iEx Sltbrta SEYMOUR DURST "t ' 'Fort txUmw ^4rn/le.rcla*n, oj> Je Matihatans (NEW YORK) , 1651 When you leave, please leave this book Because it has been said "Ever thing comes ( him who waits Except a loaned book.'' Avery Architectural and Fine Arts Library Gift of Seymour B. Durst Old York Library In same series: THE VERBALIST: A Manual devoted to Brief Discussions of the Right and the Wrong Use of Words, and to some other Matters of Interest to those who would Speak and Write with Propriety, including a Treatise on Punctuation. By Alfred Ayres.. i8mo, cloth, extra. Price, $1.00. THE ORTHOEPIST: A Pronouncing Manual, containing about Three Thou- sand Five Hundred Words, including a Considerable Number of the Names of Foreign Authors, Artists, etc., that are often mispronounced. By Alfred Ayres, author of "The Verbalist" i8mo, cloth, extra. Price, $:.oo. THE RHYMESTER; Or, The Rules of Rhyme. A Guide to English Versification, with a Dictionary of Rhymes, an Exami- nation of Classical Measures, and Comments upon Bur- lesque, Comic Verse, and Song- Writing. By the late Tom Hood. Edited, with Additions, by Arthur Penn. i8mo, cloth, extra. Price, $1.00. SOCIAL ETIQUETTE OF NEW YORK. " Custom forms us all : Our thoughts, our morals, our most fixed beliefs, Are consequences of our place of birth." Aaron Hill. " Man yields to custom, as he bows to fate ; In all things ruled — mind, body, and estate." George Crabbe. "There are not unfrequently substantial reasons underneath for cus- toms that appear to be absurd." Charlotte BrontE. NEW AND ENLARGED EDITION. NEW YORK: D. APPLETON AND COMPANY, I, 3, AND 5 BOND STREET. 1884. COPYRIGHT BY D. APPLETON AND COMPANY. 1878. CONTENTS. PAGE CHAPTER I. The Value of Etiquette 7 CHAPTER II. Introductions 15 CHAPTER III. Salutations 21 CHAPTER IV. Strangers in Town 31 CHAPTER V. Debuts in Society 37 CHAPTER VI. Visiting, and Visiting Cards for Ladies . 47 CHAPTER VII. Cards and Visiting Customs for Gentlemen . 59 CHAPTER VIII. Morning Receptions and Kettle-Drums . 69 CHAPTER IX. Giving and attending Parties, Balls, and Ger- mans 80 4 CONTE.\ TS. PAGE CHAPTER X. Dinner-Giving and Dining out ... 92 CHAPTER XI. Breakfasts, Luncheons, and Suppers . . .110 CHAPTER XII. Opera and Theatre Parties, Private Theatri- cals, AND MUSICALES Iig CHAPTER XIII. Etiquette of Weddings 126 CHAPTER XIV. Christenings and Birthdays .... 153 CHAPTER XV. Marriage Anniversaries 163 CHAPTER XVI. Extended Visits 171 CHAPTER XVII. Customs and Costumes at Theatres, Concerts, and Operas 1S1 CHAPTER XVIII. -Day in New York . . . 187 CHAPTER XIX. Fi m r m f Mourning . i<)7 SOCIAL ETIQUETTE IN NEW YORK. INTRODUCTION. In response to numerous and constant ap- plications from all parts of the country for information regarding social forms and usages in New York, the author has prepared a series of articles, in which special pains have been taken to make them represent faithfully and accurately existing customs in New York so- ciety, in distinction from the many manuals on the subject that have simply reproduced the codes of Paris and London. These foreign exemplars may have sufficed for all practi- cal purposes years ago, when both town and country were in a more rudimental stage of development ; but they are now clearly useless, when society has acquired a certain definite character, and New York is a law unto itself in 6 SOCIAL ETIQUETTE. the same way, if not in the same degree, as the great capitals of Europe. There is still a con- siderable variation of usage in circles ranking themselves as "our best society/' and no per- son not thoroughly conversant with the grada- tions could draw the line between the living law, which is to remain and grow with the city's growth, and the obsolete traditions, which only linger through their own inertia and the in- capacity of their devotees to adapt themselves to the larger present conditions of social develop- ment. The author of this manual has not at- tempted to modify or to improve upon existing forms, or to question either the taste or the propriety of our fixed usages, but to furnish a report or a description of our customs as taught and practised by the superior families of New York city. THE VALUE OF ETIQUETTE. To enter a social circle without being famil- iar with its customs and its best usages is like attempting to dance a quadrille without know- ing its forms. It is claimed that kindliness of heart and gentleness of manners will make rude- ness impossible. This is very true, but the finest and the sweetest of impulses, combined, fail to produce graceful habits or prevent painful awk- wardness. An intimate acquaintance with the refined customs and highest tones of society- insures harmony in its conduct, while igno- rance of them inevitably produces discords and confusion. Fortunate are those who were born in an atmosphere of intelligent refine- ment, because mistakes to them are almost impossible. They know no other way than the right one in the management of their social affairs. 8 SOCIAL ETIQUETTE. As to the unfortunates who have been reared at remote distances from the centres of civiliza- tion, there is nothing left for them to do but to make a careful study of unquestionable authority in those matters of etiquette which prevail among the most refined people. High breeding may be imitated, and a gentle courtesy of manner may be acquired through the same processes by which other accomplishment is perfected. Even a dis- agreeable duty may be so beautified by gracious- ness that it will appear almost as if it were a compliment. Elegant manners should not be considered beneath the attention of any man or any woman. They will carry a stranger farther up the heights of social ambition than money, mental culture, or personal beauty. Combine elegance of manner with thoughtfulness and any other of the three powers, and the world is van- quished. Etiquette is the machinery of society. It polishes and protects even while conducting its charge. It prevents the agony of uncertainty, and soothes even when it cannot cure the pains of blushing bashfulness. If one is certain of THE VALUE OF ETIQUETTE. 9 being correct, there is little to be anxious about. Etiquette may be despotic, but its cruelty is in- spired by intelligent kindliness. It is like a wall built up around us to protect us from disagree- able, underbred people, who refuse to take the trouble to be civil. Those who defy the rules of the best society, and claim to be superior to them, are always coarse in their moral fibre, however strong they may be intellectually. Different civilized nations have provided for themselves sets of rules which have been estab- lished slowly, carefully, and firmly, to suit their peculiar sentiments and requirements. These codes serve as a music that is felt, when not heard, and communities walk by it in beautiful harmony and ease. Etiquette once having be- come a fixed habit, ceases to be that dreadful thing which the too free American abhors. It is a steadfast friend, a sure guide, and an armor against which malicious arrows may fly without leaving a mark. There is no greater mistake than to suppose that etiquette must of necessity be a cold formality. The warmth or chill of one's conduct is regulated by private sentiment, 10 SOCIAL ETIQUETTE, and a kindliness is always all the more beautiful if it is gracefully and appropriately extended. Possibly those vagrants who scorn etiquette, and refuse to take the white high-road of a re- fined civilization, do not possess those necessary aptitudes for imitation which are requisite for the easy acquirement of customs and formalities which by birth are alien to them. Sneering is not infrequently a thin and foolish veil by which they endeavor to hide their lack of birth and breeding. If such undisciplined persons would only submit to custom, and use their best powers of adaptation, they would soon discover that formality is as easy as a tune that sings itself in one's thought without a sound being heard. The slight and agreeable variations which are often made in the forms and usages of well-bred people in their intercourse with the world may be compared to the different parts of that same melody. Courtesy is inherited only by Nature's favorites, and brusqucric, through the " irony of fate," is often the unfortunate natural expression of tendeiest souls; but inheritances may be es- ►ed by the will, just as a club-foot may be 1 THE VALUE OF ETIQUETTE. \\ made straight if taken in season and persistently righted. A courteous person, with a natural misfortune of form or features, may become the most delightful of society's favorites, if winning charms of manner are acquired and practiced. Etiquette can no more justly be called coldness, than vulgar, loud and gushing warmth can be considered attractive or elegant. Individual tendencies guide us in the con- duct of our lives, but they are not trustworthy instructors in the prevailing and most acceptable etiquette for arranging our relations with our friends and acquaintances, or of entertaining our guests. From the unsettled state of sentiment and opinion which prevailed among us a few years ago, fortunately we are mostly emancipated. We may, and doubtless did, appear " grotesquely raw," as our English critic declared, and tres drole, according to the better-bred Parisian visit- or, and very likely neither of these sharers of our too abundant hospitalities will approve of our present style of conducting our social affairs whenever and wherever these points shall differ 12 SOCIAL ETIQUETTE. from their own established formalities; but that matters nothing to us. We possess an undeni- able right to ordain a social code of our own, and we confess frankly and thankfully that we have imitated whatever we have considered wisest and pleasantest in the habits of French, English, and other nations. As the formality of social matters in France is less heavy and more graceful than it is in England, New York, which is admitted to be the metropolitan city of Amer- ica, has discreetly chosen its customs largely from the former, modifying and adapting them to accord with our national conditions. Everything which refines the habits of a people ennobles it, and hence the importance of furnishing to the public all possible aids to supe- rior manners. Even frugality itself has its beautiful methods of being elegant and hospitable, and no one need be less attractive in his courtesies because he happens not to be rich. Delicate attentions and the charms of a superior manner will compel a simple entertainment to seem like a royal ban- quet, and lend to a modest house a smile of fas THE VALUE OF ETIQUETTE. 13 cinating beauty. The charm of this achieve- ment lies in the art of receiving and entertain- ing ; and a cordial courtesy which is not oppres- sive, but which sits lightly upon both giver and receiver, is the perfection of hospitality. The costliest banquetings are unacceptable to the highly-bred gentleman or lady if their appoint- ments be wanting in good taste, and their con- duct be awkward. Awkwardness is the twin-brother of embar- rassment, and they are never separated. A delicate, prompt, and appropriate courtesy is superior to an untimely honor. None but the thoughtless or the vulgar (and to be thoughtless is to be vulgar, some wise man insists,) indulge in excesses of any kind. The numbers of the in- vited guests, and the quantity and quality of their feastings, are subjects for nice considera- tion, and the condition of the public mind and also the public purse will go far toward measur- ing out the grade of a banquet, and controlling the quality of an entertainment. Courteous hosta will never violate a public sentiment in then pleasures. It is quite enough of moral combat 14 SOCIAL ETIQUETTE. to trample down prejudice and wrong. If the community be sorrowful or depressed, no well- bred individual will make a parade of rejoicing. If financial anxieties weary and worry the mass- es, fortunate individuals, with delicate sentiments or refined feelings, express no social rejoicings. No feasts and no festivities will be given in the presence of neighboring poverty or distress. This influencing sentiment of common sym- pathy was born and nourished by republicanism. Free as we are in all our opinions, and also in the expression of them, a common brotherhood clasps our hearts closely, and a common formula of courtesies, which is known as our own social etiquette, should be the thoroughly understood method of communicating our regard for each other. While this etiquette becomes gentle speech for kindly people, it also serves as a guard and preserver of our household sanctit II. INTRODUCTIONS. Ladies of social equality are introduced to each other, and so also are gentlemen. The latter, however, are always presented to ladies. The distinction in the form is an agreeable and proper homage to womankind, which a true gentleman is glad to pay to her. The forms of introductions and presentations must necessarily differ in a country where an equality of citizenship is established by constitu- tional law. The endeavor to fix social formali- ties by a judicial power becomes a comical ab- surdity when attempted in New York ; therefore intellectual development, refined culture, and gentleness of breeding, combine to arrange our forms of presentation and introduction in such flexible ways as shall satisfy all grades of society. It is probable that from the foreign custom of announcing guests from the thresholds of salons 16 SOCIAL ETIQUETTE. by a loud-voiced servant is acquired our habit of mentioning the name of the less important or the younger person first. To make this distinc- tion appear less emphatic, when the difference between the parties introduced is a debatable one, it has become the formal custom among many to say, " Mrs. A., this is Mrs. H. ; Mrs. H., Mrs. A." A balance of respect is thus struck, or very nearly so, by this arrangement. If a gentleman is presented to a lady by a gentleman, of course permission is first secured from the lady, and afterward the presentation is made complimentary by its formula : " Mr. Mor- timer desires to be presented to Mrs. or Miss Fairfax." Or if the lady or gentleman making the pres. entation desires the unknown parties to become acquainted for his or her own personal reasons, he or she says : " This is Mr. Mortimer, Mrs. Fairfax. It gives me pleasure to present him to you." The married lady replies according to her inclination, of course regulating the expres- sion of her sentiments by courtesy and good^ breeding. If she be glad to know Mr. Morti- IX TROD UCTIONS. \ 7 mer, she says so with frankness and cordiality ; and she briefly thanks the presenting party as soon as she has accepted the new acquaintance, and then the presenter retires. The young lady can only express a polite recognition of the gentleman presented, by bowing, smiling, and mentioning the name of the new acquaintance as a response. The expressed gratification is all made by the gentleman, and he will never fail to say some complimentary thing to her in regard to the ceremony. Two ladies may extend hands to each other, and so also may two gentlemen, although hand-shaking is not so common as for- merly. The introduced parties maybe as friend- ly as they please to each other, although exces- sive cordiality is not considered a part of high- breeding at the first meeting of people in gen- eral society, because the estimate in which stran- gers hold each other usually rests upon a flimsy or a fictitious basis. Hearty good-fellowship de- mands something more than an inventory of the features of those whom we meet. If the difference in age between two ladies Qr two gentlemen be unmistakably perceptible^ 18 SOCIAL ETIQUETTE. the younger is introduced to the elder. If a publicly-admitted superiority exists, age, unless very advanced, is unconsidered in this formality. The unknown to fame is presented to the fa- mous. The single lady is introduced to the married lady, and the single gentleman to the married, other things being equal. Those persons who have been born and reared in the best society never make a hasty presentation or introduction. An habitual though momentary reflection adjusts in their own minds the proper relation of the two who are about to be made known to each other, and unpleasant mistakes thus become almost impos- sible. In another chapter sufficient is written in regard to that easy elegance of manner which every person should acquire and maintain at a private party, or in the reception-room of one who has been a hostess. Introductions should be considered wholly unnecessary i isant conversation. Every person should feel that he is, at least for the time being, upon INTRODUCTIONS. 19 a social equality with every guest who is present. That a person was bidden to the entertainment proves that the host so considers him, and the acceptance of the invitation levels him, for the time being, either up or down to the social grade of all whom he may meet, no matter at what esti- mate he may hold himself when elsewhere. A lady or gentleman must conduct himself or her- self, while remaining in the house, as if there were no more exalted society than that which is pres- ent. To converse above the comprehension of a temporary companion is an unpardonable ego- tism, and to convey to a fellow-guest the impres- sion that surroundings superior to the present are the only ones with which the speaker is fa- miliar is incontrovertible testimony to the con- trary. If polished people were his only custom- ary society, unpleasant comparisons would be impossible to his tongue. Genuine excellence is never compelled to assert or explain itself, if it happens to be thrown among a people with less polished formalities of manner, or a less elegant conduct of social matters. A nobility of senti- ment compels its possessors to be agreeable to 20 SOCIAL ETIQUETTE. simpler folk whom they meet, and an introduc- tion to an inferior in breeding and position will never be met with other than a kindly acknowl- edgment. It is for the gently bred to show by example the attractions of a higher standard of conduct. Superiority of character is never out- wardly disturbed by contact with lesser excel- lence. It is self-centred, and holds itself in readi- ness to compel others to be content with its presence. There should be no wounded vanity stirring in the heart of the one who is presented, nor an inflated pride in the mind of the person who receives a new acquaintance. The accepted formalities for making presentations should be familiar to every host and hostess, but it must not be forgotten that miscellaneous introductions have fallen into disuse. Indeed, they are seldom made except in compliance to a request, or as a social necessity at dinners, dances, etc. A su- perior breeding compels conversation to be easy and entertaining between strangers who meet at the house of a friend, as if their names had been pronounced. III. SALUTATIONS. If bowing to a lady expressed deference, then might any gentleman incline his head to every woman he met ; but it does not. It means recognition and nothing else, and it is her pre- rogative to offer this, and the gentleman's to ac- cept it. Under no circumstances have merely formal acquaintances, who are equals in age and position, a right to change this formality. Be- tween intimate friends, it is immaterial which bows first, the gentleman or lady. The lady may be distant or cordial in her salutation, and the gentleman must be respectfully responsive to her manner, and claim no more attention than she offers to him. A carefully-bred lady will never be capricious in her public recognitions of gentlemen, nor will she be demonstrative. Self- respect withholds her from expressing any pri- vate sentiments of dislike in her public greet- 22 SOCIAL ETIQUETTE. ings, although she may refuse to recognize an acquaintance for good and sufficient reasons. Her greetings will be fully polite, or they will not be given at all. She will not insult an ac- quaintance by a frigid salutation, which may be observed by strangers. Under all circumstances, upon the promenade, the street, or in other pub- lic places, her smiles are faint and her bows are reserved, but they are not discourteous, and no gentleman possesses the right to criticise this dignified demeanor, no matter how cordially she may have received him at a recent ball, or when he last paid his respects to her at her home. A faint smile and a formal bow are all that the most refined lady accords to the visitor of her family when she passes him in her walks or drives. If a gentleman lifts his hat and stops after she has recognized him, he may ask her permission to turn and accompany her for a little, or even a long distance. Under no cir- cumstances will he stand still in the street to converse with her, or be offended if she excuse herself and pass on. She may be in haste, or Otherwise absorbed, and his conversation may be SALUTATIONS. 23 an interruption to her thought, even though she be at other times graciously pleased to entertain him with her social accomplishments. Neither may he ask this favor of her unless he be an ad- mitted friend and visitor of her family. A lady may remember and recognize a gen- tleman who has been formally presented to her, even when he cannot recall her face, so much change does evening toilet and gaslight often create in a lady's appearance. His acknowledg- ment of her recognition must be as respectfully courteous to an apparent stranger as it would be to a valued friend. The passers in the street know no difference in individuals. A gentleman is compelled to suppose that an apparent lady is a lady, but a lady may use her own knowledge in public places, and, for excellent reasons, be- come oblivious of those whom she does not in- clude within her circle of friends. The same formalities must be observed at entertainments. The gentleman who is a formal acquaintance waits patiently for the lady-guest to recognize his presence. Of course at a pri- vate party no lady will be purposely uncivil to 2-4 SOCIAL ETIQUETTE. any fellow-guest. It would be a discourtesy to an entertainer. Neither will she show sufficient gratification at meeting a gentleman, that the most self-admiring of that sex, to whom vanity is not traditionally imputed, shall be enabled to imagine that she craves his attention. When entering a parlor to pay a brief visit, a gentleman should always carry his hat, leav- ing his overshoes, overcoat, and umbrella in the hall if it be winter time. The lady rises to re- ceive him, unless she is an invalid, or advanced in years, in which case she receives him seat- ed, and excuses herself from rising. If she ex- tends her hand to him, he takes it respectfully; but he does not remove his glove, as was the old style. He never offers his hand first. He can- not do this any more than the mere acquaint- ance can bow first. If it be a hasty call, and others are present, he seldom seats himself, and takes leave very soon after another gentleman enters, even though his stay has been very brief. The lady still retains her seat and bows X\qt adicux, without extending her hand a second time, even if Bhe offered it upon his entrance. Hand-shaking SALUTATIONS. 25 is very properly falling into disuse in ordinary visits. A lady never accompanies a gentleman to the door of the drawing-room, much less to the vestibule, unless she desires him to understand that she entertains a profoundly respectful re- gard for him. She introduces him to no one, unless there be some especial reason why this formality should take place ; but he converses with her other guests just as if he had met them before. No after recognition is warranted be- tween gentlemen, or between ladies, and cer- tainly not between a lady and gentleman, until they shall meet again in the drawing-room, when the gift of mutual speech is resumed. This cus- tom may have its unpleasant aspects, but it is one of the safeguards of society. If the parties desire to be presented to each other, the oppor- tunity is afforded them at these casual meetings. The hostess cannot easily refuse this formality if she be asked to perform it ; and, if the acquaint- ance be mutually agreeable, it is well; but, if not, the lady can terminate it speedily between herself and a gentleman. It may not end thus 26 SOCIAL ETIQUETTE. abruptly between ladies, or between gentlemen, and an easy after-nod of recognition costs noth- ing, and it may afford pleasure to another. Cer- tainly there must be some positive cause for dislike that can prevent a well-bred person from bowing to one who has been admitted to the house of a mutual acquaintance, and properly introduced. Kindliness, considerateness, and all gracious courtesies belong together, and the gently bred are not likely to forget to express these charming virtues. There may be circumstances when a gentle- man may lift his hat to a passing lady, even though he cannot bow to her. She may be of- fended with him, and yet he may respect and feel kindly toward her. He may deserve her disregard, and it is permitted him to express his continued reverence by uncovering his head in her presence; but he has no right to look at her as she passes him. He must drop his eyes. He lifts his hat to a lady whom he passes in a hall or corridor, unless the place be a thorough- fare, but he docs not rest his glance upon her. SALUTATIONS. 27 This is an expression of respect and courtesy to the sex. It not infrequently happens when gentlemen are driving, that they cannot touch their hats because too closely occupied ; but a cordial bow- satisfies the most exacting of ladies under such circumstances. When riding in the saddle he may lift his hat, or touch its rim with his whip, according to convenience. Etiquette permits both styles of greeting. In passing a group of mourners at a door- way, where their dead is being carried forth, or a funeral cortege in a quiet street, a gentleman will uncover his head. This is a beautiful French custom, and it is now so fully incorpo- rated with our own habits that it may well be styled a part of our street etiquette. It is cer- tainly an appropriate recognition of a sorrow that some time or other falls to the lot of all of us. A gentleman always lifts his hat when offering a service to a strange lady. It may be the res- toration of her kerchief or fan, the receiving of her change to pass it to the cash box of a stage, 28 SOCIAL ETIQUETTE. the opening of her umbrella as she descends from a carriage — all the same ; he lifts it before he offers his service, or during the courtesy, if possible. She bows, and, if she choose, she also smiles her acknowledgment; but she does the latter faintly, and she does not speak. To say " Thank you !" is not an excess of acknowledg- ment, but it has ceased to be etiquette. ^A bow may convey more gratitude than speech. This last information is more especially fur- nished to foreigners, who consider our ladies ungracious in some of their customs, and in- delicately forward in others. In the matter of thanks to strangers for any little attentions they bestow upon ladies, we beg leave to establish our own methods, and no one finds it necessary to imitate the German, the French, the English, or the Spanish, in these delicate matters. A gentleman opens a door for a strange lady, holds it open with one hand and lifts his hat with the other, while she passes through in ad- vance of him. He always offers her the pre- cedence; but he docs it silently, and without resting his gaze upon her, as if he would SALUTATIONS. 