THE LIBRARY OF THE 
 
 UNIVERSITY OF 
 
 NORTH CAROLINA 
 
 AT CHAPEL HILL 
 
 ENDOWED BY THE 
 
 DIALECTIC AND PHILANTHROPIC 
 
 SOCIETIES 
 
 PS 111+0 
 • A2 
 1882 
 
1S5L 
 
 UNIVERSITY OF N.C. AT CHAPEL HILL 
 
 10001401 
 
 This book is due at the LOUIS R. WILSON LIBRARY on the 
 last date stamped under "Date Due." If not on hold it may be 
 renewed by bringing it to the library. 
 
 DATE 
 DUE 
 
 RET. 
 
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 DUE 
 
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 iftft 
 
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 JAN £3 
 
 *99fr 
 
 Jft-J 
 
 fomi No. 5f3 
 

 I 
 
I 
 
/ 
 
 
v. 
 
 ^^ . THE %go 
 
 COMPLETE WORKS 
 
 OF 
 
 Aetemxjs Wakd 
 
 [Four Volumes in One.] 
 WITH A BIOGRAPHICAL SKETCH 
 
 (BY MELVILLE D. LANDON, "ELI PERKINS,") 
 AND 
 
 MANY HUMOROUS ILLUSTRATIONS. 
 
 <& 
 
 NEW YORK: 
 
 G. JV. Carleton & Co., Publishers. 
 
 LONDON: CHATTO & WINDUS. 
 MDCCCLXXXII. 
 
according to A ^ of Congress, In tbe year 1€T6, of 
 G. W. CARLETON & CO., 
 la the Office of the Librai-ian of Congress, at Washingtasfc 
 
 Trow's 
 
 Printing and Bookbinding Co., 
 
 405-213 East 12th St., 
 
 NEW YORK. 
 
Artemus on the Lecture Platform—' ' Shall the Star Spangled 
 Banner be cut up into dish cloths? " 
 
 See Page 54. 
 
ONLY 25&T& <N-*n 
 
 A Mormon Episode— "Oh stay, Sir, stay!" sed a tall 
 gawnt f email. 
 
 See Page 62. 
 
CONTENTS 
 
 PAGR 
 
 RfOGRAPHICAL SKETCH, BY MELVILLE D. LaNDON . 1] 
 
 PAET I. 
 
 ESSAYS, SKETCHES, AND LETTEKS. 
 
 Mr. Ward's first Business Letter 25 
 
 On "Forts" 26 
 
 The Shakers . ' . . 28 
 
 High-handed Outrage at Utica 34 
 
 Atlantic Cable Celebration at Baldinsville 35 
 
 Among the Spirits 38 
 
 On the Wing . 41 
 
 The Octoroon 43 
 
 Oberlin 47 
 
 The Showman's Courtship 49 
 
 The Crisis 52 
 
 Among the " Free Lovers " 57 
 
 Wax Figures vs. Shakspeare 55 
 
 A Visit to Brigham Young 59 
 
 The Press 63 
 
 Edmn Forrest as Othello 64 
 
 The Show Business and Popular Lectures . . . . 67 
 
 Woman's Rights 68 
 
 The Prince of Wales 70 
 
 Ossawatomie Brown 74 
 
 Joy in the House of Ward 77 
 
 Boston. (A. Ward to his Wife.) 79 
 
 How " Old Abe " received the News of his Nomination , 84 
 
 Interview with President Lincoln 85 
 
 594468147, 
 7JT 
 
VI CONTENTS. 
 
 PAGH 
 
 Interview with Prince Napoleon .... 90 
 
 Agriculture ... 94 
 
 Busts 99 
 
 A Hard Case ... 100 
 
 Affairs around the Village Green .... 101 
 
 PART II. 
 
 WAR. 
 
 The Show is Confiscated 107 
 
 Thrilling Scenes in Dixie 112 
 
 Fourth of July Oration . . . . • . 116 
 
 "War Fever in Baldinsville 119 
 
 A War Meeting 123 
 
 The Draft in Baldinsville 127 
 
 Surrender of Cornwallis 133 
 
 Things in New York 137 
 
 Canada 140 
 
 The Noble Red Man . . . . .' . . . 144 
 
 Artemus Ward in Richmond 145 
 
 Artemus Ward to the Prince of Wales . . . . 150 
 
 PART III. 
 
 STORIES AND ROMANCES. 
 
 Moses the Sassy ; or, The Disguised Duke . . . 157 
 Marion : a Romance of the French School . . . 161 
 
 William Barker, the Young Patriot .... 163 
 
 The Conscript. A Romance 164 
 
 Only a. Mechanic. A Romance ... . 168 
 
 Roberto the Rover : a Tale of Sea and Shore . . 169 
 
 Red Hand : a Tale of Revenge . . . . 173 
 Pyrotechny: a Romance after the French . . . .177 
 
 A Mormon Romance — Reginald Gloverson . . . 183 
 
CONTENTS. 
 
 vn 
 
 PART IV. 
 
 TO CALIFORNIA AND RETURN. pAQ1 
 
 On ths Steamer, 189; The Isthmus, 190; Mexico, 193; Cali- 
 fomia, 195; Washoe, 198; Mr. Pepper, 200; Horace Gree- 
 ley's Eide to Placerville, 201 ; To Reese River, 205 ; Great 
 Salt Lake City, 208; The Mountain Fever, 210; I am Here, 
 212; Brigham Young, 212; Hurrah for the Road! 215; 
 Very much Married 219 
 
 PART V. 
 
 THE LONDON PUNCH LETTERS. 
 
 1. Arrival in London 223 
 
 2. Personal Recollections 227 
 
 3. The Green Lion and Oliver Cromwell .... 231 
 
 4. At the Tomb of Shakspeare 236 
 
 5 Introduction to the Club 24(1 
 
 6. The Tower of London 245 
 
 7. Science and Natural History 249 
 
 8. A Visit to the British Museum . . . . . 254 
 
 PART VI. 
 
 ARTEMUS WARD'S PANORAMA. 
 
 Prefatory Note by Melville D. Landon . 
 The Egyptian Hall Lecture 
 Programme of the Egyptian Hall Lecture 
 Programme of the Dodworth Hall Lecture 
 
 PART VII. 
 
 MISCELLANEOUS. 
 
 Cruise of the Polly Ann 
 Betsy- Jain Re-orgunized 
 A. Ward's Autobiography . 
 The Serenade .... 
 
 O'Bourcy's " Arrah-na-Pogue " 
 Artemus among the Fenians . , 
 Artemus Ward in Washington 
 Scenes Outside the Fair Grounds 
 The Negro Question 
 Artemus on Health 
 A Fragment — At North Berwick 
 1* 
 
 259 
 262 
 299 
 805 
 
 313 
 
 315 
 316 
 320 
 323 
 327 
 333 
 338 
 341 
 344 
 346 
 
Artemus Ward lias an Interview with President Lincoln. 
 
 See Page 86. 
 
Ohas. Farrar Browne, 
 
 "ARTEMUS WARD." 
 
 A BIOGRAPHICAL SKETCH, BY MELVILLE D. LANDON. 
 
 Charles Farrar Browne, better known to the world as 
 "Artemus "Ward," was born at Waterford, Oxford County, 
 Maine, on the twenty-sixth of April, 1834, and died of con- 
 sumption at Southampton, England, on Wednesday, the sixth of 
 March, 1867. 
 
 His father, Levi Browne, was a land surveyor, and Justice of 
 the Peace. His mother, Caroline E. Brown, is still living, and 
 is a descendant from Puritan stock. 
 
 Mr. Browne's business manager, Mr. Hingston, once asked 
 him about his Puritanic origin, when he replied : " I think we 
 came from Jerusalem, for my father's name was Levi and we 
 had a Moses and a Nathan in the family, but my poor brother's 
 oame was Cyrus ; so, perhaps, that makes us Persians." 
 
 Charles was partially educated at the Waterford school, when 
 family circumstances induced his parents to apprentice him to 
 learn the rudiments of printing in the office of the Skowhe- 
 gan Clarion, published some miles to the north of his native 
 village. Here he passed through the dreadful ordeal to which 
 
BIOGRAPHY OF CHARLES F. BROWNE. 
 
 a printer's " devil" is generally subjected. He always kept 
 his temper ; and his eccentric boy jokes are even now told by 
 the residents of Skowhegan. 
 
 In the spring, after his fifteenth birthday, Charles Browne 
 bade farewell to the Skowhegan Clarion; and we next hear 
 of him in the office of the Carpet-Bag, edited by B. P. 
 Shillaber ( iC Mrs. Partington"). Lean, lank, but strangely 
 appreciative, young Browne used to ec set up " articles from the 
 pens of Charles G. Halpine ("Miles O'Reilly") and John G. 
 Saxe, the poet. Here he wrote his first contribution in a dis- 
 guised hand, slyly put it into the editorial box, and the next 
 day disguised his pleasure while setting it up himself. The 
 article was a description of a Fourth of July celebration in 
 Skowhegan. The spectacle of the day was a representation of 
 ^«he battle of Yorktown, with G. Washington and General 
 Horace Cornwallis in character. The article pleased Mr. 
 Shillaber, and Mr. Browne, afterwards speaking of it, said : " I 
 went to the theatre that evening, had a good time of it, and 
 thought I was the greatest man in Boston." 
 
 While engaged on the Carpet- JBag, the subject of our sketch 
 closely studied the theatre and courted the society of ac- 
 tors and actresses. It was in this way that he gained that 
 correct and valuable knowledge of the texts and characters of 
 the drama, which enabled him in after years to burlesque them 
 so successfully. The humorous writings of Seba Smith were 
 his models, and the oddities of " John Phoenix " were his es- 
 pecial admiration. 
 
 Being of a roving temper Charles Browne soon left Boston, 
 and, after travelling as a journeyman printer over much of New 
 York and Massachusetts, he turned up in the town of Tifiin, 
 Seneca County, Ohio, where he became reporter and compositor 
 at four dollars per week. After making many friends among 
 the good citizens of Tifiin, by whom he is remembered as a 
 patron of side shows and travelling circuses, our hero suddenly 
 set out for Toledo, on the lake, where he immediately made a 
 reputation as a writer of sarcastic paragraphs in the columns of 
 
BIOGRAPHY OF CHARLES F. BROWSE. 11 
 
 the Toledo Commercial. He waged a vigorous newspaper 
 war with the reporters of the Toledo Blade, but while the 
 Blade indulged in violent vituperation, " Artemus " was good- 
 natured aud full of humor. His column soon gained a local 
 fame and everybody read it. His fame even travelled awaj 
 to Cleveland, where, in 1858, when Mr. Browne was twenty- 
 four years of age, Mr. J. W. Gray of the Cleveland Plain-^ 
 dealer secured him as local reporter, at a salary of twelve dol- 
 lars per week. Here his reputation first began to assume a 
 national character, and it was here that they called him a 
 " fool " when he mentioned the idea of taking the field as a 
 lecturer. Speaking of this circumstance while travelling down 
 the Mississippi with the writer, in 1865, Mr. Browne musingly 
 repeated this colloquy: 
 
 Wise Man : — " Ah ! you poor foolish, little girl — here is a dollar for 
 you.* 
 
 Foolish Little Girl: — "Thank you, sir; but I have a sister 
 at home as f oolish as I am : can't you give me a dollar for her ? " 
 
 Charles Browne was not successful as a news reporter, lack- 
 ing enterprise and energy, but his success lay in writing up in 
 a burlesque manner well-known public affairs like prize-fights, 
 races, spiritual meetings, and political gatherings. His depart- 
 ment became wonderfully humorous, and was always a favorite 
 with readers whether there was any news in it or not. Some- 
 times he would have a whole column of letters from young 
 ladies in reply to a fancied matrimonial advertisement, and 
 then he would have a column of answers to general correspond- 
 ents like this : — 
 
 Veritas. — Many make the same error. Mr. Key, who wrote the 
 " Star Spangled Banner," is not the author of Hamlet, a tragedy. 
 He wrote the banner business, and assisted in " The Female Pirate," 
 but did not write Hamlet. Hamlet was written by a talented but un 
 scrupulous man named Macbeth, afterwards tried and executed foj 
 " murdering sleep." 
 
 Young Clergyman. — Two pints of rum, two quarts of hot water, 
 tea-cup of sugar, and a lemon ; grate in nutmsg, stir thoroughly and 
 drink while hot. 
 
BIOGRAPHY OF CHARLES F. BROWNE. 
 
 It was during his engagement on the JPlaindealer that lie 
 wrote, dating from Indiana, his first commnnication, — the first 
 published letter following this sketch, signed " Artemus Ward," 
 a sobriquet purely incidental, but borne with the tt u" changed 
 to an " a " by an American revolutionary general. It was here 
 that Mr. Browne first became, in words, the possessor of a 
 moral show " consisting of three moral bares, a kangaroo (a 
 amoozing little rascal ; 'twould make you larf yourself to death 
 to see the little kuss jump and squeal), wax figures of G. Wash- 
 ington, &c. &c." Hundreds of newspapers copied this letter, 
 and Charles Browne awoke one morning to find himself famous. 
 
 In the JPlaindealer office, his companion George Hoyt writes : 
 tc His desk was a rickety table which had been whittled and 
 gashed until it looked as if it had been the victim of lightning. 
 His chair was a fit companion thereto, — a wabbling, unsteady 
 affair, sometimes with four and sometimes with three legs. 
 But Browne saw neither the table, nor the chair, nor any person 
 who might be near, nothing, in fact, but the funny pictures 
 which were tumbling out of his brain. When writing, his 
 gaunt form looked ridiculous enough. One leg hung over 
 the arm of his chair like a great hook, while he would write 
 away, sometimes laughing to himself, and then slapping the 
 table in the excess of his mirth." 
 
 While in the office of the Plaindealer Mr. Browne first con- 
 ceived the idea of becoming a lecturer. In attending 'he vari- 
 ous minstrel shows and circuses which came to the city, he 
 would frequently hear repeated some story of his own which 
 the audience would receive with hilarity. His best witticisms 
 came back to him from the lips of another who made a living 
 by quoting a stolen jest. Then the thought came to him to en- 
 ter the lecture field himself, and become the utterer of his own 
 witticisms — the mouth-piece of his own jests. 
 
 On the 10th of November, 1860, Charles Browne, whose 
 fame, travelling in his letters from Boston to San Francisco, 
 had now become national, grasped the hands of his hundreds of 
 New York admirers. Cleveland had throned him the monarch 
 
BIOGRAPHY OF CHARLES F. BROWNE 13 
 
 of mirth, and a thousand hearts paid him tributes of adulaion 
 as he closed his connection with the Cleveland Press. 
 
 Arriving in the Empire City, Mr. Browne soon opened an 
 engagement with Vanity Fair, a humorous paper after the 
 manner of London launch, and ere long he succeeded Mr. 
 Charles G. Leland as editor. Mr. Charles Dawson Shanly sajs : 
 " After Artemus Ward became sole editor, a position which ho 
 held for a brief period, many of his best contributions were 
 given to the public ; and, whatever there was of merit in the 
 columns of Vanity Fair from the time he assumed the editorial 
 charge, emanated from his pen." Mr. Browne himself wrote 
 to a friend : " Comic copy is what they wanted for Vanity 
 Fair. I wrote some and it killed it. The poor paper got to 
 be a conundrum, and so I gave it up." 
 
 The idea of entering the field as a lecturer now seized Mr. 
 Browne stronger than ever. Tired of the pen, he resolved on 
 trying the platform. His Bohemian friends agreed that his fame 
 and fortune would be made before intelligent audiences. He 
 resolved to try it. What should be the subject of my lecture? 
 How shall I treat the subject ? These questions caused Mr. 
 Browne grave speculations. Among other schemes, he thought 
 of a string of jests combined with a stream of satire, the whole 
 being unconnected — a burlesque upon a lecture. The subject, 
 — that was a hard question. First he thought of calling it 
 My Seven Grandmothers, but he finally adopted the name 
 of Babes in the Woods, and with this subject Charles 
 Browne was introduced to a metropolitan audience, on the 
 evening of December 23d, 1861. The place was Clinton Hall, 
 which stood on the site of the old Astor Place Opera House, 
 whore years ago occurred the Macready riot, and where now is 
 the Mercantile Library. Previous to this introduction, Mr. 
 Frank Wood accompanied him to the suburban town of ISTor- 
 wich, Connecticut, where he first delivered his lecture and 
 watched the result. The audience were delighted, and Mr, 
 Browne received an ovation. Previous to his Clinton Hall ap» 
 pearance the city was flooded with funny placards reading — 
 
14 BIOGRAPHY OF CHARLES F. BROWNE. 
 
 AETBMUS 
 
 WAED 
 
 WILL 
 
 
 SPEAK A PIECE. 
 
 Owing to a great storm, only a small audience braved tha 
 elements, and the Clinton Hall lecture was not a financial suc- 
 cess. It consisted of a wandering batch of comicalities, touch- 
 ing upon everything except " The Babes." Indeed it was better 
 described by the lecturer in London, when he said, " One of the 
 features of my entertainment is, that it contains so many 
 things that don't have anything to do with it." 
 
 In the middle of his lecture, the speaker would hesitate, 
 stop, and say : lt Owing to a slight indisposition we will now 
 have an intermission of fifteen minutes." The audience looked 
 in utter dismay at the idea of staring at vacancy for a quarter of 
 an hour, when, rubbing his hands, the lecturer would continue : 
 " but, ah — during the intermission I will go on with my lec- 
 ture l'" 
 
 Mr. Browne's first volume, entitled " Artemus "Ward ; His 
 Book," was published in New York, May 17th, 1862. The 
 volume was everywhere hailed with enthusiasm, and over forty 
 thousand copies were sold. Great success also attended the sale 
 of his three other volumes published in '65, '67, and '69. 
 
 Mr. Browne's next lecture was entitled " Sixty Minutes in 
 Africa," and was delivered in Musical Fund Hall, Philadelphia. 
 Behind him hung a large map of Africa, " which region," said 
 Artemus, " abounds in various natural productio as, such as 
 reptiles and flowers. It produces the red rose, the white rose, 
 and the neg-roes. In the middle of the continent is what is 
 called a ' howling wilderness,' but, for my party I have nevei 
 heard it howl, nor met with any one who has»" 
 
BIOGRAPHY OF CHARLES F. BROWNE. 15 
 
 After Mr. Browne had created immense enthusiasm for his 
 lectures and books in the Eastern States, which filled his pock- 
 ets with a handsome exchequer, he started, October 3d, 1863, 
 for California, a faithful account of which trip is given by him- 
 self in this book. Previous to starting, he received a telegram 
 from Thomas Maguire, of the San Francisco Opera House, in- 
 quiring " what he would take for forty nights in California." 
 Mr. Browne immediately telegraphed back, — 
 
 " Brandy and water. 
 
 A. Ward." 
 
 and, though Maguire was sorely puzzled at the contents of the 
 dispatch, the Press got hold of it, and it went through Califor- 
 nia as a capital joke. 
 
 Mr. Browne first lectured in San Francisco on il The Babes 
 in the "Woods," November 13th, 1863, at Pratt's Hall. T. 
 Starr King took a deep interest in him, occupying the rostrum, 
 and his general rece], tion in San Francisco was warm. 
 
 Returning overland, through Salt Lake to the States, in the 
 fall of 1864, Mr. Browne lectured again in New York, this 
 time on the " Mormons," to immense audiences, and in the 
 spring of 1865 he commenced his tour through the country, 
 everywhere drawing enthusiastic audiences both North and 
 South. 
 
 It was while on this tour that the writer of this sketch again 
 spent some time with him. We met at Memphis and travelled 
 down the Mississippi together. At Lake Providence the In- 
 diana rounded up to our landing, and Mr. Browne accompanied 
 the writer to his plantation, where he spent several days, ming- 
 ling in seeming infinite delight with the negroes. For them he 
 showed great fondness, and they used to stand around him in 
 crowds listening to his seemingly serious advice. We could 
 not prevail upon him to hunt or to join in any of the equestrian 
 amusements with the neighboring planters, but a quiet fascina- 
 
16 BIOGRAPHY OF CHARLES F. BROWNE. 
 
 tion drew him ti.) the negroes. Strolling through the "quar 
 ters," his grave words, too deep with humor for darkey com 
 prehension, gained their entire confidence. One day he called 
 up Uncle Jeff., an Uncle-Tom-like patriarch, and commenced in 
 his usual vein: "Now, Uncle Jefferson," he said, "why do 
 you thus pursue the habits of industry ? This course of life is 
 wrong — all wrong — all a base habit, Uncle Jefferson. Now 
 try and break it off. Look at me, — look at Mr. Landon, 
 the chivalric young Southern plantist from New York, he toils 
 not, neither does he spin; he pursues a career of contented 
 idleness. If you only thought so, Jefferson, you could live for 
 months without performing any hind of labor, and at the expi- 
 ration of that time feel fresh and vigorous enough to commence 
 it again. Idleness refreshes the physical organization — it is a 
 sweet boon I Strike at the roots of the destroying habit to-day, 
 Jefferson. It tires you out ; resolve to be idle ; no one should 
 labor; he should hire others to do it for him;" and then he 
 would fix his mournful eyes on Jeff, and hand him a dollar, 
 y MLe the eyes of the wonder-struck darkey would gaze in mute 
 admiration upon the good and wise originator of the only the- 
 ory which the darkey mind could appreciate. As Jeff, went 
 away to tell the wonderful story to his companions, and backed 
 it with the dollar as material proof, Artemus would cover 
 his eyes, and bend forward on his elbows in a chuckling laugh. 
 
 "Among the Mormons " was delivered through the States, 
 everywhere drawing immense crowds. His manner of deliver- 
 ing his discourse was grotesque and comical beyond description. 
 His quaint and sad style contributed more than anything else to 
 render his entertainment exquisitely funny. The programme 
 was exceedingly droll, and the tickets of admission presented 
 the most ludicrous of ideas. The writer presents a fac-simile of 
 an admission ticket which was presented to him in Natchez by 
 Mr. Browne : — 
 
BIOGRAPHY OF CHARLES F. BROWNE. 17 
 
 Admit the Bearer 
 
 AND ONE WIFE. 
 
 A. W ARD. 
 
 In the spring of 1866, Charles Browne first timidly thought 
 of going to Europe. Turning to Mr. Hingston one day he 
 asked: "What sort of a man is Albert Smith? Do you 
 think the Mormons would be as good a subject to the Londoners 
 as Mont Blanc was ? " Then he said : " I should like to go to 
 London and give my lecture in the same place. Can't it be 
 done?" 
 
 Mr. Browne sailed for England soon after, taking with him 
 his Panorama. The success that awaited him could scarcely have 
 been anticipated by his most intimate friends. Scholars, wits, 
 poets, and novelists came to him with extended hands, and his 
 stay in London was one ovation to the genius of American wit. 
 Charles Reade, the novelist, was his warm friend and en- 
 thusiastic admirer ; and Mr. Andrew Haliday introduced him 
 to the "Literary Club," where he became a great favorite. 
 Mark Lemon came to him and asked him to become a con- 
 tributor to Punch, which he did. His Punch letters were 
 more remarked in literary circles than any other current 
 matter. There was hardly a club-meeting or a dinner at 
 which they were not discussed. "There was something so 
 grotesque in the idea," said a correspondent, " of this ruthless 
 Yankee poking among the revered antiquities of Britain, that 
 the beef-eating British themselves could not restrain tleii 
 aughter." The story of his Uncle William who " followed com 
 
18 BIOGRAPHY OF CHARLES F. BROWNE. 
 
 mercial pursuits, glorious commerce — and sold &jap!" an J ids 
 letters on the Tower and " Chowser," were palpable hits, and it 
 was admitted that Punch had contained nothing better since 
 the days of " Yellowplush." This opinion was shared by 
 the Times, the literary reviews, and the gayest leaders of 
 society. The publishers of Punch posted up hi* name in 
 large letters over their shop in Fleet street, and Artemus 
 delighted to point it out to his friends. About this time 
 Mr. Browne wrote to his friend Jack Rider, of Cleveland : 
 
 "This is the proudest moment of my life. To have been as -well 
 appreciated here as at home ; to have written for the oldest comic 
 Journal in the English language, received mention with Hood, with 
 Jerrold and Hook, and to have my picture and my pseudonym as com* 
 mon in London as in New York, is enough for 
 
 " Yours truly, 
 
 "A. Wabd." 
 
 England was thoroughly aroused to the merits of Artemus 
 Ward, before he commenced his lectures at Egyptian Hall ; 
 and when, in November, he finally appeared, immense crowds 
 were compelled to turn away. At every lecture his fame in- 
 creased, and when sickness brought his brilliant success to an 
 end, a nation mourned his retirement. 
 
 On the evening of Friday, the seventh week of his engage- 
 ment at Egyptian Hall, Artemus became seriously ill, an 
 apology was made to a disappointed audience, and from that 
 time the light of one of the greatest wits of the centuries com- 
 menced fading into darkness. The Press mourned his retire- 
 ment, and a funeral pall fell over London. The laughing, 
 applauding crowds were soon to see his consumptive form 
 moving towards its narrow resting-place in the cemetery at 
 Kensal Green. 
 
 By medical advice Charles Browne went for a short time 
 to the Island of Jersey — but the breezes of Jersey were power- 
 less. He wrote to London to his nearest and dearest friends 
 — - the members of a literary club of which he was a member — 
 
BIOGRAPHY OF CHARLES F. BROWZTE. 19 
 
 to complain that his <l loneliness weighed on hiin." He was 
 brought back, but could not sustain the journey farther than 
 Southampton. There the members of the club travelled from 
 London to see him — two at a time — that he might be le 
 lonely. 
 
 His remains were followed to the grave from the rooms 
 bis friend Arthur Sketchley, by a large number of friends and 
 admirers, the literati and press of London paying the last 
 tribute of respect to their dead brother. The funeral services 
 were conducted by the Rev. M. D. Conway, formerly of Cin- 
 cinnati, and the coffin was temporarily placed in a vaultj from 
 which it was removed by his American Mends, and his body 
 now sleeps by the side of his father, Levi Browne, in the quiet 
 cemetery at Waterford, Maine. Upon the coffin is the simple 
 inscription : — 
 
 "CHARLES F. BROWNE, 
 
 AGED 32 TEABS, 
 
 BETTER OOW TO THE WORLD AS ' ARTEMUS WARD. 1 
 
 His English executors were T. W. Robertson, the playwright, 
 and his friend and companion, E. P. Hingston. His literary 
 executors were Horace Greeley and Richard H. Stoddard. In 
 his will, he bequeathed among other things a large sum of 
 money to his little valet, a bright little fellow ; though subse- 
 quent denouments revealed the fact that he left only a six-thou- 
 sand-dollar house in Yonkers. There is still some mystery 
 about his finances, which may one day be revealed. It is 
 known that he withdrew $10,000 from the Pacific Bank to 
 deposit it with a friend before going to England; besides 
 this, his London Punch letters paid a handsome profit. 
 Among his personal friends were George Hoyt, the late Daniel 
 Setchell, Charles W. Coe, and Mr. Mullen, the artist, all of 
 whom he used to style " my friends all the year round." 
 
20 BIOGBAPET OF CHARLES F. BROWNE. 
 
 Personally Charles Farrar Browne was one of the kindest 
 and most affectionate of men, and history does not name a man 
 who was so universally beloved by all who knew him. It was 
 remarked, and truly, that the death of no literary character 
 since Washington Irving caused such general and wide-spread 
 regret. 
 
 In stature he was tall and slender. His nose was prominent, 
 — outlined like that of Sir Charles Napier, or Mr. Seward ; his 
 eyes brilliant, small, and close together ; his mouth large, teeth 
 white and pearly ; fingers long and slender ; hair soft, straight, 
 and blonde; complexion florid; mustache large, and his voice 
 soft and clear. In bearing, he moved like a natural-born gen- 
 tleman. In his lectures he never smiled — not even while he 
 was giving utterance to the most delicious absurdities ; but all 
 the while the jokes fell from his lips as if he was unconscious of 
 their meaning. "While writing his lectures, he would laugh and 
 • huckle to himself continually. 
 
 There was one peculiarity about Charles Browne — he never 
 made an enemy. Other wits in other times have been famous, 
 but a satirical thrust now and then has killed a friend. Diog- 
 enes was the wit of Greece, but when, after holding up an 
 old dried fish to draw away the eyes of Anaximenes' audience, 
 he exclaimed u See 7ww an old fish is more interesting than An- 
 aximenes" he said a funny thing, but he stabbed a friend. 
 When Charles Lamb, in answer to the doting mother's question 
 as to how he liked babies, replied, (i b-b-boiled, madam, 
 boiled / " that mother loved him no more : and when John 
 .Randolph said "thank you /"to his constituent who kindly 
 remarked that he had the pleasure of passing his house, it was 
 wit at the expense of friendship. The whole English school of 
 wits — with Douglas Jerrold, Hood, Sheridan, and Sidney Smith, 
 indulged in repartee. They were parasitic wits. And so 
 with the Irish, except that an Irishman is generally so ridicu- 
 lously absurd in his replies as to only excite ridicule. " Artemus 
 Ward " made you laugh and love him too. 
 
 The wit of " Artemus Ward " and " Josh Billings " is distino- 
 
BIOGRAPHY OF CHARLES F. BROWNE. 21 
 
 tively American. Lord Karnes, in his " Elements of Criticism," 
 makes no mention of this species of wit, a lack which the future 
 rhetorician should look to. We look in vain for it in the Eng- 
 lish language of past ages, and in other languages of modern 
 time. It is the genus American. When Artemus says in 
 that serious manner, looking admiringly at his atrocious pic- 
 tures, — "I love pictures — and I have many of them — 
 beautiful photographs — of myself ; " you smile ; and when he con- 
 tinues, "These pictures were painted by the Old Masters: 
 they painted these pictures and then they — they expired ; '' you 
 hardly know what it is that makes you laugh outright ; and 
 when Josh Billings says in his Proverbs, wiser than Solomon's, 
 " you'd better not know so much, than know so many things 
 that ain't so;" — the same vein is struck, but the text-books 
 fail to explain scientifically the cause of our mirth. 
 
 The wit of Charles Browne is of the most exalted kind. It 
 is only scholars and those thoroughly acquainted with the 
 subtilty of our language who fully appreciate it. His wit is 
 generally about historical personages like Cromwell, G-arrick, or 
 Shakspeare, or a burlesque on different styles of writing, like 
 his French novel, when hifalutin phrases of tragedy come 
 from the clod-hopper who — (i sells soap and thrice — refuses 
 a ducal coronet." 
 
 Mr. Browne mingled the eccentric even in his business let- 
 ters. Once he wrote to his Publisher, Mr. G. W. Carleton, 
 who had made some alterations in his MSS. : " The next book 
 I write I'm going to get you to write." Again he wrote 
 in 1863: 
 
 " Dear Carl : — You and I will get out a book next spring, which 
 will knock spots out of all comic books in ancient or modern history. 
 And the fact that you are going to take hold of it convinces me that 
 you have one of the most massive intellects of this or any other epoch 
 
 " Yours, my pretty gazelle, 
 "A. Ward." 
 
 When Charles P. Browne died, he did not belong to America, 
 for, as with Irving and Dickens, the English language claimed 
 
22 BIOGRAPHY OF CHARLES F. BROWNE. 
 
 him. Greece alone did not suffer when the current of Diog* 
 enes' wit flowed on to death. Spain alone did not mourn when 
 Cervantes, dying, left Don Quixote, the "knight of la 
 Mancha." When Charles Lamb ceased to tune the great 
 heart of humanity to joy and gladness, his funeral was in 
 every English and American household ; and when Chcrles 
 Browne took up his silent resting-place in the sombre shades 
 of Kensal Green, jesting ceased, and one great Anglo-American 
 heart, 
 
 Like a muffled drum went beating 
 Funeral marches to his grave. 
 
 Melville I). Landox. 
 
The Editor of " Tlie Bugle" is interrupted by Betsey Jane and 
 her female warriors. 
 
 See Page 126. 
 
Artemus Eescood from the KanawL 
 
 See Page 37. 
 
ARTEMUS WARD 
 
 FA.RT I 
 
 ESSAYS, SKETCHES, AND LETTEK& 
 
 ONE OF MR. WARD'S BUSINESS LETTERS. 
 
 To the Editor of the 
 
 Sir — I'm movin along — slowly along — down tords your 
 place. I want you should rite me a letter, sayin how is the 
 show bizniss in your place. My show at present consists of 
 three moral Bares, a Kangaroo (a amoozin little Raskal — 
 t'would make you larf yerself to deth to see the little cuss 
 jump up and squeal) wax figgers of G-. Washington Gen. Tay- 
 ler John Bunyan Capt. Kidd and Dr. Webster in the act of 
 killin Dr. Parkman, besides several miscellanyus moral wax 
 statoots of celebrated piruts & murderers, &c, ekalled by few & 
 exceld by none. Now Mr. Editor, scratch orf a few lines 
 sayin how is the show bizniss down to your place. I shall 
 hav my hanbills dun at your offiss. Depend upon it. I want 
 you should git my hanbills up in flaniin stile. Also git up a 
 Irenienjus excitemunt in yr. paper 'bowt my onparaleid Show. 
 We must fetch the public sumhow. We must wurk on theii 
 feelins. Cum the moral on 'em strong. If it's a temperance 
 community tell 'em I sined the pledge fifteen minits arte? Ise 
 born, but on the conter) ef your peple take their tods, gay 
 
26 ON "FORTS." 
 
 Mister Ward is as Jenial a feller as we eve** met, full of :on> 
 wiviality, & the life an sole of the Soshul Bored. Take, don't 
 yon ? If yon say anythin abowt my show say my snaiks is aa 
 harmliss as the new born Babe. What a interestin study it is 
 to see a zewological animil like a snaik under perfeck subjec- 
 shun ! My kangaroo is the most larfable little cuss I evei 
 saw. All for 15 cents. I am anxyus to skewer your iWloo- 
 unce. I repeet in regard to them hanbills that I shall gWf 'em 
 struck orf up to your printin office. My perlitercal sentiments 
 agree with yourn exackly. I know thay do, becawz I never 
 saw a man whoos didn't. 
 
 Respectively yures, 
 
 A. Ward. 
 
 P. S. — You scratch my back & He scratch your back. 
 
 OK " FOKTS." 
 
 Every man has got a Fort. It's sum men's fort to do one 
 thing, and some other men's fort to do another, while there is 
 numeris shiftliss critters goin round loose whose fort is not to 
 do nothin. 
 
 Shakspeer rote good plase, but he wouldn't hav succeeded as 
 a Washington correspondent of a New York daily paper. He 
 lackt the rekesit fancy and imagginashun. 
 
 That's so ! 
 
 Old George Washington's Fort was not to hev eny public 
 man of the present day resemble him to eny alarmin extent. 
 Vvhare bowts can George's ekal be found? I ask, & boldly 
 aui^r no whares, or eny whare else. 
 
 Old man Townsin's Fort was to maik Sassy periller. " Goy 
 to the world ! anuther life salved ! " (Cotashun from Town- 
 sin's advertisemunt.) 
 
ON "FORTS." 27 
 
 Cyrus Field's Fort is to lay a sub-machine tellegraf undei 
 the boundin billers of the Oshun, and then hev it Bust. 
 
 Spaldin's Fort is to maik Prepared Gloo, which mend3 
 every tiling. Wonder ef it will mend a sinner's wickid waze. 
 (Impromptoo goak.) 
 
 Zoary's Fort is to be a femaile circus feller. 
 
 My Fort is the grate moral show bizniss & ritin choice fam- 
 erly literatoor for the noospapers. That's what's the matter 
 with me. 
 
 &c, &c, &c. So I mite go on to a indefnit extent. 
 
 Twict I've endeverd to do things which thay wasn't my 
 Fort. The fust time was when I undertuk to lick a owdashus 
 cuss who cut a hole in my tent & krawld threw. Sez I, 
 " my jentle Sir go out or I shall fall onto you putty hevy." 
 Sez he, " Wade in, Old wax figgers," whareupon I went for 
 him, but he cawt me powerful on the hed & knockt me threw 
 the tent into a cow pastur. He pursood the attack & flung me 
 into a mud puddle. As I aroze & rung out my drencht gar- 
 mints I koncluded fitin wasn't my Fort. He now rize the 
 kurtin upon Seen 2nd : It is rarely selclum that I seek conso- 
 lation in the Flo win Bole. But in a sertin town in Injianny 
 
 in the Faul of 18 , my orgin grinder got sick with the 
 
 fever & died. I never felt so ashamed in my life, & I thowt 
 I'd hist in a few swallows of suthin strengthin. Konsequents 
 was I histid in so much I diclent zackly know whare bowts I 
 was. I turnd my livin wild beests of Pray loose into the 
 streets and spilt all my wax wurks. I then Bet I cood play 
 hoss. So I hitched myself to a Kanawl bote, there bein two 
 other hosses hitcht on also, one behind and anuther ahead of 
 me. The driver hollerd for us to git up, and we did. But 
 ♦he hosses bein onused to sich a arrangemunt begun to kick & 
 squeal and rair up. Konsequents was I was kickt vilently in 
 the stummuck & back, and presuntly I fownd myself in the 
 Kanawl with the other hosses, kickin & yellin like a tribe of 
 Uusscaroorus savvijis. I wasrescood, & as I was bein carrid to 
 
28 THE SHAKERS. 
 
 the tavern on a hemlock Bored I sed in a feeble voise, cf Boys, 
 playin hoss isn't my Fort." 
 
 Mobul — Never don't do nothin which 'isn't your Fort, foi 
 ef you do you'll find yourself splashin round in the Kanawl, 
 figgeratively speakin. 
 
 THE SHAKEBS. 
 
 The Shakers is the strangest religious sex I ever met. I'd 
 hearn tell of 'em and I'd seen 'em, with their broad brim'd hata 
 and long wastid coats ; but I'd never cum into immejit contack 
 with 'em, and I'd sot 'em down as lackin intelleck, as I'd never 
 seen 'em to my Show — leastways, if they cum they was dis- 
 gised in white peple's close, so I didn't know 'em. 
 
 But in the Spring of 18 — , I got swampt in the exterior of 
 New York State, one dark and stormy night, when the winds 
 Blue pityusly, and I was forced to tie up with the Shakers. 
 
 I was toilin threw the mud, when in the dim vister of the 
 futer I obsarved the gleams of a taller candle. Tiein a hornet's 
 nest to my off boss's tail to kinder encourage him, I soon 
 reached the place. I knockt at the door, which it was opened 
 unto me by a tall, slick-faced, solum lookin indrvidooal, who 
 turn'd out to be a Elder. 
 
 "Mr. Shaker," sed I, "you see before you a Babe in the 
 woods, so to speak, and he axes shelter of you." 
 
 " Yay," sed the Shaker, and he led the way into tne house, 
 another Shaker bein sent to put my bosses and waggin under 
 kiver. 
 
 A solum female, lookin sumwhat like a last year's bean- 
 pole stuck into a long meal bag, cum in and axed me was I 
 athurst and did I hunger ? to which I urbanely anserd tl a few." 
 
TEE SHARERS. 29 
 
 She vent orf and I endeverd to open a conversashun with the 
 old nian. 
 
 "Elder, Ispeet?" sed I. 
 
 " Yay," he said. 
 
 " Helth's good, I reckon ? " 
 
 "Yay." 
 
 " What's the wages of a Elder, when he understans his biz, 
 ness __or do you devote your sarvices gratooitus ? " 
 
 " Yay." 
 
 " Stormy night, sir." 
 
 «« Yay." 
 
 « If the storm continners there'll be a mess underfoot, hay ? ,; 
 
 " Yay." 
 
 " It's onpleasant when there's a mess underfoot ? " 
 
 "Yay." 
 
 " If I may be so bold, kind sir, what's the price of that pe- 
 cooler kind of weskit you wear, incloodin trimmins ? " 
 
 « Yay ! " 
 
 I pawsd a minit, and then, thinkin I'd be faseshus with him 
 and see how that would go, I slapt him on the shoulder, bust 
 into a harty larf, and told him that as a yayer he had no livin 
 
 ekal. 
 
 He jumpt up as if Bilin water had bin squirted into his ears, 
 groaned, rolled his eyes up tords the sealin and sed : " You're 
 a man of sin ! " He then walkt out of the room. 
 
 Jest then the femal ein the meal bag stuck her hed into the. 
 room and statid that refreshments awaited the weary travler, 
 and I sed if it was vittles she ment the weary travler was 
 agreeable, and I follored her into the next room. 
 • T sot down to the table and the female in the meal bag pored 
 out sum tea. She sed nothin, and for five minutes the only 
 live thing in that room was a old wooden clock, which tickt ifl 
 a subdood and bashful manner in the corner. This de+lil? 
 stillness made me oneasy, and I determined to talk to the %* 
 male or bust So sez I, " marrige is agin your rules, I bleeve, 
 marm ? " 
 
30 THE SHAKEE8. 
 
 " Yay." 
 
 " The sexes liv strickly apart, I spect ? " 
 
 "Yay." 
 
 " It's kinder singler," sez I, puttin on my most sweetest 
 look and speakin in a winnin voice, " that so fair a made as 
 thou never got hitched to some likely feller." [N. B. — She 
 was upards of 40 and homely as a stump fence, but I thawt I'd 
 tickil her."] 
 
 " I don't like men ! " she sed, very short. 
 
 " Wall, I dunno," sez I, " they're a rayther important part 
 of the populashun. T don't scacely see how we could gn, along 
 without 'em." 
 
 " Us poor wimin folks would git along a grate deal better 
 if there was no men ! " 
 
 " You'll excoos me, marm, but I don't think that air would 
 work. It wouldn't be regler." 
 
 t( I'm fraid of men ! " she sed. 
 
 " That's onnecessary, marm. You ain't in no danger. 
 Don't fret yourself on that pint. 
 
 " Here we're shot out from the sinful world. Here all is 
 peas. Here we air brothers and sisters. We don't marry and 
 consekently we hav no domestic difficulties. Husbans don't 
 abooze their wives — wives don't worrit their husbans. There's 
 no children here to worrit us. Nothin to worrit us here. No 
 wicked matrimony here. Would thow like to be a Shaker ? " 
 
 " No," sez I, " it ain't my stile." 
 
 I had now histed in as big a load of pervishuns as I could 
 carry comfortable, and, leanin back in my cheer, commenst 
 pickin my teeth with a fork. The female went out, leavin me 
 all alone with the clock. I hadn't sot thar long before the 
 Eller poked his hed in at the door. " You're a man of sin ! " 
 he sed, and groaned and vent away. 
 
 Direckly thar cum in two young Shakeresses, as putty and 
 slick lookin gals as I ever met. It is troo they was drest in 
 meal bags like the old one I'd met previsly, and their shiny, 
 silky har was hid from sight by long white caps, sich as I spose 
 
Artkmus among the Shakers. ' Yay," they sed, and T 
 yay'd. [See Page 31.] 
 
THE SHAKER8. 31 
 
 female Josts wear ; but theii eyes sparkled like diuiinds, thei* 
 cheeks was like roses, and they was charmin enuff to make t 
 man throw stuns afc his granmother if they axed him to 
 They comenst clearin away the dishes, castin shy glances at m 
 all the time. I got excited. I forgot Betsy Jane in my rap 
 ter, and sez I, " my pretty dears, how air you ? " 
 
 " We air well," they solumly sed. 
 
 " Whar's the old man ? " sed I, in a soft voice. 
 
 u Of whom dost thow speak — Brother Uriah ? " 
 
 " I mean the gay and festiv cuss who calls me a man of sin. 
 Shouldn't wonder if his name was Uriah." 
 
 " He has retired." 
 
 " Wall my pretty dears," sez I, " let's have sum fun. Let's 
 play puss in the corner. What say ? " 
 
 " Air you a Shaker, sir ? " they axed. 
 
 " Wall my pretty dears, I haven't arrayed my proud form 
 in a long weskit yit, but if they was all like you perhaps I'd 
 jina 'em. As it is, I'm a Shaker pro-temporary." 
 
 They was full of fun. T seed that at fust, only they was a 
 leetle skeery. I tawt 'em Puss in the corner and sich like 
 plase, and we had a nice time, keepin quiet of course so the old 
 man shouldn't hear. When we broke up, sez I, " my pretty 
 dears, ear I go you hav no objections, hav you, to a innersent 
 kiss at partin ? " 
 
 " Yay," they sed, and I yaifd. 
 
 I went up stairs to bed. I spose I'd bin snoozin half ax 
 hnr when I was woke up by a noise at the door. I sot up ii 
 k ad, leanin on my elbers and rubbin my eyes, and I saw tht 
 for.erin picter : The Elder stood in the doorway, with a taller 
 candle in his hand. He hadn't no wearin appeerel on except 
 his night close, which nutterd in the breeze like a Seseshuu 
 flag. He sed, (( You're a man of sin ! " then groaned and went 
 away. 
 
 I went to sleep agin, and drempt of runnin orf with the pret- 
 ty little Shakeresses mounted on my Californy Bar. I thawt 
 the Bar insisted on steerin strate for my dooryard in Baldins 
 
32 THE SHAKERS. 
 
 ville and that Betsy Jane cum out and giv us a warm recep 
 shun with a. panfull of Bilin water. I was woke up arly bj 
 the Elder. He sed refreshments was reddy for me down stairs 
 Then sayin I was a man of sin, he went groanin away. 
 
 As I was goin threw the entry to the room where the vit 
 ties was, I cum across the Elder and the old female I'd met the 
 night before, and what d'ye spose they was up to ? Huggin 
 and kissin like young lovers in their gushingist state. Sez I, 
 " my Shaker frends, I reckon you'd better suspend the rules 
 and git married." 
 
 " You must excoos Brother Uriah," sed the female ; " he's 
 subjeck to fits and hain't got no command over hisself when 
 he's into 'em." 
 
 " Sartinly," sez I, " I've bin took that way myself frequent." 
 
 " You're a man of sin ! " sed the Elder. 
 
 Arter breakfast my little Shaker frends cum in agin to clear 
 away the dishes. 
 
 " My pretty dears," sez I, " shall we yay agin ? 
 
 " Nay," they sed, and I nay'd. 
 
 The Shakers axed me to go to their meetin, as they was to 
 hav sarvices that momin, so I put on a clean biled rag and 
 went. The meetin house was as neat as a pin. The floor was 
 white as chalk and smooth as glass. The Shakers was all on 
 hand, in clean weskits and meal bags, ranged on the floor like 
 milingtery companies, the mails on one side of the room and 
 the females on tother. They commenst clappin their hands 
 and singin and dancin. They danced kinder slow at fust, but 
 as they got warmed up they shaved it down very brisk, I tell 
 you. Elder Uriah, in particler, exhiberted a right smart 
 chance of spryness in his legs, considerin his time of life, and 
 as he cum a dubble shuffle near where I sot, I rewarded him 
 with a approvin smile and sed : " Hunky boy ! Go it, my gay 
 and festiv cuss ! " 
 
 '■' Your'e a man of sin ! " he sed, continnerin his shuffle. 
 
 The Sperret, as they called it, then moved a short fat Shaker 
 to say a few remarks. He sed they was Shakers And all was 
 
THE SHAKERS. 33 
 
 ekal. They was the purest and Seleckest peple on the yearth. 
 Other peple was sinful as they could be, but Shakers was all 
 right. Shakers was all goin kerslap to the Promist Land, and 
 nobody want goin to stand at the gate to bar 'em out, if they 
 did they'd git run over. 
 
 The Shakers then danced and sung agin, and arter they was 
 threw, one of 'em axed me what I thawt of it. 
 
 Sez I, "What duz it siggerfy? " 
 
 «What?"sezhe. 
 
 " Why this jumpin up and singin ? This long weskit biz* 
 niss, and this anty-matrimony idee ? My frends, you air neat 
 and tidy. Your lands is flowin with milk and honey. Your 
 brooms is fine, and your apple sass is honest. When a man 
 buys a keg of apple sass of you he don't find a grate many 
 shavins under a few layers of sass — a little Game I'm sorry 
 to say sum of my New Englan ancesters used to practiss. 
 Your garding seeds is fine, and if I should sow 'em on the 
 rock of Gibralter probly I should raise a good mess of garding 
 sass. You air honest in your dealins. You air quiet and 
 don't distarb nobody. For all this I givs you credit. But 
 your religion is small pertaters, I must say. You mope away 
 your lives here in single retchidness, and as you air all by 
 yourselves nothing ever conflicks with your pecooler idees, ex- 
 cept when Human Nater busts out among you, as I understan 
 she sumtimes do. [I giv Uriah a sly wink here, which made 
 the old feller squirm like a speared Eel.] You wear long 
 weskits and long faces, and lead a gloomy life indeed. No 
 children^ prattle is ever hearn around your harthstuns — you 
 air in a dreary fog all the time, and you treat the jolly sun- 
 shine of life as tho' it was a thief, drivin it from your doors 
 by them weskits, and meal bags, and pecooler noshuns of yourn. 
 The gals among you, sum of which air as slick pieces of calikei 
 as I ever sot eyes on, air syin to place their heds agin weskits 
 which kiver honest, manly harts, while you old heds fool yer- 
 selves with the idee that they air fulfillin their mishun here, 
 and air contented. Here you air, all pend up by yerselves, 
 
 a* 
 
34: HIGH-HANDED OUTRAGE AT UTICA. 
 
 talkin about the sins of a world you don't know nothin of. 
 Meanwhile said world continners to resolve round on her own 
 axeltree onct in every 24 hours, subjeck to the Constitution 
 of the United States, and is a very plesant place of residence, 
 IPs a unnatralj onreasonable and dismal life your'e leadin here. 
 So it strikes me. My Shaker frends, I now bid you a welcome 
 adoo. You hav treated me exceedin well. Thank you kindly, 
 ime and all. 
 
 i( A base exhibiter of depraved monkeys and onprincipled 
 wax works ! " sed Uriah. 
 
 "Hello, Uriah," sez I, "I'd most forgot you. Wall, look 
 out for them fits of yourn, and don't catch cold and die in the 
 /lour of your youth and beauty." 
 
 And I resoomed my jerney. 
 
 HIGH-HANDED OUTRAGE AT UTICA. 
 
 In the Faul of 1856, I showed my show in Utiky, a trooty 
 grate sitty in the State of New York. 
 
 The people gave me a cordyal recepshun. The press was 
 loud in her prases. 
 
 1 day as I was givin a descripshun of my Beests and Snaiks 
 in my usual nowry stile what was my skorn & disgust to see a 
 big burly feller walk up to the cage containin my wax Aggers 
 of the Lord's Last Supper, and cease Judas Iscarrot by the 
 feet and drag him out on the ground. He then commenced 
 fur to pound him as hard as he cood. 
 
 " "What under the son are you abowt ? " cried I. 
 
 S©£ he, Ci What did you bring this pussy lanermus cuss here 
 fur?" & he hit the wax figgor another tremenjis blow on the 
 hed. 
 
CELEBRATION AT BALDIN8VILLE. 35 
 
 Sez I, u You egrejus ass, that air's a wax figger — a repre 
 Bentashun of the false 'Postle." 
 
 Sez he, " That's all very well fur you to say, but I tell you, 
 old man, that Judas Iscarrot can't show hisself in Utiky with 
 impunerty by a darn site ! " with which observashun he ka red 
 in Judassis hed. The young man belonged to 1 of the first 
 famerlies in Utiky. I sood him, and the Joory brawt in a 
 verdick of Arson in the 3d degree. 
 
 CELEBRATION AT BALDINSVILLE IN HONOR 
 OF THE ATLANTIC CABLE. 
 
 Baldinsville, Injianny, Sep. the onct, 18&58. — I was 
 summund home from Cinsinnaty quite suddin by a lettur from 
 the Supervizers of Baldinsville, sayin as how grate things was 
 on the Tappis in that air town in refferunse to sellebratin the 
 compleshun of the Sub-Mershine Tellergraph & axkin me to bo 
 Pressunt. Lockin up my Kangeroo and wax wurks in a sekure 
 stile I took my departer for Baldinsville — " my own, my nativ 
 Ian," which I gut intwo at early kandle litin on the follerin 
 night & just as the sellerbrashun and illumernashun ware com- 
 mensin. 
 
 Baldinsville was trooly in a blaze of glory. Near can I 
 forgit the surblime speckticul which met my gase as I alited 
 from the Staige with my umbreller and verlise. The Tarvern 
 was lit up with taller kandles all over & a grate bon fire was 
 burnin in frunt thareof. A Transpirancy was tied onto the 
 aine post with the follerin wurds — (i Giv us Liberty or Deth." 
 Old Tompkinsis grosery was illumernated with 5 tin lantuna 
 and the follerin Transpirancy was in the winder — (i The Sub« 
 Mershine Tellergraph & the Baldinsville and Stonefield Plank 
 Road — the 2 grate eventz of the 19th cen terry — may intes 
 
36 CELEBRATION AT BALDINSVILLE. 
 
 tines strife never mar their grandjure." Simpkinsis shoe shop 
 was all ablase with kandles and lantuns. A American Eagle 
 was painted onto a flag in a winder — also these wurds, Vvl. — 
 "The Oonstitooshun must be Presarved." The Skool house 
 was lited np in grate stile and the winders was filld with 
 mottoes aiming which I notised the follerin — IS Trooth 
 Bmashed to erth shall rize agin — you can't stop her." " The 
 Boy stood on the Burnin Deck whense awl but him had Med." 
 " Prokrastinashun is the theaf of Time." " Be virtoous <fc 
 you will be Happy." " Intemperunse has cawsed a heap of 
 trubble — shun the Bole," an the follerin sentimunt written by 
 the skool master, who graduated at Hudson Kollige. st Bald- 
 insville sends greetin to Her Magisty the Queen, & hopes all 
 hard feelins which has heretofore previs bin felt between the 
 Supervizers of Baldinsville and the British Parlimunt, if such 
 there has been, may now be forever wiped frum our Escutchuns. 
 Baldinsville this night rejoises over the gerlorious event which 
 samentz 2 grate nashuns onto one anuther by means of a 
 e'acktric wire under the roarin billers of the Nasty Deep. 
 
 QUOSQUE TANTRUM, A BUTTER, CATERLINY, PATENT NOSTRUM ! " 
 
 Squire Smith's house was lited up regardlis of expense. Hia 
 little sun William Henry stood upon the roof firin orf crackers. 
 The old 'Squire hisself was dressed up in soljer clothes and 
 stood on his door-step, pintin his sword sollumly to a American 
 Hag which was suspendid on top of a pole in frunt of his house. 
 Prequiently he wood take orf his cocked hat &, wave it round 
 in a impressive stile. His oldest darter Mis Isabeller Smith 
 who has just cum home from the Perkinsville Female Instertoot, 
 appeared at the frunt winder in the West room as the goddis 
 of liberty, & sung " I see them on their windin way." Boot- 
 eus I, sed I to myself, you air a angil & nothin shorter. K. 
 Boneparte Smith, the 'Squire's oldest sun, drest hisself up as 
 Venus the God of Wars and red the Decleration of Inderpend- 
 unse from the left chambir winder. The 'Squire's wife didn't 
 jine in the festiverties. She sed it was the tarnulest nonsense 
 she ever seed. Sez she to the 'Squire, " Gum into the house and 
 
CELEBRATION AT BALDINSVILLE. 31 
 
 go to bed you old fool, you. Tomorrer you'll be goiu round 
 half-ded with the rumertism & won't gin us a minit's peace till 
 you get well." Sez the 'Squire, " Betsy, you little appresiate 
 the importance of the event which I this night commemerate.' 
 Sez she, " Commemerate a cat's tail — cum into the house thia 
 instant, you pesky old critter." " Betsy," sez the 'Squire, 
 wavin his sword, " retire." This made her just as mad as she 
 could stick. She retired, but cum out agin putty quick with 
 a panfull of Bilin hot water which she throwed all over the 
 Squire, & Surs, you wood have split your sides larfin to see 
 the old man jump up and holler & run into the house. Ex- 
 cept this unpropishus circumstance all went as merry as a 
 carriage bell, as Lord Byrun sez. Doctor Hutchinsis offiss was 
 likewise lited up and a Transpirancy on which was painted the 
 Queen in the act of drinkin sum of "Hutchinsis invigorater," 
 was stuck into one of the winders. The Baldinsville Bugle of 
 Liberty noospaper offiss was also illumernated, & the follerin 
 mottoes stuck out — "The Press is the Arkermejian leaver 
 which moves the world." " Yote Early." " Buckle on your 
 Armer." "Now is the time to Subscribe." "Franklin, 
 Morse & Field." "Terms $1,50 a year — liberal reducshuna 
 to clubs." In short the villige of Baldinsville was in a per- 
 fect fewroar. I never seed so many peple thar befour in my 
 born days. He not attemp to describe the seens of that grate 
 night. Wurds wood fale me ef I shood try to do it. I shall 
 stop here a few periods and enjoy my "Oatem cum dig the 
 tates," as our skool master observes, in the buzzum of my 
 famerly, & shall then resume the show bisnis, which Ive bin 
 into twenty-two (22) yeres and six (6) months. 
 
88 AMONG TEE 8PIRIT8 
 
 AMONG THE SPIRITS. 
 
 My naburs is mo-urn harf crazy on the new-fangle-1 ideal 
 about Sperrets. Sperretooul Sireles is held nitely & 4 or 5 
 long hared fellers has settled here and gone into the Sperret 
 biznis excloosively. A atemt was made to git Mrs. A. Ward 
 to embark into the Sperret biznis but the atemt faled. 1 of 
 the long hared fellers told her she was a ethereal creeter & 
 wood make a sweet mejium, whareupon she attact him with a 
 mop handle & drove him out of the house. I will hear ob- 
 sarve that Mrs. Ward is a invalerble womun — the partner of 
 my goys & the shairer of my sorrers. In my absunse she 
 watchis my interests & things with a Eagle Eye & when I re- 
 turn she welcums me in afectionate stile. Trooly it is with us 
 as it was with Mr. & Mrs. Ingomer in the Play, to whit, — 
 
 2 soles with but a single thawt 
 2 harts which beet as 1. 
 
 My naburs injooced me to attend a Sperretooul Sircle at 
 Squire Smith's. When I arrove I found the east room chock 
 full includin all the old maids in the villige & the long hared 
 fellers a4sed. When I went in I was salootid with "hear 
 cums the benited man " — (i hear cums the hory-heded unbe- 
 leever" — "hear cums the skoffer at trooth," etsettery, et- 
 settery. 
 
 Sez I, a my frens, it's troo I'm hear, & now bring on your 
 Sperrets." 
 
 1 of the long hared fellers riz up and sed he would state a 
 few remarks. He sed man was a critter of intelleck <fe was 
 tnovin on to a Gole. Sum men had bigger intellecks than 
 other men had and thay wood git to the Gole the soonerest. 
 Sum men was beests & wood never git into the Gole at all. 
 He sed the Erth was materiel but man was immaterial, and 
 hens man was different from the Erth. The Erth, continnered 
 
AMONG THE SPIRITS. 39 
 
 the speaker, resolves round on its own axeltree onct in 24 
 hours, but as man haint gut no axeltree he cant resolve. He 
 sed the ethereal essunce of the koordinate branchis of super- 
 human natur becum mettymorfussed as man progrest in Lar- 
 inonial coexistunce & eventooally anty humanized theirsexVes 
 & turned into reglar sperretuellers. [This was versifferusly 
 applauded by the cumpany, and as I make it a pint to get 
 along as pleasant as possible, I sung out (i bully for you, old 
 boy."] 
 
 The cumpany then drew round the table and the Sircle 
 kommenst to go it. Thay axed me if thare was an body in 
 the Sperret land which I wood like to convarse with. I sed if 
 Bill Tompkins, who was onct my partner in the show biznis, 
 was sober, I should like to convarse with him a few periods. 
 
 " Is the Sperret of William Tompkins present ? " sed 1 of 
 the long hared chaps, and there was three knox on the table. 
 
 Sez I, K William, how goze it, Old Sweetness ? " 
 
 " Pretty ruff, old hoss," he replide. 
 
 That was a pleasant way we had of addressin each other 
 when he was in the flesh. 
 
 " Air you in the show bizniz, William," sed I. 
 
 He sed he was. He sed he & John Bunyan was travelin 
 with a side show in connection with Shakspere, Jonson & Co.'a 
 Circus. He sed old Bun (meanin Mr. Bunyan,) stired up the 
 animils & ground the organ while he tended door. Occashun- 
 ally Mr. Bunyan sung a comic song. The Circus was doin 
 middlin well. Bill Shakspeer had made a grate hit with old 
 Bob Bidley, and Ben Jonson was delitin the peple with his 
 trooly grate ax of hossmanship without saddul or bridal. 
 Thay was rehersin Dixey's Land & expected it would knock 
 the peple. 
 
 Sez I, li William, my luvly friend, can you pay me that 13 
 dollars you owe me ? " He sed no with one of the most tre- 
 menjis knox I ever experiunsed. 
 
 The Sircle sed he had gone. li Air you gone, Wiliam?" J 
 
£0 AMONG THE SPIRITS. 
 
 axed. (c Rayther," he replide, and I knowd it was no use to 
 pursoo the subjeck furder. 
 
 I then called fur nty farther. 
 
 " How's things, daddy? " 
 
 " Middlin, my son, middlin." 
 
 (i Ain't you proud of your orfurn boy ? " 
 
 " Scacely." 
 
 " Why not, my parient ? " 
 
 " Becawz you hav gone to writin for the noospapers, my 
 son. Bimeby you'll lose all your character for trooth and ver- 
 rasserty. When I helpt you into the show biznis I told you 
 to dignerfy that there profeshun. Litteratoor is low." 
 
 He also statid that he was doin middlin well in the peanut 
 biznis & liked it putty well, tho' the climit was rather warm. 
 
 When the Sircle stopt thay axed me what I thawt of it. 
 
 Sez I, " My frends I've bin into the show biznis now goin 
 on 23 years. Theres a artikil in the Constitooshun of the 
 United States which sez in effeck that everybody may think 
 just as he darn pleazes, & them is my sentiments to a hare, 
 You dowtlis beleeve this Sperret doctrin while I think it is a 
 little mixt. Just so soon as a man becums a reglar out & out 
 Sperret rapper he leeves orf workin, lets his hare grow all over 
 his fase & commensis spungin his livin out of other peple. He 
 eats all the dickshunaries he can find & goze round chock full 
 of big words, scarein the winrrnin folks & little children & de- 
 stroyin the piece of mind of evry famerlee he enters. He 
 don't do nobody no good & is a cuss to society & a piiit on 
 honest peple's corn beef barrils. Admittin all you say abowt 
 the doctrin to be troo, I must say the reglar perfessional 
 Sperrit rappers — them as makes a biznis on it — air abowt 
 the most ornery set of cusses I ever enkountered in my life. 
 So say in I put on my surtoot and went home. 
 
 Respectably Yures, 
 
 Aktemus Ward. 
 
ON THE WING. U 
 
 ON THE WING. 
 
 (Jents of the Editorial. Corpse : — 
 
 Sin"CE I last rit you I've met with immense success a showin 
 my show in varis places, particly at Detroit. I put up at Mr. 
 Kussel's tavern, a very good tavern too, but I am sorry to in- 
 form you that the clerks tried to cum a Gouge Game on me. 
 I brandished my new sixteen dollar huntin-cased watch round 
 considerable, & as I was drest in my store clothes & had a lot 
 of sweet-scented wagon-grease on my hair, I am free to confess 
 that I thought I lookt putty gay. It never once struck me that 
 I lookt green. But up steps a clerk & axes me hadn't I better 
 put my watch in the Safe. " Sir," sez I, " that watch cost six- 
 teen dollars ! Yes, Sir, every dollar of it ! You can't cum it 
 over me, my boy ! Not at all, Sir." I know'd what the clerk 
 wanted. He wanted that watch himself. He wanted to mak« 
 believe as tho he lockt it up in the safe, then he would set the 
 house a fire and pretend as tho the watch was destroyed with 
 the other property ! But he caught a Tomarter when he got 
 hold of me. From Detroit I go West'ard hoe. On the cars 
 was a he-lookin female, with a green-cotton umbreller in one 
 hand and a handful of Reform tracks the other. She sed every 
 woman should have a Spear. Them as didn't demand their 
 Spears, didn't know what was good for them. " What is my 
 Spear ? " she axed, addressing the people in the cars. " Is it 
 to stay at home & darn stockins &, be the ser-lave of a domin- 
 eerin man ? Or is it my Spear to vote & speak & show myself 
 the ekal of man ? Is there a sister in these koers that has her 
 proper Spear? " Sayin which the eccentric female whirled 
 her umbreller round several times, & finally jabbed me in the 
 weskit with it. 
 
 " I hav no objecshuns to your goin into the Spear bizness," 
 sez I, " but you'll please remember I ain't a pickeril. Don't 
 Spear me agin, if you please." She sot down. 
 
12 ON THE WING. 
 
 At A mi Arbor, bein seized with, a sudden faintness, I called 
 for a drop of suthin to drink. As I was stirrin the beverage 
 up, a pale-faced man in gold spectacles laid his hand upon my 
 shoulder, & sed, " Look not upon the wine when it is red ! " 
 
 Sez I, " this ain't wine. This is Old Rye." 
 
 " It stingeth like a Adder and biteth like a Sarpent ! " sed the 
 man 
 
 iC I guess not," sed I, st when you put sugar into it. That's 
 tfce way I allers take mine." 
 
 i( Have you sons grown up, sir ? " the man axed. 
 
 " Wall," I replide, as I put myself outside my beverage, "my 
 son Artemus junior is goin on 18." 
 
 " Ain't you afraid if you set this example b4 him he'll cum 
 ta a bad end ? " 
 
 " He's cum to a waxed end already. He's learnin the shoe 
 makin bizness," I replide. " I guess we can both on us git 
 aiong without your assistance, Sir," I obsarved, as he was about 
 tc» open his mouth agin. 
 
 " This is a cold world ! " sed the man. 
 
 " That's so. But you'll get into a warmer one by and by if 
 you don't mind your own bizness better." I was a little riled 
 at the feller, because I never take anythin only when I'm on- 
 well. I arterwards learned he was a temperance lecturer, and 
 if he can injuce men to stop settin their inards on fire with the 
 frightful licker which is retailed round the country, I shall 
 hartily rejoice. Better give men Prusick Assid to onct, than 
 to pizen 'em to deth by degrees. 
 
 At Albion I met with overwhelm! n success. The celebrated 
 Albion Female Semenary is located here, & there air over 300 
 young ladies in the Institushun, pretty enough to eat without 
 scasonin or sass. The young ladies was very kind to me, vol- 
 unteerin to pin my handbills onto the backs of their dresses. 
 It was a surblime site to see over 300 young ladies goin round 
 with a advertisement of A. Ward's onparaleld show, conspiok- 
 usly posted onto their dresses. 
 
 They 've got a Panick up this way and refooze to tako Wes- 
 
TEE OCTOROON. 43 
 
 tern money. It never was worth much and when western men, 
 who know what it is, refooze to take their own money it ig 
 about time other folks stopt handlin it. Banks are bustirj 
 every day, goin up higher nor any balloon of which we hav any 
 record. These western bankers air a sweet & luvly set of men. 
 I wish T owned as good a house as some of 'em would break 
 into ! 
 
 Virtoo is its own reward. 
 
 A. Wakd. 
 
 THE OCTOEOOK 
 
 It is with no ordernary feelins of Shagrin & indignashun that 
 1 rite you these here lines. Sum of the hiest and most purest 
 feelins whitch actoate the hum in hart has bin trampt onto. 
 The Amerycan flag has bin outrajed. Ive bin nussin a Adder 
 in my Boozum. The fax in the kase is these here : 
 
 A few weeks ago I left Baldinsville to go to N. Y. fur to git 
 out my flamin yeller hanbills fur the Summer kampane, & as I 
 was peroosin a noospaper on the kars a middel aged man in 
 speckterkuls kum & sot down beside onto me. He was drest 
 in black close & was appeerently as fine a man as ever was. 
 
 il A fine day, Sir," he did unto me strateway say. 
 
 "Middlin," sez I, not wishin to kommit myself, tho lie 
 pefired to be as fine a man as there was in the wurld — " It ia 
 a middlin fine day, Square," I obsarved. 
 
 Sez he, "How fares the Ship of State in yure regine ol 
 country ? " 
 
 Sez I, " We don't hav no ships in our State — the kanaw] 
 r ls our best holt." 
 
 He pawsed a minit and then sed, " Air yu aware, Sir, that 
 fche krisis is with us ? " 
 
44 THE OCTOROON. 
 
 "No," sez I, getting up and lookin nnder the seet, "whara 
 is she ? " 
 
 (i It's hear — it's everywhares," he sed. 
 
 Sez I, tC Why how you tawk ! " and I gut up agin & lookt 
 all round. (C I must say, my fren," I continnered, as I re- 
 soomed my seet, " that I kan't see nothin of no krisis myself." 
 I felt sumwkat alarmed, & arose & in a stentowrian voice ob- 
 sarved that if any lady or gentleman in that there kar had a 
 krisis consealed abowt their persons they'd better projuce it to 
 onct or suffer the konsequences. Several individoouls snick- 
 ered rite out, while a putty little damsell rite behind me in a 
 pine gown made the observashun, " He, he." 
 
 " Sit down, my fren," sed the man in black close, " yu mis- 
 komprehend me. I meen that the perlittercal ellermunts are 
 orecast •with black klouds, 4boden a friteful storm." 
 
 " Wall," replide I, " in regard to perlittercal ellerfunts I 
 don't know as how but what they is as good as enny other kind 
 of ellerfunts. But I maik bold to say thay is all a ornery set 
 & unpleasant to hav around. They air powerful hevy eaters 
 & take up a right smart chans of room, & besides thay air as 
 ugly and revenjeful as a Cusscaroarus Injun, with 13 inches 
 of com whisky in his stummick.'' The man in black close 
 seemed to be as fine a man as ever was in the world. He 
 smilt & sed praps I was rite, tho it was ellermunts instid of 
 ellerfunts that he was alludin to, & axed me what was my prin- 
 serpuls ? 
 
 " I haint gut enny," sed I — " not a prinserpul. Ime in the 
 show biznis." The man in black close, I will hear obsarve, 
 seemed to be as fine a man as ever was in the world. 
 
 u But," sez he, " you hav feelins into you ? You cimpathize 
 with the misfortunit, the lory & the hart-sick, don't you ? " 
 He bust into teers and axed me ef I saw that yung lady in the 
 seet ov t vender, pintin to as slick a lookin gal as I ever seed. 
 
 Sed I, " 2 be shure I see her — is she mutch sick?" The 
 man in black close was appeerently as fine a man as ever was 
 in the world enny whares, 
 
TEE OCTOROON. 45 
 
 "Draw closter to me," sed the man in black close. "Let 
 me git my mowtli fernenst yure ear. Hush — shese a Oo 
 toroon ! n 
 
 " No ! " sez I, gittin up in a exsited manner, ct yu don't say 
 bo ! How long has she bin in that way ? " 
 
 Si Frum her arliest infuncy," sed he. 
 
 u Wall, whot upon arth duz she doo it fur ? " I inquired. 
 
 " She kan't help it," sed the man in black close. " It's the 
 brand of Kane." 
 
 " Wall, she'd better stop drinkin Kane's brandy," I replide. 
 
 <£ I sed the brand of Kane was upon her — not brandy, my 
 fren. Yure very obtoose." 
 
 I was konsiderbul riled at this. Sez I, " My gentle Sir, Ime 
 a nonresistanter as a ginral thing, & don't want to git up no 
 rows with nobuddy, but I kin nevertheles kave in enny man's 
 hed that calls me a obtoos," with whitch remarks I kommenst 
 fur to pull orf my extry garmints. " Cum on," sez I — " Time ! 
 hear's the Beniki Boy fur ye ! " & I darnced round like a pop- 
 pit. He riz up in his seet & axed my pardin — sed it was all 
 a mistake — that I was a good man, etsettery, & sow 4th, & we 
 fixt it all up pleasant. I must say the man in black close 
 seamed to be as fine a man as ever lived in the wurld. He 
 sed a Octoroon was the 8th of a negrow. He likewise statid 
 that the female he was travlin with was formurly a slave in 
 Mississippy ; that she'd purchist her freedim & now wantid to 
 purchiss the freedim of her poor old muther, who (the man in 
 black close obsarved) was between 87 years of age & had to do 
 all the cookin & wasliin for 25 hired men, whitch it was rap- 
 idly breakin down her konstitushun. He sed he knowed the 
 minit he gazed onto my klassic & beneverlunt fase that I'd 
 donate librully & axed me to go over & see her, which I accor- 
 ding did. I sot down beside her and sed "yure Sarvant, 
 Marm ! How do yer git along ? " 
 
 She bust in 2 teers & said, " O Sur, I'm so retchid — I'm a 
 poor unfortunit Octoroon." 
 
 " So I larn. Yure rather more Boon than 0:to, I ^ake it,' 
 
4:6 THE OCTOROON. 
 
 sed I, fur I never seed a puttier gal in the hull endoorin time 
 of my life. She had on a More Antic Barsk & a Poplin 
 ISTubier with Berage trimmins onto it, while her Ise & kurls 
 was enuff to make a man jump into a mill pond without biddin 
 his relashuns good-by. I pittid the Octoroon from the inmost 
 lecusses of my hart & hawled out 50 dollars ker slap, & told her 
 to buy her old muther as soon as posserbul. Sez she " kine sir 
 mutch thanks." She then lade her hed over jnto my sho wider 
 & sed I was " old rats." I was astonished to heer this obsar- 
 vation, which I knowd was never nsed in refined society & I 
 perlitely but emfattercly shovd her hed away. 
 
 Sez I " Marm, I'm trooly sirprized." 
 
 Sez she, " git out. Yure the nicist old man Ive seen yit. 
 Give us anuther 50 ! " Had a seleck assortment of the most 
 tremenjious thunderbolts descended down onto me I couldn't 
 hav bin more takin aback. I jumpt up, but she ceased my coat 
 tales & in a wild voise cride, i( No, He never desart you — let 
 us fli together to a furrin shoor ! " 
 
 Sez I, " not mutch we wont," and I made a powerful effort to 
 get awa from her. " Tins is plade out," I sed, whereupon she 
 jerkt me back into the seet. iC Leggo my coat, you scandaluss 
 female," I roared, when she set up the most unarthly yellin 
 and hollerin you ever heerd. The passinjers & the gentlemunly 
 konducter rusht to the spot, & I don't think I ever experiunsed 
 sich a rumpus in the hull coarse of my natral dase. The man 
 in black close rusht up to me & sed " How dair yu insult my 
 neece, you horey heded vagabone. You base exhibbiter of low 
 wax figgers — yu woolf in sheep's close," & sow 4th. 
 
