greater compass, most of them being little better than 
 the romance of the middle ages, or the modern novel. 
 
 Having premised thus much we go [on to a fact that took 
 place the following Sunday. 
 
 CHAPTE R XXXIV. 
 
 2he project of making a devil of 0' Regan comes to the ears of 
 the clergyman. Alarming incident. Teague takes to ftight. 
 The blind lawyer visits the Captain. 
 
 THE rumor of the design to make a devil of Teague soon 
 reached the clergyman, who thought he had enough with the 
 one already en his hands, therefore, if not on the ground of 
 fear, at least on that of sinfulness, highly disapproved of the 
 measure, and resolved to make it the subject of his next dis 
 course from the pulpit.* The text fixed upon was from the 
 Book of Job: "And Satan also came among them." 
 
 It so happened that just as he gave it out, who should appear 
 but the bog-trotter, at the west end of the church. It was an 
 unusual thing for O'Regan to be seen at this place; but on this 
 
 * It is related as a piece of pleasantry of the late James Ross, in 
 defending the Rev. John M'Millan from an action of slander brought 
 by another clergyman, the words alleged ''He is a preacher of the 
 devil" Ross contended that it was a mistake, that the words must 
 have been "He is a devil of a preacher." 
 
MODERN CHIVALRY. 
 
 occasion it had been enjoined on him by the Captain, to eeo 
 what reform it might produce on his life and conversation. 
 It was unfortunate that the clergyman, in pronouncing tha 
 words of the text, cast his eye towards the door which Teague 
 was about to enter; which immediately drew the attention of 
 the people to the same quarter; and hence the impression, aa 
 sudden as it was universal. 
 
 As from a theatre, where the scenery has taken fire, there is 
 an effort to escape, and the spectators rush in every direction; 
 BO on the present occasion. The greater part had got out and 
 were at some distance from the church, in disorder, the deacons 
 endeavoring to rally them, like officers the flying squadrons of 
 a routed army; but in vain; the panic had been so great, that 
 every one was willing to make the best of his way from the 
 scene of action. 
 
 The clergyman himself was not a little terrified, thinking 
 that, contrary to expectation, the devil had come among them; 
 and though he himself had seen nothing of him with the 
 naked eye, yet that he had been visible to the congregation. 
 Accordingly he had made his escape at an early period of the 
 flight, and was on a hill, apart in the rear of the church, at 
 prayers; with his eyes open, not shut, as was his custom; for on 
 this occasion he had thought it advisable, not knowing what 
 might heave in sight, to watch as well as pray. 
 
 The clerk, being a lame man, had sat still in the desk, and 
 given out a Psalm, so that of the whole, he was tho only one 
 who could be said to remain at his post. 
 
 The bog-trotter was under a more unfortunate mistake, for 
 he took it for granted, from the words of the clergyman which 
 he had heard, and from the alarm of the people, that he had 
 in reality undergone a change, and had become a devil. His 
 endeavor, therefore, was to fly from himself; like one whose 
 clothes are on fire. His howling and shouting, like that of a 
 beaten dog, increased the disturbance, and his own perturba 
 tion. He was a mile from the village before he ventured to 
 look back; and even then he did not stop, but continued his 
 route to a greater distance in the country; at the same time not 
 
104 
 
 MODERN CHIVALRY. 
 
 convinced fully of his metamorphose; fur, putting his hand on 
 his head, he could feel no horn, nor a tail behind his back, 
 though he endeavored to catch at this also. Hence it was 
 that he thought it proper to extricate himself, and ascertain at 
 his leisure, the real state of the case, as to his being what he 
 was, and the idiosyncracy of his existence. 
 
 Certain it is the bog-trotter had no great intrinsic value in 
 the qualities of his head, or heart; nevertheless, from habit or 
 Borne other principle, the Captain had conceived some attach 
 ment to him, and was uneasy at his disappearing, especially 
 under the late circumstances; not knowing what might befal 
 him from a mistake of characters. In the present state of the 
 public mind, with regard to the judiciary, it might happen to 
 him to be viewed again under tint aspect, and be laid hold 
 upon, as before, and put in fear of his life. Nor was it a thing 
 morally certain, that he might not become a trespasser himself, 
 if not upon the persons, at least upon the property of men. 
 The want of food might tempt him to rob hen-roosts, or break 
 spring-houses, which are used as dairies, or to keep meats 
 Iresh in the summer season. On these grounds, he thought it 
 both for the public good and that of the individual, to endeavor 
 to reclaim and bring him back. As to the idea of his turning 
 hermit, which some thought probable, it never came into the 
 Lead of the Captain. For though he knew that disappoint 
 ments in love or in ambition, have oftentimes made hermits, 
 yet this must have taken place in the case of persons of greater 
 sensibility than had ever been discovered in the bog-trotter. 
 Misanthropy is sometimes the natural characteristic of the 
 mind; but more generally the offspring of extreme benevolence, 
 hurt by injustice. Hence it ought to be inculcated to in 
 dulge even benevolence with moderation; and to be careful of 
 sanguine expectations of gratitude from those served. "Be not 
 weary in well-doing" to others, even though a correspondent 
 mind in those served, does not not always show itself. But for 
 the sake of self-preservation, it is unsafe to count too much 
 upon the fruit which good acts may produce. The seed does 
 act alwrayi fall upon good soil, and the seasong may blight th 
 
MODERN CHIYALRV. 
 
 105 
 
 crop. But the anchorite is not usually made of such as 
 Teague O'Regan, who had rather be among men getting flesh 
 and fowl to eat, than living on vegetables in the woods, and 
 drinking the pure flowing element of water from the rock; or 
 to trace the matter somewhat further back, as we have already 
 hinted, where the natural mind does not find its enjoyments, 
 in the association of the happiness of others with its own. 
 
 The whole village appeared to take an interest in the unea 
 siness of the Captain, from the loss of hia servant. The young 
 mm who had set up the Pole-cat to counteract the paper of 
 Porcupine, had gone out in quest of him, and from his knowl 
 edge of the woods, looking for cats, could more readily than 
 others, go to siich recesses, or point out such caverns, as might 
 be expected to receive him. 
 
 The blind lawyer and fiddler had paid the Captain a visit, 
 to console him, the one with his violin, the other with his con 
 versation. The blind lawyer made light of the matter, and 
 thought that taking to his trotters, was the best thing that 
 Teague O'Regan could have done; and that the leaving the 
 village for a time, though operating in the nature of exile, yet 
 carried nothing more with it than had happened in the case of 
 Aristides, among the Greeks, or Marcellus among the Romans; 
 and illustrious characters of other countries, who, avoiding envy 
 or yielding to unjust prosecution, had been under the necessity 
 of abandoning their country for a period. Some, indeed, had 
 spent the remainder of their lives in foreign countries; and 
 \vere buried by people, who formed a juster estimate of their 
 merits than their ungrateful countrymen, whose happiness had 
 been advanced by their wise counsels or herou actions. But 
 that in the case of the bog-trotter, there was great reason to 
 believe, not only that he would be well received by the neigh 
 boring states, but that in due time he would be re-called to the 
 bosom of his country, with feelings of a contrary nature, but 
 in proportion to the ignominy of his exit, 
 
 The Captain felt a degree of consolation from the observa 
 tions; but at the same time could not avoid expressing his regret 
 that he had not favored the ragamuffin throughout, in his pro- 
 
106 MODERN CHIVALRY. 
 
 tensions te become an editor of a gazette ; and the proposition 
 of the citizens to put him at the head of a paper; for though 
 it might have subjected him to a kick or a cuff, now and then, 
 for a blackguard paragraph, yet he would have avoided the 
 danger of being taken, as had been the case, for a judge or a 
 devil. 
 
 But, said the blind lawyer, as you intended it for the best, 
 though it has turned out otherwise, yet there is no reason why 
 you should blame yourself, or that others should find fault. 
 Time and chance happeneth to all men. In the capacity of 
 editor, he would have been subject to indictments for libels, to 
 which a want of an accurate knowledge of the law, in matters 
 of written slander, and a vulgar propensity, might have ren 
 dered him liable. He had some legal knowledge, I presume, 
 having studied, not at the temple, but in this country, perhaps 
 with more advantage ; for I believe it is pretty well understood, 
 that temple study is not of much account. 
 
 He understands about as much law as my horse, said the 
 Captain; for which reason it was tho greater burlesque to talk 
 of making him a judge ; unless, indeed, all legal knowledge 
 should be put down, and men should determine by their own 
 arbitrary notions of right and wrong, independent of rules 
 and principles. 
 
 As to the making him a judge, said the lawyer, I do'not take 
 it there was ever anything serious in it; and even as to the 
 present obloquy against the law, I am disposed to think the 
 current has in a great degree spent itself. Accusation and 
 condemnation are not the same thing. It is no new thing to 
 see accusation and condemnation mean the same, under an 
 arbitrary government. Indeed, in a government of laws, we 
 have seen the power of aristocracy, the influence of wealth and 
 office, exerting itself, and sometimes succeeding in running 
 down the accused; so that while tliey enjoyed the name, they 
 were deprived of the substance of trial. Even in a democracy, 
 not in name only, but in fact, ambitious men have misled, and 
 pretending the public good, have had in view their own pur. 
 poses. But in the free and equal representation of a larger 
 
MODERN CHIVALRY. 167 
 
 borough, and before a deliberate tribunal, it is contrary to 
 moral probability, that accusation and condemnation will come 
 to be considered as the same thing. Adversaries may pretend 
 this, and in order to bring a slur upon the administration, 
 may even wish it; but it is not in the common course of things 
 that it should be the case. 
 
 I do not know, said the Captain ; I have not read a great 
 deal of history, ancient or modern, to be able to take a view of 
 the judicial proceedings in the case of public men in republi 
 can governments; but there is a difference in this country, 
 from ancient republics, in the matter of representation. In 
 the forum of Rome the people themselves assembled, and 
 heard the cause. They had not to look over the shoulder to see 
 how the constituent, who was not within hearing, stood affect 
 ed ; or to reflect in their own minds, how an acquittal would 
 be taken by the voters, who had prejudged the case, and had 
 said the officer must be brought down. Do you think Sylla, 
 on his abdication, would have offered to submit the necessity 
 of his prossriptions, to the people in a representative capacity? 
 The principle of representation makes the great difference be 
 tween this government and all others that ever existed, ancient 
 or modern. Athough not a discovery here, it has been carried 
 to higher perfection. If it should unhappily fail, free govern 
 ment, on a large scale, must also fail. 
 
 And yet; said the lawyer, the chances for justice would seem 
 to be in favor of a body removed from the multitude, and 
 approaching more to a select tribunal. But the fact is, there 
 is no perfection in any human institution. It is "the Judge 
 only of all the earth," that can at all times do right. 
 
 It is a great thing to have no private views, and to have 
 conscience; so that no envy can warp or dislike mislead. Un 
 derstanding also, is requisite to confine the consideration to 
 the charge, laying out of view collateral suggestions. For if 
 Cinna has notconspired he ought not to be " torn for his bad ver 
 ses." But if justice cannot find a certain residence in a demo_ 
 cratic government, tempered by representation, and accompa. 
 nied by checks and balances, she must leave the earth. I 
 
168 MODERN CHIVALRY. 
 
 despair of finding it anywhere else. I have felt tyianny, or 
 have thought that I have felt it, even in the courts of justice; 
 so that I am not one of those who lean against the investiga 
 tion of judicial conduct. It is my object to assist the democ 
 racy with general observations; and by the democracy I mean 
 not so much the tribunals that are to judgo, as the people that 
 delegate the judgment. It will be a great matter, that the 
 judgment given be able to stand the examination of law and 
 reason, abroad and at home. High cases will come down to 
 posterity, and fix the character of the administration.- Liberty 
 will be affected, as posterity will approve or reverse the judg 
 ment. That is a high and transcendent court, with whom it 
 lies to judge judges; and lessons of high honor and discern 
 ment from that court, will have an effect upon the streams of 
 justice to the remotest fountains. If the understanding of 
 such paramount tribunals appear not beyond suspicion, from 
 the decision given, it will be a great hurt. The really guilty 
 may afterwards escape, from an odium brought upon the pros 
 ecution, an accusation will be less readily sustained, when 
 accusation and condemnation, should ever that happen, come 
 to be considered as the same thing. 
 
 CHAPTER XXXV. 
 
 Which explains tJie mystery of 0' Regan's disppcarance. 
 
 NOTHING had been yet heard from the polecat man, who 
 had gone in quest of the bog-trotter; nor from any other 
 quarter, could the Captain learn the place of his banishment. 
 Had he known where to find him, he couid have sent him some 
 books to read, suited to his present situation, and his state of 
 mind. Bolingbroke on exile; Boethius, his consolation of phi. 
 losophy; these, though he could not read himself, he could get 
 others to read to him; unless, indeed, he should have happened 
 to have fallen into a very illiterate part of the country, or 
 
MODERN CHIVALRY. 169 
 
 where the German only was spoken,* and so these books which 
 are written in English could not bo read; the last was written 
 in Latin, but translated into English. Not having books to 
 read, he would have to amuse himself with nine-mens-morrice, 
 or cross-the-crown, in the sand, or upon chalked boards. Per 
 haps this might answer the purpose as well, to an uncultivated 
 mind, as dissertations of wisdom, in manuscript or print. 
 Business is perhaps the best assuager of melancholy; but the 
 indolence of the ourang-outang, as he may be called, speaking 
 characteristically, would hinder him from using this means of 
 cheating his imagination. Laziness was his fort, and ther fl 
 was reason to believe that he knew it, and would stick to it. 
 
 The Captain, however was not inattentive in his inquiries, 
 in the meantime, and hearing of a conjurer that had come to 
 town, not having much faith in his art, but in compliance with 
 the wishes of some who suggested it, he thought propor to con 
 sult with this wise man, and gain from him such discoveries as 
 he might think proper to communicate. Not that he imagined 
 Teague had got among the stars, and taken his station with 
 the crab or the the lion. But this conjurer having more to do 
 with bringing back stolen horses or lost goods, than casting 
 nativities, it might fall in his way to ascertain the track of the 
 bog-trotter. 
 
 Now it so happened, that O'Regan had been met with by 
 the conjurer on his way to the village, and had been taken into 
 his service, as one that seemed to answer his purpose for an 
 understrapper, having some knowledge of the town, and capa 
 ble of acting the part of an under devil, whom he might 
 occasionally raise, and interrogate upon the state of affairs at 
 home or abroad. The hair that had been intended for the 
 devil's tail, sufficed now ; for Teague pointed it out the evening 
 they came to the village; and the horns were at hand, which 
 had been provided for former service. 
 
 * There are parts of the country where the German emigrants 
 settling in a body, are not fused into the common mass of the popu 
 lation tor several generations, but still speak the German language, 
 thttigh much corrupted. 
 
170 
 
 MODERN CIIIYALRT. 
 
 In the capacity of assistant conjurer, O'Regan played his 
 part in the commencement well ; and the ladies coming to 
 consult, had some things told them that had happened ; a cir 
 cumstance that gave them full confidence in the information 
 given with regard to things to come. It was this that had 
 raised the credit of the conjurer, and made his art the subject, 
 of general conversation. For the tongue of a woman is an 
 excellent promulgator in all that relates to secrets. 
 
 There was a widow lady of good fortune, that^wished to see 
 her second husband. The visage of the Captain, just coming 
 in, was reflected from the mirror, and she saw him. 
 
 My dear husband, said she, it must, it will be so. If the 
 stars have ordained it there is no getting over it. I shall be 
 happy how soon it can be brought about. Can you tell, con 
 jurer, how long it will be before the knot is tied? How valu 
 able an art it is, that can so easily remove doubts. By this 
 time she had the Captain rouud the neck, and kissing him, 
 without regard to the company. 
 
 The Captain, from natural delicacy or a good education, was 
 unwilling to repel the caresses of a lady; at the same time, 
 thought he could not in honor take advantage of the mistake, 
 under which she appeared to labor; but on the contrary, ex 
 plained to her, on the principles of optics, the manner in which 
 his physiognomy had been reflected from the lens, and that it 
 would require another experiment to ascertain the real hus 
 band which the stars intended. 
 
 The conjurer admitted that his glass had not yet been ap 
 plied to discover invisibles ; that in fact he had only been 
 bringing it to bear, when the face of the Captain intercepted 
 the vision. 
 
 The lady was satisfied, and disposed to reconcile herself to 
 the real designation of celestial powers, conceiving it in vain 
 to struggle with destiny; and therefore desired the conjurer to 
 lose no time, but to manifest to her the real object of her hopes. 
 
 Applying her eye to the glass, she saw a face that she did 
 not greatly dislike, for it had the appearnce ef freshness and 
 contentment; but she saw horns. 
 
MODERN CHIYALRT. 171 
 
 Horns! said she. What can thi* mean? 
 
 Mean, said the Captain; every one knows the meaning of 
 the emblem. It is a sign that the poor man's former wife had 
 been unfaithful to him. 
 
 The lady was glad to find the allusion had passed askant from 
 herself, as, indeed, it could not be well made to her, not being 
 yet married to the gentleman. 
 
 In fact it was the bog-trotter, who instead of raising a pic 
 ture in the camera obscura, had thrust his own head into the 
 box; and having just before affixed his tail and put on his 
 horns, the last were visible in that quarter, when he presented 
 his phisiognomy through the magic lantern of the conjurer. 
 His curiosity to see the lady had led him to do this; and ex 
 pecting that the conversation before the scenes would have 
 lasted longer, before she began to look, he was surprised, and 
 had not withdrawn his head. 
 
 The lady requested the conjurer to inform her what length 
 of time her future spouse would be in coming down from the 
 constellations. 
 
 It is not in our power to determine the orbits of fortune, 
 said the conjurer; but simply the phases of the planetary 
 changes. 
 
 I should like your faces better, said the lady, if you would 
 bring them down without horns. 
 
 This face that the stars have shown, said the conjurer, is in 
 the crescent, but if you come a day or two hence, he may be 
 at the full, and without horns. 
 
 In the crescent, or at the full, said the lady, let us have 
 him soon: since it is what I am to have. So saying, she 
 withdrew. 
 
 The Captain stepped up to put his question relative to the 
 bog-trotter; and explaining at full length the circumstance of 
 his absconding, wished to know the place of his seclusion, and 
 the means of his recaption. 
 
 He is in my service, said the conjurer, acting the part of 
 the devil, and is the very figure with the horns, which the 
 lady that just now left us, has mistaken for her future husband; 
 
172 MODERN 
 
 at the same time explained to the Captain the circumstances 
 under which he had found the vagrant, and the manner in 
 which he had accoutred him for the part he had to act; and 
 also how it came to pass that he had got his head into the box, 
 and shown his horns, which had given umbrage to the lady. 
 He gave him also to understand, that hs had found him a 
 tolerably expert devil, that he carried his horns and his tail 
 well, that he had raised him frequently, in the capacity of 
 devil, since he came to town, and was to raise him that evening 
 to some young men who had appointed to consult him on love 
 matters; that if the Captain would wait, he might see him 
 play his part, and judge of his dexterity in his new office. 
 
 As when in epilepsy, the eye is fixed in the head, and pre 
 sents a motionless stare, so looked the Captain's at this crisis. 
 He was astonished at the deception of the fortune teller, and 
 the vagaries of his waiter; this last adventure had exceeded 
 all the rest. He could not avoid expressing his disapprobation 
 of the foul play which had been shown the lady, and the fraud 
 which had been put upon her, showing his bog-trotter for a 
 person designated by the heavenly bodies to be her partner in 
 matrimony; and still more the iniquity of inveigling an igno 
 rant creature to take upon him the character of devil, a 
 masque which he had been endeavoring to avoid even at the 
 risk of leaving the village ; but what especially gave him pain 
 was the immorality of the occupation into which he had been 
 led; picking people's pockets under a pretext of discovering 
 things unknown, while in reality the whole was an imposition. 
 It was of lighter consideration that he had degraded himself, 
 and given a false direction to his ambition. 
 
 However, as the conjurer had him in his service, and some 
 claim upon him, probably to fulfil hia engagement, for the sea 
 son, what could he say or do? Contracts must be complied 
 with; unless, indeed the unlawfulness of the service might 
 relieve from the condition. For this it would be necessary to 
 consult the blind lawyer; and for which purpose he took his 
 leave and withdrew. 
 
 The blind lawyer was of opinion no prior contract with the 
 
MODERN CHIVALRY. 173 
 
 subordinate existing, having been but a servant at will, no ha 
 beas corpus or other legal process could lie on the part of the 
 Captain, to take him out of the hands of the conjurer; and as 
 to the unlawfulness of the service, that must be a plea in the 
 bog-trotter's own mouth, and not in that of another for him. 
 Doubtless it was a fraud upon the public; but the people 
 themselves became a party, by consulting the wizard, and no 
 action would lie to recover money back so thrown away; for 
 potior est conditio possidentis. But in foro conscientias, it 
 might be a question whether it was a wrong to trick people, 
 that were willing to be tricked. Si vult populus decipi, decipir 
 atur. 
 
 The Captain thought it an immorality, to take such advan 
 tage of the credulity of the young and the ignorant; or even 
 of old fools; for truth, sincerity, and plain dealing, was the 
 basis of morality. 
 
 A quid pro quo, in all contracts, said the lawyer, is doubt 
 less necessary. There must be a consideration; but it is not 
 necessary that this be a substantial equivalent. One promise 
 may be the consideration of another. Amusement is a consid 
 eration of a great part of our stipulations. Can anything 
 amuse more than fair hopes? 
 
 The pleasure is as great, 
 Of being cheated as to cheat. 
 
 I am not able to argue with a lawyer, said the Captain, es 
 pecially on principles of law; but this much I know, that the 
 conjurer engages to perform what he cannot do, that is, to tell 
 fortunes, and therefore deceives. Hence he is what I call a 
 rogue; he obtains money under false pretences. Now that 
 my bog-trotter, low as he is, should be an apprentice to a 
 rogue, or worse, an assistant and partner in iniquity, is reflec 
 tion upon me, who have brought him here ; and independent 
 of this, there is a degradation of turning devil. A printer*! 
 devil, we all know, means the lad that cleans types or puts on 
 the black-ball; but this is a different sort of personage, and 
 actually wears horns, and is in semblance of Beelzebub, or at 
 least in that representation of him wkich the painters give., 
 
174 HODERX CHITALRY. 
 
 As to the degradation, said the blind lawyer, that is matter 
 f opinion. If wo recur to popular language, and take our 
 ideas of an honorable calling from common parlance, we shall 
 find nothing of higher estimation, in grade of profession, than 
 that of the conjurer; we say of a physician, he is no conjurer ; 
 of a lawyer, he is no conjurer; and so on of other occupations, 
 meaning that however eminent any one may be, still he falls 
 behind the conjurer. But in a republican government the 
 trade or employment of a man is but little considered. The 
 great matter is the profits of it. Does it make the pot boil? 
 If the bog-trotter finds his account in the service, and makes 
 money, the world will wink at the means. How is it in mon 
 archies? Are not the meanest offices about the sovereign 
 deemed honorable? Why should it not be so with the sove 
 reign people ? To act the part of a devil may be sinful, as a 
 divine would say; but as to honor, I do not know it to be any 
 impeachment to be a devil. The greater the devil the better the 
 fellow. It is a cause of challenge to call a man a knave ; but 
 not to say he is a devil. We often hear it said of such an one, 
 that he i's "a devilish clever fellow." 
 
 The Captain discovered that the lawyer was disposed to be 
 playful and not serious, and dropped the conversation, still 
 hurt in his mind at the catastrophe of his subordinate itinerant, 
 or squire, as he might be called, and who had been on the 
 pinnacle of fortune, in point of expectation, having fallen so 
 low, and gone so far astray in his pursuits. But a change was 
 given to his meditations, when, in the meantime, the bog-trot 
 ter appeared without tail or horns, or a whole shirt upon his 
 back. He had lost all these in a scuffle with the conjurer, about 
 the division of the profits. A misunderstanding had alsc 
 taken place on the subject of alternating ofiices; the deputy 
 insisting that he should change places ocasionally with the 
 master, who should act the devil in his turn. This the princi 
 pal refused to do, and hence the disagreement, which had 
 come to blows, was the cause of a separation. 
 
MODERN CHITALRY. 175 
 
 
 CHAPTER XXXVI. 
 
 Captain Farrago falls under public obloquy, and in consequence 
 resolves to emigrate. 
 
 THE instability of the popular favor is proverbial. The 
 Captain, who had been so lately popular, became the object of 
 general detraction and abuse. There were various causes for 
 this, none originating in his own fault; but the ostensible was 
 the conduct of Teague, for which he was considered responsi 
 ble, in having been with the conjurer, and acting in the capa 
 city of devil. Though, by the bye, it was the people them 
 selves that had brought the thing about by masking him with 
 tail and horns. So inconsistent is the multitude, "that they 
 blame to day, what they themselves had caused yesterday. 
 The Captain being hurt at this, and willing to clear off reflec 
 tions for the future, determined to deliver up the bog-trotter 
 to themselves, to make of him what they thought proper. 
 Accordingly having called a town meeting, and bidding 
 Teague follow him, and addressing more particularly the 
 officers of the incorporation, he spoke as follows: 
 
 Fellow citizens, said he, here is that young man, whom you 
 have made a devil of in this town ; for it was you that made 
 him a devil, and yet you blame me, as accessary to the wicked 
 ness, or rather, the principal in the act. Now here he is, 
 stripped of his tail and horns; and, I will net say, like the sun, 
 "shorn of his beams," for that would be too elevated a simile; 
 nor like Sampson, "shorn of his hair," for that would be also 
 pompous. But I will say, like yourselves, without superfluous 
 incumbrance. Take him, therefore, into your custody, and 
 under your protection, and hew him into whatever shape you 
 may choose ; fashion him as you please. Make him the editor 
 
176 MODERN CHIYALRY. 
 
 of a newspaper, er transform him even to a judge of your 
 courts. I shall not stand in the way of his promotion, or of 
 your will any longer. 
 
 It was evident that the first impressions of the people, were 
 favourable to the proposition ; and that they took in good part> 
 the condeeension of the Captain to the public voice. But a fac 
 tious man in a leathern pair of breeches, who had never had 
 an opportunity before of making himself heard, rose to speak. 
 Captain, said he, is it fair to attempt a barlesque on the dem- 
 ocracj by introducing your servant on the public mind, for a 
 post of profit, or of honor? It is true the greater part of us 
 are but plain men, and illiterate, if you choose to have it so; but 
 yet it is to be hoped, we are not so hard run for persons capa 
 ble of civil employments among ourselves, as to be under the 
 necessity of taking your bog-trotter. 
 
 Heaven ! said the Captain, roused a little in his mind, for he 
 was not apt to swear, has it not been yourselves that have pro 
 posed the matter, and breught all the trouble on my head re 
 specting it? I did, it is true, in the first instance, suggest the 
 idea of putting him at the head of a paper ; but it was without 
 consideration ; and I retracted it both in my own judgment and 
 in my words to you, immediately after. For though the press 
 has been degraded, by such as he is, in that capacity, yet I 
 was not willing to contribute to the like evil ? The making him 
 a judge came from yourselves, it was an idea that never started 
 in my brains? It was your own burlesque not mine. 
 
 Why should I undervalue democracy, or be thought to cast 
 a slur upon it ; I that am a democrat myself. What proof have 
 I given you of this, my works show my faith. It is true, I have 
 not undervalued learning, or exclaimed against lawyers, or 
 joined in the cry of down with the judges ; but take the tenor 
 of my life and conversation since the foundation of the village. 
 I was at the first settlement of it. Did I engross lots of ground? 
 Has there been a necessity for an agrarian law in my case ? 
 Have I speculated on the wants of men, by forestalling, or re- 
 grating ? Have I made haste to be rich ? That is, hava I over 
 stepped the common, means of industry? Do I value myself on 
 
MODERN CHIYALKY. 177 
 
 my fine clothing? Do I indulge in luxurious living? Is my 
 hat off to a rich man, sooner than to the poor? Do I oppress 
 the stranger, or rather do I not assist him, and invite him to 
 our habitations? Who has heard me call out against foreigners; 
 or fixing a prejudice against emigrants? 
 
 Have I not opposed all alien and sedition laws, and stood 
 up against constructive treason? Have I tfot always been in 
 favor of the largest liberty to the citizen consistantly with public 
 safety and the rights of their persons? Have I not been in 
 favor of helping the poor, and those in middling circumstances 
 to improve their condition, and at the same time, affording 
 ample security and protection for every man in the enjoyment 
 of the fruits of his industry, although inclined to repress arro 
 gance, in whatever quarter it may show itself. 
 
 Captain, said an Irishman coming forward, and beckoning 
 with his hand, all dat you tell is very well. But is it a gintale 
 ting, to trow a ridicule upon de whole Irish nation, by carry 
 ing about wid you a bog-trotter, just as you would an alligator, 
 or some wild craytur dat you had catched upon de mountains, 
 to make your game of de Irish. By de holy faders, it is 
 too much in a free country, not to be suffered 
 
 Phelim, said another of the same nation, interrupting him, 
 but a man of more sense and liberality, you are a fool, said he, 
 Phelim, if you were my own broder, I would say so ; you are 
 a fool, de Captain means to trow no ridicule upon de nation. 
 Gentlemen of all countries laugh at deir own fools, and made 
 jokes upon dem ; not to show de follies of de nation, but of hu 
 man nature. In Dublin, we have our jokes upon our Der- 
 mots and our Thadys, and de devil a duel about it, nor in dis 
 country neider, just for de sake of pace and quietness, and 
 and good fellowship and eating and drinking, which is much 
 better dan breaking heads wid sticks, or shivering one anoder 
 wid bits of iron dey call cutlashes, so hould your tongue, Phelim, 
 and let de Captain spake, I like to hear him very well. You 
 might as well take exceptions to Don Quixotte, because he had 
 his Sancho, and wouldmake him a governor, and was'nt Sancho 
 a fool, a coward and a rogue? Sure Cevantes did not mane to 
 
178 MODERN CKIYALRT. 
 
 trow de ridicule on de whole Spanish Nation. Dere is no bra 
 ver nation dan de Spanish; I haye often heard de Captain say 
 de like of de Irish. On my soul, dere is no better frin to dem. 
 De burlesque is on de counthry-borns here, dat make foole o' 
 demselves by maken parliment men o' Tague, who niver did. 
 any ting but dig turf in de oul country; to make a parliment 
 man of Tague, would be queer in Ireland, and de Irish nation 
 has men of sense as well as fools, as in dis country; I like de 
 fun of de ting. I like to be joked very well, devil take me if 
 any people love a joke better dan we do at home, and dat you 
 know very well, Phelim. De burlesque consists in comparing 
 de high wid de low, and de low wid de high, and de dialogues, 
 and spaches mark de characters. It is de high dat is ridiculed, 
 and not de low, when you compare de low wid it. De books 
 and travels will tache you dat, Phelim. Let de Captain spake 
 widout interuptions, and tell his story. I like to hear de Cap 
 tain spake very well. 
 
 Far be it from me, continued the Captain, to undervalue 
 Irelend, or to mean disrespect to the nation, for there is no 
 people for whose genius and courage I entertain a higher ad 
 miration. They are a noble hearted and hospitable people; 
 yet it is in the very hot bed of great qualities, that we may ex 
 pect to find examples of ignorance and depravity. Much less 
 have I intended a reflection upon a democratic government, in 
 the countenance I have given to the proposition of advancing 
 him in grades and occupations. Nor is it democracy, that I 
 have meant to expose, or reprehend in any thing that I have 
 said, but the errors of it those excesses which lead to our over 
 throw. These excesses have shown themselves in all demo 
 cratic governments; whence it is that a simple democracy has 
 never been able to exist long. An (experiment is now made in 
 a new world, and upon better principles, that of representation 
 and a more perfect separation and nearer equipoise of the leg 
 islative, judicial, and executive powers. But the balance of 
 the powers, is not easily preserved. The natural tendency is 
 to one scale. The demagogue, the courtier of democracy, in 
 the first great destroyer, of the constitution, by deceiving tha 
 
MODERN CHIVALRY. ' 179 
 
 people. He is an aristocrat, and seeks after more power than 
 is just. He will never rest short -of despotic rule. Have I 
 deceived the people? Why then am I suspected of a want of 
 patrotism, and good will to the people? Why am I charged 
 with ridicule at their expense, who wish nothing more than to 
 inform their understanding, and seek their own good. 
 
 But is it not presumption in you, Captain, to undertake this, 
 in any shape; said a man with a shrill voice. Is it not an in 
 sult upon the people, to suppose that they can err, or suppo 
 sing it that you can set them right? 
 
 It is too much to bear, said a third person, with a grey coat, 
 I am for repressing all such presumption. It leads to aristo 
 cracy. 
 
 The blind lawyer got up to speak. 
 
 We will hear no lawyer, said a man with a long chin, and a 
 pale visage. 
 
 It is the blind lawyer said a friend of the Captain. 
 Blind or purblind, said the man with the pale visage, we 
 shall hear no lawyer here. The Captain has bred a great deal 
 of disturbance, since he returned to the village. He has op* 
 posed us in every thing that we proposed to do. No reform can 
 be carried on, but he must have his objections and exceptions 
 from the nature of government. Just as if the making or 
 keeping up a government, was a thing of mixture and compo. 
 sition, like a doctor's drug. As if a man must learn it, as he 
 would to make a watch or to keep it in repair like a clock. Can 
 their be any thing more simple than for the people just to gov 
 ern themselves ? What needs all this talk of checks and bal 
 ances ? Why keep up laws and judges, at an expense as if the 
 people were not compstent to give laws, and to judge for them 
 selves? 
 
 Ye need na' mind the Captain, said Duncan, coming forward, 
 having a regard for him, and seeing him in a delicate predica 
 ment the anger of the people kindling; ye need na' mind the 
 Captain, said he, for he's no right in his head. He has got 
 some kink in his intellek, that gars him conceit strange things. 
 I was his waiter twa or three month*, and I found him a wee 
 
180 MODERN CHITALRT, 
 
 thing cracked; and ye canna weel but find it sae, when ye tak 
 a look at his vagaries and imaginations. Just let him go about 
 his business, and mind your ain affairs. It wud be a shame 
 to fall out wi' a man that's no right in his head. 
 
 If that be the case, said a man with a brown wig, great 
 allowance ought to be made. None of ourselves can tell how 
 long our natural reason may be continued to us. To be sure 
 he talks like a man that is not just himself. But we did not 
 know but that it might be a disguise to conceal his views; the 
 mask of simplicity, the better to introduce aristocracy. 
 
 Gentlemen, said the Captain, I shall not contradict Duncan, 
 who, I am persuaded, believes what he says. But since my ser 
 vices amongst you at present, do not seem to well be received, 
 though from my heart well intended, I will leave you for a 
 while, and call off the bog-trotter to another ramble. Consid 
 ering it as a banishment in fact, though not in name ; and 
 adopting the language of ono under like circumstances, I will 
 wish that the village may never have occasion to remember me 
 or my observations. 
 
 CHAPTER XXXVII. 
 
 Reflections of the author on various subjects. The neglect of the 
 legislature to establish schools, and to promote learning. 
 
 SOME of our readers may be displeased at the introduction 
 of the name of Porcupine, and at our having alluded to that 
 other savage of the types, Callender ; for although no man can 
 respect these characters, yet consciousness of having once 
 favored them from other motives, will touch the self-love of 
 some; as it will be said the one is dead, and the other ran 
 away, and it was not worth while, or perbaps liberal, to make 
 use of their names even in a dramatic way, or as a character 
 in a fable. As to Porcupine, it was said at the time, that 
 though occasionally coarse in his language, and gross in hi 
 
MODERN CHIVALRY". 181 
 
 reflections, yet such a spirit and style of writing was necessary 
 to counteract the excess of democratic principles; that in fact, 
 it did good. I doubt upon that head; or rather, to the best of 
 my judgment, it did harm to the cause which it was thought 
 to serve. Indignation is insensibly transferred from the advo 
 cate to the cause. 
 
 It has been said in the British Parliament, that "he de 
 served a statue of gold for his services rendered here." This 
 ib a great mistake. He did injury to the character of British 
 manners and liberality. It produced something like a personal 
 lesontrnent against the whole nation whence such a writer 
 came. An intemperate partizan, in public or private life, can 
 never serve any cause. 
 
 But it was not with a view to portray this spectre of scurril 
 ity that the name is introduced; but because it suited to the 
 counterpart, Polecat. I had thought of Panther; but Porcu 
 pine could be drawn from real life, and was at hand. 
 
 I will not say that before Porcupine came, and since, there 
 has not been a portion of scurrility in some gazettes, unworthy 
 of the press. There has been too much; but I believe the 
 example and the fate of this monster and his successor, Cal- 
 lender, has greatly contributed to reform the abuse. It is a 
 check upon an editor to bo threatened, not with a prosecution, 
 but to be called a Porcupine or a~ Callender.* 
 
 It will be natural for a reader to apply in his own mind, the 
 history of the village and its agitations, to the state where we 
 live; and it will be asked, what ground is there for the idea, 
 that here we talk of pulling down churches, or burning col 
 leges? There is no ground, so far as respects churches; but it 
 is introduced by way of illustration. What if any ore should 
 say, let us have no books, and no doctrines but the ten com 
 mandments, the Lord's prayer and the apostle's creed ? Give 
 
 * Porcupine, or Gobbet, in this country, was a violent hater of 
 democracy, and wrote a pamphlet entitled, "A bone to gnaw, for 
 the democracy." When he returned to England he became a Jaco 
 bin or Radical. Callender was an unprincipled, malignant slander 
 er; williug to write for or against any one for money. 
 15 
 
182 MODERN CHITALIIT. 
 
 us the gospels in a narrow compass, and have no more preach 
 ing about it; let there be no more churches or preachers! Let 
 it be so with the law ; why cannot we have it in pocket book, 
 and let every many be his own lawyer? Our acts of assembly 
 till several folio volumes ; and yet these are not the one thou- 
 santh part of our law. Why not, at least, put the acts of 
 assembly in a nut shell? Ask our legislators. "What else law 
 have we but the acts of the legislative body ? The law of 
 nations forms a part of the municipal law of this state. This 
 law is of great extent, and to be collected from many books. 
 The common law, before the revolution, made a part of our 
 law; and by an act of our legislature, is recognized and 
 established to be a part of our law, "and such of the statute 
 laws of England as have heretofore been in force." This law 
 must be collected from commentaries and decisions. It is of 
 an immense extent, because the relation of men and contracts 
 of parties are of an infinite variety. But how is Turkey 
 governed? Do the mufti require such a multiplicity of rules? 
 No, nor the cadi in Persia; because "having no law, they are 
 a law unto themselves." There is no jury there. It must be 
 a profession, a business of study, to understand our law; we 
 cannot therefore burn the books of law, or court-houses, any 
 more than we can dispense with sermons and commentaries 
 on the Bible, or pull down our religious edifices, without, at 
 the same time, breaking up all the solid foundations of society. 
 All nations which have become great and powerful, have had a 
 religion. It is, therefore, a necessity. There never has been, 
 and there never will be a nation of philosophers, or theo-phi- 
 lanthropists, men, women and children. And if there must 
 be a religion, I cannot hesitate to give the preference to the 
 Christian over the heathen. The arrogant and conceited 
 visionary may laugh, but it will be the laugh of folly. 
 
 I will not say that people talk of burning colleges; but they 
 do not talk much of building them up. The Constitution pro 
 vides, Article 7, " That the legislature shall, as soon as conve 
 niently may be, provide by law for the establishment of schools 
 throughout the state, in such manner that the poor may be 
 taught gratis." Something has been done for academics and 
 
MODERN CHIVALRY. 183 
 
 colleges, but no-hing for primitive schools.* It is these which 
 form the springs and rills to feed the larger streams. It is 
 here that government should begin, and it has yet done noth 
 ing. These are the schools for the children of the republic; 
 but are there no schools for grown persons? Yes, there is 
 the democracy, pure and simple, of their town meetings, and 
 primary assemblages, where every one may take part. There 
 is again, representation in the city or borough corporations, 
 and state legislature; in the courts of justice, service on juries; 
 and the many other duties, where they can acquire a practical 
 knowledge of their obligations; thus fitting the humblest 
 citizen to carry on the scheme of a representative democracy. 
 Without this apprenticeship, and experience thus acquired, 
 they would only be fit to be ruled by a master. Our state 
 legislatures are great schools, or rather colleges. I have 
 known countrymen, at first little better than clowns, but pos 
 sessing good natural parts, after the service of two or three 
 sessions, become respectable statesmen, and no enemies to 
 education, some of these afterwards rose to distinction in 
 either house of Congress. Every ten years, some thousands of 
 statesmen are reared in these state schools. 
 
 Sec. 11. "The arts and sciences shall be promoted in one or 
 more seminaries of learning." We do not hear of much exer 
 tion on this head, either in the legislative body or out of doors. 
 But what is more exceptionable, or at least unfortunate, in the 
 opinion of literary men, and perhaps in the opinion of some 
 that have the misfortune not to be learned, is that learning 
 does not seem to be in repute universally. The surest means 
 in some places, as is said, to make your way to a public func 
 tion, is to declaim against learning. It would be a libel oa 
 the body politic, if a state could be the subject of a libel, to 
 say or to insinuate, that this is general. But it is heard in some 
 places. I do not know that it is carried so far that a candidate 
 for an office will affect not to be able to write, but make his-mark, 
 but it is not far from it; for he will take care to have it known 
 
 * This was written many years before the passage of the Common 
 School law. Vast changes have been made within thirty years. 
 
184 MODERN CHIVALRY. 
 
 that he is no scholar; that he has had no dealings with the 
 devil in this way; that he has kept himself all his life, thank 
 God, free from the black art of letters; that he has nothing 
 but the plain light of nature to go by, and therefore cannot be 
 a rogue; that as for learned men that have sold themselves to 
 the devil, they may go to their purchaser ; he will have nothing 
 to do with old Nick or his agents. This is not just the lan 
 guage used; but it is the spirit of it. It may be a carricature, 
 as we distort features to make deformity more deformed. But 
 the picture is not without some original of this drawing. To 
 speak figuratively, as we say of fevers, it may be in low 
 grounds, and about marshes, that we have the predisposition; 
 that is, in secluded parts of the country. But so it is, that it 
 does exist. 
 
 It is true, the savages of our frontier country, and elsewhere, 
 dispense with the use of letters; and at a treaty, Canajohalas 
 and other chiefs make their marks. They are able counsellors, 
 and bloody wrrriors, notwitstanding. The Little Turtle de 
 feated General St. Clair, who is a man of genius, and literary 
 education ; and yet the Little Turtle can neither read nor write, 
 any more than a wild turkey, or a water tarapin. But let it be 
 considered, that the deliberations of the council-house, at the 
 Miami towns, embrace but simple objects; and a man may 
 throw a tomahawk that holds a pen, but very awkwardly. So 
 that there is nothing to be inferred from this, candidly speak 
 ing. I grant that Charlemagne made his mark by dipping 
 his hand in ink and placing it upon the parchment. It was 
 his hand, no doubt; but it musthave taken up a large portion 
 of the vellum; and it would have saved expense, if he could 
 have signed himself in a smaller character. But what may 
 pass in an illiterate age, with an emperor, will not be so well 
 received in a more enlightened period, and in the case of a 
 common person. Every free citizen, in this country, has a 
 high duty to perform, as important as that of a hereditary sov- 
 reign; as far as these duties extend, he is also a sovereign 
 by virtue of birth-right. 
 
 It is not the want of learning that I consider as a defect; but 
 the contempt of it. A man of strong mtnd may do without it; 
 

 MODERN CHIVALRY. 
 
 185 
 
 but he ought not to undervalue the assistance of it, in those 
 who have but moderate parts to depend upon. It is a bad 
 lesson to young people, who had better take a lesson from 
 their books. At any rate, it is good to have the thing mixed ; 
 here a scholar and there an illiterate person; that the honesty 
 of the one may correct; the craft of the other. 
 
 How comes it that the lawyer in this slate seems to be con 
 sidered as a limb of Satan? There is a great prejudice against 
 them. It would seem to me that it is carried to an extreme. 
 I acknowledge there are some faults in the profession, which 
 ought to be corrected, and I have not spared them; but with the 
 kindness of a father who corrects a child. The evil is, that it 
 may become less liberal, and a mere trade to get money; and 
 the law is not so much studied as a science, that is connect 
 ed with literary attainments. The evil stands on the 
 ground of prejudice against learning. An advertisement 
 appeared some years ago in a Philadelphia newspaper of a 
 ship just arrived, with indented servants; tradesmen of all 
 descriptions; carpenters, joiners, and sawyers. The error of 
 the press had made it lawyers. It gave a general alarm; for 
 the people thought we had enough of them in the country 
 already. 
 
 But if we have lawyers at all, it is certainly an advantage to 
 have them well educated. "Were it for nothing else but the 
 credit of the thing, I should like to see an enlightened and 
 liberal bar in the country. It is thought that learning makes 
 them make long speeches. If that should be made to appear, 
 I bar learning; for I like brevity; with Shakespeare, I think 
 it "the soul of wit." 
 
 I attribute the making long speeches, to the taking long 
 notes. When everything is taken down, everything must b3 
 answered, though it is not worth the answering. This draws 
 replies long into the night; and we labor under the disadvan 
 tage of not having woolsacks to sleep upon as they have in 
 England, while the counsel are fatiguing themselves, or at 
 least the juries. 
 
 The present tendency of the public mind is in favor of justi 
 ces of the peace, and arbitration. Yet the suitors are glad 
 
186 
 
 MODERN CHIVALRY. 
 
 to get back into court again. In China there are only 
 justices of the peace, who are called mandarins, with an ap 
 peal to the emperor, which seldom reaches him. From the 
 accounts that we have, justice is dispensed in a very summary 
 way, but is it more agreeable to justice? I should think not. 
 
 A limb of the law, is a good name for a lawyer; for we say 
 a limb of Satan ; and a lawyer in a free country is the next 
 thing to it; a thorn in the flesh to buffet the people! There is 
 freedom enough in the constitution, why need we be afraid of 
 aristocracy in practise? Every man is brought up to the bull 
 ring in a court of law, be he rich or poor; but the scheriff, in 
 Arabia, who is a justice of the peace, not like our sheriff here, 
 though it is spelt the same nearly, can summon no jury ; at 
 least he takes care not to do it. But the governments of those 
 countries are arbitrary, not free. A free government, and the 
 exclusion of the profession of the law, cannot be reconciled ; 
 for where laws are numerous, somebody must make it their 
 business to be acquired with them. And where they are 
 not numerous, the state of society must be simple, or arbitrary 
 power take their place. 
 
 How can the overthrow of a judiciary tribunal affect liberty ? 
 No otherwise than as it militates against a branch of the gov 
 ernment. Take away a main branch from a tree, and its 
 balance will be destroyed its health impaired. The judiciary 
 is the arm and shield, which protects the weak from the strong; 
 the strong in body, in mind or in wealth. But suppose the 
 judiciary branch goes; the legislative and executive remain. 
 There are two sprigs to the legislative branch. Which is 
 strongest? That of the house of representatives. Is there no 
 danger of this outgrowing the other two ? There is half a 
 sprig in the executive. But the great sprig of the popular 
 branch, or house of representatives, is "the rod of Aaron that 
 will swallow up the other rods." There is a talk now of abol 
 ishing the senate. That will be talked of unless it becomes an 
 enregistering office. It is hoped that will never be. In this I 
 allude not to any disposition that has yet shown itself in the 
 house of representatives ; but to what I have heard broached 
 out of doors. The senate is a check, a restraint, a curb, and 
 
MODERN 1 CHITALRT. 187 
 
 wild liberty OP licentiousness, hates all restraints, or checks, 
 or curbs. Wild liberty loves to indulge its passions at what 
 ever cost to others. It cares for nothing but itself. 
 
 Despotism is not a self-born thing. It has its origin in first 
 causes. These are not perceptible, like the gas that produces 
 the yellow fever. Why call out against the fever? It is the 
 gas that is the cause. Whence sprung the emperor who now 
 rules the French? From the mountain of the national assem 
 bly. It is the madness of the people that make emperors. 
 They are not always aware when they are sowing serpents' 
 teeth. Reflecting men saw the emperor in the insurrections 
 of Paris; in the revolutionary tribunals; in the denominacy 
 of the clubs; in the deportations to Cayenne. Whether it 
 springs from the seed, or grows from the plant; is oviparous, 
 or viviparous, despotism is not of a day ; it is of gradual 
 increase. It is from the people themselves. 
 
 Is it the duty of the representative to obey instructions? 
 Theoretically, as he is to deliberate, it is his duty to follow 
 the dictates of his own judgment; but practically, which is 
 the more difficult to obey or not to obey? If the latter, then 
 is there more merit in disobeying and acting correctly, accord 
 ing to the theory, as it may involve a self-sacrifice. The dan 
 ger lies in yielding too willing an obedience. Representation 
 ia one of the checks on hasty legislation.* 
 
 CHAPTER XXXVIII. 
 
 Reflections continued. The talk of abolishing th* courts. An 
 apology to the lawyers. 
 
 IN what has been said in the last chapter, of certain de 
 structive propensities, I have had in view the prejudice* of the 
 people, and not the proceedings of any public body. The talk 
 out of doors is the fountain which is to be purified. It is into 
 this pool I cast my salt. Representatives must yield to the 
 
 * The foregoing chapter contains very important topics. It is emi 
 nently conservative. The idea of representation being a check, is new 
 

 188 MODERN CHIVALRY. 
 
 prejudices of the people, contrary to their own judgment, and 
 when that judgment may be right. I have been in a legisla 
 ture myself, and I know how a member must yield to clamors 
 at home.* 
 
 I am far from condemning the impeachment of the judges. 
 I rejoice at this power in the constitution. Yet, sublime i& 
 the tribunal that is to judge judges. Our senators, in this 
 capacity, if I may venture to say so, are the representatives of 
 heaven. I see them seated on amount "fast by God;" the 
 stream of justice issuing at their right hand; full and equal in 
 its current; crystal in its fountains, and giving freshness to 
 groves and gardens on its borders. The stream of injustice 
 on the left, bursting like a torrent of inflamed naptha, scorch 
 ing and consuming all before it. 
 
 Possibly I may offend the lawyers, for mingling censure with 
 the defence of their profession. I have said to them, as was 
 said to the Pharisees, "Use not vain repititions as the hea 
 then do; for they think they shall be heard for their much 
 speaking." By the bye, the heathen with us, that is, the 
 savages of North America, are not long speakers. They 
 call it a talk, it is true; but it is raised above a common con 
 versation. And they are not tedious speakers; short, clear, 
 and pithy, are the characteristics of their eloquence. 
 
 The heathen! Are the Gentile nations here meant, that 
 bordered on Judea, or does it refer to redundance of the Greek 
 and Roman eloquence ? The loquacious Greek was proverbial. 
 When a language becomes copious, the speakers become ver 
 bose. 
 
 But the lawyers will say, how can we help it? The client 
 will have talk for his money. He purchased his plantation by 
 the acre; he sells his wheat by the bushel; or, if a shopkeeper 
 in the city, he measures tape by the yard. Omnia Deus dedit, 
 
 *The author, while in the legislature, was instructed by his con 
 stituents to support a loan office law, a wretched expedient against 
 the hard times and scarcity of money, then prevailing. He re 
 fused, at the expense of his popularity. The law was passed, and 
 only added to the evil, besides entailing on the state a long train of 
 cnibnrrassmrnfs. 
 

 MODERN CHIVALRY 
 
 says toe Latin scholar, numero, mensura, etpondere.* He will 
 have quantity, let what will go with the quality. For of that 
 he is not a judge. 
 
 I admit it is difficult to get a man to understand that the 
 cause is oftentimes won with judgment and silence, like the 
 game of chess. All depends upon the move. A client will say, 
 you ought to refund m? something, or take less than I prom 
 ised. You had no trouble. Or he will go away and say, law 
 yer M'Gonnicle took twenty dollars from me, and did not say 
 a word. 
 
 He was six hours on his feet, says a man coming from the 
 court. This sounds well, and it looks as if the man was a great 
 lawyer. So, that self-preservation is at the bottom of long 
 speaking. Or it is in accommodation to false opinion. 
 
 I admit some in all this. An advocate will occasionally find 
 himself under the necessity of saying more than is necessary, 
 in order to save appearances, and to satisfy his client, who is 
 not like the court and jury, weary of the harangue. 
 
 But this is not the great cause of prolixity. It has a deeper 
 root; it is a false style of eloquence that has been introduced, 
 and is become fashionable. I have asked Chief Justice Ship- 
 pen if he could trace the origin and progress of it. Is it im 
 ported or of domestic origin? He thinks it was introduced by 
 John Dickinson, who was an agreeable but a long-winded 
 speaker. At nisi prius, or at bar, in England, there was no 
 such thing. But whether there is or not, is of no account. 
 The thing ought not to be. 
 
 A lawyer must say everything that his ingenuity can sug 
 gest on the subject. The strongest reasons are not sufficient; 
 he must bring up the weaker. After throwing bombs he must 
 cast jackstones. 
 
 There is more sense in the common mind than is imagined; 
 and close thought in strong words will be understood, and a 
 few will suffice. Let the lawyer think more in his office. The 
 more he studies his case, the better will he understand it; and 
 the better he understands it, the fewer will be the words he 
 will need to explain it. 
 
 * God gave everything by rmmber, weight, ard measure. 
 
190 
 
 MODERN CHIVALRY. 
 
 The bar of this state is said to excel in legal knowledge; but 
 certainly is behind none in liberality of practice, and delicacy 
 in argument. In practice, no catches, or as the common peo 
 ple call it, snap judgments. This the meanest lawyer can do; 
 a rat can gnaw a bowstring of Philoctetes. 
 
 I will not say that hence arises wholly the prejudice against 
 lawyers. A prejudice against the liberal professions exists in 
 all countries ; or they are made the subjects of invective from 
 the occasional abuse of their privileges. "Woe unto you 
 lawyers," is a scriptural expression, and applies to the priests 
 among the Jews who were the interpreters of the law of Mo 
 ses. The physicians of all countries are said to kill people. 
 And as to advocates, they get no quarter in any country. 
 Wits will exclaim, even without ill will. Don Quevedo, a 
 Spanish writer, in his vision of hell, tells us, that he observed 
 a couple of men lying on their backs asleep in a corner, with 
 the cobwebs grown across their mouths. He was told these 
 were porters, and had been employed in carrying in lawyers, 
 but there had been no occasion for their services, for a century 
 past ; these cattle had come so fast of themselves that the 
 carriers had laid themselves up in the interval of business to 
 take a nap their. 
 
 As to the length of speaking, how can it be helped in advo 
 cates ? Not by any act of the legislature, constitutionally, at 
 least in criminal cases ; for it is provided by the constitution 
 that in criminal cases, the party shall be heard by himself and 
 his counsel. But this provision was not meant to exclude the 
 right in civil cases, which existed at common law ; but be 
 cause in capital cases, in the courts of criminal jurisdiction in 
 England, counsel was not allowed to the accused, except on 
 law points, arising on the trial. In civil cases the legislature 
 may change the law or modify it ; but I am not able to say 
 what regulation by an act of the legislature, might be expedi 
 ent; or what practicable by the courts themselves. The safest 
 and most easy remedy would be in the bar themselves ; culti 
 vating a style of eloquence of greater brevity, and endeavoring 
 to be more laconic in their speeches. 
 
 But hinting, as has been done with regard to the exuberance 
 
MODERN CHIVALRY. 191 
 
 of oratory at the bar, it is to be taken subject to the exception 
 of cases which cannot be considered in a few words, either 
 where the facts are complicated, and the evidence voluminous, 
 or where the law embraces a wide scope of argument. The 
 elocution in some cases, must be drawn from the law of 
 nature; the law of nations; the municipal law. Statutes, 
 commentaries, and decisions, must be examined at full length. 
 It is not half a day, nor a day, that will always suffice to do 
 justice to a question. The court themselves will stand in need 
 of the careful preparation, and the minute investigation of the 
 counsel. The bringing forward lucidly, and arguing a matter 
 well, is a great help to a court. It is doing for them what they 
 would have done for themselves, without their assistance. The 
 labor of the counsel is the ease of the court Many a mid 
 night thought is expended by the laborious lawyer, of which 
 the court feels the benefit and light which he throws upon 
 the subject of litigation. It is the 
 
 Kudis indigestaque moles, 
 
 of the unprepared, that wastes the most time. 
 
 It is the highest effort of a strong mind to condense, to ana 
 lyse, to reduce matter to its quintessence. Having taken a 
 comprehensive view of the whole horizon of the subject, the 
 men of talents collect the principals that govern and illustrate 
 the case. To state the press these, is the effort of the great 
 orator. To reduce to generals, and bring forward the result. 
 
 But in order to speak short upon any subject, think long. 
 Much reflection is the secret of all that is excelent in oratory. 
 No man that speaks just enough and no more, ever wearies 
 those that hear him. And that is enough which exhausts the 
 subject before the patience of the auditory. 
 
 There is such a thing as alarming the patience. A speaker 
 branches on his subject. It is all proper that this should be 
 done in his own mind. It is necessary that he should have a 
 system of argument, and a certain order of arrangement. 
 But I do not approve of an explanation of this, with firstlys, 
 eecondlys and thirdlys, up to tenthlys, showing as many heads 
 and horns as the beast in the Revolutions. I remember the 
 
192 MODERN CHIVALRY. 
 
 alarm which I have felt listening to a speaker in the pulpit, 
 when he has spread out the table of his doctrine into heads 
 and sections. When he had done with the first, that is well, 
 thought I. But then there is the second head ; will he be as 
 long upon that? Now if he had said, this point of doctrine 
 arises from the text, I would have heard it out without fore 
 casting in my mind that the ulterior divisions were to come yet. 
 It is not in the language of nature to have such compartments. 
 It is well enough in a book of didactic dissertation. For there 
 one caji lay down the volume, and amuse himself otherwise, 
 when he is weary. The Indian, in his talk, has an order in 
 his mind, and pursues it by the wampum belt, as the Catholic 
 says his prayers by his beads. That is not the secret of per 
 suasion, which does not steal upon the heart; and whatever 
 the effect in matters of judgment, may be the annunciation of 
 method, ib is unfavorable to all that interests the heart, and 
 governs the imagination. iTou will see no such thing in De 
 mosthenes or Curran. Cicero has something of it, but I 
 always thought it a blemish. Ars cst celare arlem, according 
 to Quintillian. 
 
 There is no such thing in the works of nature. Artificial 
 gardens sometimes present that view, but these are not in the 
 best taste; and is therefore studiously avoided in the modern 
 style of English gardening. The beauties of nature are 
 seized upon, concentrated and heightened. The hills, moun 
 tains, vales, and extensive plains, in nature, are distributed with 
 a beautiful variety. The stars of heaven, are not placed at 
 regular distances ; yet there is a concealed order and propor 
 tion everywhere. The mind becomes indifferent where there is 
 nothing that surprises and comes suddenly upon it. For this 
 reason the'English in their gardens, imitate nature, by avoid 
 ing formality and giving variety, and bringing within a small 
 compass the scattered beauties of nature. But this is not the 
 work of chance, even in the great original. There are laws 
 which govern everywhere. Even chance itself has laws, 
 which may even be subjected to calculation. * 
 
 * These two diopters, in which the author comes forward, propria 
 
MODERN CHIVALRY. 193 
 
 CHAPTER XXXIX. 
 
 In which the author treats of the ingratitude of republics towards 
 their public men. 
 
 THE ingratitude of a republic has, somehow or other, come 
 to be taken for a truth. It has come to be considered as ad- 
 
 persona, iright lead the reader to regret that he has not devoted him 
 self to writing grave and serious essays, on many subjects for which 
 his profound philosophic mind well qualified him. But his constant 
 apology is, that he did not write for the learned or well-informed, 
 but for the great masses of the people. While amusing these, he 
 supposed he could, as it were incidentally, introduce now and then 
 more solid matter. It is possible that sometime or other, these gems 
 will be taken from their present setting, and placed by themselves, 
 without anything to mar their brilliancy. 
 
 The war against law and religion is curiously exemplified by some 
 of the visionary, or rather wicked, doctrines of the present day, 
 among some societies in this country, although of foreign growth. I 
 have more than once heard the infamous idea of Prud-hon repeated, 
 that "property was robbery." In theory, those who maintain these 
 doctrines are robbers, although practically honest. But is it to be 
 expected that their disciples will evince the same contradiction be 
 tween their principles and practice? They will in general be found 
 materialists, not theorists or philanthropists. 
 
 There is nothing which is satirized by the author that approaches 
 to the infamy of the following, from Prud-hon : " God is fool. 
 ishuess, cowardice, hypocrisy, falsehood, tyranny, injustice ! God i^ 
 evil !- So long as humanity shall bow before an altar, so long wilt 
 humanity be reprobate. God depart ! away ! for from this day forth * 
 cured of my fear and become wise. I swear, my hand raised to heaven, 
 that thon art the executioner of my reason! " 
 
 And he swears this, with his hand raised to heaven, after denying 
 the existence of God ! O, man, of what follies art thou not capable j 
 of what contradictions and inconsistencies ! Let any man read the 
 foregoing, and say whether the author has underrated human nature, 
 or the intelligence of even this enlightened country. 
 
194 MODERN CHIVALRY. 
 
 mitted, that in a republic great services are forgotten, and 
 there is not a permanence of reward corresponding with the 
 acts done. Scipio, amongst others, is given as an instance of 
 this. I will examine the case of Scipio. And must here 
 remark, that he that would learn the virtues of a republic* 
 must read Livy, while the vices of despotism may be seen in 
 Tacitus. Without the contrast with the gloomy horrors of 
 despotism, we cannot comprehend the glories of the republic, 
 although exhibited in one so badly balanced. 
 
 The first mention wo have of Scipio by Livy, is in the 26th 
 Book ; where he tells us, that in that year Publius Cornelius 
 Scipio, to whom the cognomen of Africanus was given after 
 wards, was Curule Edile with Marcus Cornelius Cethegue; 
 setting up for the office, the Edile-ship, the tribune of the peo 
 ple opposed him, denying that he had a right to be a candidate, 
 that the legitimate age had not arrived at which he had a right 
 to setup for this office. If, said he, the quirites, the Roman peo 
 ple, choose to make me Edile, I have years enough on my side! 
 This was appealing from established laws to the people, who 
 had the power to depart from the rules they themselves had 
 laid down. It is true he ' was carried; but such premature 
 aspiring to the honor, laid the foundation of much dislike in 
 the breasts of his superiors in age, and whose pretensions 
 were prior, from standing and services. It is unsafe to obtrude 
 oneself upon the public, but rather to wait until called for. 
 In the smallest occurrences of life, a mind of sensibility will 
 feel the indelicacy of taking place or precedence to which it 
 is not entitled. A thinking mind, not blinded by ambition, 
 will see the imprudence of it. What is called politeness 
 learns to put on the appearance of this discretion; and when 
 we are about to enter a room, it is but decency and good man 
 ners to give way to age. In setting up for an office in a 
 community, what difference? The principle lies deep in hu 
 man nature, and is the same. It is felt by age as a wrong 
 done, when juniors push themselves forward and make their 
 way before their time. Even those of equal age feel resent 
 ment, and hate the suocesful adventurer. If they cannot 
 show it at the present moment, it will one day break out. 
 
MODERN CHIVALRY. 195 
 
 In offering himself as a general o carry on the war in Spain, 
 theie was less reason, or perhaps none at all, to accuse Scipio 
 of presumption, in offering himself to succeed his father, who 
 had fallen in that war; and in addition to this his uncle had 
 also fallen, which could not but stimulate him to revenge the 
 death of these relations; and at the same time on account of 
 the bloody nature of that war, there was no one offering 
 himself for that service. To season my book with a little salt 
 of Latin, I will give the words of Livy: "Cum alii alium 
 nominaverunt, postremo eo decursum est, ut populus procon- 
 suli creando in Hifpaniam comitia haberet, diemque comitiis 
 consoles edixerunt, Primo expectaverunt, ut qui se tanto 
 imperio dignos crederent, nomina profiterentur. Quo u* 
 destituta expectatio est, radintegratus luctus accepto cladis, 
 desideriumque imperium amissorum. Massta igitur csertas, 
 prope inops consilii. Comitiorum die tamen in campum 
 descendit, atque in magistratus versi circumspectant ora 
 pricipium aliorum alios intuentium, fremuntque adeo per- 
 ditas, desperatumque de respublica esse, ut nemo audeat in 
 Hispaniam imperium accipere. Cum subito Publius Cornelius, 
 Publii filius, quatuor ferme et viginti annos natus, professus 
 se petere in superiore, unde conspici posset, loco constitit." 
 
 I shall drop the Latin, lest I should be accused of pedantry 
 in the language of persons who pride themselves for their 
 skim-surface learning, by imposing the term of pedantry on 
 all quotations of the classics in the original language; and for 
 good reason, because they do not undersand it. But in order 
 to introduce the further English, I translate some part of what 
 has gone before. It is then to this effect: 
 
 "It was deliberated whom they (the Roman people) should 
 choose to send as general to Spain. At first they waited until 
 those who should think themselves worthy of so great a com 
 mand, should declare themselves; and no one coming forward 
 on account of the bloody service, and the danger of the war, 
 suddenly Publius Cornelius Scipio, the son of tho Publius who 
 had fallen in Spain, now near the age of twenty-four years, 
 professed himself a candidate for that trust; standing on a 
 higher ground from whence he could be seen, upon whom, 
 
196 
 
 MODERN CHIVALRY. 
 
 when the eyes of all were turned, he was received with a shout 
 and with favor ; and a vote instantly taken, he was unani 
 mously elected." 
 
 "But," continues the historian, "Scipio was not only admi 
 rable for his real virtues, but (arte quoque quadam) of a 
 certain cunning, or craft, from his early youth, fashioned to 
 the ostentation of these virtues; alleging amongst the multi 
 tude a number of things which he had seen in visions by night, 
 or had been revealed to him from heaven, by impressions on 
 his mind; whether it was that he himself had been affected 
 by some degree of superstition, or that he feigned those things 
 that his orders and counsels might be obeyed without delay, 
 as being inspired and sent from an oracle. Moreover, from 
 the very beginning, preparing the public mind from the time 
 he took up the Toga Virilis, no day passed that ho undertook 
 any public or private business, before he went into the capitol 
 and entering into the temple, sat down, and for the most part 
 alone in a secret place, there wore out a length of time. This 
 custom of his, which was preserved by him through his 
 whole life, whether designedly or heedlessly, procured with 
 some a faith of his being a man of a divine stock; and 
 revived the report first published respecting Alexander the 
 Great, for vanity and fable alike, that he had been conceived 
 from the embrace of a huge serpent, and that an appearance 
 of that prodigy had often been seen in his mother's chamber ; 
 and that at the approach of men, it had always coiled itself 
 up and slipped away out of sight. Credit to these miracles 
 was never disclaimed by himself, but rather increased by a 
 certain art of neither denying nor affirming anything of this 
 nature openly. Many other things of the same kind, some 
 true, some pretended, exceeded the limit of human admiration 
 in that young man; relying on which alone, the state entrusted 
 such a weight of things, and such a command to so young a 
 . person." 
 
 We see in this portraiture of Seipio the exact prototype and 
 counterpart of some candidates for offices amongst ourselves. 
 There is the same hypocrisy, though in a different way accom 
 modated to the religion of the times. There is said to be more 
 
MODERN HITALRT. 197 
 
 of this in the northern states; because religion there, in Con 
 necticut especially, called the land of steady habits, is more 
 fashionable, and the government itself is, not in constitutional 
 appearance, but de facto a hierarchy. They tell me that no 
 man can be elected to an office there, without the previous 
 approbation and favor of the priesthood. Not that I find fault 
 with this, if I was always sure that good morals alone and 
 sincere piety, and not compliments or gifts to the pastor, were 
 the criterion of his predilection. In the western and southern 
 states there is not so much to be gained by playing off tba 
 grimace of religious appearances; yet in some places there is 
 still something of this procuration: and what generous mind 
 is there that will not feel a diminution of respect for such as 
 take these means to advance themselves?* What need we 
 wonder, therefore, if at a distant day, and after he had per 
 formed great services, we find a latent ill-will break out 
 against Scipio, which had been sown at this early period, by 
 the indignation implanted in the breasts of competitors for 
 fame and elevation? nay, an indignation by the wise and good, 
 at the arts by which the populace had been managed, for a 
 private purpose and individual ambition? Why need we 
 wonder, if at an advanced age, even though a good use had 
 been made of this ill-gotten power, or power, gotten 
 by unfair means, we should find charges against Scipio, and 
 prosecutions founded, not in the truth of the accusations, but 
 in the memory of the ways and means by which he had 
 
 * On reading Livy, one cannot but be forcibly struck with the 
 constant intermingling of religious with civil and military affairs. 
 There can be no doubt, that in general it was turned to good uses; 
 but it was at times perverted to bad purposes, as is the case at the 
 present day with Christianity. It proves, however, that even a child 
 ish superstition, such as the Roman belief, was better than nothing. 
 But we often read of the sublime appeals of the heathens, to the jus 
 tice and vengeance of the gods, especially in their solemn oaths in 
 support of treaties, and in their imprecations on wicked and faithless 
 acts. We often witness morality under the sanction of divine power. 
 It was observed by Franklin, "If men are go bad with all the 
 religion they have, wha* would they be without any? " 
 
 16* 
 
193 
 
 MODERN CH1TALKT. 
 
 unduly acquired popularity, and tha suffrages of the people ? 
 After great success in Spain, and his return to Rome, the 
 war being concluded, when, says the historian, men carried it 
 in report, that extra sortem, or out of his lot, the province of 
 Africa wag destined for Scipio, and "he himself, not content 
 with moderate glory, said that he had been declared consul, 
 not to carry on the war, but to finish it, which could not oth 
 erwise be done than by transporting the army into Africa : 
 and he openly said that he would accomplish that by the peo 
 ple, in other words the populace, if the senate opposed it; and 
 when that proposition was not pleasing to the primore of the 
 fathers, and there were others who through fear or ambition 
 were muttering; and quintus Fulvius, being asked his opinion, 
 spoke upon the occasion." 
 
 I will not take the trouble of translating this speech. But, 
 for the sake of those that cannot be supposed to understand 
 the learned languages, nor from whom such skill ought to be 
 expected, ladies or gentlemen not bred to a profession, and 
 farmers and mechanics, I will give the scope of it, viz: That 
 he was opposed to the carrying the war into Africa. Scipio, 
 on the other hand, spoke in favor of the measure, and sup 
 ported his pretensions to the command. This speech was not 
 favorably received; but it being pretty generally made known 
 that if he could not carry his point with the senate, to have 
 Africa decreed to him, he would instantly bring it before the 
 people. Therefore Quintus Fulvius, who had been four times 
 consul and censor, demanded of Scipio, that he would openly 
 say in the senate whether he would leave it to the fathers to 
 determine respecting the provinces and would abide by their 
 determination, or would carry it before the people. Scipio 
 answered that he would do what was for the interest of the 
 republic. Then, said Fulvius, it was not because I did not 
 know what you were about to answer, and what to do, that I 
 asked you, when it was evident that it was your object rather 
 to feel than to consult the senate; and if we did not immediately 
 decree to you the province which you wished, you have your 
 appeal at hand. Therefore I demand of you, tribunes of the 
 people, continued he, that though I do not give my opinion 
 
MODERN CIUVAI.RV. Q 
 
 which notwithstanding it may be carried, the consul is not 
 about to ratify, you will be my support. Thence a contention 
 arose, when the consul (Scipio) denied that it was proper 
 that the tribunes should interfere, but that every senator 
 being asked his opinion, should give it in his place. The 
 tribunes so decreed, that if the consul leaves it to the 
 senate to determine concerning the provinces, it is proper to 
 sband to that which the senate has determined, nor will we 
 suffer it to be brought before the people. But if he does not 
 leave it to the senate, we shall support him who shall refuse to 
 give his opinion. Thus it was left by the tribunes to Scipio 
 himself, to say whether he would leave it to the senate. Scipio 
 carried his point, but very far from being to the satisfaction of 
 every one; not that they thought him unequal to the trust but 
 that honors were heaped upon him with too great rapidity. 
 