20 "You are a lady and I am a gentleman. I am polite for both our sakes. You may be young and charming, or you may be old and ugly ; it is all the same to me. I have not looked at you to discern, but I am certain that you are a lady." A gentleman who is walking in the street with a lady, touches his hat, and bows to whom- ever she salutes in passing. This is done in compliment to her acquaintance, who is most likely a stranger to him. If accompanying her across a drawing-room, and she bows to a friend, he inclines his head also ; but he does not speak. He always raises his hat when he begs a lady's pardon for an inadvertence, whether he is known to her or not. Ladies who entertain hospitably, and possess hosts of acquaintances, are likely to invite many young gentlemen with whose families they are familiar, but who seldom have an opportunity of seeing their young friends except for a moment or two during an evening party. It would be strange if, sometimes, these ladies should not fail to recognize a late guest when they meet on 30 SOCIAL ETIQUETTE, the promenade. Young gentlemen are over- sensitive about these matters, and imagine that there must be a reason for this apparent indiffer- ence. If young gentlemen were not compelled, or did not choose to make their party calls by card, they would less often suffer through these omissions of courtesy. That a lady invites him to her house is an evidence of her respect ; but she cannot charge her memory with the features of her multitude of young acquaintances, much as she would like to show this courtesy to them all. She is very likely a matron with many social cares, and this is one of those exceptional cases when a gentleman should be permitted to lift his hat, and spare the lady from an after-conscious- ness of having wounded his feelings. They are neither equals in age nor position, consequent- ly he may use his own refined discretion as to whether he will express recognition or not. It would not be improper, because she is his supe- rior. She desired him to be her guest, which signified her acceptance of his acquaintance, and this acquaintance has thus become something more than formal. IV. STRANGERS IN TOWN. It is the rule among our best people to call upon the stranger who is in town. It is contrary to the usages of most polite nations, but we long ago adopted it, and present society approves of it. It has its pleasant and its unpleasant aspects, but the more satisfactory ones predominate. When a circle is large enough, and agreeable enough, combining such varieties of people as make it entertaining, a stranger, who is sensitive and considerate, feels unwilling to intrude upon it without an invitation. To thrust one's self among those who feel no social needs, requires an amount of self-approbation that is not pos- sessed by the really admirable character. On the other hand, it is exceedingly unfortunate for the stranger who must wait outside the gates of society until some one shall think of him, and find time and inclination to go out of a pleasant 32 SOCIAL ETIQUETTE. circle and invite the lonely individual into its charmed precincts. But, then, who of us is there who would not rather wait and be sought, than to be considered an eager intruder ? Time may seem to move too slowly to the impatient lover of society, but still it does not stand still, and recognition comes eventually if the stranger possesses attractive qualities of mind, manner, and character. If the visitor brings letters of introduction, an entree to society is easy through the usually observed forms, which will be fully treated in another chapter. If strangers who have come to reside with us, or even to visit our locality, bear credentials of respectability, courteous and hos- pitable residents will call upon them, after suffi- cient time has elapsed for the recently-arrived to have adjusted themselves to their new positions. No introduction is necessary in such case. The resident ladies call between two and five o'clock, send in their own with their husbands' or their fathers' or brothers' cards, and, if they find the strangers disengaged, a brief and cordial interview ends the first visit. This must be re- STRANGERS IN TOWN 33 turned within a week, or a note of apology and explanation for the omission is sent, and the re- turn-visit is then paid later on. If a card be sent in return for this visit, or is left in person without an effort to see the parties who have made the first visit, it is understood that the strangers prefer solitude, or that there are rea- sons why they cannot receive visitors. The one who has offered the welcoming hand of kindli- ness will have fulfilled a social duty, and there is no reason for regretting the attempt to entertain the stranger. It is more than possible that some unhappy circumstance compels this reserve. At any rate, it is far better to look for some sweet spring as the source of all incomprehensible con- duct than it is to imagine an unpleasant or bitter one. A gentleman should not make a first call upon the ladies of the family of a new-comer without an introduction or an invitation. His lady friend, or kinswoman, may leave his card, and he may receive an invitation, verbal or written, to make the new acquaintance. Under such circum- stances the usual formality of introduction may 24 SOCIAL ETIQUETTE. be made by his second visiting-card, which he will send in to announce himself at the time of his call, provided he pays his respects to the new household unaccompanied by a common friend. The sending of his card to the strangers was an unmistakable request to make their acquaint- ance. If his visits be undesirable, the way is opened for an easy method of declining them. His card need not be noticed. This refusal of friendliness is far less awkward and unpleasant for both parties than to ask permission verbally to become a visitor and be verbally rejected. Sometimes there are unfortunate family compli- cations or conditions which compel a refusal of gentlemen's society, but which are unexplainable. Painful necessities are oftenest the very ones least easy of explanation. No gentleman pos- sesses a reasonable ground for offense, or for feeling hurt, if he be not admitted as a visitor to a family whose circumstances and conditions are unfamiliar to him. It is not difficult to imagine that the stranger who refuses to make a new friend is likely to suffer more than the rejected on. STRANGERS IN TOWN. 35 A stranger can make no overtures for ac- quaintance to older residents, but, as frequently happens in large towns, two people may have desired each other's society for a long time, but the formalities of an introduction have been beyond easy reach. Or their names even may have been unknown to each other. They meet at the house of a friend, and conversation, either with or without presentation, often leads to a wish for further intercourse. This desire is ex- pressed, and a mutual interchange of kindly interest and addresses takes place. The ques- tion then arises, " Who shall pay the first visit ? " This is one of those matters which settle them- selves. Mutual liking and sincere expressions of regard prepare the way for either one to make the initiative call. If one lady be the younger by many years, she should call first. This eti- quette is based upon the supposition that the elder lady belongs to a larger circle of friends, and has more pressing social duties than the younger one. If the parties are equal in age and position, the one whose reception-day arrives earliest should receive the first call. 3C SOCIAL ETIQUETTE. If their " at-home " hours are at the same time, a mutual arrangement, or the urgency of their admiration for each other, will settle this easily enough without formality. Aged gentlemen or ladies, an eminent per- sonage or a clergyman, always receive the first call. Jt is proper to leave a card for them, even when they are known to be too much en- gaged either to receive in person or to return calls of ceremony. The card signifies respectful and appreciative remembrance. No custom is more significant of the highest and noblest breeding and the gentlest culture, than that of remembering the aged in all pleasant formalities. Our citizens are accused by other nations of indifference to those who are advanced in years. This may be true of selfish people and of plebeians, but it is not true of our refined and high-toned members of society. A thoughtful courtesy and a tender consideration make the late afternoon of life beautiful with respectful regard, even when a lack of familiar acquaint- ance has withheld affectionate devotion. V. DEBUTS IN SOCIETY. This expression really signifies less than it ought in America, and it applies, in its ordinary sense, to ladies only. The gentleman of Europe, especially the first-born in England, is consid- ered worthy of especial notice on the day upon which he attains his majority. Oftener than otherwise, the honors thrust upon him at this time by those who are beyond the strict limits of kinship, are measured by his prospective im- portance. It is quite otherwise with the young lady, either in Europe or America. According to the combined convictions and desires of parent and child, the time fixed for the girl to become a young lady, in the estimation of soci- ety, is from seventeen to twenty. If there are older unwed sisters, her debut is often postponed, for reasons which need no explanation. The mamma determines the time when, by a proper 38 SOCIAL ETIQUETTE. celebration, her daughter shall be accepted by the world as a fully matured woman, who may receive the homage of gentlemen if she desires their attention. She marks this transition from girl-life to young ladyhood by inviting only fit- ting friends to her house, where she may present this daughter to them as a member of their circle. This ceremony should convey the in- formation to the world that the young lady has been graduated in all the accomplishments and knowledge necessary for her uses as a woman of society. In fact, it should mean that she has been instructed in all that deft wisdom which will be required by a belle of her circle and a queen of a household, for which she is, as all women are, a candidate. Young lady readers will object to this assertion, but it is, neverthe- less, a fact. It is common for them to decline matrimony before they are invited to accept it, on principles of modesty, just as ambitious politicians refuse an office before nomination. It is natural for women to become wives, and all the proper aims of a girl's life tend toward this relation, the hero DEBUTS IN SOCIETY, 39 of which surely lives somewhere in her hopes of the future, no matter how vague and shape- less that other perhaps unknown but essential party to the alliance may be, who is hidden away in her imagination. He is most certainly in existence, else debuts in society would never have been formulated as an essential etiquette. A debut is a barrier between an immaturity of character and culture, and an admission of the completion of both. Previous to this event a young girl is not supposed to be sufficiently in- telligent to be interesting to her elders among her own sex, and certainly not worldly-wise enough to associate with gentlemen. In New York's best society she is never seen at a party that is composed of mature people outside of her father's house, previous to the finishing of her education ; nor is she present at any formal entertainment given at her own resi- dence, except it be on birthday anniversaries, christenings, or marriages. Even admitting that the young girl be preco- cious enough to be interesting to her mother's guests, and that she possesses sufficient maturitv 40 , SOCIAL ETIQUETTE. of intellect, and is discreet in her conversation with her elders, and with gentlemen in particu- lar, a single taste of the fascinations of social life would interrupt the quiet and grave comple- tion of her education, which is supposed to be at its most important state of progression and advancement between the ages of fifteen and eighteen years. This explanation of our customs may be re- ceived partly as an expostulation intended for smaller towns, where young girls often enter society before leaving school. If this pernicious custom could only be made unfashionable in localities where it exists, the young girl would submit to remain a student much longer, and her expectant circle would receive a superior woman when she enlarges it with her matured presence. Just previous to her formal presentation or debut, her mother and her elder unmarried sis- ters — if she have them — pay visits, or at least leave their own with their father's and brothers' cards, upon all acquaintances whom they intend to invite to be present at the debut. Engraved invitations follow this formality, and they are DEBUTS IN SOCIETY. 41 issued about ten days previous to the event. If they are sent by post, an extra outer envelope incloses all the invitations that are directed to one family. If they are delivered by messenger, the outer wrap is no longer in use. The post has become as suitable a method as any for conveying social messages. One envelope is directed to Mr. and Mrs. A. If there are more daughters than one, the address is, " Misses A.," or, if preferred, "The Misses A." Each son re- ceives a separate invitation. The question need not be asked why each young gentleman in the same household be individually bidden to be present when the daughters are not separately invited, because the answer would not be clear. It is the custom. Replies are sent in the names of the parties addressed on the envelopes. The invitation is engraved in script, or, if crest or cipher be used, it may be placed on the envelope, and is in form similar to that used for parties, which we shall give in a later chapter. Cards have been shown us on which the special purpose of the party is stated, with the name of the young lady who is to make her debut 42 SOCIAL ETIQUETTE. engraved upon it ; but this is rarely done, and has not the sanction of the more fastidious people. The following is the formula if such a card is used : MR. AND MRS. H. W. SAYCROFT request the pleasure of presenting their eldest [or second, etc.,] daughter. Miss Katherine Felicia, to on Monday evenings May gth, at half -past eight d clock. Dancing at eleven. No. 59 Great Hubert Street. A more acceptable method is simply to in- close the card of the young lady in the envelope containing the invitation. The reply is written and forwarded directly, and corresponds in style to the invitation, in the following manner : MR. AND MRS. A. V. JANSEN witkpUan Mr. and Mrs. II. \Y. Sai \'h. No. (> Tu lor Place. April 30 DEBUTS IN SOCIETY. 43 The young ladies use the same form, and commence their note with " The Misses Say- croft," or in whatever style the invitation is sent to them. The young gentlemen follow the same custom. Intimate friends may send flowers on the day of the young girl's first appearance, if they please ; but it is not a rigid custom. It is only a pretty and pleasant welcome to her as she enters the world. The young lady stands at the left of the mother during the reception of guests, and is presented to her elders and to ladies. Of course, welcomes and brief congratulatory compliments are offered to her by each guest, and then place is made for the presentation of others who are arriving. When supper is announced, if there is no brother, the father escorts the young lady to the table, and the mother follows at the last, accom- panied by the most honored of the gentlemen present. If there be a brother, the father leads the way with the eldest or most distinguished lady of the party, and the brother escorts the 44 SOCIAL ETIQUETTE. debutante, and places her at her father's left hand. The gentleman who is her partner in the first dance is usually selected by the mother from among the nearest and dearest friends of the family ; more than likely he is a kinsman. He dances but once with her ; nor does any other gentleman ask for this honor a second time, although he may express his regret to her that such a pleasure is denied him by the natural rights of others who wish to be her partner upon this first evening of her appearance. Visits of ceremony that are paid to the hostess following this entertainment of course include this young lady, but during her first season in society she has no card of her own. Nor does she pay formal visits alone. If she be the eldest unwed daughter, her name is engraved as Miss Savcroft, beneath that of her mother. If she have elder sisters at home, her name is engraved j Katherine Felicia Savcroft. During this first season she does not receive gentlemen visitors without a chaperon under any pressure of circumstances. If her mother be unable to DEBUTS IN SOCIETY. 45 receive with her, she declines a visit. After the first season her own separate card may be left, either alone or with those of other members of her family. This formality past, the young lady may be considered launched into that fascinating world of social intercourse and fashionable pleasures toward which she has most likely looked long- ingly for two or three years. The young gentleman somehow slips into society without formality. Whether or not it is because during the early years of the man he usually dislikes young ladies who are not his cousins, or because he is off at college and fully absorbed, it is not easy to determine. Certain it is that the young man finds his way into the charmed circle without much difficulty. He begins by endeavoring to assist his mother at her entertainments, and by being an escort to his sisters on informal evening visits among lady intimates, where his maturity and attractions win for him a future invitation. If he has been educated abroad, or has been absent from home, upon his return to town his 46 SOCIAL ETIQUETTE. mother or sisters leave his card with their own, which bit of paper signifies that his family ex- pect him to be included in whatever courtesies and hospitalities are extended to themselves. " The lad seldom longs for society, but the lass craves it the moment that she feels a stir of self-consciousness, ,, insists an observer of the differences between boys and girls. If this be a truth, the necessary dividing line between the miss and the young lady cannot be too strongly marked, nor the importance of that formal bar- rier called a debut be overestimated. VI. VISITING AND VISITING-CARDS FOR LADIES. To the unrefined or the underbred person, the visiting-card is but a trifling and insignificant bit of paper; but, to the cultured disciple of social law, it conveys a subtle and unmistakable intelligence. Its texture, style of engraving, and even the hour of leaving it, combine to place the stranger whose name it bears in a pleasant or a disagreeable attitude, even before his man- ners, conversation, and face have been able to explain his social position. The higher the civilization of a community, the more careful it is to preserve the elegance of its social forms. It is quite as easy to express a perfect breeding in the fashionable formalities of cards as by any other method, and perhaps, indeed, it is the safest herald of an introduction for a stranger. Its texture should be fine, its engraving a plain script, its size neither too small, so that its re- 48 SOCIAL ETIQUETTE. cipients shall say to themselves, " A whimsical person," nor too large, to suggest ostentation. Refinement seldom touches extremes in any- thing. No flourishes, but clear, medium-sized letters, with the prefix of " Mrs." or " Miss " in every case, except where there is a title. No lady should use a suggestion of her husband's political honors, religious rank, military or naval position, or his professional occupation, either by abbreviation or otherwise. She does not wish to be honored for his sake, but for her own. A lady may be mentioned with the honor- able prefix that her husband bears, but she should never assume it herself. It is not eti- quette, and is in bad taste. Besides, there is no limit arranged for grades. If one lady is to be called " Mrs. Mayor Puff," there is another who, upon the same principle, should be styled "Mrs. Detective Key," or" Mrs. City Scavenger Spade." Ladies who are not themselves professional never prefix a title to their cards. Nor r they, even when their family pride of pla< e is at its fiercest, be< custom permits her to leave her hlisbai id with Ik r own upon all those VISITING-CARDS FOR LADIES. 49 occasions which require hers, and in many in- stances the use of his card with hers is a mat- ter of strict etiquette. The card is the medium of social intercourse when we are in our gayest moods, and we choose it to convey our sympathies to the sorrowful. The friendliest sentiments are expressed by a timely card, and our coldest and bitterest dis- likes can be similarly carried to an enemy. It tells its little story of fondness or of indif- ference, according to the promptness and the method of its arrival. It announces a friend, and it says adieu. It congratulates delicately, but unmistakably, and it is the brief bearer of tidings which a volume could explain with no more clearness. The card etiquette of the best society of New York is necessarily different from what it would be if our royalty and rank were inherited, in- stead of acquired. The same formalities prevail throughout the entire country, with the excep- tion of Washington, which has customs peculiar to its fluctuating political conditions, more or less modified by the presence of foreign embas- 50 SOCIAL ETIQUETTE. sadors. Card and other etiquette, in that single city, is governed by its own social by-laws, to which no other place could conform, even if it chose to imitate our national capital. In France the stranger always pays the first visit, either with or without an introductory let- ter. In England, among equals in rank, an in- vitation to call follows the leaving of a card, provided the acquaintance is desired. In New York, an introduction is a formal necessity. An acquaintance to be formed between strangers may be arranged by card, where a personal pre- sentation is inconvenient. Letters of introduc- tion are not now so frequently used as formerly, unless some explanation is required. The intro- ducing lady uses the following formula, neatly and distinctly written, upon the upper half, at the left-hand corner, of his or her own visiting- card : MRS. I li IX GRANDCOURT. This card is enclosed in an envelope with that of the lady desiring this presentation. This envelope must be of a fine quality, and VISITING-CARDS FOR LADIES. 51 either posted or sent by messenger. There was a time when a messenger only was considered either proper or courteous, but the postal deliv- ery is now approved, and is equally appropriate for the uses of the greater part of a lady's mes- sages. The lady who receives the two cards must call in person, or, if this be impossible, some member of the family must call, or a letter be sent by special messenger to explain the omission. Nothing less than this is possible, without offending the introducing party. If the call is made upon the sender of the two cards, not more than three days should inter- vene between this courtesy and the introduction. This visit must be as promptly returned, unless an " At home " day is mentioned, either upon the visiting-card or during the interview. If no special courtesies are extended, and the intro- duced lady resides at a distance, she must leave a card with P. P. C. {pour prendre conge') written upon it, to give information of her departure ; but, if their acquaintance has gone no farther than one visit each, she need not call again, and her leave-taking card closes the courtesy. If 52 SOCIAL ETIQUETTE. she be a resident of the city, she may include the new acquaintance in her formal visiting-list, and invite her to receptions; but she cannot first ask the acquaintance, whom she has herself desired, to a breakfast, luncheon, or dinner. It would be obtrusive. The first hospitality is a privilege that is very properly reserved to the one who has received an unsought acquaint- ance. After a personal introduction, the oldest resi- dent may, if she choose, leave a card, which must be similarly acknowledged within a week, unless a visiting day is engraved or written upon the card of the first caller, when that special occasion cannot be overlooked without a return card or a written apology. No further visiting is necessary, unless mutually convenient or agreeable. Even this limited intercourse makes frequent meetings in society easier and more agreeable, and it involves nothing. It is simply ornamenting the barren wastes of speechl* ncss. When a lady changes her residence, she must I, with her new address, upon those VISITING-CARDS FOR LADIES. 53 to whom she is indebted for a visit ; but she need not enter, and she may send it by post to those upon whom she made the last call. Her new neighborhood may be out of the limits of her late friends' visiting range, or it may be located in a street that is distasteful ; hence the first card should never include a call upon formal acquaintances. When a lady leaves town for the summer, or for a voyage, if the season be well advanced, she sends her own and her family's P. P. C. cards, with temporary address upon them, by mail, when she has had no opportunity of taking leave during an accidental interview. When she re- turns to town again she sends out her cards, with or without an " At home " day upon them. The properly-kept visiting-book of each lady will decide who should pay the first call in the autumn. If a young lady is to be married, she leaves her card in person, about three weeks before the event ; but she does not visit. Her mother's or chaperons card accompanies her own. Their names are not engraved together, as they may 54 SOCIAL ETIQUETTE. have been upon their previous visiting-cards. The young lady, being about to assume a new- dignity, very properly leaves an independent name and address for each lady member of the household which she honors. Its signification is plain. She desires to retain their friendship in her new relation ; and, as she is about to be the central figure of another house, and the dis- penser of its courtesies, it is proper for her to leave this intimation of a future welcome to gentlemen and ladies alike. (Other card for- malities for weddings will be found in their proper chapter.) If a death occurs in the household of a friend, a card with any appropriate sentiment written upon it, or a bouquet of cut-flowers and a card, are sent directly. This bouquet is not intended for a funeral parade, but an emblem of personal sympathy and affection. The same gentle recog- nition of any felicitous event, such as the birth of a child, a private wedding, the entering of a new house, etc., is a pleasant, but not rigid, etiquette among friends and admirers. Among acquaintances the card only, with no VISITING-CARDS FOR LADIES. 