 I was konfoozed. I was a loonytick fur the time bein, and 
 offered $5 reward to enny gentleman of good morrul carracter 
 who wood tell me whot my name was & what town I livd into. 
 The konductor kum to me & sed the insultid parties wood settla 
 for &50, which I immejitly hawled out, & agane implored sum- 
 buddy to state whare I was prinsipully, & if I shood be thare 
 a grate while myself ef things went on as they'd bin goin fur 
 sum time back. I then axed if there was enny more Octoroons 
 
OBEBLIN. 47 
 
 present, " bocawz," sez I " ef there is, let urn cum along, fur 
 Ime in the Octoroon bizniss." I then threw my specterculs out 
 of the winder, smasht my hat wildly down over my Ise, larfcd 
 highstedcally & fell under a seet. I lay there sum time & fell 
 asleep. I dreamt Mrs. Ward & the twins had bin carrid orf b^ 
 ^Kyenosserhosses & that Baldinsville had bin captered by a an * 
 of Octoroons. When I awoked the lamps was a b Arnin dim,y. 
 Sum of the passinjers was a snorein like pawpusses & the little 
 damsell in the pine gown was a singin " Oft in the Silly nite." 
 The onprinsipuld Octoroon & the miserbul man in black close 
 was gone, & all of a suddent it flasht ore my brane that I'de 
 bin swindild. 
 
 OBEELIN. 
 
 About two years ago I arrove in Oberlir., Ohio. Oberlin is 
 whare the celebrated college is. In fack, Oberlin is the college, 
 everything else in that air vicinity resolvin around excloosivly 
 for the benefit of that institution. It is a very good college, 
 too, & a grate many wurthy yung men go there annooally to git 
 intelleck into 'em. But its my onbiassed 'pinion that they go 
 it rather too strong on Ethiopians at Oberlin. But that's nun 
 of my bizness. I'm into the Show bizniss. Yit as a faithful 
 historan I must menshun the fack that on rainy dase white pe- 
 ple can't find their way threw the streets without the gas is lit, 
 there bein such a numerosity of culleii pussons in the town. 
 
 As I was savin, I arroved at Oberlin, and called on Perfes- 
 ser Peck for the purpuss of skewerin Kolonial Hall to exhibit 
 my wax works and beests of Pray into. Kolonial Hall is in 
 the college and is used by the stujents to speak peaces and read 
 essays into. 
 
 Sez Perfesser Peck, " Mister Ward, I don't know 'bout thia 
 bizniss. What are your sentiments ? " 
 
48 OBEELIN. 
 
 Sez I, " I hain't got any." 
 
 " Good God ! " cried the Perfesser, " did I understan you to 
 say you hav no sentiments ? " 
 
 (JC Nary a sentiment ! " sez I. 
 
 " Mister Ward, don't your blud bile at the thawt that three 
 million and a half of your culled brethren air a clankin their 
 chains in the South ? " 
 
 Sez I, " not a bile ! Let 'em clank ! " 
 
 He was about to continner his flowry speech when I put a 
 stopper on him. Sez I, (i Perfesser Peck, A. Ward is my name 
 & Ameriky is my nashun ; I'm allers the same, tho' humble is 
 my station, and I've bin in the show bizniss goin on 22 years. 
 The pint is, can I hav your Hall by payin a fair price ? You 
 air full of sentiments. That's your lay, while I'm a exhibiter 
 of startlin curiosities. What d'ye say ? " 
 
 " Mister Ward, you air endowed with a hily practical mind, 
 and while I deeply regret that you air devoid of sentiments, 
 I'll let you hav the hall provided your exhibition is of a moral 
 & elevatin nater." 
 
 Sez I, " Tain't nothin shorter." 
 
 So I opened in Kolonial Hall, which was crowded every nite 
 with stujents, &c. Perfesser Finny gazed for hours at my Kan- 
 garoo, but when that sagashus but onprincipled little cuss set 
 up one of his onarthly yellins and I proceeded to hosswhip 
 him, the Perfesser objected. " Suffer not your angry pashuns 
 to rise up at the poor annimil's little excentrissities," said the 
 Perfesser. 
 
 " Do you call such conduck as those a little excentrissity ? " 
 I axed. 
 
 " I. do," sed he ; sayin which he walked up to the cage and 
 sez he, " let's try moral swashun upon the poor creeter." So 
 he put his hand upon the Kangeroo's hed and sed, ci poor little 
 feller — poor little feller — your master is very crooil, isn't he, 
 my untootered frend," when the Kangaroo, with a terrific yell, 
 grabd the Perfesser by the hand and cum very near chawin it 
 orf. It was amoozin to see the Perfesser jump up and scream 
 
THE SHOWMAN'S COURTSHIP. 49 
 
 with pane. Sez I, " that's one of the poor little feller's excen- 
 trissities ! " 
 
 Sez he, ec Mister Ward, that's a dangerous quadruped. He's 
 totally depraved. I will retire and do my lasserated hand up 
 in a rag, and meanwhile I request you to meat out summery 
 and severe punishment to the vishus beest." I hosswhipt the 
 little cuss for upwards 15 minutes Guess I licked sum of his 
 excentrissity out of him. 
 
 Oberlin is a grate plase. The College opens with a prayer 
 and then the New York Tribune is read. A kolleckshun is 
 then taken up to buy overkoats with red horn buttons onto 
 them for the indignant cullured people of Kanady. I have to 
 contribit librally two the glowrius work, as they kawl it hear. 
 I'm kompelled by the Fackulty to reserve front seets in my 
 show for the cullered peple. At the Boardin House the cul- 
 lered peple sit at the first table. What they leeve is maid into 
 hash for the white peple. As I don't like the idee of eatin my 
 vittles with Ethiopians, I sit at the seckind table, and the kon- 
 sequence is I've devowered so much hash that my inards is in 
 a hily mixt up condishun. Fish bones hav maid their appear- 
 ance all over my boddy and pertater peelins air a springin up 
 through my hair. Howsever I don't mind it. I'm gittin along 
 well in a pecunery pint of view. The College has konfired upon 
 me the honery title of T. K., of which I'm sumshuntly prowd. 
 
 THE SHOWMAN'S COURTSHIP. 
 
 Thare was many afFectin ties which made me hanker arter 
 Betsy Jane. Her father's farm jined our'n ; their cows and 
 our'n squencht their thurst at the same spring ; our old mares 
 both had stars in their forreds ; the measles broke out in both 
 famerlies at nearly the same period ; our parients (Betsy's and 
 3 
 
50 THE SHOWMAN'S COURTSHIP. 
 
 mine) slept reglarly every Sunday in the same meefcin house, 
 and the nabers used to obsarve, " How thick the Wards and 
 Peasleys air ! " It was a surblime site, in the Spring of the 
 year, to see our sevral mothers (Betsy's and mine) with theii 
 gowns pin'd up so thay couldn't sile 'em, affecshunitly Bilin 
 sope together & aboozin the nabers. 
 
 Altho I hankerd intensly arter the objeck of my affecshuns, 
 I darsunt tell her of the fires which was raj in in my manly 
 Buzzum. I'd try to do it but my tung would kerwollup up 
 agin the roof of my mowth & stick thar, like deth to a deseast 
 Afrikan or a country postmaster to his offiss, while my hart 
 whanged agin my ribs like a old fashioned wheat Flale agin a 
 barn floor. 
 
 'Twas a carm still nite in Joon. All nater was husht and 
 nary a zeffer disturbed the sereen silens. I sot with Betsy 
 Jane on the fense of her farther's pastur. We'd bin rompin 
 threw the woods, kullin flours & driyin the woodchuck from 
 his Nativ Lair (so to speak) with long sticks. Wall, we sot 
 thar on the fense, a swingin our feet two and fro, blushin as 
 red as the Baldinsville skool house when it was fust painted, and 
 lookin very simple, I make no doubt. My left arm was ocke- 
 pied in ballunsin myself on the fense, while my rite was 
 woundid luvinly round her waste. 
 
 I cleared my throat and tremblinly sed, " Betsy, you're a, 
 Gazelle." 
 
 I thought that air was putty fine. I waitid to see what 
 effeck it would hav upon her. It evidently didn't fetch her, 
 for she up and sed, 
 
 " You're a sheep ! " 
 
 Sez I, " Betsy, I think very muchly of you." 
 
 " I don't b'leeve a word you say — so there now cum ! " 
 w ith which obsarvashun she hitched away from ire. 
 
 " I wish ihar was winders to my Sole," sed I, c * so that you 
 cculd see some of my feelins. There's fire enuff in here," sed 
 I, strikin my buzzum with my fist, "to bile all the corn beef 
 
THE SHOWMAN'S COURTSHIP. 51 
 
 and turnips in the naberhood. Versoovius and the Critter ain't 
 a circumstans ! " 
 
 She bowd her hed down and commenst chawin the stringH 
 to her sun bonnet. 
 
 " Ar could you know the sleeplis nites I worry threw with 
 on your account, how vittles has seized to be attractiv to me 
 & how my lims has shrunk up, you wouldn't dowt me. 
 Gase on this wastin form and these 'ere sunken cheeks " — ' 
 
 I should have continnered on in this strane probly for sum 
 time, but unfortnitly I lost my ballunse and fell over into the 
 pastur ker smash, tearin my close and seveerly damagin myself 
 ginerally. 
 
 Betsy Jane sprung to my assistance in dubble quick time 
 and dragged me 4th. Then drawin herself' up to her full hite 
 she sed : 
 
 <c I won't listen to your noncents no longer. Jes say rite 
 strate out what you're drivin at. If you mean gettin hitched, 
 I'm in ! " 
 
 I considered that air enuff for all practicul purpusses, and 
 we proceeded immejitely to the parson's, & was made 1 that 
 very nite. 
 
 (Notiss to the Printer : Put some stars here.) 
 
 I've parst threw many tryin ordeels sins then, but Betsy 
 Jane has bin troo as steel. By attendin strickly to bizniss 
 Iv'e amarsed a handsum Pittance. No man on this foot-stool 
 can rise & git up & say I ever knowinly injered no man or 
 wimmin folks, while all agree that my Show is ekalled by few 
 and exceld by none, embracin as it does a wonderful colleck- 
 ' ghun of livin wild Beests of Pray, snaix in grate profushun, a 
 endliss variety of life-size wax figgirs, & the only traned kan- 
 garoo in Ameriky — the most amoozin little cuss ever intro* 
 juced to a discriminatin public. 
 
52 TEE CRISIS. 
 
 THE CRISIS. 
 
 [This Oration was delivered before the commencement of the war.] 
 
 On returnin to my humsted in Baldinsville, Injianny, re« 
 Buntly, my feller sitterzens extended a invite for me to norate 
 to 'em on the Krysis. I excepted & on larst Toosday nite 1 
 peared be4 a C of upturned faces in the Red Skool House. 1 
 spoke nearly as follers : 
 
 Baldinsvillins : Hearto4, as I hav numerously obsarved, I 
 have abstrained from having any sentimunts or principles, my 
 pollertics, like my religion, bein of a exceedin accommodatin 
 character. But the fack can't be no longer disgised that a 
 Krysis is onto us, & I feel it's my dooty to accept your in- 
 vite for one consecutive nite only. I spose the innammertory 
 individooals who assisted in projucing this Krysis know what 
 good she will do, but I ain't 'shamed to state that I don't, 
 scacely. But the Krysis is hear. She's bin hear for sevral 
 weeks, & Goodness nose how long she'll stay. But I venter 
 to assert that she's rippin things. She's knockt trade into a 
 cockt up hat and chaned Bizness of all kinds tighter nor I ever 
 chaned any of my livin wild Beests. Alow me to hear dy- 
 gress & stait that my Beests at presnt is as harmless as the new- 
 born Babe. Ladys & gentlemen needn't hav no fears on that 
 pint. To resoom — Altho I can't exactly see what good this Kry- 
 sis can do, I can very quick say what the origernal cawz of her 
 is. The origernal cawz is Our Afrikan Brother. I was into Bar- 
 KIm's Moozeum down to New York the other day & saw that 
 exsentric Etheopian, the What Is It. Sez I, " Mister What Is 
 It, you folks air raisin thunder with this grate country. 
 You're gettin to be ruther more numeris than interestin. It 
 is a pity you coodent go orf sumwhares by yourselves, & be a 
 nation of What Is Its, tho' if you'll excoose me, I shooden't 
 care about marryin among you. No dowt you're exceedin 
 charmin to hum, but your stile of luvliness isn't adapted to 
 
TEE CEI8I8. 53 
 
 this cold climit. He larfed into my face, which rather Riled 
 me, as I had been perfeckly virtoous and respectable in my ob 
 servashuns. So sez I, turnin a leetle red in the face, I spect, 
 "Do you hav the unblushin impoodents to say you folks 
 haven't raised a big mess of thunder in this brite land, Mister 
 Wha t Is It ? " He larfed agin, wusser nor be4, whareupon J 
 up and sez, " Go home, Sir, to Afriky's burnin shores & taik 
 all the other What Is Its along with you. Don't think we can 
 spair your interestin picters. You What Is Its ah- on the pint 
 of smashin up the gratest G-uv'ment ever erected by man, & 
 you actooally hav the owdassity to larf about it. Go home, 
 you low cuss ! " 
 
 I was workt up to a high pitch, & I proceeded to a Restora- 
 fcor & cooled orf with some little fishes biled in ile — I b'leeve 
 thay call 'em sardeens. 
 
 Feller Sitterzuns, the Afrikan may be Our Brother. Sev- 
 ral hily respectyble gentlemen, and sum talentid females tell ua 
 so, & fur argyment's sake I mite be injooced to grant it, tho' 1 
 don't beleeve it myself. But the Afrikan isn't our sister & 
 our wife & our uncle. He isn't sevral of our brothers & all 
 our fust wife's relashuns. He isn't our grandfather, and our 
 grate grandfather, and our Aunt in the country. Scacely. & 
 yit numeris persons would have us think so. It's troo he rung 
 Congress & sevral other public grosserys, but then he ain't 
 everybody & everybody else likewise. [Notiss to bizness men 
 of Vanity Fair : Extry charg fur this larst remark. It's a 
 goak. — A. W.] 
 
 But we've got the Afrikan, or ruther he's got us, & now 
 what air we going to do about it? He's a orful noosanse. 
 Praps he isn't to blame fur it. Praps he was creatid fur sum 
 wise purpuss, like the measles and New Englan Bum, but 
 it's mity hard to see it. At any rate he's no good here, & as I 
 statid to Mister What Is It, it's a pity he cooden't go orf sum* 
 whares quietly by hisself, whare he cood wear red weskits & 
 speckled neckties, & gratterfy his ambishun in varis interestin 
 wase, without havin a eternal fuss kickt up about him. 
 
54 THE CRISIS. 
 
 Praps I'm bearin down too hard upon CufFy. Cum to think 
 on it, I am. He woodn't be sich a infernal noosaL.se if white 
 peple would let him alone. He mite indeed be inierestin. 
 And now I think of it, why can't the white peple let him 
 alone. What's the good of continnerly stirrin him up with a 
 ten-foot pole? He isn't the sweetest kind of Perfoomery 
 when in a natral stait. 
 
 Feller Sitterzens, the Union's in danger. The black devil 
 Disunion is trooly here, starein us all squarely in the face ! 
 We must drive him back. Shall we make a 2nd Mexico of 
 ourselves ? Shall we sell our birthrite for a mess of potash ? 
 Shall one brother put the knife to the throat of anuther 
 brother ? Shall we mix our whisky with each other's blud ? 
 Shall the star spangled Banner be cut up into dishcloths ? 
 Standin here in this here Skoolhouse, upon my nativ shore so 
 to speak, I anser — Nary ! 
 
 Oh you fellers who air raisin this row, & who in the fust 
 place startid it, I'm 'shamed of you. The Showman blushes 
 for you, from his boots to the topmost hair upon his wenerabje 
 hed. 
 
 Feller Sitterzens : I am in the Sheer & Yeller leaf. I shall 
 peg out 1 of these dase. But while I do stop here I shall stay 
 in the Union. I know not what the supervizers of Baldins- 
 ville may conclude to do, but for one, I shall stand by the 
 Stars & Stripes. Under no circumstances whatsomever will 
 I sesesh. Let every Stait in the Union sesesh & let Palmetter 
 flags note thicker nor shirts on Square Baxter's close line, still 
 will I stick to the good old flag. The country may go to the 
 devil, but I won't ! And next Summer when I start out on 
 my campane with my Show, wharever I pitch my little tent, 
 you shall see floatin prowdly from the center pole thereof tho 
 Amerikan Flag, with nary a star wiped out, nary a stripe less, 
 but the same old flag that has allers flotid thar ! & the price of 
 admishun will be the same it allers was — 15 cents, children 
 half price. 
 
 Feller Sitterzens, I am dun. Accordinly I squatted. 
 
WAX FIGURES VS. SHAKSPEARE. 55 
 
 WAX FIGURES VS. SHAKSPEARE. 
 
 Onto the wing 1859. 
 
 I£r Editor: l 
 
 I take my Pen in hand to inform yu that I'm in good heltb 
 and trust these few lines will find yu injoyin the same blessins. 
 I wood also state that I'm now on the summir kampane. A« 
 the Poit sez — 
 
 ime erflote, ime erflote 
 
 On the Swift rollin tied 
 
 An the Eovir is free. 
 
 Bizness is scacely middlin, but Sirs I manige to pay for my 
 foode and raiment puncktooally and without no grumblin. The 
 barked arrers of slandur has bin leviled at the undersined moreD 
 onct sins heze bin into the show bizness, but I make bold to sa\ 
 no man on this footstule kan troothfully say I ever ronged him 
 or eny of his folks. I'm travelin with a tent, which is better 
 nor hirin hauls. My show konsists of a serious of wax works, 
 snakes, a paneramy kalled a Grand Movin Diarea of the War 
 in the Crymear, komic songs and the Cangeroo, which larst 
 little cuss continners to konduct hisself in the most outrajus 
 stile. I started out with the idear of makin my show a grate 
 Moral Entertainment, but I'm kompeled to sware so much afc 
 that air infurnal Kangeroo that I'm frade this desine will be 
 fiustratid to som^ extent. And while speakin of morrality, 
 remines me that sum folks turn up their nosis at shows like 
 mine, sayin they is low and not 3t to be patrernized by peple 
 of high degree Sirs, I manetane that this is infernul non- • 
 sense. I manetane that wax figgers is more elevatin than awl 
 the plays ever wroten. Take Shakespeer for instunse. Peple 
 think heze grate things, but I kontend heze quite the reverse 
 to the kontrary What sort of sense is thare to King Leer, 
 who goze round cussin his darters, chawin hay and throin straw 
 at folks, and larfin like a silly old koot and makin a ass of Ms- 
 
56 WAX FIGURES VS. SRAKSPEAEE. 
 
 self ginerally ? Thare's Mrs. Mackbeth — sheze a nise kind of 
 woonion to have round ain't she, a puttin old Mack, her hus- 
 band, up to slayin Dunkan with a cheeze knife, while hezo 
 payin a frendly visit to their house. O its hily morral, 1 
 spoze, when she larfs wildly and sez, " gin me the daggurs — * 
 He let his bowels out," or wurds to that effeck — I say, this is 
 awl strickly propper I spoze ? That Jack Fawlstarf is like- 
 wise a immoral old cuss, take him how ye may, and Hamlick is 
 as crazy as a loon. Thare's Bichurd the Three peple think 
 heze grate things, but I look upon him in the lite of a monk- 
 ster. He kills everybody he takes a noshun to in kold blud, 
 and then goze to sleep in his tent. Bimeby he wakes up and 
 yells for a hoss so he kan go orf and kill sum more peple. If . 
 he isent a fit spesserman for the gallers then I shood like to 
 know whare you find um. Thare's largo who is more ornery 
 nor pizun. See how shamful he treated that hily respecterble 
 injun gentlemun, Mister Otheller, makin him for to beleeve his 
 wife was too thick with Casheo. Obsarve how largo got 
 Casheo drunk as a biled owl on corn whiskey in order to karry 
 out his sneekin desines. See how he wurks Mister Otheller's 
 feelins up so that he goze and makes poor Desdemony swaller 
 a piller which cawses her deth. But I must stop. At sum 
 futur time I shall continner my remarks on the dramer in 
 which I shall show the varst supeeriority of wax figgers and 
 snakes Dver theater plays, in a interlectooal pint of view. 
 
 Very Respectively yures, 
 
 A. Wakd, T. K 
 
AMONG THE FREE LOVERS. 57 
 
 AMONG THE FREE LOVERS.* 
 
 Some years ago I pitched my tent and onfurled my banner 
 to the breeze, in Berlin Hites, Ohio. I had hearn that Berlin 
 Hites was ockepied by a extensive seek called Free Lovers, 
 who beleeved in affinertys and sich, goin back on their domes- 
 tic ties without no hesitation whatsomever. They was like- 
 wise spirit rappers and high presher reformers on gineral prin- 
 ciples. If I can improve these 'ere misgided peple by showin 
 them my onparalleld show at the usual low price of admitants, 
 methunk, I shall not hav lived in vane. But bitterly did I 
 cuss the day I ever sot foot in the retchid place. I sot up my 
 tent in a field near the Love Cure, as they called it, and bimeby 
 the free lovers begun for to congregate around the door. A 
 ornreer set I have never sawn. The men's faces was all cov- 
 ered with hare and they lookt half-starved to deth. They 
 didn't wear no weskuts for the purpose (as they sed) of allowin 
 the free air of hevun to blow onto their boozums. Their pock- 
 ets was filled with tracks and pamplits and they was bare-footed. 
 They sed the Postles didn't wear boots, & why should they ? 
 That was their stile of argyment. The wimin was wuss than 
 the men. They wore trowsis, short gownds, straw hats with 
 green ribbins, and all carried bloo cotton umbrellers. 
 
 Presently a perfeckly orful lookin female presented herself 
 at the door. Her gownd was skanderlusly short and her trow- 
 sis wai, shameful to behold. 
 
 She eyed me over very sharp, and then startin back she sed, 
 in a wild voice : 
 
 "Ah, can it be?" 
 
 " Which ? " sed I. 
 
 * Some queer people, calling themselves "Free Lovers," and possessing veryorigina. 
 Ideas about life and morality, established themselves at Berlin Heights, in Ohio, a fe^f 
 years since. Public opinion was resistlessly against them, however, and the association 
 was soon disbanded, 
 
 3* 
 
68 AMONG THE FREE LOVERS. 
 
 " Yes, 'tis troo, 'tis troo ! " 
 
 "15 cents, marm," I anserd. 
 
 She bust out a cryin & sed • 
 
 {i And so I hav found you at larst — at larst, O at larst ! " 
 
 " Yes," I anserd, " you hav found me at larst, and you would 
 hav found me at fust, if you had cum sooner." 
 
 She grabd me vilently by the coat collar, and brandishin her 
 umbreller wildly round, exclaimed : 
 
 " Air you a man ? " 
 
 Sez I, li I think I air, but if you doubt it, you can address 
 Mrs. A. Ward, Baldinsville, Injianny, postage pade, & she will 
 probly giv you the desired informashun." 
 
 " Then thou ist what the cold world calls marrid ? " 
 
 "Madam, I istest ! " 
 
 The exsentric female then clutched me franticly by the 
 arm and hollered : 
 
 " You air mine, O you air mine ! " 
 
 " Scacely," I sed, endeverin to git loose from her. But she 
 slung to me and sed : 
 
 " You air my Amnerty ! " 
 
 " What upon arth is that ? " I shouted. 
 
 " Dost thou not know ? " 
 
 " No, I dostent ! " 
 
 " Listin man, & I'll tell ye ! " sed the strange female ; " for 
 years I hav yearned for thee. I knowd thou wast in the 
 world, sumwhares, tho I didn't know whare. My hart sed he 
 would cum and I took courage. He has cum — he's here — 
 you air him — you air my Amnerty ! O 'tis too mutch ! too 
 mutch ! " and she sobbed agin. 
 
 " Yes," I anserd, " I think it is a darn site too mutch ! " 
 
 " Hast thou not yearned for me ? " she yelled, ringin her 
 hand*? like a female play acter. 
 
 " Not a yearn ! " I bellerd at the top of my voice, throwin 
 her away from me. 
 
 The free to vers who was standin ro;nd obsarvin the scene 
 
A VISIT TO BRIOHAM YOUNG. 59 
 
 sommenst for to holler f shame ! " ({ beast," etsettery, etset* 
 tery. 
 
 I was very mutch riled, and fortifyin myself with a spara 
 tent stake, I addrest them as follers : " You pussylanermua 
 critters, go way from me and take this retchid woman with 
 you. I'm a law-abidin man, and beleeve in good, old-fashioned 
 institutions. I am marrid & my orfsprings resemble me if I 
 am I showman ! I think your Affinity bizniss is cussed non- 
 cents, besides bein outrajusly wicked. Why don't you behave 
 desunt like other folks ? Go to work and earn a honist livin 
 ind not stay round here in this lazy, shiftless way, pizenin the 
 moral atmosphere with your pestifrous idees! You wimin 
 folks go back to your lawful husbands if you've got any, and 
 take orf them skanderlous gownds and trowsis, and dress re- 
 spectful like other wimin. You men folks, cut orf them pirat- 
 tercal whiskers, burn up them infurnel pamplits, put sum wes- 
 kuts on, go to work choppin wood, splittin fence rales, or tillin 
 the sile. I pored 4th my indignashun in this way till I got out 
 of breth, when I stopt. I shant go to Berlin Hites agin, not 
 if I live to be as old as Methooseler. 
 
 A VISIT TO BRIGHAM YOUNG. 
 
 It is now goin on 2 (too) yeres, as I very well remember, 
 since I crossed the Planes for Kaliforny, the Brite land of 
 Jold. While crossin the Planes all so bold I fell in with sum 
 noble red men of the forest (1ST. B. This is rote Sarcas- 
 ticul. Injins is Pizin, whar ever found,) which thay Sed I 
 was their Brother, & wanted for to smoke the Calomel of Peace 
 with me. Thay then stole my jerkt beef, blankits, etsettery, 
 Bkalpt my orgin grinder & scooted with a Wild Hoop. Durin 
 the Cheafs techin speech he sed he shood meet me in the 
 
60 A VISIT TO BBIGHAM YOUNG. 
 
 Happy Huntin Grounds. If he duz thare will be a fite. Bui 
 enuff of this ere. Heven JN~oose Muttons, as our skoolmaster, 
 who has got Talent into him, cussycally obsarve. 
 
 I arrove at Salt Lake in doo time. At Camp Scott there 
 was a lot of U. S. sogers, hosstensibly sent out thare to smash 
 the mormons but really to eat Salt vittles & play poker & other 
 beautiful but sumwhat onsartin games. I got acquainted with 
 sum of the officers. Thay lookt putty scrumpshus in their 
 Bloo coats with brass buttings onto um & ware very talented 
 drinkers, but so fur as fitin is consarned I'd willingly put my 
 wax figgers agin the hull party. 
 
 My desire was to exhibit my grate show in Salt Lake City, 
 so I called on Brigham Yung, the grate mogull amung the 
 mormins, and axed his permishun to pitch my tent and onfurl 
 my banner to the jentle breezis. He lookt at me in a austeer 
 manner for a few minits, and sed : 
 
 il Do you bleeve in Solomon, Saint Paul, the immaculate- 
 ness of the Mormin Church and the Latter-day Bevela* 
 shuns ? " 
 
 Sez I, "I'm on it! " I make it a pint to git along plesunt, 
 tho I didn't know what under the Son the old feller was drivin 
 at. He sed I mite show. 
 
 a You air a marrid man, Mister Yung, I bleeve ? " sez I, 
 preparin to rite him sum free parsis. 
 
 " I hev eighty wives, Mister Ward. I sertinly am marrid." 
 
 " How do you like it as far as you hev got ? " sed I. 
 
 He sed " raiddlin," and axed me wouldn't I like to see his 
 famerly, to which I replide that I wouldn't mind minglin with 
 the fair Seek & Barskin in the winnin smiles of his interestin 
 wives. He accordingly tuk me to his Scareum. The house is 
 powerful big & in a exceedin large room was his wives <fe 
 children, which larst was squawkin and hollerin enuff to take 
 the roof rite orf the house. The wimin was of all sizes and 
 ages. Sum was pretty & sum was Plane — sum was helthy 
 and sum was on the Wayne — which is verses, tho sich was 
 not my intentions, as I don't 'prove of j uttin verses in Proze 
 
A VISIT TO BRIGHAM YOUNG. 61 
 
 rittins, tho ef occashun requires I can Jerk a Poim ekal to any 
 of them Atlantic Munthly fellers. 
 
 " My wives, Mister Ward," sed Yung. 
 
 '* Your sarvant, marms," sed I, as I sot down in a cheer which 
 a red-heded female brawt me. 
 
 "Besides these wives you see here, Mister "Ward," sed 
 Yung, " I hav eighty more in varis parts of this consecrated 
 land which air Sealed to me." 
 
 '* Which ? " sez I, gittin up & starin at him. 
 
 " Sealed, Sir ! sealed." 
 
 " Whare bowts ? " sez I. 
 
 " I sed, Sir, that they was sealed ! " He spoke in a traggerdy 
 voice. 
 
 " Will they probly continner on in that stile to any grate 
 extent, Sir ? " I axed. 
 
 " Sir," sed he, turnin as red as a biled beet, " don't you 
 know that the rules of our Church is that I, the Profit, may 
 hev as meny wives as I wants ? " 
 
 " Jes so," I sed. " You are old pie, ain't you ? " 
 
 <l Them as is Sealed to me — that is to say, to be mine when 
 I wants um — air at present my sperretooul wives," sed Mis- 
 ter Yung. 
 
 " Long may thay wave ! " sez I, seein I shood git into a 
 scrape ef I didn't look out. 
 
 In a privit conversashun with Brigham I learnt the follerin 
 fax : It takes him six weeks to kiss his wives. He don't do 
 it only onct a yere & sez it is wuss nor cleanin house. He 
 don't pretend to know his children, thare is so many of um, 
 tho they all know him. He sez about every child he meats 
 call him Par, & he takes it for grantid it is so. His wives air 
 very expensiv. Thay allers want suthin & ef he don't buy it 
 for um thay set the house in a uproar. He sez he don't have 
 a minit's peace. His wives fite aiming theirselves so much 
 that he has bilt a fitin room for thare speshul benefit, & when 
 too of 'em get into a row he has em turnd loose into that 
 place, whare the dispoot is settled accordin to the rules of the 
 
62 A VISIT TO BBIQHAM YOUNG. 
 
 London piize ring. Sumtimes thay abooz hisself individ 
 ooally. Thay hev pulled the most of his hair out at the roots 
 & he wares meny a horrible scar upon his body, inflicted with 
 mop-handles, broom-sticks, and sich. Occashunly they git mad 
 & scald him with bilin hot water. When he got eny waze 
 cranky thay'd shut him up in a dark closit, previsly whippin 
 him arter the stile of muthers when thare orfsprings git onruly. 
 Sumtimes when he went in swimmin thay'd go to the banks of 
 the Lake & steal all his close, thereby compellin him to sneet 
 home by a sircootius rowt, drest in the Skanderlus stile of tha 
 Greek Slaiv. u I find that the keers of a marrid life way hevy 
 onto me," sed the Profit, " & sumtimes I wish I'd remaned 
 singel." I left the Profit and startid for the tavern whare I 
 put up to. On my way I was overtuk by a lurge krowd of 
 Mormons, which they surroundid me & statid that they were 
 goin into the Show free. 
 
 u Wall," sez I, "ef I find a individooal who is goin round 
 lettin folks into his show free, I'll let you know." 
 
 « We've had a Revelashun biddin us go into A. Ward's 
 Show without payin nothin ! " thay showtid. 
 
 li Yes," hollered a lot of femaile Mormonesses, ceasin me by 
 the cote tales & swingin me round very rapid, " we're all goin 
 in free ! So sez the Revelashun ! " 
 
 " What's Old Revelashun got to do with my show ? " sez I, 
 gittin putty rily. " Tell Mister Revelashun," sed I, drawin 
 myself up to my full hite and lookin round upon the ornery 
 krowd with a prowd & defiant mean, " tell Mister Revelashun 
 to mind his own bizness, subject only to the Konstitushun of 
 the United States ! " 
 
 " Oh now let us in, that's a sweet man," sed several femails, 
 puttin thare arms round me in luvin style. " Become 1 of us. 
 Becum a Preest &, hav wives Sealed to you." 
 
 " Not a Seal ! " sez I, startin back in horror at the idee. 
 
 " Oh stay, Sir, stay," sed a tall, gawnt femaile, ore whoosr 
 hed 37 sunimirs must hev parsd, " stay, & I'll be your Jentle 
 Gaselle." 
 
THE PRESS 63 
 
 " Not ef I know it, you won't," sez I. " Awa you skander- 
 lus femaile, awa ! Go & and be a Nunnery ! " That's what 1 
 sed, jes so. 
 
 " & I," sed a fat chunky femaile, who must hev wade more 
 than too hundred lbs., " I will be your sweet gidin Star ! " 
 
 Sez I," (( He bet two dollers and a half you won't ! " Wharo 
 ear I may Home He still be troo 2 thee, Oh Betsy Jane ! I JN . 
 B Betsy Jane is my wife's Sir naime.] 
 
 " Wiltist thou not tarry here in the promist Land ? " sed 
 several of the miserabil critters. 
 
 " He see you all essenshally cussed be 4 I wiltist ! " roared 
 I, as mad as I cood be at thare infernul noncents. I girdid up 
 my Lions & fled the Seen. I packt up my duds & Left Salt 
 Lake, which is a 2nd Soddum & Germorrer, inhabitid by as 
 theavin & onprincipled a set of retchis as ever drew Breth in 
 eny spot on the Globe. 
 
 THE PRESS. 
 
 I want the editers to cum to my Show free as the flours of 
 May, but I don't want urn to ride a free hoss to deth. Thare 
 is times when Patience seizes to be virtoous. I hev li in my 
 mind's eye, Hurrashio " (cotashun from Hamlick) sum editers 
 in a sertin town which shall be nameless, who air Both sneakin 
 and ornery. They cum in krowds to my Show and then axt 
 me ten sents a lines for Puffs. I objectid to payin, but they sed 
 ef I didn't down with the dust thay'd wipe my Show from the 
 face of the earth ! Thay sed the Press was the Arkymedian 
 Leaver which moved the wurld. I put up to their extorshuna 
 until thay'd bled me so I was a meer shadder, and left in dis- 
 gust. 
 
 It was in a surtin town in Virginny, the Muther of Presi- 
 dents <fe things, that I was shaimfully aboozed by a editor i* 
 
64 EDWIN FORREST AS OTHELLO. 
 
 human form. He set my Show up steep & kalled me the ur- 
 bane & gentlemunly manajer, but when I, fur the purpuss of 
 showin fair play all around, went to anuther offiss to git my 
 handbills printed, what duz this pussillanermus editer do but 
 change his toon & abooze me like a Injun. He sed my wax 
 ivurks was a humbug & called me a horey-heded itinerent 
 vagabone. I thort at fust Ide pollish him orf ar-lar the Be- 
 neshy Boy, but on renectin that he cood pollish me much wuss 
 in his paper, I giv it up. & I wood here take occashun to 
 advise peple when thay run agin, as thay sumtimes will, these 
 miserable papers, to not pay no attenshun to um. Abuv all, 
 don't assault a editer of this kind. It only gives him a noto- 
 rosity, which is jest what he wants, & don't do you no more 
 good than it wood to jump into enny other mud puddle. Edi- 
 ters are generally fine men, but there must be black sheep in 
 every flock. 
 
 EDWIN FORREST AS OTHELLO. 
 
 Dubin a recent visit to New York the undersined went to 
 see Edwin Forrest. As I'm into the moral show bizness my- 
 self, I ginrally go to Barnum's moral Museum, where only 
 moral peple air admitted, partickly on Wednesday arternoons. 
 But this time I thot I'd go & see Ed. Ed has bin actin out on 
 the stage for many years. There is varis 'pinions about his 
 actin, Englishmen ginrally bleevin that he is far superior to 
 Mister Macready ; but on one pint all agree, & that is that Ed 
 draws like a six ox team. Ed was actin at Niblo's Garding, 
 which looks considerable more like a parster than a garding, 
 but let that pars. I sot down in the pit, took out my specta- 
 cles & commenced peroosin the evenin's bill. The awjince was 
 all -fired large & the boxes was full of the elitty of New York. 
 Several opery glasses was leveld at me by Gothum's farest dar 
 
^ a* A 
 
 ^\ 
 
 
 "Fair Youth, i>o you know vvttot I'd do with you if tot 
 as my sun?" [See Page 65.] 
 
EDWIN F0BRE8T AS OTHELLO. 05 
 
 fcers, but I didn't let on as tho I noticed it, tho mebbj I did 
 take out my sixteen-dollar silver watch & brandish it round 
 more than was necessary. But the best of us has our weak- 
 nesses & if a man has gewelry let him show it. As I waa 
 peroosin the bill a grave young man who sot near me axed me 
 if I'd ever seen Forrest dance the Essence of Old Virginny ? 
 u He's immense in that," sed the young man. " He also 
 does a fair champion jig," the young man continnerd, "but his 
 Big Thing is the Essence of Old Virginny." Sez I, " Eair 
 youth, do you know what I'd do with you if you was my sun ? " 
 
 "No," sez he. 
 
 " Wall," sez I, " I'd appint your funeral to-morrow arter- 
 noon, & the korps should be ready ! You're too smart to live 
 on this yearth." He didn't try any more of his capers on 
 me. But another pussylanermuss individooul, in a red vest 
 & patent lether boots, told me his name was Bill Astor & axed 
 me to lend him 50 cents till early in the mornin. I told him 
 I'd probly send it round to him before he retired to his vir- 
 toous couch, but if I didn't he might look for it next fall, as 
 soon as I cut my corn. The Orchestry was now fiddling with 
 all their might, & as the peple didn't understan anything about 
 it they applaudid versifrussly. Presently, Old Ed cum out. 
 The play was Otheller or More of Yeniss. Otheller was writ 
 by Wm. Shakspeer. The scene is laid in Yeniss. Otheller 
 was a likely man & was a ginral in the Yeniss army. Ho 
 eloped with Desdemony, a darter of the Hon. Mister Braban-. 
 tio, who represented one of the back districks in the Vene- 
 Bhun legislater. Old Brabantio was as mad as thunder at this 
 & tore round considerable, but finally cooled down, tellin 
 Otheller, howsever, that Desdemony had come it over her Par, 
 &: tha he had better look out or she'd come it over him like- 
 wise . Mr. & Mrs. Otheller git along very comfortable like for 
 a spell. She is sweet-tempered and luvin — a nice, sensible 
 female, never goin in for he-female conventions, green cotton 
 umbrellers, and pickled beats. Otheller is a good provider 
 and thinks all the world of his wife. She has a lazy time of 
 
66 EDWIN FORREST AS OTHELLO. 
 
 it, the hired girl doin all the cookin and washin. Desdemony, 
 in fact, don't have to git the water to wash her own hands 
 with. But a low cuss named Iago, who I bleeve wants to git 
 Otheller out of his snug government birth, now goes to work 
 & upsets the Otheller family in the most outrajus stile. Iago 
 falls in with a brainless youth named Roderigo & wins all his 
 money at poker. (Iago allers played foul.) He thus got 
 money enuff to carry out his onprincipled skeem. Mike 
 Cassio, a Irishman, is selected as a tool by Iago. Mike was a 
 clever feller & orficer in Otheller's army. He liked his tods 
 too well, howsever, & they floored him, as they have many 
 other promisin young men. Iago injuces Mike to drink with 
 him, Iago slyly thro win his whiskey over his shoulder. Mike 
 gits as drunk as a biled owl & allows that he can lick a yard 
 full of the Yeneshun fancy before breakfast, without sweatin a 
 hair. He meets Koderigo & proceeds for to smash him. A 
 feller named Montano undertakes to slap Cassio, when that in- 
 fatooated person runs his sword into him. That miserble 
 man, Iago, pretents to be very sorry to see Mike conduck 
 hisself in this way, & undertakes to smooth the thing over to 
 Otheller, who rushes in with a drawn sword & wants to know 
 what's up. Iago cunninly tells his story, & Otheller tells Mike 
 that he thinks a good deal of him, but he can't train no more 
 in his regiment. Desdemony sympathises with poor Mike & 
 interceeds for him with Otheller. Iago makes him bleeve she 
 does this because she thinks more of Mike than she does of 
 hisself. Otheller swailers Iago's lyin tail & goes to makin a 
 noosence of hisself ginrally. He worries poor Desdemony 
 terrible by his vile insinuations, & finally smothers her to deth 
 with a piller. Mrs. Iago cums in just as Otheller has finished 
 (he fowl deed & givs him fits right & left, showin him that he 
 has bin orfully gulled by her miserble cuss of a husband. 
 Iago cums in, & his wife commences rakin him down also, 
 when he stabs her. Otheller jaws him a spell & then cuts a 
 small hole in his stummick with his sword. Iago pints to 
 Dtsdemony's deth bed & goes orf with a sardonic smile onto 
 
SHOW BUSINESS AND POPULAR LECTURES 67 
 
 his countenance. Otheller tells the peple that he has dun the 
 state sum service & they know it ; axes them to do as fair a 
 thing as they can for him under the circumstances, & kills his- 
 self with a fish-knife, which is the most sensible thing he can 
 do. This is a breef skedule of the synopsis of the play. 
 
 Edwin Forrest is a grate acter. I thot I saw Otheller te- 
 fore me all the time he was actin, & when the curtin fell, I 
 found my spectacles was still mistened with salt-water, which 
 had run from my eyes while poor Desdemony was dyin. 
 Betsy Jane — Betsy Jane ! let us pray that our domestio 
 bliss may never be busted up by a Iago ! 
 
 Edwin Forrest makes money actin out on the stage. He 
 gits five-hundred dollars a nite & his board & washin. I wish 
 T had such a Forrest in my Garding ! 
 
 THE SHOW BUSINESS AND POPULAR LECTUKES. 
 
 I feel that the Show Bizniss, which Ive stroven to orny- 
 ment, is bein usurpt by Poplar Lecturs, as thay air kalled, tho 
 in my pinion thay air poplar humbugs. Individoouls, who git 
 hard up, embark in the lecturin biznis. They cram their- 
 lelves with hi-soundin frazis, frizzle up their hare, git trustid 
 for a soot of black close & cum out to lectur at 50 dollers a 
 pop. Thay aint over stockt with branes, but thay hav brass 
 enuff to make suffishunt kittles to bile all the sope that will be 
 required by the ensooin sixteen ginerashuns. Peple flock to 
 heer um in krowds. The men go becawz its poplar & the 
 wimin folks go to see what other wimin folks have on. When 
 its over the lecturer goze & ragales hisself with oysters and 
 sich, while the peple say (i What a charm in lectur that air 
 was," etsettery etsettery, when 9 out of 10 of um don't have 
 qo moore idee of what the lecturer sed than my kangeroo has 
 
68 WtMAJPS BIGHTS. 
 
 of the sevunth speer of hevun. Thare's moore infarmashun 
 to be gut out of a well conductid noospaper — price 3 sents — ■ 
 than thare is out of ten poplar lectures at 25 or 50 dollers a 
 pop, as the kase may be. These same peple, bare in mind, 
 stick up their nosis at moral wax figgers & sagashus beests. 
 Thay say these things is low. Gents, it greeves my hart in my 
 old age, when I'm in "the Sheer & yeller leef " (to cote frum 
 my Irish frend Mister McBeth) to see that the Show biznis ia 
 pritty much plade out ; howsomever I shall chance it agane in 
 the Spring. 
 
 WOMAN'S EIGHTS. 
 
 I pitcht my tent in a small town in Injianny one day last 
 seeson, & while I was standin at the dore takin money, a dep- 
 pytashun of ladies came up & sed they wos members of the 
 Bunkumville Female Reformin & Wimin's Rite's Associashun, 
 and thay axed me if they cood go in without payin. 
 
 " Not exactly," sez I, " but you can pay without goin in." 
 
 "Dew you know who we air? " said one of the wimin — a 
 tall and feroshus lookin critter, with a blew kotton umbreller 
 under her arm — "do you know who we air, Sir ? " 
 
 " My impreshun is," sed I, " from a kersery view, that you 
 air females." 
 
 c ' We air, Sur," said the feroshus woman — " we belong to a 
 Society whiten beleeves wimin has rites — whitch beleeves in 
 razin her to her proper speer — whitch beleeves she is indowed 
 with as much intelleck as man is — w hitch beleeves she is 
 trampled on and aboozed — & who will resist henso4th & for- 
 ever the incroachments of proud & domineering men." 
 
 Durin her discourse, the exsentric female grabed me by the 
 eoat-kollor & was swinging her umbreller wildly over my hed. 
 
 " I hope, marm," sez I, starting back, " that your intension! 
 
WOMAN'S EIGHTS. 69 
 
 is honorable ! I'm a lone man hear in a strange place. Be- 
 sides, Ive a wife to hum." 
 
 " Yes," cried the female, " & she's a slave ! Doth she never 
 dream of freedom — doth she never think of thro win of the 
 yoke of tyrrinny & thinkin & votin for herself? — Doth she 
 never think of these here things ? " 
 
 " Not bein a natral born fool," sed I, by this time a little 
 riled, a I kin safely say that she dothunt." 
 
 " Oh whot — whot ! " screamed the female, swingin her um- 
 breller in the air. c< O, what is the price that woman pays for 
 her expeeriunce ! " 
 
 " I don't know," sez I ; "the price of my show is 15 cents 
 pur individooal." 
 
 " & can't our Sosiety go in free ? " asked the female. 
 
 " Not if I know it," sed I. 
 
 " Crooil, crooil man ! " she cried, & bust into teers. 
 
 " Won't you let my darter in ? " sed anuther of the exsen- 
 tric wimin, taken me afeckshunitely by the hand. " O, please 
 let my darter in, — shee's a sweet gushin child of natur." 
 
 " Let her gush ! " roared I, as mad as I cood stick at their 
 tarnal nonsense ; "let her gush ! " Where upon they all sprung 
 back with the simnltanious observashun that I was a Beest. 
 
 " My female friends," sed, I " be4 you leeve, I've a few re- 
 marks to remark ; wa them well. The female woman is one of 
 the greatest institooshuns of which this land can boste. It's 
 onpossible to get along without her. Had there bin no female 
 wimin in the world, I should scarcely be here with my unpar- 
 aleld show on this very occashun. She is good in sickness — 
 good in wellness — good all the time. O woman, woman ! " I 
 cried, my feelins worked up to a hi poetick pitch, e( you air a 
 angle when you behave yourself; but when you take off your 
 proper appairel & (mettyforically speaken) — get into panty- 
 loons — when you desert your firesides, & with your heds full 
 of wimin's rites noshuns go round like roarin lions, seekin 
 whom you may devour someboddy — in short, when you un- 
 dertake to play the man, you play the devil and air an emfatia 
 
70 THE PRINCE OF WALES. 
 
 noosance. My female friends," I continnered, as they were i» 
 dignantly departin, {( wa well what A. Ward has sed ! " 
 
 THE PRINCE OF WALES. 
 
 To my friends of the Editorial Corpse : 
 
 I kite these lines on British sile. I've bin follerin Mrs. Yic 
 tory's hopeful sun Albert Edward threw Kanady with my on« 
 paraleled Show, and tho I haint made much in a pecoonary pint 
 of vew, I've lernt sumthin new, over hear on British Sile, whare 
 they bleeve in Saint Gorge and the Dragoon. Previs to cumin 
 over hear I tawt my organist how to grind Rule Brittanny and 
 other airs which is poplar on British Sile. I likewise fixt a 
 wax figger up to represent Sir Edmun Hed the Govner Ginral. 
 The statoot I fixt up is the most versytile wax statoot I ever 
 saw. I've showd it as Wm. Penn, Napoleon Bonypart, Juke 
 of Wellington, the Beneker Boy, Mrs. Cunningham & varis 
 other notid persons, & also for a sertin pirut named Hix. I've 
 bin so long amung wax statoots that I can fix 'em up to soot 
 the tastes of folks, & with sum paints I hav I kin giv their 
 facis a beneverlent or fiendish look as the kase requires. I 
 giv Sir Edmun Hed a beneverlent look, & when sum folks who 
 thawt they was smart sed it didn't look like Sir Edmun Hed 
 anymore than it did anybody else, I sed, " That's the pint. 
 That's the beauty of the Statoot. It looks like Sir Edmun 
 Hed or any other man. You may kail it what you pleese. Ef 
 it don't look like anybody that ever lived, then it's sertinly a 
 remarkable Statoot & well worth seein. J kail it Sir Edmun 
 Hed. You may kail it what you pleese ! " [I had 'em thare.] 
 
 At larst I've had a interview with the Prince, tho it putty 
 nigh cost me my vallerble life. I cawt a glimps of him as he 
 sot on the Pizarro of the hotel in Sarnia, & elbowd myself 
 
TEE PRINLE OF WALES. 71 
 
 threw a crowd of wimin, children, sojers & Injins that was 
 uangin round the tavern. I was drawin near to the Prince 
 when a red-faced man in Millingtery close grabd holt of m« 
 and axed me whare I was goin all so bold ? 
 
 " To see Albert Edard the Prince of Wales," sez I ; u who 
 I « you ? " 
 
 lie sed he was the Kurnel of the Seventy Fust Regiment, 
 fler Magisty's troops. I told him I hoped the Seventy One- 
 liters was in good helth, and was passin by when he ceased hold 
 of me agin, and sed in a tone of indigent cirprise : 
 
 " What ? Impossible ! It kannot be ! Blarst my hize, sir, 
 did I understan you to say that you was actooally goin into the 
 presents of his Royal Iniss ? " 
 
 " That's what's the matter with me," I replide. 
 
 " But blarst my hize, sir, its onprecedented. It's orful, sir. 
 Nothin' like it hain't happened sins the Gun Power Plot ot 
 Guy Porks. Owdashus man, who air yu ? " 
 
 " Sir," sez I, drawin myself up & puttin on a defiant air, 
 " I'm a Amerycan sitterzen. My name is Ward. I'm a hus- 
 band & the father of twins, which I'm happy to state thay look 
 like me. By perfeshun I'm a exhibiter of wax works & sich." 
 
 * Good God ! " yelled the Kurnal, " the idee of a exhibiter 
 of wax figgers goin into the presents of Royalty ! The British 
 Lion may well roar with raje at the thawt ! " 
 
 Sez I, " Speakin of the British Lion, Kurnal, I'd like to make 
 a bargin with you fur that beast fur a few weeks to add to my 
 Show." I didn't meen nothin by this. I was only gettin orf 
 a goak, but you orter hev seen the OM Kurnal jump up & 
 Lowl. He actooally fomed at the mowth. 
 
 " This can't be real," he showtid. " No, no. It's a horrid 
 dream. Sir, you air not a human bein — you hav no existenta 
 — yure a Myth ! " 
 
 " Wall," sez I, " old hoss, yule find me a ruther onkomforta- 
 ble Myth ef you punch my inards in that way agin." I began 
 to git a little riled, fur when he called me a Myth he puncht 
 me putty hard. The Kurnal now commenst showtin fur the 
 
72 THE PRINCE OF WALES. 
 
 Seventy Onesters. I at fust thawt I'd stay & becum a Martei 
 to British Outraje, as sich a course mite git my name up & be 
 a good advertisement fur my Show, but it occurred to me chat 
 ef enny of the Seventy Onesters shood happen tc insert a bar- 
 ronet into my stummick it mite be onplesunt, & £ was on the 
 pint of runnin orf when the Prince hisself kum up & fixed me 
 what the matter was. Sez I, " Albert Edard, is that you ? " 
 & he smilt & sed it was. Sez I, " Albert Edard, hears my 
 keerd. I cum to pay my respecks to the futer King of Ingland. 
 The Kurnal of the Seventy Onesters hear is ruther smawl per- 
 taters, but of course you ain't to blame fur that. He puts 
 on as many airs as tho he was the Bully Boy with the glasa 
 eye." 
 
 " Never mind," sez Albert Edard, " I'm glad to see you, 
 Mister Ward, at all events," & he tuk my hand so plesunt like 
 & larfed so sweet that I fell in love with him to onct. He 
 handid me a segar & we sot down on the Pizarro & commenst 
 Bmokin rite cheerful. iC Wall," sez I, " Albert Edard, how's 
 the old folks?" 
 
 "Her Majesty & the Prince are well," he sed. 
 
 ce Duz the old man take his Lager beer reglar ? " I inquired. 
 
 The Prince larfed & intermatid that the old man didn't let 
 many kegs of that bevridge spile in the sellar in the coarse of 
 a year. We sot & tawked there sum time abowt matters & 
 things, & bimeby I axed him how he liked bein Prince as fur 
 as he'd got. 
 
 " To speak plain, Mister Ward," he sed, " I don't much like 
 it. I'm sick of all this bowin & scrapin & crawlin & hurrain 
 over a boy like me. I would rather go through the country 
 quietly & enjoy myself in my own way, with the other boys, & 
 act be made a Show of to be gaped at by everybody. When 
 tho pepU cheer me I feel pleesed, fur I know they meen it ; but 
 if these one-horse offishuls cood know how I see threw all theii 
 moves & under stan exackly what taey air after, & knowd ho-w 
 L larft at 'em in private, thayd stop kissin my hands & fawnin 
 over me as thay now do. Bu L . you know, Mr., Ward, I can't 
 
THE PRINCE OF WALES. 73 
 
 help bein a Prince, & I must do all I kin to fit myself fur the 
 persishun I must sumtime ockepy." 
 
 "That's troo," sez I ; " sickness and the docters wiU'carry 
 the Queen orf one of these dase sure's, yer born." 
 
 The time hevin arove fur me to take my departer I rose up 
 & sed : " Albert Edard, I must go, but previs to doin so I 
 frill obsarve that you soot me. Yure a good feller Albert Ed- 
 ard, & tho I'm agin Princes as a gineral thing, I must say 
 I like the cut of your Gib. When you git to be King try and 
 Ira as good a man as yure muther has bin ! Be just & be Jen- 
 erus, espeshully to showmen, who hav allers bin aboozed sins 
 the dase of Noah, who was the fust man to go into the Menag- 
 ery bizniss, & ef the daily papers of his time air to be beleeved 
 Noah's colleckshun of livin wild beests beet ennything ever 
 seen sins, tho I make bold to dowt ef his snaiks was ahead of 
 mine. Albert Edard, adoo ! " I tuk his hand which he shook 
 warmly, & givin him a perpetooal free pars to my show, & also 
 parses to take hum for the Queen & Old Albert, I put on my 
 hat and walkt away. 
 
 " Mrs. Ward," I solilerquized, as I walkt along, " Mrs. 
 Ward, ef you could see your husband now, just as he prowdly 
 emerjis from the presunts of the futur King of Ingland, you'd 
 be sorry you called him a Beest jest becaws he cum home tired 
 1 nite and wantid to go to bed without takin orf his boots. 
 You'd be sorry for tryin to deprive yure husband of the price- 
 liss Boon of liberty, Betsy Jane ! " 
 
 Jest then I met a long perseshun of men with gownds onto 
 'em. The leader was on horseback^ & riclin up to me he sed, 
 " Air you Orange ? " 
 
 Sez I, "Which?" 
 
 " Air you a Orangeman ? " he repeated, sternly. * 
 
 "I used to peddle lemins," sed I, "but I never delt in 
 oranges. They are apt to spile on yure hands. What particler 
 Loonatic Asylum hev you & yure frends escaped frum, ef I 
 may be so bold ? " Just then a suddent thawt struck me & X 
 sed, " Oh yure the fellers who air worryin the Prince so & 
 4 
 
74 088AWAT0MIE BROWN. 
 
 givin the Juke of Noocastle cold sweats at nite, by yuri; infer- 
 nal catawalins, air you ? Wall, take the advice of a A mery- 
 kin sitterzen, take orf them gownds & don't try to get up a 
 religious fite, which is 40 times wuss nor a prize fite, over 
 Albert Edard, who wants to receive you all on a ekal footin, 
 not keerin a tinker's cuss what meetin house you sleep in Sun- 
 days. Go home and mind yure bisness & not make noosensea 
 of yourselves." With which observashuns I left 'em. 
 I shall leeve British sile 4thwith. 
 
 OSSAWATOMIE BROWN. 
 
 I don't portend to be a cricket & consekently the reader will 
 not regard this 'ere peace as a Cricketcism. I cimply desine 
 givin the pints & Plot of a play I saw actid out at the theater 
 t'other nite, called Ossywattermy Brown or the Hero of Harp- 
 er's Ferry. Ossywattermy had varis failins, one of which was 
 a idee that he cood conker Yirginny with a few duzzen loon- 
 atics which he had pickt up sumwhares, mercy only nose wher. 
 He didn't cum it, as the sekel showed. This play was jerkt 
 by a admirer of Old Ossywattermy. 
 
 First akt opens at North Elby, Old Brown's humsted. 
 Thare's a weddin at the house. Amely, Old Brown's darter, 
 marrys sumbody, and they all whirl in the Messy darnce. 
 Then Ossywattermy and his 3 sons leave fur Kansis. Old 
 Mrs. Ossywattermy tells 'em thay air goin on a long jurny & 
 Blesses 'em to slow fiddlin. Thay go to Kansis. What upon 
 arth thay go to Kansis fur when thay was so nice & comfortable 
 down there to North Elby, is more'n I know. The suns air 
 next seen in Kansis at a fcarvern. Mister Blane, a sinister 
 lookin man with his Belt full of knives & hoss pistils, axes one 
 of the Browns to take a drink. Brown refuzia, which is the 
 
OSSA W. 1 rOMIE BRO WN. 75 
 
 fust instance on record whar a Brown deklined sich a invite. 
 Mister Blane, who is a dark bearded feroshus look in person, 
 then axis him whether he's fur or fernenst Slavery. Yun» 
 Brown sez he's agin it, whareupon Mister Blane, who is the 
 most sinisterest lookin man I ever saw, sez Har, har, har ! 
 (that bein his stile of larfin wildly) & ups & sticks a knife into 
 yung Brown. Anuther Brown rushes up & sez, " you haa 
 killed me Ber-ruther ! " Moosic by the Band & Seen changes. 
 The stuck yung Brown enters supported by his two brothers. 
 Bimeby he falls down, sez he sees his Mother, & dies. Moo- 
 sic by the Band. I lookt but couldn't see any mother. Next 
 Seen reveels Old Brown's cabin. He's readin a book. He 
 sez freedum must extend its Area & rubs his hands like ho 
 was pleesed abowt it. His suns come in. One of 'em goes out 
 & cums in ded, havin bin shot while out by a Border Ruffin. 
 The ded yung Brown sez he sees his mother and tumbles down. 
 The Border Buffins then surround the cabin & set it a fire. 
 The Browns giv theirselves up for gone coons, when the hired 
 gal diskivers a trap door to the cabin & thay go down threw 
 it & cum up threw the bulkhed. Their merraklis 'scape reminds 
 me of the 'scape of De Jones, the Coarsehair of the Gulf — a 
 tail with a yaller kiver, that I onct red. For sixteen years he 
 was confined in a loathsum dunjin, not tastin of food durin all 
 that time. When a lucky thawt struck him ! He opend the 
 winder and got out. To resoom — Old Brown rushes down 
 to the footlites, gits down on his nees & swares he'll hav re- 
 venge. The battle of Ossawatermy takes place. Old Brown 
 kills Mister Blane, the sinister individooal aforesed. Mister 
 Blane makes a able & elerquent speech, sez he don't see his 
 mother much, and dies likes the son of a gentleman, rapt up in 
 the Star Spangled banner. Moosic by the Band. Four or 
 five other Border rufiins air killed, but thay don't say nothin 
 abowt seein their mothers. From Kansis to Harper's Ferry. 
 Picter of a Arsenal is represented. Sojers cum & fire at it. 
 Old Brown cums out & permits hisself to be shot. He is trido 
 by two soops in milingtery close, and sentenced to be hung on 
 
76 JOT IN THE HOUSE OF WABD. 
 
 f he gaLus. Tabloo — Old Brown on a platform, pintin upards 
 the staige lited up with red fire. Goddiss of Liberty also on 
 platform, pintin upards. A dutchman in the orkestry warbles 
 on a base drum. Curtin falls. Moosic by the Band. 
 
 JOY 1ST THE HOUSE OF WARD. 
 
 Dear Sirs : 
 
 I take my pen in hand to inform you that I am in a state 
 of grate bliss, and trust these lines will find you injoyin the 
 same blessins. I'm reguvinated. I've found the immortal 
 waters of yooth, so to speak, and am as limber and frisky as a 
 two-year-old steer, and in the futur them boys which sez to me 
 1 i go up, old Bawld hed," will, do so at the peril of their hazard, 
 individooally. I'm very happy. My house is full of joy, and 
 I have to git up nights and larf ! Sumtimes I ax myself u ia 
 it not a dream ? " & suthin withinto me sez " it air ; " but 
 when I look at them sweet little critters and hear 'em squawk, 
 I know it is a reality — 2 realitys, I may say — and I feel 
 
 gay- 
 
 I returnd from the Summer Campane with my unparaleld 
 show of wax works and livin wild Beests of Pray in the early 
 part of this munth. The peple of Baldinsville met me cordully 
 and I immejitly commenst restin myself with my famerly. 
 The other nite while I was down to the tavurn tostin my shins 
 agin the bar room fire & amuzin the krowd with sum of my 
 alventurs, who shood cum in bare heded & terrible excited but 
 Bill Stokes, who sez, sez he, " Old Ward, there's grate doina 
 up to your house." 
 
 Sez I, " William, how so ? " 
 
 Sez he, i( Bust my gizzud, but its grate doins," & then h« 
 varfed as if hee'd kill hisself. 
 
Twins, marm," sez I, "Twins!" [See Page 77.] 
 
JOT IN THE HOUSE OF WARD. 77 
 
 Sez I, risin and puttin on a austeer look, K "William, T wood- 
 ant be a fool if I had common cents." 
 
 But lie kept on larfin till he was black in the face, when he 
 fell over on to the bunk where the hostler sleeps, and in a still 
 small voice sed, "Twins! " I ashure you gents that the grasa 
 didn't grow under my feet on my way home, & I was follered 
 by a enthoosiastic throng of my feller sitterzens, who hurrard 
 for Old Ward at the top of their voises. I found the house 
 chock full of peple. Thare was Mis Square Baxter and her 
 three grown-up darters, lawyer Perkinses wife, Taberthy Rip- 
 ley, young Eben Parsuns, Deakun Simmuns folks, the Skool- 
 master, Doctor Jordin, etsetterry, etsetterry. Mis Ward was 
 in the west room, which jines the kitchin. Mis Square Baxtei 
 was mixin suthin in a dipper before the kitchin fire, & a small 
 army of female wimin were rushin wildly round the house with 
 bottles of camfire, peaces of flannil, &c. I never seed such a 
 hubbub in my natral born dase. I cood not stay in the west 
 room only a minit, so strung up was my feelins, so I rusht out 
 and ceased my dubbel barrild gun. 
 
 " What upon airth ales the man ? " sez Taberthy Ripley. 
 " Sakes alive, what air you doin ? " & she grabd me by the coat- 
 tales. " What's the matter with you ? " she continnerd, 
 
 " Twins, marm," sez I, " twins ! " 
 
 " I know it," sez she, coverin her pretty face with her apun. 
 
 " Wall," sez I, " that's what's the matter with me!" 
 
 " Wall, put down that air gun, you pesky old fool," sed she. 
 
 " No, marm," sez I, " this is a Nashunal day. The glory of 
 this here day isn't confined to Baldinsville by a darn site. On 
 yonder woodshed," sed I, drawin myself up to my full hite and 
 speakin in a show-actin voice, "will I fire a Nashunal saloot ! " 
 sayin whitch I tared myself from her grasp and rusht to the 
 top of the shed whare I blazed away until Square Baxter's 
 hired man and my son Artemus Juneyer cum and took me 
 down by mane force. 
 
 On returnin to the Kitchin I found quite a lot of people 
 Beated be4 the fire, a talkin the event over. They made room 
 
78 JOT Itf THE HOUSE OF WARD. 
 
 for me & I sot down, il Quite a eppisode," sed Docter Jordin, 
 litin his pipe with a red-hot coal. 
 
 " Yes," sed I, " 2 eppisodes, waving abowt 18 pounds jintly." 
 
 " A perfeck coop de tat," sed the skoolmaster. 
 
 " E pluribus unum, in proprietor persony," sed I, th inkin g 
 Pd let him know I understood furrin langwidges as well as ho 
 did, if I wasn't a skoolmaster. 
 
 il It is indeed a momentious event," sed young Eben Parsun^ 
 who has been 2 quarters to the Akademy. 
 
 "I never heard twins called by that name afore," sed I, 
 " but I spose it's all rite." 
 
 " We shall soon have Wards enuff," sed the editer of the 
 Baldinsville Bugle of Liberty ', who was lookin over a bundle- 
 of exchange papers in the corner, e( to apply to the legislater 
 for a City Charter ? " 
 
 " Good for you, old man ! " sed I ; " giv that air a conspickius 
 place in the next Bugle" 
 
 " How redicklus," sed pretty Susan Fletcher, coverin her 
 face with her knittin work & larfin like all possest. 
 
 " Wall, for my part," sed Jane Maria Peasley, who is the 
 crossest old made in the world, " I think you all act like a 
 pack of fools." 
 
 Sez I, " Mis. Peasly, air you a parent ? " 
 
 Sez she, " No, I aint." 
 
 Sez I, " Mis. Peasly, you never will be." 
 
 She left. 
 
 We sot there talkin & larfin until (C the switchin hour of nite, 
 when grave yards yawn & Josts troop 4th," as old Bill Shake- 
 spire aptlee obsarves in his dramy of John Sheppard, esq, or 
 the Moral House Breaker, when we broke up & disbursed. 
 
 Muther & children is a doin well; & as Besolushuns if 
 the order of the day I will feel obleeged if you'll insurt the 
 follerin — 
 
 Whereas, two Eppisodes has happined up to the imdersined's 
 house, which is Twins ; & Whereas I like this stile, sade twins 
 bein of the male perswashun & both boys ; there4 Be it 
 
BOSTON. 79 
 
 Resolved, That to them nabers who did the fare thing by sada 
 Eppisodes my hart felt thanks is doo. 
 
 Resolved, Thrt I do most hartily thank Engine Ko, No. 17, 
 who, under the impreshun from the fuss at my house on that 
 auspishus nite that thare was a konflagration goin on, kum gal- 
 yiantly to the spot, but kindly refraned frum squirtin. 
 
 Resolved, That frum the Bottum of my Sole do I thank tha 
 B ildinsville brass band fur givin up the idea of Sarahnadin me, 
 both on that great nite & sinse. 
 
 Resolved, That my thanks is doo several members of the Bald- 
 ins ville meetin house who fur 3 whole dase hain't kalled me a 
 sinful skoffer or intreeted me to mend my wicked wase and jine 
 sade meetin house to onct. 
 
 Resolved, That my Boozum teams with meny kind emoshuns 
 towards the follerin individoouls, to whit namelee — Mis, 
 Square Baxter, who Jenerusly refoozed to take a sent for a bot- 
 tle of camfire ; lawyer Perkinses wife who rit sum versis on 
 the Eppisodes ; the Editer of the Baldinsville Bugle of Liberty, 
 who nobly assisted me in wollupin my Kangeroo,which sagashus 
 little cuss seriusly disturbed the Eppisodes by his outrajus 
 screetchins & kickins up ; Mis. Hirum Doolittle, who kindly 
 furnisht sum cold vittles at a tryin time, when it wasunt kon- 
 venient to cook vittles at my hous ; & the Peasleys, Parsunses & 
 Watsunses fur there meny ax of kindness. 
 
 Trooly yures, Artemus Ward. 
 
 BOSTON. 
 
 A. W. TO HIS WIFE. 
 
 Dear Betsy : I write you this from Boston, " the Modern 
 Atkins, " as it is denomyunated, altho' I skurcely know what 
 those air. I'll giv you a kursoory view of this city. I'll klassify 
 
80 BOSTON. 
 
 the paragrafs under seprit headins, arter the stile of those Em 
 blems of Trooth and Poority, the Washinton correspongdents \ 
 
 COPPS' HILL. 
 
 'The winder of my room commands a exileratin view of 
 Copps' Hill, where Cotton Mather, the father of the Keformera 
 and sich, lies berrid. There is men even now who worship Cot- 
 ton, and there is wimin who wear him next their harts. But I 
 do not weep for him. He's bin ded too lengthy. I aint goin 
 to be absurd, like old Mr. Skillins, in our naberhood, who is 
 ninety-six years of age, and gets drunk every 'lection day, and 
 weeps Bitturly because he haint got no Parents. He's a nice 
 Orphan, lie is. 
 
 BUNKER HILL. 
 
 Bunker Hill is over yonder in Charleston. In 1 776 a thrillin' 
 dramy was acted out over there, in which the " Warren Combi- 
 nation " played star parts. 
 
 MR. FANUEL. 
 
 Old Mr. Fanuel is ded, but his Hall is still into full blarst. 
 This is the Cradle in which the Goddess of Liberty was rocked, 
 my Dear. The Goddess hasn't bin very well durin' the past 
 few years, and the num'ris quack doctors she called in didn't 
 help her any ; but the old gal's physicians now are men who 
 understand their bisness, Major-generally speakin', and I think 
 the day is near when she'll be able to take her three meals a 
 day, and sleep nights as comf 'bly as in the old time. 
 
 THE COMMON. 
 
 It is here, as ushil ; and the low cuss who called it a "Wacant 
 Lot, and wanted to know why they didn't ornament it with 
 sura Bildins', is a onhappy Outcast in Naponsit. 
 
 THE LEGISLATOR. 
 
 The State House is filled with Statesmen, but sum of 'em 
 wear queer hats. They buy 'em, I take it, of hatters who carry 
 
BOSTON. 81 
 
 on hat stores down stairs in Dock Square, and whose hats i» 
 either ten years ahead of the prevalin' stile, or ten years behind 
 it — jest as a intellectooal person sees fit to think about it. I 
 had the pleasure of talkin' with sevril members of the legislatur. 
 T told 'em the Eye of 1,000 ages was onto we American peple 
 of to-day. They seemed deeply impressed by the remark, and 
 w&ntid to know if I had seen the Grate Orgin ? 
 
 HARVARD COLLEGE. 
 
 This celebrated institootion of learnin' is pleasantly situated 
 in the Bar-room of Parker's, in School street, and has poopila 
 from all over the country. 
 
 I had a letter, yes'd'y, by the way, from our mootual son, 
 Artemus, Jr., who is at Bowdoin College in Maine. He writes 
 that he's a Bowdoin Arab. & is it cum to this ? Is this Boy, 
 as I nurtered with a Parent's care into his childhood's hour — 
 is he goin' to be a Grate American humorist ? Alars ! I fear 
 it is too troo. Why didn't I bind him out to the Patent Trav- 
 eling Vegetable Pill Man, as was struck with his appearance 
 at our last County Fair, & wanted him to go with him and be a 
 Pillist? Ar, these Boys — they little know how the old folks 
 worrit about 'em. But my father he never had no occasion to 
 worrit about me. You know, Betsy, that when I fust com- 
 menced my career as a moral exhibitor with a six-legged cat and 
 a Bass drum, I was only a simple peasant child — skurce 15 
 Summers had now'd over my yoothful hed. But I had sum 
 mind of my own. My father understood this. " Go," he said 
 — " go, my son, and hog the public ! " (he ment, " knock em," 
 but the old man was alius a little given to slang). He put his 
 withered han' tremblinly onto my hed, and went sadly into the 
 house. I thought I saw tears tricklin' down his venerable chin, 
 but it might hav' been tobacker jooce. He chaw'd. 
 
 LITERATOOR. 
 
 The Atlantic Monthly, Betsy, is a reg'lar visitor to our westuu 
 homo I like it because it has got sense. It don't print stories 
 
82 BOSTON. 
 
 with, piruts and lionist young men into 'em, making the piruta 
 fcplendid fellers and the honist young men dis'gree'ble idiots — 
 so that our darters very nat'rally prefer the piruts to the honist 
 young idiots ; but it gives us good square American literatoor. 
 The chaps that write for the Atlantic, Betsy, understand their 
 bisness. They can sling ink, they can. I went in and saw 
 W. ] told 'em that theirs was a high and holy mission. 
 They seemed quite gratified, and asked me if I had seen the 
 Grate Orgin. 
 
 WHERE THE FUST BLUD WAS SPILT. 
 
 I went over to Lexington yes'd'y. My Boosum hove with 
 solium emotions. " & this," I said to a man who was drivin' a 
 yoke of oxen, " this is where our revolutionary forefathers 
 asserted their independence and spilt their Blud. Classic 
 ground ! " 
 
 " Wall," the man said, (t it's good for white beans and pota- 
 toes, but as regards raisin' wheat, t'ain't worth a dam. But 
 hav' you seen the Grate Orgin ? " 
 
 THE POOTY GIRL IN SPECTACLES. 
 
 I returned in the Hoss Cars, part way. A pooty girl in 
 spectacles sot near me, and was tellin' a young man how much 
 he reminded her of a man she used to know in Walthain. 
 Pooty soon the young man got out, and, smilin' in a seductiv' 
 manner, I said to the girl in spectacles, " Don't I remind you 
 of somebody you used to know ? " 
 
 " Yes," she said, " you do remind me of one man, but he was 
 sent to the penitentiary for stealin' a Bar'l of mackril — he 
 died there, so I conciood you ain't him." I didn't pursoo the 
 conversation. I only heard her silvery voice once more duriii' 
 the. remainder of the jerney. Turnin' to a respectable lookin' 
 female of advanced summers, she asked her if she had seen the 
 Grate Orgin. 
 
 We old chaps, my dear, air apt to forget that it is sum time 
 since we was infants^ and et lite food. Nothin' of further 
 
BOSTON. 83 
 
 int'rist took place on the cars excep' a colored gentleman, a total 
 stranger to me, asked if I'd lend him my diamond Brestpin to 
 wear to a funeral in South Boston. I told him I wouldn't — 
 not a purpuss. 
 
 COMMON SKOOLS. 
 
 A excellent skool sistim is in vogy here. John Slurk, my old 
 pardner, has a little son who has only bin to skool two months, 
 and yet he exhibertid his father's performin' Bear in the sho-fl 
 all last summer. I hope they pay partic'lar 'tention to Spelin' 
 i_ these Skools, because if a man can't Spel wel he's of no 
 'kount. 
 
 summin' up. 
 