 This war with the Carthagenians being finished, and a gen 
 eral about to be chosen for that against Antiochus, whom 
 Hannibal had stirred up against the Romans, it was with great 
 address and management that he procured to himself the 
 command. In fact, he could not in name, as he was not then 
 in the consulship, and so Asia could not be decreed to him as 
 a province. Lucius Cornelius Scipio, his brother, was one of 
 the two consuls at the time. Caius Laelius was the other con 
 sul, and having great interest in the senate, wished it to be 
 left to them to designate the provinces, saying it would be a 
 genteeler thing (elegantius) to leave it to the senate than to be 
 drawing lots for the choice. Lucius Scipio, having got a hint 
 from his brother, the great Scipio, agreed to it. It was to the 
 no small astonishment of Lselius, who was sure of being ap 
 pointed to Asia, which was his choice, that Publius Africanus, 
 as he was then called, declared that if Lucius, his brother, 
 was chosen, he would serve under him as lieutenant. 
 
 It could not be resisted, so great was his reputation with the 
 people for his victories over the Carthagenians and Hannibal, 
 whom he was sent once more to encounter. But this did not 
 ? ail to make Laelius his enemy, and all his connections and 
 particular friends. Besides it was a proof of an ambition that 
 could not be satisfied. For though Lucius had the command 
 
200 MODERN CHIVALRY. 
 
 nominally, yet it was evident that Publius had the actual com 
 mand, and it was under that idea, that out of his course he 
 had obtained it. It was, in fact, an evasion of the law, and 
 an invasion of the equal rights of the Roman nobility, all of 
 whom were emulous of glory in their turn. 
 
 What wonder that on the return of the Scipios, notwith 
 standing the war had been successfully terminated, there were 
 accusations against them. That of having embezzled the 
 public money, or converted to their own use the treasure taken 
 from Antiochus, was the charge that was finally fixed upon as 
 the ground of his impeachment before the people. Not, it is 
 to be presumed, that there was anything in the charge, but 
 because it was most likely to be believed, and to affect the 
 accused. For it is not to be inferred from their not appearing 
 to answer the charge that they were guilty, but that seeing the 
 prejudice against them, they despaired of a fair trial. When 
 the day came, having prevailed so far as to get the trial put off, 
 Publius withdrew into exile; Lucius, the younger brother, 
 who had been the highest in command, though but nominally, 
 pretending sickness, did not appear. 
 
 Scipio (Africanus) withdrew to Liternum, and nothing more 
 was said about him. There he spent his life without any wish 
 to return to the city; and when dying gave orders that he 
 should be buried there in that very place, that he should not 
 have his funeral in his ungrateful country. 
 
 It is a pretty strong presumption against the character of 
 Scipio, that Marcus Portius Cato, the censor, as remarkable 
 for courage as integrity, was his enemy,- and during his life, 
 did not cease to inveigh against his ambition, though not 
 until the death of Scipio, did it appear what enemies he had, 
 whose indignation, says the historian, burst out, which had been 
 in some degree concealed before. There must have been a 
 cause for this; and what do we find in his life, but his taking 
 precedence of others, and grasping at command out of season 
 and turn. This will never be borne in a republic, where the 
 human mind has free play to show itself, and talents ought to 
 have a fair chance for office and appointment. It is a robbery 
 to -engross as .to number, or to usurp prematurely by intrigue, 
 
MODERN CHIVALRY. 201 
 
 or those arts that take the populace; such as have recourse to 
 these, even though they achieve great actions, have no right to 
 complain of ingratitude from their country, when notwithstand 
 ing what they have done, the ways and means begin to be con 
 sidered by which they usurped the opportunity of doing them, 
 to the injury of other great minds, who might have shown 
 equal talents and accomplished the same things. It is sapping 
 all foundation of republican equality and right, to countenance 
 this. It is very possible that a certain public character, whom 
 I could name, would have made an abler President than Thos. 
 Jefferson. But the Presidency was not intended for him, 
 and it was a fraud upon the electors not instantly to have 
 disclaimed competiton. We have seen in what manner the 
 not having done so, injured his reputation, and in my opinion 
 deservedly. It has prevented him from rising to the elevation 
 of the Presidency, which I am confident in four years he would 
 have attained. But had he attained that elevation at the time 
 he attempted it, and performed even great services, it is not 
 improbable but that the strong indignation of those affected 
 would have followed him ; nor would he have good reason to 
 complain of the ingratitude of his country, if they had ulti 
 mately wrought him a mischief. 
 
 CHAPTER XL. 
 
 1 lie Captain sets out. The two judges. Teague takes the place 
 of one, after a sage lecture on the subject of duties. 
 
 THE Captain being obliged to leave the village, not as here 
 tofore, on a voluntary excursion, but in the character of an 
 exile, was accompanied, as usual, by the bog-trotter, and with 
 several others of the village, who were willing to share his 
 fortunes in some new establishment. Amongst these were the 
 blind lawyer and fiddler, Clonmel, the ballad singer, the Latin 
 school-master, O'Fin, an Irishman, Tom the Tinker, and 
 others ; the Captain mounted, the rest, with the exception of 
 

 202 MODERN CHITAT-RT. 
 
 the blind lawyer, on foot. They had a paek horse or two to 
 carry provisions and baggage, while each footman had hia 
 knapsack or wallet or his back. Thus marshalled, they set out 
 for the far settlements of the west, near the head of the Ohio 
 river. 
 
 After two days' travelling, they came to a town, where 
 judges and lawyers continued yet to be tolerated. Nevertheless 
 two judges just before, had been driven from the bench, owing 
 to a fracas that had happened on the bench itself, between 
 them arid which took its rise from a difference relative to 
 idiom and dialect of language. The one was a Scotch gentle 
 man, and spoke with the Saxon pronunciation, which is still 
 that of the north of England and the south of Scotland. The 
 other was a native of France, and had acquired the English 
 language after his arrival in this country, some years before. 
 
 The Scotch judge found fault with the gallicisms of his 
 French associate, and said he did na' like the accent, and that 
 it was an error to bring it on the bench. That it did na' be 
 hoove the French judge to open his mouth to give a charge, 
 especially to a grand jury, wi' sic' a dialec' upon his gab. 
 
 The French judge seemed to think that his gallicisms were 
 as good as the other's patois or Scoticisms; and observed that 
 the French language had a footing in the courts and was even 
 the language of the law itself, at a very early period. A great 
 part of the law of the tenure of real property came from the Nor 
 mans, who were French; that England became almost a French 
 country under William the Conqueror; that the terms de la loi, 
 or k\w phrases, are vestiges of French to this day C'estui que 
 use; in pleadings, ne unque accouple en loyal matrimonie; 
 autre fois acquit ; tout terns prit ; and many others. Are there 
 any vestiges of broad Scotch in the law books? 
 
 Aye, quoth the Scotch judge, the law was Saxon before it 
 was French, and it is time that it should come back to the 
 Saxon again. Ye sha' na' deliver a charge on this bench, 
 unless ye adap' your language to the state of society, and speak 
 plain English or Saxon ; for they are a' the same thing, an' ha' 
 the same privilege in a' courts of justice. 
 
 The French judge began to address the jury, when the 
 
r. 203 
 
 Scotch judge interrupted and called a constable to take him 
 down frae the bench. The consequence was, they came to 
 blows, to the scandal of the administration of justice, and 
 both had to quit the bench. The people were then looking 
 out for other judges; but as they could not agree on any one 
 among themselves, they resolved to take the first stranger who 
 came along. The lot fell on the caravan. The Captain made 
 mention of the blind lawyer whom he had in company, but 
 they were unwilling to have a blind man. They wished to 
 have a perfect judge, or one at least in possession of all his 
 outward senses. He then proposed the bog-trotter; stating 
 that he had been in request for that promotion, before they 
 had set out from the midland country. 
 
 The offer was accepted, and Teague was made a judge, and 
 took his seat upon the bench. 
 
 The Captain had determined with himself, that he would 
 oppose the advancement of this Teague O'Kegan no more, 
 having got so much ill-will by it ; but being a prudent con 
 scientious man, he thought it not amiss to put him under tho 
 care of the blind lawyer, or for some time to give him instruc 
 tions for the office, which at least could do him no harm, if it 
 did no good. Accordingly the lawyer took him in tow, and 
 began as follows : 
 
 Teague, said he, you are arrived to honor and emolument, 
 which some of your betters have deserved and could not obtain. 
 However, "time and chance happeneth to all men." You are 
 now on the seat of justice, and it remains for you, if possible, 
 to qualify yourself for it. For I take it, you are yet to begin 
 to obtain the requisites for the discharge of that trust. Now I 
 have no idea that you can acquire legaJ knowledge. That is 
 out of the question. Nor do I thick it possible that you can 
 ever attain the first elements of jurisprudence. But this is not 
 absolutely necessary upon the bench, more than at the bar. I 
 have known a judge upon a bench, whom I would not trust 
 with the value of a hob-nail, in a case of mine. It would be a 
 substitute for sense if you could cite cases. But you have not 
 even cases to cite, ancL call authorities. You must therefore 
 begin a peg lower, and content yourself with the saving ap- 
 
204 MODERN CFIYALRT. 
 
 pearances, merely personal. Your gait must be steady; your 
 demeanor slow; gravity is a great cover for stupidity; stupid 
 ity, indeed, supplies the place of and inmost cases gives gravity. 
 But still it is to be cultivated. You must wear spectacles, to 
 make people think you can read. If you do not take notes, 
 yet seem to take them ; for it is the fashion of the time to be a 
 great note taker. At least talk of your notes; that will pass 
 for taking them. The Areopagi took no notes, for they sat in 
 ihe night, and had no candle-light. And justice herself is said 
 to v be blind, and can take no notes. But note taking is now 
 the main part of the qualification of a judge; so that if you 
 do not take notes, you must seem to take them. I myself had 
 I been appointed a judge, would have had to scratch a little. 
 But it would not be impossible for you, as you have your eye- 
 eight, to learu to write abracadabra tantantarara, and pass 
 them for notes. However if you cannot acquire all excellen 
 cies, you can avoid some defects. You can give attention and 
 seem to understand what is said in argument, though it be 
 impossible that you should understand a syllable. It is a 
 great indelicacy for a gentleman to refuse his ear, or to show 
 himself inattentive in private conversation. But in a judge it 
 is intolerable, when you are to decide upon a point which is 
 argued with much earnestness at the bar, and where the 
 counsel expect at least that you will hear them, even if you do 
 not decide in their favor. For when they are heard, and sat 
 isfied they are understood, they are disposed to be content. 
 The greatest virtue in a judge, after being a good judge, is to 
 be a good listener. But it is an error of which I hope you 
 will not be capable, to interrupt the argument by matters of 
 your own concern. As for instance, when the advocate is at 
 the pinching point of his reasoning, to call out for the crier to 
 bring you something. You will see the advocate, in such a case, 
 turn and writhe himself, and show in his countenance the 
 irritation that he feels. But he is obliged to resume his ora 
 tory and go on, saying your honor, and he would rather say, 
 "cannot you take advantage of a pause to call for what you 
 want?" It is mentioned of Lord Cansden, that he was in all 
 respects the most correct of men in his treatment of the bar, 
 
MODERN CHIVALRY". 205 
 
 save that he would sometimes, in the middle of an argument, 
 stoop down to garter up his stockings. 
 
 It is dangerous in a judge to attempt wit, especially if he 
 has none. There are few that have the talent ; and it is not 
 every one that knows that he has it not. It will be your best 
 way to attempt nothing of the kind; but preserve gravity and 
 an imposing air of austerity. For as far as I can learn from 
 the Captain, you are not happy at a bon mot. But you must 
 be careful of your mind itself, that it be not rendered vain by 
 being called your honor. If the bar discover that you are 
 weak on this head, they will plaster you with your honor, 
 your honor, and your honor. They will be careful also to 
 say, the "learned judge," and this the more unlearned they 
 think you are; and especially when they mean to impose 
 upon you sophism for argument, and false construction for 
 solid deduction and conclusion. The "learned judge upon 
 the bench;" when at the same time they will be at a loss to 
 say whether they think you or the bench you sit upon, the 
 most destitute of sense and understanding. You must avoid 
 invitations to dine, which is a mode of obtaining favor "with 
 a judge; for as to direct attempts to bribe a judge, that is a 
 thing as yet unheard of in this country. 
 
 A man that has been behind the S3ene knows how much 
 must pass forjiothing, of all that apparent deference which is 
 paid to the understanding of a judge. For the counsel of 
 delicacy and refined manners, will pay this respect to the 
 office, on a principle of good breeding, and what becomes the 
 profession ; others will do the same thing, and perhaps overdo 
 it, from motives of prudence, and to gain a point with the court. 
 There is trick in all trades, and there is craft in the craft, if I 
 may use a pun on this occasion. 
 
 But you have never been behind the scene, and have no 
 experience of this play upon travellers, and managing the 
 weaknesses of man. You are but a young judge, and likely 
 to be lifted up with vanity, from your sudden elevation. Be 
 cause you sit a little higher than the bar and the suitors ; for 
 the bench is usually raised a little, you associate your situa 
 tion with yourself; thence comes arrogance and insult. 
 16 
 
206 MODERN CiiiVALRl'. 
 
 ' : Man, vain m=ui, dress'd in a little brief authority." 
 But it will be necessary that you maintain order and support 
 authority ; because otherwise the court will become a bear 
 garden, and intolerable to the practitioner. Rudeness must 
 be repressed, and petulance overawed. Interruption and 
 bluster cannot be endured. Rules of priority as to the right 
 of motion and order of speaking, must be enforced. In ques 
 tioning or cross-questioning a witness, the modest and obser 
 vant advocate must be permitted to proceed without distur 
 bance. All these things, your own good sense, if you have 
 any sense, good or bad, must teach you to consider and apply. 
 
 Be me sowl, said the bog-trotter, but I will take de poker to 
 dem, and give dem over de nose wid a shelalah, if dey make 
 any spaches out of deir turn, in my hearing. It was better 
 for dem dey were digg'm turf in Lough Swilly. I'll give 
 dem a taste of de same kind of trial dat Paddy give 
 
 That will not do, said the blind lawyer; you must call a 
 constable, and commit for misbehavior. It will be descending 
 from your dignity to take a cowskin or cudgel in your hand ; 
 nor does the law warrant it. "All things must be done de 
 cently and in order." You can lay your hands upon no man 
 yourself; it must be by your officers that you execute the laws. 
 The sheriff is at hand, the coroner with his rod, or the consta 
 ble with his staff. These are the ministers of the law in your 
 hands to keep the peace. You can only act by warrant of au 
 thority, or what is called a precept. You must not descend 
 from the bench, to join the posse in running after a criminal. 
 
 The bog-trotter thought it hard that he could not take a staff 
 from a constable, and share in de fun wid de rest. But he was 
 disposed to submit to the restriction since it seemed to be the 
 practice of tlie court. He inquired, however, whether it might 
 not be allowable to take a batabuoy to de officer or sarvant of 
 de court, if he did his duty slowly, so as to break de patience 
 of de lawyers, and be waiting for him. 
 
 As to this, the lawyer gave him the proper information^ 
 And "here endeth the first lesson." 
 
MODERX eillYALRT. 207 
 
 r 
 
 CHAPTER XLI. 
 
 Containing a few words for the critic. 
 
 IT may seem to shock all credibility, that Teague should 
 have a seat upon the bench. 
 
 " Ficta, voluptatis causa sint proxima veris." 
 
 This is a maxim of the critic, and founded in the principles 
 of human nature. For a just taste does not relish what is 
 incredible. But why should it be thought incredible, that 
 Teague should be a judge? Or why distrust his capacity, 
 since he had a commission? On the death of attorney Noy, 
 the author of the maxims, we have the following anecdote: 
 Dining with the Chancellor, it was lamented by some that 
 such a loss had happened ; what will the king do for an At* 
 torney General ? 
 
 When the company were gone, said the valet to the Chan 
 cellor, why need you be at a loss for an Attorney General? I 
 will be Attorney General. 
 
 You Attorney General! Are you fit for Attorney General? 
 Let the king give me a commission, said the valet, and I 
 will see who will dare say that I am not fit for it. 
 
 There is certainly a great deal in a commission, and the 
 possession of power. I was early struck with this, in seeing 
 the respect paid to the opinion of a man made a justice of the 
 peace, when none had been paid before ; and yet the commis 
 sion had but very little increased his law knowledge ; or, in 
 fact, had left it just where it was some degrees below zero. 
 
 It may be thought that I mean to undervalue in a judge, the 
 faculty of taking notes. On this head I will explain myself. 
 Certain it is, that the taking notes detracts from the exercise 
 of memory; but much more from the exercise of understand 
 ing. The mind is divided, and the a3t of putting upon paper, 
 detracts something from the operation of putting in the head. 
 ^The mechanical and intellectual are at variance, and in some 
 
 
, 208 itODERN CHIVALRY. 
 
 degree, however imperceptible, destroy each other. The 
 revolution and opposition of forces, produce a line in a 
 diagonal direction. It is impossible that the man who writes 
 can more than half think. All those relations and combina 
 tions of ideas that present themselves, and are managed by him 
 at his ease, when he gives his whole mind, are lost in part or 
 have not justice done them, when they are to be recovered and 
 adjusted, from the partial hints that can, in the meantime be 
 thrown upon paper. A note taker and a thinker, on the bench, 
 might be of use. The thinker to look over the notes and assist 
 himself afterwards. The note taker not to think at all, but to 
 mind his pen. At the bar, it was my way to take in a writer, 
 where I had command of the cause; but it was understood 
 between us, that he was to confine himself to his province for 
 the time being, and neither speak nor think. 
 
 In the history of ancient oratory, tribunitial or judicial, do 
 we meet with anything on note taking? In Cicero de Oratore 
 have we anything? Has Quintilian a chapter on the subject? 
 No man can be an orator who dissipates his mind with taking 
 notes. It is a qualification, at the bar or on the bench, ex 
 tremely subordinate. Nevertheless, I do not mean to exclude 
 jt altogether. A skeleton of the cause must be preserved for 
 the sake of a reserved point, a motion for a new trial, or in 
 arrest of judgment. It is that full body of the evidence to 
 which I object. If it is in paper, it wastes the time of tho 
 country to copy ; and if oral, it turns the judge into a mehanic 
 to take down. It is not necessary for the purposes of justice, 
 to have all that comes out in a cause put upon paper. There 
 is seldom more than a single particular in the testimony of a 
 witness that affects the cause. It is the height of ability to select 
 and take this down. The late Chief Justice, the Governor, 
 had this talent. I have heard the present Chief Justice speak 
 of it with admiration. The present Chief Justice (Shippen) 
 himself possesses it in a high degree; perhaps hits the medi 
 um perfectly. 
 
 It is in the case of jury trial, that my exception chiefly lies 
 to length of note taking, when the examination of a witness is 
 delayed until the judge or the counsel takes down; and the 
 
MODERN CHIVALRY. 
 
 209 
 
 mini of the judge, carried off from the hearing of the evidence, 
 is not so well prepared to give his charge, which ought to con 
 sist of the resulting points of the controversy, and not a sum 
 ming up of the evidence, for that is supposed to have been done 
 by the counsel, or by the jury in their own minds. But a man 
 that is writing all the time the counsel are speaking, can but 
 half think. But these strictures must be taken ''with a grain 
 of salt;" and it is not to be supposed that I would dispense 
 with note taking altogether in the case, especially of the pre 
 siding judge. On a motion for a new trial, some detail of the 
 case is necessary for those who have not tried tke cause. On 
 an argument upon a law point, where the decision is not imme 
 diately to be made, and the notes are taken for the purpose of 
 examination of the books, it is immaterial of what length, 
 because the counsel are not stopped by the impediment of 
 clerkship. 
 
 I had forgot to mention in its proper place, that though the 
 people objected to the taking the blind lawyer as a judge, yet 
 they agreed that he might be a clerk, and associate the blind 
 fiddler for his deputy. This arrangement being made, and 
 leaving Teague and the two others, who for the present only 
 encumbered the march through a rough country, and perhaps 
 with Indians in the way, the caravan proceeded on its course. 
 
 CHAPTER XLII. 
 
 The Quo-liee setl ement. The back-liters, not cannibals, as some 
 authors have asserted. 
 
 THE settlement in which they now were, was called the 
 back settlement; not because it was the farthest back, but 
 because it had been once the frontier. The name back, still 
 continued to be tacked to it, now when it had become the 
 midland country. The inhabitants of this country had be 
 come wits, and improved in manners, from society and inter 
 course. The females dressed better, because they could better af- 
 
210 
 
 MODERN CHIVALRY. 
 
 ford it than 'they had done years before. Their buildin gswere of 
 stone, or brick, or of sawed timber, framed, instead of round 
 or squared logs laid upon each other, as was the mode at an 
 early period. Nevertheless there was still a defect of judgment 
 in the construction of their houses, for the summer as well as 
 the winter seasons. They were placed, in most cases, as they 
 ought to be, fronting the south; but without perforations or 
 a passage for the air, by means of windows from the west to 
 the east. On the contrary, many of them had what they call 
 wings; and these placed at the east and west ends. The en 
 tries were small, and the kitehen placed in a wing at the east 
 or west end of the house. Yet a little thinking on original 
 principles, would say that it ought to be at the northwest of 
 tha building, to oppose the storm which comes from that quar 
 ter in the winter; and because in the summer it obstructs no 
 breeze in that direction. But it is not lawyers or judges only 
 that are enslaved by precedent. They take care also to build 
 in a valley because it is near a spring head. But in the winter 
 the court yard is muddy, and in the summer they want air. 
 
 As they proceeded, the Quo-hee settlement lay upon the left. 
 This settlement takes its name from the Quo-hees, a nation of 
 Indians that inhabited the country, at the first discovery of 
 this part of America. The Munsees and Shawnees have a 
 like termination in the sound of their names, and these are 
 now the remains of nations that inhabit the countries on Lake 
 Erie and the Ohio river. Some fanciful writers, nevertheless, 
 attempt to give a derivation from another source; and think 
 that as this settlement is peopled chiefly with what is called 
 the Scotch Irish, so the name is derived from a phrase amongst 
 them, very common in their familiar discourse; quo' he, quo' 
 she, quo' they, &c. Quo/ they suppose to be an abbreviation 
 of quoth; that is, said he, said she, &G. Butler, in his Hudi- 
 bras, uses the word quoth in this sense: 
 
 Quoth he, there is one Sydrophel, 
 
 Whom I have cudgelled 
 
 Of this they boast, as a classical authority in their favor. 
 And doubtless, this etymology is strengthened by the names 
 of rivers in this country, such as the Susquehannoh, which is 
 
X CHIVALRY. 
 
 ill 
 
 a compound of sauce quo r Hannah; the name of a girl calling 
 out for sauce to her meat; and also from the Schuylkill, from 
 skull and kill. For what kills a man sooner than knocking 
 him on the head? But there is great uncertainty in etymology, 
 in deducing the origin of nations. Abarbanel, in his Jewish 
 Antiquities, fully evinces this. Also Spinazoli, in his Asiatic 
 researches, and others. But this is just as plausible and noth 
 ing more, with the hypothesis of some who conjecture that the 
 Allegheny mountains took their name from an English woman 
 of the name of Alley; as we say Alley Croker in the ballad. 
 That the Chesapeake was so called from a Welshman who 
 made use of cheese instead of an anchor; so that instead of 
 saying the anchor is a-peak, said the cheese is a-peake ; and 
 so fixed a nick-name on the bay. There are some local names 
 of subordinate rivers and smaller streams, in this particular 
 part of the country, that strengthen these conjectures. Augh- 
 wic is allied to Aughrim, which is a -place in Ireland. We 
 have heard of the Break of Aughrim, a place where the pro- 
 testanta were defeated. Macintanga, Macanoy, is evidently 
 Scotch, from the initial Mac, which signifies son, in the Erse. 
 Juniata is a compound of English and Irish. Johnny is Eng 
 lish; but ata, or atoy is Hibernian. I knew one Dennis A'Toy, 
 that used to mow for my father when I was a lad. 
 
 On the right hand of the route of the caravan, lay the Fooley 
 settlement. Etymologists and antiquarians are here at war 
 also. African travellers tell us of the Foola country in the 
 neighborhood of the Eitomba or Sierra Leone river. Winter- 
 bottom and Walls, late travellers, give a particular description 
 of it. The natives distinguish the year by moons. There is 
 the sweep-brush moon, from the way that wind blows; shun- 
 path moon, from the heat; the shako or harvest moon. The 
 time of day is distinguished by "the sup going into the water," 
 that is evening; "the sun in the bush," that is night, &c. 
 Their epochs are a town burnt, or settlement destroyed. 
 
 The burree, or palaver house, is the seat of justice, where all 
 causes, civil or criminal, are decided. The test of innocence 
 is the drinking red water without occasioning a qualm to the 
 stomach. A hot iron applied to the posteriors is also a test; 
 if the culprit does not grunt, he is safe. 
 
212 
 
 MODERN CHIVALRY. 
 
 The Mandingo country lies north of this, and signifies book 
 man, because there they read the Alcoran, and have schools. 
 In the Foola country, they have no schools, and cannot read. 
 
 Now, there are authors, \\ ho derive Fooley from Foola; and 
 think that this settlement mutt have been peopled by a colony 
 of Africans, and hence derive the name. It is true they have 
 seats of justice, and palaver houses, where the lawyers plead. 
 Jury trials are in use; and in this mode of administering jus 
 tice it is not the accused that is tortured, but the judge and the 
 jury. This is not by drinking red water, which is a composi 
 tion of the bark of trees of an emetic quality; but by drinking 
 nothing at all, or eating either, until twelve of them are all of 
 one opinion; which, to render more difficult, the palaverers, 
 the lawyers are allowed to address them a whole day, or longer, 
 previously, on different sides of the question or fact, so as to 
 "perplex and dash their counsels." There are what are called 
 j udges also, who preside, and these are allowed to give differ 
 ent opinions on the case. The jurors being puzzled, are L ordered 
 off under the care of a constable, with a staff like a weaver's 
 beam, and he is to keep them together without meat or drink, 
 unless with leave of the court, and without speaking to any 
 one until they all become exactly of the same mind.* 
 
 * Somewhat modified in Pennsylvania, of late, by this addition to 
 theoalh "unless discharged by the court." The jury may be traced 
 to the Circassians where it still prevails; the number twelve and 
 unanimity essential to the verdict. In their councils unanimity is 
 requisite. They hold that where all are equal and sovereign, the 
 votes of two, or a hundred, are no better than one; for they are only 
 so many units equal with each other. This would prove that mere 
 majorities is an artificial and not a natural idea. It is an arbitrary 
 exercise of power, bnt convenient and necessary. The distinction 
 in the principle of power, between the eastern and western nations, 
 is as marked as between day and night. The first is the pure, con 
 centrated despotism of one person, or king; the other ia distributed 
 among the many, either individually or among associations or corpo 
 rations; often so much so, as to beincapble of necessary concentration 
 for practical purposes. Individuality and publicity, are the princi 
 pies of a republic, |while concentration and secrecy are those ot 
 monarchy, 
 
MODERN CHIVALRY. 213 
 
 Notwithstanding this consimilarity in tho manners, and the 
 resemblance in the sound, or speaking of the word Fooley, with 
 that of Foola, I cannot immediately accede to the idea that the 
 inhabitants came from Africa. Because there is no tincture of 
 the African complexion. There are negroes and mulattos 
 amongst them it is true, but the bulk of the inhabitants are of 
 a clear red and white. I take it that the word Fooley is de 
 rived from the word fool, which signifies devoid of sense, and 
 was applied to them, being originally a weak people, and still 
 continuing to exhibit marks of simplicity bordering upon folly. 
 Their credulity is amazing, and they are the constant bubble 
 candidates for office. They do not sell themselves as the Foo- 
 las; but they sell their votes; or rather give them away at the 
 elections, for whiskey or deceiving speeches, replete with the 
 words liberty and the rights of man. With such words the 
 politician baits his hook for the people, as in monarchies he 
 uses the phrases, sacred majesty, beloved sovereign, &c. 
 
 In the course of this day's journey, at the crossing of the 
 roads, the caravan fell in with a company of electioneerers, 
 who were coming from tho Fooley settlement, and had a num 
 ber along, taking them to the election ground, not far distant. 
 They were slapping them upon the shoulder; clapping them 
 upon the back; and saying come along my brave fellow, give 
 us your vota. How are the old people at home? How came 
 you to get that handsome girl for a wife? Is your crop good 
 this year? Come take a dram of this whiskey. How is it that 
 you do not set up for an office, and not be lying at home in the 
 ashes, supping cider, while we are obliged to go to the legisla 
 ture, and to fill offices, and keep you at your ease doing noth 
 ing? You must take your turn next year. This will never do. 
 Fair play is bonny play. It is too much to be always on duty. 
 Somebody must stand forward, or the people will be run down 
 by the lawyers, and the aristocracy, and gentry that wear silk l 
 stockings and hair powder. Liberty, equality; equal rights 
 to all; privileges to none; all mea are equal. That's the word! 
 Come, give us your vote, and here take a dram! 
 
 The Fooleys were all in good humor, exhibiting an abun 
 dance of broad grins. Not so in the Foola country on the 
 
214 MODERN CHIVALRY. 
 
 Sierra Leone river, where the inhabitants are sold or bought. 
 It is with great reluctance that they go into service; and some 
 tender scenes take place at the parting of parents and children. 
 It is there called slavery. Here it is called supporting liberty; 
 though it is sometimes sapping it, by putting folly into public 
 trust. 
 
 The Foolas, on the Sierra Leone, are spoken of by some 
 travellers, as cannibals; but I do not find an agreement upon 
 this head; and the supposition arises, I would presume, from 
 the purra, or state inquisition, which is amongst them, when 
 the bandoo woman denounces a culprit. The purra then, who 
 are state officers, take off the culprit, and he must drink red 
 water, or be subject to hot irons. If he shrinks in the experi 
 ment, he is carried away, and never more heard of- But this 
 affords no conclusive evidence that they eat him; anymore than 
 amongst the Fooleys in this settlement, who have been repre 
 sented by some as cannibals, and devouring one another; be 
 cause in their kuriouks, or churches, they are frequently 
 denounced by their priests as back-biters. This means slan 
 derers, and not that they feed upon the haunches of men like 
 venison. Such are the mistakes of superficial observers, and 
 credulous travellers; whose accounts writers copy, and publish 
 as facts, frequently without due examination. 
 
 CHAPTER XLIII. 
 
 It is an epoch in a man's life when lie puts on breeches. Tlie 
 second is when he goes to school; the third ivhen he gives his 
 vote* 
 
 IT is an epoch in the life of man when he puts on breeches. 
 The heart of the mother is glad when she sees her son run 
 about in pantaloons. A second era is the going to school' She 
 bids him be a good boy, and learn his book. It is the father's 
 
 * This is a short chapter, but every line of it deserves to be writ 
 ten in letters of gold. 
 
m 
 
 MODERN CHIVALRY. 215 
 
 business more especially, or at least the father has then more 
 to do with him, when he puts him to the plough, or to a trade, 
 or a profession. He gives him lessons and instructions of 
 industry and morale. 
 
 But when he comes to be his own man, at the age of twenty- 
 one, and has a right to vote at an election, what a change does 
 his situation undergo! What a right devolves upon him! I 
 may say a trust for the under age, and for posterity. What 
 honor attaches to his right! What delicacy ought to be used 
 in the exercise of it! 
 
 In the age of ancient chivalry, when the youth had como to 
 manhood, and was made a kaight, it was with matter of cere 
 mony, and his equipment was by the hand of a fair lady buck 
 ling on his armor, and inspiring him by her charms and her 
 sentiments, with a heroic sense of honor, and the scorn of all 
 that is false or mean. The chevalier of that day was a con 
 servator of the peace. His prowess was instead of laws. Now 
 the vote of the citizen takes place of the sword of the adven 
 turer. This is at the bottom of all order and subordination. 
 Shall the knight of the golden cross be free from stain in his 
 achievements, and shall a republican prostitute his vote, or 
 dishonor his standing in society, by bestowing it on the unwor 
 thy? Shall he give away his suffrage for a fair word, for a 
 dram of liquor, "for a mess of pottage ?" It is his birthright. 
 Shall he give his vote but on the principle of conscience and of 
 honor? Shall he decline his duty to present himself at the 
 election? How does he know but that upon his vote may de 
 pend the duration of the republic? Who can tell with what 
 particle of air a pestilence begins? And whether it is from a 
 quiescence of that particle that a stagnation of the atmosphere 
 ensues; or from its activity, by gas from the earth, that a hur 
 ricane is produced. A vote given wrong, or withheld, may 
 occasion ultimately a convulsion in the commonwealth. 
 
 But want of truth, artifice, fraud, meditated fraud in this 
 noblest of functions, the all of sovereignty, in a vote how dis 
 graceful, how criminal! And yet it is not always, or every 
 where, that this disgrace begins to. be attached to this most 
 flagitious of all knavery. If these strictures shall have the 
 
216 
 
 MODERN CHIVALRY. 
 
 effect to cultivate a sense of honor in our candidates and in our 
 voters, it will be worth while to have written the book. 
 
 CHAPTER XLIV. 
 
 IJie Lack-learning settlement. The inhabitants rise to oppose 
 their entrance, from a false rumor of their being men of 
 learning. 
 
 THEY were now entering the Lack-learning settlement, 
 where a great uproar had been made on account of their 
 coming. It had been given out that the company consisted of 
 scholars and lawyers. This, either from mistake, or the de 
 sign of wags, who liked to see misconception, even though it 
 occasioned mischief. A multitude had got together, with 
 sticks and stones, to obstruct the march into their country. 
 
 It was at the opening of a defile they were met, and could 
 proceed no farther. The Captaia himself advanced with a flag, 
 and with great difficulty obtained a parley and a conference. 
 Friends and countrymen, said he, what do yo mean? There 
 are no scholars amongst us, save a Latin schoolmaster, who has 
 left off the business, and is going to become an honest man, in 
 a new country. We have no lawyers; not a soul that has 
 ever been in a court, unless indeed as culprits, and to be tried 
 for misdemeanors; and that, I take it, is not likely to give 
 them a strong prejudice in favor of the administration of jus 
 tice. Here is Tom the Tinker, Will Watlin, Harum Scarum, 
 the duellist, O'Fin, the Irishman, and several others, that have 
 no predilection for scholarship. It will be but little learning 
 they will introduce among you. There is Clonmel, the ballad 
 singer; he can sing and make a ballad, that is, a song for a 
 ballad; but that is but a small matter. 
 
 After all, what harm could learning do you, provided that you 
 did not learn yourselves? The bears and the foxes of these 
 woods do not learn; but they do not hinder men to read books. 
 They have no objections to schools or colleges, or courts of 
 
MODERN ClllVALRT. 217 
 
 justice; because it does not prevent them running into holes, 
 or climbing upon trees. The racoons and squirrels can crack 
 nuts, maugre all our education and refinement. "Every man 
 in his humor," is the title of one of Ben Johnston's comedies. 
 If you do not find your account, or your amusement in literary 
 studies, what matters it if others do? Learning is not a thing 
 that will grow upon you all at once. It is a generous enemy ; 
 like a rattle- snake, it gives warning. The boy feels the birch 
 on his bottom, to make him learned. The man gets a head 
 ache, poring over books. In fact, it requires some resolution 
 and much perseverance to become learned. I acknowledge 
 that men were at first like beasts of the wood, and the fowls of 
 the air, without grammars or dictionaries; and it took a great 
 deal to bring them out of that state, and give them what is 
 called education, At the revival of letters in Europe, after 
 the dark ages, it was thought a great matter to get to be a 
 scholar. Peculiar privileges were attached. Hence what is 
 called the "benefit of clergy." 
 
 Te clerchy, said an honest German; te clerchy is te pickest 
 rokes from de two. An honest Sherman minister as knows 
 nottin is petter as tern. Te lawyers is worser as te tyvil, mit 
 tare pooks, and sheets te beeples for te money. Laming is 
 gute for nix, als to make rokes. It is all a gontrive to sheet te 
 beeples. 
 
 The demagogues amongst the multitude, who had excited 
 this opposition to learning and the learned, was a shrewd fel 
 low, and it was not that he was not sensible of the advantages 
 of learning, but because he was a sciolist himself, and did not 
 wish to lose his influence by the competition of a lawyer, or a 
 scholar, that he had excited this prejudice. According to the 
 old saying, "in the kingdom of the blind one-eyed people are 
 sovereigns/' But discovering that among this company, as 
 the Captian said, and which he could guess from the manners 
 and the countenance, there were no literati, or what the French 
 call savans, coming forward to to take a degree of the merid 
 ian, or explore antiquities; much less a corps of lawyers to 
 establish codes of jurisprudence, or introduce litigation, he 
 explained the matter to those around him, ard reconciled them 
 

 218 MODLHN CHIVALRY. 
 
 to the proposition of suffering them to pass through the coun 
 try. The Captain expressed his sense of the courtesy and op 
 portune assistance, towards the object of their progression; 
 and making him a present of half a gross of jews-harps for the 
 young people, proceeded without further molestation. 
 
 CHAPTER XLV. 
 
 Which contains "a bone to gnaw," for tlie demagogues. 
 
 THE demagogue of all times and countries, uses the same 
 arts. The laws are a standing butt of his invective. He can 
 not be a sage or a legislator; and therefore must find fault 
 with those that ara. The Athenian, Cleon, in his harrangues, 
 as given by Thucydides, is a perfect model of a demagogue. 
 I have not the book by me, or I would copy one to give a 
 specimen of his art. The oppression of the laws, and the 
 inequality of justice to the poor, are the usual themes of his 
 declamation. But where there are laws, there will be science ; 
 and science is the support of laws. Hence the hostility against 
 these at the same time. Even in the most savage state, that 
 nearest to nature, where brute strength or cunning prevails, 
 there must be inequality. Can any artificial order in society 
 procure a possible state of perfect equality in everything? 
 It is impossible. Can there be equality of property even? 
 One division must follow another. The cry will still be, divide, 
 divide, until all shall be equal in poverty and wretchedness ; 
 for there will be no individual industry. But now is the 
 time for men to be gathered in gregarious associations, or 
 Jesuit missions ; and will there be no prophet, like Rapp, or 
 other religious impostor, to overtop the rest, and give the lie 
 to equality? There is but one place where there is equality 
 that is in the grave. 
 
 The passion of the time changes, like the fashions of dress. 
 It is just the same principle that introduces the square toe in 
 place of the sharp ; that also makes it the rage to be a scholar, 
 
CHIVALRY. 
 
 219 
 
 or to be illiterate. But the change in the one case is not so 
 much felt as in the other. It is not attended with such exten 
 sive consequences. "Of making many books there is no end, 
 and much study is a weariness of the flesh." This is the lan 
 guage of a man that had been a great scholar and writer; be 
 cause in his experience it had not given perfect happiness, as 
 nothing will, he speaks in these terms. It is not meant to be 
 taken precisely as spoken ; and is no more than an expression 
 of the inanity of the noblest of all enjoyments the mental 
 gratification of making or reading a book. 
 
 I therefore think the Lack-learning people had been misled 
 in their prejudice against a literary education. At least, it is 
 my simple way of thinking, and I may be wrong. Admitting 
 this, I shall go on with my story. 
 
 CHAPTER XLVI. 
 
 The Mad-cap settlement. Harum Scarum challenges the beasts of 
 the forest- The Captain as a military man. TJie Mad-caps 
 are quieted by a ballad from Clonmel. The democrats. 
 
 PROVISIONS had begun to fail; and though they had a fire 
 arm or two in company, with a little amunition, yet nothing 
 had presented itself in these woods to take down and barbecue, 
 and they did not deem it prudent to detach one of the party 
 as a hunter, it being safer to keep together on the trail or 
 road. Harum Scarum was the commissary; but he could de 
 vise no ways and means of supplying food, unless by sending 
 a challenge to the game, and calling them out to a duel, where 
 they might be shot at pleasure. 
 
 It was thought absurd to suppose that deer or buffaloe, or 
 even a wild-cat or oppossum, would stand upon a point of 
 honor, and come out of the woods at a card, in the manner of 
 men piqued upon their courage. 
 
 Why not? said Harum Scarum ; do not men come out and 
 stand up to be shot at, like a post, without stirring? Have not 
 
MODERN CHIYALRY. 
 
 men more sense than beasts? At least they have more learn 
 ing, and boast of their education. I can bring a fellow out to 
 me almost at a wink; and shall I be at a loss with a brute 
 beast, who has not half the prudence, though it may have the 
 same self-love, and principle of self-preservation, 
 
 You may try it, said the Captain. I shall wonder a little if 
 the event "corresponds with the intention." 
 
 Harum Scarum, having made out his challenge, made choice 
 of Will Watlin for his second, to bear the cards, and disperse 
 them in the forest. 
 
 No answer came, and no bear or panther appeared, or came 
 upon the ground. 
 
 The next thing was to post them; which he did, and put up 
 billets upon trees. They were to this effect: 
 
 "Take notice, that I Harum Scarum, gentleman, do hereby 
 post and publish the beasts of these woods, to be scoundrels, 
 liars, and cowards, of which let all men take notice; that no 
 man of honor may keep company with them, but consider 
 them as poltroons and rascals." 
 
 This was what is called the Mad-cap settlement, the inhabi. 
 tants being of an irritable disposition and apt to take offence. 
 Accordingly seeing those upon trees, as they were looking for 
 their cattle in the wood, they were put into great passion. 
 Sundry of them had fallen in with stragglers of the company, 
 gathering roots and berries, or looking for a shot, and had 
 come to high words, under a mutual misunderstanding of the 
 circumstance which gave offence. Collecting a party at a 
 pass, the Mad-caps had come forward, and determined to give 
 battle. The Captain saw the necssity of some active measures 
 on his part, and collecting his men, began to form. He had 
 with him the player on the bag-pipes, and Tom the Tinker* 
 who turned a piece of tin into a kettle drum, and beat on it 
 the rogues march, which was the only point of war that he 
 could beat. Will W r atlin had a saplin of hickory, and O'Fin 
 his flail, which he had brought along with him, not knowing 
 but he might get a job of threshing by the way. 
 
 He had now got a job, it is true; but not of the same kind 
 hat he meant wheat at six-pence a bushel but people's brains 
 
MODERN CHIVALRY. 221 
 
 to beat out, or their bones to break ; a thing as unprofitable as it 
 is unlawful. The Captain being a military man, was thinking 
 of the science and manoeuvres put in practice by the ancient 
 and modern commanders, by which they had gained battles. 
 He deliberated whether to advance in a single column, until 
 within a certain distance, and then halt with the head, while 
 the rear wheeled round and struck like a serpent with its tail, 
 in the manner Epimanondas gained the battle of Leuctra. Or 
 whether he should imitate Hannibal at I forget at what bat 
 tle, with the Romans, and oppose a semi- circle, with a convex to 
 the enemy; and which yielding in the centre, changed to a 
 crescent, and received the adversary in its horns, which encom 
 passing the flanks, cut them to pieces; or whether he should 
 pierce the enemies centre "by successive masses, thus cutting 
 him in two and destroying each part separately He was de 
 bating with himself whether he ^should advance to a certain 
 height, or rely upon an ambuscade among the bushes in tho 
 plain, when, in the meantime, Clonmel the ballad singer struck 
 up a song in the centre, and tho Mad-caps began to listen; 
 and though they had as many arms as a learned lawyer puts 
 in his declaration, "swords, staves and knives," they dropped 
 them all, and seemed to return 'U good humor. 
 The song of Clonmel was as follows: 
 What use is in fighting, and gouging and birtng, 
 
 Far better to let jt alone; 
 For kicking and cuffing, and boxing and hi Hi tig, 
 
 It makes the flesh ache, and the bone. 
 
 Bat give me the whiskey, it makes one so frisky, 
 
 But beating and bruising make sore; 
 Come shake hands, my cronies, come near my dear honies, 
 
 And think of your grudges no more. 
 
 We are a set of poor fellows, just escaped from the gallows, 
 
 And hunting a wolf or a bear; 
 And what with a tail on, except the camelion, 
 
 Can live upon fog, or the air? 
 
 Some venison haunches, to fill up our paunches, 
 Come see if you cannot produce; 
 
 18* 
 
MODERN CBWALRY. 
 
 A baibecued pig, a nice mutton leg, 
 Or turkey, or bit of a goose. 
 
 \V e have store of good liquor, so bring something quicker 
 
 And club your potatoes and yams; 
 We'll make a great feast, and turn all to a jest, 
 
 So away with your frowns and your damns. 
 
 There is nohting like love, which comes from above, 
 
 And tickles the youngsters below; 
 Jf is vain man's own fault, that he so brews his mn.lt, 
 
 As ever to cry out heigh-ho. 
 
 Alexander, and Caesar, and Nebuchadnezzar, 
 
 Found out to their cost this was true; 
 Now who will be fools to drink at the pools 
 
 Of ambition and war, we or you ? 
 
 The Mad-caps were settled like a hive of bees, and coming 
 forward, began to gather in a cluster round the ballad singer. 
 Some took him by the hand, others asked for the keg of whis- 
 koy, and in a short time amity was established, and they were 
 all as well acquainted as if they had been together seven years. 
 Some of them knew Tom the Tinker, having served under 
 him in the western insurrection. Stores of provisions were in 
 in a short time brought in, and forage for the Captain's horse, 
 and the blind mare. Having refreshed themselves with rest, 
 a day or two, maintaining still a good understanding with the 
 Mad-caps, and mixing occasionally with hunting parties that 
 shot pquirrels and racoons, who declined to accept challenges, 
 and fight upon equal terms, they began to think of the object 
 of their emigration. Orders were given to put the troops in 
 motion; and taking up the line of march; the cavalry in front, 
 they set out, and passing through the Mad-cap country, no 
 interruption happened, until they began to enter that of the 
 Democrats. 
 
 This is ^a settlement contiguous to the Mad-caps. The in 
 habitants are a very happy people, no demagogues having yet 
 arisen among them, to propel to licentiousness, as for instance 
 to propose agrarian laws or an equality of goods and cha.ttels: 
 or to excite them to contention amongst themselves, or to war 
 
MODERN CHIVALRY. 223 
 
 with foreign Bowers, in order that they may acquire military 
 renown, grow rich on government contracts, or obtain pow 
 er and importance by their oratory. Such had not yet begun 
 to call out against laws and the administration of justice ; 
 sciolists and young persons, too indolent to acquire solid 
 knowledge, declaiming against rules, the policy of which they 
 do not comprehend ; affecting to discuss points in their lucu 
 brations of elementary jurisprudence, as to form or substance 
 of which they are as incapable as half a tradesman at any other 
 profession, could be of pointing out the excellencies or defects 
 of an improvement on the tools, or machines in use. It takes 
 a great general to improve tactics; not a half year soldier just 
 taken from a drill-sergeant. Yet such are the most presump 
 tuous, and never are convinced of their incapacity, until ex 
 periment forms the rejection. But in the meantime, the 
 democratic character is levelled, and incurs the imputation of 
 being unfit for government, on sound and stable principles, 
 equally remote from a shameless disregard of public faith, on 
 one side, and false or visionary philosophy and fanaticism, on 
 the other. 
 
 The state of Democracy much resembled that of the Achaean 
 commonwealth; not so much In the form of the constitution as 
 the principles of the government, and the virtues of the people. 
 I shall take the description of it from Polybius. It is con 
 tained in the eulogium which he makes, in the course of his 
 history, upon this people. 
 
 "From whence, then, has it happened," says he, "that not 
 the people of these countries only, but all the rest of the in 
 habitants of Peloponessus, are so well pleased to receive, not 
 only their laws, and form of government, but their very names 
 also, from the Achseans? In my judgment the cause is noth 
 ing else than equality and liberty; in a word, that democratic 
 species of government, which is found more just and perfect 
 in its kind, among the Achaeans than in any other state. This 
 republic was at first composed of a small part only of the in 
 habitants of the Peloponesus, who voluntarily associated 
 themselves into one body; but a greater number soon joined 
 themselves to them, induced to it by persuasion and the mani- 
 
224 MODERN CHIVALRY. 
 
 fest advantage of such a union. And some, as opportunities 
 arose, were forced into the confederacy. But they were satis 
 fied with the violence, by which they had been compelled to 
 embrace so excellent a form of government. For the new 
 citizens were sufferd to enjoy all the rights and privileges that 
 were permitted to the old. everything was equal among them 
 all. Thus employing the means that were of all things the most 
 effectual for their purpose, equity and gentleness, they soon 
 arrived at the point which they had in view.' 7 
 
 By this equality we are to understand as to rights. No one, 
 at that day, ever conceived the visionary idea, of perfect equal 
 ity of conditions, so as to have no poor, and no rich; no wise, 
 and no foolish; no weak, or no strong; but all alike. 
 
 ,,When the Thebans, after the great and unexampled victory 
 which they obtained against the Lacedemonians, in the battle 
 of Leiactra, began, with the surprise of all, to lay claim to the 
 soverereignty of Greece, various troubles and contentions arose 
 among the people of the country, and especially between the 
 two contending parties; for one refused to submit as conquered, 
 while the other persisted to claim the victory. In these cir 
 cumstances, they at last agreed to yield all the points that 
 were in dispute between them, to the sole judgment and deci" 
 sion of the Achseans. Nor was this preference obtained by 
 any superiority of thought or power, for they were at that time 
 the least of all the states of Greece; but was confessedly be 
 stowed upon that integrity and love of virtue, by which they 
 became distinguished above all other people." 
 
 This is the real character of democracy; and who, in this 
 view of the character, would be unwilling to be called a dem 
 ocrat? Yet there have been revolutions in the public mind, 
 with respect to the honorary, or disreputable nature of this 
 appellation. It will be recollected, that after the adoption of 
 what is called the funding system, by the administration of 
 the federal government, societies were instituted under the 
 denomination of democratic societies.* It was the intempe 
 rance of some of these bodies which caused them to be dis- 
 
 * About the years 91-<2-3. 
 
MODERN CHIVALRY. 225 
 
 continued. Prudent men and patriots were willing to avoid a 
 name which had incurred disreputation from the excesses of 
 those attached to it. 
 
 But the errors of the federal administration, or at least 
 measures thought to be errors, having overthrown that admin 
 istration, the name, before buried, began to obtain resuscita 
 tion, and to be able to show its head in a new existence, and 
 with fresh honors, instead of insult and degradation. The 
 term democrat has ceased to be a stigma, and begins to bo 
 assumed by our public writers, and claimed by our patriots, as 
 characteristic of a good citizen. That of republican, which 
 alone had been ventured on for some time, is now considered 
 cold and equivocal, and has given way, pretty generaly, to that 
 of democratic republican. In a short time it will be simply, 
 the democracy and democrat. 
 
 But how long will this be so in the United States, or in 
 these states? Its duration will be in proportion to the wisdom 
 and virtue of the people. It is He alone, " who gathereth the 
 winds in his fists," that can calculate the revolutions that de 
 pend upon the temper and the passions of men. 
 
 END OF VOL. III. 
 
MODERN CHIVALRY, 
 
 . t * 
 
 OR SEQUEL TO THE 
 
 ADVENTURES OF CAPTAIN FARRAGO, 
 
 AND 
 
 TEAGUE O'KEGAN. 
 
 i 
 
 BY 
 
 H. H. BRACKENRIDGE. 
 
 Quidquid agunt homines 
 
 Farrago. Juv. 
 
 Ridentum dicere verum quid vetat ? HORACE. 
 
 "Man's averse to all the truth he hears.*' CREECH. 
 
 REVISED AND CORRECTED, AND WITH NOTES, 
 
 BY H. M. BRACKENRIDGE. 
 
 Part Second, Vol. Fouith. 
 
 PHILADELPHIA: 
 PUBLISHED BY T. B. PETERSON. 
 
 1857. 
 

 
CONTENTS OF VOLUME IV. 
 
 CHAPTER I. "Which treats of Democracy, of Suffrage, or the right to vote, 
 and some other matters 9 
 
 CHAPTER II. The party approaches the back settlement Harum Scarum 
 is sent with a talk. The new settler 18 
 
 CHAPTER III. Containing a short disquisition on the uncertainty of the 
 
 Law 23 
 
 CHAPTER IV. The story turns back to O'Regan. and gives some account 
 of his judicial career. The Court is broken up, and Teague sets off to 
 join the Captain 28 
 
 CHAPTER V. There was a talk of setting up a printer. Teague meets 
 with an accident, which suggests an orginal criticism on Milton 30 
 
 CHAPTER VI. Which treats of the founding of Colonies in general, and of 
 some in particular. Captain Farrago becomes Governor. A description 
 of the new settlement 36 
 
 CHAPTER VII. The new Governor turns his thoughts to the subject of 
 government. The means of governing men. The Clergy in free gov 
 ernments. The Press... 4'J 
 
 CHAPTER VIII. The power of the Judiciary to decide upon the constitu 
 tionality of a Law 53 
 
 CHAPTER IX. In which the author relaxes a little from the gravity of the 
 preceding chapters 56 
 
 CHAPTER X. Which treats of the writings of Tom Paine 60 
 
 CHAPTER XI. The lay preacher is appointed Chaplin by the Governor... 62 
 
 CHAPTER XII. Containing a dissertation on common sense, the most un 
 common of all kinds of sense 65 
 
 CHAPTER XIII. Indian Hostilities~-a War party attacks the settlement- 
 is persued, and Teague by accident becomes a hero, and is made a Gene 
 ral 70 
 
 CHAPTER XIV. The Justice of wars; British and American 79 
 
 CHAPTER XV. Containing a somewhat dry disquisition oa the nature of 
 the good and evil of Republican Governments 83 
 
 CHAPTER XVI. Constitution making continued 88 
 
 CHAPTER XVII How the new government worked general discontent... 94 
 
 CHAPTER XVIII. The phrenzv of Constitution mending still continues. 
 The Governor's address to the Irish emigrants 101 
 
IV CONTENTS. 
 
 CHAPTER XIX. The Convention of Delegates to frame the Constitution... 106 
 
 CHAPTER XX. Universal suffrage shall it be confined to rational crea 
 tures, or shall horses, sheep, and other cattle vote? 109 
 
 CHAPTER XXL Governor Farrago takes into consideration his Message to 
 the Legislature II 8 
 
 CHAPTER XXIL From the right of suffrage the popular attention is turned 
 to the right of Delegation. Shall brutes be voted eligible? 126 
 
 CHAPTER XXIH Which treats of the training of orators in the Republic. 130 
 
 CHAPTER XXIV. Party disputes. Perfectibility of man and beast. The 
 Governor is requested to appoint a Quadruped to office. The visionary 
 Philosopher 134 
 
 CHAPTER XXV. The visionary philosopher persists in his attempts to con 
 vert beasts into rational beings - 138 
 
 CHAPTER XXVI. The author considers the difference between the brutal 
 and human nature. The difference in kind, and not in degree.. 144 
 
 CHAPTER XXVIL The author apologizes for the preceding chapters on the 
 subject of beasts 149 
 
 CHAPTER XXV1IL The subject continued 154 
 
 CHAPTER XXIX. Consisting of digresssons 159 
 
 CHAPTER XXX. The visionary philosopher and his experiments. A mon 
 key is commissioned clerk of the court. Failure of the attempt. A hound 
 is admitted to the bar, with no better success 168 
 
 CHAPTER XXXL The subject of the right of suffrage resumed 177 
 
 CHAPTER XXXII. Conversation between the Governor and the visionary 
 philosopher. The manufacture of public opinion 184 
 
 CHAPTER XXXIIL Of matters in general Of capital punishment. The 
 author declares that if condemned to death, his choice would be to be shot 
 by a lady dressed in white muslin 192 
 
 CHAPTER XXXIV. Further of the visionary philosopher. league goes to 
 his own hand, like Noctra Mullin's dog 19 8 
 
 CHAPTER XXXV. Democratic power unbalanced, is the despotism of the 
 many instead of one. Impeachment 201 
 
 CHAPTER 3XXVL In which the subject of impeachment is gravely pur 
 sued 21 
 
 CHAPTER XXXVIL Experiments of the visionary Philosopher. The 
 School is broken up by a summary process 214 
 
 CHAPTER XXXVIII. Teague complains of neglect, and desires a better 
 
 office 216 ' 
 
 CHAPTER XXXIX. Why is there more talent in the new settlement than 
 in the old? 218 
 
 CHAPTER XL. The most difficult of all things is to govern men. Public 
 opinion the great lever of modern times 220 
 
CONTENTS. V 
 
 CHAPTER XLL The visionary philosopher once more 226 
 
 CHAPTER XLIL Governor Farrago gets out of patience with the follies of 
 his people, and pronounces a phillipic against them. It produces a 
 marked effect 233 
 
 CHAPTER XLIIL Containing some account of the abode of Governor Far 
 rago in the new settlement 237 
 
 CHAPTER XLIV. Being the last in this work, in which there is some ac 
 count of the courtship of the Governor, who ia still a hatchelor 243 
 
PREFACE TO FOURTH VOLUME. 
 
 THE proof, both of the 3d and 4th Vols. of the Se 
 quel, or second part of this work, having been sent by 
 mail, by the printer to the editor, some typographical 
 errors were unavoidable ; such for instance, as that on 
 the first page, where the word primitive, instead of 
 primary, assemblages, occurs, and on the 14th page, 
 where an accidental transposition of a sentence ren 
 ders the author's meaning obscure. Other mistakes 
 occur, which the reader's own judgment will correct, 
 and thus dispense with the least ornamental part of a 
 book a table of errata. 
 
 The author continues the subject of the 3d Vol. the 
 follies and extravagance of the multitude, which too 
 often prevail for a time, even in this enlightened re 
 public. It is the rank growth of a free soil, which 
 proves its worth, while it shows that there is work for 
 the satirist, and the moralist. Freedom is a hardy 
 plant, and will bear much pruning, for the benefit of 
 the tree as well as of the fruit. This the author en 
 deavored to execute in a vein of pleasantry ; and where 
 he speaks seriously, it is to display his love of free 
 democratic institutions, in spite of their imperfections, 
 
VIII PREFACE. 
 
 imperfections, for the greater part, incident to human 
 nature. His laughing mode of instruction, continually 
 reminds us of the Athenian sage, as he is represented 
 by Zenophon. 
 
 The editor, in his task of revision, has taken some 
 liberties with occasional phrases, rather strong for the 
 present more refined taste of the public. It mustbe rec 
 ollected, that the work properly belongs to the era of 
 Fielding, Smollet, and Stern, who had no hesitation in 
 " calling a spade, a spade," as suited their humor. He 
 has also condensed some passages which partook too 
 much of the essay form. It must also be born in mind, 
 that the author retained the frame work of the story, 
 merely as a suitable repository for his opinions on dif 
 ferent subjects, and did not so much indulge in that 
 broad humor, which rendered the first part, one of the 
 most popular works ever published in America. The 
 transparency and ease displayed in the style, has been 
 the subject of universal admiration. The Westminster 
 Heview, has pronounced a high eulogium on this work, 
 as well as on TrumbulPs M'Fingal, the only genuine 
 Hudibrastic ever written after Butler. The author of 
 *' Modern Chivalry," is styled " the American Cer 
 vantes," although no servile imitation; but in profound 
 observation, in fertility of imagination, in sparkling wit, 
 and felicity of expression, his work stands unrivaled 
 in this country. But it will not be fully appreciated, 
 until republished in England distance will do for it, 
 that which time alone can do, in the country where it 
 was produced. 
 
MODERN CHIYALBY 
 
 VOL. IV. 
 
 CHAPTER I. 
 
 WliicJi treats of Democracy, of Suffrage, or the Right to Vote, 
 and some other matters. 
 
 "We call our government a democracy, because in form and 
 in spirit it approaches nearer to it than to any other. Yet ? 
 except in our town meetings, and primitive assemblies, it ex 
 ists no where in its simple form, but by representation. Still 
 the people are the source of all power, whether directly or in, 
 directly exercised ; we therefore call it a democracy, and 
 may take the description of one from a speech put into the 
 mouth of Pericles by Thucydides. It is to the Athenian 
 people. " This our government is called a democracy, be 
 cause, in the administration, it hath respect, not to a few, but 
 to the multitude . a democracy ; wherein, though there be 
 an equality amongst all men, in point of law, for their private 
 controversies ; yet in confering of dignities one man is pre 
 ferred before another to a public charge ; and that, according 
 to the reputation, not of his power, but of his virtue ; and is 
 not put back through the poverty, or the obscurity of his 
 person, as long as he can do service ta the commonwealth. 
 And we live not only free in the administration of the state ; 
 vol. 4, 2 
 
10 MODERN CHIVALRY. 
 
 but also, one with another, void of jealousy towards each other 
 in our daily course of life ; not offended at any man for follow 
 ing his own humour, nor casting on any man censure or sour 
 looks, which though they be no punishment, yet they grieve ; 
 so that conversing one with another, for the private, without 
 offence, we stand chiefly in fear to transgress against the pub 
 lic ; and are able always to be obedient to those that govern, 
 and to the laws ; and principally to such laws, as are written 
 for punishment against injury ; and such unwritten as bring 
 undeniable shame to the transgressor." 
 
 This definition or description of a practical democracy, is 
 drawn from real life. It is in the mouth of Pericles, a man 
 of business ; a sapient statesman ; who had been bred and 
 born in a democracy, versed in its affairs, and knew its errors, 
 and its excellencies. One thing is remarkable, that a partic 
 ular excellence which he notices, is the freedom of opinion. 
 Where a government is founded in opinion, it is of the es 
 sence of its preservation, that opinion be free. It is not 
 enough that no inquisition exists ; that no lettre de cachet 
 can issue; but that no man shall attempt to frown another 
 out of his exercise of private judgment. Is it democracy to 
 denounce a man in a paper, because he thinks differently on 
 a measure of government from the editor ? It is tyranny ; 
 and the man who can do this without reason, or moderation, 
 is a tyrant, and would suppress the right of private judgment, 
 if he had the power. I distinguish between stricture and 
 abuse. All depends upon the manner and the toleration. A 
 man is not always a deserter from just politics, because he 
 cannot agree with me in opinion, on a particular subject. 
 Mutual toleration and forbearance in our sentiments, with 
 regard to the legality, or expedience of measures, is the soul 
 of democracy. It is that which distinguishes it from despot 
 ism, as polite manners, the fine gentleman in polished life ; in 
 civilized society. In a despotic country, it is the boot, or the 
 thumb screw, or the cord, that brings a man to reason ; at 
 least the wheel and the pulley are used for this purpose. 
 
MODERN CHIVALRY. 11 
 
 What better in a republic where a man is this day a patriot, 
 and the next day a traitor, at the whim of him who bestows 
 the appellation ? In the livid dens of despotism, state prisons 
 are the seminaries of submissive citizens. In a democracy, 
 shall terror issue from lamp-black, and patriotism be put 
 down, under the name of opposition ? When a man frowns 
 upon me because I have dissented from him in opinion, on a 
 political matter, I discover clearly the grade of his political 
 standing, and democratic improvement. He is no democrat, 
 say I ; as another would say, he is no gentleman. 
 
 But there is no doubt that the great secret of governing 
 men, is employment they must be amused saved from 
 ennui and to this nothing contributes more than frequent 
 elections, political discussions, and the subdivisions of govern 
 ment, affording occupation, and creating interest in the public 
 mind. 
 
 But it will be said, are not your democrats all noisy, voci 
 ferous, intolerant, and of a persecuting spirit ? I say such 
 are not democrats ; they are spurious, and usurp the name. 
 In a government founded on opinion, nothing ought to be a 
 reproach, that is the exercise of private judgment. It Is sub- 
 versive of the essence of liberty. A frown is the shadow of 
 force, and he that uses the one would have recourse to the 
 other. 
 
 These observations allude to what is practical in democra 
 cy, and cannot be established or prohibited by the laws j but 
 constitute the manners which a democratic government incul 
 cates, and is calculated to produce ; and it will be observable* 
 that there is a great deal of this among the body of the 
 people, who have been accustomed to liberty. It is chiefly 
 amongst the young in the world, or young in the country, 
 that the contrary spirit shows itself. I am amongst those 
 who carry my ideas in favour of the naturalization of for 
 eigners, perhaps too far. But I admit, that it takes some 
 time to give them correct ideas of the limits of liberty. It is 
 I believe, a saying of the Grand Pensionary, De Wit, of Hoi- 
 
12 MODERN CHIVALRY, 
 
 land, that "it takes a man half an age to enjoy liberty, before 
 he can know how to use It." Nevertheless, I cannot see the 
 inexpediency of admitting to a vote the emigrant that comes 
 amongst us, the first day he presents himself. He will be in 
 structed by those that have been here before him, he must 
 take his ticket from some one. Is the ocean afraid of the 
 rivers ? Even when they come turbid with the swell of the 
 mountains? The sea clarifies, or they are lost in it. Who 
 complains out at sea, of a spring flood muddying the waters? 
 This ought to be a lesson, at the same time, to emigrants, 
 that they " use their liberty, so as not abusing it." It is a 
 strange thing to see a man come in the other day undertake 
 to set all right ; and to denounce men of age and high stand 
 ing, as guilty of defection. But what good, is there in this 
 world without an alloy of evil? What exercise of right 
 without abuse? If I am wrong, it is the excess of liberality. 
 
 I find another principle in the oration of Pericles, in the 
 justness of which I am more confident. That is the equal 
 right of office to all the citizens. The light of all is equal, but 
 the prize is to the swift, not to the slow, or the sluggard. As 
 the greater contains the less, this involves the right of vote. 
 The only qualification of which I can have any idea, as justi 
 fiable, is that of age ; and should have no objection to see this 
 restricted to a greater age than that of 21, say 45 years. At 
 this time men cease to be fit for the militia, or other minis 
 terial services. Let them then become legislators ; and have 
 the right to vote in making taws, or choosing those that repre 
 sent in making them. This would take off a great deal of 
 wild fire in our elections, and it would keep away v&in young 
 men from our public councils. 
 
 What absurdity does not the idea of a qualification of pro 
 perty involve 1 It unhinges the ideas of the ancient republi 
 cans ; that it was honourable to have enriched the republic, 
 and to remain poor themselves. To be wise a man must be 
 rich. No, but to be honest, he must have an estate. But in 
 getting this estate, he may have been dishonest. In general, 
 
MODERN CHIVALRY. 13 
 
 he must, in some measure, have neglected the improvement 
 of the mind. At least, it does not follow, that in proportion 
 as a man is poor, he is not to be trusted. They are frequent 
 ly the most generous souls who have amassed little wealth ; 
 on the contrary, the most ignoble, who have acquired great 
 property. The man that has set his heart on riches, is lost 
 to benevolence, and public spirit. In the possession of office, 
 he is thinking of what can be made by it. I have no words 
 to express my contempt of the man whose very soul is set on 
 money for its own sake, who regards its acquisition as the 
 end, and not as the means. " Nothing can be great," says 
 the critic Longinus, or the stoic philosopher Epictetes, I for* 
 get which, "the contempt of which is great. If is great to des 
 pise riches. These cannot therefore be great." 
 
 But how can we measure the value of property, and fix the 
 criterion? Shall it be real property, a freehold? Is my 
 acre worth more than yours ? Shall I have but an equal 
 right ? What are the drawbacks upon my estate ? My debts 
 and liabilities ? It is the surplus that makes my property, even 
 in the case of the substantial fund of freehold. But proper 
 ty is not the only stake. Person and character are stakes. 
 Every man that has a head or heart, has a stake. There is 
 no proportioning it. In what is impracticable we can have 
 no election. It is therefore an excellent principle of our 
 constitution, that all men have an equal right of suffrage, and 
 an equal right of office, with the simple requisites of age 
 residence, and taxation. 
 
 I should not like to live in a republic where a man must 
 be worth so much, to have equal rights ; even could it be as 
 certained what I am worth, which, as I have said, is im 
 practicable. How many men have I passed in life, less in 
 dustrious then myself, and yet richer. They have had bet 
 ter luck, as we express it ; or they have been more selfish, 
 and kept what they got. Can a man that is looking at the 
 stars, mind what is under his feet ? We read of most of the 
 vol. 4, 2* 
 
14 MODERN CHIVALRY. 
 
 great statesmen of antiquity, and various heroes that they 
 were poor. It is no uncommon thing to find it added, that 
 they themselves were buried, or there children educated at 
 the public expense. The love of science ; and the love of 
 the public, is at variance with attention to private emolu 
 ment. Shall it then be disreputable in a republic to be poor ? 
 Shall it operate as a crime and disqualify from the noblest 
 function in society, the enacting laws ? 
 
 In countries where the government is a fraud upon the 
 people and the right of suffrage, where it even partially 
 exists, is but a name, it may be thought innocent to deceive, 
 and to slur our votes. In all governments, unless our repub 
 lic forms an exception, and even in that of Turkey or Russia, 
 supposed to be pure despotisms, there is " a power behind 
 the throne greater than the throne." Is not this a fraud upon 
 the people ? I am not sure that we have been always exempt 
 from this kind of fraud. For it is a buying and selling 
 throughout. The candidate buys the vote, and has in the 
 mean time sold himself. He is oftentimes purchased, and 
 paid in advance, and bribes with a part of the money that he 
 gets. Not so in this heaven of liberty, where other stars 
 glitter, where other suns and moons arise ; this beautiful 
 world of liberty, in these states. Perdition on the man that 
 saps its foundation with intention ; forgiveness, but reforma 
 tion of error, to him who destroys it by mistake. And yet 
 these last are more to be dreaded than the former. At least 
 as much ; because the error of opinion is equally fatal, 
 though originating from a different principle of the mind, 
 and oftentimes founded in virtue. 
 
 "What man can set the world right ? The greatest self- 
 denial is obliged to yield sometimes to personal considera 
 tions. Hence it is, that I have often been silent when I saw 
 fraud, and unfairness before my eyes. Fraud in elections, is 
 at the root of all wickedness in the government of a repub 
 lic ; and what greater frauds than lies and forged writings 
 on the eve of an election, when too late to expose them ? And 
 
MODERN CHIVALRY. 16 
 
 yet this infamous practice is not uncommon. A man of just 
 pride would scorn the meanness of succeeding by a trick ; a 
 man of proper sense would know, that in the nature of things, 
 no good can come of elevation obtained by such means. Suc 
 cess by fraud will never prosper. All men despise cheating 
 at cards, or other games. He is turned out of company that 
 is found guilty of it. And shall we restrain our indignation, 
 or can we withhold our contempt when an individual is found 
 cheating, not at a game of chance or skill amongst idle men, 
 but in the serious business of real life, and the disposition of 
 our lives, characters, and fortunes? I pledge myself no 
 democrat is guilty of this ; at least those guilty of it are not 
 democrats. They are not true brothers ; real masons. They 
 have been made at a false lodge ; and will not be acknowled 
 ged. Thus it must be seen, I found democracy in virtue ; 
 that is, in truth, honour, justice, integrity, reason, modera 
 tion : civility, but firmness and fortitude in the support of 
 right ; quarter to error of opinion, and aberrations of the 
 heart; but death to ambition, and the vain desire of honour, 
 without just pretensions; and death to all knavery, and 
 
 meditated hostility to the rights of men. 
 
