iEx HthrtB 
 
 SEYMOUR DURST 
 
 When you leave, please leave this hook 
 
 Because it has heen said 
 "Sver'thing comes t' him who waits 
 
 Except a loaned hook." 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 Avery Architectural and Fine Arts Library 
 Gift of Seymour B. Durst Old York Library 
 
 
Digitized by the Internet Archive 
 in 2013 
 
 http://archive.org/details/generalcensureorOOunse 
 
Oft 
 
.GENERAL C*.iV, 
 
 OR, /V" 
 
 SAMPSON 
 
 WITH A JAW-BONE IN HIS HAND. 
 
 £ INTENDED AS A REPROOF TO 
 
 RELIGIOUS AND POLITICAL ENTHUSIASTS ; 
 
 POINTING OUT THE ERRORS OF / 
 CORPORATIONS, FASHION-FOLLOWERS, HIRELING-MINISTERS, 
 > SLAVE-HOLDERS, GROG-DRINKERS, &c. kc. 
 
 BY A- H. 
 
 NEW-YORK : 
 
 PRINTED FOR THE AUTHOR 
 
(copy-right SECURED.) 
 
DEDICATION 
 
 TO Dr. DAVID FOWLER. 
 
 Beloved Si*, 
 
 It is not the distance of seventy miles, nor yet a twen- 
 ty years absence (in which time I think I have had the 
 satisfaction of seeing you but twice) that has been suffici- 
 ent to erace from my mind those streams of affection which 
 commenced at my earliest acquaintance with you ; and 
 which, without intermission or abatement, have remained 
 in lively exercise to this day. 
 
 I have, for some time past, employed my leisure hours 
 in writing a little upon different subjects, which I now 
 expose to public view, and to the eye of a criticising world } 
 and have lately had my mind impressed with a desire to 
 dedicate the same to my good old friend D. F. 
 
 But, as momentary impulses and sudden flights of ima- 
 gination, amount to but very little in my view, and it is 
 my general custom, to count money twice, before I re- 
 ceive it or pay it away, I therefore concluded I would sit 
 
 down and consider a little what I was going about \ 
 
 — — — — — — — And now, after mature 
 
 deliberation, I have fully confirmed my former choice, 
 and must say with one of old, on a more solemn occasion, 
 Thou art the man. 
 
 If I should tell you that yourself is the author of this 
 pamphlet, you would not believe me. And yet, sir, I 
 give you full liberty to place to your account (at least) 
 
iv. 
 
 the one half of it. And for an explanation of this para- 
 dox, I call upon you to take a retrospect of some of the 
 occurrences of our youthful days. You know, sir, when 
 I was a lad, I was always aspiring after something more 
 than the difficulties with which I was constantly sur- 
 rounded would permit me to obtain. And being much 
 delighted with figures, would sometimes stojf in a winter's 
 day, make the snow my slate, and take my finger for a 
 pencil, in order to solve some very difficult arithmetical 
 question : and did, without the aid of any person, devise a 
 new and concise method for the reduction of vulgar frac- 
 tions to a common denominator, before ever I knew there 
 was such a rule in existence. 
 
 Although my mind was frequently amused with things 
 of this kind, yet much more powerfully attracted when 
 favoured with the enjoyment of your company and conver- 
 sation. 
 
 Your desire to improve and cultivate my mind, was 
 abundantly manifested by your crowding my hands full 
 of the best books your library could afford. This, how- 
 ever, amounted to but little more than an expression of 
 your good-will towards me, and was far from answering 
 the intended purpose. For, such was my fatigue in fol- 
 lowing the plough from morning till night, and other exer- 
 cises of hard labour, that I had but little time to peruse 
 them: and the little scrap, of time devoted to that purpose, 
 was taken up more with nodding than reading : and it was 
 not an uncommon thing for me to get asleep with your 
 1 book in my hand. Under these extraordinary disadvanta- 
 ges, the satisfaction of my being treated with respect, by a 
 person so high in my esteem, amounted to much more than 
 
VI 
 
 the information I obtained by the perusal of your pages. 
 But, to say the worst I can of it, your bookish turn of 
 mind begot in me a degree of its own likeness; and that 
 has produced the pages you are now reading. 
 
 So I think I have fully substantiated my assertion ; and 
 trust you will not contradict me, when I say that you are 
 (at least in a remote sense) the author of this pamphlet. 
 
 I am not acquainted with your religious or political 
 sentiments ; and am therefore not able so much as to guess 
 how well you will be suited with the ideas I have advanced 
 in the following work. But I have endeavoured careful- 
 ly to avoid every extreme. And having always found you 
 possessed of that moderate temper and disposition of mind 
 that ought to adorn the life of every man, have therefore 
 not hesitated to submit the same to your candid perusal, 
 with an expectation that you will moderately pass by my 
 errors, and consider them the effect of weakness, rather 
 than of a corrupt mind. 
 
 I first thought that after having completed my manu- 
 script, I would call together a half a dozen of my neigh- 
 bors of different politics, and let them determine its fate, 
 and say whether it should be committed to thepress or to 
 the flames. But I soon mistrusted this would not answer; 
 for it is more than probable there would have been a diver- 
 sity in their opinions, and then they would have treated me 
 as the farmers do their oxen. And if so, I should be in 
 but an awkward situation, and all my trouble amount to 
 nothing ; for you know, " He that undertakes to please 
 every body will please no body." 
 
 I then concluded that, without advice or instruction, to 
 the press it should go. But the next thing to determine 
 
vL 
 
 was, whether to subscribe my name to the work, or let it 
 be said to have been written by an anonymous hand. If 
 the former, "he wants to be known," if the latter, "he is 
 ashamed of his name." Amidst those difficulties, sir, I 
 should have been glad of the aid of your better judgment, 
 to have helped me through. Upon the whole, I concluded 
 if any were so foolish as to dispute about the outhor's name, 
 as Michael and Satan did about the body of Moses, for the 
 gratification of such, I would follow the example of Solo- 
 mon, who, when the women were disputing about the liv- 
 ing child, ordered it to be cut in two. So now, I give the 
 reader the initials of my name, and wish to keep the re- 
 mainder to myself. 
 
 But, no sooner had I determined upon this, than another 
 question equally as important occurred to my view, i. e. 
 What shall be the name of my book ? Here I had to stop. 
 The first title that struck my mind with much force was, 
 Every body with their heads cut off. The next was, The 
 Devil with his back broke. The last of all, and that which 
 I have finally adopted is, Sampson with a Jawbone in his 
 hand. How far the title of the pamphlet corresponds with 
 its contents, I shall leave you and all my honest readers to 
 judge. 
 
 And now, sir, I wish you all the happiness that can rea- 
 sonably be expected to result from a well spent life. 
 
 A. H. 
 
PREFACE, 
 
 When a landlord is about to set out upon a journey, he 
 calls his children and servants together, and tells them 
 what to do, and what to leave undone. And sometimes he 
 promises rewards or punishments in proportion to the faith- 
 ful discharge or wilful neglect of their duty. 
 
 In writing the following pages, I have deviated a little 
 from this rule; for I acknowledge myself to possess some 
 oddities, which I could not help if I would, nor would not 
 if I could. For, instead of telling you positively what you 
 ought to be, and what you ought to do, I have dwelt pret- 
 ty much upon the negative, and told you what you ought 
 not ; being confident of this, that people must cease to do 
 evil, before they can learn to do good. Or, at least a ces- 
 sation from evil acts, is generally a forerunner of good ones. 
 
 When an obscure person first enters into public busi- 
 ness, it becomes necessary he should have a sign erected 
 With large capitals, designating his name, occupation, and 
 place of abode. But a person whose character is already 
 well established, would be sought after and found, if he 
 was to conceal himself in the nethermost corner of a dark 
 cellar. 
 
 The author of this has no intention to continue the pub- 
 lication of books for a livelihood; or, to make a business of 
 writing. The Capitals shall therefore be omitted. And 
 he is so little known abroad 5 that if the reader's curiosity 
 should lead him to a search, he must go almost into the 
 gloomy recesses of obscurity before he can find him. 
 
viii. 
 
 Indeed, I think none will attempt the search for the 
 purpose of opposing this publication, except those whose 
 guilty consciences accuse them of being the persons whose 
 vices I have endeavored to hold up to public view. A 
 horse that flinches under the saddle, gives plain evidence 
 of a tender back ; and, their uneasiness in this respect, 
 will be considered as a sure sign of their guilt and criminal- 
 
 As I am new at this kind of business, and never made 
 so public an appearance before, it is natural for me to sus- 
 pect that some stickler will take me upon the tip of his 
 pen, and try to serve me as the kitchen maids do their 
 pidgecns. But be that as it may, I shall not follow the 
 example of Tom Paine, who made a public declaration in 
 a letter of his, that whoever wrote against him, should 
 be entirely neglected ', and receive no answer, which I con- 
 sider as good evidence that he thought his writings excep- 
 tionable, and his productions unworthy of defence. 
 
 W hether I shall ever again visit you in this way, is al- 
 together uncertain. Very much will depend upon your 
 future conduct. If you will carefully avoid those evils 
 into which you have frequently plunged yourselves, (a 
 few cf which I have endeavoured to point out in the fol- 
 lowing work) and guard against extremes of every kind, 
 I will promise never more to trouble you. Otherwise, 
 the probability is, I shall nieet you again, not with a Jaw- 
 hone in my hand, but with a rod of iron; will not then 
 touch slightly upon the surface of your faults, but bear 
 down with a little more weight, and strive to leave a more 
 durable impression. For, " fie that being of i&a^reproved., 
 
ix. 
 
 :i hardeneth his neck, shall suddenly be destroyed, and 
 % * that without remedy." 
 
 It is a common thing, when success attends our first 
 endeavours, for that success to stimulate us to make a se- 
 cond attempt. But this, I assure you, shall not be the 
 case in the present instance. For although I have yet an- 
 other rod in soak, I shall be glad to let it lie there and rot, 
 if my first number should have its desired effect. 
 
 My principal motive in publishing this work, is, to re- 
 gulate the passions of the passionate, and moderate the zeal 
 of the zealous ; wishing thereby to make political and reli- 
 gious enthusiasts ashamed of their extremes, by pointing 
 out their errors, and start them to seek for that medium 
 which ought to serve as an ornament to the life of every 
 good man. 
 
 Through the course of this work I have simply advanced 
 my own sentiments, without the least esteem (I think I 
 can truly say J for any political body or individual whatev- 
 er ; and apprehend my productions will prove disgusting 
 io all, in proportion to the extremity of the zeal of which 
 they are possessed for either politics or religion. In any 
 controverted case, where a decision displeases both the con- 
 tending parties, it is generally allowed to be a good one. 
 If this be a just criterion, and the hot-headed political par- 
 tisans on both sides should stigmatise me with being their 
 enemy, I shall console myself with the idea of being not 
 far from right. 
 
 I suppose many a reader will be reedy to say, " It is a 
 worthless scrip, calculated only to dampen the spirits of 
 political parties, and retard their progress," while the 
 writer, having such a firm confidence in his own integrity, 
 
 B 
 
X. 
 
 is ready to answer, that he wishes (unless there should 
 he a speedy alteration for the better) some more expert 
 person than himself to begin where he has left off, or at 
 some better place, and resume the subjects on which he 
 has slightly touched ; and if any man can build straight 
 on so crooked a foundation, he is entirely at liberty so to do. 
 
 I think it very probable, that while I have been 
 aiming at the extremes of other people, I have inad- 
 vertently run into others myself. But even in that case I 
 may not despair of being useful ; for it is not an uncom- 
 mon thing, after the discovery of two opposite extremes, 
 for the medium more easily to be found.* 
 
 But, " You find fault w ith every thing — you point out 
 " the disease without prescribing a remedy." Well, the 
 principal upon which I have started, was to put you upon 
 serious thinking, by disclosing your errors, and then leave 
 you to correct them yourselves. Otherwise my little 
 pamphlet would swell to a large volume, and I should in- 
 trude upon your patience. What I here offer to the pub- 
 lic was origi lally calculated for the meridian of New- 
 York ; but, like Hutchins's almanac, will serve, without 
 essential variation, for any of the adjacent cities, perhaps 
 Philadelphia, Baltimore, and Boston. 
 
 Respectfully I am yours, &c. 
 
 THE AUTHOR. 
 
 *For a demonstration of this, I refer the reader to a rule in 
 •arithmetic called " Double Position," where the true number is 
 found by supposing two false ones. And if so in arithmetic, why 
 may we not look for the errors of both reader and writer to he 
 corrected by the same rule ? 
 
General Censure, &e, 
 
 CHAPTER I 
 
 Moses instituted an ordinance called the Passover, to be 
 observed by the Jews in future generations ; it being a 
 kind of anniversary for their great deliverance from the de- 
 struction of the destroying angel, when the first-born of the 
 Egyptians were all cut off, which ordinance is punctually 
 observed to this day. 
 
 The professors of Christianity have also established a 
 festival of the same kind, to which they generally attend 
 on the £5th day of December, (called Christmas) in com- 
 memoration of a much more glorious event. 
 
 The more serious part of the community go to church, 
 and say their prayers, and strive to stir up each other's 
 pure minds by way of remembrance : while another class 
 assemble at the ball-room, chant at the sound of the vio- 
 lin, turn night into day, and day into night, and thereby 
 destroy their constitutions, and lay a foundation for future 
 trouble, and may be sure of being well paid either here or 
 hereafter. 
 
 The more vulgar sort, (especially in country places) as* 
 semble in large companies about the break of day, on 
 Christmas morning, with their rusty muskets and old fire- 
 locks, and streaming through the neighbourhood they fail 
 not to give a salute at every house, by " shooting off their 
 guns," and, in return, are sure to be feasted with cider 
 
12 
 
 and dough-nuts, and sometimes a bottle of rum.* Thm 
 the generosity of their neighbours supercedes the necessity 
 of their repairing home at mealtimes, for they are filled up 
 to the very brim with Christmas pies, cakes, and cider, 
 and rum, previously provided for that purpose. Then, 
 returning home, warm themselves with the coals of the 
 Christmas log, and for two or three days feel the effects of 
 their Christmas frolic. 
 
 The Fourth of July exhibits a scene but very little dif- 
 ferent. The people make as if they would call to mind the 
 deliverance we obtained from the British Yoke, and the bles- 
 sings of a kind providence on that occasion. But they are 
 better suited with diversion than with devotion,! and think 
 more of their grog than they do of their liberty. At this 
 time "Federal" and "Republican" is to be heard all 
 round the town. And while separated into their different 
 political parties, can no more tell the difference between 
 their political sentiments, than they can distinguish be- 
 tween the radius of a circle and the hypothenuse of a trian- 
 gle. Yet they display their political knowledge over the 
 grog-bowl and wine-glass, till their heads and their heels 
 
 *It is not an uncommon thing for the young men and servants 
 in the fall of the year, while procuring their winter's wood, to lay 
 aside the butt end of the largest tree they can find, which they call 
 "a Christmas log," to which they set fire on the morning of that 
 day, and have full liberty to continue their sport till all is consum - 
 ed. 
 
 tThere is, however, a religious denomination in this city, who, 
 for these two years past, have assembled together on that day for 
 religious purposes, and have attended to exercises of devotion 
 with a degree of zeal much to their credit. 
 