 I ment to have allooded to the Grate Orgin in this letter, but 
 1 haven't seen it. Mr. Reveer, whose tavern I stop at, informed 
 me that it can be distinctly heard through a smoked glass in 
 his nativ town in New Hampshire, any clear day. But set- 
 tin' the Grate Orgin aside (and indeed, I don't think I heard 
 it mentioned all the time I was there), Boston is one of the 
 grandest, sure-footedest, clear headedest, comfortablest cities on 
 the globe. Onlike ev'ry other large city I was ever in, the 
 most of the hackmen don't seem to hav' bin speshully intended 
 by natur for the Burglery perfession, and it's about the only 
 large city I know of where you don't enjoy a brilliant oppor* 
 tunity of bein' swindled in sum way, from the Bisin of the sun 
 to the goin down thereof. There4 I say, loud and continnered 
 applaus' for Boston ! 
 
 DOMESTIC MATTERS. 
 
 Kiss the children for me. What you tell me 'bout the Twins 
 greeves me sorely. When I sent 'em that Toy Enjine I had 
 not contempyulated that they would so fur forgit what was doo 
 the dignity of our house as to squirt dish-water on the Incum 
 Tax Collector. It is a disloyal act, and shows a prematoor 
 leanin' tords cussedness that alarms me. I send to Amelia 
 Ann, our oldest dawter, sum new music, viz., (( I am Lonely 
 Bints My Mother-in-law Died"; "Dear Mother, What tho' the 
 Hand that Spanked me in my Childhood's Hour is withered 
 
84 "HONEST OLD ABE" AND HIS NOMINATION. 
 
 now ? " &c. These song writers, by the way, air doin' the M oth- 
 er Bisiness rather too muchly. 
 
 Your Own Troo husban', 
 
 Artemus Wart* 
 
 HOW OLD ABE RECEIVED THE NEWS OF HIS 
 NOMINATION. 
 
 There are several reports afloat as to how " Honest Old 
 Abe " received the news of his nomination, none of which are 
 correct. We give the correct report. 
 
 The Official Committee arrived in Springfield at dewy eve, 
 and went to Honest Old Abe's house. Honest Old Abe was 
 not in. Mrs. Honest Old Abe said Honest Old Abe was out 
 in the woods splitting rails. So the Official Committee went 
 out into the woods, where sure enough they found Honest Old 
 Abe splitting rails with his two boys. It was a grand, a mag- 
 nificent spectacle. There stood Honest Old Abe in his shirt- 
 sleeves, a pair of leather home-made suspenders holding up a 
 pair of home-made pantaloons, the seat of which was neatly 
 patched with substantial cloth of a different color. " Mr. 
 Lincoln, Sir, you've been nominated, Sir, for the highest 
 office, Sir — ." " Oh, don't bother me," said Honest Old Abe; 
 " I took a stent this mornin' to split three million rails afore 
 night, and I don't want to be pestered with no stuff about no 
 Conventions till I get my stent done. I've only got two hun- 
 dred thousand rails to split before sundown. I kin do it if 
 you'll let me alone." And the great man went right on split- 
 ting rails, paying no attention to the Committee whatever. 
 The Committee were lost in admiration for a few moments, 
 when they recovered, and asked one of Honest Old Abe's 
 Doys whose boy he was ? " I'm my parent's boy," shouted the 
 urchin, which burst of wit so convulsed the Committee that 
 
INTERVIEW WITH PRESIDENT LINCOLN. 85 
 
 fchcy came very near "gin'in eout" completely. In a few 
 moments Honest Old Abe finished his task, and received the 
 news with perfect self-possession. He then asked them up to 
 the house 3 where he received them cordially. He said he split 
 three million rails every day, although he was in very pool 
 health. Mr. Lincoln is a jovial man, and has a keen sense of 
 the ludicrous. During the evening he asked Mr. Evarts, of 
 New York, cc why Chicago was like a hen crossing the street ? n 
 Mr. Evarts gave it up. " Because," said Mr. Lincoln, ic Old 
 Grimes is dead, that good old man ! " This exceedingly hu- 
 morous thing created the most uproarious laughter. 
 
 INTERVIEW WITH PRESIDENT LINCOLN. 
 
 I hav no politics. Nary a one. I'm not in the bisiness. 
 If I was I spose I should holler versiffrusly in the streets at 
 nite and go home to Betsy Jane smellen of coal ile and gin, in 
 the mornin. I should go to the Poles arly. I should stay 
 there all day. I should see to it that my nabers was thar. I 
 should git carriges to take the kripples, the infirm and the in- 
 dignant thar. I should be on guard agin frauds and sich. I 
 should be on the look out for the infamus lise of the enemy, 
 got up jest be4 elecshun for perlitical efieck. When all was 
 over and ray candydate was elected, I should move heving <fe 
 erth — so to speak — until I got orfice, which if I didn't git 
 a orfice I should turn round and abooze the Administration 
 with all my mite and maine. But I'm not in the bisniss. I'm 
 in a far more respectful bisniss nor what pollertics is. I 
 wouldn't giv two cents to be a Congresser. The wuss insult I 
 ever received was when sertin citizens of Baldinsville axed me 
 to run fur the Legislater. Sez I, " My frends, dostest think I'd 
 Btoop to that there ? " They turned as white as a sheet. I 
 
86 INTERVIEW WITH PRESIDENT LINCOLN. 
 
 spoke in my most orfullest tones, & they knowd I wasn't U 
 be trifled with. They slunked out of site to onct. 
 
 There4, havin no politics, I made bold to visit Old Abe at 
 his humstid in Springfield. I found the old feller in his par- 
 ler, surrounded by a perfeck swarm of orfice seekers. Knowin 
 he had been capting of a flat boat on the roarin Mississippy I 
 thought I'd address him in sailor lingo, so sez I, " Old Abe, 
 ahoy ! Let out yer main-suls, reef hum the forecastle & throw 
 yer jib-poop over-board ! Shiver my timbers, my harty ! " 
 [N. B. This is ginuine mariner langwidge. I know, becawz 
 I've seen sailor plays acted out by them New York theater fel- 
 lers.] Old Abe lookt up quite cross & sez, "Send in yer 
 petition by & by. I can't possibly look at it now. Indeed, I 
 can't. It's onpossible, sir ! " 
 
 i( Mr. Linkin, who do you spect I air ? " sed I. 
 
 " A orfice-seeker, to be sure," sed he. 
 
 "Wall, sir," sed I, "you's never more mistaken in your 
 life. You hain't gut a orfiss I'd take under no circumstances. 
 I'm A. Ward. Wax Aggers is my perfeshun. I'm the father 
 of Twins, and they look like me — both of them. I cum to 
 pay a frendly visit to the President eleck of the United States. 
 If so be you wants to see me, say so — if not, say so, & I'm 
 orf like a jug handle." 
 
 " Mr. Ward, sit down. I am glad to see you, Sir." 
 
 " Repose in Abraham's Buzzum ! " sed one of the orfice 
 seekers, his idee bein to git orf a goak at my expense. 
 
 "Wall," sez I, "ef all you fellers repose in that there 
 Buzzum thare'll be mity poor nussin for sum of you ! " where- 
 upon Old Abe buttoned his weskit clear up and blusht like a 
 maidin of sweet 16. Jest at this pint of the conversation 
 another swarm of orfice-seekers arrove & cum pilin into the 
 parler. Sum wanted post orfices, sum wanted collectorships, 
 sum wantid furrin missions, and all wanted sumthin. J 
 thought Old Abe would go crazy. He hadn't more than had 
 time to shake hands with 'em, before another tremenjis crowd 
 cum porein onto his premises. His house and dooryard was 
 
INTERVIEW WITH PRESIDENT LINCOLN 87 
 
 now perfeckly overflowed with orfice seekers, all clameruss for 
 a immejit interview with Old Abe. One man from Ohio, who 
 had about seven inches of corn whisky into him, mistook me 
 for Old Abe and addrest me as i( The Pra-hayrie Flower of the 
 West ! " Thinks I you want a offiss putty bad. Another 
 man with a gold heded cane and a red nose told Old Abe he 
 was (i a seckind Washington & the Pride of the Boundlisa 
 West." 
 
 Sez I, li Square, you wouldn't take a small post-offiss if you 
 could git it, would you ? " 
 
 Sez he, " a patrit is abuv them things, sir ! " 
 
 " There's a putty big crop of patrits this season, aint there, 
 Squire ? " sez I, when another crowd of offiss seekers pored in. 
 The house, door-yard, barn & woodshed was now all full, and 
 when another crowd cum I told 'em not to go away for want 
 of room as the hog-pen was still empty. One patrit from a 
 small town in Michygan went up on top the house, got into 
 the chimney and slid down into the parler where Old Abe 
 was endeverin to keep the hungry pack of orfice-seekers from 
 chawin him up alive without benefit of clergy. The minit ho 
 reached the fire-place he jumpt up, brusht the soot out of his 
 eyes, and yelled : " Don't make eny pintment at the Spunkville 
 postoffiss till you've read my papers. All the respectful men 
 in our town is signers to that there dockyment ! " 
 
 " Good God ! " cride Old Abe, " they cum upon me from the 
 skize — down the chimneys, and from the bowels of the 
 yerth ! " He hadn't more'n got them words out of his delikit 
 mouth before two fat offiss-seekers from Wisconsin, in endev- 
 erin to crawl atween his legs for the purpuss of applyin for 
 the tollgateship at Milwawky, upsot the President eleck, <fe he 
 would hev gone sprawlin into the fire-place if I hadn't caught 
 him in these arms. But I hadn't more'n stood him up strate 
 oefore another man cum crashin down the chimney, his head 
 etrikin me vilently agin the inards and prostratin my volup* 
 toous form onto the floor "Mr. Linkin," shoutid the in« 
 
88 INTERVIEW WITH PRESIDENT LINCOLN 
 
 fatooated being, (i my papers is signed by every clergyman in 
 our town, and likewise the skoolmaster ! " 
 
 Sez I, "you egrejis ass," gittin up & brushin the dust from 
 my eyes, " I'll sign your papers with this bunch of bones, if 
 you don't be a little more keerful how you make my bread 
 basket a depot in the futer. How do you like that air per- 
 fumery ? " sez I, shuving my fist under his nose. " Them's 
 the kind of papers I'll giv you ! Them's the papers you 
 want ! " 
 
 61 But I workt hard for the ticket ; I toiled night and day ! 
 The patrit should be rewarded ! " 
 
 " Virtoo," sed I, holdin' the infatooated man by the coat- 
 collar, " virtoo, sir, is its own reward. Look at me ! " He 
 did look at me, and qualed be4 my gase. " The fact is," I 
 continued, lookin' round on the hungry crowd, " there is 
 scacely a offiss for every ile lamp carrid round durin' this cam- 
 pane. I wish thare was. I wish thare was furrin missions to 
 be filled on varis lonely Islands where eppydemics rage inces- 
 santly, and if I was in Old Abe's place I'd send every mother's 
 son of you to them. What air you here for ? " I continnered, 
 warmin up considerable, " can't you giv Abe a minit's peace ? 
 Don't you see he's worrid most to death ? Go home, you mis- 
 erable men, go home & till the sile ! Go to pectdlin tinware — 
 go to choppin wood — go to bilin' sope — stuff sassengers — 
 black boots — git a clerkship on sum respectable manure cart 
 — go round as original Swiss Bell Ringers — becum l origenal 
 and only ' Campbell Minstrels — go to lecturin at 50 dollars a 
 nite — imbark in the peanut bizniss — write for the Ledger — 
 saw off your legs and go round givin concerts, with tuchin ap- 
 peals ta a charitable public, printed on your handbills — any- 
 thing for a honest living, but don't come round here drivin 
 Old Abe crazy by your outrajis cuttings up! Go home. 
 Stand not upon the order of your goin', but go to onct ! Ef 
 in five minits from this time," sez I, pullin' out my new six- 
 teen dollar huntin cased watch and brandishin' it before their 
 eyes, " Ef in five minits from this time a single sole of you 
 
INTERVIEW WITH PRESIDENT LINCOLN. 89 
 
 remains on these here premises, I'll go out to my cage near by, 
 and let my Boy Constructor loose ! & ef he gits amung you, 
 you'll think old Solferino has cum again and no mistake ! * 
 You ought to hev seen them scamper, Mr. Fair. They run orl 
 as tho Satun hisself was arter them with a red hot ten pronged 
 pitchfork. In five minits the premises was clear. 
 
 " How kin I ever repay you, Mr. Ward, for your kindness ? " 
 ged Old Abe, advancin and shakin me warmly by the hand. 
 " How kin I ever repay you, sir ? " 
 
 " By givin the whole country a good, sound administration. 
 By poerin' ile upon the troubled waturs, North and South. 
 By pursooin' a patriotic, firm, and just course, and then if any 
 State wants to secede, let 'em Sesesh ! " 
 
 " How 'bout my Cabinit, Mister Ward ? " sed Abe. 
 
 " Fill it up with Showmen sir ! Showmen is devoid of pol- 
 itics. • They hain't got any principles. They know how to cater 
 tor the public. They know what the public wants, North & 
 South. Showmen, sir, is honest men. Ef you doubt their lit- 
 erary ability, look at their posters, and see small bills ! El 
 you want a Cabinit as is a Cabinit fill it up with showmen, but 
 don't call on me. The moral wax figger perfeshun musn't be 
 permitted to go down while there's a drop of blood in theso 
 vains ! A. Linkin, I wish you well ! Ef Powers or Walcutt 
 wus to pick out a model for a beautiful man, I scarcely think 
 they'd sculp you ; but ef you do the fair thing by your coun- 
 try you'll make as putty a angel as any of us ! A. Linkin, 
 use the talents which Nature has put into you judishusly and 
 firmly, and all will be well ! A. Linkin, adoo ! " 
 
 He shook me cordyully by the hand — we exchanged picters, 
 bo we could gaze upon each others' liniments, when far away 
 from one another — he at the helium of the ship of State, and 
 I at the iellum of the show bizniss — admit Tance only 15 cents. 
 
90 INTERVIEW WITH THE PRINCE NAPOLEON. 
 
 INTERVIEW WITH THE PRINCE NAPOLEON, 
 
 NoTwnHSTANDiN I hain't writ much for the papers of late, 
 nobody needn't ilatter theirselves that the undersined is ded. 
 On the coniry, li I still live," which words was spoken by Dan- 
 yil Webster, who was a able man. Even the old-line whigs of 
 Boston will admit that. Webster is ded now, howsever, and 
 his mantle has probly fallen into the hands of sum dealer in 
 2nd hand close, who can't sell it. Leastways nobody pears to 
 be goin round wearin it to any perticler extent, now days. The 
 rigiment of whom I was kurnel, finerly concluded they was bet- 
 ter adapted as Home Gards, which accounts for your not hearin 
 of me, ear this, where the bauls is the thickest and where the 
 cannon doth roar. But as a American citizen I shall never 
 cease to admire the masterly advance our troops made on 
 Washinton from Bull Bun, a short time ago. It was well 
 dun. I spoke to my wife 'bout it at the time. My wife sed it 
 was well dun. 
 
 It havin there4 bin detarmined to pertect Baldinsville at ali 
 hazzuds, and as there was no apprehensions of any immejit dan- 
 ger, I thought I would go orf onto a pleasure tower. Accor- 
 dinly I put on a clean Biled Shirt and started for Washinton. 
 I went there to see the Prints Napoleon, and not to see the 
 place, which I will here take occasion to obsarve is about 
 as uninterestin a locality as there is this side of J. Davis's 
 future home, if he ever does die, and where I reckon they'll 
 make it so warm for him that he will si for his summer close. 
 It is easy enough to see why a man goes to the poor house or 
 the penitentiary. It's becawz he can't help it. But why ho 
 should woluntarily go and live in Washinton, is intirely beyond 
 my comprehension, and I can't say no fairer nor that. 
 
 I put up to a leadin hotel. I saw the landlord and sed, 
 " How d'ye do, Square?" 
 
 " Fifty cents, sir," was his reply. 
 
INTERVIEW WITH THE PRINCE NAPOLEON. 91 
 
 "Sir?" 
 
 li Half-a-dollar. We charge twenty-five cents for lookiib at 
 the landlord and fifty cents for speakin to him. If yon want 
 supper, a boy will show yon to the dinin room for twenty-five 
 cents. Yonr room bein in the tenth story, it will cost yon a 
 doUar to be shown np there." 
 
 <{ How much do you ax for a man breathin in this equinom- 
 ikal tarvun ? " sed I. 
 
 " Ten cents a Breth," was his reply. 
 
 Washinton hotels is very reasonable in their charges. [1^. 
 B. — This is Sarkassum.] 
 
 I sent up my keerd to the Prints, and was immejitly ushered 
 before him. He received me kindly, and axed me to sit down. 
 
 " I hav cum to pay my respecks to you, Mister Napoleon, 
 hopin I see you hale and harty." 
 
 " I am quite well," he sed. (( Air you well, sir ? " 
 
 II Sound as a cuss ! " I answerd. 
 
 He seemed to be pleased with my ways, and we entered into 
 conversation to onct. 
 
 (( How's Lewis ? " I axed, and he sed the Emperor was well. 
 Eugeny was likewise well, he sed. Then I axed him was Lewis 
 a good provider? did he cum home arly nites? did he perfoom 
 her bedroom at a onseasonable hour with gin and tanzy? Did 
 he go to " the Lodge " on nites when there wasn't any Lodge ? 
 did he often hav to go down town to meet a friend ? did he 
 hav a extensiv acquaintance among poor young widders whose 
 husbands was in Californy ? to all of which questions the Prints 
 perlitely replide, givin me to understan that the Emperor was 
 behavin well. 
 
 " I ax these questions, my royal duke and most noble hiness 
 and imperials, becaws I'm anxious to know how he stards as a 
 man. I know he's smart. He is cunnin, he is long-heied, lie 
 is deep — he is grate. But onless he is good he'll come do we 
 with a crash one of these days and the Bonyparts will be Bustid 
 ap agin. Bet yer life ! " 
 
 5< Air you a preacher, sir ? " he inquired slitely sarkas+icul 
 
92 INTERVIEW WITH TEE PRINCE NAPOLEON. 
 
 u No, sir. But I bleeve in morality. I likewise bleeve in 
 Meetin Houses. Show me a place where there isn't any Meetin 
 Houses and where preachers is never seen, and I'll show you a 
 place where old hats air stuffed into broken winders, where thft 
 children air dirty and ragged, where gates have no hinges, 
 where the wimin are slipshod, and where maps of the devil's 
 " wild land " air painted upon men's shirt bosums with tobacco- 
 jooce ! That's what I'll show you. Let us consider what the 
 preachers do for us before we aboose 'em." 
 
 He sed he didn't mean to aboose the clergy. Not at all, 
 and he was happy to see that I was interested in the Bonyparfc 
 family. 
 
 " It's a grate family," sed I. " But they scooped the old 
 man in." 
 
 " How, Sir ? " 
 
 " Napoleon the Grand. The Britishers scooped him at Water • 
 loo. He wanted to do too much, and he did it ! They scooped 
 him in at Waterloo, and he subsekently died at St. Heleny! 
 There's where the gratest military man this world ever pro- 
 duced pegged out. It was rather hard to consine such a man 
 as him to St, Heleny, to spend his larst days in catchin mack- 
 eril, and walkin up and down the dreary beach in a military 
 cloak drawn titely round him, (see picter-books), but so it was. 
 ' Hed of the Army ! ' Them was his larst words. So he had 
 bin. He was grate ! Don't I wish we had a pair of his old 
 boots to command sum of our Brigades ! " 
 
 This pleased Jerome, and he took me warmly by the hand. 
 
 11 Alexander the Grate was punkins," I continnered, " but 
 Napoleon was punkinser! Alio wept becaws there was nc 
 more worlds to scoop, and then took to drinkin. He drown- 
 did his sorrers in the nowin bole, and the flowin bole was toe 
 much for him. It ginerally is. He undertook to give a snake 
 exhibition in his boots, but it killed him. That was a bad 
 joke on Alic ! " 
 
 " Since joi air so solicitous about France and the Emperor, 
 
INTERVIEW WITH THE PRINCE NAPOLEON. 93 
 
 may I ask you how your own country is getting along ? " sed 
 Jerome, in a pleasant voice. 
 
 " It's mixed," I sed. (t But I think we shall cum out all 
 right." 
 
 " Columbus, when he diskivered this magnificent continent, 
 eould hav had no idee of the grandeur it would one day assoom," 
 sed the Prints. 
 
 " It cost Columbus twenty thousand dollars to fit out his 
 explorin expedition," sed I. "If he had bin a sensible maa 
 he'd hav put the money in a hoss railroad or a gas company, 
 and left this magnificent continent to intelligent savages, who 
 when they got hold of a good thing knew enuff to keep it, and 
 who wouldn't hav seceded, nor rebelled, nor knockt Liberty in 
 the hed with a slungshot. Columbus wasn't much of a feller, 
 after all. It would hav bin money in my pocket if he'd staid 
 at home. Chris, ment well, but he put his foot in it when hf 
 saled for America." 
 
 We talked sum more about matters and things, and at larst 
 I riz to go. " I will now say good bye to you, noble sir, and 
 good luck to you. Likewise the same to Clotildy. Also to 
 the gorgeous persons which compose your soot. If the Em- 
 peror's boy don't like livin at the Tooleries, when he gits older, 
 and would like to imbark in the show bizniss, let him come 
 with me and I'll make a man of him. You find us sumwhat 
 mixed, as I before obsarved, but come again next year and 
 you'll find us clearer nor ever. The American Eagle has lived 
 too sumptuously of late — his stummic becum foul, and he's 
 takin a slite emetic. That's all. We're gettin ready to strike 
 a big blow and a sure one. When we do strike the fur will 
 fly and secession will be in the hands of the undertaker, 
 sheeted for so deep a grave that nothin short of Gabriel's trom- 
 bone will ever awaken it ! Mind what I say. You've heard 
 the showman ! " 
 
 Then advisin him to keep away from the Peter Funk auc- 
 tions of the East, and the proprietors of corner- lots in th< 
 West, I bid him farewell, and went away. 
 
94 AGRICULTURE. 
 
 There was a levee at Senator What's-his-name's, and 1 
 thought I'd jine in the festivities for a spell. Who should I 
 see but she that was Sarah Watkins, now the wife of our Con- 
 gresser, trippin in the dance, dressed up to kill in her store 
 close. Sarah's father use to keep a little grosery store in our 
 town and she used to clerk it for him in busy times. I waa 
 i ushin up to shake hands with her when she turned on her 
 heel, and tossin her hed in a contemptooius manner, walked 
 away from me very rapid. " Hallo, Sal," I hollered, " can't 
 you measure me a quart of them best melasses ? I may want 
 a codfish, also ! " I guess this reminded her of the little red 
 store, and iC the days of her happy childhood." 
 
 But I fell in with a nice little gal after that, who was much 
 sweeter than Sally's father's melasses, and I axed her if we 
 shouldn't glide in the messy dance. She sed we should, and 
 we Glode. 
 
 I intended to make this letter very seiis, but a few goaks 
 may have accidentally crept in. Never mind. Besides, 1 
 think it improves a komick paper to publish a goak once in a 
 while. 
 
 Yours Muchly, 
 
 WARD, (Artemus.) 
 
 AGRICULTURE. 
 
 The Barclay County Agricultural Society having seriously 
 invited the author of this volume to address them on the occa* 
 sion of their next annual Fair, he wrote the President of that 
 Society as follows : 
 
 New York, June 12, 1865. 
 
 Dear Sir: — 
 
 I have the honor to acknowledge the receipt of your letter of 
 
Artemus finds it pleasant su-olliDg about Ins farm with dressing-gown and cigar. 
 See page 95. 
 
AGRICULTURE. 95 
 
 the 5th inst., in which you invite me to deliver an address be- 
 fore your excellent agricultural society. 
 
 I feel flattered, and think I will come. 
 
 Perhaps, meanwhile, a brief history of my experience as an 
 agriculturist will be acceptable ; and as that history no doubt 
 contains suggestions of value to the entire agricultural commu- 
 nity, I have concluded to write to you through the Press. 
 
 I have been an honest old farmer for some four years. 
 
 My farm is in the interior of Maine. Unfortunately my 
 lands are eleven miles from the railroad. Eleven miles is 
 quite a distance to haul immense quantities of wheat, corn, rye, 
 and oats ; but as I hav'n't any to haul, I do not, after all, suf- 
 fer much on that account. 
 
 My farm is more especially a grass farm. 
 
 My neighbors told me so at first, and as an evidence that 
 they were sincere in that opinion, they turned their cows on to 
 it the moment I went off " lecturing." 
 
 These cows are now quite fat. I take pride in these cows, 
 in fact, and am glad I own a grass farm. 
 
 Two years ago I tried sheep-raising. 
 
 I bought fifty lambs, and turned them loose on my broad 
 and beautiful acres. 
 
 It was pleasant on bright mornings to stroll leisurely out on 
 to the farm in my dressing-gown, with a cigar in my mouth, 
 and watch those innocent little lambs as they danced gayly o'er 
 the hill-side. Watching their saucy capers reminded me of 
 caper sauce, and it occurred to me I should have some very 
 fine eating when they grew up to be " muttons." 
 
 My gentle shepherd, Mr. Eli Perkins, said, " We must have 
 Boine shepherd dogs." 
 
 I had no very precise idea as to what shepherd dogs were, 
 but I assumed a rather profound look, and said, 
 
 "We must, Eli. I spoke to you about this some time 
 ago ! " 
 
 I wrote to my old friend, Mr. Dexter H. Follett, of Boston, 
 for two shepherd dogs. Mr. F. is not an honest old farmer 
 
96 AGRICULTURE. 
 
 himself, but I thought he knew about shepherd dogs. He 
 kindly forsook far more important business to accommodate^ 
 and the dogs came forthwith. They were splendid creatures — 
 snuff-colored, hazel-eyed, long- tailed, and shapely-jawed. 
 
 We led them proudly to the fields. 
 
 " Turn them in, Eli," I said. 
 
 Eli turned them in. 
 
 They went in at once, and killed twenty of my best lambs in 
 about four minutes and a half. 
 
 My friend had made a trifling mistake in the breed of these 
 dogs. 
 
 These dogs were not partial to sheep. 
 
 Eli Perkins was astonished, and observed : 
 
 " Waal ! did you ever ? " 
 
 I certainly never had. 
 
 There were pools of blood on the greensward, and fragments 
 of wool and raw lamb chops lay round in confused heaps. 
 
 The dogs would have been sent to Boston that night, had 
 they not suddenly died that afternoon of a throat -distemper. 
 It wasn't a swelling of the throat. It wasn't diphtheria. It 
 was a violent opening of the throat, extending from ear to ear. 
 
 Thus closed their life-stories. Thus ended their interesting 
 tails. 
 
 I failed as a raiser of lambs. As a sheepist, I was not a 
 success. 
 
 Last summer Mr. Perkins said, "I think we'd better cut 
 some grass this season, sir." 
 
 We cut some grass. 
 
 To me the new-mown hay is very sweet and nice. The 
 brilliant George Arnold sings about it, in beautiful verse, down 
 in Jersey every summer ; so does the brilliant Aldrich, at 
 Portsmouth, N. H. And yet I doubt if either of these men 
 knows the price of a ton of hay to-day. But new-mown hay 
 ia a really fine thing. It is good for man and beast, 
 
 We hired four honest farmers to assist us, and I led them 
 gayly to the meadows. 
 
AGRICULTURE. 97 
 
 I was going to mow, myself. 
 
 I saw the sturdy peasants go round once ere I dipped my 
 flashing scythe into the tall green grass. 
 
 " Are you ready ? " said E. Perkins. 
 
 " I am here!" 
 
 " Then follow us." 
 
 I followed them. 
 
 Followed them rather too closely, evidently, for a white- 
 haired old man, who immediately followed Mr. Perkins, called 
 upon us to halt. Then in a low firm voice he said to his son, 
 who was just ahead of me, "John, change places with me. I 
 hain't got long to live, anyhow. Yonder berryin' ground will 
 soon have these old bones, and it's no matter whether I'm car- 
 ried there with one leg off and ter'ble gashes in the other or 
 not ! But you, John — you are young." 
 
 The old man changed places with his son. A smile of calm 
 resignation lit up his wrinkled face, as he said, w Now, sir, I 
 am ready ! " 
 
 " What mean you, old man ? " I said. 
 
 " I mean that if you continner to bran'ish that blade as you 
 
 have been bran'ishin' it, you'll slash h out of some of us 
 
 before we're a hour older ! " 
 
 There was some reason mingled with this white-haired old 
 peasant's profanity. It was true that I had twice escaped 
 mowing off his son's legs, and his father was perhaps naturally 
 alarmed. 
 
 I went and sat down under a tree. (c I never know'd a lit- 
 erary man in my life," I overheard the old man say, u that 
 know'd anything." 
 
 Mr. Perkins was not as valuable to me this season as I had 
 fancied he might be. Every afternoon he disappeared from 
 the field regularly, and remained about some two hours. He 
 said it was headache. He inherited it from his mother. His 
 mother was often taken in that way, and suffered a great 
 deal. 
 
 At the end of the two hours Mr. Perkins would reappear 
 
98 AGRICULTURE 
 
 with his head neatly done up in a large wet rag, and say be 
 "felt better." 
 
 One afternoon it so happened that I soon followed the in* 
 valid to the house, and as I neared the porch I heard a female 
 v nee energetically observe, " Yon stop ! " It was the voice 
 of the hired girl, and she added, " I'll holler for Mr. Brown ! " 
 i " Oh no, Nancy," I heard the invalid E. Perkins soothingly 
 say, " Mr. Brown knows I love you. Mr. Brown approves of 
 it!" 
 
 This was pleasant for Mr. Brown ! 
 
 I peered cautiously through the kitchen-blinds, and, how- 
 ever unnatural it may appear, the lips of Eli Perkins and my 
 hired girl were very near together. She said, "You shan't do 
 so," and he do-soed. She also said she would get right up and 
 go away, and as an evidence that she was thoroughly in earnest 
 bout it, she remained where she was. 
 
 They are married now, and Mr. Perkins is troubled no more 
 with the headache. 
 
 This year we are planting corn. Mr. Perkins writes me 
 that " on accounts of no skare krows bein put up krows cum 
 and digged fust crop up but soon got nother in. Old Bisbee 
 ho was frade youd cut his sons leggs of Ses you bet go an 
 stan up in feeld yrself with dressin gownd on & gesses krows 
 will keep way, this made Boys in store larf. no More ter- 
 day from 
 
 "Yours 
 
 " respecful 
 
 " Eli Perkins, 
 "his letter." 
 My friend Mr. D. T. T. Moore, of the Mural JVew Yorker, 
 thinks if I " keep on " I will get in the Poor House in about 
 two years. 
 
 If you think the honest old farmers of Barclay County want 
 me, I will come. 
 
 Truly Yours, 
 
 Charles F. Browne. 
 
BUSTS. 99 
 
 BUSTS. 
 
 There are in this city several Italian gentlemen engaged in 
 tlie bust business. They have their peculiarities and eccen- 
 tricities. They are swarthy-faced, wear slouched caps and 
 drab pea-jackets, and smoke bad cigars. They make busts of 
 Webster, Clay, Bonaparte, Douglas, and other great men, liv- 
 ing and dead. The Italian buster comes upon you solemnly 
 and cautiously. " Buy Napo-leon ? " he will say, and you may 
 probably answer "not a buy." "How much giv-ee?" he 
 asks, and perhaps you will ask him how much he want3. 
 " Nine dollar," he will answer always. We are sure of it. 
 We have observed this peculiarity in the busters frequently. 
 No matter how laige or small the bust may be, the first price 
 is invariably " nine dollar." If you decline paying this price, 
 as you undoubtedly will if you are right in your head, he again 
 asks, (C how much giv-ee?" By way of a joke you say " a 
 dollar," when the buster retreats indignantly to the door, say- 
 ing in a low, wild voice, " O dam ! " With his hand upon the 
 door-latch, he turns and once more asks, " how much giv-ee ? " 
 You repeat the previous offer, when he mutters, u O ha ! " 
 then coming pleasantly towards you, he speaks thus : " Say ! 
 how much giv-ee?" Again you say a dollar, and he cries, 
 " take 'urn — take 'urn ! " — thus falling eight dollars en his 
 original price. 
 
 Yery eccentric is the Italian buster, and sometimes he calJs 
 his busts by wrong names. We bought Webster (he called 
 him Web-STAE,) of him the other day, and were astonished 
 when he called upon us the next day with another bust of 
 Webster, exactly like the one we had purchased of him, and 
 asked us if we didn't want to buy " Cole, the wife-pizener ! " 
 We endeavored to rebuke the depraved buster, but our utter- 
 ance was choked, and we could only gaze upon him in speech* 
 less astonishment and indignation. 
 
100 A HARD CASE. 
 
 A HAED CASE. 
 
 We have heard of some very hard cases since ■we have en 
 Livened this world with our brilliant presence. "We once sa^ 
 an able-bodied man chase a party of little school-children and 
 rob them of their dinners. The man who stole the coppers 
 from his deceased grandmother's eyes lived in our neighborhood, 
 and we have read about the man who went to church for the sole 
 purpose of stealing the testaments and hymn-books. But the 
 hardest case we ever heard of lived in Arkansas. He was only 
 fourteen years old. One night he deliberately murdered his 
 father and mother in cold blood, with a meat-axe. He was 
 tried and found guilty. The Judge drew on his black cap, and 
 in a voice choked with emotion asked the young prisoner if he 
 had anything to say before the sentence of the Court was passed 
 on him. The court-room was densely crowded and there was 
 not a dry eye in the vast assembly. The youth of the prisoner, 
 his beauty and innocent looks, the mild, lamblike manner in 
 which he had conducted himself during the trial — all, all had 
 thoroughly enlisted the sympathy of the spectators, the ladies in 
 particular. And even the Jury, who had found it to be their 
 stern duty to declare him guilty of the appalling crime — even the 
 Jury now wept aloud at this awful moment. " Have you any- 
 thing to say ? " repeated the deeply moved Judge. " Why, no," 
 replied the prisoner, "I think I haven't, though I hope yer 
 Honor will show some consideration for the feelings of a 
 poor orphan ! " The Judge sentenced the perfect young wretch 
 flrithout delay. 
 
AFFAIRS ABOUND THE VILLAGE GREEK 101 
 
 AFFAIRS AROUND THE VILLAGE GREEK 
 
 It isn't every one who has a village green to write about. I 
 have one, although I have not seen much of it for some years 
 past. I am back again, now. In the language of the duke 
 who went around with a motto about him, " I am here ! " and I 
 fancy I am about as happy a peasant of the vale as ever gar- 
 nished a melodrama, although I have not as yet danced on my 
 village green, as the melo-dramatic peasant usually does on his. 
 It was the case when Rosina Meadows left home. 
 
 The time rolls by serenely now — so serenely that I don't 
 care what time it is. which is fortunate, because my watch is at 
 present in the hands of those " men of New York who are 
 called rioters." We met by chance, the usual way — certainly 
 not by appointment — and I brought the interview to a close 
 with all possible despatch. Assuring them that I wasn't Mr. 
 Greeley, particularly, and that he had never boarded in the pri- 
 vate family where I enjoy the comforts of a home, I tendered 
 them my watch, and begged they would distribute it judiciously 
 among the laboring classes, as I had seen the rioters styled in 
 certain public prints. 
 
 Why should I loiter feverishly in Broadway, stabbing the 
 hissing hot air with the splendid goldheaded cane that was pre- 
 sented to me by the citizens of Waukegan, Illinois, as a slight 
 testimonial of their esteem ? Why broil in my rooms ? You 
 said to me, Mrs. Gloverson, when I took possession of those 
 rooms, that no matter how warm it might be, a breeze had a 
 way of blowing into them, and that they were, withal, quite 
 countryfied ; but I am bound to say, Mrs. Gloverson, that there 
 was nothing about them that ever reminded me, in the remotest 
 degree, of daisies or new-mown hay. Thus, with sarcasm, do I 
 smash the deceptive Gloverson. 
 
 Why stay in New York when I had a village green ? I gave 
 
102 AFFAIRS ABOUND TEE VILLAGE GREEN. 
 
 it up, the same as I would an intricate conundrum — and, in 
 short, I am here. 
 
 Do I miss the glare and crash of the imperial thoroughfare ? 
 the milkman, the fiery, untamed omnibus horses, the soda foun- 
 tains, Central Park, and those things ? Yes, I do ; and I can go 
 on, missing 'em for quite a spell, and enjoy it. 
 
 The village from which I write to you is small. It does not 
 contain over forty houses, all told ; but they are milk-white, with 
 the greenest of blinds, and for the most part are shaded with 
 beautiful elms and willows. To the right of us is a mountain — to 
 the left a lake. The village nestles between. Of course it does. 
 I never read a novel in my life in which the villages didn't nestle. 
 Tillages invariably nestle. It is a kind of way they have. 
 
 We are away from the cars. The iron-horse, as my little sis- 
 ter aptly remarks in her composition On Nature, is never heard 
 to shriek in our midst ; and on the whole I am glad of it. 
 
 The villagers are kindly people. They are rather incoherent 
 on the subject of the war, but not more so, perhaps, than are 
 people elsewhere. One citizen, who used to sustain a good 
 character, subscribed for the Weekly New York Herald a few 
 months since, and went to studying the military maps in that 
 well-known journal for the fireside. I need not inform you 
 that his intellect now totters, and he has mortgaged his farm. 
 In a literary point of view we are rather bloodthirsty. A pam- 
 phlet edition of the life of a cheerful being, who slaughtered his 
 wife and child, and then finished himself, is having an extensive 
 sale just now. 
 
 We know little of Honore de Balzac, and perhaps care less 
 for Victor Hugo. M. Claes's grand search for the Absolute 
 doesn't thrill us in the least ; and Jean Valjean, gloomily pick- 
 ing his way through the sewers of Paris, with the spooney young 
 man of the name of Marius upon his back, awakens no interest 
 in our breasts. I say Jean Valjean picked his way gloomily, 
 and I repeat it. No man, under those circumstances, could 
 have skipped gayly. But this literary business, as the gentle- 
 
AFFAIRB AKOUNE THE VILLAGE GREEN. 103 
 
 man who married his colored chambermaid aptly observed, et ia 
 simply a matter of taste." 
 
 The store — I must not forget the store. It is an object of 
 great interest to me. I usually encounter there, on sunny 
 afternoons, an old Eevolutionary soldier. You may possibly 
 have read about i6 Another Revolutionary Soldier gone," but 
 this is one who hasn't gone, and, moreover, one who doesn't 
 manifest the slightest intention of going. He distinctly re- 
 members Washington, of course ; they all do ; but what I wish 
 to call special attention to, is the fact that this Revolutionary 
 soldier is one hundred years old, that his eyes are so good that 
 he can read fine print without spectacles — he never used them, 
 by the way — and his mind is perfectly clear. He is a little 
 Bhaky in one of his legs, but otherwise he is as active as most 
 men of forty-five, and his general health is excellent. He uses 
 no tobacco, but for the last twenty years he has drunk one glass 
 of liquor every day — no more, no less. He says he must have 
 his tod. I had begun to have lurking suspicions about this 
 Revolutionary soldier business, but here is an original Jacobs. 
 But because a man can drink a glass of liquor a day, and live 
 to be a hundred years old, my young readers must not infer 
 that by drinking two glasses of liquor a day a man can live to 
 be two hundred. ■' Which, I meanter say, it doesn't follor," 
 as Joseph Gargery might observe. 
 
 This store, in which may constantly be found calico and 
 nails, and fish, and tobacco in kegs, and snuff in bladders, is a 
 venerable establishment. As long ago as 1814 it was an insti- 
 tution. The county troops, on their way to the defence of 
 Portland, then menaced by British ships-of-war, were drawn up 
 in front of this very store, and treated at the town's expense. 
 Citizens will tell you how the clergyman refused to pray for the 
 troops, because he considered the war an unholy one ; and how 
 a somewhat eccentric person, of dissolute habits, volunteered 
 his services, stating that he once had an uncle who was a dea- 
 con, and he thought he could make a tolerable prayer, although 
 it, was rather out of his line ; and how he prayed so long and 
 
104 AFFAIRS AROUND THE VILLAGE GREEN. 
 
 absurdly that the Colonel ordered him under arrest, but that 
 even while soldiers stood over him with gleaming bayonets, the 
 reckless being sang a preposterous song about his grandmother's 
 spotted calf, with its Ei-fol-Iol-tiddery-i-do ; after which he 
 howled dismally. 
 
 And speaking of the store, reminds me of a little story. The 
 author of <c several successful comedies " has been among us, and 
 the store was anxious to know who the stranger was. And 
 therefore the store asked him. 
 
 " What do you follow, sir ? " respectfully inquired the trades- 
 man. 
 
 " I occasionally write for the stage, sir." 
 
 " Oh ! " returned the tradesman, in a confused manner. 
 
 " He means," said an honest villager, with a desire to help 
 the puzzled tradesman out, (i he means that he writes the hand- 
 bills for the stage drivers ! " 
 
 I believe that story is new, although perhaps it is not of an 
 uproariously mirthful character; but one hears stories at the 
 store that are old enough, goodness knows — stories which, no 
 doubt, diverted Methuselah in the sunny days of his giddy and 
 thoughtless boyhood. 
 
 There is an exciting scene at the store occasionally. Yester- 
 day an athletic peasant, in a state of beer, smashed in a coun- 
 ter and emptied two tubs of butter on the floor. His father — 
 a white-haired old man, who was a little boy when the Revolu- 
 tionary war closed, but who doesn't remember "Washington 
 much, came round in the evening and settled for the damages. 
 '• My son," he said, w has considerable originality." I will 
 mention that this same son once told me that he could lick me 
 with one arm tied behind him, and I was so thoroughly satisfied 
 hfi could, that I told him he needn't mind going for a rope. 
 
 Sometimes I go a-visiting to a farm-house, on which occasions 
 the parlor is opened. The windows have been close-shut ever 
 since the last visitor was there, and there is a dingy smell that 
 I struggle as calmly as possible with, until I am led to the ban- 
 quet of steaming hot biscuit and custard pie. If they w Duld 
 
4FEAIB8 AROUND THE VILLAGE GtiEEN. 105 
 
 only let me sit in the dear old-fashioned kitchen, or on the door* 
 stone — if they knew how dismally the new black furniture 
 looked — but, never mind, I am not a reformer. No, I should 
 rather think not. 
 
 Gloomy enough, this living on a farm, you perhaps say, in 
 which case you ara wrong. I can't exactly say that I pant to 
 be an agriculturist, but I do know that in the main it is an in- 
 dependent, calmly happy sort of life. I can see how the prosper- 
 ous farmer can go joyously a-field with the rise of the sun, and 
 how his heart may swell with pride over bounteous harvests 
 and sleek oxen. And it must be rather jolly for him on win- 
 ter evenings to sit before the bright kitchen fire and watch his 
 rosy boys and girls as they study out the charades in the weekly 
 paper, and gradually find out why my first is something that 
 grows in a garden, and my second is a fish. 
 
 On the green hillside over yonder there is a quivering of 
 enowy drapery, and bright hair is flashing in the morning sun- 
 light. It is recess, and the Seminary girls are running in the 
 tall grass. 
 
 A goodly seminary to look at outside, certainly, although I 
 am pained to learn, as I do on unprejudiced authority, that 
 Mrs. Higgins, the Principal, is a tyrant, who seeks to crush 
 the girls and trample upon them; but my sorrow is somewhat 
 assuaged by learning that Skimmerhorn, the pianist, is perfect- 
 ly splendid. 
 
 Looking at these girls reminds me that I, too, was once 
 young — and where are the friends of my youth ? I have found 
 one of 'em, certainly. I saw him ride in the circus the other 
 day on a bareback horse, and even now his name stares at me 
 from yonder board-fence, in green, and blue, and red, and yel- 
 low letters. Dashington, the youth with whom I used to read 
 the able orations of Cicero, and who, as a declaimer on exhibi- 
 tion days, used to wipe the rest of us boys pretty handsomely 
 out — well, Dashington is identified with the halibut and cod 
 interest — drives a fish cart, in fact, from a certain town on 
 the coast, back into the interior. Hurbertsonj the utterly 
 
106 AFFAIRS ABOUND THE VILLAGE GREEN. 
 
 stupid boy — the lunkhead, who never had his lesson — he's 
 about the ablest lawyer a sister State can boast. Mills is a 
 newspaper man, and is just now editing a Major-General down 
 South. 
 
 Sing^son, the sweet- voiced boy, whose face was always 
 cashed and who was real good, and who was never rude — h« 
 is in the penitentiary for putting his uncle's autograph to a fi- 
 nancial document. Hawkins, the clergyman's son, is an actor, 
 and Williamson, the good little boy who divided his bread and 
 butter with the beggar-man, is a failing merchant, and makes 
 money by it. Tom Slink, who used to smoke short-sixes and 
 get acquainted with the little circus boys, is popularly supposed 
 to be the proprietor of a cheap gaming establishment in Boston, 
 where the beautiful but uncertain prop is nightly tossed. Be 
 sure, the Army is represented by many of the friends of my 
 youth, the most of whom have given a good account of them- 
 selves. But Chalmerson hasn't done much. No, Chalmerson 
 is rather of a failure. He plays on the guitar and sings love 
 songs. Not that he is a bad man. A kinder-hearted crea- 
 ture never lived, and they say he hasn't yet got over crying 
 for his little curly haired sister who died ever so long ago. But 
 he knows nothing about business, politics, the world, and those 
 things. He is dull at trade, — indeed, it is a common remark 
 that " everybody cheats Chalmerson." He came to the party 
 the other evening, and brought his guitar. They wouldn't have 
 him. for a tenor in the opera, certainly, for he is shaky in his up- 
 per notes ; but if his simple melodies didn't gush straight from 
 the heart, why were my trained eyes wet ? And although some 
 of the girls giggled, and some of the men seemed to pity 1 im, I 
 could not help fancying that poor Chalmerson was nearer heav- 
 en than any of us all ! 
 
PAET II 
 WAR. 
 
 THE SHOW IS CONFISCATED. 
 
 You hav perhaps wondered wharebouts I was for these 
 many dase gone and past. Perchans you sposed I'd gone to 
 the Tomb of the Cappylets, tho I don't know what those is. 
 It's a popler noospaper frase. 
 
 Listen to my tail, and be silent that ye may here I've been 
 among the Seseshers, a earnin my daily peck by my legitimit 
 perfeshun, and havn't had no time to weeld my facile quill for 
 "the Grate Komick paper," if you'll alow me to kote from 
 your troothful advertisement. 
 
 My success was skaly, and I likewise had a narrer scape of 
 my life. If what I've bin threw is i( Suthern hosspitality," 
 'bout which we've hearn so much, then I feel bound to obsarve 
 that they made two much of me. They was altogether too 
 lavish with their attenshuns. 
 
 1 went amung the Seseshers with no feelins of annermosity. 
 I went in my perfeshernal capacity. I was actoDated by one 
 of the most Loftiest desires which can swell the human Buz- 
 zum, viz. : — -to giv the peeple their money's worth, by showin 
 them Sagashus Beests, and Wax Statoots, which I venter to 
 say air cnsurpast by any other statoots anywheres. I will not 
 
 (107) 
 
108 THE SHOW IS CONFISCATED. 
 
 call that man who sez my statoots is humbugs a lier and a hosi 
 thief, but bring him be 4 me and I'll wither him with one of 
 my scornful frowns. 
 
 But to proseed with my tail. In my travels threw the 
 Sonny South I heared a heap of talk about Seceshon and bust- 
 iu up the Union, but I didn't think it mounted to nothin, 
 The politicians in all the villages was swearin that Old Abe 
 (sometimes called the Prahayrie flower) shouldn't never be 
 noggerated They also made fools of theirselves in varis ways, 
 but as they was used to that I didn't let it worry me much, 
 and the Stars and Stripes continued for to wave over my little 
 tent. Moor over, I was a Son of Malty and a member of sev- 
 eral other Temperance Societies, and my wife she was a Daw- 
 ter of Malty, an I sposed these fax would secoor me the in- 
 floonz and pertectiun of all the fust families. Alas ! I was 
 dispinted. State arter State seseshed and it growed hotter and 
 hotter for the undersined. Things came to a climbmacks in a 
 small town in Alabamy, where I was premtorally ordered to 
 haul down the Stars & Stripes. A deppytashun of red-faced 
 men cum up to the door of my tent ware I was standin takin 
 money (the arternoon exhibishun had commenst, an' my Italyim 
 organist was jerkin his sole-stirrin chimes.) " We air cum, 
 Sir," said a millingtary man in a cockt hat, " upon a hi and 
 holy mishun. The Southern Eagle is screamin threwout this 
 sunny land — proudly and defiantly screamin, Sir ! " 
 
 " What's the matter with him? " sez I ; "don't his vittles sit 
 well on his stummick ? " 
 
 fi That Eagle, Sir, will continner to scream all over this 
 Brite and tremenjus land ! " 
 
 "Wall, let him scream. If your Eagle can amuse hisself 
 by screamin, let him went ! " The men anoyed me, for I was 
 Bizz'y makin change. 
 
 " We are cum, Sir, upon a matter of dooty — " 
 
 li You're right, Capting. It's every man's dooty to visit my 
 show," sed I. 
 
 ** We air cum — M 
 
"I was ceased and ttet) to a stump." [ See Page 109 
 
TEE SHOW IS CONFISCATED. 109 
 
 " And that's the reason you are here ! " sez I, larfin one of 
 my silvery larfs. I thawt if he wanted to goak I'd giv him 
 sum of my sparklin eppygrams. 
 
 " Sir, you're inserlent. The plain question is, will you haul 
 down the Star-Spangled Banner, and hist the Southern flag ! " 
 
 i: Nary hist ! " Those was my reply. 
 
 "Your wax works and beests is then confisticated, & you air 
 arrested as a Spy ! " 
 
 Sez I, " My fragrant roses of the Southern clime and 
 Bloomin daffodils, what's the price of whisky in this town, 
 and how many cubic feet of that seductive flooid can you in- 
 dividooally hold ? " 
 
 They made no reply to that, but said my wax figgers was 
 confisticated. I axed them if that was ginerally the stile among 
 thieves in that country, to which they also made no reply, 
 but sed I was arrested as a Spy, and must go to Montgomry in 
 iuns. They was by this time jined by a large crowd of other 
 Southern patrits, who commenst hollerin "Hang the bald- 
 headed aberlitionist, and bust up his immoral exhibition ! " 
 I was ceased and tied to a stump, and the crowd went for my 
 tent — that water-proof pavilion, wherein instruction and 
 amoosment had been so muchly combined, at 15 cents per head 
 — and tore it all to pieces. Meanwhile dirty-faced boys was 
 throwin stuns and empty beer bottles at my massiv brow, and 
 takin other improper liberties with my person. Resistance- 
 was useless, for a variety of reasons, as I readily obsarved. 
 
 The Seseshers confisticated my statoots by smashin them to 
 attums. They then went to my money box and confisticated 
 all the loose change therein contaned. They then went and 
 bust in my cages, lettin all the animils loose, a small but 
 iielthy tiger among the rest. This tiger has a excentric way of 
 tearin dogs to peaces, and I allers sposed from his gineral con» 
 duck that he'd Lav no hesitashun in servin human beins in the 
 same way if he could git at them. Excuse me if I was crooil, 
 but I larfed boysterrusly when I see that tiger spring in among 
 the people. "Go it, my sweet cuss ! " I inarily exclaimed. 
 
110 TEE SHOW IS CONFISCATED. 
 
 * I forgi 7Q you for bitin off my left thum with all my hear: ! 
 Kip 'em up like a bully tiger whose Lare has bin inwaded 
 by Seseshers ! " 
 
 I can't say for certain that the tiger serisly injured any of 
 them, but as he was seen a few days after, sum miles distant, 
 with a large and well selected assortment of seats of trowsis in 
 his mouth, and as he lookt as tho he'd bin havin sum vilent 
 exercise, I rayther guess he did. You will therefore perceive 
 that they didn't confisticate him much. 
 
 I was carrid to Montgomry in iuns and placed in durans 
 vial. The jail was a ornery edifiss, but the table was librally 
 surplied with Bakin an Cabbidge. This was a good variety, 
 for when I didn't hanker after Bakin I could help myself to 
 the cabbige. 
 
 I had nobody to talk to nor nothin to talk about, howsever, 
 and I was very lonely, specially on the first day ; so when the 
 jailer parst my lonely sell I put the few stray hairs on the 
 back part of my hed (I'm bald now, but thare was a time 
 when I wore sweet auburu ringlets) into as dish-hevild a state 
 as possible, & rollin my eyes like a manyyuck, I cride : " Stay, 
 jaler, stay ! I am not mad, but soon shall be if you don't bring 
 me suthin to Talk ! " He brung me sum noospapers, for 
 which I thanked him kindly. 
 
 At larst I got a interview with Jefferson Davis, the Presi- 
 dent of the Southern Conthieveracy. He was quite perlite, 
 and axed me to sit down and state my case. I did it, when he 
 larfed <snd said his gallunt men had been a little 2 enthoosias- 
 tic in eonfisticatin my show. 
 
 " Yes," sez I, IC they confisticated me too muchly. I had 
 sum hosses confisticated in the same way onct, but the confisti- 
 caters air now poundin stun in the States Prison in Injinnap- 
 ylus." 
 
 " "Wall, wall, Mister Ward, you air at liberty to depart ; you 
 air frendly to the South, I know. Even now we hav many 
 frens in the North, who sympathise with us, and won't mingle 
 with tbifi fi^t." 
 
THE SHOW IS CONFISCATED. Ill 
 
 "J. Davis, there's your grate mistaik. Many of us was your 
 sincere frends, and thought certin parties amung us was fussin 
 about you and meddlin with your consarns intirely too much. 
 But J. Davis, the minit you fire a gun at the piece of dry-goods 
 called the Star-Spangled banner, the North gits up and rises en 
 massy, in defence of that banner. Not agin you as individooals, 
 — not agin the South even — but to save the flag. We should 
 indeed be weak in the knees, unsound in the heart, milk-white 
 in the liver, and soft in the hed, if we stood quietly by, and 
 saw this glorus Govyment smashed to pieces, either by a fur- 
 rin or a intestine foe. The gentle-harted mother hates to take 
 her naughty child across her knee, but she knows it is her 
 dooty to do it. So we shall hate to whip the naughty South, 
 but we must do it if you don't make back tracks at onct, and 
 we shall wallup you out of your boots ! J. Davis, it is my de- 
 cided opinion that the Sonny South is makin a egrejus mutton- 
 hed of herself ! " 
 
 " Go on, sir, you're safe enuff. You're too small powder for 
 me ! " sed the President of the Southern Conthieveracy. 
 
 " Wait till I go home and start out the Baldinsville Mount- 
 ed Hoss Cavalry ! I'm Capting of that Corpse, I am, and J. 
 Davis, beware ! Jefferson D., I now leave you ! Farewell my 
 ^ay Saler Boy ! Good bye, my bold buccaneer ! Pirut of the 
 deep blue sea, adoo ! adoo ! " 
 
 My tower threw the Southern Conthieveracy on my way 
 home was thrillin enuff for yeller covers. It will form the 
 Bubjeck of my next. Betsy Jane and the projeny air well. 
 
 Your? respectively, 
 
 A. Ward. 
 
112 THRILLING SCENES IN DIXIE. 
 
 THRILLING SCENES IN PIXIE. 
 
 I had a narrer scape from the sonny South. " The swings 
 and arrers of outrajns fortin," alluded to by Hamlick, warn't 
 notbin in comparison to my trubles. I come pesky near 
 swearin sum profane oaths more'n onct, but I hope I didn't do 
 it, for I've promist she whose name shall be nameless (except 
 that her initials is Betsy J.) that I'll jine the Meetin House at 
 Baldinsville, jest as soon as I can scrape money enufF together 
 so I can 'ford to be piuss in good stile, like my welthy nabers. 
 But if I'm confisticated agin I'm fraid I shall continner on in 
 my present benited state for sum time. 
 
 I figgered conspicyusly in many thrillin scenes in my tower 
 from Montgomry to my humsted, and on sevril occasions I 
 thought "the grate komick paper" wouldn't be inriched no 
 more with my lubrications. Arter biddin adoo to Jefferson D. 
 I started for the depot. I saw a nigger sittin on a fence a- 
 playin on a banjo, ' (i My Afrikan Brother," sed I, coting from 
 a Track I onct red, 6i you belong to a very interestin race. 
 Your masters is goin to war excloosively on your account." 
 
 " Yes, boss," he replied, " an' I wish 'em honorable graves ! " 
 and he went on playin the banjo, larfin all over and openin his 
 mouth wide enuff to drive in an old-fashioned 2 wheeled chaise. 
 
 The train of cars in which I was to trust my wallerable life 
 was the scaliest, rickytiest lookin lot of consarns that I ever 
 saw on wheels afore. " What time does this string of second- 
 hand coffins leave ? " I inquired of the depot master. He sed 
 direckly, and I went in & sot down. I hadn't more'n fairly 
 squatted afore a dark lookin man with a swinister expression 
 onto his countenance entered the cars, and lookin very sharp 
 at me, he axed what was my principles ? 
 
 " Secesh ! " I ansered. " I'm a Dissoluter. I'm in favor of 
 Jeff Davis, Bowregard, Pickens, Capt. Kidd, Bloobeard, Munro 
 Edards, the devil, Mrs. Cunningham and all the rest of 'em." 
 
THRILLING SCENES IN DIXIE. 113 
 
 " You're in favor of the war ? " 
 
 ({ Certingly. By all means. I'm in favor of this war and 
 also of the next war. I've been in favor of the next war for 
 over sixteen years ! " 
 
 i( War to the knife ! " sed the man. 
 
 " Blud, Eargo, Blud ! " sed I, tho them words isn't orrigernal 
 with me. Them words was rit by Shakspeare, who is ded. 
 His mantle fell onto the author of " The Seven Sisters," who's 
 goin to hav a Spring overcoat made out of it. 
 
 We got under way at larst, an' proceeded on our jerney at 
 about the rate of speed which is ginrally obsarved by properly- 
 conducted funeral processions. A hansum yung gal, with a 
 red musketer bar on the back side of her hed, and a sassy little 
 black hat tipt over her forrerd, sot in the seat with me. She 
 wore a little Sesesh flag pin'd onto her hat, and she was a goin 
 for to see her troo love, who had jined the Southern army, all 
 so bold and gay. So she told me. She was chilly and I offered 
 her my blanket. 
 
 " Father livin ? " I axed. 
 
 "Yes sir." 
 
 " Got any Uncles ? " 
 
 " A heap. Uncle Thomas is ded, tho." 
 
 " Peace to Uncle Thomas's ashes, and success to him ! I 
 will be your Uncle Thomas ! Lean on me, my pretty Secesher, 
 and linger in Blissful repose ! " She slept as secoorly as in 
 her own housen, and didn't disturb the solium stillness of the 
 night with 'ary snore ! 
 
 At the first station a troop of Sojers entered the cars and 
 inquired if " Old Wax Works " was on bored. That was the 
 disrespectiv stile in which they referred to me. " Becawz if 
 Old Wax Works is on bored," sez a man with a face like a 
 double-brested lobster, " we're going to hang Old Wax Works ! " 
 
 " My illustrious and patriotic Bummers ! " sez I, a gittin np 
 and takin orf my Shappo, " if you allude to A. Ward, it's my 
 plea sin dooty to inform you that he's ded. He saw the error 
 of his wajs at 15 minits parst 2 yesterday, and stabbed hisself 
 
114 THRILLING SCENES IN DIXIE. 
 
 with a stuffed sled-stake, dyin in five beautiful tabloGS to slow 
 moosic ! His larst words was : ' My perfeshernal career is 
 over ! I jerk no more ! ' " 
 " And who be you ? " 
 
 " I'm a stoodent in Senater Benjamin's law offiss. I'm 
 going up North to steal some spoons and things for the South- 
 ern Army." 
 
 This was satisfactry and the intossicated troopers went orf. 
 At the next station the pretty little Secesher awoke and sed 
 she must git out there. I bid her a kind adoo and giv her 
 sum pervisions. (i Accept my blessin and this hunk of ginger- 
 bred ! " I sed. She thankt me muchly and tript galy away. 
 There's considerable human nater in a man, and I'm fraid I 
 shall allers giv aid and comfort to the enemy if he cums to me 
 in the shape of a nice young gal. 
 
 At the next station I didn't get orf so easy. I was dragged 
 out of the cars and rolled in the mud for several minits, for 
 the purpose of " takin the conseet out of me," as a Secesher 
 kindly stated. 
 
 I was let up finally, when a powerful large Secesher came 
 up and embraced me, and to show that he had no hard feelins 
 agin me, put his nose into my mouth. I returned the com- 
 pliment by placin my stummick suddenly agin his right foot, 
 when he kindly made a spittoon of his able-bodied face. Ac- 
 tooated by a desire to see whether the Secesher had bin vaxi- 
 nated I then fastened my teeth onto his left coat-sleeve and 
 tore it to the shoulder. We then vilently bunted our heads 
 together for a few minits, danced around a little, and sot down 
 in a mud puddle. We riz to our feet agin & by a sudden and 
 adi jit movement I placed my left eye agin the Secesher's fist, 
 We then rushed into each other's arms and fell under a two- 
 hos's wagon. I was very much exhaustid and didn't care about 
 gettin up agin, but the man said he reckoned I'd better, and I 
 conclooded I would. He pulled me up, but I hadn't bin on 
 my feet more'n two seconds afore the ground flew up and hit 
 me in the hod. The crowd sed it was high old sport, but I 
 
THRILLING SCENES IN DIXIE. 115 
 
 couldn't zacklj see where the lafture, come in. I riz and we 
 embraced agin. We careered madly to a steep bank, when I 
 got the upper hands of my antaggirnist and threw him into 
 the raveen. He fell about forty feet, striking a grindstone 
 pretty hard. I understood he was injured. I haven't heard 
 from the grindstone. 
 
 A. man in a cockt hat cum up and sed he felt as though a 
 apology was doo me. There was a mistake. The crowd had 
 taken me for another man! I told him not to mention it, 
 and axed him if his wife and little ones was so as to be about, 
 and got on bored the train, which had stopped at that station 
 fi 20 minits for refreshments." I got all I wantid. It was the 
 hartiest meal I ever et. 
 
 I was rid on a rale the next day, a bunch of blazin fire crack- 
 ers bein tied to my coat tales. It was a fine spectycal in a 
 dramatic pint of view, but I didn't enjoy it. I had other ad- 
 venters of a startlin kind, but why continner ? Why lasserate 
 the Public Boozum with these here things ? Sufiysit to say I 
 got across Mason & Dixie's line safe at last. I made tracks 
 for my humsted, but she to whom I'm harnist for life failed to 
 recognize, in the emashiated bein who stood before her, the 
 gushin youth of forty-six summers who had left her only a few 
 months afore. But I went into the pantry, and brought out a 
 certin black bottle. Raisin it to my lips, I sed " Here's to 
 you, old gal ! " I did it so natral that she knowed me at once. 
 i( Those form ! Them voice ! That natral stile of doin things ! 
 'Tis he ! " she cried, and rushed into my arms. It was too 
 much for her & she fell into a swoon. I cum very near swound- 
 in myself. 
 
 No more to-day from yours for the Pepetration of the Union, 
 and the bringin of the Goddess of Liberty out of her present 
 bad fix. 
 
116 FOURTH OF JULY ORATION. 
 
 FOURTH OF JULY ORATION. 
 
 DELIVERED JULY 4TH, AT WEATHERSFIELD, CONNECTICUT, 1859, 
 
 [I delivered the follerin, about two years ago, to a large and (iiscriminating awjincei 
 I was 96 minits passin a given pint. I have revised the orashun, and added sum things 
 which makes it approposser to the times than it otherwise would be. I have also c«r 
 rected the grammers and punktooated it. I do my own punktooatin now days. Th« 
 Printers in Vanity Fair offiss can't punktooate worth a cent.] 
 
 Feller Citizens : I've bin honored with a invite to norate 
 before you to-day ; and when I say that I skurcely feel ekal to 
 the task, I'm sure you will believe me. 
 
 "Weathersfield is justly celebrated for her onyins and patrit- 
 ism the world over, and to be axed to paws and address you on 
 this my fust perfeshernal tower threw New Englan, causes me 
 to feel — to feel — I may say it causes me to feel. (Grate ap- 
 plaws. They thought this was one of my eccentricities, while 
 the fact is I was stuck. This between you and I.) 
 
 I'm a plane man. I don't know nothin about no ded lan- 
 guages and am a little shaky on livin ones. There4, expect no 
 flowry talk from me. What I shall say will be to the pint, 
 right strate out. 
 
 I'm not a politician and my other habits air good. I've no 
 enemys to reward, nor friends to sponge. But I'm a Union 
 man. I luv the Union — it is a Big thing — and it makes my 
 hart bleed to see a lot of ornery peple a-movin heaven — no, not 
 heaven, but the other place — and earth, to bust it up. Too 
 much good blud was spilt in courtin and marryin that hily re- 
 spectable female the Goddess of Liberty, to git a divorce from 
 her now. My own State of Injianny is celebrated for unhitchin 
 marrid peple with neatness and dispatch, but you can't git a 
 divorce from the Goddess up there. Not by no means. The 
 old gal has behaved herself too well to cast her off now. I'm 
 3orry the picters don't give her no shoes or stockins, but the 
 
FOURTH OF JULY ORATION. 117 
 
 band of stars upon her hed must continner to shine imilimd, 
 forever. I'm for the Union as she air, and withered be the 
 arm of every ornery cuss who attempts to bust her up. That's 
 me. I hav sed ! [It was a very sweaty day, and at this pint 
 of the orashun a man fell down with sunstroke. I told the 
 awjince that considerin the large number of putty gals present 
 I was more afraid of a dawter stroke. This was impromptoo, 
 and seemed to amoose them very much.] 
 
 Feller Citizens — I hain't got time to notis the growth of 
 Ameriky frum the time when the Mayflowers cum over in the 
 Pilgrim and brawt Plymmuth Rock with them, but every skool 
 boy nose our kareer has bin tremenjis. You will excuse me if 
 I don't prase the erly settlers of the Kolonies. Peple which 
 hung idiotic old wimin for witches, burnt holes in Quakers' 
 tongues and consined their feller critters to the tredmill and 
 pillery on the slitest provocashun may hav bin very nice folks 
 in their way, but I must confess I don't admire their stile, and 
 will pass them by. I spose they ment well, and so, in the novel 
 and techin langwidge of the nusepapers, " peas to their ashis." 
 Thare was no diskount, however, on them brave men who fit, 
 bled and died in the American Revolushun. We needn't be 
 afraid of setting 'em up two steep. Like my show, they will 
 stand any amount of prase. G. Washington was abowt the 
 best man this world ever sot eyes on. He was a clear-heded, 
 warm-harted, and stiddy goin man. He never slopt over ! 
 The prevailin weakness of most public men is to SLOP 
 OYER ! [Put them words in large letters — A. W.] They 
 git filled up and slop. They Rush Things. They travel too 
 much on the high presher principle. They git on to the fust 
 poplar hobbyhoss whitch trots along, not carin a sent whether 
 the beest is even goin, clear sited and sound or spavined, blind 
 and bawky. Of course they git throwed eventooally, if not 
 sooner. When they see the multitood goin it blind they go 
 Pel Mel with it, instid of exertin theirselves to set it right. 
 They can't see that the crowd which is now bearin them tri- 
 umfantly on its shoulders will soon diskiver ita error and casi 
 
118 FOURTH OF JULY ORATION. 
 
 them into the hoss pond of Oblivyun, without the slitest hesi 
 tashun. Washington never slopt over. That wasn't George's 
 stile. He luved his country dearly. He wasn't after the 
 spiles. He was a human angil in a 3 kornerd hat and knee 
 britches, and we shan't see his like right away. My frends, 
 we can't all be Washington's, but we kin all be patrits & behave 
 o irselves in a human and a Christian manner. When we see 
 a brother goin down hill to Ruin let us not give him a push, 
 but let us seeze rite hold of his coat-tails and draw him back 
 to Morality. 
 
 Imagine G. Washington and P. Henry in the character of 
 seseshers! As well fancy John Bunyan and Dr. Watts in 
 spangled tites, doin the trapeze in a one-horse circus ! 
 
 I tell you, feller-citizens, it would have bin ten dollars in 
 Jeff Davis's pocket if he'd never bin born ! 
 
 * * * * # * * 
 
 Be shure and vote at leest once at all elecshuns. Buckle on 
 yer armer and go to the Poles. See two it that your naber is 
 there. See that the kripples air provided with carriages. Go 
 to the poles and stay all day. Bewair of the infamous liso 
 whitch the Opposishun will be sartin to git up fur perlitical 
 effek on the eve of eleckshun. To the poles ! and when you 
 git there vote jest as you darn please. This is a privilege we 
 all persess, and it is 1 of the booties of this grate and free 
 land 
 
 I see mutch to admire in New Englan. Your gals in particu- 
 lar air abowt as snug bilt peaces of Calliker as I ever saw. 
 They air fully equal to the corn fed gals of Ohio and Injianny, 
 and will make the bestest kind of wives. It sets my Buzzum 
 en fire to look at 'em. 
 
 Be still, my sole, be still, 
 & you, Hart, stop cuttin tip ! 
 
 I like your skool houses, your meetin houses, your enterprise, 
 gumpshnn &c, b7it your favorit Bevridge I disgust. I allude 
 to New England Rum. It is wuss nor the korn whisky of 
 
THE WAR VEVER IN BALDINBVV.^E. 110 
 
 Injianny, which eats threw stone jugs & will turn the stummuck 
 of the most shiftliss Hog. I seldom seek consolashun in the 
 flowin Bole, but tother day I wurrid down some of your Ram, 
 The fust g]ass indused me to sware like a infooriated trooper. 
 On takin the secund glass I was seezed with a desire to break 
 winders, & arter imbibin the third glass I knockt a small boy 
 down, pickt his pocket of a New York Ledger, and wildly com- 
 menced readin Sylvanus Kobb's last Tail. Its drefful stuff — 
 a sort of lickwid litem' n, gut up under the personal supervish 
 un of the devil — tears men's inards all to peaces and makes 
 their noses blossum as the Lobster. Shun it as you would a 
 wild hyeny with a firebrand tied to his tale, and while you air 
 abowt it you will do a first rate thing for yourself and every- 
 body abowt you by shunnin all kinds of intoxicatin lickers. 
 You don't need 'em no more'n a cat needs 2 tales, sayin nothin 
 abowt the trubble and sufferin they cawse. But unless your 
 inards air cast iron, avoid New Englan's favorite Bevrige. 
 
 My frends, I'm dun. I tear myself away from you with 
 tears in my eyes & a pleasant oder of Onyins abowt my close. 
 In the langwidge of Mister Catterline to the Rummuns, I go, 
 but perhaps I shall cum back agin. Adoo, peple of Wethers- 
 field. Be virtoous <fe you'll be happy ! 
 
 THE WAR FEVER IN BALDINSVILLE. 
 
 As soon as I'd recooperated my physikil system, I went over 
 into the village. The peasantry was glad to see me. The 
 skoolmaster sed it was cheerin to see that gigantic intelleck 
 among 'em onct more. That's what he called me. I like the 
 ekoolmaster, and allers send him tobactfier when I'm off on a trav- 
 elin campane. Besides, he is a very sensible man. Such men 
 must be encouraged. 
 
TEE WAR imVJSH IN BALDINSVILLE. 
 
 They don't git news very fast in Baldiasville, as nofchin but 
 a plank road runs in there twice a week, and that's very much 
 out of repair. So my nabers wasn't much posted up in regard 
 to the wars. 'Squire Baxter sed he'd voted the dimicratic 
 ticket for goin on forty year, and the war was a dam black 
 republican Je. Jo. Stackpole, who kills hogs for the 'Squire, 
 Mid has got a powerfu. muscle into his arms, sed he'd bet $5 
 he cauld lick the Crisis in a fair stand-up fight, if he wouldn't 
 draw a knife on him. So it went — sum was for war, and sum 
 was for peace. The skoolmaster, however, sed the Slave Oli- 
 garky must cower at the feet of the North ere a year had flowed 
 by, or pass over his dead corpse. " Esto perpetua ! " he added ! 
 "And sine qua non also!" sed I, sternly, wishing to make a 
 impression onto the villagers. <c Bequiescat in pace ! " sed the 
 schoolmaster. " Too troo, too troo ! " I anserd, " it's a scander- 
 lusfact!" 
 
 The newspapers got along at last, chock full of war, and the 
 patriotic fever fairly bust out in Baldinsville. 'Squire Baxter 
 sed he didn't b'lieve in Coercion, not one of 'em, and could prove 
 by a file of Eagles of Liberty in his garrit, that it was all a Whig 
 lie, got up to raise the price of whisky and destroy our other 
 liberties. But the old 'Squire got putty riley, when he heard 
 how xhe rebels was cuttin up, and he sed he reckoned he should 
 skour up his old muskit and do a little square fitin for the Old 
 Flao-, which had allers bin on the ticket he'd voted, and he was 
 too old to Bolt now. The 'Squire is all right at heart, but it 
 takes longer for him to fill his venerable Biler with steam than 
 it used to when he was young and frisky. As I previously 
 informed you, I am Captin of the Baldinsville Company, I 
 riz giadooally but majesticly from drummer's Secretary to my 
 present position. But I found the ranks wasn't full by no 
 moans, and commenced for to recroot. Havin notist a gineral 
 desire on the part of young men who are into the crisis to we^r 
 eppylits, I detarmined to have my company composed excloo 
 sively of ofnssers, everybody to rank as Brigadeer-Ginral. The 
 follerin was among the varis questions which I put to vecroots 
 
TEE WAR FEVER IN B^LDINSVILLE. 121 
 
 Do you know a masked battery from a hunk of gingerbread ? 
 
 Do you know a eppylit from a piece of chalk? 
 
 If I trust you with a real gun, how many men of your own 
 company do you speck you can manage to kill durin the war? 
 
 Hav you ever heard of Ginral Price of Missouri, and can you 
 avoid simler accidents in case of a battle ? 
 
 Hav you ever had the measles, and if so, how many ? 
 
 How air you now ? 
 
 Show me your tongue, &c, &c. Sum of the questions was 
 sarcusstical. 
 
 The company filled up rapid, and last Sunday we went to the 
 meetin house in full uniform. I had a seris time gittin into my 
 military harness, as it was bilt for me many years ago ; but I 
 finally got inside of it, tho' it fitted me putty clost. Howsever, 
 onct into it, I lookt fine — in fact, aw-inspirin. "Do you 
 know me, Mrs. Ward ? " sed I, walkin into the kitchin. 
 
 " Know you, you old fool ? Of course I do." 
 
 [ saw at once she did. 
 