 Digressing a little, or rather returning to what I have said 
 on the first point, the right of naturalization, I admit that 
 emigrants, come when they will, are likely to join the party 
 hostile to existing institutions. This depends upon natural 
 principles. The governments of Europe are most of them 
 oppressive, and it is oppression that drives, in most instances, 
 the inhabitant from amongst them. The poor, or the most 
 enterprising, are those that emigrate. Their feelings are apt to 
 be at war with those in better circumstances, looking upon 
 them as natural enemies, and they bring those feelings with 
 thejn into a country where almost every man has been the 
 maker of his own fortune. They have been in the habit Of 
 thinking of a reform in the state of things in that country 
 from which they come ; it is natural for them to think that a 
 
16 MODERN CHIVALRY. 
 
 little touch of their hand may be still necessary here. Bid 
 you ever know a new physician call in, that would not be dis 
 posed to alter the prescription, or add to it? What occasion 
 for him, if there was not something to be added, or retrench- 
 mentmade? Or how can he show himself, but in changing 
 the medicines, or the regimen ? Extremes beget extremes in 
 opinions, as well as in conduct. The extreme of government, 
 where he has been, leads to licentiousness in his ideas of lib 
 erty, now where he is. 
 
 Besides, it is in this revolution of administration, if he is 
 an ambitious man, that he finds his best chance of ascending. 
 He is, therefore, a demagogue before he becomes a patriot. I 
 acquiesce, therefore, in the policy of our constitution, and our 
 laws, which prescribe a kind of mental quarantine to the for 
 eigner, though I incline to the generosity of those who think 
 it unnecessary, and that such a great body of people have 
 nothing to fear from the annual influx of a few characters, 
 that may for some time, carry with them more sail than bal 
 last. We had half Europe with us, in our revolution. We 
 had all Ireland, the officers of government excepted, and 
 even some of these. I therefore do not like to see an Irish- 
 man obliged to perform a quarantine of the intellect. I 
 think it contributes to sour his temper and to fix a prejudice 
 against the administration, under which the limitation has 
 been introduced.* However, this may be more splendid in 
 theory than safe in experience, and I submit to the policy 
 that has been adopted until the constituted authorities shall 
 think proper to regulate it otherwise. In the mean time, if 
 this book should be read by any foreigner of high parts and 
 spirit, I would recommend it to him to suspend his judgment 
 upon men and things, until he has examined well the ground 
 
 * There is one unfortunate circumstance with the Irish Catholic in respect of 
 our democratic institutions. He is attached to a foreign hierarchy, possessing 
 great temporal influence, whose clergy look to their church as their country 
 and their spiritual head, or their chief in all things. This objection would not 
 exist if they were independent, and had a Bishop or head resident in America, 
 free from all foreign control ; and if those Bishops were elected by the mem - 
 bers of the church throughout this republic. 
 
MODERN CHIVALRY. 17 
 
 upon which he stands ; to repress ambition and the desire of 
 office, until unsought, it'comes to him, during which time, he 
 may have become qualified to discharge it ; and will have 
 had an opportunity of finding oct what he will finally dis 
 cover, tJiatthe lest men are the most moderate. 
 
 Intemperance of mind or manner, in a foreigner, gives co 
 lour to the imputation that all are incendiaries. It becomes, 
 therefore, a matter of discretion and just prudence on his 
 part, to be cautious in coming forward to take a lead in poli. 
 tics, until he has well examined the field of controversy 
 But because foreigners may abuse the privilege, I would not 
 exclude them by a law, did the matter rest on first principles. 
 I should think myself justifiable in excluding from my socie 
 ty, and the government I had formed, the inhabitants of 
 another planet, could they come from thence ; because I do 
 not know the kind of nature they are of; but men of this 
 earth, of similar forms and of like passions with ourselves, 
 what have I to fear from them ? What right have we to ex 
 clude them? We are not born for ourselves ; nor did we 
 achieve the revolution for ourselves only. We fought the 
 cause of all mankind, and the good and great of all mankind 
 wiehed well to us in the contest. With what anxiety did we 
 look to Europe for assistance. We derived assistance even 
 from the good will of nations. It is an advantage to have a 
 popular cause in a war. Have we a right to shut ourselves up 
 in our shell, and call the society we have formed our own ex 
 clusively ? Suppose we had a right to the government ex 
 clusively, have we a right to the soil ? Have we an exclusive 
 right, as citizens of the world, to the vast unappropriated ex 
 panse of land, called government property? It is ours, it is 
 true, and subject to our management, but should also be open 
 to all our fellow-men, who have no land, and should be placed 
 as early as possible within their reach, so that they obtain it 
 on the most reasonable terms, by grants or purchases. The 
 emigrant ought not to be excluded, as the roving hunter at- 
 
18 MODERN CHIVALRY. 
 
 tempted to exclude us from what we now occupy. At the 
 same time I am no lawless agrarian, to take the fruit of his 
 industry from one, to give it perhaps, to the thoughtless and 
 worthless. This would be theft and robbery, and would be 
 held in light estimation, like other things so acquired. 
 
 CHAPTER II. 
 
 The party approaches the back settlement Harum Scarum 
 is sent with a talk. The new settler* 
 
 They now began to approach the farthest settlement. This 
 bordering on the Indian country, the inhabitants were pre 
 sumed to be half savages, at least in the half savage state. 
 It was thought proper, therefore, to approach them with a 
 talk. Accordingly Harum Scarum was chosen for that 
 purpose ; and taking a saddle girth for a belt of wampum 
 he set out for the frontier. 
 
 Passing through a wood, he heard the scream of a panther, 
 and advancing, saw it on a tree. Taking this for a back 
 woodsman, or half Indian, he accosted him in the vernacular 
 idiom of a savage, which he had learned, from the Indian 
 treaties in the newspapers. "Brother," said he, "do you 
 want whiskey ? We have a little in our keg at the camp. We 
 have come here to bury the hatchet. It is two moons since 
 we have been traveling. Our squaws are all at home with 
 their papooses. Have you got a little killicaneeque, that 
 we may smoke the calumet of peace ; brighten up the 
 chain of friendship, and sit round our council fires ? 
 Our young men are behind with their tomahawks. But the 
 great spirit has taken the flints from their guns and 
 they come to shake hands, and set their traps on these 
 waters." 
 
 At that instant a settler on the other side of the wood, shot 
 the panther, which Harum Scarum observing, ran into help 
 
MODERN CHIVALRY. 19 
 
 off with the hide, and became acquainted with the marks 
 man. This was an introduction, and no farther was necessary. 
 He took the skinning to be scalping, and that it was one 
 savage that had shot another, and as is the way of the 
 world, he determined to take part with the conqueror. As 
 sisting to flay the beast that was lately his brother, he 
 learned the news of the county town, of the new settlement, 
 and gave account of the Captain, and his new comers, and 
 brought the huntsman along, to taste their whiskey, and con 
 duct them to the village. 
 
 It may seem strange that we hear nothing of Martin, the 
 Latin school-master, all this time ; but the fact is, that com 
 ing through the lack-learning settlement, they had gagged 
 him, to keep him from speaking Greek, and his mouth was 
 sore for a long time after, so that he could not even speak 
 Latin ; but as soon as he got into the village, he began to 
 ejaculate. 
 
 In nova fert animus, mutatas dicere formas 
 Italiam fato profugus Lavinaque venit 
 Nos patriam fugimus : Tu Tityre lentus in umbra- 
 There were several Indian traders in the town, who under 
 stood Delaware, Shawnee, Munsy, and Mingo, but they took 
 this for Chippewaw, or as they pronounce it, Jibway, but 
 having no knowledge of Latin, gave him, however, some 
 boiled corn with bears oil in it, and threw him a skin to lie 
 down upon. Closing his mouth, with 
 " Odi profanum vulgus, et arceo." 
 He fell asleep. 
 
 The first thing a settler does, when he goes to the new 
 country, is to look out for a spring. Hard by, he builds a 
 cabin, of the stocks of trees, laid at right angles, and form 
 ing a square or parallelogram. A stone serves for a back- 
 wall,, and an aperture over it to give vent to the smoke. 
 
 The settler brings with him few implements of husbandry, 
 because he is poor, and has them not to bring ; or the car 
 riage is not in his power, from the want of draught cattle. An 
 
20 MODERN CHIVALRY. 
 
 axe, a mattock, a corn-hoe without a handle, perhaps plough 
 irons, an auger, and a saw. 
 
 His household furniture is a pot, a frying-pan, a kettle, and 
 Sometimes a gridiron. A few blankets, and a bed-tick to 
 fill with oak leaves, is a luxury. 
 
 A cow to give milk, is almost indispensable ; and the rifle, 
 with a little ammunition sparingly used, supplies flesh for 
 the family. He must occasionally take a turn to the settle 
 ment to get a bag of flour, and a quart or two of salt. 
 
 His horses, if he has any, range in the woods ; and a good 
 deal of time is spent in looking them up, when wanted for 
 service. 
 
 A breeding sow is an admirable acquisition, big with pigs. 
 If he can bring one with him, which is most generally ac 
 complished, he has soon a herd of them, living on the wild 
 pea vine, that supercedes the casual supply of hunting, and 
 covers the sides of the chimney with hams, just at hand to 
 cut off and broil. 
 
 It is of great advantage to the settler to be able to handle 
 a tool, and to lay a stone. It would be advisable, therefore 
 in a father who means to i?er>d out his son, when grown up, 
 to the new country, to put him some time to a carpenter, and 
 to a stone mason. His own smifchery he cannot well do, as 
 an anvil, a pair of bellows, &c. are heavy to be carried ; but 
 the greatest drawback is, that he cannot resist the solicita 
 tions of his neighbours to assist them occasionally, and this 
 takes him from the main branch of his improvement and cul 
 tivation. 
 
 The settlement is usually begun in this manner, and carri 
 ed on by poor, honest, and industrious people. The town 
 on the other hand, at the commencement, is usually a nest of 
 adventurers, that have more wit than money, and more ex 
 perience than industry. 
 
 A tavern-keeper or publican, that passes for a republican, 
 to eet custom; a horse jockey, a store-keeper, and a young 
 lawyer, are the first that you find domiciliated in this metro 
 polis. 
 
MODERN CHIVALRY. 21 
 
 The young lawyer, that had got to this place, was half 
 starved, either because there was no other to help him to 
 breed suits ; or, which is most probable, because the state 
 of society had not yet so emproved, as to draw with it 
 the inevitable consequence of valuable, and individual pro 
 perty, litigation, and law suits. The small controversies 
 that had yet arisen, were determined by arbitration. These 
 related chiefly to occupancy, and the rights of settlement; or 
 contracts, as simple as the subjects of them, and involving 
 no intricacy, But the inhabitants, either from the love of 
 novelty, or finding the system of arbitration inadequate to 
 the administration of justice, began to wish to have fixed 
 principles and permanent tribunals, to govern and guard life, 
 reputation, and property. 
 
 Not many" months after the Captain had fixed himself in 
 this almost wilderness of the far west, and began to exercise 
 that kind of authority, which is instinctively yielded to su 
 perior intellect and character, and which is necessary in 
 every state of society, there were meetings on this subject, 
 and it was proposed to have a code of laws, a court and ad 
 vocates, as in other settlements. 
 
 Is it possible, said the Captain, being in the habit of 
 speaking his mind freely. In the mid-land settlements, they 
 are going to burn the lawyers, as they did the witches in 
 New England; and as to judges, it is as much as a man's 
 life is worth to resemble one ; either* in the brogue of his 
 tongue, or the cut of his jib, I mean his hat ! or coat that he 
 wears; such is the odium under which that profession, or 
 corps of men labour. Arbitration is in every body's mouth, 
 and down with the courts. A lawyer indeed ! Raising the 
 devil was in vogue in the middle ages of the church ; but 
 has been laid aside in Christendom, since black coats became 
 scarce, as without them there is a difficulty in laying him ; 
 but what can a lawyer, when he ie once up ? The hurricane 
 which carries away the haystack, is nothing to the breath of 
 
 It was usual for a Judge to wear a cocked hat. 
 
 vol. 4, 3 
 
22 MODERN CHIVALRY. 
 
 his mouth, that bears away people's property, by the feas 
 which he exacts. 
 
 It was thus that Samuel laboured, and with similar suc 
 cess, to dissuade the people of Jewry, not from a jury trial, 
 but from monarchy, in the days when they wished the king* 
 to succeed judges. And the fact is, that tyranny gets her 
 best foothold on the backs of courts of law, and judges. 
 After the book of Judges, comes the book of Kings. But 
 those judges had ceased to let the people " every man do 
 what was right in his own eyes," and therefore they wished 
 for monarchs and despots to make serfs of them, without 
 knowing what they did, and the Lord have mercy on all such 
 misguided republicans, And yet, a more perfect acquaint 
 ance with facts, might furnish some excuse for the impa 
 tience of the Jews under their judges, who were in fact, the 
 priests, constituting a hierarchy. The despotism of the one, 
 or of the many, is not the only kind of tyrany, that may ex 
 ist. Of all tyrannies, that of a priest-hood is the most in 
 tolerable. It is a tyranny over the mind and over the 
 thoughts, as well as over the body and actions. The blue 
 laws of Conneticut afford an example even under the demo 
 cratic puritans. Thus the Jews may have sought relief in 
 despotism from oppressions of the priests, as the Frtnch 
 did from the anarchy of the raob. 
 
 But the people of the settlement before us, had an idea 
 that courts of justice were the best preservatives of a repub 
 lic ; and barriers against monarchy, and despotism. They 
 had got a maxim in their heads, pronounced by the Latin 
 schoolmaster when he rose out of his sleep. 
 
 Misera est servitus, ubi Jus vagum, et incognitum, 
 
 It is the worst slavery where the law is unknown, or un 
 certain, which words in English he gave for their use. And 
 they had found arbitration to decide like the oscillation of a 
 pendulum, and all began to call out for something more stable. 
 
MODERN CHIVALRY. 23 
 
 CHAPTER III. 
 
 Containing a short disquisition on the uncertainty of the law. 
 
 W hence does the uncertainty of law arise ? Let us trace 
 it. There is the letter of the law. Littera scripta manet ; 
 " what is written lasts." But there is the spirit, that is the 
 construction of laws. This depends upon the mind of the 
 construer ; and two men may not in some cases construe 
 alike. 
 
 There is again the application of the rule to the case ; and 
 it is the mind that must apply. The history of these con 
 structions and applications are found in what are called re 
 ports. But this history, like other histories, is not always 
 the truth. No two judges or two lawyers will agree precise 
 ly in their statements of the same decision. Some particu 
 lars, omitted or added, makes the difference. Yet these were 
 helps to establish the decision. 
 
 What is it that can correct the construction or the applica 
 tion as it was originally made, or as it appears in the report ? 
 Reason. It was this at first made the construction or the 
 application. Hence the maxim, " that nothing which is 
 against reason can be law." 
 
 When the usage and custom which makes unwritten law, 
 like the laws of a game at school, are in the memory pf men, 
 and the application of the case, depecds upon two minds, it 
 is morally, but not physically certain, that the application 
 will be the same. But in all these cases both of usage and 
 custom, or of written law, there is a higher degree of cer 
 tainty than where there are no positive institutions, or rules at 
 all. Which is most likely to establish certainty in the trans 
 mission of usage and custom, or construction of statutes 
 
 the occasional application of the law, by arbitrators, who 
 have little knowledge of positive institutions, or tribunals in 
 which records of legal proceedings are preserved, and men 
 are employed who have devoted their lives to the study, and 
 
24 MODERN CHIVALRY. 
 
 to the perfect knowledge of which they do not find a life 
 sufficient? 
 
 Visionary men, like Rousseau and Godwin, have seldom 
 more in view than to support paradoxes. The ability is shown 
 by the novelty or extravagance of the proposition. Godwin, 
 in his Political Justice, with great brilliancy, supports the 
 idea of deciding every case on its own peculiar circumstan 
 ces, according to the notfons of equity which lie in the breast 
 of the judge. This is what is done in Constantinople. But 
 it is to avoid this that laws are enacted, and means used to 
 procure uniformity of construction and application in a free 
 country. The object is to produce certainty but that cer 
 tainty is not universally attainable, without exception, for 
 this reason, that man and his works are imperfect, and there 
 fore uncertain. All that can be expected is, that in ninety 
 cases out of a hundred, there is by that means a nearer ap 
 proach than if matters were left to take their chance, or de 
 pend on the arbitrary will of the judge, where this propor 
 tion would be reversed. The more that arbitrary will is re 
 stricted, the freer the country. 
 
 The imperfection of human judgment produces uncertain 
 ty. This must be greater in proportion as there is no buoy 
 to steer by; but a greater difficulty arises in the administra 
 tion of the laws, to guard the consciences of men. Which 
 is mosfe likely to secure this ? Tribunals open ; and it is a 
 principle of our law, that the courts shall be open ; and shall 
 be held at known times and places. Can arbitrations have 
 this requisite? It is a principle of jury trial, that the ju 
 rors who are to try a particular cause, cannot be known un 
 til they go upon it ; and after hearing they are to be kept to 
 gether without speaking to any one until they are agreed. 
 There is not that opportunity for labouring a jury that arbi 
 tration presents. 
 
 At the same time I am not one of those who frown upon 
 arbitrations; or think those unworthy citizens who meditate 
 or inculcate the idea of what has been called an adjustmert 
 
MODERN CHIVALRY. 25 
 
 bill. I profess myself a reformist ; and with regard to 
 others who attempt reforms, I am not ready to cry out, " they 
 that have turned the world upside down have come hither 
 also." I have been for letting the experiment be made. I 
 know the consequence that it will soon be laid aside. Per 
 haps something might be retained of it that may be found 
 wise* But the difficulty of getting men together, that act 
 not immediately under a compulsory process, and thus keep* 
 ing them from being tampered with ; independent of arbi- 
 tray notions of right or wrong, and unassisted reasonings, 
 will be found to be such, that men, who, in the sincerity and 
 benevolence of patriotism, have called for the system in the 
 extent contemplated, will be the first to recede, and acknow 
 ledge that there is a difference between what is rational or 
 even justice, in theory, and what is wisely practical among 
 men. 
 
 No one can have a greater contempt of pedantry and oppo 
 sition to reform in principle or practice than I have. A pro 
 fessional man thinks himself learned, because he is technical 
 and knows the terms of his art, as a workman his tools ; but 
 has become shackled in forms, and a slave to precedents, and 
 has no horizon or original thought and comprehension. He 
 cannot recur to the correctness, reason, or to experiment, the 
 source of improvement amongst men. 
 
 At this particular time there is a fermentation of the 
 public mind with regard to the administration of justice. I 
 have no fear for liberty, provided the form of government is 
 left untouched ; for a generous constitution will soon give 
 warning of the malady, ard on an error in reform a fever 
 will ensue, and demand to be expelled. The wounding" or 
 destroying a principle of the constitution affects liberty, as 
 taking away the trial by jury in the courts of law ; or pla 
 cing the tenure of a judicial commission on other grounds 
 than on what the constitution has placed it ; and the like 
 vital parts of the system. 
 
 To reform with safety requires a perfect knowledge of the 
 Vol. 4. 3* 
 
26 MODERN CHIVALRY. 
 
 subject of the reform. To reform the law, either in its prin 
 ciples or administration, requires a lawyer ; a scientific and 
 philosophical lawyer : not a pedant, even though on the 
 bench of justice. Natural narrowness of mind, or technical 
 contraction, unfits for this. But an unreasonable jealousy of 
 professional men is to be avoided. There is such a thing as 
 patriotism on the bench, and on the bench what interest can 
 there be but to lessen service ? Interest, therefore, here, is not 
 in the way of extending settlement by arbitration, so far as 
 it may be practicable, and consistent with the preservation 
 of the democracy. For be assured that the recoil of a mea 
 sure hurts the authors more than those against whom the or 
 dinance may have been directed. 
 
 But difference of opinion produces ill will. A man an** 
 wife will separate on a disagreement which has taken place 
 about fixing a hen-coop, or laying out a bed of parsley. 
 Christians have burnt each other, because the one would say 
 off and the other from ; and what man of sense doubts but 
 the burner and the burned were equally good men ? The 
 creeds, confessions and commentaries of the one were just as 
 orthodox as the other, but not precisely the same : and the 
 nearer they came together the more wrath. This ought to 
 teach in politics, at least, concession and forbearance. 
 
 If objects of sense mock the senses and deceive vision, 
 how much more things in the political or moral world, which 
 we cannot comprehend but by reasoning? What a farce it 
 was in the year 1779, in America, to see committees formed 
 from the one end of the continent to the other, instituting 
 regulations of the prices of commodities at a standing value, 
 when the medium of circulation continued to depreciate. 
 These subjects must regulate themseKes, by the laws of trade, 
 The thing was absurd ; yet I recollect Thomas Paine, an un 
 common, but uninformed man, was a secretary to a commit 
 tee, and an enthusiast in the project. The committee regula 
 ted " that a measure of fine flour should be sold for a 
 shekel, and two measures of barley for a shekel, in the gate 
 
MODERN CHIVALRY. 27 
 
 of Samaria ;" bat neither barley nor flour were brought to 
 market, and as there was " no reasoning with the belly," the 
 space of ten days undeceived the projectors. 
 
 The chemist tells us of substances that decompose, which 
 is a process in order to the composition of other bodies ; but 
 that it depends upon a knowledge of the properties and quan 
 tity, whether the ingredients constitute a poison or a medicine. 
 So may it be said of the spirit of reform. 
 
 The practice of the courts in Pennsylvania, is rendered 
 simple to what it is in England, and could be still improved, 
 as it would seem to me, either by the law of practice, which 
 ihe courts themselves have the power of making, or with the 
 aid of the legislature. There are three things in which there 
 is need of improvement, and in which we should still try to 
 improve; first, in the speedy administration of justice- 
 second, in its greater simplification, 'and thirdly, in lessening 
 its expense. But it is only a scientific man that understands 
 the system, as a farmer knows his grounds, who can easily 
 and with safety complete the reformation. The law itself is 
 much improved in Pennsylvania, both criminal and civil, 
 and I am not sensible of much wanting, but in the organiza 
 tion of the tribunals for its administration. Now it will not 
 do to make a law that there shall be no litigation ; or that 
 every man shall know the law ; for such a law cannot be car 
 ried into effect. I doubt, then, whether it will be found 
 satisfactory to provide " that every man shall be his own 
 lawyer," and his neighbour's judge in the capacity of arbi 
 trator. 
 
 I own that those who best know how to make the reform, 
 are not the most zealous for it, and hence it is often attempt 
 ed by the incompetent. 
 
 The excellence of jury trial is sanctioned by immemorial 
 usage ; and is secured to a certain extent by the constitution. 
 What is that extent ? " Trial by jury shall be as heretofore." 
 This mode of trial has its laws. Does the constitution mean 
 that the laws of this trial shall be as heretofore ? or does it 
 
28 MODERN CHIVALRY. 
 
 mean any thing more ? It may mean that it shall be the 
 mode of trial in the same tribunals as heretofore ; that is the 
 courts of justice. Does it mean to bar extending the juris 
 diction of the justice of the peace ? This is a question. 
 
 I admit that screwing up the construction of the constitu 
 tion too tight, the public mind will revolt against it. Driven 
 to a contention, much that is valuable in the constitution 
 might be lost in that torrent which an overstrained construc 
 tion had produced, like waters in a dam without a flood-gate. 
 The discretion of the legislative body must not be too much 
 disputed. It produces the very effect, in some way or other, 
 which the over-cautious apprehend. While the great boun 
 daries of the constitution are unbroken, I do not fear much 
 from those laws which regulate the police of justice, and 
 may be enacted, and continued as the experiment may seem 
 to justify. But I wish to see the democracy move in the 
 groove of the constitution ; like one of the heavenly bodies 
 with but slight disturbing influences, or variations in its 
 orbit, and thus bidding fair for perpetuity. For this reason, 
 I am afraid even of experiment, in a case where there is 
 doubt, and which is of great moment or delicacy. 
 
 CHAPTER IV. 
 
 T he story turns back to O'JRegan, and gives some account of 
 his judicial career. The*court is broken up, and Teague sets 
 off to join the Captain. 
 
 It is full time we return a little, and see what became of 
 O'Regan, whom we left in the capacity of Judge. This will 
 best appear from a report of a case tried before him : and 
 which has been kindly furnished us by lawyer Tarapin, who 
 was counsel in the cause. 
 
MODERN CHIVALRY. 29 
 
 EEPORT.- Slouch vs. Crouch. 
 
 This was an action of assault and battery, with two counts; 
 the first for assault and battery ; the second for an assault. 
 The case as it came out upon the evidence, was as follows. 
 
 Upon some ill words given by Crouch, as villain, rasccl, 
 scoundrel, &c. Grouch made a blow at him with a cudgel. 
 Crouch, crcuching, as the name imports, let the blow slip 
 over him, which lighting upon Slouch, broke his head. Upon 
 this Slouch had brought his suit against Crouch. 
 
 Lawyer Tarapin moved for a nonsuit, on the ground that 
 the action ought to have been against Grouch, whose stick, 
 though intended against Crouch, yet trespassed, and hit 
 upon Slouch. 
 
 Lawyer Heberden, for the Plaintiff, thought the action was 
 properly brought, and that Crouch, who gave the ill words 
 that occasioned the outrage, was responsible for all the con 
 sequences ; that he had no right to take his head out of the 
 way ; but that it ought to have remained at its post, which 
 had it been the case, no blow could have fallen upon Slouch- 
 With the names, with terminations of a like sound, and the 
 intricacy of the case, the judge was puzzled, and getting in a 
 passion, snatched a staff from a constable, and fell upon the 
 suitors. "By me sowl," said he, " 1 will be after bating de 
 whole c'd you togeder. A parcel of spalpeens and bog-trot 
 ters to be coming here bodering me wid your quarrels, and 
 your explanations; better fight it out like men of honour wid 
 a shelelah, and not come here to trouble de court wid it." 
 
 He had broke the heads of several, and was laying about 
 him with the constables' staff, the clerk not being able to 
 interfere because he was blind, and the citizens not being 
 willing, because they were afraid ; saying the culprits were 
 in the hands of the judge, and it did not behove them to take 
 the law into their hands, and resist the execution. 
 
 However, the result was that the proceeding broke up the 
 court, and the blind lawyer, fidler and bog-trotter had to leave 
 the country. 
 
30 MODERN CHIVALRY. 
 
 The bog-trotter followed the Captain, and the blind lawyer 
 and fiddler followed him, to the new settlement. 
 
 It was just at this time they came in, when the people 
 were in commotion about the courts of justice. It was op 
 portune, and occasioned them all to be provided for by the in 
 fluence of the Captain. Things were reversed in some mea 
 sure, from what they were in the country belew ; for the 
 blind lawyer was made the judge ; the fiddler the crier of the 
 court, and the bog-trotter a constable, Tony Burn, the piper 
 who had followed the party from the last settlement, there 
 being no bell or drum in the new town, opened the court with 
 the bagpipes. There was nothing now wanting but a lawyer, 
 and that was not wanting long. 
 
 CHAPTER V. 
 
 There was a talk of setting up a printer. Teague meets with an 
 accident, which suggests an original criticism on Milton. 
 There was a talk in this town of having a printer, and 
 newspapers, one of the first things thought of in the new 
 settlement, to be like the old. Some thought there were typo 
 graphical errors enough in the world. However, the people 
 were disposed to multiply them, and accordingly a printer 
 vas encouraged. He set up a paper which he called the 
 "Twilight." For, as there was a " Dawn" in the east, it 
 seemed reasonable there should be a " Twilight" in the west. 
 The Evening Star, and the Western Star have been names of 
 Gazettes ; but Twilight, for any thing we have heard would 
 seem to be original. The dawn, 
 
 "That sweet hour of prime," 
 
 In the language of Milton one of his most beautiful paint 
 ings is that in which he speaks of it as introducing the sun 
 
 Jocund to ran 
 
 His longitude through Heaven's high road ; the gray 
 Dawn, and the pleiades before him danc'd, 
 Shedding sweet influence 
 
MODERN CHIVALRY. 31 
 
 The "Dawn" is a modest appellation fora paper, bespeak 
 ing the beginning of light. The " Twilight" not less so, 
 meaning that small degree of it which remains after the sun 
 is set. The device was an owl, a cat and a bat ; the owl an 
 emblem of wisdom, the cat of vigilance, the bat of imparti 
 ality, being of equivocal formation, and doubtful whether 
 bird or beast. At the same time these animals are all of the 
 " Twilight," and therefore appropriate. 
 
 The motto by the Latin schoolmaster, 
 Si quid superesset agendum. \ 
 
 Clonmel the ballad singer, furnished a few verses to intro 
 duce the publication. The composition was none of the best ; 
 but it was suited to the occasion. 
 
 The dawn and the twilight, have both but small skylight ; 
 
 Yet pleasant are both in their prime, 
 For think of the noon and the hot burning sun, 
 
 O, this is a far better time. 
 
 Hence name we the paper, and light up a taper 
 
 To lighten the clouds of the west. 
 If not the best skill, yet have the best will, 
 
 To make this our paper the best. 
 
 We want a little money to begin with, dear honey, 
 
 So bring it and take you the news, 
 Have a little heart, nor be sorry to part, 
 
 With a trifle like misers and Jews. 
 
 We shall tell how the Spaniards dress hides in their tanyards 
 
 Or curry their leather in France. 
 And when that we come to things nearer home. 
 
 You shall hear of these just at once. 
 
 Who's married ; who's broken ; who is shot, or choken, 
 
 By himself, or the hand of the law. 
 What dress is on foot, who has got a new clout, 
 
 To tickle the fancy and draw. 
 
32 MODERN CHIVALRY, 
 
 The lads that can write now let them indite, 
 
 And here some speak their own praise ; 
 On politics or pride, or threshing the hide 
 
 Of judges and lawyers now-a-days. 
 
 4 Tis all one to Us what the blunderbuss, 
 
 So that it but makes a noise, 
 So down with your ink pots ; thinkers or think nots, 
 
 And help out our journal, brave boys. 
 
 Harum Scarum was a contributor to the paper, and dealt 
 in fabrications and intelligence. Will Watlin gave disserta 
 tions on economics, taming wild geese, and brewing beer out 
 of wasps' nests. Tom the tinker hankering after insurrec 
 tions, struck his hammer on the government. Martin, the 
 schoolmaster, was now employed as an Indian interpreter, 
 passing his Greek for the Chickasaw ; nevertheless found 
 time to furnish a distich of hemistich or Latin epigram occa 
 sionally. O'Fin was a politician and brought down his 
 flail upon Bonaparte, and said, had it not been for his usur 
 pation, there would have been a republic in Ireland. The 
 bag piper was a merry fellow, and brought his talents into 
 hotch-pot in the way of essays upon drones ; shewing their 
 use in a commonwealth. Thus few papers were better sup 
 ported than the Twilight, and it had subscribers. The great 
 variety of talents, 
 
 Quoniam sic positse, suaves miscetes odores, 
 Said the Latinist the great variety of talents could not fail 
 to furnish something to hit the taste of everyindividual ; and 
 it is not so much excellency, as variety that pleases. The 
 most odoriferous shrub or rose ceases to delight, and we turn 
 to another bush, or take up even a less fragrant flower. 
 
 The passions having their vent in a Gazette, saves battery 
 and bloodshed. In this view of the subject it is an aid-du- 
 camp to the laws ; and if it should be thought eligible to ex 
 tend the province of the press, and to canvass all matters 
 depending in a court of justice, it will be an accessary to the 
 
MODERN CHIVALRY. 33 
 
 practice, and a great acquisition in a free government. But 
 this I leave to the discretion of the legislature. 
 
 The bog-trotter, for a good reason, wrote nothing. He was 
 engaged as constable, in serving process, which he contrived 
 to get some one to read for him. In one of his excursions, 
 he met with an accident. He set his foot on the spur of a 
 horse-jocky ; which, in this new country, from the prick of 
 the roller, he took for a rattle-snake. Not waiting to look be 
 hind him after it made the impression, and left a puncture 
 like the tooth of a serpent, he made his tour to the town with 
 great howling and lamentation. A ligament was drawn, 
 tight about his ancle, and the leg stroked down and the flesh 
 pressed towards the orifice. Cold water from the mouth of a 
 tea-kettle was poured upon the wound, with a steady current 
 from a considerable height. Finally, certain roots, pointed 
 out by the Indian traders, in a cataplasm were applied to the 
 foot, bandaged up for a fortnight, until all appearance, I need 
 not say, of poison, for there was none, but all apprehension 
 of poison and mortification was removed. 
 
 It will not be understood that I record this incident as an 
 evidence of pusillanimity in the bog-trotter. For a man of 
 the firmest mind, might reasonably conceive an alarm at the 
 idea of being bitten by a snake. Such is the horror in the 
 human mind at even the touch, much more the bite of such 
 a reptile. 
 
 Milton represents the tempter as seducing Eve under the 
 form of a serpent, and endeavors to render that form amiable 
 by description, 
 
 Inclos'd 
 
 In serpent, innate bad, and towards Eve 
 Address'd his way, not with indented wave 
 Prone on the ground, as since, but on his rear, 
 Circular base of rising folds, that tower'd 
 Fold above fold, a surging maze ; his head 
 Crested aloft, and carbuncle his eyes ; 
 With burnish'd neck of verdant gold, erect 
 
 vol. 4, 3 
 
34 MODERN CHIVALRY. 
 
 Amidst his circling spires, that on the grass 
 Floated redundant : pleasing was his shape 
 And lovely ; never since of serpent kind. 
 Lovelier. 
 
 If I might presume to criticise so great a master as Milton, 
 I would say that it was an oversight in him, to make the 
 tempter assume the form of the snake. For he is not sup 
 ported by the Scripture. The idea in Genesis is not that the 
 tempter was in the guise of a serpent ; but of some creature 
 which was, for that very act, condemned to be a serpent. 
 " Upon thy belly shalt thou go, and dust shalt thou eat all 
 the days of thy life." It is a metanomasia, or post-nomina 
 tion. " The serpent was more subtile ;" that is, the beast 
 which we now call a serpent, 'was then the wisest of the 
 field. It is impossible to imagine that creature, which would 
 seem to have been changed ; for we can no more imagine a 
 new creature, than create one. When the poets feign a grif 
 fin, it is but a winged beast. The Ore of Ariosto is made up 
 of parts that are taken from animals in nature. 
 
 But, it is to be presumed that the animal assumed by the 
 tempter must have been next to the human, the form the 
 most beautiful in nature. The poet represents the transfor 
 mation as denounced in the garden, 
 
 Without delay 
 
 To judgment he proceeded en the accused 
 Serpent, tho' brute, unable to transfer 
 The guilt on him who made him instrument 
 Of mischief, and polluted from the end 
 Of his creation ; justly then accus'd. 
 
 As vitiated in nature 
 
 Because thou hast first done this thou art accurs'd 
 Above all cattle, each beast of the field ; 
 Upon thy belly grovelling thou shalt go, 
 And dust shall eat all the days of thy life. 
 I would have expected the metamorphose at this time and 
 plaoe. 
 
 His visage drawn he felt so sharp and spare, 
 

 
 MODERN CHIVALRY. 35 
 
 His arms clung to his ribs, his legs entwining 
 Each other, till supplanted down he fell 
 A monstrous serpent on his belly prone, 
 Reluctant ; but in vain, a greater power 
 Now rul'd him, punish'd in the shape he sinn'd, 
 
 According to his doom. 
 
 Since my first reading of the poem, I have been struck 
 with the incongruity of representing the animal which the 
 tempter assumed, as being a serpent in the first instance. Yet 
 there is classical authority for supposing it possible, that a 
 serpentine form could be the subject even of affection : 
 Lovelier ; not those that in Illyria chang'd 
 Hermioue and Cadmus or the God 
 In Epidaurus, nor to which transform'd 
 Ammonian Jove, or Capitoline was seen, 
 He with Olympias, this with her who bore 
 Scipio the height of Rome. 
 
 And Dryden in his Ode on St. Cecilia's day 
 
 When he to fair Olyrnpia prest, 
 Awhile he sought her snowy breast, 
 And then around her slender waist he curl'd, 
 And stampt an image of himself, a sovereign 
 of the world. 
 
 Strange as it seems to me, the ancients in some countries, 
 appear not to have had this horror of serpents. In the tem 
 ple of Esculapius, the god himself was said to visit his pa 
 tients disguised under the form of a great serpent, the cares 
 ses of which reanimated them with new hope. Serpents in 
 general were consecrated to this god. " He appears to have 
 had a particular predeliction for those found in the neigh 
 bourhood of Epidaurus, which are of a colour approaching 
 to yellow, have no poison, are tame and gentle, and love to 
 live in familiarity with man. That which the priests keep 
 in the temple, will sometimes wind round their bodies, or 
 raise himself on his tail to take the food which they present 
 him on a plate. He is rarely suffered to go out, but when 
 this liberty is permitted him, he walks majestically through 
 
36 MODERN CHIVALRY. 
 
 the streets, and as his appearance is deemed a happy omen, it 
 excites universal joy. 
 
 "These familiar serpents are found in the other temples of 
 Esculapius. They are very common at Pella, the capital of 
 Macedonia. The women there keep them for their amuse 
 ment. In the great heats of summer, they wind them round 
 their necks like neck-laces. During my stay in Greece, it 
 was said that Olympia, queen of Philip, king of Macedon, 
 had one of them, which ahe frequently took to bed to her; 
 and it was even added, that Jupiter had taken the form of 
 that animal, and that Alexander was his son."* 
 
 Nevertheless, I still think that the more natural allegory 
 in Milton, and better supported by the scripture, would have 
 been the idea of some creature the most beautiful, as well as 
 the wisest, tempting Eve, and thence, as a punishment, under 
 going transformation. 
 
 CHAPTER VI. 
 
 Which treats of the founding of Colonies in general, and of 
 some in particular. Captain Farrago becomes governor. A 
 description of the new settlement. 
 
 Inacus founded Argos; Cecrops Athens ; Cadmus Thebes, 
 in Boeotia ; Romulus Rome ; and Penn Philadelphia. Now 
 who formed the town of which we are speaking, cannot be 
 said ; for it was founded by a congluvies of mortals like the 
 company of David, in the cave of Adullam. "Everyone 
 that was in distress ; and every one that was discontented, 
 gathered themselves unto him." Amongst these a broken 
 judge came ID, who complained that he was unjustly bro 
 ken. 
 
 Travels of Anacharsis. 
 
MODERN CHIVALRY. 37 
 
 A word with you friend, said the Captain. Were you not 
 tried by a competent tribunal? 
 
 Yes, said the judge; but the judgment was unjust. Why 
 not appeal ? It was the tribunal in the last resort. 
 
 What, said the Captain ; can there be an error in a der 
 nier decision? What is it, according to yourselves, that 
 makes the law, but decision ? Precedent is authority. What 
 has reason to do in the case ? Once it gets into the books 
 and becomes a case, let me see what judge can undo it, or 
 question the reason of it. It has become law. We must 
 take the law as we find it. If Holt has once said it, the 
 game is up ; or Buller or Kenyon. It is a knock 'im down 
 argument, that Patterson has ruled it so ; or Washington, or 
 Marshall. It is the construction of the judge that makes the 
 law. It is the application to facts proved, or admitted, that 
 makes the case ; and the application being by the constitu 
 tional tribunals, there is no more to be said about it. Posi 
 tive institutions are arbitary things, and there is no reason 
 necessary that they are as they are. You a judge, and talk 
 of an unjust judgment, where it has been given by those 
 who have alone a right to judge ! This shows that you were 
 not fit for your office : so turn in there, we will do the best 
 we can for you ; but no more caterwauling about the injust 
 ice of your sentence ; you sent many a man from your deci 
 sions, I will undertake to say, dissatisfied but the law had 
 determined it ; it had become-a case, and there was an end of 
 the disquisition. 
 
 The judge hung his lip, and turned into a cabin. 
 A young doctor had coine here. What learning he had 
 before he came, is rot of so much consequence, as what 
 practice he had afterwards. One thing he had acquired, the 
 cant of a physician, that had he been called sooner, before the 
 constitution had lost its tone, or nature her diathesis to co 
 operate with the medicine, a cure might have been effected ; 
 and even as it was, by preserving regimen, something might 
 be done. The quack taking care to find out first what the 
 vol. 4, 3* 
 
38 MODERN CHIVALRY. 
 
 patient liked best ; and especially prohibiting that, because, 
 as he knew, the indulgence could not all at once be restrain 
 ed absolutely, it was morally certain the patient would trans 
 gress a little, and furnish the complaint with a pretence to 
 stick by him in spite of the faculty. 
 
 A young woman had been found in the woods, naked, gag 
 ged, and had been, as she said, tied to a tree. The account 
 she gave was that she had been taken out of a nunnery in 
 Canada, where she had been educated : was on her way to 
 her father in Kentucky, a rich man ; had been robbed of a 
 thousand doubloons by her conductor, strippedofher silks and 
 muslins, and left to perish in the wilderness. Imagination 
 or philanthropy saw truth in her history ; and she was fed 
 and clothed, not as the law directed, but as humanity dicta 
 ted, and brought into good company. 
 
 At the first discovery of her, she was thought to be a mor 
 tal ; but in a short time she was conceived to be an angel. 
 There were an hundred that would have married her, had it 
 not been for this distrust of being real flesh and blood. But 
 by this time it began to be found out, or at least suspected, 
 that the nunnery had been no farther off than a city of these 
 states, and under the care of brothers, rather than sisters. 
 
 The preacher of the town was a methodist of that class 
 who seem to glory in publicly confessing their sins ; in 
 telling how wicked they had once been, to mark the proud 
 contrast with their present state of perfection. This one had 
 been a horse thief, and when he had taken his text, and was 
 warning from the like offence, and telling the danger of it, 
 tye would put back his wig and say, you see I have lost my 
 ears by it. 
 
 Ecce signum, said the Latin schoolmaster ; 
 Segnius irritant animos demissa peraurem, 
 Quam quse sunt oculis, subjecta fidelibus. 
 
 At an early period, the ceremony of marriage had been 
 dispensed with in this town, as is the case where there are 
 not magistrates or priests at hand to officiate, and make the 
 
MODERN CHIVALRY. 39 
 
 legal copula, or knot of marriage, or they'were made simply 
 before witnesses, or by mere mutual consent.* Diana and 
 her nymphs ; the three graces and the nine muses, are repre 
 sented as not marrying at all. It is to be presumed that it 
 is owing to the same cause, the absence of the justice of the 
 peace or the parson. But it is always spoken of as the 
 first step towards civilization, the coupling in marriage, ac 
 cording to some established form. 
 
 Sancire leges. 
 
 Concubitu prohibere vago. 
 
 The Captain being by common consent chosen governor of 
 the new Territory, paid attention, in the first instance, to this 
 matter of police, and directed the girdle of Hymen, to bo 
 added to the zone of Venus, in all cases where it had been 
 yet wanting. The settlement in a new country is, in some 
 respects, delightful ; the country in its virgin state, before 
 the underwood is browzed upon, and the luxury of flowers 
 and shrubs is repressed by beasts of burden, or the labours 
 of the husbandman. It has seemed to me that the streams 
 run clearer in a new country than the old ; they are certain 
 ly more abundant. The cultivation of the soil uncovering 
 the vallys, lets in the rays of the sun, which drink up the 
 moisture, and open fissures in the earth, where the streamlets 
 sink and disappear. Hence it is that we read of brooks and 
 rivulets in the classic and long cultivated countries, which 
 bubble now only in the song of the muses 
 
 " Sunk are their fountains, and their channels dry.*' 
 
 The natural moss on the margin of the fountains and the 
 rivers in a new country, are greener, and furnish a more 
 romantic seat, 
 
 Saxo sedilia vivo, 
 shaded by the umbrage of the forest, than the clover of the 
 
 * This is no doubt a good marriage even at this time, 
 marriage being regarded by law as a civil contract ; all that is 
 necessary is consent, and an actual contract ; which may ever be 
 presumed from the circumstances of cohabitation. But a certain 
 degree of solemnity, is highly important for its moral effect. 
 
40 MODERN CHIVALRY. 
 
 meadow ; or the artificial bank and bowers of the garden 
 itself. How delightful the small parties that are made upon 
 the water of the rivers in skiffs or canoes, or in the shades of 
 the forest, and near a spring head, at a fete champetre or 
 barbecue, where the company assemble, nor yet divided by 
 the classifications of wealth or pride ! I do not wonder that 
 the young people of the Israelites were apt to be seduced to 
 sacrifice " in high places, on hills, and under every green 
 tree," even though prohibited, inasmuch as these situations 
 were so delightful, at least in the summer seasons. 
 
 " The flowers of the forests are a' wed away, 
 In the old school ballad is a fine expression : for the flowers 
 of the " forest" are unquestionably of a more lively bloom 
 if not of finer odour than those of a garden ; and that atmos 
 phere of fragrance, which, from a wilderness of verdure, 
 pours upon the senses, overwhelms with delight.* There is 
 no ague or fever here ; for the exhalation from the foliage is 
 aromatic to the smell the gale is not tainted with miasmata. 
 The air is a bed of perfume, and the vapour tastes of nectar 
 and ambrosia. 
 
 Such scenes, and such air must be salutary. Whatever the 
 component parts or qualities, hydrogen, nitrogen, or oxygen, 
 of which the chymists speak, certain it is that the air breath. 
 ed from plants and flowers is favorable to health and long 
 evity. Inhaled by the lungs, is restorative, and as a vapour 
 bath to the whole body is salubrous. A ride from the sea 
 coast to an ultramontane settlement in the spring of the 
 year, is resuscitation to an almost dead constitution. 
 
 But it would seem to be owing to other causes than mere 
 bodily vigour and health, that the inhabitants of a new 
 country appear to have more intellectual vigour, and in fact 
 more understanding in the same grade of education, than 
 the inhabitants of an old settlement, and especially of towns 
 
 * The author frequently expresses his love of the wild beau 
 ties of the scenery of nature, in the uncultivated woods. 
 
MODERN CHIVALRY. 41 
 
 and cities. The mind enlarges with the horizon. Place a 
 man ou the top of a mountain, or on a large plain, his ideas 
 partake of the situation, and he thinks more nobly than he 
 would uader the ceiling of a room or at a small country seat. 
 
 It may be that the change of situation gives a spring to 
 the mind, and that the intercourse with that variety of char 
 acters which emigrate, increases the stock of knowledge. 
 Taking a new start from a new point, and rising from a high 
 er to a higher sphere. Whether owing to these, or other 
 causes, it unquestionably appears to me, that the ultramonta- 
 neer is, in general, the superior man, in the same occupa 
 tion and pursuit in life. This would seem to hold good out 
 of the learned professions, which require a propinquity to 
 the libraries of Apollo, as well as the seat of the muses ; but 
 we have in view chiefly that natural sagacity, and discern 
 ment of spirit, and strength of mind which constitutes men 
 tal superiority. Perhaps it may be that the most active 
 spirits are those that emigrate ; or that people put to their 
 shifts, which is the case in a new country, acquire a vigour 
 of mind proportioned to the exercise. 
 
 There is one thing observable, that, in a new settlement, 
 society is coveted, because it is scarce ; and mutual wants 
 produce reciprocal accommodation. The emigrants coming 
 also, from different quarters not in clause and hitherto un 
 known to each other, do not bring with them latent, or pro 
 fessed enmities ; and the mind, ira, amicitia vacuus is open 
 wholly for new impressions. Family feuds, of an old stand 
 ing, or of recent inception, do not exist. The absence of all 
 chagrin is a state of mind more easily coveted than explained, 
 either as to its sensations, or as to its consequences. But it 
 is a main spring of happiness in a settlement, that the im 
 provement begins upon a new plan, and upon his own scale ; 
 and he has his shades and his avenues at once, without wait 
 ing for the trees to grow. There are neither ruins, nor ves 
 tiges of decay before his eyes, but a young country receiv 
 ing young cultivation; just at the will of the possessor, 
 
42 MODERN CHIVALRY. 
 
 without the necessity of sacrificing taste to what had been 
 begun and half finished. Suffice it to have said these things 
 to the encouragement of young people who may not be well 
 provided for by those before them, and are disposed to seek 
 their fortunes dependent only on themselves. 
 
 CHAPTER VII. 
 
 The new Governor turns Ms tliouglits to the subject of govern 
 ment. The means of governing men. The clergy in free 
 governments. The Press. 
 
 Governor Farrago, in his new capacity began to turn his 
 thoughts towards government ; and considered with himself 
 what had been the means of governing men, from time im 
 memorial. This he found might be comprehended und,er two 
 general heads, fear and love. 
 
 Religion founded on truth, is a powerful ally of govern 
 ment as it holds forth the rewards and punishments of a 
 future state. With respect to spurious religion, or heathen 
 ism, we see great importance attached to sacrifices of sheep 
 and oxen, and can be at no loss to understand tho motive. 
 For when a bullock was offered up to the gods, the smell 
 went to them, but the taste to mortals. It was not 
 that any thing could be got out of visjera, that tripes were 
 inspected ; but because this could not be done until the cow 
 was killed ; and in that case, the priest got a beef-steak. 
 What contempt would one entertain of the Haruspices, 
 pouring over the entrails of cattle, in order to ascertain the 
 events of futurity, if he had no idea, all this time, that it 
 led to a oarbecue ? 
 
 But what the origin of human sacrifices ? That has a 
 deeper foundation. It was not that Gentiles devoured them ; 
 or were cannibals. But, it was a state engine, and under 
 
MODERN CHIVALRY. ' 43 
 
 pretence that a human victim was desired by the gods, some 
 individual, obnoxious to the government, was pointed out by 
 the priest, in collusion with the officer, and made the holo. 
 caust. We have a proof of this from the poet Virgil, who 
 puts a tale into the mouth of Simon, viz. that a victim being 
 necessary to procure a favorable wind to the Greeks to return 
 home, Ulysses, having a grudge on an old account, got Gal. 
 chas to denounce Pil Garlick, as the one the gods had pitch 
 ed upon ; and accordingly being marked out for the altar, he 
 had run off. In the Foola country, the Bandoo woman is 
 made use of by the Purra, to single out the culprit that is to 
 go to pot and be knocked on the head. In the South Sea 
 islands, it is the usual policy. A letter from a missionary at 
 Otaheite, tells us that the emperor of that island, lately 
 died, had offered up in his time, at least two thousand human 
 persons. These were, doubtless, such as had been in oppo 
 sition to the administration. 
 
 Letters de cachet, had answered this end in France ; the 
 inquisition in catholic countries, which was an ecclesiastical 
 tribunal, served the same purpose. 
 
 The clergy in free states, are useful to government ; but 
 not in the same way. It is by inculcating obedience to the 
 laws as a divine precept, and a moral duty. This is the only 
 " alliance of church and state," that exists in this country. 
 Or if the clergy here do not touch upon politics at all, yet by 
 teaching such doctrines as lead men to virtue, they make 
 them good citizens. Even the Calvanist, though he talks of 
 nothing but faith, and spiritual affections, yet produces the 
 effect of good works. So that in fact he comes to the same 
 point with the Arnainian who talks chiefly of good works. 
 
 In the ancient republics, founded like ours, on reason, and 
 the laws, the power of speech was the great means of keep 
 ing men together. Hence the orators of the popular assem 
 blies. With us the press is the great pully, by which the 
 public mind is hoisted, or let down to any sentiment. It is a 
 wonderful block and tackle on board the state ship. It can 
 
44 MODERN CHIVALRY. 
 
 overthrow a good administration, and for a "while support the 
 bad. But the press cannot exist but by liberty ; this is the 
 bread by which alone it can live. Nevertheless, the freedom 
 of it may be lost by its own imprudence. The intemperence, 
 and indiscretion of the journalist, propels to popular excesses, 
 which subdue the laws and bring on despotism. The phrase 
 " liberty and equality," of the French revolution, has done 
 mischief by going into false notions. Liberty was thought to 
 mean anarchy and equality it is hard to tell "what. Our 
 declaration of independence, has the phraze, that " all men 
 are born equal;" the meaning is, that they were born with 
 equal rights, that is, the right to enjoy what the law gives 
 them. In any other sense, it is not true ; for men are un 
 equal, physically and individually, as well as by the gifts of 
 fortune, or the chances of life. 
 
 These were the desultory reflections of the governor, who 
 thought it fortunate that a press had been established in his 
 government as a vehicle of information, but was a little 
 afraid of some of the correspondents ; Harum Scarum ; Tom 
 the Tinker ; Clonmel the ballad singer ; Will Watlin, and 
 others. O'Fin the Irishman, was an excellent flail man; 
 but threshing grain, and threshing in a newspaper, require, 
 if not different powers of mind, yet at least different cultiva 
 tion. He was an honest good hearted fellow ; but as on a 
 barn floor, an unskilful, or careless person will bring the 
 voluble end of the jack-staff about his own head ; so it is 
 with a politician who enters the list with a view to do good ; 
 but, from mistake of the true interest of the body politic, 
 does the harm. 
 
 Under this idea of the effect of a journal to guide, or mis 
 lead the public mind, the Governor solicited an interview 
 with the author of the " Twilight." After such introductory 
 compliments and observations as may be presumed on the 
 occasion, the governor insensibly drew him (the editor) into 
 a conversation on the subject of the press, and his gazette in 
 particular. Editor, said he, your good sense I know, and 
 
MODERN CHIVALRY. 45 
 
 your patriotism ; but I am afraid of your being a little too 
 much carried away with the spirit of the times hatred to 
 learning, agrarianism, dissolution of courts, disuse- -of codes 
 of law, and invectives against judges. There is a medium in 
 all things. This may be carried too far. Would you not 
 think it prudent to restrain this downhill speed a little. As 
 to attacks upon the administration, or the policy of measures 
 merely executive, or even the constitutionality, or expedien 
 cy of a law, I should think the greatest freedom may be used; 
 or the public conduct of men in office maybe canvassed; 
 though, by the bye, I should not think the public had any 
 interest in their small morals, as for instance, the cut of their 
 pantaloons, or the colour of their breeches ; or peccadilloes, 
 even in the breaches of decorum. Such restriction may 
 perhaps be laying an anchor to windward in my own behalf, 
 as I am not the most exact of all men in these particulars. 
 But I ask or wish for no indulgence, on the score of official 
 acts; let them be the subject of your examination, and 
 strictures. At the same time taking the rule of humanity 
 for your guide, as expressed By the Poet. 
 
 " Nothing extenuate, or set down aught^in malice." 
 
 But I advert chiefly to such sentiments, as poison in res 
 pect of the elementary principles and constitutions of govern 
 ment itself, and the prostration of those establishments on 
 which the security of property, reputation and liberty de 
 pend. 
 
 You will assign to us typographists a very narrow space, 
 indeed, said the Editor ; and you will strike away from us 
 the footstool of all our popularity. What is it to the maca- 
 ronie, whether you acquire territory to the republic, or lose 
 it, but what is the fashion of your boot, or the cape of your 
 coat ? What is it to a female, whether you wisely sanction a 
 remedial act by approbation, or negative it? But whether 
 you keep a mistress, or ever had one. The taste of our sub 
 scribers is as various as their faces, and it is they we must 
 vol. 4, 4 
 
46 MODERN CHIVALRY. 
 
 please. Every body can understand scurrility, but it re 
 quires one to knit the brow to take up a report on the finan 
 ces. As to the taste of the tin,e, we must fall in with it, if 
 we mean to keep on the popular side of the question. You 
 are not to take it for granted that we speak our own minds in 
 every thing you see in our papers; no more than an advo 
 cate who is employed on the wrong side to plead : it happens 
 to fall to his lot, and he finds his account in it. 
 
 Cannot you fill up your journal, said the Governor, or at 
 least a great part of it, with essays on agriculture ; experi 
 ments in chemistry, mathematical problems, or love adven 
 tures, years ago, or at a great distance ? Let the governors, 
 and the laws alone, since you cannot speak of them accord 
 ing to your own judgment 
 
 That would never do, said the Editor. The public would 
 not take half the interest in it. Finding fault is a secret 
 satisfaction, and the source of great delight to the human 
 mind. Hence slanders in society. Why not much more in 
 public life ? When a man builds a cabin, it pleases us to ob 
 ject to the plan, or something done about it ; much more 
 when the subject of our remark is of a high and noble 
 nature, such as a-measures of the executive. 
 
 The fact is, a newspaper is a battery, and it must have 
 something to batter at. Where the Editor is a friend to the 
 executive, or the legislative part of the administration, he 
 must make a butt of the judiciary. It is against this he 
 must bring his catapult, or battering ram to bear. Fortu 
 nate the man who is unen trammelled with any attachments, 
 or restraints of affection, gratitude, or obligation ; he has the 
 whole before him, and he is not under the necessity of slack" 
 ening his efforts, at one angle, lest he should affect another" 
 A clear field, and no favour. That is the province of the 
 printer. An advocate seldom finds it his interest to be re. 
 tained by a suitor altogether. And as to building up systems, 
 that is what we do not so well understand. We leave that 
 
MODERN CHIVALRY. 47 
 
 to the sages, and philosophers, with whom we are naturally 
 at war. It is not our fort ; every man has his faculty. One 
 to spin a rope ; another to pick oakum. 
 
 Well, said the Governor, you must take your own way. I 
 had no idea of shackling the press, but only of suggesting 
 such hints, as might conduce to its credit, and the good of 
 the community. 
 
 I do not know, said the Governor to the Chief Justice, the 
 blind lawyer who was present ; the Editor now withdrew ; I 
 do not know, said he, whether, notwithstanding my observa 
 tions to the printer, something might not be done in settling 
 suits, and composing differences in matters of property with 
 out such extensive codes of jurisprudence and court trials, 
 with advocates, and endless speeches. I should like to hear 
 your idea on this subject, Chief Justice. 
 
 Might we not do without such struggling to exist in other 
 respects, said the Chief Justice. The acre must be grubbed? 
 the maize planted ; the sickle is necessary. Why clothing ; 
 at least, why tailors. Skins, or a plaid might answer. Why 
 houses? It is probable that mankind had tried the acorn : 
 the bear skin ; the cave, or the hut before these. Must they 
 return to this state, to see whether they cannot now do with 
 out them ? 
 
 The presumption is, that before laws, men had tried what 
 it was to dispense with them. Jury trial would not seem to 
 have been an invention, all at once like the cotton loom by 
 Arkwright. It is probable that it was considered an improve 
 ment upon arbitrations, when it first came into use. But it 
 would not seem to have been adopted all at once, but to be 
 the result of successive amendments. In fact, it is nothing 
 but a mode of arbitration by the vicinege, uniting with it the 
 advantage of a court to inform as to what the law is, and 
 furnishing an executive authority to carry awards into effect, 
 and execution. 
 
 This trial is of immemorial usage, and hid in deep antiqui 
 ty. If we had its history, it would be seen that its laws, 
 
48 MODERN CHIVALRY. 
 
 are the result of gradual accession ; and these added from an 
 experience of defect. Just as in our own time, and in these 
 states, we find amendments, or at least, changes in the sum 
 moning, return, impannelling, or serving of juries. 
 
 The privilege of counsel in capital cases ; as to matters of 
 fact, or witnesses on oath, is out a late acquisition in Eng 
 land. And the presumption is, that at least, as to the privil- 
 age of counsel, it did not originally obtain in criminal cases. 
 But that the prerogative of the crown had impeded this im 
 provement in the criminal laws, so that it did not keep equal 
 pace with that in the civil. Yet with us it begins now to be 
 thought a grievance to have counsel in any case. It seems 
 to be a wish of many to try a system of judicial determina 
 tion without it. 
 
 What would be the effect of the experiment of simple arbi 
 tration ? said the governor. 
 
 An injury to credit, said the Chief Justice : men would not 
 so readily give trust, knowing that the screw of the law was 
 relaxed, and they could not so readily recover what was due 
 to them ; of course it would reduce contracts, and bring 
 matters to the immediate exchange of money and commodi 
 ties. At the same time, I am willing to admit, that some 
 practical check to the facillities of credit, is very desirable. 
 In the third place, it would shake the security of property, 
 real and personal ; on account of the uncertainty of holding 
 it, the rules of evidence being rendered uncertain before a 
 tribunal having no rules ; and also on account of having no 
 principles of contract or use, but the notions of right and 
 wrong, in the breasts of the auditors ; and these as changa- 
 ble as the different sets that decide on a controversy. 
 
 In the last place, it would check, if not put a stop to all 
 improvement. Who would build a mill, or clear a field, if it 
 eoold be taken from him by the Irish custom of Tanistryl* 
 
 * The custom of Tanistry. SeeDavies Rep. Irish cases, 147 
 the case of Donough MacTeague O. Callaghan. The custom was, 
 that the most worthy should take the estate in practice the most 
 worthy was him who could flog the rest. 
 
MODERN CHIVALRY. 40 
 
 A great object of the social compact is, the security of pri 
 vate property ; the ascertaining and protecting meum and 
 tuum ; the mine and thine of possession. It is essential in a 
 republican government, that every man should be secured in 
 the enjoyment of the fruits of his industry. With sovereigns, 
 the ultima ratio regum, is the means of redress in the case of 
 an invasion. Of trespass with individuals in a state of soci 
 ety, what else but the laws ? And what are laws without 
 tribunals to lay down and enforce them ? tribunals, not casu 
 al and temporary, but fixed and moving with set times, and 
 the regularity of clock work ; tribunals who have rules of 
 property as well understood, and as certain in their applica 
 tions as the laws of gravitation or magnetism. When the 
 barons meet atRunningmede, did they complain of any thing 
 more than the delay of justice? Nulli negabimus, nulli 
 deferemus justitiam, is a provision of magna charta. Could 
 there be steady justice, otherwise than by a proper organi 
 zation of courts and juries? Not unless we take the short 
 way of despotism, and appoint subordinates with a prompt 
 power, and arbitrary discretion. Trial by jury and the con 
 stituted courts, had been in use time out of mind, before 
 magna charta, and more than eight hundred years since, it 
 has been tolerated, nay prized, and the constant subject of 
 eulogy, notwithstanding what I consider as that which 
 might be the subject of amendment, the principle-of unanimi 
 ty in civil cases. But it ought not to be rashly changed, for 
 change may lead to its destruction, or rather its transition 
 into mere arbitration. In the essential law of its nature^ it 
 should be annexed to a court where men sit, who are learned 
 in the usages and customs, or written laws, of the society. 
 Human wisdom never has devised an equal mode of uniting 
 the means of ascertaining fact and applying law. It is the 
 life giving principle in this regulation, that the jury and the 
 court are associated in the trial, and that one cannot move 
 without the other. As to the mode of bringing forward 
 juries by return of the sheriff; by a special jury, select- 
 vol. 4, 4* 
 
50 MODE&N CHIVALRY. 
 
 ed in the manner known, or by election of the country, 
 these are particulars of a lesser nature, and may be the 
 subject of modification from time to time, and yet the 
 vital principle be preserved. But the moment the tribunals of 
 fact and law are separated, the talismanic charm is gone ; 
 that which was never understood before, will then be felt. 
 
 But, said the Governor, did they not lay aside law judges, 
 and attempt the system of mere arbitrament in France, du 
 ring the revolution ? 
 
 It would have been matter of wonder if they had not, said 
 the Chief Justice. When the cord from its extreme tension 
 is let go, it vibrates nearly as far on the other side of the 
 circle to that from which it had been drawn. What could 
 you expect in return from despotism, but the opposite ex 
 treme of anarchy? In the state of the public mind, in 
 France, what was there to arrest at a medium ? Was it natu 
 ral for the precipitancy of the national will, to stop short of 
 the utmost latitude ? You might as well expect the stone of 
 Sysiphus rolling down hill to stop of itself, before it reached 
 the bottom. What institutionswhat habits had they to 
 fall back upon ? We had our town meetings every where, 
 each in itself a miniature republic, where the people were 
 accustomed to meet, debate, and decide on all matters inter 
 esting them. Every individual had from tradition a stock of 
 political ideas, and had maxims of political rights almost 
 born with them. 
 
 Of what account was it, when the mode of settling dis 
 putes, relative to property in France, at some periods of the 
 revolution ? Proscriptions brought owners, and possessors, 
 so quickly to the guillotine ; and conscriptions took them so 
 hastily to the cannon's mouth, or the bayonet's point, that it 
 was of little consequence what were the tribunals of justice, or 
 of litigation. Buthad they the trial by the vicinage to lose? or 
 haye they continued to do even with judges ? Bonaparte 
 you may say, has given them courts, and made great reform 
 in their civil and criminal law, especially in giving uniformi- 
 
MODERN CHIVALRY. 51 
 
 ty of rule throughout his empire. Frederick had reduced 
 the law to a single code before him. It muit be admitted, 
 that although despots, they were both great and enlightened 
 reformers. 
 
 What was the law in France before the revolution ? From 
 what sources drawn? The Roman civil law. Not this only, 
 but usages, customs, and written laws of a general or local 
 nature, derived from their Gallic ancestors ; or from the 
 Goths of Franconia ; from the law of nature ; from the law 
 of nations ; from municipal institutions, dfed a thousand 
 sources as numerous as the springs that make the rivers of 
 their country. 
 
 Could not property be held and adjudged without a know 
 ledge of all these? said the governor no more than you 
 could breathe without the atmosphere, unless another atmos 
 phere be given you. For what is property, but that which is 
 peculiarly my right? And what constitutes it my right, but 
 the laws under which it was acquired, and to which it was 
 subject? 
 
 Is this Roman civil law, that you speak of, a thing of ex 
 tensive application ? said the governor. 
 
 It is as extensive, said the Chief Justice, as the common 
 law with us, or as any law must be, that arises out of the 
 multifarious concerns of a great community. Romulus made 
 regulations ; Numa, institutions ; the plebiscita, or resolu 
 tions of the tribunes and the commons ; senatus consulta ; 
 judicia pretoris ; responsa prudentum ; these with the twelve 
 tables, institutes, pandects, and commentaries, are grounds of 
 that law, which, on the decline and fall of the empire, was 
 incorporated by the barbarous nations in their codes, as they 
 became civilized, and an agricultural and commercial people. 
 It is the experience and wisdom of ages which can alone 
 provide for the cases of difference in matters oP claim or 
 right amongst a people. It will require the application of 
 years in those who administer these laws, to attain a know* 
 
52 MODERN CHIVALRY. 
 
 ledge of the rules established relative to them, and which 
 rules by the change of property under them, have become as 
 much the right of the citizens as the property itself. For 
 the laws of property go with it ; and are the right of the 
 purchaser ; and as much a part of his estate, as the charters 
 and documents that constitute the evidence of the acquisi 
 tion. A bit of a manual, or collect of the rules of a legisla 
 tive body, will fill a duodecimo volume ; and yet how small a 
 part in this of the " law of parliament," which embraces pri- 
 vilegesuimmunities, laws of election, &c. And in the code of 
 the community, there are a thousand chapters of law more 
 extensive than this, and equally important to be known, and 
 and every day in use by the whole of the people. So that 
 the disuse of lawyers, judges, and courts, or superseding the 
 necessity of them by novel institutions, is what will be found 
 impracticable consistent with government, without substitu 
 ting arbitrary despotic power, or trying all cases by the toss 
 of a copper. 
 
 Nevertheless, said Harum Scarum, who had just come in, 
 and heard the concluding part of what the chief justice had 
 said Harum Scarum, whom the governor had just, appointed 
 secretary: Nevertheless, said he, so it is, that nolens volens, 
 the people will have the lawyers and the judges down. They 
 may let the chief justice alone a while, because he is blind. 
 There is a generosity in men that leads them to spare, the 
 miserable. But as to lawyers that have their hands, and 
 judges that can see,' downtfreygo ; every day has its rage; 
 ca-ira-ca-ira it must go, it must go progress, progress. The 
 Marseilles hymn need not be sang to this. Marchez, March- 
 ez. It will march of itself, quick step. There needs no 
 drum beat, or fife to play. So much for lawyers ; they are 
 under way, and down they go. 
 
 Every .day has its trumpery of opinions, and pursuits; 
 obstinacies, and predilections. 4 The more free the people, 
 the more prolific are these fellows ; it is the rank growth of 
 freedom, shewing the productive energy the soil. It is 
 
MODERN CHIVALRY. 53 
 
 the alloy of the current coin. But we have seen this age 
 pass over, and now is the age of economies. A man wears 
 spectacles, or a clout over his eyes to save daylight, his shirt 
 over his coat, in the day time, and sleeps in his coat to save 
 his shirt. A sachem runs with his hinderparts bare, to save 
 breeches, but wastes as much oil to keep them from muske- 
 toes as would buy overalls to cover his nakedness. 
 
 Harum Scarum, said the governor, you are an extravagant 
 fellow, you exagerate. I expect better things from the peo 
 ple, said Harum true, we must say nothing disrespectful of 
 the people ! We had the age of swindlers some time ago. 
 Every man that had a mountain, or no matter whether he 
 had one or not, sold the top first, and then the bottom. For 
 though your lawyers say, that Cujus est solum, ejust est us 
 que ad coelum ; yet we have no such maxium as usque ad 
 Tartarum, and so he might sell the bottom, and by the bye, 
 represent it as level, and well watered, which he could not 
 always say, with a good conscience, as to the frustrum of the 
 cone whether the parabola, or the hyperbola. 
 
 CHAPTER VIII. 
 
 Tlie power of tlw Judicary to decide on the constitutionality of 
 a Law. 
 
 The power of the judicary to adjudge a law unconstitu 
 tional, and that I have touched on, the practicability of ad 
 justing civil controversies by arbitration, are two important 
 legal problems. 
 
 On the first point, we find a precedent in the government of 
 the Athenian people. I shall quoto from a translation of the 
 " travels of Anacharsis the younger." 
 
 " Amidst that multitude of decrees, we see from time to 
 time enacted with the sanction of the Senate and the people, 
 somo there are in manifest contradiction to the welfare of the 
 
54 MODERN CHIVALRY. 
 
 state, and which it is important not to suffer to subsist. But 
 as they were the acts of the legislative power, it should seem 
 that no authority, no tribunal is competent to annul them. 
 The people themselves should not attempt it, lest the orators 
 who have already taken them by surprise, should again mis 
 lead them. What resource then shall there be for the repub 
 lic? A law singular indeed at first sight, but admirable in 
 its nature, and so essential as to reduce it, impossible either 
 to suppress or neglect it, without destroying the democracy ; 
 I mean the law that authorises the very lowest citizen to ap 
 peal from a judgment of the whole people, whenever he is 
 able to demonstate, that the new decree is contrary to the 
 laws already established. It is also an additional check to 
 the abuse of power by the legislature." 
 
