Avery Architectural and Fine Arts Library (hi roi Si ymour B. I)i rsi Old York LiMR\m Digitized by the Internet Archive in 2013 http://archive.org/details/worldsalmaniacfoOOchur (ft «-* 0p^ ■a © rt V Muwffi 3^}fliaW. 25CWTS uu SPECIMEN ILLUSTRATION FROM ARCHIBALD TH1 I \i €f)c XOozWg Crceti- THE WORLD believes the Enemy of Mankind may be trusted to attend to his particular business of stir- ring up strife. It therefore seeks to promote peace on earth and good will among good tnen. THE WORLD believes that even the Moon has two sides. It therefore gives every honest man credit for supposing himself to be right, no matter how wrong it may hold him to be. THE WORLD believes that sufficient unto each day are the roils thereof It therefore considers it quite unnecessary to embitter existence to-day by fighting over the fights of yesterday. THE WORLD believes there was some sense in the old superstition according to which every day's fortune was colored by the first objects seen in the morning. It therefore thinks that to lay on a man's breakfast table a sheet full of unclean things, angry 7vords, personal squab- bles and political spites, is about as likely a way of pro- pitiating his good trill as to put spiders into his coffee. As a mere matter of business, therefore, THE WORLD endeavors to be fair to its opponents in polities, candid in its discussion of public questions, just to all men — and "up to the latest news." SPECIAL NOTICE Since the change in its proprietorship, THE NEW-YORK WORLD HAS BECOME THE Most Newsy and Enterprising OF ALL THE GREAT DAILIES Read what the leading Papers say of "THE WORLD." " The old readers of The World must have observed the very extraordinary changes in that paper, and the still more superb improvements in the way of industry, enterprise and ability which are seen under its present management." — New-York Commercial A dvertiser. " We call The World a bold and able journal. * * * * * * It has acquired the fuxbit of telling the truth, whether it hurts the opposite party or its own. " — New- York Evening Post. " The World, the most ably edited of the New-York journals." — The London Post. " Since the editorial control of the New-York U 'orld passed to the gentleman ivhc no7u conducts it, it has been characterized by a sprightliness and brilliancy which appear in every department of the journal." — Brooklyn Eagle. " The World seems to be edited all aver, its new departments displaying much ot the literary knowledge and graceful style of writing always to be found in its editorial page." — Philadelphia Ledger. " The World has become the brightest, sprightliest, most popular and scholarly journal in the metropolis." — A merican Art Journal. " The World is very much like what we should make a daily edition of The Spirit, another American Gentleman's newspaper." — Wilkes' Spirit of the Timet. "Those of our readers who have not tested the quality of the Sunday issue of the New-York WorUl should do so without fail They will find it an admirably edited sheet, most attractively stored in the way of literary and miscellaneous reading matter." — Buffalo Courier. " The New- York World believes the enemy of mankind may be trusted to his par- ticular business of stirring up strife. It therefore seeks to promote peace on earth and good will among good men." The Weekly World, a Large 8-page Paper, ONE DOLLAR per year. THE WORLD. "A Rattling Good Newspaper." TERMS-POSTAGE PREPAID. Daily and Sundays, one year, $10.00 ; six months, $5.50 ; three months, $2-75- ' Daily, without Sundays, one year, $8.00 ; six months, $4.25 ; three months, $2.25 ; less than three months, $1.00 a month. Sunday World, one year, $2.00. The Monday World, containing the Literary' Reviews and " College Chronicle," $1.50 by the year. The Semi-Weekly World (Tuesdays and Fridays), Two Dollars a year. To Club Agents— An extra copy for club of ten ; The Daily for club of twenty-five. The Weekly World (Wednesdays), One Dollar a year. To Club Agents— An extra copy for club of ten ; the Semi-Weekly for club of twenty ; the Daily for club of fifty. Specimen number sent on application. Terms — Cash, invariably in advance. All communications should be addressed to THE WORLD, 35 Park Row, N. Y. ADVERTISING RATES OF "THE WORLD." T7p-town Office, 1267 Broadway. 35 Rark Row, New-York. Per Agate Line for each insertion. {Eight Words are counted to a Line.) Third, Sixth and Seventh Pages $ Eighth Page Fifth Page, Business Notices " City Items, with word " Advertisement," " " " "Communicated," " Quoted Items Eighth Page " " Third Page, after Money Article Semi- Weekly ' ........ Weekly (circulation, 90,000) Special Notices, Weekly V leaded, for the space occupied. PAYMENT REQUIRED IN ADVANCE. How doth the little busy Frog Improve the shining hour, And prove himself a faultless prog- Nostic of shade and shower. Wiser than any Ladder Day Prophet is he, his tongue Is silent, but in every way He hath the changes Rung. The mercury when 't will be warm, And he do rise afar, But come there threatenings of a storm, Look out for Lower Bar. The brute creation travelleth To the observer's gate ; The Great Bear in his Ulster saith, "Shall I Hiberniate? : ' The Cranes do crane their necks to learn To Egypt shall they flock, Where warmer sun than ours doth burn And murmur, "That 's the Stork! " While all the planets as they roll, — The sun, the moon, good lack, Proclaim the truth from pole to pole, "The World's Almaniac." Out of The World" Series. No. 1. COMIC FABLES, BY G. Washington y£sop. TWENTY-SIX ILLUSTRATIONS BY F. S. CHURCH. Price 23 Cents. Everywhere by Book-sellers and News-dealers. No. 2. THE WORLD'S ALMAN#AC FOR 1879. ILLUSTRATIONS BY F. S. CHURCH. Price 25 Cents. No. 3. ARCHIBALD THE CAT, And other Sea Yarns, by "the old sailor." Price 23 Cents. Address THE WORLD, 35 Park Row. Out of The World" Series.. .No. II, THE WORLDS ALMANIAC 1879. # Compmtuum of 2H0eles# ana Jinttvming information^ WITH ILLUSTRATIONS BY F. S. CHURCH. The Story of Our Laughs from Ear to Ear." NEW-YORK: PUBLISHED BY "THE WORLD," 35 PARK ROW. I878. Entered, according to Act of Congress, in the year 1878, By W. A. Paton, Publisher, 35 Park Row, New-York, in the Office of the Librarian of Congress, at Washington. THE WORLD'S ALMANIAC FOR 1879. g gong of the gierm ed like @ne. TjE dwelt in Massachusetts, JA And she in Muscatine ; And they liked the "Chimney Corner" Of the Hogwask Magazine. She could reverse, eviscerate, And syncopate a word, Add two-fifths of a famous man, And find a common bird. And he the thing whose 8, 4, 1 Was a flower, and 6, 7, 2, 11, 9, 6, 3, 14, 4, An antique city, knew. She used to send solutions in, And sign them " Dimple Dew," While he successful answers gave As •' Mountfort Montague."' Cupid o'er Massachusetts flew, And over Muscatine, And fed the flame that gradual grew With the Hogwask Afagus Until one day the editor Offered a handsome prize For those who 'tween his second and first, His third could recognize. '•Dimple Dew" and " Montfort Montague" The sole replies sent in ; She got an oroide pen-handle, He an Alaska pin. Their names upon the " Roll of Fame " Were printed side by side; He from the editor got her name, And claimed her for his bride. "Oh. be my first," he wrote, "and I cond and my third, And my nxteenth and my finally, Henceforth shall deem absurd." 12 — The World's Almaniac for i8?g. — And she wrote by return of post, "Decapitate a glove, Prefix an orb and add a sheep, And let that tell my love." He packed his carpet, 2, 1, 7, And went to Muscatine ; They were wedded, and they took a file Of the Hog-wash Magazine, And they spent a rapturous honeymoon, As blythe as joyous birds, Finding why their secotid was like their first, And 8, 6, 3, 4, 10, 2 was thirst, And syncopating words. In the Spring, a brighter smile is seen upon the landlord's face; In the Spring, the agent asks what you'd like done about the place; In the Spring, friends find you French flats which they think you might approve; In the Spring, a woman's fancy lightly turns to thoughts of move ! Tiif.y drove the glancing needle Through the glowing garment's rim, And they fell upon their neighbors And tore them limb from limb. But when they spoke of one neighbor, A woman with snowy hair, Shame, reverence, and silence Seemed to come on the circle there. And up and spake one sewer, •• It needless, it seems to me, is , anything of Mrs. J All the \\"il*l knows what she is." p — The World's Almaniac for 1879. — *3 %h% parson mtd lite jffmitehioners. E cougheth and hemmeth, the Parson wan, I' the month o' June, as midsummer comes on, And the female parishioners say, " Poor young Man, in the grave he hath one lung." With flagons of beef-tea they stay him well ; he Is comforted