DS
685.C72


A   843,653




r. Iy  r.. 
I~C
r  I
0      & 
^^RA




I k,
i
















MY PHILIPPINE
REMEMBRANCES




MY PHILIPPINE
REMEMBRANCES
CLARENCE COLMAN


1014 MERCHANTS EXCHANGE BUILDING
SAN FRANCISCO, CALIFORNIA






Here he is, folkst Juan de la Cruz, cochero.
Backbone and mainstay of the Phillppine
nation Always laughing, he cruelly a uses
his faithful pony.
Juan, this book is yours! "Sigue!l Siguet
Sigue"




0 S'
L q!50
i4 ( II1


Copyright, 1923
by Clarence Colman




j Challenge
The sole purpose of this little volume is to
memorialize humorously a few of the happenings of the "New Error." Just a bit of funning, so to speak.
The style of writing, and I defiantly call
it a style, is the one I used under the nom
de typewriter "La Petite Moutarde," while
writing Society Chat for Colman's Weekly,
Manila.
It has been a joy for me to live again the
days of "Mafiana," and if these remembrances bring a smile, however faint, I shall
feel my efforts have indeed met with success.
CLARENCE COLMAN.




I




(fy PPhilippine Remembrances


SUCH joy! Such bliss! Such a feeling of exquisite dejeuner!
I am happy! I am joyous! I am delirious with excitement!
FORI have heard from my friends of Manila.
FOR I have heard from my friends of Manila.
AND they have asked me to take my pen in hand.
0 o 0
WHICH of course I cannot do.
0 o o
FOR the reason that my typewriter is more handy.
0 o 0
AND transcribe for them the intimate happenings of the
many days I spent in the land of vales and smells
as well as politicos.
0 o 0
I refer to that so democratic Manila.
0 o o
MADE safe for the Nacionalistas by that epicure, that
dilettante, that immaculate Francis Burton Harrison.
0 o o
DEAR Little Lord Fauntleroy.
0 o o
So naive. So recherche. So utterly free from noblesse oblige.
0 o 0
NEVER will it be given to me to forget the day of his arrival
at the sun-kissed, cloud-burst City of Maiiana.
0 o o
IT was October. AND the sixth.
[1]




MY    P H I L I P P I N E    R E M E M B RAN C E S


THE year was nineteen hundred.
AND thirteen.
AND thirteen.
UNLUCKY number! Most unfortunate day!
0o  0
FOR the dear office holders of Republican ancestry.
0 o 0
His march from Pier 3 to the Luneta may well be likened
to the victorious return of Caesar from Gaul.
0 o o
SAVE for one most pregnant interpolation.
0 o 0
OUR Caesar brought with him his own Gaul.
0 o 0
WHICH proved to be galling in the extreme to the good
Americans of our far-away outpost.
0 o 0
PROBABLY the most social event of the arrival was the headgear of President Wilson's ambassador of Democracy.
0 o 0
WHICH was a silk hat. TRULY a costume en regle.
0 o 0
HARDLY comme il faut among the good people of the Orient.
0 o 0
YET strictly haut ton on Fifth Avenue, Nueva York.
0 o 0
SEVERAL weeks later I was told, in the strictest of confidence, that the silk hats worn by the welcoming
officials had all been borrowed for the occasion.
0 o o
AND from none other than the British consulate.
[2]




MY    P H I L I P P INE  R E M E M B R A N C E S


WHICH was thought a bit topping.
ELL do I remember the comments of the New York
WELL do I remember the comments of the New York
Journal upon the appointment of my cher Burton.
0 o o
THIS so satirical paper editorially mentioned that as a
Governor General my Frank would be a perfectly
admirable cotillion leader.
0 o0 
WHICH prediction did not bear fruit. Altho it may be
said contemporaneously speaking.
0 o 0
AND in a freesome spirit of fromage. Our ambassador of
hope and Independencia.
o o o
DID lead the good people of Islas Filipinas a somewhat
merrie dance.
0 o 0
DEAR, darling Terpsichore!
o o0
OF course you must know that it would be impossible
to reminisce.
00 0
WITHOUT a mention of that so Lincolnesque Hen MartinVice Governor in name.
0 o 0
WITH but one vice in fact. Yet so perfectly had dear Hen
mastered his control.
0O 00
THAT he was able with but little effort.
0O 00
To sit at his desk in the classic halls of Ayuntamiento.
With both feet on the mahogany.


[3]




MY  PHILIPPINE   R E M E M B R A N C E S


AND turning his head with great naivete.
0 o 0
ALBEIT with consummate grace and ease. To make his
bull's-eye.
0 o 0
RIGHT into the centre of the bamboo cuspidor, ten paces
hence.
0 o 0
IT seems a pity.
0 o o
DEAR Democratic Hen!
o o o
WHO came from the far-away cornfields of Kansas-to
superintend the education of our young idea.
0 o o
ONE wit of the village once said of Henderson.
0 o o
"HE has a Lincoln chassis but the mental machinery of a
Ford."
0 0 0
I thought that unkind. As well as hurtful.
0 o 0
NEVER will I forget the opening address of the Vice
Governor, upon the occasion of the Teachers'
Assembly at Baguio.
0 0 0
HE spoke before the Filipino educators. Stiff and uncomfortable in his store collar.
0 0 0
AND as he stood there, his broad forehead gleaming, I
pictured him at home in Marion, Kansas.
00 0
OF a Sunday afternoon, sitting with his kind
[4]




MY    P H I L I P P INE    R E M E M B R A N C E S


at the corer grocery.
0 o 0
ARGUING about prohibition or the chances for a good crop.
0 o 0
AND my thoughts wandered to Washington, D. C., not
George.
00 0
AND I wondered just what practical joke M. Woodrow
Wilson had in mind.
O 0 o
WHEN he signed the papers appointing Hen.
0 o 0
BUT I travel from the beaten path.
0 o 0
NOT for me is it to marvel at the vagaries of our Great,
nor to become restive o'er political rhapsodies.
0 o o
DEAR Mr. Martin concluded his memorable address that
sunshiny day at Baguio.
0O 00
BY exclaiming with all the fervor at his command.
0 o 0
"I want you to know I'm for you. I'm for you as strong as
horse-radish."
o o o
IT was thrilling. It was eloquent. It was a moment of
rara avis.
0 o 0
THAT night at dinner it was recorded that eighty-nine
Filipino spreaders of knowledge.
0 o0 
CAUSED almost a riot among the Igorot waiters.
[5]




MY  PHIL I P P I N E  R E M E M B R A NCES


BY ordering horse-radish.
o o O
BUT the Democratic side of the Kansan statesman was
delicious.
( O O
ALWAYS ready to divest himself of coat and vest. Homely
in manner. Approachable of mien.
o o o
SUCH a bon vivant! So clever a raconteur! Ready always
to let it be known.
0 0
THAT for years he had been standing on the outer fringe of
the political menage.
0 0
WAITING, hoping, watching.
o o o
AND now safely on the pay roll, no wild extravagances
for him.
o o o
CAREFUL, saving, frugal.
o o o
WITH one eye on the political tide. So that the future
would make it possible for him to return to
his native habitat.
o o o
WITH sufficient of the wherewithal of life.
oo
To purchase for himself and kin the handsomest and
most fertile ground in all Kansas.
000
TRULY a great departure from the spirit of the men who
earlier came to the Philippines to give their all
that the Good Name and Honor of
[6]




MY  P H I L I P P INE  REMEMBRANCES


America might be upheld.
HOWEVER, it would not be fair to Monsieur Martin if
HOWEVER, it would not be fair to Monsieur Martin if
one failed to mention the episode of the
British Consul.
0 o o
FOR when one records the flights of time it should behoove
one to remember good deeds.
0 o 0
IT would not do for one to be thought prejudiced in one's
statements regarding one's victims.
0 o 0
To return to the emissary of His Majesty the King.
0 o 0
WHEN one contemplates the make-up and layout of some
of the consular representatives of Great Britain.
0 o 0
ONE no longer marvels at the favorite English expression,
"God save the King."
0o 0
IF my memory fails me not it was during the earlier days
of the Great World War.
0 o o
WHEN Americans considered themselves neutral.
0 o o
ALTHO by many others they were thought neuter.
0 o o
OUR dear Hon. Governor General was busily engaged
with his care-free brother Archibald.
0 o o
HUNTING tigers in India on one of his never-ending
vacations.
[7]




MY    PHILIPPINE           R E M E M B R A N C E S
AND the British colony was happily playing its glorious
game of Blacklist.
o o o
THIS consisted of denying freight space to those inimical
to the allied cause.
o o o
AND also permitted the exclusion of those whose business
might encroach upon that of the masters of the game.
0 0
IT would appear, so goeth the story, that a certain French
firm of Manila.
o o o
HAD in its employ an American citizen handicapped by a
German-sounding name.
o o o
THIS certain French firm, so memory dictates, enjoyed a
most prosperous business.
o o
MUCH of it due to the clever energy of the aforesaid
Germanic-named American.
o o
AND SO the Blacklisters struck.
o 0 o
THE French firm was notified with diplomatic regrets
and Anglo-Saxon finesse.
o o o
NOT unmixed with esprit de corps.
o o o
THAT the American must go.
o o o
THERE was wailing, weeping and gnashing of teeth, which
availed naught.
[8]