 "Arbitrators called upon to decide affairs where one of the 
 parties are their friends, or relations might be tempted to 
 pronounce an iniquitous judgment ; in such cases it is provi 
 ded, that the cause may be removed into the superior eburts. 
 They might also permit themselves to be corrupted by pres 
 ents, or influenced by private prejudices ; in which case the 
 injured party has a right at the expiration of the year to 
 prosecute them in a court of justice, and compel them to de 
 fend and shew the reasons of their award. The arbitrators 
 are also compelled to serve, under a penalty." 
 
 And here I will ask what is the trial by jury, which we 
 have hitherto prized so highly, but arbitration with the assis 
 tance of the court composed of able lawyers? And when 
 there is an appeal from the compulsory arbitration, is it not 
 a return to that made of trial, and consequently an admission 
 that there has been no improvement on it ? Still I grant, 
 that even this kind of arbitration may be useful, although it 
 should not supercede the jury trial. 
 
 " In these circumstances, it is the invisible sovereign, it is 
 the laws which loudly protest against the national judgment 
 that has violated them ; it is in the name of the laws that the 
 accusation is brought forward; it is before the tribunal, 
 
MODERN CHIVALKY. 55 
 
 which is the chief depository and avenger of the laws, that 
 it is prosecuted; and the judges by setting aside the decree, 
 only pronounce that the authority of the people has happen 
 ed to clash unintentionally with that of the laws ; or rather 
 they maintain the ancient and permanent decisions of the 
 people against their present and transient inclinations." 
 
 On the second point, I meet with a precedent, in the same 
 state, the Athenian, and I quote from the same book. " I 
 cannot overlook an institution which appears to me highly 
 favorable to these, who, though they appeal to the laws, wish 
 not to be litigious. Every year forty inferior judges go the 
 circuit through the different towns of Attica, hold their assi 
 zes there, decide on certain acts of violence, and terminate all 
 processes for small sums, referring more considerable causes 
 to arbitration." 
 
 " These arbitrators are all persons of good reputation, 
 and about sixty years of age. At the end of every year, 
 they are drawn by lot, out of each tribe, to the number of 
 forty-four. 
 
 " Persons who do not choose to expose themsolves to the 
 delays of ordinary justice, to deposit a sum of money previ 
 ous to the judgment, or to pay the fine (damages) decreed 
 against the plaintiff, failing in his proofs, may confide their 
 interest to one or more arbitrators nominated by themselves, 
 or whom the Archon draws by lot in their presence. When 
 the arbitrators are of their own choice, they take an oath to 
 abide by their decision for which they cannot appeal ; but if 
 they are chosen by lot, they are not deprived of that resource; 
 and the arbitrators inclose the depositions of the witnesses, 
 and all the documents of the process, into a box, which they 
 carefully seal up, and transmit to the Archon, whose duty it 
 is to lay the cause before one of the higher tribunals." 
 
 " If the Archon has referred the matter in dispute to arbi 
 trators drawn by lot, at the request only of one party, the 
 adverse party has the right, either to demur against the com 
 petency of the tribunals or to allege other exceptions." 
 
56 MODERN CHIVALRY. 
 
 CHAPTER IX. 
 
 In wliich tlie author relaxes a little from the gravity of the pr 
 eceding chapters. 
 
 A noise was heard coming down the town, and a cavalcade 
 accompanying. It was Clonmel the ballad singer followed 
 by the piper, and the blind fidler ; the one with his bag 
 pipes ; the other with his violin. Will Watlin was along 
 and had a bottle in his hand ; Tom the Tinker, O'Fin the 
 Irishman, the Latin schoolmaster, and a number of others- 
 The song sung was as follows : 
 
 Come gather away to the new town, 
 There's nothing but lilting there, 
 
 And piping and singing and dancing, 
 Throughout every day of the year. 
 
 No maid that comes here but gets married, 
 Before she is here half an hour ; 
 
 The brown, the black, or the hair red, 
 To live single is not in her power. 
 
 Come gather away, &c. 
 
 We get orr provisions for nothing ; 
 Just knock down a wolf or a bear, 
 
 The wear and the tear of our clothing, 
 A dresse'd skin, or just in the hair. 
 
 No trouble, no bubble, no sweating, 
 Like people that live in the smoke, 
 
 We catch the fresh fish with a netting, 
 And roasfr them just under the oak. 
 
 Come gather, &c. 
 
 Our governor is a fine fellow, 
 Chief justice as blind as a bat ; 
 
 The governor sometimes gets mellow, 
 And blinks himself like a cat. 
 
 No lawyers are here but a couple, 
 
MODERN CHIVALRY. 57 
 
 Just enough to keep up the breed, 
 
 The word of their mouth is a bubble, 
 And not worth a copper indeed. 
 
 Come gather, &c. 
 
 We have a fine printer, a devil, 
 To whack at their fees and the court, 
 
 Because that the rascals can give ill 
 Opinions that do us much hurt. 
 
 Good fortune, we have little money, 
 To quarrel and law suit about ; 
 
 So turn up the bottle dear honey, 
 But see that you dont drink it out. 
 
 Come gather, &c. 
 
 The air of this country is clearer, 
 The water is clearer by far, 
 
 The words of our wooing are dearer, 
 Such words as a body can spare ; 
 
 When we smother the maids with our kisses, 
 And they smother us in their turn ; 
 
 I swear by St. Patrick that this is, 
 The best country that ever was born. 
 
 Come gather, &c. 
 
 The lads they go out a racooning, 
 Or take at a squirrel a shot, 
 
 If they knock down a fowl they are soon in, 
 To show what a fowl they have got. 
 
 Great shame to the Paddies below stairs, 
 That live in the country below, 
 
 Lie snoring, and sleeping on bolsters ; 
 And lounging, one cannot tell how. 
 
 Come gather, &e. 
 
 Up to the mountains bog-trotters ; 
 Our shamrocks are fresh and are green, 
 
 Set traps for your beavers and otters, 
 And musk-rats the best ever seen. 
 vol. 4, 5 
 
68 MODERN CHIVALKY. 
 
 Though I am too lazy to rough it, 
 And go to the waters with you, 
 
 Because I have had just enough 'f it ; 
 Don't like to be as rich as a Jew. 
 
 Come gather, &c. 
 
 Oh, what is life but a blister, 
 Put on we cannot tell where ; 
 
 And sorrow herself is a sister, 
 To thinking and much taking care. 
 
 So let us be jovial and jolly, 
 And make out as well as we can ! 
 
 Who knows whether wisdom or folly, 
 Makes the better or the happier man. 
 
 Come gather, &c. 
 
 The drone of the piper; the screeching of the violin, and 
 the voices of the multitude, made such a noise, that one 
 would have thought they were in Dublin ; and had it not been 
 that Harum Scarum, looking out, saw what it was,the Gover 
 nor would have thought of issuing his proclamation to keep 
 the peace ; but the cause being understood, there was found 
 to be no necessity, and the secretary with the leave of the 
 Governor, took a turn with them. The editor of the journal 
 ieeing this, came out. The two lawyers filed in, a pedlar, 
 and the bog-trotter. Being all together, a new song was 
 struck up, and the whole joined in the chorus. 
 
 Who says we're not of all trades, 
 And some they call professions ; 
 
 Who wear their wigs or bald heads, 
 Scotch, English, Irish, Hessians ? 
 
 The lawyer and the journal, 
 Though of a different calling, 
 
 And long, so like to turn all, 
 To tails with caterwauling. 
 
 Yet here they join in melody, 
 
MODERN CHIVALRY. 
 
 Walk hand in hand before us. 
 
 And they may go to hell, the day 
 They spoil the general chorus. 
 
 The bat has but its living, 
 No more than has the cat, 
 
 The carter with his driving, 
 Tis all he can get at. 
 
 The tinker lives by blowing, 
 His bellows in the fire ; 
 
 The lawyer lives by throwing, 
 His snout a little higher. 
 
 
 
 The pedlar goes the circuit, 
 
 And carries his small pack, 
 
 The judge has harder work o't s 
 Impeachments on his back. 
 
 So let us all be liberal, 
 Let one another live. 
 
 Dick, Harry, Tom and Gabriel, 
 Which ever way they drive. 
 
 The fidler and the piper, 
 The flute and fife agree. 
 
 The boatmen or the skipper, 
 Tis all the same to me. 
 
 O'Fin, come taste the jorum. 
 And Harum Scarum pledge, 
 
 And Horum Harum Horuin, 
 Will take it next I'ngage. 
 
 Here's to the world of worthies, 
 That love a merry song ; 
 
 Let all your topsy turvys, 
 Now drink and hold your tongue. 
 
 With respect to the fling at the economies, it was written 
 
60 MODERN CHIVALRY. 
 
 currente calamo, and in the way of pleasantry. I am aware 
 of the incapacity, and consequent presumption of an indivi 
 dual not master of reasons and circumstances, to undertake 
 to judge of public measures, on a great scale. It is not from 
 between decks in a vessel that we expect to hear directions 
 to take in sail, or to steer upon a wind, but from the officer 
 of the deck, who knows the ships way, what sail she carries, 
 and sees the weather. Carping at public measures we do not 
 understand, is not the part of a good citizen. I have no res 
 pect for the mere factious, especially when the country is 
 engaged in a controversy with a foreign power. At the 
 fame time, unless there is a perfect freedom of opinion, those 
 at the helm, will be at a loss to know the impressions which 
 public measures give, and mistake silence for approbation. 
 Hence the deceitful calm, succeeded by a squall as sudden, 
 as destructive. 
 
 CHAPTER X. 
 
 Which treats of tlie writings of Tom Paine. 
 
 Having elsewhere spoken of Tom Paine, I take occasion to 
 Bay something further respecting him. I have said he was 
 an uncommon, but uninformed man. His writings during 
 the revolution were of great service to our cause, and this 
 was owing not to the novelty, or originality of his ideas, but 
 to the peculiar felicity of his style, and the magic of his wit, 
 whbh was understood by every one, and came home to every 
 mind. If he had not written his work against the Christian 
 religion, styled the "Age of Reason," he might have been 
 remembered with gratitude, and his writings have retained 
 the same rank with those of " Junius." 
 
 His thoughts on the subject of religion, which he believed 
 original, had all existed in the doubts of the sceptic, although 
 never expressed in the same popular language and allusion. 
 He had no need to tsll philosophers, that. s<>me, parts of it 
 
MODERN CHIVALRY*. 61 
 
 were not confirmed by the progress of science ; to those who 
 had got over the difficulty, it was of no use, and to those who 
 had never got into it, it was mischievous. For his vote in 
 favor of Louis XVI. I could almost regard him as a philan 
 thropist, if his motive, and walk in private life had corres 
 ponded. If, instead of his assault on revealed religion, he 
 had given us a volume of incidents, depicting with his pe 
 culiar felicity of style, the follies and outrages of the French 
 reign of terror which he must have witnessed, instead of a 
 work to display the vanity of overturning ancient institutions, 
 he would have rendered a service to the cause of rational 
 liberty. The horrors of that dreadful state of anarchy, with 
 crop after crop of atrocities, branching through every vein 
 and artery of society. Although a lover of liberty, and for a 
 time entertaining a hope of something better than the 'reign 
 of the Bourbons, yet I was so disgusted with the scenes of 
 the French revolution, during the excesses of that period, 
 that I could not bear to read a paragraph of French news. I 
 saw where it would end it could not but end in despotism.* 
 Tom Paine had not considered man's nature, in the tearing up 
 of institutions by the roots. It is easier to pull down than to 
 build up. In tearing down you destroy the good with the 
 bad, and you have no certainty as to what may be erected in 
 its place. It is very much like burning the barn to get rid of 
 the rats, or plowing up a field of corn, to destroy the weeds. 
 
 Even supposing the representation of the theologians to be 
 unsupported by sound reasoning, why dissepate an illusion, 
 which is a source of so much relief under present suffering, 
 and holds out so high a hope to the believer,.. doing no injury 
 to the order of society, but tending to preserve peace and 
 harmony. He should have left the priests alone, who had 
 trouble enough without the enmity of Thomas Paine. 
 
 If we reject revelation altogether, there is an end of 
 
 * We see the same result at the present day, whether this is to 
 be ascribed to the want of checks and balances in the govern, 
 rnent, or to the character of the people, it is difficult to say. 
 vol. 4, 5* 
 
62 MODERN CHIVALRY. 
 
 religion, for the heathen mythology, was only the belief of 
 the vulgar among the ancients. If we could ircpauel a jury 
 of snch men as Plato, Socrates, Cicero, Aristotle, Epatchs, 
 and Seneca, it cannot be doubted that they would give their 
 verdict for the Christian over the Mahometan, or Jewish 
 religions. The only question would be between the three, 
 and no religion at all. 
 
 At the same time, I have no respect for those narrow 
 minded bigots, who are constantly alarmed at the progress of 
 science. They are only sceptics of another kind. They 
 unconsciously betrayed doubt, and want of confidence, by 
 their efforts to avert investigation. These are the men who 
 uphold witchcraft, and the revolution of the sun, through 
 fear that the contrary may be inconsistent with particular 
 passages of scripture. We must look at the general scope 
 and object of revelations which have reference to those things 
 which science and mere unassisted reason cannot reveal. 
 When Plato read his dialogue on the immortality of the soul, 
 all his school rose up save Aristotle I presume the logical 
 mind of the youth thought the reasoning unsatisfactory. 
 Those who accept it as a truth revealed, have no need of in 
 quiring further. 
 
 ~" ~~ * i 
 
 CHAPTER XI. 
 
 The lay preacher is appointed Chaplain by the Governor. 
 
 The lay preacher having been announced by the faculty, 
 sui compos, and come to his reason, had been dismissed from 
 the hospital, and had come to the new settlement. This was 
 now a kind of Botany Bay to the old country, with this differ 
 ence, that here the outcasts came voluntarily, but there of 
 force. The Governor received the lay preacher with courtesy, 
 and made him his chaplain. The Sunday following, he 
 preached to a numerous congregation in the chapel, in the 
 
MODERN CHIVALRY. 63 
 
 Woods. His discourse was taken down in short hand by the 
 editor of the " Twilight," and has appeared in his paper. As 
 it would seem worth preserving, we have copied it and given 
 it in this work. 
 
 THE SERMON. 
 
 Shadracli, Meskech, and Abednego. Dan. iii. 12. 
 
 These are the Hebrew names for Tom, Dick and Harry, and 
 applicable to this settlement, which is a colluvies of all na 
 tions : Mac's, O's, and Ap's ; Erse, Irish and Welsh. But as 
 in a garden, a variety of seeds and plants, is desirable, so in 
 a settlement where the human species is about to be cultiva 
 ted, and this not only for the sake of what pleases the fancy, 
 but what is useful for the kitchen, or for medicine : so let no 
 uncharitableness prevail among you, and one cast up to the 
 other, his origin, former occupation, or character. I presume 
 there would oe but little to gain or lose on a fair balance, 
 and set-off, as the lawyers say among you. But it is best to 
 consider all accounts squared, and set out in a new partner 
 ship. 
 
 It falls to the lot of my function, to see what good advice I 
 can give ; for it is by admonition only that I can serve the 
 commonwealth. I shall content myself with some things 
 merely temporal. 
 
 The sin that most easily besets a new settler is laziness, or, 
 to give it a more civil term, indolence. He gets the means of 
 life easily : he sets a trap over night ; or he goes out with 
 his gun in the morning, and kills game. The flesh serves for 
 food, and the skin for covering. The soil is fertile, and yields 
 some thirty, some forty, some sixty, and some an hundred 
 fold. This just by a little stirring of the hoe. For you must 
 know that I myself have been brought up in a new settle 
 ment, and know the history of such. Though that settle 
 ment, in which I was brought up, is now an hundred miles 
 below us, not by the sinking of the earth, but by the frontier 
 
64 MODERN CHIVALRY. 
 
 pushing back, and settling beyond it. Indolence, I know, is 
 a vice of that situation. For necessity is the mother of in 
 vention, and impels to labour* 
 
 " Duris in rebus urgens agestas." 
 said the Latin schoolmaster, 
 
 " Improbus labor omnia vincit." 
 
 Drive out that fellow there, said the sexton. He disturbs 
 the congregation. 
 
 The preacher proceeded. 
 
 Now, if a man can live without working, he will not work. 
 The cattle of a settler browzes in the woods, and subsists 
 even in the winter without other shelter or food, than the 
 under-wood, and such shrubbery as covers the head of a 
 valley, where the soil is dry, and the spring rises. The 
 wilderness obstructs the course of the winter winds, and the 
 cabin is warm on the south side of the hill. Hence the 
 temptation to indolence. 
 
 But there is a worse sin that easily besets the settler in a 
 new country ; these especially that settle in a town, where 
 there is usually a tavern, a store, and a race ground for the 
 horse jockies. This sin is intemperance. Horse jockeying, 
 shooting matches, and all elections, are an inlet to this. Show 
 me a man that frequents the county town much, and I will 
 show you one that is in the way to contract a habit of intoxi 
 cation. The little peltry he may have got to buy himself a 
 hunting shirt, or a little tea and sugar, for his family, goes 
 into the whiskey bottle. 
 
 Now to the application, said Harum Scarum, this will do 
 for the body of the sermon. 
 
 As to application, said the preacher, I will leave that to 
 every man to make for himself. You can all apply the doc 
 trine as well as I can. 
 
 "Non omnia possumus omnes." 
 said the Latinist. 
 
 Will not that fellow be quiet yet ? said the sexton, drive 
 him out. 
 
MODERN CHIVALRY. 65 
 
 By the bye he was out already, for the woods- was all the 
 chapel that they had; and a rising ground for the pulpit ; 
 but the sexton meant to remove him from the circle ; and 
 it was so understood ; for they pushed him back to some dis 
 tance. 
 
 The governor reprimanded Harum Scarum for his inter 
 ruption, also ; for though this could be considered but as a 
 substitute for preaching, until a regular clergyman came 
 forward ; yet, in the mean time, the rules of propriety ought 
 to be observed, and interruption or desultory dialogue was 
 .improper. 
 
 Harum Scarum asked pardon, but wished the preacher 
 would stick a little more to his text, and illustrate the words 
 " Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego." 
 
 The preacher said he had done that already, and would 
 rot return to it ; but, as the usual time had elapsed, he 
 would now end his discourse. 
 
 CHAPTER XII. 
 
 Containing a dessertation on common sense, tlie most uncom 
 mon of all kinds of sense. 
 
 After thinking a good deal upon what might be given as a 
 definition of common sense ; in other words, what phrase 
 might be substituted in lieu of it ; for that is what is meant 
 by a definition : I would try whether the phrase natural 
 judgment would not do. Getting up a little in the world, and 
 examining mankind, there was nothing that struck me so 
 much, as to find men, though eminent in a profession, seem 
 ing to want judgment in matters of knowledge, which was 
 common to me with them.* I took it for granted, that it was 
 
 * On the trial of Blannerhasset, a witness was asked whether 
 Mr. B. was not a man of superior understanding, he replied ho 
 had all kind of sense except common sense ! 
 
66 MODERN CHIVALRY. 
 
 owing to the mind being so much employed in a particular 
 way. That is a good deal in this. For a mathematician, capa 
 ble of demonstrating all the problems of Euclid ; and even 
 of inventing shorter and clearer methods of demonstration, 
 may be incapable of comparing ideas, and drawing conclu 
 sions on a matter of domestic economy or national concern. 
 For though a great deal may be owing to a knowledge of the 
 particular subject, and a habit of thinking upon it; yet as 
 much or more depends upon the natural judgment. I will 
 select the instance of a lawyer, because it is in that profession, 
 that I have had an opportunity, the most, of examining the 
 original powers of the mind. In this profession I have 
 found those of the highest reputation of legal knowledge, 
 and who were so, and yet were not the most successful in 
 particular causes. The reason was, that though they had a 
 knowledge of rules, they failed in the application of them 
 and had not given good advice, in bringing or defending the 
 action in which they had been consulted. Or whether the 
 cause were good or bad, they had wanted judgment in con 
 ducting it. The attempting to maintain untenable ground ; 
 or the points upon which they put the case, showed a want 
 of judgment. It is the same thing in the case of a judge. 
 The knowledge of all law goes but a little way to the discern 
 ing the justice of the cause. Because the application of the 
 rule to the case, is the province of judgment. Hence it is 
 that if my cause is good, and I am to have my choice of two 
 judges, the one of great legal science, but deficient in natural 
 judgment; the other of good natural judgment, but of no 
 legal knowledge, I would take the one that had what we call 
 common sense. For though I could not have a perfect con 
 fidence in the decision of one or the other, yet I would think 
 my chance best with the one that had common sense. If my 
 cause was bad, I might think I stood some chance with the 
 learned judge, deficient in natural judgment. An ingenious 
 advocate would lead off his mind, upon some quibble, and 
 calling that law, flatter him U p 0n his knowing the law, and 
 
MODERN CHIVALRY. 67 
 
 lest his knowledge of it should be called in question, the 
 learned judge might determine for him. For there is noth 
 ing that alarms a dunce so much as the idea of reason. It is 
 a prostrating principal that puts him upon a level with the 
 bulk of mankind. The knowledge of an artificial rule sets 
 him above these, and is, therefore maintained by him with 
 all the tenacity of distinguishing prerogative. 
 
 But it does not follow, that I undervalue legal knowledge 
 in a lawyer, or judge, or resolve all into common sense in 
 that or any other profession or occupation. 
 
 I select, in the next instance, that of a physician. What 
 can one do in this profession, without medical knowledge? 
 And yet without good sense, the physician is as likely to kill 
 as to cure. It is the only means that 0113 v, ho is not a physi 
 cian himself has to judge of the skill of one who calls him 
 self such, what appears to be the grade of his mind, and his 
 understanding upon common subjects. We say, he does not 
 appear to have common sense ; how can he be trusted in his 
 profession ? Common sense, I take to be, therefore, judgment 
 upon common subjects ; and that degree of it which falls to 
 the share of the bulk of mankind. For even amongst the 
 common people, we speak of mother wit, which is but ano 
 ther name for common sense. If I were to be requested to 
 look for a man of &ense, I should be as apt to find him on the 
 tailor's board as on the judge's bench. 
 
 Clergy wit, is that of school learning ; or the lessons of 
 science, in which a dunce may be eminent. For it requires 
 but memory and application. But the adage is the dictate 
 of experience, and the truth of it is eternal, "An ounce of 
 mother wit is worth a pound of clergy." 
 
 We speak of an egregious blockhead, and say, he has not 
 even common sense : that is, he has not the very thing that ia 
 necessary to begin with ; and which every person is usually 
 endowed with, that has the proportions of the human form. 
 It seems to be something bordering on instinct, and resem- 
 
68 MODERN CHIVALRY. 
 
 bles it in the uniformity and certainty of its operations. It 
 is that without which, it is not worth while attempting to 
 make a great man. What is a general without common 
 sense that is, natural judgment? But why talk of generals, 
 or lawyers, or judges or go so far from home? Where we 
 see, as we sometimes do, the want of natural judgment, in 
 the management of a man's own affairs, on a small scale ; 
 whether of manufactures, or farming, wo say that he cannot 
 succeed ; and in general, though not always, the want of 
 success in common pursuits, is owing to inexperience, or a 
 want of natural judgment. A labourer once worked two 
 months with me to buy a cow for the use of his family, but 
 instead of the cow, bought himself a broad-cloth coat, when 
 a woolen wambus would have answered as well. He soon 
 after complained that his family was suffering for want of 
 food. So the quibbling In a matter of contract ; the evasion 
 of fulfilment, is a want of natural judgment. I think the poet 
 says, 
 
 "The want of honesty is want of sense." 
 
 There can be nothing more true. And I think it is remarka 
 ble, that in those divine writings, which we call, by way of 
 eminence, the scriptures, dishonesty is called folly ; and 
 honesty wisdom. In truth, I feel at times almost as much 
 indignation against a fool as against a rogue, and it is even 
 doubtful which is the most mischievous. I hear of one hav 
 ing the reputation of being simply a man of sense ; I cannot 
 well conceive a higher testimony in his favor, no matter what 
 may be his situation in life. 
 
 Common sense is that degree of understanding which is given 
 to men in general, though some are peculiarly favoured with 
 uncommon powers. But no man can be said to have com 
 mon sense, who is a knave. For, of all things, it is the 
 strongest proof of a want of judgment npon an extensive 
 scale. Had I the world to begin again, with all the experi 
 ence that years have given me, and were to think myself at 
 liberty, from all considerations of duty or obligation ; yet, on 
 
MODERN CHIVALRY. GO 
 
 the principle of self-interest, I would be honest, and exceed, 
 rather than come short, in giving to all their due. For it is 
 the adage, and as true as any of the apothegms that we hear, 
 that honesty is the best policy. Indeed all the rujfg of mor 
 ality are but maxims of prudence. They all lead to self-pre 
 servation ; arid had they no other foundation, they would 
 rest upon this, as sufficient to support them. The discerning 
 mind sees its interest as clear as a ray of light, leading it to 
 do justice. Let me see any man quibble aud evade, cheat or 
 defraud, and I do not say constructively, and with a refer 
 ence to a future state, but in relation to this life, and hia 
 temporal affairs, that he is unwise ; that is, be wants the 
 judgment to perceive his true interest. This is the presump* 
 tion ; and when knavery is found to consist with strong 
 powers, I resolve it into defect of fortitude, or want of reso 
 lution, to be what the man must know he ought to be. The 
 
 Video meliora proboque 
 
 Deteriora sequor 
 
 " I know the right, approve it too, 
 
 Condemn the wrong, but still the wrong pursue," 
 
 Is correct. Present gain is preferred to future good : like 
 the savage who wishes the tree cut down, that he may have all 
 the fruit at one season. The feelings of resentment, or of 
 love and strong passions, ambition or avarice, like tempests 
 on the ocean take away the presence of mind, and baffle the 
 skill of the navigator. Therefore my reasoning does not ap 
 ply in cases where the passions are concerned, but in a case 
 of dispassionate judging, as in a matter of meum and tuum, 
 between indifferent persons; or where the question may be, 
 by what means an object is most directly attainable, the 
 strength of natural judgment, or common sense, shows itself. 
 Where the crooked path is chosen, or the false conception is 
 entertained, we say there is a want of common sense. 
 
 In throwing out these reflections of a moral nature, I re 
 fresh myself a little in the course of my memoir, and present 
 a chapter, now and then, like an Oasis in the great sands of 
 Africa : here the reader, like the Caravan, may stop for a 
 vol. 4, 4* 
 
70 MODERN CHIVALRY. 
 
 little time, and taste the cool spring, or nibble a pile of grass; 
 and go on again. In short, all other parts of my book will 
 appear to some, a wide waste, producing nothing profitable. 
 To them, a green spot of moral truth, now and then occurring, 
 will reconcile to the traversing the desert ; or rather, in pass 
 ing the sands, will give relief. Were it not that I am afraid 
 of lessening too much the chapters of amusement, and so 
 losing readers, it would be more agreeable to my own mind 
 to moralize more. But I must not forget, that it is only by 
 means of amusing, that I could get readers ; or have an op 
 portunity of reaching the public with my lecture. This will 
 be as it may ; but it has always been amongst my apologies 
 for this play of fancy, in which I have so much indulged my 
 imagination. 
 
 I add a thought or two on the subject treated of in the 
 beginning of this chapter, common sense. We find in the 
 poet Horace, Sat. 1. line 66, this expression: 
 
 " Communi sensu plane caret" 
 
 He wants common sense. The poet applies it to his own 
 case, as what might be said of him, when at any time he had 
 interrupted unseasonably his patron, Maecenas, when reading, 
 or intruded upon him when engaged in business. 
 
 " Simplicior quis, et est qualem me ssepe legentem 
 Aut taciturn, impellat quovis sermone molestus ? 
 This had evinced a want of attention to circumstances, and 
 so far, a defect of judgment. A want of discrimination, it 
 may be inferred, is a want of common sense, a want of that 
 which is the foundation of manners, as well as morals, as it 
 is the source of prudence, and true wisdom in thought and 
 action. 
 
 CHAPTER XIII. 
 
 Indian hostilities a war party attacks the settlement is pur 
 sued, and Teague by accident becomes a hero, and is made a 
 general. 
 The frontier settlers, as usual were at war with the neigh- 
 
MODERN CHIVALRY. 71 
 
 bouring Indians. These were robbed of their beaver, their 
 hunting grounds were invaded, and in revenge they took the 
 scalps of the whites, man, woman or child, wherever they 
 could. A party had lately broken into the settlement, and 
 dislodged several families, scalping, killing, and burning, and 
 then hastily retreating. A party of settlers had gone out>in 
 pursuit, and among the rest was Teague. The bog-trotter 
 reflecting with himself, that the savages were not likely to 
 be overtaken, and so no great danger of fighting in the case, 
 did not greatly hesitate to be one ; inasmuch as if they should 
 overtake these freebooters, there was such a thing as running 
 from them, as well as after them. But after a few hours 
 march, coming upon a trail of these, which appeared to have 
 crossed the settlement in a transverse direction, the word 
 Indians was given ; which Teague no sooner heard, than he 
 began to retrace his steps with some alacrity. It was on a 
 ridge or bend of a hill ; the Indians crossing the hill, had 
 gone into the valley, and came round again nearly to the 
 place where the whites had ascended it. It happened there 
 fore very naturally, that the Indians and the bog-trotter, 
 though neither meaning it, had fallen in with each other ; 
 the bog-trotter on the flank of the Indians. It had been for 
 the sake of water to boil their kettles, that these savages had 
 gone down to the, valley and encamped the night before. 
 Being now on their way to regain their direction, it happen 
 ed that they came into the rear of the party pursuing them. 
 The bog-trotter had by this time accelerated his speed con 
 siderably, and the declivity of the bill was such that he found 
 it impossible to arrest himself, being under the impetus of 
 the projectile motion which he had acquired, coming on them 
 so unexpectedly, and seeing nothing before him but death 
 from the tomahawks of at least thirty Indians, he raised the 
 tremendous shout of desperation ; which the savages mistak 
 ing for the cry of onset, as is customary with them when 
 they are sure of victory, to raise the war-whoop ; magnify 
 ing the shout by their imaginations into that of a large party 
 
72 MODERN CHIVALRY. 
 
 overtaking them, they threw away their packs and scalps, 
 and made their way towards the Irdian country ; not doubt 
 ing but that the whole settlement was in pursuit of them. 
 
 When the party of whites came up to the brow of the hill, 
 and saw the bog-trotter in possession of the ground and the 
 booty, they took it for granted, that singly and alone he had 
 discomiitted the indians. It was a divel of an engagement 
 said he ; by de holy father, I must have shot at least a hund 
 red of dem ; but de fun o' de world was to see de spalpeens 
 carrying of de wounded on deir backs like shape stalers. 
 And did you stay so long back and not come to de battle? Oh ! if 
 I had had two or tree good tight boys along wid me, when I 
 came up wid dem, I could have kilt de whole, or made dem 
 prisoners. Bad luck to ye, if it wasn't for de shame o' de 
 ting upon de country, I would have a court martial upon de 
 matter; but as to de packs and de booty, it is all my own. I 
 had taken dem before you come up ; and the divil a hand 
 had you in de victory. 
 
 This was not disputed, and the matter was accommodated, 
 on its being agreed that nothing more should be said about 
 the court martial. 
 
 Though upon a small scale this was thought a very bril 
 liant affair of the bog-trotter. A sword was offered him, and 
 there was a talk of making him a major-general. In a re 
 publican government, the honest souls of the people are 
 lavish of their gratitude ; though they sometimes mistake the 
 merit, or demerit of services. And how can it otheiwise be 
 when the people cannot themselves be all present to see what 
 is done ; nor, if they were present, and could see, are tho 
 bulk capable of judging in what case success is to be attribu 
 ted to design or to accident; and indeed where the design 
 and execution may have been all that human foresight and 
 resolution could promise oc perform, yet the event may have 
 been unfortunate. Fortune de guerre, applied to an individ 
 ual, may be applied to measures. There is a fatality in some 
 cases that baffles the wisest councils, and the most heroic 
 
MODERN CHIVALRY. 73 
 
 enterprize; and again a kind of magic, or something like a 
 charm that turns to account what in nature and the ordinary 
 course, ought to have produced nothing but disappointment, 
 and the reverse of what has come to pass. Old generals are 
 not always the most successful, because they are afraid of 
 accident and leave too little to chance, while the know nothing, 
 fear nothing, has oftentimes been the secret of fortunate ad 
 venture. 
 
 When it has been said that men have been taken from thd 
 plough, and put at the head of armies, it does not mean that 
 they have been taken from drawing the plough, in the man 
 ner of oxen or draft cattle ; but that they have been taken 
 from holding the plough, while these averia carucse, or beasts 
 of the plough, not liable to be distrained by the common law, 
 drew the plough. I cannot cite an instance of those actu 
 ally in traces, being cut from these, and turning out great 
 generals; but it could not be said to be far from this in some 
 instances. It is certain, that one may take a hundred diplo 
 mas, and still be a dunce.* For nature is above all art, and 
 let what will be said about discipline, a little mother wit, as 
 in all other sciences, goes farther to make a great commaiid- 
 er, than tactics without it. The theory of keeping the head 
 upright, and handling the firelock, is doubtless a good lesson 
 to begin with ; and the positions of the body, and the move 
 ments of the feet, are beyond all question, useful to be taught 
 to the young soldier; and on these will depend facing and 
 forming ; wheeling, or flanking off with slow or quick move 
 ments. But with all this, the general has little to do. It is 
 the office of the drill sergeant, and the adjutant of the regi 
 ment, or of the subalterns and officers inferior to a general. 
 
 * Franklin was self-taught Priestly was highly educated 
 Washington was self taught Burgoyne was an elegant scholar 
 Hamilton was self taught Madison had all the advantages of 
 the college. We might run these paralels without end Clay 
 and Webster, our two best orators would form one of those, one 
 self taught, the other educated, 
 vol. 4, 5 
 
?4 MODERN :HIVALRV. 
 
 It lakes a long time to be perfect in these ; but the eye that 
 can choose a ground, that can arrange and dispose a force, a 
 mind that can reach the exigencies of the day with foresight, 
 relieve and remedy unforseen accidents, make the general. 
 A weak mind, and slow perception, with all the tactics that 
 can be taught, and all the lessons, from experience, that can 
 be given, whether from reading or seeing service, can go but 
 a little way. A military man may have Folard in his head, 
 with all the notes that may have been written upon him, and 
 yet be unequal to the conduct of an army ; for general rules 
 cannot in their nature be always applied to particular cases > 
 and something new in most, if not in all, will occur to diver 
 sify the situation, go that good sense and natural judgment, 
 is the first thing to be considered in the appointment of one 
 who is to conduct an expedition. But it is not an easy matter, 
 or rather it is not posssible to discover and select such, with 
 certainty, for officers, at the commencement of a war. Some, 
 like Clive, are born generals, but they are not met with often* 
 The pressure of affairs must throw them up, as the element 
 of air rises when terrene substances subside. A war alono 
 can find out choice spirits to whom a command may be en 
 trusted. For a long time merit may be obscured, and talents 
 remain undistinguished, while even cowardice and blunders 
 may, in a particular instance, give a temporary reputation. 
 When I am told that such a one is reputed, simply a man of 
 sense, I think I see a foundation or groundwork, which gives 
 me assurance that that person may be trusted any where, 
 and without it, there is little confidence in any thing he may 
 be engaged to perform. 
 
 Teague was spoken of as a major-general, when he ought 
 to have been dismissed the service, could the truth have been 
 ascertained. But appearances were in his favour ; for who 
 could think that, but for the most desperate courage, he 
 would have attacked sixty or an hundred Indians fifty or 
 sixty, at least, it was said? For, the prisoners rescued, 
 spoke of there being that number. These prisoners, chiefly 
 
MODERN CHIVALRY. 75 
 
 consisting of individuals half dead, were incapable of dis 
 tinguishing the circumstance of the bog-trotter, being preci 
 pitated upon their captors by an involuntary centripetal force; 
 or the ell of despair, from that of desperate resolution. And 
 as their gratitude was lively for their deliverance, they yield 
 ed to no cold examination of the manner in which it was 
 brought about. As for Teague, like Achilles, he claimed 
 every thing for himself 
 
 Nihil non arrogat armis* 
 
 Though but of the grade of a corporal when he went out, 
 he now thought himself entitled to be made general O'Regan. 
 He had at this time, certain it is, the perfect confidence of the 
 people, who were clamorous for his appointment, and indeed 
 he might be said to be forced upon the governor. 
 
 Teague, said the governor, you know that you are no such 
 kill-devil as the people take you to be. This affair of yours 
 was but matter of accident ; and instead of being promoted, 
 you ought to have been broke for it. Were you not actually 
 running away when you fell in with the indians ? 
 
 Love your soul, now, said the bog-trotter, that is always de 
 way wid your honour, to make noting of de greatest battle 
 dat was ever fought since de times of de ould wars in Ireland, 
 when Phelim O'Nale kilt a hunder men wid his great soord, 
 and dey were nothing de wiser for it. How could I get down 
 to de bottom o' de hill, if I had'nt jumped upon dese Indians 
 when I saw dem, and de party of militia dat were after me, 
 but so far Dehind ? Had dey come up in time, diyil an Indi 
 an would have gone to deir own country, bad luck to dem. 
 Give me a tight little bit od an army wid- me, and if I dont 
 take de whole o 7 dem widin tree months at fardest, den you 
 may say, I am not Teague O'Regan. 
 
 I thought it of little consequence, said the governor, to 
 countenance your ambition, Teague, inbeing a candidate for 
 the legislature, or in being made a judge. The one or the 
 other of these being a province in which property only is 
 concerned ; unless, indeed, in the case of a judge, in whose 
 
76 MODERN CHIVALRY. 
 
 way, it may come sometimes to hang a person, though a jury 
 must be accessary to it- But it is of more moment, to put a 
 brigade or two of lives at a time, in the power of an incom 
 petent person. It is not your inexperience that I so much 
 distrust ; for I am well aware, that as the good constitution 
 of a patient often saves the credit of the physician, so the 
 bravery of troops may gain a battle, which the want of skill 
 in the commander had put in jeopardy. But it is your natu 
 ral judgment that I distrust. I have never been able to dis 
 cover in you, comprehension of mind that would seem to me 
 to fit you for a general. I have no doubt of your being capa 
 ble of being made, in due time, a good parade officer ; atten 
 tive to the minutiae of dress, or movement of the body ; or to 
 wear the hat on a corner of the head ; or to give words of 
 command, such as fase, march, halt, wheel, &c. in a broken 
 sort of way, with the brogue on your tongue ; but all requi. 
 site comparing, and. contriving, and reasoning, I have not a 
 perfect confidence in your capacity. For instance, suppose 
 you were called upon for the plan of a campaign, or battle, 
 or even for the attack on a military post, tell me what you 
 would do ? As for dat, captain, said Teague, give me de 
 commission, and give me de boys, and I'll show you de plan. 
 If that is the case, said the governor, and the people will 
 have it so, in a republican government, they must be obeyed. 
 Nor does it always follow in a monarchy, that the ablest men 
 are appointed to offices. For favour, and family, or party 
 interest, will raise, and sometimes support the unworthy. 
 But take notice that you have got a great reputation, and 
 much will be expected of you. The smallest disappointment 
 in the expectation of the people, will trundle you down as 
 fast as your fears precipitated you from that hill above the 
 Indians, where you got a victory, or at least a pretty good 
 booty. You think that you will be able always to stay in the 
 rear, and send your men on before you. On the contrary, it 
 will behoove you sometimes to reconnoitre ; and in that case, 
 you will be under the necessity of exposing yourself to sharp- 
 
MODERN CHIVALRY. 77 
 
 shooters and batteries. A cannon ball may take your head 
 off, though at the distance of a mile or two. The post of 
 danger is not always a private station- Charles the XII, of 
 Sweden, was shot through the head with a musket ball. This 
 thing called grape-shot, is a disagreeable kind of article, 
 coming about the head and ears, like flakes in a snow storm. 
 We had pretty hot work of it at Monmouth, and Brandy- 
 wine, ar d at some other places during my tour of service. 
 You may escape perhaps, with a, shoulder taken off, or hip 
 shot away ; or if a skilful operator is at hand to take off an 
 arm, it does not always follow that a man dies, though when 
 the brains are out there are very few that survive it. The 
 smoke and fire of musketry and big guns, and the hurly 
 burley of men pushing beyonets, is nothing to the war whoop 
 of Indians taking off scalps; which, I take it, you would not 
 mind much, being a little used to think about it. 
 
 Here, O'Regan put his hand to his head, as if feeling 
 whether the scalp was yet on. 
 
 By de holy faders, said he, if dis is de way of being in one 
 of dese battles, it is a better commission to be bog-trotting 
 wid your honour. Keep d' your papers, and give it to some 
 fool dat will take it. I'd radder have a good warm scalp 
 upon my head, dan all de commissions in de nation ; and my 
 legs and my arms to my body, and my body to my legs and 
 arms. For having been so long togeder, slaping in one bed, 
 and eating at one table ? 
 
 The governor being thus relieved from his embarrassment, 
 by the resignation of the bog-trotter, took back the commis 
 sion. It was a sufficient apology with him to the people, that 
 general O'Regan, for reasons best known to himself, had 
 thought proper to decline the appointment of general. 
 
 Independent of any concern for the people, which the 
 governor might have had, it was matter in which his own 
 reputation was involved, to have made such a person a gene 
 ral officer ; not merely because a novice in military matters, 
 but because nature had denied him talents. And though it 
 
78 MODERN CHIVALRY. 
 
 might be a considerable time before his want of intellect, to 
 any great extent would be discovered ; and like some others, 
 he might go through a long life without being detected ; yet, 
 without this good fortune, it would at last be made known. 
 And when, for some blunder, he mijrht be brought to a court 
 martial; and, perhaps, for cowardice, be sentenced to be 
 shot ; it could not but be an unpleasant thing to him to have 
 to approve the sentence, which he would be under the necessi 
 ty of doing ; and there might be no recommendation of 
 mercy in the case. 
 
 There is something in being accustomed to hear sounds ; 
 for they affect less ; and therefore amongst the ancients, an 
 old soldier, or veteran, as he was called, could stand better 
 the clatter of the sword upon the shield, when the armies 
 were about to engage, to use the language of the poet, 
 
 " Clash on their sounding shields, the din of war ;" 
 the sound of the trumpet also ; and above all, the shout of 
 battle, so terrible, especially when charged with the electric 
 fluid of liberty: for I have sometimes thought that the hu 
 man voice, instead of mere brutem fulmen, may be actually 
 charged with a subtle kind of electricity. So it must be of 
 use, in our time, to be accustomed to the report of artillery, 
 or any sort of fire-arm, though nothing but sound. But, in 
 any other respect, I do not know that a subaltern, or other 
 officer, who, in a subordinate capacity, may have served 
 campaigns, has much the advantage of the inexperienced ; 
 and certainly their vigour of body and mind being less than 
 younger men, are not so for enterprize. Yet at the comrrence- 
 ment of a war, it is usual to look out for such as have seen 
 service. But because an officer has behaved well in a subor 
 dinate station, it does not follow that he is equal to an inde 
 pendent command. It has been seen in the French revolu 
 tion, in how short a time men have become generals, from the 
 lowest grades. It is on this principle that I would sooner 
 trust a man of good sense, who had never seen a battle with 
 the conduct of troops, than one who had seen the campaigns 
 of half a century, without powers of mind. 
 
MODERN CHIVALRY. 79 
 
 Some credit was due to the governor, for managing the mat 
 ter so as to make it O'Regan's own act to decline the honour ; 
 when, not to have appointed him in the first instance, or to 
 have superseded him afterwards, would have been a thing so 
 unpopular, that it would have shaken his own standing to 
 have attempted it. There is nothing so difficult as to manage 
 the public mind. It must be done by the lever, or the screw, 
 or other mechanical power, to speak figuratively, and not by 
 direct force. 
 
 CHAPTER XIV. 
 
 The Justice of wars, British and American. 
 
 "With the exception of the war of the revolution, I fear 
 commercial avidity and gain have been at the bottom of all 
 the wars which have engaged nations, and those with this 
 country, have had their origin in the unjust and unwise 
 policy of Britain. I must pronounce this sentence on her 
 councils, though born in her island, and strongly at 
 tached to her true interests, and true glory, and an admirer 
 of all her lustre in literature and the arts. I see her conduct 
 in a different point of view on the shores of the Delaware, or 
 from the banks of the Ohio, than from the Thames, or the 
 Frith of Forth, or the Clyde. But not to enter into general 
 speculation, I confine myself to the wars waged with these 
 States ; and if future historians do not say that these were 
 unjust on the part of that island, I have never been capable 
 of discrimination in the right and wrong of things. That 
 resistance on our part was at least just, I will contend: for 
 how else could I reconcile it to myself to celebrate our victo 
 ries, as seme do who affect to think, or really do think our 
 cause bad? And yet there is this inconsistency in men's 
 mouths : for there are those who speak of our achievements 
 by land or sea, where- we have been successful, as the deeds 
 
80 MODERN CHIVALRY. 
 
 of heroes; and yet unjust, which must make it murderous. 
 For an officer may resign, when an unjust war is declared ; 
 and ought to resign, and refuse to be accessary to the homi 
 cide which it occasions. With what conscience, then, can a 
 man, opposed to war generally, or to a particular war, from 
 the grounds of it, allow praise to those concerned in it? It 
 will be said, he may praise the valor of the soldier, but ar 
 raign the cause in which he has fought. There would be the 
 same reason in the case of Barrabas, a murderer and robbe 1 " 
 amongst the Jews, who deserved a crucifixion. 
 
 As to all war being unlawful, it is but the opinion of a sub 
 division of the Christian denomination, founded on the tak 
 ing in a literal sense, what was spoken in a figurative, by 
 the author of our religion. But, that a war of ambition, or 
 springing from the love of gain is murder, I can entertain no 
 doubt. It is chargeable, as homicide, upon the prince or 
 country, who wages it unnecessarily, or without just provo 
 cation. 
 
 The people were the more reconciled to the circumstance 
 of not getting the bog-trotter appointed a major general, in 
 asmuch as there ceased to be an occasion for one. The In 
 dians humbled by their late overthrow, were disposed to 
 treat; and the settlement having collected a few blankets, 
 were willing to part with these, to save their scalps. An 
 Indian treaty was held, to which Teague was commissic ner, 
 and being told that he was the warrior who had discomfited 
 them, they were the more disposed to listen to his terms. 
 There were Red Jacket, Blue Jacket, Yellow Jacket, Rattle 
 Snake, Terrapin, Half Moon, and Half King, on the part of 
 the Indian nations. The bulwark of the Christian religion, 
 underhandedly, by means of traders who passed for Indians, 
 having assumed their dress, and could speak something of 
 their language, secretly opposed the treaty ; but with the aid 
 of a few kegs of whiskey, it was carried against them. The 
 hatchet was buried deep, and an oak tree, figuratively speak 
 ing, was planted on it. The chain was brightened, meaning 
 
MODERN CHIVALRV. 81 
 
 the chain of Friendship. The whites were called brothers, 
 and belts of wampum were spoken from ; and the usual cere 
 monials of a treaty gone through, when the Indians returned 
 to their own country, apparently satisfied with what was 
 done. 
 
 The bog-trotter was in his element in the transactions of 
 this treaty, drinking whiskey, and shaking hands with the 
 Indians. It was not to be wondered therefore that his popu 
 larity increased. But a very extraordinary circumstance 
 gave a new direction to his mind, and put him upon another 
 scent. A camp meeting was shortly after held upon the very 
 ground the Indians had quitted. The nature of this conven 
 tion is well known in our times ; but for the sake of posterity, 
 it may not be amiss to give some idea of it. The inhabitants 
 collect even from a great distance, and carry provisions with 
 them, and baggage wagons. They encamp usually in a wood 
 near a stream of water, for days together ; forming this as 
 semblage for the purposes of religion : exercising their minds 
 in prayer and singing sacred songs and in preaching, and in 
 expectation, that by mutual sympathy, their zeal may be in 
 creased, and their devotion rendered more fervent. Certain it 
 is, that this assembling has the effect of agitating the mass 
 greatly. Convulsive gestures and shouting, are symptoms of 
 a mind under strong excitement, and overwhelmed with 
 intense feeling. Philosophers, and some physicians, think 
 it a disease of the mind, and call it an epidemic phrenzy of 
 religious fervor. 
 
 The governor considered all this as but madness and fanat. 
 icism, yet he did not interfere with the people in their visions, 
 and extacies ; knowing that the phrenzy after a time will al 
 ways dissipate, and the subjects of it come to their right 
 reason, and settle into the most sincere and sober works. 
 His ideas on the subject of religious toleration were cor 
 rect ; and though he disapproved of founding religion in 
 passion, it being a thing of reason, judgment, and habit, yet 
 he had seen that by directly opposing this error of the under- 
 vol. 4, 7 
 
82 MODERN CHIVALRY. 
 
 standing, the pride of the multitude was greatly offended. 
 For, in his opinion, it was but a spurious, or, as a scholar 
 would say, a pseudo-religion, which did not make a man more 
 just. I inclin* a good deal to his way of thinking. But there 
 are others who entertain different notions. I admit that a 
 Boanerges may do something towards rousing the attention 
 of a rude and thoughtless multitude ; or of a hardened individ 
 ual, and this by a loud voice, and alarming representations of 
 the consequences of a vicious course in this world, which 
 is but mere noise and tumult and convey no ideas ; and the 
 effect cannot be lasting, nor the reform produced permanent. 
 For which reason I place religion in the understanding ; 
 though doubtless the hopes and fears of the human mind may 
 be considered passion : and so far as this goes, I agree that 
 in planting religion in the heart, we are to pray in aid of the 
 passions. But the truth is, I incline to think with those who 
 consider all religion as but the cultivation of good habits ; 
 and this from the consideration of present convenience, and 
 future happiness. I say present convenience ; because there 
 cannot be a deviation from virtue, and even common pru 
 dence, without bringing with it a degree of punishment to the 
 individual, even in this life. He that looks deeply into 
 things, may see, that all creation is governed by wise and 
 universal laws, which afford the most perfect evidence, of the 
 wisdom, as well as the existence of a Creator. It is the same 
 laws which regulate inanimate substances, and organized, and 
 inanimate bodies,from the lowest in the scale, up to man, who 
 is the highest. They cannot be violated with impunitv 
 These laws were perfect from the first, on each thing in its 
 kind, and little left to chance, if there be such a thing as 
 chance, which is nothing more than our want of capacity to 
 trace the connection between cause and effect. And if there is a 
 future state, which philosophers may doubt, but cannot avoid 
 hoping, the condition of an individual must take its complex 
 ion from what has been done here. But I do not say that every 
 good deed receives its full proportion of reward here, nor every 
 
MODERN CHIVALRY. 83 
 
 evil deed, its correspondent degree of punishment. I speak 
 of the general operation. For the strongest argument from 
 natural reason in favor of a future state, is that this is not the 
 case in this life : and therefore there must be another, to fulfil 
 the law of perfect justice. But I would sooner take my chance 
 with the conscientious moralist, than with the rapturous en 
 thusiast, who has more sail than ballast in his devotion. "Do 
 justice, love mercy, and walk humbly before God," I take to 
 be the religion of reason, as it is of revelation, and to that I 
 hold. Let us injure no one, and at the same time, do all the 
 good we can. Active, not merely passive, benevolence, is the 
 moral fruit of true religion ! 
 
 CHAPTER XV. 
 
 Containing a somewhat dry disquisition on the, nature of the 
 
 good and evil of Republican governments. 
 
 As we are on the eve of a republican government, in this 
 new settlement ; or rather chaotic government, that may in 
 time be reduced to a republic, it behooves us to consider 
 a little what are its evils, and the causes of its overthrow. 
 Laying aside those which are common to all governments, 
 and amongst these, the incapacity of those that govern, it 
 would seem, in a greater degree than perhaps any other, that 
 in a republican government, fault is found with those that 
 govern ; and weakness, or wickedness is imputed even to the 
 wisest measures. An4 this on the plain principle of self- 
 love ; because every man covets distinction, and is ambitious 
 of power; and where the government is by representation, all 
 cannot have office at the same time although the right is equal 
 to all. Hence it is, that those out cannot be those in : for that 
 would be a contradiction in terms, and in the nature of things. 
 For it is a quality of matter that two bodies cannot be in the 
 same place at the same time. How otherwise can the body 
 that is out, be in, but by removing the opposing body that is 
 in possession of the place ? But where we have to do with 
 
8-4 MODERN CHIVALRY. 
 
 mind, it is not by the effect of material force that this can be 
 accomplished. Laying the shoulders to, will not answer the 
 purpose ; nor will a baton or a stick compel the giving way. 
 It must be by the force of opinion. Hence obloquy and de 
 famation in the election ; and when that is gained, no quali 
 fication for the trust, or virtue in office is to be allowed to the 
 successful candidate. The great moral of this book is the 
 evil of men seeking office for which they are not qualified. But 
 there is another evil, as I have said, the detraction from even 
 the good qualities of those in power, and the denying credit 
 even to the prudent acts of an administration. The divines 
 tell us ; at least the divines of some denominations, that even 
 the good acts of bad men have in them a motive which turns 
 them to sin. As two parties, therefore must unavoidably exist,, 
 in every government of the people, the ci-devant or ex-repre 
 sentatives, with those who have not yet been representatives, 
 on one side, and the present incumbents on the other> a contin. 
 ual war must be carried on ; the true motive and object kept 
 out of view. I have thought sometimes of putting in plain 
 language, what those on the outside the house, looking in, 
 would say, were they to speak out, to those congregated 
 within the building. I mean, were they to speak without 
 dissimulation of the motive, and the object. Let us suppose 
 the opposition convened, and if they could be kept from sticks 
 and stones, and use their tongues only, without prevarication, 
 would not their oration be somewhat in the following vein 
 and tenor. 
 
 "You seem to be pretty well lodged, good folks, and have 
 got a pretty decent house over your heads ; while some here 
 are obliged to stand without, that are perhaps not less deserv 
 ing than yourselves ; and amongst these not a few who know 
 what it is to sleep in-doors, and to partake of the hospitality 
 of the government. You take it hard at our hands, that we 
 do not approve of a single act that you do, or of a single 
 measure that you take. It does not suit us to approve ; be 
 cause our object is to get you out. If the man at the helm 
 
MODERN CHIVALRY. 85 
 
 steers N. by "W. we say it should be N. by E. And so through 
 all the 32 points of the compass, should he vary his course 
 accordingly. If he should be steering a course directly S. we 
 would arraign him for a fool, to attempt to steer in the wind's 
 eye ; and if he should alter his course a point or two, we 
 would exclaim that he was steering in the wind's eye still ; 
 for the wind has changed. Bear away, luff up, it is still 
 wrong. Do you not see breakers ahead ? we will say. And 
 when he puts about ship, the breakers will be on the other 
 side ; and this, though in the middle of the ocean, where no 
 lee-shore can be found. The secret of opposition is to find 
 fault with whatever may be done. If there is really fault to 
 be found, the matter is easy. Every dunce may enlarge upon 
 this. But where the measure is a dictate of prudence, and 
 the result of consummate wisdom, hie labor, hoc opust est. It 
 will require more talents, or at least more industry, to make 
 it appear bad policy, and defeat it. Even if it should suc 
 ceed, no credit is to be given. For though it happened to 
 hit, yet upon the whole it was a mischief from the bad con 
 sequence that will follow. You talk of candor. Where was 
 your candor when we were in ? Was it not by exciting cla 
 mour against even the wisest measures that you got the people 
 on your side, and put us out? You have the good sense to 
 pursue the very measures, in some instances, which you ex 
 claimed against. But you say that the evil cannot be corrected 
 all at once ; or it would cost more to undo what was done, 
 than to let it stand as it was. Is this candor? The fact is, all 
 idea of candor is out of the question. It is your places that 
 we want ; we care nothing about your measures. The better 
 they are, the worse for us ; and we are, on that very account, 
 the more disposed to find fault. 
 
 "You will say, we are not good citizens. But, we are good 
 partizans. There is a wheel within a wheel in all govern 
 ments ; and it is the inner wheel that those out of power have 
 to work ; and not the outer wheel. You that are in power 
 have to turn that ; and it is our part to stop it if we can, 
 vol. 4, 7* 
 
86 MODERN CHIVALRY. 
 
 "Stop the wheel of government," means the outer wheel; for 
 the inner wheel never stops. It always goes a contrary way 
 to the outer wheel ; or, to speak mathematically, moves in a 
 contrary direction ; but not that the mo.vers mean to stop the 
 outer, altogether ; hut so to impede the movement, that the 
 machine in the hands of those that seem to have the direction 
 of it, may appear useless, or defective in its operations. 
 
 "You talk of our invective, scurrility, &c. &c. &c. Are 
 there not such things as stink-pots on board war vessels ? Is it 
 not against the laws of war to use these. At least it is not 
 against the practice of nations? and it is the practice that 
 makes the law ; the usage of nations. The practice of our 
 editors of papers, and of yours, is what sanctions what might 
 otherwise be called abuse ; for the very nature of personal 
 abuse, is changed into the contrary by use. A dictionary of 
 hard terms, might be composed out of the gazettes, to suit a 
 particular party ; but without sensible variation might serve 
 all. It is a desideratum in political literature, that we have 
 not such a book, for the use of schools. It might be made 
 out of the newspapers ; not that this would hinder the adding 
 o the language, new terms ; for speech is not made from 
 dictionaries ; but dictionaries from speech. 
 
 Sic valet usus 
 Quern penes arbitrium est, et norma loquendi. 
 
 New terms of reproach will at all times spring up, and old 
 die. This, the poet, speaking of all languages, correctly 
 states. 
 
 Nedum sermonum stet honos, et Gratia vivax, 
 Multa renascenter quse jam cecipere cadentque 
 Quae ssnc sunt in honore vocabula. 
 
 "Nothing offends a Frenchman so much as to be called 
 Jean Foutre ; or an Englishman to be called a John Bull. 
 The nation is called John Bull ; but that is a generic term j 
 but when applied to the individual, is not eo well taken. 
 
MODERN CHIVALRY. 87 
 
 11 The art of blackguardism, notwithstanding its cultivation, 
 in these states, may be said, like many other arts and sci 
 ences, to be yet but in its infancy. Invention is rather a gift, 
 than an acquired faculty and some regard it as the distin 
 guishing mark of genius ; neverthelesss it is improvable ; 
 and much might be done by skilful tutors, taking youth from 
 their early years, especially such as may have had the ad 
 vantage of a good family education, in this way. It is observ 
 able, that editors from foreign countries have distinguished 
 themselves in this species of logomachy ; not owing, as some 
 allege, to a superiority of genius, or greater aptitude in ac- 
 quirirg languages ; but to the progress they had already 
 made, before they left their mother countries. It is altogether 
 a prejudice of BufFon and others, to lay it down that the hu 
 man species, as well as other productions of the new world, 
 are inferior in kind to those of the old. It is neither so in 
 size nor intellect. Give us time, and opportunities, and we 
 need not despair of producing party writers of a mammoth 
 size in all the defamation by word, a thing of which we have 
 have had imported specimens, from the other side the water. 
 If you wish to avoid the artillery of such, take our advice, 
 and resign. We have no ill will to you, more than we have 
 to a turkey buzzard, but becuse you are in our way. At least, 
 let us take turns, in doing public service ; not at the pump ; 
 for though it is our business, under present circumstances, to 
 pronounce the ship leaky and ready to sink, yet we do not 
 think that she is precisely in that condition, notwithstanding 
 your bad management ; and we are willing to take her under 
 our direction, even in her present state. The honour and 
 the profit are both in favour of those who are officers, and 
 have the command. But as for you, out you shall go ; we 
 do not mean out of the ship, but out of your offices and the 
 emoluments. Our party must be in ; and that is the short 
 and the long of the whole matter. If you do nob go below 
 deck, we will blow up the ship ; not one of you shall go aloft 
 till we have the command/' 
 
88 MODERN CHIVALRY. 
 
 This would be the language, doubtless of the open hearted, 
 and plain spoken. But as men row one way, and look another, 
 it is not so well calculated to effect the purpose, as indirect 
 attack. It is not those themselves that are in possession that 
 are to be addressed, but those that put them there ; or at least 
 assisted for the time being. It is in vain, to try to persuade 
 a man himself that he is in an error, beause he enjoys a ben 
 efit; but there are those who may be brought to believe this, 
 who are not so much, or at least so immediately interested 
 in the matter. 
 
 CHAPTER XVI. 
 
 Constitution Making Continued. 
 
 WE have seen that a temporary sort of constitution had 
 been formed or rather government constituted; for the Cap 
 tain had been chosen Governor, and the blind lawyer appoint 
 ed chief justice. A sense of self-preservation had led to this 
 measure, for we find that even among the rudest savages some 
 kind of authority is given, or assumed. It is the instinct of 
 man, and may therefore be said to be instituted by the Crea 
 tor. It had been found, that in a situation of things approach 
 ing to a state of nature, the weak were a prey to the strong, 
 and oftentimes, among the strong, there was much wrong 
 done, not being sufficiently afraid of each other, when the 
 corporeal powers were nearly equal ; and, until it had been 
 ascertained which had the mastery, much maiming had pre 
 vailed. It had been customary for individuals so leagued 
 together, to defend themselves ; and there was much gouging 
 and biting on both sides, when a contest of ths few had arisen. 
 Settlement against settlement was pitted ; and district against 
 district, oftentimes with much battery and blood-shed. Call 
 ing out for help was usual amongst the combatants, and it 
 was counted dishonorable not to interfere, by those not 
 engaged. 
 
MODERN CHIVALRV. 89 
 
 It. was on this principle, and in this state of things, that 
 the Captain had been elected governor. For, coming to the 
 settlement, attended by his posse, Will Watlin, Tom the 
 Tinker, Harum Scarum, and O'Fin the Irishman, a damp 
 was struck upon the hearts of the insurgents in different 
 places, which the people seeing, recurred to this new power 
 for safety. Will Watlin having pulled up a grub, and en 
 tering the town, called it a switch, as I have seen represented 
 on the stage in some dramatic composition ; the people 
 thinking that if that was a switch, what would his baton or 
 cudgel be? O'Fin the Irishman had, in fact, entered with a 
 handspike on his shoulder, which he called his shilelah, and 
 threatened death and destruction to all that came his way. 
 Harum Scarum had a branch of an oak tree, which he trailed 
 after him ; and Tom the Tinker approached with a club, which 
 he called his hammer. It was much larger than the club of 
 Hercules is represented in the Farnesian statue, -and though 
 he had not the strength to wield it with ease ; yet, poised upon 
 his right shoulder, it had the appearance of a weapon that 
 would do much execution. Teague, the "bog-trotter, though 
 with great difficulty, drew after him a rough pine limb which 
 he called a shilelah. The Captain had a staff, not as large 
 as a weaver's beam, but far surpassing the size of a common 
 walking-stick. From these appearances, they had put down all 
 resistance; and in due time the people thought it advisable 
 to place themselves under the protection of persons whose 
 object it seemed to be to keep the peace, and maintain the 
 laws. The Captain had been chosen Governor. But in 
 writing the chapter which mentions this fact, I had run over 
 a great space without entering into the detail, or minutige of 
 events. For that, and no other reason, it may appear to want 
 verisimilitude of incidents to support the probability of the 
 narrative. 
 
 " Le premier Rois fat un soldat heureux," 
 
 Says Voltaire : and though it may be disputed whether 
 knowledge is power, yet no one can deny, but that wattles 
 
90 MODERN CHIVALRY, 
 
 and hearts of oak, have a great tendency to procure sub 
 mission. 
 
 But the Captain himself was uneasy under this usurped 
 authority ; and the people began to talk of his resembling 
 Bonaparte. There were those who threw out hints that he 
 had an understanding with that emperor. It was much 
 agitated in beer-houses, whether he was not under French 
 influence. He denied it, and stood to it, that he had no cor 
 respondence with the tyrant. Is it possible, said he, that I 
 'could have much attachment to Bonaparte, who has no 
 attachment to me ? For I am well persuaded that he has 
 never heard of me ; nor can he possibly regard what govern 
 ment, or kind of government, I have over a few raggamuffins 
 assembled, or rather scattered in a distant quarter of the 
 globe .It is true, I did happen, coming along, to speak a few 
 words of French, at least they told me it was French, which 
 I had from a parlez vous, a carrier, that spoke a certain lingo 
 to his horses ; because, being used to his vocabulary, they 
 understood no other language ; but it was in the most perfect 
 simplicity of mind ; and I am not sure that it was French 
 that I did speak, or rather that he spoke ; for what I said was 
 in imitation of certain sounds, rather than words of his, as I 
 could catch them from the rapidity of his pronunciation. But 
 why need there be a noise made about it ? I am ready to lay 
 down my oak stick, which has been the badge of my govern 
 ment, whenever any one of you chooses Let it be laid down. 
 And with that he flung it across a potato patch as far as he 
 could throw it. Now, there it is, said he, and you are a free 
 people : but what are you the better for that; was it not to 
 keep you from broken heads that I took up the government ? 
 You talk of Bonaparte usurping the government what gov 
 ernment did he usurp ? Had not the people of France found 
 out that there was no government, and could be none short 
 of a despotism ? The constitution of 1791 had given way : 
 that of 1793 had gone to the tomb of the Capulets. Was 
 there not one of 1795 ? If so, it had also gone. The only 
 
MODERN CHIVALRY. 9l 
 
 two of the directory that had any talents, or integrity, Bar- 
 thelemi, and Carnot were departed to one of the French Is 
 lands under the equator, to encounter fever and mosquitoes. 
 The better part of the council of 500, and of the council of 
 ancients, I mean the best men of these bodies, were carted in 
 iron cages to the sea shore and sent off in frigates. Could 
 there be said to be any freedom at this time? What was it 
 that induced Abbe Sieyes, and other men who had been tired 
 of making constitutions, to send for Bonaparte to Egypt to 
 take the helm of the state vessel ? For, pursuing the figure, 
 when the vessel is at the mercy of the waves, tost and ready 
 to run upon the breakers, is it usurpation to take the helm, 
 and steer her in safety ? Comparing small things with great, 
 myself to Bonaparte, did I usurp any authority, when you 
 yourselves called upon me, being at loggerheads, to take the 
 government ? But as I have more concern for you, than you 
 have for yourselves, I will retain it a little, with a view to 
 preserve order and regularity among you until you get a 
 constitution, if by that means you can secure your liberty. 
 
 This speech being ended, it was agreed to consider of a 
 constitution. 
 
 It was debated in the beer-houses, whether a despotism 
 was not best ; or the continuance of the present constitution. 
 But it was carried, nemine contradicente, that something new 
 should be adopted. It was agitated how a republican gov 
 ernment should begin. Doubtless, it was answered, by a 
 convention of the people. It was asked, how should that 
 convention be brought about ? It was answered, in the same 
 mode, and by the same means, as what is called a camp, 
 meeting : this is a gathering of religious enthusiasts, of which 
 we have seen examples in almost all parts of the United 
 States. But would there not be danger of the same tumblings 
 and jumpings, and contortions of body, and agitations of 
 mind, as at those congregations ? No : because the female 
 part of the society would be excluded. These are not only 
 convulsionists, but the cause of convulsions becoming general 
 
92 MODERN CHIVALRY. 
 
 among the multitude, by sympathy of feeling, and ecstacy of 
 vision; or, perhaps, by some kind of subtle contagious, elec 
 tric fluid passing from one to another. Keep theseaway and the 
 meeting will be kept sober, unless indeed spiritous liquor was 
 introduced. And when serious business was on the carpet, 
 this might be excluded, allowing a few days of intemperance, 
 in the manner of the ancient Germans, or our Seminole In 
 dians, before the council had begun. 
 
 It was agreed that a general warning should be given to 
 meet under bushes, and tree^tops, by such a day, not in con 
 clave or divan, but in a general convention of the people, to 
 deliberate on the frame of a constitution. But were they all 
 to convene, every male, of whatever age, embracing infantia, 
 which ends at the age of seven years ; pueritia, which termi 
 nates at 14 ; adolescentia, which lasts until that of twenty- 
 one years; or juventus, which may be considered as ending 
 at the age of thirty-five ; or the virilis setas, which is com 
 plete at twenty-eight, and lasts the whole life of man ? Seni- 
 um, or old age, commences at fifty-seven. Was this age to 
 be excluded by reason of imbecility, from the deliberations 
 of perfect men ? Must foreigners of all nations and languages, 
 just come in, be also allowed to take part! the black, brown 
 or red-faced must persons of all complexions, opinions, Turk 
 or Indians, have a share in the constitution making? And 
 why exclude tax paying widows, and single women of full 
 age ? All these cases must be settled. 
 
 Another question arose, was every man that wore a head, 
 tag, rag, and bob-tail, to assemble and have an equal vote ? In 
 contemplation of law, at the formation of our republic, it must 
 be so. And though, in fact, it never was the case, yet the 
 principle stands immovable, and all must be supposed to have 
 a voice. " We, the people," admits of no exclusion. But are 
 people to be admitted who have no understanding ? Who 
 can undertake to say of another that he wants sense ? Intel 
 ligence cannot be weighed by the pound or ounce, or meas 
 ured by the ell or the perch. Who IB to make the selection 
 
MODERN CHIVALRY. 93 
 
 from the mass ? It was agreed, therefore, that all who chose 
 to meet, should convene. Advertisements to this effect were 
 put in the gazette, having a journal or public paper in town ; 
 and cards and hand bills were affixed upon trees and barn 
 doors, and chalked upon fence rails, and those who could not 
 write, proclaimed with the voice, the general assembling of 
 the people. 
 
 The day came, and the hills were covered. Those upon the 
 low grounds shouted up to their superiors on the hills ; and 
 the hills vociferated to those below. But great confusion 
 ensued, by interruption and discussion. Some order became 
 necessary, and the reducing the multitude to a smaller com 
 pass ; but this could not be done, until a part wearied out, 
 and wanting food, departed to their homes. There were 
 but about a score remaining, when the next day appeared ; 
 thus it will always be, power stole from the many to the few. 
 
 Having taken some refreshment of food, these set about 
 the business. But half asleep, they were incompetent, and 
 had to take a nap before they could renew the task which 
 they had undertaken. It was now debated, whether the pres 
 ent could be considered as representing those that were 
 absent. This was plain: for all had had an opportunity, and 
 might have attended, if they would. 
 
 The question was now agitated, should they have a consti 
 tution ? Upon this there was a diversity of voices. Said an 
 honest fellow, what have we to do with a constitution ? Why 
 form one? Will we stick to a constitution, when we have 
 made it ? A constitution is like a nose of wax, it is twisted 
 by the party that is predominant. It might not, however, be 
 unadvisable to have some outline of a constitution ; some 
 groove within which to move, some shape and form of the 
 machine of government. If the people cannot all convene, or, 
 if they do convene, cannot act without confusion, as the late 
 experiment had abundantly evinced, it would be necessary 
 to have some means of reducing them to a narrower compass. 
 Let there be primary assemblies, meetings of the people in 
 vol. 4, 7 
 
94 MODERN 3HIVALRY. 
 
 particular districts, and let these elect aad send representa 
 tives to a secondary. Let these secondary assemblies, select 
 from among themselves, and depute to an ultimate body, who 
 shall from time to time meet and frame the laws. Judicial 
 Officers must exist distinct from the legislature ; executive 
 distinct from both. Whether appoint these officers, and in 
 what manner it shall be done, must require some rule to be 
 laid down. The nature of the government itself must be de 
 termined on ; at least some name mu -jt be given it, whether 
 it shall be called a republican government, or an aristocray, 
 or a monarchy.* 
 
 * The author's plan of arresting the western insurrection, was 
 first to take the power out 'of the hands of the mob by a delega 
 tion of two hundred and fifty, then by a committee of sixty, then 
 a standing committee, in fact of seven, the majority would rule. 
 Having made this arrangement, the insurrection was placed under 
 control. The history of Venice is a good illustration. The Senate 
 was first elective then permanent then a committee of ten 
 then of three, secret and unknown, consequently entirely irres 
 ponsible. 
 
