Columbia ^^nitirr^itp 
 
 THE LIBRARIES 
 
JOURNALS AND LETTERS 
 
 OF 
 
 THE REV. HENRY MARTYN, B. D. 
 
 lATE FELLOW OF ST. JOHN'S COLLEGE, CAMBRIDGE ', AND CHAPLAIN TO 
 THE HONOURABLE EAST INDIA COMPANY. 
 
 EDITED BY 
 
 THE REV. S. WILBERFORCE, M. A. 
 
 RECTOR OF BRIGHSTONE. 
 
 * NEMO DITIOR EO EST, QUI SCIT SESE ET OMNIA RELINQUERE.' 
 
 THOMAS A KEMPIS. 
 
 IN T^YO VOLUMES. 
 VOL. L 
 
 PUBLISHED BY R. B. SEELEY AND W. BURNSIDE 
 AND SOLD BY L. AND G. SEELEY, 
 FLEET STREET, LONDON. 
 MDCCCXXXVU. 
 
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Pi I 
 
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JOURNALS AND LETTERS. 
 
 131834 
 
PRINTED BY 
 L. AND G. SKEI.KY, THAMES DITTON. SURREY. 
 
INTRODUCTION. 
 
 The following volume consists of further, and often 
 more continuous selections from the journals and letters 
 of Mr. Martyn, than have yet been published. In 
 compressing into one volume the biographical notice 
 of this eminent servant of God, it was necessary to 
 omit a great variety of interesting materials. So full 
 indeed were his journals and letters, that it was not 
 possible to insert nearly all which threw light upon his 
 character and conduct. When, however, the deep inte- 
 rest of the Christian world, in the history of Henry 
 Martyn, had been evidenced by the rapid sale of ten 
 editions of his life, it seemed scarcely right to suppress 
 for ever, all those stores of instruction which remained 
 unemployed. Then it was that the preparation of a 
 volume of the character of that now presented to the 
 reader was first conceived : one w^hich should not in 
 any way interfere with the plan of the admirable w^ork 
 which relates his life : but should contain some of 
 those portions of his letters and journals, which neces- 
 sity had before excluded ; and which throw new interest 
 around those already published, by exhibiting them in 
 their natural connection. One most interesting set of 
 letters, which were deemed unfit for publication during 
 the life-time of her to whom they were addressed, 
 have been set free by her death, and were by her will 
 bequeathed for this purpose, if it should be judged 
 expedient so to use them. It was accordingly the 
 intention of the narrator of Mr. Martyn's life, to have 
 
 B 
 
2 INTRODUCTION. 
 
 published such a volume ; its preparation was prevented 
 by that sudden summons which called him into his 
 master's presence. 
 
 There need not, he trusts, be expressed by the Editor 
 of this volume, any declaration of his deep sense of the 
 comparative unfitness for the task, of him, upon whom 
 its performance has devolved. He will say nothing 
 upon this subject. There are some feelings which are 
 wrought into the very texture of the mind, with too 
 much vividness to bear expression. That the intimate 
 friend of Henry Martyn should become his biographer ; 
 that one whose mind was distinguished by the same 
 refined delicacy, and whose soul was equally penetrated 
 with the same divine grace ; should delineate his por- 
 traiture, was eminently fit: and the execution of the 
 work attests this appropriateness. For it is impossible 
 to separate in the reader's mind, the name of Martyn 
 from that of his biographer ; the author from his sub- 
 ject ; the character he draws from that which he evinces ; 
 in showing another he displays himself; ^ and hence it 
 were almost an unlawful action to attempt to dissever 
 these names, united together in the reverend affection 
 of Christian men's remembrance. From the possibility 
 of such a ■ thought, the Editor of the present volume 
 would revolt, and he desires therefore to give it to 
 the world merely as a supplement to Henry Martyn 's 
 memoir. He has endeavoured in these extracts, to adopt 
 the tone maintained throughout * the Life:' to exhibit 
 the character of their writer, not to compose a eulogy 
 upon him ; he does not therefore necessarily approve 
 of every sentiment contained in these journals, but he 
 retains them in the volume, because they throw light 
 upon the peculiar trials and dispositions of Henry 
 Martyn. With these feelings on his mind, he cannot 
 
 ^ This is no less true of that vohimc, ' the Memoirs of Mr. Thomason,' 
 which was the production of the two last years of his life ; and which is 
 prepared with even more skill and beauty than his first publication. Few 
 inateriah indeed can be equal to those afforded by the Journals of Henrv 
 Martin. 
 
INTRODUCTION. 3 
 
 deem it out of place, to attempt to give here a slight, 
 and therefore it must be, an imperfect sketch, of the 
 character of him whom God has lately taken to himself. 
 The church has ever gathered up with duteous care, the 
 ashes of those who having " fought a good fight, and 
 kept the faith," have finished joyfully their earthly 
 course. She stores up for her children the memory of 
 their example ; and it were not meet that this saint of 
 God should be taken from us, and no record of his 
 faith and love remain. The circumstances of life in 
 which his lot was cast, the sphere of those duties from 
 which he never wandered, were not of a character to 
 supply events or incidents for a continuous narrative. 
 He walked in the low valley where the pastures of God's 
 presence are often the greenest, where the dews of his 
 spirit fall in richest and most fertilizing abundance, 
 and where, if any where upon earth, the notes of purer 
 beings might still be heard to float upon the air, and 
 blend with the praises of the children of men. But in 
 such a course there is little to catch the world's eye, or 
 excite its interest. Although the work in which he is 
 engaged is really the greatest and most enduring in its 
 consequences, of any for which this world is the ap- 
 pointed theatre, yet the name of the Christian minister 
 is not associated with events of earthly magnitude. Still 
 the mere sketch of such a character will be deeply inter- 
 esting to many; and that sacredness which belongs to 
 the closing scene of a Christian's life, when, upon the 
 brink of eternity, he sees what is concealed from us ; 
 when (as he stands upon the heights which overlook the 
 future,) the light of the heavenly world is fast rising on 
 his eyes, — may call for a short account of the last stage 
 of his journey heavenward, 
 
 John Sargent, the eldest son of John Sargent, Esq. 
 of Lavington, in Sussex, and Charlotte his wife, w^as 
 born on the 8th day of October, 1780. He was edu- 
 cated at Eton : and was there remarkable amongst his 
 contemporaries, for uniting a decided superiority in the 
 manly sports of the play-ground, with high classical 
 
 B 2 
 
4 INTRODUCTION. 
 
 attainments. From Eton he removed to King's Col- 
 lege, Cambridge, where, through God's blessing, the 
 Rev. C. Simeon was made the instrument of first leading 
 him to serious views of religion. Under his guidance, 
 and that of the late Rev. Thomas Lloyd, he was gradu- 
 ally nurtured and strengthened in the ways of God. For 
 both of them he preserved, through life, a reverend 
 affection : maintaining with the one an unbroken friend- 
 ship ; and cherishing a grateful veneration for the 
 memory of the other. He quitted Cambridge in the 
 year 1802, and entering at the Temple, set out in that 
 path which appeared to be marked out for him by the 
 providence of God. 
 
 As the heir to the family estate and its future repre- 
 sentative in his native county, it was the desire of those, 
 to whose wishes he deemed it a duty to yield, that he 
 should follow the profession of the law. His own heart 
 longed for a more entire dedication of his powers to the 
 Redeemer's work than was possible in a course of life 
 mainly conversant with earthly things. Yet having 
 judged upon mature reflection that such was at the time 
 his duty, in the true spirit of Christian submission he 
 set himself resolutely to its performance. It was not 
 indeed without many painful struggles that he arrived 
 at this conclusion. 
 
 The bent of his soul towards the sacred profession 
 was peculiarly strong. How far was he bound to listen 
 in it for a "call from God?" How far to submit 
 these holy desires to the wishes of parental authority ? 
 He weighed the apparently conflicting claims of duty, 
 and acted without hesitation upon his matured convic- 
 tion. In a letter written at this time to an intimate 
 friend he thus describes what had been passing in his 
 mind. ' I do not wonder at your wishing that I had 
 chosen decidedly to enter the church. But what could 
 I do ? Could I indeed have been assured that it was 
 God's will that I should serve him as a minister, were 
 it to preach to the wild Indians, nothing should stand in 
 the way. But I thought Mr. Simeon's observation just, 
 
INTRODUCTION. 5 
 
 *' You are certain that you are acting according to your 
 duty in obeying the wishes of your father.'' Whereas 
 I could not say so in the other case. What painful 
 fluctuations of mind I have suffered upon this occasion 
 is not to be described : under pain of body or loss of 
 friends we clearly see that resignation is our duty ; but 
 here I was tossed about for a long tincie without being 
 able to satisfy myself, upon a point of such importance, 
 what was my duty. Yet under this disquietude, I com- 
 mitted my way unto the Lord, and I have not a doubt 
 but that he will be with me, and somehow or other, 
 make me in some little degree instrumental in pro- 
 moting his glory. Indeed you have no idea of what I 
 have felt. No one who has not been in a similar situ- 
 ation can form any notion of it. 
 
 * My decision will, I trust, be approved of by my 
 heavenly Father. My one desire has been, if my heart 
 has not deceived me, to do his will, and to devote 
 myself entirely to his honour and glory. 1 shall be 
 happy wherever I am, if I can assure myself that I am 
 serving him in the way which he ordained me to walk 
 in. Do not forget I beseech you to pray for me, that 
 the love of Jesus may attend me, and his right hand 
 lead me through the perils of the profession I am 
 entering. When I look at the corruption and weak- 
 ness of my own heart I tremble ; when I behold the 
 power and willingness to save all to the uttermost who 
 come to him, which is in Jesus, I rejoice.' 
 
 Worldly business undertaken in this spirit, and con- 
 ducted on these principles, was not likely to endanger 
 the spirituality of his soul. The ungenial atmosphere 
 which hangs over the seats of legal strife and the bust- 
 ling scenes of earthly business could inflict little injury 
 on him who had such a talisman within. The state 
 of mind evinced by his letters at this time justifies a 
 record of this date in the journal of Henry Martyn, 
 * Sargent seems to be outstripping us all.' 
 
 At no very distant period, however, it pleased God, 
 who had thus tried the submissive faith of his servant, 
 
6 INTRODUCTION. 
 
 by calling upon him to give up those desires which 
 were the strongest in his soul, to open to him the path 
 which he longed to tread. The objections of those to 
 whose wishes he thought it a duty to yield, were re- 
 moved by altered circumstances ; he quitted that profes- 
 sion upon which in obedience to their desires he had 
 entered, and prepared himself for undertaking that holy 
 office to which his own inclinations had always been 
 so strongly directed. In the years 1805 and 1806 he 
 was successively ordained deacon and priest. He en- 
 tered upon his ministry with the cure of Graffham in 
 Sussex ; which, with the small contiguous parish of 
 Lavington, formed to the end the scene of his ministe- 
 rial labours. Here with patient perseverance he conti- 
 nued for years "to do the work of an Evangelist," 
 amono;st those whom God had committed to him. His 
 whole heart was given up to that ministry wherewith he 
 had been entrusted. To be made an instrument of 
 usefulness in God's hands — to be " a fellow-worker with 
 God" in promoting the eternal happiness of the souls 
 committed to him, was, through the whole of his life, his 
 single object. And it was this active principle, under 
 the regulation of a w^ell-instructed conscience, which 
 animated him to unwearied exertions in an obscure, and 
 in many respects, unkindly portion of his Lord's vine- 
 yard. There was in his charge nothing which minis- 
 tered to the gratification of earthly motives. His lot 
 was cast amongst the ignorant and unpolished. Amongst 
 those who could not appreciate his classical elegance 
 of mind, or enter into the exquisite sensibility of his 
 affection; they were the "few sheep in the wilder- 
 ness y " but in them he recognized those for whom 
 Christ shed his blood, and for them therefore he w^as 
 content to labour, " to spend and to be spent," and yet 
 neither be faint nor slothful. The spirit which breathes 
 in a letter descriptive of his first entering upon his 
 ministry amongst them was never abated by weariness 
 or disappointment. * I have already, as I told you, en- 
 tered upon my ministerial labours. My parishes are 
 
INTRODUCTION. 7 
 
 small, but I find that a small parish will produce ample 
 occupation for a minister, if he is inclined to seek for it. 
 The generality of my parishioners, from what I have 
 seen and from what I hear from the present curate, are 
 very ignorant of the true foundation on which to 
 build,' &c. 
 
 Nor were there w^anting peculiar ministerial trials in 
 this secluded situation. There was a false spirit of reli- 
 gion prevalent amongst his people, which was through 
 the whole of his ministry a source of continual rebuke 
 and suffering to his godly soul. Antinomian on prin- 
 ciple and in practice, they withstood continually the 
 w^ord of life ; perverted unstable souls, and with all the 
 insolence of spiritual pride, continually wounded his 
 naturally sensitive heart. 
 
 In the letter which has been already quoted as 
 describing his entrance upon the ministry, he gives the 
 following account of this section of his flock. ' Some 
 few are fanatical ; disciples of Huntington. They came 
 to hear me the first time I preached ; w^hether they will 
 continue I cannot say. The preacher amongst them, 
 who makes my shoes, upon being asked his opinion 
 of me, said, " that he thought I should be enabled to 
 declare the truth," that is, he thinks me a promising 
 young man. One of them the other day speaking of 
 
 Mr. , the curate, said, '' he had no particular fault 
 
 to find with the man, but he did not think him quite 
 ** free in the liberty ;" upon my desiring an explanation 
 of that expression, he simplified the assertion by affirm- 
 ing that he was rather *' in bondage," rather ^' under 
 the yoke." They have a jargon and cant of their own, 
 to be ignorant of which, in their estimation, is to be 
 carnally-minded and unregenerate. God alone can 
 enable me to be useful either to these deluded people 
 or tlie other part of my flock. I am sensible that the 
 grace of our Saviour can alone give that singleness of 
 heart and spirituality of mind w^hich characterizes his 
 people at all times. I should wish to be more sensible 
 of my weakness in myself, and of my strength in Jesus.' 
 
8 INTRODUCTION. 
 
 Such was the character of the flock to which the 
 Great Head of the Church confined those labours, for 
 which human wisdom would have selected a very diffe- 
 rent sphere. And such, in its general featm-es, it conti- 
 nued through a period of twenty-five years, which he 
 spent amongst them. He was indeed cheered by wit- 
 nessing amongst his people many individual instances 
 of altered conduct and renewed affections ; he com- 
 mitted the bodies of many to the grave ' in sure and 
 certain hope of the resurrection to eternal life,' and with 
 good grounds for trusting that they would be '* his 
 crown and rejoicing at the appearing of the Lord 
 Jesus Christ." But his discouragements were never 
 intermitted ; the careless sinfulness of some, and the 
 delusive profession of others, w^ere always a burden to 
 his soul — still they were the object of his unwearied 
 sohcitude. The health of different members of his 
 family took him often from home for a season, and led 
 to the exercise of his ministry in more populous and 
 instructed places. In these he was always courted and 
 admired ; and, (which to him was a far sevei'er trial than 
 that applause which is the common food of vanity,) he 
 found in them, kindred minds able to return his w^arm 
 affection, and " esteem him very highly in love for his 
 w^ork's sake." In them, above all, he was not seldom 
 permitted to see the palpable effect of his " work and 
 labour of love." And yet from these more inviting 
 occupations he returned always readily and cheerfully to 
 his own appointed task — neither envying the charge of 
 others, nor slumbering in his own. To know that such 
 a man continued with such effects the unintermitted 
 labours of a holy life, may give encouragement to many 
 who are pressed down with the apparent fruitlessness 
 of their ministerial work. It displays most strikingly 
 the submissive activity which is the true frame for 
 Christian usefulness ; as far apart from slothfulness as 
 from that bustling love of action which will scarcely 
 suffer good to be effected by another's efforts. 
 
 The same sound and sober habit of mind was evinced 
 
INTRODUCTION. 9 
 
 in the whole complexion of his ministerial character. 
 Deep and reverend was his affection for that branch of 
 Christ's church, from which in infancy he had received 
 the sacred mystery of baptism, and with whose holy 
 orders he was now invested. There was a marked diff- 
 erence on this point between his judgment and feelings, 
 and those of some whose ardent piety he most highly 
 esteemed;, and with whom he w^as constantly connected 
 in active efforts for the spread of God's word and 
 kingdom. Never, in this age of various and unbounded 
 religious excitement was he led astray from the path 
 of Christian sobriety. The dazzling light of novelty had 
 no charms for him. In the province of religion the 
 suggestions of the imagination were at once and unhesi- 
 tatingly submitted to the scrutiny of a sober and search- 
 ing judgment ; he was strong in the irresistible strength 
 of a humble simplicity. 
 
 Some extracts from two of his letters upon points 
 which have of late been often agitated amongst Chris- 
 tians, will well illustrate this sober and established judg- 
 ment. The first was in answer to a friend who con- 
 sulted him under some scruples of mind, as to the 
 propriety of subscribing before entering at college, his 
 assent to the Athanasian creed. The second relates to 
 the partial separation proposed in the Bible Society. 
 
 To the first he wTites thus : * I confess that I have 
 never felt all the difficulties that present themselves to 
 the minds of some good and able men. I read in 
 the New Testament that ** he that believeth not shall 
 be damned." Must I not say Amen, to this declaration 
 of my Saviour? There can be no doubt upon that 
 point. But then, what is that belief, the rejection of 
 wdiich is damnation ? Some will say, ' A belief in the 
 existence and unity of God.' Others will add, ' A belief 
 in the existence and mission of Jesus Christ.' Others 
 will proceed further and say, * A belief in that God, in 
 w^hose name those who believe are to be baptized, the 
 Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost.' Now, may I 
 say Amen to the first assertion, and be deemed chari- 
 
10 INTRODUCTION. 
 
 table ? and may I say Amen to the second assertion, 
 and still be deemed charitable ? But when I affix my 
 Amen to the third assertion, am I, who believe the one 
 God to be distinguished by a three-fold personality, 
 expressly revealed, and commanded to be acknow- 
 ledged, — to be exclaimed against as uncharitable and 
 unscriptural ? If any man object to the terms used in 
 the Athanasian creed, let him find better if he can — but 
 if he objects to any terms except such as are to be found 
 expressly in the word of God, let him state how it is 
 possible to devise a form of words, w^hich, as a symbol, 
 shall be sufficiently clear to detect the subtleties of 
 heretics. How could the evasion of those who some 
 time ago seceded from our church, be exposed by more 
 appropriate, or if you will, less objectionable expres- 
 sions ? There is a good remark made by one of the 
 Fathers, whom Milner quotes (his name and precise 
 words I do not at this moment remember) he says, ' the 
 blasphemies of heretics, have reduced us in our ow^n 
 defence to use expressions, which otherwise had not 
 need to be adopted, concerning the mysterious article of 
 the Holy Trinity.' 
 
 ' When it is said, ' He therefore that will be saved, 
 must thus think of the Trinity,' I interpret the word 
 * thuSy^ so as not substantially to differ from these arti- 
 cles ; a person might thus think of the Trinity who 
 objected to the word * proceeding,' and adopted some 
 other to express that relation which the Holy Spirit 
 bears to the Father and the Son.' So also I understand 
 the clause, ' this is the Catholic faith, which except a 
 man believe faithfully he cannot be saved.' A man may 
 believe faithfully, the Catholic faith respecting the 
 Trinity, whilst perhaps he scruples about the use of 
 some particular term. 
 
 ' Lastly, when I affirm my belief that those who reject 
 the Triune Jehovah will perish, of course I mean those 
 who do this deliberately and notwithstanding oppor- 
 tunities. I leave to God Almighty, the application of 
 general threatenings to every particular case.' 
 
INTRODUCTION. 11 
 
 How wisely does he hold the balance between unchar- 
 itable censure of particular errors, and latitudinarian 
 indifference to the cause of truth ! 
 
 On the second subject above mentioned, he writes 
 as follows, August 22, 1831 : 
 
 "^ ^ ^ ^ ' I say to the reformers, either 
 do nothing, or do much more than you propose ; either 
 leave us as a piece of mechanism, a mighty engine to 
 send Bibles to the four quarters of the earth ; or if you 
 will constitute us a devotional body, expel not merely 
 Canaanites and Perizzites, but Hivites, Jebusites, and 
 all the other ites from amongst us.' 
 
 And this sobriety of judgment was seen in his whole 
 system of practical divinity. Whilst on the one hand, 
 the eminent spirituality of his soul kept him at the 
 greatest distance from a formal regard to the externals 
 of religion, he was equally free from a slight or irreve- 
 rend estimation of any of those outward observances 
 which have been appointed or sanctioned as the means 
 of good to Christ's church. Remembering continually 
 that the communion of his own soul with his God, is 
 the especial privilege of the believer in Jesus, he never 
 suffered the individualities of the Christian character so 
 to engross his attention, as to lose sight of his inesti- 
 mable privileges as a member of the church. He did 
 not seek to remove the sheep of Christ from that fold 
 into which He had gathered them, that they might enjoy 
 singly a separate communion with their God. The 
 foundation of this habit of mind was laid in that deep 
 humility which formed so striking a feature in his min- 
 isterial character. There was nothing great which he 
 thought unjustly withheld from him ; there was nothing 
 common which he esteemed beneath his care. The 
 ministrations of those, who in the judgment of others, 
 could not be compared with him, were in his eyes far 
 more valuable than his own. He praised them with 
 that hearty self-depreciating commendation which springs 
 from a soul, to which the pantings of vanity, or the 
 strugglings of envy, are altogether unknown. From true 
 
12 INTRODUCTION. 
 
 Christian charity '' in honour he preferred others." 
 Closely allied with this, was his patience as a minister 
 of Christ. Day after day would he visit the sick-bed 
 of his poorest cottager, and continue in spite of dullness 
 of intellect and coldness of heart, to watch for any 
 opening by which he might win souls to Christ. Year 
 after year, with undiminished energy did he patiently 
 preach to his little flock the glad tidings of salvation— 
 and without ceasing were his prayers poured out to God 
 for them. 
 
 Great too was his ministerial tenderness. His holy 
 condemnation of sin was never mingled with any of 
 the harshness of invective. When compelled to wield 
 the sword of the Spirit for the conviction of sinners, it 
 was * even weeping' that he taught them w^hat it was 
 '* to be the enemies of the cross of Christ. ^^ He could 
 scarcely speak of the concerns of immortal souls without 
 tears ; often have I heard the voice which was telling 
 of the return of some repentant prodigal falter with sup- 
 pressed emotion, and seen the eye which by faith con- 
 templated the realities of eternity, fill w^ith the tear of 
 grateful joy. None ever came to heal the wounds of 
 souls, who possessed a softer touch, a more exquisite 
 sensibility of spirit ; he was the chosen comforter of 
 sorrow, the *' son of consolation" to wounded hearts. 
 Though he always spoke out in condemning sin ; though 
 he dared not hide the holiness of God under a meretri- 
 cious representation of his mercy, yet it was his especial 
 delight to be in his master's hands, the means of gently 
 kindling to a flame the smoking flax, or raising tenderly 
 the bruised reed. Indeed it might have been said, that 
 this was the peculiar feature of his ministerial character, 
 if there had not been another in which all the rest seemed 
 to be merged. The grace of God had wrought in an 
 unusual degree within his soul, that which was the dis- 
 tinguishing character of Herbert's ' Pastor.' ^'Holiness 
 to the Lord" was imprinted upon all his conduct. He 
 could not bear sin ; he viewed it with holy indignation. 
 Its struggles in himself, and its frequent prevalence in 
 
INTRODUCTION. 13 
 
 his people, were the causes of his deepest sorrow. All 
 attempts to make light of its defilement, to lower down 
 the standard of God to the debased conceptions of fallen 
 man, excited within him a vehement indignation, and 
 a holy zeal for God, which might have been deemed 
 by those who witnessed them alone, as almost incom- 
 patible with that deep and abiding tenderness which had 
 been breathed over his soul. It was indeed the union 
 of these two qualities, which distinguished his minis- 
 terial character, which reached the conscience of the 
 careless, which detected the disguises of the false pro- 
 fessor, which comforted the broken-hearted, and en- 
 couraged the believer in new^ and increasing endeavours 
 after conformity with God. The influence of his char- 
 acter extended beyond the limits of his own parish. 
 Many were the brother presbyters whose hands he 
 strengthened, whose hearts he animated, whose know- 
 ledge he increased. It was a sad, though a soothing 
 sight, to witness on the day when the earth closed 
 over his beloved remains, the mournful train of neigh- 
 bouring pastors, who with entire submission to the 
 master of the shepherds, wept over their own loss, saying 
 from the heart, '' Alas, my father ! alas, my brother." 
 
 But let it not be supposed by any to whom he was 
 unknown, that the habitual holiness of his soul was 
 shown in gloom or moroseness. If it were possible 
 to convey to these pages a true representation of what 
 he was in social or domestic life, it would be alone 
 abundantly sufficient to refute for ever such mistaken 
 views of the character of true religion. If it were pos- 
 sible to transfer to the canvas the varied play of intel- 
 lectual elegance, the kindly glow of every generous 
 feeling ; the healthy and vigorous actings of the afl^ec- 
 tions, which were ever present in his domestic circle ; — 
 the picture of rational enjoyment would be complete : 
 and though much cannot be said here upon this sub- 
 ject, yet for the honour of religion it must not be left 
 wholly unnoticed. 
 
 There was then in him a heartiness of affection, 
 
14 INTRODUCTION. 
 
 which ministered to the purest happiness. There was 
 the gaiety of a mind too much refined to he ever 
 boisterous ; too manly to he ever frivolous ; too entirely 
 given up to God to he ever unseasonably mirthful : 
 a perpetual spring of holy guileless gaiety, gladden- 
 ing and purifying the hearts of all those, to whom 
 God in his mercy had given him as a companion in 
 this world of sorrows. The character of his intellect, 
 as well as the dispositions of his mind, tended to pro- 
 duce the same result. He combined a sound and dis- 
 criminating judgment, with great warmth of imagina- 
 tion, and fervency of spirit. His mental constitution 
 seemed to be incapable of receiving the taint of super- 
 stition ; whilst to every word of Revelation he was 
 docile as a child ; his powers had been wisely cultivated, 
 and the refining power of sterling piety had been 
 exerted upon a mind which was deeply and lastingly 
 imbued with the pervading spirit of classical elegance. 
 This was indeed a feature of his mind which deserves 
 especial notice. He belonged to a school of attic elegance, 
 which is declining amongst us — a school of men, who 
 studied the classics, not as a means by which to obtain 
 distinction, nor merely to acquire in the knowledge of 
 another language, a key to fresh mental attainments, but 
 for their own sweetness. These were men whose whole 
 spirit breathed of classical refinement. The bustle of our 
 busy age ; its hard and unpoetical features, seeking in 
 every thing immediate utility, exalting science above lite- 
 rature, and the lower and more productive provinces of 
 science, above that which is more abstruse and intellec- 
 tual, are altogether unfavourable to the production of such 
 characters. That so few of them remain, is one of the 
 worst signs of our literary state. In him this true spirit 
 of a scholar was conspicuous. Such natural powers, 
 so cultivated and so controlled, could not fail to render 
 him a bright ornament of social life. There was too, 
 one remarkable effect of the unusual height of holiness, 
 to which, through God's grace, he had attained. It 
 was the mode in which his mind passed from ordinary 
 
INTRODUCTION. 15 
 
 to sacred subjects. It might be from mingling in the 
 sports and merriment of childhood ; it might be from 
 the excitement of intellectual conversation ; that he was 
 called upon to turn his attention at once to holy things. 
 The transition was effected in a moment. It was natural 
 and reverend ; free from any thing of sternness ; and 
 impressing upon every one the evident truth that his reli- 
 gion was no gloomy system of prohibitions and restraint. 
 God had been honoured in his joy, and if he turned to 
 graver objects, it was but to honour God still in a different 
 method. It was the same wave, when it raised its sunlit 
 crest towards the sky, or sunk again into the calm. 
 The change could not be noted, but in the seriousness 
 which overspread his mind, and in the increased satis- 
 faction with which he turned from the innocent mirth of 
 childhood, to the severer joys of an immortal being. 
 Like most others of quick feelings, his temper was 
 naturally hasty. Every succeeding year brought it under 
 more entire control. By God's grace it was kept 
 entirely free from asperity, while it possessed in a large 
 measure the frank and sparkling quality which was its 
 appropriate charm. The largest liberality was the natural 
 overflow of his generous soul. He had nothing for 
 himself. He seemed scarcely able to comprehend the 
 pleasure of owning any thing unless he could give it 
 to another. This was a frame of mind which insured 
 the happiness of its possessor. 
 
 It must not, however, be supposed that this child of 
 God passed through life^ithout receiving at his Father's 
 hands those *' loving corrections" of which all are 
 , partakers. The same temper which ministered in 
 ordinary seasons to unusual happiness, rendered him 
 also peculiarly alive to the bitterness of the cup of 
 affliction. He knew indeed too well, the hand which 
 smote him, to yield to hopeless or repining sorrow. 
 But while he justified God for all his dealings, the 
 iron entered oftentimes into his soul. ' A pilgrim,' he 
 says in a letter to a friend in 1805, ' will always long 
 most for his journey's end when the inns and road are 
 
16 INTRODUCTION. 
 
 bad and uncomfortable. Besides, even temporal good 
 is miicb endeared to us by a short suspension of it, so 
 that God by his providence, makes us enjoy it more, 
 and at the same time be less rivetted to it. Such a 
 paradox is the Christian life ! Affliction comes not from 
 the dust, but from His hand, who would not send it 
 w^ere it not necessary ; but chastens us in mercy." In 
 this spirit did he always receive the chastening of the 
 Lord. He came out of the furnace evidently refined 
 by its fires. Affliction lent wings to the strong desires 
 of his soul, with which they soared to greater heights 
 of communing wdth God, Some extracts from a letter 
 to a friend, written in November 1829, a time of the 
 deepest sorrow, will suffice to illustrate the workings of 
 his holy soul at such a season. It pleased God to take 
 from him his eldest son — a son endeared to his heart 
 by every peculiarity of character, and every circumstance 
 of education. He had never exchanged a father's care 
 for the instruction of any other teacher ; and between 
 such a pupil and such a preceptor, the task had grown 
 insensibly into a delight. His health, which had been 
 for years the object of watchful solicitude, appeared 
 to be established. He had entered upon life at the 
 university of Cambridge : withstood the strong temp- 
 tations of opening manhood, and the ensnaring seduc- 
 tions of early independence: and had given intimation 
 of no inconsiderable intellectual acquirements : when 
 from watching with delight this course of promise, 
 his parents were called upon Joy a sudden attack of 
 pulmonary disease to see the object of their hope and 
 affection waste upon a bed of sickness ; and at last to 
 yield him up again into the hands of the God who had 
 given him to them for a while. That bed of unseasonable 
 decay was cheered by the calm and holy light of Christian 
 hope ; it was surrounded by hearts deeply wounded, but 
 entirely submissive to the will of God ; and supported 
 therefore by his presence. The spirit which breathes 
 so evidently in the following letter, was the expression 
 of his father's habitual feelings. 
 
INTRODUCTION. 17 
 
 Checkendon, Nov. 4, 1829. 
 * My dear Friend, 
 Your love is sent to one on whom the grave closed 
 last Sunday week. At two o'clock in the morning of 
 the preceding Tuesday, having been carried on Mon- 
 day evening by his mother and myself from his bed 
 to his couch, and his couch to his bed, he was carried 
 by better hands to a better rest than this poor world 
 affords. You may conceive what our grief is : but we 
 are looking unto Jesus, the author and finisher of our 
 faith, not doubting but that he who enabled our be- 
 loved child in the tenderness of youth and feebleness of 
 mortal nature, to hurl the stone into the head of that 
 giant death, who stalked out before him daily for so 
 many weeks, will enable us to deal as faithfully by mur- 
 muring discontent. We trust we can say it is well, it 
 is all right, and good, and merciful, and faithful. Blessed 
 be the Lord, he has not permitted the enemy of my soul 
 to assail it for one moment, that I am aware of, with 
 the thought, ' This is a hard and severe dispensation.' 
 In one sense of course it is unutterably so, and I am 
 conscious of needing it, but experience tells me what 
 this life is, and faith tells me what the other is ; and I 
 know the name of the Lord of heaven and earth, that 
 it is love, and I know that he doeth what he pleaseth in 
 all parts of his dominions, and doth nothing but what 
 is perfect. To alter it for the better is impossible, nay, 
 the very notion is an abomination. " The Lord gave, 
 the Lord hath taken away;" taken away *' from the 
 miseries of this sinful world," taken away to himself, 
 to^' enormous bliss," ^ my dearest child ; shall I not 
 then, in the midst of my sorrow, add, " Blessed be 
 the name of the Lord." Since we were at Torquay, J. 
 have had increasing evidence that my beloved son's 
 heart was right with God. Penitent, dependent on Jesus 
 wholly, devoted to his love. Most plainly did I discover 
 
 ' Milton. 
 
 c 
 
18 INTRODUCTION. 
 
 this in the Isle of Wight, — plainer still when he was at 
 college, a period of so much temptation, a season when 
 his health was so good, that he seemed as likely to live 
 as ourselves. And throughout his illness till his last 
 breath, lean truly affirm, that he taught me more than 
 ever I taught him ; he taught me how to suffer and die. 
 The Lord held him by the right hand, and made the 
 yoke easy and the burden light. He had naturally a 
 great fear of death, but his head was raised above the 
 waves. I said to him, ' You could not have supposed 
 that such strength would be imparted to you.' ' Then 
 praise him for it,' was the reply. I do praise him for 
 it, and trust that you and your's will help us to praise 
 Him who out of weakness maketh strong ; but forget 
 not to pray that we may all have a more holy heart, and 
 live a more holy life, the only substantial proof of real 
 religion.' 
 
 These were not the words of assumed submission. 
 Such was the tone of his prayers, such was the acted 
 language of his life. And to estimate aright the power- 
 ful workings of God's grace, in bringing him to that 
 state of dependent quietness, let it be remembered that 
 his natural affections were pre-eminently warm. I can 
 safely affirm, after a long and most intimate acquaint- 
 ance with him, that I never knew any one in whom 
 they were so strong. There was a depth of tenderness 
 in his soul, ' passing the love of woman,' sublimed into 
 the most elevated tone of manly vigour.^ Yet such he 
 
 ' I may be allowed to introduce here some verses, in which, after 
 some years, he recorded his feelings upon this subject. He had been 
 walking with us upon the shore, within sight of St. Catherine's head, 
 near which he had spent a winter for his son's health. We noticed his 
 unwonted silence, and when we returned home, he committed to paper, 
 and put into my hands the following verses, the fruit of his silent me- 
 ditation on the beach. 
 
 In Catherinam Mont em. 
 Grata rubent aliis cum culmina montis inaurat 
 
 Oceano subiens sol — oriensve mari. 
 Cum stipant laeti comites risumque jocumque, 
 Cretato attuterint gaudia festa die. 
 
INTRODUCTION. . 19 
 
 always was, whenever, as was often the case in the later 
 stages of his journey, the hand of the Lord was heavy 
 upon him. Thus when, in 1831, he lost his aged 
 Father, he wrote in the same strain to one who had 
 addressed him in the language of Christian consolation. 
 
 * My DEAR Friend, 
 
 Many thanks would I offer you for your feeling and 
 Christian note. 
 
 This is a moment when the sympathy and supplica- 
 tions of Christian brethren are indeed valuable. I 
 have suffered, and do suffer acutely. My love to my 
 Father was never small, and of late years it has been 
 called out amazingly. Constant intercourse has 
 done this : but above all, the sight of Christian graces 
 in him, especially that of humility, has increased the 
 warmth of my love. 
 
 I could not therefore behold him on the bed of lan- 
 guishing and death, without having my heart rent. 
 But I look backwards at the mercies shown me in and 
 with him, and I look upwards to the throne of grace, 
 before which he bows with the Redeemed ; and thence 
 I do find supplies of strength to submit meekly to the 
 Lord ; and thence I trust to find that showers of grace 
 and blessing wull descend, to abase and purify one 
 " whose soul cleaveth to the dust," for heaven and its 
 endless blessedness. 
 
 Saxa mihi surgant vix visa adopertaque nimbis! 
 
 Et vespertini littoris unda gemat ! 
 Et spatiar solus mecum vagabundus arena! 
 
 Et natum orbato sit lacrymare patri ! 
 Huic illic quondam licuit sperare salutem : 
 
 Sed nimis heu ! fallax spes et inanis erat. 
 Conquerar abreptum ? questus procul absit ! at ipse 
 
 Qui fleret Jesus, non mihi flere vetat. 
 Quin te lustratum, carissime, sanguine Christi 
 
 Tam cito coelestes loetor inisse domos. 
 Non macies lethumve incumbunt sedibus istis 
 
 Felicique nefas exulat omne loco. 
 Conditus o tecum jaceam ! tecumque resurgens 
 
 Soecula, non iterum te doliturus, agam ! 
 
 C 2 
 
20 INTRODUCTION. 
 
 I feel now like the soldier who has had one on each 
 side of him laid low. O may this lay my pride low, 
 and all my sins. 
 
 May I live as a dying man, unto, and upon the Lord, 
 then death will prove to be life.' 
 
 Very shortly before his own most unexpected sum- 
 mons into the presence of his Master, he was again 
 called upon to endure extreme affliction. His remain- 
 ing son, who had inherited, besides his own peculiar 
 share, the love which had been his brother's portion, 
 was seized with dangerous sickness. His father's 
 anguish was intense. But in his bitterest struggles not a 
 thought but of the holiness and love of his God ever 
 entered into his mind. The dispensation was dark to 
 all who witnessed it. So entirely was the heart which 
 was stricken in accordance with the will of God, that it 
 was a sore trial of faith to believe that it was needed. 
 It was remarked by one who knew him intimately, by 
 one whose deep piety and matured judgment added 
 unusual weight to such an expression, (my late father,) 
 ' I can hardly conceive how the mind of an angel in 
 glory can be more perfectly in accordance with the will 
 of God than his.' For days together did I witness at 
 this time an entire submission to God's severest ap- 
 pointments, which w^ould amply justify such a declara- 
 tion. Little did we then foresee the purpose of these 
 last purifying fires, through which he entered into glory ; 
 but so deep was the impression which the sight made 
 upon me, that I committed to paper at the time a few 
 of the expressions of his resignation during the affliction, 
 and of his thankfulness when it was removed. 
 
 March 30, 1833. — A day of entire hopelessness of 
 his son's recovery ; in the midst of the deepest sorrow 
 — after speaking much of the support which he re- 
 ceived, he added, ' What should I be now, without the 
 gospel ■? ' 
 
 ' I am sure that my heavenly Father would not send 
 me this agony if he did not see it to be needful for me. 
 
INTRODUCTION. 21 
 
 And I believe that I can truly say, I would not thus 
 lift up my finger to remove it, if it be not his will.' 
 
 And again. — When the pressure of his alarm was 
 through God's mercy removed, and his soul was melted 
 in gratitude, ' What an expression (he said one day) is 
 that, " Praise waiteth for thee, O God ! " It is easy to 
 pray to God in trouble, but to praise him, that is the 
 real difficulty. I am sure I desire to praise him.' 
 
 Such was the habit of his soul, when as he said, * I 
 have not the shadow of a doubt that within six weeks 
 we shall have laid that dear boy in yonder church-yard.' 
 Within six weeks the ground was broken up, and the 
 earth received her dead into her keeping until the great 
 day ; but it was the father who was taken, and the child 
 who wept over his grave. For ^' His ways are past finding 
 out." On the 26th of April he had engaged to visit the 
 Isle of Wight. He did not arrive, but we heard that 
 he was detained at home by a slight indisposition. 
 Saturday the 27th. his illness increased. Medical assist- 
 ance was called in. It was supposed to be a relapse of the 
 influenza, and no sort of danger was apprehended. Such 
 was the course of each succeeding day ; there were some 
 distressing symptoms, but none which spoke of imme- 
 diate alarm. On Thursday, May 2, an eminent 
 surgeon, well acquainted with his constitution, was 
 summoned from London, and pronounced him free from 
 any symptoms of immediate danger, yet that very 
 night was the work of death begun ; and on the next 
 morning, peacefully and without a struggle, he resigned 
 his Spirit into the hands of the God who gave it. 
 During the course of his illness it was necessary to 
 administer repeated opiates. In the feverish slumber 
 which resulted from them his mind wandered, until 
 recalled by the voice of another ; and his lips spoke 
 without the exact rein of reason. Yet even then his 
 expressions were of the same holy nature as those which 
 he uttered in more collected moments. From his full soul 
 there poured forth unceasingly the pure streams of a 
 
22 INTRODUCTION. 
 
 renewed Spirit. * I have the greatest fear,' he said, 
 * of saying something in delirium which may dishonour 
 my God. I have heard of some good people who have 
 been permitted to do so, and I have a horror of it.' 
 This was his fear : but so far from its accomplishment, 
 when his reason wandered, his mouth was filled with 
 praises. He was reasoning with sinners, or speaking 
 with unusual clearness and beauty of the deep things of 
 God. When he w^as first laid upon that bed from 
 which he never rose, he said to one near him, * Now 
 from this bed to glory, or else to live more than I have 
 ever lived to the glory of my God.' His humility of 
 soul was strikingly exhibited in the course of this last 
 struggle. * Look at me,' he said to those around 
 him, * look at me, the vilest of sinners, but saved by 
 grace ! Amazing, that I can be saved.' And this was 
 heard to be his continual language — exalting the grace 
 of God which was able to save even him. He thought 
 too at this time of the welfare of those around him. 
 He desired that an especial message might be delivered 
 from him to all his people. * I would have you,' he 
 said, * seek out every drunkard, swearer, and sinner in 
 this place, and warn them of God's wrath against their 
 sins. Tell them that all I have said to them is true. 
 That on a bed of death I more than ever felt its truth — 
 that a death-bed is no place for repentance.' ' Tell,' 
 said he, ' the children of this place from me, to hate sin, 
 to strive against it, and above all things to beware of 
 putting off the time of beginning to serve God.' 
 Throughout the whole of this time his soul appeared 
 to be eminently *' athirst for God." 
 
 ' Wrestle for me,' said he, in broken accents, but with 
 deep earnestness, to a Christian friend who stood by 
 his bed, * Wrestle for me, that I may go hence to glory, 
 or else live more like the saints in glory ; ' and at 
 another time, when speaking of his earnest affection to 
 his family, and his great happiness in them, he added 
 with emphasis, ' but to be holy, to be perfectly holy, 
 how gladly would I leave all of you, to be holy.' Nor 
 
INTRODUCTION. 23 
 
 were there wanting in his case some of those unusual 
 supports with which the Lord at times upholds the 
 goings of his servants when they enter upon the dark 
 valley of the shadow of death. His exceeding self- 
 suspicion, and his habitual sobriety of feeling might 
 not unnaturally have prevented the expression of any 
 lively emotions of assured joy at the apprehension of 
 the near approach of eternity. He had moreover a 
 nervous shrinking from the act of dying, yet it pleased 
 God to pour at this season a flood of heavenly light 
 upon his soul ; he passed the streams well nigh dry-shod. 
 
 * I am safe,' was his rejoicing testimony, * though a 
 miserable sinner — saved by grace, I have not a doubt;' 
 and calling to him one eminently beloved, he said, * You 
 know that I have always had a horror of superstition ; 
 I believe that I inherited it, but I wish to tell you of 
 the extraordinary revelation of himself which it has 
 pleased God to make to my soul ;' and then — * do not 
 misunderstand me, I do not mean by any vision, but 
 by unusual spiritual communion with himself.' The 
 words, * glory, glory,' were heard breaking from his 
 lips as his countenance kindled into holy fervour ; and 
 his lips spoke of * that bright light ' — which, when asked, 
 
 * what light ? ' he explained to be * the bright light of 
 the Sun of Righteousness.' 
 
 No less than four times during the last night which 
 he spent upon earth was he heard repeating to himself 
 in solemn ascriptions of praise to God, " Glory be to 
 the Father, and to the Son, and to the Holy Ghost. 
 Amen." And when, just before the last struggle, one 
 said to him, * the everlasting arms are under you,' 
 he answered with eager joy, * I know they are — I 
 feel them — that is enough.' 
 
 It was * enough' for him. He had been found faith- 
 ful. His Lord, on whom he relied, was able to deliver 
 him ; he forsook not his servant who trusted in him ; 
 but even as he passed through the waters which sepa- 
 rate this world from the next, he put a new song into his 
 mouth, and filled his tongue with the praises of his 
 
24 INTRODUCTION. 
 
 Lord. And now he rests with him. That pure soul 
 has attained the sinless state for which he panted ; he is 
 with that Saviour whom he loved ; he has tried the 
 promise of the Lord, and found his word true: " Be 
 thou faithful unto death, and I will give thee a crown 
 of life." 
 
LETTERS AND JOURNALS 
 
 OF 
 
 HENRY MARTYN. 
 
28 LETTERS. [1803 
 
 arrogance in conversation, and was frequently assaulted 
 by temptations to cowardly desires after the world : but 
 as God never suffered them to be of long continuance, 
 my mind enjoyed considerable peace. 
 
 12 — 19. Reading Lowth on Isaiah — Acts — and 
 abridged Bishop Hopkins' first sermon on Regeneration. 
 
 On the 19th called on , from whom I found that I 
 
 was to go to the East Indies, not as a Missionary, but 
 in some superior capacity ; to be stationed at Calcutta, 
 or possibly at Ceylon. This prospect of this world's 
 happiness gave me rather pain than pleasure, which 
 convinced me that I had before been running away 
 from the world, rather than overcoming it. During the 
 whole course of the day, I was more worldly than for 
 some time past, unsettled and dissatisfied. In conversa- 
 tion therefore, I found great levity, pride, and bitterness. 
 What a sink of corruption is this heart, and yet I can go 
 on from day to day in self-seeking and self-pleasing ! 
 Lord, shew me myself; nothing but " wounds and 
 bruises, and putrifying sores," and teach me to live by 
 faith on Christ my all. 
 
 St, Johns J Jan. 17, 1803. 
 My dear Sargent, 
 
 I find from that you really expect me to fulfil 
 
 a promise I never made. However, as you allow me 
 to send you even a skeleton of a letter, I sit down, 
 resolved to avail myself of the permission, if I find it 
 necessary. * # * # ^ 
 
 * * G — and H — seem to disapprove of my 
 project much ; and on this account I have been rather 
 discouraged of late, though not in any degree con- 
 vinced. It would be more satisfactory to go out with 
 the full approbation of my friends, but it is in vain to 
 attempt to please man. In doubtful cases, we are to 
 use the opinions of others no further than as means of 
 directing our own judgment. My sister has also ob- 
 jected to it, on the score of my deficiency in that deep 
 and solid experience necessary in a missionary. You 
 
1803] LETTERS. - 29 
 
 have taken rooms, I think in the Temple, so that 
 the providence of God seems to have called you irre- 
 vocably to the profession of the law. Though I cannot 
 help regretting that one so well qualified to preach the 
 glad tidings of salvation, should be called off to labour 
 in the business of this world, yet we may be sure, that 
 whatever is undertaken according to his will, will be 
 attended with his blessing. You will, I dare say, find 
 a double degree of watchfulness necessary to preserve a 
 proper state of mind. In the case of those who minister 
 in the sanctuary, temporal and spiritual occupations are 
 one ; corresponding to the necessity of a superior de- 
 gree of holiness in those who are to be examples. But 
 in your case, even a common degree of spirituality 
 cannot be maintained without much attention. Many 
 have found that occasional aspirations after God have 
 been made the channels of the communications of his 
 grace in the midst of worldly business, and have left 
 the mind not disqualified for the employments of heaven. 
 Indeed this seems to be a good criterion of our state. 
 For surely the new-born soul never more truly acts 
 according to its heavenly nature, than when it delights 
 to shake off the clogs of earth, and to leave the world 
 beneath it, and to rise exultingly to God. Though it is 
 hard to be thus minded, yet it is undoubtedly our pri- 
 vilege. But nothing but almighty grace is sufficient 
 for these things, as the coldness we all feel manifests. 
 I have been reading Hopkins's sermons to-day. I would 
 give you my opinion of them — (I could willingly fill the 
 sheet) but the time does not allow me. Therefore, adieu. 
 
 23. Rose with a dead weight upon my mind, found 
 it very difficult to pray at all, and seemed very little 
 the better for it. ^ 
 
 ^ This extract from Mr. Martyn's Journal, with many others of a Hke 
 nature, refer to a strictly private matter, which throughout this, and part 
 of the two succeeding years, proved a continual source of severe 
 affliction, often harassing his conscience, engrossing much of his time, and 
 deeply depressing his spirits. Through the whole continuance of this 
 trial, the increasing spirituality of his mind is remarkably evinced. To 
 
30 JOURNAL. [1803 
 
 24. Tolerably composed in the morning, and was 
 much comforted by the promises of God's support, 
 amidst all the trials of the world. Began Lowth this 
 morning. In my walk out, and during the remainder of 
 the day, the sense of my own weakness and worthlessness 
 called me to watchfulness and dependance upon the 
 grace of Christ. Lost much time at s in the even- 
 ing, by joining in trifling conversation. A little tract 
 on eternity, and some of the Revelations, made a 
 strong impression upon me this evening. Went to bed 
 with a clear view of the infinite necessity of an ardent 
 pursuit of holiness. 
 
 25. Fretful and impatient. Bore the pall at Parry's 
 funeral, but my heart was cold and hard. With B — 
 in the evening, no one but Foster being there. Ought 
 I not to have introduced the subject of religion? How 
 short-lived are right affections ! What madness is it to 
 be slothful in drawing nigh to the Lord. 
 
 31. Had a kind of calmness, but little sweetness in 
 divine things. Mr. Simeon drank tea with me in the 
 evening, but whatever be the reason, I seldom profit by 
 the conversation of others ; particularly the godly. Told 
 me that concerning the trials and temptations attending 
 the Christian life, I might know just as much as about 
 the distances of the planets. Some general notions I 
 might have, but that I really knew nothing about them. 
 This rather humbled me, but instead of blessing the 
 Lord, that in compassion to my weakness, he had warded 
 off the fiery darts of the wicked, I was vexed at finding 
 I was not so forward in religion as my pride suggested. 
 Oh the desperate wickedness of this heart ! and yet the 
 chief part lies concealed from my view. 
 
 Feb. 1. Wasted time in unnecessary sleep. After 
 this I can never cheerfully either pray, or begin my 
 
 give an instance of the way in which he particularly mentions it, he says, 
 May 3, 1804. ' Oh, it is a sorrowful time ! This business, distraction of 
 mind from God through it, anxiety, &c. make me often droop ; but the 
 throne of grace, where Jesus intercedes for sinners, is my only refuge. 
 My desire is to trust God entirely.' And on another occasion he adds, 
 * Oh in what way will the Lord work my deliverance ? ' 
 
1803] JOURNAL. 31 
 
 daily employments. Felt but weak in my desires after 
 God. For want of reading the Scriptures, could not 
 collect my thoughts in my walk. 
 
 2. In a poor and lukewarm state this morning. Re- 
 solved in my walk to send away two of my pupils, 
 as I found my time so much taken up by them of late, 
 instead of being devoted to reading the Scriptures, in 
 which I have done little or nothing. May God enable 
 me to give this redeemed time to him. N. stayed 
 with me a short time in the evening, and discovered to 
 me, by his conversation, my infinite inferiority to him 
 in divine experience, as well as exemplified in himself a 
 truly humble and watchful spirit. Prayed with some 
 little fervour to be like him, and of course to be like 
 the debased Redeemer, whose unparalelled humiliation 
 in Isaiah liii, I had been reading. But was rather 
 gloomy at not finding myself as I wished. 
 
 3. "^ * * Had some strength and fervour in 
 prayer, hoped that 1 should ever after esteem others 
 better than myself. 
 
 4. Had some remains of that humbled spirit, the 
 sweetness of which is satisfying. But at breakfast * the 
 old man ' showed itself in contemptuous expressions 
 toward others. Had something like poverty of spirit in 
 Hall. Read Lowth in the afternoon, till I was quite tired. 
 Endeavoured to think of Job xiv. 14, and to have 
 solemn thoughts of death, but could not find them be- 
 fore my pupil came, to whom I explained justification 
 by faith, as he had ridiculed Methodism. But talk 
 upon what I will, or with whom I will, conversation 
 leaves me ruffled and discomposed. From what does 
 this arise ? From a want of the sense of God's pre- 
 sence when I am with others. 
 
 6. Read the Scriptures, between breakfast and 
 church, in a very wandering and unsettled manner, 
 and in my walk was very weak in desires after God. 
 As I found myself about the middle of the day full 
 of pride and formality, I found some relief in prayer. 
 Sat with H. and D. after dinner, till three, but though 
 
32 JOURNAL. [1803 
 
 silent, was destitute of humility. Read some of S. 
 Pearce's -life, and was much interested by his account of 
 the workings of his mind on the subject of his mission. 
 Saw reason to be thankful, that I had no such tender 
 ties to confine me at home, as he seemed to have ; and 
 to be amazed at myself, in not making it a more fre- 
 quent object of reflection, and yet to praise God for 
 calling me to minister in the glorious work of the 
 conversion of the Gentiles ... I almost dread 
 to set apart any precise time for extraordinary devo- 
 tions, lest it should be all thrown away through the 
 weakness of my mind, which so soon flags in spiritual 
 things. Oh how hard it is to live by faith — and impos- 
 sible to abound in the work of the Lord without love 1 
 Yet love, which makes a heaven below, he has en- 
 couraged us to expect. O that I may learn now my 
 utter helplessness without thee, and so by deep humi- 
 liation be qualified for greater usefulness. 
 
 7. Much fatigued with reading so long to-day without 
 exercise ; yet my spirits not so low as before. In the 
 evening, just as I was going to read a few hymns which 
 I have lately found to be delightful, was interrupted 
 by R. who staid till nine. Rather vexed, but did not 
 shew any chagrin. Our conversation was on mathema- 
 tics, and was ended" only by my hinting at the un- 
 satisfactory nature of human science, which presently 
 put a period to our conversation. Had some dishearten- 
 ing thoughts at night at the prospect of being stripped 
 of every earthly comfort. But who is it that maketh 
 my comforts to be a source of enjoyment ! Cannot the 
 same make cold, and hunger, and nakedness, and peril, 
 to be a train of ministering angels conducting me to 
 glory ? What true wisdom is resignation — yet how 
 does my unbelief revolt against the dictates of reason ! 
 I fee] little desire of preaching the gospel, and have 
 some difficulty in conceiving the pleasure and anxiety 
 expressed by most faithful ministers about their people. 
 I find that in whatever manner the most holy ministers 
 speak of their success, I am very apt to be disgusted 
 
1803] JOURNAL. 33 
 
 at the prominent character of the instrument ; and I 
 record this, that at some future period I may derive 
 advantage from it. O for humihty. Love cannot exist 
 without gratitude — nor gratitude without humihty. 
 Much refreshed with reading the 91st Psalm. 
 
 8. Generally speaking, in a more calm and composed 
 state than for some days before. 
 
 I find that in my most serious moments 1 am, through 
 mere habit, disposed to a cynic flippancy. Not quite 
 pleased with that respect and attention shewn me by 
 my friends. In the afternoon H — came, and we resumed 
 our exercises of reading and prayer, suspended for many 
 weeks. I was by no means particular enough with 
 respect to my own wants or even of our common needs, 
 in my prayer — but was too general in petition, as 
 through want of use I had not the command of my 
 thoughts. Some men coming in after our reading^'was 
 over, I rather lost this little degree of spirituality by 
 unwatchfulness. But upon the whole I have been 
 comparatively happy to day, and find my mind more 
 active and energetic than when I pass the whole day in 
 reading. 
 
 9. Had a more quiet spirit to-day, but not much more 
 of the presence of God, through unbelieving fears in the 
 morning, and distraction by worldly men in the evening. 
 Read Greek Testament. From not seeing any allusion 
 to infernal possessions any where but in the gospels, and 
 also from observing that *' their own children would 
 cast them out,'' terrifying doubts arose about the truth 
 of the whole, but through the mercy of God they were 
 soon dissipated. But I determined to investigate the 
 subject more thoroughly. Sat a little with D. but 
 spiritual things were not uppermost in our conversation 
 or in my thoughts ; an idle curiosity led me in the 
 afternoon to the knowledge of something which I had 
 better not have known. In the evening several men by 
 calling disturbed me — had however some little solemnity 
 afterwards — ^finished 1st book of Samuel, and read 
 Psalms ii. — iv. But, O my soul ! this is poor work ! 
 
 D 
 
34 JOURNAL. [1803 
 
 Condemned myself for not exerting myself in doing 
 good to man by visiting the sick, &c. 
 
 10 . Enjoyed during the course of the morning a sweet 
 solemnity of soul ; but from wandering of thought 
 during the morning walk, I returned with my mind more 
 clouded. Read Matthew xiii. and xiv. and by frequent 
 supplications for grace, was preserved in a good de- 
 gree from that pride and w^orldliness which I have so 
 often found to attend critical study. But in the after- 
 noon this solemn tone of mind degenerated into for- 
 mality and stupidity ; and in the evening at tea with D. 
 my unsteady conversation betrayed me into most exces- 
 sive levity. Was of course little prepared for public 
 worship. Yet during the latter part of it, and the 
 sermon, I felt more serious, and returned home ashamed 
 of myself, and despising that vanity of spirit which so 
 separates me from the blessed God. Oh that I may 
 more deeply mourn over that guilt which I contract 
 daily by so inconsistent a walk. 
 
 11. Rose with a violent cold and cough. Some diffi- 
 culties about Algebra which I thought it my duty to 
 examine for the sake of my pupil, occupied the early 
 part of the morning ; and the 16th chap, of St. Matthew 
 the rest. Spoke to T. about some things which I 
 thought wrong in him ; and though not conscious of 
 using any particular harshness at the time, felt great 
 pain at my having done it without love. Oh why 
 should I take upon myself to be a reprover, with so 
 much to blame even in my outward conduct. Resolved 
 not to reprove any more except I experience at the time 
 a peculiar contrition of spirit, in all cases where I can 
 conscientiously be silent. Was low-spirited after- 
 wards and during dinner, at the sense of contracted 
 
 guilt. Drank wine with . But as usual nothing 
 
 was vsaid that could betray us to be the people of God. 
 Finding my throat sore ; the recollection of sitting in 
 the very room where P. died presented me with the view 
 of death. I passed the greater part of the evening in 
 self-examination and prayer ; and reading the Psalms 
 
1803] JOURNAL. 35 
 
 and Revelations as far as my illness permitted me. 
 Though I could discover no allowed sin, yet my soul was 
 agitated with alternate hopes and fears. The promises 
 were clear — as free, as full as the dying sinner could 
 wish ; yet, alas ! I sought in vain for that sweetness of 
 meditation on death which I ought and wished to feel. 
 Oh ! for a more realizing faith, and the encouragements 
 of hope and love. Oh that I could love indeed. I 
 think I can say that I have no other desire to live, but 
 to live to his glory — but with fear and trembling should 
 I say it, as I have a heart deceitful above all things. Do 
 thou, my Saviour, support me through life and death, 
 and I will fear no evil. 
 
 12. Cold rather worse. Breakfasted with H. and 
 had some right conversation. Read Greek Testament 
 during morning. After dinner H. sat with me till 
 nine, and read first some poetry, then Psalms and 
 Hebrews. Felt some secret fears of death. 
 
 13. Heard Mr. Simeon this morning on ' ' the certainty 
 of the promises," which I found to be rather appropriate 
 to myself. Read some of the historical parts in the after- 
 noon, and was generally composed, though sometimes 
 exceedingly depressed in spirits. 
 
 14. Rather better this morning after taking exer- 
 cise. Dined with Mr. S. and , whose fascinating 
 
 conversation for so long a time led me far from spiritual 
 things. 
 
 1 5 . Found great freedom in prayer this morning, yet 
 when H. breakfasted with me, had no power to set my 
 heart or tongue in tune for heaven. But for grace, this 
 self-dependence would be my ruin. 
 
 16. Rose at half after six with a cold still violent. 
 Was employed the greater part of the morning in 
 sketching out a sermon on 1 Gor. xvi. 22. On prepar- 
 ing to go out, B. called upon me, and our conversation 
 lasted till near dinner time. He thought that by im- 
 moderate seclusion I deadened those fine feelings which 
 we should cultivate, and neglected the active duties 
 of life : that a thorough and universal change of heart 
 
 D 2 
 
36 JOURNAL. [1803 
 
 and life was not necessary to make us Christians, of 
 whom there might be all degrees, as of every thing else, 
 His amazing volubility left me unable to say any thing, 
 yet I kept my temper pretty well, not however without 
 some risings of detestable pride and contempt. Finished 
 the sketch of sermon, and read some Psalms. 
 
 18. The morning was passed in reading Matt. xxvi. 
 I enjoyed happy thoughts of God. As my walk was 
 much in the town, I suffered a little distraction ; but 
 still thought myself strong. " He thattrusteth his own 
 
 heart is a fool." S. and , came to me, and I 
 
 found myself sarcastic and destitute of all Christian 
 conversation, though without any particular sensation 
 of pride and bitterness in my heart. But my self-ignorance 
 is truly deplorable. How utterly forgetful have I been 
 this day of the need of Christ's grace, of my own vileness 
 and poverty. Let me then remember, that all apparent 
 joy in God without humility, is a mere delusion of Satan. 
 
 19. — drank tea with me in the evening, and for 
 fear of my besetting sins, I set a bridle on my tongue. 
 — with his trifling conversation, prolonged to a late 
 hour, left me dissatisfied. 
 
 20. Had, generally speaking, a full conviction of the 
 supreme excellence of religion ; of its being the one 
 thing needful to my happiness ; of the reasonableness 
 of an entire devotedness to God ; yet through levity 
 and sloth, failed in deepening that acquaintance with the 
 things of God, which has of late been very superficial. 
 
 23. =^ ^ ^ ^ Though I felt satisfied 
 in conscience that I had done, and meant to do my duty 
 in this business, yet the awfulness of the occasion 
 seemed to call upon me to make this day (Ash Wed- 
 nesday) a fast. But I was, during all the morning, 
 rather about to meditate than meditating ; and about 
 three o'clock, finding myself extremely weak and faint, 
 and little able to think of divine things, I dined in 
 hall — but during dinner and afterwards, could not help 
 despising myself for this want of self-denial. 
 
 27. Received the sacrament without distraction, but 
 
1803] JOURNAL. 37 
 
 with little ardour. . . . Had a most violent headache in the 
 evening ; could do little more than commend myself to 
 the mercy of God, as I was totally disqualified for 
 reading and prayer. 
 
 March 1 — 4. Much employed in my various studies, 
 which are rather too severe for my health. 
 
 5 — 13. Much harassed with evil tempers, levity, and 
 distraction of mind, all arising from want of sufficient 
 reading of the scriptures. Alas ! I hardly ever meditate 
 upon them, but only read without having my thoughts 
 intently fixed. 
 
 14 — 27. In general dejected, though not so much 
 from a sense of God's displeasure, as from the sight 
 of my own sinfulness, which eminently discovered itself, 
 now I had so little power over my besetting sins, by 
 discontent and want of love to man. The lectures in 
 chemistry and anatomy I was much engaged with, 
 without receiving much instruction. A violent cold 
 and cough led me to prepare myself for an inquiry 
 into my views of death. I was enabled to rest com- 
 posed on the Rock of Ages. Oh what mercy shewn to 
 the chief of sinners. 
 
 April 2. Dined with Mr. Simeon, and met Mr. Atkin- 
 son of Leeds, with whose company 1 was exceedingly 
 delighted. The conversation was truly such as became 
 the children of God. The good old Mr. A. took occa- 
 sion to address himself particularly to me, as I was in 
 the outset, not to be discouraged, and told me I might 
 profit by the experience of others, and avoid many of 
 their difficulties by depending entirely on Christ. His 
 remarks on " Jerusalem, Jerusalem, who killest," &c. 
 affected me much. The tender pity of our Lord towards 
 Jerusalem, even when he mentioned so many causes of 
 indignation, was pressed to my mind strongly as an 
 example. At tea, when Mr. Simeon talked of divine 
 love, I thought I knew there was such a thing as commu- 
 nion of saints. I left them with great desires after the 
 spirit of Christ, and after the privileges attending com- 
 munion with God. 
 
38 JOURNAL. [1803 
 
 12. Found that the omission of my journal has been 
 attended with bad effects. For the last week I have had 
 great want of spirituality, — carelessness, levity, and 
 vanity of mind. It is a mercy that God, instead 
 of giving me up to a reprobate mind, convinces me 
 of the dreadful corruption of my lieart. Last night I 
 could not but tremble at the review of the thoughts 
 that had successively passed through my mind in the 
 course of the day, which could not have been there if I 
 had been diligent to walk with God. My present 
 ground of complaint is my extreme ignorance of God 
 and myself. His service, if any self-denial is required, 
 is often a burden to me ; and every consideration I can 
 propose to myself, every prayer for a willing heart, are 
 often ineffectual to make me love to do his will. 
 
 15. Was able to believe God's word to my own 
 comfort, more than for some days past. Blessed be his 
 name for not forsaking me entirely. 
 
 18. Read the Universal History with reference to the 
 Bachelor's prize. Called on Mr. Simeon, who advised 
 me to desist from my purpose of writing the essay. 
 Felt pleased afterwards at the thought of having nothing 
 to disturb me from sacred studies, and in the views of 
 having greater spirituality of mind preparatory to the 
 ministry. Learnt from Mr. Simeon that my views of 
 ** Almost thou persuadest me to be a Christian," were 
 wrong, so that all my trouble is lost. 
 
 22. Was ashamed to confess to — that I was to 
 be Mr. Simeon's curate, a despicable fear of man from 
 which I vainly thought myself free. He, however, asked 
 me if I was not to be, and so I was obliged to tell him. 
 Jer. i. 17. 
 
 25. Rode to Lynn. Mr. Simeon went to prayer in 
 the evening. My head ached extremely from the ride. 
 This added to my having no intercourse with God, or 
 reading, made me unfit for devotion at night. 
 
 May 1 . Walked with — an hour in the morning, 
 and was glad to find some points in which we did agree, 
 as it is so seldom we meet without disputing. At 
 
1803] JOURNAL. 39 
 
 church feh nothing so much as a want of seriousness. 
 Walked with — till dinner, and talked for talking's 
 sake, for my head was I do not know where. Then went 
 to St. Mary's, then walked with — ; this continued 
 employment with others on the Sahhath, fretted me 
 exceedingly ; yet when in solitude afterwards, I could 
 neither pray nor read with earnestness ; butlabom'ed the 
 whole day under a careless indifference about all things 
 equally. 
 
 6. Walked to Shelford. Unsettled in mind, and 
 unhumbled in spirit most of the day. In the evening 
 Mr. Thomason had a service which led me to think as 
 I was returning home, how very superficial my expe- 
 rience had been : so much so, that I should be at a loss 
 to describe the real state of my soul. After my prayers, 
 my mind seems touched with humility and love, but 
 the impressions decay so soon. Resolved for the future 
 to use more watchfulness, and reading, and prayer. 
 
 7. Experienced some sweetness in prayer this morn- 
 ing, as I often do. breakfasted with me, but I 
 
 soon forgot the grounds I had seen for humiliation but 
 just before. Was harassed with contemptuous thoughts 
 of the ministry, but prayed that the character in Timo- 
 thy might be mine. In my morning walk felt miser- 
 able through the pride and unbelief of my heart. Yet 
 before I had finished, perceived the reasonableness of 
 meeting with people to converse about their spiritual 
 state, from the similar process used to form a physician, 
 who is not content to look at his own body only, but 
 repairs to an hospital, and marks the different cases, 
 and enquires of the patients themselves. 
 
 8. Expressed myself contemptuously of , who 
 
 preached at St. Mary's. Such manifestations of arro- 
 gance, which embody as it were my inward pride, wound 
 my spirit inexpressibly, not to contrition, but to a 
 sullen sense of guilt. Read second Epistle to Timothy. 
 L prayed with some earnestness. 
 
 9 — 14. Some days in this w^eek my faith has been 
 strong. I have rejoiced to go forth and to brave the 
 
40 JOURNAL. [1803 
 
 world. It was accompanied with more simplicity of 
 heart than I usually feel. On Saturday felt g^eat fear 
 of man, and yet was determined to let slip no proper 
 occasion of speaking out. Was quite fatigued with 
 
 being so long with . On expressing my dislike 
 
 of such company, to W. he suggested that it might 
 perhaps arise rather from feeling than principle, and 
 this witness is true, for though I could perceive them to 
 be in the gall of bitterness, I felt little of pity. 
 
 15. In the first half of this day, was neither dead 
 nor lively. After reading some of the historical parts 
 of the Old Testament, I w^alked in the fields, and 
 endeavoured to consider my ways, and to lift up my 
 heart to God. Though it availed but little, the effect 
 afterwards was good, for I found myself more serious 
 and watchful during the remainder of the day, parti- 
 cularly amongst the snares that beset me at Trinity 
 church . 
 
 29. Received the sacrament. I fear I do not 
 understand the nature of it, as I never receive benefit 
 from it. Great vanity and all sinful tempers ruled in 
 my heart, but the Lord helped me to humble myself 
 before him in the evening, and I felt strong desires 
 that my corrupt affections might be mortified. 
 
 31. Had some disquieting doubts why I should not 
 speak to every one I knew and met about their souls. 
 From repeated experience I know that this arises from 
 an unwillingness to take up my cross ; for at those rare 
 seasons when I have any love to Christ, no difficulties 
 lie then in the way. 
 
 June 5. From reading some of Law's Serious Call, 
 perceived the vanity and meanness of the thoughts of 
 the carnal heart ; and longed to live far beyond the 
 world, and in the general course of this sabbath was 
 more free from those vain and self-esteeming thoughts 
 which keep me very low in the divine life. 
 
 6. Rose at half after five, according to the impulse 
 I received from reading Law. Breakfasted with F — , 
 and spoke in praise of humility, but was not humble. 
 
1803] JOURNAL. 41 
 
 Was grieved that I had not been faithful to God at 
 dinner time, when the conversation seemed to call upon 
 me to speak out. Endeavoured to convince — of the 
 impropriety of reading newspapers on Sundays, but all 
 in vain. 
 
 11. This day I would with thankfulness number 
 among my dies fasti. From having risen rather later 
 than usual, I felt rather humbled at the remem- 
 brance of mis-spent hours ; and while this frame of mind 
 continued, all the powers of my soul were perceptibly 
 rectified. The last three chapters of St. John w^ere 
 peculiarly sw^eet, and I longed to love. 
 
 12. Rose in heaviness through sinful thoughts seiz- 
 ing me at time of w^aking, and continued so during 
 the day through manifold temptations. After St. 
 Mary's in the afternoon, walked w^ith — and w^as 
 exceedingly irritated and hurried by conversation with 
 him about religion. The wrath of man w^orketh not 
 the righteousness of God. I felt grieved in my ow^n 
 mind, and troubled from the opposition of men, and I 
 said. Oh that I had wings like a dove ! for then would 
 I flee away and be at rest. So then w^ould I wander 
 afar off, and remain in the wilderness. 
 
 13 — 24. Passed in tolerable comfort upon the whole ; 
 though I could on no day say my walk had been close 
 with God. Read Sir G. Staunton's Embassy to China, 
 and was convinced of the propriety of being sent thither. 
 But I have still the spirit of w^orldly men w^hen I read 
 worldly books. I felt more curiosity about the man- 
 ners of this people than love and pity towards their 
 souls. Wrote some letters to Christian friends and 
 received some. Sargent w^arns me to self-examination. 
 His lively devotion in the midst of such snares may 
 well shame me. May the Lord make him to be an 
 example to us all. 
 
 25. I experience a want of variety in prayer, and am 
 unable to pray with my w^hole heart and soul ; as I ob- 
 served in the morning. Lost the morning in endea- 
 vouring to construct some paper figures on dialling. 
 
42 JOURNAL. [1803 
 
 Attacked with strong temptations in my walk, but through 
 grace overcame them, although with pain, by recalling to 
 mind the promises in the three first chapters of Revela- 
 tion, " to him that overcometh," &c. Thought besides, 
 has God commanded me to use self-denial merely to 
 give me pain, and not rather to perfect my happiness? 
 The particular promises, " him that overcom.eth will I 
 make a pillar in the temple of my God, and he shall 
 go no more out," &c. dwelt a long time afterwards on 
 my mind, and diffused an affectionate reverence of 
 God. Was seized with excessive hilarity in company 
 with H — in the afternoon, which rendered me unfit 
 for serious conversation, though H — seemed inclined to 
 it. This is frequently the case, especially after severe 
 study either of temporal or spiritual kind. It seems 
 merely animal, for I would gladly exchange it for sym- 
 pathy, so that my heart might be tender and pathetic 
 without the pain of grief. Walked to the hawthorn 
 hedge, and on my way felt the force of Baxter's observa- 
 tion, in his directions for solemnity in the work of 
 meditation, — that if an angel had appointed to meet me, 
 how full of awe I should be, — how much more then 
 when I was about to meet God As this was my first 
 set attempt for a long time, I found it necessary to 
 know the state of my own heart, in which 1 could find 
 no wilful neglect, but most lamentable ignorance and 
 pride. I commended myself to his mercy, and prayed 
 for the guidance of the Spirit of Christ, but expe- 
 rienced no true joy. I devoted myself to him solemnly, 
 and trust that when tempted to sin I shall remember 
 this walk. 
 
 26. A nervous headache prevented me reading this 
 morning. Walked in the garden, but found it difficult 
 to raise my heart to God. Learnt by heart St. Paul's 
 discourse. Acts xx. and Epistle to the Philippians, as 
 this did not require my fixing my eyes on a book. D. 
 walked with me to Trinity Church, and with him I 
 found myself more meek and serious than I have been 
 for many Sundays. 
 
1803] LETTER. 43 
 
 St. John's, June 30, 1803. 
 Dear Sargent, 
 
 "•^ "^ ^ I feel ashamed that you express any 
 
 satisfaction in corresponding with me. God only 
 knows how poor and shallow T am ; and if any good 
 should ever arise to you by my means, it must be ascribed 
 to his wisdom, who can use the meanest instruments to 
 effect his purposes. What shall I say to him forgiving 
 me such a friend as you are likely to prove. One who 
 fears not to give offence by speaking the truth, and who 
 would seek to improve the Spirit, rather than please 
 the flesh # ^ # # # May you, 
 
 as long as you shall give me your acquaintance, direct 
 me to the casting down of all high imaginations. 
 Possibly it may be a cross to you to tell me or any one 
 of his faults. But should I be at last a cast- away, or 
 at least dishonour Christ through some sin, which for 
 want of faithful admonition remained unmortified, how 
 bitter would be your reflections ! I conjure you there- 
 fore, my dear friend, as you value the good of the souls 
 to whom I am to preach, and my own eternal interests, 
 that you tell me what you think to be, in my life, spirit, 
 or temper, not according to the will of God my Saviour. 
 You profess your need of humiliation. I wish my own 
 experience could assist you in this the most important 
 part of our sanctification. In examining myself accord- 
 ing to your advice, on this head it seems (for the work 
 of inquiry is so exceedingly difficult that I can hardly 
 say with certainty what I have known, or whether I 
 have known any thing on this subject) that I seek my 
 humility rather from views of God's greatness and the 
 example of Christ, than of my own corruption. Now, 
 though the former views may assist in producing the 
 effect, yet the impressions arising from them are neces- 
 sarily transient, whereas that humility which arises from 
 just views of ourselves may be as abiding as our own 
 consciousness, and be brought into exercise by every 
 
44 LETTERS. [1803 
 
 thing we do, or speak, or think. It has greatly dis- 
 tressed me to think how slow my heart is to yield to 
 the convictions of reason ; how unable to mourn when 
 I should be lying low in the dust. On reading the 
 words of our Lord to the lukewarm Laodiceans, the 
 form of the words is very striking and comforting. 
 *^ Because thou knowest not that thou art wretched, 
 &c, I counsel thee to buy of me eye-salve that thou 
 mayest see," so that there is provision made for those 
 whom of all others God holds most in abhorrence ; the 
 blind, (to their sins,) the hard-hearted, and the proud. 
 Were it not so, what would become of me ? Happily 
 for us," the covenant is ordered in all things and sure ;" 
 and it is not left to our own wisdom, but to that ado^ 
 rable agent, the Spirit of God, to perform that good 
 work which he hath begun in us. May we be both 
 conformed to the bright image of the dear Redeemer, 
 especially in meekness and lowliness of heart. I feel 
 for you, lest by a fatal comparison with those around 
 you, you should be induced to lower the standard of 
 Christian morality in your own practice. This is a 
 temptation to which I am prone even here. But let 
 us remember, that God judgeth according to every 
 man's work, and not relatively. He marks his secret 
 walk, and his view of him is precisely the same, what- 
 ever be the change of the opinions of the man gf 
 himself, or of others concerning him. Let us then 
 walk in the Spirit — # # # # # 
 
 D. has heard about a religious young man of seven- 
 teen, who wants to come to College, but has only £20. 
 a year. He is very clever, and from the perusal of some 
 poems which he has published, I am much interested 
 about him. His name is H. K. White. 
 
 ^ ^ ^ We remembered our friend Sar- 
 
 gent at our prayer at Mr. Simeon's room on Thursday 
 evening. Pray that I may have true piety and fitness 
 for my work. 
 
 Your's ever, 
 
 Henry Martyn. 
 
3 803] JOURNAL. 45 
 
 July 10. Great ignorance of my own heart, pride, 
 censoriousness, and discontent have beset me for some 
 time. A letter from Sargent recommending diligent self- 
 examination, taught me how little I had been used to 
 look within, and I was somewhat humbled at not know- 
 ing how to describe my own state. I was much dejected 
 at finding myself so low in Christianity, which suffi- 
 ciently showed the truth of what had been said. 
 Resolved, however, this week, to be earnest and searching 
 in examining myself, and to be lying low in the dust 
 before God. I ought to have my heart impressed with a 
 sense of my weakness, misery, and sin. Read Law on the 
 subject, and Adams ; — was employed in reading Butler's 
 Analogy, Romans in Greek, and 2 Chronicles. 
 
 On 10th, Mr. Simeon preached on Psalm cxxxix, two 
 last verses. *' Search me, O God, and try my heart," &c. 
 How^ applicable to my own case ! I have little pleasure 
 lately in divine things, owing to my fears, lest my 
 religion should become superficial again. 
 
 14. Endeavoured for some days past to seek the 
 increase of humility, not entirely without success, though 
 very small. 
 
 17. Rose at half-past five, and walked a little before 
 chapel in a happy frame of mind ; but the sunshine was 
 presently overcast by my carelessly neglecting to speak 
 for the good of two men, when 1 had an opportunity. 
 The pain was moreover increased by the prospect of the 
 incessant watchfulness for opportunities I should use ; 
 nevertheless resolved that I would do so through grace. 
 The dreadful act of disobeying God, and the baseness 
 of being unwilling to incur the contempt of men, for 
 the sake of the Lord Jesus, w^ho had done so much for 
 me, and the cruelty of not longing to save souls, were 
 the considerations that pressed on my mind. 
 
 18 — 30. Gained no ground in all this tim.e ; stayed 
 a few days at Shelford, but was much distracted and 
 unsettled for want of solitude. Felt the passion of envy 
 rankle in my bosom on a certain occasion. Seldom 
 enjoyed peace, but was much under the power of cor- 
 
46 JOURNAL. [1803 
 
 ruption. Read Butler's Analogy ; Jon. Edwards on the 
 Affections ; in great hopes that this book will be of 
 essential use to me. 
 
 31. Was not diligent in improving the time between 
 chapel, nor serious in reading and prayer. # # # 
 Was so relaxed in the afternoon, as to be incapable of 
 any exertion of body or mind. It then appeared to me, 
 that if I could not read, that was the time for visiting, 
 but I sought to find some excuse for not going. Oh, 
 the dreadful consequence of not obeying conscience. 
 After some consideration, however, I determined to do 
 the will of God without shrinking from the self-denial. 
 Wrote to recreate myself, and then it was chapel-time. 
 
 Afterwards meant to go to visit but I suffered a 
 
 trifling consideration to keep me away. Oh my soul, 
 compare thyself with St. Paul, and with the example and 
 precepts of the Lord Jesus Christ. Was it not his meat 
 and drink to do the will of his heavenly Father ? At 
 night a terrible thunderstorm came on. Instead of en- 
 joying the solemn scene in sweet security, my heart was 
 conscious of not having walked with God, and gloomy 
 fear prevailed. 
 
 Aug, 1. Under great darkness and discontent, 
 which continued through great part of the day, as 
 I had no opportunity of reading. In the evening 
 found some degree of peace in returning to the Lord. 
 But all the graces of the Spirit are very low. Im- 
 perfect views of Christ. No realizing of heaven or 
 eternal things, no happy walk with God. Visited Mrs. 
 S. in the evening, and talked with her and her hus- 
 band about religion, and went to prayer, but was 
 ashamed to think I had prayed so hypocritically in 
 the name of another, as it were without being myself 
 benefited. 
 
 26. Time taken up from half-past ten till two, in 
 drilling the fellows and pupils. In the afternoon, 
 remembered in prayer the reasons I had yesterday seen 
 for activity in the work of the ministry, so far as it 
 belonged to me. But though one's reason cannot but 
 
[1803 JOURNAL. 47 
 
 see how good it must be to be employed about that 
 church which He hath purchased with his own blood, 
 yet how^ perverse is the will. It appeared to-day, when 
 it was even in a better frame than commonly, to be 
 very far removed from that pleasure and cheerfulness 
 with which the children of God do their works of love. 
 No, instead of having my will swallow^ed up in God's, 
 instead of hearkening to the voice of his word, instead 
 of placing the happiness and joy of my soul in a con- 
 stant imitating of the Lord Jesus Christ, in going about 
 doing good, it is my will rather to sit dow^n, to please 
 myself with reading, and let the world perish. I see a 
 great work before me now, namely, the subduing and 
 mortifying of my perverted will. What am I that I 
 should dare to do my own will, even if I were not a 
 sinner, but now how plain, how reasonable to have the 
 love of Christ constraining me to be his faithful, willing 
 servant, cheerfully taking up the cross that he shall 
 appoint me. 
 
 30. Called twice on — to-day, but he was 
 asleep. Passed this rainy morning in reading Hebrew, 
 abridging Hopkins, and Epistle to Philippians in Greek 
 Testament. Walked in Trinity Cloisters, was greatly 
 distressed and miserable at not having spoken to an 
 old man with whom I might have conversed, and again 
 for not joining some gow^nsmen to w^hom I might 
 have done good, and for having attempted to begin 
 a religious conversation wdth — in a most unreason- 
 able and uncharitable manner. My conscience was pain- 
 fully wounded as if by unfaithfulness to God, and my 
 spirits depressed at the prospect of being much with men 
 and having to speak to them in spite of their contempt 
 and hatred. Nevertheless resolved to do the will of 
 God, whatever it might be. 
 
 Sept. 4. (Sunday.) Felt more affection and freedom 
 in prayer this morning, and read the Scriptures with 
 satisfaction, but somehow or other after the walk, got 
 
 wrong. Dined at but none of us were in tune. 
 
 Heard — in the evening with great satisfaction. Returned 
 
48 JOURNAL. [1803 
 
 home wearied with religious language, and found that 
 not even prayer was profitable, without having my mind 
 stocked with ideas, and impressed with awful thoughts 
 of God. Went to church again at seven, and heard 
 — on " Simon, Son of Jonas, lovest thou me?" The 
 having the Saviour uppermost in my thoughts, and 
 speaking of him with delight and love, would be a severe 
 criterion to me. Oh, what a hard ungrateful heart 
 must I have, to requite the tender love of Christ in 
 the way I do. 
 
 5. Rather hurried, from the variety of persons I had 
 been w^ith, but had a sv»^eet supporting sense of God's 
 presence in the evening, when I walked by moonlight. 
 
 6. Employed in Hebrew; abridged Hopkins and 
 Greek Testament. 
 
 7. Under great anxiety all the morning, in the 
 prospect of the service I had promised to do in the 
 evening. After praying at noon, found myself some- 
 what more disposed to labour for the good of the souls 
 of others, though the clouds of sin which hide from 
 my view the excellences of active godliness gathered 
 again, and the pain and trouble of a perverse and 
 slothful heart. I want greater deadness to the world, 
 for I believe that my aversion to officiate in public, and 
 at social meetings, arises more from a concern about the 
 opinion of men, than from the actual trouble of it. A 
 want of self-recollection on those occasions which has 
 led me to speak in prayer without thinking, makes me 
 also shrink from it. 
 
 Prayed with more satisfaction than usual, great tran- 
 quillity of mind in the evening. No change to be 
 observed in M. though I call upon him every day. 
 
 9. Walked to L — alone. My mind was cheerful 
 and composed on the road at first, but found an 
 emptiness of thought afterwards, for want of reading. 
 Endeavoured to fix my thoughts on the subject, of the 
 use of imagination in religion. Was rather dispirited 
 through fear of growing cold, as I advanced in life 
 through the decay of this inventive faculty. But I 
 
1803] JOURNAL. 49 
 
 could not so much as define imagination. I fear my 
 mind is in a very uncultivated state as it respects com- 
 position and exertion of thought, but I have not yet seen 
 it my duty to alter the nature of my present studies. 
 I chiefly want more deadness to the world, and indiffe- 
 rence to the opinions of men. 
 
 10. Was most deeply affected with reading the 
 account of the apostacy of Lewis and Broomhall, in the 
 transactions of the Missionary Society. When I first 
 came to the account of the awful death of the former, 
 I cannot describe the sense I had of the reality of 
 religion, — that there is a God who testifies his hatred 
 of sin ; " my flesh trembled for fear of his judgments." 
 Afterwards coming to the account of BroomhalFs 
 sudden turn to Deism, I could not help even bursting 
 into tears of anxiety and terror at my own extreme 
 danger ; because I have often thought, that if I ever 
 should make shipwreck, it would be on the rocks of 
 sensuality or infidelity. The hollowness of Broom- 
 halFs arguments was so apparent, that I could only 
 attribute his fall to the neglect of inquiring after the 
 rational foundation of his faith. 
 
 At night, on reviewing the business of the day, the 
 subjects I had been reading fixed my sole attention. I 
 asked myself the grounds of my faith, and why my 
 experience w^as not, according to Broomhall's conceit, 
 all a delusion. Previous to all revelation, he had con- 
 vinced himself that the soul was mortal in this way. 
 The soul exists, and is therefore extended, therefore 
 material, therefore dissoluble. But by this mode of 
 reasoning, he would prove that God was mortal. Hence 
 by proving too much, he proves nothing. But inde- 
 pendently of this, there are links wanting in every part 
 of the chain. What is meant by extension ? We do 
 not know ; it is something we perceive to belong to 
 matter. But it cannot be hence concluded, that because 
 a thing exists, it is therefore extended, unless it be 
 shewn that nothing exists but matter. But this cannot 
 be proved w^ithout arguing in a circle. Again, if it 
 
 E 
 
50 JOURNAL. [180 
 
 
 appeared that the soul were dissoluble, it would not 
 contradict that opinion of the soul's immortality which 
 we hold, namely, that it is immortal, not extrinsically, 
 which no being is but the self-existent one, but only by 
 the continued preservation of its Creator. His argu- 
 ment therefore in no w^ay proves that the soul will die. 
 Neither will the gradual advance or decline of reason in 
 the early and later stages of life, nor the child's likeness 
 in tem.per to the parents, shew it to be probable. Because 
 w^ere it so, no instance ought to occur, wherein a mortal 
 disease did not affect the powers of the mind. Whereas 
 many miglit occur, as Butler says, w^herein persons, the 
 moment before death, appear to be in the highest vigour 
 of life. They discover reason, apprehension, memory, all 
 entire, with the utmost force of affection ; also the 
 sense of shame, and honour, even to the last gasp. 
 The child's likeness in disposition to his parents, 
 may be accounted for, either on the hypothesis of the 
 child's soul being produced by natural generation, or on 
 the hypothesis that his body being similar to their's, and 
 bodies affecting the mind, his mind resembles their's. 
 Till this second hypothesis can be shew^n to be of no 
 weight, or of less weight than the former, no probable 
 argument can be founded on the former. But the first 
 chapter of Butler's Analogy is a complete answer to all 
 attempted proofs of the materiality and mortality of the 
 soul. Still it seems that reason cannot discover the 
 certainty of the immortality of the soul. If any could 
 have attained to a determinate conclusion on this point, 
 one w^ould suppose the ancient philosophers would have 
 done it. But the Stoics and Epicureans denied it. Plato 
 w^as the first that supported the doctrine. What his 
 arguments are, I do not know. If they be founded on 
 his hypothesis, that the soul is an immaterial emanation 
 iVom the Deity, or soul of the world, they must be 
 unsound. As far as I am able to suspend for a wdiile 
 my belief in my present notions, I should suppose that 
 that which thinks in me was immaterial, or something 
 essentially different from matter ; for supposing it to 
 
1803] JOURNAL. 51 
 
 possess all the other properties of matter, it certainly has 
 no inertia, for it needs no external agent to set it in 
 motion. But concerning the immortality of it, I think 
 I should remain in douht. 
 
 But I hear that there is a book professing to be a 
 revelation from a Being, who in it is declared to have 
 created me and all things else. That I had a Creator 
 is highly probable, and that he should make a revelation 
 is no way absurd. I therefore examine the evidences 
 for the truth of his Bible. The genuineness of the 
 books of the Old and New Testament is as clearly (and 
 more so) established as that of anv other book extant. 
 Upon this, therefore, my mind is perfectly made up. 
 Now, amid all the arguments for the truth of Christianity, 
 the most irresistible to me, is the foreign testimony to the 
 martyrdom of so many of the immediate successors of the 
 writers of those books ; for I can ascribe their endurance 
 imto death, to nothing else but to their belief in the 
 miracles of Jesus Christ, contained in those books. I 
 feel perfectly convinced, therefore, by this, (not concluding 
 the other argument) that the whole system of Chris- 
 tianity is divine. And since adopting the Gospel as the 
 ground of my hope and rule of my life, I feel the force 
 of the arguments drawn from its exalted morality. In 
 so large a work, by so many writers in such different 
 ages, never to meet with any thing puerile, or inconsis- 
 tent wdth their owm representations of the Deity, is a 
 circumstance quite unparalleled in any other book, 
 whether on a different subject, or drawn from it. Res- 
 pecting what is called the experience of Christians, it 
 is certain we have no reason, from the mere contem- 
 plation of them, to ascribe the operations of our minds 
 to an extrinsic agent, because they arise from their 
 proper causes, and are directed to their proper ends. 
 The truth or falsehood of pretences to the experience of 
 divine agency must depend on the truth or falsehood 
 of scripture. That warrants us sufficiently, for " it is 
 God that worketh in us to will and to do of his good 
 pleasure," wdiich passage, while it asserts the reality of 
 
 E 2 
 
52 JOURNAL. [1803 
 
 God*s influence, points out also the manner of his act- 
 ing ; for he works in us to will, before he works in us 
 to do. This effectually guards against fanaticism, for 
 no one pretends he can put his finger on those myste- 
 rious springs that move the will, or knows where they 
 lie : no one therefore can say, * now God is exerting 
 his influence.' He may reasonably indeed, and ought to 
 ascribe every good thought to God, but still every good 
 in him is but the effect of something preceding ; his 
 first perception, therefore, is posterior to the moving 
 cause ; which must hence be for ever concealed from 
 the immediate knowledge of man. 
 
 I have been running on at random in metaphysics, 
 — but to return. I am convinced that Christian experi- 
 ence in general is not a delusion. Whether mine is or 
 not, will be seen at the last day. My object in making 
 this journal, is to accustom myself to self-examination, 
 to give my experience a visible form, so as to leave an 
 impression on the memory, and so to improve my soul 
 in holiness ; for the review of such a lasting testimony, 
 will serve the double end of conviction and consolation. 
 I pretend not to record all that I remember, and that not 
 on account of its minuteness, for nothing is strictly so, 
 but because in some cases it w^ould be improper to com- 
 mit it to paper. I desire to collect the habit of my mind, 
 to discover my besetting sins, the occasion of calling them 
 forth, and the considerations by which I have at any 
 time been stirred up to duty. May God in his mercy 
 save me from the delusions of my deceitful heart, and 
 pardon the indifference with which I speak and think of 
 sin, and of this record, which may be of everlasting 
 importance to my soul. 
 
 11. Strong return of old and sinful prejudices after 
 morning service. But enjoyed tolerable peace the rest 
 of the day. 
 
 12. Found Moyses speechless this morning. Read 
 some of the minor prophets, and Greek Testament, and 
 the number of the Missionary Transactions. H. drank 
 tea with me in the evening. I read some of the 
 
1803] JOURNAL. 53 
 
 Missionary accounts. The account of their sufferings 
 and diligence could not but tend to lower my notions of 
 myself. I was almost ashamed at my having such com- 
 forts about me, and at my own unprofitableness. 
 
 13. Received a letter from my sister, in which she 
 expressed her opinion of my unfitness for the work of a 
 Missionary. My want of Christian experience filled me 
 with many disquieting doubts, and this thought troubled 
 me among many others, as it has often done. ' I am 
 not only not so holy as I ought, but I do not strive to 
 have my soul wrought up to the highest pitch of devo- 
 tion every moment. But now if my salvation rested 
 upon the covenant of works, I should thus strive. It 
 follows, therefore, that I am making grace an occasion 
 of sin.* To another person making this objection, I 
 should answer, that those who have fled to Jesus in the 
 sense of their own sinfulness and helplessness, are deli- 
 vered from the law as a covenant of works, and receive 
 it only as a rule of life. But how shall we know when 
 we make it a rule of life ? 
 
 Could not satisfactorily make up my mind on this 
 subject, but retired to bed with my mind rather more 
 calm. 
 
 14. By a watchful endeavour to preserve proper 
 thoughts of my own meanness, and of the love of 
 Christ during my reading, my mind was more spi- 
 ritual and more able to commune with God. Walked 
 in the afternoon to Stapleford with H. but the feelings 
 of my heart by the way, were not often those of a peni- 
 tent and tender heart. When afterwards in company 
 with C. was continually falling into levities, which my 
 conscience condemned. 
 
 15. My spirit seemed to be still given to prayer, as 
 yesterday morning, and I found the benefit of it when I 
 walked at twelve with — , and I was more composed 
 than I usually am before a man to whom I am obliged 
 to speak unwillingly about religion. Read Hebrew^ and 
 the Greek of Hebrews. This epistle is not only not the 
 most uninteresting, as it formerly was, but now the 
 
54 JOURNAL. [1803 
 
 sweetest portion of Scripture I know; partly, I suppose, 
 because I can look up to Jesus as High Priest for me. 
 Still I may very often doubt, with reason, whether I am 
 interested in him ; yet oh, how free his love to the chief 
 of sinners ! 
 
 17. Assailed by proud, unbelieving, discontented 
 thoughts again to day, but was not long under the 
 power of them. Read Dr. Vanderkemp's mission to 
 CafPraria. What a man ! In heaven I shall think 
 myself well off, if I obtain but the lowest seat among 
 such, though now I am fond of giving myself a high 
 one. 
 
 18. Prayed with some fervour for assistance in mor- 
 tification, as I find myself little disposed to keep my 
 body under. But afterwards gave way to many despi- 
 cable vanities about my appearance, which soon spread 
 darkness over my heart. Heard D. at St. Mary's. At Mr. 
 Simeon's, when he delivered his text from John xvii. 
 9, 10, I felt ashamed and provoked at my folly, now 
 that I was about to lose the enjoyment I should other- 
 wise have had from this subject, from the pain my sins 
 had caused. After dinner read Hebrews xii. and xiii. 
 and was in a composed frame throughout the remainder 
 of the day ; not in the bitterness of unrepented sin, nor 
 yet tender and affectionate. Many vanities sprung up 
 imperceptibly at chapel, and again I omitted an oppor- 
 tunity of speaking for the good of others. My sins are 
 more in number than the hairs of my head ; well might 
 I doubt of the possibility of being sanctified and saved, 
 were not that to make things worse. Mr. Simeon preached 
 in the evening a most convincing sermon on Mark ii. 
 17. I could not but feel my need of a physician, such 
 as Jesus ; and also the folly of unbelief ; nevertheless, 
 my sins pressed heavily on my heart. 
 
 19. Breakfasted with C — , and was much too con- 
 formed to my old behaviour of levity and arrogance. 
 Read Hebrew ; and the Greek Testament. — drank 
 tea with me in the evening ; my hope of him is become 
 more sanguine. May his will be thoroughly subdued to 
 
1803] JOURNAL. 
 
 00 
 
 the obedience of faith. With — to day, but seemed 
 fearful of pressing home the humbhng truths of the 
 gospel to him, though he receives all I say with candour. 
 
 22. Two men from Clare Hall breakfasted with me. 
 A fear of man, which prevented me from saying grace 
 before breakfast, brought me into inexpressible confusion 
 of conscience. Recovered a little by saying it after. How 
 foolish am I, and ignorant, and cowardly, to be afraid 
 to worship the Lord of Hosts before his rebellious crea- 
 tures. Walked with B. and discovered great selfishness 
 and w^ant of charity. Fear of man again at table to-day, 
 not by my silence, for that was unavoidable, but by 
 look and manner. My heart condemned me, but not at 
 the time. But the Lord is greater than our hearts, he 
 knoweth all things. He brought it to my mind after- 
 wards, so that I could not but appear to myself exceed- 
 ingly vile and contemptible. 
 
 23. I was under disquiet at the prospect of my 
 future work abroad, encompassed with difficulties, but I 
 trusted that I was under the guidance of infinite wisdom, 
 and on that I could rest. From the contemplation of 
 the maze before me, I was led to a calm and melancholy 
 reflection on the vanity of the world, the mighty powder 
 of God, the mystery of our existence, and in prayer 
 afterwards I drew nigh to God. 
 
 24. Walked to Shelford, when I was in a gloomy 
 temper from being vainly concerned about the appear- 
 ance of the body. It is enough to astonish and distress 
 me, that in spite of my convictions of the perfect 
 nothingness of this world, of the opinion of men, and 
 above- all, of the insignificancy of bodily appearance, I 
 shovild still feel any concern about the appearance of my 
 person. This is Mr. Simeon's birth-day. After dinner 
 he spoke in a very edifying manner on the subject. He 
 said he could thank God for his creation, though so 
 little had been done by him in these forty four years. 
 May I have done as much in the same time ! 
 
 25. Had a sweet meditation in the garden, but much 
 vanity of mind in the course of the day. — drank 
 
56 JOURNAL. [1803 
 
 tea with me, but the world seemed uppermost in his * 
 thoughts. I ought to be more close in my dealing 
 with the consciences of those to whom I can speak on 
 religion. I was quite overpowered with sleep at time 
 of evening -prayer. 
 
 27. Abridged the two first sections of Edwards on 
 Original Sin. Designed to visit Mrs. S, but through 
 delay and fear of my frame being unsuitable, I did not 
 go, and so brought pain to my conscience, which was a 
 proof that it was not in my heart to go ; for if it were 
 pleasant to go, I should not be easily satisfied with the 
 excuses for not going. 
 
 28. It appeared this morning as if I had been long 
 absent from God. It is of his mercy that he restoreth 
 my soul, and leadeth me in the paths of righteousness 
 for his name's sake. Continued the abridgment of 
 Edwards. Read Zechariah with Lowth. As I had fixed 
 on two places to visit this evening, the prospect of it 
 made me unhappy this morning. But in my walk out, 
 I felt ashamed at having demurred at such a blessed 
 "work, as comforting the afflicted and instructing the 
 ignorant, especially when hundreds of God's people, 
 especially his ministers, are doing it with infinite pains 
 and satisfaction in all parts of the globe. I perceived 
 that the reason of my unwillingness to pray with others, 
 arose not from any thing else, than a vain desire of the 
 esteem of men. For were I dead to the world and the 
 opinions of it, I should speak in prayer with composure, 
 and have the testimony of a good conscience. Whereas 
 the remembrance of the pain succeeding hypocritical 
 prayers, diffuses the bitterness of gall over the day, before 
 the duty is done. Alas ! I have much unmortified pride 
 to subdue yet. When shall I live with my thoughts 
 w^rapt up in God and heaven, and crucified to the world ? 
 How many of my days are lost, if their worth is to be 
 measured by the standard of prevailing heavenly-mind- 
 edness ! I think sometimes that if I could find the work 
 of God in this particular, (praying with the sick or 
 others,) a delight, nothing would prevent my enjoying 
 
1803] JOURNAL. 57 
 
 the full earnest of heaven. But this I shall hereafter 
 find to he vain. What but the humbling influence of 
 the Spirit, shewing me my vileness and desperate wick- 
 edness, can ever produce such an habitual temper ? I 
 thought at dinner, with what awful and deep submission 
 should I work the work of God, were I to see some 
 marvellous manifestation of his glory in providence, or 
 if my own death were fixed for to-day. O Lord, let me 
 glorify thee in the faithful view of thy worthiness, of 
 thy design in commanding the cross, and with gratitude 
 for being spared # # # =)^ 
 
 I found it in my heart to pour forth my soul to God. 
 I was constrained to praise God for his mercy. Admire, 
 my soul ! the displayed perfections, the transacted works, 
 the fulfilled promises of the Most High. Let me believe 
 his mighty works and sing his praise. 
 
 29. A nervous headache prevented my reading : so I 
 passed the morning in the open air, striving to fix my 
 thoughts on John iv. 10, on which I wished to write a 
 sermon. I could not make out much, though the 
 thought of the living w^ater brought me into a calm and 
 peaceful frame. But before I got home, many an evil 
 thought possessed my mind. 
 
 Mr. Simeon's sermon in the evening, on 2 Chron xxxii. 
 31, discovered to me my corruption and vileness, more 
 than any sermon I have ever heard. His divisions were — 
 We little think, what is in our hearts, till we are tried ; 
 We shall soon give some awful proof when we are tried : 
 How one sin may show us all the evil of our hearts. 
 If David, who had so closely walked with God, fell into 
 the most foul and filthy abominations, what must my 
 danger be who walk so unstably ! Lord, save thy ser- 
 vant from presumptuous sins, that they have not domi- 
 nion over me. Hezekiah's sin was vanity. Instead of 
 directing the ambassadors who came to inquire about 
 the phenomenon, to the knowledge of Jehovah, who had 
 set the sun in the firmament, he thought only of grati- 
 fying his pride, by shewing them his treasures, &c. 
 How many times have I fallen into this sin ? And had 
 
58 LETTER. [1803 
 
 God left me every time to shew me what was in my 
 heart ? And did I fall into it again and again, without 
 learning it? Oh, the riches of his patience and long- 
 suffering ! 
 
 St. Johns, September 29, 1803. 
 How long it seems since I heard from you, my 
 dear Sargent; and yet I have only myself to blame, for 
 not answering a letter you sent me in the middle of 
 August. * # =H: I shall be anxious to 
 
 know how you have been passing your summer, not I 
 hope, as I have, amidst the din of arms. I give our 
 drilling this lofty title, because a little is sufficient to 
 disturb me. Too many resident friends in the univer- 
 sity, have contributed not a little to the frittering away 
 of my time. I mean, however, to leave the university 
 corps forthwith, as the day of ordination (Oct. 23,) is 
 drawing near. Very little indeed have I done this 
 summer. As this is the last long vacation I shall ever 
 pass as an 'ihwlriq, I am rather disappointed at having 
 lost such a season of retirement. Our Lord led a very 
 retired life ; his ministers, therefore, it should seem, 
 ought to do so too. Yet I sometimes think that it is 
 from too much indulging solitude, that I am so easily 
 distracted in company. But how great must be your 
 trials from so much worldly business and worldly plea- 
 sure ! How ought we, who are entrusted with the min- 
 istration of the spirit, w^hose very breath ought to be 
 prayer, to beseech God to preserve you and his other 
 saints engaged in the business of time 1 May he keep 
 you unspotted from the world, and so dwell in you by 
 his Spirit, that while your thoughts are necessarily 
 engaged with earthly things, your heart may be in 
 heaven ! Unhappily our treacherous hearts, if interested 
 but lawfully in other things, are thereby less apt to take 
 pleasure in religious meditation. My studies during the 
 last three months have been Hebrew, Greek Testament, 
 Jon. Edwards on Original Sin, and on the Affections, and 
 Bishop Hopkins, — your favourite and mine. Never did 
 
1803] JOURNAL. 59 
 
 I read such energetic language, such powerful appeals to 
 the conscience. Somehow or other he is able to excite 
 most constant interest, say what he will. I have been 
 lately reading the first volume of the Reports of the 
 Missionary Society, who sent out so many to Otaheite 
 and the southern parts of Africa. You w^ould find the 
 account of Dr. Vanderkemp's Mission into Caffraria 
 infinitely entertaining. It appeared so much so to me, 
 that I could read nothing else while it lasted. Respect- 
 ing my own concerns in this way, no material change 
 has taken place, either externally or internally, except 
 that my sister thinks me unqualified, through want of 
 religious experience, and that I find greater pleasure at 
 the prospect of it. I am conscious, however, of viewing 
 things too much on the bright side, and think more 
 readily of the happiness of seeing the desert rejoice and 
 blossom as the rose, than of pain, and fatigue, and 
 crosses, and disappointments. However it shall be 
 determined for me, it is my duty to crush the risings of 
 self-will, so as to be cheerfully prepared to go or stay. 
 
 Your's ever, 
 H. Martyn. 
 
 Oct. 1. Endeavoured to write on John iv. 10, but 
 felt a degree of fretfulness at being able to produce 
 nothing. G. staid with me an hour, during which time 
 my temper and conversation were very different from 
 that of my Lord and Saviour. Strove in my walk to 
 rise from under the burden of corruption that oppressed 
 me, by looking to Jesus. When I was beginning to 
 shrink from the duties I had designed for the evening, 
 a sight of my own real state, as saved only by grace, 
 and so not my own, was sufficient to quicken me. But 
 how dark and stupid is my soul in spiritual things ! Oh 
 let thy continual pity attend me still, O Lord ! In the 
 afternoon read in Law's Serious Call, the chapter on 
 Resignation, and prayed for it according to his direc- 
 tion. I rather think a regular distribution of the day 
 for prayer, to obtain the three great graces of humility, 
 
60 JOURNAL. 1^1803 
 
 love, and resignation, would be far the best way to 
 grow in them. The music at chapel led my thoughts 
 to heaven, and I went cheerfully to Mrs. S. 
 
 H. drank tea with me afterwards. As there was in the 
 Christian Observer something of my own, the first which 
 ever appeared in print, I felt myself going off to vanity 
 and levity, but was enabled to check it a little. Never- 
 theless the world and the opinions of the world clouded 
 my views of God during the remainder of the evening. 
 
 2. Rose earlier than usual, and after combating 
 some prejudices which arose, as they often do against the 
 service of God, I prayed with some sense of the privilege 
 of prayer, but not with enlargement. Staid to receive 
 the sacrament at Trinity Church, chiefly from being 
 convinced from the sermon on the subject of its import- 
 ance. I was less hurried in my spirits than usually at 
 this ordinance, but at the time of actually receiving it, 
 my faith was not in exercise. I was in a happy frame 
 most of the day. 
 
 6. Read Leslie's Short Method, and was exceedingly 
 irritated at not being able to understand it as soon or as 
 clearly as I expected. Finished the Greek Testament. 
 This time of reading it over has been attended with 
 great satisfaction. I was very impatient with my pupil 
 this afternoon. This unhumbled spirit ought to be a 
 matter of very serious attention to me. Independently 
 of other considerations, how unfit is such a temper for 
 the work of evangelizing the heathens ! Well is it for 
 my soul that the Lord is not provoked with my igno- 
 rance and perverseness in divine things. Drank tea 
 with H. and laboured to preserve a meek and quiet 
 spirit. 
 
 7. Read Malachi, and was exceedingly refreshed by 
 chap. iii. to v. 16, and felt greatly encouraged to every 
 duty, particularly that of speaking to and exhorting 
 others, which of late has appeared to be one of unli- 
 mited extent and insuperable difficulty. 
 
 Was in some pain at not having joined — in 
 
 the walks, and speaking to them ; but the way to know 
 
1803] JOURNAL. Gl 
 
 when to abstain and when to address them, is to have 
 love. Did I but love and seek their soul's welfare, I 
 should not think it sufficient to speak and oifend them 
 at once, and consider the duty to God as done, but I 
 should watch for proper opportunities when I might 
 hope it would be effectual. But I want a willingness to 
 labour incessantly for the good of souls with all self- 
 denial. 
 
 — came at seven and staid till nine : we soon got into 
 dispute which continued without intermission the whole 
 time. He is as far from the truth as ever, very obsti- 
 nate, but at the same time never offended with sarcasm 
 or ridicule. The din of controversy little agrees with 
 heavenly-mindedness. Though I entered on it from a 
 sense of duty, yet I took not heed to my spirit, and lost 
 all sight of tenderness and pity. 
 
 9. Rose at six, which is earlier than of late, and 
 passed the whole morning in great tranquillity. I prayed 
 to be sent out to China, and rejoiced in the prospect of 
 the glorious day when Christ shall be glorified on earth. 
 At chapel the music of the chant and anthem seemed to 
 be in my ears as the sounds of heaven, particularly the 
 anthem, 1 Chron. xxix. 10. But these joys, alas! par- 
 take much of the flesh in their transitory nature. At 
 chapel I wished to return to my rooms to read the song 
 of Moses the servant of God, &c. in the Revelations, 
 but when I came to it found little pleasure. The sound 
 of the music had ceased, and with it my joy, and nothing 
 remained but evil temper, darkness, and unbelief. All 
 this time I had forgotten what it is to be a poor humble 
 soul. I had floated off the Rock of Ages into the deep, 
 where I was beginning to sink had not the Saviour 
 stretched out his hand and said to me, It is I ! Let me 
 never be cheated out of my dependence on him, nor ever 
 forget my need of him. 
 
 12. Reading Paley's Evidences. Had my pride deeply 
 wounded to-day, and perceived that I was far from humi- 
 lity. Great bitterness and dislike arose in my mind against 
 the man who had been the unconscious cause of it. Oh, 
 
62 JOURNAL. [1803 
 
 may I learn daily my hidden evils, and loathe myself for 
 my secret abominations I Prayed for the man and found 
 my affections return. 
 
 13. Reading Evidences. Interrupted by the calls of 
 some friends. In great unhappiness on account of the 
 necessity of speaking to men for their good, and of some 
 other things. # * * 'j\^[^ is a cer- 
 tain symptom of a sickly mind. All these things I 
 should have taken as recreations at one time. But says 
 St. Paul, " do thou endure hardness as a good soldier 
 of Jesus Christ." Let me not thus in the way of duty 
 suffer trifles to daunt or disquiet my mind. Never be 
 fearful or unbelieving, but keep body and mind under, 
 through the grace of God. 
 
 14. My prayers have been frequent of late, but I 
 cannot realize the presence of Almighty God. I have 
 not enjoyed communion with him, else there would not 
 be such strangeness in my heart towards the world to 
 come. How vain is it to strive unassisted against cor- 
 ruption ! How empty and ungodly that sourness and 
 bitterness I feel at seeing the evil of my heart ! Alas ! 
 repentance shuts the mouth, and victory over sin is 
 obtained in silence. " Be still and know that I 
 am God." " In returning and rest shall ye be 
 saved — in quietness and confidence shall be your 
 strength." 
 
 1 5 . Was in a great bustle the whole day, yet in the 
 general frame of my mind rejoicing. In my morning 
 walk my heart expanded with joy, yet it was soon 
 obscured by pride. 
 
 16. Rose sleepy and unrefreshed, and in the little 
 time I had for reading and prayer before morning 
 service was wandering and careless. At church at first 
 was in a most fretful state of discontent at the sight of 
 my own vanities, and of my concern about the body. A 
 few transient glimpses of the happiness of having the 
 heart in heaven made me strive earnestly against my 
 corruptions, and God gave me greater peace during the 
 remainder of the service. The certainty of future glory 
 
1803] JOURNAL. 63 
 
 appeared very strongly to me at chapel, and filled my 
 heart with many sweet affections. 
 
 18. The morning was employed hy the declamation. 
 As I had broken in upon the time of reading the Scrip- 
 tures and prayer at noon, I w^as more than ordinarily 
 careful to maintain a mind unaffected with human 
 studies and earthly things during my morning walk ; and 
 the words '* I will come into him and sup with him, 
 and he w^ith me/' furnished me with many delightful 
 views of the grace and condescension of my Lord. 
 
 19. Rose with mv heart somewhat tender and humble, 
 and suitable to this day, which was set apart for a public 
 fast. I should have found this day far more effectually 
 answering its end, if I had been less interrupted, (which 
 I might indeed have managed by precaution) as my 
 mind w^as disposed to dwell on heavenly things in a 
 serious and solemn frame. I wished to have made my 
 approaching ordination to the ministry a more leading 
 object of my prayers. For two or three days I have 
 been reading some of St. Augustine's Meditations, and 
 was delighted with the hope of enjoying such commu- 
 nion with God as this holy man. Blessed be God ! 
 nothing prevents, no earthly business, no earthly love 
 can rightfully intrude to claim my thoughts, for I have 
 professedly resigned them all. My mind still continues 
 in a joyous and happy state, though at intervals, through 
 want of humility, my confidence seems vain. 
 
 20. This morning was almost all lost, by friends 
 coming in. At noon I read the fortieth chapter of Isaiah. 
 Amidst the bustle of common life, how frequently has 
 my heart been refreshed by the descriptions of the future 
 glory of the church, and the happiness of man hereafter ! 
 
 Pride shews itself every hour of every day I What 
 long and undisturbed possession does self-complacency 
 hold of my heart ! What plans, and dreams, and visions 
 of futurity fill my imagination every day in which self 
 is the prominent object ! O Lord, now that so few 
 things without happen to me to humble my soul, let 
 thy Spirit secretly teach me what I am. 
 
64 JOURNAL. [1803 
 
 21. In walking I sought to ascend to God without 
 a contrite spirit, and so I felt great dissatisfaction 
 and fearfulness. 
 
 22. Went in a gig to Ely with B. Having had no 
 time for morning prayer, my conversation was poor. 
 At Chapel, I felt great shame at having come so confi- 
 dently to offer myself for the ministry of the Lord Jesus 
 Christ, with so much ignorance, and unholiness, and I 
 thought it would be but just if I were sent off with 
 ignominy. Dr. M — the examining chaplain, set me 
 to construe the xith chapter of Matthew : Grotius : To 
 turn the first article into Latin : To prove the being of a 
 God, his infinite power and goodness : To give the evi- 
 dence of Christianity to Jews and heathens : To shew the 
 importance of the miracle of the resurrection of Christ. 
 He asked an account also of the Pharisees, Sadducees, 
 and Scribes, the places of the worship amongst the 
 Jews, &c. After leaving the palace I was in very low 
 spirits, I had now nothing to think of but the weight 
 and difficulty of the work w^hich lay before me, which 
 never appeared so great at a distance. At dinner the 
 conversation was frivolous. After tea I was left alone 
 with one of the deacons, to whom I talked seriously, 
 and desired him to read the ordination service, at which 
 he was much affected. Retired to my room early, and 
 besought God to give me a right and affecting sense of 
 things. I seemed to pray a long time in vain, so dark 
 and distracted was my mind. At length I began to feel 
 the shameful and cruel neglect and unconcern for the 
 honour of God, and the souls of my brethren in having 
 trifled with men whom I feared were about to * ' lie to the 
 Holy Ghost." So I went to them again, resolving to lay 
 hold on any opportunity, but found none to do any 
 thing effectually. Went to bed with a painful sense of 
 my hardness of heart and unsuitable preparation for the 
 ministry. 
 
 23. Rose early, and prayed, not without distrac- 
 tion. I then walked, but could not acquire a right and 
 happy sense of God's mercy in calling me to the ministry ; 
 
1803] JOURNAL. 65 
 
 but was melancholy at the labours that awaited me. On 
 returning, I met one of the deacons, to whom I spoke 
 on the solemn occasion, but he seemed incapable of 
 entertaining a serious thought. At half-past ten- we 
 went to the cathedral. During the ordination and 
 sacramental services I sought in vain for a humble 
 heavenly mind. The outward shew which tended to 
 inspire solemnity affected me more than the faith of 
 Christ's presence, giving me the commission to preach 
 the gospel. May I have grace to fulfil those promises 
 I made before God and the people ! After dinner, 
 walked with great rapidity to Cambridge. I went 
 straight to Trinity Church, where my old vanities assailed 
 my soul. How monstrous and horrible did they appear 
 in me now that I was a minister of holy things ! I 
 could scarcely believe that so sacred an office should be 
 held by one who had such a heart within. B. sat with 
 me in the evening, but I w^as not humbled ; for I had 
 not been near to God to obtain the grace of con- 
 trition. On going to prayer at night I was seized with 
 a most violent sickness. In the pain and disorder of 
 my body I could but commend myself faintly to God's 
 mercy in Jesus Christ. 
 
 24 — 29. Busily employed in writing a sermon, and 
 from the slow advances I made in it, w^as in general very 
 melancholy. I read on the Thursday night for the first 
 time in Trinity church. 
 
 30. Rose with a heavy heart, and my head empty, 
 from having read so little of the scriptures this last 
 week. After church sat with — , two hours conversing 
 about the Missionary plan. He considered my ideas on 
 the subject to be enthusiastic, and told me that I had 
 neither strength of body or mind for the work. This 
 latter defect I did not at all like ; it was galling to the 
 pride of my heart, and I went to bed hurt ; yet thank- 
 ful to God for sending me one who w^ould tell me the 
 truth. ^ 
 
 31 — Nov. 5. Chief part of this week also taken up 
 with writing on John iv. 10. yet with a mind less 
 
 F 
 
66 JOURNAL. [1803 
 
 gloomy than last week. The subject indeed of Christ's 
 free and gracious offer of the living water, tended to 
 enliven my heart. Yet for want of more reading the 
 the scriptures, my prayers were poor. 
 
 6. I was in a most delighted and happy frame this 
 morning, at the thought of preaching the gospel, and 
 felt as if I could place myself in the Saviour's stead, 
 and as if my heart would melt at offering the water of 
 life to the sons of men. But on reading over my own 
 sermon, I was chilled and frozen at the deadness and 
 stupidity of it. I commended it, and myself, and the 
 people, to his grace. Read at Trinity as usual, and rode 
 to Lol worth, where there was a very small congregation, 
 at which my pride was beginning to take the alarm ; but 
 the hope of doing good, though but to one soul, brought 
 me to a different spirit. There seemed to be one or two 
 who heard the word gladly, and to those I could have 
 been willing to preach for days together. After evening 
 church, Mr. S. told me I ought to read wdth more so- 
 lemnity and devotion, at which I was not a little grieved 
 and amazed. H. also, and my other friends, com- 
 plained of my speaking too low, and with too little 
 elocution. These things, with the difficulty I had found 
 in making sermons, and the poorness of them, made me 
 appear exceedingly contemptible to myself. I began to 
 see (and amazing is it to say) for the first time, that I 
 must be contented to take my place among men of 
 second-rate abilities ; that there were men who excelled 
 me in every thing. I therefore first discovered into what 
 profound ignorance and dreadfid presumption my paltry 
 worldly honours and pride had led me. Humbled at 
 this conviction, I perceived it to be right, though it was 
 certainly a novel thought to me, if God and his more 
 perfect creatures were glorified together, and I were cast 
 out and forgotten. In all my humiliations, which have 
 been few and transient, and with all the humility I 
 imagined myself to possess, I have still obstinately 
 maintained my fancied place amongst men. All this 
 has been going forward in a heart which conceived it- 
 
1803] LETTER. 67 
 
 self to have attained something of the humility of Jesus 
 Christ. Now in the retrospect of these things I see 
 two causes of humiliation : one is that my pride and 
 ignorance are so great, in assigning to myself a station 
 to which I did not belong; secondly, in being pained at 
 discovering my inferiority to my friends in unimportant 
 accomplishments. Oh that I may not be deceived in 
 the consideration of the state of my soul in regard to 
 eternity ! 
 
 7 — 10. Employed in preparing the last Sunday's 
 sermon for Thursday, and in writing on Heb. vi. 11. 
 The convictions I had received of my extreme ignorance 
 in spiritual things remained, and sometimes made me 
 earnest for the teachings of God's Spirit. 
 
 13. I longed to draw very near to God, to pray 
 him that he would give me the Spirit of wisdom and 
 revelation. I thought of David Brainerd, and ardently 
 desired his devotedness to God and holy breathings 
 of soul. 
 
 18. In my walk spoke to three young men who were 
 swearing. They seemed to be much confounded, and to 
 take deeply what I said to them. I look forward often 
 to the time of my hoped-for mission with joy. I hope 
 my expectation of comfort in it arises from a desire to 
 do something for Christ, though my great unconcern 
 for souls here may well make me doubt it. 
 
 St. John's, Nov. 18, 1803. 
 I thank you, my dear Sargent, for your prayers on the 
 day of my ordination. I rejoiced to think that many 
 were putting up to heaven for me ; for much indeed did ^ 
 need them. Neither at that time nor since have I been 
 duly affected with the awfulness of the charge. The 
 incessant employment of sermon-writing has left me little 
 leisure for quiet consideration : and so my spirits have 
 been greatly depressed the last three weeks. The four 
 sermons I have preached are on Job xiv. 14. John 
 iv. 10. Psalm ix. 17. Heb. vi. if. two of them at 
 Trinity church. My Lolworth congregation is about 
 
 F 2 
 
68 LETTER. [1803 
 
 one hundred. Now that the composition of sermons 
 will become easier, I hope to perform all the duties 
 of the ministry with more attention than I have yet been 
 able to give. Time and prayer will, I trust, through 
 the grace of God remove that childish thought- 
 lessness which attends me still, and make me feel w^here 
 I stand. * ' * # ^ y[y conversations 
 
 with — have been attended with no small advantage to 
 me in the way of wholesome correction. He is the only 
 man of all my friends here that tells me the truth plainly ; 
 and so is the only one, who by lowering my pride, 
 eventually promotes my sanctification and peace. * 
 
 * * * As you have read Law, tell me your 
 
 opinion of him. He is rather a favourite of mine, 
 though not without his faults. It seems by what your 
 friends here say, that you do not engage with sufficient 
 earnestness in your worldly business. I hardly know 
 what to give as my opinion on this subject. The law 
 is so very different from all other pursuits, in the time 
 and labour required for it. Yet on the other hand there 
 is Sir Matthew Hale. * # * * I never 
 hear a word about the missionary business. If you see 
 Mr. Wilberforce, and his mind is not too much occu- 
 pied about the present affairs of national danger, ask 
 him something about it. 
 
 I am, dear Sargent, 
 
 Yours ever truly, 
 
 H. Martyn. 
 
 19. As H. of Magdalen had promised to preach for 
 me to-morrow, I expected to have enjoyed this day in 
 much private communion with God, but through care- 
 lessness the time slipped away unimproved. Learned 
 good part of the 1st Epistle to Timothy by heart; now 
 that I am in the ministry the* instructions on this head 
 affect me very differently. Some of my acquaintances 
 drank wine with me. I was more careful about offend- 
 ing them by over-much strictness, than of offending God 
 by conformity to the world. They left me with my 
 
1803] JOURNAL. 69 
 
 spirit wounded. I felt that I ought to have lifted up 
 my heart to God in secret for them, and to have laboured 
 to discountenance their vanities. 
 
 20. Was somewhat fervent this morning in prayer 
 and intercession. The sermon, John xiv. 2, 3. was 
 refreshing to me, and I had power to retain the com- 
 fortable impressions. After church I visited a sick 
 w^oman, and prayed with her. Vain and earthly 
 thoughts perplexed my mind in the evening at church. 
 Well is it for the people that they cannot read the 
 heart of their ministering servant. I groaned under 
 the corruption of my heart this evening in prayer, and 
 prayed and longed for grace to purge me thoroughly, 
 and retired to bed wdth a meek desire of living entirely 
 for God. 
 
 21. In the afternoon, before going out to visit the 
 sick, the pride and laziness of my heart made me appear 
 detestable to myself. Thou, Lord, only, canst know the 
 hidden evil of thy creature. Let thy continual pity defend 
 me : let thy gracious Spirit cleanse me ! 
 
 22. A day of varied emotions of deep and painful 
 feeling, followed by joy and peace. In my walk was in 
 great heaviness : till towards the latter part of it I held 
 fast by Christ, and seemed able to make his will mine, 
 though still with many vain and cowardly imaginations. 
 At seven went to the society of young men and explained 
 the 50th Psalm with great composure. In prayer God 
 vouchsafed the spirit of supplication. For the first time 
 I found myself happy in this social exercise ; my desires 
 after God w^ere clear and strong, and it was with great 
 unwillingness that I left off. My joy during the rest of 
 the evening was very great, though there were many 
 approaches to spiritual pride. 
 
 23. Towards the evening much strong propensity to 
 the gratification of self-will, and much pain at thwarting 
 it. Began to seek God in solemn prayer for fitness for 
 the ministry, in which I continued about half an hour, 
 entirely on the subject of the resignation of my own will ; 
 and I gained so much light that it appeared monstrous 
 
70 JOURNAL. [1803 
 
 and horrible that any creature should seek its will in 
 opposition to God's will. 
 
 24 to 26. Chiefly employed about my sermon, and 
 preparing for the examination at Christmas. My soul 
 has been struggling with much corruption, summoning 
 up courage in the name of God to fight the fight of faith 
 with never-ceasing exertion, and yet soon sinking again 
 into evil tempers, distrust, and despondency. Oh my 
 spirit faints for holiness ! When shall God be glorified 
 by the entire renewing of this sinful heart ? Oh that the 
 powers of my soul were awake to God and the good of 
 my fellow-creatures 1 But truly I am an unprofitable 
 servant ! 
 
 27. I was much interrupted in reading the Scriptures 
 this morning : yet my spirit found delight in retiring 
 from the world and forgetting its concerns, to live with 
 God and walk with God. I long-ed to be entirelv deli- 
 vered from the opinions of men, and to approve myself 
 unto God. Heard Mr. Lloyd preach on Rom. vii. 12. 
 and his observations to me afterwards tended to impress 
 on my mind the advantage of having my condemnation 
 by the law continually before me ; for oh how light and 
 trifling would every painful duty appear, could I but keep 
 in mind God's sparing mercy ! And how ought I also 
 to remember it on the score of humility and seriousness ! 
 Mr. Lloyd observed that these thoughts tended to pre- 
 serve a consistency of character. How closely did this 
 apply to myself, who do such dishonour to Christ ! 
 Read and prayed with the same sick woman ; she and 
 all the people in the room, about five in number, seemed 
 to be in profound ignorance. I strove to charge her 
 sins home to her ; but this is a very unacceptable task to 
 most people. Called on another woman, who was 
 equally destitute of the know^ledge of the truth. This 
 parish, which has heard the gospel for between twenty 
 and thirty years, is still in a most lamentable state for 
 want of the minister's testifying from house to house. 
 May the Lord fill me with more zeal in doing this 
 business, both at Lolworth and in the parish at Cam- 
 
1803] JOURNAL. 71 
 
 bridge. In the evening my sins appeared more in 
 number than the hairs of my head. I remembered with 
 horror the multitudes 1 had been guilty of this holy 
 day ; how many proud and vain thoughts, how much 
 forgetfulness of God and want of every grace appeared 
 in the course of it ! The pride of this wicked heart 
 I seem to have made no way in subduing. The pain 
 I felt at the kind admonitions of friends too plainly 
 shewed this. Yet I can commit the sanctification of 
 my soul to Christ ; and it is my comfort and sup- 
 port to think that "he is of God made unto me wis- 
 dom, and righteousness, and sanctification, and re- 
 demption.'' 
 
