! 11 1!I tI I J! """""""""""""""""""""" i j 0,' ~i ~ ~ ~ ~ ~'i~ iii~~~~/~~i~~~'r: r I j U~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~l~.' Di:: ~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ i~~~~~~~~~~F ~~~~~~~~~~ ea~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~ i~il illl~ lllilllnll~tff~lllililil'l'~'!liill~iillti~t I':!t ~dF,~ ~...f ~r lJ ~!i/ilj~ m i OF THE AI L R OAD K I N G -Authentic and Original Anecdotes of Prominent Railroad Men.'PUBLISHED AT THE OFFICE OF "WILD OATS," 113 FULTON STREET, NEW YORK. ENTERED according to Aot of Congress, in the year 1872, by COLLIN & SMALL, In the office of the Librarian of Congress at Washington. "AL." AND THE COMMODORE., _, IN 1853, while Commodore Vanderbilt River Railroad, when he became tired of Bsitting, and concluded to go into the bagagage-car and enjoy a cigar. In those days ththey had no smoking-carsan im henever a passenger felt like turning a little of the weed into ashes, he had to do it on the platform a the regulations f most of the tickets roads forbade wsmoking in the baggage-car. As a rule, there wasmore chewing than smoking don e in those days.en JBut the omumodore concluded that the baggage-car was good enough for him, and thither he went. Seating himself on a VANDERBILT COMMENCES LIFE AS AN INFANT, AND A REGULAF.W'DEAWAKE ONE AT THAT. HE SOON DISSOLVED PARTNERSHIP WITH HISI PAtrud T I shall assist you, that's al.ia trunk, he began pulling away at a cigar RENTS, HOWEVER, AND IT MAY SAFELY BE SAID THAT HE WAS!1FVER. A. with great delight, and finally became lost "SILENT PARTNER" IN ANYTHING. in thought. Allen Conrey was then conductor of theonly express right young man;' and there he is. Suppose you tackle h im?" he added. "A." looked at him for a moment, and then turned away to finish counting his mon'ey and tickets' after which he approached and tapped the stranger on the shoulder. "It is against the rules to smoke here sir.; N So that young man. told me. Nothing like enf rcing the rules, conductor," said he, emitting a mouthful of smoke. That's just what I intend to do inS your ease " Comoo nl.," firmly. t iSo you must buds g. C lme." 4~d b~"" "countg Oh, that's the word, is it e Supposing I don't Then I shall assist you, that's all." __ ___I~' _~.~~~~ ]~ "You look as though you would make a good assistant Notici a od f w — ras d ther like you, yousng man" white hat pulled down over his eys, he t d t the'A right butoo I shall think more of you if you save _either sme the trouble of ejecting you." "I'll do all I can for you,, Do you know who I am 6?" deal of cheek for Iaven't the remotest idea, sir; but I know what the YOUJNG VANDERBILT'S FIRST APPEARANCE IN NEW YORK. rules of this road. are." DOIEgSl'T LOOK AS THOUGH HE xsr/A s DgSFINED TO BECOME qTE DOieSN'Ti rLcoI, ASTUU aXpliE B~AS DSINE T BCOE U "Well, Sir, read that," he said, handing him his caxd. CHAMPIoN INCOM. ~AXPAYRI, D-ES HE? C C" VandeirbiF:t;" said "Al.," looking from the ca~iv to train that ran on the road. Thousands of travelers, at the renowned steamboat man. "So you are Commodore the mention of his name, will remember "Al.," as lie was Vanderbilt, are you 6?" always tcaled. Well, after collecting his tickets on leas- "I am, replied the old smoker. ing Poughkeepsie, "Al." went into the baggage ca to ell, yo must stop smoking,'nevertheless. I will count them and to arrange his other business relating to not allow you to break a rule of this road any more than the trip. I would allow any other man to do it-not even if you Noticing an old fellow seated there, smoking, with his owned it." white hat pulled down over his eyes, he turned to the " That's good; I like your style," said Vanderbilt, baggage-master and asked who he was. throwing his cigar from the open door. "Do you cknow "I Blessed if I know," said the trunk-burster; " he is I have a great mind to buy this road just for the sake either somebody in authority or somebody with a good getting you; I will, by thunder!" deal of cheek; for I told him that it was against the "All right; but I wouldn't allow you to smoke eves rules to smoke here, and all the reply he made was,;All then unless you abolished the rule." 3 "Correct! young man. Come and see me at No. 9 Battery Place. Here is a cigar for you." $ 0~, ^l, |'| X %' ^This ended the interview, and not long afterward the 2\" 4 ~~ils.... ~ Y^ _ " ~ old steamboater had control of the great river road, and -"Al." Conrey was long held in his place of trust as conductor of the famous express train between Albany and New York. __* _ _ )__ fCAUGHT IN HIS OWN TRAP. =- - CofoIOMM ODORE VANDERBILT has always been looked upon -- — w 1 as a great oracle in Wall street, and fortunate was the. man who could get the "tip" from him regarding what to buy in the line of stocks. When Jim Fisk first came -___-_f___~ \A d to New York, and before he had made a stir in the world mIt^ ~,~]bt; ||fli___ A d tof stocks and sensations, he recognized the value of Van}|luilK^tf l______^_ __ Iderbill's recommendation. But even at this time the old ___ ____^ H Iman had foreseen the mark that the youthful speculator ---- was destined to make, and as he disliked to have rivals:lSIi~ "^^^ 9 in the market, he kept a sharp eye on his movements, and tried to blocki his little moves. ____ - ____ _ __ __. |One day Fisk took it into his head to pump the old!'___ "' -~' —~- ---— ^ -== man through a mutual friend, relative to what would be =the best stock to buy " short" on. The friend interviewed YOUNG VANDERBILT STARTS OUT IN THE WORLD. HE the Commodore at his office, and questioned him as to MEETS THE YOUTHFUL MARSHAL O. ROBERTS ON A NORTEH the state of the market. Vanderbilt suspected that Fisk RIVER SLOOP, BOUND FOR NEW Y3ORK. THEY RESOLVE TO GO TOGETHER, had sent the man, and acted accordingly, advising him to ~ ~F4~/~.l, — k~~~, -— "9~ ~ \ iii WE BEXT HEAR OF OUR HERO AS THE BUILDER AND COMMANDER OF A HORSE-POWER FERRY-BOATr B'ETWEEN STATEN ISLAND AND NEW YORK. THIS LAID THIE FOUNDATION OF HIS COLOSSAL FORTUNE, AND GAVE HIM TiHE AME OF 6' COMMODORE." a;1~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~' 'i,~ ~ ~ ~~~~~~~~~:;tII /(iii THIE NEXT GREAT FEATOF THIS EXTRAORDINARY MAN WAS T)O BUILD THE IIRST LOCOMOTIVE^. OB iICH THE ABOVE IS A CORRECT DRAWTING~ AND TO RUN THE FIRST EXPREESS TRAIN T';[OUGH TO ]NEW roEi;K, was. | track, a little distance beyond the depot, 1by an outwardThis news dlid not exactly suit Fisk, a yd instead of b ound train of some twenty heavy fTeight cars aden die'g as recommended he did exactly the reverse% and with merchandise. Astonishing to relate an examination bought' long" and sparingly. Vanderbilt set out fr disclosed the fact that Rail was not in the least ini:ued. Wall street at'one% and began domg the same thing. This is probably the most wonderful escape on recordn buying up all he could find, anO' bearing"7 the market | considering that occmurences of this character are t'taking to his utmost7 Fisk, in the nr;antime, managing it so as place daily on this road." to sell out to the Commore's brokers so as to cover morning the sperintendent of the road called at himsef. that office and protested against the publication of the The result was sad\ parent in a few days. The article in question. stock went down to a rdS ably low figue, and the T'' 3 > ^ /.. ",. No such accident occurred, sir," he exclaimedl to the Commodore found himsef the father of a losing specula-, __..IT,,..plji., editor. Itfs an infamous falsehood-a lie sir." tion, while his artfl rival quetly managed to buy again at the very l figure which Van. had run the stock "Bt said the editor Its tru and moreover down tall thereby realizing a handsould ge thshort" as it O -T Rail was run over upon the Caniden operation. track, was the toughest blond the doughty old bence every day an the wek over you road to nmte rdfinancier eve received a did ever after that he fc ght shy fact know n to my reade. There was a sly twxamination of Blonde Jimmy. editorial ocu w] i ign'buying up all he could find, anO.'1 bearing"11 thc market considering that oculrre s of this character a:'e taking di n noti ce. What offic he rotested I-Iagainst te publication of t ~TRO BLLIES OIF T RA8L. is an evident attempt to igie our rdad. The ht;'i.... — - thing is an outrageous i2, anI P.P:t!. —si' i-won't y.,..." SOe ETIME as sai the e appeared in a Phfladelphia my word forit." paper tLe t olowing notice of an accident upond theCa a No, sir I repea-it is ttte Commodore found himse the father of a losing specul a- eit m ni n Loush to rfa da e i tion, while his artful rival ydetly managed to buy ag ain " t iY sat edit "It is true, and, moreover, at the very lo vrI figure w hicIh Van. -had r-un the stock down to, thereby road: smlizing calmness ofome th t editor raised the ralway operation. It was the toughest blow the doughty oldre e veryayinthweov. fact known to my reade-u" Thdere was a sly twinkle fnancier ever received and ever after that he fGoi ght shy of Blonde Jmy. lo~l; Ggi~are ~hieh Van. bad run the stock (~B~t~~ siltho editorial occular, WLhtLe suIpaii Lgn p din not notice. "What i" he roaree4 "I —I'll Lave 11 1f1a-s1n TROUBLES OF T. RAIL. is an evident attempt, to iijre our rjad. The xL&* thing is an outrageoub i& A a H%~ —i ~.-won't& an~d ~Amboy road:, UA 81smailing calmness of that editor raised the railway~s official up to the last degree-thle boiling point of exas- "I do, sir.1" peration. "You do, eh And you are being honest? Well, you Sir-sir-I'11 mak-e you suffer for this, if it costs the are playing a lone hand, young man, a lone hand. If profits of the road for a year. Such villainous reports as you had much to do in Wall street, you'd get awful lonethese, making a slaughter line of our road-it is "-and some, that's all I've got to say." he choaked up with rage. Still that wretched misuided editor smiled the smile of unalloyed-good humor, and picked his teeth with a "FIVE MINUTES FOR REFRESHMIENTS! " new steel pen, with a provoking disregard of the enraged CAPTAIN MAY, well known in Philadelphia as a capital official. jokist and a first-class tooter for steamboats, and general " PDo you intend to —t'o —" traveling agent, etc., for divers railways, just after the " Yes,"7 interrupted the editorial aggravation. Now, breaking out of the late war, gets off a good one somesee here, did you notice the name of the victim of that what after this fashion: lamenta~ble occurrence? V" "L You see, gentlemen, I got caught down there in that " Yes, T. Rail; and there's no such man living in Cam- infernal Georgia, where the hills and the cussed inhabiden-It's pure invention, sir," roared the superintendent. tants are like corn-dodgers, almighty rough on top, slack"T. Rail was run over," said the editor. "What in baked on the sides, and broad-bottomed. Every thing thunder kind of rail do your cars run on if it isn't T-Rail was Secesh. Yes, gentlemen, damme if the very mules Strikes me that-" war'nt seceeding from their tales and goin' in for states' That superintendent saw a great light just then; he rights on their ears. Well, there I was-stuck, by thunlooked discouraged; he gathered himself into a comfort- der!-yes, stuck! I couldn't get away, and I wasl'nt able walking position and oozed, with the simple remark, wanted to stay. They spotted me as a d-d Yank —a somevhat forcllry uttered, Sold by -- 9 blue-bellied, splay-footed abolitionist. I mildly insinNext day that miserable jokist of an editor received a uated that I was a gentleman-first-class, clear water, no basket of Piper Heidsick, accompanied by a note suggest- flaw, and that I did'nt care a continental whistle about ing the propriety of not again mentioning the daily mis- states' rights, patent rights, niggers, or anything but my fortune of T. Rail in being run over. business. Gentlemen, they seized me one morning just as I was taking my morning nip-a Georgia cocktail-you know what a Georgia cocktail is, don't you? Well, its A LONE HAND. rain-water and tanglefoot lightning. Take three fingers deep of tanglefoot and a glass full of the water. Swallow DANIEL DREW Was seated in his office one day after the lightning, heave the water into the barkeeper7s face, his disastrous tilt with " Northwestern," by which "the and then git up, and git before the bottle-slnging and boys of Wall street tilted the old fellow olut of two mil- shootin' begins. Well, gentlemen, a gang of the lousy lions. There was a curious expression on Lis face, some- Confeds grabbed me and lugged r-e off, the wretches! thing between crying and laughing; and he appeared to Me-me! Captain May-arrested. I got mad, talked be contemplating the vanity of all things her below, or American eagle, and they laughed-actually laughed at how quickly millions take to thenselves wings and "skip." me! Then they put me in the cars, under guard of a While seated thus a stranger entered, and accosted his couple of officers, one of'em with a brass door-knob ion confidential clerk. his shoulder for an epaulette, and a nine-inch bowie-kn-life' You paid me for some stock yesterday * do you re- for a sword. The other one had no boots, only part of a member the transaction? 