 CHAPTER XVII. 
 
 How the new Government worked general discontent- 
 
 Under the present order of things, the patronage of the 
 Governor was considerable. This very thing, which at first 
 view would seem to be a ground of his security, was the cause 
 of much uneasiness, and constant opposition to his adminis 
 tration. For not in one case out of ten did he make an appoint 
 ment, but some concerned became enemies. The one appoint 
 ed was an enemy, because his appointment was not as good 
 as he had expected ; and the others of the community were 
 dissatisfied, because he got any appointment at all. For there 
 was not one who did not think himself better entitled, at all 
 events, better qualified. Some were vexed because they had 
 
MODERN CHIVALRY. 95 
 
 not been chosen Governor themselves, and no appointment 
 would have satisfied them. There was a weaver amongst 
 these who had pretensions to the chair, and raised a clamor 
 against the constitution, thinking that, in the confusion that 
 would ensue, things being once more put into hotch-pot, he 
 might renew his chance for the office of chief magistrate ; that, 
 having failed to be put in nomination under existing circum 
 stances, he might have better luck under a new arrangement. 
 A second chance he would have at all events, and it might be 
 more favorable in the result; inasmuch as the very bustle he 
 was making in the affair of the new constitution, would bring 
 him into great notice, and inert ase his popularity, there being 
 now an indifferent mass of citizens who were dissentients from 
 the same motives with himself, and might promise themselves 
 something from the confusion of affairs. But the proposition 
 of a new constitution, as being less alarming to the bulk, was 
 suggested under the idea of an amendment. For the revolu 
 tions in France about this time had created some alarm, at 
 the idea of changing rapidly all at once from one constitution 
 to another. But who was there who could have any reasona 
 ble apprehensions of risk or danger from an amendment? 
 But it being thought advisable to specify some amendments 
 in order the better to bring about a convention, there was no 
 one that had not the sagacity to find out aome things that 
 might be put on a better footing than they had been. As for 
 instance, the weaver seemed to think that the price of weaving 
 ought to be raised ; and that no customer should hereafter 
 find fault with the work done ; and that he should pay for it 
 as soon as it was done. 
 
 All this seemed reasonable, especially as the cord- 
 wainer, and the brick-layer, could easily see that in the 
 course of the deliberation, it would naturally take a wider 
 range, and introduce a clause providing for them also. For 
 though not by name in the first instance, yet all occupations 
 would be virtually included and enjoy the advantage of the 
 like reform. It had become a cry pretty much prevailing, 
 
9G MODERN CHIVALRY. 
 
 that the sitting of the people should be permanent, and the 
 convention revolutionary; so that whenever and wherever 
 the shoe was found to pinch, it might be altered. 
 
 Amongst the mal-contents with the constitution, it was not a 
 little unexpected by the Governor, to find Teague O'Regan, 
 his late protege and associate in his peregrinations. For 
 notwithstanding he had, in the first instance, been appointed 
 cryer of the court, and in the next, advanced to the grade of 
 auctioneer, he was dissatisfied because he had not been made 
 Chief Justice, or advanced to that of Secretary of State. For 
 these reasons he was amongst the loudest for a reform, and 
 proposed an assembling of the whole people, once more to fix 
 upon a new constitution. The governor conceiving himself 
 to have some kind of right to control and regulate the ambi 
 tion of his bog-trotter, took an opportunity to expostulate with 
 him on the danger and inexpediency of the proposition at this 
 time ; and more particularly on the indelicacy of persons new 
 ly come into the country, taking upon them to be the first to 
 propose a revision of that frame of government, which they 
 had found prepared for them, and what, on becoming citizens, 
 they were under an implied obligation to support. 
 
 "Teague," said he, "you cannot but recollect the inconsid* 
 erable station from which I originally advanced you ; being a 
 redemptioner on board a ship from Cork in Ireland. In fact, 
 though you call yourself a redemptioner, you were a bound 
 servant for years, and in such capacity you were under an 
 obligation to serve me, nevertheless, I treated you as a re- 
 demptioner, paid the money for you, the passage-money, and 
 told you that as soon as you had served me to the amount of 
 it, at the yearly hiring of a laboring person, I would give you 
 your liberty. The business that I set you about might be 
 called drudgery, because you were fit for nothing else ; but 
 did I not, as soon as I conveniently could, endeavor to amend 
 your station, by taking you with me almost in the light of a 
 companion in my rambles ? In the course of these, in propor 
 tion as I saw an opening, I was disposed to advance you still 
 
MODERN CHIVALRY. 97 
 
 more, and to bring you forward. Was it my fault, if, in these 
 prospects, which seemed to be occasionally flattering, there 
 were some disappointments ? You know well what happen 
 ed, from first to last, and what sort of a judge you made on 
 the bench. 
 
 "Have I not done as much for you as I well could do, since 
 coming to this new country, and my advance to the chair of 
 government ? Did I not make you a crier of the court, and 
 are you not now an auctioneer ? What reason had you to 
 expect that I should make you a chief justice, even though 
 you did read law a while, and had been upon the bench in 
 another place? This very circumstance, if no other, was a 
 reason against it ; for it gave me an opportunity of knowing 
 you were not fit for it. You have not the patience of a judge 
 even if you had all other qualifications. I could not make 
 you secretary, for you cannot write ; and though you might 
 act by deputy, yet it is but an awkward thing for a man to 
 be secretary, which imports by the usage of the term, some 
 ability to minute matters, and not to be able to write his own 
 name. It is impossible for me not to know that whatever you 
 and the others of you who call out for a new constitution are 
 moved, not by your own opinion of defects visible in the old, 
 but because you think a new may be more favorable to your 
 particular pretensions. But setting aside all that could be 
 said on this alleged point of private views on your part and 
 theirs, is there not some decency to be observed on your part, 
 in coming into this country, in proposing innovations ? Can 
 a bog-trotter just from Ireland like you, be supposed to be 
 cognizant of the genius of the people sufficiently to form a 
 constitution for them ? It is the most delicate thing in the 
 world to undertake to find fault with that which they have 
 formed ? I feel it on my part a matter of peculiar delicacy 
 to support an opinion. It hurts me even that you, lately in 
 my train, should cavil against it, lest it should be supposed to 
 be at my prompting ; though there can be no ground of pre 
 sumption that I who have been complimented with the gov- 
 vol. 4, 8* 
 
98 MobEftft CHiVALfcY. 
 
 eminent, could cabal to overturn it. Yet one cannot tell what 
 those who are the advocates of what they call a reform may 
 do, or say, in order to acquire weight to their machinations. 
 They may pretend, that I, who hold an office under the consti 
 tution and am sworn to support it, do not approve of it. They 
 will allege in proof of this, my having an officer who is fore 
 most in his vociferation for a change. You do not consider, 
 Teague, where this may end. The termination in France we 
 have all seen ; it was the guillotine. You ought to know some 
 thing of the guillotine, for you made a narrow escape from it. 
 It is a horrible instrument; and the meddler with constitutions 
 is in danger of coming under it. It is best for a man to pur 
 sue the even tenor of his way. In order to be safe from the 
 irons of a saw-mill, let the unskilful beware of meddling with 
 the wheels. In the same manner I may say that the prudent 
 man will keep aloof, at these times, from the danger of unrea 
 sonably intruding himself as a mender of constitutions. 
 Agreeably to this is the distich of the poet, 
 
 " Ah me, what perils do environ, 
 The man that meddles with cold iron," 
 
 You enjoy the lucrative office of an auctioneer and having 
 seen a great deal of the world, ought to have begun to learn 
 that those who advise, have not always the interest of those 
 whom they advise, in view. May it not be in order to serve 
 themselves and perhaps in the turn of affairs to get your office, 
 that persons flatter your vanity as whom it becomes to put 
 yourself at the head of a reform in the state ? I would not be 
 willing to take an oath that even some of your own country 
 men may not have sinister ends in view, in putting you upon 
 this project. For that you are propelled, I am strongly incli 
 ned, to think as I have always found you yourself disposed to 
 be_contented with your station, except in cases where the mis 
 taken notions of others working upon your inexperience and 
 mine, have misled our understandings." 
 These reasonings had weight with the bog-trotter, and more 
 
MODERN CHIVALRY* 
 
 especially that part of the expostulation which respected the 
 danger of the guillotine. But though intimidated, and of 
 himself disposed to cease his opposition to the constitution, 
 and his clamor for a reform, yet his countrymen out of doors, 
 and others of the multitude, desirous of a change, still contin 
 ued active at vendues, particularly, to urge the bog-trotter to 
 a perseverance in his endeavors in favor of what they called 
 liberty, a word very liable to be abused, from its generality, 
 or vagueness. 
 
 There was no station that could put him so much in the 
 way of being wrought upon by the designing, as that of auc 
 tioneer. For it subjected him to flattery, giving an opportu 
 nity to compliment the strength of his voice, his vein of hu 
 mor, which term they could give to his coarse jokes, and call 
 it wit. The bottle occasionally going about, as iff the custom 
 in the country, using which, drew from the crowd also 
 much applause ; for in proportion as the crier was pleased, he 
 put about the bottle, and it came in the way of the man that 
 had given the last bid. It was indeed a matter of complaint 
 against him by those who had articles to sell that he would sus 
 pend the hammer ; or more properly the mallet that he used, 
 he would stand with it lifted up, until some one had finished 
 what he had to say about the constitution. And instead of 
 announcing the name of the article put up, describing its util 
 ity, and expatiating on its value, he would forget himself, and 
 instead of a good thing, this, or that, he would call out, "an 
 excellent constitution; not at half its value ; who bids more, 
 another cent buys the whistle. Three times." 
 
 There were petitions for removal on this ground. But what 
 could the governor do ? The mania had become general. Not 
 an individual was not affected with the rage of constitution 
 making ; not an occupation, in the exercise of which some 
 thing relative to amending at least, the constitution, did not 
 break out in the language that was used. It was not alone in 
 the case of the auctioneer, that such a derangement, as it 
 might be called, had begun to show itself; but with persons> 
 in almost every other employment. The common mechanic 
 
100 MODERN CHIVALRY. 
 
 and laborer, were led away, both in speaking and acting, with 
 
 an enthusiasm for a change of constitution. 
 
 "I saw a smith stand with his hammer thus : 
 The whilst his iron did on the anvil cool, 
 With open mouth swallowing," 
 
 the news about a constitution. 
 
 A tailor was asked what he was now making ? He said the 
 constitution. 
 
 A tinker, what he was now mending ? He replied, the con 
 stitution. 
 
 All that could write had drawn up forms ; all that could not 
 write, had meditated forms, and were reciting them to their 
 neighbors. It was amusing to attend to the various sugges 
 tions of the fancy of these improvisatori, or extempore makers 
 of constitutions. Some proposed for an article, the having a 
 provision to fatten hogs, without corn ; and it was in vain to 
 explain to them that this did not depend upon the constitution 
 of the government ; but on that of the hog. Some wanted 
 chickens hatched without eggs ; others harvests raised without 
 the trouble of sowing seed. All were for an amelioration of 
 things in the natural or moral world. 
 
 A groupe had got together at a distillery ; and were endea 
 voring to put into words, what they would wish, with regard 
 to the article of extracting more whiskey out of a bushel of 
 grain. But they were not all of them iu a capacity to articu 
 late the article just then, and so it fell through for that time. 
 
 In order to* acquire knowledge on the subject of constitu 
 tions, where any one entertained a suspicion that he had not 
 sufficient information, which was a rare case, he applied him 
 self to study the hiding places, or edifices of beasts and birds. 
 For instinct is surer than reason. One man of very honest 
 investigation, was stung in the face as he was inspecting a 
 wasp's nest, and his face became much swollen, and was kept 
 in countenance only by another, who was in something of the 
 tjame plight, from a hive of bees into which he had thrust his 
 nose. That republic being much celebrated, it was thought 
 
MODERN CHIVALRY. 101 
 
 the purest model that could be studied. A diligent observer 
 of the flight of wild geese and of the manner in which one 
 stands sentry for the flock, when they alight to feed, drew 
 thence what he thought a good lesson, towards qualifying him 
 for the task of new modeling a frame of government. But 
 the play upon the word goose which this naturally drew upon 
 him, threw it into ridicule. For it was observed that he must 
 be a goose who would think of modelling a constitution after 
 geese. By others it was called a wild goose chase that he was 
 upon, and little attention was paid to his draught. 
 
 CHAPTER XVIII. 
 
 Thephrenzy of Constitution mending still continues The Gov 
 ernor's address to Irish emigrants. 
 
 In this phrenzy of the public mind, it is not to be dissem 
 bled, that the most active of the constitution menders, were 
 those who had ruined their own constitution, or that of their 
 estates. It was observable also, that emigrants from beyond 
 seas, and especially from the green Isle of Erin, were the 
 most forward in offering themselves for this service. Not 
 knowing the trouble of making a constitution, they thought it 
 light work; being in the habit of calling out against the exist 
 ing government at home, they did not distinguish that par 
 tiality which the people here must have for the work of their 
 own hands, and their unwillingness to have assistance not 
 asked, but forced upon th?m. At all events, supposing them 
 justifiable in the Innovation, it cannot be maintained that the 
 volunteers were altogether discreet, in the time of undertaking 
 it. 
 
 A number of these who had come from the county Mona- 
 ghan, and other places, being together, singing Erin-go bragh, 
 and talking politics, the governor having actually a regard 
 for them, as a well meaning, but impetuous multitude, thought 
 
102 MODERN CHIVALRY. 
 
 proper to address them and remonstrate against their proceed 
 ings. A minute of his discourse has been given me, and I 
 have set it down here to diversify the narration, 
 
 "Gentlemen of the bogs," said he, "or green fields of Erin : 
 for in the geography of your country, you talk of bogs ; but 
 in your songs we hear of nothing but fields. For that reason 
 I shall speak of fields, 
 
 "Gentlemen of the green fields of Erin, when I oast my eye 
 over the Atlantic Ocean, or rather cast it upon the map, I see 
 your island like an emerald as you call it, set in the waves. 
 It is a pretty little spot, on the face of the earth, I was going 
 to say, face of the water. Of the internal geography I do not 
 know much, but I have heard of Limerick, and Drogheda, and 
 Sligo, and other places the Cunabula gentium, the birth 
 place of your parentage. But as to those, I have n >t much 
 attended to them ; my attachment is chiefly to the history of 
 the people. I know your origin, if I am to believe some, and 
 I am inclined to believe them, that you are of Punic origin, 
 that you have in you the blood of the Asdrubals, and Haniil- 
 cars, and Hannibals of antiquity. But as the poet says, 
 Genus, et proavos, et quas non fecimus ipsi, 
 
 Vix ea nostra voco. 
 
 I set more store by what has been done upon your inland in 
 the persors of your immediate progenitors. I am not unac 
 quainted with the fame of many great characters; Fin McCoul, 
 and Brian Borumy, and others. But for your divisions in 
 your own country, you might have been England, and Eng 
 land Ireland. And though insinuations have been made by 
 writers of a proneness to rob on the highways by some of you, 
 I do not wonder at there being some truth in this. It cannot 
 be a matter of surprise, if after the military spirit of a brave 
 people has subsided by subjugation, it should break out into 
 petty robberies of the proud victor, and a disposition should 
 remain for a long time, to indemnify one's self at the expense 
 of the conquerors, for the loss of private fortune. What could 
 have been expected of those who were so cruelly expelled 
 
MODERN CHIVALRY. 103 
 
 from the north of your country, the four counties of Ulster, 
 but that they would turn free-booters? I find no fault with 
 the opposition made to the government of England; for you 
 have been oppressed by it ; and I do not wonder that a reform 
 was thought of, and zealously attempted by your parliament; 
 though I do not approve the irregular, and consequently use 
 less disturbances, by hearts of oak, as they were called; hearts 
 of steel, 'White boys/ 'Peep o' day boys/ who broke the peace 
 of the country. For of what avail is disjointed opposition ; 
 partial insurrections, which, like the struggles of beasts of 
 burden, serve but the more to entangle, and furnish a reason 
 or at least a pretence for weightier chains, and stronger gear 
 ing for the futuie? However good your cause, and I will 
 acknowledge that it is my opinion there could have been no 
 better, yet, from immature exertions, and a want of concert, 
 some of you have been under the necessity of absconding, and 
 others of you have been shot. Those of you who have come 
 to this country ought to distinguish circumstances. You have 
 no doubt meditated much, the greater part of you, upon polit 
 ical establishments ; but it is not a Lycurgus, or a Solon that 
 is wanted so much at this time, as cultivators of the soil. The 
 government that is already framed, may do a while, until we 
 get more ground cleared, and fences put in repair. You will 
 not for a moment entertain the suspicion that I undervalue 
 your capacity for these things; but 1 make a query with re. 
 gard to the expediency of your taking a very active part in 
 the administration, and becoming zealous, but hap-hazzard 
 partizans. You have all heard of what has happened in the 
 neighboring country of France, from instability in govern 
 ment, and from a change of constitution. The guillotine was 
 the result ; you have all heard of the guillotine." 
 
 The crowd, or some one in the crowd, acknowledged that 
 they had heard of the guillotine ; but had not a perfect 
 knowledge or clear conception of what it was. 
 
 It is, continued the governor, a machine which works, as I 
 understand it, something like a farmer's cutting-box. But 
 the noise resembles that of a forge hammer, or a slitting mill. 
 
104 MODERN CHIVALRY. 
 
 Governor, replied an crator, it is not the sound of iron, or 
 the working of hand-saws, that would intimidate an Irishman; 
 nor is it that we think we can make a better constitution than 
 the one that is made, or set up a better government than that 
 cf which your honor is the worthy representative and chief 
 magistrate , but just coming to the country, we like to be 
 concerned in what is going ft r ward When we see the game 
 played, we like to take a hand. When we see a riot going on 
 we like to flourish a febilelah with the rest. Nor is it we 
 alone are moving in the matter. It is your own people that 
 have been bred and born in the country, that make the most 
 ado. We only come in to take a lift at the log ; just as our 
 forefathers did in the war that is. past, where some of us were 
 shot as well as yourselves. Having cleared the ground of the 
 British, along with you, we are entitled to the raising a cabin 
 on the spot ; you may call it a constitution, or what you j lease. 
 But all we want is a bit of ground to set potatoes, and to 
 plant cabbage, with the free use of the shilelah into the bar 
 gain, as we had it in our own country. 
 
 That being the-.case, said the governor, the constitution 
 that you have, will answer every purpose. It is for securing 
 you in your possessions ; and the free use of the shilelah sub 
 ordinate to no law but that of the country, that the government 
 has been adopted. But for it and the laws, what would you 
 differ from the racoons and opposums of the woods? It is 
 this which makes all the difference we find between man and 
 beast. 
 
 This was an unfortunate expression of the governor, and 
 gave countenance to the theory that had begun to prevail 
 about this time, that there was no radical difference between 
 man and beast. And of this we may hear more in the subse 
 quent chapters of this book. But not being in a hurry with 
 this narrative, we shall not go on with the history of this 
 phrenzy of imagination junt immediately. It is time to rest a 
 while ; that is ; to dip the pen till one looks about and reflects 
 upon what has gone before, and may come after. What that 
 
MODERN CHIVALRY. 10$ 
 
 mtiy be I cannot well say ; for though I have all the matter 
 of the book in my head, I have not arranged it in the series 
 and juncture of the particulars, so that I can tell before hand 
 what will come next. My pen moves almost involuntarily, 
 from the mere habit of writing; like people that speak with 
 out being aware of what they say. And this unconcern arises 
 from a consciousness that I have no harm in my mind, and 
 therefore there can come none out ; I mean, actual and in 
 tentional harm. If the maxim is true, quod non kabet, non 
 dabit, I can give no offence to any one, for I mean none. 
 For, notwithstanding all that has been said, or suspected, I 
 never had a single individual in my mind, in characters I 
 have drawn ; but have been dipping my pen simply in the 
 inkstand of human nature. If any man sees himself in this 
 glass, tanquam in speculum it is his own fault to put his 
 face near it. For, it is not my intention to put the glass to 
 him. I will acknowledge that a principal object with me is 
 amusement, and I would hope to keep it innocent, if I cannot 
 make it useful, and I do not see why it may not bo considered 
 as having the like chance for this, with the fable of Menenius 
 Agrippa about the belly and its members ; or any of those 
 which are called ^Esop's, under the similitudes of beasts and 
 birds speaking. But be this as it may, if we should miss the 
 mark, all that can be said, is that, if we mean instruction, we 
 have an awkward way of conveying it. 
 
 But call it even our own amusement alone, that we have in 
 view ; it is a picture of human nature, from childhood to old 
 age ; from the baby-house to the laying out money in bank 
 stock ; or the purchasing land for which the owner has no 
 occasion. It all goes to engage, and employ the mind, 
 whether it is throwing a long bullet, or drawing up an ad 
 dress to the president of the United States. Our hands must 
 be employed, or our minds. And this I take to be a great 
 cause of the restlessness of a mac in society, or out of it the 
 activity of the mental power. And in proportion as a man 
 has less or more of the vis inertice, in that proportion is he 
 locomotive or stationary. vol. 4, 9 
 
106 MODERN CHIVALRY. 
 
 CHAPTER XIX. 
 
 The Convention of delegates to frame the Constitution. 
 
 IT being understood that a constitution by ten, or even 
 twenty men, would be a thing of bad fame, the decemviri 
 among the Romans having got a bad name, it was agreed to 
 call a convention of delegates, the time, places, and manner 
 of choosing which, was pointed out. 
 
 " Tantae molies erat Romanam eondera gentem." 
 
 It is no small work to form a government for a people ; and 
 after all it can only grow out of their previous habits and 
 opinions. Without conforming to them, you might as well 
 attempt to dress up a fine lady, by tossing her garments on her 
 with a pitch fork. Constitutions cannot be made they must 
 grow. 
 
 It was necessary that information should be communicated. 
 But as a journal or gazette might not reach all, or if it did 
 reach them, they might not be able to read, runners were 
 despatched, Tom, Drck, and Harry, to cirry the intelligence. 
 The Captain's posse comitatus, Harum Scarum, O'Fin, the 
 Irishman, &c. having notices written out in a fair hand, were 
 ordered on their travels, through bush, brake and wood-land, 
 to post them up in conspicuous places. 
 
 Due notice having been now given, and, on the day, a 
 chosen few having been selectei from the primary meetings, 
 which, by the bye, were not always very numerous ; for, in 
 some places, the father chose the son, and in other places the 
 son the father ; these, I say, being met, proceeded to debate 
 on the principles of the great magna charta of a constitution. 
 And, as at Runnymede, it was literally under an oak, or rather 
 a grove of oaks, that they were convened, a matter of debate 
 was, whether every th'ng that wore a head should have a vote 
 in choosing legislators. It was restrained to the male kind ; 
 of course, females were excluded. But, should boys come in? 
 
MODERN CHIVLARY, 107 
 
 tl at was the question. Not unless full grown boys. But at 
 what age c*oes the body come to its full growth? Not until 
 the age of 2$, says doctor Jameson, a physician of Chelten 
 ham, in his treatise on the body, does it come to its full 
 growth. It spreads until that time. But impatience to have 
 the rights of men, prevailed with some delegates, and they 
 were of opinion to dock off seven years, and to fix the age of 
 virility at 21 ; for that was the age of the common law, in 
 most of the other states. 
 
 But should the suffrage be universal, or with a qualification 
 of property not real property ? that was out of the question : 
 for every check ought to be put upon engrossing the soil, as 
 the population of the country depended upon restricting to a 
 small share. 
 
 Camillus had but four acres, said the Latin schoolmaster ; 
 and well cultivated, that might suffice any one. At all events 
 it was not good policy to hold out any encouargement to 
 engross land. 
 
 But it was agreed that every man should have a vote in 
 proportion to his stock. For this was originally the meaning 
 of the word chattels. We shall hear more of this anon : for 
 it led to an opinion in the sequel, that beasts themselves 
 should vote. 
 
 Cujum pec*.:s ? an Milliboei ? 
 
 Said the Latin schoolmaster. 
 
 The next question was, shall a majority rule ? That is 
 shall the greater portion of the whole number of votes or 
 merely a plurality, the greater number of votes actually given 
 or the highest on the list of candidates, without reference to 
 the number of voters, or shall there be unanimity or concur 
 rence of all the voters ? The latter is doubtless the pure dem 
 ocratic principle, which supposes each voter a sovereign, and 
 every voter equal to every other voter. Such is the case in 
 the diet, or meeting of sovereign kings, all equal. It is so at 
 the polish diet, or conclave of cardinals electing a Pope. 
 They must all agree. The majority, or the plurality may be 
 
108 MODERN CHIVALRY. 
 
 called the republican principle, to distinguish it; and it is more 
 convenient than the unanimity, which is the democratic. Yet 
 it is the principle of arbitrary power, or force, only one remove 
 frc m despotism. That majority acting unreasonably, or unt_ 
 justly, may act tyranically. Constitutions, checks, and bal 
 ances, are the safeguards against this arbitrary, despotic 
 power. It is inconvenient, and dangerous, to despise large 
 minorities. In the British House of Commons, where the ma 
 jority of the Ministry is small, it is regarded as condemned by 
 the country, and they resign. Compromise grows out of thief 
 power of large minorities ; it is a blessed spirit and the great 
 peace maker, It stands between the depotism of the majority 
 and the rights of the minority. It is a mutual concession, of 
 legal rights on one side, and natural rights on the other. All 
 compacts, or constitutions, have this character. There were 
 seme who insisted, that except as to the qualification to vote, 
 there should be no constitution at all ; but that, bound by no 
 girdle, and no regular distribution of powers, or restraint on 
 the majority, the representatives, when convened, should have 
 free scope, without restraint from preconceived rules, or set 
 forms, shackling the understanding, but that it should be as 
 nearly as possible a pure democracy. Some were for con 
 fining their duty ta the preparing laws, as a committee, to 
 be voted on by ballot by the people. All hands aloft to man 
 the states ship. 
 
 O navis tibi creditam 
 
 Said the schoolmaster. It was at length resolved by show 
 ing hands, that a constitution, after the model of the states, 
 should be adopted. 
 
 The Captain was re-elected Governor. 
 
 The'blind lawyer Chief Justice. 
 
 O'Fin, Sheriff. 
 
 the Tinker, Attorney General* 
 
MODERN CHIVALRY. 100 
 
 CHAPTER XX. 
 
 Universal suffrage shall it be confined to rational creatures, or 
 may horses, sheep, and other cattle vote? 
 
 THE new constitution had hardly gone into operation, 
 before new discussions took place. Various questions were 
 agitated. One of the first -was the propriety of universal 
 suffrage, that is, whether every poll should poll, or have a 
 vote; or that property should also vote. If property alone, 
 the question would arise, whether soil only ; or also goods and 
 chattels. If soil only, to what quantity or quality, shall the suf 
 frage be attached ? An hundred acres of soil of a bad quality, 
 may not have the intrinsic worth of one of good. How should 
 an inspector, or judge of an election, determine on the quality 
 unless the owner brings a sample with him, as the man who 
 had his house to sell, brought a brick. This would be an 
 inconvenience ; and would render it impracticable to escape 
 frauds. For a man might dig a sample from hia neighbor's, 
 and pass it for his own. And as to quantity, the occupier of 
 the greater quantity, is the less valuable citizen, especially 
 who holds more than he cultivates, because he neither eats 
 the hay, nor lets another eat it. It is preposterous that soil 
 should vote ; a dumb field, a dead tree with a crow's nest 
 upon it; an hazle bush ; a morass, or a barren mountain; or 
 even a hill with a tuft of oaks upon it. These are all inani 
 mate substances ; how can they vote ? For goods and chat 
 tels, something might be said ; a live beast particularly, as 
 the animal could not speak, not with a viva voce^vote, like 
 a man ; more hiimano, like a human creature. But with some 
 guttural sound from the throat, or fauces, which might be 
 called its own ; and not like the tree with a turkey-buzzard 
 on it ; and which is not its own voice. I mean that of the 
 tree, said the speaker, who was running on this manner ; and 
 vol. 4, 9* 
 
110 MODERN CHIVALRY^ . 
 
 jet it is advocated that stocks and stones, that go with the 
 soil, shall have a vote. There might be some reason in im 
 provements voting a brick house or a dutch-barn but none 
 at all in the mere brutum tellus of an estate. 
 
 This had led the way to an hypothesis, that property in 
 moveables should alone entitle ; and this, after some debate, 
 began to be narrowed down to property in living animals; 
 especially to useful quadrupeds, and those of full growth, and 
 who had come to yeara, I will not say of discretion, but of 
 maturity. From the light thrown upon the subject, the right 
 of suffrage to grown cattle had become so popular, that there 
 was no resisting it; not that, viva voce, it was proposed or 
 thought of, that inartieulating speaking creatures should 
 speak out, or name their representatives, nor even that they 
 give in a ballot, but that they should be brought upon the 
 ground to show their faces, that there might be no imposition* 
 the voters alleging that they had cattle when they had not. 
 
 But it was not to every owner's beast that it was advisable 
 to extend the right ; but only to the more valuable animals : 
 or such as were of a good breed ; Virginia horses that are fit 
 for the saddle or the turf. 
 
 It may seem very strange ; but actually the thing took 
 and at a polling, some time after, it began to be carried into 
 effect, that beasts should be constituents, and have their rep 
 resentatives. It was not to the principle, but the individual 
 beast that some exceptions took place ; as for instance, an 
 English bull was brought upon the hustings to give his vote. 
 We will have no English bull, said the inspectors. Not that 
 a brute beast is not entitled to a vote, nor that a bull 
 cannot vote or be voted for ; but this is an English bull. No 
 English bull can vote. You might as well bring an English 
 man himself to the polls. It is in right of the bull-keeper, o r 
 bull-owner, that the bull claims the suffrage. If an English 
 man, himself, not naturalized, is excluded, how can his bul 
 or his horse, or any other quadruped be admitted ? It would 
 be sufficient to set aside the electron if his ticket was intro 
 
MODERN CHIVALRY, 111 
 
 duced. A bull indeed! The name of John Bull is appro 
 priate to an Englishman. An Irish bull is quite another 
 matter ; John Bull shall have no voter here. 
 
 In the mean time, a man on an iron grey horse rode up to 
 the window, which was open for receiving tickets, and une 
 quivocally insisted on a vcte for his horse. Vouchers stood 
 by, who averred that he was foaled in the county ; that, horse 
 and colt, they had known him many years ; that as to hi& 
 paying taxes, they could not so well say, unless his labour 
 on the farm could be considered as paying tax. 
 
 And now, the horse putting his nose in at the window, 
 taking it for a rack, an inspector gave him a fillip on the 
 snout, which resenting, the owner wheeling round, the horse 
 wheeling under him, he rode over one or more of the by 
 standers who were in the way. 
 
 It may be material to mention that the horse's mane and 
 tail were black, to distiguish him from a grey horse that be 
 longed to another person. A warm controversy arose on the 
 subject, some taking the one side, and some the other. Some 
 also stood mute, not choosing to take part in election disputes. 
 Others, were very positive and violent. Such is the result of 
 strong passions, when not under the control of reason and 
 reflection. Weak persons are always the most positive, 
 because they cannot afford the acknowledgment of an error. 
 It will not do to admit fallibility ; for there is no knowing 
 how far the inference may be drawn. 
 
 Another man came up, who brought a sheep to the polls ;" a 
 merino ram, who, he said, was entitled to a vote, having 
 resided in the country, since he had been brought in by 
 Humphreys, representing him to be of the breed of the great 
 Fezzea ram, though there were those who thought it might 
 be what is called a yankee trick; not but, that all Americans 
 may be capable of substituting a thing for what it is not ; and 
 all are called Yankees by the British ; but New England 
 men are distinguished ; and called Yankee Doodles. 
 
112 MODERN CHIVALRY. 
 
 The ram is not entitled to a vote said the Inspector, nor 
 ought he to be permitted to put in a ticket, were he of the 
 breed of the golden fleece guarded by the fiery dragons whom 
 Jason overcame and brought away the wool; no; not if he 
 was the very ram that was caught in the thicket; or that 
 Daniel saw in his vision coupled with the he goa k . But he it 
 a Spanish ram, born under despotism, how can he be expected 
 to give a republican vote ? Of papist origin, he may bring the 
 Inquisition with him : coming here to vote. Besides, this is 
 a very real sheep, that is offered ; and not one whom we call 
 a sheep in a figurative sense of the word. Where we call 
 men horses, or asses, we do not mean always that they are 
 so, puris naturalibus, without overalls on, with the horn and 
 the hoof about them, but shadowing forth the same thing 
 under a veil of metaphor, as the case may be. But not on 
 this ground altogether do I reject him ; and because he has 
 wool on his back ; but, because ha is of Barbary origin. The 
 Moors brought the breed into Spain. You may cast a sheep's 
 eye at the window as long as you p'ease, master ram ; but not 
 a vote shall you have as long as / am here. I do not know 
 whether you are not a half breed, and no genuine merino. 
 So away with him, as the song says. 
 
 " To the ewe-boughts, Marian." 
 
 Another person coming up, brought a large ox, which he 
 called Thomas Jefferson, not out of respect to the ox, but to 
 the man, as having a good name and reputation. Make way, 
 said the voters, for Thomas Jefferson. We will have no 
 Thomas Jefferson, said the Insp< ctor ; he is out of his district. 
 I assert the contrary, said the owner; he was calved in this 
 settlement. He is called the mammoth ox, and I had thought 
 of driving him to Washington ; but that I knew, that if he were 
 he might be made a present to Jefferson, the congress would 
 eat him, as they did the mammoth cheese ; so that the presi 
 dent would scarcely get a slice of him. For there are parasite s 
 in all countries; and the worthless are chiefly those who 
 dance attendance upon men in office; and how can it be 
 
MODERN CHIVALRY. 113 
 
 avoided to invite them to partake of civilities ? You will" 
 certainly allow a vote to Thomas Jefferson. No ; not if he 
 "was the real Jefferson from Montieello, said the inspector. 
 How can I tell but he may introduce the same politics ? That 
 is true said another ; break judges, abolish taxes, dismantle 
 navies, build gunboats, lay embargoes, depress armies, pay 
 no tributes toBarbary powers, issue proclamations, wear red 
 breeches, receive ambassadors in pantaloons and slippers, 
 collect prairie dogs, and horned frogs, dream of salt moun 
 tains, walk with Petimetres, and be under French influence* 
 We will have no Thomas Jefferson. You may drive off your 
 ox. He shall have no vote here. 
 
 No doubt the judges and inspectors, being men of sense, 
 saw the ab&urdity of carrying the principle so far into prao 
 tice, as to admit the representation of property, by this 
 property being itself, and in its own individual existence, the 
 constituent. But not thinking it safe, or practicable, to resist 
 this temporary phrenzy, and misrepresentation of things, by a 
 direct resistance, it became necessary, by indirect means to 
 avoid it. To lay it down in the face of the multitude that 
 these new voters had not a right, would not have been en 
 dured ; but parry ing it by questioning the right in a particular 
 ease, gave no umbrage. It was saving the principle, though 
 it denied the exercise. 
 
 The man that had rode down the by-standers, and was 
 taken up for a horse thief, was pardoned by the governor 
 This was done to get quit of the investigation ; the governor 
 thinking it for the credit of the country that there should be 
 nothing~said about the" occasion and manner of the felony; 
 or the mistake under which the imputation had arisen. 
 
 But, party spirit continued to run high j some insisting 
 on the right of suffrage to their cattle ; and others consid 
 ering it a burlesque. You might have seen shilelahs in the 
 air, and several bullocks were knocked down that were 
 brought up to the polls. A lad was tumbled from his 
 palfry as he was riding him to water, under an idea that 
 
114 MODERN CHIVALRY. 
 
 he was bringing him to aid the adverse ticket. The ram that 
 had been off red, seeing arrive the sheep, cried ba; and it 
 was insisted that he had given his vote, which the candidate 
 against whom it was taken down, resented, and hit the tup a 
 stroke, that, in the sailor's phrase, brought him on his beam 
 ends. The blow struck a pig in a poke, which a man was 
 carrying ho,me, and which was heard to squeal. What, said 
 the assailant, are you bringing here the swinish multitude to 
 vote? 
 
 Nevertheless, it was not so much the admitting quadrupeds, 
 but unqualified cattle that became the subject of the contro 
 versy ; intelligent persons arguing that it was a thing shame 
 ful in itself, and unjust. Because it was a fraud up m the 
 whole community, that stragglers should be brought forward, 
 which the individual concerned in the fraud reconciled to 
 himself on the score of serving the party: that it required 
 some refinement to be aware of the indelicacy of urging an 
 improper vote. Was it reasonable to suppose that a horse 
 creature could give an independent vote, that was in the pow 
 er of his owner to be stinted of his oats, and rode faster or 
 slower as he thought proper, on a journey ? Was it to be 
 supposed that he could judge wisely of the comparative merits 
 of candidates, or of the party principles or policy involved in 
 his vote ? But the same question might be asked of the great 
 er part of the rational voters. Was it reasonable to expect 
 that the ox would think differently on political subjects from 
 bis master? Should he venture to dissent, a crack of the whip 
 or the point of the goad, would bring him to hissenses. Even a 
 rational creature, that may be supposed to have more forti 
 tude, is usually in subjection to the master, in matter of opin 
 ion, where he is a slave. It is for this reason that slaves are 
 excluded. Whatever might plausibly be said as to the expe 
 diency of extending ihe privilege of citizenship to those ani 
 mals* that are firas natures, and are at their own- hands in a 
 forest, it is quite another matter, as far as it respects domesti 
 cated animals, that have no will of their own, but are under 
 
MODERN CHIVALRY. 115 
 
 dominion, whether subjugated to a plough or a team, The 
 wild animals that roatn, have some spirit of independence. 
 They would starve before they would tamely submit them 
 selves to arbitrary rule, and government. Hence it is, that 
 traps are used. It requires shooting to bring some to terms. 
 But an ox may be goaded into acquiescence. He d< es not 
 drink whiskey, it is true ; and for that reason, it cannot be 
 said that whiskey will purchase him ; but is there nothing to 
 be done with good grass? The encitements are various that 
 might be held out to allure from the independence of his own 
 judgment.* 
 
 As to horses voting on the occasion we are speaking of, so 
 far as matter of fact is concerned, I admit it has been denied. 
 For that though a great number of horses were seen to be 
 ridden up, yet it is usual to go on horseback to elections, es 
 pecially when the voters have tq come from some distance ; 
 so that the mere circumstance of being on the ground, is no 
 conclusive evidence of having given a vote; and this, I am 
 the more careful to note, as in the case of a new government, 
 that like an individual, has a character, in some measure to 
 establish, it is of moment, that what is groundlessly alleged, 
 be explained. At the same time, I am aware of the impolicy 
 of denying a thing in toto, where there is no foundation 
 
 *This satire on the extravagance and folly of the people, is car 
 ried to the extent of broad caricature. It was the design of the 
 author to render them more striking ; and if we look around on 
 real life in our society, we shall find extravagances, that tall little 
 short of these here portrayed. Some of them are floating unem- 
 bodied in the public inind, others are actually condensed into pal 
 pable, or visible substance, like the nebulas in infinite space It 
 is worthy of remark, that the idea ot women voting was not then 
 thought of; since he wrote, the claim has been formally set up, by 
 the 'Women's Mghts Convention.' The following is the resolu 
 tion passed in~ 1 ^5 1: ' 'That as taxation without representation was 
 unjust, therefore women should be allowed to participate in polit 
 ical institutions, and vote; that every party which claims to res 
 pect humanity, civilization and progress of the age, must inscribe 
 on its banners. ' Equality before the law, without distinction of 
 sex,' " or the weaker sex must wear breeches, and the stronger 
 nurse babies ! 
 
116 MObERtt CHIVALRY, 
 
 were there no other reason that would induce an historian to 
 adhere to the truth. For even where a man is pressing a 
 matter that is difficult to be belitved, and he has nothing in 
 truth to concede, he will yield a little, skilfully, in order to 
 give the impression of candor, and secure belief to the more 
 important points. How much more does it behoove a writer 
 to be careful of insisting on the freedom from all blame on 
 the part of those whom he advocates, lest that he bring in 
 question the veracity of his relation, when he has everything 
 on his side. I do not, therefore, say positively, that the in 
 spectors and judges of the election, in some districts, were not 
 deceived, and their vigilance baffled ; or that they did not 
 connive : for that would be saying too much considering the 
 nature of affairs. The most vigilant cannot always watch ; 
 and the most severe in their notions of the rights of persona 
 may indulge. But, granting that some horse creatures did 
 vote, with their riders on their backs, does it follow that the 
 inspectors had notice of it ; or that the persons who usually 
 stand by and vouch for the right of suffrage to the individual 
 were not to blame? They may have announced their names 
 as rational ; and under that idea, may have got their votes ta 
 ken. I have been the more careful in throwing out theso 
 hints, because if it were once admitted that such votes did 
 pass, unless surreptitiously, and sub silentio, it might grow 
 into precedent. And we well know that, in matters of politi 
 cal and legal law, precedent has the force of authority. It 
 may be suggested, as not fairly presumable, that inspectors 
 and judges could be deceived. I have seen too much of elec 
 tions not to think that practice to be unfair, where an indi 
 vidual, powerful for wealth or family, is a candidate, or 
 where there is a contest of party somewhat violent ; and un 
 principled and daring individuals will take their stations, 
 and act as common vouchers on an election day, as to the 
 name, age, freedom, or estate of the person who offers a vote. 
 He will be supported by pugilists, or persons prepared with 
 clubs, who, though they do not actually strike, will m,enace 
 
MODERN CHIVALRY. lt 
 
 with this appearance of force, and intimidate those who might 
 dispute the vouching that is given. And in the course of time 
 violence may be actually used, when ruffians and gladiators 
 will keep away irom the polls the more feeble, or peaceful 
 citizens. I consider all this as immoral and unbecoming. I 
 have seen even inspectors and judges intimidated by this show 
 of hostility ; and I would not wonder if I were to hear that, 
 under this awe, in some place, improper votes were taken. 
 Not that I would excuse this timidity of officers, as lessening 
 it fmm a misdemeanor to a mere neglect of duty. I repre 
 hend buth the overawing and being overawed in the discharge 
 of a public trust ; it will be a sad day for the people, when 
 the elective franchise, this divine essence, the life of liberty, 
 shall be crushed out by the foot of violence! In that day we 
 shall call upon the rocks of despotism to fall down and cover 
 us. 
 
 But injustice to the character of the country, T incline to 
 think, after all that has been reported to the contrary, that 
 instances of beasts voting were more rare than is imagined ; 
 and that a considerable foundation of what has gone abroad 
 on this head, was the epithets bestowed by the contending 
 parties, calling one another beasts ; such as horses, asses, 
 sheep, buifaloes, oxen, and the names of other cattle. All this 
 metaphorically, just as persons of a less polished education, 
 where they dispute on literary or theological subjects, call 
 each other geese, sucking-pigs, or turkey buzzards. I have 
 heard even well-bred persons speak of their antag nists, after 
 a warm debate, as wood peckers and mire snipes. In politi. 
 cal controversies, it is no uncommon thing, to bestow the epi 
 thet of jack-ass. I have heard even an accomplished lady 
 use the term monkey, speaking of an individual of the other 
 sex. It would be endless to enumerate the application of such 
 terms, that do not in themselves import the natural form or 
 metamorphose of any person, 
 vol. 4, 10 
 
MODERN CHIVALRY. 
 
 CHAPTER XXI. 
 
 Governor Farrago takes into consideration his Message to the 
 Legislature. 
 
 The Governor had been indisposed the whole day of the 
 election, but being now recovered and the Legislature about 
 to meet shortly, it behooves him to think of an address to the 
 legislative body. He was at a loss whether to adopt the mode 
 of the kings of England, reading the speech himself, or hav 
 ing it read for him in his presence ; or that introduced in 
 these states, since the revolution ; or rather m this, a later 
 period of the republican history > by sending a message, that 
 is, a written document to be communicated by the secretary. 
 
 The message has the advantage in this, that it is a depart 
 ure from the English precedent, which of itself carries rea 
 son. But there is more in it, when we consider that it is more 
 convenient. Because, when a man makes a speech orally, it 
 is not all of it that can be heard in the crowd that usually 
 assembles Oh the occasion of an inauguration. And when it 
 is heard it is not all of it that can be recollected. Many things 
 escape the memory* Whereas when it is by way of written 
 document, it can be heard to his satisfaction ; not that it 
 would be decent to encore it on the floor of the house ; but 
 members can recur to it from time to time, and read it them 
 selves. In that case they are not kept so long standing on 
 their feet, as when it is heard slowly and with much ceremo 
 ny of bringing it forward in the first instance. For the await, 
 ing the arrival of the Governor who is to deliver the speech) 
 and the arrangements that must be made for the places of the 
 other officers of government, and the body of the representa 
 tives, is tedious ; and it ought to be a principle in public, as 
 it is in private life, to consult ease where it answers no good 
 purpose to take trouble. Almost all unnecessary ceremony 
 is displeasing to a man of sense. The finest expression I 
 
MODERN CHIVALRY. 119 
 
 I have met with on this bead, is in the Arcadia of Sir Philip 
 Sidney : "There was ceremony without being ceremonious." 
 I have some impression in my mind of having quoted this 
 very expression somewhere else, in this or some other book, 
 but I cannot rtcullect with certainty, nor have I time to turn 
 back and examine. It is very possible that I repeat the same 
 ideas in many places, but what of that, if a good thing is twice 
 said? This beautiful remain of the genius of that time is 
 addressed, if I remember Tight, to his sister the Marchioness 
 of Pembroke. It is of her that the Epitaph is written. 
 
 "Underneath this marble hearse, 
 Lies the subject of all verse ; 
 Sidney's sister, Pembroke's mother 
 Death, ere thou hast kill'd another, 
 Wise, and good, and fair as she, 
 Time shall throw a dart at thee. 
 
 You will say this is a digression. There is no doubt but it 
 is. But can it be said that I indulge myself much in this way? 
 On the contrary, are there many writers that stick closer to 
 their subject than I have in general done? Besides I would 
 not write a syllable of what I am now writing, were it not 
 that it is thought necessary, that I should not leave my book 
 at a short angle : but round it off, by giving it something like 
 a natural conclusion. 4nd the truth is, as my ideas are in a 
 great measure exhausted, I mean those that are near the sur 
 face ; I have not time to fish for such as swim in deep water, 
 or to wait, having taken all that were of a larger size, until 
 the small fry grow bigger. So that whenever a thought leads 
 me into a quotation, I do not make a scruple of conscience 
 to run after it ; especially if I have any reason to think, upon 
 the small reflection I can give it, that the quotation will be 
 better than the original idea that might have taken place of 
 it. So far as respects my own taste, I read with great pleas 
 ure oftentimes a book, which has not a single idea in it from 
 beginning to end, except in the quotations, as is the case 
 with Burton's " Anatomy of Malaucholly," one of the most 
 learned books ever written. It is a perfect lumber house of 
 
120 MODERN CHIVALRY. 
 
 ideas on all subjects. The only question that is made, will be, 
 is the quotation from a good author ; or does it amuse or 
 instruct? Nor in reading good moral observations, or Anec 
 dotes of great men, do I carp whether they are in a connected 
 series, or strung together like Swift's " Critical Dissertation 
 ou th, faculties of the hnman mind." The Apothegms of 
 Plutarch are somewhat in the same way. The Chapters of 
 Athenasus, and Noctes Atticoe of Aulius Gellius, are of the 
 same rambling composition. Montaigne's Essays, also, and 
 eotne ot the introductory chapters of Henry Fielding. The 
 fact is, that as a regularly bred cook will show hi ? skill in the 
 culinary art, by making a savoury dish out of the soal of an 
 old shoe, and a tallow candle, so, it may depend upon the 
 manner more than the matter of what is said, whether it be 
 acceptable. Unquestionably th<jre are but few that have the 
 rare talent of saying things agreeably ; and I am not sure 
 that I have shown that art in any degree in this book. But 
 what hinders aiming at it, by those who feel a benevolence of 
 heart, ->nd wish to please? If any man is amused by any of 
 these images that I am endeavoring to paint, he will be under 
 obligation to me, though he may refuse to acknowledge it. 
 It is allowable towards the end of a book to digress ; and, in 
 the manner of old age, deal in narrative. Though I will ac- 
 knowbdge that I have seldom met with old men who were 
 not apt to digress too much in their narrations. That old 
 men are more talkative than those of earlier years, is charac 
 teristic "Garrulous oil age;" but that they are apt to 
 digress is not so generally noted ; though it would seem to 
 me to be the case, and were it put upon me to account for it, 
 looking into nature at my own age, I wonld resolve it into the 
 multiplicity of ideas as one cause. They ure numerous, and 
 press for utterance ; and when a certain set have had an out 
 let in part, the speaker suspends a while the prosecuting 
 them, and goes back to fetch others. It would be like Chary on 
 in his boat upon the river Styx, were there an island in it, 
 ferrying a number of the shades halfway; leaving them on 
 
MODERN CHIVALRY. ll 
 
 the island, and going back to bring others that distance, who 
 are crowding on the shore, and anxious to cross. Or like a 
 mechanic, that has a great number of customers, and cannot 
 satisfy, but by beginning the work of several, carrying it on 
 by pieces ; having it in his power to say to all that their work 
 is on hands. 
 
 But I return to say something on the subject of ceremony, 
 the point from whence we digressed. For the forms of taking 
 place, or seats, or at least the coming into the government 
 house, partakes something of the nature of ceremony in polite 
 assemblies, on other occasions. All attention to which, and 
 the trouble of it, is avoided by the transmitting what is to be 
 said, in the shape of what is called a message, which may be 
 carried by the secretary and laid on the table. 
 
 Having adopted the mode of address by message, it was 
 prepared, and transmitted to the legislature now convened. 
 We have been furnished with an extract of some part of it, 
 which we shall now introduce. 
 
 It will not be understood, that I am to give the whole mes 
 sage at full length; which would be unnecessary, as I think 
 it is full time, that in the addresses, or messages of governors, 
 in most instances, the common-place parts might be omitted; 
 such as what respects improvements of roads, encouragement 
 of domestic manufactures, and the making a new militia law, 
 felicitating on abundant harvests ; or complimenting the 
 administration of the general government, which comes also 
 under this head. There are many like common-place subjects 
 which it were tedious to enumerate, but which may, in this 
 instance, be considered as disposed of. We hasten to the main 
 matter which the governor touched upou, tho particular situ 
 ation and affairs of the new government. I cannot do better 
 than j ust to make an extract in his own words. It is the con 
 cluding part, and the plainest in point of expression. For 
 there is a certain stateliness and dignity in the style of such 
 compositions, that is excusable in the initiatory, or preambular 
 part, that need not be observed so punctiliously in what 
 vol. 4, 10* 
 
122 MODERN CHIVALRY. 
 
 relates to real business. Tropes need not rise rapidly, nor 
 need these be taken so much from lofty objects in nature ; 
 such as the billows of the ocean, or tempests on the land, 
 or the movements of heavenly bodies. All may be simple, 
 like that of information, or opinion given in common cases, 
 
 The extracs which we give relates to a matter which may 
 be supposed to have occupied the mind of his excellency, the 
 innovations projected, and which had got some footing in the 
 minds of the people, respecting a change in the extent of suf 
 frage at elections, and the right of being elected consequent 
 upon it. For if any, but those under the denomination of 
 rational persons, could elect, other than rational persons 
 might be elected. For, similia a similibus gignuntur. But 
 that he might not give offence, by attacking a prejudice ab 
 ruptly, he approached the subject ^ircuitously, by talking of 
 the promotion of kn >wledge, and the establishment of schools. 
 But I continue to talk of the message, rather than to give it. 
 Here it is, that part of it that we have spoken of : 
 
 *'I would not be understood as meaning to insinuate, even, 
 in the most distant manner, a deficiency of natural understand 
 ing, or any extraordinary want of information in the members 
 of your honorable body. I am the mure careful to suggest 
 this, because of the known prejudices which the inhabitants 
 of the sea-coasts entertain, in favor of themselves. Because, 
 from the greater opportunities they have of ships arriving, 
 they may have information of the affairs of Europe, sooner 
 than we have, they may be disposed to attribute this, to a 
 greater facility of apprehension ; and because, they have 
 schools and collfeges of an older foundation, and more acces 
 sible from the propinquity of situation. Hence they are led 
 to think that their possessing more scientific knowledge is 
 owing to themselves, and n t to this accidental advantage. 
 The truth is, that in point of talent, so far as this includes the 
 capacity of acquiring learning, or judging solidly, I take it 
 the ultramontane people are before those of the cities or of 
 the towns, and settlements on the sca*coast : not thut in this 
 
MODERN CHIVALRY. 123 
 
 case I resolve it into a superior strength of the brain, so much 
 as into the circumstance of better air on the mountains than 
 in the cities ; unless indeed I except those just on the sea 
 board, and where they have the benefit of the salt breeze. It 
 may not be that they possess stronger, but only clearer brain. 
 For if the marshes, and the low grounds, overflowed in some 
 part, with the rivers, infect the atmosphere with damps, and 
 vapours, that affect the body, how can the brain which is a 
 part of the body, escape, being muddied with what natural 
 ists call the effluviae, arid physicians, the miasmata, which 
 are the cause of this ? Are the draught cattle of these places, 
 of the activity of those of the hills ? Our horses are a small 
 er breed, but they are more alert on a journey. Our wild 
 beasts in general, are more agile in their movements, and 
 seem to have more resources of cunning, and foresight than 
 the tame ; but even domesticated quadrupeds wi.th us seem to 
 be like the human species, in the same regions ; that is, of a 
 superior cast to the denizens oi the low country. No wonder, 
 for the barometer will show the difference that exists in the 
 gravity of the atmosphere. And running and jumping itself, 
 is rrore favorable to clearness of head, than standing behind 
 a counter arid casting up figures. If I were to take one of 
 those so employed in order to enlighten him, the first thing I 
 would do, would be to apprehend him by tbe locks, and to set 
 him on the top of a hill to look about him for a while. I 
 would ehaKe him well before I would set him down to his les 
 son. A man's ideas in a shop, are in proportion to the size 
 of the room ; he thinks narrowly if not meanly, who has not 
 more than a few yards of prospect for the greater part of the 
 twenty-four hours in the day. We acquire the magnitude of 
 surrounding objects, and our conceptions enlaige by the space 
 that presents itself. 
 
 Why is it that all great generals, look for the rising and 
 upper ground in engagemtuts ? There is a great dt^al in the 
 bare imagiration. T;.e paradox of the schools, crede qitud 
 habis, et /tabes, its not true ; but thinking that you can conquer, 
 
1S4 MODERN CHIVALRY. 
 
 goes a great way to give the victory. And the soldier that 
 has his head higher than his adversary, is led naturally, by 
 a kind of incalculable impulse, to think that he can subdue 
 him. At the same time, whatever may be my prepossessions 
 in favor of a reform, I have not been able to entertain senti 
 ments equally sanguine with them on this particular. I con 
 sider it rather the offspring of a disturbed mind of some sea- 
 coast politician, that has broached this doctrine, or would 
 induce a community to adopt the hypothesis ; and this, not so 
 much out of respect to the powers of mind with us, as compli 
 mentary to their own vanity, who have been able to excogi 
 tate the idea. It is therefore not surprising that some who 
 have come amongst us, have their imaginations elevated by 
 residing on this range of hills, so as to magnify objects, and 
 thus conceive the idea that even our beasts are capable of ex 
 traordinary cultivation. If it is not rather meditated as an 
 insult, oeing as much as to say, the difference is so small be 
 tween you and your cattle, that there can be no conclusive 
 reason, or cogent argument, why you might not be put upon 
 the same footing. For as the- parallax of remote stars seem 
 of inferior magnitude, and we consider them to the naked eye 
 as in i roximity ; so it is in the light of an imputation of infe 
 riority in the human species here, that I have taken up the 
 suggestion. For why did they not begin with their own beasts 
 in the lower country, to ameliorate their condition and extend 
 their rights ? They have been visionary enough, in all con 
 science, with their abolition of iJie common law, and other in 
 novations ; but they have not come so far as to talk of natural* 
 izing cattle, strictly speaking , though some of their naturali 
 zations have been of very uncouth persons. It is not sufficient 
 that the heat and moisture of the climate may produce yellow 
 fever in their towns, but that political pestilence spread from 
 thence. However able you may be as a body, yet if a few 
 bulls, hide and tallow, were actually mixed among you, by 
 means of the intrigues of these people, you might become the 
 subject of ridicule, instead of admiration ; no if pards and 
 
MODERN CHIVALRY. 125 
 
 bears are to be admitted to appear, or officiate in any depart 
 ment of representative capacity, it ou/iht to be at the bar, 
 where noise may be better tolerated, and growling may pass 
 for ability. The late disorderly elections in the districts, was 
 owing to this proposition of giving beasts votes; whereas, in 
 the opinion of most persons, if any \vere sober, on that day, 
 there were beasts enough on the ground, if I may be allowed 
 to call them so, in a comparative way of speaking, who, on 
 these occasions, can reconcile it lo themselves, to cheat and 
 to wrangle in support of the frauds they have committed. It 
 is in this sense of the word that the Apostle Paul speaks, when 
 he says he "fought with bea'ts at Ephesus;" not as some take 
 it, that he was exposed to wild beasts in the amphitheatre, 
 according to the barbarous custom of the .Romans. If all the 
 election laws that can be framed are ineffectual to restrain 
 breaches of the peace even now, while men only are allowed 
 the privilege of voting, how would it be, if the elective fran 
 chise was enlarged to creatures that have claws, or horns, or 
 hoofs, especially under the influence of liquor, as is too often 
 the case at elections ? The biting and the gouging would be 
 increased; and there would be so many tame animals, at least, 
 beaten and bruised, that they would be unfit for the services 
 of agriculture, which will leave the husbandmen without the 
 means of tilling their ground, or getting in their crops. On 
 all these considerations, the scheme, or project, as it may be 
 better cahed, appears to me fraught with inconveniences; and 
 to be a reform at this time, not practicable. 
 
 " The abuses of the late election, whether any in the way 
 of improper votes admitted, it would not become me to insin 
 uate, nor do I insinuate as to what may have taken place, but 
 what has been advo 3ated as a positive reform. You are your 
 selves judges of the legality of your own elections ; and see 
 ing neither tails among you, nor manes on any of your shoul 
 ders, I take it for granted you are all men, and have been 
 elected by such. For though an hundred or two horse votes 
 may have been counted ; or a kid, or a merino ram, here or 
 
126 MODERN JHIVALRY. 
 
 there, may have got his nose in the dish, it does not follow 
 that it has made the difference of a representative in any one 
 case. The purity of the elective franchise, is the first germ of 
 liberty ; it is the bud at which it breaks forth. If the frost 
 of fraud blights, no fruit springs from th'e tree. The preven 
 tion of fraud is the object of the laws; but the distinguishing 
 the objects of trust is equally important. That must remain 
 with the citizens at large." 
 
 The message of his excellency couched in these wary words, 
 was nevertheless, unfavorably received by the members pre 
 sent, and those of the country attending. The contortions in 
 the visages of them expressed disapprobation. The words 
 aristocracy were muttered. The physiognomy of some had 
 the appearance of one whom an inexpert barber was shaving 
 with a bad razor ; there was screwing and twisting of the 
 features, and a wry countenance at the greater part of the 
 words read. 
 
 CHAPTER XXII. 
 
 From, the Right of Suffrage, the popular attention is turned to 
 the Right of Delegation. Shall brutes be voted eligible? 
 
 FROM the right of suffrage to the right of delegation, the 
 transition was easy ; and hence the idea of admitting beasts 
 to vote at elections, naturally led to that of beasts being voted 
 for, and elected to a representative body. Why not, said an 
 advocate of this policy? Because, said an adversary, they 
 cannot speak ; brutum pecus that have no utterance, not even 
 to say aye or no. 
 
 That is the very reason, said the other, that it behooves to 
 choose such delegates. What do we not suffer from the ver 
 biage, and loquacity of members ? A measure of peade or 
 war cannot be carried, but over the belly of a thousand har 
 angues, protracted to an immeasurable length, by orators that 
 
MODERN CJHIVALRY. 127 
 
 V 
 
 know as little of tbe subject as a whippoorwill or a jay-bird ; 
 and yet chatter continually so as to prevent the question be. 
 ing taken. Commend me to a brute beast, a buffaloe, or sheep 
 that would chefir the cud, and hold its tongue. If there were 
 at least a mixture of these, there would be fewer speakers, 
 and take up less time. Unless you gag a member he will 
 speak, though no one would wish him to open his mouth, un* 
 less to take a quid of tobacco. If an elk or a horse were to 
 speak, he would make the speech short, if we were to infer 
 from that pithy speech made by Baalam's ass ; coming to the 
 point at once, and saving all in a few words, that most of 
 your human orators now-a-days in deliberative bodies, would 
 choose to say in a speech of many hours. These would seem 
 to make conscience of giving quantity for quality, and this is 
 the only apology that can be made for interminable rhapso 
 dies. Nor is it enough that they waste time in speaking, but 
 they must write out what they have said and trouble the pub 
 lic with their conceptions in the papers, crude as they would 
 seem to be, and tiresome to read. If any one should under 
 take to travel through them ; it can only be such as have much 
 leisure on their hands, and are at a loss to know what to do with 
 their time. But the mischief is not to be altogether avoided 
 by the not reading them, because the journals are taken up 
 with such effusions, in the place of which something better 
 might be selected for the public. There is a double advan*. 
 tage in the brute animal, to whom nature had denied the pow 
 er of speech, in being a member of congress, because in this 
 case there is usually denied to such, the talent of writing 
 speeches. If a member, conscious to himself of not excelling 
 in extempore eloquence, should hold his tongue, like a dumb 
 creature, yet it is ten to one but he will write speeches that 
 he has saved from his prolixity, yet the press is made to groan 
 under the oppression of his verbosity. Give me a young colt 
 that will say little, rather than a jackanapes of the human 
 species that will be eternally on the floor. I am for sending 
 a few asses, not figuratively, but literally to our council, who 
 
128 MODERN CHIVALRY. 
 
 will bray, but will do no more than bray a reasonable length 
 of time, and suffer the more intelligent of the members to ar 
 range and carry through the business. No ass brays more 
 than a few minutes at a time, unless you pinch it, or occasion 
 it uneasiness in some way. Whether is it more against na 
 ture, to send nominally something else, but in fact an ass? 
 
 If a beast ot the forest should go to the house, he will not 
 be continually turning his head round to listen, and to hear 
 what other beasts say of his speeches, or his vote. He will 
 be more independent of his constituents that are running at 
 large upon the hills or upoii the pasture, nor will the idea 
 come into his head, that he is bound by their instructions ; a 
 thing inconsistent with the delegating representatives to think 
 where they will have a better opportunity of knowing what is 
 for the good of the commonwealth. If this doctrine is correct, 
 it is the constituent what stays at home that is to think, and 
 the representative that goes to a public body, not to think at 
 all ; at least not to make use of his thoughts, which, by the 
 bye, is an argument for beasts going, and men staying at 
 home. Will the desire of popularity induce your wild or tame 
 cattle to make long speeches, or to regard whit Tom, Dick or 
 Harry may say about their votes ? They may be led to pro 
 long the session for the sake of oats and corn, which they 
 have in their mangers ; but it will not be by many words that 
 this will be done. One cause, at least, of the mischief will be 
 struck away. The desire of members to retain their seats, 
 and procure a re-election, will not exist so stroi g with the 
 denixens of the woods, who will naturally not have the same 
 attachment to a house as human creatures that are accustom 
 ed to be within doors. On all these grounds, there will be 
 more independence in our councils, and less subservience to 
 popular opinion. Individuals will not be continually looking 
 out to see which way the wind blows, nor will they covet 
 place and preferment so much, looking out to be embassadors; 
 or to have other appointments abroad or at home. I am for 
 keeping at home, at least, a portion of the servile ^pecus, and 
 
MODERN CHIVALRY, 129 
 
 sending real cattle to the public bodies. One advantage far 
 ther; there would be no Canibalism in the blockheads of the 
 human shape that are sent with them, knocking down a mem. 
 ber bullock at the end of the session ; nor would there be an 
 inconvenience in riding a colleague horse home. 
 
 Sir, said an adversary, your object seems to be to burlesque 
 a representative government. 
 
 I deny it, said the advocate ; it is to burlesque the abuses of 
 elections, and of the elective franchise. If people go to em 
 ploy a mechanic or manufacturer of any sort, they look out 
 for a capable person ; one skilled in the art, or occupation, 
 and with science and experience requisite for the thing to be 
 made, or the object to be accomplished. But to manage the 
 affairs of a nation, nothing more is sought than simply the 
 being of a party ; or the being capable of being made so by 
 some master of the drama at home in a village or district. It 
 is never enquired whether he has two legs or four, provided 
 he answers the purpose of a junto in a neighborhood. Hence 
 What? 
 . : / " Words that breathe, and thoughts that burn." 
 
 No ; stupidity or local selfishness ; and words in order to 
 hide in the rubbish, the want of ideas. 
 
 If that is the case, said the adversary, and you do not mean 
 to advocate the giving beasts suffrages, or sending them as 
 representatives, I have no quarrel with you. What these peo 
 ple will do, into whose heads ib has been put, is more than 
 I can tell. It is said to be an easy thing to raise the de 
 vil ; but to lay him, requires all the art of the free-mason, with 
 the wand, circle, and a black cat. 
 
 I do not think it would do any great harm, if it was tried, 
 said the advocate. The truth is, I am so much dissatisfied 
 with this mischief, in sending incompetent persons to repre 
 sent us in legislative bodies, talking a long time and say 
 ing nothing, or worse than nothing, that I must either laugh 
 or cry ; and I think it is as well to laugh ; to be Demoeritus 
 rather than Heraclitus. But if there is any remedy for this 
 vol. 4, 11 
 
130 MODERN 
 
 evil, it must be ridicule ; and I ain willing to try my hand a 
 little at it. If a cow or a horse was chosen, people would be- 
 gin to think ; by pushing the thing to an extremity, the con 
 trast is better seen. If a dumb beast should obtain a majori 
 ty of suffrages, it would be asked why he did not obtain such 
 a seat ; and it would be answered because he was dumb; and 
 in that case could not be a long-speaking member. 
 
 But is there no remedy for these things upon principle, 
 said the adversary ? I know of none, said the advocate, un 
 less the having fewer members, might curtail a little, there 
 not being so many to take up time; or else the putting muzzles, 
 on them like young calves ; but that would keep them from 
 eating as well as speaking. Ridicule, by sending a young 
 bull to the house, because he would hold his tongue, except 
 bellowing a little, will, I take It, be found the ultimate reme 
 dy. A very few members, were they so disposed, would take 
 as much time as the greater number, unless they were so very 
 few that they could not relieve each other when out of breath. 
 Loquacity is the fashion of the day ; and I wish to bring taci 
 turnity back again, which has been out of date almost since 
 the school of Pythagoras. I will have at least a reasonable 
 proportion of dumb creatures put up at our elections, and sent 
 to the representative bodies. 
 
 This was a dialogue, aside, between the advocate for the 
 eligibility of beasts, and the individual who opposed it; it had 
 little effect, one way or the other, not being in the presence 
 of the multitude.* 
 
 * The abuse of long speeches has been remedied 'in Congress, 
 by what is called the hour rule. 
 
 CHAPTER XXIII. 
 
 Which treats of the training of Orators in the Republic. 
 
 WERE it imposed upon me as a task, by some republic, to 
 educate a number of young persona to be orators, in order to 
 
MODERN CHIVALRY. 13SL 
 
 introduce a good taste for public speaking, I would begin with 
 the understanding. What? not with the heart, it will be 
 said. I take that to be the same thing. For I know no dif 
 ference between good sense, and virtue, except that the one 
 is the judgment of what is virtuous, and the other the prac 
 tice. I take a knave and a fool to have only this difference, 
 that a fool is a knave in his transactions without meaning to 
 be so ; the other intends it. Or, if this way of putting the ar 
 gument will not be understood, I say that every man who 
 knowing the right, intends the wrong, is not wise ; that is, a 
 fool. Above all things, give me a good judgment as the foun 
 dation of morals : and the communicating of knowledge is 
 strengthening the judgment. 
 
 I admit that there is such a thing as being of a bad stock ; 
 and the moral qualities are as communicable as the physical 
 constitution, or the features. Hence it is that I would look to 
 the stock in the selection of subjects ; but still more to the phy 
 siognomy of the youth himself. For I think it possible that 
 Curran, who cannot but have a good heart, yet may be of a 
 germ from one of the worst stocks that ever trod the bogs ; for 
 there are anomalies in nature, which set all observation and 
 experience at defiance. I cannot think but that he must have 
 a good heart ; because it is impossible for a heart to be warm 
 that has not a love of virtue. His eloquence is to me prima 
 fade proof, at least, that he is benevolent. 
 
 But pursuing my observations on the main point, I say, to 
 form an orator I would cultivate the understanding. What 
 is eloquence, but good sense expressed ? The vox, et prceterea 
 nihil; voice without sense, is provoking. I grant that sound 
 may do a great deal ; but it is as but the rushing wind. The 
 effect of but a persuasive speech is like the moving force of 
 waters. The tide rises without noise ; but the effect is irre 
 sistible. 
 
 By the precepts of one whose experience has enabled him 
 to judge of these things, a bad habit may be prevented or cor 
 rected. But it is the application only that can confirm ths 
 
MODERN CHIVALRY. 
 
 precepts. Hence it is that there is no forming an orator, but 
 when the attaining some object by the speaker elicits his pow 
 ers. A man that has his life at stake, and what is next to 
 this, has his daily bread to get by his mouth, will not miss 
 the thought, the word, the pathos, to accomplish his purpose. 
 Hence it is that the bar is the only school in our government 
 for real eloquence. In the deliberate assemblies, the speak 
 er is thinking of his constituents, and is a slave sent forward 
 to serve a party founded at home. I would sooner drag a 
 eart than be a representative on such conditions. Hence it 
 is that a man of talents has no prospect in a public body, bufc 
 to make himself unpopular ; unless on some occasion when 
 the people are alarmed for themselves, and party intrigue is 
 put down by the danger of the occasion. It is thus in a storm, 
 or other perils in life, abilities are in request, and abilities 
 alone are looked to, or called upon. At other times they are 
 the objects of envy, and combination to bring down. Hence 
 the disposition to bring forward men of secondary or inferior 
 talents, and the jealousy of real talent, and superior abilities. 
 When such an one now and then breaks through these bar 
 riers, there is no end to the extravagance of the praise bestow 
 ed on him. 
 