with calves'-foot jelly. But vain are mild remedies like those ; Worse his diaresis diptliongice grows. They give him a purse well filled with wealth, And send him to Europe for his health. " May he lose at London and in Parree His diaresis dipthongice /" Such is the wish on every tongue For the poor, dear parson's dear, poor lung. 11. When leaves 'gin redden upon the tree, He comes, the parson, from over-sea. His eye is clear, and his cheek is browned, And in flesh he hath gained full forty pound. A delegation from out his flock Are there to meet him at the dock. " Now welcome, welcome mote thou be ! How fared thy health since we last saw thee?" " Thanks to your kindness, my throat is well ; I am cured of the laryngoscopti fell." They joy ; but a crabbed deacon remote Says, "It was his lungs, and it is his throat." in. Oh, a woman's faith is a thing sublime, And it cleaves to her pastor all the time ; But he should return, in any event, Cured of the ill that he had when he went. 14 — The World's Almaniac for iS/g. — \&k The gorilla hath taken — hath taken the hose, And the 'gator naturally with it goes; The pelican well I can see can't speak The rapture that thrills in all his beak ; The stork from Afric's sunny founts Cares little how the mercury mounts, But the bear, who vainly plies his fan, Remarks profanely, "It's hotter than," But the pious monkeys say, " Let us spray," The camelopard 's coming, hurray, hurray ! — The World's Almaniac for 1879. — 15 1 6 — The World's Al?na?iiac for i8?g. — H ft? §in\e of the ^incitnt SJmttcr; Showing How He Sold the Hempress of Peru's Laces to a Lady, and What Came of the Transaction. I. IT is an Ancient Mariner, And the door-bell ringeth he : "By thy long red beard and cocked eye, What wouldest thou of me?" He holds her with his cocked eye, His trousers he doth hitch, And thus spoke on that red-haired man, With many an "avast" and "which." II. "My ship is on the sea, — I mean, My ship is at the docks, And my boat is on the shore, — that is, At the boarding-house is my box. The good ship "Caroline," eighty days Is she from Pernambu- Co, which she bears the choicest wares From the Kingdom of Peru." " Peru ? P'r'aps you 've the yellow fe — " The lady interjected : " Avast there — no ! (with a yo-heave-ho) Which the bark were disinfected : For they have slushed her topmasts down, And swabbed her magazine, And she hath been smoked and thoroughly soaked With acid quarantine: Which we, poor sailors, for three monce We cannot draw our pays, For the sanguinary nipcheese hath Only drafts at ninety days ; Which my poor mother, aged 86, Is dying at New Haven, And I wish to put down her gray hairs In proper style the grave in ; So, belay, ye lubbers, aloft, alow," — A package forth he drew, — " Here is some lace (with a yo-heave-ho) From the Hempress of Peru, Which, to gain the funds to homeward go, I fain would sell to you. The World's Almaniac for i8yg. — 17 in. " Lo, marm, 't is fair, so fine 't would make A nun forget her vows, And a cent of duty it hath not paid At the gory Custom House. And for a dollar and thirty cents I will give it unto thee ; Two cents whereof is to pay my way Across the wild ferrie ; And $1.20 for railroad fare, And three poor cents for beer, And a nickel is to put in the box For the y. f. sufferere.'' Thrice looked she on the sailor, And thrice upon the lace ; What would you have done, gentle She-reader, in her place ? For the lace was fair, and of value rare, She with half an eye could view, She was getting it far below its cost, — And it had been smuggled too. She went and got her pocket-book, From beneath her bed-bolstere ; She paid the cash, and the lace took From the Ancient Marinere. v. It had not been but minutes five, — But five, or barely ten, When the lady at her good door-bell Heard some one ring again ; And there entered in a stalwart man, A sallow man and brown, Wearing a most brigandish hat. And a most brigandish frown. " Madam, within a half an hour, There hath been with you here — Yon chair is warm, though the bird hath flown — An Ancient Marinere. Deny it not, for we have piped And shadowed him days and nights, And followed him round, like the sleuth, sleuth hound, And gotten him dead to rights." 3 18 — The World's A /maniac for i8yg. — The lady sank into a chair, And a heavy sigh she drew, And said, with a courage of despair, "Well, what is that to you?" VI. "This, madam," said the gloomy man, — " This, madam, nothing more ; I am a signal officer In the Secret Service corps. I am sworn to hunt unto the death The malefactors who, By law unawed, attempt to defraud The U. S. Revenue. That Ancient Mariner stole the lace Of the Hempress of Peru, And smuggled it on the " Caroline," Eighty days from Pernambu- Co, and I fear — since I 've tracked him here- He hath sold it unto you. " I feel for you," said the officer, " For I do not think you saw At the time how grave were the penalties You incurred beneath the law. If you have the Rev. Stats. U. S. here — You haven't? Never mind; But in sec. 4018 And cap. 14, you '11 find, * Whosoever aideth or abets In smuggling, he or she (Against the people of the U. S., Their peace and dignity), Shall be guilty of low treason, and Mesne-process felony.' And — further down on the left-hand page, If your book's the same as mine — You '11 find the penalty prescribed, $10,000 fine, With costs, and with imprisonment From five to fifteen years, At the discretion of the Court." The dame burst into tears ; "Take your old lace — I'm sick of it — And your Ancient Marineres." — The World's Almaniac for 187Q. — 19 " Madam," the gcod detective said, '* Pray you control your grief, The corpus delicti I will tie In this here handkerchief. Now I will mark it ' Exhibit A,' And in the sweet by and by When the smuggler 's ta'en you must be there The goods to identify; And herein fail not, lest you would Incur the penalty Prescribed in the statutes sus. per coll. Cap. ad sat. and facias fi. I will see the Attorney and Circuit Judge And the U. S. Marshal, too, And have them remit the penalties They might inflict on you. I will bid them join in a social glass, And strongly represent You in the matter were innocent Of any wrong intent. It will only cost you fifty cents, If you have it handy here, For though Marshal, Attorney, and Judge take rye, I drink the humble beer. " And now, farewell, good madam, Farewell and do not fear ; I must arrest, ere Sol sinks i' th' west, That Ancient Marinere. Ah, little you know of the watchfulness Of the secret service corps ; See you yon pseudo book-agent At your next-door neighbor's door ? He passes by, he meets my eye, Yet does not affect to know me ; Still he is my e-mis-sa-ry, An officer below me. See you yon man in reverie Against yon lamppost sunk? To you he seems a car-driver About three-quarters drunk. But had I to an ambushed foe While in your house been betrayed, One blast upon my whistle-horn 20 — The World's A /maniac for i8jg. — Had brought him to my aid. I merely mention this to show What you have not dreamed before, The singular efficiency Of the Secret Service Corps, Which hears each word that you can say, Sees each act that you can do When in contravention of the laws Of the U. S. Revenue. Farewell, that Ancient Mariner, Ere the skies of sunset pale, Shall be behind the gloomy grate Of Ludlow street its jail." He went, that Signal Officer, On the Ancient Mariner's trace, Peering with twenty-eagle power Into each suspicious place. I am happy — if the lady Is a reader — to say to her That he captured the daring smuggler; At least, so I infer, For at night-fall I beheld them A wet-goods store within. Engaged were they in deep debate O'er an amicable gin. When they had lubricated Sufficiently their throats, They made an equal division Of a goodly roll of notes. " To-morrow," that stern detective Of the Secret Service Corps Said to the Ancient Mariner, " We '11 work the old thing once more. Fatherland — Pa-trie. An abstract science — Pocket-picking. Flat burglary — Breaking into a French tenement house. The height of absurdity — diving to dead-head one's way on the street-cars by representing <>ne\ sell to be a spotter. — The World's Almaniac for i8jg. — 21 ,gr$derick md the ^illeij of §mm gauci. FREDERICK THE GREAT, having resolved to build for himself a regal palace at Potsd n, was surprised and dis- gusted to find that a Miller who owned the adjacent property of Sans Souci was unwilling to part with it save at an extravagant valuation. To all threats, offers and blandishments he was proof. The cunning monarch thereupon decided to accomplish by strat- agem what he could not compass by force or flattery, and, affecting great admiration for his plebeian neighbor's character, requested the privilege, as a trifling testimonial of his regard, of being permitted to fit the Miller's residence throughout with all the modern conveniences. The unsuspecting Miller gladly accepted this offer, and the Court Plumber speedily did the work, which, the King frequently said to the owner of the prop- erty, "shall not cost you a cent." About three weeks later the hot-water pipe in the range got out of order, and the Miller sent for the Court Plumber. * * Before the roses bloomed again, the Miller had gone over the hills to the Poor- house, and the King had purchased his mill at a comparatively low figure from the Court Plumber, who had taken it in part payment of his bill. To his dying day the witty monarch declared that his words had come true— the modern conven- iences had not cost the Miller a cent, but only a mill. THERE was a jolly pastor once That purchased a degree ; Said he, " Nobody cares for any one That is n't a D. D." " It 's typhoid! " "To me it seems more like diphtheria." "Diphtheria? Pooh-pooh! all the symptoms indicate typhoid." "Typhoid ? Ha, ha I To you perhaps, but any one with half an eye can see differently.'' " It 's typhoid ! " '"Diphtheria!" " Go on, go on ; we 11 have the post-mortem next week and then we '11 see who 's right." * A nf.w I Art.