MY    PHILIPPINE           REMEMBRANCES
BUT the American happened to be a Major in the United
States Reserve Army.
0 o 
ALTHO at that moment the United States with
great reserve.
ad no army.
Had no army.
AND he told his story to one Henderson Martin of Marion,
Kansas.
0 000
HE told it well.
0 o o
THE Acting Governor General.
o o o
ACTED.
000 
DOWN came his feet from their favorite resting place.
On came his coat of white drill.
0 o o
THEN carefully from his hip pocket, our hero took his cut
of Star.
0 o 0
BIT himself off a mighty quid. Called his cochero.
0o 00
AND drove in state to the office of the British Consul.
0 o o
IT is recorded in my memory that Hen stalked into the
consular room.
0 o 0
AND let it be known in no uncertain tones that he had
business of urgency.
[9]




MY    P H I L I P P INE    R E M E M B R A N C E S


THE Consul was downtown shopping. Hen, nothing loath,
went down to the Escolta.
o o
AND there found the blacklisting representative of the
King of England purchasing tooth paste at the
German Dispensary.
0 0
"SAY, you!" said our American diplomat. "You lay off
American citizens with your damn blacklisting or
I'll kick you and your whole gang right
into the middle of the China Sea."
o o o
SCARCELY a move diplomatique.
o o o
YET it is a fact that the Americain remained with the
French firm.
AND the game of Blacklist was supplanted by the less
irritating fad of four o'clock tea.
o o o
I am wondering just how I can pass on from Henderson
without talking about Newton W. Gilbert.
o o o
THE difference between the two gentlemen is startling in
the extreme.
0 o 0
FOR Newt is a product of the effete East (East Indiana).
000
No hay in his hair. As a matter of fact not much hair.
POLISHED, refned, cultured, Newt is a fshed speaker.
POLISHED, refined, cultured, Newt is a finished speaker.
o o o
IN fact he was finished shortly after Harrison showed such
[10]




MY  PHILIPPINE   R E M E M B R A N C E S


an early aptitude for head-hunting.
0 o 0
NEWTON Gilbert commanded the respect and admiration
of the entire American colony at Manila.
0 o 0
AND has since become an honored member of the American
bar.
o o o
PLEASE do not misinterpret my remarks.
American bar I d o not refer to the kind of bar that is
BY American bar I do not refer to the kind of bar that is
so prevalent in Manila.
0 o 0
FOR is not Prohibition King in America?
o o o
"YES," I answer you after the Tagalog fashion, "Prohibition is not King in America."
o o o
IN point of fact it is the very deuce.
0   0
BUT to return from this entrancing subject to Newton
Gilbert.
0 o o
THE American bar heretofore mentioned refers only to
practice of the law.
0 o 0
NOT necessarily the Prohibition law, but law of all kinds
and description.
0 o 0
MISTER Gilbert is a lawyer.
0 o 0
I do not give his address, for that would savor of advertising, which is considered unethical by lawyers.
[11]




MY    P H I L I P P I N E  R E M E M B R A N C E S


IT could not be considered unlawful at this time, however,
to state that Dick Campbell is associated with the
former V. G. G.
o o o
AND their address will be sent to anyone so inquiring.
0 0
THUS we preserve the ethics of the law. I think lawyers
so full of technique.
0 0
As I sit pensively at the side of my so reliable typewriter,
I find my thoughts wandering to the days of the
Rounde Table.
o o o
CLARKE 's-Escolt t-M anila.
0 o o
DAILY without notice, silently, one by one, the Knights of
the Rounde Table were wont to foregather.
o o o
EACH morning at ten-thirty was the hour of rendezvous.
0 0
RICH man, poor man, beggar man, thief.
o o o
DOCTOR, lawyer, Government chief.
0 o o
CLASS, creed or sect had no place there.
o o o
No person too high. No subject too low.
SUCH a quaint Oriental ostumbre.
SUCH a quaint Oriental costumbre.
o o o
ONE would order one's cup of coffee and if one felt flush
one would augment the usual order with a
portion of somewhat soggy toast.
[12]




MY    P H I L I P P INE  R E M E M B R A N C E S


OR if one felt somewhat indisposed as the result of a nightbefore indiscretion one would call huskily for
Coca-Cola.
0 o o
IT seemed so bizarre. So utterly vis-a-vis.
0 o 0
QUICKLY each day the meeting swung into action.
o o o
"WHAT a rotten government we have."
o o o
"HAS Amzi Kelly got the goods on 'em or is he just plumb
loco?"
o o o
"DIDJA hear about Bonsal's latest bull?"
o o o
"DOESN'T this guy Rafferty give you a pain!"
o o o
"MACK Cretcher pulled another boner."
o o o
"CON Duffy makes me sick with that City Club
stunt of his."
0o 0
"WHADDYA think of Spitzel and the way he follows the
G. G.?"
"THEY say Murray Bartlett is going into law business as
Newt Gilbert's partner."
o o o
"Is it true that Ike Switzer has become a Catholic!"
o o o
"I wonder if Carl Hess is a sure-enough German spy."
0o 0
"DOCTOR Herstein used to act with
[13]




MY     P H I L I P P IN E    R E M E M B R A N C E S


Barney Bernard. His Jewish impersonation is a scream."
0o 0
ET cetera! Ad libitum! Poco mis!
o o o
CRUEL critics of the Rounde Table have used names
harsh and ugly in their description of its activities.
0 o 0
ONE celebrated visitor called the denizens of the Rounde
Table nothing but assassins of character.
0 o o
SUCH was not the case. Far from it.
0 o o
FOR the main code of the Rounde Table was to taboo all
discussion of persons or things of character. This I
thought quite chivalrous in the extreme.
0 o o
AMONG the Knights whose names are retained in my
memory there stands foremost none other than that
exotic Amzi Kelly.
o o o
A lawyer by profession, a peddler of rugs by trade.
o o o
WHO would rather go to jail than be right.
IT seems a it
have notforgot IT s eems a  pity. he extremely long
o o o
I have not forgotten Sammy Eyler nor the extremely long
cigars he wore in his outer coat pocket.
0 o 0
I also remember Major W. H. Anderson, whose political
opinions were so cleverly intermingled with business
opportunities.


[14]




MY  P H ILIPPINE   R E M  E M  B R A N C E S


DEAR Billy! So utterly Democratic in manner. Especially
during the reign of the Democrats.
0 o 0
AND Henry Cooper! What memories I invoke at the sound
of his name.
0 o 0
HEAVY-HANDED, happy-hearted Henry! Always willing
for some one else to sign the chit.
0 o 0
AND dear Father Heath! Altho a clergyman he was not,
what the ministry lost when Father went into the
bicycle-pump business!
o o o
HE was called Father before his marriage. Why, I know not.
And for the same reason he is still called Father.
0 o 0
I think that a bit risque.
0 o 0
AND the three Ikeys, how well I recall them to mind.
Beck-Posner-Switzer.
0 o o
THREE of a kind. Not considered much of a hand in the
great American game of poker. I think triplets so
sweetly divine.
0 o 0
A Knight steady in his attendance was Frank Goulette.
He of the movie theatre.
0 o 0
DARK of complexion yet light of build.
0 o o
M. Goulette was most fond of relating his experiences
while a member of the Manila police force
in the early days.


[15 




MY    P H IL I P P I N E   R E M E M B R A N C E S


MORE particularly did he enjoy his story of the American
tourists who gravely saluted him, asking solicitously
if he understood English.
0 o o
ANOTHER daily sight at the Rounde Table was cigar
purveyor Olsen. A good citizen held high in the
esteem of his fellow men.
0 o 
CALLED affectionately "Oley," altho it must be said this
was not short for oleomargarine.
00   0
FOR, as one well knows, oleomargarine is shortening for
itself. I think that a bit of drollery too exquisite for
omission.
0 o 0
DEAR Charlie Cohn is another.
0 o o
I do not mean he is another in the sense that he does not
tell the truth. Far from it, for he is a lawyer.
0 o 0
AND nothing would be further from the truth to state that
a member of the legal profession does not tell the
truth.
0 o 0
WHAT I mean to convey is that Charlie is another Knight.
As is also his brother Julius.
0 o 0
ALTHO since I have taken up my abode in America I have
met them both.
0 o 0
FIRST it has been my good fortune to meet Charlie.
0 o 0
AND affectionately did I greet him, "Well, Charlie Cohn,


[16]




MY  PHI L I P P INE  R E M E M B R A NCES


I am delighted again to see you."
0o 0
"HUSH," he agitatedly answered me, "I am Charlie Cole."
"Oh, no," I rejoined calmly; "your disguise
does not fool me."
0o 0
THEN I left him. Soon I met his brother Julius.
0 o 0
AND SO not to be outdone in wit, I greeted him with
"Hello, Julius Cole; I am happy that you have lost
no weight."
0o 0
AND he answered, "My name is Julius Cohn." I was
filled with chagrin. Those Jewish-Americans are so
amusing.
0 o 0
ALSO there is Tommy Wolff. Sanitary to the bitter
extreme.
0 o 0
LAUNDRYMAN par excellence. Carnaval director con hielo.
0 o 0
ALWAYS to the fore in every public-spirited movement,
Tomas at all times played the game according to
the rules. Un bon homme!
0o 0
I cannot neglect a mention of Adolph Spitzel, the Governor
General's social sponsor.
0 o 0
IT was Adolph who so admirably arranged His Excellency's
first appearance in White Society. One must take
off his hat to Don Adolpho.
0 o 0
A mixer. Not only of words but also of liquids that cool


[17]