55 intruding expression upon it, is left, either with or without flowers — usually without, when a sor- row has fallen upon a family. This card may be that of a stranger even ; but it is never sent, and always left in person, or it is carried by special messenger, as a more delicate recognition of the grave event. This act is one of gentle kindli- ness, and demands no acknowledgment what- ever. It is compelled by too delicate a senti- ment for the sympathizer to desire a reply. This etiquette is not a necessity, but is only a proof of gentle breeding and refined manners. It is what the Parisian means by noblesse oblige, and it is becoming more and more a custom in New York's best society. Cards are always first left in the hall when entering a reception. This custom makes the debtor and creditor list of the entertainer easier to arrange, because announcing names is rarely done in New York ; and, even if it were, in large circles the memory must be excellent that can retain all the faces of those who accept these courtesies. Provided an invitation to a party or a reception is necessarily declined after having 56 SOCIAL ETIQUETTE. been accepted, cards are sent by messenger upon the same evening, and an explanatory note is forwarded the next day, when more leisure will make its excuses and its regrets comprehensible. The card etiquette of ladies is not at all dif- ficult. Familiarity with the best usages of soci- ety and a little leisure insure a smooth social intercourse with the world. The unmistakable expression of a card, of course, depends upon the time of its arrival, and also the method of its conveyance. An invitation-card and a reply to it may go by post, but a card of sympathy or of congratulation cannot. This must be left in person, if possible, otherwise by special messen- ger. The forms and qualities of cards and their style of engraving are a matter in which a deli- cate taste is not thrown away. This has been mentioned before, and we emphasize it. The husband's card should accompany that of his wife upon all formal occasions; but it is no longer stylish for both names to he engraved upon the same card. t directly after mar- ■■•. Tl Qd the eldest daughter's VISITIXG-CARDS FOR LADIES. names are always engraved upon the same card during the first season of the young lady's ap- pearance in society, and afterward, if agreeable. This is the form : MRS. FELIX GRANDCOURT. MISS GRANDCOURT. 101 Silver Avenue. If there are more than one daughter in society, MISSES GRANDCOURT is a proper form to use. If a chaperon other than the mother introduces and accompanies young ladies into society, her visiting-card and theirs are left together, to prevent a misunder- standing of their relations, and to intimate that they are inseparable for the season. When a son has entered society, his mother leaves his card with her husband's and her own, which signifies that it is expected that he will be included in the season's invitations. This is strict etiquette. In a city of business gentlemen, this arrangement explains family conditions which might not otherwise be understood ; and, 58 SOCIAL ETIQUETTE. after one invitation is received from a lady by the son, he can manage his own social matters with her by making his party call, and leaving his own card and address. The arrangement of his entrde into society is managed by his mother, or by a near lady rela- tive, provided the mother is unable to attend to those formalities which strict etiquette demands. Not longer than a week must elapse before the cards of all who have been invited, whether the invitation was accepted or not, are to be left by some member of the family, upon both host and hostess, and also upon any one for whom the entertainment may have been given. A sin- gle lady member of the family may perform this social duty of returning cards of thanks and congratulations upon the success of the fete, because, in the height of a gay season, pressing engagements compel a division of these formali- ties. Gentlemen cannot assist in these social arrangements, and thus relieve the lady members of the family. They may, however, leave a lady's card at a house of sorrow, but not after a festivity. VII. CARD AND VISITING CUSTOMS FOR GENTLEMEN. After a gentleman has been presented to a lady, he may be in doubt whether the acquaint- ance will prove agreeable to her. He may be too delicate to give her the unpleasantness of refusing him permission to call upon her, should he beg such an honor. Therefore, if he covet her acquaintance, he leaves his card at her resi- dence, and her mother or chaperon will send an invitation to him to visit the family, or, perhaps, to be present at an entertainment, after which it is his duty to call and pay his respects. If the list of her acquaintance be already too exten- sive, no notice need be taken of the card, and he will wait for a recognition from the ladies of the household when they meet again. If the acquaintance be really desirable, a prompt ac- knowledgment of his desire to become ac- 60 SOCIAL ETIQUETTE. quainted is admitted in some refined and acceptable form. If he be introduced by card or by letter, he calls upon the lady addressed, and inquires for the ladies of the family, and sends in his own card, carefully addressed, along with that which introduces him; Of course he is received, if the introducing party be properly respected ; and then, if the acquaintance be mutually agreeable, there are easy methods of discovering it to each other. Whether he be welcome for his own sake, or for that of the person who introduced him, he will not be long in determining. There will be equally easy and early methods of break- ing off the acquaintance if it prove less agreeable to the gentleman than was anticipated, and yet there need be no breach of etiquette, and no lessening of the highest social tone in the inter- course between the two parties. An invitation extended to a gentleman who is a new acquaintance without mentioning the prob- able time of being able to receive him, is equiv- alent to no invitation at all, and the bidden on need not hazard a call. CARD ETIQUETTE FOR GENTLEMEN. 61 If a gentleman asks for a presentation to an elderly, or to a married lady, she understands it to be complimentary, and her manner may say " Thank you ! " without emphasizing her grati- tude by an invitation to him to continue the acquaintance. When he meets her again he must wait for her recognition, without the slight- est intimation upon his countenance that they have met before. When she bows to him, he has an equal opportunity of expressing thanks by his manner. But if at the introduction she chooses to be sufficiently pleased with him, and she is assured of his social position, she may extend to him permission to pay his respects to her. As a well-bred unmarried lady cannot do this, the young gentleman, in such a case, must bide his time by leaving his card, as before inti- mated. This arrangement renders the making of ac- quaintances an easy and comprehensible affair, provided it is agreeable to both persons, and it is a wall of defense against strange and unwelcome visitors. However unpleasant the result may be of an attempt to make a lady's acquaintance in 62 SOCIAL ETIQUETTE. this manner, every true gentleman will recog> nize the necessity of barriers across the sacred threshold of home. The style of the gentleman's card, and his address, often secure acceptability when com- bined with the recollection of the host or hostess who made the presentation ; and, by the same token which he took the trouble to leave at the lady's door, she is certain that the gentleman really desires to visit her, and he can never sup- pose, much less say, that her family name was an unwelcome one upon his list of visiting- places. The receiver of the card makes a careful study of its style. The fine, lustreless texture, and the unpretentious size of the card ; its lack of flourish if it be a facsimile, or its clear script, with the full address of the applicant for ac- quaintance placed at the lower right-hand cor- ner ; the prefix of Mr., if it be engraved in the latter style, and its omission if the card repre- sent the signature of the bearer, affect the social thermoc unmistakably. If it is in perfect tasti admires him un aisly for this CARD ETIQUETTE FOR GENTLEMEN. 63 evidence of excellent style, refinement, and fa- miliarity with the details of a high social posi- tion and delicate breeding. She also observes the hour of his formal call. If he be a business gentleman, who cannot command the hours of the day, his first call is made between half-past eight and nine o'clock in the evening. If he be able to command leisure, he calls at the strictly conventional time, between two and five o'clock p. m. The careless, ignorant, or too eager busi- ness man will call as early as half-past seven p. m., for fear that the lady may be out. This displeases the highly-bred young hostess. It proves to her that he is either unfamiliar with the elegant etiquette of exclusive society, or else that he scorns formality, and she dislikes both ignorance and indifference to the best social usages. A gentleman leaves a card for both host and hostess within a week after an entertainment to which he has been invited, whether he accepted or declined the hospitality. If he cannot call, the card is imperative ; and a young man must possess scanty leisure indeed if he cannot ring 5 64 SOCIAL ETIQUETTE. a bell and leave this little recognition of a cour- tesy. A gentleman will always promptly accept or decline an invitation to anything. It was once an unsettled question whether or not receptions, kettledrums, and the like gatherings, required the formality of a reply. That vague doubt is terminated. Every invitation should be answered, and then there can be no misunderstanding. It is not much for the busiest of young men to do this, since the post is the acceptable and prompt medium for this sort of interchange of civilities. If he receives a card which introduces an- other gentleman to him, it is accompanied by the card of the gentleman who makes the intro- duction. This is very properly delivered by the postal service, because etiquette between gentle- men permits it ; but he must recognize its recep- tion in person within three days, or, in case of inevitable failure to do this, he must send a card by special messenger, with explanation and the offer of such courtesies as are possible to him, provided, of course, the introducing person be entitled to Mich consideration. After an inter- CARD ETIQUETTE FOR GENTLEMEN. 65 change of these paper civilities, the acquaintance may proceed, or cease, without unpleasant feel- ings upon either side, provided the receiver of the introductory card is satisfied that he owes no more than this to the presenting person who sent the stranger to him. If an acquaintance be formed that is agreeable, the receiving gen- tleman must ofTer the first hospitable courtesies before he can accept any from his friend's friend. If the latter depart from town after these formalities, he must leave his parting card on the eve of going away. Whenever he returns to the city again, he may, if he desires, send his own card, and expect no recognition of its ar- rival. If it is noticed, he maybe convinced that it is for his own sake that the meagre acquaint- ance is revived and kept warm. A gentleman will always leave a card for a bereaved friend, and in whatever other delicate and sympathetic ways that are possible to him he may show his comprehension of the sorrow ; but it must be a very familiar friendship indeed that permits him to write of it, or to speak of it when they meet. The days of agonizing letters of condolence are 66 SOCIAL ETIQUETTE. happily past. Etiquette now permits the wounds of the heart to heal, without bruising and rend- ing them by long letters of sympathy. A gentleman never makes a formal call with- out asking to see all the ladies of the family. He sends in or leaves his card for each indivi- dual. If he be calling upon a young lady who is a guest in a household with whom he has no acquaintance, he must ask to see her hostess at the same time, and also send her his card. This hostess of his friend may decline interrupting his visit with her presence, but it is considered elegant and hospitable for her to descend before his visit terminates, to assure him that her guest's friends are welcome to her house. When he desires to see a lady whom he meets in society, she may, if the acquaintance warrants it, and she has been out in society one full season, receive him without the presence of her mother or chaperon, and he may not construe this informality into an indelicacy. It is a standard of social freedom that is proper to an . and should not be criticised. The mother is likely to excuse herself. She CARD ETIQUETTE FOR GENTLEMEN. G7 knows the constantly-expressed desire to see herself is complimentary and respectful, and as such the well-bred lady usually receives it ; but should she appear, and remain during the entire visit, all the same, he must be agreeable to her, and ask for her every time he calls. If her pres- ence is unsatisfactory to the daughter, they two can arrange these social affairs between them- selves. The visitor cannot be released from the obligations which strict etiquette has laid upon him. And besides, if the mother be the cultured and elegant conversationist that time and supe- rior social intercourse should have produced, she will elevate the tone of the visit, and lend to it a charm that is impossible to youth. A thoroughbred lady knows when her pres- ence is a blessing and a pleasure to young peo- ple, and also when it serves as a flaming sword, which is disguised as an elegant woman of soci- ety. If the mother be a superior lady, and re- main to absorb the conversation, she is either one or the other — a charm or a protector — and it is for the visitor to decide for himself in which character she hovers about her daughter during 68 SOCIAL ETIQUETTE. his visits. The earlier he discovers her reasons for remaining, the better for all. If a gentleman have sisters or daughters, he will consider these rigid rules none too severe. The man who quarrels with them, or with their enforcement, is just the person for whom they were established by those who, by reason of superior social position, experience, and refined culture, have combined to ordain them. VIII. MORNING RECEPTIONS AND KETTLE-DRUMS. A reception may be a very ceremonious entertainment, with elaborate and expensive ap- pointments, or it may be very simple and yet altogether elegant. The latter style of receiving has borrowed an English name, by which it is frequently called, to distinguish it from those more costly hospitalities which are becoming less and less fashionable in New York every succeeding season. It is often mentioned as a " kettle-drum," because it is said to have origi- nated in garrisons, where officers and their wives, who have been accustomed to elegances, are compelled to extend only the most informal of courtesies, owing to the necessary limitations of camp life. They cannot provide sumptuous refreshments and expensive table service when they invite their friends upon stated occasions. The fascinations which this enforced absence of 70 SOCIAL ETIQUETTE. troublesome and costly elaborateness possesses for civilians, who sometimes imagine that they are compelled to bear the many burdens of os- tentation, have combined with the picturesque- ness of these social enjoyments in camp to bring the " kettle-drum " into general favor with fashionable people. The name " kettle-drum M signifies to a New- Yorker a light entertainment, with demi-toilette for both ladies and gentlemen. It is claimed that a drum-head often served instead of a tea- tray at these delightful garrison sociabilities in England and the East Indies ; and since this in- formal service of tea has become popular in metropolitan society, some of our ladies have provided fanciful suggestions of these original afternoon parties in camp. Sometimes a tiny drum is beaten at intervals in the vicinity of the tea-table, where a lady of the household, or a favorite friend, presides. Sometimes a bright young lady, costumed prettily as a vivandtire, sits or stands by the tea- urn as its presiding genius; but these pictu- resque additions to an ordinary afternoon recep- AFTERNOON RECEPTIONS. 71 tion are not to be considered in the light of customs, but simply as pretty caprices, calcu- lated to give vivacity to the entertainment, which any lady may adopt. Many leaders of society choose the " kettle- drum " style of welcoming their friends, because their husbands dislike general gatherings, or are too weary or too absorbed to assist in entertain- ing evening guests. It is simply an " at home " in the daytime, or, as some ladies have lately styled it, "a social matine'e" the word matinee by general license being interpreted to mean occa- sions by daylight as distinguished from those at night. An elaborate reception is preceded by a visit or a call by card upon all acquaintances to whom the hostess is indebted for formal civil- ities. Her invitations are issued in her own name, with the addition beneath it, if she chooses, of daughter or friend, provided she proposes to be assisted in her entertainment by another, or if she desires it to be understood as an introduction of a stranger into her circle of society, or possibly it is a compliment to a 72 SOCIAL ETIQUETTE. favorite acquaintance. The following are the usual forms of card : 18 West Moore Street. MR. AND MRS. JOHN TALLMAN request the pleasure of your presence on Wednesday evening, December tenth, from eight until eleven o'clock. Or, No. 25 North Street. MRS. R. H. GOODMAN. MISS GOODMAN. Wednesday, December te?zth. Tea at four o'clock. The " at home " is seldom engraved upon a reception-card for a simple entertainment, unless it be after a wedding. If a series of receptions are to be given, the lower line on the left of the card may be simply : Tuesdays in December, from three to seven o'clock. These cards are sent in two envelopes ; but less formal receptions or " at homes " may be signified by writing the day or days and hours AFTERNOON RECEPTIONS. 73 for receiving upon the left corners of visiting- cards, and possibly adding "at five o'clock." These are sent by post in a single wrapper. If two or more ladies are to receive with the hostess, their cards may or may not be inclosed with that of the lady of the house, according to inclination. At the ceremonious or grand reception, a carpet, and perhaps an awning, is stretched from the door to the curbstone. A serving-man, in dress suit and fresh white thread gloves, stands by the halting-place of the carriage, to open the carriage-door, and to assist those ladies to alight who are accompanied by no gentleman or no footman of their own. The luxury of an extra man upon the box of the carriage to perform this service is an exception rather than a rule in New York ; therefore the entertainer is careful to provide a person to do this service for her guests. In afternoon gatherings, gentlemen are seldom able to accompany the ladies of their households, therefore this serving-man is in greater request at the arrival and dismissal of carriages than he is at evening entertainments. 74 SOCIAL ETIQUETTE. He provides the alighting lady with the number of her carriage as it is fixed in the order of her arrival, and the same is given to her driver, so that he shall know when she asks for him, and he is called for by this very useful and, indeed, necessary out-of-door attendant. Another man, or it may just as well be a woman, awaits the arrivals, and opens the door without waiting for the bell to be touched. She receives the cards of the entering guests and directs the ladies to a dressing-room ; also the gentleman, if he happens to be chivalric enough to present himself in the daytime ; but, more than likely, they will not desire to overlook or rearrange their toilets. Few ladies care to lay aside their handsome visiting-wraps and dress bonnets, and the gentleman may retain his hat in his hand, if he chooses, unless there be a crush, when safety to the form of this important article of dress, as well as convenience to the crowd, suggests that he deposit it in the room appointed for its care. A lady guest enters the salon on the gentle- man's right side, or, if she be a chaperon, and AFTERNOON RECEPTIONS. ?5 there be no gentleman, she approaches the host- ess with her charge at her right, as if she were a gentleman. After a very brief interchange of the usual salutations and inquiries, the guests pass on to give place to others. It is very in- considerate to engage in any conversation be- yond this with those who are receiving. Half an hour is quite long enough to remain in crowded drawing-rooms. It is kindness to the hostess to make a space for her many ac- quaintances, and it is possible discomfort to remain, unless there is some special entertain- ment, such as vocal music or the dance. The gentleman sometimes accepts coffee, etc., but he is a rare man who so dishonors his dinner as to eat at a mid-afternoon party. A lady seldom refuses an ice or oysters, and not infrequently she partakes heartily of a sumptuous entertain- ment. Of course the table has been spread with delicacies, that they might be eaten by whoever could enjoy them, and it is altogether proper to eat ; but, that few of our fashionables accustom themselves to accept rich food at this hour of the day, is all the information intended to be 76 SOCIAL ETIQUETTE. conveyed by these remarks. It is possible that an indifference to food in the intervals of regular luncheons and dinners has assisted to popular- ize a simpler provision for the palate at recep- tions. If there be dancing, as is provided not in- frequently in very large houses, and is sometimes mentioned on the corner of the card, a band of music is stationed as remotely as possible from the hostess, so that it shall not interfere with her conversation, and the ladies and gentlemen who are fond of dancing of course seek the dressing- room, in which to deposit their inconvenient outer wraps, etc. The hostess cannot leave her position to dance, but her daughters may do so during the latter part of the afternoon. It is not uncommon for the hostess to invite a few young people by special note, to remain and dance after the hours mentioned in the invitation, the refreshment-table providing them with an in- formal dinner. She may, if she chooses, make this request verbally during the reception. Ices, coffee, chocolate, tea, or wine, with fancy cakes or dainty sandwiches, etc., etc., may AFTERNOON RECEPTIONS. 77 be passed to such guests as do not care to go to the refreshment-room for more substantial lux- uries. At a "kettle-drum," after the formal salu- tations are made, if there be not a crowd of guests, a tray with tea, cream, and sugar is pre- sented almost immediately by a domestic, and another servant offers simple refreshments to accompany it. If the rooms be filled, the guest is asked to seek tea at the table where it is served. Some hostesses invite a bevy of young society girls of their acquaintance to serve her guests with tea and refreshments, and to enter- tain them while they are eating ; and they often wear coquettish caps, pretty aprons, and short dresses, to show their slippers and gay stockings. It is not expected that a ceremonious leave- taking will precede the departure of guests, es- pecially if the drawing-rooms are still well filled. The omission of this formality is not only not a discourtesy, but it is a real kindness. If the reception be a grand and elaborate one, after- calls are de rigueur; but if it be an informal one, a "kettle-drum," or a social matinee, after-calls 78 SOCIAL ETIQUETTE. are not expected. Indeed, this reception is scarce more than a condensation of calls. Those who are not able to be present send their cards on the day, and if possible during the reception hours. They are laid upon the hall-table with those of persons who have been present. In case of a series of receptions, none of which are attended, a card must be sent in to the last one without fail, and some ladies and gentlemen carry their courtesy so far as to send their cards on each day, or evening, to prove that, though absent, they do not forget the hospitality ex- tended to them. While the reception has been arranged for the daytime in most circles, it is also becoming quite fashionable for the evening, and its sim- plicity of detail, etc., spare it from the burdens of a party. Social gatherings of this sort prevail quite generally among people of literary and artistic tastes, when the entire evening may be spent in conversation, music, or reading. Hats, bonnets, and wraps are laid aside, but the cos- tume is not full evening toilet for the ladies. The gentleman should be in full evening dr AFTERNOON RECEPTIONS. 79 recent custom making this proper for all evening gatherings. Gloves for gentlemen are not in- cumbent, as they once were ; the latest practice being to omit them on all occasions save danc- ing parties, in obedience to the custom of Eng- lish gentlemen, whose exemplar is the Prince of Wales. White gloves are not appropriate at these gatherings for either ladies or gentlemen. The hostess rarely introduces people at these large receptions, partly because she is too closely occupied in receiving her guests, and partly be- cause it is not fashionable to do so unless re- quested. There are those who would consider it an unpleasantly officious act on the part of the hostess to thus insist upon acquainting them with unknown, and possibly unheard-of, individ- uals. The accepted formalities of introduction in New York are fully explained in another chapter, and referred to in this connection only to explain why they are even less frequently performed at large and general receptions than at parties, and also to suggest that they should seldom be expected or asked for in crowded assemblies. 6 IX. GIVING AND ATTENDING PARTIES, BALLS, AND GERMANS. The evening party almost invariably includes dancing, and yet it is considered very proper to direct that the word dancing be engraved on the corner of the invitation, and also the hour of its commencing. The ball is, of course, an assem- blage exclusively for the dance. This amuse- ment and a substantial supper constitute a ball. The hour mentioned on the invitation is usually much later for a ball than it is for a party. The former ranges from half-past nine to eleven o'clock, though there are few entertainments in New York which commence so late as the time last mentioned. From nine to half-past ten are the favorite hours named in notes of invitation to balls. These notes arc sent out in two enve- lopes, from ten to twenty days in advance of the festivity. The post is the safest messenger for PARTIES, BALLS, AND GERMANS. 