1" he asked. pair of pants, and no shirt; he said he was a colonel of " Oh, yes; perfectly," replied the clerk gorillas, and I'm d-d if I didn't think he was the father " Well, you made a slight mistake." of tiem. Well, off we started. I. heawd a god &-al of "Guess not; I am not in the habit of doing so," said swearing on that trip. Every -mother's soul of them, he, somewhat piquAed to think such a charge should be when they passed me, caursed me, made faces at me-me! brought against hi-m in My. Drew's presence. a gentleman, first-class! The train slacked-up at a sta"4 But I am sure you did; just glance over your books, tion, and the conductor, with a bowie-knife in one hand, and if I am mistaklien, why-I'll treat." a hoss pistol in the other, bawled out, " Five minutes for Reluctantly the clerk complied, and found that he had refreshments!" made an error in figuring, and had paid the stranger one " Want to refresh?' said one of my guards. hundred dollars too much.," Yes," I said. Drew got up and approached the desk. ~' Come along!" and I went out of the car. I no soonI knew it," said the stranger, throwing down a hun- er stepped upon the platform than them infernal lowdred-dollar greenback; " I make it a point to be honest," lived sand-hillers went for me. Theykicked me and cuffed he added, buttoning up his coat. me from one end of that platform to the other. They " Honest, eh! " whined Daniel, turning to him; "-hon- histed me, bounced me, punched me, jerked my ears, twistest! Do you live in New York " ed my nose, pushed me, whirled me, tripped me up and 6 tripped me down, blacked my eyes, loosened two of my front end. of the car. As Goff turned to come back, Pop, upper teeth, and grabbed my false set below; they split who found that the train had about reached the vicinity my coat up the back, and tore my pants up the leg, of his station (where, of course, it had no stoppage), damme! At last, with a desperate effort, I got back into opened the car door. He stepped partly out, then the car, and we moved out of that depot. Next station, turned, poked his head in, and yelled that miserable heathen of a double-dyed traitor, the con- h Lord! oh, Lord!! stop the train, stop it! ductor, bawled out, "Five minutes for refreshments!" Goff ran to im at once.' What's up!" I didn't go out for refreshments. I had had refreshments The old man's frantic yells had aroused the passengers, enough at the other station to last me the rest of the and they echoed the conductor s cry —" What's up?trip. That's the kind of refreshments a first-class man " hat's the matter " gits down on them Georgia trains, if they don't run off the Qui for Gods se, st it i track and kill every body on board before they reach a Wat's te mate, old an, shouted Gof, holding station." is..... ___________ up his lamp. " Two men's got off the platform. Stop it stop it, CRUSHED, MANGLED, AND-SOLD! OIRtUSHiED, IMAANGLIED:I, AND —SOLD! Two men! two men! off tfhat platborml out theae!' THERE was an old residenter-a regular on the Erie " Great heavens two men crushed under the wheels, road, who lived near a little station just beyond Hornel;-; iotd a. frightened passenger. ville, and who either purposely or through sheer carelessness invariably, when going home, planted 4 himself in an express train, which he knew —if he / knew anything-would not stop at -any of the small way-stations. Not a cent more fare would le pay than just the amount usually charged to his station, A and on one or two occasions he utterly refused to O A. pay at all. As a matter of course, the conductor had -. to either put him off or carry him clear through to Dunkidrk. Altogether, old Pop Brydges was an _ abominable nuisance, a perfect eyesore to the conductors. One day the old fellow happened to meander into a train-" express through " —whereon- Goff was the conductor. Goff had been a baggagemaster, and nhad received promotion but a short time previous, and therefore wasn't up to Pop's dodges. It also so happened that Pop was on this day particularly ugly, as if his last snifter of Back- _____ water whisky had cut a little too deep. Off started the train.i Along came Goff, with his ___ _ lamp on his arm. "Tickets! gentlemen." A new idea struck old Pop-or rather the old idea not to pay a cent of fare, welded to a new idea't of selling the new conductor. Whenl Goff came up mo him, the old man began - -\.' going thro-tgh himself in a pretended search for his ticket. t'' "Singlar, now, where that ar ticket went too., Say, Mr. Conductor, hold that ar lantern cllus i down to the floor. May be its drapped in a nunder the seact."1 Conductor Goff obeyed the request, but no ticket turned up to gladden his sight. "Now, that is mighty strange. I recollect puttin. - it into my jacket pocket, and then I remember a - - takin' it out and " "'Never mirnd, old man,' said Goff, impatiently, >-/ yet not unkindly,7 hunt it up by the time I come COMMoDORE VA1NDDERBILT IN 1862.-4 E GLiENEIOUSLY TAKIES back." This was just what the old fellow wanted. UNCLE SAI' BY THrE HAND AND AKES HIM; A PRESEENT OF THE~ STEAMSHIIP VA~NDERBILT" TO CATCH THE ALABAMA" WITH. The old man was seated near what was then the UNCLE SAM HA5'NT FO'RGOTTET IT ET 7 "Four men smashed to pieces!" cried another. tokened him to be at least independent as a hog on ice, " Stop the train!" bawled old Pop, still holding on by or a dog in a meat shop. the door. "Well, sir. " exclaimed Vanderbilt. Instantly Goff pulled the bell cord. The engine "Yes, I'm tolerable well, considering," was the easy whistled down brakes with the signal of danger, and in a reply, as the speaker seated himself opposite the milmoment or two the train slowed-up and came to a stand lionare. still. The conductor, followed by a group of horror- Vanderbilt stared at this evidence of unintroduced stricken passengers, went back upon the track a long dis- and refreshing coolness, not to say impudence. tance, examined the wheels and the rails, fully expecting "What is your business, sir I " sharply queried Vanto see the gory evidences of the mangling of the two more derbilt. victims of " standing on the platform." "Business has been rayther better lately, kinder lookLooking around for the old man they found he had dis- ing up as it were, so to speak." appeared He wasn't on the train either. Goff began to "What is your business?with me, sir!" demanded the have a faint glimmer of having been " sold." The passen- Commodore, half savagely. gers began to grin, and, some sly winks and thumb pokes "Oh,'seuse me, really. Splendid office this, aint it?" were exchanged, and, with a jerk-up and snort, the train and the cheeky, lanky chap glanced admiringly about plunged on through the darkness at a terrific speed, to him. " Well, fact is, I understand, Commodore, you are make up the five or ten minutes lost time. dealin' in hoss meat. On the next trip, Goff met the old man in the passenger "No, sir, I am not. Is that all, sir? My time is useful room of the Hornelsville station, and instantaneously went to me," retorted the old man, getting nearly up to the for him. swearing point. " You infernal old fool! why in h- did you get off "Ya-as, so f Well, Commodore, you're a stranger to that lie-two men fallen off the car? Come very near me, and I am to you,'cept by repetation. Repetation is causing us to be run into by the up-express. Say " a big thing to hev when a fellar is a swellin' in a tight " I didn't say two men fell off," coolly replied old Pop, place. -, a friend of mine, who lives onto the line of " nothin of the kind." your road, told me that you were into the hoss line "Why, you old heathen, you did; I can prove it." pretty deep; that you'd buy anythin' that was easy on " I didn't, an' you can't prove nothin of the sort. I jestfoot. said two men had got off'n the keers, and ax'd you to stop "Well, have you a horse to sell? " the train!" " That's jest where my skin is thick. I hev a hoss that Well, then, hadn't two men got off, you old humbug! " can take the rag off a briar bush and never tear a hole "Yaas, they had. I seed'em; they got off where I into it. get on-at the last station"' What's the breed?" You infernal -- " "A 1, Commodore. But blood ain't nothing alongside t I only axed you to stop the train bekase that was as of time." far as I wanted to go; besides, I lost my -" " Where is the animal?" Goff didn't stop. He gave old Pop the benefit of a tre- Jest over here, in Mercer street. It are a mare." mendous malediction, and leaped upon his train and was u What's her time?" off. "She has gone her mile inside of two-two." Goff hasn't heard the last of that " sell" yet. And old "Two-two!" cried the now interested Commodore, Pop still ambulates around that vicinity, and tells with astonished, and thinking he had found a prize. extreme gusto the story of "them two men which got a How old is she?" off." "She was six last weel" ( Sound in wind aid limnb t " Oh, there ain't no wibSaift her, and I guess her limbs don't hurt her much, Commodore,' was the reply. THE COMMODORE AND HIS TWO-TWO 4"How much do you want for her? What's the MARE. price? "'" Hadn't you better step around and see the critter?" EVERYBODY knows, or at least everybody ought to "Yes, yes," impatiently answered the Commodore, know, about the Commodore's proclivities for horseflesh fearful that he might lose the prize, but determined, of -alive, not dead. course, to see for himself; " I will drive her out to-morOne day a long, lean rasp of a fellow, evidently from row. But what do you ask for her?' that region where the sun sets by sliding down hill and'Well, you see, I don't know much about hoss flesh rises by going around it, dropped into the Commodore's down here. I did calkilate to git suthin' in the neighborvisual reach at short range. hood of-well, say five hundred dollars, but —" The Commodore looked at him. He returned the "Five hundred, hem!" exclaimed the Commodore, scrutinizing glare with an easy nonchalance, that be- getting anxious. "I'll give it willingly. I-I'll give her 8 --;=- - = VANDERBILT'S GREAT TRIP Ar;OUND THE WORLD. HE GOES ASHORE IN HOLLAND WITHEi A F'W BAGS OF GOLD TO SPEND FOR NICK-NACKS; ASTONISHMENT OF THE NATIVES. a time trial to-morrow morning, sir. I am glad I've met "Very well; I'll go." you, sir." "Then, here, jest give this here keerd to the stable-' Certin. Ya-as, well I'll drop in in the mornin'. I'm keeper, an it'll be all right. You'd be all right, anyhow, goin' down to see Mr. Bonner, and-" but'' " Bonner, eh! " The Commodore knew that if Bonner" Never mind; I'll meet you there." could get hold of the Two-two, money would be no ob- After some further conversation the lanky horse-deale ject. So he addedeagerly "Now, seehere, l- I'll-I'm left, and an hour afterwards, the Commodore, elated at willing to give you a deposit on that mare to bind the the bargain he tought he had secured, stated for the sale. Where are you stopping " stable. "Well, I'm kinder hanging on at the Astor House. My He got there. He inquired for the nag, and presented name is Crouch." the "keerd" to the stable-keeper. The stable-keeper n D —n the name," said the Commodore. " Here," knew the Commodore by sight (as who does not), glanced and he took out a roll of bills, "here's one hundred dol-at him, grinned and said, Why, Mr. Yanderbilt, was lars; that'll bind the bargain. If the mare is all right, I'll that mare yourn? hand you the balance at the stable. But don't mention " No * but she will be mine,"' said Mr. V., curtly. it to Bonner. Is it a bargain?'"' Well," said the visitor, slowly, " Ya-as — spose." "Come with me," said the stable-keeper, grinning -o're He took the omeny, counted it carefully, and deposited it than ever. in his wallet.' I think, Commodore, you'd better git Into the back part of the stable. around to the stable this afternoon. I'd like to git her "There's the body," said the stable-keeper, "'a:d fm ouit thlis aft;ernoon." | precious glad you're goi:n to niove it l.be'B bii *& ed 9 ?,,rr~ l P; i Hi ONE OF THE CROWNED HEADS OF EUROPE BEHOLDS THE VAST WEALTH OF THE BRAVE COMMODORE, AND IS DRAWN FINANCIALLY TOWARDS HIM. —d OH, THAT I HAD SOME OF IT!" twenty-four hours; but what ere you going to do with a Wasn't this adding insult to injury. Was