MY  P H ILIPPINE  R E M E M B R A N C ES


as well as refresh. A story teller. A listener.
0 o o
IN short, an amazing combination of clever salesmanship.
WE laugh at his foibles, yet we cannot fail to respect his
ability to land the prospect.
0 o o
To quote the so versatile Spitz, "Insurance is the best
policy."
FROM the northernmost heights of Aparri to the Gulf of
Davao there were probably no two men more
different than Charles Derham and Ben Green.
0 o 0
BEN the apostle of Gloom. Charlie the symbol of Optimism.
0 o o
NOTHING was sure to ever be right again, if one were
inclined to listen to the one with the so
colorful name.
0 o o
WHILST joy reigns everywhere around and a spirit of
"Business is good" emanated from the relative of
America's favorite smoking tobacco.
0o 00
YET the twain fitted in Manila's scheme of things.
0 o o
SURELY the most unique of the melting pot was I. Beck.
0 o 0
STARTING literally on a shoestring, which he most successfully sold to soldiers, he has become a prince of
merchants.
0 o 0
AND he is most businesslike as well. Only he does not
[18]




MY  P H I L I P P INE  REMEMBRANCES


believe in taking stock of his merchandise.
o o o
FOR, as he so quaintly says, "I started with nothing and
everything I've got is clear profit." Truly
a philosopher.
0 o o
I had almost forgotten Mayor Brown, without mention
of whom no Philippine narrative can be complete.
000
BROAD, expansive Mayor Brown! Liberal,
hospitable, fat!
o o o
KNOWN from one end of the Orient to the other as the
man who jumped into Manila Bay, causing the
tide to rise on end, thus sinking the
Spanish Armada.
0 o 0
REALLY of great weight in the community. I think him
too hugely avoirdupois.
0 o 0
CAN I fail to omit mention of Mike O'Malley? Genial,
easy-going Mike, of whom no evil word has
ever been said.
0 o 0
A reputation almost beyond credence in the so-called
Pearl of the Orient.
0 o o
WHEN not in Washington advising Government how to
proceed, Colonel H. B. McCoy was a most willing
speaker at all regular meetings of the
Rounde Table Knights.
0 o 0
THIS quite aroused the ire of Henry D. Wolfe, dean of


[19]




MY    P H I L I P P I N E  R E M E M B R A N C E S


the table.
0 o o
FOR Henry was himself a most volatile talker, one who
could find querulous complaint in everything.
0 o o
IT was generally admitted that Henry D. Wolfe was the
real McCoy.
0 o o
NOT that Colonel McCoy was an imitation. Far from it.
0 o o
FOR the Colonel was so real that he once resided on Calle
Real, before the patriotic Municipal Board
changed it to M. H. Del Pilar, in honor
of the insurrection.
0 o 0
I must not forget mention of the newspaper boys.
0 o o
BY this I do not mean the boys who delivered or sold the
newspapers.
0 o 0
BUT those whose massive brains made it possible for
Manilans to know that the rest of the world was
still on the map.
0 o o
R. McCulloch Dick, taciturn, silent and bald.
0 o 0
A clever juggler of issues, a water carrier pro bono publico.
000
AND in learning his trade M. Dick had mastered the art
of carrying water on both shoulders.
0 o 0
ALTHO he was not quite so successful in handling the beans,
which he spilled several times, to his own discomfiture.
[20]




MY   P H I L I P P INE  R E M E M B R A NCES


P. G. McDonnell learned the newspaper trade while
loaning money at twelve per cent.
O o0 
PERCY his proper name, but, as the World War developed,
it was thought by many that P. G. was Pro German.
I thought that rather apropos.
0 o o
WILMOT Harsant Lewis seldom graced the festive board
of the talkative Knights.
0 o 0
FOR many reasons. Principally because Bill, a Britisher,
did not enjoy mixing with hoi polloi.
0 o 0
A brilliant, forceful writer, Bill wrought great havoc with
the sensibilities of the so thin-skinned Democrats.
0 o o
IT has been said that Wilmot is the only person who successfully pierced the tough hide of one James
J. Rafferty.
0 o 0
WHILE it is not generally known that His Excellency the
G. G. tried again and often to disconnect Bill
from the pay roll of the Manila Times.
0 o o
IN this he failed, albeit he succeeded in displacing Bill as
Associated Press correspondent.
0 o 0
MERELY for the reason that Bill had by inference created
the impression that Francis was a ventriloquial
dummy seated astride Manny Quezon's
knee.
0 o 0
WHAT a pity the libel laws of the Islands are so stringent.


[21]




MY    P H I L I P P INE     R E M E M B R A N C E S


FOR working under the handicap of "The greater the truth,
the greater the libel," many interesting news
items were prevented from seeing the
light of printers' ink.
o o
WALTER Z. Smith, altho not a newspaper man, was a
splendid fraternizer. He said "Hello" to one and
all. This resulted in great good for his business, which was that of managing the
telephone company.
o o
HEAVEN protect me! I had completely forgotten Con Duffy.
HICH would have been sufficient to cause the failure of
WHICH would have been sufficient to cause the failure of
this entertaining brochure.
0 o 
MISTER Duffy did not grace the Rounde Table with his
presence.
0 o 0
ALTHO he would have made a Good Knight. In fact, it
probably would have spelt Good Night to many
of the Knights had he joined.
o 0 0
CON! Meaning no doubt confidence, which Mons. Duffy
had in abundance.
0 o o
IT also indicates consternation which was caused after a
certain speech made at M. Duffy's City Club.
0 o o
WHICH resulted in the widespread popularity of the so
Rev. Murray Bartlett, and to think I might have
omitted it all.
0 o 0
NINE years have passed. Years fraught with excitement


[22]




MY    P H I L I P P INE   R E M E M B R A N C E S


and intensity. Much water has passed through the
mill. The map of Europe has been
completely altered.
o o o
YET the exact words of Murray Bartlett's famous letter
remain indelibly imprinted in my brain.
0 o 0
I quote: "I am sorry I was unable to hear your speech at
the City Club today, but have just finished reading it
for the second time and want to say that it is
unquestionably the greatest and truest
speech on the Philippine question I
have ever heard or read."
0 o 0
POOR dear Murray! His nose in the trough of Republican
favor for years, he went on to state, "For the few
of us who have been doing the voice-in-thewilderness stunt for the past few years, it is
an inspiration and a joy."
o o o
POSSIBLY it were better to say no more on this subject.
Let it suffice that Oriental atmosphere plays
merry pranks with the white man's brain.
0 0
OH, I have just thought of my friend and co-patriot. None
other than Harold M. Pitt.
0    o
WHOM Tom Hartigan so thoughtlessly dubbed President
Perpetual de la Manila Merchants Ass.
0 o o
DEAR Harold! So debonair! So gay! So utterly free from
mal de mer.
0 o 0
HE confided to me one evening at the Elks Club that he


[23]




MY    P H I L I P P INE    R E M E M B R A N C E S


was for the most part Scotch.
0 o 0
AND I asked him naively, yet with an air of hauteur, "My
dear M. Pitt, and is the other part Isuan?"
I thought that a contretemps sub rosa.
I was so impressed by Monsieur Pitt at first.
I was so impressed by Monsieur Pitt at first.
THAT one day, strolling down Calle Echague, I noticed
the telegraph poles were marked each one with
letters bold and clear.
0 o o
P. I. T. T.
000 o
MY childish enthusiasm for my new-found comrade was
so intense that I asked why he had been thus
honored.
o oo
I was told that the poles were the property of the Philippine
Islands Telegraph and Telephone Co.
000
MON cher ami! I was overwhelmed with the extent of
my faux pas.
0 o 0
THESE then and many others too numerous to classify
were the Knights of the Rounde Table.
0 o 0
CRUEL at times. Harsh in their criticism. Slow to forgive.
0o 00
NARROW in their precepts. Sensitive, proud, crusty.
0O 00
UNCOUTH perhaps. Quick to judge. Outspoken, rough.
124]




M  Y  PHILIPPINE  REMEMBRANCES


YET honest to the core and charitable withal.
o o o
EVER ready and willing to help a fellow countryman in
distress.
00   0
REAL hearts of gold.
0 o 0
ONE of my dearest memories is that I was privileged to
have been one of you!
0o 0
MANY of my social friends, however, did not grace the
bounty of the Rounde Table.
0 o 0
I am reminded to think of one in particular, Mister Mike
Goldenburg, who was of the elite.
o o o
MIKE, altho of the elite, was not above mixing. In fact,
he made of it a profession and his elite saloon
was famous for its cheap beer.
0 o 0
BILL Applegate, at all times social, was at his superlative
best during Carnival days. His impersonation of
a wild American Indian was most realistic.
0 o o
ANOTHER of warm heart was International Bill Taylor.
I dub him International because of his bank.
When one came to deposit, Bill glowed
with warmth.
0 o 0
BUT ask for a loan! And the vaults of the International
Cold Stores were sweatshops in comparison.
o 
WHILE on the subject of bills, I am reminded of Phoney


[25]




MY    P H     I     I N E  R E M E M B     A N C E S


Bill Farland, he of the gumshoe department.
0 o 0
IT was no secret that Bill was of the Secret Service. I
once asked him why the euphonious nickname,
"Phoney."
His answer informed me that he made all his reports over
the phone. This I thought rather a clever alibi.
000
I remember G. A. O'Reilly, whose aptitude for business
deprived the Bureau of Education of a most
valuable man.
0 o o
As he stood on the threshold of success with his Government Sales Agency, native jealousy forced him
out of the service.
0 o 0
A poor thing for the Philippine Government but a most
excellent happening for G. A.
0 o o
HE came home, went to New York and today is VicePresident of the Irving National Bank. A most
convincing answer to those who doubted
his ability.
0 o 0
MONS. O'Reilly should indeed be grateful to the politicos
who helped him find himself.
0 o 0
CAN I forget George Butz? Surely it were impossible.
Soft-spoken, ladylike George.
0 o 0
WHO developed such efficiency as manager of the Manila
Hotel that the guests were eager at all times to
accept any and all invitations to dine out.