 28 to 30. I was in an uncomfortable state for the 
 most part of this time, through the prevalence of cor- 
 ruption. The work of visiting the people of Cam- 
 bridge, and reading to and praying with them, appeared 
 hateful to me, but through grace, my self-will did not 
 prevail. On 30th particularly, after much painful 
 striving in prayer, I gained some relief and hope of 
 delight in every part of the ministerial work. All the 
 arguments, of which any one is of infinite and everlasting 
 moment, seem to be ineffectual to bend the stubborn- 
 ness of my heart, unless the Spirit convert it. The 
 sixth chapter of Isaiah, and the meditation of the pre- 
 cious value of men, though disguised by the low 
 pursuits of trade, or buried under the rubbish of 
 poverty and ignorance, had no power to influence my 
 perverse and senseless will. All these things manifest 
 a low state of Christian experience; but they must be 
 recorded. 
 
 Dec. 1. Felt a serious submission to God this 
 morning in prayer ; but never since my ordination have 
 I been without care. Hoped to enjoy some of that 
 peace and joy I used to feel in reading Isaiah ; but was 
 interrupted. Was strengthened and composed by read- 
 ing Heb. x. and learning it by heart. Endeavoured to 
 seek God in my walk. # # # Prayed 
 
 for myself as a minister, for the people at Lolworth and 
 
 i|^^=^-'- 
 
 m 
 
72 JOURNAL. [1803 
 
 Cambridge, for my dear sisters, — but with nothing like 
 fervour. Do I believe that God heareth prayer ? Lord, 
 help my unbelief! Amidst all my unprofitableness and 
 gloom, was often refreshed by the prospect of the 
 shortness of time and approach of death. 
 
 2. Resolved upon more self-denial this morning. I 
 have, I trust, rescinded all unnecessary expences, yet 
 ease and attachment to the comforts of life have had a 
 tendency to produce a weakness of mind, w^hich makes 
 me but ill-disposed to endure hardness. By watch- 
 fulness against these things this morning, by studied 
 unconcern about the flesh, I rose above it, and found 
 the benefit besides in the fearlessness w^ith which I 
 viewed the labour and difficulties of my future life. 
 Found great insight into the design of Heb. xi. and 
 thought I should hereafter walk more steadily by faith. 
 Was more composed throughout the day, though not 
 without care. 
 
 3. Employed all day in writing sermon. The inces- 
 sant employment of my thoughts about the necessary 
 business of my life, parishes, pupils, sermons, sick, &c. 
 leave far too little time for my private meditations ; so 
 that I know little of God and my soul. Resolved I 
 would gain some hours from my usual sleep, if there 
 Avere no other way ; but failed this morning in conse- 
 quence of sitting up so late. 
 
 4. Called at two or three of the parishioners' houses, 
 and found them universally in the most profound state 
 of ignorance and stupidity. On my road home could 
 not perceive that men who have any little knowledge, 
 should have any thing to do biit instruct their wretched 
 fellow- creatures. The pursuits of science, and all the 
 vain and glittering employments of men, seemed a cruel 
 withholding from their perishing brethren, of that time 
 and exertion which might save their souls. 
 
 5. Rode to Lolworth before breakfast, to marry a 
 couple. On the road, all my endeavours to obtain 
 some sweetness in divine thoughts in my own strength 
 were fruitless ; but when I resigned all the concerns of 
 
1803] JOURNAL. 73 
 
 my spirit into the hands of God, that he would deal with 
 me according to his pleasure, I found some pleasure in 
 being nothing. In the afternoon, — stayed with me ; 
 but our theme was learned rather than practical divinity. 
 He is, however, a dear and valuable friend, for telling 
 me freely of my faults. In prayer this evening I drew 
 near to God, and besought him to make me a very 
 different soul from what I should be likely to be, by 
 taking my train of thinking from the language of pro- 
 fessing Christians. They all excel me in Christian 
 tempers ; but man even in his full perfection is but a 
 broken cistern. 
 
 6. Passed the whole morning reading Heb. xi, and 
 before my usual prayer, — called to walk. I told him my 
 opinion about his neglect of public worship, and private 
 opportunities of advantage, very freely, but perhaps too 
 harshly. Let me dread lest I quench the smoking flax ; 
 resolved to win him if possible by more tenderness. 
 
 7. At morning prayers in Trinity church, tasted 
 something of the sweetness of devotion, though with no 
 joy. Oh how much better is it to have a peaceful sense 
 of my own wretchedness, and a humble waiting upon 
 God for his sanctifying grace, than to talk much and 
 appear to be somebody in religion, as I have done ! At 
 night my soul was strengthened considerably : I never 
 before felt so calm and steady a resolution to live in 
 continual self-denial, to fight hard every day ; and it 
 appeared that whatever I could be possibly called to 
 endure was nothing, such a mercy was it that I might 
 hope for salvation. 
 
 8. Rose early, and in prayer had something of a 
 suitable frame, that is a contented waiting upon God. 
 It was my desire and prayer to mourn for sin, and to be' 
 poor in spirit. All the rest of the morning, from seven 
 to twelve, wasted by repeated calls of friends, and in 
 fruitless attempts to write a sermon. This left me dis- 
 satisfied with the mis-spent time, yet not quite forgetful 
 of that temper which it was my predetermined purpose 
 to preserve. G. joined me in my walk, and as he seemed 
 
74 JOURNAL. [1803 
 
 disposed to converse about religion, I spoke to him very 
 openly. I had occasion to mention to him that the last 
 day of my life would be the best. I think of it without 
 joy, though without fear. It seems as if I should be 
 saved only as by fire, having done nothing to glorify 
 God, and my heart seeming to be destitute of grace. 
 
 11. (Sunday.) Preached at Lolworth on Isaiah Ixiv. 
 7, and talked with some of the poor people at their 
 houses on the same subject of prayer, and from the 
 manner in which some received it, I was much rejoiced. 
 
 22. Married — . How satisfactory is it to admin- 
 ister the ordinance of matrimony, where the couple are 
 pious ! I felt thankful that I was delivered from all 
 desires of the comforts of the married life. With the 
 most desirable partner, and every prospect of happiness ; 
 I would prefer a single life, in which there are so much 
 greater opportunities for heavenly-mindedness. 
 
 23. Overslept myself in consequence of having risen 
 too early yesterday. This, with my cold and cough, 
 made me unfit for every thing. I had designed this 
 day for a fast, in order to recover from the late distrac- 
 tion of mind, occasioned by so much earthly business, 
 but I had no leisure till two o'clock, when I took a long 
 walk, towards the end of which I had some cheering 
 sense of the divine presence. 
 
 25. (Christmas-day.) Discontent at not having finish- 
 ed my sermon prevented me from enjoying the morning 
 of this blessed day, when so many were ofi'ering up their 
 praises for the gift. Yet on my ride to Lolworth, I re- 
 joiced in the view of my reconciliation to God, and the 
 prospect of happiness in heaven. Oh, to get beyond the 
 world, and to be among men as if I were elsewhere, with 
 my life hid with Christ in God, — how sweet and peaceful ! 
 
 27. Preparing all day for the evening ; I was obliged 
 to rally my sinking faith continually, tbat I might not 
 shrink from it, nor be blinded by the sensual feastings 
 of this day, from perceiving the excellency of spiritual 
 exercises. 
 
 28. The morning was spent very un,profitably, from 
 
1804] JOURNAb. 75 
 
 not having had a fixed plan. Lost much time in looking 
 out for a text for next Sunday; yet found some devotion in 
 learning some of the cxixth Psalm. Called at the alms- 
 houses, and was perplexed at the accusation vv^hich two^ 
 I believe, real Christians, made against each other as 
 being hypocrites. In the evening, the first leisure I 
 had gained after a long interval, I hoped to draw near 
 to God by his word and prayer ; but Bishop Home, 
 whom I took as a companion to the Psalms, raised in 
 me contemptuous thoughts, which do great injury to the 
 soul. However, that blessed man Baxter, in his 
 * Saint's Rest,' was enabled to kindle such a degree of 
 devotion and love, as I have long been a stranger to. 
 I strove to keep the future happiness of heaven steadily 
 in view, but the want of a humble spirit made these 
 contemplations appear delusive. 
 
 Jan. 1, 1804. Preached in the afternoon at Trinity 
 Church with seriousness, but with little feeling. Visited 
 a house in Wall's Lane after church, where I met with 
 two men, to whom I gave, I think, a clear and con- 
 vincing warning. I exhorted my hearers this day to 
 think on their ways. May I think of mine ! On the 
 review of my journal of the last year, I perceive it has 
 been of late becoming a diary of my life, instead of 
 being a register of my state of mind. And this is to be 
 attributed, partly to sloth, and partly to having devoted 
 too much time and attention to the outward and public 
 duties of the ministry. But this has been a mistaken 
 conduct. For I have learned, that neglect of much and 
 fervent communion with God in meditation and prayers, 
 is not the way to redeem time, nor to fit me for public 
 ministrations. Nevertheless, I judge that I have grown 
 in grace in the course of the last year ; for the bent of 
 my desire is towards God, more than when I thought I 
 was going out as a missionary, though vastly less than 
 I expected it would have been by this time. In heaven- 
 ly contemplation and abstraction from the world, my 
 attainments have fallen far short of my expectations : 
 in love to man, I perceive little or no increase. But in 
 
76 JOURNAL. [1804 
 
 a sense of my own worthlessness and guilt, and in a 
 consequent subjugation of the will, and in a disposition 
 for labour and active exertion, I am inclined to 
 think myself gaining ground. I have had few seasons 
 of joy since my ordination ; for many of the duties of the 
 ministry hav£ called to light the hidden evils of my 
 corrupted heart, and my exertions in prayer have been 
 to keep them under. I have however much to com- 
 plain of in slothfulness in that duty, — that I do not stir 
 up myself to lay hold upon God ; yet my soul approves 
 thoroughly the life of God, and my only desire is to 
 live entirely devoted to him. Oh may I live very near 
 to him the ensuing year, and follow the steps of Christ 
 and his holy saints ! It will be attended with much 
 self-denial and warfare, nevertheless it yieldeth the 
 peaceable fruits of righteousness to them who are exer- 
 cised thereby. I have resigned in profession the riches, 
 the honours, and the comforts of this world, and I think 
 it is also a resignation of the heart. 
 
 2. Spent, I hardly know how, very unprofitably ; 
 for want of a previous regulation for a time of leisure. 
 
 3. A sense of my present deadness and unprofita- 
 bleness, as likewise a regard to my bodily health, deter- 
 mined me to devote the day to fasting and prayer ; but I 
 could not get near to God : in all my confessions for 
 myself as an individual, or member of the church or 
 nation, I could feel no contrition ; nevertheless, though 
 the cloud hanging over the nation, and my own pride, 
 cast a heavy gloom over my mind, with a sense of guilt, 
 and of God's displeasure, I strove against an evil heart 
 of unbelief, which tempted me to depart from the living 
 God. 
 
 4. Rose late, as I have done several times, and when 
 this is the case, I seldom begin or perform the duties of 
 the day with satisfaction. Read much of ' Edwards on 
 the Affections,' about humility, and was much pro- 
 fited. In hall and in the combination room, I sought 
 to exemplify a Christian spirit by mine, and found by 
 those moments of recollection, when I was able to do it, 
 
1804] JOURNAL. ' 77 
 
 that my usual temper and conduct differ very widely from 
 what they ought to be. In the evening my soul drew 
 near to the Lord, and pleaded with him a long time for 
 understanding and strength, to fit me for a long life of 
 warfare and constant self-denial. I prayed to see clearly 
 why I was placed here, how short the time is, how 
 excellent to labour for souls, above all to feel my desert 
 of hell, grace to enlighten my eyes in those dark and 
 gloomy seasons of outward trouble and desponding 
 faith, grace to enable me to despise the indulgence of 
 the body, not to shrink from cold, and hunger, and 
 painful labour, but to follow the Lamb wheresoever he 
 goeth, and that he would bring all these things to my 
 remembrance the next, and every succeeding day. In 
 all this I did not feel any desponding fear, against 
 which I prayed, but the contrary. But my want of 
 humiliation was apparent and painful. My soul long- 
 eth for perfection, but has not yet learnt the secret of 
 happiness, — a poor and contrite spirit. 
 
 5. I retained on my mind the savour of last night's 
 meditation : for humility seemed to be my object, 
 if not my temper. Preached on Isaiah Ixiv. 7. Oh, 
 let not my sermons rise up in judgment against me ! 
 A few friends supped with me ; but though my own 
 mind was well disposed for religious conversation, I 
 could not lead them to it. 
 
 6. Was preparing the whole day for the evening, 
 the subject, 2 Tim. i. 12, was very cheering and com- 
 forting to myself in the morning ; but after dinner I was 
 languid and indisposed to any exertion, and low-spiri- 
 ted. At the society I was very dull, both in exhorta- 
 tion and prayer, and so were the people. There were 
 but six ; with little appearance of devotion ; the sense of 
 my exceeding unprofitableness was very humbling to me : 
 yet it had not the effect of drawing me away from God, 
 and so I was contented to be thought little of by men. 
 I rightly attribute my present deadness to want of suffi- 
 cient time and tranquillity for private devotion. 
 
 7. Hoping to give some motion and liveliness to 
 
78 LETTER. [1804 
 
 my mind, I sought to give it recreation this morning, 
 by reading some of Thomson's ' Chemistry,' and Jon. 
 Edwards on ' Original Sin.' 
 
 8. Full of anxiety ; relieved at times by prayer. 
 Preached at Lolworth. Called at three of the houses, 
 and found them as ignorant of the gospel as heathens. 
 Oh, let it not appear at last, that the Lord hath hid his 
 face from them, on account of the unworthiness of their 
 teacher ! May he pour out his Spirit upon them and 
 me, that I may warn them even with tears ! On my 
 road home I met with Mr. — , and sought to im- 
 prove to his good the death of his brother. During 
 the rest of the evening, I was groaning under the most 
 dark, distrustful, and unhappy thoughts. The little 
 appearance of life-devotion among the people of Lol- 
 worth, either at public worship or at other times, and 
 returning home in a cold snowy night, had, I suppose, 
 these melancholy effects upon my mind, and made me 
 dispirited at the prospect of missionary hardships ; but 
 they would not have this effect, except on account of 
 the burden which — is to my mind ; the Psalms this 
 evening were in entire unison with my feelings. I 
 could have repeated those words many more times, 
 *' Why art thou so heavy, O my soul, why art thou so 
 disquieted within me ? " I got most nearly to peace and 
 happiness, by labouring to feel myself the meanest of 
 God's creatures, and the desert I have of being con- 
 signed over to eternal punishment. 
 
 St. John's, January 9, 1804. 
 I heard of the death of your brother, my dear Sar- 
 gent, some time ago ; but I had neither inclination nor 
 leisure to write to you immediately after. I hope the 
 first impressions of grief are now somewhat worn away, 
 but that you retain that blessed effect of sanctified 
 sorrow, a tender spirit, which to me at this time 
 appears so desirable, that I could be willing to suffer 
 any thing, or do any thing to obtain it. I should 
 judge by your account, that he could have hardly 
 
1804] LETTER. 79 
 
 attained the age of moral agency, and so we may hope 
 he is among those of whom it is said, " Of such is the 
 kingdom of heaven." I trust that the melancholy event 
 has, in answer to your prayers, been beneficial to — . 
 If not yet in the degree you could wish, yet cease not 
 to pray for her. But how can I encourage you to a 
 duty in which I am so languid myself, so seldom dis- 
 posed to " stir up myself to take hold upon God?" 
 How necessary is self-denial in this as well as every 
 other duty, through the corruption that is in us ! Some- 
 times I feel the most ardent and strong resolutions to 
 fight manfully, to exert all the powers of the soul 
 unceasingly in mortifying the flesh ; but these resolves 
 are short-lived : sometimes through forgetfulness, some- 
 times through weakness, I find myself giving way to 
 ever-craving self-indulgence * * * * 
 
 I thank you for the kind interest you take in my mis- 
 sionary plans. But unless Providence should see fit to 
 restore our property, I see no possibility of my going 
 out. Most probably after all, I shall be settled at Cal- 
 cutta, in that post which Mr. Grant is so anxious to 
 procure some one to fill : for by this the pecuniary 
 difficulties which attend my going out would be 
 removed. * # # # # 
 
 You told me some time ago, that the multiplicity of 
 business which would attend me as Mr. Simeon's 
 curate, would leave little time for reflection on my future 
 plans ; and truly I find your prediction fulfilled : for the 
 composition of sermons, and preparing for the societies, 
 confines the hours of devotion into far too smiall a 
 compass. Nevertheless I have found my spirit dis- 
 ciplined by these more active parts of the ministry, so as 
 to perform with willingness those duties from which 
 once I used to shrink. * * * * 
 
 Farewell, my dear brother, — amidst all the afflictions of 
 the gospel, and truly they are not few, we shall also be 
 made partakers of its consolations. The contemplation 
 of the eternal world is of necessity my chief happiness, 
 and your's I hope by choice : for though this world 
 
80 JOURNAL. [1804 
 
 demands your attention more than mine, you have 
 learnt to give it its right value. In our Father's house 
 there are, I humbly hope, mansions prepared for us, 
 purchased only by the blood of Jesus, who will also 
 keep that which we have committed to him till that 
 day. 
 
 H. M. 
 
 11. At the funeral of Mr. Mann, at Lolworth, felt 
 very solemnly : though the entrance into eternal joy, 
 when my body should in like manner be laid in the 
 dust, appeared too good to hope or believe. 
 
 12. During the day was thinking on Col. xiii. 
 1 — 3. Mr. — stayed an hour, and unexpectedly 
 edified me much by his conversation about repentance. 
 Walked in the afternoon, and was able to pray 
 steadily with some seriousness. Walked about with 
 Professor Farish till church-time. He observed that 
 if I went out under the patronage of the East India 
 company, there would be more danger of worldly- 
 mindedness : on my own account I should prefer a state 
 of poverty. Was more perplexed than ever this even- 
 ing about — but that only determined me to leave the 
 matter entirely to God. 
 
 13. Was dissatisfied at not rising so early as I 
 might : these instances of self-indulgence have a very 
 bad effect on my temper. Engaged on reflecting on the 
 same subject as yesterday. Drank tea in the evening 
 at — and met about fifteen or sixteen there. I deli- 
 vered the subject I had been thinking on ; but with little 
 animation. My mind enjoyed, during the rest of the 
 evening, a sweet serenity and peacefulness. It did not 
 amount to spiritual joy : yet when did I ever experience 
 such happiness in the days of my vanity ? 
 
 15. Heavy and distressed this morning ; but I found 
 in some measure, the truth of the promise, *' cast thy 
 burden on the Lord, and he shall sustain thee." Walked 
 half an hour by the river-side after dinner, endeavouring 
 to compose my mind for extempore preaching, and this 
 
1804] JOURNAL. 81 
 
 I accordingly did at St. Giles's, on Matt. v. 3 — 5, 
 though by no means to my satisfaction ; nor ever yet in 
 the pulpit, or in public addresses, have I experienced any 
 sweetness of spirit. Called on one of the old women 
 in the alms-houses, a truly contrite soul. Drank tea at 
 — ; w^as somewhat comforted in the evening by Mr. 
 Simeon's sermon on " Sing, O ye heavens, for the Lord 
 hath redeemed Jacob ; " Christ's atonement was my 
 only ground of hope and peace. How this disastrous 
 affair has deranged all my systems of reading, early 
 rising, &c. 
 
 16. Went to — ■ to breakfast, labouring to maintain 
 heavenly-mindedness and humility, but for want of 
 more reading, retirement, and private devotion, I have 
 little power over my own tempers. Read Edwards on 
 the Affections, and found some parts very convincing to 
 show me my low stature in Christ. In the morning I 
 had a most painful time of prayer, the expressions of 
 egotism w^ere so hateful that I could rather have died 
 than use them ; this was not, I conceive^ hmniliation, for 
 I felt no love towards God or man, and could make 
 no petition ; but now after reading Edwards, I was able 
 to pray with seriousness and strength, but I was unhap- 
 pily interrupted. Called at the alms-houses in the 
 afternoon, one old woman of eighty-four seemed to 
 understand the word, which was new to her. Another 
 was *' all for grace," she said ; she could not bear the law 
 and morality in preaching, manifesting a most bitter, 
 contemptuous, and proud spirit in all her language. I 
 asked her if she did not apprehend herself in danger 
 of pride. ' No,' she said, ' not particularly : ' But did not 
 she believe that the heart was naturally very proud ; * O 
 yes,' and many other things she mentioned in the same 
 strain, allowing the general topics of humiliation, but 
 admitting none of them into her own heart. She 
 related with abhorrence that she had heard a friend of 
 Mr. Simeon's preach a sermon in which the name of 
 Jesus Christ was not so much as once mentioned. 
 Might I not do the same, I replied, if I were to preach 
 
 G 
 
82 JOURNAL. [1804 
 
 on this text, ** Be not high-minded but fear." I left 
 her with those words, " If ye know these things, happy 
 are ye if ye do them." Of what an unconquerable nature 
 is spiritual pride. Went to Mr. Owen's to supper ; he 
 sometimes amused and sometimes edified me by his 
 convei^ation, but — lay as a dead weight on my mind : 
 yet I was relieved at intervals by saying, '' I will do thy 
 will O my God." Sat up till two in the morning losing 
 my time by uncontrolable wanderings of thought in 
 self-examination . 
 
 17. Was unwell with cold and headache, endea- 
 voured to consider Matt. vi. for exposition. Drank tea 
 at — , and expounded Matt. v. 3 — 5. as the company 
 by their conversation seemed particularly to need it. 
 
 18. — breakfasted and staid great part of the 
 morning. Had some freedom and comfort in prayer in 
 the middle of the day. Walked in the cloisters of Trinity, 
 and amid much carefulness and despondency, had many 
 reviving views of Christ. With some friends I could say 
 nothing. O the exceeding emptiness of my mind 
 for want of more reading of the word of God in 
 private. Dined at Professor Parish's with Owen, but 
 left them at five to go to S — 's. Here they expected, I 
 suppose, that I should begin a conversation with them, 
 but I was utterly unable, for through want of prepara- 
 tion on a subject of exhortation, I was uneasy. How- 
 ever I lifted up my heart to the Lord, and he helped me 
 to explain and enforce the beginning of the vith chap, 
 of Matt. Perhaps the people are edified through the 
 divine blessing; but my preachings and exhortations 
 fall infinitely short of what I should call good. 
 
 19. Enjoyed most dehghtful peace and joy this 
 morning in communion with God. Read some of 
 Genesis. ^ * ^ * How mortally do 
 I hate the thought. Yet certainly will I do the will 
 of God, if I be cut piece-meal. I bear in mind 
 Abraham. God's promises seemed impossible to be 
 fulfilled. Yet he obeyed, and so will I, if it be God's 
 will, though it clogs my way. To be made fit for the 
 
1804] JOURNAL. 83 
 
 work of a missionary I resigned the comforts of a mar- 
 ried life when they were dear to me, and that was a 
 severe struggle ; now" again will I put forth the hand of 
 faith, though the struggle will be far more severe. How 
 unaccountable the providence of God appears ! Yet he 
 is wise, and righteous, and good, and so, *' submissive 
 to thy will I bow." " Teach me to do thy will, for thou 
 art my God." 
 
 20. Unbelief and unhappiness this morning were 
 removed by my being able to humble myself, and 
 remember the resolutions of last night. How deficient 
 in poverty and heavenly-mindedness am I daily with my 
 pupil, yet these little events of life are proper trials of 
 Christian temper. In prayer I drew near the Lord, and 
 rejoiced to repeat before him my determination to do 
 his will. Walked with — , and tried to persuade him 
 to accept that post in Calcutta which he has been pressed 
 to fill, but to my surprise he cannot consent to leave 
 his native country. Now that my mind was easy one 
 would have thought that the prospect of the ministra- 
 tions in the evening would have been delightful. But 
 no such thing. Now that I had got rid of one difiiculty, 
 my perverted heart sought out another. ' At dinner 
 time, gloom began to gather. I was not prepared for 
 the evening ; then was I constrained to wonder at the 
 patience of God, then did I see it good to be afiiicted, 
 for the moment the rod was removed I was going 
 astray. O Lord, guide me by thy own council. It is 
 not in man to direct his steps. Do thou act towards 
 thy blind creature according to thine own wisdom and 
 love, the natural bent of my heart is to depart from 
 thee — keep me through thine own powder through faith 
 unto salvation. I see the reason w^hy Jesus would not 
 remove the thorn out of St. Paul's flesh. Now, O my 
 soul, that thou hast found rest for awhile, quicken thou 
 thy face towards heaven. Now that thine enemies 
 cease to molest thee, lose no time in getting forward, 
 O that I might feel resolved to wrestle with God ! In 
 the evening prayer I designed to have dwelt entirely on 
 
 G 2 
 
84 JOURNAL. [1804 
 
 love, that I might receive it from God, but found so 
 much reason to pray for humility that I could think of 
 nothing else. 
 
 21. Pride filled my heart with evil surmises this 
 morning when I rose. There is no living without hu- 
 mility. Found that peculiar kind of self-abhorrence in 
 prayer this morning, (as I have often felt w^hen expres- 
 sions of egotism were hateful,) which, unaccountable as 
 it may seem, always accompanies a humiliation not 
 evangelical. Or else humiliation is only of one kind, 
 namely, legal, and that which is called evangelical 
 humiliation is the peaceful frame which succeeds humi- 
 liation, not necessarily, but through grace. Considered 
 2 Titus i. 10. in order to preach on it to-morrow. 
 Found myself sinking into an earthly and unhappy spirit 
 and struggled against it, and rose above it. The livth 
 of Isaiah, and iiird and ivth of 1 John afforded me much 
 refreshment. Walked with — , not in that exercise of 
 heavenly-mindedness and love w^hich I expected, but 
 through worldly conversation, I returned home dissat- 
 isfied. After dinner the sense of my ingratitude to 
 God and indifference to the poor people at Lulworth filled 
 me with shame as having existed habitually in me. 
 Prayer, however, removed my unwillingness to duty, and 
 slothfulness, and I went forth disposed to visit the people 
 in Wall's lane. The awfulness of the ministry pressed 
 on my mind deeply. O that I might remember what it 
 is to watch for souls as those that must give account. 
 
 22. Found the presence of God in prayer at night. 
 
 23. Interrupted by preparation for my journey. I 
 went on the Telegraph to London, with my thoughts 
 taken up at first with happy views of God, but afterwards 
 they wandered dissatisfied, upon the thind^ around me. 
 
 24. Rose early, and w^ith great difficulty attained a 
 right spirit by prayer. Learnt some of Psalms xci. and 
 cxix. by heart. Walked about the streets, calling at 
 the booksellers', &c. till two o'clock. Thought little of 
 God during my walk through this great city ; when I 
 did, however, it was with much affection. Returned, and 
 
1804] JOURNAL. 85 
 
 read St. James, and Edwards on Redemption. Dis- 
 tracted by the bustle of this place, and the dissipation 
 of my thoughts through want of reading and meditation ; 
 found it hard to be collected in private, or to force my- 
 self into a clear and lively view of eternal things. 
 
 25. Called on Dr. WoUaston, and at the British 
 Museum, and attended the Gresham Lecture on Music 
 by Dr. B — . Returned, and unable to remain longer 
 in such a dissipated, unholy state, I. sought God ear- 
 nestly in prayer, and found that degree of realizing faith, 
 vv^hich is necessary for my peace. After dinner I called 
 
 on , and I stated the circumstances of my family 
 
 to him, and he seemed to think that T ought to wait 
 longer for the directions of Providence. A veil was 
 thus cast over my future proceedings, and I went away 
 bowed down in spirit. In company I forgot that sweet 
 poverty of spirit which it would become me more to 
 feel. Poor mean thing that I am ; but I am contented 
 to remain contemptible among men, so that my heart 
 be thereby made in any degree more fit for the residence 
 of God. I walked back to Mr. Bates', cheerfully re- 
 signing the conduct of this business to God. 
 
 26. Staid at home till near one ; read some Greek 
 Testament with Mr. Bates, and Jonathan Edwards on 
 Redemption. I then walked to the India House to Mr. 
 Grant, who desired I would come down to Clapham. 
 So I went with Mr. Grant, and upon the road he 
 gave me much information on the state of India. 
 He said that the language spoken by the natives who 
 lived in the English settlements, was the Hindostanee, 
 which was a mixture of several languages, Arabic, 
 Persic, Shanscrit, a sort of lingua franca, but that the 
 Bengalee was the vernacular tongue of the bulk of the 
 native inhabitants, and must be acquired by mission- 
 aries amongst the Hindoos ; that it would be absolutely 
 necessary to keep three servants,* for three can do no 
 more than the w^ork of one English ; that no European 
 constitution can endure being exposed to mid-day heat ; 
 that Mr. Swartz, who was settled at Tanjore, did do it 
 
86 . JOURNAL. [1804 
 
 for a time, walking among the natives. Mr. G. had 
 never seen Mr. Swartz, but corresponded with him. 
 He was the son of a Saxon gentleman (the Saxon 
 gentlemen never enter the ministry of the church) and 
 had early devoted himself to the work of a missionary 
 amongst the Indians. Besides the knowledge of the 
 Malabar tongue, in which he w^as profoundly skilled and 
 eloquent, he was a good classic, and learnt the English, 
 Portuguese, and Dutch. He was a man of dignified and 
 polished manners, and cheerful. We arrived at Mr. 
 Wilberforce's to dinner ; in the evening we conversed 
 about my business ; they wished me to fill the church in 
 Calcutta very much ; but advised me to wait some time 
 and to cherish the same views. To Mr. Wilberforce I 
 went into a detail of my views, and the reasons that had 
 operated on my mind. The conversation of Mr. Wil- 
 berforce and Mr. Grant during the whole of the day be- 
 fore the rest of the company, which consisted of Mr. 
 Johnson of New South Wales, a French Abb^, Mrs. 
 Unwin, Mrs. H. and other ladies, was edifying; agree- 
 able to what I should think right for two godly senators, 
 planning some means of bringing before Parliament 
 propositions for bettering the moral state of the colony 
 of Botany Bay. I had some conversation with the 
 French Abbe about the authority of the church, but for 
 want of understanding more French I could not well 
 engage in it. At evening worship, Mr. W. expounded 
 sacred scripture with serious plainness, and prayed in the 
 midst of his large household. In my room, after diffi- 
 culty at first, I realized eternal things, and retired to 
 rest in the desire of walking more closely with God. 
 
 27. Evil tempers, and dark perverted views of 
 divine things, made me unwilling to pray this morning, 
 as they often do, yet by prayer the Lord restored my 
 soul, and led me in the paths of righteousness for his 
 name' sake. I had many strong heart-searching desires 
 aftergrace and holiness, but these are like "the early dew," 
 and it is for want of a contrite spirit that my purposes 
 of keeping in view one thing are so unsteady. The 
 
1804] • JOURNAL. 87 
 
 deep-rooted pride of my heart makes God behold it afar 
 off, and throws a veil over all the bright and joyous 
 things in religion. Walked in the shrubbery, and read 
 some of Miss Hamilton on Education, till breakfast. 
 After breakfast read a French account of the death of 
 Louis XVL which the Abbe put into my hands, and 
 after some conversation wuth Mr. W. left them at one, 
 and took a place in the coach for London ; had an 
 opportunity of speaking to the landlady on the wicked- 
 ness of not going to church ; and on the coach-box 
 with the driver, I was talking to him all the way ; some 
 of it he received very well, other parts not. Mr. S. 
 called on me this morning after my return, and with 
 him afterwards I had a really religious conversation. 
 In prayer before dinner, after much pain, I drew 
 near to God, and received strength and seriousness. 
 After being much in company, I declined as usual 
 in spirit, but the music and the sight of a rural scene 
 of solitude had the effect of fixing my thoughts on 
 heaven . 
 
 28. My whole morning prayer was taken up as 
 much of late in labouring after a humble and contrite 
 spirit. Drank tea at Mr. Newton's ; the old man was 
 very civil to me, and striking in his remarks in general ; 
 but few being disposed to speak, and he deaf, the con- 
 versation on the origin of sacrifices, a subject I proposed 
 according to his desire, was not much illustrated. On 
 my return I found myself unhappy in mind, and un- 
 happy in heart, but by prayer and reading some scrip- 
 ture, I recovered. This text which I met, gave me many 
 glad and instructive thoughts. " If any man serve me 
 let him follow me, and where I am there shall my ser- 
 vant be." Read in the evening to Mrs. — , * Burke on 
 the Sublime,' and had in the course of it, an instructive 
 conversation on contrition of heart ; she wished to feel 
 it more, and I know it is the one thing needful for my 
 peace. 
 
 29. (Sunday) Read Isaiah liv. after breakfast, with 
 some consideration and profit. . . . On coming home, I 
 
88 JOURNAL. [1804 
 
 retired to my room, and had a most affecting reading 
 of Isaiah Hii. The arm of the Lord seemed to be 
 revealed to me. What manner of love was it that the 
 Lord should be pleased to bruise him. I found it in 
 my heart to grieve at the sufferings of Christ, and the 
 sins that occasioned them, and not to seek for any of 
 this world's enjoyments, when Christ was such a man of 
 sorrows and acquainted with grief. I hoped that my 
 soul would have been tender and humble the remaining 
 part of the day. After evening church, drank tea with 
 Mr. S. and had a very profitable religious conversation ; 
 he seemed to desire we should part with prayer, but as 
 my mind was rather distracted, I went away without it, 
 but my heart smote me afterwards, accusing me of sloth. 
 In prayer at night had many sweet thoughts of God's 
 pardoning love, and protecting power, and interceded 
 with unusual earnestness for my dear sister. 
 
 31. Began the day in hopes of being able to keep 
 steadily in view the eternal world, and to walk humbly 
 with God. Alas ! I have little fear of God before ray 
 eyes, and seem to belittle aware of the peremptory com- 
 mandment of God. I go on from day to day indulging 
 indeed no sin in my heart, yet feebly pressing towards 
 the mark ; yet I seem to imagine that a slight review of 
 the defects of each day is sufficient, * * * 
 * * * May the Lord give me repentance 
 
 unto life, open my eyes and give me a holy fear, lest 
 after having preached to others I myself should become 
 a castaway. Read Isaiah — at one we went to hear the 
 charge delivered to the missionaries at the New London 
 Tavern in Cheapside. There was nothing remarkable 
 in it, but the conclusion was affecting. I shook hahds 
 with the two missionaries, Melchior Rayner, and Peter 
 Hartwig, and almost wished to go with them but cer- 
 tainly to go to India. 
 
 Returned and read Isaiah, and retired in hopes of 
 holding communion with God, and receiving strength 
 for the remaining part of the day. But whilst I was 
 beginning to intercede for some of my dearest friends 
 
1804] JOURNAL. 89 
 
 (in which I am very irregular) and especially for the two 
 missionaries I was called down by some friends. The 
 afternoon passed in much Christian conversation, and in 
 the evening went to London Stone Church, where — 
 preached on *' the blood of sprinkling, which speaketh 
 better things than that of Abel." What do I know, as he 
 asked, of the cleansing efficacy of the blood of Christ ? 
 The continually open fountain of that precious blood 
 is an encouragement to me to come for pardon after 
 repeated falls, but do I not walk less carefully under the 
 covenant of grace than I should do under the covenant 
 of works ? 
 
 Feb. 1. Read Isaiah, and endeavoured to think 
 about a sermon for Sunday. Walked with M. to the 
 British Museum, and though I saw there much for 
 which I could at times glorify God, — as the varieties of 
 birds, fishes, reptiles, minerals, &c. and the works of his 
 intelligent creatures, — I was plagued with the workings 
 of an evil, proud, selfish, dissipated, discontented heart. 
 
 2. Left London and came to Cambridge. At first on 
 the road my thoughts ascended freely to God, and my 
 remarks were lively, and I began to think with pleasure 
 on my Sunday's sermon, but I soon grew tired. 
 
 3. Went to bed. with an earnest and hopeful desire 
 of living in poverty of spirit and a sense of my own 
 unworthiness. 
 
 4. The temper I wished to retain was a source of 
 great tranquillity to me this morning. I was rather 
 oppressed with care, yet I checked the suggestions of 
 sloth by considering the example of Christ and his 
 ministers in the present day, and was rather humbled as 
 I ought to be, that I did not feel a burning zeal for the 
 salvation of the poor Lolworth people, which would 
 make it sweet to preach the Gospel. Employed all the 
 rest of the evening in thinking of my sermon. In 
 prayer at night, at w^hatever part of myself I looked, an 
 immense change seemed to be necessary. Except for 
 more zeal I could only pray again and again, " Create 
 in me anew heart, and renew a right spirit within me." 
 
90 JOURNAL. [1804 
 
 5. (Sunday.) In preaching at Lolworth was more 
 serious than usual, and felt an earnest desire to per- 
 suade them to commit their souls to Christ. After 
 church called at two of the cottages. In one the 
 man, the father of a large family, and in the other 
 the mother, of whom I expected better things, told 
 me in the course of conversation that they used the 
 belief as their favourite prayer at night. I was per- 
 fectly shocked, not only at their accounting this prayer, 
 but also that, after having heard the gospel so long, 
 they should not at least know better. During my ride 
 home I was much depressed at reflecting on their 
 extreme ignorance, yet through the miserable perverse- 
 ness of my heart, instead of pitying them I felt the 
 strongest dislike to going to Lolworth, or to any such 
 kind of work. What a spirit for a missionary ! But I 
 looked up steadily to Christ, and though the prospect 
 of such uncomfortable ministerial labours damped my 
 spirits, yet I encouraged myself with the examples of 
 Christ and his wise and holy servants, now with him in 
 glory, who once passed their lives in such services. I 
 I considered too that such difficulties were beforehand 
 to be expected, and that unless I suffered with him I 
 should not reign with him. To these arguments I was 
 obliged to have recourse, for the love of God and of 
 souls was not uppermost in my thoughts. 
 
 6. All my prayers should be full of important 
 petitions, and should be attended with so much dili- 
 gence as to make me remember the subjects of 
 them, and wait for answers. Yet I scarcely remember 
 about what I prayed this morning. At dinner to-day I 
 fell again into that self-indulgence which I determine to 
 avoid. Want of self-denial in the little things, which 
 concern the body, &c. unspeakably enervates the soul, 
 and wounds the conscience. I sat down in the evening 
 to read the Scriptures for my own comfort, and was able 
 to give many hours to it uninterruptedly. I collected 
 all the passages from the four gospels that had any 
 reference to self-denial. It is a subject I need to preach 
 
1804] JOURNAL. . 91 
 
 about to myself, and mean to do to others. How 
 unspeakably awful is the latter part of Mark ix. Oh I 
 have I considered what it is to be in hell for ever, and 
 that my sin really deserves hell. O Holy Spirit decide 
 my mind when it is doubtful. Let me perceive how 
 rich the mercy is for me to be permitted to flee from 
 the wrath to come. Let me see how slight are the 
 trials I am called to endure for the gospel's sake. And 
 let the ministerial work to which I often have carnal 
 objections, be my dear delight. 
 
 7. Oppressed with care this morning for want of 
 time to prepare for the evening. Walked with Mr. S. 
 who advised me not to preach extempore yet, so I shall 
 desist. * * My soul trembles often, lest my 
 repentance should not be deep enough, or lest my sins 
 should be unpardonable. But the blood of Jesus Christ 
 cleanseth from all sin, and if there is any state of mind 
 I desire, it is not joy, but grief; for then I feel my 
 footing surer — am better disposed to diligence, sym- 
 pathy, and heavenly-mindedness. 
 
 8. Did not endeavour to maintain that child-like, 
 humble, serious frame, which is the desire of my re- 
 flecting hours. Prepared for the evening in a more 
 cheerful spirit than heretofore. But during my walk, 
 anxiety on that account constantly damped those sweet 
 and heavenly thoughts which, at intervals, arose in my 
 mind. Made the reflection at dinner, which I have 
 often had occasion to make when I have been most 
 oppressed, that even this condition is infinitely prefer- 
 able to that of those whose minds are discontented in 
 the pursuit of dangerous trifles, whereas my trials, which 
 either arise from ministerial or Christian duties, are for 
 my present and eternal welfare. Let not the Lord be 
 provoked at my continual obstinacy, for I am indeed as 
 a bullock unaccustomed to the yoke, but may He, by his 
 own gracious influences, subdue my stubborn will. 
 
 Drank tea at 's. There were so many people 
 
 crowded in a very small room, that my faculties were 
 quite clouded. I found great difficulty in explaining the 
 
92 JOURNAL. [1804 
 
 first chapter of Revelation, and was very unprofitable, 
 and, what was worse, my heart went not forth ; as it 
 seldom does. When I came to the part, '^ to him that 
 loved us," &c. where, if anywhere, my tongue should 
 have been loosed, I could say nothing, and it was for 
 want of a contrite spirit. When I knelt down to pray, 
 it seemed as if I had not a word to say, yet I found 
 myself soon at ease, and particularly disposed to dwell 
 on the prospect of the world to come. 
 
 9. Read some Psalms before church, but found I 
 had been getting into shortness in prayer. How can I 
 expect the comforting and sanctifying presence of God, 
 without " watching unto prayer with all perseverance ? " 
 At church preached on ** Enoch walked with God." 
 O how much is contained in that text ! What holy 
 breathings of soul, what familiarity with God ! What 
 acquaintance with his ways. It was to-day my constant 
 desire, though not my attainment, to be truly humbled ; 
 without this temper I cannot pray aright. It is a hard 
 proud heart, that keeps me from rejoicing in God. 
 
 10. Rose earlier than for some time. Considered 
 the latter part of Ezekiel xvi. for an hour or two. In 
 prayer about this time, I desired the true spirit of con- 
 trition, but for want of variety in expression for prayers 
 for this grace, my petititions slip through my own mind 
 unheeded, the words not exciting corresponding ideas. 
 The subject I was considering this morning, namely, 
 why we should sorrow for sin when it is forgiven, was 
 very comforting. I expect more profit yet from the 
 further prosecution of it. 
 
 11. When I walked, enjoyed much delight in the 
 happiness of a soul bought with blood. I had a more 
 clear view of the glory of the dispensation of redemp- 
 tion than ever, and felt also assured of future glory. 
 How trifling then did all expected difficulties appear, 
 though these happy momients soon passed away, yet 
 blessed be the Lord for them. Such Elim refreshments 
 encourage me to urge my dreary way with speed through 
 the wilderness. 
 
1804] JOURNAL. 93 
 
 12. Had some desires in prayer for the good of my 
 Lolworth people. On my ride thither, I was in general 
 able to cleave to God, though sorrowful, and to be 
 unconcerned about the comforts or distresses of the 
 body. Preached on the parable of the Publican and 
 Pharisee, a written sermon, clear and generally, I 
 believe, understood. Called at three of the houses, two 
 of the masters of them were serious men, in whom I 
 was much comforted. Before the sermon I had prayed as 
 in a void and barren place, to which God would not 
 vouchsafe his presence, but now I rode away in a more 
 cheerful mood. 
 
 13. I took my walk in great distress about my want 
 of preparation for the evening, yet I put my trust in 
 God, and seemed to feel a spark of grace amidst all 
 these billows of corruption and trouble. Indeed I seem 
 used to these trials, and the remembrance of past assist- 
 ance helps me onward. The part I took was Ezek. 
 xvi. 6. but I got on with difficulty ; in prayer rather 
 better. When shall I minister with a heavenly sweet- 
 ness in my own heart ? when shall I have high and ex- 
 alted views of this glorious ministration of the Spirit ? 
 In prayer at night, I had a solemn sense of the presence 
 of God, and was conscious that he heard me. 
 
 14. Having no urgent business to seize my mind 
 this day, I enjoyed for a while the liberty of being dis- 
 engaged, but it had the effect of leading my heart astray. 
 Sat down to read at last, with a more serious sobriety 
 of mind. O what happiness is there in a heart weaned 
 from the world, and undisturbed by its perplexing 
 vanities. But I am very far from a steady enjoy- 
 ment of these things. More frequently I only feel a 
 momentary desire and wish to enjoy such a frame. 
 Read the beginning of the Acts, with some profit. In 
 
 prayer at the society and with afterwards, found 
 
 to my sorrow that I am acquiring an unthinking fluency. 
 O let me learn to watch my spirit, and seek to pray in 
 secret, earnestly, in a heart-searching manner ! 
 
 15. Read this morning Kichener's account of his 
 
94 JOURNAL. [1804 
 
 success in Africa. I felt a happy delight arising from 
 the account. Omitted one of the parties (which I had 
 in a manner promised to attend) thinking it right to 
 appropriate more time to myself. I had some little 
 doubt whether I was doing right, but begged of God 
 that I might improve the time I had taken for myself. 
 Nevertheless, I accepted without thinking, an invitation 
 from Mr. Simeon to drink tea, where I met ^ ^ 
 
 L. with his fulness of anecdote engrossed the whole 
 conversation, so that I went away at eight o'clock with 
 the dissatisfied comdction of having lost two hours. 
 Went home eager to read, and began to think upon 
 Mark viii. 36. but spent several hours in vain attempts 
 to define the extent of self-denial, and to define it at 
 all. Alas ! the days that I lose. I am an unprofitable 
 servant, Lord, teach me to redeem my time. 
 
 16. Breakfasted with M. and B. but, though I had 
 solemnly engaged in prayer with a sense of the import- 
 ance of a deep seriousness, and earnest improvement of 
 the talents of conversation, I was neither profitable nor 
 sober-minded. Thought about Mark viii. 36. with very 
 little better success during the whole morning. Prayed 
 over the promises in Isaiah xli. 42, 43. 
 
 17. A despicable indulgence in lying in bed this 
 morning gave me such a view of the dangerous softness 
 of my character, that I resolved on my kness, to live a 
 life of far more self-denial than I had ever yet done, 
 and to begin with little things. Accordingly, I ate my 
 breakfast standing at a distance from the fire, and stood 
 reading at the window during the morning, though the 
 thermometer stood at the freezing point. I was so cold 
 that I did not get on much in my work of sermon ; but 
 the efi^ect on the flow of my thoughts was very sur- 
 prising, the tone and vigour of my mind rose rapidly. 
 No expected difficulty daunted me, but seemed to stimu- 
 late me to encounter it. I rejoiced that God had made 
 this life a time of trial. To climb the steep ascent, to 
 run, to fight, to wrestle, was the strong desire of my 
 heart. I was sometimes in doubt whether this were 
 
1804] JOURNAL. 95 
 
 not merely the vain and proud spirit of heathen sages ; 
 but passages enough of scripture occurred to remind me 
 that the spirit of the gospel was self-denying. As I 
 walked afterwards, this temper still remained. All those 
 duties from which I usually shrunk, seemed but recrea- 
 tions, and the sight of the vaulted roof of azure, bid me 
 aspire to reach it by treading in the footsteps of Christ. 
 At five, went to Mr. P.'s, and without clearness spoke to 
 them on " Thy will be done.'* Went away feeling the 
 iniquity of my holy things, for though fluent in prayer, 
 I found myself unimpressed with the ordinance at which 
 I had been ministering. Passed the rest of the evening 
 in writing on Ezek. xxxvii. 11 — 13. 
 
 18. Employed most of the day in writing on the 
 same subject as yesterday. In prayer at noon inter- 
 ceded seriously for the people at Lol worth. I prayed 
 particularly that I might take delight in being with 
 them, and wait in faith for the time when this wilder- 
 ness should begin to blossom. In my walk had too 
 much lightness of spirit. Conversed with an old man 
 on the road, who seemed to have a serious concern, but 
 was building on his own foundation. I preached to 
 him Jesus Christ. He seemed to receive the doctrines 
 without emotions of any kind, but I hope these truths 
 will be found to suit him the next time he is in fear. 
 
 I indulged the pleasing hope, that I had been sent 
 to him, as Philip to the Eunuch. 
 
 ■ This is my birth-day. Twenty-three years have 
 elapsed since I saw the hght, only four of which have 
 been professedly given to God. Much has been left 
 undone, much, very much remains to be done in alter- 
 ing my views as a Christian and a minister. Yet my 
 past experience of the long-sufl^ering of God, leaves me 
 in no doubt of being carried on all the way. My desires 
 at first were half true and half false ; but now I feel 
 that my heart is whole for heaven, and the world in the 
 main behind my back. Yet its passing vanities, and 
 the flesh kept under too little, make me gain little 
 ground. Praised be the Lord for his mercy, for his 
 
96 JOURNAL. [1804 
 
 patience, for it is that which the last year has taught me 
 to understand. The number of my days is exactly 
 fixed in his purpose. O may I glorify thee on the earth, 
 and finish the work thou givest me to do through Jesus 
 Christ! 
 
 19. (Sunday.) Many happy and heavenly thoughts 
 were kept out of my mind, by reading at church instead of 
 praying there. Preached at Lolworth, on Ezek. xxxvii. 
 11 — 13, but not intelligibly, and without animation. 
 The two families on whom I called afterwards, seemed 
 incapable of comprehending or attending to any saving 
 truths. Was greatly dejected when riding home, on 
 account of their ignorance and my want of zeal. Alas ! 
 how can I expect they should feel life from my preach- 
 ing, if I have it not myself. Yet I feel disposed to 
 labour in prayer for improvement. 
 
 20. Morning passed with pupils, and preparing for 
 the evening. I found after dinner, the presence of my 
 God in prayer ; how great is his mercy, that without 
 any particular meditation or reading, he permitted me 
 to speak freely, aud to look oif for a time from those 
 concerns, even of a religious kind, which, through my 
 weakness, either of knowledge or faith, often- distress 
 and burden me. After giving the afternoon to the sub- 
 ject, I went very cheerfully to Mr. Phillips's, and spoke 
 on the subject of temptation, from the words, '' God 
 did tempt Abraham." Stammered out some very 
 unintelligible things, which did not seem at all to 
 engage their attention. Went away humbled and 
 grieved at the iniquity of my holy things. If ever my 
 ministrations are of use, it is the Lord who makes 
 them so. 
 
 2 1 . How many dark and uncertain days in the years 
 of my pilgrimage. Finding it impossible to prepare for 
 the evening, I went to request S — to go in my stead, 
 but he was out of town. This was some vexation to 
 me, yet I endeavoured to make it an occasion of faith, 
 for I thought that if I were going about the work of 
 God, he would give me grace to perform it. W — 
 
1804] JOURNAL. 97 
 
 called on me to walk, but as my heart was heavy, I 
 could not introduce with success any religious topic, but 
 rather I fear, betrayed a satirical temper, which 1 detest, 
 conceiving it to be the most opposite to a Christian 
 temper of any. * * "^ O let me live in a 
 
 holy superiority to those earthly things which would 
 tempt me to sin by producing anger. After a busy day 
 sat up very late to gain a few moments to read. Read 
 Brown's remarks on the latter part of Genesis, with 
 some comfort and profit. Never a day comes with- 
 out annoyances. Every day my will is thwarted. Let 
 these trials but issue in my sanctitication, and I will 
 welcome them all. I trust and hope that from them 
 I have learned in a great degree the evil of sin, a 
 humbled and tender spirit, and a subjugation of the will 
 to God. Yet amid these trials of my faith and pa- 
 tience, my walk is not close with God, as far as it 
 regards the manifestations of his presence. I seem to 
 pray to a God not angry, but indifferent about my 
 prayers. This I know to be occasioned by my not 
 reading Scripture enough for myself; for if I were in 
 company with another Being, I should not be much the 
 better for his presence, however much I might speak to 
 him, unless I were to hear his voice. 
 
 22. Rose full of dark and fearful thoughts, but soon 
 became easier by recollection and prayer. 
 
 23. Stayed up so late last night, that I could rise 
 but just in time to receive C — to breakfast ; but it was 
 neither a time of profitable conversation, nor an exer- 
 cise to me of a heavenly temper. After he was gone, 
 I sat down to read a newspaper, forgetful of having had 
 no prayer ; and though I recollected this in the middle of 
 it, I continued reading, thinking with myself, that I 
 might as well finish, and so have done with it. In 
 prayer afterwards I hardly knew in what manner to 
 approach God, and how to address him. I could not 
 dare to confess the sinfulness of that which, if I con- 
 fessed, it, would be a profession of my having delibe- 
 rately disobeyed the dictates of my conscience, the 
 
 H 
 
98 ~ JOURNAL. [1804 
 
 moment before ; ^Yhich I was not convinced that I 
 had. 
 
 24. Rose at half-past five with great difficulty, and 
 after a long deliberation, so little have I been in the 
 habit lately of not listening to the body. In prayer, new 
 and original subjects of petition seemed to open before me. 
 
 25. The leisure hours of the morning were employed 
 in writing a sermon. Omitted walking, through a self- 
 indulgent dislike of a cold wind which blew, but loitered 
 about instead, and in consequence was dull and unfit 
 for writing during the rest of the day. 
 
 I was quite overcome with sleep in the evening, till 
 on going to prayer I recovered myself; but my prayers, 
 though generally four times a day at least, are very poor 
 and short. I do not engage in the duty unwillingly, 
 but I am satisfied with a narrow and short transition, 
 from things temporal to things eternal. 
 
 26. (Sunday.) Strove to maintain such a sense of 
 the blessedness of the Sabbath, of the composure of 
 mind which becomes me, of the excellency of preaching 
 the gospel, of the earnest desire it behoves me to feel for 
 the salvation of souls, as I knew I ought to feel, and 
 then did feel. On my ride to Lolworth, w^as more right 
 in spirit than I have been for some time past. The 
 inclemency of the weather affected me less ; I found the 
 presence of God in my heart, with which I felt that the 
 most dark and dreary place would be pleasant. I offered 
 up my prayers also for the poor people to whom I was 
 going ; but alas ! my desires for their salvation were so 
 small, that I ought to be ashamed to mention them, 
 and grieved before God. Preached on the parable of 
 the lost sheep ; a blessed subject, yet my manner of 
 writing and speaking made it, I am afraid, of little use ; 
 but I prayed that God would not make my weakness a 
 reason of its not profiting them. I thought it right to 
 accept an invitation to drink tea with Mr. — at Lol- 
 wortb, in hope of being able to conciliate him. 
 
 Mr. Simeon's sermon this evening, on Ezek. xxxvi. 
 32, was very humiliating to me. The hymn before the 
 
1804] JOURNAL. 99 
 
 sermon, in behalf of ministers, seemed to draw down a 
 blessing at the time upon my soul. 
 
 27. Very narrow in my petitions this morning, 
 chiefly on one point, that my business might not con- 
 fuse my thoughts, and lead me away from God, which 
 I think was answered. During my walk I felt an 
 aching void. My heart was not forcing itself from 
 God's service, or to sin, but it was unable to find any 
 subject of desire, or fear, or occasion of prayer, except 
 that light and earnestness might be given me. This 
 extreme emptiness must be owing, I think, to not 
 reading more of his word in private devotion, which I 
 have determined to do, for it is a duty superior to the 
 duties of the ministry, which indeed I cannot perform 
 well without it. Yet the pressure of business tempts 
 me to shorten the time which ought to be devoted to 
 God. After dinner, found a few moments of prayer of 
 blessed effect in recalling my mind. Sat till four with 
 two old wom.en at the alms-house, and then went to 
 Farish's lecture ; from that time till nine employed 
 about a sermon to little purpose. Got on afterwards with 
 my sermon a few pages, for which I felt thankful. 
 
 29. Employed about my sermon all leisure hours. 
 I was more serious than for some time, and during 
 my walk, felt and lamented the evil of faithless prayers, 
 and irreverent ejaculations. 
 
 Afarch J . During my walk I had not humiliation 
 enough to be happy, but yet I was so impressed with 
 the necessity of self-denial, that no further difficulty 
 terrified me. Was much affected with an apostrophe 
 at the end of Biddulph's account of D — 's death. 
 
 2. At night about my sermon, read the latter end of 
 Revelations, and so very lively was the impression on 
 my mind, that I was often in tears. So awful, so 
 awakening is this book to me. Prayed with more fer- 
 vour than I have done of late, and went to bed full of 
 the sense of the importance of eternal things, and of 
 living every day as my last. 
 
 6. In the morning I sought to rouse myself to 
 
 H 2 
 
100 JOURNAL. [1804 
 
 greater earnestness in prayer, and enjoyed some freedom 
 in it. It was my earnest desire to walk in the fear of 
 God's holy name, and to have a more awful alarm 
 about my state, and to dread his displeasure. Read 
 and prayed on John xiv, and was peaceful in the course 
 of my walk out. Looked at an iron foundry in Wall's 
 Lane : the fierce fire raised many solemn ideas of God's 
 power, and of hell. 
 
 7. Vexed at my loss of time. At church this mor- 
 ning I began to read the service with the most daring 
 indifference, as if it were a loss of time, not regarding 
 the presence of that great God before whom I minis- 
 tered, but afterwards he had mercy on me, and taught 
 me to tremble ; my vexatious murmuring at loss of time 
 continued afterwards, but during my walk I recovered 
 tranquillity, and reflected that I could never be more 
 profitably employed than in doing his will, and that if 
 that called me out of doors, it was my duty to enjoy his 
 presence wherever I went. Composed some poetry 
 during my walk, which often has a tendency to divert 
 my thoughts from the base distractions of this life, and 
 to purify and elevate it to higher subjects. Visited — 
 and then the work-house, and one of the women in the 
 alms-house. 
 
 On my return to my rooms, read Hopkins with 
 great delight, and felt disposed to find all my happiness 
 in prayer, reading God's word, and in the work of the 
 ministry. O may these motions of the good Spirit of 
 God never be taken away, through the wickedness of 
 my own heart ; but what wonders of long-suffering and 
 of grace do I experience from God every day ! ** Where 
 sin hath abounded, grace doth much more abound." 
 May it reign through righteousness unto eternal life. 
 
 8. During my walk, my mind was too much en- 
 gaged in the composition of poetry, which I found to 
 leave me far short of that sweetness I seemed in a frame 
 to enjoy. Yet on the spot where I have often found 
 the presence of God, the spirit of prayer returned ; but 
 I never continue long enough in the exercise of it to 
 
1804] JOURNAL. 101 
 
 profit much. I feel the need of setting apart the first 
 day I can for the restoration of my soul by solemn 
 prayer, for my views of eternity are becoming very dim 
 and transient ; prayed with fervour and sincerity, I hope, 
 for myself, lest envy should arise in my wretched heart, 
 * * * I could not have believed but 
 
 that I was next to perfectly indifferent about worldly 
 honour, but I was now convinced of the contrary. 
 Alas ! how much more ready and disposed am I to 
 prefer in myself intellectual attainments to moral, and 
 more willing to allow my own inferiority in this latter 
 rather than in the former. In my endeavours to rise 
 beyond the mean vanities of human glory, my soul 
 enjoyed many precious thoughts of eternity, and thus I 
 perceive how every disquiet operates for the good of 
 God's children, by stirring them up to pray. Oh how 
 rich the mercy, to have one to w^hom to apply for deli- 
 verance from these malignant passions ! and how needful 
 is purification from the filthiness of the spirit I I have 
 seldom considered myself as even liable to envy. I feel 
 considerable pain at being surpassed in learning or 
 abilities by those of the same age, but little or none at 
 my inferiority in moral acquirements. That this is the 
 fact I cannot doubt, if I know my own mind. How is 
 it to be accounted for ? The manner most favourable 
 to myself, in which I should account for it, is that any 
 body may advance as far as he will in moral endow- 
 ments, but not so in intellectual, and the value of the 
 object is enhanced by the difficulty of attaining it. 
 
 9. I read Smith on the ' Sacred Office,' and ac- 
 quired many awakening and quickening impressions 
 from that work. I trust that it will be blest by God to 
 my good, for I felt many holy desires of being truly a man 
 of prayer and heavenly-mindedness. Henceforth may I 
 be so, but at present I am a poor creature. Blind, yet 
 believing, I see ; almost dead, yet believing, I live. 
 
 10. Rose in a temper of calmness, but passed my 
 leisure hours unprofitably, for w^ant of exerting myself 
 more. The conviction of my unprofitableness stirred 
 
102 JOURNAL. [1804 
 
 me up to pray with some earnestness over part of 
 1 Timothy, but so dwelt upon my mind during my 
 w^hole walk, that I could not raise my heart to God 
 with any delight. 
 
 On my favourite spot, the scene of many sacred 
 thoughts, my Bethel, into which I hope never to enter 
 v>athout a holy awe, and never to leave without a bles- 
 sing, I knelt down and prayed for relief to my soul. I 
 think my prayer was answ^ered, for I found myself more 
 at peace. 
 
 13. My heart again this morning filled me with 
 evil thoughts and unwillingness to approach God, from 
 whom I had received so lately such unexpected favours 
 and mercies. Yet in prayer it assumed a different 
 temper. During my walk I sought without much 
 success to have a rejoicing of hope by trust in God, 
 in spite of the thoughts that arose to depress my 
 mind. 
 
 14. Why do I not always maintain a humble, seri- 
 ous, and loving spirit? 
 
 15. Rose early, and passed the day in the enjoy- 
 ment of considerable peace. In the morning I got on 
 in my sermon with ease, and found the subject of unbe- 
 lief attended wdth a blessing to myself. The passages 
 adduced to obviate unbelief, were so influential upon 
 my mind, that I found myself drawn nearer to God, 
 and able to walk with him in tranquillity. Oh, what an 
 incitement to holiness is it, that in no one case is it 
 right to depart from God. 
 
 Whether from negligence or necessary business, I 
 had no reading of God's word all the day. This is an 
 evil that must be remedied, though I hardly know how 
 to effect it. Public ministrations take up my time and 
 thoughts too much, though too little of my heart. I 
 ought to make my own soul's increase of grace and 
 love to God, my great and primary concern, and to leave 
 my outward ministrations to Him, whom I may safely 
 trust to for assistance, if I walk strictly in his ways. I 
 often regret that I am not a private Christian, but when 
 
1804] JOURNAL. 103 
 
 I was, my soul was not fixed on spiritual things, even 
 as it is now. 
 
 17. I had many careful thoughts and unbelieving 
 fears in my walk, and found great difficulty in getting 
 on in my sermon, and great interruption, and much 
 fatigue and dishke to the service of Christ, but looked 
 up to heaven for support, and repeated those words, 
 " I know that for my name's sake thou hast laboured 
 and hast not fainted." 
 
 18. (Sunday.) Employed about sermon till church 
 time, during the service enjoyed much delight. 
 
 Mr. Simeon's sermon in the evening was very awful, 
 and reached my conscience. 
 
 19. By rising late I was short in prayer, yet I can 
 almost always reach beyond the world, partly indeed 
 by the help of imagination. iVll the morning I was 
 
 with and went aw^ay in great sorrow; but in prayer 
 
 I again and again professed to resign all my will to 
 God, and in that spirit to wait for the manifestation of 
 his. The rest of this afternoon I was continually temp- 
 ted to misery and unbelief in departing from God, but 
 by ejaculatory prayer I kept my ground. 
 
 Read some chapters in Exodus afterwards, and had 
 my heart solemnly impressed with the mighty power of 
 God. On the whole, though I have studied little, and 
 done nothing for the good of others, I have found it an 
 occasion of shewing me the love and power of God. 
 These faint glimmerings of the knowledge of God, 
 make me desire to know him more, and to long after 
 that life where I shall know even as I am known. 
 
 20. My spirit groans at my unprofitableness. For 
 want of study, and diligence in redeeming time, my 
 mind is empty and unsatisfied. Stayed an hour with 
 — , and employed the rest of the morning in writing and 
 reading from * Edwards on the Affections,' without 
 gaining any knowledge. Have not yet got into its spi- 
 rit. In my walk, my heart was not fixed upon God, nor 
 upon any thing else. After dinner was with — till 
 four, then I sat with a party at Mr. Simeon's till seven. 
 
104 JOURNAL. .[1804 
 
 then with my pupil till ten. Thus the day was passed, 
 no Scripture read, seldom in prayer to God, no poor 
 people visited, no knowledge gained in a day which 
 should have been taken up in right and improving 
 exercises, as I had no particular engagement. How 
 angry I feel at myself, and I hardly know for what. I 
 can hardly tell how to reform my mode of life, so as to 
 gain time. But earnestly does my soul long to live a 
 life of piety and prayer. 
 
 2 1 . Resolved to set apart the chief part of this day 
 for solemn prayer and humiliation. But through inter- 
 ruptions, I could not begin till half-after ten, when my 
 soul so tasted the sweetness of religion and prayer, that as 
 soon as I opened my mouth, my heart was full; and for 
 half an hour I enjoyed great abstraction from the world, 
 and nearness to God, But at eleven I read prayers at 
 church, not Avith such devotion as I expected, but 
 during an hour and a half, which I passed afterwards in 
 reading Scripture and prayer, I found my heart hard 
 and bitter, not only at being so little disposed to 
 pray for my people at Lolworth, but at the necessity 
 of my loving them, and of labouring and praying for 
 them. Alas ! I must have far, far more love to souls 
 before I dare go abroad. During my walk, my mind 
 cleared up. 
 
 22. Rose a little after five, but was not able to 
 begin my sermon. G — breakfasted with me, and 
 stayed all the morning telling me about India. During 
 my walk, my sermon began to open before me, and I 
 returned home cheerful, and desiring to be always 
 happy by trusting God. At night I read to my bed- 
 maker, and prayed somewhat solemnly, and in private 
 afterwards, with some fervour, in the conviction of my 
 improfitableness. 
 
 23. Coming away from the poor-house, I found 
 people quarrelling in the street, to which I presently 
 put a stop ; but it is painful to reflect with what uncon- 
 cern I daily witness the sin and misery of my fellow- 
 creatures. 
 
1804] JOURNAL. 105 
 
 24. My prayer this morning, as every morning for 
 some time, has been almost wholly for seriousness and 
 sobriety of mind. Passed a long time with — . Thus 
 my hours are lost, my mind is unimproved, and yet it 
 is an imperious call of duty. May the Lord take care 
 of me, and order all things for my good. 
 
 25. (Sunday.) Read prayers in chapel. At church 
 was not steadily tranquil. Preached at Shelford on 
 2 Tim. i. 10. I enjoyed much delight in the service ; I 
 spoke with freedom and clearness, and trust it was not 
 unprofitable to the hearers. 
 
 26. Read in chapel with some difficulty, on account 
 of the exertions of yesterday. In private prayer, prayed 
 that my past unprofitableness might not lead away my 
 wTetched heart from God, nor discourage me from hold- 
 ing on my way. Read ' Fletcher's Portrait ' for an 
 hour with great profit, and prayed after it in deeper 
 sense of my own meanness, and my utter unworthiness 
 of the work of the ministry * * # 
 
 I act in this business in conformity to the will of God, 
 according to the best of my judgment ; yet thus my time 
 passes unimproved, but I must patiently submit to it ; 
 at night I drew near to God in prayer, and felt disposed 
 thankfully to labour in all earnestness and simplicity, to 
 call my poor fellow- creatures to Christ. 
 
 27. 28. Wrote during the morning on Job xxii. 21. 
 During my walk I had many solemn thoughts on Mr. 
 C — 's death. In the afternoon baptised five children, 
 and found myself approaching to that levity from which 
 I have been more free of late. 
 
 30. (Good Friday.) Read in chapel, and finished 
 my sermon with my mind somewhat solemnly impressed 
 with the subject of it. At church I strove to profit by 
 the sermon, w^hich I did, for I went away very desirous 
 of imitating the faith of Abraham. But alas ! when the 
 trials of faith come, as they do every day, I am seldom 
 aware, and seldom act worthily. 
 
 Before evening church, I had a few profitable mo- 
 ments in prayer, which had its effect during the whole 
 
106 JOURNAL. [1804 
 
 evening service. I long for communion with the bles- 
 sed God. 
 
 31. Breakfasted with S — , and retained the serious 
 impressions of the morning prayer. After dinner, being 
 at leisure, from having procured the promise of assist- 
 ance, began to pray with great fervour, and found 
 my eyes open soon upon the invisible world. I conti- 
 nued so in great freedom and earnestness rather more 
 than half an hour, but oh, I could live for ever in 
 prayer, if I could always in it speak to God ! At the 
 end felt a great fear of forgetting the presence of God, 
 and of leaving him as soon as I should leave the pos- 
 ture of devotion. My mind was strongly impressed 
 with that wonderful sight of the invisible things which 
 the believer is made to receive, and I was eager to read 
 what Dr. Watts has written on the hidden life. I had 
 never read it before, but I was exceedingly delighted 
 with it, as it cleared my mind, and raised my thoughts 
 more to a steady belief of the spiritual life. Drank tea 
 with Mr. Simeon, and was much struck and edified by 
 his account of God's providence, in bringing him first 
 to his church. Read Watts's sermon afterwards till 
 supper, and went into hall with my mind fully engaged 
 in the high subject on which I had been meditating. 
 Found — and — conversing about * * 
 
 * -3^ * * * * * 
 
 ***** All this 
 
 appeared to me to be a bubble and a dream . Perhaps 
 they would have accounted me a visionary, could they 
 have read my mind. It was with some pity, I hope, 
 and grief, that I contemplated in silence, men of strong 
 minds so childishly employed. 
 
 April 1. (Easter Sunday.) Was prevented by one 
 thing and another, from being any considerable time in 
 prayer, which I endeavoured to regard as a visit to the 
 invisible world. In the morning service I was not 
 abstracted from the world, except at a few passing 
 intervals. In the sacrament I had to lament the want 
 of a broken heart, and in my private prayers at the 
 
1804] JOURNAL. 107 
 
 time, I seemed to be speaking in a crowd when I could 
 think of nothing distinctly. Called at the house of a 
 poor w^oman in Wall's Lane. Her husband, who 
 would never suffer any one to come near her till a few 
 days before, came into the house. I went out and 
 warned ' the wicked man that he would surely die.' He 
 confessed that he w^as cut to the heart when I talked to 
 him of eternal torment, and consented to come in and 
 join in prayer — , which he did. 
 
 2. In my walk I found myself, as far as I could 
 judge, entirely disposed to obey the will of God in 
 whatever manner he might order it, having particularly 
 in my mind . 
 
 4. In my walk I was somewhat in a rejoicing 
 frame, at the remembrance of what God had done for 
 me by Christ and his Spirit. I longed for that heaven 
 where I should be perfectly pure and active. I sat 
 and read the last chapter of Revelation. 
 
 5. Walked with — , but my mind was not disposed 
 by communion with God for spiritual conversation, for 
 he called before the time of my prayer. Was extremely 
 edified by — 's sermon at Trinity Church, both in my 
 private and public capacity. I was ashamed and grieved 
 at writing, and having written such sermons, after 
 hearing his truly religious gravity. 
 
 6. Walked with G — , but having had no prayer 
 immediately before going out, I could not converse with 
 ease and cordiality, though I wished it. 
 
 7. In my walk could not get near to God ; want of 
 reading Scripture is the reason of this strangeness. H — 
 and S — sat with me till past seven ; from dinner 
 time our conversation was such that I did not think 
 the time spent in vain. Went to Mrs. T — , who was 
 apparently dying. It was of no use to read, they said, 
 so I spoke to her, begging her to cast herself simply 
 upon Jesus. She observed once while I was not 
 speaking to her, that she should be miserable for ever 
 unless God would have mercy upon her, but she hoped 
 he would for the sake of Jesus Christ. This was the 
 
108 JOURNAL. [1804 
 
 first time I had heard her mention the name of Christ. 
 Then she said, she had no deep repentance. She 
 wished to have more time, though but a day longer, that 
 she might have a deeper repentance. 
 
 8. In my prayer this morning, as for some time 
 past, I could easily find myself alone with God, but 
 failed in topics of suppUcation for want of reading. 
 Preached at Trinity church without much comfort. 
 Detestable thoughts about the opinions of men so 
 intruded. During service at night, and preaching at 
 Trinity church, my mind enjoyed great solemnity. I 
 find that preaching well and living well in humiliation 
 and communion with God have no necessary connection. 
 At night in reading Rev. i. and ii. I had many solemn 
 and blessed thoughts. To the angel of the church at 
 Lolworth write — What? To that of Ephesus he said, 
 *'Iknow thy labour ; " would he say so tome? I 
 feel convinced that I do not labour in secret prayer for 
 them. '* Thou hast left thy first love." Alas ! I never 
 did love as I ought. Henceforth it is my desire to 
 know God, and labour indeed, and enter deeply into 
 this rich treasure of his word, and to grow in every grace. 
 
 9. I addressed myself with earnest prayer and a 
 strong desire, to know and learn the epistle to the 
 Romans in the Greek, and read the two first chapters 
 with attention and profit. 
 
 10. I enjoyed much comfort in prayer this morning. 
 I find that it is my great business to strive to maintain 
 a humble and serious mind, if I would enjoy peace and 
 communion with God. Read in the Greek the epistle to 
 Romans, with new and enlarging views. Walked to 
 Shelford. Very often I could . see myself a lost sinner, 
 a debtor to mercy alone. I was happy and joyful. 
 Hoped and prayed on the road that I might in the day 
 be aware of God's presence, and strive by all my con- 
 versation to glorify him. On my return home was not 
 humbled enough to come near God. Supped in hall, 
 where I had an opportunity of speaking the truth, which 
 I did in a measure. 
 
1804] JOURNAL. 109 
 
 11. After a morning of continual interruptions went 
 out with a painful sense of a day unprofitably spent. 
 Yet in my walk, by seeing myself a debtor to mercy 
 alone, I enjoyed much tranquillity and clearness of 
 thought. At night I endeavoured to suppose myself on 
 my death-bed, in order to see what views I should 
 then have of my conduct in this business. What keeps 
 me still in a sort of fear and suspense is, that the result 
 of my deliberations coincides with my own will. 
 
 12 dwelt heavily on my mind, but in 
 
 prayer at noon I committed myself in trust to God and 
 Christ with some peace and joy. In my way to Mr, 
 Simeon's heard part of the service in King's Chapel. 
 The sanctity of the place and the music, brought heaven 
 and eternal things and the presence of God very near 
 to me. 
 
 Read at church, and unexpectedly had much 
 solemnity and happy views. Whenever I am attentive 
 to this world, I see vanity and vexation of spirit written 
 upon it. Alas ! how much time lost. How much sin 
 committed this day. Yet Oh, how I long to live a life 
 of devotedness of God. 
 
 14. Distressed about my future plans, but by recol- 
 lecting that whatever He ordered for me must be for 
 His glory and for my final good, I recovered my quiet 
 by resigning myself and all that concerned me into His 
 hands ; in prayer during my walk I did the same, and 
 went away benefited, with a desire to live to God all 
 the day. After dinner wrote sermon. In the evening, 
 from having been more frequently in prayer to-day 
 than usual, I drew nigh unto the Lord, and felt more 
 fulness of heart in prayer for myself and others, though 
 just before it I was distressed by many fearful and 
 unbelieving thoughts. Read Thess. iv. and v. w^ith 
 exceeding profit, and learnt them by heart. 
 
 15. (Sunday.) Was prevented from so much reading 
 and prayer as I wished to have, in order to maintain 
 the impressions of last night. Read and preached at 
 Trinity on John iv. 29. On the road to Stapleford, 
 
110 JOURNAL. [1804 
 
 anxiety about the evening kept me a good deal from the 
 sense of the presence of God. After the evening ser- 
 vice I enjoyed the blessing of peace and joy. Thus the 
 Lord is always better to me than my fears, and puts a 
 new song into m.y mouth when I least expect it. In 
 the family at night I joined with great freedom and 
 delight in spiritual conversation, and strove to make it 
 profitable to some young persons there. In prayer at 
 night, the self-seeking departure from God and pride of 
 my heart recurred to my recollection, and seem.ed to 
 have filled up the day. The more attentively I consider 
 my spirit at any one time, the more manifestly does 
 my incessant proneness to sin appear to my conscience. 
 I solemnly renounced the world, and the comforts, even 
 the lawful comforts of it, before God this night, that I 
 might be entirely his servant. This was accompanied 
 with some degree of melancholy, as if I v/ere about to 
 be a loser by it, but I v^as made to perceive the pride 
 and ignorance of supposing I had made any sacrifice. 
 The remembrance of what I had done to deserve des- 
 truction, and the view of the superlative excellency and 
 glory of being the servant of God, and having him for 
 my only portion, soon made me thankful at having 
 made a happy exchange. 
 
 18. The whole of the evening till a late hour, I was 
 engaged in writing a few lines for the Seatonian Prize. 
 I regard this exercise as a lawful pleasure, but I was 
 employed with rather too great avidity, and the mind 
 after it has been accustomed to fiction and pleasures of 
 the imagination, returns unwillingly even to the most 
 important realities. 
 
 ] 9. H — breakfasted with me, but I could not con- 
 verse with freedom, indeed I had the utmost difhcultv 
 to keep the poem out of my head, both now and in the 
 morning before prayer. Heard an impressive sermon 
 from — on " I have fought a good fight," &c. O ! I 
 felt that I had never been fighting, never running. 
 At moments indeed I have been stirred up to begin the 
 struggle, but soon, before I was aware, I found myself 
 
1804] JOURNAL. Ill 
 
 self-indulgent, and my hands slack. In my walk found 
 great pleasure in thinking on the subject of my poem, 
 and it became such a snare that I was unwilling to turn 
 from it to learn some of the Scriptures ; but how- 
 ever I did, and found myself delivered, through mercy, 
 from any strong bias to prefer any thing to the service 
 of God. 
 
 21. Found myself in a serious humble spirit at 
 rising, and determined to fast this day, thinking I should 
 both be able to finish my sermon more easily and have 
 besides time for solemn prayer. Finding myself in 
 great distress about the affair of — , not knowing at all 
 what the will of God was, I used the 27th and 25th 
 Psalms in prayer with some relief. 
 
 22. (Sunday.) During the whole service in the 
 evening, my mind enjoyed what resembled heavenly 
 sweetness, but a great deal of it was carnal. Saw that 
 early rising, self-denial, w^atchfulness, and prayer, are 
 necessary to awaken in me more earnestness in religion. 
 
 24. Rose with very distressing thoughts, but was 
 refreshed and strengthened in faith by prayer, so that 
 instead of giving way to an improper temper with my 
 pupils, I was able to be in a more serious and devout 
 spirit. Read wdth attention Rom. v ; and though I could 
 not fully make out the difficult parts of it, the overflow- 
 ings of grace exhibited in it were enlivening to my 
 spirit. The blessed sense of it remained during my walk, 
 though I had a great deal of unbelief. 
 
 25. My temper this day has been unwatchful. At 
 church, however, this morning I guarded against that 
 sinful delusion of reading the prayers carelessly, because 
 there were but two or three people, and prayed I think 
 earnestly. Drank tea with B — , with whom my con- 
 versation was as usual entirely spiritual, but I went 
 away with reason to lament how much farther my 
 tongue and head go in divine things than my 
 heart. 
 
 26. Woke in great pain of body from a violent 
 headache and great stupidity of mind. I scarcely knew 
 
112 JOURNAL. [1804 
 
 what to do. I could think of no promise suitable, but 
 repeated Rom. viii. to myself without much affection. 
 Happening to open ' Paley's Horae Paulinse,' where he 
 describes the unw^earied patience and invincible fortitude 
 of St. Paul, I was revived in spirit. The whole train 
 of apostles, and martyrs, and saints, struggling for 
 immortality, suddenly passed in review before my mind, 
 and inflamed my heart wdth an ardent desire to follow 
 their faith and patience, and I prayed accordingly. 
 Read some of ' Serle's Christian Remembrancer' on sick- 
 ness and death, and sat about two hours with great 
 pain of head, sometimes sleeping, but with great 
 serenity of mind, for God had spoken comfort to 
 my soul, not by any particular passage of Scrip- 
 ture, but by giving me the thought that I was alone 
 with him. I then spoke to him as a friend, and as 
 all mv salvation. It is the w^ant of a walk of faith, 
 an assured hope, that brings on such disquiet at the 
 prospect of death. Let it remind me to make my call- 
 ing and election sure. O Eternity ! Eternity ! 
 
 27. Rose restored to health. Oh, how great are 
 His mercies. Was hindered from morning prayer three 
 hours, by pupils coming, during which time my spirit 
 was rather hasty, worldly, and unchristian, for want of 
 being set aright by prayer. Afterwards became calm 
 and peaceful, though I had not much enlargement in 
 prayer from want of time. Oh, what a reason is this 
 to assign, when every moment of my short span of life 
 and of the everlasting duration of my soul are His. Yet 
 I am often tempted to shorten the time of devotion, by 
 supposing duty calls me elsewhere. 
 
 Read in the evening a sermon by Bostwick, on '' We 
 preach not ourselves, but Christ Jesus the Lord," every 
 w^ord of which cut deep into my conscience. I bless 
 God for sending me such a word of conviction, but I 
 believe I know little of Christ. In the choice of subjects 
 for sermons, I never hit upon any which shall be directly 
 upon the work or grace of Christ. There are unsearch- 
 al3le riches of Christ, but I know^ little of them. 
 
[1804 JOURNAL. 113 
 
 With the system of doctrine I am acquainted, and find 
 Christ's work my only delight ; but the want of novelty in 
 these subjects has heretofore often failed of arresting my 
 attention to sermons which contained them, and there- 
 fore makes me despair of gaining the attention of my 
 hearers, by discourses which shall contain nothing but 
 those topics. May Christ in his mercy teach me better 
 things ! and if it be his glory, and the salvation of souls 
 I aim at, in wishing to fix the attention of men, he will 
 instruct me accordingly ; but if not, if I cannot say 
 anything new, or in a new manner, yet woe is me if I 
 preach not the gospel. I have also never laboured as I 
 ought, no, not in any degree either in public or private. 
 But now I commend myself to God, and the word of 
 his grace, beseeching him to show his creature more of 
 his wickedness and ignorance, and so to reveal Christ 
 in his heart, that I may be determined upon good 
 grounds to know nothing but Jesus Christ, and him 
 crucified. 
 
 29. (Sunday.) At rising and in prayer, tried, not 
 without success, to be alone with God, and to have my 
 mind impressed with the solemn work of preaching 
 Christ to sinners. Preached at Stapleford on Luke xv. 
 4 — 7, and succeeded by watchfulness and prayer in 
 maintaining steadiness and humility. In the afternoon 
 preached on that awful subject, Ps. ix. 17, and began 
 with some impression of heart, but was frequently 
 speaking as if I was not one of the sinners I was 
 addressing. In my w^alk back, not being able to introduce 
 any thmg religious, insensibly passed the whole time in 
 talking about music ; for this my conscience suffered 
 afterwards. In prayer I found some difficulty in ob- 
 taining right views. Prepared myself during a walk in 
 the shrubbery for the evening, and was blessed with 
 many ardent thoughts, after an entire devotion to God, 
 and forgetfulness of the world. 
 
 30. B — breakfasted with me, but as my mind was 
 not solemnized by sufficient prayer beforehand, a na- 
 tural spirit was prevalent. During my walk I was 
 
 I 
 
114 JOURNAL. [1804 
 
 thinking chiefly on the text, '* Not as the offence, so is 
 the free gift.'' I was at this time in heaviness on ac- 
 count of the business which oppresses me. I went home 
 and fled to the throne of grace, without which I should 
 be swallowed up with anguish at the affliction into 
 which it has brought me, from irritation of mind and 
 loss of time. In great sorrow I read some of Isaiah. I 
 can praise God for this exceeding affliction, and beg him 
 to give it its proper effect, but my pain arises greatly 
 from want of time for reading and prayer, as also from 
 doubtfulness about the will of God. Oh may he curb 
 and subdue that proud and angry spirit which often, and 
 particularly to-day, has risen up in indignation. 
 
 May 1. From twelve to one C — sat with me, to 
 my great vexation, as I had not a moment to lose. In 
 my walk I was thinking on Isaiah xxxv. for the evening, 
 and was revived by it, though not at peace, as when 
 strong faith and repentance are vouchsafed to me. In 
 the evening grew better by reading Psalm cxix, which 
 generally brings me into a spiritual frame of mind. 
 
 2. Walked out this morning before breakfast, and 
 the beauties of the opening spring constrained me to 
 adoration and praise. But no earthly object or opera- 
 tion can produce true spirituality of heart. My present 
 failing is in this, that I do not feel the power of motives. 
 I have not the fear of God before my eyes in any degree 
 as I ought, nor the fear of danger to my own soul. 
 This night in prayer I was enabled to see my duty, and 
 what is the holy, heavenly, lowly spirit I ought to main- 
 tain, but could not believe it was a matter of the last 
 importance to strive after it. Yet I wish to walk closely 
 with God. O let nothing turn away my thoughts from 
 incessantly prosecuting this blessed work. 
 
 3. Leisure time employed about my sermon, to little 
 purpose till I walked, when my thoughts seemed to flow 
 freely. I received great comfort in being able to feel 
 that the keeping my own heart was not only more 
 necessary than writing sermons, but the best way to 
 succeed in them. 
 
1804] JOURNAL. 115 
 
 4. The prospect of so much to be done before Sun- 
 day, would have overwhelmed my spirits at most times, 
 but God seems to have strengthened my faith this day. 
 I trusted in him, and was not confounded, and now 
 will I bless him. " Thou wilt keep him in perfect 
 peace, whose mind is stayed on thee." I took my paper 
 and ink into the garden, looking up to God for assist- 
 ance, and wTote freely for two hours. I find all the 
 difference in waiting out of doors, with quiet and pleas- 
 ing objects before my eyes, and within, where I can do 
 nothing without closing my eyes upon the things before 
 me. If I could be always alone with God, entirely 
 indifferent about the opinions of men, but anxious only 
 to deliver my message from him, and w^aiting for the 
 fruits of it, I shoiild reach a state to which I aspire, 
 but have not attained. 
 
 8. As soon as my eyes open in the morning upon 
 this world, mere earthly thoughts fill my mind instantly. 
 It is only after prayer that I can have my mind fastened 
 upon spiritual things. Then my desires are so strong, 
 frequently to guard against the entrance of earthly 
 thoughts, that I can use those words with truth, Clau- 
 dimini, oculi mei, claudimini. To maintain a spiritual 
 frame of mind, is now the subject of all my petitions, 
 but all my endeavours seem to have as little effect as a 
 few slight touches to a man sleeping, who just half 
 opens his eyes, and is then asleep again. Or it is like 
 pushing an immense weight up a hill ; if you relax your 
 efforts, the weight stops, and more than stops. Alas ! 
 how far must the heart be departed from God by nature, 
 that it requires such incessant labour to keep it with 
 him, even when the reason approves, and the will 
 embraces him. Read some of ' Flavel's Saint Indeed,' 
 which seemed the very book that was suitable to my 
 present views. 
 
 9. After breakfast, my spirits being a little refreshed, 
 I drew near to God in prayer, and rejoiced that I 
 was in his hands, and that he would order all things 
 for my good. During my walk, I was led to think a 
 
 I 2 
 
116 JOURNAL. [1804 
 
 good while on my deficiency in human learning, and on 
 my having neglected those branches which would have 
 been pleasing and honourable in the acquisition. Yet I 
 said, though with somewhat of melancholy, " What 
 things were gain to me those 1 counted loss for 
 Christ." Though I become less esteemed by man, I 
 cannot but think, [though it is not easy to do so,] that it 
 must be more acceptable to God to labour for souls, 
 though the mind remains uninformed ; and consequently, 
 that it must be more truly great and noble, than to be 
 great and notable among men for learning. In the 
 garden afterwards, I rejoiced exceedingly at the pros- 
 pect of a death fast approaching, when my powers of 
 understanding would be enlarged inconceivably. They 
 all talked to me in praise of my sermon on Sunday 
 night, but praise is exceedingly unpleasant to me, be- 
 cause I am slow to render back to God that glory which 
 belongs to him alone. Sometimes it may be useful in 
 encouraging me when I want encouragement, but that at 
 present is not the case, and in truth, praise generally pro- 
 duces pride, and pride presently sets me far from God. 
 
 10. My spirit groans within me at the unprofita- 
 bleness of my time, so much of which passes every day 
 unsatisfactorily, generally through necessity, but some- 
 times through my own carelessness. Indeed if I were 
 careful to live in the spirit of watchfulness and prayer 
 at all times, I should be able to improve the odd half 
 hours. From something I read in Flavel, I was con- 
 vinced of the injury we do to ourselves, by coming to 
 God without due meditation ; but this, instead of induc- 
 ing me to stir up my soul to a right frame, somehow 
 made me less anxious. At length I had an hour to 
 myself in my room, and I desired to make it turn to the 
 very best account. I read Hopkins and the Greek Testa- 
 ment, and prepared myself in a degree to meet the 
 Lord. But in it I was not properly engaged, from not 
 seeing long time enough before me. My soul groans 
 after perfect holiness, though my flesh is slow to follow 
 the way to attain it. 
 
1804] JOURNAL. 117 
 
 11. B. breakfasted with me, but for want of suffi- 
 cient morning prayer, I was not careful to improve the 
 conversation. My time being now so short, I deter- 
 mined to give all the rest of the day to acts of devotion, 
 without going into hall to dinner. So I retired to the 
 garden, and first read " Flavel's Saint Indeed," and one of 
 the Epistles, and then endeavoured to order my thoughts. 
 How dark, confused, and w^andering were they. I asked 
 myself about what I was come to consider. I first 
 assured myself upon grounds which I thought good, 
 that I was building upon the right foundation, and then 
 found that my ti*ue business was to get my heart, which 
 has long been destitute of clear views of God, to become 
 more spiritual. In prayer I continued some time with 
 earnestness, and devoted myself to the service of my 
 Lord with greater solemnity. 
 
 12. Rose from morning prayer with my soul 
 breathing after holiness. I hoped that this day I should 
 keep my heart with all diligence — found my spirit right, 
 happy in God, and full of hope. Read some of Milner's 
 Church History, and of Flavel's Saint Indeed, with great 
 blessing. In the afternoon was at a party at — 's, with 
 a party of men very familiar, as long known, though 
 irreligious. What an unprofitable time it was, and that 
 through my fault partly, and much do I fear I said 
 many things in a way of wit to provoke or offend one 
 of them there. Oh my soul, this is a fearful sin. How 
 different was my conduct from the tender, pitying, 
 humble, and serious deportment of a true child of God. 
 Towards night, my heart declined in spirituality through 
 want of reading scripture and prayer. But, oh that I 
 might now truly begin to live with God, and to God. 
 
 13. I was watchful this morning against earthly 
 thoughts, and God sent a blessing to my spirit. I en- 
 joyed every thing, and rejoiced that I should daily grow 
 more watchful, with every thought brought into cap- 
 tivity to the obedience of Christ. This happy and holy 
 frame continued during my morning service, and during 
 my ride to Lol worth, though it was harder to preserve 
 
118 JOURNAL. [1804 
 
 it, vet the taste of the sweetness of it made me strive to 
 keep God in sight by prayer. Preached on Heb. iii. 
 12. By altering the style of the written sermon, as I 
 went along, it was delivered, I think, with plainness and 
 earnestness. Read the evening service at Trinity 
 church with unusual fervour ; but with many vain self- 
 exalting thoughts at so doing. 
 
 15. In morning prayer, I pleaded again and again 
 that I might be heedful to my spirit during the day ; 
 that I might walk alone with God ; that I might pre- 
 pare myself for the evening, not with the detestable 
 anxiety of approving myself unto men, but with the sole 
 wish of doing the w^U of God. 
 
 16. In my walk I was at first greatly distressed, and 
 appeared quite shut out from the divine presence. But 
 soon after beginning to learn some of Psalm cxix. and 
 repeating our Lord's farewell sermon in St. John, my 
 peace returned. Thus the word of God is always 
 my comfort. In prayer, I seemed to abjure all sin, 
 and the very approach to it, from the bottom of my 
 heart. Read the second epistle to the Corinthians, with 
 a special blessing. What mean dark views have I of the 
 glorious ministrations of the Spirit. And if the work 
 of the ministry be so awful, how can such a w^orm as I 
 be faithful in it without earnest prayer and help from 
 God. If Paul was such as we are in afflictions, dis- 
 tresses (and O how far off from any thing like this do 
 I find myself) yet I ask myself, why am I not holy and 
 heavenly-minded as Paul ? 
 
 17. Rose early, with my spirit far from God, but I 
 was brought to a humble, serious frame by prayer. Let 
 it teach me to be constant and persevering in it. 
 
 18. The sciatica prevented me from sleeping much 
 in the night, and I rose in exceeding pain of body. 
 But I enjoyed blessed peace of mind, as I did also last 
 night in prayer. It is the Lord, I trust, who kept me 
 in perfect peace. 
 
 20. (Sunday.) Enjoyed this morning, as also last 
 night, great blessedness in prayer. When I walked in 
 
1804] JOURNAL. 119 
 
 the garden, the sight of the beautiful objects in it made 
 God still appear to be very near. In the afternoon 
 heard Mr. Lloyd preach with great clearness and power 
 on the internal illumination of the Holy Spirit. During 
 the anthem there, I seemed to have a foretaste of 
 heaven, and could have wished to die, or to live always 
 in that frame in which I found myself. Preached at 
 Trinity this evening on Eph. iv. 30. Went home after- 
 wards, and succeeded in keeping down all self-exalting 
 thoughts, and to have my mind not taken up with think- 
 ing about w^hat I had been just doing, but alone with God. 
 
 21. I awoke w^ith a mind disposed to pray and 
 praise, according to my prayer of yesterday, but by not 
 immediately rising, my vain heart wandered from God 
 again. O how^ do I waste and trifle with the precious 
 gifts of God; yet in prayer " he restored" my soul 
 again, and caused me to long earnestly for the continual 
 walk of faith. Breakfasted with some friends, when the 
 detestable spirit of pride, against w^hich I had prayed, 
 and which I foresaw would be working, molested me 
 grievously. I considered myself as somebody, and that 
 I must speak as an oracle on religion ; however I said 
 little to the purpose. In the evening read Daniel, and 
 should have had my soul filled wdth awful thoughts, 
 had I not borne in mind that I should read it on 
 Wednesday night at the room. O what a snare are 
 public ministrations to me ! Not that I wish for the 
 praise of men, but there is some fear and anxiety about 
 not getting through. How happy could I be in meet- 
 ing the people of my God more frequently, were it not 
 for this fear of being unprofitable. But since God has 
 given me natural gifts, let this teach me that all I want 
 is a spiritual frame, to improve and employ them in the 
 things of God. 
 
 22. Rose fearful, but I resolved again in the strength 
 of God to struggle hard this day. Wasted a great deal 
 of the morning in finding out a text for the fast-day. 
 My mind was beginning to sink into discontent at my 
 unprofitableness, but by reading some of Psalm cxix. and 
 
120 JOURNAL. [1804 
 
 prayer, I recovered. I find my best preservative is to 
 ask myself, Is my present temper, train of thoughts, &c. 
 heavenly ? then I strive to conform myself to the frame 
 I should have, and the manner of speaking I should 
 use, if my heart were filled with divine love. 
 
 It is amazing to me to reflect that I should have such 
 a desire to die to the world, and to think of invisible 
 things, as I believe I have, and yet find not only so 
 much of sin, but also so much of levity in my spirit. 
 The tide of animal spirits is so strong, that in the most 
 sacred employment it intrudes and terrifies me. Yet in 
 these two last days I have made progress, and blessed 
 be God for it. 
 
 23. I was able to maintain the same watchful spirit 
 this morning. At church my soul was assaulted grie- 
 vously by wanderings of the eyes and heart, but the 
 recollection of my late fellowship with God, helped to 
 deliver me from those temptations. Sin is indeed in- 
 wrought into my nature ; notwithstanding the greater 
 degree of care over my spirit I have exerted, yet the 
 least occasion is enough to cause the outbreakings of 
 corruption. In my walk, enjoyed a clear and tranquil 
 frame, and much of the presence of God, though the 
 commendation of my sermon I yesterday received, too 
 frequently recurred as a favourite meditation. After 
 dinner, alas ! entirely indisposed to every duty, but I 
 was much stirred up by prayer over Rev. iii. 
 
 24. Many of my waking thoughts were employed 
 on the subject of keeping near to God. 
 
 25. (Fast-day.) Preached on Hosea vi. 1. At — 's 
 could not succeed in making the conversation profitable, 
 though I tried repeatedly. On coming aw^ay, I w^as be- 
 ginning to be cast down at the thought of it, but I 
 appealed to God, that I wished to improve the time in 
 company better, and that it was all this time a grief to 
 me, that the conversation was not more suitable to the 
 day. Riding home, my heart was not fixed or rejoicing, 
 except once at the reflection of having given up the 
 things of the world, and having nothing of any kind to 
 
1804] JOURNAL. 121 
 
 engage my thoughts here, but to become holy, and be 
 the means of salvation to sinners. I could bless him 
 also for giving me light and power to make so happy 
 a choice. 
 
 26. My prayer this morning for a meek and holy 
 sobriety was answered. O how sweet is the dawn of 
 heaven. Read Juvenal for the examination, and my 
 heart was soon departing from God, and leading me into 
 dislike of his service. But by some well-timed checks 
 it returned. Upon the whole, this has been the best 
 week I have ever passed, for faith has been more in ex- 
 ercise. Yet I have little sense of communicsitions from 
 God. 
 
 27. (Sunday.) Rose at a quarter before five, and 
 continued above an hour in prayer in great deadness 
 till towards the end, w^hen I could have gone on 
 with delight if my strength had permitted. Walked in 
 the garden with my heart continually wavering, some- 
 times reposing in full confidence on God, at other times 
 made miserable by fears. My mind seemed fatigued all 
 this day, incapable of enjoyment, though it approved 
 supremely the things that are excellent. At times I 
 felt myself hurried to thoughtless levity, but I cried to 
 God for help. Indeed I w^as severely tried the whole 
 day within and without. Preached at Lolworth, on 
 Eph. iv. 30. but it seemed to tire them. Rode home 
 quite disheartened * =^ * but I hastened to lift up 
 my heart in prayer for fear of feeling any improper 
 emotion. — told me after church of many faults in read- 
 ing and preaching. Though I felt really rejoiced at his 
 kindness, yet the discovery of any thing that made me 
 contemptible to others, with the other proofs of despe- 
 rate pride that I remembered this day, galled and grieved 
 me ; but at night I cried very earnestly that God 
 
 ^would make me utterly despicable, and do any thing to 
 destroy the accursed sin of my heart. 
 
 28. Oh that my soul could maintain but for one 
 day the divine sweetness attending the exercise of humi- 
 lity and love! H. and S. breakfasted with me. I 
 
122 JOURNAL. [1804 
 
 strove to keep my heart and my tongue as it were with 
 a bridle. My thoughts were miserably wandering in 
 my walk, through neglect of improving the time of 
 reading and prayer. 
 
 Received a letter containing some unpleasant charges 
 from one of our people ; its first effect was to drive me 
 nearer to God, and so give me peace. 
 
 29. Mr. K. White of Nottingham breakfasted with 
 me. In my walk was greatly cast down, except for a short 
 time on my return, when as I was singing or rather 
 chanting some petitions in a low plaintive voice, I 
 insensibly found myself sweetly engaged in prayer. 
 
 30. In prayer my heart was in my mouth, and 
 greatly elevated in spirits, which I endeavoured to 
 repress. During the rest of the morning I was 
 assaulted by strong temptations, but some few ejacula- 
 tions raised me above these sins and made me loathe 
 them. Some evil reports concerning me have got 
 abroad, and no hypothesis whatever will account for 
 my conduct. I can only say that all that I did was 
 from pure charity, and very painful to my own feelings, 
 and so God knoweth. May he defend the honour of his 
 minister, and enable me still to speak with all boldness, 
 
 31. In prayer I was so clearly enlightened with the 
 knowledge of what I ought to be, and so longed to 
 maintain in perfection a holy, humble, serious, devout 
 spirit, that I thought I should have at least some strong 
 desires all the day, but after pupil and reading Juvenal, 
 I W'as unw^illing either to pray or read the Bible. But 
 through mercy I was soon restored, and walked out in 
 the happy enjoyment of God's presence. Called and found 
 C— , so meek and humble that I felt quite happy with 
 him, and staid with him an hour, opening the truths 
 of the precious Gospel with great comfort to him, as I 
 afterwards learnt. Supped with B — , in company with 
 seven other clergymen, all conscientious. I wished 
 much to say something to a good purpose, but had no 
 opportunity, yet I reasonably blamed myself afterwards, 
 for not striving more, and for not having that spirituality 
 
1804] JOURNAL. 123 
 
 of mind which might have found opportunities when 
 there were otherwise none. Once when I reflected how 
 godly our conversation ought to be, how high our 
 adoration and acknowledgment of the divine presence, 
 and contrasted it with our conduct, I perceived we 
 were fallen creatures. 
 
 June 1. Engaged all day long in hall. In the 
 intervals I endeavoured to seek after God with various 
 success. In hall I had occasion enough to check the 
 risings of a vain conceited spirit. 
 
 2. In hall during the morning. Walked before 
 dinner with B — , but I wanted to be alone. The con- 
 versation was about religion, but only about it. Soon 
 after dinner I was somewhat shocked at considering 
 how composedly I could go on so long without prayer, 
 and not think of returning to it. I went to my room 
 and prayed in seriousness, and found my spirit improved. 
 Continued at Locke till half-past eleven, and then found 
 myself all the worse for this sort of life, employed 
 neither in divine thoughts nor works of charity. I 
 think it almost impossible I could ever have been faith- 
 ful to Christ in any other calling, my mind is so easily 
 led away by the least earthly study. How dull, how 
 slow in apprehending objects of faith, so that they 
 should have a living power upon me ! . 
 
 3. At breakfast, from the circumstance of my cough, 
 the conversation turned upon death and our preparation 
 for it. I felt myself able to look forward to it with 
 comfort. Preached at St. Giles, on John vii. 19. in 
 weakness both of body and mind. After dinner I 
 prayed wath comfort, though for too short a time, and 
 preached at the same church, on the parable of the lost 
 sheep, with more animation both of mind and outward 
 gesture than I have ever manifested. Called upon C — 
 after church, and had some conversation with him to 
 my great comfort. In private prayer at night I drew 
 near the Lord and w^as particularly affected at the belief 
 of — 's danger. Oh may he at last hear my prayers for 
 her. 
 
124 JOURNAL, [1804 
 
 4. In hall during the morning. The utmost atten- 
 tion to mental employment does not prevent the 
 intrusion of vain and sinful thoughts ; why then should 
 it of religious thoughts ? By many seasonable checks I 
 turned away my thoughts from a light unholy spirit, 
 and directed it to use the posture as it were of humi- 
 lity and love. During my walk I learnt the latter 
 part of 2 Tim. and Titus, with great conviction of the 
 awful charge of the ministry. Some men complain that 
 the wheels of their bodily machine run too slow for the 
 soul, and so may I say in many things ; but I may also 
 add with equal truth, that the w^heels of my body often 
 run too fast for the soul, so that often when the soul is 
 longing to compose itself to the exercise of a calm and 
 sober temper, the animal spirits hurry it away in 
 clear contradiction to the will. 
 
 5. Enjoyed considerable peace this morning. Several 
 marks of the contempt of men, at different times of the 
 day, affected me but little. In my walk, found my mind 
 very readily brought into somewhat of a temper of ten- 
 derness and sobriety, though not a clear sense of the 
 divine presence. At night, read the six last Psalms, 
 with some suitableness of spirit. 
 
 6. Was very irregular in prayer this morning, my 
 heart seemed disposed to praise, but I am always easily 
 deceived by frames of joy. But I have through grace, 
 acquired more discernment, or at least have learnt by 
 my own feelings what frame is not right. I have often 
 had a great deal of joy without peace, it was not pure ; 
 my natural temper is a long way distant from that 
 calm sobriety of soul, where self is altogether abased 
 and forgotten, and God and his glory are the only sub- 
 ject and object of the thoughts. By repeated enjoyment 
 of this blessed temper, I trust that through the Spirit 
 it will become habitual. White came in, and con- 
 tinued with me at tea, and in a walk till past nine. In 
 the interval of a few minutes of his absence, I prayed for 
 myself, and particularly for him, that I might be able to 
 lay before him, motives for a more entire resignation of 
 
1804] JOURNAL. 125 
 
 himself ; but the conversation afterwards, whether 
 through my fault or not I cannot say, but certainly 
 against my will, was upon something else. Read Ezek. 
 iii. and xxxiii. with awful convictions of the importance 
 of the ministry. 
 
 7. Breakfasted with — who said many strong 
 things against my sermons which pained my mind not 
 a little all the day. In a short walk in the evening, my 
 heart ascended to God, and I recovered considerable 
 peace. Passed the rest of the evening at Mr. Simeon's 
 with — he contrived to say many things to us both for 
 our good ; to me, by making some remarks on a person, 
 w^ho, he said, lashed the subjects of censure in his ser- 
 mons with undue severity, forgetting that he himself 
 was equally weak ; his remarks, he said, were too broad 
 and without a due mixture of light and shade, and 
 seemed to manifest a lamentable ignorance of his own 
 heart. 
 
 8. The whole of this morning in settling the classes ; 
 it was a joyful thing to throw off immediately after- 
 wards all the earthly thoughts that had come upon me, 
 — was much disturbed this evening by employing my- 
 self about something which excluded the Bible for a 
 time, though I felt that I ought to be reading that. 
 How easy is it, and yet how awful, to grieve the Holy 
 Spirit of God. 
 
 9. This morning H. breakfasted with me, and left 
 Cambridge finally. After he was gone I sat an hour 
 in melancholy reflection on the transitory nature of 
 earthly things, and should have continued longer, had 
 my thoughts been fixed steadily on the subject. In my 
 walk, my mind was wandering, but I fled instantly to 
 God, and prayed for purification and strength. Supped 
 at D's. and our evening passed in a happy spiritual man- 
 ner. D. read some interesting parts of Mr. Wesley's 
 Journal among the Americans, and we discoursed also 
 upon the character of Mr. Fletcher. I felt animated for 
 a time to be such an one, and what was it but slothful- 
 ness, and unbeUef, and self-indulgence, that suffer 
 
126 JOURNAL. [1804 
 
 these desires to decline, or that keep me from attaining 
 their heights of holiness ? 
 
 10. (Sunday.) Felt rather cast down in the service, 
 from fear that my manner was oifensive to the people. 
 On my ride to Lolworth, my mind was rather dark, and 
 terrified, and absent from God, yet I succeeded at times 
 in encouraging myself with the assurance, that if but 
 one word of scripture suited me, it was sufficient for me 
 to rest upon. At church, when the first psalm was 
 sung before the sermon, I found my heart rivetted in the 
 most enrapturing sweetness, while it silently professed 
 to God its desires of holiness. How vain, how con- 
 temptible, did every sensual joy appear at the moment. 
 During my walk home from church, though it was but 
 a few minutes, my pride and vanity found employment. 
 But though unconscious of any thing practically wrong 
 at the time, when I came home I began to be provoked 
 at myself for thus destroying my own happiness, and 
 grieving the Holy Spirit. Directly after, having occa- 
 sion to go across the com't, the same detestable passions 
 led me into a series of thoughts which had continued 
 for some time before I was aware of it. These are sad 
 proofs of the desperate wickedness of the heart. *' Oh 
 wretched man that I am, who shall deliver me from the 
 body of this death ! '^ These words just express my feel- 
 ings. I am thankful that God has not given me anyone 
 talent more than he has, for, humanly speaking, they 
 would endanger my soul. Now, would to God I were 
 quite dead to the world. It w^ll be heaven indeed to 
 me, when self is entirely lost. I had rather be a slave 
 to another in a case where I could be purely disinte- 
 rested, than submit to this most loathsome vassalage to 
 my ownself. 
 
 11. After my morning prayer, my heart enjoyed a 
 calm and blessed temper, but it gradually declined by 
 my forgetting to watch over myself in conversation with 
 others. Rode with Mr. Simeon to Shelford, he was 
 talking chiefly of my going to India. As I am wanted 
 in several places immediately, he had no doubt but I 
 
1804] JOURNAL. 127 
 
 should go early in the spring. The rest of the day at 
 Shelford, my mind was at peace, though for want of 
 retirement I enjoyed no sensible communion with God. 
 In reading at night Levit. x. and Brown's Reflections, 
 I was deeply affected, and had many momentary glances 
 of holy thoughts and resolutions, but my mind had been 
 so taken up with earthly objects this day, that I had 
 no power to fix them on heavenly things. Oh, how 
 is it possible that a sinner liable to be hurried in 
 a moment to the tribunal of God could ever walk so 
 carelessly ! 
 
 12. I was grieved to find that all the exertions of 
 prayer were necessary against worldly mindedness, so 
 soon had the prospect of the means of competent sup- 
 port in India filled my heart with concern about earthly 
 happiness, marriage, &c. but I strove earnestly against 
 them, and prayed for grace that if it should please God to 
 try my faith by calling me to a post of opulence, I might 
 not dare to use for myself w^hat is truly his : as also, 
 that I might be enabled to keep myself single for serving 
 him more effectually. Nevertheless, this change in my 
 circumstances so troubled me, that I could have been 
 infinitely better pleased to have gone out as a missionary, 
 poor as the Lord and his apostles. I had a long con- 
 versation with Mr. — , in which he seemed at first to 
 complain rather severely, that I said nothing for the 
 comfort of the saints, told me that I knew nothing as 
 yet of my own heart, and many other things to the same 
 purpose, with proper modesty, but clearly enough for 
 me to perceive his drift. I left him rather humbled, 
 conscious of my shallowness ; my mind estranged from 
 divine things through long discontinuance of private 
 prayer. I had promised to walk with — , which was 
 perfectly hateful to me at this time, when I had such 
 need of being alone with God. I have declined so sen- 
 sibly these last two or three days, that I design to devote 
 to-morrow to fasting and prayer, and may it please God 
 to make it the means of quickening me again. My heart 
 already rejoices at the prospect of the increase of 
 
128 JOURNAL. [1804 
 
 spirituality. Read two or three first chapters of Jere- 
 miah at night, with some impressions. 
 
 13. Before breakfast I continued about an hour and 
 a half in a prayer of humiliation. The rest of the day 
 after church, was passed in reading and prayer, and 
 latterly in writing a sermon for next Simday. My heart 
 was engaged sweetly but at one time, and that was in 
 the work of intercession. Walked out in the evening 
 in great tranquillity, and on my return met with Mr. 
 C — , with whom I was obliged to walk an hour 
 longer. He thought it a most improper step for 
 me to leave the University to preach to the ignorant 
 heathen, which any person could do, and that I ought 
 rather to improve the opportunity of acquiring human 
 learning. All our conversation on the subject of 
 earning, religion, &c. ended in nothing, he was con- 
 vinced he was right, and all the texts of Scripture I pro- 
 duced, were applicable, according to him, only to the 
 times of the apostles. How is my soul constrained to 
 adore the sovereign mercy of God, who began his work 
 in my proud heart, and carried it on through snares 
 which have ruined thousands, namely, human learning 
 and honours : and now, my soul, dost thou not esteem 
 all things but dung and dross, compared with the ex- 
 cellency of the knowledge of Christ Jesus my Lord. 
 Yea, did not gratitude constrain me, did not duty and 
 fear of destruction, yet surely the excellency of the ser- 
 vice of Christ would constrain me to lay down ten 
 thousand lives in the prosecution of it. My heart was 
 a little discomposed this evening at the account of the 
 late magnificent prizes proposed by Mr. Buchanan and 
 others, in the University, for which Mr. C. has been 
 calling me to write ; but I was soon at rest again. But 
 how easily do I forget that God is no respecter of per- 
 sons ; that in the midst of the notice I attract as an 
 enthusiast, he judges of me according to my inward 
 state. Oh ! my soul, take no pleasure in outward re- 
 ligion, nor in exciting wonder, but in the true circum- 
 cision of the heart. 
 
1804] JOURNAL. 129 
 
 14. Called out directly after breakfast, and then great 
 part of the morning was lost about nothing. On my 
 return I was verging to discontent and unwillingness to 
 write a sermon, but changed to a most admiring and 
 elevated joy at the thought of being a minister of the 
 most high God, called to proclaim the dignity and ex- 
 cellence of Jesus Christ. 
 
 15. Prayed that the pressure of ministerial concerns 
 might not disturb my mind during the day. 
 
 16. Maintained a right spirit of peace and love 
 through the early part of the morning. — told me 
 of many contemptuous insulting things that had been 
 said of me, reflecting, some on my understanding, some 
 on my condition, sincerity, inconsistent conduct. It 
 was a great trial of my patience, and I was frequently 
 tempted in the course of the evening, to let my natural 
 spirit rage forth in indignation and revenge, but I 
 remembered him of whom it was said, " Who, when he 
 was reviled, reviled not again, but committed himself to 
 him that judgeth righteously." As I was conscious I 
 did not deserve the censures which were passed upon 
 me, I committed myself to God, and in him may I 
 abide until the indignation be overpast ! My soul, alas, 
 needs these uneasinesses in outward things, to be driven 
 to take refuge in God. 
 
 17. (Sunday.) At church, in the service enjoyed 
 much peace. Preached on 1 Tim. i. 15, to a full con- 
 gregation. I hope some were affected, though, when I 
 reflect upon the indifference of my heart, I have need to 
 fear, lest no soul should ever be given to me. Drank 
 tea at Mr. — 's, in order to have an opportunity of ex- 
 pressing my sense of the misconduct of — , staying with 
 him, who had been the means of spreading the reports 
 about me. After tea I spoke of this, though fearful of 
 being in perturbation, as it was before the whole family, 
 but I put myself into the hands of God, who truly 
 enabled me to preserve what I most wished, an unsha- 
 ken composure of mind. I went away very thankful to 
 God, who had given me the means of satisfying all those 
 
 K 
 
130 JOURNAL. [1804 
 
 who heard me. Afterwards, till the evening sermon, I was 
 thinking far too much of this business and other earthly 
 things, but Mr. Simeon's sermon on Jeremiah xxxi. 8,9, 
 restored me a little, and made me desire to he alone 
 with God. In prayer at night I seemed to be awakened 
 from a long sleep ; alas, I have had a name to live, and 
 have been dead. Not having stirred up myself to take 
 hold of God, I have become unconscious of the burden 
 of corruption, and the consequence is, that pride has 
 spread over my whole heart, and swallowed up my 
 whole spirit. When I began to perceive it through 
 mercy this evening, and attempted to be humbled before 
 God, I found it utterly impossible. I could only say 
 before him, that I had no power of myself to think a 
 good thought, and so I found it then. Every desire 
 after grace, and help, and strength against corruption, 
 was itself full of corruption. One thing was particularly 
 offensive to me. How experimental a Christian, thought 
 I, shall I be in my sermons, when I come to describe 
 the feelings and workings of my mind this evening. 
 Wretched, wretched man that I am, who shall deliver 
 me from this never-ceasing self-complacency, this ac- 
 cursed pride. O may the spirit always make me groan 
 under this burden, and bring to my first remembrance 
 in the morning the corruption of my heart, and teach 
 me the way of obtaining suitable humiliation. 
 
 18. In my walk, for the most part I w^as very 
 unhappy. I was willing to take my heart into exercise, 
 and begin a thorough work of humiliation and conviction, 
 but it appeared closed up on all sides, every avenue to it 
 seemed to be hid in darkness and confusion. However, 
 before I returned home, I found peace returning, upon 
 the consideration, that my duty was to be diligent in 
 secret exercises, and God himself would teach me. In 
 the afternoon read ' Tennant's India,' and foresaw that 
 my future life in that country would be outwardly 
 odious to the last degree. But in the face of every 
 difficulty I could truly say, " None of these things move 
 me." The rest of the evening passed rather unprofitably, 
 
1804] JOURNAL. 131 
 
 by my looking at several chapters for exposition, with- 
 out settling : yet my mind seemed to be blest from 
 above ; I passed an hour in prayer at one time with 
 much delight, especially in the w^ork of intercession. 
 
 19. Rode to Shelford to dinner; on the road at 
 first I was far from God, but my heart revived after- 
 wards, so that I found him my chief joy, and depended 
 on him for making me walk becomingly. 
 
 Supped at B — 's in the evening, and notwithstanding 
 a serious prayer beforehand, I was unwatchful, and 
 too much conformed to the world. I know not how to 
 conduct myself well in such cases. 
 
 •21. In my walk, my mind was not at peace. Alas, 
 my faith fails every day. I cannot trust God for 
 strengthening me and guiding me. Went in the after- 
 noon with some degree of affection and zeal to Wall's 
 Lane. Sat an hour with two old women, both above 
 fourscore, and talked to little effect apparently. Had 
 some comfort in prayer afterwards at home, and re- 
 ceived B — in a serious frame. How encouraging is it 
 to further exertion, that the Lord sends a blessing to the 
 least degree of diligence. At church Mr. Simeon 
 preached on John iv. 34. " My meat is to do the will 
 of him that sent me, and to finish his work." The 
 text struck me exceedingly, and so did his first division, 
 which showed our Lord's fervent affection, unwearied 
 diligence, and undaunted resolution in doing his work. 
 My soul was stirred up within me to follow his steps, 
 and to devote myself thus entirely to his service, as I 
 did not believe I had ever truly done. I almost trembled 
 to promise or vow before God, that I would be his for 
 ever, yet I gave up myself in prayer to be his servant, 
 and the follower of Jesus Christ. My desires are at 
 present very strong for a conformity to Christ, not so 
 much from a sense of the beauty of holiness, as from 
 the hope of glory and esteem of the superlative excel- 
 lency of such a life. Yet my heart sinks within me at 
 the prospect of the terrible opposition I shall have to 
 encounter from the world, from the flesh, and from the 
 
 K 2 
 
132 JOURNAL. [1804 
 
 Devil ; from the two former especially. Oh God, do 
 thou strengthen me, that my faith fail not, that I may 
 not be discom-aged till I have said, " It is finished." 
 
 22. Retained all this day the impression of yesterday, 
 and considered myself as bound by promise and by the con- 
 victions of yesterday, to be as one wholly devoted to God. 
 
 Passed the rest of the morning chiefly in the summer 
 house, hoping by meditation and prayer to have my 
 mind made spiritual, and prepared for usefulness in the 
 ministry, but gained little access to God from being 
 much under the influence of a self-dependent spirit. Yet 
 I continued in supplication, in the assurance that in his 
 good time I should find a blessing. Rode in the after- 
 noon to Boxworth, and on the road was rather about to 
 be with God than with him. 
 
 23. A little before prayer at noon I was trifling, and 
 in the exercise found myself praying in unbelief, with no 
 sense of God's majesty, nor any awful sense of ofl'ending 
 him. In some alarm I cried for help and mercy, and in 
 great pain and difficulty stirred up my heart to make a 
 few petitions in earnest. One section of Psalm cxix, 
 I found very suitable. I was grieved at my waste of 
 time, and want of communion wdth God, and general 
 unprofitableness ; but found a humbling efl*ect produced 
 by the inquiry into my own mind. Teach me, O Lord, 
 the way of thy statutes, and I shall keep it unto the end. 
 May I w^alk humbly through life, the faithful servant 
 and minister of Christ. 
 
 24. I was rather watchful during the morning, 
 and at times during the service, had a joyful sense 
 of the divine presence ; but as it was chiefly during the 
 hymns, I think these afl'ections suspicious. Let me 
 feel the same sweet heart-burning emotions in the midst 
 of a desert, and I shall then attribute them to the Spirit. 
 Several marks of love and esteem shown me by persons 
 I respect, raised my animal spirits to a great height, 
 while in the mean time my heart was proportionably 
 grieved. Oh how far preferable is one taste of the 
 sweet frame of love to all this crackling of thorns under 
 
1804] JOURNAL. 133 
 
 a pot. I desire something of which I have but a distant 
 glimmering, often disapproving of a life of true piety : 
 when shall I live forgetful of the world, with all my 
 thoughts, motives, pleasures, &c. centering in God ? 
 
 25. Was still anxious after deadness to the world, 
 and love to God, both for the sake of my own comfort, 
 and that I might be better qualified to go through the 
 service. So many base and bye ends are there even in 
 my desires after holiness. Went to — to tea, where I 
 hoped to be as one belonging to another world, but 
 self-seeking and pride showed too plainly that I be- 
 longed to this. Took the last chapter of Daniel, and 
 had too great freedom of speech for my seriousness 
 and peace. I not only was vain, but what is more, 
 I think that I showed my vanity. Wandered into 
 the walks in great dejection, when I met with that 
 man of God, Mr. Lloyd. He presently began on the 
 subject of pride, and other evils, indwelling in our 
 corrupted hearts, on all which I could talk justly 
 from experience, and was of course pleased with my 
 own penetration, and with being able to converse with 
 so confirmed a Christian ; but knowing is nothing ; '^ to 
 will is present with me, but how to perform that which 
 is good I find not." I know how, but 1 find not. Let 
 me but ply heart-work in secret, let me but walk alone 
 in communion with God, and I shall surelv be able to 
 offer him sacrifices more pure, though from the experi- 
 ence of others I am taught to expect never to be able to 
 escape from corruption, till I leave the body; my only 
 fear is, lest I should rest satisfied with having discovered 
 my own corruption, without labouring to overcome it. 
 But God who has sent me light to see these things, will 
 quicken the paralyzed powers of my soul, and help me 
 to throw off the poison of my heart. 
 
 26. Heard enough of the business of — to make me 
 sick of the world. Oh, what a relief it is to my bur- 
 dened soul, to depart in spirit from this scene of vanity 
 and error, to repose with God. Rose extremely care- 
 less of my thoughts, but in prayer had the same desires 
 
134 JOURNAL. [1804 
 
 as for the last three or four days. In my walk enjoyed 
 great peacefulness. I am far more satisfied than I ever 
 was, now that I see the corruption of my heart more, 
 and the provision made for its renovation by the Spirit, 
 in the great plan of Christ's redemption. "The law of 
 the spirit of life in Christ Jesus, hath made me free," &c. 
 and the w^hole of the first part of Rom. viii. appeared to 
 me to refer to sanctification. After dinner was at 
 H — 's with a party, but repented afterwards, as it was 
 time lost, no opportunity ofl^ering to speak for their 
 good. Went to the hospital, and read John iv, and at 
 seven to the society of young men, and expounded the 
 same chapter as last night, but wdth great dulness I 
 suppose, for one of them was set fast asleep. This 
 little event had a blessed effect on my spirit in prayer, 
 as my heart was humbled by it. * ^ Any 
 
 little marks of the contempt of men ar^ the most whole- 
 some diet I can use. The praises of men do not puff 
 me up proportionably, because I am used to them ; but 
 to be despised of men is not a customary thing wdth me, 
 and affects me very deeply. My pride is sensibly 
 wounded, and 1 think less of myself. What may be the 
 design of God in thus lowering me in the opinion of 
 those who hear me, and so apparently diminishing 
 my usefulness in the ministry, I am at a loss to con- 
 ceive. Perhaps he is teaching me the horrible nature of 
 the least sin, or is weaning my heart from finding my 
 comfort in any thing but him, since even his own people 
 are turned against me ; or is preparing my faith for 
 future trials, or is teaching me prudence, that I may 
 learn by bitter experience, how to behave myself in the 
 Church of God ; or perhaps all these. If it be for sin, 
 my heart shall acknowledge that it is a slight chastise- 
 ment compared with the just punishment of it. If it 
 be to teach me better things I wdll bless the Lord. But 
 enough of worldly things. " O that I had wangs like a 
 dove ! for then would I flee away and be at rest. Lo 
 then would I w-ander far off, and remain in the wilder- 
 ness. I would hasten my escape from the windy storm 
 
1804] JOURNAL. 135 
 
 and tempest." Thus my imagination takes to itself 
 wings, and flies to some wilderness w^here I may hold 
 converse in solitude with God. ' The w^orld forgetting 
 by the world forgot.' Read and prayed with my bed- 
 maker at night. 
 
 27. Was interrupted and distracted in prayer this 
 morning. A funeral and calls of friends took up my 
 time till eleven, afterwards read Persian, and made some 
 calculations in Trigonometry, in order to be familiar 
 with the use of Logarithms. But my mind by giddy 
 levity with a friend w^as grieved and injured. Yet it 
 pleased the Lord to restore me, and lead me in the paths 
 of righteousness for his name's sake. Dined at Mr. 
 Simeon's, and then I went to the hospital, and in going 
 remembered how frequently my treacherous heart had 
 been wandering after vanity. I went afterwards with a 
 party to an inspection of soldiers, but soon retired 
 really grieved that my poor fellows-creatures, w^ho were 
 there in such numbers, sought their happiness in such 
 miserable vanities. O how do they contrive to live 
 without God. I retired into the fields to regain reflec- 
 tion, and could say I came not hither by constraint but 
 choice. O what would have been the misery of my 
 mind by this time had I not known God ! Even in 
 much earlier youth, when far more w^as to be expected 
 from the w^orld, I looked round in distress, saying. Who 
 will show me any good ? I should now probably have 
 been living in the full indulgence of carnal lusts, and be 
 labouring after the largest possible acquisition of human 
 glory either in military life, though my frame .be feeble, 
 or by learning. Consequently I should now be tortured 
 by remorse and guilt, and my temper w^ould be bitter to 
 furiousness by disappointment and envy. As I have 
 this day been constrained to adore the mercy of God 
 w^ho hath saved me from recent snares, so will I now 
 praise him for having turned me from a life of woe to 
 the enjoyment of peace and hope. The work is real. 
 I can no more doubt it than t can my own existence. 
 The whole current of my desires is altered, I am walking 
 
136 JOURNAL. [1804 
 
 quite another way, though I am incessantly stumbling 
 in that way, yet the lusts of the flesh, the lusts of the 
 eyes, and the pride of life, engage more of my thoughts 
 than I should conceive possible in one who really finds 
 happiness only in that proportion as he sees himself a 
 stranger and a pilgrim on the earth. 
 
 28. Was interrupted in prayer this morning in 
 consequence of rising late. Read at the hospital after 
 dinner, 1 Pet. iv. and was about a sermon till church 
 time, many of my dear brethren in the ministry were 
 there. During service I felt great fear at times, though 
 I said to myself, what means this anxiety? Am I not 
 ashamed to speak in the presence of Jehovah, and shall 
 I be confounded before a few poor mortals ? In the 
 pulpit I was free from all fear, and delivered my sermon 
 on the blessed subject, 1 Tim. i. 15. with animation and 
 ease, and with more inward delight than I ever before 
 felt in the pulpit. But there was a great deal of pride 
 and vanity in my heart all the rest of the evening. 
 After supper called and spoke to poor S — for some 
 time, but in vain. 
 
 29. Alas ! my soul is becoming dead again, though 
 it hath a name to live ; so short, so distant am I in 
 prayer. In the morning I thought I had obtained the 
 possession of a heavenly temper, but very soon an occa- 
 sion, the slightest possible, shewed me that I was proud, 
 impatient, and peevish. The morning was taken up by 
 walking with others, by which I was left empty and 
 unhappy. At dinner I lifted up my heart with some 
 success, and in prayer in my rooms afterwards. Went 
 to the hospital with a good look out after my own 
 heart, lest it should rove in pursuit of earthly concerns. 
 Read to them Isaiah Iv. and conversed afterwards with 
 them in their respective wards. D — continued with 
 me all the evening, so that not a single thing has been 
 done this day in private. Read at night the three first 
 chapters of the Revelations, and found them as usual 
 very searching and awful. Prayed at night with fervor. 
 