— Whenever a death-watch is intro- duced in a modern novel, it should be a stem-winder, and open- faced. Waltham preferred. 22 — The World's Almaniac for i8yg. — (^incitumtits. CINCINNATUS having quitted (by a g. m. for the other can- didate) public life, retired to his Sabine farm, where he assid- uously devoted himself, in the presence of reporters, corre- spondents and artists for the illustrated papers, to the cultivation of prize cabbages that cost him ten talents apiece, when better ones could have been purchased in the neighboring mart of Volturnum for a beggarly denarius. The country shortly afterwards being in danger, the eyes of the citizens were turned (by the political managers) upon Cin- cinnatus as a candidate who would run ahead of his ticket, and he was nominated on the first regular ballot, the nomination, on motion of the Edile L. Marcius Mucilaginus, being made unan- imous, a committee of three being appointed to wait upon the candidate and notify him of the convention's action. The aged hero, beholding them rein in their foaming chargers at his gate, bade his slaves see that the Falernian had been kept on snow from Soractus (the pious customs of the people prescribing that on such solemn occasions a libation -should be set up), and having wreathed the fragrant hay-seed in his hair, and thrust his toga into the tops of his sandals, adjured his steers, in a voice of thunder, to gee, haw, etc. The delegates, having been informed that ole Marse Cincin- natus was ploughing in the medder lot, made their way thither, and approached the patriot across the even furrows. " Get out'n here ! get out'n here! " exclaimed the hero, as he halted his smoking steers. " I don't want no Osage orange hedges, artesian wells, wire fences, Norway oats — nothin', and if the far-darting Zeus from the sacred top of Olympus wants to smite my new barn with his thunderbolts, do you s'pose he's going to let a quarter-inch copper wire, even if it has a platinum point, stand in his road? Git! " " Bounce, but hear us," exclaimed the leader of the delegation, as he stretched forth his hand ; " the country is in danger, and it is the duty of every good citizen to " "Pull down thy toga 1" cried the hero, with ineffable dis- gust : " Have we Cicero here ? I have n't registered nor paid my poll-tax, and no matter who it is you are running for tribune I have n't a vote. Besides, what has my country done for me, eh? The foul plebeians rent the air with cries of Cttsarism ! ' 'No third term!' and the like, after I had secured the Veii nomination, and I hardly carried a single province. What art thou giving me ? Lemme me go on with my midsummer ploughing like an honest farmer." " O, CincinnatUS, sprung from ancestral kings, our protector and sweet ornament, exclaimed the orator, " we have posted — The World's Almaniac for i8yg. — 23 hither to inform thee that at the Democratic Convention to-day thou wert nominated for Consul by acclamation, and the sacred augurs have divined from the entrails of the sacrifices that thou shalt be elected without any need of an Electoral Commission. Nay, more ; as we rode hither by the Mount of Aventine we beheld thrice three vultures upon our left, and a lioness — this is no circus puff— hath whelped in the Capitol." " 'Sthat so ? " said the ancient hero ; and, dropping his ox-goad, he drew from the breast-pocket of his toga a roll of papyrus, and began : " Patres conscripti, this unexpected announcement finds me entirely unprepared," etc. They had a hard-cider and log-cabin campaign, and elected him in triumph : thus Rome was saved. g ft? <§ choal <#t/?f Wilis alarming disease (which fortunately is not often fatal) is A epidemic among children attending the public schools, and usually manifests itself with the greatest virulence early in September. Symptoms. — The patient who went to bed over-night in per- fect health, complains upon wakening of lassitude, loss of appetite, and alarming pains in the head and throat. The symptoms are aggravated towards 8.30 A. M., and in a few minutes the disease reaches a crisis. Mental composure being restored by permission to remain from school, the patient shows signs of recovery, his appetite returning, and by 10 o'clock he is able to take gentle exercise on a cellar-door, or in connection with a hoop. A relapse, however, is to be expected immediately after dinner and before afternoon school, with the same symp- toms that preluded the first attack, though severer in degree. Towards 2 o'clock the patient is out of danger, but from time to time the disease is likely to recur. Treatment. — Put the clock on an hour. In severe cases apply stimulating embrocations of slipper or trunk-strap. Let nature not have its course. Shakespeare, in his way and day, was by no means an unsuc- cessful dramatist ; but there is no saying to what pinnacles of fame he might not have soared if he had taken the simple pre- caution of having ■' Hamlet " and "Macbeth " properly adver- tised by an injunction suit prior to their first presentation. 24 ■The World's Alma niac for 18/Q. "He made," they say, "his living off of us, And we shall live on him now we are able ; Thus Esop comes to the Esophagus — Doth warmly furnish the Thanksgiving table. Now do the turkeys hold high festival And muster mirthful to their rich repast : The convives first shall to their dinner fall, And — as he carves — the gobbler to his last. The World's Almaniac for ifyp.- -5 26 — The World's Almaniac for i8jg. — penciling the §owtg gdex. '"TjTTKXTIOX, children!*' said the principal, entering the /I class-room, followed by a stranger ; " this gentleman will ask you a few questions in arithmetic. He is the superintend- ent of schools at Mule Gulch, Nevada, that great Western State of which you have so often heard." " Which his name are Dodd — Shorty Dodd," said the visitor, and mounting the platform he drew a bowie-knife from his boot- leg and tapped for attention on the desk. " We will now proceed to do a sum in simple edition. A gentleman who had a head on him from last night, met another gentleman in the Dew Drop Inn, who put a head on him. How many heads did that gentleman have on him ? ' Three ! ' Now you 're talking. We will next proceed to substractiqn. Wall-eyed Bob had five fin- gers on his left hand (including his thumb) when he injudiciously called Buckskin Joe a limping mule. Buckskin Joe drawed his eleven-inch tooth-pick, and the barkeeper subsequently swept up two fingers. How many fingers had Wall-eyed Bob left ? 