[26]




MY  PHILIPPIN E  REMEMBRANCES


GEORGE was always so naive.
WELL do I recollect the episode of the Carnival Closing
Committee.
MONSIEUR Rosenthal, the shoe peddler, whose Christian
name for some unaccountable reason I am unable
to remember.
000
WHICH, of course, is not important, save that it had a
Jewish intonation.
0 o 0
To continue my narrative, Jake was always in Manila
during the annual nine days' fiesta.
0 o 0
AND made it a practice to hire his own brass band on the
last night of the Carnival. He saw to it that he was
the last person to leave the Carnival grounds.
0 o 0
ACCOMPANIED by his band of native brass. Thence to
Manila Hotel.
0 o o
WHERE law-abiding guests were copiously serenaded by
the sweet strains of "Honey Boy" and "Peg o' the
Ring."
EVERYTHING proceeded swimmingly, until Manager Butz
appeared on the scene.
0 o o
ATTIRED in distractingly becoming silk pajamas, which so
excited the cymbal player that he ignominiously
0 o 0
MISTER Butz remonstrated gently, and retired for the


[27]




MY  P H I L I PP NE  R EMEMBRANCES


night, followed by Mister Rosenthal and his band
sans cymbals.
0 0
"HOME, Sweet Home" was rendered in the hall adjoining
the manager's suite. It has been said that all
present enjoyed a most enjoyable time.
BUTZ so far forgot himself that he indulged in coarse
language.
0 o o
BELIEVE me, readers, three times that early morning
George Butz said "Darn." How degenerating is
the influence of the Tropics!
o o o
MY outstanding recollection of Rory McCrory is his
ability to roar, which probably accounts for his
peculiar nickname.
o o o
RORY was once a sailor. And sailed the China Sea. He
then became a merchant. And sailed the typhoonswept ocean of commerce.
RORY was ever fond  o f his days before the mast,
RORY was ever fond of telling of his days before the mast,
and was well versed in the conversational art of
"Shivering His Timbers."
o o o
BUT the story he tells very rarely is that he never quite
escaped being seasick.
O o0 
WHICH is an affliction quite common to those Manila
merchants who braved the storms of the year
1921.
000
As my mind turns to lighter things I am constrained to


[28]




M Y    P H I L I P P I N'E   R E M E M B R A N C E S


give a thought to Judge Ostrand.
0o o
THOUGH in full justice to him I should mention that he is
now a Supreme Court Justice. I do not wish to
create the impression that I consider
Justice Ostrand light.
0 0
FAR from it. For it is in the lighter things that Justice
Ostrand is heaviest. I refer to dancing.
0 o o
AND am mindful of the happy days when the Justice, then
only a Judge, paid for my light drinking in return
for my non-mention of his efforts in the
ballroom.
o o o
MOST concise is my remembrance of Jimmy Ross, commonly called Judge by many.
o o
A Democrat. And that tells the entire story except for one
particular.
o o o
THE Judge has a somewhat saving grace of humor.
o o o
IT was he who congratulated Francis Burton upon the
success of his administration. Rather sardonic
humor, I should think.
o o o
SENATOR George Fairchild is another remembrance, altho
I have forgotten why he is called Senator.
o o o
FOR I am certain it is Hadji Butu who is the Senator from
Mindanao. But there must be a reason.
PERHAS his long association with the sugar industry has
PERHA^S his long association with the sugar industry has


[29]




MY  PHILIPPINE  REMEMBRANCES


made him sweet on titles. In any event I wish
him "Salamat Po."
o o o
WHICH is no relation to Edgar Allan Poe, who was a poet.
o o o
AND now I recall E. M. Bachrach. But I can think of
nothing nice to say regarding him, so I will be compelled to omit his name.
0 o 
ON the other hand, I can mention many nice things concerning General Hunter Liggett, whom I well
remember.
0 o 0
FIRST of all, General Liggett is a man. A man's man. And a
soldier.
0 o o
HE held the respect and esteem of all Manila. Which is
almost enough to say of any one person.
O o 
ESPECIALLY when one takes into consideration the different
elements which go to make up the so cosmopolitan
character of that breeding place of political chicanery.
o o o
As I travel on I can think of but two Filipinos whom I
care to remember.
FELIPE Buencamino, Jr., and Arsenio Luz.
FELIPE Buencamino, Jr., and Arsenio Luz.
I am wrong. There are three. Lupo, copy boy of the Manila
Times, is the third.
0 o 0
WERE there more Felipes and Arsenios the problem of


[301




MY    P H I L I P P INE  R E M E M B R A N C E S


Independence would be solved, for these two men
are fine, upstanding figures.
0 o o
ANOTHER upstanding figure is Norbert Lyons. Altho
most of the time he preferred to sit.
0o  0
A writer. He also turned out poetry.
0 o 0
IN fact, at one time in his career one might well imagine
Norbert had established a poetry factory.
0 o 0
FOR he ground out his stuff by the yard. From whence it
was shipped to the alley.
0 o o
AND used by the natives as fertilizer. So do we sacrifice
ourselves for our art.
0 o 0
I have always had tremendous respect for the police and
made it my business to keep at a respectful distance.
0 o 0
CAPTAIN Jack Harding was the Jefe de Policia prior to the
Harrison Typhoon.
000
BUT he had too many friends among the old timers, which
rendered him hors de combat.
0 o o
FRANK Helm, also an ex- or it might be more expressive to
say an ax-official, met Jack a few days after the
decapitation.
0 o 0
"WELL, John," said the former helmsman, "I see you got
yours." Harding is Irish.
[31]




MY  PHILIPPINE     R E M  E M B R A N C E S


HE flashed back, "Yep, Frank, I got fired, but they had to
abolish you to get you out."
0o 0
GEORGE Seaver became Chief.
0 o o
AND SO well did he perform his duties that he was permitted
to stay on the job until he came to the conclusion
that more glory as well as coin of the realm would
come to him through selling shoes.
0 o 0
AFTER which came Bopp, whose appointment was always
more or less of a mystery.
0O 00
THEN John Green, whose sterling worth had been proven
as head of the Secret Service.
0 o o
ASIDE from his unquestioned ability as a sleuth, Mons.
Green was intensely human.
0 o 0
AND showed his friendship for the Filipinos by encouraging
them to take up the art of fisticuffs, which has
been most beneficial to them.
o o0
THE police department has for the most part been kept
singularly clean in its administration. A shining
example for American cities.
0 o 0
SURELY we cannot blame Francis Burton Harrison
for this.
IT just occurred to me that it would not be amiss to talk
IT just occurred to me that it would not be amiss to talk
about social amenities for a bit.
0 o 0
WHERE SO many -butterflies forgather, there must be


[32]




MY  PHILIPPINE   R E M  E M  B R A N C E S


customs of interest.
0 0
NOT the least of these was the ladies' bridge breakfasts.
0   0
FIRST would come a round of cards. Quickly followed by a
round of cocktails. After which another rubber.
0 o 
THESE parties usually started in the morning.
0 o 
For the very good reason that afternoons and evenings
were more seriously occupied by the dance.
0 o 0
MANILA society is most interesting and full of qui vive.
0 o o
BUT there is one suggestion I would like to make to the
good ladies who comprise its component parts.
If you would wear make-up, why not
at all times?
0 o o
FOR it is most disconcerting during the day to meet ladies
of sallow, unhealthy complexions, only to see them
at night bursting with the bloom of
youth and health.
0 o o
AT so much per lipstick.
0 o 0
I cannot forego the pleasure of mentioning the native
dance halls of Santa Ana as well as Caloocan.
0 o o
WHERE for twenty centavos each time the music stopped,
one could have his fling. Those were indeed happy
days as F. Theo. Rogers can well testify.