81 them, unless the lady issuing the cards can trust her own servant. A single lost card often counts for a lost friend on these grand occasions. The party note or card is issued about a week or ten days prior to the appointed evening ; and unless it be a very formal occasion, a single envelope is sufficient wrapping. Of course the post can deliver them. The hour mentioned ranges from nine to half-past. The ball demands the fullest of toilets which the season admits, for both ladies and gentlemen. A few residences only have ball- rooms attached to them, because the limitations of a city prevent them from being numerous. If there is no ballroom, and the drawing-room is used instead, a linen cloth is stretched over the carpet, and the furniture is mostly removed. Growing flowers are arranged wherever they can be effectively placed ; garlands are hung pictu- resquely, and cut blossoms give forth their fra- grance, and add color and beauty as lavishly as the hostess chooses to provide. The supper- room is arranged with choice articles of food, both cold and hot. and is usually opened at half- 82 SOCIAL ETIQUETTE. past twelve or one o'clock. But there are light refreshments, also drinks to satisfy the varied tastes of a large company, such as coffee, choco- late, lemonade, bouillon; and most likely punches and wines are accessible during the entire ball. Waltzing goes on at intervals until supper is announced, and immediately after the German cotillon is danced. Square dances, so called, are now almost wholly out of fashion. The hostess sends out her invitations to either ball or party after calling by card or in person upon all her proposed guests to whom she is socially indebted. They are handsomely en- graved in script, and issued in her own name for a ball, but in both her own and her husband's name for a party. The following is the fashionable formula for the ball : MRS. FARQUHAR ALEXANDER requests the pleasure of your / res o)i Thursday evening, December fifths at half -past nine o'clock. t^ 28 Nottingham Tlnce. I Uncmg. ^ The party invitation not only indicates an PARTIES, BALLS, AND GERMANS. 83 earlier hour for arriving, but instead of the sim- ple word dancing in the left corner it may be engraved dancing at eleven. Of course this invitation must be accepted or declined within two or three days after its re- ception. The form of acceptance or regret is written in the name or names of the party in- vited : MR. AND MRS. R. V. TORRINGTON accept with pleasure [or decline with sincere regret] Mrs. Farquhar Alexander's kind invitation for January third. Nottingham Place. An awning to shelter the guests from their carriage to the vestibule, and a carpet for them to tread upon from the curbstone to the hall, are provided at all balls, parties, and so-called " Germans " — (a term sometimes used to des- ignate a party in which this dance is the main feature) — and, indeed, wherever ladies in full dress are expected. A serving-man is sta- tioned at the proper place to open the carriage- door, number the carriage, and give the figures that it represents, printed upon a card, in the 84 SOCIAL ETIQUETTE. order of its arrival, to both driver and occu- pants ; so that when it is wanted it can be easily secured, without the unpleasantness of hearing the name of its owner called out through the darkness. Another servant opens the vestibule door without waiting for the bell to be sounded, and he immediately directs the guests to their respective dressing-rooms. Now, just at this point arises a question which has long been in dispute, and it may be settled at once : " Which side of the stairway, the rail or the wall, should be accorded to a lady ?" It has been discussed by gentlemen, as if it were a matter for them to decide, which it is not, by any means. Such ladies as have been given their choice have invariably said : " Permit me to take your left arm with my right hand, and it does not matter whether it is wall or rail that I am nearest in going up or down stairs. I ( an better care for myself than you can i for me." Sometimes the turning or curving of the s<, narrows the steps on the rail ride to make them dangerous to heedless feet. In PARTIES, BALLS, AND GERMANS. 85 such a case a lady must cling to the arm of her escort, or else clasp the rail with her fresh and tightly-fitting gloves, which last she is never willing to do if she can avoid it. Of course a gentleman cannot always wait to examine the architectural peculiarities of a stair- way before he decides which arm will best satisfy the lady whom he desires to benefit. He is safe in offering her his left. If she declines assistance, she will choose which part of the stairs she likes best to ascend, and the gentle- man will precede her by two or three steps. On going down he is always slightly in advance of her. This arrangement settles the question sat- isfactorily to the ladies, and gentlemen really have no right to a choice in this matter. A lady may, and, indeed, she usually does, carry her bouquet (and her fan, also, if it be not suspended by a chatelaine, which it usually is) in the hand which rests for support upon the arm of her escort, thus leaving her left free to pro- tect her train, provided she desires to lift it from the tread of heedless or crowding feet. The wife enters a drawing-room on the hus- 86 SOCIAL ETIQUETTE. band's right, or, if the lady be not married, then the eldest lady occupies this position, provided there be more than one accompanying a gentle- man. Oftener than otherwise, the lady of to-day does not lean upon the arm of her escort, but advances into the salon unassisted. Indeed, the ancient custom is falling into disuse in our fashionable society. The lady precedes a gentleman by a step or two, when entering or passing out from an apart- ment, provided she does not retain his arm. In the highest circles in France, the lady enters several steps in advance of the gentleman at a formal reception. Our custom of precedence is not quite so pronounced as that. Possibly, the French lady is permitted this form of superiority in society because she really possesses so little genuine consideration elsewhere. After the usual greetings with the hostess, the guests walk about, find friends, etc., until the young ladies have accepted partners for the dance. An applicant for this honor and pleas- ure is always careful to recognize the office and authority of the chaperon when making his re- PARTIES, BALLS, AND GERMANS. 87 quest. This is considered no more respect than is due to the lady who has kindly undertaken the care of a young lady at a ball. The gentleman returns the lady directly to ' the care of her married or her older lady friend, as soon as the dance is finished. He may linger here to converse with her, but not elsewhere, ac- cording to the usages of our best society. It is customary for both ladies to visit the supper-room with the gentleman with whom the young lady has last been dancing, and with whom she may be still chatting at the side of her chaperon when this welcome moment has arrived : of course, provided he is at liberty to offer his services to them. No observable disin- clination to accept this escort is possible on her part, no matter what previous anticipations she may have indulged. A private ball is not a small coterie to which a lady may have been escorted without a chaperon, by an intimate gentleman friend, to whom she is to look for the civilities of the supper-table. A ball is too formal a place for any one to indulge in personal preferences of any kind. Even if a gentleman be of the 88 SOCIAL ETIQUETTE, lady's own party, and went to the ball in the same carriage with her, she cannot refuse the offer of another gentleman's arm to the supper- room in company with her mamma or her mar- ried lady friend. A gentleman is not as free as the lady at this moment. If he accompanies a lady or party of ladies, he must first be certain that they are properly attended at this im- portant moment, before he can offer his services to others. If it be possible, he is near enough to them at this hour to offer his services to them, but this is not always convenient. As at these entertainments there is provided what the Eng- lish call a " stand-up supper," the gentleman es- cort is careful to see that his ladies are fully served before he refreshes himself.. A lady cannot accept the attentions of any other gentleman in the supper-room, except the host, or some other member of his family. If her escort be forget- ful of her requirements, she must ask a servant only for whatever she may want. These formalities of a private ball apply also to a public entertainment for dancing, and they must be f 1 in the latter case with even PARTIES, BALLS, AND GERMANS. 89 severer strictness. Among the few liberties which a young lady enjoys at a public entertainment is the privilege of refusing to dance with such ap- plicants for this honor as she chooses to disre- gard. Of course she does this courteously and gently ; but one must be a young lady to under- stand the full delight of this permission. If she refuses an invitation to dance at a private ball, as has been mentioned, she loses the dance alto- gether, and must sit all through its bewildering and inviting music. Balls terminate by two or three o'clock. At a party, dancing seldom begins until after supper, as the cards will suggest. Conversation, music, etc., occupy the earlier part of the even- ing, and the dancing is ended and all depart- ures are made by one o'clock at the latest. The " German " differs very little in its eti- quette from that of the party. The leader of the dance is to be selected with discretion by the hostess, and the favors, which are always pro- vided for the dancers, are chosen with individual and refined taste, always avoiding ostentatious display. The hostess is attentive to the ladies, 90 SOCIAL ETIQUETTE. observing if any timid or unattractive guest re- ceives a noticeably small number of these trifles. With tact she quietly provides her with dances that shall make all favors as nearly equal as is possible upon such occasions of competition. Generally the early part of the evening is spent with the waltz, and after supper the " Ger- man." Of course, nobody gives a "German" without being familiar with all the necessary and peculiar etceteras, which it is not in the province of etiquette to explain. The card of invitation is usually like that of a party, "The German" being engraved on the left-hand corner, with the hour when the dance is to commence. This mention of the time for opening this peculiar dance will be appreciated by all who are familiar with its requirements. If a coterie meets for practising the " German," it is customary for each lady member to invite all the members to her own house in turn, and as many other guests as is agreed upon by by-laws, from among her own particular friends. The cards of the coterie are engraved in script, and the monogram se- lected for it is upon the envelope. The follow- PARTIES, BALLS, AND GERMANS. 91 ing is the customary form, the card being issued in the name of the young lady's mother : MRS. requests the pleasure of your presence at a meeting of" the German" Tuesday evening, at half-past eight o'clock. Calls to return thanks, offer congratulations, and for inquiries, are made upon the hostess on the first of her regular reception days after re- ceiving her hospitalities, or after being com- pelled to decline her courtesy. If she have no fixed time for receiving, a visit should be made, or cards left for her, within ten days after the festivity. DINNER GIVING AND DINING OUT. The history of an unknown civilization might be read in the bill of its fare, and in the forms of its feasting. We need not search beyond the conventionalities of the banquet to inform our- selves of the subtlest perfections of refined taste, or of a supreme barbarism. Between these two extremes stretch vast and varied areas of les- sening skill, or of decreasing vulgarity, no grade of which is indistinguishable. Individual awk- wardness and stupidity fail to exercise the re- finements of the era, and by this test the meas- urement of its advancement toward superiority is exact and trustworthy. Not that superior methods of eating are the highest of accomplish- ments by any means, but they are trustworthy indicators of indwelling tendencies and develop- ments. There are those who reject the highest forms DINNER GIVING AND DINING OUT. 93 of social etiquette through an assumed superior- ity to fixed rules ; but an isolated case of ab- sence of good manners, and of high forms of conduct, proves nothing, and, as a modern writer declares, " should be attributed to a per- sonal incapacity for appreciating them." A tendency toward originality in individual cases might increase the charm of social inter- course, and ultimately lead to superior and more attractive formalities ; but we have arrived at a sufficiently excellent standard in etiquette to satisfy the most fastidious of dinner-givers and diners-out, especially when we remember that aiming at the possible in these critical affairs is a dangerous experiment. Inharmony is never beautiful, although originality may be, and safety is to be found only in established formalities. Pendent as we have been between the Eng- lish style of entertaining, which is a massive so- lidity, and the lighter and more graceful French, we are no longer vibrating. We have rested ourselves upon a standard that is largely our own, although, like our legal statutes, our social regulations have been formulated from such of 94 SOCIAL ETIQUETTE. the habits of both nations as are adaptable to ourselves. As we had neither royalty nor rank to decide these matters for us, the time consumed in the adjustment of our social affairs was, very naturally, extended through many years. We became weary of being asked, " How do you do these things in America? "when we had no proper reply to make. " I suppose you have a best society, and I would like, you know, to un- derstand how you regulate it. Does anybody possess a right of precedence at a dinner-party?" inquired a small, but not intentionally imperti- nent, " my lord " not many years since. " I don't suppose you feel settled in social matters," he went on to say, as if he intended good-na- turedly to apologize for all the social barbarities which he had traversed the sea to witness, and the entire absence of which would doubtless have disappointed him. " Indeed, we do have a best society, and most excellent it is, too, because we recognize superiority without consulting a Doomsday-book. We know exactly what to do for ourselves and for our visitors," was the prompt answer. Of DIXXER GIVIXG AXD DIXIXG OUT, 95 course this reply was part pride and part truth, and the former sentiment was made just sore enough to compel us to seek after a protection against future hurts of this sort, which might be inflicted by the semi-contempt of a traditional nobility. The lady who purposes to give a dinner- party, or a series of parties, is exceedingly care- ful to catalogue all the names to whom she de- sires to extend the hospitalities of her house. From all these she selects and groups those who will affect each other pleasantly, either by reason of positive sympathy, or by an agreeable con- trast of tastes, interests, or sentiments. The differences in social conditions often go far tow- ard deciding upon the groups, but latterly intel- lectual attainments have established a higher grade of position, and the combinations of guests are based upon mental accomplishments, instead of family connection. In either case the eti- quette is the same. As we have no real distinc- tions of birth, and find ourselves affected by the traditional customs of our ancestry, we too often hunt after a lion or a lioness as a motive for a 7 96 SOCIAL ETIQUETTE. feast, because this person or personage will make the formalities of the occasion less difficult of settlement. This hero may not be eminent to a startling degree, but all the same his presence settles beyond question who is to go in to dinner with the host or hostess, and this decision assists the timid entertainers amazingly. Sometimes it is the birthday of the honored guest, the return of a bridal party, a reentrance into society after an illness, or following a sorrowful retire- ment from gayety ; or it may be the celebration of an achievement, literary, artistic, political, or financial ; but being a decided something to distinguish a single individual, and to hang upon him or her, a reason for receiving precedence over all others on this occasion of feasting, she is escorted by the host to the table, and placed at his right hand ; but if the honored guest be a gentleman, or the husband of the honored lady guest, he goes in to dinner with the hostess, and sits upon her right hand. If there really is no person to whom an espe- cial attention is to be shown, the eldest lady (provided she is old enough to he proud of her DINNER GIVING AND DINING OUT. 97 many years), the wife of the highest official, or of the most eminent scholar, or the one who is the greatest stranger, is offered the arm of the host. To give the dinner in honor of some person, or " to meet " a particular party, as the invitation should explain (provided the guest be not un- mistakably famous), has an especial advantage in that it settles who shall, and who need not, be present. This is an agreeable and easy method of disposing of our first difficulty when issuing invi- tations. Those who are not invited, immediately understand, by lack of their own affiliations, why they were not included on this particular occa- sion, and they indulge in no unpleasant specula- tions about the matter. They know that, when a fitter occasion occurs, their names will be prop- erly grouped, according to their tastes and as- sociations. No explanation is necessary from the giver of a dinner to friends who are omitted. The invitation itself is its own interpretation, should the card fall under the eyes of those who, but for the " to meet " upon it, might feel hurt by a suspicion of neglect. 98 SOCIAL ETIQUETTE. It is the customary style of those who give frequent dinner-parties to order their cards en- graved with a blank left for the written insertion of the name of the guests, also a place indicated for the date, to be filled in at pleasure. Upon an extra card, which is enclosed in the same envelope, is written the following form : TO MEET MR. LIVINGSTONE LIVINGSTONE, Of New Orleans. If the dinner be a very grand and ceremonious entertainment, and given to express respect for a well-known individual, and there is time for pre- meditated formalities, the name of the honored guest will be engraved upon the card of invi- tation, and sent out eight or ten days in advance of the evening. The replies should be immedi- ate, so that vacancies may be filled. If there is the slightest doubt about being able to be pi ent, the invitation must be declined. [f it accepted, and an insurmountable obstacle comes in between the guest and the dinner, instant ex- planations must be made n empty chair at a DIXXEJ? GIVING AXD DIXIXG OUT. 99 • feast is a depressing object, and usually leaves some lady without an escort or some gentleman alone. Invitations to a dinner are always given in the name of both host and hostess. If it be an engraved card or note, the name of host and hostess occupies one line, extending across the card ; the request follows, in smaller script, with the name of the invited person or persons writ- ten across in a blank space arranged by the en- graver. Below this are the date and hour of the dinner. Until very recently, the initials R. S. V. P. {Re'pondtz sil vous plait) have been engraved upon all formal cards, but they are less and less frequently seen. To thus ask, or even remind, a lady or gentleman that an invitation should be answered is, to say the least, a faint reproach upon their breeding. All refined people who are accustomed to the best social forms are fully aware that it would be an unpardonable negli- gence to omit replying to such an invitation for a single day. Although it is not intended as an insult to an acquaintance's intelligence, it is one, 100 SOCIAL ETIQUETTE nevertheless. The only place where R. S. V. P. may be written, with strict etiquette and propri- ety, is to an informal note, which the receiver might otherwise place among the unconsidered trifles of social life, but which, for some ade- quate reason, the sender desires to have an- swered. An engraved request sent to an acquaintance is usually in one of the following styles : MR. AND MRS. HOWARD BELLPORT request the pleasure of company at di?mer on 187 at o'clock. No. 10 Capulet Avenue. Or, MR. AND MRS. HOWARD BELLPORT nqucst the pleasure of company at dinner, on -. at teven del No. 10 Capulet Avenue, (The word M company " is used in an invita* DINNER GIVIXG AND DINING OUT. 101 tion to dinner, but "presence " is preferred in a card that invites a guest to a wedding.) The day of the week is written in letters, also the hour ; but the day of the month may be in numerals if preferred. If it be an engraved note, a monogram or a crest may be placed at the centre of the top of the sheet ; but, if it be a card, it is considered more refined to place this device upon the enve- lope only. Monograms and ciphers are oftener used than crests, partly because we are really entitled to no crest in this country; but many superior people retain this family emblem through respect for their ancestry, and without a thought of arrogance or an atom of unjustifiable pride. If the dinner is given in honor of some noted person or persons, the following is the engraved form of invitation : MR. AND MRS. HOWARD BELLPORT request the pleasure of company at dinner, on Tuesday, January 20M, at seven o'clock, to meet the HON. MR. AND MRS. BROADTOP. No. 10 Capulet Avenue. 102 SOCIAL ETIQUETTE. The following form is used in writing an imme- diate reply : MR. AND MRS. HOBART HARRISON accept with pleasure MR. AND MRS. HOWARD BELLPORT'S invitation to dinner, at seven d clock, Tuesday evening, January 20///. If unable to accept, the refusal must be worded in a manner expressive of disappointment. The following is the prevailing style : MR. AND MRS. HOBART HARRISON regret that a previous engagement [or illness, or an unfortunate event] prevents the acceptance of MR. AND MRS. HOWARD BELLPORT'S invitation for Tuesday evening, January 20th, Of course the formality or informality of the ac- quaintance between the parties regulates the method and clearness of this declining of the invitation. If the note sent in reply be bordered with black, that tells its own story ; but there are many things which may not be mentioned, but which make gayeties unwelcome at times, and DIXXER GIVING AND DINING OCT. 103 every lady with a sweet temper will receive declinations to her invitations in the full belief that the regret is genuine. To be prompt, but not too early, to dinner, is a rigid necessity that requires no explanation. Five or ten minutes are the customary interval between arriving and the dinner hour. Earlier, the hostess may not be able to be in waiting to welcome her guests. Later than this, time for introductions, and arrangements for escorts to the table, may not be sufficient. If the party be chosen from those who are already acquainted with each other, it is customary for cards to be handed on a tray to each gentleman by the servant at the door. He will select the one with his own and a lady's name written upon it, and, after the usual greetings with host and hostess are over, the guest seeks his partner and awaits the announcement of dinner. If the guests be unfamiliar with each other, the lady, when re- ceiving them, suggests to each gentleman his partner, and the host presents him to this lady, and also informs him if his place at the table be at the right of host or hostess. This plan les- 104 SOCIAL ETIQUETTE. sens the difficulty of finding assigned positions at table. Cards, either plain or ornamental, according to the taste or the ceremoniousness of the din- ner, are laid at each lady's and gentleman's plate, with their names upon them. The menu card is usually hidden beneath it. The dinner is announced by the chief waiter. He stands at the entrance to the drawing-room which opens toward the dining-room, and bows to the host. The latter is alert, anticipating this silent information. He immediately offers his left arm to the lady-in-chief for this particular occa- sion. She may be the wife of the eldest gentle- man, or the especially honored guest, as before explained. He proceeds first, and his guests follow him to the dining-room, his wife entering last with the gentleman entitled to most con- sideration. Each pair find their assigned posi- tion by the card which awaits them, assisted by the information previously furnished by the host in regard to the side of the tabic chosen for them. This is done as quietly as possible, as nothing is less elegant than a bustling manner. DINNER GIVING AND L 1 The mam is not any longer printed upon the dinner-card, as it is customary to keep the la as a smwaar of die banque make this card worthy of die guest, individual taste, and not infrequently much money, is expe .z on it. The ladies and gentlemen stand by their places until the hostess is seated, when each lady, whose chair has already been conveniently placed for her by her escort, als herself, and the gentlemen follow die example imme- diately. A gentleman offers his left arm to the lady whom he is to lead in to dinner. This leaves his right hand free to arrange her chair as she approaches the table. He places her at his r.z'rr. zi~i If there be an equal number of ladies and gentlemen, and they are arranged at table in pairs, the host and hoste ictly opposite to each other, : i the table be filled. This difference in I of hos: and host is of slight consequence when a dinner is served a la Russe, or e it be not, be- cause the centres, instead of the ends, of a dining-tabie are usually occupied by the enter- 106 SOCIAL ETIQUETTE. tainers, so that they may be nearer to all their guests, to make conversation easier. If there are vacant places, they are at the remotest posi- tions from the heads of the house. The soup is passed to each one, who eats it, or pretends to do so. After soup, the guest may accept or refuse whatever follows, as the me?iu affords a knowledge of what may be expected. If wine be provided and the guest does not approve of it, a private table is not a suitable place for expressing individual convictions. He should receive or turn the wine in the different glasses sparingly, and make no comment. If toasts are drank, let him lift his glass, and be courteous. At a public dinner, the freedom of the occasion permits a noticeable rejection of wines ; but to accept private hospitality affords no liberty of criticism upon the conduct of the host. Both reproof and commendation are alike nilgai and discourteous. As formal dinners are now served i la Russe entirely, the intellectual ertainment is less difficult of management than when the host and hostess used the soup- ladle and the