'Three! ' You 're right, and 1 've $500 here in this little pocket-book that says you are." " We generally do these sums in apples and other domestic fruit," said the principal, timidly. " Quite right, quite right," said the gentleman from the far West, " but my plan is universally admitted to be more national — more patriotic. It was criticised some at our last convention at Gallows Forks, but a majority favored it, and the gentleman which opposed it walks with a crutch yet. Now then, kids, hump yourselves for a problem in multiplication and edition. A gentleman held a full at a social game of poker — three nines and two sevens; how many spots was on his cards ? ' Forty- one ! ' Surely ! Mister, your class is no slouch of a class at 'rithmetic. I will just give the kids one more — an easy one. Five hoss-thieves had operated for five days before the Vigilantes hung them, and had stolen twenty-eight head of stock. How many hosses a day did each hoss-thief steal ? ' One and three- twenty-fifths of a boss!' Right, and if any man says you ain't, don't take it from him, if he \s as big as a grain-elevator. Now, mister man, trot out your class in moral philosophy ! " * "WALKED -ixty-six miles between daylight and dusk, over a rough country road — O, no you did n't." •• I 'id n't I. then ! Just ask Smith. lie was with me." " O, if Smith was with you, I don't say you did n't. That only made 33 miles apiece, and any one can do that." ■The World's Afaianiac for i8yg. — 27 §£alkgmnd mid the Ranker* PRIXCE Talleyrand once said, addressing the respected President of a Savings Bank : " Mon ami, you do not know how to pick oakum?" " No, your Excellency,'' was the reply. " Quelle triste vieillesse vous vous prepare z ! What a sad old age you are preparing for yourself! " said the great diplo- matist, with his peculiar mocking smile. fTlic getuhqt gaptr §itt(ggcr. I T was a Paper Hangger, Moved easily to anger, Was fitting up the parlor Of two old maids. A snarler Was either, and one hostess Was 'leaf as any post i-. The one of them that bossed him, She so perplexed and crossed him, With plan, request, suggestion, Entirely out of question, That each time on his ladder He clambered he got madder; And, at last, when she went out of The room, he launched a shout of Exceeding rage and rancor. '•The blank-dashed blank, dash blank her. When lo ! unto his oreille The breeze a murmur bore. "I — - your pardon, Mr., The deaf one is my sister." 28 — The World's Almatiiac for i8yg.- Jtyra/g*. yPHE great philosopher, Socrates, the patentee of that system A for concealing the ignorance of one's self by exposing that of the other disputant, the Socratic method, as he was passing along the street, beheld an Athenian mowing his lawn, and desiring, as he said, — for he always loved to season his morning walk and conversation with attic salt, — to lawn-mower of the subject, questioned the man as follows : " What you doing ? " " Mowing the grass." " What with ? " "A lawn-mower." " Where 'd you buy it ? " "At 'Htoxxomouroson's, in the Piraeus." " What 'd he charge you, hey ? " "Fourteen tetadrachmas." " Don't you think it was too much ? " " Oh, I guess not." "Why?" The sage having thus given the sophist an unanswerable poser and exposed the wretched man's ignorance, took up another branch of the subject, when the following conversation ensued : " Whose patent is it ? " " Menelodon and Co's." " Why did n't you get the Bos Athenian ? " " 'Cause I preferred this." " Why did you prefer this ? " " Because I wanted to." " Why did you want to ? " '"Cause I preferred this." The philosopher paused here triumphantly, to call the atten- tion of two of his pupils to the fact that the wretched sophist was arguing in a vicious circle, said : " I 'm a terror on sophists, I tell ye," and continued : " Why do you push that machine ? " "Because I like to." " Why do you like to ? " "Dun no." " How does the old tiling work ? " "None of your blamed business." " Why don't you cut the grass with a pair of shears and a jack-knife ? " Silence, amid which the blue waves of the Egean could be heard lapping the sunny shore. "Why don't you hire a helot to do it, hey?" — The World's Almaniac for i8yg. — 29 No answer. " I reckon he is driven up a grove of sacred pines," said the phil- osopher, benevolently, to his pupils; "then," he continued, " I will ask him just one more, — an easy one," — and he said : "Why " Here the Athenian citizen, crying, " Who are you, anyhow ? What blank business of yours is it, anyway ? What are you giving me ? What do you take me for ? You just get out of here, p. d. q., or you '11 never feel gout again," charged upon the philosopher with his lawn-mower, as when the chieftains of Scythia urge their scythe-armed chariots upon the foe. Socrates, who in his youth had repeatedly obtained the vic- tor's crown in the sprint-races at Olympia, and who — thanks to his temperate life — was always in training, easily eluded his foe, and, taking refuge in the temple of Neptune, said to his pupils : " You see he had to adopt the Socratic method too ? None genuine without my name on the wrapper." Some weeks later, as the Athenian citizen, who preferred his lawn a la mowed, was walking in the public square, he beheld a large crowd assembled, and, on asking the reason, was informed that the eminent philosopher Socrates was being judged of the people. There was, his informant said, a tie vote and the poll would close immediately. " Give me a shell ! " said the citizen, excitedly ; '■' a big one — a Saddle Rock." It was handed to him, and he wrote thereon in big letters, "Death ! " and cast it into the urn. The customary proclama- tion, " Hemlock for one ! " having been made, the illustrious victim was led away, saying, as he passed the citizen : " What did you do that for ? Oh, you don't know : well, why don't you know ? " * The suite by and by— A French flat next May. The biggest mosquito is the one that gets away. A merry Hart is a continual feast— Robin Hood. The world is governed too much. — Justus Schwab. The original pooling of issues took place at Bethesda. Let the dead past bury its dead — we will cremate ours. " Don't give up the schooner ! " — Lawrence on his bier. 30 — The World's Almaniac for 1879. — JPr Woman (Question. i 20 — Who At 1 30— What Is He ? ( 40 — Where It is curious to speculate as to what might have been the course of history if Abraham, previous to the destruction of Sodom and Gomorrah, had had the experience of modern agri- culturists. In that case he would have mistaken the three men who approached his tent on the plains of Mam re for tree-ped- dlers or lightning-rod agents, and future generations would not have had to remember Lot's wife. With ill-concealed uneasiness, A new-made son-in-law, A friend's revolver handling, His spouse's mother saw. He fidgeted and worried Till his friend said in his ear: "Compose yourself, old fellow, It 's loaded — never fear ! " (77^ Hull in the (flrinu §hoy> IS BULL, finding himself in a China Shop, was induced by /l the attendant Salesman (who was unable to escape) to ex- amine some Little Brown fugs and Pictures wherewith to decorate them. While he was engaged in this aesthetic Oc- cupation, a Breathless Policeman entered the Shop, and, after nteen unsuccessful attempts, shot him through his (house- hold) I lenrl. Moral— The Fable teaches us thai Precious Lime maybe Wasted ovr. Keramii The World's Almaniac for i8yg. — 31 JP? Slcmgoosi* unci th$ j£atra. HI MOXGOOSE, engaged in single Combat with a Cobra, /*■ called "Thyme ! " in order to refresh itself with a Medici- nal Herb, then, feeling itself well healed, was about to renew the Contest, when the Serpent proposed that they should form a Partnership for the Manufacture and Sale of Vegetable Bit- ters. His subtle Advice being followed, and the Virtues of their Compound painted upon the most inaccessible Precipices of the Himalayas, the Partners did not fail speedily to acquire a Gigantic Fortune. Moral. — Sweet are the Uses of Advertising — Especially Bitters. (f Ifc (Oiuniomtcd Q)rtrich. TIN Ostrich, being asked her Opinion of the October Elec- / A tions, thrust her Head beneath the Sands of the Desert, and replied that, so far as she could see at present, they were entirely without Significance. Moral. — The Truth is not to be Proken in all Cases to vour Readers. 3 §h$ Vcifuitih (fliiimckon mti the llild c 7.w. TJ VERSATILE Chameleon, having induced a Wild Ass / A of the Desert to join him in 'snuffing up the East Wind, the patient Quadruped, after a lengthened Trial of the Diet, complained of its Pack of Nutrition. " Do you live upon Air, Ibrayvou?" he at last said to his Companion. "Why, frankly replied the Chameleon; "that is the Popular impression, but, over and above my Official Salary, I salt away a few Flies and other Perquisites." " Why, then," wheezed the long-eared Brute, who had brayed himself hoarse during the Campaign, "did you expect me to live on Air?" " O, because you are an Ass," airily answered the Chameleon. Moral. — This Fable Explains how a Man can pay $6,000 to get a $5,000 Office, spend his Salary for House-rent, and Retire Rich. 32 — The World 's A /maniac for 1879. — $[hc ^LmUtious §nll mid the jgfapr*** 1&*in* S ZT HORNY-HEADED Bull, fired with Ambition to become a fJL Railroad King, undertook to butt an Express Train into the Swamp. He failed in his Enterprise, however, and returned to the dear old Homestead in the Condition of Jerked Beef a la Mud. Moral. — The Foregoing Fable conveys a Warning to Rural Folk to Stick to the Farm and avoid Taking Flyers in Rail- roads. A farmer had seven daughters, And but little else he had ; And the girls all had good appetites; And times were very bad. He bribed the county paper To say in his cellar's mold He had hidden, being a miser, Seven kegs of red, red gold. He thought he knew human nature, That farmer and he smiled When down the seventh rope-ladder he Saw elope his seventh child. But it is extremely doubtful If at the time he foresaw Their return with his fourteen grandchildren And seven sons-in-law. jThe §mf mi th<{ ^junction. TT HEN, having a new Egg in process of Rehearsal, being /A desirous of obtaining for its First Appearance the widest Publicity, consulted a wise old Rooster, who advised her to have the Egg henjoined. " But," hazarded the simple Fowl, "I want to cackle about it." "So you can, my dear,*' replied the Gallinaceous Patriarch ; "the Injunction is to attract the Wider Audience that would not hear you cackle " Moral— Go to the Hen, thou Dramatist: Consider her Ways, and Be Wise. — The World's Almaniac for i8jg. — 33 JP?