[33]




MY    P H I L I P P INE   R E M E M B R A N C E S


ANOTHER social amenity was Tony Timke's place.
0 o 0
AND Mother Smith's restaurant as well.
0 o o
WHERE it was possible to procure a baked potato and
steak worthy the name.
0 o 0
ALL in all, life in Manila gave much to hope for. Not the
least of which was the thought, "When and on
what boat do we go home?"
0 o 0
PERHAPS the nicest custom of old Manila was the despedida. The "Godspeed" party for those departing.
0 o 0
AT these farewells there shone the true spirit of Manila.
All the crust gone, all the grouchiness dispersed.
0 o 0
GOOD humor, tolerance and hospitality. Here Manila
showed itself in its true colors.
0o 0o
KEEP alive the despedida! For it is nice to be human at
least semi-occasionally.
0 o o
STILL another piece of petit pois was the Polo Club at
Pasay.
0 o 0
NOTABLE chiefly for its swimming tank, tennis courts and
mixed drinks.
0 o o
BY mixed I do not necessarily mean mestizo, for the head
bartender at the Club was straight Tagalog.
0 o 0
NEVERTHELESS the Polo Club was at all times overflowing
[34]




MY   P H I L I P P INE  R E M E M B R A N C ES


with cherchez la femme.
AND therefore not to be sneezed at by an ambitious
AND therefore not to be sneezed at by an ambitious
nouveau riche.
IT was the custom.
0o o
AND a jolly Oriental habit at that.
o oo
To permit no cash to pass-in exchange at the wet goods
department.
0 o o
ALL members signed chits in lieu of dinero payments.
0 o o
AND many a time and oft'it so happened that visiting
Army Officers.
0o o
VISITED.
000
AND were accorded the chit signing prerogatives of the
Club.
000
SOMETIMES they obtained thirst'quenchers before presenting their credentials.
0 0 0
THEREFORE the Governors of the Club.
o o 0
ISSUED instructions to the number one Bar Boy
that all Army officers.
0 o 0
AND thirsty Naval lads as well.
0 o o
WERE to be accorded the right to writeloff their salaries
[35]




MY    P H I L I P P INE     R E M E M B R A N C E S


at will.
oO o 
IN return for the forgetfulness of the liquid that cheers
as well as intoxicates.
0 o 
ONE day Juan, jefe de muchachos, reported to the Club's
Secretary.
AND this is what he said.
AND this is what he said.
"SAIR, yesterday an officer de name I do not know because
of strangeness, has come to de Club with beautiful
lady Americana.
0 00
"HE has given instructions that doors and windows to
sala be closed and locked. And more, he has
requested not to be disturbed for one
hours.
0 o 0
"Now sair," continued the faithful Juan, "I am full of
indecision. Shall de boys do this service regularly
for gentleman who are not members of
Club?"
0o 0
A bit of cooperation a la mode.
0 o o
THE University Club while not so full of veuve still had
many a delightful occurrence.
0 o o
NOT the least of which was the occasion of
Henderson Martin.
0 o o
SOON after the arrival of the thrifty Vice Governor, a


[36]




MY    P H I L I P P I N E   RE M E M B R A N C E S


visitor's card was sent him.
0 0 0
HE used it.
0 0 0
THE two weeks' time limit expired.
0 0 0
HE still used it.
0 0 0
THE card was renewed.
0 0 0
HE still used it.
0 0 0
THE renewal expired.
0 0 0
HE still used it.
0 0 0
IT developed into a race against time with the Honorable
Martin still using his visitor's card.
0 0 0
FINALLY a Committee from the Club waited on Hen with
the suggestion that he send in an application
for membership.
0 0 0
"QUANTO?" asked his frugal Excellency, meaning "How
much cost?"
0 0 0
HE was told.
0 0 0
"OUCH," he cried, "That's too expensive. Besides I don't
go out to the Club more than two or three times
a week. I think I'll just keep my visitor's
card and pay for my chits at the end
of each month."


[37]




MY PHILIPPINE R E M E M B R A N C E S


THE Committee fainted.
o o0
HOWEVER they couldn't turn down the Vice Governor
General of the Philippine Islands.
0 o o
So they elected Hen Martin an Honorary member of the
University Club.
0 o 0
HE has never been told the facts until this very minute.
0O 00
WHILE he lasted, Clarence Batchelder was also a social
science.
0 o 0
CLARENCE was to the manner born.
0 o o
THE perfect type of floorwalker.
0o 00
BUT Clarence was the Assistant Apo.
000 
AND was possessed of an assurance that never failed.
o o o
DID the conversation veer toward the King of England,
Clarence then remembered the time that George
sent for him to obtain advice upon a
problem difficult of solution.
0 o o
IT would appear that Clarence had been everywhere
upon every occasion and was intimately acquainted with every notable worthy
the name.
0 o o
AND one and all they called him "Clarence."
0o 0
BOOTH Tarkington wrote a play and named it "Clarence."
[38]




MY    P H I L I P PINE   R E M E M B R A N C ES


BUT first he telegraphed "Batch" to obtain permission.
0 o 0
IT has not been verified that the Batchelder tribe was the
Boston branch of the famous family of Munchausen.
0 o o
CLARENCE, however, was the original "stringing" bean.
0o 00
AND now to more serious discussion.
o o0
THE first year of Harrison! What poignant memories!
o o o
DAYS of grief, of horror, of indignities heaped upon
innocent Republican breasts.
0 o o
THE guillotine, symbol of the bloody revolutionaries of
France, was the instrument of torture selected by
the standard bearer of Democracy. And
well did he wield it.
0 0 o
SCARCELY had he unpacked his dancing pumps ere he
decided upon the decapitation of Thomas Cary
Welch. And so it was done.
o o o
COMMISSIONER Branagan was the next to fall.
0 o 0
WHOSE most grievous sin consisted of his record of twentyseven years' faithful work in United States and
Philippine government service.
0 o o
HE would hardly do to help work out the new ideas of
the New Era.
0 o 0
WHICH some uncouth wag had trade-marked "New
[39]




M  Y  PHILIPPINE  REM  E M  B R A N C E S


Error." This I thought extremely apropos.
0 o 
AFTER which Araneta and Sumulong, native office holders
who had made the mistake of having accepted
appointments by M. Forbes, were led to the
slaughter.
o o o
THEY were immediately followed by Captain Sleeper and
Collector McCoy, who bravely sneered as they
ascended the steps of the guillotine.
THEY reminded me so much of Sydney Carton. Not the
carton imported by Joe Heilbronn, but the one
immortalized by Dickens.
0 0
ABOUT this time the American community of Manila
became a bit restive.
0 0
AND the wily G. G. issued a statement telling everybody
that he intended to observe the civil service rules.
This proved to be most interesting as
well as entertaining.
0 o 0
FOR he immediately took the heads of John S. Leech,
Jimmy Hoggsette and John R. Wilson. Which I
thought uncivil in the extreme. Not
unmixed with eau de cologne.
DURING the interim His Excellency had explained most
DURING the interim His Excellency had explained most
carefully that he owed his appointment to his
dear friend Manuel Quezon.
O o O
AND if ever in history appointee showed appreciation to
appointor for favors bestowed, one F. B. Harrison


[40]




MY  PHILIPPINE   R E M  E M  B R A N C ES


did as he fell all over himself to kiss M.
Quezon.
IT was a situation most sickening. Not to say disgusting.
IT was a situation most sickening. Not to say disgusting.
0    00
AND then Major Bishop, prosecuting attorney, lost his
head, which dropped into the basket of expediency.
0 o 0
OF course there was comedy to lighten the strain.
0 o 0
STEPHEN Bonsai arrived at Manila. To take up his so
arduous duties as His Excellency's Secretary.
O 0 o
AT the salary of eight thousand pesos.
0 o 0
WOULD that I were a poet, that I could weave words to
tell the romantic tale of Steve.
0 o 0
How he forged to the front. How he won promotion after
raise in salary.
"FROM Concejal to Public Utility Comish"; or, "Steve
Bonsai the Boy Promoter."
o o o
DEAR, insouciant Steve. Pleasant, affable, cheery; sweettempered to a fault.
0 o o
SCARCELY had his Secretarial cards emerged from the
printshop ere it was discovered that a vacancy
existed in the Municipal Board.
0 o o
STEVE filled it. With an annual voucher on the Treasury of
nine thousand pesos.
[41]




MY    P H I L I P P I N E    R E M E M B R A N C E S


HE assumed the duties of Municipal Boarder. Soon a
vacancy developed in the Executive Secretary's
office.
ITwas a position requiring ability of a peculiar nature.
IT was a position requiring ability of a peculiar nature.
And Stephen was peculiar in more ways than one.
0 o o
MONS. Bonsai finally capitulated to the pleas of the G. G.
and agreed to step in the breech. He cared not
whose breeches he wore.
0 o o
ALTHO the new position paid ten thousand five hundred.
0 o o
WHAT noble self-sacrifice! How futile are mere words!
o o o
HISTORY will record your martyrdom, Stephen Bonsal, and
you will be put in your proper place!
0o 0
MEANTIME some inquisitive American had discovered
that S. O. Bonsal was an author, and in 1902 had
written a book about the Philippines.
0 o o
WHICH contained many sayings uncomplimentary to the
Filipinos. It was embarrassing. As well as extremely disconcerting.
0 o 0
BUT here M. Steve showed his executive ability. He could
not deny the book. He would not explain its
contents.
0 o 0
So he issued an Asst. Exec. Sec. order to the librarian of
the city, causing the utter disappearance, destruction and demolition of all copies.