there not dead boss? " some additional ripping up of the Anglo-Saxon vernacular The Commodore gave one look. The game was ended. in the expletive line, just then a Oh, no! " Sold! by G-d," roared the Commodore. " A hundred out, and no chance to get even; d-nation! If ever I _get hold of that infernal wretch, I'll —'ll-damme, if I don't." VANDERBILT'S CAPTAIN. The horse died of glanders, sir," said the stable-man, " and the owner told me to-day he would sell the carcass, ABOUT the time the Commodore's steam yacht was reand have it taken off. I don't know him; but I didn't ceiving its finishing touches —so the story goes- he was s'pose he'd sold it to you." casting about in order to sec!re a first-class captain to " He didn't, d-n M m! I thought it was a two-two run the vehicle.' Of course there were an abundance of old mare, and alive," roared the Commodore, as he bounced salts out of place, who were cruising about within I.is out of the stable. reach; but " Van." wanted something extra; a sort of The Commodore ain't buying s'ock of that kind any high-toned captain, who would be equally at home in the more. Nor doeshe advance much on'" critters " he hasn't duties of the quarter-deck, as well as in the cabin doing seen. the honors to the nobs of high and low " posish," who But as the story goes, the Commodore, through a note might be his visitors. So the old man looked around, and received a few days after the sale-or " swindle," as he in his peculiar manner inquired here and there in the termed it, said note being without signature or mark by upper-crust sea-faring circles. Exactly the individual which the author could be traced, was not at all soothed didn't appear. There were bow-legged, hard old nuts, in being informed that "his (Vanderbilt's) compliments bluff, oath-ventilating salts, who, despite their half-way for that two-two nag, to James Fisk, Jr., and that he could appearance of refinement in their land-lubber togs, put it to the age of that other and bigger joke-the cattle couldn't drop their quids and queer outlandish jokes. beat on the Central road." One day, however, a square-shouldered, bronzed-faced 10 individual; half rolled, half swaggered into the Commo- feet. " Who sent you here with this infernal, nonsendore's presence. sical- " "This is Commodore Vanderbilt, I presume," said the "Why-I —came just to see whether you encouraged individual, bowing with an air indicative of a reckless talent. Simons and Dan Drew sent me- -" disregard of the greatness of the man before him, yet, Drew and Simons are-" withal, with a certain show of manliness which was not At this precise moment " Capt. James Crowker " vanlost upon the Commodore. ished with a roar. I I am Cornelius Vanderbilt, sir," was the reply. The Commodore t saw " the point and subsided. "' I understand you have been looking for a captain." And down among the " salts" the Commodore's canal" Captain for what? " boat business was a huge thing, " For your steam yacht."' Well, sir, if I want- a captain, I suppose I can find one. Who sent you here?' The stranger coolly drew from his pocket a letter, SRE HR Which he handed the old gentleman. " There, sir," he said, as he did so, read that." The Commodore opened the missive. GOING up the Ohio river last fall, writes a corresponTitius it read;- dent, we took on board a rather verdant youth at Hickman. His curiosity was unbounded. He examined here COItwELiUS:VNDERBPIT, Esq.: and he scrutinized there; he wormed Iom the engineer This will introduce to you Capt. James Crowker He scutized there h wormed fr th a treatise on mechanics i-n general, and from the fireman is desirous of obtaining a position as commanding officer Z,.^ ^f 4- i- ~ *t an& essay on' white heat," and the average consumption in your employ. We can certify to his capability as a, captain, and that while he sailed for us he fulfilled his of pine cordwood, etc..p I>.,-,, -. At length his IIinquri.n-g mind was checked in its induties in all respects, and some of his voyages were un- d vestigations. He mounted to the wheelhouse, and was usually rough. If you can do anything for him in refer- asking the pilot — ence to the matter, you will favorg 2 YIIWhat are you -doin that for, mister.':What good Yours, very respectfully, does it do SMOTIHEns & CO. He was here observed by the captain, who said in a " VWho in lh-Il is Smothers & Co.? ":;claimed the Corn- gruff voice:modeoe. " Go.'way from here. Don't you see the, sign,'No' Shippers, sir." talkng to the man at the helm?? Go'wayo" A nd what craft, sir, did you ever run " " Oh, certing, ye-es but I only wanted ter know — tWell, sir, I last run the Adriatic." " Well, you do know now that you can't talk to him; " Adriatic -what-" so just go'way."' Yes sr, the Adriatic. Before thatt I had the Star of With unwilling willingness the verd.ant youth came the West." down, and as it was soon dark, he presently went below; " ow," said the Commodore, " and suppose I should but four or five times before he turned in he was on conclude to employ you in a responsible capacity as cap- deck, and near the wheelhouse% eyei-ng it with a thoughttain, what salary would you require?'ful curiosity, but, with the captain's rebuff still in his ear, " Salary! well, the same as I have been receiing." venturing to ask no question. "l How much is that?" In the first gray of the morning he was up and out on; Twenty-five dollars a month, and found." the deck; and after some hesitation, perceiving nobody "Eh! "cried the Commodorein astonishment. "T-w-e-n- near save the pilot, who was turning the wheel as whenh t-y-f-i-v-e d-o-l-l-a-r-s a month " he had last been seen, he asked his suppressed question in " Yes, sir." oblique style, somewhat characteristic bf his region:-'6As captain of the Adriatie " " Wall-goin' it yet, ha? Been at her all night, ha t " Yes, sir." A screwin' on her up, ha?" 6 See hlere, you're an impostor; and d-d if I don't think this Smothers & Co. are impostors, or lunatics. — You command a sea-steamer like the Adriatic for twentyfive dollars a month!" A Poon wopan in this city, whose husband was in the 1" did not say anything about a sea-steamer, sir.' habit of beating her, was advised by a pious ard sympa" Eh? "' thizing lady friend to heap coals of fire on his head, She 6 I said I was captain of the Adriatic; Smothers & Co. didn't exactly understand what the good woman meaunty owned it. It's one of the best boats on the Erie Canal, but the next time she caught him asleep, she toot- tShe and I-'" pepper-sauce bottle and squirted some of its con!t-nts in "I Godelmity!" roared the Commodore, bouncing to his his ear. It answered the srame purpose,? hb. ow crr,. 11 THE GREAT HAND-CAR RACE BETWEEN COMMODOPE VANDERBILT AND TOM SCOTT. FOLLOWING SUIT. UNAPPRECIATED. AN old lady once traveling on the New York and THE other morning a city missionary took upon himBoston road, from Plainfield to Hartford, took it into her self the task of distributing tracts in the various saloons. head to patronize the street-cars in going up to Main and of the city. He performed his duty faithfully and well, Asylum streets, in the latter city. She left the depot and and rejoiced in the prospect of " reaping a rich harvest started to cross the street where the horse-car stood wait- for the Lord;" but, unfortunately for himself, our Israeling for passengers. On the street corner, where she had ite fell into the hands of the Philistines. He went into a to cross, a one-legged soldier sat playing on a hand-organ, saloon on Thirteenth street, and, after saying a few words while a box sat on his instrument in which to drop the to revive the sleeping consciences of the assembled beer fractional parts of a dollar which the benevolent and the and whisky drinkers, left a couple of tracts. The tracts grateful might feel inclined to give. were brim-full of instruction, and would have been tho A lady just ahead of our heroine stopped and dropped means of conversion to many had only the many availed a five-cent nickel into this box, and then passed on and themselves of the same. A certain butcher, who is not entered the car. Supposing this was a new way of pay- especially religious or sacrilegious, but who makes indusing the fare, and not wishing to appear green, the old lady try a hobby, looked at one of the tracts, and said:did as the other one had done, and also took her seat. "Dame it, why ton't you go to vork? Vat in der teivel After riding a few blocks the conductor came to her for vas der use of your gone round mit dem pieces of baper? her fare. Dem vas blayed oud. Dame it, go to vork, and ton't be " Why! lordy marsy! I've paid my fare once," said she, acding der loafer mit your blows about dem religious bizlooking him honestly in the face. ness. Dat religion of yours vas a humbug, und I tink you " I guess not, madam-at least not to me," said the better get oud of dat saloon so quicker as your legs ton't conductor. let you."' But I paid it to the man who was making the music Well, our hard-working, conscientious missionary on the corner before we started." " got" His lines had not fallen in pleasant places, and The conductor explained that ihe disabled son of Mars he came to the conclusion that to retreat was the better had no connection whatever with the road, and still held part of Christian valor. out his hand for the fare. " Lordy marsy! I seed that are lady drop a five-cent piece intew his box, and I thought it was the place where they took the fares, and that he was playing the OH, dear! will they never get done talking about Yanmusic tew keep the horses still while people got on tewkee sharpness, when it is double discounted every day the keers;" and amid the shout of laughter which fol- out West? The farmers of Illinois have taken to raising lowed, the old dame paid her fare and concluded that she wolves, for the sake of getting the bounty on their wahs rather green, after all. scalps. 12 III IY11111 Fill I mi A GOOD RECOMMENDATION-COMMODORE VANDERBILT AND THE CONDUCTOR; A GOOD RECOMMENDATION. muster up any sort of a plausible pretence or claim to __.~____ ~travelling for nothing. One day there came with slow and solemn tramp up A CERTAIN conductor, who had been discharged fromding to the private of thin, n r the Norwich and Worcester road for having tr on his stair leaindividual, clad in thi e blacest of lanky, and fingers," applied to Mr. Vanderbilt for a situation, either wearing the whitest of neclcloths. Under his arm ha on the Central, Hudson River, or Harlem roads. bore a black umbrella, in his right hand a black cane, Have you any recommendations I" asked Vanderbilt. and in his ft a pair of blackkid gloves black hat, Only these," he said, pointing to a fine gold watch, straight blac hair, cut square a ro completed his diamond ring, and studs, "together with a pair of fine ensemble. He looked like a chief mourner who had lost horses, a well-furnished house, all paid for, and a few rac of the hearse by turning up the wrong streetHe thousand isumn cit ad the bank. To" eentered the office, closed the door, stood his umbrella "That is sufficient," said the Commodore. "Those against the wall, removed his hat, and confronted Simons, things must be had, and it is an awful pull-back for a who was seated at the table. road to have unfurnished conductors. Consider yourself Mr. Simes, I bleve!" engaged. " Simons, if you please," said that official. i___^.____ " Mr. Simes, I am the Reverend Mr. Whangbang. am the editor of the Flag of Salvation, published in E MINISTEIAL DEAD HEAD Buffalo. I am here with my wife and four of my eldest THE.MINISTERIAL DEAD HEAD. children, servant, and a dog. My paper hasi a large circulation in the church, and its influence, is extending EVERYBODY in the steamboat as well as railroad busi- daily." ness knows the genial Simons-M. R. Simons, once a "What can I do for you, Mr. Bangwhtg","' passenger clerk on the Fall River line when Col. Borden "Whangbang; Mr. Simes." "had a finger in it," and afterwards the superintendent " Simons, sir, retorted the amiabf qiial, smiling, and business manager of the Stonington steamboat line. " Well, sir,"'said the man in black), "' I would l]ike to Simons used to have his office at the corner of Cort- obtain the courtesy of the Cress-ah-ieu other words, an landt and West Streets, and from him came the free editorial pass to Bostcv tor. myself and-ah —in fact, for passes of the line, and to him everybody went who could" my family. I will r'u nm the compliment by-by-an eax-. 