 Application to any science, and the acquisition of knowl 
 edge in general, is a drudgery in the first stages ; and hence 
 it is natural for the youth to excuse himself; and to hopo 
 that by the more easy exertion of his lungs, and the blowing 
 of his mouth, he can supply the defect of thought. It is vex 
 atious to the person who has labored to acquire knowledge, 
 and has been led to depend upon the effect of solid reasoning, 
 to find that blustering will go so far as it does ; but it ought 
 to be his consolation, and he will literally find it the fact, that 
 of solid talents, it may be said, as it is said of truth, great is 
 the force thereof, and it will prevail. 
 
 Magna est veritas, et prevalebit. 
 
 For solidity in mental talent is truth ; and the appearance of 
 intellect where it is not, is falsehood* 
 
MODERN CHIVALRY. 133 
 
 "One of the best things that I ever heard by a lawyer to e* 
 case himself to his client for having misled him in defending 
 or bringing a suit, and I forget which, where he ought not 
 was on the honest man saying, did you not tell me I had the 
 law on my side I 1 And did I not tell the court so too? said the 
 lawyer. Did you? said the client. Yes. The man could say 
 no more. It would have been unreasonable ; especially as the 
 advocate had made as much noise as any one could reasona* 
 bly expect in asserting his conceptions. But had he been 
 informed properly in his profession, his embarrassment might 
 not have occurred nor his presence of mind rendered it neces" 
 sary ; which, as it is what one cannot always command, it 
 may be well to bo without the necessity of it. Not that I 
 mean to say, that any powers of intellect can anticipate what 
 may be the way of thinking of a court and jury. There is 
 such a thing as a bystander thinking differently from both. 
 But that in general the public judgment, both as to merits of 
 the cause, and the ability of those who manage or dispose, 
 goes according to the truth. This is a -consolation to the in 
 dustrious and the diligent student ; who places his dependance 
 on solid, not on showy qualifications. 
 
 At the same time, the garnishing is not to be neglected* 
 The voice is capable of formation in point of sweetness, as 
 well as force. In point of sweetness, by diligent attention, 
 and lending the ear to those who speak musically ; in point 
 of force, by exercise alone. It is as necessary to observe the 
 key, at which to begin to speak, as for a musician in singing; 
 BO that he may retain the command of his voice under every 
 passion to be expressed. It is to be observed that reading 
 well is a different talent from speaking ; and does not alto 
 gether depend upon equal cultivation. I leave this to be ac 
 counted for ; I only repeat the fact. 
 
 Action is the last ^ the ancients thought it the first advan 
 tage of a speaker. That can be true only of the oratory prop 
 er for a popular assembly. That must be extremely guarded 
 and chastened, that is used at the bar. For the least guspi- 
 voU 4 11* 
 
134 MODERN CHIVALRY. 
 
 cion in the minds of a jury, that the passions are attempted, 
 will excite distrust of even a good argument, and injure it. 
 At the same time, while human nature is susceptible of the 
 impressiens of grace and dignity, the manner of an orator 
 must hare a great effect. Hence it is that I recommend even 
 attention to dress ; not so much in the cloth, as in the fullness 
 and flowing of the vestment, which appears to make the ora 
 tor loom more. 
 
 I have an impression of having treated upon these particu 
 lars in the preceding pages, and that I may seem to repeat. 
 But if any one finds fault, I charge him home with an expres 
 sion of scripture, "line upon line, precept upon precept, here 
 a little and there a little. 5 ' It may be said that some of my 
 lines, and precepts, and littles, may be pretty good ; but that 
 there is a great deal of trash. That this may be the case, I 
 have acknowledged heretofore. But would the more valuable 
 be read without the less ? I applied to a hatter the other day 
 to make me a hat ; a-nd requested him to make me one entire 
 ly of beaver, and not to mix racoon. The truth is, I thought he 
 would charge me as much fortherorurn as for the beaver, and 
 therefore I might as well have the best. But he informed mo 
 that a little racoon mixed with the beaver would make a bet 
 ter hat than one all beaver. It may be so with my book, 
 which is calculated for all capacities ; and a mixture of ima 
 ges drawn from high and low life, with painting serious and 
 ludicrous, may conduce to the being more read ; and lasting 
 longer in the world. Or should it not be read, and that object 
 fail, it is amusing to one's self to indulge variety ; to discumb 
 and to rise. 
 
 CHAPTEK XXIV. 
 
 Party Disputes Perfectibility of Man and Beast The Gover 
 nor is requested to appoint a Quadruped to office The Vi 
 sionary Philosopher. 
 
 THE altercations which took plaee, were almost general 
 
MODERN CHIVALRY. 135 
 
 with all ranks of the community, for the perfectibility of man 
 and beast. And some taking the side of the men, and others 
 of the beasts, dwelt pretty much at large in their harrangues, 
 upon the want of talent, in the bulk of the community, to ex 
 ecute offices, or discharge trusts ; so with others, whose argu 
 ment was the indiscriminate capacity of all persons, it was 
 contended that there was no man so destitute of natural pow 
 ers as not to be fit for an office. Nay, what is more, that even 
 less than what men in general possess, might suffice. As it is 
 the nature of all contraries to run to opposite extremes, so ife 
 was even at length carried so far that some undertook to sup 
 port an opinion, that^even that degree of mother wit which 
 some beasts possess, might suffice. In the heat of debate, in 
 the warmth of argument, it was insisted on that the experiment 
 ought to be made. Why did not the Governor appoint some 
 quadruped to office, and see the result? Was there ever any 
 thing ascertained in matters of science, but from experience ? 
 Experience was the test of government. We did hear of apes 
 and swine being in office. This was meant as abuse ; and 
 might be the cause why a prejudice had been entertained in 
 making these actually, and tona fide officers of government, 
 or members of the Legislature. 
 
 It contributed much to give currency to this way of think 
 ing, that about this time there came a visionary man from the 
 seat of the general government, who was called the visionary 
 philosopher ; and well indeed he might be so called ; for he 
 had adopted the opinion of the practicability of the civilizing 
 beasts and making them members of the community. It waa 
 with a view to reduce this system to practice, that he had 
 made an excursion to the new country, conceiving that pre 
 judice in favor of the old system, would be less likely to exist 
 there. He laid it down that human society from the earliest 
 time, had been organized on wrong principles ; that nothing 
 was right in it, that it must all be taken to pieces and built 
 up anew from the very foundation, out of the same materials 
 Nothing was more clearly erroneous, according to him, than 
 
136 M6DEN CHIVALY. 
 
 the notion that what we call brute beasts, were incapable 
 of forming a part of rational communities. Indeed he hinted 
 very intelligibly, that if he had had the creation of the world, 
 he would have made a very different affair of it. 
 
 He had been several months broaching the matter amongst 
 the common people, which is always the way with innovators, 
 before he thought proper to wait upon the Governor, and to 
 impart the discovery. This he had at length done. The 
 Governor, as we have seen, was a man of that mildness of 
 character that he did not decline a conversation on the sub 
 ject, though he thought it extremely absurd. But affecting 
 to listen to his reasonings, he answered him at length with 
 some abruptness, but in a tone of voice softened as much as 
 the nature of the reply would admit. 
 
 It is a wild project, said he, but I see it must be tried. The 
 people will have their way, and restraint will but dam up the 
 current and produce a flood that will produce an inundation 
 and carry all before it. 
 
 The people had been naturally led from the idea of property 
 giving the right of suffrage, to that of the property itself ex 
 ercising this right ; and herds and flocks, persona propria, 
 coming forward viva voce, or with a ticket; and this by an 
 association of ideas, introduced that of being capable of being 
 elected. But it did not occur to them until suggested that 
 the representative is chosen, or in contemplation of the con 
 stitution, supposed to be chosen for his superior knowledge 
 and information over that of the constituent. At least it 
 ought to be a principle upon which the selection is founded. 
 And in the original of the English constitution, we find the 
 representatives were called the wittena gemote, or the assembly 
 of the wise men, Nor when it was suggested, did it stick 
 much with them. Nevertheless, they thought it not amiss 
 to give the beasts some education ; provided their nature was 
 improvable, which, from what was heard of the learned pig, 
 could not longer remain doubtful. This being the case, it 
 might be tried how far a four footed creature could be taught 
 
MODERN CHIVALRY. 137 
 
 the arts and sciences, or instructed in the principles or mor 
 ality, or the rules of good breeding ; not to go so far as to 
 constitute colleges, and academies for their use ; but common 
 reading or writing, or, perhaps arithmetic as far as the r*ule 
 of three. 
 
 There are philosophers who assert, with'great^ plausibility 
 that the highest powers of reasoning, are but a gradation 
 from vegetable life. If so, it must be a greater start from the 
 tendril of a vine to a vermicular substance, than from a creep 
 ing thing to that which walks on all fours. From thence to 
 the human species, is a leap not more extraordinary. That 
 man may have been once an oyster, was the opinion of 
 Darwin ; but that he might have been at least a marmoset, 
 was the opinion of the visionary philosopher. He was 
 sanguine in the .undertaking to instruct and civilize the brutes. 
 Nay to fit them for offices, and the discharge of trusts in the 
 community. He had caught a young panther, and, with a 
 chain about its neck, had put it to study law with a young 
 man of that profession, who wishing to get forward in busi 
 ness, thought it would do him no harm, though it might not da 
 the panther much good. 
 
 There were those who bore testimony against this, being of 
 opinion that lawyers were bad enough, even when made of the 
 best materials. They were supported in this opinion by some 
 reflecting persoss.' wlio could not conceive that this animal 
 could ever be made capable of explaining a matter to a jury ; 
 or stating a point of law to the court. What is it, said the 
 philosopher, whether he may ever be able to explain himself 
 intelligibly at the bar. Cannot he grin, bite, squeal, and 
 shake his tail ? Is it with sense, that a jury, or a court, are 
 always moved most ? I wish to prove that reason goes but a 
 little way to make learned counsel. The main matter is to 
 satisfy the client ; who will be oftentimes better pleased to 
 lose his cause in the hands of one that will make a noise, than 
 to gain it by him who says little. At least he will have less 
 scruple in paying him. For he will not saj, you had not 
 
138 MODERN CHIVALRY. 
 
 much trouble ; you said but a word or two ; not considering 
 that a rifle shot, is more certain and deadly than any quantum 
 of sound from a blunderbuss. 
 
 An ecclesiastic was at hand, who had an antipathy to vo- 
 ciferators, being himself a man of weak voice ; he took this 
 opportunity to express himself against declaimers. It is true, 
 said he, the sound of rams horns blew down the walls of 
 Jericho ; hut that was a most extraordinary blast. 
 
 And not to be drawn into precedent, said a lawyer who 
 was by. 
 
 It was an extraordinary blast, continued the ecclesiastic. 
 
 But the human voice is stronger than any wind, said the 
 philosopher. No wind blowing will shock an army like that 
 of the shout of a main body about to engage, though since the 
 invention of gun powder, it is not so common as in ancient 
 times, among the Greeks whose electric shout, the shout of 
 freemen, struck terror into the hearts of the slaves of despots. 
 
 CHAPTER XXV. 
 
 The visionary philosopher, persists in his attempts, to convert 
 beasts into rational beings. 
 
 ALTHOUGH the governor's opinion seemed to be against him, 
 yet the visionary philosopher still persisted in his idea that 
 the brutal nature was capable of cultivation, if not in moral 
 qualities, yet so far as respected the acumen ingenii or the 
 powers of the understanding. He had before this time turned 
 his attention to the instituting an academy, where he had a 
 number of animals, of different species, and amongst them 
 some squirrels which he had put to study algebra. 
 
 Harum Scarum thought he had better have begun with 
 music, and taught them to play the fiddle, as some had al 
 ready the motion of the bow, from the instinct of scratching. 
 
 No jibe or jeer could move the visionary man from his pur- 
 
MODERN CHIVALRY, 130 
 
 pose. He argued that it had been the case with all experi 
 ments, that the bulk of mankind were incredulous to the first 
 essays. And hence it was that in medicine, quacks had led 
 ilie way*jin all improvements. In the profession of the law, 
 precedent had enslaved. In mathematics, Erra Pater, that 
 wrote the book of knowledge, was thought a visionary man, 
 though, since his time, greater credit has been attached to 
 the casting nativities. The diving bell was an invention of 
 Sir William Phipps of New England, and no one had faith in 
 the success of it until he actually explored the galleon at the 
 Bahama Islands, and showed the treasure he had got from it. 
 Paracelsus died with the secret in his mouth, of the elixir 
 of longevity, owing to which accident, it is perhaps that men 
 do not live now to the age of a thousand years, although there 
 are some who very foolishly will have it, that the elixir was 
 nothing more then Alcohol, or aqua vitas, whose effect is to 
 shorten life instead of making it longer. Parrots, jays and 
 blackbirds have been taught to speak : and why not sqirrels 
 and raccoons? 
 
 With these reasonings in his head, he was busy instructing 
 certain quadrupeds in their gesticulations and grimaces, that 
 had the appearance occasionally of disputants. The chatter 
 ing which some of them exhibited, sounded not a great deal 
 unlike, 
 
 Bocarbo, cesaiio, ferio, baralipton, 
 terms which logicians use. 
 
 A number of horned cattle in an enclosure, he was engaged 
 in disposing to take the floor in turns like members of a legis 
 lative body. He had employed a stenographer to take down 
 their speeches in short hand. With these he could use the 
 same liberty that he had been used to take, with members of 
 the human species, which was to make the speeches ; or at 
 least to new modal them in such a way, as to be a caricature, 
 or an improvement. 
 
 Stenographer, said the Governor, for he had the curiosity 
 to visit this menagerie, when you make a speech for a bear, as 
 
140 MODERN CHIVALRY. 
 
 for instance for that Bruiu which I see chained, you will be 
 careful to make it rough, surly and congruent to nature. The 
 lowing of the cow, and the roaring of the bull, must be trans 
 lated into loud sounds, very different from the mewing of the 
 eat, or the squealing of the pig. 
 
 By all means, said he every thing in character. 
 
 Now, said the Governor, with respect to a legislature of 
 beasts, it will not be thought a matter of ridicule, to para 
 phrase what is said as spoken by a buffalo ; or to insinuate 
 the insignificance of a member by calling him a sheep or an 
 ass ; or to designate his cleverness in a debate by saying he 
 is a horse ; for in this case all things will be without figure 
 and the truth. 
 
 However, the people thought the man deranged ; and it 
 would seem to nte not without reason ; especially when he 
 had incurred considerable expense, in purchasing up subjects 
 of tuition. He had trappers in the woods ; and horse jockeys 
 employed to pick up lively colts that might seem to be of parts, 
 and scarcely a drover passed through the settlement, with 
 black cattle or swine, but he was bartering for a calf, or a 
 sheep. 
 
 Application had been made to a magistrate for an order to 
 confine him. On a habeas corpus, he was brought before the 
 chief justice, and made his defence. 
 
 Chief justice, said he, though you are blind, in a certain 
 meaning of the term, yet I flatter myself you can see pretty 
 plainly into this matter. It does not follow that because a 
 man is deficient in one sense, he is destitute of another, or 
 rather one organ only may have any defect, while all the 
 rest are in the highest degree perfect, so as to supply the de. 
 ficiency of those which are diseased, or wanting. It is well 
 known by observers of human nature, that where one sense 
 is denied, the remaining become stronger. Even where an 
 arm or a limb is lost, of t'ae human body, the arm or the limb 
 which remains acquires an increase of power, as if to supply 
 the want. Would Tiresias have ever passed for a prophet, if 
 
MODERN CHIVALRY. 141 
 
 he had not wantad outward sight ? Or would Meonidas have 
 written rhapsodies, or Milton his divine poem ? 
 
 " So much the rather, them celestial light, 
 Shine inward, and the mind through all her powers 
 Irradiate ! There plant eyes ! All mist fro en thence, 
 Purge and disperse ! " 
 
 Not that 1 suppose that a man has equal advantage in des 
 cribing an object who has never seen it, but takes his impres 
 sions from the description of others, For it must be rare, if 
 a thing at all in nature, that a man can be a poet who is born 
 blind ; but having lived to a considerable age with his eye* 
 sight, and received all the images of things upon his mind, 
 from the originals themselves, it may be possible for him ; 
 nay it may be with advantage over others, that he can recol 
 lect these, and become more faaiiliar with them in a reflex 
 view, than if he was disturbed with the images themselves 
 renewed^ from without. Certain it is that a man can fhink 
 more deeply and closely with his eyes shut, then if he opened 
 them on surrounding objects. Darkness and'silence arefi^or- 
 able to contemplation. 
 
 Philosopher, said the chief justice, you do not seem to fce a 
 plain man in regard to thinking closely. You wander from 
 the point. You are to be informed that you have been faken 
 into the keeping of the law, not as a bad man, but as one 
 standing in need of a protector, conceiving you undfl^ the 
 calamity of being a little deranged in your nervous system, 
 from a fever possibly, or some cause which constitutes a 
 malady, not a crime. The inquiry is whether you are in your 
 right mind ; a suspicion to the contrary of which is excited 
 by your congregating cattle and wild beasts, in order, as yeu 
 say, to civilize them, and make them members of society. 
 
 Experiments of this kind have, with great difficulty, suc 
 ceeded with the savages. ^And indeed, where they have suc 
 ceeded, it has been chiefly to the southward, where the system 
 is more relaxed, and the temper mild. It appears ma&r.ess 
 vol. 4, 12 
 
142 
 
 MODERN CHIVALRY. 
 
 in the abstract, to talk of humanizing brutes, that are behind 
 savages, and at a great interval. 
 
 That I deny, said the philosopher. 
 
 " Haud magno intervallo", said the Latin schoolmaster. 
 
 I say that many of the human species are not before the 
 brutal. 
 
 " Man differs more from man than man from beast." 
 These things are figuratively spoken, said the chief justice. 
 In poetry or prose, the meaning is no more than that a portion 
 of our species have so tar degraded themselves by obedience 
 to the sensual appetite, especially in swilling intoxicating 
 drinks, and in gormandizing, thatjlike beasts they lose the face 
 erect to heaven, and are constantly looking down upon their 
 tables, without mental enjoyment; or, that from a neglect of 
 the cultivation of moral reason, they may seem to want but 
 the horn or the hoof, to be like the cattle that graze the com 
 mons. This is no more than the sentiment of Plato, which, 
 with the expresssion in which it is clothed, is given by Lon- 
 ginus, as an example of the sublime. 
 
 I am not just so far lost to reason, said the philosopher, as 
 to take figures for realities. I know that a figure is but a 
 ehort simile, or faole, hit off in few words ; and the orators or 
 satyrists, among the poets or philosophers, in their moral 
 essays, by their burstings and castings, mean no more than 
 to dissect insignificance or degradation or sensual indulgence. 
 It is not their intention to communicate the idea that men 
 actually become quadrupeds, though I have seen some not far 
 from it. But still this does not affect the question, how far 
 the nature of beasts may be improvable. But admitting the 
 absurdity of the attempt, and that it carries with it a pre 
 sumption of derangement of the brain, is the insanity preju 
 dicial to the community? It can be but time thrown away 
 which, supposing me a man beside myself, cannot be of great 
 value. I purchase all my stock that I employ my cams upon, 
 with the exception of a few that have been bestowed to me. 
 
MODERN CHIVALRY. 143 
 
 I had a present made me of an elk from the mountains. This 
 I am forming for an ambassador, for which if he does not turn 
 out fit, he can be disposed of to a museum. Why should it be 
 thought impossible to instruct the four-footed creatures, and 
 render them capable of suffrage, if not of office ? Why should 
 it be thought more improbable than the schemes of Godwin, 
 and other philosophers of the present day, who talk of the 
 perfectibility of man that is of raising him up to a level with 
 the angels, by a course of education or training ? I have a 
 great deal of trouble with them in my school, it is true, for 
 they are apt to play truant. A young fox broke off the other 
 day, and I have not been able to recover him. 
 
 The discipline which I find it necessary to enforce is not 
 the mildest. I use a pretty rude ferrule ; and I have occa 
 sion to exert authority, to quicken parts and application. 
 
 If I succeed, in bringing these sans culottes to be good cit 
 izens, I shall have deserved well of the republic ; and if I 
 should fail, no one's labour is lost but my own. Experiments 
 in every other way are indulged ; and even patents granted, 
 where the invention has but the appearance of succeeding. 
 Why may I not be allowed to turn- my attention to the mak 
 ing a justice of the peace out of an elk, or a judge out of a 
 buffalo, if the thing is possible ? Especially, as instead of 
 making a demand for my production, if I should be so fortu 
 nate as to be able to furnish these out of my manufactory, it 
 will cost the state nothing for the education, and as to the 
 officers themselves, the forage will be less expensive ; in some 
 cases a few tufts, in others a little grain will suffice. If a horse- 
 judge is invited to dine, a peck of oats, of grass or corn, and 
 a bundle of hay in the stable, and truss of straw to litter him at 
 night, will be all that will be wanted.* This will be a great 
 saving to poor rogues that may wish to have^it said that a judge 
 
 * The author rarely looses an opportunity of showing his dis 
 approbation of the practice of inviting the judges to entertainments 
 often by rich suitors. 
 
144 MODERN CHIVALRY. 
 
 dined with them ; not that they care for the judge, but that 
 people may think they have the law on their side. I say that 
 hospitality in this way, will be hss expensive, and economy, 
 if not a moral, is at least apolitical vtrtue. 
 
 But independent of these contingent advantages, and barely 
 possible, if you please, advantages, the money circulated in 
 the settlement by this instruction, or a college of any kind 
 which cannot but bring money, must increase the value of 
 property. 
 
 This last argument was popular, and struck the crowd de 
 cirtiumstantibus. Several counsel present as friends of the 
 court, put in a word, catching at popularity, and gave their 
 opinions that they knew of no statute in the case ; and that, 
 by the common law, every man had a right to traffic in such 
 purchases ; and that no enquiry could reasonably be made, 
 when a man bought a pig, whether I meant to make a scholar 
 of him, or abarbacue * 
 
 These arguments prevailing, the prisoner was enlarged. 
 
 *In |his satire against the perfectibility of man, and beast, the 
 author, is not to be supposed to be an enemy to progress, and im 
 provement in both. He only condemns the visionary, and hopeless 
 attempt, to attain at once, to this perfection, in defiance of the laws 
 of nature and all rational probability. He did not pretend to set a 
 limit to improvement, or discourage every well directed effort to 
 that end lie merely desired to see it determined by the process of 
 practical experience, without assuming a priori, that beasts could 
 be made rational like men, and men immortal as gods. No one 
 can fix an exact limit to the power of man over nature, or say Urns 
 farmayest thou go, and no further while on the other hand, it 
 would be presumptuous to say, that his power is icithout limit alto- 
 get/ier. 
 
 CHAPTER XXVI. 
 
 The author considers the difference between the brutal and 
 human nature. The difference is in kind, and not in degree. 
 
 IT is a melancholy consideration how nearly the brutal 
 
MODfifiN CHIVALRY. 145 
 
 nature borders on the human; because it leads to a reflection 
 that the difference may not be in kind but in degree. But on 
 the most diligent consideration that I have been able to give 
 the subject, it would seem to me, that no reasonable doubt 
 can exist of there being a distinction in kind. The brutal 
 creation is not improvable beyond a certain limit; and that 
 limit is reached at an early period, by what is called instinct. 
 The mind of a beast grows up to its size as naturally as its 
 body. And though the capacity of a man of a very heavy 
 nature may seem not a great deal beyond that of a sagacious 
 quadruped of some species ; yet is capable of continual en 
 largement ; and, at the latest years of his life, until perfect 
 superanuation, is susceptible of new impressions. If the 
 strength of judgment in comparing objects, cannot be im 
 proved ; yet the sphere of thinking can be extended. His 
 ideas can be infinitely increased. What carries with it the 
 appearance of virtue, in a faithful quadruped, does not seem 
 to be the result of any reflex sentiment of duty and obligation 
 but is more uniform and certain than human affection, which 
 is a proof of something inseparable from its nature. It is the 
 instinct of the bee which enables it to construct its mathemat 
 ical cell, and it is no more reason, than operation of inani 
 mate nature whether she forms a sis-sided crystal, or a four- 
 sided, or triangular one. 
 
 Except certain noiees, peculiar to their natures, and of 
 which all of the species are possessed, as soon as they receive 
 existence, and which is an untaught language, we have no 
 evidence of ideas in their minds annexed to sounds. Much 
 less is there a capacity of a variation of articulation to any 
 extent, worth mentioning. A traveler of good sense, who 
 has seen the Cafrarian ; or whatever other species, under the 
 denomination of the creature man, at the lowest grade, would 
 not despair if it was imposed on him as a condition to reserve 
 himself from slavery or death, that he must take a young 
 person from amongst that people, and teach it any language, 
 or science, or abstract principle of knowledge; but if it was 
 vol. 4, 12* 
 
146 MODERN JHIVALKV* 
 
 made the condition that he should take the seemingly most 
 intelligent of the quadrupeds of the countries he has visited, 
 and teach any thing like what is called a rational acquisition, 
 he would say the attempt is not worth making ; it is impossi 
 ble. The seven wise masters or mistresses of Greece allud 
 ing to a popular book under thattitle the philosophers of an 
 tiquity, or modern times, employed for an indefinite space, 
 would never teach him more in reality than he possessed in 
 the woods from whence he came. He might be taught, by as 
 sociation, to connect certain movements of the body with 
 those shown him ; and by imitation led to make them, under 
 tear of a whip, but that is all. It is humiliating to think that 
 brutes of whose past-existence we have no hope, have even so 
 near an approach to our nature. But it is consolatory that 
 therS seems to be something like demonstration that they are 
 so far behind ; that it is not in degree of intellect, but in kind 
 that they differ ; and that difference is so immense, that it is 
 not unreasonable to entertain the idea of a totally different 
 destination. This ig reasoning from the laws of nature as to 
 destination of the human mind, and upon which the philoso. 
 pher must dwell with pleasure, as aiding what those who be 
 lieve in revelation adduce as the grounds of their faith. For 
 there can be no philosopher, who, whatever doubts he may 
 have of religion, can be without a wish that it may be true. 
 What is it more than being certain of what, even supposing 
 it a*t to be revealed, yet the imagination of a man would con 
 trive for himself as painting his glory, and his happiness ? 
 What is that which we call revelation, but a system of ideas 
 representing a prospect ennobling to our natures, and which, 
 not repealed, must at least be the conception of great and 
 good minds intent on what would constitute the grandeur and 
 felie&y of the creature man ? He that assails this belief does 
 a great injury, and no good. I do not refer to the creeds, or 
 modes of faith, which separate the different sects, often ruled 
 by lean majorities. The immortality of the the soul cannot 
 be a mere illusion, for it is a universal and natural instinct^ 
 and revelation. 
 
MODERN CHIVALRY. 147 
 
 We have no means of getting at the exercise of the mind of 
 a beast ; so that we cannot say what may be the limit of their 
 cogitations. But no one observing them has ever been able 
 to trace any thing like an idea of what they have been; or a 
 fear of what they may be. No uneasiness of mind seems to 
 hang upon them from this source. Yet this anxiety is given 
 so strong to our nature that it is the constant subject of our 
 thought? : our reasonings concerning it are infinite ; our serial 
 castles which we build, even where they are the mere effect 
 of imagination, are without end. We people all nature with 
 beings for ourselves, even where we are not. What might 
 have been Theogoniea anterior to the time ofMoses, in Egypt 
 and other parts of Africa, we cannot ascertain : but from the 
 history of the Jews, we have considerable information relative 
 to that of Syria ; at least of Palestine, the part of Syria, more 
 immediately adjoining. 
 
 The heathen mythology, particularly so denominated, pre 
 sents an immense scope ; and which, with the poets, is yet 
 preserved. It is a part of a learned, or even of a polite educa 
 tion, to be made acquainted with this system in order to under" 
 stand the allusion of the fine writers, ancient and modern ? 
 What an immense exercise, and employment of the human 
 mind must it not have been to build up such a system. How 
 ever false we may suppose this peopling with celestial pow 
 ers, or earthly divinities, it cannot but be consolatory to 
 reflect that it makes a boundary or barrier at all times distinct 
 between the human mind, however in darkness, and that of 
 what we consider the mere animal creation. 
 
 We have but partial and obsoiirc information of the systems 
 of other nations, contemporary with the Greeks and Romans. 
 But we see in what we have of these, the like evidence of 
 activitv, pressing beyond the bounds of what we see before 
 our eyes, and fashioning to our minds images of existence. 
 The nature of these, is usually a proof of the duration and 
 refinement of a people. 
 
 Where the imagination was limited by the doctrines of 
 
148 MODERN CHIVALRY. 
 
 revelation under the Mosaic, or Christian dispensation ; as to 
 the unity of the Deity, and ministers of good or evil to man 
 how unlimited have been the excursions of the fancy, and the 
 subtleties of the intellect, in the subdivisions of credence 1 
 The Talmud and the Targum of the Jews present us an im 
 mense field. The polemic divinity of the Christian schools, is 
 more within our knowledge ; taught in some section of the 
 church, to the catechumeni, or propounded, in the pulpits. 
 These disquisitions show the wonderfully metaphysical na 
 ture of the human mind whilst no connected chain cf rea 
 soning, no reasoning about cause and effect, is perceptible in 
 the brute, at least beyond one or two links of the chain, and 
 only the result or operation of habit. Instinct is plainly dis 
 tinguishable from reason there is an instinct even in plants, 
 as well as in the lowest order of animals, and more sure than 
 reason. 
 
 On the contrary, there seema to be no trace of hope or fear, 
 with regard to futurity, in the mind of a brute. I have ob 
 served with great attention, and I could never discover any 
 symptom, in the smallest degree, of that horror which is felt 
 by man at the view of a dead body- the abstract idea of- 
 death the horror of ceasing to exist. The revulsion of mind 
 which is felt at being in the dark, especially with a dead body 
 seems not in the most distant degree, participated with any 
 of the hairy or feathered tribes, neither in respect of dead 
 creatures of their own species, nor of the human. No shy. 
 ness of a church yard, has ever been remarked. Tales of 
 apparitions, are told in hearing of domesticated animals, 
 without the least symptom of that fear of being left alone 
 which afflict families where there are nurses, whose memories 
 are stored with relations of this nature. Memoirs of the 
 Fairy kingdom, have no effect upon a dog, or a cat. 
 
 But where is the heaviest of the creature called human, that 
 is not affected nay, perhaps, liable to be affected the most? 
 There would, therefore, even from this small ground of argu 
 ment, independently of revelation, be reason to infer that 
 
MODERN CHIVLARY. 149 
 
 whatever may be said, in figures of speech, or however really 
 man may degrade himself, by denying to himself an immortal 
 soul, yet, in the scale of being the lowest is by an infinite 
 distance in his nature, above a beast* 
 
 That gregarious animals are susceptible of a kind of civil 
 government, is certain. But their regulations seem to be a 
 law of their nature ; at all times the same : without changes 
 in any country, or at any period. \8 to the philosopher, I 
 have dwelt long enough upon his reverie, which I thought 
 might amuse young persons, and I omit what further occurred, 
 the contrivance of Harum Scarum, and Will Watlin, to con 
 firm him in his hypothesis. This was to dress themselves in 
 hair and bear skins, and to pass with him by running upon 
 all fours, for educated cubs that had been taught languages. 
 These were frolics of which the governor did not approve ; 
 for it is not becoming, to be amused at the expense of persons 
 deprived either of the gifts of reason, or of the goods of for 
 tune. It might not perhaps be blamable to be diverted at 
 the mistake of some weak people, who were imposed upon, 
 and became alarmed at the idea of their feeing candidates for 
 the legislature, at the next election, and sent forward to take 
 a seat. This was what the wags threatened in their disguise; 
 and when the caprice of suffrage was considered, who could 
 tell but that the apparent quadrupeds might make good what 
 they spoke. 
 
 * This very subject is j>ne, which, since the above was written, 
 has occupied the attention of philosophers, especially the German; 
 The Infidel and visionary school contends, that the difference is 
 in degree, and not in kind. 
 
 CHAPTER XXVII. 
 
 The author apologzies for the preceding chapters, on the subject 
 of beasts. 
 The preceding chapters may be considered extravagant, 
 
150 MODERN CHIVALRY. 
 
 and exceeding all probability. But ie it a new thing in the 
 history of government, that the right of suffrage should de 
 pend upon property? No man shall vote unless has has so 
 much, say some of the constituents. In this case is it he or 
 his property that votes ? If it cannot in cattle, can it be said 
 that cattle do not vote ? Ergo, a cow, or a horse, in some 
 communities have the privilege of a vote in the enacting laws. 
 If in some of them, who belong to hard hearted masters, knew 
 of this privilege, and could exercise it to the whole extent of 
 their wishes, they would stipulate with the candidate, for 
 milder treatment in the drudgery in which they are employed. 
 I have seen many a horse, that considering matters individu 
 ally, and apart from the nature, I have thought more respect 
 able than the owner ; and yet this horse most unmercifully 
 treated.* The only universally distinguishing criterion of 
 humanity, that I know is, the mild treatment of every crea 
 ture that has feeling, and is in our power. This ought to be 
 
 * The following, 1852, is one of the lates samples of that wild 
 extravagance which from time to time rages on the popular mind, 
 at least of a portion of the people. 
 
 " Some of the clergy in the eastern part of the county (Clarke) 
 say that they are inspired by the spirits, and that their sermons 
 delivered out of the pulpit are not their own, but that they are the 
 instruments through which the spirits operate upon the mass of 
 the people. We understand that these divines, or the spirits 
 through them, say that the Millenninum has commenced, and that 
 in less than five years the wicked are to be swept from the face of 
 the earth; and the righteous are to inherit it forever. It is reported 
 that one of the divines said, on Sunday last, while preaching to a 
 crowded house, that not more than a dozen of his audience would 
 ever pass through the shades of death. It is also said that the 
 spirits have informed the people, through the mediums, that the 
 old way of baptizing- is all wrong, and that they should use water 
 instead of wine for sacramental purposes ; and we are informed 
 that the people are following the directions to the letter ? A new 
 church has been organized, called the Church of Christ, and a 
 meeting is now being held, which commenced one week ago, and 
 is to continue until the spirits tell them to stop. We are told that 
 some are so infatuated with this new religion that they do not do 
 a single thing without first consulting the spirits. The excitement 
 in the neighborhood is great, and some of the best men in the 
 county are strong believers." 
 
MODERN CHIVALRY, 151 
 
 inculcated as a moral duty. But as to beasts in propria per 
 sona, voting, not just giving in a ticket for themselves, but 
 standing by, and neighing or grunting, or grinning ; it may 
 be thought too much yet. But why should it be thought 
 altogether out of the compass of possibility ? After what I 
 have seen and heard of minkind, I should not wonder at such 
 a thing taking place. It would be Utopean to look for per 
 fect equality in practice, as well as in law, as long as 
 some men are wiser, than others as long as there is depend 
 ence. We call ourselves rational beings ; and, yet alas 1 of 
 what absurdities is not the human mind capable? Who 
 would think it possible were it not a fact established by ten 
 thousand testimonies, that human sacrifice could ever have 
 been thought acceptable to the divinity ? It is easy to trace 
 the origin of the idea, and the policy of the sacrifice of cattle ; 
 because it facilitated to an order of men who did not labour, 
 the means of livelihood. It may be considered as still more 
 absurd, that a creature, supposed rational, as man, could be 
 so far irrational as to think that the punishment of himself 
 could be acceptable to divinity, unless taken in the light, the 
 present smart might help weak minds to refrain from the like 
 wrong they have done ; connecting the flagellation with the 
 memory of it. Hence it may be said, that it is not out of 
 nature, to ascribe any thing however absurd to the creature 
 man. 
 
 The line of the poet Pope applied to an individual, may be 
 parodied, and applied to the whole species. 
 
 " The greatest, basest, meanest of all kind." 
 
 If a chapter like this had been written in the course of the 
 revolution from the government of Britain, representing the 
 body of the people in some state, as reprobating the common 
 law, and calling out for its abrogation, would it not have been 
 thought extravagant, and intended as a burlesque upon the 
 republican institutions of the country? And yet we have 
 seen this actually pressed and not far from being carried. I fc 
 amounts to the same thing as having no law at all. For it is 
 
152 MODERN CHIVALRY. 
 
 experience that has made that law; dictated by the wants of 
 man sucessively brought to view.* And to begin again, we 
 must be in the situation of those who had no law ; and there 
 fore the proposition was to be without law; and to have law 
 only as a legislature, from occasion to occasion, could enact, 
 the case that first happened, could have no principle, that 
 could apply to it ; that must be provided for the second ; and 
 at the end of a thousand years, we might have such a body 
 of laws, as that which is proposed to be abolished, I say we 
 might have; but it would be a rare chance if we should. 
 How should a man be sensible of this, that had not traced 
 the history of that law, and examined the nature of it ? It 
 could not be expected from one who had confounded its per 
 versions with the law itself. If when the constitutions of 
 these states were formed, after much reflection of the ablest 
 judges, and the people had solemnly and deliberately adopted 
 them, it had been stated by any writer, that in the short per 
 iod, of perhaps not more than twenty years, innovators not 
 born in the country, or born late, and having no experience 
 of what had past, should assume the language of what they 
 call reform, to the extent they have done in some places, 
 would it be believed ? Nay, would it not have been rejected 
 as outraging all probability? But must there be no progress? 
 Certainly, there must although mere NOVELTY is not pro 
 gress. It may be retrogression. Progress, is taking a step 
 
 * No invention of the imagination can go beyond the reality, in 
 the extravagance we have occasionally witnessed in this country of 
 boundless and uncontroled freedom of opinion. Not to speak of 
 Agrarians, Fanny Wright people, Mormons, Millerites and others, 
 a party has actually sprung up, called non-resistants, who resist 
 all law and government, and declare themselves excluded from 
 the pale of civilization and society, but instead of betaking them 
 selves to some desert island, most preposterously enjoy the bene 
 fits of that protection offered by government and law ! The agpa- 
 rian, or equal division of property, is one of their principles. They 
 denounce as robbers and plunderers , all who hold separate property, 
 while others have no'hing 1 , and it matters riot whether this desti- 
 titution is occasioned by their vices, or folly, or misfortune. 
 
MODERN CHIVALRY. ^ 153 
 
 beyond the highest degree of present advancement, and losing 
 nothing that has been gained. There is no knowing to what 
 the love of novelty may bring the human mind. It is * 
 strange compound of the rational and irrational: and it is 
 only by turns that the rational predominates. " Thinkest 
 thou me a dog, that I can do these things ?" said Haziel. 
 Thinkest thou me a beast, may one say to me, that I could 
 advocate the suffrages of beasts, or of giving them the elective 
 franchise ? We know of one who made a senator of his horse, 
 and the same folly may make voters of beasts. Yes : human 
 nature, I do think you capable of being brought to such ab 
 surdity, or to any thing else you please to call it. It is true, 
 I do not see you at this moment offering up your children, or 
 your enemies, as sacrifices to please a divinity, which out- 
 Herods Herod, in all conceptions ; yet I hear doctrines pub 
 lished, and see them in books, which are still worse. For 
 their divinities, with the exception of Jeptha and his daugh 
 ter, were the false divinities of the heathen world ; and might 
 be supposed to delight in the miseries of mortals ; though 
 what good they could get by that, I cannot comprehend. 
 But in the doctrines I have in view, a good deity, and even 
 represented as good, by these unintential blasphemers of 
 the Deity without knowing it, is represented as having 
 created existences, the sum of whose misery may exceed 
 the happiness. Nay, who are predestined by that good 
 divinity to be damned from all eternity! At least the 
 escape from the excess of misery above that of happiness, may 
 depend upon chance as the idea of felicity in a future state, 
 depending upon subtilities of creeds, is placing it upon the 
 mere accident of situation, and the casualty of belief. Yet if 
 one were to deny to some doctors the truth of what they 
 teach, they would be disposed to treat the individual as not 
 a good Christian. It is true, they would only say they did not 
 think him a good citizen: But I would say to them, that I 
 did not think them Christians at all, so far as regarded opin 
 ion, whatever they might he in practice. 1'or the Christian 
 vol. 4, 13 
 
154 9 MODERN CHIVALRY. 
 
 religion is a system of humanity and truth ; and the great 
 object of it is to secure morality amongst men. It has no 
 metaphysics in the nature of it, but is intelligble to a child, 
 though catechisms are not. The idea ot representing the 
 deity as an object of terror, and as contriving unimaginable 
 torments for his creatures, must have been borrowed from the 
 examples of some of those despots who has been the scourge 
 of the human race. I believe in Christianity, but not in the 
 creed of any man unless it conforms to my own reason. How 
 preposterous in Calvin, and others of the reformers, to claim 
 a right for themselves, to take their creed from the Bible, and 
 yet assume to deny this right to others, or what is the same 
 thing, require them to receive their interpretation ; as matters 
 of faith, and deny the right to differ from them ? And is not 
 this the practical effect of all creeds ? None are Christians say 
 they, who do not read the Bible as we do who dare to set 
 aside our articles of faith and think for themselves ! You are 
 at liberty to vote as you please, said a French Colonel to his 
 soldiers, at the election of Emperor, but if you don't vote for 
 Napolean, I will shoot you! It is the duty of every one to 
 think for himself, for his responsibility is his own, solitary 
 and individually 
 
 CHAPTER XXVIII. 
 
 The subject continued. 
 
 THE author is well aware that some things he has related, 
 will not only be deemed improbable, but some of the less char 
 itable may be disposed to call in question his veracity, as a 
 historian. But how can any one undertake to say what is 
 extravagant, or what is incredible ? Who is there, at this day, 
 that will call in question the truth of the rise and progress of 
 the Corsican adventurer and yet this is most marvellous. 
 At a future day, when the lights of history shall have been ob 
 scured, who knows but his adventures, when written, may be 
 
MODERN CHIVALRY. 155 
 
 laid on the same shelf with those of Amadis of Gaul, Don 
 Bellianis of Greece ; or a small book entitled the Seven 
 Champions of Christendom ? It is in the cards, to use a 
 phrase taken from the gamblers, and not at all improbable, 
 that his fall may be as rapid, and not less extraordinary than 
 his ascent. * 
 
 It is perhaps somewhat owing to a defect in the narration, 
 that an air of improbability is thrown upon a history, by not 
 entering sufficiently into a detail of the transactions. There 
 is a remarkable instance of this in the history of the Ameri 
 can war by Ramsey, in which he notices the capture of three 
 vessels, and 1500 men of the British by a stratagem. Perhaps 
 not 1500, for I have not the book before me ; but certainly 
 some hundreds. All this by four of a Georgia regiment and 
 an old negro, a waiter. It was in all the Gazettes of the 
 time ; but the details were not given. It is also mentioned 
 by General Lee, in his memoirs ; who, though he gives some 
 particulars, yet is not minute in his statement of the circum 
 stance. It was at night by making numerous fires and then 
 sending a flag in the morning. The vessels had grounded. 
 There is no doubt of the fact, however ; nor would it appear 
 doubtful to any one, provided the circumstances were min 
 utely stated, which led to the success. But it is not consist 
 ent with the object of this work, to introduce this narrative 
 by way of episode. I mention it only as an instance, that the 
 improbable is not always false. The study of brevity, is a 
 cause of the omission of incidents ; an unwillingness to detain 
 the reader. And yet the great charm of ancient historians, 
 is the minuteness of painting. But I will say for myself, and 
 at the same time it may be an apology for other historians, 
 that the extreme study of brevity arises frequently from too 
 much sensibility to public opinion ; too great a fear of weary 
 ing the reader. We are not sure that what we relate is of 
 sufficient importance to engage attention ; and we endeavor 
 
 * This was written some years before the event, which occurred 
 only the year before the author's death. 
 
156 MODERN CHIVALRY. 
 
 to crowd the more into a narrow space. This is an attempt 
 to make up by condensing, what the material itself wants in 
 its quality. 
 
 But the want of probability has not been an observation in 
 the mouths of all the readers of this work. On the contrary 
 it has been thought by some, that the incidents have been all 
 so common and natural, that there is nothing improbable in 
 them ; and that the triteness of occurrence, rather than the 
 unusual, and extravagant, ought to be the objection. What 
 extraordinary can there be, say some, in such a creature as 
 Teague O'Regan receiving appointments to office, or beiug 
 thought qualified for the discharge of the highest trusts ? Do 
 we not see instances every day of the like ? Is it possible to 
 say how low'the grade of human intellect, that may be thought 
 capable of transacting public business ? It will be seen in 
 the subsequent part of ihis narrative, that the joke has been 
 carried farther than the lowest possible capacity of what is 
 found amongst men ; not just a block of wood, for that would 
 be assigning intellectual functions to an inanimate substance. 
 And yet, even this has not been without a parallel in the 
 history of the human mind, as to what has been one subject 
 of the belief of nations. Did not some even make gods of 
 stocks and stones, assigning to them celestial natures, and 
 placing them above a mortal existence ? Under this impres 
 sion, some have been forward enough to tell me, that, so far 
 from my bog-trotter being a burlesque upon human credulity 
 and pretension to office, that the bulk of men in office are 
 below even his qualifications ; and that if I were to go into 
 any deliberate body, and pull out the first man that occurred 
 to me, nine times out of ten, I would find that I had a Teague 
 O'Regan by the shoulders. I have no idea that things are 
 just brought to this pass, notwithstanding there may be 
 colour for the allegation. For undoubtedly there is nothing 
 in which men are less disposed to question their fitness, than 
 in what regards the endowments of the mind. A horse not ft 
 hunter, will not leap a five-bar gate, nor attempt a ditch of 
 
MODERN CHIVALRY. 157 
 
 the same number of feet in width, unless he is greatly pushed 
 by the rider. For the animal will have the sagacity to know 
 the distance it can surmount. But such is the sanguine 
 temperament of the human mind, that each one thinks himself 
 equal to any undertaking, that depends on that quantum of 
 mind, a thing which can neither be weighed or measured, or 
 be perceptible to sight or touch. Without public opinion, 
 there would be nothing to restrain self-love, or rather self- 
 conceit, in this respect. In many instances even that is no 
 restraint, nor is universally correct, for some may not be 
 justly appreciated. This is the moral of this book, and the 
 object of setting the example of the bog-trotter before the 
 people ; not as what is universal in every instance of a can 
 didate for office ; but as an instauce of what is too common, 
 and which ought to be avoided rather than imitated. For be 
 assured that, as far as my observation goes, it is not the way 
 to happiness, to court an advancement by a rise that is 
 unnatural, or to think of being respectable by the mere pos 
 session of office, or delegation. The post of honour in such 
 case, is rather that of a private station. But it is experience 
 only, that, with an individual, or with tho public, can suffi 
 ciently establish a conviction of this truth. 
 
 The passions of men being always the same, under like 
 circumstances, they will show the like ebullitions, It must 
 be admitted that, under this new government, reverses, ai 
 they may very properly be stiled, were much more extrava 
 gant. And if it is considered as having a relation to what 
 has happened, elsewhere, or has actually happened any 
 where, it must appear outre, as the French style it, and be 
 yond the life. The extravagance of the caricature is only to 
 render the truth more striking. There is a likeness and ^ 
 better likeness; a resemblance and an exact picture. But 
 a caricature is not to come under the rules of painting from 
 the life, or to the life ; but on the contrary, of giving you to 
 know what is intended ; but at the same time showing you 
 something different from the thing itself: in other wordi, 
 vol. 4 13* 
 
158 
 
 MODERN CH1VALRV, 
 
 suppressing the beauties, andgiving the faults. For, where 
 the graces and deformities are mixed in the object, you are 
 apt to fall in love with the deformities, for the sake of the 
 graces. The use, therefore, of the caricature, is to put the 
 deformities by themselves, that they may cease to be the object 
 of imitation. Did any one ever see an imitator who did not 
 copy the defects, even though he did not mean to do it? I 
 say nothing of Alexander's courtiers having their necks awry, 
 for that is a common place illustration. But it is with a view 
 to serve future times, that these things are handed down. 
 The cupidity of man still continuing the same, the like con- 
 Yulsions at no distant day will occur, and unless well managed 
 will terminate in the overflow of liberty. For it is only by 
 the permanence of establishments, constituted on the basis 
 of freedom that liberty can be preserved. And if constitutioas 
 once come to be played with, like battle-doors, there is an end 
 of stability. Every new man must have a constitution ; for 
 he will wish one to suit himself; and he will have no doubt 
 but that he can make one, that will at least have in it what 
 he wants. Or the constitution now existing may be trampled 
 in tbe mire. Some popular demagogue may amuse the 
 pppplp by yrostrntins the barriers provided for their own 
 (security. Uue thing is certain, that when our democratic 
 institutions shall be overthrown, the people themselves will be 
 made the instruments for doing it. Some popular measure 
 will be the entering wedge. Instead of the word overthrow, 
 I should rather have said undermined. 
 
 Will there be any end to the projects of innovators, in 
 matters of law and government ; especially where the least 
 informed are equally entitled to an opinion with those of the 
 greatest experience, or the deepest thought ? And to exclude 
 any from the right of having an opinion in public affairs is 
 impracticable, consistent with the enjoyment of liberty. The 
 principle of the right must be acknowledged ; what is more, 
 it must be preserved and cultivated. It is only by reason, or 
 
MODERN CHIVALRY. 159 
 
 by ridicule, that what is oxcessiv.e in the exercise of the right 
 and erroneous in the deductions of the mistaken, can be 
 corrected. 
 
 In the propagation of a new religion, or in a new tenet of 
 particular faith, what is moderate will not be likely to prevail 
 in the opinions of men. The absurd is always the most pop 
 ular, and this upon the principle that artificial tastes are 
 stronger than the natural ; and what produces the greatest 
 excitement, is most pleasing to the mind. Hence it is, that 
 mere morality, and the dictates of nature and truth, in the 
 conduct of men, are undervalued, in comparison of the dog 
 mata of those faiths which, are fanatical, and which are 
 embraced more readily than the rational. Unintelligible 
 reveries are better relished in the pulpit than just reasoning, 
 on the principles of right and wrong in the actions of men ; 
 and incomprehensible theological disquisitions are put into 
 the hands of young poople, as more substantial food for the 
 mind than precepts of moral truth, which every step in life 
 will bring into practice and explain.* 
 
 * It does not follow because thaauthor rejected religious creeds, 
 he departed from every thing contained in them he merely 
 claimed the right to make his own creed, and put it in bis own 
 words. That creed was sufficient for himself, without forcing it 
 on any other. It was against the principles and arrogance of any 
 man, or set of men, setting themselves up as exclusive interpreters 
 of the scriptures, against which he revolted. At the same time, 
 there were some of their articles of faith, which he positively 
 rejected. In consequence of this stand he brought down upon 
 him the enemity of the clergy, and this work is condemned by 
 them, in the same spirit that Protestant works are condemned 
 by the Inquisition. 
 
 CHAPTER XXIX. 
 
 Consisting of Digrissisns. 
 
 IT is a matter of self-denial in one not to introduce more 
 quotations from the latter classics ; being unwilling to incur 
 
160 MODERN CHIVALRY. 
 
 the charge of pedantry. And yet to myself it is pleasing; 
 because I perceive great beauty in the turn of the expression 
 in that language ; but still more in the. Greek ; though I do 
 not quote it because we have no printers who have the type, 
 to set the words and' it looks badly in the common characters.* 
 As to French I never come to like the language, or to feel the 
 delicacy of expression perfectly. Nevertheless I am not 
 wholly in'sensible of the neatness and perspicuity of the style 
 of some writers in that language, in preference to others, as of 
 Voltaire, or Rouseau, compared with the bulk of these who 
 have gone before them. But of all languages, the Greek, 
 unquestionably, with me, has the preference ; and yet it can" 
 not be supposed that I understand it as well as my vernacular; 
 nor within many degrees of it ; and yet I think it a thousand 
 times superior. Pinkerton, thinks that the Greek is derived 
 from the German; and that the German is the original Per 
 sian : that in some convulsion of the Persian empire, at an 
 earlier period than we have any account of, some portion of 
 that people had emigrated, and passing to the north, had 
 made the circuit of the Caspian and Euxine seas ; and, at 
 length established themselves in the heart of Europe. I can 
 more readily conceive the Persian hardening into the harsh 
 ness of the German sounds, than of the German softening into 
 the fluidity, and sweetness of the Greek accent; but that there 
 is a great affinity between the German, and the Greek, there 
 is no one who understands both languages, but must admit, 
 But independent of this, it is a proof of the affinity, that a 
 German can easily learn to pronounce the Greek gutturals ; 
 whereas to those of most other nations it is difficult. That 
 the Germans used the Greek alphabet in the time of Julius 
 Caesar, appears from his commentaries; though some have 
 attempted to lessen the evidence of this by changing the 
 words, Grecis literis, into Crassis literis utuntur ; but clear 
 it is, that a long time must have elapsed in the amelioration 
 of the German into Greek ; though I do not altogether reject 
 
 * The work was originally printed in a village. 
 
MODERN CHIVALRY. 161 
 
 the idea of these being the same language originally, as 
 Pinkerton has endeavored to prove, both by the authority of 
 writers, and by an historical deduction of the origin of an 
 cient nations. I must acknowledge that until I had read his 
 dissertation, I had been inclined to think that the Germans 
 had been a people distinct from all others from the earliest 
 period ; for it is remarkable that, in the time of Julius Caesar, 
 before any mixture of the other nations had intervened, the 
 colour of the eye, and the hair of all, were the same ; the 
 blue eye and yellow hair 
 
 Cserula quis stupuit, German! lumina, flavam 
 
 Caesariem 
 
 This quotation is from Juvenal, who puts this national char 
 acteristic of feature, upon the same footing as to being com 
 mon with the swelling of the neck in Switzerland. 
 
 Quis tumidum guttur miratur sub alpibus. 
 Which swelling, called the goitre is not confined to the Alps ; 
 but is found at the foot of most high mountains ; at those of 
 Thibet in Tartary, as well as of the Allegheny mountains, on 
 the west side ; for it is remarkable that no instance occurs 
 on the east. 
 
 But I return from this digression to the subject we were 
 upon, the origin of the Germans, and the language of that 
 people. I feel the more interested in this disquisition, be 
 cause the Saxcn, which was my vernacular tongue, is a dia 
 lect of the ancient German, and the mother of the English. 
 The dialect that is spoken by the common people in Cumber 
 land, and the adjoining county of Scotland, called the Low 
 Lands, is Saxon. It is in this dialect that the old comedy of 
 Gammar Gunter's Needle is written, which is the prototype 
 of the Gentle Shepherd of Allen Ramsey. Many of the scenes, 
 that of Maudge the witch in particular, are evidently bor 
 rowed, so far as respects the character of the personage. I 
 wonder that it is not looked up, and printed with the Gentle 
 Shepherd, that it may be seen how nearly they resemble. It 
 
162 MODERN CHIVALRY. 
 
 will be found in a collection of old plays by Dodsley ; amongst 
 which the model of Shakespeare's Othello, in a tragedy by 
 a certain Jan, or John Pafre, will be seen. In looking over 
 these, it will appear that what is called blank versification, 
 was written with great facility before his time, in. that fluent 
 way which he has preserved, and which is the only way in 
 which it is tolerable to me, that of Milton excepted. For the 
 versification of neither Thompson, nor Young, do I greatly 
 relish ; and that of Cowper as little. Congreve comes the 
 nearest what I can bear. 
 
 But I recur to a consideration of the language of nations, 
 not meaning style in composition, but the sounds by which 
 ideas are expressed ; and those sounds attempted to be com 
 municated by letters of the alphabet; I say, attempted ; for 
 after all that can be got by the arbitrary marks which we call 
 letters, it is by the ear alone that we can catch the real sounds 
 that are intended ; it is only by a length of time that the ear 
 can catch a sound, or the tongue be brought to imitate it. It 
 is for this reason that it is thought that those who have a 
 taste for music, and some facility in catching a tune could 
 most easily acquire the pronunciation of a language ; though, 
 I have my doubts of this; for there seems to be no immediate 
 connection between the faculty of singing, and of speaking 
 merely ; not that I will undertake to say that softness of fea 
 tures and softness of voice are not connected ; for beautiful 
 features always appear to have more delicacy of expression, 
 than the homely ; and a handsome woman to sing more 
 sweetly, if she can sing at all, than one that is what we call an 
 ordinary person ; whether it is that the imagination cheats 
 the ear, and what is merely lovely to the eye, is also more 
 pleasing to that organ. A young man in the pulpit is thought 
 to possess greater powers of oratory in proportion as he has 
 the advantage of personal appearance. In fact the goodly 
 person has the advantage before any audience. Cicero COD. 
 siders staUire, an advantage to the orator. A public speaker 
 must be tall ; or have such powers as to be able to make 
 
MODERN CHIVALRY. 163 
 
 those that hear him forget that he is of a small stature. 
 This was in the power of Garrick, according to the poet 
 Churchhill. 
 
 Figure, I own, at first, may give offence, 
 And harshly strike the eye's too curious sense ; 
 But when perfections of the mind break forth ; 
 Fancy's true fire, and judgment's solid worth ; 
 When the genuine flame by nature taught, 
 Bursts into act, and every word is thought ; 
 Before such merit all objections fly ; 
 Pritchard's genteel, and Garrick six feet high. 
 
 It strikes me as very extraordinary that those whose prov 
 ince is speaking, do not think of assisting the personal ap 
 pearance more by the article of dress ; I mean in the costume 
 or model of the coat, which is that of the laborer, rather than 
 of the gown; I meant to have eaid of the long robe , for the 
 vest and coat that sits close to the body, and is short, has not 
 the dignity of a more loose and flowing garment. And 
 hence a speaker appears better in what we call a surtout, 
 than in that which sits tight to the body. He will feel more 
 easy in such a vestment ; though he must be careful when he 
 turns his back to the fire not to burn the tail ; but at the same 
 time, it will not do to take it up in order to warm back set 
 tlements, because a delicate man will not wish to have it 
 brought into view that he has them to warm. For nature 
 having antipathy to those parts has turned them behind, 
 which Loginus notices, as an illustration of a precept of good 
 writing. It is true the jockeycoat being slit behind, a corner 
 may be taken up under each arm; but the attitude is un 
 graceful. A friend of mine once, for whom I had a great 
 good will, introducing his son, asked my opinion what he 
 should do with him he had giveL him some education, and 
 was at a loss, whether to put him to study law, physic, or di 
 vinity. I recommended to a handycraft employment. But 
 experiment of a learned profession being uselessly made, the 
 father, after some years, wondering at the sagacity I had 
 
164 MODERN CHIVALRY. 
 
 discovered, having had no opportunity at the time I had given 
 my opinion, of knowing any thing of the lad, but jast seeing 
 him on his being introduced to me, enquired on what ground 
 I had formed my judgment ; I told him frankly, that I had 
 seen at a glance what he was in the stamina of his mind, by 
 the manner of his turning his back to the fire, and taking up 
 his coat behind. For there is delicacy of feeling which al 
 ways accompanies genius; and which shows itself in even 
 the smallest particulars. A diligent observer will find in what 
 may be thought the most indifferent actions, enough to indi 
 cate the portion of intellect which has fallen to the share of a 
 young person. For as a great general at a coup d'ceil, or 
 glance of the eye, can catch all the advantages of ground to 
 draw up upon, and manoeuvre his army ; so one acquainted 
 with the human physiognomy, and attentive to the movements 
 of the body, can give a pretty good guess whether the boy is 
 to be denominated a John Bull calf, or Nicholas Bottom, the 
 weaver. I have not the same skill in the female character, 
 and might be mistaken in my ideas of what a young lady 
 might be brought to be ; but having been employed a good 
 part of my early life in the academies, and in the instruction 
 of youth, I had acquired some degree of sagacity in distin 
 guishing the aptitude for pursuits in life, 4nd I cannot say 
 that this has bee a the source of much advantage to me ; but 
 on the contrary, of much vexation, to see those whom nature 
 intended for hucksters, and haberdashers of small wares, 
 pushed forward into the learned professions, and calling 
 themselves lawyers, or affscting to be politicians, and con 
 ductors of the affairs of government. I well know that no 
 man's opinion can be considered as importing absolute verity; 
 but so far as my opinion will carry weight with it I can say 
 that I have known judicial characters who, if things had 
 taken place according to their gravity in the moral world, 
 would have been at the bottom of the stair-case ; at least 
 would never have risen higher than keeping a shop of mer* 
 chandise, and in that situation might have boon respectable. 
 
MODERN CHIVALRY, 165 
 
 For far be it from me to undervalue men's occupations under 
 whatever denomination. It is the unfitness, the incongruity 
 of talents for the occupation, that I arraign, 
 
 Felices agricolae, sua si bona norint. 
 
 Happy might they be if they knew their happiness ; that is, 
 could they distinguish where it was found. 
 
 But returning from this second, third, or fourth digression 
 to the thread of our discourse. I take it, the Basternse were 
 that people from whom the Saxons of the Weser and Vistula 
 were principally descended. For after their repulse by the 
 ,Romans, under Augustus, when they attempted to enter 
 Thrace, they would seem to have pressed upon the west of 
 Europe, and occupied this quarter. The Getae, or Goths, 
 were more upon the Rhine and heads of the Danube. / 
 
 Turner, in his history of the nations which have emigrated 
 from beyond the Elb, has proved, or rendered it extremely 
 probable, that a great country was lost during the dark ages, 
 on the west of Europe, of which Greenland and Iceland are 
 remains. For it appears from the archives of Denmark, that 
 from very ancient time, that kingdom had colonies in that 
 quarter ; and an intercourse had been kept up, which had 
 been discontinued during the adumbration of the north from 
 the inundation of barbarous nations. \V e are certainly but 
 little acquainted with that corner of the earth ; the Romans 
 having had no knowledge of it, much less the Greeks, living 
 more remote from the scene. It is but extremely little we 
 know of the earth we live upon, so far as respects mankind ; 
 nor, perhaps, is it to be regretted ; for to what purpose would 
 it be to know more, but to increase our knowledge of bloody 
 battles, or individual misery ? Would it not rather be desir 
 able that the whole remembrance of past events was struck 
 out of our minds, and that we had to begin a new series ? 
 "What happens every day now, is so like what happened be 
 fore, that the sameness is wearisome. Instead of consuming 
 so much time in acquiring a knowledge of history, we might 
 vol. 4, 14 
 
166 MODERN CHIVALRY. 
 
 employ ourselves in searching the mountains for simoles, or 
 digging for minerals. Chemistry since it has been founded 
 on experiment, and analysis, begins to be once more a fash 
 ionable study ; but the fine arts, music, painting, poetry, and 
 architecture, occupy so much of the time of the education for 
 a young person, that there is not leisure or space loft for the 
 more useful pursuits. I have not mentioned statuary ; for 
 there are few amongst us that handle the chissel in any other 
 way than as joiners or carpenters*. Carucchi was guillotined, 
 as being concerned in constructing what was called the infer 
 nal machine, for the purpose of blowing up Bonaparte. It is 
 astonishing that one so far above his species in the divine art 
 of imitating a man by the fabrication of the hand, should 
 have thought of destroying an original! It was this Carucchi 
 that proposed the representation of America in sculpture, 
 wringing the rivers from her hair. David the painter is also 
 one of those wonderful personages ; for such I call them, who 
 possess the sublime of genius in one of the fine arts, that of 
 painting. What would seem extraordinary, he was said to 
 be one of the most bloody of the revolutionary tribunal, at 
 least subservient to them. Now there is a decency, and fine 
 ness of mind, so to speak, in such kind of intellect, that it 
 astonishes me, how cruelty can find its way to mix with it. 
 
 Is there reason to suppose that this earth is, with respect 
 to some superior order of beings, but a bee-hive ; and that 
 they are amused looking at our working? And is it imposible 
 on the other hand, that this globe, may be the only one of the 
 millions of worlds in the universe, that is occupied by an in 
 tellectual creature like man? If so, what a sublime station 
 does it not give to him who is placed, "a little below the 
 angels I" It is humiliating enough to conceive our insignifi 
 cance in the first, and therefore I repel the idea: but supposing 
 it to be so, it must be amusing to them to see the same revo 
 lutions over again in the moral world. The like abstract no- 
 
 * This was written forty years ago. Many eminent artists, 
 ainters and sculptors have appeared since that day. 
 
MODERN CHIVALRY. 167 
 
 tions in metaphysics and theology, with similar experiments 
 in government. For it is true what the wise man observers, 
 " there is nothing new under the sun." 
 
 I have no idea that the Theogeny of Hesiod, as it is applied 
 to action in the Iliad, and Odyssy of Homer, and continued 
 down in the ^Eneid of Virgil^will be revived in the faith of 
 nations, while any vestige remains of the credence. For 
 there must be novelty in the hypothesis that will attract ; 
 though I will admit that boldness, or rather extravagance in 
 the belief, is most likely to be successful. 
 
 The preceding dissertation on the origin of the languages 
 of Europe, and incidentally upon other subjects, may seem 
 incongruous with the ludicrous adventurers of Captain Far 
 rago and Ttague O'Regan did it not occur to a diligent ob. 
 server, that there can be nothing incongruous or inconsistent 
 with a book which embraces all subjects, and is an encyclo 
 pedia of the sciences. It is an opus magnus, like that of Roger 
 Bacon, the father of the experimental philosophy, to which 
 his great namesake Francis Bacon added the experimental, 
 which comprehends law, physic, and divinity. "Were all the 
 books in the world lost, this would preserve a germ of every 
 art music, painting, poetry, &o. Statuary it says the least 
 about. Nevertheless, some hints are given that will serve to 
 transmit the reputation of Phidias and Praxiteless, and stimu 
 late the efforts of the chissel upon stone in generations yet to 
 come. Yet disliking egotism and all appearance of vanity in 
 others, I am unwilling to emblazon, beyond what is moderate, 
 a production of my own. But, to speak my mind a little 
 freely, leaving the Bible out of the question, which, is a di 
 vine book not to be compared to any other book ; and looking 
 to Shakspeare, Milton, Cervantes, and some others but, 
 modesty forbids the expression of what was just then passing 
 in my mind. 
 
168 MODERN CHIVALRY. 
 
 CHAPTER XXX. 
 
 The visionary philosopher, and his experiments. A Monkey is 
 Commissioned Clerk of a Court- Failure of the attempt. 
 A hound is admitted to the bar, with no better success. 
 
 IT is abundantly evident from the history of the human 
 mind, that the more extravagant any opinion is, it is the 
 more likely to prevail in sometimes and places. This will 
 have been found to be the fact in many theories of philoso 
 phy, or systems of religion. Were there two such presented 
 to me on any subject, which comes within the province of the 
 imagination ; the one rational and moderate, the other ab 
 surd and it were left to me which to choose, with a view to 
 the speediest propagation, and the greatest number of adhe 
 rents, I would take the absurd ; for what merit is there in 
 admitting what nobody, without an effort, could dispute ? 
 And independent of this, there is a secret power in the un 
 known, and incredible, to arrest the fancy and subdue the 
 judgment. The outrageous, when first presented, shocks, 
 and then domineers over the understanding. I would just as 
 soon undertake to persuade the bulk of mankind, that they 
 saw a bull in the firmament, as that two and two make four, 
 At all events, when I had once got such a thing into thei r 
 heads, as a buffalo grazing on a cloud, I would defy years to 
 get it out again. 
 
 Hence it is not to be wondered at, if the idea of the improv 
 able nature of beasts having got into the heads of the people, 
 all reasoning with them was at an end. The visionary man 
 had made prosolytes to such an extent, that the people insist 
 ed on an experiment, by raising some of the brute creatures, 
 at least, to executive offices. The clerkship of one of the 
 courts being vacant, great interest was made by the owner of a, 
 monkey, to have him appointed. The Governor was harrassed 
 by the application, which was at the same time so respectably 
 
MODERN CHIVALRY. 169 
 
 supported, that he could not possibly avoid the nomination. 
 Not that even yet he had the smallest confidence in his capa 
 city of discharging the duty; but that he might save himself 
 from the importunity of the friends of the experiment. Ac 
 cordingly the monkey was appointed, and his commission 
 made out in form. He had remonstrated against the solici 
 tation, representating his persuasion of the incompetency of 
 the animal ; but it was so firmly impressed upon the public 
 mind, that the thing deserved a trial, that he was obliged to 
 yield. For they insisted that, whatever might be the incapa 
 city of the animal, the commission would supply the defect. 
 Indeed they argued very plausibly upon this ; and it seemed 
 not to be without foundation that they urged, that it was 
 every day before their eyes, that persons were appointed to 
 office who were not qualified; and what was more, never 
 could become qualified ; and yet the world did not stand stili ; 
 nor did even the order of society, and the affairs of men seem 
 deranged. It is indiscredible what a little matter will go to 
 support one in the discharge of an office. Hence it is not so 
 absurd what the buffoon said, "let the king give me a com 
 mission, and I will see who will say I am not fit for it." How 
 ever, in the present instance, it was carrying the jest, or, as 
 it ought to be said, the experiment too far, 
 
 The monkey did not make out even to save appearances 
 for a short time ; whether owing to the mismanagement of 
 those who had the command of him, or to his own incurable 
 restlessness, and locomotive faculty. For being brought in, 
 and placed upon the table, with the implements of writing 
 before him, and the docket to make entries : the first thing 
 that struck him was the basket of a fruiterer at some dis 
 tance ; and it was not a second of time before he had leaped 
 upon it, and had a pippin in his paw. Being brought back, 
 and put to his desk again, and desired to make a minute, he 
 deliberately got up and m :de water on the table, the ink> 
 stand being in the way. This was encouraging to the san 
 guine ; for it was thought he wished to have the ink made 
 vol. 4, 14* 
 
170 MODERN CHIVALRY. 
 
 thinner, as being about to write. But no appearance of this, 
 when the next bound was upon the bench, and the judge's 
 wig hauled off his head, and pulled under the table. This was 
 ruled a contempt of court, and pug was ordered into custody. 
 It was with some difficulty that this was accomplished ; the 
 constable and sheriff exerting themselves to take him, but his 
 leaps were so nimble, that it was not till after a considerable 
 time, with the assistance of the whole bar, and the suiters of 
 the court, that they could lay their hands upon him. In 
 fact, it was not until some of them had their sticks upon 
 him, and knocked him down, that they were able to entangle 
 him in such a manner as to overcome his cantrips, and get 
 him in a bag, as you would a cat, in order to prevent him 
 from scratching. 
 
 Who could have thought that such a practical experiment 
 would not have reduced the falsity of the hypothesis of the 
 improbability of beasts to the extent alleged by some, to an 
 evident demonstration ? And yet so ingenious is the pride 
 of the mind, to supportjthe error which it has once patronized, 
 that some did not even yet submit to reason and common 
 sense. They averred a want of candor in the court and bar to 
 have the experiment fairly made, alleging the craft of the 
 profession : that pug could not have had fair play in the trial ; 
 that he must have been pinched in the tail, or in some other 
 way, rendered unmanagable. For, that of himself, he never 
 could have shown sueh unwillingness to discharge the duties 
 of his office ; more especially, as by showing him apples and 
 nuts at a distance, it was a hint to him what he might expect 
 in the way of fees, provided that his capacity, and his dili 
 gence, was found to equal the hopes his friends had entertain 
 ed of him. 
 