 I started for the meetin house, and I'm afraid I tried to walk 
 too strate, for I cum very near fallin over backards ; and in at- 
 temptin to recover myself, my sword got mixed up with my legs, 
 and I fell in among a choice collection of young ladies, who was 
 standin near the church door a-seein the sojer boys come up. My 
 cockt hat fell off, and sumhow my coat tales got twisted round 
 my neck. The young ladies put their handkerchers to their 
 mouths and remarked : " Te he," while my ancient female sin- 
 gle friend, Sary Peasley, bust out in a loud larf. She exercised 
 her mouth so vilently that her new false teeth fell out onto th<* 
 ground. 
 
 " Miss Peaseley," sed 1, gittin up and dustin myself, " you 
 must be more careful with them store teeth of your'n or you'll 
 have to gum it agin ! " 
 
 Methinks I had her. 
 
 I'd bin to work hard all the week, and I felt rather snoozy. 
 I'm 'fraid I did git half asleep, for on hearin the minister ask, 
 " Why was man made to mourn? " I sed, Ci I giv it up," havin 
 6 
 
122 THE WAR FEVER IN BALDWSV1LLE. 
 
 a vague idee that it was a eondrum. It was a ( nfortmt re. 
 mark, for the whole meetin house lookt at me with mingled 
 surprise and indignation. I was about risin to a pint of order, 
 when it suddenly occurd to me whare I was, and I kept my 
 seat, bl ushin like the red, red rose — so to speak. 
 
 The next mornin I 'rose with the lark (N. B. — I don'4 
 sleep with the lark, tho\ A goak.) 
 
 My little dawter was execootin ballids, accompanyin nerself 
 with the Akordeon, and she wisht me to linger and hear hei 
 sing : " Hark I hear a angel singin, a angel now is onto the wing." 
 
 " Let him fly, my child ! " sed I, a-bucklin on my arnier, " I 
 must forth to my Biz." 
 
 We air progressin pretty well with our drill. As all aii 
 commandin offissers, there ain't no jelusy, and as we air all ex- 
 ceedin smart, it t'aint worth while to try to outstrip each 
 other. The idee of a company composed excloosively of Com- 
 manders-in-Chiefs, orriggernated, I spose I skurcely need say, 
 in these Brane. Considered as a idee, I flatter myself it is 
 putty hefty. We've got all the tackticks at our tongs' ends, 
 but what we particly excel in is restin muskits. We can rest 
 muskits with anybody. 
 
 Our corpse will do its dooty. We go to the aid of Columbji 
 — we fight for the stars ! 
 
 We'll be chopt into sassige meat before we'll exhibit our 
 cote-tales to the foe. 
 
 We'll fight till there's no thin left of us but our little toes, 
 and even they shall defiantly wiggle ! 
 
 "Ever of thee" 
 
 A. Wabd. 
 
A WAR MEETING. 123 
 
 A WAR MEETING. 
 
 Our complaint just now is war mee tin's. They've Hd 
 havin 'em bad in varis parts of our cheerful Republic, and 
 nat'rally we caught 'em here in Baldinsville. They broke out 
 all over us. They're better attended than the Eclipse was. 
 
 I remember how people poured into our town last Spring to 
 see the Eclipse. They labored into a impression that they 
 couldn't see it to home, and so they came up to our place. I 
 cleared a very handsome amount of money by exhibitin' the 
 Eclipse to 'em, in an open-top tent. But the crowds is bigger 
 now. Posey County is aroused. I may say, indeed, that the 
 pra-hay-ories of Injianny is on fire. 
 
 Our big meetin' came off the other night, and our old friend 
 of the Bugle was elected Cheerman. 
 
 The Bugle-Horn of Liberty is one of Baldinsville's most 
 eminentest institootions. The advertisements are well-written, 
 and the deaths and marriages are conducted with signal ability. 
 The editor, Mr. Slinkers, is a polish'd, skarcastic writer. 
 Folks in these parts will not soon forgit how he used up the 
 Eagle of Freedom, a family journal published at Snootville, 
 near here. The controversy was about a plank road. " The 
 road may be, as our cotemporary says, a humbug ; but our 
 aunt isn't bald-heded, and we haven't got a one-eyed sister Sal ! 
 Wonder if the Editor of the Eagle of Freedom sees it ? •' 
 This used up the Eagle of Freedom feller, because his aunt's 
 head does present a skinn'd appearance, and his sister Sarah 
 is very much one-eyed. Eor a genteel home-thrust, Mr. Slink- 
 ers has few ekals. He is a man of great pluck likewise. He 
 has a fierce nostril, and I b'lieve upon my soul, that if it 
 wasn't absolootly necessary for him to remain here and an- 
 nounce in his paper, from week to week, that " our Gov'ment 
 is about to take vig'rous measures to put down the rebellion " 
 
124 A WAR MEETING. 
 
 I b'lieve, upon my soul, this illustris man would enlist as a 
 
 Brigadier Gin'ral, and git his Bounty. 
 
 I was fixin' myself up to attend the great war meetin', when 
 my daughter entered with a young man who was evijently 
 from the city, and who wore long hair, and had a wild expres- 
 sion into his eye. In one hand he carried a port-folio, and his 
 other paw claspt a bunch of small brushes. My daughter in- 
 troduced him as Mr. Sweibier, the distinguished landscape 
 painter from Philadelphy. 
 
 "He is a artist, papa. Here is one of his master-pieces — a 
 jroung mother gazin' admirin'ly upon her first-born," and my 
 daughter showed me a really pretty picter, done in ile. " Is 
 it not beautiful, papa? He throws so much soul into his 
 work." 
 
 "Does he? does he?" said I — "well, I reckon I'd better 
 hire him to whitewash our fence. It needs it. What will 
 you charge, sir," I continued, " to throw some soul into my 
 fence?" 
 
 My daughter went out of the room in very short meeter, 
 fcakin' the artist with her, and from the emphatical manner in 
 which the door slam'd, I concluded she was summat disgusted 
 at my remarks. She closed the door, I may say, in italics. 
 I went into the closet and larfed all alone by myself for over 
 half an hour. I larfed so vi'lently that the preserve jars rat- 
 tled like a cavalry offisser's sword and things, which it aroused 
 my Betsy, who came and opened the door pretty suddent. 
 She seized me by the few lonely hairs that still linger sadly 
 upon my bare-footed hed, and dragged me out of the closet^ 
 Incidentally obsarving that she didn't exactly see why she 
 should be compelled, at her advanced stage of life, to open a 
 assylum for sooperanooated idiots. 
 
 My wife is one of the best wimin on this continent, altho 1 
 she isn't always gentle as a lamb, with mint sauce. No, not 
 always. 
 
n 
 
 i \|liSiat 
 
 has 
 
 c-^ns?;' Mr-*~- 
 
 at -. wh* 
 

A WAU MEETING. 125 
 
 But to return to the war meetin'. It was largely attended 
 The Editor of the Bugle arose and got up and said the fact 
 could no longer be disguised that we were involved in a war. 
 "Human gore," said he, "is flowin'. All able-bodied men 
 should seize a musket and march to the tented field. I repeal 
 it, sir, to the tented field." 
 
 A voice — " Why don't you go yourself, you old blow- 
 hard?" 
 
 "Iain identified, young man, with a Arkymedian leaver 
 which moves the world," said the Editor, wiping his auburn 
 brow with his left coat-tail: "I allude, young man, to the 
 press. Terms, two dollars a year, invariably in advance. Job 
 printing executed with neatness and dispatch ! " And with 
 this brilliant bust of elekance the Editor introduced Mr. J. 
 Brutus Hinkins, who is sufferin from an attack of College in a, 
 naberin' place. Mr. Hinkins said Washington was not safe. 
 Who can save our national capeetle ? 
 
 " Dan Setchell," I said. " He can do it afternoons. Let 
 him plant his light and airy form onto the Long Bridge, make 
 faces at the hirelin' foe, and they'll skedaddle ! Old Setch 
 can do it." 
 
 "I call the Napoleon of Showmen," said the Editor of 
 the Bugle, — "I call that Napoleonic man, whose life is 
 adorned with so many noble virtues, and whose giant mind 
 lights up this warlike scene — I call him to order." 
 
 I will remark, in this connection, that the Editor of the 
 Bugle does my job printing. 
 
 " You," said Mr. Hinkins, " who live away from the busy 
 haunts of men do not comprehend the magnitood of the crisis. 
 The busy haunts of men is where people comprehend this 
 crisis. We who live in the busy haunts of men — that is to 
 say, we dwell, as it were, in the busy haunts of men." 
 
 " I really trust that the gent'l'man will not fail to say suthin' 
 about the busy haunts of men before he sits down," said I. 
 
 a I claim the right to express my sentiments here," said Mr, 
 
126 i WAR MEETING. 
 
 llinkins, in a slightly indignant tone, " and I shall biook no 
 interruption, if I am a Softmore." 
 
 " You couldn't be more soft, my young friend," I observed^ 
 whereupon there was cries of " Order ! order ! " 
 
 " I regret I can't mingle in this strife personally," said the 
 young man. 
 
 " You might inlist as a liberty-pole," said I in a silvery 
 whisper. 
 
 "But," he added, "I have a voice, and that voice is foi 
 war." The young man then closed his speech with some strikin 
 and original remarks in relation to the star-spangled banner. 
 He was followed by the village minister, a very worthy man 
 indeed, but whose sermons have a tendency to make people 
 sleep pretty industriously. 
 
 lt I am willin' to inlist for one," he said. 
 
 " What's your weight, parson ? " I asked. 
 
 ct A hundred and sixty pounds," he said. 
 
 c ; Well, you can inlist as a hundred and sixty pounds of mor- 
 phine, your dooty bein' to stand in the hospitals arter a battle, 
 and preach while the surgical operations is bein' performed ! 
 Think how much you'd save the Gov'ment in morphine." 
 
 He didn't seem to see it ; but he made a good speech, and the 
 editor of the Bugle rose to read the resolutions, commencin' as 
 foliers : 
 
 Resolved, That we view with anxiety the fact that there ia 
 now a war goin' on, and 
 
 Resolved, That we believe Stonewall Jackson sympathizes with 
 the secession movement, and that we hope the nine-montha 
 men — 
 
 At this point he was interrupted by the sounds of silvery 
 footsteps on the stairs, and a party of wimin, carryin' guns and 
 ted by Betsy Jane, who brandish'd a loud and rattlin' umber 
 eller, burst into the room. 
 
 " Here," cried I, " are some nine-months wimin ! " 
 
 " Mrs. Ward," said the editor of the Bugle — " Mrs. Wakd 
 and ladies, what means this extr'ord'n'ry demonstration ? " 
 
THE DRAFT IN BALDIhSVILLE. 121 
 
 cc It means," said that remarkable female, (C that you men ail 
 makin' fools of yourselves. You air willin' to talk and urge 
 others to go to the wars, but you don't go to the wars yourselves. 
 War meetin's is very nice in their way, but they don't keep 
 Stonewall Jackson from comin' over to Maryland and helpin' 
 himself to the fattest beef critters. What we want is nioro 
 cider and less talk. We want you able-bodied men to stop 
 speechifying, which don't 'mount to the wiggle of a sick cat's 
 tail, and go to n'tin' ; otherwise you can stay to home and take 
 keer of the children, while we wimin will go to the wars ! " 
 
 " Gentl'men," said I, " that's my wife ! Go in, old gal ! " and 
 I throw'd up my ancient white hat in perfeck rapters. 
 
 i( Is this roll-book to be filled up with the names of men or 
 wimin ? " she cried. 
 
 " With men — with men ! " and our quoty was made up that 
 very night. 
 
 There is a great deal of gas about these war meetin's. A 
 war meetin', in fact, without gas, would be suthin' like the play 
 of Hamlet with the part of Othello omitted. 
 
 Still believin' that the Goddess of Liberty is about as well 
 sot up with as any young lady in distress could expect to be, ] 
 am 
 
 Yours more'n anybody else's, 
 
 A. Wakd. 
 
 THE DRAFT IN BALDINSVILLE. 
 
 If I'm drafted I shall resign. 
 
 Deeply grateful for the onexpected honor thus confered upon 
 me I shall feel compeld to resign the position in favor of sum 
 more worthy person. Modesty is what ails me. That's what's 
 kept me under. 
 
 I meanter-say, I shall hav to resign if I'm drafted every wherea 
 I've bin inrold. I must now, furrinstuns, be inrold in upards 
 
128 THE DRAFT IN BALDINSVILLE. 
 
 of 200 different towns. If I'd kept on travelin' I should \f* 
 eventooaly becum a Brigade, in which case I could have held a 
 meetin' and elected myself Brigadeer-ginral quite unanimiss. J 
 hadn't no idea there was so many of me before. But, serisly, ] 
 concluded to stop exhibitin', and made tra?ks for BaldinsvLie. 
 
 My only daughter threw herself onto my boosum, acd gpid, 
 " It is me, fayther ! I thank the gods ! " 
 
 She reads the Ledger. 
 
 " lip us yer bunch of fives, old faker ! " said Artemu&, Jr. 
 He reads the Clipper. 
 
 My wife was to the sowin' circle. I knew she and the 
 wimin folks was havin' a pleasant time slanderin' the females 
 of the other sowin' circle (which likewise met that arternoon, 
 and was doubtless enjoyin' theirselves ekally well in slanderin' 
 the fust-named circle), and I didn't send for her. I alius like 
 to see people enjoy theirselves. 
 
 My son Orgustus was playin' onto a floot. 
 
 Orgustus is a ethereal cuss. The twins was bildin' cob-houses 
 in a corner of the kitchin'. 
 
 It'll cost some postage-stamps to raise this fam'ly, and yet it 
 'ud go hard with the old man to lose any lamb of the flock. 
 
 An old bachelor is a poor critter. He may have hearn the 
 skylark or (what's nearly the same thing) Miss Kellogg and 
 Carlotty Patti sing ; he may have hearn Ole Bull fiddle, 
 and all the Dodworths toot, an' yet he don't know nothin' 
 about music — the real, ginuine thing — the music of the laugh- 
 ter of happy, well-fed children ! And you may ax the father of 
 sich children home to dinner, feelin werry sure there'll be no 
 spoons missin' when he goes away. Sich fathers never drop tin 
 five-cent pieces into the contribution box, nor palm shoe-pega 
 off onto blind hosses for oats, nor skedaddle to British sile when 
 their country's in danger — nor do anything which is really 
 mean. I don't mean to intimate that the old bachelor is up to 
 ittle games of this sort — not at all — but I repeat, he's a poof 
 critter. He don't live here ; only stays. He ought to 'pologize, 
 on behalf of his parients, for bein' here at all. The happy mar 
 
TEE DEAFT IN BALBINBVILLE. 129 
 
 rid man dies in good stile at home, surrounded by his weeping 
 wife and children. The old bachelor don't die at all — he sort 
 of rots away, like a pollywog's tail. 
 
 My townsmen were sort o' demoralized. There was a evident 
 iesine to ewade the Draft, as I obsarved with sorrer, and pat- 
 ritism was below Par — and Mar, too. [ A j ew desprit. ] I hadn't 
 no sooner sot down on the piazzy of the tavoun than I saw six- 
 teen solitary hossmen, ridin' four abreast, wendin' their way up 
 the street. 
 
 " What's them ? Is it cavilry ? " 
 
 " That," said the landlord, " is the stage. Sixteen able- 
 bodied citizens has lately bo't the stage line 'tween here and 
 Scotsburg. That's them. They're Stage-drivers. Stage-drivers 
 is exempt ! " 
 
 I saw that each stage-driver carried a letter in his left hand. 
 
 " The mail is hevy, to-day," said the landlord. " Gin'rally 
 they don't have more'n half a dozen letters 'tween 'em. To-day 
 they've got one apiece ! Bile my lights and liver ! " 
 
 " And the passengers ? " 
 
 " There ain't any, skacely, now-days," said the landlord, iC and 
 what few there is very much prefer to walk, the roads is so rough." 
 
 " And how ist with you ? " I inquired of the editor of the 
 JBugle-Uorn of Liberty, who sot near me. 
 
 " I can't go," he sed, shakin' his head in a wise way. " Or- 
 dinarily I should delight to wade in gore, but my bleedin' coun- 
 try bids me stay at home. It is imperatively necessary that T 
 remain here for the purpuss of announcin' from week to week, 
 that our Gov'ment is about to take vigorous measures to put 
 vloion the rebellion ! " 
 
 I strolled into the village oyster-saloon, where I found Dr. 
 jSchwazey, a leadin' citizen in a state of mind which showed 
 that he'd bin histin' in more'n his share of pizen. 
 
 li Hello, old Beeswax," he bellered ; " how's yer grandmams? 
 When you goin' to feed your stuffed animils ? " 
 6* 
 
130 THE DRAFT IN BALDINSVILLE. 
 
 " What's tlie matter with the eminent physician ? " I pleas- 
 antly inquired. 
 
 cc This," he said ; " this is what's the matter. I'm a habit- 
 ooal drunkard ! I'm exempt ! " 
 
 " Jes' so." 
 
 " Do you see them beans, old man ? " and he pinted to a plate 
 before him. " Do you see 'em ? " 
 
 " I do. They are a cheerful fruit when used tempritly." 
 
 " Well," said he, et I hain't eat anything since last week. I eat 
 beans now because I eat beans then. I never mix my vittles ! " 
 
 " It's quite proper you should eat a little suthin' once in a 
 while," I said. " It's a good idee to occasionally instruct the 
 Btummick that it mustn't depend excloosively on licker for its 
 sustainance." 
 
 il A blessin'," he cried ; i{ a blessin' onto the hed of the man 
 what inwented beans. A blessin' onto his hed ! " 
 
 u Which his name is Gilson ! He's a first family of Bos- 
 tin," said I. 
 
 This is a speciment of how things was goin' in my place of 
 residence. 
 
 A few was true blue. The schoolmaster was among 'em. 
 He greeted me warmly, He said I was welkim to those shores. 
 He said I had a massiv mind. It was gratifyin', he said, to 
 see that great intelleck stalkin' in their midst onct more. 1 
 liave before had occasion to notice this schoolmaster. He 
 in evidently a young man of far more than ord'nary talents. 
 
 The schoolmaster proposed we should git up a mass meetin'. 
 The meethr was largely attended. We held it in the open air, 
 round a roarin' bonfire. 
 
 The schoolmaster was the first orator. He's pretty good oq 
 the speak. He also writes well, his composition bein' seldorr 
 marred by ingrammatticisms. He said this inactivity sur 
 prised him. " What do you expect will come of this kind of 
 
 doin's? mm fit, " 
 
TEE DRAFT IN BALDINSVILLE, 131 
 
 Ci Hooray for Nihil ! " I interrupted. " Fellow-citizens, let'i 
 giv three cheers for Nihil, the man who fit ! " 
 
 The schoolmaster turned a little red, but repeated — " Nihil 
 fit." 
 
 " Exactly," I said. " Nihil fit. He wasn't a strategy fel- 
 ler." 
 
 " Our venerable friend," said the schoolmaster, smilin' pleas- 
 antly, " isn't posted in Virgil." 
 
 " No, I don't know him. But if he's a able-bodied man he 
 must stand his little draft." 
 
 The schoolmaster wound up in eloquent style, and the sub- 
 scriber took the stand. 
 
 I said the crisis had not only cum itself, but it had brought 
 all its relations. It has cum, I said, with a evident intention 
 of makin' us a good long visit. It's goin' to take off its things 
 and stop with us. My wife says so too. This is a good war. 
 For those who like this war, it's just such a kind of war as 
 they like. I'll bet ye. My wife says so too. If the Federal 
 army succeeds in takin' "Washington, and they seem to be 
 advancin' that way pretty often, I shall say it is strategy, and 
 Washington will be safe. And that noble banner, as it were 
 — that banner, as it were — will be a emblem, or rather, I 
 should say, that noble banner — as it were. My wife says so 
 too. [I got a little mixed up here, but they didn't notice it. 
 Keep mum.] Feller citizens, it will be a proud day for this 
 Republic when Washington is safe. My wife says so too. 
 
 The editor of the JBugleSorn of Liberty here arose and 
 said : (( I do not wish to interrupt the gentleman, but a impor- 
 tant despatch has just bin received at the telegraph office here. 
 I will read it. It is as follows : Gov* merit is about to take 
 vigorous measures to put down the rebellion/ [Loud ap- 
 plause.] 
 
 That, said I, is cheering. That's soothing. And Washing 
 ton will be safe. [Sensation.] Philadelphia is safe. Gon. 
 Patterson's in Philadelphia. But my heart bleeds partic'ly 
 for Washington. My wife says so too. 
 
132 THE DRAFT IN BALDWSVILLE. 
 
 There's money enough. No trouble about money. They're 
 got a lot of first-class bank-note engravers at Washington 
 (which place, I regret to say, is by no means safe) who turn 
 out two or three cords of money a day — good money, too. 
 Goes well. These bank-note engravers made good wages. I 
 expect they lay up property. They are full of Union ssenti 
 ment. There is considerable Union sentiment in Yirginny, 
 more especially among the honest farmers of the Shenandoah 
 valley. My wife says so too. 
 
 Then it isn't money we want, But we do want men, and 
 we must have them. We must carry a whidwind of fire 
 among the foe. We must crush the ungrateful rebels who are 
 poundin' the Goddess of Liberty over the head with slung-shots, 
 and stabbin' her with stolen knives ! We must lick 'em quick. 
 We must introduce a large number of first-class funerals among 
 the people of the South. Betsy says so, too. 
 
 This war hain't been too well managed. We all know that 
 What then ? We are all in the same boat — if the boat goes 
 down, we go down with her. Hence we must all fight. It 
 ain't no use to talk now about who caused the war. That's 
 played out. The war is upon us — upon us all — and we must 
 all fight. We can't a reason " the matter with the foe. When, 
 in the broad glare of the noonday sun, a speckled jackass boldly 
 and maliciously kicks over a peanut-stand, do we " reason " 
 with him ? I guess not. And why li reason " with those other 
 Southern people who are trying to kick over the Kepublic ? 
 Betsy, my wife, says so too. 
 
 The meeting broke up with enthusiasm. 
 
 We shan't draft in Baldinsville if we can help it. 
 
SURRENDER OF CORNWALLIS. 133 
 
 SURRENDER OF CORNWALLIS. 
 
 It was customary in many of the inland towns of New Eng- 
 land, some thirty years ago, to celebrate the anniversary of the 
 surrender of Lord Cornwallis by a sham representation of that 
 important event in the history of the Revolutionary War. A 
 town meeting would be called, at which a company of men 
 would be detailed as British, and a company as Americans — 
 two leading citizens being selected to represent Washington and 
 Cornwallis in the mimic surrender. 
 
 The pleasant little town of W , in whose schools the 
 
 writer has been repeatedly " corrected," upon whose ponds he 
 has often skated, upon whose richest orchards he has, with 
 other juvenile bandits, many times dashed in the silent mid- 
 night ; the town of W , where it was popularly believed 
 
 these bandits would " come to a bad end," resolved to celebrate 
 the surrender. Rival towns had celebrated, and W de- 
 termined tr eclipse them in the most signal manner. It is my 
 privilege to tell how W succeeded in this determination. 
 
 The great day came. It was ushered in by the roar of mus- 
 ketry, the ringing of the village church bell, the squeaking of 
 fifes, and the rattling of drums. 
 
 People poured into the village from all over the county. 
 
 Never had W experienced such a jam. Never had there 
 
 been such an onslaught upon gingerbread carts. Never had 
 New England rum (for this was before Neal Dow's day) flowed 
 
 so freely. And W 's fair daughters, who mounted the 
 
 house-tops to see the surrender, had never looked fairer. 
 The old folks came, too, and among them were several war- 
 scarred heroes, who had fought gallantly at Monmouth and 
 Yorktown. These brave sons of '76 took no part in the dem- 
 onstration, but an honored bench was set apart for their exclu- 
 sive use on the piazza of Sile Smith's store. When they were 
 dry, all they had to do was to sing out to Sile's boy, Jerry, " a 
 
134 SURRENDER OF CORNWALLI& 
 
 leetle New Englan' this way, if you please." It was brought 
 forthwith. 
 
 At precisely 9 o'clock, by the schoolmaster's new " Lepeen " 
 watch, the American and British forces marched Lin to the 
 village green and placed themselves in battle array, reminding 
 the spectator of the time when 
 
 "Brave Wolfe drew up his men 
 In a style most pretty, 
 On the Plains of Abraham 
 Before the city." 
 
 The character of Washington had been assigned to 'Squire 
 Wood, a well-to-do and influential farmer, while that of Corn- 
 wallis had been given to the village lawyer, a kind-hearted but 
 rather pompous person, whose name was Caleb Jones. 
 
 'Squire Wood, the Washington of the occasion, had met with 
 many unexpected difficulties in preparing his forces, and in his 
 perplexity he had emptied not only his own canteen but those 
 of most of his aids. The consequence was — mortifying as it 
 must be to all true Americans — blushing as I do to tell it, 
 Washington at the commencement of the mimic struggle was 
 most unqualifiedly drunk. 
 
 The sham fight commenced. Bang ! bang ! bang ! from the 
 Americans — bang ! bang ! bang ! from the British. The bangs 
 were kept hotly up until the powder gave out, and then came 
 the order to charge. Hundreds of wooden bayonets flashed 
 fiercely in the sunlight, each soldier taking very good care not 
 to hit anybody. 
 
 " Thaz (hie) right," shouted Washington, who during the 
 shooting had been racing his horse wildly up and down the 
 line, " thaz right ! Gin it to 'em ! Cut their tarnal heads 
 off! " . 
 
 " On, Romans ! " shrieked Cornwallis, who had once seen a 
 theatrical performance and remembered the heroic appeals of 
 the Thespian belligerents, "on to the fray! No sleep till 
 mornin'." 
 
 "Let eout all their bowels," yelled Washington, " and down 
 with taxation on tea ! " 
 
SURRENDER OF C0RNWALLI8. 135 
 
 The fighting now ceased, the opposing forces were prop- 
 erly arranged, and Cornwaliis, dismounting, prepared to pre- 
 sent his sword to Washington according to programme. As 
 he walked slowly towards the Father of His Country he re 
 hearsed the little speech he had committed for the occasion 
 while the illustrious being who was t j> hear it was making 
 desperate efforts to keep in his saddle. Now he would wildb 
 brandish his sword and narrowly escape cutting off his horse's 
 ears, and then he would fall suddenly forward on to the steed's 
 neck, grasping the mane as drowning men seize hold of straws. 
 He was giving an inimitable representation of Toodles on horse- 
 back. All idea of the magnitude of the occasion had left him, 
 and when he saw Cornwaliis approaching, with slow and 
 stately step, and sword-hilt extended toward him, he inquired, 
 
 " What-'n devil you want, any (hie) how ! " 
 
 "General Washington," said Cornwaliis, in dignified and 
 impressive tones, " I tender you my sword. I need not inform 
 you, Sir, how deeply — 
 
 The speech was here suddenly cut short by Washington, 
 who, driving the spurs into his horse, playfully attempted to 
 run over the commander of the British forces. He was not 
 permitted to do this, for his aids, seeing his unfortunate condi- 
 tion, seized the horse by the bridle, straightened Washington 
 up in his saddle, and requested Cornwaliis to proceed with his 
 remarks. 
 
 " G-eneral Washington," said Cornwaliis, " the British Lion 
 prostrates himself at the feet of the American Eagle ! " 
 
 " Eagle f Eagle ! " yelled the infuriated Washington, roll- 
 ing off his horse and hitting Cornwaliis a frightful blow on the 
 head with the flat of his sword, il do you call me a Eagle, you 
 mean, sneakin' cuss ? " He struck him again, sending him to 
 the ground, and said, " I'll learn you to call me a Eagle, you in- 
 fernal scoundrel ! " 
 
 Cornwaliis remained upon the ground onr/ a moment. 
 Smarting from the blows he had received, he arose with an en- 
 tirely unlooked for recuperation on the part of the fallen, and 
 
136 SURRENDER OF GORNWALLIS. 
 
 in direct defiance of historical example ; in spite of th« 
 men of both nations, indeed, he whipped the Immortal Wash- 
 ington until he roared for mercy. 
 
 The Americans, at first mortified and indignant at the con- 
 duct of their chief, now began to sympathize with him, and 
 resolved to whip their mock foes in earnest. They rushed 
 fiercely upon them, but the British were really the stronger 
 party and drove the Americans ba^k. Not content with this 
 they charged madly upon them and drove them from the 
 field — from the village, in fact. There were many heads dam- 
 aged, eyes draped in mourning, noses fractured and legs lamed 
 — it is a wonder that no one was killed outright. 
 
 Washington was confined to his house for several weeks, but 
 he recovered at last. For a time there was a coolness between 
 himself and Cornwallis, but they finally concluded to join the 
 whole county in laughing about the surrender. 
 
 They live now. Time, the a artist," has thoroughly white- 
 washed their heads, but they are very jolly still. On town- 
 meeting days the old 'Squire always rides down to the village. 
 In the hind part of his venerable yellow wagon is always a 
 bunch of hay, ostensibly for the old white horse, but really to 
 hide a glass bottle from the vulgar gaze. This bottle has on 
 one si.le a likeness of Lafayette, and upon the other may be 
 seen the Goddess of Liberty. What the bottle contains inside 
 I cannot positively say, but it is true that 'Squire Wood and 
 Lawyer Jones visit that bottle very frequently on town-meet- 
 ing days and come back looking quite red in the face. Wlien 
 this redness in the face becomes of the blazing kind, as it gen- 
 erally does by the time the polls close, a short dialogue like this 
 may be heard. 
 
 " We shall never play surrender again, Lawyer Jones ! " 
 
 fi Them days is over, 'Squire Wood ! " 
 
 And then they laugh and jocosely punct each other in the 
 ribs. 
 
THINQ8 IN NEW YORK 137 
 
 THINGS IN NEW YORK. 
 
 The stoodent and connyseer must have noticed and admired 
 in varis parts of the United States of America large yellei 
 hanbills, which not only air gems of art in theirselves, but they 
 troothfully sit forth the attractions of my show — a show, let 
 me here obsarve, that contains many livin' wild animils, every 
 one of which has got a Beautiful Moral. 
 
 Them hanbills is sculpt in New York. 
 
 & I annoolly repair here to git some more on 'urn ; 
 
 &, bein' here, I tho't I'd issoo a Address to the public op 
 matters and things. 
 
 Since last I meyandered these streets, I have bin all ovei 
 the Pacific Slopes and Utah. I cum back now, with my virtoo 
 unimpared, but I've got to git some new clothes. 
 
 Many changes has taken place, even durin' my short absence, 
 &, sum on um is Solium to contempulate. The house in Var- 
 lck street, where I used to Board, is bein' torn down. That 
 house, which was rendered memoriable by my livin' into it, is 
 " parsin' away ! parsin' away ! " But some of the timbers will 
 be made into canes, which will be sold to my admirers at the 
 low price of one dollar each. Thus is changes goin' on contin- 
 erly. In the New World it is war — in the Old World Em- 
 pires is totterin' & Dysentaries is crumblin'. These canes is 
 cheap at a dollar. 
 
 Sammy Booth, Duane street, sculps my hanbills, & he's a 
 artist. He stuiid in Rome — State of New York. 
 
 I'm here to read the proof-sheets of my hanbils as fast aa 
 they're sculpt. You have to watch these ere printers pretty 
 close, for they're jest as apt to spel a wurd rong as anyhow. 
 
 But I have time to look round sum & how do I find things ? 
 I return to the Atlantic States after a absence of ten months, 
 & what State do I find the country in ? Why I don't know 
 
138 THINGS IN NEW YORK. 
 
 what State I find it in. Suffice it to say, that I do not find it 
 in the State of New Jersey. 
 
 There air other cheerin' signs for Ameriky. "We don't, for 
 instuns, lack great Gen'rals, and we certinly don't lack brave 
 sojers — but there's one thing I wish we did lack, and that is 
 our present Congress. 
 
 1 venture to say that if you sarch the earth all over with a 
 ten-hoss power mikriscope, you won't be able to find such ano- 
 ther pack of poppycock gabblers as the present Congress of 
 the United States of America would be able to find — find 
 among their constituents. 
 
 Gentlemen of the Senit & of the House, you've sot there and 
 draw'd your pay and made summer-complaint speeches long 
 enuff. The country at large, incloodin' the undersined, is dis- 
 gusted with you. Why don't you show us a statesman — sum- 
 body who can make a speech that will hit the pop'lar hart 
 right under the Great Public weskit ? Why don't you show 
 us a statesman who can rise up to the Emergency, and cave in 
 the Emergency's head ? 
 
 Congress, you won't do. Go home, you mizzerable devils — 
 go home ! 
 
 At a special Congressional 'lection in my district the other 
 day I delib'ritly voted for Henry Clay. I admit that Henry 
 is dead, but inasmuch as we don't seem to have a live states- 
 man in our National Congress, let us by all means have a first- 
 class corpse. 
 
 Them who think that a cane made from the timbers of the 
 house I once boarded in is essenshal to their happiness, should 
 not delay about sendin' the money right on for one. 
 
 My reported captur by the North American savijis of Utah, 
 led my wide circle of friends and creditors to think that I had 
 bid ad oo to earthly things and was a angel playin' on a golden 
 harp. Hents my rival home was onexpected. 
 
 It was 11, p. m., when I reached my homestid and knockt a 
 healthy knock on the door thereof. 
 
THINGS IN NEW YOBK 139 
 
 A nightcap thrusted itself out of the front chamber winder. 
 * It was my Betsy's nightcap.) And a voice said : 
 
 «« Who is it?" 
 
 " It is a Man ! " I answered, in a gruff vois. 
 
 " I don't b'lieve it ! " she sed. 
 
 " Then come down and search me," I replied. 
 
 Then resumin' my nat'ral voice, I said, "It is your own A 
 VV., Betsy! Sweet lady, wake! Ever of thou! " 
 
 " Oh," she said, " it's you, is it ? I thought I smelt some- 
 thing." 
 
 But the old girl was glad to see me. 
 
 In the mornin' I found that my family were entertainin' a 
 artist from Philadelphy, who was there paintin' some startlin' 
 water-falls and mountins, and I morin suspected he had a hank- 
 erin' for my oldest dauter. 
 
 " Mr. Skimmerhorn, father," sed my dauter. 
 
 " Glad to see you, Sir ! " I replied in a hospittle vois. " Glad 
 to see you." 
 
 (( He is an artist, father," sed my child. 
 
 "A whichist?" 
 
 " An artist. A painter." 
 
 "And glazier," I askt. "Air you a painter and glazier, 
 sir?" 
 
 My dauter and wife was mad, but I couldn't help it ; I felt 
 in a comikil mood. 
 
 " It is a wonder to me, Sir," said the artist, " considerin' 
 what a wide-spread reputation you have, that some of our East- 
 ern managers don't secure you." 
 
 " It's a wonder to me," said I to my wife, " that somebody 
 don't secure him with a chain." 
 
 After breakfast I went over to town to see my old friends. 
 The editor of the Bugle greeted me cordyully, and showed me 
 the follerin' article he'd just written about the paper on the 
 other side of the street : 
 
 " We have recently put up in our office an entirely new 
 sink, of unique construction — with two holes through which 
 
140 IN CANADA. 
 
 the soiled water may pass to the new bucket underneath, 
 What will the hell-hounds of The Advertiser say to this? 
 We shall continue to make improvements as fast as our rapidly 
 increasing business may warrant. Wonder whether a certain 
 editor's wife thinks she can palm off a brass watch-chain os 
 this community for a gold one ? " 
 
 " That," says the Editor, " hits him whar he lives. That 
 will close him up as bad as it did when I wrote an articl e ridi- 
 cooling his sister, who's got a cock-eye." 
 
 A few days after my return I was shown a young man, who 
 says he'll be Dam if he goes to the war. He was settin' on a 
 barrel, & was indeed a Loathsum objeck. 
 
 Last Sunday I heard Parson Batkins preach, and the good 
 old man preached well, too, tho' his prayer was ruther lengthy. 
 The Editor of the Bugle, who was with me, said that prayer 
 would make fifteen squares, solid nonparil. 
 
 I don't think of nothin' more to write about. So, il B'leeva 
 me if all those endearing young charms," &c, &c. 
 
 A. Waed. 
 
 IN CANADA. 
 
 I'm at present existin' under a monikal form of Gov'menfc. 
 In other words I'm travelin' among the crowned heds of Can- 
 ady. They ain't pretty bad people. On the cont'ry, they air 
 exceedin' good people. 
 
 Troo, they air deprived of many blessins. They don't enjoy, j 
 for instans, the priceless boon of a war. They haven't any 
 American Egil to onchain, and they hain't got a Fourth of 
 July to their backs. 
 
 Altho' this is a monikal form of Gov'ment, I am onable to 
 perceeve much moniky. I tried to git a piece in Toronto, but 
 failed to succee 1. 
 
nr canada. 141 
 
 Mrs. Victoria, who is Queen of England an 1 Las all the 
 Luxuries of the markets, incloodin' game in its season, don't 
 bothex herself much about Canady, but lets her do 'bout as she's 
 mighter. She, however, gin'rally keeps her supplied with a 
 lord, who's called a Gov'ner Gin'ral. Sometimes the politicians 
 of Canady make it lively for this lord — for Canady has politi- 
 tians, and I expect they don't differ from our politicians, some 
 of ; em bein' gifted and talented liars, no doubt. 
 
 The present Gov'ner Gin'ral of Canady is Lord Monk. I 
 saw him review some volunteers at Montreal. He was accom- 
 panied by some other lords and dukes and generals and those 
 sort of things. He rode a little bay horse, and his close wasn't 
 any better than mine. You'll always notiss, by the way, that 
 the higher up in the world a man is, the less good harness he 
 puts on. Hence Gin'ral Halleck walks the streets in plain 
 citizen's dress, while the second lieutenant of a volunteer regi- 
 ment piles all the brass things he can find onto his back, and 
 drags a forty-pound sword after him. 
 
 Monk has been in the lord bisniss some time, and I under- 
 stand it pays, tho' I don't know what a lord's wages is. The 
 wages of sin is death and postage stamps. But this has noth- 
 ing to do with Monk. 
 
 One of Lord Monk's daughters rode with him on the field. 
 She has golden hair, a kind, good face, and wore a red hat. I 
 should be very happy to have her pay me and my family a visit 
 at Baldinsville. Come and bring your knittin', Miss Monk. 
 Mrs. Ward will do the fair thing by you. She makes the 
 best slap-jacks in America. As a slap-jackist, she has no ekal. 
 She wears the Belt. 
 
 What the review was all about, I don't; know. I haven't a 
 gigantic intelleck, which can grasp great questions at onct. I 
 am not a Webster or a Seymour. I am not a Washington 
 or a Old Abe. Fur from it. I am not as gifted a man as 
 Henry Ward Beecher. Even the congregation of Plymouth 
 Meetin'-House in Brooklyn will admit that. Yes, I should 
 think so. But while I don't have the slitest idee as to what 
 
142 m CANADA. 
 
 the review was fur, I will state that the sojers looked pooty 
 scrumptious in their red and green close. 
 
 Come with me, jentle reader, to Quebeck. Quebeck waa 
 surveyed and laid out by a gentleman who had been afflicted 
 with the delirium tremens from childhood, and hence his ideea 
 of things was a little irreg'ler. The streets don't lead any 
 wheres in partic'ler, but every where? in gin'ral. The city is 
 bilt on a variety of perpendicler hills, each hill bein' a trine 
 wuss nor t'other one. Quebeck is full of stone walls, and 
 arches, and citadels and things. It is said no foe could ever 
 git into Quebeck, and I guess they couldn't. And I don't see 
 what they'd want to get in there for. 
 
 Quebeck has seen lively times in a warlike way. The 
 French and Britishers had a set-to there in 1759. Jim Wolfe 
 commanded the latters, and Jo. Montcalm the formers. Both 
 were hunky boys, and fit nobly. But Wolfe was too many 
 measles for Montcalm, and the French was slew'd. Wolfe 
 and Montcalm was both killed. In arter years a common 
 monyment was erected by the gen'rous people of Quebeck, 
 aided by a bully Earl named George Dalhousie, to these 
 noble fellows. That was well done. 
 
 Durin' the Revolutionary War B. Arnold made his way, 
 through dense woods and thick snows, from Maine to Quebeck, 
 which it was one of the hunkiest things ever done in the mili- 
 tary line. It would have been better if B. Arnold's funeral 
 had come off immeditly on his arrival there. 
 
 On the Plains of Abraham there was onct some tall fitin', 
 and ever since then there has been a great demand for the 
 bones of the slew'd on that there occasion. But the real gin- 
 ooine bones was long ago carried off, and now the boys make 
 a hansum thing by cartin' the bones of hosses and sheep out 
 there, and sellin' em to intelligent American towerists. Takin' 
 a perfessional view of this dodge, I must say that it betrays 
 genius of a lorfty character. 
 
 It reminded me of a inspired feet of my own. I used to 
 exhibit a wax figger of Henry Wilkins, the Boy Murderer 
 
IK CANADA. 143 
 
 Henry had, in a moment of inadvertence, kilied kis Uncle 
 Ephram and walked off with the old man's money. Well, 
 this stattoo was lost somehow, and not sposin' it would make 
 any particler difference I substitooted the full-grown stattoo of 
 one of my distinguished piruts for the Boy Murderer. One 
 nig] it I exhibited to a poor but honest audience in the town 
 of Stoneham, Maine. " This, ladies and gentlemen," said I, 
 pointing my umbrella (that weapon which is indispensable to 
 every troo American) to the stattoo, " this is a life-like wax 
 figger of the notorious Henry Wilkins, who in the dead of 
 night murdered his Uncle Ephram in cold blood. A sad warn- 
 ing to all uncles havin' murderers for nephews. When a mere 
 child this Henry Wilkins was compelled to go to the Sunday- 
 school. He carried no Sunday-school book. The teacher told 
 him to go home and bring one. He went and returned with 
 a comic song-book. A depraved proceedin'." 
 
 il But," says a man in the audience, iC when you was here 
 before your wax figger represented Henry Wilkins as a boy. 
 Now, Henry was hung, and yet you show him to us now as a 
 full-grown man ! How's that ? " 
 
 " The figger has growd, sir — it has growd," I said. 
 
 I was angry. If it had been in these times I think I should 
 have informed agin him as a traitor to his flag, and had him 
 put in Fort Lafayette. 
 
 I say adoo to Quebeck with regret. It is old fogyish, but 
 chock full of interest. Young gentlemen of a romantic turn of 
 mind, who air botherin' their heads as to how they can spend 
 their father's money, had better see Quebeck. 
 
 Altogether I like Canady. Good people and lots of pretty 
 girls. I wouldn't joind comin' over here to lire in the capacity 
 of a Duke, provided a vacancy occurs, and provided further I 
 eould be allowed a few star-spangled banners, a eagle, a boon 
 of liberty, etc. 
 
 Don't think I've skedaddled. Not at all. I'm coming home 
 in a week. 
 
 Let's have the Union restored as it was, if we can ; but if 
 
144: THE NOBLE BED MAN. 
 
 we can't, Tin in favor of the Union as it wasn't. But the 
 Union, anyhow. 
 
 Gentlemen of the editorial corpse, if you would be happy be 
 virtoous ! I who am the emblem of virtoo, tell you so. 
 
 (Signed,) "A. Ward." 
 
 THE NOBLE EED MAN, 
 
 The red man of the forest was form'ly a very respectful per* 
 son. Justice to the noble aboorygine warrants me in sayin' 
 that orrigernerly he was a majestic cuss. 
 
 At the time Chris, arrove on these shores (I allood to Chris. 
 Columbus), the savajis was virtoous and happy. They were 
 innocent of secession, rum, draw-poker, and sinfulness gin'- 
 rally. They didn't discuss the slavery question as a custom. 
 They had no Congress, faro banks, delirium tremens, or As- 
 sociated Press. Their habits was consequently good. Late 
 suppers, dyspepsy, gas companies, thieves, ward politicians, 
 pretty waiter-girls, and other metropolitan refinements, were 
 unknown amorfg them. No savage in good standing would 
 take postage-stamps. You couldn't have bo't a coon skin with 
 a barrel of 'em. The female Aboorygine never died of con- 
 sumption, because she didn't tie her waist up in whale-bone 
 things ; but in loose and flowin' garments she bounded, with 
 naked feet, over hills and plains, like the wild and frisky an- 
 telope. It was a onlucky moment for us when Chris, sot his 
 foot onto these 'ere shores. It would have been better for us 
 $f the present day if the injins had given him a warm meal 
 and sent him home ore the ragin' billers. For the savages 
 owned the country, and Columbus was a fillibuster. Cortez, 
 Pizarro, and Walker were one-horse fillibusters — Columbus 
 was a four-horse team fillibuster, and a large yaller dog under 
 
ARTEMUS WARD IN RICHMOND. 145 
 
 the wag^in. I say, in view of the mess we are makin' of 
 things, it would have been better for us if Columbus had staid 
 to home. It would have been better for the show bisniss. 
 The circulation of Vanity Fair would be larger, and the pro- 
 prietors would all have boozum pins ! Yes, sir, and perhaps 
 a ten-pin alley. 
 
 By which I don't wish to be understood as intimatin' thai; 
 the scalpin' wretches who are in the injin bisniss at the 
 present day are of any account, or calculated to* make home 
 happy, specially the Sioxes of Minnesoty, who desarve to be 
 murdered in the first degree, and if Pope will only stay in St. 
 Paul and not go near 'em himself, I reckon they will be. 
 
 ARTEMUS WARD IN RICHMOND. 
 
 Richmond, Va., May— 18 &<& 
 OLONZO WARD. 
 
 Afore I comments this letter from the late rebil capitol I 
 desire to cimply say that I hav seen a low and skurrilus noat 
 in the paper from a certin purson who singes hisself Olonzo 
 Ward, & sez Tie is my berruther. I did once hav a berruther 
 of that name, but I do not recugnise him now. To me he is 
 wuss than ded ! I took him from collige sum 16 years ago 
 and gave him a good situation as the Bearded Woman in my 
 Show. How did he repay me for this kindness ? He basely 
 undertook (one day while in a Backynalian mood on rum & 
 right in sight of the aujience in the tent) to stand upon his 
 h3u, whareby he betray'd his sex on account of his boots & his 
 Beard fallin' off his face, thus rooinin' my prospecks in that 
 town, & likewise incurrin' the seris displeasure of the Press, 
 which sed boldly I was triflin with the feelins of a intelligent 
 7 
 
146 ARTEMV8 WARD IN RICHMOND. 
 
 public. I know no such man as Olonzo "Ward. I do not evef 
 ■wish his name breathed in my presents. I do not recognize 
 him. I perfectly disgust him. 
 
 EICHMOND. 
 
 The old man finds hisself once more in a Sunny climb. I 
 cum here a few days arter the city catterpillertulated. 
 
 My naburs seemed surprised & astonisht at this darin' brav- 
 ery onto the part of a man at my time of life, but our family 
 was never know'd to quale in danger's stormy hour. 
 
 My father was a sutler in the Revolootion War. My father 
 once had a intervoo with Gin'ral La Fayette. 
 
 He asked La Fayette to lend him five dollars, promisin' to 
 pay him in the Fall; but Lafy said "he couldn't see it in 
 those lamps." Lafy was French, and his knowledge of our 
 langwidge was a little shaky. 
 
 Immejutly on my 'rival here I perceeded to the Spots wood 
 House, and callin' to my assistans a young man from our town 
 who writes a good runnin' hand, I put my ortograph on the 
 "Register, and handin' my umbrella to a bald-heded man behind 
 the counter, who I s'posed was Mr. Spotswood, I said, " Spotsy, 
 how does she run ? " 
 
 He called a cullud purson, and said, 
 
 " Show the gen'lman to the cowyard, and giv' him cart num- 
 ber 1." 
 
 "Isn't Grant here?" I said. "Perhaps Ulyssis wouldn't 
 mind my turnin' in with him." 
 
 "Do you know the Gin'ral ? " inquired Mr. Spotswood. 
 
 (i Wall, no, not 'zacky ; but he'll remember me. His brother- 
 in-law's Aunt bought her rye meal of my uncle Levi all one 
 winter. My uncle Levi's rye meal was " 
 
 " Pooh ! pooh ! " said Spotsy, " don't bother me," and he 
 shuv'd my umbrella onto the floor. Obsarvin' to him not to 
 be so keerless with that wepin, I accompanid the African to 
 my lodgins. 
 
ARTEMUS WARD IN RICHMOND. 147 
 
 " My brother," I sed, " air you aware that you've bin man* 
 cipated ? Do you realise how glorus it is to be free ? TeL 1 
 me my dear brother, does it not seem like some dreams, or da 
 you realise the great fact in all its livin' and holy magni 
 tood?" 
 
 He sed he would take some gin. 
 
 I was show'd to the cowyard and laid down under % one- 
 mule cart. The hotel was orful crowded, and I was sorry I 
 hadn't gone to the Libby Prison. Tho' I should hav' slept 
 comf 'ble enuff if the bed-clothes hadn't bin pulled off me 
 durin' the night, by a scoundrul who cum and hitched a mule 
 to the cart and druv it off. I thus lost my cuverin', and my 
 throat feels a little husky this mornin'. 
 
 Gin'ral Hulleck offers me the hospitality of the city, givin' 
 me my choice of hospitals. 
 
 He has also very kindly placed at my disposal a small-pox 
 amboolance. 
 
 UNION SENTIMENT. 
 
 There is raly a great deal of Union sentiment in this citv. 
 I see it on ev'ry hand. 
 
 I met a man to-day — I am not at liberty to tell his name, 
 but he is a old and innooentooial citizen of Richmond, and sez 
 he, i( Why ! we've bin fightin' agin the Old Flag ! Lor' blesa 
 me, how sing'lar ! " He then borrer'd five dollars of me and 
 bust into a flood of teers. 
 
 Sed another (a man of standin' and formerly a bitter reb- 
 uel), iC Let us at once stop this effooshun of Blud ! The Old 
 Flag is good enuff for me. Sir," he added, " you air from the 
 North ! Have you a doughnut or a piece of custard pie about 
 
 JOU?" 
 
 I told him no, but I knew a man from Vermont who had 
 just organized a sort of restaurant, where he could go and 
 make a very comfortable breakfast on New England rum and 
 cheese. He borrowed fifty cents of me, and askin' me to send 
 
148 AETEMU8 WARD IN RICHMOND. 
 
 him Wm. Lloyd Garrison's ambrotype as soon ad I got home, 
 he walked off. 
 
 Said another, "There's bin a tremenduous Union feelin* 
 here from the fust. But we was kept down by a rain of 
 terror. Have you a dagerretype of Wendell Phillips about 
 your person? and will you lend me four dollars for a few dava 
 till we air once more a happy and united people." 
 
 JEFF. DAVIS. 
 
 Jeff. Davis is not pop'lar here. She is regarded as a South- 
 ern sympathiser. & yit I'm told he was kind to his Parents. 
 She ran away from 'em many years ago, and has never bin 
 back. This was showin' 'em a good deal of consideration 
 when we reneck what his conduck has been. Her captur in 
 female apparel confooses me in regard to his sex, & you see ] 
 speak of him as a her as frekent as otherwise, & I guess he 
 feels so hisself. 
 
 B. LEE. 
 
 Robert Lee is regarded as a noble feller. 
 
 He was opposed to the war at the fust, and draw'd his sword 
 very reluctant. In fact, he wouldn't hav' drawd his swor4 at 
 all, only he had a large stock of military clothes on hand, 
 which he didn't want to waste. He sez the colored man is 
 right, and he will at once go to New York and open a Sabbath 
 School for negro minstrels. 
 
 THE CONFEDERATE ARMY. 
 
 The surrender of R. Lee, J. Johnston and others leaves the 
 Confedrit Army in a ruther shattered state. That army now 
 consists of Kirby Smith, four mules and a Bass drum, and is 
 movin' rapidly to'rds Texis. 
 
ABTEMU8 WARD IN RICHMOND. 149 
 
 A PROUD AND HAWTY SUTHENER. 
 
 Feelin' a little peckish, I went into a eatin' house to-day, 
 and encountered a young man with long black hair and slender 
 frame. He didn't wear much clothes, and them as he did wear 
 looked onhealthy. He frowned on me, and sed, kinder scorn, 
 ful " So Sir — you come here to taunt us in our hour of trouble, 
 do you ? " 
 
 " No," said I, " I cum here for hash ! " 
 
 " Pish-haw ! " he sed sneerinly, " I mean you air in this city 
 for the purpuss of gloatin' over a fallen peple. Others may 
 basely succumb, but as for me, I will never yield — never, 
 
 « Hav' suthin' to eat ! " I pleasantly suggested. 
 
 " Tripe and onions ! " he sed furcely ; then he added, " J 
 eat with you, but I hate you. You're a low-lived Yankee ! " 
 
 To which I pleasantly replied, "How'l you have your 
 tripe?" 
 
 t( Fried, mudsill ! with plenty of ham-fat ! " 
 
 He et very ravenus. Poor feller ! He had lived on odds 
 and ends for several days, eatin' crackers that had bin turned 
 over by revelers in the bread tray at the bar. 
 
 He got full at last, and his hart softened a little to'ards me. 
 " After all," he sed, " you hav sum peple at the North who aii 
 not wholly loathsum beasts ? " 
 
 " Well, yes," I sed, " we hav' now and then a man among ua 
 who isn't a cold-bluded scoundril. Young man, " I mildly but 
 gravely sed, " this crooil war is over, and you're lickt ! It's 
 rather necessary for sumbody to lick in a good square, lively 
 fite, and in this 'ere case it happens to be the United States of 
 America. You fit splendid, but we was too many for you. 
 Then make the best of it, & let us all give in and put the Re- 
 public on a firmer basis nor ever. 
 
 * I don't gloat over your misfortins, my young fren'. Fur from 
 it. I'm a old man now, & my hart is softer uor it once was. 
 You see my spectacles is misten'd with suthin' very like tears, 
 
150 ARTEMUS WARD TO THE PRINCE OF WALES, 
 
 I'm thinkin' of the sea of good rich Blud that has been spilt oa 
 both sides in this dredful war ! I'm thinkin' of our widders 
 and orfuns North, and of your'n in the South. I kin cry for 
 both. B'leeve me, my young fren', I kin place my old hands 
 tenderly on the fair yung hed of the Yirginny maid whose 
 lover was laid low in the battle dust by a fed'ral bullet, and 
 say, as fervently and pioiisly as a vener'ble sinner like me kin 
 say anythin', God be good to you, my poor dear, my poor 
 dear." 
 
 I riz up to go, & takin' my yung Southern fren', kindly by 
 the hand, I sed, u Yung man, adoo ! You Southern fellers is 
 probly my brothers, tho' you've occasionally had a cussed 
 queer way of showin' it ! It's over now. Let us all jine in 
 and make a country on this continent that shall giv' all Europe 
 the cramp in the stummuck ev'ry time they look at us ! Adoo, 
 adoo ! " 
 
 And as I am through, I'll likewise say adoo to you, jentle 
 reader, merely remarkin' that the Star-Spangled Banner is wa- 
 vin' round loose agin, and that there don't seem to be anything 
 the matter with the Goddess of Liberty beyond a slite cold. 
 
 Artemus Ward. 
 
 ARTEMUS WARD TO THE PRINCE OF WALES. 
 
 Eriend Wales, — You remember me. I saw you in Canady 
 a few years ago. I remember you too. I seldim forgit a per- 
 son. 
 
 I hearn of your marrige to the Printcis Alexandry, & ment 
 ter writ you a congratoolatory letter at the time, but I've 
 bin bildin a barn this summer, & hain't had no time to write 
 letters, to folks. Excoose me. 
 
 Numeris changes has tooken place since we met in the body 
 politic. The body politic, in fack, is sick. I sumtimes think 
 it has got biles, friend Wales. 
 
 Id my country we've got war, while your country, in con* 
 
ABTEMU8 WARD TO TEE PRINCE OF WALES. 151 
 
 junktion with Cap'n Sems of the Alobarmy, manetanes a noo 
 trol position ! 
 
 - I'm fraid I can't write goaks when I sit about it. Oh no 1 
 guess not ! 
 
 Yes, Sir, we've got a war, and the troo Patrit has to make 
 sacrifisses, you bet. 
 
 I have alreddy given two cousins to the war, & I stand reddy 
 to sacrifiss my wife's brother ruther'n not see the rebelyin 
 krusht. And if wuss cums to wuss I'll shed ev'ry drop of 
 blud my able-bodied relations has got to prosekoot the war 
 I think sumbody oughter be prosekooted, & it may as well be 
 the war as any body else. When I git a goakin fit onto me 
 it's no use to try ter stop me. 
 
 You hearn about the draft, friend Wales, no doubt. It causd 
 sum squirmin', but it was fairly conducted, I think, for it hit 
 all classes. It is troo that Wendill Phillips, who is a American 
 citizen of African scent, 'scaped, but so did Vallandiggum, who 
 is Conservativ, and who wus resuntly sent South, tho' he would 
 have bin sent to the Dry Tortoogus if Abe had 'sposed for a 
 minit that the Tortoogusses would keep him. 
 
 We hain't got any daily paper in our town, but we've got 
 a female sewin' circle, which ansers the same purpuss, and we 
 wasn't long in suspents as to who was drafted. 
 
 One young man who was drawd claimed to be exemp because 
 he was the only son of a widow'd mother who supported him. 
 A few able-bodid dead men was drafted, but whether their heirs 
 will have to pay 3 hundrid dollars a peace for 'em is a question 
 foi Whitin', who 'pears to be tinkerin' up this draft bizniss 
 right smart. I hope he makes good wages. 
 % I think most of the conscrips in this place will go. A few 
 will go to Canady, stoppin' on their way at Concord, N. H., 
 where I understan there is a Muslum of Harts. 
 
 You see I'm sassy, friend Wales, hittin' all sides; but no 
 offense is ment. You know I ain't a politician, and never was* 
 I vote for Mr. Union — that's the only candidate I've got. I 
 claim, howsever, to have a well balanced-mind ; tho' my ideea 
 
152 ARTEMU8 WARD TO THE PRINCE OF WALES. 
 
 of a well-balanced mind differs from the idees of a partner J 
 once had, whose name it was Billson. Billson and me orjan* 
 ized a strollin' dramatic company, & we played The Drunkard, 
 or the Falling Saved, with a real drunkard. The play didn't 
 take particlarly, and says Billson to nie> Let's giv 'em some im- 
 moral dramy, We had a large troop onto our hands, consistia' 
 of eight tragedians and a bass drum, but I says, No, Billson ; 
 and then says I, Billson, you hain't got a well-balanced mind 
 Says he, Yes, I have, old hoss-ny (he was a low cuss) — yes, I 
 have. I have a mind, says he, that balances in any direction 
 that the public rekires. That's wot I 3alls a well-balanced mind. 
 I sold out and bid adoo to Billson. He is now an outcast in 
 the State of Vermont. The miser' ble man once played Hamlet 
 There wasn't any orchestry, and wishin' to expire to slow moo- 
 sic, he died playin' on a claironett himself, interspersed with 
 hart-rendin' groans, & such is the world ! Alars ! alars ! how 
 onthankful we air to that Providence which kindly allows us 
 to live and borrow money, and fail and do bizniss ! 
 
 But to return to our subjeck. "With our resunt grate triumps 
 on the Mississippi, the Father of Waters (and them is waters 
 no Father need feel 'shamed of — twig the wittikism ?), and thi- 
 cheerin' look of things in other places, I reckon we shan't want 
 any Muslum of Harts. And what upon airth do the people of 
 Concord, N. H., want a Muslum of Harts for ? Hain't you got 
 the State House now ? & what more do you want ? 
 
 But all this is furrin to the purpuss of this note, arter all. 
 My objeck in now addressin' you is to giv you sum adwice, frienp 
 Wales, about managin' your wife, a bizniss I've had over thirty 
 years experience in. 
 
 You had a good weddin. The papers hav a good deal to say 
 about " vikins " in connexion tharewith. Not knowings what 
 that air, and so I frankly tells you, my noble lord dook of the 
 throne, I can't zackly say whether we hab 'em or not. We 
 was both very much frustrated. But I never injoyed myself 
 better in my life. 
 
 Dowtless, your supper was ahead of our'n. As regards eatin' 
 
Wi» miserable man once plaved Hamlet, and expired to slow music (produced b.v 
 himself as there was no orchestra 1 . See page 152. 
 
ARTEMUS WARD TO THE PRINCE ( F WALES. 15£ 
 
 uses, Baldinsville was allers shaky. But you can git a good 
 meal in New York, & cheap to. You can git half a mackril 
 at Delmonico's or Mr. Mason Dory's for six dollars, and biled 
 pertaters throw'd in. 
 
 As I sed, I manige my wife without any particler trouble. 
 When I fust commenst trainin' her I institooted a series of ex- 
 periments, and them as didn't work I abanding'd. You'd bet- 
 ter do similer. Your wife may objeck to gittin' up and bildin* 
 the fire in the mornin', but if you commence with ber at once 
 you may be able to overkum this prejoodiss. I regret to obsarve 
 that I didn't commence arly enuff. I wouldn't have you s'poso 
 I was ever kicked out of bed. Not at all. I simply say, in regard 
 to bildin' fires, that I didn't commence arly enuff. It was a 
 ruther cold mornin' when I fust proposed the idee to Betsy. 
 It wasn't well received, and I found myself layin' on the flooi 
 putty suddent. I thought I git up and bild the fire myself. 
 
 Of course now you're marrid you can eat onions. I alius 
 did, and if I know my own hart, I alius will. My daughter, 
 who is goin' on 17 and is frisky, says they's disgustin. And speak* 
 in of my daughter reminds me that quite a number of young men 
 have suddenly discovered that I'ma very entertainin' old feller, 
 and they visit us frekently, specially on Sunday evenins. One 
 young chap — a lawyer by habit — don't cum as much as he did. 
 My wife's father lives with us. His intelleck totters a little, and 
 he saves the papers containin' the proceedins of our State Legis- 
 later. The old gen'l'man likes to read out loud, and he reads tol'- 
 ble well. He eats hash freely, which makes his voice clear ; but 
 as he onfortnitly has to spell the most of his words, I may say 
 he reads slow. Wall, whenever this lawyer made his appear- 
 ance I would set the old man a-readin the Legislativ' reports, I 
 kept the young lawyer up one night till 12 o'clock listenin to 
 a lot of acts in regard to a draw-bridge away orf in the east part 
 of the State, havin' sent my daughter to bed at half-past 8. He 
 hasn't bin there since, and I understan' he says I go round swind' 
 Un' the Public. 
 
 I never attempted to reorganize my wife but onct, I shaU 
 7* 
 
154: ARTEMUS WARD TO THE PRINCE OF WALES. 
 
 never attempt agin. I'd bin to a public dinner, and bad allowed 
 myself to be betrayed into drinkin' several people's healths ; and 
 wishin' to make 'em as robust as possible, I continnerd drinkin' 
 their healths until my own became affected. Consekens was, I 
 presented myself at Betsy's bedside late at night with consid'Me 
 linker concealed about my person. I had sumhow got perseshun 
 "oi a hosswhip on my way home, and rememberin' sum cranky 
 observations of Mrs. Ward's in the mornin', I snapt the whip 
 putty lively, and, in a very loud woice, I said, " Betsy, you 
 need reorganizin' ! I have cum, Betsy," I continued — crackin 
 the whip over the bed — ie I have cum to reorganize you ! Ha- 
 ave you per-ayed to-night ? " 
 
 ******* 
 
 I dream'd that sumbody had laid a hosswhip over me sev'ril 
 conseckootiv times ; and when I woke up I found she had. I 
 hain't drank much of anythin' since, and if I ever have another 
 reorganizin' job on hand I shall let it out. 
 
 My wife is 52 years old, and has alius sustaned a good char- 
 acter. She's a good cook. Her mother lived to a vener'ble 
 age, and died while in the act of frying slap-jacks for the County 
 Commissioners. And may no rood hand pluk a flour from her 
 toomstun ! We hain't got any picter of the old lady, because 
 she'd never stand for her ambrotipe, and therefore I can't giv her 
 likeness to the world through the meejum of the illusterated 
 papers ; but as she wasn't a brigadier-gin'ral, particlerly, I don't 
 s'pose they'd publish it, any how. 
 
 It's best to give a woman consid'ble lee- way. But not too 
 much. A naber of mine, Mr. Boofus Minkins, was once very 
 sick with the fever, but his wife moved his bed into the door-yard 
 while she was cleanin' house. I toald Boofus this wasn't the 
 thing, 'specially as it was rainin' vi'lently ; but he said he wanted 
 to giv his wife " a little lee-way." That was 2 mutch. I told 
 Mrs. Minkins that her Boofus would die if he staid out there 
 into the rain much longer ; when she said, 6i It shan't be my 
 fault if he dies unprepared," at the same time tossin' him his 
 mother's Bible. It was orful ! I stood by, however, and 
 
ARTEMUS WARD TO THE PRINCE OF WALES. 155 
 
 nussed him as well's I could, but I was a putty wet-nuss, I tell 
 
 you. 
 
 There's varis ways of managin' a wife, friend Wales, but the 
 best and only safe way is to let her do jist about as she wanta 
 to. I 'dopted that there plan sum time ago, and it works like a 
 
 charm. 
 
 Bemember me kindly to Mrs. Wales, and good luck to you 
 both ! And as years roll by, and accidents begin to happen to 
 you — among which I hope there'll be Twins— you will agree 
 with me that family joys air the only ones a man can bet on 
 with any oertinty of winnin'. 
 
 It may interest you to know that I'm prosperin' in a pecoon 
 ery pint of view. I make 'bout as much in the course of a year 
 as a cab'net offisser does, & I understand my business a good 
 deal better than sum of them do. 
 
 Kespecks to St. George & the Dragon. 
 
 Ever be 'appy 
 A. Ward. 
 
A very Bloody Romance—" Oh that I should live to see 
 myself a ded body ! " screamed the unfortnet man. 
 
 See Page 160. 
 
PAET III. 
 STOEIES AND KOMANOES. 
 
 MOSES THE SASSY; OE, THE DISGUISED DUKE, 
 
 CHAPTER I. ELIZY. 
 
 My story opens in the classic presinks of Bostin. In the 
 parler of a bloated aristocratic mansion on Bacon street 
 sits a luvly young lady, whose hair is cuverd ore with the 
 frosts of between 17 Summers. She has just sot down to 
 the piany, and is warblin the popler ballad called " Smells 
 of the Notion," in which she tells how, with pensiv thought, 
 she wandered by a C beat shore. The son is settin in its 
 horizon, and its gorjus light pores in a golden meller flud 
 through the winders, and makes the young lady twict as beau- 
 tiful nor what she was before, which is onnecessary. She is 
 magnificently dressed up in a Berage basque, with poplin 
 trimmins, More Antique, Ball Morals and 3 ply carpet- 
 ing. Also, considerable gauze. Her dress contains 16 floun- 
 ders and her shoes is red morocker, with gold spangles onto 
 
158 MOSES TEE SASSY. 
 
 them. Presently she jumps up with a wild snort, raid pressin 
 her hands to her brow, she exclaims: "Methinks I see a 
 voice ! " 
 
 A noble youth of 27 summers enters. He is attired in a 
 red shirt and black trowsis, which last air turned up over bis 
 boots ; his hat, which it is a plug, being cockt onto one side 
 of his classical hed. In sooth, he was a heroic lookin person, 
 with a fine shape. Grease, in its barmiest days, near projuced 
 a more hefty cavileer. Gazin upon him admirinly for a spell, 
 Elizy (for that was her name) organized herself into a tabloo, 
 and stated as follers. 
 
 11 Ha ! do me eyes deceive me earsight ? Is it some dreams ? 
 No, I reckon not ! That frame ! them store close ! those 
 nose ! Yes, it is me own, me only Moses ! " 
 
 He (Moses) folded her to his hart, with the remark that he 
 was " a hunkey boy." 
 
 CHAPTER II. — WAS MOSES OF NOBLE BIRTH? 
 
 Moses was foreman of Engine Co. No. 40. Forty's fellers 
 had just bin havin an annual reunion with Fifty's fellers, on 
 the day I introjuce Moses to my readers, and Moses had his 
 arms full of trofees, to wit: 4 scalps, 5 eyes, 3 fingers, 7 ears, 
 (which he chawed off) and several half and quarter sections of 
 noses. When the fair Elizy recovered from her delight at 
 meetin Moses, she said: — "How hast the battle gonest? 
 Tell me ! " 
 
 " We chawed 'em up — that's what we did ! " said the bold 
 Moses; 
 
 " I thank the gods ! " sed the fair Elizy. « Thou did'st 
 excellent well. And, Moses," she eontinnered, layin her hed 
 
MOSES THE SASSY. 159 
 
 confidinly agin his weskit, Ci dost know I sumtimes think thou 
 istest of noble birth ? " 
 
 u No ! " said he, wildly ketchin hold of hisself. " Yon 
 don't say so ! " 
 
 " Indeed do I ! Your dead grandfather's sperrit comesfc to 
 me the tother night." 
 
 " Oh no, I guess it's a mistake," sed Moses. 
 
 " I'll bet two dollars and a quarter he did ! " replied Elizv , 
 * { He said, ' Moses is a Disguised Juke ! ' " 
 
 " You mean Duke," said Moses. 
 
 " Dost not the actors all call it Juke ? " said she. 
 
 That settled the matter. 
 
 " I hav thought of this thing afore," said Moses, abstractedly, 
 u If it is so, then thus it must be ! 2 B or not 2 B ! Which? 
 Sow, sow ! But enuff. O life ! life ! — yov?re too many for 
 me ! " He tore out some of his pretty yeller hair, stampt on 
 the floor sevril times, and was gone. 
 
 CHAPTER III. THE PIRUT FOILED. 
 
 Sixteen long and weary years has elapst since the seens 
 narrated in the last chapter took place. A noble ship, the 
 Sary Jane, is a sailin from France to Ameriky via the "Wabash 
 Canal. A pirut ship is in hot pursoot of the Sary. The pirut 
 capting isn't a man of much principle and intends to kill all 
 the people on bored the Sary and confiscate the wallerbles. 
 The capting of the S. J. is on the pint of givin in, when a fine 
 lookin feller in russet boots and a buffalo overcoat rushes 
 forored and obsarves : 
 
 " Old man ! go down stairs ! Retire to the starbud bulk- 
 hed ! I'll take charge of this Bote ! " 
 
 iC Owdashus cuss ! " yelled the capting, "away with thee or J 
 ihall do mur-rer-der-r-r I " 
 
 * Skurcely," obsarved the stranger, and he drew a diamond- 
 
160 MOSES TEE SASSY. 
 
 hilted fish-knife and cut orf the capting's hed. He exuired 
 shortly, his last words bein, il we are governed too much." 
 
 " People ! " sed the stranger, " I'm the Juke d'Moses I " 
 
 " Old hoss ! " sed a passenger, " methinks thou art bio win ! ' 
 whareupon the Juke cut orf his hed also. 
 
 " Oh that I should live to see myself a dead body! " screamed 
 the unfortnit man. " But don't print any verses about my 
 deth in the newspapers, for if you do I'll haunt ye ! " 
 
 " People ! " sed the Juke, " I alone can save you from yon 
 bloody pirut ! Ho ! a peck of oats ! " The oats was brought, 
 and the Juke, boldly mountin the jibpoop, thro wed them onto 
 the towpath. The pirut rapidly approached, chucklin with 
 fiendish delight at the idee of increasin his ill-gotten gains. 
 But the leadin hoss of the pirut ship stopt suddent on comin 
 to the oats, and commenst for to devour them. In vain the 
 piruts swore and throwd stones and bottles at the hoss — he 
 wouldn't budge a inch. Meanwhile the Sary Jane, her 
 hosses on the full jump, was fast leavin the pirut ship J 
 
 "Onct agin do I escape deth ! " sed the Juke between hi 
 clencht teeth, still on the jibpoop. 
 
 CHAPTER IV. — THE WANDERER'S RETURN. 
 
 The Juke was Moses the Sassy ! Yes, it was ! 
 
 He had bin to France and now he was home agin in Bostin, 
 which gave birth to a Bunker Hill ! ! He had some trouble 
 in gitting hisself acknowledged as Juke in France, as the 
 Orleans Dienasty and Borebones were fernest him, but he 
 finally conkered. Elizy knowd him right off, as one of his ears 
 and a part of his nose had bin chawed off in his fights with 
 opposition firemen durin boyhood's sunny hours. They lived 
 to a green old age, beloved by all, both grate and small. Their 
 children, of which they have numerous, often go up onto the 
 Common and see the Fountain squirt. 
 
MARION-. 161 
 
 'lliis is my 1st attempt at writin a Tail & it is far from bein 
 perfeck, but if I have indoosed folks to see tlat in 9 cases out 
 of 10 they can either make life as barren as the Desert of 
 Sarah, or as joyous as a flower garding, my object will have 
 been accomplished, and more too. 
 
 MARION: 
 
 A ROMANCE OF THE FRENCH SCHOOL. 
 
 I. 
 
 , Friday, , 1860. 
 
 On the sad sea shore! Always to hear the moaning of 
 these dismal waves ! 
 
 Listen. I will tell you my story — my story of love, of 
 misery, of black despair. 
 
 I am a moral Frenchman. 
 
 She whom I adore, whom I adore still, is the wife of a fan 
 Marquis — a lop-eared, blear-eyed, greasy Marquis. A man 
 without soul. A man without sentiment, who cares naught 
 for moonlight and music. A low, practical man, who pays 
 his debts. I hate him. 
 
 II. 
 
 She, my soul's delight, my empress, my angel, is superbly 
 beautiful. 
 
 I loved her at first sight — devotedly, madly. 
 
 She dashed past me in her coupe. I saw her but a moment 
 ■ — perhaps only an instant — but she took me captive then and 
 there, forevermore. 
 
 Forevermore ! 
 
162 MARION. 
 
 I followed her, after that, wherever she went. At length 
 she came to notice, to smile upon me. My moteo was en 
 avant ! That is a French word. I got it out of the back part 
 of Worcester's Dictionary. 
 
 III. 
 
 She wrote me that I might come and see her at her own 
 house. Oh, joy, joy unutterable, to see her at her own 
 house ! 
 
 I went to see her after nightfall, in the soft moonlight. 
 
 She came down the gravelled walk to meet me, on this beau- 
 tiful midsummer night — came to me in pure white, her golden 
 hair in splendid disorder — strangely beautiful, yet in tears ! 
 
 She told me her fresh grievances. 
 
 The Marquis, always a despot^ had latterly misused her most 
 vilely. 
 
 That very morning, at breakfast, he had cursed the fishbails 
 and sneered at the pickled onions. 
 