13 tended editorial notice of your-ah-admirably conduct- HOW "JAKE" DID IT. ed line-to Boston-yes, sir." Simons looked aghast. Here was cheek. But being in SUPERINTENDENT NASON the Bosn and Providence an amiable mood, after some further words with the road once had occasion to appoint a relative of his as reverend bore, he filled up a pass "To Boston" for the conductor on a way train. What the degree of relationentire lot. -,-entire lot, -_- ~, -..ship was is not necessary to mention. However, it was The Rev. Whangbang took it, examined it carefully.e. sufficiently near to have a material influence in favor of "Ah "-excuse me," said he, "there isn't anything the appointee. about:state room on the-ah-this pass." Now, this particular train had heretofore been exceed-:Simons looked at him, but the lugubrious face was im- -' -t,,.~. -ingly profitable, and its "run"' in the hands of previous movable-as hard as the wall behind it. He took the. conductors had yielded a handsome average to the plepass and marked the letter R. in one corner of it. thoric purse of the company. " There, sir, is our mark for room." No sooner had "Jake —- which name will do as well as The editor of the Salvation -Flag again paused over T g a ps o any for the new conductor, become used to the tramin it.;"Ah?" said he, *"thank you-but-but," and he ith p as *7santel - trn than by some unaccountable freak of fortune, the receipts gave the pass another look, turned it over and back I. gave thepa odiminished woefully. Week after week, for nearly three again, and then raised his sepulchral eyes and voice. beautifully less, until the remonths, the profits grew beautifully less, until the re^' Excuse me, Mr. Simes-but-I~ —"turns made by Jake scarcely paid expenses. "What else?" said Simons, half stupefied with amaze- Nason scratched his nasal appendage-put detectives menlt at the incorrigible dead-head. "What else do you and spotters on the train - hauled up Jake half-a-dozen. require;, sir' htimes, and questioned and cross-questioned him in vain. 6 W-e-l-1!" he blandly observed, " Excuse mew but it continued. Still the fearful leak continued.. seems to me, Mister Simes-d t Jake meanwhile thrived famously; dressed well, wore: "Simons, sir," exclaimed the official, losing his temper a pateint-self-winding-back-action-full-jewelled chronom — rapidly. rapidlyeter diamond studs, and got himself up gorgeously. " You hav nt mentioned meals!" The mystery deepened. " Godelmity! " exclaimed Simons, grasping the pass One day came the solution desperately, " WHAT ELSE? " He nervously placed next The treasurer came to Nason, in his private office. to the'KR." the significant " & M.," and then added "Mr.Nason,"hesaidgraely, youknow the trouble " B. Bs., and C.," and handed it back. wit Jakes train "' Thank you, Mr. Simes -thank you-~ah -yes, room Yes-yes-yes —always short- no not short exactly and meals-B.-B.'s-and C.-ah -exse me-those ^ but, somehow, travel has fallen off frightfully. Yet Jake; last letters, what do they ah-mean —-B., B.s, and eems popular-very popular. We spotted him; but C.O e'it's no use. We-"'" Thunder and lightning!"' roared Simons, droppings fault. e's a ight sad t Trea his eyeglasses, and looking daggers at the imperturbable ure still snore gravely. " Gospel sharp." " They mean Bar, Barber Shop, and "Glad of it, glad of. Well? Chambermaid. Now, you've got the whole boat except "Mr. Nason, it is your fault." the toilette rooms, and they re free to every body. Good "My falt! " exclaimed the bewildered superintendent. day, sir.". Yes-and your kindliness has brought all this sus" Thank you, Mr. Simes." and the intolerable clerical picio upon Jae. D. H. started, adding,; I'll send you a marked copy of Me. My kindli-eh Out with it " roaed Nason. my"-" d My fault! D'ye spose I've been taking the funds, oru Good day,' said Simons~ wrathfully.are you demented Mr.- or-are you demented, Mr.." Five minutes that reverend pallbearer returned. Beg your pardon-listen. We have, in looking over "Beg your pardon-really you 7must excuse me-an the tickets- returned by Jake from each trip, compared oversight-no doubt you forgot it-but looking at the them with the receipts pass-I-I -ah-perceive it says to Boston, but it says 6Yes; well@" nothing of retur'ning." " And since the first month of his taking the train, his Sions arose in his wrath ae Give me that pass.r' He cash receipts for tickets sold way passengers have been took it, added, " And return." correct, but their number has been gradually diminish" Thank you-thank you-I don't s'pose the baggage ingmaster'11-ah-charge for taking care of. the dog, if I'Yes, yes-" feed him!"'t While the number of free passes-dead-head tickets He left-just in time. Simons says that was the only -have increased so frightfully, that now d-d near every man in the whole course of his experience with wholesale ticket is a D. H. Nowy Mr. Nason, these tickets can only dead-heads, that he wanted to shoot. That minister be issued by you. Nobody else. Last trip every infernal 4ilu't call frequently again-not to speak of.ticket taken in by Jake, except the few sold at the station 14 ~offices was a dead-head! Now, Mr. Nason, isn't this "Heavings, what murderers!" rather rough. Whole train loads of infernal-" "You see," continued the inexorable Governor, mixing " Stop! " roared the astonished mad indignant superin- a cocktail as he spoke-" you see you kill off your surplus tendent. " I hav'nt given out over three free tickets this population by a war or pestilence, or something of that month!" sort; but we are Christians here, and healthy. Some of "' There they are, four hundred and odd of'em, this our conductors are nearly two hundred years old!" last trip of Jake's! and the Treasurer threw open the "Oh, no! you know I cawn't swallow that, you package. " Signed by you!" know," said the Cockney. " Forgery!" shouted Nason. "Well," replied the Governor, lifting the cocktail to The mystery was out. An immediate examination re- his lips, I can swallow it, and two more like it.",suited in the discovery that Jake had had any quantity "'Ow do your hengines hurge their way through snowof blank passes printed in exact imitation of the genuine, drifts hin the mountings.'Avn't they been blocked hout 1? had filled them up himself, signed Nason's name to each " Oh, no! our engines go straight through anything. one, and in collecting his fares in the cars had for every They have a patent screw-twist cow-catcher, with double passenger substituteda dead-head pass! so that only the shovels on each side, so that when they go into a snow office tickets and a little cash for a few others, to keep up bank the screw draws the train plum through, while the appearances, were returned. shovels, fast to the driving wheels, break the snow up Nason sent for that Jake. Jake smelt a mouse with an and heave it behind the train. We have engines built on:exceedingly lengthy caudal appendage. Jake slode- purpose, with nitro-glycerine power instead of steam, switched off, so to speak, and was next heard of in Gal- which make all our tunnels. They go straight through a veston, Texas, as the chief engineer and conductor of a mountain, rocks and all, and carry the dirt with them. thriving three card monte shop. They put four of these locomotives against one of the He left a slight note for his relative. Thusly it read: rocky mountains to make a way for the Pacific road, and I hereby resign imy position on the -- train. There is they were so powerful that before they could be stopped some money for me down South, and I am reluctantly they actually pushed the entire mountain twenty-one obliged to go for it. I have sent a good many dead-heads miles away into the ocean. You can see a part of it now over the road. If anybody follows me and attempts to in the Bay of San Francisco." bring me back, there'll be another dead-head or two "Aw, aw! hand what stopped the blarsted locoadded to the list. Good bye.-JAKE.." motives." There are no more relatives running trains on that i Well, the fact is, three of'em stuck to the mountain, road. Not much. All strangers. and the other one switched off sideways, ran up a tree, and got tangled in the branches. Its hanging there now. Have a drink?" Cockney felt faint, and he went out muttering some" G~OVERNO R " J ENN I80N'G TUNNMOELE LOCO- thing about the blarsted liars, you know. MOTIVE. The Governor met him some weeks afterwards on the Long Island road. T:HE average English tourist, when he proposes to Ah! good morning," said the bland Governor. Havn't trouble the United States with his presence, usually en-' seen you lately. Were've you been?" tertains the belief that he can hunt buffalo in-. the streets " Aw, I've been hup a tree, you know, looking for that of New York, that the noble red man prowls for scalps locomotive." through the alleys and lanes, and that the'4blarsted The Governor smiled, and went his way. Yankees " are a sort of wild nondescript, half Aztec and half heathen. He don't, however, think so much that way as formerly, but still he is doubtful. THAT young man who was asked the other day by a woman The'Governor," otherwise Jennison, who can talk in a Pennsylvania railroad train to hold her twins for a.steamboat and railroad as knowingly as a thoroughbred, moment, while she got out to obtain refreshment, was subwhen he kept his " cabin" in Courtlandt street, where- sequently much embarrassed. Because, as the fond mother anent only R. R.'s and S. B.'s most did congregate, used did not return, but rather took the next train back to the to tell some snorters about the Cockneys who, at various city, he was obliged to perform the duty of holding those times had " crossed his experience two babies, one upon each knee, all the way out to PittsYes," said the Governor one day to a Cockney who burgh, and it became somewhat monotonous before he happened in, " of course you have no railroad accidents reached that city. A41 he could do was sit there and think, in England. You can't spare the people." and think, and blush, while the twins emitted the most " Spare the people, eh? " unearthly yells and inquired in vain for sustenance. The!' Yes. You see if we didn't kill off eight or ten thous- manner in which he soused those infants into an orphan and a year on each road the population would, become so asylum as soon as he got to Pittsburgh, indicated that he thick there wouldn't be room for a railroad." was anxious to get rid of them. And so he was. 15 H HE WAS BORN OF POOR BUT HONEST PARENTS,1 AS USUAL WITH GREAT MEN. AT ALL EVENT12S THIS BEING HIS BIRTHPLACE, IT IS EVIDENT THAT NATURE INTENDED TIIM FOR A RAILROAD MAN. WHO IS THIS TOM SCOTT? A nod, but no word. "Got some mighty smart men there. Acquainted THERE is even more of the financial mystery about there much? " Tom Scott than there was surrounding poor Jim Fisk. "Well, a little," replied Scott. His sudden rise to railroad power, his great ability, the "Wal, I'm right glad tew hear it. I'm goin' thar, an7 reputed vastness of his wealth, together with the number right glad yew arn't dumb. Dew yew know any of these of railroad pies in which he has a finger, make him an ere railroad men?" object of interest with all. And yet, unlike Fisk, he pre- "A few of them." fers to work in the background, and never thrusts him- "Wal, I'm right glad for tew hear it. Dew yew know self forward for the sake of attracting public attention. this ere Tom Scott? " He is, however, quite as marked a man as you will en- "I have seen him." counter in a year's travel; and if a person once has those I'm darned glad tew hear it. You're the fust man I keen eyes fastened upon him, he cannot shake off the con- ever met who'd seen him. Everybody knows somethin' elusion that they belong to an extraordinary man-a man'bout Tom Scott, but I'll be hornswaggled if I ever got so to move people and millions. near tew him before. Now who i., this ere Tom ScottHe was riding on the Pennsylvania Central road one any lations tew the old Gineral? " day, seated alone by himself, deeply buried in thought, I guess not." when a hoosier farmer, who was also alone and itching "Wal, I'm thunderin' glad tew hear it; I allus liked for somebody to talk with, came along and took a seat the ole Gineral. I voted for him, I did, an' I howled for just ahead of him, and turning around, opened conver- him, too, yew bet. But who is this ere Tom Scott " he sation. persisted. Wal, stranger, putty long ride," said he. "Oh, about as good a looking man as you are." Mr. Scott looked up, and nodded as he would have done "Wal, that arn't sayin' much for him. But what kind had a fly lighted on his nose. of a man is he-,kind o'. libral like? "Putty nice kind of a country, this," he said, again re- Oh, moderately so," replied the great railroad king turning to the charge. resolved to humor the old fellow. Again Scott nodded. Wal, now, I'm right glad for tew hear it."' Going through to Philimiclink t" (Philadelphia.)'Why so? Another nod. "Cause I'm goin' for him when I get to Philimiclink. " Right smart town, that." I am, yew bet," said he, shaking his head. A look of acquiescence. "What for; perhaps I can assist you. " Live there? " " Wal, now, p'raps yew can. You see one of his darned 16 railroads runs through my farm, and he killed an old sow for me, an' left a litter of ten orphun pigs on me, an' the ole woman has got ter bring em up by hand.'