IS 
 
 begin to get upon an equal balance, and both claim an 
 equal right to the pavements of the street. But the head, 
 meeting its new habitation with rapid motion, and finding 
 Itself uncomfortably situated, retires from its flinty abode 
 with the loss of blood ; and carries along a small crimson 
 stream, as a witness of the direful conflict. Then, with 
 flying colours, and buck's tails in front, make a heavy ex- 
 plosion against the tyraxiical British government, and call 
 every man " Tory" that will dare to contradict them ; and 
 shew their attachment towards the French tyrant, by as- 
 serting, with the Public Advertiser, that Bonaparte never 
 commenced hostilities against any nation without first hav- 
 ing had just cause of resentment. 
 
 Others, on the birth-day of our beloved Washington^ 
 with alternative motion, will try to keep possession of both 
 sides of the street, and, with a volley of execrations against 
 Bonaparte, will curse the French, and with equal zeal 
 shew the badge of benevolence, and declare themselves 
 good Federalists. 
 
 Then, both parties, when a little recovered from their 
 intoxication, will sit and tell what they did in the last 
 war, and what they would do again. And, as if their 
 trumpeter was dead, will sound their own praise, by 
 enumerating many of their good deeds and great ex - 
 ploits ; and like a new blown bladder, or the frog in thp 
 fable, are puffed up with pomp, or some other fantastical 
 exercise, lighter than the air in which they breathe ; and 
 will elate themselves with an idea of being esteemed 
 great. And then, in order to consummate the pleasures 
 of the day, and render the joys of the festival still more 
 complete, totter to a table made ready for their reception ; 
 
14 
 
 where, upon the payment of one dollar and fifty cents, 
 they can obtain a gentleman's seat, and associate with 
 the political grandees ; though, at the same time may 
 have a needy family at home, almost suffering for want of 
 what they needlessly spend. 
 
 For the information of strangers, into whose hands this 
 little work may fall, I have thought proper to state, that 
 in this city many of the Democratic Republicans have 
 formed themselves into an association, and belong to what 
 is called the Tammany Society. None are admitted but 
 those who bear the character of being uniform in their 
 sentiments. They are possest of one remarkable singu- 
 larity, in that they despise all those belonging to the op- 
 posite party, who were enemies to our country in time of 
 the revolution. But if any of the self-same men offer to 
 join their society, they are received with open arms. 
 Whenever they make a public appearance as a society, or 
 form a procession, they are to be distinguished from others 
 by a buck's tail, which they place perpendicular in front 
 upon their hats. 
 
 And the opposite party, all consisting of Federal Re- 
 publicans, having also formed themselves into an associa- 
 tion, which is designated by the name of the " Washing- 
 ton Benevolent Society." They are to be distinguished 
 by a small blue ribbon drawn through the button-hole, 
 and made fast to the coat on the left side. Both these par- 
 ties have " Charity" for their motto ; and hold up an 
 idea (if I understand it right) that their funds are esta- 
 blished for the benevolent purpose of relieving the poor 
 and unfortunate of their society, which relief is sometimes 
 granted : for the worst of societies will, in some cases, 
 
15 
 
 shew the face of humanity, and feign themselves liberal; 
 otherwise they would soon sink so low in public estima- 
 tion, that they would shew outwardly what they are 
 inwardly. The devil, from a desire to be believed, is 
 sometimes prompted to speak the truth, that his corrupt 
 purposes might be the better answered. 
 
 All other charitable societies (at least as far as my know- 
 ledge extends) do admit, and consist of members of different 
 sentiments, without the least regard to their politics, so 
 as they do but contribute towards the general fund, and 
 relief of the poor and needy. But these two establish- 
 ments have something peculiar to themselves, in that they 
 admit of nothing as it respects politics, but uniformity 
 among their members. And this I consider as an evidence 
 of their being rotten at heart : being more zealous to prc- 
 mote a party spirit, than to inspire the minds of their mem- 
 bers with true philanthrophy. Fcr it is notorious, that 
 each one is aspiring more after the interest of his own par- 
 ty , than the honor and well-being of his own country ; 
 which is evident to every observing eye, from the unwea- 
 ried pains they take in times of election to promote each 
 one his own part}% at the downfall of his opponent's. 
 At this time the poorest man in the city, the greatest grog- 
 drinker or cider-toper to be found, can be waited on at his 
 door, and ride with grandeur in a carriage to the poll to 
 give in his vote. While there, he is greatly caressed, and 
 received with open arms by the heads of his party — is call- 
 ed Mr. and treated with respect, and a glass of liquor 
 handed him by those, who, at any other time would treat 
 him with the greatest contempt and be ashamed of his com- 
 pany. 
 
16 
 
 It is not only the rich and the opulent who thus spend 
 iheir time and their money ; for, among others that I 
 might mention, I will speak of one whose political zeal 
 was such, that, for three days successively he voluntarily 
 neglected his business for the purpose of attending the 
 election poll ; and, within a few days was called upon for 
 his house-rent, which he was unable to pay. Thus, his 
 manhood excited him to spend his last six pence for grog, 
 while his children wanted bread, and his shivering family 
 were hovering over a few remaining coals, suffering for 
 want of fuel to keep them warm. 
 
 Thus the election frolic and the July frolic afford us a 
 lively specimen of both political manhood and American 
 bravery. 
 
 These anniversaries, conducted as they generally are, 
 bring fresh to my recollection the evening of the fourth of 
 July seventy-six, the first time the Americans ever re- 
 joiced on an occasion like this. The nocturnal gloom was 
 in a great measure dispelled by the bursting of sky-rockets, 
 and the atmosphere was shaken at the distance of more 
 than two miles by the rejoicings of the joyful and the huz- 
 zas of the drunken. So, with intoxicated brains and In- 
 dian hoots they ended the day. Like the debtor, who, af- 
 ter a long confinement,- upon obtaining a discharge, in- 
 stead of repairing directly to his family, to rejoice with 
 them, sought the neighbourhood in quest of his brother 
 tiplers, and with them sipt the delicious juice of the cane 
 till he became intoxicated, and his intellects quite be- 
 numbed. He then marched upon a zig zag to the court- 
 house, where he measured his length upon the floor, and 
 made the plank his pillow till morning. A great shame 
 
17 
 
 for the inhabitants of any civilized country ; and much 
 more for professors of religion, who so far conform to the 
 usual customs of the day, as to associate with any political 
 body on such an occasion. Solomon tells us, " A compa- 
 nion of fools shall be destroyed." In all our undertakings 
 we should endeavour to do good or get good. But, when 
 we thus voluntarily expose ourselves to the company of 
 those who generally attend on such occasions, there seems 
 to be but little probability of either influencing their 
 minds by our good example, or receiving the least spiritu- 
 al benefit from theirs. 
 
 And the opening of church doors, for the reception of 
 such company, on such occasions, is what, I think, every 
 good man ought to speak against. Thus, both parties 
 zealously signalize themselves by an undue attachment to 
 what they call " correct principles but, like Herod and 
 Pontius Pilate, agree very well in the main point they 
 have in view, i. e. to make beasts of themselves by swill- 
 ing down intoxicating draughts. And some return to their 
 habitations with an empty purse, exhibiting their usual 
 coat of arms, a black eye and a bloody nose : — a melan- 
 choly spectacle of American bravery. 
 
 But, leaving such rubbish entirety out of sight, (where 
 they ought always to be kept) let us give our attention 
 to those of a more decent turn, who yet indulge them- 
 selves in destroying the union, and widening the breach 
 between the contending parties. Little do they think 
 how great injury they are doing themselves and their 
 Gountry by their extreme partiality. If any man would 
 form a union between these contending parties, find a me- 
 dium between the two extremes, and destroy our present 
 
 C 
 
18 
 
 political divisions — take the cream of both parties, 
 and therewith form a new society, who feel a friendly at- 
 tachment to no other than our own country ; free from 
 French influence and British corruption ; and enter into a 
 league not to promote any slave-holder or duel-fighter to 
 any post of honour, profit, or power : I should feel high- 
 ly gratified, and happy to congratulate you on so pleas- 
 ing an event. And if they would all so far lay aside their 
 prejudices, and overcome their political oppositions, as to 
 meet in the Park, or at any other convenient place, on the 
 fourth of July, or at any other time, and make a bonfire 
 of their buck's tails and their badges, I w r ould not blame 
 any one for attending ; indeed, I would leave my repose 
 at midnight to become the happy spectator of so desirable 
 a scene. 
 
 CHAPTER II. 
 
 At the prospect of an amicable treaty between Britain 
 and America, many a house in this city was illuminated, 
 as if the landlord knew no better way to express his grati- 
 tude, than to exhibit a lighted candle at every pane of glass 
 in front of his dwelling. Had there been none but little 
 boys and idiots that employed their time in this way, we 
 would only have laughed at the former and pitied the lat- 
 ter. But, to see men of sound judgment and good sense, 
 (improperly so called) and some who really make a pro- 
 fession of r-ligion, sticking up their lights, and thus 
 playing the little boy, I think they ought to blush for not 
 blushing, and shew better signs of a thankful heart 
 
19 
 
 They place themselves far beneath those pall-bearers and 
 ministers who attend the funerals of their societies, or- 
 namented with three or four yards of fine shirting, swung 
 in the form of a soldier's belt, and as many yards of black 
 ribbon in lieu of an epaulet upon the shoulder. There is 
 this difference, however, the politician burns his candles, 
 and receives no compensation but the frothy applause of 
 those who are vain like himself ; while the others obtain 
 a generous present of the fine linen, a plentiful pattern of 
 a new shirt. This they wear, I suppose, in order to 
 shew their respect to the person of the deceased. 
 
 And the relatives, actuated by a similar motive, (if each 
 one has but a dollar in the world) must away to the mer- 
 chant and purchase some black crape to encompass the 
 crown of the hat, in order to tell the world, "I have lost 
 a friend" So the scarfs of the pretended mourners an- 
 swer just as good a purpose as the buck's tails and badges 
 of our modern politicians. The latter exhibit outward signs 
 of their friendship to their country — the former of their 
 being friends to the deceased. With this difference however, 
 the politician is sure to get drunk on the fourth of July, 
 from which extravagancies the mourner generally abstains. 
 
 I was once fool enough to become a member of one of 
 those socseties of which I have been speaking in the 
 preceding chapter. Yery soon after my initiation there 
 was a procession formed, and an oration to be delivered in 
 a meeting-house at the end of the inarch. I was anxious 
 to hear the oration, as I never before had an opportunity ; 
 but was ashamed to be seen in a procession on an occasion 
 like that. I therefore served as a spectator till we ap- 
 proached within a short distance of the house ; and know- 
 
20 
 
 iag no other way to gratify my curiosity than bj falling in- 
 to the ranks, yielded to the irksome task, and became one 
 of their company. But, while others were marching 
 with cheerful countenance and uplifted heads, and giving 
 the gentle nod of obeisance to the gaping multitude, as if 
 proud of their situation, I dragged myself along with eyes 
 lixed upon the ground, feeling like a sheep-killing dog, 
 or a cat in a strange garret. I have never been ashamed of 
 it more than once, and that has been from that day to this. 
 And I feel inclined to embrace this opportunity to 
 express my aversion to the adoption of any such mea- 
 sures, in order to express our gratitude to a Supreme Being 
 for past favours. If the benevolence of that Being calls 
 upon us for an expression of gratitude, let it be done with 
 devotional exercises. And those who, for want of piety, 
 cannot freely conform to exercises of this kind, would com- 
 mit no crime, civilly to assemble together, and listen to 
 the melodious sound of a band of music, prepared for that 
 purpose, in some suitable place, but not in a church, or 
 any building erected for divine worship. Those edifices 
 were intended for more noble purposes, and ought not to 
 be poluted by the admission of such companies on such 
 occasions. And the ruling officers of every church, (ad- 
 mitting they have no aversion of their own ) ought so far 
 to regard the tender feelings of the more serious, as to set 
 their faces like a flint against condescensions of the kind. 
 
 I know there are those who will expect better things 
 of the author, and be ready to say, " his former manifes- 
 tations of friendship towards us by becoming one of our 
 members, gave us reason to consider him a better friend." 
 I profess myself a true friend to the country in which I 
 
21 
 
 live, and would risque my life in its defence, against any 
 foreign or domestic foe, I care not who. But any undue 
 respect that I have heretofore manifested towards any po- 
 litical denomination, was for want of a just conception of 
 the nature of its institution, and a perfect knowledge of the 
 basis on which such establishment was founded ; and 
 viewing the artificial branches and leaves of charity and 
 benevolence, placed upon the rotten root of national dis- 
 cord by the hands of party-spirited and designing men, I 
 am induced thu3 publicly to disavow my attachment to 
 any political denomination whatever, and wish to be con- 
 sidered as nothing more nor less than a true American. 
 
 There are many moderate men on both sides, who differ 
 in nothing but in name, in whose hands I would not be 
 afraid to venture my life ; but there are others again, in 
 whose hands the life of a dog would hardly be safe, unless 
 he was called by their own name. 
 
 A manifestation of political zeal tends only to inflame 
 the zeal of our opponents ; while moderation has a ten- 
 dency not only to increase the friendship of our friends, 
 biit to procure the friendship of our enemies. 
 
 A little diversity in our opinions, if kept within the 
 bounds of moderation, would do us no harm ; while an ex- 
 treme fermentation, if intended only for the niggardly 
 purpose of procuring offices, and commissions, and posts of 
 honour or profit for ourselves or our friends, might be mis- 
 construed by a foreign nation ; and they viewing us as a 
 divided people, might thereby be emboldened to make en- 
 croachments upon us ; and so, their wrong calculations, 
 grounded upon our imprudence, might prove an injury to 
 both them and us. 
 
22 
 
 There are thousands on each side, who run into this 
 miserable extreme ; who nevertheless are good friends to 
 the country in which they live, and would firmly defend 
 our nation against the insulting depradations of an ap- 
 proaching enemy. 
 
 One will boast of his political sentiments, and say, " I 
 am no Frenchman, but a true Federalist." Another with 
 equal zeal will speak against the corruptions of the Bri- 
 tish government, and declare himself a real Republican ; 
 as if our public prosperity or adversity depends principal- 
 ly upon our personal respect or aversion to any foreign 
 nation. 
 