 30. Some friends breakfasted with me this morning. 
 
1804] JOURNAL. 137 
 
 and I hoped by my prayer beforehand that I should have 
 been able in my conversation to stir them up, but I 
 failed, partly through their fault, but chiefly through my 
 own. How little heavenly-mindedness is there amongst 
 
 us ! teased and troubled my mind, but I felt 
 
 confidence in the evidence of God. After dinner found 
 my mind serious and earnest over 1 Thess. Read in the 
 hospital Matt. vii. I rode to Lolworth and sought to 
 be cheerful, sometimes from the prospect of going home, 
 sometimes from the consideration of all the subjects of 
 hope. But finding these unable to cheer me, I inquired 
 what was my real good ? the answer I ought to make is 
 ' the enjoyment of God,' but not being able to conceive 
 this at the time, I rather supposed that the perfection 
 of our natures in holiness was the chief blessing. 
 Remembering the blessed peace I had often enjoyed in 
 humiliation and love, my mind brightened again with 
 these holy tempers, and foresaw fulness of bliss in the 
 blessed exercise of them among the creatures of God to 
 all eternity. Found the poor man at Lolworth near 
 death. I continued two hours without affecting him. 
 When I asked him if I should pray with him, * If I 
 liked it,' he said. I then inquired why he was not ear- 
 nest that I should. He said he did not know that it 
 would do him much good. I expostulated with him, 
 and went to prayer, after which he seemed melted. I rode 
 home in somewhat of peace, though pride was at work. 
 July 1. (Sunday.) Walked a little before morning 
 prayer, and found by my wanderings and discontent in 
 how great a degree prayer had effected that sweet enjoy- 
 ment of divine things I have often felt in passing through 
 the walks just after its exercise. But afterwards I had a 
 most blessed view of God and divine things. O how great 
 is his excellency ! I found my heart at times pained for 
 want of words to praise him according to his excellent 
 greatness. Looking forward to complete conformity 
 to him as my great end of existence, my assurance was 
 full. I said almost with tears, " who shall separate me 
 from the love of Christ? Shall tribulations," &c. HIS 
 
138 JOURNAL. [1804 
 
 power being supreme delivered me from every fear. 
 At church enjoyed some deadness to the world, but at 
 the receiving of the sacrament my heart was hard and 
 insensible. I knew not what to do. I seemed to have 
 a heart of adamant, and full of pride and earthly 
 
 thoughts. # * * 5|& :J{: 
 
 * # * * # Heard Dr. 
 
 P — preach for two hours ; his profusion of Greek and 
 Latin quotations excited my mirth, when his unprofit- 
 ableness ought to have raised very different emotions in 
 me. After church at night walked in the Fellows' 
 garden with four friends ; our conversation was tolerably 
 spiritual, but my heart was swelling fast with pride and 
 love of the world, and fear of losing the opinion of 
 those who love and honour me. But I know my 
 refuge. God is able to humble me, and to make me 
 die to every thing but himself. In prayer at night God 
 either shewed me myself or else Satan tempted me to 
 his own sin, but my soul w^as filled w^ith greater misery 
 and horror than I ever yet experienced. I know not 
 how to describe my feelings, nor how I got into them, 
 but it was after metaphysical inquiries into the nature 
 and end of my being, and in what consists the happi- 
 ness of the soul. My thoughts were those of cool 
 deliberate pride ; there was no sudden repugnance to 
 the divine will through the love of the fiesh, but a sort 
 of calm rejection of the authority of God, and of the 
 necessity of humiliation before him. In the utmost 
 agony of soul I sometimes hurried to the thoughts of 
 my being a creature, sometimes to my having been 
 saved through mercy from hell. I was afraid to leave 
 off praying in this frame, lest I should sink down to 
 dwell with the devil and his angels, whose spirit of 
 rebellion I seemed precisely to have obtained. Went 
 to bed commending my soul earnestly to Christ, and 
 trusting that by to-morrow these distressing thoughts 
 would have passed away. 
 
 2. But they returned to fill my soul with anguish ; 
 after an hour spent in prayer the Lord mercifully 
 
1804] JOURNAL. 139 
 
 assisted me, and the sense of my danger and blas- 
 phemous impiety melted me into tears. I now hoped 
 that in answer to my prayers, I should now and ever 
 take my place among the most worthless of the crea- 
 tures of God, and feel among my brethren, as one who 
 was not worthy to be trodden under foot : but through 
 the day, was unhappy from the real actings of un- 
 belief. I was afraid, or suspected that the same 
 atheistical thoughts were still in my head, and I 
 dreaded to examine it ; and I thought also that God's 
 anger was kindled, and he was departing from me. On 
 my return from my walk, read some of the Old Testament 
 with the hope of seeing my own insignificance, and 
 God's greatness and power : then prayed and put up some 
 strong cries for help and faith, in which I was greatly 
 encouraged by considering that there was no one else 
 who would or could do me any good, but God, with 
 whom I was alone. At King's chapel, my heart 
 ascended in faith to God my Saviour, and I was in- 
 clined to have my heart drawn out in tenderness and 
 love towards God and man. I confess that I know not 
 the end of my being, nor wherein consists the happi- 
 ness of the soul, and I tremble to inquire, lest my be- 
 clouded reason, &c. (Vide Memoir.) 
 
 3. My thoughts this morning were rather of a dif- 
 ferent kind, lest I should be carried away by the vanities 
 of a public day. In the senate house, where I was cre- 
 ated M. A. I was not in general forgetful of my soul, 
 though I caught myself repeatedly in trains of vain 
 thoughts ; was empty and tired for want of being alone ; 
 attended a society where Mr. Simeon lectured on the 
 words, ' a plant of renown ; ' towards the last, I found 
 some returning admiration and affection for the Lord 
 Jesus Christ, but the momentary sunshine was overcast 
 materially by clouds of unbelief. The dreadful pride of 
 my heart, as it was discovered to me on Sunday night, 
 has made me almost desperate. I know not what to 
 do, I am afraid of never coming to God or Christ with 
 the humility of a creature. The only thing that revives 
 
140 JOURNAL. [1804 
 
 my heart, is the thought of the possibility of becoming 
 the meanest creature of God serving him : and I de- 
 clare, that were all the glory my imagination could in- 
 vent offered to me, with my present proud heart, I 
 would not, I could not take it; nay, on the contrary, 
 so miserable would it make me, by increasing my pride 
 and rebellion against God, that rather than have it, I 
 would prefer being blotted out of existence for ever. 
 And this I say, not from any deep conviction of the pro- 
 priety of such submission, but only from feeling what is 
 my real happiness. And now I think I have stated my 
 
 rtOQ/i "Jr 'P ■Jp !5p 7(f 
 
 * * It is all in vain that I remember 
 
 myself to be created out of the dust, that I know 
 nothing of natural things, that I can neither do, say, or 
 think any thing, except by his permission. Yet all are 
 in vain to bring me down. I pray as usual, yet cursed 
 unbelief and pride send me away without a blessing. 
 Nevertheless, now for the shield of faith to quench these 
 fiery darts of the devil. At present my desires after 
 humiliation are intensely strong ; I do not know why ; 
 but if this Satanic spirit remain, the cloud may spread 
 over these desires also, and then all is over. I there- 
 fore commend my soul to Christ ; with great difficulty, 
 forcing my way through the crowd of opposing enemies 
 within, and I think also Satan without : it is the pecu- 
 liar dreadfulness of these thoughts that they dishonour 
 the Saviour, and deny his authority, and tear me 
 away from my best and only friend. Yet they shall 
 not, if Christ give me grace to stand firm. Be strong, 
 my soul, why art thou afraid '? This is the very time 
 to shew the strength of faith. I will even, against 
 hope, believe in hope. 
 
 4. To-day I would hope that the Lord hath heard 
 my prayer, in delivering me from spiritual pride, for I 
 have had no returns of it in the same distracting degree. 
 Walked to Shelford, where the time passed not without 
 religious conversation, but my mind was carnal for want 
 of reading and prayer. 
 
1804] JOURNAL. 141 
 
 5. Walked, with my mind in peace. In the after- 
 noon I was employed in making calls, &c. By much con- 
 verse with men, even on religious subjects, my thoughts 
 are not refreshed from heaven. Last night in prayer, 
 in recollection of my unprofitableness and waste of time, 
 I found my soul drawn out in strong desires to live 
 a life of entire devotedness and prayer ; yet here is 
 another day spent in like manner, nothing done, and my 
 thoughts scattered. How I long to bury myself in the 
 country. 
 
 6. Had my heart considerably affected in prayer this 
 morning, and wrote a sermon with some diligence, as in 
 the sense of divine presence. At noon found peace in my 
 soul from I John iii. and iv. and in walking, though hu- 
 man feelings often intruded. After dinner, drew nigh the 
 Lord in prayer, and wrote part of a sermon. The sudden 
 appearance of evil thoughts made me very unhappy, but 
 I found refuge in God. O may the Lord receive my 
 wandering heart, though it is continually backsliding 
 
 t from him, and make me to find in himself, the source 
 and centre of beauty, a sweet and satisfied delight, O 
 what sublime, what rapturous views of God and divine 
 things might I enjoy with a little more watchfulness. 
 For a moment my mind seems about to be filled, and 
 all its faculties absorbed, but the spirit passes on and I 
 am lost in dulness. 
 
 7. Extremely dull and cold in prayer, through 
 wandering of thought before, and interruption in it, as 
 also very principally for want of scripture reading and 
 meditation. Yet through humiliation on account of it, 
 I passed the rest of the morning in the sense of God's 
 presence, and with tolerable diligence. After supper, 
 preparing for my departure. Read Acts xx. O that I 
 may be, as I desire to be, dead to the world, and have 
 my thoughts taken up with Christ and his service. How 
 repeatedly has this blessed chapter made me feel the 
 vanity of the world. 
 
 8. (Sunday.) Rose at an early hour, but had little 
 power in prayer. I was watchful against wandering, 
 
142 JOURNAL. [1804 
 
 but my heart was not engaged. Rode home from Lol- 
 worth in a great storm of rain. I had grand views of 
 God, and felt no doubt but that I should be received, 
 were I to be taken from this world ; but I felt that mv 
 only hope was in Christ, for not one thought, word, or 
 work of mine, w^as without sin. In the evening service, 
 I enjoyed great delight in God at times, and a desire to 
 be his. The most satisfying feeling at those times is the 
 w^orthiness of God and Christ. 
 
 9. Set out on my journey in greater recollection of 
 mind than ever heretofore ; on the road the contempla- 
 tion of myself shewed me the workings of vanity. 
 
 Called on Mr. Grant, who told me that in case M 
 
 should accept the Missionary Church, there was no 
 immediate opening for me, but he had little doubt there 
 would be a chaplainship vacant before the close of the 
 next spring season. The dejection in which Mr. 
 Grant's answer left me, drew me nearer to God in 
 prayer. My determination to go out, w^ith God's direc- 
 tion, did not seem at all shaken by the difficulties I 
 foresaw. 
 
 July 10. Breakfasted with S — , w^hose account of 
 his approaching marriage with a lady of uncommon 
 excellence, rather excited in me a desire after a similar 
 state — but I strove against it. 
 
 Dined with Mr. Wilberforce at Palace Yard, It was 
 very agreeable, as there was no one else. Speaking of 
 the slave trade, I mentioned the words, " Shall I not 
 visit for these things," and found my heart so affected 
 that I could with difficulty refrain from tears. Went 
 with Mr. W. to the House of Commons, where I was 
 surprised and charmed with Mr. Pitt's eloquence. Ah, 
 thought I, if these powers of oratory w^ere now employed 
 in recommending the Gospel — but as it is, he talks with 
 great seriousness and energy about that which is of no 
 consequence at all. At night met w^ith — , who had 
 just received a Lieutenant's commission in the navy ; he 
 was in company with some other officers, and used the 
 name of God in profane swearing. As he was relating 
 
1804] JOURNAL. 143 
 
 an account I could not interrupt him to make my 
 remarks, and I gave him no reprimand, except slightly 
 towards the last, in consequence of which, at night, I 
 found my conscience exceedingly grieved, and saw myself 
 vile, as one who had denied Christ before men. 
 
 1 1. Left London for Bath. I was on the top of the 
 coach, and the wind blew exceedingly cold, so that for 
 the first fifty miles, I was in great pain from the cold. 
 I was unable to turn away my mind from the complaints 
 of the body, but continued peevish and discontented, 
 except at one or two intervals, when I forced my 
 thoughts away. Alas ! these are the very occasions, 
 when I should exercise myself, in living by faith. I 
 was then most dreadfully assailed by evil thoughts, but 
 at the very height, prayer availed, and I was delivered, 
 and during the rest of the journey, enjoyed great peace, 
 and a strong desire to live for Christ alone, forsaking 
 the pleasures of the world, marriage, &c. There were 
 on the coach, a purser of a man-of-war, and a gentle- 
 man's servant, to whom I found an opportunity of 
 reading Luke xi. 
 
 12 — 19. Had no opportunity of getting at my 
 journal-book. On the morning of the 12th left Bath 
 for Exeter, and on 13th arrived at Plymouth. Conti- 
 nued 14th and 15th with my dear cousin T. H. On 
 the 16th reached Truro, and went immediately to 
 Lamorran. 18th walked to Truro, found some oppor- 
 tunity of speaking to a poor young woman, who had 
 given up a profession of religion. 19th sat in a wood 
 for two hours, thinking on Isaiah Iv. 1 — 3. on which I 
 meant to preach. In the house afterwards, and in 
 prayer, in which I engaged with a great conviction of 
 my having back-slidden, I found my soul filled with se- 
 riousness and solemnity before God. 
 
 20. I f©und myself unable to introduce any con- 
 versation, as my heart was not close to God, nor 
 touched with love to God. Walked to Lamorran, and 
 at times had enjoyment of divine things. 
 
 21. Had a very interesting conversation with my 
 
144 JOURNAL. [1804 
 
 dear — on the New Testament history and our Lord, 
 during which I had an opportunity of telling her the 
 most important things of the Gospel. In my w^alk to 
 Truro was tempted to great pride, but my uneasiness 
 under every access of glory to myself, makes me earnest 
 in general, to give it to the Lord, to whom alone it 
 belongs. 
 
 22. Rose late, but in prayer after breakfast, the 
 Spirit seemed to breathe on my soul. I continued in 
 prayer a good while, and my heart was enlarged. Went 
 to Truro church, where my own vain heart wandered. 
 In the afternoon walked to Kenwyn, with — , who I 
 rejoice to find has not forgot the religious impressions 
 of his youth. I preached there on I Tim. i. 15. to a 
 congregation not large, but consisting of my acquaint- 
 ance almost entirely, people who are in the habit of 
 hearing truth. I heard the commendations of several, 
 during the course of the evening, which gave me some 
 uneasiness, by fanning the flame of vanity. Visited 
 some sick people after tea, with one of whom my soul 
 was much drawn out in prayer. But no outward duties 
 leave me in a humble spiritual state of themselves, often 
 on the contrary they flurry me, and fill my heart with 
 pride. 
 
 23. At night walked through the w^oods to — , in 
 a sober and placid frame. Supped with the family and 
 slept there. How wretched to be in a house where 
 there is a general disregard to religion. Though I am 
 unw^orthy, through my carnal-mindedness, to be of the 
 household of faith, and to be a fellow-citizen w^ith the 
 saints, yet it would be perfect misery* to me to live with 
 such people as I meet w^ith, ignorant of God, and lovers 
 of the world . 
 
 24. Breakfasted at Lamorran, and retired for 
 two or three hours, to write a sermon for next Sunday. 
 S — walked a little way with me towards Truro. I told 
 her gently of her not adorning the doctrine of God, by a 
 cheerful and contented temper. She was in tears at 
 the thought of her inward corruption as she said. I 
 
1804] JOURNAL. 14.J 
 
 went on my way fearful I had not been tender enough 
 in my behaviour or my thoughts. Dined at — 's. 
 Conversation as usual utterly insipid. That something 
 might be said, I conformed too much in levity to the 
 rest. I find it far more difficult to preserve a devout 
 and serious frame amongst my friends here, among 
 whom I have always hitherto appeared a gay young 
 man, than in Cambridge. I fear there is a very great 
 deal of dissimulation in my profession. 
 
 25. After dinner there was a meeting between — 
 and — . — behaved in a most furious unreasonable 
 manner, which so affected me, that though I looked up 
 continually for help, I could scarcely speak. 
 
 28. Rode to St. Hilary, with my mind all the way 
 thinking on nothing, thus giving the tempter an occa- 
 sion against me. • 
 
 29; (Sunday.) Read and prayed in the morning 
 before service with seriousness, striving against those 
 thoughts which oppressed me all the rest of the day. 
 At St. Hilary church in the morning, my thoughts 
 wandered from the service, and I suffered the keenest 
 disappointment. Miss L — G — did not come. Yet 
 in great pain, I blessed God for having kept her away, 
 as she might have been a snare to me. These things 
 would be almost incredible to another, and almost to 
 myself, were I not taught by daily experience, that 
 whatever the world may say, or I may think of myself, 
 I am a poor, wretched, sinful, contemptible worm. 
 
 Called after tea on Miss L— G — ■, and walked with 
 her and — , conversing on spiritual subjects. All the 
 rest of the evening and at night I could not keep her 
 out of my mind. I felt too plainly that I loved her 
 passionately. The direct opposition of this, to my 
 devotedness to God in the missionary way, excited no 
 small tumult in my mind. In conversation, having no 
 divine sweetness or peace, my cheerfulness was affected, 
 and consequently very hurtful to my conscience. At 
 night I continued an hour and a half in prayer, striving 
 against this attachment. I endeavoured to analyze it, 
 
 L 
 
146 JOURNAL. [1804 
 
 that I might see how base, and mean, and worthless 
 such a love to a speck of earth, was, compared with 
 divine love. Then I read the most solemn parts of 
 Scriptm-e, to realize to myself death and eternity, and 
 these attempts were sometimes blest. One while I was 
 about to triumph, but in a moment my heart had wan- 
 dered to the beloved idol! I went to bed in great pain, 
 yet still rather superior to the enemy ; but in dreams 
 her image returned, and I awoke in the night, with my 
 mind full of her. No one can say how deeply this 
 unhappy affection has fixed itself ; since it has nothing 
 selfish in it that I can perceive, but is founded on the 
 highest admiration of her piety and manners. 
 
 30. Rose in great peace. God, by secret influence, 
 seemed to have caused the tempest of self-will to sub- 
 side. Rode away from St. Hilary to Gwennap in peace 
 of mind, and meditated most of the way on Rom. viii. 
 I again devoted myself to the Lord, and with more of 
 my will than last night. I was much disposed to think 
 of subjects entirely placed beyond the world, and had 
 strong desires, though with heavy opposition from my 
 corrupt nature, after that entire deadness to this world, 
 which David Brainerd manifested. At night I found 
 myself to have backslidden a long way from the life of 
 godliness, to have declined very much since my coming 
 into Cornwall, but especially since I went to St. Hilary. 
 Sat up late, and read the last chapter and other parts 
 of Revelations, and was deeply affected. Prayed with 
 more success than lately. 
 
 31. Read and prayed this morning with increasing 
 victory over my self-will. The 7th of Romans was parti- 
 cularly suitable ; it was agreeable to me to speak to 
 God of my own corruption and helplessness. Walked 
 in the afternoon to Redruth, after having prayed over 
 the Epistle to Ephesians with much seriousness. On 
 the road I was enabled to triumph at last, and found my 
 heart as pleased with the prospect of a single life in 
 missionary labours as ever. What is the exceeding 
 greatness of his power to usward who believe ! 
 
1804] LETTER. 147 
 
 August 3. Wrote part of a sermon, and was very 
 much affected with considering the holy life of our Lord 
 on earth, and in my walk out, found my soul breathing 
 after a conforaiity to him. 
 
 5. Walked in great peace to St. MichaeFs, and 
 preached there on John iv. 10. My two sisters heard 
 me for the first time. As I walked afterwards with — 
 to Lamorran, I found she had been deeply affected, and 
 by the rest of her conversation I received great satis- 
 faction. Preached at Lamorran, on the parable of the 
 lost sheep. There was the greatest attention. In the 
 evening I walked by the water-side till late, having my 
 heart full of praise, at first, to God, for having given me 
 such hopes of — . I laboured greatly with an empty 
 unsettled mind, but latterly my spirit rose again to 
 heaven, and enjoyed great deadness to the world, and 
 clear views of the work which lay before me in this 
 world, and of my passage into eternity. 
 
 6. In conversation at night, having occasion to 
 mention to one another, the acts of great wickedness we 
 had heard of, such as murder, &c., my soul was filled 
 wath the most awful thoughts. I felt deep concern 
 for my poor fellow-mortals, and fear of God's judg- 
 ments, but could not conceive that I could be capable 
 of murder. My utter unprofitableness and daily waste 
 of time came home to my conscence, and I lay down 
 with strong desires after a life of more devotedness and 
 diligence. 
 
 Lamorran, August 6, 1804. 
 
 My dear Sargent, 
 
 ***** 
 
 How can I sufficiently adore the singular benefits of 
 God to my family ; we are now brothers and sisters for 
 eternity. How cheerfully can I now go forth to pro- 
 claim the glories of him who hath done so much for us. 
 # * * # * 
 
 Respecting your approaching union with that excel- 
 lent lady, I have nothing to add at present, but that you 
 
 L 2 
 
148 JOURNAL. [1804 
 
 have my prayers, both of you ; and particularly does it 
 seem to me a necessary petition that you may not in 
 your mutual affection forget the Saviour. May he him- 
 self show us the vanity of the enjoyments of this world ; 
 and instead of pleasing ourselves with the prospect of a 
 happy continuance in it, let us contemplate with greater 
 satisfaction the moment of our departure from it. * 
 
 •ii^ ^ 41^ 
 
 ^ TT 'W 
 
 7. Continued seven hours in the wood this mor- 
 ning. In prayer my soul was convinced of its trifling 
 unconcern about souls, and was stirred up to pray for a 
 serious earnestness, which the Lord imparted to me in 
 some measure. I wrote with my mind solemnized. In 
 the evening read Jon. Edw^ards on ' Original Sin,' one 
 mark was a want of love to God ; how deeply do I 
 bear this mark engraved in my nature. In prayer at 
 night I was made to feel a little more love to the bles- 
 sed God. 
 
 8. Walked from Tressilian to Lamorran, with my 
 mind unsettled at first, but in complaining of the dead- 
 ness of my heart, and asking to be shown something 
 for which my love to God might be kindled, my heart 
 was raised, doubtless by the Spirit, to great admiration 
 and love to God, without having in view any of his par- 
 ticular benefits, and the prominent feature of this affec- 
 tion in my mind at the time, was an unwillingness so 
 much as to think any thing that might offend him. 
 
 At Mr. B — 's, met Capt. — his lady and suite ; he 
 was sailing one Sunday, a few weeks before, when by his 
 climbing to the mast-head, the boat upset and went 
 down in an instant ; he was supported by his clothes, 
 but was taken up for dead. I asked him whether he 
 did not receive it as an awful warning not ' to take his 
 pleasure on God's holy day ; ' he took the Lord's name 
 in vain immediately, but he went without my having an 
 opportunity to tell him of it. At night my illness gave 
 me near views of death, but I was enabled to draw near 
 to God in faith, to be saved as a poor sinner. 
 
1804] JOURNAL. 149 
 
 10. Breakfasted with — , he presently entered into 
 the highest points of the Calvinistic scheme ; his views 
 appeared to me unscriptural, but I wanted to leave these 
 things for others more practical, for my heart was much 
 frozen by the conversation ; he had but a slight opinion 
 of missionary work, and on the whole, his behaviour 
 depressed my spirits a little, though he has, I know, 
 great affection for me. Walked in pain and weakness 
 to Truro, with my mind scarcely reaching beyond the 
 body. My illness made me doubt if I was designed for 
 foreign service, but when this doubt began to disquiet 
 tny mind, I was refreshed by considering that the Lord 
 would make me clearly understand his will if I left it to 
 him. In the evening read Jon. Edwards. 
 
 11. Was very ill and weak all day, better at night, 
 and had much enjoyment of God. 
 
 12. Went by water to Philleigh, where I preached ; 
 dined with Mr. B — ; finding no opportunity of talking 
 on religious subjects, I conformed to their worldly man- 
 ner and conversation so much, that in the afternoon 
 going to church, I found my conscience dreadfully 
 grieved, and did not recover from an unbelieving 
 sense of guilt till I went away from them ; but I 
 confessed my iniquity to the Lord, and found returning 
 peace. On the water, and in the wood, as I returned, 
 my heart was humbled and tender. During the whole 
 time of being at Philleigh, I had no attack of those 
 pains, which would have prevented me entirely from 
 preaching. This I considered as a remarkable answer 
 to prayer. 
 
 13. Walked to Truro, and found my wandering- 
 heart rested on the way by reading the word. 
 
 14. Read ' Edwards on Original Sin.' Dined at 
 — 's. The conversation was insipid in a very great 
 degree. No doubt I might have introduced better sub- 
 jects very easily, were my own heart in a properly spiri- 
 tual state. Mr. — walked with me to Mopus, and 
 heard from me as much as I could say with propriety. 
 
 16. Read Edwards ; rode to Truro with C — , unable 
 
150 JOURNAL. [1804 
 
 to bring him to any useful conversation. Dined at — s, 
 who used every argument to dissuade me from going to 
 India, some not without weight, expressing withal great 
 regard for me. In the evening called on the two — 's, 
 sent I think by their Lord to them, for they were in 
 great want and dejection that none visited them. 
 
 17. Rode to Lanivet with great deadness, except 
 when I read the word of God. O how I blessed that 
 precious book, for quickening me to conformity to 
 saints and holy angels, although of a better world. 
 After tea, with — , to the ruins of St. Bennels. I could 
 wish to have been alone, but on our return, we rested 
 with difficulty on the subject of religion. I found to 
 my surprise and grief, his mind tinctured with infidelity. 
 I was enabled to answer his arguments clearly, from 
 Butler and Jon. Edwards. 
 
 18. Morning passed in reading Homer and Mathe- 
 matics with — , for I could get him to speak on no 
 other subjects. In our walk we touched again on the 
 subject of religion ; it was my chief endeavour to point 
 out the necessity of prayer for illumination, even if he 
 believed in natural religion only ; also of a determina- 
 tion of acting up to the light he should receive, and 
 conforming his life to the gospel. Also of enquiring 
 with the humility of a creature. The old — made me 
 a present of Thomas-a-Kempis de Imitatione Christi, 
 and seemed much affected at parting with me. 
 
 19. Though I lay down in a temper of poverty of 
 spirit, my first thoughts, seized by the concerns of time 
 and sense, led me to a proud and discontented temper ; 
 but prayer brought me to a better spirit. Rode to St. 
 Michael's, and preached there on Dan. v. 23, 24. to a 
 small congregation ; walked back with — . Our con- 
 versation was somewhat on the vanity of the world. My 
 heart afterwards was a little ruffled by the expectation 
 of the great concourse of people to hear me, but my 
 tranquillity was restored by prayer; yet I cannot pre- 
 serve for any time, a sense of inward communion with 
 God. The church at Kenwyn was quite full, many 
 
1804] JOURNAL. 151 
 
 outside, and many obliged to go away. At first be- 
 ginning the service, I felt very uneasy from the number 
 of people gazing, but my peace soon returned, and I 
 prayed and delivered my sermon with composure and 
 earnestness, on 2 Cor. v. 20, 21. Walked with — , 
 and tried, I am afraid to no purpose, to turn his waver- 
 ing mind to religion. Felt chagrined in the evening at 
 not hearing my sermon praised. Wretched creature, 
 full of sin and ignorance ; the less reason I have to be 
 proud, the more eagerly do I court applause. O the 
 blessedness of living unknown. But my soul is en- 
 couraged, that I feel the want of heavenly abstraction 
 from sin and the world, and the certainty that I may 
 receive it from above. Read Thomas a Kempis in the 
 evening. 
 
 22. Walked to St. Hilary, with my mind agreeably 
 employed all the way, in learning the Epistle to the 
 Ephesians by heart. 
 
 23. Walked to the sea-side, and found a large cave 
 singularly fitted for meditation ; I prayed with some 
 sense of the awful presence of God, for the assistance of 
 the Spirit, in writing on Rev. xxii. 17. 
 
 24. Abridged ' Jon. Edwards on Original Sin.' 
 Walked out, and my mind was kept much from wander- 
 ing. In the evening read Thomas a Kempis with much 
 profit in my room. 
 
 25. Read the Pilgrim's Progress this morning to — . 
 Walked out, and had at times my heart exalted to God, 
 but my affections were only transient. After much ex- 
 ertion, I got an insight into the meaning of Rev. xxii. 
 17. and walked up and down with my soul very solemnly 
 impressed, and my ideas flowing naturally. Read 
 a Kempis in the evening. 
 
 26. Rose early, and w^alked out, invited by the 
 beauty of the morning. Many different pleasing thoughts 
 crowded on my mind, as I viewed the sea and rocks — 
 mount and bay, and thought of the person who lived 
 near it ; but for want of checking my natural spirits, 
 and fixing on one subject of thought, I was not much 
 
152 JOURNAL. [1804 
 
 benefitted by my meditations. Walked in the evening 
 with Mr. G — , and Lydia, up the hill, with the most 
 beautiful prospect of the sea, &c. but I was unhappy 
 from feeling the attachment to Lydia, for I was un- 
 wilhng to leave her. 
 
 27. Walked to Marazion, with my heart more de- 
 livered from its idolatry, and enabled to look steadily 
 and peacefully to God. Reading in the afternoon to 
 Lydia alone, from Dr. Watts, there happened to be 
 among other things a prayer on entire preference of God 
 to the creature. Now, thought I, here am I in the pre- 
 sence of God, and my idol. So I used the prayer for 
 myself, and addressed it to God, who answered it, I 
 think, for my love was kindled to God and divine 
 things, and I felt cheerfully resigned to the will of God, 
 to forego the earthly joy, which I had just been desi- 
 ring with my whole heart. I continued conversing with 
 her, generally with my heart in heaven, but every now and 
 then resting on her. Parted with Lydia, perhaps for 
 ever in this life, with a sort of uncertain pain, which I 
 knew would increase to greater violence afterwards, on 
 reflection. Walked to St. Hilary, determining in great 
 tumult and inward pain^ to be the servant of God. All 
 the rest of the evening, in company, or alone, I could 
 think of nothing but her excellences. My efforts were 
 however, through mercy, not in vain, to feel the vanity 
 of this attachment to the creature. Read in Thomas 
 a Kempis many chapters, directly to the purpose ; the 
 shortness of time, tlie awfulness of death, and its con- 
 sequences, rather settled my mind to prayer. I devoted 
 myself unreservedly to the service of the Lord, to him, 
 as to' one who knew the great conflict within, and mv 
 firm resolve through his grace of being his, though it 
 should be with much tribulation. 
 
 28. Rose with a heavy heart, and took leave of St. 
 Hilary, where all the happier hours of my early life, 
 were passed. — and — , accompanied me in the chaise 
 a few miles, but the moment they left me, I walked on 
 dwelling at large on the excellence of Lydia. I had a 
 
1804] JOURNAL. 153 
 
 few faint struggles to forget her, and delight in God, 
 hut they were ineffectual. Among the many motives, 
 to the subjection of self-will, I found the thought of the 
 entire unworthiness of a soul escaped from hell, to 
 choose its own will before God's, most bring my soul to a 
 right frame. So that while I saw the necessity of re- 
 signing, for the service of God, all those joys, for the 
 loss of w^hich, I could not perceive how any thing in 
 heaven or earth, could be a compensation, I said amen ! 
 
 29. I walked to Truro, with my mind almost all the 
 way taken up with Lydia. But once reasoning in this 
 way, If God made me, and wills my happiness, as I do 
 not doubt, then he is providing for my good by separa- 
 ting me from her ; this reasoning convinced my mind. 
 I felt very solemnly and sweetly, the excellence of serv- 
 ing God faithfully, of following Christ and his apostles, 
 and meditated w^ith great joy, on the approach of the 
 end of this world. Yet still I enjoyed, every now and 
 then, the thought of walking hereafter with her, in the 
 realms of glory, conversing on the things of God. My 
 mind the rest of the evening was much depressed. I 
 had no desire to live in this world ; scarcely could I say, 
 where I would be, or what I would do, now that my 
 self-w^ill was so strongly counteracted. Thus God waits 
 patiently for my return from my backsliding, which I 
 would do immediately. If he were to oifer me the 
 utmost of my wishes, I would say, not so, Lord ! " Not 
 my will, but thine be done." 
 
 30. Passed the morning rather idly, in reading lives 
 of pious women. I felt an indescribable mixture of 
 opposing emotions. At one time, about to ascend with 
 delight to God, who had permitted me to aspire after 
 the same glory, but oftener called down to earth, by my 
 earthly good. Major Sandys calling, continued till din- 
 ner conversing about India. I consented to stay a day 
 with him at Helston, but the thought of being so near 
 Marazion, renewed my pain, especially taken in con- 
 nexion with my going thither on the subject of my de- 
 parture. After dinner walked in the garden for two 
 
154 JOURNAL. [1804 
 
 hours, reasoning with my perverse heart, and through 
 God's mercy not without success. You preach up dead- 
 ness to the world, and yet not an example of it ! Now 
 is the time, my soul, if you cemnot feel that it is best to 
 bear the cross, to trust God for it. This will be true 
 faith. If I were put in possession of my idol, I should 
 immediately say and feel, that God alone, was, notwith- 
 standing, the only good, and to Him I should seek imme- 
 diately. Again I weighed the probable temporal con- 
 sequence of having my own will gratified ; the dreadful 
 pain of separation by death, after being united, together 
 with the distress I might bring upon her whom I loved. 
 All these things were of small influence, till I read the 
 Epistle to the Hebrews, by which my mind, made to 
 consider divine things attentively, was much more freed 
 from earthly things. " Let us come boldly to the 
 throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy and find 
 grace to help in time of need," was very precious and 
 comforting to me. I have found grace to help in this 
 time of need ; I still want a humble spirit to wait upon 
 the Lord, I almost called God to witness, that I truly 
 resigned my pleasure to his, as if I wished it to be re- 
 membered. In the evening, had a serious and solemn 
 time in prayer, chiefly for the influences of the Spirit, 
 and rose with my thoughts fixed on eternity. I longed 
 for death, and called on the glorious day to hasten, but 
 it was in order to be free from the troubles of this 
 world. 
 
 31. Passed the morning partly in reading and 
 writing, but chiefly in business. Rode to Rosemundy, 
 wdth my mind at first very unhappy, at the necessity of 
 mortifying my self-will, in the same particulars as for 
 some days. In conversing on the subject of India w^ith 
 Major Sandys, I could not help communicating the 
 pain I felt at parting w^ith the person, to whom I was 
 attached ; but by thus dwelling on the subject, my heart 
 was far more distressed than ever. Found my mind 
 more easy and submissive to God at night in prayer. 
 
 September 1. Drove to Helston, and enjoyed peace 
 
1804] JOURNAL. 155 
 
 in general. In the evening, Mr. S. the curate of Hel- 
 ston, and I, walked together in the garden. I rejoiced 
 to find him seriously disposed, and endeavoured to give 
 him what I thought scriptural views of the doctrines 
 of the gospel. 
 
 2. (Sunday.) Preached at Helston church, and 
 greatly offended some ladies, who said they would not 
 go again to hear such doctrine ; accordingly in the after- 
 noon, the genteel part of the congregation was smaller, 
 but the poor more numerous. Mr. Andrews, a metho- 
 dist, begged me to preach at their chapel, which I refused 
 of course. I retired to my room, and found my 
 heart much enlarged in solemn prayer, and views of 
 eternity. Walked in a peaceful contemplation of the 
 wisdom of God, as being a ground of resignation. Yvhen 
 my mind was sufficiently composed into submission, I 
 joined Mr. S. and pressed him closely on leaving off 
 cards, plays, dances, and forsaking the company of the 
 world. He seemed much convinced, and expressed 
 great desire of a more serious devotion of himself to the 
 service of God. Mr. O. who had been a missionary in 
 the West Indies for twelve years, called on me after- 
 wards, and gave me much delightful information con- 
 cerning the work. 
 
 3. Mr. S. called on me this morning, to let me 
 know, how much he was obliged to me for my conver- 
 sation with him, and that he would not but have seen 
 me on any account. The Lord teach him to save him- 
 self and them that hear him ! I w^as about to take my 
 leave when — begged to speak a few words, which 
 brought me to ask him about balls, which I had heard 
 he sometimes attended. He was convinced by the 
 arguments I adduced, and confessed he had been acting 
 w^rong, through ignorance and fear of man, and deter- 
 mined to have nothing more to do with them. From 
 these things I saw clearly the hand of providence, con- 
 ducting me to Helston, whither I never dreamt of going 
 till just before. The papers relating to the Mission 
 Church, I read through, and from them and Major 
 
156 JOURNAL. [1804 
 
 Sandys' accounts, felt very strong desires to go forth 
 and preach. Rode to Redruth after dinner, with my 
 mind unsettled, through love of the world, or rather 
 my idol. 
 
 4. In prayer this morning, as last night, was taken 
 up with desiring that heavenly abstraction from the 
 world, necessary for writing on Rev. xxii. 17 ; found 
 the utmost difficulty to fix my thoughts on the subject. 
 At night walked to Truro, with my mind generally at 
 peace, and rejoicing in God, devoting myself to him, 
 with an entire resignation of idols, the world, &c. 
 
 5. Writing on Revelations xxii. 17, though greatly 
 distracted by business : passed the evening with S — , and 
 took occasion to beseech her to give up herself wholly 
 to God, without which she could not be safe. Read 
 some chapters of the Acts to her. 
 
 6. Finished the Acts with her. She engaged to be 
 regular in the performance of those outward duties 
 which I recommended. Retired for a while to my Bethel, 
 and after writing a few pages, took my leave of it with 
 solemn and affectionate prayer, that I might preach in 
 the concourse of men in foreign lands those truths 
 which I had received and meditated upon there, and 
 that if I should be spared to revisit it, it might be with 
 great increase of grace in my heart, and after an abun- 
 dant harvest of souls. Much of the rest of the day, till 
 evening, passed in exhorting and comforting my sister, 
 and then I took leave of her, with great distress to us 
 both. 
 
 8. Continued our journey to Plymouth Dock, where 
 we arrived at three o'clock ; my mind in the morning 
 was empty, for want of prayer, and so ill prepared to 
 exercise a complacent devotedness to God in all that he 
 is about to do with me. 
 
 9. Rose late, and unfit for lively worship of God, 
 in consequence of sitting up late last night. 
 
 10. Walked with Mr. H — into dock, and was 
 able to meditate with tolerable steadiness on Scripture, 
 yet with lamentable thoughts of vain conceit continually 
 
1804] JOURNAL. 157 
 
 offering themselves. After dinner read * Thoresby's 
 Journal,' and retiring, had a happy season of reading 
 and prayer. After tea walked with F — , and after 
 offering every argument to induce him to come to God, 
 took my leave of him. I learnt from — that my 
 attachment to her sister was not altogether unreturned, 
 and the discovery gave me both pleasure and pain, but 
 at night alone, I resigned myself entirely to the w^ill of 
 God. 
 
 11. Took my leave of this family, w^ho have truly 
 God with them in their house, and went to Exeter. My 
 thoughts were almost w^holly occupied with Lydia, 
 though not in a spirit of departure from God, for I con- 
 sidered myself as in his hands, and reposed w-ith confi- 
 dence and peace on his unerring wisdom. Found some 
 opportunities of speaking to — a young attorney, who 
 knew the necessity of a change, but could not begin. 
 While the coach stopped to change horses, we went into 
 a garden, and sat by some \vater on the grass slopes. I 
 read and explained the 23rd Psalm, to which he lis- 
 tened. One of the passengers was a Unitarian, and 
 with him in a long walk we had before the coach, I had 
 a conversation, till, having nothing to say in his defence, 
 he declined the subject. Alas ! it is the love of sin in 
 all carnal men that is at the bottom. Filled wdth awful 
 thoughts of God's power and sovereignty, and felt the 
 dreadful impiety of being dissatisfied w^ith his will. 
 
 London. 14. Called on Mr. G — , and wentaw^ay much 
 dispirited, chiefly about — ; for my ow^n concerns I could 
 repose on the infinite wisdom of God, who would make 
 my way clear. The same consideration settled my mind 
 also on — s account. Called on G — , and was thus 
 again reminded of one too deeply in my heart. I then 
 went to St. Paul's, to see Sir W. Jones's monument : 
 the sight of the interior of the dome filled my soul 
 with inexpressible ideas of the grandeur of God, and the 
 glory of heaven, much the same as I had at the sight of 
 a painted vaulted roof in the British Museum. I could 
 scarcely believe that I might be in the immediate enjoy- 
 
158 JOURNAL. [1804 
 
 merit of such glory in another hour. In the evening the 
 sound of sacred music, with the sight of a rural landscape, 
 imparted some indescribable emotions after the glory of 
 God, by diligence in his work. To preach the gospel 
 for the salvation of my poor fellow-creatures, that they 
 might obtain the salvation which is in Christ Jesus with 
 eternal gloiy, seemed a very sweet and precious employ- 
 ment. Lydia then again seemed a small hindrance. 
 
 15. Left London for Camibridge, with my mind 
 most of the way disturbed. I took no pains to say 
 anything for the good of the people, though I might 
 certainly have done it. 
 
 16. (Sunday.) Set out for Stapleford with great 
 desire, that not a moment might pass without having 
 my thoughts in actual exercise about something impro- 
 ving. Yet it was but a poor day, for want of read- 
 ing, prayer, and watchfulness. My mind was not dili- 
 gent, either on the road or at church. Preached on 
 John iii. 2. 
 
 Rode home, and having little time for prayer, went to 
 Trinity church with my desires indeed after God, and 
 deadness to the world, but unfixed, unsettled on divine 
 meditations. Preached on 2 Cor. v. 20, 21, with no 
 comfort, because I appeared to offer to God what cost 
 me nothing. May God apply the word, but not for my 
 sake; I must truly say I am an unprofitable servant ; but 
 through mercy God does not forsake me, but is quick- 
 ening me to greater devotedness and diligence. O may 
 his grace enable me to fight manfully, and to labour 
 while it is day, while I am in this world. My rest 
 remaineth for the next. 
 
 17. Another unprofitable day. My heart was lan- 
 guid in God's work, and wandering in pursuit of my 
 earthly idol. Yet by meditating on Ephes. ii. 16, my 
 soul was more disposed to cleave to God, as the chief 
 good. 
 
 I stayed so long over a difiicult Latin passage, that it 
 was too late to see any body more, so I went home and 
 prayed with some earnestness, that I might redeem the 
 
1804] JOURNAL. 159 
 
 time. I was particularly affected with this thought, 
 * Are there so many people, old and young, dying all 
 around me, and am I considering how I may enjoy 
 myself in life ' ? The rest of the evening read, and 
 looked out the parallel passages in the 3rd of Ephesians. 
 O may the sins and negligences of this day be forgiven, 
 and the next be passed with greater zeal, diligence, and 
 heavenly-mindedness. 
 
 18. My prayer of yesterday was heard, for this day 
 has been better spent. Rose before six, and prayed in 
 heaviness for God's assistance in preparing for public 
 ministrations. Learnt some Scripture by heart ; con- 
 sidered some passages for the evening. 
 
 After dinner I had tw^o hours in my room of prayer 
 and meditation on latter part of Ephes. iii. ; then went 
 to a society, where I found considerable ease on a diffi- 
 cult subject, and thus the Lord rewards the least dili- 
 gence : let it encourage me to greater exertions. Ex- 
 pounded to my bed-maker, at night, as usual, but all 
 the day I have had an inward conflict between God and 
 the world. My dear Lydia and my duty call me diffe- 
 rent ways, yet God hath not forsaken me, but strength- 
 ened me, though I determined to do his will, and if I 
 could not find joy in him, not to seek it in any thing 
 else. 
 
 19. Having no society to attend this day, I was not 
 so watchful over my heart ; such is my corruption ! 
 hypocrisy even in my spiritual desires ! Read Jon. 
 Edwards before breakfast, but lost a great deal of time, 
 then, and after breakfast, by thinking on L — G — . 
 These thoughts may be very pleasing for the time, but 
 they leave behind them tenfold pain. Attempted to 
 wTite on Isaiah Iv. 1 — 3, but with little progress, my 
 mind was so distracted. 
 
 After church called on — , who, after professing for 
 twenty- five years, had now in illness begun to fear, not 
 without reason, that she had never known the grace of 
 God in truth. After many vain, evil, distrustful 
 thoughts, my mind settled in prayer to God, and asked 
 
160 JOURNAL. [1804 
 
 freely for all ministerial gifts and graces, and begged of 
 him to fulfil all the good pleasure of his will respecting 
 me, not to allow me to follow the dictates of my heart, 
 for what I would not that do I. It is therefore no 
 more I that do it, but sin that dwelleth in me. 
 
 20. With my mind greatly dissatisfied, I prayed 
 over 1 John iv. and found my heart much relieved. In 
 my walk I indulged in the pleasing retrospection of the 
 mornings I had passed wdth Lydia, and at last ceased 
 from them without repining, as I saw sufficient in God's 
 wisdom and love, to impart perfect satisfaction w4th all 
 that he should order. I was for the rest of the time 
 generally in peace, sometimes rejoicing. Visited — , 
 the conversation very trifling, but I abstained from that 
 levity to, w^hich I was tending, because it would be 
 inconsistent with the solemnity of the subject this 
 evening. At church my soul was much affected with 
 the views of eternity. I preached on Rev. vii. 22, and 
 afterwards walked with — , whom I encouraged to con- 
 tinue in the grace of the gospel. Drew near to God 
 afterwards in prayer. 
 
 21. Rose and prayed under the overwhelming influ- 
 ence of corruption. I felt an obstinate dislike to all the 
 service of God, and an unhappy discontent at his righ- 
 teous will. Yet I determined to persevere in striving to 
 live independently of created comforts, small and great. 
 Was somewhat relieved after breakfast, and wrote 
 sermon with freedom. At the hour of walking out, 
 every thing tended to recal gloom, yet I summoned 
 up my spirits, and considered it as an exercise of faith. 
 I once was beginning to console myself, that I should 
 leave this dreary scene of college, which appears indeed 
 a wilderness, after the company of my dear friends in 
 Cornwall and Devonshire. But I checked the thought, 
 as being full of earthliness, discontent, and folly, for I 
 ought to be happy wherever God has placed me ; and I 
 am sure enough that the exchange I shall make of col- 
 lege, for a stormy ocean and burning plain, will not be 
 very pleasing to the flesh. Meditated during walk, on 
 
1804] JOURNAL. 161 
 
 a subject for the evening. After dinner walked a little 
 
 with inquiring about the voyage he had made 
 
 to China ; then called in Wall's Lane. In my rooms 
 continued three hours, reading for the class, learning 
 Scripture by heart, and praying. Afterw^ards read a 
 little of Pearson, French Translation of Soame Jenyns, 
 andThomas-a-Kempis. Some of Fortescue's poems set 
 me into a pensive meditation on the happy mornings I 
 had passed near Killa * * but afterwards it sub- 
 sided into a more profitable one on the vanity of the 
 world ; ** they marry and are given in marriage," and at 
 the end of a few years, what are they more than myself? 
 looking forward to the same dissolution, and expecting 
 their real happiness in another life. " The fashion of this 
 world passeth away," Amen. Let me do the will of 
 God while I am in it. 
 
 22. Wrote freely this morning, and in my walk out 
 was tolerably peaceful ; when my time is well employed, 
 the things of this world have less power to charm. At 
 chapel my soul ascended to God, and the sight of the 
 picture at the altar, of John the Baptist preaching in the 
 wilderness, animated me exceedingly to devotedness to 
 the life to a missionary ; passed most of the evening in 
 reading the account of the missionaries in India. 
 
 23. (Sunday.) This morning I had power to check 
 my thoughts from wandering over the earth, and looked 
 up to Christ for entire devotedness to him. Prayed for all 
 my dear brethren in the ministry, and particularly the per- 
 son who had warned me of my not preaching Christ. I 
 preached at Lolworth from 2 Cor. v. 20, 21,1 thought 
 with such clearness that all must have understood ; but 
 a woman with whom I have conversed more than once, 
 discovered by her conversation, that she knew no more 
 of Christ, than if she had never heard of him. ** Not 
 by power, nor by might, but by my Spirit," is often my 
 refuge. I see that I can only sound the horns round 
 the walls of Jericho ; but oh, does not perhaps God 
 withhold his Spirit from this benighted place, because I 
 do not plead for them in earnest, nor bear them upon 
 
 M 
 
162 JOURNAL. [1804 
 
 my heart often enough hefore Him ? I must live 
 much nearer to the Lord. I am satisfied with going on 
 without anxiety for nearness to God, whereas in the 
 midst of my troubles, I find not a moment's peace, save 
 in his presence. Oh, how does it show the corruption 
 of my heart, that severe afflictions are necessary to keep 
 me from ruin. Read David Brainerd to day, and yes- 
 terday, and find as usual, my spirit greatly benefitted 
 by it. I long to be like him ; let me forget the world, 
 and be swallowed up in a desire to glorify God. I am 
 now alone with God. Awful thought ! what is there in 
 the creature to be compared to thee ? Lord, remove 
 the veil from my heart, that I may not be so powerfully 
 driven away in contradiction to my reason. Let me 
 cheerfully repose in the wisdom of God, and think of 
 nothing now, but how I may walk agreeably to my 
 Father's wdll. But what conflicts has * * caused 
 in my mind. At night prayed earnestly for an increase 
 of grace for usefulness in the ministry, and felt a great 
 desire to deny myself, and to be diligent for the cause 
 of the gospel. 
 
 24. Rose with my mind heavenward, after some 
 thoughts of God in the night, but in prayer was short 
 
 and superficial. Read 's account, and wrote to 
 
 — , which took up all the morning ; afterw^ards burnt 
 the letter, as it contained unwarrantable charges, and 
 betrayed a passionate spirit. 
 
 Read and prayed with my bed-maker ; read a good 
 deal of Thomas-a-Kempis, and with the 19th Psalm 
 closed the reading of the day. But no good has been 
 done without. By reading a-Kempis, I am brought to 
 ask, what keeps me from such close communion with 
 God, but sin and sloth. Do I not know I might enjoy 
 the same deadness to the world, and spirituality of mind, 
 were I resolutely to pursue the path of watchfulness, 
 fasting, and prayer ? 
 
 25. Rose rather in darkness, but was enlivened by 
 prayer. Called on — , and exhorted her, now she was 
 raised to life again, to walk worthy of the gospel. As I 
 
1804] JOURNAL. 163 
 
 went along the street, my heart rose above earthly 
 things to God. Afterwards in my room was rather 
 peevish. At seven went to a class, and expounded 
 Luke ix. The rest of the evening chiefly taken up 
 
 with the account of which I finished. I feel the 
 
 utmost encouragement, and even desire to go and 
 preach to the Hindoos. My talents seem to me to be 
 peculiarly suited to them. Yet I have need to learn 
 much subjugation of spirit, to be willing to wait on 
 these poor people, and to abide the Lord's time for their 
 conversion. 
 
 26. Rose before six, and walked to Shelford, with 
 my mind in tolerable peace, committing Scripture to 
 memory ; I found it continually necessary to pray for the 
 good of men, and particularly the persons I am this day 
 to meet. As I arrived early, I employed myself immedi- 
 ately, that no time might be lost, for the redemption of 
 time is absolutely necessary to my tranquillity. I 
 walked home to Cambridge alone at night, with my 
 mind disposed to enjoy heavenly things, but for want 
 of exertion to fix it, the time was rather wasted. 
 
 27. Walked to Shelford ; somewhat ruffled at a 
 trifle, and my mind getting further and further from 
 God. But though my spirit at the time was so hateful, 
 I returned to him in defiance of my corruption, and 
 prayed for deliverance, which I received. At morning 
 
 prayer, Mr. E officiated, Mr. H opened the 
 
 conference, and Mr. M concluded it in a prayer. 
 
 I was enabled to be tolerably watchful, so as not to lose 
 sight of the eternal world. In the evening walked to 
 Cambridge with — . My conversation was very pro- 
 fitable to me. At Trinity church, preached on Phil. iv. 
 7. Afterwards, during the interval between supper and 
 bed-time, was looking over the Bengalee grammar. 
 
 28. Walked out just before dinner, with the melan- 
 choly retrospect of a morning all lost through wandering 
 thoughts. But I was taught by former experience, not 
 to depart from God, but to come nearer to him, which 
 he mercifully permitted me to do ; I calmly considered 
 
 M 2 
 
164 JOURNAL. [1804 
 
 how loudly and earnestly all things around me are call- 
 ing me to redeem the time. Almost despaired of ever 
 writing or speaking with that deep seriousness which 
 characterizes Mr. M. Yet by looking up to God, I 
 somewhat composed my mind into a solemn frame. At 
 prayer, after dinner, my soul was seriously affected, and 
 I went to my work of visiting Wall's Lane, with a heart 
 strengthened against my vanities ; returned and finished 
 the Bengalee grammar, which I had begun yesterday, 
 and construed a little. I am anxious to get Carey's 
 Bengalee New Testament. After tea, reading a version 
 of Psalm cxxxix. I felt the presence of God as very 
 near me, and addressed him with the deep impression 
 on my soul. Oh that I could live in such a frame ; let 
 me set the Lord always before me. What is religion 
 without the reality of divine communion, and how 
 shall I be easy on my death-bed without being more 
 clearly satisfied of my having partaken of it, than I am 
 at present ? God seems near to me, but speaks not, 
 but it is because I do not ask him to speak ; I content 
 myself with telling him my wants, but can bear to be 
 unanswered, and to be without the joy of the Holy 
 Ghost. Read some chapters in Numbers, and wrote 
 part of a sermon till late. 
 
 29. Watched over my thoughts more steadily this 
 day, and found the benefit, as I delighted more in God. 
 Many argued at — in favour of the lawfulness of amuse- 
 ments on the Lord's day, as it was not a day enjoined 
 in scripture, to be observed ; I could not prove decidedly 
 that they were unlawful, but my heart was grieved at the 
 open profaneness and vain reasonings, which will in- 
 crease into more ungodliness. In prayer afterwards, I 
 felt much affected at remembering them. 
 
 30. My mind this morning was in a frame of easily 
 ascending to God in peaceful solemnity ; but by the 
 merest carelessness and self-confidence, I let my thoughts 
 run upon the world, and the flesh, till my conscience 
 was wounded. In prayer I was serious and earnest. 
 I rode home from Lol worth, with my unbelieving sus- 
 
1804] JOURNAL. 165 
 
 picious heart uneasy about there being no appointment 
 for me to India, without which, as Mr. Simeon said, to 
 go, would be to run before the pillar and the cloud. I 
 felt a dislike to staying longer in Cambridge than till 
 the spring. At intervals I recovered, and reposed on 
 the wisdom of God, and sometimes through the even- 
 ing, I longed to be alone in my room, to have my heart 
 opened in prayer. 
 
 October 1 . The pride of my heart was made manifest 
 to me this morning in prayer, but it was a time of 
 spiritual strengthening to me. Read at the hospital, 
 and called on — , &c. My own heart was not the bet- 
 ter for these ministrations, but rather puffed up with 
 pride and arrogance. But in prayer I found myself 
 restored to a right frame. Read in the Christian Ob- 
 server. The account of a Brahmin preaching the gospel 
 delighted me most exceedingly. I could not help bless- 
 ing God for thus glorifying himself. 
 
 2. My mind was seriously turned towards God, 
 somewhat in a spirit of calm devotion, this morning. 
 Read Thomas a Kempis, and a few hymns, with some 
 sweetness of soul. Wrote sermon. Engaged all the 
 rest of the morning by Gilchrist's Hindoostanee dic- 
 tionary. Walked with A — , but from having no prayer, 
 nor reading, nor religious thought, I was very little dis- 
 posed for edifying conversation. The loss of time made 
 me also rather petulant. In my walk afterwards alone, 
 having no Bible, I endeavoured to repeat to myself the 
 Epistle to the Ephesians, which brought me nearer to 
 God, and kept me from darkness and peevishness. After 
 dinner, began Halhed's Bengalee grammar, for I found 
 that the other grammar I had been reading, was only 
 for the corrupted Hindoostanee. In prayer, I found my 
 soul composed to a blessed and serious view of eternity. 
 Visited the hospital, &c. Read some missionary ac- 
 counts, and felt my heart expanded with love, and gra- 
 titude, and praise, for what God is doing. Oh that it 
 may please my God in his mercy, to send me forth into 
 this vineyard. I could almost say it is my supreme and 
 
166 JOURNAL. [1804 
 
 fervent desire, that God may be glorified, were it not that 
 my slowness to labour in my present post seems to offer 
 a plain contradiction to this. Oh that the Spirit would 
 kindle a holy zeal within me, and give me victory over 
 the world and the flesh, for it is to spare this that the 
 devil tempts me to neglect the work of God. Oh that 
 my eyes were opened, that I might see the heavens, and 
 Jesus standing at the right hand of God ! 
 
 3. Reading Missionary accounts, Bengalee grammar, 
 and at church. Went out, designing to call at all the 
 houses, about having the children catechized ; after- 
 wards, when I ought to have read the scriptures and 
 prayed, I took up the Missionary accounts, and so the 
 opportunity was lost. I went out, groaning heavily at 
 my careless walk with God. I pray that he take not his 
 Holy Spirit from me. Staid at the hospital in the 
 afternoon, endeavouring to lead the different patients to 
 the knowledge of the way of salvation ; afterwards 
 called upon — , and used every possible illustration and 
 argument, to convince them of sin, and lead them to 
 Christ, but all in vain ; I then prayed with them ; in 
 the evening wrote part of my sermon ; I was much 
 pained and humbled at reflecting, that it has never yet 
 to my knowledge pleased God to a\vaken one soul by 
 my means, either in public or private, — shame be to 
 myself. Now, w^hat is there wrong in my spirit ? When 
 I ask the question, my conscience may immediately 
 reply. What is there which is not wretchedly proud and 
 lukewarm ; but I desire nothing pleasing or honourable 
 to myself. God forbid ! but oh let me be found doing 
 my duty ! 
 
 4. My mind rather unfitted for the worship of God 
 this morning by w^andering thoughts ; yet, by prayer, 
 God in mercy *' restored my soul, and led me in the paths 
 of righteousness for his name's sake." B break- 
 fasted with me, and staid late ; finished a letter, and 
 then the morning was gone ; walked out, and instead 
 of grieving at my miserable unprofitableness, began to 
 think of Lydia, but almost vvithout a wish to live at 
 
1804] JOURNAL. 167 
 
 home for her. With all my worthlessncss, and deadness, 
 and stupidity, I would not wish to exist unless I hoped 
 to live entirely for God. Dined at — , and in the after- 
 noon walked about, with my mind harassed and hurt 
 by many vanities. Alas, I do not live like a follower 
 of the Lord Jesus Christ, bidding farewell to this world ; 
 yet God helping me, I will be a holy man. Read the ser- 
 vice with some humiliation, and desire to be alone to 
 pour out my soul to God. Mr. Simeon preached on 
 " Christ is all and in all ; " it was very serious and con- 
 soling to me. If it be a true mark to desire to be de- 
 livered from an evil nature, and to put on the new man, 
 then I trust that I possess that. Was much struck 
 with Mr. Ward's letter to a minister ; I scarcely know 
 what time to devote to sermon-writing. I do waste 
 a prodigious part of it in this way. I cannot but 
 think that if I read more of scripture, and prayed 
 more, and was more engaged in active exertion for my 
 parishes, I should have more spirituality and freedom 
 in composition. 
 
 5. My mind still galled at the sense of my unpro- 
 fitableness. N. and B. breakfasted with me ; notwith- 
 standing my precaution I had not sufficient recollection 
 to be profitable to them. This was a day I had intended 
 for fasting and prayer, of which my soul greatly stands 
 in need, but unforeseen engagements prevented it. All 
 that I see, and read, and think of, in the creature, 
 though it be of a religious nature, is utterly unsatisfying. 
 Then why do I not keep nearer to God ? how is it that 
 every thing can engage me more easily than he ? 
 
 6. Morning passed away in reading Missionary jour- 
 nals, and attempting sermon ; in the afternoon, was em- 
 ployed in officiating at the hospital, calling on W. and 
 M. W'ith the former I was often brought to recollect 
 I was conversing with a dying man, and that the most 
 serious and affecting solemnity became me. Finished the 
 Missionary accounts, and glad I am, for they have taken 
 up my time so much this week, they have drawn me 
 away from study, reading, and prayer. I desire thank- 
 
168 JOURNAL. [1804 
 
 fully to acknowledge that it is the Lord's mercy, and I 
 trust through the intercession of Christ, that I am not 
 cut down as a cumberer of the ground. 
 
 7. (Sunday.) On my road home from Stapleford, 
 it was the querulous inquiry of my heart, ** Who will 
 shew me any good ? " I could not but perceive the 
 necessity of entirely disregarding all created delights, 
 and amongst them, the communion of saints, so far as 
 to be able to live happily in the enjoyment of God. But 
 without tasting this enjoyment at the instant, it is very 
 trying to faith, to resign all things else. But as a 
 missionary, how strongly am I called upon to do this. 
 God is indeed, I know and feel, an all-sufficient portion, 
 but unless he is near, how melancholy is my life likely 
 to be, for how slow is my heart to seek him, how soon 
 tired with spiritual meditation. Found some sweetness 
 at church, but mixed and spoiled at last, by a great 
 deal of vanity. Read some of Thomas a Kempis, and 
 the Olney Hymns. 
 
 8. Morning was taken up by sermon, on which I 
 was obliged continually to fix my steady attention, and 
 though I got on very little, yet I* was not dissatisfied, 
 as it was not through idleness. S — gave me a letter 
 from Mr. Brown of Calcutta, which gave me great 
 delight on many accounts. Speaking of me, he says, 
 * Let him marry, and come out at once.' I thought of 
 Lydia with great tenderness ; but without pain at my 
 determination to go out single. Found great affec- 
 tion in prayer for my dear brethren at Calcutta, for the 
 establishing of Christ's kingdom among the poor Gen- 
 tiles, and for my being sent among them, if it were his 
 will. But O that I had zeal to labour more for the 
 benighted people among w^hom I minister. Well, I 
 trust God will hold up my hands, and help me to be 
 that active holy minister of God, from being which I am 
 yet so far distant. Read some of the Bengalee Gram- 
 mar at night, and learnt some of the beginning of 
 2 Corinthians. 
 
 9. Greatly distracted in prayer this morning. I 
 
1804] JOURNAL. 169 
 
 manifestly wanted to be about something else, and 
 to have done after having satisfied my conscience. 
 But it pleased God to convince me of my wicked- 
 ness, and to teach me to call upon him faithfully. 
 Read to my bed-maker the 1 1 th of Luke ; found my 
 mind solemnized, but what little reason have I ever to 
 be satisfied either with the matter or manner of what I 
 say to her, or to any, on the subject of their souls. 
 Setting to my work of writing a sermon to-night with 
 some zeal, my heart was exceedingly enlivened at 
 looking through time into eternity, and seeing nothing 
 but works of love to be done. *' Sweet is the work ! 
 my God, my King ! " 
 
 1 1 . Received a letter this morning from K — , which 
 melted me into tears of penitence ; I know^ not what 
 spirit I was of when I wrote, and now that he has 
 answered so mildly and patiently, I am struck with his 
 vast superiority in Christian attainments. My selfish- 
 ness and uncharitableness made me appear quite loath- 
 some to myself, and I wrote in a spirit of- great self- 
 abhorrence. Thinking of his letter and answering it, 
 took up the whole evening. In a short walk met with 
 — who is still gravely trifling along the path of life. I 
 strove to retain that penitential spirit which I was con- 
 scious became me, and which was exceeding conducive 
 to spirituality. 
 
 Thinking my mind was in need of recreation, I took 
 up Lord Teignmouth's Life of Sir William Jones, and 
 read till tea. At church my heart was softened by the 
 precious hand of mercy. 
 
 How soon a season of humiliation is at an end, 
 though the occasion remains. I am soon returned to 
 self-complacency. In my walk out, did not use any 
 restraint in my thoughts, as my mind and body were 
 greatly fatigued with sitting vip so late ; though happily 
 they did not go far from God. 
 
 14. (Sunday.) The morning, dark and lowering, 
 rather depressed my spirits ; so easily does any outward 
 circumstance affect me, but by faith and prayer I soon 
 
170 JOURNAL. [1804 
 
 got beyond present things. Many times to-day, as on 
 other days, I have had great difficulty in endeavouring 
 to maintain, or pray for, the two graces of fervour and 
 humility at the same time. I cannot be happy a 
 moment, without some conviction of my own worth- 
 lessness, and it is for the honour of God that I should 
 be fervent in spirit. Received a letter from — , which 
 filled me with grief and disappointment ; not one word 
 of any kind on the subject of religion. At Lolworth 
 preached on Isaiah Ixiii. 1 . In prayer before and after the 
 sermon, I enjoyed the happy presence of God, in whom 
 I found I could be glad, though Israel was not gathered ; 
 and though the^people, as appeared by the smallness of the 
 congregation, did not appear to like my preaching quite 
 as much as I thought they ought. Calhng on several 
 after church, I found whole famihes had absented them- 
 selves on frivolous excuses ; to one man and his wife I 
 gave a very awful warning, and felt as if I spoke from 
 
 God ; promised S to come on Wednesday, to read 
 
 and pray with some people at his house. Now God 
 grant that this may be the means of stirring up some 
 attention to religion among them ! On my ride home I 
 was beginning to be very much dejected about passing my 
 life in such solitary scenes, and having to do with obsti- 
 nate, ignorant people. But oh, I thought, Christ is very 
 patient in teaching me. My peace returned by this 
 consideration ; I had nothing to do with events ; it was 
 my simple business to do his will ; it is in his power to 
 convert men, and if he does not by my ministry, I may 
 still rejoice in him. My happiness and business is pri- 
 vate communion with God ; there diligence will never be 
 disappointed. All the rest of the evening my soul 
 enjoyed much love and joy. Had I been more free 
 from the world, and vanity, and self, it would have 
 been more pure and lasting. The circumstances of 
 public worship, sight of so many pious souls, singing 
 with them, &c., animate the religious affections in a 
 manner ; yet I seldom find them genuine ; I am more 
 frequently persuading myself I am enjoying spiritual 
 
1804] JOURNAL. 171 
 
 things, than really enjoying them. If at any time, as to- 
 night at church, I can think of God, as one alone with 
 me, I find divine pleasure to be something very diffe- 
 rent ; that debases self, holds up wise, clear, powerful 
 views of things, and produces serious conduct. Mr. 
 Simeon, in his excellent sermon to-night, observed, that 
 it was more easy for a minister to preach and study five 
 hours, than to pray for his people one half hour ; this I 
 beheve, and that it arises from unbelief. So much 
 time passed in prayer, seems thrown away, when we 
 might have bestowed it in reading or visiting. When I 
 pray for my people, it is more because 1 ought to do it, 
 than wish for it. Perhaps it is to stir up my soul to 
 the habit and spirit of prayer and supplication, that God 
 gives me not to see the least fruit, but things rather 
 getting worse. But I have really need first to pray for 
 a heart to pray for them. 
 
 15. In writing to this morning, my heart 
 
 was filled with abhorrence of that Evil Spirit who is 
 endeavouring to deceive her as he does the nations, 
 and I longed to spend and be spent, if I might be the 
 means of demolishing his strong holds. O, when shall 
 the kingdoms of this world become the kingdoms of 
 God and of his Christ. O that I might be a fellow- 
 worker wdth Christ. I perceive in some degree, when 
 darkness is a little removed from my own eyes, that the 
 prince of the power of the air now ruleth, but Christ 
 came to destroy him, and restore us to God and happi- 
 ness ; and, my soul ! what hast thou to do with ease, 
 when Christ who came from heaven in such love, is 
 waiting for ministers like-minded ? What hast thou to 
 do with the body, with the things of time and sense ? 
 They are not thy business ; they would be in a measure, 
 wert thou not a minister, but now thou hast nothing to 
 do, but to stand between the dead and the living. In my 
 walk out, I could speak only in praise ; the 145th 
 Psalm was very suitable to my feelings. From dinner 
 till supper I was employed in visiting and catechizing 
 the children. After supper read the Bengalee letters, 
 
172 JOURNAL. [1804 
 
 and before, Sir W. Jones's Life. Lost in the course of 
 this time almost all those views of things I had in the 
 morning, and found myself just in my usual frame ; 
 averse to the duties of the ministry ; but God in his 
 mercy restored them in answer to ejaculatory prayer. 
 Now I approve the things that are excellent, but my 
 faith is weak. I tremble, lest the body should tempt 
 me as it always does, to consult its ease. But, Lord, 
 help my unbelief; help me to launch boldly forth at thy 
 command, into a life of unremitted diligence and zeal, 
 and to believe that as my day is, so shall my strength 
 be. 
 
 16. In the course of the morning was plagued with 
 my old temper, at the thought of the evening class- 
 meeting; but by prayer two or three times, I was 
 restored to a right sense of things. 
 
 Endeavoured to consider Isaiah xlix, and read the 
 other chapters following, with great delight ; my heart 
 was rather drawn out for the prosperity of Zion, but I 
 wanted a poor and contrite spirit. Went to the society 
 and found Mr. Simeon ; during the hymn, and reading 
 of Psalm xxii., in which he pointed out the necessity of 
 praise, I was in a frame of great joy, and in prayer I 
 scarcely ever had my heart m.ore full of praise ; I could 
 only speak in the language of praise ; yet did my wicked 
 heart pride itself on being in this state. Read Sir W. 
 Jones's Life in the evening; O, the misery, vanity, and 
 folly of the best of a worldly man's life ; in all his plans 
 of study, which should embrace every subject of human 
 attention, religion bears no place ; they seem to fancy 
 religion and virtue to be the same thing ; they abstain 
 from a few vices, and say a few prayers, in the same 
 spirit that a child repeats its lesson to a schoolmaster, 
 fearing his punishment or expecting his reward. Oh, 
 ye philosophers, poets and scholars, w^hither are ye 
 gone. What avails it that you lived on that human 
 praise you so greatly desired ? Let me w^ith wonder 
 adore the mercy of God in giving me to see the folly 
 and misery of a life devoted to the most diligent studies. 
 
1804] - JOURNAL. 173 
 
 May I never again be taken in the snare. How mean 
 does appear in my view, compared with Brainerd. 
 
 17. After dinner walked to Lolworth, thinking on 
 the subject I was to speak on ; went to Smith's house, 
 where there were about ten people, and as many chil- 
 dren assembled. We sung a hymn, and I then ex- 
 plained the parable of the barren fig-tree. In the midst 
 of the prayer, a man fell down and was carried out, and 
 our meeting ended ; the man was young and of a dull 
 disposition, and had never a fit of any kind before, and 
 the room was bv no means warm ; I did not much like 
 the event, instantly recollecting the Methodist accounts. 
 As the people stood round him, for he sat in a chair in 
 the open air, I took care to say nothing to him about 
 religion, lest I should give countenance to what I fore- 
 see will be said of this. I think I shall apply to my 
 Rector for an evening lecture on Wednesdays. Mr. 
 C — gave me very pertinent advice ; he told me that my 
 preaching would not do at all for this place, and what 
 was more, the language was seldom such as the people 
 could understand. This much dejected me all the rest 
 of the evening, because I was told of my faults, and did 
 not like to find I was so little esteemed by my hearers ; 
 yet I am bound to bless the Lord for every additional 
 ray of truth that he sends me. Read Sir W. Jones's 
 Life at night, and was better pleased w^ith his character. 
 
 18. O the vanity and unprofitableness of the day 
 in which there is no exercise of heavenly-mindedness ! 
 What signifies every thing that happens outwardly, if I 
 am not familiar with the things which lie between God 
 and my own soul ? At church had a longing desire for 
 the coming of Christ's kingdom, and asked myself how 
 is it possible I have not striven in prayer for the mani- 
 festation of his glory among all men ? Yet in my room 
 afterwards these desires had subsided, though in reading 
 Scripture my heart was engaged, and I resolved, if 
 nothing prevents, to appropriate some hours to-morrow 
 to special prayer and meditation. 
 
 19. Read some of the lives of Anselm, Bernard, &c. 
 
174 JOURNAL. [1804 
 
 this morning, at intervals of leisure. I cannot help ad- 
 miring those holy men who retired to a convent, and 
 lived in the exercise of such elevated devotion ; and the 
 consideration of it tends to quicken me to spirituality 
 and love of God. From one to five, I was engaged, 
 according to my intention, in prayer and reading, for 
 the first hour I was tolerably fixed in prayer, chiefly in 
 humihation and intercession. For my dear sister, I 
 wrestled with more earnestness than I have yet done for 
 any one, but yet I have reason to be astonished and 
 grieved at the insensibihty of my heart. The rest of 
 the time passed in learning the Epistle to the Hebrews, 
 and praying for the church. My soul enjoyed much 
 seriousness at times, but there was much wandering and 
 coldness upon me. Went to a class, where, in reading 
 the last chapter of Revelations, and in prayer, I was 
 filled with love and joy, so much that I was very un- 
 willing to leave off. 
 
 20. The carnal spirit, this morning, was subdued 
 by prayer. In the afternoon, finished Sir W. Jones's 
 life. My mind was much impressed by some things in 
 it of the grandeur of God, so that when I kneeled in 
 prayer, my soul was filled with veneration. At night, 
 in bed, was greatly disordered, my head was as restless 
 on the pillow as after long and intense study. I thought 
 upon death as perhaps near, without alarm, though with- 
 out pleasure ; with a sort of melancholy. 
 
 21. (Sunday.) Rose late, and stupid through lying 
 too long in bed ; I could not but abhor myself for the 
 loss of such precious time, when I might have been 
 early interceding for souls, and preparing my own spirit 
 for the service of the day ; the bitter reflection on my 
 unprofitableness much dejected me. Low spirits at 
 church, through being about to preach old sermons, 
 which I feel so ashamed of offering to God, that I be- 
 lieve I shall rather leave every thing undone, than not 
 write one new one at least every week. Had an hour 
 to myself before evening church, in which my soul got 
 comfort from prayer and reading hymns. I looked up 
 
1804] JOURNAL. 175 
 
 to Christ for grace to enable me to live independent of 
 those delightful ordinances, I was about to partake of, 
 and to be ready at his command to be sent out to some 
 dark place to teach one poor creature, and to wander in 
 a dreary desert. In endeavouring to feel how good it 
 was to be thus the servant of my Lord, I fo\md fellow- 
 ship with him ; there was not much joy, but 1 was fully 
 assured of the reality of the communion. I felt the 
 utmost dread and abhorrence of any sin, while he, my 
 friend and my master, was thus looking upon me. At 
 
 church, I enjoyed the presence of Christ. * * 
 
 # * * * 
 
 22. Prayed this morning, that I might delight in the 
 prospect of the social worship I was this day to engage 
 in, and of every spiritual duty ; in which I was answered, 
 I think. At four, I catechized the children, and from 
 thence went home and prayed. Loitered and wasted my 
 time after supper. Yet my soul is, I hope, gaining 
 ground in the path of duty. 
 
 23. Having no particular ministration, I expected 
 much reading and profit. But very soon my perverse will 
 was contradicted by conscience. I wanted to be at one 
 study, when duty called me to another. Very unwil- 
 lingly left the Bengalee, and Milner's Church History, for 
 writing sermon. — called, and vexed me very much, by 
 what I thought at the time, great folly ; presently after- 
 wards, my pride and vanity were wounded by little circum- 
 stances, quite harmless in themselves. Walked out, 
 fretting with what I called the great folly of mankind. 
 In the midst of my misery, I tried to think of Jesus, 
 how he might have scorned the ignorance of men, how 
 his patience might have been wearied out with me. But 
 it was not till I learnt some of Psalm cxix. that I could 
 return to a proper spirit. I then went and assisted F. 
 in Newton. On my return home, being utterly averse 
 to any exertion of mind, which seemed jaded, I fell upon 
 my knees before God, and found my spirit revive a 
 little. Yet I found it necessary to read Bengalee, as 
 requiring less thought. Afterw^ards, I was about to 
 
176 JOURNAL. [1804 
 
 begin the Lord's work gladly, when a most disagreeable 
 man came and staid an hour and a half. I was ex- 
 ceedingly galled, but spoke seriously of religion to him. 
 I continued afterwards, to a very late hour, thinking 
 and writing on a subject. Thomas a Kempis says, 
 * We ought to praise God, for seasons of darkness,' but 
 so clearly has my own wicked heart been the cause of 
 this day's unhappiness, that I have nothing to do, but 
 humble myself. 
 
 24. Calls of different men prevented me from doing 
 any thing, but read Thomas a Kempis and Flores Ber- 
 nardi a little, till two o'clock. 
 
 25. Rose early, and passed the time till my pupils 
 came, in writing to my sister. With them I was rather 
 more serious, but my conversation w^as by no means 
 ** in meekness of wisdom." Walked out, and tasted at 
 times great joy and peace, in the presence of God; but 
 at last found that humiliation was more suitable to my 
 state, and in this temper I enjoyed much true happiness. 
 Some friends with me in the afternoon, but I was care- 
 less, and so the time passed unprofitably. My spirit 
 groaned in prayer afterwards, at my constant unpro- 
 fitableness, and I went to church reflecting on my worth- 
 lessness and corruption. How unworthy am I to be 
 found among God's people. 
 
 26. It is a trouble with me, every hour of every day, 
 to get my thoughts to God. Scarcely ever is my mind 
 at rising, meekly devout. Commenced my work of 
 writing, in the fear of God, and the humbling sense of 
 my own utter unfruitfulness, but advanced very little. 
 After dinner, I called on two sick persons, with one of 
 whom I prayed. At my return to my rooms, took up 
 Bengalee. Having occasion to consult Jon. Edwards 
 on Redemption, I was much arrested by the conclusion 
 of it, — O eternity ! how real. My soul trembled lest 
 amid the glory of the last day, I should be found un- 
 worthy of partaking in it, and but for Christ w^hat should 
 I do? 
 
 27. Rose early, learnt some scripture, and walked. 
 
1804] JOURNAL. 177 
 
 Wrote a little of sermon before pupils came, with fre- 
 quent interruptions. C. sat with me an hour before 
 dinner, and gave me much encouragement. In my walk 
 met T — , with whom I thought it right not to be press- 
 ing on the subject of religion. After dinner, some 
 friends sat with me till near eight. My heart was occa- 
 sionally full of joy. At night, in prayer, Satan sent one 
 of his fiery darts into my thoughts, by means of the 
 imagination which almost drank up my spirit ; but I 
 cried fervently for deliverance, casting the sin upon the 
 Devil, and my self upon the Lord, and found him come 
 to my peace and composure. 
 
 28. Vide Memoir. 
 
 29. Rose early, lost time in reading Watts, from 
 whom I seldom get a new thought. Abridged some 
 parts of Edwards on Sin. The rest of the morning was 
 taken up by pupils and Major S — . An hour and a half 
 I passed with two sick people, one of whom, a dying man, 
 was awakened to a sense of sin, and the other, a daughter 
 of the Lord Almighty. With the former I was enabled 
 to pray more fervently than the latter. In the midst 
 of confusion, of calls of friends and worldly business, I 
 was beginning to feel some reluctance to visit them ; but 
 very soon my soul found it good to go, as the messen- 
 ger of peace, and minister to the departing spirit. In 
 my walk had more joy than peace, too little humility 
 and too great elation of spirits, chiefly because I was to 
 dine at — 's, with my dear Christian friends. But in- 
 deed it was a most unprofitable meeting for us ; I went 
 away for an hour to catechise the children, but staid 
 two hours afterwards, in order to be with Major S. 
 I blame my dear brethren, but much more myself, 
 for not introducing spiritual things, their minds seemed 
 engaged very much in this business, but mine was 
 free and joyful, and I ought therefore to have been 
 forward in such conversation. I tremble for this place, 
 lest the candlestick should be removed. Oh that the 
 spirit of prayer and intercession may be poured out 
 upon me, that all my own lukewarmness, and the sor- 
 
 N 
 
178 JOURNAL. [1804 
 
 rows of Zion, may be removed by a prayer-hearing 
 God. 
 
 30. Another day has passed, and I am nearer eter- 
 nity. Oh that I could dwell in eternity, amidst the dis- 
 tracting avocations of time. There seems a certain 
 strangeness in my mind to it, as if I had thought but 
 little of another world this day. Employed till pupils 
 came, in thinking of sermon and Bengalee grammar ; 
 consented to take another pupil. Walked out rather 
 confused, but was soon able to think of sermon, with 
 my mind breathing freely the air of religion ; being 
 enabled to see that the work of the ministry and pre- 
 paring for another world, were my whole business. 
 Dined at — 's with Major S — , my own spirit was 
 light, and the conversation in general unprofitable. In 
 my rooms afterwards, much in prayer, and had free 
 meditation on sermon. Read a little of Bengalee, and 
 at night some choruses of Sophocles, and Lucretius, in 
 order to examine a pupil. It is astonishing what a 
 snare such reading is to me ; but I returned to the Bible, 
 not unfitted for enjoying it, as was once the case. In 
 reading to — , felt condemned by the words, that " men 
 should pray always, and not faint." Christ prepared 
 himself for the ministry, by long, and constant, and 
 fervent prayers. So should I lose less time in endea- 
 vouring to write, if my mind were more spiritualized by 
 prayer. 
 
 31. My mind was spiritual this morning, and my 
 heart towards God. I was scarcely alone till the time 
 of taking a walk. At church I was guilty of great 
 irreverence, from having been in light conversation just 
 before, and felt the guilt of it in prayer afterwards, at 
 which time my mind was solemnized. After dinner, 
 and a short prayer, I went forth with satisfaction and 
 pleasure, to the work of visiting the sick. I called on 
 and prayed with two, and sat awhile with B. In my 
 rooms afterwards, I found my mind spiritually alive to 
 God, though amid much struggling of sinful temper, of 
 which hateful sin may the Lord make me ashamed. I 
 
1804] JOURNAL. 179 
 
 have more occasion to strive against it in secret, than 
 before men. It is seldom I can enjoy a meek spirit. 
 
 November 1. My heart towards God at rising, and 
 in a short walk had a watchful sense of divine presence 
 after prayer. With pupils, not at all guarded enough 
 yet. On account of the ill behaviour of — , my heart 
 was filled with impatience. I walked out in this tem- 
 per, and though besides this I was assaulted with evil 
 thoughts, yet in all my misery and sin, I simply cast 
 myself into the fountain of Christ's blood, and found 
 peace. To bring my mind to sobriety and deadness to 
 the world, I repeated Isaiah liii. with much effect. At 
 church at night my soul was touched with devotion. 
 How precious was the presence of God, after so much 
 intercourse with his creatures ! Mr. S. told me, that if 
 I were on the Bengal establishment, m.y salary would be 
 £1200 a year. I told Farish that I remembered his 
 words, that I should be in danger of worldly-minded^ 
 ness. At present I feel no desire after the riches of the 
 world. 
 
 2. Laboured in prayer this morning for a right 
 spirit of seriousness without pride, and was enabled to 
 sit down to my work with a watchful sense of God's 
 presence. With my pupils rather better, but by no 
 means sufficiently self-governing. In my walk out I 
 was thinking of Lydia, and the possibility of my having 
 a competency ; but I felt scarcely the least wish for a 
 settlement of this world, and I found that I could decide 
 between marriage and celibacy with simple reference to 
 God's glory, and my general usefulness. In the after- 
 noon enjoyed solemn thoughts in prayer, and visited 
 several people, and among them one poor penitent soul, 
 with whom I had prayed the day before yesterday. The 
 desires she expressed amidst her tears were, that God 
 would change her heart, and forgive her, and take her 
 to his mercy. If it was his will she wished to leave this 
 world. But what if she should live ? — I asked her. She 
 said she could not say she should never sin, as she was 
 constantly liable ; but rather than turn to her former 
 
 N 2 
 
180 JOURNAL. [1804 
 
 ways she would be cut in pieces. I was much affected 
 with pity, and preached the gospel of grace with much 
 delight to her. In my rooms, read for the evening 
 class, and prayed with my heart full of awful thoughts. 
 At the class, read Luke xvi. and prayed with some so- 
 lemnity. Read Bengalee after supper. 
 
 3. After the usual business of the evening, I walked 
 in the fellows' garden, thinking on sermon, with great 
 fervor of spirit, though with much pride and want of 
 love. After dinner, I prayed earnestly, and continued 
 writing sermon till late at night, in general enjoying 
 God's presence, and looking up to him, to correct my 
 spirit, that I might be meek and tender, and might write 
 with seriousness, not to please men but God. It was 
 a very long study, but a pleasant one : I left off satisfied 
 and peaceful, at thinking that the happiness of life con- 
 sisted in communion with God, of which none could 
 deprive me ; and happy also and peaceful, at the prospect 
 of death, not far off. I sometimes tremble at not having 
 suffered more for Christ ; but I trust I am ready to un- 
 dergo it all. 
 
 4. Endeavoured to recall my mind from its usual, 
 wanderings, by looking to God, to prepare me for 
 morning prayer, in which I found myself solemnly im- 
 pressed ; but during a short walk, pride gathered a cloud 
 over my peace, but it was somewhat brought down 
 again. The time till church was nearly all taken up in 
 finishing my sermon. During the morning service my 
 heart was much affected, and I felt rather abstracted 
 from the world, and happy in the prospect of greater 
 abstraction. Mr. Thomason preached on Heb. xii. to 
 my edification. Rode to Lolworth with Mr. C. and 
 preached there, on Acts xvi. 29 — 31. but the people 
 were inattentive. I was in consequence much dejected on 
 my road home, and afterwards ; but by simply looking 
 up, as a sinner to God, I found an awful seriousness 
 about souls ; and at church, in the evening, in preaching 
 the same sermon, I found by the attention of the people, 
 that the fervor of my spirit yesterday, had been conveyed 
 
1804] JOURNAL. • 181 
 
 into the sermon. I came to my rooms, not as usual, 
 flurried, but rejoicing to be alone, and to hold commu- 
 nion with God. Truly God is good to me ! 
 
 5. A day in which I have suffered much painful 
 temptation, and have lost much precious time. My 
 heart was puffed up by thinking of my sermon yesterday, 
 and I found the utmost difficulty to get it out of my 
 mind. Read and finished the Bengalee grammar to-day. 
 I was very unwilling to take up the Bible to learn my 
 portion of scripture while engaged in the grammar, but 
 after some hesitation, conscience did so far prevail. 
 But I had not time to gain true views of things, by prayer 
 before — came, and praised my sermon in most extrava- 
 gant terms. I was tried by the most contemptible vanity, 
 yet felt myself a miserable creature ; a thousand times 
 rather would 1 have had all my most disgraceful sins 
 published to my shame. Yet after prayer, in which I 
 could appeal to God, that I had not sought my own 
 glory in writing or preaching it, I walked out in peace. 
 The passage, *' and they shall look upon him, whom 
 they have pierced," &c. was very useful to bring me to a 
 right spirit. In the afternoon, catechised about fifty 
 children, and called on a woman in Wall's Lane. Went 
 to my rooms, expecting to do much in the many pre- 
 cious hours that lay before me. I was fervent in spirit 
 at first, but all the evening and night passed in reading 
 a little of Hopkins, and writing for the Christian Ob- 
 server. At tea time, I was taking up some book pleas- 
 ing and amusing, but conscience reminded me, of giving 
 every moment which I did not need for recreation, to 
 the word of God. Thus I found it very refreshing and 
 pleasant. Oh blessed word of God ! my delight would 
 be in the law of the Lord, if I meditated in it day and 
 night. 
 
 6. My heart was cold and unhappy this morning ; 
 but by long and diligent prayer, I obtained some sense 
 of God's presence. Wrote a little of sermon ; but for 
 three hours got on so little, that I was exceedingly de- 
 jected at my unprofitableness : but found some relief in 
 
182 JOURNAL. [1804 
 
 prayer. The thought of this evening's ministrations 
 rather oppressed me. Went to the class in which 
 
 Mr. S. officiated throughout. 's insanity affected 
 
 me very awfully to-day. God grant that my pride be 
 not levelled with the beasts, in the same manner ! My 
 heart has been generally overwhelmed to-day, but Jesus 
 is very precious to me, who *' came into the world to 
 save sinners, of whom I am chief. '^ 
 
 7. This morning, read one thing and then another, 
 eager to get some increase of knowledge : but at last 
 fixed on the Hebrew Bible, and read a little of the 
 beginning of Isaiah, and in the meantime was rather, 
 watchful over my spirit. At church, my mind in the; 
 midst of prayer, was seized with repeated approaches to 
 levity. Oh what a mercy that I was not struck dead ! 
 ^ * '^ * With my pupil, I was calm, 
 
 patient throughout, looking to Christ as my example. 
 In my walk, the character of Christ on earth took up all 
 my thoughts, and I felt the power of his example. My 
 mind was serious and sorrowful, and I hoped I should 
 hereafter walk as he walked. During the afternoon, 
 though tempted to vanity and levity, I was helped 
 still to set the Lord before me, and found it of rich 
 and unspeakable advantage to me in my intercourse 
 with others. I recollected that I had said some- 
 thing sarcastic at table, tending to wound the mind of 
 one, and was grieved at considering how unlike it was to 
 him. Drank tea with Mr. and Mrs. B. and v/hen I was 
 verging to an irreligious frame of mind and mode of 
 conversation, the Spirit again brought Christ to my 
 remembrance, and made me earnestly desirous to be 
 like him, in all holy, humble, spiritual, edifying conver- 
 sation. All the rest of the evening I was employed, if 
 it might be called employment, in thinking of the subject, 
 *' Ye are built upon the foundation of the apostles and 
 prophets," &c. with such dulness that I was quite de- 
 jected. Indeed I am a poor ignorant wretch, and what 
 to do I hardly know. My constant uselessness in God's 
 creation, and perfect unprofitableness, overwhelm my 
 
1804] JOURNAL. 183 
 
 soul. And God's forbearance and Christ's tender love, 
 are very, very precious to me. How happy shall I be, 
 in the eternal world, when self, and all its pride, and sin, 
 and wretchedness shall be forgotten, and God alone 
 have all praise ! Amen, so be it. 
 
 8. In morning prayer, felt a most ardent desire, the 
 same as last night, to be out of doors among the sick. 
 So after writing a letter, I went out and continued till 
 eleven. One man and his wife, I was almost willing to 
 believe, had become true converts. At one house I met 
 with a poor sinful woman with whom I mildly reasoned, 
 as thinking she had been roughly addressed in general, 
 but I could get no answer, for she was ashamed to hold 
 up her head. With my pupils, endeavoured to set the 
 Lord before me, not with so much effect as yesterday. 
 Till church, went about with Professor Farish, who was 
 canvassing for the Jacksonian professorship. * * 
 
 tP t? "^ tt vP ^ 
 
 * * Had some happy meditations in the 
 
 evening at my room, on the favour of God to my soul, 
 and the approach of death, and eternity, and was earnest 
 in prayer ; and was still chiefly engaged in desiring to 
 set the Lord always before me, that I might be zealous 
 for souls as he was. 
 
 9. Wrote letters, which employed me till my pupils 
 came. Professor Farish coming to me about his busi- 
 ness, prevented my walking, except for a short time with 
 friends, among whom I shewed an unholy spirit. In the 
 afternoon, prayed earnestly over 1 Peter, particularly 
 *' the end of all things is at hand, be ye therefore sober." 
 It is this injunction I want above all things, to practise 
 to he sober and serious, to have uncompromising sin- 
 cerity. Most of the evening in writing letters to differ- 
 ent M. A.'s for Professor Farish. In my rooms, began 
 to meditate with some delight on the glory of Zion, the 
 subject of my intended sermon, but advanced little or 
 nothing in it. 
 
 10. Rose very early after an almost sleepless night, 
 and continued at sermon chiefly till eleven, making little 
 
184 JOURNAL. [1804 
 
 progress. In the morning, felt resentment at Mr. S. 
 and found it very difficult to regain a right spirit in 
 prayer. But at length I felt patient and forgiving. In 
 the afternoon, by delaying too long to begin prayer, 
 when my soul was disposed to it, I lost the opportunity, 
 by others coming in : my behaviour was thoughtless, to 
 my sore vexation and grief afterwards. When shall I 
 be delivered from this detestable levity, and inconsis- 
 tency ! Continued at sermon all the rest of the evening, 
 in great dulness, partly arising from headache. A let- 
 ter from my sister to day was very affecting to me. Oh 
 that it would please God to reveal Christ to her ! At 
 night, I seemed to enjoy my subject, which was, the 
 gradual growth of God's church. 
 
 11. (Sunday.) Was earnest this morning in 
 prayer, as I generally have been of late, on the morning 
 of the Sabbath, through the mercy of God answering 
 the prayer of his people. Till church, I was again 
 taken up in writing sermon. My natural spirits were 
 high at church, and afterwards rode to Stapleford, in 
 a joyous sort of spirit, but with no true religion in 
 exercise. Preached on 2 Cor. v. 20, 21. The congre- 
 gation ill-behaved and inattentive. Rode home sorrow- 
 ful at having preached with no more life and zest, and 
 also at finding myself incessantly tempted. As soon as 
 I came home, I continued some time in prayer : it was, 
 I trust, an act of faith in the Lord Jesus Christ. My 
 evil heart so full of sin, was causing me to depart from 
 God, and to wait till I had a better frame ; but by 
 immediate application for pardon and grace my soul 
 was restored. Afterwards for an hour before church 
 divine things were awfully presented to my mind, and 
 my heart was earnest towards God. The world was 
 gone, my thoughts were all swallowed up in the ever- 
 blessed God. Oh how swiftly does my soul advance in 
 holiness at such seasons ! Read something of Watts', 
 hoping to get some thoughts of eternal things, but 
 found it unsatisfying. Then I asked, why do not I 
 consult the fountain of truth ? so read the Psalms, with a 
 
1804] JOURNAL. 185 
 
 bright light shining upon them. At church at night, 
 rather declined in spirituality. Went into hall, with a 
 holy determination to seize any opportunity of warning 
 others of their danger. Why is not my soul more 
 serious ? I see such strong occasions for it, from with- 
 out and within, that I groan at not being able to main- 
 tain a steady sobriety and tenderness. May the Lord 
 be pleased to fix this in my mind, that I am in 
 the midst of dying souls, who are thronging to hell ! 
 How cruel ! how impious to let a brother perish for 
 want of warning ! All my unhappiness is, that I should 
 so soon become carnal. May God write, Heaven, Hell, 
 Death, and Eternity upon every object I see. 
 
 12. Felt much guilt this morning, but rose from 
 prayer in a serious humbled spirit. The thought of 
 ever having been the means of making a fellow-creature 
 miserable, one formed for the glory of God, both in 
 body and soul, sunk down my spirit with shame and 
 terror to the dust. Breakfasted with N ,and conti- 
 nued two hours about mathematics, then visited a dying 
 woman, and prayed in the midst of many people. From 
 that time pupils, and a disagreeable man, who took up 
 my time after dinner, when I was about to enjoy a 
 season of devotion, catechising children and then pupil, 
 left me no leisure for myself till near seven. I was in 
 general at peace and earnest in prayer. The rest of the 
 evening wrote with great slowness and inattention some 
 sermon : though the subject furnished me with many 
 delightful thoughts. 
 
 13. God and eternal things are my only pleasure; 
 but my faith is exceedingly weak. At breakfast this 
 morning, I found a happy and tranquil enjoyment of 
 divine meditation. I received a letter from the French 
 officer Vivian, the answer to which took up all the 
 morning. I endeavoured to send a summary of the 
 Gospel, and added some exhortations to embrace it. In 
 a short walk out, was rather confused by present 
 things. After dinner, a party of religious friends were 
 with me, I prayed repeatedly before, and during the 
 
186 JOURNAL. [1804 
 
 time, that I might be like Christ, and that the conver- 
 sation might be such as becometh saints. It was tole- 
 rably well, not idle, yet nothing in the way of affection, 
 and feeling, and for myself, though my views of pro- 
 priety of conduct were clear, and my heart felt the 
 importance of eternal things, I was very often subject to 
 vanity and levity. A little before seven I read some of 
 the word of God seriously. S — told me this evening 
 that he thought there was scarcely the least probability 
 of my going in the spring, or indeed for a year to come. 
 This, together with some other little sources of vexation, 
 made me very unhappy for a time. But I made a sud- 
 den effort to take all these things quietly, considering 
 that these are the very seasons to exercise faith. 
 
 14. Morning employed in finishing sermon on 
 Ephes. ii. 19 — 21. No particular enjoyment of divine 
 things, except in reading some of the Scriptures at 
 breakfast, and afterwards in my walk, when for a little 
 my soul was able to speak to Christ, as to one near. 
 After dinner was in the town, and called on one sick 
 man. In the evening I began to grow very averse to 
 all spiritual reading and thoughts ; but I simply asked, 
 what is it right I should do ? and I began a sermon, 
 and wrote, by consulting Hopkins, with freedom all the 
 rest of the evening. 
 
 15. Corruption always begins the day, and is before- 
 hand with grace, but morning prayer never fails to set 
 my mind in a right frame. Read the Acts this morning 
 with great delight. I love to dwell in sacred scenes, 
 other than those which pass before me, and especially 
 those in which the men of God are concerned. Passed 
 the morning in writing sermon, though greatly inter- 
 rupted and grieved by temptations. In the afternoon 
 after prayer visited a sick woman. A few friends took 
 tea with me. I fell rather into levity, though I was 
 disposed to spiritual conversation. At Trinity church 
 felt my heart worldly ; unable to realize eternity, but at 
 last I did find my heart opened a little. Preached on 
 Ephes. ii. 19—21. 
 
1S04] JOURNAL. 187 
 
 15. My soul seems to be enjoying rest: no trials 
 but yet no particular engagement ; — let me beware of a 
 calm. Prayer in the morning changed as usual my 
 whole mind. The morning was much interrupted, and 
 I was peevish and idle. Wrote letters on Professor 
 Parish's business. After dinner was sent for by Mrs. 
 P — , and staid there and at Bate's the whole afternoon. 
 Happily for me the Lord did not forsake me, — all 
 this time being without prayer. In the evening read 
 Hopkins on the first and fourth commandment, and 
 Brown's Reflections on the latter chapters of Joshua, 
 with much pleasure, and more ease of ideas ; but my 
 heart was not spiritual, and when I left off, I thought 
 with great regret, of the poor dying soul of a woman I 
 had intended to visit. But it is a happiness to my soul, 
 that I love all the work of God. I have no damping 
 doubts as formerly ; it seems indiff^erent to me, in what 
 I am employed, so it be for my God and Lord. 
 
 17. Had determined to devote this day to fasting 
 and prayer, which I very much need. Had a peace- 
 ful mind in the morning, and in a walk before breakfast, 
 great delight in God, and in prospect of being with him 
 this day ; but by receiving a letter from one of the 
 electors attributing my loss of his vote for Parish, to 
 my w^ant of earnestness, I was so vexed that I could not 
 recover my composure and peace for a good while. Owing 
 to pupils, &c. I was not left alone till one, when I walked 
 a little, and met with Mr. Lloyd, whose conversation 
 was as usual, highly spiritual and edifying. When I 
 got to my rooms, I continued about two hours in prayer, 
 with tolerable steadiness, solemnity, and seriousness, 
 and with less distraction than I have almost ever know^n. 
 I began with labouring after a broken heart, but staid so 
 long at it in vain, that I was obliged to proceed to other 
 subjects, which were chiefly, intercession for the college, 
 nation, my two sisters, and my brethren in the ministry. 
 Afterwards I read some Scripture and went to chapel, 
 and from that time till supper was visiting the sick. At 
 supper and after supper, I let slip a most excellent 
 
188 JOURNAL. [1804 
 
 opportunity of speaking on an important subject, from 
 mere heedlessness and want of thought ; which so galled 
 me when I came to my room, that I was quite unhappy. 
 10. (Sunday.) The morning of this Sabbath was 
 less happy to me than any I have had for a long time, 
 and it is just the one in which I expected to have 
 enjoyment undistracted, as having no unfinished ser- 
 m.on to oppress me. In a state of absence from God, I 
 went to prayer, as knowing it was of no use to try to 
 restore my own soul : so with all my miseryand iniquity 
 I cast myself upon God, and found the return of peace, 
 and the time passed in general happily, in reading and 
 praying till church, where during some parts of the 
 service I spoke as to God, though at others was mise- 
 rably distracted. After dinner sat in my rooms endea- 
 vouring to recollect the events of my early life, till 
 afternoon church, where I enjoyed great delight. I was 
 about to offer to Mr. Thomason to preach, but I heard 
 him on Rom. xii. 1. with great profit. By a letter from 
 Major S — to him, I learnt that Mr. Grant had no doubt 
 of getting me nominated, but that he would let me 
 know positively, about the latter end of December. I 
 rejoiced greatly at the prospect of a speedy departure, 
 feeling, I thought, joy and delight at the gathering in 
 of the Gentile souls. Yet I reasonably suspected myself. 
 The change of scene and sight of other countries, cer- 
 tainly are agreeable to me ; but as far as I can see, they 
 would not induce me to resign my ease and my life : 
 no, I believe that I lay down these, in obedience and 
 conformity to Christ, and from love to him and his 
 elect ; and had I ten thousand lives, my calm judg- 
 ment, unruffled by dangers, testifies, that they ought all 
 to be spent for Christ. But when the trying hour 
 comes, how shall I feel ? Yet I have that promise, 
 *'As thy day, so shall thy strength be," &c. En- 
 joyed great happiness and the joys of heaven, most of 
 the rest of the evening, though not without distraction. 
 In hall at supper found an opportunity of declaring very 
 plainly, the necessity of intending to keep all God's 
 
1804] JOURNAL. 189 
 
 commandments, in order to the being in an upright 
 and safe state. No answer was made me. 
 
 19. Was distracted in prayer, and unable to feel the 
 presence of God this morning in prayer. Read 6th com- 
 mandment in Hopkins, and began sermon on it. 
 Walked a little in Trinity cloisters, not distressed by 
 corrupted tempers, but yet vain in my thoughts, for 
 want of communion with God. Passed some time in 
 prayer with much seriousness, yet I could not feel that 
 powerful constraining influence to holiness of tem- 
 per which the Lord at times vouchsafes. Went imme- 
 diately after dinner, to catechise the children ; then 
 after taking tea, I went home, and was employed in 
 writing on Professor F's business, and other secular 
 business the rest of the evening. 
 
 20. Professor Parish, &c. breakfasted with me early 
 
 this morning, and afterwards N , who continued 
 
 till late in the morning, for assistance in mathematical 
 subjects. At a little interval I walked with great head- 
 ache, but my heart seemed affected towards God. Was 
 not left to myself till after dinner, when the Lord deli- 
 vered me from a temper of levity, and sloth, and 
 earthly-mindedness, by bringing to my mind the exam- 
 ple of Christ, always serving God spiritually, and those 
 words of his, " What could ye not w^atch with me one 
 hour ? " So I read Isaiah liii. and 1st Epistle of Peter, 
 with a mind delivered for a while from present things, 
 but from delaying prayer too long was interrupted. Is 
 this serving God with reverence and godly fear ? After- 
 wards went to visit , but could get him no com- 
 fort. So I desired Mr. Simeon to call. The rest of 
 the evening in conversing and writing letters. My 
 heart was not in visible disorder during all this, but it 
 is not the spiritual life that Brainerd led. 
 
 21. H — breakfasted early in the morning before his 
 departure : in my rooms till eleven, I was employed in 
 writing to my sister. At church in morning prayers, I 
 did not really speak to God ; pupils left me but a short 
 time for walking before dinner, during which I unwil- 
 
190 JOURNAL. [1804 
 
 lingly met with . After dinner, by being at Mrs. 
 
 P — 's, and at the Physic Schools to hear Cope, I lost 
 unexpectedly a season of reading and communion with 
 God, and w^as with B — and his family the next three 
 hours. I hastened to my rooms, groaning over my 
 unprofitableness, and impatient to be employed ; wrote 
 sermon till nine, when I w^ent to Professor Parish's, after 
 praying that our conversation might not be so unpro- 
 fitable. It was much better than usual, but alas, my 
 own corrupted heart wandered in vanity and folly. How 
 awful to reflect that our Maker was among us, and 
 beheld our eyes and hearts ; how fearful the sinfulness 
 of every day ! 
 
 22. Rose in painful sense of my unprofitableness ; 
 but this conviction led me to God, and away from the 
 world. In prayer, and in the morning reading of the Acts, 
 found my heart serious and tender. Wrote sermon till 
 pupils came. In my walk out, my soul held commu- 
 nion with Jesus Christ, and received the consolations 
 of the Holy Ghost, which I felt constrained to pray for. 
 '* The love of Christ constraineth us," was a text much 
 on my mind. Why did not this holy, heavenly frame 
 continue? but alas! it was very short-lived. After' 
 dinner I sat meditating for an hour on the past events 
 of my life ; but was afterwards engaged till church, by 
 B — and P — . Mr. Simeon preached on the words, 
 *' As the Father hath loved me, so have I loved you : 
 continue ye in my love." ' Christ's love resembles the 
 Fathers,' he said, * because it was without beginning, 
 without measure, without variation, and without end.' 
 The subject was delightful to me. An hour afterwards 
 I experienced great joy and love to Christ, and wdth 
 great delight and fervour prayed, that I might not only 
 rejoice in him myself, (for I find in that joy a great deal 
 of selfishness and want of solidity,) but might labour as^ 
 his minister, if it was his wall, among the poor gentile 
 nations. I longed to go, especially w^hen I remem- 
 bered, " As thy day," &c. 
 
 Wrote sermon the rest of the evening, and was sud- 
 
1804] JOURNAL. 191 
 
 denly humbled much at something in Hopkins. I have 
 indeed reason to go mourning all my days. 
 
 23. Through shortness of time I was about to omit 
 my morning portion of Scripture, yet after some delibe- 
 ration, conscience prevailed, and I enjoyed a solemn 
 seriousness in learning ' Mem' in the 119th Psalm* 
 Wasted much time afterwards in looking over an 
 Arabic Grammar. In my walk out, was much im- 
 pressed with a sense of God's mercy, in having made 
 me unlike ^ ^ * ^ I observed them 
 
 herding together, depending on one another's mirth for 
 enjoyment, while it was the very life and enjoyment 
 of my heart, to be alone with God. It sometimes ap- 
 peared astonishing, that men of like passions with my- 
 self, of the same bodies, of the same minds, alike in every 
 other respect, knew and saw nothing of that blessed and 
 adorable being, in whom my soul findeth all its happi- 
 ness, but were living a sort of life which to me would 
 be worse than annihilation, at least independent of 
 future considerations. I could rather sink into my 
 grave, than live a life so utterly distasteful to me. But 
 I want more deadness to the world in order to be happy. 
 I want to feel myself always alone with my God ; the 
 opinions of men cannot really affect me ; the thoughts 
 which other men have of me, are almost as short and 
 seldom, as if I were out of the world : then w^hy do not 
 I walk with God, as if I were alone with him on the 
 face of the earth ? In the afternoon read D. Brain erd, 
 and passed half an hour in prayer, in which I had at 
 times earnest desires for the advancement of Christ's 
 kingdom, and that I might be sent to preach to poor 
 heathens. Visited the poor Magdalene, and read 
 Romans v. with much cheerfulness and suitableness ; I 
 have still great hopes. Then drank tea with two 
 serious young men ; my conversation was with rather 
 less vanity than in general. In my room read Hop- 
 kins on the ninth commandment. After supper sat an 
 hour with Sargent at the inn, who was passing on his 
 way to be married. I rejoiced exceedingly in the por- 
 
192 JOURNAL. [1804 
 
 tion the Lord had allotted me. While I enjoy him 
 for my inheritance, I would not wish to be settled in 
 the world; even with all the assemblage of blessings 
 which S — is about to possess, which is saying a great 
 deal. I feel no wish to live except to be employed in 
 that work in which Christ died. 
 
 24. Days passed in the usual manner, w^ith pupils, 
 in writing sermon, and in general enjoying peace. 
 Received great pleasure in reading Blair's Grave at tea 
 time, and found my soul rejoicing in God, by every idea 
 excited in me, either by the poetry, or the subject of 
 death. In prayer my heart adored the Lord, as the 
 author and source of all the intellectual beauty that 
 delighted me ; as the creator of all the fair scenes of 
 creation, that employ the poet's pen, and as the former 
 of the mind, that can find pleasure in beauty. In 
 prayer at night I seemed rather far from God, and to be 
 under a cloud. 
 
 25. Rose late from having wasted a great deal of 
 time in unnecessary sleep ; in consequence of which I 
 was galled with shame, and a sense of guilt the first half 
 of the day. I had lost the presence of God, and went 
 on in a great deal of inward misery. I had a few short 
 feeble views of another world, and of the advancement 
 of the church, which on other sabbaths I have generally 
 found myself disposed to pray for with delight, but now 
 my wretched spirit went on stupidly in darkness. Was 
 much edified bv Mr. Simeon's sermon on 2 Cor. iii. 18. 
 In my ride to Lolworth made a few faint efforts to get 
 near to God, but still seemed shut out. The thought 
 of being about to preach a sermon, which nobody would 
 attend to, likewise dejected me. But in praying that I 
 might live a life of solitude and prayer, the world seemed 
 to disappear, and I found myself again with God. 
 Preached on the third commandment ; there was the 
 utmost attention, and I felt exceedingly relieved by it. In 
 a short conversation with two men who are serious, I 
 found my heart exceedingly knit to them : their modesty 
 and simplicity are quite engaging. Drank tea at Mr. 
 
1804] JOURNAL. 193 
 
 -'s, felt persuaded that he knows nothing of inward 
 
 piety ; yet while so many were present, I could not he 
 pressing on the subject. Rode home in good spirits, 
 though not much communing with God. At church at 
 night felt my heart quite full, at the singing of that sweet 
 hymn, * Jesu, lover of my soul,' &c. Was greatly 
 tired at night with peevishness, discontent, and fear of 
 mortifying the flesh ; but in prayer rose above it, and 
 was very fervent, though not free in expression, in seek- 
 ing for an entire conformity to Jesus Christ. 
 
 26. Was mostly solemn and serious in the presence 
 of God this morning, and the part of the 119th Psalm, 
 which I learnt, was of blessed use. By pupils and — 
 walking with me and catechizing the children, was not 
 left alone till six in the evening, when my heart, which 
 had become very earthly, was restored by prayer. The 
 next two hours I spent with two sick men, with both of 
 whom I prayed earnestly. In my rooms afterwards, 
 the words of the sacred poet excited in me awful views 
 of the glory of Christ. In prayer to him I was asto- 
 nished to think of the wonders of his person, that the 
 King of kings should becom.e a man, and live, and die. 
 Oh mercy unparalleled ! Worthy is the Lamb that was 
 slain. Rest of the evening wrote sermon ; my soul 
 seems labouring still with the mysterious glories of 
 religion. What shall appear to this soul when I 
 die ? What shall appear to this worm, of God's glory, 
 while I live ? At night, lay a long time sleepless, and 
 got farther and farther from God. 
 
 27. A melancholy day, the sense of my defilement 
 and self-indulgence made me feel myself abominable. 
 The 119th Psalm was again very solemnizing ; wrote 
 
 sermon; walked with B . After dinner in prayer, 
 
 was a little restored to deep views of eternity, and 
 felt my soul desiring and watching to imitate Christ, 
 and to delight in his service. At night, after praying 
 for God's preserving power, I began to read the 
 Medea. Read through Porson's Preface to the He- 
 cuba, and made extracts. As St. Austin said of Cicero, 
 
194 JOURNAL. [1804 
 
 that he did not find Christ there, so say I ; heathen 
 reading, notwithstanding all the clearness of poetry, is 
 dull and dark, as it never kindles any devotion in my 
 heart. At supper was grieved at the conversation, and 
 longed to say something effectually. 
 
 28. A disorderly morning ; at intervals I tried to 
 learn my usual portion of 119th Psalm, but lost much 
 time and comfort by distraction ; yet I determined to 
 take up nothing of my classic studies or any other, till 
 my heart received the Spirit from on high. In my walk, 
 my soul rose above its vexations ; many things fretted 
 me, but as I walked, I felt entirely devoted to the most 
 painful service of God ; I felt willing to undergo the 
 greatest hardships for Christ, and that, not from any 
 particular exercise of love, for I w^as rather melancholy, 
 but because I loved and approved the angelic w^ork ; and 
 I longed for the afternoon to come, that I might be 
 employed in it. After dinner consented unwillingly 
 from a sense of duty, to sit at C — 's, but had no oppor- 
 tunity of doing good. Went into Wall's Lane, and 
 visited several people. Supped with Professors Parish 
 and Jowett, and a Scotch Professor. Conversation not 
 uninteresting. 
 
 29. The serious, tender, and happy spirit w^hich I 
 generally feel after morning prayer, does not continue 
 long. The 119th Psalm had the same solemn effect as 
 yesterday. Though the morning w^as chiefly taken up 
 w^ith the Medea and with B — , and though unprepared by 
 prayer for conversation, by looking up to God, was ena- 
 bled to speak with some inw^ard enjoyment on the excel- 
 lence of the w^ork of the ministry. In the evening visited 
 
 B , and drank tea with A . In church in 
 
 prayer, enjoyed much of the presence of God, as ever at 
 such times, and in the hymns was tenderly affected 
 towards Christ, though it was with much distraction, 
 from the fixed contemplation of divine things. Mr. 
 Simeon preached on Gal. iii. i. 
 
 30. Was filled with shame, and self-abhorrence, and 
 sense of guilt, at having wasted time in bed, notwithstan-^ • 
 
1804] JOURNAL. 195 
 
 dingthe dictates of conscience. Finished the 1 19th Psalm; 
 at the intervals between pupils and Euripides, walked 
 out rather in a distracted contemptuous state of mind, 
 from reading * # * * * 
 
 The having to preach at Trinity also, when I saw scarcely 
 time to prepare, rather made me uneasy ; but my soul 
 enjoyed peace at last, and when I hit on the text, Ezek. 
 xxxii. 18, " As I live," &c. I felt very happy. In the 
 afternoon sat with — , and afterwards called on some 
 sick. Drank tea with W — , and spoke to him freely. 
 At my rooms, my heart drew near to God in prayer, 
 and I found my love fervent to him, for his own blessed 
 excellences. Read Euripides till very late ; I was struck 
 with the resemblance between the character and words 
 of Medea, and , in the lines 24 — 30, especially. 
 
 My mind was not taken up by these heathen studies 
 as it used to be. 
 
 Decemher 1. Morning passed as usual; I hope I 
 had a steady seriousness, but with pupils I found my 
 temper irritable. In the afternoon w^as prevented from 
 private prayer, or visiting the sick, by having to 
 
 explain Isaac Newton to F : went to chapel in 
 
 great emptiness of mind, but after chapel, found some 
 fervour in prayer. I continued till supper writing to 
 my sister. At night the last chapter of 1 Thessalonians 
 had a blessed effect in quickening me to spirituality, 
 and preparation for death, though before I was sleepy 
 and stupid. 
 
 2. (Sunday.) I have had great difficulty in keeping 
 down corruption this day. In opening scripture in the 
 morning, w^as at a loss what part to read for my edifica- 
 tion, but a short petition seemed to open my eyes a 
 little. Went to church, striving to feel my un worthi- 
 ness. Had very little fervor or recollectedness of mind 
 in the church prayers, and found myself hurrying fast to 
 extreme wretchedness, and so I simply cast myself on 
 the Saviour s grace, and found returning peace ; but I 
 was by no means happy in my ride to Lolworth. 
 Preached on the sixth commandment ; not so much 
 
 o 2 
 
196 JOURNAL. [1804 
 
 attention as last Sunday. Visited some of the people, 
 and was mostly in a spiritual frame of mind ; felt 
 oppressed with the prospect of what I had to do this 
 week : to prepare sermons for Trinity, to read Bishop 
 Butler, &c. But my soul found rest by prayer. At 
 church, I had frequently seasons of sweetness, par- 
 ticularly at giving out the text from the beginning of 
 Matt. XXV. The day of judgment appeared very blessed. 
 I rejoiced at the text and sermon, as it enabled me to 
 realize eternal things, without which I am generally un- 
 happy. Being so soon to pass away from this scene, 
 what little matter is it, how the body fares, or what men 
 say, so that my soul be approved unto God. 
 
 3. Morning till ten, as usual, in thinking on ser- 
 mon, and reading. From ten to six, was not left alone, 
 for B. walked with me, and after dinner I was obliged 
 to go out immediately to the children. I have had an 
 hour's conversation with Mr. B. By prayer my heart 
 was graciously excited to joy and gratitude. Went then 
 to B. with whom I enjoyed great freedom, and a spirit 
 of praise. In my room, read Euripides for a few hours, 
 and spent the rest in thinking on sermon. 1 Tim. had a 
 blessed effect in stirring me up to a willing devotedness 
 of myself to a life of self-denial. 
 
 4. Was plagued with a great deal of fearful unbelief, 
 and distrust, chiefly from finding myself barren in medi- 
 tation on the subject of my sermon ; but at intervals the 
 eternal world opened to my view, and aifected my heart 
 rightly. In my walk out I seemed able to be more at 
 ease. H. came to me in the afternoon : I tried a little 
 to speak on a subject that might be for his conviction, 
 but to no purpose; yet I was not faithful to him, and 
 the consciousness of this began a dejection, which 
 lasted more or less, all the evening. Visited the poor 
 Magdalene, but had my doubts of her. At my rooms, 
 read Greek till eight, and the rest of the time in thinking 
 of sermon. At short intervals had the presence of God, 
 but in general w^as lukewarm, though not tempted to 
 any dissatisfaction with my blessed work. This inter- 
 
1804] JOURNAL. 197 
 
 ference of preparation for examination greatly puts 
 me out. 
 
 5. An unprofitable day. All my leisure time till 
 pupils, was about sermon, unable to write the first sen- 
 tence. Then an hour before walk equally in vain. I 
 was exceedingly fretted, and assaulted moreover with 
 evil thoughts. It was '* the hour and power of dark- 
 ness." However, I simply cast myself on the Lord in 
 prayer, and was delivered from all evil imaginations ; but 
 unhappiness at my wretched unprofitableness remained. 
 In my walk out was quite oppressed, and full of idle and 
 foolish thoughts. As soon as I was left alone, I went 
 to visit Mrs. C. and was much affected by reading to her 
 Isaiah Ixiii. and Ixiv. On my return, met with Mr. P. 
 and C. w^ho drank tea, and staid till supper time. I had 
 not a minute to lose. However, when they were gone, 
 the Lord seemed to open my heart, and my mind, and I 
 wrote a page and recovered a little from fear and de- 
 jection. How^ easily can he shut me up ! it is from 
 him, therefore, I have received my talents, and to 
 him be all the glory ! 
 
 6. My heart w^as still disquieted this morning, and 
 weak against the assaults of sin and Satan. Now did I 
 find that the joy of the Lord shall be our strength. In 
 prayer I strove for faith, and peace of mind, and dead- 
 ness to the world, but could gain no permanent holdfast 
 of a right spirit. My patience and temper w^ere again 
 greatly tried, by not being able to write a word, till my 
 pupils came. Received a letter from K. and from my 
 brother, both agreeable, but which I would willingly 
 have been without, as they tended to bring my thoughts 
 to earth. With my pupils, I betrayed my natural spirit, 
 hasty, light, sarcastic, &c. Walked forth in great un- 
 happiness, yet praying for grace, to bear with meekness 
 all that the Lord should appoint. After dinner, I found 
 my mind quite blind and dead to spiritual things at first 
 in prayer, but gained a little nearer access to God. After 
 that, I wrote with tolerable freedom, and felt very 
 thankful for any assistance the Lord vouchsafes. My 
 
198 JOURNAL. [1804 
 
 soul reposed in sweet solemnity ; the views of death ap- 
 peared exceedingly pleasant, and I longed to think of 
 nothing, but time and eternity. My heart also delighted 
 in its union to such a blessed being as Christ. I felt 
 quite contented and happy if he would notice such a 
 worm, whether I lived in this world or the next. At 
 church, Mr. Simeon preached on Psalm xl. 17. ''I am 
 poor and needy, but the Lord thinketh upon me." Oh 
 that I were very simple and humble in heart ! My cup 
 would run over ; but I am so proud, and hard-hearted, 
 and conceited. Visited B. who was in a state of in- 
 sensibility, drawing almost his last breath. I left him, 
 looking forward myself, with some dread, to the agonies 
 of departing this life ; and then sat with Mrs. B. and 
 Mr. Simeon. The sight of Mrs. B. in tears much 
 affected me, and I could soon have joined her. These 
 emotions of the soul continued in exercise, in some 
 degree, the rest of the evening. 
 
 7. Rose early, being aw^akened by music in the 
 courts. The impression was very powerful on my 
 imagination. As I could conceive it to be the sound of 
 the heavenly choir, transporting the faithful soul to 
 glory, it seemed a very blessed, and glorious thing to 
 be the servant of God, and I wondered that I was not 
 always impressed with the same idea. Made no ad- 
 vances in my sermon, till pupils came, with whom I 
 observed rather more propriety of conduct. Called at 
 B — 's, and found he had died at five this morning. In 
 my walk, was powerfully affected by the consideration 
 that he had now been before the throne of God, and 
 received his final portion. What a thought ! He now 
 knows whether I spoke faithfully or no ; and if not may 
 perhaps curse me, for deceiving him into hell. Not- 
 withstanding these my serious thoughts in the mornmg, 
 I was subject to the most despicable vanities afterwards. 
 Made several calls, and at two houses read and prayed. 
 Could not be about my writing till seven, when I felt 
 some love to souls, and wrote a little more freely, by 
 God's assistance. 
 
1804] JOURNAL. 199 
 
 8. Rose in a spirit of seriousness, and in prayer my 
 heart was engaged. I saw very clearly, that without 
 preserving a child-like simplicity, I should never walk 
 consistently. In the course of the morning, my heart 
 was in general affected with love to God ; but in the walk 
 it w^as carried away by foolish thoughts, so as to make 
 me unwilling to be meditating on eternity. I may well 
 be convinced of the corruption of my heart, when it so 
 easily teems with all manner of folly. The rest of the 
 day was taken up with sermon, in general in peace, and 
 sweet views of another world. Supped at night with 
 
 and -, at the inn. The conversation was 
 
 miserable, and I came away tired, but not without the 
 conviction, of not having endeavoured to introduce one 
 useful remark. Oh if I had a love to souls, I could not 
 let them trifle into eternity ! How differently did the 
 Lord I profess to follow, pass the time when he visited 
 the ungodly ! 
 
 9. (Sunday.) Vide Memoir. At * * I 
 was struck with the contrast of my own exquisite feelings 
 of delight, and the apparent peevishness of some pre- 
 sent. Oh why do not they know God ? I was forcibly 
 impressed with the reality of religion. 
 
 10. My comfortable state of mind was rather clouded 
 this morning, by waste of time in bed ; but it returned 
 and continued till B. told me, that in my prayer yester- 
 day before sermon, as also at other times, I used nothing 
 but a few scriptural phrases, so that it was not like 
 prayer. The first emotions of my mind were those of 
 vexation, at this intimation, but I was struck by the 
 amazing pride of my wicked heart, that I could not bear 
 to discover any imperfection in myself, even though the 
 discovery was the only way to lead me towards perfec- 
 tion. However, the Lord helped me to improve this 
 little circumstance to my good, and I was led to see my 
 utter unworthiness and unfitness for any thing good. 
 I was willing to see myself despised ; yea, it was the 
 desire of my heart, to set before my mind such scenes 
 of my life, as should most fill me with shame and hu- 
 
200 JOURNAL. [1804 
 
 miliation. In this spirit I walked out, and it was sur- 
 prising to me, what freedom from anxiety and from in- 
 clination to sin, I found while in that state. Every one 
 I met, I regarded with reverence, and went sweetly medi- 
 tating on the meekness of Jesus Christ, and filled with 
 the hope of being one day made perfect in it, if not in 
 this world, yet in the next. This frame continued a few 
 hours ; and while it lasted, with what ease could I ob- 
 serve propriety of conduct ! And in prayer I had frequent 
 seasons of sacred delight, while I declared, that I 
 wished God to have all the glory, and yet I desired to 
 honour all his creatures. But unhappily, a man spoke 
 in praise of my sermon last night, and all these thoughts 
 presently disappeared. Thus praise gives me infinitely 
 more pain, even immediately, than the utmost abuse. 
 After catechising the children, called on Mrs. B. and 
 upon a dying boy. I went to my rooms, and rather ob- 
 tained relief from my pride, and somewhat of a return to 
 a spirit of meekness. The rest of the evening passed in 
 reading Euripides, with my heart at times much affected 
 with love towards God. 
 
 1 1 . Corruption provides me enough for morning 
 prayer : rather declined from the affectionate spirit of 
 yesterday. With my pupil, I had some disgraceful quick- 
 ness of temper, as heretofore, which grieved me all the 
 morning. In my walk, I was not happy in divine objects, 
 except at short intervals ; but I cried earnestly for meek- 
 ness and humility. In the afternoon, visited the sick, 
 and was engaged in conversation with a large number of 
 the most abandoned profligates of Cambridge. Oh that 
 oceans of tears would run down my eyes ! The rest of 
 the evening and night, with many interruptions, were 
 spent in great dulness, reading Euripides. 
 
 12. Enjoyed some delightful hours this morning, 
 especially in reading the Song ; but in my first prayer 
 was exceedingly barren and distracted. With my j pupil 
 more governed. At church, was in a light, worldly 
 spirit, insomuch, that in prayer I was half the time 
 speaking without thinking : what sparing mercy, that I 
 
1804] JOURNAL. 201 
 
 am not struck dead for such mockery. In my walk out 
 
 met with D , to whom I spoke about rehgion, by 
 
 no means in a spirit of meekness — which I was 
 sure to grieve for afterwards. After dinner, was 
 serious in prayer, and had a clearer view of my real 
 business on earth, and went to WalFs Lane in a right 
 spirit, as the servant of the Lord, and with the belief 
 that Christ would be always with me, to direct my soul 
 to his Spirit. With the poor Magdalene I prayed, and 
 still believed her penitent, from reading with her. I 
 heard the chant at King's, with the same emotions of 
 devotion as I generally have. Rest of the evening 
 passed in reading Euripides. 
 