. "That is bad." " Yew can jes bet on it, stranger; an' now I've managed i tcw squeeze a free pass out o' the company to Philimi- clink to see this ere Tom Scott, an' I'm right glad for tew find yew know him. Now, stranger, I kinder like yew; yew look kinder good an' smart, an' I don't mind tellin' yew that I'm comin' down on that are Tom Scott the wust way." "What do you propose doing " I "Wal, I'm some on the perthetic, I am; an' if I can only get at him, yew can't guess how I'll put the misery tew him. P'raps yew'll go up an' take a hand in with me; I don't mind payin' you well if yew'll only come the sorrowfal on the old cuss. I'll go in kind o' rough like, yew see, an9 yew foller me with the harrerin perthetics." Scott laughed in spite of himself. | -' We'll fix him. Git a hundred out o' him, sure pop." -' "' Do you think sow — }-"'I Oh, sure! Yew see, these ere railroad chaps don't. | -E A know the valye o' sows; besides, yew must come the orphun and b'reavement dodge on him. Tell him all about the lonesomeness of those little pigs'an the anxiety the old woman has in bringin' umn up by hand. Oh, we'll, |_.'stonish him with his sin in killin' honest people's sows.' In spite of Scott's preoccupied mind he could but giveE COMT I SCOTT # FIRST RAILROADING. HE COMMENCES AT AIR way to this old fraud and laugh at the ludicrousness of EARLY AGE AS " TRACK-WALKER" FOR FUN.'!'il] I the situation. He learned all of the particulars, and thenm 1i|^ 1; 1 giving him directions where to go in order to find Torm, Scott when he arrived in Philadelphia, he disengageda **II'' ^ llillil^1himself from the sow-mourner and sought another car,, k l smw bs'asII! "g Mpromising to be at Scott's office to assist him in coming' I II_____________[ ii lt __ ii__ (,- I I I_ [i_ _ i: In due time the hoosier found his way to the company's ~ _.1: I- office, and asked to see Mr. Scott. That gentleman had Igven orders to admit him at once, and the astonished "lli llli"Wal, dog my sisters cat, if I hain't put my foot intew man came near losing fat this timreat. Ih when Tom Scott wase." certaly bt m afraid I shant be able to et - _Illllllllll~lejj j you a hundred dollars for that sow," said he, laughing. _ ____ _ no more'bout it. " Thu nder annd whisky!" h ow I did put my Sott" he asked approachinglly for his de red sow, andk. I suppose I am, sir," re plhis home again and h as enW' "Wal, dog my sister's cat, if I hain't put my foot intewtoyed many a hearty laugh since tiehhop l e ewpense of SCOTT'S FIRST ADVENT ON A TRAIN OF CAr ly; but FIRST aithe old hoos who was sobe a bleou to know who et you a hundred dollars for that sow," said he, laughing. PASS JUST LIVELY E Mr. Scott, gin us hat's fair, an I'assay no more bout it. hunder an whisky, how I did put my foot in it!" ~ —------- ~t~ Mr. Scott paid him liberally for his murdered sow, and 17 SCOTT'S FIRST REGULAR EMPLOYIE ENT ON A RAILROAD WAS AS FLAGMAN. -HE DISTINGUISHED HIMSELF BY TWISTING THE TAIL OF A COW THAT INSISTED UPON TOSSNG. THE LOCOMOTIVEY THUS. SAVING THE LIFE OF THE ANIMAL AND SEVERAL LIVES ON THE TRAIN. THE PASSENGERS ADMIRED THE ACT AND RAISED A PURSE THAT ENABLED HIM TO GET A START IN LIFE, AND TO DEFEND HIMSELF AGAINST THE OWNER OF THE COWS WHO SUED HIM FOR TWISTING HER TAIL OUT OF JOINT. GATZMER AND HIS NEW CONDUCTOR. ductor having been transferred by a misplaced switch into realms where switches and broken rails are not. At EVERYBODY who has been "on the road," or who once came to Gatzmer a score of applicants of all degrees knows anything about Camden and Amboy, of course has of experience and ability, and some with no ability and heard of Win. H. Gatzmer, who for years, running into less experience. the scores, was the Superintendent of the Camden and A hard-looking customer, seedy, and with the indistinct Amboy Railway. His headquarters and general office reminiscence of a shirt collar-which, like a man with a was in the old brick building at the foot of Walnut street, loose leg, had a painful limp to it-a greasy cap, and a opposite the Camden Ferry. Gatzmer had been in his short stubble beard, slouched in, and stood himself up earlier days a printer, and long after he became the mon- before the " old man." Nrch over conductors, brakemen, and' sich," he had a " Well, sir! " said Gatzmer, glaring like a locomotive sneaking kindness for the craft. headlight upon the apparition. To him the " dead heads," chronic and occasional, were " Yes, I'm well, sir," easily replied the visitor. "You're compelled to come for their passes; and upon him they the souperentendent, ain't you?" charged pell-mell with all the tricks, traps, and odd " I am." dodges to bamboozle him out of those mysterious bits "Well, I heerd you're wantin' a new conductor, and I of paper which conductors were bound to respect. come to see." Up in his dingy office, himself seated at his desk, from "Do you understand a conductors duties. What road which he could look out through the windows upon the have you been on." broad river, its shipping, the ferry houses, and over be- " Well, I've been on the Camden road, the Germantown yond Smith's island upon the distant Jersey shore and road the-" Camden, he sat in state, dispensed " complimentaries," Not as a conductor." gave judgment upon conductors, considered the pro- Not adzackly. I druv the hosscars; wos hed brakemotion of brakemen, baggage-masters, and reviewed all man an' driver-" the complicated business of the great road to whose for- " That'll do; we don't want you; you don't know tunes he had devoted the better part of his life. enough to switch a sand train." One day it had been noised about that there was a " Switch! I don't? Well, it ain't ten minutes sence I chance for a conductorship on a " way train," the old con- switched off my Jim-pealed him-an —but I say, supe18 themes a nice cider mill o' yourn! " pointing to the letter 4 Well, if you won't'zamine me, all right; but you press. " Model, I spose. Got the paytent yit I No! mustn't blame me ef-" He was gone. Curus, aint it. Looks like it'd sqush the juce out'n a The superintendent seated himself at the table. door knob. Gurus! Whirl that thing around, then the flat " Good G-d! That package of bonds -eh?-my —my thing goes down, kinder screws itself-yes. Curus." As watch-chain cut!" A glance at the " cider press'"he thus, seemingly absorbed in contemplating the won- "' and! "derful contrivance, uttered his observations, he walked He rushed to the door, and down stairs. Too late. The. around behind the table, and in doing so awkwardly fellow was nowhere in sight. jostled against Gatzmer, who had then arisen, half angry Well," said he afterwards, when telling the story," 1 at the fellow's stupidity or insolence. thought that cuss was after a chance to rob the company " I beg pardon "-here he leisurely seated himself upon at so much a month, but I'm hanged if it isn't the ifn the corner of the table, and rested his broad hand upon a time I ever heerd of a candidate for conductor practising pile of papers and bills which lay upon the cloth. e I on the superintendent first." say, general, hadn't you better'zamine me, and see The applicant" was afterwards arrested, and proved whether I wouldn't do for the boss ticket shuffler on your to be one of the most adroit pickpockets and office thieves road?"' known to the police. 1 So, your'e up at last, you scounNo, sir, go out of here. There's the door. I'm busy," drel," said Gatzimer to him. cried the now thoroughly enraged superintendent. "Your'e "Yaas, said the thief, nonchalantly, and assuming the an idiot." drawl of the greeny, "Yaas, Gatz, and ef you'd only " Yaas;' and the visitor slowly backed towards the made me conductor, I'd a bin runnin' the whole road and door; "but hadn't you better'zamine me'fore I go; the State of Jersey on my own hook by this time. praps I-" How's that cider press''. " Leave the office! " thundered the old man. Yaas? said Greeny, opening the door; " but hedn't you better'zamine me. You can't tell, you know-" "Go." A BRAKEMAN'S DRY STORY. BRAKEMAN BROWN (now Conductor Brown), on the Grand Trunk road, gets off a yarn which he, as in duty /! \k1Aly~i,44AlN W_0 bound, swears is true-" Switch me off, if it isn't! "-concerning a countryman, who never before in the whole -/,"W'\:'I f::i,#i' course of his mortal career had beheld a railway train or';(,G isl-:' %;-?y'" locomotive. He loafed into the depot, and out upon the c9^ i',A^|__ ~ p~platform, leading, by about four feet of bed cord, a thin, -~N~x I r~!,\~ ~~ |loose-legged, flat-headed dog-one of those dogs which look like an accident nobody expected. He tackled the conductor. "Ready to start, elih" Yes," was the curt reply of that functionary. " l Where's the animiles hain't hitched in yit, I spose?" ~~ ~ "::t'[' c'. i iAnd he wandered up to the locomotive, and gazed at it, i:^R.A h'is eyes enlarging like saucers. " Shoh! " he said to the conductor, " kerry yer kitchen with yer, eh i Hefty load i|~ S~~>~ X\~ > ~ |that. How many critters does it take to yerk this eoncern eh?' u Twelve pair up hill, one hoss can take it down hill." \'~ ~ Shoh! what's the tax for a five mile ride, eh?" " Git aboard, said the engineer, t' and try it; twont,,, cost much." iti^i _ ~ (' ~t He loafed back, and was about entering a car, when the''..^...' conductor met him. "Can't take that dog in the cars, Can't; well what in thunder'11 I do with him; why BELIEVING THAT TIERE IS SOMETHING IN HIS HEAD OUT that air dog —" OF THE GENERAL RUN, HE GOES TO A PROFESSOR OF PERENO- "NO dogs in the cars, Sir." LOGY TO LEARN WHAT IT IS, AND WHAT LINE OF BUSINESS HIE IS BEST FITTED FOR. THE PROFESSOR SAYS THERE IS A DEAL;" Well, where do you ride?" After this poke at the OF "IRONY" IN HIS COMPOSITION, AND THAT HE HAS A GREAT official a brilliant idea struck him. He jerked the dog WAY OF "RAILING" AT THINGS. THIS SETTLED IT, AND SCOTr after him to td the rope fas AT ONCE BEcA:M A RaILRO N. after him to the rear car, and tied the rope fast to theN 19 Ai M P oF ^ne GRE /\ NOWH ERE 1 AN D.LE \ I RAILROADING BECOMES A MANIA WITH MR. SCOTT. HE OFTEN USED TO GET UP IN THE MIDDLE'OF THE NIGHT TO STUDY A RAILROAD-MAP AND TO PLAN NEW ENTERPRISES. lower part of the railing. " There, he can trot along be- The Beau, like his great prototype, Brummel, regarded hind just as well." mankind in the aggregate as a pigeon to be plucked, and a All aboard," shouted the conductor. he plucked accordingly. Greeny climbed into the car, and dropped into a seat. Hickman seemed to take unbounded delight in getting A clank-a start-a snort, and puff-puff-whiz! and the ahead of railroad men. If he could bamboozle a president train moved out of the depot and whirled away, Greeny, or a superintendent of a road, he was in ecstasy. The meanwhile, bestowing his special attention upon the ceil- Beau was a traveler, too. Want of cash never curtailed ing of the car and its fanciful painting. Presently the his trips; his futility in the invention of expedients and train slackened in speed, then stopped. Conductor shout- his unconquerable brass were equal to anybody else's ed, " Cross-roads-Forks-change cars for South Skunks- bank account. ille," and Greeny slouched out upon the platform, and Upon one occasion he took it into his head to visit Balmade for the end of the rear car, to which he had hitched timore. Of course, payment of fare was not considered. his dog. All he found attached to the rope was the dog' s one conductor who had an intense disgust of head and a fragment of his foreshoulder. the Beau, and the Beau knew it. He had upon three or "Je-whillikens! Well, I'm d —d. This is the four previous trips tricked the official in such a manner te:m I ever know'd to outrun that ar dog." And he left that remedy was impossible. He had to grin and bear it in disgust. in silence, or, by narrating how the Beau had beaten himn,...... —|- become the laughing-stock of the road That sort of stock HOW BEAU HICKMAN "FIXED" CONDUCTORist abovepa. BILL.. Well, off started the Beau forthe depot. Arriving thereo _____ he found his arch enemy and victim was the conductor THERE was an especial object of curiosity in Washing- under whose auspices he would have to travel or wait for ton, some years ago, and