 Who but an enemy to his country, can feel the least 
 degree of attachment towards either of those nations, 
 whose boundless insolence is manifested towards us, by 
 murdering our citizens in our own waters, and plundering 
 our property upon the high seas. It is needless to com- 
 ment upon the depradations so familiar to the mind of ev- 
 ery man as the murder of Pierce at New-York, and the 
 inhuman butchery committed on board the Chesapeake : 
 and although these insults have been verbally reprobated 
 by the British government, yet we are left to judge of 
 their sincerity by their neglect of an honourable repara- 
 tion ; and a repetition of their devilish arrogance by firing 
 upon the brig Vixen. By a letter from an officer on 
 board, I am informed that a " British ball had carried 
 away their main boom, and threw a splinter in his face.' 7 
 But had it have been the ball instead of a splinter, I sup- 
 pose the royal captain would have been just as well suited ; 
 which comports very well with the insolence frequently 
 
23 
 
 exhibited by the imperious commanders of that haughty 
 nation. 
 
 Nor have we the least reason to speak well of the Ne- 
 polean tyrant, whose matchless austerity has repeatedly 
 been shewn by burning and plundering our vessels, and 
 seizing and confiscating our property. We may thank the 
 wide ocean for a three thousand miles separation between 
 the two continents : for were our territories adjacent to his, 
 'tis more than probable he would endeavour to subjugate 
 us to his imperial power, as he has done many of the Eu- 
 ropean nations. The British fleets and cruisers have also 
 had a tendency to retard him in his progress. But no 
 thanks to any one for doing us a favour when self-preserva- 
 tion is the main spring of their motion. 
 
 But, amidst all these injuries and repeated insults from 
 both nations, we should do well to avoid a war if possible ; 
 in which case we should have much to lose and nothing to 
 gain. The French Emperor is far out of our reach, bear- 
 ing down all landed opposition with which he meets ; and 
 Royal George is complete ruler of the ocean. And if all 
 our hostile attempts were crowned with complete success, 
 we could obtain nothing but Canada and Nova Scotia ; and 
 it may be said of that as of self-righteousness, " The more 
 " we have of it, the worse we are off." 
 
 Amidst the numerous miseries and disadvantages at- 
 tending us, on account of the divisions of which I have 
 been speaking, I think there is one real benefit that will 
 result therefrom. One party will probably serve as a 
 check to the other, to keep them from the extremes into 
 which probably they would otherwise run. If the Fede- 
 ral party were permitted to proceed in their own way, then 
 huzza for a navy and standing army. We will be respect- 
 
24 
 
 ed abroad, even if we have to impoverish ourselves at 
 home. On the other hand, if the Democrats could have 
 their wish, there would scarcely be a Merino Sheep left 
 in all Spain. They would establish woolen and cotton 
 manufactories in all directions, and be so rigid in support 
 of an absolute independence, that the homespun must be 
 worn in preference to every thing else, although we might 
 send our raw materials to the distance of three thousand 
 miles, pay the expence of the exports and imports, and 
 obtain the cloth at two thirds the price we could make 
 it at home. 
 
 It will not do at present for the husbandman and the 
 manufacturer to live beside each other. It is starvation 
 that promotes the British manufactories. And where is 
 the poor man in America that is reduced to such a state of 
 wretchedness as to be willing to work for a shilling a day, 
 and let his family suffer, so long as we have millions of 
 acres of uncultivated land, sufficient to afford a comforta- 
 ble support to ten thousand times the number of poor fa- 
 milies we have among us. 
 
 But oft times a man will plead the propriety of his fa- 
 vorite system, although his watchful eye may discover its 
 defects, and his better judgment point him out a better 
 mode. Like a country traveller who missed his road, and 
 had good reason to suspect he was going wrong ; but being 
 possessed of a stubborn disposition, and having a great 
 opinion of his own knowledge, would not fully embrace 
 an idea of his committing an error, but pursued his course, 
 till convinced by occular demonstration, and found him- 
 self far out of the way. 
 
 Nor was the man less culpable, who, in time of the 
 revolution sold his farm for paper money, determining to 
 
25 
 
 lay it up till it should become equal in value to silver or 
 gold ; and though dissuaded therefrom by all his best 
 friends, he turned a deaf ear to their good advice, and thro' 
 his own obstinacy brought himself and family to extreme 
 poverty. 
 
 And for want of that consideration that every man 
 ought to embrace, the late purchasers of the numerous 
 cargoes of Marino sheep, have abundantly burnt their 
 fingers. The man who gave 1500 dollars for a single 
 Marino, has doubtless a thousand times wished his money 
 again in his pocket and the old ram back to Lisbon : and 
 he who gave 6000 dollars for six of them, will not see the 
 interest of his money. A folly for a man to impoverish 
 himself in order to promote the prosperity of the nation. 
 
 I have nothing to say against the importation or rearing 
 of sheep ; I wish our farms were stocked Avith ten times 
 their number. And if our arrivals from Dublin, Belfast 
 and Londonderry, afforded a stock equally as peaceable 
 and profitable as those from Lisbon, it would conduce not 
 a little to the happiness of our country. 
 
 
 
 CHAPTER III. 
 
 The Corporation of the city of New-York must not 
 feel grieved that their character was not exhibited in some 
 more conspicuous place ; each one to whom I have addres- 
 sed myself, could, with almost equal propriety, lay claim 
 to this pre-eminence, which I could confer upon only one ; 
 and as it is never too late to do good, I now take up my 
 pen in order to assert that 
 
 D 
 
26 
 
 Scarce a better code of laws can possibly be enacted, 
 than is ordained and published every year by the Common 
 Council of this city ; and yet, like the ostrich that leaves 
 her egg in the sand to be animated by the influence of the 
 sun, or crushed to atoms by the foot of the traveller, they, 
 for want of that energy that is requisite on all such occa- 
 sions, and which alone can make themselves respectable 
 and their laws useful, calmly submit to the will of the cit- 
 izens at large, to execute them without reward, or break 
 them with impunity : in a word, their zeal for the execu- 
 tion of their laws is like children's play, and may with pro- 
 priety be compared to Jonah's gourd, that came up in a 
 night and perished in a night. 
 
 Sometimes they take a fresh start as if they were going 
 to do great things j the handbills are posted up, and thus 
 reads the newspapers : Be it enacted by the Mayor, Alder- 
 men, and Commonality of the city of New-York, in Com- 
 mon Council convened, &c. &c. and twenty -five dollars fine 
 for a breach of this law ; and for one or two Sabbaths the 
 little boys dare neither play ball nor shoot marbles, for 
 fear of being taken up and carried off. But the bustle, 
 like a fire of shavings, is quickly over, and proves nothing 
 more than a " nine days wonder," when our rulers be- 
 come as cool as cucumbers, and return again to their old 
 tracks. 
 
 Some grocers swear they will trade Sundays, and the 
 authority may help themselves as they can : and when 
 they cjrisider themselves exposed to danger will close 
 their front door, and the buyer must pass in at the back 
 door, or through the alley ; and so they screen themselves 
 from the public eye. But these hypocritical cases are but 
 
27 
 
 solitary, and the more general custom is to be barefaced. 
 about the matter, and keep open their front doors as an 
 invitation to their neighbors to come and buy. 
 
 Thus they, out of choice, stay from church to tend their 
 stores ; and neglect the soul to provide for the body. 
 
 There are others again, who would willingly submit to 
 the laws if they were indiscriminately enforced. If I was 
 so situated that I must either trade upon the Sabbath or 
 starve, I would lay all the blame upon the Corporation. For 
 if they would do their duty, and rigorously enforce their 
 laws, my neighbour's shop would be shut upon the Sab- 
 bath, and so should mine : and without a good degree of 
 this rigor, neither precept nor example will do much 
 good. For a good example sat by a few conscientious in- 
 dividuals, does nothing towards a general fulfilment of the 
 law, but rather encourages its violators. An acquaintance 
 of mine, who kept a grocery, wishing to become obedient 
 to the laws, closed his doors for several Sabbaths succes- 
 sively, and found that starvation was his doom : for his next 
 neighbour kept open doors, and was in a fair way to ob- 
 tain the whole of his custom. So now the poor man, al- 
 though he offers fifty dollars if the Corporation would en- 
 force their laws against Sabbath-breaking, has to stay 
 from church to keep from starving. 
 
 There is scarce an Alderman in this city that can pass 
 from his dwelling-house to his church upon the Sabbath, 
 without beholding a violation of those laws' which he has 
 voluntarily instituted, and which by the oath of his office, 
 he is solemnly bound to enforce. Strange as these things 
 may appear, they are no more strange than true ! 
 
 The mouth of many a man is wide open against the pec- 
 
28 
 
 pie of London, who, at the custom-house admit oaths and 
 take oaths, which they all know to be false at the very 
 time. But we can generally see best at a little distance, 
 otherwise we need not range across the ocean to view the 
 depravity of our European brethren, but could find a little 
 of the same corruption in our own land. 
 
 But what can be done to remedy this growing evil ? We 
 know, from fatal experience, that a change of Charter Of- 
 ficers answers us no good purpose : we have, therefore, 
 good reason to wish for a long continuance of our present 
 Mayor and Aldermen, seeing almost every set we get 
 grows worse and worse. When D. W. Clinton was in 
 office, Patrick and Jemmy could obtain licence for the 
 purpose of driving a cart, without taking the oath of alle- 
 giance, and no questions asked as to their citizenship, 
 whether they were Americans or foreigners, but " here is 
 your licence, give us two dollars." I applied to him for 
 license for an acquaintance of mine, then living in the coun- 
 try, which he granted, upon my paying him two dollars ; 
 but never asked me whether he was white or black. 
 
 When the political wheel turned over, and we had got- 
 ten a Federal Council, they dropt out Esq. Clinton, and 
 appointed a Mr. Thompson, of Dutchess County, as if 
 there was not a man in the city of New-York qualified for 
 that office. This raised such a hedious racket amongst the 
 Yorkers, that the Council soon re-called the appointment, 
 and conferred it on one of our citizens, who, like many oth- 
 ers, made a very good beginning, and would suffer none to 
 drive cans but American citizens. But, agreeable to the 
 old adage, " All is well that ends well," the " Town 
 Bull," (as Cheetharn called him) added one hundred new 
 
29 
 
 cartmen to the number already too great, and thereby al- 
 most killed them with kindness. But what of that ? Every 
 such imposition brings honey to the hive, and helps along 
 towards making the pot boil. Bui the mutability of our 
 minds is such, that we must now and then have a change, 
 even if we thereby jump out of the frying-pan into the fire. 
 Not much unlike to our women, who must have their beds 
 and beaureaus moved from place to place about once or 
 twice a year; and after all their trouble and fatigue are 
 sometimes best suited with the old station. Just so with 
 our political wheel; it turned upside down and dropt out 
 the old Mayor; downside up, and dropt out the Town 
 Bull. And then, as if it would amount to a crime to miss 
 of promoting one of the Clinton family, already made rich, 
 and loaded down with lucrative offices, the Council con- 
 ferred their usual respects upon this branch of the fami- 
 ly, and placed him again in his old chair, at the head of 
 the Common Council, where he conducted about as well 
 as any of them — made good laws but never enforced them. 
 
 But this wheel, like the globe we inhabit, being con- 
 stantly upon the roll, fairly made an eruption last spring, 
 like Vesuvius or .^Etna, and emptied itself of almost ev- 
 ery thing. But I thought then, as I think now, that they 
 were running too fast for their own party interest, or the 
 general benefit of the community. For I never was of 
 opinion, that barely a man's politics were sufficient to ex- 
 clude him from office, so long as he discharged the duties 
 incumbent upon him in a manly and judicious manner. 
 Neither am I of opinion, that a man ought to have any of- 
 fice of honour, profit, or power conferred upon him, for 
 any great length of time, so as he become very rich or 
 
so 
 
 haughty thereby, so long as there are others duly qualified 
 to succeed him. But the Federalists of this state had got 
 a council of appointment much to their liking ; who, from 
 the brotherly love at that time manifested by the fluctua- 
 ting Boston ians and others, felt themselves as strong as 
 lions, and went on Jehu-like, bearing down all opposition, 
 and conducted pretty much like <c Sampson with a Jaw- 
 bone in his hand !" So they gave us another new mayor, 
 who, upon the whole, has done pretty well, only he has 
 made another addition to the number of our cartmen, as 
 if he was fully determined to starve them all to death ; 
 but, in many respects, has done like his predecessors, made 
 good laws, and had them published in the newspapers, 
 and posted upon the corners of the houses, so that every 
 man might read for himself, learn his duty, and then take 
 his choice to obey or let it alone. 
 
 This being done, they proceeded with quite too much 
 rigor to make their other new appointments ; and while 
 following the bad examples of their opponents, were set- 
 ting the like bad examples for them again, who will cer- 
 tainly retaliate, and in their turn pay them in their own 
 coin. Too much energy is not good ; many a man in- 
 jures himself by striking too hard at his enemy, and mod- 
 eration always ought to be exercised, where the nature of 
 the case will any way admit of it. 
 
 Our divisions will never subside so long as our Council 
 is striving to promote one party at the downfal of the 
 other. I think we may thank them for at least one half 
 of the discord there is among us. 
 
 Let a ma i be ever so bad, if his politics are but right, 
 and he possessed of " correct principles," this alone is suf- 
 
31 
 
 iicient to entitle him to an office, and at all hazards in he 
 must go. Upon the other hand, be a man ever so honest 
 and upright, and well qualified to discharge the duties of 
 an office, he must be rejected upon the bare principle of his 
 deviating a little from the opinion of those whose opinion is 
 no better than his. 
 
 That part of their conduct which I conceive the most 
 reprehensible, and for which I think they ought to blush, 
 was their appointing a man to the honorable and lucrative 
 office of county clerk, who, in time of the revolution was 
 in the habit of plundering the peaceable inhabitants of his 
 neighborhood, and collecting what was called the " Black 
 rate" — which rate the law knew nothing of, and which 
 practice, being unauthorized by law, was no better than 
 robbing or stealing. 
 
 This same man had formerly been appointed to the same 
 office by the opposite party at the expulsion of as respecta- 
 ble a man as that county could produce ; one who for ma- 
 ny years had faithfully discharged the duties of that office. 
 
 But policy, (of which our council never fails to have a 
 good share) frequently supersedes the administration of 
 justice, which, in this case, ought to have been administer- 
 ed towards the old clerk, by restoring him to his old office ; 
 unless rejected from a consideration that he had already 
 become sufficiently rich, or upon the assignment of any 
 other good reason. 
 
 But this same black-rate collector had now changed his 
 sentiments and become as good a federal as need be. For 
 you know there is a kind of tree-toad, that always changes 
 its appearance according to the color of the tree on which 
 it lives : and there are some greedy office-hunters who 
 
32 
 
 would change their politics as often as the moon changes, 
 if it would but be a means of their promotion. 
 