 ] 3. Rose early, and after some difficulty attained to 
 something of a humble spirit ; how stupid am I in 
 learning the plainest truths ! I hoped I should bear in 
 mind all day the occasion I had for a mourning spirit. 
 I found joy in the course of the morning, but it was 
 mixed with levity, and natural spirits, and I would 
 rather have none than that : there is hardly any frame 
 of mind I dislike so much, because I am never farther 
 from the temper of Christ, and from holiness, and 
 from happiness. Let me be poor in spirit and meek. 
 Read Euripides at leisure hours. After dinner friends 
 came, and staid so long that I was not at leisure till 
 church, when Thomason preached. Then sat an hour 
 
 with B employed about Euripides, it was a happy 
 
 reflection to me, to perceive that in the midst of these 
 ensnaring classics my heart felt their vanity, and pre- 
 pared to think of God and read his holy law. 
 
 14. Had something of a poor and contrite spirit 
 this morning in prayer. From nine to twelve was in 
 hall about the examination ; but I did not preserve that 
 spirit which I had hoped I should, for I was light and 
 conceited. In my walk out was rather more spiritual, 
 and enabled to pray freely for some time. In the after- 
 noon visited some people till three, when I went into 
 hall till six. At this time my soul drew near the Lord 
 in prayer, and found it to be a solemn season. There 
 
20-2 JOURNAL. [1804 
 
 was something of a sacred impression on my mind 
 during the examination in hall ; several of the poetical 
 images in Virgil in which they had been examining, 
 especially those taken from nature, together with the 
 sight of the moon rising over the venerable walls, and 
 sending its light through the painted glass, turned away 
 my thoughts from present things and raised them to 
 God. My spirit was stirred up to renewed resolutions 
 to live a life of entire independence of earthly comforts, 
 though the flesh was very weak. The rest of the 
 evening passed in reading Euripides. In consequence 
 of not praying with my servant when it was rather a 
 favourable opportunity, I greatly wounded my con- 
 science, and did not recover a comfortable state all the 
 evening. 
 
 15. Rose early, being awakened by the music of the 
 waits. My morning prayer was still chiefly for humi- 
 lity and emptiness of self. In hall all the morning ; 
 but though I strove against conceit, was very full of it. 
 I was constantly setting Christ before me — but alas ! 
 how little do I imitate his spirit ! In my walk I was 
 chiefly engaged in reading for the examination, but my 
 afl^ections seemed chiefly towards heaven. Had a few 
 minutes for prayer after dinner, by which my mind was 
 composed, and the rising desire after worldly applause 
 was repressed. The only way I could find for eff'ec- 
 tually freeing myself from anxiety about the good 
 opinion of men, was to labour to feel my utter un wor- 
 thiness. If men despise me or my attainments, they 
 will do no more than what is right. Sat with the 
 examiners till three, from which time till eight I was 
 examining the men of the second class in the Medea. 
 At eight I called on Mr. Simeon and Mrs. B — . This 
 day I have been tired with the praises of men. The 
 attention and respect of the fellows to night were 
 remarkable. 
 
 16. (Sunday.) Rose with my mind full of carnal 
 and worldly thoughts running upon the Greek subject 
 I had been examining on yesterday. In prayer and 
 
1804] JOURNAL. 20 
 
 •1 
 
 afterwards I was sorely tried by the most despicable 
 vanity, and also by hypocrisy # # # 
 
 * * Then I recollected that it was my 
 vow and wish to be always living alone with God ; 
 should it then be a concern w^ith me whether men 
 admire me ? Yet I could not get any deliverance from 
 my corruption, till I w^as made to feel the misery of 
 being under the dominion of sin. Rode early before 
 breakfast to Stapleford, and then began to feel myself a 
 poor lost creature, and that the simplicity of humility 
 was that which most became me ; and enjoyed in conse- 
 quence something of a childlike spirit. Preached in 
 the morning at Stapleford on the ninth command- 
 ment. In my walk back from church with some 
 ladies professing godliness, I was grieved at their levity, 
 but made no answer but by silence and gravity. After 
 dinner Dr. Milner and Lord C — called. "^ ^ 
 
 * # # J ^yas introduced as having been Senior 
 Wrangler, but how contemptible did these paltry honours 
 appear to me ! Ah, thought I, you know not how 
 little I am flattered by these intended compliments. 
 Preached in the afternoon at Stapleford on Ezekiel 
 xxxiii. 11. to an attentive audience. On the way back 
 had a conversation with an aged believer, and called on 
 another afflicted saint, whose want of meekness and 
 patience occasioned by her great trials, rather pained 
 me. Had an opportunity of private prayer at Shelford, 
 in which though my mind was serious and not dis- 
 tracted, I felt no devotion ; as I was distrustfully anxious 
 about the evening. After tea, met about 150 people in 
 the schoolroom, and preached on Acts xx. 21. '* Testi- 
 fying to the Jews, and also to the Greeks," &c, in 
 which the Lord assisted me to be clear and impressive ; 
 but I had reason to lament my want of tenderness, or 
 rather that I had not sufficient power of speaking 
 according to the feelings of my mind. Rode home in 
 great strength of spirits ; but my joy w^as not spiritual : 
 yet I cared for nothing in this world. Read and prayed 
 at night with my servant. 
 
204 JOURNAL. [1804 
 
 1 7. After morning prayer my heart was joyous, but 
 far too light. B. breakfasted with me. The rest of the 
 day was engaged in hall and with the Fellows. I 
 governed my outward conduct pretty well in general, 
 though pride and selfishness were working within, and 
 sometimes the emptiness of my mind shewed itself by 
 speeches of folly and levity, and conformed me to the 
 ways and manners of others. Oh for that holy re- 
 serve which communion with God would not fail 
 to produce in me ! In the evening wrote to my 
 sister, and manifested a very unbecoming spirit of 
 levity and sarcasm, and impatience to one of my 
 pupils. Read Butler. At the times of prayer, my 
 heart is generally affected wdth moments of exceeding 
 joy and devotion, but I want more of the abiding fear 
 of God, and a continual sense of my own misery and 
 guilt. In the hall was much affected by the sight of 
 Lord B. whose look of meekness and humility rivetted 
 my attention, and almost melted me to tears. If there 
 is one disposition in the world I wish for more than 
 another, it is this ; but the bias of my corrupted nature 
 hurries me violently against it. 
 
 1 8 . Was greatly under the powder of corrupt imagi- 
 nations in the morning, but prayer restored me to purity 
 and peace. In hall the whole day, and in general 
 enjoyed more spirituality and less of my natural temper 
 than since the beginning of the examination. At inter- 
 vals drew near to God in prayer ; but it is high time for 
 me that this secular business should end. Read Butler 
 at night till very late. 
 
 19. My mind uneasy from anxiety, and fear of 
 unfitness for that part of the examination I was about 
 to undertake, yet always regained my peace when I 
 regarded myself as unworthy of the good opinion of any 
 body. I examined in Butler, with great ease to myself 
 and clearness. Thus it pleases God to make me honour- 
 able in the eyes of men ; I hope for the purposes of his 
 own glory. In my walk my thoughts ran far too easily 
 on these trifling things. The rest of the day in hall, 
 
1804] JOURNAL. 205 
 
 and with the Fellows, with my mind variously employed ; 
 sometimes with sweet thoughts of God, but generally 
 with dull thoughts, scarcely attending to any thing. I 
 was grieved not to be able to say any thing more 
 decisive and convincing against that ungodly book of 
 Paley's. At night after supper, an opportunity offered 
 of speaking to one of the Fellows, w^hich I did for a 
 considerable time. In prayer in general, I have been 
 fervefft in the petitions, but the particulars have been 
 fewer, my views of eternal things are narrowed, and I 
 feel less inclined to the work of God. 
 
 20. The promises of the church's enlargement 
 afforded me much delightful meditation this morning : 
 from nine till near dinner we were engaged in settling 
 the classes. In my walk the severe cold did not shut 
 up my thoughts within the body so much as of late. In 
 the afternoon I was scarcely at all alone, and about to 
 behold vanity ; but the Lord by prayer sobered and 
 quickened my mind. In the service at church my soul 
 enjoyed some true devotion. I gained instruction and 
 comfort from the sermon, John ii. 25. Happy moments ! 
 in which I can live devoutly in communion with Christ. 
 Oh what is the world to me ? and yet my thoughts are 
 not swallowed up in God. Called on a woman in 
 Wall's Lane after church. 
 
 21. Rose early, and continued a good while in 
 prayer. Most of the time till dinner I was reading 
 Poole's Synopsis of the first chapter of St. John, and 
 was much impressed with the consideration of the 
 glory of Christ, the Word. Oh, that I could think of 
 nothing else but things which belong to the wonders 
 of religion ! In my walk strove to keep near to Christ, 
 and was at times affected with admiration and love. 
 On my return sat an hour with the poor Magdalene, and 
 read the bible to her, to her seeming profit. Then 
 dined at Mr. Simeon's with a large party of religious 
 friends, and ladies ; but the conversation was not reli- 
 gious or in any way improving. So when I went away 
 at seven, it was with regret at the time's being all lost. 
 
206 JOURNAL. [1804 
 
 Went to the class and read and spoke on Revelations ii. 
 to the church of Ephesus, with freedom ; but was by no 
 
 means satisfied with my prayer. Sat with and 
 
 his brother, an officer in the guards ; their conversation 
 was far more becoming Christians, than ours had been 
 in the afternoon. I look forward to a day of prayer; 
 for my soul hath great need of quickening and restora- 
 tion, that it may act more in the view of eternity, and 
 conformably to the holy profession whereunto I am 
 called, of a minister of Christ. 
 
 22. Another day is passed, and another week, in 
 which I have very, very little lived according to my 
 prayer ; seldom feeling myself alone with God. My 
 heart has not been drawn out in prayer : neither has his 
 word been sweet to me, and this I may safely attribute 
 to my not giving more time to the work. Most of the 
 morning passed in reading Poole on the 1st of John. 
 In my walk, I met with C. with whom I talked with far 
 too little restraint in his own way, on the oriental 
 languages. I should not talk to a miser on the way of 
 getting money ; so neither should I talk with C. on that 
 which is his idol. After dinner, I was in a peaceful 
 
 melancholy, at hearing of the death of P at 
 
 Gibraltar : death was pleasant to me, though I had little 
 joy or nearness to God ; but I wished for no work, no 
 employment in earth or heaven, but the service of God. 
 Visited an old woman dying, full of self-righteousness ; 
 I tried, in vain, to convince her. By going to chapel, 
 and pupils, I was not alone till seven ; from which time 
 I was greatly dejected, at my utter unprofitableness, and 
 
 inability to write sermon. G and H had come 
 
 to sup with me, and my heart enjoyed much of a humble 
 spirit. 
 
 23. (Sunday.) In great depression of spirits, and 
 self-abasement, I prayed this morning, and felt the 
 power of religion. My soul was alone with God, and I 
 hoped I should be steadily with him all the day. I felt 
 fully disposed to go any where, or to do any thing for 
 God ; not from zeal, but from resignation, and a sense 
 
1804] JOURNAL. 207 
 
 of utter worthlessness and unprofitableness. I was told 
 of the death of the self-righteous woman I visited ; and 
 also of the sudden death of a dear Christian female 
 friend. My views on death w^ere somewhat different 
 from lately. I have rather wished to live to do some- 
 thing for God ; but now I wished rather to die, to be 
 free from my sinfulness and uselessness. Preached at 
 
 L on the Ninth Commandment, and visited some 
 
 people, and was somewhat revived by singing hymns with 
 one latterly profane. In my ride home, still had some 
 slavish fear. At supper in hall, had a little share of 
 conversation, and said something that I trust will 
 fasten. I had perfect command of myself, which is 
 my main object : for if I say any thing that can be gain- 
 sayed, I had much better not have spoken at all. 
 
 24. The whole day almost was employed in writing, 
 in which God graciously assisted me far beyond my ex- 
 pectation. This was rather reviving to my spirits, and 
 led me to thankfulness. By sitting till very late, so long 
 without bodily motion, was chilled, the whole night, 
 and got little sleep. 
 
 25. My morning thoughts were unworthy of this 
 sacred day, till they were somewhat sanctified by prayer. 
 Read at St. Edward's church, and delivered the cup at the 
 sacrament for the first time. I longed to be rightly 
 affected with contrition and devotion, but all in vain ; I 
 found the body of sin and death very oppressive. 
 Preached at Lolworth on John i. 14. to a very small 
 congregation, but with my own heart affected. On my 
 return, dined with Mr. B. and our conversation in 
 general was such as becometh the gospel of Christ. At 
 church, at night, had reason to lament the want of pri- 
 vate communion with God ; as my thoughts were too 
 easily apt to fix on outward things, to engage in the 
 ordinances. Yet in the latter part I thought I had a 
 great and tender love for souls, and that I could long to 
 see every one of them coming to Christ, and being 
 happy. In my rooms meditated a long time on the 
 latter part of Galatians ii. and though I had scarcely any 
 
208 JOURNAL. [1804 
 
 insight into it, my soul rejoiced in hope of experiencing 
 the power of the cross of Christ, even as the apostle. 
 
 26. Had some enjoyment in prayer ; but I need very 
 much a day of humiliation, and continued supplication. 
 
 had breakfasted with me. Though my mind was 
 
 at times spiritual, my conversation was but little agree- 
 able to the simplicity and humility of the gospel. The 
 whole morning was taken up by the calls of different 
 people ; to one of my pupils I declared the counsel of 
 God ; in my walk out endeavoured to think on the life 
 of faith, and in a short season before dinner, found the 
 presence of God in prayer. Went into the combination 
 room after dinner, where some of those present kept me 
 constantly employed, by asking me questions, to make 
 me speak against the usual amusements of men. In the 
 evening, read Grotius' Commentary on the 1st of Reve- 
 lations, and wrote to my brother. At night, passed 
 some hours in meditating on Gal. ii. 20. It is very 
 delightful to enter into the spirit of the Epistles in any 
 measure — indeed of any part of the w^ord of God : I find 
 that it is the sincere milk by which I grow. In the 
 midst of my vanities and fickleness, I find no pleasure 
 at all, save in the views of eternity. 
 
 27. Had great difficulty to keep my mind in peace 
 all this morning, from anxiety about this evening's 
 ministrations. After writing a French letter to Vivian, 
 the French officer, I went out to a funeral, and was de- 
 tained by it the whole morning. I endeavoured to 
 employ my time well, by making occasional reflections 
 on the people about me ; but chiefly by meditating on a 
 subject for the evening. In prayer, after this, I strove 
 to exercise faith, and to stay my mind upon God, w^hich 
 he enabled me to do. At dinner, I was obliged to 
 be engaged in the same subject of meditation, and 
 though my mind was not quite easy, many profit- 
 able reflections suggested themselves. After dinner, 
 I officiated at another funeral. From the deadness 
 of my soul to holy thoughts and unfitness for duty, 
 I thought it would have been happier for me to have 
 
1804] JOURNAL. 209 
 
 been fasting than feasting. Drank tea at N — — , where 
 I spoke with ease and clearness on Gal. ii. 20. for a' 
 good while. Went away in great thankfulness, and 
 desire to be again employed in God's service at home ; 
 
 but to my dissatisfaction, , whom I knew six years 
 
 ago, came in, and sat with me till near midnight, dis- 
 puting on religion. I was perfectly dispassionate 
 throughout, and proved every thing he said to be false ; 
 but such a mixture of profaneness, infidelity and in- 
 genuity, filled my soul with anguish. Oh how I longed 
 to be in heaven, out of the w^ay of such ungodliness. 
 What a life w^ill it be to me to pass through a world of 
 such men ; but the time will one day be over, and then 
 I shall see none but holy servants of God ; but my 
 business here, is to carry God's light through a world 
 of darkness. 
 
 28. Employed this morning in reading Erpenius's 
 Arabic grammar, and writing to Mr. J. on public 
 amusements. In my walk, and during dinner, was 
 meditating on John xiii. 17. for the evening. It is 
 good for me to have no care or comfort, but what I can 
 get by faith ; my peace is purer. I sat in combination 
 room an hour after dinner, but felt, on coming out, that 
 I could hardly expect to receive God*s blessing on my 
 own heart, and this evening's ministrations, after ne- 
 glecting the due means. But He graciously assisted me 
 this evening, both in exposition of John xiii. and in 
 prayer. For tw^o hours afterw^ards employed in wTiting 
 
 out my letter to S , with my soul occasionally 
 
 cheered by joyful views of another world. 
 
 29. Much of the morning wasted by irregular read- 
 ing, Grotius's commentary, newspapers, &c. by which 
 my mind was left more unhappy than if it had been 
 oppressed by too much business. Visited the poor 
 Magdalene this afternoon, she seemed to be dying. 
 P and took wine with me, and in conse- 
 quence of theological disputes, staid till nine. I was 
 exceedingly grieved afterwards at having lost so 
 much precious time, — never, never to be recovered ; in 
 
210 JOURNAL. [1804 
 
 which I recollected I might have been comforting many 
 poor souls, or storing my mind with knowledge, or 
 growing more spiritual by prayer. Smith on ' Sacred 
 Offices,' in a part speaking of the necessity of prayer, was 
 made very useful to me. I felt that I neither had, nor 
 was thinking of giving so much time to prayer for my 
 poor people as I ought. 
 
 30. (Sunday.) Most shamefully wasted much time 
 in bed, and rose full of shame and anguish, which con- 
 tinued in a less degree all day. Preached at St. Giles' 
 church on John iii. 3. without notes, and w^ent through 
 it with distinctness and correctness, though both body 
 and mind were in a stupid state. In the afternoon, at 
 the same church, on Acts xx. 21. Read and prayed 
 afterwards with Mrs. S. and another. In the evening 
 before church , was a little enlivened by a sense of God's 
 mercy. At church, several things served to humble me, 
 and make me think slightly of myself. 
 
 31. I had determined last night, to devote this 
 morning to practical reading and prayer, but when the 
 morning came, I was very unwilling at first, to leave 
 many things undone, as would be necessary ; but, how- 
 ever, I did devote the morning to it, and found the 
 presence of God with me, so that I was enabled to stir 
 up my attention constantly, and to watch unto medita- 
 tion and prayer. My mind was also vigorous in my 
 walk. After dinner, a party of religious friends sat with 
 me, whose names I will write, that I may remember them 
 this time twelve-month, if God spare my life. Our con- 
 versation was tolerably useful. The rest of the evening 
 I enjoyed much of God's presence, and in prayer at 
 night was full of joy ; devoting myself to God's service, 
 and rejoicing at the lapse of time. But alas ! I may 
 truly groan at the unprofitableness of the last year. For 
 the first half, I was severely tried, and then I w^as but 
 little resigned to the righteous dispensations of God. It 
 then pleased the Lord to deliver me, but instead of 
 rendering him joyful service, as I expected, I seem to 
 have more pride and lukewarmness. In two things I 
 
[1805 JOURNAL. 211 
 
 see a lamentable, a melancholy defect. I am not a man 
 of prayer. I pray frequently for myself, and with fer- 
 vor, but I am not found a man to stand in the gap. 
 Secondly, I do not feel that I am performing the duties 
 of the ministry in that part of it which respects private 
 visiting. This evil indeed is the consequence of the 
 former. But my soul panteth after holiness, nothing 
 appears at all desirable to me for a moment, but God. 
 May he make his creature spiritual. So closes the easy 
 part of my life, encircled by every earthly comfort, and 
 caressed by friends, and never long under spiritual 
 affliction. I may be perhaps said scarcely to have ex- 
 perienced trouble, but now farewell ease ; if I may pre- 
 sume to conjecture, the next year will bring with it 
 difficulties or death. Perhaps I shall never see the ter- 
 mination of another year ; nov/, therefore, O Lord, into 
 thy hands I commit my spirit, for thou hast redeemed 
 me, oh Lord, thou God of truth. May I be saved by 
 thy grace, and be sanctified to do thy will now, and to 
 all eternity, through Jesus Christ. Amen. 
 
 January 1, 1805. (See Memoirs.) P. 93, ed. 10. 
 
 2. I found great peace and increase of spirituality in 
 considering prayer my proper business : the going 
 among our people, which used to fill me with anxiety, 
 appeared easy and pleasant to me : read at church with 
 
 seriousness, and no temptation at all to levity. 
 
 and , by constant questioning and arguing with 
 
 me, gave me a most complete opportunity of tell- 
 ing them almost all I could have wished. I w^ent 
 away greatly pleased, though somewhat pained at 
 having w^ounded 's feelings by too strong ex- 
 pressions of ray indignation, at his having been publicly 
 singing anacreontic songs. After an hour in my 
 
 rooms, I went to W 's, where I expounded the 12th 
 
 chapter of St. John. In prayer I was more free from 
 false fervour, and was more deliberate and orderly. 
 Thence I went to an old woman who w^as dying, and 
 read and prayed \vith her. 
 
 3. Read a little of Basil on the first Psalm. I was 
 
 p 2 
 
212 JOURNAL. [1805 
 
 struck with his eloquence, but found little evangelic 
 truth. I found solemnity and seriousness at different 
 times in prayer this morning, but in my walk, my heart 
 was ever beholding vanity. At church I was in a very 
 insensible state, but my thoughts were afterwards more 
 
 taken up by considering 's words, that God 
 
 generally used mean instruments of conversion in pre- 
 ference to the wise and learned. The exercise of humi- 
 lity, to which this gave occasion in me, was a very pro- 
 fitable one. I felt quite as well disposed to live 
 labouring and praying for souls, without ever being 
 honoured by having any given tx) me, as with prospects 
 of abundant success. May the Lord gather them how 
 and by whom may be most to the advancement of his 
 own glory. 
 
 4. In my walk, the desire of my heart was toward 
 God, but the body of death kept my spirit down, yet on 
 fleeing from these thoughts, I rose for a while to hea- 
 venly peace and joy. After dinner found an opportu- 
 nity of giving a solemn warning ; the rest of 
 
 the evening was taken up with preparation for my 
 departure : my mind was affected with solemnity and 
 melancholy, as it usually is in such times, but in prayer 
 it was a sweet reflection that I was a stranger and pil- 
 grim, that I neither sought nor wished to have my rest 
 on earth. Let no change of place distract my mind 
 from being constantly in prayer to my God. 
 
 5. Rose early, and my spirit was in a state of enjoy- 
 ment. In the coach from Cambridge to , there 
 
 was a very clever woman, of great vivacity and infidel 
 principles. I do not know what effect all that I have 
 said had on her, for there was so much levity, that her 
 real feelings were in constant disguise. I was fre- 
 quently depressed at , by the solitude and spiri- 
 tual darkness of the place, but by earnest prayer against 
 these feelings, I found that I could live independ- 
 ently of all created comforts upon God alone, and me- 
 ditated in peace of mind upon my subjects for to- 
 morrow, studying how I might speak with the greatest 
 
1805] JOURNAL. 213 
 
 possible plainness. The afternoon was passed with 
 
 , who has been long oppressed with doubts and 
 
 fears. In the evening I was alone, and passed some 
 hours in reading and prayer ; the sermon of Jonathan 
 Edwards on the ' Day of Judgment,' and on ' Tearful- 
 ness hath surprised the hypocrites,' made me tremble at 
 the fearful condition of lost souls, and made me feel 
 uncomfortable at the consideration of such a melancholy 
 subject. Read and prayed in the family. 
 
 6. (Sunday.) Preached to a small congregation on 
 John iii. 8, with needless plainness, and rather too great 
 familiarity, as I learnt afterwards, and in the afternoon 
 on 2 Cor. v. 20, 21, at which time the earnestness of 
 my manner excited the mirth of many people present. 
 I was greatly grieved at it, yet perhaps if I had had 
 their benefit more at heart, I should have taken care to 
 deliver these truths with the least possible offence ; so 
 that even in this case I may reasonably blame myself. 
 Afterwards catechized, and sung with the children. In 
 the evening read one of Jon. Edwards's sermons with 
 , whose conversation full of levity and inconsis- 
 tency, especially considering the day, was very painful 
 to me ; his incessant loquacity was tiresome to me, 
 
 almost beyond bearing. I could scarcely give the 
 
 attention consistent with common politeness ; it is no 
 wonder such sort of Christians have fears, and my 
 exhortation accordingly to him, was to serve God better, 
 and to pass more time in prayer. In private afterwards, 
 my soul was drawn out in fervent prayer, and felt the 
 presence of the glorious God. I longed to be ten thou- 
 sand times more devoted to him than I had been, and to 
 pass the remainder of my days in humble laborious 
 exertions in the cause of Christ. 
 
 7. Left B , and arrived at dinner in Brunswick 
 
 Square, w^here I passed the remainder of the evening 
 very agreeably with old Mr. and Mrs. Bates, for their 
 favourite subject was religion. I called on Mr. Grant, 
 who told me I might certainly consider myself as des- 
 tined for India, though I w^as not yet appointed. He 
 
214 JOURNAL. [1805 
 
 had however no doubt that I should be very soon. The 
 situation he has been endeavouring to get for me, was 
 that of Chaplain to Fort William. Thus it pleases God 
 to keep me in a certain degree unfixed, and it is but that 
 his own wise purposes should be fulfilled in their time. 
 I find these apparent delays very beneficial to me, as I 
 perceive that God works in providence, as in nature, 
 very slov/ly, which is a check to youthful rashness. Had 
 some difficulty in prayer at night, from the distractions 
 of the day, but w^ith some blessed moments of drawing 
 near to God, and away from the world. 
 
 8. Walked many hours in the street, which greatly 
 disturbed my thoughts, but when I repeated to myself 
 some of the chapters in Ephesians, I was with God and 
 happy ; on my return home, however, I w^as astonished, 
 on reflecting on the pride, and hardness, and wicked 
 imaginations that have been teeming in this corrupted 
 heart. Read some of the Psalms at home, and prayed 
 in som.e shame and humility against the repetition of 
 such wickedness : while I walked in such danger, what 
 but God's long-suffering and covenanted mercy preserved 
 me ? In the evening a chapter was read, and Mr. 
 
 prayed, and then we sung, ' Salvation, oh the 
 
 joyful sound,' with great joy ; my own mind was in 
 general quiet and collected, but I was very slothful in 
 conversation. 
 
 9. In reading the charge to the priests at the ordi- 
 nation service, I was affected even to tears, at the 
 importance of the ministry. The great mental talents 
 of some men naturally excite my envy, but when I am 
 able to think of God, who hath thus gifted his crea- 
 tures, I have often had new views of him, and been 
 astonished at the greatness of his glory, and his tran- 
 scendant excellency,- and been filled with wonder and 
 delight, that so mean a creature should belong to him 
 as much as angels. 
 
 10. Walked about the grounds before breakfast, 
 and felt little disposed to exchange my humble and 
 laborious calling, as it appears to this world, for the 
 
1805] JOURNAL. 215 
 
 ease and grandeur of the rich. My mind was however 
 getting carnal and distracted from God, by so much com- 
 pany, and so little prayer and reading. Somewhat re- 
 stored by reading and learning the Epistle to the Romans, 
 but alas ! I find it requires more exertion and communion 
 with God, to maintain that due spirituality of mind, than 
 I am using. I was a long time engaged in writing to 
 
 , because it was on a subject on which I knew not 
 
 my own mind ; it was about Lydia : after some delibe- 
 ration, I ventured to request a correspondence with her ; 
 but my heart felt submissive before God, how he 
 should ordain it. 
 
 1 1 . After breakfast began to read Isaiah, being in 
 great need of being quickened by God, and warned by 
 his word, and I found some life in the exercise of read- 
 ing and prayer. We called on Mr. Cecil, with whose 
 conversation I was much struck and edified : after leav- 
 ing him, I called on , and was excessively uneasy 
 
 at the conversation between the female part of the com- 
 pany, which was entirely on the amusements of the 
 world. I was soon about to ask them if they had ever 
 
 found happiness in these things, but coming in, 
 
 we spoke on a subject much more agreeable to me. 
 When I left him, I seemed to feel again the pain of 
 parting with Lydia, but I renew^ed the dedication of 
 myself to God and his service : officiated at family 
 worship, and was serious in prayer, which I am sure 
 was a mercy I had no need to expect, after the levity 
 and neglect of the day. But God is plenteous in good- 
 ness, and rich in mercy. He dealeth not with us after 
 our sins, neither rewardeth us after our iniquities. 
 
 12. Left London in low spirits, partly from illness 
 and partly from the dissipation of my thoughts from 
 delight in God. During the whole journey, I was 
 exceedingly stupid and heavy, generally thinking of 
 Lydia : on my arrival I cried to God for deliverance 
 from my present state of lukewarmness and irreligion, 
 and found some little increase of spirituality after pray- 
 ing. Strove to feel in prayer the awfulness of eternity. 
 
216 JOURNAL. [1805 
 
 and of the work of the ministry. O that I may watch 
 for souls, as one who must give an account. O that I 
 may hear God's trumpet sound, and warn souls, lest 
 they should perish, and their blood be required at my 
 hand. Would to God I was stirred up to feel the affec- 
 tions of a minister. I was in some doubt whether I 
 
 should send the letter to E , as it was taking a very 
 
 important step, and I could scarcely foresee all the con- 
 sequences. However I did send it, and may now be 
 said to have engaged myself to Lydia. 
 
 13. (Sunday.) Rose in great self-abasement, and 
 shame, and grief, at having no fruits of labour to offer 
 to God this day. I was enabled most of the day to 
 retain a spirit of watchfulness, perceiving the necessity 
 of stirring up myself to a right mind. And in conse- 
 quence, what used to make me uncomfortable, appeared 
 very agreeable. I was pleased with the thought of being 
 alone, exposed to the inclemencies of the weather, and 
 deprived of earthly comforts, thinking I should be a 
 gainer on the whole, by having more of the presence of 
 God, and experiencing the power of Christ resting upon 
 me. I prayed before sermon that God would glorify 
 himself, and not me, in the conversion of sinners, and 
 in the first hymn at church I was almost overcome with 
 joy ; I hardly ever remember to have tasted such un- 
 mixed delight. ' Thine earthly sabbaths, Lord, we 
 love,' was the hymn. Oh, I thought, it is happy to pass 
 one's days in contention with the flesh, and painful 
 diligence, if it was only because they so much brighten 
 the hope and the prospect of glory. Mr. Simeon 
 preached on " Ye cannot serve God and mammon," in 
 a most clear and powerful manner. Found much edifi- 
 cation at night in reading some parts of the sermons of 
 that great man, Jonathan Edwards, as I did of quick- 
 ening in the morning from David Brainerd. 
 
 14. A day of struggling with natural corruption, 
 not operating in a way of gross sinfulness, but inces- 
 santly leading me away from God into vanity and 
 cares. By walking time I was become peevish, though 
 
1805] JOURNAL. 217 
 
 prayer at intervals in the morning had given me mo- 
 mentary tranquillity. Continued diligently watching 
 over my own frame, and striving to sooth it into com- 
 fort and happiness by dependence on God. Catechized 
 the children the whole afternoon, and by reason of 
 standing in the cold and keeping them in order, I was 
 excessively fatigued. Did little all the rest of the even- 
 ing ; without prayer I should have sunk into great 
 dejection, but God by that still kept me in general with 
 my head above mine enemies round about. I had 
 several little things to try my patience to-day, and my 
 soul longed at first to depart, but I saw it to be nobler 
 to live out the troubles of life. 
 
 15. I was sorely tried this morning by an unhappy 
 spirit of distrust and anxiety, from which repeated prayer 
 gave me only a temporary relief. I sat an hour with 
 Mr. Simeon, who much reprobated the idea of my 
 being settled near or at Calcutta, as Mr. Brown or 
 Buchanan would want me to take their places in the 
 college, and I should be more than half a secular man. 
 He said he wished me to be properly a missionary, one 
 who should be quite dead to this world and living for 
 another. I thought of my dear Lydia as he spoke thus, 
 but without regret, except that I had written that letter, 
 for my inclination entirely coincided with Mr. Simeon's 
 opinions. Went to meet a person at whose house I 
 had been entertained some years ago. There was a 
 great deal of abuse of missionaries, especially of those at 
 Otaheite, and with all this there was of course a consi- 
 derable number of errors asserted. Against all which 
 the Lord enabled me to keep my ground and to bear 
 testimony ; with the bible in my hand and Christ at my 
 right hand strengthening me, I can do all things. What 
 though the world believe not, God abideth true, and my 
 hope in him shall be stedfast. 
 
 16. In my walk I was meditating on the subject of 
 the sermon ; my desires were strong at this time, to be 
 preaching to the gentiles, but more from a sight of its 
 excellency, than love to Christ or souls. Could not 
 
218 JOURNAL. [1805 
 
 procure a right spirit this afternoon, longer than for a 
 few moments after prayer. At times, when I had the 
 feelings of one anxiously concerned to preach faithfully 
 to souls, I was very happy, and my work was pleasant, 
 but I have had very little of the presence of God to-day. 
 Let me never rest quietly without it. 
 
 17. Endeavoured to compose my mind to a right 
 frame of seriousness, of indifference to the opinions of 
 the world, and a solemn regard for souls. But I want 
 more solitude and prayer, in order to maintain a sted- 
 fast regard to eternal things, and God's presence. 
 Preached at Trinity Church on John i. 14. the sermon 
 was deficient in seriousness, and though I felt no desire 
 to glorify myself, it did not seem as if God were speak- 
 ing by me. Having but one pupil this term, I hope to 
 be more at leisure for the work of the ministry, and that 
 my God will give me grace to improve my opportunities 
 with very great diligence. The worldly conversation I 
 am so much engaged in from day to day is very dead- 
 ening. It is sweet indeed still to find God my hiding- 
 place and my shield, but my thoughts wander from him 
 in prayer for want of spiritual exercise. 
 
 18. Read in Edwards, and wrote on a subject. In 
 my walk was thinking on " Wilt thou be made whole," 
 
 After dinner 's friends, with some others, took 
 
 wine with me; the conversation, though not much on 
 religion, was interesting and learned. Had occasion to 
 lament afterwards, a levity and unfeelingness of heart ; 
 this is my constant error. I would that I were as 
 Christ, holding myself in tender collectedness of mind, 
 ready to do good, and always feeling a desire after it. 
 
 19. Had my temper greatly tried this morning. 
 Almost the whole of my morning prayer was used to get 
 my spirit at peace. 
 
 20. (Sunday.) Rose with my mind serious and 
 concerned for souls ; had power to keep the world out of 
 sight, almost as soon as it intruded ; from Cambridge 
 to Lolworth I was enabled to pass my time in prayer, 
 in the sweet, serious, sedate sense of God's presence. I 
 
1805] JOURNAL. 219 
 
 felt more of the missionary spirit than I have ever done, 
 being willing at the time to run ; find pleasure in the 
 thoughts of seeing no friend or companion any more, 
 but of travelling about in the same inclement weather as 
 now, preaching the kingdom of God to the most igno- 
 rant. There appeared great glory and excellency in the 
 work, and I longed to be conformed to Jesus Christ in 
 it. Preached on Rom. vii. 18, heard the children at 
 school, and called at several houses w^here the people 
 had stayed at home on account of weather. One couple 
 to whom I had been most kind, were pointedly disres- 
 pectful ; such is the ingratitude of man, but I begin to 
 learn by experience, how incorrigible and intractable he 
 is. Yet I will not cease from warning every one, night 
 and day. 
 
 21. Walked with W , and was tolerably under 
 
 self-command. Passed the whole afternoon in cate- 
 chizing, and was as before, greatly fatigued. After an 
 hour of Thucydides with my pupil, I passed the remainder 
 of the evening in meditation, on a subject of Scripture, 
 and prayer, and was much assisted. In prayer cried 
 for mercy, under a sense of my guilt and great danger. 
 My whole soul went forth to take hold of Christ, and 
 to keep nigh to him, lest I should perish. Went to 
 bed with my flesh trembling for fear of God's judgments. 
 
 22. Passed the morning in meditation on Job xxvii. 
 8 — 10. This afternoon a letter came from Mr. G. 
 desiring me to sail for St. Helena in eight or ten days. 
 The suddenness of this call produced some perturbation 
 of spirits. As I cannot be ordained priest till after the 
 18th of February, it is impossible to go so soon, but I 
 think I shall go immediately after. I found great need 
 of prayer for tranquillity and composure of mind, and 
 for an affection ate remembrance of these dear people I 
 am about to leave, that my last discourses may be more 
 spiritual and awakening than the former ; and also for 
 preparation for death, that it may not come upon me 
 unawares ; but that if I am summoned to the bar of 
 judgment in the midst of the bustle of departure from 
 
220 JOURNAL. [1805 
 
 this country, my accounts may be all ready and right. 
 Felt more persuaded of my call than ever, indeed there 
 was scarcely a shadow of a doubt left. Rejoice, oh my 
 soul, thou shalt be the servant of thy God in this life, 
 and then in the next for all the boundless ages of 
 eternity. 
 
 23. Uncomfortable most of this day from a sense of 
 mis-spent time. Walked out, with my soul toward God, 
 and my thoughts much employed on my approaching 
 departure. In the evening read a lesson in Hindostanee, 
 but found myself in great uneasiness from my utter un- 
 profitableness, I cried to God for deliverance from this 
 lukewarm, irregular state. The reading of Col. i. im- 
 mediately after, was applied to my heart and conscience. 
 Went to , hoping there might be suitable conver- 
 sation amongst us. But the utmost levity prevailed. I 
 was not carried away with it at all, but I excited myself 
 veiy little to promote suitable subjects. It is miserable 
 living with men ; were I not commanded to seek my 
 religion from God, and to find my comfort in his pre- 
 sence and work, I should be very unhappy. 
 
 24. Waited in the greatest expectation for a letter 
 from Mr. Grant ; reading in the meantime the Hin- 
 dostanee, but no letter came. Then read and prayed 
 over Col. i. and ii. Alas ! how little do I know of ex- 
 perimental religion ! how little am I influenced by 
 such spiritual motives as the apostle there inculcates. 
 Walking in Christ Jesus is something very different 
 from what our reason would ever suggest, or is willing 
 to give up to. May I know those evangelical mysteries. 
 Passed the rest of the morning in meditation on a sub- 
 ject for a sermon. Spent the afternoon with some 
 friends very delightfully. We sung some hymns with 
 music. I felt much animated in devotedness to the ser- 
 vice of my God, especially in the missionary work. After 
 an hour with my pupil, went to church, and was edified 
 by Mr. Simeon's sermon on Rom. viii. 12. and felt 
 greatly influenced to mortify the flesh, and to keep it 
 under, especially its slothful inclinations ; this world is 
 
1805] JOURNAL. 221 
 
 not the place to consult ease. Oh may I receive grace 
 never to be in bondage to it, as I am by nature. Saw 
 the Mohawk after church, and was filled with pity to 
 find he was going back from the goodness of God. 
 
 25. Rose early, and wrote sermon before breakfast, 
 afterwards read Hindoostanee. Continued the whole 
 morning in expectation of a letter , at last it came, and 
 contained Mr. Grant's urgent request that I might go in 
 eight days, but I found it was illegal for the Bishop to 
 ordain before twenty-four. I have been much under the 
 influence of a light, vain spirit to-day, though my heart 
 has been towards God, both in prayer and at other 
 times. I longed to get near him, yet my wandering 
 mind led me continually astray, and no spirituality re- 
 mained an hour after prayer. I could use the most 
 solemn prayer, and have the most solemn desires 
 pass through the mind, and yet rise with my thoughts 
 instantly going on things about me, without any holy, 
 spiritual grace. At night, it was rather better. I found 
 renewed profit in reading the latter part of the Epistle to 
 the Thessalonians, as I had in reading the first part in 
 the morning. The epistles, particularly to the Ephesians, 
 Philippians, Thessalonians, and Colossians, are very 
 useful to my soul at present. At other times I take less 
 pleasure in reading, but now it is my earnest desire 
 to increase in spirituality and rest. 
 
 26. This morning in prayer, had very clear views of 
 eternity, and of my work on earth. I longed that I 
 might not say one word to men of myself, from my own 
 mind, but that God would put his own word into my 
 mouth, that I might feed his people with truly spiritual 
 food. Was generally joyful in my walk. Till midnight, 
 continued slowly writing with repeated intervals and dis- 
 traction. The nearness of my departure, and the interest 
 so many people take in it, tended to harass my spirits, 
 but I have found it particularly easy to-day to stay 
 myself upon God, and so to be at peace. 
 
 27. (Sunday.) Preached at Trinity on Rom. vh. 
 18. I was in greater fear when I ascended the pulpit, 
 
222 JOURNAL. 1805] 
 
 than I ever remember to have been ; but the moment I 
 began to pray, all my fears vanished. Mr. Simeon 
 pointed out the faults in my sermon afterwards, for it 
 seems the lower people in general were not able to 
 understand it. In my ride to Lolworth, was a little 
 dejected at not having preached intelligibly, and es- 
 pecially as I feared I was ill calculated to instruct the 
 poor ignorant heathen ; yet surely I can, if I am on my 
 guard, for I seem to be able to instruct children. 
 Preached at Lolworth, on Acts xx. 21. to an attentive 
 congregation, I think with great plainness. Sat an hour 
 after church, with a woman apparently dying. I talked 
 a great deal to her, and concluded with prayer. Had 
 much of God's presence on my return home. The' glory 
 of heaven stirred me up to press toward the mark, and 
 I longed to be doing the Lord's work. Prayed at night 
 with my bed-maker. 
 
 28. Filled vAth shame, or rather with a conviction 
 that I ought to be, at the waste of my time this morning 
 in bed ; how abominable it is with my profession of re- 
 ligion, to throw away those precious moments in which 
 the rest of God's people have been employed in early 
 devotion. Walked with B. who told me there was dis- 
 approbation with some people yesterday morning at my 
 having preached instead of Mr. Simeon. This made me 
 a little unhappy, by the wound it gave to my pride. 
 But may God, of his mercy, mortify this vile inmate of 
 my heart, and teach me henceforth to be willing that my 
 name should be cast out as evil, even by God's people, 
 and that God should have all the honour and glory. 
 From dinner till supper, catechized the children. I cried 
 unto the Lord in great unhappiness. I could profess to 
 him that I w^as not dissatisfied with his work or his 
 commandments, but with my own folly and corruption, 
 whereby my vanity is of power sufficient to draw my 
 thoughts away from God, my best, my dearest, my only 
 portion. Felt an exceeding satisfaction at the rich word 
 of Christ contained in the Epistles, as I read Galatians 
 at night. I have need to hunger and thirst after 
 
1805] JOURNAL. 223 
 
 righteousness, for I am exceedingly empty. What a 
 happy soul should I be were I quite crucified to the world. 
 
 29. In my walk, was chiefly thinking on subjects for 
 the evening. In the afternoon, wTote to S , ex- 
 pressing high things, such as ardour in the work before 
 me, and joy in God. May I never falsify these profes- 
 sions. Passed some time in prayer profitably, going over, 
 before God, the substance of the things I meant to say 
 to-night, praying to have them wrought into my own 
 heart. Just before I began, the desire of my heart to God 
 was, that I might speak with exceeding tenderness and 
 spirituality. When I went away, my mind was calm, 
 and thankful, and fit for other service. 
 
 30. With much painful conviction of my constant 
 unprofitableness, I had sometimes drawings of heart 
 towards God. This morning, read Hindoostanee gram- 
 mar, and meditated on a subject ; heard a sermon at 
 St. Mary's ; read and prayed over the three first chapters 
 ofEphesians, with some comfort and spirituality. In my 
 walk, meditated still on sermon. Dined at Mr. Bates' 
 with Mr. Simeon, &c. serious and collected on going 
 amongst them, though I had no opportunity for prayer 
 before. The conversation there was agreeable and 
 spiritual, and I thought myself in pretty good order, but 
 on recollecting the pride and vanity, the want of love 
 and every thing good, I have every reason to abhor 
 myself in dust and ashes. Mr. Simeon told me on. 
 going away, that he supposed I should not go for nine 
 or ten weeks ; this rather displeased me. I cried to 
 God for deliverance from my discontented, unholy spirit, 
 and obtained some relief. Read Ephesians with some 
 comfort, with Grotius, but most of the time thinking on 
 1 Cor. xxiii. 24. How many tempers like the Devil 
 have I ! particularly pride, thinking w^ell of myself, in 
 spite of the clearest convictions of reason and experience ; 
 and such petulance ; it is w^ell if God through his mercy 
 break my proud self-will by contradiction ; I am con- 
 strained to acknowledge the greatness of his patience 
 with such a wretched creature. 
 
224 JOURNAL. [1805 
 
 3 1 . After passing the first part of the morning in 
 prayer, with first of Philippians I sat with Mr. Simeon 
 conversing on chap. i. 23, 24. Finding myself in great 
 stupidity, I took up the Hindoostanee grammar, that 
 the time might not pass away without any profit. While 
 walking, my soul longed after conformity to God, and 
 to be helped to do something in his service. Deter- 
 mined with myself, if nothing prevented, to devote 
 to-morrow to prayer; the prospect sweetened my soul 
 a little. Thought a long while at night on 1 Cor. i. 
 23, 24. but could not begin to write. I am miserable 
 while I see the time hasting away and nothing of it 
 redeemed. 
 
 Feb. 1 . Was much at a loss this morning to know 
 w^hether I ought to devote this day to prayer or not. 
 I felt disposed to the former, but considered that it would 
 be impossible to prepare a sermon for Trinity as I had 
 promised. Read and prayed with Phil. ii. and iii. with 
 profit. Oh, God's word is precious to me at this time. 
 Wrote alittle on 1 Cor. i. 23, 24. with great slowness and 
 difficulty. In prayer after dinner, my heart, which had 
 been quite wandering, was restored to a spirit of serious- 
 ness, and a desire to be employed w^ith some efi'ect in 
 the work of the ministry. Went to C, and sat with 
 him an hour. In prayer in one part of it, the Spirit of 
 God seemed to breathe on my soul, in an especial man- 
 ner, as I have experienced it a few times of my life. 
 After being with pupil, went to a class and spoke on 
 Job xxvii. 8 — 10. O let me not be found a praying 
 and preaching hypocrite at the last. They seemed to 
 be much afi'ected. 
 
 2. Again had the painful reflection of having wasted 
 time in bed, through indulgence to the flesh. God is 
 still mercifully pleased to send down his Holy Spirit, 
 notwithstanding my poor prayers to him. Read Judges 
 and Colossians. Walked with B. with myspirit alittle 
 more guarded than usual. I came with grief and shame 
 to the throne of grace, confessing how much time I 
 could find for comparative trifles, such as sleeping, walk- 
 
1805] JOURNAL. 225 
 
 ing, reading newspapers, and yet so little time for God. 
 My soul was a little restored. I longed, as in most of 
 the prayers at night of late, that I could entirely forget 
 this world, the things of which do so constantly turn 
 away my thoughts from God. Continued writing most 
 of the evening, but interrupted by a long train of reflec- 
 tions on my solitary tour in Wales, and the sort of life 
 which awaits me. The flesh shrinks at times, but I do 
 not regret having resigned the world. No, far from it. 
 Life is but a short journey, a little day, and then if I be 
 faithful unto death my gracious reward will begin. 
 
 4. Kept stricter watch over my spirit this day in 
 general, and found the benefit of it. Found the presence 
 of God in prayer this morning composing my mind into 
 seriousness and solemnity. I tried for some time 
 to drive away all levity in my frame as soon as it 
 appeared, and to seek for the unction of the Holy One. 
 Was exceedingly delighted with a sermon on sanctuary 
 blessings, in the ' American Preacher.' Here again I 
 found it necessary to repress such lively feelings, and by 
 that means tasted a purer joy. Wrote a very little on 
 1 Cor. i. 23, 24. In my walk I was helped to keep my 
 mind in sobriety and regard to God, though amid many 
 temptations to the contrary. I thought I observed some 
 contemptuous disregard tow^ards me to-day. It was 
 comfortable to reflect, that it was for the name of Christ. 
 In the afternoon catechised the children. About to be 
 dispirited at my constant backslidings, but for a clear 
 and heart-reviving view of the fulness of grace, which is 
 in Christ ; to him I came, and found refreshment and 
 strength. 
 
 5. C. stayed so late this morning, that I had no 
 time except to write a letter. I was enabled, however, 
 to stay upon God by faith, feeling assured he would keep 
 my soul in peace, and instruct me how to perform my 
 public duties. In my walk endeavoured to think on a 
 subject for the evening, as also at dinner-time. I spoke 
 on the latter part of 2 Thess. xi. but though I had 
 tolerable fluencv, had none of that unction which much 
 
 Q 
 
226 JOURNAL. [1805 
 
 communion with God produces. So in prayer, I had 
 much power, but I am persuaded it was entirely animal, 
 for I had no clear views of God's excellency ; did not 
 rise more humbled, but just the contrary, nor with my 
 soul breathing after holiness, for I was disposed to be as 
 light as before ; till at last a great sense of guilt arose 
 in my mind, on account of the little solemn impression 
 left by the late religious exercise. Was again disposed 
 to dejection and departure from God, but I have learnt 
 where my strength lieth. I know that my necessities 
 should only lead me to Jesus, who never turns away 
 those who come to him for help. 
 
 6. Collected passages from the prophets, predictive 
 of the future glory of the church; but not having any 
 specific subject to meditate on, my thoughts went much 
 astray, and I was more uncomfortable than when my 
 mind v^as oppressed by excess of care. In the evening 
 I found my soul in great need of deliverance from a 
 lukewarm state, and by prayer was brought to more 
 serious self-recollection. Alas ! so much communication 
 with men is very prejudicial to me, for I cannot enjoy 
 God without more solitude, and oh, how wretched is the 
 best society when the mind is unfitted for God. Were 
 I to stay any time longer at the university, I should be 
 bound by conscience and inclination to refuse invitations 
 of this sort. Alas ! how much more profitably might 
 all this precious time be spent, either in prayer, or study, 
 or visiting some poor souls. I recollected among the 
 sins of this day, having neglected an opportunity of 
 conversation with a man whom I met on the road, 
 merely through disinclination. How vain is all my 
 supposed delight in the glory of the church, if I do not 
 exert myself for individual souls. Learnt that a man- 
 date might very likely be procured for me, for taking a 
 B. D. degree ; this would require the agreement of all 
 the heads, and then a grace to pass the senate, before 
 the petition could be presented to the King : all which 
 will tend to give a publicity to my affair, which would 
 be a trial to me. But while my God vouchsafes his 
 
1805] JOURNAL. 227 
 
 grace to my soul, by which I can in prayer rise far be- 
 yond the confusion of worldly things, I need not much 
 fear the influence of distracting vanities. 
 
 8. Began my farewell sermon, and wrote till the 
 time of walking, and was engaged in the subject 
 with my mind at peace. In the afternoon, for want 
 of more prayer and solitude, my conversation with my 
 pupil was vain and inconsistent with the gravity and 
 sweetness of the gospel. Afterwards, I came to God, 
 having no plea but his own mercy in Christ, and found 
 the Lord to be gracious, plenteous in goodness and 
 truth, for he restored my soul in a good measure. The 
 subject of God's promises respecting the future glory of 
 the church, on w^hich I was at work, was exceedingly 
 animating to me, I left off very unwillingly at a late 
 hour, and longed to prosecute the subject on the mor- 
 row. I cannot imagine to myself how things could be 
 differently ordered, so as to be more for God's glory, or 
 more delightful to my soul. The nature of his pro- 
 mises, and the language in which they are expressed, are 
 all such as I should suppose worthy of God, and are 
 certainly more agreeable to my mind than I can think 
 they would otherwise be. 
 
 9. An unhappy day to me for want of more solitude 
 and prayer. I cannot live one happy hour without 
 more or less communion with my God. What is this 
 world, what is religious company, what is any thing to 
 me without God ? They become a bustle and a crowd 
 when I lose sight of him. The most dreary wilderness 
 would appear paradise with a little of his presence. 
 How I long to be left alone, that my thoughts might 
 wait upon God without any distraction. Began the day 
 with tolerable comfort, both in reading, prayer, and 
 writing. But from twelve to twelve at night, was 
 scarcely at all alone. Was unexpectedly obliged to go 
 
 to C , at supper, without having time to prepare my 
 
 soul by prayer, and the consequence was, as was to be 
 expected, w^hen I might have attempted to give the con- 
 versation a religious turn, I felt a foolish and sinful fear 
 
 Q 2 
 
228 JOURNAL. 1805] 
 
 of giving offence. The conversation was literary. Came . 
 away with much pain. 
 
 10. C continued with me till three quarters of 
 
 an hour before church, which time I spent principally in 
 prayer, of which indeed I stood greatly in need. After 
 dinner, feeling much dejection, went to prayer; at first 
 in great darkness, but soon the Lord poured out his 
 Spirit in rich abundance, and brought light, and joy, 
 and comfort into my soul. There is nothing in the 
 weak words we can use, so astonishingly to change the 
 frame of the heart, but God fulfils his promises of being 
 found of those that seek him. At church in the after- 
 noon, my heart at times was full. The kind expression 
 of Christian regard I received from a young person who 
 was leaving Cambridge, and expected to see me no more, 
 was very pleasing to me. 
 
 1 1 . Another unprofitable day. Oh the misery of so 
 much conversation with creatures. I would rather be 
 buried for ever from the sight of man in a wilderness, 
 than to be constantly with him. Heb. i. and ii. was 
 my portion this morning ; the rest of the morning was 
 spent in calls. After dinner, catechized the children 
 two hours and a quarter; from them to my pupil ; then C. 
 came and staid till ten o'clock. In great vexation I tried 
 till midnight to get something done, but wrote very little. 
 
 12. Breakfasted with C , but my mind, was so 
 
 uneasy for want of spiritual duties, that I could not say 
 any thing at all. Afterwards on reading Hebrews, and 
 prayer, my peace and comfort returned. I endeavoured 
 to put myself simply into the hands of God, prayed that I 
 might be taught of the Spirit to feed the church of God. 
 
 C stayed with me again ; he has been a great trial 
 
 to my mind since he has been here, but how foolish am 
 I to be deprived of my peace of mind by the presence of 
 another ; no one can hinder the range of the spirit. 
 Oh, may it ever dwell near my God. Oh, may the 
 Lord help me steadily to enjoy that peace which passeth 
 all understanding. 
 
 13. I sought of God in prayer a spiritual frame, and 
 
1805] JOURNAL. 229 
 
 particularly desired I might not use the word of God 
 deceitfully, enthusiastically, or hypocritically this even- 
 ing, as I felt myself in danger of doing. The Lord 
 mercifully poured out upon me a spirit of prayer and 
 supplication at this time, so that I continued nearly an 
 hour in fervent supplication, chiefly in a contrite sense 
 of my shameful lukewarmness, and hardness of heart 
 
 towards Christ ; talked with a long time, about 
 
 the glory of the Christian warfare ; with great con- 
 ceit, as I perceived afterwards by my distance from God. 
 Yet he mercifully restored me to a more self-abasing 
 spirit. The rest of the evening I wrote pretty freely a 
 sermon for to-morrow night. Blessed be God for ena- 
 bling me to do any thing at all for his glory. 
 
 14. With some elevation of spirit above the vain world, 
 I preached on 1 Cor. i. 23, 24, but felt not very well sat- 
 isfied afterwards. I was afraid it was not plain enough for 
 the poor people, and that my sermons were little to the 
 heart, and too much in generals. After supper found 
 great comfort in approaching to God in prayer, and a 
 sweet return of precious thoughts of eternity. Oh, why 
 am I not more a man of prayer? How the Lord 
 encourages me to pray, by soon giving me his presence, 
 when I have been seeking him but a very little. 
 
 15. Passed the evening in conversation about the 
 mission, and the nature of the difficulties I should meet 
 with on board the ship. But none of these things 
 move me at present. 
 
 16. The last unprofitable day of an unprofitable 
 week. Almost the whole morning was broken up, and 
 in private duties I was little comforted ; but it is not 
 fervour that will keep the soul alive, without long and 
 continued communion with God. After dinner had 
 much seriousness in prayer, and wished for nothing but 
 to be doing the work of Christ, and went in this frame 
 to visit the woman and her son. The room was so 
 exceedingly offensive, that I could scarcely endure it 
 for an instant, yet by care I was able to continue for 
 about half an hour. 
 
230 JOURNAL. [1805 
 
 I felt at times this evening a dislike to all God's 
 work. I was vexed with my miserable self, and discon- 
 tented with every thing that lay in futurity. But in prayer 
 I cried to God to be delivered from my worldly, luke- 
 warm, and idle state, and I rose more humble. My 
 very soul groans at such a life ; nothing done for God 
 
 or my soul to any good purpose. C told me I 
 
 was far above the comprehension of people in general. 
 Nothing pains and grieves me more than this, for 1 had 
 rather be a preacher of the gospel among the poor, and 
 to the poor, so as to be understood by them, than be 
 any thing else upon earth. Would to God my soul 
 were quite dead to this wretched world, the outward 
 things of which do continually plague and distract me. 
 
 17. (Sunday.) Somewhat oppressed this morning, 
 from a sense of my unfitness and unacceptableness to a 
 poor congregation. However, I was in no great danger 
 from a vain wandering mind, for I felt base, and worth- 
 less, and unfit to be among God's people. It was suit- 
 able, and comfortable to me, to read the penitential 
 sentences at the beginning. 
 
 Preached at Lolworth on 1 Cor. i. 23, 24, and my 
 heart towards the last was filled with the truest fervour. 
 When I began to say, "And we now preach to you 
 Christ crucified," and to exhort them to come to him, the 
 Spirit seemed to fill my heart ; I never felt a stronger 
 conviction of the truth of the gospel. The people were 
 very attentive. Called on the sick woman, and prayed 
 by her ; my heart was joyful in my ride home. At 
 church in the evening, at the first hymn was affected to 
 tears, with a sense of God's love, and the happiness I 
 enjoyed in his favour, and so in a less degree the rest of 
 the service. 
 
 18. My birthday ; but I have been able to make few 
 profitable reflections on it. Morning prayer brought 
 me to seriousness and steadiness ; meditation and prayer 
 on Heb. xi. were delightful to me. After dinner cate- 
 chized children. At night the Lord mercifully assisted 
 me much in my studies. Especially in preparing to 
 
1805] JOURNAL. 231 
 
 speak on Hebrews iv. 3, and Rev. xxii. 11. Yet this 
 heart is vain, and proud, and alas, it is not near to 
 God. But let me praise his holy name, for having 
 brought me to the end of my 24th year in safety. 
 May the world never have occasion to mourn at my 
 birth-day. 
 
 19. Passed the morning in reading, prayer, and 
 meditation, on Heb. ii. 3, and Rev. xxii. 11, with my 
 mind generally impressed wdth a solemn sense of duty. 
 In my walk, w^as thinking wdth great sallies of joy and 
 delight, on the glorious work which lay before me, of 
 carrying happiness to the benighted heathen. But I 
 endeavoured to moderate the outw^ard expressions of 
 joy, that it might be more pure and lasting. After 
 dinner I sought to solemnize my mind by prayer, 
 and passed half an hour in the exercise. Read and 
 prayed with my bed-maker at night. O my soul, be 
 more serious and holy. The work of God is my busi- 
 ness, and the more I attend to it, the more easy and 
 satisfying it is to me. 
 
 20. Rose early, and found it long before my mind 
 was solemnized to any seriousness in prayer. At length 
 however it was, and I felt some sobriety of spirit. 
 
 21. Walked to Drayton, about five miles off, to 
 see a woman who attends Lolworth church. On the 
 road I had little of the presence of God, but was kept 
 from wandering farther, by learning some Scripture by 
 
 heart. After dinner visited . I tried to keep near to 
 
 God by continual ejaculations to him, as I went along 
 the streets, but nothing can make up for the w^ant of 
 stated prayer. In the evening, after my heart had been 
 going farther still from God, so .that I could not read, 
 I betook myself to prayer when alone, and oh, how 
 great is the mercy that the Lord lets me come nigh him 
 by an ordinance so simple. How wonderful that it 
 should be made the means of bringing me to that 
 spirituality and peace w^hich the utmost efforts of reason 
 could not do without it. The rest of the evening wrote 
 a farewell sermon. 
 
232 JOURNAL. [1805 
 
 22. Being excessively tempted to worldliness, I 
 found blessed help in prayer, so that with my pupil, my 
 deportment was serious and Christian beyond my expec- 
 tations all the rest of the evening ; a great many hours 
 I spent in considering what is meant by the presence of 
 God, yet went to bed not much dissatisfied. 
 
 23. Employed in writing on Rev. iii. 20 : 1st Epistle 
 of Peter was still very profitable to my soul. Having 
 had occasion to think on death as near, from having 
 an oppression on my lungs, I could repose with 
 a solemn quietness on the blessed God. In my walk 
 felt some tenderness in my heart for souls. How easy I 
 thought, and pleasant is the exercise of my ministry, to 
 what it might be and will be hereafter. 
 
 24. (Sunday.) Riding home fi'om Lolworth, I was 
 enabled to be in prayer much of the time. I was 
 labouring to feel an entire indifference to all created 
 comforts, even to be contented to be without the ordi- 
 nances. I wanted to feel myself as having nothing on 
 earth to do but to work for God, and as having to 
 expect no comfort but communion with God. I endea- 
 voured to realize my future life as a missionary, to ask 
 whether I could be satisfied at resigning for ever all 
 pleasing society, to roam about a desert looking for 
 people to preach to, and to wait upon them, patiently 
 enduring their scorn and ill treatment. My heart did 
 not at all shrink from it, but on the contrary, improved 
 and embraced it. It has been in general a blessed day. 
 Read and prayed with H at night. 
 
 25 . Rose with my mind uncomfortable and unbeliev- 
 ing, but by prayer recovered a little of heavenly-min- 
 dedness and resignation. The whole morning passed 
 away in business, in which God mercifully kept me in 
 great calmness and unconcern about worldly things. 
 Called on Dr. Milner, the Master, and Cotton, about 
 the Mandate Degree, as the heads were to meet 
 to-day. Drew up a skeleton for this evening, and 
 walked a little in the court in great tranquillity of rnind. 
 After dinner catechized the children, and presently after, 
 
1805] JOURNAL. 233 
 
 went to tea at P.*s Read the latter part of Acts viii. 
 On my taking occasion from Philip's seeing the 
 Eunuch no more, to speak of my short fellowship, some 
 were in tears. Much of the rest of the evening passed 
 in reading Hindoostanee, during which time I wounded 
 my conscience by not approaching God in prayer, 
 which I foolishly delayed to a later hour. Oh, why do 
 I suifer my heart to stay away a moment from God, the 
 fountain of living waters : why do I not fear him who 
 hath power to cast both soul and body into hell ? How 
 much do I want to have the fear of God before my 
 eyes. 
 
 26. Had intended to devote this morning to prayer, 
 but this mandate business kept me out of doors all the 
 time. Began to meditate after breakfast, on Heb. xi. 
 13 — 16, with some pleasure, as it has generally been a 
 blessed subject, but I made little advance. Called on 
 the Master, the Registrar, the Vice- Chancellor ; in my 
 
 walk met , and continued with him till dinner. 
 
 My heart burned with pain and vexation at his perni- 
 cious errors. I talked very plainly, and with a full 
 heart, of the freeness of the gospel salvation. I pray 
 God he may be enlightened to perceive it. Though I 
 was very warm, I said nothing that I am aware of that 
 could oifend him, or that appeared to do it. In the 
 afternoon went to see a poor young woman, who, after 
 a life of sin, appears to be now in a dying state, though 
 only seventeen ; she was in too much pain to attend to 
 me much, and so I withdrew, affected almost to tears, 
 partly from pity to her, but more from a sense of the 
 grace of God, and the preciousness of that gospel com- 
 mitted to my trust. With my pupil in our worldly 
 studies, I had that same turn of mind I so often fall 
 into with him ; a quarter of an hour's prayer after this, 
 hardly restored my mind to a proper tone, yet when I 
 went at the appointed hour to the same poor creature, 
 it was with some inward tenderness. A lady, ignorant 
 of the true way of salvation, was with her all the while 
 I was there, and so I could only explain the way to 
 
234 JOURNAL. [1805 
 
 Christ so as to suit both, without any thing particular to 
 her. 
 
 27. Nothing will compensate for the want of close 
 walking with God, and private fervent prayer. After 
 an hour with my pupil, I supped with him, and was much 
 enlivened and cheered by Christian company, yet my 
 soul thirsteth after the living God. At night in prayer^-i 
 I had much tenderness and contrition of spirit ; how I 
 longed to have it always as I ought : I groaned because 
 I was in a body which kept my soul from God, and 
 constantly hurried my thoughts from him to earth. 
 Went to bed with fervent desires for grace and deliver- 
 ance from the bondage of corruption. 
 
 28. The whole of the morning I was employed in 
 calling on the Master, and Cotton, and assembling the 
 seniors, who consented to let my grace come before the 
 senate. I was a long time in the senate-house, and was 
 about to have my grace read before the dissolution of 
 the congregation, when most of the caput objected to 
 the shortness of the notice. I thought it prudent to 
 withhold my grace, and give timely notice. Called 
 next on the public orator, who wanted a congregation 
 as well as myself. At last I got home, and after pass- 
 ing some time in prayer, got rid of earthly cares and 
 perplexities. Going out as I thought, to enjoy the pre- 
 sence of God, I met with , with whom I was 
 
 obliged to walk, his head so full of the senate-house 
 business, as to be incapable of attending to anything on 
 religion. It sometimes surprises me, that I am sent by 
 providence into situations where my thoughts are neces- 
 sarily called down to earth, without any good to myself 
 or others. But these things are for the trial of faith. 
 
 March 1. Was again sent for by the master, and 
 passed the whole morning in the same troublesome 
 application as before. Called next on the public orator, 
 but he not being at home, I lost a whole hour expecting 
 him. I received good to my soul, at the sight of a most 
 striking engraving of an angel, contemplating with 
 wonder the cross of Christ. This was before my mind 
 
1805] JOURNAL. 235 
 
 all the day. At last, after waiting in vain, I went to 
 the Vice-Chancellor, and could not obtain his permis- 
 sion to call a congregation ; though some of the 
 caput, whose objection had obliged me to defer the 
 grace, were perfectly satisfied when I called this morning. 
 He would not have opposed it, he said, had he known it 
 had been signed by so many of the heads ; this was a 
 sad oversight of his, he should have informed himself 
 of this, the consequence will probably be, that I shall 
 lose the degree or my fellowship. I felt some little disap- 
 pointment in the evening on recollecting it, but it soon 
 passed away, as I was not myself to blame. Walked 
 with B. ; our conversation not unprofitable ; he told me 
 of an objectionable part of my last sermon, and I felt 
 the force of his reproof, also of a fault in my usual 
 preaching ; these objections gave me pain, and I felt 
 unwilling to get up and preach ; but blessed be God who 
 giveth me counsel. 
 
 2. Found the presence of God at intervals this mor- 
 ning in prayer. After one part of the prayer, I could 
 not help reflecting on the deep devotion that came upon 
 me for a few" moments, while I declared I had rightfully 
 no other business each day but to do his will, as a ser- 
 vant constantly regarding his pleasure. In the afternoon 
 my heart had wandered ; I was unfit for prayer, but was 
 restored to it. 
 
 3. (Sunday.) Preached on Matt. vii. 13, 14, to a 
 large congregation, but though I was plain enough, 
 there was little impression on the people. Alas, do I 
 think that any good can be done without very fervent 
 prayer for their poor souls? In my ride home, I la- 
 boured to see the necessity of patient continuance in well 
 doing, and if even for many years I should see no fruit, 
 not to relax my labours. It was a comfort to me again, 
 to reflect that my business and pleasure were quite inde- 
 pendent of outward things. Though people should 
 despise my preaching, and God should leave his servant 
 without any seals to his ministry, yet still my great busi- 
 ness was not at all let, i. e. the sanctification of my own 
 
236 JOURNAL. [1805 
 
 soul. At night enjoyed much of the comfort of God in 
 my soul at church. The account of Mr. Wilberforce's 
 having lost the motion for the abolition of the Slave 
 Trade, together with reflections on the pride and sins of 
 this place, affected me deeply to night. I longed to 
 pour forth my complaint to God, and began with much 
 fervour, but was interrupted. Oh, our guilty land, 
 shall not God visit for these things, shall not God be 
 avenged on such a nation as this ? The pride, infi- 
 delity, and abominations of this land, seem to show it 
 ripe for destruction, so that I expect God will soon put 
 
 in his sickle and reap. Read and prayed with H 
 
 at night : Acts xx. was deeply affecting to me. 
 
 4. In morning prayer had a solemn season of reve- 
 rence and submission to God. I seemed to have no 
 wish in my heart, but that God may be glorified, as it 
 was a comfort to me to reflect that he will be glorified. 
 In my walk I prayed continually that I might be kept 
 by the power of God in a sedate and sober frame all the 
 remainder of the day, in which I should be engaged so 
 much outwardly. If people are not satisfied with my 
 conduct, I have nothing to do but to leave my record 
 with God, before whom, HE is witness, I desire to 
 walk with perfect strictness and uprightness. It is plain 
 from the observations of others, that I am grown more 
 proud. Oh, I long to have a time of humiliation, that 
 I may be able to abase myself in tears, on account of 
 the pride and hardness of my heart. 
 
 5. Passed much of the earlier part of the morning 
 in prayer, which I greatly needed, and enjoyed a solemn 
 and spiritual frame. After dinner again in prayer, and 
 was helped to be serious. Oh, how blessed is it to be 
 solemn and serious. A foretaste of the calm of heaven! 
 
 The rest of the afternoon was engaged with , and in 
 
 preparation for departure. 
 
 Preparation for leaving any place is very affecting ; 
 after a few more stages, the journey of life will be ended. 
 Amen. I feel attachment to the present scene, though 
 my mind is so continually distracted by it. 
 
1805] JOURNAL. 237 
 
 6. Went to London ; found it very difficult to pray- 
 er keep my mind right in the journey. I thought it my 
 duty to try and instruct the coachmen, as there was no 
 other person outside. One was a most furious and aban- 
 doned character ; he seemed a little affected and hum- 
 bled, but the more sober one had learned to affect 
 infidelity. Took up my abode in Brunswick Square. 
 
 7. After some difficulty attained somewhat of a 
 happy spiritual frame, finding the presence of God in 
 secret prayer. Stopped some time at the gate of St. 
 James's, to see the nobility go to court ; was much 
 affected with melancholy, at seeing such a glare of finery 
 on poor old shrivelled people, fit only to be shrouded in 
 a coffin. What a transition will take place at death! 
 
 Spent the evening at Mr. G 's, and recollected with 
 
 shame, that I had introduced no religious remark, 
 though I might have done it, and seemed more anxious 
 to please men than God. Came away full of grief and 
 shame, but this pain did not last long ; oh, the mercy 
 of God in not forsaking me entirely; though almost 
 overcome with fatigue and sleep at night ; I was helped 
 to be serious and devout in prayer. 
 
 8. Went to Dr. Gilchrist, and received some in- 
 structions from him respecting the pronunciation of 
 Hindoostanee. Afterwards went with Mr. Grant to the 
 India House ; he said he had no doubt I should be 
 nominated, but on account of the press of business, he 
 could not say when mine would be brought forward ; 
 time enough, however, he said, for me to go out by this 
 fleet. But I now begin to fear it will not be so. Left 
 Mr. G. in great dejection, yet striving to leave it wil- 
 lingly all with God. 
 
 9. The importance of my ministerial work was 
 much on my mind this afternoon, and the godly con- 
 versation of Mr. Bates on the subject much assisted 
 these thoughts. 
 
 10. (Sunday.) The want of sufficient private prayer 
 was very hurtful to my soul, and comfort ; arrived at 
 the Chapel Royal at St. James's, a quarter before eight, 
 
238 JOURNAL. [1805 
 
 according to our directions ; at eight the service began. 
 I found my hard heart melting a little at the confes- 
 sional parts, the sermon was preached by Dr. Judd, on 
 the importance of eternity, compared with time. I was 
 pleased and gratified with the solemnity of the subject, 
 and the thoughts. In the sacrament, which followed, 
 I had a little more love and tenderness than before ; 
 after this came the ordination, which on the whole was 
 rather a solemn ordinance to me, far more so than my 
 ordination at Ely, yet very little like what it ought to 
 be, through the levity and ignorance of my heart. 
 * Come holy spirit, heavenly dove,' &c. seemed to be 
 the prayer most answered. 
 
 Walked to St. John's Chapel, Bedford Row. Mr. 
 Cecil preached very w^ell on Jonah ii. 4. 
 
 In the course of the day, my soul enjoyed much of 
 God's presence, but unhappily my eyes wandered to 
 behold vanity ; with some self-denial, and pain, I deter- 
 mined to have nothing to do in thought with any idol, 
 or any thing that might hinder my work. At night felt 
 my body quite wasted with the fatigues of the day, but 
 not tired with the Lord's work. 
 
 12. Averse to morning prayer, through sinful 
 unwatchfulness over my thoughts, and yet through the 
 unceasing mercy of God, was restored to something of 
 a godly frame. Attended Dr. Gilchrist this morning, 
 with his classes, and read some Hindoostanee to him ; 
 on my return bought an iEschylus and Pindar, with 
 some hesitation, as fearing I might use the money to a 
 better purpose ; but I may hope that if ever I should 
 find it convenient to read the poets, the Lord will sanc- 
 tify these as he has done my other studies, to the 
 improvement of my mind, and my fulness for the public 
 duties of the ministry. In the afternoon read Hin- 
 doostanee ; Acts XX., and Thess v., were much blessed, 
 as they often are, to the spiritualizing of my mind. I 
 went to bed in a serious spirit, desiring very much that 
 I might rise in the same state the next morning. 
 
 13. In prayer had a sort of fervour, which was des- 
 
1805] JOURNAL. 239 
 
 titute of true spirituality. After breakfast for two or 
 three hours, read Hindoostanee ; by foolishly delaying 
 scriptural reading and prayer, I was called to be out 
 some hours without being refreshed and strengthened. 
 Went to God in great shame, and sense of misery as 
 soon as I got home, for all the levity and unprofitable- 
 ness of my conversation; this was beneficial to me, as I 
 was more near to God all the rest of the day. 
 
 14. Went down to Cambridge; on the road had 
 two or three seasons of prayer, with the presence of God ; 
 the latter part of the way I had an opportunity of de- 
 claring the awful truths of scripture, to some gay men 
 on the top of the coach. On my arrival, I felt happy 
 in communion with God. 
 
 15. Was very dull with a cold, and in prayer 
 seemed to get little good, but in looking up to God for 
 his sure mercy, that he would revive my soul, and keep 
 me near him, I found returning peace. After dinner, 
 sat with Mr. , with whom I had a long conversa- 
 tion. I explained my motives with all sincerity, but in 
 vain. So impossible is it to approve myself to men 
 universally ; but oh, while my record is on high, while I 
 desire the heart-searching God should be privy to my 
 thoughts, and direct my conduct, it matters little if men 
 
 condemn. sat with me some time ; I found less 
 
 satisfaction in his views than ever. His evil seems to 
 be, if any thing can be so called, an excess of charity ; 
 yet withal, he is deeply humble and serious ; and to his 
 direction, under God, I owe it, that I am not now a 
 worldling. We parted as for ever. God bless him, 
 and preserve him to his heavenly kingdom. 
 
 16. Went to London ; at times I was engaged in 
 prayer with some fervour, and then I was happy ; near- 
 ness to God diffused a sweet peace over my mind. But 
 the greater part of the time, slothfulness prevailed to 
 keep me from effectual fervent prayer. 
 
 17. (Sunday.) Left London, in order to get to 
 Ockham in time, so early, that I had not time for prayer 
 all the way there, twenty-five miles ; I was uneasy for 
 
240 JOURNAL. [1805 
 
 want of communion with God. Immediately after my 
 arrival, went to church, when I preached on 1 Tim. i. 
 15. The subject was soothing to my own disordered 
 spirit, and some old people there seemed much affected. 
 After church, I obtained a little time for prayer, but not 
 enough to attain to much spirituality. After dinner, 
 my soul drew near to God, and breathed freely forth to 
 him holy desires. 
 
 18. At night, in prayer, I longed to forget the 
 world, and to be swallowed up in entire devotion to 
 God, to live always unto him, and went to bed so happy 
 and peaceful in this frame, that I felt very sorry that 
 sleep would interrupt it, and would be likely to leave 
 me in a different state in the morning. 
 
 19. I prayed very earnestly that I might be kept 
 from that levity, into which I fell so repeatedly, in the 
 course of the day. Employed in Hindostanee till I 
 went to Gilchrist, from whom I returned rather dis- 
 couraged at my want of progress. I was jejune for 
 want of reading and prayer, but the Lord helped me to 
 check and restrain the babbling tongue. Found the 
 presence of God again, both before and after dinner, in 
 prayer, but this seems to me to be merely keeping my 
 ground without advancing. O may the Lord keep me 
 safe, amid the dangers which surround me. I must 
 have double watchfulness to employ my time and 
 thoughts well, now I am drawn from college retirement. 
 
 20. Was depressed in spirit, at my lukewarmness 
 and unprofitableness. Walked out into the city with 
 tolerable peace of mind, leaving it with the Lord to help 
 and instruct his wretched creature in holy things, in 
 which my shallow knowledge might well make me to be 
 ashamed, and tremble to try to teach others. Most of 
 the rest of the evening 1 was writing more freely; and 
 one half hour particularly, my spirit got disentangled 
 from its sin and misery, and enjoyed the presence of 
 God in prayer. 
 
 21. Read Hindoostanee, till I went to Gilchrist, 
 where I continued till one. On my mentioning to 
 
1805] JOURNAL. 241 
 
 Gilchrist my desire of translating some of the scriptures 
 with him, he advised me by all means to desist, till I 
 knew much more of the language, by having resided 
 some years in the country. He said it was the rock on 
 which missions had split, that they had attempted to 
 write and preach, before they knew the language. The 
 Lord's prayer, he said, was now a common subject of 
 ridicule with the people, on account of the manner in 
 which it had been translated. All these are useful hints 
 to me. 
 
 22. Both in private, and especially in family prayer, 
 I was solemn and serious. Meditation on Acts xx. 
 seemed to form my mind to blessed spirituality. Read 
 Benson's ' Life of Mr. Fletcher,' and seemed to enter a 
 little into the spirit of that extraordinary man, which I 
 did not, scarcely at all, when I last read an account of 
 him. I longed that all the powers of the soul might be 
 
 awakened to praise and adore God. Called on , 
 
 and felt much hurt at his late neglect ; a sense of un- 
 kindness pained me. Why do I look even to saints for 
 my happiness ; they are able to wound the feelings of 
 their brethren even as others. But there is one who 
 sticketh closer than a brother. Oh that I may love 
 Christ more ! What can the world give me in com- 
 parison of him ! while I have him for my friend and 
 portion, and a bright eternity in view, let me be con- 
 tented to be slighted, scorned, and cast out by all men. 
 
 23. My thoughts were far from being spiritual, yet 
 from fatigue, with so much intercourse with the world, 
 and so little with God, my spirit rose easily, without 
 effort almost, to heaven, seeking repose. 
 
 24. At home, it pleased God, in the riches of his 
 grace, to manifest his love to me, the chief of sinners, 
 in private prayer ; so gracious is God in his ways, and 
 sovereign in all he does. When I could least of all have 
 expected it for my unprofitableness, then he visited my 
 soul. Oh how shall this soul ever acknowledge the 
 mercy, the astonishing grace of God I 
 
 25. Came to London bv the coach. Through the 
 
 R 
 
242 JOURNAL. [1805 
 
 cold, keeping my body in an uncomfortable state, I was 
 little disposed to stir myself to communion with God. 
 But alas, this is little of exercise for a missionary life. 
 
 26. Rose earlier than of late, and in prayer was able 
 to feel somewhat of my misery and corruption, by na- 
 ture and practice. Oh the perfect, the unceasing, the 
 undeviating service, that ought to be rendered to God ! 
 but I am doing scarcely any thing. 
 
 27. Trifled a good deal to-day. Oh how do I long 
 for a right state, when my soul shall for ever glorify 
 God in the perfection of holiness. May the Lord mer- 
 cifully pour out his Spirit on me, that I may weep for 
 myself, and the people round me, and be able to leave 
 the distracting vanities, which unfit my mind for pro- 
 fitable exercises, to live in unceasing communion with 
 God. 
 
 29. Walked with B in a vain, trifling, uneasy 
 
 frame. But I could not stay in this frame long, and 
 found the benefit of prayer in delivering me from it. 
 Endeavoured to prepare myself by communion with 
 God for the company I was going into. Dined at O.'s, 
 to meet Sir William Young. After dinner I had a good 
 
 deal of conversation with , and had an opportunity 
 
 of declaring many important religious truths. Yet I 
 came away grieved, as I could not but be, at the slug- 
 gishness and want of zeal in me, as well as at the 
 general infidelity and scorn of religion in the higher 
 circles of society. At night, found the evil consequences 
 of such a life as I have been leading of late, and the 
 general want of solitude ; for there was a manifest 
 strangeness in my thoughts to eternal things ; but 
 through the rich mercy of God, my heart is heavenward. 
 The more I see of grandeur, the more I am disgusted 
 with it ; I cannot help shuddering at their neglect of 
 God, and scorn of the gospel. For any thing I have 
 seen yet, in this world, I would prefer all the hardships 
 of the missionary life, to all its pleasures. 
 
 30. The whole morning passed away in going to 
 difl'erent places, but I have seldom enjoyed more richly 
 
1805] JOURNAL. 243 
 
 the presence of God. The words, " Blessed are the 
 pure in heart, for they shall see God," were continually 
 on my mind. I was conscious I knew little or nothing 
 of this sight of God, and yet it was certain that if my 
 heart were pure, I should experience the blessedness of 
 it. I did strive a little against the impurity of my 
 heart, by excluding improper thoughts. 
 
 To keep the heart clean is a hard matter indeed, 
 and what I know very little about ; it requires more 
 labour, care, and self-denial, than my flesh can easily 
 submit to. 
 
 In the evening was preparing some sermons for 
 to-morrow. Oh that I may, according to my prayer, 
 never trifle with the awful work of addressing men's 
 souls, nor preach the grace of the gospel only to excite 
 a transient pleasure in people, but in the humble hope 
 that God will glorify himself, by applying it to the con- 
 version of sinners. Oh that I could forget self entirely, 
 and give all honour and glory to God, even as I hope to 
 do in heaven. 
 
 31. In the interval between morning and afternoon 
 service, I prayed and prepared myself a little ; but the 
 world, and a regard to the opinions of people, seemed 
 to bind down my miserable spirit. Read and preached 
 in the afternoon, on John iv. 10. Mr. Cecil said a 
 great deal to me on the necessity of gaining the atten- 
 tion of the people, of preaching with more warmth and 
 earnestness. I feel wounded a little, at finding myself 
 to have failed in so many things, yet I succeeded in 
 coming down to the dust, and received gladly the kind 
 advice of wise friends. At night I was rather discou- 
 raged, thinking I should do no better, yet my soul had 
 more of the holy presence of God, and I went into the 
 pulpit with composure, and more concern for immortal 
 souls than in general ; I preached to a very large audi- 
 ence on 2 Cor. v. 20, 21 : there was great attention. 
 
 What danger am I in from public ministrations ! Oh 
 that I could still be alone in private with God, even 
 when speaking in public. 
 
 R 2 
 
244 JOURNAL. [1805 
 
 April 1. Had much solemnity brought on, seem- 
 ingly by repeating the xxth of Acts, as soon as I awoke. 
 The effect of that passage is truly astonishing. I had 
 intended to devote this morning to prayer, but I went 
 out after breakfast, and was absent six hours about my 
 business. Went to Lord Hawkesbury's office, but being 
 too early, I went into St. James's Park, and sat down 
 on a bench to read my Bible. After a little time a 
 person came and sat on the same bench ; on entering 
 into conversation with him, I found he had known 
 better days ; he was about seventy years of age, and of 
 a very passionate and disappointed spirit. He spoke 
 sensibly on several subjects, and was acquainted with 
 the gospel, but was offended at my reminding him of 
 several things concerning it. On my offering him some 
 money, which I saw he needed, he confessed his poverty; 
 he w^as thankful for my little donation, and I repeated 
 my advice of seeking divine consolations. 
 
 2. Breakfasted with . Our conversation was 
 
 on the most delightful subject to me, the spread of the 
 gospel in future ages. I went away animated and 
 happy. Went with Mr. G. towards the India House. 
 He said that he was that dav about to take the neces- 
 sary steps for bringing forward the business of the chap- 
 lains, and that by to-morrow night I should know 
 whether I could go or not. In prayer at night, my soul 
 panted after God, and longed to be entirely conformed 
 to his image. 
 
 3. After dinner passed some time in prayer, and 
 rejoiced to think that God would finally glorify himself, 
 whatever hindrance may arise for a time ; going to Mr. 
 Grant's, I found that the chaplaincies had been agreed 
 to, after two hour's debate, and some obloquy thrown 
 upon Mr. Grant by the chairman, for his connexion 
 with Mr. Wilberforce, and those people. Mr. G. said 
 that though my nomination had not taken place, the 
 case was now beyond danger, and that I should appear 
 before the court in a couple of days in my canonicals. I 
 felt very indignant at this, not so much I think from 
 
1805] JOURNAL. 245 
 
 personal pride, as on account of the degradation of my 
 office. Mr. G. pleasantly said, I must attend to my 
 appearance, as I should be much remarked, on account 
 of the person who had nominated me. I feel this will be 
 a trial to me, which I would never submit to for gain, 
 but I rejoice that it will be for my dear and blessed Lord. 
 4. Went down to Cambridge ; by being stirred up 
 every now and then to meditate and pray, I was enabled 
 to pass the hours of travelling with contentment. At 
 night was at church, w^hen almost for the first time, I 
 observed Mr. Simeon's manner, and conceived great 
 admiration of him as a preacher ; supped with him 
 alone afterwards, he prayed before I went away, and my 
 heart was solemnly affected. 
 
 6. Passed most of the morning in the fellows' gar- 
 den, it was the last time I visited this favourite retreat, 
 where I have often enjoyed the presence of God. 
 
 7. (Sunday.) Preached at Lolworth on Prov. xxii. 
 17 ; very few seemed affected at my leaving them, and 
 those chiefly women. An old farmer of a neighbouring 
 parish, as he was taking leave of me, turned aside to 
 shed tears ; this affected me more than any thing. Rode 
 away with my heart heavy, partly at my own corruption, 
 partly at the thoughts of leaving this place in such gene- 
 ral hardness of heart. Yet so it hath pleased God, I 
 hope, to reserve them for a more faithful minister ; 
 prayed over the w^hole of my sermon for the evening, 
 and when I came to preach it, God assisted me beyond 
 my hopes ; most of the younger people seemed to be in 
 tears, the text was 2 Sam. vii. 28, 29. Took leave of 
 Dr. Milner, he was much affected, and said himself his 
 heart was full. Mr. Simeon commended me to God in 
 prayer, in w^hich he pleaded among other things, for a 
 richer blessing on my soul. He perceives that I want 
 it, and so do I. Professor Parish walked home with 
 me to the college gate, and there I parted from him, 
 with no small sorrow. 
 
 8. My young friends in the university who have 
 scarcely left me a moment to myself, were with me this 
 
246 JOURNAL. [1805 
 
 morning as soon as I was moving, leaving me no time 
 for prayer. My mind v^^as very solemn, and I v^ished 
 much to be left alone. A great many accompanied me 
 to the coach, which took me up at the end of the town ; 
 it was a thick misty morning, so the university, with its 
 towers and spires, was out of sight in an instant. 
 Arrived in town late. 
 
 10. Grieved at night that I could not serve God 
 better. O Lord, have mercy on thy creature; stir him 
 up to live by faith, to fight the good fight of faith, to be 
 diligent in pleading with God for his grace, and using 
 the means of improvement. 
 
 12. Rose early, as it was Good Friday, and passed 
 above an hour in prayer with great benefit. I was led to 
 pray for humility, and a tender spirit, which God gave ; 
 thus I find every degree of diligence is rewarded. Many 
 little slights to-day, and the consequences of my own 
 ignorance tended to humble me, and I desired it should 
 be so, for in no state is my soul so safe and happy. 
 
 15. I grieved that I have never served God in any 
 manner, that might not cover me with confusion, and 
 do desire that God's service may be my all in all for 
 ever. I have a promise, that they who seek shall find, 
 that though I cannot have my faculties altered, and in 
 that respect must remain inferior to many, yet in piety 
 I may grow richly and largely, and without any bounds. 
 Oh that I was in earnest for eternity ! oh, may God 
 confirm my feeble resolution. 
 
 17. I continued in prayer nearly an hour; my folly 
 and lukewarmness were brought home to my view, and 
 I was grieved at thinking how the people of God might 
 have been encouraged in carelessness, by seeing me, 
 honoured with the name of a missionary, so carnal. 
 Oh, may I, according to my prayer, be kept holy during 
 my few days in England, and then go forth to be more 
 alone with God than ever. With the fear of God, and 
 a broken spirit, all things are in right order in my mind ; 
 may that be my state for ever. 
 
 18. Chiefly engaged in writing ; the middle of the 
 
1805] JOURNAL. 247 
 
 day was with Mr. B. in the west end of town, and Hyde 
 Park. The sight of the vain splendour of carriages, 
 dress, &c. raised solemn thoughts. 
 
 22. Walked a good while with S ; the great 
 
 difference in his worldly circumstances and mine, led to 
 many reflections, which at first rather depressed me, not 
 because I wished to change my condition, but because 
 others seemed to pity me, and so I thought oftentime it 
 was a state of little comfort ; but is it not more happy 
 and glorious to live, to do as much as possible for God, 
 than to sit down to please myself? " Blessed are the 
 pure in heart," &c. was an occasion of some delight to 
 my soul, as I went along the streets. 
 
 23. Went to Mr. Cecil's this morning, and received 
 some instructions from him, on the manner of writing 
 to effect ; soon after met with Mr. Grant, and felt much 
 affected with his kindness. 
 
 24. Keenly disappointed at finding no letter from 
 Lydia ; thus it pleases God in the riches of his grace, to 
 quash at once all my beginnings of entanglement. Oh 
 may it be to make me more entirely his own. '' The 
 Lord shall be the portion of mine inheritance, and of my 
 cup." Oh may I live indeed a more spiritual life of 
 faith ! Prayed that I might obtain a more deep ac- 
 quaintance with the mysteries of the gospel, and the 
 offices of Christ ; my soul was solemnized. Went to 
 Russel Square, and found from Mr. Grant that I was 
 that day appointed a chaplain to the East India Com- 
 pany ; but that my particular destination would depend 
 on the government in India ; rather may I say that it 
 depends on the will of my God, who in his own time 
 thus brings things to pass. Oh now let my heart be 
 spiritualized ; that the glorious and arduous work before 
 me, may fill all my soul, and stir me up to prayer. 
 
 25 . Breakfasted with the venerable Mr. Newton, who 
 made several striking remarks in reference to my work. 
 He said he had heard of a clever gardener, who would 
 sow the seeds when the meat was put down to roast, 
 and engage to produce a salad by the time it was ready. 
 
248 JOURNAL, [1805 
 
 but the Lord did not sow oaks in this way. On my 
 saying that perhaps I should never live to see much 
 fruit ; he answered, I should have a birds-eye view of 
 it, which would be better. When I spoke of the oppo- 
 sition that I should be likely to meet with, he said, he 
 supposed Satan would not love me for what 1 was about 
 to do. The old man prayed afterwards with sweet 
 simplicity. Drank tea at C. Our hearts seemed full 
 of the joy which comes from the communion of saints. 
 
 26. Met D at Mr. Grant's, and was much 
 
 affected at some marks of love expressed by the people 
 at Cambridge, at the time of my leaving them ; he said, 
 that as I was going down the aisle, they all rose up to 
 take their last view. 
 
 28. Went to Mr. Cecil's to tea, he was very striking 
 as usual in his observations, and I sat contented to be 
 despised, as I deserve, saying nothing to the purpose, 
 though under all this there was much pride lurking. At 
 night read. Mr. C. preached on *' godly sorrow work- 
 eth repentance," &c. it was a most able sermon, power- 
 fully engaged the attention ; and yet I cannot say my 
 feelings are devoutly affected by this sort of preaching ; 
 at night, at home I enjoyed peace and comfort, and our 
 conversation was pleasant and profitable. 
 
 29. Rose in much dejection ; fearing that I should 
 never be of use in the ministry, and moreover that I should 
 prove an unsteady character in India, for I find the seeds 
 of a roving temper in me ; yet in prayer I was brought to 
 trust in the Lord, to commit my way unto him, to feel 
 that now was the time to rejoice in faith, when the 
 cloudy and dark day was coming. Some of the pro- 
 mises in Isaiah were unspeakably rich. When I get 
 near to God without any particular diligence, I suppose 
 some one has been praying for me. At night, in the 
 midst of great lukewarmness, grace was often in exer- 
 cise, teaching me to delight in the prospect of serving 
 God, and the permission of being with him, coming to 
 him, and receiving, out of the fulness of Christ, " grace 
 for grace." 
 
1805] JOURNAL. 249 
 
 May 1. Wrote sermon at night, till late, and was 
 much assisted in it, my heart was affected, and my mind 
 so active, that I could get little sleep. 
 
 2. Went down to Mitcham ; the noise, and carriages, 
 and people in the streets, had no power to divert my 
 attention, for I was determined to be in earnest. At 
 night, in my room, read Timothy with deep anxiety ; 
 could have gladly staid up all night, reading and praying, 
 in the views of the work of the ministry, and my want 
 of preparation for it. Retired to bed in a devoted 
 spirit. Yes, though the flesh is necessarily lulling me 
 with sloth, though I must truly say, that my flesh is full 
 of all iniquity ; my heart acknowledges no love but that 
 of God ; I could not, I would not be happy, without 
 being altogether his, and employed in his service for ever. 
 
 3. Rose in much the same spirit ; there w^as nothing 
 on earth that seemed worth my notice one moment, but 
 labouring for the salvation of precious souls. Walked 
 a little in the grounds, and had much sober joy in the 
 prospect of the time, when the wilderness should be 
 made like Eden. Through neglect of retirement for 
 prayer, my mind v^as in its natural state, and conse- 
 quently much pained at night. Ah ! my soul, is this 
 the life of Brainerd '? Oh let me learn from all my joys, 
 and all my sorrows, that keeping close to God is the 
 path of peace. 
 
 4. Waited this morning on the Archbishop of 
 Canterbury at Lambeth Palace. He had learnt from 
 somebody my circumstances, the degree I had taken, and 
 my object in going to India. He spoke much on the 
 importance of the \vork, the small ecclesiastical esta- 
 blishment for so great a body of people, and the state 
 of those English there, who, he said, * called themselves 
 Christians.' He was throughout very civil, and wished 
 me all the success I desired. I then proceeded to the 
 India House, and received directions to attend on Wed- 
 nesday to be sworn in. Afterwards walked to Mr. 
 Wilberforce's at Broomfield, and was much restored and 
 refreshed by learning and thinking on Ephesians. The 
 
250 JOURNAL. [1805 
 
 circumstance of leaving my friends at night, brought 
 Acts XX. to my mind, and I continued thinking of it 
 with great solemnity and sweet tranquillity, and desire 
 to be the servant of the Lord. 
 
 7. In the evening read the farewell discourse in 
 John xiv — xvi. with much comfort and benefit, and was 
 enabled to reflect with encouragement, that the Spirit 
 of truth would guide me into all truth. 
 
 8. Attended Courtenay again before breakfast. The 
 rest of the morning passed in writing sermon, and 
 reading Mr. Grant's book. The state of the natives, 
 and the prospects of doing good there, the character of 
 Swartz, &c. set forth in it, much impressed my mind, 
 and I found great satisfaction, in pleading for the fulfil- 
 ment of God's promises to the heathen. It seemed 
 painful to think of myself at all, except in reference to 
 the Church of Christ. Being somewhat in danger of 
 distraction this evening, from many concurrent circum- 
 stances, I found a very short prayer answered by my 
 being kept steady. Heard from Mr. Parry this evening, 
 that in consequence of an embargo laid on all the ships 
 by government, who had taken the best seamen from 
 the company's ships, on account of the sailing of the 
 French and Spanish fleets ; I should not be able to go 
 before the middle of June, if so soon. Thus it has 
 pleased God once more to detain me. What his design 
 is, time will shew ; whatever it is, let me rejoice in 
 thinking it will be entirely for the best. 
 
 9. Thought myself bound to change the subject of 
 my sermon for Sunday, in consequence of Mr. Simeon's 
 telling me I had mistaken the meaning of it ; at first I 
 was reluctant after having done so much, but I felt that 
 I could not dare to expect the blessing or assistance of 
 the Holy Ghost, if I wilfully perverted his meaning. By 
 reading and prayer my mind was more steady and 
 serious than on other mornings ; after dinner, took up 
 the Epistle to the Corinthians, and was afl'ected with 
 solemnity, by its spiritual truths. 
 
 10. Heard Mr. Thomson preach a missionary ser- 
 
1805] JOURNAL. 251 
 
 mon to a large congregation. The pride of being an 
 important personage in the assembly, being a missionary, 
 was as much as I could keep in subjection. In prayer 
 afterwards, found benefit to my soul, and was assisted 
 in my walk to meditate on a subject. Passed the even- 
 ing wdth and , thinking it would be the last 
 
 time I should see them, but the time passed in the most 
 improfitable manner. This way of living is grievous to 
 me ; I want more solitude, more long and heart-search- 
 ing communion with God. 
 
 1 1 . Writing diligently to-day, and found my mind 
 solemnized by my work. 
 
 12. (Sunday.) In the afternoon, preached a ser- 
 mon for the children of a charity school, on Luke xi. 
 11 — 13. I w^as very inanimate, partly from ill health, 
 partly from a desire of guarding against improper ges- 
 tures. Mr. Cecil told me he had heard I had been 
 preaching excellently. Mr. B. told me the sermon was 
 very miserable ; he observed a total want of animation 
 and action. These remarks I was once foolish enough 
 to feel hurt at, but now I see much cause to bless the 
 Lord that he hath placed me for a time in London, 
 where so many friends are endeavouring to correct me. 
 Drank tea at Lady Catharine's. Our conversation at 
 night w^as on important subjects, and my soul seemed to 
 be very near the enjoyment of these things, but the par- 
 ticular nature of my disorder, made the effect which 
 these joyous thoughts have on my frame of body, too 
 painful to be borne. I feel encouraged to make every 
 effort both in body and mind, in order to become an able 
 minister of the New Testament. Blessed be God for it, 
 this is one of the benefits of my delay in England ; the 
 settlement of my dear sister is another comfort attend- 
 ing it. 
 
 13. Attended Courtenay after breakfast, at which I 
 was much enlivened by conversation with Mr. B. on 
 religious subjects. I read Flavel's Method of Grace, 
 
 and wrote to S . Then went out without reading 
 
 any of the word of God in private. The consequence 
 
252 JOURNAL. [1805 
 
 was, that my thoughts were vain and idle, in my walk, 
 and I returned unhappy, and unfit for communion with 
 God ; yet by some fervency in prayer I was a little 
 restored. At night saw the necessity of being roused 
 to my duty. If I spare the flesh, and take so little 
 pains as I have been doing, God will hide his face. I 
 made holy resolutions, the Lord help me to keep them. 
 Matt. X. xxiv. and xxv. and 2 Tim. were awful warnings 
 to my soul. Oh ! how base is my lukewarmness — Oh I 
 may Christ patiently bear with all my infirmities, and 
 heal my backslidings, and help me to pour forth my 
 very body and soul in fervent labours exerted in his 
 beloved service ! Amen. 
 
 15. Read prayers at Mr. Newton's, and preached on 
 Eph. ii. 19 — 21. The clerk threw out very disrespectful 
 and even uncivil things respecting my going to India, 
 though I thought the asperity and contemptuousness he 
 manifested unsuitable to his profession ; I felt happy in 
 the comfortable assurance of being upright in my inten- 
 tions. The sermon was much praised by some people 
 coming in, but happily this gives me little satisfaction. 
 Went home and read a sermon of Flavel's, on knowing 
 nothing but Christ. I was made sensible of my extreme 
 ignorance of Gospel mysteries, and on my knees im- 
 plored that the Spirit of God would instruct me ; my 
 heart was also in heaviness through the rising of cor- 
 ruption, and seemed unwilling to part with the world 
 and its enjoyments, and be separated from my dear 
 friends, and left alone with God. All these evils I 
 spread before the Lord in prayer, and obtained some 
 relief and comfort. In the evening read for Mr. Cecil, 
 who preached in a most striking manner, on Rev. iii. 
 21. I was encouraged to determine to fight, but oh, 
 what pride and hardness of heart, and forgetfulness of 
 God, have I to recollect this day. I again made a 
 covenant with myself which I found it very difficult to 
 keep. 
 
 16. Breakfasted with Mr. P . Joined with his 
 
 family in worship, he prayed himself in a very simple 
 
1805] JOURNAL. 253 
 
 and devout strain. My heart was full of joy and thank- 
 fulness that a person in his station was found so pious. 
 
 17. Was very sleepy and stupid this whole morn- 
 ing, in consequence of having lost my sleep for three or 
 four nights past ; if there were any necessity of bearing 
 the inconveniences of these lodgings, or any good to be 
 got, I would quietly bear them, but as this has the effect 
 of making me unfit for duty in the day, I shall change 
 them. Found myself unable to write on any subject ; 
 was a Httle revived by learning Isaiah xl. but was sink- 
 ing again into a cold state, when through the mercy of 
 God I took the alarm at my idleness and negligence of 
 duties, and prayed with humility and fervour. Walked 
 out and continued in earnest striving with my corrup- 
 tion. I made a covenant with my eyes, which I kept 
 strictly ; though I was astonished to find the difficulty 
 I had in doing even this. I continued in humiliation 
 and prayer, especially that God would vouchsafe to 
 teach me the mysteries of redemption, and help me to 
 find out in what manner sinners should be addressed. 
 In this state, though there was much pain and sorrow, 
 even to tears, and though I felt dreadful opposition in 
 the flesh, I felt it was a right work, the Spirit striving 
 against the flesh, and I mourned to think how soon it 
 would pass away. The sight I had of my corruption, 
 and the extreme difficulty of fixing the soul towards 
 God, impressed this text deeply on me — '' With men it 
 is impossible, but with God all things are possible." 
 Read some of the chapters of the Revelation, with much 
 of the blessing and presence of God — I was deeply 
 aff^ected with divine things. 
 
 18. Changed my lodgings. I offered my services 
 to the mistress of the house to officiate at family wor- 
 ship, but she said she had no time to spare for it. I 
 talked a great deal to her, but she could not listen to 
 reason. 
 
 1 9 . (Sunday. ) Towards night many things occurred 
 to bring down my pride very low. Mr. Cecil preached 
 on 1 Thess. iii. 8. I was affected even to tears at 
 
254 JOURNAL. [1805 
 
 reflecting that God had not caused any such connection 
 to exist between me and my people ; it seemed as if 
 people heard me as though they heard not. But my 
 soul breathed fervently for grace, to perceive the infinite 
 value of immortal souls, and to labour incessantly for 
 them in prayer ; hearing afterwards something said in 
 praise of me, I lost a good deal of this humility and 
 spiritual comfort ; still found myself quickened and 
 edified by the word of God at night. 
 
 20. O how merciful has God been in fixing me in 
 necessary duty, as at Cambridge, with out which I should 
 certainly have given way to sloth ; it appeared very 
 painful to me at the time, but I now feel the benefit. 
 Yet now I am treacherous to God ; hard it is for me to 
 stir myself up to spirituality and diligence in duty, when 
 no outward ministration demands it. Oh, what a living 
 after the flesh is this ! 
 
 2 1 . Almost all my prayers are now w^ith reference 
 to the ministry. Read and prayed over John xv. before 
 I went out, and forced my thoughts to continue more 
 
 sober. Cecil called to-day, (when S was with 
 
 me,) and spoke with his usual force on the work of the 
 ministry, particularly on the necessity of seclusion from 
 company. Let me remember Matthew xxiv, I read it, 
 and well might I tremble. My soul is astonished, and 
 confounded at itself, that it is not swallowed up in the 
 immensity of the ministerial work. 
 
 22. Endeavoured to guard my thoughts this morn- 
 ing in a more particular manner, as expecting to pass it 
 with Sargent, in prayer for assistance in the ministry. 
 Called at Mr. Wilberforce's, when I met Mr. Babington. 
 The extreme kindness and cordiality of these two was 
 very pleasing to me, though rather elating. By a letter 
 
 from B to-day, learnt that two young men of 
 
 Chesterton had come forward, who professed to have 
 been awakened by a sermon of mine on Psalm ix. 17. 
 I was not so afl^ected with gi'atitude and joy as I expected 
 to be ; could not easily ascribe the glory to God ; yet I 
 will bless him through all my ignorance, that he has 
 
1805] JOURNAL. 255 
 
 thus owned the ministry of one so weak. Oh, may I 
 have faith to go onward, expecting to see miracles 
 
 wrought hy the foolishness of preaching. H , to 
 
 whom I had made application for the loan which Major 
 
 S found it inconvenient to advance, dined with 
 
 me, and surprised me hy the difBculty he started. After 
 
 dinner went to the India House to take leave. Mr. , 
 
 the other chaplain, sat with me before we were called 
 in, and I found that I knew a little of him, having been 
 at his house. As he knew my character, I spoke very 
 freely to him on the subject of religion. Was called in 
 to take the oaths ; all the directors were present I think. 
 Mr. Grant in the chair addressed a charge to us extem- 
 pore. One thing struck my attention, which was, that 
 he warned us of the enerv^ating effects of the climate. 
 
 In the evening heard Mr. Crowther preach. 
 
 mentioned Mr. as an alarming instance of the 
 
 effect of Indian climate and manners ; he went out w^ith 
 zeal but had lost it all. This dwelt very much on my 
 mind all the rest of the evening. The sense of my 
 very great danger made me feel a sort of guilt, as if I 
 had fallen already. Prayed with nearness to God when 
 I got home, both in reference to the sermon I had heard 
 and my own case. 
 
 23. Humbled this morning at thought of my waste 
 of time and self-indulgence. After reading 1 Tim. 
 
 i. 1 1. I went out to . As I walked, my soul was 
 
 full of holy ardour, to war a good warfare, and to 
 trample sin and Satan under feet. My interview with 
 
 was such as hurt my feelings. He did not 
 
 like to advance the money without some security. I 
 went to Mr. G's to talk to him on the subject ; but 
 after waiting two hours could not see him. My mind 
 was ruminating on the ways of the world. How much 
 of them is seen in the people of God. Went home and 
 found comfort in prayer. 
 
 24. Breakfasted with Mr. P , and was as much 
 
 delighted with his kindness as I was hurt by the extreme 
 coldness of afterwards, to whom I mentioned my 
 
256 JOURNAL. [1805 
 
 pecuniary difficulties. I felt more acutely than ever I 
 did in my life the shame attending poverty. Nothing 
 but the remembrance that I was not to blame sup- 
 ported me. Whatever comes to me in the way of Pro- 
 vidence is and must be for my good. 
 
 25. Fervent in prayer for usefulness in the ministry. 
 In the streets, in my walk, my heart, in some dejection, 
 seemed at times to triumph over difficulty and every 
 snare, in the power and strength of Christ. Dined and 
 
 spent the evening at Dr. 's with Mr. Atkinson. 
 
 The conversation throughout was highly spiritual and 
 profitable, and encouraging to me. 
 
 26. (Sunday.) At night after evening service, 
 employed the time in reading and prayer. The Lord 
 vouchsafed his presence in prayer. And in reading 
 Isaiah, I was delighted with the promises respecting the 
 church. The occasional displays in Isaiah of the great- 
 ness of God rather kept my heart at a distance, though 
 in other parts I found texts that encouraged me. 
 This Sabbath evening was attended with greater com- 
 fort and profit than most of the former. Blessed be God 
 for the continuance of his loving kindness ! 
 
 27. Lost much of my comfort by following my own 
 will in my studies and employments this morning, 
 instead of a punctual observance of the order of duty. 
 After writing some letters, prayed, and read 2 Tim. i. 1 1. 
 but could not find that spirituality come from it, which I 
 often have. O I need the spirit of fear, that I may serve 
 God with reverence. However, in the evening, it pleased 
 the Lord to suffer me. to draw near him in prayer. My 
 soul had a solemn season. I could look clearly and 
 steadily through the whole of life, and feel myself at the 
 end of it ; and thus pray with enlargement respecting 
 the different dangers I suspected might lie in my way. 
 Read Flavel's Sermons with much profit, and studied a 
 subject for Sunday next. 
 
 29. It pleased God to keep my heart right this 
 morning, though yesterday and this morning I had so 
 little regularity in secret duties. Went to Morden, with 
 
1805] JOURNAL. 257 
 
 •, where the time passed rather unprofitably. In 
 
 the afternoon read Isaiah li. -and liii. and found it very- 
 solemnizing to my soul. I desired to follow Christ in 
 
 his humiliation. 's want of sobriety and lowliness 
 
 is very hurtful to me, and so is also the corruption of 
 my sinful heart. 
 
 30. Rose wuth a great deal of a vain spirit, but the 
 mercy of God restored me. Went to the India House. 
 Kept the covenant wdthmy eyes pretty well. Oh what 
 bitter experience have I had to teach me carefulness 
 against temptation. I have found this method, w^hich 
 I have sometimes had recourse to, useful to-day ; 
 namely, that of praying in ejaculations for any particu- 
 lar person whose appearance might prove an occasion 
 of sinful thoughts. After asking of God, that she 
 might be as pure and beautiful in her mind and heart 
 as in body, and be a temple of the Holy Ghost, conse- 
 crated to the service of God, for whose glory she was 
 made, I dare not harbour a thought of an opposite 
 tendency. About the middle of the day I felt exceed- 
 ingly melancholy at my unprofitableness ; and prayer and 
 determination to be more diligent could not remove it. 
 After dinner began to think on subject for sermon with 
 great fervency of spirit, and wTote very slowly all the 
 rest of the evening. Yet this continuance of employ- 
 ment left me much relieved and refreshed. Now this 
 is astonishing to me, that repeated, daily, invariable 
 experience assures me of the connection God has made 
 between diligence and delight, holiness and happiness, 
 and yet I am so neglectful of what I know to be the 
 means. 
 
 3 1 . Met with my captain, who told me that two-thirds 
 of his cargo was aboard, but the embargo was not taken 
 off. How uncertain is the time of our departure. It is 
 the Lord that orders all things. He wdll scatter the 
 French and Spanish fleets with his storms, rather than 
 that his Gospel should not be preached among the 
 heathen, if he so design it. Of how little consequence 
 in his eyes are all these political movements, except as 
 
 s 
 
258 JOURNAL. [180,5 
 
 in subserviency of gathering in his elect. In the even- 
 ing wrote sermon, my mind being generally happy and 
 serious. Two things, I sometimes thought, divided my 
 mind ; to live upon earth sometime longer to preach 
 Christ among the heathen, or to depart and be with 
 him ; though I could not but feel the latter would be far 
 better. 
 
 June 1. 1 am now come to that month, the end of 
 which, I should think, I shall not see in England. My 
 departure from my friends, and my deprivation of the 
 sweetest delight in society, for ever in this life, have 
 rather dejected me to-day. Ah ! nature, thou hast still 
 tears to shed for thyself! Was employed in writing 
 sermon all day. My mind was peculiarly solemn, and 
 had several affecting seasons in prayer to the Spirit for 
 assistance. And I remember that this time last vear, 
 when I was preparing for Whitsunday, and led in some 
 manner to pray to the Spirit, my soul was more than 
 ordinarily impressed. I seem to be hankering after 
 something or other in this world, though I am sure I 
 could not say there is any thing which I believed could give 
 me happiness. No ! it is in God alone. Yet to-night I 
 have been thinking much of Lydia. Memory has been 
 at work to unnerve my soul, but reason, and honour, 
 and love to Christ and to souls, shall prevail. Amen. 
 God help me. 
 
 2. (Whitsunday.) In the afternoon, read and 
 preached on John xvi. 8. " He shall convince the 
 world of sin." There w^as great attention, and my own 
 Spirit was animated, but I had not the precious thoughts 
 which came into my mind occasionally yesterday and to 
 day ; namely, thoughts of the value of souls and the 
 power of God, which w^ould make preaching efficacious, 
 and thoughts of simply approving myself unto God, in 
 the near views of eternity, unconcerned and deaf to all 
 human things ; and fixedness of mind on the great end 
 of my ministry. At home, sat and meditated and 
 prayed, for I was too fatigued to kneel ; truly I have 
 tasted of the world and never found it satisfy me, 
 
1305] JOURNAL. 259 
 
 though I am still foolish enough to try it. My dear 
 Redeemer is a fountain of life to my soul. Oh that 1 
 may from this time be his, and be encouraged by his 
 kind promises, and walk in his love under the guidance 
 and influence of the blessed Spirit. With resignation 
 and peace, can I look forward to a life of labour and 
 entire seclusion from earthly comforts, while Jesus thus 
 stands near me, changing me into his own holy image. 
 
 3. Received a letter from Major S to-day, 
 
 which rather hurt my feelings ; but I reflected that it is not 
 my own fault, so far as I can see, that I am so poor as 
 to be beholden to another for assistance ; it comes from 
 the natural Providence of God. 
 
 Went to the Eclectic, where there were nine ministers 
 besides myself. The subject was the symptoms of the 
 state of the nation. Mr. Cecil spoke admirably, Mr. F — , 
 Mr. P — , and Mr. Simons also very well. Towards the 
 end, the subject of marriage, somehow or other, came to 
 be mentioned. Mr. Cecil spoke very freely and 
 strongly on the subject. He said I should be acting 
 like a madman, if I went out unmarried. A wife would 
 supply by her comfort and counsel the entire want of 
 society, and also be a preservation both to character 
 and passions amidst such scenes. , I felt as cold as an 
 anchorite on the subject as to my own feelings, but I 
 was much perplexed all the rest of the evening about it. 
 I clearly perceived that my own inclination upon the 
 whole was not to marriage. The fear of being involved 
 in worldly cares, and numberless troubles, which I do 
 not now foresee, make me tremble and dislike the 
 thoughts of such connections. When I think of 
 Brainerd, how he lived among the Indians ; travelling 
 freely from place to place : can I conceive he would 
 have been so useful had he been married. I remember 
 also that Owens, who had been so many years in the 
 West Indies as a missionary, gave his advice against 
 marriage. Swartz was never married, nor St. Paul. 
 On the other hand, w4ien I suppose another in my cir- 
 cumstances, fixed at a settlement without company, 
 
 S 2 
 
260 JOURNAL. [1805 
 
 without society, in a scene and climate of such tempta- 
 tion, I say without hesitation, he ought to he married. 
 I have recollected this evening very much my feelings 
 when I walked through Wales ; how I longed then to 
 have some friend to speak to, and the three weeks 
 seemed an age without one. And I have often thought 
 how valuable would be the counsel and comfort of a 
 Christian brother in India. These advantages would 
 be attained by marrying. I feel anxious also that as 
 many Christians as possible should go to India, and any 
 one walling to go would be a valuable addition. But 
 yet voluntary ceHbacy seems so much more noble and 
 glorious, and so much more beneficial in the way of 
 example, that I am loth to relinquish the idea of it. In 
 short, I am utterly at a loss to know what is best for 
 the interests of the Gospel. But happily my own peace 
 is not much concerned in it. If this opinion of so many 
 pious clergymen had come across me when I was in 
 Cornwall, and so strongly attached to my beloved Lydia, 
 it would have been a conflict indeed in my heart to 
 oppose so many arguments. But now I feel, through 
 grace, an astonishing difference. I hope I am not seek- 
 ing an excuse for marriage, nor persuading myself I am 
 indiiferent about it, in order that what is really my 
 inclination may appear to be the will of God. But I 
 feel my affections kindling to their wonted fondness 
 while I dwell on the circumstances of an union with 
 Lydia. May the Lord teach his weak creature to live 
 peacefully and soberly in his love, drawing all my joys 
 from him, the fountain of living w^aters. 
 
 4. The subject of marriage made me thoughtful and 
 serious. Mr. Atkinson, whose opinion I revere, was 
 against my marrying. Found near access to my God 
 in prayer. Oh what a comfort it is to have God to go 
 to. I breathed freely to him my sorrows and cares, and 
 set about my work with diligence. The Lord assisted 
 me very much, and I wrote more freely than ever I did. 
 Slept very little in the night. 
 
 5. Corrie breakfasted with me and w^nt to prayer ; 
 
1805] JOURNAL. 261 
 
 I rejoiced to find he was not unwilling to go to 
 India. He will probably be my fellow-labourer. Most 
 of this morning was employed in writing all my senti- 
 ments on the subject of marriage to Mr. Simeon. May 
 the Lord suggest something to him which may be of 
 use to guide me, and keep my eye single. In my walk 
 out and afterwards, the subject was constantly on my 
 mind. But alas ! I did not guard against that distrac- 
 tion from heavenly things which I was aware it would 
 occasion. On reflection at home, I found I had been 
 talking in a very inconsistent manner. But was again 
 restored to peace by an application to Christ's blood 
 through the Spirit. My mind has all this day been 
 very strongly inclined to marriage, and has been conse- 
 quently uncomfortable, for in proportion to its want of 
 simplicity is it unhappy. But Mr. Cecil said to-day, 
 he thought Lydia's decision would fully declare the will of 
 God. With this I am again comforted, for now hath 
 the Lord taken the matter into his own hands. What- 
 ever he decides upon I shall rejoice, and though I con- 
 fess I think she will not consent to go, I shall then have 
 the question finally settled. 
 
 6. God's interference in supporting me continually, 
 appears to me like a miracle. With this subject of so 
 great importance on my mind, involving such doubt 
 and uncertainty, he keeps me surprisingly composed, and 
 assists me wonderfully in my work. Called this mor- 
 ning on Mr. Parry, who told me the embargo would be 
 taken ofl:' in a few days, but the fleet would not sail in 
 less than a fortnight. In my walk met Mr. H — — , 
 and was much relieved by his kind manner. How 
 many temptations are there in the streets of London ! 
 Returned home with a distaste for every thing, but by 
 prayer over the iiird and ivth of Ephesians ; my soul 
 was restored both to elasticity and comfortable serious- 
 ness. Dined at , with Mr. V. a Dutch gentleman, 
 
 whose Christian simplicity and good sense delights me 
 beyond measure. He described his conversion as hav- 
 ing taken place at Bourdeaux, on his return home from 
 
262 JOURNAL. [1805 
 
 Spain. He knew Dr. Vanderkemp. As we conversed 
 all of lis about spiritual things, our hearts burned within 
 us. I was delighted to hear the same truths lisped in 
 foreign accents. He also described in a most interest- 
 ing detail, the manner in which the French preyed upon 
 them at Dort, \vhere he was one of the magistracy. 
 Discussion in the evening was about my marriage again ; 
 they w^ere all strenuous advocates for it. Wrote at 
 night with great freedom, but my body is very weak 
 from the fatigue I have already undergone. My mind 
 seems very active this week ; manifestly indeed strength- 
 ened by God to be enabled to write on religious sub- 
 jects with such unusual ease, while it is also full of this 
 important business of the marriage. My inclination 
 continues, I think, far more unbiassed than when I 
 wrote to Mr. Simeon. 
 
 7. Oh, the subtilty of the Devil, and the deceitful- 
 ness of this corrupted heart. How has an idol been 
 imperceptibly raised up in it. Something fell from Dr. 
 F. this evening against my marriage, which struck me 
 so forcibly, though there was nothing particular in it, 
 that 1 began to see I should finally give up all thoughts 
 about it. But how great the conflict ! I covdd not 
 have believed it had such hold on my affections. Before 
 this I had been writing in tolerable tranquillity, and 
 walked out in the enjoyment of a resigned mind, even 
 rejoicing for the most part in God, and dined at Mr. 
 Cecil's, w^here the arguments I heard were all in favour 
 
 of the flesh, and so I was pleased ; but Dr. F 's 
 
 words gave a new turn to my thoughts, and the tumult 
 showed me the true state of my heart. How miserable 
 did life appear, without the hope of Lydia. Oh, how 
 has the discussion of the subject opened all my wounds 
 afresh. I have not felt such heart-rending pain, since I 
 parted with her in Corn^vall. But the Lord brought 
 me to consider the folly and wickedness of all this. 
 Shall I hesitate to keep my days in constant solitude, 
 who am but a brand plucked from the burning? I 
 could not help saying. Go, Plindoos, go on in your 
 
1805] JOURNAL. 263 
 
 misery, let Satan still rule over you, for he that was 
 appointed to labour among you, is consulting his ease. 
 No, thought I, hell and earth shall never keep me back 
 from my work. I am cast down, but not destroyed ; I 
 began to consider, why am I so uneasy, " Cast thy care 
 upon him, for he careth for you." " In every thing by 
 prayer, &c." These promises were graciously fulfilled, 
 before long, to me. 
 
 8. My mind continued in much the same state this 
 morning, waiting with no small anxiety for a letter from 
 Mr. Simeon, hoping of course that the will of God 
 would coincide with my wdll, yet thinking the determi- 
 nation of the question would be indifferent to me. When 
 the letter arrived, I was immediately convinced beyond 
 all doubt, of the expediency of celibacy. But my wish 
 did not follow my judgment quite so readily. Mr. 
 Pratt coming in, argued strongly on the other side, but 
 there was nothing of any weight. The subject so occu- 
 pied my thoughts, that I could attend to nothing else. 
 I saw myself called to be less than ever a man of this 
 world, and walked out with a heavy heart. Met Dr. F. 
 who alone of all men could best sympathize ; and his 
 few w^ords were encouraging. Yet I cannot cordially 
 acquiesce in all the Lord's dealings, though my reason 
 and judgment approve them, and my inclination would 
 desire to do it. Dined at Mr. Cecil's, where it provi- 
 dentially happened that Mr. Foster came in. To 
 them I read Mr. Simeon's letter, and they were both 
 convinced by it. So I went away home with nothing 
 to do but to get my heart easy again under this sacri- 
 fice. I devoted myself once more to the entire and 
 everlasting service of God, and found myself more 
 weaned from this world, and desiring the next; though 
 not from a right principle. Continued all the evening 
 w^riting sermon, and reading Pilgrim's Progress, 
 with successions of vivid emotions of pain and plea- 
 sure. My heart was sometimes ready to break with 
 agony, at being torn from its dearest idol, and at other 
 times I was visited by a few moments of sublime and 
 
264 . JOURNAL. [1805 
 
 enraptured joy. Such is the conflict : why have my 
 friends mentioned this subject? It has torn open old 
 wounds, and I am again bleeding. With all my hon- 
 ours and knowledge, the smiles and approbation of men, 
 the health and prosperity that have fallen to my lot, 
 together with that freedom from doubts and fears, with 
 which I was formerly visited ; how much have I gone 
 through in the last two or three years, to bring my mind 
 to be willing to do the will of God when it should be 
 revealed. My heart is pained within me, and my bodily 
 frame suffers from it. 
 
 9. (Sunday.) My heart is still pained. It is still 
 as a bullock unaccustomed to the yoke. The Lord 
 help me to maintain the conflict. Preached this mor- 
 ning at Long Acre Chapel, on Matt, xxviii. the three 
 last verses. There was the utmost attention. In the 
 interval between morning and afternoon, passed most 
 of the time in reading and prayer. Read Matthew iii. 
 and considered the character of John the Baptist. Holy 
 emulation seemed to spring up in my mind. Then read 
 John xvii, and last chapter, and Rev. i, all of which 
 were blessed to my soul. I went into the church per- 
 suaded in my feelings, — which is different from being per- 
 suaded in the understanding, — that it was nobler and 
 wiser to be as John the Baptist, Peter, John, and all the 
 apostles, than to have my own will gratified. Preached 
 on Eph. ii. 18. Walked a little with Mr. Grant this 
 evening. He told me I should have great trials and 
 temptations in India, but I know where to apply for 
 
 grace to help. I inferred from what he said, that 
 
 and were but in a low state; that I must beware of 
 
 sinking to their standard, and at the same time of 
 running to an intemperate zeal. He advised me to 
 acquire the language, customs, and mythology, by 
 inviting the Brahmins to come and see me. They 
 account it an honour to be received and treated well by 
 an European. I should have no difficulty in getting 
 some country place, as it was the lowest situation of all ; 
 and the salary less than a chaplaincy to a brigade. 
 
1805] JOURNAL. 265 
 
 10. In the evening went to ; my mind was 
 
 melancholy, but not unhappy. The ease and elegance 
 in which they live here, gave rise to a variety of re- 
 flections, for while they were engaged in music, I 
 was left at liberty to be looking out at the window. 
 I felt the utmost indifference about the whole of the 
 trifles of this life. It is perhaps for this, I am cut 
 off from the hope of Lydia ; but I did perceive that 
 a life of labour for immortal souls, was better riches 
 than all this which I was seeing. The sight also of H. 
 in a fit, very much affected me ; so that in my own room 
 at night, I found a melancholy pleasure in sitting at the 
 window in the dark, looking at the skies. My soul was 
 deeply impressed with the value of souls, and with the 
 necessity of speaking seriously to the conscience ; eter- 
 nity seemed near ; no prospect of happiness on earth 
 appeared in view. Meditated on a subject to speak on 
 in the morning. 
 
 11. Came to town in H.'s carriage; he begged 
 me to come again, as certainly some good was 
 doing. 
 
 12. Discontented this morning with every thing; 
 but by prayer, my spirit was a little quieted and 
 solemnized. Poor and unprofitable as I am, I trust that 
 I have been brought to Clirist, and have been so far 
 changed as to find my chief pleasure in loving and 
 serving him ; but alas, every trifle is able to distract me 
 from him. 
 
 13. Employed in going about buying books, and 
 packing up, &c. but much time outwardly was given to 
 meditation on a subject with little success. At times of 
 prayer had some affection, particularly at those hours 
 when t felt most unwilling and unfit to pray at all. Had 
 I a more tender sense of mercy, I should have delighted 
 to write on the subject I had chosen ; yet it is very 
 sweet to be desiring such a state. I would wish, like 
 Mary, to be weeping at the feet of Jesus. 
 
 14. Employed in writing on the same subject ; more 
 watchful and near the Lord, and of course more peace 
 
266 JOURNAL. [1805 
 
 and comfort. Dr. F.'s words (who called this morn- 
 ing) made some animal impression, * The Lord be with 
 you ; and I think that he will be with you too.' Sent 
 off all my luggage, as preparatory to its going on board. 
 Dined at Mr. Cecil's, he endeavoured to correct my 
 reading, but in vain, ' Brother M.' says he, ^ you are a 
 humble man, and w^ould gain regard in private life ; but 
 to gain public attention you must force yourself into a 
 more marked and expressive manner.' Read and wrote 
 the remainder of the evening ; this I observed, that when 
 at one time I began to write without a prayer to the 
 blessed Spirit, I found myself not stirring ; but after it, 
 was enabled to go on again; oh, may He teach me con- 
 tinually my dependence upon Him. Generally, to-night, 
 have I been above the world ; Lydia, and other comforts 
 I would resign. 
 
 16. I thought it probable, from illness, that death 
 might be at hand, and this was before me all the day ; 
 sometimes I was exceedingly refreshed and comforted at 
 the thought, at other times I felt unwilling and afraid to 
 die. Shed tears at night, at the thought of my de- 
 parture, and the roaring sea, that would soon be rolling 
 between me and all that is dear to me upon earth. 
 