carving-knife. The fruits and DINNER GIVING AND DINING OUT. 107 nuts being a part of the table decoration, and already picturesquely arranged, the feast should proceed as smoothly and deliberately as did a familiar minuet in our granddames' salons. The hosts have really nothing to do but to be agree- able. When the dinner is over, the hostess bows to the lady at the right of the host, rises, and all rise also. The gentlemen either stand until the ladies have left the apartment, or conduct them to the door, and then return. It is a graceful courtesy to escort the ladies to the drawing- room, but this is not incumbent. The ladies having withdrawn, the gentlemen who smoke light their cigars, or withdraw with the host to another apartment, for that purpose. In either instance their absence from the drawing-room should not be a prolonged one. Custom is abridging the after-dinner smoking as time pro- gresses. Coffee is usually served at table after the des- sert, but not infrequently it is served in the drawing-room a half an hour or so later. The hostess, in the latter case, usually sits by the 108 SOCIAL ETIQUETTE. coffee-urn, and the gentlemen may carry the coffee-cups to the ladies, followed by a servant, who bears a tray, upon which are sugar, cream, and often a handsome, low cut-glass caraffe of brandy. After coffee, any guest may take leave, and it is not expected that the latest lingerer will remain longer than two hours after dinner. If the party be not likely to separate directly, and a gentleman or lady is compelled to leave early, it is proper to speak to the hostess of this neces- sity before dinner, if possible, or at some early time when unobserved, and then leave quietly and unnoticed, without formal adieux, as the de- parture of one person often disturbs the pleasure of those remaining. The hostess understands unspoken leave-takings if she be familiar with New York customs. This polite withdrawal is one of the many pleasant habits taken from Parisian etiquette. Strict etiquette demands that a call be made upon the hostess by each guest within a week. If she have a fixed receiving-day within the time, it is the proper occasion for returning DINNER GIVING AND DINING OUT. 109 thanks and inquiring after the lady's health. If that particular day cannot be made convenient, cards left in person (right side or right-hand upper corner turned over) for each grown mem- ber of the family is accepted instead of a call. As we are a business people, gentlemen with- out wives, mothers, or sisters to carry their cards for them, are permitted by the strictest approv- ing etiquette to send them by post. Of course this is only done when a call in person, or by the hand of a relative, is impossible. A lady goes to a dinner-party in whatever is considered full toilette for that season, and the gentlemen also. Gloves are removed after being seated at the table, and they need not be re- placed again during the evening. XI. BREAKFASTS, LUNCHEONS, AND SUPPERS. A complimentary and formal breakfast is usually given by a Parisian at the hours which are customary for this meal when eaten in pri- vate by fashionable people. The time varies only slightly in different elegant establishments, vibrating between half-past nine and eleven o'clock. Guests to an exceedingly formal breakfast in our city are bidden at twelve, but really social breakfasts, such as are often extended to a stranger in town whom a friend desires to pre- sent to his or her own immediate associates, is seldom later than half-past ten, and a half-hour earlier is the time oftenest mentioned. Of course, this is a real breakfast, and not one with at least two private luncheons preceding it. jet as some of our citizens may have been follow the examples of nobly-born fore BREAKFASTS, LUNCHEONS, ETC. Ill society, when it came to deciding upon the hour for our breakfasts our human nature revolted against such a tormenting postponement of this nominally first meal of the day. Not but that we all know that the hospitality called a break- fast, which is arranged for twelve o'clock, is simply a disarrangement of the usual order of the names of one's meals, and possibly a rever- sal of their menu also ; but our social code re- jects English etiquette in this entertainment most decidedly. It is not improbable that this early and really charming method of entertaining a friend may become a movable feast, and its time be fixed at a still earlier hour. Macaulay said : " Dinner- parties are mere formalities; but you invite a man to breakfast because you want to see him ; " but then Macaulay really belonged to the nobil- ity of letters rather than to that rank which lives to support its titles. Both gentlemen and ladies may be guests at the breakfast-table, but ladies only usually receive invitations to a luncheon-party. The breakfast is a less troublesome entertainment, 8 112 SOCIAL ETIQUETTE. and far more social and enjoyable than a dinner. People meet before the occupations of the day have wearied them, or its pleasures have given birth to satiety, that most appalling of grievances to the lady or gentleman upon whom society makes constant demands. Business gentlemen can enjoy these semi-early gatherings but sel- dom; but to literary persons, and to men of leisure, they are as convenient to attend as an evening-party ; and possibly to the former they are more acceptable, because the night-time has become, through inherited tastes and tenden- cies, the too common hour for working with the brain. Invitations to a breakfast, unless it be a grandly important mid-day affair, are written, and thus need not be issued more than five days in advance of the entertainment. Indeed, a breakfast may be almost impromptu, and not shock the social dogmas of the very severest of our formalists. The style of this note may be quite as informal as any brief but friendly letter, or it may be the lady's visiting-card which con- veys the request, if this card be engraved after BREAKFASTS, LUNCHEONS, ETC. 113 the customary form prevailing in New York, with the address in the right-hand lower corner, and the ordinary day for receiving callers upon the left. Below the lady's name may be written : BREAKFAST AT TEN O'CLOCK, January 12th. If another than the usual " at home " day be preferred, an ink line may be drawn through the engraved day of the week, and the following form is written upon the card : BREAKFAST, FRIDAY, AT TEN O'CLOCK, January 12th. Numerals are written upon a card, but they are not engraved, except it be the number of a residence. This breakfast should never be elaborate, but it cannot be too dainty in its food, or in the ap- pointments of the table. The best of every- thing, prepared in the choicest of styles, but nothing heavy, nor excessive in quantity, should be prepared. Walking costumes are worn by both gentlemen and ladies, also visiting-gloves, 114 SOCIAL ETIQUETTE. which are removed at table. The descent from the dressing-room and greetings between the hostess and guest are just the same as at a din- ner-party. If ladies and gentlemen are equal in number, the hostess is careful to arrange for partners at table ; and, in case there are more than eight guests, cards are placed at the proper plates, where every person will find his or her name awaiting him or her. If the sexes be unequal in numbers, ladies are informed of their lady-part- ners by the hostess, and they seek their assigned positions at table as usual. The host conducts the eldest lady, or the one entitled to his highest consideration because she is a stranger, a restored invalid, a recent bride, or is made for any noticeable reason temporarily, perhaps, the person to receive this mark of re- spect. If there is no host present, the lady of the house leads the way to the breakfast-room, accompanied by her most honored guest, either gentleman or lady. The food is served from the sideboard, or u; on the table in courses, according to taste or BREAKFASTS, LUNCHEONS, ETC, 115 convenience, and the only way in which the mere formalities of a breakfast differ from those of a dinner are that the coffee, chocolate, and tea service is attended by the hostess, in front of which she sits, and the courses are less in number. Guests depart within half an hour after leaving the breakfast-table. After-calls of formality are not expected after a breakfast given in this simple style. The grand and formal breakfast demands handsome, but not evening toilettes for the ladies, and morning or frock coats for gentlemen, with light- colored trousers, and waistcoats to correspond with the coat. The latter may, however, wear white vests, light kid gloves, and colored neck- ties. The gentlemen are arranged to escort lady guests according to cards, which they find await- ing them in their dressing-room, or which are offered to them on a tray by a servant. If the ladies selected for them be strangers, they should ask the hostess to present them directly after having exchanged the usual salutations with her. When breakfast is announced, the gentleman 116 SOCIAL ETIQUETTE. offers his left arm, just as he would at a dinner- party (the right arm is reserved for almost all attentions to a lady, except to escort her to the table). The guests follow the host in such order as the number makes convenient. The gentleman finds his own and the lady's seat by the card upon the table. The ladies, with the assistance of their cavaliers, seat themselves; the gentlemen then follow their example, when all are seated. The table is served with artistically-prepared delicacies ; but there are few or none of the heavy substantiate of a dinner provided for an elegant breakfast. There are a few ladies who decline to preside over their coffee-urns for large breakfast-parties, but most hostesses enjoy the domestic hospitality which this attention to her friends suggests. The party rises at a signal from the hostess to her opposite lady guest, and all seek the drawing-room, to remain but a short time before taking leave. A visit of thanks is rigorously insisted upon by etiquette after a grand party of this sort. BREAKFASTS, LUNCHEONS, ETC, 117 The first receiving-day of the hostess, or, if she have no appointed time for being at home, any appropriate hour within ten days, may be chosen for this very proper attention to one whose hos- pitalities have been accepted. Suppers, as was mentioned, are gentlemen's parties, and from nine to ten o'clock is the usual time for them to be served. There are game suppers, fish suppers, wine suppers, and cham- pagne suppers, each one of which differs in the appropriate supplies for the table. But the for- malities of the occasion, or, rather, the informal- ities, are all of the same kind. The invitations may be made at interviews, by friendly notes, or by the host's visiting-card, with, written upon it, SUPPER AT TEN O'CLOCK, Saturday, January 20th, If it is a fish supper, only little food except that which once lived in the water is provided ; salads and fruits, without a sweet dessert, com- plete it, with the additions of coffee and such wines as the host chooses for his guests. A game supper is confined almost strictly to 118 SOCIAL ETIQUETTE. wild fowl, with wines and coffee ; but the dessert may be pastry, creams, and bonbons. A wine or champagne supper is made up of a variety of luxuries, and differs from the dinner only in the cold fillets of game, boned turkey, spiced fish, etc., instead of meats that are all hot. The dessert is of various rich compounds, that are delightful to the palate of the epicure, but which mean heaviness and headache in the morning. One or two o'clock finds the party dispersed. They are usually called " bachelor suppers," but why this name is provided for this feast it is difficult to determine, because the most excellent and really wonderful suppers of this sort are sometimes given by married gentlemen. XII. OPERA AND THEATRE PARTIES, PRIVATE THEATRICALS, AND MUSICALES. These entertainments belong peculiarly to the province of the wealthy, provided they are perfectly arranged. They are not uncommon among our wealthiest families ; but they are more frequently given by bachelors, who have no homes to which they may invite guests, and thus cancel some of their obligations to house- holds from which they have received courteous and special hospitalities. If given by a bachelor, he first secures a matron to chaperon the young ladies of his pro- posed party. If she be his own kinswoman, all the better for the harmony of the affair. This selection spares him from the unpleasant per- plexity of choosing from among the mammas of his young lady guests. He proffers his invita- tions in person, soliciting first the consent of the 120 SOCIAL ETIQUETTE. mother that her daughter may be his guest for the evening, at the same time mentioning what married lady will accompany them, and also fur- nishing the names of the gentlemen who are invited to be present. The dinner is usually given in a private par- lor of some fashionable hotel or restaurant, or in the house of some friend. The usual dinner formalities {see " Dinner Giving and Dining Out ") are followed, the matron of the party, of course, acting as hostess. The lady-guests, if not accompanied by father or brother, arc usually attended by a waiting-woman, who re- turns home in the carriage to come back again for her mistress at the hour appointed, which is usually half-past twelve. The dinner hour is usually six o'clock for this style of party. Retiring from the table the party proceeds to the opera in carriages fur- nished by the host ; and the gentleman assigned as dinner escort to a lady accompanies her to the opera, where boxes have necessarily been secured, because the party is in full toilette. After the opera or theatre, the guests return OPERA AND THEATRE PARTIES. 121 to the banqueting-room for refreshments, and then separate, a gentleman accompanying each young lady, provided only her waiting-woman call for her with her carriage. If her father or a kinsman arrive in her carriage, the gentleman who has been her attendant during the evening escorts her to her conveyance. He calls upon her within three days to inquire for her health, or leaves his card, provided a visit be impossi- ble to him. The bachelor host is compelled, by the laws of our best society, to pay his respects and re- turn thanks to mother and daughter within a week, for the honor and pleasure he has received from his lady-guests. The young ladies pay an early visit of thanks to the friend who so kindly chaperoned them at the late party. A less elaborate, but scarcely less formal, affair is the opera or theatre party which in- cludes only an after-supper. In this instance the host calls upon his anticipated guests, and, after receiving an acceptance of his invitation (which must also include a gentleman member of the family, or a near kinsman of the young 122 SOCIAL ETIQUETTE. lady), he leaves entrance-tickets for the proposed entertainment. The party meet in the box or boxes, where the matron selected awaits them with their host. After the theatre, the supper, which has been ordered in advance, is served to them at some fashionable resort, and the hour for returning home is decided upon by the matron of the evening. The host designates to each gentle- man the lady he is to conduct to the table. The supper is not uncommonly followed by a few dances, but this is less often a part of the festiv- ity at a restaurant parlor than when the bachelor receives his guests at the house of a friend. The latter style of opera or theatre party is by far the most popular of the time, and is, of course, less expensive and troublesome to both host and guests. The more elaborate formali- ties, as was suggested, are only provided by the very rich, and mothers of refined daughters do not encourage ostentation. The customs of these costly pleasures are furnished only because an account of the etiquette of New York would be incomplete without mentioning them. OPERA AND THEATRE PARTIES. 123 In the least elaborate of the two forms, the young ladies are expected to be as rigorously attentive to the duty they owe to their chaperon as if there had been a ceremonious dinner; and the host will as carefully follow the proper formal- ities of calling early upon the families of each of his guests as if he had given a banquet instead of a supper. As club life among gentlemen tends more and more to postpone marriage, this method of en- tertaining is likely to increase in our city. Of course there is no objection to the custom of opera and theatre parties in their most refined forms and usages; but an hotel dinner and supper lack the charm which domestic hospitality should hold for our highly-bred people. Of course this custom diminishes the care which entertaining is likely to bring to the dinner-giving host and hostess, and it does not greatly increase the ex- penses of canceling social obligations. Eight, ten, or twelve guests are the customary numbers invited to such a festivity, the smallness of the circle or coterie adding much to its delights. If these parties are given by a lady in her 124 SOCIAL ETIQUETTE. own home, the invitations are issued by informal written notes in her own name, and the dinner almost invariably precedes the public amuse- ment. After the opera or theatre, it is proper for her to invite her guests to a restaurant for a light refreshment, but she oftener than otherwise begs them to return to her own residence, where a dainty supper awaits them. A lady-guest may, however, excuse herself from this after-part of the hospitality if she pleases, and not give of- fense. Party calls follow in the usual manner. If private theatricals or music is to be a part or all of the entertainment at a gentleman's resi- dence, the word theatricals, or musicale % is written upon the left lower part of the card of invitation. If the pleasure be accepted, a prompt attendance is compulsory. If dancing is to follow, the hour of its com- mencement is also mentioned. It may be writ- ten across the card of invitation in this wise : Theatricals at eight o clock : dancing at tU\ If the company is desired to wear fancy dress, or be masked, the words fancy dress, or OPERA AND THEATRE PARTIES. 125 bal masqud, may be written at the usual left lower side. This announcement may be engraved if the party is to be an elaborate one, and its amuse- ments may be prominently stated in a line of their own, extending through the centre of the invitation. A character, or author's party, is one of our latest favorites. The name of the. author from whom the characters are to be selected is en- graved or written upon the card of invitation. After the host and hostess's names, and the usual request, it is customary to add : In character from " IVaverley" or from any other author whose heroes and hero- ines are familiar to general society, such as Dickens, Bulwer, etc. Invitations to a charac- ter party should be issued from three to four weeks in advance, to give ample time for refresh- ing the memory and preparing costumes. If the courtesy be accepted, it is rude to appear at the party in any other than a fitting character and costume, according to the host's desire. XIII. ETIQUETTE OF WEDDINGS. However hostile the aggressively independ- ent American may be to conventionalities of all sorts, and deeply as his scorn of etiquette may have been planted and rooted, and vigorous as may be its present growths, marriages cannot be conducted without at least some little ceremony. There are formalities which cannot be escaped at weddings. Even at that simplest of services, a marriage between Quakers, the witnesses are compelled to sit in silence — that most awful of conventionalities to the person who abhors eti- quette and ceremony — until one or the other of the two aspirants for a wedded life is moved by the spirit within to announce this intention audibly. The law enforces a ceremony, and the gently- bred have thrown about this unpicturesque but jurisprudential formality certain beautiful and ETIQUETTE OF WEDDINGS. 127 refined customs, which, with harmonious varia- tions, have been adopted by, and into, our best society. As the dress of the youthful bride is white, an artistic variation of the fashion of it is admissible, and even agreeable, but no one would mistake it for a garment intended for another festivity. Etiquette has, in the same spirit of liberality, established a formula for the celebration of marriages, and each bridal pair endeavors to vary and beautify these ceremoni- als by an individual and poetic charm, without really departing from those customs which time and long establishment have made venerable and impressive. The announcement of an engagement of marriage has no rigid formality in New York, and yet a betrothal is made known to the friends of the promised pair in some pleasant manner. Sometimes a dinner-party is given by the family of the bride-elect, or it may be enjoyed at the home of the groom (when the bride and her immediate family must be present), and the host announces the agreeable intelligence just be- fore rising from the feast, when a general out- 128 SOCIAL ETIQUETTE. burst of good feeling and congratulation takes place. Good-natured gossip does the rest for the social circle of both the gentleman and lady most interested. Congratulations by note speedily follow, also the sending of flowers to the lady, calls, etc. Sometimes it is done by note from the mother of the bride, or from the bride herself to her very intimate friends. The groom does the same by his near and dear associates. Of course these notes receive immediate responses. Among families who entertain generously, dinner, or evening parties for dancing, or for opera going, are given to the engaged couple by their friends, and the plighted pair appear to- gether and receive congratulations. The friends of the bride call upon her, or leave cards, and, as an announcement of an engagement is made at no great distance from the date fixed for the marriage, the bride does not pay ceremonious visits in the interval. It is customary, however, for her to leave her last visiting-card in person at the doors of her ETIQUETTE OF WEDDINGS. 129 friends' residences at the time, or just before, her wedding invitations are distributed ; but she does not enter, except it be to visit an invalid or an aged friend. This last distribution of a proof of her re- membrance is almost like a memorial, because the bride will not again use the name of her own family. Consequently this call before mar- riage is one of strict etiquette, which she cannot well escape. Her wedding-cards are sent out at least ten days before the ceremony is to take place, and often much earlier. Invitations to remote places are forwarded sooner, so that parties who propose to be present can arrange to make the journey. The invitations to the marriage-ceremony are sent in the name of the bride's father and mother, or of one alone if one only be living. If the bride stands in other relationship, like that of ward, niece, granddaughter, cousin, or simply friend, to the persons or person issuing the invitation, the fact of this relation is noted in the formula in place of the word " daughter." Accompanying the engraved note is a card 130 SOCIAL ETIQUETTE. of invitation to the breakfast or reception for such persons as are entitled to be bidden to par- take of the festivities. Very handsome church weddings are often carefully guarded by the master of ceremonies, and no one can enter the church without showing cards of admission. As a place of worship, of course a church should be open to all ; but liberties which appear to be proper are not upon all occasions agree- able in their consequences. Without these tick- ets of admission, the gentleman in charge of the ceremonials could not distinguish the plainly- costumed friends and acquaintances of the bridal party from that eager and idle rabble which would otherwise crowd the church, just for the satisfaction of looking upon that never tiresome spectacle — two persons who have come together to show publicly that they fully believe they were created to enjoy each other's society for ever and ever. These tickets of admission are unwillingly used; but experience in New York has proved that there are weddings at which they are an unpleasant necessity. ETIQUETTE OF WEDDINGS, 131 One or more of these cards is also enclosed in the envelopes which cover the ceremonial invitation and the reception-card. They are intended for distribution to personal friends of the invited, and also for the use of servants who accompany guests to the church. Friends who wear mourning costumes usually enter the church by these cards, quietly and early, and hide themselves in the crowd to escape the eyes of the bridal pair. Pleasant omens are not suggested, by those who are sup- posed to be wise in these prophetic phenomena, by one coming to us dressed in crape. Hence this delicate custom among the sorrowing, of absenting themselves from the festal part of weddings, and also of making themselves invisi- ble to the marriage-party while they are pres- ent in church to join in the prayerful ceremony of the hour. Invitations to weddings are now engraved upon one sheet of paper, the separate cards of the bride and of the groom being seldom in use. The following form is preferred for the engraving, which is plain script. The paper is 132 SOCIAL ETIQUETTE. thick, fine, and shaped so as to fold once. If cipher, monogram, or crest of the bride's family be used upon the paper, it should not be printed in color for weddings, and the centre of the top of the page is the proper position for it. It is, however, considered elegant at present to place the monogram, cipher, or crest upon the enve- lope, and omit it from the note. MR. AND MRS. HOWARD MORTIMER request your presence at the marriage of their daughter. Miss Matilde Alice, to Mr. Alexis Stafford Carlton, on Tuesday morning, September tenth, 1 8 78, at eleven o'clock, St. John's Cathedral, New York. (The word presence, instead of company, is rather the more dignified and impressive, but the latter is frequently used.) For such as are really friends of the party most in: d in the marriage, another card is inclosed with the above. ETIQUETTE OE WEDDINGS. 133 The following is the form of invitation to the reception : MR. AND MRS. HOWARD MORTIMER AT HOME, Tuesday morning, September tenth, from half -past eleven until four o clock. 