his name was Beau Hickman. | the next train. Waiting wasn't in.iemkgaas line, 20 "Now, see here, Hickman," said Bill-the conductor I can prove I bought my ticket," shouted Hickman, meeting him on the platform See here, are you going " and paid for it" on this train I " It'll be the first time, then, you ever paid for anything," "Certainly, sir," replied the Beau, with a jaunty twirl growled Bill. A moment after he leaned over to Hickof his cane, which riled Bill. man, and savagely whispered, " Hickman, you've beat me I Then all I've got to say is, you'd better get your ticket again, d —n you! Keep mum, and I'll say nothing." before you get aboard. You've played it on me three " But, my hat!" times already, and I'm d d if I'm going to be sold " You shall have a new one as soon as we get into Bal-:again, d'ye hear? " and then he added, as he turned away, timore-but, by the jumpin' Jupiter, if ever I catch you i Mind, now, Beau, I'll not take you if you don't, if I have on a train of mine, I 1 heave you off, ticket or no ticket, to drop you off in the middle of the Snake Swamp" if I'm hung for it! " Hickman sauntered toward the ticket office, stood around Next day, at Baltimore, Hickman, with his new silk until " All Aboard" was shouted, and then coolly took his " plug" gently careened over his right eye, had told seat in a rear car, hoisted the window, and prepared for everybody he met how he'd fixed "Bill." action-to beat the conductor In his hat-band he had But he didn't strike Bill's train again. placed a card, remotely resembling in size and color a railway ticket. "Tickets!" cried the conductor, entering the car' At once the Beau ran his head with- his hat on it out of the AN UMBRELLA JUMPER. window, and was apparently absorbed in an examination of the passing landscape. Along came the conductor' Tickets, gentlemen! OLD Sam Smith, an ex-conductor who belongs " West," Hickman, with his head and hat out of the window, tells a yarn of an old chap who got on a train on the Milheeded not the call. The conductor touched him on the waukie and Detroit road-while he, the veritable Sam, shoulder. was running it. " Come, now, Hickman-none of that!" Still Hickman The man had got on at Detroit, and just as the train remained, paid no attention, no more than if there was no was clear of the depot, and had begun to shake down to human being within a mile of him Again the conductor its work, at the rate of twelve miles an hour, up he nudged him, and again- bounced from his seat, as suddenly as if he had sat down "D -n it, ticket-Hickman, come now!" and he upon a pile of fish-hooks and needles, points upwards. grasped the Beau by the shoulder, and*gave him the rough- "Je-whillikens! " was his single exclamation, as he est sort of a shake. This was precisely what the Beau plunged wildly through the car, jerked open the door, and wanted. He suddenly jerked his head in, as if in a filrious darted out upon the platform. rage at being so unexpectedly assaulted, and in doing so, " Je-whillikens! " he repeated, and then leaped offoff went his hat-flying, but beyond all recovery, save by turning somewhere about forty somersaults, and whirling stopping the train, and going back after it about arms and legs promiscuously, until he brought up " Ticket, sir" breathless and somewhat flattened out against a board " Ticket be d — d! What do you mean? " roared Beau, fence. with a well-assumed appearance of rage and indignation, But he luckily escaped other injury than that of an un-' by insulting a gentleman in this manner! Ticket, eh! comfortable but thorough shaking up of his body corpoI had my ticket in the band of that new hat-cost me ten rate. dollars, which you,hook off my head by your unneces- The train was instantly slowed up-but the old man ary roughness " waved his hand, and shouted with what small amount of Bill was puzzled. As the Beau was drawing in his wind the concussion had. left in his lungs " Go on with head, and the hat was knocked off, he had caught a mo- yer wagon, I'm all straight." As the train started on, the mentary glance of something resembling a ticket stuck in passengers saw him walking back toward the depot. the band. Still he suspected a trick. In a short time he put in an appearance at that institu"Come, Hickman. You had no business with your- tion, looking all around, peering under the seats, into the "Come, Hickman. You had no business with your n head~~~7 ou o th widw Yo corners, and in all the old nooks inside and out. head out of the window. You must pay your fare 1 1 Suddenly he paused-his face assumed an expression of Then Hickman burst out. He appealed to the passen- extreme disgust, he slapped his hand upon his leg-and gers, two or three of whom-strangers to the Beau-assur- tering an expletive which for force and profnity would ed the conductor they had seen the ticket in his hat-band. have won the dmiration of a New York political rough, He dared him to put him off, defied him, swore he'd cor- exclaimed: plain to the superintendent, and that he'd have pay for " Thunderin' old fool that I am. I thought I'd left my his hat, if it took a ten years' law-suit umbrella in here, and I jumped off the keers and nigh Conductor Bill was dumbfounded, and to his intense upon broke my neck and now, cuss me, ef I don't rememdiscouragement he saw thatmany of the passengers, either ber chuckin' it in under the keer-seat. That's allus the for the joke of it or seriously, sided with the Beau. way when a feller's in a hurry and wants to git ahead" 2 I THE PRINCE ON " CHEEK." ment, and then came out, followed by her " old:man,1 whittling down a plug of dog-leg tobacco preparatory to THOSE who approached the late James Fisk, Jr., with- filling a black cob pipe over which his lips closed out thoroughly understanding his character and disposi- tightly. Following him came half-a-dozen light-headed tion, did so with a sort of fear and trembling-fear of youngsterso being instantaneously snubbed by the autocrat of all the Fisk leaped from his tinware throne to the gound. Eries, and trembling in doubt as to any favorable con- "Say!" began the old woman, savagely, holding up a sideration of their business, whatsoever it might be. large tin dish pan, which shone as bright as if it had just And he did sometimes snub people, and make others come from its maker's hands, " Say, mister, this here'l do probably as large an amount of trembling as they ever one of your pans. Don't deny it. And it's jest like all o' did before in the whole course of their natural lives. He your peddler traps, not worth the trouble it took to solder had a remarkable aptitude in reading, almost at a glance, it. Jest look at it." the real motives which actuated those with whom his The future Prince of Erie grasped the pan, carefully multifarious and gigantic schemes brought him in con- examined it inside and out. tact. Whether a man was right or wrong, he always ad- Why, ma'am, I don't see anything wrong in this pan. mired " spunk" in himo A man that's spunky generally It's heavy block tin, and as strong aj a hoss-trough." has nerve," was the Colonel's remark one day to a friend, Nothin' the matter with it! D'ye s'pose I'm green? " and nerve in these times is equal to a fortune." D'ye think, mister peddler, I don't know when I'm swin-'Nerve-spunk? Well, Colonel, what is nerve?' dled.. D'ye think my old man dunno? Er these ere young " Nerve! Why, d-n it, man, nerve is a' first-class uns, er Mrs. Skimmins an' her old man dunno, who said article of cheek-cheek, sir; and it'd carry the Angel ef they was me they'd make you pay for sich mean Gabriel straight through the lower regions without trickery, eh? Look at that ere pan agin, young fellar; scorching a hair. Nerve is cheek." hold it up to the light, an' tell me ef there's nothin' the " Then, Colonel, what do you call modesty? matter with it." ".Rushing up an alley way to dodge meeting a creditor He held it up to the light; he became aware of the who don't see you, " was the reply; " and a great many fact that there was a small, very small, hole in the shinof my acquaintances have an immense deal of that sort ing bottom of that otherwise perfect specimen of the tinof modesty. I'll lend a man ten dollars any time on his smith's productive genius, and he knew he had sold her cheek, for I can calculate pretty nearly that his cheek is that leaky pan which had aroused her indignation and a paying institution; but when he draws his face out as excited the ire of all the neighbors roundabout to whom long as a coffin-lid, and shivers and shakes, and stam- she had shown it. His reputation as an honest peddler Iners, and bows and scrapes, and comes all that, he don't was at stake. The trade of that road was imperiled; git much out of me, for he'll never have nerve-that's but the hole was exceedingly small. cheek-enough to meet me again." "And it ain't the first time, young man, you've tried And this brings us to our yarn, or rather to the Colonel's to poke your leaky traps onto us onto this road, and I yarn, which involves a pair of illustrations of his ideas of know it. There was Seth Bung's bucket and Aunt Sally the nerve which was most likely to carry a man through Paine's long-handled dipper, every one of'em hed holes safely and prosperously. into'em an' leaked like a haystack, an' you can't deny it. One day, late in the afternoon, in his younger days, Now, I want another pan for this right off, er I'll have the and perhaps long before he had ever dreamed of being law of you. My old man's cousin on his mother's side is famous either as a financier, railway king, or military a constable, an'-" chief, theatrical manager, and the prince of steamboat "Certainly ma'am, I'll change it if you want me to." men-long before even he thought of being speculator i:n Want you to!" she half shrieked. " Wa'al, that is salt and cotton, or an operator in drygoods, he was driv- cool." ing his peddler's wagon upon one of the country roads up "Yes, ma'am; but,"' said the prince, 6G I see you have in Vermont, when he was hailed by an old woman. She made a mistake-great mistake.' This is just the pan I stood in the door of the farm-house of which her " old did not intend to sell you. I knew that pan was-" man" claimed ownership. "W-h-a-t!" she cried Young man, do you mean, "Say, yeou! Mister, yeou!" she yelled. to tell me-'' " All right, ma'am," said Fisk, in his hearty, cheery Just this, ma'am." The ineffable coolness and cheek: tone, pulling up to the side of the road his load of tin- of the prince was appialling at this precise moment He ware and notions, rattling a jolly accompaniment to his was ready for any emergeney. "Just this, ma'am,' he voice as he did so-"4 All right, ma'am. What is it to- continued, " but I thought as I had sold it to you by misday, eh? Got some nice pie-pans-can't be beat —had take I'd not mention it, and give you the benefit of the'em made to order expressly for this road-dish-pans- bargain." muffin-rings, eh? No' Well, what is it, then, ma'am?" " W-h-a-t!' call that ere pan a bargain " The old woman disappeared into the house for a mo-' Yes, maa'am, I doo Ntow, see h.ee, that's sot ordinary.,,'.