 17. Attended the Eclectic; Mr. Wood, Mr. Venn, 
 and Mr. Cecil spoke very sensibly on the subject, 
 — ' The measure and means of happiness.' This ques- 
 tion once occasioned me dreadful disquiet, and I was 
 at this time led into many metaphysical enquiries, 
 without coming at any thing. My ignorance on this 
 subject gives me trouble in this way ; if I do not know 
 what happiness is, — how it is to be defined, — what a 
 visionary, baseless fabric is religion which proposes to 
 lead us to it. On my return from them, I continued a 
 long time in prayer to God, without peace. I thought 
 that if religion were false, I would willingly be deceived, 
 but I found to my pain, that the mind cannot be free in 
 this particular, it cannot choose to be deceived ; how^ 
 ever, the Lord restored my soul after" a time, to feel the 
 simplicity of the gospel. I endeavoured to see myself 
 
1805] JOURNAL. 267 
 
 a sinner, my plain business therefore was, not to specu- 
 late, but to obtain salvation in the shortest manner I 
 could. Besides, as I am convinced, that nothing but the 
 gospel, whether true or false, was of any use to man, it 
 was my business not to stay philosophizing and puzzling 
 myself, w^hile souls w^ere perishing ; and w^hat struck me 
 as much as any thing, was, that metaphysicians w^ho 
 might really discover truth, were in general, poor crea- 
 tures, full of pride and sin. Let me feel it to be my 
 true wisdom. I prayed to become a child and a 
 fool. My mind was made easy. I read Col. i. atten- 
 tively, and prayed over it with great increase to my 
 comfort. 
 
 18. Walked to Hampstead, found myself uncom- 
 fortable through carnality of thought. By endeavour- 
 ing to bend my soul to holy meditation, and to consider 
 the Christian life as a struggle and a warfare, I became 
 a little easy. Oh how unhappy is life without God. 
 The fine prospect at Hampstead rather set my ideas 
 afloat again, and I exulted in the thought that one day 
 the knowledge of the Lord shall cover the earth. At 
 night, enjoyed the presence of God in secret duties. 
 The scenes of time seemed to have passed away. Went 
 to bed in the hope that I should soon know what con- 
 stant communion meant. 
 
 20. Learnt that it was probable that we should sail 
 next week. Passed the latter part of the day alone, and 
 enjoyed much more comfort and peace than for some 
 time. I read the Acts with great delight, and afterwards 
 at other parts of the day, enjoyed access to God, though 
 at first there was great strangeness, from being so much 
 out of doors, engaged in temporal matters. 
 
 21. Went to Hampstead. In the coach, after some 
 difficidty, 1 brought the two persons w^ho were with me, 
 to conversation on religion. They had the common 
 objections, and argued very warmly against me. But 
 the Lord fulfilled his promise in giving me a mouth 
 and wisdom. 
 
 23. (Sunday.) It pleased God to give me some 
 
268 JOURNAL. [1805 
 
 sense of my neglect of his work, and to renew the sph'it 
 I had last night in prayer ; when my soul seemed to 
 yearn after a life of extraordinary zeal, steadiness, and 
 spirituality in Christ's service. Read 2 Corinthians till 
 church. Mr. Cecil preached on Psalm xxiii. 3. Walked 
 after church, with Mr. Grant, who advised me to leave 
 town this week. Walked alone afterwards, with a so- 
 ber, but rather melancholy frame. Walked home from 
 Hampstead in the evening with the 's. The con- 
 versation part of the way was on divine subjects, but I 
 endeavoured to seek the presence of God as if alone. 
 In a sorrowful and humbled frame, I found it refreshing 
 to devote myself to Christ's service. The w^orld and 
 worldly things, even Lydia, appeared all indifferent. I 
 wished for nothing here. My proper work as a minister 
 and a missionary seemed all my business, and all that 
 was worth living for. The words of the hymn — ' Jesus, 
 at thy command,' &c. were much on my mind. 
 
 To Mrs. Hitchins. 
 
 London, June 24, 1805. 
 My dear Cousin, 
 The account of your ill health as described in your 
 former letter, affected me even to tears. I cannot in- 
 deed expect to see you any more upon earth ; yet for 
 my dear brother's sake, and those to whom you are 
 immediately useful, I wish to regard the hour of your 
 departure as far distant — but in this and every other 
 particular that concerns us, God will act according to 
 his infinite wisdom and love. As you are safe in the 
 Lord Jesus, nothing need disquiet you, or us, on your 
 account — whether life or death, all is yours. ^ ^ 
 
 * * May God enable you, according to your 
 desire, to continue walking as on the verge of eternity, 
 looking for and hastening to the coming of the day of 
 God. * * * There are not many things 
 
 in the world which I would withhold from you ; but 
 with respect to the sermons for which you ask, my 
 
1805] LETTER. 209 
 
 mind must be changed before I send them. * * 
 * * Sermons cannot be good memorials, be- 
 
 cause once read, they are done with — especially a young 
 man's sermons, unless they possess a peculiar simplicity 
 and spirituality ; which I need not say are qualities not be- 
 longing to mine. I hope, however, that I am improving ; 
 and I trust that now^ I am removed from the contagion 
 of academic air, and am in the way of acquiring a 
 greater knowledge of men, and of my own heart, I shall 
 exchange my jejune scholastic style for a simple 
 spiritual exhibition of profitable truth. Mr. Cecil has 
 been taking a great deal of pains with me ; my insipid, 
 inanimate manner in the pulpit, he says, is intolerable. 
 ' Sir,' said he, ' it is cupola-painting, not miniature, 
 that must be the aim of a man that harangues a 
 multitude.' Whitsun-week was a time of the utmost 
 distress to me ; but now, through the mercy of God, I 
 am once more at peace. What cannot his power effect? 
 The present wish of my heart is, that I may henceforth 
 have no one thing upon earth for which I w^ould wish to 
 stay another hour, except it be to serve the Lord my 
 Saviour in the work of the ministry. Pray, my dear 
 sister, that the Lord may keep in the imaginations of 
 the thoughts of my heart, all that may be for the glory 
 of his great name. The time of sailing is not yet 
 certain. The ships are getting round to Portsmouth 
 fast. I shall leave town this week, probably not before 
 Thursday. As my ship is one of the latest, we shall 
 probably not be detained long there. If we were, it 
 w^ould not be safe to venture to Plymouth, scarcely in- 
 deed could I wish it. 
 
 25. An hour lost this morning deranged the comfort 
 of the day. In consequence of carelessness, I w^as so 
 late as to have but little time in prayer, before going to 
 Ishngton ; far too little to have holy impressions on my 
 soul. 
 
 26. Met a large party at Mr. Grant's. I had here 
 a great marvel for my pride. The remarkable attention 
 
270 JOURNAL. [1805 
 
 paid to me was far too pleasing to my corrupt nature, 
 and was of course followed by unhappiness. It seems I 
 *am likely to stay another week. 
 
 27. Received some refreshment of spirit from prayer, 
 and went on with a devout and steady desire to glorify 
 
 God to the utmost. Met , my fellow passenger. 
 
 As I once was, he appeared restless and unhappy for 
 w^ant of knowing God. 
 
 28. In a storm of thunder and lightning, I felt safe 
 in the mercy of God, and rejoiced at this display of his 
 greatness. Oh what a great God do sinners harden 
 themselves against. Sat for my miniature to a female 
 painter ; during the whole time she disputed against 
 religion. I answered all her arguments, and explained 
 the gospel as well as I could. 
 
 29. Diligently employed all day, and w^as greatly 
 assisted to get my work finished at night. The constant 
 employment in Divine things to-day has tired my body 
 but refreshed my soul. O what a pity it is that one 
 vile earthly thought should come where spiritual and 
 heavenly ones ought to be. I should like to be ever 
 engaged in thinking of God and eternity. But soon shall 
 I be in that world of spirits, I hope and trust w4th my soul 
 swallowed up in the love and service of God. Amen. 
 
 30. (Sunday.) After breakfasting with went 
 
 down with him to Mitcham. Felt some pain at observing 
 in him a tendency to laxity in certain points of doctrine. 
 Preached at Mitcham church. Returning towards town 
 in the evening we stopped at Clapham church, where, 
 though the service was begun, Mr. Venn begged me so 
 much to preach, that I did on 1 Cor. xxiii. 24. " We 
 preach," &c. to a very attentive people. Mr. Wilber- 
 force, Mr. H — and Mr. Thornton, &c. were there. 
 Spent the rest of the evening with Mr. Wilberforce. 
 
 July 1 . Came with Mr. Thornton to the Admiralty, 
 Lord Barham's, and took my leave. In my rooms read 
 Jon. Edwards, and 1 Sam. chiefly till Corrie called. In 
 the evening Corrie sat again with me and refreshed my 
 heart by spiritual conversation. At night in prayer, my 
 
1805] JOURNAL. 271 
 
 soul, with so much company and earthly work lately, 
 was tired, yet longed seemingly above all things, to 
 spend and to be spent for the Lord Jesus Christ. 
 
 2. Corrie breakfasted with me. We conversed 
 about the great work among the heathen. Read and 
 prayed. I did little more than write to K. and sit for 
 my miniature to the painter lady, who still repeated her 
 infidel cavils, having nothing more to say in the way of 
 argument, I thought it right to declare the threatenings 
 of God, to those who reject his Gospel. Our conver- 
 sation lasted for an hour and a half. Went to take 
 
 coach for M , but being too late, walked to London 
 
 bridge, where the sight of the shipping, as reminding me 
 of my approaching departure, was very agreeable to me. 
 
 3. Exceedingly w^eak in body, and uneasy in mind. 
 Felt the utmost reluctance to every exertion of either. 
 
 Went down to M in the coach. I could not bring 
 
 myself to open my mouth at all, the exertion seemed so 
 painful. I thought of Christ and the Samaritan woman, 
 but sense of duty did not prevail. If these people are 
 condemned at the day of judgment, and I w^ere bid to 
 see the consequences of neglecting to speak for their 
 souls, how should I be overwhelmed with shame and 
 confusion. God forgive me this sin. Lwas kept idle 
 and without communion with God ; w^hen I retired into 
 a room to pray I w^as interrupted, and w^hen I w^ent into 
 the garden I met with some of the walkers • However, 
 the Lord heard one or two ejaculations, and assisted my 
 soul to rise to the enjoyment of another world, yet not 
 to that steady sobriety which long communion with 
 God produces. In a solitary w^alkl had an opportunity 
 of calling upon God. I see very plainly that firmness 
 and dignity becomes a minister of the Gospel, and that 
 a deep impression of divine things always tends to pro- 
 duce it in me. " Let your speech be always with grace 
 seasoned with salt." " Let no man despise thee." 
 At night, when the day is over, I generally feel roused 
 to be fervent and animated in the service of Christ, and 
 to be always a burning light. 
 
27*2 JOURNAL. [1805 
 
 4. Walked before breakfast in the grounds, in a 
 sort of sorrowful solemnity, yet with much peace of 
 mind. In the family worship took my leave of them in 
 St. Paul's words, and " Now brethren, I commend 
 you," &c. What a world would this be, if there were 
 no God. Were not God the sovereign of the universe, 
 how miserable should I be ; but the Lord reigneth, let 
 the earth be glad. And Christ's cause shall prevail. 
 O my soul be happy in the prospect. As I sat this 
 evening reflecting on my perfect health, and the enjoy- 
 ment of every blessing, my base ingratitude for not 
 loving and praising God, struck me very much. Thou- 
 sands starving, thousands sick and forsaken, thousands 
 groaning under the devil's bondage, and I here unthank- 
 ful ! My soul may almost burst with astonishment at 
 its own wickedness, but at the same time trusting to 
 mercy, I will rise and go and try to make men happy. 
 The Lord God go with me. Let my right hand forget 
 his cunning, if I remember not Jerusalem above my 
 chief joy. 
 
 7. (Sunday.) Too much employed about sermon, 
 so as to have little time for reading and prayer before 
 church. This produced some humiliation. Preached a 
 farewell sermon at St. John's, on Acts xx. 32. to a large 
 and attentive congregation. Drank tea at Mr. Cecil's. 
 Read in the evening and received the benediction of many 
 people. My mind has been distracted to-day. How 
 little do people know what inward loneliness there is, 
 with all this noise and bustle about my going abroad. 
 
 that I could escape from the crowd and walk sweetly 
 alone with God. 
 
 July 8 to 10. I begin another book of my Journal, 
 but how doubtful is it, if I shall ever live to finish it ! 
 
 1 am now in my cabin, bound for India, soon to meet 
 new dangers and trials ; but happy is it for me that 
 through the mercy of God I feel safe in his protection. 
 The 8th I took leave of some friends, and sat for my 
 picture to Russel for Bates ; I left home about three 
 o'clock in W. H 's carriage, and reached Alton ; the 
 
1805] JOURNAL. 273 
 
 next day went to Midhurst, to visit Sargent ; felt much 
 sorrow at the thought of leaving such friends ; rode 
 back to Petersfield at night ; though I was in good health 
 a moment before, yet as I was undressing I fainted, and 
 fell into a convulsive fit ; I lost my senses for some 
 time, and on recovering a little, found myself in intense 
 pain. Death appeared near at hand, and seemed some- 
 what different and more terrible than I could have con- 
 ceived before, not in its conclusion, but in itself. I felt 
 assured of my safety in Christ. Slept very little that 
 night from extreme debility. 10th, I went to Ports- 
 mouth, where we arrived to breakfast, and found friends 
 from Cambridge. Went with my things on board the 
 Union at the Motherbank. Mr. Simeon read and prayed 
 in the afternoon, thinking I was to go on board for the 
 last time, Mr. Simeon first prayed and then myself. On 
 our way to the ship, we sung hymns. The time was 
 exceedingly solemn, and our hearts seemed filled with 
 solemn joy. I slept on board for the first time, but got 
 little sleep, from a headache, and the various noises 
 on board. Rose at four the next morning, in ex- 
 pectation of the return of my friends, but they did not 
 come till late. I passed my time in thinking on Matt. 
 V. 3. Went ashore with them to the Isle of Wight, 
 and dined at St. John's, after which the party rode to 
 see the grounds, and those of Sir Nash Grose. I endea- 
 voured to have my mind right in all this. Slept on 
 board. 
 
 14. (Sunday) Friends came on board early, I read 
 and preached on Matt. v. 2 — 4. to the ship's company, 
 passengers, soldiers, &c. Dined ashore. On our return 
 in the evening, Mr. Simeon read and preached. I went 
 ashore with them in the evening, much against my will, 
 but was enlivened and refreshed in my spirit, as we 
 sung hymns by moonlight on the water. 
 
 15. Mr. Simeon read 1 Peter i. and I prayed with 
 some degree of solemnity. We walked to see the dock- 
 yard, and the hulks. I found no sort of amusement 
 in it, because mv heart was near to God. 
 
274 LETTER. [1805 
 
 Portsmouth, July 15, 1805. 
 My dear Cousins, 
 I went on board on Friday, expecting to sail imme- 
 diately, but we have since been informed that government 
 will not suffer us to depart till tidings shall have been 
 received from Lord Nelson. I make haste therefore to 
 request you will send me another letter, directed to me 
 on board the Union, East Indiaman. Yesterday morn- 
 ing I read the service and preached on deck to the ship's 
 crew. My text was Matt. v. 2 — 4. Every thing was con- 
 ducted with the utmost decorum. Mr. Simeon preached 
 to them in the evening. There was the utmost atten- 
 tion, and one of the officers was in tears. I have gene- 
 rally lived on board since my arrival, and find my cabin 
 as comfortable as my room in college, but my numerous 
 friends here from Cambridge and London are conti- 
 nually bringing me ashore. I am through mercy very 
 W'cll, but on the road down as I was undressing at night 
 I fainted, fell into convulsions and lost my senses. The 
 fit did not last long ; it was brought on probably by 
 fatigue of mind and body. But how frail is my life. 
 I thought then that I was dying, but it pleases God to 
 uphold me from day to day. May he also give me 
 grace to devote myself anew to his service. God bless 
 you, my beloved friends, remember me sometimes in 
 your prayers. 
 
 I remain now as ever, affectionately yours, 
 
 H. Martyn. 
 
 16. The Commodore called at the inn to desire that 
 all persons might be awaked, as the fleet w-ould sail 
 to-day, in consequence of which we went immediately 
 after breakfast to the quay, to go aboard in the purser's 
 boat ; but after waiting five hours, Mr. Simeon took 
 his last leave of me in the most affecting manner, and 
 the rest accompanied me on board. My thoughts, as we 
 rowed, were solemn, the levity of the people in the boat, 
 and the swearing, (for others besides ourselves w^ere in it,) 
 
1805] JOURNAL. 275 
 
 depressed me ; but the thought that the Lord Jesus was 
 a friend with whom I could enjoy communion in every 
 company was like a reviving cordial. My dear friends, 
 after staying on board a few hours took their leave, not 
 as if for the last time, except , whose conversa- 
 tion at the last was not such as I wished it to be. The 
 Lord help him to have right views of that truth he is 
 seeking. 
 
 17. Early in the morning I was awakened by the 
 signal gun from the commander of the convoy, Captain 
 Byng, and found when I got up that we had weighed 
 anchor from St. Helen's, and were now at the back of 
 the Isle of Wight ; so I had bid adieu to my dear 
 friends for the last time. Most of the rest of the day 
 I was so sick that I could neither read nor take any 
 exercise, but I found comfort in fleeing to my only 
 friend, now all others had left me ; the Lord was very 
 merciful to me in keeping my soul when I was so little 
 able to use the means. 
 
 18. Rose still troubled with sickness ; was obliged to 
 pass the morning in the poop, able neither to walk nor 
 read, but towards the middle of the day grew better. The 
 weather was exceedingly fine. As w^e came off Plymouth 
 to-day, I wished to pray for my dear cousins there, 
 but could not venture to go to my cabin. However, 
 after dinner read several chapters, and had a blessed 
 season of prayer, in which I had something more of the 
 presence of God than for a good w^hile past. But I 
 found it hard to realize divine things. I was more 
 tried w^ith desires after the world, than for two years 
 past. The coast of Devonshire and Cornwall was pass- 
 ing before me. The memory of the beloved friends 
 there was very strong and affecting ; the* sea-sickness, 
 and the smell of the ship, made me feel very miserable, 
 and the prospect of leaving all the comforts and com- 
 munion of saints in England, and to go forth to an 
 unknown land, to endure such illness and misery with 
 ungodly men for so many months, weighed heavy on my 
 spirits. My heart was almost ready to break. I thought 
 
 T 2 
 
276 JOURNAL. [1805 
 
 I was the most forlorn and forsaken creature upon 
 earth, excluded from all hopes of happiness on this side 
 the grave, so atheistical and blind was I. In prayer for 
 some time I could not realize the same sort of thoughts 
 I had when ashore, things appeared different. No sweet 
 thoughts of the near approach of eternity and the pre- 
 sence of God ; no animating prospect of a work of grace 
 among the heathen: but human life seemed only a suc- 
 cession of miseries. By continual prayer with the word 
 of God, my spirit became more serious and fervent. The 
 example of Jesus and the saints, the vanity of the 
 enjoyments which the children of God have even in 
 England, and the melancholy state of the heathen, were 
 the most powerful motives that suggested themselves. 
 Was grieved to hear the captain swear : the surgeon I 
 found by conversation to be a sort of religious man. 
 Had some serious conversation with one of the cadets, 
 and afterwards in the cabin. A cutter from Cowes 
 came alongside, and brought Mr. Simeon's present of 
 Bibles and other things. 
 
 19. In prayer after breakfast, my soul gained some- 
 thing in spirituality. Little done this morning, and 
 partly on account of the interest with which I watched 
 the shore, as it appeared more and more. Carn- 
 math first caught my eye, and led me to think of 
 my dear sister particularly ; then the Lizard. As we 
 were at dinner, the ship came round St. Anthony's, 
 and soon after we came to anchor off Falmouth. 
 The Diana coming in soon after, ran aground, and 
 hoisted the union midway up the main mast, as a 
 signal of distress. Three others also of our ships ran 
 aground, but got off ; one ran foul of the Commodore, 
 and carried away his jib-boom. In the midst of all this 
 we were mercifully preserved ; but our captain, to my 
 great grief, swore repeatedly on account of the great 
 danger of bringing so many ships to so small a place. 
 I was affected almost to tears, at being so disappointed 
 in him, but did not think it expedient in the hurry to 
 tell him of it. May God convince him of his sin when 
 
1805] JOURNAL. 277 
 
 I shall speak to him, or before. Passed the afternoon 
 writing to all my friends round about, desiring them to 
 come and see me. I seemed to be entirely at home, 
 the scene about me was so familiar, and my friends so 
 near. I was rather flurried at the singularity of this 
 providence of God, in thus leading me once more to the 
 bosom of all my friends : may the Lord glorify himself 
 in this and every other dispensation ; found myself after 
 tea in a happy frame of mind. For the first time I had 
 forgot health, and ease of body, since I have been at 
 sea. I walked on deck, endeavouring to think on these 
 words, *' To me to live is Christ," and found my mind 
 easily fixing on heavenly things, notwithstanding all the 
 noise and confusion. The evening is a time of great 
 idleness and noise on board, all are talking and laugh- 
 ing. The soldiers doing nothing but jeering one ano- 
 ther, and swearing. The passengers lounging about, 
 or sitting on chairs under the poop, the drums and fifes 
 constantly playing. Mr. Kearie joined me, so that I 
 had not long to meditate, but endeavoured to assist him 
 to the best of my power in his Christian course. My 
 ears are constantly assailed and shocked by the most 
 horrid oaths, and I see no method of putting a stop to 
 it, except by perseverance and preaching the gospel to 
 them. Outward restrictions would do little if they 
 could be applied ; but as the captain and the command- 
 ing officers on board sanction it by their own example, 
 no attempt can be made in that way ; the Lord give me 
 compassion for their souls. 
 
 20. Read some of Whitfield's Journal, and found 
 it a greater spur than any I have received a long 
 time. A young man only twenty-three preaching the 
 gospel to crowded congregations in London, and then 
 going to Georgia. I have thought with exceeding ten- 
 derness of Lydia to-day ; how I long to see her, but if it 
 it be the Lord's will, he will open a way. I shall not 
 take any steps to produce a meeting. Was sensible 
 of an instance of pride to-day, in being ashamed of 
 being seen by the ship's passengers, in company with 
 
278 LETTER. [1805 
 
 one of the children of God, who appeared a mean per- 
 son ; but there is nothing too contemptible for me to 
 conceive in my heart. May I be humbled on account 
 of this sin. 
 
 Falmouth, July 20, 1805. 
 My dear Cousin, 
 
 We sailed from St. Helen's at day-break last 
 Wednesday morning, and to my no small surprise, I 
 found we were bound to Falmouth. After a pleasant 
 passage down the channel, we came to in this harbour 
 yesterday evening, and are ordered to continue till 
 accounts shall be received of the combined fleets. 
 You will easily conceive my feelings at being thus 
 brought once again to my friends ; what the design of 
 God is in this providence, I am at a loss to understand. 
 May it be for the mutual establishment and comfort 
 both of them and me. # # # On passing 
 
 Plymouth, we were too far from the shore to distinguish 
 the houses. I tried my spy-glass in vain, it would not 
 bring you nearer, but my heart was with you, and I 
 retired to my cabin to pray for you both. ^ # * 
 You will have time now, I think, to send me a letter, 
 and I need not assure you how acceptable it will be. I 
 have sent a short letter to my cousin at Marazion. 
 How happy should I be if she should be able to come 
 part of the way to Falmouth to see me. But I pray 
 that my heart may not again rove in pursuit of earthly 
 comfort, and so subject me to new affliction. 
 
 I remain, &c. 
 
 21. (Thursday.) Had some fervour this morning 
 in praying for zeal : on account of the rain, the captain 
 said it was inconvenient to have divine service in the 
 morning, so I went ashore as soon as I could, and 
 arrived just in time to hear the latter part of the sermon, 
 *' On the excellency and knowledge of Christ Jesus our 
 Lord." In the afternoon I preached at Falmouth 
 church, on the jailor ; the Lord assisted me beyond all 
 
1805] JOURNAL. 279 
 
 my fears. Immediately after, I went on board, and 
 preached on " The faithful saying," with more love in 
 my heart, than I ever yet enjoyed in preaching. The 
 general attention was very striking. Most of the cadets 
 and officers went on shore. Lent some of the tracts 
 to-day, and one Testament. God has been exceedingly 
 gracious and merciful to me this day. Oh, may I be 
 more thankful, and devote myself more unreservedly to 
 his blessed service. I am still thinking with exceeding 
 tenderness of Lydia, and have been strongly induced to 
 go to her, but I dare not ; let the Lord open the way, 
 if it is his will. 
 
 22. Another idle day ; oh, how great is the sum of 
 my mis-spent hours, when every moment ought to be 
 charged with important work. After much deliberation, 
 and waiting till the evening mail came in, and calling 
 on the Commodore, I determined to go to Marazion on 
 the morrow. Went to bed with much thought about 
 the step I was going to take, and prayed that if it was 
 not the will of God it might be prevented. Early on 
 the 25th w^ent in the mail to Marazion ; all the way I 
 was speaking to the two coachmen, and thought they 
 w^ere much affected. I arrived at Marazion in time for 
 breakfast, and met my beloved Lydia. In the course of 
 the morning I walked with her, though not uninterrupt- 
 edly ; with much confusion I declared my affection for 
 her, with the intention of learning whether, if ever I 
 saw it right in India to be married, she would come out; 
 but she would not declare her sentiments, she said that 
 the shortness of arrangement was an obstacle, even if 
 all others were removed. In great tumult I walked up 
 to St. Hilary, whence, after dining, I returned to Mr. 
 Grenfell's, but on account of the number of persons 
 there, I had not an opportunity of being alone with 
 Lydia. Went back to Falmouth with G. I was more 
 disposed to talk of Lydia all the way, but roused myself 
 to a sense of my duty, and addressed him on the subject 
 of religion. The next day I was exceedingly melan- 
 choly at what had taken place between Lydia and 
 
280 LETTER. [1805 
 
 myself, and at the thought of being separated from her. 
 I could not bring myself to believe that God had settled 
 the whole matter, because I was not willing to believe it. 
 The day after being Saturday, I was employed diligently 
 in preparing for to-morrow% and my mind was less the 
 subject of distracting thoughts. 
 
 To Miss Lydia Grenfell, Marazion. 
 
 July 27, 1805. Union, Falmouth Harbour. 
 
 ^ "* ^ As I was coming on board this 
 
 morning, and reading Mr. Serle's Hymn you wrote out 
 for me, a sudden gust of wind blew it into the sea. I 
 made the boatmen immediately heave to, and recovered 
 it, happily without any injury except what it had received 
 from the sea. I should have told you that the Morning 
 Hymn, which I always kept carefully in my pocket-book, 
 was one day stolen with it, and other valuable letters, 
 from my rooms in college. It would be extremely 
 gratifying to me to possess another copy of it, as it 
 always reminded me most forcibly of the happy day, on 
 which we visited the aged saint. The fleet, it is said, 
 will not sail for three vfeeks, but if you are willing to 
 employ any of your time in providing me with this or 
 any other MS. hymns, the sooner you write them, the 
 more certain I shall be of receiving them. Pardon me 
 for thus intruding on your time ; you will in no wise lose 
 your reward. The encouragement conveyed in little 
 compositions of this sort is more refreshing than a cup 
 of cold water. The Lord of the harvest who is sending 
 forth me, who am most trulv less than the least of all 
 saints, will reward you for being willing to help forward 
 even the meanest of his servants. The love which you 
 bear to the cause of Christ, as w^ell as motives of pri- 
 vate friendship, will, I trust, induce you to commend 
 me to God, and to the word of his grace, at those sacred 
 moments when you approach the throne of our covenant 
 God. To his gracious care I commend you. . May you 
 
1805] JOURNAL. 281 
 
 long live happy and holy, daily growing more meet for 
 the inljeritance of the saints in light. I remain with 
 affectionate regard, 
 
 Your's most truly, 
 
 H. Martyn. 
 
 28. (Sunday.) Preached in the morning, on board, 
 on John iii. 3. In the afternoon at Falmouth church, 
 on 1 Cor. i. 20—26. 
 
 29. My gloom returned. Walked to Lamorran ; 
 alternately repining at my dispensation, and giving it up 
 to the Lord. Sometimes, after thinking of Lydia for a 
 long time together, so as to feel almost outrageous at 
 being deprived of her, my soul would feel its guilt and 
 flee again to God. I was much relieved at intervals by 
 learning the hymn, * The God of Abram praise.' 
 
 To Mrs. H— ~. 
 
 The consequence of my Marazion journey is, that I 
 am enveloped in gloom ; but past experience assures me 
 it will be removed. I have taken every step that I con- 
 ceive right, and now I leave the whole matter with the 
 Lord. May he give me grace to turn cheerfully to my 
 proper work and business, in respect of which all others 
 sink into comparative insignificance. If she would 
 prove a real blessing, it is not for me to complain of 
 God, or of her, that she is withheld. # * * 
 
 With the assurance of his love, I know that all things 
 work together for good, and with this I may be satisfied ; 
 yet nature mourns, restless at being contradicted. 
 Another consequence of my journey is, that I love Lydia 
 more than ever. 
 
 30. Dined at Mr. H 's, and walked in the even- 
 ing with his daughters. Then visited a sick man, and 
 prayed with him. Waited afterwards, in great fatigue 
 of body, and almost stupid with agitation of mind, ex- 
 pecting to go on board for the last time ; but no boat 
 
282 JOURNAL. [1805 
 
 coming, I went back to Mr. R.'s, about midnight, and 
 slept a little ; the prayer at night was a little relief. 
 I lay down in the enjoyment of the consolations of 
 Jesus, but rose very early at the sound of the signal 
 guns, as miserable as ever. 
 
 31 . Went on board this morning in extreme anguish. 
 I could not help saying, Lord, it is not a sinful attach- 
 ment in itself, and therefore I may commune more freely 
 with thee about it. I sought for hymns suitable to my 
 case, but none did sufficiently ; most complained of 
 spiritual distress, but mine was not from any doubt of 
 God's favour, for I felt no doubt of that ; but in the 
 afternoon, it pleased God to give me a holy and blessed 
 season in prayer, in which my soul recovered much of 
 its wonted peace, and began to turn with more relish 
 to spiritual things. In the afternoon went ashore in the 
 hopes of finding a letter, but there was none, nor did I 
 see any of my friends. Left England as I suppose for 
 the last time, with somewhat less horror than in the 
 morning, but still not without much grief. Prayer, 
 again, was a rich and comfortable ordinance^ still my 
 heart is sore and in pain. 
 
 Aug. 1. Rose in great anguish of mind, but prayer 
 relieved me a little. The wind continuing foul, I went 
 ashore after breakfast ; but before this, sat down to 
 write to Lydia, hoping to relieve the burden of my 
 mind. I wrote in great turbulence, but in a little time 
 my tumult unaccountably subsided, and I enjoyed a 
 peace to w^iich I have been for some time a stranger. 
 I felt exceedingly willing to leave her, and to go on my 
 way rejoicing. I could not account for this except by 
 ascribing it to the gracious influence of God. The first 
 few Psalms were exceedingly comfortable to me. Re- 
 ceived a letter this evening from E , and received it 
 
 as from God ; I was animated before, but this added 
 tenfold encouragement. She warned me, from experi- 
 ence, of the carefulness it would bring upon me ; but 
 spoke with such sympathy and tenderness, that my 
 heart was quite refreshed. I bowed my knees to bless 
 
1805] JOURNAL. , 283 
 
 and adore God for it, and devoted myself anew to his 
 beloved service. Went on board at night, the sea ran 
 high, but I felt a sweet tranquillity in Him who stilleth 
 the raging of the sea. I was delighted to find that the 
 Lascars understood me perfectly when I spoke to them 
 a sentence or two in Hindoostanee. I asked them if they 
 knew who Jesus Christ was ? They said, No. I told 
 them he came into the world to save sinners : they 
 smiled among one another, saying, Neha, neha, — well, 
 well. 
 
 2. Continued on board all day, expecting to sail 
 every hour. Unbelieving and dejected at rising ; but 
 obtained refreshment by prayer. My soul, though a 
 little sorrowful, yet was impressed with holy solemnity, 
 while walking up and down the poop repeating hymns. 
 Talked a good deal to the sentry there. In the afternoon, 
 read Edwards's Sermons, learnt Hindoostanee roots, 
 and tried to converse a little with the Lascars. Talked a 
 
 great deal with Ensign B , and Major D , on 
 
 religion, the former seems exceedingly opposed, the 
 latter very different. My time passes happily with 
 God ; I have no other companion. 
 
 3. Rose with rather greater tranquillity, but my feel- 
 ings before prayer are a striking evidence to myself of 
 my natural corruption. How miserable and restless 
 should I be without the powerful Spirit of God restoring 
 and encouraging me. Lost much time by being called 
 out incessantly by the various signals and reports about 
 sailing. Endeavoured to pass my time at intervals in 
 reading and prayer. After a signal made by the Com- 
 modore for all the Captains to come on board of him, 
 we learnt that we were to wait the motions of the 
 Brest fleet, as we might be of use in assisting against 
 them. In consequence every man's station was ap- 
 pointed in case of battle ; mine is with the surgeons in 
 the cockpit. I feel so indifferent whether death or life 
 awaits me, that I have no fear at being exposed upon 
 deck. One of the soldiers asked me this morning for a 
 book, and I gave him a Testament, several tracts, and 
 
284 JOURNAL. [1805 
 
 a hymn-book, and a book of prayers. Gave the Cap- 
 tain a tract on swearing ; had a long conversation with a 
 company's surgeon on the Madras establishment, who 
 said he committed no sin at all. Continued to have 
 happy seasons of prayer, especially after every meal. A 
 soldier, to-day, fell down the fore hatch-way, and was let 
 blood ; he was too ill to be spoken to, but by going to 
 see him, I had an opportunity of being amongst the 
 women, and found I should be easily able to read to 
 them, without being disturbed, as they were about the 
 middle of the ship, directly under the main hatch-way. 
 B. put a letter into my hand written by himself, des- 
 cribing with much simple propriety, his spiritual cir- 
 cumstances, of which he could find no opportunity of 
 speaking immediately to me, on account of the crowded 
 state of the ship. Walked on the poop this evening, 
 enjoying the serenity of the weather ; heard the carpen- 
 ter's mate complaining he had never yet known what it 
 was to be happy. I pointed out to him the path of life, 
 in which he would soon be happy ; I told him, moreover, 
 that I should wish to talk with him more hereafter upon 
 the subject, of which he said he should be glad. The 
 attention of the ship seems all alive at the unexpected 
 prospect of being engaged in battle, but I felt very little 
 concerned indeed. In the midst of the bustle, I found 
 a sort of melancholy pleasure in repeating the hymn, 
 * The God of Abram praise,' &c. Heard that B. 
 generally began to swear after divine service, at my 
 keeping them so long. I have scarcely seen one more 
 determinately set against all holiness. Yet even this 
 man may be the first to melt when God puts forth his 
 hand. At night, after supper, at which I was not per- 
 sent, they began to sing songs, to my no small annoy- 
 ance. Their mistaken efforts after happiness excited my 
 compassion in a little degree : but I want more zeal 
 and love to souls. In every prayer I see occasion to cry 
 to God to rouse me to earnestness and fervour. The 
 example of Whitfield has been made of great use to me 
 in this respect. I want, when I walk the deck, to have 
 
1805] JOURNAL. 285 
 
 my heart melted at the sight of so many poor sheep all 
 going astray. 
 
 4. (Sunday.) Very heavy. Preached on 2 Cor. v. 
 20, 21. with more life than I expected. I waited on 
 board the rest of the day, to be at hand if there should 
 be evening service ; but towards night it blew a heavy 
 squall to the south, attended with rain. I w^as in great 
 dejection, but the 2nd of Micah was much blest to me. 
 I rejoiced with great joy at the prospect of the future 
 happiness and peace of the church ; — I shall never see it 
 upon earth. But if it shall take place here ! — much more 
 in heaven. From the violence of the gale every part of 
 the ship was in confusion, by their using the necessary 
 precautions, so that I went below to the soldiers' berths, 
 in hopes of being able to read to them, — I found it im- 
 possible. Conversed with Corporal B. The poor man 
 w^as in very low spirits ; but I tried to revive him, and 
 by so doing refreshed myself. We stood together at the 
 main hatchway looking w^istfully at the raging sea, and 
 sighed at thinking of the happy societies of God's peo- 
 ple, who w^re now joining in sweet communion together, 
 in public worship. The ship is a melancholy sight on 
 the Sabbath. They read all manner of things on deck 
 immediately before service ; and directly after turn to the 
 same sort of employment. I am in some hopes that 
 swearing does not abound quite so much. 
 
 5. For want of sleep in the night, rose unrefreshed. 
 Very dull in prayer for a time, but by taking the Bible 
 itself before me, my soul was enabled to spread its wants 
 more freely. Went ashore. Walked to Pendennis 
 garrison ; enjoyed some happy reflections as I sat on one 
 of the ramparts looking at the ships and sea. But could 
 not help feeling my own depravity, that with so much 
 to call forth continual praise and prayer, I should forget 
 God so easily, and be so slowly induced to seek after 
 him. The Lascars, who brought us ashore, seemed so 
 interesting in their countenances and manner, that I 
 longed to know the language, so as to preach the gos- 
 pel to them, and looked forward with great pleasure to 
 
286 LETTER. [1805 
 
 living among them. Dined at , and after dinner, 
 
 enjoyed nearness to God in prayer. Called afterwards 
 on Miss D. an aged saint, and then went on board. 
 
 Falmouth J Aug. 5, 1805. 
 My dear Brother, 
 After the many farewels you have received from me, 
 you are surprised, though not, I am willing to hope, 
 displeased, at hearing once more from me. Immediately 
 after my last letter I went on board, supposing that by 
 this time we should be many leagues at sea ; but the 
 wind veered, and blew strong from the S. and S. W. 
 the whole week till Saturday, when the Commodore, in 
 consequence of an express he had received, sent for all 
 the Captains in the fleet, to inform them that government 
 wished to muster all the effective force in the channel, 
 to oppose the Brest fleet, which it was supposed would 
 be soon out. The delay occasioned by this new order is 
 unlimited, and occasions much discontent in the fleet ; 
 but I find continual satisfaction in recurring to the first 
 Great Cause of all these events — only I sometimes doubt 
 whether it is ever destined for me to visit the shores of 
 India. The belief generally prevails amongst us that 
 the troops on board are intended to co-operate in taking 
 the Cape of Good Hope ; and that w^e are to wait off 
 Ireland to join another fleet. These reports have set 
 the minds of our young men afloat ; and I cannot w^alk 
 the deck without interfering with knots of consulting 
 politicians ; my own mind is not much disturbed with 
 speculation on human events at this time. I find the 
 words of that hymn which I have met with in your little 
 book far more in unison with my feelings, 
 
 ' From earth I rise. 
 
 And seek the joys 
 
 At his right hand : 
 
 I all on earth forsake ; 
 
 Its wisdom, fame and power, 
 
 And Him my only portion make, 
 
 My shield and tower.' 
 
1805] JOURNAL. 287 
 
 I have little expectation of finding a letter from Stoke 
 to-night, though wishes often become expectations. I 
 am afraid of troubling you by requesting such frequent 
 letters from you both, but the opportunities will soon 
 cease. I never forget to remember you twice a day in 
 my prayers. Do you kindly continue your occasional 
 intercessions for your unworthy brother and fellow- 
 labourer in the gospel. 
 
 I remain with affectionate regard, 
 
 Your's in our blessed Lord, 
 
 H. Martyn. 
 
 6 to 10. I am now at sea in a melancholy state of 
 body and mind. The 6th I passed on shore writing 
 letters. Meeting with Mr. T. I walked with him, 
 and endeavoured to explain the system of divine truth. 
 Dined at Mr. H.'s. My mind was in general in a 
 very cold state, indisposed for spiritual conversation. 
 In the evening the whole family walked. I was in the 
 walk a little elevated in my thoughts, and as I stood on 
 the shore near the Swan-pool, looked forward with de- 
 light to passing the great deep for the sake of the poor 
 heathen. 7th, Preached at Falmouth church on Psalm iii. 
 1 . with much comfort ; after church set off to walk to St. 
 Hilary. Reached Hilaton in three hours in extraordi- 
 nary spirits. The joy of my soul was very great. Every 
 object around me called forth praise and gratitude to 
 God. Perhaps it might have been joy at the prospect 
 of seeing Lydia, but I asked myself at the time^ whether 
 out of love to God, I was willing to turn back and 
 see her no more. I persuaded myself that I could. 
 But perhaps had I been put to the trial, it would 
 have been otherwise. I arrived safe at St. Hilarv, 
 
 and passed the evening agreeably with R . 8th. 
 
 Enjoyed much of the presence of God in morn- 
 ing prayer. The morning passed profitably in writing 
 on Heb. ii. 3. My soul seemed to breathe seriously 
 after God. Walked down with R. to Gurlyn to call on 
 Lydia. She was not at home when we called, so I 
 
288 JOURNAL. [1805 
 
 walked out to meet her. When I met her coming up 
 the hill, I was almost induced to believe her more in- 
 terested about me than I had conceived. Went away 
 in the expectation of visiting her frequently, but on our 
 return to St. Hilary, I found an express for me from 
 Falmouth, with notice that orders had arrived for the 
 fleet's sailing. So I returned in the mail to Falmouth, 
 in no small disappointment ; and yet much pleased and 
 satisfied with the discovery which I thought I had 
 made this morning. My mind was so full of it, that 
 I made no effort to speak to the coachman and 
 others on divine things ; what I said was to little 
 purpose, I thought at the time, it was the last oppor- 
 tunity I should ever have with them, and yet I could 
 not overcome my reluctance to speak. O may I trem- 
 ble for the future to indulge such sinful neglects. 
 9th. Found this morning, that orders had been re- 
 ceived last night for the detention of the fleet, on 
 account of the Rochefort squadrons being out. In 
 consequence of which, I set off again for St. HD.ary, 
 though not without some hesitation. Walked to Pol- 
 kerris, in the rain, about eight miles, with my mind 
 very uneasy, lest I was not in the way of duty. Met 
 with a blind old man standing under a tree, with whom 
 I had a very interesting conversation. I was quite 
 melted into tears at finding such a subject of the Spirit 
 of God in such a wilderness ; at Polkerris I waited for 
 R. from St. Hilary, in a house, and had much spiritual 
 conversation with the old people. Rode on Richard's 
 horse to St. Hilary ; called on my way at Gurlyn. My 
 mind not in peace ; at night in prayer, my soul was 
 much overwhelmed with fear, which caused me to ap- 
 proach God in fervent petition, that he would make me 
 perfectly upright, and my walk consistent with the high 
 character I am called to assume. 
 
 10. Rose very early, with uneasiness increased by 
 seeing the wind northerly ; walked away at seven to 
 Gatzyn, feeling little or no pleasure at the thought of 
 seeing Lydia , apprehension about tbe sailing of the fleet, 
 
1805] JOURNAL, 289 
 
 made me dreadfully uneasy ; was with Lydia a short 
 time before breakfast ; afterwards I read the 10th Psalm, 
 with Home's Commentary, to her and her mother ; she 
 was then just putting into my hand the 10th of Genesis to 
 read, when a servant came in, and said a horse was 
 come for me from St. Hilary, where a carriage was 
 waiting to convey me to Falmouth. All my painful 
 presentiments w^ere thus realized, and it came upon me 
 like a thunderbolt. Lydia was evidently painfully 
 affected by it, she came out, that we might be alone at 
 taking leave, and I then told her, that if it should 
 appear to be God's will that I should be married, she 
 must not be offended at receiving a letter from me. In 
 the great hurry she discovered more of her mind than 
 she intended ; she made no objection whatever to coming 
 out. Thinking, perhaps, I wished to make an engage- 
 ment with her, she said we had better go quite free ; 
 with this I left her, not knowing yet for what purpose I 
 have been permitted, by an unexpected providence, to 
 enjoy these interviews. I galloped back to St. Hilary, 
 and instantly got into a chaise with Mr. R. who had 
 been awaked by the signal gun at five in the morning, 
 and had come for me. At Hildon I got a horse, with 
 which I rode to Falmouth, meeting on the road another 
 
 express sent after me by R . I arrived about tw^elve, 
 
 and instantly went on board ; almost all the other ships 
 were under weigh, but the Union had got entangled in 
 the chains. The Commodore expressed his anger as he 
 passed, at this delay, but I blessed the Lord, w^ho had 
 thus saved his poor creature from shame and trouble. 
 How delusive are schemes of pleasure ; at nine in the 
 morning I was sitting at ease, with the person dearest 
 to me on earth, intending to go out with her afterwards 
 to see the different views, to visit some persons with 
 her, and to preach on the morrow ; four hours only 
 elapsed, and I was under sail from England ! The 
 anxiety to get on board, and the joy I felt at not being 
 left behind, absorbed other sorrowful considerations for 
 a time ; wrote several letters as soon as I was on board. 
 
 u 
 
290 JOURNAL. [1805 
 
 When I was left a little at leisure, my spirits began to 
 sink ; yet how backward was I to draw near to my God. 
 I found relief occasionally, yet still was slow to fly to 
 this refuge of my weary soul. Was meditating on a 
 subject for to-morrow. As more of the land gradually 
 appeared behind the Lizard, I watched with my spy- 
 glass for the mound, but in consequence of lying to for 
 the purser, and thus dropping astern of the fleet, 
 night came on before we w^eathered the point. Oh, let 
 not my soul be deceived and distracted by these foolish 
 vanities, but now that I am actually embarked in 
 Christ's cause, let a peculiar unction rest upon my soul, 
 to wean me from the world, and to inspire me with 
 ardent zeal for the good of souls. 
 
 Union, Falmouth, August 10, 1805. 
 My dear Miss Lydia, 
 
 It will perhaps be some satisfaction to yourself and 
 your mother, to know that I was in time. Our ship 
 was entangled in the chain, and was by that means the 
 only one not under v;eigh when I arrived. It seems 
 that most of the people on board had given me up, and 
 did not mean to wait for me. I cannot but feel sen- 
 sibly this instance of divine mercy in thus preserving me 
 from the great trouble that would have attended the loss 
 of my passage. Mount's Bay will soon be in sight, and 
 recal you all once more to my affectionate remem- 
 brance. # * # # =5^ 
 
 I bid you a long Farewell. God ever bless you, and 
 help you sometimes to intercede for me. 
 
 H. Martyn. 
 
 Union, August 10, 1805. 
 My dearest Cousin, 
 
 We are at last under sail, the pilot will carry back 
 my last farewell to you. This morning at nine o'clock, 
 I had just finished reading ' Home on the Psalms,' to 
 Lydia and your mother at Gurlyn, when a messenger 
 from St, Hilary brought an account of an express from 
 
1805] LETTERS. 291 
 
 Falmouth ; how delusive are our schemes of delight. It 
 was hut yesterday that I went to St. Hilary ; this mor- 
 ning after breakfast, Lydia and myself were to have 
 taken a walk to view the grounds, and then to 
 
 have gone to T ; then to-morrow I was to have 
 
 preached at St. Hilary and Marazion, but four hours 
 only have elapsed, and the shores of England are reced- 
 ing from my sight. But I bless God for having sent 
 the fleet into Falmouth ; I go with far greater content- 
 ment and peace than when I left Portsmouth ; the Lord 
 will do all things well, and with him I cheerfully leave 
 the management of this and every other affair for time 
 and eternity through Jesus Christ. And now with 
 gratitude to you for your kind counsel and sympathizing 
 affection, I bid you once more adieu. May God bless 
 my dear brother in his ministry, and bless you both in 
 your family and in your own souls ; this is my daily 
 prayer, and will continue to be so. Pray that a more 
 peculiar unction may be vouchsafed to me, now that I 
 am actually embarked in the cause of Christ, and that I 
 may not go forth in vain. May the Lord prosper his 
 word in the thing whereunto he sends it. It will be a 
 bitter disappointment if I do not receive letters from you 
 both by the next fleet. I have not a moment more. I 
 subscribe my name for the last time in England. 
 
 Your's with everlasting affection, 
 
 H. Martyn. 
 
 11. (Sunday.) Rose dejected in spirit. (Vide Me- 
 moir.) In conversation with the captain, I learnt that 
 we were to have service only once a day at sea ; I could 
 not conceal my chagrin, and he assigned as the reason, 
 that the men who had to keep watch in the night, were 
 obliged to take rest in the evening. My chief hopes of 
 a change in the ship, must, under God, depend on pri- 
 vate exhortation and reading among the soldiers and 
 sailors. Had a little conversation with the Italians, in 
 French, and lent one a French Testament ; he was a 
 Roman Catholic, very ignorant, worshipped images, 
 
 u 2 
 
292 JOURNAL. [1805 
 
 and the Virgin Mary, he said, but would not use auri- 
 cular confession. 
 
 12. A day of the most severe trial to me; was 
 vomiting all the morning, this rendered me incapable of 
 removing by prayer or reading, the dreadful gloom that 
 hung upon my mind : not a ray of pleasure or even hope 
 appeared in any quarter. England had disappeared, 
 and with it all my peace ; the memory of Lydia, and all 
 the dear Christian friends in England, cut me to the 
 heart every moment. Every wave produced vertigo and 
 sickness in the body, and what was more painful, bore 
 me farther and farther from Lydia : towards evening 
 found it best to stand upon deck, looking at the waves, 
 and the other ships in the fleet : the beauties of the set- 
 ting sun, though it tinged the sky with those colours 
 which have often delighted me on shore, had no longer 
 any power to charm me. I found a short relief at inter- 
 vals, in thinking of the realms of glory, which I hoped 
 I should one day see, and be free from sickness and 
 sorrow, but faith was not in lively exercise. The pains 
 of memory were all that I felt. Till bed- time I passed 
 the hours away with reading some of the most sorrowful 
 Psalms, and those hymns which were most suitable to 
 me. I was almost the whole day engaged in ejacula- 
 tory prayer to God, but it was without power. Kneel- 
 ing brought on retching immediately. No thoughts, but 
 those of God's tenderest love and kindness could I have 
 borne. Would you go back, I said, and leave the poor 
 heathen to perish, now that they are, as it were, looking 
 out with anxious expectation for glad tidings of eternal 
 joy? Oh no, but how can I be supported ? I now find 
 by experience, that I am weak as water. My faith 
 fails, nothing seems destined for me now, but to drag 
 on a miserable existence. Oh, my dear friends in 
 England, while in the midst of health, and joy, and 
 hope, what an imperfect idea did we form of the suffer- 
 ings by which it must be accomplished ! Throughout 
 the whole of this day, the want of Christian society, or 
 of any friend with whom I could converse, made me 
 
1805] JOURNAL. 293 
 
 scarcely doubt of sending for Lydia, immediately on my 
 arrival in India. I almost think I should before that, 
 only that I may perhaps never arrive ; and besides, I am 
 determined by the help of God to give it a fair trial, 
 and learn his will more perfectly. We continued steer- 
 ing for Cork, within a few points of the wind, in conse- 
 quence of which we made little head-way, though the 
 breeze was very fresh. Went to bed very sick. 
 
 13. Rose much better, had a most comfortable sea- 
 son in prayer for an hour after breakfast, and passed the 
 remainder of the morning in thinking on Psalm 1. 21. 
 Went about among the soldiers in the afternoon, accor- 
 ding to my plan, but found no opportunity of speaking 
 to them. After tea, I again sought some means of 
 speaking to the soldiers, but finding none, I betook 
 myself to prayer, in which my own lukewarmness was 
 made to appear to me so shameful, that I determined if 
 possible, to do something for them : but again found 
 none at leisure, except the gunner's mate and the Italian 
 to whom I had given the Testament. Afterwards on 
 the poop with Major D and M'K , the ques- 
 tion, what would become of the heathen, was proposed 
 to me. In the dispute, I was assisted to declare the 
 way of salvation clearly ; the subject was made very 
 useful to myself, blessed be God ! I saw very plainly 
 what was the state of the heathen world, and looked 
 forward with hope and joy to the work of preaching 
 among the eastern nations, the everlasting gospel of the 
 blessed God. All earthly things seemed to die away in 
 
 insignificance. At night M'K came into my 
 
 cabin, to combat what I had said about the heathen, 
 and to inquire also what Scripture had really declared. 
 I was grieved before at the unsoundness of his views in 
 many respects, but to-night was led to entertain better 
 hopes of him, from the teachableness and submission to 
 Scripture he manifested. To all his questions and 
 objections, the Lord provided me a ready answer. The 
 officers and others, he told me, did nothing but make 
 objections to my sermons : I was fearful my manner 
 
294 JOURNAL. [1805 
 
 had been offensive, but he said it was the doctrine. 
 Went to bed almost as if for the last time, so near did 
 death and eternity appear. Came in sight of Ireland 
 this evening. 
 
 14. Had again this morning much enjoyment in 
 private prayer, but the time afterwards w^as interrupted 
 by the confusion of coming into harbour ; and I was 
 scarcely at ail alone in my cabin. Came to anchor in 
 the Cove of Cork about noon. In the afternoon w^as 
 blessed with much comfort in prayer. Visited a corpo- 
 ral who had been sick a good while, he seemed in real 
 concern about his soul. Sat some time wdth the seamen, 
 and heard one of them read Isaiah Iv. Gave some 
 bibles and tracts. Lost much of the peace and comfort 
 I had enjoyed, by not praying in the course of the 
 evening, by being in such company as that of the mess 
 room, and by W. H. lounging with me at night in the 
 cabin. I must alter my hours somehow in order to 
 gain time. 
 
 Cork Harbour y Aug. 19, 1805. 
 My dearest Cousin, 
 I hasten to send you a few lines, in the hope of 
 receiving one more letter from you before I leave this 
 part of the world. No one in the fleet knew of our 
 destination to Ireland till the Commodore opened his 
 sealed dispatches off the Lizard, or I should have desired 
 you to direct to me there. We continued our course 
 the Saturday on which I wrote to you, and on the 
 Sunday morning were becalmed in Mount's Bay. It 
 was a melancholy pleasure to have one more view of the 
 Mount, Marazion, and St. Hilary, all which I could see 
 w^ith the glass very well, though not distinctly with the 
 naked eye. My heart was very full, as you may suppose. 
 I would have given any thing to have been ashore 
 preaching at Marazion or St. Hilary, where I was pro- 
 bably expected. I took for my text Heb. xi. 16. "But 
 novv they desire a better country, that is a heavenly, 
 wherefore God," &c. The text was not very suitable to 
 
1805] LETTER. 295 
 
 them, but it was quite so to me. The beloved objects 
 were still in sight, and Lydia I kriew was about that 
 time at St. Hilary, but every wave bore me farther and 
 farther from them. I introduced what I had to say by 
 observing that we had now bid adieu to England, and 
 its shores were dying away from the view. The female 
 part of my audience were much affected, but I do not 
 know that any were induced to seek the better country. 
 The Mount continued in sight till five o'clock, when it 
 disappeared behind the western boundary of the bay. 
 Amidst the extreme gloom of my mind this day I found 
 great comfort in interceding earnestly for my beloved 
 friends all over England. If you have heard from 
 Marazion since Sunday I should be curious to know 
 whether the fleet was observed passing. Whether it 
 was or not I am very sure that more persons than one 
 were praying for its preservation. Monday, the day 
 after, was a day of most severe trial to me. It began to 
 blow fresh in the morning, in consequence of which all 
 the passengers were ill. I was thus rendered incapable 
 of removing by persevering prayer the dreadful gloom 
 that hung upon my mind ; not a ray of comfort or life 
 appeared in any quarter. We had lost sight of the land 
 in the night, and with it I seemed to have lost all the 
 sources of happiness. O this ensnaring world ! What 
 but the Almighty power of God can effectually wean us 
 from it ! I slumbered away the afternoon in darkness 
 and stupidity, scarcely sensible of any thing but the 
 pains of memory ; but reviving a little at night I was 
 refreshed by reading some of the Psalms, and your 
 hymns. No thoughts but those of God's covenant love 
 and everlasting kindness would at all suit me. In such 
 passages as these, " Why sayest thou, O Jacob," &c. 
 I found strong consolation. I believed I should utterly 
 have fainted, but that I was enabled to say in faith, 
 *' Rejoice not against me, O mine enemy, when I fall I 
 shall arise ; when I sit in darkness the Lord shall be a 
 light unto me." Throughout the whole of the day the 
 want of Christian society, or of any friend with whom 1 
 
296 LETTER. [1805 
 
 could converse, made me scarcely doubt of the necessity 
 of applying to Lydia immediately on my arrival in India. 
 But I am determined by the help of God to give the 
 matter a fair trial. I hope I shall never request her to 
 make such a sacrifice merely for my personal relief, 
 except so far as that may tend to promote the kingdom 
 of God. Yesterday and to-day my sickness is removed, 
 and my peace restored. God fulfils his promises to me 
 in a marvellous manner. " As thy days so shall thy 
 strength be." He is a friend very near to me, now 
 that all others are far from me, and refreshes my soul 
 with long and happy seasons of prayer. He makes the 
 great business of my ministry to be now uppermost in 
 mind. O let the Eastern nations at last emerge from 
 their darkness, and let these my poor wretched country- 
 men who sail with me, and whom I see under the power 
 of Satan, be turned away from their sin and enmity to 
 God ! The more I see of the world, the more deeply I 
 am struck with the truth and excellency of the blessed 
 Gospel. O the transcendent privilege of being enlight- 
 ened by the knowledge of it. I have now free access 
 among the soldiers and sailors, and pray that some may 
 be awakened to a serious concern for their souls. We 
 have a Venetian on board who speaks French ; to him I 
 have been preaching the Gospel in that language. I 
 have given him a French Testament. Tracts and bibles 
 I have dispersed in numbers. Yesterday Ireland came 
 in sight, and to-day we came to anchor in the Cove of 
 Cork. We are now in the midst of a vast number of 
 transports filled with troops. It is now certain from 
 our coming here that we are to join in some expedition, 
 probably the Cape of Good Hope, or the Brazils ; 
 any where so long as the Lord goes with me. If it 
 should please God to send me another letter from you, 
 which I scarcely dare hope, do not forget to tell me as 
 much as you can about Lydia. I cannot write to her, 
 or I should find the greatest relief and pleasure even in 
 transmitting upon paper the assurances of my tenderest 
 love. And with respect to yourself, my dear Cousin, I 
 
1805] JOURNAL. 297 
 
 cannot but be deeply anxious, considering the very long 
 period that must elapse before I can hear again of you. 
 I could have wished to have left you in more established 
 health, but I must rest contented with the happy assu- 
 rance of your being under the care of a gracious God 
 and reconciled Father in Christ, who will in his own 
 time call you to your high reward. And now I reluc- 
 tantly conclude, commending you both to God, and to 
 the word of his grace. Amen. 
 
 H. Martyn. 
 
 15. Went ashore and walked to Cork, about eight 
 miles up ; on the road I joined two Serjeants of the 
 25th light dragoons, and was speaking to them on 
 divine things, when Mr. K. came up, and with him I 
 was obliged to walk the remainder of the way, with very 
 unprofitable conversation. Continued at a coifee-house 
 in Cork the remamder of the day, unable to converse for 
 w^ant of communion with God. Wrote a letter to Mr. 
 Simeon, and that was of use in fixing my mind a good 
 while on the things of another world. One object in 
 going to Cork, was to see if any pulpit might be pro- 
 cured for Sunday ; but the persons of whom I sought 
 information happened to be all Roman Catholics, who 
 could tell me nothing more than that there were seven 
 Protestant churches, and about the same number of 
 Roman Catholic. At night I turned as usual to the 
 bible, and found it quickening to my sttUl. In prayer 
 had an awful impression of my own unprofitableness, and 
 of the shortness of time. 
 
 16. After a disturbed night, in which vain fancy 
 pained me with thoughts of Lydia, I rose with my mind 
 also hankering after this world, as I was afraid it would 
 be. Going forth in God's service appeared more desir- 
 able than any thing else. Laid out a good deal of 
 money in books. Walked out of Cork alone, sorrow- 
 ful at not having been of any spiritual good to a single 
 individual in it. 
 
 17. After a happy season in prayer after breakfast. 
 
298 JOURNAL. [1805 
 
 began writing a sermon, which employed me all the day 
 after. Rowed ashore for exercise. My mind seemed 
 made up to a long and continued course of opposition 
 to the flesh. Came on board. Attempted several times 
 to have some conversation with the soldiers, but they 
 were so full of preparations for a review, that I could 
 find no opportunity. 
 
 18. (Sunday.) No service in the morning in con- 
 sequence of rain, but from the time I got up till the 
 middle of the day, I enjoyed more peace and spiritual 
 joy, than I have since I begun the voyage. I recollected 
 it was the first Sunday my friends knew of my being at 
 sea. Oh, there were many prayers ascending for me. 
 Read the psalms of praise with a happy sense of God's 
 love. Found it still in vain to get at the soldiers, in the 
 midst of their bustle of preparation for a drill previous 
 to their review. While they were drilled on deck, I 
 walked on the poop, my soul in general expanding 
 with love, in recollecting the society of the children of 
 God, with whom I felt sweet communion of Spirit. 
 Talked to the quarter-master, but he did not seem to 
 receive what I had to say ; another seaman continues 
 to read the bible daily which I gave him a few days 
 ago ; I asked him if he understood it : the tears ran 
 down his cheeks, while we conversed on religion : on 
 asking him, whether he did not sin against God daily, 
 he was quick to confess that he did. His soul seemed 
 to be very tender, serious, and humble, and I left him 
 in comfortable hope. Went below decks, but the con- 
 fusion was greater than ever ; reproved a corporal and a 
 sentry for swearing. I observed evident marks of con- 
 tempt. There was a quarrel amongst the soldiers and 
 sailors, one of the former who was stripped for fighting, 
 I went up to ; they all gave great deference, and the 
 tumult subsided for awhile, but I feel a coward heart 
 in such circumstances. In a season of prayer at this 
 time, I was stirred up to pray fervently for zeal in the 
 different offices of my ministry. I saw that I ought to 
 give my whole strength in preaching. I consider it as 
 
1805] JOURNAL. 299 
 
 an awful occasion in which I should labour mightily. 
 Mr. K. was going on a party of pleasure, with some of 
 the passengers, but I convinced him of the sinfulness of 
 it, and so he staid. At half after five we had service, I 
 preached on Psalm iv. 21, 22. There were not many 
 passengers present, but the profoundest attention in 
 those that were. 
 
 19. Had again a long and blessed season in prayer. 
 (Vide Memoir.) Visited the soldiers, &c. between 
 decks, and began the Pilgrim's Progress with a party of 
 soldiers and their wives, promising to continue it. 
 
 20. God visited me again in prayer, my soul wrestled 
 for the continuance of the spirit of adoption ; I felt 
 angry with myself, and grieved that I should ever walk so 
 carelessly, and so faithlessly, as to bring guilt upon my 
 conscience. In the afternoon, finding no opportunity 
 of going below, I looked into a review, and w^as led on, 
 by one thing after another in the book, to delay prayer 
 and further exertions among the people ; detestable 
 curiosity about the impertinent subjects of literature 
 has often given a severe Avound to my peace. After tea, 
 again w^ent to see if I could read to the people, but saw, 
 or fancied I saw, they were in too great confusion, from 
 stowing casks, to attend to me. 
 
 21. The same enjoyment of morning prayer. By 
 Mr. K. lounging with me, I was very inconveniently de- 
 prived of most of the morning. Continued the Col- 
 ossians, thought on my sermon, but in a very desultory 
 wav. After dinner, read one of Hannah More's tracts 
 to the people, and talked to them about swearing. The 
 evening slipped away in an unprofitable manner ; I be- 
 gan it indeed wath a solemn season of prayer, in w^hich 
 I strove to realize the certainty of my death ; perhaps it 
 is very near. I felt pleasure in the prospect. 
 
 22. Had a most blessed enjoyment of the Divine 
 presence in prayer this morning, in which I found not 
 that tendency to be puffed up at the discoveries made to 
 me as in former days, but my soul seem.ed filled with 
 love, and w^illing self-abasement. " My cup runneth 
 
300 JOURNAL. [1805 
 
 over;" I almost ventured to think, '' truly mercy and 
 goodness shall follow me all the days of my life ; " but 
 oh, how little do I deserve the manifestations of God's 
 love ! I ought to have served him better for his good- 
 ness to me. Went on board the Ann, in order to con- 
 vey some books to Mr. B. which, however, I did not do ; 
 I unhappily chose a most improper time for my visit, as 
 the ship had just been in a state of mutiny. The 
 soldiers on board, exasperated at the treatment of the 
 officers, had resolved a night or two before, to kill the 
 sentinels, and then to murder the captain and officers ; 
 when they were detected, a scuffle ensued, the men 
 pointed one of the great guns toward the quarter-deck, 
 but they were overcome, and nine of the ringleaders put 
 in irons ; a court martial was sitting on them when I 
 came on board. Mr. T.'s situation appeared so dread- 
 ful, that I returned to the Union, as to a kind family of 
 friends, thankful to God for his mercy in ordering my 
 lot to fall in pleasanter places. The remainder of the 
 morning I walked the deck for exercise, and had some 
 useful conversation with the surgeon. In consequence 
 of late dinner and drill, I did not think it convenient 
 to the soldiers, to go below and read to them ; and 
 directly after tea, the hammocks were ordered down, 
 and so no reading took place ; on inquiry afterwards, I 
 found they had assembled in considerable numbers on 
 the upper deck to hear me ; on hearing this I was quite 
 cut to the heart. It is not for want of willingness, that 
 I am so slow to action, but I am destitute of that 
 energy, promptness, activity, and holy forwardness 
 which characterized Whitfield, and the eminent ser- 
 vants of God. 
 
 23. Had more seriousness than joy in prayer; yet 
 the past experience of the satisfaction to be tasted in 
 communion with God, excited me to some perseverance, 
 and earnestness to seek his presence. Went aboard 
 the Pitt, Botany Bay ship. She is carrying out 120 
 female convicts. They were well accommodated, but 
 the person who showed me round, said, they had no 
 
1805] JOURNAL. 301 
 
 Bibles or religious books. While he and the rest were 
 with me, I could neither speak to them particularly, nor 
 distribute tracts ; but on deck observing some improper 
 conduct in a seaman, I spoke to him, and after a little 
 conversation, declared what the law of God threatened, 
 and directed him how he might be able to leave off his 
 sin. No, said he, I cannot do that, and will not ; and 
 soon after I saw him in defiance behaving as before. 
 Our conversation drew others about me, who all ques- 
 tioned me concerning the harm of it, wdth the utmost 
 contempt. One man said, Well, if that is the greatest 
 sin I have ever committed, heaven is my portion. How- 
 ever, I could very easily keep them all at bay, and told 
 them that though they could make a laughing matter 
 of it now, they would think differently of it at death, 
 and the day of judgment. However, I could not leave 
 them without telling them of the gospel, and the way 
 God would deliver them from sin ; this made them 
 rather more serious ; chiefly, I suppose, because they 
 could not but receive with civility what I spoke to 
 them mildly as a great mercy and privilege. I after- 
 wards went below alone, and finding a few women, 
 spoke to them, and gave them a few tracts which I had. 
 One whispered to me in great emotion, asking me if I 
 was not a Roman priest. Guessing her intentions, I 
 asked her if she was not a Roman catholic, and advised 
 her to confess her sins to Him who knoweth the heart. 
 On going away, I proposed to Captain B. to preach 
 next Sunday, but he did not seem to accede to my pro- 
 posal. I went away m.uch shocked at the iniquitous 
 state of the ship, and found no sympathizing sentiments 
 in our shipmates who returned with me to the Union, 
 for they treated it with that levity which characterizes 
 wicked men, when treating of sin. Afterwards went 
 ashore on the east point of the harbour, with the Lascars 
 who were going to water, and some others. Walking to 
 the fort, I passed two men who were hanging in chains, 
 for murder. They were the most horrid spectacle I ever 
 beheld ; some of the clothes were still remaining, and 
 
302 JOURNAL. [1805 
 
 parts of the skeletons appeared through the rags. In 
 one a few locks of dishevelled hah' remained, and the 
 teeth, so that his countenance still preserved a look of 
 the most dire malignity. My feelings, which had heen 
 excited by what I had witnessed in the convict ship, 
 were now greatly agitated. The wickedness of that 
 earth on which I was destined to dwell so long, im- 
 pressed me very deeply. I seemed to have received a 
 new idea, in considering what sort of people God had to 
 manage. Advancing to the brow of the headland, with 
 my face toward the wide and lovely ocean, I thought — 
 
 thou hast sent me as a sheep among wolves. My 
 heart too is the same, disposed to the same iniquities. 
 
 1 looked towards India, and remembered they were 
 heathens, perhaps ten times worse than any thing I had 
 seen. Yet I felt no disposition to do any thing but 
 labour in the gospel among my fellow creatures. Seeing 
 a middle-aged soldier sitting under the wall of the fort, 
 I began a conversation, and found he was a Roman 
 catholic. In answer to my arguments against the main 
 errors of his superstition, namely the use of the interces- 
 sion of the Virgin, and the saints, and dependence on 
 our righteousness for acceptance ; he replied very sen- 
 sibly and seriously. I was pleased that he made objec- 
 tions, as it was not in a captious spirit, because it shewed 
 he understood what I said, and felt the force of it. 
 Afterwards, while I opened the system of the gospel to 
 him, he listened with great attention, without interrupt- 
 ing, and having nothing more to reply, I left him after 
 giving him Vivian's Dialogues. He read, he said, the 
 English Testament. On my return to the beach, the 
 boat not being ready, I walked to see some ruins near 
 Colonel Fitzgerald's, and afterwards sat on the turf near 
 the rocks, reading Acts xxi. with great comfort. Oh, 
 what should I do without God. In the afternoon went 
 below, and read Pilgrim's Progress for about an hour. 
 
 Afterwards wrote a little of sermon ; but Mr. took 
 
 away almost all the evening, by coming to tell me, 1st. 
 that he had been defending my conduct before the 
 
1805] JOURNAL. 303 
 
 junior officers of the regiment, who had declared, that if 
 they were commanding officers, I should not be suffered 
 to talk to the men in this way about rehgion, thus un- 
 fitting them to be soldiers ; and that if I read at all to 
 them it should be to the whole on deck ; and 2nd. by 
 opening his mind to me on the subject of his revengeful 
 temper, which had just been excited. I endeavoured to 
 advise him on the subject. Orders arrived to the Com- 
 modore to detain us, for fear of immediate invasion, in 
 which case the ships might be of use. This will pro- 
 bably delay us a month. 
 
 24. After prayer to God for the continuance of the 
 word of life among the poor soldiers, and that He would 
 order the hearts of the commanding officers, I went to 
 Captain O. and beginning to tell him of what the sub- 
 altern had been saying, he begged me not to mind that, 
 but to continue my labours among them. 
 
 25. (Sunday.) Rose from prayer with a solemn 
 impression. In consequence of the rain, there could be 
 no service this morning ; I felt at this a secret sort of 
 pleasure, but soon after the guilt of the feeling was 
 brought home to my mind. I prayed that God would 
 not for my wickedness' sake deprive those perishing souls 
 of the bread of life, but feed them, and in mercy to his 
 church, and free compassion to his wretched creatures, 
 inflame their soul with a burning zeal. I found that 
 the Lord had in part heard my prayer, for I rose with 
 an utter scorn of my former base lukewarmness, and de- 
 sired above all things, to spend, and be spent in Christ's 
 service. In my walk on deck, conversed a little with 
 the mate, but to all on religion obtained no answer. 
 Yet he is my staunch friend ; for after dinner, while I 
 was below, he said to Lieutenant D. If you won't be 
 religious yourself, why hinder another ; and he said to 
 several of them, Though you laugh at rehgion now, by 
 and by your consciences will be overhauled. He is the 
 picture of a good-natured blunt seaman. Read chiefly 
 in Samuel to-day. Colonel H. and another officer of 
 the 21st dined with us. The conversation was about 
 
304 JOURNAL. [1805 
 
 regiments, and firemen, and officers, &c. I retired soon 
 after dinner, and read the Pilgrim's Progress to the men, 
 who attended in great numbers to hear, chiefly because 
 the rain prevented their being on deck. I never per 
 ceived so much of the extraordinary value of this book 
 till now. I am now got beyond most of my poor hear- 
 ers, but it cannot be helped. The latter part of a 
 Christian's course may be more blessed to them than the 
 beginning. But as I go on, the book furnishes me with 
 opportunities of making a thousand useful remarks I 
 should never have thought of else. It clearing off in 
 the evening, I walked on the poop, enjoying the thought 
 of the people of God, who were then assembling in 
 different parts of the kingdom, to happy worship, par- 
 ticularly the congregations at Cambridge, St. John's, 
 London, and Dock, when I was interrupted by the mate's 
 proposing divine service without a sermon, which indeed 
 it was impossible to have, as the sun was down before 
 they began to rig the church. 
 
 26. Two things were made the subject of my ear- 
 nest petition this morning. 1 . That God would exert 
 his power, and make me depend on that power by which 
 he can renew my heart. The texts, " What is the 
 exceeding greatness of his power, ^' and '* He is able to 
 do exceedingly, &c." appeared to me just what I wanted. 
 Nothing seemed capable of fitting my body and soul for 
 glory, but the sovereign power and pleasure of God. I 
 prayed the Lord that he would himself create me anew 
 unto good works, and a spirit of love, and make me to 
 see it to be his doing, for then he would have all the 
 glory. Oh that the Lord would be pleased to remove 
 pride and delusion of self-love from this vile heart, lest I 
 he made to feel the truth of his word, by being cast into 
 outer darkness. My mind, during my walk, was uneasy 
 at the danger of trifling in my studies, and giving 
 myself to unimportant reading, for want of being called 
 to immediate duties. After some doubts, and much 
 miwilHngness, I went below in the afternoon, expecting 
 to find few people able to attend, but had a consider- 
 
1805] JOURNAL. 305 
 
 able number, and from a part of * Pilgrim's Progress,' 
 told them much of the evil of being ashamed of religion. 
 Enjoyed a solemn, though short season of prayer in the 
 evening, in which I felt all my soul go forth in desires 
 to be like Christ, in finding my meat and drink in 
 doing the will of God. In the evening endeavoured to 
 learn the notes on the flute, as thinking it may be of 
 use in helping my people to sing, perhaps in India. 
 The Lord keep these things from being a snare to me. 
 
 27. My chief business in prayer this morning, was 
 to put my soul into a state of heavenly-mindedness. Oh, 
 how unconquerably carnal did my heart appear. Though 
 the outward scene presents nothing but what is unsatis- 
 fying and tedious, except viewed in a spiritual manner, 
 I feel I have no power to preserve any abiding enjoy- 
 ment of invisible things. However rich it is to be 
 under the influence of divine realities, I cannot keep my 
 soul in eternity : it is presently down again upon earth, 
 the easy sport of almost every thing that passes before 
 the sight. What a state of joy it must be, I thought, 
 to be there, where I shall always see God, and always be 
 filled with divine affections, to worship him day and 
 night in his holy temple. Endeavoured as I walked on 
 deck, to turn my thoughts into a profitable channel, but 
 to little purpose ; at last I bowed my knees in prayer, 
 and never yet found such precious power in the atone- 
 ment. The Spirit, of a ti-uth, applied the blood of 
 Jesus, to cleanse me from all my sin. Whatever I had 
 been in times past, free pardon might be obtained, and 
 I might begin anew with quietness and peace, my heart 
 being sprinkled from an evil conscience ; death, which 
 seemed very near, through the weakness of my bodily 
 frame, appeared very desirable. I tried to realize what 
 would be my feelings on a death-bed, and my fears, 
 and endeavoured to meet them. Then read 1 Cor. xv. 
 with great impression, and I tried to be persuaded that 
 there was really nothing here, for which I should be 
 imwilling to leave the world ; certainly nothing in the 
 ungodly, and nothing also in the society of saints, 
 
 X 
 
306 JOURNAL. [1805 
 
 28. The whole fleet sailed out of Cork harbour, 
 under convoy of the Diadem 64, Belliqueux 64, Leda and 
 Narcissus frigates, but the wind proving w^esterly, and 
 the ships making a great deal of lee way, we came to 
 anchor again under the windward shore : I was very 
 uncomfortable from sickness, but wrote several letters. 
 Passed the rest of the day in dejection : being scarcely 
 able to keep from vomiting. I could not continue 
 long enough at a time in prayer, to enjoy the presence 
 of God. It would have been some pleasure and relief 
 to have been able to read ' Pilgrim's Progress' to 
 the soldiers, but the ship was in the utmost con- 
 fusion, and most of the soldiers on deck helping to 
 wash her. 
 
 29. The fleet at anchor still outside the land; in a 
 thick fog all day ; felt very uncomfortable from sea-sick- 
 ness ; found the consolatory parts of the prophets most 
 suited to my state ; read Hindoostanee most of the mor- 
 ning ; conversed a good deal with Captain S ; or 
 
 rather told him what I thought of importance for him 
 to know, for he made no answer. Read as usual in the 
 afternoon to the soldiers ; at night, as is often the case, 
 prayed with great fervour for zeal. 
 
 30. The swell was so much increased this morning, 
 that I continued very sick. Employed the intervals of 
 ease in prayer, that God would enable the soul to rise 
 above the body, and make me peaceful, patient, and 
 resigned, in all the bodily suffering that awaits me. 
 Read a good deal of Scripture, but in a heavy frame, 
 though I selected the most enlivening parts. I was not 
 on the whole so much dejected as the last time I was 
 sick, but yet very much so now ; misery seemed to await 
 me through life. Nothing but death and heaven ap- 
 peared as a pleasant end in view. There seemed no one 
 person who cared for me. As there was a prospect of a 
 gale of wind, and the Commodore had probably no order 
 to proceed, the fleet weighed, and by dinner time were 
 moored again in Cork harbour. Finished Robertson, 
 and began Dow. The insidious attacks on Christianity 
 
1805] JOURNAL. 307 
 
 in this writer, while he describes the Hindoos, and their 
 . inveterate attachment to their superstition, stirred me 
 up to prayer, in which, after making mention before the 
 Lord of the state of India, and his promise respecting 
 the conversion of all men, and the want of success his 
 faithful servants had met with, I said that I, a poor 
 feeble worm, should certainly be swallowed up, and lost 
 in the difficulties, unless God should show to the w^orld 
 that He still reigneth : the hope that the Lord might 
 perhaps be pleased to make use of me, inspired me with 
 great ardour, and I sat down to deliberate on the sub- 
 ject ; I could not perceive that anything was to be done, 
 till I had learnt by actual intercourse with the natives, 
 to enter into their minds and views, for so only could I 
 learn to answer the objections they would make to 
 the truths of the gospel. Read some chapters of the 
 Acts, to see how the apostles addressed ignorant hea- 
 thens ; and afterwards Brainerd's description of the diffi- 
 culties which attended his mission. But all this is out- 
 ward, my soul wants the spirit of prayer. The work is 
 easy to God, if I could pray earnestly in their behalf. 
 The Lord awaken me to spiritual earnestness. 
 
 3 1 . Rose ill with a bilious headache ; in my prayer 
 and general thoughts in the morning felt resigned and 
 happy at the prospect of death and heaven. Went 
 
 aboard the W. Pitt, Indiaman, to see young C , and 
 
 gave him the best advice I could. Received a letter from 
 E. just such an one as has often refreshed me. The 
 wind becoming fair about the middle of the day, a signal 
 was made for sailing. I went ashore to get some things, 
 and returned just as the anchor was up. In one minute 
 we were under weigh, and sailed out of the harbour with 
 a fair wind and fine weather. My spirits much better, 
 but I want to live nearer to God, and to find him my 
 all-satisfying portion. 
 
 Septembei' 1. (Sunday.) A very melancholy sabbath. 
 From the swell last night, I was so tossed in my cot, 
 that I got scarcely any sleep. Soon after I rose, and 
 before breakfast, in great faintness and fever, began to 
 
 X 2 
 
308 JOURNAL. [1805 
 
 be, and continued very ill the whole morning, and indeed 
 the whole day ; got into my cot about seven, and being 
 a little more at ease, sought communion with God. At 
 different times of the night as I lay awake, I experienced 
 the consolations of God, not so great as to give me joy, 
 but enabling me to suffer with tranquillity. Upon the 
 whole, I have reason to adore his mercy, that my spirit 
 has not been so tried as this day three weeks. But my 
 anguish at times was inexpressible, when I awoke from 
 my disturbed dreams, to find myself actually on my 
 way, wdth a long sea rolling between me and all that I 
 hold dear in this life. Death throughout the day ap- 
 peared very desirable. I longed to die, rather even 
 than to be well and with my friends. Death w^as the 
 best consolation I could find, as I had not enough of 
 the presence of my heavenly friend to be able to rejoice 
 at suffering for him. 
 
 2. Still sick. Passed a good part of the morning 
 in meditation and prayer over Isaiah Ix. and Ixvi. The 
 promises respecting the church, and the future joy 
 of every member of it in heaven, were applied wdth 
 sweetness and consolation to my fainting spirit. The 
 conversation in the afternoon, in the cuddy, turning 
 upon swearing, I had an opportunity of speaking on the 
 subject. The poor people are all so sick as well as 
 myself, that there is no reading to them yet. The swell 
 increased so much towards evening, that 1 soon got into 
 my cot to keep myself from sickness. Still able to 
 pray at intervals to the blessed God. 
 
 3. A day of bitterness and distress. To describe the 
 variety of perplexing, heart-rending, agonizing thoughts, 
 &c.^ Coming into my cabin I took up one of 
 the volumes of the Cheap Repository, and found 
 several things veiy suitable. The conversion of Gamba 
 affected me in an extraordinary manner ; I had a deep 
 impression made upon me of the misery of mankind. 
 The story of the fair-weather sailor delineated my cha- 
 racter, I thought, too truly. The shepherd of Salisbury 
 
 ^ Vide Memoir. 
 
1805] JOURNAL. 309 
 
 Plain made me ashamed of myself. What I suffer is 
 only the common evils of life. The Lord have mercy 
 upon me I it is all I can say. I would rather be cut in 
 pieces than deny my Saviour, by forsaking this part of 
 his work, which he assigned me ; and yet, with a heart 
 so full of corruption, there is nothing too pitiful for me 
 to do. After dinner, got nigh to God in prayer, but it 
 was like stemming a torrent. If I got on a little, I was 
 presently carried back where I left off. My soul was 
 influenced with something of ardour to be doing the 
 Lord's work : I never felt such a marked sensibility ; 
 my present languor, not arising from repeated sickness, 
 disposes me to think I shall never live to see India ; or 
 it is the confinement of this crow^ded ship which dis- 
 agrees with me. Respecting life I am not anxious. 
 There is only reason to fear lest the Lord in wrath 
 should send me back as unworthy to proceed on so high 
 an errand. But O may he rather graciously fit me for 
 it, if it be his will. After being on board seven weeks, 
 and tumbling so much on a heavy sea, w^e are no 
 further on than the latitude of the Lizard, and not yet 
 to the w^est of Ireland. But were I blessed with a 
 humble contented mind, as I desire to be, no earthly 
 trifles would move me. " I have learnt in whatever 
 state I am, therewith to be content," &c. '' I can do 
 all things through Christ which strengtheneth me." At 
 night I resolved, in the strength of God, to make an effort 
 to rise above present afflictions, and be happy and con- 
 tented in God. Felt much returning joy and peace. 
 
 4. I was taught in my prayer to-day the necessity 
 of living by faith. It was a relief to my soul to declare 
 to God my utter insufficiency for all good, and that 
 therefore my hope for ever obtaining contentment and 
 joy in his service, must be the gracious gift of his Holy 
 Spirit ; and with this I felt a very serene and calm assu- 
 rance that God would work all my works in me, that I 
 should be created anew^ in Christ Jesus, unto good 
 works. Read the Galatians and meditated. It was 
 then suggested to me, — Think no more of any thing but 
 
310 ' JOURNAL. [18.05 
 
 suffering in this life, you are an exile from your native 
 country and friends, think not of seeing them any more. 
 
 Major D had been giving me an account of what 
 
 would be my situation in India. I sat musing upon it 
 on deck, w^ithout being able to find one single ray of 
 comfort, but what should come from the presence of 
 God. It was now in vain to look forward to any thing 
 upon earth. In mute astonishment therefore I looked 
 forward and surveyed the scene. The pleasures and 
 comforts of this life, such as are allowed to God's 
 children, from them you are entirely excluded. After a 
 little time, I quietly looked upon this as my portion, 
 and made up my mind to expect nothing but suffering 
 every day. The thought was not so overwhelming, but 
 it solemnized my mind most exceedingly, and I felt 
 weaned from the world to a degree I never experienced 
 before. Read the Pilgrim's Progress in the afternoon 
 to the soldiers. Read Dow's Hindoostan. M'K. 
 read to me several chapters in Revelations ; felt very ill. 
 Oh, this mortal dying frame ! When shall this cor- 
 ruptible put on incorruption, and this mortal, immor- 
 tality ? 
 
 5. Rose without strength or spirits to dress myself, 
 As long as I could sit in my cabin, I passed the time, 
 about three hours, in reading and prayer. I found many 
 of the psalms in exact unison with my feelings, and 
 this was a great comfort to me, as I found that some of 
 the children of God had been in as distressed circum- 
 stances. The rest of the morning, stood in the air, in a 
 sort of patient stupidity, very sick and cold. The 
 wind was blowing a heavy gale, accompanied with rain. 
 At dinner the ship heeled so much, and the wind was 
 so high, that one or two of the officers were evidently 
 much alarmed ; on account of the numbers present I 
 could not well speak to them. In the afternoon I could 
 do nothing but sit holding my head in my cabin. Here I 
 was assaulted with a sense of guilt, lest I was giving way 
 to laziness in not stirring up myself to pray and labour 
 for God. After ten I revived considerably in my spirit. 
 
1805] JOURNAL. 311 
 
 Talked very closely to my servant. Mr. coming 
 
 in, I read an account of Brainerd's death, and some 
 hymns, which so much refreshed me, that I could hold 
 up my head again. Afterwards alone ; read some chap- 
 ters in Revelations, and determined to endeavour to 
 improve the present season of danger, by going into the 
 cuddy after supper, which I did, but as the weather was 
 become rather more moderate, the conversation was not 
 at all about the gale. However I had occasion to men- 
 tion to the real cause of the fears we have of death, 
 
 and the remedy. In my prayer before this I saw reason 
 to be humbled for the vain-glorious desire I had shewn 
 to manifest my contempt of death, but now I found it 
 impossible to approach God but as the most abject of 
 creatures. My grief is, that I cannot have my affections 
 set upon things above. The world in a particular form 
 has a hold upon my soul, and the spiritual conflict is 
 consequently dreadful. Nothing but such assurances 
 as that, " Without me ye can do nothing," could 
 support me from sinking to deep despondency. God 
 will not cast off his people, I am now in the fire, 
 fighting hard; Oh for strength to carry me through ! 
 Outward and inward trials threaten to destroy me, but 
 I will put my trust in God. *' I shall yet praise him, who 
 is the health of my countenance and my God." The 
 wind continues blowing violently from the south west, 
 (i. e.) directly in our teeth. Our course being westerly, 
 we are scarcely a degree south of the Lizard, though 
 some way to the west of Ireland. At the close of day 
 all the rest of the fleet were almost out of sight, ours 
 being the heaviest sailor of all. We shall meet them 
 again indeed at Madeira, the appointed rendezvous, but 
 we are in danger of being taken. 
 
 6. The storm continued to increase during the 
 night. Two of the sails were torn to pieces. The 
 violence of the wind in the rigging, and the confusion 
 on deck prevented my sleep. About four in the morn- 
 ing M'K. came and sat in my cabin, and the awfulness 
 of the scene led us to a very solemn conversation. To 
 
312 JOURNAL. [1805 
 
 avoid the violent tossing of the ship I continued in my 
 cot. When he went av^ay I lay and endeavoured to 
 realize my speedy appearance before God in judgment. 
 I was not long without sorrowful convictions of my 
 sinfulness, and renewed my supplications for mercy in 
 the name of Jesus ; I had no doubts of the willingness 
 of God to save me ; but an assured hope. I felt peaceful, 
 and on the whole desirous to depart ; but no joy. I 
 was chiefly led to think of the many poor souls in the ship, 
 and for their sakes to pray that they might have longer 
 time for repentance, and that the terrors of this night 
 might be of lasting benefit. At the same time the 
 thought of them reminded me of my own lukewarmness 
 and unfaithfulness, but all this only made me feel more 
 deeply the necessity of the Redeemer's righteousness. 
 When I got up we w^ere going under bare poles, the sea 
 covered with so thick a mist, from the spray and rain, 
 that nothing could be seen but the tops of the nearest 
 waves, which seemed to be running even with the 
 windward side of the ship. I was again faint with 
 sickness ; on getting up continued upon deck, and found 
 
 an opportunity of talking a good deal to M who was 
 
 much terrified ; but after pointing out the way of salva- 
 tion, I found he doubted the truth of Christianity itself. 
 Continued very sick during the day. At night, when 
 the wind abated, read Whitfield's journal, and ob- 
 serving how he acted on such an occasion, I was cut by 
 it to the heart, at the sense of my lukewarmness. Once 
 more I struggled, determined to rise, through God, 
 above the body, the flesh, and the world, to a life of 
 ardour and devotedness to God. 
 
 Next morning, was very sick, insomuch that I was 
 obliged to stay upon deck in the crowd ; in prayer my 
 corruption seemed to be like a mountain pressing upon 
 me. As for the world, I detested it, for being the cause 
 of my plague, but could not get the love of it out of my 
 heart. I could not find my supreme pleasure in being 
 separated from all things unto the gospel of God, and 
 thus my spiritual conflict was agonizing beyond mea- 
 
1805] JOURNAL. 313 
 
 sure. Beginning to grow quite outrageous with myself, 
 and like a wild bull in a net, I saw plainly this was 
 coming to nothing, and so in utter despair of working 
 any deliverance for myself, I simply cast myself upon 
 Jesus Christ, praying that if it were possible, something 
 of a change might be w^rought in my heart. Though I 
 was a little earnest in the afternoon, the sense of my 
 constant unprofitableness made me more miserable 
 than ever, and my soul w^as fast departing in unbelief 
 from the living God. Thus the Lord vouchsafed to me a 
 sense of my danger, and I began to consider, What can 
 this end in ? if I am really in anguish for the low state 
 of my soul, what hinders me from rising ? why do not I 
 make a struggle and cry with power to God? — so I did this 
 day, (not on my knees, for my cabin was floating wdth 
 water, which had broken in at the port-hole) and God in 
 a measure answered my prayer. I w^alked the deck in 
 great haste, for I have to strive against stupor of body 
 almost as much as against that of the mind : I repeated 
 and meditated on Eph. i. 1 1 . and kept doing so notwith- 
 standing whatever I heard or saw, and this activity of 
 mind on spiritual things was made a blessing. Meeting 
 with Corporal R. I talked to him, but was grieved to 
 find how little he seemed to relish serious conversation ; 
 but however, I have learnt, I hope, to make allowance for 
 the weak. Tolerably comfortable in mind the rest of 
 the evening. M'K. lounged with me the finest part 
 of the evening, when I was expecting a season of com- 
 fortable reading and prayer ; I was beginning to be 
 vexed, but I checked my chagrin, and read some chap- 
 ters and hymns to him. 
 
 8. (Sunday.) Rose in nearly the same state as on 
 preceding days, sick in body and wounded in spirit. 
 However, thought I, now is the time for struggling. 
 In prayer I was led away from my own corruptions to 
 the more refreshing subject of God's church and minis- 
 ters. About the time when I expected service, I went 
 upon the poop, but the sailors were all at work, and the 
 boatswain swearing at them. My heart was agonized 
 
314 JOURNAL. [1805 
 
 with my situation among the ungodly, compared with 
 that of the Christian societies upon shore. The weather 
 was fine, and the fleet all around in crowded sail, made 
 a fine appearance, but to a discontented mind nothing 
 is agreeable. Went below again, and read several chap- 
 ters of the Acts, with much profit and comfort. When 
 I went to take my exercise on deck, I resolved to fight 
 hard against my dejection, and truly a hard conflict I 
 had of it for two hours ; I was afraid to let my thoughts 
 dwell upon the outward scene for a moment, or upon 
 England, or friends, which would have made the mat- 
 ter worse. But by reciting scripture, I strove to keep 
 my thoughts incessantly engaged in divine things ; 
 though I could not obtain joy, I was conscious of doing 
 right ; and that painful as it was, thus to struggle up hill, 
 was the appointed narrow way. However, much of this 
 depression arises from the body. At five, we had divine 
 service, I read the thanksgiving for deliverance from 
 storm. Preached on Gal. hi. 10. The soldiers not very 
 
 attentive. B , and the officers began to ridicule it 
 
 instantly, and left the deck. I did not feel the least 
 irritated at their conduct, but was cheered by our 
 Lord's words, '* If they have kept my saying, they 
 will keep your's also." Read Leighton on Peter 
 to-day, and found every sentence almost applicable 
 to my case ; I almost thought it good to be in tribula- 
 tion, to have such precious truths appropriated to me. 
 In the evening read the Revelation with greater peace 
 of mind and devotedness to God. 
 
 9. At last the Lord hath appeared for the comfort 
 of his creature. In prayer, launched sweetly into 
 eternity, and found joy unspeakable in thinking of my 
 future rest, and the boundless love and joy I should for 
 ever taste in His beloved presence hereafter ; I found no 
 difficulty, as generally, to stir myself up to the contem- 
 plation of heaven, but my soul, through grace, realized 
 it, and delighted to dwell by faith, in those blissful 
 scenes. Now, why cannot my soul be always in hea- 
 ven ? Dearest Lord, there is nothing on earth worthy 
 
1805] JOURNAL. 315 
 
 of a moments concern, thy work may be prosecuted best 
 by my soul's remaining in heaven. The transcendent 
 sweetness of the privilege of being always with God 
 would appear to me too great, were it not for the blessed 
 command, " Set your affections on things above," &c. 
 *' For your life is hid with Christ in God." — Life hid 
 in God ! In my walk on deck found it necessary to 
 watch and pray, lest I should sink into dissatisfaction. 
 Endeavoured to keep in mind that the little trifling 
 occurrences and changes which took place around me, 
 had no concern with me, and that, considering the great 
 work God had put upon me, 1 ought to be hourly con- 
 sidering how eminently I should be a man of prayer, 
 thought, and heavenly-mindedness. After dinner, went 
 below deck, and found at first but few ; for as the 
 weather grows fine and warmer, they are up in the air. 
 I waited some time and nobody came ; I went away for 
 a little time to get a book for a woman, who refused it ; 
 reproved a soldier for swearing, and felt hurt at the in- 
 solence of another, who ridiculed it just as I turned my 
 back. Determined not to be discouraged by the neg- 
 lect of the soldiers ; and so when I went down again, I 
 began to read to about three, and my hearers soon in- 
 creased. My heart w^as often very full, in describing the 
 way of salvation by Christ, and the happiness of finding 
 it. In the evening, had sweet access to God. My 
 chief concern was that this season of peace, &c. (See 
 Memoir.) 
 
 10. Sickness this morning w^as about to bring on 
 discontent and peevishness, but I presently recollected that 
 it was my business to be faithful and happy in every con- 
 dition. Endeavoured to consider what should be my 
 study, &c. (See Memoir.) Walked on deck with Ma- 
 jor D. He told me I should find nothing wanting in 
 India, but a partner. This was to me a very unwelcome 
 piece of advice ; for though I am greatly delivered 
 from all desires of a worldly nature at this time, his 
 words recalled many thoughts of Lydia, which I could 
 not remove so easily as I wished. 
 
316 JOURNAL. [1805 
 
 11. Enjoyed the blessed presence of God in prayer, 
 great deadness to the world, and happy meditation 
 on eternity. In my walk upon deck, the Lord kept 
 my heart in general above the influence of the idle 
 occurrences and passing scenes around me, and I looked 
 forward with contentment and pleasure, to living 
 amono* none but Mussulmans and Hindoos, to which I 
 feel at times strong reluctance. Read Hindoostanee ; at 
 dinner, many spiritual thoughts were suggested to my 
 soul. I looked forward with delight to the time, when 
 the body would no more need to be fed with corrupting 
 food, but would be changed and made like the glorious 
 body of Christ. In the afternoon looked over Vince's 
 Astronomy till it was time to go below ; prayer would 
 have been a better preparation for reading to them, for 
 the immediate effect of considering some things in 
 astronomy was an extraordinary coldness of heart 
 towards divine things and religious duties : but reading 
 to the poor people presently warmed me again ; my few 
 hearers now, I observe, are generally the same persons, 
 which I am glad of. In the evening thought to finish 
 
 a few calculations before prayer ; but M'K coming 
 
 in, prevented, and thus the time, which I find most 
 profitable, was lost. He stayed a long time con- 
 versing on religion. He grows visibly in grace. He 
 now reads the Scriptures aloud in the cabin, and has 
 one or two to hear him. At night had a solemn season 
 of prayer, in which my eyes were a little opened to con- 
 sider the holy examples of John the Baptist and St. 
 Paul. Oh, that I might be taught and strengthened to 
 become such a holy, self-denying, spiritual minister and 
 missionary. Before going to bed, read Milner's sermon 
 on fasting. I have no doubt of the usefulness of 
 separate seasons of fasting and prayer, though my flesh 
 seemed to shrink from it at present, as if it were too 
 much for my strength ; yet past experience encourages 
 me, and David Brainerd's advice. What a quickening 
 example has he often been to me, especially on this ac- 
 count, that he was of a weak and sickly constitution. 
 
1805] JOURNAL. 317 
 
 12. An unhappy day, made so through negligence. 
 Had a happy season of morning prayer as usual, hut 
 wasted much of the rest of the morning in calculations, 
 though I knew it ought to have been in composition. 
 In my walk alone on deck, I found it hard to keep from 
 my former unbelieving thoughts. After dinner found 
 myself dull ; and unfit for the service of God. This 
 wounded my peace deeply : I was almost ashamed to 
 appear in the presence of God. With shame and humi- 
 liation, I read to the soldiers below ; in prayer after- 
 wards, in vain did I pray to enjoy the sweetness of eter- 
 nity ; my soul seemed left to its own stupidity, and God 
 to have hidden his face. After reading a portion of Scrip- 
 ture, I began, after some deliberation, to write sermon ; 
 and though I made little progress, I felt more satisfied 
 at night, as having been in the path of duty. How 
 debasing is sin ; it separates the soul from God, and 
 leaves it to grovel on earth in misery. 
 
 13. My soul tasted much of the love of God in 
 prayer this morning, and rose in the desire and hope of 
 continuing in it all day. I was disposed to ask with the 
 bride, from my constant expectation of soon losing 
 spiritual fervour: *' Tell me, O thou whom my soul 
 loveth, w^here thou feedest, where thou makest thy 
 flock to rest at noon, for why should I become as one 
 that turneth aside by the flocks of thy companions ? '* 
 Why should I give way, and suffer my thoughts to be 
 led by outward occurrences ? Employed about sermon 
 with rather greater sobriety and seriousness than in 
 general. In my walk on deck, &c. (Mem. Page 125.) 
 I retired to pray for them and myself. I could willingly 
 have fasted with them, were it not that such conduct in 
 me on this particular day, would have been remarked. 
 
 14. Was again favoured with a sense of the love of 
 God in prayer this morning. When I rose I was very 
 feeble and dejected, but w^as refreshed by remembering 
 that my body and soul are Christ's, and that when he shall 
 call me away, " this corruption shall put on incorruption, 
 and this mortal put on immortality." In my walk had 
 
318 JOURNAL. 1805] 
 
 little opportunity of reflection, as there were so many on 
 deck, and one and another joined me ; to Captain J. 
 I declared what I thought the will of God about duel- 
 ling. After dinner all the men were paraded on the 
 quarter deck, to hear the decision of the court martial 
 on one of the mutinous soldiers, which was his acquittal. 
 Some of the articles of war were read. This left me no 
 time for reading to them. The rest of the evening con- 
 tinued writing, with my mind low, but solemn ; finding 
 a sweet relief at intervals, to stop and try to have a 
 foretaste of heavenly glory. Walked at night on deck, 
 while they were at supper, and found the time and scene 
 favourable to serious and solemn meditation. I seemed 
 to have no prospect in my heart, of ever taking up my 
 rest in this life, but was resigned, and pleased at being 
 altogether for another world. Read at night some chap- 
 ters of Revelation in the Greek Testament. 
 
 15. (Sunday.) He that testifieth these things, &c. 
 (See Memoir p. 126.) As I read these words in the 
 Greek Testament to night, they struck my mind much. 
 Though I have enjoyment at present through mercy, yet 
 I think I could humbly say with the beloved divine, 
 when the Lord says to me, Ep'^o[xocc, — Nat ipx^ ^v^u Uo-s. 
 The glory of the heavenly Jerusalem appeared so enrap- 
 turing, about verse 21, 23, that I said, almost in unbe- 
 lief, Let me truly find these things to be fulfilled to my 
 soul when I die. The words directly after came in as a 
 security, *' And the nations of them which are saved 
 
 shall walk in the light of it." B said immediately 
 
 after service, * Mr. Martyn sends us to hell every Sunday.' 
 I was astonished at this, as I mentioned our condition by 
 the law very slightly, ^' but we have piped unto you, 
 
 and ye have not danced." Talking with Mr. V , 
 
 who told me of this, I was surprised to see how con- 
 fused his views were of the way of salvation, and I was 
 even more struck with the necessity of divine illumina- 
 tion, when I consider that serious persons, clever and 
 sensible, are sometimes so slow in coming to any thing 
 like an accurate apprehension of divine truth. How 
 
1805] JOURNAL. 319 
 
 little did I myself see of the glory of the gospel till 
 lately. Prayed after sermon in my cabin, but found my 
 thoughts too much excited to fix calmly on spiritual 
 things, and so I walked out with some pain and humili- 
 ation. Had a long conversation with Major D ; 
 
 from his great anxiety and extraordinary humility in 
 being willing to receive instruction from me, (indeed he 
 seems to think me almost infallible) I was very earnest. 
 With the utmost possible plainness, in every variety of 
 expression and illustration, did I endeavour to point out 
 the difference between the way of salvation by the law 
 and by the gospel. Yet without making objections, his 
 mind seemed to continue in darkness. I next had con- 
 versation with , one of the cadets, who appeared to 
 
 seek it. He seems very well disposed, I offered him 
 instruction in mathematics and classics, which he ac- 
 cepted. Next with the chief mate, commending his 
 leaving off swearing, which I observe is already the 
 case. I reminded him of the necessity of putting off the 
 old man, and being renewed, &c. He is one of the 
 worthiest men in the ship, but we cannot continue long 
 on religion : he is so soon out of his depth, he said he 
 always avoided anger, ever since he heard a sermon on 
 the subject, the finest he ever heard, one Wednesday at 
 St. Ann's, Blackfriars. Went below in hopes of read- 
 ing Baxter's Call to the Unconverted, but there was no 
 getting down, as they were leaking out water, so I sat 
 with the seamen on the gun-deck, in the boatswain's 
 birth ; at the request of one of them, I gave them a 
 Bible, two Testaments, Baxter's Call, and some Tracts, 
 for one mess consisting of six. As I sat there, I had a 
 long and close conversation with the carpenter, who 
 wished to appear better informed than the rest ; he 
 would not believe that he was not safe in acting accor- 
 ding to his own good thoughts : the ship's steward, 
 whom I formerly spoke to for swearing, and received a 
 disrespectful answer, used the same expression ; I re- 
 proved him again, and received the same answer, that 
 in his own thoughts he was innocent, for he meant 
 
320 JOURNAL. [1805 
 
 nothing. I told him that his sin was in mentioning those 
 words without meaning anything. This seemed to 
 strike him very forcibly. Coming up, I met the purser 
 who was ill ; I presently began with him, and talked a 
 
 considerable time ; next with Serjeant C , but could 
 
 not go on long, as the soldiers began to gather round 
 us, too near the quarter-deck ; lastly with Corporal 
 
 B , who seemed to be in a very low state. I can 
 
 get nothing from him, poor fellow ; I hardly know what 
 difficulties he may have to contend with. As I walked 
 in the evening at sun-set, I thought with pleasure, * but 
 few more suns, and I shall be where my sun shall no 
 more go down.' My dear Lydia, my sister, and all the 
 dear saints in England, I can be content to see no 
 more : I have nothing to do, but to attend diligently to 
 my work, since " the day of redemption draweth nigh." 
 After tea in prayer, the work of a missionary before me, 
 w^as as is in general, the occasion of a very serious 
 impression on my mind. Oh, that in the actual labour 
 and suffering, I may see its excellence. 
 
 16. Two things,^ &c. The flesh seemed very un- 
 willing to submit to such self-denial, especially as the 
 bodily frame, from weakness, seems scarcely able to 
 support it; however, I can but try. In my walk on 
 deck, my flesh seemed again to shrink very much from 
 fasting and prayer. Learnt a few hymn tunes on the 
 flute, some of which recalled the assemblies of the saints 
 at Cambridge. In the evening began to pray as in the 
 morning, with great barrenness, but I continued, relying 
 on his covenant mercy, ' Lord, to whom shall I go,' 
 must be my constant cry. The necessity and excellency 
 of my mission work, appeared so strong, that I set 
 about the language with great earnestness and delight. 
 
 17. A very happy season in prayer this morning, 
 much of praise and love : began to learn the use of the 
 navigation tables, and the practical method of astrono- 
 mical observations. As I began it with the belief of its 
 utility, I left ofl" without injury to my spirit ; received 
 
 ' Vide Memoir, p. 127. 
 
1805] JOURNAL. 321 
 
 W. and M. with their Euclid. In the morning M'K — 
 and the surgeon came to my cabin ; I read to them 
 Augustine's Confessions, from Milner. When they 
 were gone, I was assisted in getting my thoughts fixed 
 in prayer. I seemed at a long distance from the earth, 
 and time, and near the blessed God. My soul spoke 
 freely of its wants, particularly of the life of faith in 
 Christ, and walking happily in him, and with him. 
 Spent the rest of the night in thinking of Col. ii. 6, not 
 with much success, but profited by my thoughts being 
 summoned to aim at so spiritual a subject. Studied 
 again Rom. iv. in order to discover the Christian mo- 
 tives, and found great insight into it. Oh may I walk in 
 great humility, and if I increase in knowledge, may I 
 remain also in lowliness of spirit ! It began to blow hard 
 again ; the calmness and pleasure with which I contem- 
 plated death rather made me fear I did not fear it enough. 
 1 8 . Having had little or no sleep in the night past, 
 through the motion of the ship, rose ill and continued 
 so all day. Stood upon deck most of the morning ; 
 tried to encourage myself in the Lord ; but had little 
 fixedness of thought ; yet, through mercy, had none of 
 those heart-rending desires after this world, which I had 
 before sufi^ered under. At intervals read the Song of 
 Solomon, and Milner, but head-ache and sickness would 
 not allow of continuance in reading. Looking at the 
 sea, my soul was enabled to rejoice in the great maker 
 of it, as my God, and I thought so long and so forcibly 
 on the happiness of the blessed state hereafter, that I 
 almost began to doubt whether it were not too good to 
 be true : the rest of the day read when I could. Read 
 Ephesians, " That Christ may dwell in your hearts by 
 faith," &c. Why are these things continued, if God is 
 not willing to bestow them ? I began therefore to set 
 myself to keep my thoughts fixed on them, but passed 
 insensibly to consider of the Lord's dealings with me 
 the last four or five years. It is an occasion of thank- 
 fulness, that I am more disposed to labour and die in 
 the service, than ever I was. 
 
322 JOURNAL. [1805 
 
 20. (Vide Mem, p. 128.) Continued to read on in 
 Isaiah, the passages referring to the call of the gentiles ; 
 that one in particular, *' I will not give my glory unto 
 another, nor my praise unto graven images," I thought 
 so remarkable, that I could not but plead it with 
 some ardour, that God would fulfil the truth of it 
 in India, which for numberless ages has been sunk in 
 idolatry. .^ 
 
 21. (See Memoir p. 128.) Passed some time with 
 the astronomical tables. In the afternoon read Milner, 
 and had the young men as usual. 
 
 22. (See Memoir p. 128.) Had some thoughts of 
 devoting this day to prayer and fasting, but was unde- 
 cided as to the latter, whether it woiild be right in the 
 present weak state of my body, to omit the meal of 
 dinner. Read in the morning a good deal of David 
 Brainerd ; his dying testimony in favour of such occa- 
 sional abstinence is very weighty. I began to pray, 
 first in reference to my own soul, that it might be made 
 truly penitent. I endeavoured to take a review of my 
 life, the recollection made me burst into tears. My 
 heart w^as quite broken. Prayed at length for my 
 
 sister, my brother R . Dr. J. E. and Lydia. After 
 
 praying nearly two hours, my heart seemed to be at last 
 really poor and broken, nothing appeared so remarkably 
 deep-rooted and detestable, as that never-ceasing self- 
 complacency and esteem, which attended me amidst all 
 those causes of humiliation : I pictured myself strutting 
 about the streets and walks of Cambridge, wrapt in 
 content, thinking myself very amiable and admired, as 
 much by others as by myself. Yes, it is pride wdiich 
 surpasses all my other sins, hiding from me the extreme 
 guilt of laziness and lukewarmness. I could not have 
 borne this self-condemnation without view^s of Christ, 
 and I was shrinking continually from the search, save 
 when I applied the blood of Christ, and confirmed my 
 assurance of his all-sufficiency to save. Oh, that the 
 memory of my iniquities might never cease from before 
 me, while I sojourn in this land of sin and sorrow. 
 
1805] JOURNAL. 323 
 
 Read afterwards Psalm 1. and Dan ix. 1 Kings xvii. xxi. 
 I then walked. With respect to the enjoyment of time 
 and sense, how poor and worthless do they appear. We 
 are just to the south of all Europe, &c. (See Mem. 
 p. 130.) 
 
 24. The determination with which I went to bed 
 last night, of devoting this day to prayer and fasting, I 
 was enabled to put into execution. In my first prayer 
 for deliverance from worldly thoughts, depending on 
 the power and promises of God, for fixing my soul 
 while I prayed, I was helped to enjoy much abstinence 
 from the world, for near an hour. Then read the his- 
 tory of Abraham, to see how familiarly God had re- 
 vealed himself to mortal men of old. Afterwards, in 
 prayer for my own sanctification, my soul breathed 
 freely and ardently after the holiness of God, and this 
 was the best season in the day. During my walk, my 
 thoughts were heavenward, indeed, more than on com- 
 mon days, but not humble and careful. Endeavoured 
 to recollect all those who had desired my prayers, 
 and wrote them down. In interceding for them, I was 
 rather led to dwell on young ministers, that they might 
 be stirred up to go forth as missionaries, and for myself, 
 that I might have more firmness, warmth, vigour, 
 energy, and character. I prayed with some zeal, but 
 yet with little of the presence of God humbling my 
 heart. M'K. coming in, we had a great deal of con- 
 versation on the subject of fasting. I then went below, 
 and began Baxter's Call to the Unconverted. Three 
 of the cadets came to me with Euclid. I sat most of the 
 evening, endeavouring to compose on a subject, but 
 seemed quite spent in body and mind. I very much fear 
 that the climate, which is extremely soft and luxurious, 
 (Lat. 35^) produces this relaxation in my frame, though 
 I make every effort against it. If this should be the 
 case, what will India be ? 
 
 25. (See Memoir.) The Hindoostanee I learn is 
 vastly too fine for these men. They not only very sel- 
 dom understand my way of speaking, but are ignorant 
 
 Y 2 
 
324 JOURNAL. [1805 
 
 of many particular words very common in Gilchrist, 
 which are Arabic, I suppose. 
 
 26. Read Hindoostanee, and made some calcula- 
 tions. In the afternoon, not being able to go below, 
 I continued reading. Began Gilchrist's larger w^ork, 
 and w^as discouraged at the confusion of it. On the 
 poop at sunset, I had many happy reflections on the 
 heavenly glory, and in prayer found great delight in the 
 presence of the blessed Lord. 
 
 27. Found much comfort and benefit in the Psalms. 
 Proceeded but slowly in my composition. My mind 
 was more impressed with the value of the souls in the 
 ship, and my duty in striving to stir up myself and them, 
 to a deep apprehension of eternal things ; but it is here 
 I feel my unfitness for a missionary. I do not know 
 how to push things. I have a delicacy about me which 
 no doubt proves ruinous to souls. When I believe, and 
 therefore speak, I shall then pluck souls as brands out 
 of the burning, with haste. At present, I do not, that 
 I know of, shrink from any known method of diffusing 
 the light of truth, but I am not ingenious in methods ; I 
 do not invent ways and means in getting at men. I 
 want the essence of zeal, which if no way be open, will 
 make a way. Alas, I let men sleep, as if only in error, 
 not as on the brink of eternal fire ; yet I know not what 
 can be done but to preach, and to read to them as often 
 as the business of the ship will permit, and to converse 
 with whomsoever I can get to join with me. The oaths 
 I hear on deck move me. (Vide Memoir.) I enjoyed 
 great peace and assurance in God, confident that should 
 we be driven from the fleet and lost, my spirit would be 
 
 transported to a happier world. With Major L , I 
 
 had a long conversation on the impossibility of convert- 
 ing the Hindoos. I was not so anxious to combat his 
 arguments as desirous to say something for the convic- 
 tion of himself, but I found little opportunity. On my 
 return to the Union, by the recollection of the constant 
 objections drawn from the bigotry of the Hindoos, I 
 was led to pray that God would of a truth shew the 
 
1805] JOURNAL. 325 
 
 gospel to be his own, by causing the lighting down of 
 his arm to be seen, by a great work in that country. 
 India is consigned by the world, to the irrefragable chain 
 of Satan. Oh that God may soon interfere to remove 
 her reproach, may she " forget the shame of her youth, 
 and not remember the reproach of her widowhood any 
 more." Wrote sermon with some freedom, but was 
 soon interrupted by M'K. to whom I read Milner; the 
 part I read was the mission to England by Gregory ; it 
 interested me m.uch, and refreshed me with the prospect 
 of something to take place in India. Lord, increase my 
 zeal, that though I am but a feeble and obscure instru- 
 ment, I may struggle out my few days in great and 
 unremitting exertions for the demolition of paganism, 
 and the setting up of Christ's kingdom. 
 
 28. Again permitted to enjoy a happy abstraction 
 from the world. Lost much of the morning as to any 
 instructive purpose, in getting things to rights in my 
 cabin, and making preparations for landing at Madeira, 
 which it was thought we should see to-day. My 
 thoughts were very much engaged. (Vide Memoir.) 
 
 29. (Sunday.) On rising this morning, soon after 
 five, I found we were close to Madeira : the hills pre- 
 sented a very grand appearance, they rose almost per- 
 pendicularly from the sea ; had a brown tinge ; here and 
 there a few folds of green ; scarcely any cultivation ; and 
 a house here and there was to be seen, like a white speck 
 on the declivity. About noon, w^e anchored before 
 Funchal ; the ship was one uninterrupted scene of con- 
 fusion the whole day, and my mind was lamentably 
 distracted. After waiting till two, without having any 
 service, and being told there could be none on account 
 of the anchor's being to be weighed again, I went 
 ashore. On entering the parade at Funchal, I perceived 
 I was in a foreign country, the houses were all large 
 and stately, even the poorest, and the middle of it was 
 a walk of orange trees. The Portuguese carriers, dressed 
 only in an open shirt, and pair of draw^ers, untanned 
 leather half boots, and small conical caps, were bowing 
 
326 JOURNAL. [1805 
 
 • 
 
 and uncovering to one another with great gravity and 
 respect, &c : — they were goading on their yokes of oxen. 
 Priests, in cap, gown, and cassock, and women with 
 rosaries, and beads, w^ere passing in every direction. 
 
 I went directly to Mr. , to whom I had been given 
 
 letters, and was grieved to find him with his clerks in his 
 counting-house, doing business as on a common day ; 
 so there was no hope of preaching to-day. He gave 
 me an invitation to take my meals at his house, which 
 I accepted with great thankfulness, as there was not a 
 bed or a meal to be had at the two inns — a West India 
 fleet having preoccupied them. Till dinner, I went to 
 the great Catholic Church, and was shocked beyond 
 measure at the absurd ceremonies ; the splendour of the 
 church was beyond any thing I had conceived. The 
 priests eyed me with considerable attention, amidst the 
 crowd of officers, guessing me to be an ecclesiastic 
 I suppose. One of them, when he came to one cere- 
 mony more than ordinarily ridiculous, could not conceal 
 his laughter. At other times the few devotees there, 
 while on their knees, would laugh and talk together. 
 One young man in the dress of a priest, who was shew- 
 ing me a place which was called the sanctuary, while 
 service was going on in the next department, I addressed 
 in latin, but he did not understand. Is it possible, 
 thought I, this can be a Christian church ? I do not 
 know that any thing shocked me so much, as the burn- 
 ing of incense before the picture of St. Francis. I was 
 almost ready to shed tears with grief. A poor negro 
 woman crossed herself at this time with much fervour, 
 and apparent contrition. I thought she might be truly 
 an awakened soul, and longed to be able to speak to 
 her, but could not. At dinner, met a party of about 
 twenty ; several colonels and ladies ; every thing was in 
 the same grandeur as in London ; I was disgusted at 
 the thoughtlessness of the company on this day. We 
 had great profusion of fruit, apples, pears, grapes, 
 raisins, walnuts, almonds, and bananas, a fruit I did not 
 like. One of the clerks, who sat next me, kept me in 
 
 % 
 
1805] JOURNAL. 327 
 
 constant conversation, chiefly on religion ; he brought 
 forward all the difficulties in a wav which shewed he 
 
 was used to dispute. At last Mr. called me away 
 
 to a lodging-room he had found for me, and then we 
 read and prayed together, thus closing the Sabbath 
 more happily than we had passed through it. 
 
 30. This morning my soul was still distracted, by 
 the novelty of the scene, from a happy spiritual frame ; 
 and prayer, from the same cause, had no abiding efficacy. 
 Most of the morning passed away in waiting to get on 
 board. Going to the ship with the Captain, I was 
 obliged to step with him on board the Diadem, Sir H. 
 Popham. Sir H. was holding a levee of all the captains 
 and colonels, and giving them orders for the approach- 
 ing expedition. My mind was much recovered at this 
 time ; I walked the larboard side of the quarter-deck, 
 undisturbed by the bustle. I could not help reflecting 
 with shame on myself, while I observed Sir H.'s earnest- 
 ness of manner, in expressing himself. Till dinner, 
 wrote letters. At night, sat with my poor host, who had 
 been a hair-dresser in London forty years, a hearer of 
 Basil Woodd ; and talked to him of the gospel ; he is a 
 Roman Catholic from fear, but despises popery. This 
 evening I met an old Saxon gentleman, with whom I 
 spoke of the gospel: we conversed chiefly in French. He 
 agreed with me when I spoke of the way of salvation by 
 Jesus Christ, and then quoted this beautiful sonnet wTitten, 
 by Debareaux, I think, which was praised by Boileau. 
 
 Grande Dieu ! tes jugemens sont remplis d'equite, 
 
 Toujours tu prends plasir fl nous etre propice, 
 
 Mais j'ai tant fait de mal que jamais ta bonte, 
 
 Ne me pardonnera sans blesser ta justice, 
 
 Oui Seigneur ! la grandeur de mon impiete, 
 
 Ne laisse a ton pouvoir que la choix de supplice, 
 
 Ton interet oppose a ma felicite 
 
 Et la clemence meme attend que je perisse, 
 
 Content de ton desir, puisqu 'il t'est glorieux, 
 
 Offense toi, des pleui-s qui coulent de mes yeux, 
 
 Jonne, frappe, il est temps, rends moi guerre pour guerre, 
 
 J'adore en perissantla raison qui t'aigrit, 
 
 Mais dessus quel endroit tombora la tonnerre, 
 
 Qui ne soit tout convert du sang de Jesus Christ ? 
 
328 JOURNAL. [1805 
 October 1 . After breakfast retired with Mr. L 
 
 to his room, and read the whole of Gibert's ser- 
 mons to him. He corrected my pronunciation with 
 great care and attention, and pointed out several remark- 
 able niceties. When the celebrated La Perouse touched 
 last at Madeira, Mr. L. being introduced, conversed 
 with him. La Perouse confessed that he spoke French 
 better than any foreigner he ever heard. The rest of 
 the morning I walked about with S , the hair- 
 dresser, to the shops, and he acted as my interpreter. 
 The heat was exceedingly oppressive, I hardly knew how 
 to support myself. At my lodging in the evening, I 
 
 was about to read to S a chapter in the Bible, when 
 
 E and a relation came in. We went to my own 
 
 room, and there we had much comfortable and godly 
 conversation, in the view of seeing each other no more. 
 I read 2 Tim. ii. and iv. and prayed ; but when I was 
 alone, the fatigues and distractions of the day left me 
 little disposed to enter into my own heart. After dinner 
 to-day at Mr. Gordon's, an American speaking in a 
 very light manner of the sin of drunkenness, I thought 
 it right to reprove him : I was surprised to see how, 
 with all his ill humour, he was silenced : soon after, 
 when he happened to make the common remark, of all 
 sincere people being equally good, and was seconded by 
 Mr. G. I combated them, and in the hearing of the whole 
 party, defended the truth of God to a certain degree. 
 
 2. After writing a letter at Mr. G 's, I lost 
 
 many hours in waiting for a boat, to take me on board. 
 To and fro from the boat to the street did I pass, in the 
 greatest bustle and crowd of people I was almost ever 
 in ; it was owing to their being obliged to water, &c. one 
 hundred and fifty sail in a few hours. As our water 
 boat was placed a little beyond the surf, our carpenter 
 and myself got into a little boat, which put us on board 
 our own. In our way out, I endeavoured to lead the 
 carpenter, who is a most discontented man, to the 
 knowledge of the truth, but I believe I spoke to little 
 purpose. In the evening on board wrote letters. Mr. 
 
1805] JOURNAL. 329 
 
 Edwards sent on board two dozen of Madeira for the 
 use of the sick soldiers. 
 
 3. The East and West India fleets sailed this mor- 
 ning at sun-rise, but to what place bound is not yet 
 known. Our troops have received sixty rounds of ball 
 cartridge, and have this day been paraded, in conse- 
 quence of which they had not time for reading. Poor 
 souls, now that they are to take the field while I am 
 with them, how anxiously should I watch over them. I 
 
 said to Captain S as we were walking, without any 
 
 preamble, what godly men you soldiers ought to be, 
 who may be so suddenly called upon to give up your 
 account. He said with a smile, he did not know he 
 had any reason to be afraid ; I tried to convince him of 
 his error, but he seemed wrapt in self-confidence. 
 Passed a good part of the morning in reading Psalms 
 and Isaiah, and often parts of Scripture, in order to 
 recover from the great distraction occasioned by this 
 visit to Madeira. My mind was in general at peace. In 
 the afternoon read Milner. The evening was much 
 interrupted ; was obliged from weakness and faintness to 
 be on deck, where I was assailed by questions and con- 
 jectures about our destination. The Cape, Teneriffe, 
 the West Indies, Mexico, &c. are some of the places 
 mentioned ; but I somewhat succeeded in having my 
 thoughts on the better country, where there would be no 
 more war or bloodshed. The weakness of my body was 
 dejecting to me for a time^ lest I should never be of any 
 service in India, but peace was restored to my soul, by 
 the sweet consideration, that all was at the disposal of 
 the Lord. Read Jude, and Revelations i. and Colossians 
 ii. with much comfort and edification. 
 
 4. Read Hindoostanee. In my walk enjoyed a 
 peaceful mind, reflecting on what I had been reading ; 
 (Colos. i.) in the afternoon, had a greater number 
 than usual below ; it was apart of the Cheap Repository 
 I read, and it was more than usually profitable. I 
 addressed them on the subject of their being soon to be 
 called to the field In the evening I could do little or 
 
330 JOURNAL. [1805 
 
 nothing from head-ache. Walked a good deal upon 
 deck, and sat among the Lascars, who were upon watch, 
 endeavouring to understand their conversation, but I 
 could not yet ; conversed a little with the one who spoke 
 French. I get to be better understood by them, but 
 cannot yet follow them ; I think with delight upon the 
 day when I shall be able to speak fluently to these poor 
 creatures the precious truths of eternal life. 
 
 5. Communion with God in prayer; little about the 
 ministry and mission, rather in reference to my own 
 sanctification and expectation, that I might live uninflu- 
 enced by outward things. I succeeded in maintaining 
 for a time, a spirit elevated above the visible scene ; how 
 happy is it that God has made that a precept, the fulfil- 
 ment of which is my highest joy : '* Set your affections 
 on things above, not on things on the earth." My 
 soul, what hast thou to do here ? as thou hast bid adieu 
 to thy friends, and to the pleasantest things of this life, 
 so shalt thou ere long quit this mortal scene altogether, 
 without mixing any more with the pleasant things of 
 this world. The iiird of Colossians, which I had been 
 reading, afforded me much useful meditation during my 
 walk. In the afternoon read Milner, and below to the 
 men, and heard the young men in Euclid. After tea, 
 prayer ; — passed the rest of the evening in reflecting for 
 to-morrow. I have been helped to be rather more 
 watchful to-day. The words of Milner have dwelt 
 much upon my mind, * to believe, to suffer, and to love, 
 was the primitive taste.' I do not know that any unin- 
 spired sentence ever affected me so much. I thought in 
 my prayer, that the Lord had given me learning, or the 
 reputation of it at least among men, but how much 
 better did the possession of simplicity appear. I could 
 have willingly forgotten all I had ever read or learnt, to 
 be a man of the ancient primitive simplicity. Lord, 
 give me the spirit of a true missionary, his lowliness, his 
 patience, his love. The thermometer has been above 
 80 to-day in my cabin, without a breath of wind, yet I 
 have borne it with ease. 
 
1805] JOURNAL. 331 
 
 6. (Sunday.) Preached on John iv. 10. The want 
 of attention in those present, and the faults of my 
 manner, which M'K. pointed out, produced much de- 
 jection, but I endeavoured to check the usual train of 
 desponding thoughts, such as that I should never be 
 of any use as a public preacher, that I was only fit to be 
 a bookworm, &c. by considering that I had no right to 
 expect success ; that it was a sufficient privilege to me, to 
 be permitted to have the gospel at all entrusted to me ; 
 and that I might be very well satisfied in labouring in 
 vain to the end of my days. In a conversation with 
 Mrs. O. to-day, I was much comforted ; she spoke but 
 little, and that was so much to the purpose, that I was 
 highly delighted ; I endeavoured to consider with her, 
 to what dangers she would be most exposed. I sup- 
 posed that the cares of this world, and the deceitfulness 
 of riches, would be most likely to choke the word, but 
 she was, like Peter, very certain this would not induce 
 her to go back. In the afternoon I was grieved beyond 
 measure, at seeing the Sabbath so profaned ; the pas- 
 sengers were reading all manner of books on the quarter 
 deck ; two, whom I knew, I reproved, and they laid 
 them aside ; I went below in hopes of reading Baxter, 
 but there was no one there, as I have found to be the 
 case every Sunday. After remaining some time in con- 
 versation with one or two, I retired in great darkness, 
 to bemoan my own deadness, and that of the people, 
 before God, and found my soul wonderfully revived and 
 encouraged. I found it in my heart to pray fervently 
 for dear Christian friends, who, I hoped were praying 
 forme; audit was a delightful consideration, that on 
 this day, the cause of God and my concerns, would 
 generally go hand in hand with my praying friends. 
 After tea M'K. coming in, I read Milner and some 
 hymns ; my soul all the time being full of joy, and a 
 cheerfulness which put me on my guard. 
 