 But, whether the experiment, in making a monkey a pro- 
 thonotary, or clerk of the court, was baffled by the utter 
 incapacity of the animal himself, or by the intrigue of the 
 profession, and the court frowning on it, the practicability of 
 making more out of the brute creation, than had ever yet been 
 
MODERN CHIVALRY. 171 
 
 done, was not wholly given up. It was determined to make 
 an experiment of what might be done, in bringing for 
 ward some of them into the profession itself; and with a 
 view to this, choice was made of the more noisy of the dumb 
 creature, a dog. For though this beast comes under the 
 denomination of dumb, yet it is no uncommon thing to com 
 pare a lawyer to him, or him to a lawyer ; and though we say 
 a dumb dog, yet I have heard a lawyer called an impudent 
 dog ; and there are many who are said to bark, rather than 
 to argue a cause like a rational creature. 
 
 The leaning of the court was much against the admitting a 
 hound to the bar. But the people out of doors and those of 
 the circumstandibus amid curice,* or by-standers, would insist 
 upon it. The court said, they would not be understood to 
 entertain a doubt of the capacity, in such advocates, at least 
 so far as respected the making motions ; but they were appre 
 hensive of disorderly behaviour ; not so much as to side bar 
 conversation, and sitting on their hinder parts and looking 
 up to bark, as to their movements to and fro, and leaping 
 upon the bench: in which case it would not be much less 
 difficult to keep them to their plices, than it had been in the 
 case^of the monkey, whom they had all^seen could not be kept 
 to order. As to the keeping to the point in their discourses, 
 of that there was not so much matter; for it was not always 
 easy to see what was the point that was made, and to which 
 it became necessary to stick. Was there no danger that, 
 instead of confining themselves to a wrangle, they would 
 actually wage war, and interchange bites in the course of 
 their altercation ? Wager of battle did not exist as a mode 
 of trial; and therefore fighting like dogs was not known in 
 judicial proceedings, though the quarrels of counsel did 
 sometimes approach a little towards it. 
 
 * It is curious to observe how primitive customs are retained, as 
 in this privilege of the by-standers to address the court. But it 
 may be said that this privilege is confined to members of the 
 bar ! I rather think it is not. 
 
172 MODERN CHIVALRY. 
 
 On all these considerations, the court would have been 
 willing to have confined the construction of tho constitution, 
 that "araan shall be heard by himself and his counsel/ 7 to the 
 being heard by himself, or some animal of his own species. 
 Nor was there any great reason to believe, that, though in 
 many instances we see the more incompetent of a bar at the 
 head of the business ; yet, in general, people will find out 
 those who can serve them best ; and it was not probable 
 that, if the real, natural, and actual tykes wers admitted to 
 plead, any one would be so weak as to employ them in a 
 cause ; it is true, they had known many an ignorant, impu 
 dent puppy at the bar ; and some good natured of the dog 
 tribe, uo called by way of figure and resemblance, even make 
 fortunes. But this was by way of figure ; and they had never 
 yet known one so perfect a beast, as to want the shape of a 
 man, to make his way, or even to attempt practice. And if 
 no suitor did employ such a one, when admitted, where would 
 be his business ; unless in the case of a pauper unable to 
 defend himself, whsre the court might appoint counsel ; which 
 would not be decorous in them to do, even in the case of a 
 misdemeanor, unless they had greater reason to expect some 
 thing like a defence for the~unfortunate accused, than from 
 such inexperienced persons. It is true, that such appointment 
 by the court, as in the case of a horse-thief that every body 
 believed guilty, even before he was tried, might pass without 
 censure ; but if an honest pauper was convicted, being falsely 
 accused, and this owing to the blunder of an advocate ap 
 pointed by the court, the reflection would fall upon them ; 
 for these reasons they would be shy in taking such nomina 
 tion upon them ; and would be disposed to leave the dog, 
 whether what is called a feiste, or a mastiff, to his own exer 
 tions to get himself employed as he could ; and if it came to 
 them to assign counsel at any time, they would select, if the 
 younger, yet at least some of the bar more likely to do justice. 
 It was to no purpose that these matters were urged. For 
 however weighty the reasons, they were of no avail against 
 
MODERN CHIVALRY. 173 
 
 the current of public opinion ; whether it was that there was 
 some as there was reason to suspect, who wished the lawyers 
 burlesqued, and tke profession made a subject of ridicule, or 
 that the greater part were really credulous, which is more 
 probable, to the representation of philosopher. 
 
 Hence it was that, on the day appointed for the experiment, 
 a great number attending, and some of the most respectable 
 of the community ; two of the canine species were brought 
 in, and placed opposite each other, as adversaries in a cause. 
 They were said to be dogs of a good bark, and had been pitted 
 against each other several times before the bringing them to 
 court. One was the dog of a butcher, remarkably fierce ; the 
 other a mastiff, belonging to a gardner, and kept to save his 
 fruit from nightly depredation. There could be no doubt, 
 but that they would take different sides of the question, and 
 snarl, and grin, and growl abundantly ; the only difficulty 
 would be, the keeping them apart until the testimony in a 
 cause had been introduced, and they were directed by the 
 court to proceed. 
 
 This difficulty, as was foreseen, did actually occur ; for no 
 sooner were the beagles uncoupled, than they actually flew at 
 each other, and had one another by the throat. It was in vain 
 that the judge called out order, gentlemen, order ; I shall be 
 under the necessity of committing you for this irregularity of 
 proceeding; your behaviour is unbecoming your profession. 
 The dogs continued their contest, till one knocked under and 
 howled most pitiouslj. The humanity of the spectators, some 
 of whom were suitors, and some not, at length interposed, 
 and wished them to be separated, but not an individual of the 
 bar gave themselves the least concern on the occasion ; but, 
 on the contrary, seemed diverted with it as a farce, and 
 laughed immoderately; which gave great offence to the peo 
 ple, and much reason to suspect, as in the case of the monkey, 
 there had not been fair play in the experiment. Who could 
 tell what spurs, or sharp weapons, there might have been 
 under the table to prick and goad these simple and unsus- 
 
174 MODERN CHIVALRY. 
 
 pecting creatures, to battle f If Jowler, and Caesar, had actu 
 ally succeeded in maintaining a standing at the bar, it might 
 materially have affected the employing human bull-dogs, to 
 manage a controversy. And could it be supposed that, having 
 this interest at stake, the profession would have made no 
 exertion, secret or otherwise, to counteract the introduction 
 of quadrupeds ? Upon these grounds the persuasion of the 
 capacity of beasts to advocate the most difficult question of 
 law or fact, was strengthened, rather than reduced, by the 
 experiment made; or if some did querry whether all at once, 
 they might be competent to give the best advice, as chamber 
 counsel, in a matter of difficulty respecting the legal tenure 
 of estates ; yet no one hesitated to pronounce his conviction 
 that they were capable of being good advocates in a criminal 
 cause of assault and battery, at least ; or where noise and 
 racket went a great way to constitute a good pleader.* 
 
 The public opinion out of doors, was formed a good deal 
 upon the noise they had heard. It was thought to resemble 
 that of lawyers in their sparring. If some surmise did get 
 out, that in nothing but yelping did they resemble, it was at 
 tributed to their not being of the genuine breed, fit for bar ; 
 that experiment ought to be made from the Norwegian lap 
 dog, the little Indian dog of the South sea, until they came to 
 one that had the right genuine snarl. But all idea of inca 
 pacity was hooted at by others, who had taken up a more 
 favorable impression, having been in the way of hearing that 
 one of them made a speech of an hour in length ; and that, 
 had he not been stopped by the court, he would have spoken 
 two hours. 
 
 What did he say ? said a man somewhat incredulous. 
 
 * It may be said that the caricature in the forgoing is carried to 
 the extent of extravagance. The author was the enemy of despo 
 tism whether of the one, or the many. Vv here caprice, folly, and ^ 
 wantonness of power, may be seen in both, and in the bitter 
 leading- to the despotism of the one, in preference to the tyranny 
 of the many. 
 
MODERN, CHIVALRY. 175 
 
 I never can tell very well, said the other, what the lawyers 
 say. 
 
 It is all some sort of jargon to me, consisting of law terms ; 
 but this I know, if I had a cause to try, I would leave it as 
 soon to the dog that I heard bark, as to some lawyers that I 
 have seen plead at a bar. 
 
 Owing to these averments, and promulgation of rumours 
 all tending to make dog pleading popular, it was not longer 
 than the next week, that there were several people who had 
 come into town, enquiring where the dog lawyers had their 
 offices. The real lawyers were so enraged that they knocked 
 the dogs on the head, though of the profession; but clandestine 
 ly; for they were not without apprehensions of the resentment 
 of the suitors, if the dogacide should come to light. The law 
 might take hold of them also, if they could be considered as 
 coming under the description of reasonable creatures, in the 
 peace of the commonwealth. 
 
 But there was no need of precaution and secrecy ; for the 
 whole circumstance relating to the dogs, and their appearance 
 in court, or the manner in which they acquitted themselves 
 in the trial of a cause, was lost and forgotben in the introduc 
 tion of a wolf and fox the third day of the court; the wolf 
 muzzled, having been taken in a trap. But to avoid^all insin 
 uation, or popular obloquy, of not giving them, a fair chance, 
 by admonishing them before they began, of the duty of 
 counsel, the rules of the court were read to them, and it wa s 
 stated what abuses in the conduct of attornies, had been 
 observed, and which it behooved them to avoid; such as 
 stretching their heels, puffing their breath, turning and 
 twisting in their seats, or sitting on the counsel table, and 
 talking to the bench ; holding side-bar conversations, and 
 looking and yelping to the juries, or grinning when they 
 thought they had said a thing smart. Growling and grumb 
 ling when the point was given against them, they ought not to 
 take it for granted, that they were the only persons who had a 
 knowledge of alaw cause, or tho application, was notinfallible. 
 
176 MODERN CHIVALRY. 
 
 "Gentlemen, said the chief justice, you are entering on a 
 profession that, independent of legal knowledge, for of, that, we 
 take it for granted, you have a competent share requires 
 in a practitioner the utmost delicacy of behaviour, both to 
 the bar and to the bench, as the surest means of your success. 
 For it is a mistake to suppose, that impudence is the principal 
 qualification here. It may go some length in the opinion of 
 bystanders, to give them the impression of boldness; but if it 
 goes no length with the court. It is, on the contrary, a great 
 draw-back. Diligent preparation in your offices, and modest 
 demeanor at the bar, is the most likely way to secure confi 
 dence, and to conciliate attention, and to have what is called 
 the ear of the court. For when a person merely barks the 
 the moment he begins, nothing else being expected, the 
 judge lets his mind go to pasture, if I may be allowed a figure, 
 that is, indulges himself in absence of mind, until the har 
 angue wears near a close. There is what is called having 
 the ear of the court : for should you howl ever so loud, or 
 bark, unless there is a previous respect founded in the expec 
 tation of what you are about to say, there will be little 
 attention in reality, whatever there may seem to be/' 
 
 Opinion had been expressed in the mean time, on the talents 
 of the respective advocates, according as one had argued 
 favorably, or the reverse of oue or the other. It was expected 
 the fox would show the most address in the management of a 
 cause; but that the wolf would be most likely to carry his 
 point by browbeating his adversary, and the court. 
 
 "Gentleman, said the court, fox and wolf, or wolf and fox, 
 whichever of you it is that begins first, and that will depend 
 upon your being for the plaintiff or defendant you will please 
 to proceed." 
 
 The wolf being unmuzzled, and the fox let slip, the one ran 
 under the bench, and the other leaped out at the window, the 
 dogs after him, which gave occasion to leave this matter of 
 professional capacity still undetermined ; the pursuit of the 
 dogs gmng occasion to the old surmise of the lawyers having 
 
MODERN CHIVALRY. 177 
 
 Bet them upon them to get rid of a formidable rival. In the 
 hurry scurry, there was little said about the fox, and he was 
 supposed to have made his escape. 
 
 The reprimand that the chief justice gave to the squirrels 
 and the pigs for their behaviour in court, was perhaps the 
 most pointed of that given to any of the beasts ; to the squir 
 rels for cracking nuts, and chirping like cockroaches, while 
 the charge was delivering, and conversing in corners with 
 each other. To the pigs, for muoching apples; because it 
 was not only a trespass against decorum, but an interruption 
 to the argument of counsel, which could not be so well heard. 
 Mouthing on the stage is spoken of as far from being agreea 
 ble. But such mouthing produces but a slight tumfaction of 
 the oral orifice, and gives a rounding to the voice, 
 
 " Ore rotundo. 
 
 But the mouthing the pipin, or the peach, distends the jaws 
 occasionally to an immeasurable width; and if one half the 
 hemisphere is attempted to be embraced like a snake swallow 
 ing a toad, the eyes have an appearance of starting from their 
 sockets, which communicates pain to the beholder because 
 it impresses the idea that the actor is in pain. 
 
 JCHAPTEE XXXI. 
 
 The subject of the right of suffrage resumed. 
 
 I FIND my thoughts again, as it were instinctively reverting 
 to the subject of the right to vote, or the right of suffrage, as 
 it is called, for I regard it, no matter how it be named, as the 
 foundation of all our free institutions. It is true we must 
 yield to the power of the majority, but let this be fairly 
 expiessed, and let the minority, and every single citizen 
 and his wishes, as far as practicable, be respected. We must 
 not forget that the principle of majority, is the principle of 
 
178 MODERN CHIVALRY. 
 
 power, in the one or the many, may be abused. King NUMBERS 
 is almost as apt to forget, that all things which the King may 
 do, are not lawful, as King ONE, to believe that he can do 
 no wrong. 
 
 A vote in proportion to the stake might seem at first rea 
 sonable. But what is the stake? Is it the soil that one 
 holds? This differs in quality and value. Must we not value 
 the improvements? The labor put on it may be worth more 
 than the soil. 
 
 The adscripti glebis, or attachment to the soil, may give 
 some security against external enemies ; but what security 
 for internal peace, and equal liberty ? On the contrary, he 
 that has much will covet more, and wealth accumulating by 
 descent or marriage, until an aristocracy is established ; and 
 this aristocracy leads to monarchy and tyranny, as well as 
 anarchy and licentiousness. Put it on the footing of desert 
 doea the accumulation of riches imply virtuous action? 
 Must he be considered to be possessed of a great soul who 
 has been fortunate ? Is it not oftener evidence of a low 
 mind to have acquired riches ? I say oftener, because I ad 
 mit that it is not a general rule ; for the honestly diligent 
 and industrious, as well as the usurer, and miser, may become 
 rich. Has the dictum of philosophers passed for truth, thai 
 there is nothing great to despise which is great; and shall 
 mere wealth in a commonwealth be accounted great, and 
 entitling to honor and privilege ? But the presumption is, 
 that a man who is thrifty in his own affairs will not be likely 
 to adopt wise measures in the affairs of the republic. I will 
 admit that a presumption lies against him who has no prop 
 erty, that he might have had it, if he had been industrious 
 or prudent. Yet the moralist truly says, that " riches are 
 not to men of understanding." That is not always so. I 
 lay it down in general, that a moderate degree of wealth is 
 11 to men of understanding." But there are exceptions that 
 defy chance and time. A special providence, or chance, if 
 you would choose to have it so, has something to do in the 
 
MODERN CHIVALRY. 170 
 
 affairs of men. " He that is born to the plack, will nev 
 er win the babee," is a proverb in the old Saxon language. 
 But I hold that in general, the fact is that " the hand of the 
 diligent maketh rich/ 1 and a man that is faithful in his own 
 affairs, affords a reasonable presumption, that he will be 
 faithful in the affairs of the public. But selfishness, and the 
 disregard of the public, are symptoms of a groveling mind. 
 And there are heroic souls, that seem born not for themselves, 
 but for the country; and there is a Latin maxim, " non nobis 
 metipsis, nascimur;" we are not born for ourselves alone. 
 
 There was a poor man, and yet that " poor man saved the 
 city." The true principle is to give weight and importance to 
 the individual, instead of being regarded as a particle in the 
 concrete mass, he is indirectly absorbed and annihilated by 
 it. The first is the work of democracy, where every citizen is 
 a sovereign. In a monarchy the individual is cheap, with a 
 few exceptions. Democracy rates him at a higher, and dis 
 tinct value. You cannot exclude the unestated man without, 
 at the same time, excluding the wise and the virtuous that 
 are without estates. There can be no good enjoyed without 
 an alloy of evil. Liberty of the tongue, liberty of the press, 
 or any other species of liberty and equality, will have its 
 drawbacks. Ic is doubtless a great evil that Tag-rag and 
 Bob tail, and who are so by their own indolence or profligacy, 
 should come to the polls with an equal voice in the construc 
 tion of the government, with those who have a greater stake 
 in matters of property ; but it cannot be avoided without 
 losing the principle that money is not virtue. If you carry it 
 out that property must be represented according to property, 
 the voter must have votes in proportion as he is wealthy 
 and wealth in soil only cannot be regarded. The establish 
 ment of manufactures, the encouragement of commerce, 
 would oppose this. If he that is without property of any 
 kind can have no vote, he that has much must have many ; 
 and this brings it to an inequality of votes, will which require 
 continual census to regulate the number. If paying tax is 
 
180 MODERN CHIVALRY. 
 
 a criterion, he that pays more tax ought to have more votes. 
 I see nothing simple and like truth in the matter, and ap 
 proaching the practicable, but that the poll should poll 
 and every one that brings a scout of full age to the election 
 ground, should have a vote. Indigence is in its nature, de 
 pendent, and will rally round those of standing in society, 
 from their degree of independence ; and the votes being 
 thus amalgamated, -will balance parties in a commonwealth. 
 A government of liberty* is the most delicate of all struc 
 tures, and there is no preserving it, if the love of money is 
 encouraged, and made the chief evidence of patriotism. If a 
 difference in suffrage could be made, I would make it in 
 favor of those who have invented useful arts, and made dis 
 coveries in mechanics ; or who have, in fact, in some way 
 benefited society. There would seem nothing unreasonable 
 in indulging him with privileges who had brought up a large 
 family of children ; or introduced a new breed of cattle ; or 
 grown a better sort of grass. But a usurer,^ grinding the face 
 of the poor, or one enjoying rents from the lands that his 
 ancestor has left him, cannot be said to deserve well of his 
 country, for these cuts or accidents. The New England man 
 that comes with his machine, for which he has obtained a 
 patent, is of peculiar respectability compared with such. I 
 say New England, because that part of the United States 
 States has been most fruitful in inventions, from Phipps, of 
 Massachusetts, who invented the diving bell, down to the 
 present time. Whether it is that poverty has produced the 
 necessity of recurring to their wits, having a greater stock of 
 population, and the means of livelihood being less within their 
 reach Ingenii largitor venter or whether it is in the soil, or 
 the air, and water of the climate ; for natural, as well as moral 
 causes may produce this difference in the capacities of men. 
 
 * The abolishing entails, and the equal distribution of estates, 
 among all the heirs in equal degree, has the effect of a gradual ag- 
 grarian law, and prevents the accumulation of estates in families. 
 They can seldom bepreserved beyond the second or third generation 
 
MODERN CHIVALRY. 
 
 18! 
 
 I can see no reason in giving a field a vote, much less a 
 piece of wood land ; nor one to the owner of beasts in pro 
 portion to his stock ; unless those beasts could speak and 
 give a viva voce vote. But to return ; it seems to me that the 
 ancients, and some of the moderns, have carried the fiction 
 beyond all probability, that of beasts speaking ; because a 
 dialogue of this kind exists but in books of fables. It is 
 much more within bounds, to put at least for one of the 
 speakers, a person that can speak. Thjs we have done, and 
 have not put a syllable into the mouth of any of the beasts. It 
 is the man that we make speak ; the beast only listens. Yet 
 it is ten to one but some will call out against the going even 
 so far, as to represent beasts listening ; because it is to mu 
 sic, only, that they have heretofore been mado to listen, which 
 is not so extravagant as beasts speaking, and men listening. 
 The instances of beasts actually speaking are so few ; in 
 fact there it not a single instance within my knowledge: so 
 that I thought it the more prudent part, in order to avoid the 
 having the truth of my history called in question, to confine 
 them to listening altogether. What these beasts would have 
 said, had they spoken, every one may imagine for himself. In 
 this case, there is less danger of giving offence, every one 
 having it in his power, to mould his sentiments, a son gre, 
 or according to his own mind. 
 
 But had I been so inclined, how could I have made them 
 speak? For just as they were going to open a mouth, or at 
 least as the occasion had arrived when it would have been 
 proper to have done it, the dogs were set upon them, or the 
 dogs did set upon them. For this would appear to be the 
 safer expression, as the bar assert that they as a profession, 
 whatever some individuals might have done, had nothing to 
 do with it. 
 
 It has been stated that the proper articulately speaking 
 beasts have not been selected upon. It is sufficient answer 
 to this, that we had not the choosing them ; or, if we had, 
 can it be said that all beasts are not equally made to speak ? 
 
182 MODERN CHIVALRY. 
 
 that is, are represented equally capable of speaking, in the 
 history of Reynard the Fox? Among the Jews, the ass 
 seems to have been the principal speaker ; and though an 
 ass at the bar, or on the bench, either, would be no new 
 thing ; yet vulgar opinion is against it ; and if an ass had 
 been introduced, the force of prejudice is such, that any dis 
 appointment that might have occurred, would have been at 
 tributed to the choice made. Amongst the Romans, the 
 feathered creation seem to have been the most loquacious, as 
 they are to this day, in their own way. 
 
 " Annosa ab ilice cornix." 
 
 But a prejudice also exists in modern times against fowls 
 articulating : they are said to chatter, as, for instance, the 
 magpie. 
 
 Orinithologists are not so attentive as they ought to be in 
 the language of birds. The plumage seems to be most their 
 object in delineation ; and it must be acknowledged, that it 
 is in the article of fine feathers, like some fine ladies that I 
 have known, that they are most distinguished ; red, green, 
 blue, vermilion, and all other colors of the rain-bow. It is 
 in this point of view that I take the liberty of recommending 
 the Ornithology of Wilson, lately published in Philadelphia ) 
 with fine drawings of our American birds: and which every 
 man that can afford it, ought to encourage by his subscription. 
 Not that he makes them say any thing, human ; but he 
 gives a clear and full note of their notes under the figure of 
 each bird; thig, though perhaps not so useful, is at least as 
 amusing, as a dissertation showing to which of the articula 
 tions of the human species, they approach nearest in their re 
 spective sounds: Arabic, Samaritan, Shawnese, or Creek. 
 The language of beasts and birds has been much studied by the 
 Orientalists : but none of them have given us a vocabulary, 
 much less a dictionary, of any of those multitudinous dialects 
 which exist amongst them. And yet in their tales of the 
 genii, and other comp ilations, we have abundance of the 
 
MODERN CHIVLARY. 183 
 
 conversation of the inhabitants of the air ; which proves 
 that the people of the east must be a good deal in the habit 
 hearing birds converse. The story of Mahomet's pigeons, I 
 take to be fiction of the monkish writers ; but we have it in 
 the scripture, if it is not in a figure, and a strong way of 
 expressing what is meant, " Curse not the thing ; no, not in 
 thy thought, and curse not the rich in thy bed-chambers for 
 a Urd of the air shall carry the voice ; and that which hath 
 wings, shall tell the matter." Henco the language of mothers 
 to their children when they mean to say that they have got 
 the information from a source which they do not mean to 
 explain, " a little bird told me of it." 
 
 It will be said that in all this ribaldry of beasts and birds 
 speaking, I have it ia view to burlesque lawyers ; not at all. 
 I have no such vulgar prejudice against lawyers, as some 
 people have ; there are good and bad of them as of other 
 professions. And this I will say, that of all professions, it 
 cannot be but that the study and practice of the law, leads 
 most to discern the value of honesty , for the study consists 
 in tracing the rules of justice, and the practice in the appli 
 cation of them. It is the man that is no lawyer, but calls 
 himself so, that is the knave. The nature of the law is liberal ; 
 and gives understanding; and wherever there is sound sense, 
 there will be honesty. But I have such a contempt of chat 
 tering in speech, and bluster and bullying in manners ; and 
 of quibbling, and catching in practice where it occurs, that I 
 feel no compunction in designating it under the masque of 
 irrational noises, or quadrupedal affections. 
 
184 MODERN CHIVALRY. 
 
 CHAPTER XXXII. 
 
 Conversation between the Governor and the visionary Philoso 
 pher. The manufacture of public opinion. 
 
 WHEN I speak of the visionary philosopher, I do not mean 
 
 him that had 
 
 " Read Alexander Ross over ;" 
 
 but one who had seen the great Stewart,* who delivered 
 lectures in this country, on the perfectibility of man, and 
 
 * Who the great Stewart was we are unable to say but 
 presume that allusion is made to some itinerant lecturer some 
 plausible imposter of the day we have them at the present time, 
 who surpass in folly and extravagance, all that have gone before. 
 " Vote yourself a farm," is the cry of the aggrariari. ' Equal 
 rights and equal property," is the cry of the radical. It is pro 
 posed that land, after the life time of the holder, shall return to 
 the State, to be distributed " to the most worthy." The Irish 
 tenure of tanistry, " the most worthy," was the greatest ruffian. 
 It would be difficult lo equal the absurdity of the following 
 passage of an address by a person by the name of S. C. Bishop, 
 one of those reformers, "I would return the land to its original 
 destination, that is to say what it was and ought to be, the com 
 mon property of all God's People, the rents belonging to the 
 nation, and every man having as good a right to rent a part from 
 the State, as any other man.'' How does it appear that the land 
 originally belonged to the State ? And if it belongs to the State, 
 now can it be the common property of all God's people, as the 
 air is the common property of fowls, or the sea of the u'sh ? And 
 why pay rent for it to the State ? And what is the State ? Or if ail 
 have an equal right to rent any part, who is to decide when there 
 happens to be a competition of several for the same part 1 Others 
 even maintain that property is robbery that it must have been 
 stolen from somebody. Such are the endless absurdities of the 
 vain creatures, who, iike the visionary philosopher, think that 
 every thing is Jvrong in the moral and natural world ; that they 
 are wiser than the Deity, and wiser than all former generations 
 of men, ^that if everything could only be pulled down, and let 
 them build up, perfection would necessarily follow. It is jrnpos- 
 sible to reason with these conceited fools they can only be 
 rejicked by ridicule. 
 
MODERN CHIVALRY. 185 
 
 this student, or disciple had been disposed to carry the mat 
 ter farther, and discuss the perfectibility of beasts. 
 
 It is impracticable, said the Governor. Instinct has but 
 narrow limits ; and it is not improvable, as is human reason. 
 However sagacious a fox may be, in eluding hounds and 
 catching poultry, the distinction is immense in the nature of 
 the intellect. I hope you would not think of extending the 
 right of suffrage to these. There is no incorporating wild 
 cats and jack-daws in the community. We have enough to 
 do with men that have the shape of Christians, let alone 
 opossums and jack-alls, and bears of the forest that have 
 no reflection ; or if they could reflect, would their keepers 
 permit suck intercourse with peaceable inhabitants, as to 
 render the interchange of civilities safe and convenient ? In 
 point of capacity, they would be deficient, and unqualified 
 even for the ministerial offices of government. But as to 
 those duties or professions which require some discrimination 
 of meum and tuum, they must ever remain totally incompetent. 
 1 What, said the philosopher, persisting in his theory, have 
 you not heard it said, that judge this, or judge that, is an ass, 
 that another is an old horse, and of even a juris-consult, or 
 barrister, for instance, that he is a panther or a bear, espe 
 cially when he is hard upon a witness in his cross-examination? 
 Might it not be practicable to bring a brute or beast to be 
 even capable of filling an office of trust or honour ? 
 
 I grant that a judge, figuratively, said the governor, may 
 be a horse or a buffalo, or an ass ; or that a counselor may 
 somewhat resemble the ferocity of a tiger at the bar. But 
 that these animals, stript of all figure, and colouring of 
 speech, should in reality, and in prepria persona, be put 
 upon the bench, or licensed to plead, would be more than I 
 am prepared to think advisable. 
 
 You are not aware of the hypothesis of Darwin, said the 
 philosopher, that a man may have been originally a cray 
 fish, or a flying squirrel ; or of Monbeddo, who thought men 
 originally had tails. 
 
186 MODERN CHIVALRY. 
 
 I am not, said the Governor, And though I do hot know 
 that the Lord spoke all things to Moses that he is said to 
 have spoken ; for there may have been some mistakes in 
 the translation from the Hebrew, as in other versions ; yet 
 there seems to me more probability in the cosmogony of the 
 Hebrew writer, than in the reveries of Darwin in his Temple 
 of Nature, or his Zoonomia. And even suppose the brutal 
 to be capable of amelioration from one nature to another* 
 until it reaches the human, it would seem to me, that its 
 rights should keep pace only with the improvement of its 
 forms; and that we^hould wait until the elephant comes to 
 sit upon his own end, and cease to go upon all fours, before 
 we think of introducing even the noblest of animals, in point 
 of intellect, into a participation of civil institutions. The 
 swinish multitude are spoken of as having a right to vote ; 
 but that also is figurative, and it is not meant that a pig can 
 be actually admitted at the hustings to give in a ticket : 
 much less than a wolf, just taken up in a trap, should be 
 made a justice of the peace, or an alderman. 
 
 What, said the philosopher, has there not been a time 
 when beasts spoke ? 
 
 " Pecudesque locutce," 
 
 " Annosa ab illice cornix," 
 
 added the Latin schoolmaster, who had just joined the con 
 versation. 
 
 It is fabalous, said the Governor, I have seen what is call 
 ed the history of Keynard the Fox ; and what beasts were 
 when under the monarchy, where the lion was king ; and I 
 think a good book might be written, called the Republic of 
 Beasts, portraying the cabals of men, and their contentions 
 in a free government. But to constitute a republic, in reality, 
 of the four-footed creation, would be carrying matters a step 
 farther than has ever yet been attempted. In that case I 
 acknowledge we would have no occasion for the common 
 law ; nor tribunals or forms of administering justice : jury 
 
MODERN CHIVALRY. 18? 
 
 trial might be abolished ; for scratching and scrambling 
 would be the -way of every one. 
 
 Blackstone has a chapter, said the blind lawyer, " on the 
 redress of private wrong, by the mere act of parties." 
 
 That would make shorter work than even an arbitration, 
 said a bystander. 
 
 But, said the Governor, to speak seriously, though it may 
 cause a wise man indignation to see incapacity in office, which 
 will always be the case in any government, and perhaps not 
 more in a republic than \ any other; nay, I incline to think 
 less so, which it behooves me to say, who am honoured with 
 one, under that kind of constitution, yet I am opposed to the 
 extreme of universal suffrage, to all the " denizens of the for 
 est," as some are pleased to style them, and which phrase may 
 have misled the philosopher to think them capable of being 
 denizens amongst men. But if you think the experiment 
 worth making, let a number be collected, and go into the 
 measure with caution and deliberation. You will see what 
 a conflict will take place, and what a warring there will 
 soon be 
 
 " Mugitusque bourn, 
 
 Exaudire leones," 
 
 exclaimed the Latin schoolmaster. 
 
 Plase your honours, said Teague O'Kegan, who was listen 
 ing, a shape will be de safest baste to halter first, and try in 
 de plough o' de commonwealth. If de pretty baste can say 
 ba, in the congress o 7 de nation, dey cannot say dat it is de 
 ass dat spake. 
 
 There may be a prettier, but there cannot be a greater 
 beast than yourself, Teague O'Regan, said some one in the 
 crowd ; and yet we have heard of your getting an office ; 
 what is more, we see you in one, not just on the bench, as 
 in a neighbouring state, but in an office, though executive. 
 
 It is, said one, our new Governor, who opposes the 
 innovation of giving horned cattle a vote, who proposed you 
 
188 MODERN CHIVALRY. 
 
 for congress, and would have had no objection to have seen 
 you President of the Union. 
 
 That is not the fact, said the Governor ; I did object to it, 
 but I was overruled, and induced to let the experiment be 
 made ; but I never did approve of such an extraordinary 
 advancement; though were I to be guided by what I see 
 here, I might not think the presumption so preposterous. 
 How much better are many of you that are in office, than 
 Teague O'Kegan ? 
 
 The visionary philosopher having taken wind, went on. 
 Why need Cyrano de Berjerac have gone to the moon, said 
 he, to see monkeys and baboons in the capacities of waiting 
 men, if we had been supplied with domestics of that de 
 scription here ? And why limit our experiments to what 
 may be made of men ? The perfectibility of human nature, 
 no one can doubt, who has heard the lectures of Stewart, the 
 pedestrian, who was in this country some years ago. And 
 why not the perfectibility of animals that are not human ? 
 I have heard a man called a calf, a sheep, a hog, a goose, 
 and why not, one day,' hear these called man ? And to ac 
 complish this, I would admit^thenvto the elective franchise ; 
 at least all above a certain age, and who have come to the 
 years of discretion. 
 
 Years of discretion ! said the Governor. Did you ever hear 
 of a beast coming to the years of discretion ? Did you ever 
 hear of a beast having common sense ? Instinct is not com 
 mon sense ; for common sense is that degree of understand 
 ing, that portion of intellect, which is generally distributed 
 to the human species. Where the capacity is any way dis 
 tinguished, we call it talent; but where that portion of judg 
 ment, which enables us to judge with reasonable correctness, 
 on common subjects, is given, we call it common sense. A 
 man may be a scholar, a lawyer, a judge ; that is, may have 
 the reputation of a scholar, and may have the commission of 
 a judge, and yet want common sense ; by which I mean 
 sense in common things. For knowledge of abstract rules 
 
MODERN CHIVALRY. 189 
 
 may go some length to make a man of science ; but common 
 sense is judgment in the application of rules. It is the com 
 paring things ; and hence it is that I do not think this phi^ 
 losopher, though he may surpass the magii of Babylon in a 
 knowledge of the stars, can have common sense, in urging 
 this matter upon a young people, just beginning a new gov 
 ernment. What would you do with a horse upon a bench ; 
 to eat hay, and dung on it ; a monkey a prothonotary, to 
 crack nuts, and be restless ; an ass to quote British precedents, 
 and to say, my lord has said this, and my lord has said that ; 
 if indeed he could say anything, and not rather bray what 
 he had to say ? We have dunces enough of our breed to be 
 doing with a while yet. Why enlarge the sphere of stupidity ? 
 A pretty bar we would have of it in point of order, if elks 
 and panthers were admitted to conduct a cause ; motions for 
 new trials in abundarce. The pertinacity of the unicorn 
 would be unsufferable. 
 
 What! said Will Watlin, the constable ; have we not heard 
 a bar called a bear-garden ; interrupting one another, trouble 
 some to the court ? I should like to see a cat and a racoon 
 wrangle as some of these have done. The mild and the mo 
 dest man has no chance. All is carried by a coup de main, 
 which some interpret a stroke of the fist. If I am not per 
 mitted to take up my staff and apply it to knock them, as I 
 should be warranted in doing in case of a wild boar, or a 
 rhinoceros, I should take them across the noddle, as I would 
 have done many a lawyer, if the rules of court permitted it. 
 
 I am for enlarging the sphere of jurisprudence, said Harura 
 Scarum ; and the province of admission to bench or bar. Is 
 any man afraid of the rivalship of turkey-buzzards ? What 
 can check the hospitality of letting all into the pale of our 
 union ? We shall have more to contend against the savages. 
 
 Pro aris etfocis, said the Latin schoolmaster. 
 
 We shall have more to contend against the savages, con 
 tinued Harum Scarum ; for increase numbers in a govern 
 ment, and in that proportion you render them active in sup- 
 
100 MODERN CHIVALRY. 
 
 poit of their privileges. Men that ought to think, can leara 
 to stand upon their heads, and to run upon all fours ; or make 
 spokes of their legs and arms, and turn round like cart-wheels ; 
 and why not beasts of the wood learn to think? I dislike the 
 having all things in a common course. Nature herself has 
 given us the variety of seasons, and revolutions of the sun and 
 moon, and heavenly bodies, and why not in the affairs of men ; 
 and especially in their social institutions, as to representation 
 or exclusion? 
 
 In the mean time, the convention thus casually begun, had 
 by degrees attracted a crowd of persons, so that an assemblage 
 was formed, although not a regularly organized meeting. 
 Some young persons, by climbing up into trees to hear the 
 debate, or to see what was going on, were seen by the spec 
 tators, and mistaken for racoons and squirrels that were 
 turned into men already, by the bare proposition of advanc 
 ing them to naturalization ; and though this error was cor 
 rected in a short time by one of them who had fallen, by the 
 breaking of a limb of a tree, yet it but struck the notion 
 deeper into the heads of the vulgar, of having accession from 
 the quadrupeds at the next census of free inhabitants ; and a 
 man with a strong voice in particular called out that it should 
 be so. A bull happening to roar, and a horse to neigh at 
 the same time, it was called out that it was the voice of the 
 people. 
 
 In the multitude of a town meeting, or even in a whole 
 community, it requires but a few persons, stationed at con 
 venient distances, and dispersed in due proportion, to raise a 
 voice, and to call out in favor of a proposition, to give it cur 
 rency and acceptability. Every one fearing to be in the 
 minority, will seize the opportunity of coming round to the 
 majority, and thus public opinion is manufactured.* It is 
 " the height of ability to distinguish the times/' says the 
 
 * Sometimes public opinion is manufactured at headquarters, 
 and then transmitted to the popular leaders, to be sanctioned or 
 promulgated according to the above process. 
 
MODERN CHIVALRY, 191 
 
 Duke de Rochefaucault ; and I know no proof of discernment 
 in a republic greater than to see which way the current is 
 like to set, and to sail with it ; or rather, if you can influence 
 at all, to seize occasion by the forelock, and by disposing a 
 few frogs in a pond to croak, make it be supposed that the 
 public opinion is in the direction you choose to have it. 
 Shall a man value himself on predicting the weather, and 
 not the changes of political events? At least, this is the 
 principle upon which the greater part of politicians act. 
 
 The governor, finding that he was like to be on the un 
 popular side of the question, was willing to ease away, and 
 come under the lee of the Chief Justice, who, though but a 
 blind man, could see farther into the nature of the occasion 
 than his excellency. Th opinion of this officer was to let the 
 thing take its course, and in a short time the public would be 
 convinced how impracticable it was to extend liberty, where 
 nature meant that it should have limits. Ho thought it better 
 to address himself to their feelings in point of interest, than to 
 call in question the*practicability of the project. Direct op 
 position would only confirm them in their folly, and which 
 would last as long as that opposition was applied, but soon 
 thrown away when left to themselves, as children part with 
 their toys or break them. 
 
 Philosopher, said he, there is no doubt but there is truth 
 in what you say; and your proposition might be carried into 
 effect with suitable restrictions. But if we should admit the 
 beasts to the rights of citizenship, we should have to set them 
 free as we have the negroes. The very right of suffrage^ 
 would be a manumission ; and it would be unreasonable to 
 extend the privilege to such as are ferce natures, and ex 
 clude tame beasts. Now, if cattle or oxen, or horses become 
 entitled to equal "privileges, we could not treat them as beasts 
 of burden, or use them for the draught; much less could wo 
 knock down a pig or shoot a deer, or take the skin off a bear; 
 nor even ride a horse, but on condition of taking turns, and 
 letting him sometimes ride us. Who of you would be hitched 
 
192 MODERN CHIVALRY. 
 
 in a sledge, or stand at the tongue of a wagon for a whole 
 night, chamj ing cut straw and rye meal, or bear the whip of 
 the carter in the day-time ? Who would be ringed and yoked 
 like a pig, to keep from getting through a fence ? 
 
 These observations, however ridiculous, had more effect in 
 quelling the commotion, than any direct reasoning ; because 
 whatever crosses the thought and gives a different direction 
 to the imagination, has been known to be most effectual in 
 relieving a visania, or derangement of the mind. 
 
 CHAPTER XXXIII. 
 
 Of matters in general. Of capital punishment. The author 
 declares that if condemned to death, his choice would be to 
 be shot by a lady dressed in white muslin. 
 
 THE mind of man is active, or rather, it is restless, and the 
 great secret of managing it, is to find employment for it. 
 L 'ennui, for which we have no correspondent English word, 
 is the feeling of a vacant mind. We had a phrase in the old 
 Saxon, and which still exists in that dialect of it called broad 
 Scotch, which fits it exactly ; it is to think 
 
 O woe, quo he, were I as free 
 As when I first saw this country, 
 How blithe and merry would I be, 
 And I would never think lang. 
 
 The mind inactive loses its spring ; and it ought to be the 
 study of all who are concerned in the early education of youth, 
 to devise employment for them; and in communities, to find 
 means of occupying the grown persons. This to keep the 
 man from pursuits that are injurious to himself or to others. 
 Where an army is not to be raised, and soldiers enlisted, the 
 making turnpike roads, and digging canals, is an excellent 
 substitute for this draught of the superfluity of population, 
 
MODERN CHIVALRY. 193 
 
 and a proportion of society who have not the foresight, or 
 perseverance to devise employment for themselves. I have 
 known persons excellent laborers, under the direction of 
 others, but most wretched managers, and even bad workers, 
 when left to their own judgment, or rather, want of judg 
 ment. Their hands and legs were good, but their heads 
 indifferent. What folly to talk of absolute equality in prac 
 tice, when such vast disparity exists in reaUife ? Equality 
 of rights is all that can be acknowledged : but this will not 
 place men on equality, where nature has formed them 
 unequal, or when the freaks of fortune favor some and 
 neglect others. Do what we will, some will lead, or overtop 
 the rest, or outgrow them like trees in the forest. There is no 
 equality in nature. Hence it is that they are mustered in 
 elections by the ambitious, for their own private ends, and 
 these are they who are made use of to call out for a change 
 of the constitution. Not that all who make use of them for 
 this purpose, mean more than to advance themselves by the 
 aid of the confusion which they excite. For when men are 
 out of power, they wish the drawing of the lottery to begin 
 again, and the prizes drawn to go for nothing. The blanks 
 that are drawn do not givo satisfaction Not but that the 
 common people are of themselves sufficiently disposed to 
 novelty. A desire of a change is the characteristic of the 
 multitude, at all times. And even if a man has no prospect 
 of ameliorating his condition, it helps a little that it is not 
 always the same. Though the next plank is as hard as that 
 on which a man lies, it is pleasant to roll upon it. It is a 
 great misfortune, when a restless spirit has a faculty of 
 haranguing; and still more so, if he has ideas, and can get 
 himself placed at the head of a, paper. He is restrained by 
 feelings of delicacy only in proportion as he wants terms to 
 express himself. If one of these should happen to^be of the 
 kingdom emphatically so called, because it has been but 
 nominally a kingdom for some ages, he brings the same 
 licence into his paper, that he showed at the fairs of Liffy or 
 
194 MODERN CHIVALRY. 
 
 Tipperary, with a shamrock in his hat and a shillelah in his 
 hand. Yet there is in the history of that people in their own 
 country, something greatly to be valued : their hospitality, 
 and generosity. An Irishman has no mean vices. He is 
 brave and open in his enmity ; and sets the law at defiance, 
 at the same time with the public opinion. 
 
 It is an old adage, an ounce of prevention is worth a pound 
 of cure, or, as the mock doctor of Smollet has it, Bestum est 
 curare distemptum ante habestum. 
 
 It is but a slovenly way of reforming a man to hang him. 
 Some indeed have their doubts whether it is lawful to hang a 
 man at all, or take away life in society. Certainly nothing 
 can justify it, but the necessity of self-preservation. If a 
 man has killed five hundred, and the remainder can be safe, 
 the necessity of taking away the life of the murderer ceases ; 
 and it is unreasonable to put him to death. But where a man 
 kills one, a presumption arises that he will kill two, and it is 
 on the principle of prevention that he is suspended, or 
 otherwise taken from society. The first murder is his ; the 
 second may be imputed to him whose business it was to 
 prevent, and who are the chosen guardians of the lives of 
 the people. Banishment ia unquestionably the proper 
 mulct to him who has forfeited the benefits of society. 
 The culprit may come back, and repeat his blows ; or he 
 may commit mischief in the place to which he is sent, or to 
 which he may come ; or another society may refuse to receive 
 him. But the Jewish lawgiver said, " Whosoever sheddeth 
 man's blood, by man shall his blood be shed ;" but if that is 
 to be taken strictly, hanging is no shedding blood ; and yet 
 the murderer is hung, not beheaded. 
 
 The meaning of this is predictive ; and as much as to say, 
 that in the natural course of things, the taking the life of a 
 man, leads to the loss of a man's own. But taking it even as 
 injunctive, and as pointing out that punishment which retri- 
 butary justice ought to inflict, it must be taken as applicable 
 to the Jews in the wilderness, whose unsettled life did not 
 
MODERN CHIVALRY. 19O 
 
 admit of places of confinement sufficiently safe to secure 
 offenders. While they were journeying from Kadesh Barnea 
 to Cushanrishatharim, they must be at a loss what to do with 
 the malefactor; and therefore it saved trouble to despatch 
 him from the world. In a country where the sitting is per 
 manent, to borrow a phrase from the French national assem 
 bly, and where strong buildings can be erected like the old 
 or new jail of Philadelphia, what necessity can there be to 
 put a man out of the world ? He can be put to work, and to 
 make some amends to the community for the life he has taken 
 away, and the expense of bringing him to punishment. As 
 for himself, is he not more punished by solitude, or labor, 
 than by the infliction of death ? Punishments, to be, just must 
 never be vindictive ; they may be retributive, but their legiti 
 mate object is the safety and peace of society; they must 
 therefore be preventive, and they ought to be associated with 
 the idea of the reform of the criminal himself. Considering 
 the influencs of associating one idea with another, by the 
 human mind, the degree of the penalty should be so marked 
 as to show the degree of the atrocity of the offence, in the 
 estimation of the community. It should neither be above nor 
 below the crime. There are many degrees on the scale, be 
 tween murder and misdemeanor. It does not follow, that if 
 left to a man's self, he would prefer confinement to death, 
 that for this reason, the punishment is lighter. lie has not 
 resolution to consult future happiness, by the enduring present 
 pain. But if it is left to a man to consider whether he would 
 wish to have his enemy confined, or to undergo instant death, 
 would he be willing that his adversary should escape ven 
 geance by getting speedily out of the world ? It might be a 
 satisfaction to him that the murderer should be doomed to 
 eternal punishment in the world to come ; but he is not sure 
 of this ; for the divines tell us that by faith and repentance 
 he may escape the penalties of the moral law; and when he 
 has him in a work-house, he is certain that he must work. 
 Besides, who can be of sq diabolical a nature as to be recon,-* 
 
196 MODERN CHIVALRY. 
 
 ciled even to a murderer being; doomed to everlastgni tor 
 ments ; and why not allow Lira space and opportunity to 
 repent, as much as the short life of man will allow, in a cell 
 of confinement, with nothing but bread and water, un 
 til he gives signs of repentance ? Be this as it may, from 
 all the examination I have been able to give my own mind, I 
 would think a man more punished who had murdered, to see 
 him in a cell than on a gallows ; what I would think if I had 
 been murdered myself, supposing me still to have the feelings 
 of humanity in another state, is a different question. I might 
 wish to have my adversary with me there, in order to retali 
 ate, and to have the gratification of retributary vengeance. 
 Unquestionably it must be a feeling of this nature, and a 
 putting one's self in the place of a murdered person, that can 
 lead to an idea that it is but justice to the dead that the mur 
 derer should die. It is but an innovation in the common law 
 of our ancestors, the Saxons, to put to death, when a compen 
 sation could be made to the public, and to the relations of the 
 deceased, for the injury done, in taking away the life of an 
 individual. It seems to be a dictate of nature ; for the early 
 ages of man, in all countries, sanctions this mode of atoning 
 for injuries, not excepting murder itself. Where there was 
 a community of goods, compensation could not be made in 
 this way, and confinement and hard labor would be the only 
 punishment.* 
 
 If, however, after all that can be said, life must go for life, 
 I dislike the mode of taking it. The sus. p&r col. is an ugly 
 minute on the docket. I do not know that they could have 
 done better before the invention of gunpowder ; for behead 
 ing is not much better, if not rather more shocking, from the 
 mutilation of the body. I would prefer shooting ; at least, if 
 I were to die myself by order of the law, that would be my 
 
 * It is the mode of punishment among- the Circassians. Among 
 our Indians the law of retaliation prevails, unless it can be com 
 muted for a compensation to the family of the deceased. 
 
MODERN CHIVALRY. 197 
 
 choice ; and through the breast rather than the head ; for I 
 would not choose to have the human countenance disfigured. 
 I saw once four deserters shot, sitting on their coffins, and 
 their graves dug beside them, and yet with these terrific cir 
 cumstances, I thought them killed mildly, in comparison of 
 being put to death by the halter. The guillotine is too ap 
 palling on account of the apparatus. My mode of death, 
 were it left to my choice, I mean death forced, would be to 
 fall by a pistol shot by the hand of a mild compassionate 
 female, dressed in white muslin, who would have fortitude to 
 be unmoved ; because, in that case, death would be present 
 ed with as little terror as the nature of the case would admit. 
 "To paint death as we do, is an injustice," says the Due de 
 Ligne. " We should present it in the shape of a tall, vener 
 able, mild snd serene matron, with traces of beauty left on 
 her countenance, and her arms opened gracefully to receive 
 us. This is the emblem of repose after a sad life, replete 
 with anxieties and storms." 
 
 I will admit, that the sudden impression, the theatrical 
 effect, so to speak, of a public execution, is calculated to 
 strike the multitude ; but it is passing, and as to the deter 
 ring from the commission of crimes, no punishment can have 
 any great effect. We must begin with the mind and heart 
 of the citizen ; we must begin with the child ; and then there 
 must be a police sufficiently extensive with the adult, without 
 interfering with liberty. Prevention should be the great 
 point; but this is the great problem yet unsolved. How 
 does the farmer save his crop ? By seeing that his cattle 
 contract no bad habits by stabling them and keeping good 
 fences. There is no doubt the time when a more vigilant, 
 if not more energetic police, will be required.* All depends 
 upon the ways and means of preventing; caution a priore is 
 
 * With us, at present, capital punishment may be said to bo 
 limited to one single crime murder in the first degree. The only 
 reason for retaining this is, that a less punishment may lessen the 
 honor of the crime in the public mind. 
 
198 MODERN CHIVALRY. 
 
 the most effectual. I have weighed a good deal in my mind, 
 the speeches of Julius Csesar and Cato, in the Roman Senate, 
 on the sentence to be passed on the conspirators, the associ 
 ates of Cataline. That of Cato prevailed, "which was for put 
 ting them to death ; and with good reason, on that ocaasion, 
 which was in the midst of an insurrection, and when a confi 
 dence in the power of government was to be expressed, and 
 the audacious intimidated, showing them what those who had 
 the administration dared to do, against those who had so 
 many of the populace on their side ; and because also, in these 
 perturbed times, there was no sure keeping them; they might 
 have got out of custody in a short time, and have gone to in 
 crease the numbers of the traitors. Self preservation, in this 
 case necessity, dictated the putting out of life; yet it is 
 remarkable with what delicacy the Eoman consul expresses 
 the event, walking down to the Forum after their execution : 
 " Vixeunt," they have lived. The Greeks also, in their mode 
 of expressing the last offices, speak of having accompanied 
 the departed a little way on their journey. "Odou eraarme. 
 nen," the appointed journey. What an impression must we 
 have of the manners of those times, when torture preceded 
 death, and death itself was accompanied with all the horror 
 of circumstances ? May not the time come, when the putting 
 to death, at all, unless in extreme cases, such as those alluded 
 to, will be felt as the proof of an uncivilized state of society . 
 and a remnant of barbarity still retained by the prejudices 
 of the vulgar ? 
 
 CHAPTER XXXIV. 
 
 Further of the visionary philosopher. Teague goes to Jus own 
 hand, like Noctra Muttin's dog. 
 
 THE visionary philosopher had not yet abandoned his pro 
 ject of civilizing the brute creation, and teaching them the 
 
MODERN CHIVALRY. 199 
 
 arts and sciences. He had caught a young panther, and, 
 with a chain about his neck, had put it to study law with a 
 young man of that profession, who wishing to get forward 
 in the business, thought it could do him no harm, though it 
 might not do the panther much good to undertake the task. 
 But there were those who bore testimony against this, being 
 of opinion that lawyers were bad enough, even when made 
 of the best materials. This idea was supported by some 
 sensible men, who could not conceive that this animal of the 
 cat kind could ever be brought to be capable of explaining a 
 matter to the jury, or stating a point of law to the court. 
 
 The visionary philosopher taking fire at this opposition to 
 his discovery, invention, or improvement, or what else it 
 might be called, exclaimed abundantly. What is it, said he, 
 whether he may be ever able to explain himself intelligibly 
 at the bar ? Cannot he grin, bite * 
 
 It had come to the knowledge of the people, or, at least, 
 was projected in the mean time, that after the proclamation 
 for scalps, and the hunt which took place in consequence of 
 it, the governor had been guilty of the most manifest parti 
 ality in screening the bog-trotter, who was as much liable 
 as any person, no one having been more noisy in the beer 
 houses, and active at town meetings, to bring about a con 
 vention, than he had been, with the exception of Thady 
 O'Connor, who had taken the benefit of the insolvent act ; 
 and a few others who had been refused tavern licences atjihe 
 sessions. It was thought to be a ground of impeachment to 
 connive at the secreting any one on such occasion. 
 
 The fact was, the governor was as innocent of the charge 
 as any one among themselves, and so he declared to them ; 
 that for a considerable time past, he had ceased to have a 
 control over the bog-trotter; that like Noctra Mullin's dog, 
 he had been at his own hand these six weeks ; that is, since 
 he got in to be constable. 
 
 The affair was like to take a very serious turn, and the 
 people would not be satisfied: when Angus M'Donald, the 
 
200 MODERN CHIVALY. 
 
 Scotch gardener, having knocked down the panther that 
 was studying law, and taken off a piece of hide, came for 
 ward with it, saying it was little matter what had been done 
 with Teague on the occasion alluded to, since he had put the 
 law in force against him just now, and scalped him himself, 
 as they might see by the red hair, and the blood. There is 
 nothing sooner softens a passion, or calms a mad multitude, 
 than yielding to it. Hence the fury abated in a moment ; 
 and when it occurred to them that their remonstrance to 
 the governor had been the occasion of the tragedy, they began 
 to blame themselves as having been too precipitate in their 
 representations. 
 
 The difficulty now occurred, what to do with the bog-trot 
 ter. For it would not be safe that he should remain in the 
 government, and that it should be visible that the scalping 
 had been but a substitution, and not the genuine exuviae of 
 the man. Harum Scarum was of the opinion that it was 
 best to knock him down in reality, and take his scalp to the 
 people, laying the deception at the door of the Scotchman, 
 as it really ought. The governor was opposed to that, as it 
 was to save him from an impeachment that Angus, with 
 great presence of mind, had bethought himself of the strat 
 agem, to divert the fury of the populace. 
 
 But the visionary philosopher, in the mean time, enraged 
 at the murder of his crony panther, and the lawyer with 
 whom he was studying, dissatisfied, or seeming to be so, the 
 circumstance was explained to the people. But they thought 
 enough had been done for once, and that it was not necessary 
 to pursue the matter farther. In fact, some of them were in 
 the secret, and meant only pastime from the beginning. 
 
 However, thinking it might not be amiss to be out of the 
 way for a while, the bog-trotter was sent over the hill to dig 
 potatoes, at the farm of Niel M'Shaw, a neighboring farmer. 
 
MODERN CHIVALRY, 201 
 
 CHAPTER XXXV. 
 
 Democratic power unbalanced, is tJie despotism of the many 
 instead of one. Impeachment. 
 
 SOME may think that in my allusion to impeachment I 
 may have in view what has happened in this state. It is 
 probable, or rather certain, that it is this which has led me 
 to think upon the subject, and to introduce it in a picture of 
 democratic government, such as I am now describing. But 
 if it is infered from thence, that I approve or condemn what 
 has taken place in this State, it will be unfair ; or at least a 
 misconception. For I do not mean that any inferences, fav 
 orable or unfavorable, should be made from it. On the con 
 trary, I am far from reprobating the power of impediment 
 in the constitution, or finding fault with a discreet use of it in 
 practice. Impeachment is the most salutary principle of the 
 constitution. But that must be real. There must be re 
 sponsibility to some authority that can impeach. Mere re 
 sponsibility to the public voice, is not what I mean; party 
 may screen the guilty. The senate itself is too near the 
 popular voice; I would join the judiciary with it, and one- 
 third of the popular branch sufficient to bring to trial. I 
 look upon it, as the means of avoiding tumults, and assassina 
 tions. When dissatisfaction with the conduct of public 
 officers, is suffered to show itself, and to have a vent in this 
 way, the public mind, having an opportunity of hearing 
 grievances discussed, and getting to know the real demerit, 
 good or bad of the functionary, is more likely to be satisfied, 
 and it is safer for the object of the obloquy. Nor, on exam 
 ination, will it be found, that in many cases, where there 
 is a public dissatisfaction with an officer, there has not "been 
 eoine foundation laid ; if not in tho very particular that is 
 vol. 4, 17 
 
202 MODERN CHIVALRY. 
 
 made the subject of inquiry, yet in some other that has led 
 to it. As for instance ; even in the case of Scipio Africanus, 
 where, perhaps, a just cause has been the least suspected to 
 have existed of all instances of a great man impeached, that 
 are to be found in history. Yet if any one will read Livy 
 attentively, in his account of the way in which this young 
 man came forward in publip life, he may forsee the vexations 
 he experienced after he had accomplished great things for 
 the commonwealth. His error was a premature competition 
 for office. Before the age allowed by law, he set up for the 
 Edile-ship and carried it by the undue favor of the populace. 
 * Si me, omnes Quirites cdilem facere volunt, satis annorum 
 habeo." How arrogant the expression; how insulting to the 
 tribunes and Fabius Maximas, and others of the senate who 
 opposed it I His offering himself for proconsulate in Spain 
 before his 24th year " quatuor et viginti annos ferme natus, 
 professus sepetere," was more excusable from the occasion. 
 
 But it was in some degree by an affectation of religion 
 and arts of dissimulation, that he had prepared the public 
 mind, to favor his premature pretentions. From the time 
 that he had put on the toga virilis to this, he had been 
 preparing the minds of the people. There was no day, 
 before he did say any thing private or public, but that he 
 went into the capital, and entering a temple, sat down, and 
 for the most part alone, in secret, and spent there some time. 
 This custom, which was preserved through his whole life, 
 whether designedly, or that it so happened, procured credit 
 to the opinion published by some, that he was a man of a 
 divine stock, and brought up the story before common, of 
 Alexander the Great, and equal to it in fable and variety, 
 that he had been conceived of a huge dragon, which had 
 been seen in the bed with his mother; and which tale he 
 increased by the art of neither contradicting nor assenting. 
 
 On his return from Spain, after the expiration of his pro 
 consulate, he was willing to have accepted a triumph, though 
 at that day, there had been no instance of any one triumph- 
 
MODERN CHIVALRY. 203 
 
 Ing, for whatever successes, unless he had the command in 
 chief; or, as the historian expressess it, qui sine magistratu 
 res gessisset. It is true, it is said that " the hope of a triumph 
 was rather tried than obstinately persisted in." But it shows 
 a too great forwardness to catch at honors. But the inordi 
 nate nature of his ambition was too evident on his obtaining 
 the consulship. : He grasped at Africa for his province, 
 though not according to his lot, ' ' wdla jam modica gloria 
 contentus" And this he said openly, he would carry by the 
 people, even if the senate set themselves against it. He 
 made his words good, and the senate, with all the authority 
 and reputation of Fabius Maximus, venerable from age and 
 wisdom, and others aged likewise and experienced, were 
 bullied by the tribunes and people into acquiescence.* 
 
 I cannot help considering his conduct in procuring the 
 province of Africa for his brother Lucius, having Laslius for 
 his colleague in the consulship, who equally was ambitious 
 of that designation, as extremely indelicate in throwing his 
 weight into the scale, in the deliberation of the senate be- 
 
 *In the two great Roman historians, Livy and Tacitus, we see 
 depicted the faults of the republic, by the "first, and the crime of 
 despotism by the latter. Livy wrote near the time of Augustus, 
 before the republic had entirely ceased to exist ; he displays the 
 follies of the people, in the internal dissentions of the commons 
 and the patricians, but also presents the records of noble actions, 
 in the virtuous and great deeds of the republic, and of individuals. 
 What, a contrast, with the horrors, long continued, of gloomy 
 despotism under the Caesars! Those books should be read for 
 the contrast. If any one should grow weary of the republic, 
 let him read Tacitus. Nothing surprises me more tlian the 
 ideas of some modern extreme radicals, who propose to sink 
 the dignity and importance of the individual, by melting him 
 down into the aggregate of our association. This is the level, 
 degrading slavery, produced by such a despotism as that of 
 Koine under the emperors. What a contrast to the numerous 
 instances of distinguished individuals under the republic. It 
 is true, there was the constant struggle between the Patricians 
 and Commons ; but we are all patricians, or. if you please, all 
 commons. Distinction is altogether personal ; iu the words of 
 the poet ; 
 
 " Honor and shame from no condition rise." 
 
204 MODERN CHIVALRY. 
 
 tween the two, by offering to serve under his brother as his 
 lieutenant ; if they would prefer his brother. By this means, 
 and by his previous advice to his brother in submitting the 
 matter to the senate, rather than to the chance of a lot, and 
 thus having it in his mind to use the address of offering his 
 services in a subordinate capacity, which was in fact, ob 
 taining the command for himself, he fixed in the minds of 
 the principal men much chagrin and dislike. And deserv 
 edly ; for ambition is self-love ; and when it is at the ex 
 pense of others, it is odious. Every man in a community has 
 what may be ranked among the imperfeet rights in seciety, 
 a right to have his age considered, in pretension to office ; 
 and not to be intruded upon by the coming generation before 
 its time ; much less to have power engrossed even by virtue 
 itself, or the most distinguished ability.: For the keeping the 
 flame of public spirit burning, is the vital principle of 
 republican government, to which there is nothing more 
 smothering than inequality in the chance of obtaining offices, 
 honors, and emoluments. And if the next generation come 
 on too soon, the seniors are pressed out, and lose their 
 chance. Nor is it only by the younger intruding that this 
 equality is effected, bat the usurping by those of any age, 
 of what is not equal. And I call it usurpation, where any 
 thing is obtained, what is more, where any thing is even 
 taken, that reasonably ought to go to another, in considera 
 tion of standing, ability, or services. If these are obtained 
 by popular favor, unduly coveted, what reason has the candi 
 date to complain, or good men to regret, if the same caprice 
 that has advanced, should, notwithstanding unimpeachable 
 conduct, nevertheless impeach ? We shall see that this was 
 the case with Scipio. 
 
 He was impeached by the tribunes of the people on a 
 charge of peculation, and converting the public money to his 
 own use, in which there was no truth'; but in the remainder 
 of the charge there was truth ; that he had .pushed himself 
 forward to foreign nations in a manner as if peace and war 
 
MODERN CHIVALRY. 205 
 
 with the Roman people depended upon him alone: That he 
 had gone out as a dictator to his brother rather than as a 
 lieutenant; and for nq other purpose, but that he might show 
 himself, and have it believed in the east, as he accomplished 
 in the west, that he should seem the head and the pillar of 
 the Roman empire: That a State, the mistress of the world, 
 should seem to be under the shade of his power:* That his 
 rod stood in place of the decrees of the senate, or the orders 
 of the people. 
 
 The charge of peculation he could easily answer: but 
 these things he could not answer ; nor was there anything 
 so definite in them, that strictly speaking, they could be 
 made the ground of an impeachment ; but it was easy to see 
 by reason of them, the alleged offence would be established 
 and which alone could come within the laws. He chose to 
 withdraw from the trial, and go into banishment. 
 
 If, in like manner, impeachments that have brought at 
 reproach upon republics were examined, it might be found 
 that in the greater part of them, bating sudden errors, and 
 mistakes incident to all human affairs, there would be found 
 though not the best foundation for the particular charge 
 alleged, and the sentence pronounced, yet remotely some 
 thing blameable, which had led to the making the charge in 
 question. 
 
 But even taking it as matters seem to be on the surfaco of 
 things, the wrongs of democracy and injustice of public char 
 acters, will be found to fall short of those under lurid despot 
 ism. For a view of this let the history of the Roman empire 
 by Livy, be compared with that of the same people under tbo 
 
 * " Stat magni nominis umbra, 
 
 Utfrugifero quercus sublimis in agroS Lucan. 
 
 The two last words in the first line form the celeBfated motto 
 of Junius. The allusion is to Pompey, undeothe shade of whose 
 name Rome reposed in security the field of corn under the 
 shade of the oak. 
 
 vol. 4 17.* 
 
206 MODERN CHIVALRY. 
 
 smperors, as we have it by the divine pen of Tacitus.* There 
 is no one who will consult the nature of things, OP look into 
 ^hat has taken place in popular governments, but will think 
 that there is greater chance for justice to an honest man, 
 than where this depends upon the caprice of an individual. 
 For it is not the despot himself that is alone to be dreaded ; 
 it is those he has about him, and will allege words spoken of 
 him, or acts done against his government ; when, in fact, it 
 is their own resentment, for something done, or said, or omit 
 ted to be done, or said, which they wish to gratify. 
 
 A despotic government is safer for a dishonest man, and 
 he has the best chance of coming forward there, where it is 
 not ability or integrity that recommends, but subserviency to 
 the passions of the prince. Wealth, too, must necessarily 
 have a wider scope of influence, and poverty more likely io 
 be more oppressed and abject. When I speak of the poor, I 
 do not mean the absolute pauper, but the comparatively 
 poor, or rather, the comparatively wealthy. The man who 
 can maintain himself by his labor, and have something 
 beside, is only less rich than the millionaire, and may be the 
 more independent and high-minded of the two. 
 
 But it is the rage of mere democracy that has brought re 
 proach upon republics ; democratic power unbalanced, is but 
 the despotism of many instead of one. It is the balancing 
 with stays and braces of distributed powers that gives safety. 
 This distribution of power is the highest effort of the mind 
 and yet you will find but few, who, like my bog-trotter, will 
 not conceive that they could form a constitution that would 
 give energy and guard liberty. It is this false idea, over 
 weening conceit, that I have it in view to ridicule. I am 
 willing to give it the whole force of my indignation, in pro- 
 
 *This chapter is wr.rth many a volume of formal dissertation. 
 The aoove sentence fairly contrasts democracy with despotism, 
 and serves to reconcile us to the unavoidable defects of our gov- 
 enment. Everything must be judged by comparison, and every 
 human work must partake of the imperfection of man. 
 
MODERN CHIVALRY 207 
 
 portion as I know the error, and the consequences. Let any 
 man look at a book published in this State, under the speci- 
 cions title of " Experience the test of government," and see 
 the crude conceptions that it contains; I do not know by 
 whom written, and he will be sensible of the consequences 
 of putting the moddeling of a constitution in such hands. 
 " I am not afraid of the people of Pennsylvania," said a 
 pompous orator to me. The fact was he had nothing to be 
 afraid of, unless they would take his scalp. Nor am I afraid 
 of them on my own account, but on theirs ; at least I am 
 afraid on their account, as well as my own. For the forma 
 tion of a government, is not a matter to which the bulk are 
 competent: or if they will indulge caprice in changing, and 
 they will go on to change; when ever achange is made, it will 
 be but a majority that is" satisfied, and perhaps that not great; 
 and it is to be expected that a portion of the majority, not 
 finding their account in the change, will associate with the 
 former minority, and hence a change, and so toties quoties, 
 until only one remains that is to be satisfied. Stability in in 
 stitutions, is the great end of all political wisdom. A con 
 tinual shifting, and changing of State policy, to the whim, 
 or passions of those in power, or of those who desire to get 
 into power, is bad enough, but a continual alteration of the 
 foundation of government is absolutely ruinous. I am not 
 an enemy to reform, and improvements, even with fundamen 
 tal law, but I wish to see them consistent with the general 
 stability of the system, to which, if suffered to stand the hab 
 its of the people will gradually conform, while the positive ad 
 vantages of one modification of the constitution over another, 
 as long as it is democratic, is very doubtful. 
 
 It will be said impeachment is of no use ; the constitution 
 being such, that a conviction cannot follow ; it requiring such 
 a proportion of the tribunal, before whom the impeachment 
 comes to trial, to be of a mind. Is it nothing even in the 
 case of an acquittal, to be scared half to death ? Even on a 
 representation of the people, and a citation before a commit- 
 
208 MODERN CHIVALRY. 
 
 tee of the House of Representatives, one may as well be halt 1 
 hanged, as to undergo the terror. 
 
 Can any one, looking at the Quarter Sessions, think that 
 there is no good by trying, even where there is no condemna^ 
 tion? I have known many a man tried, that I thought guilty 
 in the letter of the law, and perhaps in spirit, but if acquitted 
 by the exclusion of testimony not legal, or the leaning of the 
 jury on the side of himself, or otherwise, I did not think there 
 was nothing in the having brought to trial, and shaken the 
 prisoner well over the indictment, or rather the indictment 
 over him. He might reform, and it would be a warning to him.* 
 
 It is possible, that something like oppression and tyranny, 
 or bordering on these, both to people and bar, may have 
 been'complained of in judges, with some cause, in times past, 
 Is it to be supposed that what has taken place, has contribu 
 ted nothing to arrest, or remove this grievance ? Would not 
 the oppression and tyranny seem to have veered to the other 
 side now, and to be found in some degree, if not with the 
 peuple, at least ivith the bar? It has seemed to me to be sc> 
 and it is therefore, but an emanation of my feelings when 
 I portray in my imagination the disorder of untamed animals 
 admitted to be advocates. It is doubtless a caricature of what 
 I mean, but a thing has usually some access in it, to be felt 
 as the proper subject of a caricature. While the lawyer has 
 it in his power to influence his client ; and even to excuse his 
 own ignorance or errors, by the loss of a cause, upon a judge, 
 or alleging oppression, the client can apply to a House of 
 Representatives, and the judge, of course, be brought down 
 with facility, the presumption is, that he will bear a great 
 deal of impertinence, impudence, and irregularity, before 
 he will think it advisable to endanger the running the gaunti 
 let, by entering into a contest with a powerful member ol" 
 the bar. I do not mean powerful in point of talents; for 
 
 * A loyal Scotch clergyman offered up the following prayer 
 against Bonaparte, " Take him gude Lord and shake him weal o'er 
 the bottomless pit hut dinna just let him fa' in." 
 
MODERN CHIVALRY. 209 
 
 there is nothing to be apprehended from men of ability it is 
 from the uninformed that the difficulty arises ; and insults are 
 received from them, because it is in the instinct of their na 
 tures, to cover their defects by noise and arrogance; or, from a 
 want of knowledge, they think themselves monstrously wrong 
 ed, when they have the fairest hearing, and the fullest justice. 
 The suitors of the court, the jurors, the circumstantibus, or 
 bystanders, complain of the length of speech in the lawyers, 
 and of the judges for suffering them. There was a time 
 when the judges might have taken some liberty in restraining, 
 or at least in frowning on diffusiveness of explanation : but 
 more caution must be used now, lest offence should be given; 
 judges being more under the weather than formerly. A pru 
 dent man in a judicial station, will bear for the present, what 
 he will not always bear ; because he will discern that this is 
 not the time to make head ; but that after some time, the 
 current may begin to set in a different direction ; and that 
 may then succeed which now would but strengthen the tide. 
 Besides, it is difficult to say when the speech is too long; and 
 it may be a question whether the court ought to be suffered 
 to judge of that. The constitution provides that a man shall 
 be heard " by himself or his counsel ;" but it does not say 
 how long he fshall be heard. Admit the court may have 
 a right to say, that the speech has been long enough as to 
 them, have they a right to say that it has been long enough 
 for the jury? How can they tell whether the jury are satis 
 fied ? What is more ; is it the court or jury that have the 
 right to say, that they have heard enough; or is the suitor or 
 his counsel who have a right to say, we have not been suffi 
 ciently heard ? Tyranny and oppression, in refusing to hear, 
 may be charged ; and thus it is a matter that mast depend 
 a good deal upon the temper of the times, and upon a discreet 
 discernment of what is practicable, on particular occasions, or 
 with particular persons, that a judge must determine what 
 to do. A man of sense at the bar, is easily manageable ; 
 but a weak man is as difficult to manage, as the visionary 
 philosopher's panther. 
 