 She is a good cook. The neighbors will tell you so. And 
 to be told by the base Marquis — a man who, previous to his 
 marriage, had lived at the cheap eating-houses — to be told 
 by him that her manner of frying fishbails was a failure — i+ 
 was too much. 
 
 Her tears fell fast. I too wept. I mixed my sobs with 
 her'n. " Fly with me ! " I cried. 
 
 Her lips met mine. I held her in my arms. I felt her 
 breath upon my cheek ! It was Hunkey. 
 
 " Fly with me. To New York ! I will write romances 
 for the Sunday papers — real French romance?, with morals to 
 them. My style will be appreciated. Shop girls and young 
 mercantile persons will adore it, and I will amass wealth with 
 my ready pen." 
 
 Ere she could reply — ere she could articulate her ecstasy, 
 her husband, the Marquis, crept snake-like upon me. 
 
A ROMANCE— WILLIAM BARKER. 163 
 
 Shall I write it ? He kicked me out of the garden — he 
 kicked me into the street. 
 
 I did not return. How could I ? I, so ethereal, so full of 
 soul, of sentiment, of sparkling originality ! He, so gross, so 
 practical, so lop-eared ! 
 
 Had I returned, the creature would have kicked me again. 
 
 So I left Paris for this place — this place, so lonely, so 
 dismal. 
 
 Ah me! 
 
 Oh dear! 
 
 A ROMANCE. — WILLIAM BARKER, THE YOUNG 
 PATRIOT. 
 
 " No, William Barker, you cannot have my daughter's hand 
 in marriage until you are her equal in wealth and social posi- 
 tion." 
 
 The speaker was a haughty old man of some sixty years, and 
 the person whom he addressed was a fine-looking young man 
 of twenty-five, 
 
 With a sad aspect the young man withdrew from the stately 
 mansion. 
 
 II. 
 
 Six months later the young man stood in the presence of the 
 haughty old man. 
 
 " What ! you here again ? " angrily cried the old man. 
 
 "Ay, old man," proudly exclaimed William Barker. "I 
 am here, your daughter's equal and yours ? " 
 
 The old man's lips curled with scorn. A derisive smile lit 
 up his cold features; when, casting violently uron the marble 
 
164 A ROMANCE— THE CONSCRIPT. 
 
 centre table an enormous roll of greenbacks, William Barkei 
 cried — 
 
 " See ! Look on this wealth. And I've tenfold more ! 
 Listen, old man ! You spurned me from your door. But I 
 did not despair. I secured a contract for furnishing the Army 
 f the with beef " 
 
 " Yes, yes ! " eagerly exclaimed the old man. 
 
 " and I bought up all the disabled cavalry horses I 
 
 could find " 
 
 " I see ! I see ! " cried the old man. " And good beef they 
 make, too." 
 
 il They do ! they do ! and the profits are immense." 
 
 " I should say so ! " 
 
 " And now, sir, I claim your daughter's fair hand ! " 
 
 " Boy, she is yours. But hold ! Look me in the eye. 
 Throughout all this have you been loyal ? " 
 
 " To the core ! " cried William Barker. 
 
 " And," continued the old man, in a voice husky with emo- 
 tion, " are you in favor of a vigorous prosecution of the war ? " 
 
 "lam, lam!" 
 
 " Then, boy, take her ! Maria, child, come hither. Your 
 William claims thee. Be happy, my children ! and whatever 
 our lot in life may be, let us all support the Government!" 
 
 A ROMANCE. — THE CONSCRIPT. 
 
 [Which may bother the reader a little unless he is familiar with the mrsio of the day ] 
 CHAPTER I. 
 
 Philander Heed struggled with spool-thread and tape in a 
 dry-goods store at Ogdensburgh, on the St. Lawrence River, 
 State of New York. He Rallied Round the Flag, Boys, and 
 
A ROMANCE -THE CONSCRIPT. 165 
 
 Hailed Columbia every time she passed that way. One day a 
 regiment returning from the war Came Marching Along, bring- 
 ing An Intelligent Contraband with them, who left the South 
 about the time Babylon was a-Fallin', and when it was appar- 
 ent to all well-ordered minds that the Kingdom was Coming, 
 accompanied by the Day of Jubiloo. Philander left his spool- 
 thread and tape, rushed into the street, and by his Long-Tail 
 Blue, said, " Let me kiss him for his Mother." Then, with 
 patriotic jocularity, he inquired, " How is your High Daddy in 
 the Morning? " to which Pomp of Cudjo's Cave replied, " That 
 poor Old Slave has gone to rest, we ne'er shall see him more ! 
 But U. S. G. is the man for me, or Any Other Man." Then 
 he Walked Pound. 
 
 (l And your Master," said Philander, " where is he ? " 
 
 "Massa's in the cold, cold ground — at least I hope so!" 
 said the gay contraband. 
 
 il March on, March on! all hearts rejoice!" cried the 
 Colonel, who was mounted on a Bob-tailed nag — on which, in 
 times of Peace, my soul, O Peace ! he had betted his money. 
 
 " Yaw," said a German Bold Sojer Boy, " we don't-fights- 
 mit-Segel as much as we did." 
 
 The regiment marched on, and Philander betook himself to 
 his mother's Cottage Near the Banks of that Lone River, and 
 rehearsed the stirring speech he was to make that night at a 
 war meeting. 
 
 " It's just before the battle, Mother," he said, " and I want 
 to say something that will encourage Grant," 
 
 CHAPTER II. MABEL. 
 
 Mabel Tucker was an orphan. Her father, Dan Tucker, 
 was run over one day by a train of cars, though he needn't 
 have been, for the kind-hearted engineer told him to Gib Out 
 of the Way. 
 
 Mabel early manifested a marked inclination for the milli- 
 
106 A ROMANCE— THE CONSCRIPT. 
 
 nery business, and at the time we introduce her to our readers 
 she was Chief Engineer of a Millinery Shop and Boss of a Sew- 
 ing Machine. 
 
 Philander Reed loved Mabel Tucker, and Ever of her was 
 Fondly Dreaming ; and she used to say, " Will you love me 
 Then as Now ? " to which he would answer that he would, and 
 vdthout the written consent of his parents. 
 
 She sat in the parlor of the Cot where she was Born, one 
 Summer's eve, with pensive thought, when Somebody came 
 Knocking at the Door. It was Philander. Fond Embrace and 
 things. Thrilling emotions. P. very pale and shaky in the 
 legs. Also, sweaty. 
 
 11 Where hast thou been ? " she said. " Hast been gathering 
 shells from youth to age, and then leaving them like a che-eild ? 
 Why this tremors ? Why these Sadfulness ? " 
 
 " Mabeyuel ! " he cried, " Mabeyuel ! They've Drafted me 
 into the Army ! " 
 
 An Orderly Sergeant now appears and says, " Come, Phil- 
 ander, let's be a-marching ; " and he tore her from his embrace 
 (P.'s) and marched the conscript to the Examining Surgeon's 
 office. 
 
 Mabel fainted in two places. It was worse than Brothers 
 Fainting at the Door. 
 
 CHAPTER III. THE CONSCRIPT. 
 
 Philander Reed hadn't three hundred dollars, being a dead- 
 broken Reed, so he must either become one of the noble Band 
 who are Coming, Father Abraham, three hundred thousand 
 more, or skeddadle across the St. Lawrence River to the 
 Canada Line. A.s his opinions had recently undergone a 
 radical change, he chose the latter course, and was soon Afloat, 
 afloat, on the swift-rolling tide. " Row, brothers, row,'' he 
 cried, "the stream runs fast, the Sergeant is near, and thfl 
 Zamination's past, and I'm a able-bodied man." 
 
A ROMANCE— THE CONSCRIPT. 167 
 
 Landing he at once imprinted a conservative kiss en the 
 Canada Line, and feelingly asked himself, "Who will care for 
 Mother now ? But I propose to stick it out on this Line if it 
 takes all Summer." 
 
 CHAPTER IV. THE MEETING. 
 
 It was evening, it was. The Star of the Evening, Beautiful 
 Star, shone brilliantly, adorning the sky with those Neutral 
 tints which have characterized all British skies ever since this 
 War broke out. 
 
 Philander sat on the Canada Line, playing with his Yard- 
 stick, and perhaps about to take the measure of an unmade 
 piece of calico ; when Mabel, with a wild cry of joy, sprang 
 from a small-boat to his side. The meeting was too much. 
 They divided a good square faint between them this time. At 
 last Philander found his utterance, and said, " Do they think 
 of me at Home, do they ever think of me ? " 
 
 " No," she replied, " but they do at the recruiting office." 
 
 "Ha! 'tis well." 
 
 "Nay, dearest," Mabel pleaded, "come home and go to the 
 war like a man ! I will take your place in the Dry Goods 
 store. . True, a musket is a little heavier than a yardstick, but 
 isn't it a rather more manly weapon ? " 
 
 " I don't see it," was Philander's reply ; " besides, this war 
 isn't conducted accordin' to the Constitution and Union. 
 When it is — when it is, Mabeyuel, I will return and enlist 
 us a Convalescent ! " 
 
 " Then, sir," she said, with much American disgust in her 
 countenance, " then, sir, farewell ! " 
 
 " Farewell ! " he said, " and When this Cruel War is Over, 
 pray that we may meet again ! " 
 
 " Nary ! " cried Mabel, her eyes flashing warm fire, — " nary ! 
 None but the Brave deserve the Sanitary Fair ! A man whe 
 will desert his country in its hour of trial would drop Fare 
 checks into the Contribution Box on Sunday. I hain't Got 
 
-t>8 A ROMANCE— ONLY A MECHANZV. 
 
 time to tarry — I hain't got time to stay ! — but here's a gift 
 at parting : a White Feather : wear it in your hat ! " and She 
 was Gone from his gaze, like a beautiful dream. 
 
 Stung with remorse and mosquitoes, this miserable young 
 man, in a lit of frenzy, unsheathed his glittering dry-goods scis- 
 sors, cut off four yards (good measure) of the Canada Line, and 
 hanged himself on a Willow Tree. Requiescat in Tape. His 
 stick drifted to My Country, 'tis of thee ! and may oe seen, in 
 connection with many others, on the stage of any New York 
 theatre every night. 
 
 The Canadians won't have any line pretty soon. The skedad- 
 dlers will steal it. Then the Canadians won't know whether 
 they're in the United States or not, in which case they may be 
 drafted. 
 
 Mabel married a Brigadier-General, and is happy. 
 
 A ROMANCE. — ONLY A MECHANIC. 
 
 In a sumptuously furnished parlor in Fifth Avenue, New 
 York, sat a proud and haughty belle. Her name was Isabel 
 Sawtelle. Her father was a millionnaire, and his ships, richly 
 laden, ploughed many a sea. 
 
 By the side of Isabel Sawtelle sat a young man with a clear, 
 beautiful eye, and a massive brow. 
 
 " I must go," he said, a the foreman will wonder at my 
 absence." 
 
 " The foreman ? " asked Isabel in a tone of surprise. 
 
 <l Yes, the foreman of the shop where I work." 
 
 u Foreman — shop — work / What ! do you work." 
 
 " Aye, Miss Sawtelle ! I am a cooper ! " and his eyea 
 flashed with honest pride. 
 
 (i What's that ? " she asked ; " it is something about barrels, 
 iau'tit!" 
 
ROBERTO THE ROVER. 169 
 
 " It is ! " lie said, with a flashing nostril. " And hogsheads." 
 " Then go ! " she said, in a tone of disdain — " go away ! " 
 (l Ha ! " he cried, " you spurn me, then, because I am a me- 
 chanic. Well, be it so! though the time will come, Isabel 
 Sawtelle," he added, and nothing could exceed his looks at this 
 moment — "when you will bitterly remember the cooper you 
 now so cruelly cast off! Farewell!" 
 
 Years rolled on. Isabel Sawtelle married a miserable aristo- 
 crat, who recently died of delirium tremens. Her father failed, 
 and is now a raving maniac, and wants to bite little children. 
 All her brothers (except one) were sent to the penitentiary for 
 burglary, and her mother peddles clams that are stolen for her 
 by little George, her only son that has his freedom. Isabel's 
 sister Bianca rides an immoral spotted horse in the circus, her 
 husband having long since been hanged for murdering his own 
 uncle on his mother's side. Thus we see that it is always best 
 to marry a mechanic. 
 
 ROBERTO THE ROVER: — A TALE OF SEA AND 
 SHORE. 
 
 CHAPTER I. — FRANCE. 
 
 Our story opens in the early part of the year 17 — . France 
 was rocking wildly from centre to circumference. The arch 
 despot and unscrupulous man, Richard the III., was trembling 
 like an aspen leaf upon his throne. He had been successful, 
 through the valuable aid of Richelieu and Sir ¥m. Donn, 
 in destroying the Orleans Dysentery, but still he trembled I 
 
170 ROBERTO THE ROVER 
 
 O'Mulligan, the snake-eater of Ireland, and Sclmappsgcot of 
 Holland, a retired dealer in gin and sardines, had united their 
 forces — some nineteen men and a brace of bull pups in all — 
 and were overtly at work, their object being to oust the tyrant. 
 O'Mulligan was a young man between fifty-three years of age, 
 and was chiefly distinguished for being the son of his aunt on 
 his great grandfather's side. Schnappsgoot was a man of liberal 
 education, having passed three weeks at Oberlin College. He 
 was a man of great hardihood, also, and would frequently read 
 an entire column of "railway matters" in the Cleveland 
 Herald without shrieking with agony. 
 
 CHAPTER II. THE KING. 
 
 The tyrant Richard the III. (late Mr. Gloster) sat upon his 
 throne in the Palace d' St. Cloud. He was dressed in his best 
 clothes, and gorgeous trappings surrounded him everywhere. 
 Courtiers, in glittering and golden armor, stood ready at his 
 beck. He sat moodily for a while, when suddenly his sword 
 flashed from its silvern scabbard, and he shouted — 
 
 " Slaves, some wine, ho ! " 
 
 The words had scarcely escaped his lips ere a bucket of 
 champagne and a hoe were placed before him. 
 
 As the king raised the bucket to his lips, a deep voice near 
 by, proceeding from the mouth of the noble Count Staghisnibs, 
 cried — " Drink hearty, old feller." 
 
 " Reports, travelling on lightning- wings, whisper of strange 
 goings on and cuttings up throughout this kingdom. Knowest 
 thou aught of these things, most noble Hellitysplit ? " and the 
 king drew from the upper pocket of his gold-faced vest a paper 
 cf John Anderson's solace and proceeded to take a chaw. 
 
 "Treason stalks monster-like throughout unhappy France, 
 my liege ! " said the noble Hellitysplit. K The ranks of the P. 
 Q. R.'s are daily swelling, and the G. R. J. A.'s are constantly 
 on the increase. Already the peasantry scout at cat-fish, and 
 
ROBERTO THE MO VER. 171 
 
 demand pickled salmon for their noonday repasts. Bat, my 
 liege," and the brave Hellitysplit's eyes flashed fire, " myself 
 and sword are at thy command ! " 
 
 11 Bully for you, Count," said the king. " But soft : me- 
 thinks report — perchance unjustly — hast spoken suspiciously 
 of thee, most Royal d' Sardine ? How is this ? Is it a news- 
 paper yarn ? What's up ? " 
 
 D' Sardine meekly approached the throne, knelt at the 
 king's feet, and said : " Most patient, gray, and red-headed 
 skinner; my very approved shin-plaster : that I've been asked 
 to drink by the P. Q. R.'s, it is most true ; true, I have im- 
 bibed sundry mugs of lager with them. The very head and 
 front of my offending hath this extent, no more." 
 
 " 'Tis well ! " said the King, rising and looking fiercely 
 around. t( Hadst thou proved false I would with my own good 
 sword have cut off yer head, and spilled your ber-lud all over 
 the floor ! If I wouldn't, blow me ! " 
 
 CHAPTER III. THE ROVER. 
 
 Thrilling as the scenes depicted in the preceding chapter 
 indubitably were, those of this are decidedly thrillinger. 
 Again are we in the mighty presence of the King, and again is 
 he surrounded by splendor and gorgeously-mailed courtiers. A 
 sea-faring man stands before him. It is Roberto the Rover, 
 disguised as a common sailor. 
 
 "So," said the King, "thou wouldst have audience with 
 me!" 
 
 "Aye, aye, yer 'onor," said the sailor, "just tip us yer 
 grapplin irons and pipe all hands on deck. Reef home yer jib- 
 poop and splice yer main topsuls. Man the jibboom and let fly 
 yer top-gallunts. I've seen some salt water in my days, yer land 
 lubber, but shiver my timbers if I hadn't rather coast among 
 seagulls than landsharks. My name is Sweet William. 
 You're old Dick the Three! Ahoy! Awast! Dam my 
 eyes ! " and Sweet William pawed the marble floor and swung 
 
172 ROBERTO TEE ROVER. 
 
 his tarpaulin after the manner of sailors on the stage, and con- 
 sequently not a bit like those on shipboard. 
 
 " Mariner," said the King, gravely, ■■ thy language is exceed- 
 ing lucid, and leads me to infer that things is workin' bad." 
 
 " Aye, aye, my hearty ! " yelled Sweet William, in dulcet 
 strains, reminding the "King of the "voluptuous smell of 
 physic," spoken of by the late Mr. Byron. 
 
 " What wouldst thou, seafaring man ? " asked the King. 
 
 ci This ! " cried the Rover, suddenly taking off his maritime 
 clothing and putting on an expensive suit of silk, bespangled 
 with diamonds. " This ! I am Roberto the Rover ! " 
 
 The King was thunder-struck. Cowering back in his chair 
 of state, he said in a tone of mingled fear and amazement, 
 li Well, may I be gaul-darned ! " 
 
 " Ber-lud ! ber-lud ! ber-lud ! " shrieked the Rover, as he 
 drew a horse-pistol and fired it at the King, who fell fatally 
 killed, his last words being, "We are governed too much 
 — this is the last of earth ! ! !" At this exciting junc- 
 ture Messrs. O'Mulligan and Schnappsgoot (who had previ- 
 ously entered into a copartnership with the Rover for the 
 purpose of doing a general killing business) burst into the 
 room and cut off the heads and let out the inwards of all the 
 noblemen they encountered. They then killed themselves and 
 died like heroes, wrapped up in the Star Spangled Banner, to 
 slow music. ^____ 
 
 FINALE. 
 
 The Rover fled. He was captured near Marseilles and 
 thrust into prison, where he lay for sixteen weary years, all 
 attempts to escape being futile. One night a lucky thought 
 struck him. He raised the window and got out. But he was 
 unhappy. Remorse and dyspepsia preyed upon his vitals. 
 He tried Bcerhave's Holland Bitters and the Retired Physi- 
 cian's Sands of Life, and got well. He then married the 
 lovely Countess D' Smith, and lived to a green old age, being 
 the triumph of virtue and downfall of vice. 
 
BED EAJ7D: A TALjS OF REVENGE. 173 
 
 RED HAND: A TALE OF REVENGE. 
 
 CHAPTER I. 
 
 "Life's but a walking shadow^— a poor player." — Shakespeare. 
 "Let me die to sweet music." — J. W. Shuckers. 
 
 " Go forth, Clarence Stanley ! Hence to the bleak world, 
 dog! You have repaid my generosity with the blackest in- 
 gratitude. You have forged my name on a five thousand 
 dollar check — have repeatedly robbed my money drawer — ■ 
 have perpetrated a long series of high-handed villanies, and 
 now to-night, because, forsooth, I'll not give you more money 
 to spend on your dissolute companions, you break a chair over 
 my aged head. Away ! You are a young man of small moral 
 principle. Don't ever speak to me again ! " 
 
 These harsh words fell from the lips of Horace Blinker, one 
 of the merchant princes of New York City. He spoke to 
 Clarence Stanley, his adopted son and a beautiful youth of 
 nineteen summers. In vain did Clarence plead his poverty, 
 his tender age, and inexperience ; in vain did he fasten those 
 lustrous blue eyes of his appealingly and tearfully upon Mr. * 
 Blinker, and tell him he would make the pecuniary matter all 
 right in the fall, and that he merely shattered a chair over his 
 head by way of a joke. The stony-hearted man was remorse- 
 less, and that night Clarence Stanley became a wanderer in the 
 wide, wide world ! As he went forth he uttered these words : 
 "R. Blinker, beware! A Bed Hand is around, my fina 
 eller!" 
 
174 BED HAND: A TALE OF REVENGE. 
 
 CHAPTER II. 
 
 •• a man of strange, wild mien — one who has seen trouble. " — Sir Walter Scott 
 
 " You ask me, don't I wish to see the Constitution dissolved and broken up. I answer, 
 nevtr, never, never I " — E. W. Faxon. 
 
 " They will join our expedition." — Anon. 
 
 "Go in on your muscle." — President Buchanan's instructions to the Collector oj 
 Toledo. 
 
 "Westward the hoe of Empire Stars its way.* — George iV. True. 
 
 "Where liberty dwells there is my kedentry." — C. B. Dennett. 
 
 Seventeen years have become ingulfed in the vast and 
 moist ocean of eternity since the scene depicted in the last 
 chapter occurred. We are in Mexico. Come with me to the 
 Scarlet Banditti's cave. It is night. A tempest is raging 
 tempestuously without, but within we find a scene of dazzling 
 magnificence. The cave is spacious. Chandeliers of solid gold 
 hang up suspended round the gorgeously furnished room, and 
 the marble floor is star-studded with flashing diamonds. It 
 must have cost between two hundred dollars to fit this cave 
 up. It embraced all of the modern improvements. At the 
 head of the cave life-size photographs (by Byder) of the ban- 
 dits, and framed in gilt, were hung up suspended. The bandits 
 were seated around a marble table, which was sculped regard- 
 less of expense, and were drinking gin and molasses out of 
 golden goblets. When they got out of gin fresh supplies were 
 brought in by slaves from a two-horse wagon outside, which 
 had been captured that day, after a desperate and bloody strug- 
 gle, by the bandits, on the plains of Buena Vista. 
 
 At the head of the table sat the Chief. His features were 
 swarthy but elegant. He was splendidly dressed in new 
 clothes, and had that voluptuous, dreamy air of grandeur about 
 him which would at once rivet the gaze of folks generally. In 
 answer to a highly enthusiastic call he arose and delivered an 
 able and eloquent speech. We regret that our space does not 
 permit us to give this truly great speech in full — we can 
 merely give a synopsis of the distinguished speaker's remarks : 
 11 Comrades ! listen to your chief. You all know my position 
 
RED HAND: A TALE OF REVENGE. 175 
 
 on Lecompton. Where I stand in regard to low tolls on the 
 Ohio Canal is equally clear to you, and so with the Central 
 American question. I believe I understand my little Biz. ] 
 decline denning my position on the Horse Railroad until after 
 the Spring Election. Whichever way I says I don't say so 
 myself unless T says so also. Comrades ! be virtuous and 
 you'll be happy." The Chief sat down amidst great applause, 
 and was immediately presented with an elegant gold-headed 
 cane by his comrades, as a slight testimonial of their respect. 
 
 CHAPTER III. 
 
 " This is the last of Earth." — Page. 
 
 " The hope of America lies in its well-cond acted school-houses." — Bone. 
 
 " I wish it to be distinctly understood that I want the Union to be Reserved." — N. T. 
 Wash. 
 
 "Sine qua non Ips Dixit Quid pro quo cui bono Ad infinitim E Unibus plurum." — 
 Brown. 
 
 Two hours later. Return we again to the Banditti's Cave. 
 Revelry still holds high carnival among the able and efficient 
 bandits. A knock is heard at the door. From his throne at 
 the head of the table the Chief cries, " Come in ! " and an old 
 man, haggard, white-haired, and sadly bent, enters the cave. 
 
 "Messieurs," he tremblingly ejaculates, "for seventeen 
 years I have not tasted of food ! " 
 
 " Well," says a kind-hearted bandit, " if that's so I expect 
 you must be rather faint. We'll get you up a warm meal im- 
 mediately, stranger." 
 
 " Hold ! " whispered the Chief in tones of thunder, and 
 rushing slowly to the spot ; " this is about played out. Behold 
 in me Red Hand, the Bandit Chief, once Clarence Stanley, 
 whom you cruelly turned into a cold world seventeen years 
 ago this very night ! Old man, prepare to go up ! " Saying 
 which the Chief drew a sharp carving knife and cut off Mr. 
 Blinker's ears He then scalped Mr. B., and cut all of hi* 
 
176 BED HAJW: A TALE OF REVENGE. 
 
 toes off. The old man struggled to extricate himself from hia 
 unpleasant situation, but was unsuccessful. 
 
 "My goodness," he piteously exclaimed, "I must say you 
 are pretty rough. It seems to me — ." 
 
 This is all of this intensely interesting tale that will be pub» 
 lished in the Plain Dealer. The remainder of it may be 
 found in the great moral family paper, " The Windy Flash," 
 published in New York, by Stimpkins. The Windy Flash cir- 
 culates 4,000,000 copies weekly. 
 
 IT IS THE ALL-FIREDEST PAPER EVER PRINTED. 
 IT IS THE ALL-FIREDEST PAPER EVER PRINTED. 
 IT IS THE ALL-FIREDEST PAPER EVER PRINTED. 
 IT IS THE ALL-FIREDEST PAPER EVER PRINTED. 
 
 it's THE CUSSEDEST BEST PAPER IN THE WORLD, 
 
 IT'S THE CUSSEDEST BEST PAPER IN THE WORLD. 
 it's A MORAL PAPER. 
 
 it's a moral paper, 
 it's a moral paper, 
 it's a moral paper. 
 
 sold at all the corner groceries. 
 sold at all the corner groceries. 
 sold at all the corner groceries. 
 8dld at all the corner groceries. 
 
PTROTECENT. 177 
 
 PYROTECHNY. 
 
 I. — THE PEACEFUL HAMLET. 
 
 Nestling among the grand hills of New Hampshire, in the 
 United States of America, is a village called Waterbuiy. 
 
 Perhaps you were never there. 
 
 I do not censure you if you never were. 
 
 One can get on very well without going to Waterbury. 
 
 Indeed, there are millions of meritorious persons who were 
 never there, and yet they are happy. 
 
 In this peaceful hamlet lived a young man named PettingilL 
 
 Reuben PettingilL 
 
 He was an agriculturist. 
 
 A broad-shouldered, deep-chested agriculturist. 
 
 He was contented to live in this peaceful hamlet. 
 
 He said it was better than a noisy Othello. 
 
 Thus do these simple children of nature joke in a first class 
 manner. 
 
 II. — MYSELF. 
 
 I write this romance in the French style. 
 
 Yes: something that way. 
 
 The French style consists of making just as many paragraphs 
 rs possible. 
 
 Thus one may nil up a column in a very short time. 
 
 I am paid by the column, and the quicker I can fill up a 
 column — but this is a matter to which we will not refer. 
 
 We will let this matter pass. 
 8* 
 
178 PYROTECHNY. 
 
 III. — PETTINGILL. 
 
 Reuben Pettingill was extremely industrious. 
 
 He worked hard all the year round on his father's littl* 
 farm. 
 
 Right he was ! Industry is a very fine thing. 
 
 It is one of the finest things of which we have any knowledge. 
 
 Yet do not frown, " do not weep for me," when I state that 
 I don't like it. 
 
 It doesn't agree with me. 
 
 I prefer indolence. 
 
 I am happiest when I am idle. 
 
 I could live for months without performing any kind of la- 
 bor, and at the expiration of that time I should feel fresh ana 
 vigorous enough to go right on in the same way for numerous 
 more months. 
 
 This should not surprise you. 
 
 Nothing that a modern novellist does should excite astonish- 
 ment in any well-regulated mind. 
 
 IV. INDEPENDENCE DAY. 
 
 The 4th of July is always celebrated in America with guns, 
 and processions, and banners, and all those things. 
 
 You know why we celebrate this day. 
 
 The American Revolution, in 1775, was perhaps one of the 
 finest revolutions that was ever seen. But I have not time to 
 give you a full history of the American Revolution. It would 
 consume years to do it, and I might weary you. 
 
 One 4th of July Reuben Pettingill went to Boston. 
 
 He saw great sights. 
 
 He saw the dense throng of people, the gay volunteers, the 
 banners, and, above all, he saw the fireworks. 
 
 I despise myself for using so low a word, but the fireworks 
 <« licked "him. 
 
PTROTEGRNT. 179 
 
 A new world was opened to this young man. 
 
 He returned to his parents and the little farm among the 
 hills, with his heart full of fireworks. 
 
 lie said, " I will make some myself." 
 
 He said this while eating a lobster on top of the coach. 
 
 He was an extraordinary skilful young man in the use of a 
 common clasp-knife. 
 
 With that simple weapon he could make, from soft wood, 
 horses, dogs, cats, &c. He carved excellent soldiers also. 
 
 I remember his masterpiece. 
 
 It was (i Napoleon crossing the Alps." 
 
 Looking at it critically, I should say it was rather short of 
 Alps. 
 
 An Alp or two more would have improved it: but, as a 
 whole, it was a wonderful piece of work ; and what a wonderful 
 piece of work is a wooden man, when his legs and arms are all 
 right. 
 
 V. — WHAT THIS YOUNG MAN SAID. 
 
 He said, " I can make just as good fireworks as them in 
 Boston." 
 
 " Them " was not grammatical, but why care for grammar as 
 long as we are good ? 
 
 VI. — THE FATHER'S TEARS. 
 
 Pettingiil neglected the farm. 
 
 He said that it might till itself — he should manufacture 
 Borne gorgeous fireworks, and exhibit them on the village green 
 on the next 4th of July. 
 
 He said the Eagle of Fame would flap his wings over their 
 humble roof ere many months should pass away. 
 
 " If he does," said old Mr. Pettingiil, " we must shoot him, 
 and bile him, and eat him, because we shall be rather short of 
 moat, my son, if you go on in this lazy way." 
 
180 PTBOTECENT. 
 
 And the old man wept. 
 He shed over 120 gallons of tears. 
 
 That is to say, a puncheon. But by all means let lis avoid 
 turning this romance into a farce. 
 
 VII. — PYROTECHNY. 
 
 But the headstrong young man went to work, making fire- 
 works. 
 
 He bought and carefully studied a work on pyTotechny. 
 
 The villagers knew that he was a remarkably skilful young 
 man, and they all said, "We shall have a great treat next 4th 
 of July." 
 
 Meanwhile Pettingill worked away. 
 
 VIII. — THE DAY. 
 
 The great day came at last. 
 
 Thousands poured into the little village from far and nea 
 
 There was an oration, of course. 
 
 IX. — ORATORY IN AMERICA. 
 
 Yea; there was an oration. 
 
 We have a passion for oratory in America — political ora- 
 tory chiefly. 
 
 Our political orators never lose a chance to " express their 
 views ," 
 
 They will do it. You cannot stop them. 
 
 There was an execution in Ohio one day, and the Sheriff, 
 before placing the rope round the murderer's neck, asked him 
 if he had any remarks to make ? 
 
 " If he hasn't," said a well-known local orator, pushing his 
 
PTROTECENT. 181 
 
 way rapidly through the dense crowd to the gallows — "if our, 
 ill-starred feller-citizen don't feel inclined to make a speech 
 and is in no hurry, I should like to avail myself of the present 
 occasion to make some remarks on the necessity of a new pro- 
 tective tariif! " 
 
 x. — pettinoill's fireworks. 
 
 As I said in Chapter VIII., there was an oration. There 
 were also processions, and guns, and banners. 
 
 " This evening," said the chairman of the committee of ar- 
 rangements, (l this evening, fellow-citizens, there will be a grand 
 display of fireworks on the village green, superintended by the 
 inventor and manufacturer, our public-spirited townsman, Mr. 
 Reuben Pettingill." 
 
 Night closed in, and an immense concourse of people gath 
 ered on the village green. 
 
 On a raised platform, amidst his fireworks, stood Pettingill. 
 
 He felt that the great hour of his life was come, and, in a 
 firm, clear voice, he said : 
 
 " The fust fireworks, feller-citizens, will be a rocket, which 
 will go up in the air, bust, and assume the shape of a serpint." 
 
 He applied a match to the rocket, but instead of going up in 
 the air, it flew wildly down into the grass, running some dis- 
 tance with a hissing kind of sound, and causing the masses to 
 jump round in a very insane manner. 
 
 Pettingill was disappointed, but not disheartened. He tried 
 again. 
 
 " The next fireworks," he said, "will go up in the air, bust, 
 and become a beautiful revolvin' wheel." 
 
 But, alas ! it didn't. It only ploughed a little furrow in tho 
 green grass, like its unhappy predecessor. 
 
 The masses laughed at this, and one man — a white-haired 
 old villager — said, kindly but firmly, " Eeuben, I'm 'fraid you 
 don't understand pyrotechny." a 
 
182 PYROTECHNY, 
 
 Reuben was amazed. Why did his rockets go down instead 
 of up? But, perhaps, the others would be more successful 5 
 and, with a flushed face, and in a voice scarcely as firm as be- 
 fore, he said 
 
 tc The next specimen of pyrotechny will go up in the air, 
 bust, and become a eagle. Said eagle will soar away into the 
 western skies, leavin' a red trail behind him as he so soars." 
 
 But, alas ! again. No eagle soared, but, on the contrary, 
 that ordinarily proud bird buried its head in the grass. 
 
 The people were dissatisfied. They made sarcastic remarks. 
 Some of them howled angrily. The aged man who had before 
 spoken said, l( No, Reuben, you evidently don't understand 
 pyrotechny." 
 
 Pettingill boiled with rage and disappointment. 
 
 " You don't understand pyrotechny ! " the masses shouted. 
 
 Then they laughed in a disagreeable manner, and some un- 
 feeling lads threw dirt at our hero. 
 
 i( You don't understand pyrotechny ! " the masses yelled 
 again. 
 
 " Don't I ? " screamed Pettingill, wild with rage ; tc don't 
 you think I do ? " 
 
 Then seizing several gigantic rockets he placed them over a 
 box of powder, and touched the whole off. 
 
 This rocket went up. It did, indeed. 
 
 There was a terrific explosion. 
 
 No one was killed, fortunately ; though many were injured. 
 
 The platform was almost torn to pieces. 
 
 But proudly erect among the falling timbers stood Pettingill, 
 his face flashing with wild triumph ; and he shouted : " If I'm 
 any judge of pyrotechny, that rocket has went off." 
 
 Then seeing that all the fingers on his right hand had been 
 taken close off in the explosion, he added : " And I ain't sc 
 dreadful certain but four of my fingers has went off with it 
 because I don't see 'em here now ! " 
 
A MORMON ROMANCE 183 
 
 A MORMON ROMANCE— REGINALD GLOVERSON, 
 
 CHAPTER I. — THE MORMON'S DEPARTURE. 
 
 The morning on which Reginald Gloverson was to leave 
 Great Salt Lake City with a mule-train, dawned beautifully. 
 
 Reginald Gloverson was a young and thrifty Mormon, with 
 an interesting family of twenty young and handsome wives. 
 His unions had never been blessed with children. As often as 
 once a year he used to go to Omaha, in Nebraska, with a mule 
 train for goods; but although he had performed the rather 
 perilous journey many times with entire safety, his heart was 
 strangely sad on this particular morning, and filled with gloomy 
 forebodings. 
 
 The time for his departure had arrived. The high-spirited 
 mules were at the door, impatiently champing their bits. The 
 Mormon stood sadly among his weeping wives. 
 
 " Dearest ones," he said, " I am singularly sad at heart, 
 this morning ; but do not let this depress you. The journey 
 is a perilous one, but — pshaw ! I have always come back 
 safely heretofore, and why should I fear ? Besides, I know 
 that every night, as I lay down on the broad starlit prairie,, 
 your bright faces will come to me in my dreams, and make my 
 slumbers sweet and gentle. You, Emily, with your mild blue 
 eyes ; and you, Henrietta, with your splendid black hair ; and 
 you, Nelly, with your hair so brightly, beautifully golden ; and 
 you, Mollie, with your cheeks so downy ; and you, Betsy, with 
 your wine-red lips — far more delicious, though, than an} 
 wino I ever tasked — and you, Maria, with your winsome 
 voice ; and you, Susan, with your — with your — that is to 
 Eay, Susan, with your and the other thirteen of you, each 
 
184 A MORMON ROMANCE. 
 
 so good and beautiful, will come to me in sweet dreams, wil 
 
 you not, Dearestists ? " 
 
 " Our own," they lovingly chimed, " we will ! " 
 
 "And so farewell! " cried Reginald. "Come to my arms, 
 
 my own ! " he said, ic that is, as many of you as can do it cod* 
 
 veniently at once, for I must away." 
 
 He folded several of them to his throbbing breast, and 
 
 drove sadly away. 
 
 But he had not gone far when the trace of the off-hind mula 
 became unhitched. Dismounting, he essayed to adjust the 
 trace ; but ere he had fairly commenced the task, the mule, a 
 singularly refractory animal — snorted wildly, and kicked Re- 
 ginald frightfully in the stomach. He arose with difficulty, 
 and tottered feebly towards his mother's house, which was 
 near by, falling dead in her yard, with the remark, u Dear 
 Mother, I've come home to die ! " 
 
 " So I see," she said ; " where's the mules ? " 
 
 Alas ! Reginald Gloverson could give no answer. In vain 
 the heart-stricken mother threw herself upon his inanimate 
 form, crying, " Oh, my son — my son ! only tell me where the 
 mules are, and then you may die if you want to." 
 
 In vain — in vain ! Reginald had passed on. 
 
 CHAPTER II. FUNERAL TRAPPINGS. 
 
 The mules were never found. 
 
 Reginald's heart-broken mother took the body home to her 
 unfortunate son's widows. But before her arrival she indis- 
 creetly sent a boy to Bust the news gently to the afflicted wives, 
 which he did by informing them in a hoarse whisper that their 
 " old man had gone in." 
 
 The wives felt very badly indeed. 
 
A MCRMOlf ROMANCE. 185 
 
 " He was devoted to me," sobbed Emily. 
 
 " And to me," said Maria. 
 
 " Yes," said Emily, " he thought considerab y of you, bat 
 not so much as he did of me." 
 
 "I say he did!" 
 
 " And I say he didn't ! " 
 
 « He did ! " 
 
 "He didn't!" 
 
 " Don't look at me, with your squint eyes ! " 
 
 " Don't shake your red head atwe/" 
 
 " Sisters ! " said the black-haired Henrietta, " cease this -un- 
 seemly wrangling. I, as his first wife, shall strew flowers on 
 his grave." 
 
 " No you worCt? said Susan. eC I, as his last wife, shall 
 strew flowers on his grave. It's my business to strew ! " 
 
 " You shan't, so there ! " said Henrietta. 
 
 " You bet I will ! " said Susan, with a tear-suffused cheek. 
 
 " Well, as for me," said the practical Betsy, " I ain't on 
 the Strew, much, but 1 shall ride at the head of the funeral 
 procession ! " 
 
 " Not if I've been introduced to myself, you won't," said 
 the golden-haired Nelly ; " that's my position. You bet your 
 bonnet-strings it is." 
 
 " Children," said Reginald's mother, " you must do some 
 crying, you know, on the day of the funeral ; and how many 
 pocket-handkerchers will it take to go round? Betsy, you 
 and Nelly ought to make one do between you." 
 
 " I'll tear her eyes out if she perpetrates a sob on my hand- 
 kercher ! " said Nelly. 
 
 "Dear daughters-in-law," said Reginald's mother, "how un- 
 seemly is this anger ! Mules is five hundred dollars a span, 
 and every identical mule my poor boy had has been gobbled 
 up by the red man. I knew when my Reginald staggered into 
 the door-yard that he was on the Die, but if I'd only thunk to 
 ask him about them mules ere his gentle spirit took flight, it 
 would have been four thousand dollars in owr pockets, and m 
 
186 A MORMON ROMANCE. 
 
 mistake! Excuso those real tears, but you've neve? felfc a 
 parent's feelin's." 
 
 " It's an oversight," sobbed Maria. il Don't blame us i " 
 
 CHAPTER III DUST TO DUST. 
 
 The f meral passed off in a very pleasant manner, nothing 
 occurring to mar the harmony of the occasion. By a happy 
 thought of Reginald's mother, the wives walked to the grave 
 twenty abreast, which rendered that part of the ceremony 
 thoroughly impartial. 
 
 *******. 
 
 That night the twenty wives, with heavy hearts, sought 
 their twenty respective couches. But no Reginald occupied 
 those twenty respective couches — Reginald would nevermore 
 linger all night in blissful repose in those twenty respective 
 couches — Reginald's head would nevermore press the twenty 
 respective pillows of those twenty respective couches— never, 
 nevermore ! 
 
 ******* 
 
 In another house, not many leagues from the House of 
 Mourning, a gray-haired woman was weeping passionately. 
 "He died," she cried, "he died without sigerfyin', in any 
 espect, where them mules went to ! " 
 
 CHAPTER IV. MARRIED AGAIN, 
 
 Two years are supposed to elapse between the third and 
 fourth chapters of this original American romance. 
 
 A manly Mormon, one evening, as the sun was preparing to 
 set among a select apartment of gold and crimson clouds in 
 the western horizon — although for that matter the sun has a 
 right to " set " where it wants to, and so, I may add, has a hec 
 
A MORMON ROMANCE. 187 
 
 «— a manly Mormon, I say, tapped gently at the door of the 
 mansion of the late Reginald Gloverson. 
 
 The door was opened by Mrs. Susan Gloverson. 
 
 " Is this the house of the widow Gloverson ? " the Mor- 
 mon asked. 
 
 " It is," said Susan. 
 
 " And how many is there of she ? " inquired the Mormc n. 
 
 " There is about twenty of her, including me," courteously 
 returned the fair Susan. 
 
 "Can I see her?" 
 
 " You can." 
 
 (i Madam," he softly said, addressing the twenty disconsolate 
 widows. " I have seen part of you before ! And although I 
 have already twenty-five wives, whom I respect and tenderly 
 care for, I can truly say that I never felt love's holy thrill 
 till I saw thee ! Be mine — be mine ! " he enthusiastically 
 cried, " and we will show the world a striking illustration of 
 the beauty and truth of the noble lines, only a good deal more 
 so — 
 
 " Twenty-one souls with a single thought, 
 Twenty-one hearts that beat as one ! " 
 
 They were united, they were ! 
 
 Gentle reader, does not the moral of this romance show 
 that — does it not, in fact, show that however many there may 
 be of a young widow woman, or rather does it not show that 
 whatever number of persons one woman may consist of — 
 well, never mind what it shows. Only this writing Mormon 
 romances is confusing to the intellect. You try it and see. 
 
PART IV. 
 TO CALIFORNIA AND RETURN. 
 
 ON THE STEAMER. 
 
 New York, Oct. 13, 1863. 
 
 The steamer Ariel starts for California at noon. 
 
 Her decks are crowded with excited passengers, who insanely 
 undertake to " look after " their trunks and things ; and what 
 with our smashing against each other, and the yells of the por- 
 ters, and the wails over lost baggage, and the crash of boxes, 
 and the roar of the boilers, we are for the time being about as 
 unhappy a lot of maniacs as were ever thrown together. 
 
 1 am one of them. I am rushing round with a glaring eye 
 in search of a box. 
 
 Great jam, in which I find a sweet young lady, with golden 
 hair, clinging to me fondly, and saying, " Dear George, farewell ! '* 
 - - Discovers her mistake, and disappears. 
 
 I should like to be George some more. 
 
 Confusion so great that I seek refuge in a stateroom which 
 contains a single lady of forty-five summers, who says, " Base 
 man ! leave me ! " I leave her. 
 
 By and by we cool down, and become somewhat regulated. 
 
190 THE +STHMU8, 
 
 The next day and the next pass by in a serene manner. The 
 waves are smooth now, and we can all eat and sleep. We might 
 have enjoyed ourselves very well, I fancy, if the Ariel, whose 
 capacity was about three hundred and fifty passengers, had not 
 on this occasion carried nearly nine hundred, a hundred at least 
 of whom wer 3 children of an unpleasant age. Captain Semmea 
 captured the Ariel once, and it is to be deeply regretted that that 
 thrifty buccaneer hadn't made mince-meat of her, because she is 
 a miserable tub at best, and hasn't much more right to be afloat 
 than a second-hand coffin has. I do not know her proprietor, 
 Mr. C. Yanderbilt. But I know of several excellent mill privi 
 leges in the State of Maine, and not one of them is so thorough- 
 ly DarrCd as he was all the way from New York to Aspinwall. 
 
 I have spoken my Piece about the Ariel, and I hope Mr. 
 Vanderbilt will reform ere it is too late. Dr. Watts says the 
 vilest sinner may return as long as the gas-meters work well, 
 or words to that effect. 
 
 We were so densely crowded on board the Ariel that I cannot 
 conscientiously say we were altogether happy. And sea- voyages 
 at best are a little stupid. On the whole I should prefer a 
 voyage on the Erie Canal, where there isn't any danger, and 
 where you can carry picturesque scenery along with you — so to 
 speak. 
 
 II. 
 
 THE ISTHMUS. 
 
 On the ninth day we reach Aspinwall in the Republic of 
 Grenada. The President of New Granada is a Central Amert 
 can named Mosquero, I was told that he derived quite a por- 
 
THE ISTHMUS. 191 
 
 fcion of his income by carrying passengers' valists and things 
 from the steamer to the hotels in Aspinwall. It was an infa- 
 mous falsehood. Fancy A. Lincoln carrying carpet-bags and 
 things 1 and indeed I should rather trust him with them than 
 Mosquero, because the former gentleman, as I think some ono 
 iias before observed, is " honest." 
 
 I intrust my bag to a speckled native, who confidentially 
 gives me to understand that he is the only strictly honest per- 
 son in Aspinwall. The rest, he says, are niggers — which the 
 colored people of the Isthmus regard as about as scathing a 
 thing as they can say of one another. 
 
 I examine the New Grenadian flag, which waves from the 
 chamber- window of a refreshment saloon. It is of simple design. 
 You can make one. 
 
 Take half of a cotton shirt, that has been worn two months, 
 and dip it in molasses of the Day & Martin brand. Then let 
 the flies gambol over it for a few days, and you have it. It is 
 an emblem of Sweet Liberty. 
 
 At the Howard House the man of sin rubbeth the hair of 
 the horse to the bowels of the cat, and our girls are waving 
 their lily-white hoofs in the dazzling waltz. 
 
 We have a quadrille, in which an English person slips up and 
 jams his massive brow against my stomach. He apologizes, and 
 I say, " all right, my lord." I subsequently ascertained that 
 he superintended the shipping of coals for the British steamers, 
 and owned fighting cocks. 
 
 The natives amass wealth by carrying valises, &c, then squan- 
 der it for liquor. My native comes to me as I sit on the ve- 
 randa of the Howard House smoking a cigar, and solicits the 
 job of taking my things to the cars next morning. He is intoxi- 
 cated, and has been fighting, to the palpable detriment of his 
 wearing apparel ; for he has only a pair of tattered pantaloons 
 and a very small quantity of shirt left. 
 
192 THE I8THMU& 
 
 We go to bed. Eight of us are assigned to a small den up- 
 stairs, with only two lame apologies for beds. 
 
 Mosquitoes and even rats annoy us fearfully. One bold rat 
 gnaws at the feet of a young Englishman in the party. This 
 was more than the young Englishman could stand, and rising 
 feoni his bed he asked us if New Grenada wasn't a Republic ? 
 We said it was. " I thought so," he said. " Of course I mean 
 no disrespect to the United States of America in the remark, 
 but 1 think I prefer a bloated monarchy ! " He smiled sadly — 
 then handing his purse and his mother's photograph to another 
 English person, he whispered softly, " If I am eaten up, give them 
 to Me mother — tell her I died like a true Briton, with no faith 
 whatever in the success of a republican form of government ! " 
 And then he crept back to bed again. 
 
 We start at seven the next morning for Panama. 
 
 My native comes bright and early to transport my carpet 
 sack to the railway station. His clothes have suffered still 
 more during the night, for he comes to me now dressed only in 
 a small rag and one boot. 
 
 At last we are off. "Adios, Americanos ! " the natives cry ; 
 to which I pleasantly reply, " Adous / and long may it be before 
 you have a chance to Do us again." 
 
 The cars are comfortable on the Panama railway, and the 
 country through which we pass is very beautiful. But it will 
 not do to trust it much, because it breeds fevers and other un- 
 plesant disorders, at all seasons of the year. Like a girl we 
 most all have known, the Isthmus is fair but false. 
 
 There are mud huts all along the route, and half-naked savages 
 gaze patronizingly upon us from their doorways. An elderly 
 lady in spectacles appears to be much scandalized by the scant 
 dress of these people, and wants to know why the Select Men 
 don't put a stop to it. From this, and a remark she incidentally 
 makes about her son, who has invented a washing machine 
 which will wash, wring, and dry a shirt in ten minutes, I infer 
 
MEXICO. 193 
 
 that she is from the hills of Old New England, like the Hutch • 
 inson family. 
 
 The Central American is lazy. The only exercise he ever 
 takes is to occasionally produce a Revolution. When his feet 
 begin to swell and there are premonitory symptoms of gout, he 
 " revolushes " a spell, and then serenely returns to his cigarette 
 and hammock under the palm-trees. 
 
 These Central American Republics are queer concerns. I do 
 not of course precisely know what a last year's calf's ideas of im- 
 mortal glory may be, but probably they are about as lucid as 
 those of a Central American in regard to a republican form < ( 
 government. 
 
 And yet I am told they are a kindly people in the main. 1 
 never met but one of them — a Costa-Rican, on board the Arit I. 
 He lay sick with fever, and I went to him and took his hot 
 hand gently in mine. I shall never forget his look of gratitude. 
 And the next day he borrowed five dollars of me, shedding tears 
 as he put it in his pocket. 
 
 The Sefioritas who leave us at Panama are splendid creatures. 
 They learned me Spanish, and in the soft moonlight we walked 
 on deck and talked of the land of Pizarro. (You know old Piz. 
 conquered Peru ! and although he was not educated at West 
 Point, he had still some military talent.) I feel as though I 
 had lost all my relations, including my grandmother and the. 
 cooking stove, when these gay young Sefioritas go away. 
 
 They do not go to Peru on a Peruvian bark, but on an 
 English steamer. Off to Acapulco. 
 
 III. 
 
 MEXICO. 
 
 We make Acapulco, a Mexican coast town of some import- 
 ance, in a few days, and all go ashore. 
 
 The pretty peasant girls peddle necklaces made of shells, 
 8 
 
194: MEXICO. 
 
 and oranges, in the streets of Acapulco, on steamer days. They 
 are quite naive about it. Handing you a necklace they wil. 
 say, " Me give you pres-eft£, Seilor," and then retire with a low 
 curtsey. Returning, however, in a few moments, they say quite 
 sweetly, "You give me pres-entf, Senor, of quarter dollar!" 
 Tvhich you at once do unless you have a heart of stone. 
 
 Acapulco was shelled by the French a year or so before our 
 arrival there, and they effected a landing. But the gay and gallant 
 Mexicans peppered them so persistently and effectually from the 
 mountains near by that they concluded to sell out and leave. 
 
 Napoleon has no right in Mexico. Mexico may deserve a 
 licking. That is possible enough. Most people do. But no- 
 body has any right to lick Mexico except the United States. 
 We have a right, I natter myself, to lick this entire continent, 
 including ourselves, any time we want to. 
 
 The signal gun is fired at 11, and we go off to the steamei 
 in small boats. 
 
 We reach Manzanillo, another coast place, twenty-four hours 
 after leaving Acapulco. Manzanillo is a little Mexican village, 
 and looked very wretched indeed, sweltering away there on tho 
 hot sands. But it is a port of some importance, nevertheless, 
 because a great deal of merchandise finds its way to the in- 
 terior from there. The white and green flag of Mexico floats 
 from a red steam-tug (the navy of Mexico, by the way, con- 
 sists of two tugs, a disabled raft, and a basswood life-pre- 
 server), and the Captain of the Port comes off to us in his 
 small boat, climbs up the side of the St. Louis, and folds tho 
 healthy form of Captain Hudson to his breast. There is no 
 sv harf here, and we have to anchor off the town. 
 
 There was a wharf, but the enterprising Mexican peasantry, 
 w no subsist by poling merchandise ashore in dug-outs, indig- 
 .aantly tore it up. We take on here some young Mexicans, 
 from Colima, who are going to California. They are of the 
 \ etter class, ani one young man (who was educated in Madrid) 
 speaks English rather better than I write it. Be careful not 
 
CALIFORNIA. 195 
 
 to admire any article of an educated Mexican's dress : because 
 if yon io he will take it right off and give it to you, and 
 sometimes this might be awkward. 
 
 I said : u What a beautiful cravat you wear ! " 
 
 " It is yours ! " he exclaimed, quickly unbuckling it ; and I 
 could not induce him to take it back again. 
 
 I am glad I did not tell his sister, who was with him and 
 with whom I was lucky enough to get acquainted, what a 
 beautiful white hand she had. She might have given it to me 
 on the spot ; and that, as she had soft eyes, a queenly form, 
 and a half million or so in her own right, would have made 
 me feel bad. 
 
 Reports reach us here of high-handed robberies by the ban- 
 ditti all along the road to the City of Mexico. They steal 
 clothes as well as coin. A few days since the mail coach en- 
 tered the city with all the passengers stark-naked ! They must, 
 have felt mortified. 
 
 IV. 
 
 CALIFORNIA. 
 
 We reach San Francisco one Sunday afternoon. I am 
 driven to the Occidental Hotel by a kind-hearted hackman, 
 who states that inasmuch as I have come out there to amuse 
 people, he will only charge me five dollars. I pay it in gold, 
 of course, because greenbacks are not current on the Pacific 
 coast. 
 
 Many of the citizens of San Francisco remember the Sab- 
 bath day to keep it jolly ; and the theatres, the circus, the 
 minstrels, and the music halls are all in full blast to-night. 
 
 1" "compromise," and go to the Chinese theatre, thinking 
 perhaps there can be no great harm in listening to worldly sen- 
 timents when expressed in a language I don't understand. 
 
 The Chinaman at the door takes my ticket with the remark, 
 f 'Kihi-hiki! Sho.rtah!" 
 
196 CALIFORNIA. 
 
 And I tell him that on the whole I think he is right. 
 
 The Chinese play is " continued," like a Ledger sto:*y, front 
 night to night. It commences with the birth of the hero 01 
 neroine, which interesting event occurs publicly on the btage ; 
 and then follows him or her down to the grave, where it cheer- 
 fully ends. 
 
 Sometimes a Chinese play lasts six months. The play I am 
 speaking of had been going on for about two months. The 
 heroine had grown up into womanhood, and was on the point, 
 as I inferred, of being married to a young Chinaman in 
 spangled pantaloons and a long black tail. The bride's father 
 comes in with his arms full of tea-chests, and bestows them, 
 with his blessing, upon the happy couple. As this play is -to 
 run four months longer, however, and as my time is limited, I 
 go away at the close of the second act, while the orchestra is 
 performing an overture on gongs and one-stringed fiddles. 
 
 The door-keeper again says, " Ki hi-hi ki ! Shoolah ! add- 
 ing, this time however, " Chow-wow." I agree with him in 
 regard to the ki hi and hi ki, but tell him I don't feel alto- 
 gether certain about the chow-wow. 
 
 To Stockton from San Francisco. 
 
 Stockton is a beautiful town, that has ceased to think of be- 
 coming a very large place, and has quietly settled down into a 
 state of serene prosperity. I have my boots repaired here by 
 an artist who informs me that he studied in the penitentiary ; 
 and I visit the lunatic asylum, where I encounter a vivacious 
 maniac who invites me to ride in a chariot drawn by eight 
 lions and a rhinoceros. 
 
 John Phoenix was once stationed at Stockton, and put his 
 mother aboard the San Francisco boat one morning with the 
 sparkling remark, " Dear mother, be virtuous and you will be 
 happy ! " 
 
 Forward to Sacramento — which is the capital o^ the State, 
 and a very nice old towru 
 
CALIFORNIA. 197 
 
 They had a flood here some years ago, during which several 
 blocks of buildings sailed out of town and had never been 
 heard from since. A Chinaman concluded to leave in a wash 
 tub, and actually set sail in one of those fragile barks. A 
 drowning man hailed him piteously, thus : " Throw me a rope, 
 oh throw me a rope ! " To which the Chinaman excitedly 
 cried, " No have got — how can do ? " and went on, on with 
 the howling current. He was never seen more ; but a few 
 weeks after his tail was found by some Sabbath-school children 
 in the north part of the State. 
 
 I go to the mountain towns. The sensational mining days 
 are over, but I find the people jolly and hospitable nevertheless. 
 
 At Nevada I am called upon, shortly after my arrival, by an 
 athletic scarlet-faced man, who politely says his name is Blaze. 
 
 Years ago Mr. Blaze was an agent of the California Stage 
 Company. There was a formidable and well-organized oppo- 
 sition to the California Stage Company at that time, and Mr. 
 Blaze rendered them such signal service in his capacity of 
 agent that they were very sorry when he tendered his resigna- 
 tion. 
 
 " You are some sixteen hundred dollars behind in your ac- 
 counts, Mr. Blaze," said the President, " but in view of your 
 faithful and efficient services we shall throw off eight hundred 
 dollars of that amount." 
 
 Mr. Blaze seemed touched by this generosity. A tear stood 
 in his eye and his bosom throbbed audibly. 
 
 " You will throw off eight hundred dollars — you will ? " he 
 at last cried, seizing the President's hand and pressing it pas- 
 sionately to his lips. 
 
 " I will," returned the President. 
 
 " Well, sir," said Mr. Blaze, " I'm a gentleman, J am, you 
 bet ! And I won't allow no Stage Company to surpass me in 
 politeness. Til tlwow off the other eight hundred, and will 
 
198 WA8H0E. 
 
 call it square I No gratitude, sir — no thanks ; it is lay 
 duty." 
 
 I get back to San Francisco in a few weeks, and am to start 
 home Overland from here. 
 
 I do not leave the Capital of California in a light-hearted 
 and joyous manner. But " leaves have their time to fall," and 
 I have my time to leave, which is now. 
 
 "We ride all day and all night, and ascend and descend some 
 of tb.3 most frightful hills 1 ever saw. We make Johnson's 
 Pass, which is 6752 feet high, about two o'clock in the morn 
 ing, and go down the great Kingsbury grade with locked wheels. 
 • The driver, with whom I sit outside, informs me, as we slowly 
 roll down this fearful mountain road, which looks down on 
 either side into an appalling ravine, that he has met accidents 
 in his time, and cost the California Stage Company a great deal 
 of money; ''because," he says, "juries is agin us on principle, 
 and every man who sues us is sure to recover. But it will 
 never be so agin, not with me, you bet." 
 
 "How is that? "I said. 
 
 It was frightfully dark. It was snowing withal, and notwith- 
 standing the brakes were kept hard down, the coach slewed 
 wildly, often fairly touching the brink of the black precipice. 
 
 "How is that? "I said. 
 
 " Why, you see," he replied, u that corpses never sue for 
 damages, but maimed people do. And the next time I have a 
 overturn I shall go round and keerfully examine the passengers. 
 Them as is dead I shall let alone ; but them as is mutilated I 
 shall finish with the king-bolt ! Dead folks don't sue. They 
 ain't on it." 
 
 Thus witl anecdote did this driver cheer me up. 
 
 V. 
 
 WASHOE. 
 
 We reach Carson City about nine o'clock in the morning, 
 II is the capital of the SL ver-producing territory of Nevada. 
 
WASHOE. 199 
 
 They shoot folks here somewhat, and the law is rather par- 
 tial than otherwise to fiist-class murderers. 
 
 I visit the territorial Prison, and the Warden points out the 
 prominent convicts to me, thus : 
 
 " This man's crime was horse-stealing. He is here for life." 
 fi This man is in for murder. He is here for three years." 
 But shooting isn't as popular in Nevada as it once was. A ■ 
 few years since they used to have a dead man for breakfast 
 every morning. A reformed desperado told me that he sup- 
 posed he had killed men enough to stock a graveyard. " A 
 feeling of remorse," he said, " sometimes comes over me ! But 
 I'm an altered man now. I hain't killed a man for over two 
 weeks ! What'll yer poison yourself with ? " he added, dealing- 
 a resonant blow on the bar. 
 
 There used to live near Carson City a notorious desperado, 
 who never visited town without killing somebody. He would 
 call for liquor at some drinking-house, and if anybody declined 
 joining him he would at once commence shooting. But one day 
 he shot a man too many. Going into the St. Nicholas drinking- 
 house he asked the company present to join him in a North Amer- 
 ican drink. One individual was rash enough to refuse. With a 
 look of sorrow rather than anger the desperado revealed his re- 
 volver, and said, " Good God ! Must I kill a man every time 
 I come to Carson?" and so saying he fired and killed the in- 
 dividual on the spot. But this was the last murder the blood- 
 thirsty miscreant ever committed, for the aroused citizens pur 
 sued him with rifles and shot him down in his own door-yard. 
 
 I lecture in the theatre at Carson, which opens out of a 
 drinking and gambling house. On each side of the door where 
 my ticket-taker stands there are monte-boards and sweat-cloths, 
 but they are deserted to-night, the gamblers being evidently of 
 a literary turn of mind. 
 
 Five years ago there was only a pony-path over the precipi- 
 tous hills on which now stands the marvellous city of Virginia, 
 
200 MR. PEPPER 
 
 with its population of twelve thousand persons, and perhaps 
 more. Virginia, with its stately warehouses and gay shops; 
 its splendid streets, paved with silver ore ; its banking houses 
 and faro-banks ; its attractive coffee-houses and elegant theatre ; 
 its music halls and its three daily newspapers. 
 
 I visit several of the adjacent mining towns, but 1 do not go 
 to Aurora. No, I think not. A lecturer on psychology was 
 killed there the other night by the playful discharge of a horse- 
 pistol in the hands of a degenerate and intoxicated Spaniard. 
 This circumstance, and a rumor that the citizens are agin 
 literature, induce me to go back to Virginia. 
 
 I had pointed out to me a ta restaurant a man who had killed 
 four men in street broils, and who had that very day cut his own 
 brother's breast open in a dangerous manner with a small sup- 
 per knife. He was a gentleman, however. I heard him tell 
 some men so. He admitted it himself. And I don't think he 
 would lie about a little thing like that. 
 
 The theatre at Virginia will attract the attention of the 
 stranger, because it is an unusually elegant affair of the kind, 
 and would be so regarded anywhere. It was built, of course, 
 by Mr. Thomas Maguire, the Napoleonic manager of the Pacific, 
 and who has built over twenty theatres in his time and will per- 
 haps build as many more, unless somebody stops him — which, 
 by the way, will not be a remarkably easy thing to do. 
 
 As soon as a mining camp begins to assume the proportions 
 of a city, at about the time the whiskey- vender draws his cork 
 or the gambler spreads his green cloth, Maguire opens a theatre, 
 and with a hastily-organized " Vigilance Committee " of actors, 
 commences to execute Shakspeare. 
 
 VI. 
 
 MR. PEPPER. 
 
 My arrival at Virginia City was signalized by the following 
 incident : 
 
BORAGE GREELET8 RIDE TO PLACERVILLE. 201 
 
 I had no sooner achieved my room in the garret of the Inter, 
 national Hotel than T was called upon by an intoxicated man, 
 who said he was an Editor. Knowing how rare it was for an 
 Editor to be under the blighting influence of either spirituous 
 or malt liquors, I received this statement doubtfully. But I 
 
 'said. 
 
 ft What name ? " 
 
 " Wait ! " he said, and went out. 
 
 I heard him pacing unsteadily up and down the hall outside. 
 
 In ten minutes he returned, and said : 
 
 " Pepper ! " 
 
 Peppei *ras indeed his name. He had been out to see if he 
 could remember it ; and he was so flushed with his success that 
 he repeated it joyously several times, and then, with a short 
 laugh, he went away. 
 
 I had often heard of a man being " so drunk that he didn t 
 know what town he lived in," but here was a man so hideously 
 inebriated that he didn't know what his name was. 
 
 I saw him no more, but I heard from him. For he published 
 a notice of my lecture, in which he said I had a dissipated 
 air / 
 
 VII. 
 
 HORACE GREELEY'S RIDE TO PLACERVILLE. 
 
 When Mr. Greeley was in California ovations awaited him 
 at every town. He had written powerful leaders in the Tri- 
 bune in favor of the Pacific Railroad, which had greatly en- 
 deared him to the citizens of the Golden State. And therefore 
 they made much of him when he <vent to see them. 
 
 At one town the enthusiastic populace tore his celebrated 
 white coat to pieces, and carried the pieces home to remember 
 
 him by. . . 
 
 The citizens of Placerville prepared to fete the great journal 
 
 ist, and an extra coach, with extra relays of horses, was char- 
 
202 ROBAGE GREELEY'S RIDE TO PLACERVILLE. 
 
 fcercd of tlie California Stage Company to carry him froic 
 Folsonv to Placerville — distance, forty miles. The extra was 
 in some way delayed, and did not leave Folsom until late in 
 the afternoon. Mr. Greeley was to be feted at 7 o'clock that 
 ©veiling by the citizens of Placerville, and it was altogether 
 necessary that he should be there by that hour. So the Stage 
 Company said to Henry Monk, the driver of the extra, 
 " Henry, this great man must be there by 7 to-night." And 
 Henry answered, " The great man shall be there." 
 
 The roads were in an awful state, and during the first few 
 miles out of Folsom slow progress was made. 
 
 li Sir," said Mr. Greeley, " are you aware that I must be at 
 Placerville at 7 o'clock to-night ? " 
 
 " I've got my orders ! " laconically returned Henry Monk. 
 
 Still the coach dragged slowly forward. 
 
 " Sir," said Mr. Greeley, " this is not a trifling matter. I 
 must be there at 7 ! " 
 
 Again came the answer, " I've got my orders ! " 
 
 But the speed was not increased, and Mr. Greeley chafed 
 away another half hour ; when, as he was again about to remon- 
 strate with the driver, the horses suddenly started into a furioua 
 run, and all sorts of encouraging yells filled the air from the 
 throat of Henry Monk. 
 
 " That is right, my good fellow! " cried Mr. Greeley. "I'll 
 give you ten dollars when we get to Placerville. Now we are 
 going!" 
 
 They were indeed, and at a terrible speed. 
 
 Crack, crack ! went the whip, and again " that voice " split 
 tile air. " Git up ! Hi yi ! G'long ! Yip — yip ! " 
 
 And on they tore over stones and ruts, up hill and down, at 
 a rate of speed never before achieved by stage horses. 
 
 Mr. Greeley, who had been bouncing from one end of the 
 coach to the other like an india-rubber ball, managed to get his 
 head out of the window, when he said : 
 
 lt Do — on't — on't — on't you — u — u think we — e — e— e shaJJ 
 get there by seven if we do— on't — on't go so last ? " 
 
HORACE GREELEY'S RIDE TO PLACERVILLE. 203 
 
 " I've got my orders ! " That was all Henry Monk said. 
 And on tore the coach. 
 
 It was becoming serious. Already the journalist was ex 
 tremely sore from the terrible jolting, and again his head 
 " might have been seen " at the window. 
 
 " Sir," he said, " I don't care — care — air } if we dorCt get 
 tl.ere at seven ! " 
 
 " I have got my orders ! " Fresh horses. Forward again, 
 faster than before. Over rocks and stumps, on one of which 
 the coach narrowly escaped turning a summerset. 
 
 ?* See here ! " shrieked Mr. Greeley, " I don't care if we 
 don't get there at all ! " 
 
 " I've got my orders ! I work for the Californy Stage 
 Company, I do. That's wot I work for. They said, ( git this 
 man through by seving.' An' this man's goin' through. You 
 bet ! Gerlong ! Whoo-ep ! " 
 
 Another frightful jolt, and Mr. Greeley's bald head suddenly 
 found its way through the roof of the coach, amidst the crash 
 of small timbers and the ripping of strong canvas. 
 
 <( Stop, you maniac ! " he roared* 
 
 Again answered Henry Monk : 
 
 " I've got my orders ! Mieep your seat, Horace ! " 
 
 At Mud Springs, a village a few miles from Placerville, they 
 met a large delegation of the citizens of Placerville, who had 
 come out to meet the celebrated editor, and escort him into 
 town. There was a military company, a brass band, and a six- 
 horse wagon-load of beautiful damsels in milk-white dresses, 
 representing all the States in the Union. It was nearly dark 
 now, but the delegation were amply provided with torches, 
 and bonfires blazed all along the road to Placerville. 
 
 The citizens met the coach in the outskirts of Mud Springs, 
 and Mr. Monk reined in his foam-covered steeds. 
 
 tc Is Mr. Greeley on board ? " asked the chairman of the 
 committee. 
 
 "He was, a few miles bach i '" said Mr. Monk; "yes," he 
 added, after looking down through the hole which the fearful 
 
204 HORACE GREELEY' 8 RIDE TO PLACERVILLE. 
 
 jolting had made in the coach-roof — " yes, I can see him ! Hfl 
 is there ! " 
 
 " Mr. Greeley," said the Chairman of the Committee, pre- 
 senting himself at the window of the coach, " Mr. Greeley, sir J 
 
 We are come to most cordially welcome you, sir w hy, 
 
 God bless me, sir, you are bleeding at the nose ! " 
 
 " I've got my orders ! " cried Mr. Monk. " My orders is 
 as follers : Git him there by seving ! It wants a quarter to 
 seving. Stand out of the way ! " 
 
 " But, sir," exclaimed the Committee-man, seizing the off 
 leader by the reins — " Mr. Monk, we are come to escort him 
 into town ! Look at the procession, sir, and the brass band, 
 and the people, and the young women, sir ! " 
 
 " Tve got my orders ! " screamed Mr. Monk. * My orders 
 don't say nothin' about no brass bands and young women. My 
 orders says, £ git him there by seving ? ' Let go them lines ! 
 Clear the way there ! Whoo-ep ! Keep your seat, Hor- 
 ace ! " and the coach dashed wildly through the procession, 
 upsetting a portion of the brass band, and violently grazing 
 the wagon which contained the beautiful young women in 
 white. 
 
 Years hence, gray-haired men, who were little boys in this pro- 
 cession, will tell their grandchildren how this stage tore through 
 Mud Springs, and how Horace Greeley's bald head ever and 
 arun showed itself, like a wild apparition, above the coach- 
 roof. 
 
 Mr. Monk was on time. There is a tradition that Mr, 
 Greeley was very indignant for a while ; then he laughed, and 
 finally presented Mr. Monk with a bran new suit of clothes. 
 
 Mr. Monk himself is still in the employ of the California 
 Stage Company, and is rather fond of relating a story that has 
 made him famous all over the Pacific coast. But he says ho 
 yields to n i man in his admiration for Horace Greeley. 
 
TO REESE RIVER. 206 
 
 VIII. 
 
 TO EEESE RIVER. 
 
 I leave Virginia for Great Salt Lake City, vul the Reese 
 River Silver Diggings. 
 
 Tlere are eight passengers of us inside the coach — which, 
 by the way, isn't a coach, but a Concord covered mud 
 wagon. 
 
 Among the passengers is a genial man of the name of Ryder, 
 who has achieved a wide-spread reputation as a strangler of un- 
 pleasant bears in the mountain fastnesses of California, and 
 who is now an eminent Reese River miner. 
 
 We ride night and day, passing through the land of the Piute 
 Indians. Reports reach us that fifteen hundred of these 
 savages are on the Rampage, under the command of a red 
 usurper named Buffalo Jim, who seems to be a sort of Jefi 
 Davis, inasmuch as he and his followers have seceded from the 
 regular Piute organization. The seceding savages have an- 
 nounced that they shall kill and scalp all pale-faces (which 
 makes our faces pale, I reckon) found loose in that section. 
 We find the guard doubled at all the stations where we change 
 horses, and our passengers nervously examine their pistols and 
 readjust the long glittering knives in their belts. I feel in my 
 pockets to see if the key which unlocks the carpet-bag contain- 
 ing my revolvers is all right — for I had rather brilliantly 
 locked my deadly weapons up in that article, which was 
 strapped with the other baggage to the rack behind. The pas- 
 sengers frown on me for this carelessness, but the kind-hearted 
 Ryder gives me a small double-barrelled gun, with which T 
 narrowly escape murdering my beloved friend Hingston in cold 
 blood. I am not used to guns and things, and in changing the 
 position of this weapon I pulled the trigger rather harder than 
 «ras necessary. 
 
 When this* wicked rebellion first broke out I was among the 
 
206 TO REESE RIVER. 
 
 first — to stay at home — chiefly because of my utter ignor 
 ance of firearms. I should be valuable to the Army as a Briga- 
 dier-General only so far as the moral influence of — my name 
 went. 
 
 However, we pass safely through the land of the Piutes, 
 unmolested by Buffalo James. This celebrated savage can 
 read and write, and is quite an orator, like Metamora, or the 
 last of the Wampanoags. He went on to Washington a few 
 years ago and called Mr. Buchanan his Great Father, and the 
 members of the Cabinet his dear Brothers. They gave him a 
 great many blankets, and he returned to his beautiful hunting- 
 grounds and went to killing stage-drivers. He made such a 
 fine impression upon Mr. Buchanan during his sojourn in 
 "Washington that that statesman gave a young English tourist, 
 who crossed the plains a few years since, a letter of introduc- 
 tion to him. The great Indian chief read the English person's 
 letter with considerable emotion, and then ordered him scalped, 
 and stole his trunks. 
 
 Mr. Ryder knows me only as " Mr. Brown," and he refreshes 
 me during the journey by quotations from my books and 
 lectures. 
 
 " Never seen Ward ? " he said. 
 
 « Oh no." 
 
 " Ward says he likes little girls, but he likes large girls just 
 
 as well. Haw, haw, haw! I should like fco see the d 
 
 fool!" 
 
 He referred to me. 
 
 He even woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me 
 one of Ward's jokes. 
 
 I lecture at Big Creek. 
 
 Big Creek is a straggling, wild little village ; and the house 
 in which I had the honor of speaking a piece had no othei 
 
TO BEESE RIVER. 207 
 
 floor than the bare earth. The roof was of sage-brush. At 
 one end of the building a huge wood fire blazed, which, with 
 half-a-dozen tallow-candles, afforded all the illumination de- 
 eired. The lecturer spoke from behind the drinking bar. Be- 
 hind him long rows of decanters glistened; above him hung 
 pictures of race -horses and prize-fighters ; and beside him, Ln 
 his shirt-sleeves and wearing a cheerful smile, stood the bar- 
 keeper. My speeches at the Bar before this had been of an 
 elegant character, perhaps, but quite brief. They never ex- 
 tended beyond " I don't care if I do," " No sugar in mine," 
 and short gems of a like character. 
 