59 West Lombard Street. The admission-card is narrow and long, and bears the following formula, neatly and plainly engraved in script : st. john's cathedral. Ceremony at eleven o'clock. The order of the religious part of the marriage- ceremony is fixed by the church in which it occurs; but there are pleasant picturesque ef- fects, and agreeable and significant surprises that may be added to the old-fashioned, staid regulations. These added attractions establish in the minds of those present a distinct remem- brance of an event that should always remain a pleasant memory. Refined taste and a careful arrangement and understanding of the details 134 SOCIAL ETIQUETTE. of these things are a decided necessity, and of course rehearsals are required. The customs of a community change so grad- ually that one is scarce conscious of a difference in its social forms until a transformation is wholly completed. During many years it was an Ameri- can usage for bridegrooms to select a retinue of young gentlemen who should equal in number the maids who attended the bride. These friends served as cavaliers for the waiting maidens, and also as sombre backgrounds for the toilets of fairer creatures than themselves. Besides the eagerness which is expressed by our social lead- ers to follow British examples whenever it be possible in a republic — perhaps only to prove to them that we have forgotten that it was once the fervent desire of England to direct us in these very matters along with others of more vital im- portance — there are several serious reasons why the groom should now invite but one gentleman to attend him during this important observance. These reasons, less romantic than practical, will suggest themselves to marrying maids and men, without our mentioning them in this chap- ETIQUETTE OF WEDDINGS. 135 ter. Accordingly, the bridegroom of to-day sim- plifies his individual part in the marriage pageant by choosing a single friend, whom he calls his "best man," to attend upon him during this se- rious transition. This is an English title, and also an English custom, which is altogether sen- sible and convenient. The " best man " arranges the business and social formalities of the wed- ding, thereby leaving the husband-elect to enjoy or to endure all the tranquillities that are possi- ble to him during the celebration of his marriage. From among the ushers one is selected to be master of the ceremonies. He is early at the church, because the spectacle of an awning and carpet is certain to attract the idle, who are always eager to look upon a pretty spectacle of any kind, and especially upon a wedding. Having been made acquainted with the num- ber of guests expected to be present at the church, he calculates the space they will occupy and places the ribbon or the arch of flowers across the aisle far enough back from the altar to give them ample room, remembering that a lady in full toilet does not feel too amiable when 136 SOCIAL ETIQUETTE, she is crushed into narrow spaces. He sees that the organist is present, and that his programme of compositions is properly arranged. The kneel- ing-stool, which should be covered with white, should also be looked at and properly adjusted, and then all the ushers take their places, to be in readiness to escort ladies to their proper seats. The usher offers a lady his right arm, and if un- acquainted with her, inquires if she be a friend of the bride or groom. If of the bride, he places her in a seat upon the left, and, if of the groom, upon the right side of the main aisle. If the lady guest be attended by a gentleman he follows her to her seat. Ushers are usually acquainted with the two families, and understand where to place the nearer and where the remoter kinspeople of the bridal party. This arrangement disposes the father or guardian of the bride at the proper place during and after the ceremony. When the bride and her attendants have ar- rived and arranged themselves in the vestibule, the groom and "best man " come forth from the vestry and wait at the altar, the organ meantime playing softly some melody that was chosen by ETIQUETTE OF WEDDIXGS. 137 the bride. Usually the ushers walk in pairs in advance of the ladies, and arrange themselves at the right of the two awaiting gentlemen, whose faces are turned toward the advancing bride. Sometimes the bridemaids precede and some- times they follow the bride, and always stand at her left side. These arrangements of precedence, or the contrary, are permitted to be matters of individual preference. If the maids precede her, two or four little boys, costumed as pages, may follow her to bear her train, or perhaps to carry baskets of flowers, which they scatter in her path as she leaves the church. To do this they must precede her when going out. If the maids fol- low the bride, sometimes she is preceded by two or four little girls, who strew her path to the altar with blossoms. The bride, in w T hite, is ornamented with nat- ural flowers, which may be of any variety that charms her, the orange-blossom being no longer a requisite of the ceremony. She is veiled, and leans upon the arm of whoever is nearest by kin or affiliation to her, and who is to give her away. The bridemaids dress in delicate colors, wear 138 SOCIAL ETIQUETTE. no train, and the fabrics of their costumes are far less grand than the one which robes the bride. It is considered in bad form for the bridemaids to array themselves otherwise than simply, but prettily and becomingly. Hats that are pictu- resque and perhaps historic in style, or bonnets with short white tulle veils, are worn by them. They carry baskets or fans of flowers, and these may be of as diverse tints as their complexions will permit, but the fashioning of their dresses is limited by the styles of one period. It is not uncommon at present for the ladies of bridal parties to copy an historical picture by their garments and coiffares, and the effect is usually charming. The ceremony would be greatly beautified in such instances if the gentle- men would also copy the same picture by their own vestments. If the wedding is by day, the gentlemen wear a morning dress, which consists of dark coat and vest, and light trousers, with a white necktie. The groom may wear light but not white gloi or he may be gloveless if he chooses to take ad- vantage of late English examples in high life. If ETIQUETTE OF WEDDINGS. 139 the ceremony takes place in the evening, full dress is demanded of him, and, of course, of all the gentlemen present. The bride often carries a prayer-book, which is sumptuously bound, and is usually a gift from a dear friend; also a bouquet or fan of lilies-of- the-valley, white carnations, or other blossoms that are delicate and suggestive of a sentiment suited to the occasion. The ring is a customary part of the marriage service, few churches rejecting this symbol, which is so significant of an unending compact. In the older countries, and especially among the Ger- mans, a plain gold ring with date and inscription is given to the woman as a sign of betrothal, and the same ring is again used at the marriage cere- mony, after which a jeweled ring is added to guard that more precious one which was used as a seal, and is to be worn always as a sign of con- firmation to earlier but equally solemn promises. This is a poetic and beautiful formality, that is likely to become a general custom. The size of the diamond of betrothal having been too often accepted as a measurement of the bride- 140 SOCIAL ETIQUETTE. groom's fortune, it is ceasing to be an agreeable symbol to young ladies of refined fibre and deli- cate sentiments. Those who still cling to the custom of placing a jewel upon the hand of a fiancee are extremely careful to choose a flawless diamond, no matter how small it may be. There is a haunting superstition about the perfection of this symbol that is not without its uses. It is at least an evidence of the giver's sincerities. The bride and groom kneel a moment in silent devotion, while the organ repeats its beau- tiful inarticulations. They rise, the ceremony proceeds, and after the clerical blessing the cler- gyman congratulates the husband and wife, but he does not kiss the lady, as was once the cus- tom. Indeed, kissing in public is no longer per- missible in good society, and a reserved and refined womanhood has been long in rebellion against this usage without having abolished it until quite recently. This public may be her own invited and welcomed guests, but all the same she objects to being kissed in their pres- ence, and very properly. Indeed, few brides are willing to have their veils raised and thrown ETIQUETTE OF WEDDINGS. 141 backward until they have left the church. This, also, is in excellent taste. Two of the ushers usually hurry from the vestibule to the residence of the bride, to be in readiness to receive the newly-wedded. The bridal party, with half the maids at the right of the lady and half at the left of the groom, take their position for the usual congratulations. The parents of the bride stand at a little distance upon her right and those of the groom at his left. As the guests arrive, the ushers are ready to offer their right arms to the ladies to conduct them to the married pair. The gentlemen at- tendants of the ladies follow. If the usher is not acquainted with the lady he is escorting, he asks her name on the way. He presents her and her attendant to the bride and groom, and then takes them to the parents of the wedded pair and in- troduces them. Two families who are frequently strangers to each other make this formality both necessary and agreeable. If ladies are present without gentlemen, and the reception be large, an usher attends each lady to the breakfast-room, and H2 SOCIAL ETIQUETTE. sees that she is properly served. If the company be small and the entertainment be a breakfast- table, with chairs and cards of location, an escort is provided for each one of the ladies in the same manner as at any other breakfast of ceremony. The host sits at one end of the table and the hostess at the other, he with the bride at his right, she with the groom at hers, when a wed- ding breakfast is arranged in this charming but limited fashion. After the breakfast, or in case of a reception, before the guests disperse, the bride and groom retire to their dressing-rooms quietly, taking no leave of any one, and prepare for their depart- ure. They don their traveling attire and only a few favored or especially invited friends remain with the bridemaids and ushers to throw rice and worn slippers after their carriage. The "best man " has already gone to the train or steamer to look after their luggage, and to see them off without vexation or care-taking. No one asks them whither they are flitting, such a question being considered in bad taste. ETIQUETTE OF WEDDINGS. 143 The " best man " only is aware of the direction in which their honeymoon is rising, and he is not likely to speak of his knowledge. Bridal gifts are seldom exhibited, and the few friends who are permitted to look at them examine them only after their cards are removed, so that a token of love may not be suspected of ostentation nor one of display have its real mo- tives recognized to dishonor the gifts of sincere affection. The present of usefulness may be sent only by those who have a right to comprehend the needs of the newly-wedded. All friends, who are " a little less than kin and a little more than kind," may contribute such objects of art and beauty, of literature or of antiquity, as shall be an acknowledgment and compliment to the culti- vation and refined tastes of the bride and groom, but useful articles, such as silver, furniture, and money, may not be given by those who are out- side of the family circle. Indeed, there is, hap- pily, less universality in the wedding gift than formerly. It has fallen into disrepute, and by not a few families it is considered an intrusion, TO 144 SOCIAL ETIQUETTE. if not an impertinence ; unfortunately, it cannot be guarded against by advertisement, as is the once universal and unpleasant floral bouquet at funerals. Those gifts which are sent to the bride, such as linen, silver, etc., are marked, if inscribed at all, with her maiden name ; those for the groom with his cipher or initial. The bride acknowl- edges by note, with her own hand, every gift which she receives. Sometimes she carries or is followed on her wedding tour by a list of her. presents, so that she may return thanks as early as practicable. It is proper to mention that the groom gen- erally presents some souvenir of the occasion to each of the bridemaids and ushers, and ingenuity struggles to devise simple and enduring novelties for these occasions. Fans, rings, bangles, and miniatures, prayer-books and lamps, have served when nothing else could be thought of, and canes and scarf-pins, sleeve-buttons and spurs, are among the objects bestowed to remind the re- ceivers of their opportune services. The bou- quets of the maids and the boutonnieres of the ETIQUETTE OF WEDDINGS. 145 ushers are the gift of the bride. If she desires an unusual fashion or fabric for the bridemaids' toilet, she provides these also. If the wedded pair commence life in a house of their own, it is customary to issue " At home H cards for a few mornings or evenings at no dis, tant date, unless the marriage occurs in early summer, when these informal receptions are de- layed until autumn. Only such persons are in- vited as the young people choose to keep as friends, or perhaps only those whom they can afford to retain. It is an easy and sensible op- portunity for carefully rearranging one's social list, because there are limitations to hospitality which are frequently more necessary than agree- able. This list of old friends and acquaintances cannot be too seriously considered and sifted, and no moment is so favorable as at the beginning of housekeeping. This custom of arranging a fresh list is admitted as a social necessity, and nobody is offended. The omission of reception-cards is taken as a communicative and intelligent silence, which may cause regret, but it cannot give offense. Tt only declares that by marriage the 146 SOCIAL ETIQUETTE. new household has doubled the number of its kinspeople and friends by uniting two families. That is all. These reception-cards are neither large nor small, but fine in quality. A note may be used if preferred ; but the card is less osten- tatious and more convenient. The following is the accepted style : MR. AND MRS. ALEXIS STAFFORD CARLTON, AT HOME, Tuesday evenings in September^ from eight to eleven d clock. 39 Bradford Street. An elaborate table on these occasions is not considered in refined taste. The bride wears a reception toilet, and the groom is in full even- ing dress. This form of card is also used if the marriage has been very quiet. In cases where the wedding has been private or informal, during the absence of the pair on their wedding-journey, the bride's family some- times issue an announcement of the marriage ill their friends and acquaintances. This ! or note implies that the marriage was fully ETIQUETTE OF WEDDINGS. 147 sanctioned by the parents, and it dignifies the ceremony in the estimation of its recipients. These notes are engraved, and in many in- stances they are prepared for distant friends who could not be present even at a grand wedding. Distance may make an invitation an absurdity. The form of this announcement is usually as follows, and it is sent in two envelopes, by post: MR. AND MRS. HOWARD MORTIMER announce the marriage of their daughter. Miss Matilde Alice, and Mr. Alexis Stafford Carlton, Tuesday, October tenth, 1878. No. 59 Lombard Street, New York. A note of congratulation is usually sent to the parents of the bride, and also to the bri- dal pair if the intimacy of the parties war- rants it. If there has been no wedding reception, and a reception follows the return of the couple to town, even though the young people take pos- session of their own house, the mother of the 148 SOCIAL ETIQUETTE. bride usually gives one to them first. She sends out notes or large cards, engraved in the follow- ing manner: MRS. HOWARD MORTIMER. MRS. ALEXIS STAFFORD CARLTON. AT HOME, Tuesday \ December ninth, from three until ten o'clock. 59 West Lombard Street. If a reception be given only in the evening, the invitation will be issued in the names of Mr. and Mrs, Howard Mortimer, and a separate card will bear the names of Mr. and Mrs. Alexis Stafford Carlton. One envelope encloses both cards. It is permissible in cases where a marriage takes place during seasons of family mourning, or of a misfortune, to issue cards simply bearing the names of the married party, with new ad- dress, and another card enclosed, upon which is engraved the maiden name of the bride. The entry of the bridal party to the church may be varied to suit the taste, but care should ETIQUETTE OF WEDDINGS. 149 be taken to avoid dramatic effects while endeav- oring to be picturesque and impressive. If the formality described in this chapter be followed, the parties adopting it will be certain to find precedents for their style among the highest social circles of New York. But there are timid brides, who prefer to adhere strictly to the fashion of their grandmothers, and gain content in the imitation of a long line of worthy exam- ples. In such cases the bridemaids first pass up the aisle, each with a gentleman on whom to lean ; they turn at the altar, the ladies going to their left and the gentlemen to their right, and the groom follows, bearing his destined mother-in-law on his arm. This lady he seats, as speedily as politeness permits, in a convenient front pew at his left. The bride follows, cling- ing to the arm of her father; or, if she be or- phaned, her next-of-kin supports her on her way to her expectant groom. At her left, and just a step or two back of her, her father waits until asked to give her away, which he does by taking her right hand and placing it in that of the cler- gyman. After this brief but important formality, 150 SOCIAL ETIQUETTE. he joins the lady who entered with the groom and becomes her escort. The father and mother pass out of the church just behind the bridal company. Among the bright and pleasant variations to the solemn pomp of a church wedding which etiquette heartily approves, although it does not prescribe it, is the strewing of flowers in the path of the young couple as they go away from the altar. Little girls, costumed in white rai- ment, with baskets of blossoms, rise up, like un- suspected fairies, while the clergyman is congrat- ulating the bride, and slowly drop roses down the aisle to the carriage. Sometimes garlands of flowers, that have been somewhere hidden, are suddenly seen stretched across the aisle at brief intervals, by little maidens who stand on the seats at the ends of the pews, and lift their pretty arms high in air to swing their roses over the pathway of the bridal party. Sometimes, instead of garlands, they toss rose-leaves in crimson, gold, and white from the same high positions, all over the outgoing pro- cession. Many other devices, fanciful and ETIQUETTE OF WEDDINGS. 151 charming, may be added to the brief brightness of the moment. Weddings at home vary but little from those at church. The music, the assembling of the friends, and the descent of the bridal party and their entree to the position selected, are just the same. An altar of flowers and a place for kneel- ing can be easily arranged at home. The space behind the altar need be no wider than is re- quired for the clergyman to stand. When the marriage ceremony is concluded, the party turn in their places, and face their friends, who wait to congratulate them. If space be of importance, the kneeling-stool, and even the floral altar, may be removed a little later, without observation. The latter, however, is usually pushed back against the wall, and adds to the decorative part of the festivity. Calls or card-leaving, by all the guests, upon the family of the bride, is a rigorous formality within ten days after the wedding. The marriage ceremonies of widows differ only in the not wearing of a veil and the orange- blossoms. She may be costumed in white, and 152 SOCIAL ETIQUETTE. have her maids at the altar, if she pleases. This liberty has been given to her only within a few years, and refined taste will determine her in these matters. On her wedding-cards of invita- tion her maiden name is used as a part of her proper name ; this is but respect to her parents. Having dropped the initials of her deceased husband when she lays aside her crapes, she uses her own Christian name. If she have sons, or unmarried daughters, at the time she becomes again a wife, she prefixes the last name of her children to her new one, on all ceremonious oc- casions in which they are interested in common with herself. This respect is really due to them, and etiquette permits, although our social usages do not imperatively command, its adoption. Of course, the formalities which follow the marriage of a widow can seldom be regulated in the same manner as those of a younger bride. Circumstances must control the entertainments which follow the marriage of a widow, and no fixed forms can be arranged for them. A quiet taste and refined sentiments are the best regu- lators of these civilities. XIV. CHRISTENINGS AND BIRTHDAYS. Once upon a time the naming of the heir was considered the most important of all family celebrations until the day arrived when this young gentleman attained his majority. The daughter, not being entitled to much considera- tion in those days, seldom received her christen- ing with public ostentation, and there were few expressions of delightful hope upon such occa- sions which were worth recording in history. The dissenting churches, however, succeeded in reorganizing the forms of christenings among themselves, and their sentiments and usages eventually modified the ceremonies that were habitual to the established creed. They transformed the old christening cus- toms from a secular high festival of feasting and merriment to a profoundly religious formality, in which austerity was its most noticeable feature. 154 SOCIAL ETIQUETTE. They selected this occasion, of providing names both for sons and daughters, as a fitting time for solemnly dedicating the futures of their offspring to the services of their own faith. This religious ceremony of naming the child, and at the same time consecrating it to a fixed form of faith, has been greatly and sensibly varied within the last quarter of a century among almost all our peo- ple. The religious portion of this ceremony, in its extreme or severe services, has been pleasantly formulated so that participators in the celebra- tion of christening may feel glad at the same time that they are reverential and grateful. In- deed, there is as wide a difference between the present sentiments and convictions which direct this ordinance of christening our children as there is between the former and the present methods of spending the first day of the week. Our Puritan fathers and mothers beautified none of their religious customs ; but their de- scendants have drifted, little by little, away from under the shadow of religious severities, and we have not only ordained for ourselves less rigid CHRISTEXIXGS AXD BIRTHDA VS. 155 usages, but we have acquired sweeter sentiments, tenderer and nobler estimates of duty, and more ennobling customs for christening the little folk, who cannot fetch their names into this world ■long ^::h them. These latter-day celebrations include or com- bine such social and religious forms as cannot, in the slightest degree, dull our perceptions of the highest duty which we owe to the little shapeless white soul that has come to us for guidance and development. Nor has the charm of a beautified religious custom lowered our standard of Christian conduct. Almost all the old barbarities and inhuman- ities of worship are rapidly fading out of the world, even among the pagans. Indeed, it is said that there is less of that grosser servitude which long custom has failed to make satisfying to the most ignorant of people, and abhorrent practices are becoming obsolete, even in heathen lands. Somebody who is both wise and good lately said that the of Prosperity" were the widest of all the entrances to heaven, as has J 56 SOCIAL ETIQUETTE. been proven by the records of Christian charac- ters, and that the sweeter and more beautiful the social observances of a religion, the more profoundly devout was the believing household. Indeed, it would be difficult at present to estab- lish a general belief that the consecration of a little child to a noble life was less sincere be- cause the vow of watchful obligation was made in the presence of many friends, where flowers bloomed, aromas made the thin air deliciously sweet, and harmonious music drifted through the thoughts of the child's parents and sponsors during the sacred hour of consecration. In- deed, such fair surroundings enrich the moment with an abiding benediction. They possess a power of following one with a white wake of hallowed memories that compel us to keep our promised watch over the child. That the christening ceremonials among our superior citizens are becoming more and more beautiful each year in New York, even our sour- est ascetics admit with scarcely a word of dis- approval. The formality which is most in favor is the CHRISTENINGS AND BIRTHDA VS. 157 giving of a reception ; the hours are fixed from three or four o'clock until six p. M. It is equally proper to write the invitations, or to order thern engraved in script. The engraved form is scarcely varied from the following : MR. AND MRS. JAMES ALDRICH request the honor of your presence at the christening ceremony of their son [or daughter] at five o'clock, Thursday \ January tenth. Reception from four to six d clock. No. 101 St. James Street. This card receives an early response. The only difference between a written and an en- graved note is in a less formal distribution of the language upon the note or card when the pen is used. Flowers ornament the house tastefully and possibly elaborately. This decoration is sub- ject to the season, and the ability to secure these pretty symbols of purity and sweetness. The guests all arrive in reception or visiting toi- lets, before five o'clock, and meet the host and hostess just as they would at any reception. 158 SOCIAL ETIQUETTE. Sometimes there is a band of music, but often- er there are a pianist and a quartette of singers, the musicians, more than likely, being selected from among the friends or kinspeople of the child. Sometimes professional musicians are employed. There is a temporary font arranged in a prominent position in the room. A small round table or pedestal is chosen, and upon its centre is placed a silver goblet or bowl, or one of glass. The edge of the pedestal is often hung with vines suspended from its outer edge, so that the support of the baptismal vessel is hidden entirely. Smilax is beautiful and convenient for a deep fringe to a table. The top of this pedestal or table is built up to the rim of the bowl with white flowers, the lower row often being calla lilies laid with their points turned outward and downward, and other blossoms and foliage are arranged above them until the rim of the vessel is overlapped with bloom. Above this is sometimes suspended, by a thread, a white dove, with its wings outspread. This dove can be procured of a taxidermist or of a florist. If it is made of wire and fine white blossoms it is CHRISTENINGS AND BIRTHDAYS. 