 7. In learning the three last chapters of Ephesians, 
 I was much blessed. I was persuaded that the pro- 
 hibition of foolish talking, and jesting, was little 
 
332 JOURNAL. [1805 
 
 attended to by modern Christians, and especially by 
 myself ; a saint who like the primitive Christians, 
 speaketh the truth in love, i. e. who enjoys a serious and 
 happy frame, as every one ought, is little disposed to 
 trifle ; I endeavoured to keep this in view through the 
 day, and how often did it recur as a check. I felt un- 
 comfortable from sickness, and so sat a good while on 
 the poop, reading hymns ; but I found it hard to realize 
 the happiness of heaven, at which I longed to arrive. 
 At dinner, my mind was occasionally abstracted from 
 outward things, by reflecting on the subject of the 
 hymns, particularly * Vital spark of heavenly flame.' 
 Went below in the afternoon, but the noise from some 
 of the ship business was so great in that part, that they 
 told me it was in vain to read ; had a long conversa- 
 tion with two seamen. In the evening, the devil laid a 
 snare for me I think, which threatened to drown my 
 soul in perdition ; the Lord save me, and keep my feet 
 from being taken ; oh may I with trembling awe cry to 
 him for help ! " Lead me not into temptation, but de- 
 liver me from evil." I humbly trust the issue will be 
 for the benefit of my soul. Conversing with the purser 
 to-night, upon the quarter-deck, I found he had once 
 been two days in company w^ith one of the Danish 
 missionaries at Tranquebar, but he could not give me 
 many particulars about him. I staid a long time listen- 
 ing to his narrative about many parts of the world he 
 had seen, but did not observe that my religious remarks 
 were attended to ; he told me he was well acquainted 
 w^th Mr. Brown of Calcutta, and gave a very high 
 character of him. 
 
 8. I determined to give up some time to the compo- 
 sition of sermons, a duty which, I fear, from sloth, I 
 have much neglected. Wrote on a subject the rest of 
 the morning. The violent exercise I took on deck, 
 seemed to relieve and lighten both body and mind. In 
 the afternoon, prayed as usual for the spirit of a minis- 
 ter and missionary, and went below, read Pilgrim's 
 Progress, and conversed with the men about teaching 
 
1805] JOURNAL. 333 
 
 some of them to read and to sing. They seemed to be 
 very well pleased with the idea of singing. After tea, 
 
 walked upon deck with Captain and Mr. S . I 
 
 talked to them of the popular parts of astronomy, en- 
 deavouring to lead it to a profitable purpose. In my 
 cabin had a blessed time of prayer ; my soul succeeded 
 in a measure in its struggles to get away from things of 
 sense. Oh, would to God I could live always with 
 Christ. What is it which bewitches me to be governed 
 by such trifles, so that so much of my mind is given to 
 things about which I care nothing, and so little to God, 
 whose loving kindness is better than life. 
 
 9. Wrote on a subject and walked with Mrs. O. 
 In the afternoon talked to a sick man in his hammock. 
 I observed two or three quietly drawing near, and sitting 
 on the ground to hear. I really think there is a spirit 
 of enquiry among the poor men. Read Baxter late ; at 
 the usual place. There was more serious attention and 
 grea-ter numbers than I have yet seen. In the evening 
 drew near to God in prayer. Oh how I wish I could 
 view outward things with a strange and forgetful eye, 
 and neither think nor say any thing but in seriousness 
 and love. I felt more ardour, and zeal, and desire to 
 spend and be spent for God, after this afternoon's 
 ministrations among the men. When a branch bringeth 
 forth fruit, the Father purgeth it that it may bring forth 
 more fruit. But I am at best a poor languid creature. 
 Sometimes solemn, but scarcely ever lively. By 
 reading the sermons preached before the Missionary 
 Society, I was much refreshed to-day. The interest so 
 many dear and honoured saints are taking in my work, 
 and especially the accounts of so many missionaries 
 lately gone to Tranquebar, Surat, and the Cape, whom 
 I had some hopes of seeing, quite gladdened my heart ; 
 I was disposed to bless God for the honour he had put 
 on one so unworthv. 
 
 10. Employed as yesterday. Mr. S. took up much 
 of my time by coming to learn French. By prayer be- 
 fore and after dinner, and watchfulness during it, I went 
 
334 JOURNAL. [1805 
 
 to the men below in a serious frame ; read Pilgrim*s 
 Progress ; just as I was beginning Baxter, we were in- 
 terrupted. On deck had some conversation with one of 
 the sergeants, who said with some emotion that many 
 of the men were the better for my coming among them ; 
 and that for himself he had been brought up in this per- 
 suasion, and now things that he had almost forgotten 
 were brought to his mind. At his request, I supplied him 
 with a Bible, which he wanted to buy, and a hymn-book, 
 and another book. They found a man in the regiment 
 for me who promised to assist to-morrow in singing, as 
 he had formerly sung in a choir. At night, got below, 
 without being observed, and with some Madeira and 
 water for two of the sick men ; but could not read to 
 them, as they are allowed no light. My soul was very 
 serious after this, in reflecting on the hardships of most 
 men. What reason I have to be thankful myself ! I 
 had, I thought, no wish, save to be as a light burning 
 out for God ; I could rejoice to waste away the body 
 in labouring and preaching all the day long. Let me say 
 now as in the morning, " Why is his chariot so long 
 in coming, why tarry the wheels of his chariot." Then 
 eternal seriousness shall pervade my soul, and I shall 
 join his perfect creatures in fulfilling the will of the 
 Most High. We saw some of the flying fish to-day ; 
 though I believe it was not the first time. I had seen 
 them before, but taken them for birds. The poor little 
 things are emblems of my soul. They rise to a little 
 height, but in a minute or two their fins are dry, and 
 then they drop into the waves. 
 
 1 1 . Many an animating thought was infused into 
 my heart to-day. Read Hindoostanee most of the morn- 
 ing without gaining any increase to my knowledge. 
 My temper was rather tried by it, but I was restored to 
 peace and dependence upon God for assistance in this 
 study by prayer. In the evening, my soul rose delight- 
 ing to be employed. Walking a little on deck at night, 
 found Corporal B , on watch. He was quite re- 
 vived, and I talked with him a o-ood deal on divine 
 
1805] JOURNAL. 335 
 
 things. But of the glory of heaven, and the nearness of 
 it, which is my present joy to think of, I can get no one 
 to speak. My mind is now generally very cheerful. I 
 believe that many of my former happy times in England 
 were produced, or at least heightened, by the presence 
 of external aids, as of beloved saints, ordinances, &c. 
 My chief pleasure now is, I hope, more independent. I 
 wish to be always with God, and to look forward to the 
 finishing of my work, and entering into rest. In two 
 or three days, I have been led much to think and pray 
 forLydia in this respect, lest she should be disquieted on 
 my account. I know not how this thought has arisen 
 now, and not before. 
 
 12. After wasting a great deal of time in a careless 
 perusal of Holy Scripture, I felt very unhappy, but by 
 prayer was excited again to peace and seriousness ; the 
 
 time below deck was spent in singing with B and 
 
 L ; the men got round us in great numbers, and 
 
 seemed disposed to assist with great readiness. 
 
 12. (Sunday.) Service before dinner ; endeavoured 
 to have my soul fixed on divine things, in seriousness, 
 and deep conviction of the awful responsibility to God. 
 Preached on Rom. vii. 18. Went below in the after- 
 noon, and talked a little in Hindoostanee with Cadi; he 
 could understand me tolerably, but I could not follow 
 him. Read Baxter's Call to the men, and found some 
 parts so affecting, that I warned them even with tears. 
 In the evening, had a long season of communion with 
 God, through his mercy. Prayed chiefly for the in- 
 crease of my soul in grace, particularly in love and zeal. 
 Oh the difference when God is present, and when not ! 
 The time passed happily ; I seemed to fear no interrup- 
 tion ; it was not with difficulty that I beheld his glory, 
 as in general, but he was nigh me ; it was pleasant and 
 easy to pray, and I did it for all the ministers and 
 brethren in England, for the heathen world, and India 
 in particular. M'K. coming in, we read several chap- 
 ters of the Bible together. Bless the Lord, O my soul, 
 for all the benefits he hath done unto me. Farewell 
 
336 JOURNAL. [1805 
 
 wicked world, from henceforth is it my desire to labour 
 for Christ, and then to die. 
 
 14. Alas, my days so few, my work so great, and 
 my account so woeful, what ails me that I sleep ? much 
 time passed away this morning in reading and prayer, 
 but want of energy wasted my time. I felt thankful for 
 1 Cor. xiii. that God had given such a beautiful picture 
 of Christian temper ; my prayers were chiefly for myself ; 
 my ostensible employment, was writing on a subject, but 
 I did little. M'K. indeed prevented much ; my attention 
 during my walk on deck was taken up with things which 
 did not belong to me ; prayer however delivered me 
 from the pain which a succession of merely earthly 
 thoughts always produces. 
 
 15. Spent much time with Major D. and M'K. 
 separately ; endeavouring to mediate and produce a 
 reconciliation ; M'K. acts with great propriety. I am 
 understood by the blacks better still, but I cannot catch 
 their words. Below, we sung hymns, and I read Bax- 
 ter's Call. I felt pressed in spirit to speak to them the 
 word of God. My usual deadness seemed to have van- 
 ished ; I could have poured away my life to persuade 
 them to return. M'K. came down while we sung, and 
 was ridiculed and bantered by them all on his coming 
 up. To-day, one of the waiters at table fell into an 
 apoplectic fit, brought on it is said by drunkenness. 
 Awful state ! he is still raving. I still enjoy health and 
 strength, though the thermometer, which has been grad- 
 ually rising to 80^, is to-day 85^. In the evening at 
 prayer, my soul panted after God, and cried fervently 
 for a short time, after a perfect conformity to the holy 
 nature of Jesus Christ. O that I may be kept faithful 
 a few years longer, and I shall be out of danger. " In 
 my Father's house are many mansions." 
 
 16. The first part of the morning was spent with 
 some distraction in desultory reading. John xv. con- 
 \'inced me how little or nothing I know of abiding in 
 Christ. *' So shall ye bring forth much fruit. ^' Enjoyed 
 some happy reflections this evening, as I sat refreshed 
 
1805] JOURNAL. 337 
 
 by the evening breeze on the poop. In prayer after tea, 
 I was led to cry for sincerity and openness of heart 
 before God. I felt that I am apt to be satisfied with a 
 few religious affections, excited by a sense of the shortness 
 of time, &c. but that I really enjoy little of actual and spi- 
 ritual communion with God in Christ. The thought of 
 death and the resurrection is very sweet to me. My 
 chief concern now seems to be, to wait patiently for it, 
 and to beware of distrusting God's promises concerning 
 it. The first Christians thought much of this, because 
 they had little prospect of a comfortable stay in 
 this world. So now that I neither enjoy the company 
 I like, nor have the expectation of ever doing so, all my 
 expectations are led on more naturally to the delights of 
 another world. 
 
 17. Little done to-day. A conversation at dinner 
 respecting the Indians, roused more than ever my desire 
 to go amongst them. In the evening was blessed in 
 prayer, by being assisted to lay my heart open before 
 God. The Lord only knows what a poor cold creature 
 I am, and how miserably I mis-spend my time. Oh that 
 I may walk more in the fear of God. 
 
 18. Had a long and earnest conversation this morn- 
 ing with Major D , on the subject of our accept- 
 ance with God. He is a candid self-righteous man. I 
 left off with begging him to read Rom. iii. with prayer. 
 I had great boldness also, in telling Captain O. of his 
 sins. In the afternoon was again prevented going 
 
 below ; had some conversation with G in French, 
 
 and C in Hindoostanee. M*K passed the evening 
 
 with me : we read Milner ; was filled with shame at 
 night in reflecting on my unprofitableness, and on the 
 carelessness of my walk before God. Oh, let the mercy 
 of God spare me yet longer, that I may never dare any 
 more to serve God, but with reverence and godly 
 fear. 
 
 19. Finished writing a sermon before breakfast, and 
 afterwards was employed in reading and prayer, and 
 considering the sermon ; the heat made it impossible to 
 
 z 
 
338 JOURNAL. [1850 
 
 continue in my cabin for head-ache, and so I was 
 obhged to be much on deck. Resumed the conversation 
 
 with Major D on the same subject ; he had been 
 
 reading Romans iii. but could not understand it. Read 
 Milner and Dow ; my heart was departing from God, 
 but prayer revived my soul. Found my spirit breathing 
 after God in the evening at prayer, and hoped I should 
 really be able to keep my eyes always on Jesus ; that I 
 should be able to labour henceforth with utter unconcern 
 about human opinions, and with simple reference to the 
 will and pleasure of Jesus Christ. I thought at night of 
 various scenes of pleasure, such as living in a useful 
 sphere, in a beautiful country, united to Lydia ; but I 
 could see no pleasure at all in it. How is the chain 
 broken ! It seems to me as if no one thing could ever 
 more give me pleasure, but something in connection 
 with the eternal w^orld. Show me something that will 
 bring me to God, or God to me, and I am satisfied. 
 The world without this is all nothing. Oh, my soul, 
 why not live thus in heaven according to thy duty and 
 privilege. 
 
 20. (Sunday.) Endeavoured as usual to launch 
 away into eternity, so as to feel above, and beyond, all 
 concern about men, excepting their souls. Preached on 
 Rom. viii. 7, but not freely, owing perhaps to following 
 the divisions and short sentences of Jonathan Edwards 
 too closely. In the evening had my soul fixed in a 
 measure in prayer, and intercession for missionaries in 
 different parts, but especially for those at Sierra Leone, 
 in the latitude of which place we were to-day. M'K. 
 who passed much of the evening with me, told me of the 
 same defects of manner, of which I have often heard, 
 induced as he said, by what they said to him about me. 
 ' Martyn is a good scholar, but not much of an orator.' 
 M'K. said it was a want of easy flow, arising as he 
 thought, from a want of confidence in my own abilities. 
 This reminded me of Mr. Cecil's observations ; I was 
 rather dispirited by it, as I hardly know how to remedy 
 it, and if it be not remedied, I am afraid I shall make but 
 
1805] JOURNAL. 339 
 
 a dull preacher to Indians. " But not by power, nor 
 by might, but by my Spirit." 
 
 21. If there be any thing I do, if there be any thing 
 I leave undone, let me be perfect in prayer. So I 
 thought in the morning. In prayer I was fervent at 
 times, but without a spirit of deep humiliation I am 
 never happy. The captain of the Botany-men came on 
 board to-day ; I thought of the opportunity of getting 
 some Testaments aboard, but the character of the cap- 
 tain hindered me. The fear of man, too, operated ; for 
 all round him were engaged in such busy inquiry about 
 new^s from the Commodore, that the fear of ridicule, I 
 believe, prevented my asking him to take the books. 
 However, my conscience gave me no trouble when he 
 left the ship. Now only when I write the events of the 
 day, do I see the matter in its true light. I am so 
 grieved, that I would give almost any thing to get them 
 on board the Pitt. I bless God I shall have one more 
 opportunity ; the fleet are to rendezvous in St. Salvador, 
 South America, according to fresh orders received to- 
 day. In the afternoon I could get no lower than the 
 gun-deck, the sailors' berth, where meeting with Cade, 
 I read to him and the rest of the Lascars, the prayer of 
 Parboter, w^hich I had been translating into Hindoos- 
 tanee. They seemed to understand me perfectly ; Cade 
 corrected my pronunciation in a few words, and one 
 or two other words they did not understand, but I was 
 surprised at being able to gain their attention at all. 
 Before tea on the poop, I was sitting with the cadets 
 looking at the lightning ; I said a little about having 
 such a God for an enemy, but somehow I feel afraid of 
 speaking frequently to them, for fear of surfeiting them. 
 I believe indeed it cannot be fear of men, because I 
 speak as plainly as possible to them in preaching. In 
 the evening had the presence of the Lord in prayer, the 
 ease and peace of my own soul in the contemplation of 
 faith * ^ were as usual my subject, 
 
 and fitness for the mission. In the latter, I have re- 
 ceived an encouraging answer, as at night. I conversed 
 
 z 2 * 
 
340 JOURNAL. [1805 
 
 tolerably with the blacks, and even understood a little 
 what they said. Mr. K. sat with me at night, a squall 
 coming on, and producing great noise on deck, our 
 conversation led to death. I could have wept for the 
 state of the poor unprepared souls in the ship ; at night 
 I was led to consider what on my death-bed would be 
 my retrospective views. If I should look back and see 
 a life of eminent strictness, should I lament any thing, 
 but that it was not more strict ? — and yet my flesh sinks 
 from fasting and long prayer. But oh world, flesh, 
 and Devil, I have declared war against you all ; my 
 single inquiry shall now be, through grace, what is the 
 Lord's will. Thus, Christ strengthening me, I shall 
 triumph in faith. My heart is distressed at the thought 
 of my unfitness for public preaching ; but through 
 Christ's grace I shall be taught to be content with such 
 gifts as I possess, and improve them without asking any 
 more. T read three chapters of Corinthians on the 
 subject, and learnt, 1. *' That the spirit divideth seve- 
 rally as he will," and, 2. " Covet earnestly the best 
 gifts." 
 
 22. Passed the morning till dinner, in prayer and 
 reading ; first, prayed for the presence of God and due 
 preparation, afterwards, in reference to the ministry, 
 and then for all Christian friends in England, with 
 much freedom and increase of seriousness. The rest of 
 the day till evening, I had intended to continue in fast- 
 ing and prayer for the church at large, but not being 
 able to get any air, in consequence of rain, I grew 
 so exceedingly weak, as to be fit for nothing more. In 
 the afternoon Cade came to my cabin, and I read to him 
 sentences from the prayers of Parboter. I desired him 
 to repeat it in English, from which I found that he 
 understood scarcely a quarter of it, yet he, and all with 
 him, a day or two before, pretended to listen with great 
 interest while I read it. I felt not a little disconcerted 
 at this. When we came to the simple sentence, Ec, &c. 
 I could not help asking, do you believe you shall ever 
 be saved bv the blood of Christ? He declined an- 
 
1805] JOURNAL. 341 
 
 swering for some time, but said at last, ' Who hath seen 
 the blood of God ? ' with the contemptuous smile of a 
 modern sceptic, and then began to tell a long and 
 laboured story which he said w^as in the Koran. I am 
 afraid I shall be able to get but little good from him ; 
 one thing however I have perhaps learnt, that the atten- 
 tion of an Indian audience is not to be depended upon. 
 
 At night read Flavel, but was much taken up by . 
 
 He came to relate his encounter with some of the most 
 bitter opponents of religion below ; they still believe him 
 to be a hypocrite, and want to draw him back again. Of 
 me they said little, and that not in my favour. They gave 
 me up as a mad enthusiast ; I was very little offended at 
 this, my soul wants more of God. I have no inclination 
 to harass myself any more about the trifles of this world. 
 23. Continuing weak and low-spirited. My heart 
 tried with great distrust, Very unhappy through not being 
 able to trust God for assistance in the ministerial work. 
 The weakness and languor of my body under the heat, 
 made me fear I never should be useful as a preacher in 
 India. About the middle of the day, I considered, 
 what means this misery ? Is it not of God that I am 
 led into outw^ard trials and difficulties, that my faith 
 may be tried ? Supposing that you are obliged to 
 return, or even that you never see India, but wither and 
 die hereabouts, what is that to you? Do the will of 
 God to-day where you are, and leave the rest to him. 
 My soul was somewhat eased by casting my burden on 
 the Lord, and the rest of the day I enjoyed a solemn 
 tranquillity. In prayer in the evening, I felt a blessed 
 resignation to God, and a desire to forget, and be for- 
 gotten, by all the world for him. Wished that if I 
 should hereafter become a more public character, I 
 might hear the praises of men without a smile, and 
 their censures without a sigh, and go on w^ith perfect 
 disregard, withdrawn from the world, looking in secret 
 to the judgment of the great day, when the secrets of the 
 heart shall be manifest. Oh, that the deepest serious- 
 ness were uninterrupted in all my conversation. 
 
342 JOURNAL. [1805 
 
 24. Much dejected the whole day, through mistrust 
 of the promised grace of God to assist me in the minis- 
 terial work. I am disposed to fret that I have no time 
 for such necessary study as learning the Hindoostanee ; 
 I turned again and again, till my mind was quite tired. 
 The heat also was so oppressive, that 1 could hardly 
 tell how to place my body at rest. In the afternoon went 
 below again, and read Baxter, and sung. Going down 
 a second time, I found my little flock collected and none 
 others present, or not very near. They were four, and 
 I addressed a word of exhortation and encouragement to 
 each, and afterwards in the evening had much comfort 
 in prayer for them. One of them asked me to explain 
 the verse, "for everv idle word," which I did in the 
 strictest sense, according to corresponding passages in 
 Ephesians. Oh, may I henceforth be very careful to set 
 them an example of such godly conversation. Came 
 on a little better at night in writing. 
 
 25. Rather more tranquil in my mind to-day ; 
 felt the exceeding privilege of prayer in upholding 
 my head even in the midst of the thoughts which 
 disquieted me. I wished I had had more time for longer 
 communion with God. Unhappily when I have more 
 time and a mind more at ease, I can go on too long in 
 quietness without intimate communion. Writing all the 
 morning ; advancing very slowly. Went below in the 
 afternoon, but found none to hear. Had great satis- 
 faction in reflecting this evening on the proofs that my 
 hourly wisdom was not to repine, and look for a change, 
 but to consider what is my duty in the existing circum- 
 stances, and then to do it in dependence on grace. 
 Nothing better than this can be adopted. 
 
 26. Employed most of the day about my sermon, 
 and found much assistance. Blessed be God, he is 
 always better to me than my fears. In the afternoon 
 we sang a number of hymns below. In the even- 
 ing tasted great joy in the consideration of a part of my 
 subject. Was much pleased to-day at the manoBuvring 
 of the ships which passed under the Commodore's stern 
 
1805] JOURNAL. 343 
 
 in succession, and received orders, ourselves among the 
 rest, to proceed as fast as we could, with the Leda and 
 fastest- sailing ships for St. Salvador. 
 
 27. Rose in tolerable tranquillity, feeling a carnal 
 confidence in the preparation 1 had made. Till service 
 spent much of that time which had better have been 
 spent in prayer, in considering the subject still more. 
 But with all my anxiety and precaution, I had no 
 greater fluency than before. The subject was Matt. xi. 
 28. to which the soldiers paid little attention ; they sel- 
 dom indeed, do, to any thing encouraging. Went among 
 them on the forecastle afterwards, and was shocked as 
 usual with their horrid blasphemies. I have spoken to 
 them about swearing in such a variety of ways, that I 
 am at a loss to know what to say to them. One man 
 looked with the utmost arrogance and disdain, as if 
 wondering I should call him to account : their blind and 
 headlong course of wickedness makes me think often of 
 the words, " Led captive by him at his will." Had 
 
 some close conversation with Ser. G . Poor B 
 
 who w^as the person I went to visit at the forecastle, 
 was so extremely ill as not to be able to speak. Belol, 
 a young Lascar from Surat, seemed to watch me with 
 such kindness and attention in his countenance, while I 
 was talking to the men , that I thought of the words, 
 **had I sent thee to them, people of a strange speech, 
 they would have hearkened unto thee." These Mussul- 
 men seem to be quite delighted, if I will but try to speak 
 to them ; and they seem eager to help me out. They 
 addressed me as I past to-day ; but though I can speak 
 a little to them, I cannot converse with them. Was 
 kept from prayer before dinner by Mr. K. continuing in 
 my cabin. Want of more prayer left me extremely 
 light. In the afternoon, not being able to get below, I 
 read 1 Chron. and enjoyed sweet reflections, and inter- 
 cession for my beloved friends in England. My dear 
 sister lay very near my heart. 
 
 28. Rose with somewhat of the same impression on 
 my mind, as that in wiiich I had retired last night, of 
 
344 JOURNAL. [1805 
 
 the necessity of stirring myself up to activity in Christ's 
 service, instead of being carried on in the dull routine 
 of studies. At the beginning of my voyage, when my 
 soul was sinking in the deep waters of troubles, my 
 only relief was to fly to the bosom of God ; but now that 
 every thing is more comfortable without and within, I 
 ungratefully think of the time for prayer without plea- 
 sure. O Lord ! who hast borne with thy miserable crea- 
 ture so long, *' create in me a clean heart, and renew a 
 right spirit within me." The chief point to which the 
 Spirit of God awakened my attention was prayer. I 
 am not a man of prayer ; I think I have something else 
 to do besides pray. How many hundreds of millions 
 of souls lying in heathen darkness there are — how many 
 millions of heathen souls professing Christ — how few 
 who preach the truth as it is in Jesus — how few among 
 them are willing to go out to visit the deserts of pagan- 
 ism ! And even of those' few who are ' thrust out,' ^ 
 here is one who will not take the trouble to pray. 
 Where then shall poor dying souls find an advocate. 
 My soul cried out for a spirit of prayer and supplication 
 in behalf of the church ; but I know by continual expe- 
 rience, that I shall not only flag, but forget altogether 
 my present resolutions, if the Lord do not quicken my 
 slumbering conscience. But adieu ! folly and sloth, I 
 will be, through grace, the servant of Christ ; and the 
 little I can do for India I will, which is praying for it. 
 The rest of the evening my soul had more of the fear of 
 God before its eyes. Entered passages from Hooker 
 into Common Place Book, and read Flavel on the sub- 
 ject I wished to write on. Mr. K. afterwards came in, 
 and by mere worldly conversation I grew cold and 
 languid. 
 
 29. A day no better than the former ; notwithstand- 
 ing the recollections with which I rose in the morning, 
 concerning what ought to be the manner of my life. 
 The morning was frittered away by reading Flavel, irk 
 
 ^ Vid. Matt, ix, 38. Luke x. 2. 
 
1805] JOURNAL. 345 
 
 reference to the subject on which I meant to write. 
 Another thing which always injures my spirit, without 
 great caution, was some astronomical calculations for 
 finding the longitude by a lunar observation. At night, 
 as I w^as beginning, after some liveliness in prayer, to 
 
 prosecute my work with vigour, M came in, and 
 
 the rest of the evening might be called lost. I read 
 Milner and Dow. But oh ! what a weak creature I am, 
 to be thus the sport of every trifling distraction, parti- 
 cularly when God and his glories invite and command 
 my diligence. God put his fear into my heart, that I 
 may be more w^atchful and spiritual ! 
 
 30. This morning about six o'clock we crossed 
 the line. My soul kept near to God for the first 
 part of the morning, but the finishing of the calcu- 
 lations again left me dissatisfied at not having gone 
 forward in my proper work. Had some conversation 
 with a young man, w^ho keeps close to me notwithstand- 
 ing the scoffs of the rest. In general I was in much 
 dejection to-day, partly from a bodily cause, but chiefly 
 on account of my sinful propensity to a continual absent 
 departure from God, through laziness, and a continuing 
 from him through unbelief. But in the evening God 
 restored me to considerable peace, by enabling me to 
 open my heart before him, and to write on my subject. 
 Oh that I could begin every thing with God, prosecute 
 it in the presence of God, and then after the conclusion 
 return far from men to be in secret with my God. 
 
 31. This morning was lost in a great measure, by 
 the confusion the ship was in, from the idle ceremony 
 of ducking, &c. I thought it right to be present at the 
 procession of Neptune ; at short intervals I read Hin- 
 doostanee, and was careful not to let my heart wander 
 from God, in vanity and unbelief. In the afternoon 
 read Dow, as there was no getting below. Was much 
 delighted with a young Lascar called Belol, who spoke 
 so slowly and distinctly for my sake, that I could un- 
 derstand him pretty well ; he said he knew the Farree 
 and Arabic. I tried him by writing his name in Arabic ; 
 
34G JOURNAL. [1805 
 
 he repeated the Persian alphabet exceedingly well, as I 
 supposed, from his way of pronouncing the peculiar 
 gutturals ; he was highly pleased at a story from 
 Gilchrist which I read to him, and said he perfectly 
 understood me. On asking him how he liked one of the 
 midshipmen who is generally disliked, he said, ' when he 
 tells me to go aloft I go, when he tells me to go down, I 
 go — to do that, I do it, — he is my officer ; he is a white 
 man and I a black — is not that right. Sir ? ' I was on 
 the whole much charmed with this graceful, active, and 
 amiable Mussulman. O what would I have given to 
 have seen him a Christian ! My heart burned with 
 desire to impart the Gospel of God to him ! 
 
 November 1. An awful and affecting day. About 
 break of day signals of distress were fired, and a ship 
 was observed aground near some breakers. We bore 
 away, but the frigate stood towards her. About the 
 middle of the morning we tacked again towards her 
 after the frigate, and from the mast head two ships were 
 observed aground. Presently one disappeared, and we 
 were struck with a sort of panic, from concluding she 
 must have gone to pieces. At last the breakers came 
 in sight to us upon deck, and soon after two white 
 sand banks behind them, terminated either way by a 
 long reef of frightful rocks. Looking steadily with my 
 glass, I saw two men on the beach, and presently after 
 could count twelve or thirteen on the top of the beach, 
 which seemed to be green. Looking again, I saw a pole 
 elevated with a hat or jacket on the top of it, and a 
 clump of men round it, and at different parts of the 
 beach parties of men and one or two ladies. The rocks 
 and surf were frightful. The appearance was that of 
 columns alternately w^hite and dark. The white ones 
 gradually melting away, and succeeded by others, so 
 prodigiously high were the breakers. About this time 
 several pieces of wTeck floated by us, a chest of drawers, 
 barrels, boards, &c. I saw a cabin door with the glass 
 window in it pass by us. One of the frigates' boats then 
 came alongside (i. e.) within hail, in her wav to the 
 
1805] JOURNAL. 347 
 
 island, for the ships were afraid to come very near, and 
 told us it was the King George transport that was lost ; 
 but that only three officers were lost out of the whole, 
 that one of them was General Yorke of the artillery. 
 We then sent a boat on board the frigate, and learnt 
 that the other ship was supposed to be the Britannia, 
 and that every sailor on board had perished. So much 
 only we know, but wait with anxiety for to-morroW for 
 further information. The Leda had not received all her 
 boats back when night drew on. M'K. coming in at 
 night said that he had just heard from the mate that our 
 own escape was almost miraculous, for if the second 
 mate who was on watch from twelve to four, had not 
 called up the captain and first mate, we should have been 
 ashore, for we were very near, and the reef lay exactly 
 across our track. The interest excited by the whole 
 transaction through the ship was remarkable, and my 
 anxiety about the sufferers engrossed most of my 
 thoughts. Circumstances added solemnity to my prayers 
 to-day, but the power of God, and the approach of 
 death, kept me back from God, till my soul found its 
 encouragement in the promises of grace. In Christ I 
 feel safe, for I know that all things are mine, whether 
 life or death. M'K. and myself prayed together 
 for the first time to-night. 
 
 2. We obtained no further intelligence respecting 
 the ship. I was employed all the day in writing, but 
 M'K. took away much of the precious time. In the 
 afternoon we sung below. Finished Dow. At night 
 enjoyed much serenity and solemnity of mind at getting 
 my work done. 
 
 3. Sunday. Was composed and comfortable in 
 prayer, and free from that distraction and anxiety which 
 generally haunts me when about to preach ; my subject 
 was John iii. 14, 15. I had some time for reading and 
 prayer afterwards, but I found it hard to pray ; and 
 something in Archbishop Leigh ton very much dejected 
 me. However, I strove to keep nigh to God by repeat- 
 ing Scripture, in my walk. One squadron which had 
 
348 JOURNAL. [1805 
 
 been detached from the main fleet, yesterday rejoined it, 
 in consequence of the loss we had sustained, and to-day 
 we are left behind by all but one. Our captain was 
 much concerned at navigating in these unknown seas 
 alone, and therefore fired a shot, and made signal for 
 that one ship to come down, which at first she refused to 
 do, but presently hoisted signal of an enemy in sight. 
 So that one alarm succeeded another with us ; but they 
 were all dissipated towards night by the main fleet 
 appearing from the mast-head. The captain said we 
 must have passed the same island, the fatal Ronas, last 
 night, within a mile of it, and yet though we had been 
 looking out in every direction, we did not see it. Thus 
 we may be well said to be walking in the " valley of the 
 shadow of death; " but " I fear no evil, thy rod and thy 
 staff will comfort me ;" but oh that my conversation may 
 be in heaven, where if I die I hope to be. With what a 
 spirit ought I to preach, and they to hear, when every 
 instant the ship may strike on a sand-bank. This after- 
 noon sung and read Baxter's Call ; it was a very affect- 
 ing part, and the number of hearers much greater, so 
 that I was willing to believe that good was doing. I 
 was wondering at myself, why I did not rejoice more, 
 and feel happy at thus having the songs of Zion sung, 
 and the word of God preached to as many as would 
 come. I can ascribe it only to this, that in England, 
 I scarcely ever had joy from God alone ; there are so 
 many assistants to joy in the society of those we love, 
 that it is comparatively easy to be happy, and we are 
 ready, (at least I was,) to account it all love of God, 
 shed abroad in the heart by the Holy Ghost; but I 
 now find that true joy in God, independent of all worldly 
 adjuncts, is what I am little acquainted with. In the 
 evening, till interrupted by M'K., the Lord answered my 
 supplications, by shewing he was with me of a truth, I 
 was grieved at being interrupted ; he sat with me till very 
 late, when he proposed prayer ; but I told him we had 
 better have stated seasons, and not wait till we were 
 exhausted by the day. 
 
1805] JOURNAL. 349 
 
 4. Had very painful convictions of my deadness and 
 unbelief; sometimes prayer had so little effect on my 
 mind, that I almost despaired of ever being of any use 
 in the world. I should scarcely be acknowledged among 
 the pious Christians as one at all, or any thing but a 
 philosophical dabbler in religion ; I am far too proud, 
 instead of hanging as a child on its mother's breast, I 
 can pass my time far too pleasingly and continually with 
 my books, and in pleasures of intellect and speculations, 
 instead of living only upon God. The coast of South 
 America came in view this morning ; by prayer before 
 and after dinner, I began to enjoy more comfort in my 
 thoughts ; this moment, while I am writing, we have 
 been speaking the Europe, who tells us the Britannia was 
 lost on the reef, but that all were saved. 
 
 5. Morning chiefly passed by making extracts 
 in my common-place-book from Milner, and from 
 Edwards on Faith. The reflection that my direct 
 and proper business was to be a man of prayer, 
 encouraged me to pray. On the poop, the number 
 of hearers was three or four times as many, and as 
 the gun-deck above was clear, some of the cadets and 
 midshipmen heard. It is the singing, I believe, that 
 attracts them. There was a solemn attention to Baxter ; 
 two of the seamen came, which were the first I had seen. 
 These things would make my heart overflow with grati- 
 tude if I knew how unworthy I was of being listened to ; 
 I endeavoured to be persuaded that my proper portion 
 every day was extreme suffering, and while these 
 thoughts remained, the flame of thankful love broke 
 out. The ministry in the ship and mission were the 
 subject of my thoughts at this time. At night my soul 
 burned with zeal ; but these, I fear, are transient 
 affections. 
 
 6. A day passed more with God than any for a long 
 time past. The prevailing reflection of my mind was 
 this, that the whole of the proper business of my life 
 was prayer. I might write sermons, or read the lan- 
 guage, but intercession for the interests of the church, 
 
350 JOURNAL. [1805 
 
 was my direct and proper occupation, as a missionary. 
 This thought in my mind served as a constant check to 
 carnality, and my soul rejoiced in God. In prayer at 
 different times, my soul seemed to increase in holiness. 
 To plead with God for a more meek submission to his 
 holy will, and for profound humility and resignation, was 
 easy and delightful, while I felt these tempers in some 
 degree of exercise. Passed much of the morning in 
 Hindoostanee. Was very much tired about the middle 
 of the day ; but the trial was of short continuance, for I 
 was enabled to embrace by faith the precious promises, 
 and found instant deliverance from guilt and the power 
 of corruption. The cloud passed away and the sun- 
 shine returned. With the officers on deck I had much 
 conversation about drunkenness. We were so near the 
 shore of America, that I could see with a glass the 
 forests that covered the whole land, and distinguish the 
 trees peculiar to the tropics, with a naked stem and 
 spreading summit. The conversation after tea turning 
 on Hume and other infidels, I felt in a most extraordi- 
 nary degree exasperated against their memory, and it 
 was some time before I could soothe the tumult by 
 prayer. My soul glories in the power of Jesus. *' Why 
 do the heathen rage," occurred to my memory, as apply- 
 ing to those enemies of Jesus Christ, and of the happiness 
 of human souls ; but the reign of Satan and his agents 
 shall be short. " I saw Satan like lightning fall from 
 heaven." Began to-day to pray over the passages of 
 Isaiah that refer to the spread of the gospel, and found 
 God peculiarly present to my soul. 
 
 7. In general, to-day, formal in prayer, particularly 
 in the one over Isaiah, in the middle of the day. Oh 
 how soon doth spiritual-mindedness hasten to decay. 
 This truth I seem to be learning, that the utmost efforts 
 of reason are insufficient to elicit one spark of true holi- 
 ness from the mind ; unless the Spirit lighten the sacri- 
 fice with fire from heaven, there it remains dead and 
 cold. 
 
 8. Had a little more spirituality in prayer, in the 
 
1805] JOURNAL. 351 
 
 middle of the day, for the church ; I trust the Lord will 
 enable me to persevere in this. Prayed in the evening 
 with much earnestness. My soul seemed to rejoice in 
 calling the blessed God my God in Christ for ever. I 
 rose free from the world, and appeared to speak freely 
 to him without interruption. From this the great day 
 of judgment was brought to my mind, with a nearness I 
 never before experienced. I thought how ministers 
 would be called to be judged, one by one, by him who 
 was no respecter of persons, and endeavoured to think 
 of all the solemn questions that would be put to them. 
 Did you '' watch for souls," &c. Oh may the judgment 
 of that great day be ever present to my mind. 
 
 9. Uneasy as usual on the Saturday, through ex- 
 cessive anxiety about being prepared. Oh w^ould that 
 my care were from a w^ish to approve myself to God. 
 Had a long conversation with the Captain this evening ; 
 made several ineffectual efforts to introduce religion. 
 In the afternoon, sung below, and expounded a chapter ; 
 passed the rest of the evening in thinking of my subject. 
 
 10. (Sunday.) My soul in that wavering state, in 
 which it so often is on the Sabbath morning, between 
 anxiety, and that spirituality so congenial to the holy 
 day. But it was disquieting myself in vain, as oh other 
 accounts we had no service ; for soon after breakfast, a 
 strange sail bore in sight, which the Captain, from her 
 manoeuvres, took for an enemy ; on which all hands were 
 ordered to their quarters, and the ship cleared as much 
 as it could be for action. The soldiers had ten rounds 
 of ball cartridges. M., who was to command the cadets 
 on the poop under Major D., sat with me some time 
 during the state of suspense. I was much pleased with 
 his remarks, which were suitable to the solemnity of the 
 occasion. His post was that of great danger, and he 
 seemed prepared to die. To the Captain I could say 
 nothing of a religious nature ; he was in a great ferment, 
 and told me he was determined rather to fight till the 
 ship sunk, than strike to a privateer. However, soon 
 after tw^elve, the ship bore aw^ay out of sight, but it was 
 
352 JOURNAL. [1805 
 
 too late for divine service. At this I again felt a secret 
 pleasure, which gave a deep v^ound to my peace. 
 However, after some time spent in prayer, I was 
 brought, through grace, to a somewhat different state. I 
 therefore w^ent and asked the mate when we were to 
 have service ; he said not at all if the rain continued, 
 w^hich it did all day. The last chapter of Colossians 
 was very applicable to me this day, especially those 
 words, *^ Continue in prayer, and watch in the same 
 with thanksgiving, withal praying for me that a door 
 may be opened, that I may speak the mystery of Christ." 
 Oh here was a door opened, but I had no heart to use 
 the opportunity. " Say to Archippus, take heed to the 
 ministry, that thou fulfil it." I could substitute another 
 name for Archippus. Had a service below in the after- 
 noon, where, besides singing, we had Baxter, and an 
 Exposition of the Scriptures. Many were present, and 
 with them two of the cadets on the deck above, and the 
 surgeon. After tea, had a most vehement and interest- 
 ing dispute with Captain O. in the cuddy, before a 
 great number of the others. He endeavoured to main- 
 tain that drunkenness and swearing had no harm in them, 
 and went so far as to say, that great part of the scrip- 
 ture w^as priestcraft, and that God was to blame for 
 giving him such a nature. This began from our hear- 
 ing the boatswain's mate using the song they sometimes 
 sing out in pulling a hard rope. — (This man has lately 
 attended me regularly, and I was quite shocked at hear- 
 ing him use such a string of blasphemies.) I pressed 
 Captain O. with scripture, till he w^as obliged to shift 
 his ground. He had nothing to say to which the Lord 
 did not give me a ready answer, but held that drunken- 
 ness in scripture does not apply to occasional drunken- 
 ness, and that the law which forbade drunkenness was 
 not made till man had been sometime in the world. 
 
 11. Writing letters all day. In the afternoon a pilot 
 came on board — told us that had we continued to steer 
 as we were doing, we should have run upon some rocks, 
 where many ships have been lost. Oh how sweet to 
 
1805] JOURNAL. 353 
 
 perceive such repeated instances of God's guardian care. 
 At night, as we drew near St. Salvador, we were much 
 alarmed at the danger of running aground. As they 
 sounded, the depth was from ten to seven, and from 
 seven to five fathoms. The Captain roared out in a 
 fury to the pilot, ' four fathom and the ship is aground ! ' 
 However, we soon got into deep water, and came to 
 just outside the harbour. 
 
 12. Cried to God for deliverance from that lively 
 interest about worldly things, — such as the new scenes I 
 visit, — with which my soul is drawn away from God. On 
 coming out, the coast of America was close to us, 
 beautified with much romantic scenery. On going 
 ashore, saw for a long time nothing but negro slaves, 
 male and female, very good-looking cheerful people. 
 As we stood on the market, a great many eyed me from 
 top to bottom, guessing, I suppose, that I was a padre. 
 The town exactly resembled Funchal, &c. (Vide 
 Memoir, p. 137.) While I waited for the boat, which was 
 a long time, I sat in a little shop on the quay, kept by a 
 negro. Here a great number of negroes, men and 
 women, came about me, and examined every part of my 
 dress, as if they had been uncivilized savages. They 
 had not been used to such condescension I believe, for 
 they stood round quite delighted, all endeavouring to 
 assist me in speaking the words, the radical parts of 
 most of which I knew from the latin. One woman 
 talked to me with great earnestness, and asked repeatedly, 
 * Are the English baptized ? ' O yes, I told her, and 
 thought ' I am one of those supposed heretics who has a 
 precious gospel intrusted to him which he would preach 
 to you if he could.^ A boy exchanged a rosary 
 with a cross, for one which I had found on the wall 
 without one. 
 
 13. Early this morning there was a great storm. (See 
 Memoir, p. 139.) Much of the morning passed in reading 
 and prayer. Read the Portuguese grammar. Found 
 some comfort in prayer over Isaiah, in the middle of the 
 day. Afterwards visited one of the seamen, who was 
 
 2 A 
 
354 JOURNAL. [1805 
 
 sick in his hammock. Endeavoured to fix my thoughts 
 on a subject ; but my mind has been much disturbed 
 with the outward frame ; and the heat, moreover, very 
 oppressive. 
 
 14. " As for me I will call upon God, and the Lord 
 shall save me. Evening and morning, and at noon, 
 will I pray and cry aloud, and he shall hear my voice.'* 
 Psalm Iv. 16, 17. This, I set down as my resolve in 
 the morning, but the bustle of the day has prevailed to 
 prevent my practising it. In the morning, however, my 
 soul enjoyed nearness to God, and some seriousness of 
 spirit. Went ashore with Major D. 
 
 15. Employed all day in writing letters. Called in 
 the afternoon on board the William Pitt, East India- 
 man, to see Cecil. 
 
 16. *' Blessed is the man whom thou choosest, and 
 causest to approach unto thee, that he may dwell in thy 
 courts ; we shall be satisfied with the goodness of thy 
 house, even of thy holy temple." Psalm Ixv. 4. To 
 approach unto God, and to dwell in his courts, is the 
 only satisfaction my soul desireth. 
 
 17. (Sunday.) *' There shall be a handful of corn 
 in the earth, upon the top of the mountains, the fruit 
 thereof shall shake like Lebanon, and they of the city 
 shall flourish like grass of the earth." Psalm Ixxii. 16. 
 This has been once fulfilled. From the Gospel truths 
 scattered by a few fishermen, saints have grown up 
 stately as the cedars, and numerous as the blades of 
 grass. We are now but a handful upon the earth ; when 
 shall it become a rich harvest of souls ! Preached on 
 John xvi. 8. not without fear but with rather more ten- 
 derness than formerly. In the afternoon had the usual 
 service below, and answered the objections of a Roman 
 Catholic Serjeant. As the time for sending letters was 
 prolonged, I wrote some more ; in the evening had a 
 happy season of prayer, though it was but short. To 
 have God for my God seemed to be the real possession 
 of heaven on earth. 
 
 18. Went ashore at 6 o'clock. (See Mem. 140.) 
 
1805] LETTER. 355 
 
 St. Salvador, S.A.Nov. 19, 1805. 
 
 My dear Sir, 
 
 Our stay at Madeira was so short, that I was obliged 
 to defer writing to you, till our arrival at the next port ; 
 and now we have had such sudden notice of the sailing 
 of this packet for Lisbon, with the unfortunate Captain 
 of the Britannia, that I shall not be able to enlarge so 
 much as I could wish. We were present at part of the 
 disastrous scene, the particulars of which you will have 
 read before the receipt of this letter. The ships had 
 gone to pieces before we arrived, but we could perceive 
 many of the people w^alking about on the sands. A 
 peculiar providence preserved us from being lost on the 
 same rocks, for we past close to them twice in the 
 night without perceiving them ; the first time, however, 
 we had no suspicion of being within many miles of 
 them ; and the second time, two days after, on joining 
 the main fleet, from which we had been detached, it 
 appeared we must have past within a mile of them, and 
 yet could not see them, they were so low. From the 
 time of this event we were a single ship till we reached 
 St. Salvador. We crossed the Tropic of Cancer on the 
 10th of October, and the Line on the 30th. My health 
 has continued remarkably good, occasionally indeed I 
 suffer from relaxation and w^eakness ; but upon the 
 whole I bear the heat as well as any of the passengers. I 
 have walked here for three hours together in the noon- 
 tide heat of a vertical sun without any sensible incon- 
 venience. My mind through the rich mercy of God 
 enjoys much of that peace which Christ promises to his 
 people — " Peace I leave with you, my^ peace I give 
 unto you." I seem to have lost a good deal of that sa- 
 liency of spirits, which the company of my dearest 
 friends, and the want of offensive objects around me 
 used to inspire. Here I am, and have enough to break 
 the heart of any one who has a concern for the honour of 
 God. I perceive it therefore, to be my business in life, 
 
 2 A 2 
 
356 LETTER. [1805 
 
 not to look for enjoyment in this world, which lieth in 
 wickedness, but to fulfil as an hireling my day, strug- 
 gling against Satan, and exposed as a sheep among 
 wolves. God, however, has so far had compassion on his 
 unworthy servants and the perishing souls in the ship, as 
 to gather some of his children from amongst us. There 
 is a small party of us, who meet every day on the orlop 
 deck to sing and hear an exposition of Scripture. The 
 rest are very hardened and contemptuous ; but I trust I 
 shall have grace to instruct in meekness those who op- 
 pose themselves. In the mean time, my dear friend, you 
 will continue to put up a prayer occasionally for me to the 
 God of our salvation, who is the confidence of the ends 
 of the earth, and of them who are afar off upon the sea. 
 It is so long before we are likely to arrive in India, in 
 consequence of the Indiamen being engaged in this expe- 
 dition, that I seldom think of it. We have been already 
 seventeen or eighteen weeks, and perhaps may be as 
 much longer. However, my time passes very delight- 
 fully in learning the language, writing letters, and be- 
 coming more acquainted with Scripture, Major Lam- 
 dren gives me but little encouragement to hope for the 
 conversion of the natives of India. Being strangers 
 themselves to the power of God over their own hearts, 
 they see only the arm of man, and therefore despair. 
 My general reply to them is that which consoles me ; 
 *' With men it is impossible, but with God all things 
 are possible." I have not been much ashore, because 
 there are no inns ; but the Lord has in kindness fur- 
 nished me with a very benevolent friend in Corin, who 
 has given me a general invitation to his home. I have 
 dined with him once, and walked round his plantation. 
 The novelty of a tropical garden afforded me no small 
 amusement, and much occasion of admiring the grand 
 magnificence of the creating power of God. There is 
 an army of 8,000 men with us, so that almost all the 
 men T see here are military officers. This is a new 
 scene to me. I hear nothing but the sound of the 
 trumpet and the alarm of war. Oh ! that the day were 
 
1805] JOURNAL. 357 
 
 come ** when nation shall no more lift up sword against 
 nation." 
 
 I hope my dear Major, you maintain your ground 
 among the enemies of the Gospel who are found in 
 Helston. Stand fast, beloved brother, clad in the pano- 
 ply of God, in truth, in righteousness, in peace, in 
 faith, with the word of God. I delight to offer a word 
 of encouragement to the feeble. I know that your God 
 in whom you trust will be your strong rock and defence. 
 Eliza, I may venture to hope grows in grace ; as she 
 reads this, let her be assured of my affectionate remem- 
 brances. Compliments to . Those who are united 
 
 to me in the sacred bond of the Gospel must not be 
 forgotten. In th utmost haste, I conclude, dear sir, 
 
 H. M. 
 
 20. *' Holiness becometh thine house for ever,'* 
 Psalm xciii. 5. — Holiness the everlasting ornament of 
 heaven, and the inhabitants of it. Yes, it is an orna- 
 ment which my soul shall seek. Found the presence of 
 God this morning, and my soul was delighted with his 
 comforts ; I was blest with a clear view of my duty in re- 
 spect of the ministry. Captain P. of the W. Pitt, Bo- 
 tany-Bay-man, came on board to beg me to baptize a 
 child of Mr. Bale, who was going out in some office 
 under government to Botany Bay. I was quite rejoiced 
 at the Lord's thus opening a way to the convicts without 
 my asking it as a favour of the captain. I went aboard 
 with twenty Testaments, a few copies of the Bible, 
 Saint's Rest, Call to the Unconverted, Flavel's Saint 
 Indeed, and a variety of tracts. The baptism was per- 
 formed in the captain's cabin before dinner, Mrs. S. and 
 the mother stood godmothers, and Captain B. godfather. 
 I was grieved to see with what levity they seemed to 
 treat this sacrament. After dinner I walked out in 
 hopes of talking with some of the convicts, but staid so 
 long with the chief mate conversing about them, that it 
 grew dark. Captain B. granted my request to preach 
 
358 JOURNAL. [1805 
 
 to them, and said he should be very happy to have me, 
 whenever I should like to come. So now, may the Lord 
 give me a heart and utterance. 
 
 23. (See Mem. p. 147, 148.) They revived the 
 dispute, but they were now more prepared, and began 
 to act on the offensive. Lamented my danger with 
 much apparent tenderness ; the chief speaker said, ' he 
 was my friend,' but alas, his friendship could not bring 
 me to heaven with him. Well, said I, I am willing to 
 become a Roman Catholic, if you can convince me that 
 it is the true religion, but first, let me ask, you will 
 expect me to w^orship images, and the Virgin ? — Yes. 
 What in spite of the second commandment ? — Yes. In 
 defence of the worship of the Virgin, they said, ' She is 
 the mother of God.' They quoted also the text at the 
 end of John, " Woman, behold thy son." *' Son, behold 
 thy mother : " Saying that these words were addressed 
 to us in the person of John. ' But what ground is here 
 for worshipping her ? ' said I, * we don't worship our 
 parents' ; but they ceased immediately to act on the 
 defensive. I asked one ' whether he believed his pre- 
 sent life as a friar was according to the will of God ? ' he 
 said, ' he did not know.' Here I began to breathe 
 again, for, thought I, this man is certainly not upright 
 in the sight of God, but his tenderness, affection, and 
 humility, so exactly resembling the true demeanour of 
 saints, made me tremble to think what little evidence 
 I had in my own temper, of being more right in my 
 principles than he. We parted with mutual lamenta- 
 tions over one another. (Vide Mem. p. 148.) 
 
 24. (Sunday.) Preached on Ephes. ii. 18, and had 
 great assistance. Oh how delightful to preach the 
 gospel where the Spirit of God vouchsafes his blessing. 
 Baptised a child which was brought from the Comet, 
 East-Indiaman. Read and sung below in the afternoon, 
 my heart still continuing very happy and joyful. Having 
 heard that the cadets are to be employed in a body in 
 
 the expedition, I spoke on the subject to M and 
 
 B , the former of whom seemed to be thinking 
 
1805] JOURNAL. 359 
 
 with some seriousness. In the evening had a sea- 
 son of prayer for the church in England, and for 
 myself in the concerns of the mission, which was 
 solemnizing. 
 
 25. Psalm cvi. 3 — 5. *' Rememher me, O Lord, 
 with the favour that thou bearest unto thy people : O 
 visit me with thy salvation ; that I may see the good of 
 thy chosen, that I may rejoice in the gladness of thy 
 nation, that I may glory with thine inheritance." I want 
 the testimonies of the love of God ; I feel often serious, 
 often w^eaned from the world, but seldom joyful : O 
 why should I not rejoice in the gladness of thy nation ? 
 Though I have lost the company of those whom I love 
 best upon earth, the chief source of this pleasure is the 
 same to me as to them. But I have a stupid indolence 
 and unbelief. Went on board the W. Pitt, East 
 Indiaman, and conversed a considerable time with young 
 Cecil. In prayer about the middle of the day over 
 Isaiah xlix. found great benefit to my soul. Still there 
 is great unbelief respecting the promises of the increase 
 of the church. In the evening had some assistance in 
 struggling against a carnal mind, and spiritual things 
 were brought home to my soul with power. Oh eter- 
 nity ! Oh that I had constantly the remembrance of it. 
 Feeling great energy in prayer on a certain subject, I 
 endeavoured to write upon it, but w^armth of thought 
 soon dechned. Another cadet conversed with me very, 
 seriously this evening, on the subject of the approaching 
 expedition. In an affray ashore the night before, one 
 officer was killed, one dangerously wounded, three misr 
 sing, all belonging to the Glory. Oh, in what a state 
 are they hurried to judgment. 
 
 26. Isaiah xlviii. 17- "I am the Lord thy God, 
 that teacheth thee to profit, who leadeth thee by the way 
 that thou shouldest go." In all my unprofitableness 
 and waywardness, this is an encouraging support to my 
 soul, that God will still teach his creatures how to live 
 aright. Though I have neglected his teachings, though 
 I have consequently been doing little or nothing, still it 
 
360 JOURNAL. [1805 
 
 is the covenant attribute of God to afford his gracious 
 instructions for the time to come. Walked more 
 strictly and carefully to-day, and had more of the divine 
 presence. After breakfast I was about Hindoostanee. 
 Finished Orme's Hindoostan, and began Scott's His- 
 tory of Deccan. Heard that one of the soldiers was 
 dying, and went down instantly, but the poor man was 
 insensible. He had been ill a long time, and I knew 
 nothing of it. 
 
 27. The same subject remained on my mind this 
 morning in prayer ; employed about sermon and Hin- 
 doostanee. In the midst of preparations for war, we 
 met this afternoon and sang. I expounded 1 Cor. xv. 
 which for want of time, I had omitted this morning, 
 when I read the funeral service over the man. He was 
 not committed to the deep over the ship's side, but car- 
 ried out to some distance in the bay. The Lascars in 
 the boat would not touch the body. Had free access to 
 God in prayer in the evening. Dear friends in England 
 and the church in general, were as last night, the sub- 
 ject of my intercession ; afterwards wrote sermon. 
 
 28. " Pray for the peace of Jerusalem, they shall 
 prosper that love thee.'* Psalm cxxii. I seldom read 
 this psalm without a pensive pleasure, arising from 
 the recollection of the day when I took leave of 
 Cambridge ; they that love the church of God will 
 prosper in their souls, and they that are prosperous 
 themselves, wdll be sure to pray that the church may 
 prosper ; so these imply each other. This morning the 
 fleet sailed from St. Salvador. I have been with my 
 friend Signor Antonio, only * as a wayfaring man, that 
 tarrieth but for a night.' Yet hath the Lord put it into 
 his heart to send me on after a godly sort. Once 
 more we prosecute our voyage ; a few more passages, 
 and I shall find myself in the scene of my ministry ; a 
 few more changes and journeys, and I am in eternity. 
 Read Hindoostanee in the afternoon ; expounded Luke 
 xvi. In the evening sat as much as I could with M'K. 
 who is ill of a fever, but from sea-sickness I was obliged 
 
1805] JOURNAL. 361 
 
 to be frequently on deck. Kneeling down to prayer at 
 night, brought on vertigo and sickness. 
 
 29. Ps. cxxx. 6. ' 'My soul waiteth for the Lord, 
 more than they that watch for the morning." Being 
 awoke by the wind and rain long before day-light, I 
 waited for the morning with some anxiety, but though 
 my soul findeth more pleasure in the light of God's 
 countenance, than the eye does in returning day, I 
 fear I do not wait for him in the way of faith and 
 prayer. I was sea-sick all the morning, and very weak 
 from its continuance yesterday and to-day. I thought 
 of England as I sat on the poop, but not with that 
 degree of inward misery, as when I left Cork. The 
 benefit of perishing millions was the object, and that 
 animated me to suffer quietly. Was much gi'ieved at 
 some things I heard and observed, in three of the most 
 established saints in the ship ; this among other things 
 was a source of seriousness in my prayer in the after- 
 noon. The Lord teach his ignorant creature to edify 
 his church, as I am over thine in the Lord ; let me have 
 grace and wisdom to admonish them, not as a lord over 
 God's heritage, but as an ensample to the flock. 
 
 30. The gale continues ; but through the loving- 
 kindness of the Lord, I have been tolerably free from 
 that distressing sensation of sea-sickness. How shall I 
 become more active in improving my hours of health to 
 his service ? Did nothing this morning, but the casual 
 exercise of reading and prayer, which filled it all up 
 w^ithout any extraordinary exercise of devotion. I wish 
 I had a deeper conviction of the sinfulness of sloth. Oh, 
 when shall I make a duty of activity in holy things. 
 The hatches being fastened down, there was no light to 
 read below, and besides, the heat was so great, that with 
 my weak state of stomach, I could not have borne it. 
 Finding my mind in a solemn state, and disposed to be 
 thankful, that God gave me to find enjoyment in this 
 dark tempestuous scene, when others were at a loss for 
 amusement, I retired to prayer : how affecting is the 
 consideration, that God is present to me in a certain 
 
362 JOURNAL. [1805 
 
 degree in such a place as this, where the angry ocean 
 lashed into surges frowns all around with a mist)^ dark- 
 ness. Employed till bed-time in preparation for to- 
 morrow. 
 
 December. 1 . (Sunday.) The weather being squally, 
 and a great deal of work to do in the ship, there was no 
 service. I passed my time very comfortably in reading 
 
 the service and prayer till came in, when I read 
 
 some of Merrick's Psalms, and found my soul at times 
 full of joy ; after dinner went below, and found none 
 but Corporal B. who could sing, all the rest of my choir 
 being employed upon deck. He was so heavy and un- 
 willing, and so little inclined seemingly to get my people 
 together, that I was quite grieved : however, ' I was 
 •resolved to make an effort towards having something 
 like a service, and so I stayed the usual time, singing a 
 few hymns with him, and expounding Luke xvii. to a 
 few people there. But it was a very melancholy season ; 
 every thing seemed languid and lifeless. I went and sat 
 on the poop to take the air, musing in some dejection 
 at the bad appearance of things amongst us, and was 
 ready to take refuge in the reflection, that I was not to 
 blame, that I was willing to lay myself out for them, 
 and never to cease instructing them for a single day, 
 both in public and private. Had several conversations 
 
 with Captain S S and S saved from the 
 
 Britannia, but all to no purpose ; after advancing a 
 little way on religion, they change the subject of con- 
 versation, or turn away. In the evening had a long and 
 pleasant remembrance of friends, and particular scenes 
 in England, especially at Cambridge, and took a view of 
 what had been my thoughts with respect to my mission, 
 and what was my present duty and prospect. I found 
 pleasure in the thought of dying entirely to the world, 
 and departing far from friends, and every thing that can 
 fasten me to it, in order to dwell alone with God, and 
 learn by his immediate instruction, what is to be done 
 for the kingdom of Christ, and to receive from him a 
 heart and a mind to work. 
 
1805] JOURNAL. 363 
 
 2. *' Cause me to hear thy loving-kindness in the 
 morning, for in thee do I trust. Cause me to know the 
 way wherein I should walk, for I lift up my heart unto 
 Thee. Teach me to do Thy will, for Thou art my God. 
 Thy Spirit is good, lead me into the land of upright- 
 ness.'^ Psalm cxliii. 8, 10. Lord, I am hlind and help- 
 less, stupid and ignorant. Cause me to hear ; cause me 
 to know ; teach me to do ; lead me. When I kneel to pray, 
 I scarcely know what to ask, so ignorant am I of my 
 wants ; when I am most enlightened by God, I see my 
 wants more clearly. Had some thoughts of devoting 
 this day to prayer, but sea sickness prevented it. In the 
 afternoon expounded Luke xviii. to the soldiers. Cor- 
 poral B. came to my cabin in the evening for some 
 music books, and I embraced the opportunity of con- 
 versing with him about the men. But I could get 
 nothing instructive from him. My own mind was 
 deeply impressed with the awfulness of the occasion, 
 and w^anted to see something of the same spirit in him, 
 especially as he himself was one of the persons con- 
 cerned in the approaching danger. But there was 
 nothing of the sort ; I was grieved with his intolerable 
 lukewarmness and littleness of thought. Perhaps it was 
 the peculiar state of my own mind at the time, that 
 could not bear indifference in another, on what I had 
 my thoughts so engrossed, but I felt quite vexed at his 
 speaking on any other business, but that of the impend- 
 ing scene of battle. Another of my people had occasion 
 to come to me at night, and I had reason to lament the 
 same want of serious reflection in him. Oh wretched 
 creatures that we are, when shall we please Thee, O 
 God ? O teach us to gird up the loins of our minds, 
 to be sober and holy. Make them as w^ell as me to have 
 a tender regard to the souls of their perishing fellow- 
 creatures. 
 
 3. Designed to set apart this day to fasting and 
 prayer, in behalf of the ship. I found my soul mount- 
 ing heavenward at the prospect of what was to be my 
 employment to-day. From nine to three, my soul found 
 
364 JOURNAL. [1805 
 
 the especial presence of God, in four successive seasons 
 of pra3^er, but in none of these was my heart enlarged 
 in intercession for the people of the ship. I tried again 
 and again, but found no words to continue speaking for 
 them, so that my object for them has not been attained, 
 and I fear that I cannot again venture to fast with 
 prayer for some time, as the position of the body and 
 exercise of mind so weakened me, and produced such a 
 headache, that I was fit for nothing at night, nor even 
 the next morning. From three till four interceded with 
 serious and delightful feelings for the church, from 
 Isaiah 1. Iviii. After taking some tea in the evening, I 
 prayed again with a heart overflowing with joy ; I could 
 call God my own God in Christ ; I could say in the 
 spirit of adoption, Abba, Father': nothing appeared desi- 
 rable in the universe, but God, and so I felt exceedingly 
 happy in possessing all that was good. In prayer that 
 God would glorify himself, I cared not by what instru- 
 ment ; I truly felt willing to be despised, and forgotten, 
 so God's purposes were accomplished respecting the set- 
 ting up of his kingdom in the world. 
 
 4. ** His delight is in the law of the Lord, and in 
 his law doth he meditate day and night." Ps. i. It is 
 the thoughtful and heavenly-minded Christian, that 
 will be the thriving one. I suppose sometimes that an 
 uninterrupted waiting upon God in fixed meditation, 
 would raise the soul to the highest pitch of devotion, 
 but, alas ! the weakness of the flesh interposes a barrier. 
 If the body and mind be exercised too long, the soul 
 sinks again ; almost all this day has been lost through 
 fatigue of body and mind. The sensible feeling of love, 
 or joy, or the exercise of thought, put my body to pain. 
 I was chiefly on deck, low and languid, but enjoying a 
 peaceful serenity of mind. Going below in the after- 
 noon, I found that Captain O. had given strict orders 
 that no one should go down, and even set a sentry to 
 prevent it. I went and talked to him about it ; he said 
 that any might go down, if they went for the purpose of 
 hearing me, but my object is effectually prevented, for I 
 
1805] JOURNAL. 365 
 
 hoped to call the attention of those who were careless. 
 The Lord now direct me how to act, and strengthen me. 
 M'K. stayed with me the whole of the evening, and we 
 were conversing about England. Dearest Lydia ! never 
 wilt thou cease to be dear to me ; still the glory of God, 
 and the salvation of immortal souls, is an object for 
 which I can part with thee. Let us live then for God, 
 separate from one another, since such is his holy will. 
 Hereafter we shall meet in a happier region, and if we 
 shall have lived and died, denying ourselves for God, 
 triumphant and glorious will our meeting be. 
 
 5. *' In thy fear will I worship toward thy holy 
 temple." Ps. Ivii. Christ is that holy temple, toward 
 which I look in prayer : within him my prayers, poor, 
 and distracted as they are, shall come up with acceptance 
 on his altar. How is it that my soul does not draw 
 back unto perdition ? There is an invisible intercession 
 made on my behalf, and a secret influence operating 
 upon me. Employed as usual in reading the Hindoo 
 Storyteller, and writing sermon. Found an opportunity 
 
 of speaking to Captain about his evil temper and 
 
 peevishness ; it was no small cross, for he is so terrible, 
 scarcely any one can approach him, and I was obliged 
 to use all my address ; he bore it very well, and con- 
 fessed it wrong. With Captain S. a man of mild man- 
 ners, though utterly destitute of religion, I converse 
 every day : he seemed anxious that I should have my 
 own way with respect to instructing the soldiers, and 
 said I should have one or two Serjeants to bring the 
 men up from below, as soon as I came up myself. My 
 mind has been running on Lydia, and the happy scenes 
 in England, very much ; particularly on that day when I 
 walked with her on the sea-shore, and with a wistful eye 
 looked over the blue waves that were to bear me from 
 her. While walking the deck, I longed to be left alone, 
 that my thoughts might run at random. Tender feelings 
 on distant scenes, do not leave me indisposed for commu- 
 nion with God ; that which is present to the outward 
 senses is the greatest plague to me. Went among the 
 
366 JOURNAL. [1805 
 
 soldiers in the afternoon, distributing oranges to those 
 who are scorbutic. My heart was for some hours expand- 
 ing with joy and love ; but I have reason to think that 
 the state of the body has great influence on the frames 
 and feelings of the mind. Let the rock of my consola- 
 tions be not a variable feeling, but Jesus Christ and his 
 righteousness. 
 
 6. Our Captain going aboard the Commodore, by a 
 signal, brought back the information, that the Cape 
 was our object, and that a stout resistance was expected ; 
 and that it would be five weeks yet before we should 
 arrive thither. The minds of all were set in motion by 
 this account, as few, I believe, expected hard fighting. 
 My thoughts, always, alas ! too vividly alive to what 
 does not belong to me, needed to be calmed and spiri- 
 tualized by prayer, and the Lord helped me to meditation 
 on things in connexion with eternity. Visited this 
 morning, the ship's steward, and found him dangerously 
 ill of a fever ; it was a melancholy sight. He lay con- 
 vulsed, with the gunner standing by him, holding a 
 burning lamp, which would scarcely burn, the air was 
 so bad, and the place withal so hot, being directly under 
 the copper, that it was altogether almost intolerable. 
 As it was not convenient for him to attend to me then, 
 I promised to come in the afternoon, which I did, after 
 a very solemn season in prayer for a fit frame to min- 
 ister to a dying man. In answer to a few of my ques- 
 tions, he said, he had a good hope, gave up all his mind 
 to religion, and put his trust in God, &c. I bid him 
 remember the sins of his life, his swearing, sabbath- 
 breaking, &c. and particularly with this, that he had 
 always been in the habit of pleasing himself, and not 
 God. This seemed to strike him, he groaned and said, 
 * it is very true.' I went on showing the aggravations 
 of his wickedness, and at last asked him again, ' Do you 
 believe, that if God should refuse to hear you now, 
 in the same manner as you have refused to hear him, 
 he would be just and right ? ' To this he now answered 
 in the language of a person convinced. I put this ques- 
 
*hr 
 
 1805J JOURNAL. 36/ 
 
 tion to him in every variety of forms, and he always 
 returned a satisfactory answer. I began to hope his 
 heart was melting under the influence of the spirit of 
 God, and after asking him the other important question, 
 * Do you desire to become a new creature, if it should 
 please God to spare you?' he replied, as a person 
 unconscious of innate depravity and helplessness, but 
 with great earnestness. I ventured to proceed to the 
 gospel. But here I had a difficulty as before, to show 
 him, that God would not save him for his repentance or 
 faith, any more than for his w^orks ; in short, for nothing 
 in himself. I then read the fifty-first Psalm to him, and 
 John vi. and went to prayer. In the evening on deck 
 by moonlight, I had a conversation for nearly an hour, 
 directly in point, on the subject of religion, with Mrs. 
 S. I was surprised at her increase of religious know- 
 ledge of late. The most important part was this, that 
 when I asked her, ' Can you say that you would do all 
 the will of God, without any reserve, as far as you know 
 it? ' She said, ' that I would.' ' Why, then it is very 
 plain, (said I,) that you ought to see day by day, what 
 the will of God is, if you wish to practise it.' On this 
 she promised that she would read the Bible every day 
 for the future. 
 
 7. Expounded a chapter in St. Mark, and sung ; 
 in the afternoon a man from the upper deck continued 
 looking down upon us with such a malicious sneer, that 
 I had much ado to keep my temper. Presently after, 
 another came, roaring out for my chief singer to come 
 away, as he was wanted, and continued to disturb us 
 with his noise. I went out at the conclusion of the ser- 
 vice to the forecastle, to see if the serjeant had sent for 
 him, and there I spoke to the men with some severity. 
 In visiting the ship's steward, whom I found recovering, 
 I met with a sailor, and a very sensible one, waiting 
 upon him, with whom I had a long and close conversa- 
 tion. As he said he would come to the same place as 
 soon as he was off watch and hear me read, if I could 
 make it convenient to come, I went at eight, and ex- 
 
368 JOURNAL. [1805 
 
 pQunded John v. One of the midshipmen came and 
 was very attentive ; I did not go to prayer, as in the 
 place to which he had shifted, the hammocks were 
 putting up all around, and many persons around us 
 about their different business. The steward seemed to 
 be strong in his resolutions, but had little of a right 
 spirit. 
 
 8. (Sunday.) Preached on Mark viii. 34, 35. and 
 there was much attention. Going below, I found every 
 thing in greater bustle than ever. Sent for the singers, 
 but none came. Nothing now seems to disconcert me ; 
 so in the midst of noise and oaths, I began to read Pil- 
 grim's Progress ; but presently a serjeant came by, and 
 with many a blasphemy counted several of the watch, as he 
 said, among my hearers, and flew off to get the sentry. 
 I told whoever was on the watch to go up ; I then went 
 on, but immediately a squall coming on, the hatches 
 were shut down, and I was obliged to retire after con- 
 versing with a few. Two or three soldiers felt for me 
 more than I did for myself, and seemed to wish 
 to atone by their attention for the ill behaviour of 
 the rest. At night M'K. staid so long that it was too 
 late to go and read to the steward, as I intended, an 
 omission which wounded my conscience considerably ; 
 but, oh my soul ! be not dispirited in thy work, but be 
 roused to redoubled diligence. 
 
 9. Psalm xvii. 7. *' Shew thy marvellous loving- 
 kindness, O thou that savest by thy right hand." What 
 but marvellous loving-kindness could save such a 
 wretched creature ! By irregularity in morning duties, 
 and putting them out of their proper place, I had 
 nearly lost all comfortable sense of divine things. 
 Little or nothing done in my studies. Cried to God 
 again in behalf of myself and the ship, with some 
 feeling sense of things. I found it most suitable 
 to humble myself as one of them, rather than intercede 
 for them as one more righteous. In prayer before din- 
 ner, my soul was wonderfully restored by those words 
 in Psalm Ixvi. 10. " Rejoice ye with Jerusalem, and be 
 
1805] JOURNAL. 369 
 
 glad with her, all ye that love her, rejoice for joy with 
 her, all ye that mourn for her, that ye may suck and be 
 satisfied with the breasts of her consolations, that ye 
 may milk out and be delighted with the abundance of 
 her glory." Here is a promise that our desires shall be 
 satisfied. Those who wish the progress of the church, 
 shall hereafter see it and enjoy it. They shall surely be 
 delighted with the abundance of her glory. I thought 
 on the perfection of beauty and holiness of God's peo- 
 ple in that day, and felt strong and fervent desires to 
 be entirely holy unto God now, and to shew myself an 
 instance before all men of the image of Christ. Below 
 deck afterwards I felt something of the same spirit, 
 saying to myself. Now let my soul be ardent, let me 
 speak as one in earnest ; let me remember what I think 
 when I am in prayer for them. Expounded Matt. xi. 
 When I spoke to them of the guilt of Capernaum, that 
 it repented not at the preaching of the gospel, and 
 applied to this ship how they had it preached every 
 Sabbath and every day, there seemed to be much solemn 
 attention. Staid below for some time after to speak 
 with an old man and soldier, who had been seized with 
 cholera morbus this morning ; but seemed to gain little 
 ground. The same things however seemed to succeed with 
 his mind as the steward's ; ' Have you not lived every 
 day as you liked best yourself, without considering what 
 was the will of God ? — If then God were to treat you 
 as you have done him, i. e. not hear you, but cast you 
 into hell, would He not be doing right?' To all which 
 he professed his assent, with some apparent conviction. 
 Going afterwards to the forecastle, B. the same soldier 
 who had behaved with such impudence to me before, 
 took care to make one of his wicked speeches to 
 the rest who sat near him, just as I w^as passing ; 
 on which I turned and entered into conversation with 
 him and the rest, determined to see whether the devil 
 should remain master of the field or no. B. broached 
 the most blasphemous and abominable sentiments ; said 
 he was determined he would never pray, for if he did, 
 
 2 B 
 
370 JOURNAL. [1805 
 
 he should not be able to fight ; that he was a soldier, 
 and robbery was his business ; that he would rob his 
 father for grog ; that he had often robbed, and would 
 continue to do so. I shuddered at this wretched 
 bravado, but persisted in shewing the folly and mad- 
 ness of all these thoughts, till the ringleader, B. rose 
 up and went his w^ay, and then the rest listened 
 to me in silence. At night, in conversation with 
 
 , upon deck, who, with all his wickedness would 
 
 talk to me about the mission, and on every subject 
 which forms the theme of a religionist ; I told him of 
 the horrible hypocrisy of his heart, and the danger of 
 his state. He confessed that he did swear terribly, and 
 had fallen much away ; but there was not the slightest 
 mark of contrition, or the least expression of better re- 
 solutions. He said that on board a man-of-war, he had 
 made a good profession for four years, and had even 
 suffered persecution for the cross ; but in this ship there 
 was such general indifference that he was led away. 
 He told me many idle aspersions cast by the officers 
 
 upon me; that Captain spoke of the men who 
 
 attended me, as a parcel of vagabonds. My want of 
 success was also frequently cited, as an argument 
 against me. Thus alas ! that which causes my pain, is 
 made use of to increase it. 
 
 10. Psalm xxvii. 32. *' All the ends of the earth 
 shall remember, and be turned unto the Lord." Sooner 
 or later, they shall remember what is preached to them ; 
 and though missionaries may not live to see the fruits 
 of their labours, yet the memory of their words shall 
 remain, and in due time shall be the means of turning 
 them unto the Lord. Employed in writing. Was much 
 delighted with seeing all my people present this 
 afternoon, and the pleasure with which they seemed to 
 come — though alas ! even out of these five, there are 
 only three of whom I can be in any wise confident. I 
 explained Isaiah xl. and staid to converse with two sick 
 men. The steward is recovering fast ; ' I am deter- 
 mined,' said he, * to be a good liver, as you shall see ; ' 
 
1805] JOURNAL. 371 
 
 but I have little hopes of him. At night Corporal B. 
 came to my cabin, and M'K. soon after coming in, I 
 proposed to them a regular meeting of the religious 
 soldiers for prayer in my cabin ; but they both objected 
 to it ; not, they said, because they were afraid of the 
 cross, but they thought the trial would be too great for 
 the others, especially as the disapprobation of Captains 
 S. and O. would encourage the ridicule and opposition 
 of the officers, and others. Such words from them, 
 sufficiently proved, that it was yet too early to call any 
 of them to such a cross ; but I could not help believing 
 that it was fear of man which suggested this advice of 
 their's to me. However, let me judge charitably, and 
 think of them in the spirit of meekness, considering 
 myself, lest I also be tempted. 
 
 11. " Who is the king of glory ? " Psalm xxiv. 8. 
 My ignorant heart, which knows little of Jesus 
 Christ, has need to ask this question. Oh may the 
 blessed Spirit take of the things of Christ, and shew 
 them unto me. May I be more self-abased, self-emptied, 
 and by a more spiritual communion, abide in Christ, 
 and have his love abiding in me. May I walk in him, 
 and grow up into Him in all things, and be changed 
 into his image from glory to glory ! Oh when shall I 
 learn to know Christ and heavenly things. Employed 
 in writing, but with scarcely any progress. There were 
 rather more singers and hearers below than for some 
 time. I felt myself so little disposed for spiritual exer- 
 cises, that I was thinking of not going down, as sup- 
 posing the men w^ere as unwilling as myself. However, 
 recollecting that they might be well disposed to hear, at 
 times when I was very little inclined to speak, I went 
 down, and had a profitable season. Expounded Matt. v. 
 to them. In the evening prayed with some fervour for 
 a ministerial spirit. 
 
 12. '' That he would grant you, according to the 
 riches of his glory, to be strengthened with might by his 
 Spirit in the inner man, that Christ may dwell in your 
 hearts by faith," Eph. iii. Spiritual stability and ad- 
 
 2 B 2 
 
372 JOURNAL. [1805 
 
 vancement in strength are evidenced by Christ's divell- 
 ing in the heart, when the affections and thoughts keep 
 Christ in view, and embrace him habitually. Oh this 
 soul-enrapturing inhabitation, after which I pant some- 
 times, though but feebly. When shall I comprehend 
 and enjoy it ? Then shall I be weaned indeed from the 
 world, and no more seek heavenly-mindedness from 
 thinking of the shortness of time only, but by choice 
 and preference, cleaving to Christ, and living to Him 
 alone, though my life on earth were extended to ages. 
 Wrote sermon, but with little success ; my soul can 
 never rejoice while my time is spent so un profitably. A 
 considerable number attended in the afternoon, perhaps 
 about twenty. Expounded Matt. vi. In the evening 
 and at night, had strong desires to spend and be 
 spent in glorifying the blessed God, and wrote with some 
 spirit till M. came in, and thus prevented me. It is 
 God's providence which allots me the duty of conversa- 
 tion as well as of writing. 
 
 13. ** On thee do I wait all the day," Psalm xxv. 5. 
 *' Mine eyes are ever toward the Lord," 15. From 
 having found so much comfort yesterday by continually 
 invoking God's presence, I hoped to-day also to have 
 my eyes ever towards the Lord ; I had not however so 
 much as yesterday. Employed as usual in writing. In 
 the afternoon just as I had got down, Captain O. or- 
 dered every man up; I felt rather hurt at this ; but on 
 speaking to him, he said he did not know I was there, 
 for he would on no account have given such an order, 
 as he never meant to interfere in religious matters; such 
 is the goodness of God in hushing my rising fears. M. 
 again deprived me of the best part of the evening. 
 
 14. " Oh Lord thou hast brought up my soul from 
 the grave, thou hast kept me alive that I should not go 
 down to the pit," Psalm xxx. 3. Daily do I deserve 
 the pit of destruction — daily doth God save me from it. 
 After experiencing such long-continued patience, let me 
 not provoke the Lord to cast me off for ever. Passed 
 the morning in writing, and was much assisted ; my 
 
1805] JOURNAL. 373 
 
 mind was consequently peaceful. In the afternoon had 
 no service below, as I was taken up in going to and fro 
 to the sick, of whom there is now a great number. K., 
 one of my singers, who with his profession of the gos- 
 pel is yet addicted to swearing, had been dangerously ill 
 till morning. I told him of his sin ; it seems that he is 
 leaving it off, but he did not speak with that self-con- 
 demnation I could have wished. The condition of the 
 sick was miserable : I could not stand it till I got some 
 aromatic vinegar. Continued writing in the evening, 
 and then began to read Rev. ii. and iii. with great im- 
 pression and earnestness, but Mr K. entered and inter- 
 rupted my reflections ; I read Milner to him. 
 
 15. (Sunday.) *' Oh love the Lord! all ye his 
 saints," Psalm xxxi. 23. How cold is my love, how 
 weak and languid my hope ! Yet in speaking to Mrs. O. 
 on the duty of joy and praise, I found my own heart a 
 little warmed. There being something to do in the 
 ship, we had no service before dinner. M'K. passed a 
 great deal of the morning with me ; I read Leighton and 
 the Bible to him: found great difficulty in keeping my 
 mind from dejection ; visited the sick below deck ; 
 walked with Mrs. S. for a long time; told her very 
 plainly what I thought needed amendment in her out- 
 ward conduct, which has far too much of giddiness and 
 levity. In the afternoon preached on deck, on Rom. iii. 
 21 — 23. The soldiers were more attentive than I ex- 
 pected from the nature of the subject, but M'K. told 
 me that he and the cuddy passengers, who had just 
 risen from dinner, could scarcely keep their eyes open ; 
 that B. had been making his remarks again ; and some of 
 the cadets I saw laughing ; how different is it to 
 preach to such a congregation, from what it is to be 
 amongst the congregations in England. Here there is 
 scarcely one who encourages me by an attentive hearing, 
 and none at all, who strengthens my hand by a kind 
 word on the subject. To-day scarcely any of my peo- 
 ple were present ; being confined by sickness, but when 
 they are, there is not one who says a word about any 
 
374 JOURNAL. [1805 
 
 thing that suited, or any thing they did not understand. 
 The whole passes off their minds, without leaving the 
 smallest impression. However, this dispensation of the 
 Lord is humiliating, and so will do some good. I feel 
 no despondency, but am contented to go on to the end of 
 life, testifying, according to the best of my abilities, as 
 long as people will stay to hear me. Corporal C. one 
 of my singers who was ill, seemed to be brought to see 
 the necessity of a more stedfast adherence to God, so 
 that I hope here is another soul revived. My servant at 
 night spoke also in a way that surprised me ; I began to 
 talk to him as usual, much against my will, never dream- 
 ing of an intelligent answer, but unexpectedly heard 
 sounds that made me turn round to look at him wath 
 double interest and pleasure. M'K. came in the even- 
 ing, I read several hymns, and Rev. iii. and after some 
 preparation of mind went to prayer with him ; and 
 found more self- recollection, more of the over-awing 
 presence of God, more suitableness and simplicity of ex- 
 pression than for a long time past. My soul continued 
 in a very serious and happy frame. 
 
 16. Suffered considerably from pain, and from tiie 
 cold damp weather; went below in the afternoon, but 
 could have no service ; finished Milner ; read Harmer's 
 Observations ; employed in the evening with thinking on 
 a subject ; the thought of death was at times refreshing 
 and joyful to me, — to die ! to be with Jesus ! struckme at 
 some moments with unutterable sweetness, but I cannot 
 enjoy much habitual comfort without profiting more in 
 my studies. 
 
 17. '* Rivers of tears run down mine eyes, because 
 they keep not thy law." O Lord, be pleased to have 
 compassion, and break this hard heart ! Oh ! shall I think 
 of the eternal damnation of sinners, and not be able to 
 melt — I feel that I cannot. I saw something of my- 
 self this morning in prayer, when I strove to feel some 
 grief or sorrow for the greatest number of my flock. 
 Let it please God to display His power, by placing a 
 new heart of flesh within me. Wrote freely till M. 
 
1805] JOURNAL. 375 
 
 came in. I had some refreshing views of death, and the 
 happiness of being free from sickness and sin, still grow- 
 ing weaker from the continuance of my disorder. Could 
 not go below because the hatches were down. Read 
 Scripture instead, with much comfort. How awful does 
 death appear when sickness gives a nearer view of it ! 
 Yet I have no wish to live for any thing agreeable in 
 this world. Felt much pain at what I observed in 
 M'K. at night. The Lord save him from his besetting 
 sins. 
 
 18. " Hear, for I will speak of excellent things." 
 '* I love them that love me." " Hearken unto me, Oh ye 
 children, for blessed are they that keep my ways. 
 Blessed is the man that heareth me, watching daily at 
 my gates, waiting at the posts of my door — for whoso 
 findeth me, findeth life — I shall obtain favour of the 
 Lord," Prov. viii. Blessed be the Lord my God, who 
 now in the time of my youth, hath inclined my heart to 
 take the paths of righteousness and peace. It was long 
 a doubtful case with me ; but now, through God's love 
 I have undertaken the hardships of a Christian life, and 
 am climbing the steep ascent. " How excellent is the 
 loving kindness of God, therefore the children of men 
 put their trust under the shadow of thy wings. They 
 shall be abundantly satisfied with the fatness of thy 
 house, and thou shalt make them drink of the river of 
 thy pleasures ; for with thee is the fountain of life ; in thy 
 light shall we see light," Psalm xxxvi. 7 — 9. Writing 
 still with slow progress. Had some conversation with 
 , who was wrecked in the Britannia, and endea- 
 voured to call his attention to the proper thoughts on 
 the subject. He said that immediately after the Brit- 
 annia had got clear of the Streatham, the officers on 
 the forecastle called out they were close to breakers ; the 
 ship was too much disabled to get away, and in a few 
 minutes struck with tremendous force upon a perpen- 
 dicular rock, by which every man in the ship was thrown 
 down, while the passengers stood in the stern in great 
 consternation, every moment expecting death. He 
 
376 JOURNAL. [1805 
 
 Mr. M. went forward, as he thought for the last time, 
 supposing the ship would part in the middle. But the 
 ship, after beating some time upon the rock, got off, 
 they know not how, and floated into deep water about 
 two miles from the rocks, where the crew were saved 
 by the Comet. Expounded Matt. vii. below to a good 
 number. My heart was filled with great delight, while 
 singing — " O'er the gloomy hills of darkness." In 
 the evening a private of the name of Lock, the man 
 who began the singing and then left off, came to me in 
 great distress of mind as he said about his state. He 
 had formerly made a profession, but had gone back ; I 
 talked to him as closely as possible, and prayed with 
 him, during which he shed many tears ; still I could not 
 be satisfactorily persuaded of his uprightness. He 
 wished to come every night to my cabin to join with me 
 in prayer, but I told him he might come to-morrow 
 night. He said he had often wished I would pray 
 at the time of our meeting below ; I scarcely ever 
 thought this was at all possible, from the variety of in- 
 terruptions to which we are exposed. Yet I began to 
 consider whether it was not my duty to attempt it, and 
 leave events with God. M'K. to whom I mentioned 
 it, did not approve it ; but I saw no good reason in 
 what he said. F. with whom I had a little conversa- 
 tion, still continues an example to the rest in liveliness 
 and love. He said some were growing cold ; but I 
 warned him against forming hasty judgments. 
 
 19. The sudden change from warm weather to a 
 cold damp atmosphere, which took place a few days 
 ago, is very trying to my constitution. My sickness and 
 dysentery continue and weaken me considerably. Aboard 
 ship many things which I desire are not to be had, but it 
 was a matter of great thankfulness that I had so many 
 more comforts provided for me, than for the poor men in 
 the same state. Oh, God knoweth how utterly undeserv- 
 ing I am of such a difference being made for me. Wrote 
 sermon this morning, but the weather not allowing me 
 to walk, I remained unfit for every thing, and felt very 
 
1805] JOURNAL. 377 
 
 unhappy. It was one of those seasons when this world 
 appeared a tedious and tiresome place : I felt myself de- 
 parting from God, but considering that now was the 
 time for exercising faith, I betook myself to prayer, 
 which had the effect of relieving my mind from a sense 
 of guilt ; but otherwise did not much comfort me. Ex- 
 pounded Matt, xviii. I take much delight in this sort 
 of exercise, as it is very profitable to myself. The con- 
 nection of things in the Gospel suggests ideas I never 
 before thought of. One of the quarter masters, an old 
 man, seemingly declining fast, I talked with, and endea- 
 voured to convince him of his sins. In the evening 
 prayed. Lock did not come ; neither was he at our af- 
 ternoon meeting. His wife was there ; she was suffered 
 to come on board to see him at Portsmouth, and con- 
 trived to escape notice till the fleet sailed. They lived 
 both on his single ration, by which means she remained 
 unnoticed as a supernumerary, till we got near Madeira. 
 The captain in great anger said she should go ashore 
 there ; but happily for the poor thing, he changed his 
 mind, and suffered her to go on and have full allowance. 
 M'K. staid with me two hours at night ; I read to him. 
 20. Being very ill in the night past from sickness 
 and cholic, I began to think seriously of death, as I lay 
 aw^ake upon the cot. I endeavoured to consider in 
 order, what God had done for the salvation of sinners, 
 what evidence I had of being in Christ, and the comfort 
 I was permitted to ask for from the blessed Spirit, in 
 case of that evidence appearing. There is not one thing 
 I have ever done, that would give me a substantial rea- 
 son for believing myself to be in Christ. It is chiefly 
 my affections and inclinations which convince me I am 
 born of God, for they are now toward God. I am very 
 often without any pleasure, but I seldom think of seek- 
 ing it in the world. My taste, I have reason to believe, 
 is for holy pleasures, and for holy employments. In 
 prayer after getting up, I had so much delight and joy 
 in the consideration of heaven, and my assured title to 
 it, that I felt far more desirous of dying than living. 
 
378 JOURNAL. [1805 
 
 Much of this morning passed upon deck, as it was a dry- 
 day ; I was much restored hy walking. In the after- 
 noon, only three out of six of my people were present, 
 and. they seemed very dull, especially Beasant. There 
 were however several others. Had some conversation 
 again with the old quarter-master. He seemed alarmed 
 and humbled. Expounded to them Matthew ix. and 
 felt determined to have prayer, if there had been oppor- 
 tunity ; but the noise of the children of the married 
 people, and the sailors, who were all about us, talking 
 as if nothing were going forward, seemed to prove that 
 this was not the favourable time for beginning. Felt 
 much dejected the remainder of the evening, at the state 
 of religion in the ship, especially in the want of primi- 
 tive simplicity and love, in those who profess it. Called 
 to see the Captain, though I had been told he did not 
 like to speak, he was so ill, as thinking I might never- 
 theless read ; but he was engaged with the Surgeon. It 
 is a very trying time to the whole ship. At night with 
 M'K. read Leigh ton and Philippians, and prayed. 
 
 21. Writing all the morning with sufficient freedom, 
 and walked with my mind intently fixed on heavenly 
 subjects, but more in my thoughts than in my heart. 
 Had a pretty good number below ; expounded Matt. x. 
 Made slow^ progress in writing at night, and felt exceed- 
 ingly dull at a part, where in my first considerations of 
 the subject, I had found a remarkable glow of ani- 
 mation. 
 
 22. (Sunday.) '* Thou preparest a table before me 
 in the presence of mine enemies." As the ship was lying 
 to for those astern, they made use of the opportunity 
 of having divine service at the time, though it was two 
 hours earlier than usual. It was a very full congrega- 
 tion; for some Sundays past, several of the soldiers 
 were suffered to stay away. I preached on 2 Cor. vi. 
 17, 18. There seemed to be a considerable stir excited 
 against the sermon, as there were knots of them talking 
 about it afterwards, and they eyed me, some with spite, 
 some with contempt. I felt a little unhappy at offending 
 
1805] JOURNAL. 379 
 
 men so ; but I still thought, if the whole universe were to 
 rise up, and object to me, and despise, I could face their 
 frowns, and retain my confidence in the truth. In the 
 afternoon below, there was a great number hearing, per- 
 haps near fifty. In expounding Matt. xii. the verse 
 about the Queen of Sheba coming from the uttermost 
 parts to hear the wisdom of Solomon, gave me a most 
 apt occasion to observe, how shameful it was that they 
 would not come so far as from the forecastle to the 
 main hatchway to hear about Jesus Christ. My pro- 
 posal to them to pray, seemed to be accepted with the 
 greatest readiness, as they all knelt down. Through 
 God's mercy we were not disturbed. Coming up, I 
 
 met Major D , who asked me if I had been praying 
 
 with them ; and on my asking him how he came to sup- 
 pose it, he said, he thought I always gave them a prayer. 
 This greatly encouraged me to continue. He then told 
 me of my preaching, that it was not calculated to win 
 people to religion, for I set the duties of religion in so terri- 
 fic a light, that people were revolted. I felt the force of 
 his remark, and determined for the future to make more 
 use of the love of God in the gospel, and my heart 
 melted with joy at the thought of the precious tidings, 
 and the angelic work of proclaiming them. The Major 
 asked me also what was meant by the Law. I told him 
 the Ten Commandments ; said he, ' I always supposed 
 it meant the gospel, I could never conceive how I should 
 be saved without the law.' I was astonished, and could 
 not help saying to him, ' if you, with your desire of 
 information, have been so mistaken, what can I expect 
 the poor soldiers to understand?' He had read Rom. iii. 
 five times over, he said, but could not understand it at all ; 
 upon which I proposed that we should meet and consider 
 the matter ; so after I had had time to pray for divine 
 assistance, with the assurance that if he was sincere, God 
 would certainly teach him, we met in my cabin, and I 
 began the epistle. He stopped me every verse he did not 
 understand ; at the 14th, 20th, and 25th, of chap i. : in 
 chap ii. he brought an objection against salvation by 
 
380 JOURNAL. [1805 
 
 grace, from verse 6. Verse 12 and 15 required a good 
 deal of explanation, and the language of 25 — 27. 
 In chap. iii. from 3 to 8, I found I did not understand 
 myself, but here he helped me out by several pertinent 
 remarks. In 19. he did not perceive what it was the 
 apostle's design to prove, but misunderstood it exceed- 
 ingly. In explaining 21 and 22, a light began to break 
 in upon his mind ; on verse 3 1 , he asked what was the 
 use of God's giving the law at all ; I referred him back 
 to 20, and he then clearly understood it, and repeated 
 the idea in a very satisfactory manner. Chap. iv. and 
 V. suggested much subject of conversation again. I 
 pointed out the two objects of faith here spoken of, 
 ** believing on him that justifieth the ungodly:" — A 
 conviction that we were ungodly, or that God was wil- 
 ling to justify such. We stopped at the end of the vth, 
 of which chapter he said, after some consideration, ' it 
 is very consolatory ;' and then again, ' there is some- 
 thing irresistibly fascinating in this chapter.' I was be- 
 yond measure delighted at his increasing understanding, 
 and yet I cannot rejoice without trembling. He said he 
 should be glad to come again on the same business. 
 Soon after he went away, M'K. came, and we rejoiced 
 together ; he said that during my sermon to-day, he had 
 felt the utmost opposition and contempt, and found his 
 evil nature ready to burst out in open abuse of me, but 
 he had just been pleading with God, to deliver him from 
 this temptation of Satan, and he now told me it was 
 right, and hoped I should go on to preach boldly, how- 
 ever offensive the truth might be. I have now nothing 
 to complain of, but a hard and unthankful heart, which 
 is slow to praise God, and apt to be afraid of those 
 opportunities of more extended service, which I had 
 even prayed for. 
 
 24. " Thou hast ascended on high, thou hast led 
 captivity captive, thou hast received gifts for men, yea, 
 for the rebellious also, that the Lord God might dwell 
 amongst them." Psalm Ixviii. 18. For the rebellious! 
 and not ministerial gifts only I hope, but things good 
 
1805] JOURNAL. 381 
 
 for the soul of the rebellious. O consolatory gospel, 
 precious rays of grace, scattered through the Bible. 
 Were it not for these free gifts, how could my heart ever 
 be open, that the Lord might dwell in it ! Wrote on 
 Luke xi. 10, 11. but was obliged to relinquish the 
 attempt of preparing it by to-morrow. Scarcely any 
 below in the afternoon, yet we sung, and I expounded 
 Matt. xiv. to three Serjeants and two Corporals. My 
 heart enjoyed prayer much to-day, and in my intercourse 
 with others, and amidst outward scenes, felt happy in 
 communion with God. M'K. spent much of the evening 
 with me with little benefit. 
 
 25. (Christmas-day.) F. consented to have prayers, 
 no sermon. We prayed for the Captain, who had 
 called in the purser and mate, and given his dying 
 charge. I went in before dinner, though not sent for, 
 but he did not speak, or seem to take any notice of me. 
 Coming in a second time, he desired me in a strong 
 voice to withdraw, as he did not like to be seen in the 
 situation in which he was. I felt much hurt, and went 
 and poured out my soul in prayer, and found relief and 
 happy consolation in God. Captain M's friend, the 
 Captain of the Sarah Christiana, came on board, and the 
 staff surgeon from the hospital ship, by a signal made 
 for that purpose. The Sarah Christiana coming down 
 in an opposite direction to fetch him, ran so near us, 
 that there was the utmost noise and confusion upon 
 deck. We could almost touch her from our larboard 
 quarter. The mate said there was imminent danger, as 
 one or other of the two ships would have inevitably 
 gone to the bottom. 
 
 26. About seven this morning, I was sent for by 
 the surgeon to the captain. I saw that he was a dying 
 man ; his eyes rolled in his head, his speech was gone, 
 but he was in general sensible. And the doctor by 
 applying his ear close to his mouth, could sometimes 
 make out a few of his words. I began to read the most 
 encouraging passages I could find, beginning with 
 Isaiah Iv. In John vi. he repeated in a low tone after 
 
Q 
 
 82 JOURNAL. [1805 
 
 me, *' Lord, evermore send us this bread." I continued 
 reading after breakfast, though he did not seem to wish 
 it, only when the doctor asked him, he said, Aye, aye. 
 After reading I prayed, but I do not know that he joined, 
 indeed he was so far gone, that it was impossible to 
 collect any thing from his look or imperfect words. On 
 my being interrupted by the doctor, he said, ' Mi7id 
 him,' meaning that he was to attend to me. At last, 
 after being much convulsed, he said, ' I am going, I 
 shall not be long here, Lord help me, Lord help me ;' 
 and his eyes began to close, and his breath returned 
 successively at longer intervals, and at length he expired. 
 The purser, the chief-mate, the surgeon, his servant, 
 and myself, were the persons present. He died about 
 eleven in the morning. The colours were hoisted half 
 mast high, and we bore down to give notice of it to the 
 Commodore, and the Commodore of the Indiamen; 
 The Sarah Christiana, when she saw our signal, fired 
 minute guns, so that the whole scene was very affecting. 
 The place being engaged in the afternoon, I passed the 
 time in conversing with the sick. One of the seamen, 
 a Scotchman, seemed to hear gladly. In prayer in the 
 evening, I had such near and terrific views of God's 
 judgments upon sinners in hell, that my flesh trembled 
 for fear of them. The passages of God's holy word 
 that proved the certainty of hell torments, were brought 
 to me in such a way as I never before felt ; I flew trem- 
 bling to Jesus Christ, as if the flame were taking hold 
 of me. Oh, Christ will indeed save me, or else I 
 perish. M'K. came in, and we conversed together of 
 the melancholy events of the day. He had been reading 
 to-day in the steerage, the tract upon Eternity to the 
 cadets and officers. They hated the sound ; would not 
 listen to it, and said he wanted to make them melan- 
 choly mad. M said, ' Martyn will never persuade 
 
 me to be otherwise, with all his logic' To which Cap- 
 tain S. with a serious look, said ' I hope he will, M.' 
 A person from the Streatham told M'K. that we had 
 the reputation in the fleet of being a very praying ship. 
 
1805] JOURNAL. 38 
 
 Q 
 
 I wish it were more true. Blessed be God for raising 
 up such a person as M'K. Now that they have broken 
 with him, and given him the downright name of metho- 
 dist, he is much more bold to speak the word without 
 fear. 
 
 27. *' Arise, O God, and plead thine own cause, 
 remember how the foolish man reproacheth thee daily. 
 Forget not the voice of thy enemies : the tumult of those 
 that rise up against thee increaseth continually." Psalm 
 Ixxiv. 22, 23. In pleading for the prosperity of the 
 church, and her deliverance from enemies, when all 
 arguments are exhausted, we may urge this at last, that 
 God would arise and plead his own cause. Let me re- 
 member this, when I pray in unbelief, as if God were 
 indifferent ; let me reflect that it is God's own cause, 
 and the honour of his name concerned in it. Several 
 circumstances seemed to suggest the propriety of setting 
 apart this day for fasting and prayer, which I did ; but 
 for want of sufficient watchfulness and labour, I failed 
 to derive that benefit from it which might have been ex- 
 pected. One thing, however, I am bound to bless the 
 Lord for, that he helped me to come down with shame 
 into the dust, and to weep and mourn before him, for 
 the sins of my former life, and for my lukewarmness 
 and unfaithfulness in my ministry. I thought it would 
 be a proper portion for me to combat with affliction all 
 my days ; to walk solitarily with tears through the 
 wilderness of life, full of thankful love that God had 
 permitted such a creature to live ; but my heart was not 
 much enlarged in other petitions ; sometimes I was sunk 
 in great dejection, from finding myself utterly averse to 
 pray at all, owing to the fatigue of mind and body. 
 From the same cause in the afternoon, I was very 
 languid amongst the people, except at intervals, when 
 my soul burned with delight and love. In the evening, 
 M'K. and myself read and prayed together, and my 
 heart was generally with God, looking forward with 
 peace and joy to the happiness of another world. 
 
 28. Psalm Ixxxi. 13 — 16. " O that my people had 
 
384 JOURNAL. [1805 
 
 hearkened unto me, and Israel had walked in my ways ! 
 I should soon have subdued their enemies, and turned 
 my hand against their adversaries. The haters of the 
 Lord should have submitted themselves unto him : but 
 their time should have endured for ever. He should 
 have fed them also with the finest of the wheat : and 
 with honey out of the rock should I have satisfied thee." 
 Similar to this in Isaiah — '* O that thou hadst hearkened 
 to my commandments, then had thy peace been as a 
 river, and thy righteousness as the waves of the sea." 
 With what earnestness and compassion does God ex- 
 press his regret that his people have not enjoyed more 
 of spiritual comforts. Shall we then ascribe our un- 
 happiness to God ? Oh no. He is far more anxious to 
 load us W'ith blessings, than to deprive us of them. 
 Employed all day in writing, and in general able to find 
 the repose of my soul, in being alone with God, forget- 
 ful of outward concerns. Sung in the afternoon, and 
 expounded Matt. xix. After tea, a conversation arising 
 in the cuddy about Pope's Universal Prayer, they de- 
 sired me to read it, and state my objections, which I 
 did, and had an opportunity of answering familiarly all 
 the objections they made to the gospel. But I was again 
 astonished at their great ignorance, and inability to 
 comprehend any thing of the divine plan, in a subject 
 that so deeply concerns them. What can I expect to 
 teach poor heathens without the Almighty power of 
 God interfering ! 
 
 29. (Sunday.) *' My beloved spake and said unto 
 me. Rise up," &c. Cant. ii. 10, 11. Ah ! why cannot I 
 rise and go forth and meet my Lord ? Every hindrance 
 is removed ; the wrath of God, the guilt of sin, and 
 severity of affliction : there is nothing now in the world 
 that has any strong hold of my aff^ections. Separated 
 from my friends and country for ever in this life, I have 
 nothing to distract me from hearing the voice of my 
 beloved, and coming away from this world and walking 
 with him in love, amidst the flowers that perfume the 
 air of Paradise, and the harmony of the happy spirits 
 
1805] JOURNAL. 385 
 
 who are singing his praise. But alas ! my heart is cold 
 and slothful. Preached on 2 Peter iii. 11. taking notice 
 at the end of these remarkable circumstances, that made 
 the text particularly applicable to us. It was the last 
 Sabbath of a year, which had been memorable to us 
 from our having left our country and passed through 
 many dangers. Secondly, Within a few days they were 
 to meet an enemy on the field of battle. Thirdly, The 
 death of the Captain. I was enabled to be self-collected, 
 and in some degree tender. There was a great impres- 
 sion ; many were in tears. Visited and conversed with 
 
 Mr. M twice to-day, and marked some passages 
 
 for him to read. His heart seems tender. There was 
 a considerable number on the orlop in the afternoon. 
 Expounded Matt. xix. and prayed. In the evening 
 Major Davison and M'Kenzie came to my cabin, and 
 staid nearly three hours. I read Romans vi. and vii. and 
 explained those difficult chapters as well as I could, so 
 that the Major, I hope, received a greater insight into 
 them; afterwards I prayed with them. But my own 
 soul after these ministrations seemed to have received 
 harm rather than good. It was an awful reflection that 
 Judas was a preacher, perhaps a successful one. Oh let 
 my soul tremble lest after preaching to others, I myself 
 should be a cast-away. 
 
 30. An unprofitable day, in which I was ostensibly 
 employed in thinking about sermon, but could do little ; 
 yet in prayer and reading scripture was comfortable. In 
 the afternoon I visited the sick ; M' K. spent most of 
 the evening with me. I read to him, and through the 
 mercy of God enjoyed a happy frame of mind, with 
 heavenly glories continually in view. 
 
 31. Thus hath the Lord brought me to the conclu- 
 sion of another year. (See Memoir.) In the evening, 
 both by myself, and with M'K. had solemn seasons of 
 prayer. We read Psalm xc. and conversed about the 
 shortness of time, &c. and other subjects suggested by 
 the conclusion of the year. I felt at night a very affect- 
 ing sense of my want of love. I may have the tongue.. 
 
 2 c 
 
386 JOURNAL. [1806 
 
 of men and angels, or all knowledge, or faith, and give 
 my body to be burned ; yet without love, it profiteth 
 nothing. As often as I stirred up myself to cry to God 
 for his grace my heart was warmed, but it continued 
 lively but for a short time. Oh how wretched is a soul 
 without grace. If I could not be made holy, I would 
 not wish to exist ; I cannot conceive any pleasure in the 
 universe, without having the soul restored to order and 
 conformity to the blessed God. 
 
 January 1 , 1 806. Still on my voyage ; arrived nearly 
 as far as the Cape of Good Hope. Though seven months 
 have elapsed since my embarkation, and three or four 
 must pass ere I can reach my final destination, I feel little 
 fatigue or impatience ; rather am I troubled that each day 
 flies quick, so that I have scarcely time to get anything 
 done. The last year is the most memorable of any since 
 I began a religious life : since in it I have been thrust 
 out to be a labourer in God's vineyard among the hea- 
 then ; many dangers have I inured from seas and 
 change of climate, and have experienced much distur- 
 bance of mind, first from preparation for my voyage, 
 and since that by the variety of scenes into which I 
 have been introduced, and very severe was my mental 
 suff^ering on leaving Europe, but through the never- 
 failing mercy of the Lord, I am healthy in body, and 
 quiet in my mind. From the perusal of my journal, I 
 am surprised, and grieved at the unhumbled spirit which 
 pervades it. I have at present to mourn over my dead- 
 ness of spirit, so destitute of love. However, with all 
 my execrable dulness in divine things, I have this testi- 
 mony for good, that I am perfectly weary of a life of 
 sin, that my unprofitableness is a grievous burden to 
 me, and far, very far from regretting I ever came on this 
 delightful work, were I to choose for myself, I could 
 scarcely find a situation more agreeable to my taste. 
 Onward therefore let me go, and persevere steadily in 
 this blessed undertaking through the grace of God, dying 
 daily to the opinions of men, and aiming with a more 
 single eye to the glory of the everlasting God. This 
 
1806] ~ JOURNAL. 387 
 
 morning passed as usual in reading Scripture, and 
 prayer, and writing, but M'K. much interrupted and 
 disturbed me. However, by prayer, I strove to exercise 
 faith, though my mind was exceedingly distressed at my 
 repeated want of improvement. In the afternoon read 
 Luke xiv. and spoke upon the barren fig-tree, to a con- 
 siderable number. How long ago should I have been 
 cut down for my barrenness, had not the great Inter- 
 cessor in mere compassion pleaded for me. In prayer 
 in the evening I received much comfort ; I was enabled 
 to bring all my sorrows, and lie before God as a most 
 wretched creature, whose barrenness testifies against 
 him. 
 
 2. Read Luke XV. in the afternoon below; visited 
 
 M ; the signal being made for bending cables, set 
 
 my thoughts that way, and made me wish with some 
 impatience for land. Read to M'K. 
 
 3. Was assisted a little, and wrote with more free- 
 dom. Read in the afternoon John vi. ; as I thought 
 from our nearness to land, it might be the last occasion 
 of our meeting, I concluded with prayer. Some men 
 
 were standing by us laughing, and Captain O came 
 
 in the midst of it, but waited till the prayer was over. 
 After visiting some sick, I found on coming upon deck, 
 that land was discovered ; the high lands at the Cape 
 were distinctly visible eighty miles off. In the evening 
 
 M'K. and Corporal B came to my cabin ; I read 
 
 several of the most suitable portions of Scripture I could 
 find, and was afterwards enabled to commend them to 
 God with solemnity and affection. M'K. continued 
 with me afterwards, but grieved me much by what I 
 thought inconsistent levity, on so solemn an occasion. 
 My heart was filled with joy and peace, when left alone ; 
 again at prayer at night I drew near to the Lord with 
 ease and power. " Bless the Lord O my soul, and all 
 that is within me bless his holy name." He restoreth 
 my soul. I will hearken what the Lord God shall say 
 concerning me, for he shall speak peace to his people ; 
 but let them not turn again to folly. 
 
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388 JOURNAL. [1806 
 
 4. Continued to approach the land ; about sunset 
 the fleet came to an anchor between Robber's Island 
 and the land on that side, farthest from Cape Town, and 
 a signal was immediately given for the 59th regiment to 
 prepare to land. Our men were soon ready, and received 
 thirty-six rounds of ball cartridge ; before the three 
 boats were lowered dow^n and fitted it w^as two in the 
 morning. I staid up to see them off ; it was a melan- 
 choly scene ; the privates were keeping up their spirits 
 by affecting to joke about the approach of danger, and 
 the ladies sitting in the cold night upon the grating of 
 the after-hatchway overwhelmed with grief ; the cadets 
 with M'K. who is one of their officers allw^ent on board 
 the Duchess of Gordon, the general rendezvous of the 
 company's troops. I could get to speak to none of my 
 
 people, but Corporals B and B . I said to 
 
 Serjeant G , it is now high time to be decided in 
 
 religion, he replied with a sigh ; to Captain S. and the 
 cadets I endeavoured to speak in a general way. I 
 this day signed my name as a witness to Captain O. and 
 Major D.'s wills ; Captain O. left his with me ; I passed 
 my time at intervals in writing for to-morrow. The 
 interest I felt in the outward scene, distracted me very 
 much from the things which are not seen, and all I 
 could do in prayer was to strive against this spirit. But 
 with what horror should I reflect on the motions of sins 
 within me, which tempted me to wish for bloodshed, as 
 something gratifying by its sublimity. My spirit would 
 be overwhelmed by such a consciousness of depravity, 
 but that I can pray still deliberately against sin, and 
 often the Lord manifested his power by making the same 
 sinful soul to feel a longing desire that the blessed gos- 
 pel of peace might soothe the spirits of men, and make 
 them all live together in harmony and love. Yet the 
 principle within me may well fill me with shame and 
 sorrow. 
 
1806] LETTER. 389 
 
 Union, in Table Bay, Cape of Good Hope, 
 
 January 4, 1806, (11 at night.) 
 
 Dear Sargent, 
 
 * * * * ^ Saturday night, 
 
 the instant our anchor was down, when I began this 
 letter, a signal was given for the 59th to land. I staid 
 up till two in the morning to take my leave of them, 
 and was grieved to find with what levity and profaneness 
 they were arming themselves against the fears of death. 
 Of my own men I had taken a solemn and affecting 
 farew^ell, by commending them to the grace of God. 
 They returned however, about the middle of the next 
 day, the General not thinking it safe to land, either on 
 account of the surf, or because he had received informa- 
 tion of a large body of the enemy being in readiness 
 behind an eminence, to receive them. Nothing was done 
 the remainder of that day, (yesterday) but to-day, Mon- 
 day 6, three regiments have landed without opposition, 
 as we see very plainly from our ship, and the landing of 
 the whole army is now going on ; the 59th are to leave 
 the ship at three to-morrow morning. Poor souls ! from 
 the report we have of the force ashore, I fear many of 
 them will never return. 
 
 Two days after writing the above a battle was fought. 
 I went ashore a few hours after it, and saw the w^ounded 
 and dead lying on the field, but the particulars I have 
 not time to relate, as I am just informed that the ship 
 which carries the intelligence, is to sail to-morrow, and 
 I have not written a single letter yet to my relations. I 
 beg my kindest remembrance to Mrs. S. of whom I 
 make mention with you without ceasing in my prayers. 
 May you both live, my beloved friends, happy in one 
 another, but finding your chief happiness in God. Con- 
 fessing that you are strangers and pilgrims upon earth, 
 not having here a continuing city, and seeking one to 
 come. I beg the continuance of your prayers, especially 
 
390 JOURNAL. [1806 
 
 at those seasons when you intercede for the genei^al 
 cause of ou?^ blessed Lord. 
 
 I remain, ever your's affectionately, 
 
 H. Martyn. 
 To the Rev. John Sar^gent. 
 
 5. (Sunday.) No service; the body of our troops 
 which had gone to join the other regiments at the ren- 
 dezvous, returned this morning ; after waiting near shore 
 a considerable time, they all received orders to return to 
 their respective ships. Two reasons are assigned for 
 this, one that the surf was too high, the other that a 
 large body of the enemy were stationed behind an emi- 
 nence, ready to oppose their landing ; no further attempt 
 was made to-day, but the man-of-war cruised round the 
 bay ; I was mostly upon deck sharing the general anxiety, 
 but about the middle of the day, found it necessary to 
 withdraw for a solemn season of prayer, to bring back 
 my soul to God. The Lord mercifully assisted his sin- 
 ful creature, and the rest of the day I was enabled to 
 maintain a more proper sense of the vanity of all 
 outward things, and the infinite precious importance of 
 setting the Lord always before me ; I went below in the 
 afternoon, but found the deck strewed with the soldiers 
 all asleep ; M'K. returned from the Duchess of Gordon 
 
 to-day, and with Major D , came to my cabin in the 
 
 evening. We read Romans viii. ; the Major's objections 
 led to the old subject of the heathen, how they should 
 be left in such a state. I said little, when little was to 
 be said to the purpose, and resolved all into the sove- 
 reignty of God. This dwelt very strongly on my mind, 
 and when we prayed, I was greatly assisted to approach 
 him as a sovereign : ** Be still, and know that I am 
 God." Remained peaceful and happy the rest of the 
 evening. 
 
 6. Several regiments effected a landing this morning on 
 the eastern shore, as we could see plainly from our ship. 
 The Indiamen were ordered to get under weigh, and the 
 men-of-war drew up close to the shore, to protect the 
 
1806] JOURNAL. 391 
 
 landing. No enemy appeared to oppose them ; but one 
 of the gun-brigs threw several shells ashore, to dislodge 
 some of them who stood with a gun planted near the 
 beach. The two first officers who landed were two 
 Lieut-Colonels, who were wounded immediately by two 
 spent balls from sharp-shooters. One boat was stove by 
 the surge's dashing her against the rocks, and out of 
 sixty-three in her, only eleven were saved. On a neigh- 
 bouring eminence we saw a party of the enemy as we 
 supposed, from their being dressed in blue. The troops 
 continued in sight, on the side of a hill covered with 
 sand interspersed with bushes, as if not designing to 
 march on till the whole should be landed. There were 
 a few huts near the beach, which were left with every 
 thing in them. One of our midshipmen brought away 
 some leaves of Dutch books ; they were an English 
 Grammar in Dutch, and a Catechism ; the stools and 
 tables the soldiers broke up for firing. Further up the 
 hill there was a house exactly resembling our farm 
 houses in England, with out-houses, barns, &c. It 
 seemed to be abandoned. A gun-brig belonging to our 
 squadron coming in from Rio Janeiro, began instantly 
 to fire at a battery, which returned it, so that from this, 
 and the throwing of shells, and the number of signals 
 made by the men-of-war, there was important cannona- 
 ding. I was upon deck the whole day, and again suff- 
 ered at first from the consciousness of idleness, but by 
 prayer and watchfulness was enabled to be more with 
 God afterwards and read. Still I drank too much into 
 the spirit of those around me, instead of having those 
 solemn impressions which the scene presented. The 
 soldiers and cadets (who had returned from the Duke of 
 Gordon,) were all eager to get ashore, so that there was 
 more levity and trifling about death than ever. As the 
 59th expected to be called on every hour, I found on my 
 going below, there was little hope of getting my people 
 together ; as most were asleep, I was obliged to return 
 
 rather disappointed. who is so sick that he 
 
 cannot land, was very keenly scoffed at by the brutal 
 
392 JOURNAL. [1806 
 
 B , who accused him of hypocrisy in religion, and 
 
 of feigning illness. Though I was not quite satisfied 
 
 with , and wished to persuade him to try at least 
 
 to land, I rebuked B pretty sharply. At intervals 
 
 wrote a letter to Sargent. 
 
 7. The 59th landed early this morning; then the 
 cadets with M'K. at their head, who commanded a 
 company of East India troops. Afterwards twelve of 
 our seamen, who form a part of a Marine battaHon, 
 composed of seamen from the different ships, armed 
 with pikes to the number of 1200. Poor B. and the 
 others gave me a last affectionate look after they were 
 in the boats. After they were all gone I returned to 
 pray and found at first delightful access to God, and 
 freedom in prayer for the poor soldiers ; but afterwards 
 grew stupid. The idleness in which I had been these 
 two or three days left me indisposed for exertion, and 
 it was with the utmost difficulty that I could get my 
 heart into any thing of a right state. Had somewhat of 
 a reviving season in prayer this evening, and was made 
 to see especially my shameful deficiencies in love and 
 joy. As often as I stir up this slothful heart to these 
 divine exercises, God blesses the endeavour. O my 
 soul rejoice in Christ Jesus ! Love God more, and thy 
 brother more. Began a letter to Mr. Simeon at night; 
 Found from Mr. S. who had been ashore to offer his 
 services to the General, that the enemy were entrenched 
 within a mile of them, that there were few or no French 
 troops, and that many English families had been to 
 visit the army. Four privates were wounded at the time 
 of the first landing, besides the two field officers. 
 Dutchmen also were wounded, taken prisoners and 
 humanely sent on board the hospital ship. Mr. S's. 
 boat was upset by the surf, and he thrown ashore. 
 Hearing loud screams at night, I ran out and found a 
 Lascar had fallen over board, a rope was thrown to him 
 just in time to save his life. The commodore with two 
 gun-brigs has been cannonading a battery. My cabin- 
 door and window shake at every gun. 
 
1806] JOURNAL. 393 
 
 8. Ten o'clock. When I got up, the army had left 
 the shore, except the company's troops who remained to 
 guard the landing place ; but soon after seven, a most 
 tremendous fire of Artillery began behind a mountain a- 
 breast of the ship ; it seemed as if the mountain itself 
 were torn by intestine convulsions. The smoke rose 
 from a lesser eminence on the right of the hill, and on 
 the top of it troops were seen rushing down the farther 
 declivity ; then came such a long drawm fire of musketry, 
 that I could not have conceived any thing like it. We 
 all shuddered at considering what a multitude of souls 
 must be passing into eternity. The poor ladies were in 
 a dreadful condition, every peal seemed to go through 
 their hearts ; I have just been endeavouring to do what I 
 can to keep up their spirits. The sound is now retiring, 
 and the enemy are seen retreating along the low ground 
 on the right towards the town. Soon after writing this 
 I went ashore and saw M'K. &c. and Cecil, with whom 
 I had an agreeable conversation on Divine things. The 
 cadets of our ship had erected a little shed made of 
 bushes and straw, and here at their desire I partook of 
 their cheer. Three Highlanders came to the lines just 
 as I arrived, all wounded in the hand. In consequence of 
 their report of the number of the wounded, a party of 
 East India troops with slings and barrows, attended by a 
 body of cadets with arms, under Major Lumsden, were 
 ordered to march to the field of battle. I attached my- 
 self to these, and marched six miles through the soft 
 burning sand with them. The first we came to was a 
 Highlander, who had been shot through the thigh, and 
 had walked some way from the field and lay spent un- 
 der some bushes. He was taken care of and we went 
 on, and passed the w^hole of the larger hill without see- 
 ing any thing. The ground then opened into a most 
 extensive plain which extended from the sea to the blue 
 mountains at a great distance on the east. On the right 
 was the little hill, to w^hich we were attracted by seeing 
 some English soldiers ; we found that they were some 
 wounded men of the 24th. They had all been taken care 
 
394 JOURNAL. - [1806 
 
 of by the surgeons of the Staff. Three were rnor tally 
 wounded. One who was shot through the lungs was 
 spitting blood and yet very sensible. The surgeon de- 
 sired me to spread a great coat over him as they left 
 him, as I did this I talked to him a little of the blessed 
 gospel, and begged him to cry for mercy through Jesus 
 Christ. The poor man feebly turned his head in some 
 surprize, but took no further notice, I was sorry to be 
 obliged to leave him and go on after the troops, from 
 whom I was not allowed to be absent out of a regard to 
 my safety. On the top of the little hill lay Captain F. 
 of the Grenadiers of the same regiment, dead, shot by a 
 ball entering his neck and passing into his head. I 
 shuddered with horror at the sight ; his face and bosom 
 were covered with thick blood, and his limbs rigid and 
 contracted as if he had died in great agony. Near him 
 w^ere several others dead, picked off by the rifle men of 
 the enemy. We then descended into the plain where 
 the two armies had been drawn up. A Marine of the 
 Belliqueux gave me a full account of the position of the 
 armies and particulars of the battle. We soon met with 
 some of the 59th, one a corporal, who often joins us in 
 singing and who gave the pleasing intelligence, that the 
 regiment had escaped unhurt, except Captain McPher- 
 son. In the rear of the enemy's army there were some 
 farm-houses, which we had converted into a receptacle 
 for the sick, and in which there were already two hun- 
 dred, chiefly English, with a few of the enemy. Here I 
 entered and found that six officers were wounded; but as 
 the surgeon said they should not be disturbed, I did not 
 go in, especially as they were not dangerously wounded. 
 In one room I found a Dutch captain w^ounded, with 
 whom I had a good deal of conversation in French. 
 After a few questions about the army and the Cape, I 
 could not help enquiring about Dr. Vanderkemp ; he 
 said he had seen him, but believed he was not at the 
 Cape, nor knew how I might hear of him. The specta- 
 cle at these houses was horrid. The wounded soldiers 
 lay ranged within and without covered with blood and 
 
1806] JOURNAL. 395 
 
 gore. While the India troops remained here, I walked 
 out into the field of battle with the surgeon. On the 
 right wing where they had been attacked by the High- 
 land regiment, the dead and wounded seemed to have 
 been strewed in great numbers, from the knapsacks, 
 &c. Some of them were still remaining ; with a 
 Frenchman whom I found amongst them I had some 
 conversation. All whom we approached cried out in- 
 stantly for water. One poor Hottentot I asked about 
 Dr. v., I saw by his manner that he knew him ; he lav 
 with extraordinary patience under his wound on the 
 burning sand ; I did what I could to make his position 
 comfortable, and laid near him some bread, which I found 
 on the ground. Another Hottentot lay struggling with his 
 mouth in the dust, and the blood flowing out of it, 
 cursing the Dutch in English, in the most horrid lan- 
 guage ; I told him he should rather forgive them, and 
 asked him about God, and after telling him of the 
 gospel, begged he would pray to Jesus Christ ; but he 
 did not attend. While the surgeon went back to get 
 his instrument in hopes of saving the man's life, a High- 
 land soldier came up, and asked me in a rough tone, 
 ' who are you?' I told him, an Englishman, he said, 
 * no, no, you are French,' and was going to present his 
 musquet. As I saw he was rather intoxicated, and might 
 in mere wantonness fire, I went up to him and told him 
 that if he liked he might take me prisoner to the English 
 army, but that I was certainly an English clergyman. 
 The man was pacified at last. The surgeon on his re- 
 turn found the thigh bone of the poor Hottentot broken, 
 and therefore left him to die. After this I found an op- 
 portunity of retiring and lay down among the bushes, 
 and lifted up my soul to God. I cast my eyes over the 
 plain which a few hours before had been the scene of 
 bloodshed and death, and mourned over the dreadful 
 effects of sin. How reviving to my thoughts were the 
 blue mountains on the east, where I conceived the Mis- 
 sionaries labouring to spread the Gospel of peace and 
 love. The Dutch captain told me it was to save his 
 
396 JOURNAL. [1806 
 
 honour, the Dutch governor made such a stout re- 
 sistance. Oh ! that ambitious men at-home could see 
 the miseries of war, the agonies of dying men left ne- 
 glected on the field, and the wretched relatives driven 
 from their homes. In the house of the sick, there was 
 among others a picture of a preacher, Kolver I think his 
 name was. Perhaps some children of God lived here, I 
 prayed with much enlargement for the spread of the gos- 
 pel, and found by this means my own soul much recovered 
 from the distraction occasioned by the multitude of out- 
 ward things that had engaged my attention. We 
 marched back in the evening to the English lines at the 
 place of embarkation ; the ground all the way was soft 
 sand, covered with low bushes, consisting of a great va- 
 riety of heaths flowering, and some wild myrtles and 
 geraniums ; round the farm-houses were some yellow 
 spots of fallow land, but I observed no enclosures. The 
 surf was high when we came to go on board, and the 
 swell was so great that I began to be in fear. On arriv- 
 ing near to where the Union should be, we heard from a 
 neighbouring ship that she had weighed and gone out. 
 Being very cold and hungry I began to grow dis- 
 contented, and in that state of mind I felt very unwilling 
 to die if it should please God to command the waves to 
 swallow me up ; but on farther consideration I thought 
 how much more it became me to be thankful, and by 
 meditating on *' Bless the Lord, O my soul," Psalm ciii. 
 my reflections were quite changed ; I rejoiced in spirit, 
 and looked upon the threatening waves with a placid 
 aspect, as those which might be commissioned to launch 
 me away to a happy world, where the wicked cease from 
 troubling, and the weary are at rest. After a hard pull 
 we reached the Europe, East Indiaman, and begged for 
 a night's lodging, which they gave us ; though not any 
 meat, which I was so much in want of. 
 