[42]




MY    P H I L I P PINE    R E M E M B R A N C E S


THIS act so aroused the enthusiasm of the Governor
General that he cast about to find adequate means
of promotion.
0 o 0
THE G. G. about this time received a letter from New
Jersey, widely known for the size, shape and biting
ability of its mosquitoes.
0 o o
THE letter contained a copy of the New Jersey public
utility bill, altho mosquitoes were hardly considered utilities even in President Wilson's
home state.
0o 00
His Excellency did not even bother to read the bill for
the very good reason that the Filipinos were
paying all bills.
0 o o
AND SO the Public Utility Commission came into being,
despite the fact that there were but three industries
in Manila worthy the name Public
Utility.
0 o 0
AND I am not certain whether the street cars might not
be better termed Public Nuisance.
0 o o
THERE being three Utilities, there should be three commissioners. There were.
AND was Stephen Bonsai one of them? He was.
0 o 0
DID he complain because his salary was now twelve thousand? He did not.
0 o 0
ABOUT six months later, Mister Bonsai read a copy of the


[43]




MY    P H I L I P P INE   R E M E M B R A NCES
Public Utility bill, and found it gave him power to
regulate heat in Manila. This he proceeded to do.
O o O
AND SO arranged things with the weather bureau that
Manila now has a hot season every year.
o o o
I think Steve quite the chef d'oeuvre of the entire Harrison
period.
o o o
THE Governor's attitude toward Clinton L. Riggs was an
interesting one.
0 00
AT the outset Mister Riggs showed unusual ability, as
well as constructiveness of a progressive character.
o o o
HE believed it a function of Government to aid and assist
Business.
0 0
BANG! As Mrs. Clancy would say, "Sure, an' that's wot
started the fight."
00   0
HIs Nibship maintained that business should be written
with a small b.
0 0
IN a word (or two), "Business should be kept out of Government."
IT certainly was during the Harrison rgime. It was put out
IT certainly was during the Harrison regime. It was put out
of Government and almost put out of business.
o o o
RIGGS was a fighter, but he didn't know the lay
of the land.
[44]




MY     P H I L I P P IN E     R E M E M B R A N C E S


IT is no libel to state that the Filipino politician can come
to Tammany Hall and turn it inside out with
new, uncanny, diabolical tricks.
0 o0 
HARRISON told the politicos that Riggs was ambitious to
become Governor General.
0 o o
WHAT they did to Riggs was a pity.
0 o 0
HE took his punishment without a murmur, returning to
America, puzzled and amazed.
0 o 0
FOR it is not given to the White Man to comprehend the
inner workings of the Malay mind.
O o o
DOCTOR W. E. Musgrave was at all times most pleasantly
inclined.
o o0
WHICH seems passing strange as one brings to mind the
dirty deal he received at the hands of Economy.
0 o 0
IT would appear that the Doctor, in his administration of
the Philippine General Hospital, had peculiar
ideas as to cleanliness.
0 o 0
IN fact, he insisted that the hospital be kept immaculate at all times.
0 o 0
THIS was not in keeping with the thoughts of his Filipino
inferiors, who dearly loved to let 'em go 'til tomorrow.
0 o 0
THE Doctor was adamant and the hospital remained clean.
Such was the physical aspect.
[45]




MY    P H I L I P P INE  R E M E M B R A NCES


BUT politically speaking the place fairly reeked with filth.
Charges were trumped up against Musgrave.
0 o 0
AN investigation, which the Doctor insisted upon, was
held.
0 o 0
AND naturally turned out to be a joke.
0 o 0
DOCTOR Musgrave was officially vindicated by the Governor General.
0 o o
SCARCELY was the news dry than His Excellency requested
the resignation of the exonerated official,
in the name of expediency.
0 o 0
AND the thermometer of public opinion regarding the
G. G. went below zero.
0 o 0
STRANGE to say, Doctor Musgrave returned to the United
States to be honored by his profession.
0 o 0
HE was made Secretary-Editor of the Medical Society
of California.
00 0
AT this time I might mention that most of the men who
were let out by the Democratic Nero have made
good upon their return to God's country.
00 o
PERHAPS we have misjudged the G. G. Perchance he knew
this.
00 
AND where we have reviled him for his political stupidity,
we should have praised him for his generous
farsightedness.


[461




MY  PHILIPPINE   R E M E M  B R A N C ES


GOVERNOR General, we have wronged you! Forgive usl
00 0
To mention by name all the Americans removed from office
by Mons. Harrison would not be interesting in
the least.
0 o 0
IN fact, it would be a bit sad. As well as monotonous.
0 o 0
COMPARABLE perhaps to jotting down a list of permanent
boarders of Cementerio del Norte.
0 o o
HOWEVER, Francis was successful in one thing at least. He
destroyed the Civil Service.
0 o 0
HE appointed ignorant, untried Filipinos (altho some have
since been tried-and convicted) to take the
places of capable, experienced Americans.
0 0 0
MEANTIME he imported experts from Kansas and the
United States. I remember one dear expert.
0 o 0
HE was not dear to me, but to the Philippine Treasury. I
refer to the so dry Professor Waters of Kansas.
0 o 0
WHO spent much time compiling an agricultural report on
the Philippine Islands.
0 o 0
FOR which he received as compensation ninethousand pesos.
0 o o
IT was most interesting. Though somewhat expensive.
0 o 0
AFTER exhaustive investigations the Professor found that
much land was not in cultivation.
[47]




MY   P H I L I P P INE  R E M E M B R A NCES


HE learned that rice could be grown. That not enough rice
was grown. That much rice land was available.
0 o 0
HE gathered information about tobacco, as well as hemp.
0 o 0
IN fact, his report told us what everyone knew, with no
suggestion for a solution of the problem. It was
truly most darling of him to bother to
come to the Islands.
O oo
BUT I suppose he owed it to himself to prevent the nine
thousand pesos from going astray.
0 o 0
ANOTHER expert was Mack Cretcher, whose only achievement worthy of note is his winning of the
slogan contest.
0 o 0
MANILA as all know is one city which has been literally
slugged to death with slogans.
0 00
BUT Mack won the hundred-peso prize with "Manila,
Where Nothing Knocks But Opportunity." I
submit a truism filled with holes.
0 o o
FOR everybody knocks everything in Manila at every
opportunity.
O 0 o
DR. Bernard Herstein should never be classed as an expert.
Nevertheless he was appointed Insular Collector
of Customs.
0 o 0
AND it may be said that he collected a number of new and
peculiar customs during his stay. But chiefly he
[48]




MY  PHILIPPIN E  REMEMBRANCES


collected his salary.
0 o o
BERNARD was at all times in thorough sympathy with the
principle of Economy.
0 o o
BUT! And that one little word is so truly significant.
0 o o
WHEN the principle attacked his salary account he found
it to his interest to combat the principle.
0 o o
HE argued, successfully, that his social position would not
permit of a reduction in his pay.
0 o 0
BERNARD was a social gadfly. And seldom if ever refused
an invitation.
0 o 0
OF course, it would hardly do to call James J. Rafferty an
importation, for he was there when His Excellency
arrived.
0 o 0
PERHAPS Jim might better be termed a growth. Never was
there a more popular official than the doughty J. J.
0 o 0
PRESS and public alike did homage to his affability.
Cheerful, obliging, cordial.
0 o 0
THE Colonel, as he was dubbed, because of a previous connection with the Salvation Army, apparently possessed a cast-iron grip.
0 0 0
WHICH helped him materially to hang on to the Insular
pay roll, despite the almost universal efforts made
to cause his separation.


[491




MY    P H I L I P P I N E   R E M E M B R A N C E S


AH, dear readers, I fear I have just made a most lamentable
error. Hear my open confession!
o o 0
IN searching for adequately descriptive adjectives with
which to properly approach the subject of J. J.
Rafferty, I sought the assistance of my
Book of Synonyms. I helped
myself, as you may see.
0 o 0
AND now that I read the printed words and reflect upon
the idiosyncrasies of Mons. Rafferty, too late
I realize my mistake.
0 0 o
I should have used the section devoted to Antonyms.
Forgive me, my friends. I am heartbroken!
o 0 o
AMONG the imports which were allowed to enter the
country without duty may be mentioned Captain
Hughes.
0 0 0
THE G. G. felt that the Police Department of Manila
needed new life.
0 o o
So he sent for Hughes, who had been a bicycle cop,
somewhere in New Jersey.
00 0
UNDOUBTEDLY the Captain was related to the Prune
family, for he appeared to be stewed during his
entire stay.
0 o 0
WHICH was extremely short. He became an export.
0    *  0
AND was sent home in charge of a prisoner who escaped at
Honolulu. His Philippine career was short,


[50]




MY     P H I L I P P I N E    R E M E M B R A N C E S


sweet and snappy.
0 o 0
AMONG other importations may well be mentioned divers
and sundry parties of Congressional Investigators.
0 o 0
KNOWN to Science as Ocean Joy Riders.
0 o o
THESE molders of public opinion, these solons, these
choices of the electorate of America came to Manila
to look into conditions.
0 o o
SOMETIMES they stayed as long as three weeks, in which
event they returned home knowing all about it.
0 o 0
IF they were Republican Investigators they were convinced
from their observations that the Philippines
would never be ready for Independence.
0 o 0
BUT the Democrats! What did they find?
0 o 0
A refined, highly cultured people chafing under the yoke of
enforced slavery.
0 o o
THEY found, further, that civilization was most rampant
in the Islands.
0 o o
THAT Manuel Quezon had a most excellent wine cellar.
THAT the Filipinos were not only ready for Independence
but certainly entitled to it.
o o o
THAT life in the Philippines left nothing to be desired.
0 o o
(AUTHOR'S Note: Save perhaps a trip to Avernus.)
[51]




MY   P H I L I P P I N E  R E M E M B R A NCES


AND so the game was played merrily, merrily.
O oo
THE strange thing is that one and all, party after party,
were permitted to see exactly the same sights.
It was comparable to a Cook's Tour.
0 o 0
A band at the Pier.
DINNER and dance at Malacaian.
0 o o
OR perchance at Antipolo.
O O o
A visit to the monkeys at Meehan Gardens.
o o0 
A trip to the Senate in session.
o o 0
AN auto ride to Los Banios.
00 o0
THENCE to Pagsanjan Falls.
o o 0
A dance at the Manila Hotel.
0 o o
A reception at Manny's residence.
o o0
THEN probably a luncheon at the Governor General's
palace.
0   o0
AFTER which a diploma was solemnly presented to each
Investigator.
O O o
WHICH certified to a full and accurate knowledge of all
economic and political Philippine problems.
[52]