 I had a good audience at Big Creek, who seemed to be 
 pleased, the bar-keeper especially; for at the close of any 
 (( point " that I sought to make he would deal the counter a 
 vigorous blow with his fist, and exclaim, " Good boy from the 
 New England States ! listen to William W. Shakspeare ! " 
 
 Back to Austin. We lose our way, and hitching our horses 
 to a tree, go in 'search of some human beings. The night is 
 very dark. We soon stumble upon a camp-fire, and an un- 
 pleasantly modulated voice asks us to say our prayers, adding 
 that we are on the point of going to Glory with our boots on. 
 I think perhaps there may be some truth in this, as the mouth 
 of a horse-pistol almost grazes my forehead, while immediately 
 behind the butt of that death-dealing weapon I perceive a 
 large man with black whiskers. Other large men begin to as- 
 semble, also with horse-pistols. Dr. Hingston hastily explains, 
 while I go back to the carriage to say my prayers, where there - 
 is more room. The men were miners on a prospecting tour, 
 anj as we advanced upon them without sending them word 
 they took us for highway robbers. 
 
 I must not forget to say that my brave and kind-hearted 
 friend Ryder of the mail coach, who had so often alluded to 
 " Ward " in our ride from Virginia to Austin, was among my 
 hearers at Big Creek. He had discovered who I was, and in- 
 formed me that he had debated whether to wollop me or gi^e 
 me some rich silver claims. 
 
208 GREAT SALT LAKE CITY. 
 
 IX. 
 
 GREAT SALT LAKE CITY. 
 
 How was I to be greeted by the Mormons? That wan 
 rather an exciting question with me. I had been told on tho 
 plains that a certain humorous sketch of mine (written some 
 years before) had greatly incensed the Saints, and a copy of 
 the Sacramento Union newspaper had a few days before fallen 
 into my hands in which a Salt Lake correspondent quite clear- 
 iy intimated that my reception at the new Zion might be un- 
 pleasantly warm. I ate my dinner moodily and sent out for 
 some cigars. The venerable clerk brought me six. They cost 
 only two dollars. They were procured at a store near by. The 
 Salt Lake House sells neither cigars nor liquors. 
 
 I smoke in my room, having no heart to mingle with the 
 people in the office. 
 
 Dr. Hingston " thanks God he never wrote against the Mor- 
 mons," and goes out in search of a brother Englishman. Comes 
 back at night and says there is a prejudice against me. Advises 
 me to keep in. Has heard that the Mormons thirst for my 
 blood and are on the lookout for me. 
 
 Under these circumstances I keep in. 
 
 The next day is Sunday, and we go to the Tabernacle, in the 
 
 morning. The Tabernacle is located on street, and is a 
 
 long rakish building of adobe, capable of seating some twenty- 
 five hundred persons. There is a wide platform and a rather 
 large pulpit at one end of the building, and at the other end is 
 another platform for the choir. A young Irishman of the 
 name of Sloan preaches a sensible sort of discourse, to which a 
 Presbyterian could hardly have objected. Last night this 
 same Mr. Sloan enacted a character in a rollicking Irish farce 
 at the theatre ! And he played it well, I was told ; not no 
 well, of course, as the great Dan Bryant could ; but I fancy 
 he was more at home in the Mormon pulpit than Daniel would 
 have been, 
 
GREAT SALT LAKE CITY. 209 
 
 The Mormons, by the way, are preeminently aA amusement- 
 loving people, and the Elders pray for the success of their the- 
 atre with as much earnestness as they pray for anything else. 
 The congregation doesn't startle us. It is known, I fancy, that 
 the heads of the Church are to be absent today, and the at- 
 tendance is slim. There are no ravishingly beautiful women 
 present, and no positively ugly ones. The men are fair to 
 middling. They will never be slain in cold blood for their 
 beauty, nor shut up in jail for their homeliness. 
 
 There are some good voices in the choir to-day, but the or- 
 chestral accompaniment is unusually slight. Sometimes they 
 introduce a full brass and string band in Church. Brigham 
 Young says the devil has monopolized the good music long 
 enough, and it is high time the Lord had a portion of it. 
 Therefore trombones are tooted on Sundays in Utah as well as 
 on other days ; and there are some splendid musicians there. 
 The Orchestra in Brigham Young's theatre is quite equal to 
 any in Broadway. There is a youth in Salt Lake City (I for- 
 get his name) who plays the cornet like a North American angel. 
 
 Mr. Stenhouse relieves me of any anxiety I had felt in re- 
 gard to having my swan-like throat cut by the Danites, but 
 thinks my wholesale denunciation of a people I had never 
 seen was rather hasty. The following is the paragraph to 
 which the Saints objected. It occurs in an " Artemus Ward" 
 paper on Brigham Young, written some years ago : 
 
 " I girded up my Lions and fled the Seen. I packt up my 
 duds and left Salt Lake, which is a 2nd Soddum and Germorer, 
 inhabited by as theavin' & onprincipled a set of retchis as ever 
 drew Breth in eny spot on the Globe." 
 
 I had forgotten all about this, and as Elder Stenhouse read 
 it to me " my feelings may be better imagined than described," 
 to use language I think I have heard before. I pleaded, how- 
 ever, that it was a purely burlesque sketch, and that this 
 strong paragraph should not be interpreted literally at all. 
 The Elder didn't seem to see it in that light, but we parted 
 pleasantly. 
 
210 THE MOUNTAIN FEVER 
 
 THE MOUNTAIN FEVER. 
 
 I GC back tc my hotel and go to bed, and I do not get up 
 again for two weary weeks. I have the mountain fever (so 
 called in Utah, though it closely resembles the old-style typhus) 
 and my case is pronounced dangerous. I don't regard it so. 
 I don't, in fact, regard anything. I am all right, myself. My 
 poor Hingston shakes his head sadly, and Dr. Williamson, 
 from Camp Douglas, pours all kinds of bitter stuff down my 
 throat. I drink his health in a dose of the cheerful beverage 
 known as jalap, and thresh the sheets with my hot hands. I 
 address large assemblages, who have somehow got into my 
 room, and I charge Dr. Williamson with the murder of Luce, 
 and Mr. Irwin, the actor, with the murder of Shakspeare. I 
 have a lucid spell now and then, in one of which James Town- 
 send, the landlord, enters. He whispers, but I hear what he 
 says far too distinctly : " This man can have anything and 
 everything he wants ; but I'm no hand for a sick room. 1 
 never could see anybody die" 
 
 That was cheering, I thought. 
 
 I lay there in this wild, broiling way for nearly two weeks, 
 when one morning I woke up with my head clear and an im- 
 mense plaster on my stomach. The plaster had operated. I 
 was so raw that I could by no means say to Dr. Williamson, 
 Well done, thou good and faithful servant. I wished he had 
 lathed me before he plastered me. I was fearfully weak. I 
 was frightfully thin. With either one of my legs you could 
 have cleaned the stem of a meerschaum pipe. My backbone 
 had the appearance of a clothes-line with a quantity of English 
 walnuts strung upon it. My face was almost gone. My 
 nose was so sharp that I didn't dare stick it into other people's 
 business for fear it would stay there. But by borrowing mj 
 agent's overcoat I succeeded in producing a shadow. 
 
THE MOUNTAIN FEVER. 211 
 
 J hare been looking at Zion all day, and ny feet are sore 
 and my legs are weary. I go back to the Salt Lake Houss 
 and have a talk with landlord Townsend about the State of 
 Maine. He came from that bleak region, having skinned his 
 'infantile eyes in York county. He was at Nauvoo, aDcl wag 
 forced to sell his entire property there for $50. He has thrived 
 in Utah, however, and is much thought of by the Church He 
 h an Elder, and preaches occasionally. He has only two 
 wives. I hear lately that he has sold his property for $25,000 
 to Brigham Young, and gone to England to make converts. 
 How impressive he may be as an expounder of the Mormon 
 gospel, I don't know. His beefsteaks and chicken-pies, how- 
 ever, were first-rate. James and I talk about Maine, and cor- 
 dially agree that so far as pine boards and horse-mackerel are 
 concerned, it is equalled by few and excelled by none. There 
 is no place like home, as Clara, the Maid of Milan, very justly 
 observes ; and while J. Townsend would be unhappy in Maine, 
 his heart evidently beats back there now and then. 
 
 I heard the love of home oddly illustrated in Oregon, one 
 night, in a country bar-room. Some well-dressed men, in a 
 state of strong drink, were boasting of their respective places 
 of nativity. 
 
 " I," said one, ec was born in Mississippi, where the sun 
 ever shines and the magnolias bloom all the happy year round." 
 
 " And I," said another, " was born in Kentucky — Ken 
 tucky, the home of impassioned oratory : the home of Clay 
 the State of splendid women, of gallant men ! " 
 
 " And I," said another, " was born in Virginia, the home of 
 Washington : the birthplace of statesmen : the State of chival- 
 ric deeds and noble hospitality ! " * 
 
 " And I," said a yellow-haired and sallow-faced man, who 
 was not of this party at all, and who had been quietly smoking 
 a short black pipe by the fire during their magnificent conver- 
 sation — " and I was born in the garden spot of America." 
 
 " Where is that ? " they said. 
 
212 « I AM HERE?— BRIGHAM 70UNQ. 
 
 " Skeouhegan, Maine / " lie replied ; u kin I sell you a razor 
 strop ? " 
 
 XI. 
 
 " I AM HERE." 
 
 Sitting Li a New England country store one day I oxer 
 heard the following dialogue between two brothers : 
 
 " Say, Bill, wot you done with that air sorrel mare of 
 yourn ? " 
 
 (( Sold her," said William, with a smile of satisfaction. 
 
 "Wot'd you git?" 
 
 " Hund'd an' fifty dollars, cash deown ! " 
 
 " Show ! Hund'd an' fifty for that kickin' spavin'd critter ? 
 Who'd you sell her to?" 
 
 " Sold her to mother ! " 
 
 " Wot ! " exclaimed brother No. 1, " did you railly sell that 
 kickin' spavin'd critter to mother. Wall, you air a shrewd 
 one!" 
 
 XII. 
 
 BRIGHAM YOUNG. 
 
 Brigham Young sends word I may see him to-morrow. 
 
 At two o'clock the next afternoon Mr. Hiram B. Clawson, 
 Brigham Young's son-in-law and chief business manager, calls 
 for me with the Prophet's private sleigh, and we start for that 
 distinguished person's block. 
 
 ' I am shown into the Prophet's chief office. He comes for- 
 ward, greets me cordially, and introduces me to several influen* 
 fcial Mormons who are present. 
 
 Brigham Young is 62 years old, of medium height, and with 
 
BRIOHAM YOUNG. 213 
 
 sandy hair and whiskers. An active, iron man, with a cleat 
 sharp eye. A man of consummate shrewdness — of great ex 
 ecutive ability. He was born in the State of Vermont, and so 
 by the way was Heber C. Kimball, who will wear the Mormon 
 Belt; when Brigham leaves the ring. 
 
 Brigham Young is a man of great natural ability. If you 
 18k me, How pious is he ? I treat it as a conundrum, and give 
 it up. Personally he treated me with marked kindness through- 
 out my sojourn in Utah. 
 
 His power in Utah is quite as absolute as that of any living 
 sovereign, yet he uses it with such consummate shrewdness 
 that his people are passionately devoted to him. 
 
 He was an Elder at the first formal Mormon " stake " in this 
 country, at Kirtland, Ohio, and went to Nauvoo with Joseph 
 Smith. That distinguished Mormon handed his mantle and 
 the Prophet business over to Brigham when he died at Nauvoo 
 
 Smith did a more flourishing business in the Prophet line 
 than B. Y. does. Smith used to have his little Revelation 
 almost every day — sometimes two before dinner. B. Y. only 
 takes one once in a while. 
 
 The gateway of his block is surmounted by a brass American 
 eagle, and they say (" they say " here means anti-Mormons) 
 that he receives his spiritual dispatches through this piece of 
 patriotic poultry. They also say that he receives revelations 
 from a stuffed white calf that is trimmed with red ribbons and 
 kept in an iron box. I don't suppose these things are true. 
 Rumor says that when the Lion House was ready to be shingled, 
 Brigham received a message from the Lord stating that 
 the carpenters must all take hold and shingle it, and not charge 
 a red cent for their services. Such carpenters as refused to 
 shingle would go to hell, and no postponement on account of 
 the weather. They say that Brigham, whenever a train of 
 emigrants arrives in Salt Lake City, orders all the women to 
 march up and down before his block, while he stands on the 
 portico of the Lion House and gobbles up the prettiest ones. 
 
 He is an immensely wealthy man. His wealth is variously 
 
214 BBIGHAM YOUNG. 
 
 estimated at from ten to twenty millions of dollars. He owns 
 saw mills, grist mills, woollen factories, brass and iron foundries, 
 farms, brick-yards, &c, and superintends them all in person. 
 
 Nobody seems to know how many wives Brigham Young 
 has. Some set the number as high as eighty, in which case 
 hi s children must be too numerous to mention. Each wife has 
 a room to herself. These rooms are large and airy, and I sup- 
 pose they are supplied with all the modern improvements. 
 But never having been invited to visit them I can't speak very 
 definitely about this. When I left the Prophet he shook me 
 cordially by the hand, and invited me to call again. This was 
 flattering, because if he dislikes a man at the first interview he 
 never sees him again. He made no allusion to the " letter " 1 
 had written about his community. Outside guards were pac- 
 ing up and down before the gateway, but they smiled upon me 
 sweetly. The veranda was crowded with Gentile miners, who 
 seemed to be surprised that I didn't return in a wooden over 
 coat, with my throat neatly laid open from ear to ear. 
 
 I go to the Theatre to-night. I was an actor once, myself. 
 I supported Edwin Forrest at a theatre in Philadelphia. I 
 played a pantomimic part. I removed the chairs between 
 scenes, and I did it so neatly that Mr. F. said I would make a 
 cabinet-maker if I (t applied " myself. 
 
 The parquette of the theatre is occupied exclusively by the 
 Mormons and their wives and children. They wouldn't let a 
 Gentile in there any more than they would a serpent. In the 
 side seats are those of President's Young's wives who go to the 
 play, and a large and varied assortment of children. It is an 
 odd sight to see a jovial old Mormon file down the parquette 
 aisle with ten or twenty robust wives at his heels. Yet thia 
 spectacle may be witnessed e^ery night the theatre is opened. 
 
HURRAH FOR THE ROAD! 215 
 
 The dress circle is chiefly occupied by the officers from Camp 
 Douglas and the Gentile Merchants. The upper circles Are 
 filled by the private soldiers and Mormon boys. I feel bound 
 to say that a Mormon audience is quite as appreciative as any 
 other kind of an audience. They prefer comedv to tragedy. 
 Sentimental plays, for obvious reasons, are unpopular witfe 
 them. It will be remembered that "when 0. Melnotte, in tha 
 Lady of Lyons, comes home from the wars, he folds Pauline to 
 his heaving heart and makes several remarks of an impassioned 
 and slobbering character. One night when the Lady of Lyons 
 was produced here, an aged Mormon arose and went out with 
 his twenty-four wives, angrily stating that he wouldn't sit and 
 see a play where a man made such a cussed fuss over one woman. 
 
 Brigham Young usually sits in the middle of the parquette, 
 in a rocking-chair, and with his hat on. He does not escort 
 his wives to the theatre. They go alone. When the play 
 drags he either falls into a tranquil sleep or walks out. He 
 wears in winter time a green wrapper, and his hat is the style 
 introduced into this country by Louis Kossuth, Esq., the liber- 
 ator of Hungaria. (I invested a dollar in the liberty of Hun- 
 garia nearly fifteen years ago.) 
 
 I lectured here, and I can only say that I was never listened 
 fco more kindly than I was by this audience. 
 
 XIII. 
 
 HURRAH FOR THE ROAD ! 
 
 Time, Wednesday afternoon, February 10 The Overlaid 
 Stage, Mr. William Glover on the box, stanas before the %^8« 
 randa of the Salt Lake House. 
 
 We go away on wheels, but the deep snow compels u» 
 substitute runners twelve miles out. 
 
 There are four passengers of us. We pierce the Wah 
 mountains by Parley's canon. 
 
216 HURRAH FOR THE ROAD! 
 
 We reach "Weber station, thirty miles from Sail Lake City 
 and wildly situated at the foot of the grand Echo Canon, a< 3 
 o'clock the following morning. We remain over a day 1 ere 
 with James Bromley, agent of the Overland Stage line, and 
 who is better known on the plains than Shakspeare is ; although 
 Shakspeare has done a good deal for the stage. James Bromley 
 lias seen the Overland line grow up from its ponyicy ; and as 
 Fitz-Green Halleck happily observes, none know him but to 
 like his style. He was intended for an agent. In his infancy 
 he used to lisp the refrain, 
 
 " I want to be an agent, 
 And with the agents stand." 
 
 Forward to Fort Bridger, in an open sleigh. Night clear, 
 cold, and moonlit. Driver Mr. Samuel Smart. Through Echc 
 Canon to Hanging Bock Station. The snow is very deep, 
 there is no path, and we literally shovel our way to Bobert 
 Pollock's station, which we achieve in the Course of Time. 
 Mr. P. gets up and kindles a fire, and a snowy nightcap and a 
 pair of very bright black eyes beam upon us from the bed. 
 That is Mrs. Bobert Pollock. The log cabin is a comfortable 
 one. I make coffee in my French coffee-pot, and let loose 
 some of the roast chickens in my basket. Mrs. Bollock tells 
 me where I can find cream for the coffee, and cups and saucers 
 for the same, and appears so kind, that I regret our stay is so 
 limited that we can't see more of her. 
 
 On to Yellow Creek Station. Then Needle Bock — a deso- 
 late hut on the Desert, house and barn in one building. The 
 station-keeper is a miserable, toothless wretch, with shaggy yel- 
 low hair, but says he's going to get married. I think I see him 
 
 Pass Quaking Asp Springs and Muddy to Fort Bridger. Here 
 are a group of white buildings, built round a plaza, across the 
 middle of which runs a creek. 
 
 We are on the road again, Sunday the 14th, with a driver of 
 the highly floral name of Primrose. At 7 the next morning we 
 reach Green Biver Station, and enter Idaho Territory. This is 
 
HUMRAH FOR THE ROAD! 217 
 
 the Bitter Creek division of the Overland route, of which we had 
 heard so many unfavorable stories. The division is really well 
 managed by Mr. Stewart, though the country through which it 
 stretches is the most wretched I ever saw. The water is liquid 
 alkali, and the roads are soft sand. The snow is gone now, 
 and the dust is thick and blinding. So drearily, wearily we 
 drag onward. 
 
 We reach the summit of the Rocky Mountains at midnight 
 on the 17th. The climate changes suddenly, and the cold is in- 
 tense. "We resume runners, have a breakdown, and are forced 
 to walk four miles. 
 
 I remember that one of the numerous reasons urged in favor 
 of General Fremont's election to the Presidency in 1856 was 
 his finding the path across the Rocky Mountains. I wrung my 
 frost-bitten hands on that dreadful night, and declared that foi 
 me to deliberately go over that path in mid-winter was a suf 
 ficient reason for my election to any lunatic asylum, by an over- 
 whelming vote. 
 
 Another sensation. Not comic this time. One of our pas- 
 sengers, a fair-haired German boy, whose sweet ways had quite 
 won us all, sank on the snow, and said — Let me sleep. We 
 knew only too well what that meant, and tried hard to rouse him 
 It was in vain. Let me sleep, he said. And so in the cold 
 starlight he died. We took him up tenderly from the snow 
 and bore him to the sleigh that awaited us by the roadside, some 
 two miles away. The new moon was shining now, and the smile 
 on the sweet white face told how painlessly the poor boy had 
 died. No one knew him. He was from the Bannock mines, 
 was ill-clad, had no baggage or money, and his fare was paid to 
 Denver. He had said that he was going back to Germany. 
 That was all we knew. So at sunrise the next morning we 4 
 buried him at the foot c I the grand mountains that are snow- 
 covered and icy all the year round, far away from the Faderland, 
 where, it may be, some poor mother is crying for her darling who 
 will not come. 
 
 10 
 
218 HURRAH FOR THE ROAD! 
 
 We strike the North Platte on the 18th. 
 
 At Elk Mountain we encounter a religious driver named 
 Edward Whitney, who never swears at the mules. This has 
 made him distinguished all over the plains. Fort Halleck is a 
 mile from Elk, and here are some troops of the Ohio 11th regi- 
 ment, under the command of Major Thomas L. Mackey. 
 
 On the 20th we reach Bocky Thomas's justly celebrated sta- 
 tion at 5 in the morning, and have a breakfast of hashed black- 
 tailed deer, antelope steaks, ham, boiled bear, honey, eggs, coffee, 
 tea, and cream. That was the squarest meal on the road except 
 at Weber. 
 
 To Virginia Dale. Weather clear and bright. Virginia 
 Dale is a pretty spot, a sit ought to be with such a pretty name ; 
 but I treated with no little scorn the advice of a hunter I met 
 there, who told me to give up ct literatoor," form a matrimonial 
 alliance with some squaws, and " settle down thar. " 
 
 Bannock on the brain ! That is what is the matter now. Wag- 
 on-load after wagon-load of emigrants, bound to the new Idaho 
 gold regions, meet us every hour. Canvas-covered and drawn 
 for the most part by fine large mules, they make a pleasant pan- 
 orama, as they stretch slowly over the plains and uplands. We 
 strike the South Platte Sunday, the 21st, and breakfast at 
 Latham, a station of one-horse proportions. We are now in 
 Colorado ( " Pike's Peak "), and we diverge from the main route 
 here and visit the flourishing and beautiful city of Denver, 
 where I lecture. 
 
 We go to the Mountains from Denver, visiting the celebrated 
 gold-mining towns of Black Hawk and Central City. I leave 
 this queen of all the territories, quite firmly believing that its 
 future is to be no less brilliant than its past has been. 
 
 Back to Latham again over a marshy road, and on to Nebraska 
 by the main stage-line. 
 
 '. We reach Julesberg, Colorado, the 1st of March. We are 
 in the country of the Sioux Indians now, and encounter them 
 ly the hundred. A Chief offers to sell me his daughter (a fair 
 young Indian maiden) for six dollars and two quarts of whiskey. 
 I decline to trade* 
 
VffllY MUCH MARRIED. 219 
 
 Kansas, 10l> miles from Atchison. Atchison ! No traveller 
 by sea ever longed to set his foot on shore as we longed to reach 
 the end of our dreary coach-ride over the wildest part of the 
 whole continent. How we talked Atchison, and dreamed 
 Atchison, for the next fifty hours ! Atchison, I shall always 
 love you. You were evidently mistaken, Atchison, when you 
 told me that in case I " lectured " there, immense crowds would 
 throng to the hall ; but you are very dear to me. Let me kiss 
 you for your maternal parent ! 
 
 "We are passing through the reservation of the Otoe Indians, 
 who long ago washed the war-paint from their faces, buried the 
 tomahawk, and settled down into quiet, prosperous farmers. 
 
 We rattle leisurely into Atchison on a Sunday evening. 
 Lights gleam in the windows of milk-white churches, and they 
 tell us, far better than anything else could, that we are back to 
 civilization again. 
 
 XIV. 
 
 VERY MUCH MARRIED. 
 
 Are the Mormon women happy ? 
 
 I give it up. I don't know. Apparently, the Mormon 
 women are happy. I saw them at their best, of course — at 
 balls, tea-parties, and the like. They were like other women as 
 far as my observation extended. They were hooped, and furbe- 
 lowed, and shod, and white-collared, and bejewelled; and ^ike 
 women all over the world, they were softer-eyed and kinder- 
 hearted than men can ever hope to be. 
 
 The Mormon girl is reared to believe that the plurality wife 
 Bystem (as it is delicately called here) is strictly right ; and in 
 'linking her destiny with a man who has twelve wives, she un 
 
220 VERY MUCH MARRIED. 
 
 doubtedly considers she is doing her duty. She loves ilie man ; 
 probably, for I think it is not true, as so many writers have 
 stated, that girls are forced to marry whomsoever " the 
 Church " may dictate. Some parents no doubt advise, connive, 
 threaten, and in aggravated cases incarcerate here, as some par- 
 ents have always done elsewhere, and always will do as long aa 
 petticoats continue to be an institution. 
 
 How these dozen or twenty wives get along without heart- 
 burnings and hairpullings, I can't see. 
 
 There are instances on record, you know, where a man don'i 
 live in a state of uninterrupted bliss with one wife. And to 
 gay that a man can possess twenty wives without having his 
 special favorite, or favorites, is to say that he is an angel in 
 boots — which is something I have never been introduced to. 
 You never saw an angel with a Beard, although you may have 
 S3en the Bearded Woman. 
 
 The Mormon woman is early taught that man, being created 
 in the image of the Saviour, is far more godly than she can ever 
 be, and that for her to seek to monopolize his affections is a 
 species of rank sin. So she shares his affections with five or six 
 or twenty other women, as the case may be. 
 
 A man must be amply able to support a number of wives be- 
 fore he can take them. Hence, perhaps, it is that so many old 
 chaps in Utah have young and blooming wives in their seraglios, 
 and so many young men have only one. 
 
 I had a man pointed out to me who married an entire family. 
 He had originally intended to marry Jane, but Jane did not 
 want to leave her widowed mother. The other three sisters 
 were not in the matrimonial market for the same reason ; so 
 this gallant man married the whole crowd, including the girl's 
 grandmother, who had lost all her teeth, and had to be fed with 
 a spoon, The family were in indigent circumstances, and they 
 could not but congratulate themselves on securing a wealthy hus- 
 band. It seemed to affect the grandmother deeply, for the first 
 words she said on reaching her new home were : " Now, thank 
 God ! I shall have my gruel reg'lar ! " 
 
VERT MUCH MARRIED. 221 
 
 The name of Joseph Smith is worshipped in Utah ; and, 
 11 they say," that although he has been dead a good many years, 
 he still keeps on marrying women by proxy. He " reveals " 
 who shall act as his earthly agent in this matter, and the agent 
 faithfully executes the defunct Prophet's commands. 
 
 I have somewhere stated that Brigham Young is said to have 
 eighty wives. I hardly think he has so many. Mr. Hyde, the 
 backslider, says in his book that " Brigham always sleeps by 
 himself, in a little chamber behind his office ; " and if he has 
 eighty wives I don't blame him. He must be bewildered. I 
 know very well that if I had eighty wives of my bosom I should 
 be confused, and shouldn't sleep anywhere. I undertook to count 
 the long stockings, on the clothes-line, in his back yard one day, 
 and I used up the multiplication table in less than half an 
 hour. 
 
 In this book I am writing chiefly of what I saw, and to elab- 
 orately denounce, at this late day, a system we all know must 
 be wildly wrong, would be simply to impeach the intelligence 
 of the readers of this book. 
 
5>£/r <S«* 
 
 Artemus suggests that the Otoe Indian bury his tomahawk, and 
 settle down to farming. 
 
 See Page 219. 
 
PAET V. 
 ARTEMUS WARD IN LONDON. 
 
 THE LONDON PUNCH LETTERS. 
 I. 
 
 ARRIVAL IN LONDON. 
 
 Mr. Punch : My dear Sir, — You prob'ly didn't meet my 
 uncle Wilyim when he was on these shores. I jedge so from 
 the fack that his pursoots wasn't litrary. Commerce, which 
 it has been trooly observed by a statesman, or somebody, 
 is the foundation stone onto which a nation's greatness rests, 
 glorious Commerce was Uncle "Wilyim's fort. He sold soap. 
 It smelt pretty, and redily commanded two pents a cake. I'm 
 the only litrary man in our fam'ly. It is troo, I once had a 
 dear cuzzun who wrote 22 verses onto <l A Child who nearly 
 Died of the Measles, O ! " but as he injoodiciously introjuced 
 a chorious at the end of each stansy, the parrents didn't like it 
 at all. The father in particler wept afresh, assaulted my cuzzun, 
 and said he never felt so ridicklus in his intire life. The on- 
 happy result was that my cuzzun abandind poetry forever, and 
 went back to shoemakin, a shattered man. 
 
 My Uncle Wilyim disposed of his soap, and returned to his 
 nativ land with a very exolted opinyon of the British public. 
 " It is a edycated community," said he ; " they're a intellectooal 
 peple. In one small village alone I sold 50 cakes of soap, in 
 cloodin barronial halls, where they offered me a ducal coronet, 
 
224 TEE LONDON PUNCH LETTEE8. 
 
 but I said no — give it to the poor." This "was the "way Uncle 
 Wilyim went on. He told us, however, some stories that was 
 rather too much to be easily swallerd. In fack, my Uncle 
 Wilyim was not a emblem of trooth. He retired some yeara 
 a^o on a hansum comptency derived from the insurance-money 
 he received on a rather shaky skooner he owned, and which 
 turned up while lyin at a wharf one night, the cargo bavin 
 fortnitly been remooved the day afore the disastriss calamty oo« 
 curd. Uncle Wilyim said it was one of the most sing'ler 
 things he ever heard of; and, after collectin the insurance 
 money, he bust into a flood of tears, and retired to his farm 
 in Pennsylvany. He was my uncle by marriage only. I do 
 not say that he wasn't a honest man. I simply say that if 
 you have a uncle, and bitter experunce tells you it is more 
 profitable in a pecoonery pint of view to put pewter spoons in- 
 stid of silver ones onto the table when that uncle dines with 
 you in a frenly way — I simply say .nere is sumthun wrong in 
 our social sistim, which calls loudly for reform. 
 
 I 'rived on these shores at Liverpool, and proceeded at 
 once to London. I stopt at the Washington Hotel in Liv- 
 erpool, because it was named after a countryman of mine 
 who didn't get his living by makin' mistakes, and whose 
 mem'ry is dear to civilized peple all over the world, be- 
 cause he was gentle and good as well as trooly great, 
 We read in Histry of any number of great individooals, but 
 how few of 'em, alars ! should we want to take home to supper 
 with lis! Among others, I would call your attention to Alex- 
 ander the Great, who conkerd the world, and wept because he 
 couldn't do it sum more, and then took to gin-and-seltzer, get- 
 tin' tight every day afore dinner with the most disgustin' reg'- 
 larity, causin' his parunts to regret they hadn't 'prenticed him 
 in his early youth to a biskit-baker, or some other occupation 
 of a peaceful and quiet character. I say, therefore, to the great 
 men now livin' (you could put 'em all into Hyde Park, by the 
 way, and still leave room for a large and respectable concourse 
 of rioters) — be good. I say to that gifted but bald-heded 
 
Artemus Ward arrives in London — Introduces himself to Mr 
 Punch. [See Page 224.] 
 
ARRIVAL IN LONDON. 225 
 
 Prooshun, Bismarck, be good and gentle in your ho ai of tri 
 ump. I always am. I admit that our lines is different, Bis- 
 marck's and mine ; but the same glo'rus principle is involved- 
 I am a exhibiter of startlin' curiositys, wax works, snaix, etsetry 
 (" either of whom," as a American statesman whose name I 
 ain't at liberty to mention for perlitical resins, as he expecka 
 to be a candidate for a prom'nent offiss, and hence doesn't wish 
 to excite the rage and jelisy of other showmen — "either of 
 whom is wuth dubble the price of admission ") ; I say I am a 
 exhibiter of startlin curiositys, and I also have my hours of 
 triump, but I try to be good in 'em. If you say, " Ah 7 yes, 
 but also your hours of grief and misfortin ; " I answer^ it ia 
 troo, and you prob'ly refer to the circumstans of my hirin' a 
 young man of dissypated habits to fix hisself up as a A real 
 Cannibal from New Zeelan, and when I was simply tellin the 
 audience that he was the most feroshus Cannibal of his tribe, 
 and that, alone and unassisted, he had et sev'ril of our fellow- 
 countrymen, and that he had at one time even contemplated 
 eatin his Uncle Thomas on his mother's side, as well as other 
 near and dear relatives, — when I was makin' these simple 
 statements, the mis'ble young man said I was a Iyer, and knockt 
 me diff the platform. Not quite satisfied with this, he cum and 
 trod hevily on me, and as he was a very muscular person and 
 wore remarkable thick boots, I knew at once that a canary bird 
 wasn't walkin' over me. 
 
 I admit that my ambition overlept herself in this instuns,- 
 and I've been very careful ever since to deal square with the 
 p j.blic. If I was the public I should insist on squareness, tho' 
 I shouldn't do as a portion of my audience did on the occasion 
 jest mentioned, which they was emplyed in sum naberin' coal 
 mines. " As you hain't got no more Cannybals to show us, old 
 man," said one of 'em, who seemed to be a kind of leader among 
 em' — a tall dis'greeble skoundril — " as you seem to be out of 
 Cannybals, we'll sorter look round here and fix things. Them 
 wax figgers of yours want washin'. There's Napoleon Bony 
 parte and Julius Oresar — they must have a bath," with which 
 
226 ABEIVAL IN LONDON. 
 
 coarse and brutal remark lie imitated the shrill war-hoop of th$ 
 western savigo, and, assisted by his infamus coal-heavin com* 
 panyins, he threw all my wax-work into the river, and let my 
 wild bears loose to pray on a peaceful and inoffensive agricul- 
 tural community. 
 
 Leavin Liverpool (I'm goin' back there, tho — I want to see 
 the Docks, which I heard spoken of at least once while I was 
 there) I cum to London in a 1st class car, passin' the time 
 very agreeable in discussin, with a countryman of mine, the 
 celebrated Schleswig-Holstein question. We took that int'rest- 
 ing question up and carefully traced it from the time it com- 
 menced being so, down to the present day, when my countryman, 
 at the close of a four hours' annymated debate, said he didn't 
 know anything about it himself, and he wanted to know if I 
 did. I told him that I did not. He's at Ramsgate now, and 
 I am to write him when I feel like givin him two days in which 
 to discuss the question of negro slavery in America. But now 
 I do not feel like it. 
 
 London at last, and I'm stoppin at the Greenlion tavern. I 
 like the lan'lord very much indeed. He had fallen into a few 
 trinin errers in regard to America — he was under the impres- 
 sion, for instance, that we et hay over there, and had horns 
 growin out of the back part of our heads — but his chops and 
 beer is ekal to any I ever pertook. You must cum and see 
 me and bring the boys. I'm told that Garrick used to cum 
 here, but I'm growin skeptycal about Garrick's favorit taverns* 
 I've had over 500 public-houses pinted out to me where Garrick 
 went. I was indooced one night, by a seleck comp'ny of Brit- 
 ons, to visit sum 25 public-houses, and they confidontially told 
 me that Garrick used to go to each one of 'em. Also, Dr. 
 Johnson. This won't do, you know. 
 
 May be I've rambled a bit in this comm any cation. I'll try 
 snd be more collected in my next, and meanwhile, b'lieve m« 
 
 Trooly i ours, 
 
 Autemus Vabd. 
 
PERSONAL RECOLLECTIONS. 22? 
 
 II. 
 
 PERSONAL RECOLLECTIONS. 
 
 You'l*. be glad to learn that I've made a good impression 
 onto the mind of the lan'lord of the Greenlion tavern. He 
 made a speech about me last night. Bisin' in the bar he spoke 
 as follers, there bein over 20 individooals present: "This 
 North American has been a inmate of my 'ouse over two weeks, 
 yit he hasn't made no attempt to scalp any member of my 
 fam'ly. He hasn't broke no cups or sassers, or furnitur of any 
 kind. (Hear, hear.) I find I can trust him with lited candles. 
 He eats his wittles with a knife and a fork. Peple of this kind 
 should be encurridged. I purpose 'is 'elth ! " {Loud 'plaws.) 
 What could I do but modestly get up and express a fervint 
 hope that the Atlantic Cable would bind the two countries still 
 more closely together ? The lan'lord said my speech was full 
 of orig'nality, but his idee was the old stage coach was more 
 safer, and he tho't peple would indors that opinyin in doo time. 
 I'm gettin' on exceedin' well in London. I see now, however, 
 that I made a mistake in orderin' my close afore 1 left home. 
 The trooth is the taler in our little villige owed me for a pig 
 and I didn't see any other way of gettin' my pay. Ten years 
 ago these close would no doubt have been fash'n'ble, and per- 
 haps they would be ekally sim'lar ten years hens. But now . 
 they're diff'rently. The taler said he know'd they was all right, 
 because he had a brother in Wales who kept him informed 
 about London famiins reg'lar. This was a infamus falsehood. 
 But as the ballud says (which I heard a gen'l'man in a ne"W 
 soot of black close and white kid gloves sing t'other night), 
 Never don't let us Despise a Man because he wears a Baggid 
 Coat ! I don't know as we do, by the way, tho' we gen'rally 
 get out of his way pretty rapid ; prob'ly on account of the pity 
 which tears out boosums for his onhappy condition. 
 This last remark is i sirkastic and witherin' thrust at them 
 
228 PEKSONAL RECOLLECTlOirS. 
 
 blotid peple "who live in gilded saloons. I tho't I'd explain my 
 meanin' to you. I frekently have to explain the meanin' of 
 my remarks. I know one man — :md he's a man of varid 
 'complishments — who often reads my articles over 20 times 
 afore he can make anything of 'em at all. Our skoolmaster to 
 home says this is a pecoolerarity of geneyus. My wife says it 
 is a pecoolerarity of infernal nonsens. She's a exceedta* 
 practycal woman. I luv her muchly, however, and humei 
 her little ways. It's a recklis falshood that she henpecka 
 me, and the young man in our neighborhood who said to me 
 one evenin', as I was mistenin' my diafram with a gentle 
 cocktail at the villige tavun — who said to me in these very 
 langwidge, "Go home, old man, onless you desires to have 
 another teapot throwd at you by B. J.," probly regrets havin 
 said so. I said, " Betsy Jane is my wife's front name, gentle 
 yooth, and I permits no person to alood to her as B. J. out- 
 side of the family circle, of which I am it principally my- 
 self. Your other observations I scorn and disgust, and I must 
 pollish you off." He was a able-bodied young man, and, re- 
 moovin his coat, he inqiiired if I wanted to be ground to 
 powder ? I said, Yes : if there was a Powder-grindist handy, 
 nothin would 'ford me greater pleasure, when he struck me a 
 painful blow into my right eye, causin' me to make a rapid 
 retreat into the fireplace. I hadn't no idee that the enemy 
 was so well organised. But I rallied and went for him, in a 
 rayther vigris style for my time of life. His parunts lived 
 near by, and I will simply state 15 minits had only elapst after 
 the first act when he was carried, l.ome on a shutter. His 
 mama met the solium procession at the door, and after keer- 
 fully looking her orfspring over, she said, " My son, I see how 
 it is distinctually. You've been foolin' round a Trashin 
 Masheen. You wjnt in at the place where they put the grain 
 in,- cum out with the straw, and you got up into the thingamy- 
 jig, and let the horses tred on you, didn't you, my son ? " The 
 pen of no liven Orthur could describe that disfortnit young 
 man's sittywation more clearer. But I was sorry for him, and 
 

 PERSONAL RECOLLECTIONS. 229 
 
 I went and missed him till he got well. His reg'lar original 
 father being absent to the war, I told him I'd be a father to 
 him myself. He smilt a sickly smile, and said I'd already 
 been wus than two fathers to him. 
 
 I will here obsarve that fitin orter be allns avided, excep in 
 extreem cases. My principle is, if a man smites me on the 
 right cheek I'll turn my left to him, prob'ly ; but if he insin* 
 ooates that my gran'mother wasn't all right, I'll punch his 
 hed. But fitin is mis'ble bisniss, gen'rally speakin, and when- 
 ever any enterprisin countryman of mine cums over here to 
 scoop up a Briton in the prize ring I'm alius excessively 
 tickled when he gets scooped hisself, which it is a sad fack has 
 thus far been the case — my only sorrer bein' that t'other 
 feller wasn't scooped likewise. It's diff'rently with scullin 
 boats, which is a manly sport, and I can only explain Mr. 
 Hamil's resunt defeat in this country on the grounds that he 
 wasn't used to British water. I hope this explanation will be 
 entirely satisfact'ry to all. 
 
 As I remarked afore, I'm gettin' on well. I'm aware that 
 I'm in the great metrop'lis of the world, and it doesn't make 
 me onhappy to admit the fack. A man is a ass who dispoots 
 it. That's all that ails him. I know there is sum peple who 
 cum over here and snap and snarl 'bout this and that : I 
 know one man who says it is a shame and a disgraice that St. 
 Paul's Church isn't a older edifiss ; he says it should be years 
 and even ages older than it is ; but I decline to hold myself 
 responsible for the conduck of this idyit simply because he's 
 my countryman. I spose every civ'lised land is endowed with 
 its full share of gibberin' idyits, and it can't be helpt — least- 
 ways I can't think of any effectooal plan of helpin' it. 
 
 I'm a little sorry you've got politics over here, but I shall 
 not diskuss 'em with nobody. Tear me to peaces with wild 
 omnibus hosses, and I won't diskuss 'em. I've had quite enufl 
 of 'em at home, thank you. I was at Birmingham t'other 
 aight, and went to the great meetin' for a few minits I 
 
230 PERSONAL RECOLLECTIONS. 
 
 hadn't been in the hall long when a stern-lookin' artisan saic 
 
 to me: 
 
 "Ycuar from Wales?" 
 
 No, I told him I didn't think I was. A hidgyis tho't flasht 
 over me. Ifc was of that onprincipled taler, and I said, "Hap 
 iny clothin' a Welchy appearance ? " 
 
 " Not by no means," he answered, and then he said, " And 
 what is your opinyin of the present crisis ? " 
 
 I said, " I don't zackly know. Have you got it very bad? '' 
 
 He replied, " Sir, it is sweepin' over England like the Cy- 
 moon of the Desert ! " 
 
 " Wall," I said, " let it sweep ! " 
 
 He ceased me by the arm and said, "Let us glance at 
 hist'ry. It is now some two thousand years — " 
 
 « Is it, indeed? " I replied. 
 
 " Listin ! " he fiercely cried ; " it is only a little over two 
 thousand years since — " 
 
 " Oh, bother ! " I remarkt, " let us go out and git some beer." 
 
 "No, Sir. I want no gross and sensual beer. I'll not 
 move from this spot till I can vote. Who ar you ? " 
 
 I handed him my card, which, in addition to my name, con- 
 tains a elabrit description of my show. " Now, Sir," I proudly 
 said, " you know me ? " 
 
 " I sollumly swear," he sternly replied, " that I never heard 
 of you, or your show, in my life ! " 
 
 "And this man," I cried bitterly, "calls hisself a intelligent 
 man, and thinks he orter be allowed to vote ! What a holler 
 mockery ! " 
 
 I've no objection to ev'ry intelligent man votin' if he wants 
 to. It's a pleasant amoosement, no doubt ; but there is ihose 
 whose igrance is so dense and loathsum that they shouldn't be 
 trustid with a ballit any more'n one of my trained serpunta 
 should be trusted with a child to play with. 
 
 1 went to the station with a view of returnin' to town on 
 the cars. "This way, Sir," said the guard; "here you ar," 
 
THE QREENLLON AND OLIVER CROMWELL. 231 
 
 and he pinted to a first-class carrige, the sole ockepant of which 
 seas a rayther prepossessin' female of about 30 summers. 
 " No, I thank you," I ernestly replied, " I prefer to walk.' 1 
 I am, dear Sir # 
 
 "Very respectivly yours, 
 Artemus Ward. 
 
 III. 
 
 THE GREENLION AND OLIVER CROMWELL. 
 
 Mr. Punch, My dear Sir, — It is now two weeks since 
 a rayther strange lookin man engaged 'partments at the Green- 
 lion. He stated he was from the celebrated United States, 
 but beyond this he said nothin. He seem'd to prefer solly- 
 tood. He remained mostly in his room, and whenever he did 
 show hisself he walkt in a moody and morose manner in the 
 garding, with his hed bowed down and his arms foldid across 
 his brest. He reminded me sumwhat of the celebrated but 
 onhappy J\fr. Sailer, in the cheerful play of The Stranger. 
 This man puzzled me. I'd been puzzled afore several times^ 
 but never so severally as now. Mine Ost of the Greenlion 
 said I must interrigate this strange bein, who claimed to be my 
 countryman. lC He hasn't called for a drop of beer since he's 
 been in this ere Ouse," said the landlord. " I look to you," 
 he added, " to clear up this dark, this orful mistry ! " 
 
 I wringed the lan'lord's honest hand, and told him to con- 
 sider the mistry cleared up. 
 
 I gained axes to the misterus bein's room, and by talkin 
 «weet to him for a few minits, I found out who he was. Then 
 returnin to the lan'lord, who was nervisly pacin up and down 
 the bar, I said, 
 
 tt Sweet Rolando, don't tremble no more ! I've torn the 
 marsk from the hawty stranger's face, and dived into the re- 
 cesses of his inmost sole ! He's a Trans-Mejim ! " 
 
232 THE OREENLION AND OLIVER CROMWELL. 
 
 I'd been to the Beefanham theatre the previs evenin, ana 
 probly the dram to er I saw affected me, because I'm not in the 
 habit of goin on as per above. I like the Beefanham theatre 
 very much indeed, because there a enthoosiastic lover of the 
 theatre like myself can unite the legitermit drammer with fish, 
 Thus, "while your enrapterd soul drinks in the lorfty and noble 
 sentences of the gifted artists, you can eat a biled mack'ril jest 
 as comfor'bly as in your own house. I felt constrained, how- 
 ever, to tell a fond mother who sot immegitly behind me, and 
 who was accompanied by a gin bottle and a young infant — I 
 felt constrained to tell that mother, when her infant playfully 
 mingled a rayther oily mack'ril with the little hair which is 
 left on my vener'ble hed, that I had a bottle of scented hair oil 
 at home, which on the whole I tho't I preferred to that which 
 hex orfspring was greasin me with. This riled the excellent 
 female, and she said, " Git out ! You never was a infank 
 yourself, I spose ! Oh no ! You was too good to be a infank, 
 you was ! You slid into the world all ready grow'd, didn't 
 you ? Git out ! " " No, Madam," I replied, " I too was once 
 a infant ! I was a luvly child. Peple used to come in large 
 and enthoosiastic crowds from all parts of the country to see 
 me, I was such a sweet and intel'gent infant. The excitement 
 was so intens, in fack, that a extra hotel was startid in the 
 town to accomodate the peple who thronged to my cradle." 
 Havin finished these troothful statemints, I smilt sweetly on 
 the worthy female. She said, " Drat you, what do you come 
 a-chaflin me for ? " and the estymible woman was really gettin 
 furis, when I mollyfied her by praisin her child, and by axin 
 pardin for all I'd said. " This little gal," I observed, " this 
 surprisingly luvly gal — " when the mother said, "It's t'other 
 sect is he, Sir: it's a boy." "Wall," I said, "then this little 
 boy, whose eye is like a eagle a-soaring proudly in the azure 
 sky, will some day be a man, if he don't choke hisself to death 
 in childhood's sunny hours with a smelt or a bloater, or some 
 other drefful calamity. How surblime the tho't, my dear 
 Madam, that this infant as you fondle on your knee on this 
 
Artemus Ward as Capting of the Home Guards — Str 
 page 233. 
 
TEE GREENLION AND OLIVER CROMWELL. 233 
 
 ni<rht may grow up into a free and independent citizen, whosQ 
 vote will be worth from ten to fifteen pounds, accordin as 
 suffrages may range at that joyus perid ! " 
 
 Let us now return, jentle reader, to the lan'lord of the 
 Greenlion, who we left in the bar in a state of anxiety and 
 perspire. Rubbin his hot face with a red hanksrcher, he sai J, 
 " Is the strange bein a American ? " 
 
 "He is." 
 
 "AGen'ral?" 
 
 "No." 
 
 "A Colonial?" 
 
 " No." 
 
 "AMajer?" 
 
 "Not aMajer." 
 
 "A Capting?" 
 
 " He is not." 
 
 "Aleftenant?" 
 
 " Not even that." 
 
 "Then," said the lan'lord of the Greenlion, "you ar de» 
 ceeved ! He is no countryman of yours." 
 
 "Why not?" I said. 
 
 " I will tell you, Sir/' said the lan'lord. " My son-in-law is 
 employed in a bankin house where ev'ry American as comes to 
 these shores goes to git his drafts casht, and he says that not 
 one has arrived on these shores durin the last 18 months as 
 wasn't a Gen'ral, a Colonial, a Majer, a Capting, or a lef tenant ! 
 This man, as I said afore, has deceeved you ! He's a im- 
 postuer ! " 
 
 I reeled into a chair. For a minit I was speechlis. At 
 length I rnurmerd, " Alars ! I fear it is too troo ! Even I was 
 a Capting of the Home Gards." 
 
 " To be sure," said the lan'lord ; you all do it over there." 
 
 "Wall," I said, "whatever nation this person belongs to, 
 " we may as well go and hear him lectur this evenin. He ia 
 on 3 of these spirit fellers — he is a Trans-Mejiin, and when he 
 slings himself into a trans-state he says the sperrits of de- 
 
234 TEE GBEENLION AND OLIVER CROMWELL. 
 
 parted great men talk through him. He says that to-night 
 sev'ril em'nent persons will speak through him — among others, 
 Cromwell." 
 
 lC And this Mr. Cromwell — is he dead ? " said the lan'lord. 
 
 I told him that Oliver was no more. 
 
 "It's a umbug," said the lan'lord; to which I replied that 
 we'd best go and see, and we went. We was late, on accouut 
 of the lan'lord's extensiv acquaintans with the public house 
 keepers along the road, and the hall was some two miles dis- 
 tant, but we got there at last. The hall was about half full, 
 and the Mejim was just then assumin' to be Benjamin Frank- 
 lin, who was speakin about the Atlantic Cable. 
 
 He said the Cable was really a merrytorious affair, and that 
 messiges could be sent to America, and there was no doubt 
 about their gettin there in the course of a week or two, which 
 he said was a beautiful idear, and much quicker than by 
 steamer or canal-boat. It struck me that if this was Franklin 
 a spiritooal life hadn't improved the old gentleman's intellecks 
 particly. 
 
 The audiens was mostly composed of rayther pale peple, 
 whose eyes I tho't rolled round in a somewhat wild manner. 
 But they was well-behaved, and the females kept saying, 
 " How beautiful ! What a surblime thing it is," et cetry, et 
 cetry. Among the females was one who was a fair and rosy 
 young woman. She sot on the same seat we did, and the lan'- 
 lord of the Greenlion, whose frekent intervoos with other lan'- 
 lords that evenin had been too much for him, fastened his left 
 eye on the fair and rosy young person, and smilin lovinly upon 
 her, s.aid, " You may give me, my dear, four-penny-worth oi 
 gin — - cold gin. I take it cold, because " 
 
 There was cries of il Silence ! Shame ! Put him out ! the 
 Skoffer ! " 
 
 <( Ain't we at the Spotted Boar ? " the lan'lord hoarsely 
 whispered. 
 
 fi No," I answered. " It's another kind of bore. Lis'en, 
 Cromwell is goin' to speak through our inspired fren', now." 
 
TEE QREENLION AND OLIVER CROMWELL. 235 
 
 "Is he? "said the lan'lord — " is he? Wall, I've sufchin 
 to say, also. Was this Cromwell a licensed vittler ? " 
 
 " Not that I ever heard," I anserd. 
 
 " I'm sorry for that," said the lan'lord with a sigh ; " but 
 you think he was a man who would wish to see licensed v it- 
 tiers respected in their rights ? " 
 
 « No doubt." 
 
 "Wall," said the lan'lord, "jest you keep a eye on me." 
 Then risin to his feet he said, in a somewhat husky yet tol'lly 
 distink voice, " Mr. Crumbwell ! " 
 
 " Cromwell ! " I cried. 
 
 " Yes, Mr. Cromwell : that's the man I mean, Mr. Cromble ! 
 won't you please advise that gen'l'man who you're talkin 
 through ; won't you advise 'im during your elekant speech to 
 settle his bill at my 'ouse to-night, Mr. Crumbles," said the 
 lan'lord, glarin' savigely round on the peple, " because if he 
 don't, there'll be a punched 'ed to be seen at the G-reenlion, 
 where I don't want no more of this everlasting nonsens. IHl 
 talk through 'im ! Here's a sperrit," said the lan'lord, a smile 
 once more beamin on his face, " which will talk through him 
 like a Dutch father ! I'm the sperrit for you, young feller ! " 
 I You're a helthy old sperret," I remarkt ; and then I saw the 
 necessity of gettin him out of the hall. The wimin was yel- 
 Iin and screamin, and the men was hollerin' perlice. A per- 
 liceman really came and collerd my fat fren. " It's only a fit, 
 Sir Richard," I said. I always call the perlice Sir Richard. 
 It pleases them to think I'm the victim of a deloosion ; and 
 they always treat me perlitely. This one did, certainly, for he 
 let us go. We saw no more of the Trans-Mejim. 
 
 It's difiikilt, of course, to say how long these noosances 7 rill 
 be allowed to prowl round. I should say, however, if pressed 
 for a answer, that they will prob'ly continner on jest about as 
 long as they can find peple to lis'en to 'em. Am I right ? 
 
 Yours, faithfull, 
 
 Artemus Wari>. 
 
236 AT TEE TOMB OF SHAKSPEARE. 
 
 IV. 
 
 AT THE TOMB OF SHAKSPEARE. 
 
 Mr. Punch, My dear Sir, — I've been lingerin by the 
 Tomb of the lamentid Shakspeare. 
 
 It is a success. 
 
 I do not hes'tate to pronounce it as such. 
 
 You may make any use of this opinion that you see fit. If 
 you think its publication will subswerve the cause of littera* 
 oor, you may publicate it. 
 
 I told my wife Betsy when I left home that I should go to 
 the birthplace of the orthur of Otlieller and other Plays. She 
 said that as long as I kept out of Newgate she didn't care 
 where I went. " But," I said, " don't you know he was the 
 greatest Poit that ever lived? Not one of these common 
 poits, like that young idyit who writes verses to our daughter, 
 about the Poses as growses, and the Breezes as blowses — but 
 a Boss Poit — also a philosopher, also a man who knew a great 
 deal about everything." 
 
 She was packing my things at the time, and the only answer 
 she made was to ask me if I was goin to carry both of my red 
 flannel night caps. 
 
 Yes. I've been to Stratford onto the Avon, the Birthplace 
 of Shakspeare. Mr. S. is now no more. He's been dead over 
 three hundred (300) years. The peple of his native town are 
 justly proud of him. They cherish his mem'ry, and them as 
 sell picturs of his birthplace, &c, make it proftible cherishia it. 
 Almost everybody buys a pictur to put into their Albiom. 
 
 As I stood gazing on the spot where Shakspeare is s'posed to 
 have fell down on the ice and hurt hisself when a boy, (thia 
 spot cannot be bought — the town authorities say it shall 
 never be taken from Stratford) I wondered if three hundred 
 years he ace jiicturs of my birthplace will be in demand? Will 
 
AT THE TOMB OF SHAK8PEABE. 237 
 
 the peple of my native town be proud of me in three hundred 
 years? I guess they won't short of that time because they 
 say the fat man weighing 1000 pounds which I exhibited there 
 was stuffed out with pillers and cushions, which he said one 
 very hot day in July, " Oh bother, I can't stand this," and 
 commensed pullin the pillers out from under his weskit, and 
 Ibeavin 'em at the audience. I never saw a man lose flesh so 
 fast in my life. The audience said I was a pretty man to com6 
 chiselin my own townsmen in that way. I said, "Do not be 
 angry, feller-citizens. I exhibited him simply as a work of 
 art. I simply wished to show you that a man could grow 
 fat without the aid of cod-liver oil." But they wouldn't 
 listen to me. They are a low and grovelin set of peple, who 
 excite a feelin of loathin in every brest where lorfty emo- 
 tions and original idees have a bidin place. 
 
 I stopped at Leamington a few minits on my way to Strat- 
 ord onto the Avon, and a very beautiful town it is. I went 
 into a shoe shop to make a purchis, and as I entered I saw 
 over the door those dear familiar words, " By Appintment : 
 H. R. H. ; " and I said to the man, " Squire, excuse me, but 
 this is too much. I have seen in London four hundred boot 
 and shoe shops by Appintment : H. R. H. ; and now you're 
 at it. It is simply onpossible that the Prince can wear 400 
 pairs of boots. Don't tell me," I said, in a voice choked with 
 emotion — " Oh, do not tell me that you also make boots for 
 Jlim. Say slippers — say that you mend a boot now and then 
 for him ; but do not tell me that you make 'em reg'lar for 
 him." 
 
 The man smilt, and said I didn't understand these things. 
 He said I perhaps had not noticed in Loi.don that dealers in 
 all sorts of articles was By Appintment. I said, {i Oh, hadrCi 
 I ? " Then a sudden thought flasht over me. u I have it ! " I 
 said. " When the Prince walks through a street, he no doubt 
 looks at the shop windows." 
 
 The man said, li No doubt." 
 
 " And the enterprisin tradesman," I continnerd, " the mo 
 
238 AT THE TOMB OF SHAKSPEABE. 
 
 ment the Prince gets out of sight, rushes frantically and ha* 
 a tin sign painted, By Appintment, H. R. H. ! It is a beauti 
 ful, a great idee 1 " 
 
 I then bought a pair of shoe strings, and wringin the shop- 
 man's honest hand, I started for the tomb of Shakspeare in a 
 hired fly It look't however more like a spider. 
 
 " And this," I said, as I stood in the old church-yard at 
 Stratford, beside a Tombstone, "this marks the spot where 
 lies William W. Shakspeare. Alars ! and this is the spot 
 w&ere — " 
 
 You've got the wrong grave," said a man — a worthy vil- 
 lager : " Shakspeare is buried inside the church." 
 
 " Oh," I said, " a boy told me this was it." The boy larfed 
 and put the shillin I'd given him onto his left eye in a inglori- 
 ous manner, and commenced moving backwards towards tha 
 street. 
 
 1 pursood and captered him, and after talking to him a spell 
 in a skarcastic stile, I let him went. 
 
 The old church was damp and chill. It was rainin. The 
 only persons there when I entered was a fine bluff old gentle- 
 man who was talking in a excited manner to a fashnibly dressed 
 young man. "No, Ernest Montresser," the old gentleman 
 said, "it is idle to pursoo this subjeck no further. You can 
 never marry my daughter. You were seen last Monday in 
 Piccadilly without a umbreller ! I said then, as I say now, 
 any young man as venturs out in a uncertain climit like thia 
 without a umbreller, lacks foresight, caution, strength of mind 
 and stability; and he is not a proper person to intrust a 
 daughter's happiness to." 
 
 I slapt the old gentleman on the shoulder, and I said, 
 " You're right ! You're one of those kind of men, you are — % 
 
 He wheeled suddenly round, and in a indignant voice, said, 
 u Go way — go way ! This a privit intervoo." 
 
 I didn't stop to enrich the old gentleman's mind with my con- 
 versation. I sort of inferred that he wasn't inclined to listen to 
 me, and so I went on. But he was right about the umbreller. 
 
AT THE TOMB OF SHAKSPEARE. 230 
 
 I'm really delighted with this grand old country, M? Punchy 
 but you must admit that it does rain rayther numero~ sly here. 
 Whether this is owing to a monerkal form of gov'ment or not, 
 I leave all candid and onprejudiced persons to say. 
 
 William Shakspeare was born in Stratford in 1564. All the 
 ( ^mmentaters, Shaksperian scholars, etsetry, are agreel on this, 
 which is about the only thing they are agreed on in regard to him, 
 except that his mantle hasn't fallen onto any poet or dramatist 
 hard enough to hurt said poet or dramatist much. And there 
 is no doubt if these commentaters and persons continner inves- 
 tigatin Shakspeare's career, we shall not, in doo time, know any- 
 thing about it at all. When a mere lad little William attended 
 the Grammar School, because, as he said, the Grammar School 
 wouldn't attend him. This remarkable remark, comin from 
 one so young and inexperunced, set peple to thinkin there 
 might be somethin in this lad. He subsequently wrote Sam 
 let and George JBarnwell. When his kind teacher went to 
 London to accept a position in the offices of the Metropolitan 
 Railway, little William was chosen by his fellow pupils to de- 
 liver a farewell address. " Go on, Sir," he said, "in a glorus 
 career. Be like a eagle, and soar, and the soarer you get the 
 more we shall all be gratified ! That's so." 
 
 My young readers, who wish to know about Shakspeare, bet- 
 ter get these vallyable remarks framed. 
 
 I returned to the hotel. Meetin a young married couple, 
 they asked me if I could direct them to the hotel which Wash- 
 ington Irving used to keep ? 
 
 * I've understood that he was onsuccessful as a lan'lord," said 
 the lady. 
 
 « We've understood," said the young mail, " that he busted 
 up." 
 
 I told 'em I was a stranger, and hurried away. They were 
 from my country, and ondoubtedly represented a thrifty He 
 well somewhere in Pennsylvany. It's a common thing, by the 
 way, for a old farmer in Pennsyhany to wake up some momin 
 and find ile squirtin all around his back yard. He sells out fot 
 
240 IS INTRODUCED AT THE CLUB. 
 
 'normous price, and his children put on gorgeous harness and 
 start on a tower to astonish ]3eple. They succeed in doin it. 
 Meantime the He squirts and squirts, and Time rolls on. Ijei 
 it roll. 
 
 A very nice old town is Stratford, and a capital inn is the 
 Eed H Drse. Every admirer of the great S. must go there once 
 «*srtinly ; and to say one isn't a admirer of him, is equv'lent 
 to sayin one has jest about brains enough to become a efficient 
 tinker. 
 
 Some kind person has sent me Chawcer's poems. Mr. C. 
 had talent, but he couldn't spel. No man has a right to be ft 
 lit'rary man onless he knows how to spel. It is a pity that 
 Chawcer, who had geneyus, was so unedicated. He's the wuss 
 speller I know of. 
 
 I guess I'm through, and so I lay down the pen, which is more 
 mightier than the sword, but which I'm fraid would stand a 
 rayther slim chance beside the needle gun. 
 
 Adoo ! adoo ! 
 
 Artemus Ward. 
 
 IS INTRODUCED AT THE CLUB. 
 
 Mr. Punch, My dear Sir, — It is seldim that the Com- 
 mercial relations between Great Britain and the United States 
 is mar'd by Games. 
 
 It is Commerce, after all, which will keep the two countri* 
 friendly to'ards each other rather than statesmen. 
 
 I look at your last Parliament, and I can't see that a single' 
 jipeech was encored during the entire session. 
 
 Look at Congress — but no, I'd rather not look at Congress. 
 
 Entertainin this great regard for Commerce " whose sales 
 whiten every sea," as everybody happily observes every chance 
 he gets, I learn with disgust and surprise that a British suhjeck 
 
IS INTBODUCED AT THE CLUB. 241 
 
 bo't a Barril of Apple Sass in America recently, and when he 
 arrove home he found nnder a few deloosiv layers of sass 
 nothin but sawdust. I should have instantly gone into the 
 City and called a meetin of the leadin commercial men to con- 
 dom and repudiate, as a American, this gross frawd, if I hadn't 
 leirned at the same time that the draft given by the British 
 subjeck in payment for this frawdylent sass was drawd onto a 
 Bankin House in London which doesn't have a existence, but 
 far otherwise, and never did. 
 
 There is those who larf at these things, but to me they merit 
 rebooks and frowns. 
 
 With the exception of my Uncle Wilyim — who, as I've be- 
 fore stated, is a uncle by marrige only, who is a low cuss and 
 filled his coat pockets with pies and biled eggs at his weddin 
 breakfast, given to hi? a by my father, and made the clergyman as 
 united him a present -)f my father's new overcoat, and when my 
 father on discovert i it got in a rage and denounced him, 
 Uncle Wilyim sai] the old man (meanin my parent) hadn't 
 any idee of first ;Iass Humer ! — with the exception of this 
 wretched Uncle A<i escutchin of my fam'ly has never been 
 stained by Gamo l The little harmless deceptions I resort to 
 in my perfeshijA I do not call Games. They are sacrifisses 
 to Art. 
 
 I come of a v&ry clever fam'ly. 
 
 The Wards m a very clever fam'ly, indeed. 
 
 I believe we are descendid from the Puritins, who nobly fled 
 from a land of despitism to a land of freedim, where they could 
 not only enjoy their own religion, but prevent everybody else 
 fiom enjoyin his. 
 
 As I said before, we are a very cleuer fam'ly. 
 
 I was strolling up Regent Street the other day, thinkin what 
 a clever fam'ly I come of, and looking at the gay shop-winders. 
 I've got some new close since you last saw me. I saw them 
 others wouldn't do. They carrid the observer too far back into 
 the dim vaster of the past, and I gave 'em to a Orfun Asylum. 
 The close I wear now I bo't of Mr. Moses, in the Commercial 
 11 
 
242 IS INTRODUCED AT THE CLUR 
 
 Road. They was expressly made, Mr. Moses inforemd me, 
 for a nobleman, but as they fitted him too muchly, partic'ly 
 the trows'rs (which is blue, with large red and white checks) 
 h« had said, u My dear feller, make me some more, only mind 
 ~ -■ be sure you sell these to some genteel old feller." 
 3 I like to saunter thro' Regent Street. The shops are pretty, 
 and it does the old man's hart good to see the troops of fine 
 healthy girls which one may always see there at certain hours 
 in the afternoon, who don't spile their beauty by devourin 
 cakes and sugar things, as too many of the American and 
 French lasses do. It's a mistake about everybody being out 
 of town, I guess. Regent Street is full. I'm here ; and as I 
 said before, I come of a very clever fam'ly. 
 
 As I was walkin along, amoosin myself by stickin my penkife 
 into the calves of the footmen who stood waitin by the swell- 
 coaches (not one of whom howled with angwish), I was accosted 
 by a man of about thirty-five summers, who said, " I have seen 
 that face somewheres afore ! " 
 
 He was a little shabby in his wearin apparil. His coat was 
 one of those black, shiny garments, which you can always tell 
 have been burnished by adversity; but he was very gentle- 
 manly. 
 
 " Was it in the Crimea, comrade ? Yes, it was. It was at 
 the stormin of Sebastopol, where I had a narrow escape from 
 death, that we met. 
 
 I said, ft No, I wasn't at Sebastopol ; I escaped a fatal wound 
 by not bein there. It was a healthy old fortress," I added. 
 
 " It was. But it fell. It came down with a crash." 
 
 " And plucky boys they was who brought her down," J 
 added ; " and hurrah for 'em! " 
 
 The man graspt me warmly by the hand, and said he had 
 been in America, Upper Canada, Africa, Asia Minor, and 
 other towns, and he'd never met a man he liked as much as 
 he did me. "Let us," he added, "let us to the shrine of 
 Bachus ! " And he dragged me into a public house. I was 
 
IS INTRODUCED AT THE CLUB. 243 
 
 determined to pa 7, so I said, "Mr. Backus, giv this gen'l'man 
 what he calls for." 
 
 We conversed there in a very pleasant manner till my din- 
 ner-time arrove, when the agree' ble gentleman insisted that I 
 should dine with him. " We'll have a banquet, Sir, fit for the 
 gods ! " 
 
 I tolii him good plain vittles would soot me. If the goda 
 wanted to have the dispepsy, they was welcome to it. 
 
 We had soop and fish, and a hot jint, and growsis, and wines 
 of rare and costly vintige. We had ices, and we had froots 
 from Greenland's icy mountins and Injy's coral strands ; and 
 when the sumptoous reparst was over, the agree'ble man said 
 he'd unfortnitly left his pocket-book at home on the marble 
 centre-table. " But, by Jove ! " he said, " it was a feast fit for 
 the gods!" 
 
 I said, " Oh, never mind," and drew out my puss ; tho' I 
 in'ardly wished the gods, as the dinner was fit for 'em, was 
 there to pay for it. 
 
 I come of a very clever fam'ly. 
 
 The agree'ble gentleman then said, " Now, I will show you 
 our Club. It dates back to the time of William the Con- 
 queror." 
 
 " Did Bill belong to it ? " I inquired. 
 
 " He did." 
 
 " Wall," I said, " if Billy was one of 'em, I need no other 
 endorsement as to its respectfulness, and I'll go with you, my 
 gay trooper boy ! " And we went off arm-in-arm. 
 
 On the way the agree'ble man told me that the Club was 
 called the Sloshers. He said I would notice that none of 'em 
 ? appeared in evenin dress. He said it was agin the rools of 
 the club. In fack, if any member appeared there in evenin 
 dress he'd be instantly expeld. i( And yit," he added, " there's 
 geneyus there, and lorfty emotions, and intelleck. You'll be 
 surprised at the quantities of intelleck you'll see there." 
 
 We reached the Sloshers in due time, and I must say they 
 
244 18 INTRODUCED AT THE CLUB. 
 
 was a shaky-looking lot, and the public house where they con 
 vened was certingly none of the best. 
 
 The Sloshers crowded round me, and said I was welcome. 
 "What a beautiful brest-pin you've got," said one ot 'em. 
 1 f Permit me," and he took it out of my neckercher. "Isn't 
 it luvly," he said, parsin it to another, who passed it to an- 
 other-. It was given me by my Aunt, on my promisin her I'd 
 never swear profanely; and I never have, except on very 
 Bpecial occasions I see that beautiful boosum pin a parsin 
 from one Slosher to another, and I'm reminded of them sad 
 words of the poit, " parsin away ! parsin away ! " I never 
 saw it no more. Then in comes a athletic female, who no 
 sooner sees me than she utters a wild yell, and cries : 
 
 iC At larst ! at larst ! My Wilyim, from the seas ! " 
 
 I said, " Not at all, Marm. Not on no account. I have 
 heard the boatswain pipe to quarters — but a voice in my heart 
 didn't whisper Seu-zan ! I've belayed the marlin-spikes on 
 the upper jibpoop, but Seu-zan's eye wasn't on me, much. 
 Young woman, I am not you're Saler boy. Ear different." 
 
 " Oh yes, you are ! " she howled, seizin me round the neck. 
 " Oh, how I've lookt forwards to this meetin ! " 
 
 " And you'll presently," I said, " have a opportunity of 
 lookin backwards to it, because I'm on the point of leavin this 
 institution." 
 
 I will here observe that I come of a very clever family. A 
 very clever fam'ly, indeed. 
 
 " Where," I cried, as I struggled in vain to release myself 
 from the eccentric female's claws, "where is the Capting — the 
 man who was into the Crimea, amidst the cannon's thunder ? 
 I want him." 
 
 He came forward, and cried, " What do I see ? Me Sister ! 
 me sweet Adulaide ! and in teers ! Willin ! " he screamed, 
 " and you're the serpent I took to my boosum, and borrowed 
 money of, and went round with, and was cheerful with, are 
 you ? — You ought to be ashamed of yourself." 
 
 Somehow my coat was jerked off, the brest-pocket of which 
 
cc Young woman, I'm not your Saler boy. Far dirferent. ,, — 
 See page 244. 
 
TEE TOWER OF LONDON. 24£ 
 
 contained my pocket-book, and it parsed away like the brest- 
 pin. Then they sorter quietly hustled me into the street. 
 
 It was about 12 at night when I reached the Greenlion. 
 
 et Ha ! ha ! you sly old rascal, you've been up to larks ! " 
 said the lan'lord, larfin loudly, and digging his fist into my 
 ribs. 
 
 I said, " Bigsby, if you do that agin, I shall hit you ! Much 
 as I respect you and your excellent fam'ly, I shall disfigger 
 your beneverlent countenance for life ! " 
 
 "What has ruffled your spirits, friend ? " said the lan'lord. 
 
 " My spirits has been ruffled," I ansered in a bittur voice, 
 " by a viper who was into the Crimea. What good was it," I 
 cried, " for Sebastopol to fall down without enwelopin in ita 
 ruins that viper?" 
 
 I then went to bed. I come of a very clever fam'ly. 
 
 Artemus Waed. 
 
 VI. 
 
 THE TOWER OP LONDON. 
 
 Mr. Punch, My dear Sir, — I skurcely need inform you 
 that your excellent Tower is very pop'lar with peple from the 
 agricultooral districks, and it was chiefly them class which I 
 found waitin at the gates the other mornin. 
 
 I saw at once that the Tower was established on a firm basis. 
 In the entire history of firm basisis I don't find a basis more 
 firmer than this one. 
 
 "You have no Tower in America?" said a man in the 
 crowd, who had somehow detected my denomination. 
 
 "Alars! no," I ansered; "we boste of our enterprise and 
 improovements, and yit we are devoid of a Tower. America, 
 oh my onhappy country ! thou hast not got no Tower ! It's a 
 sweet Boon." 
 
246 THE TOWER OF LONDON. 
 
 The gates was opened after awhile, and we all purchist tickets, 
 and went into a waitin-room. 
 
 " My frens," said a pale-faced little man, in black close, 
 " this is a sad day." 
 
 " Inasmuch as to how?" I said. 
 
 " I mean it is sad to think that so many peple have been 
 killed within these gloomy walls. My frens, let us drop a 
 tear!" 
 
 " No," I said, " you must excuse me. Others may drop one 
 if they feel like it ; but as for me, I decline. The early man- 
 agers of this institootion were a bad lot, and their crimes were 
 trooly orful ; but I can't sob for those who died four or five 
 hundred years ago. If they was my own relations I couldn't. ■ 
 It's absurd to shed sobs over things which occurd durin the 
 rain of Henry the Three. Let us be cheerful," I continnerd 
 "Look at the festiv Warders, in their red flannil jackets. 
 They are cheerful, and why should it not be thusly with us ? " 
 
 A Warder now took us in charge, and showed us the Trater's 
 Gate;, the armers, and things. The Trater's Gate is wide enufi 
 to admit about twenty trater's abrest, I should jedge; but 
 beyond this, I couldn't see that it was superior to gates in 
 gen'ral. 
 
 Traters, I will here remark, are a onfortnit class of peple. 
 If they wasn't, they wouldn't be traters. They conspire to 
 bust up a country — they fail, and they're traters. They bust 
 her, and they become statesmen and heroes. 
 
 Take the case of Gloster, afterwards Old Dick the Three, 
 who may be seen at the Tower, on horseback, in a heavy tio 
 overcoat — take Mr. Gloster's case. Mr. G. was a conspirater 
 of the basist dye, and if he'd failed, he would have been hung 
 on a sour apple tree. But Mr. G. succeeded, and became 
 great. He was slewd by Coi. Richmond, but he lives in histry, 
 and his equestrian figger may be seen daily for a sixpence, iu 
 conjunction with other em'nent persons, and no extra charge 
 for the Warder's able and bootiful lectur. 
 
 There's one king in this room who is mounted onto a foamis 
 
THE TOWER OF LONDON. 247 
 
 Bteed, his right hand graspin a barber's pole, I didn't learn 
 his name. 
 