210 MODERN CHIVALRY. 
 
 Do our representatives in our legislative bodies, always con 
 fine themselves to the point, though they may to the question? 
 In other words, is it possible to keep them, in order, though 
 it may be to call them to order? Is it found possible to abridge 
 their harangues while breath and strength of lung lasts ? If 
 those whose business is not speaking, can find such facility in 
 prolonging a discourse, what may not be expected of such as 
 are more in the habit, and without fatigueing themselves, 
 can speak interminably ? Were our orators in the legisla 
 tive bodies as much in the hearing of the people, as the 
 advocates of our courts, they might be complained of as 
 much for the length of their speeches. In the courts, it is no 
 uncommon thing for the judges to express a weariness of the 
 tediousness of counsel: and sometimes to attempt to bring 
 them to the point, and to abridge their harangues ; but it 
 will seldom, if ever, be found to answer any end but to pro 
 long the discussion; for if you restrain at one point, there will 
 be an overflowing at another ; and it being like to come to an 
 altercation, which is indecent, it will seem best to give up 
 the contest, and let the thing take its course. The line is so 
 delicate between unseasonable interruption by the court in 
 calling to the point, and what is justifiable, that it is difficult 
 tofix it without doing injustice, and impossible without giving 
 dissatisfaction. In human affairs, there is no reaching the 
 perfect in the application of principle. All that can be done 
 is to come as near it as possible, by a just discernment of 
 circumstances. What is done, may be blamed ; but there 
 might be more blame, had the contrary been done. 
 
 CHAPTER XXXVI. 
 
 In ivhich the subject of impeachment is gravely pursued. 
 THE power of impeachment, I repeat, is the most salutary 
 
,Y : 
 MODERN CHIVALRY. 211 
 
 principle of a free government.* Where there is a full scope 
 for this, there is no danger of convulsions: and there is a 
 prospect that the constitution may be preserved. Injus 
 tice may be done : no doubt of that, and injustice a thousand 
 times, has been done. But it is the fortune de guerre ; the 
 fate of war ; in other words, a tacit condition of the accep 
 tance of an office. It Js a maxim of law, qui sentit commo- 
 dum sentire debet et onus. A good book might be written on 
 the history of impeachments. It would be instructive, and 
 might be entertaining. 
 
 I would like to see the sentiment I have broached, fully de 
 veloped; and the history of impeached characters so far traced, 
 as to see whether some conduct in a public capacity, or 
 in the ways and means of getting a public office, or appoint 
 ment, had not laid the foundation of the ultimate prosecution. 
 The presumption is, that the shoe must have pinched some 
 where, to have produced that uneasiness which has been felt; 
 and which has terminated in a public accusation. And in 
 some particular, perhaps, in which the individual may have 
 deserved commendation rather than blame ; but upon which 
 it has been thought the more practicable to succeed, taking 
 into view the prejudices of the times. Such an investigation 
 of causes and effects, might save the character of democratic 
 governments from such blame. I admit it would not perfectly 
 justify the impeaching for one cause, while another was more 
 in the minds of the public ; but it would account for it, and 
 excuse it. One is less shocked at the imprisonment and 
 fine of Miltiades, when we recollect his demand of an olive 
 crown after the battle of Marathon. It was answered to him, 
 " when you shall conquer alone, it will be time enough to ask 
 
 * So it was thought at the time of framing the constitution, but 
 it has become, as respects the chief magistrate, a dead letter. Un 
 less, in the anomalous case of a President with both Houses of 
 Congress opposed to him, the premise could not be carried into 
 effect. Napoleon and his nephew, Louis, destroyed all responsi 
 bility, by taking all responsibility, that is by assuming all power 
 in themselves, and consequently responsible to no one. The idea 
 of an American President, and of Louis Napoleon, I take the 
 " 'responsibility," was the same. 
 
212 MODERN CHIVALRY. 
 
 to have honors paid you alone." It may easily be seen, from 
 his coveting this distinction, that his ambition was not suffi 
 ciently regulated ; and it may be inferred, that the like spirit , 
 exhibited in other instances, may hare given just offence to 
 a people jealous of equality. 
 
 I have known a man in office, whose sordid mind in money 
 matters, appeared to me to render him undeserving of an of 
 fice ; and though this could not render him liable to any im 
 peachment ; yet, if he were impeached for something bor 
 dering on what was impeachable, there would be a predispo 
 sition to be reconciled to his being found guilty. For no 
 man deserves an office in a republic, that is mean in money 
 matters, and is justly chargeable with a sordid economy. 
 
 Inordinate self-love in the accumulation of office, in a sin 
 gle family, is at all times obnoxious to popular dislike ; and 
 the most upright discharge of a public function, will not 
 atone for the engrossing money in one's own person, or that 
 of connections. 
 
 One consideration ought to go a great way in reconciling 
 the public mind, in a popular government, to the bearing 
 these things when they occur, that nature is constantly act 
 ing to remove the grievance by death, and in this way to 
 bring about rotation in office. Combinations will be broken 
 by the quiet operation of this general law ; pluralities will 
 disappear ; and the poor devil that is disgracing himself by 
 a nearness that is contemptible, cannot always live to enjoy, 
 if he may be ever said to enjoy the savings of his penury. 
 In the mean time, it is a satisfaction, that if the general con 
 tempt is not felt by him, it is felt by every one else. 
 
 Where a man is liberal in his private dealings, and contri 
 butes to objects of utility, according to his means, he is 
 thought to be deserving of office, and his generosity and pub 
 lic spirit, like charity, will cover a multitude of sins. It is 
 rare that sueh a character becomes the subject of popular 
 persecution. Where indeed his liberality is but the stilt of 
 his ambition ; and this is indulged so as to wound the self- 
 love of others ; we need not wonder if it draws persecution. 
 
MODERN CHIVALRY. 213 
 
 The most manly thing I know in the histery of the Roman 
 senate, is the impeaching Manlius Capitolinus. Generosity 
 and public spirit on his part had showed itself to be but the 
 stilt of ambition. That is, it was not public spirit, but inor 
 dinate self-love. He had saved Rome in defending the capi- 
 tol ; but he was not satisfied with the consciousness of this, 
 and the gratitude of his country on all occasions expressed ; 
 but he must be the only man of any name in the State. With 
 a view to this, what were his arts ? Affecting to be the advo 
 eate of all confined for debt ; paying debts himself for some 
 vrith ostentation; showing his wounds and scars, and per 
 petually talking of defending the capitol; harangueing against 
 the senate, and charging them with concealing the public 
 treasures: remonstrating with the community on their not 
 knowing their own strength, and doing themselves justice in 
 the government. From these arts, such was his influence with 
 the body of the people, that even the dictator, Cornelius Cras- 
 sus, the second after Romulus, who had taken the spolia opi- 
 ma, and who was created dictator for this purpose, amongst, 
 others, of checking the sedition, dreaded it more than the 
 war against the Volsci, which he was obliged first to meet. 
 For though returning victorious over the enemy, and armed 
 with the honor of a triumph, yet he considered the contest at 
 home as the more formidable ; and though he had ordered 
 him into custody; yet had not thought it advisable to proceed 
 farther against him. It was thought that his abdicating the 
 dictatorate, which he did at this time, was owing to his not 
 choosing to meet the tempest that was breaking out on behalf 
 of this demagogue to liberate him from the prison. The 
 counsels now chosen and the senate, were in consternation, 
 when, at the proposition of the two tribunes of the people, 
 Marcus Moenius, and Quintus Publius, the bold measure was 
 adopted of charging him before the people themselves, and 
 bringing him to an impeachment. The result was that the 
 very people rallying onward to support him, were arrested in 
 a moment at the idea of guilt charged upon him, and them 
 vol.4 ,1 8. 
 
214 MODERN CHIVALRY. 
 
 selves made the judges. What was the charge ? Why sim 
 ply that of attempting to destroy the balance of government, 
 by inflaming the populace, and running down the senate. 
 Yet strange as it may seem, this very populace, who were al-, 
 leged to be the subjects of his arts, and the means of his 
 treason, in a fair examination found him guilty ; and in or 
 der to stamp his conduct with perpetual disgrace, it was pro 
 vided that no one of the family of Manlius, should ever bear 
 the name of Marcus, which was his name. He was thrown 
 from the Tarpeian rock like the vilest of criminals. 
 
 CHAPTER XXXVII. 
 
 Experiments of the visionary philosopher. The school is bro 
 ken up by a summary process. 
 
 THE visionary philosopher, having as we have seen, put 
 himself at the head of an institution for teaching beasts, had 
 collected sundry of what he considered the most docile ani 
 mals. He had in his academy, as it might be called, under 
 scholastic discipline, a baboon, a pet squirrel, a young bear, 
 and half a dozen of pigs, &e. &c. The squirrel, as in the 
 case of young masters, with the sons of rich people, he en 
 couraged or coaxed, to get his task by giving him nuts to 
 crack ; and the pigs, by giving them rinds of pompions, or 
 parings of apples ; the bear and the baboon in like manner, 
 by something in their way : a 'id so with all the others. Some 
 he intimidated by the ferule and the birch. He was instruct 
 ing them according to the Lancasterian mode, or method, to 
 make marks on sand, and to write before they began to read.* 
 
 * I will produce an instance almost equal to the visionary phi 
 losopher, in a late author's work on mesmerism, who is per 
 fectly serious. " It happened me one day to magnetise a cat for 
 an entire hour. I sweat large drops of sweat at it. At length I 
 fancied I had succeeded, when the fall of a dish suddenly dissipa 
 ted the illusion. The villainous beast which feigned to sleep, now 
 flew off my knees. Another experiment was tried on a young 
 dog, which after a dozen passes, seemed to sleep. But was it the 
 magnetic sleep ?" 
 
MODERN CHIVALRY, 215 
 
 Things were going on very well, to all appearance, and to 
 the satisfaction of the tutor, when a catastrophe, which now 
 took place, brought the matter to a conclusion. It wa not 
 .from the lady who had brought the pet squirrel to be 
 taught, though she had expressed some impatience at the fa 
 vorite not making a more rapid progress, because she was 
 sure it had genius. But she had forbidden the professor to 
 use the rod ; and what ground could she have to expect a close 
 application, and a quickness of perception without a stimulus 
 to the mind, by the feelings of the body ? However, it was 
 not from the lady taking away her scholar, or that of any of 
 the other employer and subscribers withdrawing their rab 
 bits, or other students, but from that wicked fellow, Will 
 Watlin, followed by Harum Scarum with a switch, who, break 
 ing into the menagerie, exclaimed to the professor, or princi 
 pal; it is not of much consequence now which he is called: 
 What, said he to the master of the hall, is it in imitation of 
 your pupils, that you are in your bare buff? Sans cullottes, 
 have you nothing to cover your nakedness ? Had you put 
 yourself in your sherry vallies, or overalls, there would have 
 been some decency Everything is French now-a-days. Is it 
 French that you are teaching these to speak or write? I see 
 a baboon there ; Louis, I suppose, is his name. He will 
 learn French fast enough, if that is all you have put upon his 
 hands. He was a Frenchman as far back as Arbuthnot. The 
 squirrel may chatter something, and it may sound to us like 
 French. Do you mean to make the bear a parles-vous? No 
 wonder that the two John Bulls, senior and junior, the old 
 and the New England, should talk of French influence. Do 
 you expect your pigs will make officers under Bonaparte, in 
 terpreters, perhaps ? I would have you know that we have 
 too much French amongst us already. If the French should 
 come over to us in an oyster-shell ; for I do not see what else 
 they have to come over in ; and this they could not do unless, 
 like Scotch witches, there might be some use in currying fa 
 vor with Napoleon. 
 
216 MODERN CHIVALRY. 
 
 But is the discipline of your school correct, even if there 
 was something to be taught that would be of use in science, 
 in agriculture, or in commerce ? Do you instruct them in 
 history or good breeding ; to keep their persons clean, to 
 pare their nails, and shavfc their beards those of them that 
 are grown gentlemen ? That fellow there the racoon, does 
 not appear to me to have had his beard shaved these two 
 weeks. Do you keep him from spitting on the floor, and other 
 indecencies? Do you permit him to chew tobacco? It is 
 true, I do not see any of them, with a cigar in his teeth, like 
 the American monkies and oppossums, the greater part of 
 them of a bad family education ; and so farewell. Bat that 
 mongrel between the terrier and the pointer breed, with a col 
 lar on his neck, may be said to have a collar without a shirt 
 to it. Away with you, away. 
 
 With that Will Watlin drawing his wattle, and Harum 
 Scarum using his switch, they began to lay about them. The 
 monkey leaped, the pigs squealed, the squirrel chattered and 
 ran into his cage, the bear growled, the pointer howled, &c. 
 &c. &c. The education was thus interrupted, and the insti 
 tution broken up. 
 
 CHAPTER XX XV III. 
 
 Teague complains of neglect, and desires a better office. 
 
 THE bog-trotter complaining of neglect, alleging his servi 
 ces at the original, establishment of the government in trail 
 ing a pine log, and thereby intimidating the populace at his 
 coming to the settlement, the Governor was constrained to 
 give him an office ; and selecting one for which he thought 
 he might be, in some respects, qualified, he made him an auc 
 tioneer. It could not be said that he had not a pretty strong 
 voice: and in knocking down an article with his mallet, 
 ''once, twice, three times," with the assistance of a clerk, the 
 sales were pretty rapidly effected. Occasionally he made a 
 blunder, as knocking down a frying pan, and at anotheivtime 
 
MODERN CHIVALRY. 217 
 
 a brass kettle, he run too long, because the sound pleased 
 him. All agreed that he made aprejty good vendue master 
 with the aid of his clerk: but still he was not satisfied ; and 
 an ambassador being about to be appointed to the Barbary 
 powers, he was willing to go to Algiers, Tunis, or Tripoli. 
 His friends favored his pretension, Thady O'Connor, and some 
 others, who had an expectation of accompanying; Thady as 
 secretary, and others in different offices. The Governor re 
 sisted the application on tha ground that one office was enough 
 at a time. His resignation even would not justify it ; be 
 cause it would look as if there was a penury of men of talents, 
 when it behooved to take one from his duty, as if another 
 person could not be found who was as well qualified. The 
 junto spoke of the appointment of John Jay to the court of 
 London, while he was chief justice, not resigning ; and of 
 Ellsworth, also a chief justice, in a similar situation. 
 These things were all wrong, said the Governor. 
 Could Washington do wrong? said a stickler on the side 
 of the bog-trotter. Yes, said the Governor, and Adams and 
 Jefferson too. I will not say but my bog-trotter might make 
 a very good ambassador, with instructions and the advantage 
 of a secretary ; but is Teague O'Regan alone, in all the land, 
 to be siLgled out for this trust? After searching the whole 
 country from Dan to Beer-Sheba, can I find no other that can 
 sustain the weight of this negotiation? If I do appoint him, 
 he must resign his place as auctioneer ; and does he know 
 that the Algerines are Turks ? And if he goes there, I mean^ 
 to the Barbary coast, he must be circumcised, and loose- 
 Loose what? said Thady O'Connor. 
 
 I will not say what, said the Governor ; but you may guess. 
 There is more effect in a hint, than when the story is spo 
 ken out ; and therefore Thady, and the auctioneer also, their 
 imagination outrunning their judgment, and their fears their 
 ambition, concluded it would be best to stick to the hammer 
 and for Teague to remain crier of vendues, and Thady O'Con 
 nor clerk. 
 
 vol. 4, 18.* 
 
218 MODERN CHIVALRY. 
 
 CHAPTER XXXIX. 
 
 Why is there more talent in the new settlement than in the old ? 
 
 WHAT is the reason that there is usually more talent in 
 the new settlements than in the old ? Is it the fact ? That 
 would lead to a discussion of some delicacy, and induce com 
 parison, which according to the proverb is odious. But there 
 is doubtless some ground for the assertion, that our ablest or 
 ators, and best generals, have come from the West, or the 
 new States. Washington, and Patrick Henry, may be re 
 garded as frontier men. Harrison, Brown, and Jackson, have 
 been our best generals, during the present war.* Clay, of 
 Kentucky, is rapidly rising in fame ; Crawford, and a relative 
 of mine, John Brackenridge, are among the best speakers in 
 Congress. But admitting this superiority to be a fact, can 
 any cause be assigned ? Sometimes it is accident. Salust 
 in his introduction to the Bellum Catalinum, asks, how came 
 it that the Roman State rose to such eminence, the Greek be 
 ing before it in the arts, and the Gauls in valor ? Reflecting 
 on the subject he resolves it unto the circumstances, of a few 
 great men having risen in it. 
 
 Nevertheless, though it may sometimes be a matter of cas 
 ualty, yet it would seem to me, that it cannot well be other 
 wise, but that in new countries, the human genius will receive 
 a spring, which it cannot have in the old. But the cause lies 
 deeper ; and in this the strongest minds, and the most enter 
 prising, go there. The men who go forth to seek their for 
 tunes gives proof of superior innate energy and vigor. They 
 are thrown upon the vigor of their own intellect, and are 
 necessarily reself liant. Why is it that subterranean fire 
 
 *The author died in 1810, these few last chapters, were writ 
 ten a year before his death. 
 
MODERN CHIVALRY. 219 
 
 bursts from the earth, but that it has an energy that breaks 
 through obstructions, and ascends to a higher element ? The 
 plodding cub stays at home, while the more active taterde- 
 mallion, quits his parental roof, and goes to build a cabin, in 
 the wild woods' of Tennessee, or elsewhere. The same elas 
 ticity and spirit of mind which brought him there, gives him 
 distinction where he is. The independence of his situation 
 contributes to this ; fettered by no obligation, and kept down 
 by superiority of standing. Why is it in the arts, that an 
 age of great men, cannot but be succeeded by an inferiority 
 of power ? This holds true in poetry, which is the province 
 of the imagination. Why did the slaves on a certain occasion, 
 yield to their master's whips ? It was owing to the subjuga 
 tion of habit. People accustomed to look up to the superior 
 ity of others, are discouraged in their efforts, even when un 
 consciously possessed of higher powers. 
 
 But there is aleio something invigorating and inspiring in 
 a new country, in the very newness, freshness, and elasticity 
 of nature. The streams of a new country, at least it is so in 
 this Western wilderness, flow more abundantly, and the 
 springs burst more plentifully. This is ^ owing to these beau 
 tiful native forests, which we,^re hastening to destroy. Noth 
 ing distresses me more than to see this thoughtless destruc 
 tion. Those groves not only attract the clouds, and cause 
 them to descend in showers, but every leaf is a cup to retain 
 the precious element which runs down the trunk and branches 
 of the trees, and is conducted by the roots through the soft 
 and spungy earth, decked with mosses and shrubs, until it 
 sinks into the subterranean caverns and reservoirs. Thence 
 the springs break forth from the sides of the hills where the 
 ravines are laid open. How different from the barren and 
 naked earth, where the ground is baked hard by the sun, and 
 the unfrequent rains, or rather torrents, or melting snows, 
 disappear at once from the surface, and are carried off through 
 some ravine which becomes parched and dry in summer. 
 
220 MODERN CHIVALRY. 
 
 Who with proper reflection would wantonly destroy those 
 beautiful groves which cover our hill-tops. 
 
 Let our Western prairies, be again covered with wOods, 
 and streams and fountains will once more be seen, the cli 
 mate will improve, and the soil become more fertile. What 
 a change must be effected in such a country as Spain, if her 
 plains were dotted with forests, as they probably once were, but 
 are now wide uninhabited wastes? I was delighted with the 
 cascades of a new country, where the cool water, shaded by 
 overhanging trees tumbles over the rocks, with a musical 
 sound, inviting one to bathe, the mossy bank to undress upon, 
 and the deep shades, or grottos to conceal from the nymphs. 
 There is no fear of any one else there, unless perhaps a young 
 girl looking for the cows, who would not much mind it, being 
 used to see people without much covering, nor much caring 
 whether they had any. For it is in cities, and the abodes 
 of luxury, and false delicacy, where we depart from the sim 
 plicity of Eve in Paradise, who 
 
 *' Clouted Adam's grey breaks." 
 
 or pantaloons, when he had a pair, that this excessive mod 
 esty of manners prevails, without always a corresponding 
 modesty in the mind. 
 
 CIIAPTEE XL. 
 
 The most difficult of all things is to govern men. Public opin 
 ion the great lever of modern times. 
 
 TAKE the individual man and how difficult it is to govern 
 him I Between the boy and the man, that difficulty begins, 
 and it is then the greatest ; from the time that the voice be 
 gins to break the treble of the juvenile age, to the counter of 
 of that of manhood. Here we have to do with the confidence 
 of feeling some power of mind, and the insolence of incxpcri- 
 
MODERN CHIVALRY. 221 
 
 ence. It is the same with men in the aggregate of society. 
 The difficulty lies in reconciling freedom with subordination. 
 That freedom which is necessary to a nations development, 
 of all the nobler qualities, and that restraint, which prevents 
 it from running into excesses and follies. It is like flying 
 a kite, which must have string to soar into the clouds, yet if 
 pulled too hard against a gust of wind, the string may beeak. 
 A constitution has been formed, after mature consideration, 
 and adapted to the state of the society. But the young in 
 years, and the young in the country, and the visionary phi 
 losopher, think they can make it better. They are sanguine 
 of temperament, and take it for granted that the world has 
 never before seen such creatures as they are. That, whatev* 
 er errors, others have committed in like situations, they will 
 have the judgment to avoid. The free movements within, 
 will in time, conform to a general system, as in the heavenly 
 bodies ; but without this we have chaos, or anarchy. It is 
 not until by disappointment, and the vexation attendant upon 
 it, that men can learn to know themselves, and to place a low 
 er estimate on their abilities, and discretion. A man must 
 be forty years of age, said Lord Treasurer Burleigh, before 
 he begins to suspect that he is a fool, and fifty before he 
 knows it ! On the same principle, an individual must have 
 lived a long time in. a republic, before he can be a republi 
 can. Some have gone as far as to say, he must have been 
 born and brought up, under a republican government, to have 
 the habits and way of thinking of a republican. Kollin, I 
 think, says he must have lived at least fifty years, before he 
 is fit to be trusted with affairs. It would be an unjust infer 
 ence from these observations, that I have]a bearing to absolute 
 government, or that I am not liberal towards foreigners. I 
 might with more justice, be charged with being ultra the 
 other way. Neither am I in favor of rendering any changes 
 in the constitution impossible; they should be slow, and dif 
 ficult, and should rather grow out of the radical changes in 
 the structure of the society itself. Yet a ires constitution, 
 
222 MODERN CHIVALRY. 
 
 strongly consolidated by the habits of the people, may for 
 a long time, resist the effects of despotic influence. 
 
 Our federal constitution pays some regard to age, and the 
 presumption of experience, by requiring the' Representative 
 to be twenty-five, and the Senator thirty years of age, but it 
 is the duty of the constituent to go beyond this, and to choose 
 only those who are known to be among the wisest, and most 
 experienced. If this were attended to, as it ought, we should 
 have less of that rawness, and intemperance, in our public 
 bodies, that so often detracts from the respect in which they 
 ought to be held. Young cocks should never be heard to 
 crow in the Senate house, or young whelps to bark in the 
 other chambers, The Scripture says, " bray a fool in a mor 
 tar, and he will not be wise." All length of time, all expe 
 rience, from the consequence of his errors, will not correct. 
 But he must be a fool indeed, an idiot, who will not derive 
 some advantage, from what he has seen and suffered. Age, 
 on this account alone, is of importance. When a member 
 has made a speech of some hours, in a deliberative body, and 
 finds he grows no taller, in reputation, he will be disposed to 
 abridge his ventriloquy on other occasions, for I call it ventril 
 oquy ; it deserves no better name. In courts of justice, where 
 the rights of parties are involved, more latitude is to be al 
 lowed. There, a patient hearing is a virtue in a judge, al 
 though already convinced by the mere stating of the propo 
 sition. The quality of a good listener in a judge, is a virtue; 
 it is said to te possessed in an eminent degree, by the Chief 
 Justice of the United States,* and is one reason of the high 
 esteem, in which he is held. 
 
 There is no moral truth, whose weight can be fully felt, 
 without experience. What do I mean by moral truth ? I 
 mean that which depends on the nature of man, and is the 
 foundation of his actions. This is the same as moral philos 
 ophy, which we are continually studying in everything we 
 
 * Marshall. 
 
MODERN CHIVALRY, 223 
 
 see, or hear, or read, although there are some, who pretend to 
 make it a distinct science. Who would believe without ex 
 perience, that it is so difficult a thing to govern the rational 
 being man ? The most simple way, and doubtless the most 
 effectual, is the same by which you would govern that which 
 we call the rational or half rational animals that is with 
 the bridle, the goad, or the whip- But this is despotism, 
 the very thing, of all others, we wish to avoid. It is the very 
 opposite of democracy. It is the naked sword, the emblem 
 of power, and the immediate or ultimate resort, under all gov 
 ernments. 
 
 An individual at the head of an organization, supported 
 by an army, and a host of civil officers, may command mil 
 lions, and keep them in subjection ; but in this case, no one 
 can be allowed a will of his own, to the smallest extent. If 
 the two legged thing, that calls himself a man, under such a 
 government, should attempt to speak, or act for himself, off 
 his head goes, scalp and all, and there is an end of the dis 
 turbance. What was to hinder Napoleon, from converting 
 the whole of the peasantry of France, into serfs like those 
 of Russia? He had the same power with the Russian Empe 
 ror. There is one way, the opposite of this which is to let 
 the multitude alone altogether, and then there is anarchy and 
 no government. If you let them alone, it does not suit very 
 well, for in that case, they rob and plunder, and there is no 
 security ; and there being no security, there is no industry, 
 and consequently no improvement in the arts, or ameliora 
 tion in the condition of man ; on the contrary, everything 
 would go back to barbarism, if despotism, were not called to 
 the rescue ; and after a very short trial, this would be the 
 case with all but the incorrigible vagabonds, or visionary phi 
 losophers. If you undertake to restrain their passions, how 
 will you do it without force, or persuasion ? Persuasion, 
 will go but little way with a man that is hungry, to hinder 
 him from putting his paw upon whatever eatable is before 
 him. It must then be force; government must therefore, in 
 
224. MODERN CHIVALRY. 
 
 the first instance, be founded on fear, coercion, power, figu 
 ratively the sword. It is but a conceit of Montesquine, to 
 found a republic on the principle of Virtue, and a monarchy 
 on that of Honor ; they are both more or less founded on 
 virtue, as well as fear ; that is, the fear of a present or future 
 evil, added to force to be applied when necessary. It is, in 
 deed, to be hoped, that reason, and affection, under the en 
 abling and enlightning influence of free institutions, will in 
 time, in a great degree, supercede this degrading power. The 
 schools of public instruction, aided and sustained by that 
 great lever, public opinion must follow up the work ; and it 
 has my best wishes for its success. I hope I have contribu 
 ted a little towards it in this book, consisting of what some 
 are pleased to call fooleries. The schools, to which I allude, 
 are the pulpit, the press, the courts of justice, and the politi 
 cal institutions in general, the common, and all other schools, 
 of course included. I do not say anything as to the duties 
 of the pulpit, in matters of pure religion, because my book 
 relates to social and political subjects, and I speak with ref 
 erence to its effect here. The attendance of men, women, 
 and children, on the observance of public worship, lays the 
 broadest foundation for private and social morality, hence 
 the duties of the pulpit, are of the first importance, in teach 
 ing in detail, the great lesson of man's duty " to do justly 
 love mercy and walk humbly before God/' It is to this our 
 great democratic experiment tends, which ought not to be 
 founded onforceor honor, but on the wisdom and happiness 
 of the people. 
 
 What we have seen in this new settlement, is a picture of 
 the credulity and restlessness of man, and his constant strug. 
 gle to break through that salutary organization of power, by 
 which he is restrained from that, to which his passions 
 prompt, to his own injury and the injury of others. He will 
 endeavor to break through, by talking of changing the modes 
 of government. But it is not the modes, but the being gov 
 erned at all, that annoys him. A constitution, is that organi- 
 
MODERN CHIVLARY. 225 
 
 sation by which a man is governed by rules that apply to 
 every individual of the community ; and from which no one 
 is exempt, but all are bound to obey ; binding the highest, 
 and affording protection to the lowest ; yet leaving the widest 
 possible scope of personal freedom; this .is a constitutional de 
 mocracy. But the frequent changing the parts of the consti 
 tution, and altering its structure, begets the desire of change; 
 and like a dislocated bone, must produce a weak joint. It 
 ought to be some great palpable defect, on all hands admitted, 
 that would justify a change, and not for the sake of mere 
 experiment. The one half of the effect of laws, or general 
 rules, is the being acted under. It injures a saddle-horse to 
 put him in harness ; because he must change his gaits. There 
 are, of course, in every society, individuals here and there, 
 of remarkable superiority, who, as it were, have a light with 
 in themselves, as if enjoying a portion of inspiration direct 
 from the divinity, and governed by a godlike impulse ; just 
 as on the other hand, there are some who seem to have been 
 born devils, and are as incorrigible from the beginning. 
 
 Public opinion, I repeat, is the great lever in a democracy ; 
 and the more enlightened the great body of the people are, 
 the more powerful will that opinion be, at least so far as re 
 spects the more complicated questions of State policy. There 
 are instinctive impulses, which at times, pervade the most il 
 literate masses, which go before reason, and profound reflec 
 tion. Under monarchies, these are considered dangerous, 
 and altogether repressed ; in democracies, they should be re 
 strained, within reasonable bounds, by force, when they 
 break out into acts, and by reason, and persuasion, when they 
 do not. 
 
 vol. 4 ; 19. 
 
226 MODERN CHIVALRY. 
 
 CHAPTER XLI. 
 
 The visionary Philosopher once more. 
 
 THE visionary philosopher, notwithstanding the want of 
 of success which attended his speculations, had still great 
 weight amongst the people ; or, in the common phrase, ''had 
 a large share of popularity." It had been suggested that it 
 behooved to impose taxes for the support of government. 
 What? said the philosopher, have you not got a constitution; 
 and cannot a constitution work without taxes ? At all events, 
 what is called an impost, may suffice. 
 An impost ; what is that ? said a man amongst the crowd. 
 Why, an imposition, said another, what else could it be ! 
 Impost, has nothing to do with imposition, said the philos 
 opher. Which is to knock down a man when he comes into the 
 settlement, and take his money from him. The English have 
 what they call a poll-tax, or a tax upon scalps. It cannot but 
 raise a good sum from the red people, who take so many from 
 the whites. In some governments, they tax boots. 
 
 Would it not be better to lay a tax upon legs, as being more 
 easy to be collected, and less liable to evasion ? said an hon 
 est man. 
 
 Of all taxes, said one in answer ; I think this would be the 
 most easily evaded ; because a man could run away with his 
 legs. 
 
 Robbing people that come into the settlement, will not do, 
 said one ; at least for a permanent revenue ; because it will 
 keep people from coming. I am against all constraint upon 
 ourselves, or any one else. I propose voluntary and occa 
 sional contributions. 
 
 You propose a fiddle, said his opponent. Voluntary, and 
 occasional I Do you conceive a man could spare a pound of 
 flesh, or an ounce of blood, occasionally for any great length 
 
MODERN CHIVALRY. 227 
 
 of time ? He might bear the first slash, but he would wince 
 at the second. 
 
 Loans, loans, said a financier; you have nothing more to do 
 than to borrow a million now and then, when you are out of 
 money. 
 
 Why, if robbing pedlars will not do, said the visionary 
 philosopher, I think loans must be the next resort. 
 
 A rcretty noise we have made about a constitution, said a 
 smart looking man in a pair of leather breeches ; if there 
 must be force constantly applied to the wheels ; and money 
 expended to keep it going. 
 
 How can a machine go unless it be worked, said a man 
 with a slouched hat without some to work it ; and how can 
 it be wrought without hands ? I mean persons hired for the 
 purpose ; and if hired, they must be paid. ;tk 
 
 At this point of the game, a simpleton came forward, and 
 spoke as follows: Gentlemen, said he, I am but a fool fellow, 
 a mere ass, a sheep, and what not, but I do not see how we 
 can borrow, unless we expect to pay ; and if what is bor 
 rowed is to be paid, why not pay in the first instance ? 
 
 That will not do, said an artful member ; we will be turned 
 out, if we lay a tax ; the people must be cheated by our bor 
 rowing in the mean time, and leaving it to those that come 
 after us to lay a tax, and pay. 
 
 What use in having a general financier, said the multi 
 tude, if he cannot make money out of chips and whet-stones ? 
 If nothing more is to be done, than to count the money, or 
 cast up the tax when it is paid into him, any cod-head may 
 do that. 
 
 A financier may do a great deal more than that, said an 
 intelligent person. He may determine and report upon what 
 tax may be best laid, and to what amount. But if he hesitate 
 to tax at all, I grant you any body may be a financier ; for it 
 is an easy matter to borrow, if you can get any to be fools to 
 lend without funds to sustain it, and at least, pay the inter 
 est. But why borrow when a man has money in his chest ? 
 
228 MODERN CHIVALRY. 
 
 I would call for this ; every man his proportion according to 
 his property, jugt as we subscribe to an undertaking ; and the 
 only difference is, that, in this case, we subscribe what we 
 think we can afford ; in that, we contribute what the commu 
 nity think we ought to advance ; the community, through 
 some organization of officers, and these being the judges, 
 "Put yourself in an attitude and armor for war." What is 
 this but to raise money, which is the means of war ? It did 
 not mean to clothe yourself in sheet iron, or in bull's hides; 
 but to go to the bottom of the matter, and to lay a tax to sup 
 port a war. No difficulty in procuring soldiers for a cam 
 paign, if you have money : no necessity to call upon militia; 
 you will have enough to offer their services. It is money 
 makes the mare go. Give me money and I will show you 
 men ; and -.w^ien I have the men to show, there will be no 
 war. 
 
 Aye, said Teague O'Kegan, give me de boys, and a shi- 
 lelah, and I will clear de fair. If you will give me de money, 
 I will get de whiskey ; and if I have de whiskey, I will hav 
 de boys, and let me see whs will like to come to blows wid 
 Teague O'Regan. 
 
 This speech pleased the people much ; and they insisted 
 upon the Governor to place Teague at the head of the finan 
 ces. 
 
 It is more than probable he might have been advanced to 
 the head of this department, the Governor yielding to the so 
 licitations of the people had not the popular voice propelled 
 him in a different direction. For about this time it was re 
 ported that he had taught a cat to speak. It is true, that as 
 he had seen done in Ireland, by|taking the lower jaw between 
 his finger and thumb of the left hand, and pinching her up 
 per jaw with the finger and thumb of the other hand, moving 
 I he lower jaw, in the mean time, as she mewed, he would 
 make her pronounce something that resembled the crying 
 Erin go bra, which was Irish ; and by another kind of move 
 ment, and breaking of the voice, it would seem to be, bacon, 
 
MODERN CHIVALRY. 229 
 
 fat bacon, which was English. From this specimen, it was 
 thought that if put at the head of an academy to teach beasts 
 to articulate, he might succeed better than any had yet done 
 He was called principal, and being made. Doctor of Laws, 
 he was put at the head of the institution. It is necessary 
 that a man in a station which bespeaks learning, be a Doctor 
 of Laws ; but it does not follow that he be learned in the 
 laws, at least I have known some that are not the most pro 
 found scholars, on whom this degree has been conferred. 
 
 The visionary philosopher had made a system of rules and 
 regulations for the government of the academy ; in other 
 words the discipline of the institution; such as conditions of 
 admission, price of tuition, grade of classes, freshman, soph 
 omore, &c. books to be read, hours of study, and vacation ; 
 meals, kind of food, with matters that regard decency of man 
 ners, such as that squirrels should not crack nuts, nor pigs 
 eat apples in the school rooms ; nor raccoons chew tobacco or 
 smoke cigars. It was j articuiarly inculcated on all, that they 
 should rise early, wash their snouts, comb their hair, and 
 pair their nails as becomes a student. 
 
 All things were arranged for the menagarie ; and a proper 
 number of the more tractable animals got tegether to begin 
 with, such as young cubs, whelps, &c. when it wap put into 
 the head of the Principal, by some of the more high minded 
 of his countrymen, that it was a degredation to have it said, 
 that an Irishman was teaching beasts to be called a horse pro 
 fessor and the like. Whether it was that the pride of the 
 bog-trotter, took alarm at this, or that he saw the ridicule 
 himself; he threw up the trust and would have no more to do 
 with it. The people were dissatisfied, and his popularity fell 
 as rapidly as it had risen. 
 
 Transit gloria mundi ; there is nothing so fleeting as sublu 
 nary joys; and of all these, popularity is the most evanescent. 
 It was but a short time ago, which was the occasion of the 
 bog-trotter teaching the cat, and having succeeded, that he 
 was caressed by the multitude, followed, chaired, &c, but it so 
 vol. 4 19.* 
 
230 MODERN CHIVALRY. 
 
 happened that the chairing took place in a small cabin ; and 
 when he was raised suddenly, those hoisting, not having due 
 regard to the height of the story, he struck his head against 
 the ceiling, or ruther rafters ; for there was no ceiling ; at 
 which the Latin schoolmaster exclaimed, 
 
 " Sublime feriam sidera vertice.'' 
 
 But what gave him more consolation, was the having a dinner 
 given him, the Chief Justice presiding, and toasts drank. 
 For it is not in our time as it was at the Olympic games, or 
 Koman triumph, or ovation, that an oak leaf, or a sprig of 
 laurel, or a bunch of ivy, a branch of olive, or some other 
 unsubstantial vegetable was the gift. In modern and more 
 improved time, we have solid food of flesh, and sauces to 
 gratify the palate, as well as various exhilerating drinks, 
 such as punch, brandy, and wine. Certain it is the bog* 
 trotter had been feasted abundantly during his popularity ; 
 but now on the ebb of this, he had declined so far in reputa. 
 tion, that he could not have been made a constable. So for 
 tuitous and unstable is the popular voice. Whereas hereto, 
 fore during the current in his favor, things were imagined 
 to his advantage that he had never done, and words framed 
 that he had never spoken ; so now the reverse took place ; 
 speeches were framed it is true, but they were all to his dis 
 advantage ; as for instance, that he had said the moon was 
 made of green cheese ; that a snake was a vegetable ; that 
 the only conversion with the fanatics was the turning the 
 heels where the head should be ; that he had reflected on the 
 general government, saying that gun boats were only fit to 
 make Virginia hog-troughs ; that an embargo was like yok. 
 ing pigs where there was no fence ; that borrowing money 
 only became a young spendthrift, who was afraid to apply to 
 his father or his guardians ; that there were faults on both 
 sides, weakness on the part of the administration, and wick 
 edness on the part of the opposition. 
 
MODERN CHIVALRY. 231 
 
 These allegations might be all true enough ; but he had 
 not the sense to make them ; but bearing down, everything 
 must be heaped upon him. An editor of a paper, who had 
 boasted he could write down a man in six weeks, opened his 
 battery; charged him with tumbling, and bog-trotting, and f 
 shaving himself with a bad razor ; some things frivolous, and 
 some things false; but it went to compose a paragraph. There 
 was no standing this. The bog-trotter was at a loss what to 
 do ; whether to withdraw from society, and take a hut to him 
 self in some corner of the settlement; or to quit the country 
 and '-live among the savages, and wild beasts, when a mere 
 accident gave him some countenance in the community. It 
 was reported that he had found a stone : and doubtless he 
 had, for it was an easy matter to find a stone on a piece of 
 ground which had once been the bed of the river; and these 
 stones also round and lubricous ; but it was suggested to be 
 what is called the philosopher's stone. This hint, some wag 
 had communicated to the visionary philosopher, who went 
 immediately in quest of Teague. The truth is, the stone had 
 something singular in its configuration, and was perhaps a 
 petrifaction. The Philosopher, though somewhat irritated at 
 the Irishman's desertion of the trust in educating beasts, yet 
 as it is natural with visionary men, was struck with this new 
 idea, as what might be turned to account in making gold and 
 silver in the present scarcity of specie; and adopting a con 
 ciliatory address, he bespoke the bog-trotter. Teague, said 
 he, I am not come to take you up, not being an officer of jus 
 tice ; nor having anything to do with the matter of your 
 teaching beasts : for it has occurred to myself, that if taught 
 to speak, and sent to Congress, they might gabble like mag 
 pies, and the remedy would be ivorse than the disease; so that I 
 come not be displeased with you, on account of you relinquish 
 ing the tuition ; more especially as you have found out the 
 means of replenishing the national treasury, by this stone 
 which has fallen in your way. 
 
232 MODERN CHIVALRY. 
 
 Have you made any silver out of this stone yet ? I should 
 like to see a little of it. 
 
 I have made a pewter spoon, said the bog trotter, and dat 
 is de next ting to stiver, and a lead bullet, but de spalpeens 
 have robbed me and took|dem out o' my pocket whilst I was 
 aslipe, and no body de wiser for it ; bad luck to dem. 
 
 Come back with me to the settlement, said the Philosopher, 
 and I will make a man of you. 
 
 Dat I will, said the bog.trotter ; and see de Governor and 
 shew him de stone. 
 
 The stone was shown to the Governor, who was glad to see 
 the bog-trotter again ; but had no faith in the discovery. The 
 stone, said the Governor, is a very pretty stone, made by the 
 rolling and tumbling of the water, in one part, and breaking 
 off in another ; or has been originally a piece of wood, cut 
 by a joiner, and is petrified ; but I would just as soon take a 
 stick to make gold, as I would a stone. 
 
 The Philosopher with Teague, appealed to the people, and 
 reported that the Governor was averse to the having money 
 made. The only remedy in this case was, the threatening 
 that they would turn him out and put Teague in, or the Vis. 
 ionary Philosopher for Governor. With a view to this, and 
 ti refresh his popularity, a dinner was once more given to 
 the bog-trotter. The toasts were, Down with paper money ; 
 gold and silver the genuine circulating medium, &c. &c. &c. 
 
 When the bog-trotter,retired(according to a hint given him) 
 a volunteer as follows: "Our esteemed fellow citizen, General 
 Teague O'Regan ; honor to the man, who has increased the 
 public and private wealth without limit, by turning sticks and 
 stones, into dollars and cents." 
 
MODERN CHIVALRY. 233 
 
 CHAPTER XLII. 
 
 Governor Farrago, gets out of patience, with the follies of his 
 people, and pronounces a phillipic against them. It produces 
 a marked effect. 
 
 The Governor wearied by this folly of the people of his gov- 
 ernment,and being out of all patience, came in among the Rep 
 resentatives, while in ^session, and made a speech that made 
 the welkin ring. For the State House not being built, they 
 sat under the shade of some large and spreading elm trees. 
 Being a man of very powerful lungs, like some of the war 
 riors of antiquity, or Shelby of Kentucky, of modern times, 
 and mounting a stump, he spoke in the following manner. 
 
 " I care no more for my popularity with you, than I do 
 whether you are fools or knaves. It all comes to the same 
 thing for you seem blind to your own interests. If you wish 
 to have this fool fellow O'Regan, for Governor, you are wel 
 come to him. One day he is not fit to be hung, and now 
 since he has found a stone, or something of the kind, he is 
 fit for the highest office. If you believe in this visionary 
 philosopher and his follies, you must take your own course. 
 If, I say, he has- found the means of transmuting metals, and 
 changing wood or shells into gold and silver; if this raga 
 muffin, I say, has found such a stone, which I no more be 
 lieve than that my horses 7 hoof has the virtue of changing 
 the earth he treads upon, into gold; what good would it do you, 
 when the very thing that makes such metal precious, scarcity, 
 would take away all use, or benefit of it ? If you would 
 make gold and silver as plenty as bank notes, or oak leaves, 
 would it be of more value ? Do you take me for one that, for 
 the sake of keeping my place, would consult a temporary 
 popularity ? I tell you that I will have no more teaching 
 
234: MODERN CHIVALRY. 
 
 beasts to speak, sing, or whistle ; no more coining money, by 
 philosophers stoned \$ or discoveries of perpetual motions, or 
 any such stuff. Your philosopher may teach you to catch 
 crabs in a new way, or to open oysters ; I look to what will 
 establish the government and render it vigorous ; prudence 
 in contracting debts, taxation to pay them and no borrowing, 
 from Jew brokers, like minors that have their estate in ex 
 pectancy. Does the heart borrow from without ; or does i* 
 not take back the blood from the extremities, which it has 
 circulated to them? It is a cheat and deception of the people 
 not to tell them truth 
 
 ' Si popultis vult decipi decipiatur, 
 
 said the Latin schoolmaster. 
 
 No, said the Governor, they shall not be deceived by me, 
 I disregard their cacussing, and talking of taking up another 
 candidate for Governor. They may have my bog-trotter or 
 the visionary philosopher, when they please ; and they may 
 impeach me when out of office, or let it alone. I am at their 
 defiance, having acted to the best of my judgment, for their 
 true happiness. Do they take me for a coward in politics, 
 that I am afraid to touch their pockets, and apply toja philoso 
 pher's stone, even if it had the virtue of making gold, when 
 the making of gold or silver, would do more harm than good? 
 
 "You may have my bog-trotter, and welcome, for Governor; 
 I am pretty well tired of bothering myself with him, to make 
 use of a phrase of his own ; I have had as much trouble on 
 my hands with him as Don Quixotte had with Sancho Panza; 
 and I canaot but acknowledge, as some say, that I have re 
 sembled Don Quixotte myself, at least in having such a bog- 
 trotter after me ; save that Sancho rode upon an ass, and this 
 O'Regan trots on foot. But I hope I shall not be considered 
 as resembling that Spaniard in taking a wind-mill for a giant; 
 a common stone for a magnet that can attract or transmute 
 metals. I am not one to mistake a barber's brass basin, glit- 
 
MODERN CHIVALRY. 235 
 
 tering in the sun, for Mambrino's golden helmet, as Don 
 Quixotte did. It is you that are the Don Quixottes in this 
 respect, madcaps, and some of you from the madcap settle 
 ment, Thady O'Connor and several others, tossing up your 
 eaps at every turn, for a new constitution, or overthrowing 
 establishments, long sanctioned by experience, and sound 
 policy ; not considering that when a thing gets in the way of 
 changing, it will never stop until it gets to the end of liberty, 
 and reaches despotism, which is the bourne from whence no 
 traveler returns. Do you take me for Jefferson? You are mis 
 taken if you think I have so good an opinion of you. I would 
 ill deserve your confidence if I made your whims my guide ; 
 or regarded popularity obtained in such away. It never came 
 into my head that because I had got the chair of government, 
 there was a milenium about to come, when all men would do 
 justice, and there would be no occasion for judges and law 
 yers; and nations would be coerced by proclamations, and no 
 war would ensuel Your philosopher's stone will stand you 
 in little stead if an army is to fee raised and a lleet supported; 
 and without an army or a ^navy, are you safe within or 
 without ? Not while you live in a country where there is an 
 ocean on one side and savages on ttie other. John Bull will 
 come by the water, and the savage by the wilderness. A 
 navy is the safe defence of a republic where it must, or at 
 least, will have commerce. It always rallies round the gov 
 ernment, and not faction. I want money to support a navy 
 and an army, and this I will have, not by a philosopher's 
 stone, but by drawing on yourselves ; and when you cannot 
 pay, then borrow; but lay yourselves to the wheels, and see 
 what you can do first. 
 
 I will resign the government, and go about my business 
 bog-trotting as I used to do, with some new waiter, if I should 
 leave Teague upon your hands. I neither know nor care, but 
 I should not be surprised, if some of you should have your 
 necks in the guillotine, before a fortnight. This was the way 
 in France, and will be so here, if you yield to those idle rev- 
 
236 MODERN CHIVALRY. 
 
 eries. I will abdicate this moment. I am off, and now pro* 
 vide yourselves with another Governor as soon as you please." 
 
 At this, descending from the stump, and making as if about 
 to go off, a great dismay fell upon the legislative body, and the 
 multitude without. They had a confused idea of the matter 
 threatened, but could not well conceive what it was. Some 
 thought at least it was a^hanging matter that was to come 
 upon them ; but all apprehended some bad consequence, there 
 having been a rumor of philosophers in France having 
 brought the nation to much suffering, by guillotines; the 
 royal family having fallen victims to this mammoth kind of 
 execution. They began therefore to intreat him to retain his 
 place as Governor ; and even hinted a resolution to guillotine 
 the bog-trotter. 
 
 The visionary 'philosopher afraid that in this turn of the 
 public mind, he might also be guillotined, fell in with the 
 current of the popular opinion, and said he was for the guil 
 lotine ; that he had a model of one in his pocket. It was the 
 fact, he had a model, not in the least expecting such a result 
 of things ; or that there would be any occasion for a guillo 
 tine ; but merely as the model of a machine that had been in 
 use, for, cutting straw but not introduced here. I have, said 
 he, the model of a guillotine, pulling it out, and, I take it, with 
 the help of a carpenter or two, I could have one constructed 
 of a proper size for the ^bog-trotter in the course of this 
 evening. 
 
 Dear master, said Teague, esconcing himself behind the 
 Governor, spake to de paple and tell dem not to be after ta 
 king de head off a Christian like a baste before he has time to 
 spake. Dis is worse dan de savages wid deir tomahawks and 
 deir scalping knives, or tar and fedders. Let dese paple 
 kape deir toasts and deir offices to demselves. Better to be 
 traveling after your honor in de woods and de bogs, and sla. 
 ping in a good bed, dan to be kilt here like a shape. I'll be 
 no Governor, let dem be Governor demselves. 
 
 The Governor finding that matters were likely to go too far 
 
MODERN CHIVALRY 237 
 
 and not liking to witness any outrage on the bog-trotter, 
 though he did not much care for the visionary philosopher 
 thought it best to moderate the passions of the people or at 
 least divert them to some other object. 
 
 I would just observe, said the Governor, that the guillotine 
 has fallen into disrepute in France. Deportation is the modern 
 manner of disposing of the criminal. They got rid of trouble 
 some members of their legislative bodies, by sending them off 
 in cages to South America, where they are bitten to death 
 by mosquitoes, or died of fevers. And without much time 
 lost, it may be perfectly convenient to carry a deportation 
 into effect. Here is a tin cart from New England, one of 
 those that carry tin ware, watering cans and cullenders. You 
 can make use of this for the purpose. The bog-trotter can 
 remain, but here is Thady O'Connor, a loose fish that can be 
 put in with the philosopher. 
 
 No sooner said than done ; O'Connor and the vissionary 
 philosopher, were put into the cart, and obliged in all the 
 forms of Lynch law, to quit; the settlement. 
 
 CHAPTER XLIII. 
 
 Containing some account of the abode of Governor Farrago 
 in the new settlement. 
 
 MATTERS being once more quieted, as we have related in 
 the preceding chapter, I feel inclined for the gratification of 
 the reader, to give seme account of the Governor's abode. 
 It is enough to say, that its locality was on a tributary of the 
 beautiful Ohio river^ and in one of the most picturesque re 
 gions of the globe. But before I describe the wood crowned 
 hill above, and the dale below, or its falling fountains, and 
 crystal streams, will it not be proper that I describe the man. 
 sion itself? This may be the more desirable as I do not sup 
 pose it will remain more than a few years ; as in all probabil* 
 vol. 4, 20. 
 
238 MODERN CHIVALRY. 
 
 ity, he will get a better, as the country improves, and saw 
 mills shall be erected. Simply present accommodation and 
 convenience, were consulted in its erection. There were no 
 architectural plans, or sculptures thought of. It was built of 
 the stocks of trees, cut down on the very spot where it stood, 
 squared with the axe, and covered with split timber, to keep 
 out the rains : floored in the same manner, and on both sides 
 shaded by porticos of the same material, the whole length of 
 the building. Its length was about one hundred and fifty 
 feet, by twenty in breadth, exclusive of the porticos, and 
 divided at intervals, of eighteen feet, by portions of hewn 
 logs. There were chimneys of rude stone : and the space 
 between the logs closed in with mortar made of the common 
 clay, mixed with dry grass. The Governor had in view, not 
 merely his own accommodation, and that of his suit, or fami 
 ly, if they may be so called, but also of the frequent emigrants 
 who might claim a night's shelter, on their way to their new 
 homes. 
 
 The selection was not made as is too commonly the case, 
 without regard to the beauty of the locality ; although this is 
 often difficult, owing to the closeness of the forest which lim 
 its the view in the first instence. The mansion was not such 
 as would hurt the pride, that is natural to men, in seeing 
 others better lodged than themselves. I do not know that 
 the builder, had thought of the uneasiness occasioned to Val 
 erius Publicola, by the loftiness of his dwelling on the Vilian 
 eminence. The simplicity of his taste, was at a distance 
 from everything of show and splendor ; so that not from re 
 flection, but from the natural disposition of his mind, he was 
 satisfied with a structure, which would not please the more op 
 ulent, in a more advanced stage of improvement. But what 
 it wanted in elegance, was made up by the picturesque beau 
 ty, and advantages of the situation. This was on a gently 
 discending ridge, or slope, with a^valley on each side formed 
 by two streams, which united in a plain below, and was grad 
 ually lost in its windings through the hills. The building 
 
MODERN CHIVALRY. 239 
 
 stood East and West to receive the morning and evening sun, 
 and so as to be less exposed to the storms of the equinoxeal 
 seasons. The streams on. each side, flowing in opposite di-' 
 rections, and from the mansion, in a short distance, joined 
 two sister rivers, which would come together almost in sight, 
 when the intervening woods would be removed, in the erec 
 tion of the new town at the junction. 
 
 Having givea.this sketch, I will say nothing of the adjacent 
 building, or out-houses, or internal arrangments, which may 
 be imagined. Nor of the bearing of the woody mountains, 
 enveloped in the distance, in their floating azure haze, or the 
 the extent of the level, or rising ground in view. The chief 
 beauty was the water-fall from one of the springs, that issued 
 from the hill. It was a perennial fountain, gushing from the 
 crevice in the moss covered rock, and discharging a stream 
 of more than forty gallons a minute, \vhich fell into a deep 
 dell, shaded by the early blooming dogwood and service ber 
 ry, and the spicewood with its early blossoms, while the wild 
 cherry and beech rose above them. The stream on the op 
 posite, was formed by numerous smaller springs, where are 
 undergrowth of wild plum trees, the service, and sasafras, 
 with towering -grape-vines, were overtopped by the lofty su 
 gar trees, hickories, chestnuts, and sycamores, the productions 
 of a virgin soil. The water of the cascade before (Ascribed, 
 was clear as crystal and as cool as the Hebrus, and falling 
 into a natural basin of sand and pebbles, afforded a most re~ 
 freshing bath, to cool the blood in the heat of summer. From 
 these cascades, the current flowed away with a murmur, as if 
 reluctant to quit the fountain. 
 
 I shall not speak of the garden grounds, for these were 
 laid out but in imagination, save as to a kitchen garden, with 
 eueh vegetables and esculent roots as could immediately be 
 cultivated, and were the most necessary. The collection of 
 indigenous plants, and native flowers, or sought from abroad 
 could be the objects oi more leisurely attention at a future 
 day. People are thinking more of cutting down trees than 
 
240 MODERN CHIVALRY. 
 
 of planting, and this was done without thought forthe future 
 with the exception of a few of the fruit bearing kind, such 
 as the mulberry, the plum, the'grape, persimmon, the cherry, 
 the haw and others found abundantly in the native forests. 
 Individual trees and groves, ought to be carefully preserved 
 in removing a wilderness, The depth of a native grove sur 
 passes all description, in the sensations that it gives, in the 
 refreshing coolness of the air attracted and breathed by their 
 leaves. The power of art, with all her skill can never equal 
 these natural woods, so rich, so brilliant in coloring ; and 
 ages, centuries may pass, before these noble productions can 
 be replaced, in their majestic magnitude, and endless variety. 
 The Rhine may boast of its castles, its ruins, rocks, and vines, 
 but what are they to compare to our verdant hills and velvet 
 slopes? I sometimes think, with regret, that we have lost so 
 much of the ancient mythology, as respects the sylvan dei 
 ties ; such of them, to whom no worship was addressed, un 
 less in the figurative language of the poet, which we still use, 
 but do not feel as those who believe in the existence. It in 
 spired a tenderness to rural scenery ; and in sparing shades 
 was favorable to taste. The landscape painter, ought to 
 rescue these beauties, before they disappear. One could tell a 
 rustic, who had no conception of the pleasures of the imagi 
 nation, that if he would cut down this or that groupe, he 
 would have all the Dryads on his back; the Hamadryads 
 would come to their assistance ; the Oreades would not send 
 him rains ; the Naids would order the spring, that furnished 
 water to his reapers to be dried up. But now we have no 
 hold on him : and much pain has it given me, to see a fringe 
 of willows by the brook, or a hazel copse dug away, or a 
 semicircle of trees on the brow of the hill, cut down. The 
 Naids who poured the fountains from their urns, would now 
 disappear, and this more than figuratively, for we know that 
 the destruction of the groves, and shrubs of the hill-tops, will 
 cause the springs to dry up, and we may then say with tho 
 poet, respecting the streams, 
 
MODERN CHIVALRY. 241 
 
 " Sunk in their fountains, and their channels dry." 
 
 Nor is it only in matters of taste, that the settlers in a new 
 country are, in most instances, deficient. They have not the 
 most perfect judgment in the use of the small means they usu 
 ally possess to establish themselves. I do not mean to under 
 value the good intentions of societies in sending Missionaries 
 among the Indians, to teach the doctrines of supralapsarian 
 predestination, of justification by faith, and the insufficiency 
 works, or of those other doctrines of " fate, fore-knowledge/' 
 of which according to Milton, the more lofty minded of the 
 fallen angels, seated on a hill apart in Pandamonium, "rea 
 soned high." But might not other funds be constituted to 
 assist settlers in removing, and fixing themselves in a new 
 settlement, and to instruct them in the principles of an agri 
 culture adapted to the soil and climate, suggesting improve 
 ments, and new methods?* The thought of a scientific man 
 of experience in agriculture, would be of great advantage. 
 Men of public spirit, in some instances, have combined their 
 own interests with the benefit of others, in improvements in 
 a new country. The soil of a new country, is in general cold, 
 and requires to be opened to the sun, and the most favorable 
 spots for cultivation selected, leaving always a portion of 
 wood land properly disposed. In fact if they follow nature, 
 there will be no difficulty in this. The new settlers in the 
 first instance, must shift as they can. Hand-mills and hom 
 iny blocks, must for a time suffice, and every man must be 
 something of a Jack of all trades. He must be a worker in 
 iron, and in leather, and in wood. Invention, as well as in 
 dustry, is requisite, and how few there are who reflect, what 
 prodigious fructification may be folded up in one single origi" 
 nal thought ! A single idea may be the pregnant seed of a 
 mighty revolution in science, in art, or in morals. The prin 
 cipal defect, as ir all other objects of human application, is 
 
 * The numerous agricultural periodicals, now in existence, were 
 unknown when the author wrote, 
 vol. 4, 20.* 
 
242 MODERN CHIVALRY. 
 
 the want of original thought to adopt new modes to new cir 
 cumstances. This want is not so surprising, for that want is 
 one of the rarest of the qualities of the mind, which is called 
 genius. Dear bought experience sometimes suggests the 
 most suitable methods, and this is one reason why foreigners, 
 bringing with them their old habits are less successful than 
 those who are to the " manor born." Things are rather done 
 in this way, or that way, because they have been elsewhere 
 and heretofore. For this reason I would wish to see mission 
 ary agriculturists ; societies instituted for the propagation 
 of agricultural knowledge, and at the same time to afford re 
 lief to new settlers. There might not be just as many Indi 
 ans brought into the pale of the church, to run off again to 
 their wild naturelike partriges, that have been shut up in a 
 coop, but there would be more churches built among the 
 whites in the frontier of u, country, which would do as well. 
 The establishment of churches in the new settlement, is after 
 all, the great means of preventing that tendency, even among 
 civilized people, to retrograde to the barbarous state. Obe 
 dience to the laws, is a Christian duty, and the support of 
 government, is favorable to that settled state of society, in 
 which, alone, any system of mental cultivation, can be the 
 object of attention. The coming together at least once a 
 week, for a pious work, in common, has a tendency to coun 
 teract that selfish feeling, akin to barbarism, which is apt to 
 affect the thinly scattered inhabitants, who are seldom assem 
 bled for public purposes. A salutary impression is left, 
 especially on the minds of the young ; and if each carries 
 away but a single idea, of the discourse he has heard, it may 
 bloom, and produce wholesome fruit. Although no friend to 
 the subtle and controverted doctrines of the church, I think 
 the simple truths of Christianity, that come home to the un 
 derstandings, and hearts of man, woman, and child, cannot 
 be too frequently, and earnestly inculcated. 
 
MODERN CHIVALRY, 243 
 
 CHAPTER XLIV. 
 
 Being the last of this ivork, in which there is some account of 
 the Courtship of the Governor, who is still a Batchelor. 
 
 IT may not be amiss, at this stage of our history, to men 
 tion that the governor had not yet been a married man ; and 
 it was not the death of his lady that had propelled to enter on 
 an unsettled and rambling way of life, as was the case with 
 Sir Thomas Graham, who, to relieve his grief for the loss of 
 a beloved wife, sallied out with a regiment of English troops, 
 against the French, to kill all that he could. It was not the 
 loss of a dear woman that had made the Captain half mad, 
 when he set out with the bog trotter, 
 
 " In romantic method." 
 
 But it was in part, (for the secret may now be told,) a cause 
 that had some relation to it disappointments in love. These 
 had happened to him frequently, and from an early period, 
 His first attachment that took a strong hold of him, was about 
 the twenty eighth year of his age. He had taken it for grant 
 ed that it was a thing of course for the maid to affect coyness, 
 and to be won with great difficulty. And hence it was that 
 he persevered too much and too long ; and when repulsed he 
 bore it the more hardly, because he had not expected it. The 
 effect, also, was produced, that, in his advances to a future 
 mistress a very small matter discouraged him ; in the same 
 manner as a steed in a curricule, once baulkei, will stick at 
 a small impediment, and refuse to draw. For falling in love 
 with another beauty, and learning that poetry was essentially 
 necessary, in matters of love, to a young person, he wrote 
 verses and presented them. TLe lady, wishing to bring him 
 to the point, affected to consider his madrigals as burlesque, 
 and returned them to him, telling that she had not expected 
 such ridicule from a gentleman of his good breeding. The 
 
244 MODERN CHIVALRY. 
 
 poor Captain, in the honesty of his heart, took her to be in 
 earnest, and never went to see her more. 
 
 The third that he addressed, for a lapse of a long time in 
 tervened before he could muster resolution to pay his respects 
 to any one; the third, I say, that be addressed, or rather pur* 
 posed to address, was a blue-eyed beauty, with black hair 
 and a white skin, whom he took by the hand, which trembled 
 s o that he let it go, and gave up his pretensions. The truth is, 
 it was sensibitity, and her joy in the good fortune that she had, 
 to be addressed by one whom she prized so much. He mistook 
 it for a feeling of horror at her situation. His next campaign 
 was with one whom his heart loved buthis reason disapproved, 
 for she was as handsome as an angel, but as ill tempered as 
 Jezebel. He would have married her, but he was relieved by 
 a richer wooer, who made a present of bread tray and chick 
 en coop to the mother; and having her good wishes, suc 
 ceeded with the daughter, so far, at least, as to gain her con 
 sent to matrimony. 
 
 - His last attack, to speak in military phrase, was on the 
 heart of a young widow, who would have yielded incontinent 
 ly, had he pressed his advances; but her little boy calling a 
 gentleman, papa, who gave him sweetmeats, he took it that 
 the child had the hint from the mother, and that the other 
 was the favored lover. Considering the matter all over, he 
 resolved, not as the English novelists say, upon a trip to the 
 continent, but a journey on the continent to dissipate his en 
 nui, and recover himself from the softer affections which had 
 obtained the ascendant. Fora change of objects diverts the 
 raind ; and going to watering places cures love, as it does the 
 rheumatism; not that it has any other primary effect, than 
 cheating the imagination of its reveries. 
 
 The people of the settlement had built the governor a house. 
 The mansion of his excellency was spacious, and furnished 
 with several large tables, and some long benches, but was de 
 ficient in one particular, a lady of the castle who might attend 
 to household affairs and receive company. His senate thought 
 
MODERN CHIVALRY. 245 
 
 he ought to marry. Having weighty reasons to oppose, he 
 did not all at once accede to the proposition. The truth is, as 
 we have seen, he was apprehensive of a repulse. 
 
 For he had laid it down from his own experience, that as 
 some attract woman, so others repel; and there is no contend 
 ing against nature. But though of great candor, he did not 
 wish to acknowledge or profess the real motives which led him 
 to hesitate : but rather to evade and raise difficulies. 
 
 The setting an example of matrimony, for the sake of peo- 
 pleing a new country, was suggested as an obligation upon 
 every good citizen; and that it behooved every good man to 
 see to it that he multiplied himself. To this he replied; that 
 he was not so sure of the truth of that proposition. That 
 when we saw nature using means to put people out of the 
 world, by pestilence and earthquakes, we could not be certain 
 that it was the will of Providence there should be more bro't 
 into it. And as it is of no consequence to such as have not 
 yet come into life, whether they ever come at all, he did not 
 see that those who did not come had reason to complain of 
 those who were but the negative causes of the non-existence. 
 
 There was a subtlety in this reasoning which the people 
 could not answsr ; yet they were not satisfied. It came to 
 this, at last, that he was under the necessity of explaining to 
 them the delicacy of his situation, that it did not become him, 
 the governor of a republic, to compel in matrimony in his 
 own case, or indeed in that of any other; and that he had no 
 reason to suppose that in any other way he could obtain the 
 hand of the inimmorata that he might select. 
 
 It Beemed to the multitude a ridiculous idea that there could 
 be any spinster in the colony, who would refuse the hand of 
 such a man as governor Farrago. But that if there should be 
 any one found so recreant, the voice of the people should 
 compel an acquiescence; that they would send through all 
 their border, and find out a damsel for my lord, the governor, 
 as in the case of king David, Ahasuerus, and others that are 
 read of in the scripture times. 
 
246 MODERN CHIVALRY. 
 
 Appalled at all idea of constraint, he was disposed to try 
 rather what might be accomplished by fair means. He had 
 heard of the emigration of the Creoles from St. Domingo, 
 which happened about this time, being driven from their own 
 country by the revolt of the negroes; some of these half mu 
 lattos themselves, or what are called mestizoes, and not being 
 of the fairest complexion, and pressed by great necessity, 
 might wish to match themselves with any person for a liveli 
 hood. Or, as another expedient, he thought of sending by a 
 trader a keg or two of whiskey to the Indian towns, to pur 
 chase a princess, who could be reconciled for a little calico to 
 leave her tribe. "But the people would hear of no Creole, nor 
 a savage, who would be running back like a pig that is bro't 
 from another settlement; or bringing her relations along with 
 her, of foreign maaners and attachments. They insisted on 
 his issuing his proclamation to call in all the spinsters, and se 
 lecting one from the assembled; some Abisha, the Shinamite, 
 or Esther not for a concubine, for they would have no con 
 cubine, but to be the lady of his hall, in a decent manner, 
 as became the magistrate of a Christian people. 
 
 His Excellency could not reconcile it to himself to procure 
 an assemblage of females by proclamation, as, in that case, 
 one must be rejected, and another chosen, which could not 
 but wound his own mind, as well as that of the unsuccessful 
 candidate; and he could not marry them all, even were they so 
 disposed ; for a plurality of wives, in modern times, could not 
 agree in one house, however it might have been in ancient, 
 when women were better tempered than at present. Besides 
 the accommodation of the country would not admit it. If he 
 took two, some honest settler might be without one. 
 
 To obviate the delicacy of a selection, it was suggested, the 
 procuring a number to be got together under the idea of a 
 spinning match, a thing well known in the country, and let 
 the best spinner take the prize; or to draw lots, as marriage is 
 but a lottery, which would be a way of avoiding all idea of 
 preference. 
 
MODERN CHIVALRY. 
 
 247 
 
 But, all things considered, it was thought the most conve 
 nient course to do as others did; and without making any 
 noise, to ride about the country a little to see the damsels in 
 their hamlets and at their spinning wheels, in their virgin 
 
 state and simple habilaments, with unadorned tresses. 
 r 
 
 In visiting the settlement, his excellency admired much 
 the spinning wheel, a piece of machinery which he saw in 
 almost every cabin. The attitude of the spinster is unques 
 tionably finer than that of a lady at the forte piano, or harp- 
 sicord; not altogether because it connects graue with industry, 
 and charms imagination at the same time that it engages 
 reason in its favor ; but because the position of the body be 
 hind the instrument, and with a front view to the beholders, 
 has a great advantage. The fact is, that a finely formed wo 
 man can be seen in no possible attitude to more advantage 
 than at the spinning wheel. At the forte piano, at a side 
 view, which is the best, for you cannot have a front view, 
 but a side view only, the intsrumont being in front, you see 
 but the profile of the face, and the person in an inclined pos 
 ture, with the shoulder stooping somewhat. Even the fingers, 
 however lightly they touch the instrument, are not seen to 
 more advantage, than those of the spinster when she draws 
 the lint from the rock with one hand, and rests the other on 
 her lap. I consider the Irish harp as but approaching the 
 spinning wheel, in exhibiting the person to advantage ; but 
 independent of connecting the idea of utility, figure to your 
 self this simple piece of mechanism, combining the circle 
 with the triangle in its form : the lever, the inclined plane, 
 the axis in the principle of motion ; the orders of architec 
 ture in the rounding of the pillars, from the turning loom ; 
 and the white maple stained in eccentric circles of bright 
 yellow, or scarlet dye ; the yellow of the rind of the shumack, 
 and the scarlet of the pacoon root, gathered by the female 
 hand from adjoining woods. The tripod of Apollo, made of 
 ebony, may present a resemblance ; but the trapezium on 
 which the foot rests, and puts in motion the machine, with 
 
248 MODERN CHIVALRY. 
 
 the neat ankle, and delicate slipper, is not easily painted to 
 the fancy, But when you raise your eye to the auburn, or 
 golden, or hair of raven wing ; with a complexion uniting 
 the lily with the rose, the pencilled brow, and eye of crystal 
 blue ; when you add to this the fingers of Hebe, disporting 
 with the lint ; the bust of Juno, the cincture and the smile 
 of Venus, and the vivacity and sense of Mnemosyne, you 
 may have an idea of what I have seen of beauty, and loveli 
 ness of the use of this instrument. A woman who sits with 
 ease and grace on horseback, presents her form to advantage; 
 but much more at the spinning wheel. 
 
 " And still she turned her spinning wheel," . 
 
 says the old song ; and if we ever hear of the Governor being 
 married, it is ten to one but it will be to a spinster. 
 
 THE END. 
 
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