 9 — 12. (See Memoir.) As I heard there was ser- 
 vice at an English church in the afternoon, I was making 
 preparations for going ashore ; and by this means 
 wounded my peace of mind, by rendering myself unfit 
 
1806] JOURNAL. 397 
 
 for undivided attention to divine things on this holy 
 day ; but afterwards was much blessed in meditation on 
 Psalm xii. 24. and felt quite happy at the prospect of 
 the future glory of the church, and God's great mercy in 
 restoring me to such peacefulness of mind. It blew too 
 hard to admit of our going ashore ; and the men were so 
 employed, that there was no opportunity for divine ser- 
 vice. In the afternoon, when I went out, I found there 
 was a most dreadful fight among the soldiers ; all the 
 sailors and passengers were around, unable to separate 
 them ; my interference had the effect of restoring them 
 to order. In the evening the ladies were alarmed at the 
 intelligence, that the 59th had been ordered to march 
 with six field pieces, against the enemy, who are still in 
 the country somewhere, though the enemy have sur- 
 rendered the fort. The Major was coming to me for 
 our usual Sunday's service, when I was sent for to the 
 ladies, and thus I had no one social ordinance through 
 the day. The wind now blows a hurricane. (See 
 Memoir.) 
 
 13. I had been anxiously inquiring about Dr. Van- 
 derkemp. (See Memoir.) He called for Mr. Read, 
 and I was beyond measure delighted at the happiness of 
 seeing him too. I found they had quitted their situation 
 among the Hottentots, through the persecution of the 
 boors, and had now resided in Cape Town since July 
 last. We all admired the providence of God in sending 
 out our expedition from England, just at that very time 
 to take away their place and nation. I joined their 
 family service, though it was all in Dutch ; there were 
 several females, and one young man who had some 
 thoughts of devoting himself to the missionary service. 
 Mr. Read read a chapter and expounded it with great 
 fluency, and Dr. Vanderkemp prayed ; though the hymn 
 was in Dutch, the tune was a well-known English one, 
 and in that I joined with great joy. Dr. V. and Mr. R. 
 walked back with me to my lodgings. I was much sur- 
 prised to find Dr. V. so old a man, he had every appear- 
 ance of being about eighty years of age ; the circum- 
 
398 JOURNAL. [1806 
 
 stance of meeting with these beloved and highly 
 honoured brethren so filled me with joy and gratitude 
 for the goodness of God's providence, that I hardly 
 knew what to do. Major D. at night proposed sending 
 them £10. which I was much pleased at, both on their 
 account and his own. 
 
 14. Again lost many precious hours, by waiting for 
 one person and another before I could get on board. 
 As I was in a very carnal state, I passed as much of the 
 afternoon as I could, in prayer and reading, and was 
 brought through mercy to something of a more holy 
 heavenly-minded frame. Captain N.'s body was brought 
 ashore this evening in a boat, towed by another, in 
 which was a flag half-mast high. As we left the ship 
 a gun was fired by her, and she continued firing minute 
 guns to the number of 34, the years of his age. The 
 scene was remarkably solemn. Most of the Captains of 
 Indiamen attended the funeral, which was likely to have 
 met with an interruption by my having neglected to 
 bring the Prayer-book with me ; in the utmost confusion 
 I sent to all the English families, but none could be 
 found, and so I went to the church, where, through the 
 ignorance of the proper ceremonies, the corpse had 
 arrived before me, and began the service without a 
 Prayer-book, and read the Psalms and lessons from my 
 Bible. At the critical moment, while the body was 
 putting into the grave, Mr. Read who had been running 
 about to get a book, put one into my hand without any 
 one perceiving it, and thus the whole service went on 
 with propriety and decorum. Afterwards walked with 
 him. (See Memoir, p. 161.) 
 
 16—20. (See Memoir, pp. 162, 163.) 
 21. I was agreeably surprised to be introduced to 
 several of the Hottentot sisters, and two brethren, 
 of whom I had read ; thev had travelled from Bethels- 
 dorp, and brought the produce of their elephant hunt- 
 ing. The tusks and teeth w^ere lying on the ground ; 
 the dried flesh of the rhinoceros and spring-buck was 
 in bags, dried by exposure to the sun ; there were also 
 
1806] JOURNAL. 399 
 
 whip sticks an inch and a half thick, cut from the skin 
 of the rhinoceros ; I tasted some of the flesh, and 
 wrapped myself in the kaross. The poor dear people 
 had much expression in their countenances, and I 
 regretted that I could not converse with them. 
 Drank tea at Mr. Lasream's, but had no conversation 
 except with the missionaries, from whom I had an 
 account of their manner of administering the two sacra- 
 ments. With respect to meat they were apt to be sur- 
 feited with animal food, for want of bread. The number 
 of missionary brethren at our station should be three, 
 for if two only, then if one is ill, too much work de- 
 volves on the other. If things at any time did not seem 
 prosperous among the people, they would unite in 
 prayer, after which there would always be some new 
 manifestations of divine grace. They thought no quali- 
 fications particularly requisite for missionaries, and that 
 young men offering themselves should not be detained 
 in England, and then sent as missionaries, but sent at 
 once to be assistants to established missions for two or 
 three years, that they might see what sort of life it is ; 
 if they find themselves unfit they might retire with- 
 out disgrace ; for some had come out from Holland, and 
 said they could not continue missionaries, except they 
 could be supported as gentlem.en. Read, when tired 
 with study, used to go to the house of the Hottentots, 
 and listen to their hunting stories. They thought the 
 Bible was given to the two missionaries only, and were 
 greatly at a loss to know what they should do when the 
 missionaries were dead. After they were taught, they 
 began to say, ' Why did the boors keep away from us 
 those httle scratchi and dots.' The Caffres, Dr. V. 
 thinks, are of Arabian origin ; they circumcise their 
 children at fourteen years old, after the manner of the 
 Arabs. Hottentots' language entirely different ; great 
 resemblance to the Hebrew, having the same conjuga- 
 tions, but no difference of gender in the verbs. The 
 Hottentots were exceedingly delighted with the idea of 
 the resurrection, as they said they should see their old 
 
400 JOURNAL. 1806] 
 
 friends again, but regretted it was not to take place 
 yet awhile. 
 
 22. Employed in writing to E ; my heart was 
 
 full of the tenderest affection to her, and Lydia, and the 
 people of God, but yet in many respects cold in the ser- 
 vice of God. Went with brother Read to visit the 
 hospital, where the w^ounded English were. We spoke 
 to some of them. At the barrack we met with F. of 
 the 24th, at whose request we went to his room, and 
 met several officers. For my conformity to them I felt 
 miserably grieved afterwards, and could have hidden my 
 head in the dust. In prayer, God was pleased to give 
 me to feel sorrow for my sin, and peace and tenderness 
 of heart the rest of the evening. 
 
 23, 24. (See Memoir, p. 169.) Drank tea with 
 Read, at Mr. V.'s, and there met Smith, a Dutch mis- 
 sionary. Mrs. V. who spoke English well, gave me an 
 account of the Briewas. She said the country was 
 under the dominion of four kings, who were generally at 
 war with one another ; the people were utterly averse to 
 receive the gospel, thought they conferred an obligation 
 by listening, and made it a plea for getting tobacco from 
 him, &c. but shewed no other disposition to persecute 
 them than what must be expected from savage nations ; 
 so that I really could not see that Mr. Vanderlingee had 
 done right in leaving them. If any blame were to attach 
 to them, I should be disposed to lay it to Mrs. V. who 
 seemed a very light high-spirited woman, very unfit for 
 a missionary's wife. 
 
 25—31. (See Memoir, p. 164—167.) 
 
 31. Very dissatisfied at losing much time through 
 
 the calls ofP and C , but in my walk, spoke 
 
 wdth great vehemence against some fashionable sins, 
 from which they would be in danger in India. I do not 
 know when I have felt such indignation, as at hearing 
 of the sin which gave occasion to our discourse. Oh 
 when shall the cruel w^ickedness of this world have an 
 end. Afterwards went home, and prayed for a more 
 tender compassion towards sinners, &c. (See Memoir.) 
 
1806] JOURNAL. 401 
 
 February 1 to 5. (See Memoir, pp. 167, 168.) 
 
 5. Had a little conversation with Read on the beach, 
 not thinking it would be the last time I should see him. 
 We spoke again of the excellency of the missionary- 
 work. The last time I had stood on the shore with a 
 friend, speaking on the same subject, was with Lydia, 
 at Marazion ; and this recurring to my mind, I men- 
 tioned her to Read. He said that at his first outset he 
 did not think himself at all at liberty to think upon 
 marriage, this text being continually suggested to him, 
 *' Seek first the kingdom of God," &c. However, I 
 felt not the slightest desire of marriage under my pre- 
 sent circumstances, and often find reason to bless God 
 for keeping me single. Brother Read went on board 
 the transport which was to convey him, and the new 
 Landrost, Captain Kylee, of the 59th, to Algoa Bay ; 
 it sailed the next day, and I saw no more of him. 
 
 6. Getting ready for sea, and reading Prideaux, and 
 Persian. Wrote to Hensman. Baptized a son of Mr. 
 W. of the Europe, a civilian of the Madras establish- 
 ment. Enjoyed at night a blessed season in prayer. 
 
 7. Waiting to go on board. Called w^ith Lieutenant 
 K. on F. W. but found he was ill in the country. A 
 south-easter coming on in the afternoon, we were de- 
 tained ashore ; read Prideaux. 
 
 8. Went aboard at five in the morning, and passed 
 much of the day in arranging my cabin and prepara- 
 tions for to-morrow. A gloom seemed to hang upon all 
 the passengers, at beginning so long a trip as from 
 hence to India, after the weariness of so long a voyage. 
 But there was no wind all day, so that our patience had 
 a further trial. If the Lord vouchsafe his presence, all 
 places are alike to me, sea or land. 
 
 9. (Sunday.) There being the appearance of a south 
 easter in the morning, we expected a signal every minute 
 for going to sea, and on this account the Captain would 
 have no service ; passed the morning in reading the 
 service with M'K ; in the afternoon a breeze sprung up ; 
 the Indiamen, with all the men-of-war, and the trans- 
 
 2 D ,«i^ 
 
402 JOURNAL. [1806 
 
 ports bound to India for provisions, got under weigh. 
 At night M'K. and myself read and prayed together. 
 
 10. After a disturbed night, I rose sick, and con- 
 tinued very ill throughout the day ; the time passed 
 away very painfully and tediously in reading a little, and 
 slumbering. Read Leighton in the evening, and found 
 as usual the writings of that holy man blest to my spirit's 
 real good, and saw the sinfulness of giving way too 
 much to the influence of the body, and suffering it to 
 chain down the soul to earth ; for what should I do in a 
 long sickness preceding death ? 
 
 1 1 . Rose rather better through mercy, but the mo- 
 tion of the ship was so great, that I was still uncom- 
 fortable, and could do little in my cabin, nor walk much 
 on deck, from extreme feebleness. In the afternoon a 
 strange sail appearing in the north-east, we ran away 
 before the wind in chase of her, by which means the 
 motion ceasing, I had a little ease. She proved to be 
 a friend, and as we supposed, a homeward-bound India- 
 man. Had great grief and humiliation in prayer, for 
 having said something very severe to the captain, which 
 vexed him not a little, though I certainly did not intend 
 it. My soul was full of anguish at having given another 
 unnecessary pain, and saw guilt enough in not having a 
 rule over my tongue. Had I been breathing love to his 
 soul, and in the habit of praying to God for him, I 
 could not have spoken in such a manner ; I thought, 
 Christ has sent me forth as an under-shepherd, to win 
 the wandering sheep by every act of kindness, and yet I, 
 through my wickedness, drive them farther from the 
 fold. God was graciously pleased to open to my mind, 
 new and solemnizing views of eternal things, so that my 
 thoughts and affections sweetly rested in heaven. 
 M'K. and myself read and prayed together at night. 
 
 12. Continued very unwell, so that I could engage 
 in no regular employment. Read Isaiah and Persian at 
 intervals. By reading Leighton's rules for a holy life, 
 I found myself most awfully affected, and felt such a 
 deep conviction of the necessity of holiness, and such a 
 
1806] JOURNAL. • 403 
 
 desire after it, that when I was amongst the rest at 
 dinner, I felt quite grieved and shocked at every little 
 levity. However if I, in a little more spiritual frame 
 feel astonished at the universal thoughtlessness of men, 
 what must the infinitely holy God think of them ; and 
 of me, when I conform to them ! Went below after 
 dinner, and with some difficulty got a few together to 
 sing. I came up deeply sorrowful at the awfully-har- 
 dened state of the soldiers, and felt still more keenly 
 the unconcern of some of whom I hoped better things. I 
 go down the main hatchway and stand in the midst of a 
 few, without their taking the slightest notice of me, 
 except it be by giving a look of dread. After a little 
 while they call one or two of the singers, in such a man- 
 ner as shows they think they are doing me a great 
 favour. I comfort myself at such times by saying, 
 * Lord, it is for thy sake I suffer such slights, enable me 
 to persevere notwithstanding.' What I had been read- 
 ing in Leigh ton, remained much on my mind. I felt 
 altogether a new frame, a conviction and desire after 
 such alterations, but scarcely courage to attempt it ; but 
 withal, the deepest spirit of devotion I have felt for a 
 long time past. Towards night my soul seemed to sink 
 in deep waters, and a horrible dread overwhelmed me. 
 To forsake every species of earthly enjoyment, to crucify, 
 and mxortify, not only sinful pleasures, but all complacency 
 in created enjoyments, seemed to leave me wretched ; and 
 the distance which I found in myself from that simple 
 living upon God, and the great difficulty of attaining to it, 
 oppressed me with darkness and distress. Yet I scarcely 
 knew what it was that oppressed me. In prayer after- 
 wards it seemed to be the unawakened state of my hear- 
 ers, that chiefly made me melancholy. 
 
 13. Still too sick from the motion to apply regu- 
 larly to study. Rose early, and as usual sat in my chair ; 
 too sick and weak to dress myself. My state of mind 
 at such times is gloomy beyond measure. After break- 
 fast had a solemn season in prayer, with the same 
 impressions as yesterday, from Leighton, and tried to 
 
 2 D 2 
 
404 JOURNAL; [1806 
 
 give up myself wholly to God, not only to be resigned 
 solely to his will, but to seek my only pleasure from it, 
 to depart altogether from the world, and be exactly the 
 same in happiness, whether painful or pleasing dispen- 
 sations were appointed me : I endeavoured to realize 
 again the truth, that suffering was my appointed portion, 
 and that it became me to expect it as my daily lot. Yet 
 after all, I was ready to cry out, what an unfortunate 
 creature I am, the child of sorrow and care ; from my 
 infancy I have met with nothing but contradiction, but I 
 always solaced myself that one day it would be better, 
 and I should find myself comfortably settled in the 
 enjoyment of domestic pleasures, whereas, after all the 
 wearying labours of school and college, I am at last cut 
 off from all my friends, and comforts, and dearest hopes, 
 without being permitted even to hope for them any 
 more. As I walked the deck, I found that the conver- 
 sation of others, and my own gloomy surmises of my 
 future trials, affected me far less with vexation, than 
 they formerly did, merely from this, that I took it as 
 my portion from God, all whose dispensations I am 
 bound to consider and receive as the fruits of infinite 
 wisdom and love towards me. I felt therefore very 
 quiet, and was manifestly strengthened from above with 
 might in my inner man, therefore without any joy, with- 
 out any pleasant considerations to balance my present 
 sickness and gloom, I was contented from the reflection, 
 that it was God W'ho did it. I pray that this may be 
 my state, neither to be anxious to escape from this 
 stormy sea, that was round the Cape, nor to change the 
 tedious scene of the ship for Madras, nor to leave this 
 world merely to get rid of the troubles of it, but to glo- 
 rify God where I am, and where he puts me, and to 
 take each day as an important trust for him, in which I 
 have much to do both in suffering and acting. Employed 
 in collecting from the New Testament, all the passages 
 that refer to our walking in Christ. 
 
 14. So ill thew^hole morning with a head-ache, that 
 I could not sit in my cabin ; yet through grace ; my mind 
 
1806] JOURNAL. 405 
 
 continued in the same contented spirit as yesterday. I 
 neither looked back nor looked forward, but endeavoured 
 to be pleased with the dispensations of the day. Spoke 
 to M'K. a good deal on this subject, and on that unchar- 
 itable, slanderous disposition which we are apt to indulge. 
 Found my usual place at the main hatchway occupied in 
 the afternoon ; so I returned and passed some time in 
 prayer, for the stedfast maintenance of this spirit of sub- 
 mission. But though in several seasons of prayer I had 
 fixed and solemn thoughts, there was a want of love to 
 God. Was beginning, with some profit, to meditate on 
 a subject, when M'K. coming in interrupted me. We 
 passed some time in reading and prayer, after which I 
 read Hindoostanee. 
 
 15. Chiefly employed in writing. Sickness being 
 removed, and outward things being more agreeable, I 
 found it more difficult to look off from all things to 
 God, than when I was troubled, and thus have I actually 
 been happier in affliction than at other times. I know 
 however so well by experience now, how sweet and 
 happy a life it is to live by faith, that I was earnest to 
 keep close to God, and be utterly indifferent about the 
 outward scene. 
 
 16. (Sunday.) Felt the utmost reluctance to the 
 public duties of the day ; but instead of labouring to per- 
 ceive some pleasantness in my work as I used to do, in 
 order to reconcile myself to it, I calmly considered it as 
 a cross, and then from a principle of resignation had 
 my mind made up to go right through every difficulty in 
 obedience to God. Preached from Psalm ciii. 1 — 4, as 
 suitable to the occasion of its being the first service after 
 their return from the battle. The congregation was 
 small, and those who were there seemed to show a great 
 deal of determined inattention and contempt, i. e. the 
 common soldiers. The younger officers w^ere none of 
 them present ; they annoy M'K. most ; to me they 
 seldom speak. * Come now,' they said to M'K. as he 
 went down, ' let us have a little of the humbug,' and 
 then began to mimic the singing of psalms. S. in the 
 
406 JOURNAL. [1806 
 
 afternoon, at which time he is always intoxicated, find- 
 ing M'K reading the Bible, said ' the Bible ! ' Poor 
 
 unhappy creature, the terrors of God are manifestly upon 
 his conscience, for in his drunkenness he is always talk- 
 ing of religion. After the service, felt very contented to 
 be among this people, and to be left without any fruit, 
 since such was the will of God. I continued in a solemn 
 and mournful frame, thinking much of those words of 
 Ezekiel, " Not to many people of a strange speech, and 
 of an hard language, whose words thou canst not under- 
 stand. Surely had I sent thee to them, they would have 
 hearkened unto thee. But the house of Israel will not 
 hearken unto thee ; for they will not hearken unto me ; 
 for all the house of Israel are impudent and hard- 
 hearted." Going below in the afternoon, I found the 
 tailor and serjeant at the usual place of our meeting, 
 employed in cutting out clothes. I read Luke xix. and 
 found great freedom in speaking from several parts ; 
 there was great noise and levity all about, so that I was 
 at first afraid to pray, but considering that eternal things 
 ought not to give place to the Devil, I began, and soon 
 all was silent. Thus the Lord fulfils his promise, of 
 making my forehead strong against their foreheads, ' as 
 
 an adamant harder than flint. B sat with me in 
 
 the evening ; during- the conversation my heart was 
 filled with joy in God, and all that was within me bles- 
 sed his holy name ; but in prayer alone I rather endea- 
 voured to have solemn thoughts of God, and deep con- 
 siderations of the necessity of perfect submission, than 
 gave way to the flow of joy. I perceived for the first 
 time the difl^erence between sensible sweetness in reli- 
 gion, and the really valuable attainments in vital godli- 
 ness, according to those remarkable words of Leighton, 
 which rather surprised me at first. (Rules for a holy life. 
 Sec. iii. 9.) ** Mortify all afl'ections towards inward 
 sensible spiritual delight in grace, and the following of 
 devotion with sensible sweetness in the lower faculties 
 or powers of the soul, which are no wise real sanctity 
 and holiness in themselves, but certain gifts of God to 
 
1806] JOURNAL. 407 
 
 help our infirmity." M*K. prayed in my cabin to night, 
 and our tempers and conversations more Christian than 
 ordinarily. 
 
 17. Had reason enough to accuse myself of idle- 
 ness. Wrote a little on a divine subject, and was some- 
 what solemn in the employment ; but by giving way to 
 a light spirit, brought a sense of guilt on my mind, and 
 a burdensome inability to be holy and devout in my 
 thoughts. Oh what a miserable existence is life, except 
 the time be well filled up with profitable work, and the 
 soul conformed to the mind which was in Christ Jesus. 
 
 18. Completed my twenty-fifth year. Let me re- 
 collect it to my own shame, and be warned by it, to 
 spend my future years to a better purpose ; unless this 
 be the case, it is of very little consequence to notice 
 when such a person came into the world. Passed much 
 of the morning in prayer, but could not succeed at all 
 in getting an humble and contrite spirit ; my pride and 
 self-esteem seemed unconquerable. Wrote sermon with 
 my mind impressed with the necessity of diligence : had 
 the usual service, and talked much to a sick man. Read 
 Hindoostanee. As we were scudding at the rate of nine 
 knots an hour, before a gale of wind, there would have 
 been the utmost danger in running foul of a ship, which 
 we had almost done at night ; we continued between 
 two ships without any seaman fit for such difficult 
 steering, so that I felt more alarm than at any time since 
 we first sailed. I did not go to bed till very late, and 
 when I did, it was with such expectation of being awaked 
 by the summons of death, that I got little or no sleep 
 the whole night ; nature trembled at passing into another 
 world, but my soul was enabled to perceive God to be 
 my reconciled Father. 
 
 19. Private duties encroached so far on the morn- 
 ing, through my extreme idleness and want of energy 
 in the performance of them, that I could do but little 
 afterwards. Read Hindoostanee ; the gale of wind con- 
 tinuing, and much water flying over the sides, all the 
 hatches were shut down, so that there was perfect dark- 
 
408 JOURNAL. [1806 
 
 n ess below ; however, I visited the sick man, being 
 obliged to feel my way to him. I am always surprised 
 at the perfect contentment wdth which they seem to lie.i 
 This man was swinging in his hammock in darkness, 
 and heat, and damp, without a creature to speak to him, 
 and in a burning fever. I gave him a few grapes which 
 had been given me, to allay his thirst. How great the 
 pleasure of doing good even to the bodies of men. He 
 said he had been thinking of what I had told him ever 
 since, but shewed no- true marks of seriousness. As I 
 was entering in my common-place book something from 
 Brown of this kind, ' that if from regard to God's Sab- 
 baths, I deny myself, he will more than make it up to 
 me,' I could not help recollecting, how this had been ful- 
 filled to me this very day ; for the Sunday we sailed from 
 the Cape, a boat coming alongside with fruit, I did not 
 think it right to buy any, though I longed to have some 
 to carry to sea. To-day, Mr. Reynolds, the new pas- 
 senger, to w^hom I scarcely ever spoke, surprised me by 
 sending me a plate of fruit, by which I have not only 
 been refreshed, but enabled to relieve this poor sick 
 creature. Lost much time in looking at the sea, which 
 presented a magnificent sight, and which I enjoyed more, 
 from its being the first time of my being in a gale with- 
 out sickness ; through the whole of the day w^as wan- 
 dering in prayer, and in my thoughts and conversation. 
 Read Prideaux and Milner's sermons with M'K. at 
 night. Was greatly distressed at my hardness of heart, 
 and thought of the expediency of adding fasting to prayer, 
 to enable me to attain to escape from the misery of 
 pride, fulness of bread, and abundance of idleness, but 
 from this the flesh shrinks with extraordinary dread. 
 
 20. Prayed with earnestness for a spirit of humilia- 
 tion, and after some time, was blest, through divine 
 mercy, with a sense of my own sinfulness and ingrati- 
 tude. I felt it good and suitable that one so vile should 
 walk through the world overwhelmed with contrition 
 and love, receiving with grateful contentment every 
 painful dispensation, because not worthy to enjoy the 
 
1806] JOURNAL. 409 
 
 t 
 
 light of this world. I found it useful to try my heart in 
 its aspect towards sinners, for when I am disposed to be 
 angry and bitter against them, I have seated myself in 
 the Judge's chair, instead of lying with my face in the 
 dust, as the basest of them all. I pray therefore, that 
 God would glorify himself by the gifts and graces of all 
 his creatures, and put honour upon them, but make me 
 take my place at the bottom of them, unnoticed, un- 
 known, and forgotten. While this temper lasted it was 
 well enough with me ; all was serene and serious ; but 
 alas ! I soon lost it, and became somebody again. In 
 the afternoon, going below, could get no one of my 
 singers, so after waiting some time in vain, I came 
 away. Wrote sermon at night with tolerable freedom, 
 and read Prideaux with M'K. 
 
 21. Employed through the day in writing sermon, 
 and learning Hindoostanee roots. Was led to pray for 
 grace to live simply by faith, and to maintain the life 
 of devotion, not by outward aids, but by immediate 
 union with Christ and dependence on his grace. In 
 general, I find, that in beginning to pray, I transport 
 myself in imagination to some solitary spot, or to some 
 scene which I have found favourable to devotion, and 
 there fancy myself praying. The bad consequence of 
 this is, that when I open my eyes and am conversant 
 with the things around me, I am distressed and unable 
 to maintain such a sense of God's presence ; imagina- 
 tion seems to be a sort of help, like music, not entirely 
 to be despised, because both have quickened the languid 
 spirit to devotion. Yet I feel that I ought to learn to live 
 without the help of it, because in sickness and old age it 
 may not be in exercise. M'K. and myself read and prayed 
 at night. I was rejoiced to find so much of a Christian 
 spirit in him, as he shewed in an unpleasant squabble 
 that has taken place in the cuddy. 
 
 22. Conscience greatly wounded by trifling and waste 
 of time when I ought to be in prayer, and by instantly 
 after falling into the same sins, I had really felt humbled 
 and grieved. Oh the great forbearance of God. Found 
 
410 JOURNAL. [180& 
 
 much matter for prayer in Isaiah xxvi. and xxvii. Con- 
 tinued writing and learning roots. Had the usual ser- 
 vice below to-day and yesterday, and conversed with 
 two sick men. My soul is restless without God. At 
 some moments the glimpses of His glory elevate my 
 soul above the world, and make me follow hard after 
 him ; at other times I am carnal, full of fears about the 
 opinions of men, and dissatisfied with my lot. Oh for 
 perfect holiness ; oh for heaven, where the disorders 
 of my soul shall be removed. 
 
 23. (Sunday.) In great want of spirituality in all the 
 public and private duties of the day. On rising in the 
 morning, after a sleepless night, was most severely tried 
 in my temper, by several little cross accidents. Preached 
 on John i. 14. and was more comfortable than at any 
 other time of the day. Walking the quarter-deck, was 
 vexed with the worldly and wicked conversation of all 
 around me ; in the irritable state of mind in which I 
 was, I rather considered my anger as corruption to be 
 striven against, than zeal to be encouraged. Read be- 
 low in the afternoon. 
 
 24. Employed this morning in Hindoostanee, and 
 the evening in writing ; the afternoon below decks, and 
 had much comfort and enjoyment in secret prayer. Saw 
 great reason to strive against sensuality at my meals, 
 and at dinner-time to-day, was enabled to mortify my 
 appetites, and to consider my body strictly as intended 
 to be, as no instrument of my own pleasure, but to be 
 used and refreshed for God's service. Read Prideaux 
 with M'K. at night. 
 
 25. A sleepless night again gave me occasion to 
 contend with an extreme irritability, arising from nervous 
 weakness. Passed the morning as usual in Hindoos- 
 tanee ; in my walk on deck was tried very painfully by 
 peevishness and censoriousness. A considerable num- 
 ber were present in the afternoon. Read and prayed 
 with M*K. at night. 
 
 26. How constantly and earnestly has God assured 
 his people of the future ingathering of the Gentiles ! I 
 
1806] * JOURNAL. 411 
 
 have seen it more and more of late in Isaiah, and pray 
 God I may be stirred up to pray fervently for the fulfil- 
 ment of his promises. And oh that I myself may live 
 with God, and behold the world and its concerns with 
 the eye of a stranger. Endeavoured to keep this text 
 before me at dinner-time, *' Forgetting the things which 
 are behind, and reaching forth unto the things which 
 are before, I press toward the mark for the prize of the 
 high calling of God in Christ Jesus." Oh the high and 
 holy work of a believer ! Every day is given to me to 
 obtain new grace, to put new graces into exercise, and 
 improve those that I have, whatever they may be. 
 Learnt Hindoostanee roots in the morning, and wrote 
 in the evening, except when M'K. was with me. In 
 the afternoon the young men came to me for mathe- 
 matics. God help me of his mercy to walk more evenly 
 and holily. 
 
 27. Rose once more after a sleepless night, and had 
 in consequence a peevish temper to contend with. Had 
 a comfortable and fervent season of prayer, in the morn- 
 ing, while interceding for the heathen from some of the 
 chapters in Isaiah. How striking did those words 
 Isaiah xlii. 8. appear to me, " I am the Lord, that is 
 my name, and my glory will I not give to another, 
 neither my praise to graven images." Lord, is not thy 
 praise given to graven images in India ? here then is 
 thine own express word that it shall not continue to be 
 so. And how easy is it for the mighty God that cre- 
 ated the heavens and stretched them out, that spread 
 forth the earth, and that which cometh out of it ; that 
 giveth breath unto the people upon it, and spirit to them 
 that walk therein ; to effect his purposes in a mo- 
 ment. What is caste ? What are inveterate prejudices, 
 and civil power, and priestly bigotry, when once the 
 Lord shall set to his hand ? Who knows whether even the 
 present generation may not see Satan's throne shaken 
 to its base in India ? Learning Hindoostanee words in 
 the morning ; in the afternoon below, and much hurt at 
 the cold reception the men gave me^ 
 
412 JOURNAL. [1806 
 
 28. Had still much comfort and enlargement in 
 prayer over the chapters of Isaiah. Learnt Hindoostanee 
 words, which, however dry an employment in itself, is 
 made so delightful to me through the mercy of God, 
 that I could with pleasure be always at it. Continued 
 a good while on deck, that fatigue might induce sleep 
 at night. Below in the afternoon, and began St. John ; 
 no marks of seriousness in any of the sick. From the 
 want of the usual refreshment of co^ee at night, which 
 is not to be given any more on the voyage, I was led 
 into many reflections on self-denial in general. I find 
 it a very hard matter to live independently of the flesh, 
 and to feel the same pleasure in God, and the same 
 general contentment, when deprived of accustomed in- 
 dulgences, as when enjoying them. Finding I was 
 looking forward with pleasure to the refreshment of 
 wine and water I should receive at night from the 
 cuddy, I determined to mortify this carnality, by send- 
 ing it to the sick, whose necessities indeed made it a duty 
 to do so. After this, though a little heavy, and with- 
 out any sensible pleasure in religion ; I felt a great 
 hardihood of soul, and superiority to all difficulties. 
 
 March 1. Chiefly engaged in preparing for to-mor- 
 row. Found myself again become inordinately interested 
 about our progress, instead of quietly leaving it with 
 God. In the afternoon, nothing could be done below 
 but visiting the sick. Cast down at night at the diffi- 
 culties of a Christian life and ministry, but was helped 
 to go forward, and found some comfort and repose 
 at last. 
 
 2. (Sunday.) The ship running nine knots an hour, 
 and the sea sometimes flying over the side, the Captain 
 had no service. M'K. coming into the cabin, read a few 
 of the church prayers, afterwards we read sacred Scrip- 
 ture and some of the Homilies. Afterwards, in secret, 
 had a solemn season of meditation and prayer on 
 Philippians and 1 Cor. xiii. Reading some of Leighton 
 on Peter, I was somewhat dejected at the apparent im- 
 possibility of attaining the spirituality and holiness 
 
1806] JOURNAL. 413 
 
 which he describes, or at least at the pain to the flesh with 
 which such exertions must be attended. Went in to din- 
 ner unwillingly, yet determined to mortify all my carnal 
 appetites. Found, on going below, B. ill of a fever, and 
 all the other singers either ill, or so weak that they could 
 not sing. However, I read some hymns and explained 
 a chapter, but found no fit opportunity for prayer. 
 M'K. afterwards by his conversation was a great com- 
 fort and relief to me, I found my affection much in- 
 creased to him, and had reason to bless God for him, 
 especially now that the image of Christ is more visible 
 in him. We read and prayed together. In prayer alone 
 afterwards, my soul rose with joy, and tasted a more 
 pure and spiritual pleasure than for a long time past. 
 I saw nothing in the world comparable to the service of 
 God, no possession on earth so sweet as his own image. 
 3. Had some thoughts of devoting this day to fast- 
 ing and prayer, but rising with a cold, and the air ex- 
 ceedingly damp, I thought that fasting would expose 
 me to the attack of fever, especially while going among 
 those who have it. Continued however in the spirit of 
 prayer, and notwithstanding the great want of diligence 
 in all I did, my soul seemed under a spiritual influence, 
 so that I found sweet delight in prayer, and the thought 
 of passing all my time in prayer and keeping my body 
 completely under for that purpose. Met with some things 
 in Hartley on Man, on the subject of temperance, that I 
 found useful ; I want nothing to do with the world. 
 May I ever remain free and disentangled, pursuing my 
 way unnoticed through the wilderness, finding all my 
 pleasure in secret communion with God, and in seeing 
 him glorified. I am as happy as I can be on earth, 
 without more grace. In the afternoon, having no ser- 
 vice, all being ill, I talked very fully and solemnly to 
 one of the corporals, who is rather serious, on the ne- 
 cessity of a thorough self-devotedness to God ; this was 
 by the side of poor B.'s hammock, who confirmed what 
 I said. Governed my temper a little better with the 
 young men at mathematics. 
 
414 JOURNAL. [1806 
 
 4. My mind tolerably spiritual, and finding pleasure 
 in the thought of spending all my time in prayer, and 
 crucifixion of the body, but was obliged again to defer 
 the setting apart a day for prayer, on account of my 
 cold, which makes me very stupid. Employed chiefly in 
 Hindoostanee. Still no service in the afternoon, through 
 the illness of my people. Found an opportunity of 
 speaking to Corporal B. who has kept away from us ever 
 since coming aboard from the Cape. Oh how various 
 and important are the duties of a minister ! they require 
 far more wisdom than I possess. This young man 
 naturally has a bad temper, and the ill-will he has 
 brought upon himself by it from all the soldiers has 
 unhinged his mind, and proved a temptation to forsake 
 God and his ordinances. Had a happy season of prayer 
 with M'K. at night, but still my slothfulness and un- 
 fruitfulness is an enemy to my peace. 
 
 5. (See Memoir, p. 117.) 
 
 Oh, that I knew how to be duly abased ! Oh, Spirit 
 of God ! fix the eyes of thy wretched creature upon his 
 former sins, which thou hast brought to his mind, else 
 he will instantly forget them and think of something 
 else, and become again self-complacent ! What shall I 
 think of myself in comparison of others ? How ought I 
 to kiss the very dust beneath their feet, from a con- 
 sciousness of my inferiority ! And in my thoughts of 
 God and his dealings, how ought I to be wrapt in con- 
 stant astonishment ! I was made to recollect this morn- 
 ing something of my wickedness in my conduct years 
 ago. Oh since I am not now in the burning flame ; 
 what shall I do ? how shall my walk and conversation 
 be ever consistent with such miracles of mercy ? How 
 can I be so barefaced as to stand up to rebuke sin ? 
 How can I dare to be angry w-ith sinners ? Teach thou, 
 oh God ! since it is permitted the creature to speak to 
 thee. This day was set apart for fasting and prayer; 
 the morning was spent in the work of humihation, and 
 through mercy there was no great difficulty. The hard 
 heart was broken, and contrite in a certain degree. At 
 
1806] JOURNAL. 415 
 
 least I had not the distressing sensation of impudent 
 hard-heartedness which I sometimes feel at the sight of 
 sin. In the afternoon, began to pray for the setting up of 
 God's kingdom in the world, especially in India, and 
 had such a season of prayer as I never had before. My 
 whole soul wrestled with God. I knew not how to leave 
 off urging with him the fulfilment of his promise, chiefly 
 pleading His own glorious power. The rest of the 
 evening I had not much to myself, the cadets with their 
 mathematics, and M'K. being with me. Wrote a little 
 at intervals. Notwithstanding the view I had of my 
 dreadful guilt and depravity in the morning, at night I 
 had to groan again at feeling the spiritual pride founded 
 on the exercises of the past day. 
 
 6. Professedly engaged in writing and learning Hin- 
 doostanee words, but failed in that diligence, for which 
 my soul seemed earnest in prayer last night and this 
 morning. Afternoon passed as usual in visiting the 
 sick ; reading mathematics with the young men ; reading 
 to M'K. Prideaux; and writing. Endeavoured to exer- 
 cise that indifference which I ought to have, whether 
 the ship goes faster or slower towards India, since it is 
 God's concern. Oh for a due humility for my past 
 idleness ; oh for a sense of the infinite value of time ; oh 
 my soul ! whatever thy hand findeth to do, do it with all 
 thy might, for there is no knowledge nor wisdom nor 
 device in the grave whither thou goest ! 
 
 7. Endeavoured this morning to consider Christ as 
 the High Priest of my profession. Never do I set myself 
 to understand the nature of my walk in Christ, without 
 getting good to my soul. Employed as usual through 
 the day. Heard from M'K. that they are not yet fired 
 with inveighing against my doctrines. They took occa- 
 sion also to say from my salary, that ' Martyn as well as 
 the rest can share the plunder of the natives of India ; 
 whether it is just or not he does not care.' This brought 
 back the doubts I formerly had about the lawfulness of 
 receiving any thing from the company. My mind is not 
 yet comfortable about it. I see it however my duty to wait 
 
416 JOURNAL. [1806 
 
 in faith and patience, till the Lord shall satisfy my doubts 
 one way or other. I would wish for no species of connec- 
 tion with the East India Company, and notwithstanding 
 the large sums I have borrowed on the credit of my salary, 
 which I shall never be able to repay from any other 
 means, I would wish to become a missionary, dependent 
 on a society ; but I know not how to decide. The Lord 
 in mercy keep my soul in peace. Other thoughts have 
 occurred to me since. A man who has unjustly got pos- 
 session of an estate, hires me as a minister to preach to 
 his servants, and pays me a salary : the money wherewith 
 he pays me comes unjustly to him, but justly to me. 
 The Company are the acknowledged proprietors of the 
 country, the ruling powers. If I were to refuse to go 
 there, I might on the same account, refuse to go 
 to France and preach to the French people or body 
 guard of the emperor, because the present monarch who 
 pays me is not the lawful one. If there were a com- 
 pany of Mahomedan merchants or Mahomedan princes 
 in possession of the country, should I hesitate to 
 accept an offer of officiating as chaplain among them, 
 and receiving a salary ? 
 
 8. Rose very early and found great assistance in my 
 studies, my mind at ease by the foregoing considerations ; 
 but the anxiety produced by the question produced in- 
 disposition which made my body very irritable. Nothing 
 will be so good for my health in India as a strong faith 
 and close walk with God, keeping my mind in perfect 
 peace. The influence my mind has upon the body is asto- 
 nishing. Chiefly employed in preparing for to-morrow. 
 
 9. (Sunday.) Oh blessed Lord ! what are friends, 
 or home, or society ! Thou art more than all of them to 
 me. What friend on earth careth for my soul, or can 
 do it any good ? Who ever loved it as thou hast loved 
 it ? Were I in the midst of them, I could seldom see 
 them, but thou art always near. Even a father is but 
 the author of my bodily existence, whereas my God is 
 the Creator of my body, the Creator of my soul, the 
 Redeemer, and Sanctifier of it; I feel that all earthly 
 
1806] JOURNAL. 417 
 
 connections are unimportant ; I am born for God only. 
 (See Memoir, page 160.) Rose in the morning with 
 peacefulness and in prayer ; was helped to rest by faith 
 on the promises of God, and to be more serious about 
 the effects of the word on the souls of the poor people, 
 than anxious about their opinions of it. Preached from 
 John i. 29. All very attentive as usual, but no impres- 
 sion seemingly. Read Jeremiah afterwards in my cabin, 
 and was recovering from the ruffled state of mind I am 
 generally in after preaching, when M'K. by irrelevant 
 conversation, and bringing full food to my pride, dis- 
 turbed my peace ; but at last it was restored, while pray- 
 ing for grace to live spiritually, above all carnal delights, 
 which alas, I find it very hard to do ; most of the pray- 
 ers I offer up on this subject seeming to pass away like 
 the wind. Read, prayed and sung below in the after- 
 noon to a tolerable number. In prayer afterwards in 
 private, had a most precious view of Christ, as a friend 
 that sticketh closer than a brother. Oh how" sweet was it 
 to pray to Him. I hardly knew how to contemplate Him 
 with praise enough ; his adorable excellences more and 
 more seemed to open the longer I spoke to him. Who 
 shall shew forth all His praise ? I can conceive it to be 
 a theme long enough for eternity. The wonder is how 
 I have not heretofore been swallowed up with admira- 
 tion of Jesus Christ, and that I should be tempted 
 hereafter to forget to praise and love him. Oh that those 
 happy seasons were continued, that the Spirit of truth 
 would keep these things of Christ in the imaginations of 
 the thoughts of my heart. I want no other happiness, 
 no other sort of heaven. I sat down under his shadow 
 with great delight, and his fruit was sweet to my taste. 
 At night prayed with M'K. 
 
 10. Rose after a sleepless night, unfit for any great 
 exertion of mind, and so passed the morning in making 
 entries into my common place-book. My peace was 
 much wounded by carelessness and backwardness in 
 prayer and reading. What a miserable creature ! no 
 manifestations of Divine favour, no painful trials 
 
 2 E 
 
418 JOURNAL. [1806 
 
 have yet taught me to beware of offending the great and 
 blessed God, by walking unevenly before him. Oh 
 that I may fear this great and holy Lord God ! In 
 prayer about the middle of the day over one of the chap- 
 ters of Isaiah, was greatly restored in the spirit of my 
 mind, and found much satisfaction at having gained 
 some superiority over my carnal appetite, by being able 
 to look upon the day as given me to spend in study and 
 labours for God, and meat and drink as occasional 
 refreshments, about which I ought not to think one 
 minute. One of the sick gave me some hopes of him 
 this afternoon. Beasant scarcely out of danger. In 
 the evening afterwards felt the most ardent desire to be 
 employing myself in the language, that I might as soon 
 as possible be able to preach the gospel ; and prayed with 
 much confidence for the presence of the Lord, and his 
 assistance even in this study. 
 
 11. Having had something said to me, though very 
 groundlessly, as if I loved sleep, I determined to follow 
 the captain's advice and go to bed at nine, and rise at 
 four, instead of sitting up so late as I generally do. 
 Had much enjoyment of Divine things through the day. 
 Employed in Hindoostanee and sermon, though in con- 
 sequence of want of sleep the preceding night I 
 was very languid and dull. Prayed with M'K. at 
 night. 
 
 12. After another very disturbed night, rose w^ith 
 the larboard watch at four, but could do little ; my stomach 
 was deranged, and my eyes heavy with sleep. Thought 
 and wrote a little on a subject ; felt very much with- 
 drawn from this present world while in prayer, but my 
 trifling way of passing my time was very distressing to 
 me. Had a service below, and staid to converse with 
 Serjeants G. and C. and the sick ; M'K. sat with me the 
 whole of the evening. I read Leigh ton. It blows a 
 gale again, and my own frame much deranged ; death 
 was brought near to view, and the precious remarks of 
 that holy man were the means of rich and abundant 
 comfort to me. Truly I can say — '^ I am in a strait 
 
180G] JOURNAL. 419 
 
 betwixt two, having a desire to depart and be with 
 Christ, which is far better." 
 
 13. The gale continuing all night, I got little or 
 no sleep ; rose at the same time as yesterday and 
 walked about before day ; could do scarcely anything the 
 w^hole day from sleepiness and fatigue ; my frame of 
 mind was very poor and idle ; in prayer seemed to speak 
 nothing but unmeaning words : with shame for my list- 
 lessness and unprofitableness, the day closed. 
 
 14. ' Suavissima vita est indies sentire se fieri me- 
 liorem.' So I can say from former experience more 
 than from present. But oh, it is the ardent desire of 
 my soul to regard all earthly things with indifference, 
 as one who dwells above with God. May 1 grow in 
 grace ; may the grace of God which bringeth salvation 
 teach me to become daily more spiritual, more humble, 
 more stedfast in Christ, more meek, more wise, and in 
 all things to live soberly, righteously and godly in this 
 present world. How shall I attain to greater heavenly- 
 mindedness ? Rose refreshed after a good night's sleep, 
 and wrote on a subject ; had much conversation with 
 Mr. B. upon deck ; he seemed much surprised when I 
 corrected his notions on religion, but received what I 
 said with great candour. He said there was a minister 
 at Madras, a Dane, with w^hom Sir D. Baird was well 
 acquainted, who used to speak in the same manner of 
 religion, whose name was Swartz. My attention was 
 instantly roused at the venerable name, and I eagerly in- 
 quired of him all the particulars with which he was ac- 
 quainted. He had often heard him preach, and Mr. 
 Jaenicke had often breakfasted with him ; Swartz he said 
 had a very commanding manner, and used to preach 
 extempore in English at Madras ; he died very poor. In 
 the afternoon had a service below ; much of the evening 
 M'K. passed with me, and prayed. 
 
 15. Unwell all day with sickness, sleepiness, and 
 headache, and passed much of the time upon deck sit- 
 ting at the gangway looking at the sea. I enjoyed in 
 general peaceful thoughts, tender recollections, and 
 
 2 E 2 
 
420 JOURNAL. [1806 
 
 happy prospects. Preparing myself in the evening for 
 my subject for to-morrow. 
 
 16. (Sunday.) In the morning with many waver- 
 ings ; I was at last assisted to be somewhat spiritual and 
 elevated above the world to God. Preached on 
 Job xxii. 21. ; there was less attention than I ever saw, 
 except once ; only one officer present, and many of the 
 soldiers standing at a distance instead of sitting down in 
 order. In the afternoon w^as much assisted below in 
 speaking from beginning of John v. ; prayed and sang 
 with them. Found poor Beasant rather delirious. M'K. 
 and myself read and prayed together at night. Con- 
 tinued all the latter part of the day with affections and 
 thoughts sweetly fixed on heaven. I seem to feel that 
 I have nothing to do but to fulfil, like a hireling, my 
 day, and then to die and be at rest with Jesus. Oh, 
 what are friends, what are the enjoyments of this world ! 
 how vain, how transitory! 
 
 17. The morning employed in writing, but no dili- 
 gence ; in prayer cold ; was roused to a sense of shame 
 and sorrow for my indolence, towards evening ; and 
 began to work with some fervour and earnestness, as 
 in the presence of God, but I was unhappily interrupted, 
 and not able to resume my work the rest of the evening. 
 Read Prideaux and Milner to M'K., but my spirit was 
 much injured by our light and worldly conversation. 
 Oh that I may have grace to return from my evil ways. 
 
 18. Was tried with evil temper very early in the 
 morning. When meeting the Major on the poop, we 
 had a conversation about the missions at the Cape. I 
 was grieved at his apparent hatred of them, and his dis- 
 relish of religion. In great shame for my past indolence, 
 I cried to God, and in determined resolution began my 
 work of writing, and with a sort of indignation against 
 myself, continued pretty stedfast, and was made to profit. 
 Had service below deck in the afternoon. Beasant, I 
 fear, still delirious. The young men, whom I have 
 accounted serious, seldom present. I continued in the 
 same spirit of determined diligence, and thought with 
 
1806] JOURNAL. 421 
 
 pleasure of a life, perfectly independent of earthly 
 comforts, spent in the service of Christ. Prayed with 
 M'K. at night ; but the long conversation about the 
 things of this world afterw^ards injured my peace 
 again. 
 
 1 9. Still pressing myself to more diligence, but again 
 loitering ; did less this morning than yesterday. Poor 
 B. quite delirious ; let me not forget to pray for him, 
 now that he cannot pray for himself. The Major gave 
 some better hopes ; said he was quite dissatisfied with 
 himself, but could not attain that state of perfection re- 
 quired. Confessed that happiness was only to be found 
 in the hopes of the next world, for there was nothing 
 worth living for in this. I was also much pleased at 
 hearing and observing some things of M'K. which tes- 
 tified his growth in grace. M'K. came again at night, 
 and notwithstanding my previous care, my soul was 
 injured by trifling. We read Prideaux and Milner. How 
 shall I at the close of my life and ministry be able to 
 appeal to God and men, how holily, justly, and un- 
 blameably I have behaved myself. 
 
 20. Fell in with the trade wind, w^hich now carries 
 us rapidly towards India. What tenfold need of dili- 
 gence have I now, to make amends for so much lost 
 time ! Was rather more stedfast than yesterday, but 
 still very unfruitful. Fell again into that keen anxiety 
 about the wind and weather and the wav we were 
 making. Alas, why cannot I have these things with 
 God ? Had a happy and enlivening season in prayer 
 in the middle of the day for the spread of the gospel in 
 the distant islands, about which I had been reading. 
 I felt a sort of regret that I could not live to see the 
 happy day ; yet I think the inhabitants of heaven must 
 take pleasure in seeing the same things ; at least I can 
 scarce picture to myself a greater enjoyment in heaven, 
 than seeing God glorified by the general conversion of 
 the heathen to the Lord Jesus Christ. Read and sung 
 below. Beasant still delirious. In the evening wdth 
 M'K. was more on my guard against trifling conversa- 
 
422 JOURNAL. [1806 
 
 tion, and enjoyed in consequence a sweet and happy 
 spirituality of mind. 
 
 2 1 . Wounded my conscience grievously by careless 
 walking, and following my own humour by reading 
 other things, when the Spirit of God was calling me to 
 prayer ; in great misery at night I cast myself at the 
 foot of the cross, having been unable to approach God 
 in my prayers to any purpose before ; and then through 
 infinite mercy and love, found some tender contrition. 
 Finished writing on one subject, and began to think of 
 another. Found that B. had recovered his senses. Learnt 
 Hindoostanee roots at night. Read scripture with M'K. 
 
 22. Still pained with a sense of guilt, but found 
 some sorrow and contrition in prayer ; and, while this 
 lasted, was of course more careful and spiritual in my 
 frame and conversation. Prepared for to-morrow. 
 Going below, found the singers all ill again. Crossed 
 the Tropic of Capricorn. 
 
 23. (Sunday.) Preached on Ezek. xxxiii. 11. The 
 wind was very high, almost a gale, so that we w^ere 
 going eight knots an hour, and being on our beam, the 
 sea beat upon the broad-side, with such noise and vio- 
 lence, that the men could not attend well ; I found it 
 easy enough to stand, by resting my back against the 
 weather binnacle, and I felt disposed to go on with 
 liberty and affection ; but was obliged to cut my sermon 
 short, by which means I left out the most prominent and 
 useful parts. In the afternoon, the tarpaulins being over the 
 hatches, we could have no service below ; in the evening, 
 enjoyed a delightful, and sanctifying season in prayer. 
 Read and prayed witii M'K. at night, and continued to 
 enjoy much tranquillity of mind the rest of the evening. 
 
 24. The trade increased to a gale; and, the Commo- 
 dore making it almost a foul wind by the course he 
 steers, the ship was very uneasy. After a few hours 
 passed without sleep, I rose at day-light, and sat on the 
 poop. Presently a dark and violent squall coming on, 
 the Commodore fired two guns, the occasion of which 
 we discovered as soon as it cleared, by finding a trans- 
 
1806] JOURNAL. 423 
 
 port near us had carried away her main and mizen-masts. 
 The heat, which is 82, I found very relaxing, and be- 
 gan to be discouraged at the prospect of being unable 
 to support the heat of India ; but after some time I 
 recollected that this was no concern of mine ; thus I 
 was peaceful again, by casting all my care upon God. 
 Now this is a very precious privilege ; all that class of 
 evils, which consist in expected suffering, I have learned 
 through grace, by the gospel, to dismiss from my mind. 
 Was somewhat assisted this morning in meditating on 
 a divine subject. Reading the account of Mr. B.'s 
 death, I rose afPected with awful apprehensions, lest on 
 my death-bed I too should have occasion to say, * I 
 have too much neglected prayer.' Alas 1 what signifies 
 the number of times I bow my knees, unless I get good 
 to my soul ; and what will it profit me to have given 
 my body to be burned, and my goods to feed the poor, 
 if I have not personal holiness ! 
 
 25. Learned Hindoostanee roots in the morning. 
 
 In the evening, S paid me a visit, for the first time ; 
 
 he came, he said, to know my opinion of him ; he was 
 rather intoxicated. After some conversation, as con- 
 sistent as I could make it, I charged him with his most 
 notorious sins ; I said but little ; it seemed however to cut 
 him to the heart, for he changed countenance and said. 
 Now you are too hard upon me, and went away. M'K. 
 and myself read and prayed at night. 
 
 26. Passed much time before breakfast in sitting 
 on the poop, through utter disinclination to all exertion. 
 Such is the enervating effect of the climate ; but after 
 staying some hours learning Hindoostanee words, 
 2 Timothy ii. roused me to a bodily exertion. I felt 
 strong in spirit, resolving, if I died under it, to make 
 the body submit to robust exercise ; so I walked the deck 
 with great rapidity for an hour and a half. My animal 
 spirits were altered instantly ; I felt a happy and joyful 
 desire to brave the enervating effects of India in the 
 service of the blessed Lord Jesus. B. still delirious and 
 dying fast ; the first thing he said to me when I visited 
 
424 JOURNAL. [1806 
 
 him this afternoon, was, * Mr. Martyn, what will you 
 choose for a kingdom ? ' I made no answer to this, 
 but thought of it a good deal afterwards. What would 
 I choose ? Why I do not know that any thing would 
 be a heaven to me, but the service of Christ, and the 
 enjoyment of his presence. B. would say nothing but 
 a few sentences about religion. * 1 want to go to 
 heaven,' * I want Christ,' ' fountain of wisdom,' &c. 
 As there were two soldiers standing by his hammock, I 
 asked him, whether he would not advise them to seek 
 Christ in their health ; he said, ' they should.' Was 
 comforted with observing in M'K. at night a growth in 
 grace. I think my regard for him increases daily. We 
 read Blair's Lectures, some scripture, and hymns to- 
 gether, and had much spiritual conversation about the 
 temptations we are liable to, and our weakness against 
 them, and the strength which is to be found in Christ. 
 My own soul afterwards was much oppressed with guilt, 
 and shame, at the carnality of my life and thoughts, 
 and especially at recollecting ' my neglect of ministerial 
 duty. Qh ! when shall my soul be kept above the 
 world ? I feel myself more radically corrupted every 
 day. I cannot, I really have no power to keep before 
 my mind, one single minute, any of those thoughts 
 which reason and affection ever make dear to me. 
 
 27- The trade wind proving most unusually to be 
 foul, blowing from the N. E. instead of S. E. we were 
 obliged to go upon a losing tack to-day, and made very 
 little way. I seemed to partake of the general impa- 
 tience, and felt fretful at the prospect of such a long 
 protracted voyage. When I meet the rest at meals, 
 they weary me much more than they need to do, by 
 their frivolous conversation. Idly employed this morn- 
 ing in writing on a subject. Found B. better. Sat a 
 considerable time with the Lascars on the orlop, and 
 conversed with them a little. They understood all my 
 questions, but by their volubility elude my endeavours 
 to understand them. However, I think I am improving 
 in this. One of the new ones we took in at the Cape, 
 
1806] JOURNAL. 425 
 
 a man of a perfectly oriental appearance, and very 
 grave, spoke to me with uncommon energy upon re- 
 ligion ; the drift of all he said was to shew, that notwith- 
 standing the difference of religions, it all came to the 
 same thing at last. In prayer before M'K. came, I 
 hoped I should be able to have my soul wholly in 
 heaven, and the blessed example of Jesus before my 
 eyes, but it was not so. In reading some hymns with 
 him afterwards, my heart was filled with much joy 
 and love. 
 
 28. The days pass away in great uniformity. Em- 
 ployed in writing, but made no great advances ; felt a 
 great degree of weariness at the length of the voyage. 
 We are now lying becalmed in the centre of the Indian 
 ocean, but let not a discontented thought be found in 
 my heart. I was much tried by evil temper with one of 
 the young men in Mathematics. In prayer after this, I 
 could do nothing, but cast myself simply upon the mercy 
 and power of God, and cry for deliverance, which I 
 obtained, and found my heart, through the great riches 
 of his grace, tender and affectionate, particularly tow- 
 ards those to whom I had spoken with asperity. M'K. 
 prayed with me at night. 
 
 29. Employed all day long in preparing for to- 
 morrow. All the dread of preaching with which I used 
 to be tried, seemed to return. The afternoon spent as 
 usual in visiting the sick, and sitting on the poop in 
 pensive meditation. Alas, how little is there worth 
 tarrying here for, but the labouring for precious souls, 
 and oh that I may have a heart to do that ! Began to 
 grow more lively and active in my spirit towards night. 
 Captain O and F , who have had some un- 
 pleasant disagreements about the soldiers, both told me 
 their story. I endeavoured to explain to each as much 
 as I could the intentions of the other, and from what I 
 observed afterwards, I think my endeavours were not 
 in vain. 
 
 30. By rising too early, was rather dull and trou- 
 bled with head-ache most of the dav. Before service 
 
426 JOURNAL. [1806 
 
 was still harassed by vain fears about preaching. As 
 pride was at the bottom of this, I found it best to con- 
 sider before God in prayer, how worthless I am ; why 
 should I expect to go without contempt? Suppose 
 God forsook me, and men in consequence scorned and 
 trampled upon me, Who am I that I should dare to 
 complain? O Lord, it becometh not me to be any- 
 where but lying in the dust. Preached on Isaiah Iv. 
 1 — 3, and was assisted as usual, so as to obtain atten- 
 tion ; afterwards read with M'K. some of the homilies. 
 In the afternoon expounded, sung, and prayed below. 
 
 A soldier of the name of B this morning, threw 
 
 himself overboard, as it is supposed. M'K and myself 
 read and prayed together at night, and had much agree- 
 able conversation about Christ, particularly his life upon 
 
 earth, and about the enjoyments of heaven. S 
 
 again came and made several objections to the Scrip- 
 tures, such as might strike a medical man. The poor 
 man does not know how to praise me sufficiently now 
 to the others, because, I suppose, I reason mildly with 
 him about the evil of his ways, while the others take 
 liberties with him, or ridicule him. 
 
 31. The whole morning taken up in opening my 
 boxes of books, and clearing them from insects, which 
 had much damaged them ; some of the insects were of 
 great size. The rest of the day till night, spent exactly 
 as usual, going below to see the sick, and sitting upon 
 the poop for air. Found the presence of God in prayer 
 afterwards, and had clear views of my duty as a minis- 
 ter and missionary, and pleaded fervently for grace to 
 be holy. Read ' Sheridan on Elocution ' with M'K. 
 Afterwards hearing that Hough, one of the men, was 
 dying, I went below, but he was speechless. I was 
 immediately struck w^ith apprehensions that I had neg- 
 lected his soul. Oh, the agonizing misery of being 
 stained with the blood of souls ! 
 
 April 1. The sense of my guilt was still almost 
 overwhelming, but in prayer God spoke peace in a 
 degree to my soul. The man died in the night. The 
 
1806] JOURNAL. 427 
 
 last time I spoke to him, which was the last time I 
 believe that I saw him in his senses, he seemed some- 
 what affected, and began to say how happy it would be 
 to get to heaven ; and after I had been telling him of 
 his sins, he observed that his heart was all in a tremble. 
 I did not consider him in any danger, and therefore 
 thought I should have had many other opportunities of 
 speaking to him. He heard the gospel from me, 
 but God knows whether he understood it to the saving 
 of his soul. I have no doubt but that he died for want 
 of proper nourishment ; all I can get from breakfast 
 and at night I thought it right to give to Beasant, who 
 is still on the borders of the grave from the same cause ; 
 want of proper meat after the weakening effects of his 
 disease. After dinner his body was committed to the deep; 
 every person in the ship attended, I think, crowding round 
 in the boom and rigging. Among the sick, whom I went 
 to afterwards, 1 found but one sensible, to whom I spoke 
 about his soul, with a determination that no blood should 
 lie at my door if I could help it. Employments as 
 usual, writing sermon and learning Hindoostanee. In 
 prayer with M'K. at night, was assisted in my endea- 
 vours after humiliation. Afterwards S came and 
 
 told me more of his mind, said I was a dangerous man 
 in the ship, and wished to head a party, by assembling 
 the soldiers in the orlop contrary to the wishes of 
 Captain O. In walking the quarter-deck to-day I had 
 a dispute with M., whose unreasonable way of talking 
 was very irritating ; and afterwards with the Major. I 
 am very weary with the opposition of men of perverse 
 minds, but I know that God will arise and plead his own 
 cause. 
 
 2. Word was brought to me this morning that Bea- 
 sant had just died. He was crawling upon his hands 
 and knees to his breakfast, when he was taken worse, 
 and died as they were lifting him into his hammock. 
 Thus is my brother gone. He with whom I had con- 
 versed on divine things, and sung and prayed, is en- 
 tered into that glory of which we used to discourse. To 
 
428 JOURNAL. [1806 
 
 his multiplied sorrows upon earth he has bid an ever- 
 lasting adieu ; and why should I care any thing at all 
 about this world ? This is not our rest ; God takes his 
 children one after another, and brings them home. May 
 I follow his faith and patience, till with him I inherit 
 the promises. In the afternoon he was committed 
 to the deep. As Captain F. whom I had observed 
 dejected, told me the cause of his uneasiness, was a fear 
 lest our provisions would not hold out, I thought it a 
 call to make it a subject of stated prayer, that God would 
 not deliver us to the pains of famine. Employed in writ- 
 ing, learning roots, reading Prideaux, and finished Sher- 
 idan's Elocution with M'K. at night. The passengers 
 are full of murmurs, that the tea and wine are all out, 
 but I endeavour to hold aloof. 
 
 3. As the convalescent men get worse for want of 
 fresh meat, I thought it right to be very urgent with the 
 Captain, to allow me to send away my dinner to them, 
 and to eat salt junk instead, and several of the passen- 
 gers agreed to take it by turns to do the same, but the 
 Captain, instead of allowing this, said he would send 
 them a plate of meat himself, whenever there was 
 enough. To-day there was not half enough, and I ate 
 salt junk myself, which produced such an unquenchable 
 thirst all the rest of the evening, that I knew not what 
 to do with myself. How do the poor men bear it every 
 day? My studies the same as usual. M'K. and myself 
 had an agreeable conversation at night about the enjoy- 
 ments of heaven. 
 
 4. (Good Friday.) Passed this day in prayer and 
 fasting. (See Mem. p. 172.) 
 
 5. Through weakness of body could do little. Be- 
 fore breakfast wrote on the same subject, but all the rest 
 of the day was preparing for to-morrow. Among the 
 sick this afternoon foimd one who had taken to his 
 hammock before, whom I endeavoured to awake, but in 
 vain. Soon after going upon deck, I heard that he was 
 dead. Mr. R. from the William, Transport, came 
 on board, and gave us hope of a speedy arrival. 
 
1806] JOURNAL. 429 
 
 6. (Easter Sunday.) From the misery I bring 
 myself into through pride, I was induced to cry to God 
 for heavenly-mindedness, and especially for humility, 
 through which only I can ever enjoy peace. Buried the 
 poor man this morning, and felt more impressed than at 
 any funeral since I have been aboard. Preached on Isaiah 
 Ixiii. 1. No particular attention, but more of the offi- 
 cers were present. I took occasion to speak to Corporal 
 B. Passed the rest of the evening in reading Daniel 
 and the Homilies, and in prayer, though I could find 
 no freedom or comfort in it. In the afternoon collected 
 the singers, read John xiv. w^ith such inward tenderness 
 of soul, that I could scarcely refrain from tears. The 
 small number present, the departure of my dear brother 
 B. and the absence of the two soldiers, from whom I 
 expected better things, filled me with grief; so that I 
 was pressed in spirit to speak with all possible earnest- 
 ness, and to pray with them with fervour. I then went 
 and expostulated as faithfully as I could, with one of 
 those who is, I trust, not yet gone back again unto per- 
 dition : my whole soul for once seemed to be in earnest, 
 and I w^ent about speaking boldly to several of the sail- 
 ors, and could have found it in my heart to preach to 
 them all day long. The boatswain's mate told me 
 many would come and hear me, were it not for shame ; 
 the reason my servant gave me for it was, because the 
 heat was so great below, and they were besides, afraid 
 of getting the fever from the sick. He told me more- 
 over, when I asked him, that he believed the lads among 
 the soldiers did not understand much of what they 
 heard of my sermons. Few things give me more pain 
 than this, as I certainly do not want the power of mak- 
 ing spiritual things plain. I dread lest I should be led 
 away from simple preaching, by incessant attention to 
 language. God save me from this delusion. Had a 
 happy season in prayer in the evening, and found grace 
 to intercede for my sister w^ith tears. At our evening 
 meeting, F. one of the cadets was present ; he has long 
 been serious, but I could never by conversation, be satis- 
 
430 JOURNAL. [1806 
 
 fied with him. M'K. rather reflected on me for not 
 having hinted to him to come in, telling me that it was my 
 duty to go out into the highways and hedges, and com- 
 pel them to come in . We all of us read and prayed ; 
 many things I had heard to humhle me ; but my soul 
 was benefited ; every word I heard, every thought of 
 God was sweet, and carried away my soul to heaven. 
 
 7. Found myself much impressed with what I had 
 been reading in Daniel. Oh that I were withdrawn 
 from the body like that holy man, and enjoyed such 
 visits from God. For one in my situation, it is inexcu- 
 sable not to be a man of prayer, when he, a man engaged 
 in public business, was so heavenly-minded. This being 
 the day I preached my farewell sermon last year, I sat 
 down in the evening and enjoyed many tender recollec- 
 tions of the beloved friends at Cambridge ; many of 
 them perhaps were thinking of me. I did not recollect 
 that it was the first Monday in the month, or I should 
 have joined in supplications for the church. Employed 
 as usual, but with no diligence ; in great shame at 
 night finished the subject I had been writing upon. 
 
 8. Becalmed within a degree of the line. In pro- 
 portion to the languor I felt from the heat, my hopes of 
 living in India declined, and views of death drew nearer. 
 Though I have done nothing yet for Christ, yet what I 
 shall choose I wot not. I have nothing to attract me 
 to this life, and therefore why should I not be refreshed 
 at the thought of death ? Began writing upon another 
 subject and learnt a few roots. Passed the afternoon 
 as usual, in visiting the sick and sitting upon the poop 
 for air. M'K. and myself read and prayed together in 
 the evening. I was sorry to observe that our delays 
 continued to breed more quarrels between the passengers 
 and ship officers, 
 
 9. Rose early, so weak, so languid, that I could do 
 nothing but sit on the poop. Passed the morning in 
 writing and the afternoon in visiting the sick; but the 
 heat was so great below that I could not stay long. 
 However, I bear the heat as well as any in the ship. It 
 
1806] JOURNAL. 431 
 
 is here very sultry, becalmed as we are within a few 
 miles of the line. At night my soul was much dis- 
 tressed at my unfaithfulness and indolence in ministerial 
 duties, and saw the necessity of more earnestness both 
 in labour and prayer, if I would not have more blood- 
 guiltiness upon my soul. O that the Spirit of God may 
 bring these thoughts to my remembrance each day. 
 At the close of each day I feel the awful necessity 
 of more devotion, but at the beginning of the heat go 
 on as before. 
 
 10. Crossed the line this morning in about longi- 
 tude 87^ east. Spent the morning in writing and read- 
 ing ; finished Prideaux's History. After coming up from 
 below, went among the soldiers upon deck, and w^as 
 glad to find that one, of whom I was in doubt, was still 
 in the right way. At night wrote and learnt roots. 
 
 11. By M'K's sitting in my cabin most of this 
 morning, did little but learn roots, and by unwatchful- 
 ness fell into a carnal uncomfortable frame. With some 
 trouble got together two or three of the men to sing, and 
 expounded a chapter to them. On going to visit the sick, 
 I found the surgeon bleeding P., who w^as ill of a brain 
 fever. Soon after he died ; as long as he continued in 
 his senses, I spoke to him about his soul, but could 
 never get any answer to the purpose. In prayer for 
 these last few days I have been tolerably comfortable, 
 but led to seek chiefly a spirit of diligence ; to-night the 
 departure of this soul made me unhappy, lest I should 
 have been chargeable with his destruction. Oh the aw- 
 fulness of the ministry ! how shall I ever be pure from 
 the blood of all men ? I do nothing all the day but in 
 reference to my ministry ; but how do I do it ? Oh my 
 God, there is nought upon earth that I care for, but 
 thee, and thine ; but oh, that my soul were alive to my 
 work and roused to a holy ardour. M'K. prayed at 
 night with me. 
 
 12. Early this morning buried the man. M'K. sat 
 with me the whole morning; but as I determined 
 not to let this circumstance disturb me, I looked up to 
 
432 JOURNAL, [1806 
 
 God, and was enabled to be more diligent tban ordi- 
 narily in writing on a divine subject and learning roots. 
 In the afternoon my time was wholly taken up with a 
 young man, suddenly attacked with some disorder, who 
 was in the greatest alarm about his soul. He said to me 
 and to all around, * Now I know what it is; never again 
 will I live as I have done,* and much more to the same 
 purpose, acknowledging his desert of hell. As I had no 
 reason to doubt his sincerity I continued to speak of 
 the grace of God in the gospel to him. On going away 
 he said he should wish to see me as often as possible. 
 Passed the evening in preparing for to-morrow. 
 
 13. (Sunday.) Preached on Acts xvi. 29 — 31. 
 The subject as usual excited the deepest attention. 
 With M'K. read afterwards Amos and some of the Ho- 
 milies. My own heart after the sermon was averse to 
 prayer ; but in waiting upon God he had mercy upon 
 me, and made me to breathe after holiness and a hea- 
 venly mind and a constant spiritual discharge of my 
 ministry. It poured such torrents of rain for the rest of 
 the day that the tarpaulins were over all the hatches ; 
 but I went down among the sick, and found many, 
 both among the sailors and soldiers. The young man 
 so alarmed yesterday seemed to have lost his concern 
 about his soul, together with his fear of death. Re- 
 tained through the rest of the day some tenderness of 
 spirit, and succeeded in resisting the proneness to trifling 
 conversation with M'K. which we are both so apt to 
 fall into. We passed the evening in reading Scripture 
 and hymns and prayer. 
 
 14. The want of sleep these three last nights, ren- 
 dered me unfit for study to-day. Attempted to write, but 
 in vain. Read Harmer s Observations, and finished the 
 first volume ; was not a little tried by irritability ; but in 
 prayer about the middle of the day, found comfort and 
 tranquillity to my soul. As the sick had been removed for 
 the benefit of the air from the orlop to the gun-deck, I 
 sat among them there on the starboard side of the main- 
 hatchway, and had our service of singing and reading. 
 
1806] JOURNAL. 433 
 
 There were a good many present ; conversed afterwards 
 with a sailor lying in his hammock very ill. Was much 
 teased with the accusations of the captain, the com- 
 mander of the troops, the surgeon, the sick, &c., all of 
 whom complain of, and ahuse one another to me. 
 
 15. This day passed as usual. Employed in writ- 
 ing in the morning, but as M'K. sat with me I did but 
 little. In the afternoon with the sick, and at night 
 read and prayed with M'K. Afterwards came S. and 
 went over the same grounds. Enjoyed in general com- 
 fortable seasons in prayer, and sometimes hope to pre- 
 serve through the day the temper of Jesus Christ. I 
 find that I am again become like the others in anxiety 
 about the end of the voyage. 
 
 16. Writing all the morning with M'K. with me, 
 but very uneasy in my body through indisposition. In 
 the afternoon had a service below on the gun- deck, 
 which was well attended, and visited the sick seamen. 
 Found on my coming up that the captain and two of the 
 cadets had been quarrelling, in consequence of which the 
 former ordered them to be confined to their cabin, and 
 demanded a sentry to be stationed over them by Captain 
 O. I had been a peace-maker in one instance to-day 
 between the captain and a cadet ; but here I did not inter- 
 fere, because I thought they deserved what they suf- 
 fered. Read the Asiatic iVnnual Register with M'K. at 
 night. 
 
 17. In the morning wrote; in the afternoon had 
 service below, which was well attended, but from some 
 cause, chiefly my own carnality, it was dull. The sick 
 men shew no marks of a work of grace. Things wear a 
 very gloomy aspect amongst us, scarcely any are at 
 all concerned about their souls. My own soul too is in 
 a poor state, continually prone to impatience at the 
 length of the voyage, and inordinately anxious for the 
 appearance of land. Yet in prayer God mercifully re- 
 vives and directs me. My stated prayer in the middle 
 of the day over a chapter of Isaiah, for the setting up of 
 Christ's kingdom among the heathen, is very often cold 
 
 •2 F 
 
434 ^ JOURNAL. [1806 
 
 and formal; yet I will, through grace, never to the end 
 of my days give over praying for this blessed event. At 
 night my soul felt miserably oppressed ^yith a sense of 
 my barrenness and deadness. Oh, I am weary of serving 
 God in this manner. Oh, may the Holy Spirit put life 
 and ardour into my soul. 
 
 18. Found rather more liveliness and activity in my 
 mind this day ; finished the subject on which I had been 
 writing, and was able to plead for the accomplishment 
 of God's promise to His Church from the latter chapters 
 of Micah. Especially w^as my heart affected with those 
 words, " He shall stand, and feed in the strength of the 
 Lord, in the Majesty of the name of the Lord his God, 
 and they shall abide : for now shall he be great unto the 
 ends of the earth." Oh the inexpressible glory of one 
 great Shepherd ! wdien shall he be great unto the ends of 
 the earth ! In my walk upon deck endeavoured as my 
 mind was in frame, to meditate on the words, '* How 
 beautiful on the mountains," &c. The service in the 
 afternoon was well attended by the seamen, and one of 
 the sick seamen began to discover something of a gra- 
 cious spirit. 
 
 19. After a sleepless night, rose early and saw the 
 island of Ceylon, bearing west three or four leagues ; it 
 presented a long range of hills running north and south, 
 broken in a picturesque manner, but not lofty, and the 
 low land between the hills and the sea was covered wdth 
 trees. After being ten weeks at sea, it was very agree- 
 able to see the never-varying horizon interrupted by 
 dark land ; and so long had we been used to the clear 
 breezes of the ocean, that we immediately detected the 
 effluvia of rank vegetation. The smell from the land 
 w^as exceedingly fragrant, and I felt my senses quite 
 soothed by it ; I sat on the poop following a long train 
 of pleasing thoughts, about the blissful period wdien the 
 native Cingalese should rear temples to Jesus, in their 
 cinnamon 2:roves. The dav was afterwards excessively 
 hot, while we lay becalmed. I was at first giving w^ay 
 to anxiety lest I should not be able to bear it long, 
 
1806] JOURNAL. 435 
 
 especially as the distressing sensation of shortness of 
 breath still continues ; but 1 was soon composed by con- 
 sidering, that, come what will, it shall be best for me ; 
 if I die, I die to be happy — if I live, I shall live to 
 glorify God. Sweet necessity. 
 
 All must come, and last, and end, 
 As shall please my heavenly Friend. 
 
 In the evening, a breeze springing up carried us out of 
 sight of land. The man in whom I observed some signs of 
 grace yesterday died suddenly tliis morning. The surgeon 
 finding him as he said, sulky, came to me to beg me 
 to persuade him to take what was necessary ; I w^ent to 
 him, but he was speechless, yet not supposed in danger. 
 At sunset I buried him. Employed, as far as my sleepi- 
 ness w^ould permit me, in preparing for to-morrow. 
 
 20. (Sunday.) Rose much refreshed through the 
 mercy of my God. Preached on Rev. xxii. 17. a fare- 
 well sermon, &c. (See Memoir, p. 173.) My soul was 
 blessed with much of the presence of God in secret. 
 Zeph. iii. was very sweet by its assurances of God's ten- 
 der love. I continued in a happy spiritual state with 
 M'lS-. at night ; and w^e read several portions of scrip- 
 ture wdth edification, and increase, I hope, of mutual 
 love ; but S. coming in, and leading me into a stile of 
 conversation different, though all along about religion, 
 I lost much of the clear views of eternity I had en- 
 joyed. Poor S. is evidently under convictions ; was much 
 shocked when I told him in answer to his questions, 
 that, if he died in his present state, he would perish. He 
 w^anted much to know what I would have him to do, and 
 promised on his arrival in India he would do it. He 
 said I ought not to have thought no good had been 
 done in the ship, for that I had made him think, and 
 that he and B. had been brought to believe that a re- 
 ligious character was an amiable one. 
 
 21. On coming on deck to-day, my eyes were gra- 
 tified with a sight of India. We were just opposite 
 Tranquebar, about eight or ten miles distant, and in the 
 course of the day, passed Cuddalore, Pondicherry, &c. 
 
 2 F 2 
 
436 JOURNAL. [1806 
 
 Employed in preparations for going ashore. The poor 
 soldier of whom I hoped very well, died very unex- 
 pectedly this morning, and was buried in the afternoon. 
 I was full of thought most of the day about India, and 
 my future residence in those plains which I saw. The 
 land was low all along except Pondicherry, I think. 
 Feeling myself very unwell, I was reminded of my no 
 long continuance in this world. This thought is pre- 
 cious, and serves to check the carnal eagerness, with 
 which I am apt to wash for a stay on earth to accom- 
 plish my objects. 
 
 22. (See Memoir, p. 174.) 
 
 23. The constant presence of servants, and all the 
 rooms opening into one another, left me no place for 
 prayer all day till night. However, the Lord did not 
 forsake me, for in my walk among the cocoa-nut trees 
 that surrounded the house, 1 found access to him asw^ell 
 as in secret ejaculations. Employed myself chiefly in 
 transcribing a sermon. Mr. O. called with me in his 
 bands, at Dr. K.'s, who was not at home, and the other 
 clergyman Mr. V. On Romans viii. I had solemn re- 
 flections at night, and found my soul much restored,. 
 
 24. Breakfasted with Mr. V. at Vepery, and w^ent 
 with him afterwards to Dr. K. with whom I spent the 
 remainder of the day. I found him a most afl'ectionate, 
 and in most respects, a serious man. He gave me a 
 vast deal of information about all the chaplains and 
 missionaries in the country, which he promised to put 
 in writing for me. Shewed me his schools and institu- 
 tion of 300 caste people employed in printing, engraving, 
 &c. Considering the little retirement I had this day, 
 my soul was tolerably spiritual and comfortable. Early 
 in the morning I found the solemn presence of God 
 communicated to me, while meditating on my future 
 w^ork, and the probable shortness of life. How com- 
 fortable to lean on the arm of the Beloved, and to be 
 indifl^erent about life or death. Dr. K. communicated 
 several particulars about Swartzand Gericke, wdth w^hom 
 he w^as well acquainted. Felt excessively delighted with 
 
1806] JOURNAL. 437 
 
 accounts of a very late date from Bengal, describing the 
 labours of the missionaries, and was rather agitated at 
 the confusion of interesting thoughts that crowded upon 
 me, but I reasoned, Why thus ? God may never honour 
 you with a missionary commission, you must expect to 
 leave the field, and bid adieu to the w^orld and all its 
 concerns. Dismissed my old servant, Narayen, to-day, 
 and took another, Samees, because he could speak 
 Hindoostanee. Had a good deal of conversation with a 
 Rajpoot about religion, and told him of the gospel. 
 
 25. Rose early, but could not enjoy morning medi- 
 tations in my walk, as the young men would attach 
 themselves to me. Passed the day at Dr. K.'s. At 
 breakfast met Mr. L. the missionary ; my mind uneasy 
 for want of more retirement. Succeeded a little in 
 getting my mind above the world, by prayer in passing 
 to and fro in the palanquin. With Mr. T. I had along 
 and regular conversation respecting the doctrines of the 
 gospel, duties of a minister, &c. In a few days he goes 
 to Seringapatam to be stationed as a chaplain, and I am 
 by no means without hope that his heart is under divine 
 influences, and that he wall devote himself to the work 
 of preaching to the natives ; at dinner w^e met Mr. 
 Torriano, and his two sons ; the old man is a remark- 
 able character, and a sterling saint. Our conversation 
 together for some hours after dinner was profitable and 
 religious, and I walked back to Mr. O. at night, much 
 pleased with the manner in which the latter part of the 
 day had been spent ; but I cannot be happy without 
 being more alone. 
 
 26. Most of the day harassed by interruptions from 
 several morning calls, &c. so that I had little or no time 
 left for preparation for to-morrow's subject. Towards 
 night, I w-alked out with Samees in a pensive and me- 
 lancholy mood. (See Memoir, p. 175.) 
 
 27. (Sunday.) Enjoyed some solemn moments 
 this morning. This is my first Sabbath in India. May 
 all the time I pass in it, be a Sabbath of heavenly rest, 
 and blessedness to my soul. Went to Mr. V.'s in a 
 
438 JOURNAL. [1806 
 
 palanquin, and after breakfast, proceed in his bandy to 
 the church at Fort St. George. I assisted Mr. V. in 
 part of the service, and preached on Luke x. 41, 42. 
 There was much attention, and Lord William sent to 
 Dr. Kerr, afterwards to request a copy of the sermon ; 
 but I believe it w^as generally thought too severe. After 
 dinner, went to Blacktown. (See Memoir, p. 176.) 
 With young Torriano, I had some conversation respect- 
 ing his entering the ministry, as • he spoke the Malabar 
 tongue fluently. Walked home at night enjoying the 
 presence of God. 
 
 28. This morning at breakfast. Sir E. P. came in 
 and said : * Upon my word, Mr. Marty n, you gave us a 
 good trimming yesterday.' As this was before a large 
 company, and I was taken by surprise, I knew not what 
 to say. Passed most of the day in transcribing the ser- 
 mon. There was nothing very awakening in it. About 
 five in the evening, I walked to Dr. K.'s, and found my 
 way across the fields, which much resembled those near 
 Cambridge ; I stopped some time to take a view of the 
 men drawing toddy from the tree, and their manner of 
 ploughing. Had much conversation with Dr. K. &c. 
 (See Memoir, p. 176.) 
 
 29. Spent the day at Mr. Torriano's, whose house 
 is two miles farther in the country ; Dr. Kerr, Loveless, 
 and young Torriano, passed much of the morning in 
 conversation with me. I continued transcribing the ser- 
 mon. The hot land winds set in to-day, but I did 
 not feel oppressed by the heat, which was owing partly 
 to my being washed with water by two servants. 
 The thermometer was near 100^. In prayer alone, my 
 soul found access to God, who, notwithstanding my 
 great hindrance for want of a place of retirement, 
 and my carelessness in seeking him by ejaculations, 
 mercifully draws nigh to me. In a walk with the two 
 young Torrianos, was much comforted and refreshed 
 by conversation. 
 
 30. Breakfasted at Sir E P s, with Cap- 
 tain S. Cole of the Culloden. I had a good deal of con- 
 
1806] JOURNAL. 439 
 
 versation about our friends at St. Hilary and Marazion. 
 Continued at home the rest of the day transcribing ser- 
 mon, and reading Zechariah. In the evening drove with 
 Dr. Kerr to Mr. Faulkner's, the Persian translator, five 
 or six miles in the country. We had some useful con- 
 versation about the languages. On my return, walked 
 by moonlight in the grounds, &c. (See Memoir, p. 176.) 
 May 1. Breakfasted at Mr. H.'s at Vepery. The 
 rest of the morning passed in making calls on Mr. V. 
 Dr. Kerr, and the purser ; the only retirement I can get 
 is while I am in the palanquin, and there the Lord helps 
 me to approach him for a while in reflection and prayer, 
 but my spirit suffers for want of regularity in secret 
 duties. Walked home alone from Dr. Kerr's, where I 
 dined, and had a good deal of conversation with Mr. 
 and Mrs. O. about religion. 
 
 2. Passed the whole day at Dr. Kerr's, collecting all 
 the information I could about the ecclesiastical state of 
 India, which I committed to paper. Young Torriano 
 and Mr. Loveless w^ere there, and by conversation at our 
 meals on the future happiness of the church, much en- 
 livened my heart. Cecil dined with us ; in our walk 
 home I repeated my usual advice to him. My friends 
 expressed much regret and affection at parting with me. 
 For myself I seem incapable of a lively sensation of any 
 kind. 
 
 3. After passing half the day to little purpose I at 
 last got every thing ready, and took my leave of Mr. 
 O's. family. Ram Sing the Rajpoot seemed really 
 very sorry. Waited a long time at the Purser's. At 
 length, however, I got all my things into a boat. Sa- 
 mees, my boy, resolved to go to the ship with me, but 
 was so much frightened at the surf, as they were push- 
 ing the boat to meet it, that he ran away and I saw no 
 more of him. I was much surprised and pleased at see- 
 ing the dexterity of two men near us in a catamaran, 
 which is nothing more than beams of eight feet long and 
 half foot in diameter, lashed together in the simplest 
 manner. When they came to the breakers, which 
 
440 JOURNAL. [1806 
 
 raised their little bark so as almost to stand on an end, 
 they rose up and kept themselves perpendicular, and in- 
 stantly sat down as they passed it, having glided over the 
 roaring surge with all the ease and gracefulness of a 
 Marine animal. Got safely on board about sunset. 
 
 4. (Sunday.) The ship so taken up with communi- 
 cations with the shore, and preparations for sailing, 
 that there was no service. As we did not sail, I felt 
 sorry that I had not remained on shore to preach, as I 
 had engaged in the morning at the fort — in the after- 
 noon at the Black town. Though lying in sight of the 
 churches, I did not dare to go ashore. I passed my 
 time in reading Scripture and prayer ; my mind was 
 very low, ever sinking in deep waters, and I wanted 
 power from on high to support my faith ; I was through- 
 out the day wavering ; sometimes enabled to rejoice in 
 the Lord, or at least to cast all my care upon him. At 
 other times despairing of the conversion of the 
 heathen, or of my being ever fitted for it. M'K. sat 
 with me in the evening. 
 
 5. More comfort and peace this morning, and saw 
 there was nothing for me to attend to but my duty. 
 Busied in packing-up. This morning w^e went to sea un- 
 der convoy of the Victor sloop of w^ar. Passed the after- 
 noon among the sick seamen, and found it an interest- 
 ing season. 
 
 6. Rose in the deepest melancholy ; I seemed left 
 without a motion, overcome by the relaxing powder of 
 the climate. I looked forward to an idle, worthless life 
 spent in India to no purpose — exertion seemed like 
 death ; indeed absolutely impossible, and this filled my 
 soul with an awful sense of guilt ; but it pleased God af- 
 terw^ards in prayer to afford me some deliverance, by 
 enabling me to exercise faith, that though it went so 
 badly with me now, it should bye and bye be otherwise. 
 The recollection too that I was a sinner saved, and 
 therefore bound to the most fervent gratitude, was of 
 use in stirring me considerably. By reading some of 
 the reports of the Society for Missions to Africa and the 
 
1806] JOURNAL. 441 
 
 East, I again felt much refreshed, as I saw that the 
 people of God over the world are much interested in the 
 blessed work. I still endeavour to hold more constant 
 fellowship with my dear brethren, as it compensates for 
 the want of their society and encouragement. All the 
 rest of the day every thing went well with my soul. 
 Some parts of the Prophet Malachi were made delight- 
 ful and profitable to me. Oh ! his name shall be great 
 among the heathen, in every place they shall offer in- 
 cense to his name, and a pure offering. My heart 
 expands throiigh the world and realises the joyful day. 
 God takes away the veil from my heart, and I see the 
 veil removing from off the face of the whole earth. 
 O come. Lord Jesus ! make no long tarrying, O my God. 
 
 7. Very cheerful the whole day, enjoying the pre- 
 sence of God, and happy in being employed in his 
 service. Employed in transcribing sermon and learning 
 Bengalee. Passed the afternoon on the poop reading 
 Sale's Al Goran. Being abreast of Vizagapatam at 
 noon, I did not forget to pray for the young Missiona- 
 ries there. 
 
 8. Rose unwell, yet cheerful ; whether life or death 
 awaits me, it shall be well with my pardoned soul. By 
 trifling conversation and great unwatch fulness over my 
 own heart, I lost much of the Divine presence. What 
 detestable folly and ingratitude is it to forget God, and 
 lend an ear to vanity. In prayer in the evening, it was 
 with difficulty I could bring myself to due seriousness. 
 With M'K. at night, read Hebrews and some of D. 
 Brainerd's Letters, by which we were both much affected. 
 Blessed be the memory of that holy man ! I feel happy 
 that I shall have his book with me in India, and thus 
 enjoy in a manner the benefit of his company and ex- 
 ample. The famous pagoda of Juggernaut came in 
 sight this afternoon, much resembling in appearance 
 Roche Rock in Cornwall ; it was a large pile of build- 
 ing, made very visible, by being surrounded with the yel- 
 low sand close to the sea ; it was dark so as to resemble 
 a rock. This is emblematical of its use, as beine 
 
442 JOURNAL. [1806 
 
 employed for the worship of the spirits of darkness. 
 Poor India erected a monument of her shame by this 
 huge building on the coast. Here is heathenism staring 
 the stranger in the face on his arrival off the land. The 
 scene presented another specimen of that tremendous 
 gloom, with which the devil has over-spread the land ; 
 no house near it ; we conceived no noise to be heard 
 along the bare coast, but the hollow roar of the surf. 
 
 9. Several pilot vessels appearing in sight to-day 
 from Balasare roads, each ship of us took a pilot on 
 board, and all made the best of the way to Calcutta. 
 At night we were overtaken by that tremendous hurri- 
 can, the north wester. It appeared dark in that direction 
 the whole afternoon, and as night drew on the distant 
 lightning became visible, incessantly flashing through 
 half the hemisphere. After a few drops of rain the 
 squall reached us, and in an instant tore every sail to 
 bits. All was uproar in the ship ; the noise was so 
 great from the flapping of the sails, the rushing of the 
 wind through the rigging, and the continued roll of 
 thunder, that the voices of the pilot, captain, and offi- 
 cers to the man of the helm, were scarcely audible. 
 All they could do was to let her run before it, the con- 
 sequence of which would have been, that had we been 
 further on our way we should have grounded on some 
 sand banks, two or three of which run out of the mouth 
 of the Hoogly, passing N. and S. The incessant light- 
 ning made the dreadful scene constantly visible. When 
 nature began to shrink at approaching dissolution, I was 
 much reconciled to it, by considering, what have I here ? 
 Why should I wish to live ? Is it not better to go and 
 be with Jesus, and be free from my body of sin and 
 death ? But for the sake of the poor unconverted souls 
 in the ship, I prayed earnestly for her preservation. 
 From being a little in the sun to-day, I got a violent 
 headache which prevented me from sleeping at night. 
 It is in these climates that the curse of God upon the 
 creation for man's sin is most visible ; the sun formed to 
 be the light and comfort of the creation, is here a 
 
1806] JOURNAL. 443 
 
 dreadful enemy. I feel as much dread of being ex- 
 posed to its rays after it has been up two or three hours 
 as I would of pushing my head into a hot fire ; the 
 pleasant weather here is cloudy weather. 
 
 10. Continued at anchor out of sight of land, and 
 it was afternoon before new sails could be bent. After 
 sailing a little way we brought up again. Still out of 
 sight of land. My headach and fever much increased 
 to-day, so that I could do nothing but sit in the air. 
 In prayer in the evening, God manifested himself in 
 great love to my soul. In communion with the blessed 
 Lord I felt very happy and joyful, without a wish or 
 care for this miserable world. Went to bed early in 
 order to remove the ague by a sudorific. Thunder and 
 lightning the w^hole night. 
 
 1 1 . (Sunday.) Rose a little better ; instead of hav- 
 ing Divine service, we were obliged to be all hands at 
 the capstern ; we proceeded but a little and came to 
 anchor off Saugur Island. In the morning M'K. and 
 myself had prayers and reading in my cabin, and at 
 night Franklin joined us in what I expected was my 
 farewell prayer. • I was very far from feeling suitable sen- 
 sations, and though free in words had no humble spiri- 
 tual breathing after God ; and what grieved me no less 
 was to observe the deadness of my dear brothers, and how 
 readily they turned to common subjects of conversation. 
 Oh what a poor wTetch I am ! nothing however awful 
 and powerful is sufficient to keep me in a right frame, 
 and the Spirit of God I am slow and unbelieving in 
 crying for. 
 
 12. Got under weigh again; entered the Hoogly and 
 came to anchor a little above Culper. The flat shores 
 on either side were covered with low wood, and I never 
 saw land near sea, present a less interesting appearance. 
 I felt the same surprise as I have often done elsewhere 
 at the solitude and apparent desertion of a place much 
 spoken of. In North Wales I was often struck with 
 the want of life and motion at very celebrated places. 
 So here I thought to have seen whole fleets of ships. 
 
444 JOURNAL. [1806 
 
 vast numbers of natives on the shores, and appearances 
 of cultivation, but there was nothing of the sort. A 
 village indeed was seen running in an easterly direction 
 from the shore into the interior, consisting we heard of 
 no less than 10,000 houses ; but there seemed to be no- 
 thing doing. Five or six miserable people only were 
 seen cutting down the jungle for fire-wood. My soul was 
 revived to-day through God's never-ceasing compassion, 
 so that I found the refreshing presence of God in secret 
 duties ; especially was I most abundantly encouraged by 
 reading D. Brainerd's account of the difficulties attend- 
 ing a mission to the heathen. Oh, blessed be the 
 memory of that beloved saint ; no uninspired writer 
 ever did me so much good. I felt most sweetly joyful to 
 labour amongst the poor natives here; and my willing- 
 ness was, I think, more divested of those romantic notions, 
 which have sometimes inflated me with false spirits. 
 
 13. Weighed this morning ; but there being no w^ind, 
 came to anchor again. Afterwards we got under weigh, 
 passed through Diamond harbour, and struck upon the 
 fatal James and Mary, a sand bank just above it. It 
 was a very dangerous and awful situation, and was so 
 felt by every person, for night came on while we were in 
 this state, and the wind was never-ceasing on that side 
 which was uppermost. The captain considered the 
 vessel as lost. Retired as soon as possible for prayer, 
 and found my soul in peace at the prospect of death. 
 After lying in this state for about two hours, we found 
 to our great joy that she was going off; presently we 
 were in deep water and put out an anchor immediately. 
 M'K., Franklin and myself met in my cabin, and there 
 we praised our God for this great deliverance. My 
 heart was much enlarged in prayer with them. How 
 sweet and happy are those seasons when I am stirred up 
 to the duty of praise. Oh, why am I so slow to the 
 performance of it, when I have such constant occasion 
 and never fail to receive benefit from it. The Diana, 
 East Indiaman, got aground very near us just after we 
 did, and is not off yet. 
 
1806] JOURNAL. 445 
 
 14. Weighed, and got as far as Miampore, about 
 twenty-five miles from Calcutta, and there we anchored 
 again. Employed chiefly in writing to Mr. Simeon and 
 E. The villages on either side present a most perfect 
 picture of moral tranquillity, but there is a want of 
 variety. I now want nothing but to be settled among 
 the poor people. 
 
 15. This morning went on board the Charlotte, 
 Yacht, which took our treasure to town, in hopes of 
 getting to Calcutta in a few hours, but from want of 
 wind, did not reach it till ten at night. Had a good 
 deal of conversation by the way with the captain upon 
 religion ; my own frame was low and spiritless in mind, 
 from want of retirement ; in hody, from something of 
 fever. The approach to Calcutta, particularly about 
 Garden Reach, where we lay several hours, is very 
 beautiful. The rich verdure and variety of the trees, 
 and the elegant mansions which they partly hide, con- 
 spire to render the same highly agreeable to the eye, but 
 the thought of the diabolical heathenism, amidst these 
 beauties of nature, takes away almost all the pleasure I 
 should otherwise experience. 
 
 16. Went ashore at day-light this morning, and 
 w^ith some difficulty found Carey : Messrs. Brown and 
 Buchanan being both absent from Calcutta. With him 
 I breakfasted, joined with him in worship, which was in 
 Bengalee, for the advantage of a few servants, who sat 
 however perfectly unmoved. I could not help contrast- 
 ing them with the slaves and Hottentots at Cape Town, 
 whose hearts seemed to burn within them. After break- 
 fast Carey began to translate with a Pundit, from a 
 Sanscrit manuscript. Presently after Dr. Taylor came 
 in. I had engaged a boat to go to Serampore, when a 
 letter from Mr. Brown found me out, and directed me 
 to his house in the town, where I spent the rest of the 
 day in solitude, and more comfortably and profitably 
 than any time past. I enjoyed several solemn seasons 
 in prayer, and more lively impressions from God's word. 
 I felt elevated above those distressing fears and distrac- 
 
446 JOURNAL. [1806 
 
 tions, which pride and woiidliness engender in the mind. 
 Employed at times in writing to Mr. Simeon. Mr. 
 Brown's moonshee, a Brahmin of the name of B. 
 Roy came in and disputed with me two hours ahout the 
 gospel. I was really surprised at him ; he spoke En- 
 glish very well, and possessed more acuteness, good 
 sense, moderation, and acquaintance with the Scriptures, 
 than I could conceive to he found in an Indian. He 
 spoke with uncommon energy and eloquence, intending 
 to show that Christianity and Hindooism did not mate- 
 rially differ. He asked me to explain my system, and 
 adduce the proofs of it from the Bible, which he said he 
 believed was the word of God. When I asked him 
 about his idolatry, he asked in turn, v;hat I had to say 
 to our worshipping Christ. This led to inquiries about 
 the Trinity, which, after hearing what I had to say, he 
 observed was actually the Hindoo notion. I explained 
 several things about the Jews and the Old Testament, 
 about which he wanted information, with all which he 
 was amazingly pleased. I feel much encouraged by this to 
 go to instruct them. I see that they are a religious 
 people, as St. Paul called the Athenians, and my heart 
 almost springs at the thought, that the time is ripening 
 for the fulness of the gentiles to come in. 
 
 17. A day more unprofitable than the foregoing; 
 the depravity of my heart, as it is in its natural frame, 
 appeared to me to-day almost unconquerable. I could 
 not, however long in prayer, keep the presence of God, 
 or the power of the world to come, in my mind at all. 
 It sunk down to its most lukewarm state, and continued 
 in general so, in spite of my endeavours. Oh how I 
 need a deep heart-rending work of the Spirit upon my 
 self, before I shall save myself, or them that hear me. 
 What I hear about my future destination has proved a 
 trial to me to-day. My dear brethren, Brown and Bu- 
 chanan, wish to keep me here, as I expected, and the 
 Governor accedes to their wishes. I have a great many 
 reasons for not liking this ; I almost think that to be 
 prevented going among the heathen as a missionary. 
 
1806] JOURNAL. 447 
 
 would break my heart. Whether it be self-will or aught 
 else, I cannot yet rightly ascertain. At all events, I 
 must learn submission to every thing. In the multitude 
 of my thoughts, thy comforts delight my soul. I have 
 been running the hurried round of thought without 
 God. I have forgotten that he ordereth every thing. I 
 have been bearing the burden of my cares m5^self, instead 
 of casting them all upon him. Mr. B. came in to-day 
 from Serampore, and gave me directions how to pro- 
 ceed ; continued at home writing to E. In the after- 
 noon went on board, but without being able to get my 
 things away. Much of the rest of the day passed in 
 conversation with Mr. Brown. I feel pressed in spirit 
 to do something for God. Every body is diligent, but 
 I am idle ; all employed in their proper work, but I 
 tossed in uncertainty ; I want nothing but grace ; I 
 want to be perfectly holy, and to save myself and those 
 that hear me. I have hitherto lived to little purpose, 
 more like a clod than a servant of God ; now^let me burn 
 out for God. 
 
 18. So unwell with a cold and sore throat, that 
 Mr. B. did not tliink it right for me to preach. Went 
 with him at ten in the morning to the new church, Mr. 
 Jefferies read one part, Mr. Limerick another of the 
 service, and Mr. Brown preached on Isaiah Iv. 8 — 11, 
 giving a summary of Christian doctrine. On our way 
 back we called on a pious family, when we had some 
 agreeable and religious conversation ; but their wish to 
 keep me from the work of the mission, and retain me at 
 Calcutta, was carried farther than mere civility, and 
 showed an extraordinarv unconcern for the souls of the 
 poor heathens. At eight in the evening went to the 
 old or missionary church, where I ventured to read the 
 service; Mr. B. preached on, " Behold the Lamb of 
 God, that taketh," &c. I was very agreeably surprised 
 at the number, attention, and apparent liveliness of the 
 audience, and I may safely say, that most of the young 
 ministers that I know, would rejoice to come from 
 England, if they knew how attractive every circumstance 
 
448 JOURNAL. [1806 
 
 is respecting the church. Stayed in the vestry some 
 time after, conversing with Mr. Burney ; had reason to 
 lament great want of modesty and spirituality after- 
 wards. Began the day with strong desires, that God would 
 exert his power and make me holy. My soul groaned 
 out of its corruptions, and I trusted that this day I should 
 for once he free from those vanities, which I knew too 
 well would without great caution enslave my heart ; hut 
 it was not so, and towards night I was almost discou- 
 raged in my struggles after a holy mind. Yet upon the 
 whole, no discovery of corruption is very distressing, 
 while God supports the hope of improvement, and makes 
 me pant earnestly for it. 
 
 19. As I was this day to be presented at the levee of 
 the Governor General, I had need of much prayer, 
 that my mind might not be run away with again 
 by new vanities, and I was helped accordingly, for the 
 Lord show^ed me the extreme folly and emptiness of all 
 earthly splendour. After waiting a considerable time in 
 a crowed of military men, an aid-de-camp presented me 
 to Sir J. Barlowe, who, after one or two trifling ques- 
 tions, passed on. We went from the Governor's house 
 to the college, where we were shown Tippoo's library. 
 One of the learned natives read us a passage in the 
 Koran, or rather sung or chanted it. At the end of a 
 sentence, in order to preserve the time of an equal 
 length with that of the preceding, he drawled out the last 
 syllable with a long and strong nasal sound, like one of 
 the pipes of an organ after the tune is finished. We 
 then got into a boat, and the stream in an hour and half 
 helped us up to Serampore, to Mr. Brown's house. la 
 the cool of the evening we walked to the mission-house, 
 a few hundred yards ofl*, and I at last saw the place 
 about which I have so long read with pleasure ; I was 
 introduced to all the missionaries. We sat down about 
 one hundred and fifty to tea, at several long tables in an 
 immense room. After this there was evenino^ service 
 in another room adjoining, by Mr. Ward. Mr. Mau- 
 liman then delivered his lecture on Grammar. As his 
 
1806] JOURNAL. 449 
 
 observations were chiefly confined to the Greek, and 
 seemed intended for the young missionaries, I was rather 
 disappointed, having expected to hear something about 
 the oriental languages. With Mr. M. alone, I had much 
 con\Trsation, and received the first encouragement to be 
 a missionary, that I have met with since I came to this 
 country. I blessed God in my heart for this seasonable 
 supply of refreshment. Finding my sore throat and 
 cough much increased, I thought there might be some 
 danger, and felt rather low at the prospect of death. I 
 could scarcely tell why. The constant uneasiness I am 
 in from the bites of the musquitoes, made me rather 
 fretful also. My habitation assigned me by Mr. B. is a 
 pagoda in his grounds, on the edge of the river. Thither 
 I retired at night, and really felt something like super- 
 stitious dread, at being in a place once inhabited as it 
 were by devils, but yet felt disposed to be triumphantly 
 joyful, that the temple where they were worshipped, was 
 become Christ's oratory. I prayed out aloud to my 
 God, and the echoes returned from the vaulted roof. 
 Oh may I so pray, that the dome of heaven may re- 
 sound. I like my dwelling much, it is so retired and 
 free from noise ; it has so many recesses and cells that 
 I can hardly find my way in and out. 
 
 20. Employed in preparing a sermon for to-morrow, 
 and while walking about for this purpose, my body and 
 mind active, my melancholy was a little relieved by the 
 hope that I should not be entirely useless as a missionary. 
 In the evening I walked with Mr. Brown, to see the 
 evening worship at a pagoda whither they say the god 
 who inhabited my pagoda retired some years ago. As 
 we walked through the dark wood which everywhere 
 covers the country, the cymbals and drums struck up, 
 and never did sounds go through my heart with such 
 horror in my life. The pagoda was in a court, sur- 
 rounded by a wall, and the way up to it was by a flight 
 of steps on each side. The people to the number of 
 about fifty were standing on the outside, and playing the 
 instruments. In the centre of the building was the idol, 
 
 2 G 
 
450 JOURNAL. [1806 
 
 a little ugly black image, about two feet high, with a 
 few lights burning round him. At intervals they pros- 
 trated themselves, with their foreheads to the earth. I 
 shivered at being in the neighbourhood of hell ; my 
 heart was ready to burst at the dreadful state to which 
 the Devil had brought my poor fellow-creatures. I would 
 have given the world to have known the language, to 
 have preached to them. At this moment Mr. Marshman 
 arrived, and my soul exulted that the truth would now 
 be made known ; he addressed the Brahmins with a 
 few questions about the god ; they seemed to be all 
 agreed with Mr. M. and quite ashamed at being interro- 
 gated, when they knew they could give no answer. 
 They were at least mute, and would not reply ; and when 
 he continued speaking they struck up again with their 
 detestable music, and so silenced him. We walked 
 away in sorrow, but the scene we had witnessed gave 
 rise to a very profitable conversation, which lasted some 
 hours. Marshman in conversation with me alone 
 sketched out what he thought would be the most useful 
 plan for me to pursue in India ; which would be to stay 
 in Calcutta a year to learn the language, and when I 
 went up the country to take one or two native brethren 
 with me, to send them forth, and preach occasionally 
 only to confirm their word, to establish schools, and 
 visit them. He said I should do far more good in the 
 way of influence, than merely by actual preaching. 
 After all, whatever God may appoint, prayer is the 
 great thing. Oh that I may be a man of prayer ; my 
 spirit still struggles for deliverance from all my cor- 
 ruptions. 
 
 21. Went down to Calcutta, and preached at night 
 in the Old Church, on 1 Cor. i. 1 — 3. to a moderatelv 
 large congregation. M'K. came home with me, and 
 grieved me by many inconsistencies in his temper and 
 conversation. 
 
 22. In prayer this morning my soul found the 
 blessed God revealing himself in comfort to my soul. I 
 have for many days, in a way, been going on frowardly 
 
1806] JOURNAL, 451 
 
 in the ways of my heart, finding little pleasure in God, 
 and less in any thing else ; but the Lord hath led me, 
 and restored comfort to me. Went up to Seram- 
 pore to dinner. In the afternoon was solemnized in 
 prayer ; but as usual, lost much peace by unwatchful- 
 ness. In our walk at sunset, met Mr. Marshman, with 
 whom I continued talking about the languages. Telling 
 Mr. Brown about my Cambridge honours, I found my 
 pride stirred, and bitterly repented having said anything 
 about it. Surely the increase of humility need not be 
 neglected w^hen silence may do it. 
 
 23. Was in general in a spiritual happy frame the 
 whole day, which I cannot but ascribe to my being more 
 diligent and frequent in prayer over the Scriptures, so 
 that it is the neglect of this duty that keeps my soul so 
 low. Began the Bengalee grammar, and got on con- 
 siderably. Continued my letters to Mr. Simeon and E. 
 At night we attended a conference of the missionaries on 
 this subject, " Whether God could save sinners without 
 the death of Christ." Messrs. Carey, Marshman, and 
 Ward spoke, Mr. Brown and myself. I offered what 
 might be said on the opposite side of the question to 
 that which the rest took ; to shew that he might have 
 saved them without Christ. About fourteen of the Ben- 
 galee brethren were present and spoke on the subject. 
 Ram Roteen prayed. 
 
 23. Not so regular in duties, and of course not so 
 comfortable in mind. Went down to Calcutta and spent 
 most of the day in preparing for to-morrow, and learn- 
 ing Hindostanee roots. 
 
 24. (Sunday.) In the morning my heart was to- 
 lerably spiritual ; I felt withdrawn from the world, and 
 found pleasure in being alone with the blessed God. 
 Oh w^hat heavenly-mindedness might I enjoy by more 
 communion with God. In the evening at the Old 
 Church I preached on 1 Tim. i. 15. The subject as 
 usual gained much attention, but my own soul had little 
 enjoyment. 
 
 26. Writing letters in the morning ; in the evening 
 
 2 G 2 
 
452 JOURNAL. [1806 
 
 went up to Serampore with Mr. Brown, with whom I 
 had much enlivening conversation. Why cannot I be 
 like Fletcher and Brainerd, and those men of modern 
 times ? Is any thing too hard for the Lord ? Cannot 
 my stupid stony heart be made to flame with love and 
 zeal ? What is it that bewitches me, that I live such a 
 dying life ? my soul groans under its bondage. In the 
 evening Marshman called ; I walked back with him and 
 was not a little offended at his speaking against the use 
 of a liturgy. I returned full of grief at the ofl*ences which 
 arise amongst men, and determined to be more alone 
 with the blessed God- 
 
 27. Employed all day in writing letters ; frequently 
 in prayer, but unable to maintain a spiritual frame any 
 time together. Mr. B. sent me a note from his house to 
 the pagoda, so kind and humble that I felt quite over- 
 whelmed and grieved, that my real character should 
 not be better known and less thought of. 
 
 28. In secret duties found myself somewhat more 
 moved, but could not preserve a right spirit ; writing 
 letters all day, and felt quite impatient at being kept 
 from the language. In the evening officiated at the 
 family worship, Mr. B. being at Calcutta ; I had 
 conversation on religion with a young lady in the 
 house, -m 
 
 29. Throughout this day frequent and regular in 
 praying over the Scripture for an increase of grace 
 without feeling much comfort or benefit ; but at night 
 my soul began to be drawn up to the things of another 
 world. In conversation at night with Mr. Brown and 
 Marshman I was enabled to retire at once into my 
 spirit when the conversation became at all unprofitable. 
 Had some conversation with Marshman alone on the 
 prospects of the gospel in this country, and the state of 
 religion in our hearts, for which I felt more anxious. 
 Notwithstanding I endeavoured to guard against prating 
 only to display my experience ; I found myself somewhat 
 ruffled by the conversation, and derived no benefit from 
 it, but felt desirous only to get away from the world, and 
 
1806] JOURNAL. 453 
 
 to cease from them ; my pride was a little hurt by M.'s 
 questioning me as the merest novice. He probably sees 
 farther into me, than I see into myself. Employed in- 
 cessantly in writing letters. 
 
 30. The day passed much as yesterday, but I was 
 more elated and puffed up, and found it harder to pre- 
 serve a serious spirit. Towards evening the considera- 
 tion of the shortness of time quickened me to a more 
 spiritual frame ; officiated as usual at evening worship ; 
 writing letters all day. 
 
 June 1. (Sunday.) In the morning at the New 
 Church Mr. J. preached, I officiated at the Sacrament 
 with Mr. Limerick ; found little comfort in the ordinance. 
 In general through the day was obliged to be continually 
 in prayer, through inward corruption, vanity, concern 
 about this world, want of the fear of God. Preached 
 at night at the Missionary Church on the three last 
 verses of St. Matthew. 
 
 2. Called with Mr. Brown on M'K. ; the rest of 
 the day employed in writing letters. My soul tried by 
 the enemy, but keeping near to God. There are, it 
 is said, breadths- and lengths, in the love of Christ. 
 Was astonished this evening to think of the returns I 
 make. I tried to have my heart aifected with love to 
 the blessed Lord Jesus. O my Redeemer ! what is it 
 that hides thy beauties from my soul ? my only friend, 
 fairer than ten thousand, and altogether lovely, why do 
 I not love thee ? 
 
 3. Writing letters all day ; and exercises of mind 
 still the same, obliging me to wait upon God con- 
 tinually to purify, solemnize, and quicken me. Called 
 at night on a pious family in the town ; but instead of 
 being able to edify them by godly conversation, I re- 
 turned full of shame and sorrow at various inconsisten- 
 cies, which might well disgrace me in the eyes of the 
 people of God. O may they never take occasion, from 
 the folly that they see in me, to walk carelessly 
 themselves. 
 
 4. Begun the Nagree alphabet, and by giv'ing some 
 
454 JOURNAL. [1806 
 
 attention made myself master of it in a very short time, 
 so that I could write in it. Prepared myself also for 
 the evening. Went in great dejection to church ; 
 grieved that I could not speak with plainness and affec- 
 tion to the people. In prayer before sermon, I found 
 some relief in breathing out my complaints to God, and 
 in the sermon was sufficiently plain I believe. At home 
 afterwards, found my soul lively; disposed to labour and 
 pray. I could not feel satisfied at having merely got 
 through my work, but was constrained to pray. Lord, 
 let this sermon be for the conversion of many souls, let 
 me not preach always in vain, but let thy word at last 
 go forth in power. 
 
 5. Employed this morning in comparing the Persian 
 andNagree alphabets, and rendering some Hindoostanee 
 stories from one into the other. Severely tried by 
 fleshly temptations, and my mind also in the dark 
 respecting my destination and something dejected. Felt 
 fatigued towards evening, as if the day were too long, a 
 thing I have not found for some time. Visited with 
 Mr. Brown some of the European shops. Dined at 
 night with Mr. Udney's family at Chowringee, and was 
 much refreshed with the serious and sensible conversation 
 of Mr. U. But I see that amid the want of activity and 
 decision so remarkable among the friends of religion 
 here I must begin at last to act for myself, though I am 
 no more qualified than a child. At present this is the 
 state of things ; I wish to fix at Benares ; but that being 
 a military station I should be liable to a removal at the 
 will of the commander-in-chief. Besides, that if I were 
 to report myself to him he would most probably order 
 me to Delhi. These things however remain to be tried, 
 whether I may not get to be appointed to Benares and 
 continued there ; Mr. U. thinks that I may. If not, I 
 must endeavour to be fixed at Patna as civil chaplain ; 
 but there are difficulties in the way of this, for by the 
 company's regulations I ought by my seniority to be at 
 a military station. May the Lord be pleased to direct 
 our way through this labyrinth. I shall endeavour to 
 
1806] JOURNAL. 455 
 
 have an audience of the governor-general, and state the 
 whole of my views to him. 
 
 6. After a sleepless night, full of pain from a sore 
 throat, and agitated with uneasy thoughts, I rose at 
 gun-fire, and was rowed up in Mr. Brown's hoat to 
 Serampore. Death seemed at hand, and I felt unwil- 
 ling to die. I could not find that there was any thing 
 in my habitual state that alarmed me, nor could I disbe- 
 lieve Christ's willingness to receive me ; but it appeared 
 so melancholy to leave friends and habitation on earth. 
 
 7. Went down to Calcutta, and passed the day 
 chiefly in preparing for to-morrow. In the evening, 
 was greatly revived and animated by a funeral sermon 
 I read of Mr. Slater's, and every way greatly impressed. 
 In prayer in general was more occupied with pleading 
 for a ministerial spirit, than for other things. Such a 
 difference is there between all that is in this miserable 
 heart and the holy unction that is visible on those 
 ministers of old, that I cannot but perceive that I have 
 the name and shadow only of a minister. 
 
 8. Preached at the new church for the first time, on 
 I Cor. i. 23, 24. The sermon excited no small ferment; 
 however, after some looks of surprise and whispering, 
 the congregation became attentive and serious. I knew 
 what I was to be on my guard against, — and therefore 
 that I might not have my mind full of idle thoughts 
 about the opinions of men, I prayed both before and 
 after, that the word might be for the conversion of souls, 
 and that I might feel indifferent, except on this score. 
 At night preached at the mission church on 2 Cor. v. 9. 
 
 9. Called on Mr. Birch and his family ; afterwards 
 on Mr. Harrington. Received instructions in writing 
 Nagree, from the first master in the college ; returned 
 to Serampore with Mr. B. and Mr. Myers, and passed 
 the time very agreeably in serious conversation, singing 
 hymns, and reading ; at evening worship I read and 
 prayed ; was somewhat melancholy at reflecting on 
 being soon to be cut off from such delightful Christian 
 society. But alas ! why do I regret it. Sweet is human 
 
456 JOURNAL. [1806 
 
 friendship, sweet is the communion of Christian friends, 
 but sweeter far is fellowship with God on earth, and the 
 enjoyment of the society of his saints in heaven ; there- 
 fore let me live contentedly, separated from every creature 
 consolation, and look forward with delight and joy to the 
 day of my departure from this world. At night, went 
 to the mission house, and heard Mr. Ward's monthly 
 lecture, on the manners and customs of the Hindoos. 
 Found myself very unwell, but supposed it was only 
 from having had little sleep the night before. 
 
 10. After a night spent in great disorder of body 
 and mind I rose, but was obliged to keep my bed most 
 of the dav ; the bilious fever with which I had been 
 attacked continued to increase, till Mr. B. and his 
 family began to be seriously alarmed. During the first 
 part of the day I could feel nothing suitable to the awful- 
 ness of the occasion. I was disposed to trifle with 
 death, and could not fix my thoughts in prayer. But 
 on a sudden I found myself serious and breathed forth 
 my soul freely to God. I could derive no comfort from 
 reflecting on my past life ; indeed exactly in proportion 
 as I looked for evidences of grace, I lost that brokenness 
 of heart which I wished to retain, and could not lie 
 with simplicity at the foot of the cross. God vouch- 
 safed at this time to give me a sweet serenity at the 
 prospect of death. I thought wdth pleasure of leaving 
 this world of sin and sorrow. Dr. Taylor was sent for 
 in the evening. In the night I was very ill, but enjoyed 
 an almost uninterrupted peace of mind. 
 
 11. A little recovered, so as to read some of Hin- 
 doostanee grammar, but was fatigued by it. Had little 
 enjoyment of God's presence, through a detestable 
 lightness of spirit, which has more wounded my peace 
 than any other evil whatsoever. Dr. Taylor visited me 
 at night, and spoke of missionary subjects. He said he 
 expected to live to see the temporal power of the Ma- 
 hommedans destroyed. 
 
 12. Still exceedingly feeble ; endeavoured to think 
 on a subject, and was much irritated at being unable to 
 
1806] JOURNAL. 457 
 
 write a word. Mrs B. and afterwards Mr. B. paid me 
 a visit ; I came into the house to dinner, but while there 
 I felt as if fainting or dying, and indeed really thought 
 I was departing this life. I was brought back again to 
 the pagoda ; and then on my bed I began to pray as on 
 the verge of eternity. The Lord was pleased to break 
 my hard heart, and deliver me from that satanic spirit 
 of light and arrogant unconcern about which I groaned 
 out my complaint to God. From this time I lay in tears, 
 interceding for the unfortunate natives of this country ; 
 thinking with myself, that the most despised soodar of 
 India, was of as much value in the sight of God, as the 
 King of Great Britain : through the rest of the day my 
 soul remained in a spirit of contrition. 
 
 13. The same spirit continued. I lay unable to 
 read, and no one read to me, so that the long day was 
 dragged away in slumbering. 
 
 14. A pundit came to me this morning, but after 
 having my patience tried with him, I was obliged to send 
 him away, as he knew nothing about Hindoostanee. I 
 was exceedingly puzzled to know how T should ever be 
 able to acquire any assistance in learning these languages. 
 Alas ! what trials are awaiting me. Sickness and the 
 climate have increased the irritability of my temper, and 
 occasions of trying it occur constantly. In the afternoon 
 while pleading for a contrite tender spirit, but in vain, 
 I was obliged to cease praying for that tenderness of 
 spirit, and to go on to other petitions, and by this 
 means was brought to a more submissive state. Offi- 
 ciated at evening worship. 
 
 15. (Sunday.) Found my mouth salivated this 
 morning from calomel. Attended the morning service 
 at the mission house ; Mr. Marsden preached. After 
 service, Marshman and Carey talked with me in the usual 
 cheering way about missionary things, but my mind 
 was dark. In the afternoon was rather more comfort- 
 able in prayer, and at evening worship was assisted to go 
 through the duties of it with cheerfulness. Read some 
 of Whitfield's Sermons. 
 
458 JOURNAL. [1806 
 
 16. Ostensibly about Hindoostanee, but doing little 
 from weakness — the eifect of medicine. Heard that Dr. 
 W. had made an intemperate attack upon me yesterday 
 at the new church, and upon all the doctrines of the 
 gospel. I felt like the rest, disposed to be entertained 
 at it ; but I knew it to be wrong, and therefore found it 
 far sweeter to retire and pray, with my mind fixed upon 
 the more awful things of another world. M'Kenzie 
 called on us this afternoon on his way to Delhi. I was 
 shocked at his coldness about divine things ; yet un- 
 happily found no opportunity to speak to him on it. 
 Had somewhat more of God's presence at night in 
 prayer. 
 
 17. Rose in great melancholy, but the rest of the 
 day though the body was in a very oppressed state, my 
 soul was a little more active and lively ; I longed to be 
 ardent in his service. Read the language, and wrote a 
 little on a divine subject. 
 
 18. Continued to enjoy near access to the Lord to- 
 day as yesterday. Employed myself in the way to Cal- 
 cutta, in learning roots ; suffered a little from dejection, 
 purely owing to a bodily cause, for my soul was inw^ardly 
 happy. In the afternoon we drank tea at Mr. Myers', 
 and went from thence to church ; where I read prayers, 
 and Mr. B. preached on 1 Peter iv. 14. " On their part 
 he is evil spoken of, but on your part he is glorified." 
 
 19. Rose in gloom, but that was soon dissipated by 
 consideration, and prayer. Began after breakfast for 
 the first time, with a moonshee, a Cashmerian Brahmin, 
 with whom I was much pleased. In the boat, back to 
 Serampore, learning roots. Officiated at evening wor- 
 ship. • Walked at night with Marshman and Mr. B. to 
 the bazaar held at this time of the year, for the use of the 
 people assembling at Juggernaut. The booth or carriage 
 was fifty feet high, in appearance a wooden temple, with 
 rows of wheels through the centre of it. By the side of 
 this a native brother who attended Marshman gave 
 away papers, and this gave occasion to disputes which 
 continued a considerable time between Marshman and 
 
1806J JOURNAL. 459 
 the Brahmins. Felt somewhat hurt at night at 's 
 
 insinuating that my low spirits, as he called it, was 
 owing to want of diligence. God help me to be free 
 from this charge, and yet not desirous to make a shew 
 before men. May I walk in sweet and inward commu- 
 nion with him, labouring with never-ceasing diligence 
 and care, and assured that I shall not live or labour 
 in vain. 
 
 20. Employed in writing sermon, and learning Hin- 
 doostanee. Hearing of Mr. Pitt's death I was led into 
 solemn reflections on our mortality, and the vanity of 
 the world. Alas, what matters it to have acquired such 
 a name as Mr. Pitt, or Lord Nelson, or Lord Corn- 
 wallis, who have all just died, if they are not the ser- 
 vants of God. How vast the change at the last day, 
 when the despised children of God shall shine forth as 
 the sun in the kingdom of their Father. They that are 
 wise shall shine as the brightness of the firmament. In 
 the afternoon read with moonshee. Officiated at 
 evening prayer. 
 
 21. Went down to Calcutta, and read some Hindoo- 
 stanee with moonshee in the boat. The rest of the day 
 passed in preparing sermon. In prayer I had frequently 
 the blessing of the presence of God, especially in refer- 
 ence to my ministry. Rode out at night upon the 
 course in Mr. B's. carriage. 
 
 22. (Sunday.) Attended at the New Church, and 
 heard Mr. Jeffreys on the evidences of Christianity ; I 
 had laboured much in prayer in the morning that God 
 would be pleased to keep my heart during the service 
 from thinking about men, and I could say as I was 
 going, " I will go up to thy house in the multitude of thy 
 mercies, and in thy fear will I worship toward thy holy 
 temple." In public worship I was rather more heavenly- 
 minded than on former occasions, yet still vain and 
 wandering. At night preached on John x. 2. '* I am 
 the good Shepherd ;" there was great attention. Yet 
 felt a little dejected afterwards, as if I always preached 
 without doing good. 
 
460 JOURNAL. [1806 
 
 23. Spent the morning with Mirza Phitrut, who 
 read over with me the Hindoostanee translation of the two 
 first chapters of Genesis. I knew enough to point out 
 several errors, which he corrected ; the exercise was im- 
 proving to myself. Afterwards read the Hindoo Story- 
 teller with moonshee, and tired him with attention to 
 the work. Dined at the governor-general's, and passed 
 the time without thinking on any particular subject ; had 
 a little conversation with Captain Burnet, a military 
 man on my right-hand, and controverted some of his 
 sentiments rather warmly. 
 
 24. At day -light left Calcutta, and had my temper 
 greatly exercised by the neglects and improper beha- 
 viour of the servants and boatmen. Arrived at Seram- 
 pore at eight, and retired to my pagoda intending to 
 spend the day in fasting and prayer ; but after a prayer in 
 which the Lord helped me to review with sorrow the 
 wickedness of my past life, I was so overcome with 
 fatigue that I fell asleep, and thus lost the whole morn- 
 ing ; so I gave up my original intention. Passed the 
 afternoon in translating the 2nd chapter of St. Matthew 
 into Hindoostanee. Had a long conversation at night with 
 Marshman, whose desire now is, that I should stay at 
 Serampore, give myself to the study of Hindostanee for 
 the sake of the Scriptures, and be ready to supply the 
 place of Carey and Marshman in the work, should they 
 be taken off ; and for another reason — that I might 
 awaken the attention of the people of God in Calcutta 
 more to missionary subjects. I was struck with the im- 
 portance of having proper persons here to supply the 
 place of these two men ; but could not see that it was the 
 path God designed for me. I felt, however, a most im- 
 patient desire that some of my friends should come out 
 and give themselves to the work ; for which they are so 
 much more fit in point of learning than any of the Dis- 
 senters are, and could not bear that a work of such 
 stupendous magnitude should be endangered by their 
 neglect, and love of the world. M. recommended that 
 the serious people in Calcutta should unite in a society 
 
1806] JOURNAL. 461 
 
 for the support of missions, and each subscribe fifty rupees 
 a month for their maintenance. Ten members with this 
 subscription could support sixty or seventy native bre- 
 thren. He wished me also to see the duty of their all 
 remaining in the country, learning the language, and in- 
 structing their servants. My mind was so filled and ex- 
 cited by the first part of our conversation, that I could 
 not sleep for many hours after going to bed. He told 
 me that the people were surfeited with the gospel, and 
 that they needed to be exhorted to duty. 
 
 25. Set apart this day for fasting and prayer ; at the 
 remembrance of my past life, with which I generally 
 begin, I was tenderly affected with some degree of 
 sorrow^ and humiliation ; afterwards for increase of grace 
 to my ow^n soul, and in my ministry, and in intercession 
 for my country and friends, T could not plead with 
 power. In prayer for the setting up of the kingdom 
 of God in India I felt some freedom, but httle love 
 for souls. 
 