~' 22 common tin, that pan. It's the new kind of nickel-tin, tails, on which soup is suspended like dew on a shrub, and it's worth five dojlars-' it was short, thick, and black as a coal. His teeth had F-i-v-e w-h-a-t! Why, you oudashus-" A five-dol- not yet been turned by tobacco-smoke to the color of tolar dish-pan fairly took the old lady's breath a./ay. bacco-j uice; his clothes did not stick to nor hang on him,' Five dollars, ma'am. It was made expressly for they sat on him; he had an engaging smile, and, what I Judge Slocum, of Rutland. You see, ma'am, I'll exchange liked the dog for, his vanity, which was inordinate, was with you at once. That hole, ma'am, in the pan is made in its proper place; his heart, not in his face, jostling mine on purpose. It7s a small pan, or the hole in the bottom and other people's who have none; in a word, he was would be bigger. You see this new kind of tin is differ- what one oftener hears of than meets-a young gentleman. ent from common tin. Have you tried it yet?.He was conversing in an animated whisper with a corm " To be sure I hey. I put a gallon of well water into panion, a fellow-officer; they were talking about what it it, clean, jest out of the well." is far better not to do-woman. Our friend clearly did not " Exactly. This tin mustn't be used that way, ma'am. wish to be overheard, for he cast, ever and anon, a furtive You must irst fill it with hot water' You see this new glance at his fair is-cd-vis and lowered his voice. She kind of tin swells with hot water. That hole is put seemed completely absorbed in her book, and that reasthere to allow for the swell. The heat expands the sured him. At last the two soldiers came down to a whismetal, the hole fills up, and then there's never any loose- per, and in that whisper (the truth must be told) the one ness or snappin' to the bottom. But 111 take it back who got down at Rye, and was lost to posterity, bet ten and give you another, and i'm much obliged to you for dollars to three that he who was going down with us to hailing me. You see-" Bath and immortality, would not kiss either of the ladies No." The old woman's desire to take advantage of opposite upon the road. Done! Done!" Now, I am what she imagined was to the peddler's loss was too sorry a man I have hitherto praised should have lent himstrong to be resisted. "Nickel-tin, eh? Swells, eh? self, even in a whisper, to such a speculation; but " noJudge Slocum, so! Hot water first, shoh! Five dollars? body is wise at aill hours," not even when the clock is Jingoe, the jedge must be a high liver. Them jedges striking five-and-twenty; and you are to consider his allers is expensive. Young man, I'll take your word; profession, his good looks, and the temptation-ten to but ef you fool me, an' my old man's a witness, I'll take three. the law of you." After Rye the party was reduced to three. At the Jim drove on, and never happened to hear that "' old" next station one lady dropped her handkerchief; Captain lady hailing him again. Dolignan fell on it like a tiger and returned it like a lamb; " There," said he, "that nilckel-tin job was nerve- two or three words were interchanged on that occasion. cheek! At Reading the hero of our tale made one of the safe investments of that day; he bought a Times and a WILD OATs; the latter was full of steel-pen thrusts and woodA TNNEL SK H cuts, Valor and beauty deigned to laugh at some inflated TUNNEL humbug or other punctured by WILD OATS. Now, laughing together thaws our human ice; long before another THE 10.15 train glided from the city. In the left corn- talkingt who so devoted partment of a certain first-class carriage were four passen- a Captain Doia -he handed them outhe souped gers; of these, two were worth description. The lady them-he tough-chickened them — he brandied and cockhad a smooth, white, delicate brow, strongly-marked eye- tailed one and he brandied and burnt-s-gared the other, brows, long lashes, eyes that seemed to change color, and on their return to the carriage, one lady passed into the a good-sized, delicious mouth, with teeth as white as milk. innercompartment to inspect a certain gentleman's seat A man could not see her nose for her eyes and mouth; her on that side the line. own sex could and would have told us some nonsense Reader, had it been you or I, the beauty would have about it. She wore an unpretending grayish dress, but- been the deserter; the average one would have staid with toned to the throat with lozenge-shaped buttons, and a us till al was blue, ourselves included; not more surely Scotch shawl that agreeably evaded the responsibility of does our slice of bread and butter, when it escapes from color. She was like a duck, so tight her plain feathers o hd, revolve it ever so often, alight face downward fitted her; and there she sat, smooth, snug, and delicious, o the carpet. But this was a bit of a fop, Adonis, drawith a book in her hand and a soupo:z of her snowy wrist goon-so Venus remained in tete-a-tete with him. You just visible as she held it. Her opposite neighbor was ave seen a dog meet an unknown female of his species; what I call a good style of man-the more to his credit, how handsome, how empresse, how expressive he becomes.. since he belonged to a corporation that frequently turns Such was Dolignan after Reading, and, to do the dog jusout the worst imaginable style of young man. He was a tice, he got handsomer and handsomer; and you have cavalry officer, aged twenty-five. He had a mustache, seen a cat conscious of approaching cream - such was but not a repulsive one; not one of those sub-nasal pig- Miss EHaythorn; she became demurer a id dem rrer pres23 A LOT OF OLD FOGIES, HAVING BUST UP A RAILROAD, THINK THEY HAVE GOT A SOFT TI-IZNG ^ IN SELLIUG OUT TO MR. SCOTT AT A VERY LOW FIGURE. ently our captain looked out of window and laughed; Dolignan-(moving to her-, side). "Pr:ay, do not be this elicited an inquiring look from Miss Haythorn. "We alarmed, I am near you." are only a mile from the Tunnel." Miss Haythorn. — " You ar e near me, very near me, inDo you always laugh a mile from the Tunnel?" said deed, Captain Dolignan. the lady. Dolignan.-" You know my name! Invariably.: Miss Haythorn. —" I heard your friend mention it. I " What for?" wish we were out of this dark place." "Why-hem! it is a gentleman s joke." Dolignan.-" I could be content to spend hours here " Oh, I don't mind it's being silly, if it makes me laugh. reassuring you, sweet lady." Captain Dolignan, thus encouraged, recounted to Miss Miss Haythorn.-" Nonsense! " Haythorn the following: " A lady and her husband sat Dolignan.-" Pweep!" (Grave reader, do not put your together going through the Tunnel there was one lips to the cheek of the next pretty creatuare you meet, or gentleman. opposite e; it was pitch darlk; after the Tunnel you will understand what this mleans.) the lady said, I George, how absurd of you to salute mne Miss Haythorn.-" Ee! Ee! Ee! going through the Tunnel! -' I did no such thing!'- Friend.-"What is the matter? " A You didn't1' No! why?' — Why, because somehow Miss Haythor.- Open the door! open the do:r! I thought you didc! n l Here Captain Dolignan laughed, There was a sound of hurried whispers, the door was and endeavored ad his companion to laugh, but it shut and the blind plled down with hostile sharpness. was not to be do. e otrain entered the Tunnel. If any critic falls on me for putting inarticlate sounds Mi Haythorn.u Ahalay in a mialogue as above, I anwer with al the insa Dolence I Dolian. What is the mat ter Doign can command at present, Hit boys as bi a yourself""Inviably.' Miss Hythaythorn- I am itebigger, perhas, uch as Sophocles, Euripide and Arist. I Mi/P*ss 2Haythorn.~'~ I am 4,Lgtee, " bigger, perhap% cix s s Sophoese Eu~dpide% and g~rist~ BUT IMAGINE THE FEELINGS OF THE EX-PRESIDENT ON READINGS A FEW DAYS AFTERWARDS? MTAT THE BONDS WERE SELLING AT NINETY CENTS WITH ACCRUED INTEREST, PAYABLE SEMI-ANNUALLY IN I'' H ill ll l i THIE BONDS WERE SELLING AT NINETY CENTS. WITH ACCRUED INTEREST, PAYABLE SEMI-ANNUALLY IN GOLD. phanes; they began it, and I learned it of them, ore but with it some moral poker, which made it as impossible against my will. for Major Hoskyns to descend to an ungentlemanlike word Miss Haythorn's scream lost part of its effect because or acton as to brush his own trousers below the knee. the engine whistled forty thousand murders at the same Captain Dolignan told this gentleman his story in gleemoment; and fictitious grief makes itself heard when real ful accents; but Major Hoskyns heard him coldly, and as cannot. coldly answered that he had known a man lose his life for Between the Tunnel and B our young friend had the same thing. " T7iat is nothing," continued the Major, time to ask himself whether his conduct had been marked "i but unfortunately he deserved to lose f-.." by that delicate reserve which is supposed to distinguish At this the blood mounted to the younger man's temples, the perfect gentleman. and his senior added: " I mean to say he was thirty-five; With a long face, real or feigned, he held open the door you, I presume, are twenty-one! -his late friends attempted to escape on the other side- "Twenty-five," impossible! they must pass him. She whom he had in- That is much the same thing; will you be advised by suited (Latin for kissed) deposited somewhere at his foot me? " a look of gentle, blushing reproach; the other, whom he " If you will advise me." had not insulted, darted red-hot daggers at him from her " Speak to no one of this, and send White the $3.00, eyes, and so they parted. that he may think you have lost the bet." It was, perhaps, fortunate for Dolignan that he had the "That is hard, when I won it!' grace to be friends with Major Hoskyns of his regiment — a " Do it for all that, sir." veteran laughed at by the youngsters, for the Major was Let the disbelievers in human perfectability know that too apt to look coldly upon billiard-balls and cigars; he this dragoon capable of a blush did this virtuous action, had seen cannon-balls and linstocks. He had also, to tell albeit with violent reluotance: and this was his first the truth, swallowed a good bit of the mess-room poker, damper. A week aft;er these events he was at a ball. He 25 Was in that state of factitious discontent which belongs to ened by this, he begged to know whether or not a life of us amiable Yankees. He was looking, in vain, for a lady distant, unpretending devotion would, after a lapse of equal in personal attractions to the idea he had formed years, erase the memory of his madness-his crime. of George Dolignan as a man, when suddenly there glided " She did not know!" past him a most delightful vision! a lady whose beauty " She must now bid him adieu, as she had some preparand symmetry took him by the eye-another look: " It ations to make for a ball where everybody was to be." can't be-yes, it is! " Miss Haythorn! (not that he knew They parted, and Dolignan determined to be at the ball her name!) but what an apotheosis! where everybody was to be. He was there, and after The duck had become a pea-hen-radiant, dazzling, she some time he obtained an introduction to Miss Haythorn, looked twice as beautiful and almost twice as large as be- and he danced with her. Her manner was gracious. fore. He lost sight of her. He found her again. She With the wonderful tact of her sex, she seemed to have was so lovely she made him ill-and he, alone, must not commenced the acquaintance that evening. That night, dance with her, speak to her. If he had been content to for the first time, Dolignan was in love. I will spare the begin her acquaintance the usual way, it might have reader all a lover's arts, by which he succeeded in dining ended in kissing; but, having begun with kissing, it must where she dined, in dancing where she danced, in overend in nothing. As she danced, sparks of beauty fell from taking her by accident when she rode. His devotion her on all around, but him-she did not see him; it was followed her even to church, where our dragoon was reclear she never would see him-one gentleman was par- warded by learning there is a world where they neither ticularly assiduous; she smiled on his assiduity; he was polk nor smoke-the two capital abominations of this,ugly, but she smiled on him. Dolignan was surprised at one. his success, his ill-taste, his ugliness, his impertinence. He made acquaintance with her uncle, who liked him, Dolignan at last found himself injured. " Who was this and he saw at last, with joy, that her eye loved to dwell man? and what right had he to go on so? He had never upon him, when she thought he did not observe her. kissed her, I suppose," said Dolly. Dolignan could not It was three months after the Tunnel affair, that Capprove it, but he felt that somehow the rights of property tain Dolignan called one day upon Captain Haythorn, were invaded. He went home and dreamed of Miss Hay- U. S. N., whom he had met twice in his life, and slightly thorn, and hated all the ugly successful. He spent a fort- propitiated by violently listening to a cutting-out expedinight trying to find out who this beauty was-he never tion; he called, and in the usual way asked permission to could encounter her again. At last he heard of her in pay his addresses to his daughter. The worthy Captain this way: a lawyer's clerk paid him a little visit and straightway began doing quarter-deck, when suddenly he commenced a little action against him- in the name of was summoned from the apartment by a mysterious mesMiss Haythorn, for insulting her in a railway train. sage. On his return he announced, with a total change The young gentleman was shocked; endeavored to of voice, that, "It was all right, and his visitor might soften the lawyer's clerk; that machine did not thoroughly run alongside as soon as he chose." My reader has dicomprehend the meaning of the term. The lady's name, vined the truth; this nautical commander, terrible to the however, was at least revealed by this untoward incident; foe, was in complete and happy subjugation to his from her name to her address was but a short step; and daughter, our heroine. the same day our crestfallen hero lay in wait at her door, As he was taking leave, Dolignan