 The room where the daggers and pistils and other weppins 
 is kept is interestin. Among this collection of choice cutlery 
 I notist the bow and arrer which those hot-heded old chaps 
 used to conduct battles with. It is quite like the bow and 1 
 arrer used at this day by certin tribes of American Injuns, 
 and they shoot 'em off with such a excellent precision that I 
 almost sigh'd to be a Injun, when I was in the Rocky Mountin 
 regin. They are a pleasant lot them Injuns. Mr. Cooper and 
 Dr. Catlin have told us of the red man's wonerful eloquence, 
 and I found it so. Our party was stopt on the plains of Utah 
 by a band of Shoshones, whose chief said, (i Brothers ! the 
 pale-face is welcome. Brothers ! the sun is sinkin in the West, 
 and Wa-na-bucky-she will soon cease speakin. Brothers ! the 
 poor red man belongs to a race which is fast becomin extink." 
 He then whooped in a shrill manner, stole all our blankets and 
 whiskey, and fled to the primeval forest to conceal his emo- 
 tions. 
 
 I will remark here, while on the subjeck of Injuns, that 
 they are in the main a very shaky set, with even less sense 
 than the Fenians, and when I hear philanthropists bewailin 
 the fack that every year " carries the noble red man nearer the 
 settin sun," I simply have to say I'm glad of it, tho' it is 
 rough on the settin sun. They call you by the sweet name of 
 Brother one minit, and the next they scalp you with their 
 Thomashawks. But I wander. Let us return to the Tower. 
 
 At one end of the room where the weppins is kept, is a wax 
 figger of Queen Elizabeth, mounted on a fiery stuffed hoss, 
 whose glass eye flashes with pride, and whose red morocker 
 nostril dilates hawtily, as if conscious of the royal burden he 
 bears. I have associated Elizabeth with the Spanish Armady. 
 She's mixed up with it at the Surry Theatre, where Troo tc 
 the Gore is bein acted, and in which a full bally core is intro- 
 jooced on board the Spanish Admiral's ship, givin the audien3 
 the idee that he intends openin a moosic-hall in Plymouth the 
 
248 TEE TOWER OF LONDON. 
 
 moment he conkers that town. But a very interesting drain- 
 mer is Troo to the Core, notwitstandin the eccentric conduct 
 of the Spanish Admiral ; and very nice it is in Queen Elizabeth 
 to make Martin Truegold a baronet. 
 
 The Warder shows us some instrooments of tortur, such a3 
 thumbscrews, throat-collars, etc., statin that these was conkerd 
 from the Spanish Armady, and addin what a crooil peple tLe 
 Spaniards was in them days — which elissited from a bright ■ 
 eyed little girl of about twelve summers the remark that she 
 tho't it was rich to talk about the crooilty of the Spaniards 
 usin thumb-screws, when we was in a Tower where so many 
 poor peple's heads had been cut off. This made the Warder 
 stammer and turn red. 
 
 I was so pleased with the little girl's brightness that I could 
 have kissed the dear child, and I would if she'd been six years 
 older. 
 
 I think my companions intended makin a day of it, for they 
 all had sandwiches, sassiges, etc. The sad-lookin man, who 
 had wanted us to drop a tear afore we started to go round, 
 fling'd such quantities of sassige into his mouth, thai I ex- 
 pected to see him choke hisself to death. He said to me, in the 
 Beauchamp Tower, where the poor prisoners writ their on- 
 happy names on the cold walls, " This is a sad sight.' 9 
 
 iC It is, indeed," I anserd. " You're black in the face. You 
 shouldn't eat sassige in public without some rehearsals before- 
 hand. You manage it orkwardly." 
 
 II No," he said, " I mean this sad room." 
 
 Indeed, he was quite right. Tho' so long ago all these dreffu] 
 things happened, I was very glad to git away from this gloomy 
 room, and go where the rich and sparklin Crown Jewils is kept. 
 I was so pleased with the Queen's Crown, that it occurd to me 
 •what a agree'ble surprise it would be to send a sim'lar one 
 home to my wife ; and I asked the Warder what was the vally 
 of a good, well-constructed Crown like that. He told me, but 
 on cypherin up with a pencil the amount of fans 1 have in th« 
 
SCIENCE AMD NATURAL HISTORY, 249 
 
 Jint Stock Bank, I conclooded I'd send her a genteel silver 
 watch instid. 
 
 And so I left the Tower. It is a solid and commandin 
 edifis, but I deny that it is cheerful. I bid it adoo without a 
 pang. 
 
 I was droven to my hotel by the most melancholly driver of 
 a four-wheeler that I ever saw. He heaved a deep sigh as I 
 gave him two shillings. ** I'll give you six d.'s more," I said, 
 " if it hurts you so." 
 
 " It isn't that," he said, with a hart-rendin groan, ct it's only 
 a way I have. My mind's upset to-day. I at one time tho't 
 I'd drive you into the Thames. I've been readin all the daily 
 papers to try and understand about Governor Ayre, and my 
 mind is totterin. It's really wonderful I didn't drive you into 
 the Thames." 
 
 I asked the onhappy man what his number was, so I could 
 redily find him in case I should want him agin, and bad him 
 good-bye. And then I tho't what a froliicksome day I'd made 
 of it. 
 
 Respectably, &c. 
 
 Aktemus Ward, 
 
 VII. 
 
 SCIENCE AND NATURAL HISTORY. 
 
 Mr. Punch, My dear Sir, — I was a little disapinted in not 
 receivin a invitation to jine in the meetins of the Social Science 
 Congress. 
 
 I don't exackly see how they go on without me. 
 
 I hope it wasn't the intentions of the Sciencers to exclood 
 me from their delibrations. 
 
 Let it pars. I do not repine. Let us remember Homer, 
 Twenty cities claim Homer dead, thro' which the livin Mr 
 Homer couldn't have got trusted for a sandwich and a glass of 
 bitter beer, or words to that effeck. 
 11* 
 
250 SCIENCE AND NATURAL HISTORY. 
 
 But perhaps it was a oversight. Certinly I have been hossr 
 pitably rec'd in this country. Hospitality has been pored al 
 over me. At Liverpool I was asked to walk all over the docks, 
 which are nine miles long ; and I don't remember a instance 
 since my 'rival in London of my gettin into a cab without a 
 Briton comin and perlitely shuttin the door for me, and then 
 extendin his open hand to'ards me, in the most frenly manner 
 possible. Does he not, by this simple yit tuchin gesture, 
 welcum me to England ? Doesn't he ? Oh yes — I guess he 
 doesn't he. And it's quite right among two great countries 
 which speak the same langwidge, except as regards H's. And 
 T've been allowed to walk round all the streets. Even at 
 Buckinham Pallis, I told a guard I wanted to walk round there, 
 and he said I could walk round there. I ascertained subse- 
 quent that he referd to the sidewalk instid of the Pallis — but 
 I couldn't doubt his hosspital feelins. 
 
 I prepared a Essy on Animals to read before the Social 
 Science meetins. It is a subjeck I may troothfully say I have 
 successfully wrastled with. I tackled it when only nineteen 
 years old. At that tender age I writ a Essy for a lit'ry Insti- 
 toot entitled, " Is Cats to be Trusted ? " Of the merits of that 
 Essy it doesn't becum me to speak, but I may be excoos'd for 
 mentionin that the Institoot parsed a resolution that " whether 
 we look upon the length of this Essy, or the manner in which 
 it is written, we feel that we will not express any opinion of 
 it, and we hope it will be read in other towns." 
 
 Of course the Essy I writ for the Social Science Society is a 
 more finisheder production than the one on Cats, which was 
 wroten when my mind was crood, and afore I had masterd a 
 graceful and ellygant stile of composition. I could not eTen 
 punctooate my sentences proper at that time, and I observe ^ith 
 panej on lookin over this effort of my yooth, that its beauty is 
 in one or two instances mar'd by ingrammaticisms. This was 
 unexcusable, and I'm surprised I did it. A writer who can't 
 write in a grammerly manner better shut up shop. 
 You shall hear this Essy on Animals. Some day when you 
 
SCIENCE AND NATURAL HISTORY. 251 
 
 have four hours to spare, I'll read it to you. I think you'L 
 enjoy it. Or, what will be much better, if I may suggest — > 
 omit all picturs in next week's Punch, and do not let your 
 contributors write eny thing whatever (let them have a holiday; 
 fchey can go to the British Mooseum ;) and publish my Essy 
 intire. li will fill all your collumes full, and create comment. 
 Does this proposition strike you ? Is it a go ? 
 
 In case I had read the Essy to the Social Sciencers, I had 
 intended it should be the closin attraction. I had intended 
 it should finish the proceedins. I think it would have finished 
 them. I understand animals better than any other class of 
 human creatures. I have a very animal mind, and I've been 
 identified with 'em doorin my entire perfessional career as a 
 showman, more especial bears, wolves, leopards and ser- 
 punts. 
 
 The leopard is as lively a animal as I ever came into con- 
 tack with. It is troo he cannot change his spots, but you can 
 change 'em for him with a paint-brush, as I once did in the case 
 of a leopard who wasn't nat'rally spotted in a attractive manner. 
 In exhibitin him I used to stir him up in his cage with a pro- 
 tracted pole, and for the purpuss of makin him yell and kick 
 up in a leopardy manner, I used to casionally whack him over 
 the head. This would make the children inside the booth 
 scream with fright, which would make fathers of families out- 
 side the booth very anxious to come in — because there is a 
 large class of parents who have a uncontrollable passion for 
 takin their children to places where they will stand a chance 
 of being frightened to death. 
 
 One day I whacked this leopard more than ushil, which _ 
 elissited a remonstrance from a tall gentleman in spectacles, 
 who said, (i My good man, do not beat the poor caged animal. 
 Itather fondle him." 
 
 " I'll fondle him with a club," I anserd, hitting him another 
 whack. 
 
 " I prithy desist," said the gentleman ; <{ stand aside, and see 
 the effeck of kindness. I understand the idiosyncracies of these 
 
252 SCIENCE AND NATURAL HISTORY. 
 
 creeturs better than you do." With that he wen - '* up to the 
 cage, and thrustin his face in between the iron bars, he said, 
 
 O J 7 7 
 
 soothinly, " Come hither, pretty creetur." The pretty creetur 
 come-hithered rayther speedy, and seized the gentleman by the 
 whiskers, which he tore off about enuff to stuff a small cushion 
 with. 
 
 He said, (i You vagabone, I'll have you indicted for exhibitin 
 dangerous and immoral animals." 
 
 I replied, " Gentle Sir, there isn't a animal here that hasn't 
 a beautiful moral, but you mustn't fondle 'em. You mustn't 
 meddle with their idiotsyncracies." 
 
 The gentleman was a dramatic cricket, and he wrote a article 
 for a paper, in which he said my entertainment was a decided 
 failure. 
 
 As regards Bears, you can teach 'em to do interestin things, 
 but they're onreliable. I had a very large grizzly bear once, 
 who would dance, and larf, and lay down, and bow his head in 
 grief, and give a mournful wale, etsetry. But he often annoyed 
 me. It will be remembered that on the occasion of the first 
 battle of Bull Bun, it suddenly occurd to the Fed'ral soldiers 
 hat they had business in Washington which ought not to be 
 neglected, and they all started for that beautiful and romantic 
 city, maintainin a rate of speed durin the entire distance that 
 would have done credit to the celebrated French steed Gladia- 
 teur. Very nat'rally our Gov'ment was deeply grieved at this 
 defeat ; and I said to my Bear, shortly after, as I was givin a 
 exhibition in Ohio — I said, " Brewin, are you not sorry the 
 National arms has sustained a defeat ? " His business was to 
 wale dismal, and bow his dead down, the band (a barrel orgin 
 and a wiolin) playing slow and melancholly moosic. What did 
 the grizzly old cuss do, however, but commence darncin and 
 larfin in the most joyous manner. I had a narrer escape from 
 being imprisoned for disloyalty. I will relate another incident 
 in the career of this retchid Bear. I used to present what I 
 called in the bills a Beautiful living Pictur — showing the 
 Bear's fondness for his Master : in which I'd lay down on e 
 
Natural History — Sudden ana unexpected Playfulness of th« 
 Bear — See pige 2 5 2 - 
 

SCIENCE AND NATURAL HISTORY. 253 
 
 piece of carpeting, and the Bear would come and lay down 
 beside me, restin his right paw on my breast, the Band playing 
 " Some, Sweet Home" very soft and slow. Altho' I say it, it 
 was a tuchin thing to see. I've seen Tax-Collectors weep over 
 that performance. 
 
 Well, one day I said, " Ladies and Gentlemen, we will show 
 you the Bear's fondness for his master," and I went and laid 
 down. I tho't I observed a pecooliar expression into his eyes, 
 as he rolled clumsily to'ards me, but I didn't dream of the 
 scene which follerd. He laid down, and put his paw on my 
 breast. "Affection of the bear for his Master," I repeated. 
 (( You see the Monarch of the Western Wilds in a subjugated 
 state. Fierce as these animals naturally are, we now see that 
 they have hearts, and can love. This Bear, the largest in the 
 world, and measurin seventeen feet round the body, loves me 
 as a mer-ther loves her che-ild ! " But what was my horror 
 when the grizzly and infamus Bear threw his other paw under 
 me, and riz with me to his feet. Then claspin me in a close 
 embrace he waltzed up and down the platform in a frightful 
 manner, I yellin with fear and anguish. To make matters 
 wuss, a low scurrilus young man in the audiens hollered out : 
 " Playfulness of the Bear ! Quick moosic ! " I jest 'scaped 
 with my life. The Bear met with a wiolent death the next 
 clay, by bein in the way when a hevily loaded gun was fired off 
 by one of my men. 
 
 But you should hear my Essy which I wrote for the Social 
 Science Meetins. It would have had a movin effeck on 
 them. 
 
 I feel that I must now conclood. 
 
 1 have read Earl Bright's speech at Leeds, and I hope we 
 shall now hear from John Derby. I trust that not only they 
 but Wm. E. Stanley and Lord Gladstone will cling inflexibly 
 to those great fundamental principles, which they understand 
 far better than I do, and I will add that I do not understand 
 anything about any of them whatever in the least — and let up 
 
254: A VISIT TO THE BRITISH MUSEUM. 
 
 all be happy, and live within our means, even if we have U 
 borrer money to do it with. 
 
 Very respectively yours, 
 
 Artemus Ward, 
 
 
 VIII. 
 
 A VISIT TO THE BRITISH MUSEUM. 
 
 Mr. Punch, My dear Sir, — You didn't get a instructiv 
 article from my pen last week on account of my nervus sistim 
 havin underwent a dreffle shock. I got caught in a brief shine 
 of sun, and it utterly upsot me. I was walkin in Regent Street 
 one day last week, enjoyin your rich black fog and bracing 
 rains, when all at once the Sun bust out and actooally shone 
 for nearly half an hour steady. I acted promptly. I called 
 a cab and told the driver to run his hoss at a friteful r?te of 
 speed to my lodgins, but it wasn't of no avale. I had orful 
 cramps, my appytite left me, and my pults went down to 10 
 degrees below zero. But by careful nussin I shall no doubt re- 
 cover speedy, if the present sparklin and exileratin weather 
 contmners. 
 
 [All of the foregoin is sarcasum.] 
 
 It's a sing'lar fack, but I never sot eyes on your excellent 
 British Mooseum till the other day. I've sent a great many 
 peple there, as also to your genial Tower of London, however. 
 It happened thusly: When one of my excellent countrymen 
 jest arrived in London would come and see me and display a 
 inclination to cling to me too lengthy, thus showin a respect 
 for me which I feel I do not deserve, I would sugjest a visit to 
 the Mooseum and Tower. The Mooseum would ockepy him a 
 day at- leest, and the Tower another. Thus I've derived con- 
 siderable peace and comfort from them noble edifisses, and I 
 hope they will long continner to grace your metroplis. There's 
 
A VISIT TO THE BRITISH MUSEUM. 255 
 
 my fren Col. Larkins, from Wisconsin, who I regret to say un 
 derstands the Jamaica question, and wants to talk with me 
 about it ; I sent him to the Tower four days ago, and he hasn't 
 got throogh with it yit. He likes it very much, and he writes 
 me that he can't never thank me sufficient for directin him to 
 so interestin a bildin. I writ him not to mention it. The CoL 
 says it is fortnit we live in a intellectooal age which wouldn't 
 countenance such infamus things as occurd in this Tower. I'm 
 aware that it is fashin'ble to compliment this age, but I ain't 
 so clear that the Col. is altogether right. This is a very re- 
 spectable age, but it's pretty easily riled ; and considerin upon 
 how slight a provycation we who live in it go to cuttin each 
 other's throats, it may perhaps be doubted whether our intel- 
 lecks is so much massiver than our ancestors' intellecks was, 
 after all. 
 
 I alius ride outside with the cabman. I am of humble par- 
 entage, but I have (if you will permit me to say so) the spirit 
 of the eagle, which chafes when shut up in a four-wheeler, and 
 I feel much eagler when I'm in the open air. So on the morn- 
 in on which I went to the Mooseum I lit a pipe, and callin a 
 cab, I told the driver to take me there as quick as his Arabian 
 charger could go. The driver was under the inflooence of beer, 
 and narrerly escaped runnin over a aged female in the match 
 trade, whereupon I remonstratid with him. I said, " That 
 poor old woman may be the only mother of a young man like 
 you." Then throwing considerable pathos into my voice, 1 
 said, " You have a mother ? " 
 
 He said, " You lie ! " I got down and called another cab, 
 but said nothin to this driver about his parents. 
 
 The British Mooseum is a magnif'cent free show for the peo- 
 ple. It is kept open for the benefit of all. 
 
 The humble costymoDger, who traverses the busy streets 
 with a cart containin all kinds of vegetables, such as carrots, 
 turnips, etc., and drawn by a spirited jackass — he can go to 
 the Mooseum and reap benefits therefrom as well as the lord ot 
 high degree. 
 
256 A VISIT TO THE BRITISH MUSEUM. 
 
 "And this," I said, "is the British Mooseum!" "These 
 noble walls," I continnerd, punching them with my umbreller 
 to see if the masonry was all right — but I wasn't allowd to fin- 
 ish my enthoosiastic remarks, for a man with a gold band on 
 his hat said, in a hash voice, that I must stop pokin the walls, 
 { told him I would do so by all means. " You see," I said 
 taking hold of the tassel which waved from the man's belt, and 
 drawin him close to me in a confidential way, " You see, I'm 
 lookin round this Mooseum, and if I like it I shall buy it." 
 
 Instid of larfin hartily at these remarks, which was made in 
 a goakin spirit, the man frowned darkly and walked away. 
 
 I first visited the stuffed animals, of which the goriDers in- 
 terested me most. These simple-minded monsters live in 
 Afriky, and are believed to be human beins to a slight extent, 
 altho' they are not allowed to vote. In this department is one 
 or two superior giraffes. I never woulded I were a bird, but 
 I've sometimes wished I was a giraffe, on account of the long 
 distance from his mouth to his stummuck. Hence, if he loved 
 beer, one mugful would give him as much enjoyment while goin 
 down as forty mugfuls would ordinary persons. And he 
 wouldn't get intoxicated, which is a beastly way of amusir 
 oneself, I must say. I like a little beer now and then, and 
 when the teetotallers inform us, as they frekently do, that it 
 is vile stuff, and that even the swine shrink from it, I say it 
 only shows that the swine is a ass who don't know what's good ; 
 but to pour gin and brandy down one's throat as freely as 
 though it were fresh milk, is the most idiotic way of goin' to the 
 devil that I know of. 
 
 I enjoyed myself very much lookin at the Egyptian mum 
 mys, the Greek vasis, etc., but it occurd to me there was ray- 
 ther too many " Roman antiquitys of a uncertin date." Now, 
 I like the British Mooseum, as I said afore, but when I see a 
 lot of erthen jugs and pots stuck up on shelves, and all " of a 
 uncertin date," I'm at a loss to 'zackly determin whether they 
 are a thousand years old or was bought recent. I can cry like 
 & child over a jug one thousand years of age, especially if it if 
 
A VISIT TO TEE BRI1TSH MUSEUM. 257 
 
 a Roman jug ; but a jug of a uncertin date doesn't overwhelm 
 me with emotions. Jugs and pots of a uncertin age is doubt- 
 less vallyable property, but, like the debentures of the London, 
 Chatham, and Dover Railway, a man doesn't want too many of 
 them. 
 
 I was debarred out of the great readin-room. A man told 
 me I must apply by letter for admission, and that I must get 
 somebody to testify that I was respectable. I'm a little 'fraid 
 I shan't get in there. Seein a elderly gentleman, with a bene- 
 verlent-lookin face near by, I venturd to ask him if he would 
 certify that I was respectable. He said he certainly would 
 not, but he would put me in charge of a policeman, if that 
 would do me any good. A thought struck me. " I refer you 
 to Mr. Punch" I said. 
 
 " Well," said a man, who had listened to my application, 
 " you have done it now ! You stood some chance before." I 
 will get this infamus wretch's name before you go to press, so 
 you can denounce him in the present number of your excellent 
 j ournal. 
 
 The statute of Apollo is a pretty slick statute. A young 
 yeoman seemed deeply imprest with it. He viewd it with si- 
 lent admiration. At home, in the beautiful rural districks 
 where the daisy sweetly blooms, he would be swearin in a hor- 
 rible manner at his bullocks, and whacking 'em over the head 
 with a hayfork; but here, in the presence of Art, he is a 
 changed bein. 
 
 I told the attendant that if the British nation would stand 
 the expens of a marble bust of myself, I would willingly sit to 
 some talented sculpist. " I feel," I said, " that this is a dooty 
 J ewe to posterity." He said it was hily prob'l, but he waa 
 inclined to think that the British nation wouldn't care to en- 
 rich the Mooseum with a bust of me, altho' he venturd tc 
 think that if I paid for one myself it would be accepted cheer- 
 fully by Madam Tussaud, who would give it a prom'nent posi« 
 tion in her Chamber of Horrers. The young man was very 
 polite, and I thankt him kindly . 
 
258 A VISIT TO THE BRITISH MUSEUM. 
 
 After visitin the Refreshment room and partakin of half a 
 chicken " of a uncertin age," like the Roman antiquitys I have 
 previsly spoken of, I prepared to leave. As I passed through 
 the animal room I observed with pane that a benevolint person 
 was urgin the stufft elephant to accept a cold muffin, but I did 
 not feel called on to remonstrate with him, any more than I did 
 with two young persons of diff'rent sexes who had retired be- 
 hind the Rynosserhoss to squeeze each other's hands. In fack, 
 I rayther approved of the latter proceedin, for it carrid me 
 back to the sunny spring-time of my life. I'm in the shear 
 and yeller leaf now, but I don't forgit the time when to 
 squeeze my Betsy's hand sent a thrill through me like follin off 
 the roof of a two-story house ; and I never squozed that gentle 
 hand without wantin to do so some more, and feelin that it did 
 me good. 
 
 Trooly yours, 
 
 Artemus Ward. 
 
PAET VI. 
 ARTEMUS WARD'S PANORAMA. 
 
 (iLV^TBATED AS DELIVERED AT EGYPTIAN HALL, LONDON.) 
 
 PKEFATOKY KOTE. 
 
 BY MELVILLE D. LANDON. 
 
 The fame of Artemus Ward culminated in his last lec- 
 tures at Egyptian Hall, Piccadilly, the final one breaking ofl 
 abruptly on the evening of the 23d of January, 1867. That 
 night the great humorist bade farewell to the public, and re- 
 tired from the stage to die ! His Mormon lectures were im- 
 mensely successful in England. His fame became the talk of 
 journalists, savans, and statesmen. Every one seemed to be af- 
 fected differently, but every one felt and acknowledged his power. 
 " The Honorable Robert Lowe," says Mr. E. P. Hingston, 
 Artemus Ward's bosom friend, " attended the Mormon lecture 
 one evening, and laughed as hilariously as any one in the room, 
 The next evening Mr. John Bright happened to be present. 
 With the exception of one or two occasional smiles, he listened 
 with grave attention." 
 
 The London Standard, in describing his first lecture in Lon- 
 don, aptly said, "Artemus dropped his jokes faster than th« 
 
260 PREFATORY NOTE BY MEL VILLE B. LANBON. 
 
 meteors of last night succeeded each other in the sky. And 
 there was this resemblance between the flashes of his humor 
 and the flights of the meteors, that in each case one looked for 
 jokes or meteors, but they always came just in the place that 
 one least expected to find them. Half the enjoyment of the 
 evening lay, to some of those present, in listening to the hearty 
 cachinnation of the people, who only found out the jokes some 
 two or three minutes after they were made, and who laughed 
 apparently at some grave statements of fact. Reduced to 
 paper, the showman's jokes are certainly not brilliant; almost 
 their whole effect lies in their seeming impromptu character. 
 They are carefully led up to, of course ; but they are uttered as 
 if they are mere afterthoughts of which the speaker is hardly 
 sure." 
 
 His humor was so entirely fresh and unconventional, that it 
 took his hearers by surprise, and charmed them. His failing 
 health compelled him to abandon the lecture after about eight 
 or ten weeks. Indeed, during that brief period he was once or 
 twice compelled to dismiss his audience. Frequently he sank 
 into a chair and nearly fainted from the exertion of dressing. 
 He exhibited the greatest anxiety to be at his post at the ap- 
 pointed time, and scrupulously exerted himself to the utmost 
 to entertain his auditors. It was not because he was sick that 
 the public was to be disappointed, or that their enjoyment was 
 to be diminished. During the last few weeks of his lecture- 
 giving, he steadily abstained from accepting any of the numer- 
 ous invitations he received. Had he lived through the follow- 
 ing London fashionable season, there is little doubt that the 
 room at the Egyptian Hall would have been thronged nightly. 
 The English aristocracy have a fine, delicate sense of humor, 
 and the success, artistic and pecuniary, of a Artemus Ward " 
 would have rivalled that of the famous " Lord Dundreary. n 
 There were many stupid people who did not understand the 
 " fun " of Artemus Ward's books. There were many stupid 
 people who did not understand the fun of Artemus Ward's 
 •ecture on the Mormons. Highly respectable people — the 
 
PREFATORY NOTE BY MELVILLE D. LANDON. 261 
 
 pride of their parish — when they heard of a lecture " upon the 
 Mormons," expected to see a solemn person, full of old saws 
 
 and new statistics, who would denounce the sin of polygamy, 
 
 and rave without limit against Mormons. These uncomfort 
 able Christians do not like humor. They dread it as a certair 
 ].*ersonage is said to drea.d holy water, and for the same reasor 
 that thieves fear policemen — it finds them out. When these 
 good idiots heard Artemus offer, if they did not like the lec- 
 ture in Piccadilly, to give them free tickets for the same lecture 
 in California, when he next visited that country, they turned 
 to each other indignantly, and said, " What use are tickets for 
 California to us ? We are not going to California. No ! we 
 are too good, too respectable to go so far from home. The 
 man is a fool ! " One of these vestrymen complained to the 
 doorkeeper, and denounced the lecturer as an impostor — 
 " and," said the wealthy parishioner, i( as for the panorama, it 
 is the worst painted thing I ever saw." 
 
 During the lecture Artemus was always as solemn as the 
 grave. Sometimes he would seem to forget his audience, and 
 stand for several seconds gazing intently at his panorama. Then 
 he would start up and remark apologetically, " I am very fond 
 of looking at my pictures." His dress was always the same — 
 evening toilet. His manners were polished, and his voice gen- 
 tle and hesitating. Many who had read of the man who 
 spelled joke with a "g," looked for a smart old man with a 
 shrewd cock eye, dressed in vulgar velvet and gold, and they 
 were hardly prepared to see the accomplished gentleman with 
 slim physique and delicate white hands. 
 
 The letters of Artemus Ward in Punch from the tomb of 
 Shakspeare and the London Tower, had made him famous in 
 England, and in his audience were the nobility of the realm. 
 His first lecture in London was delivered at Egyptian Hall, 
 on Tuesday, November 13th, 1866. The room used was that 
 which had been occupied by Mr. Arthur Sketchley, adjoining 
 the one in which Mr. Arthur Smith formerly made Ids appear 
 
262 
 
 ARTEMU8 WARD'S LECTURE. 
 
 ances. The stage, with the curtain down, had this appearance 
 while Artemus was delivering his prologue : 
 
 Punctually at eight o'clock he would step hesitatingly before 
 the audience, and rubbing his hands bashfully, commence the 
 
 ioofcure. 
 
 THE LECTUEE. 
 
 You are entirely welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to my little 
 picture-shop. 
 I couldn't give you a very clear idea of the Mormons — and 
 
ARTEMU8 WARD'S LECTURE. 263 
 
 Utah — and the Plains — and the Rocky Mountains — with- 
 out opening a picture-shop and therefore I open one. 
 
 I don't expect to do great things here — but I have thought 
 that if I could make money enough to buy me a passage to 
 
 "New Zealand I should feel that I had not lived in vain. 
 
 I don't want to live in vain. I'd rather 
 
 *ive in Margate — or here. But I wish when the 
 Egyptians built this hall they had given it a little more venti- 
 lation. 
 
 If you should be dissatisfied with anything here to-night — 
 I will admit you all free in New Zealand — if you will come to 
 me there for the orders. Any respectable cannibal will 
 tell you where I live. This shows that I have a for- 
 giving spirit. 
 
 I really don't care for money. I only travel round to see 
 the world and to exhibit my clothes. These clothes I 
 have on were a great success in America. 
 
 How often do large fortunes ruin young men ! I s h o u 1 d 
 like to be ruined, but I can get on very well as I am. 
 
 I am not an Artist. I don't paint myself though per- 
 haps if I were a middle-aged single lady I should yet I have a 
 
 passion for pictures. 1 have had a great many pictures — 
 
 photographs — taken of myself. Some of them are very pretty 
 — rather sweet to look at for a short time — 
 and as I said before, I like them. I've always loved pictures. 
 
 I could draw on wood at a very tender age. When a mere 
 child I once drew a small cart-load of raw tur- 
 nips over a wooden bridge. The people of the 
 
 village noticed me. I drew their attention. They 
 said 1 had a future before me. Up to that time I had an idea 
 it was behind me. 
 
 Time passed on. It always does, by the way. You may 
 possibly have noticed that Time passes on, 
 It is a kind of way Time has. 
 
 I became a man. I haven't distinguished myself at all aa 
 
264 ARTEMU8 WARDS LECTURE. 
 
 an artist — but I have always been more or less mixed up with 
 Art. I have an uncle who takes photographs — and I have 
 
 a Servant who takes anything he can get his hands on. 
 
 When I was in Rome Rome in New York State T 
 
 mean a distinguished sculpist wanted to sculp me. But 
 
 1 said " No." I saw through the designing man. My model 
 Ciiue in his hands — he would have flooded the market with 
 
 my busts and I couldn't stand it to see everybody going 
 
 round with a bust of me. Everybody would want one of 
 course — and wherever I should go I should meet the educated 
 classes with my bust, taking it home to their families. This 
 would bemore t h an my mod esty c oul d s t an J 
 and I should have to return to America 
 
 where my creditors are. 
 
 I like Art. I admire dramatic Art — although I failed as an 
 actor. 
 
 It was in my schoolboy days that I failed as an actor. 
 
 The play was " the Ruins of Pompeii." 1 played the 
 
 Ruins. It was not a very successful performance — but it 
 was better than the "Burning Mountain." He was not 
 
 good. He Was a bad Vesuvius. 
 
 The remembrance often makes me ask — " Where are the 
 boys of my youth ? " 1 assure you this is not a conun- 
 drum. Some are amongst you here some in America 
 
 some are in gaol. 
 
 Hence arises a most touching question — " Where are the 
 
 girls of my youth ? " Some are married some would 
 
 like to be. 
 
 Oh my Maria ! Alas ! she married another. They frequently 
 
 <io. I hope she is happy — because I am.* Some people 
 
 are not happy. I have noticed that. 
 
 * " Because I am! " — Spoken with a sigh. It was a joke which al- 
 ways told. Artemus never failed to use it in his " Babes in the Wood " 
 lecture, and the " Sixty Minutes in Africa," as well as in the Mormon 
 story. 
 
ARTEMUS WARDS LECTURE. 265 
 
 A gentleman friend of mine came to me one day with tears in 
 his eyes. I said, " Why these weeps ? " He said he had a mort- 
 gage on his farm — and wanted to borrow £200. I lent him 
 the money — and he went away. Some time after he returned 
 with more tears. He said he must leave me for ever. I ven- 
 tured to remind him of the £200 he borrowed. He was much 
 czt up. I thought I would not be hard upon him — so told 
 him I would throw off one hundred pounds. He brightened 
 — shook my hand — and said — " Old friend — I won't allow 
 
 you to outdo me in liberality I'll throw off the 
 
 other hundred." 
 
 As a manager I was always rather more successful than as 
 an actor. 
 
 Some years ago I engaged a celebrated Living American 
 Skeleton for a tour through Australia. He was the thinnest 
 man I ever saw. He was a splendid skeleton. He didn't 
 
 weigh anything scarcely and I said to myself — the people 
 
 of Australia will flock to see this tremendous curiosity. It is 
 a long voyage — as you know — from New York to Mel- 
 bourne — and to my utter surprise the skeleton had no sooner 
 got out to sea than he commenced eating in the most horrible 
 manner. He had never been on the ocean before — and he 
 
 said it agreed with him. 1 thought so ! I never saw a 
 
 man eat so much in my life. Beef — mutton — pork he 
 
 swallowed them all like a shark and between meals he 
 
 was often discovered behind barrels eating hard-boiled eggs. 
 The result was that when we reached Melbourne this infamous 
 skeleton weighed 64 pounds more than I did ! 
 
 I thought I was ruined but I wasn't. I took him on 
 
 to California another very long sea voyage and when « 
 
 I got him to San Francisco I exhibited him as a 
 Fat Man. 
 
 This story hasn't anything to do with my Entertainment, 1 
 
 know but one of the principal features of my Entertainment 
 
 is that it contains so many things that don't have anything to do with 
 it 
 
ARTEMUS WARD'S LECTURE. 
 
 My Orchestra is small but I am sure it is veiy good — 
 
 so far as it goes . I give my pianist ten pounds a 
 night — arid his washing. 
 
 I like Music. 1 can't sing. As a eingist I am not a 
 
 success. Iamsaddest when I sing. So axe those who hear me. 
 They are sadder even than I am. 
 
 The other night some silver-voiced young men came und(jr 
 niy window and sang — (i Come where my love lies dreaming." 
 1 didn't go. I didn't think it would be cor- 
 rect. 
 
 I found music very soothing when I lay ill with fever in 
 
 Utah and I was very ill 1 was fearfully wasted. « 
 
 My face was hewn down to nothing — and my nose was so 
 sharp I didn't dare to stick it into other people's business — 
 for fear it would stay there — and I should 
 never get it again. And on those dismal days a Mormon lady 
 
 she was married — tho' not so much so as her 
 
 husband — he had fifteen other wives she used to sing a ballad 
 
 commencing tl Sweet bird — do not fly away ! " and I told 
 
 her I wouldn't. She played the accordion divinely — ac- 
 
 corclionly I praised her. 
 
 I met a man in Oregon who hadn't any teeth — not a tooth in 
 
 his head yet that man could play on the bass 
 
 drum better than any man I ever met. He 
 
 kept a hotel. They have queer hotels in Oregon. I remember 
 
 one where they gave me a bag of oats for a pillow 1 had 
 
 night mares of course. In the morning the landlord 
 
 said — How do you feel — old hoss — hay ? — 1 told him I 
 
 felc my oats. 
 
 Permit me now to quietly state that altho' I am here with 
 my cap and bells I am also here with some serious descriptions 
 
 of 'the Mormons — their manners — their customs and 
 
 while the pictures I shall present to your notice are by no 
 means works of art — they are painted from photographs 
 actually taken on the spot — and I am sure I need not in- 
 
ARTEMUS WARD'S LECTURE. 
 
 267 
 
 form any person present who was ever in the territoiy of Utah 
 that they are as faithful as they could possibly be. 
 
 I went to Great Salt Lake City by way of California. 
 
 I went to California on the steamer " Ariel." 
 
 
 This is the steamer l( Ariel." 
 
 Oblige me by calmly gazing on the steamer " Ariel"- 
 
 and when you go to California be sure and 
 go on some other steamer because the Ariel isn't a 
 
 very good one. 
 
 When I reached the " Ariel " — at pier No. 4 — New "York 
 - - 1 foun I the passengers in a state of great confusion about 
 their things — which were being thrown around by the ship's 
 
 porters in a manner at once damaging and idiotic. So great 
 
 was the excitement — my fragile form was smashed this way — ■ 
 and jammed that way — till finally I was shoved into a state- 
 
268 
 
 ARTEMUS WARD'S LECTURE. 
 
 room which, was occupied by two middle-aged females- — wh« 
 
 said 3 "Baseman — leaveus— o, leave us i 1 ' I left them • 
 
 Oh — I left them! 
 
 We reach Acapulco on the coast of Mexico in due time. 
 
 Nothing of special interest occurred at Acapulco only 
 
 3ome of the Mexican ladies are very beautiful. They all have 
 
 brilliant black hair hair " black as starless night " ■ i f 
 
 I may quote from the "Family Herald." It 
 
 don't curl. A Mexican lady's hair never curls it is 
 
 straight as an Indian's. Some people's hair won't curl under 
 any circumstances. My hair won't curl under two shillings.* 
 
 The great thoroughfare of the imperial city of the Pacific 
 
 Coast. 
 
 * " Under Two Shillings." Artemus always wore his hair straight 
 until after his severe illness in Salt Lake City. So much of it dropped 
 off during his recovery that he became dissatisfied with the long meagre 
 
ARTEMUS WARPS LECTURE. 269 
 
 The Chinese form a large element in the population of Sari 
 Francisco — and I went to the Chinese Theatre. 
 
 A Chinese play often lasts two months. Commencing at the 
 hero's birth, it is cheerfully conducted from week to week till 
 he is either killed or married. 
 
 The night I was there a Chinese comic vocalist sang a 
 Chinese comic song. It took him six weeks to finish it — but 
 as my time was limited I went away at the expiration of 2lb 
 verses. There were 11,000 verses to this song — the chorus 
 
 being "Tural lural dural, ri fol day" which was repeated 
 
 twice at the end of each verse making — as you will at 
 
 once see — the appalling number of 22,000 "■ tural lural dural, 
 ri fol days" and the man still lives. 
 
 appearance his countenance presented when he surveyed it in the look 
 ing-glass. After his lecture at the Salt Lake City Theatre he did not 
 lecture again until we had crossed the Rocky Mountains and arrived at 
 Denver City, the capital of Colorado. On the afternoon he was to lec- 
 ture there I met him. coming out of an ironmonger's store with a small 
 parcel in his hand. ' ' I want you, old fellow, " he said ; " I have been all 
 round the City for them, and I've got them at last." " G-ot what? " 
 I asked. ' ' A pair of curling-tongs. I am going to have my hair curled 
 to lecture in to-night. I mean to cross the plains in curls. Come home 
 with me and try to curl it for me. I don't want to go to &*w idiot of a 
 barber to be laughed at. " I played the part of friseur. SSubseq-iently 
 he becam.e his own " curlist," as he phrased it, From thai cU±s fortli 
 Ar tenuis was a curly-haired man. 
 
270 
 
 ARTEMUS WARD'S LECTURE. 
 
 Virginia City — in the bright new State of Nevada. 
 
 A wonderful little city — right in the heart of the famous 
 Washoe silver regions ■ the mines of which annually pro- 
 duce over twenty -five millions of solid silver. This silver is 
 melted into solid bricks — of about the size of ordinary house- 
 bricks — and carted off to San Francisco with mules. The 
 roads often swarm with these silver wagons. 
 
 One hundred and seventy-five miles to the east of this placo 
 are the Reese River Silver Mines — which are supposed to be 
 fche richest in the world. 
 
 The great American Desert in winter-time the desert 
 
 which is so frightfully gloomy always. No trees no 
 
 houses no people — save the miserable beings who live in 
 
 wretched huts and have charge of the horses and mules of the 
 Overland Mail Company. 
 
ARTEMUS WARD'S LECTURE. 
 
 271 
 
 PLAINS BETWEEN VIRGINIA CITY AND SALT LAKE. 
 
 This picture is a great work of art. It is an oil painting 
 
 — done i 11 petroleum. It is by the Old Masters. It 
 was the last thing they did before dying. They did this 
 and then they expired. 
 
 The most celebrated artists of London are so delighted with 
 this picture that they come to the Hall every day to gaze at it. 
 T wish you were nearer to it — so you could see it better. \ 
 wish I could take it to your residences and let you see it by 
 daylight. Some of the greatest artists in London come here 
 every morning before daylight with lanterns to look at. 
 They say they never saw anything like it 
 
 before and they hope they never shall again. 
 
 When I first showed this picture in New York, the audience 
 were so enthusiastic in their admiration of this picture that 
 
272 
 
 ARTEMUS WARD'S LECTURE. 
 
 they called for the Artist and when he np 
 
 peared they threw brickbats at him. 
 
 A bird's-eye view of Great Salt Lake City the strange 
 
 city in the Desert about which so much has been heard 
 
 the city of the people who call themselves Saints. 
 
 I know there is much interest taken in these remarkable 
 
 people — ladies and gentlemen and I have thought it 
 
 better to make the purely descrip tive part of my Entertain- 
 ment entirely serious. 1 will not — then — for the next 
 
 ten minutes — confine myself to my subject. 
 
 Some seventeen years ago a small band of Mormons — 
 iieaded by Brigham Young — - commenced in the present thrifty 
 metropolis of Utah. The population of the territory of Utah 
 
 is over 100 5 000 — chiefly Mormons and they are increasing 
 
 at the rate of from five to ten thousand annually. The con 
 
ABTEMUS WARDS LECTURE. 273 
 
 verts to Mormonism now are almost exclusively conlined to 
 English and Germans. "Wales and Cornwall have contrib- 
 uted largely to the population of Utah during the last few 
 
 years. The population of Great Salt Lake City is 20,000. 
 
 The streets are eight rods wide — and are neither nagged nor 
 iavod. A stream of pure mountain spring water courses 
 through each street — and is conducted into the Gardens of the 
 Mori^orv?. The houses are mostly of adobe — or sun-dried 
 
 l.'.riuk — and present a neat and comfortable appearance. 
 
 Thpy are usually a story and a half high. ISTow and then you 
 
 see a fine modern house in Salt Lake City but no house 
 
 that is dirty, shabby, and dilapidated — because there are no 
 absolutely poor people in Utah. Every Mormon has a nice 
 garden and every Mormon has a tidy dooryard. Neat- 
 ness is a great characteristic of the Mormons. 
 
 The Mormons profess to believe that they are the chosen peo- 
 ple of God they call themselves Latter-day Saints — 
 
 and they call us people of the outer world Gentiles. They say 
 that Mr. Brigham Young is a prophet — the legitimate successor 
 of Joseph Smith — who founded the Mormon religion. They 
 also say they are authorized — by special revelation from 
 Heaven — to marry as many wives as they can comfortably 
 support. 
 
 This wife-system they call plurality the world oalls it 
 
 polygamy. That at its best it is an accursed thing — I need 
 
 not of course inform you but you will bear in mind 
 
 that I am here as a rather cheerful reporter of what I saw in 
 
 Utah and I fancy it isn't at all necessary for me to grow 
 
 virtuously indignant over something we all know is hideously 
 wrong. 
 
 You wiL be surprised to hear — I was amazed to see — that 
 among the Mormon women there are some few persons of 
 education — of positive cultivation. As a class the Mormons are 
 not an educated people but they are by no means the com- 
 munity of ignoramuses 30 many writers have told us they were. 
 12* 
 
274 ARTEMUS WARDS LECTURE. 
 
 The valley in which they live is splendidly favored. They 
 raise immense crops. They have mills of all kinds. They have 
 coal — lead — and silver mines. All they eat — all they drink 
 — till they wear they can produce themselves — and still have a 
 great abundance to sell to the gold regions of Idaho on the ono 
 hand — and the silver regions of Nevada on the other. 
 
 Tl ie President of this remarkable community the 
 
 head of the Mormon Church is Brigham Young. ~ — — <— 
 
 He is called President Young — and Brother Brigham. He is 
 about 54 years old — altho' he doesn't look to be over 45. He 
 
 has sandy hair and whiskers is of medium height 
 
 and is a little inclined to corpulency. He was born in the 
 State of Yermont. His power is more absolute than that of any 
 
 living sovereign yet he uses it with such consummate 
 
 discretion that his people are almost madly devoted to him — 
 and that they would cheerfully die for him if they thought the 
 sacrifice were demanded — I cannot doubt. 
 
 He is a man of enormous wealth. One-tenth of everything 
 
 sold in the territory of Utah goes to the Church and Mr. 
 
 Brigham Young is the Church. It is supposed that he specu- 
 lates with these funds at all events — he is one of the 
 
 wealthiest men now living worth several millions — with 
 
 out doubt. — He is a bold — bad man but that he is also 
 
 a man of extraordinary adniinistrative ability no one can doubt 
 who has watched his astounding career for the past ten years. 
 It is only fair for me to add that he treated me with marked 
 kindness during my sojourn in Utah. 
 
 The "West Side of Main Street — Salt Lake City — including 
 a view of the Salt Lake Hotel. It is a temperance hotel.* 1 
 
 "* " Temperance Hotel." At the date of our visit, there was only one 
 place in Salt Lake City where strong drink was allowed to be sold, 
 Brigham Young himself owned the property, and vended the liquor by 
 wholesale, not permitting any of it to be drunk on the premises. It 
 was a coarse, inferior kind of whiskey, known in Salt Lake as " Valley 
 Tan.*' Throughout the city there was no drinkmg-bar nor billiard 
 
ARTEMUS WARD'S LECTURE. 
 
 275 
 
 WEST SIDE OF MAIN STREET, SALT LAKE CITY. 
 
 prefer temperance hotels — a 1 1 h o ' they sell worse 
 liquor than any other kind of hotels. But 
 
 the Salt Lake Hotel sells none nor is there a bar in 
 
 all Salt Lake City but I found when I was thirstj r — 
 
 and I generally am — that I could get some very good brandy' 
 of one of the Elders — on the sly — and 1 never on any 
 
 account allow my business to interfere with my drinking. 
 
 room, so far as I am aware. But a drink on the sly could always be 
 had at one of the hard-goods stores, in the back office behind the pile 
 of metal saucepans ; or at one of the dry-goods stores, in the little par- 
 lor in the rear of the bales of calico. At the present time I believe 
 that there are two or three open bars in Salt Lake, Brigham Young 
 having recognized the right of the " Saints" to " liquor up" occasion 
 ally. But whatever other failings they may have, intemperance cannot 
 be laid to their charge. Among the Mormons there are no paupers, nc 
 gamblers, and no drunkards. 
 
276 
 
 ARTEMU8 WARD'S LECTURE. 
 
 ^^^^^^^^^^i^^^^p^^^^^^p 
 
 Pi 
 
 There is the Overland Mail Coach. That is, the den on 
 
 eels in which we have been crammed for the past ten days 
 
 and ten nights, Those of you who have been in New- 
 
 o* 
 
 and stayed there any length of time as 
 
 v i s i to r s can realize how I felt. 
 
 The American Overland Mail Route commences at Sacra- 
 mento — California and ends at Atchison ■ — Kansas. The 
 
 *• " Been in Newgate." The manner in which Artermis uttered this 
 joke was peculiarly characteristic of his style of lecturing-. The com- 
 mencement of the sentence was spoken as if unpremeditated ; then, 
 when he had got as far as the word " Newgate," he paused, as if wishing 
 do call back that which he had said. The applause was unfa'lingJy ip 
 roarious 
 
ART.EMU8 WARD'S LECTURE. 
 
 277 
 
 distance is two thousand two hundred miles but you go paii 
 
 of the way by rail. The Pacific Railway is now completed 
 
 from Sacramento — California — to Fulsom — California 
 
 which only leaves two thousand two hundred and e^ven milea 
 to go by coach. This breaks the monotony 
 it came very near breaking my back. 
 
 The Mormon Theatre. 
 
 This edifice is the exclusive property of Brigham Young. It 
 will comfortably hold 3,000 persons — and J beg you will be- 
 lieve me when T inform you that its interior is quite as bril- 
 liant as that of any theatre in London. 
 
 The actors are all Mormon amateurs, who charge nothing for 
 their services. 
 
 You must know that very little money is taken at the doors 
 jf this theatre. Tie Mormons mostly pay in grain — and alj 
 sorts of articles. 
 
278 
 
 ARTEMU8 WARD'S LECTURE. 
 
 The niglit I gave my little lecture there — among my receipts 
 
 were corn — flour — pork — cheese — chickens on foot 
 
 and in the shell. 
 
 One family went in on a live pig and a man attempted to 
 
 pass a " yaller dog " at the Box Offi.ce — but my agent repulsed 
 
 liim. One offered me a doll for admission another infants' 
 
 dLothing. 1 refused to take that. As a general 
 
 rule I do refuse. 
 
 In the middle of the parquet — in a rocking chair — with 
 his hat on — sits Brigham Young. When the play drags — he 
 either goes out or falls into a tranquil sleep. 
 
 A portion of the dress-circle is set apart for the wives ot 
 Brigham Young. From ten to twenty of them are usually 
 present. His children fill the entire gal- 
 lery — and more too. 
 
 EAST SIDE OF MAIN STREET, SALT LAKE CITY. 
 
ARTEMUS WARDS LECTURE. 279 
 
 The East Side of Main Street — Salt Lake City — with a 
 
 view of the Council Building The legislature of Utah 
 
 meets there. It is like all legislative bodies. They meet this 
 winter to repeal the laws which they met and made last winter 
 
 and they will meet next winter to repeal the laws which 
 
 they met and made this winter. 
 
 I dislike to speak about it but it was in Utah 
 
 that 1 made the great speech of my life. I wish you could 
 have heard it. I have a fine education. You may have 
 
 noticed it. I speak six different languages London — * 
 
 Chatham — and Dover Margate — ■ Brighton — and Hast- 
 ings. My parents sold a cow — and sent me to college when I 
 was quite young. During the vacation I used to teach a 
 
 school of whales - — and there's where I learned to spout. 
 
 I don't expect applause for a little thing like that. I wish you 
 
 could have heard that speech — however. If Cicero 
 
 he's dead now he has gone from us — but if old 
 
 Ciss* could have heard that effort it would have given him the 
 rinderpest. I'll tell you how it was. There are stationed in 
 
 Utah two regiments of U. S. troops the 21st from Cali 
 
 fornia — and the 37th from Nevada. The 20-onesters asked 
 
 me to present a stand of colors to the 37-sters and I did 
 
 it in a speech so abounding in eloquence of a bold and brilliant 
 character and also some sweet talk real pretty shop- 
 keeping talk that I worked the enthusiasm oi 
 
 those soldiers up to such a pitch — that they 
 came very near shooting me on the spot. 
 
 * " Old Ciss." Here again no description can adequately inform the 
 reader of the drollery which characterized the lecturer. His reference 
 to Cicero was made in the most lugubrious manner, as if he really de« 
 plored his death and valued him as a schoolfellow loved and lost. 
 
280 
 
 ARTEMUS WARD'S LECTURE. 
 
 ^^s^w^^^^^^w^mm 
 
 
 Brigham Young's Harem. These are the houses of 
 
 Brigham Young. The first on the right is the Lion House — so 
 called because a crouching stone lion adorns the central front 
 window. The adjoining small building is Brigham Young's office 
 
 — and where he receives his visitors. The large house in 
 
 the centre of the picture — which displays a huge bee-hive — 
 
 is called the Bee House the bee-hive is supposed to be 
 
 symbolical of the industry of the Mormons. Mrs. Brigham 
 
 Young the first — now quite an old lady — lives here with her 
 children. None of the other wives of the prophei live here. 
 In the rear are the school-houses where Brigham Young's 
 children are educated. 
 
 Brigham Young has two hundred wives. Just think ol 
 that! Oblige me by thinking- of that. That is — he has eighty 
 actual wives, and he is spiritually married to one hundred and 
 twenty more. These spiritual marriages as the Mor- 
 
ARTEMU8 WARDS LECTURE. 281 
 
 mons call them are contracted with aged widows — who 
 
 think it a great honor to be sealed the Mormons call it 
 
 being sealed to the Prophet. 
 
 So we may say he has two hundred wives. He loves not 
 wisely — but two hundred well. He is dreadfully 
 married. He's the most married man I ever saw in my life. 
 
 I saw his mother-in-law while I w r as there. I can't ex- 
 actly tell you how many there is of her — but it's 
 a good deal. It strikes me that one mother-in-law is about 
 enough to have in a family unless you're very fond of excitement. 
 
 A few days before my arrival in Utah — Brigham was mar- 
 ried again — to a young and really pretty girl but he 
 
 says he shall stop now. He told me confidentially that he 
 shouldn't get married any more. He says that all he wants 
 now is to live in peace for the remainder of his days — and 
 have his dying pillow soothed by the loving hands of his family. 
 
 Well — that's all right that's all right — I suppose • 
 
 but if all his family soothe his dying pillow 
 — he'll have to go out-doors to die. 
 
 By the way — Shakespeare indorses polygamy. He 
 
 .-.peaks of the Merry Wives of Windsor. How many wives 
 did Mr. Windsor have? But we will let this pass. 
 
 Some of these Mormons have terrific families. I lectured 
 
 one night by invitation in the Mormon village of Provost ■ 
 
 but during the day I rashly gave a leading .Mormon an order 
 
 admitting himself and family. It was before I knew 
 
 that he was much married and they filled the 
 
 room to overflowing. It was a great success- — -but 
 I didn't gat any money. 
 
28: 
 
 ARTEMU8 WARD'S LECTURE. 
 
 Heber C. Kimball's Harem. Mr. C. Kimball is the first 
 
 vice-president of the Mormon church — and would — conse- 
 quently — succeed to the full presidency on Brigham Young's 
 death. 
 
 Brother Kimball is a gay and festive cuss of some seventy 
 summers or some'ers thereabout. He has one thous- 
 and head of cattle and a hundred head of 
 wive s. He says they are awful eaters. 
 
 Mr. Kimball had a son a lovely young man who was 
 
 But one day while he 
 
 married to ten interesting wives. 
 
 was absent from home 
 walking with a 
 
 these ten wives went out 
 
 handsome young man— - which 
 so enraged Mr. Kimball's son — which made Mr. Kimball's son 
 so jealous — that he shot himself with a horse pistuel. 
 
 The doctor who attended him — — a very scientific man 
 
ARTEMUS WARUS LECTURE. 283 
 
 Informed tae that the bullet entered the inner parallelogram 
 of his diaphragmatic thorax, superinducing membranous hem 
 orrhage in the outer cuticle of his basiliconthamatuigist. It 
 killed him. I shouid have thought it would. 
 
 {Soft music.)* 
 
 I nope his sad em\ iriR be a warning to all young wives who 
 get out walking with handsome young men. Mr. Kimball's 
 >son is now no more. He sleeps beneath the cypress 
 — the myrtle — and the willow. This music is a 
 dirge by the eminent pianist for Mr. Kimball's son. He died 
 by request. 
 
 I regret to say that efforts were made to make a Mormon of 
 me while I was in Utah. 
 
 It was leap-year when I wa,s there — and seventeen young 
 
 widows the wives of a deceased Mormon offered me 
 
 their hearts and hands. I called on them one day — and 
 
 taking their soft white hands in mine which made 
 
 eighteen hands altogether I found them in 
 
 tears. 
 
 And I said " Why is this thus ? What is the reason 
 
 of this thusness ? " 
 
 They hove a sigh seventeen sighs of different size. 
 
 They said — 
 
 " Oh — soon thou wilt be gonested away ! " 
 
 I told them that when I got ready to leave a place I went 
 rsted. 
 
 They said — " Doth not like us ? " 
 
 1 said — "I doth 1 doth!" 
 
 * "'Soft Music.'' 1 Here Artemus Ward's pianist (following instruc- 
 tions) sometimes played the dead march from " SaitV At other times, 
 the Welsh air of "Poor Mary Anne; " or anything" else replete with 
 sadness which might chance to strike his fancy. The effect was irre- 
 sistibly comic 
 
284 
 
 ARTEMUS WARD'S LECTURE. 
 
 I also said — "I hope your intentions are honorablB — a* ) 
 
 am a lone child my parents being far — far away. 
 
 They then said — ci Wilt not marry us ? " 
 
 I said — "Oh — no it cannot was." 
 
 Again they asked me to marry them — and again I declined 
 When they cried — 
 
 " Oh — cruel man ! This is too much oh ! too much ? * 
 
 I told them that it was on account of 
 the muchness that I declined. 
 
 . This is the Mormon Temple. 
 
 It is built of adobe — and will hold five thousand persons 
 quite comfortably. A full brass and string band often assises 
 
 the choir of this church and the choir — I may add — is a 
 
 remarkably good one. 
 
ARTEMUS WARPS LECTURE. 
 
 285 
 
 Brighain Young seldom preaches now. Th-3 younger elders 
 — — unless on some special occasion — conduct the services. 
 I only heard Mr. Young once. He is not an educated man 
 
 but speaks with considerable force and clearness. Thf 1 
 
 day I was there there was nothing coarse in his remarks. 
 
 
 The foundations of the Temple. 
 
 These are the foundations of the magnificent Temple the 
 Mormon} at 3 building. It is to be built of hewn stone — and 
 in'il cover several acres of ground. They say it shalJ eclipse 
 in splendor all other temples in the world. They also say it 
 aha 11 be paved with solid gold. 
 
 It is perhaps worthy of remark that the architect of this con- 
 templated gorgeous affair repudiated Mormonism — and is no-w 
 living in London. 
 
286 
 
 ARTEMUS WARDS LECTURE. 
 
 The Temple as it is to be. 
 
 This pretty little picture is from the architect's design 
 
 and cannot therefore — I suppose — be called a fancy sketch. 
 
 Should the Mormons continue unmolested — I think they 
 will complete this rather remarkable edifice. 
 
 Great Salt Lake. The great salt dead sea of the 
 
 iesert. 
 
 I know of no greater curiosity than this inland sea of thick 
 biine. It is eighty miles wide — and one hundred and thirty 
 miles long. Solid masses of salt are daily washed ashore in im- 
 mense heaps — and the Mormon in want of salt has only to go 
 to the shore of this lake and fill his cart. Only — the salt for 
 table use has to be subjected to a boiling process. 
 
ARTEMUS WARD'S LECTURE. 
 
 281 
 
 GREAT SALT LAKE. 
 
 These are facts — susceptible of the clearest possible proof. 
 They tell one story about this lake — however — that I have 
 my doubts about. They say a Mormon farmer drove forty 
 head cf cattle in there once — and they came out first- 
 rate pickled bee f. 
 
288 
 
 ABTEMU8 WARD'S LECTURE. 
 
 I sincerely hope you "will excuse my absence 
 
 1 am a 
 
 man short — and have to work tire moon myself.* 
 
 I shall be most happy to pay a good 
 salary to any respectable boy of good 
 parentage and education who is a good 
 an o o n i s t. 
 
 The Endowment House. 
 
 * ' The Moon myself." Hero Artenms would leave the rostrum for a 
 few mo ments. and pretead to be engaged behind. The picture was 
 painted for a night-scene, and the effect intended to be produced was 
 -but of the moon rising over the lake and rippling on the waters. It 
 %'&% produced in the usual dioramic way, by making the track of the 
 moon transparent and throwing the moon on from the bull's eye of a 
 santera. "When Artemus went behind, the moon would become nervous 
 and flickering, dancing up and down in the most inartistic and unde- 
 cided manner. The result was that, coupled with the lecturer's oddly 
 expressed apology, the "moon "became one of the best laughed-at 
 parts of the entertainment. 
 
ARTEMUS WARD'S LECTURE. 
 
 289 
 
 In this building the Mormon is initiated into the mysteries 
 of the faith. 
 
 Strange stories are told of the proceedings which are held in 
 
 this building bub I have no possible means of knowing 
 
 how true they may be. 
 
 Salt Lake City is fifty-five miles behind us — and this is Echo 
 Canon — in reaching which we are supposed to have crossed 
 the summit of the Wahsatch Mountains. These ochre-colored 
 
 Huffs formed of conglomerate sandstone — and full of 
 
 fossils signal the entrance to the Canon. At its base 
 
 lies Weber Station. 
 
 Echo Canon is about twenty-five miles long. It is really 
 the sublimest thing between the Missouri and the Sierra Ne- 
 vada. The red wall to the left develops farther up the Cftfion 
 13 
 
290 
 
 ARTEMUS WARD'S LECTURE. 
 
 into pyramids — buttresses — and castles h ,oey combed 
 
 and fretted in nature's own massive magnificence of architec* 
 ture. 
 
 In 1856 — Echo Canon was the place selected by Brigham 
 Y :>ung for the Mormon General Wells to fortify and make im- 
 pregnable against the advance of the American army — led by 
 General Albert Sidney Johnson. It was to have jeen the 
 
 Thermopylae of Mormondom but it wasn't. General 
 
 Wells was to have done Leonidas but he didn't. 
 
 A more cheerful view of the Desert. 
 
 The wild snow-storms have left us — and we have thrown our 
 wolf-skin overcoats aside. Certain tribes of far- western Indians 
 bury their distinguished dead by placing them high in air and 
 
 covering them with valuable furs that is a very fajj 1 
 
 representation of these mid-air tombs, Those animals are 
 horses 1 know they are — - because my artist says so. 
 
ARTEMU8 WARDS LECTURE. 
 
 291 
 
 I had the picture two years before I discovered the fact. 
 
 The artist came to me about six months ago — and said 
 
 II It is useless to disguise it from you any longer t h -3 y 
 
 are horse s." 
 
 It was while crossing this desert that I was surrounded by a 
 band of Ute Indians. They were splendidly mounted — — - 
 
 they were dressed in beaver-skins and they were armed 
 
 with rifles — knives — and pistols. 
 
 What could I do ? What could a poor old orphan do ? 
 
 I'm a brave man. The day before the Battle of Bull's Hun 
 
 OUR ENCOUNTER WITH THE INDIANS. 
 
 1 stood in the highway while the bullets those dreadful 
 
 messengers of death were passing all around 
 
 me thickly in waggons on their ay ay 
 
292 ARTEMUS WARD'S LECTURE. 
 
 to the battle-fiel d.* But there were too many of 
 
 these Injuns there were forty of them — and only on« 
 
 of me and so I said — 
 
 "Great Chief — I surrender." His name was "Wocky 
 bocky. 
 
 He dismounted — and approached me. I saw his tomahawk 
 glisten in the morning sunlight. Fire was in his eye. Wocky- 
 bocky came very close to me and seized me by the hair of my 
 head. He mingled his swarthy fingers with my golden tresses 
 and he -rubbed his dreadful Thomashawk across my lily- 
 white face. He said — 
 
 ct Torsha arrah darrah mishky bookshean ! " 
 
 I told him he was right. 
 
 Wocky-bocky again rubbed his tomahawk across my face, 
 and said — " Wink-ho — loo-boo ! " 
 
 Says I — " Mr. Wocky-bocky " — says I " Wocky — I 
 
 have thought so for years — and so's all 
 our family." 
 
 He told me I must go to the tent of the Strong-Heart and 
 eat raw dog.f It don't agree with me. I prefer simple food. 
 I prefer pork -pie — because then I know 
 what I'm eating. But as raw dog was all they proposed to 
 give to me — I had to eat it or starve. So at the expiration of 
 
 * " Tft,eirwaytothe battle-field.^ This was the great joke of Arteraus 
 Ward's first lecture, " The Babes in the Wood." He never omitted it 
 in any of his lectures, nor did it lose its power to create laughter by 
 repetition. The audiences at the Egyptian Hall, London, laughed as im- 
 moderately at it as did those of Irving Hall, New York, or of the Tie- 
 mont Temple in Boston. 
 
 ■j "Raw dog." While sojourning for a day in a camp of Sioux In- 
 dians we were informed that the warriors of the tribe were accustomed 
 to eat raw dog to give them courage previous to going to battle. Ar- 
 temus was greatly amused with the information. When, in after years, 
 he became weak and languid, and was called upon to go to lecture, it 
 was a favorite joke with him to inquire, " Hingston, have you got any 
 raw dog ? " 
 
ARTEMUS WARD'S LECTURE. 
 
 293 
 
 two days I seized a tin plate and went to the chief's daughter 
 
 — and I said to her in a silvery voice in a kind 
 
 of German-silvery voice 1 said — 
 
 "Sweet child of the forest, the pale-face wants his dog." 
 There was nothing but his paws ! I had paused too 
 long! Which reminds me that time passes. A way which 
 
 time has. 
 
 I was told in my youth to seize opportunity. I once tried to 
 seize one. He was rich. He had diamonds on. As I seized 
 him — he knocked me down. Since then I have learned that 
 he who seizes opportunity sees the penitentiary. 
 
 The Rocky Mountains. 
 
 I take it for granted you have heard of these popular moun- 
 tains. In America they are regarded as a great 
 success, and we all love dearly to talk about them. It M 
 
294 
 
 ARTEMU8 WARD'S LECTURE. 
 
 a kind of weakness with us. I never knew but one American 
 who hadn't something — some time — to say about the Kocky 
 Mountains — and he was a deaf and dumb man, who couldn't 
 say anything about nothing. 
 
 But these mountains — whose summits are snow-covered 
 and icy all the year round — are too grand to make fun of. I 
 crossed them in the winter of '64 — in a rough sleigh drawn 
 hj four mules. 
 
 This sparkling waterfall is the Laughing-Water alluded to by 
 Mr. Longfellow in his Indian poem — " Higher- Water." The 
 water is higher up there. 
 
 The plains of Colorado. 
 
 These are the dreary plains over which we rode for so many 
 weary days. An affecting incident occurred on these plains 
 some time since, which I am sure you will pardon me for in 
 
 troducing here. 
 
ARTEMU8 WARD'S LECTURE. 
 
 295 
 
 On a bea utiful June morning — some sixteen years ago 
 
 (Music, very loud till the scene is off.) 
 
 * * " * * * 
 
 * * * * * 
 
 8|5 3$» !j» H» * 
 
 ***** 
 
 SgS «|» SgS ' - «|S ' 3|G 
 
 ***** 
 
 and she fainted on Reginald's breast!* 
 
 Th' i Prairie on Fire. 
 
 * " On Reginald's breast" At this part of the lecture Artemus pre- 
 tended to tell a story — -the piano playing loudly all the time. He con- 
 tinued his narration in excited dumb-show — his lips moving as though 
 he were speaking. For some minutes the audience indulged in unre- 
 strained laughter. 
 
206 
 
 ARTEMUS WARD'S LECTURE. 
 
 A prairie ok. fire is one of the wildest and grandest sHit* 
 that can possibly be imagined. 
 
 These fires occur — of course — in the summer — when the 
 
 grass is diy as tinder and the flames rush and roar ovei 
 
 the prairie in a manner frightful to behold. They usually X urn 
 better than mine is burning to-night. I try to make my 
 prairie burn regularly — and not d i s a p * 
 
 point the public but it is not as high 
 
 principled as I am. 
 
 A A A A A A 
 
 Brigham Young at home. 
 
 The last picture I have to show you represents Mr. Brigham 
 
ARTEMUS WARD'S LECTURE. 297 
 
 Young in the bosom of his family. His family is large — and 
 the olive branches around his table are in a very tangled con- 
 dition. He is more a father than any man I 
 
 know. When at home as you here see him h e 
 
 ought to be very happy with sixty wives 
 \* ninister to his comforts — and twice 
 Jixty children to soothe his distracted 
 D;ind. Ah! my friends what is home without 
 
 b family? 
 
 What will become of Mormonism ? We all know and ad- 
 mit it to be a hideous wrong a great immoral stain upon 
 
 the 'scutcheon of the United States. My belief is that its 
 existence is dependent upon the life of Brigham Young. His 
 
 administrative ability holds the system together his power 
 
 of will maintains it as the faith of a community. When he 
 dies — Mormonism will die too. The men who are around 
 him have neither his talent nor his energy. By means of his 
 strength it is held together. When he falls — Mormonism will 
 also fall to pieces. 
 
 That lion — you perceive — has a tail. It is a long one 
 already, Like mine — it is to be continued in our next. 
 
E&gs, 
 
 The curtain fed for the last time on Wednesday, the 23d of January 
 1867. Artemus Ward had to break off the lecture abruptly. Re never 
 lectured again. 
 
PROGRAMME USED AT 
 
 EGYPTIAN HALL, 
 
 PICCADILLY. 
 
 Every Night {except Saturday) at 8. 
 SATURDAY MORNINGS at 3. 
 
 KTEMUS |AED 
 
 AMONG THE MORMONS. 
 
 Jhmng the Vacation the Had has been carefully Swept out, and a new 
 Door-Knob has been added to the Door. 
 
 Mr. Artemtts Ward will call on the Citizens of London, at their 
 
 residences, and explain any jokes in his narrative which 
 
 they may not understand. 
 
 A person of long-established integrity will take excellent care of 
 Bonnets, Cloaks, etc., during the Entertainment; the Audience better 
 leave their money, however, with Mr. Ward ; he will return it to them 
 in a day or two, or invest it for them in America as they may think 
 best. 
 
C3f~ Nobody must say that he likes the Lecture unless he wishes to 
 be thought eccentric ; and nobody must say that he doesn't like it un- 
 less he really is eccentric. (This requires thinking over, but it "will 
 amply repay perusal ) 
 
 The Panorama used to Illustrate Mr. Ward's Narrative is rather iwrst 
 than Panoramas usually are. 
 
 Mr. Ward will not be responsible for any debts of his own con- 
 tracting. 
 
 PROGRAMME 
 
 i. 
 APPEARANCE OF ARTEMUS WARD, 
 
 Who will be greeted with applause. 2£fp^ The Stall-keeper is 
 particularly requested to attend to this, ^jfgfl When quiet 
 has been restored, the Lecturer will present a rather frisky pro- 
 logue, of about ten minutes in length, and of nearly the same 
 width. It perhaps isn't necessary to speak of the depth. 
 
 H. 
 
 THE PICTURES COMMENCE HERE, the first one 
 being a view of the California Steamship. Large crowd of citi- 
 zens on the wharf, who appear to be entirely willing that Ar- 
 teritis Ward shall go. " Bless you, Sir ! " they say. " Don't 
 hurry about coming back. Stay away for years, if you want 
 to ! " It was very touching. Disgraceful treatment of the 
 passengers, who are obliged to go forward to smoke pipes, 
 vvdrile the steamer herself is allowed 2 Smoke Pipes amidships 
 At Panama. A glance at Mexico. 
 
in. 
 THE LAND OF GOLD. 
 
 Montgomery Street; San Francisco. The Gold Bricks. 
 Street Scenes. " The Orphan Cabman, or the Mule Driver's 
 Step-Father." The Chinese Theatre. Sixteen square yards of 
 a Chinese Comic Song. 
 
 rv. 
 
 THE LAND OF SILVER. 
 
 Virginia City, the wild young metropolis of the new Silver 
 State. Fortunes are made there in a day. There are instances 
 on record of young men going to this place without a shilling 
 — poor and friendless — yet by energy, intelligence, and a care- 
 ful disregard to business, they have been enabled to leave there, 
 owing hundreds of pounds. 
 
 v. 
 THE GREAT DESERT AT NIGHT. 
 
 A dreary waste of Sand. The Sand isn't worth saving, how- 
 ever. Indians occupy yonder mountains. Little Injuns seen 
 in the distance trundling their war-hoops. 
 
 VI. 
 
 A BIRD'S-EYE VIEW OF GREAT SALT LAKE CITY. 
 
 With some entirely descriptive talk. 
 
 VII. 
 
 MAIN STREET, EAST SIDE. 
 
 The Salt Lake Hotel, which is conducted on Temperance 
 principles. The landlord sells nothing stronger than salt butter. 
 
 vni. 
 THE MORMON THEATRE. 
 
 The Lady of Lyons was produced here a short time since, but 
 failed to satisfy a Mormon audience, on account of there being 
 only one Pauline in it. The play was revised at once. It was 
 presented the next night, with fifteen Paulines in the cast, and 
 was a perfect success. $d^T° All these statements may be re- 
 garded as strictly true. Mr. Ward would not deceive an 
 infant. 
 
MAIN STREET, WEST SIDE. 
 
 This being a view of Main Street, "West side, it is naturally 
 » view of the West side of Main Street. 
 
 x. 
 
 BRIGHAM YOUNG'S HAREM. 
 
 Mr. Young is an indulgent father, and a numerous husband. 
 For further particulars call on Mr. Waed, at Egyptian Hall, 
 any Evening this Week. This paragraph is intended to blend 
 business with amusement. 
 
 XI. 
 
 HEBER C. KIMBALL'S HAREM. 
 
 We have only to repeat here the pleasant remarks above in 
 regard to Brigham. 
 
 INTERMISSION OF FIVE MINUTES. 
 
 TTT , 
 
 THE TABERNACLE. 
 
 XIII. 
 
 THE TEMPLE AS IT IS. 
 
 xrv. 
 THE TEMPLE AS IT IS TO BE. 
 
 xv. 
 THE GREAT SALT LAKE. 
 
XVI. 
 
 THE ENDOWMENT HOUSE. 
 
 The Mormon is initiated into the mysteries of his faith here. 
 The Mormon's religion is singular and his wives are plural. 
 
 xvu. 
 ECHO CANYON. 
 
 xvin. 
 
 THE DESEKT, AGAIN. 
 
 A more cheerful view. The Plains of Colorado. The 
 Colorado Mountains te might have been seen " in the distance, if 
 the Artist had painted 'em. But he is prejudiced against 
 mountains, because his uncle once got lost on one. 
 
 xrx. 
 
 Brigham Young and his wives. The pretty girls of Utah 
 mostly marry Young. 
 
 xx. 
 
 THE KOCKY MOUNTAINS. 
 
 XXI. 
 
 THE PLAINS OF NEBRASKA, 
 
 XXII, 
 
 THE PRAIRIE ON FIRE. 
 
RECOMMENDATIONS. 
 
 TOTNES, Oct. 20th, 1866. 
 
 Mr. Artemus Wabd : 
 
 My dear Sir, — My wife was dangerously unwell for over sixteen years 
 She was so weak that she could not lift a teaspoon to her mouth. But 
 in a fortunate moment she commenced reading 1 one of your lectures. 
 She got better at once. She gained strength so rapidly that she lifted 
 the cottage piano quite a distance from the floor, and then tipped it 
 over on to her mother-in-law, with whom she had had some little trouble. 
 We like your lectures very much. Please send me a barrel of them. 
 If you should require any more recommendations, you can get any 
 number of them in this place, at two shillings each, the price I charge 
 for this one, and I trust you may be ever happy. 
 