MY  PHILIPPINE  REMEMBRANCES


THE brass band played at the Pier.
0 o o
AND the Congressional Investigators sailed for home.
0 o 0
STRANGE as it may appear, the duties of Governor General
Harrison became daily less onerous.
0 o o
THE Honorable Quezon with native politeness relieved
his dear friend of all details.
0 o o
IT was truly touching. As well as somewhat pathetic.
0 o 0
THE Siamese Twins were as strangers compared to the
mutual love and respect which Manny and
Frankie bore one toward the other.
0 o 0
MANNY and his manikin never quarreled. There could be
no room for misunderstanding.
0 o o
THEY were too busy reaching for their common goal,
which was the Independence of the Philippine
peoples.
0 o o
PROMISED by a cruel and dictatorial Imperialism as soon
as a stable government shall have been established.
0 o 0
So Manny said to Frankie, "We have a stable government."
0 0 0
AND Frankie cabled to Washington that this was an
accomplished fact.
0o 00
THEN Mr. Harding became President. He was soon told
of the stable.
[53]




M Y   P H I L I P P I N E  R E M E M B R A N C E S


AND immediately sent General Leonard Wood over to
investigate. Which he did. Very thoroughly and in
a most workmanlike manner.
0 o 
GENERAL Wood reported in detail. His findings were to
the effect that the Government was quite stable
indeed.
o o
So President Harding persuaded the General to stay and
clean out the stable.
0 o 
WHICH he is now busily engaged in doing. And it is no easy job.
0 o o
IT seems a pity.
0 o o
PERHAPS the most amusing instance of the many political
folderols of the Harrisonians was the affair of
Danny Williams.
0 o o
SWEET, petit Daniel.
0 o 0
So quiet. So unassuming. So short of stature.
0o 00
YET somewhat long of the matter that is gray.
o 0 0
M. Williams could perhaps not compete with His Excellency in the skillful steps of an intricate cotillion.
0 o 0
WHICH, of course, has nothing whatsoever to do with the
telling of this so interesting tale.
0 o o
YET should be mentioned en passant in order to substan

[54]




MY  PHILIPPINE  R REMEMBRANCES


tiate the oft-repeated allegory, "Honi soit qui
mal y pense.
0o 0
IT would appear that D. R. Williams made his first Manila
appearance as a member of the entourage of William Howard Taft.
o 0 0
WHOSE coinage of the epigram, "Our Little Brown
Brother," later elected him President of the
United States.
0 o o
WHILE a memberoftheTaft Commission, MonsieurWilliams
had been able to gather together a large number
of most peculiar facts, which as is so
often the case were unkind in
their directness.
0 0 0
MORE particularly as they applied to certain members of
the clan Nacionalista.
0 o o
BUT we now span the years in order to arrive at the
terminus of the Administration Forbes. Our
friend Daniel was quite a lion in the den.
0 o o
AND had succeeded in having himself appointed Secretary
of the Philippine Board of the Panama-Pacific Exposition. This I thought quite entre nous.
0 o o
DANNY was to make all preliminary arrangements for the
exhibit.
0 o o
WHICH was not to include members of the so adequate
Philippine Legislature, altho in some quarters it was
whispered that such an exhibition would be


[551




MY  PHILIPPINE   R E M E M B R A N C E S


most unique.
0 o 0
MISTER Williams was to be in full charge at San Francisco.
0 o 0
BUT no emolument was to accrue to his bank balance until
his arrival at the metropolis of the Golden West.
0 o 0
SHORTLY before the date of departure, there appeared in
the book stores of Manila.
0 o o
A most illuminating volume bearing the high-sounding
title, "Odyssey of the Philippine Commission."
0o 0
AND the author was none other than Daniel Roderick
Williams.
IN the eloquent language of T. Wolff, Sanitary Steam
Laundry, Telephone 529, "That book is rougher
than your collar when we send it home."
0o 0
IT seems a pity.
0 o o
HE had also investigated the Manila Railroad right-of-way
frauds, which implicated several Filipino politicians.
0 o 0
THE said politicos were touched. In fact, their feelings
were cruelly lacerated. The truth was out.
0 o 0
GOVERNOR General Harrison, in the kindness of his
Democratic heart, acting under implicit orders
from Quezon, called together a caucus of
the faithful.
[56]




MY  PHILIPPINE    R E M E M B R A N C E S


IT was decided that, in view of the oft-proclaimed Era of
Economy, the office of Secretary of the Exposition
Board must be and accordingly is
abolished.
0 0 0
TRULY a state of laissez faire. Not unmixed with je ne
sais pas.
0 o 0
HERR Williams was notified with Tagalog promptitude
that he was dismissed, discharged, as well as
canned.
0 o 0
ONE could almost imagine the chagrin with which the
Judge received his conge.
0 o 0
BUT, good lawyer and keen political student that he was,
our Daniel possessed another unsuspected quality.
He hailed from Missouri.
0 o o
AND with admirable forethought had made written and
properly signed conclusions as to the matter of
his employment.
0 o 0
THESE he flashed at the so discomfited economists, who
retired in confusion.
0 0 0
THE air was thick with the smoke of Londres as well as
Perfectos. The atmosphere was blue with the
wailings of the unwashed.
0 o 0
THROUGH it all Daniel Roderick Williams remained unemotional, unmoved, unheard.
0 o 0
FINALLY the decision was reached. With triumphant mien


[57]




MY  PHILIPPINE  REM    M B R A N C E S


accompanied by an air of total clat.
0 o 0
THEY handed Williams no less than ten thousand silver
Conant one-peso hills. And told him that his
services were extremely malapropos.
0 o 0
TRUY another and most striking example of the remarkable ability for self-government shown by the
people.
0 o o
IHE was paid for the work he was to have done, but revenge
dictated that he must not be permitted to do the
work.
0 o 0
VIVA la Independencia!
0o 0
BUT as the years rolled on, one after the other, Mons.
Harrison became a habit.
0 0* 
ALONG with rinderpest, locusts, hot seasons, typhoons and
such other tropical pleasantries, we find the
Governor General held his own.
IN the interest of political economy he became the avowed
foe of efficiency. Truly the harvest days for the
politicos.
0 o o
BUT the transplanted cotillion leader was too fast even
for the fervid patriots.
0 o o
WELL they knew in their hearts that without American
supervision self-government would rapidly become
misgovernment. But Francis forced them
on and on.


[58]




M Y    P H I L I P P I N E   R E    E M    B R A N C E S


A volume complete in itself would be needed to record the
tragic tale of Filipino incompetency.
0 o o
ITHE Senate, the Commission and the Council of State.
COMICAL, crass, humorous, funmaking creations.
O o o
"GIVE them what they want."
00   0
T1HE Manila Railroad, the Philippine National Bank.
SHADES of Fores."
SHADES of Forbes."
o o o
MY friends, what glorious reading, what interesting paragraphing, could it be possible to publish the
report of the bank examiners sent out
from Estados Unidos.
0o 0o
THE Independencia Junta!
000 
FOR which the poor tao pays.
0 o 0
TWICE to Washington and return. With expense account
unlimited.
0 o o
VIVA! Viva! Viva!
o o o
WITH Tagalog naivete the so dear Junta also paid for
several thousand copies of the G. G.'s book.
O o o
AND caused them to be distributed broadcast.
o o o
THE European war was a most fortunate happening for
[59]




MY  PHILIPPINE  REMEMBRANCES


the welfare of his entertaining Excellency.
0 0 0
THIS so attracted the attention and diverted the strength
of America that no time was available for Washington officials to give heed to Philippine
affairs.
0 o 
MUCH less to read the colored reports of the optimistic
Emancipator.
0 o
I find myself thinking of Harrison the man.
0 o 
CONGENIAL, entertaining, charming.
0 o 
IN fact, so hospitable was he that it is difficult to reconcile
his personality with his political conduct.
o o
A delightful host. His favorite color was brown.
NOT the Filipino brown, to be exact. Rather a composite
NOT the Filipino brown, to be exact. Rather a composite
of Spanish-Chinese-Tagalog.
0 0
ALMOST it might be said that brown was his complex.
0 o 
VAIN, susceptible to flattery, of which he received much.
Fond of his power. Easily piqued.
o o
HE thrilled at his name in the public prints.
0 o 0
UNDOUBTEDLY he learned much concerning himself through
his faithful readings.
0 o 0
WHICH, however, failed to have any noticeable corrective
[60]




MY  P H I L I P PINE  R E M E M B R A NCES


influence upon his official acts.
0 o0
THROUGHOUT his reign he retained a perverted idea of the
American community in Manila. His retinue, as
was natural, consisted of those only who
could see good in his stupid methods.
0 o o
OF course, it is hardly fair to compare, but I think of Taft.
A former Governor General.
0 o 0
WHO became President of the United States. Who is
even now Chief Justice of the Supreme Court.
0 o o
AND Harrison today?
0 o 0
WHERE is he?
0 o o
WHO is he?
0 o 0
WHAT is he?
0 o 0
So in its own peculiar manner works the omnipresent
Law of Averages.
0 o 
AND oblivion is the final resting place of failure.
o00 
PROBABLY the most peculiar of all the antics of the Honorable Francis Burton Harrison, Governor General of
the Philippines from 1913 to 1921, inclusive, was
the publication of his book.
0 o o
I have read it and it has given me great amusement.