£ "§en and the Jlmcricm !Qumori§L TTX American Humorist, chancing to encounter a Hen, /i said to her : " Science teaches us that you contain, on an Average, Three hundred and eighty-two Eggs ; when you have Laid these, what becomes of you?" "I am usually decapi- tated and sold for a Spring Chicken," replied the truthful Fowl, and, she added significantly, " /, alas, cannot lay the same Egg over again, or Lecture." Moral. — "What a Piece of Work is a Hen ! How noble in Reason ! How infinite in Faculties ! " Omelet, Prince of Hen- mark. ghc §rahmitj ill\o T)iul §een ghe ghplmnt. TJ BRAHMIX, who had been to See the Elephant, returned, [*■ and to his open-mouthed Congregation described the Ani- mal as surprising within himself the principal Characteristics of the Tiger, Bulbul, Rhinoceros, Shark, Boa Constrictor and Peacock. "'They will hardly recognize you," said the other Inmates of the Jungle. "Nevermind — I'll recognize them," said the old Rogue, sardonically, and charging (with the Gait of 'Elephant) upon a Procession of Bald-headed Pilgrims, he left most of them dead at his feet. Moral. — So much for the Buckingham. gft%5 Qot (Bcticnilln lu\onn. That Paul was the first author that addressed himself to the Gentile Reader : That the animals in the Ark were all at sexes and sevens : That Dalila was the first female barber, and got Sampson where the hair was short : That the Judge failed to marry Miss Muller because he could not stand his prospective mother-in-law— (Ma'-ed Muller — See ? ) : That Cpesar loved his quid, and in his mantle muffling up his face, even at the base of Pompey's statue, said, "A chew, Brute!" 34 — The World's A /maniac for i8jg.- ~is^$&- A FROG he would a-moving go Where there was more room and rentX were low, So off he went in his new silk hat, And on the way he dwellings looked at. Toadstool to Let," the landlord sung; he Still thought the prospect far from fungi. They offered him dwellings too cold and damp (For the plastering was new), So he has gone back to the dismal swamp For another year or two. /,, '^Vu* r * — The World's Alma?iiac for iSyg. 35 36 — The World's Abnaniac for 1879. — (^altttnbuH md the Jggg. COLUMBUS, while at the court of Castile, being unable to induce any of the grandees to take a hand at cards with him, cast about for some other method of obtaining the funds neces- sary for the equipment of his squadron, and soon hit upon a notable plan. One day, when the courtiers were gathered around the stately monarch, he adroitly turned the conversation upon feats of dex- terity, then casually drawing an egg from his doublet, said he would bet two doubloons and a half none of them could make that egg stand on one end on the table. " Ha! ' laughed the light-hearted Roderigo d'Ossuna. Queen Isabella's favorite page, " by my fay, thou seekest a soft thing, but I have a hundred rose moidores in that"— and he flung a purse filled with gold upon the table — " which say that thou canst not do it neither." " I take that, seiior," said Columbus, as he drew from his wallet several treasury notes of large denominations ; " does any other grandee want to come in ? " " Conversation is cheap, but money talks," said, sententiously, the saturnine Ruy Gomez d'Ollapodrida y Hacienda, Hereditary Grand Cup-bearer of the Empire, as he placed upon the table a bag containing ten thousand ducats. Other members of the gay court speedily followed his example, and in a few moments the table was heaped high with gold, silver, precious stones, certified checks, jewels and golden chains. Columbus, with a smile of conscious superiority, took the tiny product of the hen and jammed it down upon the table with such force as to break in the end; then, removing his hand, showed that the egg was standing. " If there is any other athletic sport with which ye are acquainted, gentles." he said softly as he began to empty his winnings into a three-bushel bag which he drew from his doub- let, " I beseech ye of your courtesy that ye will mention it." " Hold ! " exclaimed loudly a beardless page, Ramirez Guzman de Maravedi ; "my lord Columbus, what were the terms of thy wager ? Bethink thee, now ! " u That I would make this egg stand upon one end, sir mala- pert ! What art thou giving me, hey ? " replied the illustrious discoverer. "Then thou hast lost, ami I will prove it thee. Is not this one end of the egg ? " he said, touching the upper extremity of the fragile hen-fruit. " It is, sirrah," replied ( loiumbus : "and what an' it were? " -And is n<>t this," continued the child, as he indicated the portion of the shell that had been broken in — " is not this the — The World's Almaniac for 1S79. — 37 OTHER END ??? Thou hast not set the egg upon one end, but on the other." A tremendous wrangle ensued, which was not assuaged till Ferdinand had leaped from his throne, and, drawing his mighty two-handed sword, spoiled many breadths of the costly carpet- ing with the best blood of Spain, and sworn by his royal word that the matter should be referred to the Madrid Clippero. In the next issue of that paper appeared the following among the " Responsas al Correspondences " : Ferdinand (Madrid) — Columbus loses. A few days after this, as history records, a way-worn and penniless traveler appeared at the gates of the Convent of La Granja, begging charity of the good monks. It was Columbus. The Big Beaunanza — West Point in commencement week. Whist proverb. — When in doubt take the trick : you may not be noticed doing so. Summer is so called because it is a season when most people think they must go summer. Managers of expositions think like the corrupt statesman that every man has his prize. The devil pays poor wages and has long hours, yet how rarely is there a strike against him ! The man who could not abide the necessary cat is believed to have been an opponent of corporal punishment. The very heirs of our heads are numbered, which is where they have the advantage over our oldest and wealthiest citizens. " Hard toims ? I belave ye, whin me family has had to discharge its ancestral banshee, not being aiqual to the expinse of supporting it." By a typographer. — The cause of dirtiness in a proof is mat- ter in the wrong place. And why do not men speak of the leaded instead of the solid Muldoon ? Dalila did very well as a barber, but at last the impulse of her sex and profession overcame her, and she had to say some- thing to the intense discomfort of her customer. 38 — The World's Ahnaniac for 1879. — §hi{ gion mid tt\t &ptftthta[. ■TJ SPECULATOR, who had sold a Lion's Skin at 26, for /A Future Delivery, went out into the Desert to Cover his Shorts, and came unexpectedly upon the Monarch of the Wilds, in all his might and mane. In an Agony of Terror, the Abject Wretch pleaded for his Life, offering to give the Lion some Points, but the Monster replied, contemptuously : " I am long of Men myself, and hence have no Speculation in the Eyes which I do glare with. But your Presumption merits, and shall receive, Condign Punishment. Return, sirrah, and henceforth take care not to sell what you have not got and cannot deliver." The miserable man went home, and some Lion's Skin, pre- ferred, was bought for him, under the rule, at 260. Moral. — He that Maketh Haste to be Rich shall not Win a Cent. Why cannot I, dearest/' said he, As they walked together at night, Pluck for you from the heaven blue Yon diamond star so bright ! " All, you cannot," answered the maiden, As her bosom rose and fell, But if you will stop at yon jeweller's shop — He has one will do as well." * Woman's fear — The mouse. The Barber's motto — There 's nothing like lather! Good soldiers are like the retired physician's sands of life — they have never run. " You seem to have a cold," said kindly the State Superin- tendent of