 As to this collector, who has been thus promoted and 
 made a kind of tool of by both parties, for whose sake men 
 of respectability must be turned out of office ; our Council 
 either did know his character, or ought to have known it : 
 and in either case they were extremely culpable, and 
 might with as great propriety have appointed the rankest 
 British tory or Nova Scotia-man they could have found 
 in the land. 
 
 I am, however, not without a sincere belief that a bad 
 man may become a good one. 
 
 But this change from bad to good, cannot, in my opinion, 
 be fully effected, let the outward deportment be ever so up- 
 right, without sincere repentance, manifested by a good 
 four-fold gospel restitution. " If a man shall steal an ox 
 " or a sheep, and kill it or sell it ; he shall restore five 
 " oxen for an ox, and four sheep for a sheep." Exodus 
 xxii. 1. And wherever this is wanting, let people's pre- 
 tentions be what they may, I believe there is nothing but 
 the laws of the land restrains them from the like vicious 
 practices, and a repetition of the same abominations. 
 
 In former days highway robbery was punished with 
 death: the same by house-roobery and field-robbery, 
 which I suppose is not much better. But of late years 
 our laws are more favorable to offenders, and they can al- 
 most sin with impunity ; so that many a guilty man es- 
 capes the punishment justly due for his offences. And be- 
 eause he is rich, or a good politician, is held up by the chin, 
 when, in fact, he ought to be held up by the neck. We 
 do not often speak of these things, but are willing to let 
 our friends know we have not forgotten them. 
 
S3 
 
 But I said a bad man might become a good one; mighv 
 see the error of hi3 ways and reform. And this will apply 
 not only to the fraudulent and dishonest, to thieves and 
 plunderers, but likewise to those, who, in time of the re- 
 volution were so devoid of information, and so blind to 
 their own interest as to entertain, for a long time, a strong 
 attachment toward the British government, and wish them 
 good success, even at the downfal of our own country. 
 For I believe there are many, even of those, who were in 
 time of the war, inveterate enemies to the county, and 
 wished with ardent desire for Britain to obtain a conquest 
 and again spread her government over this land, have since 
 been brought to see their error — become true Americans 
 in heart and life — grieve at the thoughts of their former 
 blindness, and are thankful for the privileges we enjoy as 
 a free and independent nation. 
 
 But it is not only the county to which I allude that has 
 thus groaned under the afflicting hand of a corrupt Coun- 
 cil, but the whole state of New -York likewise. 
 
 Let us view a duel-fighter placed by this honourable bo- 
 dy upon the supreme bench, at whose tribunal a malefac- 
 tor is arraigned and found guilty. There for one murderer 
 to give sentence of death upon another, when, in fact, 
 they ought to be considered by every impartial man both 
 alike guilty ! With but little more than this difference, 
 that one, by having good friends, was held up by the chin, 
 while the other, for want of goods friends, must receive 
 sentence from the lips of his brother ; be dragged to the 
 gallows, and there suffer alone, when he was as much en- 
 titled to company as the thief upon the cross. 
 
 Some of my readers will doubtless recollect when this 
 E 
 
S4 
 
 duel-fighter, (the best name I can give him) presided 6v6r 
 a circuit court at the White Plains, where there was a 
 
 very lengthy trial between D P — - and S W . 
 
 The latter had accused the former of perjury, for which 
 great damages were demanded. The testimonies and 
 pleadings being at an end, it became the duty of this prime 
 marksman to give the jury a charge. And as he had been 
 much accustomed to charging and discharging, the pre- 
 sent one was a charge with a witness to it: as if a cannon 
 should be filled with powder to the very muzzle, leaving 
 no room for the ball or any thing else of a solid nature. 
 So that, in the present case, there was not so much execu- 
 tion done as on some former occasions. The event fully 
 proves my assertion to be true ; for after the explosion, all 
 evaporated in the open air, as may be fully seen by th# 
 deaf ear of the jurors, and the little respect they paid to his 
 charge. It is true, he did not tell them point blank, 
 *- You must and shall bring in large and heavy damages for 
 " the plaintiff;" but language very much like it. 
 
 Whether his patience was entirely exhausted by his 
 long sitting, or whether it was his wish to crush his politi- 
 cal opponent entirely under foot, or what other motive he 
 had in almost giving judgment before he sent out the jury, 
 is not for me to say. But to the credit of that honorable 
 body be it spoken, they acted like men possessed of an 
 independent judgment, having an opinion of their own. 
 Whether they considered this great judge as corrupt a man 
 as I have sat him out to be — whether they viewed him 
 with a pistol in his hand and malice in his heart, driving a 
 ball through the vital 3 of his fellow-mortals, or only stark 
 ing up from his judicial bench with imperious authority, 
 
35 
 
 almost commanding them to bring in large and heavy dam r 
 ages; or whatever else could embolden them to commit so 
 great a crime, as to pay so little regard to so pointed a 
 •harge, I cannot tell ; but believe they were actuated by 
 a disposition to do justice between man and man. So, in- 
 stead of returning with a verdict of ten thousand dollars for 
 the plaintiff, they brought in only twenty-five! 
 
 I do not undertake to say how far, in this case, the de* 
 fendant substantiated his charge, nor how far he was culpa- 
 ble for making a declaration which he could not fully sub*- 
 stantiate ; but I give great credit to the jury for giving so 
 little attention to their judge, who, I believe, was more 
 mortified at their verdict than either of the contending par^ 
 ties. 
 
 Well would it be for us, if our Legislative and executive 
 bodies were made up of men like these; who, from awisk 
 to administer justice, lay aside every kind of party spirit* 
 and impartially execute that equality which our neigh- 
 bours (let our difference in opinion be as they may) have 
 a good right to expect and demand of us and We of them. 
 
 Had the conduct of this imperious judge been regulated 
 by this rule, he would have saved me the trouble of pointing 
 my pen at his matchless partiality. Indeed, was this rule 
 univerally adopted for the regulation of our conduct, it 
 would contribute not a little towards our credit as indivi* 
 duals, and place us upon the very pinnacle of national 
 honour, 
 
36 
 
 CHAPTER IV. 
 
 Among the many glaring inconsistencies and gross ab- 
 surdities propagated by human industry, there is none that 
 overtops that doctrine properly denominated Antinomian, 
 but zealously advocated by some religious professors of 
 another name. For they will sometimes give a gen- 
 eral invitation, and call upon all men every where to re- 
 pent. And tell them the wages of sin is death, and point 
 out their duty towards God and man, saying, " This is the 
 " way, walk ye in it," Isaiah xxx. &1 . And at other times 
 keH them they can do nothing, and hold forth their new 
 fangled doctrine of particular election and reprobation, 
 with as much zeal (apparently) as if it had been authenti- 
 cated by an angel from the celestial regions. But we ought 
 not to find much fault with a predestinarian for now and 
 then manifesting an inconsistency with himself, by preach- 
 ing free grace, and giving a general invitation to sinners to 
 repent and turn to the Lord. A drunkard is not to be 
 blamed for staggering ; and a child when corrected ought 
 to be allowed the privilege of crying : And by the same 
 rule we hardly ought to contradict those men, although 
 ihey frequently contradict themselves ; but allow them 
 to step a little over their own bounds ; for otherwise (they 
 have so little elbow room, and the ground on which they 
 stand is so narrow that) the very best of them would be 
 puzzled to get along. One of them publicly exhorted his 
 hearers, that if they would wish to get God's blessings en- 
 tailed upon their posterit}^, to train up their children in a 
 moral and religious way ! But another of their most re- 
 
37 
 
 spectable preachers,* not quite so pliable in his manner, 
 addressed his audience in language like this : " There was 
 " sin enough in the very best prayer I ever made, to damn 
 ' c not only my own soul and this whole congregation, but 
 <c likewise to sink the whole human family to the infernal 
 u regions, there to endure the torments of hell forever !" 
 
 Now I would not interrogate Mr. P , and ask him 
 
 why he persists in the abominable practice of praying such 
 sinful prayers ? For I very well know what his answer 
 would be, that he " cannot help it and upon no other 
 than this principle would I consider him free from blame : 
 But would rather ask you, Sir, if your prayers were all 
 alike bad, (there can be no best in the case) whence then 
 the propriety of intimating that one is better than another ? 
 
 Upon the other hand, if there is any difference, some of 
 them not quite so bad as others, who dare be so bold as to 
 point out the difference, and say such an one is good for 
 something, and such good for nothing ? Much less to as- 
 sert that the very best is bud enough to sink the world to 
 hell! 
 
 But it is common for good men to think the worst of 
 themselves and their performances : Charity would there- 
 lore incline me to believe you to be not near so bad as you 
 think for. 
 
 But this miserable doctrine of You can and you earth 
 appears the less odious for its being the more familiar. 
 And its propagators make themselves appear as ridiculous 
 as the booksellers in Maiden-lane, who would fain make 
 every body believe that every lottery ticket purchased at 
 
 *HEV. MR. p . 
 
38 
 
 any oCher office would come out blank, and those sold by 
 them would most assuredly each draw a prize of twenty- 
 five thousand dollars. 
 
 When taking a view of the hand-bills posted up at the 
 corner of almost every block throughout the city, and ca» 
 see little else but, "Lucky Lottery Office of G. SC B. 
 Waiie" I am led to ask, Are these men fools, or do they 
 think every body else so ?" For they hold up the idea* 
 that if a man has eight or ten dollars to spare, he has noth- 
 ing to do but to call at No. 64 or 38 Maiden-lane, lay out 
 his money for a ticket, and he is as sure of a fortune as if 
 he had it already in his pocket. Not a chimney sweep in 
 the city that would be influenced by their publications, but 
 rather point the finger and laugh at those who make them- 
 selves appear so much like little children. 
 
 There are other religious tenets much more agreeable to 
 the scripture, propagated by men of zeal and integrity, who 
 do much honor to the cause in which they are engaged, and 
 deserve credit for their indefatigable diligence and great as- 
 siduity in striving to promote the well being of mankind. It 
 is our duty to hold these worthy men, and many of their fol- 
 lowers in high esteem. But, (lamentable to say) there are 
 some of their followers who have too much sail for their 
 ballast. And I think, sometimes manifest more zeal than 
 they really possess. Or, to speak more cautiously, they 
 possess a zeal, but not according to knowledge, Rom. x. 2. 
 who will almost go through fire and water to attend to the 
 outward means of grace, whose gestures in time of devo- 
 tion are extremely disgusting ; and by whose side a person 
 possessed of a common degree of moderation cannot sit 
 wj thout being disturbed by their wild-fire. Some gracious 
 
39 
 
 minded people have frequently been robbed of the com- 
 fortable exercises of their minds by the stamping and slap- 
 ing and hooting of those who appear as if they thought re- 
 ligion consisted entirely in noise and racket and hubbub, 
 Pitty but they could view themselves with an impartial 
 eye before a looking-glass, and be made ashamed of such 
 silly conduct. 
 
 For they not only bring a disgrace upon themselves, 
 which they justly deserve, but likewise upon the more 
 respectable and worthy members with whom they are 
 connected. When I go to a house of devotion, I wish to 
 hear what may be said ; but when the voice of the speaker 
 is obstructed by the clamors of the clamorous, I could 
 wish myself at home. But this they call the " power of 
 God." Quite too good a name for so enthusiastic an ex- 
 ercise. Let me die the death of the righteous, and let my 
 last end be like his ; but let me always be kept by the 
 ** power of God" from such sottish extremes as are ex- 
 hibited by those, who seem as if they cared for nothing but 
 a present enjoyment of these perishable flights of transito- 
 ry comfort. It is some relief for a sick person to groan ; 
 and it is equally as natural for a man in trouble to vent 
 his grief with a sigh ; but for one to walk hi the light of 
 his own fire, and compass himself about with sparks of 
 his own kindling, he need promise himself no better re- 
 ward than to lie down in sorrow. 
 
 These light-headed boys (for such in fact they are, 
 whether old or young) must be seen and heard above ev- 
 ery body else — choose the " uppermost seats in the syna- 
 gogues," and are fond of " greetings in the market plan 
 ess." Their minds are no ways susceptible of the most 
 
40 
 
 gentle reproof; but their own way is best: " It is not 
 right to restrain the poivtr of God" — So there is none so 
 deaf as those that won't hear ; and it is of no use to offer 
 spectacles to a man that jys blind. 
 
 Some attend the house of public devotion to see and be 
 seen ; and for that purpose are sure always to place them- 
 selves in some conspicuous situation answerable to their 
 corrupt views. Others go to hear and be hearcl, and will 
 not fail to give a hearty Amen at the middle, and some- 
 times at the very beginning of a sentence, before it is pos- 
 sible for the most discerning person in the world to form 
 the least idea of what is going to be said. Such singular- 
 ities ought always to be avoided, (and will, be by every 
 well-informed person) for they only tend to attract the at- 
 tention of the people, and draw their minds from a better 
 employment. 
 
 But any thing to give vent to their wonderful zeal ; 
 and wherein the tongue falls short of this, the hand, and 
 sometimes the foot, must be engaged in the same employ- 
 ment : and thus they strain their lungs and limbs for 
 but little other purpose than to be heard, or to say the best 
 we can, to give vent to that extravagant zeal, which had 
 much better be restrained than vented, to the entire sub- 
 version of Christian decorum and all good order. 
 
 If by preaching or praying, or any other means of grace, 
 tempered with a due proportion of gospel zeal, sinners, by 
 thousands, were pricked to the heart, and constrained to 
 cry aloud for mercy, and enquire what they should do to 
 be saved ; or pious Christians constrained to raise their 
 voices with their hearts, I should be highly gratified at the 
 sight ; and think, in such a case, every laborer in the 
 
3S 
 
 But I said a bad man might become a good one; might 
 see the error of his ways and reform. And this will apply 
 not only to the fraudulent and dishonest, to thieves and 
 plunderers, but likewise to those, who, in time of the re- 
 volution were so devoid of information, and so blind to 
 their own interest as to entertain, for a long time, a strong 
 attachment toward the British government, and wish them 
 good success, even at the downfal of our own country, 
 For I believe there are many, even of those, who were in 
 time of the war, inveterate enemies to the country, and 
 wished with ardent desire for Britain to obtain a conquest 
 and again spread her government over this land, have since 
 been brought to see their error — become true Americans 
 in heart and life — grieve at the thoughts of their former 
 blindness, and are thankful for the privileges we enjoy as 
 a free and independent nation. 
 
 But it is not only the county to which I allude that has 
 thus groaned under the afflicting band of a corrupt Coun- 
 cil, but the whole state of New-York likewise. 
 
 Let us view a duel-fighter placed by this honourable bo* 
 dy upon the supreme bench, at whose tribunal a malefac- 
 tor is arraigned and found guilty. There for one murderer 
 to give sentence of death upon another, when, in fact, 
 they ought to be considered by every impartial man both 
 alike guilty I With but little more than this difference, 
 that one, by having good friends, was held up by the chin, 
 while the other, for want of goods friends, must receive 
 sentence from the lips of his brother; be dragged to the 
 gallows, and there suffer alone, when he was as much en- 
 titled to company as the thief upon the cross. 
 