159 pretty, but the real dove is much more effective and beautiful. At five o'clock the child is brought to the parents, who stand by the font, and the sponsors join them. If it be a girl, its selected guardians are usually two young ladies, who are dressed in white, and who arrange themselves one at each side of the father and mother, and a hymn or chant is sung. The clergyman goes through the rite of christening, according to the formalities of his own established church ; more music fol- lows, and then a benediction. Directly after this, congratulations are offered to the father and mother, and the child is admired and petted, or it is removed to its own apartment, according to its desire or aversion to society. Refresh- ments are offered as at any afternoon entertain- ment, and they are usually of a richer quality than are provided at a very informal reception. Of course this pleasant custom is varied accord- ing to the poetic or artistic fancies of the house- hold, but it is always beautiful and cheerful, and yet it is a sincere consecration. The birthdays of children are being cele- ii 160 SOCIAL ETIQUETTE. brated in New York more and more after the customs of Europeans. These waymarks in the lives of children are made pleasant remem- brances to them. A little feast is made for the child, to which its playmates are invited, but the invitations seldom extend beyond a number that may be seated at table, where they are not over- shadowed by larger eaters. The feast is dainty and plentiful, but not hurtfully rich, and its especial characteristic is a cake in which are imbedded as many fancy wax- candles as are the years of the young person in whose honor the party is given. These candles are placed in little tin tubes and sunken near the outer edge of the cake, or they may be placed in a rim which is arranged about it. They are already lighted when the young people are invited into the banqueting apartment. After the food is eaten, the one who is cele- brating a birthday cuts the cake, if he or she is old and strong enough for such pleasant duty, and a piece of it is given to each guest. Plays or dances follow the supper. Guests are not expected to make presents. Indeed, with the CHRISTEXIXGS AND BIRTHDA VS. 161 exception of a book, or a bunch of flowers, con- tributions would give pain rather than pleasure to the mother of the little host or hostess. These little celebrations continue annually until the child is old enough to enter society. Even if the family be in mourning, a birthday is not forgotten, although the festival may be less gay than usual. Among the elders of a household this annual return of the birthday is seldom celebrated in the presence of any persons except his or her own kinspeople. The twenty-first birthday of a gentleman is often made an occasion for extend- ing hospitalities in the form of a dinner, a party, or a ball, but a lady's age is not thus publicly noticed, for obvious but absurd social reasons. After the lady or gentleman becomes astonish- ingly old, and they feel proud of their longevity, the most beautiful attentions are often bestowed upon them by their young friends, and also by those who were the companions of their youth. Flowers, letters of congratulation, cards of in- quiry and respect, gifts that will interest, break- fast or dinner parties, and receptions, are con- 162 SOCIAL ETIQUETTE. sidered in " good form," as the English express an act which is properly performed. There are few vigorous people who care to emphasize the fact that they are passing still another annual milestone, until they have really reached and entered upon the late afternoon of life, and are feeling the sweet twilight of calm falling like a blessing upon them. It is this ear- lier unwillingness to watch and count the years as they go by that has led to the giving up of birthday celebrations in the presence of one's acquaintances during that active interval which comes in between youth and old age. Even a remembrance of this anniversary in one's own household is oftenest recalled only by " a gift without words," rather than by a spoken congratulation. XV. MARRIAGE ANNIVERSARIES. A noticeable entertainment upon each an- nual return of marriage days is a custom in but few of our best families. In the limited circle of the fireside, however, the day is usually marked by expressions of good-will, and the bestowal of gifts between husband and wife, and also from children and their parents ; but this is all. After the passing of a certain number of years, which are marked off into epochs by sev- eral distinguishing but fanciful names, many of our households celebrate the anniversaries of their marriage by extended hospitalities. Of course, elderly people feel and manifest their joy by graver or more dignified formalities in their entertainments than is expected of younger husbands and wives, the latter often providing merriment of a fanciful kind. Not that any of 164 SOCIAL ETIQUETTE. these anniversaries are emphasized in our high- er circles "upon the contribution plan," as a cynical writer upon our social customs has most aptly styled that sort of hospitality which inti- mates by the form of its invitations that presents are expected. To offer a souvenir to a bride is a pleasant method of expressing to her our good wishes, but to contribute to the sustainment of her after house-furnishing is quite another affair. As a custom, begging is unknown to the superior entertainers of New York. The marriage anniversary which falls after five years is sometimes called " a wooden wed- ding ; " after ten years, it is mentioned as " tin ; " after twenty, it is " crystal ; " at twenty-five, it is 11 silver; " at fifty, it is a " golden anniversary; " and at sixty, the " diamond wedding " occurs. Those who have lived together in contented wedlock twenty-five years are usually glad enough to express their happiness in some em- phatic manner, and also to beg the recognition of this event by their friends and acquaintances. Our most self-respecting households who de- sire to celebrate B return of their wedding-day MARRIAGE ANNIVERSARIES. 165 are compelled, through their delicacy of feeling, to relinquish a general gala entertainment, or else to make an announcement upon their cards of invitation of their private sentiments in the matter of a miscellaneous gift-making. Just now we are passing through an unpleasant social transition, and we hope soon to have attained a higher civilization in this particular ; these ap- parently compulsory contributions upon certain occasions, either glad or sorrowful, will have fallen into disuse. It is no more agreeable to the entertainer to be compelled, in self-defense, to direct that " no gifts received " be engraved upon cards of invi- tation to a party than it is to add R. S. V. P., which four consonants unpleasantly suggest that there may be a lack of familiarity with polite usages on the part of those who are bidden to an entertainment. Without doubt we shall soon pass the " donation period " in our social cus- toms, and a gift will become what it really should be, significant of something superior to a mean- ingless habit. Of course, very near kinspeople and very 166 SOCIAL ETIQUETTE. dear old friends will take the liberty sometimes of disregarding the engraved injunction, just as such valued individuals indulge themselves in familiarities with the rules that usually govern one's private social affairs. But if remoter rela- tives or mere society acquaintances send a gift other than flowers or a book, after being re- quested to restrict their generosity, they need not be surprised if the act be considered an impertinence, and resented accordingly. The value of a gift has come to be measured, by per- sons of delicacy, by the motive which prompted its bestowal, and there is a decidedly serious effort being made by our refined and influential leaders of society to escape from an unpleasant- ness that may be suffered equally by the giver and the receiver of formal presents. People of superior breeding regard anniver- sary contributions to their household effects with distress, if not with aversion, and such gifts, if not presented by those who possess a natural right to make such bestowals, are likely to be returned to their donors. When this custom of self-respecting indc- MARRIAGE ANNIVERSARIES. \i\; pendencc of material favors is fully established in our higher circles, society will be pitched at least an octave above its late key-note. Indeed, there are not a few married people who refrain from asking their friends and aequaintances to participate in their rejoicing upon anniversary days, through fear of being considered willing to receive gifts from those whom they desire only to be merry with. Doubtless it is for this reason that fashion has frowned upon the grotesquerie of cards of wood, tin, etc., which were popular only a lew years since as notifications to a guest of the occasion which suggested a festivity. The prevailing style of cards of invitation to an anniversary party or reception is just the same as to any ordinary entertainment. A wed- ding-bell, or a horseshoe of white flowers, with the date of the marriage wrought into it with colored blossoms, or a bride's loaf dated by con- fections, and placed upon a separate table of honor, informs the guests of the reason for re- joicing, after their arrival, when congratulations follow as a matter of course. When a quarter of a century of married life is 168 SOCIAL ETIQUETTE. to be celebrated, it is customary to mention the fact upon the cards, and the much-needed infor- mation, no gifts received, is placed in the left-hand lower corner. The formula of the invitation is in the following style, clearly engraved in script: MR. AND MRS. JOHN WINTHROP request the pleasure of your presence on Monday evenings January ninths at eight o'clock, to celeb7-ate the twenty-fifth anniversary of their marriage. No. 22 Adams Street. No gifts received. In responding to this invitation, either to accept or decline the hospitable civility, cour- teous congratulations are added in any graceful style which an acquaintance with the givers of the entertainment may suggest. A too familiar and over-cordial note of response is almost as offensive as one which expresses no interest at all in the parties, who have been wedded com- panions through so many years. There is a happy medium to the formalities of even kindly wishes. It is not unnatural to suspect an ac- MARRIAGE ANNIVERSARIES. 1G9 quaintance of insincerity when excesses of lan- guage are used in society matters. When such an impressive anniversary has arrived, it is customary for the host and hostess to secure as many guests as possible from among those who were present at their wedding. The clergyman who performed the ceremony is bid- den, and, if possible, the wedding-garments are again worn upon the occasion. The clergyman returns thanks for the prolonged life of the pair, and such other interesting formalities are added as will make the occasion impressive, without being oppressive. After the clergyman has completed his part of the ceremony (provided his presence has been secured), the near kinspeople offer congratula- tions first, when other guests follow after the manner of a wedding reception. When a formal supper is provided, the host and hostess lead together upon this peculiar occasion, and the guests follow in convenient order, as at an ordi- nary party. If the supper be arranged in buffet style, the bride and groom retain their positions during 170 SOCIAL ETIQUETTE. the entire evening, except there be dancing, when they frequently lead the first set, which is usually a cotillon upon such anniversaries. The guests seek the buffet or table for refreshments whenever it suits their pleasure, and take leave before midnight, after having expressed parting wishes for many more years of health and glad- ness to their entertainers. After-calls of formal- ity are expected as a matter of course. There are many beautiful and suggestive decorations possible upon such an occasion. Sometimes all the floral ornaments in the house are fully-blossoming roses and ivy, or rich foli- age and no bloom. Among the loveliest and most suggestive of house decorations for a golden wedding anniversary are groups of palms and gracefully drooping heads of wheat, tied up in small sheaves. Garlands of laurel and au- tumnal foliage are also both charming and pleasantly significant of the afternoon of a happy life XVI. EXTENDED VISITS. We are becoming a hospitable people, but we cannot, if we would, model our customs after that most generous of hosts, an Englishman. He entertains almost entirely in the country, but we usually extend our courtesies to distant friends while we are staying in town. The formalities of invitations, and their prompt acceptance or rejection, are the same in both countries, and they involve the same obligations on both guest and host. It is the duty of the first to appreciate every effort to entertain them, and equally the duty as it is the pleasure of the host and hostess to contribute comfort at home and amusement both in and out of the house. To fix rules for the methods by which hospitalities are made both sacred and beautiful is impossible so long as cir- cumstances and fortunes differ. Some people never recognize the obligation which should com- 172 SOCIAL ETIQUETTE. pel them to entertain. Indeed, the plains of me- diocrity are fertile in the production of individ- uals who never do anything for which they have not an unquestionable and easily recognizable precedent, but who, through indolence or a self- ish unwillingness to sacrifice their own wishes for the sake of their guests, make social inter- course in their households a burden instead of a pleasure to their visitors. Of this class the num- ber is so great that society does not know just what to do with them. To be a charming hostess requires all the best qualities of the legendary angel, combined with the fascinating wisdom of the arch-enemy. A morbid devotion to truthfulness in word, deed, and countenance is impossible to the cordial or even the courteous hostess. She is compelled by the sacredness of her position " to smile though china fall," which virtuous attainment, by the way, is the result not only of an intense longing but of confidently expecting to be an angel. Es- ially is this true of the prevailing devotee to l fragile god, Keramos. We have been directed to turn the other cheek EXTENDED VISITS. 17:j for a blow, when one of them has been spitefully smitten, and it is fortunate for some of us that this command did not read, " If one tassebe ruth- lessly crushed by the reckless fiends of the china- closet, demand that the theiere be broken also." One would mend itself in the event of its being cruelly treated, but the other one, helas ! The indifferent housekeeper can never become the perfect hostess because, lightly as we may hold the material comforts of life, when we weigh them against the nobler quality of being loyal to all the virtues of heart, soul, and intellect, the smooth, noiseless running of the domestic ma- chinery does carry the guest from his welcome to his adieus as if " flowery beds of roses " were the couches which had upheld and rested him. The grinding which is felt by the jerky march of ir- regular hours, incapable services, and food pre- pared in an inferior manner would wrench from the most tenacious memory the charm of a cordial welcome given by the sweetest of souls. There are women who really possess the trained capability of ruling their homes with the perfection of intel- ligent authority, and yet who throw down the 174 SOCIAL ETIQUETTE. scepter because their less accomplished acquaint- ances are unable to wield one of similar power. They intend to wear their virtues and acquirements lightly in order not to be too hard on their less competent sisters ; this, at least, is the indirect and mischievous but most amiable confession which their household negligence implies. Besides the regular domestic drilling, which can only be performed by the highest officer, an esprit de corps should be infused into the family troop, and then kept up by an unflagging and unflinching discipline. This formality of expres- sion, doubtless, appears to be severe, but its sen- timent, when put into practice, is the very kind- est. The most rigid of military disciplinarians have always been the most beloved and revered the world over, as history clearly proves, and the strictest of commanders and regulators in domes- tic services secure the most devotedly attached and permanent employees. As a rule, the lady who has inherited large es- tablishments and large fortunes through several succeeding generations is the finest of housekeep- . and the most capable of disciplinarians in the EXTENDED VISITS. 175 management of her own home. The housekeeper who supposes that to be indifferent about excess- es in expenditures is a proof of refined elegance and superior breeding, is altogether mistaken. She never convinces any one that her ancestry as well as herself have been rich so long that familiarity with fortune has bred contempt. If she has fostered such an idea, it is just as well to relinquish it at once, because she is wofully mis- taken in her opinion. To be ostentatious is a positive proof of vulgarity, and foolish lavishness stands as an undoubted witness to the fact that an abundant possession is a recent acquirement. Only those who have been made intimate with good fortune through a prolonged familiarity, or by a supernatural development of good sense, are capable of fully appreciating its real value and its great power, and are able to apply it accord- ingly. There are, unfortunately, too many women in America whose fathers or husbands have made immense sums of money in disreputable varieties of commerce, and they naturally feel as if they had difficult positions to maintain; therefore 12 176 SOCIAL ETIQUETTE. they endeavor to veil unpleasant facts by a glamour of pomp and an imposing parade of in- difference to the cost of their luxuries. Extravagant outlays of money, of time, or of hospitalities really never delude even those who benefit by the golden shower — never. Their mo- tive or their silliness are always perfectly compre- hended, although the interpretation may never find itself spoken or written in words. The best of us do not eat the salt of another and then publicly quarrel with its savor — of course not ; but the facts are too bald not to be fully under- stood for all that. The superior hostess does not make her house a spectacle. She thoughtfully infuses into her hospitalities the charm of comfort and purity, the sweetness of friendship, the sacredness of the re- lation between the entertainer and the enter- tained ; and between herself and even the hum- blest of her guests there is a recognizable tie which is as dissimilar to that which fastens her in- terest to another guest as its variation is charming. As each individual is surrounded by a characteris- ing atmosphere, both social and mental, the sue- EXTENDED VISITS. 177 cessful hostess depends almost entirely upon dis- covering the peculiarities of each guest ; and while she is blending them into an agreeable harmony, she is careful not to permit the distinguishing elements to be either lost or even forgotten in the general combination of individualities. The hostess should not be a leader but a promoter of attractive differences, which, like the various parts of music, make harmony by the union of their variations. The silent person may be an artist in song, painting, or sculpture. The pleasant conversa- tionist may possess no other accomplishment than that of saying agreeable things in an attractive manner, and the pretty woman may have no other gift than the really great blessing of beauty. A happy hostess is she who entertains for the sake of giving rather than of expecting to receive pleasure. She has eyes and ears for every person in her house, and she is deaf and blind to every one at the same time. She is a discoverer of personal attractions in her less brilliant guests, and she manages to so deftly and delicately adjust these charms before the eyes of her other visitors 178 SOCIAL ETIQUETTE. that each supposes that he himself found them all out by intuition. So vain is the average mor- tal that he will be so profoundly pleased at his own cleverness of perception that he will forget to expect words of wisdom, or even jin- gles of pretty chatter, from lips that he has per- ceived are shaped in the exact arches of classic perfection. Wit that is not cruelty, and learning that is not assuming, arrogant, or aggressive, is always startled into sound by a sweet keynote that is touched by the mistress of the house. She touches this note at a point and during a moment when her guest is able to shine with the greatest brilliancy and glow with his finest effects. A perfect entertainer never confides her wor- ries or her sorrows to an abiding guest, much less will she mention them to one whose visit is to be brief or is only casual. It would be laying a burden upon another at a season when the sacredness of hospitality should protect him from every unpleasant thought. The hostess, in sending invitations to her en guests, mentions the time when she will expect their arrival, and the length of the visit, EXTEXDED VISITS. 179 and it must be a most unequivocally worded and cordially pressed invitation that can induce a guest to remain beyond the period fixed at the moment of the first acceptance of a proffered hos- pitality. There are not many occasions when it is agreeable to visitors to disarrange first plans and by a longer stay confuse their further projects, and it is as cordially friendly for the entertainer to speed the parting guest as it is to heartily welcome the coming one. At an evening visit or entertainment, if the invited person departs before the usual and spe- cified hour, he and she should omit formal adieus, if possible, to avoid putting the thoughts of an unusually early departure into the minds of other guests ; but if an unnoticed departure is impossi- ble, the leave-taking should be quietly done, the hostess expressing her regret at the early de- parture, but on no account can she request a delay that some necessity has demanded. It would be as unkind as it would be indelicate to urge a guest to inconvenience himself for the sake of keeping a crowd intact at a fashionable crush, or even at a small party. As was said be- 180 SOCIAL ETIQUETTE. fore, the fine spirit of hospitality inspires one to bestow pleasure rather than seek it. The hostess is supposed to be the giver, and not the receiver of delights ; and if she feel a deep gratification in entertaining her friends, it must always be through a reflected rather than a direct happiness. XVII. CUSTOMS AND COSTUMES AT THEATRES, CON- CERTS, AND OPERAS. Among the several conspiring causes which make the enjoyment of an opera infrequent, is costume. If a lady wears a full toilet, she must ride in a carriage. If she goes in visiting dress, she cannot properly occupy a box, even if one be placed at her disposal, because she would ap- pear like an ugly weed in a gay garden of bril- liant blossoms. For the same reason she cannot properly make calls in the boxes during the in- tervals of music, if she is soberly clad, and the same applies in part to the gentleman who is in matinee toilet. The new etiquette regarding costume at places of public amusement began only lately to shape itself into a formality in New York. It is now considered quite proper for a gentleman to at- tend an opera in a matinee suit, provided seats 182 SOCIAL ETIQUETTE. have been taken elsewhere than in a box, but he is limited in his visits between the acts to such of his acquaintances as are also in demi-toilet, un- less he goes to the foyer to chat with promena- ders. The latter pleasure has long been one of the agreeable parts of the entertainment in Eu- rope, and the custom of going out with ladies be- tween the acts is rapidly coming into vogue in this country. If a gentleman is in full dress, he may visit everywhere in the house, but he will not seat himself in the orchestra or in the dress circle, because his toilet will appear out of harmony with the soberer garments about him. He may prop- erly wear gloves when he is not in evening dress, as this slight formality of attire is in keeping with the style of his costume. If he wears a dress coat and an evening necktie, it is permissible for him to appear without gloves. This fashion of uncovered hands originated among English roy- alty, and it finds favor with many of the leaders of American society. If a lady is invited by a gentleman to at- tend the opera, it is proper for him to inquire CUSTOMS AT THEATRES, ETC 183 if she prefers to occupy a box, or at least to state to her what place he proposes to offer her. If she accepts a seat in a box, it is de rigueur that she go unbonneted, and at least that she wear a light opera cloak, even if she does not array herself in full evening dress. If she is to be seated elsewhere, she should always wear a bonnet, which may be as gay and pretty as she pleases. It is not considered a breach of etiquette for a gentleman to escort ladies to the opera by any one of the public conveyances, pro- vided street toilets are worn, and a lady of deli- cacy or considerateness, when she accepts the invitation, will mention her desire to go in this unostentatious manner, should circumstances make it proper. A very pretty New York girl — and her pret- tiness should pardon her lack of musical apprecia- tion — declared that if she could choose, she would far rather attend the opera but just one night in a season, and be beautifully dressed, go there in a carriage with two liveried men mounted upon its front, and sit in a prominent box, than to be present every night plainly attired 184 SOCIAL ETIQUETTE. and sit in the orchestra, provided even that a choir of angels were to sing to her. I forgive the pretty creature. The providing of costly appar- el is really the largest expense and the heaviest weariness for a lady whose fondness for good mu- sic is really profound and sincere, and there are not a few among fortune's favorites who prefer the refined and unostentatious quiet of the less dressy circles, just because their preparations for the evening are thus made so much less tiresome and distracting. A lady can go directly from her own dinner-table, bonneted, wrapped, and gloved, and ready to luxuriate in the blisses of harmonious sounds, unwearied by the coiffeur, painfully pretty cAaussure, and other unmentiona- ble etceteras of a grand toilet, which always re- quire a patient endurance of care while she is being arrayed, and an equally distracting anxiety to maintain its elegance. If " eternal vigilance is the price of liberty," it would require a larger mind than woman is accused of possessing to retain an unruffled and unstained magnificence, and listen to all the ravishing notes of the last prima donna and the rich tones of the heavenly CUSTOMS AT THEATRES, ETC 185 baritone at the same time. This is not written as an apology for plain attire. Not at all. It is simply an announcement of the customs of dress which are being molded and hardened by use and by public approval. No individual who loves color, warmth, and beauty, but feels all the more grateful to those who add their charms of gorgeousness in