 I am, Sir, 
 Yours truly, and so is my wife, 
 
 R. SPRINGERS. 
 
 An American correspondent of a distinguished journal in 
 Yorkshire thus speaks of Mr. Ward's power as an Orator : — 
 
 " It was a grand scene, Mr. Aktemus Ward standing on the plat- 
 form, talking ; many of the audience sleeping tranquilly in their seats ; 
 others leaving the room and not returning ; others crying like a child 
 at some of the jokes — all, all formed a most impressive scene, and 
 showed the powers of this remarkable orator. And when he announced 
 that he should never lecture in that town again, the applause was 
 absolutely deafening." 
 
 Doors open at Half-past Seven, commence at Eight. 
 Conclude at Half-past Nine. 
 
 EVEKY EVENING EXCEPT SATUEDAY. 
 
 SATURDAY AFTERNOONS at 3 p. m. 
 
ARTEMUS WARD, 
 
 Pis j)r0grammje, 
 
 PPPVPFTJ* Pfrh 8o6 PftpWYM* WW TPW* 
 
 OPEN EVERY EVENING. 
 
 1. — Introductory. 
 
 2. — The Steamer Ariel, en route. 
 
 3. — San Francisco. 
 
 4. — The Washoe Silver Region. 
 5.— The Plains. 
 
 6. — The City of Saints. 
 
 7. — A Mormon Hotel. 
 
 8. — Brigham Young's Theatre. 
 
 9. — The Council-House. 
 
 10. — The Home of Brigham Young. 
 11. — Heber C. Kimball's Seraglio. 
 
 12. — The Mormon House of Worship. 
 
 13. — Foundations of the New Temple. 
 
 1 4. — Architect's View of the Temple when finished. 
 
 1 5. — The Great Dead Sea of the Desert 
 
 16. — The House of Mystery. 
 
 17. The Caiion. 
 
 18. — Mid- Air Sepulture. 
 
 19. — A Nice Family Party at Brigham Young's. 
 
It requires a large number of Arksts to produce this Entertain- 
 ment. The casual observer can form no idea of the quantity of un- 
 fettered genius that is soaring, like a healthy Eagle, round this Hall 
 in connection with this Entertainment. In fact, the following 
 gifted persons compose the 
 
 Official guwaa. 
 
 Secretary of the Exterior Mr. E. P. Kingston, 
 
 Secretary of the Treasury . . Herr Max Field, 
 
 (Pupil of Signor Thomaso Jacksoni.) 
 
 Mechanical Director and Professor of Carpentry Signor G. Wilsoni. 
 
 CranMst Mons. Aleck. 
 
 Assistant CranMst Boy (orphan). 
 
 Artists Messrs. Hilliard & Maeder. 
 
 Reserved Chairists Messrs. Persee & Jerome. 
 
 Moppist ..- Signorina O'Flaherty. 
 
 Broomist Mile. Topsia de St. Moke. 
 
 Hired Man John. 
 
 Fighting Editor Chevalier McArone. 
 
 Dutchman By a Polish Refugee, named McFiwnigin. 
 
 Doortendist Mons. Jacques Ridera. 
 
 Gas Man Artemus Ward. 
 
 This Entertainment will open with music. The Soldiers' Chorus 
 from " Faust." BgT First time in this city. 
 
 Next comes a jocund and discursive preamble, calculated to 
 show what a good education the Lecturer has. 
 
 View the first is a sea-view. — Ariel navigation. — Normal school 
 of whales in the distance. — Isthmus of Panama. — Interesting in- 
 terview with Old Panama himself, who makes all the hats. Old 
 Pan. is a likely sort of man. 
 
San Francisco. — City with a vigilant government. — Miners al- 
 lowed to vote. Old inhabitants so rich that they have legs with 
 golden calves to them. 
 
 Town in the Silver region. — Good quarters to be found there. — 
 Playful population, fond of high-low-jack and homicide. — Silver 
 tying around loose. — Thefts of it termed silver-guilt. 
 
 * 
 
 The plains in Winter. — A wild Moor, like Othello. — Mountains 
 in the distance forty thousand miles above the level of the highest 
 sea (Musiani's chest C included). — If you don't believe this you can 
 go there and measure them for yourself. 
 
 Mormondom, sometimes called the City of the Plain, but wrongly ; 
 the women are quite pretty. — View of Old Poly Gamy's house, 
 &C 
 
 The Salt Lake Hotel. — Stage just come in from its «verland 
 route and retreat from the Indians. — Temperance house. — No bar 
 nearer than Salt Lake sand-bars. — Miners in shirts like Artemus 
 Ward his Programme — they are read and will wash. 
 
 Mormon Theatre, where Artemus Ward lectured. — Mormons like 
 theatricals, and had rather go to the Play-house than tr the Work- 
 house, any time. — Private boxes reserved for the ears cf Brothel 
 Brigham's wives. 
 
Jntermwsiott of gibe ggfiraxtM. 
 
 Territorial State-House. — Seat of the Legislature. — About as 
 fair a collection as that at Albany — and " we can't say no fairer 
 than that." 
 
 Residence of Brigham Young and his wives. — Two hundred 
 souls with but a single thought, Two hundred hearts that beat as 
 one. 
 
 Seraglio of Heber C. Kimball. — Home of the Queens of Heber. 
 — No relatives of the Queen of Sheba. — They are a nice gang of 
 darlings. 
 
 Mormon Tabernacle, where the men espouse Mormonism and the 
 women espouse Brother Brigham and his Elders as spiritual Physi- 
 cians, convicted of bad doct'rin. 
 
 Foundations of the Temple. — Beginning of a healthy little job. 
 — Temple to enclose all out-doors, and be paved with gold at a 
 premium. 
 
 The Temple when finished. — Mormon idea of a meeting-house. 
 
 — N.B. It will be bigger, probably, than Dodworth Hall. —One 
 of the figures in the foreground is intended for Heber C. KimbaD 
 
 — You can see, bj the expression of his back, that he is thinking 
 what a great man Joseph Smith was. 
 
The Great Salt Lake. — Water actually thick with salt — toe saline 
 to sail in. — Mariners rocked on the bosom of this deep with rock 
 salt. — The water isn't very good to drink. 
 
 House where Mormons are initiated. — Very secret and mysteri- 
 ous ceremonies. — Anybody can easily find out all about them 
 though by going out there and becoming a Mormon. 
 
 Echo Canon. — A rough bluff sort of affair. — Great Echo. — 
 When Artemus Ward went through, he heard the echoes of some 
 things the Indians said there about four years and a half ago. 
 
 The Plains again, with some noble savages, both in the live and 
 dead state. — The dead one on the high shelf was killed in a Fra- 
 tricidal Struggle. — They are always having Fratricidal Struggles 
 out in that line of country. — It would be a good place for an en- 
 terprising Coroner to locate. 
 
 Brigham Young surrounded by his wives — These ladies are sim- 
 ply too numerous to mention. 
 
 Those of the Audience who do not feel offended with Arte- 
 mus Ward are cordially invited to call upon him, often, at his fine 
 now house in Brooklyn. His house is on the right hand side as 
 you cross the Ferry, and may be easily distinguished from the other 
 bouses by its having a Cupola and a Mortgage on it. 
 
 * 
 * * 
 
 dp Soldiers on the battle-field will be admitted to this Enter- 
 tainment gratis. 
 
The Indians on the Overland Route live on Route and 
 Herbs. They are an intemperate people. They drink with impu- 
 nity, or anybody who invites them. 
 
 Artemus Ward delivered Lectures before 
 
 ALL THE CROWNED HEADS OF EUROPE 
 
 ever thought of delivering lectures. 
 
 TICKETS 50 CTS. RESERVED CHACRS $1. 
 Doors open at 7.30 P.M. ; Entertainment to commence at 8. 
 
MISCELLANEOUS. 
 
Lo ! The poor Indian and a "pretty waiter girl " at a concert 
 saloon. 
 
 See Page 144. 
 
CRUISE OF THE POLLY ANN 315 
 
 I. 
 
 CRUISE OF THE POLLY ANN. 
 
 Ik overhaulin one of my old tirmks the tother day, I found the 
 follerin jernal of a vyge on the starnch canawl bote, Polly Ann, 
 which happened to the subscriber when I was a young man (in 
 the Brite Lexington of yooth, when thar aint no sich word as 
 fale) on the Wabash Canawl : 
 
 Monday, 2 P.M. — Got under wa. Hosses not remarkable 
 frisky at fust. Had to bild fires under 'em before they 'd start. 
 Started at larst very suddent, causin the bote for to lurch vi- 
 lently and knockin me orf from my pins. (Sailor frase.) Sev- 
 ral passenjers on bored. Parst threw deliteful country. Hon- 
 ist farmers was to work sowin korn, and other projuce in the 
 fields. Surblime scenery. Large red-heded gal reclinin on the 
 banks of the Canawl, bathin her feet. 
 
 Turned in at 15 minits parst eleving. 
 
 Toosdy. — Riz at 5 and went up on the poop deck. Took a 
 grown person's dose of licker with a member of the Injianny 
 legislater, which he urbanely insisted on allowin me to pay for. 
 Bote tearin threu the briny waters at the rate of 2 Nots a hour, 
 when the boy on the leadin hoss shoutid — 
 
 " Sale hoe ! " 
 
 " Whar away ? " hollered the capting, clearin his glass (a 
 empty black bottle, with the bottom knockt out) and bringing 
 it to his Eagle eye. 
 
 i( Bout four rods to the starbud," screamed the boy. 
 
 " Jes so," screeched the capting. " What wessel 's that air ? " 
 
 " Kickin Warier of Terry Hawt, and be darned to you ! " 
 
 " I, I, Sir ! " hollered our capting. " Reef your arffc hoss, 
 splice your main jib-boom, and hail your chambermaid ! What 'a 
 up in Terry Hawt ? " 
 
 " You know Bill Spikes ? " sed the capting of the Warier. 
 14 
 
314 CRUISE OF THE POLLY ANN. 
 
 (l Wall, I reckin. He can eat more fride pork nor any man 
 of Ms heft on the Wabash. He 's a ornament to his sex ! " 
 
 il Wall," continued the capting of the Kickin Warier. 
 « Wilyim got a little owly the tother day, and got to prancin 
 around town on that old white mare of his'n, and bein in a 
 playful mood, he rid up in front of the Court 'us whar old 
 Judge Perkins was a holdin Court ,and let drive his rifle at him. 
 The bullet didn't hit the Judge at all ; it only jes whizzed parst 
 his left ear, lodgin in the wall behind him ; but what d'ye 
 spose the old despot did ? Why, he actooally fined Bill ten 
 dollars for contempt of Court ! What do you think of that ? " 
 axed the capting of the Warier, as he parst a long black bottle 
 over to our capting. 
 
 " The country is indeed in danger ! " sed our capting, raisin 
 the bottle to his lips. The wessels parted. No other inci- 
 dents that day. Retired to my chased couch at 5 minits 
 parst 10. 
 
 Wensdy. — Biz arly. Wind blowin N.W.E. Hevy sea on, 
 and ship rollin wildly in consekents of pepper-corns havin bin 
 fastened to the forrerd hoss's tale. u Heave two ! " roared the 
 capting to the man at the rudder, as the Polly giv a friteful 
 toss. I was sick, an sorry I 'd cum. " Heave two ! " repeated 
 the capting. I went below. " Heave two ! " I hearn him hol- 
 ler agin, and stickin my hed out of the cabin winder, Ihev. 
 
 The hosses became dosile eventually, and I felt better. The 
 sun bust out in all his splender, disregardless of expense, and 
 lovely Natur put in her best licks. We parst the beautiful vil- 
 lage of Limy, which lookt sweet indeed, with its neat white 
 cottages, Institoots of learnin and other evijences of civilliza- 
 shun, incloodin a party of bald heded cullered men who was 
 playing 3 card monty on the stoop of the Hed Eagle tavern. 
 All, all was food for my 2 poetic sole. I went below to break- 
 fast, but vittles had lost their charms. " Take sum of this," 
 sed the Capting, shovin a bottle tords my plate. " It 's whisky. 
 A few quarts allers sets me right when my stummick gits out 
 
BETSY-JAIN RE-OROUNIZBD. 31ft 
 
 of order. It 's a excellent tonic ! " I declined the seductive 
 flooid. 
 
 Thursdy. — Didr't rest well last night on account of a uprore 
 made by the capting, who stopt the Bote to go ashore and smash 
 in the windows of a grosery. He was brought back in about a 
 hour, with his hed dun up in a red hankercher, his eyes bein 
 swelled up orful, and his nose very much out of jint. Ht was 
 bro't aboard on a shutter by his crue, and deposited on Mio 
 cabin floor, the passenjers all risin up in their births, pushin 
 the red curtains aside & lookin out to see what the matter was. 
 " "Why do you allow your pashuns to run away with you in this 
 onseemly stile, my misgided frend ? " sed a solium lookin man 
 in a red flannel nite-cap. " Why do you sink yourself to the 
 Beasts of the field ? " 
 
 " Wall, the fack is," sed the capting, risin hisself on the shut- 
 ter, "I 've bin a little prejoodiced agin that grosery for some* 
 time. But I made it lively for the boys, Deacon ! Bet yei 
 life ! " He larfed a short, wild larf, and called for his jug. 
 Sippin a few pints, he smiled gently upon the passenjers, sed 
 et Bless you ! bless you ! " and fell into a sweet sleep. 
 
 Eventually we reached our jerny's end. This was in the days 
 of Old Long Sign, be4 the iron hoss was foaled. This was be4 
 steembotes was goin round bustin their bilers & sendin peple 
 higher nor a kite. Them was happy days, when peple was in- 
 telligent & wag Agger's & livin wild beests wasn't scoffed at. 
 
 " O dase of me boyhood 
 I 'm dreamin on ye now ! " 
 (Poeckry.) A. W. 
 
 II. 
 
 BETSY-JAIN RE-ORGUNIZED. 
 
 I never attempted to re-Orgunize my wife but onct. I shaD 
 never attempt agin. 
 
316 ARTEMUS WARD'S AUTOBIOGRAPHY. 
 
 I 'd bin to a public dinner, and had allowed myself to be 
 belrayed inter drinkin several peple's healths ; and wishin to 
 maik 'em as Ro-Bust as posserble, I continner'd drinkin thur 
 healths until mi Own becum afflicktid. Consekens was, I pre- 
 sunted myself at Betty's bedside late at nite, with considerbul 
 licker koncealed about my persun. 
 
 I hed somehow got perseschun of a hosswhip on my way hum, 
 and rememberin some kranky observashuns of Mrs Ward's in 
 the mornin, I snapt the whip putty lively, and in a very loud 
 voyce I said, " Betsy, you need re-Orgunizin ! I have cum, 
 Betsy," I continnered, crackin the whip over the bed — " I have 
 cum to re-Orgunize yer ! Ha-ave you per-ayed to-night ? " 
 
 I dreamed that nite that sumbody had layd a hosswhip over 
 me sevril conseckootive times, and when I woke up I found she 
 had. 
 
 I haint drunk mich of anythin sence, and ef I ever hava 
 anufcher re-Orgunizin job on hand I shall let it out. 
 
 III. 
 
 ARTEMUS WARD'S AUTOBIOGRAPHY. 
 
 New York, near Fifth Avenoo Hotel, 
 Org. 31c*. 
 Editor of Play Bill. 
 
 Dr Sir, — Yrs, into which you ask me to send you sum 
 teadin incidents in my life so you can write my Bogfry for the 
 papers, cum dooly to hand. I hav no doubt that a article onto 
 my life, grammattycally jerked and properly punktooated, would 
 be a addition to the chois literatoor of the day. 
 
 To the yooth of Ameriky it would be vallyble as showin how 
 
ARTEMU8 WARD'S AUTOBIOGRAPHY. 317 
 
 high a pinnykle of fame a man can reach who commenst his 
 career with a small canvas tent and a pea-green ox, which he 
 rubbed it off while scratchin hisself agin the center pole, causin 
 in Rahw.iy, K J., a discriminate mob to say humbugs would 
 uot go down in their village. The ox resoom'd agricultooral 
 pursoots shortly afterwards. 
 
 I next tried my hand at givin Blind-man concerts, appearin 
 as the poor blind man myself. But the infamus cuss who I 
 hired to lead me round towns in the day time to excite simpa- 
 thy drank freely of spiritoous licker unbeknowns to me one day, 
 & while under their inflooance he led me into the canal. I had 
 to either tear the green bandige from my eyes or be drownded. 
 I tho't I 'd restore my eyesight. 
 
 In writin about these things, Mr Editer, kinder smooth 'em 
 over. Speak of 'em as eccentrissities of gen'us. 
 
 My next ventur would hav bin a success if I hadn't tried to 
 do too much. I got up a series of wax figgers, and among 
 others one of Socrates. I tho't a wax figger of old Sock, would 
 be poplar with eddycated peple, but unfortinitly I put a Brown 
 linen duster and a U.S. Army regulation cap on him, which 
 peple with classycal eddycations said it was a farce. This en^ 
 terprise was onfortnit in other respecks. At a certin town I 
 advertised a wax figger of the Hon ble Amos Perkins, who waa 
 a Railroad President, and a great person in them parts. But 
 it appeared I had shown the same figger for a Pirut named 
 Gibbs in that town the previs season, which created a intense 
 toomult, & the audience remarked " shame onto me," & other 
 statements of the same similarness. I tried to mollify 'em. I 
 told 'em that any family possessin children might have my she 
 tiger to play with half a day, & I wouldn't charge 'em a cent, 
 but alars ! it was of no avail. I was forced to leave, & I infer 
 from a article in the Advertiser of that town, in which the 
 Editer says, •' Atho' time has silvered this man's hed with ita 
 frosts, he still brazenly wallows in infamy. Still are his snakes 
 ituffed, and his wax works unreliable. We are glad that he 
 
318 ARTEMUS WARDS AUTOBIOGRAPHY. 
 
 has concluded never to revisit our town, altho', incredible as it 
 may appear, the fellow really did contemplate so doing last sum- 
 mer, when, still true to the craven instincts of his black heart, 
 he wrote the hireling knaves of the obscure journal across the 
 street to know what they would charge for 400 small bills, to 
 be done on yellow paper ! We shall recur to this mattex 
 again ! " 
 
 I say, I infer from this article that a prejudiss stil exists 
 agin me in that town. 
 
 I will not speak of my once bein in straitend circumstances 
 in a sertin town, and of my endeaverin to accoomulate welth by 
 lettin myself to Sabbath School picnics to sing ballads adapted 
 to the understandins of little children, accompanyin myself on a 
 claironett — which I forgot where I was one day, singin, instid 
 of " Oh, how pleasant to be a little child," 
 
 " Bip slap — set era up again, 
 Eight in the middle of a three-cent pie," 
 
 which mistake, added to the fact that I couldn't play onto the 
 claironett except making it howl dismal, broke up the picnic, 
 ind children said, in voices choked with sobs and emotions, 
 where was their home and where was their Pa ? and I said, 
 Be quiet, dear children, I am your Pa, which made a young 
 woman with two twins by her side say very angryly, " Good 
 heavens forbid you should ever be the Pa of any of these inno- 
 cent ones, unless it is much desirable for them to expire igmin- 
 yusly upon to a murderer's gallus ! " 
 
 I say I will not speak of this. Let it be Berrid into Obliv- 
 yun. 
 
 In your article, Mr Editer, pioase tell him what sort of a man 
 I am. 
 
 If you see fit to kriticise my Show , speak your mind freely. 
 I do not object to kriticism. Tell the public, in a candid and 
 graceful article, that my Show abounds in moral and startlin 
 
ARTEMUS WARD'S AUTOBIOGRAPHY. 31 g 
 
 cooriosities, any one of whom is wuth dubble the price of ad- 
 mission. 
 
 I liav thus far spoke of myself excloosivly as a exhibiter. 
 
 I was born in the State of Maine of parents. As a infant I 
 attracted a great deal of attention. The nabers would stand 
 over my cradle for hours and say, " How bright that little face 
 looks ! How much it nose ! " The young ladies would carr} 
 me round in their arms, sayin I was muzzer's bezzy darlin and 
 a sweety 'eety 'ittle ting. It was nice, tho' I wasn't old enuff 
 to properly appreciate it. I'm a healthy old darlin now. 
 
 I have allers sustained a good moral character. I was never 
 % Railroad director in my life. 
 
 Altho' in early life I did not inva'bly confine myself to truth 
 in my small bills, I have been gradooally growin respectabler 
 and respectabler ev'ry year. 1 luv my children, and never 
 mistake another man's wife for my own. I'm not a member of 
 any meetin house, but firmly bel'eve in meetin houses, and 
 shouldn't feel safe to take a dose of laudnum and lay down in 
 the street of a village that hadn't any, with a thousand dollars 
 in my vest pockets. 
 
 My temperament is billious, altho' I don't owe a dollar in the 
 world. 
 
 I am a early riser, but my wife is a Presbyterian. I may 
 add that I am also bald-heded. I keep two cows. 
 
 I liv in Baldinsville, Indiany. My next door naber is Old 
 Steve Billins. I'll tell you a little story about Old Steve that 
 will make you larf. He jined the Church last spring, and the 
 minister said, " You must go home now, Brother Billins, and 
 erect a family altar in your own house," whereupon the egrejis 
 old ass went home and built a reg'lar pulpit in his set tin room. 
 He had the jiners in his house over four days. 
 
 I am 56 (56) years of age. Time, with its relentless scythe, 
 is ever busy. The Old Sexton gathers them in, he gathers 
 them in ! I keep a pig this year. 
 
 I don' b think of anything more, Mr Ed'ter. 
 
320 THE SERENADE. 
 
 If you should giv my portrait in connection with my J3ogfrv, 
 please have me ingraved in a languishin attitood, leanin on a 
 marble pillar, leavin my back hair as it is now. — Trooly yours, 
 
 Aktemus Ward. 
 
 IY. 
 
 THE SERENADE. 
 
 Things in our town is workin. The canal boat I*ucy Ann 
 called in here the other day and reported all quiet on the 
 "Wabash. The Lucy Ann has adopted a new style of Binnakle 
 light, in the shape of a red-headed girl, who sits up over the 
 compass. It works well. 
 
 The artist I spoke about in my larst has returned to Phila- 
 delphy. Before he left I took his lily-white hand in mine. I 
 suggested to him that if he could induce the citizens of Phila- 
 delphy to believe it would be a good idea to have white winder- 
 shutters on their houses and white door-stones, he might make 
 a fortin. " It 's a novelty," I added, " and may startle 'em at 
 fust, but they may conclood to adopt it." 
 
 As several of our public men are constantly being surprised 
 with serenades, I concluded I 'd be surprised in the same way, 
 so I made arrangements accordin. I asked the Brass Band how 
 much they 'd take to take me entirely by surprise with a sere- 
 nade. They said they 'd overwhelm me with a unexpected 
 honour for seven dollars, which I excepted. 
 
 I wrote out my impromptoo speech severil days beforehand 
 bein very careful to expunge all ingramatticisms and payin par 
 ticler attention to the punktooation. It was, if I may say it 
 without egitism, a manly effort ; but, alars ! I never delivered 
 it, as the sekel will show you. I paced up and down the 
 kitchin speakin my piece over so as to be entirely perfeck. My 
 bloomin young daughter, Sarah Ann, bothered me Eummut by 
 Bingin, " Why do summer roses fade ? " 
 
THE SERENADE. 321 
 
 u Because," said T, arter hearin her sing it about fourteen 
 times, " because it 's their biz ! Let 'em fade ! " 
 
 " Betsy," said I, pausin in the middle of the room and letting 
 my eagle eye wander from the manuscrip — " Betsy, on the night 
 of this here serenade, I desires you to appear at the winder 
 dressed in white, and wave a lily-white hankercher. D *yt» 
 
 Hear 
 
 9' 
 
 " If 1 appear," said that remarkable female, " I shall wave a 
 lily-white bucket of bilin hot water, and somebody will be 
 scalded. One bald-headed old fool will get his share." 
 
 She refer'd to her husband. No doubt about it in my mind. 
 But for fear she might exasperate me I said nothin. 
 
 The expected night cum. At nine o'clock precisely there was 
 sounds of footsteps in the yard, and the Band struck up a lively 
 air, which when they did finish it, there was cries of " Ward ! 
 Ward ! " I stept out onto the portico. A brief glance showed 
 me that the assemblage was summut mixed. There was a great 
 many ragged boys, and there was quite a number of grown-up 
 persons evigently under the affluence of the intoxicatin bole. 
 The Band was also drunk. Dr Schwazey, who was holdin up a 
 post, seemed to be partic'ly drunk — so much so that it had got 
 into his spectacles, which were staggerin wildly over his nose. 
 But I was in for it, and I commenced : — 
 
 " Feller Citizens, — For this onexpected honor " 
 
 Leader of the Sand. — Will you give us our money now, 01 
 wait till you git through ? " 
 
 To this painful and disgustin interruption I paid no atten- 
 tion. 
 
 " for this onexpected honor, I thank you." 
 
 Leader of the Sand. — But you said you 'd give us seven dol 
 lars if we 'd play two choons. 
 
 Again I didn't notice him, but resumed as follows : — 
 
 " I say, I thank you warmly. When I look at this crowd of 
 true Americans, my heart swells " 
 
 Dr $ehioazey. — So do 1 1 
 14* 
 
322 O'BOURCY'S " ARRAH-NA-POGUE" 
 
 A voice. — "We all do ! 
 
 " my heart swells " 
 
 A voice. — Three cheers for the swells. 
 
 " We live," said I, " in troublous times, but I hope we shall 
 again resume our former proud position, and go on in our glo- 
 rious career ! " 
 
 Dr Schwazey. — I 'm willin for one to go on in a glorious 
 career ! Will you join me, fellow citizens, in a glorious career? 
 What wages does a man git for a glorious career, when he finds 
 himself ? 
 
 " Dr Schwazey," said I, sternly, " you are drunk. You 're 
 disturbin the meetin." 
 
 Dr S. — Have you a banquet spread in the house ? I should 
 like a rhynossyross on the half shell, or a hippopotamus on 
 toast, or a horse and wagon roasted whole. Anything that 's 
 handy. Don't put yourself out on my account. 
 
 At this point the Band begun to make hidyous noises with 
 their brass horns, and an exceedingly ragged hoy wanted to 
 know if there wasn't to be some wittles afore the concern broke 
 up ? I didn't exactly know what to do, and was just on the 
 pint of doin it, when a upper winder suddenly opened and a 
 stream of hot water was bro't to bear on the disorderly crowd, 
 who took the hint and retired at once. 
 
 When I am taken by surprise with another serenade, I shall, 
 among other arrangements, have a respectful company on hand. 
 So no more from me to-day. When this you see, remember 
 me. 
 
 V. 
 
 O'BOURCY'S " ARRAH-NA-POGXJE." 
 
 You axe me, sir, to sling sum ink for your paper in regards to 
 H* new Irish dramy at Niblo's Garding. I will do it s sir. 
 
(TBOURCrS N ARRAH-NA-POGUE" 323 
 
 I knew your grandfather well, sir. Sum 16 years ago, while 
 I was amoosin and instructin the intellectooal peple of Cape 
 Cod with my justly pop'lar Show, I saw your grandfather. 
 He was then between 96 years of age, but his mind was very 
 clear. He told me I looked like George Washington. He 
 sed I had a massiv intellect. Your grandfather was a highly- 
 intelligent man, and I made up my mind then that if I could 
 ever help his family in any way, I 'd do so. Your grandfather 
 gave me sum clams and a Testament. He charged me for 
 the clams, but threw in the Testament. He was a very fine 
 man. 
 
 1 therefore rite for you, which insures your respectability at 
 once. It gives you a moral tone at the word go. 
 
 I found myself the other night at Niblo's Garding, which is 
 now, by the way, Wheatley's Garding. (I don't know what 's 
 becum of Nib.) I couldn't see much of a garding, however, 
 and it struck me if Mr Wheatley depended on it as regards 
 raisin things, he 'd run short of gardin sass. [N.B. — These 
 remarks is yoomerous. The older I gro, the more I want to 
 goak.] 
 
 I walked down the ile in my usual dignified stile, politely 
 tellin the people as I parsed along to keep their seats. " Don't 
 git up for me," I sed. One of the prettiest young men I ever 
 saw in my life showed me into a seat, and I proceeded to while 
 away the spare time by reading Thompson's Bank Note Re- 
 porter and the comic papers. 
 
 The ordinance was large. 
 
 I tho't, from a cursiry view, that the Finnigan Brotherhood 
 was well represented. 
 
 There was no end of bootiful wimin, and a heap of good 
 clothes. There was a good deal of hair present that belonged! 
 on the heds of peple who didn't cum with it — but this is a 
 ticklish subjeck for me. I larfed at my wife's waterfall, which 
 indoosed that superior woman to take it off and heave it at me 
 rather vilently; and a& there was about a half bushil of it, it 
 
S24 O'BOURCT'8 " ARRAH-NA-POGUE." 
 
 knockt me over, and giv me pains in my body which I ham' . 
 got over yit. 
 
 The orkistry struck up a toon, & I asked the Usher to nudge 
 me when Mr Pogue cum on the stage to act. 
 
 I wanted to see Pogue ; but, strange to say, he didn' t act 
 durin the entire evenin. I reckin he has left Niblo's, and gon* 
 ver to Barn urn's. 
 
 Very industrious peple are the actors at Barnum's. They 
 play all day, and in the evenin likewise. I meet 'm every 
 mornin, at five o'clock, going to their work with their tin din- 
 ner-pails. It 's a sublime site. Many of 'em sleep on the 
 premises. 
 
 Arrah-na- Pogue was writ by Dion O'Bourcicolt & Edward. 
 McHouse. They rit it well. O'Bourcy has rit a cartload of 
 plays himself, the most of which is fust-rate. 
 
 I understand there is a large number of O'gen'lmen of this 
 city who can rite better plays than O'Bourcy does, but some 
 how they don't seem to do it. When they do, I '11 take a Box 
 of them. 
 
 As I remarked to the Boy who squirted peppersass through a 
 tin dinner-horn at my trained Bear (which it caused that fero- 
 shus animal to kick up his legs and howl dismal, which fond 
 mothers fell into swoons and children cride to go home because 
 fearin the Bear would leave his jungle and tear them from limb 
 to limb), and then excoosed himself (this Boy did) by sayin he 
 had done so while labourin under a attack of Moral Insanity— 
 as I sed to that thrifty youth, " I alius incurridge geenyus, 
 whenever I see it." 
 
 It 's the same with Dan Bryant. I am informed there are 
 better Irish actors than he is, but somhow I 'm alius out of 
 town when they act. & so is other folks, which is what 's th« 
 matter. 
 
 Ack the 1. — Glendalo by moonlite. 
 
 Irishmen with clubs. 
 
 This is in 1798, the year of your birth, Mr Editor. 
 
(yBOUHGY'8 "AKRAH-NA POGUE." 325 
 
 Ifc appears a patriotic person named McCool has bin raisin a 
 insurrection in the mountain districks, and is now goin to leave 
 the land of his nativity for a tower in France. Previsly to doin 
 so he picks the pockit of Mr Michael Feeny, a gov'ment detec- 
 tiv, which pleases the gallery very much indeed, and they joy- 
 fully remark, " hi, hi." 
 
 He meets also at this time a young woman who luvs him 
 dearer than life, and who is, of course, related to the gov'ment; 
 and jus as the gov'ment goes agin him she goes for him. This 
 is nat'ral, but not grateful. She sez, i( And can it be so ? Ar^ 
 tell me it is not so thusly as this thusness wouldst seem ! " or 
 words to that effeck. 
 
 He sez it isn't any other way, and they go off. 
 
 Irish moosic by the Band. 
 
 Mr McCool goes and gives the money to his foster-sister, 
 Miss Arrah Meelish, who is goin to shortly marry Shaun, the 
 Lamp Post. Mac then alters his mind about goin over to 
 France, and thinks he '11 go up-stairs and lie down in the straw. 
 This is in Arrah' s cabin. Arrah says it 's all right, me darlint, 
 och hone, and shure, and other pop'lar remarks, and Mac goea 
 to his straw. 
 
 The weddin of Shaun and Arrah comes off. 
 
 Great excitement. Immense demonstration on the part of 
 the peasantry. Barn-door jigs, and rebelyus song by McHouse, 
 called " The Drinkin of the Gin." Ha, what is this ? Soldiers 
 cum in. Moosic by the band. " Arrah," sez the Major, "you 
 have those money." She sez, " Oh no, I guess not." He sez, 
 u Oh yes, I guess you have." " It is my own," sez she, and 
 fc^hibits it. " It is mine/' says Mr Feeny, and identifies it. 
 
 Great confusion. 
 
 Coat is prodoosed from up stairs. 
 
 " Whose coat is this ? " sez the Major. " Is it the coat of a 
 young man secreted in this here cabin? " 
 
 -Now this is rough on Shaun. His wife accoosed of theft, the 
 circumstances bein very much agin her, and also accoosed of 
 
S26 CPBOURCY'S " ARRAH-NA-POGUE." 
 
 havin a hansum young man hid in her house. But loes this 
 bold young Hibernian forsake her ? Not much, he don't. But 
 he takes it all on himself, sez he is the guilty wretch, and is 
 marcht off to prison. 
 
 This is a new idee. It is gin'rally the wife who suffers, iu 
 the play, for her husband ; but here 's a noble young feller who 
 Bhuts both his eyes to the apparent sinfulness of his new young 
 wife, and takes her right square to his bosom. It was bootiful 
 to me, who love my wife, and believe in her, and would put on 
 my meetin clothes and go to the gallus for her cheerfully, ruther 
 than believe she was capable of taking anybody's money but 
 mine. My marrid friends, listen to me : If you treat your 
 wives as tho' they were perfeck gentlemen — if you show 'em 
 that you have entire confidence in them — believe me, they will 
 be troo to you most always. 
 
 I was so pleased with this conduck of Shaun that I hollered 
 out, " Good boy ! Come and see me ! " 
 
 " Silence ! " sum people sed. 
 
 " Put him out ! " said a sweet-scented young man, with all 
 his new clothes on, and in company with a splendid waterfall, 
 "put this old fellow out ! " 
 
 " My young friend," said I, in a loud voice, li whose store do 
 do you sell tape in ? I might want to buy a yard before I go 
 hum." 
 
 Shaun is tried by a Military Commission. Colonel O' Grady, 
 although a member of the Commission, shows he sympathises 
 with Shaun, and twits Feeny, the GoVment witness, with being 
 a knock-kneed thief, &c, &e. Mr Stanton's grandfather was 
 Sec'y of "War in Ireland at that time, so this was entirely 
 proper. 
 
 Shaun is convicted and goes to jail. Hears Arrah singin 
 outside. Wants to see her a good deal. A lucky thought 
 strikes him; he opens the window and gets out. Struggles 
 with ivy and things on the outside of the jail, and finally 
 reaches her just as Mr Feeny is about to dash a large wooder 
 
ARTEMUS WARD AMONG THE FENIANS. 327 
 
 stone onto his head. He throws Mr F. into the river. Pardon 
 arrives. Fond embraces. Tears of joy and kisses a la Pogue. 
 Everybody much happy. 
 
 Curtain falls. 
 
 This is a very hasty outline of a splendid play. Go and see 
 it. — Yours, till then, 
 
 A. Ward. 
 
 YI. 
 ARTEMUS WARD AMONG THE FENIANS. 
 
 To Home, April 1866 
 
 The Finians conveened in our town the other night, and took 
 steps toord freein Ireland. They met into the Town Hall, and 
 by the kind invite of my naber, Mr Mulrooney O'Shaughnessy, 
 whose ancestors at least must have Irish blood in their veins, 
 I went over. 
 
 You may not be awair, by the way, that I 've been a invalid 
 here to home for sev'rii weeks. And it 's all owin to my own 
 improodens. Not feelin like eating a full meal when the cars 
 stopt for dinner, in the South, where I lately was, I went into 
 a Resterater and et 20 hard biled eggs. I think they effected 
 my Liver. 
 
 My wife says, Po, po. She says I 've got a splendid liver 
 for a man of my time of life. I 've heard of men's livers grad- 
 ooally wastin' away till they hadn't none. It 's a dreadful 
 thing when a man's liver gives him the shake. 
 
 Two years ago comin this May, I had a 'tack of fever-'n-ager, 
 and by the advice of Miss Peasley (who continues single and 
 is corresponding unhappy in the same ratio) I consulted a 
 Spiritooul mejum — a writin' mejum. I got a letter from a cel'- 
 bratcd Injin chief, who writ me, accordin to the mejum, that 
 he 'd been ded two hundred and seventeen (217) years, and 
 
S28 ARTEMTTS WARD AMONG THE FENIANS. 
 
 liked it. He then said, let the Pale face drink sum yarb tea! 
 T drinkt it, and it really helpt me. I 've writ to this talented 
 savige this time thro' the same mejum, but as yet I hain't got 
 any answer. Perhaps he 's in a spear where they hain't got 
 any postage stamps. 
 
 But thanks to careful nussin, I 'm improvin rapid. 
 
 The Town Hall was jam-full of people, mostly Irish citizens, 
 and the enthusiasm was immense. They cheer' d everybody and 
 everything. They cheer' d me. 
 
 " Hurroo for "Ward ! Hurroo ! " 
 
 They was all good nabers of mine, and I ansered in a pleasant 
 voice, " All right, boys, all right. Mavoorneen, och hone, aroon, 
 Cooshla macree ! " 
 
 These Irish remarks bein' received with great applaus, I add- 
 ed, " Mushier ! mushier ! " 
 
 " Good ! good ! " cried Captain Spingler, who desires the 
 Irish vote for county clerk ; " that 's fus' rate." 
 
 " You see what I 'm drivin at, don't you, Cap ? " I said. 
 
 " Certainly." 
 
 " Well," I ansered, lt I 'm very glad you do, becaus I don't." 
 
 This made the Finians larf, and they said, " Walk up onto 
 the speaker's platform, sir." 
 
 The speeches was red hot agin England, and hir iron heel, 
 and it was resolved to free Ireland at onct. But it was much 
 desirable before freein her that a large quantity of funds should 
 be raised. And, like the gen'rous souls as they was, funs waa 
 lib'rally contribooted. Then arose a excitin discussion as tc 
 which head center they should send 'em to — O'Mahony or Mc- 
 Boberts. There was grate excitement over this, but it was 
 finally resolved to send half to one and half to 'tother. , 
 
 Then Mr Pinnigan rose and said, "We have here to-night 
 sum citizens of American birth, from whom we should be glad 
 to hear. It would fill our harts with speechless joy to hear 
 from a man whose name towers high in the zoological and wax 
 ugger world— from >* hose pearly lips " 
 
ABTEMUS WARD AMONG THE FENIANS. 329 
 
 Says I, " Go slow, Finny, go slow." 
 
 " We wish to hear," continued Mr Finnigan, moderatin his 
 Btile summut, " from our townsman, Mr Ward." 
 
 I beg'd to be declined, but it wan't no use. I rose amid a 
 perfeck uproar of applaus. 
 
 I said we hed convened there in a meetin, as I understood it, 
 or rather in a body, as it were, in ref 'rence to Ireland. If I 
 knew my own hart, every one of us there, both grate and small, 
 had an impulse flowin in his boosum, " and consequentially," I 
 added, we " will stick to it similar and in accordance therewith, 
 as long as a spark of manhood, or the peple at large. That 'a 
 the kind of man I be ! " 
 
 Squire Thaxter interrupted me. The Squire feels the wrongs 
 of Ireland deeply, on accounts of havin onct courted the wid- 
 der of a Irish gentleman who had lingered in a loathsum dunjin 
 in Dublin, placed there by a English tavern-keeper, who despot- 
 ically wanted him to pay for a quantity of chops and beer he 
 had consoom'd. Besides, the Squire wants to be re-elected 
 Justice of the Peace. " Mr Ward," he said, " you 've bin 
 drinkin. You 're under the infloo'nce of licker, sir ! " 
 
 Says I, " Squire, not a drop of good licker has passed my lipa 
 in fifteen years." 
 
 [Cries of " Oh, here now, that won't do."] 
 
 " It is troo," I said. " Not a drop of good licker has passed 
 my lips in all that time. I don't let it pass 'em. I reach for 
 it while it 's goin by ! " says I. (t Squire, harness me sum 
 more ! " 
 
 " I beg pardon," said the Squire, " for the remark ; you are 
 sober ; but what on airth are you drivin at ? " 
 
 " Yes ! " I said, " that 's just it. That 's what I 've bin axin 
 mjself durin the entire evenin. What is this grate meetin 
 drivin at ? What 's all the grate Finian meetins drivin at all 
 over the country ? 
 
 " My Irish frens, you know me well enuff to know that I 
 didn't come here to disturb this meetin. Nobody but a loafer 
 
330 ARTEMUS WARD AMONG TEE FENIANS. 
 
 will disturb any kind of a meetin. And if you '11 notice itj 
 them as are up to this sort of thing, allers come to a bad end. 
 There was a young man — I will not mention his name — who 
 disturb' d my show in a certain town, two years ago, by makin 
 remarks disrespectful of my animals, accompanied by a allosan 
 to the front part of my hed, which, as you see, it is Bald — 
 sayin, says this young man, ' You sandpaper it too much, but 
 you Ve got a beautiful head of hair in the back of your neck, 
 old man.' This made a few ignent and low-mindid persons 
 larf ; but what was the fate of that young man ? In less than 
 a month his aunt died and left him a farm in Oxford county, 
 Maine ! The human mind can pictur no grater misfortin than 
 this. 
 
 (i No, my Irish frens, I am here as your naber and fren. I 
 know you are honest in this Finian matter. 
 
 " But let us look at them Head Centers. Let us look at 
 them rip-roarin orators in New York, who Ve bin tearin round 
 for up'ards a year, swearin Ireland shall be free. 
 
 "There 's two parties — O'McMahoneys and McO'Roberts. 
 One thinks the best way is to go over to Canady and establish 
 a Irish Republic there, kindly permittin the Canadians to pay 
 the expenses of that sweet Boon ; and the other wants to sail 
 direck for Dublin Bay, where young McRoy and his fair young 
 bride went down and was drownded, accordin to a ballad I onct 
 heard. But there 's one pint on which both sides agree — that 's 
 the Funs. They 're willin, them chaps in New York, to receive 
 all the Funs you '11 send 'em. You send a puss to-night to 
 Mahony, and another puss to Roberts. Both will receive 'em. 
 You bet. And with other pusses it will be sim'lar. 
 
 " I went into Mr Delmonico's * eatin-house the other night, 
 and I saw my fren Mr Terence McFadden, who is a elekent and 
 enterprisin deputy Centre. He was sittin at a table, eatin a 
 canvas-back duck. Poultry of that kind, as you know, ia 
 
 * The first restaurant in New York, where the best entertainment for 
 the highest prices may be obtained. —Ed. 
 
ARTEMUS WARD AMONG TEE FENIANS. 331 
 
 ralher high just now. I think about five dollars per Poult 
 And a bottle of green seal stood before him. 
 
 " ' How are you, Mr McFadden ? ' I said. 
 
 " * Oh, Mr Ward ! I am miserable — miserable ! The wrongs 
 we Irishmen suffer ! Oh, Ireland ! "Will a troo history of yovu 
 Bufferins ever be written ? Must we be for ever ground undei 
 by the iron heel of despotic Briton ? But, Mr Ward, won't you 
 eat suthin ? ' 
 
 " ' Well,' " I said, " ( if there 's another canvas-back and a 
 spare bottle of that green seal in the house, I wouldn't mind 
 jinin you in bein ground under by Briton's iron heel.' 
 
 i( e Green turtle soup, first ? ' he said. 
 
 " ' Well, yes. If I 'm to share the wrongs of Ireland with 
 you, I don't care if do hav a bowl of soup. Put a bean into it, 
 I said to the waiter. c It will remind me of my childhood days, 
 when we had 'em baked in conjunction with pork every Sunday 
 mornin, and then all went up to the village church, and had a 
 tefreshin nap in the fam'ly pew.' 
 
 " Mr McFadden, who was sufferin so thurily for Ireland, 
 was of the Mahony wing. I 've no doubt that some ekally pa- 
 triotic member of the Roberts wing was sufferin in the same way 
 Dver to the Mason-Dory * eatin-house. 
 
 " They say, feller citizens, soon you will see a Blow struck 
 for Irish liberty ! We hain't seen nothin but a Blow, so far — 
 it 's bin all blow, and the blowers in New York won't git out 
 of Bellusses as long as our Irish frens in the rooral districks 
 send 'em money. 
 
 " Let the Green float above the red, if that '11 make it feel 
 any better, but don't you be the Green. Don't never go into 
 anything till you know whereabouts you 're goin to. 
 
 " This is a very good country here where you are. You Irish 
 hav enjoyed our boons, held your share in our offices, and you 
 certainly hav done you share of our votin. Then why this bulla- 
 
 * Another restaurant, only a trifle less famous and expensive than iti 
 more celebrated rival.— Ed. 
 
332 ARTEMUS WARD AMONG THE FENIANS. 
 
 balloo about freein Ireland? You do your frens in Ireland a 
 great injoory, too ; because they b'lieve you 're comin sure enuli* 
 and they fly off the handle and git into jail. My Irish frens, 
 ponder these things a little. 'Zamine 'em closely, and above all 
 find out where the pusses go to." 
 
 I sot down. There was no applaws, but they listened to me 
 kindly. They know'd I was honest, however wrong I might be; 
 and they know'd, too, that there was no peple on arth whose 
 generosity and gallantry I had a higher respect for than the 
 Irish, excep when the fly off the handle. So, my feller citizens, 
 let me toot my horn. 
 
 But Squire Thaxter put his hand onto my hed and said, in 
 a mournful tone of vois, " Mr Ward, your mind is failin. 
 Your intellect totters ! You are only about sixty years of age, 
 yet you will soon be a drivelin dotard, and hav no control over 
 yourself." 
 
 " I have no control over my arms now," I replied, drivin my 
 elbows suddenly into the Squire's stomack, which caused that 
 corpulent magistrate to fall vilently off the stage into the fid- 
 dlers' box, where he stuck his vener'ble hed into a base drum, 
 and stated " Murder " twice, in a very loud vois. 
 
 It was late when I got home. The children and my wife was 
 all abed. But a candle — a candle made from taller of our own 
 raisin — gleamed in Betsy's room; it gleamed for I ! All was 
 still. The sweet silver moon was a shinin bright, and the beau- 
 tiful stars was up to their usual doins ! I felt a sentymental 
 mood so gently ore me stealin, and I pawsed before Betsy's 
 winder, and sung, in a kind of op'ratic vois, as follers, improm- 
 too, to wit : 
 
 Wake, Bessy, wake, 
 
 My sweet galoot ! 
 Rise up, fair lady, 
 
 While I touch my lute ! 
 
 The winder — I regret to say that the winder went up with 
 * vi'lent crash, a^d a form robed in spotless white exclaimed 
 
ABTEMVb WARD IN WASHING TON. 333 
 
 ' Cum into the house, you old fool. To-morrer you '11 be goin 
 round complainin about your liver ! " 
 
 I sot up a spell by the kitchen fire readin Lewis Napoleon's 
 " Life of Julius Csesar." What a reckless old cuss he was ! 
 Yifc Lewis picturs him in glowin cullers. Caesar made it lively 
 for the boys in Gaul, didn't he ? He slewd one million of citi 
 *ens, male and female — G-auls and Gaulusses — and then he sold 
 another million of 'em into slavery. He continnered this cheer- 
 ful stile of thing for sum time, when one day he was 'sassinated 
 in Rome by sum high-toned Roman gen'lmen, led on by Mr 
 Brutus. When old Bruty inserted his knife into him, Caesar 
 admitted that he was gone up. His funeral was a great success, 
 the house bein crowded to its utmost capacity. Ten minutes 
 after the doors were opened, the Ushers had to put up cards on 
 which was printed, " Standin Room Only." 
 
 I went to bed at last. " And so," I said, " thou hast no ear 
 for sweet melody ? " 
 
 A silvery snore was my only answer. 
 
 Betsy slept. 
 
 Artemus Wakd. 
 
 VII. 
 
 ARTEMUS WARD IN WASHINGTON. 
 
 [The following' paper was contributed by Mr Browne to Vanity Fair, 
 the New York Punch, which terminated its career during the late war. 
 Borne of the allusions are, of course, to matters long past ; but the old 
 fun and genuine humour of the showman are as enjoyable now as when 
 first written.] 
 
 Washington, April 17, 1863. 
 
 My wife stood before the lookin-glass, a fussin up her hair 
 
 " What you doin, Betsy? " I inquired. 
 
 * Doin up my back hair," she replied. 
 
334 ABTEMU8 WARD IN WASHINGTON. 
 
 "Betsy," sed I, with a stem air, "Betsy, you 're too old V 
 think about such frivolities as back hair." 
 
 " Too old ? too old ? " she screamed, " too old, you bald-heded 
 idiot ! You ain't got hair enuff onto your hed to make a decent 
 wig for a single-brested grasshopper ! " 
 
 The Rebook was severe, but merited. Hens4th I shall let 
 my wife's back hair alone. You heard me ! 
 
 My little dawter is growin quite rapid, and begins to scroo- 
 tinize clothin, with young men inside of it, puthy clost. I ob- 
 sarve, too, that she twists pieces of paper round her hair at 
 nights, and won't let me put my arms round her any more for 
 fear I '11 muss her. " Your mother wasn't 'fraid I 'd muss her 
 when she was your age, my child," sed I one day, with a sly 
 twinkle into my dark bay eye. 
 
 " No," replied my little dawter, " she probly liked it." 
 
 You ain't going to fool female Young America much. You 
 may gamble on that. 
 
 But all this, which happened in Baldinsville a week ago, 
 hain't nothin to do with Washington, from whither I now 
 write you, hopin the items I hereby sends will be excep table to 
 the Gin-Cocktail of America — I mean the Punch thereof. [A 
 mild wittikism. — A. W.] 
 
 "Washington, D. C.,* is the Capital of "our once happy 
 country " — if I may be allowed to koin a frase ! The D» C. 
 stands for Desprit Cusses, a numerosity which abounds here, 
 the most of whom persess a Romantic pashun for gratooitous 
 drinks. And in this conjunction I will relate an incident. I 
 ootist for several days a large Hearse standin in front of the 
 principal tavern on Pennsylvany Avenoo. " Can you tell me, 
 my fair Castillian," sed I this mornin, to a young Spaniard 
 from Tipperary, who was blackin boots in the washroom — 
 " can you tell me what those Hearse is kept standin out there 
 for? " 
 
 " Well, you see our Bar bisness is great. You Ve no idee 
 
 * District of Columbia.— Ed. 
 
ARTEMU8 WABD "N WASHINGTON. 335 
 
 of the number of people who drink at our Bar durin a day. 
 You see those Hearse is necessary." 
 
 I saw. 
 
 Standin in front of the tarvuns of Pennsylvany Aveaoo is a 
 lot of miserbul wretches, — black, white and ring strickid, and 
 freckled — with long whips in their hands, who frowns upon you 
 Ike the wulture upon the turtle-dove the minit you di^merge 
 from hotel. They own yonder four-wheeled startlin curiositys, 
 which were used years and years ago by the fust settlers of Yir- 
 ginny to carry live hogs to market in. The best carriage I saw 
 in the entire collection was used by Pockyhontas, sum two hun- 
 dred years ago, as a goat-pen. Becumin so used up that it 
 couldn't hold goats, that fair and gentle savage put it up at auc- 
 tion. Subsekently it was used as a hospital for sick calves, 
 then as a hencoop, and finally it was put on wheels and is now 
 doin duty as a hack. 
 
 I called on Secretary Welles, of the Navy. You know he is 
 quite a mariner himself, havin once owned a Baft of logs on 
 the Connethycut river. So I put on saler stile and hollered : 
 "Ahoy, shipmet ! Tip us yer grapplin irons ! " 
 
 " Yes, yes ! " he sed, nervously, " but mercy on us, don't be 
 so noisy." 
 
 "Ay, ay, my hearty! But let me sing about how Jack 
 Stokes lost his gal : — 
 
 ' The reason why he couldn't gain her, 
 Was becoz he's drunken saler ! ' 
 
 " That 's very good, indeed," said the Secky, " but this ia 
 oardly the place to sing songs in, my frend." 
 
 " Let me write the songs of a nashun," sed I, " and I don't 
 care a cuss who goes to the legislater ! But I ax your pardon 
 — how 's things ? " 
 
 " Comfortable, I thank you. I have here," he added, w a copy 
 ■vf the Middletown Weekly Clarion of February the 15, con- 
 fcainin a report that there isn't much Union sentiment in Soutb 
 Caroliny, but I hardly credit it." 
 
336 ABTEMUS WARD IN WASHINGTON. 
 
 " Air you well, Mr Secky," sed I. " Is your liver all right t 
 How's your koff?" 
 
 " God bless me ! " sed the Secky, risin hastily and glarir 
 wildly at me, u what do you mean ? " 
 
 " Oh nothin partickler. Only it is one of the beauties of a 
 Bepublican form of gov'ment that a Cabnet offisser can pack up 
 kis trunk and go home whenever he 's sick. Sure nothin don't 
 ail your liver ? " sed I, pokin him putty vilent in the stummick. 
 
 I called on Abe. He received me kindly. I handed him my 
 umbreller, and told him I 'd have a check for it if he pleased. 
 " That," sed he, "puts me in mind of a little story. There was 
 a man out in our parts who was so mean that he took his wife's 
 coffin out of the back winder for fear he would rub the paint 
 off the doorway. Wall, about this time there was a man in a 
 adjacent town who had a green cotton umbreller." 
 
 "Did it fit him well? Was it custom made? Was he 
 measured for it ? " 
 
 " Measured for what ? " said Abe. 
 
 "The umbreller?" 
 
 " Wall, as I was sayin," continnerd the President, treatin 
 the interruption with apparent contempt, " this man sed he 'd 
 known that there umbreller ever since it was a parasol. Ha, 
 ha, ha ! " 
 
 "Yes," sed I, larfin in a respectful manner, "but what has 
 this man with the umbreller to do with the man who took hia 
 wife's coffin out of the back winder ? " 
 
 " To be sure," said Abe — " what was it ? I must have got 
 two stories mixed together, which puts me in mind of another 
 lit " 
 
 "Never mind, Your Excellency. I called to congratulate 
 you on your career, which has been a honest and a good one — 
 unscared and unmoved by Secesh in front of you and Abbolish 
 at the back of you — each one of which is a little wuss than tha 
 : <fcher if possible ! 
 
 "Tell E. Stanton that his boldness, honesty, and viggei 
 
ARTEMUS WARD IN WASHINGTON. 337 
 
 merits all prase, but to keep his under-garmints on. E. Stan- 
 ton has appeerently only one weakness, which it is, he can't 
 alius keep his under-garmints from flyin up over his hed. J 
 mean that he occasionally dances in a peck-measure, and ha 
 don't look graceful at it." 
 
 I took my departer. " Good bye, old sweetness ! " sed Abe, 
 shakin me cordgully by the hand. 
 
 " Adoo, my Prahayrie flower ! " I replied, and made my exit. 
 " Twenty-five thousand dollars a year and found," I soliloquised, 
 as I walked down the street, " is putty good wages for a man 
 with a modist appytite, but I reckon that it is wuth it to run 
 the White House." 
 
 " What you bowt, sah ? What the debble you doin, sah ? " 
 
 It was the voice of an Afrikin Brother which thus spoke to 
 me. There was a cullud procession before me which was es- 
 cortin a elderly bald-hedded Afrikin to his home in Bates Alley. 
 This distinguished Afrikin Brother had just returned from 
 Lybery, and in turnin a corner puty suddent I hed stumbled 
 and placed my hed agin his stummick in a rather strengthy 
 manner. 
 
 " Do you wish to impede the progress of this procession, 
 sah?" 
 
 " Certainly not, by all means ! Procesh ! " 
 
 And they went on. 
 
 I 'm reconstructing my show 1 5 ve bo't a collection of life- 
 size wax figgers of our prominent Revolutionary forefathers. I 
 bo't 'em at auction, and got 'em cheap. They stand me about 
 two dollars and fifty cents (2 dols. 50 cents) per Revolutionary 
 forefather. 
 
 Ever as always yours, 
 
 A. Ward* 
 15 
 
338 SCENES OUTSIDE THE FAIR GROUNDS 
 
 VIII. 
 SCENES OUTSIDE THE FAIR, GROUNDS, 
 
 There is some fun outside the Fair Ground. Any number of 
 mountebanks have pitched their tents there, and are exhibiting 
 all sorts of monstrosities to large and enthusiastic audiences. 
 There are some eloquent men among the showmen. Some of 
 them are Demosthenic. We looked around among them during 
 the last day we honoured the Fair with our brilliant presence, 
 and were rather pleased at some things we heard and witnessed. 
 
 The man with the fat woman and the little woman and the 
 little man was there. 
 
 " 'Ere 's a show, now," said he, " worth seeing. 'Ere 's a en- 
 tertainment that improves the morals. P. T. Barnum — you 've 
 all hearn o' him. What did he say to me ? Sez he to me, sez 
 P. T. Barnum, l Sir, you have the all-firedest best show trav- 
 elin ! ' — and all to be seen for the small sum of fifteen cents ! " 
 
 The man with the blue hog was there. Says he, " Gentle- 
 MEN, this beast can't turn round in a crockery grate ten feet 
 square, and is of a bright indigo blue. Over five hundred per- 
 sons have seen this wonderful being this mornin, and they said 
 as they come out, ' What can these 'ere things be ? Is it alive ? 
 Doth it breathe and have a being ? Ah yes,' they say, c it is true, 
 and we have saw a entertainment as we never saw afore. 'Tis 
 nature's [only fifteen cents — 'ere 's your change, sir] own sub- 
 lime handiworks' — and walk right in." 
 
 The man with the wild mare was there. 
 
 "Now, then, my friends, is your time to see the gerratiat 
 queeriosity in the livin' world — a wild mare without no hair — 
 captered on the roarin wild prahayries of the far distant West 
 by sixteen Injuns. Don't fail to see this gen ate exhibition. 
 Only fifteen cents. Don't go hum without seein the State Fair 
 an' you won't see the State Fair without you see my show. 
 
SCENES OUTSIDE THE FAIR GROUNDS. 339 
 
 Gerratist exhibition in the known world, an' all for the small 
 sum of fifteen cents." 
 
 Two gentlemen connected with the press here walked up and 
 asked the showman, in a still small voice, if he extended the 
 usual courtesies to editors. He said he did, and requested 
 them to go in. While they were in some sly dog told him their 
 aames- When they came out the showman pretended to talk 
 with them, though he didn't say a word. They were evidently 
 in a hurry. 
 
 " There, gentleMEN, what do you think them gentlemen say ? 
 They air editors — editors, gentleMEN — Mr , of the Cleve- 
 land , and Mr , of the Detroit , and they 
 
 say it is the gerratist show they ever seed in their born 
 days \ " 
 
 [Nothing but the tip ends of the editors' coat-tails could be 
 seen wnen the showman concluded this speech.] 
 
 A smart-looking chap was doing a brisk business with a 
 gambling contrivance. Seeing two policemen approach, he rap- 
 idly and ingeniously covered the dice up, mounted his table, and 
 shouted : 
 
 " Ere 's the only great show on the grounds ! The highly- 
 trained and performing Mud Turtle with nine heads and seven- 
 teen tails, captured in a well-fortified hencoop, after a desperate 
 struggle, in the lowlands of the Wabash ! " 
 
 The facetious wretch escaped. 
 
 A grave, ministerial-looking and elderly man in a white choker 
 had a gift-enterprise concern. " My friends," he solemnly said, 
 " you will observe that this jewellery is elegant indeed, but I can 
 afford to give it away, as I have a twin brother seven years older 
 than I am, in New York City, who steals it a great deal faster 4 
 than I can give it away. No blanks, my friends — all prizes — 
 and only fifty cents a chance. I don't make anything myself, 
 my friends — all I get goes to aid a sick woman — my aunt in the 
 country, gentlemen — and besides I like to see folks enjoy them* 
 selves ! " 
 
540 SCENES OUTSIDE THE FAIR GROUNDS. 
 
 The old scamp said all this with a perfectly grave Jounte- 
 nance. 
 
 The man with the " wonderful calf with five legs and a 
 huming head," and "the philosophical lung-tester," were there. 
 Then there was the Flying Circus and any number of other in- 
 genious contrivances to relieve young ladies and gentlemen from 
 the rural districts of their spare change. 
 
 A young man was bitterly bewailing the loss of his watch, 
 which had been cut from his pocket by some thief. 
 
 " You ain't smart," said a middle-aged individual in a dingy 
 Kossuth hat with a feather in it, and who had a very you-can't- 
 fool-me look. " I 've been to the State Fair before, I want yei 
 to understan, and knows my bizniss aboard a propeller. Here 'a 
 MY money," he exultingly cried, slapping his pantaloons' pocket. 
 
 About half an hour after this we saw this smart individual 
 rushing frantically around after a policeman. Somebody had 
 adroitly relieved him of his money. In his search for a police 
 man he encountered the young who wasn't smart. 
 
 " Haw, haw, haw," violently laughed the latter ; " by G — , 1 
 thought you was smart — I thought you 'd been to the Statu 
 Fair before." 
 
 The smart man looked sad for a moment, but a knowing 
 smile soon crossed his face, and drawing the young man who 
 wasn't smart confidentially towards him, said — 
 
 " There wasn't only fifteen cents in coppers in my pocket — 
 my money is in my boot — they can't fool me — I 've been to 
 the State Fair before 1 1 " 
 
TEE NEGRO QUESTION. 341 
 
 IX. 
 
 THE NEGRO QUESTION. 
 
 I WAS sitting in the bar, quietly smokin a frugal pipe, when 
 two middle-aged and stern-looking females and a young and* 
 pretty female suddenly entered the room. They were accompa- 
 nied by two umberellers and a negro gentleman. 
 
 " Do you feel for the down-trodden ? " said one of the fe« 
 males, a thin-faced and sharp-voiced person in green spectacles. 
 
 " Do I feel for it ? " ansered the lan'lord, in a puzzled voice— 
 "do I feel for it?" 
 
 " Yes ; for the oppressed, the benighted ? " 
 
 " Inasmuch as to which ? " said the lan'lord. 
 
 "You see this man? " said the female, pintin her umbreller 
 at the negro gentleman. 
 
 " Yes, marm, I see him." 
 
 " Yes ! " said the female, raisin her voice to a exceedin high 
 pitch, " you see him, and he 's your brother I " 
 
 " No I' m darned if he is ! " said the lan'lord, hastily retreat- 
 ing to his beer-casks. 
 
 " And yours ! " shouted the excited female, addressing me. 
 " He is also your brother ! " 
 
 " No, I think not, marm," I pleasantly replied. " The near- 
 est we come to that colour in our family was the case of my 
 brother John. He had the janders for sev'ral years, but they 
 finally left him. I am happy to state that, at the present time, 
 he hasn't a solitary jander." 
 
 " Look at this man ! " screamed the female. 
 
 I looked at him. He was an able-bodied, well-dressed, com- 
 fortable-looking negro. He looked as though he might heav« 
 ♦ihree or four good meals a day into him without a murmur. 
 
 H Look at that down-trodden man ! " cried the female. 
 
 u Who trod on him ! " I inquired. 
 
542 THE NEGRO QUESTION. 
 
 "Villains! despots!" 
 
 " "Well," said the lan'lord, "why don't yon go to the willing 
 abont it ? Why do yon come here tellin us niggers is oui 
 brothers, and brandishin yonr umbrellers round us like a lot 
 of lunytics ? You 're wuss than the sperrit-rappers ! " 
 
 " Have you," said middle-aged female No. 2, who was a 
 quieter sort of person, " have you no sentiment — no poetry in 
 your soul — no love for the beautiful ? Dost never go into the 
 green fields to cull the beautiful flowers ? " 
 
 " I not only never dost," said the landlord, in an angry 
 voice, but I '11 bet you five pound you can't bring a man as 
 dares say I durst." 
 
 " The little birds," continued the female, " dost not love to 
 gaze onto them ? " 
 
 " I would I were a bird, that I might fly to thou ! " I 
 humorously sung, casting a sweet glance at the pretty young 
 woman. 
 
 " Don't you look in that way at my dawter ! " said female 
 Jfo. 1, in a violent voice; "you're old enough to be hei 
 father." 
 
 "'Twas an innocent look, dear madam," I softly said. 
 " You behold in me an emblem of innocence and purity. In 
 fact, I start for Rome by the first train to-morrow to sit as a 
 model to a celebrated artist who is about to sculp a statue to 
 be called Sweet Innocence. Do you s'pose a sculper would 
 send for me for that purpose onless he knowd I was over- 
 flowing with innocency ? Don't make a error about me." 
 
 " It is my opinyn," said the leading female, " that you're a 
 scoffer and a wretch ! Your mind is in a wusser beclouded 
 state than the poor negroes' we are seeking to aid. You are a 
 groper in the dark cellar of sin. O sinful man ! 
 
 ' There is a sparkling fount. 
 Come, come, and drink. 
 
 No : you will not come and drink." 
 
TEE NEGRO QUESTION. . 343 
 
 " Yes, he will," said the landlord, " if you'll treat. Jest try 
 him." 
 
 "As for you," said the enraged female to the landlord, 
 " you're a degraded bein, too low and wuigar to talk to." 
 
 " This is the sparklin fount for me, dear sister ! " cried the 
 lan'lord, drawin and drinkin a mug of beer. Having uttered 
 which goak, he gave a low rumblin larf, and relapsed into 
 silence. 
 
 " My colored fren," I said to the negro, kindly, " what is it 
 all about?" 
 
 He said they was trying to raise money to send missionaries 
 to the Southern States in America to preach to the vasi 
 numbers of negroes recently made free there. He said they 
 were without the gospel. They were without tracts. 
 
 I said, " My fren, this is a seris matter. I admire you foi 
 trying to help the race to which you belong, and far be it from 
 me to say anything again carrying the gospel among the blacks 
 of the SoTith. Let them go to them by all means. But 1 
 happen to individually know that there are some thousands of 
 liberated blacks in the South who are starvin. I don't blame 
 anybody for this, but it is a very sad fact. Some are really 
 too ill to work, some can't get work to do, and others are toe 
 foolish to see any necessity for workin. I was down there last 
 winter, and I observed that this class had plenty of preachin 
 for their souls, but skurce any vittles for their stummux. 
 Now, if it is proposed to send flour and bacon along with the 
 gospel, the idea is really a excellent one. If, on the t'other 
 hand, it is proposed to send preachin alone, all I can say is 
 that it's a hard case for the niggers. If you expect a colored 
 person to get deeply interested in a tract when his stummuck 
 is empty, you expect too much." 
 
 I gave the negro as much as I could afford, and the kind- 
 hearted lan'loxd did the same. I said : 
 
 "Farewell, my colored fren, I wish you well, certainly. 
 You are now as free as the eagle. Be like him and soar. 
 
344 ABTEMUS WABD ON HEALTH. 
 
 But don't attempt to convert a Ethiopian person while hia 
 stummuck yearns for vittles. And you, ladies — I hope you are 
 ready to help the poor and unfortunate at home, as you seem to 
 help the poor and unfortunate abroad." 
 
 When they had gone, the lan'lord said, u Come into the gar- 
 den, Ward." And we went and culled some carrots for dinner. 
 
 ARTEMUS WAKD ON HEALTH. 
 
 [The following fragment from the pen of Artemus Ward was written 
 n the last days of his illness, and was found amongst the loose papers 
 •.ii the table beside his bed. It contains the last written jests of the dy- 
 ing jester, and is illustrative of that strong spirit of humour which even 
 extreme exhaustion and the near approach of death itself could not 
 wholly destroy. 
 
 There is an anecdote related of Thomas Hood to the effect that when 
 he was just upon the point of dying, his friend, Mr. F. O. Ward, visited 
 him, and, to amuse him, related some of his adventures in the low parts 
 of the metropolis in his capacity as a sanitary commissioner. "Pray 
 desist," said Hood; "your anecdotes give me the back-slum-bago." 
 The proximity of death could no more deprive poor Artemus of his 
 power to jest than it could Thomas Hood. When nothing else was left 
 him to joke upon, when he could no longer seek fun in the city streets, 
 or visit the Tower of London and call it " a sweet boon," his own shat- 
 tered self suggested a theme for jesting. He commenced this paper ' ' On 
 Health." The purport of it, I believe, was to ridicule doctors generally ; 
 for Artemus was bitterly sarcastic on his medical attendants, and he had 
 some good reason for being so. A few weeks before he died a German 
 physician examined his throat with a laryngoscope, and told him that 
 nothing was the matter with him except a slight inflammation of the 
 larynx. Another physician told him that he had heart disease, and a 
 third assured him that he merely required his throat to be sponged two 
 or three times a day, and take a preparation of tortoiseshell for medi- 
 cine, to perfectly recover ! Every doctor made a different diagnosis, and 
 each had a different specific. One alone of the many physicians to whom 
 Irtemus applied seemed to be fully aware that the poor yetient was dy 
 
ARTEMUS WARD ON HEALTH. 3*5 
 
 lug of consumption in its most formidable form. Not merely phthisis, 
 but a cessation of functions and a wasting away of the organs most con- 
 cerned in the vital processes. Artemus saw how much the doctors were 
 at fault, and used to smile at them with a sadly scornful smile as they 
 left the sick-room. "I must write a paper," said he, u about health 
 and doctors." The few paragraphs which follow are, I believe, all that 
 he wrote on the subject. Whether the matter became too serious to him 
 for further jesting, or whether his hand became too weak to hold the 
 pen, I cannot say. The article terminates as abruptly as did the life of 
 its gentle, kind, ill-fated author. E. P. H.] 
 
 Ostil quite recent, I 've bin a helthy individooal. I 'm near 
 60, and yit I 've got a muskle into my arms which don't make 
 my fists resemble the tread of a canary bird when they fly out 
 and hit a man. 
 
 Only a few weeks ago I was exhibitin in East Skowhegan, in 
 a b'ildin which had form'ly bin ockepyied by a pugylist — one of 
 them fellers which hits from the shoulder, and teaches the manly 
 art of self-defens. And he cum and sed he was goin in free, in 
 consekence of previ'sly ockepyin sed b'ildin, with a large yeller 
 dog. I sed, " To be sure, sir, but not with those yeller dog.'* 
 He sed, " Oh, yes." I sed, " Oh, no." He sed, " Do you want 
 to be ground to powder ? " I sed, " Yes, I do, if there is a 
 powder-grindist handy." When he struck me a disgustin blow 
 in my left eye, which caused that concern to at once close for 
 repairs ; but he didn't hurt me any more. I went for him. I 
 went for him energet'cally. His parents lived near by, and 1 
 will simply state that 15 ininits after I 'd gone for him, hia 
 mother, seein the prostrate form of her son approachin the 
 hcuse onto a shutter carrid by four men, run out doors, keer- 
 fuliy looked him over, and sed, " My son, you 've bin foolin 
 round a thrashin masheen. You went in at the end where they 
 put the grain in, come out with the straw, and then got up in 
 the thingumajig and let the hossea tred on you, didn't you, my 
 Son ? " 
 
 You can jedge by this what a disagreeable person I am when 
 I 'm angry. 
 
 15* 
 
346 ^ FRAGMENT. 
 
 But to resoom about helth. I cum of a helthy fam'ly. 
 
 The Wards has alius bin noted for helthiness. 
 
 The fust of my ancestors that I know anything about was 
 Abijah Ward and his wife, Abygil Ward, who came over with 
 the Pilgrims in the Mayflower. Most of the Pilgrims was sick 
 on the passige, but my ancestor wasn't. Even when the tern- 
 pist raged and the billers howled, he sold another Pilgrim a kag 
 of apple sass. The Pilgrim who bo't it was angry when he 
 found that under a few layers of sass the rest was sawdust, and 
 my ancestor sed he wouldn't hav b'leeved such wickedness could 
 exist, when he ascertained that the bill sed Pilgrim gave him 
 was onto a broken bank, and wasn't wuth the price of a glass 
 of new gin. It will be thus seen that my fust ancestor had a 
 commercial mind. 
 
 My ancestors has all bin helthy people, tho' their pursoots in 
 life has bin vari's. 
 
 ******* 
 ******* 
 
 XI. 
 A FRAGMENT. 
 
 [Among the papers, letters, and miscellanea left on the table of poni 
 Ward was found the fragment which follows. Diligent search failed to 
 discover any beginning or end to it. The probability is that it consists 
 of part of a paper intended to describe a comic trip round England. To 
 write a comic itinerary of an English tour was one of the author's fa« 
 vourite ideas ; and another favourite one was to travel on the Continent 
 and compile a comic Murray's Guide. No interest attaches to this mere 
 scrap other than that it exemplifies what the writer would have attempt- 
 id had his life been longer.] 
 
 ******* 
 ******* 
 At North Berwick there was a maniacal stampede toward the 
 little house by the railside, where they sell such immense quan- 
 
A FRAGMENT. 347 
 
 tities of sponge-cake, which is very sweet and very yellow, but 
 
 which lies rather more heavily on the stomach than raw turnips, 
 
 as I ascertained one day from actual experience. This is not 
 
 stated because I have any spite against this little house by the 
 
 railside. Their mince-pies are nobly made, and their apple-pies 
 
 are unsurpassed. Some years ago there used to be a very pretty 
 
 girl at this house, and one day, while I was struggling rapidly 
 
 with a piece of mince-pie, I was so unfortunate as to wink 
 
 slightly at her. The rash act was discovered by a yellow-haired 
 
 party, who stated that she was to be his wife ere long, and that 
 
 he ^expected" he could link any party who winked at her. A 
 
 cursory examination of his frame convinced me that he could 
 
 lick me with disgustin ease, so I told him it was a complaint of 
 
 the eyes. " They are both so," I added, " and they have been 
 
 so from infancy's hour. See here ! " And I commenced winking 
 
 in a frightful manner. I escaped, but it was inconvenient for 
 
 me for some time afterwards, because whenever I passed over 
 
 the road I naturally visited the refreshment house, and was 
 
 compelled to wink in a manner which took away the appetites 
 
 of other travellers, and one day caused a very old lady to state, 
 
 with her mouth full of sponge-cake, that she had cripples and 
 
 drunkards in her family, but, thanks to the heavens above, no 
 
 idiots without any control over their eyes, looking sternly at 
 
 me as she spoke. 
 
 That was years ago. Besides, the wink was a pure accident. 
 
 I trust that my unblemisl ed character — but I will not detain 
 
 you furthei with this sad affair. 
 
 ******* 
 
 Artemus Ward. 
 
 THE BNDw 
 
Artemus Ward visits the Tomb of Shakspeare and makes © 
 
 alight mistake. 
 
 See Page 238. 
 
/