 Some of my readers will doubtless recollect when this 
 E 
 
34 
 
 duel-fighter, (the best name I can give him) presided over 
 a circuit court at the White Plains, where there was a 
 
 very lengthy trial between D P — - and S W . 
 
 The latter had accused the former of perjury, for which 
 great damages were demanded. The testimonies and 
 pleadings being at an end, it became the duty of this prime 
 marksman to give the jury a charge. And as he had been 
 much accustomed to charging and discharging, the pre- 
 sent one was a charge with a witness to it: as if a cannon 
 should be filled with powder to the very muzzle, leaving 
 no room for the ball or any thing else of a solid nature. 
 So that, in the present case, there was not so much execu- 
 tion done as on some former occasions. The event fully 
 proves my assertion to be true ; for after the explosion, all 
 evaporated in the open air, as may be fully seen by the 
 deaf ear of the jurors, and the little respect they paid to his 
 charge. It is true, he did not tell them point blank, 
 " You must and shall bring in large and heavy damages for 
 " the plaintiff;" but language very much like it. 
 
 Whether his patience was entirely exhausted by his 
 long sitting, or whether it was his wish to crush his politi- 
 cal opponent entirely under foot, or what other motive he 
 had in almost giving judgment before he sent out the jury, 
 is not for me to say. But to the credit of that honorable 
 body be it spoken, they acted like men possessed of an 
 independent judgment, having an opinion of their own. 
 Whether they considered this great judge as corrupt a man 
 as I have sat him out to be — whether they viewed him 
 with a pistol in his hand and malice in his heart, driving a 
 ball through the vitals of his fellow-mortals, or only start* 
 ingup from his judicial bench with imperious authority, 
 
35 
 
 almost commanding them to bring in large and heavy dam- 
 ages; or whatever else could embolden them to commit so 
 great a crime, as to pay so little regard to so pointed a 
 charge, I cannot tell ; but believe they were actuated by 
 a di position to do justice between man and man. So, in- 
 stead of returning with a verdict of ten thousand dollars for 
 the plaintiff, they brought in only twenty-five ! 
 
 I do not undertake to say how far, in this case, the de- 
 fendant substantiated his charge, nor how far he was culpa- 
 ble for making a declaration which he could not fully sub- 
 stantiate ; but I give great credit to the jury for giving so 
 little attention to their judge, who, I believe, was more 
 mortified at their verdict than either of the contending par- 
 ties. 
 
 Well would it be for us, if our Legislative and executive 
 bodies were made up of men like these; who, from a wish 
 to administer justice, lay aside every kind of party spirit, 
 and impartially execute that equality which our neigh- 
 bours (let our difference in opinion be as they may) have 
 a good right to expect and demand of us and we of them. 
 
 Had the conduct of this imperious judge been regulated 
 by this rule, he would have saved me the trouble of pointing 
 my pen at his matchless partiality. Indeed, was this rule 
 univerally adopted for the regulation of our conduct, it 
 would contribute not a little towards our credit as indivi- 
 duals, and place us upon the very pinaacle of national 
 honour. 
 
36 
 
 CHAPTER nr. 
 
 Among the many glaring inconsistencies and gross ab- 
 surdities propagated by human industry, there is none that 
 overtops that doctrine properly denominated Antinomian, 
 but zealously advocated by some religious professors of 
 another name. For they will sometimes give a gen- 
 eral invitation, and call upon all men everywhere to re- 
 pent. And tell them the wages of sin is death, and point 
 out their duty towards God and man, saying, " This is the 
 " way, walk ye in it," Isaiah xxx. 2 1 . And at other times 
 tell them they can do nothing, and hold forth their new 
 fangled doctrine of particular election and reprobation, 
 with as much zeal (apparently) as if it had been authenti- 
 cated by an angel from the celestial regions. But we ought 
 not to find much fault with a predestinarian for now and 
 then manifesting an inconsistency with himself, by preach- 
 ing free grace, and giving a general invitation to sinners to 
 repent and turn to the Lord. A drunkard is not to be 
 blamed for staggering ; and a child when corrected ought 
 to be allowed the privilege of crying : And by the same 
 rule we hardly ought to contradict those men, although 
 they frequently contradict themselves ; but allow them 
 to step a little over their own bounds ; for otherwise (they 
 have so little elbow room, and the ground on which they 
 stand is so narrow that) the very best of them would be- 
 puzzled to get along. One of them publicly exhorted his 
 hearers, that if they would wish to get God's blessings en- 
 tailed upon their posterity, to train up their children in a 
 moral and religious way ! But another of their most re- 
 
37 
 
 spectable preachers,^ not quite so pliable in his manner, 
 addressed his audience in language like this : " There was 
 a sin enough in the very best prayer I ever made, to damn 
 " not only my own soul and this whole congregation, but 
 " likewise to sink the whole human family to the infernal 
 ? regions, there to endure the torments of hell forever !" 
 
 Now I would not interrogate Mr. P , and ask him 
 
 why he persists in the abominable practice of praying such 
 sinful prayers ? For I very well know what his answer 
 would be, that he " cannot help it and upon no other 
 than this principle would I consider him free from blame : 
 But would rather ask you, Sir, if your prayers were all 
 alike bad, (there can be no best in the case) whence then 
 the propriety of intimating that one is better than another ? 
 
 Upon the other hand, if there is any difference, some of 
 them not quite so bad as others, who dare be so bold as to 
 point out the difference, and say such an one is good for 
 something, and such good for nothing ? Much less to as- 
 sert that the very best is bad enough to sink the world to 
 hell! 
 
 But it is common for good men to think the worst of 
 themselves and their performances : Charity would there- 
 fore incline me to believe you to be not near so bad as you 
 think for. 
 
 But this miserable doctrine of You can and you carii^ 
 appears the less odious for its being the more familiar. 
 And its propagators make themselves appear as ridiculous 
 as the booksellers in Maiden-lane, who would fain make 
 every body believe that every lottery ticket purchased at 
 
 *rev. mr. r . 
 
38 
 
 any other office would come out blank, and those sold by 
 them would most assuredly each draw a prize of twenty- 
 five thousand dollars. 
 
 When taking a view of the hand-bills posted up at the 
 corner of almost every block throughout the city, and can 
 see little else but, "Lucky Lottery Office of G. Sf R. 
 Waite" I am led to ask, Are these men fools, or do they 
 think every body else so ?" For they hold up the idea* 
 that if a man has eight or ten dollars to spare, he has noth- 
 ing to do but to call at No. 64 or 38 Maiden-lane, lay out 
 his money for a ticket, and he is as sure of a fortune as if 
 he had it already in his pocket. Not a chimney sweep in 
 the city that would be influenced by their publications, but 
 rather point the finger and laugh at those who make them- 
 selves appear so much like little children. 
 
 There are other religious tenets much more agreeable to 
 the scripture, propagated by men of zeal and integrity, who 
 do much honor to the cause in which they are engaged, and 
 deserve credit for their indefatigable diligence and great as- 
 siduity in striving to promote the well being of mankind. It 
 is our duty to hold these worthy men, and many of their fol- 
 lowers in high esteem. But, (lamentable to say) there are 
 some of their followers who have too much sail for their 
 ballast. And I think, sometimes manifest more zeal than 
 they really possess. Or, to speak more cautiously, they 
 possess a zeal, but not according to knowledge, Rom. x. 2. 
 who will almost go through fire and water to attend to the 
 outward means of grace, whose gestures in time of devo- 
 tion are extremely disgusting ; and by whose side a person 
 possessed of a common degree of moderation cannot sit 
 without being disturbed by their wild-fire. Some gracious 
 
39 
 
 minded people have frequently been robbed of the com- 
 fortable exercises of their minds by the stamping and slap- 
 ing and hooting of those who appear as if they thought re- 
 ligion consisted entirely in noise and racket and hubbub. 
 Pitty but they could view themselves with an impartial 
 eye before a looking-glass, and be made ashamed of such 
 silly conduct. 
 
 For they not only bring a disgrace upon themselves, 
 which they justly deserve, but likewise upon the more 
 lespectable and worthy members with whom they are 
 connected. When I go to a house of devotion, I wish to 
 hear what may be said ; but when the voice of the speaker 
 is obstructed by the clamors of the clamorous, I could 
 wish myself at home. But this they call the " power of 
 God." Quite too good a name for so enthusiastic an ex- 
 ercise. Let me die the death of the righteous, and let my 
 last end be like his ; but let me always be kept by the 
 " power of God" from such sottish extremes as are ex- 
 hibited by those, who seem as if they cared for nothing but 
 a present enjoyment of these perishable flights of transito- 
 ry comfort. It is some relief for a sick person to groan; 
 and it is equally as natural for a man in trouble to vent 
 his grief with a sigh ; but for one to walk in the light of 
 his own fire, and compass himself about with sparks of 
 his own kindling, he need promise himself no better re- 
 ward than to lie down in sorrow. 
 
 These light-headed boys (for such in fact they are, 
 whether old or young) must be seen and heard above ev- 
 ery body else — choose the " uppermost seats in the syna- 
 gogues," and are fond of " greetings in the market pla- 
 ces." Their minds are no ways susceptible of the most 
 
40 
 
 gentle reproof ; but their own way is best : " It is not 
 right to restrain the power of GodP — So there is none so 
 deaf as those that won't hear ; and it is of no use to offer 
 spectacles to a man that is bliad. 
 
 Some attend the house of public devotion to see and be 
 seen ; and for that purpose are sure always to place them- 
 selves in some conspicuous situation answerable to their 
 corrupt views. Others go to hear and be heard, and will 
 not fail to give a hearty Amen at the middle, and some- 
 times at the very beginning of a sentence, before it is pos- 
 sible for the most discerning person in the world to form 
 the least idea of what is going to be said. Such singular- 
 ities ought always to be avoided, (and will be by every 
 well-informed person) for they only tend to attract the at- 
 tention of the people, and draw their minds from a better 
 employment. 
 
 But any thing to give vent to their wonderful zeal ; 
 and wherein the tongue falls short of this, the hand, and 
 sometimes the foot, must be engaged in the same employ- 
 ment : and thus they strain their lungs and limbs for 
 but little other purpose than to be heard, or to say the best 
 we can, to give vent to that extravagant zeal, which had 
 much better be restrained than vented, to the entire sub- 
 version of Christian decorum and all good order. 
 
 If by preaching or praying, or any other means of grace, 
 temp red with a due proportion of gospel zeal, sinners, by 
 thousands, were pricked to the heart, and constrained to 
 cry aloud for mercy,- and enquire what they should do to 
 be saved ; or pious Christians constrained to raise their 
 voices with their hearts, I should be highly gratified at the 
 sight; and think, in such a case, every laborer in the 
 
49 
 
 pose we can do nothing better than to exercise all the pru- 
 dence and discretion we are possessed of, and conduct ac- 
 cordingly. 
 
 With regard to the forms of public worship, I believe a 
 a man may introduce it either by singing, praying, read- 
 ing or exhortation. I think it no ways material, because 
 I cannot find that scripture directs us to any particular 
 mode. Therefore, in this respect, let each one exercise 
 his judgment, and yield to such impressions, or conform 
 to such modes as appear best calculated to promote 
 the spiritual prosperity of his fellow-mortals. 
 
 When we take a view of our Saviour's sermon upon the 
 mount, and consider with what plainness and simplicity 
 he addressed himself to his audience, we are ready to con- 
 sider this as a suitable example for all our ministerial 
 brethren in their public administrations. 
 
 No divisions to be found except what naturally arose 
 from the different subjects upon which he was speaking. 
 This pattern by our divine master, together with the like 
 examples shewn us by all the sacred penmen, ought to be 
 taken for a guide whenever a man stands between the liv- 
 ing and the dead, with the sword of the spirit in his mouth. 
 
 But since we have become wise above what is written, 
 we can make artificial divisions and subdivisions in our dis- 
 courses, and adorn our ministerial exercises with as many 
 little trinkets and gewgaws as there are demi-semi-quavers 
 in a semibreve. 
 
 Sometimes the preacher, at the introduction of public 
 worship, prays to the Lord to direct his mind to some suit- 
 able portion of scripture, as if he was at a loss for a sub- 
 ject. Rut, upon hi^ opening the bible, we behold a lea£ 
 
 G 
 
50 
 
 bent down, upon which his mind (doubtless) had already 
 been fixed, and his sections and divisions and sub-division* 
 all completely made out. 
 
 I might, with equal propriety, advance an objection 
 against the modern mode of singing in the manner generally 
 practised by many Christian Churches and worshipping 
 assemblies. 
 
 That the singing of psalms and hymns and spiritual 
 songs, constituted a part of the devotional exercises of the 
 primitive Christians, I have not the least doubt. Yet I 
 have no assurance that it was their practice to carry the 
 four parts agreeably to our modern customs, viz. bass, 
 tenor, counter, and treble ; much less to make use of fuge- 
 ing tunes, which appear to contain more curiosity than any 
 thing else ; and from a want of solemnity, ought never to 
 be admitted into the devotional exercises of worshiping as- 
 semblies ; being better calculated to amuse the carnal 
 mind than to animate the pious soul. 
 
 But these I consider as mere trifles when compared to 
 the following extravagancies, for which every guilty 
 person ought to blush. 
 
 I have known some to attend church, and read prayers 
 upon the Sabbath, with the appearance of the greatest 
 sanctity, and the next day attend the cock-pit or card-table, 
 and ad^rn their common conversation with oaths and im- 
 precations, which give sufficient evidence of the wicked- 
 ness of their hearts. No form of re3igion in their 
 families, that being entirely restricted to the church, and, 
 tike a prisoner, confined within its walls. 
 
 Those very people would stand up in the presence of 
 God and a large congregation with th^ir children, a >d 
 sometimes the children of other people, cf whose souls they 
 
51 
 
 would take no more care than they do of the souls of their 
 beasts, (if they have any) as to setting good examples, or 
 giving religious instruction, and promise that they should 
 " renounce the devil and all his works, the pomps and vani- 
 ties of this wicked world," &c. And thus they mock theirGod 
 by promising for their children what they are not willing to 
 perform themselves. And then, as if their duty was en- 
 tirely accomplished, and they free from every kind of re- 
 straint, away to the hore-race or card-table, grasping after 
 sensual delights, by giving way to worldly, profane, and 
 immoral practices, to the breach of a solemn promise, and 
 the neglect of their souls. And thus they go to any length 
 whatever in vice, without receiving a suitable reproof from 
 their minister, or any of the officers of the church to which 
 they belong ; and are thus left peaceably to go on in sin> 
 instead of being justly punished with expulsion. 
 
 They are, nevertheless, sure to take their seats in the 
 .6hurch, and meet their Domini upon the Sabbath, who 
 will not fail to appear with a powdered head and ministerial 
 robe, whose change of voice and change of dress may pro- 
 perly be denominated a gross violation of that apostolic- 
 rule, that teaches all things to be done decently and in or- 
 der-. 1 Cor. xiv. 40. 
 