Public Instruction to the teacher of the country school. " I have that honor," said the teacher, humbly and gratefully. It is a venial sin To steal a menial pin, Bui a brilliant financial operation To steal a railroad corporation. — The World's Ahna,7iiac for iS/p. — 39 WH e H&ounttijinim mid the Jfe& HJ COUNTRY Fellow and his Son, who were taking an Ass /I to Market, having bestridden the Animal, were pro- ceeding on their Way with great Glee, when they were accosted by a Clown, who cried, " Here 's a pretty Go ! Two great lub- berly Fellows riding a duodecimo Ass ! Why don't you carry the Ass, instead of making the poor Creature carry you ? " "See here," responded the elder Rider, "is this your Ass ? " " No," replied the Bumpkin. " Do you want to buy this Ass ?" "N-no." "Be you Mr. Bergh?" "Naw." "Then, what durn Business of Yours is it about this Ass, anyway? " Struck with the Justice of this Rebuke, the Clown hurled a Brickbat at his Interlocutor and slunk shamefacedly away. Moral. — The Average Merciful Man is Merciful to his Neigh- bor's Beast. f/« §aikd ®wl TJ BOILED Owl, whose Imagination had peopled the Twi- J*- light Woods with Snakes, finding that Reform was Neces- sary, swore off, and, becoming an Apostle of Temperance, hooted thereafter at $300 a week, and Expenses, to Crowded Barns. Moral. — Long as the Lamp holds out to Burn, the Sinner Lecturer may Turn. * " DEAR husband," said the dying wife," I feel that I must go; When I am dead, pray lay me where the thingummics do blow ; And plant the sweet what-you-may-call both at my head and feet, And an umbrageous what's-its-name to cool the solar heat, And o'er me place a monument, and on its marble page Recite my name and anything you like except my age, Lor you would not have me put to shame in the sweet by and by; And see that my false teeth are in. How easy 't is to die !" Ah, that grief-stricken husband he was sure a loyal one, For her tomb-tone made her Six Years old at 'the birth of her eldest son. 40 — The World's Almaniac for i8yg. — ^oitm ^nntmiun of Ufa* jfawtf* Dime is money. Levity is the soul of wit. Barking dogs never bite.|| Least said, soonest ended. It is never too late to lecture. At the end of life we are in death. Great oaks from, little acorns grow. Absence makes the heart grow fonder.}: The longest poll takes the persimmons. $ You can eat your cake — and halve it, too. A nod is as good as a wink to a blind girl. Birds of a feather flock together to keep warm. Don't halloa when you 're out of the bush.* In the multitude of councillors there is satiety. Where there 's a will there 's a weigh of evidence. Half the world does n't know how the other half lives, but it wants to.t * You have no occasion to. t The female half. I Of some one else. § Unless there is a Returning Board. || They can't while they are barking. THE lawyer and his coachman were driving out one day, The team upon the boulevard took fright, and ran away, " They 11 run, sir, over sonic one; for stop them no one can.'' "Well, if you must," sighed the lawyer, "run over some cheap man." — The World's Almaniac for i8?p. — 41 § f §earts and §mts, The world, indulgent for faults, is merciless toward errors. The only superiority a woman pardons in a man is that of strength. Climbing mountains develops legs in some people and wings in others. There is one thing worse than a fool's stupidity — namely, a wise man's. .Women love as much as they believe and men as much as they wish — but no more. A parvenu never lives near or opposite anybody. Everybody lives near or opposite him. For all of us, and especially for women, the emptier years are the more heavily do they weigh. Love wears itself out more with the pains of jealousy than with the pleasures of possession. Passion is like a mountain which one takes to touch heaven because it loses its head in the clouds. There is only one thing more idiotic than customs and usages, and that is neglect to conform to them. Wit may make one forget a woman's age, but only goodness will only cause it to be forgiven and beloved. Old ladies should cling to the fashions of their day ; displaying one's time often saves one from showing one's age. When a woman tells the truth about her age, one may be reasonably sure that she is like a prisoner who confesses his guilt so as to testify against his fellows. There may be some way of keeping a man's heart, but there is none of keeping a woman's. She takes back her love — she knows not why, even as she gave it — she knew not how. 6 42 — The World's Almaniac for 1879. — Alas ! though birds are building in his tail Their nests, to drive them off he is not spunky Enough ; he can but shiver, groan and wail — " Sick transit gloria monkey / " The World's Abnaniac for l8yg.- 43 44 — The World's Almaniac for i8yg. — A Drama in Five Acts. I. — Her husband was horribly jealous, though he had no rea- son to be so. She had one evening stopped to tea at a friend's house, and there was no male member of the family to see her home, and her friend was ill. Nothing for it, therefore, but to make her way home alone. II. — Scarcely had she set foot in the street than she perceived that she was followed by a Man, who quickened his pace when she walked rapidly, and loitered when she paused at a shop- window to allow him to pass. There was no policeman in sight ; the street was a lonely one, and there was nobody in the shops — whose owners did not advertise. III. — With a beating heart she resolved to baffle her unknown admirer, and so plunged into the first open store she came to. It was a shoe store, and the proprietor could have made more money by exhibiting himself to an intelligent public as a defor- mity. He was, however, a kind-hearted and valiant man, and when she told him of her persecutions volunteered to go out and lick the gay Lothario, or give him in charge of the police. IV. — "Not so," replied the lady: "I would not have any scandal for the world, so insanely jealous is my husband. But if you will kindly allow me to remain here a few minutes till that impudent wretch, whoever he is, has gone by." " With pleas- ure, madam," replied the shoe-maker, " and if you will take a seat behind the screen here in the customer's measuring chair you will be shielded from view." She did so, and the shoe-maker resumed his occupation of putting an invisible patch on a woman's No. 4. V. — In the course of fifteen or twenty minutes, the lady's fears having somewhat abated, she desired the hospitable shoe- maker to look out into the street and sec if it was clear. He did so, and returned with the gratifying intelligence that there was not a soul in sight. Thanking him for his shelter and kindness, she went to the door, looked timidly up and down the street, and seeing no one. darted out and resumed her homeward way. Almosl instantly her persecutor sprang out from the door-way where he had been concealed, and hastened after her, this time with a purpose in his steps, for he soon overhauled her, and gripping her by the arm, hissed in her nerveless ear : " False, ana to me, and for a wall-eyed, hump-backed, red-headed, slab- sided, knock-kneed, splay-footed cobbler ! My worst suspicions are more than realized. Viper! " She fainted. The World's Aimaniac for i8yg. — 45 ghe §rudmt §elmn. 'DX Opulent Pelican of the Wilderness, being tempted to J*> feed her Callow Brood with Blood from her Gentle Breast, reflected upon the possible Consequences of rearing a Family ; then, yielding to the Impulses of her Better Nature, committed an extensive Infanticide, and was acquitted, without leaving the Nest, by a Jury of Parents. Moral. — Birds in their Little Nests Agree that 't is a Sorry Sight when Children of one Family to Break a Will unite. §h$ gchool of §or$oh$x. TI JOYOUS School of Porpoises, observing among their /l number an Odd Fish, undertook to Haze him, and with much Merriment stood him upon his Back. Their Fellow- student, however, proved to be a young Shark, who had cut several Rows of Teeth, and this Ridiculous Position precisely suiting him, he lost no Time in qualifying most of his Assail- ants to fill a Porpoise' Grave. Moral.— Haze Not At All. Athletic sport — the Cricket on the Earth. The original Dumb Waiter — Elaine's servant. Conducted on the eight-oar system — the Yale-Harvard boat- race. " Place aux D-ns " — a slippery spot on the sidewalk in winter. The Russian roads are measured by the verst ; that 's the kind of roads they are. Jonah may not have been the wisest man, but he knew enough to come in out of the wet. Conundrum dedicated (by special permission) to the Coaching Club : " What is the difference between the boot of a coach and the shoe of a horse ? " 46 — The Worlds Almaniac for i8?p.