[61]




M Y    P H I L I P P I N E   R E M E M B R A N C E S


ONE of the dearest bits of fiction ever written about the
Islands.
o o
"THE Corner Stone of Philippine Independence."
o o o
TRULY a misnomer. More appropriate would have been
"The Tomb Stone of Philippine Independence."
o o o
CONSTRUCTED and designed by F. B. Harrison, seven years
G.G.
000 
AND it may be truthfully said that during his reign several
of the dear politicos suffered the ecstasies of the
seven-year itch.
0 o 0
FOR which a number of them are now thinking it all over
at Bilibid.
0 0
THE introduction to the volume was written at Caithnessshire, Scotland. Good old Scotch!
o o o
PERHAPS, under the benign influence of the Scotch, one
might be expected to write almost anything.
o o o
ONE sentence stands out preeminent in my mind.-I quote
from His Excellency: "I selected as my Secretary Stephen Bonsal, the well-known
author."
00 0
MANY good people have wondered why good old Steve
ever came to Manila. Could Mr. Harrison's book
be the key to the puzzle?
0 o 0
BUT no. To one who has met and known Stephen, the


[62]




M Y    I H I L I P P I N E:  R F M E M BR A N C E S


answer is most obvious.
o    o   o
His is not the type to hide under another's signature.
o o o
AND, besides, does not the Ex-G. G. carry the title of
LL. D.?
AN honor conferred upon him by the University of the
Philippines, at his own urgent request.
0 o 0
THIS in itself is a good excuse for the book. And perhaps
the only excuse.
0 o o
IF Truth were a human, surely he would have good cause
for libel action.
0 o o
AND Fact. Distorted, twisted, maligned.
0 o o
TORN and smashed into an unrecognizable mass. Poor,
mistreated Fact!
0o 0
IF considered as political literature, Mons. Harrison's
effort is most interesting.
0 o 0
BUT if he would dignify his work as history, truth and
fact must take their proper places.
0 o 0
LET us assume, then, that he is ambitious to enter the field
of Fiction, in which event his treatise should be
placed among the best Cellars.
0 o 0
THIS would appear to be a pity.
[631




MY    P H IL I P P INE   R E M E M B R A N C E S


AND Little Lord Fauntleroy was such a help to his dear
old grandfather. Who hardly dreamed the little
fellow would go to the Orient.
MUCH less Orienting himself to the extent of becoming
MUCH less Orienting himself to the extent of becoming
color blind.
0   0
BUT then one can never tell what will happen when one
crosses the 180th meridian.
0 o o
As an author, Francis made a most warlike Commanding
General of the Philippine Militia.
0o 00
ONE day, whilst talking to a group of former Manilans, I
was asked the question, "Well, what did Harrison
actually do over in the Philippines
during his seven years?"
0o  0
RATHER difficult to answer, I thought.
000
BUT then surely he did accomplish something.
0 o o
OF course, he left the Philippines in 1921.
0 o o
WHICH was an accomplishment in itself.
0 o 0
HE pardoned Amzi Kelly. Which was kind of him.
0 o 0
HE appointed his brother Archibald Alien Enemy Property
Custodian.
0 o o
HIs brother Archibald was made Secretary of the Philippine National Bank.
[64]




MY    P H I L I P P INE  R E M E M B R A N C E S


ARCHIBAILD, his brother, he made a Director of the Philippine National Bank.
o o0
AH, the brotherly love of it!
0o 00
HE went wild-boar hunting in the southern provinces.
Which was rather tame.
0 o o
HE went to India. Which was nice.
o 0 0
HE went to Los Baiios, not once but several times.
0O 00
HE permitted Eugene Reed to resign. Admittedly
considerate.
0 o 0
HE made Tom Hartigan a Brigadier General of Militia.
0 o 0
HE chummed with Adolph Spitzel. Which was funny.
0 o 0
HE persuaded Bessie Dwyer to nominate him for
the Presidency of the United States.
Which was pitiful.
0 o o
HE requested the Municipal Board to name a Manila
Street and Public Park after him.
0 0 0
WHICH they did.
0 o 0
FOR the reason that they had run out of names of insurrecto
leaders.
0 o 0
HE made the Igorots wear pants.
[65]




M Y      H I   I PP I N      R      M  M B R A N C E S


HE started the National Coal Company. Which was a
calamity.
0 o 0
IT finished itself.
UNDER pressure from Dean C. Worcester, he caused a bill
to be passed abolishing slavery in the Philippines.
0 o 0
THE bill is still there. So is the slavery.
0 o o
HE appointed Manny Quezon president of the Manila
Railroad. Which was the least he could do.
0 o 0
HE appointed General Tinio director Bureau of Lands.
0 o 0
HE accepted Tinio's resignation.
0 o 0
He entertained lavishly at Malacanan.
Which was expensive.
0 o o
HE attended all Carnivals. Which showed the
proper spirit.
o o o
ALL in all a record of achievement which upholds the best
traditions of Democracy.
0 o 0
THE European war was responsible for the realization of a
long-cherished ambition.
0 o o
THE title Governor General was as sweet music to the
well-shaped ears of Mister Harrison.
0 o 0
BUT most of his satellites addressed him as plain Governor.
[66]




M Y    P H I L I P P I N E    R E M E M B R A N C E S


ALTHO it should be understood he was not plain. In fact,
it may be well said that Burton was extremely
fancy. In more ways than one.
0 o 0
So that Governor did not appeal to him.
0 o o
FOR were there not forty-eight persons at home each
carrying the same cognomen, in as many
different states?
0 o o
AH, then! What could be sweeter than to be addressed as
General.
0 0 0
AMERICA declared war upon Germany.
0 o 0
AGAIN Mack Cretcher's unused slogan came to the fore.
"Manila, Where Nothing Knocks But Opportunity."
M. Harrison made a grab at opportunity and knocked it
so hard that it burst wide open.
0 o 0
RIGHT here was born the Philippine Militia.
0 o 0
WASHINGTON acquiesced and His Excellency was
authorized to grant commissions.
0 o o
IT has been said that Joe Wolfson refused a commission
for the very good reason that he preferred straight
salary.
0 o 0
AND SO the G. G. cast about for a Major General to command the about-to-be formed Philippine division
of the United States Army.


[67]




M Y    P H I 1 I P P I N   E   R E M E M B R A NC E S


AFTER a most comprehensive, exhausting search,
he decided.
o o o
BUT before doing so he ordered his uniforms.
0 o o
THUS Governor General Francis Burton Harrison became
Major General.
AND it was proper and right to address him as General.
000
BRIGADIERS were not hard to find.
o o o
NOR Colonels, Majors, Captains and Tenientes.
o o
THEY flocked in hordes, in droves, to the call of the colors.
o o o
THE skeletonized framework of the division was rapidly
built.
0 0
UNIFORMS were ordered.
( o o
'THE streets of Manila were thronged with warlike
figures.
0 0
THEN began recruiting.
o o o
POSTERS, handbills, newspapers.
o o o
ALL combined to give impetus to the great patriotic heartbeat of the Filipino nation.
o o o
PUBLICITY roared from Aparri to Davao.
[68]




MY     P H I L I P P I N F      R E M E N1 B R A N C E S


THE drums were beat, the bugles were bugled. Fiery,
eloquent speeches rent the air.
AND a corporal's guard was the result.

IHE division became a regiment.
O  G,'
'r}I-E natives were content to stay at home ".llurmuriing
placidly, 'M aiana'"!
0 O <'
AGAIN came opportunity.
0, o,
1lH-E representative of a great moving-picture concern
arrived at Manila.
AND our G(eneral delivered himself of a grand and wondrous
idea.
A review for the movies!
ARRANGEMIENTS were easily made. A stupendous grand
stand( w\as built on the Luneta. The day was set.
',  ~', 
ALL reserved seats were occupied by occupants. Even
the Igorots wore "occupants."
O 00
A shout went up.
O O r
THEY come! They come!
o o 
AND, dear readers, they came.
o o0
MAJOR General Francis Burton Harrison.
[69]




M Y   P H I L I P P I N E  R E M E M B R A N C E S
HE came!
0o  0
BRIGADIERS, Colonels, Majors, Captains and Tenientes.
0 o 0
THEY came!
o o o
FOLLOWED by the straggling results of the recruiting
campaign.
0 o 0
THE cameras clicked. The review was on.
o o o
BUT alas!
0 o o
THE weather bureau, which had suffered a slash in its
annual appropriation, had bided its time.
0 0 0
REVENGE is sweet.
0 o 0
RAIN came! It came and came and came.
0 o o
WHEN the negatives were positived it was found that the
close-ups of the General were undeveloped.
0 o o
GRIEF, woe and consternation! But ambition is a mighty
force.
0 o 0
A whispered consultation with the movie man. Another
day was set.
0 o 0
THE picture was taken quietly and without audience.
0 o 0
So that Major General Francis Burton Harrison on his
prancing steed, with his stars and spurs, could go
down to posterity.
0 o o
HE went!
0o 0
AND latest accounts indicate he is still there.
[70]




















UNNEIWTY OF MIO
11   1111111111111111111
3 9015 02779 1592




-- -, I ---- - - - -..  -1                                            -       -- '., -F- —, -      I --— i     I
-M                                 1, --- -