 We nevertheless hear him preach a good sermon, or ra - 
 ther read a very good lesson of morality, and give whole- 
 some instructions to his congregation ; but never inforces 
 his precepts by imposing the penalty of expulsion upon 
 the offender. But as I said of our Corporation, so I say of 
 some nominal ministers of the gospel, that they are like the 
 ostrich that lays her egg in the sand — lays a good egg, 
 und takes no further care. 
 
52 
 
 But in once sense the minister is worse than the corpo- 
 ration ; for they will not very often break their own laws, 
 but he will sometimes preach against pride, and at the 
 same time go with a powdered head ! 
 
 And some of his congregation do upon the Sabbath, with 
 solemn voice and face of sanctity, cry, "Lord have mercy 
 upon us, and incline our hearts to keep" the very laws 
 they voluntarily break from day to day ! ! ! They are very 
 careful, while engaged in public devotional exercises, to 
 bow the head and bend the knee at the name of " Jesus," 
 in whose name they profess to be assembled. But this 
 kind of formality is entirely omitted while at the tavern or 
 ale-house ; for then they can make use of oaths and impre- 
 cations, as if their meeting-house religion was all the 
 religion they cared for. 
 
 There are some popular ministers of the gospel, whose 
 eloquence is calculated to charm the heart of a stone, and f 
 greatly attract the attention of a listening audience — who 
 are much in the habit of acting the part of an auctioneer, by 
 striking at the highest bid, and making merchandize of the 
 gospel. They will remove from post to pillar, and from 
 pillar to post, in order to change a bad situation for a good 
 one. And then with a hawk's eye and listening ear, are al- 
 ways attentive to the loudest call : and if it is of a gingling 
 kind, will up stakes, like a Turkish caravan, and away to 
 the land that flows with milk and honey. No matter 
 what becomes of the flock that is left behind. The good 
 shepherd may keep them, or the wolf may take them ; 
 but at any rate, the reverend clergyman must try to in- 
 crease his salary, for the "laborer is worthy of his hire." 
 
 The prosperity of the church, or the good of souls, is 
 
55 
 
 aot uppermost in his mind, but how he can eontrive mat* 
 ters so as to increase his wages and get more money. 
 
 But at language like this, perhaps the money-hunter 
 will feel his mind disturbed, and enquire as the Philistines 
 did ; " Who hath done this ?" and want nothing but an 
 opportunity to serve me as they did Sampson. 
 
 Some dogs want nothing but the sound of a whip, and 
 they will yelp worse than if their heads were cut off ; 
 while others are so sulky, they would bear to be cut in- 
 to pound pieces before they would quit their grip. 
 
 Again, some dogs are good for nothing but to bark ; 
 others of a more ravenous di -position, will give only a 
 growl and a snap, and the snap comes first. 
 
 When I see a minister of the gospel (improperly so cal- 
 led) quit his situation, where he gets a thousand dollars 
 per annum, listen to a " louder call," turn his back upon 
 his congregation, and go where he can get fifteen hundred* 
 it makes me think of the auctioneers at the Coffee-house, 
 where they are always careful to strike off their goods to 
 the highest bidder. There is nevertheless this nominal 
 difference, the latter gives it the name of the highest bid., 
 the former of the loudest call : but this is only using dif- 
 ferent terms to express the same idea ; as if you should 
 ask a man to drink a glass of grog ; but offering the same 
 to a woman, you would politely call it spirits and water. 
 
 There are others again, who, in order to quench their 
 insatiable thirst after the guineas and dollars, are 
 still less observing of the rules of common decenc}^. 
 The discipline of their church will not admit of their 
 pedling themselves about from one congregation to 
 another of the same order, to increase their salary ; 
 
54 
 
 but they make ro conscience of deserting from the denom- 
 ination to which they belong, to espouse the cause of an 
 adverse party. 
 
 These poor wretches, above all people I ever knew, 
 are possessed of the least degree of gratitude ; and it is 
 said that " the sin of ingratitude is worse than the sin of 
 witchcraft." Their friends had borne with their weakness- 
 es, and taken them by the hand when they were scarce 
 able to walk straight, or go alone ; and listened to their 
 feeble but well-meant endeavors with prayerful atten- 
 tion — made no account of their repeated blunders ; but 
 when taking a view of their hobbling diligence and snail- 
 like proficiency, were ever ready to strengthen their hands 
 and encourage their hearts, from a consideration that they 
 were sincere, though not possessed of the eloquence of an 
 orator. 
 
 But no sooner do they find themselves independent, and 
 feel like sons of liberty, (having a lively sense of their 
 own ministerial abilities) than the serpent with his be- 
 guiling influence, begins to whisper. The loaves and 
 fishes are exhibited to view. The devil offers a good 
 share of worldly riches and honor upon certain easy con- 
 ditions — your labor is hard, your church government is 
 bad, you are not well respected, you will die a poor man ; 
 and a thousand other things never before thought of, is 
 brought to view. When the splendid sight of a Domini 
 in silver slippers ravishes the mind, and the bare shadow of 
 preferment induces the man to cease from the promulga- 
 tion of a doctrine truly honorable, and accept of an offer 
 that ought to have been despised. 
 
 A gospel money-hunter when wishing to increase his 
 
55 
 
 salary, and go where he can get more dollars, will not fail 
 to furnish himself with some very plausible apology for 
 so doing. Thus said one when about to desert from one 
 society to another : " It is not money I am seeking aft p r, 
 but a church with whose government I shall be suited." 
 But he took good care and placed himself where he in- 
 creased his salary about five hundred per cent : and this 
 I suppose was the church-government he was seeking af- 
 ter. If he could have been ordained a Bishop, or made a 
 Presiding Elder, it is not probable he would have found 
 fault with the government of the church. 
 
 But as for such trash, the sooner they go the better ; for 
 their room is much better than their company. He that 
 is the most anxious to obtain an office of power, whether 
 it be of a civil or religious nature, will be the most mor- 
 tified at the want of success, and generally the least 
 fit for the preferment after which he is aspiring. And 
 when a man will stick up his nose, and relinquish what 
 little power he has, because his friends don't think fit to 
 give him greater, it is a pretty good evidence that he is not 
 worthy of a more elevated station ; and if he could obtain 
 it, would quickly shew the haughtiness of his disposition, 
 by a display of that tyranny, of which he complains as be- 
 ing exercised towards him, by their not exalting him to a 
 higher post of honor ; which preferment he thinks he had 
 a just right to demand at their hands. 
 
 So much for listening to the delusions of Satan, who is 
 pretty sure to entrap every one that will lend him their 
 attention : " Virtue that parlies is near a surrender." He 
 that runs away from a good cause for honor, ease, or profit, 
 ©ughtto feel ashamed for listening to the voice of decep- 
 
56 
 
 lion. How did Eve disgrace herself, and fall a victim to 
 the beguiling influence of the serpent ? She gave her at- 
 tention to his insinuations; and I think they were well 
 calculated to answer the intended purpose ; read Gen. hi. 
 4, 5. Had he have told her in downright plain terms that 
 God is a liar, and you need not believe his word ; Eve, it 
 is more than probable, would have been startled, and the 
 devil's plan entirely defeated. But here was a complete 
 mixture of policy and fraud, in order to rob the woman of 
 her soul. Fraud is not to be tolerated in any case what- 
 ever ; but policy may be used in certain cases, and is 
 sometimes practised by the very best of men. See Job 
 ii. 10 — the good man, instead of calling his wife " a fool" 
 (as no doubt he thought she was) softened the expression 
 a little by saying, " Thou speakest as one of the foolish 
 women speaketh." Had he without mincing the matter 
 called her a " downright fool," she might have thought 
 herself entirely singular, and (at least in her husband's 
 esteem) the very worst woman in the world : and ten to 
 one but she would spit in his face. But instead of this 
 (whatever his thoughts were about the matter) he only 
 compares her to others of the like kind ; as much as to say, 
 There are other foolish women in the world as well as 
 you. 
 
 It is very w 11 known that misery loves company ; and 
 Job by this comparison I suppose induced his wicked wife 
 to think there were other women as bad as herself, and 
 thereby kept clear of a family war, which might otherwise 
 have ensued, to the disturbance of their peace, and the 
 loss of blood. 
 
 Well would it be for men in general, thus to extenuate 
 
57 
 
 the faults of their wives a little, and not put the worst 
 construction upon every thing ; but the very best that the 
 nature of their case would any way admit of. But it is 
 generally great / and little yon. 
 
 But another dab at the hireling. When two hogs are 
 eating together at one trough, each one is disposed to drive 
 the other away, although there may be food enough for 
 them both, and to spare ; so the one that gets the upper 
 hand gains nothing but a victory after all. Not so with 
 the gospel-hireling. 
 
 Where there is but one premium to be obtained, and 
 that premium, be it ever so great, not half enough to sati- 
 ate the voracious appetite of him who obtains it, no won- 
 der if the applicant should act the part of a lion in the for- 
 est, that expels every other beast of prey, that he may 
 have the whole range to himself. For scarce did a wolf 
 descend from the Alps in quest of prey with much more 
 greediness than some insatiable gospel money-hunters as- 
 pire after an increase of salary. And in fact, I think all 
 those who seek after the fleece more than the flock, ought 
 to be publicly advertised, and served as our auctioneers do 
 the Merino sheep — struck off to the highest bidder. The 
 man has by this time got into a more elevated station, and 
 not content with the highest bid, but looks for the grand 
 appellation of the Right Reverend, &c. And for want of 
 this respect scarcely will the moderation of his temper 
 restrain him from shewing signs of high resentment. 
 
 When we point at people's faults, and give them no bet- 
 ter appellation than they justly deserve ; they will hardly 
 answer to their own names ; and sometimes take exception 
 at not beinc; treated with greater respect. As it was with 
 
 H 
 
58 
 
 a. man I knew, who travelled through the country, mend- 
 ing old pots and kettles, and sometimes would make a sil- 
 ver or a gold ring. A woman who wanted her kettle mend- 
 ed, seeing him pass by with his tools, ran out and called, 
 tinker, tinker — he, not thinking himself treated with due 
 respect, passed on with a deaf ear : but her repeated calls 
 struck the organ with redoubled force, till at length he was 
 constrained to turn his head ; then with lordly motion, and 
 loud tone of resentment, exclaimed, " My name is not 
 tinker; my name is John Lowrigbt." Had she have 
 stiled him "silversmith," no doubt but he would have 
 answered at the very first call. 
 
 It is not good for decent people to associate much with 
 men of this description, least their own minds should get 
 corrupted also ; for he that lies down with dogs must ex- 
 pect to rise up with fleas ; and a man that thinks so little 
 of himself as to form an intimacy with mean company, 
 gives plain evidence of a low mind. 
 
 We will now, for a moment, bid adieu to such enormous 
 extravagancies, practised by those from whom we could 
 not reasonably expect much better things, and take a view 
 of crimes, in themselves of less magnitude, but greatly 
 exaggerated by a deviation from good and wholesome 
 church-laws, instituted by men of piety, but not enforced 
 with much rigor ; a deviation from which is a greater crime 
 in one person than in another. 
 
5$ 
 
 CHAPTER VII. 
 
 He that undertakes to please every body will please no 
 body, and lose his labor in the bargain. But a man, be- 
 ing actuated by right motives, need not care much who he 
 pleases or displeases, so as he keeps a conscience void of 
 offence. 
 
 He that endeavors to follow the fashions of the world, 
 will never keep up with them. But they who keep steady 
 along, are sure to be in the fashion once in a while, and 
 avoid that expensive slavery to which they must otherwise 
 subject themselves, and to which none but simpleton's 
 will conform. 
 
 The little cloud, apparently not bigger than a man's 
 hand, that arose out of the sea, soon spread itself over the 
 feice of the sky, and obscured the whole atmosphere. 
 
 We don't need a telescope to view the growing evils of the 
 day. They have already swelled to such magnitude that 
 we can see them with a naked eye. And as we are com- 
 manded to " abstain from all appearance of evil," and not 
 " destroy our weak brethren with cur strong meat," I have 
 therefore thought proper to caution my . readers against 
 granting themselves certain indulgencies, and conforming 
 to worldly fashions, which, though they can possibly 
 practise without material injury to themselves, may prove 
 hurtful to others, who stand ready to pattern after them, 
 to their own spiritual disadvantage, and the grief of many 
 a well disposed person. 
 
 Some people are so credulous, that they are almost 
 r$ady to believe every thing they hear, its apparent w- 
 
60 
 
 consistency notwithstanding. Others, whether their in- 
 formation comes from the pulpit or the press, or any other 
 quarter, do examine with candor, and embrace no more 
 than what comes well authenticated, and bears the image 
 of truth. 
 
 We do not require the wisdom of a prophet, when we 
 see two hills to discern that there is a valley between 
 them — a white frost is a sure forerunner of a southerly 
 wind ; and always w T hen the wild geeze fly to the south- 
 ward, we may reasonably suppose the northern lakes are 
 covered with ice. And with almost equal propriety may 
 we say, the society is a fallen people in whom we can 
 discover such infallible signs of apostacy. We will now 
 take a view of the enormous nails of some of these pious 
 fashion-followers, extending the eighth of an inch beyond 
 their finger's ends — this I call pride ; and to mend the mat- 
 ter a little I will call it by its right name, devilish pride. 
 And will now ask the reader to shew me the difference (if 
 there is any) between this disposition of mind, and 
 that with which the people are actuated who really 
 belong to the kingdom of the devil ? I think there 
 is a small balance in favor to the non-professor : but to 
 speak in the softest language we can, the one is bad, the 
 other is worse. 
 
 It is true, we can find no powder, as on the heads of ma- 
 ny others ; yet we can find something that does not differ 
 from it the width of a straw. Only take a view of the in- 
 verted hair, (for I dont know what else to call it) it can't 
 be allowed to rest where nature had placed it, but it must 
 be forced up the contrary w r ay ; and for what other pur- 
 pose than to gratify a species of that same pride by which 
 
61 
 
 those are actuated who really load their heads with 
 powder. 
 
 If it can be made to appear that nature has committed 
 an error, and placed the hair wrong end foremost, I 
 should have nothing to say against it ; and in that case 
 they would do right, both preachers and hearers, to invert 
 the hair ; and while nature pulls one way, they ought to 
 pull the other ; and if the conflict should be so sharp as 
 for the hair to fly out by the roots, I should have nothing to 
 say against it, but would pity the man for his misfortune, 
 and applaud him for his courage and conduct. For I 
 should much rather see a man without a hair upon his 
 head, than to see him sneak away and give up so good a 
 cause. But until it can be fully proved that nature has 
 been thus deficient, I shall insist upon it that it is a folly 
 to take so much pains to set so poor an example ; and 
 that a man has as good a right to invert the whole body as 
 a single hair ; and he might for fashion sake or singulari- 
 ty sake, walk backwards, or upon all fours, so as he does 
 but excite the admiration of his spectators. 
 