saw his divinity and many a succeeding day, without effect. But one fine glide into the drawing-room. He followed her, observed afternoon she issued forth quite naturally, as if she did it a sweet consciousness which encouraged him; that conevery day, and walked briskly on the nearest promenade. sciousness deepened into confusion-she tried to laugh, Dolignan did the same, he met and passed her many cried instead, and then she smiled again; and when he times on the Ramble, and searched for pity in her eyes, kissed her hand at the door, it was d George," and " Mabut found neither look nor recognition, nor any other rian," instead of Captain this, and Miss the other.. Areasentiment; for all this she walked and walked, till all sonable time after this (for my tale is merciful and skips the other promenaders were tired and gone —-then her formalities and torturing delays), these two were very culprit summoned resolution, and, taking off his hat, wit happy-they were once'more upon the railroad, going to a voice tremulous for the first time, besought permission enjoy their honeymoon all by themselves. Marian Doligto address her. She stopped, blushed, and neither ac- nan was dressed just as before-duck-like, and delicious; knowleged nor disowned his acquaintance. He blushed, all bright except her clothes; but George sat beside her stammered out how ashamed he was, how he deserved to this time instead of opposite; and she drank him in be punished, how he was punished, how little she knew gently from under her long eye-lashes. A Marian," said how unhappy he was; and concluded by begging her not George, " married people should tell each other all. Will to let all the world know the disgrace of a man who was you ever forgive me if I own to you-no —-" already mortified enough by the loss of her acquaintance. Yes! yes! She asked an explanation; he told her of the action that'Well, then! you reLmember the Tunnel" (this was the had'been commenced in her name: she gentlyshrugged her first allusion he had ventured to it); I au m ashamed shouilders, and said, " How stupid they are!" Embold- ] to say I had bet $3 to $0I with Wh itt, I woIAd kiss one " SCOTT'S TACTICS." WHEN SCOTT EXTENDS HIS TRACKS THROUGHI AN INDIAN COUNTRY~ HE DON7T REQUIEE A UNITED STATES ESCORT OF SOLDIERS, BUT HE GIVES THE MEN ALL THE "FIRE-WATER THEY WANT, AND THE SQUAWS HOOP-SKILRTS AND CHIGNONS, AND EVERYTHING IS LOVELY. IT'S ALL BECAUSE HE UNDERSTANDS HUMAN NATURE AND ITS LITTLE WEAKNESSES. A( 1 mo - mi~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~j;;~ c-2~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~,"Nl~i ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~_ 12 — A ~ ~ CT'STCTC. WHNSOTEXED I TAK HOUHA NIA ONRHEDITRQUR NTE TTSESOTO' MENALLTI L CIGONS AY EVRYTIN HEGIESTH11 "FIE-AER17THY AN AD H SUAS OO-SIRS N ITSAL-BCUEH UDRTIT-SHMNNAUE&DIT ITEWEKES _ i GETTING AT THE MEAT OF THE NUT. Interviewer. -. MR. SCOTT, HOW DO YOU ACCOUNT FOR YOUR GREAT SUCCESS? Y fMr. Scott.-" BRAINS AND.MONEY, AND THE SHORT-SIGHBTEDNESS,? OT CHERS.,o of you two ladies;" and George, pathetic externally, AN ANXIOUS INQUIR ER.r chuckled within. " I ]Iknow that, George; I o-verheard you," was the de- IF all railroad travelers would inquire their destination mnure reply. as thoroughly as this Irishman set out to, they would not " Oh, you overheard me! impossble." be apt to be carried by. It is better, however, not to' And did you not hear me whisper to my companion make all the inquiries of one person. I made a bet with her."' Two Pittsfield lawyers journeying from Springfieldy *' You made a bet, how singular! W That was it 1 2 Mass., westward, a few days since, happened to sit in front "( Only a pair of gloves, George.:" oof a foreigner and his [wife who were little versed in'Yes, I know, but what about? I" American travel, and fearful of going wrong. At the " That, if youdid, you should be my husband, dearest." first station the foreigner interrupted the lawyers' con" Oh!-but stay-then you could not have been so very versation with: angry with me, love; why, dearest, then who brought M What place is this, sir I9 that action against me? " West Springfield,' was the bland reply. Mrs. Dolignan looked dow. In a short time the train stopped again, ani again the " I was afraid you were forgetting me! George, you question will never forgive me "?' What place is this, sir?" Sweet angel, why, here is the Tunnel!' Westfield," said the lawyer. Now, reader-ie! -no! no such thing! You can't ex- Russell, Huntington, Chester, Beckett, Washington and peet to be indulged in this way every time we come to a Hinsdale each brought out the same inquiry, which each dark place-besides, it is not the thing. Consider, two time received reply, though the blandness gradually dissensible married people-no such phenomenon, I assure appeared. you, took place. No scream issued in hopeless rivalry of As the train approached Dalton the foreigner leaned the engine-this time. over to ask the inevitable question, when he was interruptedwith: " See here, my man, where are you going? If you'll let me know I'll tell you when to leave the train." THE Indian language is noted for its melody, and no " Where am I goin'?'? said the foreigner. " Faith, I'm one that has ever conversed with the noble savage in his goin7 to Omaha; an' is it the next place " native wilds can ever forget the eloquent harmony of its gutturals. A writer has discovered that the word love, A CANADIAN lunatic recently took a little child in a in the Indian language, is spelled thus-" Sehemmenda- skiff and started for the falls, as he said, on a voyage to mearchewayer." What girl could resist the importuni- heaven, being an angel sent for the child. The father got ties of a man who informed her he had a good deal ofthat his rifle and went gmunuing for that "' angel," and stopped for her? him just in time to prevent his clhld from being made one. 28 lllh T~zj!i~~i, ft1. I ti~~~~~~~~~~~itll R N // till~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~\ IN'a~~~~~~~.'....c i i 1/, OeI~~~ li ~~~I 1K0~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~1 di~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Hl lffil z'il Eii`11111/ TOM SCOTT'S NIGHTMARE. THE ONLY THING THAT TROUBLES THE GREAT RAILROAD KING IS A NIGHTMARE, WHICH OFTEN COMES UPON HIM, WHEREIN COMMODORE VANDERBILT, ON A THUNDERING FORTY-TON LOCOMOTIVE, AS REPRESENTED ABOVE, SEEMS TO BE ON THE POINT OF DASHING UPON HIM; BUT2 AS SCOTT IS THE YOUNGER MAN OF TIHE TWOt IT IS PROBABLE HE WILL GET OVTER THIS TROUBLE IN TIME. BUYING ERIE. to order here. It would only be on a par with other things that they tell about us. I'll give'em all they want As the Prince of Erie was seated in his office one day, a if they come to me to make a point." tall, cadaverous specimen of humanity called upon him, and at once opened communication. ARN'T things getting somewhat mixed here in New " Mr. Fisk, I like the way you are managing the Erie York? Steal a man's watch, and get caught, you will be road, I like you, and I want to get mixed up with you, sent to state prison for ten or fifteen years; murder him somehow; and having a few thousand to expend, I think in cold blood, and you can escape with two years and a I will buy some shares of Erie stock." half! Fisk was in the habit of measuring people before he allowed them to approach too near, and he at once con- SMITH's THANKSGIVING TURKEY.-The raw Irish girl eluded that this man had a " point" to make. up at Smith's undertook to cook the turkey for them' All right. The shares are selling at forty. How on Thanksgiving day. Not being accustomed to such many will you take? " he asked at length. tasks, she not only omitted to' draw" the bird, but she " Let me have a thousand." boiled it in the utensil which had held the indigo on wash" Correct. Here, Tom, have you any stock printed ing day. When the turkey came to the table, Smith said off 1 " he thought there was something peculiar about its appear"No sir." ance, and his suspicions respecting its taste were con" Well, set the press right to work, and print off a firmed when he ate a piece of the breast. Mrs. Smith thousand for this gentleman." suggested that the bird might not have been in good " What?" said the would-be buyer, with mouth and health, and Smith himself admitted that he had heard eyes agape. "' Do you print stock to order?" that the poultry were afflicted with ornicephalzymosis, " Oh, yes; we l eep a press on purpose." and that was the reason why so many of the eggs they " Well, I have got to go out and see a man, and I will got from the grocer's were spoiled. But Smith's mothercall again by the time they are printed,' saying which he in-law pursued her investigations farther, and things bowed himself out. were exceedingly animated and sensational for that exile " That settled him. He's got all the shares in Erie he of Erin in the kitchen that afternoon. She is now lookwants," said the jolly prince, laughing. " Now, see if we ing for a place. Her terms are four dollars a week, every don't have it reported in the paper that we print shares Thursday holiday and her Sunday out twice a week. 41 * =. THE PRINCE OF ERIE AND AN INTEIRVI WERo 30 JEM FISK AND THE BLACKMAILERO A BAD HEADWAY. He listened to the scandalous narrative until it was._- done, without saying a word. A FEW years ago, when Jem Fisk was in " hot water," "That is it'" said the fellow, folding up his ilmuuscript. and his official as well as his domestic relations were "Well, what of it?" asked Fisk, calmly. being handled pretty freely through the papers, he was " This article will command a good price from any visited one day in his private office by a literary Bohemian paper in the city. What do you propose to pay for it "' -a ghoul in search of blood. He managed to pass the " Well, my blackmailing friend," said he, rising and several sentries who marked the several outposts to the approaching the fellow. " If you will have it published Prince of Erie's " inner of inners," and appeared before in all the papers, and give it a wide circulation, I will him7l. pay you handsomely for it. Now git!" and opening the Jem took his measure at a glance. door of his offiee, he assisted the ghoul out of the room "Well, sir, what can I do for you? " he asked. with his patent leathers, which operation his sentinels I would like a few minutes' conversation with you, if were not slow in following suit on; and it took but a few yon please. " " passes" to land him on the sidewalk. "Make it as few as possible, for time is precious," re- That article never appeared in print. plied the prince, motioning him to a chair. " Mr. Fisk, I am a journalist. I write for several of the principal dailies. I have here the manuscript account of A DETROIT fellow tried to kiss a girl, when she turned your introduction to Josie Mansfield; of her influence upon him and bit his cheek. The doctor had to burn it over you, and, through you, the Erie road, together with with caustic, and otherwise treat it as if he had been bitseveral anecdotes of your sudden rise, and sharp dealing l ten by a mad dog. We put this forth as a warning to the with Daniel Drew. Shall I read it?" young men who read this book. But we suppose it will Fisk looked at the unblushing scoundrel for a moment, do little or no good. Probably each one thiks that the in mute surprise. At length he said, Yes, proceed." j girls of his acquaintance won't bite. 31 I would like a few minutes' conversation with you, if were not slow in following suit ou; and it took but a few-~~~~~lil You, Please. passes 11 to laInd him on the sidewalk. I i~'Stake it as few as possible for time is precious 711're-~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ii over 2 fith wth custi, andothewise reatit~a if ehdbeWbt P~,i~rA ~xc"dn ai-nF-4 — I,- rx.-in;i The only original, first-class Humorous /llustrated Paper published in this country. ILLUSTRATED PROFUSELY BY THE BEST ARTISTS IN THE UNITED STATES AMONG ITS Contributors are e e of the best Humorous and Satirical writers in the world. SIXTEEN PAGES OF ORIGINAL, ENTERTAINING MATTER. Hits at persons and events of the day! Always alive! always welcome! always incisive! and always full of something worth buying, WILD OA'cS has now entered ucuat6sful11y upon the fourtl year of its existence, and numbers to-day among its readers the best men and women of the country. It is, in all respects, a family paper, contaniniag no word, illustration or allusion that the most fastidiomi could take exception to. It has a larger circulation than the combined humorous papers of the country, and is steadily on the increase. 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