silks, laces, velvets, and jewels, to the opera, because they themselves have been excused by circumstances from feeling compelled to lend their own persons and possessions to intensify this magnificence. An evening bonnet and light gloves are con- sidered by our best society as the height of dress- ing for a public theatre or a concert, unless there is some prearranged understanding that a wan- dering star in the musical or dramatic firmament is to be especially honored, and that a fine toilet is to be one of the methods of expressing respect- ful admiration. Gentlemen need never wear full dress unless the ladies do ; albeit, when no lady is expected to be in grand costume, a gentleman may select whichever style of garment he pleases. The del- 186 SOCIAL ETIQUETTE. icate sentiment which would deter him from going in full dress to the opera when the ladies whom he accompanies are not so attired, need not be considered at a concert where one lady is rresumably as well costumed as another. There are many ways by which a tasteful lady will brighten a sober garb without exhausting her purse or worrying her mind and hands. She will do this in grateful appreciation of the lately ap- proved custom of going to the opera and to the concert-room, and even into a proscenium box at a theatre, in a pretty visiting dress. She can af- ford to enjoy the theatre, good music, and the opera many more times during the winter on this account ; and the gentleman who does not feel compelled to escort a lady in a carriage can indulge in these luxuries twice or three times as often because of this lately established eti- quette in matters of dress. XVIII. NEW-YEAR'S-DAY IN NEW YORK. A general and cordial reception of gentle- men guests upon the first day of the year, by the ladies of almost every household, also by clergy- men, and by gentlemen upon the first New-Years'- Day after marriage, is a Knickerbocker custom which prevailed in New York, with scarce any innovations, until within the last ten years. It was once a day when all gentlemen offered con- gratulations to each of their lady acquaintances, and even employes of a gentleman were permitted to pay their respects, and to eat and drink with the ladies of his household. Hospitalities were then lavishly offered and as lavishly received. This custom began when the city was small, but it has now quite outgrown those possibilities which the original usages of the day could com- pass without difficulty. Beside, there came a time when this excessive social freedom was 188 SOCIAL ETIQUETTE. proportionate to our over-large political liberties, therefore, our hospitalities were narrowed down to a lady's own circle of acquaintances. Even this boundary in many instances widened to so extended a circumference that not a few of our kindliest and most hospitable of ladies have been compelled either to close their doors upon this day of hand-shaking, eating, and drinking, or else to issue cards of welcome to as many of their gentlemen acquaintances as they can enter- tain in a single day. Not many ladies in New York are, however, placed upon such heights of popularity as to make this limitation a genuine necessity, and others may choose to receive congratulations upon New-Year's-Day only from relatives and intimate friends. Some ladies who are unable to endure the fatigue of an all-day reception, or who have other engagements, also issue cards to their gentlemen friends, with the hours which will be given to hospitality on New-Year's-Pay rayed or written upon them. lies who receive in a genera] way whoever choose to call upon them are now almost certain NE W- YEAR 'S-DA Y IN KE W YORK. 1 >f) that the old-time crowds which thronged all open doors a decade ago will no longer intrude upon those from whom they are uncertain even of a recognition. " A man's a man for a* that " was the sentiment which once prevailed in New York at New-Year's time ; but, to be considered a man of to-day, he must be well-bred and un- obtrusive, even during this gala season. Indeed, he must be a gentleman. Besides that, he must have received some unmistakable intimation that his congratulatory visit at this time will be agreeable to the ladies of a household, before he ventures upon a visit. He may be assured of a welcome by the fact that the ladies of his own household interchange civilities with the family whose name he places upon his visiting-list. He may also know it by an unmistakable gracious- ness on the part of the lady or ladies when he has met them in society. There are many ways of understanding these things, but a stranger in New York now no longer waits for this single blessed day as the one that is certain to see doors open to him, which, uninvited, he desires to er.ter. If he 190 SOCIAL ETIQUETTE. should depend upon the old Knickerbocker privilege of a universal welcome at New- Year's, more than likely he will not fail of his anticipa- tions, but he need not be surprised if his host- esses consider him again a stranger the moment he has left them. Those who entertain elaborately upon New- Year's-Day sometimes send out cards of invita- tion in the name of the hostess. They are hand- somely engraved, and inclosed in a single enve- lope. If a daughter or daughters receive with her, Miss Blank or Misses Blank is engraved be- neath her own name. If other ladies than her daughters also receive with her, their visiting- card may be inclosed in the same envelope with the hostess's invitation. Should the lady-guest invite her own personal friends to meet her at the residence of her hostess for this day, she writes the number of the residence where she is to receive on New- Year's upon her own card, adding the receiving hours in ink, and she in- closes the visiting-card of her hostess. The invitation of the hostess is engraved in the following form: NEW-YEAR'S-DAY IN NEW YORK, 191 MRS. CASHILL LEROY, AT HOME, January first, from one until ten o'clock. No. 75 Great Thomas Street. The hostess and other ladies are in full toilets, and the house is lighted as if -it were evening. A table is spread, as if for an ordinary- reception or party, in the back parlor or dining- room. A servant opens the street-door without waiting for the sound of the bell. The gentle- men leave their cards in the hall. They enter the drawing-room with hat in hand, or they may leave it in the hall with overcoat and cane. If their visits are made without a carriage, this dis- position of their outer garment is usually a ne- cessary safeguard to health. Ladies in full cos- tume require the atmosphere of their drawing- rooms to be kept at heights which are intolerable to visitors wearing heavy outer coats. Ladies rise to receive their guests ; but if the apartment be not crowded it is not improper to be seated. The hostess offers her hand to her guest when he enters, and, after an interchange of friendly wishes, he is presented to her lady- 13 192 SOCIAL ETIQUETTE. friends, to whom he bows and wishes a happy year ; but it is not expected that the young or unfamiliar ladies will extend their hands to him. If the visitor has been invited by a guest of the hostess, the latter meets him with the same cor- diality as if he were her own friend. The sa- credness of hospitality demands this from her, both for her own and her friend's sake, no mat- ter how indifferent she may be to the caller. When the sentiments usual to the season have been expressed, a servant offers him coffee or other refreshments, provided the rooms be not crowded, in which case he may seek the table without invitation if he desires food. Perhaps one of the lady entertainers, who wishes to be especially attentive, may accompany him to the feasting-room, even if she be obliged to return to her place directly to receive other incoming guests. A servant will supply his wants ; but, whether he eats or declines refreshment, his visit must be very brief, not to exceed five or ten minul Three minutes is the utmost limit some of our fashionable gentlemen allow them- es at one residence. If he has visited the NE W- YEAR 'S-DA Y IN NEW YORK. 1 93 refreshment-room, he may retire from the house without interrupting his hostess, provided she be occupied with later visitors. In any event, even if she be not very deeply engrossed, he need only bow to each lady as he passes out from their presence. The lady who receives her New-Year's callers less formally may write, " January i " upon her visiting-card, and send it to such of her gentle- men acquaintances as she may like to see upon the first day of the year. If she thus intimates her desire for visitors, she must provide some refreshment to offer to them ; but it need not be an elaborate entertainment. She may wear a visiting costume with light gloves, but she need not turn on the gas, because informal receptions are held in daylight. If she does not mention upon her card the hours for receiving, it is eti- quette for a gentleman to call at any time be- tween twelve m. and ten o'clock in the even- ing. The formalities between hostess and guest are the same as if the reception were held in grand toilet. The lady who does not issue 194 SOCIAL ETIQUETTE. cards, but graciously receives whatever gentle- men acquaintances choose to visit her upon this day, appears as she would upon any " at home " afternoon in the year. She dresses in visiting toilette, wears light gloves, and she may, or she may not, have provided a table of refreshments for her uninvited, but still most welcome guests. She is ready to receive by twelve o'clock, unless she intends to decline visitors altogether, when she usually suspends a basket from the door- handle as a receptacle for the cards of those who would gladly have paid their respects to her during this initial day of the new year. Many gentlemen in New York who cannot visit at this time inclose their visiting-cards in envelopes, and send them by messengers to their lady friends on the morning of New- Year's, or by post the day before. Others drive from door to door and leave their cards in person, the right-hand side being folded over to assure their lady acquaintances that they did not trust this courtesy to the care of a servant. A gentleman leaves as many cards as there are ladies who are old enough to receive visitors; and, if there be a NE W- YEAR 'S-DA Y IN NEW YORK. 195 clergyman or an invalid gentleman in the family, he writes over his own name upon a separate card: For Mr. Samuel Forbes. It is a delicate politeness for a gentleman to leave this token of kindly remembrance and re- spect for such individuals, even if there are no ladies in the same house to whom he owes a similar civility upon New-Year's-Day. The quality, quantity, and costliness of the table appointments and of its supplies on New- Year's-Day at present fall far short of our old- fashioned lavishness. Things which are delicate to the taste and attractive to the eyes are in higher favor than more substantial food, and with very excellent reason. A gentleman who spends from six to ten hours in paying flying visits, each one as brief as he can well make it, cannot eat and drink at each residence that he enters, even if he desires to do so, which, of course, he does not, but the " breaking of bread and the eating of salt " in many homes, just for the significance of the formality, requires that he partake lightly and of light food wherever he lingers for refreshment. 196 SOCIAL ETIQUETTE. Many gentlemen, even among those who take wine ordinarily, refuse it upon this day, because they do not like to accept it at the hand of one lady and refuse it from that of another Again, many ladies, from whose daily tables the glitter of wine-glasses is never absent, do not supply this drink to their guests upon this day, because it is dangerous for their acquaintances to partake of varied vintages, the more specially while passing in and out from over-heated draw- ing-rooms. Delicacies, coffee, chocolate, tea, and bouillon, are supplied in their places, whether the wines be withheld by kindly considerateness, or through conscientious scruples. Gentlemen should wear a morning costume of dark coat and vest, with lighter pantaloons, when they pay New-Year's calls. It is not un- common to see dress-suits, but the taste is ques- tionable, dress-suits never being strictly correct until evening. Gloves, while they may be light in tint, should never be white. Medium tints in scarfs and gloves are in taste upon these occa- sions. XIX. FUNERAL CUSTOMS AND SEASONS OF MOURNING. A few years ago and a portion of this chap- ter could not have been written. The etiquette which carried formal people through the old ordeals of bereavement by death was invariably the same among all classes of society from one end of our land to the other. The very mo- notony of expression which grief felt compelled to assume, in order to be respectable, was one of its least endurable qualities. We all knew that, whenever one of our kinspeople departed from us, there were just such and such processes of systematic attentions to be performed over his remains, and just such quality and quantity of solemnity was to be thrown about the conduct of our lives for a certain length of time. It was all settled by custom. We knew that whatever agony we suffered, much of our distress must be endured in the 198 SOCIAL ETIQUETTE. presence of auditors, and that all the offices of kindliness which it was possible to bestow upon the beloved dead must be performed by the hands of neighbors or hirelings. Among such liberties as are enumerated with thankful pride, the freedom of mourning for our dead, and of caring for their inanimate forms according to the suggestions of our affection, could not be counted. A transformation in funeral services came about, but just how it happened nobody knows. There is at present really no strict etiquette for the conduct of burials in New York. Of course the religious services performed over the dead are more or less under the influence of the Church to which the officiating clergyman be- longs, but the usages of burial are no longer guided and controlled by any fixed set of regu- lations. The arranging and composing of the person of the departed has ceased to be a stereotyped crossing of the palms upon the breast and a rigid upturning of the face. Natural and easy posi- tions of the hands, with the features in partial FUNERAL CUSTOMS, ETC. 19Q profile, have become customary and more agree- able. The clothing is almost always the same as that worn in life. For the young, festal cos- tumes are often selected ; and happily the ap- palling shroud and winding-sheet belong to the dreary legends of the past. It is not uncommon for the soulless body to be neatly attired, as if it were a semi-invalid who had fallen asleep upon a sofa. It is ten- derly pillowed and luxuriously draped. Friends take their last look upon the quiet face, and there is at least one throb of pain the less be- cause of the absence of a coffin. The apartment is often made to wear a cheery aspect by the presence of bright and sweet flowers, which are chosen and arranged with a taste from which ostentatious lavishness is excluded. Pallid blossoms are not chosen by all who have been bereaved. Religious services are frequently performed while the deceased is still lying uncorfined, and the burial takes place at any subsequent time which is convenient to the survivors. This satisfactory arrangement has led to less public interments, because under 200 SOCIAL ETIQUETTE, such circumstances none but immediate kins- people follow the hearse to the cemetery. It is not uncommon for only the male rela- tions of the deceased to be present at the inter- ment, but etiquette fixes no rule for these things. Individual inclination determines the form of such sad offices. So lavish have been the offerings of Mowers that were wrought into unnatural forms, and dedicated by their letterings to absurd uses, that many families beg, through a public card which accompanies the funeral notice, that no friends will contribute flowers. Not that they are ban- ished utterly, but they are delicately selected, and a sentiment of reserve rather than ostenta- tion is expressed by their selection and arrange- ment. Sometimes a tiny sheaf of ripened wheat is laid with a palm branch upon the coffin, or by the side of the venerable dead. A wreath of bay-leaves is chosen for the one whose loss i* a public calamity; white lilies and willow branches, or a garland of poppies, for the long-suffering, are satisfying ; but pillows of wire-fettered carna- FUNERAL CUSTOMS, ETC. 201 tions and harps of rosebuds are becoming less and less attractive to individuals of refined taste. These costly and ungraceful contributions, with the cards of their donors attached, for news- gatherers to copy and to publish, are not among the refined accessories of a funeral among our superior people. A bunch of fragrant blossoms upon the bo- som of the dead, flowers selected with an appro- priateness to the circumstances, age, or senti- ments of the soulless sleeper, are always an agreeable and suggestive attention ; but flowers tied into forms, or in any excess, are no longer considered refined or desirable. The old custom of sitting by the dead, during the long solemn nights that come in between death and burial, has also passed away, except where the remains require attention. It is a sleep that needs no guarding under ordinary circumstances. For the funeral of either a lady or gentleman, six or eight friends are chosen from the imme- diate circle of the deceased, to act as " bearers of the pall," provided the burial follows the fune- 202 SOCIAL ETIQUETTE. ral. This formality becomes an unnecessary usage when the burial is not immediate. These bearers are furnished with black kid gloves to wear at the funeral of a gentleman or an elderly lady, but white ones are usually worn when a young lady has departed. A scarf of black crape or of fine white linen, according to the occasion, is tied about the left arm or laid about the shoulders. These gentlemen sometimes carry the dead to and from the hearse, but oftener they only serve as a guard, and stand with lifted hats during the removal of the dead by persons who have been detailed for this duty. The family and intimate friends do not take leave of their beloved in the presence of the public, when a funeral service is held either at the house or in church. This suffering is en- dured in private before the arrival of those who are only acquaintances. The family are not visible at the time when formal religious rites are being held, but they are not beyond the hearing of the words of the clergyman. Sometimes a chosen friend, and sometimes a ton, arranges the mournful programme that FUNERAL CUSTOMS, ETC. 203 begins a funeral and terminates at the grave, thus sparing the wearied from unnecessary anxiety. A widow wears the plainest of crape and bombazine costume, with a little cap border of white lissty or tarletan. During three months her long veil is worn to conceal her face. Afterward, she may wear a short black tulle veil, with her crape drapery thrown backward. This extreme expression of respect, or of mourning, must be worn a full year, and as much longer as the widow chooses. In France, the customary evidences of grief are fixed and permanent, as were our own fune- ral rites until very lately. This invariableness of costume during times of bereavement con- trasts sharply, and almost absurdly, with the usual Parisian caprices of dress. In New York widows seldom dress in gay colors, and not a few of them wear only black dresses as long as they live, or until they are again wedded. This constant costume is of silk, cashmere, etc., and lightened by laces, white tulle ruchings, and other softening bits of gauzy prettiness. 204 SOCIAL ETIQUETTE. For a father, mother, and for children, the deepest expression of sorrow that garments can produce is worn for one year at least ; and after- ward circumstances and individual convictions determine how soon black shall be lightened in quality until it ceases to be a mourning attire. For brothers and sisters, there are six months of crape and bombazine, six of cashmere, unlus- tred silks, and grenadines of plain texture ; and afterward black, white, and gray are considered appropriate tints of dress for another half year. The wearing for three months of colorless gar- ments is customary after the decease of grand- parents, aunts, and uncles, but crapes are not usually selected after the loss of these remoter kinspeople. Children wear mourning garments a year when they have lost a father, mother, brother, or sister ; but white and black are so combined in their costumes that the little ones are not too deeply saddened by their attire. (icntlemen's hats carry a depth of weed that is cut according to the nearness of the relative for whose loss it is worn, and, except in case of FUNERAL CUSTOMS, ETC 205 a widower, they continue to dress in mourning garments as long as it is the habit of their households, leaving the period of its use to be regulated entirely by the ladies. A widower should wear deep mourning, which includes gloves, necktie, and weed, with a costume of black or of very dark gray, for at least one year. Scrupulous and formal gentlemen wear black- bordered linen, and jet shirt-studs and buttons, but these persons are not numerous in New York. Satisfactory as it would be to announce that limitations or fixed periods, for the wearing of sombre robes after the loss of our kinspeople, had been decided upon by any social leaders, we have not yet reached that point. The quality of the fabrics which express the utmost sorrow has been the same for many a year, and it is recognized by every lady ; but just how long it is to be worn is undetermined by our authorities in these matters. It is an unquestioned custom for all who attend a funeral to attire themselves in black garments if possible, and certainly not in gay ones, as a mark of respect to the afflicted family. 206 SOCIAL ETIQUETTE. The length of lime to be devoted to seclusion from society after a funeral is another unfixed limit. Indeed, in regard to funerals and their subsequent and consequent appointments, there is no rigid etiquette, and this chapter is written to explain the freedom rather than the formality of these things. Many people entertain consci- entious scruples which prevent the adoption of a mourning garb under any circumstances, and their convictions are respected. They insist that no set of sentiments should be expressed by material things. Hence our chaotic freedom in these matters. Neither visiting nor a general receiving of guests, formally, within a year after the loss of a near relative, is considered in good form, and usually two years are devoted to a more or less severe seclusion from general society. This re- tirement does not lessen the considerate atten- tions of friends. Cards arc sent to express sym- pathy when a death occurs, but only an intimate friendship affords one permission to write a note of condolence. Long, torturing letters of sympa- thy are fortunately among our obsolete customs. FUNERAL CUSTOMS, ETC. 207 Printed or engraved notes, or large cards, heavily bordered with black, sometimes, but very rarely, announce the decease of a member of the family. They usually furnish the place and date of birth, the residence and date of de- cease. Occasionally a brief account of the de- parted, with the place and time of funeral, is also included in this announcement, which is seldom sent to acquaintances until after the burial. This British custom has not as yet gained a foothold in New York. The daily press, of course, announces the death and date of funeral. It is proper to call at the door in person and make kindly inquiries for the household, also to leave visiting-cards with the left side or left lower corner folded over, as soon as a death in one's circle is published ; but it is not etiquette to ask to see the afflicted unless there exists a genuine intimacy between the visitor and the bereaved. THE END.- 14 The Music Series. The Great German Composers. By George T. Ferris. Paper, 30 cents j cloth, 60 cents. BACH. HANDEL. GLUCK. HAYDN. MOZART. BEETHOVEN. SCHUBERT, SCHUMANN, AND FRANZ. CHOPIN. WEBER. MENDELSSOHN. WAGNER. By the same author. The Great Italian and French Composers. Paper, 30 cents ; cloth, 60 cents. PALESTRINA. PICCINI, PAISTELLO, AND CIMAROSA. ROSSINI. DONIZETTI AND BEL- LINI. VERDI. HIS CHERUBINI AND PREDECESSORS. MEHUL, SPONTINL. AND TTIT -jjl yy BOIELDIEU AND AUBER. MEYERBEER. GOUNOD. Great Singers. First Series. cloth, 60 cents. Paper, 30 cents y FAUSTINA BORDONI. FARINELLI. CATARINA GABRIELLL SOPHIE ARNOULD. 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With a Dictionary of Jthymes, an Examination of Classical Measures, and Comments upon l$urlesque, Comic Verse, and Hong -Writing. By the late TOM HOOD. Edited, with Additions, by ARTHUR PENN. !8mo, cloth, extra. Uniform with "The Orthoepist" and "The Verbalist." Price, $1.00. Three whole chapters have been added to the work by the Ameri- can editor — one on the sonnet, one on the rondeau and the ballade^ and a third on other fixed forms of verse; while he has dealt freely with the English author's text, making occasional alterations, fre- quent insertions, and revising the dictionary of rhymes. 41 Its chapters relate to matters of which the vast majority of those who write verses are utterly ignorant, and yet which no poet, bow- ever brilliant, should neglect to learn. Though rules can never teach the art of poetry, they may serve to greatly mitigate the evils of ordi- nary versification. This instructive treatise contains a dictionary of rhymeB, an examination of classical measures, and comments on various forms of verse-writing. We earnestly commend this little book to all those who have thoughts which can not be expressed ex- cept in poetic measures."— New York Observer. "If young writers will only get the book and profit by its instruc- tions, editors throughout the English-speaking world will unite in thanking this author for his considerate labor."— New York Home Journal. "This little book was written by the only son of the famous Thomas Hood. He was one of the editors of London 'Fun.' He in- herited much of his fathers literary vein, now delicate, tender, and fanciful, now satiric, and anon bringing tears with its unutterable pathos. Mr. Hood died in 1874. 11 The scope of the little book before us is well defined in its title- page, quoted above. The author believes that systematic rhyme- making is a strong educational power, that it will teach young people to pronounce correct ly,_etc. The small, quaint volume will be valu- able to verse-makers. The chapters treat of verse generally, of clas- sic versification, of feet and caesura, meter, rhythm and rhyme, of burlesque and comic verse, vers de societe, of song-writing, of the sonnet, rondeau, ballad, and other fixed forms of verse. Finally, most welcome to budding poetical genius, there is a copious diction- ary of rhymes."— Cincinnati Commercial. "Brery woman of culture in the [Jolted states should not only own, but take to her heart this guide to versification, for