 Such people just put themselves upon a level with thft 
 young fops, who walk our streets with their spectacles on, 
 who pride themselves in the identical practice, to which, 
 if they were subjected by necessity, would prove a morti- 
 fication to their very souls. But any thing to appear sin- 
 gular ; or any thing to appear in the fashion, so as a man 
 is taken notice of and respected. 
 
 And the people who nick their horse's tails, anil trim 
 their ears in the manner as some do, are actuated by a 
 spirit no less diabolical, and a pity but they should be serv- 
 ed in the same manner. Nor will I excuse the farmer- 
 
62 
 
 throughout the country, for punishing their horses by cut- 
 ting off their tails, which nature hath given for the valua- 
 ble purpose of beating away the flies. Now I am an ad- 
 vocate for what is called the golden rule, do as you would 
 be done by — serve your horses as you would wish them 
 to serve you, upon a change of circumstances. What na^- 
 ture hath given us we have a just claim to ; and no man 
 ought to deprive us of it, unless to answer some better pur- 
 pose than the gratification of pride. And if some of our 
 very old traditionarians were to cut as much from the tails 
 of their coats as they do from the tails of their colts, each 
 one would save enough to make a boy a waistcoat ; and 
 as the saying is, a penny saved is as good as a penny earn- 
 ed. But to the hair again. 
 
 Whenever I see a boy (for I'll call 'em all boys) with 
 his head decorated in this manner, and his hair not suffer- 
 ed to rest where nature had placed it, I immediately think 
 there ought to bo a pair of shoe-maker's nippers applied to 
 the head to cure the disorder of the mind ; or to speak with 
 more modesty, they ought to take a pair of tweezers, and 
 serve their heads as the Chinese do their chins. 
 
 These examples are the more contagious by coming 
 sometimes from a ministerial quarter. — A child wants no 
 better apology for his faults than the example of his father. 
 For my part, I am at a loss to know with what face a min- 
 ister of the gospel could preach against pride, or reprove 
 a woman for curling her hair, or the putting on of gold or 
 any other needless ornament, so long as he can indulge 
 himself in a practice, if not equally as vile, yet a practice 
 entirely useless, to say the best. 
 
 But the pride of different people run in channels as di- 
 
63 
 
 ametrically opposite as the blood that passes through our 
 arteries and veins. Some content themselves with having 
 their hair to stand erect, like the bushes and briars of a 
 forest — enough to affright one who never saw the like be- 
 fore. Others will let it have its natural course, only it 
 must be permitted to grow to an enormous length, and 
 dingle over the eyes and nose like the wattles of a turkey- 
 cock, or an old rooster. — u It is worse to be like a beast 
 than it is to be a beast." 
 
 Nor do I think but that a man's whiskers or ear-locks, 
 or whatever you call them, ought to share the same fate ; 
 seeing they are intended for no other than the same pur- 
 pose. No sooner does the hair begin to peep through the 
 skin of the face, than the boy begins to shew his attach- 
 ment to the fashions of the world ; and tries to play the 
 man, by exhibiting a frizly lock on each side of his face. 
 Thus some are content with a round lock upon the cheek, 
 while others, still more vain, must have a kind of half 
 moon, beginning at the temple, and in a circular form pas- 
 sing the root of the ear, and finishing its course near the 
 corner of the mouth. Its extent across the cheek bears a 
 very good resemblance to the passage cf the gulf stream 
 across the atlantic ocean. With this little difference, the 
 one is natural, the other artificial. But if I was disposed 
 to any thing of this kind, I would as soon carry my whisk- 
 er on the end of my chin ; for I would not care a straw 
 whether it should be said that I was following an old fash- 
 ion, or introducing a new one. 
 
 Some fashions can be followed without much expence, 
 while the earnings of an industrious person are far too lit- 
 tle to support others. Some say a person may as well be 
 
64 
 
 out of the world as out sf the fashion : others, with greater 
 propriety assert, that a man ought to " cut his coat ac- 
 cording to his cloth." He that knows what it is to earn mo- 
 ney by hard labor, generally knows best how to keep it ; 
 but with a man who receives money by handfuls, without 
 much exertion, it is generally " light come, light go." 
 
 There are some young men, qualified by nature, im- 
 proved by art, assisted by good friends, and placed in a 
 situation where their earnings, with frugality, would sup- 
 port themselves and afford relief to many of their suffer- 
 ing friends, and yet, being destitute of that prudence that 
 ought always to adorn their lives, thoughtlessly squander 
 away their earnings, reduce themselves to poverty, and 
 then, for want of wherewithal to indulge themselves in 
 superfluity and intemperance, betake themselves to un- 
 lawful means, and so disgrace themselves in order to ap- 
 pear honorable. 
 
 But what extravagancies may we not expect of those 
 who stand ready at all times to pattern after every new 
 thing they see or hear of. It is this that frequently keeps 
 the poor from getting rich, and brings the rich to poverty. 
 When a new fashion is introduced, the rich and poor are 
 both alike anxious to appear in the tip of the mode ; and 
 sometimes the latter, by exerting every nerve, will make 
 as goodly an appearance as the former : but at other times, 
 the poverty of the poor (to their great mortification) keeps 
 them a little behind. Well would it be for all such to 
 consult their own interest, and be governed more by their 
 own abilities than by the examples of the extravagant. It 
 is not comely to see a man with a ruffled shirt and a ragged 
 coat, nor a woman dressed in silk with holes in the heels 
 
65 
 
 •of her stockings. Others contract debts, to indulge them- 
 selves in pride, which they never find themselves able to 
 pay. Poverty and pride, although very often found to- 
 gether, are nevertheless very unequal companions. I 
 have heard of a woman, who, at the loss of a child, two or 
 three months old, was so anxious to furnish herself with 
 a suit of mourning, that she did actually make use of the 
 money for that purpose which her industrious husband had 
 laid up in order to pay his house-rent, whose furniture 
 within a few days was sold to satisfy the demands of the 
 landlord. She being interrogated how she could have a 
 heart thus to make use of the money while the rent re- 
 mained unpaid, and her husband's clothes neither com- 
 fortable nor decent, replied in a rage, " I don't care, I will 
 have clothes if I go to the devil after them." 
 
 CHAPTER VIII. 
 
 It was one of the wise sayings of one of the wisest of men, 
 that " The destruction of the poor is their poverty." And 
 had he have lived among us of late years, no doubt but 
 his tune would have been somewhat changed, and he 
 have told us the destruction of the poor is their drinking 
 too much rum. 
 
 The tipler continues his custom at the ale-house or tav- 
 ern, till his purse and his credit and the landlord's patience 
 are all exhausted, and then confers the like respects upon 
 any one who will trust him for a glass of rum. No matter 
 
66 
 
 what is the situation of the family. The children may 
 cry for want of bread, and go to bed supper less, but at all 
 hazards the man must have his grog ! A pitiful sight in- 
 deed, to behold a company of robust hearty looking men, 
 neglecting their business, and sitting no better examples 
 for their neighbors and their children, than to spend th^ir 
 time and their money at a tavern, where there is little 
 else but profane talk, foolish chit chat, and telling of sto- 
 ries, from which no one can derive any useful knowledge. 
 Some tell a story an hour long, and then it is difficult to 
 find where they begun, or where they left off. The 
 cream of all their wisdom is nothing more than whey, and 
 its quintessence as insipid as dishwater. 
 
 Some of these spendthrifts will squeese out three pence 
 in the morning for a glass of bitters, and then think them- 
 selves fully entitled to smoak segars all day upon free cost, 
 crowd around the fire, and take up the room of better 
 customers, stop other people's mouths with their tongues, 
 and scarce suffer any to speak but themselves ; just like a 
 bell, no substance within, and good for nothing but to 
 make a noise. 
 
 If they would tell us why water don't runup hill, or 
 why the moon don't change upon the Sabbath as often as 
 on any other day ; or what is the reason the sun is 
 not always on the meridian line at twelve o'clock, some 
 benefit could be derived from their conversation. But in- 
 stead of this, each one has to tell which kind of liquor he 
 likes best ; and how much he has drank at a time without 
 getting drunk ; and will sometimes dispute which is the 
 wholesomest Stoughton's bitters, tanzy bitters, or row 
 
67 
 
 rwn ; when each one is sure to give his voice in favor, of 
 that which best suits his taste. 
 
 When a man's time and money are spent in this way, no 
 wonder that his children are brought up in rags and igno- 
 rance. Some are too poor to educate their children them- 
 selves, and too proud to send them to the free school, and 
 by that means they arefit for neither one thing nor the other. 
 I have known one to request the landlord to cast up the 
 cartage of twelve loads at one shilling and six pence per 
 load; and to inquire the amount of the inspection of 
 twenty-five loads of wood at two cents per load ! 
 
 Much credit is due to all those who have opened the 
 hand of liberality for the establishment of the New-York 
 Free School in this city. And much would it be to the 
 credit of those poor men, to accept of these kind offers, and 
 send their children where they can reap the benefit of so 
 noble an institution. But no fountain can cast up a stream 
 higher than itself. If I could find a man who had never 
 known the benefit nor the want of education, from him I 
 would look for no better things. But as the matter is, 
 there are hundreds of children that really ought to be 
 taken by lawful force from their poor drunken parents, 
 and placed in a better situation. 
 
 If the grog-drinker should save six pence per day, in 
 twelve months he could lay up a sum sufficient to buy a 
 cow. This frugality would conduce much to the comfort 
 of many a poor family, by stopping the cries of the needy 
 children. 
 
 If the keeper of a tavern or grog-shop, was not doubly 
 fortified against the absurdities of his customers, this prac- 
 tice, among many others, would b© enough to excite hmi 
 
68 
 
 to anger. In comes three or four men, apparently as dry 
 as fish, in a great hurry, and give a wrap upon the coun- 
 ter, saying, Landlord, give us something to drink. Up 
 starts the good man, not willing to detain them a moment, 
 Gentleman, what will you please to have ? But not one 
 of them knowing his own mind, the question is, Patrick, 
 what shall it be? O, I don't care, any thing you please. 
 Jemmy, and what will you have; a glass of brandy or a 
 glass of gin ? Faith, and I can drink any thing that comes 
 to hand. How would you like a glass of brandy-sling ? 
 Why, upon my soul, I can drink any thing else but sling. 
 I am no ways difficult — suit yourself and you will suit 
 me. 
 
 By this time the landlord, being tired of their pro and 
 con, and his patience nearly exhausted, sits himself down 
 to take his rest, thinking to compose himself till the im- 
 portant question shall come to a decision. But, no sooner 
 has he taken his seat, than his ears are again accosted 
 with " Come, landlord, pour us out something to drink." 
 Yet no one has any choice, and each one can drink an}' 
 thing that comes to hand. The question is again put 
 around, What will you drink ? And, after mature delibe- 
 ration, they come to an agreement, and it is, Landlord, 
 pour us out some brandy. Gentlemen, I am at your ser- 
 vice: How much would you wish to have? Well, I don't 
 know ; Boys, I call'd you in in order to give you a treat ; 
 how much can we drink ? 1 suppose each of us a small 
 glass will about answer. A small glass indeed I Don't 
 let us trouble the house for nothing: for my part I have » 
 been hard at work, and feel very dry. So after quantity 
 and quality, and every thing else is mutually agreed upon. 
 
69 
 
 the u landlord" obtains his discharge, and is glad to see 
 their backs turned. Give me any thing but a grog-shop 
 and a sailor's boarding-house. 
 
 -«=3> 
 
 CHAPTER IX. 
 
 When a man is dunned for a debt which he is unable to 
 pay, he replies, " You ought to have had it long ago ; but 
 money is scarce, and hard to be got ; you must try to wait 
 a little longer." Indeed money is always hard to be got 
 when there is nothing to spare to get it with — and fre- 
 quently the frivolous plea of the scarcity of money shews 
 the want of a better excuse. But I will readily admit 
 that in certain cases the excuse may be a good one : and 
 for the existence of this evil we may thank the rich, not the 
 poor. — A wealthy farmer can pay one hundred pounds for 
 land, or an hundred dollars for cattle wherewith to stock 
 his farm ; but when a poor mechanic or laborer brings in 
 a bill of five or six dollars for services faithfully performed, 
 it is like drawing teeth to get a cent out of his purse, but 
 he must be put off w ith a call again ; I have no money to 
 spare — don't you want a bushel of grain for your family ? 
 So the poor man goes the rounds among his employers, 
 and can scarcely collect money enough to pay his taxes. 
 By and by his wife gives him notice that their flour and 
 meal is all exhausted, and " this is the last loaf of bread.'* 
 Away goes the man, hires a horse, and being confident of 
 success, calls upon the rich farmer, thinking to accept of 
 his invitation and get a bushel of his grain — but to his 
 great surprise finds an excuse already prepared — " Well, 
 
70 
 
 my dear sir, 1 am sorry to disappoint you ; the grain is in 
 the barn, dry and in good order, and you never saw better 
 in your life ; but really we have been so very busy that 
 we have not had time to thresh it out ; but call almost any 
 other time, and you shall not be disappointed." And 
 thus he proceeds to excuse himse]f for his neglect, and 
 makes a fair promise of a good grist before it be long. 
 The poor man, under the heavy pressure of a disappointed 
 expectation, plucks up courage and takes the freedom to 
 ask for a dollar, saying, the miller has plenty of rye and 
 corn to sell, but 1 can't get it without the money — if you 
 can oblige me with that sum I would thank you very 
 kindly. 
 
 But the hard-hearted miser, whose dollars are as dear to 
 him as the teeth in his head, refuses this small request, 
 and puts him off with saying, he expects to have another 
 use for his money, and cannot nor will not spare it. 
 
 The disappointed mechanic then mounts his nag, and 
 away to his next customer, who has a story equally as pat 
 as his neighbor, and tells him, " I have no money to 
 spare," I am trying to make up a sum of fifty pounds for 
 a certain use, and at this time every penny is one : but I 
 have plenty of rye, and corn, and buckwheat, and as you' 
 have a family to support, you must call once in a while 
 and get a grist. The poor man's prospects now begin to 
 brighten, and he almost views his grain running through 
 the hopper ; for the sound of the farmer's invitation ani- 
 mates his very soul, and he begins at once to feel like a 
 "giant refreshed with new wine," from so fair a prospect 
 of good success, and in his imagination views his hungry 
 children reaching out the hand of joy, to partake of the 
 
71 
 
 fruits of his industry : and when the farmer's long story is 
 ended, he tells him, The grain is just what I want ; we 
 have neither bread nor meal in the house, and I have 
 hired a horse to go to mill . and if you will measure me 
 up a bushel or two, it will oblige me very much, and suit 
 me just as well as the cash. But the farmer, when he 
 comes to wind up the subject, quite frustrates his expecta- 
 tion by singing the old tune, that the grain is not threshed 
 and we are too busy ; you must either wait a few days or 
 thresh it yourself. 
 