~ J\i ghe ghree gmlors. HERE were three tailors did compete For custom in the self-same street. The first set up a sign-board grand : "Jones, the Best Tailor in the Land/" The next a banner huge unfurled : "Smith, the Best Tailor in the World!!" The third, he was a modest man, And thus his business legend ran, Upon a placard small and neat: "Brown, the Best Tailor in the STREET!!! §he Mnt=gdter mid % Jitfc TIN Ant-Eater who had been to the Ants, considered their /A Ways and become Wise, opened an Institution for Savings which the economical little Creatures did not fail to Patronize. When they had laid by a sufficient sum for a rainy Day, he departed therewith Foreign Countries for to see, leaving the empty Hole to be divided among the Depositors. Moral. — There is which Traveleth Abroad and yet Increaseth, and there is which Layeth up that which is Meet and it Tend- eth to Poverty. TJ N Eagle having importuned an Aeronaut to give him a /I mounting Pass for his coming Balloon Ascension, the Aeronaut said, with some Surprise, " You can at will soar to Vast I Iri^hts and ^aze upon the midday Sum. whv then do you desire to go up in a Balloon?" The Bird of the broad ami sweeping Wing replied, "It is not the Pleasure of the Trip s,» much as the Reflection thai it Costs me Nothing." The Fathers of the Republic at that Moment looked up to Heaven, and made the Dead headed Eagle the Emblem of America. Moral* — Base is the Freeman that Pays. — The World's Alma?iiac for i8jg. — 47 TJN ELEPHANT returning from a Foreign Tour, was ap- /A proached by a Custom- House Inspector, who was about to examine his Trunk, when the Sagacious Mammoth said, as if soliloquizing, " The Elephant, though patient, is Sensitive to Injuries and possessed of a long Memory ; indeed he has been Known, after the Lapse of Thirty Years, to drench with filthy Water the Malicious Tailor who did not send his new Pants home on Saturday Night, as he had promised. With its Trunk it can uproot the strongest Wharf-piles, or rend a Man in pieces, yet — Marvel of Marvels ! — with the same Organ it can pick up a Coin and place it in the Vest Pocket of a Customs Official." "My dear sir, howdah do ? " exclaimed the Inspector ; " your Bag- gage is all right," and, placing a Chalk-mark on the gigantic Quadruped's Trunk, he proceeded to seize the Luggage of a Tourist who was not amenable to Coughs. Moral. — Man, Know the Ropes : all Knowledge centres Here. IP? J*^i§W/ wd the Igistoric %vcim, S ZT SHE-WOLF, who had rescued Historic Twins from the /A Yellow Tiber, being touched with compassion at their miserable Condition, Fed them from her savage Breast till they waxed Fat and then devoured them. Moral. — This Fable teaches us that People who Adopt American Infants (with full surrender) at Time of Birth, are not always actuated by Unselfish Motives. %ht Jfox m\d the gjares. TO' FOX, having been appointed Administrator of a Wealthy /A Rabbit's Estate, summoned the Hares before him, and de- manded of each if the property belonged to the Rival, who con- tested his Claim. All the answers being in the Negative, the Fox reported to the Court that none of the Parties were legally Inheritors, and the Estate was divided between him and the Court for Expenses. Moral. — It is Better to be a Door-keeper in the House of the Boss than to practice in the Courts of Equity. 48 — The World's A /maniac for i8yg.- <§uidq far ^tttfiiricHq ^unfari^ts. January. — Many of our best jokes are born with calls — New- Year's calls — and as a journal thing some allusion should be made to the practice of inaugurating diaries. By making your victim swear off, and towards the 15th backslide, you will fill two paragraphs with one subject. February. — About this time expect stout church-members to slip on sidewalks and utter comic oaths. 22d. — Feast of Little Hatchet. Age cannot wither it, nor custom stale its infinite lack of variety. March. — With the balmy breath of spring married men leave off overcoats, in pockets of which wives find letters entrusted for mailing to their mothers. April. — The needy citizen (Amer. impecuniosus) is seen on sunny days wearing his heavy clothing. Towards 20th, in Northern latitudes, auction jokes are in season. May. — House-moving. No comic report is complete without a quotation from " Othello." Place soap on basement stairs and train Irish servant-girls to step on it. June. — College Commencements; examination papers of oarsmen, essays by graduates. Early graduates spring up in newspaper offices, and fail to obtain employment at $3 per week. The strawberry festival giveth forth a goodly joke. July. — The Glorious Fourth, of course. Circus advertise- ments in season. Lovers reduced to comic insolvency by appe- tite of sweethearts for ice-cream. Short-sighted householders water neighbors with hose. August. — Honest farmers and picnicking cits invade and are invaded by hornets' nests. Tell us the old, old story of the husband who gives a stag party and writes to his absent wife of his loneliness, she answering the epistle in kind, while flirting with an alleged Italian count. September* — "And now " housekeepers make preserves and exchange their husband's heavy clothing for china shepherdesses. October. — The joke about the oyster supper is heard in the land. Let your capitalists in dusters remain out overnight. Wives find letters in husbands' pockets. (See March.) November. — Householders fall off of tables and bruise their thumbs while putting up stoves. Meek and bashful young men carve turkeys at Thanksgiving dinners. — The World's Almaniac for l8yg. — 49 December. — Jokes about plumbers are in season. Revival of interest in Sunday-school work in churches where festivals are to be held. E^ For the mother-in-law, the notion-peddler, Squinty Jim, the lame newsboy, Mr. Spankwazzle's baby, etc., there is no close season. And, in the words of Talleyrand, "Above all, no pathos." g~he "§on§e^ut\ting (£mh. TT CRAB, who had some Intention of casting his Skin, looked /A about him for a new Tenement, but was so discouraged by his House-hunting Experiences that he wisely resolved to renew his Lease of the old Premises for another Year. Moral. — Except the Tenant Like the House, the Landlord maketh Promises in Vain. Also : It is Better to Bear the House we Have than Move to Others that we Know not of. A GOOD name to call it — The Shirking Man's Movement. The Old Man Eloquent — Darwin on the Origin of Speeches. Some men's besetting sins are not half as bad as other men's besetting virtues. In dry weather the umbrella is not without its uses — it can be put up at one's uncle's. The festive bored — Guests while the young orator is replying to the toast of " The Ladies." How to raise the wind — Try and light a cigar out-of-doors of a calm still night with your last match. Without doubt, the Ingersolls of the early ages denounced the book of Daniel as uncanonical and uninspired, as an advance puff of Darius's circus and menagerie. A moment's reflection should convince you that when you say of a stranger that you " wouldn't know him from Adam," you are wildly inaccurate. They do not dress alike. 7 50 — The World's Ahnaniac for iSyg. — Away, away, and let her slide, But well her course control, There is no sport like this, beside Climbing the Arctic Pole. With major and with minor bears As swift the sleds descend, Observe how with surprise the hares- The hares do stand on end. Four carrion crows sit on a limb But do not laugh, because — The crow hath little fun in him — They 've not sufficient caws. The little birds the hill beside With music flood the airs : It looks to them like suicide To see self- sleighing bears. — The World's Ahna7iiac for 1879. — 5 1 52 — The World's Ahnaniac for iS/p. — W 1 * &V9*nt **{& the . *ZT BASHFUL Centipede, who was afraid to open his Mouth, /A lest he should put his Foot in it, Kept that useful Organ closed rather than expose himself to Ridicule, and speedily per- ished of Inanition. Moral. — Modesty is a Quality which highly Deforms a Man. o 58 — The World's Almaniac for 187Q. — %ht JtOfi and the 4ffousc. TJ LION having foreclosed a Mortgage on a Mouse, the trem- /l bling little Creature earnestly besought its Captor to spare its Life. "This is the Close Season for Mice," it declared; " besides, if I captured a Lion, I would be merciful and let him off." The magnanimous Monarch of the Forest thereupon released his Captive, who shortly after discovered his Benefactor taken in the Nets of the Hunter. " Now, then, Young Mouse," exclaimed the imprisoned Lion, " gnaw the Meshes of this Net, and assist me to escape, for of a verity, escape by my own Efforts I cannot." "Gnaw," replied the Mouse, "I could not for a Moment think of taking such a Liberty with the Property of a Hunter with