 26. Employed in translating St. Matthew into Hin* 
 doostanee, and reading Mirza's translation ; afterwards 
 hadmoonshee a little. In the afternoon walked with 
 Mr. Brown to see Juggernaut's car drawn back to its 
 pagoda. Many thousands of people were present rending 
 the air with acclamations. The car and tower was 
 decorated with a vast number of flags, and the Brahmins 
 were passing to and fro through the different compartments 
 of it, catching the offerings of fruit, cowries, &c. that 
 were thrown up to the god ; for which they threw down 
 in return small wreaths of flowers, w^hich the people 
 wore round their necks and in their hair. When 
 the car stopped at the pagoda, the god with one or 
 two attending deities were let down by ropes, muffled up 
 in red cloths, a band of singers with drums and cymbals 
 going round the car while this was performed. Before 
 the stumps of images, for they were not better, some of 
 the people prostrated themselves, striking the ground 
 twice with their foreheads ; this excited more horror in 
 me than I can well express, and I was about to stammer 
 
462 JOURNAL. [1806 
 
 out in Hindoostanee, '* Why do ye these things ?" and to 
 preach the gospel. The words were on my lips — though 
 if I had spoken thousands would have crowded round 
 me, and I should not have been understood. However, 
 I felt my spirit more inflamed with zeal then I ever con- 
 ceived it would be ; and I thought that if I had words I 
 would preach to the multitudes all the day, if I lost my 
 life for it. It was curious how the women clasped their 
 hands, and lifted them up as if in the extacyof devotion, 
 while Juggernaut was tumbled about in the most clumsy 
 manner before their eyes. I thought with some sorrow 
 that Satan may exert the same influence in exciting ap- 
 parently religious affections in professors of the gospel, 
 in order to deceive souls to their eternal ruin. Dr. 
 Taylor and Mr. Moore joined us, and distributed tracts. 
 Mr. Ward, we heard, was at a distance preaching. On 
 our return we met Marshman going upon the same errand. 
 In evening worship my heart was rather drawn out for 
 the heathen, and my soul in general through the day en- 
 joyed a cheering sense of God's love. Marshman joined 
 us again, and our conversation was about supporting 
 some native missions. 
 
 27. Employed about Hindoostanee with moonshee 
 most of the day, with my mind cheerful and composed. 
 
 28. Came down to Calcutta, and spent the morning 
 in Hindoostanee ; had moonshee in the afternoon. My 
 heart was yielding to many vanities most of this day. Oh 
 that I may value communion with God, which none but 
 the pure in heart can enjoy. '* Keep thy heart with all di- 
 ligence, for out of it are the issues of life." 
 
 29. (Sunday.) Preached this morning to a large 
 congregation in the New Church, on Rom. vii. 18. and 
 was in general raised in my thoughts and affections 
 above this world, but love of souls is w^hat I do not feel. 
 God help me to seek after it. In the evening preached 
 at the Missionary Church, on Dan. v. 23, 24. with 
 rather more affection. B. who had this day landed 
 from Madras was there ; we met with mutual surprise. 
 
 30. Read the Hindoostanee translation of Genesis iii. 
 
1806] JOURNAL. 463 
 
 with Mirza ; afterwards went up to Serampore in the 
 boat, learning roots. Spent the afternoon chiefly in 
 prayer, of which my soul stood greatly in need through 
 the snares into which my heart had been falling. 
 Through mercy my heart was not so far gone from God 
 as to find it very difficult to renounce the world again. 
 But I found it necessary to cry for deliverance from all 
 my present thoughts, again to bid adieu to the world, 
 and be no more entangled \vith it, but to live as if I had 
 not a friend in the world, entirely set apart for God. 
 My soul w^as blessed with peace though I was somewhat 
 melancholy at the pain the conflict occasioned. Called 
 at the Missionary house, and saw Mr. Marsden previous 
 to the commencement of his missionary career. Now 
 the plans of God are I trust taking another step 
 forward. 
 
 July 1. I would consider every day as a time of 
 contradiction to the flesh, and would expect no pleasure, 
 but a life of hardship, labour, and humiliation. If out- 
 ward things are made comfortable, through goodness 
 and love, let God be praised, but I would not think of 
 these things, but see them ebb or flow with equal indif- 
 ference. I would consider heaven as my only dwelling- 
 place, and on that let me be always thinking. The set- 
 ting up of Christ's kingdom in the hearts of men is my 
 delightful business upon earth ; but oh, let me labour in 
 that with a mind simply directed to Jesus ; so shall I 
 walk steadily with God. Employed with moonshee all 
 day. In evening prayer was confused. Watchful in a 
 greater degree over my heart. 
 
 2. Mr. Brown proposed a prayer meeting between 
 ourselves and the missionaries previous to the departure 
 of Dr. Taylor for Surat. It was a season of grace to 
 my soul, for some sense of the vast importance of the 
 occasion dwelt upon my mind in prayer, and I desired 
 earnestly to live zealously, labouring for souls in every 
 possible way, with more honesty and openness. In the 
 evening went to Marshman, and proposed it. There 
 were at his house many agreeable sights ; one pundit 
 
464 ' JOURNAL. [1806 
 
 was translating Scripture into Sanscrit, another into 
 Guzerati, and a table was covered with materials for a 
 Chinese Dictionary. Employed with moonshee in 
 Hindoo Storyteller, and in learning to write the Persian 
 characters. 
 
 3. Rose with some happiness in my soul, and delight 
 in the thought of an increase of labour in the church of 
 God. Employed morning as usual, and in thinking of 
 subject for sermon. Was detained in the house at a 
 time when I wanted prayer. In the evening walked 
 with the family through Serampore, the natives' part. 
 At night we had a delightful spiritual conversation. 
 Thus my time passes most agreeably in this dear family. 
 Lord, let me be willing to leave it, and the world with 
 
 joy. 
 
 4. Moonshee being sick, I read by myself, and em- 
 ployed the time in extracting idioms, and useful phrases 
 from the Hindoo Storyteller, and exercised myself in the 
 Persian character, by writing out the beginning of a 
 native elegy. My soul in general comfortably and 
 solemnly to Godward. Oh may the Lord never suffer 
 my soul to be moved, nor cause my enemies to triumph 
 over me. 
 
 5. Went down to Calcutta, read with moonshee in 
 the boat, and passed the afternoon also with him, but I 
 do not seem to improve at all in conversation. Rode 
 out with Mr. B. in the carriage in the evening, and 
 afterwards spent a great deal too much time in conver- 
 sation, for which my conscience condemned me. 
 
 6. (Sunday.) Laboured to have my mind impressed 
 with holy things, particularly because I expected to have 
 a personal attack from the pulpit. Mr. L. preached 
 from 2 Pet. i. 13, and spoke with sufficient plainness 
 against me and my doctrines. Called them inconsist- 
 ent, extravagant, and absurd. He drew a vast variety 
 of false inferences from the doctrines, and thence argued 
 against the doctrines themselves. To say that repent- 
 ance is the gift of God, was to induce men to sit still 
 and wait for God. To teach that nature was wholly 
 
1806] JOURNAL. 465 
 
 corrupt, was to lead men to despair ; that men thinking 
 the righteousness of Christ sufficient to justify, will 
 account it unnecessary to have any of their own : this last 
 assertion moved me considerably, and I started at hearing 
 such downright heresy. He spoke of me as one of those 
 who understand neither what they say, nor whereof they 
 affirm : and as speaking only to gratify self-sufficiency, 
 pride, and uncharitableness. I rejoiced at having the 
 Sacrament of the Lord's Supper afterwards, as the 
 solemnities of that blessed ordinance sweetly tended to 
 soothe the asperities, and dissipate the contempt which 
 
 was rising ; and I think I administered the cup to 
 
 and with sincere goodwill. At night I preached on 
 
 Johniv. 10, at the mission church, and blessed be God! 
 
 with an enlarged heart. I saw in tears, and that 
 
 encouraged me to hope that perhaps some were savingly 
 affected, but I feel no desire except that my God should 
 be glorified. If any are awakened at hearing me, let me 
 not hear of it if I should glory. 
 
 7. After the first thought of indolence, self-com- 
 placency, and discontent had been dissipated, my soul 
 was brought by the gracious Spirit, to a different frame, 
 so that it was delightful to me to think of labouring 
 ardently for God and heathen souls, unknown and 
 unnoticed by the creature. Oh, surely God does intend 
 good for India, ere long ; or is it because I find the belief 
 so agreeable, that I do believe it ? Mirza came to me 
 this morning, and as it was the last time I should see 
 him before his departure to his native place, Benares, I 
 preached the gospel to him. He said that now he had 
 translated the Gospels, he was become a Christian in 
 heart, and wished to spend the remainder of his days in 
 a corner, thinking of God. Thus fairly will even a 
 ferocious and profligate Mussulman speak. Went back 
 to Serampore. 
 
 ^8. Reading with moonshee all the morning. Spent 
 the afternoon in reading and prayer, as preparatory to a 
 meeting of the missionaries at night. At eight, ten of 
 us met in my pagoda. It was, throughout, a soul-re- 
 
 2 H 
 
466 JOURNAL. [1806 
 
 freshing ordinance to me ; I felt as I wished, as if 
 having done with the world, and standing on the very- 
 verge of heaven, rejoicing at the glorious work which 
 God will accomplish on the earth. The Lord will, I 
 hope, hear our prayers for our dear brother, on whose 
 account we met, previous to his departure for Surat. 
 
 An idea thrown out by pleased me very much, 
 
 not on account of its practicability, but its grandeur, i. e, 
 that there should be an annual meeting, at the Cape of 
 Good Hope, of all the missionaries in the world. 
 
 9. Dull and languid from the exertions and late 
 hours of yesterday. Reading the sermon on the mount, 
 in the Hindoostanee Testament, with moonshee. In the 
 evening w^ent to the missionary house, drank tea, and at- 
 tended their worship. These affectionate souls never fail 
 to mention me particularly in their prayers, but I am 
 grieved that they so mistake my occasional warmth for 
 zeal. It is one of the things in which I am most low 
 and backward, as the Lord, who seeth in secret, knows 
 too well. Oh then, may any who think it worth while 
 to take up my name into their lips, pray for the begin- 
 ning rather than the continuance of zeal. Marshman, 
 in my walk with him, kindly assured me of his great 
 regard and union of heart with me. I would that I had 
 more gratitude to God, for so putting it into the hearts 
 of his people, to show regard to one so undeserving of 
 it. At night had much nearness to God in prayer. I 
 found it sweet to my spirit, to reflect on my being a 
 pilgrim on earth, with Christ for my near and dear 
 friend J and found myself unwilling to leave off my 
 prayer. 
 
 10. Employed during the morning with moonshee. 
 At morning and evening worship enjoyed freedom of 
 access to God in prayer. Mr. Brown's return in the 
 evening with another Christian friend, added greatly to 
 my pleasure. Marshman joined us at night, but these 
 enjoyments, from being too eagerly entered into, often 
 leave my soul carnally delighted only, instead of bring- 
 ing me nearer to God. Wrote sermon at night. 
 
1806] JOURNAL. 467 
 
 1 1 . Had much plague from the vanities of my heart 
 to-day. Was chiefly writing sermon, and but little with 
 moonshee. Some suitable thoughts coming into my 
 mind at night, of the majesty of God, and the manner 
 in which angels serve him, from hearing sacred music, 
 I was astonished at reflecting on my daring irreverence. 
 Oh ! never have I approached the Deity with any thing of 
 a proper temper. Due apprehensions of him I cannot 
 expect to have, but surely I might walk before him with 
 less carelessness than I do. The seraphs veil their faces 
 with their wings, before the Lord. Oh to think that 
 such a despicable creature should be irreverent ! 
 
 12. Most of this morning employed about sermon. 
 In the afternoon w^ent down to Calcutta with Mr. B. 
 and all his family ; we passed the time very agreeably in 
 singing hymns. Found Europe letters on our arrival, 
 but were disappointed in not finding Corrie, or Parsons, 
 in the list of passengers. My letters were from Lydia, 
 T. H., and Emma; Mr. Simeon, and Sargent. All 
 their first letters had been taken in the Bell Packet. I 
 longed to see Lydia's, but the Lord saw it good, no 
 doubt, not to suffer it to arrive. The one I did receive 
 from her was very animating, and show^ed the extraor- 
 dinary zeal and activity of her mind. Mr. Simeon's 
 letter contained her praises, and even he seemed to regret 
 that I had gone without her. My thoughts were so 
 occupied with these letters, that I could get little or no 
 sleep. 
 
 13. (Sunday.) Talked to Mr. B. about L., and read 
 her letter to him. He strongly recommended the mea- 
 sure of endeavouring to bring her here, and was clear 
 that my future situation in the country would be such 
 as to make it necessary to be married. A letter from 
 Colonel Sandys, which he opened afterwards, spoke in 
 the highest terms of her. The subject of marriage was 
 revived in my mind, but I feel rather a reluctance to it. 
 I enjoy in general such sweet peace of mind, from con- 
 sidering myself a stranger upon earth, unconnected with 
 any persons ; unknown, forgotten, that were I never 
 
 2 H 2 
 
468 JOURNAL. [1806 
 
 thrown into any more trying circumstances than I am 
 in at present, no change could add to my happiness. At 
 the new church this morning, had the happiness of hear- 
 ing Mr. Jefferies preach. I trust God will graciously 
 keep him, and instruct him, and make him another wit- 
 ness of Jesus in this place. My heart was greatly 
 refreshed, and rejoiced at it all the day. At night 
 preached at the missionary church, on Eph. ii. 1 — 3, to 
 a small congregation. Sat up late with Mr. B., consi- 
 dering the same subject as w^e had been conversing on 
 before, and it dwelt so much on my mind, that I got 
 hardly any sleep the whole night. 
 
 14. The same subject engrosses my whole thoughts. 
 Mr. B's. arguments appear so strong, that my mind is 
 almost made up to send for Lydia. I could scarcely 
 have any reasonable doubts remaining, that her presence 
 would most abundantly promote the ends of the mission. 
 A letter from Colonel Sandys gave us hopes that some 
 valuable missionaries may, ere long, be introduced into 
 the country. Passed much of the morning with 
 Mirza, the Mahometan, and endeavoured to press upon 
 his mind the truths of the gospel ; in the afternoon with 
 moonshee. Till evening worship passed some time 
 profitably in reading and prayer, and God in grace and 
 love helped me to have my affections withdrawn from 
 the world, and to be indifferent about the event of what 
 is now passing in my mind. Through Christian friends 
 being with us this evening, we had some agreeable con- 
 versation on divine things. At night, with Mr. B., paid 
 my first visit to Mrs. Johnson. 
 
 15. Most of the day with moonshee; at intervals, 
 thinking on subject for sermon. My affections seemed 
 to be growing more strong towards Lydia than I could 
 wish, as I fear my judgment will no longer remain 
 unbiassed. The subject is constantly on my mind, and 
 imagination heightens the advantages to be obtained 
 from her presence. And yet, on the other hand, there 
 is such a sweet happiness in living unconnected with 
 any creature, and hastening through this life with not 
 
1806] JOURNAL. 469 
 
 one single attraction to detain my desires here, that I 
 am often very unwilling to exchange a life of celibacy, 
 for one of which I know nothing, except that it is in 
 general a life of care. 
 
 16. Morning with moonshee ; afterwards preparing 
 myself for church. Preached at night at missionary 
 church, on Isaiah Ixiii. 1. Both in prayers and sermon 
 I felt my heart much more affected than I expected, and 
 there seemed to be some impression on a few of the 
 people. I feel to be thankful to God, and grateful to 
 the people, that they continue to hear me with such 
 attention. My thoughts this day have been rather 
 averse to marriage. Anxiety about the education and 
 conversion of children rather terrifies me. 
 
 17. Employed as usual at night. 
 
 1 8 . Engaged in writing a sermon for Sunday . After 
 officiating at evening w^orship, I felt my heart much 
 enlarged, and disposed to exclude any thing but spiri- 
 tual conversation. Afterwards Mr. J. came and con- 
 versed with Mr. B. and myself, on the subject of the 
 late attacks from the pulpit, w^hich we had heard. 
 Blessed be God, Mr. J. seems really disposed to rank 
 with the followers of the Lord. 
 
 19. Still writing, and but a short time with moon- 
 shee. Mr. B. revived all the thoughts of marriage as 
 strongly as ever. Read some of Barrow's Travels in 
 Africa, by w^ay of recreation. 
 
 20. (Sunday.) Preached at the new church, on 2 
 Cor. V. 17. Mr. Marshman dined with us, and at four 
 I went to the Bazaar, to hear him preach to the 
 natives. I arrived at the shed before him, and found 
 the native brethren singing, after w^hich one of them got 
 up, and addressed the people with such firmness and 
 mild energy, notwithstanding their occasional contra- 
 dictions and ridicule, that I w^as quite delighted and 
 refreshed. To see a native Indian, an earnest advocate 
 for Jesus, how precious ! Marshman afterwards came, 
 and prayed, sung, and preached. If I were to be very 
 severe with him, I should say that there is a want of 
 
470 JOURNAL. [1806 
 
 seriousness, tenderness, and dignity in his address, and 
 I felt pained that he should so frequently speak with 
 contempt of the Brahmins, many of whom were 
 listening with great respect and attention. The group 
 presented all that variety of countenance which the 
 word is represented as producing in a heathen audience. 
 Some inattentive, others scornful, and others seemingly 
 melting under it. Another native brother, I believe, 
 then addressed them. An Indian sermon about Jesus 
 Christ was like music on my ear, and I felt in- 
 flamed to begin my work : these poor people pos- 
 sess more intelligence and feeling than I thought. At 
 the end of the service, there was a sort of uproar 
 when the papers were given away, and the attention of 
 the populace and of some Europeans was excited. Read 
 prayers at night at the missionary church ; Mr. B. 
 preached on the unspeakable gift. 
 
 21. Morning with moonshee. Yovmg from 
 
 England dined with us. Returned to Serampore rather 
 in a low state of mind, arising from deprivation of a 
 society of which I had been too fond. Ill with a cold, 
 and want of sleep towards night, this made me still 
 more stupid and cold. 
 
 22. Read Hindoostanee without moonshee. Not 
 being able to get to the pagoda from the incessant rain, 
 I passed the latter part of the day in the house, reading 
 the life of Francis Xavier. I was exceedingly roused at 
 the astonishing example of that great saint, and began 
 to consider, whether it was not my duty to live, as he 
 did, in voluntary poverty and celibacy. I was not easy 
 till I had determined to follow the same course, when I 
 should perceive that the kingdom of God would be more 
 advanced by it. At night I saw the awful necessity of 
 being no longer slothful, nor wasting my thoughts 
 about such trifles, as whether I should be married or 
 not ; and felt a great degree of fear, lest the blood of the 
 five thousand Mahometans, who Mr. B. said were to be 
 found in Calcutta, capable of understanding a Hindoos- 
 tanee sermon, should be required at my hand. 
 
1806] JOURNAL. 471 
 
 23. Employed in Hindoostanee and writing sermon. 
 Moonshee narrowly escaped drowning in coming to me, 
 the wind is so high on the river; the boat having upset. 
 At night visited Marshman, and consulted with him on 
 the subject which is pending in my mind. Wrote out a 
 letter for Lydia^ but am not yet determined to send it. 
 
 24. Reading Hindoostanee by myself, and found it 
 more useful than with moonshee, and when tired read 
 Barrow's travels in China, and Xavier. In the afternoon 
 Mr.B. brought up Buchanan's Mission from Calcutta ; I 
 was much struck with it, and was very powerfully ex- 
 cited by Archbishop Wake's letter to the missionaries. 
 Oh how shall I adore God enough, for the honour He has 
 put upon so w^retched a creature, by sending him with 
 the Gospel to these countries. Let me never, never be 
 entangled with the affairs of this world, that I may please 
 Him, who hath called me to be a soldier. At night 
 wrote sermon. 
 
 25. Endeavoured to walk more closely with God to- 
 day, by more frequent prayer and greater watchfulness — 
 and consequently found my soul more serious and 
 steady. The thought of the Mahometans and Heathens 
 lies very heavy upon my mind. The former who are in 
 Calcutta, I seem to think are consigned to me by God, 
 because nobody preaches in Hindoostanee. Employed 
 the morning in sermon and Hindoostanee. In the af- 
 ternoon went down to Calcutta. In the boat read 
 Wrangham's Essay and some of Mr. Lloyd's letters, 
 when young. What knowledge have some believers 
 of the deep things of God ! I felt myself peculiarly 
 deficient in that experimental knowledge of Christ, 
 with which Mr. Lloyd was particularly favoured. 
 Walked from the landing place, a mile and a half, 
 through the native part of Calcutta, amidst crowds of 
 orientals of all nations. How would the spirit of St. Paul 
 have been moved. The thought of summoning the at- 
 tention of such multitudes appeared very formidable ; 
 and during the course of the evening was the occasion of 
 many solemn thoughts and prayer, that God would deli- 
 
472 JOURNAL. [1806 
 
 ver me from all softness of mind, fear, and self-indul- 
 gence, and make me ready to suffer shame and death for 
 the name of the Lord Jesus. 
 
 26. Hindoostanee and sermon. In the evening 
 drove out with Mr. Brown. My soul in general im- 
 pressed with the awfulness of my missionary work, and 
 often shrinking from its difficulties. 
 
 27. (Sunday.) Read prayers at the New Church. Dr. 
 Ward preached. At night I preached at the Missionary 
 Church, on Ephes. ii. 4 — 7. My soul throughout the 
 day more disposed to seriousness and holy conversation 
 than to vanity ; yet at Mr. Myers', where we took tea, I 
 was miserably insipid and unprofitable. 
 
 28. At a shop this morning met with Captain 
 S. who presently entered into conversation with me ; 
 I found him very deranged, yet he dissembled his dis- 
 like of me. In the boat to Serampore, we read 
 Mitchell's Essay on ' evangelizing India,' and were much 
 pleased and profited. Whatever plans and speculations 
 may be agitated, I felt it my duty to think only 
 of putting my hand to the work without delay. Felt 
 very unhappy at having other work put upon me, which 
 will keep me from making progress in the language. 
 Nothing but waiting upon God constantly for direction, 
 and an assurance that his never-ceasing love will direct 
 my way, would keep me from constant vexation. I 
 scarcely do any thing in the language, from having my 
 time so constantly taken up with writing sermons. 
 
 29. Much of this morning taken up in writing to 
 Lydia. As far as my own views extend, I feel no doubt 
 at all about the propriety of the measure — of at least pro- 
 posing it. May the Lord, in continuance of his loving 
 kindness to her and me, direct her mind, that if she 
 comes, I may consider it as a special gift from God, and 
 not merely permitted by him. Marshman sat with us in 
 the evening, and as usual was teeming with plans for the 
 propagation of the Gospel. Staid up till midnight in 
 finishing the letter to Lydia 
 
 30. Hindoostanee with Moonshee. Felt the neces- 
 
1806] JOURNAL. 473 
 
 sity of stirring myself up to a more cheerful activity in 
 conversation, and endeavours to do any such good by 
 constant exertion. In the afternoon and at night think- 
 ing about sermon ; but my soul does not enjoy the 
 presence of God. My prayers are v^ith true seriousness, 
 but without affection and joy. For all the impurity and 
 iniquity, and indolence of my heart, the Lord I fear 
 hideth his face. Oh mercifully cleanse me from all 
 filthiness of flesh and spirit ! 
 
 Serampore, July 30, 1806. 
 My Dearest Lydia, 
 
 On a subject so intimately connected with my happi- 
 ness and future ministry, as that on which I am now 
 about to address you, I wish to assure you that I am 
 not acting with precipitancy, or without much considera- 
 tion and prayer, while I at last sit down to request you 
 to come out to me to India. 
 
 May the Lord graciously direct his blind and erring 
 creature, and not suffer the natural bias of his mind to 
 lead him astray. You are acquainted with much of the 
 conflict I have undergone on your account. It has been 
 greater than you or Emma have imagined, and yet not so 
 painful as I deserve to have found it for having suffered 
 my affections to fasten so inordinately on an earthly 
 object. 
 
 Soon, however, after my final departure from Europe, 
 God in great mercy gave me deliverance, and favoured 
 me throughout the voyage with peace of mind, indif- 
 ference about all worldly connections, and devotedness 
 to no object upon earth but the work of Christ. I gave 
 you up entirely — not the smallest expectation remained 
 in my mind of ever seeing you again till we should meet 
 in heaven : and the thought of this separation was the 
 less painful from the consolatory persuasion that our 
 own Father had so ordered it for our mutual good. I 
 continued from that time to remember you in my prayers 
 only as a Christian sister, though one very dear to me. 
 On my arrival in this country I saw no reason at first for 
 
474 LETTER. [1806 
 
 supposing that marriage was advisable for a missionary 
 — or rather the subject did not offer itself to my mind. 
 The Baptist Missionaries indeed recommended it and 
 Mr. Brown ; but not knowing any proper person in 
 this country, they were not very pressing upon the sub- 
 ject, and I accordingly gave no attention to it. After a 
 very short experience and inquiry afterwards, my own 
 opinions began to change, and when a few weeks ago we 
 received your welcome letter and others from Mr. Simeon 
 and Colonel Sandys, both of whom spoke of you in re- 
 ference to me, I considered it even as a call from God 
 to satisfy myself fully concerning his will. From the 
 account which Mr. Simeon received of you from Mr. 
 Thomason he seemed in his letter to me to regret that 
 he had so strongly dissuaded me from thinking about 
 you at the time of my leaving England. Colonel Sandys 
 spoke in such terms of you, and of the advantages to re- 
 sult from your presence in this country, that Mr. B. be- 
 came very earnest for me to endeavour to prevail upon you. 
 Your letter to me perfectly delighted him and induced 
 him to say that you would be the greatest aid to the 
 mission I could possibly meet with. I knew my own 
 heart too well not to be distrustful of it, especially as my 
 affections were again awakened, and accordingly all my 
 labour and prayer have been to check their influence, 
 that I might see clearly the path of duty. 
 
 Though I dare not say that I am under no bias, yet 
 from every view of the subject I have been able to take, 
 after balancing the advantages and disadvantages that 
 may ensue to the cause in which I am engaged, 
 always in prayer for God's direction, my reason is fully 
 convinced of the expediency, I had almost said the ne- 
 cessity of having you with me. It is possible that my 
 reason may still be obscured by passion ; let it suffice 
 however to say that now with a safe conscience and the 
 enjoyment of the divine presence, I calmly and deliberately 
 make the proposal to you — and blessed be God if it be 
 not his will to permit it ; still this step is not advancing 
 beyond the limits of duty, because there is a variety of 
 
1806] LETTER. 475 
 
 ways by which God can prevent it, without suffering any 
 dishonour to his cause. If He shall forbid it, I think, 
 that by his grace, I shall even then be contented and re- 
 joice in the pleasure of corresponding with you. Your 
 letter dated December, 1805, was the first I received, 
 (your former having been taken in the Bell Packet) — 
 and I found it so animating that 1 could not but reflect 
 on the blessedness of having so dear a counsellor always 
 near me. I can truly say, and God is my witness, 
 that my principal desire in this affair is that you may 
 promote the kingdom of God in my own heart, and be 
 the means of extending it to the heathen. My own 
 earthly comfort and happiness are not worth a moment's 
 notice — I would not, my dearest Lydia, influence you by 
 any artifices or false representations. I can only say 
 that if you have a desire of being instrumental in estab- 
 lishing the blessed Redeemer's kingdom among these poor 
 people and will condescend to do it by supporting the 
 spirits and animating the zeal of a weak messenger of 
 the Lord who is apt to grow very dispirited and languid, 
 *' Come, and the Lord be with you 1" It can be nothing 
 but a sacrifice on your part, to leave your valuable 
 friends to come to one who is utterly unworthy of you or 
 any other of God's precious gifts — but you will have 
 your reward, and I ask it not of you or of God for the 
 sake of my own happiness, but only on account of the 
 Gospel. If it be not calculated to promote it, may God 
 in his mercy withhold it. For the satisfaction of your 
 friends, I should say that you will meet with no hard- 
 ships. The voyage is very agreeable, and with the 
 people and country of India, I think you will be much 
 pleased. The climate is very fine — the so much dreaded 
 heat is really nothing to those who will employ their 
 minds in useful pursuits. Idleness will make people 
 complain of every thing. Tlie natives are the most 
 harmless and timid creatures I ever met with. The 
 whole country is the land of plenty and peace. Were I 
 a missionary among the Esquimaux or Boschemen I 
 should never dream of introducing a female into such a 
 
476 LETTER. [1806 
 
 scene of danger or hardship, especially one whose happi- 
 ness is dearer to me than my own, — but here there is 
 universal tranquillity, — though the multitudes are so 
 great, that a missionary needs not go three miles from his 
 house without having a congregation of many thousands. 
 You would not be left in solitude if I were to make any 
 distant excursion, because no chaplain is stationed where 
 there is not a large English Society. My salary is 
 abundantly sufficient for the support of a married man, 
 the house and number of people kept by each company's 
 servant being such as to need no increase for a family 
 establishment. As I must make the supposition of your 
 coming, though it may be perhaps a premature liberty, 
 I should give you some directions. This letter will 
 reach you about the latter end of the year, — it would be 
 very desirable if you could be ready for the February 
 fleet, because the voyage will be performed in far less 
 time than at any other season. George will find out the 
 best ship ; one in which there is a lady of high rank in 
 the service would be preferable. You are to be consi- 
 dered as coming as a visitor to Mr. Brown, who will 
 write to you or to Colonel Sandys, who is best qualified 
 to give you directions about the voyage. Should I be up 
 the country on your arrival in Bengal, Mr. Brown will 
 be at hand to receive you, and you will find yourself im- 
 mediately at home. As it will highly expedite some of 
 the plans which w^e have in agitation that you should 
 know the language as soon as possible, take Gilchrist's 
 Indian stranger's guide, and occasionally on the voyage 
 learn some of the words. 
 
 If I had room I might enlarge on much that would be 
 interesting to you. In my conversations with Marshman, 
 the Baptist missionary, our hearts sometimes expand with 
 delight and joy at the prospect of seeing all these nations 
 of the East receive the doctrine of the Cross. He is a 
 happy labourer ; and I only wait, I trust, to know the 
 language to open my mouth boldly and make known the 
 mystery of the Gospel. My romantic notions are for the 
 first time almost realized, — for in addition to the beau- 
 
1806] LETTER. 477 
 
 ties of sylvan scenery may be seen the more delightful 
 object of mutitudes of simple people sitting in the shade 
 listening to the words of eternal life. Much as yet is not 
 done ; but I have seen many discover by their looks while 
 Marshman was preaching, that their hearts were tenderly 
 affected. My post is not yet determined ; we expect how- 
 ever it will be Patna, a civil station, where I shall not be 
 under military command. As you are so kindly anx- 
 ious about my health, I am happy to say, that through 
 mercy my health is far better than it ever was in 
 England. 
 
 The people of Calcutta are very desirous of keeping 
 me at the Mission Church, and offer to any evangelical 
 clergyman a chaplain's salary and a house besides. I am 
 of course deaf to such a proposal ; but it is strange that 
 no one in England is tempted by such an inviting situa- 
 tion. I am actually going to mention it to cousin T. H. 
 and Emma. Not, as you may suppose with much hope 
 of success ; but I think that possibly the chapel at Dock 
 may be too much for him, and he will have here a 
 sphere of still greater importance. As this will be sent 
 by the Overland Dispatch, there is some danger of its 
 not reaching you ; — you will therefore receive a dupli- 
 cate, and perhaps a triplicate by the ships that will 
 arrive in England a month or two after. I cannot write 
 now to any of my friends. I will therefore trouble you, 
 if you have opportunity, to say that I have received no 
 letters since I left England, but one from each of these — 
 Cousin T. and Emma, Simeon, Sargent, Bates — of my 
 own family I have heard nothing. Assure any of them 
 whom you may see of the continuance of my affec- 
 tionate regard — especially dear Emma. I did not know 
 that it was permitted me to write to you — or I fear she 
 would not have found me so faithful a correspondent on 
 the voyage. As I have heretofore addressed you through 
 her, it is probable that I may be now disposed to ad- 
 dressed her through you — or what will be best of all, 
 that we both of us address her in one letter from India. 
 However, you shall decide, my dearest Lydia, I must ap- 
 
478 LETTER. [1806 
 
 prove your determination, because with that spirit of 
 simple-looking to the Lord, which w^e both endeavour to 
 maintain, we must not doubt that you will be divinely 
 directed. Till I receive an answer to this, my prayers 
 you may be assured will be constantly put up for you 
 that in this affair you may be under an especial guidance, 
 and that in all your ways God may be abundantly glori- 
 fied by you through Jesus Christ. You say in your 
 letter that /re^iie/i^ every day you remember my worth- 
 less name before the throne of grace. This instance of 
 extraordinary and undeserved kindness draws my 
 heart toward you with a tenderness which I cannot 
 describe. Dearest Lydia, in the sweet and fond expec- 
 tation of your being given to me by God, and of the hap- 
 piness which I humbly hope you yourself might enjoy 
 here, I find a pleasure in breathing out my assurance of 
 ardent love. I have now long loved you most affec- 
 tionately, and my attachment is more strong, more pure, 
 more lieavenly, because I see in you the image of Jesus 
 Christ. I unwillingly conclude, by bidding my beloved 
 Lydia, adieu, 
 
 H. Martyn. 
 
 31. Was blest with more of God's presence, espe- 
 cially in the afternoon, while reading the first three 
 chapters of Revelations. Amidst the noise and bustle 
 of missionary societies and plans, how much sweeter 
 and more strengthening to have the soul withdrawn 
 to God, and receiving an humble serious hardihood of 
 soul. How much do I want this ! Wrote sermon, and 
 read Hindoostanee successively in the day. At night 
 finished Mitchell's excellent essay. Had reason to be- 
 lieve to-day, that I should certainly be sent to Benares, 
 as a military chaplain. This coming with Marshman's 
 earnest recommendation to me to begin Sanscrit, seems 
 to show that God will employ me to strike at the heart 
 of Hindooism ; may the Lord make bare his holy 
 arm, and cause his worm to behold the downfall of the 
 kingdom of Satan. 
 
1806] JOURNAL. 479 
 
 August 1 . Set apart this day for fasting and prayer : 
 the remembrance of my past sins was again brought to 
 my mird. As usual, however, I felt no tender relenting 
 for a while, by which the Lord led me to see, that to 
 my other wickednesses I add that of an impenitent 
 heart, and that there is no connection between a know- 
 ledge of the head respecting sin, and godly sorrow for 
 it, without the precious influences of the Spirit. But I 
 found a degree of abasement at last, so as to desire to 
 lie low before God and man, and be the mere servant of 
 every soul, from being unworthy to be found among 
 them. In prayer for grace to enable me to walk holily 
 as a child of God, my heart was enlarged : in interceding 
 for dear friends, and for the church of God, not so much 
 so ; and at intervals was severely tried by the sug- 
 gestions of Satan disposing me to a detestable levity. 
 
 2. Morning passed in reading with moonshee, and 
 looking over the preface in manuscript, to the Ramayuna. 
 My soul enjoyed not much continued sense of God's 
 presence, till the afternoon, when I received something 
 of the spirit of seriousness. In the afternoon went to 
 Calcutta alone, and passed the time profitably and 
 sweetly in solemn thoughts. Oh that I had always a 
 poverty of spirit to mortify all vanity, pride, and levity. 
 Drank tea at Mr. Myers, and found myself disposed to 
 spiritual conversation. Officiated at their evening wor- 
 ship. At night my soul rejoiced in the Lord, and all 
 that was within me praised his holy name. Felt more 
 joy and desire to preach the precious gospel, than since 
 I have been in India. 
 
 3. (Sunday. At the new church read the second 
 service, and assisted at the Sacrament ; hard-hearted at 
 this feast of the Lord's dying love. At night preached 
 at missionary church, at John i. 14, but with very little 
 life. Found on my return, Mr. B. who had come from 
 Serampore, and stayed up with him till a late hour. 
 
 4. Rose in the night on account of Mr. B. who had 
 been obliged to send for a physician, but through mercy, 
 his attack appears not serious. My morning was 
 
480 JOURNAL. [1806 
 
 taken up in making calls. I endeavoured to recom- 
 mend the institution of schools, over the country, but 
 they seemed not to enter into the idea. From Mr. 
 Birch I learnt that at the French settlement of Chan- 
 dernagur there was a college of monks, united under 
 the name of the Thibet mission, but that none were 
 there now. From Mr. and Mrs. JeflPeries, I had such a 
 formidable account of Chunar, that I felt serious regret 
 that I had written to Lydia, or that I had given a 
 flattering account of India, though undesignedly. 
 Passed most of the remainder of the day in Mr. Brown's 
 chamber, enjoying at times very profitable conversation. 
 My mind was much affected with my want of humiha- 
 tion, and tenderness in preaching. 
 
 5. A day of sorrow\ I w^as tried repeatedly, most 
 violently with worldly, sensual thoughts, and though the 
 grace of God was given to fight against them, yet they 
 left such a defiling effect, that the Comforter w^as with- 
 drawn. Being left alone in the afternoon, by the de- 
 parture of Mr. and Mrs. B. for Serampore, I was 
 assisted in the work of preparing sermon, and at night 
 had some satisfaction, though mixed with much 
 melancholy. 
 
 6. My heart wavering in its state, sometimes in 
 acute misery, separated from God by unbelief. Medi- 
 tate on Song of Solomon i. 7, 8. At the close of the 
 day, my harassed soul found grace, from a compassion- 
 ate God, to be serious and composed. I felt withdrawn 
 from the world, and disposed in my frame, to speak on 
 holding fellowship with Jesus. There were very few^ 
 people at church, and those not very attentive. How- 
 ever, I enjoyed peace in my own soul. Glory be to 
 God, for getting so far on my way. I seem to be doing 
 little good on earth, but I trust to be made more pro- 
 fitable soon, among the poor heathen. 
 
 7. No increase of knowledge or grace to-day, except 
 that by a nearer view, I was in some measure convinced 
 of the insignificance of the idols I am putting in Je- 
 hovah's room. It is only an imaginary value I affix to 
 
1806] JOURNAL. 481 
 
 creatures. What is there worthy of the soul's love, but 
 God ? And yet, oh Lord, the smallest temptation can 
 draw me away from thee. Received much comfort from 
 finding that I could understand my Brahmin so w^ell, 
 while he described the customs of Cashmere and ex- 
 plained his religious views. My spirit begins to ex- 
 pand again with hope, that I shall be able to carry the 
 everlasting gospel through the regions of the east. After 
 dining with Mr. Myers, I went up with him and his 
 daughter to Serampore. Often vain and trifling, yet my 
 heart felt, w^hile thinking of the words 
 
 Sweet the moments, rich in blessing, 
 Which before the cross I spend, — 
 
 Oh that I could be always there, meditating on the 
 humiliation and dying love of the Lord ! 
 
 8. Officiated at morning and evening worship, with 
 some benefit to my soul, but severely tried through the 
 day with sinful thoughts hiding the face of God from 
 me. I saw the absolute necessity at night, of forcing 
 my way through all my corrupt thoughts and guilt to 
 the cross of Christ, and depending for all upon the 
 grace of God ; for I could make no head against 
 them. Employed in writing sermon all day. Marsh- 
 man drank tea with us ; suggested the idea of my going 
 as a missionary to China. I felt no reluctance to en- 
 counter dangers and death, but the thought of Lydia 
 occurred, and for the first time I felt a little entangled. 
 But, however, I determined to leave her at the call of 
 God, being assured of her perfect acquiescence in any 
 thing which should be for the gospel : and seeing the ease 
 with which I could do it, I felt more satisfied in my 
 mind than ever that she would be no hindrance to me. 
 I have, however, no notion whatever of going thither. 
 Such a roving wandering spirit, I conceive to be highly 
 unsuitable to a missionary. The Lord opens a door in 
 India, and the exertions of English missionaries ought 
 to be concentrated there. 
 
 9. Went down to Calcutta, with Mr. Myers' family. 
 
 2 I 
 
48*2 jouRj^AL. [1806 
 
 Reading Pascal's Thoughts in the boat ; my thoughts 
 rather to God-ward. Dined at Mr. Myers'. The 
 agreeable female society I meet with in India is very 
 dangerous to me, by producing a softness of mind and 
 indisposition to solitude and bold exertion. '' Thou 
 therefore endure hardness as a good soldier of Jesus 
 Christ." I felt, through mercy, my danger so near, that 
 I determined without hesitation to be as little as possible 
 in the enjoyment of those too pleasing comforts, which 
 are so enervating. What very, very little desire have I 
 for marriage, except when I recollect that Lydia will, I 
 hope be such a one, that I may live as independent as if 
 single ! Wrote sermon, and enjoyed much comfort in 
 the blessed God. Oh how preferable is a taste of 
 spiritual things, to every other enjoyment in the world ! 
 ** One day in thy courts is better than a thousand." 
 
 10. (Sunday.) Preached at the new church on 
 Acts iii. 26. before the Governor- General, Sir George 
 Barlow. There were not many present, on account of 
 the excessive closeness of the day ; but they were appa- 
 rently impressed. Dined at Mr. Myers's, and was much 
 pleased with the serious and suitable conversation to 
 which they all seemed disposed, though I was myself 
 able to say nothing to the purpose. At night found 
 benefit to my soul from the preparation for the evening. 
 Preached at the Mission church, on John i. 29. with 
 some freedom and powder. A violent squall came on just 
 as I was beginning, and continued the w^hole time ; by 
 exerting myself too much to be heard in it I grew 
 hoarse, and almost lost the power of articulation. 
 
 11. I seem to have found my besetting sin to be 
 different from what I supposed ; and dreadful indeed is 
 its power. The afternoon and evening were spent in 
 agonizing conflicts with my corrupt affections. How 
 long, oh Lord, shall I try thy patience ? Passion sub- 
 sides for a moment, and I am at ease, but I have no 
 power over my own heart. I cannot keep reason and 
 truth in view. Yet in the name of God I will say, that 
 heaven and earth shall pass away before I will yield. 
 
1806] JOURNAL. 483 
 
 The right hand shall be cut off, and the right eye 
 plucked out a thousand times, but the will of God 
 shall be done. At night, . went with a wounded spirit 
 to Mr. V. to dinner. Found to my no great satisfac- 
 tion a large party of both sexes, to all of whom I was 
 introduced. I soon felt how impossible it is for a 
 minister to speak boldly to the people, if he visits them 
 in their common meetings without a religious purpose. 
 Made for one evening a fine gentleman among them ; I 
 grieved at the inconsistency of getting up to warn them 
 of the wickedness of such a way of passing their time. 
 I trust it will be long enough before I am found at 
 another such party. 
 
 12. Rose rather unhappy from a stubbornness of 
 will ; but in prayer my soul w^as much refreshed, so that 
 I felt desirous only of conformity to the will of God. 
 I was likewise enabled to pray for the outpouring of the 
 Spirit upon many of my Christian friends, that they 
 might be eminently holy. Isaiah Ix. and Rev. xxi. 
 coming together to-day, in the course of my daily read- 
 ing, were blessed to the stirring up of my desires for a 
 fervent laboriousness in a work so glorious as the 
 building of the temple of God. Learnt from my moon- 
 shee to-day, that from my know^ing the original it was 
 of little use my reading the translation of the gospels, 
 and accordingly in reading another book I found my- 
 self much more backward than I thought. My engage- 
 ments at Calcutta begin, I see plainly, to retard my 
 progress very much. 
 
 13. After a night in which I had experienced a 
 most piercing pain in my head, from having been ex- 
 posed to the glare and heat of an unclouded meridian sun 
 for a few minutes, — I arose restored by the goodness of 
 my God. If so small a benefit appear a call to gratitude, 
 how ought I to think of his mercy, in not suffering 
 presumptuous sin to get the dominion over me ! Em- 
 ployed with moonshee, and preparing for the evening : 
 I make no progress in the language, but rather go back- 
 ward. Mv soul has been serious and comfortable. At 
 
 2 12 
 
484 JOURNAL. [1806 
 
 Mr. Myers's, enjoyed refreshing conversation on the 
 happiness of seeing the conversion of the natives. 
 Preached at night at the Mission church on Matt, 
 iii. 21 — 23. to a small congregation. The people 
 seemed stirred up to serious concern. 
 
 14. Employed with moonshee, and in writing to 
 Mr. Simeon. Dined at Mr. Myers'. Rode out in the 
 evening on the course ; my soul not serious through the 
 day ; irregularity in secret duties injured my peace. 
 
 15. Attended Lord Lake's levee with a prodigious 
 crowd of military officers, &c. It was as trifling as the 
 Governor General's. After the levee, went to Seram- 
 pore. The length of time they took to carry me in the 
 boat, through the mismanagement of the mangee, made 
 my wicked spirit shew itself by impatience. How far 
 the Spirit of God flies from an angry mind ! I did not 
 like being alone, either, though I had the word of God 
 with me. Oh what a preparation is this for being a 
 missionary ! How ease and prosperity spoil the temper, 
 and go to ruin the soul ! In prayer in the afternoon, I 
 breathed for a while after humility, and holiness ; but 
 at night, in conversation with Mr. B. and Mr. Ward, I 
 again discovered a passionate spirit. Lord, save me 
 from presumptuous sins, that they may not after all 
 get the dominion over me. What matters it to me that 
 I seem to engage in plans for the conversion of the 
 heathen, if I do not teach myself! When I considered 
 myself a solitary unconnected being, hastening through 
 the world, I think I was more patient, less self-willed. 
 Have the thoughts of marriage already injured me ? The 
 Lord save his perverse creature from every snare. 
 
 16. Was full of joy and praise this morning, but 
 yielding to the snares of sin afterwards brought a cloud 
 of guilt and shame ; and in the evening, though my 
 conscience was sprinkled with the blood of Jesus, yet I 
 could only walk carefully and mournfully. I never had 
 a more fair opportunity of comparing the pleasures of 
 sin and holiness than this day. In the morning, I was 
 saying to myself, ' Now how sweet and happy is this 
 
1806] JOURNAL. 485 
 
 frame ; can any thing on earth equal it ? Let me see 
 the extreme folly of giving way to sinful thoughts. ' Yet 
 after all this happy experience, and these reasonings, I 
 did give away to certain sinful imaginations, and though 
 it was but as it were for a moment, my joys fled, and I 
 could recover them no more for the day. I bless the 
 Lord that thus he teaches me the evil of sin, and I bless 
 and adore his patience that bears with so much wicked- 
 ness and perverseness. Did little or nothing to-day. 
 Employed partly in turning over Butler, to abridge ; 
 and putting down thoughts on a text. Marshman came 
 in at night, and said so much of the necessity of my 
 remaining at Calcutta, that though I was not nearly 
 convinced, I was made somew^hat uneasy by distraction. 
 Found relief where only I ever find it, in prayer that 
 God would give me that peace which passeth under- 
 standing. It is a pleasure to cease from man whose 
 breath is in his nostrils. 
 
 17. (Sunday.) After much perplexity and discus- 
 sion, whether I should or should not go down to Cal- 
 cutta, it was determined that Mr. B., though ill, should 
 go. In this instance at least I felt no reluctance to 
 labour, and I desired to be forward in the service of God. 
 After officiating at family worship, I retired to my 
 pagoda and passed the time in a sorrowful conflict with 
 my unruly afl^ections. 
 
 18. Employed all day in writing sermon. 
 
 19. Writing and reading with moonshee, but made 
 little advantage of the time ; less under the power of 
 corruption. In the evening had a long conversation 
 with Marshman, on the expediency of my fixing at Cal- 
 cutta, on account of its being the seat of influence. He 
 was very earnest as usual. His arguments are these ; 
 That very many would be probably converted under my 
 ministry : That I should be able to form and perpetuate 
 a society for superintending missions : That the nearness 
 of the Baptist missionaries at Serampore would be of 
 mutual advantage for counsel and encouragement : That 
 there w^ould be a more ready communication with En- 
 
486 JOURNAL. [1806 
 
 gland : That I might be of use in aiding and directing 
 bodies of missionaries, who might be brought to Seram- 
 pore; and that I might more advantageously pursue 
 oriental learning : but that if I went up the country, 
 all my usefulness would be confined to my individual 
 labours ; that it would be two years before I could be 
 understood ; that many more years would elapse before 
 success ; that with all this, I should probably droop and 
 lose my spirits. I was much perplexed, and so excited 
 that I could get little sleep. 
 
 20. Again greatly distressed with a sense of guilt ; 
 Satan seemed to be forcing my soul from God. Em- 
 ployed as usual with moonshee, and in writing sermon. 
 In the evening, in the exercise of faith and prayer, I 
 found peace of conscience, and my soul breathed after 
 conformity to God. Afterwards attended the reading of 
 the Hindoos tanee Testament, by Marshman, with a 
 pundit and a moonshee. 
 
 21. Writing and employed with moonshee. Went 
 on with Marshman and his assistants in the Hindoos- 
 tanee gospels. A large Cobra-di-Capella was brought 
 to me, which had been taken in the walks ; a person 
 would not survive the bite two minutes I was told. 
 How constant is the preserving providence of God ! 
 and by how small means he can suddenly transport us 
 into eternity ! Marshman spent the evening with us. I 
 felt very lively, but as usual at such times, prone to 
 levity. 
 
 22. Disturbed by Marshman and Ward running 
 into the pagoda, in pursuit of a poor boy who had been 
 carried off in a boat by a party of his friends, headed by 
 a Brahmin, for staying with the missionaries, inquiring 
 about the gospel. Their boats overtook the kidnappers, 
 and rescued the lad. Read several papers of Mr. B — 's 
 on missionary subjects, and wrote down a vocabulary 
 of Cashmerian words. Wrote a duplicate of the letter 
 to Lydia. Heard of the arrival of two new missionaries, 
 for which I feel thankful, but found at night that I have 
 very little of a missionary spirit. It is an awful and 
 
1806] JOURNAL. 487 
 
 arduous thing to renounce every affection to earthly 
 things, so as to live for another v^^orld. 
 
 23. Morning employed as usual. In the afternoon 
 went alone to Calcutta. In the boat sought after the 
 presence of God, and found my heart refreshed and 
 comforted. 
 
 24. (Sunday.) At the new church, Mr. Jefferies 
 preached. I preached in the evening on Matt. xi. 28, 
 without much heart, yet the people as attentive as 
 possible. 
 
 25. Called on Mr. Limerick and Mr. Birch ; with the 
 latter I had a good deal of conversation on the practi- 
 cability of establishing schools, and uniting in a society. 
 An officer, who was there, took upon him to call in 
 question the lawfulness of interfering with the religion 
 of the natives, and said that at Delhi the Christians 
 w^ere some of the w^orst people there. I was glad at the 
 prospect of meeting with these Christians. The Lord 
 enabled me to speak boldly to the man, and to silence 
 him. From thence I went to the Governor-General's 
 levee, and received great attention from him, as indeed 
 from most others here. Perhaps it is a snare of Satan to 
 stop my mouth, and make me unwilling to preach faith- 
 fully to them. The Lord have mercy and quicken me 
 to diligence. 
 
 26. Employed all day in writing, and in general 
 dejected, partly from bodily disorder and want of sleep 
 for two or three nights. At night Marshman came, 
 and our conversation w^as very refreshing and profit- 
 able. Truly the love of God is the happiness of the 
 soul ! My soul felt much sweetness at this thought, 
 and breathed after God. At midnight Marshman came 
 to the pagoda, and aw^akened me with the information, 
 that Sir G. Barlow had sent word to Carey, not to dis- 
 perse any more tracts nor send out more native brethren, 
 or in any w^ay interfere with the prejudices of the natives. 
 We did not know what to make of this ; the subject so 
 excited me that I was again deprived of necessary 
 sleep. 
 
488 JOURNAL. [1806 
 
 27. Wrote sermon in the morning ; in the afternoon 
 moonshee came and told me, that at Agra I should not 
 be able to preach, because the English territory was so 
 small and surrounded by the enemy, and that the coun- 
 try was in a disturbed state. He said the best places 
 for me were Benares, Patna, or Moorshedabad ; for these 
 would be disposed to listen to me. He gave me some 
 instances of the cruelty of the native powers, towards 
 servants of the English, and said he did not doubt but 
 they would maim or murder me, without regard to my 
 pacific character. The subject dwelt with some influ- 
 ence on my mind. Alas ! who knows what I have yet 
 to go through upon earth ? It was not long since that a 
 Roman Catholic missionary was murdered at Delhi by the 
 Mussulmans ; yet I hope to preach the gospel there. 
 The Lord knows my weakness, and will give me grace 
 in the trying hour to die for the name of the Lord 
 Jesus. 
 
 28. Enjoyed much comfort in my soul this morn- 
 ing, and ardour for my work ; but afterwards con- 
 sciousness of indolence and unprofitableness made me 
 uneasy. In the evening Mr. Marshman, Ward, Moore, 
 and Rowe, came up and talked with us on the Gover- 
 nor's prohibition of preaching the gospel, &c. Mr. 
 Brown's advice was full of wisdom, and weighed with 
 them all. I was exceedingly excited, and spoke with 
 vehemence against the measures of government, which 
 afterwards filled me justly with shame. (See Memoir, 
 p. 189.) 
 
 29. Passed the morning in writing sermon, after- 
 wards with moonshee ; both morning and evening felt 
 much humbled. I felt a sort of pleasure in being 
 despised and slighted by all mankind. Moonshee was 
 telling me of the danger of preaching in any part of 
 India beyond Benares, where the country had not been 
 long in the possession of the English. I was somewhat 
 intimidated, and dejected at the thought of a violent and 
 cruel death. But oh, how sweet did every comfortable 
 passage in the word of God appear, while reading it 
 
 "^ 
 
1806] LETTER. 489 
 
 under this impression. He is my friend who is exalted 
 as head over all. 
 
 30. Went down to Calcutta in the morning ; able 
 to do little or nothing from constant sleepiness. In the 
 afternoon wrote part of a sermon for to-morrow. The 
 heat of the college, to which we this day removed, was 
 very oppressive. Took an airing with Mr. B. in the car- 
 riage, and drank tea with Mr. Myers. 
 
 31. (Sunday.) Preached in the morning at the 
 new church, on the condemnation of the law, from 
 Rom. iii. 19. There was much solemn attention, and my 
 spirit was lifted up above the concern of men's opinions. 
 That old servant of God, Capt. W., dined with us, and 
 our conversation w^as spiritual. What he said at going 
 away about the Holy Spirit, and the necessity of having 
 him W'ith us, dwelt much upon my mind. At night, at 
 the Mission church, preached on Isaiah iv. 5. The 
 safety of the church had been a subject very delightful 
 and reviving, when preparing ; but I spoke with little 
 feeling. 
 
 Septemhe?^ 1 . Rose very weary after a sleepless night, 
 and more troubled on account of the sinfulness of my 
 thoughts. Found deliverance in prayer ; the holy breath- 
 ings of the Psalmist in Psalm cxix, were also made pro- 
 fitable for me : I learnt that I should probably be sent to 
 Berhampore, only two days' distance from Calcutta. 
 
 Serampore, Sept. 1, 1806. 
 My dearest Lydia, 
 With this you will receive the duplicate of the letter 
 I sent you a month ago, by the overland dispatch. May 
 it find you prepared to come ! All the thoiights and 
 views which I have had of the subject since first address- 
 ing you, add tenfold confirmation to my first opinion ; 
 and I trust that the blessed God will graciously make it 
 appear that I have been acting under a right direction, 
 by giving the precious gift to me and to the church in 
 India. I sometimes regret that I had not obtained a 
 promise from you of following me, at the time of our 
 
490 LETTER. . [1806 
 
 last parting at Gurlyn — as I am occasionally apt to be 
 excessively impatient at the long delay. Many, many 
 months must elapse before I can see you or even hear 
 how you shall determine. The instant your mind is 
 made up, you will send a letter by the overland dis- 
 patch. George will let you know how it is to be pre- 
 pared, as the Company have given some printed direc- 
 tions. It is a consolation to me during this long 
 suspense, that had I engaged with you before my de- 
 parture I should not have had such a satisfactory con- 
 viction of it being the will of God. The commander 
 in chief is in doubt to which of the three following 
 stations he shall appoint me, Benares, Patna, or Moor- 
 shedabad ; it will be the last most probably ; this is 
 only two days journey from Calcutta ; I shall take my 
 departure in about six weeks. In the hour that remains, 
 I must endeavour to write to my dear sister Emma, and 
 to Sally. By the fleet which will sail hence in about 
 two months, they will receive longer letters. You will 
 then, I hope, have left England. I am very happy here 
 in preparing for my delightful work, but I should be 
 happier still if I were sufficiently fluent in the language 
 to be actually employed ; and happiest of all if my be- 
 loved Lydia were at my right hand, counselling and 
 animating me. I am not very willing to end my letter 
 to you ; it is difficult not to prolong the enjoyment of 
 speaking, as it were, to one who occupies so much of my 
 sleeping and waking hours ; but here, alas ! I am aware 
 of danger ; and my dear Lydia will, I hope, pray that 
 her unworthy friend may love no creature inordinately. 
 It will be base in me to depart in heart from a God 
 of such love as I find him to be. • Oh that I could make 
 some returns for the riches of his love ! Swiftly fly the 
 hours of life away, and then we shall be admitted to be- 
 hold his glory. The ages of darkness are rolling fast 
 away, and shall soon usher in the gospel period when 
 the whole world shall be filled with his glory. Oh my 
 beloved sister and friend, dear to me on ev^,-y ac- 
 count, but dearest of all for having one heart and one 
 
1806] JOURNAL. 491 
 
 soul with me in the cause of Jesus and the love of 
 God, let us pray and rejoice, and rejoice and pray, that 
 God may he glorified, and the dying Saviour see of the 
 travail of his soul. May the God of hope fill us with 
 all joy and peace in believing, that we may both of us 
 abound in hope through the power of the Holy Ghost. 
 Now, my dearest Lydia, I cannot say what I feel — I 
 cannot pour out my soul — I could not if you were here ; 
 but I pray that you may love me, if it be the will of 
 God ; and I pray that God may make you more and 
 more his child, and give me more and more love for all 
 that is Godlike and holy. 
 
 I remain, with fervent affection, 
 
 Yours, in eternal bonds, 
 
 H. Martyn. 
 
 2. Employed the first part of the day in writing 
 letters to England. My heart seemed to be kindled with 
 love to God while writing to Lydia, but I know not how 
 far it was pure. Afterwards with moonshee. 
 
 3. Much of the morning passed at the mission 
 house, looking over the new books-. Read the Report 
 of the Church Missionary Society, and a number of 
 missionary reports. Attended Marshman in the even- 
 ing ; he talked to me a good deal of the jealousies and 
 envies of the different missionary societies, till I was 
 quite harassed, and even disgusted with the accounts. 
 Oh what mischief to the cause of God will Satan pro- 
 duce from this ! Oh how tiresome it is to look to men, 
 and think of men, and their plans ! Oh let me walk 
 more and more alone with the holy God, and in his 
 light and love walk humbly in the appointed path 
 through the world, and long to depart and be with 
 Christ, which is far better ! 
 
 4. Tried with violent temptation. I can see no fit 
 emblem of my soul, but the burning bush. I may well 
 be amazed, at the close of each day, that I am not given 
 up to the power of Satan and sin. God inwardly sup- 
 ports my soul, and Christ fulfils his precious word ; " my 
 
492 JOURNAL. [1806 
 
 grace is sufficient for thee." Passed the morning with 
 moonshee, reading preface to the Guhstan. Began in 
 the afternoon to write to dear Sargent. Had much dis- 
 cussion with moonshee about religion. Heard at night 
 from Mr. B. that some people were much stung with 
 what they heard from me on the last Lord's day. 
 Would that they were pricked to the heart and would cry 
 for mercy ! I feel them to be much upon my heart ; and 
 oh that I had love to cry for them more fervently ! 
 
 5. Day passed in the same employment as usual ; 
 reading Hindoostanee with moonshee and by myself, and 
 writing to Sargent ; went on wdth Marsh man in the 
 review of the translation ; he drank tea with us in the 
 evening. 
 
 6. Morning with moonshee ; in the afternoon went 
 down to Calcutta, reading to him by the way. Found 
 continuance and increase in comfort by frequency and 
 regularity in prayer. At night dined at Mr. Udney's, 
 and passed the time very agreeably ; his heart seemed 
 very lively and warm in the cause of God. 
 
 7. (Sunday.) Read at the new church, and Dr. W. 
 preached on the different degrees of future happiness, 
 from which he proceeded to attack my doctrines, and my 
 last sermon in particular. We received the sacrament 
 of the Lord's Supper, and I w^as glad of the blessed 
 ordinance, as it tended much to compose my mind, and 
 to soften it to compassion and love towards all mankind. 
 Preached at night at the Mission church, on Mark 
 viii. 34, 35. 
 
 8. Left Calcutta before day, and went to Seram- 
 pore. Was exceedingly oppressed in my spirits, that 
 the cause of Satan and lies should be suffered to prevail. 
 At night, my soul found it solemnizing and composing 
 to view death near at hand. Alas ! how insignificant, 
 how short-lived are the cares of men, the opposition of 
 the enemies of the churchy and the sufferings she un- 
 dergoes ! 
 
 9. Continued to read Overton, and Sadee with 
 moonshee : the latter part of the day my soul was in 
 
1806] JOURNAL. 493 
 
 misery through consciousness of guilt. Oh that I should 
 be so wicked as to try the patience of God in the way 
 I do ! Notwithstanding that I found some ease in apply- 
 ing to the blood of Jesus, and crying for the Holy 
 regenerating Spirit, a gloom constantly gathered on my 
 mind ; no sweet refreshing thoughts of the other world 
 came into my mind ; what reason have I to cry, " Take 
 not thy Holy Spirit from me." 
 
 10. Went down to Calcutta with Mr. B. and passed 
 the day in reading Hindoostanee grammar, and writing 
 letters. 
 
 1 1 . Came up to Serampore in the morning. Two 
 of the missionaries came at night, and talked with us a 
 long time, till late, about their plans, &c. in conse- 
 quence of the police having ordered the two new mis- 
 sionaries to return home. I was quite wearied with 
 hearing of religion only in its outward circumstances, 
 and longed to hear a word from a broken-hearted soul, 
 who had never heard the name of mission. 
 
 12. In a sorrowful state of mind, arising more from 
 bodily causes than inward conflict ; and therefore my 
 soul found more pleasure in God than in any person or 
 thing. Even about Lydia I felt exceedingly indifferent, 
 and wished only to fulfil as a hireling my day, and then 
 to bid adieu to a world so full of vanity and vexation of 
 spirit. Employed all day in writing letters ; Marshman 
 and Captain Wickes dined with us, but I had no inclina- 
 tion to join in the conversation. Oh how much talking 
 is there to little purpose ! I am tired with specula- 
 tions, and making remarks upon missionary things ; I 
 want to be doing, and not till then shall I be 
 satisfied. 
 
 13. Went down to Calcutta with Mr. B. and Mrs. 
 Myers. By reading and thinking a little on Psalm cxlv. 
 my soul was kindled into more love and joy than I 
 generally experience ; and our conversation was in some 
 degree spiritual and refreshing. Heard of the arrival of 
 Corrie and Parsons at Madras, and of my appointment to 
 Dinapore. In the evening rode out with Mr. B., and af- 
 
494 LETTER. [1806 
 
 terwards drank tea with two of the missionaries and 
 their wives at Mr. Myers'. Some symptoms of a com- 
 plaint, which at this time of the year is dangerous, were 
 the means of producing serious reflection on my being 
 in an instant called aw^ay from all these things which so 
 strongly excite my feelings. *' Let your moderation be 
 known unto all men : the Lord is at hand." 
 
 14. (Sunday.) Rose stupid and unwell after a sleep- 
 less night. At the New Church Mr. J. began to read a 
 homily by way of sermon, after a preface stating the di- 
 versity of opinions that had of late appeared in the 
 pulpit. At the Mission Church at night I felt very un- 
 well, and unfit to preach, but I was enabled to go on 
 without hesitation from 2 Cor. vi. 17, 18. 
 
 Sept. 14, 1806. 
 My Dear Sargent, 
 It is now four months since I landed in this country, 
 but I have seen little more of it than what lies between 
 Serampore and Calcutta ; and the little time that can be 
 spent out of doors affords very small opportunities of 
 acquiring local knowledge. My whole employment is 
 preparing sermons and learning the language. ^ ^ 
 
 I have grievous complaints to make, that the immense 
 work of translating the services into the language of the 
 East is left to Dissenters, who cannot in ten years supply 
 the want of what we gain by a classical education * 
 
 * * ^ Suppose D. F. &c. would devote ten or 
 
 fifteen years of their lives in this country to the sole work of 
 getting the Scriptures translated into some of the lan- 
 guages of the East, they might accomplish it easily, and 
 they would very soon be able to superintend the learned 
 natives who should be employed in the work. Were not 
 the zeal of our forefathers almost evaporated in these 
 times, a body of pious and learned young clergymen 
 would come forth with joy to so glorious a work "^ ^ 
 ### ####^ You 
 
 address me as a missionary, and as if there were hard- 
 
1806] JOURNAL. 495 
 
 ships in my way — externally there are none, except 
 temptations may be called so, as perhaps they ought to 
 be. The air is so soft and serene that you might sleep 
 at night under a tree, and maintenance so easy that a 
 wholesome meal may be purchased for a farthing or 
 
 two. #### ###:j^ 
 
 I am this day appointed to Dinapore, in the neighbour- 
 hood of Patna. 
 
 With great regard, I remain, my dear brother. 
 
 Sincerely your's, 
 
 H. M. 
 
 15. Still unwell, and found it hard to fix my 
 thoughts in prayer. My heart was wounded again at 
 finding the necessity of tearing the affections away from 
 the creature. Oh what a state is human life become 
 from the corruption of the heart ! If affliction be our 
 lot, the soul must pause at the pain ; if otherwise, the 
 heart cleaves to an idol, and then causes the pain of se- 
 paration. Called with Mr. B. on Mr. Udney, then went 
 up with him to Serampore, and passed much of the af- 
 ternoon in reading with him a series of newspapers from 
 England. How affecting to think, how the fashion of 
 this world passeth away ! What should I do without 
 Christ as an everlasting portion ! How vain i§ life, 
 how mournful is death, and what is eternity without 
 Christ ! In the evening Marshman and Ward came 
 to us. By endeavouring to recollect myself as be- 
 fore God, I found more comfort, and was enabled to 
 shew more propriety in conversation. 
 
 16. Passed the day with moonshee in Hindoostanee 
 and writing sermon. In the evening wrote to Lydia. 
 
 17. The blaze of a funeral pile this morning near the 
 pagoda drew my attention — I ran out, but the unfor- 
 tunate woman had committed herself to the flames before 
 I arrived. The remains of the two bodies were visible. 
 At night, while I was at the missionaries', Mr. Chamber- 
 lain arrived from up the country. Just as we rejoiced at 
 the thought of seeing him and his wife, we found she had 
 
496 JOURNAL. [1806 
 
 died in the boat ! I do not know when I was so shocked ; 
 my soul revolted at every thing in this world, which 
 God has so marked with misery — the effect of sin. I felt 
 reluctance to engage in every worldly connection . Mar- 
 riage seemed terrible ! by exposing one to the agonizing 
 sight of a wife dying in such circumstances. 
 
 18. Was still solemnly impressed throughout the 
 day. Employed in writing sermon and reading Sadi 
 with moonshee. 
 
 19. Happy all day in the love of God. By more 
 carefulness over my thoughts, and seeking him in ejacu- 
 lations, I was raised through grace above temptation. 
 
 20. Went down to Calcutta with Mr. Brown, where 
 soon after our arrival we had the happiness of meeting 
 our dear brethren Corrie and Parsons. I rode out with 
 them in the evening on the course, and passed most of 
 the time in conversation about European friends. 
 
 21. (Sunday.) Preached at the New Church from 
 Rom. iii. 19, 21, on justification by faith, and vindi- 
 cated myself by shewing that all that I had advanced 
 was agreeable to the Church of England. The sermon 
 had the effect of convincing, or at least, of shutting the 
 mouths of gain-sayers. The Lord enabled me to feel 
 what I told them, when I said, " To me it is a small 
 matter to be judged of you or of man's judgment." I 
 felt great indifference about every thing in the world. 
 At night preached on Acts xii. the jailor's question ; 
 but felt less than I ever did when preaching on that sub- 
 ject. Thus God in love shews his ignorant and vain 
 creature that it is " Not by might, nor by power, but by 
 my Spirit." After church my soul was full of joy and 
 love, especially when three of the missionaries joined us. 
 I longed that we might have no conversation but what 
 was spiritual. 
 
 22. Went with my two brethren to the fort, and 
 called in the town on Major and Mr. Jefferies. Saw in 
 the orderly book, that Dr. W. and myself were ordered 
 to repair to our respective stations without delay. After 
 dinner went up to Serampore, leaving Parsons in Cal- 
 
1806] LETTER. 497 
 
 cutta. Two of the missionaries went up with us. I 
 earnestly desired suitable conversation ; and we sung 
 some hymns with joy. 
 
 23. Reading Sadi with moonshee. My mind in 
 general in peace. 
 
 24. Went down to Calcutta with Mr. Brow^n and 
 Corrie, and found letters. My affections of love and joy 
 were so excited by them that it was almost too much for 
 my poor frame. My dearest Lydia's assurances of her 
 love were grateful enough to my heart — but they left 
 somewhat of a sorrowful effect, occasioned I believe 
 chiefly from a fear of her suffering in any degree, and 
 partly from the long time and distance that separate us, 
 and uncertainty if ever we shall be permitted to meet 
 one another in this world. In the evening the Lord gave 
 me near and close and sweet communion with him on 
 this subject, and enabled me to commit the affair with 
 comfort into his hands. Why did I ever doubt his 
 love ? Does He not love us far better than we love one 
 another? Called this morning on L., but found no op- 
 portunity of speaking to him as I intended about his 
 doctrines. Walked in the evening on the top of the 
 house with Corrie, and had some refreshing conversa- 
 tion. At the Mission church. Brown preached. 
 
 25. Went to Serampore with Mr. B. and Parsons ; in 
 the afternoon read with moonshee ; enjoyed much of the 
 solemn presence of God, the whole day had many happy 
 seasons in prayer, and felt strengthened for the work ot 
 a missionary, which is speedily to begin ; blessed be 
 God ! My friends are alarmed about the solitariness of 
 my future life, and my tendency to melancholy ; but, oh 
 my dearest Lord ! thou art with me, thy rod and thy 
 staff they comfort me. I go on thine errand — and I 
 know that thou art and wilt be with me. How easily 
 canst thou support and refresh my heart. Ward and 
 Moore visited me at night. 
 
 2 K 
 
498 LETTER. [1806 
 
 Serampore, Sept. 1806. 
 
 How earnestly do I long for the arrival of my dearest 
 Lydia. Though it may prove at last no more than a 
 waking dream that I ever expected to receive you in 
 India, the hope is too pleasing not to be cherished till I 
 am forbidden any longer to hope. Till I am assured of 
 the contrary, I shall find a pleasure in addressing you as 
 my own. If you are not to be mine you will pardon me ; 
 but my expectations are greatly encouraged by the words 
 you used when we parted at Gurlyn, that I had better 
 go out free, implying as I thought, that you would not be 
 unwilling to follow me if I should see it to be the will of 
 God to make the request. I was rejoiced also to see in 
 your letter that you unite your name with mine when 
 you pray that God would keep us both in the path of 
 duty — from this I infer that you are by no means deter- 
 mined to remain separate from me. You will not sup- 
 pose, my dear Lydia, that I mention these little things to 
 influence your conduct, or to implicate you in an en- 
 gagement. — No, I acknowledge that you are perfectly 
 free — and I have no doubt that you will act as the love 
 and wisdom of our God shall direct. Your heart is far 
 less interested in this business than mine, in all proba- 
 bility ; and this on one account I do not regret, as you 
 will be able to see more clearly the directions of God's 
 Providence. About a fortnight ago I sent you a letter 
 accompanying the duplicate of the one sent over-land in 
 August. If these shall have arrived safe, you will perhaps 
 have left England before this reaches it. But if not, let 
 me intreat you to delay not a moment. Yet how will 
 my dear sister Emma be able to part with you and 
 George — but above all your mother ? I feel very much 
 for you and for them — but I have no doubt at all about 
 your health and happiness in this country. 
 
 The commander-in-chief has at last appointed me to 
 the station of Dinapore, near Patna, and I shall accord- 
 ingly take my departure for that place as soon as I can 
 make the necessary preparations. It is not exactly the 
 situation I wished for — though in a temporal point of 
 
1806] LETTER. 499 
 
 view it is desirable enough. The air is good, the living 
 cheap, the salary 1000/. a year — and there is a large 
 body of English troops there. But I should have pre- 
 ferred being near Benares, the heart of Hindooism. 
 We rejoice to hear that two other brethren are arrived at 
 Madras on their way to Bengal, sent, I trust, by the Lord 
 to co-operate in overturning the kingdom of Satan in 
 these regions. They are Corrieand Parsons, both Bengal 
 chaplains. Their stations will be Benares and Moor- 
 shedabed — one on one side of me, and the other on the 
 other. There are also now ten Baptist missionaries 
 at Serampore. Surely good is intended for this 
 country ! 
 
 Captain Wickes, — the good old Captain Wickes, who 
 has brought out so many missionaries to India, is now 
 here. He reminds me of Uncle S. I have been just in- 
 terrupted by the blaze of a funeral pile, within a hundred 
 yards of my pagoda — I ran out — but the wretched wo- 
 man had consigned herself to the flames before I reached 
 the spot — and I saw only the remains of her and her 
 husband. O Lord, how long shall it be ? 1 shall 
 have no rest in my spirit till my tongue is loosed to tes- 
 tify against the devil, and deliver the message of God to 
 these his unhappy bond-slaves. I stammered out some- 
 thing to the wicked Brahmins about the judgments of 
 God upon them for the murder they had just committed, 
 but they said it was an act of her own freewill. Some of 
 the missionaries would have been there, but they are for- 
 bidden by the governor-general to preach to the natives 
 in the British territory. Unless this prohibition is re- 
 voked by an order from home it will amount to a total 
 suppression of the mission. 
 
 I know of nothing else that will give you a further 
 idea of the state of things here. The two ministers con- 
 tinue to oppose my doctrines with unabated virulence ; 
 but they think not that they fight against God. My 
 own heart is at present cold and slothful. Oh that my 
 soul did burn with love and zeal ! Surely, were you 
 here I should act with more cheerfulness and activity 
 
 2 K 2 "^ 
 
500 JOURNAL. [1806 
 
 with so bright a pattern before me. If Corrie brings me 
 a letter from you, and the fleet is not sailed, which how- 
 ever is not likely, I shall write to you again. Colonel 
 Sandys will receive a letter from me and Mr. Brown by 
 this fleet. Continue to remember me in your prayers, 
 as a weak brother — I shall always think of you as one to 
 be loved and honoured. 
 
 H. Martyn. 
 
 26. Employed as usual in Hindoostanee ; visited 
 Marshman at night. He and Mr. Carey sat with us in 
 the evening. My heart still continuing some degree of 
 watchfulness, but enjoying less sweetness. 
 
 27. Mr. Chamberlain breakfasted with us ; I was 
 much and agreeably surprised with his Christian simpli- 
 city and remarkable zeal. He talked to us a good deal 
 in an encouraging and instructive manner ; spoke also to 
 Yokul in Bengallee. Went down to Calcutta with Mr. B. 
 and Parson, reading Sadi by the way. By irregularity in 
 prayer and reading, lost much of my comfort. Rode 
 out on the course in the evening with Parsons, and had 
 some useful conversation with him. 
 
 28. (Sunday.) Read the service at the church ; L. 
 preached an intemperate sermon against the doctrine of 
 justification by faith. At night Corrie preached at the 
 Mission Church on 2 Thess. i. *' the Lord Jesus shall be 
 revealed," &c. 
 
 29. Morning passed away to little purpose, busy in 
 making preparations for my departure. In the afternoon 
 preparing sermon. At night went to the governor- 
 general's dinner, and found myself sitting by the side of 
 Dr. W. 
 
 30. Remained all day at Calcutta, writing sermon and 
 reading with moonshee. 
 
 October 1. Reading with moonshee and preparing 
 sermon ; found great cause to pray for brotherly love. 
 Preached at night at the Mission Church on Eph. ii. 4. 
 Had a very refreshing conversation with Corrie after-; 
 wards ; we wished it to be for the benefit of two cadets,^ 
 
1806] JOURNAL. 501 
 
 who supped with us, and I hope it will not be in vain. 
 May the Lord be pleased to make me act with a single 
 eye to his glory. How easy it is to preach about Christ 
 Jesus the Lord, and yet to preach oneself. 
 
 2. After reading awhile with moon shee, w^ent up to 
 Serampore with Mr. B. and Corrie. Corrie officiated 
 at evening w^orship ; my soul in general sought after the 
 enjoyments of another world, in preference to any con- 
 versation with the creature, but w^as cold and lifeless in 
 the glorious subject of the mission. 
 
 3. Writing on a divine subject. In the evening 
 crossed the river with Corrie, and walked over Sir G. 
 Barlow's park. 
 
 4. Went to Calcutta with Corrie, and at night went 
 with him to Mr. Rolt's, w^here w^e met a party of the mis- 
 sionaries ; we sang several hymns and prayed ; my heart 
 was excit^ed by their exercises to spiritual activity 
 and joy. 
 
 5. Prayed with my dear brother Corrie this morning ; 
 afterwards with two cadets he prayed. At the New 
 Church I read, and Mr. J. preached 2nd and 3rd parts of 
 the Homily on Salvation. The very clear exhibition of 
 divine truth, which w^as thus exhibited, was very rejoic- 
 ing to our hearts. I assisted Mr. L. at the administra- 
 tion of the Sacrament, and felt somewhat more of a 
 tender and humble spirit. At night Corrie preached in- 
 stead of Parsons, on John ii. 1, 2. During the whole of 
 this evening's ordinance my soul felt the greatness and 
 glory of God. How little did 1 ever know^ of his great 
 glory ! with what irreverence do we pray, and speak the 
 awful name ! My soul was astonished at the patience of 
 God in bearing such insults as he must do from the 
 best. But all the salvation of men is a miracle of grace ; 
 God will shew what he can do by Jesus Christ. 
 
 6. Was left alone in Calcutta, and passed the time 
 with moonshee, and writing. At night drank tea at 
 Mr. Myers, and at their evening worship found my 
 heart greatly enlarged in prayer. My heart continued to 
 enjoy much of the love of God. In the morning went 
 
502 JOURNAL. [1806 
 
 to the levee with Corrie and Parsons. The governor- 
 general was as marked in his attention as could be :' 
 would that it were on account of his love to the truth ! 
 
 7. Employed as usual ; long conversations with the 
 Mussulman, moonshee, and Bholanath the Brahmin. 
 Dined at Mr. Myers', and officiated at family worship. 
 Went on board some budgerows, and fixed on one 
 belonging to Patna. 
 
 8. My time much taken up with settling my affairs, 
 though my mind through mercy not much distracted. 
 Corrie and Parsons came from Serampore. At night I 
 preached at the Mission Church, on Isaiah lii. 7. " How 
 beautiful on the mountains, &c." Was much grieved 
 and ashamed at the extreme coldness with which I could 
 speak on so precious and delightful a text. We had 
 some useful conversation after church with the cadets 
 at supper ; and after they were gone, we endeavoured 
 to fix on some plan of constant communication with 
 one another. 
 
 9. Went to Serampore with Parsons and Corrie. 
 
 10. For want of sleep was dull and dejected all 
 the day, yet by grace enabled to strive against the sin 
 which dwelleth in my members, so as to be in tolerable 
 peace. At night the missionaries, &c. met us at the 
 pagoda for the purpose of commending me to the grace 
 of God. (See Memoir, p. 191.) 
 
 1 1 . Went down early to Calcutta. Passed the 
 morning in preparing things. Spent the evening at 
 Mr. Myers's. Mr. M. read and prayed, and concluded 
 with prayer. The blessed God, &c. (See Mem. p. 191.) 
 
 12. (Sunday.) Corrie preached at the New Church, 
 on Gal. vi. 14. ** God forbid that I should glory," &c. — 
 God be praised for another noble witness to his truth. 
 Oh may abundant gifts and grace rest on my beloved 
 brother, that the works of God may shew themselves 
 forth in him. Mr. Edmond came to take leave, and 
 shewed me some letters from some pious soldiers, sta- 
 tioned at Muttra and C awn pore. The awful fall of one 
 of them occasioned a melancholy apprehension in my 
 
1806] JOURNAL. 503 
 
 own soul, lest I also should fall into the same con- 
 demnation. Lord save thy servant from presumptuous 
 sins. At night I took my leave of the saints in Cal- 
 cutta in a sermon on Acts xx. 32. But how very far 
 from being in spirit like the great Apostle ! After pass- 
 ing much of the day in visiting shops and taking leave of 
 friends, I went up by land to Barrackpore with Mr. 
 Brown, happy in general. 
 
 14. Wasted much time in insignificant preparation. 
 Corrie came to me in the afternoon at the pagoda and 
 prayed with me. 
 
 15. Took my leave of the family at Aldeen in 
 morning worship ; but I have always found my heart 
 most unable to be tender and solemn, when occa- 
 sions most require it. At eleven I set off in a budgerow 
 with Mr. B. Corrie, and Parsons. Marshman saw us 
 as we passed the mission house and could not help 
 coming aboard. He dined with us, and after going 
 on a little way left us with a prayer. About sun-set 
 w^e landed at the house of the former French Governor, 
 and walked five miles through villages to Chandernagore, 
 where we waited at an hotel till the boats came up. 
 With the French host I found a liberty I could not 
 have hoped for in his language, and was so enabled to 
 preach the gospel to him. There are two Italian monks 
 in this place, w^ho say mass every day. I wished much 
 to visit the fathers, if there had been time. A person 
 of Calcutta, here for his health, troubled us with his 
 profaneness, but we did not let him go unwarned, nor 
 kept back the counsel of God. At night in the budge- 
 row I prayed with my dear brethren. 
 
 16. Rose somewhat dejected, and walked on to 
 Chinsurah, the Dutch settlement, about three miles. 
 There we breakfasted, and dined with Mr. Forsyth, the 
 missionary. We all enjoyed great happiness in the pre- 
 sence and blessing of our God. Mr. Forsyth came on 
 with us from Chinsurah, till we stopped at sun-set oppo- 
 site Bandell, a Portuguese settlement, and then we had 
 divine service. I prayed and found my heart greatly 
 
504 LETTER. [1806 
 
 enlarged. After his departure our conversation was 
 suitable and spiritual. How sweet is prayer to my soul 
 at this time. I seem as if I never could be tired, not 
 only of spiritual joys, but of spiritual employments, 
 since they are now the same. 
 
 17. My dear brethren, on account of the bad wea- 
 ther, were obliged to leave me to-day. So we spent 
 the whole morning, &c. (See Mem. p. 193.) In prayer 
 I was very far from a state of seriousness and affection. 
 Indeed I have often remarked, that I have never yet 
 prayed comfortably with friends, when it has been pre- 
 ceded by a chapter of the Revelation, Perhaps because I 
 depend too much on the feelings which the imagery of 
 that book excites, instead of putting myself into the 
 hands of the Spirit, the only author of the prayer of 
 faith. They went away in their boat, and I was left 
 alone for the first time, with none but natives. (See 
 Mem. p. 193, to Oct. 23, p. 198.) 
 
 23. Dispatched my hirkaru to Cutwa, to give 
 notice of my arrival to Mr. Chamberlain. In the even- 
 ing arrived there, and spent some hours at his house, 
 built of bamboo, in the centre of a solitary garden. 
 Every thing was calculated to inspire melancholy. He 
 had evening worship in Bengalee, with two converted 
 natives, and wdth his servant and mine. I received from 
 him Ram Boshoo's tract against the Brahmins, and a 
 Bengalee hymn book. iVt night he w^alked with me to my 
 budgerow. After breakfast he read and prayed ; he 
 gave me a particular account of his own call to the work 
 of a missionary. Before we parted in the afternoon, we 
 sung, and I prayed. As we were approaching the place 
 where he intended, after leaving me, to preach, the tow- 
 rope broke, and we were carried down the stream, &c. 
 (See Mem. p. 198—218.) 
 
 Berhampore, Oct. 27, 1806. 
 My dear Sir, 
 I have enjoyed uninterrupted health and spirits 
 through divine mercy till to-day. * * Why did not 
 
*•• 
 
 1806] LETTER. 505 
 
 t write from Gazipore ? Why because, Sir, I could 
 hear of no such place. I was rather anxious about your 
 little boat the day you left me, it blew so violently. As 
 soon as you were out of sight, the men laid down the 
 rope, and would not track any more for the day. They 
 were about to put back into a nulla, but found that pre- 
 occupied by so many boats, that we were obliged to lie 
 on the naked shore, exposed to the direct stream and 
 wind. The budgerow made a good deal of water by 
 beating about on the ground, but I am happy to say, 
 she has not leaked since. 
 
 18. The day after lay to in a nulla, a little above 
 Troksaugur. 
 
 19. The first solitary sabbath spent among the hea- 
 then, but my soul not forsaken of God. I think some 
 of you were praying for me that day, for I enjoyed 
 almost the same communion with you, as if you were 
 present. 
 
 20. At a village which the boatmen said was Nud- 
 dea, (which could not be if the map is right, in placing 
 it the other side of the river,) I had some stammering 
 conversation with a Brahmin at the worship of Dhoorga. 
 He disputed with great heat, and his tongue ran faster 
 than I could follow, while the people that were about us 
 shouted applause. But I continued to ask questions 
 without making any remarks upon the answers, and 
 among the rest, could not help enquiring whether 
 Marshman's stories about Krishnoo and Brimha stealing 
 the horse, &c. were true. He confessed the truth of 
 them, and seemed to feel the consequences which I for- 
 bore to press, but told him of the way of the gospel. 
 He grew quite mild, and asked me at last with apparent 
 seriousness what I thought? Was idol worship really 
 true or false ? 
 
 21 . Came to at a desert place on the eastern bank. 
 
 22. In my morning walk, the musalchee brought 
 an old fisherman to, and was about with all arrogance 
 to make a requisition of his fish without paying for 
 them. The old man was overjoyed at receiving money. 
 
506 LETTER. [1806 
 
 I recollected your advice, and threatened to send them 
 all to prison, if I found out any thing of the sort again. 
 Passed through a number of boats preparing to com- 
 mit the effigies of Dhoorga to the water. Came to for 
 the night near Agaradeep, where I walked. The women 
 and children fled at the sight of me. 
 
 23. Dispatched my hirkaru to Cutwa, to announce 
 my approach to Mr. Chamberlain, and in the evening 
 arrived there myself. The curious appearance of the 
 interior of his bamboo house, seemed to mark it for the 
 residence of a recluse. In the garden behind there was 
 a white circular building. I asked, What is that? The 
 tomb of my first dear wife.* I strenuously recommended 
 him to demolish it. 
 
 24. Mr. Chamberlain came on with me to a village 
 called Serampore. We passed the time in reading and 
 mutual prayers for one another, and for you all. Thus 
 once more I received that refreshment of spirit which 
 comes from the blessing of God on Christian commu- 
 nion. Just before we parted the tow-rope broke. We 
 vv^ere carried down with great rapidity, running foul of 
 several boats, none of w^hich however would lend any 
 help. The mangee and his assistant at last jumped 
 overboard, and succeeded in reaching the shore with the 
 rope. I thought there was great danger, and therefore 
 saw reason to bless God for the deliverance. 
 
 25. Returning to the boat rather later than usual, 
 from the evening walk, saw a wild boar galloping 
 parallel to the river. I had not a gun with me, or I might 
 have killed him, as he was within reach of a fusee ball. 
 
 26. Yesterday I again enjoyed a happy sabbath. 
 Through the difl*erent hours of the day, I was with you 
 in spirit, and particularly remembered Mr. Jefferies. 
 All I suppose are still looking anxiously to him. 
 
 Tell Marshman, with my affectionate remembrances, 
 that I have seriously begun the Sanscrit Grammar, but 
 cannot say whereabouts I am in it, being env^eloped at 
 present in a thick cloud, occasioned by the counter ope- 
 rations of Goor, Ouddhi, Loop, Lop, Look, &c. with the 
 
1806] LETTER. 507 
 
 exceptions, limitations, anomalies, &c. If the myste- 
 ries I meet with should not clear up, I shall trouble him 
 with a question or two respecting them. 
 
 In the tract in the Persian character, I have found the 
 inclosed errata, which I thought it right to send to Mr. 
 Ward. With the moonshee I have began to translate 
 the Acts, in order to give him* some employment when 
 away from me. I wish Mr. Marshman w^ould say whe- 
 ther this man can be of any use in going on with the 
 Arabic Hindoo translation, and if so, whether he shall 
 proceed w^th the Acts and Epistles, or take some part 
 of the Old Testament. 
 
 The servants continue sufficiently attentive. The 
 goat yields milk enough for breakfast, and more is pro- 
 cured every day from the shore. The toast and biscuits 
 are still good. Two kids were met with at Cutva. 
 Besides that, my gun supplies me with snipes, minas, 
 &c. enough to make a change with the curry. 
 
 28. Last evening after writing the above, I looked 
 round the cantonments and walked into the hospital. 
 While I was talking to one of the sick a surgeon en- 
 tered. Not knowing what he might think of it, I went 
 up and made a speech. I did not know him, but I was 
 immediately recognised by my old schoolfellow and 
 townsman, Marshall, for whom I had brought letters. 
 This morning T went at daylight, in hopes of getting the 
 men together to preach to them, but after wandering 
 through the wards of the hospital, I could not make 
 them rise and assemble. But as Marshall says that at 
 nine they will be together, I think it right to wait till 
 then. In the mean time, let me chide you for letting 
 me find no letter from you at the dak-house. * * 
 
 Berhampore, with respect to appearance at least, is 
 the finest thing I have seen in India. After waiting 
 till eleven I can get no permission, and so I go on my 
 way. Remember me most affectionately to all. 
 
 I remain, your's most truly, 
 
 H. Martyn. 
 To Ilia Rev. P. BroivN, Calcutta. 
 
508 LETTERS. [1806 
 
 Rajemahl, November 8, 1806. 
 My dear Sir, 
 
 At Jungypoor I found Mr. C 's letter, and re- 
 ceived another from Mr. R , the commercial resi- 
 dent there, offering his assistance, and inviting me to 
 spend the day with him. Accordingly I called upon 
 him, intending to be guided by circumstances, but found 
 his conversation so much less cordial than his letter, that 
 I concluded his invitation must have been purely a form, 
 and so after staying two hours to say all I could, I took 
 my leave. On Sunday, November 2, we entered the 
 Ganges, and arrived at Chandny on Monday. I found 
 Messrs EUerton and Grant, and went up with them the 
 next day to Gomalty, stopping by the way to look at 
 one of their schools. The cheerful faces of the little 
 boys sitting cross-legged on their mats round the floor, 
 much delighted me. While they displayed their powers 
 of reading, their fathers, mothers, &c. crowded in great 
 numbers round the door and windows. 
 
 Thursday I baptised Mr. C 's child, preached and 
 
 administered the Sacrament. Sir H. V. D. who was 
 godfather, stayed to hear the sermon, but did not com- 
 municate. I found no opportunity of a private conver- 
 sation with him, though I sought it. Friday I left 
 Gomalty with Mr. Grant, who is now in the budgerow 
 with me, and to-day we arrived at Rajemahl. 
 
 Your letter, together with Parson's and Corrie's, 
 reached me at a time when I needed spiritual refresh- 
 ment, and they had the effect of reviving my heart. I 
 hope that our God is making our faith and love to grow 
 exceedingly. Glory be to his name, that he is with us 
 too in India. We may surely hope that something good 
 is near at hand for the heathen. But I am somewhat 
 surprised at the extraordinary fear and unwillingness of 
 the people to take the tracts. I have at this place again 
 met with a rebuff. Only one person, a Brahmin, would 
 take a tract, and he, I believe, chiefly from respect to 
 Mr. Grant. The Dawk moonshee, when he found what 
 it was about, returned the tract he had received, saying 
 
1806] LETTERS. 509 
 
 that a person, who had his legs in two different boats, 
 went on his w^ay uncomfortably. 
 
 I wished for more particulars about Jefferies' sermon. 
 I wish much to see Buchanan's letter. There is a box 
 of books in a corner of the room I inhabited at the col- 
 lege for Elliott I believe ; will you be so good as to for- 
 ward it. We must stay no longer. With much affec- 
 tion for you all, 
 
 I remain, my dear Sir, 
 
 Your's in the best of bonds, 
 
 H. Martyn. 
 To the Rev, D. Btvwn, Calcutta. 
 
 MorighiVj November l7i 1806. 
 My dear Sir, 
 I am now within eight days of my journey's end, and 
 blessed be God, in perfect health and spirits. This 
 mode of travelling is so very agreeable, that I could 
 almost wish I had farther to go. At the different vil- 
 lages through which I have passed, I have never been 
 able to leave a tract, except by forcing one or two upon 
 a man, till Saturday at Jangheera when I stood in the 
 bazaar and gave aw^ay a good many. Last night at 
 another village finding as usual that no one could read, 
 I inquired if there was no Brahmin^There was, but he 
 was gone to another town — Then give him these when he 
 comes back, said I, putting into his hand a few tracts. 
 This morning we visited the hot spring in our way to 
 this place. After examining the w^aters and listening 
 with due attention to the legendary tale, I felt a desire of 
 leading some of these lame and impotent folk to our 
 Bethesda, and so began to question the Surdar Brahmir; ; 
 but they all spoke a language different from mine. I 
 see from this, and numberless other instances that I shall 
 have almost a new^ language to learn, in order to be in- 
 telligible to the low^er Hindoos. But to return ; not find- 
 ing utterance I began to speak to them by means of 
 Marsh man's paper, and gave away a great number of 
 
510 JOURNAL. [1806 
 
 tracts. They followed me to the budgerow, and there I 
 gave some Testaments. My fame arrived here before me, 
 and some men had travelled on from the spring, having 
 heard that Sahib was giving away copies of the Ra- 
 mayon ! I told them it was not the Ramayon, but 
 something better, and parted with as m.any or more than 
 I could spare. One poor fellow who was selling gun- 
 rods begged and intreated me for one, after I had re- 
 fused to give any more, even with tears. So, I could 
 not hold out — when he got it, he clasped it with rapture, 
 still thinking it to be the Ramayon. Thus, the word of 
 God gets the honour which belongs to it, from persons 
 who do not intend it, as our Saviour on the cross had 
 his proper titles superscribed by a person who meant no 
 such thing. They scorned the tracts because they were 
 small — all wanted a bura kitab. 
 
 At Rajemahl, where I wrote my last letter to you I 
 met wdth some of the hill people, and took down in 
 writing a few names of things in their language — abba 
 is father. The same night we met with a mangee, or 
 chief of one of the hills — I told him that wicked men 
 when they die go downward to the place of fire — but 
 good men upward to God. He seemed much con- 
 cerned at the former truth and remained pensive — no- 
 thing gained his attention but that — which he repeated, 
 go to a place of fire ! They sacrifice buffaloes, goats, 
 and pigeons, and drink the blood. Perhaps this uni- 
 versal prevalence of sacrifices may be used at last for the 
 universal conversion of the world. My employment at 
 this time consists chiefly in arranging and writing on the 
 parables ; — these I hope to have ready by the time the chil- 
 dren of the schools are able to read, — and in translating 
 the Acts with moonshee, w^ho takes great delight in this 
 work. Sanscrit sleeps a little, though I am daily more 
 convinced of the absolute necessity of it in order to 
 know the country Hindoostanee. I wish Marshman 
 would say whether we can be of any use in helping for- 
 ward the translations by taking any part. Diffusion of 
 the Scriptures must be our great engine. Happily 
 
1S06] JOURNAL. 511 
 
 our enemies do not equal us in generosity — no Korans 
 or Ramayons to give away. 
 
 Let me beg you to send me all the te.vts that are 
 given out at the two churches. The delightful intelli- 
 gence your letter contained about the prosperity of 
 ministers and people continues to refresh my soul, and 
 the kind remembrances of me which so many of them 
 make in their prayers are, I believe, drawing down the 
 supplies of grace which I need. Dear little George and 
 Hannah I will endeavour to remember as you desire. 
 May the Lord take them for his own. 
 
 My most affectionate love to all the church w^hich is in 
 your house. Greet them that love us in the faith. 
 I remain, my very dear sir, 
 
 Your's in everlasting bonds, 
 
 H. Martyn. 
 
 To the Rev. D. Brown, Calcutta. 
 
 27. Called on General C. this morning, and dined 
 at his Bungalow at night, with two young officers. 
 Most of the day spent with moonshee in translating. 
 My spirit frequently overwhelmed within me with fear, 
 on account of the greatness and difficulty of my future 
 work ; and when I thought of Lydia, I almost dreaded 
 the thoughts of her being introduced into such a life. 
 
 28. Breakfasted with General C. Passed the rest 
 of the morning in translating. Removed in the after- 
 noon to the barrack. Throughout the day greatly de- 
 pressed in spirits, but in my evening walk my drooping 
 soul was visited in meditation by a gracious God. He 
 taught me to see more clearly, that I was now brought 
 to act in the presence of God and Christ, and a great 
 cloud of witnesses ; that the more closely I walked with 
 God the more unconcerned I should be about the 
 opinions of men, whose behaviour sometimes cuts me 
 to the heart ; that I should still be a sweet savour unto 
 God, in them that perish, and that very soon I should 
 be removed to that happy place where there are none 
 
512 LETTER. [1806 
 
 but saints. Reading Hart's hymn on Gethsemane I felt 
 very tenderly affected. The Saviour seemed to he he- 
 fore me in all his woes, a man of sorrows and acquainted 
 with grief. How little have I ever known of his Spirit ! 
 After seeing the European regiment drawn up, I felt as 
 I used to feel on hoard ship. Though I have such an 
 aversion to the sight of my own countrymen, hecause 
 they are *' impudent children, and stiff necked," yet 
 Jesus wept over Jerusalem. Oh, henceforward let me 
 live with Christ alone. 
 
 29. Employed in hearing translation, writing to Mr. 
 Brown, and writing a sermon on a parable. In this 
 latter was much assisted. Oh, I know the more I 
 undertake to do for God, the more I shall be assisted 
 to do for him. Was in general much dejected through 
 fear and unbelief; but in my evening walk, was enabled 
 to keep near to God, in comfort and peace. Dined at 
 
 the General's. Called in my way on , who was as 
 
 uncivil to me as he well could be *, but this created not 
 the smallest uneasiness in me, as I expected it. 
 
 Dinaporej Nov. 29, 1806. 
 My dear Sir, 
 Having met with nothing worth mentioning since I 
 last wrote to you from Monghir, I sit down to mention 
 merely that I arrived here in safety on the 26th. I 
 wished to be able to tell you that I was comfortably 
 settled, and that has been the occasion of my delay. 
 The bustle is now over, and I am now quietly seated in 
 my apartments at the barracks, which I have taken at 50 
 rupees a month ; but General Clarke tells me I must not 
 stay here, but get into others differently situated before 
 the hot season. It is hot even now ; I can scarcely bear 
 any thing on me at night, though in the budgerow I 
 passed many a cold night for want of clothes. General 
 Clarke has been exceedingly civil ; on account of Dr. 
 Stacey's absence, he seems to consider himself as my 
 only friend, and so has invited me continually to his 
 house. On Monday I propose going to Patna to con- 
 
180G] LETTER. 513 
 
 suit with Mr. Gladwin about getting a good pundit, for 
 I find Gilchrist's Hindoostanee is too fine to be under- 
 stood by any but the servants of the English. A Hindoo 
 may be probably able to teach me something of the 
 language of the villages. Even my own Hindoostanee 
 I speak with greater hesitation than ever, insomuch that 
 I feel reluctant in uttering a single sentence ! yet I find 
 by the translation that I write it more correctly. The 
 sight of the multitudes at Patna, and on the banks 
 toward this place, filled me with astonishment and dread, 
 from which I have not yet recovered ; and the crowds 
 in the bazar here have had no tendency to diminish it. 
 What shall be done for them all ? I feel constrained to 
 pray and to beg your prayers, for a double, yea, for a 
 tenfold portion of the Spirit to make me equal to my 
 work. There are four hundred European troops here, 
 and forty -five officers. The sight of these men recalls 
 the sorrowful remembrance of what I endured on board 
 ship from my disdainful and abandoned countrymen 
 among the military ; they are *' impudent children and 
 stiff-hearted," and will receive, I fear, my ministra- 
 tions, as all the others have done, with scorn. Yet we 
 are unto God a sweet savour even in them that perish. 
 I expected without a doubt to find a letter here from 
 you ; and perhaps some from Europe. I shall endea- 
 vour for the future to expect no letters, and then I can- 
 not be disappointed. 
 
 Let me know when a ship is to sail for Europe, that I 
 may get my letters ready, though I confess I am very loth 
 to give an hour to letter-writing, w^hen life is slipping 
 away, and I have done nothing yet towards this im- 
 mense work. About the time that Corrie and Parsons 
 are leaving you, I shall have a great list of books and 
 other articles ready, but I cannot recollect any now. 
 When you are certified of my arrival here, I shall hope 
 for letters to be flowing in from all quarters. But I 
 forget the resolution recorded at the top of the page. I 
 remember you all affectionately, but not so much so as 
 I ought. A brand plucked from the burning ought to 
 
 2 L 
 
514 JOURNAL. [1806 
 
 love and honour the people of God more. Mrs. Brown 
 and the children have a constant place in my prayers. 
 My kindest love to them all. May the Lord be with 
 my two dear brethren under your roof, and strengthen 
 their hearts and their hands, so will they work wonders. 
 Remember me very kindly to all the missionaries, and 
 all the church at Calcutta. 
 
 I am, my dear friend and brother, 
 
 Yours most sincerely, 
 
 H. Martyn. 
 To the Rev. D. Brown, Calcutta. 
 
 30. (Sunday.) By the order of the General, the soldiers 
 attended in one of the barracks, and I read the prayers to 
 them upon the long drum ; but as there was no place 
 for them to sit down, I was desired to give them no ser- 
 mon. After spending some comfortable hours in read- 
 ing and prayer, in my rooms, I went to the hospital 
 and had some conversation. One of the men was ex- 
 ceedingly disrespectful, but through grace I maintained 
 my temper perfectly ; there were several books among 
 them, but none religious. After dinner I carried them 
 eight or ten ; read the service for the sick, and the first 
 part of Doddridge's Rise and Progress, which was much 
 attended to. Walked in the evening with moonshee, 
 and was surprised to find how similar the disputes 
 among the Mahometans about faith and works are to 
 our ow^n. He perfectly agreed in the truth that all 
 men are sinners alike before God, and that all must be 
 saved in a way of mere mercy. Nothing but the exer- 
 cise of continually stirring up myself to diligence, could 
 have kept me from dejection to-day ; but I prayed that 
 I might do my work with pleasure, and never even wish 
 it to be other than God had appointed it ; and though I 
 am far enough from that spirit, a blessing attends the 
 very prayers for it. 
 
 Dec. 1 . Early this morning, I set off in my palan- 
 quin for Patna, and was much strengthened inwardly by 
 reading the account of God's delivering his people from 
 
1806] JOURNAL. 515 
 
 Egypt. I wish to believe that he will marvellously in- 
 terfere for the deliverance of his elect, in these lands. 
 Arrived at Mr. G.'s at the fort in Patna about noon, 
 and passed most of the day with him very agreeably. 
 He was free and communicative on the subject of re- 
 ligion, and I felt greatly rejoiced in believing that there 
 was still grace in his heart. Something brought the 
 remembrance of my dear Lydia so powerfully to my 
 mind that I could not cease thinking of her for a mo- 
 ment. I know not when my reflections seemed to turn 
 so fondly towards her ; at the same time I scarcely dare 
 to wish her to come to this country. The whole country 
 is manifestly disaffected. I was struck at the anger and 
 contempt with which multitudes of the natives eyed me 
 in my palanquin. 
 
 2. Having collected what information I could obtain 
 about the schools in Patna, and desired Mr. G. to get a 
 palanquin for me, I left Patna, and in my way back 
 called on Mr. D., the Judge, and Mr. F. at Bankipore. 
 Mr. F's. conversation with me about the natives was 
 again a great trial to my spirit ; but in the multitude of 
 my troubled thoughts I still saw that there is a strong 
 consolation in the hope set before us. Let men do their 
 worst, let me be torn to pieces, and my dear L. torn 
 from me ; or let me labour for fifty years amidst scorn, 
 and never seeing one soul converted, still it shall not be 
 worse for my soul, in eternity, nor worse for it in time. 
 Though the heathen rage and the English people ima- 
 gine a vain thing, the Lord Jesus who controls all 
 events is my friend, my master, my God, my all. On 
 the Rock of Ages when I feel my foot rest, my head is 
 lifted up above all mine enemies round about, and I 
 sing, yea 1 will sing praises unto the Lord. If I am 
 not much mistaken, sore trials are awaiting me from 
 without. Yet the time will come, when they will be 
 over. Oh what sweet refuge to the weary soul does the 
 grave appear. There the wicked cease from troubling, 
 and there the weaiy are at rest. Here every man I m.eet 
 is an enemy ; being an enemy to God, he is an enemy to 
 
 2 L 2 ' 
 
516 LETTER. [1806 
 
 me also on that account ; but he is an enemv too to 
 me, because I am an Englishman. Oh what a place 
 must heaven be, where there are none but friends. 
 England appears almost a heaven upon earth, because 
 there one is not viewed as an unjust intruder ; but, 
 oh ! the heaven of my God ! the general assembly of 
 the first-born, the spirits of the just made perfect, and 
 Jesus ! Oh, let me for a little moment labour and suffer 
 reproach ! Reached Dinapore about the middle of the 
 day ; at the bottom full of despondency and unbelief, 
 though upheld, as it were at the moment of falling, by 
 the hand of God. " When I said my foot slippeth, thy 
 mercy, O Lord ! held me up." Passed the afternoon 
 about Acts viii. with moonshee. 
 
 3. Passed the day in the usual employment ; in the 
 evening, after a melancholy walk, I returned very much 
 depressed in spirits, wdien I found letters from Mr. 
 Brown, Corrie, Parsons, and Thompson. Encouraging 
 letters from four ministers in India ought, I am sure, to 
 excite my fervent affection to the blessed God and to 
 strengthen my faith. Wrote to Mr. Brown, Parsons, 
 and Corrie. 
 
 Binapore, Dec. 3, 1806. 
 My Dear Sir, 
 From a solitary walk on the banks of the river, I had 
 just returned to my dreary rooms, and with the reflec- 
 tion that just at this time of the day I could be thankful 
 for a companion, was taking up the flute to remind my- 
 self of your social meetings in worship, when your two 
 packages of letters, which had arrived in my absence, 
 were brought to me. For the contents of them, all I 
 can say is, bless the Lord, O my soul ! and all that is 
 within me bless his holy name ! The arrival of another 
 dear brother, and the joy you so largely partake of in 
 fellowship with God and with one another, act as a 
 cordial to my soul. They shew me what I want to 
 learn, that the Lord God Omnipotent reigneth — and 
 that they that keep the faith of Jesus are those only 
 
1806] LETTER. 517 
 
 whom God visits with his strong consolations. I want 
 to keep in view that our God is the God of the whole 
 earth — and that the heathen are given to his exalted 
 Son, the uttermost parts of the earth for a possession. 
 
 I have now made my calls and delivered my letters, 
 and the result of my observations upon whom and what 
 I have seen is that I stand alone. Not one voice is 
 heard saying, I wish you good luck in the name of the 
 Lord ; not one kind thought towards me for the truth's 
 sake. Sunday morning, by the general's order, the men 
 were ordered to attend at one of the barracks, where the 
 only article of ecclesiastical furniture was a long drum. 
 On this I read prayers, but as there was no seat for any 
 one I was desired not to detain them by a sermon. 
 Monday I went without any introduction to Mr. G. 
 and by the influence of your name found a very kind 
 reception; I spent the day him with very agreeably, talking 
 about Persian, Hindoostanee, &c., but chiefly about 
 religion. He evidently did not speak about it merely in 
 compliment to me, for many times he chose the subject 
 himself. He made me a present of his works, promises 
 to get a good pundit ; and what is best of all, has 
 almost engaged to undertake a Persian translation of the 
 New Testament. He begs to know if you have got 
 chapter 1 3 of Matthew, which Mr. Chambers translated 
 — and desires the missionaries to send him a copy of 
 every thing they have printed. On my way back I 
 called on the judge, and offered to come over to Banki- 
 pore to officiate to them on the Sabbath. They are 
 going to take this into consideration. 
 
 I have found out two schools in Dinapore. The 
 masters have waited on me with specimens of their 
 Nagree writing — the Devu Nagree tracts they could not 
 read at all — the common Nagree of the Testament they 
 could make out pretty well. I shall set on foot one or 
 two schools here without delay, and by the time the scho- 
 lars are able to read we can get books ready for them. 
 
 Since I began this letter I have been chiefly thinking 
 of Hannah. You have indeed good reason for sup- 
 
518 JOURNAL. [1806 
 
 posing that God hath loved her. Dear child ! if she 
 should be at this time taken to his glory, I could almost 
 envy her lot in being removed from a world of sin and 
 sorrow so soon. Give my love to her — I hope we shall 
 see together that great and glorious day which Jesus has 
 made. 
 
 I hasten to write a few lines to each of my brethren , 
 who have so kindly remembered me — and therefore, I 
 conclude. You do not mention Mrs. Brown in any of 
 your letters — I do not know why ; I am sure she sends 
 her love to me. Believe me to be, my very dear sir, 
 your's most affectionately, 
 
 H. Martyn. 
 
 December 5. I have received my arrears of pay — but 
 the pay-master requires a certificate from Mr. Hall, 
 
 which I beg you to direct B to get. How shall 
 
 I send this money to you ? Let me know as soon 
 as possible, as perhaps I may get robbed of all this 
 cash. Robberies are so frequent here that every officer 
 is obliged to keep a choukardar — I have one in my 
 verandah. 
 
 4. Called on the general, and met a very large party 
 of officers ; afterwards on Dr. S. and spent the whole 
 morning with him, receiving instructions, &c. Looked 
 at a bungalow with him, which I think of buying. Had 
 much conversation with him on the late proceedings 
 against Mr. Brown. Received in the afternoon Bythner's 
 Lyra Prophetica from Mr. Gladwin, and sent him the 
 first volume of the Ramayon. After finishing Acts viii. 
 with moonshee, I wrote to Mr. Udney. Still full of 
 fears and unbelief, and despondency, till towards evening, 
 when my soul was blessed wdth the Divine presence. 
 
 5. Low spirited about my work ; I seem to be at a 
 stand, not knowing what course to take, as I have yet 
 no means of learning the language of the place, nor of 
 setting on foot schools. Morning spent in transacting 
 temporal business. Afternoon with moonshee. Wrotq 
 
1806] JOURNAL. 519 
 
 to Thompson, and finished a sermon. Proceeded once 
 more with the parables. 
 
 6. Employed in translation and parables. Dr. S. 
 called and went with me to a Europe shop. Moonshee 
 walked with me in the evening, and tried my temper ex- 
 ceedingly by his Mahometan bigotry. I was obliged to 
 lift up my heart to God continually, that he would 
 enable me in patience to possess my soul. The only 
 relief my spirit finds, while I witness the stubborn super- 
 stition of people, is to cast my care upon God. It is 
 His own blessed cause. 
 
 7. (Sunday.) At 10 o'clock read the church 
 service in one of the barracks, to a tolerable congrega- 
 tion, and preached on Luke x. 2. There was a very 
 solemn attention, and if I am not mistaken, some of their 
 consciences were touched. In the afternoon read prayers, 
 and another section of Doddridge at the hospital ; still 
 the most devout attention ; no appearance of ridicule ; 
 afterwards baptized a child. In the morning the Lord 
 favoured me with a very happy season of prayer. Oh 
 that I could always thus abide with God, apart from the 
 w^orld. " Great peace have they that love thy law." 
 By the little I know, I am persuaded, that there is a 
 peace which passeth all understanding, a peace such as 
 Christ enjoyed himself, and such as he will give his 
 people ; but the rest of the day I could not maintain 
 that sense of the Divine presence. 
 
 8. Was much helped in my work of the parables. 
 Blessed be God ! Employed about them all day, till late 
 at night, and in general cheerful in my spirit. 
 
 9. A pundit came to me to-day, and translated 
 some Hindoostanee stories into the dialect of Bahar and 
 Sanscrit. By his advice I resumed the Sanscrit gram- 
 mar, as the shortest way of coming at the Bhakha of all 
 parts of India. Read hard in it all the rest of the day. 
 
 10. Began the work of translating the parables into 
 : the Bahar dialect. I left the moonshee and pundit to- 
 gether to execute it. The moonshee from his Rekhtu 
 
 'version explained it to the pundit, who accordingly 
 
520 JOURNAL. [18a6 
 
 wrote it down in the village dialect. The moonshee ob- 
 served to me at night, &c. See Memoir, p. 224. While 
 they were at work I called on the two commanding 
 officers of the native and European regiment here. The 
 colonel I found to be a most intelligent man, who had 
 seen a great deal of Europe and India. Knowing my 
 object, he began to talk about the Christian churches he 
 had seen, and gave me a great deal of information about 
 missions and Roman Catholic churches in all parts of 
 India, of which I had no notion. I accordingly went to 
 my quarters and drew up a Latin letter, which I thought 
 of sending to all the Roman Catholic missionaries round 
 me, containing all necessary questions. Called at the 
 hospital and barracks to inquire about the men who could 
 sing. The pundit's question raises my hopes. It is an 
 instance of the truth striking the mind. The Lord be 
 praised, may he speedily make bare his holy arm ! A 
 dream last night was so like reality, and the impression 
 after it was so deep upon my spirits, that I must record 
 the date of it. It was about Lydia ; I dreamt that she 
 was arrived, but that after some conversation I said to her, 
 ' I know this is a dream, it is too soon after my letter for 
 you to have come.' Alas ! it is only a dream ; and with 
 this I awoke, and sighed to think that it was indeed only 
 a dream. Perhaps all my hope about her is but a dream ! 
 Yet, be it so ! whatever God shall appoint must be good 
 for us both, and with that I will endeavour to be tran- 
 quil and happy, pursuing my way through the wilder- 
 ness with equal steadiness, whether with or without a 
 companion. 
 
 11. Going on in Sanscrit, and set the moonshee to 
 work on the parables. In the afternoon wrote out two 
 letters for the missionaries. In the evening had a 
 happy and refreshing season of prayer ; afterwards 
 wrote on a parable in Hindoostanee. Much time went 
 away, by my thoughts dwelling with fondness on the 
 dear friends at Dock, and retracing my former 
 friendships. 
 
 12. Day passed in the usual employments. 
 
1806] JOURNAL. 521 
 
 1 3. Sent letters to the Roman Catholic missionaries at 
 Boglipore, Bettra, and Agra. Employed in endeavouring 
 to make a grammar of the Bahar dialect, in the transla- 
 tion of the parables, and in Sanscrit grammar. At 
 night began a sermon on the Sacrament. 
 
 14. (Sunday.) Service performed by an after order, 
 at 10 o'clock, The general was present, about twenty 
 officers, and some of their ladies ; I preached on the 
 parable of the tares of the field. Much of the rest 
 of the day I was in great distraction, owing to the 
 incessant recurrence of thoughts about Lydia. My 
 impatience and fear respecting her, sometimes rose 
 to such a height, that I felt almost as at Fal- 
 mouth, when I was leaving Europe, as I thought to see 
 her no more. But in the evening it pleased the Lord to 
 shew me something of the awful nearness of the world 
 of spirits, and the unmeasurable importance of my hav- 
 ing my thoughts and cares devoted to my missionary 
 work. Thus I obtained peace. I prayed in sincerity 
 and fervor, that if there were any obstacle in the sight 
 of God, the Lord might never suffer us to meet. Offi- 
 ciated at the hospital, and read another section of Dod- 
 dridge ; men still very attentive. 
 
 15. Employed the morning in going over, with the 
 pundit, some of the parables in Baharee, but I was 
 somewhat in a dilemma to determine how to spread the 
 knowledge of the truth, when I found by his account 
 that every four kos the language changes, and by the 
 specimens he gave me of sentences in the dialects across 
 the water at Gyan, and some other places, they appear to 
 differ so much, that a book in one dialect would be unin- 
 telligible to those of another. I thought it best for the 
 present to get the four gospels translated respectively in- 
 to four different dialects, so that the whole province of 
 Bahar might have the four amongst them, and to add to 
 these the book of Genesis, some of the Psalms, the ten 
 commandments, and the sermon on the mount, in all the 
 dialects. At night dined with Colonel W. and met 
 there the society of Dinapore ; never were hours so mis- 
 
522 JOURNAL. [1806 
 
 spent. I had no conversation with them, but was wit- 
 ness to their general levity. Received letters from dear 
 Mr. Simeon and dear Sargent, by his brother, and was 
 greatly refreshed. How sweet the delights of Christian 
 friendship, and what must heaven be — I very often say, 
 — where there are none but humble kind and holy chil- 
 dren of God. Such society would of itself be heaven to 
 me after the extreme disgust I feel at the ways of 
 worldly people. In the morning my soul was seemingly 
 in an enslaved state, but the third chapter of Revelation 
 came home with awful solemnity to my soul ; shall I 
 lose my crown ? No, T trust though grace at last to 
 overcome, and rise conqueror over all. 
 
 16. Morning with Pundit in Sanscrit; afternoon in 
 hearing a parable in the Bahar dialect. Continued till 
 late at night writing on parable, with my soul much im- 
 pressed with the immeasurable importance of my work, 
 and the wickedness and cruelty of wasting a moment, 
 when so many nations are, as it were, waiting till I do 
 my work. Felt eager for the morning to come again, 
 that I might resume my labour. 
 
 17- My soul afflicted and solemn at the sense of 
 exceeding sinfulness ; and in morning prayer as on the 
 preceding had some melting of spirit, but these feelings 
 were short-lived. Employed all day in writing on the 
 parables. Having to attend a funeral for the first time, 
 I looked round the monuments of the burying ground, 
 and felt an unusual awe at the sight of these mementos 
 of mortality. 
 
 18. Employed in going over the former parable with 
 the moonshees, in order to collect Hindoostanee words. 
 Received letters from Mr. Brown, Corrie, Parsons, 
 and Marshman. From him I found that L. had pub- 
 lished his sermon, a piece of intelligence which much 
 disturbed me, as I feared it might be the occasion of 
 bringing me before the public, and distracting my time 
 and attention from my missionary work. However, 
 every event is of God. He will cause all things to work 
 together for good. At night read Sadi with moonshee, 
 
1806] JOURNAL. 523 
 
 and was not a little surprised at the pure truth being so 
 remarkably written there, in chapter ii : truly, the devil 
 can make himself appear in the form of an angel of 
 light, and teach scriptural truth as well as quote it, to 
 serve his purposes. Yet I do not find any thing re- 
 sembling pardon through Christ, and the gift of the 
 Holy Ghost. Precious, precious salvation revealed in the 
 word ! '' Thy righteousness is an everlasting righteous- 
 ness, and thy law is the truth." 
 
 19. Morning frittered away by marrying a couple, 
 and calling on the General, &c. I requested him to put 
 a stop to the games on Sunday ; as on the last Sunday 
 I had spoken without effect to some men who were 
 playing at fives. He referred to Colonel W. At night 
 dined at Major Y's. ; I came away most grievously un- 
 easy at spending so much precious time so disagreeably. 
 Yet this is the poor flock over which I am appointed. 
 The Lord help me to care for them, w^hile they are not 
 caring for themselves ! Most of to-day spent in reading 
 the Bahar parables, and writing to Marshman. 
 
 20. Reading over the parables with the Pundit and 
 moonshee, in order to find out the peculiarities of the 
 Bahar verb, which seems considerably more intricate 
 than the common Hindoostanee. Afternoon passed 
 rather profitably in conversation with the Pundit about 
 the Hindoo superstitions, and method of learning San- 
 scrit. He told me he had taught Sir G. Barlow, some 
 Rajah, and 200 Brahmins. It is this perhaps that 
 makes him so proud, for he and my moonshee are as proud 
 as they can well be. While giving the moonshee the first 
 part of John iii, &c. See Memoir, p. 223. In the even- 
 ing had a refreshing season in prayer, by which the peace 
 and comfort of my soul were much increased. Fixed on 
 a spot for a school. 
 
 21. (Sunday.) Preached to a good number, on 
 1 Cor. xi. 24 — 26 ; not much fixed attention ; the 
 General and Dr. S. present, but Dr. W. not. From 
 the length of the service without any interval of sing- 
 ing, and baptizing a child after, I could not sit or stand 
 
524 JOURNAL. [1806 
 
 without pain, and seemed quite spent ; but having re- 
 cruited, I officiated at the hospital, and found the men 
 very attentive. Had a good deal of conversation with 
 one of them, a shrewd sort of man, whose pertness, so 
 offensive to one's proud feelings, I took as an exercise of 
 patience and forbearance. He said he hated that me- 
 thodistical way of talking about the heart, &c, but said, 
 however, that it was an uncommon thing to hear any 
 thing of this kind in India, and that after a few more 
 Sundays, I should see some effect. Received a letter 
 from the missionary at Boglipore, written in rather 
 elegant Latin, and requesting assistance to get a pundit, 
 as he had but just arrived in the country. In the even- 
 ing, after a solemn season of prayer, I received letters 
 
 from Europe, one from Cousin T , Emma, Lydia, 
 
 and others. The torrent of vivid affection which passed 
 through my heart, at receiving such assurances of regard, 
 continued almost without intermission for four hours. 
 Yet in reflection afterwards, the few words my dearest 
 Lydia wrote, turned my joy into tender sympathy with 
 her. Who knows what her heart has suffered ! After 
 all, our God is our best portion ; and it is true that if we 
 are never permitted to meet, we shall enjoy blissful inter- 
 course for ever in glory. 
 
 22. Called on Colonel W , and delivered what 
 
 I went for, which was to excuse myself from attending 
 more parties. Usual employment of the parables. Began 
 to translate St. John's Epistles, at Marshman's request. 
 Thinking far too much of dear Lydia all day. 
 
 23. Sent an answer to the missionary at Boglipore. 
 All the morning employed with pundit, in the most 
 unprofitable way, without being able to obtain from him 
 one single ray of light on the subject. He is at present 
 utterly unable to teach, but perhaps all the rest are as 
 bad. I do not know that my patience was ever more 
 tried. Went on the rest of the day with translations 
 and parables, and read some of Micheen's Elegy with 
 raoonshee, and gave him the Hebrew letters, that he 
 mav be able to read, and eventually learn Hebrew. 
 
1806] JOURNAL. 525 
 
 Set apart the chief part of this day for prayer, with 
 fasting ; but I do not know that my soul got much good. 
 Oh what need have I to be stirred up by the spirit of 
 God, to exert myself in prayer ! Had no freedom or 
 power in prayer, though some appearance of tenderness. 
 Lydia is a snare to me ; I think of her so incessantly, 
 and with such foolish and extravagant fondness, that 
 my heart is drawn away from God : thought at night, 
 can that be true love which is other than God would 
 have it "? No, that which is law^ful is most genuine, 
 when regulated by the holy law of God. 
 
 25. Preached on Tim. i. 15. to a large congrega- 
 tion. The General, and Drs. W and S were 
 
 present, and the latter assisted at the administration of 
 the Sacrament. Those who remained at the Sacrament 
 were chiefly ladies, and none of them young men. My 
 heart still entangled with this idolatrous affection, and 
 consequently unhappy. Sometimes I gained deliver- 
 ance from it for a short time, and w^as happy in the love 
 of God. How awful the thought, that while perishing 
 millions demand my every thought and care, my mind 
 should be distracted about such an extreme trifle, as that 
 of my own comfort. Oh, let me at last have done with 
 it, and the merciful God save me from departing from 
 him, and committing that horrible crime of forsaking 
 the fountain of living waters, and hewing out to myself 
 broken cisterns. 
 
 26. More unconcerned about this present world, 
 and consequently, happier all day. Employments as usual. 
 
 27. Still peaceful and raised abov^e my carnal and 
 
 worldly desires. Called on Dr. S , and Captain 
 
 S , about purchasing a bungalow. Perplexed and 
 
 unable to decide, but thought with increased pleasure 
 and comfort of my house eternal in the heavens. Wrote 
 sermon in the evening, and w^as much assisted. Pundit, 
 moonshee, and myself, still employed about the parables. 
 
 28. (Sunday.) Preached on the parable of the 
 pounds. There was a greater impression than I have 
 yet observed ; Dr. S was present. In the after- 
 
 
 !!:•?■ 
 
526 JOURNAL. [1806 
 
 noon, and at the hospital, there was great attention, 
 while I went on with Doddridge. But I had reason 
 throughout the day, to groan at my own formality ; was 
 favoured with a precious season of prayer in the evening. 
 
 29. Time lost, and thoughts distracted, by changing 
 
 my quarters. Captain S sat with me a long time, 
 
 persuading me to buy his house. I had prayed for 
 direction in this business, and now I rejoice to think 
 that I did not involve myself in debt, which I was about 
 to do. Reading some of the Epistle of St. John, to 
 my moonshee, he seemed to view it with great contempt; 
 so far above the wisdom of this world is its divine sim- 
 plicity : it is only when the soul is full of love, that it 
 can use the language of St. John. Some fiery darts of 
 infidelity were shot into my mind by Satan, but by 
 grace the shield of faith received them. At night fin- 
 ished what I have been long about, the account of the 
 incarnation, and passion, and the wisdom and necessity 
 of it, and also a statement of the doctrine of the Trinity. 
 My own heart was moved, by simply giving a narrative 
 of the love and sufferings of Jesus ; and at night in 
 prayer, my soul was raised above all doubts, and above 
 all fears, whether this doctrine be true, and whether it 
 shall be known throughout the earth. My heart was 
 drawn forth to praise God for Christ, to praise Christ 
 for his love, and I found comfort in repeating again and 
 again, " Worthy is the Lamb that was slain, to receive 
 power, and riches, and wisdom, and strength, and 
 honour, and glory, and blessing ! " 
 
 30. Employed about the parables. In the afternoon 
 
 wrote a letter to brother . Experienced much of 
 
 the presence of God with me in the evening, both in 
 prayer and singing the hymn, * Day of judgment, day of 
 wonders,' &c. 1 was drawn in prayer, especially to 
 worship and adore the great Messiah, and to feel assured 
 that he shall reign . If his blood was shed for his peo- 
 ple, what a very small and trifling thing is it, for mine 
 to be shed in the same cause. 
 
 31. Received this morning a formal note from Mr. 
 
1806] JOURNAL. 527 
 
 G. to inform me that the congregation of Dinapore 
 were very well satisfied with my written sermons, but 
 did not like extempore preaching. My carnal nature 
 was exceedingly roused at this. I thought it a very 
 indecent interference with what did not belong to them ; 
 but on maturer reflection considered, that I ought to 
 make all lawful compliances to render the word of God 
 acceptable. In the evening had some profitable medita- 
 tion and prayer on the occasion of the close of the 
 year, and felt communion with the saints of God in the 
 world, whose minds were probably turned to the consi- 
 deration of the same awful things. 
 
 THE END OF VOL. I. 
 
PKINTKD BY 
 L. AND O. SEKLEV, THAMES DITTO.V, SURREY. 
 
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