 This last explosion almost strikes the man dumb, and he 
 is now at his wit's end, not knowing what course to take. 
 He calls upon another rich farmer, and humbly asks him 
 for a few shillings, which he utterly refuses, saying, I 
 have just laid up a sum of one hundred pounds, in order to 
 hire out, and I must not break it nor dribble it about : — 
 tries hard to put him off with some kind of useless trash, 
 that will do him but little good. So after the man has 
 spent much time in search of a grist, has to go into the 
 barn and thresh it himself, and give a shilling a bushel 
 more than the market price ; and good luck to him if he 
 gets it ground without spending part of another day. 
 
 Now these and the like impositions are practised upon 
 the poor by the rich in some parts of the country ; who es- 
 teem it no crime to fly in the face of that scripture that 
 directs us not to " oppress the hireling, in his wages." 
 
 An industrious country mechanic declared to me, he 
 had rather go into his shop and earn a sum of money, than 
 to go among his employers and collect it where it was due. 
 
 The rich ought to pay the poor for their services as 
 soon as the work is done, and not subject them to the ne- 
 
7*2 
 
 cessity of spending their time in this manner, or of taking 
 goods upon credit. For a poor man can always make 
 bargains to the best advantage when he goes with money 
 in his hand. 
 
 And setting aside the extortion that is frequently prac- 
 ticed, the farmer would lose nothing by his prompt pay- 
 ment; for the money, in the course of its circulation, 
 would soon find its way back into his purse, and so his 
 punctuality would do almost infinite service to the poor, 
 and himself no injury. 
 
 The sum of twenty dollars, by passing through the 
 hands of five men, would pay one hundred ; and not only 
 satisfy the just demands of five different men, who had 
 each his word and honor at stake, but perhaps by this time 
 lodge in the very same purse from whence it started, and by 
 its circulation answer the very purpose for which it was 
 intended ; which, while laying still, would do no other 
 good than to satisfy the craving disposition of a close-fisted 
 miser. This is the man who constrains people to complain 
 of the scarcity of money, when in fact there is enough to 
 answer the end for which it was originally designed, if its 
 circulation was not obstructed by the griping hand of 
 those covetous wretches who wish to tread the poor under 
 foot, and deprive them of the means of a comfortable sub- 
 sistence. 
 
73 
 
 CHAPTER X. 
 
 I have jast now recollected that the butchers and dry- 
 good merchants have entirely escaped my notice in the pre- 
 ceding part of this work, although not the least deserving. 
 And if I should wilfully neglect the men from whom I re- 
 ceive both food and raiment, they would have just cause 
 of complaint. I must speak much in their praise for their 
 unremitted diligence in endeavoring to dispose of the com- 
 modities in which they deal. I have, however, a little to 
 say against the method they generally pursue ; for scarce 
 can a man pass through the market without being stopped 
 by twenty different butchers, who will each in his turn 
 
 introduce him to his stall, and begin to praise his meat. 
 
 Here, sir, will you have a piece of good fat beef ; the best 
 
 and cheapest in market ? This way, this way, Sir, if 
 
 you please Will you take a quarter of lamb ? — It is 
 
 tender as a chicken. Or a round of mutton — It is fat 
 
 and good Here ! just let me weigh it for you It 
 
 comes to so much Take it for six pence less ; and 
 
 upon my word it cost me more money. 
 
 Nor is there a fig to choose between such butchers and 
 many dry-good merchants, who really appear to have 
 been taught in the same school ; for scarcely can a woman 
 peep her head within their doors, if it be only for the vain 
 purpose of shewing her fair face, or her fine clothes, or in- 
 quiring the price of what she don't want to buy, (it may 
 be to have a squint at the shop-keeper) but they are ready 
 to load her down with goods at less than first cost. Here, 
 madam, walk this way — here is something very gay and 
 
 K 
 
74 
 
 fashionable (or very modest, just as the ease may be), li 
 is so much per yard But I will not stand upon tri- 
 fles — you shall have it for three pence less — and positive- 
 ly it cost me more money — but I am determined to sell 
 cheap — there is no such good goods to be found in the city. 
 Just let me cut it off. Why if you go to every store in 
 town you could not be better suited. Indeed, madam, I 
 would not offer it at that price, had I not a note to take up 
 to-day. I have sold off the same piece for more than I ask 
 you, &c. &c. And thus both butchers and merchants appear 
 as if they thought the people blind, and entirely voidof judg- 
 ment or common understanding ; and put themselves upon 
 a par with those hawkers who pass through our streets, 
 praising their oysters and clams, as if they were the 
 only good ones ever brought to market; and appear near- 
 ly as contemptible as the author of a book called " Wash- 
 ington's Life," who has extolled the Father of our coun- 
 try almost as high as the Father of our mercies, and un~ 
 blushingly asserted, that he has brought more "glory to 
 the Supreme Being" than any man that ever lived ! 
 
 The eighth edition of this wonderful work, published 
 at Philadelphia, by Mr. M. L. Weems, contains many 
 things in praise of that great man, which I think well 
 lueant and well spoken. But the weakness of the author 
 i abundantly discovered by a ridiculous deviation from 
 that mod rate path in which every man ought to walk, 
 who undertakes to praise his neighbor. 
 
 Nev r did a poor pedlar bend under his pack, or a waggon 
 horse trudge over the Alleghany mountains with a great- 
 er spirit of industry; than this man has shewn by his un- 
 remitt d diligence in striving to dazzle our eyes with the 
 splendid character of W ashiiigion. There are some peo- 
 
75 
 
 pie with the first sight of whose faces we are much attract- 
 ed, but upon a second view, find them nothing more than 
 common, and ourselves much deceived. Just so with 
 Weems' history of Washington. If the earth should pro- 
 duce two or three more such monsters, and each of them 
 produce a volume so monstrously extravagant as the 
 one now before us, rmd the people of the United States 
 were so grossly deluded as to believe them half to be true, 
 there is no doubt but we should bend the knee, perform 
 acts of devotion, and with Mr. M. L. W. cry, Glory to 
 Washington. 
 
 While perusing his pages, I have cast my eye ur> 
 on several monstrous extravagancies, which, since they 
 have been publicly asserted ought to be publicly proved, 
 or publicly retracted. Just take a view, and judge for 
 yourself: "By firmly obeying the sacred voice of jus- 
 rt tice and humanity, he preserved a life, which, crowned 
 " with deeds of justice and benevolence, has brought more 
 
 * glory to God, more good to man, and more honor to 
 c< himself, than any life ever lived since the race of man 
 
 * began !" I would readily consider this as an accidental 
 error, committed by a well-meaning man, with a view of 
 doing justice to our beloved Hero, was it not that we find 
 his other pages strained up with almost an equal degree of 
 extravagance, as if he wanted the whole world to believe 
 that General Washington's geese were all swans, and him- 
 self something more than an angel. When a man is go- 
 ing down hill every one will give him a push, and vic$ 
 versa, when a man is advancing up hill every one will 
 give him a pull. Washington's character stands suffi- 
 ciently fair in the eyes of all the world, without our re- 
 
76 
 
 sorting to such mean measures in order to make it appear 
 more so. Such resorts would only answer to keep a sink- 
 ing man's head above water ; would appear contemptible 
 in that case, and does much more so in the present. 
 
 Washington, whose worthy name was extensively 
 spread abroad upon every point of compass, and whose 
 meritorious actions had justly elevated him to the very 
 pinnacle of human honor, must now, after his death, have 
 a heavy load of excessive encomiums heaped upon him, 
 which, while he was living, would have raised a blush 
 upon his face, and for which he would have thanked no 
 person, but run off with his fingers in his ears. Mr. 
 Weems speaks much of his good conduct and god-like am- 
 bition, &c. So because his endeavors were generally 
 crowned with success, neither men nor angels afford a 
 suitable comparison, but he must almost be placed upon 
 the level with the King of kings, while poor Thomas Jef- 
 ferson for laying the embargo, doing a bad deed with a 
 good design, must be cursed up hill and down. I cannot 
 understand such partiality ; I am persuaded that many a 
 man has been basely exploded for the self-same conduct 
 for which Washington would have been highly extolled. 
 I suppose that instead of only tolerating the Slave Trade 
 by precept and example, he might have sent ship after 
 ship to Africa, and encouraged that inhuman traffic ever so 
 much, and have kept a thousand slaves where he did an 
 hundred, and our brave historian would not fail to turn it 
 all into acts of the greatest humanity. But let Mr. M. 
 L. W. consider this as nothing. more than a light drop be- 
 fore a heavy shower, I having made the necessary pre- 
 parations to meet him upon his own ground. 
 
77 
 
 CHAPTER XI. 
 
 Having extended my pamphlet very far beyond the size 
 I intended, I must now either come to a close, or intrude 
 upon your patience. " Too much of one thing is good for 
 nothing." I never did like long prayers, long sermons, 
 nor long visits. Withdraw thy foot from thy neighbor's 
 house, lest he be weary of thee and so hate thee, Prov. 
 xxv. 17. It amounts to no crime to cover up the fire and 
 prepare for bed, when a visiting neighbor extends his sit- 
 ting to a late hour. Some night visitors are like bull- 
 dogs, they hang on till they are beat off by broad hints. 
 At bed -time, if one of the company should ask the time of 
 night, the answer is, " Quite early in the evening." And 
 at eleven o'clock, when the family begins to nod for want 
 of sleep, take the hint and go home, and so make the peo- 
 ple twice glad. 
 
 A talkative, in my view, is one of the greatest monsters 
 in the world. He is not willing to talk and let talk, but 
 must engross the whole discourse to himself ; as if he 
 thought himself the only wise person in the world, and 
 his words all clothed with instruction. 
 
 When half a dozen chattering women club together 
 upon an afternoon's visit, they are at no loss for conversa- 
 tion wherewith to occupy the time. Their greatest diffi- 
 culty amidst their stultiloquence, is to find room for their 
 words, and are frequently under the necessity of crowding 
 th^m in edgewise. It is not an uncommon thing for two 
 or three to be speaking at once, when she that has the 
 strongest voice stands the best chance to be heard. But if 
 
78 
 
 these very same women meet together on t an occasion of a 
 more serious nature, ana are interrogated as to their spirit- 
 ual prosperity, or growth in grace, they have but little 
 to say, and that is spoken in so low a tone of voice, and 
 with so little zeal, that it is no way edifying to the minds 
 of their company, who had promised themselves much be- 
 nefit from their conversation. 
 
 Well would it be if they were to pay so much regard 
 to the rules of good discipline, and the feelings of their more 
 serious neighbors, as to abstain from making visits on the 
 Sabbath; a practice which ought to be detested by all 
 Christian people, and tends not a little towards corrupting, 
 the minds of our friends and our neighbors. 
 
 If a worldly person makes a Sunday visit, it is called 
 a breach of the Sabbath ; but professors cf religion may 
 do the same, and exculpate themselves from blame 
 by giving it the soft name of a religious visit; although 
 there may be but little more than tea-table chit-chat for 
 several hours together ! No wonder truir visits become in- 
 sipid, for, like the Pharisee, they have forgotten their er- 
 rand, and substituted worldly instead of pious conversa- 
 tion ; and no marvel if they return home with a barrea 
 mind. 
 
 If a predestinarian was to tell us, that after a man's 
 mind was once illuminated, and his affections regulated 
 by divine grace, every thing he could think, say, or do 
 would certainly be right, you would call up king David, 
 and Judas, and Peter, and Alexander the coppersmith, and 
 a dozen more backsliders, and try to stop his mouth by 
 exhibiting their diabolical practices. In vain do we pcint 
 the finger of contempt against the vile doctrine of Antino- 
 
79 
 
 mianism, so long as our practice contradicts our profession. 
 4t Actions speak louder than words." There are many 
 practical Antinomians among us, the corruptions of whose 
 hearts are abundantly manifested by their outward de- 
 portment, who profess to believe a doctrine better calcu- 
 lated to regulate their lives ; for which inconsistency be- 
 tween their profession and their practice they ought to 
 blush and frel ashamed. 
 
 But Sunday vi -iters are not the only ones by whom our 
 Sabbaths are constantly profaned. No human indulgence 
 be it granted by a corporation, a legislature, a natural pa- 
 rent, or a gospel mi li t :r, (to whom we are always look- 
 ing for better things) is sufficient to justify a man for openr 
 ing his store, or trading upon the Sabbath. 
 
 The frivolous plea oi general custom may answer to stop 
 the mouth of a guilty conscience, but has no more ten- 
 dency to lessen the criminality of the offence, than a wo- 
 man can justify herself for wearing rings and jewels, and 
 gold beads, and curled hair, or long nails, because her 
 neighbors do the same. And the chililike weakness of a 
 woman would be equally exhibited by her being the more 
 emboldened to powder her head and paint and patch her 
 face, because her minister says nothing against it. If a 
 civil or ecclesiastical officer neglects his duty, it is no rea- 
 son we should commit a breach of the best of laws. Neith- 
 er ought our hearts to be stimulated to do evil because sen- 
 tence against an evil work is not speedily executed. 
 
. APPENDIX. 
 
 TVhile writing the foregoing pages some of my friends 
 have cast an eye over my shoulder, and discovered their 
 contents. And each in his turn has taken the freedom to 
 tell me " this is right" and "that is wrong." One found 
 fault with the dedication, another with the preface. One 
 expression is too insipid, another too pointed. And even 
 the printer* himself has had the audacity to send for me 
 to come and expunge or soften a sentence which he 
 thought too severe. And had I have acted the part of 
 some of our public representatives, who oppose their own 
 judgments for the purpose of pleasing the people, I might 
 have dashed out every sentence, and given you nothing to 
 read but blank pages. In which case my book would be- 
 come as contemptible as Pinkney's Tooth-Drops, so 
 highly extoled for universal efficac} 7 — for which each pati- 
 ent ha3 to drop the sum of twenty-five cents into the purse 
 of the practitioner, and then fifty more must go to the tooth 
 drawer, by which time the man is in a fair way to get well. 
 
 And now to, conclude, I request that no person, either 
 high or low, male or female, would ever speak a word to 
 me upon the merit or demerit of m^r pamphlet, or its con- 
 tents, either directly or indirectly, in public or private, at 
 home cr abroad. But if any communication is to take 
 place, let it be in writing, for in no other way shall I feel 
 myself bound to give an answer. 
 
 * Although the Author says, and with truth, that the Printer 
 had the " audacity" to send for him to " expunge or soften a 
 sentence which he thought too severe,'* yet he is of opinion that 
 the Author and the Characters held up to view in this pamphlet 
 are under obligations to him ; the former because he lent him his 
 spectacles, and the latter because he broke off many heavy blows.