whom I am not acquainted ; " and hastening to the Village near by, he gave the Hunter, who had sold Lions short, Points for which he was never rewarded. Moral. — Such is Life — in Wall Street. P? grog a n d tt[t 0x. TS FROG envious of the lordly Proportions of the Cattle in /A the Pasture, resolved that both the old Oxen were hope- lessly Corrupt, and started a Greenback party, declaring that he would poll Two Million Votes, and hold the Balance of Power between the existing Herds. On the Tuesday after the First Monday in November, however, the Herds came to battle over the possession of a choice Meadow, and in the melie % the Frog was trodden upon and flattened out. Moral* — : This is a Moral. • " Waiter, what 's this Potage d la Reine de Madagascar you 've got on the bill to-day ?" " It 's very nice, sir." " But what is it — how 's it made ?" " Split peas, sir, thickened." " Why, then, it \s pea-soup. What do you call it rotage d la Reine de Madagascar for ?" " To charge 40 cents a plate for it, sir." * Note. — The above is a Fiat Moral. The World's Almaniac for ifyp. — 59 JTfe (femtefnl ^Lnt m\d th$ (IJlampaffiomtc gjovq, ! UX Ant having fallen into a Brook, would certainly have been /A drowned, had not a Compassionate Dove, observing its miser- able Plight, extended to it a Blade of Grass, by means of which the unhappy Insect succeeded in reaching the Bank. " I will do as much for you another Time," said the Ant, gratefully. Some time afterwards, as the Ant was strolling through the Forest, it observed a Peasant who had bent his Bow to shoot its unsuspecting Preserver. The grateful Ant attempted to sting the Clown in the Heel, and thus destroy his Aim, but he had just had his Sandals re-soled, and, despite the Insect's good intentions, had Pigeon Pot-pie foj- Supper that Night. Moral. — Life is Real, and Things do not Always Come Out as they do in Books. "Villain!" " Scoundrel !" " I say you did !" "You're another !" " You only dare to say that because you are bigger 'n I am and have got a big stick, but just you put down that stick and I '11 show you." " There ! " (Pitts it down. ) " I '11 show you !" (Catches up stick and clubs the ex -propri- etor thereof till he flies for his life.) "I told you I'd show you!" (Exit, in triumph.) In Jonah's time, people did not wake up the wrong passenger. Never put off till to-morrow going out to see the man you can see between the acts. Eve was not a woman of an original "mind." If she had been, she would have respected the prohibition. Man is the same in all ages. In the Arabian Nights we read that a fisherman opened a bottle and out came the Djinn. The hallucination of afflicted people who regard railroad tracks as deaf and dumb asylums, is a source of profit to the coroners. 6o — The World's Almaniac for i8yg. — £ilwmcs uitl(ant ^eusoti "TTX Elephant, who had a chunk /A Of contraband stuff in his Trunk, Just said to the Custom- House man that he 'd bust him If his Baggage were not put through nunc. A Lark, fearing that, when the Skies Fell, he should be made into Pies, Said, "To make my Nest In the Grass will be best; Then, when the Skies fall, I will rise.' A Cooking Reformer who hied To the Isles where the Cannibals bide, To make them cut loose From the Frying-Pan's use, Was captured, and slaughtered, and — Fried. An Ostrich invited to come And partake of the Comforts of Home At $3, said meek- Ly, " My Stomach 's too weak," And swallowed an Axe, and did roam. A Bishop, run o' er by a Bus- Driver, made at the moment no Fuss, But a Box toutc de suite That no Driver could beat, Invented, and 'venged himself thus. A Pastor went into a slum With a Fish- Peddler's Horn and a Drum, And made people aware What he did n't see there, And thus he did famous become. A Mule with for music no Ear Shed o'er the fact no muly tear But gaily did caper Off to a newspaper To earn Fame as a Critic Severe, — The World's Almaniac for i8yg. — 61 " The Balance of Trade," says Mr. Stanley Jevons, in one of his recent works on Political Economy, " is a blest barren ideal- ity. Frinstance, you have a Yellow Bloodhound which you value at $i, and you export that dog with you some night as you are going out, and part with him for seventy-five cents, with part of which you purchase twelve schooners of beer. Return- ing at 2 a. M., you enter inwards at the Custom House, — i. e., the front door, — and the returns show that you have disposed of dog to the amount of $i, and have only brought back, there- for, nickels to the amount of 15 cents, 33.3 per cent, of which are as likely as not to be counterfeit. Such, however, is not the case, since all the facts do not appear on the Customs Registers (to the showings whereof superficial observers attach so much weight), for you have had 12 schooners of beer and a good time. Besides, you have got rid of the dog ! " Try not the pass," the old man said; The free list hath been sus-pend-ed." The Atheist that strews ashes upon the ice is nearer to the Kingdom than the Deacon who casts his Banana Peels where they may be trodden under foot by men. "Out ofThe World" Series. No. 1. COMIC FABLES, BY G. Washington ^Esop. TWENTY-SIX ILLUSTRATIONS BY F. S. CHURCH. Price 25 Cents. Everywhere by Book-sellers and News-dealers. No. 2. THE WORLD'S ALMANtAC 1879. ILLUSTRATIONS BY F. S. CHURCH. Price 25 Cents. No. 3. ARCHIBALD THE CAT, And other Sea Yarns, BY "THE OLD SAILOR." Price 25 Cents. Address THE WORLD, 35 Park Row. the world's Employment Office. ^PHE WORLD has opened at 1,244 and 1,246 Broadway, between •*• Thirty-first and Thirty-second Streets, "An Employment Office and Bureau of Information," for the purpose of helping honest AND CAPABLE servants to secure good places, and of enabling employers to obtain such servants in the simplest, surest and quickest way. Only Servants of good established character will be allowed to register at this office, and after they have reg- istered they will be sent only to places where they may expect to secure satisfactory and permanent situations. At present servants out of place can only get employment by paying a fee at an intelligence office, and employers in need of servants can obtain them only in the same way. Both the employer and the em- ployee pay a fee every time they apply to the intelligence office, and it is therefore obviously the interest of the intelligence office that servants shall change their places as frequently as possible. But it is not the interest of the servant to be constantly changing from place to place, nor is it the interest of the employer to be constantly changing servants. Such changes involve useless expense and loss of time, both of which we believe will be avoided by those who use The World's bureau. The plan upon which The World proposes to conduct this office must commend itself to employers, we believe, as well as to servants. The Evening Post recently said with perfect truth, in commenting upon the subject, that " to hope to obtain a good servant at an ordinary intel- ligence office is like hoping to draw a prize in the lottery." No reliance whatever can be placed^rt^the so-called "characters" given at most of these places. Every one who applies and pays the regulation fee is allowed to register and is recommended to a place. No such indiscrimi- nate course will be pursued in The World's bureau. Every one who applies for registration will be required to fill up a blank, giving his or her name, address, occupation and nationality, with the name of his or her last employer. This blank will be sent to the applicant's last employer by a confidential agent, who will obtain specific information as to the applicant's honesty, sobriety and trustworthiness. If the answers to these inquiries are satisfactory, the applicant will be allowed to register his or her name kept in books of record for that purpose at The World Employment Office, an advertisement will then be admitted to the columns of The World, and the servant will then, and only then, be recommended to a suitable situation. No applicant will be recommended until such inquiries have been made, excepting in the case of servants bringing letters of recommendation from recog- nized and settled ministers of any religious denomination. The great- est care will be taken to make sure that the servants whose names appear on The World's register are thoroughly honest and capable, so that employers can engage them without being put to the trouble even to make inquiries as to their characters. In six weeks from the day on which the Employment Office was opened, ONE THOUSAND AND EIGHTY-SIX EMPLOYERS had been supplied with suitable servants. The Office has become a necessity to housekeepers, and has been imitated by other newspapers in other cities . \